Dear Mariella + Family | The Guardianhttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/series/dearmariella+family
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My husband is abusing me but I’m afraid to leave | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/mar/01/my-husband-is-abusing-me-but-i-am-afraid-to-leave-mariella-frostrup
<p>A mother with young children is being abused by her husband. Mariella Frostrup says she needs to summon all her courage, seek professional help and leave him…</p><p>If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to <a href="mailto:mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk">mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk</a></p><p><strong>The dilemma </strong><em>I am married and have two young kids with my husband, and other children from a previous relationship. My husband is verbally and mentally abusing me, but I am afraid to leave him because he is a social worker. He knows the law very well. He has pushed me twice, once while I was pregnant, and has also slapped me and pulled my hair. He has threatened me, saying that if I don’t do what he wants he will make false allegations against me so my children are taken away. I haven’t called the police or reported this because I am scared that he will say I am making things up. My oldest child hears all the abuse and the others are scared of him. </em></p><p><strong>Mariella says</strong> You need expert help. Domestic violence is the great scourge of our society and an all-too-common occurrence in homes across this supposedly civilised land. There are millions of people suffering like you: one in five women in the UK, and a few men, too. I wish your situation were more unusual, but as a woman between the ages of 15 and 44 you are more at risk from a partner’s abuse than you are from killer diseases, including cancer.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/mar/01/my-husband-is-abusing-me-but-i-am-afraid-to-leave-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>Domestic violenceMarriageFamilyRelationshipsLife and styleSocietySun, 01 Mar 2015 06:00:10 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/mar/01/my-husband-is-abusing-me-but-i-am-afraid-to-leave-mariella-frostrupPhotograph: Women's Aid/PA‘I know from grim experience that nothing will change until you take that leap’: Mariella Frostrup. Above, Keira Knightley in an advert to raise awareness of domestic abuse. Photograph: Women’s Aid/PAPhotograph: Women's Aid/PA‘I know from grim experience that nothing will change until you take that leap’: Mariella Frostrup. Above, Keira Knightley in an advert to raise awareness of domestic abuse. Photograph: Women’s Aid/PAMariella Frostrup2015-03-01T06:00:10ZI’m 15 and never get my way at home | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/25/im-15-never-get-my-way-at-home-mariella-frostrup
<p>A 15-year-old girl is fed up with her mum and wants to leave home. Mariella Frostrup says facing her issues would prepare her for the independence she craves</p><p><strong>The dilemma </strong><em>I’m 15 and I hate my house. My mum and I constantly argue and not because I’m a teen. For example, my boyfriend came over one day. We usually have the door shut. His parents trust us completely and give us space. We’re not having sex, neither of us want to, but my mum doesn’t believe that. We were sitting on my bed talking and then she (my mum) and stepdad came in and said: “The door stays open.” But WE’VE HAD IT SHUT BEFORE. I&nbsp;asked her what’s changed and she said: “I shouldn’t have to justify.” I&nbsp;don’t get treated equally either. My little stepsister gets what she wants straight away. I either don’t get it or have to wait for it. I need to get out. But I have nowhere to go. Mum won’t let me stay at my boyfriend’s. And friends isn’t an option. I just can’t be 100% happy.</em></p><p><strong>Mariella replies </strong>One hundred percent happy? That’s raising the bar quite high! Most of us hope for a scattering of happiness over our lives and a glimmer of euphoria every now and again. Wouldn’t constant happiness be as boring as constant sunshine?</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/25/im-15-never-get-my-way-at-home-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>Young peopleParents and parentingFamilyLife and styleMenopauseSun, 25 Jan 2015 05:59:01 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/25/im-15-never-get-my-way-at-home-mariella-frostrupPhotograph: Alamy‘Have you ever said calmly to your mum: “We need to talk?” She’ll probably FAINT!’: Mariella Frostrup advises a frustrated teen. Photograph: AlamyPhotograph: Alamy‘Have you ever said calmly to your mum: “We need to talk?” She’ll probably FAINT!’: Mariella Frostrup advises a frustrated teen. Photograph: AlamyMariella Frostrup2015-01-25T05:59:01ZIt’s hard to cope with my pregnant wife being so irritable | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/dec/07/hard-cope-pregnant-wife-irritable-mariella-frostrup
<p>A man with a short-tempered wife, about to give birth to their second child around Christmas, bemoans his lot. Mariella Frostrup rediscovers her own inner grumpy feminist<br><br>If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to <a href="mailto:mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk">mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk</a></p><p><strong>The dilemma </strong><em>I have a fiery and super-short-tempered wife, who loses her cool the moment something doesn’t work the way she wanted. Sometimes she blurts out really nasty things which I fear is beginning to push me away. Sometimes she unleashes her anger at our two-year-old son. But I love her very much and I want to provide and give her a happy life because, when calm, she is an amazing person to be around and we are excited to be expecting a daughter this month. I really don’t know how to approach or calm her down without aggravating her, so I just find myself distancing away from her to give her space, which does work sometimes, but even that at times annoys her because she thinks I am sulking when I stay away and say nothing to her. She is a good person at heart, but I really want to be able to remove the ridiculously short-tempered side of her.