Monday, April 20, 2009

i believe my first tweet this morning was "big h moved me to tears. such an amazing little boy. in surgery right now. told all of the staff about batman."

seriously. i'm not sure if the morning could have gone more smoothly.

besides the fact that i did NOT sleep last night. you know those nights where you are awake and you look at your watch and it says 1:15. then you wake up and look at your watch and it says 2:26. then, 3:10. then, 4:32. and at 4:32, i just stayed awake. i was so afraid i wouldn't wake up on time. and afraid that buz would oversleep.

never mind the fact that buz has overslept ONCE since i met him. he wakes with the roosters. sometimes earlier.

so i got up and read FB messages, blogs, etc. finally got out of bed at 5:30 and got dressed and put my bag in the car and got everything ready to put big h in the car. i got him (out of the deepest sleep possible) at 6 and took him to the car, thinking he'd stay asleep.

you'd think after five and a half years, i'd know. to say that the boy is a morning person is a gross understatement. as i was carrying him to the car, he whispered, "mama, please make sure you bring truckformer." (fyi: truckformer is a transformer in the shape of a truck. and big h renamed him. for obvious reasons.)

and then, he talked and talked about how truckformer would be sad to be left by himself and we should definitely bring him and he and batman are good friends and batman gets to come and there's a chance goo might break transformer while i'm gone.

oh my.

last night, he made sure his batman jammies were clean because he was adamant about dr. m seeing his batman jammies. and he may have said it once or twice. or maybe a couple more times.

it was dark the entire drive to the hospital. and the boy never did stop talking. all while i was picking the nighttime crusties out of my eyes. but i loved every minute of it. we don't get a lot of one-on-one time together. so this was fabulous.

we got there, and he immediately said, "hi, i'm big h, and i'm five and a half, and this is my batman, and these are my batman jammies. dr. m has never seen my batman jammies." and by immediately, i mean that i think we had actually crossed the threshold. i couldn't stop smiling.

we waited in the lobby for a while until he realized that he had left his star wars lego guys in the car.

ALERT! ALERT! STAR WARS LEGO GUYS LEFT IN THE CAR!

we came back and all was well with the world. in the words of my little man, "whew, that was a close one, mama."

we sat in that lobby for what seemed like a sweet forever. then we went in another office to sign consents. in the meantime, he had put a second pair of jammies on top of his batman jammies and told the pre-op lady that "i probably just look like a regular big h. but really, i'm batman disguised as a regular old big h."

she smiled really big. and because i'm biased, i'm almost positive he made her day. and it wasn't even 7 yet.

finally, we got taken back to the pre-op prep room. he got a pulse ox on, and the nurse was so fun to let him watch the monitor when he didn't keep his finger still. he loved it. she weighed him. um, i rock. i guessed his weight TO THE POUND.

then, we waited in the pre-op exam room for about an hour and a half. he had grown weary and the newness and coolness had officially worn off. and the only kid channel we could locate was pbs kids. which is fine. but he doesn't really care for arthur or martha speaks.

thankfully, we looked around some more and we were able to locate playhouse disney. oh, i have never been so glad to hear the spanish sounds of handy manny and his tool friends. felt like home. except with a lot more beeping and sterile-ness.

finally, dr. m came by to say hi. he has started ranking right up there with dr. g. big h loves his man doctors so much. dr. m loves the heck out of big h. i mean, they've been seeing each other every three months since big h was eighteen months old. they have a bit of a relationship. so he came in asking if big h wanted a hat like him. and we showed him big h's jammies, even though big h was QUICK to inform that he did NOT like the gown he was asked to wear. "it itches, and it's like girl jammies."

i will say, for the record, that the ONE thing big h talked about more than anything else was the freaking gown. i told you he was a hoss, right?

so about ten minutes after dr. m came by, the anesthesia RN and the anesthesiologist came in. the RN was awesome, talking to big h about cleaning his ears and "getting this show started." and the anesthesiologist came in talking about wearing a space face mask that had gas in it, and he would take a short nap and then see mom again.

i thought, for sure, big h would lose it at this point, and that he would be scared and not want to go.

