What If My Family Rejects Me? Part 1

Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse believe their family to be supportive and nurturing—until they talk about their abuse. They are surprised to be rejected, ignored, ostracized or even threatened with violence. Ron Schulz, Chris Kuhn and I (Christina Enevoldsen) discussed how we managed our feelings and boundaries after facing family rejection.

Christina: My father sexually abused me and traded me to other men. I repressed the memories for many years, but when I remembered the abuse and disclosed it, my mom pretended it didn’t happen and my father denied it. I was used to adjusting my behavior so nobody felt uncomfortable, so I accepted that we would pretend it never happened. We lived in superficial peace.

Many years later, my adult daughter reported her father (their former son-in-law, my ex-husband) for sexual abuse and everything changed. My mom called Bethany wicked and accused her of destroying the family. My dad justified the abuse by saying, “Bethany isn’t perfect—she’s shacking up with a guy.” They threatened her and offered her a bribe to stay quiet. That opened my eyes and I saw how much of an abuser my dad still was and how much my mother protected him. My daughter and I decided not to expose ourselves to any more abuse and cut off contact with them once they refused to acknowledge any wrong-doing.

Ron: Somewhere around the age of twelve, I was sexually initiated by my older brother. His abuse continued until he graduated high school and went off to college. When I turned twenty-one, my brother died in his apartment mysteriously from a cerebral hemorrhage. After he died, I exposed him, reporting his predatory behavior to the family, however, my family was not pleased. I was ostracized, and later, one of my brothers (who later it would be revealed was also abused) threatened me with violence if I did not stop talking about it.

Chris: My abuser was the adult son of my mom’s best friend, who also happened to be my piano teacher. The teacher’s house was supposed to be a place of safety, but her son routinely waylaid me on my way out after each lesson. The interactions escalated through the course of my tenth year. Toward the end of this period he felt comfortable enough to abuse me in my own home, too. Eight years later I told my mother all about it. At that point I was eighteen and she was somewhere in her forties. She denied that what I was telling her could possibly have happened. “No, Chris. That couldn’t have happened,” were her exact words. It would be another six years till we spoke about it again, briefly. To this day, twenty-eight years later, although I know she’s horrified, she hasn’t asked for any details at all. I love my mother, but this constitutes a painful gap in our relationship.

Christina: It’s very common for families to reject rather than support the survivor. Sometimes parents reject the possibility that their child was abused because to accept the truth is too painful. Sometimes the disclosure brings up pain from their own abuse. They might also feel threatened—viewing it as an accusation that they aren’t good parents for failing to protect their child.

Many victims of sexual abuse are abused by family members. In that case, there may be divided loyalties. The survivor’s family may resist the truth because they don’t want to choose sides. The effect is that they do choose sides—the abuser’s.

In incest families the family system has a culture that protects itself by keeping the secret. They will sacrifice one member for the sake of the system. The person who wants change is often viewed as the enemy.

Ron: I think it is of merit to note the distinct advantages and disadvantages between survivors being raised in non-incestuous and those raised in incestuous ones. Since I belong to the latter class, I can say that one of the hallmarks of type is refusal to validate and foster the health state of the emotional lives of its members, with disastrous results.

Because the incestuous family system is so mired in its own shame, it does not even recognize that its members’ emotional needs exist, and so as a result the subjects of these systems are strangled emotionally at a very young age, and never given the opportunity to learn within its aegis how to defend themselves against offensive behaviors mounted against them. I know this was the case for me, and how it contributed to my own deep seated self-loathing, which I carried with me for many, many years, even into recovery.

Chris: At the time of my mom’s denial, her hurtful response helped to “jail” me. There’s no doubt I’m only liberating myself now, decades later. But what is even clearer is that the door out of this so-called jail is not the same one I came in through. The architecture of the whole building has changed. I cannot leave via some new response from my mom, the response I hoped she’d have given back then. Who knows why she reacted that way. I cannot judge her, even though there are still times that I’m angry that she didn’t (want to) believe me.

