so confused

well i started cutting agian this past month and have been really down and thinking about suicide a lot. i think about it all the time. I don't really know whats wrong theres nothing massive that has happened to make me feel sad and depressed. I'm just tired of being alive tired of school and family and church and pretending to be something i'm not i just don't wanna deal with it anymore. I keep getting these urges just to take a bunch of pills and be done with it but i don't think thats what i wanna do and i can't talk to anyone about it cause everyone thinks i'm doing really good and i don't want to disappoint them. Plus i'm not good at talking to people. And most of the people i talk to would just tell me its selfish and that i shouldn't even be thinking about it and just make me feel like crap for even having thoughts of suicide. i really am just depressed and confused about what i want i guess. i have a bunch of pills in my room now that i could take at any time but i don't even know if they would kill me.

flush the pills and throw away the cutting tools
its not easy. part of you wants to keep it so it's still there to use
I read your post and felt like it could have come from me. cutting, suicidal thoughts and no -huge- reason for me to have these feelings. but I do.
but Im hanging on. I dont know to what tho. someone replied to one of my posts that there must be some sliver of hope Im clinging to. they are probably right.
one important point is:
our feelings do not have to be justified. we have every right to feel however we feel. it doesnt matter what other people say or think. it doesnt matter how good or bad we have it. it's not the problems so much as it is how hard we take it. some people lose someone and it ruins their week. for others, it changes their whole life.
I have found the most helpful people on here. I came on here at my lowest. I may still be at my lowest point but I am still here nonetheless. communication has been the absolute best thing for me. even if you cant talk to anyone in your life, at least you have people who feel the same. at least for now. hopefully you can move up and start talking to people in your life. or at least someone else who can provide more relief and give you a step up so you can keep moving. I am here to help and so are lots of people.
there are people who understand. take care. *hug*

I agree with WeepingWillow on this one. Throw away the pills and whatever you use to cut if you can. Remove the temptation. That doesn't mean the urges or thoughts will go away - but at least it means they're a bit harder to follow through on.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad at the moment I understand what you mean when you say there is no big reason for you to be depressed. That happens to a lot of people, I think.
While I get how you don't want to talk to anyone about this, you could at least tell them that you're not feeling too great at the moment. Sometimes I think it makes it worse to keep everything inside. Even if you don't tell them much, just telling them you're struggling a bit might mean they don't push you as hard to do lots of things all the time. And now you've got us to talk to whenever you need to
So. Please, please throw the pills out...or at the very least put them somewhere you can't easily get to them!
Take care, I hope it works out for you, and if you want to talk in private feel free to PM me,

Hello. I hear you talking about pretending to be somthing your not. Do you feel like there is some kind of pressure on you to be somthing in particular? I'm not trying to suggest this is easy for you. My family have always been fairly non-commital about what they expect of me.

i have a lot of pressure from my grandparents to do good in school and to always go to chruch. Sometimes i don't want to go to church but if i don't then my grandma get upset with me so i go. mostly though its just i am having to pretend that everythings ok with me when its not but if i let everyone know its not ok then everyone is gunna want me to talk about it and be all over me so i'm just pretending to be ok because thats just easier and it makes them happy i don't know if this made any sense at all

It does make sense. Probably doing well in school will be a benefit to you to a certain extent. Once you finish school it will be up to you if you want to take the whole education thing any further. As for going to church, I think you need to talk to your grandmar and make it clear that its your choice at the end of the day. If feeling under pressure to do somthing is making you miserable you need to change that situation. I don't think your grandma would like it if she thought she was making you feel this bad.