And More

Living In I Don't Know

American Canyon, California, USA

July 14, 2007

Wait. You assume you know what I mean. There's many ways you could
interpret
what I just said. There's "I want answers" said like I'm the head of an
investigation team directing my subordinates to do the work and get
answers, to find out. There's "I want answers" said like we
failed to produce, and out of a commitment, I want to get to the
bottom of why we failed so we can correct. There's even "I want
answers" said to relate, to inspire, to drive, and to motivate some
understanding.

It's none of the above. The way I'm saying it doesn't imply any of
these possible scenarios.

When I say "I want answers" I mean it like I'm reacting. It's an
autonomic response, a knee jerk reflex in
reaction to, in avoidance of the profound experience I
don't know. There's no
leadership
in it at all. It doesn't
reflect
any commitment whatsoever. I'm not trying to correct anything. And
there's nothing even remotely related, inspiring, driven, or motivated
about it.

I have an experience of I don't know, an experience of I
don't have answers.

Then, automatically, I want answers.

There's no creativity in it. None. When I say "I want answers" in this
context, it's simply axons, neurons and
dendrites flashing, their triggers fired by I don't
know. That's all. And the trouble with it is if I don't make this
distinction fast enough, I then set off down a path of authentic
inquiry to get answers. That authentic inquiry, therefore, is
based on, is built on, is predicated on, is founded on nothing more
than a stimulus / response reflex.

If and when I do make this distinction fast enough and therefore notice
the reflex and do nothing with it, only then is there the
possibility of authenticity right from the get go. The way to being
authentic with I don't know is not to get
answers although arguably that's got a reasonable pull to
it. Rather, the way to be authentic with I don't know is
to be with it, to live in I don't know, to do
nothing with it but let it be, to keep my fingers out
of the
machinery.

On those rare occasions when I catch myself in time to make this
distinction, I can observe the entire play of the
phenomenon. "I don't know" leads quite naturally to the self-effacing
"I should know". More likely it leads into "I'll find
out". "I'll find out" is what I'm supposed to do when I
don't know. It's not that I was taught what I'm supposed to
do in this regard per se. We as individuals, as human
beings, as a society and as a culture are loath to let I don't
know be. And so we don't tolerate it. We
eschew
it. Pretty soon
eschewingI don't know becomes de rigueur so we all
eschew
it and we encourage others to
eschew
it too. Born of popular agreement, a tidal wave of
eschewingI don't know rises up. Eventually everyone assumes it's
the right thing to do.

That's when, for better or for worse, we've taught ourselves it's
authentic to be
inauthentic.
We then teach it to others. We then teach it to our children. Before we
know it the inmates are running the asylum. Soon afterwards life stops
working, struggle and effort set in, and we're left wondering why. Even
if it wasn't stated quite this way at the time, I've been taught from
an early age what I'm not supposed to do when I don't know
is to be with, is to live inside of I don't know.

What exactly is the result of, what exactly is the consequence of
breaking the rule (and also, by the way, of breaking the mold)
and doing nothing at all when I don't know, then simply
living an act of
Zen
in I don't know?

Of course, there's never a result of an act of
Zen.
There's never a consequence of an act of
Zen
either. If there were a result, if there were a consequence, by
definition the act of
Zen
wouldn't be an act of
Zen.
The result of an act of
Zen,
the consequence of an act of
Zen
is the thing in itself. The result of living in I don't
know is simply living in I don't know. The consequence
of living in I don't know is simply living in I don't
know. In the simplicity of living in I don't know I
get to experience who I really am. I get to experience the
foundation, the ground zero from which the autonomic reflex
fires up.

Life being what it is (and what it isn't), sooner or later I may indeed
have to find ways to get to know what I don't know. But for now, for
the time being at least, I'm reveling in living in I don't know.
I'm basking in simply being who I really am.