Monday, August 23, 2010

Tomorrow is the start of a new school year for the girls. Part of me is jumping for joy that I get a break. The other part of me sees the end of our lazy quiet summer.

Rebecca is in the 4th grade. I am proud of my bobble. She is in the gifted and talented program at school. She was a few points shy of getting a perfect score on her OAA's. She will definitely be smarter than me one day. She is excited and ready for tomorrow. She even told me that she will be nice and make friends. She decided last year that she didn't want any friends. She said that everyone leaves her. And since Moo will leave her one day she figured she wouldn't give people the chance. We told her that Megan wouldn't want her sitting on the sidelines watching the other children have fun together. That Megan would want her to join in on the fun just as she joins in on the fun. So keeping our fingers crossed.

Megan is going in to 2nd grade. She's ready as ever. She was looking for her best friend Kayla's name on the desks but she didn't see it. But what she did see was another little girl with the name Megan. She said "Look Mommy! I can already spell her name right!" Too cute! This year may prove to be challenging for her. It's going to get harder. The teachers are already aware that I may have her only go half days so that she doesn't get to overwhelmed. She tries her best and that's all I ask. I think she enjoys school just so she can socialize. She is definitely my social butterfly.

So as of 8:07am tomorrow it will be just me and Lily. No more fighting over silly things during breakfast. No more arguing over who gets to watch what or who has been on the computer to long. Just the peaceful quiet of the dogs breathing and my cell phone going off to keep me company. BOY WILL I BE BORED!!

No matter how crazy the make me, no matter how many times I say you're driving me nuts. I love them. I love them for who they are, how they act and look forward to seeing who they become.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I think some days I may be going crazy. Sometimes my vision seems clouded and hazy. Other days things seem to fall right into place Those days nothing or no one can rip the smile off my face. I often wonder where I would be if i didnt have him and he didnt have me what direction would I Be facing if I had taken the other path Would I still experience heartache would I still be able to laugh its amazing all the things I having going on in my life I'm a sister, I'm a daughter, a friend, a mother, a wife When do I get to be the person thats bottled deep inside the dreamer the writer the girl with all the pride Where is she now what direction has she taken Is she happy with my decisions and all I have forsaken I'm not sure I am proud of all my mistakes All the hurts I have caused all the promises I've had to break Not by choice mind you its not im my nature to inflict pain But sometimes life is a gamble and it can drive you insane I have to watch my baby die a slow and painful death unnaturally I get to be there when she takes her final breath I'm not sure where life got jumbled in to one big crazy ball I look back on the memories I have hanging down the hall I love my children dearly equally just the same And my heart still skips a beat everytime I hear Momma as my name I got married young maybe to young some might say But I still see the love in his that I saw that Febuary day We've had our share of hardships and battles to overcome All the while my head said caution my heart told me not to run I love him for his imperfections, I love him with my entire soul He loves me as I love him without any self control In his eyes I can be myself a crazy wild girl Who loves her family dearly more than anything else in this world But despite all that I'm melancholy for things I can't explain I long to see the Rembrandt in Holland and to run with the bulls in Spain There is this other world out there just waiting to be explored Sometimes it feels like I have to settle for always wanting more I know the grass isnt always greener in Ireland or Greece But those are the dreams of the girl in me and I don't want those dreams to ceaseto be continued...LG

Looking back over the years I have to admit I've made some horrendous mistakes. Despite those mistakes I have turned those mistakes around and turned them into something good great even. I thought after Highschool I would go to an awesome 4 yr college and from there to med school. That I would live in a big city practice medicine in a prominent hospital. Eventually meet and marry the man of my dreams and maybe have kids but more likely have a dog instead. That I would live in a loft style apartment and vacation abroad. Those were my goals those were my hopes and dreams. Boy am I a far cry from that. I waited to go to school but I still went and ended up not as a physician but as an assitant. Yes I live in a big city but I've also lived in the country. In many different states. I do have a dog but I also have two great amazing kids! I am married to the man of my dreams but life with him has not been easy. No one ever said it would have been easy. So you see, with each decision we make it affects our entire future. Life is hard very hard but it is also very rewarding. I would walk to hell and back for my family. I would go thru everything all over again just to live the same life and the same outcome. I believe each day is a challenge and its up to us to accept those challenges. What path we choose is up to us no matter how difficult that decision is for us. So to whoever is reading this. I am not perfect nor is my life but my life is perfect for me and I wouldn't have it any other way! PS- ON FEB 8, 2012 I WILL BE GETTING REMARRIED, MATT ASKED AND I SAID YES! SO HERES TO LOVE, LIFE, MARRIAGE, CHILDREN, FAMILY, EARNING A DECENT LIVING, HAVING A PLACE TO CALL HOME, A WONDERFUL PUPPY DOG, AND SOME INCREDIBLY AWESOME FRIENDS TO SHARE IT ALL WITH!!!!!

