I swear I don’t have anything against the City of Jacksonville. But it seems to bring out my best pork for some reason. The first 3 reporked Oddysseys are all Jacksonville games.

This one speaks for itself. Sorry Jacksonville…

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The Porcine Oddyssey #98:

Dolphins @ Jaguars

10 Things you didn’t know about the Jacksonville Jaguars

The Dolphins take on the Jacksonville Jaguars this Sunday which is an ideal time to educate you on some things about Jacksonville and the Jaguars.

*No bacon was harmed during the making of this blog post.

Jacksonville was a Soviet Satellite:

People are always surprised at this one. At the height of the Cold War in the early 80’s the Soviet Union invaded Jacksonville and declared it part of the Soviet Union. The invasion actually unified our Country.

On April 14, 1983 President Ronald Reagan delivered one of his most famous speeches to address the invasion. In his speech, President Reagan looked at the camera and said

“Where is Jacksonville anyway?”

This brought the Country together. People of every race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, national origin and citizenship looked at each other and shrugged…

They shrugged together as one country

When they figured out where it was, Jacksonville was deemed too insignificant for a counter-attack by the United States.

Luckily for Jacksonville a team of “Wolverines” led by Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen and Green Beret/Soulman C. Thomas Howell led a rebellion to take back what was theirs! As a result of their heroic efforts “Pain Don’t Hurt” in Jacksonville. This is how Jaguar fans make it through the NFL season every year.

2. Jacksonville was Named After Fredwilbur Jackson:

You probably thought Jacksonville was named after President Andrew Jackson…Nope! Naming a city like Jacksonville after a President is silly. That is historical and stuff. You have to read to really understand history and no one can read in Jacksonville. So don’t be as stupid as the people of Jacksonville and believe it was named after Andrew Jackson.

The truth is, Jacksonville was named after Fredwilbur Jackson. Who is Fredwilbur Jackson?

Fredwilbur Jackson holds the world record for sticking the most pencils in his ears.

There is not a lot of information on Fredwilbur out there. He was reclusive on account of never being able to hear his doorbell ring. But he left us with this. When Fredwilbur was asked how he became so good at sticking pencils in his ears he said:

“I live in Jacksonville, what else am I going to do with my time.”

The record is a great source of pride for Jacksonville. The city changed its name from “Just End it Already City” to “Jacksonville” when Fredwilbur broke his record.

3. The Jaguars’ Mascot is a Pervert:

Everybody already knows this one. Jaxson De Ville has been arrested over 114 times for indecent exposure. Most of the time, the arrest follows the same pattern. Jaxson takes off all his clothing and climbs into the trunk of your car to do whatever perverts do naked in the trunk of your car.

If your lucky, you might open your trunk and Jaxson will pop out naked and flee the scene.

But if not, he slips away before you catch him. The only way you know he was there is because he leaves a dead hooker in your trunk.

This is why it is well known that if you are ever asked about a dead hooker in the trunk of your car, the best way to answer is to say:

“Hey did you see that stuffed jaguar jump out of my trunk”

4. The World’s Largest LED Screen is in Jacksonville and You Believe What it Tells You:

You may have heard that EverBank field has the largest LED Screen in the World. Which is impressive and a great way to force people to watch what they otherwise don’t want to look at.

What you may not know is that the screen sends secret messages to everyone who stares into it. These subliminal messages are used to convince Jaguar fans that they are winning.

For instance, Jaguar fans think they beat the Carolina Panthers last week by a score of 56-3. Its worse for season ticket holders. They believe the Jaguars are the first team in NFL history to “threepete”. If you hear a Jaguar fan yelling “let’s go for four!” while smothering himself with pudding, you know that he is under the spell of the big TV, albeit I can’t explain the pudding…

You are free. Now the big TV will only send truthful messages to you. See what I did!

5. They’ll Eat Your Puppies:

You might remember that Jacksonville beat the Dolphins 62-7 in the 2000 postseason once. This was Dan Marino’s last game.

