Birth. School. PLAYOFF (and mental) BREAKDOWNS. Death (UPDATED)

Sean Patrick Starfish's over at JRC Amalgamated designed a pretty graphic using a map of Connecticut to update the state playoff races (http://bit.ly/1iaOUUn). Polecat Worldwide doesn't have his financial resources to create a fancy-pants graphic of our own. This is the best we could afford. DEAL WITH IT.

Gaze upon our second-to-last attempt to explain the four CIAC playoff races as simply as possible.

(Lawd, we'll be glad when this is over with.)

GROUND RULES:

1. These predictions are not to be taken as gospel. They were done in four seconds.

2. Just because we didn't pick your team to qualify doesn't mean we hate you. Hell, we don't even KNOW you. Should you choose to believe that this is the worst insult you've ever suffered, use it as motivation, and go on to win a state title, then we expect a free meal at your year-end banquet for providing the extra incentive you needed.

3. We plan on being wrong on about half of these and, in fact, look forward to it. To err is human. To laugh at one's self is divine.

We cannot stress enough that YOU MUST follow Matt Fischer's wondrously magical ROBOABACUS. It details every team's potential playoff points, and updates in real time. You're a fool if you haven't checked it out.

We also IMPLORE you to follow all the craziness the next three daze at Twitter at #cthsfb and @MetalNED.

Before we proceed, a quick explanation about "bonuses":

■ A team receives 10 points for every win and five points for each tie earned by any opponent it beat.

■ A team receives five points for each victory and 2.5 points for each tie earned by an opponent it tied.

Remember, kids — the top eight teams in each division qualify.

CLASS LL

IN

Newtown (12-0)

YOUR top seed.

Norwich Free Academy (8-1)

It will be seeded no worse than third if it beats New London (8-2) on Thanksgrabbing. It would need three of its four bonuses to clinch the two-seed, which looks possible. It would fall no lower than sixth if it lost.

West Haven (9-1)

Its situation mimics NFA's. It would be seeded no lower than third if it wins at Fairfield Prep (8-2) on Thanksgrabbing. A win ensures it at least a three seed. A loss drops it no lower than sixth.

Glastonbury (10-1)

Its regular season is over, and it's waiting to see whom it'll host in next Tuesday's quarterfinals.

Hall (9-1)

It finished its regular season last weekend. It could be seeded as high as third if both NFA and West Haven lost. It could be seeded as low as sixth if both win.

WIN-AND-IN

Southington (8-1)

It plays at Cheshire (4-6) on Thanksgrabbing. A win would seed it anywhere between third and sixth. It would need two of the four to lose if it lost — Ridgefield, Fairfield Prep, Staples, or Trumbull.

MAD SCRAMBLE

Ridgefield (8-2)

It plays host to Danbury (3-7) tonight. A win would give it a 114.54-point average.

Fairfield Prep

It would have a 119.09 average if it beats West Haven.

Staples (8-2)

It plays host to Greenwich (7-3) on Thanksgrabbing. A win gives it a 117.27 average.

Trumbull (8-2)

It plays at St. Joseph (9-2) on Thanksgrabbing. A win gives it a 115.45 average.

BONUSES would decide who qualifies if all four teams win.

Prep has the biggest maximum average — 123.64. Three of its five bonuses don't look good, though.

Staples' max is 122.73. Three of its six bonuses look good. One of its bonuses is Danbury, which plays Ridgefield.

Trumbull's max average is 120.91. Four of its six bonuses aren't good. One of them is Greenwich, too.

It's regular season ended on (Nov. 16), and it needs three of the four teams to lose. — Ridgefield, Prep, Staples or Trumbull. Five bonuses would give it a 113-point average. Three of its said bonuses look promising. It cannot pass Southington.

Already earned a home quarterfinal. A win would seed it no worse than third.

Brookfield (9-2)

It earns a home quarterfinal with a win at Bethel (8-2) on Thanksgrabbing and would be no worse than third. A loss could drop it as low as eighth.

Barlow (8-2)

It gets a home quarterfinal with a win at Weston (3-7) on Thanksgrabbing and would likely be seeded fourth.

Gilbert/Northwestern Regional (8-2)

It plays host to winless Housatonic Regional/Wamogo on Thanksgrabbing. Looks like it's taking a road trip during the quarterfinals unless Barlow and Bethel both lose. It can use a Ledyard loss, too, but can beat the Colonels on bonuses. It got a boost from Enfield when it won last night, which is one of its three bonuses.

WIN-AND-IN

Ledyard (8-2)

It plays host to Fitch (4-6) on Thanskgrabbing. It would qualify tonight if Woodland beat Seymour (one of Wolcott's bonuses) IF the game is played.

The Colonels would also qualify if two of the three lost — Putnam/Tourtellotte/Ellis Tech, Stonington or Wolcott lost on Thanksgrabbing.

A loss doesn't ruin Ledyard, either. It would need three bonuses to beat Stonington and two to edge Wolcott.

Finally, it caught a bad break last night when Enfield beat Sports Medical/University last night. G/NR would have 1,320 points if it won. Ledyard would have 1,310. G/NR has two bonuses. Ledyard has five, but they aren't promising — Waterford over East Lyme, Killingly over P/T/E, Woodstock over Windham, New London over NFA, or Plainfield over Griswold.

Bethel

If it lost, then it will need its two bonuses to hold off Stonington (Derby over Shelton, and Bunnell over Stratford)

Putnam/Tourtellotte/Ellis Tech (8-2)

It plays at Killingly (4-6) on Thanksgrabbing. A loss means that it would need Stonington and Wolcott to lose.

MAD SCRAMBLE

Stonington (7-3)

It plays host to Westerly (3-7) on Thanksgrabbing. It needs a win and a P/T/E loss, or a win, a Bethel loss, and beat the latter on bonuses. Bethel has two. The Bears have five. We'll get to those bonuses in a moment.

Wolcott (7-3)

It plays host to Holy Cross (7-3). It and Stonington would both have 1,130 points if both won, so bonuses would come into play.

Stonington has a maximum of five bonuses — Griswold (5-4) over Plainfield (5-5), Killingly over P/T/E, winless Woodstock over Windham (6-4), Ledyard over Fitch, and Bacon Academy (2-8) over RHAM (3-7).

All four need to win, Coginchaug to lose, and to cash in on bonuses (Holy Cross could mathematically catch Bloomfield, but won't).

Holy Cross has the best chance of this group — it has four bonuses for a 111.82 max.

Canton has two bonuses for a 105.45 max.

Northwest has seven bonuses for a 106.36 max.

Montville has the worst chance of them all. It has four bonuses for a 100.91 max. That's also Coginchaug's minimum. So if even if the Blue Devils lost to Cromwell, all they'd need is one of its four bonuses to eliminate Montville.

You're a goofball if you don't watch WFSB-3's Friday Night Football — on THANKSGRABBING DAY — during its 11 p.m. news. John Holt and Joe Zone are the best at what they do. They'll also have a Polecat Worldwide gofer on Friday night at 11:15 p.m. to analyze the playoffs. We dearly hope that the delightful Paget "Sadie Doyle" Brewster is watching.