Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Tonight my compatriate Sam and I sang "Unforgiven" by Metallica at karaoke, and we decided to spice it up with what was meant to be a PG-13 strip dance. We both slowly worked down to only wearing our boxers and sneakers. Some girl, or rather, HARLOT, in the audience took it upon herself to spice things up too. She pinched our nipples, she grabbed Sammy's crotch, and then, in a moment of true despicable debauchery, PULLED DOWN MY UNDERPANTS. It only lasted for a split-second, but roughly 50-60 people saw my weiner, and probably only about 20 of them actually wanted to see it. Those 20 were all hot chicks, by the way. Anyways, this girl totally ruined the whole thing. We were just trying to have fun, and now we look like (bigger) perverts. Screw you lady. No, not like that. Quit touching our weiners. Go away.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

So last night I tried "Stand Up Comedy" for the first time ever. In the last few months I've done many panic-inducing things, such as asking a friend on a date, telling my parents that I used to do drugs, and going on stage in my underwear in front of 2000 people, but never have I been more panicked and nervous than I was last night. Holy shit. I thought I was gonna explode in barf. Which probably would have gotten more laughs than anything I did, but would have been gross. Actually I got a good amount of laughs, and I'm gonna do it again soon. My thanks to my friends that came out to support me, even though your presence only made me more terrified, and to fellow performer Baron Vaughn, who after my set told me "Most virgins bleed the first time, and there's no blood up there." That's pretty much one of the best/weirdest compliments I've ever received. Also thanks to my dearly departed grandparents, because the stories about them got the biggest laughs and an "Oh my God." So yeah, I was totally nervous but it was fun, and now I'm that much closer to a "Punchline"-style breakdown where I cry on stage in fron of everyone!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Okay so yesterday I bought a NintendoWii. I stood in line with Sam (after his German accent soundly defeated mine at an audition for a role alongside Paul "Pee-Wee Herman" Reubens) for like half an hour, watching him prepare to buy one, and then I finally figured "hey, I'm already in the line, why not?" The TV ad they kept showing outside the store didn't hurt either. It was a bunch of cute Japanese girls playing a tennis game or something on the Wii, and it was so adorable/hot that I decided that I too should be adorable/hot and buy one. I should be glad that more unnecessary items aren't marketed by cute Japanese girls, or I would have way more crap. If they can just keep it contained to video games and cartoons, I should be fine. That was yesterday morning, and I still haven't played it because I've been so busy with stuff like not getting TV roles and eating lunch with powerful Hollywood executives at the EPSN Zone restaurant,that I haven't had any time for games like "Monkey Ball" and "Zelda Goes Fishing." I don't know if that's really the title of the Zelda game, I haven't had time to read the box. I will play it eventually though, and it will be totally adorable. And kinda hot.

So I've been quitting smoking, and for the last week or so I haven't been drinking either. It's not for any reason, really, I just felt like chilling out on it. I still haven't been smoking, but the "no drinking" thing came to a crashing halt last night at Karaoke Killed The Cat. Matt and Shandi decided the three of us should drink giant glasses of tequila that Pat the Bartender had cleverly disguised as Long Island Ice Teas. About an hour later,we were shoving ice down eachother's pants, biting people on the face, and generally upsetting the delicate balance of peace in Pianos. Had we been in any other establishment, we probably would have gotten thrown out. The reason I want to not drink as much is because being drunk isn't really that fun anymore, but last night it was AWESOME. I guess it's all about being in the right mood with the right people, and having a giant glass of tequila. Anyways, I managed to somehow get through the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" with a huge cupful of ice in my briefs, and I had to wait for some of the cubes to melt because they got stuck in the pee flap of my underwear and I couldn't get them out. And I think Shandi slapped me in the balls.

I have to go buy a couch and "cat grass" (whatever that is) from Mr. Coats now. We'll try and stay away from the tequila.