This dubious moment left Jacksonville perplexed:

How can we do something as equally disgusting to honor this achievement?

To celebrate an achievement like this you might think contracting herpes is enough. But everyone in Jacksonville already has herpes – so they can’t do that.

Instead the disgusting people of Jacksonville have a puppy eating festival. Once a year in Jacksonville, no puppy is safe.

The event draws in a lot of celebrities like Michael Vick, who would otherwise prefer to snort his own poop than go to Jacksonville.

There are no rules on how to cook the puppy or whether the puppy has to be cooked at all. But the puppy must be adorable and at least one child must cry during the festival.

This way, every year the people of Jacksonville get to remember how disgusting they really are for sending Dan Marino off with a 62-7 loss in his final game.

6. Pools/Bad Plumbing, What’s the Difference?:

EverBank Field has pools in the Stadium! Pretty Cool right? Wrong! Those people are swimming in their own urine.

When Everbank was being “renovated” they had some plumbing issues that caused what is known as “backup”. So you know, cut a corner here, cut a corner there – “We have pools in our stadium”

Ever do the backstroke in your own urine? To Jaguar season ticket owners the answer is “Every Sunday”

7. The Owner Will Sell You his Car:

Eccentric owner Shahid Khan is worth well over 5.6 billion. How did he make his fortune? By selling you his old cars – just look at him. He is selling a car in that picture!

What’s wrong with selling his cars to some one who wants to buy a car? Nothing..if the car has an engine. Before selling you the car, Khan removes the engine. The following dialogue ensues:

“Hey you sold me a car without an engine!”,

“No, I sold you a shiny car without an engine”

and in fact most of his cars are shiny, so…

But that is not how he makes his money. Khan takes the engine and sells it to aliens so they can build a weapon to destroy the Earth. All in all, Khan is not a very nice guy but he does have a fantastic mustache.

8. Blake Bortles’s New Girlfriend is Ugly

Sure, I bet you’ve seen her. But that was before Jacksonville drafted Blake Bortles. You might already know that when Bortles was at UCF he dated hot swimsuit models.

But things have changed since coming to Jacksonville. He is now completely undesirable to most women.

Now women look at Bortles like he asked them to chop lumber for the fireplace while he takes a nap. If Bortles goes to a club he is likely to leave with a drink in the face, a kick in the nuts and a lawsuit.

But Blake is known as a nice guy.

He found a woman.

And she does not vomit when he says “hello”

Here is the problem – SERIOUS DOWNGRADE. The only way I can show you is with an illustration. So have a look.

I know what you are saying: Piggy, how can you body shame Miss Smeagol like that? And the answer is: Go Fuck Yourself.

Things are about to get worse when I discuss the Sabans.

9. Nick Saban loves Jacksonville:

Its not really Nick Saban, its his whore wife who loves Jacksonville. She loves the shoes in Jacksonville. You see Jacksonville is the only city that makes shoes big enough for her whore feet.

Why are her feet so big? Well, its a little known fact that all of the Sabans were born with a disease that makes them assholes and causes them to have deformities to their feet, face, brain and testicles. I don’t know what they call that disease, and its too gross for me to look into.

Why does Jacksonville make such big shoes? Have you no humanity? Why would you ask a question like that? Would you rather that cunt solicit sex barefoot? I think if you are asking yourself this you need to rethink your moral stance on the Sabans. These are pathetic people.

Its bad enough Mrs. Saban is married to such an asshole – now you want her to be barefoot while she walks the streets of places other than Miami! What is a matter with you?

Let’s just leave this one alone and let these ogres go about their lives.

10. Bill Belichick loves it too!:

You can cheat in Jacksonville. During an NFL investigation by Ted Wells, which he was paid for in small pacific islands for conducting, the following memo was found:

“Dear Coach Belichick,

In response to your query the answer is YES! More specifically I don’t give a fuck if you cheat or not. Most Jaguars fans are dead inside and won’t know the difference.

