Just A Girl

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Tension. Tension. Tension.

Trust nobody but yourself. Semua tak boleh harap simpan rahsia. Rimas arr! They say you'll feel better once you let it out, and talk to someone about your problems. But what the hell is the point of letting it out when in the end you tak boleh duduk tenteram. Because now that friend tells another friend. Arghhhhhh! Sumpah rimas gila.

Second. Never trust a guy either. Any. Semua penipu besar I gila RIMAS. Semua break promises. Semua janji kosong. Semua say they will never hurt you but they do. FUCK OFF LA. I don't fucking want any of you. Next time jangan harap arr I akan layan. You know what, screw being friends pon. You hurt me like crazy and you boleh buat macam takda apa je. You boleh buat macam you tak buat salah? Thats why I'm so pissed. Because you boleh buat tak tau. Guys are all jerks. Seriously. The whole lot of them. Fuck off la. Fuck the HELL off. You screwed up everything for me.

Kawan-kawan plak sama je. Klau orang bitch, then no one has a problem with it plak. Semua orang just deal with their shit. Tapi I yang gila tolerant tibe2 semua can be pissed at me plak. Asal? Why the FUCK?! I ada buat apa? Asal you annoyed I baik sangat? You nak I jadi bitch ke? Baru tak pijak kepala? I RIMAS TAU! I RIMAS GILA! Why won't anyone just let me be me?! Why is there always something wrong? Why am I unliked when I didn't even do anything FUCKING WRONG???! FUCK OFF LAA. SEMUA. FUCK OFF KORANG SEMUA. Hati dia korang nak suruh I faham dan jaga, tapi hati i korang tak nak jaga plak? ASAL? Just because he's the one annoyed. Just because I patient and tolerant, so you choose to bela him. ASAL LAK? Korang kawan apa macam ni?

And then this whole cakap belakang2 thing. I HATE IT. I FUCKING HATE IT LA. AKU BAGITAU KO SATU BENDA YANG KO P DISCUSS NGN DIA PE HAL? Ckp I boleh trust you semua, cakap if I ever feel like I need to let out or vent, I can tell you stuff. Ni apa hal discuss ngan kawan I? Tu la MULUT TAK RETI TUTUP. FILTER PON X ADA. I slip satu benda you terasa kan? Tapi you cakap SO MANY things to me yang I terasa. Semua I let go. You cakap that one guy is annoying. But you are the MOST annoying person I 've ever met. And if it weren't for my "tolerance" than I wouldn't even hang out with you. Tapi I'm not like everyone else. I tau hati you baik. So I judge a person from that. Tapi yang you nak complain I so tolerant ni apa hal? Gila tak sedar diri. You nak cakap orang annoying apa hal? GILA TAK SEDAR DIRI. And you nak cakap belakang2 ngan kawan I plak tu. How fucking dare you? Korg semua otak rosak ke apa?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Hurt: It feels like insurgent pain. A heavy load crushing my heart, physically being able to feel it. Right in here towards the left of my chest. It feels like constant pounding that won't go away. It feels like so much pressure has built up in there, my heart is filled to the brim with water. It feels like my stomach feels light while my heart weighs me down. My heart is so heavy. I feel like I'm going to faint, my legs and my body feel so weak at these thoughts. I want to suppress them but i cannot. I want to erase them from my mind but I still remember! I wish it didn't happen but it did! With this hurt I feel a sore in my throat.

A sore in my throat, pressure in my heavy heart, the dizziness of my light stomach, my surrendered weak legs and the muscles of my frown begin to strain.

I am frail. I feel wounded.

As my throat clenches tighter i feel my eyes begin to water. But too many tears have I shed and no more can I give. I can no longer relinquish, I have no more to offer. Though I know I can no longer afford to feel these feelings, the painful memories still hold on to me and I cannot forget. I crumble and concede to my own web of destruction.

