Refuge of an assumed danophile…

If you read this…

He was at the train station, with a bag holding just the necessary for a quick trip over, and the ticket in his hand.

When his messages had gone unanswered, he had first thought about a misunderstanding of some sort… He had re-read all their latest conversations and exchanges, to spot what he could have said to make her go mute.

Women…He thought. It could have been anything, women get upset over the smallest details, and sometimes they just bring back something you said months ago, just because it fits their mood “du moment”…

He had sent a very vague message, that could have been an appologie for almost any wrong he could have done. A flower bouquet of words, that – he thought – would make up for what was held against him. At least until he would be told the reason of the conflict, and then, he could deal with it the best way he knew…

But she had not answered…

He had sent text messages, trying his best humor to get her to write back after a good giggle, but that too seemed vain. He finally called her, and left 2 or three messages on her voicemail, before being told by the robotic voice that the answering device was full and couldn’t record anymore…

Strange.

He had thought about just giving up. If she didn’t want to talk to him anymore, what was there to be done about it? Right? Not as if he hadn’t tried…

But still, he couldn’t believe she would just shut her door like that without a word. It wasn’t like her. Even if she was mad, she would have disapeared from his life after a burst of enflammed reproaches, blaming him for his worst failures…

The train was riding through the night, and he couldn’t help but wonder how he would react when face to face… Was he furious that she led him on like that, driving him crazy from not knowing? No, he wasn’t mad… Just worried, and wondering… He wished he could sleep while the wagons made their way to her hometown, in the dark, but his thoughts wouldn’t let him.

When he got to the station in the early morning, he considered stopping at her favorite bakery and buying a few chocolate rolls, those who reminded her of the Danish chokolade boller she had eaten during one of her trips abroad…

Maybe she had just been out of town for a while, without telling anybody… And it wouldn’t be surprising if she had forgotten to take her cell phone with her. Maybe she would just open the door with her usual smile, and appologize for the scare.

There were a few cars in the building’s parking when the taxi pulled in the drive way. He paid the driver and walked to the front door. His heart skipped a beat when he bumped on a few people walking in and out of her apartment. He knew them, without knowing them. He had seen them several times, but had never had the chance to meet them in person, not until today.

When her mother walked to him, he noticed her puffed eyes right away. Something was wrong.

You must be John…

He just nodded, still standing in the doorway. He was waiting for an explanation, or at least to be invited in? But everybody kept moving in and out, ignoring him, except for her mother, standing in front of him, speechless.

Reaching for her purse, she pulled out an enveloppe, and handed it to him, still silent. She obvioulsy was trying her best not to burst into tears when she simply added;

She left this for you… Sorry John!

He walked out and sat on a bench in the front yard, opening the enveloppe carefully. Inside was a hand written letter, and he recognized the feminine, delicate hand writing right away. He feared to read the words left for him.

Dear John,

If you read this, it means that I am gone…

I had a terrible condition that condemned me about a year and a half ago. I don’t really want to talk about it, because that is the part of my life my family and I had to deal with for the past few months… I wish I could have had the strenght to tell you about it when we met, but I just couldn’t…

You have every right to be mad at me for keeping you in the dark like this. I hate to think that I kept such a big secret like that. Remember what we had promised each other? All the lies we wanted, but no secret… Let’s say that I lied when I said everything was allright.

I spent the greatest times with you… This past year, I have learned how to be aware of every tiny moment of happiness, and you provided me with tons of those tiny, and not so tiny moments. I take them all with me now, and I hope you’ll remember them as well.

You probably think I should have told you our time together was counted. Maybe you think you would have done more, or you would have done things better, but I beg to differ… Because you didn’t know, you’ve been the last genuine person in my life, and that is a lot. Everybody has been very nice, and caring and adjusting to my every needs as time went by. You were the only one who I could be myself with, the only one that would disagree with me, and fight at times… With you, I felt alive and normal.

Don’t regret any of our arguments… I don’t. No fighting, no making up afterwards, and I loved those moments when we were even closer.

I think we could have been more than just friends, maybe we were already. You’re easy to love… With your falsely confident ways, and your stories… You are smart and beautiful, the full package. I wish we had the chance to talk about us, but it would have implied telling you about me being sick, and it would have killed something even more precious than what we could have built in the haste of running out of time.

I like what we had… I like to tell myself it was my last love story. You might not see it that way, and that’s ok with me. But I couldn’t imagine giving my last breath not being in love. If you do share my thoughts, don’t regret not having made it official. I lived in the excitment of the doubt until the end, afraid to lose you everyday when it should have been the other way around.

Have a nice life, and live it to the fullest! Let people in, let them get to know you like I did. Always be yourself, and just toss aside those who can’t deal with your fresh foly… Keep your childish curiosity and enjoy everyday.

And remember me… Remember my smile and my giggles.

I could go on forever, and stretch my sentences, not to leave you. But I have to go now… I am at peace, don’t worry about me anymore.

Yours, forever…

Camille xxx

P.S. I lo….

A tear had diluted the ink… Denying him the certainty of those three words never to be spoken.