</em></p><p><strong>Mariella replies </strong>Surgically perhaps? It’s so inconvenient when the love of one’s life turns out to be human after all. It may be that you’ve just written to me on a bad week, but watching the women around me slowly unravel as we approach the “festivities” has definitely aroused the grumpy feminist within. I try to keep it under lock and key.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/dec/07/hard-cope-pregnant-wife-irritable-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>RelationshipsPregnancyFamilyParents and parentingWomenLife and styleHealth & wellbeingFeminismSun, 07 Dec 2014 05:59:03 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/dec/07/hard-cope-pregnant-wife-irritable-mariella-frostrupPhotograph: Katie Collins/PAMariella Frostrup: ‘She’s eight months pregnant with a toddler to care for and just a few weeks until Christmas. What’s not to love about that list?’ Photograph: Katie Collins/PAPhotograph: Katie Collins/PAMariella Frostrup: ‘She’s eight months pregnant with a toddler to care for and just a few weeks until Christmas. What’s not to love about that list?’ Photograph: Katie Collins/PAMariella Frostrup2014-12-07T05:59:03ZMy mother beat me and now I can’t trust anyone | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/nov/30/my-mother-beat-me-now-i-cant-trust-anyone
A 24-year-old man, badly abused in childhood, feels desperately helpless. Mariella says his letter shows his determination and advises professional help<br /><br />If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to <a href="mailto:mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk" title="">mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk</a><p><strong>The dilemma</strong><em> I am having a lot of problems related to my past. I was abused many times when I was five. My mother beat me all the time, and my parents were fighting. My father married twice and both my mothers lived in the same house. The other mother never beat her children, but my mum was always beating me for things I didn’t do. Now that I am 24 and very sensitive, I feel for every little word spoken about me or gesture made. I am confused about everything; I can’t make a decision. I am not confident at all, just looking at other people and trying to copy them. I cry sometimes at nights as I feel so helpless and alone. I can’t trust people. I’m scared to talk to them. I am a complete mess. Can you help me?</em></p><p><strong>Mariella replies</strong> I really hope so. Some weeks it’s hard to even open my mailbox it’s so full of examples of the emotional agonies unique to our species. Between the cries for help and appeals for guidance I get lovely letters from happier or restored souls thanking me for advice or for old columns they stumbled across that helped them through difficult times. These I cherish. Correspondence like that is humbling and offers a rare opportunity to feel I’m doing something worthwhile rather than vicariously riding other people’s traumatised coattails.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/nov/30/my-mother-beat-me-now-i-cant-trust-anyone">Continue reading...</a>Life and styleChildrenFamilyParents and parentingSocietySun, 30 Nov 2014 05:59:08 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/nov/30/my-mother-beat-me-now-i-cant-trust-anyonePhotograph: AlamyMariella Frostrup: ‘The weight of past history is not to be carried on our backs in perpetuity but scrutinised for lessons and then dumped.’ Photograph: AlamyPhotograph: AlamyMariella Frostrup: ‘The weight of past history is not to be carried on our backs in perpetuity but scrutinised for lessons and then dumped.’ Photograph: AlamyMariella Frostrup2014-11-30T05:59:08ZMy mother, a former alcoholic, wants to move in with me | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/nov/09/my-mother-former-alcoholic-wants-to-move-in-mariella-frostrup
A woman whose recently sober mother wants to live with her wonders how to say no. Mariella Frostrup says it’s essential for both of their lives that she does<br /><br />If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to <a href="mailto:mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk" title="">mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk</a><p><strong>The dilemma </strong><em>My mother, who was an alcoholic throughout my childhood, finally sobered up two years ago – at the age of 57. I am thrilled for her and proud she’s managed to do it. I am also angry with her. I wonder why she couldn’t have sorted herself out earlier, when I needed her most. The damage she inflicted on me – in the form of emotional and verbal abuse – destroyed my self-confidence and took a long time for me to fix. She has recently asked if she can move in with me, as she has nowhere else to go. I’m the only one of her three children who still speaks to her, so I’m all she has. I love her and I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t want her in my house.</em></p><p><strong>Mariella replies </strong>How about just the way you told me? There is nothing wrong with continuing to offer your mother emotional and practical support without taking her on as your flatmate.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/nov/09/my-mother-former-alcoholic-wants-to-move-in-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>AlcoholismFamilyRelationshipsParents and parentingLife and styleMental healthHealthAlcoholSocietySun, 09 Nov 2014 05:59:11 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/nov/09/my-mother-former-alcoholic-wants-to-move-in-mariella-frostrupPhotograph: Janeanne Gilchrist/Getty ImagesMariella Frostrup: 'Regardless of alcohol
issues, most adults wouldn’t want a needy parent moving in.' Photograph: Janeanne Gilchrist/Getty ImagesPhotograph: Janeanne Gilchrist/Getty ImagesMariella Frostrup: 'Regardless of alcohol
