No More American Idol

Our society thrives on embarrassing others. It’s time to stop.

Imagine what the world would look like if the news media and popular culture would carefully observed the Torah's commandment not to embarrass someone else in public. Our Sages actually compare it to murder, noting that when someone is embarrassed all the blood drains from their face.

Many of the daytime talk shows and reality TV would be gone. Even American Idol would cease. The Star and The National Enquirer, People magazine and US would likely fold. Airwaves would go silent and newspapers would shrink even further than they have already.

Of course this is a fantasy. We've become a society that thrives on embarrassing others – it's entertainment! A world where reporters complete to find the juiciest tidbit about a celebrity.

We embarrass others without even blinking an eye.

In the process, we all pay a price. We lose our sensitivity – and don’t even notice. We embarrass others without even blinking an eye. We hurt relationships, we destroy communities. And we aren’t even aware of what we’re doing. We’ve become immune. We take that way of conversation, that sense of humor, that meanness, for granted.

And it’s up to us to turn the tide. While the Torah prohibits all forms of embarrassing others, some seem particularly egregious: teacher-student, parent-child, and husband-wife (or vice versa) come to mind.

Teachers: The few teachers who embarrass their students give all others a bad name. They have the power to shape young souls and any humiliation of their pupils is an abuse of their authority, with the potential for long-term disastrous consequences.

I’m still kicking myself that I didn’t confront the high school teacher who told my daughter that her question was like that of a 3rd grader. Aren’t we supposed to encourage questioning? Ethics of Our Fathers teaches us that a bashful person can’t learn. I comfort myself with the rationalization that I don’t think my daughter was hurt by it (except perhaps in her loss of respect for the teacher) because she had enough support at home and from her friends to recognize how inappropriate his response was. She had enough confidence to ignore him. But what about the girls who don’t?

Parents: Unfortunately parents are notorious for embarrassing their children in public. Some of it seems so innocent: “Play piano for the guests.” “Show them how you speak French.” Yet it takes a toll. Our children are not circus monkeys.

Some parents think it’s cute to tell stories about their children’s past adventures. But the kids frequently find those tales utterly humiliating. We should not use our children’s lives as conversational gambits or sources of amusement.

Obviously, the worst type of parent-child humiliation includes actual insults, yelling and constant berating. All the ways in which parents compare their child’s behavior to others, attack them for actions, grades or words or make them feel “less than” are in violation of this Torah prohibition.

Marriage: I heard a radio talk show host once suggest that the worst thing one spouse could do to another was to humiliate them publicly. It’s possible there are other behaviors that make it onto the “worst” list but this is certainly up (or down) there. We can start with yelling at your spouse. Whether in public or private, this is a humiliation. We move on to insults, cutting remarks, nit-picking, and even sometimes teasing (which frequently contains a hurtful truth). All of these behaviors embarrass our spouses, hurt them and our relationship.

We’re not used to living with this level of sensitivity. We’re not used to a world where it’s better to shade the truth than embarrass someone. We’re not used to tailoring our speech to the needs of others, to being self-censoring. We’re not used to celebrating and reinforcing the dignity of the human being.

If we really think about it we would see that ultimately the person we’re embarrassing the most is ourself!

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 32

(31)
Anonymous,
March 31, 2011 12:10 AM

American Idol Should GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In 7th grade I was embarresed to go up and read a paper so why should American Idol stay on the air I think American Idol SHOULD GO FOREVER!!! Also I wish for the best in Japan.

(30)
Liz,
March 18, 2010 8:40 AM

My whole life I was very sensitive to humiliation and embarassment. For example I refused to watch scenes in movies where they somehow humiliated somebody. This characteristic has proven to be endlessly entertaining to my family. Whenever I try skip such a scene (by walking out of the room), I am being called a coward and over-sensitive. It also made a great table-story to tell our guests.
After some years I started believing them that I was abnormal and too sensitive... I always thought I was the only one with this "feature" and couldn't understand why I didn't enjoy shows that everyone else seemed to, and I was very glad to find this article.
Thanks!

(29)
Anon,
March 18, 2010 3:39 AM

American Idol is a good example

@Anon
It's irrelevant that contestants go on the show on their own volition. The main appeal of the first half of the season is watching people who can't sing get put down and ridiculed. The point is that the majority of Americans take pleasure and derive entertainment from watching others be embarrassed.

(28)
Anonymous,
March 18, 2010 12:50 AM

Don't even try to defend those who are being ridiculed!

