Time to dump rebel without a clue

WAY back in 2004 – as then elucidated by my erstwhile colleague Richard Hinds – Paul Roos invoked the ‘‘No Dickheads’’ selectorial policy for the Swans.

The essence of the idea was that it didn’t matter how fast you can run, how many marks and tackles you can make, nor even how many goals you can score – for if you are a dickhead, you are more trouble than you are worth and won’t be picked or contracted. The Swans won the premiership the next year, have been a powerful force since, with their second premiership last year, and when was the last time you heard of a Swans public atrocity?

In the image of Adam Goodes, Kieren Jack, Jarrad McVeigh and Jude Bolton, they come across as a good bunch of blokes who play hard for each other, undistracted by major dickhead-dom breaking out on or off the field. (Apart, I mean, from No.28 Matthew DICK and No.59 Thomas HEAD, two up-and-comers in the Swans reserves, who slayed ’em in the NEAFL Eastern Conference Grand Final last week, but that’s another story.)

Thankfully, the ARU has at last followed suit with James O’Connor. There is no doubt that he is fabulously talented and perhaps the most naturally gifted player in the Wallabies.

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At his best, he is a joy to watch and a proven match-winner. But his latest atrocity – being escorted from Perth airport by the Australian Federal Police for unruly behaviour – was just the latest in a long line of dickhead displays, and it really was time for him to have a rest and think about where he is going, and what his duty to the team is. “Brand” O’Connor – also colloquially known as “Rebel without a clue” – has simply become more trouble than he is worth.

MEDIA NATTERS

Meantime? Meantime, here is the ABC Sunday afternoon sports program The Hit-Up hosted by Debbie Spillane, with the panellist Mario Fenech posing questions to Roosters coach Trent Robinson. Fenech opens with a curly one: ''I'm only going to say one word - S.B.W.''

Even more entertaining was Fran Kelly on Radio National on Wednesday morning with sports reporter Warwick Hadfield. Kelly: ''So what chance Frank Lowy will be able to recoup the $43 million spent on the World Cup campaign from FIFA?'' Hadfield: ''Sweet FFA, I'd say …''

SAIL ON SAILOR

Bravo, Sydneysider Arnold Metcalf. After arriving in Australia from England in 1975, he decided he needed a sport, and so took up with the Lane Cove 12 Foot Sailing Skiff Club. Last season, he started in 18 races, managing a third place in the Laser Radial Club Championship at the club, and was of course there for last season's opening race. The best thing? When he arrived in Australia, he was 48 years old, and is still going strong at 84! Bravo, Mr Metcalf.

NAMES GAME

Thank you, thank you all! Submissions for great sporting nicknames have come from far and wide. Here is an incomplete list of some of the best, starting with my favourite - the great South African fast bowler, ''All Hands'' Zondeki! Meantime, many years ago, Gordon Rugby had a fullback, Mark Arthur, who went by the sobriquet ''General'', and the famed English fast bowler Gladstone Small - known for being rather on the neckless side of things - was affectionately known as ''Pearl'', as in Pearl neckless! Sometimes it is commentators that give the best nick-names, a la Roy and H.G. calling rugby league prop Glenn Lazarus the Brick With Eyes. He is now - amazingly - Senator Brick With Eyes, representing the Clive Palmer lot. In America, baseball commentator Chris Bergman has coined many famous nicknames including, Todd ''Which Hand Does He'' Frohwirth and Hideo ''Ain't Gonna Work On Maggie's Farm'' Nomo. Beyond sport, I'm told Sydney has a Russian chauffeur known as ''Pickup'' Andropov; The Australian newspaper once had a sub from Germany whose nickname was ''U-Boat''; and in the 1980s, NSW had a highly regarded magistrate by the name of Lillian Thompson. Her nickname was - of course! - ''Two Fast Bowlers''.

GET WELL, ALBIE

Meantime, TFF hears that the great Australian runner Albie Thomas has been crook of late, and wishes to send a cheerio message. What a competitor you were, sir. The pacemaker in the 1958 race in Dublin when Herb Elliott smashed the world mile record and the first five placegetters ran under four minutes, the next night Mr Thomas broke the world two-mile record on the same track. And it was also Mr Thomas who, with a little Box Brownie camera at trackside, took the iconic photo of John Landy leaping over a fallen Ron Clarke in the 1956 Australian National Championships, the moment now re-created as a statue outside the old Olympic Park site in Melbourne where it happened. A mentor to many great Australian runners, Thomas has been a great servant of Australian athletics, and the community wishes him well.

