All of the women we interviewed had left their abusive relationship. A few women were in new healthy relationships and the majority were living independently, but many of them were still experiencing ongoing harassment from their ex-partner. Ending an abusive relationship usually involved the woman leaving her home but in some cases it was the male partner who left. It was not always their first separation. Almost half the women we interviewed had previously separated from their partner and returned, before the relationship finally ended. Women stressed how important it was to get support from professionals, family members or friends, to leave when the time was right. Support after leaving was crucial too. For Khalida, leaving her 33 year marriage was like ‘coming out of jail’. Her brain felt like ‘mush’ after a lifetime of abuse. She felt her needs as an older woman with health problems were not adequately assessed by anyone. She is still struggling to find suitable housing.

Planning and being ‘ready’ to leave

Women said how important it was to leave at the ‘right’ time, when they felt ‘ready’ and safe to do so. Jane reported her social worker’s words: ‘“Actually when women leave, that is the most dangerous time, is when they leave.”’ A particular event may have triggered the actual day of leaving, but most women had made detailed plans in advance to ensure that they and their children would be as safe as possible. This planning often began once they realised that their partner’s behaviour was domestic violence or abuse (see ‘Recognising domestic violence and abuse’). After ten years in an abusive relationship, Irina realised the truth from a domestic violence and abuse website, and followed the advice given on how to leave.

Jane described how important it was to wait for the right time to leave, with all the necessary support in place to keep her and her children safe.

Jane is a single, white British, unemployed woman. She is a mother of two and lives with her youngest daughter in a privately rented home.

You know, I’d been putting up with all that for all those years, and for what? Mainly because I thought, you know, you keep your enemies closer than you do your friends, and that was very much in my mind, that as long as he was under my nose I knew what he was going to do. I didn’t feel safe when I was away or, you know, I thought that he would be following me, he would harass me, he would make me, he would try to control me and try to bring me back into the relationship, but I didn’t want to go. So, and there was also this feeling in the back of my mind that I thought, “This isn’t quite the right time to leave. It doesn’t feel right. The time doesn’t feel right to leave.” When that actually happened, the attack, that was, the morning after and after the Social Services got involved, it felt the right time to leave. I just thought, “I’ll be OK now,” you know.

Yeah.

“This is, this is the opportunity I can use to leave.”

Yeah.

And I got support from the Social Services. I got a good deal of support from the police, because I was given like a domestic abuse worker to liaise with that would keep the police informed. They put a “treat as urgent” marker, a TIA marker on my friend’s house and on my mum’s house. Which that means that as soon as anything happens, even turns up or, you know, comes there, you ring 999 and straight away they treat that as urgent, they’re there.

Right.

You know, they’re there within, within seconds. So that was very helpful. They’d also put that on my mobile phone as well, so that if I rung 999 then it’d go straight through as an emergency.

How did that feel having that in place?

It made me feel very safe, made me feel very safe, knowing that all those people was looking out for me. Because that was my main concern, was safety for myself and safety for my children. So, you know, to actually come out of the relationship and stay with a friend for a while and, you know, actually have those s- that support in place

Yeah.

Made me feel better. But the social worker did say to me, “Actually when women leave, that is the most dangerous time, is when they leave.” And that is the reason why they put all these things in place, is because they know that automatically the abusive partner is going to try everything in his power or her power to try and get you back into that relationship. So I got a tremendous amount of support, as I say, from the police. Social Services were good. They then gave me [Local specialist domestic abuse service], which I then stayed in a hostel for a while. They were fantastic.

Alonya’s social worker encouraged her to ‘escape’ and helped her make a plan to leave on a day when her partner was out of the house. Alonya arranged temporary accommodation with a friend.

a 31 year old British woman originally from Eastern Europe. She lives in a Housing Association flat with her nine year old daughter, and works part-time as an office co-ordinator.

And she said, “Just stop. Don’t think about anything you’ve got to leave from here and then make a plan”, she said. I spoke to my friend, who was giving me this place to live on temporary basis. It was wonderful and we agreed with the social worker that in two weeks’ time my husband had, because he was always at home [laughs] so…

Even when he was working, he?

He wasn’t working….

He was home.

….oh no, it was just in the beginning he work, well, then he was always off.

Oh, ok.

He had appointment in GP at ten o’clock in the morning and I said that would be the time when I will try to leave from the house. At that point I didn’t realise how much he was watching me.

Right.

Because when people came, I was moving my things and I was packing my things. When they came to move there was a telephone call to my house, to the house phone. I picked it up and it was him. He was checking and I don’t know how, he wouldn’t know anything at all that I was planning to move. It was a normal morning, I went to work. But I didn’t go to work…

Right.

…I was just sitting and waiting until he comes out from the house. Up until now I can’t believe that he did that, so maybe he was checking…

Yes.

…that he, could that be happening that I’m in the house…

Right.

…because why would he call empty house?

Yes, yes.

I was supposed to be at work. So, and he said, “What are you doing there?”, and I said, “I’m leaving you”. I was probably, but I almost wanted to, I felt badly when about doing that in way that time. Within fifteen minutes he was there. And he called, got into the house and the first day he was furious. He called me names, then he saw other people working there. There were two big Polish guys who were helping us with moving out, and he kept quiet. He couldn’t say anything. And the police told me before that if he will be around just call us. So I called the police and I said, “That’s he’s around”. So that what happened. I also got some help from solicitors,

In the meantime, and they issued with non-molestation order straight away.

Some women, such as Tanya, talked about gradually feeling stronger over time until they reached a point of being able to leave. Women with young children were initially reluctant to ‘disrupt the family’ but a point came when they felt ready to leave.

Philippa is a white British woman who lives with her two daughters (16 and 21 years) in their privately rented home. She is single and works full-time in finance.

Well at the time I was living away from all of my friends and family and so I was alone. But I knew that it couldn’t go on forever, I knew there would come a point when I'd have to leave, I just didn't know when that would be. But when there were times when things weren't so good and he would say later, "Oh I'm sorry, you know, it will be better next time." I believed it and I stayed because I had children and I didn't want to disrupt the family but I knew in my heart that I would go at some point it was just a case of when, not if, when.

