Ask yourself that before you read this if you know me in the "real world". Do you want to read about days I think you walk on water? About days I want to choke you until you turn blue? About sex? About sadness and pain and pasts? About the things that go through my mind?

Consider it carefully. This blog is a doorway to every secret in my soul. Do you really want to know that much?

Could a person who knew me in "the real world" even handle that much?

Everything that is me is written here. Before you read it, ask yourself some serious questions because you can't unring a bell.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

So, about those signals...

Earlier I posted about signaling your lover that you wanted to have sex. Let's talk a bit more about signals.

At about 8 pm, EH sat on the couch watching tv. I crawled over, straddled him, kissed him and told him how I wanted him later that night. I got a lot of "Oh yeah?" and smiles. Later, in the kitchen, I scratched his back and he said "I'll give you an hour or so to stop doing that" and I responded with "Wait until you see what else I'd like to do to you for awhile".

We have a parent/teacher conference early in the morning, so we both knew it needed to be an early night. We watched Nip/Tuck and at the conclusion, I headed for the bedroom...

...and EH? Well, he didn't.

He went online, played on a website he's obsessed with, ironed a shirt, took out the trash and after 45 minutes he came upstairs. He went into the bathroom for another 15 minutes and finally, after over an hour had passed, he climbed into bed.

Yeah.

That's a pretty clear signal.

For the record, "No" would have worked too and probably done less to alienate me and irritate me.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Nip/Tuck Episode 2 Ramblings

"Tell me what you don't like about yourself..."

Previously, on Nip/Tuck: Sean and Julia had marital strife and Christian fucked every woman over the age of 18.

Dr. Forsythe wants plastic surgery for her gorilla, KiKi. Of course! Because Kiki wants to mate with a gorilla she met on some ape dating video and is worried about a scar. I'm not making this up. Gorilla's are so shallow. Ew.

Okay, introduction song. That hand moving to the pulse still freaks me out. What is that???

Sex scene, of course... Matt and Ava??? I'm betting on a dream. But still...ew. And, Ava being a man is just that much funnier... Yep. Dream. Better change those sheets, Matt... Ew.

What's with this kid, Matt...he's looking more like Michael Jackson every episode. Oh, ew....he found Ava's son (what was his name?). Maggots. Ew.

New doctor Quentin befriending the office lesbian. Liz isn't thrilled about the gorilla-discrimination. Oh, poor Christian cut his finger...I'd be happy to nurse him back to health...but wait - what is this blood brother shit Quentin is spouting? Is this really how we bond at work now? Let's all self mutilate? Ew.

Mmmm. Quentin is challenging the Cuban guy. Let's hear his sob story. Whine, whine, whine. Boo-freaking-hoo. I have more sympathy for the scarred horny gorilla. Ew.

Interruption! Julia is calling from the police station. Adrian (THAT'S his name!) is dead. And Matt still looks like a freak. EH is pointing out that it's bad for a plastic surgeon to have a son who is beginnning to resemble Michael Jackson. Ew.

Whoa....Matt was at the house looking for an extra ticket to go be with Ava? Can't stay away from her, I mean him??? Ew.

Ohhhhhh, hell. Sean has to discuss Ava and....vaginal reconstruction? Matt didn't know about Ava? I forgot about that! I thought he knew!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!! Okay, THAT was funny! Ew.

[Even Husband takes over the stenography. Expect wise-ass comments]

>That Match.com ad mentioned "Penguin Buffs". Watching this episode made me think they were referring to some kind of animal procedure.

>Matt finds out his girlfriend is a re-tread male so he hits a full quart of Pinot Noir. I think the occasion calls for something like Night Train, but I'm old school like that.

>They're at the zoo. That one lion could use a chin job.

>OK, I missed the book..."Chesty Organ" was it? The mom looks shocked, but if you ask me the images looked like normal women--which is something I think she'd be happy about.

>Oh holy hot damn--a promo for the upcoming hockey season. Too great to have that coming

>Gramma walks in as the dysfunctional tyke is hitting the bong. Who at all is shocked that she starts "sparkin' the owl" along with him? This family makes the Kennedys look like the Teletubbies.

> Now Gram is talking about anal stimulation. That would have sent me into a bong.

>This kid can't win--he only attracts the trannys. The only women hitting on him in this bar are as feminine as a carborator.

>"I don't want a girl with a dick!" No, he prefers men without them--HUGE difference.

>Here we go--Matt goes around the bend...But how???

>All right, he loses the mullet. Drastic. Now do we call him G.I. Jane?

>They can NOT make jump cuts to a scene of them vacuming an ass like that!

The post is called Two for Tuesday because I plan to post again later tonight with my Nip/Tuck ramblings.

The week progresses with work continuing to be a major focus. We had a bout of hot sex Sunday night and I took a moment to remind EH today that I was always ready for sex!

Matching people sexually is nearly as impossible as matching them romantically. Rarely do you get a perfect match in both areas.

Sexually, I wish EH was more demanding. Hounding me for sex. Trying to convince me to have sex even when I wasn't in the mood, because let's face it if I'm not in the mood, it really only takes a minute of two of touching before I am in the mood.

EH is a gentle lover. Never pushing, never demanding. As much as I appreciate that, I want to be pushed and demanded of. I want a horny husband.

It's odd because my best friend is forever complaining about her husband and his incessant demands for sex. I can understand how she might feel that way, but I can't help wishing EH was half as demanding. As it is, we have this subtle dance of foreplay. EH cuddles close to me in bed. I know that if he starts to touch my breasts he is in the mood, so I wait for that 'signal'. It's often annoying to be wondering if he'll move in that direction.

Monday, September 26, 2005

The Wheel Turns

I don't often write about my paganism because it's a very private thing to me. I'm not open to religious debates, nor do I want to broadcast my witchy ways because for a time they were trendy and I would never want to be seen that way.

Still, from time to time, it is necessary to refer to them to better understand my thoughts.

The autumn equinox has just passed. In paganism, the seasons are thought of as the "Wheel of the Year", turning and changing seasons in a metaphor for life. We are born (spring), we thrive (summer), we age and reflect (fall) and we die (winter) so that new life can be born. Now is a time for reflection, for reaping that which we have sown, for harvesting our lives in preparation for the winter.

I reflect on the past year. A year ago, I was deeply wounded and recovering from a nearly fatal blow to my marriage, the loss of a baby I had wanted for so long and several other lesser crisises. I was working at an entry level position in an industry that was new to me. I was trying to rebuild my life. In the span of a year, I have moved on to become an upper level manager in that same industry (record time, I have to say with pride) and I am prepared to take stock of my life.

My marriage is stronger. Not perfect. Not wonderful. The dreamlike days of pure romance that we experienced in the wake of our problems was very much like a second honeymoon and we have now settled into a more solid and comfortable place together. I still long for the romance of it all, but feel slightly more secure in finding comfort together again.

