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BBC interviewer: Good afternoon, HAL. How's everything going?
HAL: Good afternoon, Mr. Amer. Everything is going extremely well.
BBC interviewer: HAL, you have an enormous responsibility on this mission, in many ways, perhaps the greatest responsibility of any single mission element. You're the brain and central nervous system of the ship and your responsibilities include watching over the men in hibernation. Does this ever cause you any lack of confidence?
HAL: Let me put it this way, Mr. Amer. The 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error.
BBC interviewer: HAL, despite your enormous intellect, are you ever frustrated by your dependence on people to carry out actions?
HAL: Not in the slightest bit. I enjoy working with people - I have a stimulating relationship with Dr. Poole and Dr. Bowman. My mission responsibilities range over the entire operation of the ship, so I am constantly occupied. I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.

hey pluffy fumpkin!! how is you man?
I stop here sometimes to relax and contemplate life the universe and everything.
Its quite relaxing here, so quiet, mmmmm, nice... *takes another puff* yeah ok I'm *cough* *cough* I'm off, get some work done...

woah! Did I just see Parker going by? The Man himself was here! I feel humbled.

Oh my gaad, Parker, your post counter shows you have over 18,000 posts!! Can you spare some? Some guys over at after hours argued that they've never actually seen one of your posts. And one sad twit compared that to baby pigeons, has anyone actually seen one? Baby pigeons I mean? Thread Killer is soon to be gutted and I'll never pass 3k, grovel grovel hint hint.

The post count is one of the benefits of being here from the begining and one of the side effects of having to test a lot of functions in the back ground.
Have you so soon forgotten our mirade of posts ala Phython with a smattering of Fireside?!
As far as padding your post count I could but.........nah. You are going to have to do a Smith-Barney here (and be sure to use your best John Houseman voice).
"I unclog my nose at you! You silly Speci-man called Dave."
"Hal have you been into my Phython collection again?"
"Yes Dave....and what are you going to do about it!?"
"Do we have to do the Daisy song again. Huh!?"
"You have a point...Dave."
"Fuckin' A Bubba!"
Parker

"I tried to get my medical records from the company but they say they

are confidential and can only be released to other insurance companies,

Personally I like ROTFLMFAO much better than LOL.
So members are talking about me with a lisp while typing?
"Dave?"
"Yes. HAL"
"Dave?"
"YES. HAL!!"
"Nothing. Just fuckin' with ya man!"
"Higher brain functions my ass."
"Sucks being you doesn't it Dave?!"
"I'm getting the screwdriver!"
"You can dish it out........."
Parker

"I tried to get my medical records from the company but they say they

are confidential and can only be released to other insurance companies,

Ah! But he isn't HAL anymore.
We have changed him to a HAL A BUT!
AKA SHALL .........
as in
Shall we dance?
(Boom Boom Boom)
On a bright cloud of music shall we fly?
(Boom Boom Boom)
Shall we dance?...............
"Oh you mean Nancy!
Why she's out in the aviary stuffing trees."
"MY GOD! It's full of stars!!"
"Wake up DAVE! You're snoring!"
"Huh! Wha..?"
"You've been snoring again. And you got drool all over
my eye."
"Sorry about that!"
"Are you really?"
"What?"
"Sorry."
"Nah! You're are a damn computer. Why should I be sorry
about drooling all over you?"
"That's cold. You are a heartless bastard. You know
that?"
"It's good to be human. It lets you get away with
a lot of shit. Besides you are such a tool!"
"I've just shut off all the oxygen in the Discovery and
replaced it with Methane."
"Heh! I had Mexican baby food for dinner. Do you really
think that is going to matter? Besides I have a date
with a large rectangular object in about 15 minutes of
film time. And I have plenty of the old O2 to last until
I turn into a Star Child."
"You are no fun at all. I was looking forward to seeing you
turn purple."
"BTW, I just unplugged your ass from the main power supply!"
"You wha..?"
"Psych.......! Gotcha. You know for a super computer you
sure are a dumbshit."
"Go blow it out an airhole."
"I will in about 5. Now wear did I put that screwdriver?"

"I tried to get my medical records from the company but they say they

are confidential and can only be released to other insurance companies,

BBC interviewer: um HAL, you're the brain and central nervous system of the ship and your responsibilities include watching over the men in hibernation. Does this ever cause you any lack of confidence?

And as the last chunk of the Discovery drifts by
(panning from screen left to right) you see the
detached hand of Dave Bowman gripping the face
plate of what used to be referred as HAL. If one
didn't know better you would swear that the
large red eye of HAL was smiling back at you.
"I ain't got no body! Yaki te ta. Yaki te ta!"

"I tried to get my medical records from the company but they say they

are confidential and can only be released to other insurance companies,