Love experienced by familiesis also the joy of the Church. As theSynod Fathers noted, for all the many signs ofcrisis in the institution of marriage, athe desireto marry and form a family remains vibrant,especially among young people, and this is aninspiration to the Churcha.1 As a response tothat desire, athe Christian proclamation on thefamily is good news indeeda.22.a The Synod process allowed for an examination of the situation of families in todayasworld, and thus for a broader vision and a renewed awareness of the importance of marriageand the family. The complexity of the issuesthat arose revealed the need for continued opendiscussion of a number of doctrinal, moral,spiritual, and pastoral questions. The thinking ofpastors and theologians, if faithful to the Church,honest, realistic and creative, will help us toachieve greater clarity. The debates carried onin the media, in certain publications and evenamong the Churchas ministers, range from an1a Third Extraordinary General AssemblySynod of Bishops, Relatio Synodi (18 October 2014), 2.2a Fourteenth Ordinary General AssemblySynod of Bishops, Relatio Finalis (24 October 2015), 3.

of theof the

3

immoderate desire for total change without sufficient reflection or grounding, to an attitude thatwould solve everything by applying general rulesor deriving undue conclusions from particulartheological considerations.3.a Since atime is greater than spacea, I wouldmake it clear that not all discussions of doctrinal,moral or pastoral issues need to be settled byinterventions of the magisterium. Unity ofteaching and practice is certainly necessary in theChurch, but this does not preclude various waysof interpreting some aspects of that teaching ordrawing certain consequences from it. This willalways be the case as the Spirit guides us towardsthe entire truth (cf. Jn 16:13), until he leads usfully into the mystery of Christ and enables us tosee all things as he does. Each country or region,moreover, can seek solutions better suited to itsculture and sensitive to its traditions and localneeds. For acultures are in fact quite diverse andevery general principlea| needs to be inculturated,if it is to be respected and applieda.3a Concluding Address of the Fourteenth Ordinary GeneralAssembly of the Synod of Bishops (24 October 2015): LaOsservatoreRomano, 26-27 October 2015, p. 13; cf. Pontifical BiblicalCommission, Fede e cultura alla luce della Bibbia. Atti della sessioneplenaria 1979 della Pontificia Commissione Biblica, Turin, 1981;Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Pastoral Constitutionon the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et Spes, 44; JohnPaul II, Encyclical Letter Redemptoris Missio (7 December1990), 52: AAS 83 (1991), 300; Apostolic Exhortation EvangeliiGaudium (24 November 2013), 69, 117: AAS 105 (2013), 1049,1068-69.3

4

4.a I must also say that the Synod processproved both impressive and illuminating. I amgrateful for the many contributions that helpedme to appreciate more fully the problems facedby families throughout the world. The variousinterventions of the Synod Fathers, to which Ipaid close heed, made up, as it were, a multifaceted gem reflecting many legitimate concerns andhonest questions. For this reason, I thought itappropriate to prepare a post-synodal ApostolicExhortation to gather the contributions of thetwo recent Synods on the family, while addingother considerations as an aid to reflection, dialogue and pastoral practice, and as a help andencouragement to families in their daily commitments and challenges.5.a This Exhortation is especially timely in thisJubilee Year of Mercy. First, because it representsan invitation to Christian families to value the giftsof marriage and the family, and to persevere ina love strengthened by the virtues of generosity,commitment, fidelity and patience. Second, because it seeks to encourage everyone to be a signof mercy and closeness wherever family life remains imperfect or lacks peace and joy.6.a I will begin with an opening chapter inspiredby the Scriptures, to set a proper tone. I will thenexamine the actual situation of families, in orderto keep firmly grounded in reality. I will go onto recall some essential aspects of the Churchasteaching on marriage and the family, thus paving5

the way for two central chapters dedicated to love.I will then highlight some pastoral approaches thatcan guide us in building sound and fruitful homesin accordance with Godas plan, with a full chapter devoted to the raising of children. Finally, Iwill offer an invitation to mercy and the pastoraldiscernment of those situations that fall short ofwhat the Lord demands of us, and conclude witha brief discussion of family spirituality.7.a Given the rich fruits of the two-year Synodprocess, this Exhortation will treat, in differentways, a wide variety of questions. This explainsits inevitable length. Consequently, I do notrecommend a rushed reading of the text. Thegreatest benefit, for families themselves and forthose engaged in the family apostolate, will comeif each part is read patiently and carefully, or if attention is paid to the parts dealing with their specific needs. It is likely, for example, that marriedcouples will be more concerned with ChaptersFour and Five, and pastoral ministers with Chapter Six, while everyone should feel challenged byChapter Eight. It is my hope that, in reading thistext, all will feel called to love and cherish familylife, for afamilies are not a problem; they are firstand foremost an opportunitya.4

a Address at the Meeting of Families in Santiago de Cuba (22September 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 24 September 2015, p. 7.4

6

CHAPTER ONE

IN THE LIGHT OF THE WORD

8.a The Bible is full of families, births, lovestories and family crises. This is true from itsvery first page, with the appearance of Adam andEveas family with all its burden of violence butalso its enduring strength (cf. Gen 4) to its verylast page, where we behold the wedding feast ofthe Bride and the Lamb (Rev 21:2, 9). Jesusa description of the two houses, one built on rockand the other on sand (cf. Mt 7:24-27), symbolizesany number of family situations shaped by theexercise of their membersa freedom, for, as thepoet says, aevery home is a lampstanda.5 Let usnow enter one of those houses, led by the Psalmist with a song that even today resounds in bothJewish and Christian wedding liturgies:aBlessed is every one who fears the Lord,who walks in his ways!You shall eat the fruit of the labour of your hands;you shall be happy, and it shall go well with you.Your wife will be like a fruitful vinewithin your house;

your children will be like olive shootsround your table.Thus shall the man be blessedwho fears the Lord.The Lord bless you from Zion!May you see the prosperity of Jerusalemall the days of your life!May you see your childrenas children!Peace be upon Israel!a (Ps 128:1-6).You and your wife

9.a Let us cross the threshold of this tranquilhome, with its family sitting around the festivetable. At the centre we see the father and mother,a couple with their personal story of love. Theyembody the primordial divine plan clearly spokenof by Christ himself: aHave you not read that hewho made them from the beginning made themmale and female?a (Mt 19:4). We hear an echoof the command found in the Book of Genesis: aTherefore a man shall leave his father andmother and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh (Gen 2:24)a.10.a The majestic early chapters of Genesispresent the human couple in its deepest reality.Those first pages of the Bible make a number ofvery clear statements. The first, which Jesus paraphrases, says that aGod created man in his ownimage, in the image of God he created them;male and female he created thema (1:27). It isstriking that the aimage of Goda here refers to8

the couple, amale and femalea. Does this meanthat sex is a property of God himself, or thatGod has a divine female companion, as some ancient religions held? Naturally, the answer is no.We know how clearly the Bible rejects as idolatrous such beliefs, found among the Canaanitesof the Holy Land. Godas transcendence is preserved, yet inasmuch as he is also the Creator, thefruitfulness of the human couple is a living andeffective aimagea, a visible sign of his creativeact.11.a The couple that loves and begets life is atrue, living icon a not an idol like those of stoneor gold prohibited by the Decalogue a capableof revealing God the Creator and Saviour. Forthis reason, fruitful love becomes a symbol ofGodas inner life (cf. Gen 1:28; 9:7; 17:2-5, 16; 28:3;35:11; 48:3-4). This is why the Genesis account,following the apriestly traditiona, is interwovenwith various genealogical accounts (cf. 4:17-22,25-26; 5; 10; 11:10-32; 25:1-4, 12-17, 19-26; 36).The ability of human couples to beget life is thepath along which the history of salvation progresses. Seen this way, the coupleas fruitful relationship becomes an image for understandingand describing the mystery of God himself, forin the Christian vision of the Trinity, God is contemplated as Father, Son and Spirit of love. Thetriune God is a communion of love, and the family is its living reflection. Saint John Paul II shedlight on this when he said, aOur God in his deep9

est mystery is not solitude, but a family, for hehas within himself fatherhood, sonship and theessence of the family, which is love. That love, inthe divine family, is the Holy Spirita.6 The familyis thus not unrelated to Godas very being.7 ThisTrinitarian dimension finds expression in thetheology of Saint Paul, who relates the coupleto the amysterya of the union of Christ and theChurch (cf. Eph 5:21-33).12.a In speaking of marriage, Jesus refers usto yet another page of Genesis, which, in itssecond chapter, paints a splendid and detailedportrait of the couple. First, we see the man,who anxiously seeks aa helper fit for hima (vv.18, 20), capable of alleviating the solitude whichhe feels amid the animals and the world aroundhim. The original Hebrew suggests a direct encounter, face to face, eye to eye, in a kind ofsilent dialogue, for where love is concerned,silence is always more eloquent than words. It isan encounter with a face, a athoua, who reflectsGodas own love and is manas abest possession,a helper fit for him and a pillar of supporta, inthe words of the biblical sage (Sir 36:24). Oragain, as the woman of the Song of Solomonwill sing in a magnificent profession of love andmutual self-bestowal: aMy beloved is mine anda Homily at the Eucharistic Celebration in Puebla de los Angeles(28 January 1979), 2: AAS 71 (1979), 184.7a Cf. ibid.6

10

I am hisa| I am my belovedas and my beloved isminea (2:16; 6:3).13.a This encounter, which relieves manas solitude, gives rise to new birth and to the family. Significantly, Adam, who is also the manof every time and place, together with his wife,starts a new family. Jesus speaks of this byquoting the passage from Genesis: aThe manshall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become onea (Mt 19:5; cf. Gen 2:24). The veryword ato be joineda or ato cleavea, in the original Hebrew, bespeaks a profound harmony, acloseness both physical and interior, to such anextent that the word is used to describe our union with God: aMy soul clings to youa (Ps 63:8).The marital union is thus evoked not only in itssexual and corporal dimension, but also in itsvoluntary self-giving in love. The result of thisunion is that the two abecome one flesha, bothphysically and in the union of their hearts andlives, and, eventually, in a child, who will sharenot only genetically but also spiritually in theaflesha of both parents.Your children are as the shootsof an olive tree

14.a Let us once more take up the song of thePsalmist. In the home where husband and wifeare seated at table, children appear at their sidealike olive shootsa (Ps 128:3), that is, full of11

energy and vitality. If the parents are in somesense the foundations of the home, the children are like the aliving stonesa of the family(cf. 1 Pet 2:5). Significantly, the word whichappears most frequently in the Old Testamentafter the name of God (YHWH, athe Lorda),is achilda (ben, asona), which is itself related tothe verb ato builda (banah). Hence, Psalm 128,in speaking of the gift of children, uses imagerydrawn from the building of a house and the sociallife of cities: aUnless the Lord builds the house,those who build it labour in vaina| Lo, sons are aheritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, areward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior arethe sons of oneas youth. Happy is the man whohas his quiver full of them! He shall not be putto shame when he speaks with his enemies in thegatea (Ps 127:1, 3-5). These images reflect theculture of an ancient society, yet the presence ofchildren is a sign of the continuity of the familythroughout salvation history, from generation togeneration.15.a Here too, we can see another aspect of thefamily. We know that the New Testament speaksof achurches that meet in homesa (cf. 1 Cor16:19; Rom 16:5; Col 4:15; Philem 2). A familyasliving space could turn into a domestic church, asetting for the Eucharist, the presence of Christseated at its table. We can never forget the imagefound in the Book of Revelation, where the Lordsays: aBehold, I stand at the door and knock; if12

any one hears my voice and opens the door, I willcome in to him and eat with him, and he withmea (Rev 3:20). Here we see a home filled withthe presence of God, common prayer and everyblessing. This is the meaning of the conclusionof Psalm 128, which we cited above: aThus shallthe man be blessed who fears the Lord. The Lordbless you from Zion!a (Ps 128:4-5).16.a The Bible also presents the family as theplace where children are brought up in the faith.This is evident from the description of the Passover celebration (cf. Ex 12:26-27; Deut 6:20-25)and it later appears explicitly in the Jewish haggadah, the dialogue accompanying the rite of thePassover meal. One of the Psalms celebratesthe proclamation of faith within families: aAllthat we have heard and known, that our fathershave told us, we will not hide from their children, but tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might, and thewonders which he has wrought. He establisheda testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers to teachto their children; that the next generation mightknow them, the children yet unborn, and ariseand tell them to their childrena (Ps 78:3-6). Thefamily is thus the place where parents becometheir childrenas first teachers in the faith. Theylearn this atradea, passing it down from one person to another: aWhen in time to come your sonasks youa| You shall say to hima|a (Ex 13:14).13

Thus succeeding generations can raise their songto the Lord: ayoung men and maidens together,old and young together!a(Ps 148:12).17.a Parents have a serious responsibility forthis work of education, as the Biblical sages often remind us (cf. Prov 3:11-12; 6:20-22; 13:1;22:15; 23:13-14; 29:17). Children, for their part,are called to accept and practice the commandment: aHonour your father and your mothera(Ex 20:12). Here the verb ato honoura has to dowith the fulfilment of family and social commitments; these are not to be disregarded under thepretence of religious motives (cf. Mk 7:11-13).aWhoever honours his father atones for sins, andwhoever glorifies his mother is like one who laysup treasurea (Sir 3:3-4).18.a The Gospel goes on to remind us that children are not the property of a family, but havetheir own lives to lead. Jesus is a model of obedience to his earthly parents, placing himself under their charge (cf. Lk 2:51), but he also showsthat childrenas life decisions and their Christianvocation may demand a parting for the sake ofthe Kingdom of God (cf. Mt 10:34-37; Lk 9:5962). Jesus himself, at twelve years of age, tellsMary and Joseph that he has a greater missionto accomplish apart from his earthly family (cf.Lk 2:48-50). In this way, he shows the need forother, deeper bonds even within the family: aMymother and my brethren are those who hear theword of God and do ita (Lk 8:21). All the same,14

in the concern he shows for children a whom thesocieties of the ancient Near East viewed as subjects without particular rights and even as familyproperty a Jesus goes so far as to present themas teachers, on account of their simple trust andspontaneity towards others. aTruly I say to you,unless you turn and become like children, youwill never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heavena (Mt 18:3-4).A path of suffering and blood

19.a The idyllic picture presented in Psalm 128is not at odds with a bitter truth found throughout sacred Scripture, that is, the presence of pain,evil and violence that break up families and theircommunion of life and love. For good reasonChristas teaching on marriage (cf. Mt 19:3-9) is inserted within a dispute about divorce. The wordof God constantly testifies to that sombre dimension already present at the beginning, when,through sin, the relationship of love and puritybetween man and woman turns into domination:aYour desire shall be for your husband, and heshall rule over youa (Gen 3:16).20.a This thread of suffering and bloodshedruns through numerous pages of the Bible, beginning with Cainas murder of his brother Abel.We read of the disputes between the sons andthe wives of the Patriarchs Abraham, Isaac andJacob, the tragedies and violence marking the15

family of David, the family problems reflected inthe story of Tobias and the bitter complaint ofJob: aHe has put my brethren far from mea| mykinsfolk and my close friends have failed mea| Iam repulsive to my wife, loathsome to the sonsof my own mothera (Job 19:13-14, 17).21.a Jesus himself was born into a modest family that soon had to flee to a foreign land. He visits the home of Peter, whose mother-in-law is ill(cf. Mk 1:30-31) and shows sympathy upon hearing of deaths in the homes of Jairus and Lazarus(cf. Mk 5:22-24, 35-43; Jn 11:1-44). He hears thedesperate wailing of the widow of Nain for herdead son (cf. Lk 7:11-15) and heeds the plea ofthe father of an epileptic child in a small country town (cf. Mk 9:17-27). He goes to the homesof tax collectors like Matthew and Zacchaeus(cf. Mt 9:9-13; Lk 19:1-10), and speaks to sinners like the woman in the house of Simon thePharisee (cf. Lk 7:36-50). Jesus knows the anxieties and tensions experienced by families andhe weaves them into his parables: children wholeave home to seek adventure (cf. Lk 15:11-32),or who prove troublesome (Mt 21:28-31) or fallprey to violence (Mk 12:1-9). He is also sensitive to the embarrassment caused by the lack ofwine at a wedding feast (Jn 2:1-10), the failure ofguests to come to a banquet (Mt 22:1-10), andthe anxiety of a poor family over the loss of acoin (Lk 15:8-10).16

22.a In this brief review, we can see that theword of God is not a series of abstract ideas butrather a source of comfort and companionshipfor every family that experiences difficulties orsuffering. For it shows them the goal of theirjourney, when God awill wipe away every tearfrom their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor painany morea (Rev 21:4).The work of your hands

23.a At the beginning of Psalm 128, the fatherappears as a labourer who by the work of hishands sustains the physical well-being and tranquillity of his family: aYou shall eat the fruit ofthe labour of your hands; you shall be happy, andit shall be well with youa (Ps 128:2). It is clearfrom the very first pages of the Bible that workis an essential part of human dignity; there weread that athe Lord God took the man and puthim in the garden of Eden to till it and keep ita(Gen 2:15). Man is presented as a labourer whoworks the earth, harnesses the forces of natureand produces athe bread of anxious toila (Ps127:2), in addition to cultivating his own giftsand talents.24.a Labour also makes possible the development of society and provides for the sustenance, stability and fruitfulness of oneas family:aMay you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all thedays of your life! May you see your childrenas17

children!a (Ps 128:5-6). The Book of Proverbsalso presents the labour of mothers within thefamily; their daily work is described in detail aswinning the praise of their husbands and children (cf. 31:10-31). The Apostle Paul was proudnot to live as a burden to others, since he workedwith his own hands and assured his own livelihood (cf. Acts 18:3; 1 Cor 4:12; 9:12). Paul wasso convinced of the necessity of work that helaid down a strict rule for his communities: aIfanyone will not work, let him not eata (2 Th 3:10;cf. 1 Th 4:11).25.a This having been said, we can appreciatethe suffering created by unemployment and thelack of steady work, as reflected in the Book ofRuth, Jesusa own parable of the labourers forcedto stand idly in the town square (Mt 20:1-16), andhis personal experience of meeting people suffering from poverty and hunger. Sadly, these realities are present in many countries today, wherethe lack of employment opportunities takes itstoll on the serenity of family life.26.a Nor can we overlook the social degeneration brought about by sin, as, for example, whenhuman beings tyrannize nature, selfishly andeven brutally ravaging it. This leads to the desertification of the earth (cf. Gen 3:17-19) and thosesocial and economic imbalances denounced bythe prophets, beginning with Elijah (cf. 1 Kg 21)and culminating in Jesusa own words against injustice (cf. Lk 12:13; 16:1-31).18

The tenderness of an embrace

27.a Christ proposed as the distinctive sign ofhis disciples the law of love and the gift of selffor others (cf. Mt 22:39; Jn 13:34). He did so instating a principle that fathers and mothers tendto embody in their own lives: aNo one has greater love than this, to lay down oneas life for oneasfriendsa (Jn 15:13). Love also bears fruit in mercyand forgiveness. We see this in a particular wayin the scene of the woman caught in adultery; infront of the Temple, the woman is surroundedby her accusers, but later, alone with Jesus, shemeets not condemnation but the admonition tolead a more worthy life (cf. Jn 8:1-11).28.a Against this backdrop of love so centralto the Christian experience of marriage and thefamily, another virtue stands out, one often overlooked in our world of frenetic and superficialrelationships. It is tenderness. Let us considerthe moving words of Psalm 131. As in otherbiblical texts (e.g., Ex 4:22; Is 49:15; Ps 27:10), theunion between the Lord and his faithful ones isexpressed in terms of parental love. Here we seea delicate and tender intimacy between motherand child: the image is that of a babe sleepingin his motheras arms after being nursed. As theHebrew word gamA>>l suggests, the infant is nowfed and clings to his mother, who takes him toher bosom. There is a closeness that is conscious and not simply biological. Drawing onthis image, the Psalmist sings: aI have calmed19

and quieted my soul, like a child quieted at itsmotheras breasta (Ps 131:2). We can also thinkof the touching words that the prophet Hoseaputs on Godas lips: aWhen Israel was a child, Iloved hima| I took them up in my armsa| I ledthem with cords of compassion, with the bandsof love, and I became to them as one who easesthe yoke on their jaws, and I bent down to themand fed thema (Hos 11:1, 3-4).29.a With a gaze of faith and love, grace andfidelity, we have contemplated the relationshipbetween human families and the divine Trinity.The word of God tells us that the family is entrusted to a man, a woman and their children,so that they may become a communion of persons in the image of the union of the Father,the Son and the Holy Spirit. Begetting and raising children, for its part, mirrors Godas creativework. The family is called to join in daily prayer,to read the word of God and to share in Eucharistic communion, and thus to grow in love andbecome ever more fully a temple in which theSpirit dwells.30.a Every family should look to the icon of theHoly Family of Nazareth. Its daily life had itsshare of burdens and even nightmares, as whenthey met with Herodas implacable violence. Thislast was an experience that, sad to say, continuesto afflict the many refugee families who in ourday feel rejected and helpless. Like the Magi,our families are invited to contemplate the Child20

and his Mother, to bow down and worship him(cf. Mt 2:11). Like Mary, they are asked to facetheir familyas challenges with courage and serenity, in good times and bad, and to keep in theirheart the great things which God has done (cf.Lk 2:19, 51). The treasury of Maryas heart alsocontains the experiences of every family, whichshe cherishes. For this reason, she can help usunderstand the meaning of these experiencesand to hear the message God wishes to communicate through the life of our families.

21

CHAPTER TWO

THE EXPERIENCESAND CHALLENGES OF FAMILIES31.a The welfare of the family is decisive forthe future of the world and that of the Church.Countless studies have been made of marriageand the family, their current problems and challenges. We do well to focus on concrete realities, since athe call and the demands of the Spiritresound in the events of historya, and throughthese athe Church can also be guided to a moreprofound understanding of the inexhaustiblemystery of marriage and the familya.8 I will notattempt here to present all that might be saidabout the family today. Nonetheless, because theSynod Fathers examined the situation of familiesworldwide, I consider it fitting to take up someof their pastoral insights, along with concernsderived from my own experience.The current reality of the family

32.a aFaithful to Christas teaching we look to thereality of the family today in all its complexity, withboth its lights and shadowsa| Anthropological anda John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio(22 November 1981), 4: AAS 74 (1982), 84.8

23

cultural changes in our times influence all aspectsof life and call for an analytic and diversified approacha.9 Several decades ago, the Spanish bishops noted that families have come to enjoy greater freedom athrough an equitable distributionof duties, responsibilities and tasksa; indeed, aagreater emphasis on personal communicationbetween the spouses helps to make family lifemore humanea, while aneither todayas societynor that to which we are progressing allow anuncritical survival of older forms and modelsa.10It is also evident that athe principal tendenciesin anthropological-cultural changesa are leadingaindividuals, in personal and family life, to receive less and less support from social structuresthan in the pasta.1133.a On the other hand, aequal considerationneeds to be given to the growing danger represented by an extreme individualism which weakens family bonds and ends up considering eachmember of the family as an isolated unit, leadingin some cases to the idea that oneas personalityis shaped by his or her desires, which are considered absolutea.12 aThe tensions created by anoverly individualistic culture, caught up with possessions and pleasures, leads to intolerance anda Relatio Synodi 2014, 5.a Spanish Bishopsa Conference, Matrimonio y familia (6July 1979), 3, 16, 23.11a Relatio Finalis 2015, 5.12a Relatio Synodi 2014, 5.9

10

24

hostility in familiesa.13 Here I would also includetodayas fast pace of life, stress and the organization of society and labour, since all these arecultural factors which militate against permanentdecisions. We also encounter widespread uncertainty and ambiguity. For example, we rightly valuea personalism that opts for authenticity as opposed to mere conformity. While this can favourspontaneity and a better use of peopleas talents,if misdirected it can foster attitudes of constantsuspicion, fear of commitment, self-centrednessand arrogance. Freedom of choice makes it possible to plan our lives and to make the most ofourselves. Yet if this freedom lacks noble goalsor personal discipline, it degenerates into aninability to give oneself generously to others.Indeed, in many countries where the numberof marriages is decreasing, more and more people are choosing to live alone or simply to spendtime together without cohabiting. We can alsopoint to a praiseworthy concern for justice; butif misunderstood, this can turn citizens into clients interested solely in the provision of services.34.a When these factors affect our understanding of the family, it can come to be seen as away station, helpful when convenient, or a setting in which rights can be asserted while relationships are left to the changing winds of personal desire and circumstances. Ultimately, it isa Relatio Finalis 2015, 8.

13

25

easy nowadays to confuse genuine freedom withthe idea that each individual can act arbitrarily, asif there were no truths, values and principles toprovide guidance, and everything were possibleand permissible. The ideal of marriage, markedby a commitment to exclusivity and stability, isswept aside whenever it proves inconvenient ortiresome. The fear of loneliness and the desirefor stability and fidelity exist side by side with agrowing fear of entrapment in a relationship thatcould hamper the achievement of oneas personalgoals.35.a As Christians, we can hardly stop advocating marriage simply to avoid countering contemporary sensibilities, or out of a desire to befashionable or a sense of helplessness in theface of human and moral failings. We would bedepriving the world of values that we can andmust offer. It is true that there is no sense insimply decrying present-day evils, as if this couldchange things. Nor it is helpful to try to imposerules by sheer authority. What we need is a moreresponsible and generous effort to present thereasons and motivations for choosing marriageand the family, and in this way to help men andwomen better to respond to the grace that Godoffers them.36.a We also need to be humble and realistic,acknowledging that at times the way we present our Christian beliefs and treat other peoplehas helped contribute to todayas problematic26

situation. We need a healthy dose of self-criticism. Then too, we often present marriage insuch a way that its unitive meaning, its call togrow in love and its ideal of mutual assistance areovershadowed by an almost exclusive insistenceon the duty of procreation. Nor have we alwaysprovided solid guidance to young married couples, understanding their timetables, their way ofthinking and their concrete concerns. At timeswe have also proposed a far too abstract and almost artificial theological ideal of marriage, farremoved from the concrete situations and practical possibilities of real families. This excessiveidealization, especially when we have failed toinspire trust in Godas grace, has not helped tomake marriage more desirable and attractive, butquite the opposite.37.a We have long thought that simply by stressing doctrinal, bioethical and moral issues, withoutencouraging openness to grace, we were providing sufficient support to families, strengtheningthe marriage bond and giving meaning to maritallife. We find it difficult to present marriage moreas a dynamic path to personal development andfulfilment than as a lifelong burden. We also findit hard to make room for the consciences of thefaithful, who very often respond as best they canto the Gospel amid their limitations, and are capable of carrying out their own discernment incomplex situations. We have been called to formconsciences, not to replace them.27

38.a We must be grateful that most people dovalue family relationships that are permanentand marked by mutual respect. They appreciatethe Churchas efforts to offer guidance and counselling in areas related to growth in love, overcoming conflict and raising children. Many aretouched by the power of grace experienced insacramental Reconciliation and in the Eucharist,grace that helps them face the challenges of marriage and the family. In some countries, especially in various parts of Africa, secularism hasnot weakened certain traditional values, and marriages forge a strong bond between two widerfamilies, with clearly defined structures for dealing with problems and conflicts. Nowadays weare grateful too for the witness of marriages thathave not only proved lasting, but also fruitful andloving. All these factors can inspire a positive andwelcoming pastoral approach capable of helpingcouples to grow in appreciation of the demandsof the Gospel. Yet we have often been on thedefensive, wasting pastoral energy on denouncing a decadent world without being proactive inproposing ways of finding true happiness. Manypeople feel that the Churchas message on marriage and the family does not clearly reflect thepreaching and attitudes of Jesus, who set fortha demanding ideal yet never failed to show compassion and closeness to the frailty of individualslike the Samaritan woman or the woman caughtin adultery.28

39.a This is hardly to suggest that we cease warning against a cultural decline that fails to promotelove or self-giving. The consultation that tookplace prior to the last two Synods pointed to thevarious symptoms of a aculture of the ephemerala. Here I think, for example, of the speedwith which people move from one affective relationship to another. They believe, along the linesof social networks, that love can be connectedor disconnected at the whim of the consumer,and the relationship quickly ablockeda. I thinktoo of the fears associated with permanent commitment, the obsession with free time, and thoserelationships that weigh costs and benefitsfor the sake of remedying loneliness, providingprotection, or offering some service. We treataffective relationships the way we treat materialobjects and the environment: everything is disposable; everyone uses and throws away, takesand breaks, exploits and squeezes to the lastdrop. Then, goodbye. Narcissism makes peopleincapable of looking beyond themselves, beyondtheir own desires and needs. Yet sooner or later,those who use others end up being used themselves, manipulated and discarded by that samemind-set. It is also worth noting that breakupsoften occur among older adults who seek a kindof aindependencea and reject the ideal of growing old together, looking after and supportingone another.29

40.a aAt the risk of oversimplifying, we mightsay that we live in a culture which pressures youngpeople not to start a family, because they lackpossibilities for the future. Yet this same culturepresents others with so many options that theytoo are dissuaded from starting a familya.14 Insome countries, many young persons apostponea wedding for economic reasons, work or study.Some do so for other reasons, such as the influence of ideologies which devalue marriage andfamily, the desire to avoid the failures of othercouples, the fear of something they consider tooimportant and sacred, the social opportunitiesand economic benefits associated with simplyliving together, a purely emotional and romantic conception of love, the fear of losing theirfreedom and independence, and the rejection ofsomething conceived as purely institutional andbureaucratica.15 We need to find the right language, arguments and forms of witness that canhelp us reach the hearts of young people, appealing to their capacity for generosity, commitment,love and even heroism, and in this way invitingthem to take up the challenge of marriage withenthusiasm and courage.41.a The Synod Fathers noted that aculturaltendencies in todayas world seem to set no limitson a personas affectivitya; indeed, aa narcissistic,a Address to the United States Congress (24 September 2015):LaOsservatore Romano, 26 September 2015, p. 7.15a Relatio Finalis 2015, 29.14

30

unstable or changeable affectivity does not alwaysallow a person to grow to maturitya. They alsoexpressed concern about the current aspread ofpornography and the commercialization of thebody, fostered also by a misuse of the internet,and about those areprehensible situations wherepeople are forced into prostitutiona. In this context, acouples are often uncertain, hesitant andstruggling to find ways to grow. Many tend to remain in the early stages of their affective and sexual life. A crisis in a coupleas relationship destabilizes the family and may lead, through separationand divorce, to serious consequences for adults,children and society as a whole, weakening its individual and social bondsa.16 Marital problemsare aoften confronted in haste and without thecourage to have patience and reflect, to makesacrifices and to forgive one another. Failuresgive rise to new relationships, new couples, newcivil unions, and new marriages, creating familysituations which are complex and problematicfor the Christian lifea.1742.a Furthermore, athe decline in population,due to a mentality against having children andpromoted by the world politics of reproductivehealth, creates not only a situation in which therelationship between generations is no longerensured but also the danger that, over time, thisa Relatio Synodi 2014, 10.a Third Extraordinary General AssemblySynod of Bishops, Message, 18 October 2014.1617

of the

31

decline will lead to economic impoverishmentand a loss of hope in the future. The development of bio-technology has also had a major impact on the birth ratea.18 Added to this are other factors such as aindustrialization, the sexualrevolution, the fear of overpopulation and economic problemsa| Consumerism may also deterpeople from having children, simply so they canmaintain a certain freedom and life-stylea.19 Theupright consciences of spouses who have beengenerous in transmitting life may lead them, forsufficiently serious reasons, to limit the numberof their children, yet precisely afor the sake ofthis dignity of conscience, the Church stronglyrejects the forced State intervention in favour ofcontraception, sterilization and even abortiona.20Such measures are unacceptable even in placeswith high birth rates, yet also in countries withdisturbingly low birth rates we see politicians encouraging them. As the bishops of Korea havesaid, this is ato act in a way that is self-contradictory and to neglect oneas dutya.2143.a The weakening of faith and religious practice in some societies has an effect on families,leaving them more isolated amid their difficulties.The Synod Fathers noted that aone symptoma Relatio Synodi 2014, 10.a Relatio Finalis 2015, 7.20a Ibid., 63.21a Catholic Bishopsa ConferenceCulture of Life! (15 March 2007), 2.1819

32

of

Korea, Towards a

of the great poverty of contemporary culture isloneliness, arising from the absence of God ina personas life and the fragility of relationships.There is also a general feeling of powerlessnessin the face of socio-cultural realities that oftentimes end up crushing familiesa| Families oftenfeel abandoned due to a lack of interest and attention on the part of institutions. The negativeimpact on the social order is clear, as seen in thedemographic crisis, in the difficulty of raisingchildren, in a hesitancy to welcome new life, ina tendency to see older persons as a burden, andin an increase of emotional problems and outbreaks of violence. The State has the responsibility to pass laws and create work to ensurethe future of young people and help them realizetheir plan of forming a familya.2244.a The lack of dignified or affordable housingoften leads to the postponement of formal relationships. It should be kept in mind that athefamily has the right to decent housing, fittingfor family life and commensurate to the number of the members, in a physical environmentthat provides the basic services for the life ofthe family and the communitya.23 Families andhomes go together. This makes us see how important it is to insist on the rights of the familyand not only those of individuals. The family isa Relatio Synodi 2014, 6.a Pontifical Council for the Family, Charter of theRights of the Family (22 October 1983), Art. 11.2223

33

a good which society cannot do without, and itought to be protected.24 aThe Church has alwaysheld it part of her mission to promote marriageand the family and to defend them against thosewho attack thema,25 especially today, when theyare given scarce attention in political agendas.Families have the right to ato be able to count onan adequate family policy on the part of publicauthorities in the juridical, economic, social andfiscal domainsa.26 At times families suffer terriblywhen, faced with the illness of a loved one, theylack access to adequate health care, or struggleto find dignified employment. aEconomic constraints prohibit a familyas access to education,cultural activities and involvement in the life ofsociety. In many ways, the present-day economicsituation is keeping people from participating insociety. Families, in particular, suffer from problems related to work, where young people havefew possibilities and job offers are very selectiveand insecure. Workdays are long and oftentimesmade more burdensome by extended periodsaway from home. This situation does not helpfamily members to gather together or parents tobe with their children in such a way as to nurturetheir relationships each daya.27aCf. Relatio Finalis 2015, 11-12.a Pontifical Council for the Family, Charter of theRights of the Family (22 October 1983), Introduction.26a Ibid., 9.27a Relatio Finalis 2015, 14.2425

34

45.a aA great number of children are born outside of wedlock, many of whom subsequentlygrow up with just one of their parents or in ablended or reconstituted familya| The sexualexploitation of children is yet another scandalous and perverse reality in present-day society.Societies experiencing violence due to war, terrorism or the presence of organized crime arewitnessing the deterioration of the family, aboveall in large cities, where, on their outskirts, theso-called phenomenon of astreet-childrena is onthe risea.28 The sexual abuse of children is all themore scandalous when it occurs in places wherethey ought to be most safe, particularly in families, schools, communities and Christian institutions.2946.a aMigration is another sign of the times tobe faced and understood in terms of its negative effects on family lifea.30 The recent Synoddrew attention to this issue, noting that ain various ways, migration affects whole populationsin different parts of the world. The Church hasexercised a major role in this area. Maintainingand expanding this witness to the Gospel (cf.Mt 25:35) is urgently needed today more thanevera| Human mobility, which correspondsto the natural historical movement of peoples,can prove to be a genuine enrichment for botha Relatio Synodi 2014, 8.aCf. Relatio Finalis 2015, 78.30a Relatio Synodi 2014, 8.2829

35

families that migrate and countries that welcomethem. Furthermore, forced migration of families, resulting from situations of war, persecution, poverty and injustice, and marked by thevicissitudes of a journey that often puts lives atrisk, traumatizes people and destabilizes families.In accompanying migrants, the Church needs aspecific pastoral programme addressed not onlyto families that migrate but also to those family members who remain behind. This pastoralactivity must be implemented with due respectfor their cultures, for the human and religiousformation from which they come and for thespiritual richness of their rites and traditions,even by means of a specific pastoral carea| Migration is particularly dramatic and devastatingto families and individuals when it takes placeillegally and is supported by international networks of human trafficking. This is equally truewhen it involves women or unaccompanied children who are forced to endure long periods oftime in temporary facilities and refugee camps,where it is impossible to start a process of integration. Extreme poverty and other situationsof family breakdown sometimes even lead families to sell their children for prostitution or fororgan traffickinga.31 aThe persecution of Christians and ethnic and religious minorities in manyparts of the world, especially in the Middle East,a Relatio Finalis 2015, 23; cf. Message for the World Day ofMigrants and Refugees on 17 January 2016 (12 September 2015),LaOsservatore Romano, 2 October 2015, p. 8.31

36

are a great trial not only for the Church but alsothe entire international community. Every effort should be encouraged, even in a practicalway, to assist families and Christian communitiesto remain in their native landsa.3247.a The Fathers also called particular attentionto afamilies of persons with special needs, wherethe unexpected challenge of dealing with a disability can upset a familyas equilibrium, desires andexpectationsa| Families who lovingly accept thedifficult trial of a child with special needs aregreatly to be admired. They render the Churchand society an invaluable witness of faithfulnessto the gift of life. In these situations, the familycan discover, together with the Christian community, new approaches, new ways of acting, adifferent way of understanding and identifyingwith others, by welcoming and caring for themystery of the frailty of human life. People withdisabilities are a gift for the family and an opportunity to grow in love, mutual aid and unitya| Ifthe family, in the light of the faith, accepts thepresence of persons with special needs, they willbe able to recognize and ensure the quality andvalue of every human life, with its proper needs,rights and opportunities. This approach will promote care and services on behalf of these disadvantaged persons and will encourage peopleto draw near to them and provide affection ata Relatio Finalis 2015, 24.

