October 27

We made it to Friday. If we believed in such things, we’re certain it’s a damn miracle. Not only did our President NOT blow us up this week, we didn’t get hit by a bus, contract a deadly virus, or get mauled by bears. That last thing is probably because we’re not willing to go outside and that’s generally where the bears are located. Nevertheless, if a roaming pack of bears wandered past the car wash while either of us were there, we most certainly would have met our death by mauling. It was a bad week. All the planets were badly aligned or something. We have put in a formal request for next week to be a major improvement on this one. These Things amused us amid our despair. Hopefully they’ll do the same for you.

1. Who knew Canadians were so boisterous. So a dude in Montreal got a ticket for $149 for being too loud in public. Don’t you know he’s fighting it. Won’t pay it, he says. No way was he as loud as the authorities and complaining citizens claim he was being. That’s what the ticket was for, by the way: “Screaming in Public.” Seems Mr. Moalla was sitting in his car with the windows “mostly rolled up” when C+C Music Factory’s song “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)” came on the radio. Mr. Moalla sang along, you know, as a fan is wont to do. We all know we’ve rolled up to a traffic light next to some fool in a car with the radio up so loud that your own car vibrates from

Billy Joel and Baby Remy Anne Credit: Myrna Suarez

the bass they’re belting out. Imagine how loud Mr. Moalla must have been for a cop to pull him over. It’s a good song, we’ll admit, but not that good. It’s not like it was “I Will Survive” or, Ava’s personal favorite, “Dancing Queen.”

2. What’s Billy Thinking? The news came out this week that Billy Joel just had another child. The man is 68-years-old. I guess it’s different when you’re rich and you have a kid at that ridiculous age. All we can think about is not sleeping for six months and dirty diapers. We were never so happy as when we finally got to leave the damn diaper bag at home. Perhaps when you’re an uber-rich celebrity you hire people for that nonsense. Still – when she goes off for college, he’ll probably be back in diapers himself. We wonder if that thought wakes him up at night in a cold sweat. Well, while he’s up he might as well fix a bottle and change some poopy pants. Also, he named this child Remy Anne – which is totally, totally wrong. The Brights had that name all sewn up 17 years ago.

3. Who is the patron saint of candidates? We looked it up. It’s Saint Thomas Moore. We’re lighting a bonfire to the man, the myth, the legend. Surely he has something to do with the fact that Kid Rock decided not to run for public office. Yes, apparently that was an actual thing. US Senate. From Michigan. Some of our family is from Michigan and, if that horror show happened, we were blaming them for it. Clasp

How we imagine Brenda, Joe’s new girlfriend.

your hands together whether your Catholic or not and thank St Thomas Moore for intervening. We don’t need to add greasy hair to what is already happening over there.

4. Does Target sell crumpets? What exactly is a crumpet? Well, now when we wonder these things we have someone to go to. Her name is Denise and Amylynn met her when she went to pick up kitty food. “Oooh!” she said when the conveyor belt brought the cans toward her. “You have a kitty?” Her accent sounded brilliant amidst all the boring American tones. “Yes,” I admitted, thrilled for any opportunity to talk about my perfect felines. “And if you’re not careful I’ll show you pictures of them.” Denise seemed genuinely interested so I showed her pictures readily available on my phone of Quentin and Joe. She gushed. Of course she did; they’re gorgeous. “You have a gingey!” she squealed referring to the perfectly handsome Jojo Kitty. “I have a ginger, too.” Turns out hers is a girl named Brenda. Originally

Zelda Zeta Fitzgerald

the cat’s name was Beatrice, but that’s a very lady-like name and the kitty got fat. “I thought Brenda was a more fitting name.” We found our English soul mate.

5. Share the hedge. Well, it’s happened. The Sisters have been whining for a tiny hedgehog for so long now they were convinced no one listens to them. Not so! The Sisters have an amazing friend who gave Ava an early birthday. Needless to say, she was in shock! Check back here during the week for a complete blog on the new baby. For now, here’s a sneak peek of Zelda. (No, Billy Joel, that’s not an invitation for you to have another baby and steal another one of our family member’s names.)