October 30, 2007

A breath! I look so forward to the day when I no longer have a stressful exam every freakin week. It’s only 131 days away, as long as I pass everything this year. (Please, oh PLEEEEZ). So; studying for 2 exams that cover over 450 pages together simultaneously…how does one do that? Well, I studied all day every day last week for 12-16 hrs/day. Then on Thursday night, I went to bed at midnight, woke up 3 hrs later to finish studying for my 7am exam Friday morning. I took the 3 hr exam, skipped class to go study and continued studying until 1:30 am. That’s 21.5 hrs of school work, folks! And it doesn’t end there…more studying all day Saturday and Sunday, and another 3 hr night of sleep last night to take my other exam this morning.

I am now on anti-anxiety/antidepressant medication which is wonderful. I was afraid that I would feel high or blissed out or, I don’t know, just not ME. But I am so so happy that the contrary is true: I feel like a calm me. Like me, normally. Like me, not stressed the fuck out all the time. Like me when I’m in places other than vet school. Yay! I am calm enough to sit and study. Just sit and study. Like I’ve not been able to do for long periods of time since I moved up here 3 ½ yrs ago! My doctor feels really really bad that he misdiagnosed me with ADD when I was really just depressed and anxious. It makes differences in my life that are slight but significant. Such as; I noticed the other day when I bought new shampoo/conditioner that I chose ‘peppermint’ (invigorating) rather than ‘lavender’ (calming) for the first time since school started. Cool.

And in the meantime, Ben has to have another open-heart surgery (he’s 28, his first was on his 21st birthday—he has a congenital heart defect that was fixed incorrectly the first time). Great timing. We were really hoping that he wouldn’t have to have another surgery until AT LEAST after I finished school. He’s done tons and tons of studying to educate himself on whether he should go for another tissue valve (and look forward to another surgery in the future to replace it again), or a mechanical valve (and look forward to taking coumadin for the rest of his life and all the fun things that go along with that: diet changes, possibility of stroke/hemorrhage, etc). But the stress is rather overwhelming if you let yourself think about it. Will he live through it? (We assume/hope so, it’s a dangerous procedure because it’s so uncommon and such a long procedure to have to be on the heart/lung machine on. But he has a great surgeon whom is encouraging). What is he going to do in the next few months when he won’t be able to do much of anything? (He’ll be staying at his Mom’s for the couple weeks after the surgery, but I’m sure she’s not going to be there every day for him…I so wish I could be!) Ugh. Luckily, I have gotten permission from school to skip classes for a week to be with him several days before the surgery, the day of (Nov 6th), and the day after. Still have an exam waiting for me when I return though. (Of course). I’m really proud of him, he’s keeping it together so well. I know how stressed he is, but he maintains a positive outlook and just does the best he can. Some days are better than others, and though vet school is something I CHOSE to do, and having a heart defect is NOT something Ben chose, the feeling of stress and how to live with it is similar in some respects—and so I empathize.

Anyway, these are the big issues in my life for the past few weeks. Studying, calm (for once), Ben’s upcoming surgery. Also, my neice, Tiger, is exceptionally cute when she rocks out.