A Party For Jackie

Jackie’s memorial was held at a winery high in the hills of Saratoga. It was a beautiful setting with neat rows of vines that stretched into the distance, sprawling views of the Bay Area, and an incredible amphitheater that hosted a 100+ concerts last year. As Heather and I drove through the entrance we noticed a sign that read:

“In Concert Tonight – Weird Al Yankovic!!!”

Heather and I had to smile. Jackie, we imagined, would have laughed and said something like, “Of course on the day of my memorial there’s a Weird Al concert. It couldn’t have been something classy, now could it?”

We made our way to the outdoor spot where the memorial was to be held and saw a large crowd was already gathered. Jackie had specified that she wanted her memorial to be a party and not a gloomy affair, so her family asked that guests wear “bright, cheerful colors and your most fabulous shoes.” With this in mind Heather wore a cute dress with birds on it and a pair of high heels that she complained about almost immediately (but kept on for Jackie nonetheless), and I wore the purple shirt and tie that I’d worn to Maddie’s memorial. They were a more vibrant color than my other shirts and ties, and besides, it just felt right to wear them.

Jackie’s father opened the memorial by mentioning the winery was one of Jackie’s favorite places, and that, before her diagnosis, she’d said it was where she hoped to be married one day.

Mr. Oswold went on to give a wonderful speech full of stories about Jackie, including one where a smitten Parisian hopped off his bike and proposed to Jackie after seeing her walking down the Avenue des Champs-Élysées, dressed to the nines.

The most powerful and emotional moment came, however, when Mr. Oswold read a note that he’d found between two magazines in Jackie’s apartment. In it Jackie spoke eloquently about her feelings – her anger over what had happened to her, her fear of dying, and her concern that her illness would make her a burden on her family.

Jackie also wrote about how deeply she felt that people should not smoke! This got a laugh from the crowd, but Jackie made a great point I hope everyone hears: cancer is such a horrible disease (something Jackie knew firsthand) that no one should ever court it by smoking. It is not worth it.

The note ended with Jackie addressing her deepest worry: that she would only be remembered as the woman who had cancer, and not as who she was before her diagnosis. It was heartbreaking to hear, and I hope that Jackie knew that there was nothing cancer could have done to her that would’ve made us forget the amazing person she was.

Mr. Oswold’s speech was followed by equally moving ones by Jackie’s mother, sisters, and brother. The incredible love and deep feeling they all expressed for Jackie was palpable to everyone and it was impossible not to shed tears along with them.

Next, three friends of Jackie’s spoke, each of whom was selected to represent a facet of Jackie’s life. There was a dear friend and co-worker who spoke about Jackie’s work life, a friend from San Francisco who talked about Jackie’s life in the Bay Area, and Heather, who shared memories of Jackie’s life in Los Angeles at USC and living in Hermosa Beach. Heather did a tremendous job and had people laughing through their tears. She even got everyone to raise their hands and make USC’s “Fight On!” gesture in honor of Jackie. Everyone did it – even the sizable contingent of University of Washington, Cal, and Stanford fans who never would have under normal circumstances – and Jackie would have appreciated that, I’m certain.

Lastly, there was a moving video showing photos of Jackie from throughout her life, from adorable little girl to the beautiful woman she grew into. There was even a photo of Jackie holding Maddie, a touching sight that made me cry for the umpteenth time that day.

When the video ended the winery fell quiet for a few moments. Everyone, I think, was emotionally drained. But Jackie wanted a party, not a funeral, and so that is what happened next. Jackie’s friends and loved ones enjoyed appetizers, desserts, and drinks as they mingled in the beautiful setting she’d loved so much. It was the party she wanted, and anyone who might have happened by us surely would have been able to see:

28 Comments

Jenn says:

Thank you Mike for posting this. My thoughts were with you and Heather the WHOLE day. I wondered how the day went and regreted that although I didn’t know Jackie well, I was unable to attend her celebration and hear all about her life. I’m sure Heather did an amazing job!! I cried when you described the letter Jackie’s dad shared. I’m sure it probably made everyone cried.

Please know I am here for not only Heather but you as well as you deal with your grief. I know no one could EVER take Jackie’s place but I do know many people care for you guys and are here for both the good and the bad!!! I know this too be 100% true b/c I am one of those people who adore and care for yourself, Heather and your family. If I could take your hurt away….I would – in an instant but I know I can’t but I CAN be here for you guys day and night and that is exactly what I intend to do!!! xoxo

Wow. I can’t even begin to imagine that you didn’t make Jackie very proud. What an amazing celebration of life. I have been following this blog here for a few years and will never forget Jackie, both the woman she was and the champion for her cause she became. Thank you for sharing her with us.

