“I Only Attract Women I’m Not Attracted To”

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I recently read your column: “The Only Women I Attract are Obese,” and I have personally come upon the realization that that’s my league, too, and it’s not one I’m attracted to. I work out, try to eat healthy food, and volunteer with a number of community groups, but I’m still short, bald, overweight, and not very funny. As a result, whether online or in person, women whom I’m at all attracted to are not interested in me. It’s not a matter of needing to come up with a better self-image, as women brush me off after, at most, three sentences, which I don’t think is not enough time to form an opinion.

My issue is that only women I’m very firmly put off by will talk with me at all. I need to find a way to change my perspective, because if I keep rejecting the only people who have any interest in me because I’m not attracted to obese figures, then I’ll have to spend the rest of my life alone. I know I’m being judgmental, especially because I’m not a catch, but while I’m trying to be reasonable and develop a more mature attitude, I can’t force myself into attraction. What can I do to learn to be attracted to a different type of person? — Type Cast

You’re right — you can’t force yourself to be attracted to a physical type that you simply aren’t attracted to (though, for the record, plenty of men do find plus-size women sexy and attractive). And I won’t insult your intelligence by suggesting that the women you’re attracted to ARE into you and you simply don’t realize it, or that you are probably a better catch than you think you are and you just need to cultivate better self-confidence. I’ll believe you that women brush you off when you start speaking to them. That tells me that, rather than being unattractive, you probably just don’t know how to talk to women.

Instead of learning to be attracted to what you aren’t attracted to (which isn’t going to happen), you would be better off developing better social skills. What are you saying to these women who brush you off immediately? HOW are you saying it? What’s your body language? And what do the women look like? I understand if there’s a physical type you aren’t attracted to, but if you are only pursuing women who look like models, you’re probably not going to get anywhere. So, focus on women who might be overlooked by other men, and focus on talking to them like humans and not like objects. Avoid commenting on their physical attributes (i.e. “You’re beautiful,” “You have a nice smile,” “I love your eyes”). Compliments about physical traits can be great, and there’s an appropriate time for them, but your initial introduction isn’t it (it can be perceived as creepy, overly aggressive, and leering).

If I were you, I’d look into taking an improv class. You say you aren’t funny, but an improv class might help you tap into some sense of humor you didn’t realize you had. More than that, though, it can teach you the very important skills of listening and speaking to people — of thinking (and practicing in a safe space) what to say to someone in response to what they’re saying to you and what to say to them to elicit a reply and promote a dialogue. I suspect these are skills you aren’t good at, and, luckily, they are skills that can be taught, practiced, and honed. And these skills will help you talk to women. Will they make all women fall for you? No, but they will improve the odds of women giving you more than 20 seconds to make an impression before they brush you off. And, who knows — you might just meet some single women in class who find short, bald, overweight, not-very-funny men irresistible…or, at the very least, likable enough to meet for coffee.

I lived with my first love a very short time thirty-four years ago and he cheated on me. Three years ago he looked me up. We were friends for a year and then FWB for two. He always shows that he cares about me, but he wouldn’t commit to being girlfriend and boyfriend. Well, I got a facelift that made me look about twenty-five years younger and he started telling me he loved me. Sex got way better, and out of nowhere he asked me to marry him. Help? — Suddenly Loved

Twenty-five years younger? Damn, I’d marry the plastic surgeon instead! Or, you could simply take advantage of your new look and play the field a bit. Your FWB has had many, many years to love you and commit to you. That he’s only coming around now, three years after reconnecting with you, and suddenly asking to marry you out of the blue, suggests that the love isn’t all that deep. He’s probably attracted to your new confidence. I bet a lot of men would be — maybe even one who didn’t cheat on you once before and then keep you at arm’s length for years.

LW1 – I would say that you should focus on working out more and eating right. When you take better care of your appearance, it will help. It is unfair to ask women to overlook the physical when you can’t do the same. So I would say to join running groups or crossfit. Start meeting athletic people and you can lose weight and be around people that work for you. It will also help to build friendships and social groups rather than have cold opens in a bar.

She’s not saying everyone. She’s saying this guy. This guy who prioritizes appearance and rejects over weight women. This guy should be prepared to offer what he expects of women. This guy isn’t about accepting authentic selves. He’s about appearance.

I understand that there is a bunch people can’t change about themselves – height, hair, or even weight set point. But, if you started going to crossfit 4 days a week, joined a rock climbing gym, or joined a marathon training group, I am guessing that the side effect will be muscle growth and fat loss. That is the reason most people do these things.