Christina: We can’t always know why our family fails to believe, comfort, and support us. Even knowing why doesn’t really solve anything. They can’t undo the harm that was done to us. With or without our family’s support, it’s still up to us to heal.

Chris: I told my brother about my abuse a few months ago. For thirty years he’d had no idea. He was shocked, of course, stunned. Then he said, innocently, “Well, when you’re all better, we can talk about it some more.” It’s very easy, as a survivor, to get mad and feel hurt in such situations. It’s all too easy, in fact, to misread his concern and discomfort about what happened to me as a rejection of me. The real message, though, is that he cares and that he is fearful of saying the wrong thing (thereby immediately saying the wrong thing).

I’m not suggesting it’s like this in all families or all conversations. Surely many if not most families really do shun surviving members, and that is never the survivor’s fault and it’s often a tragedy. But there is room for us survivors to look at and to be conscious of how we receive communication from our families and to ask ourselves about the intention of our mostly-ignorant interlocutors rather than fixate on what actually comes out of their mouths. Words are spoken and then they are heard. The same is true of silence.

Christina: Our family may blatantly reject us in a way that is abusive, but sometimes the rejection is out of insensitivity, fear, and ignorance. They may cause us pain, though they don’t intend to. In the early stages of healing we are very sensitive to other’s reactions. Because we haven’t developed the security in ourselves yet, so much weight is put upon others to respond ‘correctly’. If they don’t provide the response we need, we feel rejected.

When we’re in so much pain, it’s often difficult to remember that others have needs, too. People are their own persons, though we sometimes reduce them merely to the role they play in our lives—or rather the role we want them to play in our lives. That doesn’t make them the enemy for protecting themselves. And it doesn’t make them bad people.

Chris: To some extent I did become my brother’s enemy when I told him about what happened to me. I took his conception of the world and our childhood and shattered it. I transferred some of my burden onto him. I brought my abuse out and said now you have to help me carry this. That’s not my fault. It isn’t his either. It’s life. It is difficult. I can know these things and not be ashamed of them.

But, as we talk about the children in our surviving adult personas—as we try to liberate ourselves from the repressive jails our families built for us—perhaps we ought to think also about the children in the adult personas of those whom we are now asking to help us and suffer with us. It’s delusional to think our inner kids are repressed but theirs are free. They are not. Other experiences have made their inner children captive also. Different reasons, different degrees.

Ron: I’ve found it very beneficial to my own health to not raise myself up by tearing others down. I no longer have a need to do that, and in that regard, I am back at the wheel.

Christina: Ron, that’s a great point. When we get hurt, we have a tendency to judge the other person’s actions as wrong. But we don’t have to label them “bad” to justify setting boundaries. If we have a family member who is hurts us, however innocently, we still have ‘permission’ to withdraw. Sometimes we don’t feel comfortable walking away from a family member or family system unless we can ‘prove’ how offensive they are. Yet the truth is, we can walk away at any time. As you said, we are at the wheel.

It’s difficult to evaluate a situation while we’re in pain, so backing off is needed to see the truth. Those boundaries provide us with a sense of our own control and safety while we assess our feelings and find clarity. Healing is extremely difficult without that. Often, it’s an old wound we are reacting to and we will continue to be sensitive until the original pain is healed. Boundaries enable us to do that.

Learning those boundaries in my own life has helped me recognize other’s boundaries. Just as I can choose to separate from them even if they haven’t done anything wrong, they can do the same with me.

I have friends who have responded to my disclosure by backing off. There’s something about my information that feels threatening to them and withdrawal is a natural response. I don’t take it personally; I recognize it as self-protection. I completely support that, the same way I support my need to withdraw from any real or perceived harm.

Chris: The simplification of a world into us and them, into survivors and non-survivors, into perps and victims, makes me uncomfortable. Life is not static like that. When we pretend it is, I feel we’re really saying we’re done living, done fighting, done surviving. At that point, all we really want to do is fondle simple answers and gloat about how good it feels—we pretend, in other words, to alleviate our pain. But it seems to me more like a rejection of our pain, which is different…and not a viable survivor strategy.

