DDA

In response to the national hubbub over Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson’s ‘anti-gay’ remarks that have paralyzed mainstream news outlets’ front pages nationwide, exiled and long forgotten cultural philosopher Hubert Humdinger offered a rare personal story from his past. I read a few snippets to him about the reality TV celebrity’s words from an upcoming GQ feature. It was after this section that the stuffy old thinker stopped me:

Robertson added in the interview, “It seems like, to me, a vagina — as a man — would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.” (source)

Humdinger coughed deeply and then said, “I was twenty-three a long, long time ago. I was a medical student. I thought I wanted to be a doctor before I realized Western medicine was a sham manipulated by a few billionaires to hide the real healing power found in nutrition, proper breathing, and exercise. You can’t help people by dropping bottles of pills in their hands. Anyway, as I saw patients through the university’s medical program, there was only one experience I never got used to.”

The stalwart philosopher, who is known to do leg lifts and power squats while he eats his dinner, continued to say, “I got used to runny noses, mucus, bad breath, warts, skin conditions, and blood, but the one thing I never did get comfortable with was sticking my finger up another human’s bum.” At this point, Hubert Humdinger shook his head. His eyes were far off. Our Skype connection was shaky.

“I would always make a face,” he said, “because of the natural discomfort of worming my way into that orifice. Unpleasant for me. Unpleasant for the man on the table. If I was lucky,” he said, “only a little gas would dribble out. If it was a bad day, there would be more than air. No matter what, that damn finger would always come out filthy.”

Humdinger fixed his piercing eyes into mine. “Now can you imagine pushing into that hole something of yours bigger than a finger?”

I didn’t answer. Humdinger broke into wheezing laughter. He coughed and chuckled.

Phil Robertson has been suspended from one of TV’s most popular reality shows. Nearly one million fans and Christian conservatives have ‘liked’ a Facebook page dedicated to boycotting A&E for Robertson’s suspension. The Duck Dynasty celebrity also made controversial statements about black rights, but they have, so far, seen less backlash than his remarks about homosexuality.

1 Comment

Ducky Demise. Ah…would that Megyn Fox in her Santa Gate milked the facts a little more and shared a knowledge of Black Santa’s penchant for young boys, perhaps we could have gotten Humdinger to grace us with a longer, rarer insight. Welp, momma always said, “you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.”