What started the thinking…

Life isn’t always easy, is it? The past few months have been hectic to say the least. I have been tested in my faith. And my expectations have skewed my view of reality.

While on vacation I listened to God. The Holy Spirit has been working this whole time, but I was too busy and worried to hear. And now I am listening.

Here’s the beginning of a life long process of understanding God. With that a fragment of a conversation, that sometimes dips into wrestling, between God and me.

And He speaks to me: “If you love me then serve me. Don’t serve me to get something out of it, expecting to earn favour or salvation. Don’t serve me out of duty or some righteous moral obligation. Serve me because you love me. Because I first loved you. And about my love…The scope of how I love you is bigger than you can even grasp. I sent my Son to die for you because I love you. And I will always love you. You are my child.And to Him I say: “I have been serving you…but listen, I gave everything over to You. But I am unsure of the future. I feel like you have abandoned me. I have served you day and night. I moved continents. And what am I getting in return? Suffering dis-contentment, feeling burnt out… and why? Because I am doing what you have asked of me! It shouldn’t be this hard!”And He says, “when did I say it would be easy? I told you, my child, that I would equip you, that I would be your Portion, that I would provide for your needs. I have done everything I have promised. I know your future, and I will give you your desires – desire Me first.”I respond: “You are my desire.” And He replies: “Then I have given you Me. Do you think that you can earn your righteousness? Do you think that you will ever live up to perfection? No! And I still love you. I loved you when you were in the pit. I know all about you. I designed you. I knit you together in your mother’s womb. I know your thoughts. I still have plans for you.And about your future… oh, my child, the things that you will do for me, if you would just do them for ME… and not for yourself.”

I wrote this post a few weeks ago and it has been sitting, waiting for me to be ready to share it. Sometimes its hard being this vulnerable. But let’s be real – the more honest and vulnerable I am – the more open I am to God working in me.

Have you been listening to the Holy Spirit lately? What is God teaching you?