Christina: I agree. That view of “us and them” is useful when we’re in survival mode, but as we regain our personal power, we don’t have that same need for such black and white thinking. Yet in the early stages of healing, it’s a very useful tool. In survival mode, we are in constant fear. Everything and everyone is a potential threat. I think it’s very helpful to set boundaries very high and very far out, to the point that it may seem unreasonable to others. However, it’s not healthy to live there.

As I worked through my anger, I got to the place where I didn’t see my abusers as all bad anymore. I was able to see the good qualities without losing sight of the bad ones. That’s when it got really painful. The anger protected me in some ways from acknowledging the pain. It created a useful boundary that helped me for a time until I was ready to go on to the next stage in healing.

Just because I recognized good qualities in my abusive parents didn’t mean I reconciled with them—I’m not hopeful that reconciliation will happen. But stepping back allowed me so see things clearly, which affirmed my decision to separate.

Ron: Until I resolved the anger and resentment that accumulated through years of reinforced shame I was destined to repeat the cycle of self-blame for failing to yield to their demands that I not ‘rock the boat’. One day, though, I realized that I could never honor that request, and it dawned on me that I had a choice: that I could remain affiliated and continue their denial and refusal to address the issues, thus remain complicit in their attempt to suffocate me by degrees, or I could step away and salvage whatever was left of my life.

I am not saying that I have ruled out the possibility of future interactions, but for now, I cannot condone their need to avoid the pain of growth, and so I have chosen to remove myself from the situation for now.

Chris: Ron, “It dawned on me that I had a choice”: your words are pivotal. I sometimes wish we had a different name for “survivor”—maybe “chooser”?—something that tips the balance of this chapter in our lives always forward. Each situation requires ongoing choices from us, different responses at different times and so on. The common thread is this idea that we are back at the wheel.

Christina: Yes, the bottom line is that we have a choice. We aren’t those vulnerable children anymore, dependent upon others for survival. We don’t have to continue to allow our relationships to be defined by others. We can choose what type of relationship to have with family members and if they don’t want the same thing, we can opt out. We don’t have to label them “bad” to separate from them and if we choose to separate that doesn’t make us bad. Our abuse invalidated our power to choose, but recovery includes taking back that power.

what a great blog, as i was reading it many random thoughts popped into my head, mainly yeah i aint done that yet or i have done that but what really struck me is how far the three of you have travelled so far. my journey has taken the long route, mainly down to my refusal to see that i can change, i can do what is needed to not be my family and pass on their ways. helped because i had done alot of work in survival mode and gained the mental insights that you all speak of. yet being a parent has opened up a whole can of worms that i havent really dipped into yet. the good news is that i have made the 1st step in sorting out the last daily intrusions into my present life, i made the appointment with my doc, did what he requested by the next day and have been back and discussed what i had written, not spoken, about. he has sent my letter to the appropiate people he thinks maybe able to offer me some options in moving forward in the box that is my like till i was 7 yrs old, it because of the insights i have gained from people like the three of you that has helped me make this blind leap. i have the mental cogs in place now i have to find the causes of the behaviour so i can alter the reactions now. thank you all so much

Lora, That’s a great way to summarize it, “family support or no support does not denounce what you survived.” That’s SO true! We give our family so much power. So many survivors act as though our abuse needs to be verified and empathized with by our families to move on. But we need to do that for ourselves anyway, no matter if the whole world stood with us. We are so accustomed to thinking like we did as children when everything was dependant on our family’s support. I still thought of myself as a vulnerable six year old for much of my adult life because the abuse and neglect made me stuck. It wasn’t until I understood how empowered I actually am that I could be free to have healthy relationships or to walk away from the unhealthy ones. Thank you so much for adding that! Hugs, Christina