So those thoughts were with you for several, several years.

Yes, yeah and I felt strong enough in myself that I knew I could go, I just didn't know when it would be or what the trigger would be to make me go. But I was, I was strong enough to be able to say this isn't right.

So when did the time come, this fact that you kind of thought right I'm going to leave, the right time, when was the time for you?

Well, I was told by somebody when I had counselling that there's always a trigger for somebody to go and I'd left him several times and went back. But the trigger, when I said I really couldn’t go back was we'd lived above the bakery business that we had, and I finished work one day, and I went upstairs and he'd finished earlier and he'd taken the children's beds apart and we'd recently had the loft converted and he'd moved the mattresses up to the loft but he hadn’t taken the bed bases. And he said to me, "The children are going to be moving upstairs and you’re going to have nothing to do with them." And I thought to myself so I work hours, like 60/70 hours a week and I earn nothing because we didn't earn very much, and I don't get to see my children, I don't think so. And I had to go and collect the children from school because their school was six miles away and the only way to, was to drive backwards and forwards.

Yeah.

So I went to get them and I never went back. So I picked up my children, stopped off to get something to eat. Talked to the older one and I said, "Today's the day, I told you there would be a day, today's that day, I can't go back." So we had a little chat about it and I had to get her agreement to do it, I didn't feel that I could do it on my own and I wanted her to agree that this is what we were going to do together and she agreed. So we didn't go back.

Where did you go?

Went to the police station.

After months of planning, building up a ‘survival pack’ at a friend’s house, Jessica woke one morning and decided ‘Today’s the day’.

Jessica is a single retired white British woman in her fifties. She has lived alone for three years since leaving her abusive marriage of 27 years. She has two adult children. She was employed until she developed fibromyalgia.

That, I started finding someone I could trust and putting together a little survival pack for myself. Some money, my passport, and different things. Gradually gathering things together and hiding them at this persons place.

And was that person a friend, or…

It was a friend, yes. She said that she had a spare room, and would take me in.

Hm. And did she help you decide what you needed to have in that survival bag? Or was that what you knew you needed?

I think it was what I knew I needed. Yeah. Yeah. And it was just one morning, I woke up one morning, I think it was a Tuesday morning, I just woke up and I thought, “Today’s the day”.

Wow.

Yeah. And that day, it didn’t matter what happened, I was not going to stay. I was going to leave.

Do you know what it was about that day?

I just woke up and thought, “Today’s the day”.

Gosh. So you …

Yeah …

… hadn’t thought about it the day before, or planned it in that detail or anything?

No. No. I just woke up and thought, “Right, this is the day”.

So how long had you been collecting your survival kit together and taking it round to your friend’s house?

Quite slowly, so he wouldn’t notice anything. But over quite a few months.

So, she didn’t take you in?

No. No, I rang her up and she said, “No”. I’d come to my next door neighbour’s, who knew nothing about what was going on behind closed doors and she rang her as well and she said no she wouldn’t take me in, she never meant to.

Your neighbour rang her for you? Is that what you’re saying?

Yeah. As well. And she said no she wouldn’t take me in.

But she had your survival bag.

Yeah, and a spare room with a nice bed, and I can still see the duvet over that bed.

Oh my goodness. So what happened next?

I was adamant I wasn’t, I wasn’t going back. I rang up anybody, everybody I knew and it was an acquaintance that I’d met on a course and she said, “Yes”.

From the Freedom project, someone from Freedom …

No, no, no, no, it was a different course. And she said yes. She was at work to meet her in town and I actually didn’t meet her in town, I met her in a car park and waited for her to finish work. And followed her back to where she lived. She had a one-bed, rented accommodation, and I slept on her sofa for many weeks.

Wow. Goodness.

Yeah.

And did you get your survival bag?

Yes. Yeah. I called round there one afternoon. I didn’t give her any, I didn’t ring her up or anything. I just called, just called, and I said, “I’ve come to get my stuff”. And I took it.

Did she give you any explanation?

She just said I was never meant to leave. But and she actually rang my husband to see where I was.

Leaving was particularly difficult for migrant women on ‘spouse visas’, who had no right to remain in the UK if they left their husband and no access to funding for a refuge place, or to the benefits system.

Ana is white European and divorced. She has been living with her new non-abusive partner for one year, with her two children aged eight and ten years, in a rented flat. She works full-time as the Administrator of a Children’s Centre.

There was a big issue with me of my immigration status.

Oh goodness. Yes.

So I only had the spouse visa.

Right.

I didn’t have my indefinite leave to remain.

Right.

So I actually did, yeah, I, oh yes. He did hit me when I was pregnant with my son. I rang the police and then why did I, oh I left the house, I left the house with my daughter in the buggy and I sat nearby on the common, on the green and I rang the helpline [sniffs] and I just been told then of, you know, they obviously have to ask, “What’s your immigration status? Have you got indefinite leave to remain? Have you got …”

Yeah, yeah.

“… access to public funds,” which I didn’t.

No.

So she just, she just kind of … it was a bit, it’s a bit tricky, can I just say this?

Sure.

It’s a bit tricky with this, the helpline. I know obviously refuges can’t work, you know, the ladies can’t work 24/7 but it’s, after a certain time, it’s very, it’s like office is shut kind of thing.

Right.

Which I found, you know, so …

So is that with the helpline as well? Are they …

Yeah, yes.

They actually, it isn’t 24 hours?

It is 24 hours but it’s like oh, you know if it’s like urgent-urgent …

Yes.

… which I was, I got hit and I was pregnant and I had the baby in the buggy.

I wanted to leave, but then the lady said, “Unfortunately we can’t, you know, we can’t house you because …”

Oh, right.

“… of the …”

The funding, yeah.

“… of the funding,” so I just went back and then I did call the police.

Right.

I can’t remember exactly how it happened but the police attended so I was telling them what happened and again, and the way, sorry, because things are coming to me.

So perhaps you can just tell me about when you did actually go, how you got away.

Okay. So after like five years of being married I kind of, I’ve learnt to, I’ve learnt how to cope.

Right.

