Doctor Z- Sorry if Im bothering you with too many questions..

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Doctor Z- Sorry if I’m bothering you with too many questions.. it’s just that I do trust you and I’m not sure where else to turn right now. I will tell you first that I have been working through the thought record from the link you sent and it has helped. I also have been trying to do more fun things and actually got out for the first time in several weeks and went swimming, and Thursday I went to a movie with my GF… just things like that. So anyway, to get to my question…since the last time I talked to you some more things have happened. The girl I cheated with has been trying to text me since it happened and I have tried to ignore them for the most part but wasn’t able to completely. Last night my GF went through my phone and found the texts. Most of the texts were nothing too bad except for the part where she is wanting to meet up with me again and a few parts where she sort of told me things like how good we are together, how much chemistry we have, etc. She knows I’m trying to work things out with my GF so I’m not sure why she’s doing this.Anyway, needless to say my GF freaked out and we had a huge fight. I was mad because she went through my phone and she was just plain furious with me because she thinks I shouldn’t be getting texts from this girl and that once a cheater always a cheater now I guess.I have not been doing well since she walked out the door last night (and STILL has not come back yet). She is not answering my texts either. Up until this happened I was no longer feeling like hurting myself but that is where I am now… I have this surgical blade hidden and I got it out and just looked at it today, I didn’t do anything except hold it and think about what it would be like to use it. It’s put away now but that scared me because I have been feeling so numb inside that I don’t think I would even feel pain at this point.My question is what can I do to feel better with her out God knows where and me feeling like my heart is just aching inside for her and about to pound right out of my chest? I love her so much and never meant to hurt her, if we can get through this I want to marry her…I swear I would marry her tomorrow if I could. I see my psychiatrist about the meds but not until next Friday. Do you think I could maybe up something? I take Abilify, Wellbutrin, Adderall and Intuniv. I have insomnia a lot anyway but right now I haven’t slept except maybe 2 hours since all of this started too… Or just keep trying to concentrate on the thought record?

Hello, I am so sorry youl are going through this, but I am here to listen and help

DoctorZ :

You are right the girl that you cheated on with should not be texting you especially since she knows that you want to make it work with you gf. I think you did a good job of trying your best to ignore the texts

DoctorZ :

Her texting you is not your fault, because that is her decision

DoctorZ :

So you should not feel guilty about that

Customer:

I think I just feel guilty because my gf really really let me have it over that and I feel like I let her down yet again

DoctorZ :

Your girlfriend is upset about the past and this just reminds her of that. It is a step back for her and your relationship, but it is by no means an end to your relationship from what you have told me

DoctorZ :

I do think you had a right to be upset with for spying on you and checking your phone, but that is because she is feeling vulnerable and insecure too.

Customer:

and I understand why she did it, i guess, I was just mad too at the time and probably said some things I shouldn't have too, we both did

DoctorZ :

Anger will do that, you will say things you do not mean. When things get calmer, then I encourage you both to talk about it and for you to explain that you did not want her texting you and that you were ignoring the texts.

DoctorZ :

In the future, you may want to delete those texts as soon as you get them just to avoid any problems or misunderstanding

Customer:

My fear is that she is not coming back this time though, that is really scaring me

Customer:

and you are right, I shouldn't have left the texts on the phone to begin with

DoctorZ :

Give her space and let her reflect on everything. Now what would happen if she didnt come back?

Customer:

What would happen is I would never meet anyone again, not like her

DoctorZ :

Now I want you to try to use the techniques of the thought record to help you answer the questions 1) Will she come back 2) What if she does not come back?

Customer:

She will probably come back because she always has before after other fights...but if she does not come back I will still be ok because I am the only one who can be responsible for my own happiness..?

DoctorZ :

Good job, that very accurate and insightful. Remember you have been focusing on her, but do not forget that you have a lot to offer someone too and that you are also desirable to others. So even if she does leave, it will be her loss and you will find someone else as well.

Customer:

Ok, yeah, that way of thinking definitely helps, it is already helping.. i don't know why i always left myself feel panic when it comes to her

DoctorZ :

Love will do that to some people.

DoctorZ :

Now I would like to ask about some of the thoughts of hurting yourself that you had

DoctorZ :

How do you feel right now about hurting yourself?