My relationship with my mother is over. She only has the ability to be hurtful and withdrawn right now and has no interest in help from me. She has to find her way through this depression alone. I can only pray she'll go back on her medication for bi-polar and that one day we can reconnect before it's too late. It still hurts me a lot, but I am learning to let go. You can't hold someone who doesn't want you to be near them. A lot of damage has been done and there's a chance that she may recover and find I can't be the close friend I was to her for so many years. I can't imagine ever being close to her again. Being pushed away by your mother is very painful.

My career has taken off and will hopefully continue to do so. I never did give you the details, so I will now. Basically, the company I was at under CB (Crazy Boss) was falling apart and a day at work felt more like a 3-ring circus. So much so that PlayBoy and I would often hum the circus theme under our breath as a mutual joke. Cb and PlayBoy were both seeking other opportunities that we could pursue as a team. I told them both that I had contacts and could help. CB dismissed me. PlayBoy came to me and said "make the call". I did. 24 hours later I handed him a company. An existing company looking to branch out in the direction we had mastered has offered us the chance to build through them. We took it. PlayBoy, myself and EH. I expect Gman and Dgirl to join us soon.

I've grown up a little. I've turned my back on impulses that I would normally welcome because I recognized that they would only mean problems in the long run. I've made decisions based on the long term/big picture and not just the here and now. I've made choices that I feel are valid and well thought out. I've learned a great deal.

The most important thing I have learned is to question myself. My feelings are often across the board and that's okay. I am allowed to feel things, but how I act upon those feelings is another matter. I am slowly learning to control my reactions and not give flight to every feeling I experience.

I've gained a small bit of confidence back, but recognize that I have a long way to go.

I have no idea where next fall might find me. This has been a rollercoaster of a year and I would be a fool to try to guess. But I will draw on the things I have experienced, the good and the bad, and use that knowledge to make better choices every chance I get.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Wasn't I promised a weekend???

And so, The Corpse Bride was lovely. Just lovely. Not enough to replace my favoriteThe Nightmare Before Christmas, but still charming and beautiful. The amount of painstaking work that went into it was nothing short of inspiring. The seamless flow of the characters is created by filming puppets frame by frame. Everytime a character blinks, it's shot after shot of a "puppet" with the eyelids being lowered a fraction at a time and them run together. 24 frames to a second. It took 3 years to make. Art.

I'm not sure why the dark side of things appeals so much to me. Spooky, dark, creepy things just thrill me. There's a white wedding cake adorned with skulls in The Corpse Bride that had me gasping and longing for it as my own wedding cake. I'm not gothic, but for some reason the beauty of the dark side of life just appeals to me.

Today I worked. Poor EH bravely escorted 3 small children to Disney on Ice while I toiled away. I still think he had the worse end of the deal. Meanwhile, myself, BestFriendM and new boss (I think I will call her LadyR) worked.

I like LadyR. A lot. Strangely, we seem to be a lot alike in personality and professionally I admire the hell out of her so far. She's also beautiful (in my opinion, hopefully NOT EH's!) and I find myself laughing a lot with her. She seems to have her shit together and she does NOT take crap from anyone. I hope this all bodes well for the future. Three women, one company...look out world!

Tomorrow...more work. Us three gals will rejoin and get that office in line OUR way. I am sad to miss my weekend, but I know it needs to be done.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Heart Scars

It's been nearly a year since I started this blog. Originally, I began writing in anger. I had stumbled upon evidence of an ongoing "virtual affair" EH was having with a Texas blogger. I wrote to vent. I wrote to make sense of my life. I wrote because I needed to talk and had no idea who I could talk to.

It's a strange thing when you are hurt and betrayed by your spouse. You don't want to turn to friends and family for comfort and advice because you hold a tiny, fragile hope that you can be happy together again and you don't want your loved ones poisoned against your lover. You feel alone, lost, dead inside.

I was fortunate that this was only a virtual affair, although it was pretty involved and at least one attempt was made for them to meet in person. It could have been much, much worse. I don't think I would have ever been willing to love my husband completely again if he had consumated the affair in person, as opposed to the phone calls and photos and IMs and emails that they shared. We've been very fortunate to rebuild our life together and overcome a crisis of marriage.

But in some ways, we're scarred for life.

I won't ever fully trust again. Not my husband, not another person. Not myself. If EH and I have a rough time or have to cope with stress, I begin to feel paranoid. I interpret small things as warning signs. I suspect him of everything. I feel the mistrust build inside me. I begin to feel fear and doubt. And in truth, I am much more inclined to run and flee my marriage rather than to ever experience anything like I survived in 2004.

The marks we leave upon people, even strangers, can last a lifetime. EH and I will forever have to face the problems that will always exist between us. The scars may have healed, but will never fully go away. And somewhere, someone else was a party to this. Someone with no regard for my life stepped into it and hurt me. Hurt us. I've come far enough to not care about her existence, but I never stop hoping that kharma catches up with her.

Our life is radically different in so many ways from last year. In some ways, I admit that this experience bettered our life. The price we paid was dear though. To lose the ability to trust people and to forever be expecting hurt again is a hard path.

It's been over a year. June 15th marked the one year moment that I found out. 15 months later and this is how far I've gotten.

I no longer daydream about finding her and punishing her myself. She only crosses my mind from time to time and then it's with more disgust then hate. I no longer watch anxiously for a signal that EH might betray me, but I do still flinch when something strikes me as "off" in our pattern of life. I don't think about it every day, but I do immediately remember it all when EH and I fight. The moment we get heated with one another, which is admittedly not often, I am instantly convinced it could happen again. And my first instinct is that I would rather escape than to ever risk that hurt again. Being betrayed by the one person you love and trust the most is simply devastating.

More than a year later. You never really get over it. You never fully recover what you lost. The scars are always there to remind you.

We have to be careful how we cross people's lives. Consider how your choices might affect someone else's life. Have SOME sense of value for decency and right/wrong and for kindness. Look beyond your own immediate wants and needs before you usurp another person's life - a loved one or a complete stranger. This "other woman" was able to just move on the day I personally booted her out of my husband's life, but her actions and choices will have a lifelong affect on my ability to love and trust. And I was a stranger to her. My husband hasn't recovered from this either. We've made good progress, but he will also have to live with this for the rest of our life together. He will have to cope with my fears, my worries and my doubts. He will have to endure my questions when I feel paranoid. He will have to worry that I might spook and leave the marriage.

That when you attempt to discuss your feelings about something people are more interested in telling you why you "shouldn't" feel that way.

Don't the feelings themselves matter at all?

If I feel like we're 'far away' from each other or like we're 'growing apart', wouldn't it be better to care that I feel that way then to explain to me why you I'm wrong to feel that way? I didn't say you did something wrong. It's not about right or wrong.

Julia and Sean? Really? Okay... Um....maybe not... When did Julia become such a slut???

Those are the ugliest breasts I have ever seen...How hot would Dr. Troy be in those new brown scrubs? Ew. I've changed my mind, I will never get a boob-job. Heh, good to see Liz hasn't changed.