To all my friends who make me laugh this is for you. To the besties in my life who have seen me do the stop it or I'm gonna pee dance this is for you.....Thank you for the laughs without you I would've lost my smile. Thank you for the giggles late at night and for NOT curing the insomnia because the giggles woke me up. (Natalie) Thank you for sledding with me on hardly any snow with a tub lid and then just pushing me down the hill cuz I needed a swift kick in the ass to get me going (shannon & alicia) Oh yea I taste shit (s&a again) Thank you for pushing me into the nastiest pond in the world with my mouth open (matt & justin) (ps hey Nat I still think they wanted us to shower together) I still laugh just on the memories. HEY "T"onya thanks for the pictures of matt snuggled up with hanna montana I blew it up and it's got a girly frame I laugh everytime I see it hehe Oh yeah and everytime I see you I laugh cause you married John and there ain't nothing you can do to make me not laugh at him. Jamie well girl I laugh at Mr Mom Jr after he took the happy pills and at the waterslide, the mudslides, and camping trip where Lily tried to commit suicide. Shanna I laugh at Gold Star and you laugh cause you didnt stop me from dating Shaun Kirby lol Manda I laugh at using my fake nails for...... thats all I'm saying. Nellie ah Nellie the things we've laughed at. My dad's Jack Daniels, "Hanna there's a train coming" matt's ass, your ass, but never my ass nope always my chichis lol My list could go on and on But I'm gonna stop here cuz its getting hard to laugh and type love 2 you all.......muah&hugs,LG

Each day is a challenge, to keep my heart open wide, an obstacle to over come, to keep the dreams alive. A long time ago I met you, a long time ago I gave you my heart but here recently I've forgotten to keep the past and the present apart. There are things I would do over, and there are things I wish I could change but loving you is a part of me something that fate prearranged. Next month is something special, next month marks the time, that I became forever yours, and you became forever mine. I have never felt this excited to make it to this milestone, our lives have changed so much yet we've managed to not permanently break up our home. We are stronger than we've ever been and yes maybe slightly crazed but no one can stop what we feel towards eachother not even some 7 yr phase. So in two years time we'll walk the path we both chose to walk before and and all I can say is I love you Baby and you'll never love me more ~LG~

These past few weeks have been so incredibly heart breaking! It makes you question what the Hell the purpose is for trying! Why fight? Why not just throw in the towel? Everybody else has given up on these children except their families and friends. The government won't award grant or research money. The doctors say it will be at least a decade maybe more til they are even remotely close to finding treatment to extend the life of these children for a few more years. There have been to many innocent lives lost to this battle. A battle their poor bodies never had a chance in hell of defeating. We as parents haven't given up or stopped holding out for hope, so why has everyone else? IT'S NOT FAIR! NOT AT ALL! I don't want to lose my child. She is supposed to grow up, get married, start a family! It's heart breaking to hear her say "I wish I could be a teenager" and tell her she will while fully aware that this will never happen. Why is this happening? The girls Pediatrician said that Matt and I need to sit Rebecca down and tell her what will happen with Megan. How do we do that? How do you tell your 8 yr old that her baby sister will die one day far earlier than she should? How do you protect your child from the worst possible thing ever when you have no clue how to protect yourself? Do you freeze your heart so there's no pain? Do you have a tap to turn off the tears? I don't want to "prepare" my Abecca for her sisters passing! Her parents aren't prepared! Is there a manual or a check list to follow, to guide you? So you don't hurt your child anymore than she's going to be hurting? This is devastating! Matt and < thought that as long as Moo didn't get really sick we were in the clear. But no, apparently she can take a turn for the worse from a simple cold? She can't have flu vacc. because her immune system is shot! Do you put them in a BUBBLE? God I beg of you, please help my babies, please help my family! We need a miracle cure because the band-aids don't or won't work anymore! Momma's love and kisses can't make this boo-boo go away for either of my girls! PLEASE WATCH OVER THEM AND PROTECT THEM! PLEASE I BEG OF YOU

