No, No This Is More Interesting

Michael ArceneauxDecember 15, 2009

I’m into sassy old white women, so naturally I’ve been a long time fan of Barbara Walters. But sadly I saw myself bored out of my mind watching her Most Fascination People of 2009 special last week. Sarah Palin…again? I’ve heard people talking about eating deer, coon, and alley cats for years so moose chili doesn’t really shock me. There are erratic, racist, xenophobic white people into alcohol abuse all across the country so what makes Glenn Beck so special? I like Michelle Obama, so no shade will be thrown her way, but really Babs, this list was the best you could do?

Since nice week is officially over I’d rather go back to norm. With that in mind here’s my list for what’s been the most fascinating to me in 2009.

Rihanna’s Barbadian Breasts

If you’ve read this site long enough chances are you’re well aware that I’m far from a breast man. Yet, I can’t help but be curious about Rihanna’s boobs because every time I open my Web browser I see her braless ass in front of me. OK, so she has a nice body – including her tits – but why have I seen her breasts more this year than my own dick? Is she happy that they’re there? Is there something different about them that forces her to show them each and every time she does major press? Do her breasts have the answer to the meaning of life? Whatever the case, numb nipples obviously finds them fascinating so I’m choosing to spotlight them. Hopefully after she gets the attention she so desperately craves maybe someone will hand her a bra on January 1, 2010 at 12:01 a.m.

Joe Lieberman’s Jaw

Why hasn’t anyone punched it yet? I don’t understand why this back peddling jack ass has so much clout. Does he have some sort of deep secret hanging over Harry Reid’s head and jello-like spine? Whatever the case may be he’s officially making it worse for everyone else. When will Democrats be over this elf for good?

Kelis’ Lawyer

They were married for two whooping years and as a result she’s getting $40,000 in alimony and $10,000 in child support. Please help me understand why this is fair. And do give me her lawyers number. Should ya’ll get a clue and let gays marry and I lose my mind and decide to ever marry I want her in my camp. I’ll be damned once I make it someone bleed me dry like that.

Edit: A commentator has informed me Kelis and Nas were married for six years. That said, I still think $50,000 is a bit much.

Everyone that has anything to do with Chris Brown

This list includes:

1. His mother for enabling him on Larry King and in life.

2. Those dancers who talk shit about Rihanna on Twitter (great for PR) knowing they’re doing so because they want him to duck walk on their faces.

3. The person who even allowed him to get on Twitter unmonitored.

4. The person who dressed him in that wretched red sweater for the first apology video.

5. His anger management coach. Clearly they’re unlicensed.

6. His English teachers. They deserve time.

7. These other employees who are rumored to be dissing Rihanna during his “fan appreciation tour.”

8. His publicist, who is obviously a Rihanna stan.

9. The person who handed Chris Brown that bowtie. Best thing to come out of his 90 interviews.

Teaching the world how to do a quick weave. And Barbara wants to talk about Kate Gosselin and her litter of kids.

Lil’ Wayne’s Sperm

You know why. Who’s the next uterus to greet it?

Bloggers

This is two-fold. There are so many great writers and bloggers with personalities that beam through their posts who I firmly believe will go on to enjoy some notable level of “celebrity” or at least infamy. Then there are those who purposely go out of their way to be famous forgetting that more or less their attention is rooted in what they say about other people (I don’t know, celebrities) than anything they say about themselves. The lines are increasingly blurring and I think our culture has become so celebrity obsessed that everyone wants to be famous for the sake of. It’s getting weirder by the day and with the advent of social networks like Twitter attention whoring is taking on even greater levels. So shout out to those who take themselves far too seriously. Hopefully the new decade brings a much needed reality check. Shots fired – one in particular at Perez Hilton.

Hoes

Political hoes, sports hoes, actor hoes, regular sideline hoes and the even bigger hoes who give them attention. I don’t find you fascinating. What I find fascinating is that people continue to be sucked into this nonsense at the expense of real news like war and health care. I get why you’re an easy distraction, but I wish each of you jock and vaginal itch for giving the news media ammunition to rot so many people’s brain cells with details about your illicit affairs all the same.

These types used to repulse me then came tolerance, soon after amusement but throughout it all I’ve still managed some level of befuddlement. The fuckery aspect of this notwithstanding, I’m more intrigued with the notion that so many gay men feel that to be gay means to be effeminate. Part of it is rooted in the reality that more times than not any out man of color is largely feminine so in essence if that’s all you see you’ll likely duplicate – especially if you’re young and easily influenced (as most young people are). Then you have to take into account that there are many absent fathers. On one end I don’t want to limit people by adhering to rigid views of masculinity. In my essay, “When Bullying Leads to Suicide,” I wrote on the dangers of that. On the other hand, not everyone coming out is just being who they are; they’re being who they think they’re supposed to be. As we move forward into the new decade, sooner rather than later someone’s going to have to address this as it’s not going away.

Old Heads

Here me out. I’m not an ageist. Actually, I love the fact that there are so many people I grew up admiring so easily accessible. However, some of them seem none too receptive of those coming after them. As in, this is my spot, sit your young ass down. The people that came before them weren’t like that, so what gives? A shitty economy, perhaps? Now more than ever are baby boomers battling youngins’ for jobs meant for newbies. What’s more, just as someone who works in media I find that a lot of older workers have a very linear view of things and are not open to change. As a result, many of the publications we all grew up admiring are folding. On top of that, in terms of new media I’ve noticed that a lot of sites are still running with the same old blueprint (some old folks aren’t listening). That doesn’t work. That’s why you find the few publications left trying to play catch up with the people who started their own sites and are now running a market these larger corporations won’t be able to break into…no matter how hard they try. With age comes wisdom so in now way do I want to banish any able bodied worker of a certain age. BUT, it makes sense to listen to those coming up in the world. A lot has changed and we’re the forces driving it. It’s OK to rely on us to take the lead.