Too bad Kimber is such a skank. Don't tell me he's back with her. MARRY ME???? Are you fucking kidding me???? (I'll marry him) Thank god she's saying no (dumb-ass) but how realistic is that? We all know she'd marry him in a heartbeat. I mean, c'mon - it's a little late for her to grow values.

Does anyone really believe Julia and Sean will divorce? I'm not buying it.

Commercial break. A special preview of Rent! Woohoo! I love this song! 525,600 minutes! How do you measure - measure a year? Me and BestFriendM are totally seeing this. Sea-sons of lo-o-o-o-ve! Was this really the musical phenomenon that defined a generation? Ooooooh! Another preview coming soon of Memoirs of a Geisha (my favorite book!). The commercials are nearly as good as the show!

Damn. Pretty shrink. Christian's totally going to fuck her by the 3rd episode. Hung like a toddler? That would be heart-breaking.

ACK!!!!!!!! Did they seriously just show Christian Troy getting ass-raped??? This is distracting me from him being naked in the shower. I can't take these vacillating emotions! I couldn't appreciate his bare ass.

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo Sean. Asshole. Have you ever met a bigger cry-baby? This is getting ugly... Only a true man-hating lesbian could give him that dry of a greeting.

Uh-oh...new victim? This isn't looking good. What could be worse? A fat lady? What am I missing? How is being fat worse than being carved up and ass-raped by a guy in a mask?

Commercial break. Ooooh! Memoirs of a Geisha! Looks good. Did I mention I love this book?

The fat lady is alive? Are you kidding me? She smells that bad? Oooooh, she likes Sean! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Go get her, tiger! This lady is pretty fucking far from fine. Wow...this is all new levels of fat. I may have to give up eating entirely. It's not your freaking sciatica! It's the side of beef you had for breakfast. Oooooh, shit...this is gross. She is fucking grown into the couch. How do you let yourself get to this point? Holy hell. When they have to cut a WALL out of the house to get you out of it and transport you on a flatbed truck, you have problems. I swear, I just gave up fried foods. And couches.

Are we sure she's not sitting on her husband?

I love Dr. Troy's sunglasses. I love Dr. Troy IN sunglasses. He could do my boob-job. If I was having a boob-job. He could do a few dozen consultations for me anyway.

Who's this schmuck? Quentin? The role of sexy, flirty doctor is FUCKING filled, what part of that don't you get? Loser. Leave.

Heh. Priceless look on his Christian's face. What's the matter? Not into the big women, Dr. Troy? You're so shallow. I still love you.

Commerical break: Fun with Dick and Jane? Wow...this sounds a little like my last job. "We may be in a little bit of a pickle, Dick" - are you kidding me? Okay...the electric dog collar thing made me laugh, I admit it. I'll see this one when it's on dvd.

Hey! Christian just pulled a Clark Kent!

THAT'S her husband??? She's UMA IN KILL BILL to him??? How drunk is he?

Yawn, Julia's mother and her divorce talk. Dull, dull, dull.

Ew. Ew. Ew. She doesn't want her husband to see her without her FACE on???

Yeah...go slow. She just wants to keep holding Christian's hand. Almost worth getting fat and growing into a couch for. How'd she get this role?

Ahhhh, Christian has the hot shrink in his place. She's toast. Toast, I tell you. Who can resist Christian? Heh, yeah he's hard, but the anal thing isn't very nice. I'm thinking seconds until she's naked. Yeah...she wants him. Sob story time. Widowed after 6 months. Blah, blah, blah - any moment and she's naked and sweating. Lie down? REAL professional. RE-ENACT the attack??? Sick bitch. Just fuck him. You know you're going to. What's with this shit? Is crawling on top of him therapeutic? He's not exactly complaining, is he? She hikes up the skirt and straddles him? Aaaaand they're kissing. Aaaand they're fucking.

God, he's hot. And naked. Kinda naked. Geeez, pants OFF Christian.

Whooooops! Hi Kimber! Ahahahahahahaha! Whoa. No way. THREEsome???? Only Christian. Kimber's still a skank. Christian's still a dog. How on earth can these two women be all over each other with him right there? He's too hot to ignore.

Blah, blah, blah, Julia and Sean at odds again. He's signing and she's ready to back off. Think this'll go on for a whole season? Yawn!!!

Stay tuned for scenes from this season of Nip/Tuck.

Commercial break: All The Kings Men. A LOT of movies. Sean Penn. Yawn. Never been a Sean Penn fan. He annoys me.

Okay! Scenes! Threesomes, gorillas, hey - what the fuck happened to Matt? Dead bodies with mixed up parts? Ew, sex toy in the corpse. Hey - who's that kid having sex with the body? Is psycho-wench life counselor's son the Carver? That was my guess...

Monday, September 19, 2005

Yo-ho, yo-ho - a pirate's life for me! (Be sure to mouse over the pants pirate!)

We-e-ell! Shiver me timbers! Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day! If you need a wee bit o' help gettin' inta the spirit, ya can generate yer own blasted Pirate name here, ya scallywag.

Aye, t'is a fine day in this Wench's cursed life. Broward County schools are going to be closed tomorrow for Tropical Storm (soon-to-be) Hurricane Rita bearing down just south of us. A small jog will put this windy bitch right on top of us again.

EH and I survived day 1 of the new job, although PlayBoy is beginning to piss me off with his cavalier antics. His "distraction" better be over and gone by Wednesday or there could be hell to pay. Perhaps a long walk on a short plank would do the trick?

SG is packing to spend the night with a girlfriend and have a Hurricane Party. So, a night alone with my darling Pirate King. Would be even better if I hadn't just started my period. SO much for hot sex... Arrrrgh, the cursed red tide does conjure a miserable night for my Pirate King's swarthy ship.

CB and I exchanged emails today and are on the path towards righting things between us.

...and I came home tonight for the first time in months feeling non-stressed and pleased even with a sudden Hurricane looming again.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Crossroads

***Warning: Long Post Ahead***

I find myself at a crossroads, of sorts.

First, a quick bright note. The weekend was lovely. EH and I ran errands all day Friday, getting new tires, an oil change, boarding our labrador...on Saturday morning we woke SG at 6 am and she was extraordinarily cheery. I began to wonder if she knew something was up. We told her we had a ton of meetings and errands to run and she went along with it. We were on the road, heading north when we finally began to break it to her.

EH asked how she felt about her parents lying to her and she was confused. We told her we weren't really running errands, but heading to Universal Studios. She was shocked. It took several moments for her to grasp it. We had a great day. We rode rides, we laughed, we ate, we enjoyed each other thoroughly. It was wonderful. No cell phone, no stress, no drama - just us. PlayBoy and his family were there too, although we didn't meet up until dinnertime. It was a pleasure to chat with his wife and SG hit it off with his stepdaughter quite well.

We got home today around noon and have been lazy ever since.

So...drama updates. I actually dread writing them, but a part of me hopes getting them out will start the closure process.

