Citizens of planet Earth yield to their new masters: snow

The citizens of Planet Earth, consisting of an estimated population of more than 6,700,000,000 people last night ceded their right to executive power over the planet and hailed snow as their new supreme overlords. The surprise announcement comes after several weeks of wintry conditions which have brought transport systems and the mechanics of every day life to a standstill.

“The latest invasion began last night in London at approximately 10pm GMT,” an ashen-faced Prime Minister announced outside Downing Street this afternoon. “Their arrival was as silent as it was deadly.

Our new leaders

“By doing the last thing we expected – which is to say, falling from the sky and basically lying about a bit – snow has completely compromised our way of life, and for that reason, we must respect that snow now has dominion over us.”

Although some have criticised the military for not developing a strategy to contain the snow, others have pointed out that any such gesture would be a futile one. Colonel Henry Johnson-Smythe, insists: “Ever since we first became aware of the threat, following last February’s appalling atrocities, we have tried to develop a super heater to counter-act the effects of the snow – but it just wouldn’t work in practice.

“I mean, have you ever tried sitting under one of those things in a pub during winter? They burn half your shoulder off if you aren’t careful.”

Even more disturbing are reports that the snow is growing stronger and more intelligent. Mark Eavsham from Surrey reports: “I came home the other night and found the snow in bed with my wife. It had cooked her a lovely meal, cracked open my best bottle of vintage wine and had been going through my CDs. When is all this going to end?”

Although scientists are at present unsure when any of this will end, many bookmakers are taking bets that it will most likely be in the summertime. Popular opinion has it that that the nation will unexpectedly grind to a halt at some point in July owing to a frank admission from the government that the Sun is suddenly in charge following a four-day heatwave.

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