issues, most adults wouldn’t want a needy parent moving in.' Photograph: Janeanne Gilchrist/Getty ImagesMariella Frostrup2014-11-09T05:59:11ZMy perimenopausal wife is unhappy, and I don’t like her or our life together | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/oct/19/perimenopausal-wife-unhappy-i-dont-like-her-or-our-life-mariella-frostrup
<p>A man finds his wife’s overreaction to the messiness of their teenage children frustrating. Mariella Frostrup says he needs to sort himself out first</p><p><br>If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to <a href="mailto:mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk">mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk</a></p><p><strong>The dilemma </strong><em>My wife dearly loves our two teenage children but becomes hugely frustrated at their general untidiness. I have sympathy with them, as they are both improvements on me as a teenager, but my wife becomes very frustrated with my seeming lack of support. I find this extremely irritating as I do my best to provide a consistent front, although I sometimes refuse to do so when I think she is being absolutely unreasonable and creating an unnecessary row. It is clear that she has some really entrenched resentments towards me and I increasingly feel that I don’t like her very much. I know that I compare poorly to her much-loved father, who provided unlimited support to her often unreasonable mother when he was alive, and I also realise that she is generally unhappy (demanding mother, challenging perimenopause, OCD tendencies, health worries). I&nbsp;don’t know what to do, as I can only see our life together getting worse.</em></p><p><strong>Mariella replies </strong>This definitely isn’t about the kids. You’d struggle to find any parent who doesn’t despair of their children’s messiness from time to time or indeed, more commonly, on a daily basis. It’s a&nbsp;terrible trait in the younger generation that only escalates as the years accrue and must partly be nature’s way of ensuring we’re relieved to see the back of our little darlings instead of traumatised by their final departure from our devastated homes. In severe cases this lingers well into a child’s 20s, as any mother who has turned up to visit her kid with a dustpan and brush will attest to.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/oct/19/perimenopausal-wife-unhappy-i-dont-like-her-or-our-life-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>MenopauseMarriageFamilyYoung peopleRelationshipsLife and styleSun, 19 Oct 2014 04:59:05 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/oct/19/perimenopausal-wife-unhappy-i-dont-like-her-or-our-life-mariella-frostrupPhotograph: Getty ImagesMariella Frostrup: ‘You’d struggle to find any parent who doesn’t despair of their children’s messiness sometimes.’Photograph: Getty ImagesMariella Frostrup: ‘You’d struggle to find any parent who doesn’t despair of their children’s messiness sometimes.’Mariella Frostrup2014-10-19T04:59:05ZMy boyfriend doesn’t like my parents. What does this mean for our future? | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/sep/28/boyfriend-doesnt-like-my-parents-what-about-our-future-mariella-frostrup
A woman whose boyfriend dislikes her parents is worried about their future. Mariella Frostrup says that even though his own parents divorced, learning to cope with others is part of growing up<p><strong>The dilemma </strong><em>My boyfriend strongly dislikes my family and I don’t know what to do about it. He and I have been together for eight months now and I’ve really fallen for him. We have a great relationship, but there is this recurring problem to do with our different backgrounds. I come from a fairly well-off family and we’re very close. We’re not excessively wealthy, but we have been blessed with a comfortable upbringing. This is in stark contrast to my boyfriend’s family. They never had a lot of money, his parents went through an ugly divorce when he was growing up and now he doesn’t have a good relationship with them. My parents live abroad so my boyfriend has only met them twice, but both times we have travelled to see them and then stayed for a while, so it has been pretty intense for him. Since then he has admitted he just doesn’t like my parents. I love him and don’t want to lose him. I’m worried about how this could impact on our future. </em></p><p><strong>Mariella replies </strong>You’re right to be concerned – not that your boyfriend needs to enter into a lovefest with your parents for you to stick together. He’d be a rare find indeed were he to declare unadulterated delight in his in-laws. You’d probably need to check his alcohol levels or psychiatric history. The unfortunate truth is that most mature adults find their own parents annoying, let alone their partner’s. Liking and tolerating are two entirely separate sentiments.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/sep/28/boyfriend-doesnt-like-my-parents-what-about-our-future-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>RelationshipsFamilyLife and styleSun, 28 Sep 2014 04:59:15 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/sep/28/boyfriend-doesnt-like-my-parents-what-about-our-future-mariella-frostrupPhotograph: Ian Shaw/Alamy'I don’t expect your boyfriend to like your parents, though I am fascinated as to why he’s not even pretending': Mariella Frostrup. Photograph: Ian Shaw/AlamyPhotograph: Ian Shaw/Alamy'I don’t expect your boyfriend to like your parents, though I am fascinated as to why he’s not even pretending': Mariella Frostrup. Photograph: Ian Shaw/AlamyMariella Frostrup2014-09-28T04:59:15ZMy daughter sounds uneducated because she says ‘like’ so much | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/sep/21/daughter-sounds-uneducated-because-she-says-like-so-much-mariella-frostrup