32

37

every stage of their lifea.33 Here I would stressthat dedication and concern shown to migrantsand to persons with special needs alike is a signof the Spirit. Both situations are paradigmatic:they serve as a test of our commitment to showmercy in welcoming others and to help thevulnerable to be fully a part of our communities.48.a aMost families have great respect for theelderly, surrounding them with affection andconsidering them a blessing. A special word ofappreciation is due to those associations andfamily movements committed to serving the elderly, both spiritually and sociallya| In highlyindustrialized societies, where the number of elderly persons is growing even as the birth ratedeclines, they can be regarded as a burden. Onthe other hand, the care that they require oftenputs a strain on their loved onesa.34 aCare andconcern for the final stages of life is all the morenecessary today, when contemporary society attempts to remove every trace of death and dying.The elderly who are vulnerable and dependentare at times unfairly exploited simply for economic advantage. Many families show us that itis possible to approach the last stages of life byemphasizing the importance of a personas senseof fulfilment and participation in the Lordas paschal mystery. A great number of elderly people are cared for in Church institutions, where,a Ibid., 21.a Ibid., 17.

3334

38

materially and spiritually, they can live in a peaceful, family atmosphere. Euthanasia and assistedsuicide are serious threats to families worldwide;in many countries, they have been legalized. TheChurch, while firmly opposing these practices,feels the need to assist families who take care oftheir elderly and infirm membersa.3549.a Here I would also like to mention the situation of families living in dire poverty andgreat limitations. The problems faced by poorhouseholds are often all the more trying.36 Forexample, if a single mother has to raise a childby herself and needs to leave the child alone athome while she goes to work, the child can growup exposed to all kind of risks and obstacles topersonal growth. In such difficult situations ofneed, the Church must be particularly concernedto offer understanding, comfort and acceptance,rather than imposing straightaway a set of rulesthat only lead people to feel judged and abandoned by the very Mother called to show themGodas mercy. Rather than offering the healingpower of grace and the light of the Gospel message, some would aindoctrinatea that message,turning it into adead stones to be hurled at othersa.37a Ibid., 20.aCf. ibid., 15.37a Concluding Address of the Fourteenth Ordinary GeneralAssembly of the Synod of Bishops (24 October 2015): LaOsservatoreRomano, 26-27 October 2015, p. 13.3536

39

Some challenges

50.a The responses given to the two pre-synodalconsultations spoke of a great variety of situations and the new challenges that they pose. Inaddition to those already mentioned, many ofthe respondents pointed to the problems familiesface in raising children. In many cases, parentscome home exhausted, not wanting to talk, andmany families no longer even share a commonmeal. Distractions abound, including an addiction to television. This makes it all the more difficult for parents to hand on the faith to theirchildren. Other responses pointed to the effectof severe stress on families, who often seemmore caught up with securing their future thanwith enjoying the present. This is a broader cultural problem, aggravated by fears about steadyemployment, finances and the future of children.51.a Drug use was also mentioned as one ofthe scourges of our time, causing immense suffering and even breakup for many families. Thesame is true of alcoholism, gambling and otheraddictions. The family could be the place wherethese are prevented and overcome, but societyand politics fail to see that families at risk alosethe ability to act to help their membersa| We seethe serious effects of this breakdown in familiestorn apart, the young uprooted and the elderlyabandoned, children who are orphans of livingparents, adolescents and young adults confused40

and unsupported.a38 As the Bishops of Mexicohave pointed out, violence within families breedsnew forms of social aggression, since afamilyrelationships can also explain the tendency to aviolent personality. This is often the case withfamilies where communication is lacking, defensive attitudes predominate, the members are notsupportive of one another, family activities thatencourage participation are absent, the parentalrelationship is frequently conflictual and violent,and relationships between parents and childrenare marked by hostility. Violence within thefamily is a breeding-ground of resentment andhatred in the most basic human relationshipsa.3952.a No one can think that the weakening ofthe family as that natural society founded onmarriage will prove beneficial to society as awhole. The contrary is true: it poses a threat tothe mature growth of individuals, the cultivationof community values and the moral progress ofcities and countries. There is a failure to realizethat only the exclusive and indissoluble union between a man and a woman has a plenary role toplay in society as a stable commitment that bearsfruit in new life. We need to acknowledge thegreat variety of family situations that can offer acertain stability, but de facto or same-sex unions,38a Argentinian Bishopsa Conference, Navega mar adentro(31 May 2003), 42.39a Mexican Bishopsa Conference, Que en Cristo NuestraPaz MA(c)xico tenga vida digna (15 February 2009), 67.

41

for example, may not simply be equated withmarriage. No union that is temporary or closedto the transmission of life can ensure the futureof society. But nowadays who is making an effort to strengthen marriages, to help marriedcouples overcome their problems, to assist themin the work of raising children and, in general,to encourage the stability of the marriage bond?53.a aSome societies still maintain the practiceof polygamy; in other places, arranged marriagesare an enduring practicea| In many places, notonly in the West, the practice of living togetherbefore marriage is widespread, as well as a typeof cohabitation which totally excludes any intention to marrya.40 In various countries, legislationfacilitates a growing variety of alternatives tomarriage, with the result that marriage, with itscharacteristics of exclusivity, indissolubility andopenness to life, comes to appear as an old-fashioned and outdated option. Many countries arewitnessing a legal deconstruction of the family,tending to adopt models based almost exclusivelyon the autonomy of the individual will. Surelyit is legitimate and right to reject older forms ofthe traditional family marked by authoritarianismand even violence, yet this should not lead to adisparagement of marriage itself, but rather tothe rediscovery of its authentic meaning and itsrenewal. The strength of the family alies in itsa Relatio Finalis 2015, 25.

40

42

capacity to love and to teach how to love. For alla familyas problems, it can always grow, beginningwith lovea.4154.a In this brief overview, I would like to stressthe fact that, even though significant advanceshave been made in the recognition of womenas rights and their participation in public life,in some countries much remains to be done topromote these rights. Unacceptable customsstill need to be eliminated. I think particularlyof the shameful ill-treatment to which womenare sometimes subjected, domestic violence andvarious forms of enslavement which, rather thana show of masculine power, are craven acts ofcowardice. The verbal, physical, and sexual violence that women endure in some marriages contradicts the very nature of the conjugal union. Ithink of the reprehensible genital mutilation ofwomen practiced in some cultures, but also oftheir lack of equal access to dignified work androles of decision-making. History is burdenedby the excesses of patriarchal cultures that considered women inferior, yet in our own day, wecannot overlook the use of surrogate mothersand athe exploitation and commercialization ofthe female body in the current media culturea.42There are those who believe that many of todayasproblems have arisen because of feminine emana Ibid., 10.a Catechesis (22 April 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 23 April2015, p. 7.4142

43

cipation. This argument, however, is not valid,ait is false, untrue, a form of male chauvinisma.43The equal dignity of men and women makes usrejoice to see old forms of discrimination disappear, and within families there is a growingreciprocity. If certain forms of feminism havearisen which we must consider inadequate, wemust nonetheless see in the womenas movementthe working of the Spirit for a clearer recognitionof the dignity and rights of women.55.a Men aplay an equally decisive role in familylife, particularly with regard to the protection andsupport of their wives and childrena| Many menare conscious of the importance of their role inthe family and live their masculinity accordingly.The absence of a father gravely affects family lifeand the upbringing of children and their integration into society. This absence, which may bephysical, emotional, psychological and spiritual,deprives children of a suitable father figurea.4456.a Yet another challenge is posed by the various forms of an ideology of gender that adenies the difference and reciprocity in nature ofa man and a woman and envisages a societywithout sexual differences, thereby eliminatingthe anthropological basis of the family. Thisideology leads to educational programmes anda Catechesis (29 April 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 30 April2015, p. 8.44a Relatio Finalis 2015, 28.43

44

legislative enactments that promote a personalidentity and emotional intimacy radically separated from the biological difference between maleand female. Consequently, human identity becomes the choice of the individual, one whichcan also change over timea.45 It is a source ofconcern that some ideologies of this sort, whichseek to respond to what are at times understandable aspirations, manage to assert themselves asabsolute and unquestionable, even dictating howchildren should be raised. It needs to be emphasized that abiological sex and the socio-culturalrole of sex (gender) can be distinguished but notseparateda.46 On the other hand, athe technological revolution in the field of human procreation has introduced the ability to manipulate thereproductive act, making it independent of thesexual relationship between a man and a woman. In this way, human life and parenthood havebecome modular and separable realities, subjectmainly to the wishes of individuals or couplesa.47It is one thing to be understanding of humanweakness and the complexities of life, and another to accept ideologies that attempt to sunder what are inseparable aspects of reality. Letus not fall into the sin of trying to replace theCreator. We are creatures, and not omnipotent.Creation is prior to us and must be received as agift. At the same time, we are called to protecta Ibid., 8.a Ibid., 58.47a Ibid., 33.4546

45

our humanity, and this means, in the first place,accepting it and respecting it as it was created.57.a I thank God that many families, which arefar from considering themselves perfect, live inlove, fulfil their calling and keep moving forward,even if they fall many times along the way. TheSynodas reflections show us that there is no stereotype of the ideal family, but rather a challenging mosaic made up of many different realities,with all their joys, hopes and problems. Thesituations that concern us are challenges. Weshould not be trapped into wasting our energyin doleful laments, but rather seek new formsof missionary creativity. In every situation thatpresents itself, athe Church is conscious of theneed to offer a word of truth and hopea| Thegreat values of marriage and the Christian familycorrespond to a yearning that is part and parcelof human existencea.48 If we see any numberof problems, these should be, as the Bishops ofColombia have said, a summons to arevive ourhope and to make it the source of prophetic visions, transformative actions and creative formsof charitya.49

LOOKING TO JESUS:THE VOCATION OF THE FAMILY58.a In and among families, the Gospel messageshould always resound; the core of that message,the kerygma, is what is amost beautiful, mostexcellent, most appealing and at the same timemost necessarya.50 This message ahas to occupythe centre of all evangelizing activitya.51 It is thefirst and most important proclamation, awhichwe must hear again and again in different ways,and which we must always announce in one formor anothera.52 Indeed, anothing is more solid,profound, secure, meaningful and wise than thatmessagea. In effect, aall Christian formationconsists of entering more deeply into the kerygmaa.5359.a Our teaching on marriage and the familycannot fail to be inspired and transformed bythis message of love and tenderness; otherwise,it becomes nothing more than the defence ofa dry and lifeless doctrine. The mystery of the50a Apostolic Exhortation Evangelii Gaudium (24 November2013), 35: AAS 105 (2013), 1034.51a Ibid., 164: AAS 105 (2013), 1088.52a Ibid.53a Ibid., 165: AAS 105 (2013), 1089.

47

Christian family can be fully understood only inthe light of the Fatheras infinite love revealed inChrist, who gave himself up for our sake andwho continues to dwell in our midst. I now wishto turn my gaze to the living Christ, who is at theheart of so many love stories, and to invoke thefire of the Spirit upon all the worldas families.60.a This brief chapter, then, will summarizethe Churchas teaching on marriage and the family. Here too I will mention what the SynodFathers had to say about the light offered by ourfaith. They began with the gaze of Jesus andthey spoke of how he alooked upon the women and men whom he met with love and tenderness, accompanying their steps in truth, patienceand mercy as he proclaimed the demands ofthe Kingdom of Goda.54 The Lord is also withus today, as we seek to practice and pass on theGospel of the family.Jesus restores and fulfils Godas plan

61.a Contrary to those who rejected marriage asevil, the New Testament teaches that aeverythingcreated by God is good and nothing is to be rejecteda (1 Tim 4:4). Marriage is aa gifta fromthe Lord (1 Cor 7:7). At the same time, preciselybecause of this positive understanding, the NewTestament strongly emphasizes the need to safeguard Godas gift: aLet marriage be held in honoura Relatio Synodi 2014, 12.

54

48

among all, and let the marriage bed be undefileda(Heb 13:4). This divine gift includes sexuality:aDo not refuse one anothera (1 Cor 7:5).62.a The Synod Fathers noted that Jesus, ainspeaking of Godas original plan for man andwoman, reaffirmed the indissoluble union between them, even stating that ait was for yourhardness of heart that Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it wasnot soa (Mt 19:8). The indissolubility of marriagea awhat God has joined together, let no man putasundera (Mt 19:6) a should not be viewed as aayokea imposed on humanity, but as a agifta granted to those who are joined in marriagea| Godasindulgent love always accompanies our humanjourney; through grace, it heals and transformshardened hearts, leading them back to the beginning through the way of the cross. The Gospelsclearly present the example of Jesus whoa| proclaimed the meaning of marriage as the fullnessof revelation that restores Godas original plan(cf. Mt 19:3)a.5563.a aJesus, who reconciled all things in himself,restored marriage and the family to their originalform (cf. Mt 10:1-12). Marriage and the familyhave been redeemed by Christ (cf. Eph 5:21-32)and restored in the image of the Holy Trinity,the mystery from which all true love flows. Thea Ibid., 14.

55

49

spousal covenant, originating in creation and revealed in the history of salvation, takes on its fullmeaning in Christ and his Church. Through hisChurch, Christ bestows on marriage and the family the grace necessary to bear witness to the loveof God and to live the life of communion. TheGospel of the family spans the history of theworld, from the creation of man and woman inthe image and likeness of God (cf. Gen 1:26-27),to the fulfilment of the mystery of the covenantin Christ at the end of time with the marriage ofthe Lamb (cf. Rev 19:9)a.5664.a aThe example of Jesus is a paradigm forthe Churcha| He began his public ministrywith the miracle at the wedding feast of Cana(cf. Jn 2:1-11). He shared in everyday momentsof friendship with the family of Lazarus and hissisters (cf. Lk 10:38) and with the family of Peter (cf. Mk 8:14). He sympathized with grievingparents and restored their children to life (cf. Mk5:41; Lk 7:14-15). In this way he demonstratedthe true meaning of mercy, which entails the restoration of the covenant (cf. John Paul II, Divesin Misericordia, 4). This is clear from his conversations with the Samaritan woman (cf. Jn 1:4-30)and with the woman found in adultery (cf. Jn 8:111), where the consciousness of sin is awakenedby an encounter with Jesusa gratuitous lovea.57a Ibid., 16.a Relatio Finalis 2015, 41.

5657

50

65.a The incarnation of the Word in a humanfamily, in Nazareth, by its very newness changedthe history of the world. We need to enter intothe mystery of Jesusa birth, into that ayesa givenby Mary to the message of the angel, when theWord was conceived in her womb, as well as theayesa of Joseph, who gave a name to Jesus andwatched over Mary. We need to contemplate thejoy of the shepherds before the manger, the adoration of the Magi and the flight into Egypt,in which Jesus shares his peopleas experience ofexile, persecution and humiliation. We need tocontemplate the religious expectation of Zechariah and his joy at the birth of John the Baptist,the fulfilment of the promise made known toSimeon and Anna in the Temple and the marvelof the teachers of the Law who listened to thewisdom of the child Jesus. We then need to peerinto those thirty long years when Jesus earned hiskeep by the work of his hands, reciting the traditional prayers and expressions of his peopleasfaith and coming to know that ancestral faith until he made it bear fruit in the mystery of theKingdom. This is the mystery of Christmas andthe secret of Nazareth, exuding the beauty offamily life! It was this that so fascinated Francisof Assisi, Theresa of the Child Jesus and Charlesde Foucauld, and continues to fill Christian families with hope and joy.66.a aThe covenant of love and fidelity livedby the Holy Family of Nazareth illuminates the51

principle which gives shape to every family, andenables it better to face the vicissitudes of lifeand history. On this basis, every family, despiteits weaknesses, can become a light in the darknessof the world. aNazareth teaches us the meaningof family life, its loving communion, its simpleand austere beauty, its sacred and inviolable character. May it teach how sweet and irreplaceableis its training, how fundamental and incomparable its role in the social ordera (Paul VI, Address inNazareth, 5 January 1964)a.58The family in the documents of the Church

67.a The Second Vatican Council, in its PastoralConstitution Gaudium et Spes, was concerned atopromote the dignity of marriage and the family (cf. Nos. 47-52)a. The Constitution adefinedmarriage as a community of life and love (cf. 48),placing love at the centre of the familya| aTruelove between husband and wifea (49) involves mutual self-giving, includes and integrates the sexual and affective dimensions, in accordance withGodas plan (cf. 48-49)a. The conciliar documentalso emphasizes athe grounding of the spousesin Christ. Christ the Lord amakes himself present to the Christian spouses in the sacrament ofmarriagea (48) and remains with them. In theincarnation, he assumes human love, purifies itand brings it to fulfilment. By his Spirit, he givesa Ibid., 38.

58

52

spouses the capacity to live that love, permeatingevery part of their lives of faith, hope and charity. In this way, the spouses are consecrated andby means of a special grace build up the Bodyof Christ and form a domestic church (cf. LumenGentium, 11), so that the Church, in order fully tounderstand her mystery, looks to the Christianfamily, which manifests her in a real waya.5968.a aBlessed Paul VI, in the wake of the SecondVatican Council, further developed the Churchasteaching on marriage and the family. In a particular way, with the Encyclical Humanae Vitae hebrought out the intrinsic bond between conjugal love and the generation of life: aMarried loverequires of husband and wife the full awarenessof their obligations in the matter of responsibleparenthood, which today, rightly enough, is muchinsisted upon, but which at the same time must berightly understooda| The exercise of responsibleparenthood requires that husband and wife, keeping a right order of priorities, recognize their ownduties towards God, themselves, their families andhuman societya (No. 10). In the Apostolic Exhortation Evangelii Nuntiandi, Paul VI highlighted therelationship between the family and the Churcha.6069.a aSaint John Paul II devoted special attention to the family in his catecheses on humanlove, in his Letter to Families Gratissimam Sane anda Relatio Synodi 2014, 17.a Relatio Finalis 2015, 43.

5960

53

particularly in his Apostolic Exhortation FamiliarisConsortio. In these documents, the Pope definedthe family as athe way of the Churcha. He alsooffered a general vision of the vocation of menand women to love, and proposed basic guidelines for the pastoral care of the family and forthe role of the family in society. In particular, bytreating conjugal love (cf. No. 13), he describedhow spouses, in their mutual love, receive the giftof the Spirit of Christ and live their call to holinessa.6170.a aPope Benedict XVI, in his Encyclical DeusCaritas Est, returned to the topic of the truth ofthe love of man and woman, which is fully illuminated only in the love of the crucified Christ(cf. No. 2). He stressed that amarriage based onan exclusive and definitive love becomes an iconof the relationship between God and his people,and vice versa. Godas way of loving becomes themeasure of human lovea (11). Moreover, in theEncyclical Caritas in Veritate, he highlighted theimportance of love as a principle of life in society(cf. 44), a place where we learn the experience ofthe common gooda.62The sacrament of Matrimony

71.a aScripture and Tradition give us access to aknowledge of the Trinity, which is revealed witha Relatio Synodi 2014, 18.a Ibid., 19.

6162

54

the features of a family. The family is the imageof God, who is a communion of persons. AtChristas baptism, the Fatheras voice was heard,calling Jesus his beloved Son, and in this love wecan recognize the Holy Spirit (cf. Mk 1:10-11).Jesus, who reconciled all things in himself andredeemed us from sin, not only returned marriage and the family to their original form, butalso raised marriage to the sacramental sign ofhis love for the Church (cf. Mt 19:1-12; Mk 10:112; Eph 5:21-32). In the human family, gatheredby Christ, athe image and likenessa of the MostHoly Trinity (cf. Gen 1:26) has been restored, themystery from which all true love flows. Throughthe Church, marriage and the family receive thegrace of the Holy Spirit from Christ, in order tobear witness to the Gospel of Godas lovea.6372.a The sacrament of marriage is not a socialconvention, an empty ritual or merely the outward sign of a commitment. The sacramentis a gift given for the sanctification and salvation of the spouses, since atheir mutual belonging is a real representation, through the sacramental sign, of the same relationship betweenChrist and the Church. The married couple aretherefore a permanent reminder for the Churchof what took place on the cross; they are forone another and for their children witnesses ofthe salvation in which they share through thea Relatio Finalis 2015, 38.

63

55

sacramenta.64 Marriage is a vocation, inasmuchas it is a response to a specific call to experienceconjugal love as an imperfect sign of the lovebetween Christ and the Church. Consequently,the decision to marry and to have a family oughtto be the fruit of a process of vocational discernment.73.a aMutual self-giving in the sacrament ofmatrimony is grounded in the grace of baptism,which establishes the foundational covenant ofevery person with Christ in the Church. In accepting each other, and with Christas grace, theengaged couple promise each other total selfgiving, faithfulness and openness to new life.The couple recognizes these elements as constitutive of marriage, gifts offered to them by God,and take seriously their mutual commitment, inGodas name and in the presence of the Church.Faith thus makes it possible for them to assumethe goods of marriage as commitments that canbe better kept through the help of the graceof the sacramenta| Consequently, the Churchlooks to married couples as the heart of theentire family, which, in turn, looks to Jesusa.65The sacrament is not a athinga or a apowera,for in it Christ himself anow encounters Christian spouses... He dwells with them, gives themthe strength to take up their crosses and soa John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio(22 November 1981), 13: AAS 74 (1982), 94.65a Relatio Synodi 2014, 21.64

56

follow him, to rise again after they have fallen,to forgive one another, to bear one anotherasburdensa.66 Christian marriage is a sign of howmuch Christ loved his Church in the covenantsealed on the cross, yet it also makes that lovepresent in the communion of the spouses. Bybecoming one flesh, they embody the espousalof our human nature by the Son of God. Thatis why ain the joys of their love and family life,he gives them here on earth a foretaste of thewedding feast of the Lamba.67 Even though theanalogy between the human couple of husbandand wife, and that of Christ and his Church, isaimperfecta,68 it inspires us to beg the Lord tobestow on every married couple an outpouringof his divine love.74.a Sexual union, lovingly experienced andsanctified by the sacrament, is in turn a pathof growth in the life of grace for the couple.It is the anuptial mysterya.69 The meaning andvalue of their physical union is expressed in thewords of consent, in which they accepted andoffered themselves each to the other, in order toshare their lives completely. Those words givemeaning to the sexual relationship and free ita Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1642.a Ibid.68a Catechesis (6 May 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 7 May2015, p. 8.69a Leo the Great, Epistula Rustico Narbonensi Episcopo,Inquis. IV: PL 54, 1205A; cf. Hincmar of Rheims, Epist. 22: PL126, 142.6667

57

from ambiguity. More generally, the commonlife of husband and wife, the entire network ofrelations that they build with their children andthe world around them, will be steeped in andstrengthened by the grace of the sacrament. Forthe sacrament of marriage flows from the incarnation and the paschal mystery, whereby Godshowed the fullness of his love for humanity bybecoming one with us. Neither of the spouseswill be alone in facing whatever challenges maycome their way. Both are called to respond toGodas gift with commitment, creativity, perseverance and daily effort. They can always invokethe assistance of the Holy Spirit who consecrated their union, so that his grace may be felt inevery new situation that they encounter.75.a In the Churchas Latin tradition, the ministers of the sacrament of marriage are theman and the woman who marry;70 by manifesting their consent and expressing it physically, they receive a great gift. Their consent andtheir bodily union are the divinely appointedmeans whereby they become aone flesha. Bytheir baptismal consecration, they were enabledto join in marriage as the Lordas ministers andthus to respond to Godas call. Hence, whentwo non-Christian spouses receive baptism, theyneed not renew their marriage vows; they needaCf. Pius XII, Encyclical Letter Mystici Corporis Christi(29 June 1943): AAS 35 (1943), 202: aMatrimonio enim quo coniugessibi invicem sunt ministri gratiae a|a70

58

simply not reject them, since by the receptionof baptism their union automatically becomessacramental. Canon Law also recognizes the validity of certain unions celebrated without thepresence of an ordained minister.71 The naturalorder has been so imbued with the redemptivegrace of Jesus that aa valid matrimonial contractcannot exist between the baptized without it being by that fact a sacramenta.72 The Church canrequire that the wedding be celebrated publicly,with the presence of witnesses and other conditions that have varied over the course of time,but this does not detract from the fact that thecouple who marry are the ministers of the sacrament. Nor does it affect the centrality of theconsent given by the man and the woman, whichof itself establishes the sacramental bond. Thishaving been said, there is a need for further reflection on Godas action in the marriage rite; thisis clearly manifested in the Oriental Churchesthrough the importance of the blessing that thecouple receive as a sign of the gift of the Spirit.Seeds of the Word and imperfect situations

76.a aThe Gospel of the family also nourishesseeds that are still waiting to grow, and servesas the basis for caring for those plants that area Cf. Code of Canon Law, cc. 1116; 1161-1165; Code ofCanons of the Eastern Churches, 832; 848-852.72a Ibid., c. 1055 ASS2.71

59

wilting and must not be neglected.a73 Thus,building on the gift of Christ in the sacrament,married couples amay be led patiently further onin order to achieve a deeper grasp and a fullerintegration of this mystery in their livesa.7477.a Appealing to the Bibleas teaching that allwas created through Christ and for Christ (cf. Col1:16), the Synod Fathers noted that athe order ofredemption illuminates and fulfils that of creation.Natural marriage, therefore, is fully understoodin the light of its fulfilment in the sacrament ofMatrimony: only in contemplating Christ does aperson come to know the deepest truth about human relationships. aOnly in the mystery of theIncarnate Word does the mystery of man take onlighta| Christ, the new Adam, by the revelationof the mystery of the Father and his love, fullyreveals man to himself and makes his supremecalling cleara (Gaudium et Spes, 22). It is particularly helpful to understand in a Christocentric keya|the good of the spouses (bonum coniugum)a,75which includes unity, openness to life, fidelity,indissolubility and, within Christian marriage,mutual support on the path towards completefriendship with the Lord. aDiscernment of thepresence of aseeds of the Worda in other cultures(cf. Ad Gentes 11) can also apply to the reality ofa Relatio Synodi 2014, 23.a John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio(22 November 1981), 9: AAS 74 (1982), 90.75a Relatio Finalis 2015, 47.7374

60

marriage and the family. In addition to true natural marriage, positive elements exist in the formsof marriage found in other religious traditionsa,76even if, at times, obscurely. We can readily saythat aanyone who wants to bring into this worlda family which teaches children to be excited byevery gesture aimed at overcoming evil a a familywhich shows that the Spirit is alive and at work awill encounter our gratitude and our appreciation.Whatever the people, religion or region to whichthey belong!a7778.a aThe light of Christ enlightens every person(cf. Jn 1:9; Gaudium et Spes, 22). Seeing things withthe eyes of Christ inspires the Churchas pastoralcare for the faithful who are living together, or areonly married civilly, or are divorced and remarried. Following this divine pedagogy, the Churchturns with love to those who participate in herlife in an imperfect manner: she seeks the graceof conversion for them; she encourages them todo good, to take loving care of each other andto serve the community in which they live andworka| When a couple in an irregular union attains a noteworthy stability through a public bonda and is characterized by deep affection, responsibility towards the children and the ability to overcome trials a this can be seen as an opportunity,a Ibid.a Homily for the Concluding Mass of the Eighth World Meetingof Families in Philadelphia (27 September 2015): LaOsservatoreRomano, 28-29 September 2015, p. 7.7677

61

where possible, to lead them to celebrate thesacrament of Matrimonya.7879.a aWhen faced with difficult situations andwounded families, it is always necessary to recallthis general principle: aPastors must know that,for the sake of truth, they are obliged to exercise careful discernment of situationsa (FamiliarisConsortio, 84). The degree of responsibility isnot equal in all cases and factors may exist whichlimit the ability to make a decision. Therefore,while clearly stating the Churchas teaching, pastors are to avoid judgements that do not take intoaccount the complexity of various situations, andthey are to be attentive, by necessity, to how people experience and endure distress because oftheir conditiona.79The transmission of life and the rearing ofchildren

80.a Marriage is firstly an aintimate partnership of life and lovea80 which is a good for thespouses themselves,81 while sexuality is aorderedto the conjugal love of man and womana.82 Ita Relatio Finalis 2015, 53-54.a Ibid., 51.80aSecond Vatican Ecumenical Council, PastoralConstitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium etSpes, 48.81a Cf. Code of Canon Law, c. 1055 ASS 1: aad bonum coniugumatque ad prolis generationem et educationem ordinatuma.82a Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2360.7879

62

follows that aspouses to whom God has notgranted children can have a conjugal life full ofmeaning, in both human and Christian termsa.83Nonetheless, the conjugal union is ordered toprocreation aby its very naturea.84 The childwho is born adoes not come from outside assomething added on to the mutual love of thespouses, but springs from the very heart of thatmutual giving, as its fruit and fulfilmenta.85 Heor she does not appear at the end of a process,but is present from the beginning of love asan essential feature, one that cannot be deniedwithout disfiguring that love itself. From theoutset, love refuses every impulse to close in onitself; it is open to a fruitfulness that draws itbeyond itself. Hence no genital act of husbandand wife can refuse this meaning,86 even whenfor various reasons it may not always in fact beget a new life.81.a A child deserves to be born of that love,and not by any other means, for ahe or she is notsomething owed to one, but is a gifta,87 whichis athe fruit of the specific act of the conjugala Ibid., 1654.a Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, PastoralConstitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium etSpes, 48.85a Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2366.86aCf. Paul VI, Encyclical Letter Humanae Vitae (25 July1968), 11-12: AAS 60 (1968), 488-489.87a Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2378.8384

63

love of the parentsa.88 This is the case because,aaccording to the order of creation, conjugallove between a man and a woman, and thetransmission of life are ordered to each other(cf. Gen 1:27-28). Thus the Creator made manand woman share in the work of his creationand, at the same time, made them instrumentsof his love, entrusting to them the responsibility for the future of mankind, through the transmission of human lifea.8982.a The Synod Fathers stated that athe growthof a mentality that would reduce the generationof human life to one variable of an individualas or a coupleas plans is clearly evidenta.90 TheChurchas teaching is meant to ahelp couples toexperience in a complete, harmonious and conscious way their communion as husband and wife,together with their responsibility for procreatinglife. We need to return to the message of theEncyclical Humanae Vitae of Blessed Pope PaulVI, which highlights the need to respect the dignity of the person in morally assessing methodsof regulating birtha| The choice of adoption orfoster parenting can also express that fruitfulnesswhich is a characteristic of married lifea.91 Withspecial gratitude the Church asupports familiesa Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith,Instruction Donum Vitae (22 February 1987), II, 8: AAS 80(1988), 97.89a Relatio Finalis 2015, 63.90a Relatio Synodi 2014, 57.91a Ibid., 58.88

64

who accept, raise and surround with affectionchildren with various disabilitiesa.9283.a Here I feel it urgent to state that, if thefamily is the sanctuary of life, the place wherelife is conceived and cared for, it is a horrendouscontradiction when it becomes a place where lifeis rejected and destroyed. So great is the valueof a human life, and so inalienable the right tolife of an innocent child growing in the motheraswomb, that no alleged right to oneas own bodycan justify a decision to terminate that life, whichis an end in itself and which can never be considered the apropertya of another human being.The family protects human life in all its stages,including its last. Consequently, athose whowork in healthcare facilities are reminded of themoral duty of conscientious objection. Similarly,the Church not only feels the urgency to assertthe right to a natural death, without aggressivetreatment and euthanasiaa, but likewise afirmlyrejects the death penaltya.9384.a The Synod Fathers also wished to emphasize that aone of the fundamental challenges facing families today is undoubtedly that of raisingchildren, made all the more difficult and complexby todayas cultural reality and the powerful influence of the mediaa.94 aThe Church assumes aa Ibid., 57.a Relatio Finalis 2015, 64.94a Relatio Synodi 2014, 60.9293

65

valuable role in supporting families, starting withChristian initiation, through welcoming communitiesa.95 At the same time I feel it important toreiterate that the overall education of children isa amost serious dutya and at the same time a aprimary righta of parents.96 This is not just a taskor a burden, but an essential and inalienable rightthat parents are called to defend and of which noone may claim to deprive them. The State offerseducational programmes in a subsidiary way, supporting the parents in their indeclinable role; parents themselves enjoy the right to choose freelythe kind of education a accessible and of goodquality a which they wish to give their childrenin accordance with their convictions. Schools donot replace parents, but complement them. Thisis a basic principle: aall other participants in theprocess of education are only able to carry outtheir responsibilities in the name of the parents,with their consent and, to a certain degree, withtheir authorizationa.97 Still, aa rift has opened upbetween the family and society, between familyand the school; the educational pact today hasbeen broken and thus the educational alliancebetween society and the family is in crisisa.98a Ibid., 61a Code of Canon Law, c. 1136; cf. Code of Canons ofthe Eastern Churches, 627.97a Pontifical Council for the Family, The Truth andMeaning of Human Sexuality (8 December 1995), 23.98a Catechesis (20 May 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 21 May2015, p. 8.9596

66

85.a The Church is called to cooperate with parents through suitable pastoral initiatives, assistingthem in the fulfilment of their educational mission. She must always do this by helping themto appreciate their proper role and to realize thatby their reception of the sacrament of marriage they become ministers of their childrenaseducation. In educating them, they build up theChurch,99 and in so doing, they accept a Godgiven vocation.100The family and the Church

86.a aWith inner joy and deep comfort, theChurch looks to the families who remain faithful to the teachings of the Gospel, encouragingthem and thanking them for the testimony theyoffer. For they bear witness, in a credible way, tothe beauty of marriage as indissoluble and perpetually faithful. Within the family awhich couldbe called a domestic churcha (Lumen Gentium, 11),individuals enter upon an ecclesial experienceof communion among persons, which reflects,through grace, the mystery of the Holy Trinity.aHere one learns endurance and the joy of work,fraternal love, generous a even repeated a forgiveness, and above all divine worship in prayer99a John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio(28 November 1981) 38: AAS 74 (1982), 129.100aCf. Address to the Diocesan Conference of Rome (14 June2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 15-16 June 2015, p. 8.

