Hi everyone, I need some advice here as I don’t want to make the same mistakes in my life.

My ex and I broke up 2 months ago. I’m moving on but am struggling with whether I should really forget him or not. I’m 21 and I’ve dated him for 2 years since I was 19. He was 3 years older than me. This is my first relationship and it was his too. We love each other a lot and our chemistry (physical and emotional) is amazing. Even after we’ve broken, we can hold long and deep conversations with each other; conversations where you don’t feel like putting down the phone; conversations that never ever bore me. Honestly, I’ve never met anyone who I could talk to like this. We’ve struggled a lot these past 2 years though and have broken up twice due to those same problems, my demanding and controlling behavior (he dumped) and our poor communication skills (I dumped). The breakups never lasted more than 2 days though.

My ex dumped me as he couldn’t take the pressure I gave him. I was demanding, as I couldn’t communicate what I truly wanted properly. I was also controlling as I wanted him all to myself and didn’t understand that he had his own life to live too. I also avoided talking about the problems we had as I didn’t want to think our relationship had problems. When he did try to talk to me about it – that he was tired from work (he just started working), and couldn’t spend as much time with me (we hung out 5 times a week) and that we were meeting but it was counterproductive as we weren’t doing anything and he felt drained, I cried and argued with him till he gave in.

All these time he continued to give in to me and put in effort to make me happy. I thought everything was fine. I tried to give him more freedom by asking him to tell me what days he wanted to meet every week but he felt he was being controlled. Again, I argued. One day, he told me he felt like his love for me is dwindling and he can never make me happy and that maybe I was better off with someone else. I agreed and we broke up.

However, I have since realized the faults I had (my poor communication skills, my controlling behaviour, my tendency to make him my only source of happiness in life etc) and his faults (his communication skills, his tendency to be over emotional and his lack of empathy and generosity). I have gotten help for it (counseling) and I truly want to change and I must say I am definitely making progress. I learnt to accept others for who they are and try to understand them. I practice my listening skills with my friends and family and I feel calmer as a person. I’m still working on finding my own happiness in life. Everyday I tell myself that I don’t want to make the same mistakes and let the person I love down. We’ve both failed each other.

I went out with him the other day and I can tell he’s struggling. He initiated physical moves on me and we made out. While it was great, I didn’t feel much. However, from what he told me, he’s not ready to try things again as he is still trying to regain his individuality and learn. He says he wants to be alone. He also felt very demoralised and felt he can never make any girl happy. He felt unattractive and he feels he can’t be attracted to anyone else. He told me that I’d probably find another guy soon and I’d look back and think this is for the best, but he wouldn’t be able to find any girl he would want to be with as much as me. He also told me never to give him another chance unless he does something drastic to win me back. But I don’t need that, I just need him to work on himself too; to equip himself with relationship skills (I didn’t say that to him). He told me that he could tell I’ve moved on because I never asked to fix things, but I never asked because I feel I’m not ready yet and that I have to change more in order for things to be different in future. I told him that there also isn’t anything to push me to want to try again. He obviously isn’t ready either.

Anyways I have decided to stop contact fully, but I feel that I really do love him and want things to work in the future when we’ve both matured. I’m confused because I’m afraid I’m feeling this way only because he is my first. I’ve always felt like he was the one, but there was something missing – that when there are problems, I don’t know what to do or how to fix it! I know I can meet someone else but I honestly don’t want to. I love him. But yet, I’m afraid that we are really, ultimately incompatible and that we are just not meant to be; that what we had was actually broken from the start and the same things will happen again. Are my thoughts just clouded and naive? What do you guys think? Do we have a chance at a brighter future? I know that we’d cross paths again, should I shut the door on him?

I think you’ve taken steps to better yourself,which is great, but remember that you can only choose to change yourself, not others.

This was both of your first relationship, and believe me, you will learn SO much from subsequent relationships. But for now I think you need to both move on. It sounds like his confidence is low, and I don’t think you can give that back to him. I think you could both do with some space, maybe even to the point of trying a new relationship… and if you’re meant to be, you’ll find each other at much better points in your lives 🙂 OR you’ll find someone better.

My ex and I broke up on excellent terms when I was 22 because I wanted to move to Asia. We were both still deeply in love and we couldn’t imagine anyone else could possibly compare. Then 18 months later I found FI by chance, and he has completely exceeded my expectations. In fact, looking back I could see that my ex weren’t all that compatible at all, we were just clouded by hormones etc. Maybe you’ll have the same experience?