(side note: i specifically requested NO VERSED because i don't like the wake up that it causes. and the anesthesiologist said, "well, then we'll do our best to make it as fun as possible so he won't be anxious.")

and that, they did. they pulled up the rails of the gurney and wheeled my little man back to the OR.

and i walked out. and cried. and not out of sadness or fear. God had already taken care of those things.

but out of pride. i couldn't believe my little man was not such a little man. he was a boy. who was confident in those taking care of him. he was confident in his rad doctor who has ALWAYS taken care of him.

i sat in the waiting room for i think eighteen minutes.

dr. m came out and said everything went great, that he had woken up groggy but calm (praise Jesus). and then he said, "you know, mom, your kid's got a great disposition. he had everyone laughing and smiling back there. there never was any fear. he did great. he's ready for you now."

i wanted to cry again. i walked up and pulled the curtain and saw my little man who looked FIFTEEN. he looked scared, like he wanted to cry. i put my fingers through his hair, something he normally doesn't care for so much. but he let me. which was awesome. and then, he seemed like he wanted to cry. and sometimes he'll look at me like that, and once i say, "bud, it's ok to cry if you need to," and then he'll cry. like he has permission. so i asked if he needed to cry, and he said, "no, i don't think so."

but the sweet recovery nurse, colleen, said, "you know what? i'm going to lay his bed down for about fifteen minutes or so and let him get some good, deep rest." and that's what he did.

and for almost twenty minutes, i got to sit, alone, and look at my beautiful first born. no one was around. i just got to stare at him. and marvel at who he is and who he's become. and where we've come together, him and me.

and shocker. i was teary. this motherhood thing gives me the waterworks.

finally, he woke up, and the FIRST THING out of his mouth was, "mama, i really need to not have this gown on. can i have my jammies back?"

we got him dressed, and the cute nurse made sure he had everything he needed for a "rockin' show and tell" tomorrow. how fun is she? she gave me the hat and mask he wore, his pulse ox monitors on his toes, his stickers that monitored his heart rhythms, and of COURSE his tubes. which are, by the way, the size of a small hang nail. hard to believe something so small could perform such a HUGE job.

big h got to go to the car in a wheelchair. normally, he would've thought it was really cool, but he was GROGGY.

we got to the car, and buz had bought the darth vadar lego figure and ship. for this day. for his courage and bravery. and you talk about something that changed a mood in 6.3 seconds. we were getting ready to leave the parking lot, and i kind of just mentioned that i felt something in the bag, and then i showed it to him.

and the heavens of big h's world opened up wide.

he talked the entire way home. i told him he could have anything he wanted for breakfast. his request was for "crunchy potatoes," or hash browns from whataburger.

we came home, and goo had missed him so much. he never did show any signs of fatigue.

we had lunch and then i put goo down. i was wiped out, so i got on the couch, and he and i watched a show and he played about ten or fifteen minutes of lego playstation. then, he took himself into his room, got under the covers, and headed to nighty night land. and stayed there for two and a half hours.

and it's safe to say that i have NO IDEA the last time he took a 2.5 hour nap. fatigue finally won out.

and that was it. he's had three doses of tylenol, and he's asleep now.

but he is SO READY for his own personal show and tell tomorrow.

so to recap: i love my little man and look up to him for his maturity and trust and good nature and humor and bright view of life.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

if you think of it (and are actually awake between 630-8) tomorrow morning, i would love to ask you to pray for sweet big h.

tomorrow morning, he's having his ear tubes taken out.

i know.

taken out.

but of course, the kid has had them in since two thousand FIVE, for pete's sake.

talk about money well spent.

but in those three and a half years, he's gotten older. (i know...count on me to point out the obvious, right?) back then, he had NO IDEA what was going on and why on earth he was somewhere he didn't recognize so early in the morning.

now? boy's got a clue.

so we've given him as much information as we feel like he needs. he gets to wear his batman jammies and gets to bring his batman lovey. yes, there IS such a thing. and there may be a lego darth vadar waiting for him when he gets home.

but what is involved: a hospital, a hospital gown, anesthesia, time away from me, and probably fear for him. actually, probably a LOT of fear. oh, and nothing to eat or drink until afterwards.

have i ever mentioned that breakfast is big h's favorite meal? um, yeah. it is.

