The courage to BE resides in the God who arrives when God disappears; the 'I' that arrives when 'I' disappears.

Stealing Drinks at a Club.

Tenth of February, 2005.

I hate hating people. I hate looking at everyone that passes me by with doubt and contempt – fearing that the most insensitive, thoughtless words are going to come out of their mouths.

At midnight, I was at a friends house, in slippers. Feeling very relaxed. Next thing I knew an hour later, I was in a nightclub, with slippers on – and I was afraid of everyone in there. I was afraid of someone making a snotty comment. Someone being rude. Then a guy strikes up a conversation with me – a boring conversation, I just nodded my head and went back to silence.

A few moments ago, I was sitting on the church steps outside the club, in meditation. I was contemplating how it doesn’t matter where you are – whether there is noise around you, or whether there is silence – either way, the inner silence is always the same. Which is why when my friend came out and asked me to come into the club, I thought, “why not.” Then, as soon as I entered, the noise of the music blaring into my ear – people looking like puppets on strings – I kinda got very paranoid and clouded – forgetting my previous state of mind.

So, this girl puts her handbag next to me and goes to dance. Her boyfriend sees this and says to me, “Wow, she must trust you.” I reacted to that in confusion – in a sort of self-pity. Next thing I know, the same girl is screaming in my ear that I had stolen her drink, and she demanded that I buy her another one. She was very drunk by now, and when the bouncer came over, attracted by the commotion, as her and her boyfriend exasperatingly explained to him that they saw me drink her drink, I didn’t do anything. I just sat there. I couldn’t be bothered to defend myself – I didn’t even feel like I could. I was, in total distaste for humanity. It was a helpless state. The bouncer walked me out of the club.

I went back to the steps by the church, and things weren’t the same afterwards. The event had shaken me, and I couldn’t relax and see the unimportance of it all. One thing I knew though, is that even if I hadn’t gone into the club, if I had been somewhere else – it wouldn’t have mattered. I had made some choices, and these were the effects. That’s all. But the horrifying part was that I was feeling a complete lack of love for humanity. I didn’t want to be near them. I didn’t even want them to speak to me. People are always trying to poke each others wounds.

Then I eventually come home, come online, and Ikkle Boo messages me in near tears, explaining that Si had just called her and accused her of spending the money in the paypal account, told her to fix it, then told her to fuck off, and hung up. She was saying that it was Si who had spent the money, and she doesn’t mind helping him out, but she can’t stand being accused of something she didn’t do. The sincronicity is overwhelming.

By the end of the day, I had decided that I am nowhere near ready to help people out – I have so many problems of my own, how on earth could I help them with theirs. I felt a certain fury – a hatred of repeatedly being blamed for things I don’t deserve. A hatred of being so weak myself – that I can’t stand up for myself – that I always belittle myself before others in some vain demented, irrational, self-pity. It was horrifying to think that may never change. Part of me wanted to stay angry, so that I will remember to not let people mess with me, and another part couldn’t stand being angry. It just wanted to be free. But I was doubting this freedom I speak of at times – if I was so free, then why would people be so thoughtless unless I was still entertaining that fear inside?

Don’t you hate the times when you feel like everything is pointless? When you think you are getting somewhere, then you think you are not – and you keep battling between the two, and in the end, only end up seeing the pointlessness. Dragon keeps telling me that I keep trying to work things out – figure everything out – breaking it apart into pieces until what I am left with is a million pieces I just can’t put back together again – and so, I create my pain. One part wonders, so if I end up with a million broken pieces – won’t that lead me to seeing silence? Why is it so hard to convince ourselves that life is easy?

I don’t want to figure things out. Or to know how things work. I think I started on this knowing how things work as a compassionate act – but now I just wonder if I convinced myself it is. I am nowhere near ready to figure out grand methods for other people to use. My goal, simply put, was to find a sophisticated, simple, inspiring, effective, transcendental, illuminating way of showing the ease of life to anyone and everyone. I think I got terribly lost or overzealous somewhere along the way. I think I got stuck on the grandness of it. I would, in any day, in any moment, choose love for life, over the need to solve misery.

I hate it when people ask, “So, how do I stop being miserable?” And when Dragon would say to me, “Just stop.”… if said to others, they would just groan. Oh, but saying this brings something to memory. So, here I am, feeling completely dejected by the world, especially after seeing Ikkle Boo in tears, and then a new person messages me on chat, and explains that he loved how when someone asked how to stop something, I had replied, “Stop.” He explained that he understood the essence of emptiness through my statement – how no realisation is necessary, no insight – just be. He thanked me for it. And the thing was, I was still hating humanity too much and was too confused by this hatred to give him a heartfelt reply. I just smiled.

It doesn’t matter if I am underestimating humanity or if I have them spot on, or whatever other view I have of them. I got to get it into my head – somehow – that their lives are NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. I am yet to take full responsibility for my own. I had gone through a paranoid delusion today of seeing people react to my choices – and I hated it. I wanted them to make choices of their own, not simply react to me. Does it matter if everyone is connected, and all our thoughts are one? Or if we are are separated by some intrinsic free-will? This had always been kept – a mystery. Dragon had always spoken to me about choices, and told me that there is no choice. I cannot possibly worry about other people’s reactions OR actions. It doesn’t help. If they do a virtuous, courageous thing – I must be as equanimous of it as I am of a dastardly stupid act of theirs – and mine. I have to see them both in the same light. My vast preference for one over the other only ends up clouding my judgment.

Humility. Innocence. I was focusing on these two elements the whole day – and I don’t know how I went about it that was so wrong – but I ended up an angry mess. On hindsight, it must be because I was looking for signs outside of myself. Never a good thing. Especially with innocence, we get so afraid. I think that someone is going to try and betray my innocence, and that leads me down a stepladder to hell. The thought itself is so hinged in a separation that doesn’t exist. Humility. Have I broken it into a million pieces that I can’t put together again?

Upon what basis do I make my choices?

Most of all, I hate how I can handle things so wonderfully and responsibly on one day, and irresponsibly the next – the very same thing, one day I am competent, another day, I’m a wailing tortoise. It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever to me. Where is the consistency. How could I possibly stop making this into a huge drama? Stop.