What I’m saying MARK (since we’re doing the all caps thing, I guess…) is that some people are born fat, others get fatter as they get older, and maybe we should stop making people feel like shit about it.

If people are HAPPY being fat then — GREAT! Sadly, this LW, like damn near everybody else I overhear lately, ISN’T. Worse, he is so NOT into obese ladies. And thus hilariously and delusionally opposed to (gasp!) dating one. NEWSFLASH: unless he is uber RICH, he clearly damn well isn’t going to get any of the model types he clearly THINKS he deserves…

Couldn’t say; haven’t had one in a while, and not that it’s any of your business, but I’m a healthy weight. I just think it’s really fucking shitty of you to piss all over those who aren’t because it’s what you do here.

Honest question, edgelord-Mark–why do you come here? You hate the letter writers, you hate the women who comment, you seem to hate everything and everyone who isn’t you. What do you get out of this other than some holier-than-though mental masturbation?

I don’t agree. Context is everything. You would never walk up to someone who’s minding their own business and say “you should lose weight”. But someone who writes in to an advice column and says “I want to be more attractive”? Then yeah, show them the respect of giving them an true and actionable answer.

Same goes for hair. If someone clearly put a lot of work into coloring and styling their mohawk, then I’d keep quiet even if I hated it. That mohawk means something for that person. But if someone had a generic haircut that wasn’t particularly meaningful to them, and they said to me “I don’t really like it, how can I make it look better?” I wouldn’t answer such a sincere question with “you should learn to accept and love your hair just the way it is.”

I also disagree that your natural state of being is your “authentic self”. For example, I naturally leave my dishes around the house, but I don’t want to live in a house piled high with dirty dishes. The LW clearly does not enjoy being overweight. Your authentic self is partially your goals and dreams for yourself too.

1) I enjoy posting comments. Really. It is that fucking simple. Also…
2) I do think many people see things the same way as most everybody else and its fun to be a contrarian.
3) I DO find many of the LWs to be a bit clueless and it is amusing to point that out.
4) I also used to enjoy playfully arguing with people. But THAT has fallen out of favor here. Now, instead of debating ones points, posters like you instantly jump to petty, personal attacks… so it’s certainly less fun than it used to be. Back when people could vehemantlyvdisagree with one another in a civil, yet witty way. WITHOUT, say, calling somebody a prick several posts in.

After you implied that I am commenting because I’m fat? Fuck you, if that’s your logic. Just fuck the fuck out of you. And you know what? I don’t even care if that earns me a ban. No one should have to sign up for your brand of “playful” abuse because they have a conflicting opinion.

For LW 1, I agree that if you have a huge problem with overweight people, and you’re overweight yourself, you should work on that. Or offer something to counteract it. Intelligence. Humor. Money. Something. Or maybe you should give that overweight person a chance.

If I were to look at my fiance in passing, I would not be attracted to him. He’s not my “type.” Family and friends were a bit surprised because I hadn’t dated someone like him before. But here we are and I’m ridiculously attracted to him and in love with him.

1. I’m fat, and I know I’m fat. Was I born fat? Don’t know if that’s a thing but I don’t think I was, I just ate too much and my parents never stopped me.
2. If I’m fat, and I don’t want to date a so called overweight person, I should do something about it, and writing into an advice column asking what to do about, and in turn getting advice on how to help physically attract someone I might be more attracted to since, I apparently don’t want to get to know somebody for who they are is perfectly acceptable.
3. I’ve dated bigger women, and smaller women, smaller women were more attracted to me the better shape I was in, it’s just a fact. Until I was in decent shape, I was just their funny friend.
4. Marc is who he is, and he’s always been that way, starting this whole attack on Marc again, when he’s been through it a million times is kind of pointless. He contributes a lot here, and has some really good points, he just gets straight to it, and has gotten a lot better with how he delivers it haha.
5. I also agree that we have normalized being fat, I don’t need somebody to pussy foot around me because I’m choosing to eat too much. Don’t come up to me and call me fat, but if I get fat enough where it affects everyone else, then yeah get mad because your healthcare may be going up, or your extremely uncomfortable on a plane, because I’m spilling over. There’s a reason I don’t sit on the subway on my way into work, and it’s because I don’t need to make people uncomfortable because I’m comfortable being bigger. I realize this.

I confused as to where BGM got the idea that having misogyny run rampant throughout his opinions (in general, apparently he can ease his contempt for women enough to be bitter to fat people), is a different perspective nobody’s ever heard before. It’s one thing to have a different opinion, it’s quite another to find contempt for women interesting and/or exciting.

