Sunday, April 1, 2018

Vampiress Review: "Jezabeth"

The Gist: A bunch of people argue and say the name Jezebeth a lot and then rock music plays with the occasional really bad Shakespeare like period reenactment thrown in for good measure.

Clarification: yeah... This film is one of those films that is so terrible that it's unintentionally hilarious. So the basic premise from what I kind of understood is 5 girls live in a house together that have the personality of rabid pitbulls and pretty much hate each other but are somehow life long friends. One of them (Jezebeth) is a devil worshiper and the others are constantly sneaking in her room to look for her devil book which makes her cranky. Jezebeth eventually uses her devil book and is possessed by a demon and does vampire things when the movie remembers there was a plot to try to follow which is not often.

Selling Point: Besides the elementary school play level acting this movie does take a stripclub break (as in: here's a plot, ok now here's ten to fifteen minutes of strippers that have nothing to do with anything. Ok now back to the movie). Also a woman does get bitten in the butt in a graveyard after the movie takes a funeral break (as in : here's the plot, now lets go to someone's funeral where we look as if this is going to be important to the film because we're going out of our way to feature it and everyone there but will this develop to something important to the plot or even be mentioned again and will we see any of these character later? of course not). The only connection is that the woman who gets bitten in the butt is also at the strip club.

Female Vampire Factor: Outside of the above vampire who is a fledgling named Lamia (Amanda Jean) the main vampire of the film is Jezebeth (Bree Michaels)

As far as her actually doing any kind of real vampire stuff that's a negative. She only bites one person on camera and that's when she creates her fledgling.

Which is followed by a sweet demon to Fledgling talk about self esteem while getting her hair brushed (no seriously she even has a demon voice while this happens).

Oustide of that you get some very brief fangouts here and there with the best being when she first turns.

Also she flashes them during her guitar solo. I know what you're saying, "So she was in a band? " Nope. "So why does she have a guitar solo?" I think the answer is "we have a soundtrack to sell."

And no, this was NOT a comedy which makes it all the better. The absurdity of the whole thing makes it very re-watchable for me since it's not forced plot bad it's "your buddy who just smoked a lot of weed is trying to tell you about their day but keeps forgetting what he was talking about and wandering into random goofy thoughts" bad. I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5. There is a sequel which does make sense considering this film doesn't actually have an ending. Definitely a must watch if you like seeing preppy girls dressed as goth girls while wearing Halloween costumes spinning in circles and who doesn't like that?