Headlies: Brock Lesnar Vs. “Broken” Matt Hardy At UFC 200

Las Vegas, NV – After days of speculation, rumors, and false reports, UFC officials have announced that WWE Superstar and former UFC champion Brock Lesnar will be taking on none other than Matt Hardy.

UFC President Dana White unveiled the blockbuster match with both competitors at a press conference in Las Vegas.

“We want UFC 200 to be the biggest event of all time,” said White. “Unfortunately, we couldn’t finalize a deal with Godzilla’s people. Or Dracula. Or Bigfoot. No one would return our calls, so we had to think outside of the box. Who is more outside of the box right now than Matt Hardy?”

Hardy sniffed a rose that he had brought with him and then gave a wide smile seen only in Disney cartoons and insane asylums. He opened an app in his cellphone that allowed him to play the piano while addressing the throng of reporters.

“Dearest Dana is quite correct,” said Hardy, swirling a glass of brandy. “It is I, Matt Hardy, who shall take on the Beast Incarnate in hand-to-hand combat. It is I, Matt Hardy, who shall devour the beast, thus becoming the beast myself. It is I, Matt Hardy, who needs his parking validated, lest I pay full price. I really can’t afford that and the Paradise Buffet.”

Hardy then inexplicably barked like a dog and bit the head off of a plastic baby doll before continuing.

“Brother Brocko. We fought with each other and against each other. All of your success. All your riches and fame are because of me. It is because of this that I shall give you a thrashing not seen since Zeus himself slayed the mighty Titans. Despite having no roof, there will be no escape when you enter the octagon with me. At UFC 200, Brother Brocko will know what true pain is.”

Evidently also the X man Wolverine was out busy dealing with an Apocolypse. The Avenger the Hulk was last seen flying away in a jet of some sort and was reported as crashing in the Indian ocean. Superman couldn’t be reached for comment, still busy with Batman and Wonder Woman. The Hurricane (with Mighty Molly) has retired so the only person left is Mad Scientist Beethoven Matt Hardy version 2 . something something. Brock was last seen laughing so hard on the floor of a Whole Foods he was found dead mere minutes later. But Dana White assures us he will be fine and alive in time for the upcoming match. They have sent him to Tahiti. It’s a magical place.