Alright, well, what we are going to do be doing today is, we're going
to take this wall out, so we can increase the flow from the living
room into the dining room area.

Tim:

But before there is [directly into the camera] construction, there is
destruction.

Al:

And who would know more about that than you,
Tim?

Tim:

[Grunting] I love destruction, yeah. [Tim picks up the floor plan that
is taped to the wall]

Al:

Alright. Now, before you take out any wall, you want to make sure that
it's non-loadbearing.

Tim:

The simplest way to do that is check out your blueprints. [Tim shows
the plan to the camera]

Al:

Hm-m.

Tim:

We found out this wall is non-loadbearing, so we're gonna rip it out.
And the safest, quickest way is using a claw hammer. [Tim takes the
hammer from his tool belt and starts removing the wall piece by piece
by continuously smashing the hammer into it]

Heidi:

And to handle our debris, we'll be using this trash chute, [Heidi
throws two pieces of wood out of the window onto the chute] which goes
directly down to the dumpster below.

Al:

A good thing to remember, one square foot of wall equals one cubic
foot of debris. Remember that when reserving a dumpster. [Al comes back
over to Tim]

Tim:

Thank you, Humpty Dumpster. [The wall Tim is removing now already has
a hole of about ten inches in diameter in it]

Al:

Alright. Now we also have these buckets here for easy cleanup, Tim.
[Al picks up the buckets] Do you have to make such a mess?

Tim:

No, I don't have to, [Tim throws a piece of the wall onto the floor
directly in front of Al] but I want to, I really, really want to. [Tim
continues smashing the hammer into the wall, doubling the size of the
hole within a few seconds]

Heidi:

Next, we'll show you how to take out a stud. [Tim stops what he's
doing]

Tim:

Just buy me a meal baby, we'll do the town
together.

Heidi:

I don't think so, Tim.

Cut to a little later.

[The wall is almost removed, except for the wooden framing. Al is cutting
through one of the beams with a power saw]

Al:

Well uh, I'm using a reciprocating saw on these 2x4s, but it doesn't
seem to be working too well.

Tim:

[Tim comes over holding a sledge hammer] And I think the reason for
that, Al, is because these boards are hard and brittle, with maybe some
knots in them.

Al:

Hm-m.

Tim:

So that's why I'm gonna use a [Tim holds the hammer up to the camera]
30-pound sledge.

Al:

Actually, a 20-ounce hammer would do the same
thing.

Tim:

Where would the fun be in that? And I got kind of a clever idea. In
order to get a good solid grip on this, I put some of that sticky stuff
on my gloves. Same stuff the NFL players use to grab on to the ball. I
got it from my buddies down at the Lions. Thanks, guys. [Al & Heidi are
standing near the wall on the other side of the room]

Al:

Well that sticky stuff is against NFL
rules.

Tim:

Ah! I, I mean I got it from the Chicago
Bears [Tim swings the hammer back and forth a couple of times, which then slips out
of his hands and flies across the room and smashes into the opposite wall right
where Heidi and Al are. Heidi jumps. The handle is sticking out of the wall
horizontally with Tim's gloves still glued to it] Sorry. Hey. I know what I'll do next time, I'll put the sticky stuff on
my hands, put the gloves on top, and then put on another coat of the
sticky stuff. That way I'll get a firm grip. Always think safety. I'll
do it right now. [Tim rubs some of the stuff into his hands]

Al:

Well speaking of safety, it's always a good idea to keep a safe
environment by cleaning up as you go along. [Heidi tries to lift up one of the buckets with debris but can't because it's
too heavy]

Heidi:

Tim, this is really heavy.

Tim:

Don't bother, let me see it. Don't
--

Heidi:

Thanks.

Tim:

-- worry, get your hands off of there, alright, [Tim picks up the
bucket] look at this. Use your own momentum, Heidi, watch this. Swing
it back, [Tim swings it back] it'll go right out the window. Look at
this. [Tim swings the bucket forward, but owing to the "sticky stuff"
on his hands the bucket pulls him out of the window and face-down down
the trash chute right into the dumpster] Ahhhhhhhhhh!!! [Al and Heidi
look out the window to check and see if Tim is alright]

[Opening credits]

Cut to the kitchen.

[Randy is sitting at the counter writing his newspaper article. Jill is
standing behind]

Jill:

[Reading] "Genetic mutations in the second half of the 20th century"?
That's pretty ambitious for a high school newspaper article.

