Hi - I'm Steve. I got the job of typing
up Heiko's story, because he doesn't use a word processor yet. Heiko talks, I
type, but sometimes he gets going a little fast. Usually, he sits around
drinking beer, and he's always asking me "whut's de las' thing ya wrote?". I've
discovered with Heiko, the more beer he drinks, the bigger the buzz, and the
more outrageous he gets. But he's sure fun to write with. Heiko is an amazing
dog - he banks by touch tone phone, he can levitate, and he knows how to
hypnotize people, except for me. Heiko really did all the things you're going
to read about, and he actually came home one day with every Richard Pryor and
Eddie Murphy album ever made! He's crazy about Richard and Eddie, and he
sounds exactly like them. You better be able to read E-bonix!

Protection Dogs and
Violent Husbands / Ex-Husbands

Steve starts the story:

This is a terrific subject! Just think about
it .... pretend you own Canine Training for a few minutes .... you pay out
about $3000 a month for the Yellow Pages ad, and 35% of all your calls are from
women who want a dog to wreck their husbands! It's a strange world out
there, and the number of divorces MUST be going up really fast. Maybe in
the 2000s ALL ex-husbands will be violent, and threaten to kill their
wives!

That might be real good for dog trainers, cause
then they could educate all their local divorce lawyers that these women should
get their court date and a maniac killer dog AT THE SAME TIME!
Keep it all nice and neat:

"Certainly, Mrs. Monroe, stop by
the kennels, pick up your new attack dog, then I'll meet you in court at 11."
.... or ...."Be sure to pick one that will definitely hospitalize
Freddy for at least 2 weeks, gaining us time to seize property and file the
restraining orders."

The excitement all start when Miz Monroe bring de
dog home .... she plum forgot t' tell us she have 2 cats, another dog, part Pit
Bull, and a freakin' canary. Well, sheeeiiit! - she don' have NONE o' dem things no mo'! But she gots one bad ass dog wit' a
monster stomach ache an' a bunch o' scratches on his ass! Ah think de dog
jus' INHALE'T dat canary, cause none o' us could find a feather.

Well, sho' nuff, 'bout a week ago, de old man come
ova' by her house and man, lemme tell ya, it was a bitch! Fust
thing, she let that ol' gorilla sneak his ass up by de front doo' 'n put his key
in it, see? Set her ass up in de bedroom wit de dog, waitin' fo' dat big
legged, ass beatin', collard green eatin' fool t' walk in. Which he
DID! De dog start t' growlin', 'n snappin', the bitch cain't
barely hold him back, 'n de dude be's gettin' all defensive! I look't
aroun', seen't how much fun things wuz turnin' into, 'n decided to STAY,
'n see de REST of dis shit!

Dey fell all on de floo', wuz rollin' every
which-a-way, de dude slam de dog all upside de haid, 'n de dog shake de shit out
de dude's arm, which is jus' abouts pull't OFF by now, man! I'm
tellin' ya, it wuz 'SCITIN'!! De bitch all yellin' and screamin',
run all out in de kitchen, 'n come back wit a fry pan about 3 feet across!
I don' know 'bout 'CHOO, but I ain' no neva' SEEN'T no gawddamn
fry pan DAT gawddamn big befo'!! Must'a weighed 85 pounds! Scare't de shit outta me,
man! She lean down, whack 'im all upside de haid, blood flyin' all ova, 'n
all in hi' eyes, cain't see WHAT de fuck he be's tryin' t' do! De
dog wuz eatin' hi' ass UP, Jack!, an' de bitch jes' plain PULVERIZIN'
dat dude's haid! Sheeeiit! Ah near 'bouts had a
stroke, it wuz so much fun! Well, de moral o' de story iz, she went
plum berserk! Den she call't de Po-lice, 'n it took fo' of
'em to drag dat dude away! Dat's right! Lock hi' ass UP,
Jack! Call't it "Domestic Biolence".

Den, a few days lata', de bitch go all up in de
court, 'n hafta tessify on de dude. Well, de Judge foun't his ass
guilty, see? 'n fines 'im abouts $15,000.