Why would you do this to me? How could you do this to me? How and why could she do this to me? Did both of you for one second stop to think of me? How could you, why would you? How could you, why would you? How could you?How could you?

I sigh.. then I begin to breathe heavier. And I can no longer take it. Miraculously I shed more tears. Though they say you should be strong in life and learn to forgive and forget, I simply can't forget.

Friday, March 28, 2008

When I finally got over my fear of love after 2 years I met this boy who I was completely fond of. He was everything I wanted in a boy. Close. When I imagined my ideal qualities and characteristics, out of all my past boyfriends, he would be the closest match. He was sexy and reserved, making you think he was super cool and leaving you wanting more. He was experienced and flirtatious, he knew exactly what to do or what to say that would make a girl melt. He was good-looking and impeccable sense of style, which made thinking about him pleasant because of the nice vision would always appear in your mind. He has sexy hair, what more can you say about that? I'm just a sucker for sexy hair. I like the semi-long, styled yet soft appearance of it. This was all a recipe to making him unforgettable, a courtship that began the moment he was born when he inherited his genetic pool. He covered all grounds basically, I think the only deparment he lacked in was height. Height had always been a turn-on for me, but he was only an inch taller than me - which is pretty short for a guy since I'm a petite person myself.

I won't go into the details of our courtship, all I will say is that is was fast-paced and brief, although sweet. Similarly, the relationship itself ended just as quickly as it had started. In the end he left me for a girl he previously had a thing for. He, however is insignificant, it was the effect he had on me that altered my life completely. For what was about to come, caught me completely off-guard.

It should be noted that the boy was two grades below me, although we were the same age. This strained our relationship itself because he would feel inferior, scarring his ego and I would act with an air or superiority aware of his lack of maturity - clearly our levels of maturity was miles apart. Which just shows that it is not your age that brings maturity, but the people you associate yourself with.

Anyways, being dumped by a boy 2 grades lower than me, and losing out to a girl 2 years younger did a really good job of hurting my ego. Aside from embarrassment though, I did genuinely feel a loss when he left. He had been so close to my vision of my ideal guy, and I had him and it was heavenly and then he just slipped away, right from underneath me. It was so frustrating, I felt a terrible loss. It didn't help that he had looks that made me melt. If the previous boy took so long to get over, I thought this would take forever. I was at such a low point in my pride. It was crushed. My self-esteem sunk so low, 10 feet under the ground. It was a time where I felt I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't smart enough, I was too boring, I wasn't fun enough. If I had been more of all this, he wouldn't have left me. Of course all this wasn't true, but it was how I felt at the time. I was at a scarily vulnerable state, and any slightest compliment would mean so much more to me that it usually would.

One day an old friend left a comment on my facebook page "Ida Lawa". Scarily, it made me feel like the most beautiful person on Earth! It lifted my self-esteem up so high, I genuinely felt that I was pretty once more. With my esteem reesatablished, I felt a deep sense of gratitude towards this charming boy who had posted the comment. Its amazing what big of an impact the simplest words can make. Makes you really realise what big of an effect the little every-day things you do could have on people. And with that, I grew a sudden interest in this boy and suggested to him that we should meet up, for old times sake. At the time, it was purely a friendly interest.

That boy is now my boyfriend. And the best one yet. I love him very much, and its amazing what treasures fall into your lap when you're not looking. Because I wasn't. Honestly. I wasn't at all. And that is how my current boyfriend came to be. I shall not start on my stories with him, for we've had countless and each little memory means so much to me. Perhaps in the future I will recite them for you, but for now I just wanted to leave a memoir of a girl I once knew.

