All your problems, instantly solved

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Published 4:00 am, Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Generation Facebook is totally bummed, dude. Incoming freshman across the nation report their emotional health is at an all-time low, even though they've barely been on the planet long enough to understand the question, even though they've only been alive about as long as it takes a good single-malt Scotch to reach nirvana.

It's gotten so bad that even the "best and brightest" of today's college flesh admit they'd rather get a good grade, a compliment, some sort of ego-fluffer aimed at their fragile personalities, than have sex. I know, right? What's a porn-loving, kink-obsessed, devoutly hypocritical nation to do?

Some say it's Facebook's fault, that there's a sinister side effect to the world's largest online narcotic, given how whenever you check your friends' status updates, everyone invariably seems to be happier and hornier, traveling and singing in the rain, eating better and doing more giant tennis balls of cocaine with Charlie Sheen than you, so you feel horrible and cut off, and you flip over to the porn, glumly.

Others blame technology overall, asserting that the Net, text messaging, smart phones et al and have destroyed "real" human interaction, making us isolated and socially incompetent, even though if it wasn't for Twitter and its ilk the world wouldn't know many astonishing details know of, say, Egypt's revolution, or Iran's, or Kanye West's hideous teeth. It's a double-edged sword, really. Or a mixed blessing. Or two sides of the same coin. Or some analogy I don't care to remember right now because I haven't had a fluffy compliment in the last five minutes.

Perhaps it's runaway obesity that's causing all the gloom? It's a peculiar conundrum indeed: Despite all the awareness-raising over the past 20 years regarding, say, organic foods, fat content, high-fructose corn syrup and so on, Americans are still getting fatter, childhood obesity is off the charts, and Type 2 diabetes is hitting epidemic levels. How can this be? How are we so blind and dumb? I blame the media. Oh, and the schools. And Glenn Beck. You infantile bastard.

How about the still-awful state of our health care, the economic grind, the bleak future everyone seems to be facing, even though it's actually not all that bleak and in fact holds more potential and promise for radical re-thinking of who and what we are than any time in 100 years? Hell, look at the burgeoning pot business alone. Talk about your growth economy. Dear college kids: Buy grow lamps now. Srsly.

Then again, it could be worse. It could always be worse. Just look at those lost children over in Japan, the ones who walk around all day with sparkly blue sailor uniforms, shiny shopping bags, expensive smartphones and ... cotton medical masks.

Wait, what? It's another bizarre phenom in a country known for yawningly bizarre phenoms. Countless teens have taken to the "cult of the mask," wearing medical masks all day, every day, for no reason other than, well, who the hell knows? Depressed economy. Hopeless future. Apartments the size of a shoe. It gets worse. There are millions of others, called hikikomori, teen Japanese shut-ins who live with their parents and never leave their bedrooms. For years.

See? Maybe it isn't so bad anymore, Pampered Young People of America? Plus hey, look over here, there might just be a quick and easy solution to all our woes. Americans love those!

What if you can improve everything in your world merely by cooling down your house? Did you read about that? Sure enough, improvements in central heating and insulation means our metabolisms have been slowing down. We are perhaps a little too warm, too cozy. This makes us soft and mushy and too damn lazy to get off the couch because, you know, mmmm.

Turns out you burn more calories when you're a little chilly, because the body must work harder to keep you warm. Also, if you get too cold, you might get the urge to grab another warm human and wriggle all over them in salacious, God-defying ways in order to generate heat and lower your electric bill. Try it. Try it now.

Could this be the answer to everything? Turn the heat down a little. Have more sex. Burn more calories. Lose more weight. Stay off the Facebook. Avoid pseudo-happy people who really aren't happy but just pretend to be in their overblown status updates. Emotional health rises! Compliments abound! Problem solved! Everybody into the pool!

OK, maybe not. Because goodness knows, it's tough not to be a mite sickened when you read how, say, Glock handgun sales shot through the roof, as it were, just after the Tucson rampage. Seems lots of very sad, very lost people are desperate like dark hate to own a piece of the brand that helped murder nine humans and permanently disfigure a congresswoman. We are nothing if not repulsively sentimental.

Perhaps it all comes down to ... bad manners? Maybe we've simply forgotten how to, you know, show a little respect, chew with our mouths closed, sit up straight, smile patiently, knock it off with the screaming and the drugs and the Lady Gaga in a dress made of meat. Maybe we should take a cue from China, where the ever-displeased government, furious at all the unruly Chinese tots, has called for basic etiquette classes to be taught in the country's schools, pronto. Not a bad idea, really. Shall we try it?

I know, it will never happen. We are too obsessed with sex and intolerance, with gender and genitalia. The political right, in particular, absolutely despises you who are reading this sentence right now. It's true. Did you hear how the Republicans are currently seeking to enflame their most fearful, ignorant base by way of igniting the abortion fight all over again? Yep.

How will they do it? By attempting to redefine rape, of course, so as to make it seem less, you know, rape-y.

The GOP would hereby like to inform all women and especially younger girls that, unless physical force was involved, it wasn't actually rape. Therefore, if you got knocked up, the Repubs ain't paying for no slutty abortion, y'hear? Drugged, incest, statutory? Too terrified to struggle? Too bad for you, kiddo. The Republican Party hates you, and your terrifying vagina.

So buck up, distraught youth. Sure, the wolves are at the door. Sure, the economy is acrumble. What else is new? The world ain't so bad. In my day, we had to dial rotary phones with our fingers. We had to buy our pot illegally. We had to wait four days for a letter. Buy records in a store. Read a map. Invest in Exxon. Buy newspapers. Use dial-up modems. Endure George W. Bush.

Hell, if you're lucky, you've got Obama for another six full years, minimum. You've got it good, babydoll. And if all else fails, you can ask your iPhone for directions to the nearest pot emporium, and it will spit out GPS coordinates, tell you the best brownies to buy, rate the comfort level of the couch, show you the nearest parking space and automatically inform all your friends of your exact locale to meet up to join the, uh, "revolution." What the hell else do you want, a pony?

Mark's column appears every Wednesday on SFGate, and is frequently cross-posted to Huffington Post. To join the notification list for this column, click here and remove one article of clothing. To get on Mark's personal mailing list, click here and remove three more.

Latest from the SFGATE homepage:

Click below for the top news from around the Bay Area and beyond. Sign up for our newsletters to be the first to learn about breaking news and more. Go to 'Sign In' and 'Manage Profile' at the top of the page.