Carol, It’s so exciting that so many things are clicking in place for you and that so many improvements are taking place in your life as a result. I love what you said, ” I can do what is needed to not be my family and pass on their ways”. That’s a major benefit to healing. It not only frees us, but our children. When I broke free of unhealthy patterns and relationships, it was so much easier for my children to do so. I had already modeled such sick behavior to my kids, but modeling healthy behavior influences them, too. That just adds to the reasons to celebrate your progress! Hugs, Christina

Ron, I love that statement! “Family of Origin: Just because “it” started there, does not mean “it” has to end there.” YES! Our physical life may have started with them, but sometimes to live our life, we have to separate in whole or in part. The ‘gift’ of life is no gift if we are not free to choose how to use it.

I can so relate to everything you said as well as everyone else. I have never endured physical or sexual abuse, but I have endured emotional/psychological abuse huge!

“The survivor’s family may resist the truth because they don’t want to choose sides. The effect is that they do choose sides—the abuser’s.”

This statement hit me huge. I ‘came out’ in full with everyone in my family, really for the first time about my mother’s abuse via e-mail about three weeks ago. I was told by my sisters that they, ” … don’t want to hear anymore of my crap.” They said that they felt like I was trying to get them to choose sides (of which was never implied or stated nor intended in the letter. I even reread my letter to make sure I didn’t give that impression and there is no indication of what they read into it.) They said that they don’t want to choose sides, but little do they know, that just stating that says they chose her side. My mother singled me out from when I was quite little and the abuse slowly escalated, becoming worse and worse, and more and more severe and way more frequent. In the end I felt outright hated by my mother. I have not had my mother in my life now for over 10 years. My painful truth that this ‘treatment’ was not normal is when this popped into my head after she humiliated me in my home at my son’s birthday party (leaving me in tears yet again): “No matter how much you do and no matter what you say, you cannot make her love you.” My heart sank even deeper.

I am working through so much pain right now. I didn’t expect my siblings to take sides at all – I didn’t even expect sympathy, but I was hoping for some level of understanding which I did not get. A friend of mine told me today that I should contact the one sister I was close to and I told her that I’m not ready to do that. It’s too weird now knowing how she really feels about my ‘coming out’ with full story. Now that I really know how they feel about me and the abuse, I think distancing myself for awhile would be a wise and healthy thing until I know what to do.

I loved this post in that it gives me great comfort in knowing that if I’m not ready to engage in a fake relationship – then I don’t have to. My sisters expect me to have relationship with them, as long as I don’t talk about our mother or the abuse, to have a good time with them pretending like nothing is wrong. I told them that I cannot pretend. Maybe they can, but I can’t. This post was most empowering for me – and it was a God-send in that my coming clean showed my sibling’s true colours. I now know what they really think and its so nice for me not to feel like I have to walk on eggshells around everyone when I’m with them. And I don’t have to hear their snide remarks like, “Some people should just get over it.” Grrrr.

Thank you so much for this post … I could almost cry because of how it makes me feel so emancipated! It confirms again that I don’t have to do things anymore to make others happy … what about my happiness?? I have recently come to realize that my happiness is also important. It’s not my job to fix what’s broken in our family. It’s not my job to make sure everyone else is happy. Emancipation is a wonderful thing to experience!

God bless you all for choosing to NOT be quiet … for choosing to be light for us who are desperately trying to struggle our way to recovering from the effects of abusive people!

Sorry this is so long … but I really hope this communicates how grateful I am for folks like you guys – your words are a healing balm even to this soul! Keep doing what you do!

Amaryllis, I’m so delighted to know how helpful this blog is to you! This comment of yours made my cry, “I loved this post in that it gives me great comfort in knowing that if I’m not ready to engage in a fake relationship – then I don’t have to. My sisters expect me to have relationship with them, as long as I don’t talk about our mother or the abuse, to have a good time with them pretending like nothing is wrong. I told them that I cannot pretend. Maybe they can, but I can’t. This post was most empowering for me…” I’m so grateful to be able to share things that empower others. Thank you so much for sharing this! Hugs, Christina

hi christina, yep seems like i had stalled becasue i couldnt see how to get ovr some of the family barriers yet reading OSA and darlenes EFB has helped me lots. it gave my head somethings to sort out, accept that it was ok to let go of the relationships that aint workin n not feel guilty about puttin my thoughts n feeling 1st. so yeah im lookin out for myself a bit more now. strange really

My family totally rejected and disowned me when they realised I was seeking to escape the family home and no longer be their personal punch bags. I was the family member sacrificed to keep the incest secret. But I choose to be quiet no more and to get my life back somehow!!

I found this site after being told by my mother that, “They were having a 60th Anniversary party but I didn’t need to come because I would just be uncomfortable.” Reading that others have experienced the same situations makes me feel less alone. Thanks to all those that have shared.

Kelly, I’m sorry for how your mother treated you, but I’m glad you know you’re not alone in this. My mother’s rejection really took me by surprise. I had this idea that I came from a loving family so I wasn’t prepared for that at all. When I looked back, I started to see our relationship for what it was. I saw that she was acting the way she always had. It’s been a painful journey to grieve what I never had, but I’m so glad to see the truth now and to be free of that sick system. Christina

I recently went through a devastating divorce, and somwhere along this road felt it was time to disclose repeated sexual abuse perpetrated my my mother’s father when I was just a small girl. No one believed me. My female family members insisted I was lying, or had been over-medicated due to major depression and that this caused false memories. This, of course, was not the case at all. Childhood friends knew all about it. I wasn’t medicated back then. I was told terrible things about myself, but the worst was that I had lied. What could possibly be my motive? People who may never have experienced childhood abuse may have no concept whatsoever about how debilitating and ruinous it truly is. It destroys trust in those who are adults and caretakers. Some say I should have kept my mouth shut. I didn’t, and now I feel even more depression and betrayal. My parents say I am living in the past…just get over it, and look toward the future. While part of that is valid advice, victims must go on somehow, total rejection of your child is not acceptable. Abuse is a shameful topic to most people. Sadly, my admission resulted in the total and complete alienation of my family. Right now, I do not know for sure if there is ever any healing from this kind of abuse. It’s bad enough to have to have gone through it, but then to be disbelieved and ostrocized is just as criminal as the abuse. Thankfully, I found this site, and it has offered some comfort. I pray every single day that someday I will feel better about this whole situation.

I always thought I was the only one who received this treatment from my family. For years, my tears would be received by what I perceived as stone cold faces. I was depressed for years. I also realized that in a way, I was a burden to my family. No one wanted to hear about it anymore, and yet they wanted to live on and stay in a relationship with my abuser without taking into account the fact of what happened. In many ways its tragic, and as a person who has been there, if you think about it too much it can drive you to a place you don’t want to go. At the same time, as the article said, the main thing that made a world of difference was my path of healing, I needed to heal myself, and because I have learned to cope in some ways, albeit not perfectly, a new sense of self-love and trust in myself has been born. There is hope, for all my fellow brother and sisters who had to share this very tragic experience with me. Of course, the scars always remain, and the pain is there, always lurking. & many people wont understand, not much people want to deal with it. Because no one knows how it feels if they didn’t experience it, much less understand how much victims need the support. But this experience has opened my heart to much self-compassion because I had to learn how to rely on myself, bring myself up while no one else could, and it made me realize that everybody is just struggling to love, that is to say, to love and accept themselves.

