Tuesday, September 27, 2016

It's been almost a year since the last time I posted. A lot has happened. I wanted to start blogging again, but felt like I couldn't until I got this out.

2015 was a hard year for me. I have a deeper understanding of a lot of things, myself, and the atonement of Jesus Christ.

March of 2015, I was 10 weeks pregnant. We were so excited, we couldn't wait to meet our baby. But I miscarried while we were away on a perfect vacation. I wanted to deny it, ignore what really happened. So for awhile, I was okay. I didn't think about it. I just tried to go on with life without really accepting it. I kept thinking, if we just would get pregnant again, I won't have to deal with these feelings. We didn't get pregnant right away. Month after month it became real. I cried. I grieved. I didn't get out of bed. I ignored work. I ignored friends. And I hurt. I hurt so deeply, and wanted so badly for my body to do what I wanted it to do. The months continued on, and I slowly stopped crying every time a new pregnancy was announced online, invitation to a baby shower or when I saw a pregnant woman at the store. I prayed for the pain to go away. I prayed that we could get pregnant again.

It happened! In September 2015 I got pregnant! But before I went to my first prenatal appointment, I miscarried...again. It was hard...again. Everything that I didn't process the first time, came along for the ride this time. I was sad. I was mad. And I was done. I wanted to make changes in my life, yet I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to spend time with friends, yet I didn't want to leave the house. I felt anxious about everything and nothing at the same time. I had panic attacks.

2016 came and I was SO ready to put 2015 behind me. I tried to have a new perspective, and I tried to have a positive attitude. But I was also feeling so differently than I had felt before. Nathan and I talked a lot about what I was feeling, how we could help me. We tried to be happy with how our life was right now. We prayed more. I received more priesthood blessings. I tried to be patient. Around March, I started to feel a little better. I was wanting to go out more. I was feeling happy again. I realized that something inside of me hadn't been right. I didn't realize that I had been struggling with situational depression, or adjustment disorder. (This short article explains it better than I can if you're interested.) I felt so much relief admitting that I hadn't been okay. Then, during a blessing on Easter Sunday, I felt this burden literally lift from me. I was me again. I felt so happy. I felt hope for the future.

I know that a lot of people have struggled with the same things that I went through. It's not talked about...I don't know why. Miscarriages happen far more often than I knew. Without the support of my husband and my faith, I'm not sure how I would have handled everything, I'm sure it would have been even worse. I am so grateful for God's plan for me, everything works out eventually. Lessons are learned, empathy is gained, and you are made stronger.