67

and the offering of oneas lifea (Catechism of theCatholic Church, 1657)a.10187.a The Church is a family of families, constantly enriched by the lives of all those domesticchurches. aIn virtue of the sacrament of matrimony, every family becomes, in effect, a good forthe Church. From this standpoint, reflecting onthe interplay between the family and the Churchwill prove a precious gift for the Church in ourtime. The Church is good for the family, and thefamily is good for the Church. The safeguardingof the Lordas gift in the sacrament of matrimonyis a concern not only of individual families butof the entire Christian communitya.10288.a The experience of love in families is aperennial source of strength for the life ofthe Church. aThe unitive end of marriage is aconstant summons to make this love grow anddeepen. Through their union in love, the coupleexperiences the beauty of fatherhood and motherhood, and shares plans, trials, expectations andconcerns; they learn care for one another andmutual forgiveness. In this love, they celebratetheir happy moments and support each otherin the difficult passages of their life togethera|The beauty of this mutual, gratuitous gift, the joywhich comes from a life that is born and the loving care of all family members a from toddlersa Relatio Synodi 2014, 23.a Relatio Finalis 2015, 52.

101102

68

to seniors a are just a few of the fruits whichmake the response to the vocation of the familyunique and irreplaceablea,103 both for the Churchand for society as a whole.

a Ibid., 49-50.

103

69

CHAPTER FOUR

LOVE IN MARRIAGE89.a All that has been said so far would be insufficient to express the Gospel of marriage andthe family, were we not also to speak of love. Forwe cannot encourage a path of fidelity and mutual self-giving without encouraging the growth,strengthening and deepening of conjugal andfamily love. Indeed, the grace of the sacramentof marriage is intended before all else ato perfectthe coupleas lovea.104 Here too we can say that,aeven if I have faith so as to remove mountains,but have not love, I am nothing. If I give allI have, and if I deliver my body to be burned,but have not love, I gain nothinga (1 Cor 13:2-3).The word alovea, however, is commonly usedand often misused.105Our daily love

90.a In a lyrical passage of Saint Paul, we seesome of the features of true love:aLove is patient,love is kind;a Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1641.a Cf. Benedict XVI, Encyclical Letter Deus Caritas Est(25 December 2005), 2: AAS 98 (2006), 218.104105

71

love is not jealous or boastful;it is not arrogant or rude.Love does not insist on its own way,it is not irritable or resentful;it does not rejoice at wrong,but rejoices in the right.Love bears all things,believes all things,hopes all things,endures all thingsa (1 Cor 13:4-7).Love is experienced and nurtured in thedaily life of couples and their children. It is helpful to think more deeply about the meaning ofthis Pauline text and its relevance for the concrete situation of every family.Love is patient

91.a The first word used is makrothymA(c)i. Thisdoes not simply have to do with aenduring allthingsa, because we find that idea expressed atthe end of the seventh verse. Its meaning isclarified by the Greek translation of the OldTestament, where we read that God is aslow toangera (Ex 34:6; Num 14:18). It refers, then,to the quality of one who does not act on impulse and avoids giving offense. We find thisquality in the God of the Covenant, who callsus to imitate him also within the life of thefamily. Saint Paulas texts using this word needto be read in the light of the Book of Wisdom(cf. 11:23; 12:2, 15-18), which extols Godas72

restraint, as leaving open the possibility of repentance, yet insists on his power, as revealed inhis acts of mercy. Godas apatiencea, shown inhis mercy towards sinners, is a sign of his realpower.92.a Being patient does not mean letting ourselves be constantly mistreated, tolerating physical aggression or allowing other people to useus. We encounter problems whenever we thinkthat relationships or people ought to be perfect,or when we put ourselves at the centre and expect things to turn out our way. Then everythingmakes us impatient, everything makes us reactaggressively. Unless we cultivate patience, wewill always find excuses for responding angrily. We will end up incapable of living together,antisocial, unable to control our impulses, andour families will become battlegrounds. That iswhy the word of God tells us: aLet all bitternessand wrath and anger and clamour and slander beput away from you, with all malicea (Eph 4:31).Patience takes root when I recognize that other people also have a right to live in this world,just as they are. It does not matter if they holdme back, if they unsettle my plans, or annoy meby the way they act or think, or if they are noteverything I want them to be. Love always hasan aspect of deep compassion that leads to accepting the other person as part of this world,even when he or she acts differently than I wouldlike.73

Love is at the service of others

93.a The next word that Paul uses is chrestA(c)uetai.The word is used only here in the entire Bible. Itis derived from chrestA3s: a good person, one whoshows his goodness by his deeds. Here, in strictparallelism with the preceding verb, it serves asa complement. Paul wants to make it clear thatapatiencea is not a completely passive attitude,but one accompanied by activity, by a dynamicand creative interaction with others. The wordindicates that love benefits and helps others. Forthis reason it is translated as akinda; love is everready to be of assistance.94.a Throughout the text, it is clear that Paulwants to stress that love is more than a mere feeling. Rather, it should be understood along thelines of the Hebrew verb ato lovea; it is ato dogooda. As Saint Ignatius of Loyola said, aLoveis shown more by deeds than by wordsa.106 Itthus shows its fruitfulness and allows us to experience the happiness of giving, the nobilityand grandeur of spending ourselves unstintingly, without asking to be repaid, purely for thepleasure of giving and serving.Love is not jealous

95.a Saint Paul goes on to reject as contrary tolove an attitude expressed by the verb zelA3i a to bea Spiritual Exercises, Contemplation to Attain Love (230).

106

74

jealous or envious. This means that love has noroom for discomfiture at another personas good fortune (cf. Acts 7:9; 17:5). Envy is a form of sadnessprovoked by anotheras prosperity; it shows that weare not concerned for the happiness of others butonly with our own well-being. Whereas love makesus rise above ourselves, envy closes us in on ourselves. True love values the other personas achievements. It does not see him or her as a threat. Itfrees us from the sour taste of envy. It recognizesthat everyone has different gifts and a unique pathin life. So it strives to discover its own road to happiness, while allowing others to find theirs.96.a In a word, love means fulfilling the last twocommandments of Godas Law: aYou shall notcovet your neighbouras house; you shall not covetyour neighbouras wife, or his manservant, or hismaidservant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anythingthat is your neighbourasa (Ex 20:17). Love inspires a sincere esteem for every human being andthe recognition of his or her own right to happiness. I love this person, and I see him or her withthe eyes of God, who gives us everything afor ourenjoymenta (1 Tim 6:17). As a result, I feel a deepsense of happiness and peace. This same deeply rooted love also leads me to reject the injusticewhereby some possess too much and others toolittle. It moves me to find ways of helping societyas outcasts to find a modicum of joy. That is notenvy, but the desire for equality.75

Love is not boastful

97.a The following word, perpereAoetai, denotesvainglory, the need to be haughty, pedantic andsomewhat pushy. Those who love not only refrain from speaking too much about themselves,but are focused on others; they do not need tobe the centre of attention. The word that comesnext a physioAotai a is similar, indicating that loveis not arrogant. Literally, it means that we donot become apuffed upa before others. It alsopoints to something more subtle: an obsessionwith showing off and a loss of a sense of reality.Such people think that, because they are moreaspirituala or awisea, they are more importantthan they really are. Paul uses this verb on other occasions, as when he says that aknowledgepuffs upa, whereas alove builds upa (1 Cor 8:1).Some think that they are important because theyare more knowledgeable than others; they wantto lord it over them. Yet what really makes usimportant is a love that understands, shows concern, and embraces the weak. Elsewhere theword is used to criticize those who are ainflatedawith their own importance (cf. 1 Cor 4:18) but infact are filled more with empty words than thereal apowera of the Spirit (cf. 1 Cor 4:19).98.a It is important for Christians to show theirlove by the way they treat family members whoare less knowledgeable about the faith, weak orless sure in their convictions. At times the opposite occurs: the supposedly mature believers76

within the family become unbearably arrogant.Love, on the other hand, is marked by humility;if we are to understand, forgive and serve othersfrom the heart, our pride has to be healed andour humility must increase. Jesus told his disciples that in a world where power prevails, eachtries to dominate the other, but ait shall not beso among youa (Mt 20:26). The inner logic ofChristian love is not about importance and power; rather, awhoever would be first among youmust be your slavea (Mt 20:27). In family life, thelogic of domination and competition about whois the most intelligent or powerful destroys love.Saint Peteras admonition also applies to the family: aClothe yourselves, all of you, with humility towards one another, for aGod opposes theproud, but gives grace to the humbleaa (1 Pet 5:5).Love is not rude

99.a To love is also to be gentle and thoughtful,and this is conveyed by the next word, aschemonA(c)i.It indicates that love is not rude or impolite; itis not harsh. Its actions, words and gestures arepleasing and not abrasive or rigid. Love abhorsmaking others suffer. Courtesy ais a school ofsensitivity and disinterestednessa which requires aperson ato develop his or her mind and feelings,learning how to listen, to speak and, at certaintimes, to keep quieta.107 It is not something that a

a Octavio Paz, La llama doble, Barcelona, 1993, 35.

107

77

Christian may accept or reject. As an essential requirement of love, aevery human being is boundto live agreeably with those around hima.108 Everyday, aentering into the life of another, even whenthat person already has a part to play in our life,demands the sensitivity and restraint which canrenew trust and respect. Indeed, the deeper loveis, the more it calls for respect for the otheras freedom and the ability to wait until the other opensthe door to his or her hearta.109100.a To be open to a genuine encounter withothers, aa kind looka is essential. This is incompatible with a negative attitude that readily pointsout other peopleas shortcomings while overlooking oneas own. A kind look helps us to see beyond our own limitations, to be patient and tocooperate with others, despite our differences.Loving kindness builds bonds, cultivates relationships, creates new networks of integration andknits a firm social fabric. In this way, it growsever stronger, for without a sense of belongingwe cannot sustain a commitment to others; weend up seeking our convenience alone and lifein common becomes impossible. Antisocialpersons think that others exist only for the satisfaction of their own needs. Consequently, thereis no room for the gentleness of love and itsa Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae II-II, q. 114, art.

108

2, ad 1.

aCatechesis (13 May 2005): LaOsservatore Romano, 14May 2015, p. 8.109

78

expression. Those who love are capable of speaking words of comfort, strength, consolation, andencouragement. These were the words that Jesushimself spoke: aTake heart, my son!a (Mt 9:2);aGreat is your faith!a (Mt 15:28); aArise!a (Mk5:41); aGo in peacea (Lk 7:50); aBe not afraida(Mt 14:27). These are not words that demean,sadden, anger or show scorn. In our families, wemust learn to imitate Jesusa own gentleness in ourway of speaking to one another.Love is generous

101.a We have repeatedly said that to love another we must first love ourselves. Paulas hymnto love, however, states that love adoes not seekits own interesta, nor aseek what is its owna.This same idea is expressed in another text: aLeteach of you look not only to his own interests,but also to the interests of othersa (Phil 2:4).The Bible makes it clear that generously servingothers is far more noble than loving ourselves.Loving ourselves is only important as a psychological prerequisite for being able to love others:aIf a man is mean to himself, to whom will he begenerous? No one is meaner than the man whois grudging to himself a (Sir 14:5-6).102.a Saint Thomas Aquinas explains that aitis more proper to charity to desire to love than79

to desire to be loveda;110 indeed, amothers, whoare those who love the most, seek to love morethan to be loveda.111 Consequently, love cantranscend and overflow the demands of justice,aexpecting nothing in returna (Lk 6:35), and thegreatest of loves can lead to alaying down oneaslifea for another (cf. Jn 15:13). Can such generosity, which enables us to give freely and fully,really be possible? Yes, because it is demandedby the Gospel: aYou received without pay, givewithout paya (Mt 10:8).Love is not irritable or resentful

103.a If the first word of Paulas hymn spoke ofthe need for a patience that does not immediately react harshly to the weaknesses and faultsof others, the word he uses next a paroxA1/2netai ahas to do more with an interior indignation provoked by something from without. It refers toa violent reaction within, a hidden irritation thatsets us on edge where others are concerned, as ifthey were troublesome or threatening and thusto be avoided. To nurture such interior hostilityhelps no one. It only causes hurt and alienation.Indignation is only healthy when it makes usreact to a grave injustice; when it permeates ourattitude towards others it is harmful.a Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae, II-II, q. 27, art. 1,

110

ad 2.

80

a Ibid., q. 27, art. 1.

111

104.a The Gospel tells us to look to the log inour own eye (cf. Mt 7:5). Christians cannot ignore the persistent admonition of Godas wordnot to nurture anger: aDo not be overcome byevila (Rm 12:21). aLet us not grow weary in doing gooda (Gal 6:9). It is one thing to sense asudden surge of hostility and another to give intoit, letting it take root in our hearts: aBe angrybut do not sin; do not let the sun go down onyour angera (Eph 4:26). My advice is never to letthe day end without making peace in the family.aAnd how am I going to make peace? By gettingdown on my knees? No! Just by a small gesture,a little something, and harmony within your family will be restored. Just a little caress, no wordsare necessary. But do not let the day end without making peace in your familya.112 Our firstreaction when we are annoyed should be one ofheartfelt blessing, asking God to bless, free andheal that person. aOn the contrary bless, for tothis you have been called, that you may obtain ablessinga (1 Pet 3:9). If we must fight evil, so beit; but we must always say anoa to violence in thehome.Love forgives

105.a Once we allow ill will to take root in ourhearts, it leads to deep resentment. The phraseou logAzetai to kakA3n means that love atakes noaCatechesis (13 May 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 14May 2015, p. 8.112

81

account of evila; ait is not resentfula. The opposite of resentment is forgiveness, which is rootedin a positive attitude that seeks to understandother peopleas weaknesses and to excusethem. As Jesus said, aFather, forgive them; forthey know not what they doa (Lk 23:34). Yetwe keep looking for more and more faults,imagining greater evils, presuming all kinds ofbad intentions, and so resentment grows anddeepens. Thus, every mistake or lapse on thepart of a spouse can harm the bond of love andthe stability of the family. Something is wrongwhen we see every problem as equally serious; inthis way, we risk being unduly harsh with the failings of others. The just desire to see our rightsrespected turns into a thirst for vengeance ratherthan a reasoned defence of our dignity.106.a When we have been offended or let down,forgiveness is possible and desirable, but no onecan say that it is easy. The truth is that afamilycommunion can only be preserved and perfectedthrough a great spirit of sacrifice. It requires,in fact, a ready and generous openness of eachand all to understanding, to forbearance, to pardon, to reconciliation. There is no family thatdoes not know how selfishness, discord, tensionand conflict violently attack and at times mortally wound its own communion: hence there arise82

the many and varied forms of division in familylifea.113107.a Today we recognize that being able to forgive others implies the liberating experience ofunderstanding and forgiving ourselves. Oftenour mistakes, or criticism we have received fromloved ones, can lead to a loss of self-esteem. Webecome distant from others, avoiding affectionand fearful in our interpersonal relationships.Blaming others becomes falsely reassuring. Weneed to learn to pray over our past history, toaccept ourselves, to learn how to live with ourlimitations, and even to forgive ourselves, inorder to have this same attitude towards others.108.a All this assumes that we ourselves havehad the experience of being forgiven by God,justified by his grace and not by our own merits.We have known a love that is prior to any of ourown efforts, a love that constantly opens doors,promotes and encourages. If we accept thatGodas love is unconditional, that the Fatheras lovecannot be bought or sold, then we will becomecapable of showing boundless love and forgivingothers even if they have wronged us. Otherwise,our family life will no longer be a place of understanding, support and encouragement, but ratherone of constant tension and mutual criticism.a John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation FamiliarisConsortio (22 November 1981), 21: AAS 74 (1982), 106.113

83

Love rejoices with others

109.a The expression chaArei epA! te adikAa has todo with a negativity lurking deep within a personas heart. It is the toxic attitude of those whorejoice at seeing an injustice done to others. Thefollowing phrase expresses its opposite: sygchaArei tealetheAa: ait rejoices in the righta. In other words,we rejoice at the good of others when we see theirdignity and value their abilities and good works.This is impossible for those who must always becomparing and competing, even with their spouse,so that they secretly rejoice in their failures.110.a When a loving person can do good forothers, or sees that others are happy, they themselves live happily and in this way give glory toGod, for aGod loves a cheerful givera (2 Cor 9:7).Our Lord especially appreciates those who findjoy in the happiness of others. If we fail to learnhow to rejoice in the well-being of others, and focus primarily on our own needs, we condemn ourselves to a joyless existence, for, as Jesus said, ait ismore blessed to give than to receivea (Acts 20:35).The family must always be a place where, whensomething good happens to one of its members,they know that others will be there to celebrate itwith them.Love bears all things

believes all things, hopes all things, endures allthings. Here we see clearly the counterculturalpower of a love that is able to face whatevermight threaten it.112.a First, Paul says that love abears all thingsa(panta stA(c)gei). This is about more than simply putting up with evil; it has to do with the use of thetongue. The verb can mean aholding oneas peaceaabout what may be wrong with another person.It implies limiting judgment, checking the impulse to issue a firm and ruthless condemnation:aJudge not and you will not be judgeda (Lk 6:37).Although it runs contrary to the way we normally use our tongues, Godas word tells us: aDo notspeak evil against one another, brothers and sistersa (Jas 4:11). Being willing to speak ill of another person is a way of asserting ourselves, venting resentment and envy without concern for theharm we may do. We often forget that slandercan be quite sinful; it is a grave offense againstGod when it seriously harms another personasgood name and causes damage that is hard torepair. Hence Godas word forthrightly states thatthe tongue ais a world of iniquitya that astainsthe whole bodya (Jas 3:6); it is a arestless evil,full of deadly poisona (3:8). Whereas the tonguecan be used to acurse those who are made in thelikeness of Goda (3:9), love cherishes the goodname of others, even oneas enemies. In seekingto uphold Godas law we must never forget thisspecific requirement of love.85

113.a Married couples joined by love speak wellof each other; they try to show their spouseasgood side, not their weakness and faults. Inany event, they keep silent rather than speak illof them. This is not merely a way of acting infront of others; it springs from an interior attitude. Far from ingenuously claiming not to seethe problems and weaknesses of others, it seesthose weaknesses and faults in a wider context.It recognizes that these failings are a part of abigger picture. We have to realize that all of usare a complex mixture of light and shadows. Theother person is much more than the sum of thelittle things that annoy me. Love does not haveto be perfect for us to value it. The other personloves me as best they can, with all their limits, butthe fact that love is imperfect does not mean thatit is untrue or unreal. It is real, albeit limited andearthly. If I expect too much, the other personwill let me know, for he or she can neither playGod nor serve all my needs. Love coexists withimperfection. It abears all thingsa and can holdits peace before the limitations of the loved one.Love believes all things

114.a Panta pisteAoei. Love believes all things.Here abelief a is not to be taken in its strict theological meaning, but more in the sense of whatwe mean by atrusta. This goes beyond simplypresuming that the other is not lying or cheating.Such basic trust recognizes Godas light shining86

beyond the darkness, like an ember glowing beneath the ash.115.a This trust enables a relationship to be free.It means we do not have to control the other person, to follow their every step lest they escape ourgrip. Love trusts, it sets free, it does not try tocontrol, possess and dominate everything. Thisfreedom, which fosters independence, an openness to the world around us and to new experiences, can only enrich and expand relationships.The spouses then share with one another thejoy of all they have received and learned outsidethe family circle. At the same time, this freedom makes for sincerity and transparency, forthose who know that they are trusted and appreciated can be open and hide nothing. Thosewho know that their spouse is always suspicious,judgmental and lacking unconditional love, willtend to keep secrets, conceal their failings andweaknesses, and pretend to be someone otherthan who they are. On the other hand, a familymarked by loving trust, come what may, helps itsmembers to be themselves and spontaneously toreject deceit, falsehood, and lies.Love hopes all things

116.a Panta elpAzei. Love does not despair of thefuture. Following upon what has just been said,this phrase speaks of the hope of one who knowsthat others can change, mature and radiate unexpected beauty and untold potential. This does87

not mean that everything will change in this life.It does involve realizing that, though thingsmay not always turn out as we wish, God maywell make crooked lines straight and draw somegood from the evil we endure in this world.117.a Here hope comes most fully into itsown, for it embraces the certainty of life afterdeath. Each person, with all his or her failings,is called to the fullness of life in heaven. There,fully transformed by Christas resurrection, everyweakness, darkness and infirmity will pass away.There the personas true being will shine forth inall its goodness and beauty. This realization helpsus, amid the aggravations of this present life, tosee each person from a supernatural perspective,in the light of hope, and await the fullness that heor she will receive in the heavenly kingdom, evenif it is not yet visible.Love endures all things

118.a Panta hypomA(c)nei. This means that lovebears every trial with a positive attitude. It standsfirm in hostile surroundings. This aenduranceainvolves not only the ability to tolerate certainaggravations, but something greater: a constantreadiness to confront any challenge. It is a lovethat never gives up, even in the darkest hour. Itshows a certain dogged heroism, a power toresist every negative current, an irrepressiblecommitment to goodness. Here I think of thewords of Martin Luther King, who met every88

kind of trial and tribulation with fraternal love:aThe person who hates you most has some goodin him; even the nation that hates you most hassome good in it; even the race that hates youmost has some good in it. And when you cometo the point that you look in the face of everyman and see deep down within him what religion calls athe image of Goda, you begin to lovehim in spite of [everything]. No matter whathe does, you see Godas image there. There isan element of goodness that he can never sluffoffa| Another way that you love your enemyis this: when the opportunity presents itself foryou to defeat your enemy, that is the time whichyou must not do ita| When you rise to the levelof love, of its great beauty and power, you seekonly to defeat evil systems. Individuals whohappen to be caught up in that system, you love,but you seek to defeat the systema| Hate forhate only intensifies the existence of hate andevil in the universe. If I hit you and you hit meand I hit you back and you hit me back and soon, you see, that goes on ad infinitum. It justnever ends. Somewhere somebody must havea little sense, and thatas the strong person. Thestrong person is the person who can cut off thechain of hate, the chain of evila| Somebodymust have religion enough and morality enoughto cut it off and inject within the very structure89

of the universe that strong and powerful element of lovea.114119.a In family life, we need to cultivate thatstrength of love which can help us fight everyevil threatening it. Love does not yield to resentment, scorn for others or the desire to hurt orto gain some advantage. The Christian ideal, especially in families, is a love that never gives up.I am sometimes amazed to see men or womenwho have had to separate from their spouse fortheir own protection, yet, because of their enduring conjugal love, still try to help them, evenby enlisting others, in their moments of illness,suffering or trial. Here too we see a love thatnever gives up.Growing in conjugal love

passion, and endures long after emotions andpassion subside. Pope Pius XI taught that thislove permeates the duties of married life and enjoys pride of place.117 Infused by the Holy Spirit,this powerful love is a reflection of the unbrokencovenant between Christ and humanity that culminated in his self-sacrifice on the cross. aTheSpirit which the Lord pours forth gives a newheart and renders man and woman capable ofloving one another as Christ loved us. Conjugallove reaches that fullness to which it is interiorlyordained: conjugal charity.a118121.a Marriage is a precious sign, for awhen aman and a woman celebrate the sacrament ofmarriage, God is, as it were, amirroreda in them;he impresses in them his own features and the indelible character of his love. Marriage is the iconof Godas love for us. Indeed, God is also communion: the three Persons of the Father, the Sonand the Holy Spirit live eternally in perfect unity. And this is precisely the mystery of marriage:God makes of the two spouses one single existencea.119 This has concrete daily consequences,because the spouses, ain virtue of the sacrament,are invested with a true and proper mission, sothat, starting with the simple ordinary things ofa Encyclical Letter Casti Connubii (31 December 1930):AAS 22 (1930), 547-548.118a John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation FamiliarisConsortio (22 November 1981) 13: AAS 74 (1982), 94.119a Catechesis (2 April 2014): LaOsservatore Romano, 3 April2014, p. 8.117

91

life they can make visible the love with whichChrist loves his Church and continues to give hislife for hera.120122.a We should not however confuse differentlevels: there is no need to lay upon two limitedpersons the tremendous burden of having toreproduce perfectly the union existing betweenChrist and his Church, for marriage as a signentails aa dynamic processa|, one which advances gradually with the progressive integration ofthe gifts of Goda.121Lifelong sharing

123.a After the love that unites us to God, conjugal love is the agreatest form of friendshipa.122It is a union possessing all the traits of a goodfriendship: concern for the good of the other,reciprocity, intimacy, warmth, stability and theresemblance born of a shared life. Marriage joinsto all this an indissoluble exclusivity expressed inthe stable commitment to share and shape together the whole of life. Let us be honest andacknowledge the signs that this is the case.Lovers do not see their relationship as merely temporary. Those who marry do not expecta Ibid.a John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation FamiliarisConsortio (22 November 1981), 9: AAS 75 (1982), 90.122a Thomas Aquinas, Summa Contra Gentiles III, 123; cf.Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, 8, 12 (ed. Bywater, Oxford, 1984,174).120121

92

their excitement to fade. Those who witness thecelebration of a loving union, however fragile,trust that it will pass the test of time. Childrennot only want their parents to love one another, butalso to be faithful and remain together. Theseand similar signs show that it is in the very natureof conjugal love to be definitive. The lastingunion expressed by the marriage vows is morethan a formality or a traditional formula; it isrooted in the natural inclinations of the humanperson. For believers, it is also a covenant beforeGod that calls for fidelity: aThe Lord was witness to the covenant between you and the wifeof your youth, to whom you have been faithless,though she is your companion and your wife bycovenanta| Let none be faithless to the wifeof his youth. For I hate divorce, says the Lorda(Mal 2:14-16).124.a A love that is weak or infirm, incapable ofaccepting marriage as a challenge to be taken upand fought for, reborn, renewed and reinventeduntil death, cannot sustain a great commitment.It will succumb to the culture of the ephemeralthat prevents a constant process of growth. Yetapromising love for ever is possible when we perceive a plan bigger than our own ideas and undertakings, a plan which sustains us and enablesus to surrender our future entirely to the one welovea.123 If this love is to overcome all trials anda Encyclical Letter Lumen Fidei (29 June 2013), 52: AAS105 (2013), 590.123

93

remain faithful in the face of everything, it needsthe gift of grace to strengthen and elevate it. Inthe words of Saint Robert Bellarmine, athe factthat one man unites with one woman in an indissoluble bond, and that they remain inseparabledespite every kind of difficulty, even when thereis no longer hope for children, can only be thesign of a great mysterya.124125.a Marriage is likewise a friendship markedby passion, but a passion always directed to anever more stable and intense union. This is because amarriage was not instituted solely for theprocreation of childrena but also that mutuallove amight be properly expressed, that it shouldgrow and maturea.125 This unique friendship between a man and a woman acquires an all-encompassing character only within the conjugal union.Precisely as all-encompassing, this union is alsoexclusive, faithful and open to new life. It shareseverything in constant mutual respect. The Second Vatican Council echoed this by stating thatasuch a love, bringing together the human andthe divine, leads the partners to a free and mutualself-giving, experienced in tenderness and action,and permeating their entire livesa.126a De sacramento matrimonii, I, 2; in Id., Disputationes, III, 5,3 (ed. Giuliano, Naples, 1858), 778.125a Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, PastoralConstitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium etSpes, 50.126a Ibid., 49.124

94

Joy and beauty

126.a In marriage, the joy of love needs to becultivated. When the search for pleasure becomes obsessive, it holds us in thrall and keepsus from experiencing other satisfactions. Joy, onthe other hand, increases our pleasure and helpsus find fulfilment in any number of things, evenat those times of life when physical pleasure hasebbed. Saint Thomas Aquinas said that the wordajoya refers to an expansion of the heart.127 Marital joy can be experienced even amid sorrow; itinvolves accepting that marriage is an inevitablemixture of enjoyment and struggles, tensionsand repose, pain and relief, satisfactions andlongings, annoyances and pleasures, but alwayson the path of friendship, which inspires marriedcouples to care for one another: athey help andserve each othera.128127.a The love of friendship is called acharityawhen it perceives and esteems the agreat worthaof another person.129 Beauty a that agreat worthawhich is other than physical or psychologicalappeal a enables us to appreciate the sacrednessof a person, without feeling the need to possessit. In a consumerist society, the sense of beautyis impoverished and so joy fades. Everything isaCf. Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 31, art. 3., ad 3.a Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, PastoralConstitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium etSpes, 48.129aCf. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 26, art. 3.127128

95

there to be purchased, possessed or consumed,including people. Tenderness, on the other hand,is a sign of a love free of selfish possessiveness.It makes us approach a person with immense respect and a certain dread of causing them harmor taking away their freedom. Loving anotherperson involves the joy of contemplating andappreciating their innate beauty and sacredness,which is greater than my needs. This enables meto seek their good even when they cannot belongto me, or when they are no longer physically appealing but intrusive and annoying. For athe loveby which one person is pleasing to another depends on his or her giving something freelya.130128.a The aesthetic experience of love is expressed in that agazea which contemplates other persons as ends in themselves, even if theyare infirm, elderly or physically unattractive. Alook of appreciation has enormous importance,and to begrudge it is usually hurtful. How manythings do spouses and children sometimes do inorder to be noticed! Much hurt and many problems result when we stop looking at one another.This lies behind the complaints and grievanceswe often hear in families: aMy husband does notlook at me; he acts as if I were invisiblea. aPleaselook at me when I am talking to you!a. aMy wifeno longer looks at me, she only has eyes forour childrena. aIn my own home nobody caresa Ibid., q. 110, art. 1.

130

96

about me; they do not even see me; it is as if Idid not exista. Love opens our eyes and enablesus to see, beyond all else, the great worth of ahuman being.129.a The joy of this contemplative love needsto be cultivated. Since we were made for love,we know that there is no greater joy than thatof sharing good things: aGive, take, and treatyourself wella (Sir 14:16). The most intensejoys in life arise when we are able to elicit joy inothers, as a foretaste of heaven. We can think ofthe lovely scene in the film Babetteas Feast, whenthe generous cook receives a grateful hug andpraise: aAh, how you will delight the angels!a It is ajoy and a great consolation to bring delight toothers, to see them enjoying themselves. Thisjoy, the fruit of fraternal love, is not that of thevain and self-centred, but of lovers who delightin the good of those whom they love, who givefreely to them and thus bear good fruit.130.a On the other hand, joy also grows throughpain and sorrow. In the words of Saint Augustine, athe greater the danger in battle the greater is the joy of victorya.131 After suffering andstruggling together, spouses are able to experience that it was worth it, because they achievedsome good, learned something as a couple, orcame to appreciate what they have. Few humana Augustine, Confessions, VIII, III, 7: PL 32, 752.

