I am devastated. My only solace is that she is with the LORD now. But I am really upset with my siblings as they did not take turns by her bedside - even though it was so clear that she was in her last days. They were not there as they went to do an errand - only one could have left my mom's side - but they all left - left her alone and several hours later she passed on.

What is hard for me is that I had sent an email out to my siblings as there are issues between siblings and they prefer not to see each other. I sent out an email to ask for schedules for mom's care (mind you, I am out of the country and was doing this via email and video conferencing) - so MOM would always have love near her as she progressed in her decline. And two of my siblings were very angry with me for asking them about time with mom. Now I realize - they didn't want to stay by her bedside. They did not want to be there when she took her last breath.

I feel guilty I was not there by her side. But I could not do so...

Oh, Mom, I will miss you dearly... and look forward to seeing you one day in heaven.

40 Comments

I think its awful thea your siblings wete not there.. forgiveness is a process. Pain makes us search for knowledge. Knowledge helps us forgive...and there is God... im so sorry for your loss. I sceard of loss.. god bless u, ur mom, and family.

My heart goes out to you and I get it with siblings- you are the one that remained committed to her throughout. We can only be responsible for us and grateful the Lord gave you what you needed to at the time, and now she is whole. I think you are amazing and strong. Now you have so much to remind you of this and your beloved Mother that is no doubt so proud :)

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I lost my mom one month ago, and the grieving is terrible.

I want to say something about her being alone. I have read countless stories of people who were dying who have waited for their loved ones to be out of the room (even on a trip to the bathroom) to pass. For some reason the dying seem to look for these moments to pass so that they can spare the grief of watching them die. Even if your siblings had been there...she still may have waited till they were out of the room to pass. Think of this as her final kindness to your family. I say this because I was there when my mom passed, and while it was very peaceful and I was so lucky she didn't suffer...I can tell you that the image of her taking her final breath, and the physical changes to her body in the next minutes has been haunting me ever since. I literally am having flashbacks about it.

She loved you and your family. I hope you find peace. I haven't yet myself, but I know one day I will to.

My mother is in the hospital, dying. Nurses aren't always there but I try to help my mother and that is not enough. What I do is still little. I am crying every day and my insides are tearing apart and I feel alone when I go home late at night from the hospital. I cry out Mama,Mama as I walk home. I can't bear it and I love my mother so much, I wish to be young again when my mother took care of me and to do my life over again. Now it is so difficult for me to see her who used to take care of me and was strong and now she is so weak. She says to me, whatever god decides as though she knows.I am alone and I never dreamed that my world, my mother, will be going away forever from me. No friends, no family. I am alone with all my struggles.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mother died yesterday - She took a turn for the worse so I took her to the ER, was with her when she died unexpectedly and stayed with her after she had passed to grieve. It was very hard, but it must be harder still not being there and feeling helpless with your siblings. All I can say is that you cannot let the way she passed color your feelings - the pain of loss is bad enough, now you need to heal. Try to focus on your feelings and not what your siblings didn't do - you will have time later to hash it out after the first year has passed. Remember, no matter what they are your family and they are precious no matter what the disagreement. Sending prayer your way for you and your mom

Perseverance, I agree with Nikki99. I do believe your mother was not alone. My Mom began seeing her loved ones more and more in the days before she died and then started seeing more angels. These visions increased until she died. I feel she was already transitioned into the new place before she passed.

Condolences on your lost. I say go easy on your siblings. They were there to the extent that they were. Maybe you're anger at them is really guilt for your not being there? I had a situation where my mom was in a car accident. All of my siblings were at the hospital except for one. We had been at the hospital for hours and at some point decided that it was okay to go. Mom was soundly asleep on pain meds/sedatives and in no danger. My brother had decided to stay at work and come basically when it was convenient for him and then chastise us for not being there when he finally got there. He made a choice to not be there when it was most urgent. He could have left work. Anyway, I'm just saying you all shared a lost. We all handle things differently. You might have a strong belief about being there for the actual passing. They might believe it's best not to be there. So many families fall apart after the lost of a parent. Honor your mom and know that neither she or you are alone.

