It's All Relevant

She feels safe and protected. Whereas some might view the bars of a cage as being confining, she sees them as a barrier constructed to keep out all of the negative and destructive influences of the world. Her cage is a cocoon in which she nestles as if in a warm blanket on a cold night.

Her needs are anticipated and taken care of. How wonderful to think of the one who possesses her as thinking ahead to all of the things she might need to make her healthy and happy…and then making sure those things are all readily available when she needs them.

She is no longer responsible for making endless decisions. As part of the outside world, she is bombarded constantly with the need to make decisions… some small and some of life-altering proportions. Within the confines of her cage, she need only worry about singing her song and with that voice letting her Master know she is content to live within his power and control because she knows He thinks only of her well-being.

Being owned means also being chosen above all others. And that sense of belonging to one who really wants her is a powerful feeling not easily replaced. Having his pick of all the singing birds in the land, her Master selected her to place within His home…and His heart. She feels honored to be so chosen and sings freely to show her devotion.

Freedom is a relative term meaning different things to different people. To this bird of song, true freedom to pursue her dreams and desires could never be found outside of her captivity…captive in a home specially prepared for her by the one who considers her His greatest possession. Her captivity by Him sets her free.

I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding. ― Anaïs Nin

Tracing fingertips, a tender kiss, a contented sigh. Is this the act of a Dominant? Absolutely. Affection and care are hallmarks of Dominance every bit as much as bondage, spanking, challenges, and commands. Dominance and submission is not simply authority and compliance, command and obedience. It is a bond of mutual respect and adoration. Affection is a fundamental element of a D/s relationship and indeed, when combined with trust, is the bedrock on which the darker pleasures and interactions are built.

There seems to be a pervasive misunderstanding that to be Dominant one must appear overtly authoritarian, gruff, emotionally impenetrable, and fortress-like. Nothing could be further from the truth. The respect and trust that must necessarily be earned in order for a submissive to bare and surrender their heart, mind, body, and soul come from a combination of emotional accessibility on the part of a Dominant, combined with a level of power, balance, and control.

To be worthy of submission, a Dominant must be successful in their own right. This does not mean having a high net worth or achieving financial success. What I am referring to is a level of success and mastery of their own lives such as they are. Rich or poor, highly educated or streetwise, professional or laborer, for a Dominant to be considered a Master they must have some mastery of their own circumstances. Whether it is at work, in volunteerism, at home or a hobby, there should be mastery of some sort; having shown the dedication and integrity necessary to be very good at something. They must also have control over their own lives and how they care for themselves and those around them. But this is only part of the equation.

A potential Dominant may be successful in their own rite and worthy of respect for the way in which they conduct their lives, but still not be worthy of submission. For a submissive to desire to give themselves to another, they must not only sense dominance and mastery but also emotional accessibility and security. They need to feel not only desired but also loved, cared for, protected and above all respected. It is the combination of power and control, mastery and achievement, love and affection, acceptance and desire, trust and security, that allow a submissive to open themselves fully to their Dominant and fall into them completely. To be a truly effective Dominant, one must successfully strike the balance between all of these traits. Lose that balance and there will be tension in the D/s bond.

My Muse and I baffle people who encounter us. We don’t add up. They cannot figure us out and their heads seem to hurt when they try. It is actually amusing to watch. When we are out in public there are no overt signs that we share a relationship as Dominant and submissive but yet there is something in our interaction with one another that people cannot quite put their finger on. The first thing they notice of course is our age difference, followed by the obvious fact that we are not a couple who live together, and yet we are intimately affectionate with one another. We touch and make a lot of eye contact, we laugh easily and tease one another. Yet there is an underlying dynamic between us of respect and dominance, authority and deference that doesn’t quite compute to those who do not recognize or identify with the underlying D/s foundation. So while our relationship is noticeably different and the vanilla folk we encounter cannot quite put their finger on it, one thing that is often remarked upon is that we seem to be very happy. And we are.

The thing that stands out to others as a hallmark of our interaction is the very obvious and overt level of care and affection we have for one another and openly display. And for good reason, it is the underpinning of our relationship. The fact that we share this deeply intimate emotional bond that manifests itself overtly as affection is in large part the very foundation that allows us to go behind closed doors and act out the darker parts of our bond; bondage, service, challenge, and kink. It is the Yin and the Yang that is us. We cannot have one without the other in proper balance. Fire and water, darkness and light.