There are steps we take in life, that take us down a different road, far from the one we planned on taking, one with a heavier load; We don't realize the mistakes we made, until the moment its to late, we figure things were out of our hands, and we chock it up to fate; There many moments in this lifetime, when the clouds start to roll away, when the clarity of our decisions, force us to change ourselves or stay; But how easy is it really, to leave behind all that you know, to discard the memories that made you who you are, and to uproot your life and find someplace else to grow; When you wake up one morning, unhappy with who you are, and you find yourself clinging, to that bright falling star; who do you turn to, to help undue what was done, so that your mind stops its racing, and your heart no longer wants to run; When your family doesn't really, or even truly understand, because even though they've got you, you could slip right through there own busy hands; You no longer want to be a burden, or to have any burdens of your own, when all you want to do, is leave and find a place like home; So tell me what you do, when you have finally seen the light, do you stay in the land of illusion, or do you go left or right? Make the decision for yourself, no one else will choose it for you, follow your inner person, and take the road thats best for you.

Each day I awaken with your name on my lips I rise to feel your good morning kiss. My heart beats in unison along side of yours our love radiates through me straight to my core we have had hardships and struggles these past 10 years we conquered many battles many struggles and fears, nothing has ever been able to keep us apart for long because a love like ours stays constant and strong, when I said before God our family and friends that I would stand beside you until the very end I meant what I said in each and every vow those feelings have never waivered even knowing what I know now, I wouldn't change one thing about you you are the half that makes me whole the emotion that I feel for you burns out of control I will always stand beside you resilient and proud even blind and deaf I could find you in a crowd so as you leave today to spend time out in the world know that I'll be home waiting for you your wife your love your girl! I love you Matthew Jason Rust Happy 10 year anniversary! You have never failed to make me laugh and smile and because of you I never gave up on love! Lissa Grace

There is something about watching your children sleep. There is definitely angelic about them. It's as if they are perfect little cherubs. I have been twice (actually 3 Momma luvs u Baby Boy) blessed with wonderful children. My life had little to no meaning til I had children. When I hold them, kiss them, hug them, hear them laugh, cry, even argue I smile. They are the lights of my life. They brighten even the darkest room. They are my joy! Even when we found out about Megan and what would one day come to be I have never waivered in devotion to either of my children. I love them both equally and whole heartedly. What I don't understand is favortism. The thought of favoring one child over the other really irks me to the core. Each of my children are polar opposites. If you looked up opposites in the dictionary their pictures would be sitting there as an example. I love them for their individuality and their uniqueness. But even as I write this their are people out there who still show favortism. Who am I to sit and judge them? I am far from the "perfect June Cleavers" of the world. I make mistakes along the way. I hope my children don't one day hold those mistakes against me. I hope I learn from those mistakes and am becoming a better person and parent because of them

Good friends come and bad friends go, and great friends stick by you no matter what they may know; (lol) i have the best besties in the world, yup no others can compare, they stay with you and grow old with you, and one day dye your gray hair; they listen to you laugh and cry, never for a moment think to flee, they fight with you and sing with you, no matter how off key; (lmao) they talk to you and joke with you, and cheer you up when you are sad, they stand by you and fight by you, and will box any bitch that makes you mad; (i told u i got this) my besties are the bestest, please dont you get shitty, cuz my besties are the best besties, and yours surely ain't as witty; (hehe haha) they maybe sarcastic, and quick tempered too, but they cry with me, laugh sing and dance with me, and they sure as shit aint you!!!; (insert evil laugh here muahahaha) but 4 real and on the down low, ima pretty luck chick, cuz i surely got the bestest besties, than any other bitch!!!!!! MUAH LISSA

