I think you are working two different posters into one. I am the original poster and there are no issues in my marriage other then my husbands discomfort with me forming a relationship with someone who shares a similar kink to myself.

Ahh, so I have. My apologies. Also, my most sincere apologies for my role in derailing the thread away from your issue. So, to bring us back on-topic...

Quote:

I asked my husband more about what he means by being 'punished' by not being into spanking. He explained that Mike gets to do something that has been a part of my sexual fantasies since childhood and he feels like he is missing out on something or some part of me.

I think what's needed here is simply acceptance. He *is* missing out on something. Sure, he's not into it and you're not the one making him miss out... But it's not irrational to feel inadequate when you really are unable to meet some of your wife's sexual needs.

It's possible that as long as you weren't getting your spanking desires met, he was able to tell himself that it wasn't that big of a deal, that you were fine without it. But then you come home all glowing because you can't really sit comfortably and that feels fantastic, and he gets to see how important it really is to you, and the bubble bursts.

So rather than gloss over it and tell himself it's irrational to feel that way, I think he needs to just allow himself to feel a little bummed out about it. You can't get over something until you actually accept it. Most things like that, once you actually truly accept them, you can go through a mourning process over them, and then the process completes and you no longer need to feel bad about it. But that process can't begin so long as your husband thinks it's dumb to feel bad about it.

Next is to realize that even though, yes, you have needs he can't meet... that's not the end of the world, and it doesn't even change anything within your relationship. You still love him just as much and you still enjoy the kind of sex that you do have just as much. I mean, his inability has been there all along, it just wasn't accentuated as much as it is now that you're getting it somewhere else. But as far as the two of you are concerned, nothing's changed.

At the same time, he can also choose to acknowledge the things that he has that no one else has, the things he can do for you that no other man can. I don't know what those are, but you probably do. Tell him how much those things mean to you and let him bask in his own awesomeness.

__________________“As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.”—bisexualbaker