Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Hard and Soft: Let Them Eat Ice Cream

It's all too easy to be critical of the American media, especially when it comes to covering cycling. However, you do have to credit them for their consistency. Sure, when cyclists get hit by drivers the newspapers tend to blame the victim, but at least they do it to all the victims--regardless of whether it's just some unfortunate schmuck, or it's celebrated actor Gene Hackman:

Hackman was riding without a helmet on an Islamorada street around 3 p.m. when the pickup hit him, throwing him onto the grassy shoulder, according to a Florida Highway Patrol report. No charges were immediately reported.

Yes, pretty much every news outlet made sure to point out that Hackman was riding without a helment, because this is America, and what could possibly be crazier than a former marine thinking he could enjoy a bicycle ride in a dense urban area like the Florida Keys without first donning safety gear? Yet while they all seem compelled to mention the helment, not one of them so much as bothered to point out whether or not Hackman was wearing a sun hat--as a fair-skinned octogenarian, the actor is at high risk for skin cancer, and going out without adequate protection from the harsh Florida sun would technically be far more foolhardy behavior.

I'm sure we all agree on one thing though, which is that it's a good thing the driver of the pickup was not charged. Again, this is America, so the helmentless Hackman almost certainly committed the hideous crime of somehow being completely and totally invisible because he was riding a bicycle. As we all know, human beings automatically vanish into thin air when they sit on a bike, so it's safe to assume that the driver "didn't see him," or that Hackman "came out of nowhere," or else he fell under any of the other innumerable excuses by which it's perfectly fine to hit someone on a bike with your car in this strange and vexing country of ours.

In any case, if Hackman had made a habit of wearing giant floppy red sun hat, maybe the driver would have seen him and the unfortunate incident might have been averted.

This was certainly at best a hollow victory for Specialized, though Mike Sinyard did his best to remain upbeat and gave the following quote through his clenched teeth:

“This lawsuit was a matter of principle and about protecting our culture of trust and innovation. We respect the ruling of the court in our favor. We are very satisfied with the outcome and the damages set at $1.00. We really want to put all our passion and time into growing the sport of cycling.”

According to earlier court filings, Specialized had spent $1.5 million in legal fees up to the start of the trial last week.

Sure, $1.5 million in legal fees to sue a couple of upstart Fred bike "curators" for a singe dollar may not seem like good business, but Specialized will recoup it next year when they once again unveil their radical new frame decal placements and pad the prices accordingly.

(The precision-engineered placement of the "S-Works" decal is the product of thousands of hours of graphic design and results in a 120% increase in other people knowing what kind of bike you're riding over last year's model.)

In fact, between the branding and the celebrity product placement, Specialized are sure to more than earn back their legal fees and reduce the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company to "boutique" status in short order in the process:

Incidentally, Duhamel was not wearing a sun hat when the wheelchair van hit him, and no known charges have been filed against the driver.

Meanwhile, a reader recently sent me what very well may be the most offensive video I have ever seen. It's called "The Holstee Manifesto," it uses "bi-keen" to stunning effect, and I must be the last person in the world to know about it because it has been viewed over 400,000 times:

Thousands of years from now, when the space lizard archaeologists excavate the remains of our once-great society and ask, "What happened to the humans?," I only hope they're able to watch this video because it should answer all their questions. In particular, it will explain how a disease called "entitlement" swept through humanity with a virulence that made the bubonic plague seem like the sniffles. First, after going into debt for hundreds of thousands of dollars in order to go to college, the very few people who were fortunate enough to get jobs afterwards decided they didn't like them and quit:

I may be mistaken, but that looks like the Occupy Wall Street protest. If so, we have to assume that the filmmakers actually sent someone to a demonstration about joblessness and told him to hold up a sign telling people to quit their jobs. This is the 21st century equivalent of going to a civil rights march with a sign that says, "If you don't like sitting in the back of the bus then take a plane and fly first class."