Randy:

Yeah well, I'm really excited about this one. I've been working on
it for two weeks. [Jill goes into the kitchen]

Jill:

Great. You know, your, uh, your commitment to [Jill starts peeling
a potato] quality comes from my side of the family.

Randy:

What makes you say that?

Jill:

"Tool Time." [Tim enters from the garage carrying his
jacket]

Tim:

Hi, honey.

Jill:

Hey.

Tim:

Hey Randy.

Randy:

Hey. [Tim hangs up his jacket]

Jill:

Guess what, I have a surprise for you. [Jill picks up an
envelope]

Tim:

[Grunting] Oh, I love surprises.

Jill:

We're being audited.

Tim:

[Grunting] I hate surprises.

Jill:

Yep. [Jill hands the envelope to Tim who opens
it]

Tim:

Nooo...

Jill:

They want all your business receipts from three years
ago.

Tim:

They do?

Jill:

Yeah.

Tim:

These guys are nosy, who do they think they
are?

Jill:

They're the IRS, they can take away your possessions, your house, our
cars...

Tim:

Uh-uh, no no no, I love my country, but no offense, they're not
touching my cars... How are we set with ammo?

Jill:

Just find the receipts, alright?

Tim:

This'll take forever.

Jill:

I know. [Jill goes back to the potatoes. Brad enters through the front
door]

Brad:

Hey everybody.

Jill:

Hi Brad.

Brad:

Well, I talked to my college advisor, and she said I needed some more
extra-curricular activities.

Tim:

Well you could help me and your Mom starting our own country. [Jill
laughs. Tim goes over to the computer]

Brad:

Well I talked to the editor of the school newspaper about writing some
articles.

Jill:

I didn't know you were interested in
writing.

Randy:

I didn't think you know how to
write.

Jill:

Randy, instead of putting your brother down for trying to expand his
horizons you could maybe help him out.

Randy:

Alright. Well first thing you want to do is come up with an idea you're
interested in writing about.

Tim:

I've got something you could write about. How a big government bullies
a little car guy, huh? [Mark enters from the front door]

Brad:

I'll, uh, think of the ideas on my
own.

Randy:

Good luck.

Brad:

Randy, haven't you learned by now that
luck has nothing to do with my success?

Randy:

What success, you live with your parents and share a bathroom with
Mark. [Mark looks at Randy]

Mark:

And you live in the basement with no windows and a laundry
chute.

Randy:

Yeah, but it's mine. All mine...

Cut to a room at school.

[Matt, Randy, Lauren & others are working on the next issue of the
paper]

Randy:

...so basically at the end of my article, I will, er, introduce
statistical data from the EPA and the DEP.

Brian:

Now will that data include the number of people who fall asleep reading
your data?

Randy:

You know Brian, I thought you'd take a bit more interest in mutations,
seeing as how you are one.

Articles on Lakeside High sports, like the locker room buzz, I was
thinking we could get workout tips from our top athletes, and I'd ask
them important questions like, "Hey yo! So what do you look for in a
babe?" So that's my idea.

Brian:

Hey, this sounds really cool.

Matt:

It, er, has some promise.

Randy:

You know Matt, if you want I can work with Brad, helping him come up
with something a bit more substantial.

Matt:

Why don't we let Brad room with his idea? Brad, have your article in
by Friday and, er, we'll see what you come up with. O.K?

Brad:

Alright. Cool, thanks.

Matt:

Yeah. [Matt leaves]

Brad:

[To Randy] Hey yo! So did you ever think I'd be ever working with you
on this newspaper?

Randy:

Hey no!

Cut to the living room.

[Jill is sitting at the table which is covered with documents. Tim enters
carrying a cardboard box]

Jill:

Tim, do you have those receipts we've talked
about?

Tim:

Got them right here, all categorized and alphabetized. [Tim opens the
box and empties it out onto the table, then sits down] Next time I'm
not letting the government off so easy. I'm gonna claim all seven
dependents.

Jill:

[Laughing] Seven?

Tim:

Three boys, four cars. [Jill laughs]

Jill:

You can't count the cars as
dependents.

Tim:

Why not? I buy them things, I feed them, I bathe them. [Brad enters
from upstairs]

Brad:

Hey everybody, guess what? They loved my idea for the
paper.

Tim:

Hey, good for you.

Jill:

Congratulations. Hey, you and Randy are gonna be the next Woodward and
Bernstein.

Tim:

Excuse me? I think Joanne Woodward married Paul Newman? [Jill
laughs]

Brad:

Is that the spaghetti sauce guy?

