Listen everyone.
The number one rule in cleanliness is: "Wipe thoroughly!"

Fuck, my own
personal belief is that one should shower after every
bowel movement! Otherwise you're gonna be itchin' and
diggin' at your ass for the rest of the day, and you don't
want that. Hell, somebody might take a picture of ya!

Photo
by Normal Bob

Okay, now
what did I just say? If you skip the soapy scrub you'll
be itchin' in the mud.

I don't know
what's worse: Walkin around with your hand down the crack
of your ass, or grinding on a hand railing.

Oh nevermind.
The votes are in, and clearly the guys elect the railing-hump.
Yeah, they're all looking at something really interesting
just to the right of her. Right.

Photo
by Normal Bob

C'mon, what's
with the shirt dude? This isn't the freakin' auto show!
And XYZ, Cowboy! Christ, have you totally given up on
ever having intercourse again?

Photo by Normal Bob

Now there's
a mullet worth staring at! Even those people to his right
seem inconvenienced by it.

You know what
I hope for? I hope one day in the near future Timberlands
& mullets will be thought of as a package deal, like
Fauxhawks & flip-flops or Chelseas & Docs.

Photo
by Normal Bob

It's always
so calming to see a group of meditating yogis showing
us that even in the big city harmony can be... Wait a
second? Who the fuck does that kid think he is? Fucking
Kung Fu?

Listen Pubes,
no one is impressed that you know how the arms are supposed
to go while you listen to your gay ass "Ocean Sounds"
on your iPod.

Jesus Christ,
I want to put those New Balence sneakers on my hands and
clap his ears with 'em.

Photo by Normal Bob

So I'm just
sitting there on the step when this lady leaps in front
of me with her swamp ass and starts waving her hands up
in the air and screaming for her friends who she sees
off in the distance.

Her friends
must be blind and deaf because she yelled and waved for
a good 46 seconds before they spotted the lavender and
reluctantly made their way to her.

Photo by Normal Bob

Then they
all changed into these outfits, formed a pyramid and handed
me their camera so that I could take a picture. I said
I would as long as I could take one with mine too.

They told
me it was a bachlorette party or something, then I started
thinking about how these girls believe in the concept
of marriage, then how appropriate it all seemed.

Photo by Normal Bob

So yeah, I
guess I hate loving couples at the moment. They walk around
showing public displays of affection, gawking at the lonely
people and rubbing everyone's face in it just because
they can! "Your life sucks and ours is beautiful,
and you'll never be happy because you're not as pretty
as us!!!"

Okay. "Huff
huff!" I'm done.
Sorry about that. "Pant"

Photo
by Venessa Nina

Shhh, listen.
What's that I hear behind the cellar door? Why, it's the
Jagermeister elves and their coming up from the basement
of the bar to take you to Drunken Dreamland!

Oh sweet Drunken
Dreamland, where lonely nights are wiped clean from memory
and there's no one to wake up next to who's gonna bitch
at you for ruining her one night out with her friends.