Proper Etiquette– You Dumb Fuck

Let me start off by saying, pardon my dirty French both in the title and in this article. I really feel the need to express how important proper dinning etiquette goes when you’re in a public restaurant.

1. If you have children, keep them under control for a multitude of reasons. When you have little children running around a restaurant mixed with servers who are carrying trays 60+ lbs over their heads it becomes a very seriously dangerous situation. If, though, that isn’t enough convincing for you it’s just down right FUCKING RUDE when your children are disturbing other customers. Along those lines of rude, why has it become so common that if there are children at a table, there will be a fiesta of food, scraps, shredded paper, and dishes under the table. YOU ARE NOT FUCKING PIGS, YOU’RE PEOPLE NOW START ACTING LIKE IT. Is it genuinely that hard to control your children? If it is, maybe the money and time you spend going out and making everyone else’s life miserable you could apply to parenting classes, as it’s clearly needed.

2. When you’re staying in a servers section for more than a half hour after your food has a arrived. You either need to do one of two things. Get the fuck out or begin adding an additional 2 dollars for every half hour your remain. Why you ask? Because you stay for an additional hour thats four additional dollars to the tip. Had you left, that server could have made another 10-20 dollars. For those of you who are thinking “If I’m buying my food I should be able to stay as long as I want”. On a night where nobody is hanging around, yes, I would agree. But when there is a wait for other customers, you completely FUCK over the server who 100% depends on your tips. A servers paycheck at the end of two weeks is… drum roll… less than 30 dollars. So you would like to stay in a servers section for an extensive amount of time and not pay, sure, but I hope you leave with a guilty conscience that their bills wont be getting paid you ass hat.

3. Sometimes a dining experience can be ruined by food taking too long, a rude hostess, alcoholic drinks taking too long, etc. Please be aware that the server has absolutely NO control over this. A server does not control how fast a cook operates, a server has no control over how slow a bartender is, and a server has no control over anyone else’s attitude except for their own. If a server has been nice and honest about the whole situation there really is nothing else they can do but request if you would like to see a manager. They do not control if your meal can be comped from your bill. They do not control if you get a discount. This is all out of their hands, so instead of raising your voice at your server, request to see the manager and explain your frustrations with them. It will get you much further than being rude or mean.

4. Large Parties. I’m not sure where to begin with these, as they really are the most frustrating. It is inevitable that if there are more than 10 people a small detail will most likely get screwed up, nobody is perfect. Please be aware though that only 1 server is only capable of doing so much in a short amount of time. You just ran out of a drink and you want another? I’ll gladly get that for you in just a minute. It’s when large parties begin to get angry and frustrated because they aren’t getting everything right away. You have A LOT of people, it will take longer for your food to come out, be fucking patient. If you didn’t want to wait so long for your food, then next time split up your party like we recommended. When a server is working with a large party they are working 2-3x as hard as they would with 3 small tables to ensure everyone is happy and satisfied. With this being said, TIP YOUR FUCKING SERVER more than 10 or 20 fucking dollars. Larger parties take up a servers whole section and take longer amounts of time, not to mention take additional work. If you can afford an extravagant dinner, you can afford a reasonable earned tip.

Servers in a restaurant often look out for one another. They also handle your food and will always remember a real dick wad. Come into the restaurant again at your own risk, but just because your not sitting in that servers section does not mean you’re face isn’t remembered. I personally have never traumatized a customers food, but I know many people who have.

I work hard to go to school and pay my bills. At the end of my shift of being on my feet running around for 8+ hours I have blisters and blood all over my feet EVERY shift. I have burns all over my arm. I get cut at least twice. My shoulder has a welt from the trays and my knees are so swollen by the end of the night I can hardly bend them. Think about that the next time you go to a restaurant.