I show this bald photo of me now as a way of releasing fear. I was so afraid when I was diagnosed with leukemia — Afraid of losing my hair, halting my career, chemo, and especially afraid of dying. Fear still visits but I’ve learn that much of my healing is about letting go and allowing myself to accept and be transformed. I feel like a caterpillar in a cocoon waiting to burst forth as a butterfly. Thank you all for supporting me in this letting go and transformation process.

10 Responses to Letting Go of Fear

You look beautiful — one might even say “you have a lovely skull shape!” Fear is always the great enemy and outsmarting fear is a triumph. Fear is so often worse that whatever it is that we fear. BTW, when a friend’s daughter had chemo and started losing her hair, she shaved it off — as did her mother and husband, so they were ALL bald together! OKAY, Mary Lou, NO, I am not suggesting you do this!

I love the picture. You are a beautiful, strong person. I am thankful that we have already known each other for 23 years, but I am more excited about the next 50 years we will be friends here in this world!

Deb – i so admire the courage you’ve shown from the beginning of your cancer journey. You inspire us – & we could all use a lesson in letting go of fear and embracing change & uncertainty. Blessings to you, Laura Cohen

Hi Deb–
First, you are courageous to let yourself be photographed bald–I won’t! Second, you look terrific and healthy. I go in for my own bone marrow transplant May 10–and you are the pioneer that gives me the courage and conviction that I will get through this ordeal. Well both will. Thanks fr showing the rest of us that even the toughest challenges are only temporary.
best wishes,
David Burwell

Deb- good for you! and very Brave. You never know what your new self might be like- some grow a entirely new hair type. You are definitely being transformed and transforming all of us who are cheering you (and your MOM!) along the way. Happy May Day!
Love from the Ward-Wallers

Proud of you , Deb .. It really is a big step .. Esp if you were/are a hair lover .. Our daughter, Patty lost all her hair during tx for breast cancer … that was Amit’s 13 yrs ago … her hair is still curly & beautiful !! Patty wore a scarf mostly … didn’t like the wig she bought ! Linda Z

Deb Hubsmith
I'm blessed with a beautiful life, wonderful family and friends, and had an exciting career. But, in October 2013, I was suddenly stricken and diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia (AML) following a two week illness not unlike a flu. My life changed immediately.

I was treated by Kaiser Permanente Hospital in San Rafael, California for months where I received multiple rounds of chemotherapy. This treatment did not knock out my AML and my only hope for a cure was to go to Stanford Hospital for a bone marrow transplant (BMT) in March of 2014.

The BMT was very intense and painful but I made it out of Stanford alive. I was doing great and growing stronger until November of 2014 when my blood counts again dropped. I am now being treated for a rare bone marrow condition called serous atrophy, which keeps stem cells from functioning/multiplying properly in my bone marrow. I lost a significant amount of weight and have intense fatigue, must avoid public places (due to infection risk), and as a result spend much of my time lying in bed.

I deeply want to live but desire to have a quality of life that includes dance, community, working for environmental/social causes, being able to enjoy time in nature and spend quality time with my beloved newlywed husband Andy Peri.

I am surviving on blood transfusions and am in a place of yearning to survive. I am also open to letting go of this life with grace should my options fade away. What carries me more than anything else is the dramatic, soul-enriching love of family and friends and my own love and acceptance of change and all that has come to pass.