Audi says next-generation R8 will be “really shitty”

An Audi R8 that isn’t shitty, yesterday

Audi says the next-generation R8, due late in 2015 as a 2016 model, will be a significant step backwards compared to the current-generation car.

“At this point we’ve made the R8 so good that we’re running up against the law of diminishing returns,” said Audi PR spokesdiminisher Mahrke Donkey. “No matter how good we make the next-generation R8, the critics are going to say we’ve lost our pace and our vision. So we figured, screw it, if they’re going to accuse us of building a shitty car, let’s give ’em a really shitty car.”

A source at Audi’s Ingolstadt headquarters told Autoblopnik that the new R8 will feature a new W3 engine — a W12 with nine cylinders lopped off — that would develop around 150 horsepower if it were turbocharged, but it won’t be, so it won’t. The new engine will drive one or two of the wheels through a four-speed automatic transmission. In order to assure utter crappiness, Audi has partnered with a handful of competing automakers, including Nissan for styling, Toyota for suspension tuning, and Hyundai for the electric power steering system. Audi plans to develop the electrical systems in-house, Donkey says, because “we have proven ourselves capable of fucking that up with no outside assistance.”

“We’re confident that this new R8 will be seen as an enormous step backwards and will be castigated by the press,” said Donkey. “That way, when we introduce what is essentially a reskin of the current car in 2017, the motor press will say things like ‘Audi is back’ and ‘Audi has found its way again.’ It worked for the 2013 Honda Civic, so we’re sure it will work for us.”