Tag Archive: Depression

“…but my depression always drags me back to my bed,
until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city,
my mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves.…
the hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat,
but I am a careless tourist here;
I will never truly know everywhere I have been…”

I’m feeling off.
Part of me is genuinely happy with how life is right now. I’m comfortable, surrounded by people who love and respect me. I’ve found a whole mess of people who support me.

But there’s another part of me that wants to curl up and hide in a corner.

The scared little girl that wonders if she’ll ever be good enough, strong enough, pretty enough.
If she’ll ever be enough.

There are occasions – not as many as there used to be, mind you – where I feel so down on myself.
I have so many wonderful people around me, and sometimes I feel like I could never be as wonderful as they are.

I see these beautiful, healthy, smart women in my life.
Photos pop up on social media sites, hanging out at the malls, at dance events, at the bar, wherever.
I feel so… ugly.

All over, I feel ugly.
It’s like nothing I could ever say, or do, or be, will ever be meaningful or beautiful.

I don’t like to compare myself to others, and I try very hard not to.
I cannot ever compare to anyone else because we are not the same. Apples and oranges, you know?
There are times, though, that it gets the better of me.

So, today is one of those days.
I feel unattractive, lazy, and impossibly stupid.

I feel like the world is crashing down around me, that nothing I do is right. I feel like I am losing control over even the smallest things.

And yet, I have moments where I feel like things are fine. Like I should be grateful for the things I have.
Because, really, I have a good, comfortable life.
I have a steady job, relatively good health, a home, a husband that I love and who loves me.

My life is a good one.

And yet, I cannot find peace.
I am restless and melancholy and empty.
There is a pain in me…. I can’t say it’s my stomach or my chest… there’s a pain. A hollow, almost burning pain. It reminds me of when I am very hungry, to the point when my body starts to shut down. All I want to do is sleep.

I would like to think that I will get through this.
That it’s maybe a symptom of SAD (we really don’t get much sunshine up here… but fortunately spring is slowly keeping in.

Last night was bad.
The worst I have had in a LONG time.
I felt like my head was going to explode.

And I told hiim that.
I was tired of feeling cut off.
I am tired of feeling like a piece of furniture.

Honestly, I am tired of BOTH of us treating me like furniture.

It’s a combination of my husband being generally disconnected from society. He doesn’t like people. He likes me, but has no idea how to actually interact with me.
I would love to talk to him about my day… if I thought for a moment that he would care.
Oh, he cares that I am happy/satisfied. But he is just not interested in my job or hobbies. He is glad, though, that I have a job that I enjoy and hobbies that I love. He is concerned that I throw myself into things so fully that I get burned out.

Whaat bothers me is that I cannot vent to him.
I can’t talk to him about my day because he gets this glossy look in his eyes. I can’t unwind to him; it’s awkward and uncomfortable for the both of us.
Talking to him about dance is even harder. He just doesn’t care.

So last night I zoned out.
My brain spun and flew and banged against the inside of my head.
Every little thing that I felt I had done wrong, everything that I knew I failed at, all the things I did wrong…

I felt weak.
I felt useless.
I felt uwanted.

I wanted nothing more than to be comforted.
But I didn’t get that.

He sat, angry with me, in another room.

That didn’t help.

All I really, desperately needed was to feel his arms around me. I needed to hear that it would be ok.
But I didn’t.
I sat alone in the dark.
Crying.

I finally broke down, in a very loud, almost violent way, sometime around midnight.
I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore.
I needed him to know how I felt.

We were up for another 2 hours talking – which is what we needed.

I understand… I am totally hormonally imbalanced right now.
I feel a bit extra “crazy” and was, probably, overreacting.

But I felt distanced.
I still feel it a little.
It’s hard to say now, since it was just last night.
But I just feel like I am being kept at arms reach.

Because I have felt so far away, I have been compacent in my domestic “duties”.
I do things like laundry and dishes rarely. I clean litterboxes as needed.
I mostly just sit… on the computer or reading, in a world of my own.
I haven’t done much because I haven’t had any desire to do anything. That has made me less desirable.

That’s not true, though, is it? We don’t really change who we are.
People. Don’t. Change.

I tell myself that I’m not the same girl I used to be, but I really am.
I try to rationalize that I can’t be hurt, that I won’t let myself feel anymore.
I don’t want to believe in romantic love anymore. It feels so far away, so false.

I love my husband, don’t get me wrong. But he’s just a man.
Much like I am just a woman.
We are flawed and prone to hurting one another on occassion.

I don’t want to believe in rainbows and unicorns and pots of gold.
I don’t want to believe in higher beings holding power over my life.
I don’t want to believe in anything bigger than me.

But I do.
Somewhere, deep down, I belive in the happy endings and meant-to-bes.

And those beliefs lead to disappointment, saddness and a general melancholy outlook on life.
But they can also lead to wonder, joy, and amazement.

Today, though, I’m feeling the melancholy.
No, that’s a lie. It’s not just today. It’s been the last few days.
I’m not sure why it started, or when. I just know that things have made me edgy, sad, pissed off, and overall unhappy.

Seeing other people happy makes me frustrated.
Why can’t I have that?!