Does the Pope want you to wear a rubber?

If you’re like me you were pleased to learn that the Pope is softening the Church’s stance on the use of condoms; you’re also confused as to who gets to wear a condom and who doesn’t. Well, I decided to call the Pope and get this sorted out. Below is a transcript of our conversation:

Hello. Is this the Pope?

Yes. This is the Pope. Who is this?

This is Dominick Washington. I just started a blog called Passionately Indifferent and I am working on a post about your recent pronouncements about condoms. Do you have a few minutes for a conversation?

How did you get this number?

I got it from God. I have a personal relationship with him. Called him up and he gave me your digits. He also says you owe him fifty bucks. Did you borrow money from God?

No, we wagered on “Dancing with the Stars.” I thought Bristol was a lock.

Do you wager with God often?

Depends on your definition of ‘often’.

OK. Well, do you ever win?

Ah, no.

Maybe there’s a lesson in that for you?

I’m sorry, did you call to give me gambling advice or talk about my recent pronouncements on condoms?

Condoms. Sorry. Anyway, you used to be so anti-condom. Why the change in heart?

Look. I still think condoms are bogus, but I think that in some cases they could be used as a first step in the direction of a moralization.

What the hell does that even mean?

OK. Let’s say I’m a male prostitute and I have the AIDS. Now, the Pope would rather I not have sex at all, but it’s my job. No sex. No food. But I also don’t want to spread my AIDS around, but the Pope says no condoms. I’m already having sex when the Pope says I shouldn’t, I don’t want to make things worse for myself by wearing a condom.

Uh, OK.

Well, I want that male prostitute to know that it’s OK to wear a condom. I don’t want him spreading his AIDS. If he takes an affirmative step to protecting others from his sickness it will ultimately lead him on a path to a wife, children – many, many children – and a life in the suburbs. Condoms are the first step toward the moral life.

But only for male prostitutes?

No, no, no. Girl prostitutes and transsexual prostitutes, too.

Trannies, too?!

Yes, my son. Trannies, too.

But, in your mind, only prostitutes with AIDS are allowed to use condoms. Is that right?

No.

So, everyone can use condoms?

No.

OK. Who can use condoms?

Well, as we have discussed already discussed, prostitutes – male, female and she-male – who have the AIDS or some other nasty venereal disease can use condoms.

Right. Who else?

The cast of the Jersey Shore.

Really?! Because they have sexually transmitted infections?

No. Because none of them should be allowed to reproduce. Except Snooki. I think we can all agree that we need more Snooki in our life. Am I right?!

Sure. But wait, you’re saying that in addition to preventing the spread of disease you are condoning the use of condoms to prevent people from reproducing. That’s a major shift in Catholic theology.