<p>A mother is worried that her daughter sounds stupid and uneducated because she uses the word ‘like’ all the time. Mariella Frostrup says it’s just the world she lives in <br>■ If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to <a href="mailto:mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk">mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk</a></p><p><strong>The dilemma </strong><em>My adult daughter is clever,&nbsp;pretty and confident. However, she cannot stop saying “like’’ about six&nbsp;times in every sentence. She lives abroad and is currently freelancing so is not in an office environment. Our only contact is via Skype, and if we mention it she becomes annoyed and&nbsp;says she has been doing it for the past 15 years. I&nbsp;know it is not the end of the world, but it makes her sound stupid and uneducated, which she most definitely is not, and when she wants to return to the real world I&nbsp;worry this will be held against her.</em></p><p><strong>Mariella replies </strong>The real world – where is that exactly? We now inhabit a global village, and as with any community you can’t escape the good or the bad. The onslaught of transworld communication gives individuals, societies and whole nations hitherto unimaginable contact with the outside world. Whether it’s youngsters united in a cause, citizens of repressive regimes or countries poor on infrastructure, there’s no denying the internet’s ability to create a&nbsp;global fraternity and a new universe of opportunity. The price we’re paying seems increasingly to be the homogenisation of culture.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/sep/21/daughter-sounds-uneducated-because-she-says-like-so-much-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>RelationshipsParents and parentingFamilyLife and styleSun, 21 Sep 2014 05:00:10 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/sep/21/daughter-sounds-uneducated-because-she-says-like-so-much-mariella-frostrupPhotograph: GettyMariella Frostrup: ‘Our children’s generation is seemingly happier to zoom in on their personal computers than out to the world beyond technology.’ Photograph: GettyPhotograph: GettyMariella Frostrup: ‘Our children’s generation is seemingly happier to zoom in on their personal computers than out to the world beyond technology.’ Photograph: GettyMariella Frostrup2014-09-21T05:00:10ZShould I move nearer my grandchild but away from my grownup children? | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jul/20/should-i-move-near-my-grandchild-mariella-frostrup
A grandfather with four children wonders whether to move 150 miles to be near his grandchild. Mariella Frostrup suggests flexible thinking - and new goals<p><strong><em>The Dilemma</em></strong><em> Our 39-year-old daughter and her husband had a much- hoped-and-tried-for child last year. They live 150 miles from us, so we have&nbsp;only limited contact with our granddaughter. Our son is 29, in a&nbsp;relationship and lives not far from us. He says they don’t want children. My other daughter is 32, lives locally, and has been single all her adult life, but would like to find a partner and start a&nbsp;family. We see both these children regularly. Our fourth child is married, lives in Australia and will stay there. Recently, our eldest daughter asked us to move near them so&nbsp;that we could play an active role in our grandchild’s life. We are in our early 60s, retired, and could easily move financially. We&nbsp;would love to play a big part in our grandchild’s life, but it would take us away from the others, who might give us grandchildren one day. Should we live our lives in the here and now or wait&nbsp;for what might or might never be?</em></p><p>You’re an all-or-nothing kind of guy, aren’t you? If you’re wondering how I know you’re a man, your pragmatic, detailed and entirely unemotional approach to your dilemma is a dead giveaway. I’m sensing nuance is not your thing, but embracing a degree of flexibility might actually be your best option in this scenario.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jul/20/should-i-move-near-my-grandchild-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>RelationshipsLife and styleParents and parentingFamilyChildrenSocietySat, 19 Jul 2014 23:05:16 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jul/20/should-i-move-near-my-grandchild-mariella-frostrupPhotograph: AlamyShould a grandparent move far from their own grownup children to be near a grandchild? Photograph: AlamyPhotograph: AlamyShould a grandparent move far from their own grownup children to be near a grandchild? Photograph: AlamyMariella Frostrup2014-07-19T23:05:16ZMy parents’ juvenile behaviour stops me from enjoying myself | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jul/13/my-parents-juvenile-behaviour-stops-me-enjoying-myself-mariella-frostrup
A young woman is unable to enjoy her pre-college years because her parents embarrass her. Mariella Frostrup says she should let them get on with it<p><strong><em>The dilemma</em></strong><em> I’m worried about my mum and dad. They are getting on a bit (about to turn 50) and still behaving like teenagers. I don’t know how I can enjoy myself while they are the ones who are still rebelling. I am off to college in September and I can’t wait to get away. This year I got a job at Glastonbury and my parents were delighted, but said they fancied coming to keep an eye on me. I&nbsp;hardly saw them, though on Saturday when I was getting up for my day shift I&nbsp;bumped into them stumbling back from the Dance Field. It was so embarrassing as I was with a boy I quite like and it was obvious my parents had taken E or something and been up all night. He said I was like Saffy in Ab Fab, but I don’t want to have to grow up fast just because my parents refuse to. </em></p><p>I’ve been expecting this letter. Popular mythology has it that your generation is a bunch of apathetic loafers with no ambition and even less political fire. Personally I think that the worst crime you’ve committed is letting yourselves be so wrongfully maligned.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jul/13/my-parents-juvenile-behaviour-stops-me-enjoying-myself-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>RelationshipsLife and styleParents and parentingFamilySun, 13 Jul 2014 04:59:05 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jul/13/my-parents-juvenile-behaviour-stops-me-enjoying-myself-mariella-frostrupPhotograph: LWA- JDC/CORBISEmbarrassing parents may make their children cringe, but Mariella Frostrup has the answer. Photograph: LWA- JDC/CorbisPhotograph: LWA- JDC/CORBISEmbarrassing parents may make their children cringe, but Mariella Frostrup has the answer. Photograph: LWA- JDC/CorbisMariella Frostrup2014-07-13T04:59:05ZMy daughter doesn't like me dating her fiancé's dad | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jun/22/daugher-doesnt-like-me-dating-fiance-dad-mariella-frostrup