I'll be back later today with a "Reader Survey" that I want you all to do!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Okay, so does everyone remember that puppet Lambchop? She had an educational TV show for a while? Sang that "this is a song that doesn't end" song? Here she is, with her creator/voice Shari Lewis:

You remember that, right? Anyways, Shari Lewis died a while back, but apparently her daughter Mallory has decided to pick up the torch of "teaching children love and harmony by throwing your voice into a piece of cloth." Here she is (notice Lambchop image embroidered on jeans; she was a fan first):

So yeah, Lambchop is kind of a famous puppet. And she and Mallory played at the Whitest Kids show tonight. I'm still not sure how she got booked or why she agreed to do it, but it was kind of surreal. No, wait. It was EXTREMELY SURREAL. Lambchop is by far the biggest celebrity that has ever played with us, which is a ridiculous, ridiculous notion to consider since she is basically a really nice sock puppet that taught my little sister to read. Also tonight, we unintentionally had two other acts involving puppetry and/or talking inanimate objects and I think the audience was let down when the Whitest Kids came out and we had no puppets, no ventriloquism, and no songs that did not end. I did have my hand up Sam's ass, but that was after the show and only the two of us and the rest of our online fetish club saw it (in a posting about puppets, you KNEW I was going to make a "hand in ass" joke, and it would have been comedically irresponsible of me not to do it; it had to be done, and I'd like to think that we're all better people for it).

And now that I have you all envisioning me exploring Sam in that fashion, let me tell you that I found an apartment! In the area I wanted! At a great price! No, it wasn' the grumpy landlord I mentioned a few days ago; that guy wouldn't believe that I had money despite my being chubby and showing him my bank statements. But anyways, that nightmare's over, and now I can finally go back to just having regular nightmares, y'know, like the kind involving my skin falling off, or girls biting me (both actual recent nightmares).

Friday, November 17, 2006

"Happy Feet" was the best movie I've seen in a long time. In an IMAX theater full of children. With Sam. The best movie I've seen under those circumstances.

Actually it was pretty awesome. And adorable. And Robin Williams is tolerable.

The Andrew W.K.lecture was insane. He didn't prepare for it at all. It was basically just Q & A, and all of his answers were intelligent, insightful, and about as trippy as answers to questions like "what is your favorite sandwich?" can be. And at one point he danced around and threw his chair. The thing that bothered me was that about 75% of the kids that asked questions seemed to be asking them just to be in the spotlight for 45 seconds rather than to enhance the quality of his lecture. And I know it sounds crazy saying "enhance the quality of the lecture" when talking about a lecture by the guy who sings "Party 'Til you Puke," but he was actually really compelling, interesting, fun, and a really smart guy. Okay, that last bit sounded like I was a 13 year-old girl describing my "dream guy," but whatever. It just kinda pissed me off that a lot of kids seemed to treat him like a cartoon character and didn't take him seriously, e.g. "HEY! Let's ask the 'Party Hard' guy for a hug while he's onstage! Hee-hee!" Just because someone makes money by singing about partying (or pretending to rub poop on their face) doesn't mean they're a ridiculous clown (not in his case at least).

And lastly, let me finish up my days-long Meat Loaf obsession. I was planning on writing some sort of epic piece about his epic trilogy of albums, but I just can't do it. His music is so ridiculous and crazy that I can't really imagine what I could say about it. I do think it's "good," but I also think it's just really ridiculous and fun to listen to, but then most of the music I listen to, I listen to for that reason. But I think my favorite Meat Loaf song titles are "Good Girls Go To Heaven (Bad Girls Go Everywhere)" and "If It Ain't Broke Break It," which starts with a "homey" guy saying "Damn, you crazy, man!"

First off, I'm going to see "Happy Feet" in IMAX with the Whitest Kids. Yes, that is the "dancing penguins movie," and we're all pretty excited about it. Robin Williams is in it, but besides that it looks like the most adorable movie ever made.

Then I'm going to see Andrew W.K., not in concert but in lecture. I'm really not sure what to expect, but I'm pretty sure the main subjects discussed will include, "Partying," "Awesome," and "Andrew WK is Awesome at Partying." It was only five bucks. Would YOU turn it down? I know I wouldn't. I know that because I didn't.

On Red Lobster, which I visited for the first time tonight: You don't need to put butter in everything. I asked the waiter for more water, and when he brought it back he said "OH! Did you not get butter in the first one?" He reached into his pocket, presumably for some butter to put into my water, so I stabbed him in the gut with a crab claw and ran away.