Also, here's the funny thing about jobs: you're not supposed to like them. That's why they call it "work" and not "masturbating." If you don't like your job, the last thing you should do is quit. Look for a better one in your spare time? Sure. Work to improve the one you have? Absolutely. Start a company like the Volagi guys and get sued by your former employer? Why not? But quit your job with no prospects just because you don't "like" it? That's the "If it rains take the bus" of career advice. If you don't like your job you're much better off doing it anyway until you become really awesome at it. Granted, this is old-fashioned thinking since we've mostly outsourced the concept of "paying your dues," but at least you wind up with some options that don't involve going back to school for that fourth MFA.

Next, after all the humans quit the jobs they were lucky to have because they didn't like them, they rationalized their choice by adopting the philosophy of "minimalism:"

Theoretically, this would reduce their overhead and give them more leisure and yoga time. Unfortunately though, all the beautifully-designed clutter-reducing products they coveted were sold by big companies, and despite what the humans had been led to believe by marketing the big companies were not in fact benevolent. Their computers were sold by Apple and their fixies were sold by Specialized, and paradoxically all these "minimalist" products were actually pretty expensive since the big companies needed lots of money for marketing and lawsuits. And even though the humans now owned products that were simple, they were still too lazy to actually use them properly, and in many cases couldn't even muster the energy to place their feet in their toeclips:

Soon, crippled by unemployment and the high cost of minimalism, their basic survival skills began to whither as well. No longer able to afford cellphone plans for their iPhones, they were forced to revert to paper maps. However, they no longer knew how to read the maps, and so they rationalized away that ability as well:

So the once-great cities of the world became dystopias. Just as Rome had once been plundered by barbarians, New York was overrun by lost flannel-clad meh-rauders in an aimless search for a "self" that didn't exist:

(Every one of these people suffers from the delusion that he or she is awesome at something and will find out what it is by doing absolutely nothing.)

They struck blows not with clubs but instead with total self-interest, and they were impervious to any sort of criticism since they were still covered by their parents' health insurance and had plenty of ready access to all sorts of prescription drugs:

And thus was born the modern-day monster, a fickle being who had never experienced the slightest bit of displeasure or discomfort, and whose greatest satisfaction in life was the intoxicating sensation that comes from peer acceptance and the belief that the city and the world was custom-made for you:

("Is there anything more ah-some than being special and having friends?")

In fact, they became so delusional that they adopted an all-ice cream diet:

Then they shared the ice cream and gave each other herpes:

And when they ate their Ice Cream of Conformity:

They appreciated every last bite:

And so their over-educated brains finally succumbed to both herpes and culture-wide brainfreeze.

Thus, the "entitlement" disease reached its final stages, and these herpetic entitlement zombies were reduced to roaming around and speaking to people incoherently:

By the way, next time you're on the subway, go ahead and ask the person next to you, "Excuse me, what's your passion?" Then watch in terror as he smiles lasciviously, unzips his pants, and produces his "pants yabbies" for your delectation.

And here's the final message of the film:

Sure, that all sounds nice, but the truth is that not all dreams should be lived, and not all passions should be shared. Sometimes it's better to just do your job and shut the fuck up.

Anyway, after watching all this I wanted to know what Holstee actually does, and it turns out they sell stuff like $99 headphones:

These are great for listening to the neutered faux-transcendent 21st century background music that now passes for rock, and presumably you can use them while you ride your fixie-out-of-a-box to your next sick waterfront ice cream-licking "sesh" with your limp, overeducated friends.

As well as a frame to put it in, demonstrated here by a douchebag in a visor:

The world according to marketing is an odd one indeed. Apparently, when it comes to real life we're supposed to just quit our jobs and follow our dreams, yet when it comes to our recreation we're supposed to install power meters on our bikes, upload our "workouts" to Strava, undertake brutal "epics," and generally suffer and be miserable.

It seems like the snob woke up on the wrong side of the saddle today. I was also surprised that he didn't comment on the 'meh' story that headphone wearers are prone to getting hit by cars while walking obliviously into traffic.

Snobby - careful you are esposing conservative thoughts. That will get you kicked out of New York faster than an act of kindness. If the NYT has taught us anything, it is that all people who don't think like they do are evil.