A woman who is dating the father of her daughter's fiancé is worried by the younger couple's disapproval. Mariella Frostrup says that the older pair should be sensitive<p><strong>The dilemma</strong><em> For the past three months I have been seeing the father of my daughter's fianc&eacute;.&nbsp;We have known each other for a couple of years, but recently acknowledged that we like each other romantically. We told our respective children&nbsp;about this a month ago, and brought it into the open,&nbsp;but they have made no secret of the fact that they disapprove.&nbsp;All our other family and friends do not see what the issue is and are very supportive.</em></p><p><em>However, our children say the situation is &quot;weird and unusual&quot;, they will not &quot;ever accept it&quot; etc. They are doing everything possible to end our relationship. They are getting married this year and I think a lot of it is based on what other people will think.&nbsp;We have reassured them that we will not embarrass them in any way. &nbsp;It's so difficult – we like each other so very much, and get on so well – and at our ages (50s) probably will not find another opportunity to be happy.&nbsp; Are we so wrong?&nbsp; I just don't know any more, but I object to being blackmailed by my own daughter!</em></p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jun/22/daugher-doesnt-like-me-dating-fiance-dad-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>FamilyMarriageParents and parentingChildrenRelationshipsWeddingsLife and styleSun, 22 Jun 2014 05:00:01 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jun/22/daugher-doesnt-like-me-dating-fiance-dad-mariella-frostrupAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'It’s only fair that your new-found happiness take a back seat to your children’s wedding. You’ve been dating three months, and they’re about to commit for life.' Photograph: AlamyAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'It’s only fair that your new-found happiness take a back seat to your children’s wedding. You’ve been dating three months, and they’re about to commit for life.' Photograph: AlamyMariella Frostrup2014-06-22T05:00:01ZWill I regret not having children? | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jun/01/will-i-regret-not-having-children-mariella-frostrup
A couple has decided not to have kids, but friends and relatives claim they will regret it. Mariella Frostrup says they need to be clear on the reasons behind their decision <br />■ If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to <a href="mailto:mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk" title="">mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk</a><p><strong>The dilemma </strong><em>I am married and in my late 30s. My husband and I are happy in all aspects of our lives. We have both (individually and together) chosen not to have children. I have never felt &quot;maternal&quot; and while I love children I have never been tempted to have my own. I believe that if I had been a decade younger when I got married, or if my husband had been very eager to be a father, I might have acted differently, but I have felt this way pretty consistently my whole life. I don't see this as a&nbsp;problem, but people around us do. Family and friends tell us of the regret that will inevitably set in a decade from now, especially when I realise that I cannot have children biologically. Others tell us that our relationship will become weaker with no children to hold it together. I understand all of this intellectually, but my gut tells me that my decision is correct for me and my husband. Am I&nbsp;missing something? Is it so unnatural for a woman not to want her own child? </em></p><p><strong>Mariella replies </strong>Unusual but not unnatural. Centuries of propaganda tell us we're created in order to procreate, but the great thing about being human is that you get to make your own choices. To have or not to have children is one of the burning questions. It's a decision further complicated by the fact that it's one of the few areas of our physical lives where time actually does run out. You can run a marathon at 60, learn to scuba dive as a septuagenarian, but once your cache of eggs runs out your procreating days are over (though, happily, that situation is improving).</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jun/01/will-i-regret-not-having-children-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>Parents and parentingFamilyRelationshipsLife and styleSun, 01 Jun 2014 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jun/01/will-i-regret-not-having-children-mariella-frostrupJurgen Schulzki /AlamyMariella Frostrup: 'To have or not to have children is one of the burning questions.' Photograph: Jurgen Schulzki /AlamyJurgen Schulzki /AlamyMariella Frostrup: 'To have or not to have children is one of the burning questions.' Photograph: Jurgen Schulzki /AlamyMariella Frostrup2014-06-01T05:00:00ZI feel terrible anger towards my mother | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/may/25/i-feel-terrible-anger-towards-my-mother-mariella-frostrup