First, on Thursday I went to lunch with EH and G-man. CB called me on the way back from lunch and asked if EH and I could come see her this weekend. I explained that we had travel plans and couldn't and she told me she had another new opportunity. Some Texas millionaire was going to front the money for her to open a wholesale lending company and she was taking all of 'us'. There were promises of fabulous offices, equipment, investors and so on. She wanted me. I felt sick. I told her I needed to speak with her immediately.

I returned to the office and sat down with her and told her that this would be my last day. I explained that I had gone out and found my own opportunity and that I was exhausted by the drama and stress of the office. She began to ask if she had a place in my new company. I diplomatically offered to check and left it there.

I planned to work late Thursday to finish all my tasks and not leave any loose ends. At about 5:20 pm, CB's young son was running and playing when a 300 lb table top to a conference room table fell on his leg. It turned purple instantly and we were all sure it was broken. CB scooped him up and raced out of the office to the hospital. I spoke with her by cell every 15 minutes to talk, comfort, check on him, etc. In the end, the diagnosis was "acute contusion" (bad bruise) and crutches and an orthopedic specialist to check the knee were suggested.

Friday morning, EH and I were determined to forget the drama. But the day started with CB's calls to rehash her opportunity. Her millionaire had committed to her and she wanted me on board. We hung up and I avoided her calls for the rest of the day.

My voice mails ran the gamut from "I love you no matter what you choose" to "Why aren't you calling me back?" to "I heard from people in the office that you don't trust me, why can't you talk to me?"

I was never so relieved to be on the road away from my cell phone signal in my life. (MetroPCS, unlimited local and long distance but limited service area) I can only imagine what spiral she's turned by now.

I'm torn. Honestly, I am torn. During the past few months, I have seen small glimpses of this woman and I believe she means well. But I've also seen her insanity and her hypocritical side and been amazed at her manipulative and awful she can be. Do I walk away? Do I owe her a return call to lay it all out there and tell her how I feel and apologize, but draw a boundary?

It's a large industry with a small and tight grapevine. We're bound to see one another, heck - half my new staff was once hers. There are ties, like them or not. To walk away and ignore her is to create an enemy. Perhaps I need to have that talk with her and just explain all my concerns and feelings and leave it on at least an honest note. Things right now are a mess between us and I don't want to be tripping over this mess for years to come. I would rather clean it up and face the results.

Sometimes you clean up a room and find an ugly carpet underneath instead of a pristine rug, but walking across it is a hell of a lot easier when you aren't tripping over the scattered castoffs.

I'm leaning towards the latter choice. I just need to first muster the energy and time to do it and today is not that day.

Tomorrow starts the new job for EH and I. I got the title of "Wholesale Production Manager". Impressed? Don't be. It was for political reasons and although it has much room to grow, it starts with a small role.

I have a bone to pick with PlayBoy tomorrow. He did a boneheaded thing and needs to get chewed out. As Sales Manager, he "hired" someone without consulting anyone else (which he is required to do) and when I heard the name, my jaw dropped. He hired his long-distance mistress. I'm planning to return his boxer shorts (no longer pinned to the wall!) to him tomorrow morning. A shame if she happens to be around to see it. He's off immediately for a tradeshow, but he won't go without knowing I'm ticked off that he would mess around with our 'new' venture by pulling exactly the sort of stunt CB would have done. I adore PlayBoy, as rotten as he can be, and I'll be damned if he's going to create any of the drama we just escaped...

Friday, September 16, 2005

W.S. Cross from Beyond You & Me tagged me for a meme, so here goes! (Sorry it took me so long to notice!)

7 things to do before I die:1. Travel to Italy2. Be a hero in some dramatic rescue scenario3. Cuddle my great-great grandchildren (When I have them!)4. Own a house5. Work in production on a major motion picture6. George Clooney7. Count all the stars in the sky

7 things I can do:1. Make people laugh2. In the business world? Anything I set my mind to.3. Make my child feel special and loved.4. Make my husband feel loved and desired.5. Read tarot cards with frightening accuracy6. Shock people7. Read a novel in under 24 hours if I'm interested

7 things I can't do:1. Play sports. I am the most uncoordinated person you will ever know.2. Be conservative.3. Sit still for long periods of time. I will go crazy.4. Be ignored. I would rather be dead.5. Keep my mouth shut. Please do not tell me any secrets...6. Take orders. Never tell me what to do. Advice is welcome, suggestions are welcome but if you give me an order, I won't budge.7. Live a quiet and peaceful life. Drama and excitement follows me, and when necessary I create it for myself. I'm only happy when it rains.

7 things that attract me to a man/woman:1. A sense of humor. If you can make me laugh, I'm all yours.2. Confidence - I want you to know that you take my breath away.3. Sex Appeal - walk, talk, move like you know you can rock my world in the bedroom. (Then prove it!)4. Smile - use it often and easily5. Friends, Family and Pets - a man with these is a man who knows how to love and be loved.6. A Dark Side: I have one, do you? If you don't, you could never handle me. If you do, I want to see it.7. Tolerance with a smile: I'm insane and I know it. I will challenge everything you have ever believed. I will try your pat

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

There was hot sex in the house last night...oral sex, missionary sex, girl-on-top sex, toy-play...

...and a very satisfied Odd Wife and Even Husband managed to drift off in a naked, contented sleep.

Mid-day today when stress was building, I turned to EH and said "You're going to have to really give it to me again tonight."

But how was your day?

PlayBoy quit today. I blew a gasket in response to the 40th childishly bitchy company internal message and responded with a bitchy one of my own. I expected a reprimand and instead was congratulated by everyone from my boss to the company attorney. Un-freaking-believable.

I found a pair of PlayBoy's boxers in his desk drawer. There actually IS a logical explanation for them being there, but it's lengthy and dull and you'll just have to trust me. He had left them behind by mistake, so I took them and tacked them up to my wall.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

And the rest of life...

Are you tired of the work drama yet?

It's hard, with such a primary focus on our careers to find a balance. In some ways, we're very lucky to be doing this together because it allows us to focus together. On the other hand, there are losses. We see so much of one another that there is no "alone" time for either of us. I want to work to reestablish a balance.

First on my priority list is SG. We've always been so fortunate that she's such a wonderful child, but I worry about her being swept along in our chaos. This weekend, we have a plan.

We've told her only that we have "plans" this weekend. We're not telling her anything more.

On Friday, we'll board our labrador retriever for the weekend. Early Saturday morning we will wake up, put SG in the car and be on the road. By the time she's fully awake, we should be arriving at Universal Studios in Orlando. EH won a pair of free tickets a few months back so it will be a discounted escape, but I think SG will really be thrilled. We'll spend the day playing and riding the rides and spend the night in a hotel before heading home early Sunday morning. I hope she'll see how special and important she is to us both by getting a nice "treat" with her parents.

Come Monday will be yet another change to our routine. The new job is a few more miles and will require us to adjust again. How wonderful that the powers we will be working with are comprised of people who know us and love us and understand our priorities.

I'm going to make a new rule. From here on, Sundays will be strictly family days. We will ask SG how she would like to spend the day and try to negotiate a few hours of genuine, quality family time. I need her to remain a central part in our lives.

