Friday, September 30, 2011

You're Suspect, Denver

This week isn’t Packers/Bears. It isn’t Packers/Vikings and it isn’t even close. This week, the lowly AFC Denver Broncos come to town probably just hoping to escape injury because they most likely aren't going to escape embarrassment. The intensity, smack and rivalry you look for in the NFL games just isn’t going to be there. That’s fine. We’ll take the win and start preparing for Atlanta.

That said, I thought it would be nice to come up with a few interesting things about broncos as a fun little filler piece. I figured I could talk about how the Ford Bronco was cool back in the day, get into the legend that is Bronko Nagurski, and maybe even joke how Kyle Orton looks like that nerdy kid from the mostly forgettable movie, Gentlemen Broncos (I already did the photoshop, so I’m going to show it, damn it).

But in my research, I came across something that at first made me read it twice, then turned me off, then boiled my blood. Did you know that the official symbol for the State of Wyoming is a cowboy on a bronco? That’s right, a bronco. You know the image I’m talking about – it’s a great one. I mean, this says it all – the Wild West.

So naturally, this begs the question, WTF Denver? Doesn’t Colorado have enough going for them already? Beautiful state, nice metro area, hippie adventure spots galore, etc. So why in the hell did Denver/Colorado steal the symbol of a bronco for their NFL team when it so clearly belongs to Wyoming?

I’ll tell you why – insecurity and insane jealously.

Is it just me or does Colorado seem to lay claim to just about any and everything that comes even remotely near their state? How about this so-called “Colorado” River? Only like 1/5th of the entire river system goes through their state. Or what about the Colorado Rockies. The Rocky Mountains cover numerous states, thousands of miles, and stretch further into Canada alone than through their entire state. Yet, Colorado’s crack tourism and marketing wizards took the cheap “I called it first!” route when naming their precious baseball team (yet another team name fail).

Look, I know Coloradoans’ only sense of direction is two-fold (toward the mountains/away from the mountains) and their main food groups are granola and tofu, but what right does that give them to adopt the Rockies as their own? And by the way, who names their team after a rock? Honestly.

You know what I think, Colorado? I think you're still pissed about your demarcation lines. Yeah, that’s right. Don’t think the rest of the world hasn’t noticed your unbelievable boring state shape – that of a rectangle. No one, and I mean NO ONE, wants their state to be a rectangle. I know it’s not your fault per se, but you didn’t have to take it out on Wyoming by stealing their state symbol. Now, what are they left with? A park.

But now that I look at the US map, the only other rectangular state is... Wyoming. NOW I’m starting see the bigger picture. This is your way of proving you are better than your “neighbor” to the North. The jealousy runs deeper than I thought, my friends. Colorado, in your quest to prove yourself appear more desirable than you actually are, you have made yourself look more cartoon than cool.

I take solace in the fact that there’s apparently two types of broncos. First, there’s the cool, retro broncos who live the majority of their lives in the wild, untrained and untamed. Those are the broncos you see in imagery for Wyoming as in the license plate above. Then there’s the “modern” bronco. This new-age bronco, while still strong and imposing, was bred and pampered to be showcased to the world. As Doctor Wikipedia says, these “Denver” broncos are nothing more than “spoiled riding horses.” You might lay claim to being the least obese state, Colorado, but you are certainly among the most spoiled.

Colorado? The Denver Broncos? Phhrrrt. Give me Wyoming any day of the week. They might not look like much, but at least they’re a quadrilateral with integrity. Enjoy getting your ass whipped Sunday, Denver.

3 comments:

The Rockies are a dumb name for a baseball team, but the Avalanche is a ridiculous name for a hockey team. Rockies, Avalanche, Nuggets...who named those teams, anyway? Probably the same guy who thought purple was a good color for an NFL team and green and red were good colors for a hockey team in Minnesota.

Then again, we should probably be thanking Pat Bowlen. He did have the good sense to send Jake Utler to the Bears, thereby guaranteeing dominance over our greatest rival for the next several years.

Wyoming is better. Although, the risk of getting shot in the face by a hammered, poaching Dick Cheney increases dramatically in Wyoming.Stupid Colorado.On the other hand; there is a resturant in south Denver that has a stuffed two headed calf mounted on the wall. I'm just sayin, it freaked me out.

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