A woman is furious with her mother, although it was her father who left home. Mariella Frostrup can relate to how children of separation are often scarred as adults<br />■ If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to <a href="mailto:mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk" title="">mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk</a><p><strong>The dilemma </strong><em>I am furious with my mother and I don't think she deserves it. My father left home for another woman when I was seven. It was an awful time and I responded to it very badly. I&nbsp;spent most of the rest of my childhood in a&nbsp;state of anxiety. My mother, in her early 30s when he left, retrained at university to get a good job so she could provide for me, my brother and sister.&nbsp;</em></p><p><em>I am now 34 and, on the whole, our relationship has improved, but I still have feelings of uncontrollable anger towards her and my thoughts about her can become quite dark. Though I hardly ever see him, it's my father whose approval I crave – even though, if anyone, he should be the focus of my anger. I find it very difficult visiting my mother at her home, and when she tries to speak to me, my responses can be monosyllabic and passive-aggressive. </em></p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/may/25/i-feel-terrible-anger-towards-my-mother-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>DivorceRelationshipsParents and parentingFamilyLife and styleSun, 25 May 2014 08:00:03 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/may/25/i-feel-terrible-anger-towards-my-mother-mariella-frostrupAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'My fury was always focused on my mum. In my child’s-eye view, whenever I was exposed to pain it meant she had let me down.' Photograph: AlamyAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'My fury was always focused on my mum. In my child’s-eye view, whenever I was exposed to pain it meant she had let me down.' Photograph: AlamyMariella Frostrup2014-05-25T08:00:03ZI'm 16, lonely and depressed, with nowhere to turn | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/may/18/teenager-unattractive-unhappy-lonely-depressed-mariella-frostrup
A teenager feels unattractive, unhappy and lonely… Mariella Frostrup empathises, but says it's part and parcel of growing up<br />■ If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to <a href="mailto:mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk" title="">mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk</a><p><strong>The dilemma </strong><em>I'm a 16-year-old girl. I recently realised I'm suffering from depression: I always feel tired, unhappy, dejected and lonely. I'm not popular and when I do go out with friends and compare my life to theirs I feel more depressed. They all have boyfriends, even the ugly ones! I am not attractive and have never dated anyone. My social abilities are weak. I feel like a&nbsp;nobody. When younger, I used to watch a&nbsp;cartoon where one of the characters attracted every girl in the village. To get rid of my loneliness I started to imagine myself as that person and still do that. Is that normal? I just don't know what to do. I don't trust anyone and can't talk about my feelings to anyone, not even my mum. Please help!</em></p><p></p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/may/18/teenager-unattractive-unhappy-lonely-depressed-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>Young peopleDepressionFamilyRelationshipsLife and styleSocietySun, 18 May 2014 05:00:02 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/may/18/teenager-unattractive-unhappy-lonely-depressed-mariella-frostrupAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'Only those with skin as thick as elephant hide can hope to sail through their teens unscathed by self-doubt and bouts of depression.' Photograph: AlamyAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'Only those with skin as thick as elephant hide can hope to sail through their teens unscathed by self-doubt and bouts of depression.' Photograph: AlamyMariella Frostrup2014-05-18T05:00:02ZI was abused as a child, and I'm jealous of my in-laws' perfect life | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/may/11/abused-child-jealous-in-laws-perfect-life
A woman who was mentally and sexually abused as a child is full of regret and envies the lifestyle of her smug in-laws<br />■ If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to <a href="mailto:mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk" title="">mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk</a><p><strong>The dilemma </strong><em>I am in my late 50s. I've never travelled, been to university or known how to love. I was abused mentally and sexually as a child and my mother would threaten to kill herself if I suggested leaving home to see the world. Eventually I met someone supportive and loving&nbsp; who has made me as happy as I can be. We have three amazing children. Life should be good, but I&nbsp;have this overwhelming feeling of hate towards his brother and his family. They seem to live under a&nbsp;golden glow: they are incredibly wealthy and smug. Whenever we see&nbsp;them, they boast of everything they have and it serves as a reminder of what I don't have. My husband says to count our blessings, which I do. But I feel there is a badness in me that will always be there.</em></p><p><strong>Mariella replies </strong>No badness – that's your unresolved past talking. You're just flawed, like the rest of us. Counting your blessings is great advice, but it can be a struggle to identify your own good fortune when what's in front of you is the immensity of other people's. Smug in-laws are two a penny, but if it wasn't your relations I'm sure there would be friends, acquaintances or colleagues you would envy and be enraged by. You'd have to be hewn of stone not to feel the occasional twinge of jealousy when confronted with the apparent ease of other people's achievements. On such occasions it's important to try and remember that nothing, even money, comes free.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/may/11/abused-child-jealous-in-laws-perfect-life">Continue reading...</a>FamilyRelationshipsLife and styleSun, 11 May 2014 07:00:00 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/may/11/abused-child-jealous-in-laws-perfect-lifeAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'Smug in-laws are two a penny, but if it wasn’t your relations I’m sure there would be friends, acquaintances or colleagues you would envy and be enraged by.' Photograph: AlamyAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'Smug in-laws are two a penny, but if it wasn't them there would be friends, acquaintances or colleagues you'd be enraged by.' Photograph: AlamyAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'Smug in-laws are two a penny, but if it wasn’t your relations I’m sure there would be friends, acquaintances or colleagues you would envy and be enraged by.' Photograph: AlamyAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'Smug in-laws are two a penny, but if it wasn't them there would be friends, acquaintances or colleagues you'd be enraged by.' Photograph: AlamyMariella Frostrup2014-05-11T07:00:00ZIs the fact that I lost my mother at 16 making me tearful now? | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/may/04/losing-mother-at-16-making-me-tearful-now-mariella-frostrup
