2013 HAD ITS SURPRISES

Stop reading if you don’t want to know what happens next. By next, I mean this year. I already know and I’m willing to share.

For those who prefer 2013 remains a mystery, I’ve put together some lovely tennis results on page D11. You’re welcome.

Now that we’ve settled that, we have 365 days to plow through, or at least the highlights.

Surprisingly, it didn’t take 1.21 gigawatts of electrical power to see the future. No, I was merely hopped up on Mountain Dew and Cheez-Its.

Imagine if Nostradamus had Mountain Dew and Cheez-Its. Do you think he would have foretold a song/dance where you pretend to ride an invisible horse while shouting, “Hey, sexy lady,” would take over the world? Read the last sentence aloud. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? Not one of our finest moments, Planet Earth.

Without further ado, cheers to 2013, what a year it was.

January

7Notre Dame wins its ninth national championship — its first BCS title — of the post-1936 poll era by beating Alabama 27-17 in a matchup for the ages. NBC announces coach Brian Kelly will replace Jay Leno as host of “The Tonight Show” and all 2013 Fighting Irish home games will be televised in primetime, Thursday nights opposite CBS’ “The Big Bang Theory.”

8Commissioner Gary Bettman cancels the NHL season when talks with the players union break down yet again. The Big East immediately offers membership to the New York Rangers, New Jersey Devils, Boston Bruins, Philadelphia Flyers and Los Angeles Kings. The addition of the Stanley Cup champion Kings keeps San Diego State from following Boise State back to the Mountain West.

9Baseball Writers’ Association of America members elect Barry Bonds, Craig Biggio, Tim Raines and Jack Morris to the Hall of Fame. After realizing Bonds’ head can’t possibly fit on the standard Hall of Fame plaque, the BBWAA rescinds its vote.

28During his state of the league address, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announces South Carolina sophomore defensive end Jadeveon Clowney will be suspended four games and fined $50,000 once he’s drafted by an NFL team for Clowney’s monster hit on Michigan running back Vincent Smith.

February

3The 49ers win their sixth Lombardi Trophy by beating the Patriots 31-28 in Super Bowl XLVII. The loss drops Tom Brady’s record in Super Bowls to 0-3 without kicker Adam Vinatieri, forever cementing Brady as Art Garfunkel to Vinatieri’s Paul Simon. For those of you under 30, replace Garfunkel with the rest of *NSYNC and Simon with Justin Timberlake.

March

1Congress refuses to raise the federal debt ceiling, but crisis is averted when the Los Angeles Dodgers offer to take over payments while Democrats and Republicans work on a deal.

19The World Baseball Classic … wait, what were we talking about? I dosed off.

21 A No. 16 seed finally upsets a No. 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament. Maybe the Dew isn’t mixing so well with the Cheez-Its.

April

6Michigan, Indiana, Syracuse and Butler make the men’s Final Four in Atlanta. A week earlier, Steve Fisher’s Aztecs find out the Orange are just as tough on land in a heartbreaking Elite Eight loss.

14Tiger Woods wins his fifth green jacket, besting Rory McIlroy on the final hole. Woods gives Jim Nantz an interview unlike any other, when he unleashes all seven of George Carlin’s words you can’t say on television, causing CBS to abruptly cut to commercial.

May

4Floyd Mayweather suffers the first defeat of his professional career at the hands of WBC interim welterweight champion Robert Guerrero. To ease the pain, he exits the ring at the MGM Grand, walks onto the casino floor, finds the first roulette table and places $500,000 on black.

June

23The Los Angeles Clippers beat the New York Knicks 106-105 on a Jamal Crawford three at the buzzer to win the NBA Finals in seven games. Snow chains are advised in Hades.

July

4Kanye West and Kim Kardashian celebrate the birth of their first child with a media blitz never seen before. Flash forward thirty years, America West shuns the spotlight. She prefers quiet nights at home, preparing lesson plans for the kindergarten class she teaches.

August

15With a deal finally in place, the Rangers, Devils, Briuns, Flyers and Kings return to the NHL. The Big East extends offers to the University of Phoenix and ITT Technical Institute.

September

7The IOC selects Madrid as the host city for the 2020 Summer Olympics. Istanbul and Tokyo celebrate not having to throw away any more money.

9ESPN mandates all on-air personalities have to scream simultaneously at each other, include “Tim Tebow,” “Miami Heat” or “NFL” at least once per sentence and wear Champions League jerseys. Ratings soar.

October

31Stephen Strasburg one-hits the Los Angeles Angels in Game 7 of the World Series. The Los Angeles Dodgers offer the Washington Nationals $1 billion dollars for the championship.

November

24The Toronto Argonauts repeat, winning the 101st Grey Cup. Americans are shocked to learn Canada has its own professional football league.

December

7The final BCS Championship game is set: Heisman runner-up Johnny Manziel will lead Texas A&M against Heisman winner Braxton Miller and Ohio State. The SEC petitions the U.S. Supreme Court for an injuction, claiming the BCS unconstitutional.

25Only a few months from retirement, NBA Commissioner David Stern removes Chris Paul from the champion Clippers, and places him on the Lakers. He then institutes sweeping rule changes, including the use of a rugby-like ball and an MTV Rock N’ Jock-like 25-point shot. When asked why he would do such things, he responds, “Because I can. I’m David Flippin’ Stern.”