Customer:

I don't feel like hurting myself right now

DoctorZ :

Because you thought more positively?

Customer:

yeah, and i'm not feeling so sick to my stomach, i'm feeling calmer again

DoctorZ :

That is good, I am really happy that the thought record is helping you a lot

DoctorZ :

Are you still looking for another therapist?

Customer:

yes and i think i have found one i will call on monday about an appt

DoctorZ :

That is great news!!! I am happy for you :)

Customer:

:) thank you, XXXXX XXXXX feel like I need to talk to one again...even though the last one was in some ways not good for me I miss the talking

DoctorZ :

I think so too, and I think it will help you a lot. While the thought record is good, it is only a tool not meant to substitute therapy

DoctorZ :

So let me ask you, when you had the thoughts about hurting yourself and holding the blade, Did you text this to your girlfriend?

Customer:

I almost did but then I didn't

DoctorZ :

Good, you dont want to do that. It will make things worse for your relationship because then she may feel like you are guilting her to come back.

DoctorZ :

Now you said the surgical blade was hidden, why do you have it?

Customer:

i should probably get rid of it, i'm not sure why I keep it,

DoctorZ :

I think you should get rid of it, but do it when you are ready, so that you will not have to rely on it or on suicidal thoughts when things may go bad.

Customer:

Ok, I will try to, ..I didn't think about it as relying on suicidal thoughts before

DoctorZ :

It is like a symbol for your suicidal thoughts and your past that you may rely on because a lot of times when things go bad we rely on things that are familiar like our pasts. If you get rid of it too soon, then it wont have any significance for you, but when you truly want to let go of that part of you, then you will get rid of it

Customer:

ok wow, that gives me a lot to think about, I def never thought of it like that before

DoctorZ :

Another reason getting therapy will help sort these things out. And this is just my opinion, I think a therapist in person will do worlds of good for you, I think you will respond really well with the right therapist (one that does not judge you like the last one)

Customer:

ok thats really cool :) I am glad to hear that

DoctorZ :

No problem, and I think you wanted to ask about your medication because you are not sleeping well

Customer:

yeah i just wondered if you thought that would be a good idea...i mean i don't sleep a lot anyway, and then when things like this happen i really don't

DoctorZ :

I understand the insomnia right now because this is very stressful. What are the dosages of your wellbutrin and abilify?

Customer:

the wellbutrin is the XL 300 mg and Abilify is 15 mg

DoctorZ :

And you take that once a day?

Customer:

yes

DoctorZ :

Well those two meds combined are supposed to make you a little drowsy, but most likely you are already used to it which is why you do not have that side effect. Here are two options that you can do, you can take benadryl to help you sleep at night and you can ask you doctor for a stronger anti-anxiety medication, like a benzodiazepine. But I would go with the benadryl first and see how that works and also you are going to continue therapy which should help with your stress too

Customer:

ok, I have never tried benadryl, that I can just get at like walgreens right?

DoctorZ :

Yes you can. We use it a lot with patients as a starting medication to help patients sleep instead of putting them on stronger medications that can have more side effects

Customer:

ok that's good, I would rather be on something not too strong if possible

DoctorZ :

Thats why I mentioned benadryl to start slow at first, but I do think once therapy becomes more routine for you, your stress level will go down and that will help you sleep better

Customer:

Yeah i really want to get the therapy started as soon as possible, maybe then i could even cut back on the meds

DoctorZ :

It is certainly possible, many individuals ween off their meds as therapy becomes more effective for them.

DoctorZ :

So how was swimming and going to the movies?

Customer:

It was awesome, i really needed to just get out of the house, plus it was good just getting all that sun,

DoctorZ :

Thats great to hear, I am glad it made you feel better

Customer:

yeah it was a really good suggestion, everything has been from you, i really appreciate it :)

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always glad to help and make you feel better. But in all honesty 100 percent of the work comes from you, so in essence you are making yourself feel better, I am just a guide

Customer:

well I have needed the guidance in any case, that is for sure

DoctorZ :

I am happy to help you

DoctorZ :

Is there anything else you would like to talk about?

Customer:

no I think that has covered everything that's been happening

DoctorZ :

Okay, if you have any other questions or concerns, you are more than welcome to ask anytime

DoctorZ :

I hope everything works out well with your girlfriend and with the therapy appointment