Monday, April 13, 2009

bottom line for all you guys out there (or women who don't care about the details) -- we're not moving.

ok. got that out there.

it has been a good week. and a rough week. i have grown. my husband has grown. my children are pretty much oblivious. but that's a good thing.

all of last week, buz and i got more and more excited about the possibility of moving. i started wrapping my brain around a new life in a new city, making new friends and doing new things. and honestly, i think i was really ok with it. some might even say i was excited. i even took down our refrigerator magnets. that is big.

we looked online at homes. you'll be glad to know that i was able to find out that there WAS a gap. whew.

so we decided it was important to drive there and look around before we (buz) gave the official "yes."

so friday after buz got off of work, we picked him up and headed there. yes, we missed Good Friday service. but we had a feeling the Lord was right there in the car with us as we picked up Chick-fil-a.

we got there and drove to where buz would work. very nice. then drove to on the border for some take out. we brought our dinner back to our room and had a little picnic. big h and goo thought they were at disneyland. then, we got back in the car and drove around to look at houses.

wow. nice houses. houses that were way too expensive for us. oh well. there was always tomorrow.

then, saturday morning, we had a fabulously healthy breakfast at mcdonald's where big h and goo were appalled that breakfast doesn't come with a toy. the nerve.

we started driving around, and looked at house after house. that we didn't feel good about. not good at all. and we drove around for a LONG TIME. we got out at a neighborhood park to let the kiddos play. and then got back in the car. drove around some more. kept not feeling right. with every house, the feeling of "not right-ness" intensified. finally, we did what any good parent would do to relax. we went to chuck e cheese.

oh my.

why? why would we do such a thing?

while we were at that establishment, i got a message from a friend that i hadn't seen in....now that i think about it, i have NO IDEA when i saw her last. we had sent facebook messages back and forth. she's moving to new city. and was currently in new city at her parents' house with her children while her husband was currently moving their stuff.

perfect. it was awesome spending some time with her. big h and goo got to play with her oldest for about thirty minutes while we talked.

we all got back in the car and got ready to head home. they were asleep in 6.4 seconds. which was perfect. buz and i needed and wanted to talk.

and talked, we did. the entire way home. and that whole night.

the next morning was Easter Sunday. and between our HUGE DECISION and the rain, i didn't have time to stress out about taking pretty Easter pictures of my children. don't worry. i'll take them soon. just didn't feel the need to do it sunday morning. which was a huge load lifted. funny how we(i) stress about such petty things sometimes.

we dropped them off at their classes, sat and had our coffee, and headed into the service.

and i proceeded to "almost cry" the entire service. you know the almost cry, right? where you can't sing the songs because you're almost about to cry? where you can't look at your spouse because if you do, you'll cry? where listening to the pastor makes you almost cry? yeah. see? you know the almost cry. that was me the entire service. the service which, by the way, ROCKED.

we picked up the kiddos and headed to the car. and buz began to talk. and talk. and say, "so, i feel like something happened in the service today. i feel like i have such a peace about NOT going."

and at this point, i was crying the quiet cry. the cry that is quiet so that your kiddos don't ask what's wrong.

so the ride home was quiet. very, very quiet. we were almost home when i said, "would it help to know that i feel the exact same way?"

somehow, big h and the goo played together in the living room by themselves. which is an Easter miracle in and of itself.

buz and i talked and talked and talked. about how we both felt the Holy Spirit spoke so loudly and clearly to us during the service. we both felt the exact same way. that it wasn't a good decision to move.

and that was that. we talked about it all day and both continued to feel the same way. that God had something big in store for us. HERE. that we were actually taking a bigger step of faith to stay here. to make some bold moves. to stop taking things and people for granted.

and buz has officially turned down the job.

and i won't lie. Satan has been in rare form around our house. making us feel like we made a poor choice. making us think that we can't do it here. making us think that we won't change anything here. making us think that we won't make a difference for Christ. here.

and it's been tough.

but you know? there is NOTHING more attractive than my husband following Christ and leading us.

grrr....

and so. we're here. ready to make some changes. ready to cherish things and people that are important to us. ready to say "yes, Lord." here.