131

97

joys are as deep and thrilling as those experienced by two people who love one another andhave achieved something as the result of a great,shared effort.Marrying for love

131.a I would like to say to young people thatnone of this is jeopardized when their love findsexpression in marriage. Their union encountersin this institution the means to ensure that theirlove truly will endure and grow. Naturally, loveis much more than an outward consent or a contract, yet it is nonetheless true that choosing togive marriage a visible form in society by undertaking certain commitments shows how important it is. It manifests the seriousness of eachpersonas identification with the other and theirfirm decision to leave adolescent individualismbehind and to belong to one another. Marriageis a means of expressing that we have truly leftthe security of the home in which we grew up inorder to build other strong ties and to take on anew responsibility for another person. This ismuch more meaningful than a mere spontaneousassociation for mutual gratification, which wouldturn marriage into a purely private affair. As asocial institution, marriage protects and shapesa shared commitment to deeper growth in loveand commitment to one another, for the goodof society as a whole. That is why marriage ismore than a fleeting fashion; it is of enduringimportance. Its essence derives from our human98

nature and social character. It involves a seriesof obligations born of love itself, a love so serious and generous that it is ready to face any risk.132.a To opt for marriage in this way expresses a genuine and firm decision to join paths,come what may. Given its seriousness, this public commitment of love cannot be the fruit of ahasty decision, but neither can it be postponedindefinitely. Committing oneself exclusively anddefinitively to another person always involves arisk and a bold gamble. Unwillingness to makesuch a commitment is selfish, calculating andpetty. It fails to recognize the rights of anotherperson and to present him or her to society assomeone worthy of unconditional love. If twopersons are truly in love, they naturally show thisto others. When love is expressed before others in the marriage contract, with all its publiccommitments, it clearly indicates and protectsthe ayesa which those persons speak freely andunreservedly to each other. This ayesa tells themthat they can always trust one another, and thatthey will never be abandoned when difficultiesarise or new attractions or selfish interests present themselves.A love that reveals itself and increases

133.a The love of friendship unifies all aspectsof marital life and helps family members to growconstantly. This love must be freely and generously expressed in words and acts. In the family,99

athree words need to be used. I want to repeatthis! Three words: aPleasea, aThank youa, aSorrya. Three essential words!a.132 aIn our familieswhen we are not overbearing and ask: aMay I?a;in our families when we are not selfish and cansay: aThank you!a; and in our families when someone realizes that he or she did something wrongand is able to say aSorry!a, our family experiences peace and joya.133 Let us not be stingy aboutusing these words, but keep repeating them, dayafter day. For acertain silences are oppressive,even at times within families, between husbandsand wives, between parents and children, amongsiblingsa.134 The right words, spoken at the righttime, daily protect and nurture love.134.a All this occurs through a process of constant growth. The very special form of lovethat is marriage is called to embody what SaintThomas Aquinas said about charity in general.aCharitya, he says, aby its very nature, has nolimit to its increase, for it is a participation inthat infinite charity which is the Holy Spirita|Nor on the part of the subject can its limit befixed, because as charity grows, so too does itscapacity for an even greater increasea.135 Sainta Address to the Pilgrimage of Families during the Year of Faith(26 October 2013): AAS 105 (2013), 980.133a Angelus Message (29 December 2013): LaOsservatoreRomano, 30-31 December 2013, p. 7.134a Address to the Pilgrimage of Families during the Year of Faith(26 October 2013): AAS 105 (2013), 978.135a Summa Theologiae II-II, q. 24, art. 7.132

100

Paul also prays: aMay the Lord make you increase and abound in love to one anothera (1 Th3:12), and again, aconcerning fraternal lovea|we urge you, beloved, to do so more and morea(1 Th 4:9-10). More and more! Marital love isnot defended primarily by presenting indissolubility as a duty, or by repeating doctrine, butby helping it to grow ever stronger under theimpulse of grace. A love that fails to grow is atrisk. Growth can only occur if we respond toGodas grace through constant acts of love, actsof kindness that become ever more frequent, intense, generous, tender and cheerful. Husbandsand wives abecome conscious of their unity andexperience it more deeply from day to daya.136The gift of Godas love poured out upon thespouses is also a summons to constant growthin grace.135.a It is not helpful to dream of an idyllic andperfect love needing no stimulus to grow. A celestial notion of earthly love forgets that the bestis yet to come, that fine wine matures with age.As the Bishops of Chile have pointed out, atheperfect families proposed by deceptive consumerist propaganda do not exist. In those families,no one grows old, there is no sickness, sorrowor deatha| Consumerist propaganda presents afantasy that has nothing to do with the realitya Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, PastoralConstitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium etSpes, 48.136

101

which must daily be faced by the heads of familiesa.137 It is much healthier to be realistic aboutour limits, defects and imperfections, and to respond to the call to grow together, to bring loveto maturity and to strengthen the union, comewhat may.Dialogue

136.a Dialogue is essential for experiencing, expressing and fostering love in marriage and family life. Yet it can only be the fruit of a long anddemanding apprenticeship. Men and women,young people and adults, communicate differently. They speak different languages and they act indifferent ways. Our way of asking and responding to questions, the tone we use, our timing andany number of other factors condition how wellwe communicate. We need to develop certain attitudes that express love and encourage authenticdialogue.137.a Take time, quality time. This means beingready to listen patiently and attentively to everything the other person wants to say. It requiresthe self-discipline of not speaking until the timeis right. Instead of offering an opinion or advice,we need to be sure that we have heard everythingthe other person has to say. This means cultivating an interior silence that makes it possible toa Chilean Bishopsa Conference, La vida y la familia:regalos de Dios para cada uno de nosotros (21 July 2014).137

102

listen to the other person without mental or emotional distractions. Do not be rushed, put asideall of your own needs and worries, and makespace. Often the other spouse does not need asolution to his or her problems, but simply tobe heard, to feel that someone has acknowledgetheir pain, their disappointment, their fear, theiranger, their hopes and their dreams. How oftenwe hear complaints like: aHe does not listen tome.a aEven when you seem to, you are reallydoing something else.a aI talk to her and I feellike she canat wait for me to finish.a aWhen Ispeak to her, she tries to change the subject, orshe gives me curt responses to end the conversationa.138.a Develop the habit of giving real importance to the other person. This means appreciating them and recognizing their right to exist, tothink as they do and to be happy. Never downplay what they say or think, even if you need toexpress your own point of view. Everyone hassomething to contribute, because they have theirlife experiences, they look at things from a different standpoint and they have their own concerns,abilities and insights. We ought to be able to acknowledge the other personas truth, the value ofhis or her deepest concerns, and what it is thatthey are trying to communicate, however aggressively. We have to put ourselves in their shoesand try to peer into their hearts, to perceive their103

deepest concerns and to take them as a point ofdeparture for further dialogue.139.a Keep an open mind. Donat get boggeddown in your own limited ideas and opinions,but be prepared to change or expand them. Thecombination of two different ways of thinkingcan lead to a synthesis that enriches both. Theunity that we seek is not uniformity, but a aunity in diversitya, or areconciled diversitya. Fraternal communion is enriched by respect andappreciation for differences within an overallperspective that advances the common good.We need to free ourselves from feeling that weall have to be alike. A certain astuteness is alsoneeded to prevent the appearance of astaticathat can interfere with the process of dialogue.For example, if hard feelings start to emerge,they should be dealt with sensitively, lest theyinterrupt the dynamic of dialogue. The abilityto say what one is thinking without offendingthe other person is important. Words should becarefully chosen so as not to offend, especiallywhen discussing difficult issues. Making a pointshould never involve venting anger and inflicting hurt. A patronizing tone only serves tohurt, ridicule, accuse and offend others. Manydisagreements between couples are not aboutimportant things. Mostly they are about trivialmatters. What alters the mood, however, is theway things are said or the attitude with whichthey are said.104

140.a Show affection and concern for the otherperson. Love surmounts even the worst barriers.When we love someone, or when we feel lovedby them, we can better understand what they aretrying to communicate. Fearing the other personas a kind of arivala is a sign of weakness andneeds to be overcome. It is very important tobase oneas position on solid choices, beliefs orvalues, and not on the need to win an argumentor to be proved right.141.a Finally, let us acknowledge that for a worthwhile dialogue we have to have something to say.This can only be the fruit of an interior richnessnourished by reading, personal reflection, prayerand openness to the world around us. Otherwise,conversations become boring and trivial. Whenneither of the spouses works at this, and has little real contact with other people, family life becomes stifling and dialogue impoverished.Passionate love

142.a The Second Vatican Council teaches thatthis conjugal love aembraces the good of thewhole person; it can enrich the sentiments of thespirit and their physical expression with a uniquedignity and ennoble them as the special featuresand manifestation of the friendship proper tomarriagea.138 For this reason, a love lackinga Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the ModernWorld Gaudium et Spes, 49.138

105

either pleasure or passion is insufficient to symbolize the union of the human heart with God:aAll the mystics have affirmed that supernaturallove and heavenly love find the symbols whichthey seek in marital love, rather than in friendship, filial devotion or devotion to a cause. Andthe reason is to be found precisely in its totalitya.139 Why then should we not pause to speakof feelings and sexuality in marriage?The world of emotions

143.a Desires, feelings, emotions, what the ancients called athe passionsa, all have an important place in married life. They are awakenedwhenever aanothera becomes present and partof a personas life. It is characteristic of all livingbeings to reach out to other things, and this tendency always has basic affective signs: pleasureor pain, joy or sadness, tenderness or fear. Theyground the most elementary psychological activity. Human beings live on this earth, and all thatthey do and seek is fraught with passion.144.a As true man, Jesus showed his emotions.He was hurt by the rejection of Jerusalem (cf. Mt23:27) and this moved him to tears (cf. Lk 19:41).He was also deeply moved by the sufferings ofothers (cf. Mk 6:34). He felt deeply their grief(cf. Jn 11:33), and he wept at the death of a frienda A. Sertillanges, LaAmour chrA(c)tien, Paris, 1920, 174.

139

106

(cf. Jn 11:35). These examples of his sensitivityshowed how much his human heart was open toothers.145.a Experiencing an emotion is not, in itself,morally good or evil.140 The stirring of desire orrepugnance is neither sinful nor blameworthy.What is morally good or evil is what we do on thebasis of, or under the influence of, a given passion.But when passions are aroused or sought, and as aresult we perform evil acts, the evil lies in the decision to fuel them and in the evil acts that result.Along the same lines, my being attracted to someone is not automatically good. If my attraction tothat person makes me try to dominate him or her,then my feeling only serves my selfishness. Tobelieve that we are good simply because awe feelgooda is a tremendous illusion. There are thosewho feel themselves capable of great love onlybecause they have a great need for affection, yetthey prove incapable of the effort needed to bringhappiness to others. They remain caught up intheir own needs and desires. In such cases, emotions distract from the highest values and conceal a self-centredness that makes it impossibleto develop a healthy and happy family life.146.a This being said, if passion accompanies afree act, it can manifest the depth of that act.Marital love strives to ensure that oneas entirea Cf. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 24, art. 1.

140

107

emotional life benefits the family as a whole andstands at the service of its common life. A family ismature when the emotional life of its members becomes a form of sensitivity that neither stifles norobscures great decisions and values, but rather follows each oneas freedom,141 springs from it, enriches, perfects and harmonizes it in the service of all.God loves the joy of his children

147.a This calls for a pedagogical processthat involves renunciation. This convictionon the part of the Church has often beenrejected as opposed to human happiness.Benedict XVI summed up this charge with greatclarity: aDoesnat the Church, with all her commandments and prohibitions, turn to bitterness the most precious thing in life? Doesnatshe blow the whistle just when the joy which isthe Creatoras gift offers us a happiness whichis itself a certain foretaste of the Divine?a142He responded that, although there have beenexaggerations and deviant forms of asceticismin Christianity, the Churchas official teaching, infidelity to the Scriptures, did not reject aeros assuch, but rather declared war on a warped anddestructive form of it, because this counterfeitaCf. ibid., q. 59, art. 5.a Encyclical Letter Deus Caritas Est (25 December 2005),3: AAS 98 (2006),A 219-220.141142

108

divinization of erosa| actually strips it of divinedignity and dehumanizes ita.143148.a Training in the areas of emotion andinstinct is necessary, and at times this requiressetting limits. Excess, lack of control or obsession with a single form of pleasure can endup weakening and tainting that very pleasure144and damaging family life. A person can certainly channel his passions in a beautiful andhealthy way, increasingly pointing them towardsaltruism and an integrated self-fulfilment thatcan only enrich interpersonal relationships inthe heart of the family. This does not meanrenouncing moments of intense enjoyment,145but rather integrating them with other momentsof generous commitment, patient hope, inevitable weariness and struggle to achieve an ideal.Family life is all this, and it deserves to be livedto the fullest.149.a Some currents of spirituality teach thatdesire has to be eliminated as a path to liberation from pain. Yet we believe that God lovesthe enjoyment felt by human beings: he createdus and arichly furnishes us with everything toenjoya (1 Tim 6:17). Let us be glad when witha Ibid., 4: AAS 98 (2006), 220.a Cf. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 32, art.7.145a Cf. Id., Summa Theologiae II-II, q. 153, art. 2, ad 2:aAbundantia delectationis quae est in actu venereo secundum rationemordinato, non contrariatur medio virtutisa.143144

109

great love he tells us: aMy son, treat yourselfwella| Do not deprive yourself of a happy daya(Sir 14:11-14). Married couples likewise respond to Godas will when they take up the biblical injunction: aBe joyful in the day of prosperitya (Ec 7:14). What is important is to havethe freedom to realize that pleasure can find different expressions at different times of life, inaccordance with the needs of mutual love. Inthis sense, we can appreciate the teachings ofsome Eastern masters who urge us to expandour consciousness, lest we be imprisoned byone limited experience that can blinker us. Thisexpansion of consciousness is not the denial ordestruction of desire so much as its broadeningand perfection.The erotic dimension of love

150.a All this brings us to the sexual dimensionof marriage. God himself created sexuality,which is a marvellous gift to his creatures. Ifthis gift needs to be cultivated and directed, it isto prevent the aimpoverishment of an authenticvaluea.146 Saint John Paul II rejected the claimthat the Churchas teaching is aa negation of thevalue of human sexualitya, or that the Churchsimply tolerates sexuality abecause it is necessaryfor procreationa.147 Sexual desire is not somea John Paul II, Catechesis (22 October 1980), 5:Insegnamenti III/2 (1980), 951.147a Ibid., 3.146

110

thing to be looked down upon, and aand therecan be no attempt whatsoever to call into question its necessitya.148151.a To those who fear that the training ofthe passions and of sexuality detracts from thespontaneity of sexual love, Saint John Paul IIreplied that human persons are acalled to fulland mature spontaneity in their relationshipsa,a maturity that ais the gradual fruit of a discernment of the impulses of oneas own hearta.149This calls for discipline and self-mastery, sinceevery human person amust learn, with perseverance and consistency, the meaning of his orher bodya.150 Sexuality is not a means of gratification or entertainment; it is an interpersonallanguage wherein the other is taken seriously,in his or her sacred and inviolable dignity. Assuch, athe human heart comes to participate, soto speak, in another kind of spontaneitya.151 Inthis context, the erotic appears as a specificallyhuman manifestation of sexuality. It enables usto discover athe nuptial meaning of the bodyand the authentic dignity of the gifta.152 In hiscatecheses on the theology of the body, SaintJohn Paul II taught that sexual differentiationa Id., Catechesis, (24 September 1980), 4: InsegnamentiIII/2 (1980), 719.149a Catechesis (12 November 1980), 2: Insegnamenti III/2(1980), 1133.150a Ibid., 4.151a Ibid., 5.152a Ibid., 1: 1132.148

111

not only is aa source of fruitfulness and procreationa, but also possesses athe capacity ofexpressing love: that love precisely in which thehuman person becomes a gifta.153 A healthysexual desire, albeit closely joined to a pursuitof pleasure, always involves a sense of wonder,and for that very reason can humanize the impulses.152.a In no way, then, can we consider theerotic dimension of love simply as a permissible evil or a burden to be tolerated for thegood of the family. Rather, it must be seen asgift from God that enriches the relationshipof the spouses. As a passion sublimated by alove respectful of the dignity of the other, itbecomes a apure, unadulterated affirmationarevealing the marvels of which the humanheart is capable. In this way, even momentarily, we can feel that alife has turned out goodand happya.154Violence and manipulation

unhealthy; as a result, ait becomes the occasion and instrument for self-assertion and theselfish satisfaction of personal desires and instinctsa.155 In our own day, sexuality risks being poisoned by the mentality of ause and discarda. The body of the other is often viewedas an object to be used as long as it offers satisfaction, and rejected once it is no longer appealing. Can we really ignore or overlook thecontinuing forms of domination, arrogance,abuse, sexual perversion and violence that arethe product of a warped understanding of sexuality? Or the fact that the dignity of othersand our human vocation to love thus end upbeing less important than an obscure need toafind oneself a?154.a We also know that, within marriage itself,sex can become a source of suffering and manipulation. Hence it must be clearly reaffirmedthat aa conjugal act imposed on oneas spousewithout regard to his or her condition, or personal and reasonable wishes in the matter, is notrue act of love, and therefore offends the moral order in its particular application to the intimate relationship of husband and wifea.156 Theacts proper to the sexual union of husband andwife correspond to the nature of sexuality as155a John Paul II, Encyclical Letter Evangelium Vitae (25March 1995), 23: AAS 87 (1995), 427.156aPaul VI, Encyclical Letter Humanae Vitae (25 July1968), 13: AAS 60 (1968), 489.

113

willed by God when they take place in aa manner which is truly humana.157 Saint Paul insists:aLet no one transgress and wrong his brotheror sister in this mattera (1 Th 4:6). Even thoughPaul was writing in the context of a patriarchal culture in which women were consideredcompletely subordinate to men, he nonethelesstaught that sex must involve communicationbetween the spouses: he brings up the possibility of postponing sexual relations for a period,but aby agreementa (1 Cor 7:5).155.a Saint John Paul II very subtly warned thata couple can be athreatened by insatiabilitya158. Inother words, while called to an increasingly profound union, they can risk effacing their differencesand the rightful distance between the two. Foreach possesses his or her own proper and inalienable dignity. When reciprocal belonging turns intodomination, athe structure of communion in interpersonal relations is essentially changeda.159 Itis part of the mentality of domination that thosewho dominate end up negating their own dignity.160Ultimately, they no longer aidentify themselvessubjectively with their own bodya,161 because theytake away its deepest meaning. They end up usinga Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et Spes, 49.158a Catechesis (18 June 1980), 5: Insegnamenti III/1 (1980), 1778.159a Ibid., 6.160a Cf. Catechesis (30 July 1980), 1: Insegnamenti III/2(1980), 311.161a Catechesis (8 April 1981), 3: Insegnamenti IV/1 (1981), 904.157

114

sex as form of escapism and renounce the beautyof conjugal union.156.a Every form of sexual submission mustbe clearly rejected. This includes all improper interpretations of the passage in the Letter to the Ephesians where Paul tells womento abe subject to your husbandsa (Eph 5:22).This passage mirrors the cultural categoriesof the time, but our concern is not with itscultural matrix but with the revealed messagethat it conveys. As Saint John Paul II wisely observed: aLove excludes every kind ofsubjection whereby the wife might becomea servant or a slave of the husbanda| Thecommunity or unity which they should establish through marriage is constituted by a reciprocal donation of self, which is also a mutual subjectiona.162 Hence Paul goes on to saythat ahusbands should love their wives as theirown bodiesa (Eph 5:28). The biblical text isactually concerned with encouraging everyoneto overcome a complacent individualism andto be constantly mindful of others: aBe subject to one anothera (Eph 5:21). In marriage,this reciprocal asubmissiona takes on a specialmeaning, and is seen as a freely chosen mutualbelonging marked by fidelity, respect and care.Sexuality is inseparably at the service of thisa Catechesis (11 August 1982), 4: Insegnamenti V/3(1982), 205-206.162

115

conjugal friendship, for it is meant to aid thefulfilment of the other.157.a All the same, the rejection of distortionsof sexuality and eroticism should never leadus to a disparagement or neglect of sexualityand eros in themselves. The ideal of marriagecannot be seen purely as generous donationand self-sacrifice, where each spouse renounces all personal needs and seeks only the otheras good without concern for personal satisfaction. We need to remember that authenticlove also needs to be able to receive the other,to accept oneas own vulnerability and needs,and to welcome with sincere and joyful gratitude the physical expressions of love found ina caress, an embrace, a kiss and sexual union.Benedict XVI stated this very clearly: aShouldman aspire to be pure spirit and to reject theflesh as pertaining to his animal nature alone,then spirit and body would both lose their dignitya.163 For this reason, aman cannot live byoblative, descending love alone. He cannot always give, he must also receive. Anyone whowishes to give love must also receive love asa gifta.164 Still, we must never forget that ourhuman equilibrium is fragile; there is a part ofus that resists real human growth, and any moa Encyclical Letter Deus Caritas Est (25 December 2005),5: AAS 98 (2006), 221.164a Ibid., 7.163

116

ment it can unleash the most primitive and selfish tendencies.Marriage and virginity

158.a aMany people who are unmarried arenot only devoted to their own family but oftenrender great service in their group of friends, inthe Church community and in their professionallives. Sometimes their presence and contributions are overlooked, causing in them a sense ofisolation. Many put their talents at the serviceof the Christian community through charity andvolunteer work. Others remain unmarried because they consecrate their lives to the love ofChrist and neighbour. Their dedication greatlyenriches the family, the Church and societya.165159.a Virginity is a form of love. As a sign,it speaks to us of the coming of the Kingdomand the need for complete devotion to the causeof the Gospel (cf. 1 Cor 7:32). It is also a reflection of the fullness of heaven, where atheyneither marry not are given in marriagea (Mt22:30). Saint Paul recommended virginity because he expected Jesusa imminent return and hewanted everyone to concentrate only on spreading the Gospel: athe appointed time has grownvery shorta (1 Cor 7:29). Nonetheless, he madeit clear that this was his personal opinion anda Relatio Finalis 2015, 22.

165

117

preference (cf. 1 Cor 7:6-9), not something demanded by Christ: aI have no command in theLorda (1 Cor 7:25). All the same, he recognizedthe value of the different callings: aEach has hisor her own special gift from God, one of onekind and one of anothera (1 Cor 7:7). Reflectingon this, Saint John Paul II noted that the biblicaltexts agive no reason to assert the ainferioritya ofmarriage, nor the asuperioritya of virginity or celibacya166 based on sexual abstinence. Rather thanspeak absolutely of the superiority of virginity, itshould be enough to point out that the differentstates of life complement one another, and consequently that some can be more perfect in oneway and others in another. Alexander of Hales,for example, stated that in one sense marriagemay be considered superior to the other sacraments, inasmuch as it symbolizes the great realityof aChristas union with the Church, or the unionof his divine and human naturesa.167160.a Consequently, ait is not a matter ofdiminishing the value of matrimony in favour ofcontinencea.168 aThere is no basis for playing oneoff against the othera| If, following a certaintheological tradition, one speaks of a astate ofperfectiona (status perfectionis), this has to do nota Catechesis (14 April 1982), 1: Insegnamenti V/1 (1982),

with continence in itself, but with the entiretyof a life based on the evangelical counselsa.169A married person can experience the highestdegree of charity and thus areach the perfection which flows from charity, through fidelityto the spirit of those counsels. Such perfection is possible and accessible to every man andwomana.170161.a The value of virginity lies in its symbolizing a love that has no need to possess the other; inthis way it reflects the freedom of the Kingdomof Heaven. Virginity encourages married couples to live their own conjugal love against thebackdrop of Christas definitive love, journeyingtogether towards the fullness of the Kingdom.For its part, conjugal love symbolizes other values. On the one hand, it is a particular reflection of that full unity in distinction found in theTrinity. The family is also a sign of Christ. Itmanifests the closeness of God who is a part ofevery human life, since he became one with usthrough his incarnation, death and resurrection.Each spouse becomes aone flesha with the other as a sign of willingness to share everythingwith him or her until death. Whereas virginityis an aeschatologicala sign of the risen Christ,marriage is a ahistoricala sign for us living in thisworld, a sign of the earthly Christ who chose toaId., Catechesis (14 April 1982), 3: Insegnamenti V/1(1982), 1177.170a Ibid.169

119

become one with us and gave himself up for useven to shedding his blood. Virginity and marriage are, and must be, different ways of loving.For aman cannot live without love. He remainsa being that is incomprehensible for himself, hislife is senseless, if love is not revealed to hima.171162.a Celibacy can risk becoming a comfortablesingle life that provides the freedom to be independent, to move from one residence, work oroption to another, to spend money as one seesfit and to spend time with others as one wants.In such cases, the witness of married people becomes especially eloquent. Those called to virginity can encounter in some marriages a clearsign of Godas generous and steadfast fidelity to his covenant, and this can move them to amore concrete and generous availability to others. Many married couples remain faithful whenone of them has become physically unattractive,or fails to satisfy the otheras needs, despite thevoices in our society that might encourage themto be unfaithful or to leave the other. A wife cancare for her sick husband and thus, in drawingnear to the Cross, renew her commitment to loveunto death. In such love, the dignity of the truelover shines forth, inasmuch as it is more properto charity to love than to be loved.172 We couldalso point to the presence in many families ofa Id., Encyclical Letter Redemptor Hominis (4 March1979), 10: AAS 71 (1979), 274.172a Cf. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae, II-II, q. 27, art. 1.171

120

a capacity for selfless and loving service whenchildren prove troublesome and even ungrateful.This makes those parents a sign of the free andselfless love of Jesus. Cases like these encouragecelibate persons to live their commitment to theKingdom with greater generosity and openness.Today, secularization has obscured the value ofa life-long union and the beauty of the vocationto marriage. For this reason, it is anecessary todeepen an understanding of the positive aspectsof conjugal lovea.173The transformation of love

163.a Longer life spans now mean that closeand exclusive relationships must last for four,five or even six decades; consequently, the initial decision has to be frequently renewed. Whileone of the spouses may no longer experience anintense sexual desire for the other, he or she maystill experience the pleasure of mutual belongingand the knowledge that neither of them is alonebut has a apartnera with whom everything in lifeis shared. He or she is a companion on lifeasjourney, one with whom to face lifeas difficultiesand enjoy its pleasures. This satisfaction is partof the affection proper to conjugal love. Thereis no guarantee that we will feel the same way allthrough life. Yet if a couple can come up witha shared and lasting life project, they can lovea Pontifical Council for the Family, Family, Marriageand aDe Factoa Unions (26 July 2000), 40.173

121

one another and live as one until death do thempart, enjoying an enriching intimacy. The lovethey pledge is greater than any emotion, feelingor state of mind, although it may include all ofthese. It is a deeper love, a lifelong decision ofthe heart. Even amid unresolved conflicts andconfused emotional situations, they daily reaffirm their decision to love, to belong to one another, to share their lives and to continue lovingand forgiving. Each progresses along the pathof personal growth and development. On thisjourney, love rejoices at every step and in everynew stage.164.a In the course of every marriage physicalappearances change, but this hardly means thatlove and attraction need fade. We love the otherperson for who they are, not simply for theirbody. Although the body ages, it still expressesthat personal identity that first won our heart.Even if others can no longer see the beauty ofthat identity, a spouse continues to see it withthe eyes of love and so his or her affection doesnot diminish. He or she reaffirms the decisionto belong to the other and expresses that choicein faithful and loving closeness. The nobility ofthis decision, by its intensity and depth, givesrise to a new kind of emotion as they fulfil theirmarital mission. For aemotion, caused by another human being as a persona| does not per se

122

tend toward the conjugal acta.174 It finds othersensible expressions. Indeed, love ais a singlereality, but with different dimensions; at different times, one or other dimension may emergemore clearlya.175 The marriage bond finds newforms of expression and constantly seeks newways to grow in strength. These both preserveand strengthen the bond. They call for daily effort. None of this, however, is possible without praying to the Holy Spirit for an outpouringof his grace, his supernatural strength and hisspiritual fire, to confirm, direct and transformour love in every new situation.

LOVE MADE FRUITFUL165.a Love always gives life. Conjugal loveadoes not end with the couplea| The couple, ingiving themselves to one another, give not justthemselves but also the reality of children, whoare a living reflection of their love, a permanentsign of their conjugal unity and a living and inseparable synthesis of their being a father and amothera.176Welcoming a new life

166.a The family is the setting in which a newlife is not only born but also welcomed as a giftof God. Each new life aallows us to appreciate the utterly gratuitous dimension of love,which never ceases to amaze us. It is the beauty of being loved first: children are loved evenbefore they arrivea.177 Here we see a reflectionof the primacy of the love of God, who alwaystakes the initiative, for children aare loved beforehaving done anything to deserve ita.178 And yet,176a John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation FamiliarisConsortio, (22 November 1981), 14: AAS 74 (1982), 96.177a Catechesis (11 February 2015): LaOsservatore Romano,12 February 2015, p. 8.178a Ibid.

125

afrom the first moments of their lives, manychildren are rejected, abandoned, and robbedof their childhood and future. There are thosewho dare to say, as if to justify themselves, thatit was a mistake to bring these children into theworld. This is shameful! a| How can we issuesolemn declarations on human rights and therights of children, if we then punish childrenfor the errors of adults?a179 If a child comesinto this world in unwanted circumstances, theparents and other members of the family mustdo everything possible to accept that child asa gift from God and assume the responsibilityof accepting him or her with openness and affection. For awhen speaking of children whocome into the world, no sacrifice made by adultswill be considered too costly or too great, if itmeans the child never has to feel that he or she isa mistake, or worthless or abandoned to the fourwinds and the arrogance of mana.180 The giftof a new child, entrusted by the Lord to a fatherand a mother, begins with acceptance, continueswith lifelong protection and has as its final goalthe joy of eternal life. By serenely contemplatingthe ultimate fulfilment of each human person,parents will be even more aware of the preciousgift entrusted to them. For God allows parentsa Catechesis (8 April 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 9 April2015, p. 8.180a Ibid.179

126

to choose the name by which he himself will calltheir child for all eternity.181167.a Large families are a joy for the Church.They are an expression of the fruitfulness oflove. At the same time, Saint John Paul II rightlyexplained that responsible parenthood does notmean aunlimited procreation or lack of awareness of what is involved in rearing children, butrather the empowerment of couples to use theirinviolable liberty wisely and responsibly, takinginto account social and demographic realities,as well as their own situation and legitimate desiresa.182Love and pregnancy

168.a Pregnancy is a difficult but wonderfultime. A mother joins with God to bring forththe miracle of a new life. Motherhood is the fruitof a aparticular creative potential of the femalebody, directed to the conception and birth of anew human beinga.183 Each woman shares ina Cf. Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, PastoralConstitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudiumet Spes, 51: aLet us all be convinced that human life and itstransmission are realities whose meaning is not limited by thehorizons of this life only: their true evaluation and full meaningcan only be understood in reference to our eternal destinya.182a Letter to the Secretary General of the United NationsOrganization on Population and Development (18 March 1994):Insegnamenti XVII/1 (1994), 750-751.183a John Paul II, Catechesis (12 March 1980), 3:Insegnamenti III/1 (1980), 543.181

127

athe mystery of creation, which is renewed witheach birtha.184 The Psalmist says: aYou knit metogether in my motheras womba (Ps 139:13).Every child growing within the motheras wombis part of the eternal loving plan of God theFather: aBefore I formed you in the womb Iknew you, and before you were born I consecrated youa (Jer 1:5). Each child has a place in Godasheart from all eternity; once he or she is conceived, the Creatoras eternal dream comes true.Let us pause to think of the great value of thatembryo from the moment of conception. Weneed to see it with the eyes of God, who alwayslooks beyond mere appearances.169.a A pregnant woman can participate inGodas plan by dreaming of her child. aFor ninemonths every mother and father dreams abouttheir childa| You canat have a family withoutdreams. Once a family loses the ability to dream,children do not grow, love does not grow, lifeshrivels up and diesa.185 For Christian marriedcouples, baptism necessarily appears as a part ofthat dream. With their prayers, parents preparefor baptism, entrusting their baby to Jesus evenbefore he or she is born.170.a Scientific advances today allow us to knowbeforehand what colour a childas hair will be ora Ibid.a Address at the Meeting with Families in Manila (16 January2015): AAS 107 (2015), 176.184185

128

what illnesses they may one day suffer, because allthe somatic traits of the person are written in hisor her genetic code already in the embryonic stage.Yet only the Father, the Creator, fully knows thechild; he alone knows his or her deepest identityand worth. Expectant mothers need to ask Godfor the wisdom fully to know their children andto accept them as they are. Some parents feelthat their child is not coming at the best time.They should ask the Lord to heal and strengthenthem to accept their child fully and wholeheartedly. It is important for that child to feel wanted.He or she is not an accessory or a solution tosome personal need. A child is a human being ofimmense worth and may never be used for oneasown benefit. So it matters little whether this newlife is convenient for you, whether it has featuresthat please you, or whether it fits into your plansand aspirations. For achildren are a gift. Eachone is unique and irreplaceablea| We love ourchildren because they are children, not becausethey are beautiful, or look or think as we do, orembody our dreams. We love them because theyare children. A child is a childa.186 The love ofparents is the means by which God our Fathershows his own love. He awaits the birth of eachchild, accepts that child unconditionally, and welcomes him or her freely.a Catechesis (11 February 2015): LaOsservatore Romano,12 February 2015, p. 8.186

129

171.a With great affection I urge all future mothers: keep happy and let nothing rob you of theinterior joy of motherhood. Your child deservesyour happiness. Donat let fears, worries, otherpeopleas comments or problems lessen your joyat being Godas means of bringing a new life tothe world. Prepare yourself for the birth of yourchild, but without obsessing, and join in Maryassong of joy: aMy soul proclaims the greatness ofthe Lord and my spirit exults in God my Saviour,for he has looked with favour on the lowliness ofhis servanta (Lk 1:46-48). Try to experience thisserene excitement amid all your many concerns,and ask the Lord to preserve your joy, so that youcan pass it on to your child.The love of a mother and a father

172.a aChildren, once born, begin to receive,along with nourishment and care, the spiritualgift of knowing with certainty that they are loved.This love is shown to them through the gift oftheir personal name, the sharing of language,looks of love and the brightness of a smile. Inthis way, they learn that the beauty of human relationships touches our soul, seeks our freedom,accepts the difference of others, recognizes andrespects them as a partner in dialoguea| Suchis love, and it contains a spark of Godas love!a187Every child has a right to receive love from aa Catechesis (14 October 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 15October 2015, p. 8.187

130

mother and a father; both are necessary for achildas integral and harmonious development.As the Australian Bishops have observed, eachof the spouses acontributes in a distinct way tothe upbringing of a child. Respecting a childasdignity means affirming his or her need and natural right to have a mother and a fathera.188 Weare speaking not simply of the love of father andmother as individuals, but also of their mutuallove, perceived as the source of oneas life and thesolid foundation of the family. Without this, achild could become a mere plaything. Husbandand wife, father and mother, both acooperatewith the love of God the Creator, and are, ina certain sense, his interpretersa.189 They showtheir children the maternal and paternal face ofthe Lord. Together they teach the value of reciprocity, of respect for differences and of beingable to give and take. If for some inevitable reason one parent should be lacking, it is importantto compensate for this loss, for the sake of thechildas healthy growth to maturity.173.a The sense of being orphaned that affectsmany children and young people today is muchdeeper than we think. Nowadays we acknowledge as legitimate and indeed desirable that188a Australian Catholic Bishopsa Conference, PastoralLetter Donat Mess with Marriage (24 November 2015), 13.189a Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, PastoralConstitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium etSpes, 50.