On "Stranger Than Fiction," Will Ferrell's new movie: It was pretty good. It's kind of a date movie, and I went there with four dudes. We're all making out right now though, so I guess it did its job. But really I think the point of the movie is that everyone will want to fuck Maggie Gyllenhaal after they see it.

On the creepy dude that was hitting/spitting on all the girls at the Plan B bar this evening: When you're dressed up, don't hit on people that aren't dressed up. That's just weird.

On the train I was discussing Guitar Hero 2 with my friends, and how it gave me callouses on my fingers, and this dude sitting across from me held up his nub of a ring finger and said "At least THIS didn't happen to you. I burnt this finger to the nub playing guitar." I just imagined this guy on stage with some ridiculous band (maybe Journey on some night when Randy Jackson couldn't make it), shredding some hot lick until his hand exploded all over his Tazmanian Devil jacket .

And I am STILL listening to Meat Loaf's "Bat Out Of Hell" trilogy. The new one, "Bat Out Of Hell III: Out Of 'Fight Club' Money" is like 2 hours long. It's ridiculous. Y'know, a lot of people give Meat Loaf shit* and say he's cheesy and a crazy pop star, and while those two statements are both true, I think we as a nation have overlooked his bombastic, operatic, theatrical, metal genius. I mean, all of his songs are about...well, about 8 minutes long, but they're also all about banging women, Hell, weapons, and being a rocker. I can't think of any other subjects that I would ever want to hear a song about. But yeah, I think Meat Loaf deserves a little cred, even though he's clearly a nutjob. I will explain more later. Good evening.

* I said "Meat Loaf Shit" in a sentence that wasn't even about meat, loaves, or shit. I'm awesome.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

First of all, let me just say that my roommate Hans is asleep on the couch next to me, and he is really snoring up a storm! There are noises occurring that I did not know exist! It has some sort of hypnotic effect on the cat though.

Anyways, as I mentioned like 8 hours ago, I am trying to quit smoking, and today will hopefully be my 4th day in a row without a cigarette. I've tried quitting smoking several times before, and The Day 4 is always the roughest. I don't know if maybe the addiction is punching every nerve on its way out or that my body is saying "Seriously?!? No more fucking cigarettes?!? You SUCK!" but either way, I'm always extremely agitated, grumpy, and basically insane on Day 4.

It's probably the closest I'll ever come to having PMS, unless the future is like the movie "Junior," because if it is, that means guys will be able to get pregnant, which probably means we'll have vaginas, which probably means we'll get PMS. And even if it doesn't happen to every man in the future and is only like an experiment or something, I'll still be getting PMS because I will totally try pregnancy in the vain hope that I give birth to a big sandwich and a bottle of soda like on that episode of "The Cosby Show."

So yeah, I'm just starting my Day 4, and looking at my schedule for today, and am pretty much getting ready to just go ahead and start carving my eyes out now, because it's a doozy! First off, I have a callback for a commercial audition, which is great, but basically means that I'm gonna go in there and the casting people will make me do the same role I did yesterday, only in a way different than what they liked yesterday, and then they'll watch it later and not like it and not call me back. So that's how that works. Then I have to call the Whitest Kids' accountant, who I think is not only bothered by the fact that I go by "Timmy," but that the troupe's official business name is "Whitest Kids Business Company International Conglomerate, LLC." That's the name on my paychecks, and I think my bank is scared of me too. Ah well.

So after that, I have to go convince this grumpy Polish landlord that I do have enough money coming in from WKBCICLLC to rent his apartment, and it's probably not gonna turn out well. Then I'll go meet up with this other broker lady and look at like 5 apartments with her, then I'll come back home, listen to the snoring again, and tear my hair out!

Ta-ta! See you on the other side!

P.S. Speaking of things that annoy me, I also I had to do MATH for the first time in 6 months the other day. I had to count the (small) amount of cash and sales we had from our merchandise while on tour. It's very humbling to look at 9 CDs sold in one day and say "Wow! Pretty good!" while Flogging Molly is selling like 500 shirts and 200 CDs every day. Maybe we should say we're Irish too.

Okay, so I've had this blog since like January, and I JUST NOW realized that every comment that has been left since this blog's inception was being kept in some folder, waiting to be approved, and I just now found the folder and approved them. I'm sorry. It will never happen again.

