Does God hate me? A Walk in Darkness….

Eyes wide from the terror that they feel, the impact of the bullets
slam into their bodies. The hammering of the machine guns and resounding
gunfire snap me awake. Cooper fills my mouth and I realize I am bleeding again.
In a daze, I push myself up from the floor. “I
must have been searching for cover.” My head aches, my throat is scratchy
as if I had swallowed all the sand in the Mojave, I wipe my mouth with the back
of my hand and notice that blood stains it. “Fitting.
My hands are covered with blood.” Half stumbling, I make my way to the
bathroom. I lean on the sink counter and quietly count to ten. One thousand one…one thousand two…

I turn the handle and water rushes into the sink, cupping my hands I
hungrily gulp the water and swish to get the congealed blood to loosen in my
throat. Accidentally I look in the mirror, and I don’t recognize the man before
me. Tears fill my eyes and I hastily look away. “You’re a monster. Kill yourself, you know you don’t deserve to be
here.”

Choking up, I let out a heart-rending sob. “Why did I come home? Did God bring me home to punish me for my sins?”
I fall to my knees and tears flow from my soul. Laughter birthed from sorrow
and anger rack my body. “My hands are
stained with blood, and my soul is stained with tears. Where does it end?”
Drying my hands off, I walk to my ten-dollar recliner and plop down. The quiet
hum of the AC unit breaks the silence and dark thoughts seek an entrance into
my mind once again.

The blue PlayStation controller is sitting on the right arm of the recliner,
out of habit, I reach for it and power on the game console. There is no
enjoyment in conquering another level of Elder
Scrolls Online, it is routine. It is
only a distraction from the thought that resonates in my mind.