FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.

NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

My Ex-Girlfriend Must Be Getting Pretty Desperate To Keep Answering All Of My Calls

Throughout our relationship, my ex-girlfriend Therese was an emotionally mature person with a good head on her shoulders. So, I have to say, it’s pretty sad to watch her desperately seek my attention by answering my incessant phone calls like this.

In fact, not a day goes by that Therese doesn’t answer the phone when I call her. It doesn’t matter if I’m calling in the early evening while eating dinner alone, or in the middle of the night as I get paranoid that she might be with somebody else—she picks up every time! I mean, she must keep her phone on her at all times in case I call or something. It’s kind of pitiful, really.

And it’s not like our conversations ever go anywhere. Most of the time it’s just me crying while desperate ol’ Therese listens attentively and tries to offer support as though we were still together or something. Sometimes I just want to tell her how pathetic she seems, but I’m not sure she could handle it emotionally.

For instance, I called Therese at like 10 p.m. on a Friday night recently. She picks up (of course, because she’s super attached) and tells me that she can’t talk because she’s out with friends, but then get this: I call her right back and she picks up again. It’s like, come on Therese, have some self-respect. Isn’t she embarrassed to be groveling for my affection in front of her friends?

She must not be, because she’ll even step out from whatever social event she’s attending and stay on the line all night. All I do is sob and beg her not to hang up, or make vague allusions to how I’m “not in a safe place right now,” and she’ll stay on the phone with me for hours. I’m not kidding: hours. Talk about dependency issues.

And it’s not just all the phone calls. She keeps responding to my texts and e-mails as though she thinks something might actually work out with us. Recently I texted her to say “I guess you never loved me after all.” And she texted me back within like five minutes. I mean, can you breathe with all this desperation in the air?

A little dependency is understandable right after a breakup, but bear in mind: We broke up five months ago. Five months. I have been calling her pretty much nonstop since then, but she can’t seem to get it through her head that it’s over and just keeps answering. I would be upset with her if it wasn’t so depressing.

To her credit, though, she has tried to break her unhealthy addiction to me. Sometimes she’ll insist that she wants some “space,” and that she’s going to stop talking to me. Then I tell her that my grandmother died or something, and suddenly her need for space gets thrown out the window. Show some backbone, Therese.

It’s at the point where I wonder if I should get other people involved. I mean, there’s only so much I can do, and if she’s going to insist on taking my calls like this, it stops being my problem at a certain point. Maybe I’ll reach out to her mom. I’m sure she’ll respond to my e-mails—the apple never falls too far from the tree.

If you’re reading this Therese—and I really, really hope you are—move on already.