My goal is to write about my experiences, share what I have learned, and hopefully help someone deal with and free themselves from their narcissist. My secondary goal, is to let out all so much I have held in for years and quietly suffered. I do this as a means to continue to heal.

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About Me

I graduated from one of the most prestigious schools, got my bachelors and masters in engineering, had a promising career, and had wonderful, beautiful children. By all accounts and appearances, it would have appeared for a long time that I had a great, picturesque life, but underneath it all, I was married to someone who was diagnosed as being narcissistic.
My nightmare started almost immediately after I married this person who was Jekyl and Hyde. I want to share my experiences and to let you know what I had to sacrifice and do to get away from this person. My journey still continues as I am still working to fully recover from experiencing this person in my life. I don't think anyone ever really recovers from dealing with such a monster.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Not a level playing field

I think we can all agree that from our earliest childhood memories we can recall that we were always taught that good will prevail against evil. For most of us, we tend to believe this as a core value. When I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship, I really wanted to believe that goodness and especially the truth would prevail. I wanted to right so many wrongs- and in doing so I expended so much energy and at times just came across as someone who was mentally unstable. How miserable to be in an abusive relationship and in trying to right the wrongs of the abuser, we become obsessed with "fixing it". It took me a long time, a lot of heartache and pain, to just learn to walk away.

Do you ever feel like you just want to prove to the world, what a horrible person your narcissist is? They have no conscience and dare I say it--they have no soul. They feel no remorse or guilt for the horrible things they inflict on you. When someone acts without emotion, they act like a robot... they drive you insane, breakdown your defenses, and when you lash out and just lose it- they magically, turn to world and say "see, look at what a crazy person I have to deal with". They are so good at this game. My ex used to follow me around with a video camera for weeks, stalk me, and when I just about it had it and starting breaking dishes and screaming out of pure anger and frustration, he would jump into his calm demeanor and call upon his friends and everyone else to "show them just what a crazy person I was". Then I would frantically, try to show and explain to people what had been going on for weeks and sometimes even months... why I broke down. None of it mattered, all that mattered was that their friend or colleague had successfully duped them into demonstrating the aftermath... when you finally break down.

The abused person has a normal reaction to someone who torments and abuses them. The narcissist has a cold, calculated, manipulated reaction. Thus this creates an uneven playing field. When the other person lacks the ability to have normal reactions and emotions, fair just goes out the window. There is nothing fair, nothing nice, nothing decent when dealing with a narcissist.

Many times, by the time you realize you are with a narcissist, the damage has been done. His friends think you are nuts and emphatize with the narcissist because they have to deal with the likes of you... It took me a long time to just say "f*ck it. I don't give a damn anymore what other people think and I especially don't care what you (the narcissist) thinks of me". Best therapy of my life. Walking away, not being a part of the chaos the narcissist ensues, was the best remedy. Because when one person doesn't have the ability to play fair, why play at all? Why give them the satisfaction? Let them move on to the next victim- so they leave you alone and let you recover and heal.

I hope I can reach someone who thinks that the best course of action is to extract revenge or to somehow show the world the true nature of the narcissist. I hope that they just turn around and say, "I will live the best life ever and that will be the best revenge". Because when they see they haven't gotten to you and that you have moved on, it will eat them up. They will be consumed with what they deem as "unfairness"... because in their minds you don't deserve it, you deserve to be miserable for ever. Let them wallow in their own misery. Let them stew in their own jealousy.

My house is almost done- two more weeks. I have a great job and a wonderful guy in my life. I will be posting pictures of our finished house soon. Living a life of peace and happiness is my number one goal. Never again will I let the narcissist ensnare me in his chaos. Never again, will I let this person degrade me. Never again will I let this person have any say in how I feel, how I live, and who I am.

3 comments:

This is so what I could not put in words. It is so true, everything you wrote. I can write so much more but you have put it in a nutshell. (The victim in our case is a male and the Narcissist, the wife.) The actions are all the same. I feel for you and take my hat off for you. To be able to write all this after the trauma you went through and probably still is. "Our" kidies are living with the Narcisist and her new victim, I do WORRY because they are young and being used as scapegoats now..... Thank you for helping others by making public your story....!!

I understand your situation. To watch what you to be a grave injustice- especially when it involves your children is just heart wrenching. I just try my best to concentrate on the positive. I am so much healthier now that I am not with this crazy person. Being healthy for your children- both mentally and emotionally is just as important sometimes.

This post gave me great comfort knowing I haven't been alone. Thank you for posting it. I, too, am at the point of no longer caring what people think of me based on what he's said. I know the truth and as you stated, living well is the best revenge.