I agree with Nikki99 opinion. When my MIL passed just before her last breath she sat up (something she hadn't done on her own due to her illness) her eyes filled with love looking towards something or someone, a smile on her face and then she left us. The hospice nurse said that this happens all the time. It's as though her "patients are happy to see someone they've been missing." As for your siblings, though they love your Mom maybe they aren't as strong as you are and couldn't handle the situation before them? Something else to think about, if you had it your way, you would have been there with your Mom. It's not your fault that it didn't work out like that. Try to let go of the guilt. Your Mom was lucky to have such a devoted and caring daughter in her life. I hope this helps and I'm very sorry for your loss.

I am so so sorry to hear of your loss, and the circumstances that are making things even harder for you. I have no words, except that I have experienced both, once with a parent, once not. Both times I wanted to be there. You know, I think guilt is with us always, maybe just women? Scratch that, my husband's four sisters do nothing for their mother. At any rate, it seems you did a lot and should be proud of that.

My friend's mom had diabetes. Doctor said he needed to amputate a leg, so no food or water after midnight. Mom got hungry in the am so friend gave her a piece of toast. Went to hospital and doctor stated to confirm no food or water after midnight. Friend admitted to giving the toast, so operation would be delayed. Mom died that night. Thank God for that piece of toast!!!

Yvonne, Forgive Yourself....We all have to go. Perhaps she chose that time when you were gone to transcend...IT'S OKAY...FORGIVE YOURSELF!!! You can mourn as long as you have to,, there is NO time limit...By the way, did you hear your mom after she had passed? Do you hear her favorite song on the radio when you think of her? Or a certain animal or bird she may have liked? Talk to her?

It's okay, she is not suffering. Some people wait to be alone before passing on...Everyone knew she was sick if everyone was watching over her. She took her quiet alone time to escape her frail body...

Perseverance, Bless you Love! Your post suggests you have a Faith... hang on to it and KNOW that "All things work together for GOOD......" We often think people have let us down in some way, perhaps not realizing that God has His own plan. Perhaps in a moment of quietness and Peace... He chose THAT time and those circumstances to call your Mum home?I'm sorry your sibs are disappointing... we ALL are sometimes...... But your Darling Mum is at peace now. Let the grief wash over you. Feel every feeling you need to feel. Cry every tear. And remember her with Love. Try to let go, but not until you are ready. Well done good and faithful Servant! Love is it's own reward!I have worked in Aged Care for 16 years and agree with many of the comments posted. I believe that many of us DO choose the moment when the family is not there, to spare them (and perhaps ourselves), that final sad parting.I hope you can find comfort in the days and weeks ahead. Bless you!

Usually the people who die "surrounded by family" have had a long, slow, difficult death. Yvonne, although your mom was in hospital it sounds as though death took her unexpectedly and she was feeling positive up until that point. I would call that a "good death", hopefully some day you can see it that way too.

It's been 3 months since my mom died. In some ways, I feel like it's just hitting me now because the sadness completely overtakes me, whereas before I was just numb. My mom was alone too. She has been sick for years and I could tell she wasn't getting better. She fell and broke her hip. I was supposed to go out of town that day, but stayed to see what the doctor said. They planned surgery the following day. I left the morning of the surgery. She came through surgery and was in good spirits when I talked to her on the phone around 8pm. At around 1215, I got a call saying mom's status had changed. What did that mean? It meant she was gone. She died alone. I'm so sad. I was with her for 15+ years, through the ups and downs. I took care of her. She moved in with me and I took care of her. But I wasn't there when she died. Not sure I can forgive myself.

My Mom died alone too - I was there in Arizona to visit her, but we had a terrible argument before I left, and I never called her.. She died shortly after this. I never got to tell her how sorry I was. The next time I saw her was in her coffin. My Mom was my best friend. I miss her every single day. My sister died in 2001, also in Arizona. I spent 2 weeks with her and held her hand when she left this earth. I thank God for this

Kree, based on everyone's post to me, they told me that my mom was close to the end. Although I didn't believe them (I mean, really, just from online my talking about mom?), I texted all my siblings that mom is dying and may not last a week or 2. In the meantime, we tried our darn best to get hospice. But due to red tape, and our refusal to subject mom to a very bumpy ambulance ride to her clinic just so that her doctor can look at her and declare she needs hospice, we tried APS, insurance, clinic to please just send a doctor over to diagnose her. No. We must take mom to the clinic. My siblings were all on the porch talking, when mom died in her sleep. The day she died, her favorite child (our spoiled brat baby sister) plane was landing home. Baby sis didn't get to see mom alive. Sis' plane had flight delays, their Houston-Honolulu flight got detoured to Houston-San Fran- got stranded for hours in San Fran. So sis arrived one day later than originally. Strange, the timing of when a parent dies. I don't think it's a coincidence, from all my readings, that they choose to die when no one is in the room.