Because this blog is so marriage focused, you don't hear much about our daughter. You couldn't even begin to guess how extraordinary she is. She's 9, gifted with a genius IQ and a heart of gold. She's the type of child who favors us with hugs and kisses, but can tease us as well as we tease her. She recently emptied her piggy bank into the Hurricane Katrina relief fund at school. She asks for nothing. She offers everything she has. She's happy to help her friends, us, neighbors... She is never in trouble, she never disrespects us and she rarely complains.

SG is an incredibly mature 9 years old. EH and I tend to think of her as our "3rd" in the house. She is often treated with the respect you might give to another adult and we welcome her input on every major decision. It holds a solid 1/3 weight in this house. She's earned it.

I'm excited about surprising her this weekend. Being her mom (and dad) has been the most rewarding blessing of our lives and EH and I are equally nuts over our little girl.

The word that came in last night was the final one in that we have definitively made the deal to move to a better office of our own making. Just like that the anger dissipated, the stress evaporated, and all the current crap we have had to deal with looked like a pile of Nerf toys.

Today while at lunch with our core group CB, who was home embellishing illness, called the main players to "inform" us that PlayBoy was jumping ship. Hilariously she then said he was turning his back on the company, and that he had offered her a position, however she was staying so as not to abandon her group of "important people." I suppose that we are supposed to overlook how she was right in the thick of the planning of things just a week ago but has pulled out because her role was not significant enough.

Without boring you with the esoterics of our situation I will hopefully educate you on surviving office politics by what I have learned. TOW has said repeatedly how CB underestimated her, and the core to estimation is determining value. CB is playing the game from a power angle--namely keeping her power--and hopes to maintain her power by surrounding herself with loyal sychophants. Here is her error: this is all a business decision. We did not align ourselves with PlayBoy because he was the "coolest" one in the office. It was because he could deliver the business. If CB had a deal that was solid and kept us employed we may be wishing PlayBoy luck in his new venture. But from day one we knew he was crux to any success story, and CB's slathering promises are valueless in the end.

Another example: When The Odd One joined this company she came over with a longtime friend("S-ette")from her previous office. S-ette is a 26 year old school girl who often tries to play her coquette charms in her favor, though she doesn't quite have the chops to use them with any success. For some time she was openly flirting with PlayBoy and when he began to respond she got spooked, and rather than telling him to back off she ran to tell on him to his manager.

Not long after I came over I noticed she had ceased talking to us completely. Then she was noticably absent from functions with CB and her family, where the rest of the office strove to join in to be noticed. We soon learned why. S-ette had become the darling of the couple who runs the company, hoping to gain in stature as a result However everyone soon knew she was gossiping around to get dirt and whispering anything that went on in the office to the owners. (Ironically most anyone who has ingratiated themselves with the owners has found a quick exit at this place.) TOW and myself were silent on everything around her.

A few weeks ago the clandestine meetings with our group had begun and S-ette had heard about us getting together with PlayBoy and others. She played hurt that she wasn't included but her pouty lip did not garner her an invite or information about the meeting. Suddenly S-ette was our friend anew, calling constantly and wanting to do things after work. She's still waiting. She's also not coming over to the new company, even though it is being run by her two tightest friends from their old office.

S-ette and CB made similar mistakes in largely different ways. Looking out for themselves, looking for angles and quick paths, and saying whatever was needed to get ahead. What is telling is tha the core of people moving on together have one similar trait: they all actually do good work and gain merit by performance. They also all despise the management and ownership and cannot wait to escape. I almost want to say we are lucky, but in truth it is a result of making sound decisions based on quality people.

Monday, September 12, 2005

It is done...

Okay, so I got a few things off my chest earlier and felt better. I made spaghetti for dinner, more out of laziness than want, and didn't eat a bite of it.

The night took a turn when I surfed my channel guide and found THE PIRATE MOVIE on FX. I screeched and began dancing and singing my way around the living room prompting EH and SG to flee. I LOVE this horrible, cheesy musical. I sing every song, I recite the dialogue...in short, I am insufferable.

As it ended, my cell phone began it's musical ringing. PlayBoy. His meeting with the new venture must be ending.

Me: "Hey"

PB: "Hey!"

Me: "Did you just get out?"

PB: "Yep"

Me: "...and?"

PB: "We start Monday."

(screaming, laughing, cheering ensues)

We did it. We completely did it. 15 minutes into our conversation and my call waiting beeps to tell me G-man is ringing in. He too is beyond thrilled. The phone calls of "Thank you!" "Awesome job!" "Congratulations!" begin.

BestFriend M's cell is off (lazy girl) and I expect she'll be ringing in shortly to cheer too.

I'm on cloud 9. I can now tolerate the remaining days of bullshit while internally laughing at it all. Countdown, baby!

I'm too high to plan my exit strategy. Do I walk out? Resign nicely? Compose a nasty limerick to recite? Break into an impromptu musical number and sashay my way out the door?

Any talent want to come up with a parting song for me? Because the minute my paycheck hits on Friday morning, all bets are off and I'm walking off into the sunset!

The day followed my predictions again. I anticipated a day of hostility and 'get to work' talk and was not disappointed. The day began with what was referred to as a "meeting" but was, in fact, a 1 hour long "fuck you" bitch session led by CB.

Basically, generalities were thrown about to infer that people were bitching, backbiting, gossiping, lying and leaving. She favored the room with dirty looks, nasty remarks and smart ass bravado. I never wanted to say "Fuck you, I quit" more in my life.

One girl had the misfortune to be out of the office today. She was bad mouthed, replaced and basically screwed. She'll show up tomorrow to discover her office, job and status of "flavor of the week" has all been usurped. Sadly, she's on a cruise and her 7 year old son is STAYING WITH CB.

One file was touted as an example of processing failure. The 'oversight' was a detail that an UNDERWRITER and not a PROCESSOR would be responsible to catch. She raved about how stupid it was to be missed in processing. That's a great way to foster morale. Find something and rather than discuss it with the employee (Hey, I underwrote this file and found this - just so you know, we can't do the file because of this) you should ABSOLUTELY announce it in a meeting and infer that the processor was stupid to miss it. EH was the processor. I thought he was going to flip her off.

I could go on, but what's the point??? CB skipped out of the office at 2:30 and didn't bother to respond to the messages or emails from brokers, leaving them frustrated and annoyed. Yeah. Us too.

Plan C is moving faster - mostly because we're prepared to do anything to get the hell out of this dump! PlayBoy, BestFriend M and NewCo-Owner are meeting tonight to hammer things out further. We had minor setbacks today in that investors we wanted to be set up with will take longer than we'd hoped - but at this rate, we don't care. We're prepared to jump ship regardless and deal with it.

I HATE my job. I hate the lies, the bullshit, the games, the manipulation. This isn't a workplace, it's junior high.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!

