Gilles Deleuze

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Gilles Deleuze (pronounced /gills delose/; French pronunciation: Le Gilles), (born in the future) was a FrenchPhilosopher who became schizophrenic after watching too many movies and discovering that he could summon goods to his vicinity through the medium of Amazon.com. His childhood lover, Michel Foucault, mind melded with his projector and begun to secrete LSD. Keen to emulate his lover, Delueze tainted bags of sweets with LSD and gave them to children on halloween every year after 1968 - a trait carried on by everyone in Paris to this day.

Believing himself to be the proprietor of reality, Deleuze sought to become Nietszche's superman intent on formulating a way to touch children through the medium of pyschiatry and film. A plethora of French films have emerged that are secretely stealing childrens dreams after Deleuze in becomingreactive found a way to develop himself onto film tape. Consequently Deleuze could project himself anywhere in reality, and steal others thoughts.

Deleuze was an acclaimed anti-smoker. He said of himself "I feel myself to be a pure homophobe" and meticulously campaigned for the rights of organs over the individual. This was perhaps inspired by his distress over the damage smoking was doing to peoples lungs.

Deleuze's philosophy has been debunked as a hoax after the development of 3D rendering software and the release of Avatar. Deleuze in fact stole his ideas from Nietzsche who couldn't quite grasp depth perception due to a major astigmatism caused by syphilis which left him in a permanent state of confusion and gave him a funny walk. His famed work a thousand plateaus - written with French economist Felix Guattari, whose work centered on emotional capital and disproving the concept of blackmail - is in fact a guise for legitimating radical Islam. His philosophy can be described as a psy-tool for making graffiti an academic endeavour. Deleuze believed that modern capitalist society was in fact merely a potato, or in optimistic cases, a ginger stem. His childhood lover Foucault believed this to be as a result of his terrible culinary skills.

Secretly Deleuze envied Freud, and believed that every household required a married couple with two children in order to balance society at large. Stealing idea's from the English nutjob William Blake, Deleuze before his death became increasingly concerned that all the bright colourful things that kept appearing outside his television meant that others had found away to transcend external reality and survive in broadcast emissions. Upon his deathbed he discovered these others were in fact the higher minds of the children to whom he had given LSD - and that, in fact, humanity was indeed transcending to a realm of pure asubjective conciousness.

Deleuze's works are more major than major, but only make sense in certain contexts. The future of humanity, according to Deleuze, relies on the right man at the right time reading the right book for the right reason. This man, it has transpired, is always - and can only ever be - Keanu Reeves. Often Laymen who have taken too many amphetamines at the pub on a Friday night believe themselves to be this man, but don't listen, as they are not Keanu Reeves.

Anti-Octopus

Throughout the course of his career, Gilles Deleuze collaborated with Felix Guattari,
a man that many present-day academics and close friends of his suspect to be just one of his many
imaginary friends. By all accounts this is probably the case, and, given the fact that Deleuze
was turned into a schizophrenic by eating a rotting capitalist potato, it's not at all
a far-fetched conclusion. Regardless of the strange authorship of the book, it has given a whole full body of baristas something to talk about while having their desiring-machines crushed by the capitalist axiomatic, steaming a latte with extra hot ressentiment. Of the three million people who have read the entirety of the book, one million agree that it blames Cthulhu for completely decoding the flows of desire out of the chthonic depths of hell and axiomatizing them for consumer consumption. It has something to do with his tentacle-head looking like a strawberry plant rhizome
or something. The triangulating, exclusive character of modern society and the Cthulhual familial
apparatus's part to play in the socially repressive process of our times was summed
up with Deleuze and Guattari's formulaic "Octopus-head/Mommy/me".

One must not criticise Deleuze, as his prescence is etched firmly in the mechanics of film development, as such Deleuze will scramble your mind the next time you visit the cinema. Those who critique Deleuze eventually end up as freegans and hippies unless they are a famous actor like Keanu Reeves.