Friday, September 12, 2008

Daniel Day 5 (2)

My grandiose fasting fantasy: only water and silence this weekend (Y).

I asked the Holy Spirit if I should eat fruit (or not) with the briefest of thought prayers. Here is what I thought next:

OK, I just discovered an ego trick; actually, this is a revelation. This fantasy is, for me right now, an ego conflict. I never win if I fight my ego. I committed to X on day one of this fast (abstinance from certain foods and eating only certain foods, as Daniel in the Old Testament); but now, it seems like my ego has whispered Y (the fantasy of water and silence). My ego may also have said that if I could go all weekend with water and silence, I’ll be very holy and achieve something mysterious which I’ll call “more.” God’s call was for X. If I try Y (the desire for more), I’ll lose. I won’t be happy. If I entertain Y fantasies, then I’ll feel guilty for achieving X (because X isn't good enough for my ego). Trying to do more than X is my will. Wanting Y would separate me from God and His strength.

I actually do not want happiness; I want joy. Happiness sounds good and it is what my ego promises if I do Y. God already promised what I want through X. I’m sure that if I do X, I’ll get what I was seeking and that will bring joy. I’ve just proven that ego happiness is fleeting and forever just beyond my reach; but leading to guilty despair. Joy is deep and satisfying and reachable because it has the power of God behind it.

Relating this to ACIM, the ego’s whisper about Y is the same as the tiny mad idea. X is Heaven. I don’t need to suffer to have X. Listening to the ego and grasping the fantasy of Y produces the separation from God.

Fasting and silence are wonderful; and I will have the majority of time in silence this weekend. But, I should not skip my 12 step meeting in the name of egotistical holiness.