Thank you so much for this much needed article. I've just lived a very aggravating situation at work. The organization I work for has just hired someone, a very capable and nice person. The problem is that there were 2 people competing for the job; we knew the other person very well from a previous and temporary appointment he had with us. Team members, who all had their say in this hiring, were not unanimous, which is OK. The problem is that I've discovered along the way that our boss had never had any intentions to hire our ex-colleague. He'd even said a few weeks ago so to s.o. I know outside the organization. This recruitment process was all fake! I understand it as a setup to hire someone in particular while making it look like we made the decision. The result was that our ex-colleague, who really believed he had a chance, was not only turned down: he was judged inadequate, insufficiently qualified, and was told so, by those who had a role to play in the hiring process. As a member of the recruiting team, I've seen all this unfold for several weeks, having private info I couldn't share with my co-workers as to our boss's prejudice. In order to give that guy a real chance, I realize now that I've tried to defend and protect s.o. who couldn't be protected from ridicule and subsequent harm. And I've also realized, when I saw some of my co-workers giving me the cold shoulder, that I have made a fool of myself in their eyes. Not only is it OK to ridicule others and use them but, what's more, it's NOT OK to try to take their side. Tonight, I am very sad and I feel that I have been ridiculed myself.

(27)
Aviva,
March 17, 2010 7:56 PM

American Idol is THE example

The reason why this example is so poignant is that it describes our society's desire for this type of discourse. We like watching people be told "how it really is" to the applause of a large live crowd, not to mention that it's on national television.
While they did sign up for the anticipated humiliation, the participants' willingness to be subjected to it is just another point to Mrs. Braverman's article. Participants feel that it is okay to be publicly humiliated if it will get them to the singing contract or if it will help them to learn.
Imagine the show without the humiliation. Imagine that the performers were given private feedback, but only a public score from 1-10. It would be pretty boring television, no?
This is a great article and I hope that we will all recognize that our acceptance of this attitude of teasing and humiliation is detrimental to our relationships and to how we view other people.

(26)
Anonymous,
March 16, 2010 9:10 PM

American Idol? Not Quite...

Your reference to American Idol doesn't work. No one forces contestants to go on that show. Everyone knows that Simon Cowell's comments can be biting and harsh. Those who go on the show "assume the risk." They volunteer to go on the show, with knowledge that it could end poorly for them. By contrast, neither you nor I, in our daily lives, volunteer for the possibility of being embarassed. Our lives are not contests or tv shows.

(25)
anon,
March 16, 2010 8:20 PM

I don't think American Idol is a good example. No one is forced to go on there and those who choose to go on there know what happens to unsuccessful contestants

(24)
PATRICE PRICE,
March 16, 2010 8:00 PM

OH NOW WAIT

I THINK ITS FUNNY TOO WATCH THEIR RETARDS!

(23)
Esther,
March 16, 2010 2:50 PM

To Maggie

Dear Maggie,
what you describe sounds to me like a lot of suffering. Do you think, it is right for you and your children to stay in your present marriage? While I don't know much about your situation, there seems to be a pattern in the men that you have been married to until now. Why do you do this to yourself? I suggest that you separate from your husband immediately, as your present situation is extremely dammaging for you and your children who probably live in constant fear of their father's outbursts. Get some help as quickly as possible (therapy) in order to learn how to move on with your life and find a man who will be kind and caring. If you make a step, G-d will guide you!

(22)
Anonymous,
March 16, 2010 1:26 PM

Reply to "what are you on about"

I'm afraid that it is Mr. Goldberg who doesn't have his facts straight: Ms. Braverman did NOT state that "American Idol (capitals mine) is not embarrassing (sic) to anyone". She was making quite the opposite point.

(21)
kevin goldberg,
March 16, 2010 4:01 AM

what are you on about

you cant say that american idol is not embarrasing to anyone - get your facts straight.

