If you are not completely over a heartbreak, but are crushing on someone else, should you pursue a relationship or wait till the heartbreak goes away?

So about 4 months ago my girlfriend left me and really broke my heart. I feel better now, but don't feel completely over her because I still think about her a lot. However I kinda have a crush on another girl now but am hesitant to try to get to know her better because I don't know if it'd be fair to her to be in a relationship and me not being completely over my last girlfriend. It wouldn't be just a rebound because I'm actually legitimately interested in her, but I really, really liked my previous girlfriend and even though she doesn't want to be with me I'd be lying if I said I didn't still have feelings for her. Should I pursue a possible relationship or should I wait it out and see it I get over my last relationship first?

Most Helpful Girl

Anonymous

Are you at the point where you still about your ex but know that it would be unhealthy for you to get back with her... then yeah get to kow someone else... if you'd drop the new girl if the old girl came back then your not ready for anything serious. I had a ex that was not a good fit so I had to move on. We are still friends 13years later... when I first got together with my now husband it was because I knew I couldn't go back, I needed to move on. It was hard to move on when he tried to get me back but I knew at that point that it was done and I couldn't and wouldn't do it anymore.

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Asker

That's the thing, I don't know if it'd be healthy or unhealthy to get back with her if she ever tried to get me back. I was happy in the relationship but apparently she wasn't as happy as I thought she was because she left me without giving me a reason. I really doubt she will be trying to get me back ever, she hasn't even talked to me in 4 months despite me trying to communicate a few times shortly after she left me. With the way she left I don't know if it'd be healthy to go back when it could just happen again, but I don't know for certain that I wouldn't try it if she did try to get me back. This is why I'm so conflicted about pursuing this new girl even though I am interested, I wouldn't want to hurt her if a situation like this arose and then I didn't know what to do.

Most Helpful Guy

Anonymous

You should wait until you're healed. I'm gonna sound like a giant hypocrite but last month I got my heart broken by a girl I wasn seeing. We weren't official but she used me as a rebound and then tossed me aside like garbage. It hurt like hell. I started seeing some other girls now but I'm not completely over the last girl.

Rebounding is contagious I feel.

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Yeah I definitely don't want to hurt her if my feelings for my ex get in the way. I would never just use someone for a rebound, so I'm kinda hoping that she may show some interest too and maybe we can have a relationship. If things go well with her I think it may be able to get over the last one.

I hear you. When my ex left me it was like she had no problem at all just removing me from her life. Even though it was a short relationship I don't understand after being so close and romantic with me that she could just leave. And obviously I've had a much harder time moving on. I can understand why it'd be hard for you too because you were probably looking for a real relationship. People who use people like that probably aren't worth being with anyway.

Yeah and the worst part is I had so much in common with the one who rebounded on me and everything was going great till she ditched me. And she did just get out of a long relationship so I took it slow and proceeded with caution but still got screwed over.

Yeah I know how you feel. We had so much in common I thought it was meant to last and then out of no where she's just done. Really didn't help my self confidence when all along I'm thinking "wow how lucky am I to find a girl like this" and then she leaves. Now all the thoughts are "will I ever find someone who I feel like I have that much of a connection with?" Sometimes it feels like I never will.

Yeah I'm sorry to hear that man. That hurts a lot. And it's like I don't expect a woman to have literally everything in common with me otherwise there's nothing to learn. She just had way more in common with me than others.

I won't lie, I got scared myself when I found myself catching feelings early on. Her just getting out of a 5 year relationship didn't help either. I'm talking to other women now but yeah finding someone with a connection like that is rare.

What Girls Said 14

Tread lightly, maybe go out with the new person, see if it is even a possibility that you have the same interests, etc... your heart will tell you when you are truly ready to move on, but just the fact that you have some interest is a good thing... maybe "step down the ladder into the pool" instead of just diving in... best of luck...

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Yeah I guess I really don't even know that much about this new girl, she's attractive and seems nice in the few small conversations I've had with her. Getting to know her may help me start feeling comfortable thinking about a new relationship. She's the first one I've really had interest in since the heartbreak, so I guess it couldn't hurt to maybe try to slowly see if it could go somewhere.

This may be your opportunity to move on and heal. You are truly interested right? Then focusing on her will allow you to move on and let go of your pass. But you have to be open and willing to let her in and accept the fact that you and your ex are just that. You will never be happy until you are honest in your present and move on. This is a good thing. Just don't go running back to the ex or find ways to keep her in your life.

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Yes I'm interested. I've also accepted that me and my ex are exes and she's completely out of my life so its not like she herself would interfere directly. The thing is I never wanted her out of my life to begin with, she just left and I got no closure so that's why I'm struggling with moving on.

That's a tricky one. On one hand, you've acknowledged that you may not be over your ex, which shows that you're realistic about things and understand how it may affect you. On the other hand... you're aware your feelings may affect you and that it may not be a good idea. It's a strange paradox, in a way.

My general advice on life is that if you have realistic reservations about it, it's best to hold off until you are completely sure of yourself. I you think your feelings for yur ex may affect your relationship with this girl, it is probably best to hold off until a later time. Give yourself another few months and see how you feel then. If you feel you are over your ex for sure, go for it. It may not be an easy few months, but it is smarter to wait until you are in a better place emotionally than to rush in and potentially ruin something great.

