An Open Letter to Justin Bieber on Condom Use

I know you have plenty of caring adults in your life and you've managed to avoid a lot of the pitfalls of fame. So congratulations on not becoming a junkie, crashing your car through a storefront, or having your first beer and then spontaneously marrying Lindsay Lohan.

I'm not here to discuss her part in this drama, even though she's three years older than you and is suddenly no doubt very conversant with the phrase "statutory rape."

My concern today is a delicate one. I know how hard it is for parents to have "the talk" with a post-pubescent child, so I feel that it's my duty to explain something extremely important to you.

First of all, you need to make sure that the condom you're using is fresh.

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Don't use a condom that's been flattened in someone's wallet for the last three years; go to the drugstore and get your own. Buying your own condom is the only way to know for sure that no one's put a pinprick hole in it. Oh, yeah. People do stuff like that. It's called "entrapment" and this won't be the first time someone tries it on you.

If you're embarrassed to buy your own condoms, or afraid someone you know will see you, drive to the next county over. Well, in your case, maybe the next country over. You know what, that's not going to work either, you're just too well known.

How about this: get a post office box using your middle name, buy some condoms over the Internet, and have the condoms shipped to the P.O. box.

But which condoms do you choose? That is a personal decision, Justin, and not one I can make for you. There are so many options out there. My advice is, until you become more experienced, keep it simple. Colors and flavors may be a nice ice breaker, but you seem like a guy who wants to wait for someone special to come along, so my guess is by the time you're in the heat of the moment, you're just going to want a condom that's easy to get on and does the job. You don't need one that plays "Billie Jean" and smells like a chocolate chip cookie.

Next, you want to practice putting them on. That should be fun! Before you start wasting any condoms (I know you're rich, but they can get expensive), try ripping open a few tea bag sleeves with your teeth first. I recommend chamomile -- you don't want to get too jittery at this point! When that tearing action starts to feel natural, move on to the condoms.

When you're ready for the next stage, take the condom out of its sleeve and center it over the tip of a banana, Italian squash, or fully-cooked and cooled bratwurst, and then roll it completely down. If you feel embarrassed and are afraid you won't even get this far, and that someone in the grocery store will think you're buying fruit, vegetables, and sausage to have sex with, don't worry! Most people will simply think you're an adventurous eater.

I know that condoms aren't 100 percent effective at preventing pregnancy or STDs, but apart from total abstinence, they're your best bet right now.