(20)
MAGGIE,
March 16, 2010 2:15 AM

I can relate to Sharon

I have also had people embarass and humilate me all my life, and it has never stoped. From my earliest memories, my mother always told me that I was not as good a person as my cousin, (her neice)
Than, later in life, 2 of my ex-husbands was very dissappointed in me cause I could not earn enough money to make them happy. "They said, "my buddies wife or girlfriend earns enough money to where he can take a day off work, and it will not hurt them" !
Now, my present husband also likes to embarras me. he not only yells at me in public, and uses the worst language, (and does not care if there are any young children near to hear it)
He throws temper tantrems, at his age of 45 !!!!
And he says all sorts of bad things about me to his fellow co-workers, and he tells ALL our personal family business to them all.!!!! There isn't anything that they don't know about us. He has caused a lot of people to lose respect for me.
He even tries to tell me to quit my hobby and interests.
In my heart, I forgive him. I can't change him. I see it as a way for him to always have something to add to the conversation at work, or to look big for himself, and try to impress the guys at work. Maybe he feels insecure for some strange reason. I have learned to ignore it all, and I know that as long as G_d loves me and sees me as an important person, than I don't need the likes of ANYONE else.

Lauren Roth,
February 27, 2015 2:02 AM

I would highly recommend going to a therapist

I would highly recommend your going to a therapist--either with or without your husband; nobody should allow a relationship they are in to continue to be one of disrespect.

(19)
shoshana,
March 16, 2010 1:55 AM

embaressing soemoen for your own pleasure

Every time I watch one of these reality shows I think why do people get pleasure out of watching people being yelled at/teased/ridiculed in front of the whole world? Why people put themselves in that situation is beyond my comprehension as well! I remember as a child being teased and it still hurts and always will. Enjoy and laugh at other people in pain is cruel and pathetic. However, it all comes down to the same reason: These people want attention, popularity etc. and this is how they are able to find it (How sad that is on their part!)

(18)
Denise,
March 15, 2010 4:26 PM

Absolutely!

Thank you! I've been saying this ever since the first show aired! I actually had the nerve to mention this in a synagogue and of course, greatly criticized for the mere suggestion. I wholeheartedly agree with you!

(17)
Elana,
March 15, 2010 3:05 PM

idol

Not true. I am one of the nicest people and I love Idol. It is a singing competition. People are there for one reason only, to compete! And in the beginning, when they go to every city and try outs...some of those people on purpose try to be odd, just to get on TV. They all know what they are going into; this is a show for goodness sakes! A show should not be able to affect your character! Fantasy, vs reality. And I love Simon the best, because he tells the truth, while the other judges try to fluff things up.

(16)
Mike,
March 15, 2010 2:38 PM

freedom of press

Maybe some of the people that feel they're being embarrassed are overly touchy and just learn to be thicker skinned. American Idol has the right to do whatever they want. I'm sure the people on the show know what they're getting themselves in to.

(15)
Josh,
March 15, 2010 12:34 PM

So true

A true and honest heart is hard to find.

(14)
Steph,
March 15, 2010 12:14 PM

Good points, but you left out so many...

There are bosses in the private sector that do the same to their employees, and you did not mention that. You really only highlighted your daughter's experience with the teacher. What about the student who embarrasses a teacher by asking if she is in "her cycle" during a difficult day? Or the student who will openly call a teacher a name - or worse? Physically assault a teacher. I'm sorry that you had this experience, and I agree with what you stated about American Idol. But I think you missed a much more important point. By "idolizing" these shows that create role models in the worst light, we are breaking the commandment of creating false idols and then worshiping them by following their every news story, tweet and blog. Thank you for the article.

(13)
Sharon Kerr,
March 15, 2010 3:43 AM

The Story of My Life..

I've had doctors, teachers and others embarass and humilate me all my life.Welcome to my world. I think that's a lot of my problem why I don't get close to anyone.

(12)
Betzalel,
March 15, 2010 2:04 AM

nice, but...

All fair points, but about the teachers, it's possible for criticism to be good. It all depends on the context.

(11)
Anonymous,
March 15, 2010 1:52 AM

Excellent article - thank you

Timely and well written article. The TV programs you listed that millions absorb, certainly do contribute to the tenor of people's sensitivity to each other - indeed the very stuff of our souls. We'd all be better off if these programs magically disappeared.
If the media won't practice self-censoring to encourage sensitivity to others for their well being, hopefully there can be a tide change to show each other respect at a grass roots level for our collective benefit.

(10)
King of Geeks,
March 15, 2010 12:44 AM

LONG OVERDUE

This article rings with truth. Inherent meanness and nastiness must be ERADICATED. Using others' misfortune and shortcomings for our own amusement is VILE. If a person knows someone with a yetzer harah for anger- and then intentionally angers that person- this is placing a stumbling block in someone's path. It's like knowing someone who just quit smoking and offering them a puff from your Marlboro.. Such an act would be pure EVIL!!! If we want to bring the Redemption faster- let's work to build up our friends and acquaintences- and stop ridiculing one another. Turn from bad and do good!