A woman who lost her mother at 16 has worked hard to build the life she always wanted. So why is she suddenly so tearful? Mariella Frostrup has been there herself<br />If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to <a href="mailto:mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk" title="">mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk</a><p><strong>The dilemma </strong><em>I am a happy, rational and evidently completely normal woman in her mid-20s. In the past year I've started&nbsp;a great career which is fulfilling and fun, fallen in love with a wonderful man&nbsp;and started living the life I wanted when I was younger and directionless.&nbsp;But I have become more and more prone to stress,&nbsp;and my problem is that&nbsp;I'm not very good at handling it. Aggravating (but by no means catastrophic) situations leave me in a&nbsp;puddle of tears, from missing a&nbsp;flight to not being able to do my taxes properly; even one incident&nbsp;when my boyfriend suddenly couldn't stay the night&nbsp;left me a snivelling wreck. I am living in a foreign country. I&nbsp;like it here and&nbsp;I am making friends, although I&nbsp;miss my family and home country. </em></p><p><em>I&nbsp;lost my mother at the age of 16 and the grief was never fully addressed, but pegging everything on my mother's death will get me nowhere. Oddly, before getting together with my man,&nbsp;I&nbsp;would seldom cry, usually only&nbsp;when alone. Since I fell for&nbsp;him, I&nbsp;can't hold it in.&nbsp;What&nbsp;can I do to stop crying and face a challenge without a&nbsp;tantrum?</em></p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/may/04/losing-mother-at-16-making-me-tearful-now-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>Death and dyingBereavementDepressionRelationshipsFamilyLife and styleParents and parentingSun, 04 May 2014 07:59:02 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/may/04/losing-mother-at-16-making-me-tearful-now-mariella-frostrupAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'Despite having your emotional security challenged by your bereavement, you’ve managed to step boldly out into the world, far from home and hearth, and create a successful life.' Photograph: AlamyAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'Despite having your emotional security challenged by your bereavement, you’ve managed to step boldly out into the world, far from home and hearth, and create a successful life.' Photograph: AlamyMariella Frostrup2014-05-04T07:59:02ZOur pets are making me miserable | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/apr/27/our-pets-making-me-miserable-mariella-frostrup
A woman whose family begged her to get two dogs now hates the pets – and her life. Mariella Frostrup says she needs to focus on the real causes of her unhappiness<br />If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to <a href="mailto:mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk" title="">mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk</a><p><strong>The dilemma </strong><em>Five years ago I gave in to the urging of my daughters and husband and acquired two dogs. I am not a dog person but felt that feelings might develop. They did – negative ones, which have worsened over time, and now I cannot stand the animals. As well as the usual care and attention – walks, feeding etc – they are intermittently incontinent and frequently wake me in the night by scratching the floors. No amount of training has cracked the problem. My husband takes responsibility for them when he is around, but my daughters no longer pull their weight. I am starting to dislike my life intensely. Like a lot of working mothers, I feel underappreciated. I have suffered from depression throughout my life and am on antidepressants. I&nbsp;feel the dogs really are the final straw. My husband dotes on them so much he simply cannot believe it when I tell him how I feel. If I asked him to choose between the dogs and me, he would choose me. But he would never forgive me for making him get rid of them.</em></p><p></p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/apr/27/our-pets-making-me-miserable-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>PetsFamilyDepressionRelationshipsLife and styleSun, 27 Apr 2014 08:00:01 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/apr/27/our-pets-making-me-miserable-mariella-frostrupAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'Like all living creatures dogs soak up the atmosphere around them and the neediness and disobedience you describe is simply a dumb animal’s only way to express its stress.' Photograph: AlamyAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'Like all living creatures dogs soak up the atmosphere around them and the neediness and disobedience you describe is simply a dumb animal’s only way to express its stress.' Photograph: AlamyMariella Frostrup2014-04-27T08:00:01ZI asked my boyfriend to leave but found I'm pregnant. Shall I keep the baby? | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/feb/09/boyfriend-leave-pregnant-shall-i-keep-baby