Good friends come and bad friends go, and great friends stick by you no matter what they may know; (lol) i have the best besties in the world, yup no others can compare, they stay with you and grow old with you, and one day dye your gray hair; they listen to you laugh and cry, never for a moment think to flee, they fight with you and sing with you, no matter how off key; (lmao) they talk to you and joke with you, and cheer you up when you are sad, they stand by you and fight by you, and will box any bitch that makes you mad; (i told u i got this) my besties are the bestest, please dont you get shitty, cuz my besties are the best besties, and yours surely ain't as witty; (hehe haha) they maybe sarcastic, and quick tempered too, but they cry with me, laugh sing and dance with me, and they sure as shit aint you!!!; (insert evil laugh here muahahaha) but 4 real and on the down low, ima pretty luck chick, cuz i surely got the bestest besties, than any other bitch!!!!!! MUAH

okay due to popular demand I am going to devote this ENTIRE blog to Jamie and our/her mudslides! lol!!! Mudslides are good the best drink in the world you can drink them in the morning with this wonderful girl she is sweet and awesome her name is jamie and if the mudslides get you drunk remember her name is NOT Amy (lmao) mudslides taste great in coffee or with fudge swirled ice cream and if your not laughin right now then you aren't gettin what I mean (so corny) you can drink them in a cup you can swallow 'em in a shot and if you live in Washington you'll NEVER have to drink them when its HOT! So come freezing rain or some rare freak sunshine get yourself some mudslides and STAY AWAY FROM HERS AND MINE!!!! HA.FOOKIN.HA!!!! LissaSays loves ya SimpleGal!!!

some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same~Flavia

Is there someone in your life like that? Luckily for me I have met many people like that. I would like to say thank you to them so........... Matthew~ You walked into my life in 1993 back then you were my best friends little brother. Someone I used to wrestle with joke with and play games with. But in 1999 all that changed. I started to see you in a different light and luckily you started to see me the same way. There maybe somethings in our past that I wish I could erase. But I can't and since that we've grown and moved on. I love you more and more with each passing day and I am happy and proud to be your wife. Proud to be the mother of your/our children. I LOVE YOU MATTHEW JASON RUST AKA Pickle some others who have touched my life and I will write about later: Janele Kiser, Natalie McAllister, Amanda Edgington, Johanna Rollins, Alicia Mccourt, Shannon McDaniel, Tracy Stouder, Manda Lovins, Conrad Barnes, Jamie Smalling, Jaime Wissel, Eli Dietz, Justin Beach, Jeremy Walker, Josh Johnson, Tonya and John D'Ambra to name a few. Each of you have helped to mold me into the person I am to today and you only have yourselves to blame lol LOVE YOU!!!!!

If you were really honest with yourself you would realize like I have that it is okay to hate something that you can't change and even God will forgive you for it.

I hate this disease and what it can do i wish id never even heard of ml 2 what happens to our babies what this disease does takes our laughter away takes away our loves when you have a child who is free of disease you think of all the possibilities of what they may one day be but then you find out something went horribly wrong and your healthy lil angel is no longer strong who do you find to take the blame how do you find the master of this sick selfish game for there are no do overs no rerolling of the dice so how do you pretend everything is great in your life i wish there was a magic wand to take ml away to erase it from my memory a word that ive never learned to say (unfinished) Grace

My life is my business please mind your own My family is everything to me and so is my home I am a grown woman Im no longer a girl Ive grown up and went out and made a new world I never thought I could hate you but Ive come pretty close you decided to leave us when we needed you most you made your choice now lie in your bed I hope shes that perfect person youve formed in your head you abandoned your children though emotionly youve always been gone yet you sit there and judge me like taking care of my family is so wrongyou blame my husband for ruining my life sorry hes not more like your so called perfect lil wife if your the definition of a father then webster surely got it wrong becuz a TRUE father stands up for you tall and strong gas money to see your grandkids ten minutes down the road thats a bunch of bull shit but drive to dayton for a joy ride gimme a break Dad you havent seen Hanna since June or her kids since May whatcha got to say to that Nothing becuz then that wovld mean you would have to show emotion I hope for Buffs sake you never do to her what you did and continue to do to her sisters its your loss my girls have a GREAT POPPEE to take your place and that is NOONES fault but your own Im sorry its this way but you choose to believe a habitual liar over my word to you Ive NEVER lied to you before why would I start now so Peace Out Dad the woods in your hand build the bridge back by yovr DAMN self you had no problem burning it by yourself and if you find yourself worn and tired have her help you cuz Im DONE CYOTF Grace