In that 2 years I was removed from the love business, I was actually in love with a boy for one and a half years. But it was silent love. I had become acquainted with him as we were in the same class. Our history does go further back though. When he arrived, new, at my school we had a brief period of chemistry. But one day he completely caught me by surprise when he started going out with my bestfriend. I was happy for them, perhaps secretly jealous. But i believe my feelings for him grew stronger even after they broke up. Maybe because I have seen what a romantic he was, and saw him at his most vulnerable state, when he was in love. I was able to see him for him and what a caring soul he was and how kind he treated my bestfriend. Often I envied her for the gifts he would shower her with and the love letters he would write to her - me being her bestfriend of course came with these types of priveledges, being able to see whats going on in their personal world.

But that was just history, our story began at my friend's party one evening. It proved to be a very memorable one. It was the closest our relationship ever got to becoming a real one. I was infatuated with him and we spent the whole night together. In the early half of the night everyone was eating by the pool, each person mingling on their own in to different clusters. I would flirt with various guys, but it was always him who seemed to draw my attention. It gives me shivers remembering it, the expression on his face when he gave me a rose. Although it wasn't actually for me, it was for the birthday girl from her boyfriend and was just lying there and he gave it to me. But I didn't care. Secretly, I pretended that it genuinlely WAS for me. I could feel him feeling similarly, as if it was our secret roleplay that everyone else was oblivious to. The symbolism meant everything in the world to me. I was so in love, I remember telling the birthday girl, and she was so happy for me and encouraged me into believing that yes, he really did want to give the rose to me. At this time me and her were quite close, but we're not anymore.

Anyways the night went on and the party ended, and a bunch of us resumed our festivities at a karaoke bar nearby. This is the most vivid of all my memories with him. We would constantly sit together and lie on each other and took affectionate pictures together. I remember the Monday after that Friday, I hassled my friends so badly for the pictures, I really wanted them. Sadly, I no longer have those pictures to look back on as they were lost in a tragic computer crash. Hehe. Anyways, as the night went on I kept feeling a stronger urge to kiss him. I wanted to, he wanted to to. We wanted to. But I don't know what was wrong with him, something was holding him back. He didn't. As everyone started leaving one by one, I was the last girl to go and he waited with me like a gentlemen. At our departure I remember getting the most passionate hug from him, I could feel his love and yet, no kiss. I was confused. I kept replaying the night and the moments over and over again in my head. I was so happy that weekend and eager to meet him again on Monday.

Monday came and I saw him by the lockers in the morning. I gave him a flirtatious "hi" and he responded. I thought everything was fine, our relationship was on its way. But 3rd period Business Studies class completely crushed me. The aftermath was bitter. I even changed my seat from my normal position to be closer to him, but oddly he enough moved to the other side of the room. As usual, I was sitting with my close friend, whom happened to be a close friend of his as well. He bore devastating news. He dictated to me his tale of how they talking in the toilet earlier before class. He informed me of the contents of their discussion.This line I could never forget: "I regret doing all those things with her that night." Regret? Ouch. I can handle loss of feelings, but regretting that you once felt a way for someone, isn't that like saying you never wished it happened? It was the harshest word of all. This was followed by an unsuccessful attempt of justification by my friend, "He was drunk that night, he never meant to play with your feelings." Double ouch. Was I supposed to believe the feelings were all one-sided? They all felt real to me. It was hard to believe. To add to this, I was overcome by anger - I was with him the whole night, I didn't see him drink once! Utter bullshit. But it really hurt me, searing pain.

I never looked back on the situation or tried to rekindle our relationship. Everyday, for one and a half years I wondered where I had gone wrong. I felt bad about myself, he could love my bestfriend but he was unable to love me? My bestfriend had left school by this time and was out of the picture. I kept my feelings quiet and led everyone to believe that I was over him after a month. But the truth was, I wasn't, I couldn't. And it was a hard reality to accept. No matter what I did I just could not get over him.

Until the very end of the school year, nearing graduation, it was then when I found out the reason for my rejection: he felt that he could not be a good enough boyfriend to me. The impact of his relationship with my bestfriend must have been really hard.

