How much money do you need to feel poor?

You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna go down to the Humane Society an’ juggle kittens….attached to chain saws?

I heard this stupid, dumb, idiot story on here the other day….’bout a study they done – they talked to rich people. An’ they asked rich people….how much money do you need to have to feel wealthy? The answer turns out to be – five million bucks. You got a million bucks – you don’t feel wealthy. Two million, three million, four million….nope – ain’t gonna do the trick. You need five million dollars to feel rich.

Well – I ain’t got five million. I ain’t got a million bucks. Hell – I ain’t got money for gas until Friday. So I figgered as a public service…I would talk to regular Americans. People like you an’ me…. An’ I would find out how much money do you need to NOT have – to feel… poor.

Dub Meeker says one time they was still three days from payday….an’ all they had left in the kitchen was a half-carton a’ eggs, a slice of cheese, a’ can a’ tomato soup….an’ half a bag a’ egg noodles. But he says – his ol’ lady Carleen cooked up a feast. It was a feast for poor people. He said it was delicious….but he felt poor eatin’ it. He says, ‘Earl – tomato soup, egg noodle spaghetti…that’s poor.’

Runt Wilson says….one time he was laid off at Christmas. An’ him an’ his ol’ lady couldn’t afford no presents for their kids. So along about midnight Christmas Eve, ol’ Runt pulls out his shotgun…an’ proceeds to put holes through their front door. Kids wake up screamin’ to beat the band. An’ Runt tells’em, he says…’Kids, I made a awful mistake. Sanny Claws was comin’ in here….an’ I thought he was a burglar. He probably won’t come back now….’ He says, ‘Earl – you got to break your kids’ hearts by stagin’ a fake crime scene – That’s poor’.

I go, ‘Yeah – that’s poor. But I got you both beat. I remember one time when me an’ my ol’ lady first got hitched. I needed new brakes for my truck….but didn’t have the money for new brake shoes. So I drove my truck for three weeks with a cinder block an’ a rope. I tied that rope to the truck….an’ held the cinder block in the truck. Every time I came to a light….I’d throw the block out the winder. I go – I didn’t have no brakes….so for three weeks – I had to drive with an anchor.

Wake up, America. Consider this – very few people in the world know what it’s like to feel wealthy. An’ all the rest of us know what it’s like to feel poor. So don’t sweat it – you’re in good company. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.