You know, I just kind of thought this is it for now but I used to like promise myself …

Yes.

… you know, I will get away.

Right.

And I, as I said to you, it was a waiting game for me.

Yes.

And then, when was it, 2011 I think. Trying, yeah 2011 I sent off for my permanent residency, but I needed his passport, his payslips. There was a lot of things that need to be sent for this.

Yes.

And he used to say, “Oh, you’re going to leave me when you get this,” and I used to go, “No,” you know, “Don’t be silly, no. No, no, no. Well I need this because it’s just easier.” So sent off for that and the, my passport after, I don’t know, a few months it come, it came back when he was at work, and it was like his passport, his passport got returned and then there was my passport with permanent, with the residency card…

So he did eventually let you have the details?

Yeah, yes, he did, he did because I’m not sure what I said, because I said, “Well, it’s just a bit easier because I don’t need to renew my visa and you know, I won’t be …”

Yes, okay. So you got your residency?

Yeah, so I got my golden ticket and I just kept that. I didn’t tell him for two weeks. Yeah, I had that, I was like yep, excellent.

Yasmin, a young migrant woman from Pakistan was controlled, physically and sexually abused over many years. She talked about how she secretly used the internet at the library to learn English and make contact with other women via chat rooms.

Yasmin is a 32 year old British Asian woman living with her three children in a Housing Association house. She left her family in Pakistan when she was seventeen, to live in the UK with her married sister and to enter into an arranged marriage with the brother of her sister’s husband. She has little education, no work experience, and has recently taught herself to speak English.

So the more he hit me, the more he make conditions, the more I wanted to leave him [laughs].

Yes.

Or have that freedom. So …I started to go online chat rooms. And the people were so happy, talk about their relationships, and they …their husband and their wives, ‘Oh, I’m going to do this because my wife asked me.’, and ‘I’m going to do this.’ And I …I do nothing, I just read their chat and nothing, in public rooms. And that’s …

What, like libraries or …?

It’s just a place there; old people go there and …

Right.

… they have different language rooms and you can enter with a …

Oh I see.

… an ID.

Right.

You can either use … you know, this part … have your ID there or you start chatting ‘Oh I’m from here’.

Yes, yes.

‘I speak this language’.

Yeah.

You make friends.

Yeah.

Whatever. Pretty much Facebook or …

Yes.

… Instagram whatever. But you add people if you have like …you like. But it was voice conversation as well.

Yes.

So if somebody talking other sixty, seventy people can hear.

Can hear.

So they always talk about their perfect relationship, and I thought what kind of …world I am living in? And then they, sometimes they have the different rooms which they talk about law, this is forbidden, this is as religious, this is as a country. I start developing my knowledge you can say.

Yes. Yes.

And then start … and trying to understood the thing and …polishing my English, but I never learned English from anywhere at all. A few words, then Google it, and then look something on You Tube.

Triggers to leaving

Despite planning, some women had to leave suddenly with virtually no possessions or money when an opportunity arose, such as their partner being out of the house. Philippa could not carry anything and just had what she was wearing, with her daughters in their school uniforms. Jane lost her business and her house but her children were happy to leave. She said: ‘You don’t really have a lot of choice about it .... when you go out the door with just a few possessions and your children, that’s when you realise what the important things are’.

Women described a number of triggers to finally leaving an abusive relationship. For many it was a particularly violent physical assault from their partner, especially if it involved their children.

Violent assaults triggered leaving

Many women said how scared they were after an assault that led to serious injury, as they felt that their partner could end up killing them. After receiving a serious back injury Jacqui decided it was ‘now or never’ and left, after her health visitor asked her: “In a year’s time …do you think you’ll be alive still?” Lindsay fled after her partner ‘put a hot iron on my back, put a hot iron on my daughter’s back’, and Penny left after her partner raped her.

Linda went to a work conference for two days, and returned to find all her clothes had been cut up and her University teaching files shredded. Later, when they split up, he smashed up the family home and stole all her personal information, her financial details and her computer.

Linda is a 59 year old white British woman, separated from her British Caribbean husband. Her two daughters from a previous marriage and her four grandchildren live locally. Linda used to work as a University lecturer and as a manager of children’s services, but is now unable to work owing to severe health problems, Reactive Airways Dysfunction Syndrome and Osteochrondrosis.

And then work ethics came over me and I thought I’ve got get there, because this university is waiting for me and.

Were you able to go?

I did, I went.

You did?

Yeah.

It’s extraordinary how you managed to hold together, this really powerful, you know demanding job, that is an extraordinary accomplishment.

I went for 2 days and then I phoned one of his friends up and said you need to go and make sure he’s not there because I’m too scared to go in and another friend went and checked my daughter was alright, and he’d cut all my clothes up, all my clothes were cut up all over, all over the room and his friend, a male friend and he just went I can’t’ believe he’s done all this.

And was that during that time that you were away, or was that, yeah that weekend you were away.

Yeah and we had a basement in the house and that’s where I did all my lectures and everything, and everything, all my files had been shredded and.

Really?

Yeah everything. And I was teaching again, on the Monday.

So how did you manage?

I just re-did it.

Extraordinary resilience that you’ve obviously got.

Oh the days, after a weekend I used to go in at 6 o’clock and I had been crying right until 6 o’clock, go in, put on my brave face.

That’s amazing to be able to do that.

Yeah, I don’t know how I did it now.

So after that event.

And then didn’t speak to me.

Had one of those silent periods.

So after that, so I went to my mum’s 80th birthday, still hadn’t told the police and I came back and the house was empty.

Of everything?

Of everything, except things he didn’t want, which he’d, we had two settees, chairs, leather, he’d left the three seater but he’d cut it up, well chopped it up, taken the beds, all the beautiful garden furniture we had, he’d smashed, and we had, one of the bedrooms was for the children so we used to have a rota and one stayed over at night, they used to call it Nanny Night. All their books, their toys he’d smashed up, we had chandeliers, taken them down, I’ve got photos I could show you, he’d stood on them all. In my office, in the basement, I hadn’t been able to get down there for a long time because of the stairs, he’d taken my computer with all my academic work, with the books I’d written, you know they were all on there, the research, he’d taken it all, all my files, my bank details, my savings things, he’d taken everything. And in the toilet, I can’t even tell you what was in there, you can imagine? In the bathroom. In the downstairs toilet, he’d taken the sink away because he was a plumber, he’d taken that away, put it in the, we had a big basement and part of that was his workshop, he’d put the sink, the basin, work benches off, smashed them up the only thing he hadn’t touched was the loft and that’s what I came back to and then I called the police and then I told them everything.