A woman of 40 who asked her boyfriend to move out has discovered she is pregnant. Should she keep the child? Mariella Frostrup says she has to think of herself.<br />If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to <a href="mailto:mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk" title="">mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk</a><p><strong>The dilemma</strong><em> I am 40 and I've been with my boyfriend for two years, but have never been madly in love or in lust. Last year I became pregnant and lost the baby at 16 weeks. We were both deeply upset.&nbsp;I have now discovered I&nbsp;am pregnant again – just after asking my boyfriend to leave the house we share (which I own). He agreed and has moved out for us to think about what we want to do. He is a lovely, decent, honest, kind man. The rows have been instigated by me and my brattish behaviour. My boyfriend has now told me he &quot;did not sign up for this&quot;, that he would like me to abort the child as he has tried many times and we always get to the same hurtful place. He doesn't want a child in a broken relationship and I suspect he wants to be free of me.&nbsp;I have started counselling, as I'm negative, bullying and rarely show love verbally. I have a long road to go to become open to good, loving emotions, but in the meantime I am being asked to get rid of a child, which – at nearly 41 – I&nbsp;fear I will never have the chance to have again.&nbsp;</em></p><p></p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/feb/09/boyfriend-leave-pregnant-shall-i-keep-baby">Continue reading...</a>RelationshipsLife and stylePregnancyHealth & wellbeingFamilyParents and parentingSun, 09 Feb 2014 09:00:00 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/feb/09/boyfriend-leave-pregnant-shall-i-keep-babyAlamy'While the situation is far from ideal for him, he has the opportunity to become a father for years to come. You don’t have that luxury', says Mariella. Photograph: AlamyAlamy'While the situation is far from ideal for him, he has the opportunity to become a father for years to come. You don’t have that luxury', says Mariella. Photograph: AlamyMariella Frostrup2014-02-09T09:00:00ZMy teenage daughter is so aggressive I've thrown her out | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/feb/02/my-teenage-daughter-aggressive-thrown-out
A mother who threw her aggressive teenage daughter out of the house is devastated. Mariella Frostrup says, despite the bluster, her daughter needs her more than ever.<br />If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to <a href="mailto:mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk" title="">mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk</a><p><strong>The dilemma</strong> <em>My 16-year-old daughter has gone to live with my mum. We have always had a&nbsp;difficult relationship, but recently the arguments have become more vicious and violent. I really don't know how we can resolve the last one. I live with my partner of 15 years and our two other children. I am devastated by the situation. My middle child has health problems including growth hormone deficiency and dyspraxia. The most recent episode started with my eldest daughter calling her a &quot;retarded cunt&quot;. I completely lost it and threw her out of the house. She stayed at a friend's house that first night and I took her to my mum's the next day. As I was leaving she said she hopes the children get taken into care. Otherwise, we have a happy home and I don't know what to do. </em></p><p></p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/feb/02/my-teenage-daughter-aggressive-thrown-out">Continue reading...</a>RelationshipsFamilyLife and styleSun, 02 Feb 2014 09:01:21 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/feb/02/my-teenage-daughter-aggressive-thrown-outAlamy'I know how bloody minded a precocious teenager can be, but also how the rage is really a cry for help'. Photograph: AlamyAlamy'I know how bloody minded a precocious teenager can be, but also how the rage is really a cry for help'. Photograph: AlamyMariella Frostrup2014-02-02T09:01:21ZWhy is my daughter not talking to me? | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/dec/15/why-is-my-daughter-not-talking-to-me-mariella-frostrup
A mother who gave one of her daughters money for a house is no longer on speaking terms with the other daughter. Mariella Frostrup is shocked by her favouritism<br />If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to <a href="mailto:mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk" title="">mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk</a><p><strong>The dilemma </strong><em>I have two daughters in their 30s. A few years ago, my elder daughter found herself in a desperate financial situation whereby she and her husband had to quickly raise a considerable sum of money to purchase the house they were renting. She turned to me for help (something she had never done before), but I would have had to remortgage one&nbsp;of my properties to lend her the money, so I refused. She accepted my reasons, and they managed to get a&nbsp;mortgage and stay in their home. Some time later my younger daughter was tragically widowed, and by then I was in a better financial position. I&nbsp;therefore gave her &pound;50,000 to help her buy her first home, which she shares with a lodger. When my older daughter found out about this she was hurt and angry, and now refuses to have anything to do with me. She says it's not about the money, but I think she's being selfish, petty and resentful. I have not made any attempts to get in touch since the disagreement, as I&nbsp;don't feel I&nbsp;have done anything wrong. Why is she being so unreasonable?</em></p><p></p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/dec/15/why-is-my-daughter-not-talking-to-me-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>Parents and parentingFamilyRelationshipsLife and styleSun, 15 Dec 2013 09:08:00 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/dec/15/why-is-my-daughter-not-talking-to-me-mariella-frostrupAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'Most fascinating to me is the
high horse you seem to be astride. This seems to be all about you and the manipulation of power'. Photograph: AlamyAlamyMariella Frostrup: 'Most fascinating to me is the
high horse you seem to be astride. This seems to be all about you and the manipulation of power'. Photograph: AlamyMariella Frostrup2013-12-15T09:08:00Z