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Author: turtlingblog

I was holding on so tightly to my job and my ex, that I didn’t realize I was strangling myself. I believed that at my age, there was no possibility of finding a better job than the one I had.

I don’t know what the future brings, but I know I made the right move. Quitting the job and the relationship has placed me in a new scenario. Even though its unknown and scary, its also new and challenging.

Since the detachment I’ve had much more good moments than bad ones. I was so afraid to be where I am, and suddenly I’m here. Still breathing and making my way through the other side.

As of today, I will change the word “unemployed” to “currently on vacation”. I am done with the guilt of not being productive. I will find a job or start an entrepreneur project soon, but first, I will give myself the gift of a well-deserved vacation.

My best friend has been up to date with everything that has been going on. She told her friend about it, the friend told her husband about it and suddenly on Monday I am sitting at a Starbucks with a renown CEO. The interview went well and I’ll be probably flying to Austin for a second interview.

Even though I was thankful for the endorsement and happy with the interview, I felt sad and empty. I slept all afternoon and skipped my yoga class.

On Tuesday, I felt the same. I missed my job and the employees. Having so much time for myself drives me bonkers. I have been cleaning my house so many times this week, that there’s nothing else to clean. Fortunately I had lunch with a friend and afterwards I went to play a paddle tennis match, which I lost.

When I was done, the Pro Shop clerk told me that my boyfriend —who is no longer my boyfriend— had been there earlier, buying some grips. He asked him if I was currently playing in the club…

The news punched me straight in the stomach. The club is my space. He buys grips in other sports stores. The intrusion made me angry and the stalking made me scared.

I left the club around 10:30 pm. I made a pit stop at the 7-Eleven for some milk and when I returned to my car, The Burning Man was parked right beside me. I wanted to disappear. He said hi. I said hello and got into my car. I started the engine and drove. He followed me home. I went for my dog and as soon as they saw each other, this big feast began between them. I felt happy because they love each other so much, but this wasn’t the right timing, we were over. I saw his sad eyes and felt the sweetness in his words. I wanted to hold him so much, but I kept my distance and my position.

Once he asked why did I leave that way, I told him the bold truth: I am tired of your marital status, if I were a priority in your life, you would’ve been divorced by now. But instead, your wife takes a nice vacation in Banana Town with extra money she doesn’t deserve, while I haven’t had a vacation in two years. I am sick of working my ass off to earn less than your free rider wife does. “When is she going to work for Christ’s sake? It’s been seven years since you left her. Are we supposed to support her until she dies?”

I am also sick of your anger, your screaming, your monologues and your humilliations. I am sick of your ingratitude and your negativity. You don’t see me, you don’t hear me, everything is always about you.

I asked for a raise, because I deserve one. I have made you richer by obstructing employee cash theft, by decreasing costs, by bringing clients and by pushing you to a money savings lifestyle. You didn’t agree with the raise, you offered me to leave the company and find another job so I could earn more money while you would still pay my salary. What am I? You’re hooker?

He found the right answer for all the facts. Blaming me for each one. Turning things around like he usually does. He didn’t scream though, he was calm and working a constructive negotiation. He asked me to dinner or lunch during the week so we could talk, I said no. I don’t believe in his words, I believe in actions. It’s been two years and we’re still having the same discussions with no results.

I told him we could be friends in the future. I thanked him for all the nice things he did for me and apologized for leaving the job without previous notice. Before he left, he said he was about to lose a lot of money beacuse no one was taking care of my client accounts. I was expecting the guilt card, and there it was. I said I would go and solve the problem —which I would love to do because I love my work— but I was lying, I just wanted him to leave. He asked if I could unblock him from my phone. I said yes, but I was also lying. I needed to protect myself and no contact means no contact, even though it breaks my heart.

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always wanted to live near the ocean. It took many years to fulfill that dream.

I remember I was sitting at my door steps. I had just closed my restaurant, just divorced, had no kids, no job and didn’t own a house. Then it it hit me, there was no reason to hold back my dream, I could finally move to a place near the ocean.

I chose Banana Town because it has the most beautiful sea of my country. Even though I’ve never lived by the ocean, I felt like a turtle when she returns back to the shores where she was born.

At first, I used to go to the ocean on a weekly basis. I enjoyed snorkelling, paddle boarding and kayaking. Scuba diving scared me, but it also seduced me. I followed my fear and completed my PADI course. Since then, the ocean has become my sacred place.