Monday, April 06, 2009

well, i've got to get this out while it's weighing so heavily on my heart.

buz got offered a job.

out of town.

and before i go any further, let me say...i realize this is a WONDERFUL predicament we've found ourselves in. to have a job and another offer. i am VERY aware of this. and wanted you to know that i am VERY aware of this.

doesn't make it any easier.

where to start. buz found his name on a headhunter's list at one point. and has never taken it off. without giving too much information, we would love to be a *tad* more financially secure. period. we don't have a future of having too much money or even being "well off." but we would love to be more secure than we are now.

so buz got a call a while ago about a job out of town.

went on the interview. came home and thought, "probably a lateral move." we didn't think too much of it.

got a call end of last week. got the offer. not a lateral move. a little more $$. as buz has said, "enough to give us a bit of a cushion but we will continue our very conservative lifestyle."

fast forward to now. we are a MESS.

an absolutely Jesus-needing MESS.

yes, we've gone through pros and cons. and our scale doesn't weigh heavily to one side or the other.

there are so many things going through my head right now. would you like to hear them? you would? ok. thanks.

brace yourself. it appears that i've lost the ability to express coherent thoughts. bless my heart.

i have friends here. lots of them. not lots as in "i can't keep 'em all straight" or "i don't remember the last time i didn't have plans."

but friends like, "um, bff...my husband just had a heart attack. what do i do with my 2.75 year old and my 3 week old?" and her response being, "hello. bring either or both over. period." friends to eat dinner with. friends to celebrate life's moments with. friends that make you happy just by seeing their face. friends who you probably don't know as well as you think you do, but you love being in their presence. friends who you call when you pick your kids up from school and say, "we're coming to your house to play. hope that's ok." friends that serve with you. friends whom you barely know but feel like you're walking through life with.

but let me tell you about each one of these friends. i haven't seen any of them in a while. because my kid goes to preschool every day, and her kid goes on tuesdays and thursdays. and who wants to get out on a saturday or sunday when your husband isn't working. or she lives south of where i live and her kids go to a school way further south than where i live. or life gets busy. period.

not to mention, we're about to enter into a whole new season with big h. the K word. yes, i've got issues. i can't write PT, and i'd prefer to not write out the K word either. let's just say it's the beginning of elementary school. (for the record, as i'm writing elementary school, i have tears in my eyes.) and big h will be going to the school just down the street from our house. and won't know a. single. soul. and if we move, he won't know a single soul. so what's the difference, right?

big h had two teachers last year at preschool that i'm *pretty sure* goo will have next year. let's just say that they changed big h's life. and mine. and i want goo to experience that too.

but who's to say new city won't have an awesome preschool too. where goo will learn about Jesus just as often.

my parents. let's just leave it at that. my parents will NOT live in new city. which means they will not be able to come over in an hour for braum's hamburgers. and my kiddos will NOT be able to just head on over to nana and papa's for a sleepover whenever.

but this job? it moves buz into a new area of work where he will learn a ton and it will open doors for him. that wouldn't be open now. or here.

cost of living is lower. praise Jesus.

smaller town. praise Jesus.

but smaller town means fewer Gaps. don't judge. i really don't go that often. but the option is there. which is funny. i really don't shop that often. i just like knowing i can.

hi, i'm petty.

will big h and goo be sad? goo honestly won't care. as long as she can play outside and be with big h, i'm not sure she'll know any better.

big h, on the other hand, will get it. and will be sad. i mean, he's only 5.5, but he'll be sad. and i know he'll get over it and move on and make friends and do great. but he'll be sad that things are different. little man doesn't do so well with change. (of course, nothing this wouldn't cure.)

oh, and it's not illinois or iowa. sorry, nicole and angela. if it was, i think we wouldn't think so long and hard about it. it's actually hotter and more humid. honestly, that sentence alone should seal the deal for me. because have i mentioned here that i DETEST hot weather???

but i can't get brave and courageous Ruth out of my head.

"Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God."

granted, i know she was referring to her MIL, but i love her commitment. and i have that commitment to buz and his provision for and protection of our family.

we've been at the same church since before we were husband and wife.

we've brought both of our children home to the same home.

we don't know a soul in New City. (i've said that one before, right?)

oh, and as i've aged, it seems i've lost my friend-making skill. i'm not as social as i once was. and when buz and i go to a party (side note: when have buz and i gone to a party lately?), we are very comfortable sitting in the corner with each other just being together. and so that brings a lot of fear. we can't do life alone. but what if i've lost my ability to make friends? good friends?

hi, i'd like to introduce you to Insomnia Janet. Nice to meet you.

house on the market? make it clean? get rid of clutter? oh my.