How me saying a whiny fat guy who refuses to date fat women should perhaps lose the weight himself is misogynistic I don’t exactly know…
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but I do fully appreciate the black humor of being called a misogynist by somebody who gleefully sports the victim blaming all the rape accusers of Bill Cosby are liars avatar of Miss Rashad. 😉

I understand that he is trying but sometimes a ramp up in intensity can really help. I know that everyone is different, but I will say this, I have a fitbit and all the skinny people I am connected to ALWAYS are at the top of the step count week in and week out. If you want to be fit, it is consistent effort, not some weeks I do well and some I don’t.

I mean…we don’t really know what work out and eat healthy means to this guy. He might have a fitbit and he might count all of his steps too week in and week out, too. But if he’s middle-aged and not naturally thin, this might be the best he can do. If he says he’s maintaining a healthy lifestyle, I’ll believe him.

Besides, it doesn’t sound like he’s was asking for advice on how to make himself hotter to women, he was asking for how to mentally open himself up to a wider range of women. That requires different advice than just go work out more (which he maybe already does).

I generally do agree with what is being said here, but some people truly cannot help being overweight. For example, my sister has PCOS, which throws your hormones — including insulin — out of whack and makes it very difficult to lose weight despite being active and diligently tracking what you put in your mouth. Not everyone who is overweight is a sloth who can’t stop eating donuts, and it makes me truly sad that people likely peg heavier people like my sister — or anyone, really — as someone who does nothing but eat all day.

You may be right, ele4phant.
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Perhaps I am viewing this through a rather skewed lens because I actually KNOW men like this.
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And they never ever truly adjusted their expectactions.
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So some are very much alone. Still looking for that stray super deep super model who hates funny guys.?Some made major bank and thus now have their trophies. And one did a rather shocking physical transformation that blew me (and everyone else) away and paid off in spades.
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I do think much more women have the superpower of becoming attracted to who they love — whereas most men simply fall in love with who they are attracted to…

Csp i don’t disagree except I’d add plenty of people love those activities who have never been overweight, they simply love the exhilaration. And for marathons, the goal completion. So win win! Or if he’s more like me, yoga, belly dance and Zumba.

You are right, everyone can find their thing. However, I have found that there are real communities around certain activities. Like Running groups you get the chance to chat with people for miles. I am sure certain yoga and zumba classes are like that but the ones I have been to (mostly in big gyms), people work out and go home. Maybe if he went to a specific yoga studio, he would have luck like that.

I really like Wendy’s advice for LW1 — very compassionate and some great ideas to develop interpersonal skills. This is actually very challenging to cultivate, regardless of whether you’re an introvert or extrovert. I also heavily agree with not fighting your natural attractions — doing so is not only counter-intuitive, but you wouldn’t be living your most authentic version of yourself.

I just can’t muster sympathy for the whole plea of the women I like aren’t attracted to me but all these obese women I “firmly” aren’t attracted to want my short, fat balding non-funny ass. Maybe I’d feel more sympathy if the women he was attracted to were short, chubby, with thin hair and no sense of humor. I’m guessing not so much. I don’t know that I agree his problem is talking to women. I think he is batting out of his league and the women know it. This is the George Kastanza effect. It created false expectations for a whole set of men. Why are looks so important to you when you don’t want to be judged on yours? How about you figure out what is important to you? What you need instead of want? Kindness? Empathy? Humour? A homebody? A nomad to travel with? Pick a character trait. Something that will effect your day to day. Something that is attractive to you in someone else. Anyone else – male or female. Something you admire. Expand your definition of attraction. Spend time with those women who embody those attractive TRAITS and see if you can’t see a future with someone like that.
But if you want to chase the Super model then you have to up your game. Ever see a hot girl with an average looking guy? It’s because he brings something else to the table. He’s wicked smart. Or sweet. Or supportive. Or funny. Or successful. Something else he brings that outshines his looks and makes him better looking to her than he is to everyone else. What’s exceptional about you? If nothing, see option a above.

Lw2 leave him. Find a man interested in all you have to offer. Not just a new face. Your ex will get used to that new face in time and will be back to his old ways.

I’m not attracted to obese guys either and I have a lower sex drive, maybe he has the same problem. I gained some weight after having kids and don’t find my body very attractive but my husband seems very ok with it, he also has a higher sex drive than me. I feel like LW1 has a realistic and humble mindset, because he didn’t ask for the magic words to attract hot women, he sounded open to trying to change his perspective on the women who have expressed interest in him.

I’m considered a fairly attractive woman and am in great shape and I love chubby guys. I’ve dated tall, short, bald, not, skinny, fat. Doesn’t matter. I prefer the personality. So what does that say to you LW? It’s not your looks.