If I went back and time and told the me from five years ago that me now had typed that sentence, Past Me would probably try to fight me. But then I'd bring him back to the future and we'd sing some Megadeth together and he would see how awesome it was. And he would totally vote for the N*SYNC song above all those Backstreet Boys people.

But really, last night was awesome; there weren't a ton of people, just enough to have a good time, and all of us Karaoke Freaks got to sing a lot of songs. And I drank a lot of orange juice and water (I'm not drinking for a little while because I had a cold and am quitting smoking).

But all that rockin' out made me sweaty, which normally happens, but I didn't notice how sweaty until after I entered the taxi to go home. The windows actually started fogging up when I entered the vehicle. I know it was also humid out yesterday, but I didn't see any other fogged-up cars, so I'm guessing it was my own man-vapors that turned the taxi into a sauna. I think the driver was annoyed, but that's okay. Here's why:

Taxi drivers can't get to Sunset Park. None of 'em. I take cabs home about twice a week, and I NEVER have gotten a driver who, after hearing my address, says "Okay." And that's fine. It's a big city. I understand not knowing all of it like the back of your hand, especially since my neighborhood is kinda deep into Brooklyn and somewhat insular, meaning it is rather self-sustaining with its own stores, rappers, and Chinatowns. And when I tell people where I live, they normally ask me if there are farms where I live (the answer is no). So it's okay that these dudes don't know where it is...but...I DO. I tell these guys explicit directions EACH AND EVERY TIME, and they never listen! But don't take my word for it, read the script:

TITLE: "TAXI TIME TIMMY"

FADE TO:INT. TAXI - NIGHT

TIMMY, a devilishly handsome comedic genius and brilliant karaoke artist, flips back his silky raven hair with one hand while clutching the plastic window thing in the middle of the hand with his other. he is dripping in sweat, but in a sexy way. The CABBIE sits in the front of the taxi, a dumbfounded look on his face and a cell-phone headset on his ear.TIMMYSo yeah, just take the Manhattan Bridge down Flatbush, then to 4th Avenue, and then just go left at 46th.

The CABBIE begins talking to someone on his headset phone loudly. The din is only increased by the radio blaring the news in the same language that the driver is speaking. Several minutes of gridlocked traffic pn the BQE pass by as the meter skyrockets into the teens, and then twenties...

CABBIEBQE is jammed! Why are we on this?!? I'll take a shortcut!

TIMMYBut...

The rest of TIMMY's sentence is cut off by squealing tires as the taxi screams off the BQE, down some random dark street. The CABBIE then begins craning his neck out the window, looking for some landmark that may indicate where he has just guided his cab and it's priceless fare...

FADE TO BLACK

And it goes on like that for like 20 more minutes, until I'm finally dropped off three blocks from my house three hours later and 30 bucks poorer.

Okay, so this post got really long (I'm listening to Meat Loaf's "Bat Out Of Hell," so that's probably why), but here's my point: CABBIES. Grab a map. Learn the city. Or at least Sunset Part, because that's where I live, and I'm awesome. And I see more and more college kids here every month, and we all know they like cabs too, so it might be a smart move. Just learn it. Please. And then learn Greenpoint, because I'm moving there in like two weeks. Thanks.And yes, I really am listening to that album right now. I'm gonna listen to the whole trilogy in the next few days and then intrepret it here.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

So the Whitest Kids had a show at that new comedy club Comix last night. The club was pretty nice, but not as extreme as the name might lead one to believe. But anyways, the show went AWESOMELY. It was the most fun I've had doing one in a while, and we had some great comedians (John Mulaney, Maria Bamford, and Andy Kindler) open up for us. It was totally awesome. I'm still pretty sick (with the cold, not the spinach/paint disease), so I was kind of high on cold medicine the whole night, but everyone else says it was fun too, so I'm pretty sure it actually was.

