‘Portlandia’s’ Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein Just Schooled Us on How to Drink Coffee

Is it just me, or does it seem like we’re being told we’re eating or drinking something else wrong every other day? I don’t know how we’re supposed to keep track of it all, but at least the latest set of instructions are as funny as they are informative: According to Portlandia stars Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, we’ve all been drinking coffee wrong for our entire lives. And lucky us, we’ve got them on hand to straighten us out. Gently, of course.

The video below comes to us from the Cooking Channel’s series “You’re Eating It Wrong.” In it, Armisen and Brownstein pass along their sage advice to host Dan Pashman straight from the source itself: Portland, OR’s Oblique Coffee Roasters. Admittedly, I do not watch Portlandia, so it’s possible that there are a few jokes present here that are going right over my head; I’ve also never been to Portland, sooooo… there’s that. Sorry, Portland. I'll get there one day. I promise.

But hey, who’s counting? The video is super tongue-in-cheek, so you can either take it at face value or as an enormous joke, depending on which appeals to you more. Ready? Here we go:

Ordering Coffee Is a Serious Business

“There’s a certain amount of composure you should have,” says Brownstein. “You have to go in with the graveness and seriousness of a court date… of a wedding… of a funeral.” Generally I think of coffee breaks as a celebratory time, but I guess I’m wrong.

Respect the Barista’s Expertise

Armisen, meanwhile, suggests approaching your barista the way you would approach a car mechanic. They probably know more than you do about the subject at hand, which might be a little intimidating; you can, however, put your trust in their professional knowledge. Annoying questions are a no-no. “Keep it short and keep it serious,” he says.

Tipping Should Be Magical

According to Armisen, “A good way to leave a tip in the tip jar is to make it appear as if it just… got in there on its own.” If you are like me and never got your Hogwarts letter, this might be a little difficult; but, as Brownstein notes, tipping is not about giving credit to yourself for a good deed, soooooo… figure it out. Or something.

Concerning Latte Art:

Admire it… but also ignore it a little. Don’t do what Armisen is doing here, which is looking into your cup, astonished, while going “WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOA!” at the top of your lungs.

The Portlandia stars also deal with what to do once you’ve actually got your coffee, including how to deal with electronics and how to carry out an appropriate coffee shop conversation with a friend… but I really suggest you watch the video to see it. It’s like a miniature master class in acting for the camera, but better. Because, I mean… coffee. Check it out here, and while you’re at it, why not have your next cup with Amy Schumer?