Kree, my condolences on your mom. The guilt comes and goes. My mom passed away about 2 years ago. Only last December, I finally cried, mourned for mom. The guilt comes and goes now. I no longer hold it in. I just cry and let the tears flow. {{HUGS}}

I want to thank those who replied for your kind words. It means a lot to me. I guess if I was suppose to watch my mom die it would of happened at 4am when we were there. Maybe she wanted me to be with her alone I'll never know. I watched a friend die and I had no warning. She had an anerism and she was gone. When I speak of my friend I talk about her death and not the good times we shared. My lesson is to talk about how wonderful my mom was and not that I wasn't there for her final hours.

When my adult nephew died of cancer, the nurse at the nurse's station even asked any of us that called - could we please get the family out of the room? So, we all do what we can do. But, I probably would not be in the room, at all. My mother is 96.

Sometimes the soul wants to be alone, they may wait until they are along to be with the Lord.....My brother did. His son was there, left, and 20 minutes later he passed.... Sometimes they wait. Know your loved one loves you, this part being alone is okay. Perhaps it was more peaceful for her to be with her loved ones on the other side.....It's okay......She really wasn't alone......

Kree8s, I think the pain fades, the sorrow is meant to be, and the guilt you have to treat as you would any other kind of mistake: learn from it what you can, then look forward.

I can also tell you that being there when your mother passes does not make saying goodbye easy. My mother has gone now and I wish she hadn't. That's all.

Your mother's note must have cut you to the quick. While I wouldn't dream of blaming her for anything, I think the effect on you is incredibly unfair. How could you possibly answer her question? Take this to heart: you are not responsible for your brother, and you cannot be guilty of any choices he made. More consolingly, she wrote that note to you and not to him because she knew you *were* there for her - who else could she ask? This can only mean that she knew she could count on you.

I'm sorry for the timing. You're not alone in this. People with experience of witnessing many last hours have told me that they believe that sometimes a person needs to be alone to pass; but whether or not that is true, and whether or not it was true of your mother, you also cannot be responsible for the messiness of life. You could have sat unmoving by her side for a month, and still have missed her passing because of some trivial interruption - a bathroom break, a phone call. Concentrate on everything you did for her, and let go of what you cannot help. Wishing you comfort x

My mom passed away 3 months ago. We got a call at 4am from the nurse saying my mom said she wanted me there she didn't want to die alone. My husband and I went to be with her. We were there for hours and I had already been up for almost 2 days. My husband insisted we go home and I get some sleep. I argued with him that I wanted to stay, but unfortunately gave in. She was on morphine and out of it, but when I held her hand she squeezed it. We kept calling the place where she was. They said everything was fine (the Dr. told me I had 3 days) and I planned on spending the night there so I did some errands first. She died on my way to see her. The night before she wrote me a note and asked why my brother never showed up. She was in and out of hospitals for 6 weeks and he never came. (He never came to the funeral either). I was there every day and yet I feel so bad she died alone and so guilty that I choose errands over her. How does one ever get over the pain, sorrow and guilt of loosing a mother.

Thank you for the comment Chemkrd. I am sorry for your loss. I would not have had a hard time being there when she died. I spent hours and hours and hours with her and just wanted her to be comfortable. I knew she was going to die and I wanted it to happen soon, so she would be out of her intense misery. I only regret not being with her to make sure that the proper meds were (or were not) given, and to have held her hand. She wasn't waiting until she was alone. The CNA's said they were with her when she died, and that she went quickly, but I know that the morphine she was given was too much and very likely caused her to aspirate, which would not have happened if I had been there. I'm glad she's no longer suffering, but I do believe that the drugs brought on her death much sooner. I just can not forgive myself no matter what anyone says, and I never will.

Please don't beat yourself (or siblings) up about not being there. My mom just died on Monday; we were there but I understand that often someone dying waits until they are alone. And some people just can't handle being near someone dying; they imagine it is scary. Sorry to hear about your Mom; I am a mess after losing mine.