131

women wish to study, work, develop their skillsand have personal goals. At the same time, wecannot ignore the need that children have for amotheras presence, especially in the first monthsof life. Indeed, athe woman stands before theman as a mother, the subject of the new humanlife that is conceived and develops in her, andfrom her is born into the worlda.190 The weakening of this maternal presence with its feminine qualities poses a grave risk to our world. Icertainly value feminism, but one that does notdemand uniformity or negate motherhood. Forthe grandeur of women includes all the rightsderived from their inalienable human dignity butalso from their feminine genius, which is essential to society. Their specifically feminine abilitiesa motherhood in particular a also grant duties,because womanhood also entails a specific mission in this world, a mission that society needs toprotect and preserve for the good of all.191174.a aMothers are the strongest antidoteto the spread of self-centred individualisma|It is they who testify to the beauty of lifea.192Certainly, aa society without mothers wouldbe dehumanized, for mothers are always, evenin the worst of times, witnesses to tenderness,a John Paul II, Catechesis (12 March 1980), 2:Insegnamenti III/1 (1980), 542.191a Cf. Id., Apostolic Letter Mulieris Dignitatem (15 August1988), 30-31: AAS 80 (1988), 1726-1729.192a Catechesis (7 January 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 7-8January 2015, p. 8.190

132

dedication and moral strength. Mothers oftencommunicate the deepest meaning of religiouspractice in the first prayers and acts of devotionthat their children learna| Without mothers,not only would there be no new faithful, but thefaith itself would lose a good part of its simpleand profound warmtha| Dear mothers: thankyou! Thank you for what you are in your familyand for what you give to the Church and theworlda.193175.a A mother who watches over her childwith tenderness and compassion helps him orher to grow in confidence and to experience thatthe world is a good and welcoming place. Thishelps the child to grow in self-esteem and, inturn, to develop a capacity for intimacy and empathy. A father, for his part, helps the child toperceive the limits of life, to be open to the challenges of the wider world, and to see the needfor hard work and strenuous effort. A fatherpossessed of a clear and serene masculine identity who demonstrates affection and concern forhis wife is just as necessary as a caring mother.There can be a certain flexibility of roles andresponsibilities, depending on the concrete circumstances of each particular family. But theclear and well-defined presence of both figures,female and male, creates the environment bestsuited to the growth of the child.a Ibid.

193

133

176.a We often hear that ours is aa society withoutfathersa. In Western culture, the father figure issaid to be symbolically absent, missing or vanished.Manhood itself seems to be called into question.The result has been an understandable confusion. aAt first, this was perceived as a liberation:liberation from the father as master, from thefather as the representative of a law imposedfrom without, from the father as the arbiter ofhis childrenas happiness and an obstacle to theemancipation and autonomy of young people.In some homes authoritarianism once reignedand, at times, even oppressiona.194 Yet, aas often happens, one goes from one extreme to theother. In our day, the problem no longer seemsto be the overbearing presence of the father somuch as his absence, his not being there. Fathersare often so caught up in themselves and theirwork, and at times in their own self-fulfilment,that they neglect their families. They leave thelittle ones and the young to themselvesa.195 Thepresence of the father, and hence his authority,is also impacted by the amount of time givenover to the communications and entertainmentmedia. Nowadays authority is often consideredsuspect and adults treated with impertinence.They themselves become uncertain and so failto offer sure and solid guidance to their children.a Catechesis (28 January 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 29January 2015, p. 8.195a Ibid.194

134

A reversal of the roles of parents and children isunhealthy, since it hinders the proper process ofdevelopment that children need to experience,and it denies them the love and guidance neededto mature.196177.a God sets the father in the family so thatby the gifts of his masculinity he can be acloseto his wife and share everything, joy and sorrow,hope and hardship. And to be close to his children as they grow a when they play and whenthey work, when they are carefree and whenthey are distressed, when they are talkative andwhen they are silent, when they are daring andwhen they are afraid, when they stray and whenthey get back on the right path. To be a fatherwho is always present. When I say apresenta,I do not mean acontrollinga. Fathers who aretoo controlling overshadow their children, theydonat let them developa.197 Some fathers feelthey are useless or unnecessary, but the fact isthat achildren need to find a father waiting forthem when they return home with their problems. They may try hard not to admit it, not toshow it, but they need ita.198 It is not good forchildren to lack a father and to grow up beforethey are ready.a Cf. Relatio Finalis 2015, 28.a Catechesis (4 February 2015), LaOsservatore Romano, 5February 2015, p. 8.198a Ibid.196197

135

An expanding fruitfulness

178.a Some couples are unable to have children. We know that this can be a cause of realsuffering for them. At the same time, we knowthat amarriage was not instituted solely for theprocreation of childrena| Even in cases where,despite the intense desire of the spouses, thereare no children, marriage still retains its characterof being a whole manner and communion of life,and preserves its value and indissolubilitya.199 Sotoo, amotherhood is not a solely biological reality, but is expressed in diverse waysa.200179.a Adoption is a very generous way to become parents. I encourage those who cannothave children to expand their marital love toembrace those who lack a proper family situation. They will never regret having been generous. Adopting a child is an act of love, offeringthe gift of a family to someone who has none. Itis important to insist that legislation help facilitate the adoption process, above all in the caseof unwanted children, in order to prevent theirabortion or abandonment. Those who acceptthe challenge of adopting and accepting someone unconditionally and gratuitously becomea Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, PastoralConstitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium etSpes, 50.200a Fifth General Conference of the Latin Americanand Caribbean Bishops, Aparecida Document (29 June 2007), No.457.199

136

channels of Godas love. For he says, aEven ifyour mother forgets you, I will not forget youa(Is 49:15).180.a aThe choice of adoption and foster careexpresses a particular kind of fruitfulness in themarriage experience, and not only in cases of infertility. In the light of those situations wherea child is desired at any cost, as a right for oneasself-fulfilment, adoption and foster care, correctly understood, manifest an important aspect ofparenting and the raising of children. They makepeople aware that children, whether natural,adoptive or taken in foster care, are persons intheir own right who need to be accepted, lovedand cared for, and not just brought into thisworld. The best interests of the child should always underlie any decision in adoption and fostercarea.201 On the other hand, athe trafficking ofchildren between countries and continents needsto be prevented by appropriate legislative actionand state controla.202181.a We also do well to remember that procreation and adoption are not the only ways of experiencing the fruitfulness of love. Even largefamilies are called to make their mark on society,finding other expressions of fruitfulness that insome way prolong the love that sustains them.Christian families should never forget that afaitha Relatio Finalis 2015, 65.a Ibid.

201202

137

does not remove us from the world, but drawsus more deeply into ita| Each of us, in fact,has a special role in preparing for the coming ofGodas kingdom in our worlda.203 Families shouldnot see themselves as a refuge from society, butinstead go forth from their homes in a spirit ofsolidarity with others. In this way, they becomea hub for integrating persons into society and apoint of contact between the public and privatespheres. Married couples should have a clearawareness of their social obligations. With this,their affection does not diminish but is floodedwith new light. As the poet says:aYour hands are my caress,The harmony that fills my days.I love you because your handsWork for justice.If I love you, it is because you areMy love, my companion and my all,And on the street, side by side,We are much more than just twoa.204182.a No family can be fruitful if it sees itselfas overly different or aset aparta. To avoid thisa Address at the Meeting with Families in Manila (16 January2015): AAS 107 (2015), 178.204aMario Benedetti, aTe Quieroa, in Poemas de otros,Buenos Aires 1993, 316: aaTus manos son mi caricia / mis acordescotidianos / te quiero porque tus manos / trabajan por la justicia. // Site quiero es porque sos / mi amor mi cA3mplice y todo / y en la calle codo acodo / somos mucho mA!s que dos.203

138

risk, we should remember that Jesusa own family, so full of grace and wisdom, did not appearunusual or different from others. That is whypeople found it hard to acknowledge Jesusa wisdom: aWhere did this man get all this? Is notthis the carpenter, the son of Mary?a (Mk 6:23). aIs this not the carpenteras son?a (MtA 13:A 55).These questions make it clear that theirs was anordinary family, close to others, a normal partof the community. Jesus did not grow up in anarrow and stifling relationship with Mary andJoseph, but readily interacted with the wider family, the relatives of his parents and their friends.This explains how, on returning from Jerusalem,Mary and Joseph could imagine for a whole daythat the twelve-year-old Jesus was somewherein the caravan, listening to peopleas stories andsharing their concerns: aSupposing him to be inthe group of travellers, they went a dayas journeya(Lk 2:44). Still, some Christian families, whetherbecause of the language they use, the way theyact or treat others, or their constant harping onthe same two or three issues, end up being seenas remote and not really a part of the community.Even their relatives feel looked down upon orjudged by them.183.a A married couple who experience thepower of love know that this love is called tobind the wounds of the outcast, to foster a culture of encounter and to fight for justice. Godhas given the family the job of adomesticatinga139

the world205 and helping each person to see fellow human beings as brothers and sisters. aAnattentive look at the everyday life of todayas menand women immediately shows the omnipresentneed for a healthy injection of family spirita|Not only is the organization of ordinary life increasingly thwarted by a bureaucracy completelyremoved from fundamental human bonds, buteven social and political mores show signs ofdegradationa.206 For their part, open and caringfamilies find a place for the poor and build friendships with those less fortunate than themselves.In their efforts to live according to the Gospel,they are mindful of Jesusa words: aAs you did itto one of the least of these my brethren, you didit to me (Mt 25:40)a. In a very real way, their livesexpress what is asked of us all: aWhen you givea dinner or a banquet, do not invite your friendsor your brothers or your kinsmen or rich neighbours, lest they also invite you in return, and yoube repaid. But when you give a feast, invite thepoor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and youwill be blesseda (Lk 14:12-14). You will be blessed! Here is the secret to a happy family.184.a By their witness as well as their words,families speak to others of Jesus. They pass onthe faith, they arouse a desire for God and they205aCf. Catechesis (16 September 2015): LaOsservatoreRomano, 17 September 2015,A p. 8.206a Catechesis (7 October 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 9October 2015,A p. 8.

140

reflect the beauty of the Gospel and its way oflife. Christian marriages thus enliven society bytheir witness of fraternity, their social concern,their outspokenness on behalf of the underprivileged, their luminous faith and their active hope.Their fruitfulness expands and in countless waysmakes Godas love present in society.Discerning the body

185.a Along these same lines, we do well to takeseriously a biblical text usually interpreted outsideof its context or in a generic sense, with the riskof overlooking its immediate and direct meaning, which is markedly social. I am speaking of1 Cor 11:17-34, where Saint Paul faces a shamefulsituation in the community. The wealthier members tended to discriminate against the poorerones, and this carried over even to the agape mealthat accompanied the celebration of the Eucharist. While the rich enjoyed their food, the poorlooked on and went hungry: aOne is hungry andanother is drunk. Do you not have houses toeat and drink in? Or do you despise the Churchof God and humiliate those who have nothing?a(vv. 21-22).186.a The Eucharist demands that we be members of the one body of the Church. Those whoapproach the Body and Blood of Christ may notwound that same Body by creating scandalousdistinctions and divisions among its members.This is what it means to adiscerna the body of141

the Lord, to acknowledge it with faith and charityboth in the sacramental signs and in the community; those who fail to do so eat and drink judgement against themselves (cf. v. 29). The celebration of the Eucharist thus becomes a constantsummons for everyone ato examine himself orherself a (v. 28), to open the doors of the familyto greater fellowship with the underprivileged,and in this way to receive the sacrament of thateucharistic love which makes us one body. Wemust not forget that athe amysticisma of the sacrament has a social charactera.207 When thosewho receive it turn a blind eye to the poor andsuffering, or consent to various forms of division, contempt and inequality, the Eucharist isreceived unworthily. On the other hand, families who are properly disposed and receive theEucharist regularly, reinforce their desire for fraternity, their social consciousness and their commitment to those in need.Life in the wider family

187.a The nuclear family needs to interact withthe wider family made up of parents, auntsand uncles, cousins and even neighbours. Thisgreater family may have members who requireassistance, or at least companionship and affection, or consolation amid suffering.208 Thea Benedict XVI, Encyclical Letter Deus Caritas Est (25December 2005), 14: AAS 98 (2006),A 228.208a Cf. Relatio Finalis 2015, 11.207

142

individualism so prevalent today can lead tocreating small nests of security, where othersare perceived as bothersome or a threat. Suchisolation, however, cannot offer greater peaceor happiness; rather, it straitens the heart of afamily and makes its life all the more narrow.Being sons and daughters

188.a First, let us think of our parents. Jesustold the Pharisees that abandoning oneas parentsis contrary to Godas law (cf. Mk 7:8-13). Wedo well to remember that each of us is a son ordaughter. aEven if one becomes an adult, or anelderly person, even if one becomes a parent, ifone occupies a position of responsibility, underneath all of this is still the identity of a child.We are all sons and daughters. And this alwaysbrings us back to the fact that we did not giveourselves life but that we received it. The greatgift of life is the first gift that we receiveda.209189.a Hence, athe fourth commandment askschildrena| to honour their father and mother(cf. Ex 20:12). This commandment comes immediately after those dealing with God himself. Indeed, it has to do with something sacred,something divine, something at the basis ofevery other kind of human respect. The biblical formulation of the fourth commandmenta Catechesis (18 March 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 19March 2015,A p. 8.209

143

goes on to say: athat your days may be long inthe land which the Lord your God gives youa.The virtuous bond between generations is theguarantee of the future, and is the guarantee ofa truly humane society. A society with childrenwho do not honour parents is a society withouthonoura| It is a society destined to be filled withsurly and greedy young peoplea.210190.a There is, however, another side to thecoin. As the word of God tells us, aa man leaveshis father and his mothera (Gen 2:24). This doesnot always happen, and a marriage is hamperedby the failure to make this necessary sacrifice andsurrender. Parents must not be abandoned or ignored, but marriage itself demands that they bealefta, so that the new home will be a true hearth,a place of security, hope and future plans, andthe couple can truly become aone flesha (ibid.).In some marriages, one spouse keeps secretsfrom the other, confiding them instead to his orher parents. As a result, the opinions of theirparents become more important than the feelings and opinions of their spouse. This situationcannot go on for long, and even if it takes time,both spouses need to make the effort to grow intrust and communication. Marriage challengeshusbands and wives to find new ways of beingsons and daughters.a Catechesis (11 February 2015): LaOsservatore Romano,12 February 2015,A p. 8.210

144

The elderly

191.a aDo not cast me off in the time of oldage; forsake me not when my strength is spenta(Ps 71:9). This is the plea of the elderly, whofear being forgotten and rejected. Just as Godasks us to be his means of hearing the cry of thepoor, so too he wants us to hear the cry of theelderly.211 This represents a challenge to families and communities, since athe Church cannotand does not want to conform to a mentality ofimpatience, and much less of indifference andcontempt, towards old age. We must reawakenthe collective sense of gratitude, of appreciation,of hospitality, which makes the elderly feel likea living part of the community. Our elderly aremen and women, fathers and mothers, who camebefore us on our own road, in our own house,in our daily battle for a worthy lifea.212 Indeed,ahow I would like a Church that challenges thethrow-away culture by the overflowing joy of anew embrace between young and old!a213192.a Saint John Paul II asked us to be attentiveto the role of the elderly in our families, becausethere are cultures which, aespecially in the wakeof disordered industrial and urban development,have both in the past and in the present set thea Cf. Relatio Finalis 2015, 17-18.a Catechesis (4 March 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 5March 2015,A p. 8.213a Catechesis (11 March 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 12March 2015,A p. 8.211212

145

elderly aside in unacceptable waysa.214 The elderly help us to appreciate athe continuity ofthe generationsa, by their acharism of bridgingthe gapa.215 Very often it is grandparents whoensure that the most important values are passeddown to their grandchildren, and amany peoplecan testify that they owe their initiation into theChristian life to their grandparentsa.216 Theirwords, their affection or simply their presencehelp children to realize that history did not begin with them, that they are now part of an ageold pilgrimage and that they need to respect allthat came before them. Those who would breakall ties with the past will surely find it difficultto build stable relationships and to realize thatreality is bigger than they are. aAttention to theelderly makes the difference in a society. Doesa society show concern for the elderly? Does itmake room for the elderly? Such a society willmove forward if it respects the wisdom of theelderlya.217193.a The lack of historical memory is a serious shortcoming in our society. A mentality thatcan only say, aThen was then, now is nowa, is214a Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio, 27 (22November 1981): AAS 74 (1982), 113.215a Id., Address to Participants in the aInternational Forum onActive Aginga (5 September 1980), 5: Insegnamenti III/2 (1980),539.216a Relatio Finalis 2015, 18.217a Catechesis (4 March 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 5March 2015, p. 8.

146

ultimately immature. Knowing and judging pastevents is the only way to build a meaningful future. Memory is necessary for growth: aRecall theformer daysa (Heb 10:32). Listening to the elderlytell their stories is good for children and youngpeople; it makes them feel connected to the living history of their families, their neighborhoodsand their country. A family that fails to respectand cherish its grandparents, who are its livingmemory, is already in decline, whereas a familythat remembers has a future. aA society that hasno room for the elderly or discards them becausethey create problems, has a deadly virusa;218 ait istorn from its rootsa.219 Our contemporary experience of being orphans as a result of culturaldiscontinuity, uprootedness and the collapse ofthe certainties that shape our lives, challenges usto make our families places where children cansink roots in the rich soil of a collective history.Being brothers and sisters

194.a Relationships between brothers and sistersdeepen with the passing of time, and athe bondof fraternity that forms in the family betweenchildren, if consolidated by an educational atmosphere of openness to others, is a great school offreedom and peace. In the family, we learn how tolive as one. Perhaps we do not always think abouta Ibid.a Address at the Meeting with the Elderly (28 September2014): LaOsservatore Romano, 29-30 September 2014, p. 7.218219

147

this, but the family itself introduces fraternity intothe world. From this initial experience of fraternity, nourished by affection and education at home,the style of fraternity radiates like a promise uponthe whole of societya.220195.a Growing up with brothers and sisters makesfor a beautiful experience of caring for and helpingone another. For afraternity in families is especially radiant when we see the care, the patience, theaffection that surround the little brother or sisterwho is frail, sick or disableda.221 It must be acknowledged that ahaving a brother or a sister wholoves you is a profound, precious and unique experiencea.222 Children do need to be patiently taughtto treat one another as brothers and sisters. Thistraining, at times quite demanding, is a true schoolof socialization. In some countries, where it hasbecome quite common to have only one child, theexperience of being a brother or sister is less andless common. When it has been possible to haveonly one child, ways have to be found to ensure thathe or she does not grow up alone or isolated.A big heart

196.a In addition to the small circle of the couple and their children, there is the larger family,220a Catechesis (18 February 2015):A LaOsservatore Romano,19 February 2015, p. 8.221a Ibid.222a Ibid.

148

which cannot be overlooked. Indeed, athe lovebetween husband and wife and, in a derivativeand broader way, the love between members ofthe same family a between parents and children,brothers and sisters and relatives and membersof the household a is given life and sustenanceby an unceasing inner dynamism leading the family to ever deeper and more intense communion,which is the foundation and soul of the community of marriage and the familya.223 Friendsand other families are part of this larger family,as well as communities of families who supportone another in their difficulties, their social commitments and their faith.197.a This larger family should provide loveand support to teenage mothers, children without parents, single mothers left to raise children,persons with disabilities needing particular affection and closeness, young people strugglingwith addiction, the unmarried, separated or widowed who are alone, and the elderly and infirmwho lack the support of their children. It shouldalso embrace aeven those who have made shipwreck of their livesa.224 This wider family canhelp make up for the shortcomings of parents,detect and report possible situations in whichchildren suffer violence and even abuse, and223a John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation FamiliarisConsortio (22 November 1981), 18: AAS 74 (1982), 101.224a Catechesis (7 October 2015):A LaOsservatore Romano, 8October 2015), p. 8.

149

provide wholesome love and family stability incases when parents prove incapable of this.198.a Finally, we cannot forget that this largerfamily includes fathers-in-law, mothers-in-lawand all the relatives of the couple. One particularly delicate aspect of love is learning not to viewthese relatives as somehow competitors, threatsor intruders. The conjugal union demands respect for their traditions and customs, an effortto understand their language and to refrain fromcriticism, caring for them and cherishing themwhile maintaining the legitimate privacy andindependence of the couple. Being willing todo so is also an exquisite expression of generouslove for oneas spouse.

150

CHAPTER SIX

SOME PASTORAL PERSPECTIVES199.a The dialogue that took place during theSynod raised the need for new pastoral methods.I will attempt to mention some of these in a verygeneral way. Different communities will haveto devise more practical and effective initiativesthat respect both the Churchas teaching and localproblems and needs. Without claiming to present a pastoral plan for the family, I would nowlike to reflect on some more significant pastoralchallenges.Proclaiming the Gospel of the family today

200.a The Synod Fathers emphasized that Christian families, by the grace of the sacrament ofmatrimony, are the principal agents of the familyapostolate, above all through atheir joy-filled witness as domestic churchesa.225 Consequently, aitis important that people experience the Gospelof the family as a joy that afills hearts and livesa,because in Christ we have been aset free from sin,sorrow, inner emptiness and lonelinessa (EvangeliiGaudium, 1). As in the parable of the sower(cf. MtA 13:3-9), we are called to help sow seeds;a Relatio Synodi 2014, 30.

225

151

the rest is Godas work. Nor must we forget that,in her teaching on the family, the Church is asign of contradictiona.226 Married couples aregrateful that their pastors uphold the high idealof a love that is strong, solid, enduring and capable of sustaining them through whatever trialsthey may have to face. The Church wishes, withhumility and compassion, to reach out to families and ato help each family to discover the bestway to overcome any obstacles it encountersa.227It is not enough to show generic concern for thefamily in pastoral planning. Enabling families totake up their role as active agents of the familyapostolate calls for aan effort at evangelizationand catechesis inside the familya.228201.a aThis effort calls for missionary conversion by everyone in the Church, that is, one thatis not content to proclaim a merely theoreticalmessage without connection to peopleas realproblemsa.229 Pastoral care for families aneedsto make it clear that the Gospel of the familyresponds to the deepest expectations of the human person: a response to each oneas dignity andfulfilment in reciprocity, communion and fruitfulness. This consists not merely in presentinga set of rules, but in proposing values that areclearly needed today, even in the most secularizeda Ibid., 31.a Relatio Finalis 2015, 56.228a Ibid., 89.229a Relatio Synodi 2014, 32.226227

152

of countriesa.230 The Synod Fathers also ahighlighted the fact that evangelization needs unambiguously to denounce cultural, social, politicaland economic factors a such as the excessiveimportance given to market logic a that preventauthentic family life and lead to discrimination,poverty, exclusion, and violence. Consequently,dialogue and cooperation need to be fosteredwith societal structures and encouragement given to lay people who are involved, as Christians,in the cultural and socio-political fieldsa.231202.a aThe main contribution to the pastoralcare of families is offered by the parish, which isthe family of families, where small communities,ecclesial movements and associations live in harmonya.232 Along with a pastoral outreach aimedspecifically at families, this shows the need for aamore adequate formation... of priests, deacons,men and women religious, catechists and otherpastoral workersa.233 In the replies given to theworldwide consultation, it became clear that ordained ministers often lack the training needed todeal with the complex problems currently facingfamilies. The experience of the broad orientaltradition of a married clergy could also be drawnupon.a Ibid., 33.a Ibid., 38.232a Relatio Finalis 2015, 77.233a Ibid., 61.230231

153

203.a Seminarians should receive a more extensive interdisciplinary, and not merely doctrinal,formation in the areas of engagement and marriage. Their training does not always allow themto explore their own psychological and affectivebackground and experiences. Some come fromtroubled families, with absent parents and a lackof emotional stability. There is a need to ensurethat the formation process can enable them toattain the maturity and psychological balanceneeded for their future ministry. Family bondsare essential for reinforcing healthy self-esteem.It is important for families to be part of the seminary process and priestly life, since they help toreaffirm these and to keep them well groundedin reality. It is helpful for seminarians to combine time in the seminary with time spent in parishes. There they can have greater contact withthe concrete realities of family life, since in theirfuture ministry they will largely be dealing withfamilies. aThe presence of lay people, familiesand especially the presence of women in priestlyformation, promotes an appreciation of the diversity and complementarity of the different vocations in the Churcha.234204.a The response to the consultation alsoinsisted on the need for training lay leaders whocan assist in the pastoral care of families, withthe help of teachers and counsellors, family anda Ibid.

234

154

community physicians, social workers, juvenileand family advocates, and drawing upon thecontributions of psychology, sociology, maritaltherapy and counselling. Professionals, especially those with practical experience, help keeppastoral initiatives grounded in the real situationsand concrete concerns of families. aCoursesand programmes, planned specifically for pastoral workers, can be of assistance by integrating the premarital preparation programme intothe broader dynamic of ecclesial lifea.235 Goodpastoral training is important aespecially in lightof particular emergency situations arising fromcases of domestic violence and sexual abusea.236All this in no way diminishes, but rather complements, the fundamental value of spiritual direction, the rich spiritual treasures of the Church,and sacramental Reconciliation.Preparing engaged couples for marriage

205.a The Synod Fathers stated in a number ofways that we need to help young people discover the dignity and beauty of marriage.237 Theyshould be helped to perceive the attraction ofa complete union that elevates and perfects thesocial dimension of existence, gives sexualityits deepest meaning, and benefits children bya Ibid.a Ibid.237a Cf. Relatio Synodi 2014, 26.235236

155

offering them the best context for their growthand development.206.a aThe complexity of todayas society andthe challenges faced by the family require a greater effort on the part of the whole Christian community in preparing those who are about to bemarried. The importance of the virtues needsto be included. Among these, chastity provesinvaluable for the genuine growth of love between persons. In this regard, the Synod Fathersagreed on the need to involve the entire community more extensively by stressing the witness offamilies themselves and by grounding marriagepreparation in the process of Christian initiationby bringing out the connection between marriage, baptism and the other sacraments. TheFathers also spoke of the need for specific programmes of marriage preparation aimed at giving couples a genuine experience of participationin ecclesial life and a complete introduction tovarious aspects of family lifea.238207.a I encourage Christian communities to recognize the great benefit that they themselves receive from supporting engaged couples as theygrow in love. As the Italian bishops have observed, those couples are aa valuable resourcebecause, as they sincerely commit themselvesto grow in love and self-giving, they can helpa Ibid., 39.

238

156

renew the fabric of the whole ecclesial body.Their special form of friendship can prove contagious and foster the growth of friendship andfraternity in the Christian community of whichthey are a parta.239 There are a number of legitimate ways to structure programmes of marriagepreparation, and each local Church will discernhow best to provide a suitable formation withoutdistancing young people from the sacrament.They do not need to be taught the entire Catechism or overwhelmed with too much information. Here too, ait is not great knowledge,but rather the ability to feel and relish thingsinteriorly that contents and satisfies the soula.240Quality is more important than quantity, andpriority should be given a along with a renewedproclamation of the kerygma a to an attractiveand helpful presentation of information thatcan help couples to live the rest of their livestogether awith great courage and generositya.241Marriage preparation should be a kind of ainitiationa to the sacrament of matrimony, providing couples with the help they need to receivethe sacrament worthily and to make a solid beginning of life as a family.239a Italian Bishopsa Conference, Episcopal Commissionon Family and Life, Orientamenti pastorali sulla preparazione almatrimonio e alla famiglia (22 October 2012), 1.240a Ignatius of Loyola, Spiritual Exercises, Annotation 2.241a Ibid., Annotation 5.

157

208.a With the help of missionary families, thecoupleas own families and a variety of pastoralresources, ways should also be found to offer aremote preparation that, by example and goodadvice, can help their love to grow and mature.Discussion groups and optional talks on a varietyof topics of genuine interest to young people canalso prove helpful. All the same, some individual meetings remain essential, since the primary objective is to help each to learn how to lovethis very real person with whom he or she plansto share his or her whole life. Learning to lovesomeone does not happen automatically, nor canit be taught in a workshop just prior to the celebration of marriage. For every couple, marriagepreparation begins at birth. What they receivedfrom their family should prepare them to knowthemselves and to make a full and definitivecommitment. Those best prepared for marriageare probably those who learned what Christianmarriage is from their own parents, who choseeach other unconditionally and daily renew thisdecision. In this sense, pastoral initiatives aimedat helping married couples to grow in love and inthe Gospel of the family also help their children,by preparing them for their future married life.Nor should we underestimate the pastoral valueof traditional religious practices. To give justone example: I think of Saint Valentineas Day; insome countries, commercial interests are quickerto see the potential of this celebration than arewe in the Church.158

209.a The timely preparation of engaged couples by the parish community should also assistthem to recognize eventual problems and risks.In this way, they can come to realize the wisdomof breaking off a relationship whose failure andpainful aftermath can be foreseen. In their initial enchantment with one another, couples canattempt to conceal or relativize certain things andto avoid disagreements; only later do problemssurface. For this reason, they should be stronglyencouraged to discuss what each expects frommarriage, what they understand by love and commitment, what each wants from the other andwhat kind of life they would like to build together.Such discussions would help them to see if theyin fact have little in common and to realize thatmutual attraction alone will not suffice to keepthem together. Nothing is more volatile, precarious and unpredictable than desire. The decision to marry should never be encouraged unlessthe couple has discerned deeper reasons that willensure a genuine and stable commitment.210.a In any event, if one partner clearly recognizes the otheras weak points, he or she needsto have a realistic trust in the possibility of helping to develop the good points that counterbalance them, and in this way to foster their humangrowth. This entails a willingness to face eventual sacrifices, problems and situations of conflict; it demands a firm resolve to be ready forthis. Couples need to be able to detect danger159

signals in their relationship and to find, beforethe wedding, effective ways of responding tothem. Sadly, many couples marry without reallyknowing one another. They have enjoyed eachotheras company and done things together, butwithout facing the challenge of revealing themselves and coming to know who the other persontruly is.211.a Both short-term and long-term marriagepreparation should ensure that the couple do notview the wedding ceremony as the end of theroad, but instead embark upon marriage as a lifelong calling based on a firm and realistic decisionto face all trials and difficult moments together.The pastoral care of engaged and married couples should be centred on the marriage bond,assisting couples not only to deepen their lovebut also to overcome problems and difficulties.This involves not only helping them to acceptthe Churchas teaching and to have recourse toher valuable resources, but also offering practicalprogrammes, sound advice, proven strategies andpsychological guidance. All this calls for a pedagogy of love, attuned to the feelings and needsof young people and capable of helping themto grow interiorly. Marriage preparation shouldalso provide couples with the names of places,people and services to which they can turn forhelp when problems arise. It is also important toremind them of the availability of the sacramentof Reconciliation, which allows them to bring160

their sins and past mistakes, and their relationship itself, before God, and to receive in turn hismerciful forgiveness and healing strength.The preparation of the celebration

212.a Short-term preparations for marriagetend to be concentrated on invitations, clothes,the party and any number of other details thattend to drain not only the budget but energy andjoy as well. The spouses come to the weddingceremony exhausted and harried, rather than focused and ready for the great step that they areabout to take. The same kind of preoccupationwith a big celebration also affects certain de facto unions; because of the expenses involved, thecouple, instead of being concerned above allwith their love and solemnizing it in the presenceof others, never get married. Here let me say aword to fiancA(c)s. Have the courage to be different. Donat let yourselves get swallowed up by asociety of consumption and empty appearances.What is important is the love you share, strengthened and sanctified by grace. You are capable ofopting for a more modest and simple celebrationin which love takes precedence over everythingelse. Pastoral workers and the entire communitycan help make this priority the norm rather thanthe exception.213.a In their preparation for marriage, the couple should be encouraged to make the liturgicalcelebration a profound personal experience and161

to appreciate the meaning of each of its signs.In the case of two baptized persons, the commitment expressed by the words of consent and thebodily union that consummates the marriage canonly be seen as signs of the covenantal love andunion between the incarnate Son of God and hisChurch. In the baptized, words and signs become an eloquent language of faith. The body,created with a God-given meaning, abecomesthe language of the ministers of the sacrament,aware that in the conjugal pact there is expressedand realized the mystery that has its origin inGod himself a.242214.a At times, the couple does not grasp thetheological and spiritual import of the wordsof consent, which illuminate the meaning of allthe signs that follow. It needs to be stressed thatthese words cannot be reduced to the present;they involve a totality that includes the future:auntil death do us parta. The content of thewords of consent makes it clear that afreedomand fidelity are not opposed to one another; rather, they are mutually supportive, both in interpersonal and social relationships. Indeed, let usconsider the damage caused, in our culture ofglobal communication, by the escalation of unkept promises... Honouring oneas word, fidelityto oneas promises: these are things that cannot bea John Paul II, Catechesis (27 June 1984), 4:A InsegnamentiVII/1 (1984), 1941.242

162

bought and sold. They cannot be compelled byforce or maintained without sacrificea.243215.a The Kenyan Bishops have observed thatamany [young people] concentrate on their wedding day and forget the life-long commitmentthey are about to enter intoa.244 They need to beencouraged to see the sacrament not as a singlemoment that then becomes a part of the pastand its memories, but rather as a reality that permanently influences the whole of married life.245The procreative meaning of sexuality, the language of the body, and the signs of love shownthroughout married life, all become an auninterrupted continuity of liturgical languagea andaconjugal life becomes in a certain sense liturgicala.246216.a The couple can also meditate on the biblical readings and the meaningfulness of therings they will exchange and the other signs thatare part of the rite. Nor would it be good forthem to arrive at the wedding without ever having prayed together, one for the other, to seekGodas help in remaining faithful and generous,243a Catechesis (21 October 2015):A LaOsservatore Romano, 22October 2015, p. 12.244a Kenya Conference of Catholic Bishops, LentenMessage (18 February 2015).245a Cf. Pius XI, Encyclical Letter Casti Connubii (31December 1930): AAS 22 (1930), 583.246a John Paul II, Catechesis (4 July 1984), 3,6:A InsegnamentiA VII/2A (1984), pp. 9, 10.

