If you have mounting a dinosaur on your bucket list (okay, that came out wrong), get ready to scratch it off when Universal Studios Hollywood opens the theme-park attraction, Jurassic World — The Ride, summer of 2019. Now you won’t have to travel back in time (another bucket list line item) 145 to 201 million years ago for the experience.

Here’s how they’re gonna justify a high ticket price: “Once aboard specially designed rafts, guests will navigate the lush environs of dense vegetation, traversing new areas besieged with towering dinosaurs meandering just an arm’s length away from visitors. Encounters with such docile creatures as the Stegosaurus and Parasaurolophus will quickly turn awry as predatory Velociraptors and Dilophosaurus begin to wreak havoc, turning guests from spectators to prey. When the Tyrannosaurus rex begins to battle one of the attraction’s new behemoth dinosaurs, the rafts will spill down a treacherous 84-foot waterfall as the sole means of escape.”

While I personally tend to stay away from carnival rides that can kill you (I’m looking in your direction, extra-spin-y Merry-Go-Round), I’ll be content to watch you do it. While you unpack that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as fun as a raft full of screaming people going over an 84-foot waterfall…

THE MAN WITH THE MAGIC BOX (April 4, 2019)
“This Orwellian sci-fi thriller is set in the dystopian future of 2030 Warsaw. A man wakes up without any memory of his previous life. He is assigned an apartment and a job as a janitor in an office building. But when he finds an old radio from the 1950s, it triggers mysterious visions of another past life. As he tries to piece together his past identity with the help of his beautiful but aloft boss, he runs afoul of a totalitarian government willing to do anything to stop him. A beguiling sci-fi love story that is at turns bleak, absurd, unsettling, and oddly affecting.”

A dystopian future that’s a sci-fi love story? I liked it better when it was called A Boy And His Dog (1975).

DEAD TRIGGER (May 3, 2019)
“A mysterious virus has killed billions and turned many others into bloodthirsty zombies. Unable to stop the virus, the government develops a video game Dead Trigger that mirrors the terrifying events that curse the world. The players who kill the most zombies in the game are recruited to combat the zombie horde in real life. Led by Captain Kyle Walker, the elite team travels to Terminal City, the origin of the outbreak, to find a team of scientists who have been working on a possible cure for the virus. The only way to get to them, however, is through a city full of terrifying undead mutants.”

Several observations: 1.) Zombies are not blood thirsty. They don’t even drink. If you need a designated driver, ride with a zombie. 2.) Being good with a gun on a video game does not make you a special ops shooter in real life. You have to be in rap video for those kinds of creds. 3.) A possible cure for the zombie virus is not possible. If there was, then why would we want to watch zombie movies? 4.) This plot is pulled from the cookie sheet of hundreds of similar zombie movies. But that’s kinda obvious.

THE FURIES (2019)
Rebellious high school students Kayla and her best friend Maddie are stalked and abducted by a sinister presence while out bombing their neighborhood with graffiti. Waking up, in the woods, bound and disoriented in a claustrophobic coffin-like apparatus, Kayla’s first thought is of Maddie. Before she has a chance to ruminate on the dreadful fate that may have befallen her friend, Kayla notices a terrifying masked man fast approaching, armed with a razor-sharp ax. As a chase ensues, it soon becomes clear that Kayla and her pursuer are not alone.

CARMILLA (2019)
“Miss Fontaine is a governess to 15-year-old Lara who lives in total isolation in her family home. Struggling to find an outlet for her burgeoning sexuality, Lara is enchanted by the mysterious Carmilla and the pair strike up a passionate relationship. However, with rumors and superstition rife and with the exhortation of the family doctor Carmilla’s presence in their home begins to strike fear into those around her.”

This one is said to be inspired by the 1872 same named novel (or “book”) by Sheridan Le Fanu, and is considered one of the first works of vampire fiction. I didn’t know vampires could read.

While it doesn’t come out until September of 2019 (that sounds so Back To The Future), It: Chapter 2 already has some key art, though I’d imagine there’s going to be a stack of ‘em as we get closer to the mega-successful first film’s sequel.

I’ll concede these look fan-made, but man, I’m drooling uncontrollably for this one to come out as the first one was downright wicked badass cool.

While you work on your Back To The Future time-traveling car to see the movie before anyone else, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you uncontrollably drool…

THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE (October 12, 2018/Netflix™)
“A modern re-imagining of Shirley Jackson‘s iconic 1959 novel, The Haunting of Hill House, explores a group of siblings who, as children, grew up in what would go on to become the most famous haunted house in the country. Now adults, and forced back together in the face of tragedy, the family must finally confront the ghosts of their past — some of which still lurk in their minds while others may actually be stalking the shadows of Hill House.”

If you’re writing this on your face with an indelible ink pen, the book was adapted to film form a couple ‘o times, once in 1963 and 36 years later in 1999, both titled The Haunting. (The 1963 version was cooler.) Wonder why ghosts always haunt places called Hill House? Guess that seems more spooky than The Haunting of Hill Condominiums or Haunted Hill Townhouses & Golf Course.