After the show I talked to this girl who is a fan of the troupe that had recognized me once while I was buying comics. There's not really a worse time to recognize someone. That's when a closeted nerd/dork/dweeb is at his most vulnerable (this was before I started broadcasting my dorkiness on the internet). I was almost gonna lie and say "Whitest WHAT? Are you some kinda racist?" then I realized she was probably just as nerdy too, since she was IN the store, so why would she pass judgement on a fellow nerd? But maybe she was just buying them for her son? It turned out that she worked there, which, nerdiness-wise, is somewhere in between those two scenarios. I'm sure she wouldn't have thought I was a nerd, but just to safe, I told her that I was buying them for a high-powered celebrity whose name I couldn't reveal (it was Tom Hanks).

Speaking of high-powered celebrities, after the show I was at the bar next door and Moby was there. Nothing interesting happened, I just though I'd mention that I saw him, and that he was about as little and meek as you'd imagine. He's like a mouse with a laptop and a nice jacket.

Well, I'm still sick. I woke up shivering last night, which was too bad because I was having a really awesome dream where I had a gun. Then I put on a bunch of clothes since you're supposed to sweat out a cold. I think it's sweating out. I'm really good at sweating.

So yesterday a bunch of us went to Queens and played paintball for Darren's birthday. It was RADICAL!!! I'm not very good but I had a lot of fun. Most of my highlights involved either shooting Sam or shooting Darren's girlfriend. At one point Zach shot me in the face and the ball managed to make it under my mask, hit me in the chin, and explode in my mouth. When I took my mask off after the game, the referee was like "Oh damn, son, you gotta go to the bathroom yo (he was like 15 and really seemed to enjoy talking like that)." When I got into the bathroom and looked at my face in the mirror, I looked AWESOME. My face was covered in paint and blood, like Braveheart. Or a goth kid.

Anyways after that we played one more paintball game called "Iron Man." Basically you shoot at anything that moves, and you keep playing until you either run out of ammo or can't take the pain of getting hit anymore. I went until my ammo ran out; the pain didn't bother me, because I'm really manly. Really manly. Also, I have the natural padding. I think I actually got hit the most that round, because I was trying to reload behind this little barrier thing, and the way I was positioned behind it, my ass and my left arm were sticking out, so they got pelted pretty good. Not as bad as eating the paint though.

So after that I ate this spinach crepe thing at The Beer Garden in Queens (not "a beer garden," but "The Beer Garden," I've been told). Then I went to Plan B and hung out with a bunch of buddies for about 30 seconds before I went into the restroom and threw up the entire spinach thing (and probably some paint). Why? Was it the food? The paint? The fact that I sweated like 75 gallons during paintball? Or is it Plan B itself? The world may never know. But anyways I went home not too long after that.

And now I wake up this morning and have a bitch-whore of a cold. I was supposed to go look at apartments and prepare for the Whitest Kids show tomorrow, but instead I'm hacking up a lung, eating cold pills (I'm not fucking with the liquid stuff after all the pukery lately), and probably playing Guitar Hero 2 later. But first, a nap. Also if anyone out there wants to come to the aforementioned WKUK show tomorrow night, please do! It will be different (and probably longer) than our Pianos shows, and although there's an admission, you don't have to buy drinks (a rarity at comedy clubs) and you can send me a a message and I'll send you the secret code to get 25% off your ticket. Oh yeah.

I realize this posting hasn't been particularly funny or interesting, and for that I apologize; I'm just sick and wanted to type, is that so wrong?

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Okay, so you may have been reading my blog lately and thinking I'm constantly grumpy and/or bitter about everything. That's not actually true. I am a very happy little man, I just like to complain, that's all. But anyways, in order to prove that I am in fact not bummed out all the time, I now present a list of the top 10 things that make me happy right now:

10. Food. I'm a chubby, so I had to put it on there somewhere, and we're now entering that month-long Thanksgiving/Christmas awesome-food-a-thon, which is like Fat Guy Ramadan.

9. Sequels. There's a lot of good ones like "Aliens," "Godfather 2," "Terminator 2," and "Showdown in Little Tokyo," which I think is a sequel to The Bible (it's that good).

8. The Spy Restaurant in Milwaukee. You have to find secret passages to both enter and exit the place. I will never go there if they have a fire though. That's just dangerous.

7. Riding around the country on a lavish tour bus for six weeks to do two minutes of work every day.

6. The autographed photo of Garth Brooks that I have hanging on my wall. I found it in a thrift store like 7 years ago, and it still brings me great joy.

