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Sunday, June 29, 2014

Second Thoughts

I woke up no less sore than I had been when I went to sleep the previous night. Just getting into the car was a struggle, and settling into that same seated position just reinforced the discomfort. This was going to be a bad day.Even Jess was subdued. She made no effort to gather additional footage for her movie, which was a relief. She put her seat all the way back and snoozed for the first hour of the trip.With Jess asleep, I couldn't run the stereo, so I spent that hour staring at the road and reviewing my life in my head.I should be happy. Ecstatic. I'm marrying a woman I adore; I have a cute, young girlfriend to complement that relationship; Danielle and I are having a baby, and we're going to raise it on the commune... why isn't that enough?
I ruminated on this. I'd spent a lot of my life depressed, but mostly over my love life. At the moment, I was the luckiest sonofabitch I knew in that regard. What was missing?I wished for music to distract me from this train of thought, but Jess was sleeping peacefully...Music.I hadn't done anything musical in months, other than noodle on the keyboard to no particular effect. I hadn't performed in over a year.I have a masters degree in music performance. Why am I marking time at Guitar Depot when I could be touring with a band, doing theater, sending my songs to record companies?
I'd become complacent. My mother was right. Maya had been right: life on the commune was too easy, too comfortable. I was shielded from the stresses of the real world. Even my job, working in a music store, had that effect. And though I brought in enough to pay half of the rent, Danielle's six-figure income was always there to support me. And once the kid was born, I was going to stay at home to take care of her.It was all a cop out.We should move out of the commune, get a place in town. And I should get a job appropriate to my skills.But I have to raise the kid on the commune, where she'll be raised hippie-style by doting relatives and friends, in the beautiful countryside. Think of how great my childhood was. I want that for her.
But I had a life to lead for myself. Things to do, places to go. Potential to realize. And I was about to chuck it all and become a stay-at-home dad.What the hell had I gotten myself into?