WILD BOAR (2018)
“A small group of treasure seekers, also known as ‘Geocachers’, trek into to the desert to conquer a Geocache ‘Challenge’. Out in the wild they stumble upon a forbidden world flooded with radiation and inhabited by a race of bloodthirsty mutants who have evolved from pigs. They soon find themselves in a world where they are the prey and swine are the predators.”

Evolved from pigs. I’ve heard that uttered in my direction at an all-you-can-eat $4.99 buffet more than a few times. For a more palatable version of a Pig Man, look no further than The Island of Dr. Moreau (1977 version). He kinda looks like someone’s pension drunk uncle.

SCHOOL’S OUT (aka, L’Heuer de la Sortie/2018)
“Pierre Hoffman is a substitute form tutor, brought in after his predecessor commits suicide by throwing himself out of the classroom window in front of his teenage students. Hoffman finds that six of his new students seem strangely indifferent to what they witnessed and as time goes on he observes that this small, tight-knit group exerts a strange sinister influence over the rest of the school. He becomes obsessed with the group, who are unusually smart and precocious, discovering it is united by a dark vision of a doomed future and contempt for adults. This obsession turns into terror when he discovers their ultimate, extreme and dangerous goal.”

So a teacher jumps out a classroom window? I bet someone said, you fly, I’ll buy.” Wonder how many times Superman’s fallen (heh) for that one? P.S. Resist the urge to confuse this with the same named craptacular 1999 movie.

THE SWARM (in production/2019)
“Whales begin sinking ships. Toxic, eyeless crabs poison Long Island’s water supply. The North Sea shelf collapses, killing thousands in Europe. Around the world, countries are beginning to feel the effects of the ocean’s revenge as the seas and their inhabitants begin a violent revolution against mankind. At stake is the survival of the Earth’s fragile ecology — and ultimately, the survival of the human race itself.”

This one is to be a sci-fi TV series and sounds binge-watchingly delightful, what with fish ‘n friends sucker-punching humananity. I bet Flipper is behind this aquatic uprising. Like I’ve always said, never trust a talking dolphin.

Finally, someone gets the joke about the exploding plethora of shark movies. Premiering on the SyFy Channel™ is a fin-in-cheek movie called Bad CGI Sharks (2018), with CGI standing for “computer-generated imagery” or “chewing gristle intently.” (Not sure which is correct.)

Here’s the plot: “Two estranged brothers writing a script about a killer shark. That shark soon enters into their own reality.” This type of “write a story and it actually happens” plot device has been used numerous times, although it has yet to work for me. Still, the trailer is funny in the way, ironically, CGI sharks are tummy ticklers.

This takes me back to the days of Jaws (1975), in which Bruce, the shark, was a mechanical device built to scale (no pun intended in that fish have scales —heh!), and used to historic effect, remaining arguably best shark movie of all time to this day. (An argument could be made for Mega Shark Versus Mecha Shark/2014.)

So popular was/still is Jaws, a flood of toys/merch followed in its bloody wake and are highly collectible over four decades later. (You’ll never pry my fuzzy Jaws beach towel out of my cold, wet hands.)

This got me thinking, which is kinda hard to do. I’ve covered as many shark movies as possible, but inevitably there are a few over the years that slipped through my journalistic trawling net. If you’re a fan of shark flicks of all levels of cheesiness, consider adding these to your chum bucket list…

MISSISSIPPI RIVER SHARKS (2017)
“Sharks attack a fish rodeo on the Mississippi River, and it is up to a group of locals to stop them.”

A fish rodeo. Makes total sense. But maybe the sharks were just after the area’s famous Mississippi Mud Pie. (Recipe: A crust of crushed chocolate cookies, topped with layers of dense, flourless chocolate cake and velvety chocolate pudding. Who wouldn’t attack that?)

Hillbilly sharks. Wonder if their swimsuits have suspenders on ’em? P.S. They used the same shark on the cover of Mississippi River Sharks. Busted.

ROBOSHARK (2015)
“What starts off as a typical day on the streets of Seattle soon becomes a terrifying bloodbath, when a great white shark devours an alien space probe…and ROBOSHARK is born. The U.S. military comes after it with guns blazing, but it’s the power of social media that puts an ambitious newscaster and her tech-savvy daughter ahead of everyone else in the race to stop the destruction.

I live in Seattle. A Roboshark that eats UFO droppings and put on their hipster hybrid pants are the least of this town’s problems — me being one of ‘em.

RAGING SHARKS (2005)
“An alien object falls from space into the Bermuda Triangle where it pumps up the resident sharks like a steroid.”

I though all sharks were/are raging. A weak concept when you have to combine aliens, sharks and the Bermuda Triangle. For a better pairing, I suggest, clams jubilee with a 40 ounce Chianti of Foster’s Lager™. Finish with a nice nap.