oh, and look for another one? buy another one? move into another one? oh my.

so, again, i realize in the grand scheme of life, my petty, little worries aren't as huge as i'm making them. but please pray for us. that we will be able to discern God's will for our lives. that we will listen to Him. that we wouldn't make this decision by ourselves. and that our decision would be made clear. because wow...we need us some clarity.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

i hope my in-laws have an awesome time laying by the beach, playing paddle ball, and possibly catching some rays. and honestly, i wish it was buz and me at the beach.

buz and i are watching kindergarten cop right now. oh my. it is SO MUCH FUNNIER watching it now that i actually have a five-year-old. hysterical. (oh, and emma? reminds buz and me SO MUCH of goo. "i'm not a policeman, i'm a princess.)

big h got to take home some toys from school yesterday. when i went to pick him up yesterday, he told me that he built boba fett's spaceship out of these blocks. and he was so excited to show me. and his teacher whispered to me, "go ahead and take them home tonight. let him show you." and she said to him, "big h, bring these back tomorrow. but show your mom all of the things you can build with these." and big h? was BEYOND EXCITED. the whole day and night, he just kept saying, "mom, mrs. s. said that i'm the only one who has gotten to bring anything home from school. and she said i was really good at building spaceships." and i thought about buying some for him for some special occasion. but for the life of me, i have NO IDEA what they are called. if any of you know what they are, they are these triangle things that fit inside each other and stack. anybody?

also, it is IMPERATIVE i find a certain commercial on you tube. because i've been thinking about it NON STOP, and i want to see it again and laugh. and laugh. and laugh. it's the one where the kid in the back seat keeps saying, "hey mom, hey mom, hey mom." and the mom turns around and says, "what, what, what! gosh! see how annoying that is?" please. help me. help me find that commercial.

buz is taking a couple of days off because his parents have been here. um, i wish we could win the lottery. because you know what? i LOVE hanging out with him. i love doing things together. i love the afternoons with him. and this friday? while big h and goo are in school? i have five hours with my man. tough call. a three-hour lunch? a movie? both? cuddling on the couch with a cup of coffee watching the today show? who knows? sky's the limit. one thing i DO know. i am going to be really, really sad come monday morning.

we got the school pictures back. (will scan soon.) so much fun. and shocker...goo didn't smile. i love that girl.

today was such a fun day. it started with grandma and grandpa getting to come with buz and me to take big h and goo to school. goo just ran into her class and didn't even think twice. big h, on the other hand, introduced them to EVERYONE. so fun. then, the four of us went to starbucks and just spent an hour hanging out. when it was time to get my kiddos, we played outside for a while and then went by the pediatrician's office to get big h's immunization record for tomorrow's KINDERGARTEN orientation. well, LORD HELP ME. i will definitely be a weepy mess come september 1. we went to the park with daddy. and when we came home, we fixed dinner and ate it outside. it was such an awesome day.

on the PT front, let's just say i'm not giving up. we're not going back to diapers. ever again. they are gone. out of sight. but i WISH we could. because...i'm being honest. i miss diapers. so much. i miss the convenience of them. and i SO wish i didn't have to do SO MUCH FREAKING laundry. whew. she's not there, by any means. i mean, she's getting there. but she's definitely not there. and one of the most trivial things about this whole process? don't judge. but i REALLY MISS DRESSES and i REALLY MISS JEANS. but right now, they really don't work. she just can't wear them. but i miss her in them. i wish she didn't have to wear elastic-waist everything. so there you have it. with big h, we had a sprint of a journey. with goo...well, it appears that it's going to be more of a marathon. but i've got endurance. i can do this. (and she stayed dry at school today. VICTORY. (granted, she wizzed in her pants 2.5 minutes later outside on the playground. that's my girl.)

(and for the record, i still constantly want to share details. and really...no one wants to know about your child's urinary or bowel habits. seriously. and you would NEVER guess just how many pictures i've taken of my daughter's little tush in her skivvies. oh my.)

oh, it seems that president obama and i are related. facebook says so.

i'm going to make my mom make this skirt for goo. i'm pumped. really pumped.

hmmm...i think that's about it for now.

it's ok. admit it. you want to eat her for lunch. i know. i do, too.

you might be wondering why i don't take more pictures of big h. i try. i really do. but when i get in his face, this is what happens....