this writing teacher of mine told me that writing on a keyboard is different than writing longhand because you're using both parts of your brain, as opposed to one-handed writing in a notebook. so in my (left-handed) case, logic can intervene here. there you have it: no fooling around.

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p.s. did you know there are lyrics? some kind soul has… well, i’ll let the article speak for itself.

(From the New York Times, May 31, 2006)

James Conway Sr., 78, a Founder of Mister Softee, Dies

James Conway Sr., an entrepreneur whose company has been delighting the taste buds, if not always the ears, at this season for the past half-century, died on Sunday at his home in Ocean City, N.J. Mr. Conway, a founder of the Mister Softee ice cream company, was 78.

The cause was cancer, said his son, James Jr., vice president of the company, now based in Runnemede, N.J.

With his brother William, Mr. Conway began the business in Philadelphia in 1956, developing it into a multimillion-dollar concern. Mister Softee is currently among the largest franchisers of ice cream trucks in the country, with more than 600 trucks in 15 states.

Even more memorable than the company’s soft ice cream is its jingle, played on a music box and broadcast through a loudspeaker atop each truck.Once heard, the song is not soon forgotten. For some listeners, it heralds summer. For others, it recalls childhood. For still others, it constitutes a form of torture.

Written in E-flat major in jaunty 6/8 time, the jingle was created by an advertising agency in 1960 for the company’s early radio campaigns. Though the trucks play only an instrumental version, the tune does have words:

The CREAM-i-est DREAM-i-est SOFT ice CREAM

you GET from MIS-ter SOF-tee.

FOR a re-FRESH-ing de-LIGHT su-PREME

LOOK for MIS-ter SOF-tee….

James Francis Conway was born in Philadelphia on Oct. 30, 1927. In 1949, he earned an undergraduate degree in business from the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania and afterward served in the Navy during the Korean War.

With his brother William, Mr. Conway later went to work for the Sweden Freezer company, which manufactured ice cream machines. On St. Patrick’s Day 1956, the brothers put one of the machines into a truck and drove it through Philadelphia, giving away green ice cream. And so they went into business, at first as the Dairy Van. Mr. Conway, the company’s vice president, retired in 1998. William Conway, the president, died in 2004. The company is now run by the two men’s sons.

In 2004, as part of a proposal to strengthen New York City’s noise code, city officials tried to still the voices of ice cream trucks throughout the five boroughs. Outcry ensued.

Last year, the city and Mister Softee reached an agreement, which covers all ice cream vendors, under which the trucks may play music only when they are in motion.

okay, this is three months late. but it’s also one of the greatest daily show segments i’ve ever seen. i was at this bar the other night where a terrible drag queen was making fun of a lady from kent, and i felt foreign because i don’t understand the stereotypes associated with kent, or if there aren’t any and i was just dealing with a sub-par comedian with no material. i would hate for any of my northwestern colleagues to find themselves in a similar situation, so consider this “what people in the northeast think of people from long island 101″*

okay. the comments on my review keep rolling in. they’re getting less hilarious and more depressing. this last woman was pretty sure i don’t have kids– good inference, crazy lady– and compared transgenderism to bestiality, which she spelled BEASTiality, and i’m gonna guess that’s either because she’s a brilliant wordsmith, or because of rampant peabrainery. hey crazy lady, rick santorum called, and he wants his asinine argument back.

so, this is making me sad. and i have a favor to ask. if you have a second, go to the book’s page and write a bad review, or go to my review and write a comment. just like, “thanks for calling our attention to this shitty book for crazy people! i am not crazy.” the thing is, this is not for my ego, i promise, it’s because right now, the crazy people are winning and it’s sad. i don’t really think the majority of amazon users think that homosexuals exist to sell five-year-olds into slavery, but right now it kind of looks that way. and, again, it’s making me sad.

also, a word about the word “crazy”: i do not claim to be a neutral, rational member of the general political conversation. that’s why i’m not an editorial columnist. i’d lose my cool too much. but i do understand the point that name-calling doesn’t do a whole lot to advance a rational political conversation. so normally, i try pretty hard to follow that rule and not lose my cool (or, you know, not talk about this stuff in my blog at all). the abstinence-only argument, for example: i 100% completely disagree with that, but i think the people who are in favor of it are just really misguided in their ideas about sex education. however, if you think that homosexuality is a deviant behavior, that homosexuals are trying to recruit children into an army, that their goal is to destroy american families, that’s bigotry, pure and simple. it’s an absolute, like racism. and that degree of hate is crazy. it is. it’s just plain crazy. so while i realize it may seem a little silly to get all uppity about someone calling me a brainwashed moonbat, then turn around and call him crazy, there’s a fundamental difference between he and i: i am right, and he is wrong. homosexuality, bisexuality, and transgenderism are not wrong. they’re just not. so, in conclusion, if you want people to stop calling you names, stop being a tiny-minded douchebag.

all right, time for something more fun.

SPEAKING OF CRAZY!

you know how i hate to jump on a bandwagon, but when it comes to the “somebody throw glenn beck in a river before he accidentally blows up america” bandwagon, i drive that shit on alternate tuesdays. case in point: i am in americorps. i get paid a hilariously tiny stipend to teach inner-city teenagers how to read. my other friends in americorps do things like help kids get college scholarships, work with runaways, make digital films with youth on a reservation, and teach art. in other words, according to glenn beck, a communist militia whose purpose is entirely military. (also, barack obama is apparently a cross between saddam hussein and hitler. but that’s nothing new.)

sorry to occupy so much of this blog with news of crazy people responding to my amazon review, thereby implying that there’s nothing else going on in my life,* but when someone opens their response to something you wrote with the words:

YOU POOR BRAINWASHED MOOONBAT

…you kind of have to let the world know. i must say for this guy, he has a way with words. if only he would use them for good and not crazy.

You poor brainwashed Moonbat. This book reveals the truth about the homosexual/liberal agenda. Destruction of the family is the goal. Homosexuality is dangerous to the health of the folks that engage. Dangerous to their physical and mental health. And the homosexuals should not be recruiting 5 year olds.

you may have noticed that the moniker has had a rather profound lasting effect on me, and this blog. please let me know if you think abandoning “good grief” in favor of this much more colorful title is a bad idea… and if, in doing so, you come up with an equally evocative name to call me, all the better.

*there totally is. in fact, i actually have some biggish news. it will have to wait, though- read on.

With the alarming increase in bisexuality among our youth, I would say that Dr. Grossman speaks the truth. We can see the results from radical, liberal indoctrination over the past 40+ years now culminating in rampant bisexuality, homosexuality, etc. in our youth. Also, I believe that many who call themselves “liberals” are truly sexual deviants, who, besides having degraded our educational system, want the parents to butt out then have our laws changed in order to have easier access to our children. It reeks of sexual perversion and needs to be stopped! How many teachers can we now count that are having sex with our babies??? Disgusting! Stand up for your children! Don’t let these perverts indoctrinate your kids!

first day of school, losers. at the big pep rally/assembly, as per tradition, there was a dance-off to determine which class is, in fact, the filthiest.

and since, as i’ve mentioned before, the dance that’s all the rage right now is the jerk, the annual dance-off became, you guessed it, a jerk-off.

it was funny.

p.s. they almost did the stanky legg too, but ran out of time. from what i’ve heard, the origins of the term “stanky legg” are far more vulgar than an unfortunate double entendre like “jerk-off” could ever hope to be.