As far as celebrity arrests for whacking off in a porn theater go, we can proudly proclaim that this generation's Pee-Wee Herman has finally arrived! Fred Willard, that guy who has appeared in several Christopher Guest movies, Anchorman, Everybody Loves Raymond, and various guest spots on TV shows including Tim & Eric, Modern Family, and The Boondocks (and the one thing he probably won't be invited back to do, voiceover work for Old Navy) was caught red-handed in a Los Angeles adult movie theater by police doing a "random walk-through." I have a question: What do police think people normally do with their penises in porn theaters on a typical Wednesday night, and do taxpayers really need to be paying for them to check? The public demands an answer.

While Mr. Willard sorts out his legal problems and the world laughs, let's compare whacking off in a porn theater to other 100 percent normal activities that probably wouldn't warrant a "random walk-through" by the police (but maybe they should).