An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the manjust shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks .. . . like I said . . . my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?

Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ...so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

_________________You're probably wondering why I'm here(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

A blizzard stuck the small town on Saturday night. Sunday morning found the church empty except for one old farmer. The preacher asked, "Do you want me to preach anyway?" The farmer said, "Well, if I went to feed my cattle and only one steer showed up, I'd still feed him." So the minister gave him his best. But when the preacher began his third hour, the farmer raised his hand. "Reverend, if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I wouldn't feed him all my hay!"

Q: What's the difference between a plumber and a chemist?A: Ask them to pronounce unionized.

A computer programmer's wife asks him to go to the store for a loaf of bread. She also says, "If they have eggs, get a dozen." He comes back with 12 loaves of bread.

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician replies: "Yes."

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked women on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said, "This is pointless" and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go on with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on the way out, "Don't you see, you'll never actually reach her!" The engineer replied, "So what? Soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

A bloke stands before st peter at the pearly gates..."you can not enter unless you can tell me something good you have done" he tells the man."ok, once I saw a gang of youths harassing an old lady, so I said 'I think you better stop, or else I'll kick your arses'"."very good" says st peter, "when was this?""about two minutes ago".

To honour Bob en George, of which I just found 4 out of all 6 episodes are on YouTube (and a fifth is on a VHS at my place), here's one small section of their absurd comedy:(performed while dancing)G: You know Bob, there are homophiles, there are necrophiles, there are heterophiles... do you think that there might e such a thing as a dinosaurophile? A person who would only sleep with a dinosaur?B: If such a person would exist today, he would have to satisfy himself with an inflatable specimen. Provided he's capable of doing anything after inflating it.

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whisky and beer and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate buns and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

A man goes to the doctor and says, 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.The man asks, 'Is it serious, doctor?' The doctor replies, 'I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

_________________You're probably wondering why I'm here(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

Three logicians walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Do all of you want a drink?" The first logician said, "I don't know." The second logician said, "I don't know." The third logician said, "Yes!"

A forgetful old gasman named DieterWho went poking around his gas heaterTouched a leak with his light;He blew out of sight— And, as everyone who knows anything about poetry can tell you, he also ruined the meter.

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