FLOWERED UP

As you'll recall, last November Premier Barry O'Farrell launched the Cauliflower Club - a roughnut division of the Primary Club - whereby rugby men, and backs, kick in $50 every time a Wallaby front-rower scores a try against a major rugby nation, with all the money going to provide equipment for people with spinal injuries, etc. We now have 500 members and the great news is that this year's function is on November 15 at the Westin. Our special guests include the great Richie Benaud, Federal Treasurer Joe Hockey will be proposing the toast to the backs, and you are bloody well coming! Details at www.cauliflowerclub.com.

WHAT THEY SAID

Master of ceremonies Carl Lunt, at a Pakuranga club lunch in Auckland last week: ''Just a word about the loos. Would all the backs using them please put the seats back up so the forwards can go.''

Prime Minister Tony Abbott: ''Happy is the country which is more interested in sport than in politics because it shows there is a fundamental unity.'' Either that, or a basic superficiality?

''I was wearing a mouthguard and there's no way I bit him on the dick. [And] they've got no evidence to back it up.'' Gold Coast lower-division leaguie Anthony Watts. What evidence do you want, beyond the guy complaining at the time, and showing the marks? Wait! Don't answer that!

Jose Mourinho on his Chelsea players: ''Beautiful, young eggs. Eggs that need a mum - or in this case a dad - to take care of them, to keep them warm during the winter, to bring the blanket and work and improve them.''

Elly Gandy on switching swimming allegiances from Great Britain to Australia: ''I just need to work on my accent.'' Take the plum out of your mouth, Elly, and use the space to crush down on your vowels, and you will be one of us.

Sam Burgess on his atrocities: ''I'm disappointed, for sure. But I think I've learnt a lot the last few weeks. I'm constantly learning. I'm only 24.'' Exactly. Forget the shallow critics, Sam. I bet when those critics were 24 they, themselves didn't know better than to squeeze and twist other blokes' testicles! Hypocrites.

Johnathan Thurston, after North Queensland were beaten by Cronulla's seven-tackle try: ''State of Origin is killing the game, no doubt … I'm not the only one that can see it. It's there for everyone to see. Queensland dominate at State of Origin level and NSW is crying out for something and they seem to be getting it.''

Referees boss Daniel Anderson maintains the on-field referees shouldn't shoulder all the blame for miscounting: ''We have got fail-safes in operation but … in the end, the fail-safes failed …''

North Queensland coach Neil Henry: ''How can two experienced full-time referees, two touch judges, two blokes up in the video box not be counting when I have got Paul Bowman next to me on the computer and he said, 'I think that's an extra tackle there'. He goes back and checks it straight away.''

Ewen McKenzie after his first win as Wallabies coach. ''Carrying the ball isn't a magnificent KPI at the moment, which is disappointing.'' Perhaps using a football model and not a business model might help? Instead of KPIs, perhaps just go with tackle counts and tight-head wins?

Nick Farr-Jones reaches for the long handle when contemplating the Wallabies' loss to the Boks: ''If these guys keep playing like this, I'd give them a 50 per cent pay cut, put them on incentive contracts.''

Tom Denniss, after circumnavigating the world in 622 days, on foot. ''The world doesn't seem to be as big now that I've run around it.''

TEAM OF THE WEEK

James O'Connor. The final straw?

Shoalhaven United Bears. South Coast soccer club has made history with all five senior men's teams making the grand final. Over 35A, Over 35B, first grade, reserve grade and third grade have all progressed to their respective deciders.

Australian Davis Cup. After beating Poland, they are back in the world group and will play France in the first round next year.

Clint McKay. Become the fifth Australian bowler to take a one-day international hat-trick.

Zimbabwe. Had their first Test win against any team except Bangladesh since 2001 when they defeated Pakistan by 24 runs. I don't suppose bookies were involved somewhere?

Tom Denniss. Last Saturday the 52-year-old Sydneysider became the fastest person to circumnavigate the world on foot after an epic journey of 26,071 kilometres in 20 months, running a marathon a day for 622 days. He beat the old record by 40 days.

Waverley Rugby Club. The third-grade Subbies won the Campbell Cup with seven nationalities being represented in Waverley's starting XV.

Sailors with disABILITIES. Legally blind sailor Kirk Watson will skipper their yacht Kayle in this year's Sydney to Hobart. Check out the website, www.sailorswithdisabilities.com

Newcastle Uni Rugby Club. The Galloping Seahorses are celebrating their 60th season next year. If interested in being a part of it, call The Buffster on 0419 287 058.

RIP Graham ''Grub'' O'Toole. The stylish and evasive centre three-quarter in the Reg Gasnier mould, passed away in Tamworth this week aged 71 after a long illness. He proudly served his school and rugby league club for many years - Christian Brothers College and West Tamworth Leagues Club. Condolences to his widow Dianne and family.