Lindsay says:

I’m glad Jackie took the time to grieve what was happening to her (as that letter shows). It’s just so damn unfair. It broke my heart especially to read that her memorial was held where she wanted her wedding to be. Cancer is so, so cruel.

I thought the same thing! I know that winery well–been to plays there…and weddings. To hear that Jackie had wanted to marry there and instead her last celebration was being held there truly broke my heart! Cancer is, indeed, cruel!

Lindsay says:

I’m glad Jackie took the time to grieve what was happening to her (as that letter shows). It’s just so damn unfair. It broke my heart especially to read that her memorial was held where she wanted her wedding to be. Cancer is so, so cruel.

suzanne says:

Beatiful, beautiful, beautiful. She deserved that wedding, so at least you all gave her a party. I love the story about Paris, and the note is heartwrenching. It brings home what a bright future and big heart she had, and how much she had to contribute and did in fact contribute.

Thank you Heather and Mike for updating us when it must be so hard to say anything. Your readers have been thinking of you both and of Jackie and her family constantly. I have not commented on her passing because everything I write seems so useless. I visited her caring bridge site and read some entries — what a loving, positive person, and what a void she leaves. All anyone can do is try to carry on — I’m so sorry for your and Heather’s loss.

Krissa says:

Thanks for writing this, Mike. Some of it was hard to read even for someone like me who never met Jackie. It’s very moving and emotional. At the beginning though, I actually thought “Are you kidding me” about that Weird Al concert. … I can’t even imagine the loss you’re feeling right now. My grandparents have all passed, but that’s expected in life. I hope you guys can get some rest soon. My sincere condolences to you and all Jackie’s loved ones.

Oh, Mike. How beautiful. Again, although I’ve never met you, Heather, or Jackie! you’ve been in my thoughts and prayers. You and Heather take care of each other and may Annie keep you laughing through your tears.

I am so sorry for your loss, particularly to you Heather. I’m sitting here in tears after reading this beautiful tribute. And I’m sure a small part of it has to do with the fact that your dear friend and I share a name. But it just made me think of my own college best friends and how much I rely on them still, nearly 20 years after we first met. I don’t think there is any friendship quite as strong as that between women who went through college together. It forms this indelible bond that’s impossible to break. My thoughts are with you and Jackie’s family during this incredibly difficult time.

This brought tears to my eyes. It sounds like the service went just as Jackie envisioned, and you certainly paid tribute to the amazing woman she was throughout her life, not just after she got cancer. I’m just so sorry you were going there for her memorial service instead of her wedding. Thinking of you.

Trisha says:

Chris says:

Jackie sounds like she was a wonderful woman and so very loved…..I didn’t even know Jackie, but am bawling like a baby reading this. I would only wish that when I die, I’m loved half as much. Oh, and Cancer can suck it!!!!

Glenda says:

I didn’t have the honor of knowing Jackie! in real life. I met her through Heather here in this blog. I admired her courage and bravery. The way she lived life with a purpose. She was a beautiful person inside and out.

Cancer sucks! I lost my mom to that monster. I say FUCancer!

It hurts to read that she had her memorial / party / celebration of life where she wanted to someday have her wedding. That breaks my heart! It sounds like the party went down exactly how Jackie! wanted.

Molly says:

Thank you, Mike, for sharing some of the details of Jackie’s celebration. The Weird Al thing seems almost fitting, after reading so much about Jackie (through you, Heather, and Jackie herself)…
I can picture her walking down the streets of Paris dressed to the nines & wonder why only one man was smart enough to drop everything and propose.
I’m so glad her friends and family were able to celebrate her life together in a beautiful place (I know it well)…but to hear that she had wanted to get married there just breaks my heart! She deserved so much more!
And that letter that she left! I can only imagine that there was complete silence or sobbing as that was read–what you shared from it left me in tears and I’ve never met Jackie. But I do know that I can guarantee that her friends won’t remember her only as the friend who died from cancer, because I’ve never met her, but through your & Heather’s writings and pictures, I “know” a well-rounded woman who will be greatly missed for all of who she is.
Another thing that is clear: Jackie is greatly, greatly loved. What a legacy she lived & left!

TamaraL says:

That was a beautiful description, Mike. And even though I never met Jackie, when I do think of her, I promise you that cancer is not the first thing that comes to my mind. Because of they way you and Heather have always wrote about Jackie, her spirit, her effervescence, her love of life…those are the things that come to my mind.