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“First of all, fuck you for trying to conflate yourself with the state, you bloated old bastard. If America wore golf pants, she’d sure as shit pull ‘em off better than you do.” https://t.co/Owclhi2D6T

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

Secretary of State

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

Secretary of DefenseChief of StaffNational Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

Secretary of Health and Human Services

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

Director of Communications

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

Speaker of the House

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Another day in the land of cray…

Hey, before we get started, let me shout out to Pacifist Patriot for that Time cover mockup, I’ve been smiling all day about that. And beyond that, a huge thanks to everybody here at DU, I’m having the time of my life and I’m glad some of you are enjoying this shit. There really is a blog coming soon, I hope you’ll join me there…

ANYHOW.

Forgive me folks, I got a late start today, so if any of the insanity slips through the cracks, it’s just because I’m stuck in this straightjacket, and operating my tablet requires a fairly exhausting series of physical contortions. From what I’ve been able to process, though…shit remains cray.

Hey, did I tell you I have a cat that eats only schadenfreude? And boy howdy, she is getting fucking fat these days. Why, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. (And if this was a musical, I’d tell you IN SONG but it isn’t a musical so fuck off.)

Well, we learned that Strawberry Shartcake has been decorating his clubs with a phony Time Magazine cover, which is the kind of thing only the most confident and secure men do, right?

Seriously, can you imagine? Can you imagine the sort of crushing insecurity that would make a human being create a fake magazine cover to impress the rich idiots who are already paying him to golf? Time asked Shartboy to take the fake covers, apparently on display in at least five Drumpf properties, down, so I can only assume that Admiral Mike Rogers spent most of his morning explaining why he couldn’t have the entire magazine’s staff murdered by ninjas.

Also, a hotel in Toronto paid a fat chunk of money for nothing more than the privilege of scraping Drumpf’s sharty little name off their building. I forget, is it good or bad for your political career when people are willing to flush dollars, even Canadian dollars, down the toilet just to avoid being associated with you?

Oh, and an investigation into the National Park Service revealed that no, nobody at NPS had to doctor any photographs of Ol’ Shartful’s inauguration, it just turns out that not very many folks felt like showing up to to watch America’s first Sack of Donkey Shit President get sworn in.

Furthermore, the Senate Intelligence Committee is getting the famous Comey memos! They’ve also gotten ahold of some 2,000 financial documents from the treasury department related to Orange Julius Caesar and his inner circle. And Roger Stone will be testifying before the House Intelligence Committee next month.

…so, surely it’s a coincidence that Donnie’s closest media allies are taking “Is collaborating with Russia really so bad” out for a test drive. Surely.

Equally coincidental is Paul “Shit, I Was Only Campaign Manager For a Few Months” Manafort suddenly deciding to file some paperwork that’s all “Did I not say I was a foreign agent? My bad, I thought you asked ‘Do I watch The Great British Bakeoff?'”

Most hilariously, after faux-Christian grifter Jay Sekulow became Spraytan Pol Pot’s lawyer and spokesman, he got the Investigative Journalism treatment, and it quickly surfaced that he’s been bilking rubes to finance his family’s high-class lifestyle, and now he’s under investigation HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

…anyhow, you can see why my schadenfreude-eating cat has put on weight.

Shameless Congressassipe Jason Chaffetz formally moved on to the private sector, but not before whinging a bit about how financially challenging it is being a Congressasswipe, and how maybe if he got an extra 2,500 bucks a month for housing, he coulda stuck around and continued to chastise the working poor for owning phones. Weep for poor Jason Chaffetz, who has fallen on such hard times that he must now accept a contract as a Fox News contributor, where he will make god knows how much money to sit behind a desk and continue demonizing the poor, especially those who have been foolish enough not to have been born white and male.

Littlefinger got distracted from the five minutes of diplomacy he was required to conduct with the new Irish Taoiseach (ok, fine, I just learned that word today, you got me.) to hit on a reporter, because Melania smacks him every time he gets grabby, which is bullshit, Kennedy was rolling in pussy, why did I even run for shit job, tell Reince to get me some hookers goddammit!