I don’t even know where to begin! After reading everything you have posted, I immediately knew this was my answer after 35 years + of family dysfunction! There was incest in my family. My sister who is 6 years young than I was actually physically abused. My abuse was verbal, though my dad tried. It has ripped our family apart. My sister has gone to counseling all her life. I went 2 years for marital problems but I figured it out basically for myself. I realized that my sister who is very strong willed, is exhibiting the same behavior my father did & that was a behavior of CONTROL. My mother died last year. She protected dad. My mother loved the Lord & everyone thought she was a saint, except me, the bad guy, the oldest child/daughter in the family. I would love to share with everyone the horrors that happened to me but one horror is still one that I have found that no one accepts, so I refuse to mention it. After mom’s passing, this has open the doors once again & I have realized my father, whom I love very much, will never stop his abuse. I see your last post was in 2010. Here it is 2016! I don’t know if there will be anyone to respond to this or if I will even get a reply. I have been ostracized from my family. It has been touch & go through the years when I would go home to visit, mostly not of my choice. When I would return I was always the bad guy. I saw & felt the hatred towards me because when this first started happening to me, I told! I had been brought up in a very Christian upbringing & I knew right from wrong. I feel everyone knows right from wrong, even if they weren’t raised in a Christian home. When I first when home to visit my sick & dying mom a few months before she passed, the minute my foot hit the front door I was once again lectured on how to behave, as if I were a child & had no dignity by both my sister & my dad. My sister & I started emailing & talking on the phone the past few days. I was happy at first but then an amazing thing started happening. At the moment, I couldn’t put my fingers on it, but my sister was disarming me! Even though she had been through worse things than I had & had the benefit of years of counseling, she would criticize me, tell me things I had done were wrong, actually tell lies about different things that had happened in the past between her & I, etc. She was invalidating my right as a human being so she could have control! Things started getting weird. I started crying. Then I started getting angry. Then I wrote & told her something is not right. Then I figured out what she was doing. I stayed up until 3:30 am writing her an email. I would erase it & though – forget it. I would re-write it & then erase it. Finally I was so mentally exhausted I though, I am either going to do this or forever hold my peace. I did it. I called out everything she was stating to me & what it was doing to me! I never thought an abused child who had something worse happen to her than did me would go on to abuse me!!!! She kept calling me names & telling me I was playing victim all these years & I never was trying to play victim. She told me she is sick of people who play victim! I called her out strongly in my email to her. I told her I WAS A VICTIM!!!! I told her she is the one playing victim if anyone. There is so much more I really want to share but it would be volumes of books. It honestly really didn’t hit me until today. My only child, my son, has been drug into this family deceit & I actually found out my sister played a major part in it! He never speaks to me or calls me. My heart is broken. He now has 3 children. I have to grandbabies to play with & love & protect. My sister is calling all the shots & telling him things I can’t even begin to imagine about me! They all live in one state & I live in another state 6 hours away from everyone else. I am not allowed to talk with my son one on one about issues that need to be discussed. My sister or dad has the benefit of interjecting for me & saying god knows what when relaying information between my son & myself! I know the ploys & tactics they use & have used on him for years! My sister is disarming, lying, & invalidating any good & right things I have done in the past & then she shames me. I am so glad I found your site after I sent that email to her. After all my years of stumbling in the dark & alone &/or not finding the resources I needed, I found yours. It is very refreshing to actually have a person write the words that I knew were right – that agreed with my heart. That took the very words out of my mouth. Then I realized that you all on this very site have been actual survivors! Only the people who have actually been there & lived this nightmare can relate to the severity of the pain involved. Thank you so much. I am now 59 years old. I realize I had started being ‘groomed’ for this abuse since birth but the actual verbal abuses started when I was in high school. It has continued all my life & only now have I filled in the blanks to my whys & questions. I truly believe this is a God send. Thank you for helping others who have been totally devastated by this.

“Her book explains confusing emotions in a clear and concise way that would normally take years of painful and slow therapeutic work to unravel. Her steps are like a brightly lit path out of darkness untangling confusing emotions while leading you quickly through to self discovery and healing.”

“… savoring every bit of it as it reveals more and more of the feelings I’ve had for a long time…The questions at the end of the chapters help me to put into words the feelings I’ve never been able to share with anyone.”

“This is an excellent book and workbook…Difficult concepts related to healing were clearly explained. The topics and questions are comprehensive and relevant…As someone who now works with others who have been abused I use this book to assist in their healing.”