163

to ask the Lord together what he wants of them,and to consecrate their love before an image ofthe Virgin Mary. Those who help prepare themfor marriage should help them experience thesemoments of prayer that can prove so beneficial.aThe marriage liturgy is a unique event, whichis both a family and a community celebration.The first signs of Jesus were performed at thewedding feast of Cana. The good wine, resulting from the Lordas miracle that brought joy tothe beginning of a new family, is the new wineof Christas covenant with the men and womenof every age... Frequently, the celebrant speaksto a congregation that includes people who seldom participate in the life of the Church, or whoare members of other Christian denominationsor religious communities. The occasion thusprovides a valuable opportunity to proclaim theGospel of Christa.247Accompanying the first years of married life

217.a It is important that marriage be seen as amatter of love, that only those who freely chooseand love one another may marry. When love ismerely physical attraction or a vague affection,spouses become particularly vulnerable once thisaffection wanes or physical attraction diminishes.Given the frequency with which this happens, itis all the more essential that couples be helpeda Relatio Finalis 2015, 59.

247

164

during the first years of their married life to enrich and deepen their conscious and free decisionto have, hold and love one another for life. Often the engagement period is not long enough,the decision is precipitated for various reasonsand, what is even more problematic, the couplethemselves are insufficiently mature. As a result,the newly married couple need to complete aprocess that should have taken place during theirengagement.218.a Another great challenge of marriagepreparation is to help couples realize that marriage is not something that happens once for all.Their union is real and irrevocable, confirmed andconsecrated by the sacrament of matrimony. Yetin joining their lives, the spouses assume an activeand creative role in a lifelong project. Their gazenow has to be directed to the future that, with thehelp of Godas grace, they are daily called to build.For this very reason, neither spouse can expectthe other to be perfect. Each must set aside allillusions and accept the other as he or she actually is: an unfinished product, needing to grow, awork in progress. A persistently critical attitudetowards oneas partner is a sign that marriage wasnot entered into as a project to be worked ontogether, with patience, understanding, toleranceand generosity. Slowly but surely, love will thengive way to constant questioning and criticism,dwelling on each otheras good and bad points,issuing ultimatums and engaging in competition165

and self-justification. The couple then prove incapable of helping one another to build a matureunion. This fact needs to be realistically presented to newly married couples from the outset,so that they can grasp that the wedding is ajustthe beginninga. By saying aI doa, they embarkon a journey that requires them to overcome allobstacles standing in the way of their reachingthe goal. The nuptial blessing that they receiveis a grace and an incentive for this journey. Theycan only benefit from sitting down and talking toone another about how, concretely, they plan toachieve their goal.219.a I recall an old saying: still water becomesstagnant and good for nothing. If, in the firstyears of marriage, a coupleas experience of lovegrows stagnant, it loses the very excitement thatshould be its propelling force. Young love needsto keep dancing towards the future with immensehope. Hope is the leaven that, in those first yearsof engagement and marriage, makes it possibleto look beyond arguments, conflicts and problems and to see things in a broader perspective.It harnesses our uncertainties and concerns sothat growth can take place. Hope also bids uslive fully in the present, giving our all to the lifeof the family, for the best way to prepare a solidfuture is to live well in the present.220.a This process occurs in various stagesthat call for generosity and sacrifice. The firstpowerful feelings of attraction give way to the166

realization that the other is now a part of my life.The pleasure of belonging to one another leadsto seeing life as a common project, putting theotheras happiness ahead of my own, and realizingwith joy that this marriage enriches society. Aslove matures, it also learns to anegotiatea. Farfrom anything selfish or calculating, such negotiation is an exercise of mutual love, an interplayof give and take, for the good of the family. Ateach new stage of married life, there is a needto sit down and renegotiate agreements, so thatthere will be no winners and losers, but rathertwo winners. In the home, decisions cannotbe made unilaterally, since each spouse sharesresponsibility for the family; yet each home isunique and each marriage will find an arrangement that works best.221.a Among the causes of broken marriagesare unduly high expectations about conjugal life.Once it becomes apparent that the reality is morelimited and challenging than one imagined, thesolution is not to think quickly and irresponsiblyabout separation, but to come to the sober realization that married life is a process of growth,in which each spouse is Godas means of helpingthe other to mature. Change, improvement, theflowering of the good qualities present in eachperson a all these are possible. Each marriage isa kind of asalvation historya, which from fragile beginnings a thanks to Godas gift and a creative and generous response on our part a grows167

over time into something precious and enduring.Might we say that the greatest mission of twopeople in love is to help one another become, respectively, more a man and more a woman? Fostering growth means helping a person to shapehis or her own identity. Love is thus a kind ofcraftsmanship. When we read in the Bible aboutthe creation of man and woman, we see Godfirst forming Adam (cf. Gen 2:7); he realizes thatsomething essential is lacking and so he formsEve and then hears the man exclaim in amazement, aYes, this one is just right for me!a We canalmost hear the amazing dialogue that must havetaken place when the man and the woman firstencountered one another. In the life of marriedcouples, even at difficult moments, one personcan always surprise the other, and new doors canopen for their relationship, as if they were meeting for the first time. At every new stage, theycan keep aforminga one another. Love makeseach wait for the other with the patience of acraftsman, a patience which comes from God.222.a The pastoral care of newly married couples must also involve encouraging them to begenerous in bestowing life. aIn accord with thepersonal and fully human character of conjugallove, family planning fittingly takes place as theresult a consensual dialogue between the spouses, respect for times and consideration of thedignity of the partner. In this sense, the teachingof the Encyclical Humanae Vitae (cf. 1014) and168

the Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio (cf.14I3/4 2835) ought to be taken up anew, in order tocounter a mentality that is often hostile to life...Decisions involving responsible parenthood presupposes the formation of conscience, which isathe most secret core and sanctuary of a person.There each one is alone with God, whose voiceechoes in the depths of the hearta (Gaudium etSpes, 16). The more the couple tries to listen inconscience to God and his commandments (cf.Rom 2:15), and is accompanied spiritually, themore their decision will be profoundly free ofsubjective caprice and accommodation to prevailing social moresa.248 The clear teaching ofthe Second Vatican Council still holds: a[Thecouple] will make decisions by common counsel and effort. Let them thoughtfully take intoaccount both their own welfare and that of theirchildren, those already born and those which thefuture may bring. For this accounting they needto reckon with both the material and the spiritualconditions of the times as well as of their state inlife. Finally, they should consult the interests ofthe family group, of temporal society and of theChurch herself. The parents themselves and noone else should ultimately make this judgmentin the sight of Goda.249 Moreover, athe use ofmethods based on the alaws of nature and thea Ibid., 63.a Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, PastoralConstitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium etSpes, 50.248249

169

incidence of fertilitya (Humanae Vitae, 11) are tobe promoted, since athese methods respect thebodies of the spouses, encourage tenderness between them and favour the education of an authentic freedoma (Catechism of the Catholic Church,2370). Greater emphasis needs to be placed onthe fact that children are a wonderful gift fromGod and a joy for parents and the Church.Through them, the Lord renews the worlda.250Some resources

223.a The Synod Fathers observed that atheinitial years of marriage are a vital and sensitiveperiod during which couples become more awareof the challenges and meaning of married life.Consequently, pastoral accompaniment needs togo beyond the actual celebration of the sacrament (Familiaris Consortio, Part III). In this regard, experienced couples have an important roleto play. The parish is a place where such experienced couples can help younger couples, withthe eventual cooperation of associations, ecclesial movements and new communities. Youngcouples need to be encouraged to be essentiallyopen to the great gift of children. Emphasisshould also be given to the importance of familyspirituality, prayer and participation in the Sunday Eucharist, and couples encouraged to meetregularly to promote growth in their spiritual lifea Relatio Finalis 2015, 63.

250

170

and solidarity in the concrete demands of life.Liturgies, devotional practices and the Eucharistcelebrated for families, especially on the weddinganniversary, were mentioned as vital factors infostering evangelization through the familya.251224.a This process takes time. Love needs timeand space; everything else is secondary. Time isneeded to talk things over, to embrace leisurely,to share plans, to listen to one other and gaze ineach otheras eyes, to appreciate one another andto build a stronger relationship. Sometimes thefrenetic pace of our society and the pressures ofthe workplace create problems. At other times,the problem is the lack of quality time together,sharing the same room without one even noticing the other. Pastoral workers and groups ofmarried people should think of ways to helpyoung or vulnerable couples to make the mostof those moments, to be present to one another,even by sharing moments of meaningful silence.225.a Couples who have learned how to do thiswell can share some practical suggestions whichthey have found useful: planning free time together, moments of recreation with the children,different ways of celebrating important events,shared opportunities for spiritual growth. Theycan also provide resources that help young married couples to make those moments meaningfula Relatio Synodi 2014, 40.

251

171

and loving, and thus to improve their communication. This is extremely important for thestage when the novelty of marriage has worn off.Once a couple no longer knows how to spendtime together, one or both of them will end uptaking refuge in gadgets, finding other commitments, seeking the embrace of another, or simply looking for ways to flee what has become anuncomfortable closeness.226.a Young married couples should be encouraged to develop a routine that gives a healthysense of closeness and stability through shareddaily rituals. These could include a morningkiss, an evening blessing, waiting at the door towelcome each other home, taking trips togetherand sharing household chores. Yet it also helpsto break the routine with a party, and to enjoyfamily celebrations of anniversaries and specialevents. We need these moments of cherishingGodas gifts and renewing our zest for life. Aslong as we can celebrate, we are able to rekindleour love, to free it from monotony and to colourour daily routine with hope.227.a We pastors have to encourage families togrow in faith. This means encouraging frequentconfession, spiritual direction and occasional retreats. It also means encouraging family prayerduring the week, since athe family that prays together stays togethera. When visiting our peopleas homes, we should gather all the membersof the family and briefly pray for one another,172

placing the family in the Lordas hands. It is alsohelpful to encourage each of the spouses to findtime for prayer alone with God, since each hashis or her secret crosses to bear. Why shouldnatwe tell God our troubles and ask him to grantus the healing and help we need to remain faithful? The Synod Fathers noted that athe word ofGod is the source of life and spirituality for thefamily. All pastoral work on behalf of the family must allow people to be interiorly fashionedand formed as members of the domestic churchthrough the Churchas prayerful reading of sacredScripture. The word of God is not only goodnews in a personas private life but also a criterionof judgement and a light in discerning the various challenges that married couples and familiesencountera.252228.a In some cases, one of the spouses is notbaptized or does not want to practice the faith.This can make the otheras desire to live and growin the Christian life difficult and at times painful. Still, some common values can be found andthese can be shared and relished. In any event,showing love for a spouse who is not a believer,bestowing happiness, soothing hurts and sharinglife together represents a true path of sanctification. Love is always a gift of God. Whereverit is poured out, it makes its transforming presence felt, often in mysterious ways, even to thea Ibid., 34.

252

173

point that athe unbelieving husband is consecratedthrough his wife, and the unbelieving wife is consecrated through her husbanda (1 Cor 7:14).229.a Parishes, movements, schools and otherChurch institutions can help in a variety of waysto support families and help them grow. Thesemight include: meetings of couples living in thesame neighbourhood, brief retreats for couples;talks by experts on concrete issues facing families,marriage counselling, home missionaries whohelp couples discuss their difficulties and desires,social services dealing with family problems likeaddiction, infidelity and domestic violence, programmes of spiritual growth, workshops forparents with troubled children and family meetings. The parish office should be prepared todeal helpfully and sensitively with family needsand be able to make referrals, when necessary,to those who can help. There is also the contribution made by groups of married couples thatprovide assistance as part of their commitmentto service, prayer, formation and mutual support.Such groups enable couples to be generous, toassist other families and to share the faith; at thesame time they strengthen marriages and helpthem to grow.230.a It is true that many couples, once married,drop out of the Christian community. Often,however, we ourselves do not take advantage ofthose occasions when they do return, to remindthem of the beautiful ideal of Christian marriage174

and the support that our parishes can offer them.I think, for example, of the Baptism and FirstHoly Communion of their children, or the funerals or weddings of their relatives or friends.Almost all married couples reappear on theseoccasions, and we should take greater advantageof this. Another way of growing closer is byblessing homes or by bringing a pilgrim imageof Our Lady to houses in the neighbourhood;this provides an opportunity for a pastoral conversation about the familyas situation. It couldalso be helpful to ask older married couples tohelp younger couples in the neighbourhood byvisiting them and offering guidance in the earlyyears of marriage. Given the pace of life today,most couples cannot attend frequent meetings;still, we cannot restrict our pastoral outreach tosmall and select groups. Nowadays, pastoral carefor families has to be fundamentally missionary,going out to where people are. We can no longerbe like a factory, churning out courses that forthe most part are poorly attended.Casting light on crises, worries and difficulties

231.a A word should also be said about thosewhose love, like a fine wine, has come into itsown. Just as a good wine begins to abreatheawith time, so too the daily experience of fidelitygives married life richness and abodya. Fidelityhas to do with patience and expectation. Its joysand sacrifices bear fruit as the years go by and thecouple rejoices to see their childrenas children.175

The love present from the beginning becomesmore conscious, settled and mature as the couplediscover each other anew day after day, year afteryear. Saint John of the Cross tells us that aoldlovers are tried and truea. They aare outwardlyno longer afire with powerful emotions and impulses, but now taste the sweetness of the wineof love, well-aged and stored deep within theirheartsa.253 Such couples have successfully overcome crises and hardships without fleeing fromchallenges or concealing problems.The challenge of crises

232.a The life of every family is marked byall kinds of crises, yet these are also part of itsdramatic beauty. Couples should be helped torealize that surmounting a crisis need not weakentheir relationship; instead, it can improve, settleand mature the wine of their union. Life togethershould not diminish but increase their contentment; every new step along the way can helpcouples find new ways to happiness. Each crisis becomes an apprenticeship in growing closertogether or learning a little more about what itmeans to be married. There is no need for couples to resign themselves to an inevitable downward spiral or a tolerable mediocrity. On thecontrary, when marriage is seen as a challengethat involves overcoming obstacles, each crisisa CA!ntico Espiritual B, XXV, 11.

253

176

becomes an opportunity to let the wine of theirrelationship age and improve. Couples will gainfrom receiving help in facing crises, meeting challenges and acknowledging them as part of family life. Experienced and trained couples shouldbe open to offering guidance, so the couples willnot be unnerved by these crises or tempted tohasty decisions. Each crisis has a lesson to teachus; we need to learn how to listen for it with theear of the heart.233.a Faced with a crisis, we tend first to reactdefensively, since we feel that we are losing control, or are somehow at fault, and this makes usuneasy. We resort to denying the problem, hiding or downplaying it, and hoping that it will goaway. But this does not help; it only makes thingsworse, wastes energy and delays a solution. Couples grow apart and lose their ability to communicate. When problems are not dealt with,communication is the first thing to go. Littleby little, the athe person I lovea slowly becomesamy matea, then just athe father or mother ofmy childrena, and finally a stranger.234.a Crises need to be faced together. This ishard, since persons sometimes withdraw in orderto avoid saying what they feel; they retreat intoa craven silence. At these times, it becomes allthe more important to create opportunities forspeaking heart to heart. Unless a couple learnsto do this, they will find it harder and harder astime passes. Communication is an art learned177

in moments of peace in order to be practised inmoments of difficulty. Spouses need help in discovering their deepest thoughts and feelings andexpressing them. Like childbirth, this is a painfulprocess that brings forth a new treasure. Theanswers given to the pre-synodal consultationshowed that most people in difficult or criticalsituations do not seek pastoral assistance, sincethey do not find it sympathetic, realistic or concerned for individual cases. This should spur usto try to approach marriage crises with greatersensitivity to their burden of hurt and anxiety.235.a Some crises are typical of almost everymarriage. Newly married couples need to learnhow to accept their differences and to disengagefrom their parents. The arrival of a child presents new emotional challenges. Raising smallchildren necessitates a change of lifestyle, whilethe onset of adolescence causes strain, frustration and even tension between parents. Anaempty nesta obliges a couple to redefine theirrelationship, while the need to care for aging parents involves making difficult decisions in theirregard. All these are demanding situations thatcan cause apprehension, feelings of guilt, depression and fatigue, with serious repercussions on amarriage.236.a Then there are those personal crises thataffect the life of couples, often involving finances, problems in the workplace, emotional, socialand spiritual difficulties. Unexpected situations178

present themselves, disrupting family life and requiring a process of forgiveness and reconciliation. In resolving sincerely to forgive the other,each has to ask quietly and humbly if he or shehas not somehow created the conditions that ledto the otheras mistakes. Some families break upwhen spouses engage in mutual recrimination,but aexperience shows that with proper assistance and acts of reconciliation, through grace,a great percentage of troubled marriages find asolution in a satisfying manner. To know howto forgive and to feel forgiven is a basic experience in family lifea.254 aThe arduous art of reconciliation, which requires the support of grace,needs the generous cooperation of relatives andfriends, and sometimes even outside help andprofessional assistancea.255237.a It is becoming more and more common tothink that, when one or both partners no longerfeel fulfilled, or things have not turned out theway they wanted, sufficient reason exists to endthe marriage. Were this the case, no marriagewould last. At times, all it takes to decide thateverything is over is a single instance of dissatisfaction, the absence of the other when he orshe was most needed, wounded pride, or a vaguefear. Inevitably, situations will arise involving human weakness and these can prove emotionallyoverwhelming. One spouse may not feel fullya Relatio Synodi 2014, 44.a Relatio Finalis 2015, 81.

254255

179

appreciated, or may be attracted to another person.Jealousy and tensions may emerge, or new interests that consume the otheras time and attention.Physical changes naturally occur in everyone.These, and so many other things, rather thanthreatening love, are so many occasions for reviving and renewing it.238.a In such situations, some have the maturityneeded to reaffirm their choice of the other as theirpartner on lifeas journey, despite the limitationsof the relationship. They realistically accept thatthe other cannot fulfil all their cherished dreams.Persons like this avoid thinking of themselves asmartyrs; they make the most of whatever possibilities family life gives them and they work patiently at strengthening the marriage bond. Theyrealize, after all, that every crisis can be a newayesa, enabling love to be renewed, deepenedand inwardly strengthened. When crises come,they are unafraid to get to the root of it, to renegotiate basic terms, to achieve a new equilibrium and to move forward together. With thiskind of constant openness they are able to faceany number of difficult situations. In any event,while realizing that reconciliation is a possibility,we also see that awhat is urgently needed todayis a ministry to care for those whose marital relationship has broken downa.256

a Ibid., 78.

256

180

Old wounds

239.a Understandably, families often experienceproblems when one of their members is emotionally immature because he or she still bears thescars of earlier experiences. An unhappy childhood or adolescence can breed personal crisesthat affect oneas marriage. Were everyone matureand normal, crises would be less frequent or lesspainful. Yet the fact is that only in their fortiesdo some people achieve a maturity that shouldhave come at the end of adolescence. Some lovewith the selfish, capricious and self-centred loveof a child: an insatiable love that screams or crieswhen it fails to get what it wants. Others lovewith an adolescent love marked by hostility, bittercriticism and the need to blame others; caught upin their own emotions and fantasies, such persons expect others to fill their emptiness and tosatisfy their every desire.240.a Many people leave childhood withoutever having felt unconditional love. This affectstheir ability to be trusting and open with others.A poor relationship with oneas parents and siblings, if left unhealed, can re-emerge and hurta marriage. Unresolved issues need to be dealtwith and a process of liberation must take place.When problems emerge in a marriage, beforeimportant decisions are made it is important toensure that each spouse has come to grips withhis or her own history. This involves recognizinga need for healing, insistent prayer for the grace181

to forgive and be forgiven, a willingness to accepthelp, and the determination not to give up butto keep trying. A sincere self-examination willmake it possible to see how oneas own shortcomings and immaturity affect the relationship. Evenif it seems clear that the other person is at fault, acrisis will never be overcome simply by expectinghim or her to change. We also have to ask whatin our own life needs to grow or heal if the conflict is to be resolved.Accompaniment after breakdown and divorce

241.a In some cases, respect for oneas own dignity and the good of the children requires notgiving in to excessive demands or preventing agrave injustice, violence or chronic ill-treatment.In such cases, aseparation becomes inevitable.At times it even becomes morally necessary, precisely when it is a matter of removing the morevulnerable spouse or young children from serious injury due to abuse and violence, from humiliation and exploitation, and from disregardand indifferencea.257 Even so, aseparation mustbe considered as a last resort, after all other reasonable attempts at reconciliation have provedvaina.258257a Catechesis (24 June 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 25June 2015, p.A 8.258a John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation FamiliarisConsortio (22 November 1981), 83: AAS 74 (1982), 184.

182

242.a The Synod Fathers noted that aspecialdiscernment is indispensable for the pastoralcare of those who are separated, divorced orabandoned. Respect needs to be shown especiallyfor the sufferings of those who have unjustlyendured separation, divorce or abandonment,or those who have been forced by maltreatmentfrom a husband or a wife to interrupt their lifetogether. To forgive such an injustice that hasbeen suffered is not easy, but grace makes thisjourney possible. Pastoral care must necessarilyinclude efforts at reconciliation and mediation,through the establishment of specialized counselling centres in diocesesa.259 At the same time,adivorced people who have not remarried, andoften bear witness to marital fidelity, ought to beencouraged to find in the Eucharist the nourishment they need to sustain them in their presentstate of life. The local community and pastorsshould accompany these people with solicitude,particularly when children are involved or whenthey are in serious financial difficultya.260 Family breakdown becomes even more traumatic andpainful in the case of the poor, since they havefar fewer resources at hand for starting a newlife. A poor person, once removed from a secure family environment, is doubly vulnerable toabandonment and possible harm.

a Relatio Synodi 2014, 47.a Ibid., 50.

259260

243.a It is important that the divorced who haveentered a new union should be made to feel partof the Church. aThey are not excommunicatedaand they should not be treated as such, since theyremain part of the ecclesial community.261 Thesesituations arequire careful discernment and respectful accompaniment. Language or conductthat might lead them to feel discriminated againstshould be avoided, and they should be encouraged to participate in the life of the community.The Christian communityas care of such personsis not to be considered a weakening of its faithand testimony to the indissolubility of marriage;rather, such care is a particular expression of itscharitya.262244.a A large number of Synod Fathers alsoaemphasized the need to make the procedurein cases of nullity more accessible and less timeconsuming, and, if possible, free of chargea.263The slowness of the process causes distress andstrain on the parties. My two recent documentsdealing with this issue264 have simplified the procedures for the declarations of matrimonial nullity. With these, I wished ato make clear that the261a Catechesis (5 August 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 6August 2015, p. 7.262a Relatio Synodi 2014, 51; cf. Relatio Finalis 2015, 84.263a Ibid., 48.264aMotu Proprio Mitis Iudex Dominus Iesus (15 August2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 9 September 2015, pp. 3-4; cf. MotuProprio Mitis et Misericors Iesus (15 August 2015): LaOsservatoreRomano, 9 September 2015, pp. 5-6.

bishop himself, in the Church over which he hasbeen appointed shepherd and head, is by thatvery fact the judge of those faithful entrustedto his carea.265 aThe implementation of thesedocuments is therefore a great responsibility forOrdinaries in dioceses, who are called upon tojudge some cases themselves and, in every case,to ensure the faithful an easier access to justice.This involves preparing a sufficient staff, composed of clerics and lay persons who are primarily deputed to this ecclesial service. Information,counselling and mediation services associatedwith the family apostolate should also be madeavailable to individuals who are separated or couples in crisis. These services could also includemeeting with individuals in view of the preliminary inquiry of a matrimonial process (cf. MitisIudex, art. 2-3)a.266245.a The Synod Fathers also pointed to atheconsequences of separation or divorce on children, in every case the innocent victims of thesituationa.267 Apart from every other consideration, the good of children should be the primaryconcern, and not overshadowed by any ulteriorinterest or objective. I make this appeal to parents who are separated: aNever ever, take your265aMotu Proprio Mitis Iudex Dominus Iesus (15 August2015), Preamble, III: LaOsservatore Romano, 9 September 2015,p. 3.266a Relatio Finalis 2015, 82.267a Relatio Synodi 2014, 47.

185

child hostage! You separated for many problemsand reasons. Life gave you this trial, but yourchildren should not have to bear the burden ofthis separation or be used as hostages against theother spouse. They should grow up hearing theirmother speak well of their father, even thoughthey are not together, and their father speak wellof their mothera.268 It is irresponsible to disparage the other parent as a means of winning achildas affection, or out of revenge or self-justification. Doing so will affect the childas interiortranquillity and cause wounds hard to heal.246.a The Church, while appreciating the situations of conflict that are part of marriage, cannot fail to speak out on behalf of those who aremost vulnerable: the children who often suffer insilence. Today, adespite our seemingly evolvedsensibilities and all our refined psychologicalanalyses, I ask myself if we are not becomingnumb to the hurt in childrenas souls... Do we feelthe immense psychological burden borne by children in families where the members mistreat andhurt one another, to the point of breaking thebonds of marital fidelity?a269 Such harmful experiences do not help children to grow in the maturity needed to make definitive commitments.For this reason, Christian communities must not268a Catechesis (20 May 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 21May 2015, p.A 8.269a Catechesis (24 June 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 25June 2015, p.A 8.

186

abandon divorced parents who have entered anew union, but should include and support themin their efforts to bring up their children. aHowcan we encourage those parents to do everythingpossible to raise their children in the Christianlife, to give them an example of committed andpractical faith, if we keep them at armas lengthfrom the life of the community, as if they weresomehow excommunicated? We must keep fromacting in a way that adds even more to the burdens that children in these situations already haveto bear!a270 Helping heal the wounds of parentsand supporting them spiritually is also beneficialfor children, who need the familiar face of theChurch to see them through this traumatic experience. Divorce is an evil and the increasingnumber of divorces is very troubling. Hence,our most important pastoral task with regardto families is to strengthen their love, helping toheal wounds and working to prevent the spreadof this drama of our times.Certain complex situations

247.a aIssues involving mixed marriages require particular attention. Marriages betweenCatholics and other baptized persons ahavetheir own particular nature, but they contain numerous elements that could well be made gooduse of and developed, both for their intrinsica Catechesis (5 August 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 6August 2015, p. 7.270

187

value and for the contribution that they canmake to the ecumenical movementa. For thispurpose, aan effort should be made to establish cordial cooperation between the Catholicand the non-Catholic ministers from the timethat preparations begin for the marriage andthe wedding ceremonya (Familiaris Consortio, 78).With regard to sharing in the Eucharist, athedecision as to whether the non-Catholic partyof the marriage may be admitted to Eucharisticcommunion is to be made in keeping with thegeneral norms existing in the matter, both forEastern Christians and for other Christians, taking into account the particular situation of thereception of the sacrament of matrimony bytwo baptized Christians. Although the spouses in a mixed marriage share the sacraments ofbaptism and matrimony, eucharistic sharing canonly be exceptional and in each case according to the stated normsa (Pontifical Council forPromoting Christian Unity, Directory for the Application of Principles and Norms on Ecumenism, 25March 1993, 159-160)a.271248.a aMarriages involving disparity of cultrepresent a privileged place for interreligious dialogue in everyday lifea| They involve specialdifficulties regarding both the Christian identity of the family and the religious upbringingof the childrena| The number of householdsa Relatio Finalis 2015, 72.

271

188

with married couples with disparity of cult,on the rise in mission territories, and even incountries of long Christian tradition, urgentlyrequires providing a differentiated pastoral careaccording to various social and cultural contexts. In some countries where freedom ofreligion does not exist, the Christian spouse isobliged to convert to another religion in orderto marry, and, therefore, cannot celebrate a canonical marriage involving disparity of cult orbaptize the children. We must therefore reiterate the necessity that the religious freedomof all be respecteda.272 aAttention needs to begiven to the persons who enter such marriages, not only in the period before the wedding.Unique challenges face couples and families inwhich one partner is Catholic and the other isa non-believer. In such cases, bearing witnessto the ability of the Gospel to immerse itself inthese situations will make possible the upbringing of their children in the Christian faitha.273249.a aParticular problems arise when personsin a complex marital situation wish to be baptized. These persons contracted a stable marriageat a time when at least one of them did not knowthe Christian faith. In such cases, bishops arecalled to exercise a pastoral discernment which iscommensurate with their spiritual gooda.274a Ibid., 73.a Ibid., 74.274a Ibid., 75.272273

189

250.a The Church makes her own the attitude of the Lord Jesus, who offers his boundless love to each person without exception.275During the Synod, we discussed the situationof families whose members include personswho experience same-sex attraction, a situationnot easy either for parents or for children. Wewould like before all else to reaffirm that everyperson, regardless of sexual orientation, oughtto be respected in his or her dignity and treatedwith consideration, while aevery sign of unjustdiscriminationa is to be carefully avoided,276 particularly any form of aggression and violence.Such families should be given respectful pastoral guidance, so that those who manifest a homosexual orientation can receive the assistancethey need to understand and fully carry outGodas will in their lives.277251.a In discussing the dignity and mission ofthe family, the Synod Fathers observed that, aasfor proposals to place unions between homosexual persons on the same level as marriage,there are absolutely no grounds for consideringhomosexual unions to be in any way similar oreven remotely analogous to Godas plan for marriage and familya. It is unacceptable athat localChurches should be subjected to pressure ina Cf. Bull Misericordiae Vultus, 12: AAS 107 (2015), 407.a Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2358; cf. RelatioFinalis 2015, 76.277a Ibid.275276

190

this matter and that international bodies shouldmake financial aid to poor countries dependenton the introduction of laws to establish amarriagea between persons of the same sexa.278252.a Single-parent families often result fromathe unwillingness of biological mothers or fathers to be part of a familyI3/4 situations of violence, where one parent is forced to flee with thechildrenI3/4 the death of one of the parentsI3/4 theabandonment of the family by one parent, andother situations. Whatever the cause, single parents must receive encouragement and supportfrom other families in the Christian community,and from the parishas pastoral outreach. Oftenthese families endure other hardships, such aseconomic difficulties, uncertain employmentprospects, problems with child support and lackof housinga.279When death makes us feel its sting

253.a At times family life is challenged by thedeath of a loved one. We cannot fail to offerthe light of faith as a support to families goingthrough this experience.280 To turn our backs ona grieving family would show a lack of mercy,a Relatio Finalis 2015, 76; cf. Congregation for theDoctrine of the Faith, Considerations Regarding Proposals toGive Legal Recognition to Unions between Homosexual Persons (3June 2003), 4.279a Ibid., 80.280aCf. ibid., 20.278

191

mean the loss of a pastoral opportunity, andclose the door to other efforts at evangelization.254.a I can understand the anguish felt by thosewho have lost a much-loved person, a spousewith whom they have shared so much. Jesushimself was deeply moved and began to weepat the death of a friend (cf. Jn 11:33, 35). Andhow can we even begin to understand the griefof parents who have lost a child? aIt is as iftime stops altogether: a chasm opens to engulfboth past and futurea, and aat times we even goso far as to lay the blame on God. How manypeople a I can understand them a get angry withGoda.281 aLosing oneas spouse is particularly difficulta| From the moment of enduring a loss,some display an ability to concentrate their energies in a greater dedication to their childrenand grandchildren, finding in this experience oflove a renewed sense of mission in raising theirchildrena|. Those who do not have relatives tospend time with and to receive affection from,should be aided by the Christian community withparticular attention and availability, especially ifthey are poora.282255.a Ordinarily, the grieving process takes afair amount of time, and when a pastor mustaccompany that process, he has to adapt to thea Catechesis (17 June 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 18June 2015, p. 8.282a Relatio Finalis 2015, 19.281

192

demands of each of its stages. The entire process is filled with questions: about the reasonswhy the loved one had to die, about all the thingsthat might have been done, about what a personexperiences at the moment of death. With a sincere and patient process of prayer and interiorliberation, peace returns. At particular times, wehave to help the grieving person to realize that,after the loss of a loved one, we still have a mission to carry out, and that it does us no goodto prolong the suffering, as if it were a form oftribute. Our loved ones have no need of oursuffering, nor does it flatter them that we shouldruin our lives. Nor is it the best expression oflove to dwell on them and keep bringing up theirname, because this is to be dependent on the pastinstead of continuing to love them now that theyare elsewhere. They can no longer be physicallypresent to us, yet for all deathas power, alove isstrong as deatha (Song 8:6). Love involves an intuition that can enable us to hear without soundsand to see the unseen. This does not mean imagining our loved ones as they were, but being ableto accept them changed as they now are. Therisen Jesus, when his friend Mary tried to embrace him, told her not to hold on to him (cf. Jn20:17), in order to lead her to a different kind ofencounter.256.a It consoles us to know that those whodie do not completely pass away, and faith assures us that the risen Lord will never abandon193

us. Thus we can aprevent death from poisoninglife, from rendering vain our love, from pushingus into the darkest chasma.283 The Bible tells usthat God created us out of love and made us insuch a way that our life does not end with death(cf. Wis 3:2-3). Saint Paul speaks to us of anencounter with Christ immediately after death:aMy desire is to depart and be with Christa (Phil1:23). With Christ, after death, there awaits usawhat God has prepared for those who lovehima (1 Cor 2:9). The Preface of the Liturgyof the Dead puts it nicely: aAlthough the certainty of death saddens us, we are consoled bythe promise of future immortality. For the lifeof those who believe in you, Lord, is not ended but changeda. Indeed, aour loved ones arenot lost in the shades of nothingness; hope assures us that they are in the good strong handsof Goda.284257.a One way of maintaining fellowship withour loved ones is to pray for them.285 The Bible tells us that ato pray for the deada is aholyand piousa (2 Macc 12:44-45). aOur prayer forthem is capable not only of helping them, butalso of making their intercession for us effectivea.286 The Book of Revelation portrays the283a Catechesis (17 June 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 18June 2015, p. 8.284a Ibid.285a Cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 958.286a Ibid.

