Next Time, At Least Bring Wine

At a Glance

It promts, "Tell people a little about yourself." Cards on the table...I have Bipolar...in spades! I also have this cat I love. An orange tabby named Richard Parker (lifted from the novel and movie "Life of Pi.") I mention him first because he loves me, and I love him with an unconditional love. He is wonderful therapy, and often knows what is going on with me before I do. I have a beautiful son, and a husband who is a minister, currently serving as a chaplain for a hospice organization. I'm into this adult coloring. I am always reading. Novels, comics, magazine articles, devotionals and the Bible. I listen to books as well. I love my Kindle Fire. I'm a caretaker for my mom. That one is a long story that will unfold here. I adore song birds and beautiful colored birds. I love zoos and aquariums. Museums, too. However, I have many physical issues holding me back now. That story will be another that unfolds. I love water. So glad I live near a river. Oceans, waterfalls, rain, and I even visited Niagara Falls, flying overhead in a helicopter. I did the latter with a dear friend who I eventually ended up losing because of a crappy manic spell, during which I was apparently a crummy person and friend. That has happened a lot. I think I'm getting better about that because I'm opening up more. I'm working on becoming more vulnerable, transparent and real. This has scared people off, but the ones who stay around, those lovlies have been solid friendships for years.
"Tell people a little about yourself" it prompts. There isn't anything little about me. Even when I was a kid, young, "little" girl, so much lurking, menacing. I think I've been Bipolar forever. I wasn't diagnosed until 2004, however. This was after a terrible manic, psychotic breakdown. In front of my husband. In front of my three year old son. In all of my life, I'll never know what that did to them.
This blog will have two authors. Hopefully three. Depressed, Hypo/Manic. And the third is the self who tries to remain stable, level and walking the line. I hope to share something that might help someone. I look forward to talking with folks, if they so wish. I want people to become educated. I've got a lot I want to do, and I'm sure this will become more and more tailored.
Thanks if you decide to join me in the this journey. Let's survive both the fear and excitement of the BP Roller Coaster.

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Trying but Still Yuck

Nothing much different from yesterday. I’m trying to follow the check-off list of stuff that keeps me going and eventually helps me feel better. I feel like a fraud right now, though. I don’t feel better. In fact, I’m mad I have to follow a stupid to-do list in order to feel okay. I wish Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety and all their best friends would manifest themselves into a person, vile and grotesque as it would be. Then, I would like to beat said horrendous figure until it breathes no more.

For now though, here’s my pic of today. Going to try to post a pic of what I look like and what’s going on with each blog. I think it’s important there be a visual.

8/30/17 Me Today ~ notice I am still in the same shirt as yesterday’s photo/blog. That’s a vulnerable point I’ve just shared with you, but this is a truth of mine when battling mental illness. Personal grooming can become a war within yourself – I want to do it, of course, but I feel I don’t have the energy. Too fatigued.

Also, things are getting behind, such as household chores. I’m managing to keep up with bill payments, errands outside of the house, and helping my mom get her shower today. After that, my mental and physical reserves are gone, vanished and out of sight.

Pictures of my dresser where things are just landing for now, and unorganized bathroonm vanity ~

The thing I’m going to try in my bag of goodies is color, but I am not looking forward to being creative, it feels forced. Yet, I know from my history, I have to “fake it till I make it.”

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4 thoughts on “Trying but Still Yuck”

Love you Jen Curry!! I pray each day for you to remain strong through it all. You can make it!! I know its easy for me to say on this side of things, right? I don’t want to pretend to know what you’re going through. I just want to encourage you to stay strong and know you are loved, just the way you are, the way He made you. 💖

I soooo know and can relate to what you are saying Jen. In my up and down bipolar life I have gone 7-10 days I’ll bet without a shower. It maybe stretching it, however I know I’ve gone a several days in the same clothes. I know many folks with bipolar disorder who dread showering during depressive episodes.
Since my manic/psychotic episode in 2016, I’ve been dealing with ups and downs as we struggle to get my meds right and stress levels lowered.

Jen, have you forgotten the massive amounts of stress you’ve dealt with lately? Your personal stress added to watching the folks in your state struggling to survive Harvey’s wrath. I think you are amazing. Your blog is courageous and inspiring. That you add selfies so much is something that I wish I could get comfortable doing. I’ve gained 40+ pounds in about nine months and hate seeing photos of me, though your comments on some post about how loved ones appreciate seeing photos of you, in all kinds of activities and that we should take the photos while we can.

I’m praying for you this morning Jen. I know though, as your rational brain knows, that all bad times of this damned disorder will pass. You will feel happy and see joy in life’s little things, like music, audiobooks, Morning Glories, deer families and butterflies. Until then, color, write or do whatever you can, to hold on until the pendulum swings up again, because you know it will.