Scott Pruitt, a relatively minor demon placed in charge of the EPA, had a quickie lil’ meeting with the CEO of Dow, and decided that we didn’t need a silly thing like a ban on a pesticide that damages brain development in fetuses and young children, because who are we to obstruct the free market for something as insignificant as children’s brains?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders continues to prove herself to be the most gleefully willing fascist collaborator in the whole regime. None of Sean Spicer’s half-hearted attempts at logic with SHS; fuck that! Nah, she’ll unhesitatingly call on the world to watch Widely-Known Scatmuncher James O’Keefe’s latest piece of propaganda, even as she acknowledges she can’t vouch for its accuracy. And then, Loki love her, in the very same fucking press event, she can chastise the media for Fake News or some shit. And suddenly Alan Moore is forced to rewrite V FOR VENDETTA, because his propagandists seem too subtle and honest to be credible.

A bunch of polls came out showing that Mitch’s bill is about as popular as getting a lap dance from rusty lawnmower. Seriously, everybody shows this bill with below 20% approval, with nearly half of the country “strongly” disapproving, which you have to assume means the polled were screaming FUCK NO I DON’T WANT TO DIE JUST SO SHELDON ADELSON CAN HAVE HIS CHILDHOOD HOME BRONZED at the pollsters.

Anyhow, there’s plenty of opposition, from the lunatic right and also from the begrudgingly-admitting-that-poor-people-might-be-almost-human center. Shit, even Jerry, “The Invisible Senator” Moran came out against it, and Mitch makes Jerry sleep in a crate if Jerry ever tries to speak on the floor of the Senate.

Apparently there was a GOP conference lunch today where the moderates and the conservatives got together to shout at each other, and they couldn’t even agree on who would get to be the Jets or the Sharks, but Yertle seems to think they can have a new bill by Friday. In related news, my seven-volume novel about the tribulations of an orphan boy navigating the complex politics of the Spanish Civil War, of which I have not so much as a treatment finished, will also be ready by Friday.

(I seriously don’t want to get cocky about any of this, because the House showed us that these fucks have a tremendous will to fuck over the poor in the name of tax cuts for their donors, but tonight, I’m going take a moment to enjoy another round of pieces on how the Shart of the Deal can’t get shit done. WaPo’s is particularly gloaty.)

Meanwhile, the best the folks over at Pravda, excuse me, “Fox News” can come up with is, “Well shit, we’re all gonna die anyhow, why bother with insurance?” I seriously pinched myself seven times watching that video, so I’m fairly certain it actually happened.

Oh hey, didja see that video the National Rifle Association released today? Nice to see the folks who’ve been working for ISIS are starting to get freelance work. Seriously though, that is some horrifying shit, it’s about a step and a half away from “It’s okay to murder your neighbor if they voted for Hilldawg,” and it’s one of the most bone-chilling things I’ve ever watched in my life. (And I watched election night last November, soooooooooooo…)

Desperate to seem effective in any way, however small, the Candycorn Skidmark shot his mouth off about “liberating towns” from foreign gangs. Hell, even Sean Hannity’s not gonna pick that one up, Shart-Shart. Seriously. Name a town you’ve “liberated.” (No, “Brigadoon” is not a real town.)

I saw a late article about how Secretary of State T-Rex got mad and yelled at some Shart House staff about how their incompetence is making his incompetence harder or some shit. Boo fucking hoo. All your names are going to be carved on a monument that the country will use as a public restroom for generations to come. If you serve this ethically vacant administration, your descendants will renounce your name for the raw shame of it, who the fuck cares if you’re having a slap fight over inconsequential shit? Fuck all y’all.

Of course there’s more. There’s always more. Forgive me, I’m dealing with the emotional fallout of watching my beloved Bryzzo standing, smiling, next to everyone’s least favorite Poop Mistake. I’ll pick up the slack later in the week…one way or another, don’t forget to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.