I believe if the following event did not happen, I wouldn't have revisited my strong feelings for him. One day my best guy friend tells me he was asking about me. Perhaps I was being idealistic or maybe I was plain disillusioned, but it made me believe that possibly, he had the same feelings towards me all this while. Could it possibly be a two-way secret love? But false alarm. My bestfriend asked him straight out and gave him time to consider, and I was rejected for the second time.

Even until the very last moment I was hung up over him. At graduation I planned to give him a letter. The night went by and I still hadn't given it to him, I was too scared. In the end, I didn't at all and I still have that letter til this very day. That little letter in that little cute pink envelope. I am a romantic.

So that is how it ended, graduation came and went and he left and I got over him.

I have decided to imprint the story of my lovelife into a permanent record. It is much more narrative than my previous posts of opinions, feelings and outlooks on life; these are actual stories in comparison. Here is the start of it.

My position in love had long been dormant. The girl I used to be, full of optimism and passion, with all the love in the world to give, unfortunately was flawed. This excess of trust and genuine belief that everyone that came my way was pure and kindhearted and with good intentions can be much of a tribute to my naivety. And it was this character flaw that left me open, vulnerable to being hurt, by anyone. For a frivolous girl out in the open is naturally accompanied by a fragile heart and this proved to be consequential.

Throughout my early secondary life I've had many guys come my way, a couple of relationships. I tried and experimented, soon finding out that I was crippling myself. With every relationship comes an end, with every heartbreak I became more and more afraid and reserved over my feelings. Until one day I was so bruised and wounded by the shear pain every passing heartbreak exerted. It hurt so much I could not stand. My interest in love plummeted, and I withdrew myself completely from the arena.

What started out as a measure of precaution soon got carried away over time. Or perhaps it never was an intentional precaution, but an automatic one that I never admitted myself to have, one that I had no control over. I remember at one point I became completely frozen, unable to love anyone. I started becoming lonely, but still my mind led me to always believe in the worst. I had completely transformed 180 degrees from my previous optimistic state, I would always be lead to believe that love would never work out, because that certain guy would never possibly love me back. I was so scared to ever get hurt again that I lost the ability to take chances. In that I was scared too.

There came a point where at the slightest realization that there could be potential chemistry between me and a male subject, at any slightest spark my brain would automatically switch off and convince myself that I do not like the guy and it would never happen. For to like someone, you need to let your feelings develop for themselves, and let it thrive in your heart the moment you feel that spark. Because I stopped any such hint of that feeling at its premature level, I was safe, I could not love.

But soon I found it a burden. The procedure had become automatic, an internal defense mechanism. I had built up a concrete wall and now I was finding it hard to return to the brighter path I once knew. I couldn't love.

I had been single for 2 years, but now I was ready to give love another shot. I wanted it. I wanted love. Yet I could not. I wondered whether it was just this bad habit within me or did I genuinely just not find the right guy yet? But one day the issue was resolved and I was able to overcome this illness. I braved my heart and toughened up and took a chance and aimed for love. And got it. Although now with hindsight I can plainly see that it was merely an expedient love that didn't last long, it was the first and drastically vital step to getting back in the ring.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Moments of isolation. It hurts to not be able to reach what you want. When you see it all around you, it surrounds you, and yet you cannot touch it. It's like the image of people trapped in a glass tank, able to see the outside world but unable to be part of that world. It hurts.

Until one day you find yourself in confinement. You are unable to function properly and your body mechanisms break down. You feel weak. There is not motivation for you to go on, there is no need for strive. You realise there is no purpose in working for you will not be rewarded, no matter how well you do you will not be recognized, no matter how much effort you exert and how much you excel, you will still not get what you want. I long to touch the outside world. I long for freedom.

Yet I'm not permitted to make a union with it. Like a lover, unable to unite with their loved one. The pain of bondage hindered by their families, like Romeo and Juliet; that is the separation I feel from my deepest desire. I am hurt. I can no longer breathe, alas I fear that I shall snap any moment now. One of these days this separation will lead to my demise. One day I will go crazy.

