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Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Next Chapter

This post has been sitting in the back (front, side, centre…) of my mind for quite some time now. A real honest to goodness personal post, no frills or glitter, just little old me and my manic thoughts on where I'm at… You know, with life. I think I've been putting myself off writing this. Writing it means putting it all under a magnifying glass, recording it in black and white, that some how makes it all very real. And that's the confusing part, isn't real what we strive for? Crave? Something substantial amongst the daily nothings that gets force fed us. But for me, real is a bit scary, because real means taking my head out of the sand and actually seeing whats in front of me, it means working damn hard, it means change- or more, adapting to change (since change is an unavoidable part of daily life).

Change is something I should be very good at by now. I moved three and a half hours away from my family home to go to university, I toured for weeks at a time with the ballet, working in theatre there was never a contract or structure meaning work would vary from month to month. Surely it is in my nature to thrive on the changing environment around me? There have been some pretty significant changes to my life over the last few years, some huge and some significant yet not so noticeable to the untrained eye. The biggie coming up, is moving to live with my boyfriend. We have been together a couple of years now and have maintained a long distance relationship pretty darn well, but who wants to live miles away from their loved one? Did I mention this long distance was between my home in England and his in Holland? Being two way-too sensible, control freaks, we put whimsical romance to one side and had a sort of trial period of living together. Neither of us do well with spontaneity or throwing caution to the wind, so a well planned trip was what we prescribed. I quit my job last summer and moved to the Netherlands for three months, to get a feel for the country, to see if I could get a grasp on the language and to basically see if I could make this place my home. All in all I am really proud with how it went, which has obviously brought us to this next phase, planning and actually moving- and all the consequences and implications, hurdles and opportunities this brings.

There is so much about this I want to share with you. Perhaps too much for one post. Maybe this was the reason I started the blog, not just to involve myself in a creative project, but to record this hugely life changing chapter, the ups and the downs (I feel dizzy just thinking about it!). But there is one thing in particular that has been occupying my mind, stealing my sleep and generally haunting me lately, it's a feeling of guilt. The hardest part in moving isn't the physical move, it isn't even learning a new language or starting from scratch with work, it's leaving my family and the thought of missing them. I have had so much support from some of you guys already, on the subject of missing families, and there is a huge comfort in knowing it can be done and that I'm not totally alone in thinking this way. It's just hard to shake the thought that I won't be down the road from them, and although it really isn't the other end of the earth, it's the anticipation of missing them that is really hard to deal with. Also, the guilt that I'm leaving. That my parents won't have me near by. Man, that ones a bitter pill to swallow. Don't get me wrong, my folks are wonderfully supportive, they're driving me over to Holland with a car full of my stuff, and spending a few days all of us together. They want me to do the things that make me happy, wherever that takes me. But that niggling feeling of selfishness is sitting there, taunting me. Perhaps once I move, with everyone involved, with all that will be going on, the feeling will be put in a more reasonable place, easier to deal with? I hope to build a happy life and enjoy how lucky I am to have two families, two places to call home and I hope we can get some kind of routine there. That it becomes normal to skype and arrange visits back and forth, between my life there.

Who knows what is around the corner? Maybe this move could bring my family even closer, despite the physical distance. It forces you to be organised and to make a huge effort with contact. That's what everyone has been telling me is the key, keep the communication there.

For now, I have the mammoth task of organising what to take (and how to squash it all into the back of a mini… Hilarity posts to come), sorting out important things such as insurance, passports, bank accounts (eeeeek!) and emotionally trying to wrap my head around the entire situation. Having Rich to keep me calm is the biggest help, I think he is prepared for some major freak-outs, so far so good ; ) Also, having the end goal as something to focus on, the fact that I will actually get to live with him, we can actually spend real time together and start a life together. Having a fantastic family here for support and in Holland, is proving incredibly valuable too. So no more storing these thoughts away to torture myself with, I think some constructive posts might prove a better solution. If you guys have any magical cures for worrying or any suggestions that might help my EXCITING yet nerve wracking journey, then share away!!

7 comments:

I really am so pleased you published this post Gem - hopefully getting everything off your chest and out into the open has made you feel a little free-er of worry; a little less laden-down with the weight of wondering whether it was right or not to do so. I 100% think you did the right thing in letting all this out - more often than not the worries you have, and the worries you vocalise, are the worries others have but can't. Guilt is a HUGE one, one people don't talk about often enough. However, don't yo worry, you aren't the only one dealing with that feeling, for I feel exactly the same about being away from my parents - specifically my Mum who is left at home with two boys, my Dad and bro! - and although our journeys, inevitably, vary (mine being a lot shorter) I still worry that I'm at the end of a phone call rather than up the stairs. However, what you have to remember is that your parents would have that same feeling if they asked you, or encouraged you, not to move because, ultimately, all parents want is to see their children happy. And no, it isn't easy, and yes, it's emotional, and it may not have been what you hoped for or dreamt for, and it may not be the most comfortable of rides - especially in a Mini! ;) - but it's the path you are on, the road you are going to take, and the end goal is one that will make you happy - thus, your parents will be happy. You have to remember that. They wouldn't want that to be what you are worrying about them - what/how to pack? Yes. That you are being selfish in following your path? No.

All I can offer you advice wise is take deep breaths!! And know that, at the end of this time, you are going to be living with the one you love. The one who makes you smile. All of this will be worth it to come home to him at night, of that I have no doubt.

Tori, what I did to become friends with you I'm really not sure, but I can't express enough quite how grateful I am. It chokes me up a bit to try and think of a response to your comment, I think all I can say is thank you. A really really big thank you. (And please stay in touch!!!)

I'm glad you decided to write this post sometimes its best just to let everything out and I think it makes you feel better instead of having these thoughts brooding at the back of your mind, that's the theory anyway ;) I think the reason why this time moving away is different is because when you moved away for uni and travelled with ballet theatre you probably always new that sooner or later you would end up back home or close to home but this time your moving to a new home and essentially a new life. The thing is with modern technology and all the gizmo and gadgets they have these days you'll be able to keep in touch with your family whenever and wherever, with twitter, facebook, tumblr, pinterest and blogger its difficult to feel alone at any point during the day no matter who you are. Its always hard moving away from family I wish I could tell you it isn't but I doubt there will ever be a time in history when somebody moves away from their family and doesn't miss them. Just remember your parents want you to be happy and to live your life, how would they feel if you didn't go? and think of this if you ever have the urge you can always drive and see them J Truthfully yup its a different country but its not Africa and your still close to England, be brave, take deep breaths and just remember that there are over 100 people on the internet here to support you :) and don’t feel guilty about moving to be a loved one.

I think you're right Jess, it isn't just a trip or a holiday this time, that's a little daunting. BUT I do get to have two homes, which is rather greedy and lucky of me, if I can embrace the change I suppose : )