BSNYC, You should take every Monday off if Tuesdays are going to be so awesome. Your insight on work and hatred of it is brilliant. Plus if that ice cream WAS his last bite he will have intense brain freeze because there was like a 1/4 pound left.

"The truth is that not all dreams should be lived, and not all passions should be shared. Sometimes it's better to just do your job and shut the fuck up."

Hear Hear Snobby. It was wonderfully liberating to read this. I am sick of feeling guilty for having a job that happens not to involve pouring my personal whims and desires over everybody else all day. It just involves deploying some skills that are of commercial value to someone, and getting paid. I don't see what's wrong with this. If you are any good at self-expression you should be able to fit it in to the weekend.

Snob... you are such a douchebag! just like the Hol-shit people. You have a job at which you can masturbate and work (assuming your kid's not around and you're good at typing with one hand). And you are telling us not to quit our jobs. I can barely read your posts w/o boss harassing me.

MY DREAM is to be a middle-management clock-punching chair moistener cranking out the 9-to-5s for decade after decade until I can retire into full-time alcoholism and dangle precipitously above the poverty line until I expire anonymously, and I AM LIVING MY DREAM!

Your blogging efforts inspire me to be more cynical, more jaded and more attuned to the real behind the nominal.

Sullen? Angry? Not me, not after reading your blog today.

Not only can I and do I resent the 1% for their wealth and comfy airline seats but now, after reading and digesting your blog post, I am able to focus my inherent bitterness on their nephews' and nieces' youthful, flannel wearing verve.

Great post. I think SNL has been following your blog. They did a sketch about entitlement; it was pretty funny. I think it's here but I can't actually see it since I'm in Canada and those f*ckers always block everything. http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/you-can-do-anything/1379100

I'm probably just grouchy because I wiped out on the bike last week and busted a rib. Just sitting around, pressing F5 on this blog, and "working". Goddam.

I am digging on this Heart of Darkness paralle. Kurtz had heads on sticks and the entitled instead have that annoying attitude.

Let's see here(bikesnobnyc)"lost flannel-clad meh-rauders in an aimless search for a "self" that didn't exist"

versus

(joseph conrad)"But the [urban environment] had found him/her out early, and had taken on him/her a terrible vengeance for the fantastic invasion. I think it had whispered to him things about himself/herself which he did not know, things of which he had no conception till he/she took counsel with this great solitude – and the whisper had proved irresistibly fascinating. It echoed loudly within him/her because he/she was hollow at the core […]."

beautifully done, but I disagree with you, bsny, on a minor point; people should like their work. Ideally. Think about it. If someone hates their job, than there is probably something wrong with it. In fact, the job is probably something unnecessary and inhuman, like working at a drive-thru(sic) window.

@Shawn said...Brilliant: Also, here's the funny thing about jobs: you're not supposed to like them. That's why they call it "work" and not "masturbating." Can I get a t-shirt or mug with that on it?

@Anonymous said..."...the truth is that not all dreams should be lived, and not all passions should be shared. Sometimes it's better to just do your job and shut the fuck up." Perfect. Put your Snob Manifesto (tm) on a t-shirt and I'd buy one! A coffee mug would be a good idea as well.

Don't you guys have any hipster friends who could curate a range for you? Why should Snob have to do all the work, especially now he's coming over all zen in the midst of the bolshiness: " an aimless search for a "self" that didn't exist".

1. When the article on Mr Hackman says:-"No charges were immediately reported."I think the meaning is that they very considerately didn't charge Mr Hackman. Obstructing the progress of a motor vehicle with organic matter is a felony in most of Florida isn't it?

2. You dont like the stupid video not just because it is stupid, but also because it calls you out!

"If you dont like something... change it" overlaid on a "lady" standing next to a recumbent!!!

So stop simply moaning about recumbents and get out there and destroy them is their clear message clearly aimed bang between your eyes.... You will notice that the "cool" people in the rest of the video all ride proper upright bicycle cycles...

"We are very satisfied with the outcome and the damages set at $1.00. We really want to put all our passion and time into growing the sport of cycling.” Huh? They'e gonna use that dollar to pay some kid to ride one of their butt-ugly bikes around the parking lot once, and that will "grow cycling"!