Boobbabby Loollally Zoozzazzy! I don’t know what I am saying. I don’t even know what I am saying anymore!!! Gibberish is my chosen form of communication.

Please excuse the drool on this memo, I was shooting bug spray when I wrote it.

– Jags”

It should come to no surprise to you that Coach Belichick is happy to exploit the bug spray addicted Jaguars.

So now that you are armed with all these facts for the game on Sunday, there is only one thing left to say:

Thanks for the intel. I had a feeling Rizzi would remain as asst. HC being he held that role under Campbell last year and he knows every player on the team well as a STs coach. He also does a lot of itinerary stuff for the team. Good move for Gase.

GD, sorry the Panthers offense just seems normal in scheme to me and guys make plays. It also helps when they get the ball back over and over from their defense which is what yesterday’s game was all about. Most of their season has been about that.

As for you hope Gase is taking notes, his Denver offense set records but that was also Peyton so that doesn’t count. LOL

On another note, that post about how many times poor Brady has been hit and that’s why he’s struggled doesn’t matter to me because that’s the case with any QB. Everyone marveled at him when he basically had a tea party in the pocket for years, now it’s poor Brady is getting hit, yet RT much play beyond it.. LOL

Tim, well the good thing is Shula doesn’t try to be too cute. He sticks with his strengths, he taught Cam the same. Cam now is much better in the pocket than he was early in his career.

He’s also getting the best out of Ted Ginn and turned him into their #1 WR…lol
He’s also turned Olsen’s career around from his Bears days.
Also the OL is playing very well giving Cam a lot of time. That’s by design too with game planning, and play calling sequences.

I’m not knocking Shula but the Panthers have talent. Ginn is still a one trick pony but happened to catch 10 TDs this year. He still only had 40+ for less than 800 yards this year. This is also Ginn’s second time with the Panthers. They let him walk 2 years ago. The Panthers #1 receiver is Olsen.

Tim Knight says:
January 25, 2016 at 2:21 pm
The LBs coach is Matt Burke from CIN and DET prior to that. I don’t remember the Cowboys DB coach being mentioned.
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Tim the guy that was going to be out DL coache was the OLB’s coach from the Bears, Clintt Hurtt. Bears blocked the hire. Gase had fallback to Terrell Williams.

Jerome Henderson was rumored to be coming in as our secondary coach, but instead took a job with the Falcons. We fell back to re-hiring Anarumo.

No i was stating that because you said it was Burke that was hired to be our LB’s coach…. which not something i had said anything to the contrary about. It looked like you were missing what i said earlier, was just trying to clear it up.

getterdone says:
January 25, 2016 at 2:27 pm
Yup, and they made the most of it, hell if Benjamin didn’t get hurt, they could still be undefeated…yikes.
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I dont think so, they played too many games too closely. Let too many teams come back on them. I think they still wind up the same.

BTW what you guys think about Funchess. I kept pimping him as a possible 2nd-3rd rounder for us last year. Looks like he has turned out pretty decently for them. 5 TD’s 500yards, not bad for his first year and being down in the depth chart.

Only knock on his was his hands. For someone with his size his hands were pretty small, and people credited it with him dropping passes. I never saw anything that looked like he had bad hands in my film study. Assuming it was just smoke screen.

Eagles signed Zach Ertz to a five-year, $42.5 million extension through 2021.
The deal includes $20 million guaranteed and makes Ertz the fourth-highest paid tight end in the league. Always talented, Ertz finally put it all together over the final month of 2015.
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That’s more than we’re paying Cameron who’ll get $7.5M if we keep him in 2016. I’m sure Gase would like to see what he can do with him in ‘his’ offense.
Might be a good idea to draft a TE if he’s a BPA in a mid to later round, or add another UDFA type to develop as well.
Maybe Stoneburner will finally develop too going into his 3rd year.

