FERRIS BOOTH — A historic low was reached at one of the Coca-Cola Freestyle soda fountains in Columbia’s own Ferris Booth Dining Hall. Armed witha water bottle the size of a small child, Dave Jepstein CC ’20, malevolently strode to the front of the line at the Ferris Booth Commons drinking station and proceeded to carefully fill it.

Shattering the previous record of eight and a half years for time spent at one individual station, previously held by That Guy who Apparently Never Learned to Use Serving Utensils CC ‘16, this dehydrated little bitch settled into a convenient spot right in the middle of one of Ferris’ only pathways and proceeded to spend ten fucking years filling his bottle.

Carefully waiting for every last drop to slowly fill the container, and even having the audacity to pull his water bottle away, look at it, see that there was a tiny sliver of space where he could fit in infinitesimal amount of additional water in the bottle, and put it backunder the motherfucking spout, Dave appeared to be in a state of oblivion, with the historic and record-breaking nature of his pursuit blinding him to the massive line of people waiting behind him.

During the time in which the thirsty bastard meticulously filled his bottle to its full mathematical capacity, six new generations of iPhone were released, fifty species of animals went extinct, and Ferris underwent two large-scale structural renovations. Upon finishing up at the soda fountain, Jepstein was momentarily impressed by the second set of stairs installed in the dining hall before deciding to wait in the pasta line.

“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”