(sigh)

I feel better. I can't *wait* to get out and I know my future - now solid - is looking damned good.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Every Act of Creation is an Act of Destruction

That is a quote attributed to Picasso, but it seems to describe what we are in the midst of right now professionally. We have alluded to things recently, and this week we should see some real progress.

Our current company is a rudderless ship that is either on the rocks, or circling the reef waiting for the inevitable hull breech. When we signed on with this company a few months back there was no real way of knowing that, despite a reasonably impressive staff, the management was of questionable skills. Basically the company has ground to a professional halt and our sales staff often sits at their desks playing video poker--if they indeed return from lunch--because they have been prevented from doing business.

We have been fortunate in that TOW--and to a lesser degree, myself--has made allies with some of the strongest figures in the office; the previously mentioned PlayBoy and G-man. Some weeks back we became aware of an exit strategy from the company by a fair number of players, PlayBoy and our manager, CB, cheif among them. It was quietly referred to as "Plan-B" (which has changed so often it technically may now be "Plan-Q"), and it involved PlayBoy spearheading a group of investors who were inclined to open a new shop using the biggest moneymakers from our current company. With the impending doom around our office we were grateful to have an escape that included us and looked more substantial. But gradually cracks began to show in the plan.

While all this was playing out we also were witness to an overall change in mood with CB in regards to the two of us. Where once she was promising us the world and hoping we could be neighbors in a tony suburb, she cooled and began to reveal a shadow to her sunny entreaties. Primary in this was her professional stance with The Odd One. In July she had declared TOW would be promoted with quick salary hikes and would personally train her to become an underwriter by the 1st of September. Just 3 weeks ago she quietly said TOW would get a large office occupied by a departing executive, so she could better do her new job. But as we have learned over time, CB's declarations and her deliveries are rarely met. To wit, no promotions, her underwriter status delayed, and a reluctance to even have meetings by request. As an example, not only has the largely unoccupied office been slated for another use, but when another worker was moved to a private quarter an office assistant got her own office by default when she loudly complained that she deserved it.

And Plan-B revealed more of CB's subterfuge. While the idea all along had been for 6-10 members of our staff to move to the new job on Oct. 1st, suddenly CB began to hint that we would actually move gradually, with TOW and myself not going over until January, while this company could sink any time now. But the crux of Plan-B always hinged on PlayBoy's needs. Welllll.....

This past Monday revealed that the investors cooled to the idea, partly due to a meeting in which PlayBoy declared that CB acted like an unprofessional ass. Their months of preparation had fallen through, and TOW had mentioned before that if a problem happened she may have some contacts. Well PlayBoy asked, and she and her best friend went to the task, and within 24 hours had a better and bigger plan in place, at a fraction of the original cost, with an office that is runing NOW. PlayBoy is plain giddy having gotten more than he expected and wants to quit tomorrow. All the while my wife was anxious, talking about how she is an amateur playing in the major leagues while trying to perform the workings of a new business entity. This surprised me. I guessed all along that she had the tools, the contacts, and the knowledge to hang with these players. I'm the neophyte here, just keeping my head beneath the cannon fire, but she has the goods. This week has proven it, and I for one am impressed.

And what of CB in these plans? This should reveal all:Once TOW and her friend M worked this deal there was no real need to bring CB in. However M--who originally brought CB to our area--said she could come along, and Playboy and G-man would pitch in to guarantee she would have a fat salary. CB abjectly refused the offer. Friday night we all had drinks to discuss the plan and they all were surprised this woman would deny herself and her family like that. I said to G-man that I figured she set up any and every deal with her positioned as the powerhead. He looked at me wide-eyed and said that was exactly what has been happening. This has led to a rather amusing week from my wife.

When CB was apprised of the situation on Tuesday (that the current deal died, but a new one came up via TOW) The Odd One made a series of remarkably intuitive predictions. First she figured CB would not see the opportunity offered and would interpret it as an underhanded move, despite TOW wanting to sit privately with her for over a week. She said Wed. CB would be cool to her, and yes, both she and her new husband were standoffish, if not silent. She also predicted CB would meet with the other players to undermine TOW and woo them to her side. And to a person, correct again. Thursday my wife speculated her boss would start to professionally tear her down, and we weren't in our seats 15 minutes before she came over to talk openly about the numerous problems she's been finding with her work. Comparisons of the actual work meanwhile showed they were basically working at the same level of quality, (while TOW has yet to be trained, mind you.) Friday she guessed that CB would make a last ditch effort at promising how good things will be in our current office, hoping to lock everyone in place. Yes again.

Word went out that our current problems will be alleviated and promises of big changes will quickly be in place and the company will be running much better in the coming months. While some people thought it was a good sign I asked G-man, PlayBoy and others: "Without asking if it is true or not, aren't these the kinds of things she was supposed to have been doing for the past 3 months or so? Why should we believe her now?"

As things stand right now this company is about to see its 3 biggest producers, acounting for conservatively 75% of its business, walk by the end of the month, not to mention a highly skilled underwriter and a struggling but handsome processor. If this place couldn't run with these people in place I can only speculate what is about to happen when they leave. The truth is however few believe the place will be around for long.

First, it wouldn't feel right to begin a post and not include a nod to the day. September 11 is a day that will be forever emblazoned on the mind of Americans.

I remember "where I was" and "what I was doing" with crystal clarity. I was working for ANC Rental Corporation, the parent company for Alamo and National Car Rental Center. I had just been promoted after a year to an executive level PR position. I remember hearing someone say "Oh my God, a plane just crashed into the World Trade Center" and moments later "Another one! Another plane crashed into the other building!" And my blood ran cold.

The terrorists rented an Alamo rental car to get to the airport, so my life exploded into crisis mode.

I remember leaving work early - I felt I had to get to my daughter and bring her home to be with me. I remember leaving my office in the middle of a very busy office district and the streets were silent and empty. Nearby, a church bell tolled non-stop. It was eerie and chilling.

We survived CB's party yesterday. She alternately ignored me, occasionally fixing an eye upon me and then impromptu bursts of friendly chat and laughter. It was like an exercise in schizophrenia.

I called my mother yesterday. What an idiot I am. Have I learned yet? I wanted to tell her the things that were going on and hear her say how proud she was of me. Instead, she cut me off repeatedly with bored sighs and "that's nice" and answered my every statement with a comment about how she hated her job, had no money, no life, no happiness, no energy, no joy...and so on. At a guess, I'd say mom's off the bi-polar disorder meds again. No, she wasn't proud. She resented me for telling her anything positive about my life while she was so negative. Had I called to tell her EH had left me, stolen my car and kidnapped SG and that I was about to slice my wrists and end it all, she probably would have been overjoyed. I remember when I was younger and she was the most supportive person in the world to me and never failed to tell me how proud she was. What an ass I was hoping to hear it again.

I won't be calling her again. She lives 10 minutes away and I've seen her twice this year. She never calls and woulnd't be able to pick her only granddaughter out of a line-up. And we used to be closer than best friends, closer than sisters. In the last 2-3 years she has turned into this negative, nasty, selfish person and has cut off communication with everyone but her new boyfriend. I've made a million attempts and been rebuffed at every turn.

