Kill awkward conversation lulls with Fill the Silence

Dinner parties stress me out. First of all, I’m always late for things, which is not cool at meal-based adult functions. Secondly, the fork selection alone can be intimidating. And even if I’ve arrived in a timely manner and used the proper fork, there’s this whole conversation racket to worry about.

Back when I was a crime reporter, I was even worse at dinner parties. I learned the hard way that no one wants to hear about the pile of brains you saw on FM 365 that afternoon.

Here, from my experience, is a list of things that are unacceptable dinner party conversation:

Politics

Religion

Your parole officer and what a jerk he is

Anything that has ever come out of your child, ever

Obama. Please, God, nobody mention Obama.

Miley Cyrus

Why I don’t have a boyfriend

How much you spent on your wedding

That thing your kid said the other day that seemed really funny but, let’s face it, was not very funny

Your thoughts on gluten (seriously, shut up about gluten, guys)

Things that exited your body during the Master Cleanse

Anything involving the word “cleanse”

In contrast, here is a list of things that make for awesome dinner party conversation:

Space

Beards

Space beards

Tina Fey

The fact that Twinkies were actually filled with banana cream until the great banana ration of World War II

Any historical instance of banana rationing, actually

Syria (Have you guys seen this whole Syria thing?)

Old-timey cocktail recipes

Old-timey beard recipes

Cats and all the awesome things they do

How cute my outfit is

If you’re struggling with appropriate dinner party conversation, I suggest the website Fill the Silence. At Help-Fill-The-Silence.tumblr.com, you’ll find all sorts of handy factoids that make for polite and engaging conversation. For instance, did you know that the only human bone that can’t repair itself is the tooth?

See? Now you have something to talk about for the next 45 minutes. Bon appetit.