A bit of where I am, nearly two and a half years after losing my Daniel (how it breaks my heart to think and to know of all these many days that I already have lived without my child).

Some days are better than others. I am not talking about the obviously very sad days like birthdays and anniversary days, I mean all the days in between are not the same. I may wake up and feel as overwhelmed by sorrow as I did that day when Daniel died. Or I may wake up and feel some lightness and peace woven into the sadness and it will be a happier day. Or I may feel it all in only one day.

There is no pattern to these different waves of emotion I experience and while there are times that my despair will be triggered by something that specifically reminds me of Daniel, the cause of my agony is mostly just my own awareness of my child’s death.

I mostly say that I’m okay when someone asks how I am. It is easier and less painful, for me and for the other person.

I am haunted by the day of Daniel’s death and the nightmare of having to relive every detail of it over and over again, and I am still unable to apply concepts of forgiveness, justice, right and wrong to my own , to Daniel’s death and to how Daniel’s father behaved towards me after Daniel’s death.

I miss Daniel. Two nights ago I fell asleep wrapped in Daniel’s blanket on a pillow wet with tears. I still hear his voice and I can recall every small detail of how he looked, the way his fingers folded into my hand, how his hair curled, how his skin felt, the exact shape of his legs, his sweet smell… my Daniel. I will always remember.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember, you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think, but the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.” Christopher Robin to Pooh

Our Story

Daniel. He died on 6 January 2009, two months before his 4th birthday. We love him forever and we will keep him in our hearts and in our souls, until we meet again.

Henry and Alecia. Daniel's brother and sister. They adored their baby brother and loved him most of all. Losing Daniel wounded their souls and broke their hearts.

I am Alison, their mom. I dedicate this blog to my children - as a token of my love, to remember our Piki and to share the story of our journey after losing him. Namaste.

How Daniel Died

Daniel was visiting his father when he lost his life. The swimming pool at their house is open, without a fence, safety net or alarm and Daniel was left unsupervised with free access to the water. His father wasn't home when one of the other children discovered that Daniel was floating in the pool. I will never know if Daniel died in the water, while he waited for his dad to get back to the house or maybe in the car on the way to the hospital where he was declared dead on arrival. The cause of his death was confirmed as drowning.