Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT TOPICS OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DID YOU KNOW THAT THEY LEGALIZED MARIJUANA IN WASHINGTON AND COLORADO LAST YEAR?

Herm: OF COURSE I DO, THOSE ARE AFC WEST STATES. AND I COACHED IN THE AFC WEST.

Jon: YOU KNOW I’M AN AFC WEST GUY TOO. GLAD THEY ONLY LEGALIZED IT AFTER I STOPPED COACHING. PLAYERS GOTTA WATCH TAPE AND IF THEY’RE SMOKING DOPE THEN THEY’LL WATCH AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE INSTEAD. ANYWAY, OUR GUEST TODAY IS DR. DALE GIERINGER, WHO’S A BOARD MEMBER AT NORML. DALE, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

Dale: Pleasure to be here.

Jon: DALE, THIS DRUG WAR, I CALL IT THE WING-T OFFENSE BECAUSE IT’S OBSOLETE.

Dale: I agree completely, Jon.

Jon: YOU NEED TO GO TO THE COMPETITION COMMITTEE AND ASK FOR A RULE CHANGE. FOR THE GOOD OF THE GAME.

Herm: WHEN THE RULES AIN’T WORKING YOU GOTTA ASK JEFF FISHER TO CHANGE THEM.

Dale: Well, unlike the NFL, it’s a bit more difficult. We’ve found that state initiatives are the best way to advance legalization.

Jon: TOO BAD THAT VIOLATES FEDERAL LAW. NOW WE HAVE SOME AMAZING FEDERALISM ACTION. YOU GOT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ON ONE SIDE, THE STATES AND THE TENTH AMENDMENT ON THE OTHER. NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL A RIVALRY!

Herm: STATES AND THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ARE LIKE THE FALCONS AND SAINTS.

Jon: LEMME TELL YA, ONE OF THE WORST THINGS ABOUT COACHING IN TAMPA IS YOU DON’T HAVE A NATURAL RIVAL. WHO WAS I SUPPOSED TO HATE? THE PANTHERS? JOHN FOX IS A BORING OLD FART.

Dale: I’m not sure where you’re going with this.

Jon: I BET JOHN FOX DOESN’T WANT TO LEGALIZE POT. BUT I’M ALL FOR IT. YOU CAN’T PACK A BOWL WITHOUT YOUR GRUDEN GRINDER!

Herm: YOU NEED TO GRIND YOUR WEED IF YOU’RE GOING TO SMOKE IT.

Dale: You’re right, but I’m not sure what this has to do with the legalization battle.

Jon: YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT A BATTLE? HOW ABOUT THE GIANTS AND THE EAGLES. THOSE GUYS HATE EACH OTHER. HERM, YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT FIRSTHAND.

Jon: DALE, LEMME TELL YA, MARIJUANA LEGALIZATION IS A LOT LIKE FOOTBALL. THE AVERAGE JOE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND HOW IT WORKS SO YOU GOTTA BREAK DOWN THE TAPE TO SHOW HIM HOW THE BLUE RIGHT 34 COUNTER PLAY WORKS. YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR MESSAGE, AND ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE A PH.D AND A GRUDEN GRINDER.

Dale: Thank you, I think?

Jon: ANYWAY, DALE, IT’S BEEN GREAT HAVING YOU BUT THAT’S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE ON GRUDEN TALK FOR TODAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, YOU’RE HIGH RIGHT NOW AREN’T YOU?

Herm: I SMOKED THE FERN PLANT IN THE DRESSING ROOM BEFORE THE SHOW BUT IT DIDN’T GET ME HIGH

Gruden would be one of those rare types who would get even more aggressive and hyperactive if he got stoned:

THE KEY TO GETTING HIGH IS CHINESE FOOD. JADE GARDEN’S DELIVERYMAN SCOTT CHEN BRINGS THE #3 PU PU PLATTER IN A DEADLY COMBINATION THAT SETS THE TONE FOR THE #9 SESAME CHICKEN TO SEAL THE DEAL. PUT ON “CADDY SHACK” AND YOU’VE GOT A 1-2-3 PUNCH OF MURRAY-DANGERFIELD-TED KNIGHT THAT’LL BRING ON ANOTHER SUPER BOWL. I’M STILL NOT SOLD ON CHEVY CHASE, THOUGH.

“The National Commission on Marijuana and Drug Abuse (a.k.a. “the Shafer Commission”), appointed by then-President Richard Nixon, formally made its recommendation on March 22, 1972.

“Neither the marihuana user nor the drug itself can be said to constitute a danger to public safety,” concluded the report’s authors, led by then-Gov. Raymond Shafer of Pennsylvania. “Therefore, the Commission recommends … [the] possession of marijuana for personal use no longer be an offense, [and that the] casual distribution of small amounts of marihuana for no remuneration, or insignificant remuneration no longer be an offense.”

Despite the commission’s recommendations, Nixon and Congress ignored the report. Since then, more than 13.2 million Americans have been arrested on marijuana charges, including some 735,000 in 2000 – the last year for which federal data is available.”

This report is dated March 21, 2002 on the 30th anniversary of the Shafer Commission’s decision.