My sweet mom had a very large uterine tumor and terminal liver cancer. She was in a SNF for 5 weeks, trying to gain strength so she could come home. She did a lot of physical therapy, even though she didn't want to, because she wanted to come home and not be a burden - she wanted to be able to get to the bathroom on her own. After 4 weeks, a new doctor was coming by to see her and she became a little agitated and asked for some relief (they gave her Ativan), which seemed to make things worse, then 5 and then 10 mg of morphine. That night she became extremely delusional and angry, yelling that they were trying to kill her and that I needed to get her out of there. She stopped eating and drinking because the medication made her unable to swallow. After the delusions stopped, she was completely lucid, but the morphine made her very nauseous and she was vomiting a lot for about 24 hours. The next day she was in horrible pain (possibly the nausea from the morphine), so the hospice worker suggested 10mg of morphine boost per hour, as needed, while they switched her to a fentanol patch. That night, she vomited a couple of the non-concentrated morphine doses, until they switched to more concentrated sublingual dose. After 3 hours of 10mg doses she was still in pain, but it seemed to be subsiding, though she was still moaning. After spending all day trying to help her to be comfortable and listening to her beg for help, I was physically and emotionally exhausted and asked them to give her the 10mg every hour, and then went home, thinking she would sleep. That was 10:30pm. At 7:30am they called and said she was breathing very short. I was there in 10 min. but she was gone. They said she had been conscious and talking in the morning, and then passed, but I don't believe it. I can not ever forgive myself for not staying with her. I know that she vomited (probably alone) and probably aspirated. If I had been with her, she would not have suffered as much, and even if she died when I left to go to the bathroom or something, at least I would have been there through the night make sure she didn't aspirate. I will never forgive myself. I am in such grief, I can not function.

Thanks, everyone, for your prayers and responses. I am feeling better now - and have an eternal perspective. God is faithful. Mom is with Jesus, and I will always love and miss her. It is well with my soul. I accept how she left this world - and that my siblings did what they could do - and they didn't have any idea when my Mom would depart. Mom was beautiful and responsive on the day she died. We even have a beautiful video of her taken on that day - and I am so grateful.

I pray each of you are comforted with your own situations and that God gives you peace and consolation as only He can. Sweet blessings...

Perseverance, I'm sorry for your loss. I agree that sometimes the dying person will finally pass on when they are left alone for a few moments. When my mother was in nursing home hospice my dad had to be hospitalized for a TIA. He had been seeing her once or twice a day there. That was the day before Thanksgiving. I saw her through the early afternoon of Thanksgiving and she was unconscious. I had my sister (out of state) and my dad(hospitalized himself) talk to her on the phone so they could say whatever they needed to, and they knew that she couldn't respond to them. I left the NH to have Thanksgiving dinner with my husband. Just after I got home the NH called to tell me she had died. I have always felt that she needed the space from us "to go home". My dad took it the same way. It was harder for my sister who was far away and couldn't be here at that time. (That's why I arranged the phone call.). Some people want to be there, some don't, some can't. I believe the final moments mean less than a lifetime of love and caring. Sometimes when we release a loved one they are free. And we all have to cross the finish line by ourselves, with memories carried on in the love of others whether they are near or far at the that moment.

Thank you, all, for responding... my heart is grief stricken.. it's simply so painful and heart wrenching. That being said, I was prepared for her passing... and we had the opportunity to see each other via video conference and she always responded really well to seeing me and hearing my voice - eyes wide-eyed and BIG, BIG smile that made me giggle out loud deeply... and this happened yesterday afternoon... My sister also had taken a video of her and it is precious as she looks directly into the video.. I made many happy memories with her in the last few years especially - so I am so grateful.

My mom departed without her loved ones around her... I have to accept that.

My siblings have to live with their choices... what is sad is that my brother was flying in from east coast - delayed 24 hours due to the severe weather - and mom passed just as my brother landed...

I feel so grateful for my time with her... so sad for MY loss (she's in a better place)... and sad that I don't have any family members to grieve with... my sisters have tried to contact me.. but they are not by nature comfort givers... I actually think they want me to comfort THEM and I simply don't have it to give... I have to forgive them for leaving Mom and not staying with her.. she passed away at 630pm... they had other "important" things to do... As was the case for the past several years of her declining illness.

I choose to forgive them - it will be a process for sure. They'll have their own journey to reflect upon...

This place was a huge blessing for me.. I have not been on in several months, but it was a very nurturing place for me to come and participate.

May God be with each of you in your journey with your loved one... may we all grow in His love.

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