Tim:

Not only does he make spaghetti sauce, but salad dressing and popcorn.
And: the dude races cars.

Brad:

Now that's a talented guy. [Brad
leaves]

Jill:

[Looking over a document] This is an electrician's bill from when you
shorted out the circuits. How is that a business expense? [Tim looks
at it]

Tim:

Because I put out the fire with a Binford fire extinguisher. [Jill
throws the bill away. Randy enters through the front door]

Randy:

Hey guys.

Tim:

Hello Randy.

Jill:

Hi, we heard the news! Brad's gonna be working at the paper with
you?

Randy:

Well yeah. The editor is going to let him write, but now that real work
begins he's got to have his article in by Friday. [Brad comes down
the stairs, about ready to leave]

Brad:

Alright. See you guys, I'm going to the mall. [Brad puts on his
coat]

Randy:

Wait, shouldn't you start writing your
article?

Brad:

No, I've already done it. I did it during Spanish class and I must say,
it's muy bueno.

Randy:

You wrote an entire article in 45
minutes?

Brad:

Sí, Señor. Adiós. [Brad opens the
door]

Jill:

Hey, Brad. Do you mind if we look at the
article?

Brad:

No, go ahead. [Brad comes back again and hands Jill the
article]

Jill:

Thanks. See you.

Brad:

Alright. I'll be home before dinner. [Brad
leaves]

Jill:

[Reading the article] "Hey yo! By Brad
Taylor."

Tim:

I like the title!

Jill:

"A locker room survey shows that our varsity baseball team prefers
boxers to briefs, eight to one! The one wearing the tidy-widies
declined to comment."

Tim:

That's probably because the elastic strap is cutting his breath off,
you know. [Randy takes the article from Jill]

The problem is, Dad, that your oldest son is so stupid, he should be
writing an article called "Hey, duh!" [Randy leaves to the basement]

Brad:

[Shouting after Randy] HEY, I'M TALLER THAN YOU
TOO!

Tim:

Good comeback, Brad. [Brad heads off upstairs] Huh, well. It's good to
know they're both getting along real well at the paper. [Jill looks
through the paper which Brad left back on the counter]

Jill:

Well look. "Hey yo!" is on the front
page.

Tim:

Well, great.

Jill:

Randy's article is way back here, by the-- [Jill looks over the page
and stops by the cooking article] Look, they make Soulsberry Steak the
same way I do! Oh man, Randy must be just feeling awful about this.

Tim:

Why, because his mom cooks like a cafeteria
lady?

Jill:

No look, Brad stole the spotlight away from him. We're going to have to
help them out with this one.

Tim:

Honey, no! I grew up with four brothers, and the last thing these two
need is their parents interfering.

Jill:

Well, I know, it's probably better to let them work this out
--

Tim:

Yes, yes.

Jill:

-- on their own, but I'm their Mommy, and they're being so
mean to each other!

Tim:

Their Mommy??

Jill:

Well? Do you think they will work this out on their
own?

Tim:

Yes, yes, yes. My brothers and I fought all the time, we always worked
through it ourselves. And, and after the casts came off and, and Jeff
got used to his glass eye, we were the best of friends.

Jill:

Oh...

Cut to a little later.

[Tim and Jill are sitting at the table working on their
taxes]

Jill:

I just don't get it. Of all the people that they could have audited,
why did they have to pick us? [Mark enters from upstairs]

Tim:

I think that's pretty obvious, they go after the major
celebrities.

Mark:

Mind if I put up Brad's article on the
refrigerator?

Jill:

No, I think that's so sweet that you're so proud of him. [Mark sticks
the article on to the refrigerator]

Mark:

Actually, I'm doing it to annoy Randy. See, the more they fight, the
less they rag on me. [Brad enters]

Brad:

Do you guys know where Randy is? I need to talk to him. [Brad goes over
to the kitchen]

Tim:

Talking is good, that's a good idea. [Randy comes around the corner by
the refrigerator]

Brad:

[To Randy] Hey idiot, why didn't you tell me Samantha
called?

Randy:

Uh well, I figured she'd call you back, seeing as how you're so popular
and tall. [Mark is still in the kitchen near the refrigerator, now
standing right in the middle between Randy & Brad]

Mark:

It doesn't get any better than
this.