5. Guitar Hero 2, which would be higher on my list but is so awesome that it made me play it too much yesterday and now my fingers hurt.

3. Starts with a "K." Ends with "araoke." No, it's not "Karate." Learn to read.

2. The Whitest Kids U' Know, even though I see entirely too much of them now and our last show was a drag. I guess what I really wanted to write here was "that sweet, sweet Whitest Kids cash."

1. My friends, including said Whitest Kids, my cat Spaceship, and dental floss (that's what my dentist says anyways), and my family. I also love the fact that South Dakota put medicinal marijuana on their ballot yesterday, which is surprisingly chill of them, but they don't get a spot on the list because they also banned same-sex marriage (and the pot thing didn't pass). Come on guys, be chill.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Why are all these guys in my neighborhood still wearing their rapper costumes?

I think my brain was slowly deteriorating while I was out on tour. I got dumber and more forgetful as it went on, but today I ran into a friend that I haven't seen in like two years, and I remembered her name right away! I haven't done that in a looooooong time! Take that, senility!

I can't tell if it's Jennifer Garner or Hilary Swank anymore.

I was at one of New York's many fine eating establishments (Wendy's) this afternoon, when a really shady-looking dude with a mean look on his face entered the restaurant. I was afraid that he was gonna try and rob the place or something until I saw a skateboard in his hand. I mean, you never see people rob places with skateboards, right? Although it could be a good escape vehicle, it's really taking up hand space for a much more useful item, such as a gun, or a dollar-sign bag.

Well, my brain must not have fully healed from brain deteriration yet, because that's all the thoughts I had today. Four.

So I took my first night off from being awesome in a loooong time tonight and decided to watch some good old TV. I watched the new Lost episode, and found it entertaining and surprising, but what was even MORE surprising was that, during one of the commercial breaks, I learned that they now make a car that parallel parks itself! Wow! AND Taye Diggs is coming back to the small screen! Wow wow wow!

After that I played this new video game Bully, where you play a bully at a prep school and you go around and harass the other kids and make out with the hot girls. You can probably guess just by reading this blog that I never did any of those things in my real life, so I'm glad that technology can finally allow me to live out my dreams. Here's hoping that a "Guy That Doesn't Lose His Laptop Or Scare Off Women" game is soon to follow.

Then I decided to finally prove to myself once and for all that I am indeed a weirdo, so I kept flipping between a documentary about the SuicideGirls and the movie American History X. It was kind of a failed experiment. I thought that going back and forth between cute girls with tattooed boobies and Ed Norton getting ass-raped would be entertaining, but instead I just feel barfy now.

Today I also let Spaceship eat a bone. She didn't eat meat off of the bone, she just actually devoured the bone. I would feel bad for doing that but I'm pretty sure she pooped in my room today, so now we're even.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Okay, so Halloween is done. At least for me. I'm sure right now there's still lots of dudes in "Guy with a Big Afro" costumes making out with "Sexy Butterflies," but I'm at home and done with it all. I love being in New York for Halloween, in fact I think that this city OWNS the holiday, but this year's celebration didn't quite do it for me. Maybe it's because it was on Tuesday, and I wasn't in town for Saturday, which was probably when all the real parties were going on, but tonight there weren't even a lot of costumes, and very few great ones.

The best costumes I saw were in Duluth, Minnesota, on Saturday. There was a guy there dressed as that famous "National Geographic" cover with that lady with the really bright blue eyes, and a group of dudes as the entire cast of "DOG The Bounty Hunter."

I did see a Santa Claus costume tonight though, which is pretty good. And I also saw a homeless guy costume. Now I know what you're thinking: "It probably WAS a homeless guy, you worthless fat lump of shit!" Well, the guy had a cell phone at the time, so I'm pretty sure it was a costume. I don't think that it was an actual homeless guy with a stolen cell phone, because I still have my cell phone. And don't call me a fat lump of shit. The "worthless" part is still up for debate though.

I also saw a dude whose costume was a t-shirt that said "Bad Halloween Costume." I didn't have the heart to tell him how right-on his costume really was.

I had a lot more thoughts about this, but I can't remember them anymore.

Tomorrow I'll write something about poop, because I haven't done that in a while.