Of all the Billboard offerings I've covered in Who Charted — which is most of them, excluding major eccentrics like the Hot Norwegian Skiffle 100 — there are none I'm more excited to revisit than the Christian Songs chart. The stakes are so much higher: these tracks are heaven-sent, coursing with the power to save souls and change lives. Each is like an infallible new scripture just waiting to be interpreted by an unworthy man. With all due humility, I offer myself as your holy conduit.

1_"MOVE," MERCYME | When last we visited MercyMe, I picked them as the big winners on the 2010 Jeez charts for their towering Cheeto of song, "All of Creation." This time, they've given up the grandeur for low-rent handclappy Maroon 5 dance-rock, and it's a terrible move. This song blows so mightily, in fact, that I'd summarily reject their God if they'd even bothered to mention Him. But nope; it's Christian rock in lameness only.

3_"STRONG ENOUGH," MATTHEW WEST | After the worrying intensity of Casting Crowns, this one is a relief: a nice-looking guy singing a nice song about the Big Guy's power to help people improve themselves. It's your standard CCM fare, albeit a good few notches more charismatic than most. Matthew West won't be hitting 8.0s in Pitchfork anytime soon, but don't be too surprised if you catch him making a run at the mainstream.

4_"THE WAY," JEREMY CAMP | This, on the other hand, has nothing to offer the nonbeliever. I know it must be difficult to convey the Lord's majesty in song, so I beg for the strength to forgive this doofus for sucking so bad. I wanted my spirits lifted, but "The Way" is nothing but dumpy and miserable. All the brow-furrowing God glumness makes our savior seem like a major drag — actual undoctored sample lyric: "All creation cried out with longing/With groans only You could comprehend." Groans is right. (The only mark in the win column is fantasizing that Jeremy is Jesse's brother.)

5_"TURN AROUND," MATT MAHER | Not only is it perfectly workmanlike country-rock with a pleasing little slide guitar lead, it also offers an easy-to-follow formula for redemption: "If you're looking for a savior, all you gotta do is turn around." Yeah? Stupid me, all this time I've been turning off the lights and saying "Candyman" in the mirror. I'll have to start giving the Matt Maher method a shot; I gave my desk chair a good swivel, but no dice this time.

6_"MY HOPE IS IN YOU," AARON SHUST | By far the catchiest, best-produced and most uplifting track of the evening. If you guys dig Jesus, don't sleep on Aaron Shust, cause this cat is totally on point with his grace game. This shit has GMA Dove Award written all over it. I'll admit I'm grading this on a curve because Christian rock has the natural disadvantage of almost always sucking a lot, so don't bother if you're not already into the Lord (because, in that case, you could be listening to something other than sincere piano ballads).

The Big Hurt: What would Jesus download? True, I may be the wrong guy to review the top tracks on the Billboard Christian Songs chart. I’m not religious, so songs about Jesus mean about as much to me as songs about Popeye.

The Big Hurt: Dialing up Billboard’s Ringtones Chart We may scoff at the very idea of Billboard ’s ignominious Ringtones chart, but mobile phones are one of only three viable revenue channels musicians have left these days (the other two being commercial licensing and crooked charities).

Mysteries of the Hot 100 After a year of reviewing only Top 10 hits, it seems I've pretty much run out of Drake jokes. For now, anyway — don't go thinking I'm gonna stop making Drake jokes. Actually, I was lying — I've still got a shitload of Drake jokes.

New entries in the Hot 100 We're mining further for nuggets of interest in the Hot 100 this week. Just to keep things fresh, let's check out this week's brand new entries.

The Big Hurt: Alternative rock songs I got up this morning filled with a furious hatred of alt-rock — I was tossing and turning half the night with Third Eye Blind's "Semicharmed Life" stuck in my head, a torment I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

The Big Hurt: The 'best' of Digital Songs Let's check out Billboard 's Digital Songs chart, which tracks the most-downloaded songs in all genres. Should make for some interesting diversity, right? No! Actually, it's all the same crap from the Hot 100 in a slightly different order.

THE BIG HURT: DIVING IN THE PR DUMPSTER | February 26, 2013 I've been dumpster diving in the PR bin, the rankest receptacle of music industry waste, and I've come up with a dripping fistful of the month's hottest garbage.

THE BIG HURT: LEANIN' WITH BIEBS | February 20, 2013 Bieber was allegedly photographed sipping something from a double Styrofoam cup, in close proximity to a big bottle of codeine cough syrup. This can only add up to one thing: lean . That purple drank, the laudanum of Screw, the deadly nectar of Pimp C.