Post by baza on Feb 4, 2018 21:31:04 GMT -5

Well Sister soundingoff , are you, at this point, prepared to go "all in" and put the marriage on the line ?

(There is no correct answer to this - only yours)

If you ARE prepared to go "all in" you are extremely likely to bring this to resolution.But that resolution may well be parting company.

Equally, if you put a big bomb under his arse, eyeballed him and said (in your own words) "you will make a full on attempt at addressing your problem or I am out of here" the outcome might be to give him cause to review his lethargic position.

But - it is imperative that you do NOT try this suggestion as a bluff.

Which returns us to the question - "are you, at this point, prepared to go "all in" and put the marriage on the line ?"And again, there is no "right" answer to this.Just yours.

Post by greatcoastal on Feb 5, 2018 14:00:05 GMT -5

Thanks for the link, greatcoastal. But actually, I don't ever think I've been love bombed. It's quite the opposite. I am attracted to men who give me NOTHING, and then I work, work, work to prove my worth.

[How do I tag people in posts?]

Here's a quote from Dr Tara Palmatier : "Just remember no matter how hot a woman or man is right now, time and gravity affect us all. When things sag, wrinkle, expand, shrink, grey, or just fall off, is this person someone you trust ? Someone you want to talk to? Someone you can laugh with? Someone you can enjoy companionable silences with? Someone who carries their weight? (Someone you can share your intimate, and sexual desires with and expect them to be carried out?- I added this.) If not, then you are choosing flash over substance, and flash almost always takes your cash ( and kids who they use for cash).

Post by bj on Feb 5, 2018 21:36:16 GMT -5

Hi all,

Well here I am. I am sure I am not the 1st nor the last to state the obvious, but I never thought I would end up here. Married 10 years...2 beautiful and amazing kids and a wife who has more excuses not to have sex than I have reasons...at least lately. Of course, it started out much differently. She was the aggressor throughout the dating phase and well into the marriage until baby #2 arrived. After that it has been months of nothing followed by a night of mutual pleasure, always at my pushing, followed by another drought!

Post by njsojourner on Feb 5, 2018 23:39:56 GMT -5

Well here I am. I am sure I am not the 1st nor the last to state the obvious, but I never thought I would end up here. Married 10 years...2 beautiful and amazing kids and a wife who has more excuses not to have sex than I have reasons...at least lately. Of course, it started out much differently. She was the aggressor throughout the dating phase and well into the marriage until baby #2 arrived. After that it has been months of nothing followed by a night of mutual pleasure, always at my pushing, followed by another drought!

Post by njsojourner on Feb 5, 2018 23:55:17 GMT -5

Welcome to the club! My own experience was that the sexless marriage really took shape after about 30 years... we are now at 40. I have stuck the last 10 years out trying to be kind, caring Andy understanding. We are very compatible in every other way so I stuck it out. We now have wonderful grandchildren too! We all make our choices and have to live with them. Can I life without sex forever? No! That’s why I decided to outsource. It’s not perfect, it’s not something I am proud of, it’s not something I ever in 40 years of marriage thought I’d consider doing. It may eventually explode on me too. But, what the hell—you only live once. Whatever path you follow be prepared to accept the consequences whatever they may be. Maybe you will divorce, maybe you will outsource, maybe you will suck it up and just cope. What’s right for you may not be what’s right for someone else. All I can say is I have outsourced and for the first time in a long time I feel alive and had a rockin good time. I am enjoying while it lasts. I remember and old poster from high school that said... “life is a daring adventure or nothing.” I remember the first time I kissed my future wife, the first time we were intimate, the joy I had when we made babies. I gave her all I could...financially, emotionally, etc. and here I am. I am no longer angry at her. But I am no longer passively accepting it. Onward for me and I hope you find your path forward whatever it may be.