Sometimes women stood their ground with a positive outcome. When Mandy was violently attacked by her partner she ‘made damn sure it didn’t happen again’.

Mandy is a white British woman who is educated to degree level. After a period off work with depression, she now works full-time and is currently living with her new partner and dogs.

His temper was getting worse, I was asking him to get help and he kept promising he would, never did. And I think towards the end I sort of realised what was going to happen. And I told him, “The first time you lay your fingers on me will be the last”, and it happened and I made damn sure it didn’t happen again.

Are you able to describe what happened in that situation?

The actual attack?

Yeah, if that’s OK.

Yeah, it was, it was the morning of Halloween. We’d just had breakfast, and we’d had a big fight the day before to the point where I’d asked him to leave and he’d actually packed the car up with all his stuff and I’d actually got the key back from him. He’d wormed his way back in that night and ended up staying over. And I can’t even remember what started it off, but we were fighting about the firefighters’ strike. Of course, I was wrong because I’m always wrong. I’ve actually got three firefighters in my family. And he was just shouting and I asked him to leave and he got up and started washing the dishes, in his pyjamas. And I asked him to leave again and he ignored me. I actually raised my voice for the first time and told him to leave and he came up to me in the kitchen doorway, got right in my face and was screaming. His face just went purple, he was just screaming in my face. And he went back and picked up the bowl of dishes and slammed it in the sink. There’s bits of glass and ceramic everywhere and my first thought was, “Oh my God, the dogs are going to cut their paws”.

I said, “That’s it, I’m calling the police”. I turned around, the minute I put my hand on the phone he came after me. He grabbed my around the throat and had me over the back of the sofa. I don’t remember anything after that other than thinking, “This is how it ends.” I don’t know what he was saying to me, screaming at me. I don’t know whether I got him off me, or whether he’d let go of me, I just remember running upstairs to the bathroom in hindsight, probably a stupid place to go because I’ve literally cornered myself, but it’s the only room in the house with a lock on the door. Until I remembered he could unlock it from the outside. It’s just like a slot…

Yeah.

…if you put a coin or even a nail in. So I sat with my back against the door, waiting for him to start kicking it, and he didn’t. After about twenty minutes I suddenly got it into my head that he was going to hurt the dogs and I opened the door and found him lying on the bedroom floor crying with his arms around [Dog], apologising. Again, I calmly asked him to leave. This time he got dressed and he did. The first thing I did when he left, I made sure all the doors were locked and I phoned my mum. And I told her exactly what had happened because I knew if I did that, that he wouldn’t be welcome by the family anymore. There’s no way I could take him back after that. And I didn’t see him after that.

Kate is a single, well-educated, white British woman who lives with her two young children in their privately owned home. She is currently unable to work due to anxiety and depression.

And the sort of deciding moment was when he hit our son over a, over cleaning his teeth one evening. I wasn’t very well and his father was supervising him to clean his teeth. Both of the children always wanted me to be there, whatever was happening. They were already quite unhappy to be alone with maybe not clear cut to be alone with their father, just always wanted to be with me, always wanted their mummy to do everything, which didn’t help the dynamic at home, because that made him angry. So his father was supervising the teeth cleaning, my son was 4 and not cooperating particularly well, and very abruptly, without warning he was hit on the head so hard that he flew across the room off the floor. And I think that, that was the, that was the turning point. And from that moment forward I wasn’t in a, you know, “Is this a you know, what’s going on here?” It was a “Right, we’ve got to fix this”…

Right.

..approach. It didn’t occur to me to leave. And I look back now and I don’t know why. It did occur to me to report it to the police or to Social Services, but I was seeing a therapist at the time who advised me not to.

Right OK.

Which I now understand, having described [laughs] described the incident to him, he had a duty of care to us which I think he failed, in that it absolutely should have been, his advice should have been to report it, and in fact he probably should have reported it himself. And I think the fact that he didn’t react like, “Oh my goodness, you know, this is not OK and we really ought to do something about this,” it kept me there.

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Age at interview:

47

Sex:

Background:

Anna is a single, white British woman. She lives in a council property with two of her six children, one of whom has special needs. She works part-time as a volunteer for two charitable organisations.

So in 2008 then what was the trigger for you to go, you know, seek help, at the refuge?

This is the one thing he’s admitted to the police as well. He, I started to not want to be in our bed. So I was sleeping on the floor in [Name of daughter]’s room. And at that time my mobile phone, if a text come through, it made the sound of a duck. And I’d turned the phone off because sometimes my oldest son would send me jokes very late at night and I didn’t want to wake [Name of daughter].

Well, [Name of son] had got up to use the toilet and he’d saw me. So I, I just, “Oh, mummy’s playing camping”. So he wanted to play. So I said, “OK, you can sleep with mummy tonight”. So he was next to me on the floor.

Yeah.

He, [Name of perpetrator] had sent me a text to say goodnight and his text would, his phone would answer back if a text had been received.

Yes. Yeah.

So, all of a sudden he just flew through the door, reached over and grabbed my throat. Now I didn’t respond, I didn’t scream, I didn’t shout because my child was next to me. I just looked. Because I knew that I was going. I knew that very moment that we were leaving.

Yeah.

And he just retreated back, he didn’t get any response, I didn’t scream, didn’t kick, nothing. I just looked. And he left. And apparently he did that because I turned my phone off. Because he thought I’d turned my phone off deliberately for him not to be able to send that text. It, had nothing to do with him. But beside me was [Name of son] and I just said, “Daddy’s just playing silly games”. And the other side of [Name of son] was [Name of daughter] in her bed. And bless her, she was just three. And I didn’t want that little girl, I didn’t want to visit her in a hospital bed at 16, 18 with tubes being tube fed or whatever because some man had beat her up because that’s what I taught her was OK. And I didn’t want [Name of son] to be someone who did that. And I also knew he’d done that once, the safety line, right, wouldn’t involve the children was now gone.

