I don't know about any of you
people out there, but I've had enough reality to last
me a goddamn lifetime! Next week I celebrate (ummmm, wrong term...
I mean "passingly observe") my 25th anniversary of
basic reality. This sucks (In hindsight, I should have
paid extra for the premium features).
Granted, my car insurance gets cut in half, but the price I have
to pay is too high. The price is age. But you know what? I go
through with it. That's life and I accept it. In fact it's MY
life and I'm pretty damn proud of everything I've done so far
(except for the whole week I accidentally spent trapped in Elton
John's closet.... and I'd rather not think about or explain that
at this time).
What's my point, you may ask? "Reality Shows" can suck
the Megaplayboy's underused cock! The only "reality"
that they show is that a bunch of whiny-assed bastards
stranded on an island or stuck in a house will piss everybody
else that they're stuck with off within a matter of minutes.
After living with well over 9 roommates in my life I could have
told you this a looooong time ago for a lot less money than the
networks spent (and after a few beers I guarantee you that my
stories would be a crapload more entertaining).

Where Reality and Cellulite Begin
and End
Now I know that growing old with buttloads of annoying grandkids
running around pestering you for puppies, ponies and peppermints
is the American dream... But that dream is unfortunately going
to die in exchange for "trying to win money by acting like
a social jackass on the television"! You see, 98% of the
United States' population is made up of fatties who no longer
have the capability to breed. These fatties sit in their fat
lazy boy chairs for 8-12 hours a day and get even fatter while
watching crap on the TV and gorging themselves with literally
tons of fatty-making products. Now, a healthy daily dose of The
Simpsons and The A-Team is perfectly normal
and is in fact recommended by 7 out of 10 Fat-Ass Specialists.
It's just when people get tired of their unfair and obese existences
that they try too hard to escape into the land of technicolor
and canned laughter (and for all you fat fucks out there I said
"canned laughter", not "canned ham"), and
that's when things go wrong. Those things that I'm referring
to are Survivor and The Real World
(and all their clones).
Comparatively, I think Regis' Who Wants to Bitch-Slap a
Millionaire is a televised work of Willy Shakespeare
himself... I said "comparatively". If I want to see
a bunch of old people mixed up with a lot of young-uns who constantly
fight, argue, insult, backstab and belittle each other until
one by one they leave and/or get naked and walk around the living
area I'll just go to another Ross Family reunion!

Big gay old people with lots of hair in frightening places should
NEVER get nekkid on national television. In fact there should
be a rule against then getting naked in general. I personally
believe that we should vote for a law to get old, fat, hairy
ugly people to wear those skin suits that the mutants on Genosha
get to wear. They're comfy, they streamline the body and hide
unsightly skin rolls, they come in a variety of sporty colors
and they are self sufficient (no waste, so Depends are a thing
of the past too). What the hell are our scientists waiting for?

Is It Really Real, and Why Do Lazy-Fucks
Like It?People keep tagging the term "reality show"
onto productions like Big Brother and Survivor,
but this title is pretty far from the truth. How many times in
"reality" have you had to eat a rat or a cockroach
in order to keep yourself from getting kicked off of an island?
How many times have you been locked in a house with a dozen asshole
strangers and have been forced to let millions of fat lifeless
freaks watch you whack off and take shits day in and day out
for several months (and I'm not talking about that prank the
Wolfman pulled on me using an internet camera and his old webpage)?
How many fucking times have you been on a three hour tour with
6 years worth of luggage only to be marooned on a South Pacific
island with the Harlem Globe Trotters?!... Well, the last one
wasn't a reality show synopsis (for all you not-so-quick ones
reading this), it was indeed a reference to Gilligan's
Island.
This is my point (I think). The plots of these "reality
shows" are just retreads themselves. Survivor is a simple
clone of Gilligan's Island! Remember that episode
where the Professor made those coconut telephones? Copied in
Survivor by the loony kid who lost it and thought
he was talking to the President. Did you see the one where Mary
Ann, Ginger and Mrs. Howell all tried to hit on Gilligan with
poor success cause he's gay? Well, Survivor had a gay naked man
and a lot of squabbling between jealous chicks and dumb guys.
And what about the time where the gorilla and the ninja assassin
showed up on the castaways' tropical paradise and nuttiness ensued?
Once again stolen for ratings -_-. It can easily be argued that
The Real World and Big Brother are
just clones of Three's Company, but Mr. Roper scares
the fuck outta me so we'll stay clear of that debate.

Now if we had an unscripted (hell, even a scripted) battle
royal between the rugged cast of Gilligan's Isle I
would watch every goddamn week! Just imagine, Ginger nails the
Skipper in the nads and he goes down, but he lands on and crushes
Mr. Howell in the process! Then the Professor reveals his real
name to everybody causing them to laugh uncontrollably at "Humperdinkle"
until he can activate his "Coconut Obliteration Device of
Evil". The CODoE evaporates Mary Ann and Mrs. Howell uses
Gilligan's wimpy body like a whip to turn the coconut laser back
on Professor Humperdinkle reducing him to a charred pile of cyborg
parts (that will be the big surprise ending, the genius Professor
was really just a robot!!). Mortal Gilligan's Kombat!
I'd pay to see that in a movie theater!