194

martyrs interceding for those who suffer injustice on earth (cf. Rev 6:9-11), in solidarity withthis world and its history. Some saints, beforedying, consoled their loved ones by promisingthem that they would be near to help them.Saint Therese of Lisieux wished to continue doing good from heaven.287 Saint Dominic statedthat ahe would be more helpful after deatha|more powerful in obtaining gracesa.288 Theseare truly abonds of lovea,289 because athe unionof the wayfarers with the brethren who sleep inthe Lord is in no way interrupteda| [but] reinforced by an exchange of spiritual goodsa.290258.a If we accept death, we can prepare ourselves for it. The way is to grow in our love forthose who walk at our side, until that day whenadeath will be no more, mourning and cryingand pain will be no morea (Rev 21:4). We willthus prepare ourselves to meet once more ourloved ones who have died. Just as Jesus agaveback to his mothera (cf. Lk 7:15) her son whohad died, so it will be with us. Let us not wastea Cf. Therese of Lisieux, Derniers Entretiens: Le acarnetjaunea de MA"re AgnA"s, 17 July 1897, in Oeuvres ComplA"tes, Paris,1996, 1050. Her Carmelite sisters spoke of a promise made bySaint Therese that her departure from this world would be alikea shower of rosesa (ibid., 9 June 1897, 1013).288a Jordan of Saxony, Libellus de principiis OrdinisPraedicatorum, 93: Monumenta Historica Sancti Patris Nostri Dominici,XVI, Rome, 1935, p. 69.289a Cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 957.290a Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, DogmaticConstitution on the Church Lumen Gentium, 49.287

195

energy by dwelling on the distant past. The better we live on this earth, the greater the happiness we will be able to share with our loved onesin heaven. The more we are able to mature anddevelop in this world, the more gifts will we beable to bring to the heavenly banquet.

196

CHAPTER SEVEN

TOWARDS A BETTER EDUCATIONOF CHILDREN259.a Parents always influence the moral development of their children, for better or for worse.It follows that they should take up this essentialrole and carry it out consciously, enthusiastically,reasonably and appropriately. Since the educational role of families is so important, and increasingly complex, I would like to discuss it indetail.Where are our children?

260.a Families cannot help but be places of support, guidance and direction, however much theymay have to rethink their methods and discovernew resources. Parents need to consider whatthey want their children to be exposed to, andthis necessarily means being concerned aboutwho is providing their entertainment, who is entering their rooms through television and electronic devices, and with whom they are spendingtheir free time. Only if we devote time to ourchildren, speaking of important things with simplicity and concern, and finding healthy ways forthem to spend their time, will we be able to shieldthem from harm. Vigilance is always necessary197

and neglect is never beneficial. Parents have tohelp prepare children and adolescents to confront the risk, for example, of aggression, abuseor drug addiction.261.a Obsession, however, is not education. Wecannot control every situation that a child mayexperience. Here it remains true that atime isgreater than spacea.291 In other words, it is moreimportant to start processes than to dominatespaces. If parents are obsessed with alwaysknowing where their children are and controllingall their movements, they will seek only todominate space. But this is no way to educate,strengthen and prepare their children to facechallenges. What is most important is the abilitylovingly to help them grow in freedom, maturity, overall discipline and real autonomy. Onlyin this way will children come to possess thewherewithal needed to fend for themselves andto act intelligently and prudently whenever theymeet with difficulties. The real question, then, isnot where our children are physically, or whomthey are with at any given time, but rather wherethey are existentially, where they stand in termsof their convictions, goals, desires and dreams.The questions I would put to parents are these:aDo we seek to understand awherea our childrenreally are in their journey? Where is their soul,a Apostolic Exhortation EvangeliiNovember 2013), 222: AAS 105 (2013), 1111.291

198

Gaudium

(24

do we really know? And above all, do we wantto know?a.292262.a Were maturity merely the development ofsomething already present in our genetic code,not much would have to be done. But prudence,good judgement and common sense are dependent not on purely quantitative growth factors, butrather on a whole series of things that come together deep within each person, or better, at thevery core of our freedom. Inevitably, each childwill surprise us with ideas and projects born ofthat freedom, which challenge us to rethink ourown ideas. This is a good thing. Education includes encouraging the responsible use of freedom to face issues with good sense and intelligence. It involves forming persons who readilyunderstand that their own lives, and the life ofthe community, are in their hands, and that freedom is itself a great gift.The ethical formation of children

263.a Parents rely on schools to ensure thebasic instruction of their children, but cannever completely delegate the moral formationof their children to others. A personas affectiveand ethical development is ultimately groundedin a particular experience, namely, that his or herparents can be trusted. This means that parents,a Catechesis (20 May 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 21May 2015, p. 8.292

199

as educators, are responsible, by their affectionand example, for instilling in their children trustand loving respect. When children no longerfeel that, for all their faults, they are important totheir parents, or that their parents are sincerelyconcerned about them, this causes deep hurtand many difficulties along their path to maturity. This physical or emotional absence createsgreater hurt than any scolding which a child mayreceive for doing something wrong.264.a Parents are also responsible for shapingthe will of their children, fostering good habits and a natural inclination to goodness. Thisentails presenting certain ways of thinking andacting as desirable and worthwhile, as part of agradual process of growth. The desire to fit intosociety, or the habit of foregoing an immediatepleasure for the sake of a better and more orderly life in common, is itself a value that canthen inspire openness to greater values. Moralformation should always take place with activemethods and a dialogue that teaches throughsensitivity and by using a language children canunderstand. It should also take place inductively,so that children can learn for themselves the importance of certain values, principles and norms,rather than by imposing these as absolute andunquestionable truths.265.a Doing what is right means more thanajudging what seems besta or knowing clearlywhat needs to be done, as important as this is.200

Often we prove inconsistent in our own convictions, however firm they may be; even whenour conscience dictates a clear moral decision,other factors sometimes prove more attractiveand powerful. We have to arrive at the pointwhere the good that the intellect grasps can takeroot in us as a profound affective inclination, asa thirst for the good that outweighs other attractions and helps us to realize that what we consider objectively good is also good afor usa here andnow. A good ethical education includes showing a person that it is in his own interest to dowhat is right. Today, it is less and less effectiveto demand something that calls for effort andsacrifice, without clearly pointing to the benefitswhich it can bring.266.a Good habits need to be developed. Evenchildhood habits can help to translate importantinteriorized values into sound and steady ways ofacting. A person may be sociable and open toothers, but if over a long period of time he hasnot been trained by his elders to say aPleasea,aThank youa, and aSorrya, his good interior disposition will not easily come to the fore. Thestrengthening of the will and the repetition ofspecific actions are the building blocks of moralconduct; without the conscious, free and valuedrepetition of certain patterns of good behaviour, moral education does not take place. Meredesire, or an attraction to a certain value, is not201

enough to instil a virtue in the absence of thoseproperly motivated acts.267.a Freedom is something magnificent, yetit can also be dissipated and lost. Moral education has to do with cultivating freedom throughideas, incentives, practical applications, stimuli, rewards, examples, models, symbols, reflections, encouragement, dialogue and a constantrethinking of our way of doing things; all thesecan help develop those stable interior principlesthat lead us spontaneously to do good. Virtueis a conviction that has become a steadfast innerprinciple of operation. The virtuous life thusbuilds, strengthens and shapes freedom, lest webecome slaves of dehumanizing and antisocialinclinations. For human dignity itself demandsthat each of us aact out of conscious and freechoice, as moved and drawn in a personal wayfrom withina.293The value of correction as an incentive

268.a It is also essential to help children andadolescents to realize that misbehaviour hasconsequences. They need to be encouraged toput themselves in other peopleas shoes and toacknowledge the hurt they have caused. Somepunishments a those for aggressive, antisociala Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, PastoralConstitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium etSpes, 17.293

202

conduct - can partially serve this purpose. It isimportant to train children firmly to ask forgiveness and to repair the harm done to others. Asthe educational process bears fruit in the growthof personal freedom, children come to appreciate that it was good to grow up in a family andeven to put up with the demands that every process of formation makes.269.a Correction is also an incentive wheneverchildrenas efforts are appreciated and acknowledged, and they sense their parentsa constant, patient trust. Children who are lovingly correctedfeel cared for; they perceive that they are individuals whose potential is recognized. This doesnot require parents to be perfect, but to be ablehumbly to acknowledge their own limitationsand make efforts to improve. Still, one of thethings children need to learn from their parentsis not to get carried away by anger. A child whodoes something wrong must be corrected, butnever treated as an enemy or an object on whichto take out oneas own frustrations. Adults alsoneed to realize that some kinds of misbehaviourhave to do with the frailty and limitations typicalof youth. An attitude constantly prone to punishment would be harmful and not help childrento realize that some actions are more seriousthan others. It would lead to discouragementand resentment: aParents, do not provoke yourchildrena (Eph 6:4; cf. Col 3:21).203

270.a It is important that discipline not lead todiscouragement, but be instead a stimulus to further progress. How can discipline be best interiorized? How do we ensure that discipline isa constructive limit placed on a childas actionsand not a barrier standing in the way of his orher growth? A balance has to be found betweentwo equally harmful extremes. One would be totry to make everything revolve around the childasdesires; such children will grow up with a senseof their rights but not their responsibilities. Theother would be to deprive the child of an awareness of his or her dignity, personal identity andrights; such children end up overwhelmed bytheir duties and a need to carry out other peopleas wishes.Patient realism

271.a Moral education entails asking of a childor a young person only those things that do notinvolve a disproportionate sacrifice, and demanding only a degree of effort that will not lead toresentment or coercion. Ordinarily this is doneby proposing small steps that can be understood,accepted and appreciated, while including a proportionate sacrifice. Otherwise, by demandingtoo much, we gain nothing. Once the child isfree of our authority, he or she may possiblycease to do good.272.a Ethical formation is at times frowned upon,due to experiences of neglect, disappointment,204

lack of affection or poor models of parenting.Ethical values are associated with negative imagesof parental figures or the shortcomings of adults.For this reason, adolescents should be helped todraw analogies: to appreciate that values are bestembodied in a few exemplary persons, but also realized imperfectly and to different degrees in others. At the same time, since their hesitation canbe tied to bad experiences, they need help in theprocess of inner healing and in this way to growin the ability to understand and live in peace withothers and the larger community.273.a In proposing values, we have to proceedslowly, taking into consideration the childas ageand abilities, without presuming to apply rigidand inflexible methods. The valuable contributions of psychology and the educational scienceshave shown that changing a childas behaviour involves a gradual process, but also that freedomneeds to be channeled and stimulated, since byitself it does not ensure growth in maturity. Situated freedom, real freedom, is limited and conditioned. It is not simply the ability to choose whatis good with complete spontaneity. A distinctionis not always adequately drawn between avoluntarya and afreea acts. A person may clearlyand willingly desire something evil, but do soas the result of an irresistible passion or a poorupbringing. In such cases, while the decision isvoluntary, inasmuch as it does not run counter tothe inclination of their desire, it is not free, since205

it is practically impossible for them not to choosethat evil. We see this in the case of compulsivedrug addicts. When they want a fix, they wantit completely, yet they are so conditioned that atthat moment no other decision is possible. Theirdecision is voluntary but not free. It makes nosense to alet them freely choosea, since in factthey cannot choose, and exposing them to drugsonly increases their addiction. They need thehelp of others and a process of rehabilitation.Family life as an educational setting

274.a The family is the first school of humanvalues, where we learn the wise use of freedom. Certain inclinations develop in childhoodand become so deeply rooted that they remainthroughout life, either as attractions to a particular value or a natural repugnance to certain waysof acting. Many people think and act in a certainway because they deem it to be right on the basisof what they learned, as if by osmosis, from theirearliest years: aThatas how I was taughta. aThataswhat I learned to doa. In the family we can alsolearn to be critical about certain messages sentby the various media. Sad to say, some televisionprogrammes or forms of advertising often negatively influence and undercut the values inculcatedin family life.275.a In our own day, dominated by stress andrapid technological advances, one of the mostimportant tasks of families is to provide an206

education in hope. This does not mean preventing children from playing with electronic devices,but rather finding ways to help them developtheir critical abilities and not to think that digitalspeed can apply to everything in life. Postponing desires does not mean denying them but simply deferring their fulfilment. When children oradolescents are not helped to realize that somethings have to be waited for, they can becomeobsessed with satisfying their immediate needsand develop the vice of awanting it all nowa.This is a grand illusion which does not favourfreedom but weakens it. On the other hand,when we are taught to postpone some things until the right moment, we learn self-mastery anddetachment from our impulses. When childrenrealize that they have to be responsible for themselves, their self-esteem is enriched. This in turnteaches them to respect the freedom of others.Obviously this does not mean expecting children to act like adults, but neither does it meanunderestimating their ability to grow in responsible freedom. In a healthy family, this learningprocess usually takes place through the demandsmade by life in common.276.a The family is the primary setting for socialization, since it is where we first learn to relate to others, to listen and share, to be patientand show respect, to help one another and live asone. The task of education is to make us sensethat the world and society are also our home;207

it trains us how to live together in this greaterhome. In the family, we learn closeness, care andrespect for others. We break out of our fatal selfabsorption and come to realize that we are livingwith and alongside others who are worthy of ourconcern, our kindness and our affection. Thereis no social bond without this primary, everyday,almost microscopic aspect of living side by side,crossing paths at different times of the day, beingconcerned about everything that affects us, helping one another with ordinary little things. Everyday the family has to come up with new ways ofappreciating and acknowledging its members.277.a In the family too, we can rethink our habits of consumption and join in caring for the environment as our common home. aThe familyis the principal agent of an integral ecology, because it is the primary social subject which contains within it the two fundamental principlesof human civilization on earth: the principle ofcommunion and the principle of fruitfulnessa.294In the same way, times of difficulty and troublein the lives of family life can teach important lessons. This happens, for example, when illnessstrikes, since ain the face of illness, even in families, difficulties arise due to human weakness. Butin general, times of illness enable family bondsto grow strongera| An education that fails toencourage sensitivity to human illness makes thea Catechesis (30 September 2015): LaOsservatore Romano,1 October 2015, p. 8.294

208

heart grow cold; it makes young people aanesthetizeda to the suffering of others, incapable offacing suffering and of living the experience oflimitationa.295278.a The educational process that occurs between parents and children can be helped orhindered by the increasing sophistication ofthe communications and entertainment media.When well used, these media can be helpful forconnecting family members who live apart fromone another. Frequent contacts help to overcomedifficulties.296 Still, it is clear that these mediacannot replace the need for more personal anddirect dialogue, which requires physical presenceor at least hearing the voice of the other person.We know that sometimes they can keep peopleapart rather than together, as when at dinnertimeeveryone is surfing on a mobile phone, or whenone spouse falls asleep waiting for the other whospends hours playing with an electronic device.This is also something that families have to discuss and resolve in ways which encourage interaction without imposing unrealistic prohibitions.In any event, we cannot ignore the risks thatthese new forms of communication pose forchildren and adolescents; at times they can fosterapathy and disconnect from the real world. Thisatechnological disconnecta exposes them morea Catechesis (10 June 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 11June 2015, p. 8.296a Cf. Relatio Finalis 2015, 67.295

209

easily to manipulation by those who wouldinvade their private space with selfish interests.279.a Nor is it good for parents to be domineering. When children are made to feel thatonly their parents can be trusted, this hinders anadequate process of socialization and growth inaffective maturity. To help expand the parental relationship to broader realities, aChristiancommunities are called to offer support to theeducational mission of familiesa,297 particularlythrough the catechesis associated with Christianinitiation. To foster an integral education, weneed to arenew the covenant between the family and the Christian communitya.298 The Synodwanted to emphasize the importance of Catholic schools which aplay a vital role in assistingparents in their duty to raise their childrena|Catholic schools should be encouraged in theirmission to help pupils grow into mature adultswho can view the world with the love of Jesusand who can understand life as a call to serveGoda.299 For this reason, athe Church stronglyaffirms her freedom to set forth her teaching andthe right of conscientious objection on the partof educatorsa.300a Catechesis (20 May 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 21May 2015, p. 8.298a Catechesis (9 September 2015): LaOsservatore Romano,10 September 2015, p. 8.299a Relatio Finalis 2015, 68.300a Ibid., 58297

210

The need for sex education

280.a The Second Vatican Council spoke of theneed for aa positive and prudent sex educationato be imparted to children and adolescents aasthey grow oldera, with adue weight being givento the advances in the psychological, pedogogicaland didactic sciencesa.301 We may well ask ourselves if our educational institutions have takenup this challenge. It is not easy to approach theissue of sex education in an age when sexualitytends to be trivialized and impoverished. It canonly be seen within the broader framework ofan education for love, for mutual self-giving. Insuch a way, the language of sexuality would notbe sadly impoverished but illuminated and enriched. The sexual urge can be directed througha process of growth in self-knowledge and selfcontrol capable of nurturing valuable capacitiesfor joy and for loving encounter.281.a Sex education should provide informationwhile keeping in mind that children and youngpeople have not yet attained full maturity. Theinformation has to come at a proper time and ina way suited to their age. It is not helpful to overwhelm them with data without also helping themto develop a critical sense in dealing with the onslaught of new ideas and suggestions, the floodof pornography and the overload of stimuli thata Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Declarationon Christian Education Gravissimum Educationis, 1.301

211

can deform sexuality. Young people need to realize that they are bombarded by messages thatare not beneficial for their growth towards maturity. They should be helped to recognize andto seek out positive influences, while shunningthe things that cripple their capacity for love. Wealso have to realize that aa new and more appropriate languagea is needed ain introducing children and adolescents to the topic of sexualitya.302282.a A sexual education that fosters a healthysense of modesty has immense value, howevermuch some people nowadays consider modesty arelic of a bygone era. Modesty is a natural meanswhereby we defend our personal privacy and prevent ourselves from being turned into objects tobe used. Without a sense of modesty, affectionand sexuality can be reduced to an obsession withgenitality and unhealthy behaviours that distortour capacity for love, and with forms of sexualviolence that lead to inhuman treatment or causehurt to others.283.a Frequently, sex education deals primarilywith aprotectiona through the practice of asafesexa. Such expressions convey a negative attitude towards the natural procreative finality ofsexuality, as if an eventual child were an enemyto be protected against. This way of thinkingpromotes narcissism and aggressivity in place ofa Relatio Finalis 2015, 56.

302

212

acceptance. It is always irresponsible to inviteadolescents to toy with their bodies and theirdesires, as if they possessed the maturity, values,mutual commitment and goals proper to marriage. They end up being blithely encouraged touse other persons as an means of fulfilling theirneeds or limitations. The important thing is toteach them sensitivity to different expressions oflove, mutual concern and care, loving respect anddeeply meaningful communication. All of theseprepare them for an integral and generous giftof self that will be expressed, following a publiccommitment, in the gift of their bodies. Sexualunion in marriage will thus appear as a sign of anall-inclusive commitment, enriched by everythingthat has preceded it.284.a Young people should not be deceived intoconfusing two levels of reality: asexual attractioncreates, for the moment, the illusion of union,yet, without love, this auniona leaves strangers asfar apart as they were beforea.303 The languageof the body calls for a patient apprenticeship inlearning to interpret and channel desires in viewof authentic self-giving. When we presume togive everything all at once, it may well be that wegive nothing. It is one thing to understand howfragile and bewildered young people can be, butanother thing entirely to encourage them to prolong their immaturity in the way they show love.a Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, New York, 1956, p. 54.

303

213

But who speaks of these things today? Who iscapable of taking young people seriously? Whohelps them to prepare seriously for a great andgenerous love? Where sex education is concerned, much is at stake.285.a Sex education should also include respectand appreciation for differences, as a way of helping the young to overcome their self-absorptionand to be open and accepting of others. Beyondthe understandable difficulties which individualsmay experience, the young need to be helpedto accept their own body as it was created, forathinking that we enjoy absolute power over ourown bodies turns, often subtly, into thinking thatwe enjoy absolute power over creationa| An appreciation of our body as male or female is alsonecessary for our own self-awareness in an encounter with others different from ourselves. Inthis way we can joyfully accept the specific giftsof another man or woman, the work of God theCreator, and find mutual enrichmenta.304 Only bylosing the fear of being different, can we be freedof self-centredness and self-absorption. Sex education should help young people to accept theirown bodies and to avoid the pretension ato cancel out sexual difference because one no longerknows how to deal with ita.305a Encyclical Letter Laudato Sia (24 May 2015), 155.a Catechesis (15 April 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 16April 2015, p. 8.304305

214

286.a Nor can we ignore the fact that the configuration of our own mode of being, whether asmale or female, is not simply the result of biological or genetic factors, but of multiple elementshaving to do with temperament, family history,culture, experience, education, the influence offriends, family members and respected persons,as well as other formative situations. It is truethat we cannot separate the masculine and thefeminine from Godas work of creation, which isprior to all our decisions and experiences, andwhere biological elements exist which are impossible to ignore. But it is also true that masculinityand femininity are not rigid categories. It is possible, for example, that a husbandas way of beingmasculine can be flexibly adapted to the wifeaswork schedule. Taking on domestic chores orsome aspects of raising children does not makehim any less masculine or imply failure, irresponsibility or cause for shame. Children have to behelped to accept as normal such healthy aexchangesa which do not diminish the dignity ofthe father figure. A rigid approach turns into anoveraccentuation of the masculine or feminine,and does not help children and young people toappreciate the genuine reciprocity incarnate inthe real conditions of matrimony. Such rigidity,in turn, can hinder the development of an individualas abilities, to the point of leading him orher to think, for example, that it is not really masculine to cultivate art or dance, or not very feminine to exercise leadership. This, thank God, has215

changed, but in some places deficient notionsstill condition the legitimate freedom and hamper the authentic development of childrenas specific identity and potential.Passing on the faith

287.a Raising children calls for an orderly process of handing on the faith. This is made difficult by current lifestyles, work schedules and thecomplexity of todayas world, where many peoplekeep up a frenetic pace just to survive.306 Even so,the home must continue to be the place where welearn to appreciate the meaning and beauty of thefaith, to pray and to serve our neighbour. Thisbegins with baptism, in which, as Saint Augustinesaid, mothers who bring their children acooperate in the sacred birthinga.307 Thus begins thejourney of growth in that new life. Faith is Godasgift, received in baptism, and not our own work,yet parents are the means that God uses for it togrow and develop. Hence ait is beautiful whenmothers teach their little children to blow a kissto Jesus or to Our Lady. How much love thereis in that! At that moment the childas heart becomes a place of prayera.308 Handing on the faithpresumes that parents themselves genuinely trustGod, seek him and sense their need for him, fora Cf. Relatio Finalis 2015, 13-14.a Augustine, De sancta virginitate 7,7: PL 40, 400.308a Catechesis (26 August 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 27August 2015, p. 8.306307

216

only in this way does aone generation laud yourworks to another, and declare your mighty actsa(Ps 144:4) and afathers make known to childrenyour faithfulnessa (Is 38:19). This means that weneed to ask God to act in their hearts, in places where we ourselves cannot reach. A mustardseed, small as it is, becomes a great tree (cf. Mt13:31-32); this teaches us to see the disproportionbetween our actions and their effects. We knowthat we do not own the gift, but that its care isentrusted to us. Yet our creative commitment isitself an offering which enables us to cooperatewith Godas plan. For this reason, acouples andparents should be properly appreciated as activeagents in catechesisa| Family catechesis is ofgreat assistance as an effective method in trainingyoung parents to be aware of their mission as theevangelizers of their own familya.309288.a Education in the faith has to adapt to eachchild, since older resources and recipes do notalways work. Children need symbols, actions andstories. Since adolescents usually have issues withauthority and rules, it is best to encourage theirown experience of faith and to provide themwith attractive testimonies that win them over bytheir sheer beauty. Parents desirous of nurturingthe faith of their children are sensitive to theirpatterns of growth, for they know that spiritualexperience is not imposed but freely proposed.a Relatio Finalis 2015, 89.

309

217

It is essential that children actually see that, fortheir parents, prayer is something truly important. Hence moments of family prayer and actsof devotion can be more powerful for evangelization than any catechism class or sermon. HereI would like to express my particular gratitude toall those mothers who continue to pray, like SaintMonica, for their children who have strayed fromChrist.289.a The work of handing on the faith to children, in the sense of facilitating its expression andgrowth, helps the whole family in its evangelizingmission. It naturally begins to spread the faith toall around them, even outside of the family circle.Children who grew up in missionary families often become missionaries themselves; growing upin warm and friendly families, they learn to relateto the world in this way, without giving up theirfaith or their convictions. We know that Jesushimself ate and drank with sinners (cf. Mk 2:16;Mt 11:19), conversed with a Samaritan woman(cf. Jn 4:7-26), received Nicodemus by night (cf.Jn 3:1-21), allowed his feet to be anointed by aprostitute (cf. Lk 7:36-50) and did not hesitateto lay his hands on those who were sick (cf. Mk1:40-45; 7:33). The same was true of his apostles,who did not look down on others, or cluster together in small and elite groups, cut off fromthe life of their people. Although the authorities harassed them, they nonetheless enjoyed the218

favour aof all the peoplea (Acts 2:47; cf. 4:21, 33;5:13).290.a aThe family is thus an agent of pastoralactivity through its explicit proclamation of theGospel and its legacy of varied forms of witness,namely solidarity with the poor, openness to adiversity of people, the protection of creation,moral and material solidarity with other families, including those most in need, commitmentto the promotion of the common good and thetransformation of unjust social structures, beginning in the territory in which the family lives,through the practice of the corporal and spiritualworks of mercya.310 All this is an expression ofour profound Christian belief in the love of theFather who guides and sustains us, a love manifested in the total self-gift of Jesus Christ, whoeven now lives in our midst and enables us toface together the storms of life at every stage. Inall families the Good News needs to resound, ingood times and in bad, as a source of light alongthe way. All of us should be able to say, thanksto the experience of our life in the family: aWecome to believe in the love that God has for usa(1 Jn 4:16). Only on the basis of this experiencewill the Churchas pastoral care for families enablethem to be both domestic churches and a leavenof evangelization in society.a Ibid., 93.

310

219

CHAPTER EIGHT

ACCOMPANYING, DISCERNINGAND INTEGRATING WEAKNESS291.a The Synod Fathers stated that, althoughthe Church realizes that any breach of the marriage bond ais against the will of Goda, she isalso aconscious of the frailty of many of her childrena.311 Illumined by the gaze of Jesus Christ,ashe turns with love to those who participate inher life in an incomplete manner, recognizingthat the grace of God works also in their lives bygiving them the courage to do good, to care forone another in love and to be of service to thecommunity in which they live and worka.312 Thisapproach is also confirmed by our celebration ofthis Jubilee Year devoted to mercy. Although sheconstantly holds up the call to perfection and asksfor a fuller response to God, athe Church mustaccompany with attention and care the weakestof her children, who show signs of a woundedand troubled love, by restoring in them hope andconfidence, like the beacon of a lighthouse in aport or a torch carried among the people to enlighten those who have lost their way or who area Relatio Synodi 2014, 24.a Ibid. 25.

311312

221

in the midst of a storma.313 Let us not forgetthat the Churchas task is often like that of a fieldhospital.292.a Christian marriage, as a reflection of theunion between Christ and his Church, is fullyrealized in the union between a man and a womanwho give themselves to each other in a free,faithful and exclusive love, who belong to eachother until death and are open to the transmission of life, and are consecrated by the sacrament, which grants them the grace to becomea domestic church and a leaven of new life forsociety. Some forms of union radically contradict this ideal, while others realize it in at least apartial and analogous way. The Synod Fathersstated that the Church does not disregard theconstructive elements in those situations whichdo not yet or no longer correspond to her teaching on marriage.314Gradualness in pastoral care

293.a The Fathers also considered the specificsituation of a merely civil marriage or, with duedistinction, even simple cohabitation, noting thatawhen such unions attain a particular stability, legally recognized, are characterized by deepaffection and responsibility for their offspring,and demonstrate an ability to overcome trials,a Ibid., 28.a Cf. ibid., 41, 43; Relatio Finalis 2015, 70.

313314

222

they can provide occasions for pastoral care witha view to the eventual celebration of the sacrament of marriagea.315 On the other hand, it is asource of concern that many young people todaydistrust marriage and live together, putting offindefinitely the commitment of marriage, whileyet others break a commitment already made andimmediately assume a new one. aAs members ofthe Church, they too need pastoral care that ismerciful and helpfula.316 For the Churchas pastorsare not only responsible for promoting Christianmarriage, but also the apastoral discernment ofthe situations of a great many who no longer livethis reality. Entering into pastoral dialogue withthese persons is needed to distinguish elementsin their lives that can lead to a greater opennessto the Gospel of marriage in its fullnessa.317 Inthis pastoral discernment, there is a need atoidentify elements that can foster evangelizationand human and spiritual growtha.318294.a aThe choice of a civil marriage or, inmany cases, of simple cohabitation, is often notmotivated by prejudice or resistance to a sacramental union, but by cultural or contingent situationsa.319 In such cases, respect also can be shownfor those signs of love which in some way reflecta Ibid., 27.a Ibid., 26.317a Ibid., 41.318a Ibid.319a Relatio Finalis 2015, 71.315316

223

Godas own love.320 We know that there is aa continual increase in the number of those who, afterhaving lived together for a long period, requestthe celebration of marriage in Church. Simply tolive together is often a choice based on a generalattitude opposed to anything institutional or definitive; it can also be done while awaiting moresecurity in life (a steady job and steady income).In some countries, de facto unions are very numerous, not only because of a rejection of valuesconcerning the family and matrimony, but primarily because celebrating a marriage is considered too expensive in the social circumstances.As a result, material poverty drives people intode facto unionsa.321 Whatever the case, aall thesesituations require a constructive response seeking to transform them into opportunities thatcan lead to the full reality of marriage and family in conformity with the Gospel. These couples need to be welcomed and guided patientlyand discreetlya.322 That is how Jesus treated theSamaritan woman (cf. Jn 4:1-26): he addressedher desire for true love, in order to free her fromthe darkness in her life and to bring her to thefull joy of the Gospel.295.a Along these lines, Saint John Paul II proposed the so-called alaw of gradualnessa in theknowledge that the human being aknows, lovesa Cf. ibid.a Relatio Synodi 2014, 42.322a Ibid., 43.320321

224

and accomplishes moral good by different stages of growtha.323 This is not a agradualness oflawa but rather a gradualness in the prudentialexercise of free acts on the part of subjects whoare not in a position to understand, appreciate, orfully carry out the objective demands of the law.For the law is itself a gift of God which pointsout the way, a gift for everyone without exception; it can be followed with the help of grace,even though each human being aadvances gradually with the progressive integration of the giftsof God and the demands of Godas definitive andabsolute love in his or her entire personal andsocial lifea.324The discernment of airregulara situations 325

296.a The Synod addressed various situationsof weakness or imperfection. Here I would liketo reiterate something I sought to make clear tothe whole Church, lest we take the wrong path:aThere are two ways of thinking which recurthroughout the Churchas history: casting off andreinstating. The Churchas way, from the time ofthe Council of Jerusalem, has always always beenthe way of Jesus, the way of mercy and reinstatementa| The way of the Church is not to condemn anyone for ever; it is to pour out the balm323aApostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio (22November 1981), 34: AAS 74 (1982), 123.324a Ibid., 9: AAS 74 (1982), 90.325a Cf. Catechesis (24 June 2015): LaOsservatore Romano,25 June 2015, p. 8.