Randy & Brad:

SHUT UP! [Mark leaves]

Brad:

You know what my next article's gonna be? "Hey yo! Guess who'd beat the
crap out of his wimpy brother"

Randy:

Yeah, well I have a new title for your article. "Guess who'd beat the
crap put of his pea-brain brother"

Brad:

What are you trying to say?

Jill:

Tim, do something about this. I don't like
it.

Tim:

I'll handle this. [Tim turns to the kitchen] Boys! Take it outside.
[Tim turns back to the document he was reading. Jill looks at him]

Randy:

Alright, let's go.

Brad:

Alright. [Brad and Randy go into the backyard. Jill gets
up]

Jill:

Look, you go talk to one, and I'll talk to the other. [Jill goes to
the backdoor and looks outside] This is getting out of control.

It's not the flute story, O.K? Now this is a story about my mother.
She.. bought me my very first.... tuba.

Randy:

Ah, this is the flute story!

Jill:

That's a good story!

Randy:

I know, Mom, but I can't sit through it
again!

Jill:

Look, you know how much I hate it when you guys
fight.

Randy:

Well then you shouldn't be talking to me, you should be telling your
flute story to Mr. Hey Yo-Yo.

Jill:

Look, I wouldn't interfere at all if you guys would work this out the
way you're supposed to.

Randy:

What's the big deal if we don't work it
out?

Jill:

The big deal is that Brad's going away to college in a year. And you
only have so much time left, that you can hang out together. You should
take advantage of it while you got it.

Randy:

Well that would work. If we could stand the
sight of each other.

Jill:

I don't believe that's true! I don't think you do
either.

Mark:

I do.

[Randy leaves to his room]

Meanwhile in the backyard.

Tim:

What's going on with you?

Brad:

Dad, I don't want to talk about it.

Tim:

You gotta talk to me about this. Look, all brothers fight,
O.K? When I was a kid I got in a terrible fight with Uncle Steve, I, I borrowed
his '56 Chevy, without his permission, --

Brad:

Dad, what's your point?

Tim:

I drove it into Courton Lake!

Brad:

Oh man, I bet when Uncle Steve beat you up it
hurt.

Tim:

He roped me up a little bit. The point is, this fight put a big
distance between us. It really hurt our relationship.

Brad:

Well Uncle Steve is a lot bigger than you, I mean, he's got those huge
arms.

Tim:

What I'm trying to tell you is, this kind of fighting can hurt your
relationship with your brother.

Brad:

Oh yeah, I bet Uncle Steve whopped your butt, ha
ha.

Tim:

He didn't whop my butt. As a matter of fact, if he were here right now
I would whop his butt. He's bigger and softer now. I'd grab Mr.
Porkbelly by the flab [Tim starts to hit out at imaginary Uncle Steve]
and go, "Hey man, who's the kid now, huh. How about that Chevy
thing..."

Brad:

Dad!

Tim:

Hold on a minute. "I - tell - you -
what..."

Brad:

DAD!

Tim:

WHAT??

Brad:

Look, I know what you're trying to say, but if you think I'm gonna go
in there and talk to Randy you can forget about it.

Tim:

I would just hate to think that a newspaper article would come between
you and your brother.

Brad:

Yeah, why don't you go tell that to mutant
boy?

Tim:

And I don't like you calling him names
either.

Brad:

You just called Uncle Steve Mr.
Porkbelly.

Tim:

Well that's a term of affection, you know, cuz you know how I like
bacon.

Cut to the backyard, a little later.

[Randy enters with a stack of newspapers and dumps all but one into the
trash, then looks at the front page article one last time. Wilson is watching
him from behind the fence]

Wilson:

Well, hidy-ho, Taylor teen.

Randy:

Hey Wilson.

Wilson:

Shouldn't you be putting those newspapers in the recycling
bin?

Randy:

No. Thanks to "Hey yo!" this paper is definitely trash. [Randy throws
the last paper into the bin too and turns to Wilson]

Wilson:

Ohhh, I take it, you didn't like Brad's
article.

Randy:

Did you read it?

Wilson:

Yes, he gave a copy of it to me a few moments
ago.

Randy:

Surprised he didn't frame it for
you.

Wilson:

Well actually, he did. [Wilson shows Randy the framed article. Randy
climbs onto one of the garden chairs]

Randy:

You know Wilson, I've worked for two years at that paper, trying to
produce quality journalism.

Wilson:

And Brad waltzes in and steals your
thunder.

Randy:

Well it's not so much that he stole my thunder, it's just what he stole
it with.

Wilson:

Jock itch.

Randy:

You got it.