Post by baza on Feb 6, 2018 1:20:44 GMT -5

Well here I am. I am sure I am not the 1st nor the last to state the obvious, but I never thought I would end up here. Married 10 years...2 beautiful and amazing kids and a wife who has more excuses not to have sex than I have reasons...at least lately. Of course, it started out much differently. She was the aggressor throughout the dating phase and well into the marriage until baby #2 arrived. After that it has been months of nothing followed by a night of mutual pleasure, always at my pushing, followed by another drought!

Now the bad news.It is only going to be resolvable if you are prepared to put the marriage on the line. To end it, if necessary.If you are prepared to put it on the line, the resolution to the problem will happen in one of two ways.#1 - in a scenario where your spouse is made aware that the marriage is under credible threat, she might possibly elect to try and do something about her aversion to sex with you. And, she would either succeed in this mission, or fail. If she succeeds, then that resolves the situation.#2 - if she fails (as in the above situation) then you leave the situation, and that brings the situation to resolution.

I am figuring that at this point, you are NOT in a mindset of being prepared to put the marriage on the line (and that is a perfectly legitimate position to take)I figure that you are looking for a strategy that does not involve putting the marriage on the line.If that's so then I got nuthin' for you.

I haven't seen a situation in this group where it was brought to resolution without the unhappy spouse being prepared to put the marriage on the line.

And a heads up, the method of resolution is rarely - that's RARELY - the refusing spouse coming to the party. The refusing party is invariably incapable of making the big changes necessary - or - unwilling to make the necessary big changes.

Key question for today is - are you prepared to put the marriage on the line ?

Post by sleepless on Feb 11, 2018 2:22:48 GMT -5

20 yr anniversary coming this April. 16 yr in SM, started as soon as our son was born. Our daughter was practically an immaculate conception. We had sex twice the week she was conceived with 2 years without both before and after that week.

I'm telling my wife that I want a divorce next week. If possible, I'm hoping to stay "officially" married till the kids finish high school. I doubt the emotion-palooza that will erupt next week will go a smoothly as I hope.

Post by baza on Feb 11, 2018 2:37:38 GMT -5

If you are going to tell your missus you want a divorce, it is imperative that you have these things (below) in place.

Legal advice appropriate for your jurisdiction so you know how a divorce will shake out for you.An exit strategy in do-able shape and ready to enact.Your support network all shored up and ready to supply you with support through the process.Every bit of info you can get relative to helping your kids transition through such an event.

If you haven't got these things, then it might be smart to shelve the idea for the moment until you have got the above in place.The demand for a divorce is serious shit.You need to be fully prepped to follow through with any such threat you make.

It is so very easy in these circumstances to say things you don't mean and that tends to shred your cred.Say nothing that you are not prepared to actually do.

Post by sleepless on Feb 11, 2018 3:19:28 GMT -5

If you haven't got these things, then it might be smart to shelve the idea for the moment until you have got the above in place.The demand for a divorce is serious shit.You need to be fully prepared to follow through with any such threat you make.

Yeah, I've done none of this, but it's a happy excuse for me to forestall the nuclear bomb I'm about to drop on my family. It would be nice to be able to stall the filing, but I don't think my spouse will be as dispassionate about this as I am. My complete apathy for the situation is likely causing me to paint an unrealistic expectation on how things will proceed.

Your support network all shored up and ready to supply you with support through the process.

I'm a socially awkward introvert, so yeah, there is no support network. My parents and siblings will skin me alive. Divorce is taboo in my family and will not be accepted. My father may accept it on some terms, but his health is very poor, and the last thing I want to do is dump this crap on him to fish for reassurances.

Every bit of info you can get relative to helping your kids transition through such an event.

Not sure where to even begin there. If my wife doesn't take the deal and books out with the kids, there is very little I could do shape their opinion of me. I kinda waited as long as I could to try to have a solid adult-ish relationship with them.