(9)
Linda,
March 15, 2010 12:28 AM

Thank you!

This is a must-read article... sadly the people who should take home the message of this article probably would never think to change their ways. It's so true that our society thrives off embarrasing and degrading others... now, with the internet, this horrible trend is now in the hands of millions of people who can spew whatever garbarge about others anonymously- if you look at Yahoo, it's horrible to see the message boards they have in which people post the most degrading insults about celebrities and others, in the open, without any oversight. I'm afraid where this trend is taking society but am hopeful that the work that AISH does and Jewish values preach offers salvation to this crisis.

(8)
ruth,
March 15, 2010 12:18 AM

how we embrace and embarrass each other

The words, embrace and embarrass, if you listen to them carefully, do ring together, though they are not words that do go together. There is a kind of bipolarity to words, as in the dual meanings we see everywhere, as cleave for example.
I have been embarrassed most by rabbis in my life, and that's because when I have gone to them, to tell them about my life, and to wish for dialogue, because I am "getting something" very deep, about language, about constant connects through synchronicity, I have been totally silenced, as if I never existed. I am a respected person and for me, it's so disrepectful to be treated in this way, and so I am saying what you are saying applies to everyone, not any one group, because even those we're supposed to hold in esteem are often acting wrongly and need to learn.
I have a lot of trouble with anyone who allows another to feel shamed for speaking out, and for reaching out, especially.
I do totally agree that nobody should do this, but I am saying it's also a lesson for those who think they are above humility and who do not listen.
We all need to behave differently in this world, and that person begging on a street corner, well that person might have a gift, that's inestimable, if you stop and talk to him or her, because we all have stories, and we're all learning something in this climb, called life.
When somebody is told they have done something wrong, that is embarrassing, well I think that person, has an ethical obligation to try to find out what they did and to rectify that error in behavior.

(7)
Rosen,
March 14, 2010 10:27 PM

another reason to avoid idolatry

Thanks for posting this article on another reason why we should avoid idolatry, as well as lashan hora/gossiping. Too bad the Torah can't seem to fully regulate the world. Are we Jews not being clear enough to the non-Jewish community?

(6)
Anonymous,
March 14, 2010 9:49 PM

Not American Idol

ok, but American Idol isn't about embarrassing people, it's actually about seeing them grow. The judges and the editors aren't looking for cutting remarks (not even Simon), the purpose is to give accurate feedback so that they understand where they stand. Yes, it's public, but it is not mean nor humiliating.

(5)
SusanE,
March 14, 2010 8:21 PM

You can't Change a Jerk.

The person that says hurtful, nasty, things is fully aware of what they are doing. They are generally the type of people who love watching shows like Idol. They feed off watching other people cower and seeing people fail. -------------------------------- No one can insult you (more than once) without your allowing him to. If someone (husband wife or stranger) puts you down in public or makes fun of you, a simple. ''" I wonder why you have pointed that out to everybody. Putting others down must make you feel more like a man."'' Or to a woman who is nasty or says disrespectful things in public to you. Especially when others are listening. It is usually a good thing to say to her, '''" Really! And aren't you a sweet, kind woman to bring that up in public?''' Sarcasm indeed, but if it is a husband speaking badly about his wife or a wife putting her husband down in public, then something needs to be said immediately. That is all it takes to stop being the doormat for those comments. If the rude person continues insulting, don't ever get into an arguement, simply leave the room. The only persons conduct you can control is your own.

(4)
Anonymous,
March 14, 2010 5:22 PM

Thank You!

Your article should be required reading. I worked for a synagogue where the Rabbi, who didn't like me, would consistently scream at me whenever he was frustrated. It was bad enough when he did it when we were alone, but he took special pleasure to be nasty to me when there was an audience-the more the better. Although initially raising my voice as he did his, I would calm down after my first outburst and walk away from him, telling him I didn't want to fight. This made him angrier and more abusive. Board members were around when he made these outbursts. Why didn't they stop him? How do we allow somebody we should look up to act this way?

(3)
Anonymous,
March 14, 2010 4:06 PM

So appropriate today

I teach Jewish Values / Ethics/Mitzvot/Midot for the bar/bat mitzvah class at a Reconstructionist synagogue. Today's lesson is on "lo leva-yesh," or "not embarrassing." How your article is for today's class topic! I have printed it to distribute to my students.