Wilson:

Randy, let me ask you something. If Brad had written a brilliant
article, would you feel any differently?

Randy:

Well I might be a bit jealous, but at least I would have respected
it.

Wilson:

You know, despite of what anyone might think of Brad's article, it
doesn't diminish the quality of yours. You know Robert Kennedy once
said, "Each time a man stands up for an ideal, he sends forth a tiny
ripple of hope."

Randy:

Wilson, I'd like to believe that, but how do I keep pouring my heart
into my writing if people are more interested in who's scratching
where?

Wilson:

You know Randy, once I was a young columnist for the Wichita Star. Then
one day I got bumped for my featured column by this hotshot named
Walter Winchill.

Randy:

Walter Winchill?

Wilson:

Oh yes, the God of Gossip, the Earl of Innuendo, the Prince of
Propaganda, the Duke of D--

Randy:

Wilson, I get it.

Wilson:

No-no-no, I've got one more. The Baron of
Baloney.

Randy:

So what were you going to say?

Wilson:

Well it was just that I was so outraged by being upstaged by Winchill,
I wanted to quit. And then suddenly I realized, if more people buy the
paper to read Winchill's column, more people are gonna read mine.

Randy:

So maybe "Hey yo!" can do for me what Winchill did for
you?

Wilson:

Absolutely. As a matter of fact, because of him the readership doubled
for my column, "Rock Beat".

Randy:

You wrote about Rock'n'Roll?

Wilson:

No no, no no no. Rocks!

Cut to school.

[Brad is working on the computer. Brian hands him some research
data]

Brian:

Here's your research, Brad.

Brad:

[Reading] "Cheerleader Jenny Morrison is doing some major padding."
[Brian nods and puts on a big smile] "A baton twirler who spoke on the
condition of anonymity has actually seen Jenny wad the tissues." No,
I'm not gonna print that.

Brian:

Why not?

Brad:

Well because this is "Hey yo!". I have
standards.

Brian:

Brad, you printed the names of the guys that don't shower after gym
class.

Brad:

Yeah, you're just mad because your name was on the list. Ha ha.
[Brian leaves. Randy enters and comes over to Brad]

Randy:

Hey, Brad.

Brad:

If you need the computer, I'm almost
off.

Randy:

Nah, that's alright. Listen, I wanted to talk to
you.

Brad:

'bout what?

Randy:

Well, I just reread your article, and, took some shots at it that
weren't fair.

Brad:

And you liked it?

Randy:

Well I thought there were some good things in it. You know I didn't
know our mascot was allergic to cats.

Brad:

Thanks.

Randy:

You know, you're kind of like a modern day Walter
Winchill.

Brad:

The donut guy? [Pause]

Randy:

O.K...

Brad:

So, um, what are you planning on writing about
next?

Randy:

You know I haven't really thought about it. Still kind of calming down
from my last article.

Brad:

Yeah, it was pretty intense.

Randy:

You actually read it??

Brad:

Yeah, I read it, I really didn't understand what I was reading, but,
I could definitely tell you're a talented writer.

Randy:

Thanks. You know, maybe one day we can combine our talents and write
something together. "Hey yo! Did you see what Ralph Nader wore to the
latest EPA conference?"

Brad:

Or if he's got jock itch, we've got a
story!

Cut to the living room.

[Tim & Jill are on the couch. Tim is reading a
magazine]

Jill:

This auditor is in for a big surprise. After adding together all the
receipts from three years ago, we overpaid our taxes. We are gonna get
a refund.

Tim:

Hello, speed boat.

Jill:

Three dollars, and seventeen cents.

Tim:

Hello, sun block.

Jill:

Yeah... You know, as long as we're in this tax mood, I think we should
finish this year's taxes and mail 'em in early.

Tim:

Why would we want to do that?

Jill:

Because every year we wait until what, five minutes before midnight
on, on April 15th, and then you get into the car and drive a
hundred and fifty miles an hour, your heart pounding, your face
drenched with sweat.

Tim:

Please don't take that away from me.

CREDITS

[Outtakes]

Cut to the project house.

Heidi:

Welcome back to "Tool Time" on location. [Tim and Al are standing
by the window. Al salutes]

The contents of this site, and communications between this site and its users,
are protected by database right, copyright, confidentiality and the right not to
be intercepted conferred by section 1(3) of the Regulation of Investigatory
Powers Act 2000. The use of those contents and communications by Internet
Service Providers or others to profile or classify users of this site for
advertising or other purposes is strictly forbidden.