My intention to tell my wife now instead of in 5 years is really out of a sense of respect for her. I had hopped to give her time to get a job find a house and do all that. I see myself as her roommate so the plan seemed fine from my perspective, but I'm not sure she will agree. I suppose there is a part of me that hopes she sees the light and changes her ways, but I suspect there is really no coming back from the divorce conversation.

Post by baza on Feb 11, 2018 3:37:54 GMT -5

If you haven't got these things, then it might be smart to shelve the idea for the moment until you have got the above in place.The demand for a divorce is serious shit.You need to be fully prepared to follow through with any such threat you make.

Yeah, I've done none of this, but it's a happy excuse for me to forestall the nuclear bomb I'm about to drop on my family. It would be nice to be able to stall the filing, but I don't think my spouse will be as dispassionate about this as I am. My complete apathy for the situation is likely causing me to paint an unrealistic expectation on how things will proceed.

Your support network all shored up and ready to supply you with support through the process.

I'm a socially awkward introvert, so yeah, there is no support network. My parents and siblings will skin me alive. Divorce is taboo in my family and will not be accepted. My father may accept it on some terms, but his health is very poor, and the last thing I want to do is dump this crap on him to fish for reassurances.

Every bit of info you can get relative to helping your kids transition through such an event.

Not sure where to even begin there. If my wife doesn't take the deal and books out with the kids, there is very little I could do shape their opinion of me. I kinda waited as long as I could to try to have a solid adult-ish relationship with them.

My intention to tell my wife now instead of in 5 years is really out of a sense of respect for her. I had hopped to give her time to get a job find a house and do all that. I see myself as her roommate so the plan seemed fine from my perspective, but I'm not sure she will agree. I suppose there is a part of me that hopes she sees the light and changes her ways, but I suspect there is really no coming back from the divorce conversation.

It is entirely your choice what you do or do not do Brother sleepless .Suggestions here are given in good faith, borne of personal experiences and the evidence in total within the combined knowledge of the group of how these common situations play out.You are not obligated to take any of it on board.

Post by DryCreek on Feb 11, 2018 9:16:54 GMT -5

sleepless, divorce is a legal action with its own set of rules and consequences. You best heed baza's advice and talk to an attorney first to understand the rules in your jurisdiction - if you don't, it's like betting your future on one roulette number; the odds are greatly against you.

In many jurisdictions, an initial meeting is offered for free. The finer points of divorce are not what you might believe based on second-hand info. Details like "if you cross 20 years, you owe alimony for life" are rather important to know.

Post by lwoetin on Feb 11, 2018 14:53:09 GMT -5

20 yr anniversary coming this April. 16 yr in SM, started as soon as our son was born. Our daughter was practically an immaculate conception. We had sex twice the week she was conceived with 2 years without both before and after that week.

I'm telling my wife that I want a divorce next week. If possible, I'm hoping to stay "officially" married till the kids finish high school. I doubt the emotion-palooza that will erupt next week will go a smoothly as I hope.

Pray for me.

sorry to hear this just ahead of your 20yr anniversary. You mention only about sex but often marriage problems are more than that. Feel free to write a thread of your own. I can pray for you. (Also, the immaculate conception is a Catholic doctrine about Mary, not Jesus, and nothing to do about lack of sex but the lack of sin. The Pope wants you to screw your brains out and have babies in marriage. Just keep the lurid details to yourself.)

Post by sleepless on Feb 11, 2018 15:04:46 GMT -5

the immaculate conception is a Catholic doctrine about Mary, not Jesus, and nothing to do about lack of sex but the lack of sin. The Pope wants you to screw your brains out and have babies in marriage.

Yeah, just trying to reference a sexless (or near sexless) conception. Got kicked out of the Catholic church over convalidation, I'll be able to go back after divorce though (sad irony).

frednsa: i saw something on the wedding night (in the 60's) should have ended it during the honeymoon. i was played so perfectly. she is so wonderful in almost every other way, so...still wondering...thinking frigidity is a real thing and untreatableAug 29, 2019 12:07:04 GMT -5