Yeah.

And if I let that little thing go it would get more. And more. So for their sake we had to go and that’s what made me go.

So the next day you …

The next day I rang [Local Specialist Domestic Violence and Abuse service]. And they arranged it from there. But I knew, I knew exactly what I was doing. And it was for my children, because that’s where I draw the line. I wouldn’t protect me, I wouldn’t look after me…

No.

But I will look, look after my children.

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22

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Nessa, a full-time mother, lives in a council rented property with her two children aged two and four. She is a single woman of mixed ethnic background (White and Black Caribbean).

And the trigger for that relationship to end, what was that?

Social services and legal action. I mean now, me and social services are working together great and everything’s perfectly fine, we’ve actually gone down the scale, but whereas before, because I was minimising the risks of him hitting me in front of my children and the stuff that he was doing to me in front of the children and everything, because I was minimising the risks, it went up to legal action and they threatened to either take me to court or I’ve got to leave my ex-partner. So it wasn’t until I actually had a letter come through from the solicitor saying about meeting up for, like just to hear my side of the story and stuff like that, it wasn’t until then I actually thought no, my kids are worth a million more of him, and it’s got to change so yeah.

Confronting their partner about affairs with other women

Several women said they discovered their partner was having an affair. When they tried to question him, his angry, violent reaction triggered her to leave. Stephanie ‘kicked [her partner] out’ when he lied yet again about an affair and Liz left her marriage when she discovered her husband’s secret phone that he used for contacting his lover.

Stephanie is a 39 year old professional single white British woman, living by herself in a privately rented home. She works full time as a finance manager for a large organisation and does not have children.

And then one night we were due to fly to Spain, it was about three o’clock in the morning and I, he, I’d found out he’d lied to me yet again and I kicked him out and that was it. I never saw him again, but then, even then we, we were supposed to fly to Spain, we were so we’d got up early to catch our flight and I just said, and I just, a switch went off in my mind and I just said, “Right, just go, just get out and if you don’t leave now I’m calling the police”. Because he was doing another one of his rants and I’m like this and you’re, you’re like this, and you’re like this. And this is all your fault and I just said, “Get out”. Because I just I think at that point I thought he’s never going to change. I was absolutely devastated. He then said, “Well, I can’t go to work without going away”. So he then booked himself a short trip to Spain anyway. And I was so and then I spoke to a friend of mine who said, that I’d over reacted so I ended up phoning him in Spain and saying, “I’m really sorry”. Thinking again it’s all my fault and, but then it was actually that particular weekend when I hadn’t gone away when I should have done when I googled his behaviour and that’s when I found the internet forum.

Oh, right. Right.

And I thought, right well I’ll wait and see what he does when he gets back and when he got back I got a text message saying, “I’m back home”. That was it. No apology. Nothing. For the way that he’d been. And that was it. I just thought right you’ve just told me everything I need to know.

And I never spoke to him again. He did try and contact me a few more times, but I wouldn’t speak to him.

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Profile Info

Age at interview:

46

Sex:

Background:

Liz is a 46 year old, white British woman who is divorced and lives in her own home with her three children and stepson. She works full-time as a Tax Director for a large professional services company.

Again I had a panic attack on the train coming home. It’s obviously clear to me now that I knew there was something really badly wrong.

Right.

But I wasn’t facing it. I was suppressing it all. And so I went to bed early. He came up to see me about 9 o’clock. And I now know he was getting this secret mobile phone, he wasn’t really, he was checking on what I was doing and getting his phone. So he went downstairs. And I woke up about 1.00 and I went downstairs. And he’d drunk, he’d had a bottle of wine, because I remember seeing the bottle of wine on the floor empty. And I saw something by his, because he was sitting at that end of the sofa, and I saw something here and I saw him quickly slip it into his pocket. But I didn’t know what it was. I thought it might have been a letter or something like that. I didn’t know what it was. So I said, “What’s in your pocket?” And he said, “Nothing. You’re paranoid,” and he started calling me names again. And by this time it was after midnight, so it was actually his son’s birthday. So he said, “Let’s go into the other - oh, because I’m going to text him.” So he ran into the other room because he was going to try to hide it. I followed him and I challenged him. And I always remember he was by his desk and he turned around, and the person I’d seen the previous August that was just filled with hate and cold anger was in front of me.

And I reached out to his pocket and it was a phone. I said, “It’s a phone.” And his voice changed. It was like just it was like if you were doing some sort of Hollywood movie and doing like an evil voice.

Right.

But it was like, “Sit down, you stupid cow. You’re not going to like what I’m going to tell you. And I haven’t loved you. I’ve never loved you [deep breath].” and so I went into the kitchen and he followed me in. And I asked about his relationship. I asked if it was with a man, because there was always something different, there was something about him that I thought it could have been a man.

Right yeah.

And he sat there just in silence, looking at me. And my heart’s breaking. And he’s looking at me as though he’s got absolutely no feeling whatsoever. And then I said I’d go to Relate, but only if he gave up whoever he was having a relationship with. And he said he’d go to Relate but he wouldn’t give it up.

Family members and friends often provided practical support on the day of leaving or immediately afterwards. Alonya’s friend offered her a temporary place to stay and ‘two big Polish guys’ helped her to move her belongings.

Ella is a 27 year old single white British woman with no children. She lives on her own in privately rented accommodation and works full-time.