Or, you’re a (per Dan Savage) unicorn and thus a rare comidity. Frankly, very few… hell, NONE of the myriads of the hot girls I’ve know in my decades as an adult have shared your tastes… And that doesn’t make them shallow. It makes them human…
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This guy’s personality could be amazing. But it’d still be high time to adjust his sights a tad lower.

I know women who fit this description. Looks don’t matter that much but charm, being a good person with nice manners and (to be blunt) having money and high work ethic do matter. Not a bad mindset for long term happiness maybe?

I say everyone has something to offer. The beautiful ones, for me, actually tend to let down in the sack! Go figure! Perhaps that is why I search elsewhere. I don’t care how much you make or how pretty you are can’t make up for that!

LW1 – I like Wendy’s advice for sure. Developing your social skills will help you immensely. Also, it’s far more likely you’ll meet someone in person who will be able to appreciate you. Online dating is a meat market unto itself.

Personally, I’ve fallen for several guys I’ve met in person who are nothing at all like my physical “type” and who I wouldn’t be attracted to on a dating site. Two in particular I’m thinking of now: both are short (which, so am I so I don’t care about that, but it’s relevant), stocky, and one is completely bald. However, both of them are brilliant, full of depth, one is absolutely hilarious and the other is possibly the most empathetic and mature person I’ve ever met. I met both of these guys in person (at work, actually, over the years) and got to know them over time. I would have for sure swiped left on at least one of them on a dating site, if not both, based on appearance alone. When I got a chance to know them in person, we developed rapport and bantered together and the feeling of mutual admiration/respect/what have you was a natural result of that. I’d be lucky to be with either of them, frankly.

TL; DR: Work on your social skills and meet women in person. Also, you can’t force yourself to be attracted to someone, but when you get to know people more organically, often attraction develops with time. I know it has for me several times in the past.

There is SO much room between a model type and an obese woman (and I’m not saying obese women are not attractive, just not to him) What about average looking thinner women??? I find it hard to believe that the only women who would find LW1 attractive are OBESE. Look around a little more LW1 and take Wendy’s advice, ESPECIALLY about not commenting on looks right away. I’m sure I’m not the only woman who HATES that.

Good catch–the LW seems to be thinking in extremes: thin & attractive vs obese. What about women who are slightly overweight but not obese? Or women are thin but otherwise not conventionally attractive? I know plenty of women whose bodies aren’t perfect by typical standards but aren’t obese and have very pretty faces.

LW1 what I got from you was an utter lack of self-confidence. You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. You have to be a full person with something to offer who knows themselves and knows what they can bring to a relationship.

So I would start there. What’s great about you that you can bring to someone else’s life? Are you smart? Are you kind? Are you up for adventure? What do your friends like about you?

Knowing who you are, and projecting it to the world, will make it easier to find someone who complements you and being contented with who you are will make you attract more people.

I’d also say, physical attraction is important (especially at first) but even Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got tired of boning one another, you know? Look for someone you connect with on multiple levels that will persist once that initial attraction fades. As it happens, people often find themselves more attracted to people they are dating once they get to know them better.

You may find a woman who at first you think is a great person but not your type, but if she ticks a lot of your boxes, physical attraction may follow. Give a woman who seems great if not your type a couple of dates before deciding to move on.

As a fattie myself I didn’t find BGM’s comments to be outrageous, although admittedly I didn’t like the phrase about “normalizing obesity”. Nonetheless we’ve all seen people who shoot “out of their league”. The guy in stained unwashed clothes who makes disparaging remarks about women who don’t wear make up being unfeminine or women in makeup who are trying too hard. The fat woman who eats a bag of chips while complaining about men only wanting “Skinny Bitches”. These are people who are either unaware of their own faults or are just keeping the wall where they need it to be and blaming others for their own faults.

So is the LW unrealistic as hell? Possibly. Most regular women can manage small talk for three minutes, but if your approach is decidedly misogynistic, self pitying, has a whiff of PUA crap (negging for example), is too obscure or self aggrandizing then most women are going to walk away.

So if you are getting rejected after 3 minutes of conversation – it’s your conversation that’s lacking. Women, like men, will talk with a downright stupid man if he’s eye candy and just harmlessly stupid (Ghostbusters reboot anyone?) but if you’re a dick, then most women are going to excuse themselves from the conversation, doesn’t matter if you look like Tom Hardy or Tiny Tim. People in general don’t like to talk to other people who can’t hold a conversation or give off the desperate vibe.

Fat men get some gorgeous women. They have charm, confidence and yes, many have power, influence, and money. But it’s not entirely those last three.

