It's not easy. It's actually quite difficult. There are times where I've wanted to give up but a glimmer of hope shined through the darkness. Here I am today sharing my experiences in the hope that you will find comfort and strength. It's not hopeless. We spouses, girlfriends, etc are not alone.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

What if?

**Forewarning: This was written on pure emotion and lack of sleep. Pardon any grammatical errors or ramblings that may not make sense.**

But, what if?

The "what if's" can haunt you. My husband struggled with a lot of "what if" moments for awhile. "What if I had took his place on that mission?" Or "What if I had stayed on the phone with him a little longer?" Going through therapy, treatment, and Reboot have helped him leaps and bounds.

Now, it's my turn.

This past weekend, the father of my daughter passed away in a tragic car accident. Oddly enough, I've been consumed in so much grief I don't understand. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel so bad? Then came the "what if's." "What if I had stayed with him?" And "what if I had done more for him?" Talking with my dad gave me a lot of clarity and helped me understand. There's nothing I could have done to prevent the accident. Had I stayed in our toxic relationship, worse could have happened.. But I can't help the way I feel.

I tried so hard to help him battle his demons. I helped him get started on his VA paperwork. I forgave him constantly for his behavior. I kept going back to him because he made me feel bad.. I didn't want my daughter to come from a broken home. Little did I realize, it was broken before she came into it.

I had his parental rights terminated so that my husband could adopt our daughter. That decision was made based on the desire to give my daughter only the best and keep her safe. At that time, her bio-dad was not in a good place in his life. He had threatened to commit suicide and also threatened to kidnap my daughter. My husband had been the only dad she knew since she was 6 months. After long, careful consideration, her bio-dad agreed to sign the paperwork. I promised him that I would stay in touch with him, send pictures, and schedule occasional visits.. I kept my word. My husband and I slowly wanted to rebuild a healthy relationship with him so that my sweet girl could get to know her biological father. The last time we had seen him alive was the first week of December 2015. He had confided in me that he was having a rough time. My husband and I did our best to inspire him to do better and invited him to spend Thanksgiving 2016 with us. Prior to that, my husband reached out to him asking me him for forgiveness, forgiving him, and extending his friendship to him. We had such high hopes for him to get better.

From the sound of it, I did what I felt was best. I tried my hardest not to cause any pain or harm to him while still keeping the welfare and well-being of my daughter a priority. Leaving him was hard but I knew good and well that it needed to stop. I moved on with my life but he thought I was coming back. I didn't. What if I did?

There is no telling what could have happened. Maybe things could have gotten better. Maybe they could have gotten worse. Who knows? Only God.

My thoughts: I don't regret my decisions. It hurts, but I did what I thought was best. The "what if's" can take over you. It is up to you to choose to make the most out of your life.

Prayer: God, help us all to understand the master plan you have for our lives. Help us to accept our decisions and choices. Give us the strength to make it through the tough obstacles in our life. In your name, I pray, amen!