So is affection a hallmark of successful and competent Dominants? I absolutely argue that it is and cannot fathom achieving the sort of bond that allows me to express my darker dominant side without it.

This was a few years ago, in my baby sub days. I had been kind of bratty in past relationships, but this Dom was not one to tolerate it. I worried he wouldn’t like me. But it turns out that he was right about me. I had always been bratty because I had a deep need for structure that had never been met. I was bratty because I was clawing for boundaries that weren’t there. I teased because it felt like the only way to be thrown down and ravaged. I intentionally broke rules because it felt like the only way I’d feel that tight control closing in on me. I wasn’t a brat; I was a submissive who craved deep and unrelenting dominance. Ownership.

Now that I understand what I need, I can mostly quell those bratty impulses. When I need to feel my Dominant’s control, I say so in a metatalk. I ask how I can serve. I ask permission for things (and sometimes hope for a “no”). I give my Dominant opportunities to lead. I find ways to feel those firm boundaries within my role, rather than stepping out of it.

But part of me thinks there is still value in brattiness—not in outright disobedience, but maybe in close calls. You approach the electrified fence. You hear the hum. You use something to test it. Maybe you get a quick zap, just to know it’s there and working. But you don’t barrel through the fence. Gently testing the boundaries can be a comforting reminder that they are there and strong. You are submitting to something, not just making it up in your head. A little brattiness can also signal confidence in the dynamic. It’s only when you know the leash is there that you can tug on it a little.

That’s the key—a little. There’s a rush of connection from being put back in your place, but it wears off. And then you’re left in a worse place than when you started. It can be tempting to push the boundaries, especially when you desperately need to feel them. But brattiness is not giving your Dominant opportunities to lead. You cannot disobey your way to firm boundaries and deep ownership. Playfulness is one thing, but intentional disobedience is toxic to the dynamic. Instead, you lean in. You ask permission. You have open, honest conversations about what you need and what is missing. Brattiness may make a spark, but it’s rarely enough to build a fire.

It has taken me some time to figure it out. But no, I’m not a brat. I like to say that I’m a good girl…96.2% of the time.

Sometimes we lie because it’s easier than telling the truth. Sometimes we lie because we need to forget. Sometimes we lie because you don’t want to tell her she looks fat in those jeans. Sometimes we lie because fantasy is better than reality. Sometimes we lie because it’s too painful, to tell the truth. Sometimes we lie because we think it’s the truth. Sometimes we lie because it’s faster to do so. Sometimes we lie because you need to get out of something. Sometimes we lie because life can’t wait. Sometimes we lie because pain is not an option. Sometimes we lie because there is nothing better to do. Sometimes we lie because we need to turn attention away from ourselves. Sometimes we lie because we don’t know what else to do. Sometimes we lie because we don’t want to tell children there isn’t a Santa Claus. Sometimes we lie because it gives us a laugh. Sometimes we lie because sarcasm gives emphasis. Sometimes we lie because we need to prove a point. Sometimes we lie because everyone needs a break once in a while. Sometimes we lie because an alibi is needed. Sometimes we lie because a surprise is being planned. Sometimes we lie because we could lose money. Sometimes we lie because we want to keep a friend. Sometimes we lie because we are instructed to. Sometimes we lie because money is offered. Sometimes we lie because revenge is sweet. Sometimes we lie because we would like to hurt someone emotionally. Sometimes we lie because agreeing is easier than debating. Sometimes we lie because we are scared. And rarely do we ever tell the truth.

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident

The notion of a submissive worshiping her Dominant in this way is quite foreign to anyone who has not experienced the power and attraction of a loving D/s relationship. Even naturally submissive women can find the overpowering need to please and worship their Dominant in this most intimate of ways to be at first perplexing and out of character with their prior experience. This shift can partly be explained by the fact that the competent Dominant inspires and leads a submissive to give as opposed to taking from them. A submissive in a loving D/s relationship rarely feels taken from or taken advantage of but instead possesses an unquenchable thirst to give, to please, and be pleasing. They feel whole and complete when fulfilling the needs and desires of their Dominant just as a Dominant feels whole and complete in fulfilling the needs of their submissive through strength, structure, and devotion. To the vanilla observer, this dynamic makes no sense whatsoever. It appears lopsided, as though it could only be the product of weak personalities or brainwashing. To the D/s partners of strong character and will, pleasing and fulfilling one another in this and many other ways are the very essence of their existence. No brainwashing required. thank you.

Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”