My blog will be a place for all to come who wants to see how to change and advance their lives. I am a single mother who has looked death in the eyes. Now I am dedicated to improving my health and develop wealth. I will be sharing my day to day ups and downs. Give insight into inner me and show how I can change anything that tries to stalemate me. In addition to this from time to time you may find some valuable information. I hope to touch lives, give inspiration, and create an area of interest to readers with my trial and tribulations.

01/27/2010

The other side of Reality... A once known stripper thanking God....

Today is a day of remembrance for me .As I move forward in my journey. I don't look back with regret though. I am happy with what I have done. Even if it wasn't what everyone wanted me to do. I learned much and know; what I am blind to see can hurt me.

I spent 11+yrs working as a stripper. As some of ya'll know from my previous post! During this time I faced many hardships and upsetting times. I didn't feel though that there was anything I could do about it. I lived life as it was. I didn't worry much about others and their upsets. It was me... And ONLY ME! Too many people assisted me in this ignorant thinking pattern by trying to build me up with money... Based on my looks. To only try and take something from me that I was / never will give up; My values.

This morning, on the way to dropping my children off to school, a conversation arose, regarding the teenagers who sit and smoke outside of my eldest sons high school. I then mentioned that I once was on of those kids to them. I said "well I know their pain and struggles as I was one of those children." My daughter was so astonished. As she just realized. I was a young idiot. Her mouth dropped to the floor and she said "how could you?"

Because, I vowed years ago to change the legacy of my children's life, I don't sugar coat things. I don't lie to them. It wouldn't be fair. I feel if you lie to your children you are given them rights to lie to you.

So, I sucked in some air as I thought of a quick explanation to help them understand. I decided to reiterate what it was like growing up in a home were beatings were common and love went unnoticed.

I touched on two separate topics (in which we've discussed many times before)

1. How my mother stopped showing interest in me (years previous to my use of tobacco) by no longer looking at the straight A's I used to bring home (by looking at my report card).

2. How confused I became after my own step-father put a gun to my head (because I had a Black friend).

It was then that I said, something to the effect of, "not having someone care enough to watch you succeed no longer makes you want to succeed."

My daughter's words are now bringing tears to my eye's (and I don't know why cause I am happy to be here right now today!)

She said "that's so sad mommy." I said, "No it isn't, because it taught me much. And one of the things it taught me was to never let go / give up on you all. I've learned to love you more." My son got out of the car with an "Ilove you Mom" liked I'd not heard him say in a long time.

I am proud. I am happy and I am relieved to have felt what it was like not getting love like I think a child needs to be loved. I used to be angry. Frustrated. Mad at the world. How could one get so much more than I? This feeling stayed with me for years. Until someone special came into my life and changed how I felt!

The years I spent as a stripper were many... But I'd easily say ... it wasn't to many. Yes, the money was great! I was one of the best dancers around! I had woman who hated me for the money I made, the attention I got, and the way I walked around as if I were the only woman alive. I won't mention which place of business (it's not even located in the same state as I reside) but to this day they still have me on their website as an entertainer in their club. Even though I haven't worked their in almost five years. Yes! That's how good I was. I wasn't a feature girl though. I was a house girl. The establishments that gave me a position though were very happy they did. Because I didn't do what most did. I did what I came to do... MAKE MONEY. Don't get me wrong I drank and dabbled in other things but I was very discrete and admired for being such. But that's another blog! HA HA

See even though I was a dancer I held onto something that I believe was instilled in me by a higher power what I like to call (GOD)...

I had values and I couldn't let a drink, man, money, or anything else take that away. They tried hard to lead me astray but another value I have recognized within me is the ability to be a leader and not a follower. So even if I did hit a bump in the road and catch a flat tire. I would always stop and change that tire so I may move forward.

My values they won't change. They make me change. I've made mistakes but I don't regret em. I look back on life an say each day IF I HAVE ANOTHER LESSON TO LEARN TO MAKE ME STRONGER, WISER, A BETTER PERSON>>>>> THEN TEACH ME!!!! I won't falter and I won't fail.

You see the other side of reality for me is love. I love myself now. It took a long time for me to learn how but I do. Funny thing is I was so much more beautiful on the outside than I am now. You see I have been sick for the last few years. I was diagnosed with diabetes, high blood pressure, and IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). But my brother was recently diagnosed with Crohns disease and so I too have to under go testing for it as I have the symptoms of it too as well as cancer cells that were detected in my body. But never mind that (that is another blog... I will touch on it soon!)

Although, I am not as pretty as I was then, I love myself as if I were. So being on the other side of my reality is a blessing and I'm thanking God today for making it all possible. I could have been lost in that world of mine; but I wasn't! Thank you God I can't thank you enough for making all this possible!

I have so much more to accomplish! By faith I believe I have just enough time here on earth to do it in. It's my intentions to show each and everyone of you who follow me how possible anything is! See I ask that you follow me but in essence I don't see you as following "me". I see you as following inspiration.

I honestly believe one of many reasons why I am here & now writing is so viewers can see what life has done / will do to & for me.

I don't believe that I have the answer to all of life's woes. Or even that I know it all. For one thing I do know is that I know nothing at all. I'm just passing along situations, instances in life, and personal experience.

So I ask you continue to read my posts because I wasn't JUST a stripper. I did many other things.... things you will learn about over a course of time! In these things not only did I learn my own life lessons but I was given insight into many other areas of life. I honestly do feel as if I can assist in some way unknown... simply by sharing!

If I can help, touch, or teach one person. Then I've done what I believe god wants me to do and what my heart desires!

With that said remember----

"Wise men learn by other men's mistakes, fools by their own."[--H.G. Bohn--]

Love you All! Have a Great Hump Day!

P.S. Thank you to all the people in my life whose made this possible. You know who you are! I love you for that. And I will never stop thanking you!

Comments

Hello Carmen,

thanks for visiting my blog and your comments. I´m now following you on typepad. You´re a fan of paris hilton like i am. I´ve read you story above, it´s very moving. But to read this can also give people the strength to manage difficult things in their life.