I tink there is a lot to gain from taking a late round shot on Jake McGee, see my above draft mock. He’s pretty solid all the way around. I think Hunter Henry is going to be an absolute stud, he reminds me a lot of Jason Witten, but he also will require at least a 3rd round pick possibly 2nd rounder and i just feel we have more pressing needs.

Yep, Henry is likely the 1st TE off the board. I like McGee too, but would lean towards a guy like Jerell Adams who’s a decent blocker as well as a seam threat.
If he’s still around in the 5th or 6th round, I grab him.

That’s what I’m thinking. The plus on Cameron is he got thru his 1st full 16 game season. His confidence should be real good entering 2016, especially the way Gase likes to use TE’s.
TE’s take a while to develop most of the time, and Cameron is 27 coming into his prime.

BTW, meant to add that both McGee & Adams will be @ the senior bowl along with a few other TE’s that intrigue, like Tyler Higbee that was in that great scoring offense that was ran with Brandon Doughty, the QB from Davie, FL that I like to replace Matt Moore & further develop.

I have mentioned it before but i have a friend who is involved with the Senior Bowl and does a lot of the reporting from the practices and stuff for the Senior Bowl. I usually can get from him who the hot players are from the practices and who the scouts are talking about. Im also doing the meet an greet this year, and am going to the game as well. I have 3rd rown back mid field vantage point too so should be able to get some good looks at players. Problem is going to be watching all of them at same time lol. Literally every LB there this year is on my watch list.

Toying with the idea of taking a extra day off too and attending the practices which im usually unable to. Have to see but i have only occasionally gone to the practices and usually just get my practice info from my friend.

Oh okay, as it should be. Sims never rebounded from the injury he suffered week one trying to make that catch. I hope it’s not permanent because he’s a big, strong guy who can block and has receiving skills.

The S’s and CB at the Senior Bowl are a decent group too. Lots of guys i have as alternatives for us are there. DE’s is a pretty solid group too Nassib, and Oakman, Reed and Tapper are all early to mid round guys. By far though the OL group and LB group are the ones i see the most people i have been tracking for us.

Kenneth Dixon is another guy i really want to see. RB out of LaTech. He would be an adequate replacement for Miller if we can get him re-signed, IF he is as advertised and by that i mean shows well against top talent.

Titans hired Russ Grimm as OL coach.
Grimm is a Hall-of-Fame player who was once a key assistant for the Steelers. He’s been out of the league since Ken Whisenhunt’s staff got let go in Arizona following the 2012 season. Grimm has 16 years of experience coaching NFL linemen.
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Damn, Gase should’ve waited on hiring Chris Forester.

Splat Champ@senormiami
@OmarKelly do you think we’ll get some of the players you mentioned?

Omar Kelly ✔ @OmarKelly
Nah….I’d run the Dolphins like someone with balls would.

Omar Kelly ‏@OmarKelly 59m59 minutes ago
I can throw out 5 other sets of names and do that 10 more times. This team’s holes aren’t hard to fix. QB problem is. Start there
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Rolling my eyes….and he wants to have people pay for his tweets? …smh

Herd & other admins.
Please keep an eye out for new bloggers trying to post or log in here.
I sent an invite to a group of Phin fans that I’m in a spread picks pool by reg email every year.
There are about 15 I sent a detailed invite to.
I don’t know any of them by name, just their email or handle. Nor have I ever met them in person.
But I figured they might need a good outlet to blog all things Dolphins on if they get bored over the offseason.
Hope to see some of them here soon. Including ‘Zula’ the woman that runs the spread pool.
She’s great peeps.

MIKE E., HERD and others who’ve had to “dig out.”–Mike, I saw your comments on how tired and sore you were after digging out of several feet of snow. Believe me, I FEEL YOUR PAIN!! –i ACTUALLY STRAINED a tendon in my hand on Sunday putting on sun tan lotion down in the Palm Beaches!!

