The ill-fated, oft-maligned, and seldom visited repository of my mind.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The Close-Minded Movie Reviewer

Once again it’s time for another episode of Close-Minded Movie Reviews. I will be critically analyzing movies I haven’t seen and giving either my blessing or the full wrath of my extreme disapproval, which if seen in its entirety is truly something to behold. I will use whatever information I have at hand - be it trailers, articles, blind supposition or wild speculation. I know some of you are saying, “Larry, since you haven’t seen it, it’s not technically a review”. To which I answer, “Do I need to come over there? Do I? Because oh, I will…alright, that’s better.”

Did you know in 1968 there was a book written by Paul R. Ehrlich called The Population Bomb predicting disaster for the world due to overpopulation? It predicted that "in the 1970s and 1980s hundreds of millions of people will starve to death", and "that nothing can be done to avoid mass famine greater than any in the history, and radical action is needed to limit the overpopulation. Predicting by the turn of the century England would no longer exist" Fortunately these types of wacky doomsday predictions have ceased to exist. Now, on to the movies…

Directed by Davis Guggenheim, it opened on May 24th. I gather this movie is about how we’re all going to die if we don’t stop abusing the earth. Well, if mother-earth wouldn’t sass us, we wouldn’t have to abuse her, now would we? At any rate, 100 minutes of Al Gore talking about anything, even Twinkies (and I loves me some Twinkies) and I’d be ready to douse myself in gasoline and light a match. Soon to be available in the "Science That Requires a PR Campaign" section of your local video store. No thanks and no stars.

I’m going to go with Colonel Mustard in the Library with the lead pipe. This film opens June 28th in limited release, with movie stars such as Tom Hanks, Ed Begly, Jr. and Mel Gibson as themselves praising their electric cars. Hopefully this will start a new trend where celebrities tell us about other things they’re into, that nobody cares about, like Scientology or experimental aircraft. Martin Sheen, stopping by earth on his way back from Planet Crazy, narrates this film. You can get 2 gallons of gas instead of seeing this movie, half a star.

This movie opened on June 16th and stars that guy from Friday Night Lights and Jarhead. I recently watched an interview with master thespian, and co-star of "Tokyo Drift", Lil’ Bow Wow. He said there’s never been a movie about “drifting” before. Other subjects there has never been a movie about: narcoleptic insurance salesman, bladder-incontinent truck drivers, and near-sighted cooks employed by the Waffle House. Perhaps because they’re dumb ideas…although admittedly not as dumb as calling yourself Lil’ Bow Wow. 1 star.

Opening on July 21st. Let’s see, it stars Paul Giamotti and when have you seen a bad movie with him? Ok, "Big Momma’s House", but besides that, the man is gold. The female lead is Bryce Howard, Ron Howard’s daughter who made her major acting debut in another Shaymalan movie, "The Village". While that movie wasn’t so hot, most everything else he’s done is solid. So basing my judgement off of purely anecdotal evidence (my personal favorite of all the kinds of evidences) I’ll recommend this movie and give it 3 stars.

Opening July 28th. Written and Directed by Woody Allen, and starring Scarlet Johansen, Woody Allen and Hugh Jackman. Johansen’s character meets a ghost played by Ian McShane (from HBO’s Deadwood) who I think is supposed to be a journalist from the past. It appears she meets him inside some sort of magician’s contraption and he warns her of the Tarot Card Murderer who may or may not be Jackman’s character. A Johansen-Jackman romance no doubt ensues, but don’t count out a Johansen-Allen hookup as well. I can’t get a firm read on this picture, so I’m going to tentatively recommend it with the caveat that I may revoke said recommendation if further “evidence” presents itself. 2 and a half stars.

Also opening July 28th, directed and produced by Michael Mann. Why must every TV series get made into a feature film? When does "Manimal" get its day in the sun? This sure-to-be-terrible movie stars Colin “I’ve never read a lousy script I didn’t love” Farrell and Jamie “I’m trying very hard to prove 'Ray' was a fluke” Fox. This film is directed by the mann (get it? mann...I kill me) who directed "The Aviator" and "Collateral". Based on the fact that there has never been an above-average film based on a television show ever, I’m going to have to say: wait for video, 1 1/2 stars.

That's all for now. Stay tuned for Closed-Minded Music Reviews where I review sight-unseen, (or sound-unheard) new music, so you don't have to.