John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Yes, your life is different after important people die, but you can take actions to help yourself. (Published 8/6/2013)

Q:

In early 2007, I lost my dad to cancer. Then in June of that year I lost my 44 year-old brother, also to cancer. My mother died of brain cancer in 2009. I watched my mother take her last breath. Things were happening too fast for me. I really didn't know what to do or why was all this happening to me so close together. Someone said the hurt will go away but you will never forget. I need to ask you, will the hurt go away, because it still hurts today just like it was when they die? I used to be active but since mom and dad and my brother died, it seems like life isn't the same anymore. I just stay home don't go anywhere. I miss them so bad.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Judy,

Thanks for your note and questions.

When we have important people in our lives die, one after the other after the other, it can be like waves of the ocean pushing us under, and then again and again. It can feel like you're drowning. It is not something we can be prepared for and it tends to overwhelm us beyond belief.

And the truth is, your life isn’t the same anymore, it has absolutely changed for you since all those important people died.

Many people report, like you do, that the intensity of the pain feels as strong today as when it happened. The primary reason that the pain persists is because most people don't know what to do to help themselves deal with what the death[s] left emotionally unfinished for them.

Please go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you will find positive changes happening for you.

We can’t promise that the pain will go go completely away, but we can tell you that as you take the actions in the Handbook, the pain will reduce and allow you to retake a productive place in your life.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.