During my relationship with The Burning Man, I forgot about the sea. I forgot about my dream and I forgot about myself.

This past weekend I went scuba diving. I was a little scared but the happiness and the peace of my holy place was bigger. I had forgotten the basic steps but a good friend came along.

Once I was in the water, I felt at home. There was no fear, no uncertainty, no sadness and no vulnerability. I listened to the soothing sound of my breathing and felt the joy of the under world.

For the first time in my life, I saw a Seahorse. Its curled monkey tail grasped to a branch of Sea Rod. He was by himself. I had read that they’re always in couples and practice monogamy. Not true. Or maybe, as my friend said, the lady Seahorse had gone out to do some grocery shopping.

Sadly, the time ran up very quickly and we had to emerge back to the surface. During our safety stop I laid horizontally facing the sky. I remained still and saw the waves from underneath. Suddenly, the sun made it through the ocean and blinded my eyes with its light for a few seconds. It was God. He was smiling at me.

I will write as many posts as I need until I heal. I thought leaving The Burning Man and quitting my job were going to be my huge step towards the other side of the river. They weren’t. I still have to keep on crossing this unknown and fragile bridge on my own.

Four days have gone by and I haven’t felt like crying. Today I did.

Being a workaholic and quitting my job from one day to the next has left me with a lot of free time, and I am having trouble with that. My head keeps overthinking all the things that have happened and when it does, I lose my balance, I feel the fear, the sadness, the loneliness and the uncertainty of the future.

I was living in hell, I should feel safe and happy by now. How come I feel so vulnerable?

I woke up early, The Clown beside me. I didn’t give it too much thought, I was determined to do it.

I didn’t shower, I grabbed a top and got into my jeans and flip flops. My dog came with me to support and witness the closure. Together we drove to the office before everyone else arrived.

I gathered my things, printed the updated account status of the money I used to manage on a weekly basis and left to the safety box I accessed every week.

Once I got to the security box, I left the updated account status of the money in the safety box, as well as a post-it note attached to a copy of my credit card account status. The post-it note was short: “I took the money you owe me for the gifts I bought for last december’s company party, as well as the plane ticket for one of your mechanics and my July cell phone bill.”

We drove back to the office and parked outside while I placed the security box key in an envelope, as well as the office keys, the electric garage control and the keys to his house.

In another envelope, I placed the money I weekly send to his wife. The previous day I tried to wire it twice with no luck. The daughter advised that since her Mom was in Banana Town I should hand the money back to her Dad. I left a message on the envelope: “I couldn’t wire your wife’s money yesterday. Your daughter told me to hand it back to you so you can personally hand it to her”.

Once I was finished sealing the envelopes, I called one of my coworkers so he could come out for them. I told him I was in a hurry to see a client (which was a lie) and that The Burning Man needed the envelopes.

I left as quick as I could and once I was far away, I parked and blocked The Burning Man from my phone.

It was unbelievable easy. I was strong and felt happy about leaving him.

Later on I went to my therapist and we both celebrated my graduation on completing my task: leaving The Burning Man.

I had lunch with my girlfriend and was overwhelmed with her love and support.

At night I drove to the Paddle Tennis Club to play a new tournament. I lost 4-6, 2-6 on the mixed doubles and won the women’s match 6-1, 6-2 with my loving new partner from Argentina.

Throughout the day I received comforting calls and messages from my tribe. Friends and family that care for me and have always been there through the tough times. I felt so lucky, so blessed and so thankful.

Today has been a terrible day. My no sex policy has The Burning Man in a furious mode.

I went to work as I usually do. I needed him for decision making. I called seven times, he never took my call. I messaged and he didn’t message back. The silent treatment is on.

The wife is still in Banana Town, at her best friend’s house. They say you shouldn’t jump into conclusions, but I know he needs narc supply and he knows where to get it.

So what know? Obviously I haven’t found a job. I wanted to work for him until I had a new job but things have not turned out like I wanted.

The passive aggresiveness has been much more than I can take. For the last weeks I felt strong and able to play along with my plans, today I feel weak and terrified. My legs are shivering, my hands are sweating ice cold and the fear is growing in my tummy as I write. I am all alone and no one is going to come over and save me, I have to do it by myself.

This will be a long text. I won’t stop writing until I make it through this horrible sensation and understand the blessing that’s been handed to me in disguise.