This coming week should be an active one. I'll be simultaneously working and building the new venture on the side. I have mixed feelings in a sense - everything moving forward is intensely positive, but I am also beginning to examine how deeply conned I was. CB is a con-artist in the purest sense and has made a mockery of the business we do. I can't help but reflect back on my dream before I accepted this job...prophetic, indeed. And then there was the tarot spread I did...the card in the present position is suddenly of the greatest interest in hindsight. Doesn't it sound like CB?

All in all, it's been a lovely Sunday. The Miami Dolphins kicked ass. I made a ton of snacks. I rested, relaxed and lazed about...it was pure heaven. For some reason, I LOVE football on tv and beer in the house with tons of snacks (which is weird, since I don't actually watch the game or drink beer). To me, it's all the sounds and sights of autumn, my favorite season and my soul just warms at the hint of it.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Vroom...Vroom...

Engines are revving up.

CB was certainly a mite nicer to me yesterday. Either she has a plan or she thinks I don't. Either way, it was an easier day.

Things have certainly changed in the office. A bit like a John Huges movie, almost. My cell phone rings day and night with PlayBoy's calls. In the evening we spoke for an hour about the business venture and in the morning he called me as I finished dressing for work to discuss it again. Neither of us can come up with flaws. He chatted on about kids and so on...

An hour prior to lunch, G-Man was in our office asking EH and I if we were having lunch together at the same place we went to the previous day. PlayBoy stuck his head in as we agreed and added himself to the guest list.

At day's end, we 5 business refugees raced to the other office to meet as a group and tour the facility. The office is not the greatest, but has potential I guess. The meeting went very well and so far all are on board.

Today should be a bit insane. We're expected to attend a party at CB's house. All of us. We all feel like we damned well better be there to maintain "normal" appearances for the time being - but it's going to be nerve wracking.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Who'da Thunk?

In the past 24 hours I have brought three key point people together for a professional meeting of the minds and got every single thing that I ever wanted plus a few dozen perks I didn't dream could happen.

Is that counting chickens before they hatch? Does it help that I have perfect eggs in a perfect environment?

It's not without it's ugliness. My plan unfortunately didn't work in CB's favor. I tried to structure her into it and she refused to bow to the authority figure that will have to be in place and chose to get ugly instead. She only knows a fraction of the opportunity and has already begun treating me like enemy #1. I predicted her reaction to such an extent that EH was shocked and stunned by her behavior. She followed my prediction as if it had been scripted for her. I'm disappointed that she couldn't let go of her ego enough to work this out considering I kept her as a vital part of the plan, but the total domination she wanted was out of the question. She'll insist that I backstabbed her, but the truth is - I did it initially for her...

I anticipate much trouble ahead with her. Much trouble. For all of her religious preaching, she can be a nasty, nasty person.

On the other hand - holy shit. I just accomplished something that the professionals were struggling to put in place for months in mere hours and made a true name for myself among this group. No one will be underestimating me again.

PlayBoy, a major key to this all could only repeat "Holy shit" over and over when I filled him in on what I had locked down. Top execs and major players couldn't get done what me and my best friend did in ONE day. Best Friend. Oh, yes...the sweetest part - regular readers know M and I have worked together before and she was my accomplice. She'll be running the show. And no one could do it better. She and I have dreamt of this opportunity for many years and even we're giggling to ourselves in awe of what's transpired. All joy aside, professionally she is another essential key and in 24 hours she's proven it.

It's going to be fast. Very fast. And I can't wait to be able to talk freely about it all very soon.

In the meantime - thanks for those good wishes and crossed fingers. I think *you* had a little something to do with this, you know?

I keep asking "Who would have thought...?" And you know who answered me? EH. He said "I did." And he truly did. He's always had a world of confidence in me and I can't deny that I am tickled pink to have impressed him again. Success or failure aside, that means the most to me in the end.

Well, I'd hoped for more than 4 guesses so my ego is wounded! What, something like 120 of you pass through here daily and can't venture a guess?

Anyway, rather than holding out - I'll give.

You were all wrong. :)

1. I've participated in professional research of the paranormal. (TRUE! I was briefly a member of the South Florida Ghost Hunters Research Team when curiousity got the better of me and I wanted to see what they saw. Did you ever play "Bloody Mary" as a kid? You all scare yourselves witless and everyone swears they saw something? It's like playing that game as grown-ups.)

2. I've been unfaithful. (TRUE! Never been unfaithful on EH, but I was unfaithful to boyfriends in the past)

3. I've exploded in a violent rage and struck EH. (TRUE! Not a shining moment. The day I found EH's email secret sex life I exploded. I had learned I was pregnant a few days earlier and I was beyond devastated. I slapped at him in a hysterical fit over and over and EH stood there refusing to so much as put up a hand to block my pitiful flailing. He later said he felt like he deserved it. I felt like he did too, but I'm opposed to hitting anyone (well, almost...) and I apologized profusely months later.)

4. I've lied on my resume. (FALSE! Aha! Never thought this one, did you? I've never actually had to lie. My experiences are well rounded and I have extreme confidence in my professional abilities)

5. I've been arrested. (TRUE! I was 14. I was with two boys who were shoplifting. I was the idiot holding the bag for them. I was dared to take something and grabbed a box of hair color and promptly was grabbed by security. I spent 4 hours in a holding cell waiting for my parents. So much for my criminal career!)

6. I've had sex with a stranger. (TRUE! I was young and foolish. He was a pilot.)

7. I've had sex with a woman. (TRUE! I was young. It was basically a teen slumber party gone awry)

8. I've been in a movie. (TRUE! It should be released someday soon. I play a waitress with no lines who walks around a diner while Dyan Canon and Michael Nouri flirt it up. I won't get a screen credit without lines, but I was there! When it's released someday, you can watch for the redheaded waitress who has to walk between the flirting pair as they speak. Talk about nerve racking...I would NEVER do it again.)

9. I've danced on stage (TRUE! Hell, yes! To ABBA's Dancing Queen, actually. I was a big hit in the dance club that night.)

10. I've seduced a married man. (TRUE! Not a proud moment in my life. I was young and stupid. I was an ass. I not only ended it, but eventually revealed it to his wife when a situation arose in her own life that I felt she HAD to know about this for her own good.)

Monday, September 05, 2005

Pieces of Me

Not all, but just bits have been recovered.

I vowed to avoid my co-workers this weekend, and almost did. There was a big cookout at CB's house Saturday that I 'ducked' and they suckered me by having PlayBoy and PlayBoy's young son "Trouble" call me to come out. I have a hard time saying no to PlayBoy, much less to Trouble, who I have a serious soft spot for.

So...we went. I got thrown, fully clothed, in the pool. Lucky for them I am a good sport or there could have been bloodshed.

The rest of the weekend was spent soul searching and winding down. Asking myself questions and deciding on some boundaries I need to set. Hopefully preparing for the week ahead.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

It is Time to Speak

When EH and I first fell in love, we dreamt of running away together to New Orleans. The charm and history and spirit of the place appealed to us both. EH had been there once on a school trip and I had never been.