I have always been a patient person, but this frustration I feel for not being able to have, to conquer, to immerse myself in this freedom for which I long for so much, is evolving me into an angry person. Revolution occurs when there is an evolution of mindset. Never in my life have I felt so much anger, so much reason to rebel. Never in my life have I had the justification to act out. But when someone obstructs you from your deepest desires, could it possibly be right to simply conform with no questioning, to follow the guidelines and rules set out to you? To follow the norm, as it has been for years. Don't I have a right to satisfy my dreams? How can it possibly be right to accept these limitations if it makes my soul so unhappy. I am grieving, are you not able to see that? I am hurt.

I am young, but I am am not dumb. You give me education, and I take that education. You placed me in a set environment, and I have learnt its ways. Now you won't let me live within it's lifestyles and norms? If you were to call this fair, I would call it an unjust establishment.

My aspirations are unconventional, they are not what most people would consider solid, but when it comes down to it, isn't the most important thing you wish to achieve in this life happiness? And while an ivy-league education abroad and the integration into an elite society would produce contentment for some people, maybe for many or most, those are not my dreams. That is not what I want. Those are your dreams. Through all these years of isolation within this house, I've become, I am, a resentful prisoner behind your bars of thought.

All these years of conflict and underlying tension, of conformity or in other cases plain absence of communication to prevent you from hearing what you don't want to, it ends here. Isolation has nearly sent me into asylum. It is no longer the domestic policy I wish to resume, in fact I wish to get away from domesticity. I want to be free. I want to be there for all those friends who've needed me and whom I've disappointed simply because I was unable to spend time with them. I want to be able to leave the house whenever I want, go where ever I want and stay up late til whenever I want. What I want, is to break away from this institution.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I had a dream. I was surrounded by water. At a river. A big river. On a canoe. There were alot of us. I was with my family. Me, my brother, my mum and my younger brother and sister, sharing 2 canoes among us.

It started off at a steep fast-flowing stream. The rest of the villagers cautiously moving at a slow pace on the right while me and my brother soared down vertically, ignoring all the natural bends of the stream. We soared, among the trees and greenery, it was beautiful. And although in most circumstances I would normally be scared out of my mind, I was thrilled, I felt liberated! Free. It was a very nice feeling.

Maybe because I knew it was in the safety of my dreams, but really, the feeling and the colours, they all felt real to me.

Soon after that we approach a wide calm river. The widest river I've ever seen. Maybe this is what the amazon looks like. Its breathtaking. And we have two choices, to go one way or another. I guess at this moment there would be some cool piano music accompanying us. Would make for a great movie huh? At this point my mum gets out of her canoe and into the water. She just decided to jump in the water. Wow. "What's the big deal? The water isn't even that deep." she says. She can't even swim. Ofcourse after that she realised that it was indeed deep. But for some weird reason she managed to stay afloat until my brother rowed our canoe to come get her. With no struggle. This dream is really some piece of work huh? Its a miracle.

I then settled on sharing with my little sister and brother. Me at the back, and my sister at the very front, my brother safely in between. With such young people around, still it felt so safe - as if nothing would happen to them.

Anyways, my mum says out a name of a place, of which I can't remember, nor do I feel exist in reality, I've never heard of it before. And my brother replies to that by saying that we should go to the left because thats [another name of a place] and it will lead us to our [mysterious] desired location. Guess he's been here before. Where we were headed to, and what we were going to do there, I still don't know.

The dream ended before that. I woke up feeling that this was a weirdly memorable dream. It happened this morning, but tonight right as I closed my eyes, the same view appeared in my mind again. There was just endless miles of water. Its gotta mean something right? I felt so serene. They say your dream is your subconcious. But I don't have to go to a tarrot card reader to ask what this dream was trying to tell me. I already know.