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Asker

It is a really tough situation and I don't want to mess anything up because of these feelings I can't let go. However, this new girl that I'm kinda interested in is in one of my classes and I'm worried that I may not see her a lot, if at all, in a few months when the semester is over. That's why I'm contemplating at least maybe hinting at my interest, but like you said it may be better to hold off. Ugh this is really a tough decision.

It's really not easy, because I can see the pros and cons of each path, just one being riskier than the other. Perhaps start by getting to be friends with her? That way, you can gauge her interest and see if it is worth pursuing further.

its good to be alone after a break up and sort ysf out rather than rush into new relationshipbut you also need to consider chances you get in lifeso id go w this other girl but just be straight up w her and know where you guys stand, that you just got out of relationship and still have feelings for ex but also like her...

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Asker

OK so if I do attempt to try something with this new girl, I should tell her straight up that I still kinda have feelings for my ex, or should I wait till something like that just comes up in conversation?

i think you should try to spend more time with the new girl to really figure out if your feelings for her are strong enough to overpower the lingering ones you have for your ex. i agree that it would be unfair to the new girl if you were unintentionally rebounding off of her (even though you liked her), but taking time to move on from your ex won't hurt.

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Yes I don't really know a whole lot about this new girl, so I may just try to spark some conversation and see where things go. I know people say that time heals but its been 4 months and I still think of her quite a bit. It may not be a bad thing to take more time, but I also miss that feeling of being in a romantic relationship with someone you like.

That's exactly what I'm going through right now, I'm still not over my ex but I'm with a new guy. I would just go for it to be honest. But not going to lie it hasn't helped me move on, just complicated things in my case

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Asker

How did your feelings affect the new relationship? Was your new boyfriend hurt that you still had feelings for another guy?

He doesn't know I still have feelings for my ex, and because every time the new guy does something wrong I think about my ex thinking things like he would've never done that to me and then I go into a deep thinking mode of how I'm still in love

Oh I see. I really didn't even think about how comparing the two could happen, especially if this new one wasn't as good as the old. My ex was my first girlfriend so I never compared her to anyone else. In my head everything was completely amazing with her because I had nothing else to compare her to. Like I thought she was a great kisser, but I guess it possible that she could have been an awful kisser and I just didn't know because I had no comparison. I can see your point now how these feelings could interfere.

Yeah I bet a lot of people put their first on a pedestal. I mean you experience all kinds of firsts with that person so I could understand that. You're comments have got we wondering now if I'm subconsciously thinking rebound too. I feel legitimately attracted to her and interested in her but the thing is even though I'm having these feelings, I still think about my ex way more than this new girl. I'm sure if I was in a relationship with her I'd probably think about her more, but like your situation if I'm still not over my ex I'll probably start comparing.

Yeah well that's how I exactly how I feel but I would just go for it because I feel like I won't ever fully recover from my ex but I'm pretty happy with this new guy and everything is going well so I would just go for it, life's too short and once you know you like her just go for it xx

Yeah you are right, I guess there's no point in living in the past, I want to find someone and be happy. I think I may try to drop some hints or make a move in these next couple weeks and just see what happens. I appreciate all your opinions :)

Definitely wait. If you start a relationship with this new girl, and all you can think about is your ex, that isn't going to be good; for you or your girlfriend.

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Asker

I think you are right. Its just its been 4 months and I still have as strong of feelings for her as I did when we were together and I don't know when or if I'll ever get over her. Its frustrating because I want to be happy and be in a relationship but I also don't want to be unfair to this new girl if I'm not over the last one.

Thats probably true, Its just easier said than done. There's been multiple times over the last few months where I think I'm over her and then every time a wave of feelings for her come back. I just don't want it to happen if I get in another relationship because I feel it could bring a lot of complications.

Oh no I gave up trying to contact her a while ago because she'd never reply. I doubt she'd try to contact me now after not doing it for so long but if she did I wouldn't want it to interfere if I have a possible new relationship in the works.

Grab the chance. But please make sure you'll never use her to cure your broken heart.

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Asker

Yes I'm thinking I will maybe try hinting at my interest. And don't worry I would never use her to get over the last one, I am actually interested. That is why I'm conflicted and asking this question because I don't want it to turn into some kind of rebound, I wouldn't want to do that to someone.

:) you are a very nice person. I am sure you will be able to get over your last relationship some day. It always takes time for anyone to get over that. Don't worry! Don't let your feeling for ex-girlfriend disturbs your current relationship :) good luck! +sorry! I am not a English speaker so it might be hard to understand what i say

Thank you, I try to be a nice person :) and no I'm not currently in a relationship, I've just developed a bit of a crush on this new girl recently. I'm just hesitating because I still have the feelings for my ex girlfriend. I think I may try to just talk to this new girl and get to know her and then maybe hint that I'm interested to see if she may be interested too.

Well I certainly don't want to be single forever. Being in a relationship made me realize I do want to find someone to be with long term and hopefully marry, its just hard because it took me so long to find the first girl I was with and I was really happy, so I'm worried it may not happen again.

You wait. If you need a rebound to get over her completely then don't pick one that you're really interested in..

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Asker

Well I'm not saying I need a rebound, I'm legitimately interested in this girl for more than just a rebound. I'm just wondering if pursuing this new girl while still not being over the last one would make it too "rebound-like" and negatively affect the new relationship.

Yeah I might try to put out some feelers and see if she seems interested. Maybe she will or maybe she won't but I guess it can't hurt to try. I just really want to find a way to stop being sad all the time.