So a couple of times we had physical fights. But, or if I said anything he’d say, “Oh shut up, you fucking slag, slut. Shut up. Shut up.” So you just don’t say anything. So we lived together all that time. The end of that relationship came. I finally feel that I had the strength to get away. And it was a bank holiday, he’d been out all night and he came home and something just came over me. And I didn’t feel angry, I didn’t feel, I just knew that this was going to be it. So he got into bed. I remember just feeling sick, I’d been awake all night. It must have been early hours of the morning, I heard the gate go, in he came. And instead of arguing or fighting or saying anything, I just thought, “This is it. This is going to be it.” So [deep breath] he got into bed and I just got, I think I just got up. And I was going to a car boot sale with my mum. And I got up, I went, we’d gone out for the day. And I ended up moving – where did I move? – I moved out of the house. I just knew I had the strength. I don’t know where it came from. Because I used to always pray and think, “I just want the strength, please somebody just give me the strength to get away from him, please, please.” So this one day I felt like I did have the strength to get away. So I’d been out and, again I can’t remember how, but I ended up moving out of that property and went to go and live with my dad.

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Profile Info

Age at interview:

46

Sex:

Background:

Liz is a 46 year old, white British woman who is divorced and lives in her own home with her three children and stepson. She works full-time as a Tax Director for a large professional services company.

Was this house available for you to move back into?

Yes, yes I’d never rented it out. So I was really lucky, really lucky. It wasn’t furnished like the way it is because all the furniture went up to [county]. But I’m good at doing. So that day and it was at that point his parents and his sister and his two brothers thought that the best idea was for me back, to move back to [city], and him to take the house in [county], given that it was his, and that he wouldn’t be you know, in a way it would keep him out of trouble, because if I wasn’t there then.

Yeah.

So they, his two brothers, one of who is a policeman, came up to [county]. So on the Saturday I decided to move; on the Sunday I moved.

Were they supporting you, helping you?

Yes they helped move all my furniture into a van. And because I, so I hired a locker, a storage locker, you know, a big storage thing. And then so I put the furniture in there, my furniture. Because I’d furnished the other house as well. He’d got me paying for everything in [deep breath] the other house.

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Profile Info

Age at interview:

39

Sex:

Background:

Stephanie is a 39 year old professional single white British woman, living by herself in a privately rented home. She works full time as a finance manager for a large organisation and does not have children.

And how about family? Do you think that you’ve had any support from your family through any of these experiences?

So, if I need things do around the house, again, I don’t live near to them.

Right.

They live a few hours away.

Right.

And they would come up they would do anything so when I moved down to [name of city] they helped me move. But in terms of emotional supp, no, I mean right after the first break-up my mum called me every day just to say, “How are you”? But if I was to try and talk about the relationship and how I was feeling she would change the subject. Try and jolly me along. And even now, if I mention anything about either of them she just says, “Well, choose not to be upset about it”. That’s what she said to me last week. “You can choose to be upset about something and you can choose not to be. So choose not to be upset”. And that’s what she says to me.

Chloe was kept a virtual prisoner and was ‘allowed’ twenty minutes to ‘visit the bank’ when she made contact with a friend and asked for her help to leave. Chloe said she had ‘amazing support’ for the process of leaving from friends and family. She was able to ‘couch-surf’ at friends’ houses until she got her own place to live.

Chloe is a 32 year old single white British woman born in South Africa. She lives on her own in a council flat. She works as a Holistic Bodywork Therapist but was unable to work at the time of the interview owing to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which developed in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Chloe is single with no children.

I went to the bank up the road and I did not go into the bank, that was never the point. My friend lived round the corner from the bank, so I, I knew I had like 20 minutes, the usual 20 minutes if that’s the area I was going to. I ran to her house and knocked on the door and I was just, “Please, please, please be home.” No answer. So I sat on the wall and just let it all out and thought, “Don’t know what to do. No one’s home.” And I just thought, “Try again, try again.” So I rang her phone and knocked at the same time, and luckily she was home, she was just in the shower. So she let me in. And I didn’t want to alarm her too much of the situation, so I just said, “Please contact my teacher,” my teacher being the one who has taught me all my therapies and a lot of that stuff. Because I know she is a very strong person. She has a wonderful network, she can reach a net, basically, to be caught in from every angle, and it can be done very quickly. So [crying] she did that for me. And then I had to pull it all back together and go back. Why [laughs, crying] would you go back? But at the time it’s almost like I was so beaten down I didn’t realise I could just run, you know.

So she was someone you’d seen through that?

She was in the group, the group I was learning with. He hated me going to that. He wanted to, you know, as soon as I went he was like, “Hmm [deep breath] no, she has other people in her life for support. She might talk to them or…”

Was this like a weekly training or something like that?

Once a month.

Right hmm.

So of course these, these people saw me in the group and they took one look and went [facial expression of shock].

Right yeah.

Because of the physical change and the state I was in, walking around like a zombie basically.

And did anyone say anything to you?

They did, they tried to, very gently, you know. They tried to help as well when I opened up with little things. But they were being very, very cautious because obviously they could see a much bigger scale than what I could at that point. So together they were already waiting to jump in, which I didn’t even know [laughs]. So landing up on this lady’s doorstep, as soon as she opened the door she was like [whispers], “Oh finally.”

Both Irina and Shaina had support from a neighbour to leave their abusive partners.

Irina is an Eastern European woman who is separated from her husband. She lives in a privately owned apartment with her two children (four and eight years old). Currently unemployed, she is actively looking for work.

I did school run up, yeah, for 24 hours what I did, I went to domestic abuse website and finally, because I real, realised that it’s domestic abuse …

Yeah.

… help and support and they recommended gather the most important documents and the most important what is the valuable, valuable things like pass, passports and what, what you need. And because I have really good neighbour, I ran to her, I gave her back, backpack and she said, “What happened?” And I told her, “You, you know what, it’s [clock chiming] yeah, I’ve been in this relationship for 10 years, sorry I have to tell you but its domestic abuse and can you help me?” And she said, “Yes, yes”. Because I didn’t know what, when he’s going to come.

Yes, where he’d gone and when …

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…

… he was going to come back, yeah.

And I thought, “Yeah, I’m ready”, and my son was sitting at home holding phone, any minute if daddy will arrive to call police. It’s just experience for my child, because of his crazy father …your child wants to call police…

Yeah.

… to report the, it’s just heart-breaking but …

So that was his, your son …

Yes.

… your son wanted to do that?

Yes, yes.

