I am a Ph.D. research psychologist, professor of psychology at Cornell University’s Weill Medical College, former gender scholar at Stanford University, and mother of two, and I’ve spent my career studying sex and gender at work, at home, and in the world at large. I’m the author of two books about gender and family: Raising Boys Without Men, which introduced readers to boys in single and two-mother families, and Our Fathers, Ourselves: Daughters, Fathers, and the Changing American Family, about the father-daughter bond in a time of unbridled female opportunity. I’ve written for a wide range of national and international media, including The Wall Street Journal, The Daily Beast, Huffington Post, DuJour, USA Today, and Psychology Today, and am currently working on a book about the evolving role of women in the workplace and the new challenges they face. I’m a frequent guest expert for such outlets as Bloomberg, Today, GMA, Katie, and NPR. I can be reached through my website, peggydrexler.com

Women Need To Shift Perspective And Identify With The Successes Of Other Women

One of the criticisms women have lobbied at Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg in the wake of her much-discussed book, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, has been that Sandberg can’t possibly expect to be a realistic role model. Why’s that? It’s because her experiences, written in Lean In from a place of power, are so far from the norm of the majority of women in the workforce that her message gets lost. She’s simply not someone women can relate to.

And yet Sandberg wasn’t exactly born a COO. She’s worked hard and faced considerable challenges throughout her career. But her lessons, it seems, are no longer valid to many. In Forbes, Meghan Casserly writes that, “For many women, taking workplace advice from Sheryl Sandberg, who earned a salary of nearly $30 million in 2011, is a little like taking ‘basic’ fashion advice from actress Gwyneth Paltrow, whose website GOOP tells me a Stella McCartney tank dress, at $471, is a budget-conscious pick.”

The real issue at hand, of course, is how society receives successful women. Why is it that when we talk about a woman with success, we talk about whether or not she’s someone to whom other women can relate? And why can’t “successful” be “relatable,” anyway? Is being accessible and approachablesomething that only applies to those who are still working towards their accomplishments—or, worse, are shamed into not talking about them?

A person others can relate to typically includes, in the classic definition, those people whose circumstances are familiar, imaginable, or within the realm of possibility. To declare hyper-successful women unreachable is to believe their success is beyond the norm. Women seem stuck in wanting to take their lessons from women who are just like them, but those lessons are necessarily limited. And limiting.

At the same time, relating to someone, or not, seems instinctual, or at least very solidly societal. More than men, women tend to want to appear accessible and approachable—just like you, that is—both as bosses and as friends. Expectations for female behavior traditionally, and enduringly, value modesty and collaboration. Women value a group mentality. They don’t want to be perceived as different. Those qualities aren’t always the same ones that help women get ahead, however, and become the Sheryl Sandbergs of the world. Instead, in the name of being someone to whom others can relate, some women can downplay their professional achievements, and studies have found this can result in women who are less likely to speak up than men, less likely to proactively manager their own careers, and less likely to ask for more money.

Pop culture has contributed to perceived restrictions on what makes someone “real.” Hollywood helps promote the charm of the struggling woman on television, especially, depicting the modern heroine as the opposite of having it all together. Shows like Two Broke Girls, Modern Family, and How I Met Your Mother promote gender stereotypes in the name of creating characters viewers can identify with. Though the men in these shows are successful, the female leads are often unemployed or underemployed. Even the relatively accomplished characters in Big Bang Theory don’t quite measure up to their male counterparts. Female lead Bernadette is a microbiologist, but she’s also a waitress.

The point isn’t to downplay struggle, or to avoid it altogether. Struggle is undeniably universal, and even successful women—most likely especially successful women—have faced certain challenges. But maybe they haven’t lingered in them. In fact, in Lean In, Sandberg shares plenty of stories about times she felt insecure, or like a “fraud.” She reveals times she doubted herself. And chances are she makes these revelations because they’re part of her story, and not because she’s trying to present herself as “just like you.” Struggle and underachievement aren’t—or shouldn’t be—the only models for relating. What women need is to shift the perspective, and make not just the flaws identifiable but also the successes.

So how do we make “successful” also “relatable”

Self-promote. The first thing women can do is stop shying away from talking about their achievements both at home and at work. Take credit for a job well done. Share victories with friends. Make success something that distinguishes you but doesn’t alienate you, and do this by owning it, not apologizing for it, and including others in it.

Cheerlead. Sponsoring—advocating to get somebody a job or promotion, mentioning their name in a meeting, actively helping that person advance—is what makes the real difference in women helping women get ahead. It also helps promote the idea of success as something that can be achieved together, in collaboration with a group.

Acknowledge. Research, including studies out of Cornell, has long found that women and girls, more than men and boys, tend to underrate their own performance. Taking the time to acknowledge your accomplishments will help make the idea of success something that’s perfectly within the norm. Success can be noteworthy, but it needn’t be shocking. When achievement becomes expected, that’s when the real success has been attained.

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