People are amusing lol They believe shit that isnt true They think they know the every aspect of my marriage but they only hear what they want to hear even though their sources are slutty drug addicted liars. So once and for all let me set u straight. We get along great hell we dont even argue we have no secrets I know EVERYTHING! Its time for everyone to grow up n move on we have so u all need 2 leave it alone maybe u all luv livin in DRAMAVILLE but we like our quiet serenity so just give it up u are just amusing us and makin complete n total dumb shits out of yourselves those who are our TRUE friends and family know us best they see us as we are two imperfect people who love each other who make mistakes who laugh cry smile and hurt we do our best for our kids and each other even when others try to hinder our actions We dont give up or give in we grow up and go on those that see that and support that are the IMPORTANT ones everyone else are just like flies slightly annoying but otherwise unimportant and easily squashed so like I stated earlier if u arent true to us u truly dont exist to us MUAH XOXO LISSA

So everyone whos been asking about Megan's cond I'm just gonna lay it all out for you & as things change I'll update as we go about our lives. It's not that I don't want to update you all personally but to be honest it's hard writing it over & over makes every moment all the more real. Megan has I-Cell Disease aka ML II. Her level is sev to mod there is no cure no treatment not even BMT is avail. The only opt. is to treat the following sx (if they have avail txs): corneal clouding, dental caries, gingival hyperplasia, mild MVR, mod AR, hepatomegaly, cardiomyopathy, joint contractures & restrictions, hernias, sleep apnea, CTS, ACM, vertebral body anomalies, severe kyphoscoliosis, dysostosis multiplex, macro glossia, anemia, gerd, bilat hip dysplasia, knock kneed, coarsening of her facial features. Her prognosis is not good stat. btw 4-6 yrs but no later than the 1st dec. She is not a stat. Moo is a beautiful lil girl who enjoys life & being a lil sis she loves to play & be a goof. We love her so much!

I first had a blog here but after awhile I deleted it. I figured why bring up the past? Why not let sleeping dogs lie? I have grown from this experience. My marriage is actually better because of this experience. I realize that the love I share with my husband goes beyond petty people and their need to hurt others. I now know without a shadow of doubt just how much he loves me. Our staying together has nothing to do with our children. Because I offered a win/win solution to that issue. We are together because of the love that we share. Most people will never have to go thru the things we as a couple and us as parents have to go thru. I wouldn't wish our worst enemies to have to experience the inevitable loss of their child.

I do believe that people chose different outlets to deal with their grief. I choose to write. Matt chose a different path. A path that has tested our marriage. A path that 2 years ago I would have told people they were insane to even think he would do something like that. I was that confident in my marriage. I was that confident in my husband. I can honestly say I put him a pedastool. I know I shouldn't have but I did. The funny thing about a pedastool is eventually things get knocked off. Either it's broken beyond repair or you put it back together.

So that's what we did. We put a little crazy glue on us and fixed it. Later on down the road we had to add Gorilla glue just to be safe.

I realize that I had my share of the blame. I think I subtly pushed him away. I turned a blind eye to the problems because I was trying to deal with my own loss. I just found out that I wouldn't get to see my baby grow up and experience life. I think thats when I started pushing everyone but Rebecca and Megan away. I figured if they weren't around me by my own choosing then I wouldn't be hurt if they ever decided to leave my by their choosing. Childish I know but I think I'm entitled to act like a child when I feel like it.

So That's why this blog has changed. I'm a grown up and the words before no matter how true they were, they were just a reminder of the past that I am putting behind me.

Til next time HUGS LISSA GRACE!!!

To those that aren't aware of the original blog and are just curious let me know I can share it with you.

I had no signposts to follow back then. I had no idea what to do or who to turn to. Worst of all was the crushing sense of isolation, the feeling that I was the only one going through it and that no one could possibly understand.— Anne Ford in "Laughing Allegra"

I wonder what my life would be like without you here to share it with What would it feel like to no longer give you your good morning kiss What would it be like to never hear your infectious laugh or gaze upon your beautiful smile What would the world be like without you to make it all worthwhile I wonder how we all would cope how would we all get along for part of me thinks that you have this marvelous strength that keeps all of us to stay strong Who would your sister be if you didnt make it through what would her fave color be would she make it blue for you What about your Daddy "Deer" could he still be tough i know just thoughts of losing his lil fred and woosaw makes sleep rough I cant imagine never hoiding you never touching your little hand never dreaming for you or fighting for you as only a momma can I dont like to dream of a future for you because a future without you would be cold so I only dream of the present for you the one we so delicately hold I will always wonder about you Moo You hold a third of my heart so I will keep tightly to you until with Angels you depart