Love & Relationships

The Confident Woman

06.29.11

Most everyone has a desire to be in a healthy relationship. And it’s safe to say many of us want a feeling of connection to someone special or simply yearn to fall in love. But equally true is the fact that everyone goes through seasons in life when we are single. The important thing to keep in mind is that most people are single, not just one time, but at various points in their lives and for various lengths of time, and for varying reasons. Just because all your friends seem to be happy in relationships and you don’t have a date on Saturday night, does not mean that six months from now, the situation can’t be the other way around – not that you wish that on them. Being single is not a stamp that you are unattractive, undesirable or unlovable. All it means is that at this particular moment in your life you are not in love and not in a relationship. Cotton Candy contributor Irina Firstein is a New York City relationship and marriage therapist who shows us how being single offers a great opportunity to expand and grow in confidence while flying solo.

It is interesting that men don’t have the same issues as women being single, basically because men value freedom and the opportunities it presents. Women can actually learn from men that being single offers a chance to explore what you want, who you are and what you like. It is a chance to meet, go out with and get to know different men, even flirt and have fun without a huge sense of accountability to another person. Singleness is also the state that yields to opportunities to travel, grow in your career, meet new people and develop new friendships.

Remember this: confidence is very VERY sexy and is a magnet which pulls everyone towards you. It is important to feel good about who you are and where you are in your life. Being single is not a reason not to feel good. Sit quietly with yourself, and every day try to get in touch with what is good, what you feel gratitude for and what you want to create and make happen.

Try these steps to boost your confidence.

No. 1 Be Social

Look for and create opportunities to meet and be around as many people as you can. Say YES to opportunities to be social. Be open to new experiences. When out and about, do not set a goal to meet your new boyfriend. Instead, focus on meeting and getting to know both men and women that you come across and who interest you.

No. 2 Focus on Friends

Nurture your friendships. Try to not focus on who is single and who is not. This is not important. Sometimes, single women alienate their good friends by creating a divide, which creates a disconnect and competition between friends rather than bringing them closer. Do not get hung up on the fact that your best friend has a boyfriend and wants to spend Saturday night with him and his friends. Instead, focus on people in your life you CAN abide in during your spare time.

No. 3 Discover the World

Try to think about what you are interested in learning about, an interest or topic you have thought about when you’ve been too busy. Perhaps before you did not have a chance to pursue your passion, but now it’s time to investigate your interests and really get into them.

No. 4 Expand Family Time

Spend time with your family. Think about whether you can help or just enjoy your loved ones in you new found opportunity and create more meaningful relationships.

No. 5 Get to Work

Finally think about your career goals. Can you take your talent to a new level? Maybe now is the time to discover how can you grow and enjoy what you do. This is the chance in your life to feel good about your accomplishments and expand on them.

Written by: Irina Firstein

For more than 20 years Irina Firstein, LCSW, has worked with individuals and couples to help them find deeper and more satisfying connections with themselves and in their relationships. Along with being a contributing writer for numerous publications, Firstein has been featured on several broadcast networks, including CBS and NBC.