I know I’m not supposed to be a big fan of the Beastie Boys because I’m a black man. I’ll be perfectly honest with you though, I’m a fan. I owned all their albums growing up and I thoroughly enjoy all their music to this day. Except a few of their later tracks, when that one dude probably caught cancer. But if they all got shot, I think I’d be cool with that.

I’m not saying I want the remaining Beastie Boys to get gunned down by a rabid fan or some punk who’s looking for fame. And I definitely don’t want them to just get nicked and then get some fake ass “street cred” for it. That’d be the worst-case scenario. White folk already hold those motherfuckers in too high of regard. I do think we could finally call ourselves even if Run DMC shot them dead, just because that shit would be funny as fuck.

Don’t get me all mixed up, I’m not one of those dudes who thinks we oughtta get reparations. That don’t mean if the government wants to give me money for free, I ain’t gonna take it but I ain’t looking for it either. I am starting to feel like there needs to be some sort of comeuppance in order for everybody to chill the fuck out and hate each other equally, and having some athletes kneel for the anthem ain’t it.

If there were going to be a specific event that set the table straight, white people probably thought the OJ murders were it. A black man made it to the top, became rich and famous, married a white woman, beat her, then murdered her and her white boyfriend. Then, to top it all off, he got away with it; all with fanfare and people cheering him on, too. Too bad for white folk, they had just gotten away with the whole Rodney King beatings. That fool may have been a slimy motherfucker but no one deserves a whoopin’ like that and there ain’t no way in hell those cops should’ve gotten away with it. The little riot afterwards didn’t make up for it either. Seeing Run DMC drop the family friendly act and finish off the rest of the Beastie Boys probably would.

Seeing that sorta shit happen to Eminem or Kid Rock would still be funny as hell but it wouldn’t be the same. White people would only give Eminem more undeserved credit than he already gets and we’d probably have to put up with a month or two of hearing all his songs again and how he’s one of the most underrated rappers of all time. If Kid Rock got shot, we’d probably have an all-out civil war but that’s only because that motherfucker is involved in politics and you people are crazy about that shit. All that would happen if the Beastie Boys got shot is white people would let out a collective “oh, no” in that sad and concerned mom voice y’all use. I don’t think you could find a single black person in this country who wouldn’t be holding back laughter either.

It’s too late now. They ain’t making music no more and one of them is dead already but seeing all three of them get popped by some brothers who was against that type of shit, back when they were sort of big? That would have changed some shit. It wouldn’t be for the better if it happened when Licensed To Ill first dropped. All those jocks would have rioted and there would’ve been a fuckin’ race war. But if it went down around the time they started caring about Tibet, moms were cool with them, and they were still releasing tracks? I think I’d be alright with that.

One down, two to go. Bunch of boring preachy “Buddhists”. Remember when they toured with Public Enemy back in the 80’s? I bet Professor Griff was filled with joy having to sit next to three nice Jewish boys on the tour bus.