Even your son …

Yes. And after that, after school run, yeah, we had night. I had sleepless night, yeah, but I had so many sleepless night. Yeah, just, after I did school run, I sent him, kids to school and pre-school and I run to my when I was at home, he came in, I went out and he texted me, “I love you, I miss you”. And I run to my neighbour’s and I called [Women’s support service], probably I started to call the domestic abuse help line.

Jacqui is a white British, single, retired nurse with two adult children. She moved into a council rented flat three years ago after leaving an abusive marriage.

I went to see my GP.

Right.

And disclosed to her. And she was the one that actually put me onto our domestic abuse organisation.

A local based organisation?

Yeah, local, yes, yes.

OK, so she referred you to them?

She referred me. Yes, yes.

OK, and how did she react then when you disclosed to her the abuse you’d experienced?

She was very supportive actually. She wasn’t at all dismissive, very supportive and very kind really, very kind. She didn’t act shocked. But she didn’t make me feel uncomfortable with disclosing to her.

And did they, the organisation, contact you then or did you have to contact them?

I had to contact them. And they were very quick to respond, very quick.

So what support did they then provide to you?

Basically when they, when I first met my community support worker, she put into practice, into place things, practical things like making sure with the police it would be a rapid response if I had to phone up. practical ideas, like always having a bag ready in case I had to flee very quickly with all my documentation and, you know, basic stuff in. She was also very good at, she wasn’t judgemental, she was very supportive, she gave me options. I had the option that I could have gone into a refuge if I’d chosen to. But that’s not the way I wanted to actually do it. And she, you know, it was my decision completely. And when I did oh, she also helped me get a different banding with the council.

Right.

And she just let me talk and she didn’t ever tell me what I should do or what I shouldn’t do but was just, whatever I was saying, she would support me in whatever decisions I wanted to make, she supported me. And when I finally decided to go and I managed to get a flat she was wonderful, absolutely wonderful. Because I did leave without anything and it was like jumping off a cliff, it really was. And the flat I moved to, I had absolutely nothing, and she was able to access through various charities and organisations practical things for me, like beds, carpets, cooker, fridge freezer.

Yeah.

When I first moved into the flat I just had a little canvas fold up chair, I had no curtains, I had no carpets first of all but I had a front door key that was mine and I was safe.

So the community support worker, so that was through the local organisation, the women you saw, and how often did you meet with her?

Usually it was about once a week.

OK.

And we had this special code to make sure he wasn’t there.

Right OK.

That he’d gone to work and then she’d come round.

She’d come and see you at home?

She’d come to me, yeah, she’d come to me, yes.

And the time period from the back incident to actually having the flat, was that days, weeks, months?

Ooh goodness, let me think. It was probably, I think that was about probably about four or five months between first being in contact with her and actually getting my flat, yes.

And that was the same support worker then who sorted it all out?

Yes, yes.

And do you think it was important to have that consistent?

Oh absolutely, yes, because you do build up quite, you know, quite a close relationship. In fact I still see her now and I actually consider her a friend now, so yes, we have stayed in contact, and that’s three years.

And once you were in your own flat, so did she continue to see you quite a lot during the initial weeks and months you were in there?

Initially, yes, initially just as and when I needed it, support or just to drop in. You know, she’d ring me and say, “I’m in the area, do you want me to pop in for a cup of tea?” and that, and she would, yeah.

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Age at interview:

46

Sex:

Background:

Jessica is a single retired white British woman in her fifties. She has lived alone for three years since leaving her abusive marriage of 27 years. She has two adult children. She was employed until she developed fibromyalgia.

And would you describe what was going on as he was very controlling? Is that, that how it was for you?

Extremely controlling. Yes.

I mean, did you realise at the time that it was domestic abuse? Or not really?

I knew that there was something wrong in the marriage, that but I didn’t know it was domestic abuse. No. No. I didn’t find out about that until much, much later.

When abouts did that realisation come to you? Or …

After many years of marriage and friends said to me about going to the Freedom programme, and I just, the second session, the person that ran it just looked at me and said to me, “Do you want to make some phone calls?” And I just looked at her and went, “Mmm, yeah”.

And she took me aside and I made those phone calls. It was very, very difficult.

Who were the phone calls to?

I think one was, might have been to social services. The other one, I think, to [specialist domestic abuse services for women and children], I’m not sure.

At what stage, how far into your marriage was that event that you just described to me?

That was incredibly about 26 years.

Right. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. And how’d you’d coped with all that going on for 26 years?

I kept thinking maybe it was me, maybe I should keep trying and I kept trying in the marriage, you know, you just kept as you do, you keep trying and then after going, doing a couple of session at the Freedom programme I suddenly realised, you know, that it wasn’t me, that he’d been controlling and he’d been abusive and at that point even my son recognised that I’d changed. I suddenly decided to stop trying because I’d always tried in the marriage.

What does trying mean to you?

Just carrying on with the marriage, trying to keep it, pull ….

Trying to keep them happy, that kind of thing, do you mean? Or, or not particularly?

Not particularly, no. Just I don’t know, putting spice back into the marriage.

Right.

You know, anything really to hold it together.

Yes.

And when I actually stopped, for the first time I realised he hadn’t been trying for an awful long time. Probably hadn’t been trying for years and years.

He hadn’t been trying?

No.

No.

No.

So, what happened then? When you stopped trying.

Yeah, big wake-up call for me. I started seeing the flaws in our marriage then. And also having, and the knowledge the Freedom programme, we were learning about just, you know, how abusive he had been and lots of other women all in the same situation. And at that point I decided I was going to leave. And I started making preparations to leave.

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Age at interview:

44

Sex:

Background:

Kate is a single, well-educated, white British woman who lives with her two young children in their privately owned home. She is currently unable to work due to anxiety and depression.

My health visitor was an absolutely crucial form of support. She worked out what was going on and around about my daughter’s two year check. And she just kept checking in with me and she kept saying, you know, we were talking about things, getting me to talk about things, not in a, “Does he do this?” or, “Does he do that?” but, you know, “How are things going? Tell me a little bit about home. Tell me a little bit about the children. Tell me what your worries are.” And, you know, I started to open up a bit. And then she’d say, “Oh I think we’ve got more to talk about. Maybe we could meet again in a couple of weeks. What do you think? Would you like to meet for coffee?” And, and so we just kept meeting and kept meeting and there was this ongoing conversation that kept going and kept going and kept going. And then it got more and more clear what was going on. And she was the person I turned to when I accepted that this was an abusive relationship.

