TALES OF THE HEINOUS HYENA AND THE ANIMAL INVASION.

The animal kingdom is taking over, particularly the hyena fraternity, which has been over-zealously working round the clock to join the species of primates dubbed Homo sapiens. The hyena has effortlessly been crowned the king of seduction with a garment of sophistication, validating it to be accepted as one of our very own present day King Solomon. You jokingly call a Kenyan guy a FISI and they will feel honorable to the extremes of demanding a badge of honor from the Mafisi Sacco. They walk the streets parading a gait and demeanor to show they are Animals I bed.

Gears have shifted from men being acknowledged as goats to a more acceptable rank whose prominence becomes significant, only if you are referred using the title FISI. Heck even the president of Kenya was branded a FISI and the Commander-in-Chief wasted no time to extend a branch of his vigorous enthusiasm by sending the author of that mischief an early Christmas card. If this melodrama was poker, then that is a joker card from the King of the land. A sly move from the president. Instead of the son of Jomo throwing shade to one Milly, the witty guy pulled a fast one and threw the whole tree.

See, the recent debacle emanating from the National Assembly that managed to cause commotion worse than the doctors’ strike in Kenya leaves me bemused. How come “you are a dove” is a compliment and “you are a goat” is an insult. Why are we allowing discrimination to tear our society apart? Well, I think it’s because you will innocently lead a goat to water but it wants to go back and stare at a wall. And by the way, for the women who have said all men are goats, I hope you have given your father grass today.

Then there are these millennials on social media who keep spamming the internet with revelations of how they are jumping into 2017 single. AGAIN! Let me tell you something. Remember before Whatsapp when no one cared what you had for breakfast, or if you are taken or taken for granted? Well, they still don’t. Dear single ladies, please stop saying you should give up on men and get a cat; If no man wants you please don’t force an innocent cat to live with you. And as the Cabinet Secretary for Interior Security would warn, Al Shabaab are a threat to every SINGLE Kenyan, so people should consider getting married expeditiously in concerted effort and hope to tackle the Al Shabaab quagmire. Notwithstanding, the word Al Shabaab pisses the hell out of the Kenyan ICT Cabinet Secretary Joe Mucheru’s skin. This “geek” comically thinks Al Shabaab are dying to hack Kenyan elections just so Jubilee or CORD can supply them with scandals, corruption and a boost in charcoal trade. With this thinking, it is safe to think that a spider reasons better in terms of ICT because really, what did he do? He made a joke of himself. And what did a spider do? It made a website!

We are told Jesus will come like thief. Instead, examinations in Kenya currently are being released to shock thieves. They have been released “under water” in a vacuum and with discretion in its purest form. If you wanted to hide your pregnancy to the very last day of delivery, consult one technocrat Dr. Fred Matiangi who can help you come up with a pragmatic scheme to make clandestine your top secret. Parents are however shocked out of their souls that they sold a cow to educate yet another cow. Boys have generally been outdone in overall performance (excluding performance in bed). Well, they say boys are gambling more than they are reading because sportpesa is in for a kill. Methinks boys are reading more of manuals for the elephants they bought when they were drunk.

As relationships continue brewing love while peeps make love like rabbits, let us not forget that the leading cause of relationship problems is this demonic animal called Blue-ticks. Then the other day a Rhino tried to kill me but I said… “stop it you are just mad because you’re horny!” Then we laughed and killed some zebras together.Unto men, there is hope, if a damsel in distress tells you “all men are dogs,” cling onto the conviction that all dogs go to heaven.