A Moment of Discouragement

I was watching a video of one of the writers I look up to giving advice. He mentioned how you can’t force it. Now, I knew this tip long before, but when watching the video and listening to what he was saying with the context I had, I literally cried. I felt like everything I had been doing up to this point was a waste of time and that I should hate my life. What makes this moment of existential all that more dramatic is the fact I wrote a post just yesterday about how making crap is my life. This is gonna be a big one fucks.

In the context of the video, he mentioned how he wanted to be a filmmaker growing up yet he never did any of it. He had a professional film camera but he never shot anything nor did he enjoy the process. I started thinking about my own career as a Youtube personalty and a blogger to which I just freaked out as established. My world tipped upside down but why?

You see, I have this constant self doubt with whether I like things or not. I will relay some incoherent or really tries to sound legit information to myself on why something that makes me happy doesn’t. Why did I do this? I don’t know! I wish I did! It’s a bad habit I’ve grown and one that I easily hate.

I think it all began with the way I’ve grown up. In School I had these crippling self esteem issues while at the same time having an ego problem. What? At that time, anything I liked and anything I did that wasn’t expected by normies I thought was the devil. Even now, I look back on things I did that weren’t so normal and get mad. Anything that made me happy or anything that wasn’t thought to be good by everyone else (for a time) I always was forced to doubt. I did this because I just wanted to be accepted. As I got older I realized I don’t need the acceptance of those idiots because I’m FAR better by comparison anyway.

But that mindset of doubting what I believe in is very much still there. When watching this video all the feels were messing with me. I told myself that I didn’t enjoy writing and that I’m simply forcing myself to do it. Even though, just by knowing myself I know I love writing. Not for normal writer reasons or reasons I even understand, but I just do it. I don’t need to explain it nor would I want to. But the problem is I try to make it seem like I have to.

It’s an up hill battle with myself that I myself always lose and feel depressed by the end. When I first got into Metal (Black Metal in particular) I was always telling myself I didn’t really like it, that I always was somehow forcing myself to like it which if you know me that claim is bat shit insane. I write because I want to, yes, but there have been times when I had an idea and I wanted to “force” myself to do it. But I didn’t do it that day did I?

I think the bigger question in mind here is, what the hell is “forcing it” or “forcing” yourself to make art anyway?! I think for me it’s when you do it even though you don’t want to or you try really hard to make an aspect out there when you really don’t like it. But the problem for me individually with this mindset of forcing it is, I often have to “force” myself just so I can get in and start enjoying the process. That’s why this term doesn’t work for me. In essence, I become so depressed I don’t wanna do anything with my life most days, but by way of “forcing” myself to write I get happy and have fun.

So am I looking at “forcing” something right here? Or is my context of forcing it just completely weird and off the spectrum? When I started this Article however I didn’t have to force anything. I just felt emotional and wanted to write something to get my thoughts out. Does that mean the rules aren’t always consistent?

Words are words. There’s only so much you do in that space, and not everyone is the same. I know exactly what that guy in his video meant by forcing something. My way of forcing is just different and productive. Not to say I don’t experience the normie writer’s version. Whenever I’m editing a video unless I’m in that special mood it often does feel forced. But that’s editing. My editing for videos is very standard and it doesn’t make or brake a video as long as it’s done and looks nice i.e. everything syncing right. Not to say there haven’t been times I had fun in editing.

Maybe the reason why I cried wasn’t because i doubted my writing maybe it was my drawing. I’ve wanted to draw for years on end, but never really took the time to do it. I’ve bought countless books, and I downloaded plenty of tutorials. I have stories I wanna tell through a visual medium, but I might just not be suited for that in the same way he wasn’t suited to be a filmmaker.

I always sat there and thought it was because I didn’t have the time to draw because I always was making other stuff. That’s true to a degree. My main focus is blogging and videos. I don’t add much time ever for drawing. It’s something I just wanna sit down one day and start. I’ve done a few times before, but I didn’t really enjoy it. Sure I did a little, but maybe the reason why I don’t draw is simply because it’s not my thing.

When I first started trying to do it seriously I had plenty of time on my hands. I had unlimited resources, and I drew a lot. Everything I drew was awful, and I could never understand the rules of drawing. Sketching and seeing shapes in real life were alien concepts to me. I just drew the lowest common denominater Art and said screw it. After doing so, I felt so guilty about using that expensive equipment.It was both a guilt thing and a matter of “everyone else is better then me. I can’t do anything good”. These days, it’s a time issue, lack of motivation, and me probably just not being suited for it.

In that case, I shouldn’t waste my life chasing something I can’t do. Dreams are nice, but let’s be realistic to a point. I can have stories to tell, but if I don’t enjoy drawing I won’t get very far in cartoons. I’ll try a few more times, get some foundation. If that doesn’t work, I should just focus on my writing and video career because I know full heartedly (even though I may doubt it sometimes) I LOVE doing this. I can visit other mediums later, try, try, try again. But I’ll always know what I love the most. Cheers to years more of my Internet creations!

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