Role of other ‘outsiders’ in helping women to leave

Charlotte described how an unknown woman at a party ‘saw through my life, my marriage’ in a way that no family or friends had done, so that Charlotte decided she had to leave her husband.

Charlotte is a White British woman who lives in her privately owned home. She has three daughters, aged 11, 15 and 16 years and she works part-time as a teacher.

So we had a barbecue, which of course meant he gets to stand by the barbecue, drinking beer and barbecuing meat, and I’m doing everything else. And there were a couple there, a woman who he worked with and her girlfriend, never met either of them before. The girlfriend was a very feisty [Nationality] lady. So we had this barbecue, had all the niceties, everyone was drinking a bit. I put the girls to bed. And she start [laughs] she started, she’d obviously got the measure of him really quickly; she started pushing and kind of prodding a little bit and questioning him on certain things. She was questioning him about depression and questioning him about various things. And he was being she, she was kind of antagonising him, and he absolutely responded and he got crosser and crosser and crosser. And I got scared because he was frightening me by that point. And I spoke to her girlfriend and I said, “Pl - you’ve got to tell her to stop. Please ask her to stop, you know, he’s in a really bad place at the moment. He’s quite angry, he’s quite volatile and I’m feeling frightened. Please can you just tell her to stop?” And this girl was just kind of laughing it off really and said, “Oh God, there’s no stopping her once she’s off on one. You know, she’s a big grown-up, she’ll look after herself.” And I was getting more and more scared in this house full of people so I was kind of hiding in the kitchen quite a lot. I didn’t want to be out in the garden with everyone. I didn’t want to be exposed to it and listening to it. And this [removed] girl came into the kitchen and found me. She looked me straight in the eyes and she just said, “Oh my God.” And I said, “What?” And she said, “You’re just existing, aren’t you?” And it absolutely floored me, because I didn’t know her, didn’t know anything, never met her before and suddenly this woman’s in my house completely seeing through my life, seeing through my marriage, seeing right into me, things that nobody, you know, none of my friends, none of my family had seen it. And I just burst into tears and I just thought, “Do you know what, you’re absolutely right. How, how do you know like?” anyway, he was awful. He went into a complete drunken, drug induced rage that night and was quite scary.

Both Ana and Yasmin were migrant women living in relative isolation with few friends or family members nearby. For both women, meeting other mums at the school gate provided a crucial opportunity to get help to contact a Domestic Violence and Abuse Agency and to leave their abusive partners (see ‘Getting help from family and friends for domestic violence and abuse’).

Ana is white European and divorced. She has been living with her new non-abusive partner for one year, with her two children aged eight and ten years, in a rented flat. She works full-time as the Administrator of a Children’s Centre.

So what happened next?

Yeah, so I got … at that point, I was [pause] sorry, it’s such a big since, long time since … I’ll try and, I basically, I got talking to one of the mums at the school, and she kind of said, “Oh, where’s your other half?” and we look like a perfect family, and I said, “We’re so not. We’re like appearances deceive.” Anyway, this friend put me into contact with [name], that you know.

Right.

And she said, “Oh I know a lady that works at the refuge,” and I was like and I thought that was like, not overly religious, but I thought that was like oh my God, there’s someone, you know, looking over me.

Right.

Because it was just like wow, and I was like, “Oh wow, you know a lady that works in a refuge.”

Yes.

You know, because it was very, it’s quite, it’s unknown to, you know, it’s a bit scary, “the refuge”.

Yeah. Yes.

Even the word refuge is like …

Yes.

… you know, scary. Anyway, so this friend put me into contact with [name] and I think, as I started talking to this friend, there was an incident with him and then I was texting her, and then my, my friend texted me back, just like a long text of support but now looking back, it was definitely [name], because I know [name].

Oh right.

Telling her what to write to me, to like …

Right.

… “You don’t need to put up with that,” and you know.

Yes.

and [name] put me into contact with the local domestic violence agency again but it was a different team because I lived in a different borough than before.

Yasmin is a 32 year old British Asian woman living with her three children in a Housing Association house. She left her family in Pakistan when she was seventeen, to live in the UK with her married sister and to enter into an arranged marriage with the brother of her sister’s husband. She has little education, no work experience, and has recently taught herself to speak English.

When I was going to that school on everyday basis … I have a neighbour, she’s Irish …

Uh-huh.

… she live few houses away from me … she work in the council. She asked me many times, ‘Let’s go for a pizza’, because her children and my children are in similar classes and similar years.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

‘Let’s go out, have cup of tea. Let’s go library, there is a reading challenge, there’s this challenge.’

Yes, yeah.

Or your … my son have very wonky hair, teeth …

Yes.

… and she always, ‘Oh you should go to dentist.’

Yes.

Oh I … said to her I’m not even registered at a dentist. And she … always says hello and hi. And when I went home and I realised nobody can help me, she asked me, ‘What’s wrong? Surely something is wrong?’

And then she started coming to my house my husband didn’t like it, he … accuses me, oh you want to have life like white people, miniskirts, boyfriends, and this and that. So he didn’t say anything to her, but surely she can sense he is not … happy … meet with it. She gave me one stop shop card.

Oh right.

She hugged me.

Right.

Because my husband, he was on the road in that car slowly …

Right.

… watching.

Yes.

She slipped that card and she asked me, ‘Can you read this card?’, and ‘Please tear the card and flush it.’ Because she knew that that … she never knew when he was living with me or not, because he was under the mosque command not to visit me in home.

Right, yeah. Had she been through something herself, is that why she knew?

Yeah, but she works in … like social services.

Right, yes.

She gave me the card. The card doesn’t say anything, it’s just says ‘One Stop Shop’ and then underneath it says ‘Domestic violence free helpline’ and this and that.

Right.

I start calling them. I explain my situation. They can pretty much … make me like pack up my dresses, pack up your children things, pack up something which you can’t leave.

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