Next up: Dirty Sexy Casey James, singing... Bryan Adams. Well, isn't that something. How weird. What will it be? "Summer Of '69," he would do beautifully. If he sings "Heaven" I will start crying, the ugly kind, and I won't care if you see me do it. But if he sings that song about how you really really really love the woman, I will eat my hat. He's so much better than that. The funniest would be the "All For One" song about being a Musketeer, but that's a song for two and a half men, not the one and a half that is Casey. I wish he would sing the Coog's "Cherry Bomb." I wish anybody would sing "Cherry Bomb." Or Nenah Cherry. Or "Cherry Chapstick" by Yo La Tengo. Or that Garbage song that goes "Go Baby Go!" Or "Black Horse & Cherry Tree," he would totally rock that song. There are so many songs about cherries, I never knew that.

I'm actually getting really excited about this, despite my tentative ambivalence toward Casey as a thing. He is really quite good, isn't he? But first, let's remember that one time when he was nekkid and the way he makes Kara feel on the inside, and then look at his curling-ironed tendrils making him look like Ophelia or some kind of... Oh, "Heaven." Goodness. I love this song so much. This song makes me believe that there's somebody out there who meets my exacting standards. I mean, I guess the human way to say that would be: "This song makes me believe in love. Or at least that there's a person where when you look at them, it feels the same way as 'La Ritournelle.'" Whoever that person is, it's not Casey. But also, at this very moment, it's kind of Casey. I won't lie. Good Lord.

Kara and Casey are so totally awkward and weird and hilarious and pretends that he was singing the song just to her, which is indeed how it felt, and they joke around about that instead of giving a critique, which, who cares because he's so going through and it doesn't matter. Ellen says the exact same thing, which is that Casey is so fucking safe he didn't even need to be so wonderful just now, and they don't really need to weigh in. Randy says that unlike Kara, he doesn't like Casey "in that way," but that he loves him as much as everybody. Kara says that his hotness matters not a lick compared to what he just did... And Simon says exactly the same. I love how they're like, "We want to fuck you anyway, so thanks for being so talented."

Then Simon calls Kara a cougar, which is amazing, and even more amazing is when Casey sweetly thanks them, saying that he was expecting to get ripped apart, and then Ryan cracks a seriously hilarious joke about how Thursday is Results, but Friday will be a "two-hour event" all about Kara's HR hearing. Nicely played, Seacrest. Way to make that played-out joke funny again. I mean, I have no problem with Kara's part in this, and Casey's certainly blameless, but I'm gonna need about half the people who are currently involved in this joke (or trying to be, Randy Jackson) to step to the side, because there are too many cooks in the kitchen and it's making everybody uncomfortable.