Since sharks have been used as everything from snow and sand, to ghosts and multi-headed mutants, there’s one shark-themed movie that’s never beenmade. Bets are on as to how long it’ll be before this one’s made…

In the dystopian sci-fi Pandorum (2009), The Elysium is a 60,000 passenger space ship/motel that’s 500 million miles from Earth. So much for remembering where you parked the car. Two astronauts awake from hyper-sleep (like regular sleep but with no noisy neighbors waking you) and discover they don’t know who they are or where they are, which accurately describes the morning after a Jager™ bender.

Slowly their mind yarn begins to re-spool, and off one of ’em goes to find the ship’s nuclear reactor to power up the restrooms and such. What they find is that the indoor neighborhood is overrun by mutated versions of themselves. These creatures are pasty-white, slimy, super-strong, super fast, below-average hygiene, and addicted to survivor flesh. Several of those food types are discovered still keeping out of teeth’s length of the hungy mutants. And if that wasn’t enough, a condition known as Pandorum — a pronounced form of space insanity — is beginning to set in on Lt. Payton, the head astro guy.

The moon clock is ticking as the reactor is beginning its self-destruct phase. So, like, that lights yet another fire under everyone’s asteroids. Thankfully, there’s a grim twist to all of this as you kinda get bored watching people running away from the mutes, who all look like Road Warrior (1981) extras.

Lt. Payton is in the throes of Pandorum. The monsters are closing in. And the air stinks. (In space no one can hear you fart, but they can certainly smell it.) All of this sounds pretty cool, but for some reason it’s just a big “been-there-seen-that” meh.

Nice visuals, but I just wasn’t feeling the love from the mutants. You might be able to figure out the ending, but if not, don’t worry — it’s just a touch of Pandorum. Take two celestial Tylenol™ and call me in the new Millennium.

1963: Two couples looking to have a romantic anniversary weekend to feel each other up move into the last un-rented castle (or, House of the Damned) with a view in California, only to discover there are dead mutant circus freaks partying in the basement. (Say what you will about dead mutant circus freaks, those guys know how to throw a happenin’ shindig!)

This doesn’t bother the couple and their two unhappily married friends nearly as much as the headless woman and a half-man wandering (okay rolling) around without a glass of White Zinfandel™ in their hands. That simply wouldn’t happen in Napa Valley, or “wine country.”

Rage of the Werewolf (1999) finds Earth infested with lycanthropes (and vampires and mutants) whose dormant genes have been activated by the moon’s gravitational suck, which was pushed closer to our ozone by a meteor. Stupid space rocks – always up to atmospheric assh*lery.

A power mad werewolf captures a vampire to mix their blood in order to create a super monster hybrid (this concept pre-dated evolution by years), the plan being to rid the world of stink humans who hunt them for their pelts.

Horror icon Debbie Rochon plays the delicious Kessa, a female vampire who is used for the biting experiments. Working on a $1.50 budget, Rage of the Werewolf can be excused for the silliest looking werewolves this side of Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988/bear costumes with rubber fangs). The monsters growl like they’re working on a stubborn stool, but there is a nice amount of gore — and Debbie.

News of zombie horror flick The Horde, releasing on DVD/VOD on May 6, 2016, is one of those “you’ve got to be kidding me” moments. First the plot, then a supportive argument, though you won’t need it…

“John Crenshaw has given up his life as leader of his Navy SEAL team to settle down and marry his girlfriend Selina. He accompanies Selina and her students on a weekend nature-photography expedition deep into the Oregon woods. What starts out as an educational and fun-filled weekend turns into horror as the group is besieged by an unspeakable evil – a horde of hideously disfigured, mutated humans with an insatiable taste for blood.”

Educational and fun-filled weekend? I’ve never heard a honeymoon quite described like that.

Okay, let’s lift the hood and see where the problem is. First, there is already a French zombie movie called La Horde (2010), a superior one at that. (There’s also a 2012 Russian fictionalized narrative called The Horde of how Saint Alexius healed Taidula Khatun, the mother of the Golden Horde Khan Jani Beg from blindness. Of course I knew that.)

Secondly, using a Navy SEAL to battle zombies was just done in 2015: Navy SEALS vs. Zombies. (The SEALS kick ass, but to employ them here is an insult.)

Thirdly, the rest of the plot reads like an episode of The Walking Dead: “The horde savagely attacks the camp. John fights off some and is left for dead as the creatures, led by the sadistic Atkinson, take Selina and the group back to their camp. Battered and enraged Crenshaw must once again embrace the life he left behind to track down and kill the horde. With unrelenting danger around every corner he must deal with the savage mutants and human deceit.”

Lastly, the kicker line: “Fight Back or Die.” Seriously? Did someone get paid to come up with that? I so, I hope the check bounced.

Does anyone have a shred of zombie originality anymore? This is an argument aimed at 99% of all the undead crap clogging up humanity’s plumbing. (I’m looking in your direction,Fear of the Walking Dead.)

Message to filmmakers – send me $715.00 in small unmarked bills and I’ll hook you up with a sweet and original zombie movie idea that doesn’t fall back on a lazy title, Navy SEALS or photocopied plots.