(2)
Anonymous,
March 14, 2010 2:15 PM

Very important message brought across. Yasher Koach.

When I was in sixth grade, I will never forget the humiliation I felt, when the so called teacher was announcing the grade to a Math test we had taken. While I knew I di d poorly on the test, she had the audacity to announce that I had failed. My tears were welling up, and I was to embarrased to look around the classroom, to see reactions from my fellow classmates. Because of this "brilliant" act of my teacher, I had no desire to learn Math from her, or anyone else, for that matter. As an adult, I truly regret allowing that witch to get me turned off of trying to learn Math from that point on. I hope that teacher did not do further damage to other students, with her lack of sensitivity. All I say is, what comes around, goes around.

(1)
avigayil,
March 14, 2010 10:06 AM

Hits the nail on the head

This one of the most important lessons in personal growth for our times. It's all about valuing our dignity as human beings, just like the article says. Thank you for this important piece.

I want to know about the concept of "sin" due to Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge. The Christian concept of sin revolves around the fall of the man and the "original sin." Does Judaism view it the same way?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Adam and Eve were punished according to their actions. In other words, God laid down the conditions for Adam and Eve to live in the garden, provided they would not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. However, if they were to eat from that tree they would be punished by experiencing death. (If they had not eaten from the tree, they would have remained immortal.)

This sets down the basic principle in Judaism of Reward and Punishment. Basic to this is that every person has the choice of doing good or bad. When a person chooses "good" – as defined by God – he is able to draw close to God. In other words, every individual has a chance to "gain salvation" through his own actions.

My understanding of Christianity, however, is that the Original Sin has infected all of mankind to the point where individuals are incapable of achieving salvation through their own initiative. Man is "totally depraved" and therefore his only hope of salvation is through the cross.

This belief is contrary to the teachings of Judaism. From the Torah perspective, an individual does not need to rely on anyone else to atone for them. In Judaism, sins can be "erased" altogether by sincere repentance and a firm resolution never to repeat the mistakes.

For more on this, read "Their Hollow Inheritances" by Michael Drazin – www.drazin.com

Yahrtzeit of Moses in 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), on the same day of his birth 120 years earlier. (Consequently, "May you live to 120" has become a common Jewish blessing.) Moses was born in Egypt at a time when Pharaoh had decreed that all Jewish baby boys be drowned in the Nile River. His mother set him afloat in a reed basket, where he was -- most ironically -- discovered by Pharaoh's daughter and brought to Pharaoh's palace to be raised. When Moses matured, his heart turned to aid the Jewish people; he killed an Egyptian who was beating a Jew, and he fled to Midian where he married and had two sons. God spoke to Moses at the Burning Bush, instructing him to return to Egypt and persuade Pharaoh to "let My people go." Moses led the Jews through the ten plagues, the Exodus, and the splitting of the Red Sea. Seven weeks later, the Jews arrived at Mount Sinai and received the Torah, the only time in human history that an entire nation experienced Divine revelation. Over the next 40 years, Moses led the Jews through wanderings in the desert, and supervised construction of the Tabernacle. Moses died before being allowed to enter the promised Land of Israel. He is regarded as the greatest prophet of all time.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Just before Moses' death] God said to him, "This is the Land that I promised to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob" (Deuteronomy 34:4).

The Midrash says that Moses pleaded to live long enough to be able to enter the Promised Land. He surrendered his soul only after God instructed him to enter Heaven and inform the Patriarchs that the Israelites had come to their Land and that God had indeed fulfilled His promise to give the Land of Israel to their descendants. To fulfill God's will was dearer to Moses than his craving to enter the Land.

It is only natural to cling to life, and the thought of leaving this world is depressing. However, if a person develops the attitude that he lives only in order to fulfill God's will, then life and death are no longer polar opposites, because he lives to do the will of God, and when that will requires that he leave this world, he will be equally obedient.

The seventh day of Adar is the anniversary of Moses' death. He wanted to enter the Promised Land so that he could fulfill the commandments and thereby have a new opportunity to fulfill the Divine wish. He surrendered his soul willingly when he was told that there was a special commandment for him to perform, one that could only be achieved after leaving this earth.

We refer to Moses as Rabbeinu, our teacher. He not only taught us didactically, but by means of everything he did in his life - and by his death, as well.

Today I shall...

try to dedicate my life to fulfilling the will of God, so that even when that will contradicts my personal desires, I can accept it with serenity.

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