An Important Message from Mitt Romney (as imagined by Neal Starkman)

Someone once said that truth was the sharpest arrow in the quiver. I think it might have been the Green Arrow. I love the Green Arrow. And others of the Justice League, too—not just him. But now I want to deliver a message of truth, straight from my heart, because, my friends, truth is important. It’s right up there with freedom and an unencumbered free market. And the first true thing I’m going to say is this: My advisors tell me that only something this dramatic will enable me to get enough votes to swing the electoral college in my favor and become your leader for at least the next four years. Actually, my advisors suggested that I kiss Paul Ryan on the lips and with the tongue, but I didn’t even do that kind of thing when I was younger, and besides, in point of fact, I thought it might cost me some votes. So I said no, even though Paul had already agreed. He’s a good man, Paul Ryan, and he’s going to make a splendid Vice President.

Now that I have that off my chest, let me continue with several more truthful things.

First, I like having a lot of money. And when you have as much money as I do, you can do whatever you want: buy houses you don’t live in, buy cars you don’t drive, buy food you don’t eat, buy airplanes to take you to places you don’t care about. My friends, it’s the best thing in the world; I never get tired of it. And because of my wealth, people do whatever I tell them, because I pay them. You should try it; it’s really something quite marvelous.

So, okay, I like having a lot of money, and obviously I like telling people what to do. Honestly—and here’s where the truth comes in—that’s why I want to be president. I don’t care all that much about Libya or the environment or even the deficit. I mean, sure, who doesn’t want world peace and happy nuclear families, secure in their work and their faith, but I mainly like to run things and make more money. Isn’t that about the most truthful thing you’ve ever heard from a candidate for President?

Next, all this hoopla about my saying that 47% of the people in the U.S. were moochers: Of course I meant it! Look, we have a great system in this country, where if you commit yourself to your job, as I have, you can become wealthy. Most people don’t do that. Maybe they’re lazy, maybe they’re not very competent, maybe they’re a denizen of the inner city, if you know what I mean. But it’s their choice, by and large. So if they don’t make as much money as the next person, they have only themselves to blame! And the government—by the government, I mean those of us who pay taxes—shouldn’t have to bail them out. That doesn’t make any sense, does it? If you work hard, why should you pay someone who doesn’t work hard? I’ve never understood why some people think that cutting off welfare is “un-American.” It’s as American as the flag, for Pete’s sake.

On the contrary, people like me, who create jobs—and let me tell you, I’ve created millions (Paul Ryan’s a numbers guy, and he says billions)—of jobs, people like me should get every financial benefit the government can afford, and then some. Why? Because we take that money and put a good deal of it right back into the economy. All the good citizens and others who gas up my cars and clean my pools and polish my jets and take my jeans to the cleaners—why, they have dinner on their tables and can provide for their families because of me. How many of you can say that? How many jobs has my opponent, President Obama, created? He’s spent his adult life organizing groups! I can do that at a church social, ha-ha. That was meant to be of a humorous nature.

More honesty: As long as I can remember, people have accused me of being wishy-washy—saying something one day and then the opposite on the next day, or even the next hour, or sometimes half-hour. Well, as Steve Martin would say—I love Steve Martin—“Excu-u-u-se me!” It’s a politician’s job to build alliances, especially alliances with people from other parties and with other philosophies. And how can you do that if people have you pigeonholed? The answer is you can’t. So I’m proud—more truth here—I’m proud of being wishy-washy, if that’s what you want to call it. It means only that I’m trying to make friends. If getting an endorsement from both a Catholic priest and an abortion doctor is wishy-washy, then so be it. That’s two votes my opponent won’t get.

What else . . . this truth stuff is pretty energizing. It’s like the buzz some people tell me they get from drinking a café latte, non-decaf. Okay, let me tell you about my taxes. That’s all I hear about sometimes—why won’t he tell us about his taxes. You’ll probably be disappointed when I tell you about them.

I have done everything I can to make and keep lots of money. I hired people who know about this, and they had me do things I’d never even heard about before, and I’m a businessman, as you know; I’ve been a successful businessman for many years. It’s too complicated to go into, but I have more money in different places than my friend, Joe Biden, has teeth whitener, or my other friend, House Speaker Boehner, has, you know, whatever he uses to make his skin that orange color. By the way, he’s a great Speaker of the House, is John Boehner.

What was I saying . . . my taxes. Yes, I have money stored in countries Herman Cain has never heard of, and I pay proportionately little taxes. Why? So I can keep more money, of course! As a little orphan boy I met on the campaign trail in Cleveland, I think it was, said, “Duh. Of course, Governor Romney.” I didn’t cheat. I just took advantage of the existing tax laws. But I knew it would look bad, so I didn’t show everyone. Now I can do it, with this new truth thing I’m telling you about. You know that five-point plan I’m always mentioning, the plan to get America back on its feet again? It’s mainly a plan to make me more money. Really. That’s the truth.

I know that some of you think I have all kinds of skeletons in my closet, but honestly, I haven’t done anything bad since I did all those things in college to gay kids and the rest of the sissies, and, okay, when I was in France doing missionary work, occasionally I may have dressed up in alternative clothing, and yes, I do occasionally wear lipstick, but it’s only because it helps my lips stay moist. But there aren’t any big affairs or drunken parties or anything like that in my past. I’m being honest now. I’m not like those Hollywood stars you read about, though don’t get me wrong, I love movies. And theater. Theater is wonderful.

So I think that’s about it. I love money and power, I like taking different stands on issues, and I think most of you really don’t deserve any more money than you currently have. I’m talking truth here, which is something my opponent won’t do. When was the last time you heard President Obama talk about his affection for money—or, for that matter, lipstick? That’s right, never. He’s never talked about it.

I want to leave you with a request and a quote. The request is that you please vote for me now because I speak the truth, and what you see right now is what you’ll get for right now. And the quote is from one of my heroes, Martin Luther King, Jr., a famous African-American orator. He said—I think he was the one who said this—he said that “The truth will set you free.” And that’s what I hope will happen as a result of this message.