Send In The Old Guys!

Please remember throughout this post, it is meant to be humorous – don’t anyone be offended – have fun with it!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military – but they’ve got the whole thing backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, They ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join the military until you’re at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year olds think about sex every ten seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. “My back hurts! I can’t sleep! I’m tired and hungry!” We’re bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some terrorist a**hole that desperately wants to go to ‘Paradise’ anyway will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Beside, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m up already, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB.

If captured, we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank and serial number would a real brain-teaser!

Boot camp would be easier for old guys… We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house and away from all the screaming and yelling!

They could lighten up the obstacle course however…. I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with a rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do push-ups after completing basic training.

Actually – The running part is kind of a waste of energy too…. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet!

An 18-year old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave or start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists…. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million hacked-off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them!

Old sailor on the hunt.

HEY!!! How about recruiting women over 50 …. in menopause?! You think men have attitudes? If nothing else, put them on Border Patrol. They’ll have it secured the first night!!

Send this to all your senior friends – make sure it’s in big enough type so they can read it!

Contributed by Trooper Gilbert Wells and published in “The Voice of the Angels” newspaper of the 11th Airborne Division Assoc.

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About GP Cox

Everett Smith served with the Headquarters Company, 187th Regiment, 11th A/B Division during WWII. This site is in tribute to my father, "Smitty."
GPCox is a member of the 11th Airborne Association. Member # 4511 and extremely proud of that fact!