SAGAL: Thank you everybody. Very excited to be here, especially because of our guest today, Ms. Martha Stewart is going to be here.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yes, we're excited, too. We hope that she can help us all prepare for the holidays, and cope with the aftermath of this week's election. Depending on your feelings about it, if your side won, you can make a celebratory collage out of your used lawn signs.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: If you lost, you can make a yummy, powerful cocktail out of your own tears. Everybody wins.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But first, if your turn to register your opinion with us, give us a call, the number is 1-888-Wait Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

DENISE ESTFAN: Hi, Peter. This is Denise in Phoenix, Arizona.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Phoenix?

ESTFAN: Warm.

SAGAL: Yes, that's what we would expect from Phoenix.

(LAUGHTER)

ESTFAN: Yeah, yeah, I think we're expecting a cold spur to come in, in the next couple of days.

SAGAL: And a humorist and author whose newest book is "Holidays in Heck," Mr. P. J. O'Rourke.

P. J. O'ROURKE: Hello, Denise.

ESTFAN: Hello.

(APPLAUSE)

O'ROURKE: How you doing?

SAGAL: Denise, you're going to start us off with Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell, of course, will recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize: Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine. You ready to play?

ESTFAN: Yes, I am.

SAGAL: All right, here is your first quote.

KASELL: "I will say that for now one dog's probably enough."

SAGAL: That was somebody maybe disappointing his daughters on election night. Who was it?

ESTFAN: Barack Obama.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed, President Obama.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: By smuggling in millions of African Americans, Latinos, women, and urban liberals into the country 20 to 50 years ago, and arranging for them to grow up, have families and vote, Barack Obama stole yet another election.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So, were you guys surprised by the election?

BODDEN: I was - I exhaled.

SAGAL: Really?

BODDEN: Yeah.

SAGAL: How long exactly had you been holding your breath?

BODDEN: Oh, for a couple of days. I think the first debate was when I first got a little nervous. Then Barack when home and I just think Michelle gave him a good talking to.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I think Michelle was like, "Look, I decorated this house. I ain't moving."

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

O'ROURKE: I wasn't happy but I wasn't surprised. You know, it was the dog on the roof, I think really.

SAGAL: Really, ultimately.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Yeah. Americans love dogs. If he'd put one of his sons on the roof, like we've all been tempted to do that with our kids.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, on the other side, so the GOP, the GOP is sort of dealing with this loss. They're trying to figure out what went wrong and what they should do next time. And the obvious solution is to run someone the complete 180 degree opposite of Mitt Romney. And Mitt Romney said, "That's something I can do."

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

ROBERTS: Can't you just let him rest in peace?

BODDEN: Oh no.

SAGAL: This is our last chance.

ROBERTS: Let him go retire, be a good husband. He's a good dad. He's a good grandfather.

SAGAL: Did you...

O'ROURKE: He was a lousy candidate.

SAGAL: But other than that...

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: It was like Bob Dole without the sparkle.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Yeah, how upset do you get when you say, OK, now I just have to go back to doing nothing with a few hundred million dollars.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: I mean, what do you complain, be like what's so bad?

O'ROURKE: He can't have a drink, that's what's so bad.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You know what's going to happen though...

O'ROURKE: Why I never got Romney in the first place was how can you be a Republican and not have a drink?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know what's going to happen...

O'ROURKE: Do you people know what the world looks like to Republicans?

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: I need a drink right now.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, very good, here is your next quote.

KASELL: "Guys, if things don't go your way tonight, don't go out there looking like someone ran over your dog."

SAGAL: That was the boss of one particular network, warning his staffers to try and look fair and balanced on Tuesday. What was the network?

ESTFAN: Oh, the Fox News.

SAGAL: Yes, Fox News, of course.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Very good. Yeah, election night is like the Super Bowl, but everybody gets to cover it. So, all the networks do what they can to gimmick up their broadcast and stand out from the rest. NBC - and they did this - they took the rink at Rockefeller Center and they painted the map of the U.S. on it, and then they'd color in the states as the returns came in. Did you see this? It was great to see Chris Matthews come out and do a triple sow cow on Missouri.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ABC didn't have any special effects; instead, their gimmick was Drunk Diane Sawyer.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

ROBERTS: I'm sorry to interrupt on that, but do we think she was really drunk?

SAGAL: Well, it's hard to say. She was sort of giddy, and laughing and odd places. She was slurring her words. She talked about President Barack Orama.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Obama. But, the network with the best special effects was Fox News. In the middle of the coverage, they brought out this really great 3-D hologram of Karl Rove and then made his head explode.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh no, wait, that was actually Karl Rove.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Did you see this? Fox News called Ohio, and thus the presidency, for Barack Obama. And Rove was like, "No, it's not true. It's not true. It's not true. It's too early." So, Megyn Kelly got up, and walked on camera down the hall to Fox News political desk. It was weird to see Megyn Kelly get up and walk. It turns out she has legs. Who knew? We've never seen them before. Brian Williams did the same thing. It was exciting to learn he had a prehensile tail. You never know.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: Have they called Florida yet? I don't think they have, have they? Sometime by December?

SAGAL: Actually, the Romney campaign conceded Florida on Thursday.

ROBERTS: They did?

SAGAL: So we can assume that the votes will go to Obama and his total.

BODDEN: At what point do we just tell Florida you're not allowed to vote?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You're done.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Look at the map and just remove it from the body of politic, sort of circumcise America.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Just cut it off.

O'ROURKE: They really don't have it figured out, do they? They're in there, in the booth trying to order the Early Bird Special at Denny's.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last quote. It's from Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper.

KASELL: Don't break out your Cheetos or Goldfish too quickly,

SAGAL: Governor Hickenlooper was talking about the vote that made what legal in his state?

ESTFAN: Recreational marijuana.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed, recreational marijuana. Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Two states, Colorado and Washington State, made recreational use of pot legal, after already making it legal for medical purposes. This is a huge advance, because no longer will people have to go through the trouble of licking people with back pain just to get a contact high.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It turns out - who knew - legalizing recreational pot is the best way to instantly cure an entire state's population of glaucoma.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I can see, yelled everybody. They accomplished this through a historically high percentage of voter turnout in 2012, so it's weird they voted in something that guarantees a zero percent voter turnout in 2016.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Buy Mallomar stock.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: My question would be what's the difference between recreational marijuana and professional marijuana?

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: At what point did they have to draw that line and say, all right, the recreational is OK, but you pros just slow it down.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I'm looking for the first commercials for marijuana and once it's legal completely, like Miller Lite Pot. They'll be like, it tastes great. What does?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I don't remember.

O'ROURKE: Everything tastes great.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: How much money do you think 7-Eleven threw into that legalize marijuana...

SAGAL: Oh, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: They're going to put the pot at the back of the store so you have to walk through the Cheeto aisle to get back to the cash register.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Denise do on our quiz?

KASELL: Denise, you're a winner. You had three correct answers, so I'll be doing the message on your voicemail or answering machine.

ESTFAN: Oh, that's great.

SAGAL: Well done.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing, Denise.

ESTFAN: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright National Public Radio.