Volume 2 #20 (May 19-25, 1999)

From the Editor: Speed junkie

I finally have to admit that I have a problem. For a long time,
I thought, "Hey, I can stop whenever I want to," and, "Everybody does it."

But after over a decade of fast times, and having just received yet
another speeding ticket, I have come to the realization that I am a
Speed Junkie. Not the pill; the miles-per-hour.

You can keep your powder and your needles. Give me a gas pedal any day.
Oh yeah, I love it.

I've tried to stop. What's ironic is I'm more dangerous when I'm not
speeding, because I have to keep my eyes glued to the speedometer instead
of the road. As soon as I look somewhere else, my foot sneaks down without
telling me, and I'm ten or fifteen over again. (OK, maybe twenty, on a
clear day and an open road.)

I don't know what the big deal about speed limits is anyway. Research
shows that it's not speed, but speed differences between cars, that matters
most. In other words, people driving slow in the fast lane are not only
idiots, they're dangerous. I'd love to put those people on the German
Autobahn for ten minutes. They'd get creamed. Driving tip: if you're not
passing, stick to the right.

Getting a ticket is pretty embarrassing. It says, "Hey, I'm not paying
attention." In my defense, it was a flat-top Gulf Breezer, and he was
behind me on the three-mile bridge at night. Still, I feel like I have failed
as a speeder.

Evading traffic cops is like being a wildebeest in the Serengeti. The
lions are going to have dinner. You just hope it's someone else. When those
lights flip on behind you, you know how the wildebeest feels when it
realizes its guard was down at the wrong time. At least Gulf Breeze cops
are well-fed.

This is actually my first Gulf Breeze ticket. I feel like I've joined a
club. Like next week, in addition to fliers from fifty traffic schools eager
to help me in my time of need, I'm going to receive the Purple Heart of
Speeding from the Veterans of Gulf Breeze Tickets.

It is definitely time to invest in another radar detector. I had one for
a while, and it helped. But one day it fried and quit working, and I've been
too broke to replace it. Of course, now I'm even more broke for having to
pay another ticket, but maybe I could hock something. Like my gas pedal.