What are David Cameron’s last-minute promises for Scotland to vote ‘no’?

Scottish National Party leader Alex Salmond (left) and Prime Minister David Cameron (er, not left)

On Thursday, voters in Scotland will decide if they wish to remain part of the United Kingdom. What is British prime minister David Cameron offering in a last-ditch effort to secure a vote against Scottish independence?

– A repeal of the law requiring Scots to donate blood for English schoolchildren to drink

– An end to the custom of automatically mocking Scottish colleagues as soon as they leave the room

– Exclusive rights to use North Sea oil reserves to fry food

– A change from the current British tourism campaign “Scotland: Not As Miserable As You’d Think”

– The Queen’s agreement to stop transforming into the monster Grendel and terrorizing Scotland during harvest moons

– An order for the creepy 300-year-old English soldiers posted at the border to finally stand down