The haphazard dating life of a haphazard thirty year old mormon attorney

Friday, August 20, 2010

The Situation

MrShit and I have talked on the phone a few times and messaged a number of times. She flew to Hong Kong early this morning for her study abroad. Meeting and hanging out with MrShit has reminded me that it is possible for me to meet someone and fall in love. It also reminded me that I will know it when it happens. Maybe for some people love is just being there. Just showing up. But it isn't that way for me. I require more than that. I require a legitimate emotional connection. I have had it happen enough times to recognize it's presence or lack thereof. Every time it happens, I question whether it will happen again. It may never happen again but as many readers have suggested, it is nonsensical for me to marry someone that I don't feel that spark with.

I am not saying things would or even could work out with MrShit. Right now she lives thousands upon thousands of miles away. We have different goals in life. Maybe something will come from it over time. Maybe not. But I am saying that I would rather spend my life lonely than compromise and marry someone without that spark. It would end in divorce. And if I think I am broken and lonely now, I can't imagine how it will feel to go through a divorce.

House came over on Wednesday night and we watched more Band of Brothers. We get along well. I don't know if she is frustrated that the relationship doesn't seem to be progressing. I guess I kind of am frustrated with it. I texted Pot about going out this weekend but she is busy. I think I will try one more date with her. I think she is cool but I don't know how high of a priority I am for her and she certainly isn't a super high priority for me.

Other notes: A girl named Conrad called me the other day to ask me to go to a concert with her. I had already made plans so I had to decline but I may end up taking her out.

8 comments:

Have you ever read the book "How to avoid falling in love with a jerk?" It's NOT a book for women. It's actually a book written by the guy who invented the idea of love as an element of psychology and some of his theories/ideas are the basis of many "Psychology of Love" classes at major universities (like the U).

Buy it and read it. :) I think it would be useful to you - and help you realize what's most important in looking for someone (besides that spark.) :)

Tripp,you need to do some research, that "emotional connection" you place so much stock in, only lasts for at most 2 years in any relationship. Then other attributes ( shared interests, personality, kindness, communication) become the important things. Listen to your parents.

So you are saying that I should put no stock in the "emotional connection" when selecting a spouse? Is it strictly a business relationship? I understand that some of that stuff dies down after a few years. But, if I do some research what will I find? That my parents are right and I should marry someone I am not in love with? I think that is a pretty bold statement to make.

Perhaps love is like building a fire. If you don't first create a small spark and nourish it, then all your preparation for the fire will go wasted (i.e., if the fire never starts, whether you use a log cabin structure or a teepee structure or a haphazard bunch of wood is unimportant because the fire never starts). Likewise, just getting a spark does not provide any real warmth if you don't have a structure there to nourish the spark and create an actual fire. Some people try to start a fire by lighting newspaper. It burns fast and hot and then dies. I am not saying that is what I want. I just don't want to spend my whole life building a fire with dry wood and having no flame. I agree those other attributes are important (shared interests, personality, kindness, communication) but are you really suggesting I marry someone for those things and not for love?

What is your definition of love? Is it some "feeling" that is impossible to describe? Some emotion that fades like all emotions do? Or does love grow out of shared interests, a willingness to work together, kindness, communication, a shared purpose? Is love mutual comitment, work, and compassion, or is it only a desire to be physically close to someone? I like your fire analogy, and I agree with it. I guess what I see in your posts is that you are primarily looking for the spark, and ignoring the structure . I remember a story a BYU prof told about how he decided to marry his wife. As he tells it, she was a good , kind girl, but he wasn't really attracted to her, so he decided to pray about it. As he was dropping her off after a date, she suddenly became beatiful, attractive to him and he told her "Pucker up Mary, here I come". They got married and he was happy. That was many years ago, so I don't know the true ending. I've just seen too many people get married based on emotion or whatever you want to call it, and the outcome is usually bad. Especially so if kids are involved. My feeling is once you have kids, your needs are secondary. If MrShit and House changed bodies, who would you be interested in? Who would be a better mother to your children, in 10 years, who will remember your favorite desert on your birthday? Best of luck to you. You’re a smart guy, you’ll figure it out.

Any ideas who wrote the previous post? They got it right on! Everything I was thinking has already been said. I definitely think you need to pray about it. I think you should spend some time at the temple, fasting and praying and see how you feel towards each girl after that.