225

of Godas mercy on all those who ask for it witha sincere hearta| For true charity is always unmerited, unconditional and gratuitousa.326 Consequently, there is a need ato avoid judgementswhich do not take into account the complexityof various situationsa and ato be attentive, bynecessity, to how people experience distress because of their conditiona.327297.a It is a matter of reaching out to everyone,of needing to help each person find his or herproper way of participating in the ecclesial community and thus to experience being touched byan aunmerited, unconditional and gratuitousamercy. No one can be condemned for ever, because that is not the logic of the Gospel! HereI am not speaking only of the divorced and remarried, but of everyone, in whatever situationthey find themselves. Naturally, if someoneflaunts an objective sin as if it were part of theChristian ideal, or wants to impose somethingother than what the Church teaches, he or shecan in no way presume to teach or preach toothers; this is a case of something which separates from the community (cf. Mt 18:17). Sucha person needs to listen once more to the Gospel message and its call to conversion. Yet evenfor that person there can be some way of taking part in the life of community, whether ina Homily at Mass Celebrated with the New Cardinals (15February 2015): AAS 107 (2015), 257.327a Relatio Finalis 2015, 51.326

226

social service, prayer meetings or another waythat his or her own initiative, together with thediscernment of the parish priest, may suggest.As for the way of dealing with different airregulara situations, the Synod Fathers reached ageneral consensus, which I support: aIn considering a pastoral approach towards peoplewho have contracted a civil marriage, who aredivorced and remarried, or simply living together, the Church has the responsibility of helpingthem understand the divine pedagogy of gracein their lives and offering them assistance sothey can reach the fullness of Godas plan forthema,328 something which is always possible bythe power of the Holy Spirit.298.a The divorced who have entered a new union, for example, can find themselves in a varietyof situations, which should not be pigeonholedor fit into overly rigid classifications leaving noroom for a suitable personal and pastoral discernment. One thing is a second union consolidated over time, with new children, proven fidelity,generous self giving, Christian commitment, aconsciousness of its irregularity and of the greatdifficulty of going back without feeling in conscience that one would fall into new sins. TheChurch acknowledges situations awhere, for serious reasons, such as the childrenas upbringing,a man and woman cannot satisfy the obligationa Relatio Synodi 2014, 25.

328

227

to separatea.329 There are also the cases of thosewho made every effort to save their first marriage and were unjustly abandoned, or of athosewho have entered into a second union for thesake of the childrenas upbringing, and are sometimes subjectively certain in conscience that theirprevious and irreparably broken marriage hadnever been valida.330 Another thing is a new union arising from a recent divorce, with all the suffering and confusion which this entails for childrenand entire families, or the case of someone who hasconsistently failed in his obligations to the family. Itmust remain clear that this is not the ideal whichthe Gospel proposes for marriage and the family.The Synod Fathers stated that the discernmentof pastors must always take place aby adequatelydistinguishinga,331 with an approach which acarefully discerns situationsa.332 We know that noaeasy recipesa exist.333a John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation FamiliarisConsortio (22 November 1981), 84: AAS 74 (1982), 186. In suchsituations, many people, knowing and accepting the possibilityof living aas brothers and sistersa which the Church offers them,point out that if certain expressions of intimacy are lacking, aitoften happens that faithfulness is endangered and the good ofthe children suffersa (Second Vatican Ecumenical Council,Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern WorldGaudium et Spes, 51).330a Ibid.331a Relatio Synodi 2014, 26.332a Ibid., 45.333a Benedict XVI, Address to the Seventh World Meetingof Families in Milan (2 June 2012), Response n. 5: InsegnamentiVIII/1 (2012), 691.329

228

299.a I am in agreement with the many SynodFathers who observed that athe baptized whoare divorced and civilly remarried need to bemore fully integrated into Christian communitiesin the variety of ways possible, while avoidingany occasion of scandal. The logic of integration is the key to their pastoral care, a care whichwould allow them not only to realize that theybelong to the Church as the body of Christ, butalso to know that they can have a joyful and fruitful experience in it. They are baptized; they arebrothers and sisters; the Holy Spirit pours intotheir hearts gifts and talents for the good of all.Their participation can be expressed in different ecclesial services, which necessarily requiresdiscerning which of the various forms of exclusion currently practised in the liturgical, pastoral,educational and institutional framework, can besurmounted. Such persons need to feel not asexcommunicated members of the Church, butinstead as living members, able to live and growin the Church and experience her as a motherwho welcomes them always, who takes care ofthem with affection and encourages them alongthe path of life and the Gospel. This integrationis also needed in the care and Christian upbringing of their children, who ought to be consideredmost importanta.334a Relatio Finalis 2015, 84.

334

229

300.a If we consider the immense variety of concrete situations such as those I have mentioned,it is understandable that neither the Synod northis Exhortation could be expected to providea new set of general rules, canonical in natureand applicable to all cases. What is possible issimply a renewed encouragement to undertakea responsible personal and pastoral discernmentof particular cases, one which would recognizethat, since athe degree of responsibility is notequal in all casesa,335 the consequences or effects of a rule need not necessarily always be thesame.336 Priests have the duty to aaccompany [thedivorced and remarried] in helping them to understand their situation according to the teachingof the Church and the guidelines of the bishop.Useful in this process is an examination of conscience through moments of reflection and repentance. The divorced and remarried shouldask themselves: how did they act towards theirchildren when the conjugal union entered intocrisis; whether or not they made attempts at reconciliation; what has become of the abandonedparty; what consequences the new relationshiphas on the rest of the family and the communityof the faithful; and what example is being set foryoung people who are preparing for marriage. Aa Ibid., 51a This is also the case with regard to sacramentaldiscipline, since discernment can recognize that in a particularsituation no grave fault exists. In such cases, what is found inanother document applies: cf. Evangelii Gaudium (24 November2013), 44 and 47: AAS 105 (2013), 1038-1040.335336

230

sincere reflection can strengthen trust in the mercyof God which is not denied anyonea.337 What weare speaking of is a process of accompanimentand discernment which aguides the faithful to anawareness of their situation before God. Conversation with the priest, in the internal forum,contributes to the formation of a correct judgment on what hinders the possibility of a fuller participation in the life of the Church and onwhat steps can foster it and make it grow. Giventhat gradualness is not in the law itself (cf. FamiliarisConsortio, 34), this discernment can never prescindfrom the Gospel demands of truth and charity,as proposed by the Church. For this discernmentto happen, the following conditions must necessarily be present: humility, discretion and love forthe Church and her teaching, in a sincere searchfor Godas will and a desire to make a more perfect response to ita.338 These attitudes are essential for avoiding the grave danger of misunderstandings, such as the notion that any priest canquickly grant aexceptionsa, or that some peoplecan obtain sacramental privileges in exchange forfavours. When a responsible and tactful person,who does not presume to put his or her own desires ahead of the common good of the Church,meets with a pastor capable of acknowledgingthe seriousness of the matter before him, therecan be no risk that a specific discernment maya Relatio Finalis 2015, 85.a Ibid., 86

337338

231

lead people to think that the Church maintains adouble standard.Mitigating factors in pastoral discernment

301.a For an adequate understanding of thepossibility and need of special discernment incertain airregulara situations, one thing mustalways be taken into account, lest anyone thinkthat the demands of the Gospel are in any waybeing compromised. The Church possesses asolid body of reflection concerning mitigatingfactors and situations. Hence it is can no longersimply be said that all those in any airregularasituation are living in a state of mortal sin and aredeprived of sanctifying grace. More is involvedhere than mere ignorance of the rule. A subjectmay know full well the rule, yet have great difficulty in understanding aits inherent valuesa,339 orbe in a concrete situation which does not allowhim or her to act differently and decide otherwise without further sin. As the Synod Fathersput it, afactors may exist which limit the ability tomake a decisiona.340 Saint Thomas Aquinas himself recognized that someone may possess graceand charity, yet not be able to exercise any oneof the virtues well;341 in other words, althoughsomeone may possess all the infused moral339a John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation FamiliarisConsortio (22 November 1981), 33: AAS 74 (1982), 121.340a Relatio Finalis 2015, 51.341a Cf. Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 65, art. 3 ad 2; De Malo,q. 2, art. 2.

232

virtues, he does not clearly manifest the existenceof one of them, because the outward practice ofthat virtue is rendered difficult: aCertain saintsare said not to possess certain virtues, in so faras they experience difficulty in the acts of thosevirtues, even though they have the habits of allthe virtuesa.342302.a The Catechism of the Catholic Churchclearly mentions these factors: aimputability andresponsibility for an action can be diminished oreven nullified by ignorance, inadvertence, duress,fear, habit, inordinate attachments, and otherpsychological or social factorsa.343 In anotherparagraph, the Catechism refers once again tocircumstances which mitigate moral responsibility, and mentions at length aaffective immaturity,force of acquired habit, conditions of anxietyor other psychological or social factors that lessen or even extenuate moral culpabilitya.344 Forthis reason, a negative judgment about an objective situation does not imply a judgment aboutthe imputability or culpability of the persona Ibid., ad 3.a No. 1735.344a Ibid., 2352; Congregation for the Doctrine of theFaith, Declaration on Euthanasia Iura et Bona (5 May 1980), II:AAS 72 (1980), 546; John Paul II, in his critique of the categoryof afundamental optiona, recognized that adoubtless there canoccur situations which are very complex and obscure from apsychological viewpoint, and which have an influence on thesinneras subjective culpabilitya (Apostolic Exhortation Reconciliatioet Paenitentia [2 December 1984], 17: AAS 77 [1985], 223).342343

233

involved.345 On the basis of these convictions, Iconsider very fitting what many Synod Fathers wanted to affirm: aUnder certain circumstances people find it very difficult to act differently. Therefore, while upholding a general rule,it is necessary to recognize that responsibilitywith respect to certain actions or decisions is notthe same in all cases. Pastoral discernment, whiletaking into account a personas properly formedconscience, must take responsibility for these situations. Even the consequences of actions takenare not necessarily the same in all casesa.346303.a Recognizing the influence of such concrete factors, we can add that individual conscience needs to be better incorporated into theChurchas praxis in certain situations which donot objectively embody our understanding ofmarriage. Naturally, every effort should be madeto encourage the development of an enlightenedconscience, formed and guided by the responsible and serious discernment of oneas pastor, andto encourage an ever greater trust in Godas grace.Yet conscience can do more than recognize thata given situation does not correspond objectivelyto the overall demands of the Gospel. It canalso recognize with sincerity and honesty whatfor now is the most generous response which345a Cf. Pontifical Council for Legislative Texts,Declaration Concerning the Admission to Holy Communion of FaithfulWho are Divorced and Remarried (24 June 2000), 2.346a Relatio Finalis 2015, 85.

234

can be given to God, and come to see with a certain moral security that it is what God himselfis asking amid the concrete complexity of oneaslimits, while yet not fully the objective ideal. Inany event, let us recall that this discernment isdynamic; it must remain ever open to new stagesof growth and to new decisions which can enable the ideal to be more fully realized.Rules and discernment

304.a It is reductive simply to consider whether ornot an individualas actions correspond to a generallaw or rule, because that is not enough to discernand ensure full fidelity to God in the concrete lifeof a human being. I earnestly ask that we alwaysrecall a teaching of Saint Thomas Aquinas andlearn to incorporate it in our pastoral discernment:aAlthough there is necessity in the general principles, the more we descend to matters of detail, themore frequently we encounter defectsa| In matters of action, truth or practical rectitude is notthe same for all, as to matters of detail, but onlyas to the general principles; and where there is thesame rectitude in matters of detail, it is not equallyknown to alla| The principle will be found to fail,according as we descend further into detaila.347 Itis true that general rules set forth a good whichcan never be disregarded or neglected, but in theirformulation they cannot provide absolutely for all

a Summa Theologiae, I-II, q. 94, art. 4.

347

235

particular situations. At the same time, it must besaid that, precisely for that reason, what is part ofa practical discernment in particular circumstances cannot be elevated to the level of a rule. Thatwould not only lead to an intolerable casuistry, butwould endanger the very values which must bepreserved with special care.348305.a For this reason, a pastor cannot feel thatit is enough simply to apply moral laws to thoseliving in airregulara situations, as if they werestones to throw at peopleas lives. This would bespeak the closed heart of one used to hiding behind the Churchas teachings, asitting on the chairof Moses and judging at times with superiorityand superficiality difficult cases and woundedfamiliesa.349 Along these same lines, the International Theological Commission has noted thatanatural law could not be presented as an alreadyestablished set of rules that impose themselves apriori on the moral subject; rather, it is a sourceof objective inspiration for the deeply personal process of making decisionsa.350 Because ofa In another text, referring to the general knowledge ofthe rule and the particular knowledge of practical discernment,Saint Thomas states that aif only one of the two is present, itis preferable that it be the knowledge of the particular reality,which is closer to the acta: Sententia libri Ethicorum, VI, 6 (ed.Leonina, t. XLVII, 354.)349a Address for the Conclusion of the Fourteenth Ordinary GeneralAssembly of the Synod of Bishops (24 October 2015): LaOsservatoreRomano, 26-27 October 2015, p. 13.350a International Theological Commission, In Search ofa Universal Ethic: A New Look at Natural Law (2009), 59.348

236

forms of conditioning and mitigating factors, itis possible that in an objective situation of sin awhich may not be subjectively culpable, or fullysuch a a person can be living in Godas grace, canlove and can also grow in the life of grace andcharity, while receiving the Churchas help to thisend.351 Discernment must help to find possibleways of responding to God and growing in themidst of limits. By thinking that everything isblack and white, we sometimes close off the wayof grace and of growth, and discourage paths ofsanctification which give glory to God. Let us remember that aa small step, in the midst of greathuman limitations, can be more pleasing to Godthan a life which appears outwardly in order,but moves through the day without confrontinggreat difficultiesa.352 The practical pastoral careof ministers and of communities must not fail toembrace this reality.306.a In every situation, when dealing withthose who have difficulties in living Godas lawto the full, the invitation to pursue the via caritatismust be clearly heard. Fraternal charity is thea In certain cases, this can include the help of thesacraments. Hence, aI want to remind priests that theconfessional must not be a torture chamber, but rather anencounter with the Lordas mercya (Apostolic ExhortationEvangelii Gaudium [24 November 2013], 44: AAS 105 [2013],1038). I would also point out that the Eucharist ais not a prizefor the perfect, but a powerful medicine and nourishment forthe weaka (ibid., 47: 1039).352a Apostolic Exhortation Evangelii Gaudium (24November 2013), 44: AAS 105 (2013), 1038-1039.351

237

first law of Christians (cf. Jn 15:12; Gal 5:14). Letus not forget the reassuring words of Scripture:aMaintain constant love for one another, for lovecovers a multitude of sinsa (1 Pet 4:8); aAtonefor your sins with righteousness, and your iniquities with mercy to the oppressed, so that yourprosperity may be prolongeda (Dan 4:24[27]);aAs water extinguishes a blazing fire, so almsgiving atones for sinsa (Sir 3:30). This is also whatSaint Augustine teaches: aJust as, at the threat ofa fire, we would run for water to extinguish ita|so too, if the flame of sin rises from our chaffand we are troubled, if the chance to perform awork of mercy is offered us, let us rejoice in it,as if it were a fountain offered us to extinguishthe blazea.353The logic of pastoral mercy

307.a In order to avoid all misunderstanding, Iwould point out that in no way must the Churchdesist from proposing the full ideal of marriage,Godas plan in all its grandeur: aYoung peoplewho are baptized should be encouraged to understand that the sacrament of marriage can enrich their prospects of love and that they can besustained by the grace of Christ in the sacramentand by the possibility of participating fully in thea De Catechizandis Rudibus, I, 14, 22: PL 40, 327; cf.Apostolic Exhortation Evangelii Gaudium (24 November 2013),194: AAS 105 (2013), 1101.353

238

life of the Churcha.354 A lukewarm attitude, anykind of relativism, or an undue reticence in proposing that ideal, would be a lack of fidelity tothe Gospel and also of love on the part of theChurch for young people themselves. To showunderstanding in the face of exceptional situations never implies dimming the light of the fullerideal, or proposing less than what Jesus offers tothe human being. Today, more important thanthe pastoral care of failures is the pastoral effortto strengthen marriages and thus to prevent theirbreakdown.308.a At the same time, from our awareness ofthe weight of mitigating circumstances a psychological, historical and even biological a it followsthat awithout detracting from the evangelicalideal, there is a need to accompany with mercy and patience the eventual stages of personalgrowth as these progressively appeara, makingroom for athe Lordas mercy, which spurs us onto do our besta.355 I understand those who prefer a more rigorous pastoral care which leavesno room for confusion. But I sincerely believethat Jesus wants a Church attentive to the goodness which the Holy Spirit sows in the midst ofhuman weakness, a Mother who, while clearlyexpressing her objective teaching, aalways doeswhat good she can, even if in the process, hera Relatio Synodi 2014, 26.a Apostolic Exhortation EvangeliiNovember 2013), 44: AAS 105 (2013), 1038.354355

Gaudium

(24

239

shoes get soiled by the mud of the streeta.356The Churchas pastors, in proposing to the faithful the full ideal of the Gospel and the Churchasteaching, must also help them to treat the weakwith compassion, avoiding aggravation or unduly harsh or hasty judgements. The Gospel itselftells us not to judge or condemn (cf. Mt 7:1; Lk6:37). Jesus aexpects us to stop looking for thosepersonal or communal niches which shelter usfrom the maelstrom of human misfortune, andinstead to enter into the reality of other peopleas lives and to know the power of tenderness.Whenever we do so, our lives become wonderfully complicateda.357309.a It is providential that these reflectionstake place in the context of a Holy Year devotedto mercy, because also in the variety of situationsaffecting families athe Church is commissionedto proclaim the mercy of God, the beating heartof the Gospel, which in its own way must penetrate the mind and heart of every person. TheBride of Christ must pattern her behaviour afterthe Son of God who goes out to everyone without exceptiona.358 She knows that Jesus himselfis the shepherd of the hundred, not just of theninety-nine. He loves them all. On the basis ofthis realization, it will become possible for athea Ibid., 45.a Ibid., 270.358a Bull Misericordiae Vultus (11 April 2015), 12: AAS 107(2015): 407.356357

240

balm of mercy to reach everyone, believers andthose far away, as a sign that the kingdom of Godis already present in our midsta.359310.a We cannot forget that amercy is not onlythe working of the Father; it becomes a criterion forknowing who his true children are. In a word, weare called to show mercy because mercy was firstshown to usa.360 This is not sheer romanticismor a lukewarm response to Godas love, which always seeks what is best for us, for amercy is thevery foundation of the Churchas life. All of herpastoral activity should be caught up in the tenderness which she shows to believers; nothing inher preaching and her witness to the world canbe lacking in mercya.361 It is true that at timesawe act as arbiters of grace rather than its facilitators. But the Church is not a tollhouse; it is thehouse of the Father, where there is a place foreveryone, with all their problemsa.362311.a The teaching of moral theology shouldnot fail to incorporate these considerations, foralthough it is quite true that concern must beshown for the integrity of the Churchas moralteaching, special care should always be shown toemphasize and encourage the highest and most

central values of the Gospel,363 particularly the primacy of charity as a response to the completelygratuitous offer of Godas love. At times we findit hard to make room for Godas unconditionallove in our pastoral activity.364 We put so manyconditions on mercy that we empty it of its concrete meaning and real significance. That is theworst way of watering down the Gospel. It istrue, for example, that mercy does not excludejustice and truth, but first and foremost we haveto say that mercy is the fullness of justice andthe most radiant manifestation of Godas truth.For this reason, we should always consider ainadequate any theological conception which in theend puts in doubt the omnipotence of God and,especially, his mercya.365312.a This offers us a framework and a settingwhich help us avoid a cold bureaucratic moralityin dealing with more sensitive issues. Instead, itsets us in the context of a pastoral discernmenta Cf. ibid., 36-37: AAS 105 (2013), 1035.a Perhaps out of a certain scrupulosity, concealedbeneath a zeal for fidelity to the truth, some priests demand ofpenitents a purpose of amendment so lacking in nuance thatit causes mercy to be obscured by the pursuit of a supposedlypure justice. For this reason, it is helpful to recall the teachingof Saint John Paul II, who stated that the possibility of a newfall ashould not prejudice the authenticity of the resolutiona(Letter to Cardinal William W. Baum on the occasion of the Course onthe Internal Forum organized by the Apostolic Penitentiary [22 March1996], 5: Insegnamenti XIX/1 [1996], 589).365a International Theological Commission, The Hopeof Salvation for Infants Who Die Without Being Baptized (19 April2007), 2.363364

242

filled with merciful love, which is ever ready tounderstand, forgive, accompany, hope, and aboveall integrate. That is the mindset which shouldprevail in the Church and lead us to aopen ourhearts to those living on the outermost fringesof societya.366 I encourage the faithful who findthemselves in complicated situations to speakconfidently with their pastors or with other laypeople whose lives are committed to the Lord.They may not always encounter in them a confirmation of their own ideas or desires, but theywill surely receive some light to help them betterunderstand their situation and discover a path topersonal growth. I also encourage the Churchaspastors to listen to them with sensitivity and serenity, with a sincere desire to understand their plightand their point of view, in order to help them livebetter lives and to recognize their proper place inthe Church.

THE SPIRITUALITY OF MARRIAGEAND THE FAMILY313.a Charity takes on different hues, dependingon the state of life to which we have been called.Several decades ago, in speaking of the lay apostolate, the Second Vatican Council emphasizedthe spirituality born of family life. The Councilstated that lay spirituality awill take its particularcharacter from the circumstances ofa| marriedand family lifea,367 and that afamily cares shouldnot be foreigna to that spirituality.368 It is worthpausing to describe certain basic characteristicsof this specific spirituality that unfolds in familylife and its relationships.A spirituality of supernatural communion

314.a We have always spoken of how Goddwells in the hearts of those living in his grace.Today we can add that the Trinity is present inthe temple of marital communion. Just as Goddwells in the praises of his people (cf. Ps 22:3), soa Decree on the Apostolate of the Laity ApostolicamActuositatem, 4.368a Cf. ibid.367

245

he dwells deep within the marital love that giveshim glory.315.a The Lordas presence dwells in real andconcrete families, with all their daily troublesand struggles, joys and hopes. Living in a familymakes it hard for us to feign or lie; we cannothide behind a mask. If that authenticity is inspired by love, then the Lord reigns there, withhis joy and his peace. The spirituality of familylove is made up of thousands of small but realgestures. In that variety of gifts and encounterswhich deepen communion, God has his dwellingplace. This mutual concern abrings together thehuman and the divinea,369 for it is filled with thelove of God. In the end, marital spirituality isa spirituality of the bond, in which divine lovedwells.316.a A positive experience of family communion is a true path to daily sanctification and mystical growth, a means for deeper union with God.The fraternal and communal demands of familylife are an incentive to growth in openness ofheart and thus to an ever fuller encounter withthe Lord. The word of God tells us that atheone who hates his brother is in the darkness, andwalks in the darknessa (1 Jn 2:11); such a personaabides in deatha (1 Jn 3:14) and adoes not knowa Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, PastoralConstitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium etSpes, 49.369

246

Goda (1 Jn 4:8). My predecessor Benedict XVIpointed out that aclosing our eyes to our neighbour also blinds us to Goda,370 and that, in theend, love is the only light which can aconstantlyilluminate a world grown dima.371 If only wealove one another, God abides in us and his loveis perfected in usa (1 Jn 4:12). Since athe humanperson has an inherent social dimensiona,372 andathe first and basic expression of that social dimension of the person is the married couple andthe familya,373 spirituality becomes incarnate inthe communion of the family. Hence, those whohave deep spiritual aspirations should not feelthat the family detracts from their growth in thelife of the Spirit, but rather see it as a path whichthe Lord is using to lead them to the heights ofmystical union.Gathered in prayer in the light of Easter

317.a If a family is centred on Christ, he willunify and illumine its entire life. Moments ofpain and difficulty will be experienced in union with the Lordas cross, and his closenesswill make it possible to surmount them. In thedarkest hours of a familyas life, union with Jesusin his abandonment can help avoid a breakup.a Encyclical Letter Deus Caritas Est (25 December 2015),16: AAS 98 (2006), 230.371a Ibid., 39: AAS 98 (2006), 250.372a John Paul II, Post-Synodal Apostolic ExhortationChristifideles Laici (30 December 1988), 40: AAS 81 (1989), 468.373a Ibid.370

247

Gradually, awith the grace of the Holy Spirit, [thespouses] grow in holiness through married life,also by sharing in the mystery of Christas cross,which transforms difficulties and sufferings intoan offering of lovea.374 Moreover, moments ofjoy, relaxation, celebration, and even sexuality canbe experienced as a sharing in the full life of theresurrection. Married couples shape with different daily gestures a aGod-enlightened space inwhich to experience the hidden presence of therisen Lorda.375318.a Family prayer is a special way of expressing and strengthening this paschal faith.376 A fewminutes can be found each day to come togetherbefore the living God, to tell him our worries,to ask for the needs of our family, to pray forsomeone experiencing difficulty, to ask for helpin showing love, to give thanks for life and forits blessings, and to ask Our Lady to protect usbeneath her maternal mantle. With a few simplewords, this moment of prayer can do immensegood for our families. The various expressionsof popular piety are a treasure of spirituality formany families. The familyas communal journeyof prayer culminates by sharing together in theEucharist, especially in the context of the Sunday rest. Jesus knocks on the door of families, toa Relatio Finalis 2015, 87.a John Paul II, Post-Synodal Apostolic ExhortationVita Consecrata (25 March 1996), 42: AAS 88 (1996), 416.376a Cf. Relatio Finalis 2015, 87.374375

248

share with them the Eucharistic supper (cf. Rev3:20). There, spouses can always seal anew thepaschal covenant which united them and whichought to reflect the covenant which God sealedwith mankind in the cross.377 The Eucharist is thesacrament of the new covenant, where Christasredemptive work is carried out (cf. Lk 22:20).The close bond between married life and theEucharist thus becomes all the more clear.378 Forthe food of the Eucharist offers the spouses thestrength and incentive needed to live the marriagecovenant each day as a adomestic churcha.379A spirituality of exclusive and free love

319.a Marriage is also the experience of belonging completely to another person. Spousesaccept the challenge and aspiration of supporting one another, growing old together, and inthis way reflecting Godas own faithfulness. Thisfirm decision, which shapes a style of life, is anainterior requirement of the covenant of conjugal lovea,380 since aa person who cannot chooseto love for ever can hardly love for even a singlea Cf. John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation FamiliarisConsortio (22 November 1981), 57: AAS 74 (1982), 150.378a Nor should we forget that Godas covenant with hispeople is expressed as an espousal (cf. Ez 16:8, 60; Is 62:5;Hos 2:21-22), and that the new covenant is also presented as abetrothal (cf. Rev 19:7; 21:2; Eph 5:25).379a Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, DogmaticConstitution on the Church Lumen Gentium, 11.380a John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation FamiliarisConsortio (22 November 1981), 11: AAS 74 (1982), 93.377

249

daya.381 At the same time, such fidelity wouldbe spiritually meaningless were it simply a matter of following a law with obedient resignation.Rather, it is a matter of the heart, into whichGod alone sees (cf. Mt 5:28). Every morning,on rising, we reaffirm before God our decisionto be faithful, come what may in the course ofthe day. And all of us, before going to sleep,hope to wake up and continue this adventure,trusting in the Lordas help. In this way, eachspouse is for the other a sign and instrument ofthe closeness of the Lord, who never abandonsus: aLo, I am with you always, to the close of theagea (Mt 28:20).320.a There comes a point where a coupleaslove attains the height of its freedom and becomes the basis of a healthy autonomy. Thishappens when each spouse realizes that the other is not his or her own, but has a much moreimportant master, the one Lord. No one butGod can presume to take over the deepest andmost personal core of the loved one; he alonecan be the ultimate centre of their life. At thesame time, the principle of spiritual realismrequires that one spouse not presume that theother can completely satisfy his or her needs. Thespiritual journey of each a as Dietrich Bonhoeffernicely put it a needs to help them to a certaina Id., Homily at Mass with Families, Cordoba, Argentina (8April 1987), 4: Insegnamenti X/1 (1987), 1161-1162.381

250

adisillusionmenta with regard to the other,382to stop expecting from that person somethingwhich is proper to the love of God alone. Thisdemands an interior divestment. The spacewhich each of the spouses makes exclusively fortheir personal relationship with God not onlyhelps heal the hurts of life in common, but alsoenables the spouses to find in the love of Godthe deepest source of meaning in their own lives.Each day we have to invoke the help of the HolySpirit to make this interior freedom possible.A spirituality of care, consolation and incentive

321.a aChristian couples are, for each other, fortheir children and for their relatives, cooperatorsof grace and witnesses of the faitha.383 God callsthem to bestow life and to care for life. For thisreason the family ahas always been the nearestahospitalaa.384 So let us care for one another, guideand encourage one another, and experience thisas a part of our family spirituality. Life as a couple is a daily sharing in Godas creative work, andeach person is for the other a constant challengefrom the Holy Spirit. Godas love is proclaimedathrough the living and concrete word wherebya man and the woman express their conjugala Cf. Gemeinsames Leben, Munich, 1973, p. 18. English:Life Together, New York, 1954, p. 27.383a Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Decree onthe Apostolate of the Laity Apostolicam Actuositatem, 11.384a Catechesis (10 June 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 11June 2015, p. 8.382

251

lovea.385 The two are thus mutual reflections ofthat divine love which comforts with a word, alook, a helping hand, a caress, an embrace. Forthis reason ato want to form a family is to resolveto be a part of Godas dream, to choose to dreamwith him, to want to build with him, to join himin this saga of building a world where no one willfeel alonea.386322.a All family life is a ashepherdinga in mercy. Each of us, by our love and care, leaves amark on the life of others; with Paul, we can say:aYou are our letter of recommendation, writtenon your heartsa| not with ink, but with the Spiritof the living Goda (2 Cor 3:2-3). Each of us isa afisher of mena (Lk 5:10) who in Jesusa nameacasts the netsa (cf. Lk 5:5) to others, or a farmerwho tills the fresh soil of those whom he or sheloves, seeking to bring out the best in them. Marital fruitfulness involves helping others, for atolove anybody is to expect from him somethingwhich can neither be defined nor foreseen; it isat the same time in some way to make it possiblefor him to fulfil this expectationa.387 This is itself385a John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation FamiliarisConsortio (22 November 1981), 12: AAS 74 (1982), 93.386a Address at the Prayer Vigil of the Festival of Families,Philadelphia (26 September 2015): LaOsservatore Romano, 28-29September 2015, p. 6.387a Gabriel Marcel, Homo Viator: prolA(c)gomA"nes A unemA(c)taphysique de laespA(c)rance, Paris, 1944, p. 66. English: HomoViator. An Introduction to a Metaphysics of Hope, London, 1951,p. 49.

252

a way to worship God, who has sown so muchgood in others in the hope that we will help makeit grow.323.a It is a profound spiritual experience tocontemplate our loved ones with the eyes of Godand to see Christ in them. This demands a freedom and openness which enable us to appreciatetheir dignity. We can be fully present to othersonly by giving fully of ourselves and forgettingall else. Our loved ones merit our complete attention. Jesus is our model in this, for wheneverpeople approached to speak with him, he wouldmeet their gaze, directly and lovingly (cf. Mk10:21). No one felt overlooked in his presence,since his words and gestures conveyed the question: aWhat do you want me to do for you?a (Mk10:51). This is what we experience in the dailylife of the family. We are constantly remindedthat each of those who live with us merits complete attention, since he or she possesses infinitedignity as an object of the Fatheras immense love.This gives rise to a tenderness which can astir inthe other the joy of being loved. Tenderness isexpressed in a particular way by exercising lovingcare in treating the limitations of the other, especially when they are evidenta.388324.a Led by the Spirit, the family circle is notonly open to life by generating it within itself, buta Relatio Finalis 2015, 88.

388

253

also by going forth and spreading life by caring forothers and seeking their happiness. This opennessfinds particular expression in hospitality,389 whichthe word of God eloquently encourages: aDo notneglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawaresa (Heb13:2). When a family is welcoming and reaches outto others, especially the poor and the neglected, it isaa symbol, witness and participant in the Churchasmotherhooda.390 Social love, as a reflection of theTrinity, is what truly unifies the spiritual meaningof the family and its mission to others, for it makespresent the kerygma in all its communal imperatives. The family lives its spirituality precisely bybeing at one and the same time a domestic churchand a vital cell for transforming the world.391*a*a*325.a The teaching of the Master (cf. Mt22:30) and Saint Paul (cf. 1 Cor 7:29-31) on marriage is set a and not by chance a in the context of the ultimate and definitive dimensionof our human existence. We urgently need torediscover the richness of this teaching. Byheeding it, married couples will come to seethe deeper meaning of their journey througha Cf. John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation FamiliarisConsortio (22 November 1981), 44: AAS 74 (1982), 136.390a Ibid., 49: AAS 74 (1982), 141.391a For the social aspects of the family, cf. PontificalCouncil for Justice and Peace, Compendium of the Social Doctrineof the Church, 248-254.389

254

life. As this Exhortation has often noted,no family drops down from heaven perfectly formed; families need constantly to grow andmature in the ability to love. This is a neverending vocation born of the full communion ofthe Trinity, the profound unity between Christ andhis Church, the loving community which is theHoly Family of Nazareth, and the pure fraternityexisting among the saints of heaven. Our contemplation of the fulfilment which we have yet to attain also allows us to see in proper perspective thehistorical journey which we make as families, andin this way to stop demanding of our interpersonal relationships a perfection, a purity of intentionsand a consistency which we will only encounter inthe Kingdom to come. It also keeps us from judging harshly those who live in situations of frailty.All of us are called to keep striving towards something greater than ourselves and our families, andevery family must feel this constant impulse. Letus make this journey as families, let us keep walkingtogether. What we have been promised is greaterthan we can imagine. May we never lose heart because of our limitations, or ever stop seeking thatfullness of love and communion which God holdsout before us.Prayer to the Holy FamilyJesus, Mary and Joseph,in you we contemplatethe splendour of true love;to you we turn with trust.255

Holy Family of Nazareth,grant that our families toomay be places of communion and prayer,authentic schools of the Gospeland small domestic churches.Holy Family of Nazareth,may families never again experienceviolence, rejection and division;may all who have been hurt or scandalizedfind ready comfort and healing.Holy Family of Nazareth,make us once more mindfulof the sacredness and inviolability of the family,and its beauty in Godas plan.Jesus, Mary and Joseph,Graciously hear our prayer.Amen.Given in Rome, at Saint Peteras, during theExtraordinary Jubilee of Mercy, on 19 March,the Solemnity of Saint Joseph, in the year 2016,the fourth of my Pontificate.