No Rest For The Leary

Actor Denis Leary spouts off on his distaste for all things silicone

Most Read

A quick glance at mortality statistics would suggest that Denis Leary should be dead by now. Any man who has spent decades smoking—7,000 packs a day, by his count—and indulging in out-of-proportion fury about flavored coffee, vegetarians, and Lord of the Dance Michael Flatley while onstage would likely have been struck down by either lung cancer, a mid-rant embolism, or a bludgeoning at the hands of a tofu-dog-wielding mob. But now Leary, at 48, seems to have less to seethe about, nestled in bucolic Connecticut with his wife, Ann, and two teens. And those who may have stopped paying attention to Leary at about the time he released his musical manifesto (I'm an) "Asshole" should give the Massachusetts-born comedian another look. Leary's performance has been so solid on Rescue Me, the FX series he cocreated (returning this month for its third season), that now he's got a valid reason to be incensed: being twice denied an Emmy nomination for his portrayal of tortured New York City firefighter Tommy Gavin.

ELLE: You've never been afraid to offend large groups of people. What bugs you most about women?

DENIS LEARY: They have the talking disease. This inability to be quiet and still for long periods of time seems genetically coded in them.

ELLE: Do you think women say that men have the quiet disease?

DL: I actually like talking. But a friend and I went golfing one day, and when he gets home, his wife says, "So what did you and Denis talk about?" He says, "Nothing." So she goes into, "Why don't you want to tell me about it? Were there girls at this thing? Were you talking about an old girlfriend?" Literally, for six hours we'd pretty much said: "How many yards do you think the hole is from here? It says 150, but I think it's more like 145."

ELLE: Any tactics you find effective when arguing with a woman?

DL: You just can't win. Men have very recent land mines in their heads. Women have recorded conversations and photographs in their heads from 15 years ago. It'll be like, "Remember when we went to Lindsay's birthday party, and you were talking to that blond in the blue sweater with the big tits?" And meanwhile you're going, "Wait, who's Lindsay?"

ELLE: What could you tell a woman that would convince her you're more sensitive than your onstage persona?

DL: That guy onstage couldn't possibly stay in a relationship for 24 years unless he had many other things to offer.

ELLE: Wow. Twenty-four years. What's your secret?

DL: I'm really good at laundry, and I have no problem cleaning the kitchen. Also, it's important to have your own space. I've never trusted people who do everything together. I call them "Kool-Aid Couples," because it's like they drank the same Kool-Aid and it's drugged them into constantly gazing into each other's eyes.

ELLE: When your wife is talking about you with her friends, what do you think she complains about most?

DL: That I don't listen, I'm stubborn, and I'm a huge tipper.

ELLE: So your wife's a cheapskate?

DL: No, but she's a mom. She's always thinking about taking care of the family.

ELLE: Do you feel you've been unfairly tagged for the other stuff?

DL: All of it's unfair! No woman can be completely happy at any one moment in time. They're always anticipating the next thing to argue or complain about.

ELLE: Who were your first crushes from pop culture?

DL: Karen Valentine from Room 222, Susan Dey from The Partridge Family, and Peggy Lipton from The Mod Squad.

ELLE: If your life depended on sleeping with any man, who would you choose?

DL: I'd shoot myself in the head.

ELLE: Would it really be that bad?

DL: Not totally. I asked this gay guy I know how he keeps his relationship together. He said, "When we get mad, we beat the crap out of each other, then have great sex." So it's basically hockey, with sex, which to me sounds perfect.

ELLE: Give me a snapshot of your worst romance ever.

DL: I had a relationship with an Italian chick that was built on just fighting and sex. As much as all women won't let go of stuff, Italian girls won't let go of anything. And she punched really hard. I got tired of the arguing it took to get to the sex.

ELLE: Name somebody not objectively gorgeous who turns you on.

DL: Kathy Bates is sexy. It's partly because of her talent, but she's got a great face, and a great laugh.

ELLE: Whom do you most fear you resemble?

DL: Willem Dafoe. Obviously I'm a fan of his work; mostly it's about him being older than me and me not wanting to think I look old. But it's reached the point now if people say, quot;You were great in Spider-Man,quot; I just say, "Thank you."

ELLE: What's your position on breast implants?

DL: I can't stand them. It's like the equivalent of a comb-over for women. It's all about self-image problems.

ELLE: If we assembled all the women you've ever slept with in a room and they had to agree on one statement about you, what would it be?

DL: "He's an idiot."I don't remember birthdays, anniversaries, none of that stuff. But I would hope that they'd at least say, "He was funny as hell."

ELLE: If you were single and could have any woman—alive or dead—who are the top three names on your list?

DL: Julie Christie; one of the reasons I fell in love with my wife is because my wife kind of resembles her. Jackie O; but again, my wife has elements of her in the way she looks. And Charlotte Rampling, who, when she was younger, looked exactly like my wife. That's one of the reasons that when I first saw my wife, my knees buckled. Based on her looks alone, she was already in my kitchen making eggs.