I don’t love the man. He doesn’t care about me and he never will. He’ll never feel gratitude for all the beautiful things I’ve brought to his life and to his company. Today I give up.

I am giving up on his anger, on his humiliations, on his gaslighting, on his yelling and his sick soul. I am giving up on his lies and on his cheating. I am giving up on his monologues and his tendency to depreciate my value. I am giving up on his disrespect and the power he had over me.

Today I can stop lying. Today I don’t need to make up excuses to avoid him. Today I can block his phone number and never return to his office. My life is at risk and no money is worth the emotional abuse I’ve been dealing for so long.

I thank the Lord I never moved in with him. I have my own home and I am safe. I will heal.

My biggest fear is being jobless, but ready or not, I am facing that fear. God is on my side and I will work hard to blossom again. I know he’ll do the rest.

Thank you for this terrible day. Thank you because it’s the end of an agonizing experience and the entrance door to a new beginning.

I need more individual space with every passing day. I am getting used to the joy of having him far away from me.

I’ve recovered my laughter. I feel good around my loving friends and also when I’m by myself. I am excited about the progress I see in every paddle tennis match I play.

During these hard times, I have developed much more empathy towards people that are going through tough times. It seems that even though I’m not where I want to be, I am making the best out of it.

Today I left the office early. I had a match to play. I lost but I won in so many ways. I won because I didn’t feel guilty to leave work undone. I won because I enjoyed myself and my new partner, a funny woman from Argentina.

The Burning Man asked if he could borrow my dog. I said yes and he thought that would mean I would sleepover at his place. Wrong. I finished my matches and drove straight home, savouring a cold shower and a healthy dinner. He asked at what time I would get there, I told him I wouldn’t go. This time I used a new creative excuse, too much play and the high temperature had given me a heat exhaustion. He blackmailed me, but I didn’t engage.

He mentioned his wife had just arrived to Banana Town. I knew something was up when he wired her extra money today. Imagine how I feel when she earns what I earn without doing any work at all. A free-rider shop-addict with paid vacations. And then there’s me, a working woman that works her ass off everyday while The Greedy Burning Man won’t even give her a raise.

Very soon I will have a new job or an entrepreneur project going on. I am going to be delighted to dump him and quit the job with no anticipation at all. Until then, I’ll work less, increase my savings and have more time to enjoy all the wonderful things that life is throwing at me.

Someone once told me that turtles have three gifts: patience, wisdom and the ability to find their way back home, no matter how lost or far they are.

I still remember the job interview I had last april. I asked for what I wanted to get paid and the employer said yes. Three hundred dollars more than I actually make and attractive commissions.

I talked to The Burning Man about the offer and told him that I wanted to stay in his company. He said he would also like me to stay.

I stayed and didn’t ask for a raise, I thought since we were a couple building something together for our future, he would offer it himself. He never did.

During the first days of July I asked him for a raise. He said he’d think about it. A week went by and I asked him again. We were in his car, ready for a forty five minute drive to get back to the office. He said he had too many telephone calls to make, that we could talk about it at another time. Two weeks went by and he didn’t talk about the subject.

When I asked again, he finally said it. “The company is in no conditions to increase your salary. If you want to find a job that pays more than I do, feel free to go. I can support you monthly with the same amount you earn with me and you can find another job to increase your income. What I understood about his offer was: “leave the job and I’ll pay you to stay in the relationship so I can fuck you whenever I feel like it.”

The offer didn’t convince me. He can pay much more than what I make, I know that because I am the administrator and know the numbers like the palm of my hand.

I don’t want to brag about it but I am a really good at what I do. I am a great asset for the company and I’m worth the raise.

He doesn’t see it that way. He is a close-fisted miserable man. As a partner and as an employer.

I am counting the days to leave the job, even though I truly LOVE what I do. In the meanwhile my savings account and my individual activities keep on growing.

I lost the finals. I didn’t play well and our opponents are really good players. I am scheduling paddle lessons once a week. I want to improve my game for the next tournament.

The Burning Man finally expressed how mad he is. He doesn’t approve of my individual activities and is very disappointed on how I’ve been avoiding sex. The performance included gaslighting, flying monkeys, belittlement, lack of empathy and guilt trips. He tried triggering targets that hurt me but I didn’t react to the wounds. I stared at him during his long lasting monologue and witnessed how sick he is.