ON a slightly more serious note, Miami Herald columnist Barry Jackson agrees with my view that hiring offensive coordinators with NO prior head coaching experience to BE a head coach JUST DOESN’T WORK!! Tony Sparano, an O-Line coach, failed miserably in Miami and, later, in Oakland. Cam Cameron and Joe Philbin, both O-Coordinators with NO prior HC experience, also failed miserably, as did Dan Campbell, a TE coach with no prior HC experience.

Apparently, Ross isn’t any the wiser. He hired former O-Coordinator Adam Gase who (guess what?) has NO prior HC experience, either. Is this an aberration?? I don’t think so.

Since 2000, AFC teams have hired 12 head coaches who were offensive specialists with NO prior HC experience. NONE OF THEM produced an overall winning record as head coaches!! I certainly would have liked THIS TIME to have seen 2 or 3 candidates seriously interviewed for Miami’s top coaching job who have either had PRIOR head coaching experience in the NFL (Mike Smith was available) or prior head coaching experience at major successful colleges, such as Art Briles (U. of Houston and Baylor) or Hugh Freeze, who took over a moribund Ole Miss program that had won 2 games the year before he was hired and has since cranked out 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11 wins during his 5-year tenure.

I FIRMLY BELIEVE that the position of head coach requires a skill set that is somewhat different from the skill set of a coordinator. I AM NOT SAYING that coordinators can’t be successful nor am I saying coordinators can’t be the best option available under certain circumstances. BUT I AM SAYING those candidates with prior winning head coaching experience (I said “winning”) have an obvious edge over someone who lacks that credential.

NOW I KNOW ROSS HAS TRIED to hire HC’s with WINNING experience. But Ross completely flubbed his clumsy attempt to hire Jim Harbaugh. Then Jeff Fisher reportedly told Ross he wouldn’t work for him IF he had to take orders from Jeff Ireland – – a point of view that history has confirmed as a wise choice, indeed. And a choice made necessary by Ross’s too long loyalty to a proven loser (Ireland), whom he gave a raise to before firing him!

SO, after Gase is fired, let’s take a LONG look at candidates WITH HEAD COACHING EXPERIENCE, PLEASE!!!

WE TRIED TO HIRE THEM??? –Seriously, my comments were directed at the 12 hires of coaches without prior HC experience in the AFC, I repeat, the AFC, since 2000. According to Jackson (and my memory) a clear majority of such hires in the NFC have also resulted in coaches being hired with LOSING RECORDS. But, hey, if you prefer coaches with losing records, than PLEASE CONTINUE TO SUPPORT ROSS’S PHILOSOPHIES.

Yeah, your comments were directed at the 12 hires of coaches without prior HC experience in the AFC, because it fit your agenda.

We all wanted Ross to hire an HC with previous experience and a winning, but I’m not sure there was anyone out there that fit that description that was a better choice than Gase. He’s very intriguing, because he seems to have that IT factor that make HCs great.

COLLECTED ON A SMALL WAGER I had with “Mr. Patriots’ Fan” at local sports bar where I sometimes eat lunch. NO, it wasn’t on the Pats-Broncos game. It was on the Arizona-Carolina game. He boasted “Cards will crush the Panthers. –I don’t even need the 3points. I’ll take Arizona straight-up to win!” then, today, he said “did I make that bet? –I’m not sure I remember.” Eventually he paid after I suggested he’d had more concussions than Tom Brady! You should have heard the WHINING about “Gronk was interefered on the 2-point play!!!” WAH, WAH, WAH!!!

KEN; I’d LIKE TO give the new hire by Ross the benefit of the doubt. But, given Ross’s dismal record of hires, what has Ross done to EARN the benefit of the doubt on ANY HIRE?? I SAY ROSS is guilty of malfeasance until proven innocent!! –He’s STILL GOT TO “SHOW ME!”

