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July 30, 2008

Lately, I haven't been interested in seeing any guys from my "list" and haven't been interested in going out and meeting new guys. I've been staying in and saving money, which also puts a damper on meeting guys. Because of this, Daniel fits into my life beautifully. He comes over and we just hang out. It's really nice actually. We go swimming, hit a bucket of balls, play video games, or just chat while I do my errands like cleaning or laundry. I've grown to like him a lot because of this time spent together, getting to know each other.

This wouldn't be a problem, except that I find I'm imposing my standards for a boyfriend onto him. In other words, I guess I'm expecting more out of him and his behavior and stuff than I wouldn't care about if he were "just" a fuck-buddy. I know he wants to be in a relationship, so that's not the problem.

The problem is that I am more easily upset or annoyed when he doesn't "meet my expectations." I hope that doesn't come across as bitchy or uppity. When he did or said something stupid or hurtful in the past (not because he's an asshole by any means...just "young"), I blew it off and just didn't care much and probably just wouldn't talk to him for a week or something. But now, it hurts more and I'm bothered more. He *always* apologizes and tries to make up for it and it's obvious he is trying harder...but I don't think he's ready for an adult relationship. And I don't even think I'M ready for a relationship at all. But I want to be around him (and only him--as far as guys go-- right now).

Sooooooooo...I doubt any of this even makes sense. I'm kind of rambling, but that's where I'm at right now: I like this guy a lot and really enjoy spending time with him, but don't know if it's a good idea to be as close as we have been for the last month. I guess he's not mature enough for me and I don't like being hurt and I don't like drama.

::loooooooooong siiiiiiiiiiiigh:: Relationships were never this complicated when I was younger.

(Wow...I just realized that it's been 2.5 weeks since I've been with anyone besides Daniel. Moreover, aside from that one night with Jay, I think it's been over a month since being with anyone else...)