I love my job! I teach college English! I get paid to tell people what to say and how to say it! This is what happens if you refuse to do jobs you hate! You get a job you like! I don't let my students use this many exclamation points! BTW, there are people who get paid for masturbating or engaging in activities that are not masturbation per se, but lead to a similar outcome! They're called porn stars! These pretzels are making me thirsty!

"Sometimes it's better to just do your job and shut the fuck up," Bike Snob said, ironically, overlooking the fact that he, like so many of us, has based his lucrative career as a successful self-confessed anti-minimalist dorky bike blogger on doing almost anything other than shutting the fuck up.

The altered reality of the legal system when it comes to bicyclists and cars colliding is beyond laughable. It is like people driving cars can claim diplomatic immunity and cyclists are po' white trash. I'm from the land where mowing down a cyclist with your car while texting gets you a $47 fine, and the cyclist ends up in a coffin. I was on that road on Saturday and he was on my mind. Keep up the rants my friend.

Actually, it was the dude with the PR flags on his bike that sent me over the edge. "Celebrate our differences" indeed. Different from what? What's the standard? Thanks, Holstee, for making me (a latin dude who hopes to be half as cool as that guy when I'm older) feel like an outsider.

Also, I'd like to point out that the "celebrate our differences" dude's set-up has Schwinn Club written all over it. In which case a) this dude probably has stereo speakers mounted onto his bike, bringing the party with him wherever he rolls b) he would never buy $99 wooden earbuds because he probably spends his weekends cycling & dancing with friends instead of alone, listening to weenie rock on his iPad.

Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life… But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?

...now that seasoned author bsnyc/rtms/wcrm's new book is gonna come out & he & his publisher are deciding what cities should be included for his BRA, does that mean the tour he took after the first book came out was his training BRA...

This comment is unavailable today in protest of proposed internet censorship shenanigans threatening to stifle snarktastic cycling blogs the world wide over. Bloggers of Cycling Related Snark are the backbone of the internet, entertaining and endarkening tens of people. Yet under the proposed laws, Bloggers of Cycling Related Snark would be prohibited from linking to various content, irrespective of the fact that said content may be in desperate need of a stinging-wit-smack-down. Heinous content of the pretentious commerciasophical video manifesto kind could even end up being protected. And, you can forget about seeing any more of the comedic pop culture linxclamations we treasure so dearly.

Holstee hipsters are like contractors with magnetic signs on their trucks; they're easy, have visual impact, can be purchased everywhere and come off when inconvenient to bear the stigmata of a nail-banger. Non-committal.

Martin Luther Wrote his protest by hand and posted it with a nail (also by nail) on the door of his target audience's place.

This is the first time and a long while this blog has made me not want to step on my computer screen over it's highway snobbery (and then read on of course). Instead I just laughed so hard for a long while and reread the entry. Am I getting old? Or a becoming a snob myself? Ekk!

BSNYC = solid! a bit like this girl i know - Rebecca - who had been stung by a bee, an errant frisbee had spoiled her potato salad and when the rain started, everyone knew it was curtains for the annual May Day self realisation picnic. So dumping her bike of hippie-sterdom Rebecca turned down the radio and yelled “Hey, who's up for more ice-cream?! - fuckin love it. Knog!

" Sometimes it's better to just do your job and shut the fuck up." Kind words, from the guy who writes a blog about something he loves, and writes a book too. Seems like you are living the dream bub, and then telling everybody else to get a real job digging ditches? Ahh, but you are the bike snob, you get to rub it in to the have-nots. Namaste.

Took me time to read all the comments, but I really love the article. It proved to be very helpful to me and I am sure to all the commenters here! It’s always nice when you can not only be informed, but also engaged! I’m sure you had joy writing this article.soft toys

Enter Steve Sinofsky windows 7 ultimate upgrade key. He experienced run the Microsoft Business office crew, which had stuck with calendar year names. He decided to return to very simple office for mac 2011 product key edition numbering, and since he was producing the variation of Home windows after edition 6 (Vista), he known as it Home windows 7. Just will not check out the version range, due to the fact it really is actually model six.1.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!