I’m conventionally attractive and married but when I was single, I dated men who were not. The key thing for me is: is this man fun and interesting? I’m not bothered by a few physical flaws if a man is a fun person. And by fun, I don’t even mean funny–I mean, he’s relaxed, he laughs a lot, he’s interesting to talk to.

That being said, there’s a difference between a man who’s not conventionally attractive and a man who looks like a slob. I can deal with the former but not the latter. If you’re going on a date with me, put on a nice outfit. Fix your hair, wear shoes that aren’t hideous or falling a part, make sure your clothes fit properly. In fact, a lot of women LOVE a man who’s a snappy dresser (myself included). If a man dresses like James Bond but is a little overweight and not especially handsome, he will still turn my head when he walks by.

LW1 Online is probably not going to work for you so focus on meeting people the old fashioned way. The volunteer work is probably a good place to meet people if other people in your age range also volunteer. Make a habit of greeting new people, whether they are attractive to you or not, whether male or female. Greet all new people the same way, a warm hello and glad you could join us. Don’t try to push anything further during the first hello. If they ask a question answer it. If you greet everyone the same way you won’t feel as awkward around someone that you do find attractive and you also get to know those you don’t immediately find attractive. Interacting with people who aren’t your physical type sometimes changes your level of attraction and you begin to find them to be much more attractive. If a conversation develops let it flow naturally but don’t try to force a conversation.

Check out some books about body language and see what your body language might be saying that turns women away. Also, understanding body language will help you to see when a woman is finding you interesting and that will help you see where to focus. You can buy body language books or find them at your local library for free.

Check out meetup groups in your area. You can find them at meetup.com. Finding people who enjoy some of the same activities or interests as yourself can place you among women who might find you interesting.

I don’t think that you can change the type that you find physically attractive but spending time around people can sometimes change your level of attraction for a specific person. That means quit trying to find a date online and spend more time interacting with people in real life. Start out just getting to know a range of people and see if there are a few that you find interesting.

LW2. Wow. 25 years?! That was SOME facelift?! I say, go slow. See where it takes you… although, men CAN be simple. Now that you are SO hot he could suddenly be THAT much more into you… is this shallow? Sure. But living in LA — if there’s one thing I’ve learned is that shallow people tend to often be the most happy. Go figure.

I think going offline to meet people is the way to go for this guy. I think that online dating, while its always been a mixed bag, has gotten worse in that people spend less time looking at your profile and more time looking at your photos and judging whether to talk to you from there. If you have the most sparkling personality and a heart of gold, you may get overlooked because of the overweight/short/balding aspect of your looks. Hate to say it, but people are shallow. I’d suggest in person events or meetups that involve activities where you can easily meet people in a laid back environment. Hiking, wine tasting, professional development, etc. It could help develop any lagging social skills + make new friends (who may have single female friends) + possibly meet women to date.

LW1: Do you look much at people’s qualities outside of looks? Because you only mentioned looks and weight. How much time do you put into getting to know someone before making a decision? If you see them, think “not attractive, and then move on, then you’re not giving yourself a chance to learn what other attractive qualities a person might have other than looks. Certainly some people are less shallow, but whenever you see someone who isn’t conventionally attractive with a partner, that’s a person who is able to look at other humans and see them as more than just a checklist of physical traits. Getting to know someone and thinking they are funny or endearing or smart will likely change how you see them attractiveness-wise. Or not. Maybe you are just doomed.

LW, it is ok if you don’t find someone like yourself attractive. And if the people you find attractive does not want you. Not everyone is meant to have a partner.
It is difficult to bag an attractive woman when you are old and obese unless you are rich like Trump.

LW1. We can go back and forth here all year on your situation, but this really calls for some real life assessment. Do you have any close friends who would have the balls to tell you what’s really going on? Are you going for women out of your league? Are you being weird or creepy in those first few seconds? Do you dress like the unibomber? I mean I think we all know that guy who doesn’t get why he’s single, but everyone around him KNOWS why and he just hasn’t bothered to ask or won’t listen. I’m thinking of my cousin…who lives at home with his parents working a minimum wage job his dad got him at his company who doesn’t pay for anything…with a sour and arrogant personality on top of that…and then wonders why he’s single. Make sure you aren’t being that blind.

Also read the BGM thread with great pleasure and popcorn, and gotta agree he contributes a lot to the forums, and he’s enjoyable. Also, I mean can we be more creative with our discussion. I mean I think we got fat talk bingo here, with the insistent person that obesepeople shouldn’t be judged, to the calories in to calories out person, to the one who chimed in that they know someone with PCOS, I mean this thread has played out all over the Internet a 100 times before. We are better than this!