The addition of Grimes and Jones gives the Dolphins five Pro Bowl selections (including tackle Branden Albert, wide receiver Jarvis Landry and center Mike Pouncey, who will not play in the game due to injury) for the first time since following the 2002 season when the team had seven players selected to the NFL’s annual all-star contest. Overall, this is the 13th time in team history that Miami has had five-or-more Pro Bowl selections (1971-74, 1978, 1983-84, 1986, 1993-94, 2000 and 2002).

Jones and Grimes extend Miami’s streak to 18 consecutive seasons with a defensive player selected to the Pro Bowl. Miami has had at least one representative in the Pro Bowl in all but two seasons of the team’s 50-year history. The only seasons in which the Dolphins did not have a Pro Bowl representative were following the 1980 and 1997 campaigns.

In 2015, Reshad Jones led all NFL defensive backs with 135 total tackles (106 solo) and tied the franchise record with two interception returns for touchdowns in 2015. He also posted two sacks, 10 passes defensed and one fumble recovery.

During his six years with Miami (2010-15), Jones has totaled 8.5 sacks, the second-most among Dolphins defensive backs in team history. His three career interception returns for touchdown puts him in a tie for second place in club annals behind LB Zach Thomas and tied with Jason Taylor.

OD, you think AFC/NFC matters? I mean all of them have coached in both leagues now. Which one they started off in has no bearing on anything and it really is just a way for a reporter to say see… look at this. Really AFC vs. NFC?

Way to have a discussion about football without the snide remarks. By the way Gase’s track record is as much experience as all 3 I mentioned or more at higher coaching positions. Do I know if he’ll succeed? Nope! But neither do you.

FFR WILL BE THRILLED to know that I’ve essentially completed my task of writing my “HOW TO SAVE THE DOLPHINS” column. However, family and traveling commitments will prevent me from typing it up for at least a week. But, next week, I’ll actually have a weekend off. I hope to send it to HERD for her consideration. My comments above re: hiring head coaches with no prior HC experience may be partially included in my “HOW TO” column.

Y’all have a great evening and a better tomorrow. The Old Dolfan is out.

This idea that every asst. coach on this team was horrible is… I don’t what to say about it anymore. I think fans and media get too deep into coaching staffs they know nothing about.

Gase may have some decent success and get to year 3 and have 7 new coaches and trainers etc. Is that what we’re focused on, who the DL coach is, or the asst. WR’s coach is so we can hold them accountable like we know WTF is going on there? LOL

As much as Bat likes to revel in the clown-like doom of the team lol, I revel in people thinking they know all these asst. coaches well enough to really speak about it other than their path as coaches. Nobody here watches them coach. It gets ridiculous and lowers the bar of discussion after all these years of following the league and the Dolphins. Everyone knew Dawn Aponte was taking over the Dolphins and the world next, but they were wrong. LOL

“Ignore other opinions – Press or TV, agents or advisors, family or wives, friends or relatives, fans or hangers on – ignore them on matters of football, they don’t know what’s happening here.”

Apparently it was a hoax perpetrated by Goodell & Kraft to snare the Dolphins into another trap of futility & mediocrity for the next 4 years ensuring that NE will remain atop the division while Brady becomes an octogenarian.

I am not as sold on him. I think he made his reputation as an OC when he had Manning in Denver. Manning ran that offense more than Gase did. Last year in Chicago his offense was only slightly better than the Phins. But I do know he is highly thought of. I also don’t see the logic in already counting him out. So I give him his fair shake and hope he pans out.

Don’t discount Peyton liked Gase. He felt on the same page with him. They set records together. Gase was OC when Peyton started in Denver. He gets no credit for that, but asst. coaches get credited or blamed for position performance? LOL

Think about what the last few weeks has been like for Adam Gase – sign, press conference, put a staff together, watch film to learn about the team, get with Grier and Mr. T on personnel. Oh yeah and relocate his family not being able to be that guy.

This isn’t a pro Gase post, more like what happens when a guy takes a job like this. I find it interesting at a human level, not just football.