11 Things to Do Aboard the S.S. Coachella, Which, God Help Us, Is a Real Thing

It’s come to the Internet’s attention that Coachella is bringing their highly regarded festival to the high seas. Over two sets of dates in December, the S.S. Coachella will set sail for the Caribbean aboard a 1,000-foot cruise ship, Celebrity’s Silhouette, for a floating micro version of their annual summer sprawl. Though, honestly, the bill hasn’t scaled down that much in quality of talent, considering Pulp has signed on to headline both trips with Hot Chip, Yeasayer, Girl Talk, El-P, Sleigh Bells, Cloud Nothings, Grimes, Father John Misty, Warpaint and others joining. Will everyone on board refer to Jarvis Cocker as Captain Cocker the whole time? We sure hope so.

Keeping with Coachella’s affection for catering towards a “higher end” clientele, passengers can expect DJ sets by James Murphy and The Rapture, a wine tasting hosted by Mr. Murphy, and such ship amenities as cabana-style alcoves and an half-acre grass lawn that magically makes a ship deck look a lot like Indio. How much will a weekend in indie-rock paradise set you back? Anywhere between $500 and $9,000 per person, plus the cost of bar tabs and travel to/from Fort Lauderdale, where the voyages begin and end. The important questions, though: Will Drew Barrymore be there? How many bathing suits should you pack to impress her? Will there be a variety of hummus and ample organic vegetables provided at every dining opportunity? What’s on the agenda for daily activities? Well, for that, we have a few suggestions: