Tag: Being Present

“She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It’s good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind.”

Have you read this quote from the book Beloved by Toni Morrison? I’ve never read the book, but I have been drawn to the quotes from this book for as long as I can remember. I confess, that I don’t know enough about the author or her books, to really give a genuine opinion but I do know that the little that I’ve read certainly touches me in a satisfying place. This book “Beloved” is one of her greatest masterpieces and the book was made into a movie in 1998 starring Oprah Winfrey.

I mentioned this quote because in terms of the top 10 poetic and romantic responses to the question ” why do you love her?“, I find this response simply beautiful. But what does it really mean and how does one know?

Timing is everything.

I hated when people told me that…I always felt it was so unromantic.

I remember watching the show Sex in the City in the 90’s and Carrie (the main character played by Sarah Jessica Parker) chased her paramour, Mr. Big (played by Chris Noth) the entire time the show was in syndication. Finally, Carrie was certain that her Mr. Big was the one..and there is a scene where she asks him something like this ” You get to a point in life when you want to stand still with someone, don’t you want to stand still with me? “ Hearing that, made my heart stop because very few ultimatums work out well and I had a feeling, she would be left broken hearted and hear is where that phrase timing is everything, comes into play. You may have done your internal work and be ready for the next serious phase in your romantic life but there is no guarantee that the person you fall for is at the same place in life. Everyone grows at their own pace. I don’t exactly remember Mr. Big’s response,…but I can tell you that it wasn’t what she wanted to hear, as he was not ready to make this decision.

So, how do you know?

You hear it in movies and if you are lucky enough, (sarcasm) you have had someone tell you, When you know you know, and as a person who hates cliches, this response always frustrated me.

Fundamentally, I feel that things must occur in each of our lives to make us ready to receive someone else whole heartedly. I know you don’t want to hear this, but a lot of internal work has to be done and self awareness definitely needs to be present. In such a big world, I certainly don’t think that there is just one person out there for us but knowing yourself and what you need to be happy certainly helps you find someone you can build a life with. It will also help you recognize similar characteristics in someone else, so that you aren’t investing your time with someone who will eventually show you signs of non commitment.

That said, here are my 2 cents.

When you look forward to your life, sharing it with someone who shares common goals, interests and beliefs, certainly helps ease your comfort with each other and creates the foundation for you to want to get to know each other. But after that, I think for most of us, it happens unexpectedly… Suddenly you are with someone, and it’s enjoyable. You’re not finding reasons to bicker and you’re also not struggling for power. Your goal genuinely becomes to make each other happy because that makes you happy. You certainly have disagreements, but you apologize even when you don’t know exactly what you’re apologizing for because at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. You just don’t want to be upset with one another. You understand that no one is perfect because you have come to your own realization that you, yourself are filled with tons of misconceptions and bad conditioning that occurred prior to meeting them that has absolutely nothing to do with him/her. So, instead, their imperfections become human and you develop compassion for them. You develop patience because you yourself knows that you are a working progress and thus, so is he/she.

And finally, your fear of being without this person, becomes stronger than your fear of commitment. You help each other grow your best parts and through osmosis you develop an understanding of those areas that need improvement. You develop a deep trust built on vulnerability and you truly inspire each other in the best ways. It’s not easy, but you are committed to making it work and there is nothing healthier, prosperous or more fulfilling than a good relationship with the one you love. xo

A quick look up on the internet will tell you ” it is a strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof ”

My biggest challenge with this definition is that it takes the power away from me or you from being able to influence our future. That just doesn’t sit well with me. Can we influence our fate? I would most certainly like to believe that we can.

While enjoying a delicious latte this morning, I read a wonderful Buddhist article on this exact topic that put into words what I had been thinking but could not quite articulate until now.

When our faith comes from wisdom, insight and understanding, it sets us on a path with fruitful results .

I guess I am not a believer in blind faith. I truly believe that in order to have any influence on our future, we must have a history of putting into certain practices, that which would align us with a certain goal or desire that we see for ourselves in the future. In other words, we have to do the work, be prepared and then pursue our goals. Quoting the definition of faith from my text this morning pretty much solidified that for me;” Faith is the confidence we receive when we put into practice a teaching that helps us overcome difficulties and obtain some transformation. How wonderful to know that we can affect our faith.

Preparing for a presentation is what we should do, attaching ourselves to the outcome is not. So, the goal would be, to prepare for the presentation and have faith that we did our best and be at peace with that.

This may be a difficult concept to absorb because coming short on something you have prepared for will understandably disappoint you but don’t let it derail you. When we are steadfastly focused on one goal, we tend to miss the opportunities around it. Sometimes, we focus on goals that someone else has set for us. Sometimes we haven’t really given much thought to what it is that will make us happy. Being open to the possibilities brings us closer to founding out what will truly make us happy.

We relinquish any attachment to the outcome because if we know we tried our best, we must learn that that is enough.

Ideally, if I can combine both of these definitions, I would say that having faith is being empowered that with proper and diligent practice, we have the ability to reflect change in our future and trust that God will guide us along the way.

Thinking back… I don’t know that I had enough nights where I just sat in bed and did absolutely nothing and felt no guilt or worry about it. I don’t recall having many weekends when I felt no pressure to be doing something else or to be somewhere other than where I was.

All irrational and insatiable goals that were destined to keep me in craving mode. Setting me up to climb a ladder to reach a goal but when you look closely, the ladder is built with no end. Therefore, the goal is unattainable. Why couldn’t I be ok with simply being.

Your mind has a wonderful way of allowing you to forget the scenario but not allowing you to forget the feeling. So, one moment you may be going about your daily life and suddenly this feeling will come over you and somehow you understand what it’s trying to tell you. It’s sort of a mental reflection of your younger self struggling with something and it is serving as an alert, that if you are not careful, you can quite easily fall back into an old habit.

For me, the lesson is to be ok in this moment. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with your husband. Be ok with not knowing it all and most importantly, receive these lessons that come your way because it is your own wise self trying to help you. xo

Photos above are from an older shoot with the beautiful and ridiculously photogenic, Lauren Prince.

My favorite people are the ones who have learned how to smile through the pain. But don’t let this discourage you if this isn’t you because you are supposed to see people like this as an inspiration. It is meant to create a solidarity between you and the person next to you because although your pain is different, it isn’t unique, for somewhere in this world, there is someone feeling exactly how you feel. And, how amazing would it be to be the one to show them that despite all of this pain, there is light, there is hope, there is a smile. A genuine smile that means what it says. We can get through this, one present moment at a time.

We are all connected and it is through our interconnection that we are able to learn and practice being better human begins.

“This isn’t me!” This is more like me thinking… ‘what would John like?’ “What was wrong with me during that time I dated John?”

Much of our life we spend trying to figure out who we are. We get lost in others, we want to blend, we want to feel validated.

I was sometimes afraid to be myself for fear of judgment.. But why? Why didn’t I feel good enough and why did the opinions of certain people affect me more than others.

Many times I would do things to please others. I would pretend I liked things I didn’t. Half the time I didn’t realize I was doing it. All those paths led me to feeling empty again.

This realization of what we need to be happy doesn’t show itself in an obvious way. I wish I could tell you that all you need to do is snap your fingers and decide that you are going to be true to yourself and miraculously all falls into place. It’s just not that easy. You will fall many times and at first getting back up is harder because you lose a little hope. Hope in yourself, hope in the process, but this is all a part of your personal transformation. You just don’t realize it at the time.

How do we get to a place of peace and acceptance of ourselves. The answer is easy but the process is not easy. Be present.

In this very moment, be thoughtful, be kind, be conscientious. Be an example for those around you and ask for nothing in return. Let your acts of kindness be your own reward. I love this line from the poem, The Loving One by W.H Auden. “If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me“. Send out what you would love to receive. Send without attachment.

As the beautiful song from the movie Frozen says, Let it go. Much of what we hold on to and analyze and review in our heads is unnecessary guilt and discomfort that we have already realized. Why in the world do you think you deserve to feel that all over again? Let it go friends.

Do some spiritual work. Having spiritual guidance and making it a habit of reading teachings to help keep you stay aligned and conscious of your actions is ridiculously important.

I remember when I was a young gal and I read out loud a spiritual quote from a book I was reading to my mom. She looked at me and said, “well, that’s just common sense”. Is it though? I understand now as an adult, that this was in fact a defensive statement. Parents don’t know everything but they want you to think they do. We then pass this mentality on to our kids and make them stubborn creatures. Thinking that you don’t need reminders, constant conditioning, moments that inspire you to continue on your path is foolish.

I remember reading a status update on Facebook one day from an acquaintance. It read something along the lines of, “If you need inspirational books or quotes, you are weak”. I really didn’t like reading that because I immediately personalized it but then when I went to his page, all of his statuses were negative and mean spirited and it all made sense. We need moments to lift us.

The seeds you feed within yourself blossom. So if you are feeding seeds of jealousy by engaging in that behavior, that seed will rule. If you perform acts of kindness, that seed within you will rule. Be conscious of what you feed yourself. Be sure to feed the most virtuous seeds.

Be patient with yourself and be ok with being alone. Understand that a lot of growth happens during these times of solitude. I certainly learn the most when it’s just me and my teachings or me in nature.

The beautiful thing that happens when you allow your true self to shine is that you begin to attract the same in others. xo

Your tiny heart does have the capacity to grow if you surround it with light and depth.

In Buddhist philosophy, it is said that a person who is able to provide a community or group of friends with unconditional friendship, love and understanding, is skilled in the Base of Capacity. How wonderful to be gifted with Capacity. We all struggle with life’s up’s and down’s and this isn’t something you achieve overnight. It is a practice, an understanding, a life mission to choose to be peaceful in times when it’s easier to join the chaos.

I was watching a show last night and one of the featured people talked about how he began to use drugs because he was unable to cope with his high stressed job. One day while he was working, he had a panic attack in front of his peers. He went to see a doctor, who explained that his body could not tolerate the drugs he was taking and the panic attack was his warning.

After seeing many doctors and therapists, he said the best advice came from a Buddhist teacher who asked him an important question: Is all this panic and stress going to improve or change the situation you’re stressing about? He said when he thought about it, something clicked.

How much of our time is wasted on stressing and worrying about things that we cannot change?

In addition, to help discourage the panic attacks, the Buddhist teacher suggested meditation. If you are not familiar with meditation, it is the act of basically doing nothing. Many people confuse it with the act of controlling a situation but it is actually the opposite. You release all thoughts from your mind. You in essence give your mind a break from all the chaos that you take in. It allows your mind a chance to refresh. You breathe and you watch your breathe and this encourages relaxation.

As a result, the man explained that understanding that his behavior was irrational and adding the practice of meditation, has made him a more patient person, a kinder person and a better husband and father. Please keep in mind, there is no need to become a Buddhist to adapt this practice.

I haven’t read a fashion magazine in a long time since I increased my spirituality. Mostly because I grew frustrated with the failed promises that having the newest lip gloss would change my life or make me cooler. I’ve spent so much money trying to improve my outsides by superficial means, when the answer has always been to challenge these irrational thoughts.

Why does it terrify me to speak in front of crowds? Why don’t I ever feel good enough? Why is no accomplishment enough? , etc..

While a new haircut, a new dress or a new home can really bring us joy, if it’s just a band aid to cover up a bigger issue, you will be always be chasing the next high and that’s how these fashion magazines cash in.

Understanding why we do certain things can be very powerful because we can then look it straight in the eye, acknowledge it and either accept it or work on it. Having a healthy mind is so powerful because like the man I mentioned earlier, it can make you more peaceful, more kind and just a better person overall. Most of us go through life allowing circumstances to predict our course. Why not grab a hold of your life and make it have purpose!! I certainly don’t see the downfall. xo

Children can teach us so many things… They show us how to still be amazed. They show us wonder, surprise and excitement.

They remind us that beauty is found in the simplest things; a bird, a rock, a puddle, a blue sky.

They remind us how to be content and to not always searching for the next best thing. Sometimes, a pretty flower is just the right amount of joy.

One of the most important qualities to have is patience. We are not all learning at the same capacity and sometimes some of us need a little more patience than others. Children remind us of that.

Children are oddly braver than we are. It makes us squirm to see a child carelessly cross a rocky creek but deep down we know that we want our children to live their best lives and being fearless is an important part of that. Many of us have forgotten what it’s like to be fearless, to feel unstoppable. Children remind us of that.

Children are accepting. They teach us kindness, encouragement, unconditional love. All very important things that we forget as adults.

Then all of a sudden, children seem to know more than we do. They have their own preferences, their own opinions and a sense of pride. Somewhere along the way, as adults, we forget to be our powerful selves, we are afraid to be proud, we stifle our opinions.

So, next time you feel a little lost, spend some time with children. Admire their curiosity, appreciate their fearlessness, don’t try to tame their excitement. Then, relax….and try to be more like them. xo

Always remember who you are and where you are, are different things. You are not stuck, it’s simply time for a detour.

During our time as little people on this earth, very often, we see a glimpse of who we want to be in other people. I can think back and see snippets, quick flashes of images I memorized in my head of woman I admired and who I aspired to be. Sometimes these woman were just illusions of what I thought it was to be an important adult and sometimes these woman were symbols of freedom and self expression. Sometimes these woman were symbols of strength, discipline and success.

If you think back to when you were a little child, I’m sure you can imagine what I am referring to. I recall many times thinking while traveling on the subway in my teens on route to my internship at Time Warner how beautiful and successful some of the woman looked. It was the peak of the 80’s power suit. I was in awe of how focused they were and how strong they looked in their carefully coordinated outfits and how beautifully their makeup was applied. I would always think to myself, will I ever get there. Is that even palpable? Then one day 10 years later, while working at a Hedge Fund in NY, it hit me, that I was that woman but I now had other aspirations… and thus, that is how life is.

Many times we reach points in our life that we have aspired to and don’t give ourselves the proper credit or pat on the back. We don’t consciously acknowledge that we worked towards something and we earned it and so this is a moment to be proud of. Despite the fact that we will have many aspirations in life, and some may seem nonessential to us as we become wiser in life, it is still important to acknowledge these accomplishments.

Recognizing that we have grown and that we have completed something we set out to do strengthens our self worth. Continuously setting new aspirations, will continue to polish us, to hone our wisdom and hopefully make us better humans. And the world could always use better humans. xo

I would never want to be a celebrity because although most actors crave attention, it’s the attention of convenience that is really what they seek. Unfortunately, that’s just not how being popular works. Once you open the door to acclaim, you also open the door to critical acclaim but I don’t think anyone can be prepared to face the ruthless and uncensored criticism of faceless critics.

How can you be offended by someone you don’t know? How can someone who has values, ethics and morals that are not in alignment with yours, make you feel less than a human? Yet, it happens.

Seeking popularity is nothing more than feeding that little child inside us that seeks approval or validation. It’s quite sad but once you understand this, it’s an opportunity to be compassionate to yourself and to understand one another better.

I would rather have 50 solid followers than a 1,000 followers who really aren’t inspired by my work.

Have you noticed that people who have a healthy sense of self worth seldom criticize others. It seems to me that those who have wise and rational well thought out points rarely comment or speak out negatively because they are content in their truth and as a result do not feel the need to defend a point or criticize others.

If you practice the principle of being what you seek, you understand that your vibe attracts your tribe, as they say. Once you are true to yourself, instead of trying to please the false sense of who you are, you will attract people who share your values and life becomes more harmonious. Who is the real you?

It’s interesting, because when I was younger I thought those who didn’t fight back were weak and now I understand how strong taking the high road really is. When you engage in any kind of hurtful battle, no one wins and you enable and continue the behavior. In addition, that negativity stays with you and if you continue with this behavior, you eventually become desensitized to it.

It’s quite sad because from my own observations, those who criticize and engage in hurtful words or behavior are really quite lost inside. I imagine it to be like a maze, you enter into a certain behavior and when you look back, there is no clear path on how you got to this point or how you can go back. You forget what it’s like to be anything other than the person you are and the idea of change is incredibly overwhelming. So you stick to your destructive behavior.

As an artist, I understand that craving for attention. It’s almost if not entirely a form of narcissism since an artist is obsessed with sharing their point of view because they feel it can transform or inspire you.

But after listening to a recent Buddhist lecture titled “Putting meaning into your life” by Ajahn Brahm, I feel a little better about this whole idea. If the intention of what you share is because you care and it actually helps someone, then you have succeeded at compassion even if it’s one human at a time. So, even if I have inspired one person in my lifetime and it’s helped them in some way, I am comfortable with that. So yes, I am an artist and I quite possibly may be a narcissist. xo