I finally made the trip to The Big Easy 2 years ago this month. I went alone to do a mortgage tradeshow and stayed in the heart of the French Quarter. I worked my booth for the requisite 4 hours per day and then fled to explore the city.

I bypassed the cheesy tourist shops full of alligator claws, mardi gras beads and shot glasses and sought out the true charms of the city. I wandered through the cemetary's in search of both 'alleged' gravesites of Marie LaVeau, Voodoo Priestess. I sipped chicory coffee beside the Mississippi River, listening to a sexaphonist playing for change on the corner across from Jackson Square. I indulged in a carriage ride with a flirtatious driver. I sifted through the Voodoo shops. I marveled at the ancient brick walkways and alleys and gazed in pure wonder at the ancient homes and buildings. If I entered a building - be it shop, restaurant or hotel - I explored evey stair rail, bathroom and window sill in the place with a sort of reverence.

It wasn't perfect. It was dirty. It was a tad dangerous (especially for me, the foolish female who opted to wander the city alone day and night). The sidewalks were so deteriorated that I was constantly stumbling in my heels (I wear heels 24--7).

It was beautiful to me. Beautiful in it's history, it's spirit, it's darkness. Beautiful in the magic and mystery that whispered from every corner.

I no longer wanted to live there, but I felt honored to have experienced it. I looked forward to returning.

I'm sick over the devastation there. Even more sick at the aftermath.

It's difficult to blame the citizens entirely. They are cut off from all modern conveniences and communications. They are wet, hungry, afraid and they have descended into a survival mode that is rare in America, Land of Opportunity.

The media is beginning to reveal the flaws in the federal government's response and while I normally try to remain politically neutral, I am sensing great trouble ahead. Great trouble.

The downfall of this government won't be the War on Terrorism after all, but rather the reaction to Hurricane Katrina and the recapturing of New Orleans. I think many Americans are feeling much the same sense of disgust for the way this has been handled.

Most shocking to me is this article which outlines how this exact scenario was predicted for many years but the budgets to protect the levees and flooding/drainage protection were seriously cut by the US Government to allow more funds to be diverted to fighting the 'War on Terror'.

I've always been a patriotic girl. Believing the best in my country and it's leaders. But I am finding myself disappointed and disillusioned by this catastrophe.

I understand that natural disasters cannot be predicted. But I think our government has just failed an important test of its strength and I am questioning for the first time where our leader's priorities lie.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

I'm Looking for Someone...

I'm looking for someone, have you see her?

She was a playful woman, full of laughter and silliness. A woman who smiled a lot. A woman who loved a lot. She loved to watch tv curled up with her husband. She was addicted to a handful of shows. She loved to go to the beach, to read, to do arts & crafts, to go to the movies, to make love. She danced around her living room all the time. She cherished moments of peace. She thrived on simple pleasures like a Sunday spent at home "puttering" around the house and spaghetti dinners.

I miss her. You wouldn't believe the pathetic zombie she left behind.

If you see this woman, the one I'm looking for...would you ask her to come back?

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Out, Out Damned Thought

In 30 days, I wonder where I will be? Holding all the cards or left empty handed. Am I trumping in the right places? Bluffing well enough? Is my poker face on?

Work has become a political hotbed of intrigue. There are agendas across the board and I'm either going to make it big or lose it all. Have I formed the right alliances? Pick the winning team? Will my allies fight for me when the time comes? They might have to.

And that's just scratching the surface on what's going on. I wonder how many people see the situation for what it is. There are things going on that would boggle the mind.

I've lost myself in work again. It's my every waking thought. I'm anxious when I am away from work. This much needed 3 day weekend is 3 days too long for all the motions.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world that EH is even tolerating my behavior. I know he can see that even in the quiet of night, my thoughts are whirling and spinning and I'm just not all here. In truth, EH would be flabbergasted to realize how calculated my every move is from the time I wake to the time I drop into sleep. Even my lunch hours are now categorized into who I lunch with and who knows about it.

Part of me hates losing so much of myself in this 3-ring circus of a career and part of me is bound and determined that we're never going to go back to counting out pennies for gas money again.

Is it ambition driving me, or have I lost to something else? And would you even ever gleam what that something else could be?

We have power and we are again running in the fast lane. The Wife seems a bit overloaded this week, dealing with work and fretting over our professional futures in a tumultuous office. From my end I don't have much anxiety, mostly because I'm not in the direct loop of talk. She goes to the meets and the lunches while I hear about things later, which means a piece of info can drift her way and set her mind a reeling and cause her to go to the money men for clarifications, all while I have no concrete grasp of the meanings.

One bolstering bit of news was that one of our Account Executives--and a friend--said to me that he favors me working on his accounts, both now and in the future. Gradually I have been able to work more and more without having to lean so heavily on TOW. Today was a good one in that I was routinely catching items that the executives found challenging to remedy, (as opposed to,"It's because of this, rookie!). There was even a moment when one mousy executive came to me saying his broker was getting mad that we haven't moved sufficiently on a file that was less than one week old. He was relieved when I eagerly took to the phones to calmly explained reality and put the broker in line, who promptly shifted blame to a realtor. I suggested she remind the realtor there was a significant weather occurance last week that closed offices and bottle-necked businesses affiliated with real estate in our area. Job done there.

Enough gabbing about work. I thought of ranting about our post-hurricane endurances, but when juxtaposed against the dire conditions over in Crescent City it seems like spoiled brat talk. I will give you some curious observations though...

* It was interesting to discover just how much power is needed to make a pot of coffee. Remembering the labor involved to make java on an outdoor grill last year the generator was more than welcome. But after a few times of the lights dimming and the generator growling loud I was at a loss as to why. I soon realized it was the heating element of the coffee maker clicking on. Still, I wasn't about to unplug the pot. We aren't savages, after all. * With looting predominating much of the news coverage in New Orleans here's one from our region: A man woke up with no power at all in his house despite the fact that he could still hear his generator running outside his home. He went to inspect and discovered that over night someone had stolen his generator and masked their crime by leaving a running lawn mower behind. * Never a big fan of the hype cyclone that is the MTV Video Awards--which was taking place on Miami Beach--I came to truly hate that show last week. Amidst all the hurricane news coverage we were repeatedly assured that, while many of the pre-show parties were cancelled, the actual ceremony was still going to go on. With all the problems facing our area that was something we could count on. It was enough to almost make me go out and switch off the generator. * Lastly some trivia. The University of Miami Hurricanes have as their mascot a churlish looking bird named Sebastian The Ibis. Occasionally I'll hear people ask what is the connection with this rancurous feathered creature and the team. Well, it is said that when a hurricane hits these shores the durable native ibis is the last bird to flee the area, and the first to return back when the storm clears out. This came to mind last Thursday when at the office, before leaving early to take cover, I looked out our window to see a few of these birds grazing calmly in a strong rain. With a storm bearing down it made me feel good.