Monday, May 17, 2010

Listen up everybody, i need to make a point here - a point i didn't think i'd have to make because of the totally obvious nature of it - but it seems that in the mish-mash of intersecting messages that the media and our increasingly chaotic childhoods are bringing us, it's almost essential.

When we like a boy, in truth, we like the Man we see him becoming. I say this because it means something to be "manly". It implies strength, integrity, a sense of power within the world.. it means someone who can be depended upon to look after us. This isn't very feministic of me, but political correctness be damned. And any woman who says that she doesn't want to feel truly safe, cherished and loved by her man is a truly blind person lying to herself.

Trust me, it took me a while to come to this understanding of the situation. I pride myself on being an independent woman - mentally as well as financially. I don't "need" a man, but gosh! i do want him! And not the hammed up roles of 21st century butter-fingered vulnerable dishrags either - i mean a real man, someone who is strong for the woman, who looks after her, is there for her...

... not someone begging for "understanding" of his manic-depressive behavior because he fucked something up to begin with!

I met this guy - let's call him Veeks - and, on a work-date type thing, he seemed fine. We talked about our respective jobs, and how there could be a possible cohesion of interests on a few projects. Then he orders dinner - at a nice place - and walks out without paying! Call me weird but i don't think that kind of thing is cool. What's the greatness in getting some poor employee into trouble with the management? Strike One.

Then, the next day he starts incessantly texting me and starts asking me questions like "so i guess you don't believe in god" and "tell me your birthdate - indian and western".. etc. HUH??? I mean, dude! i just met you. I didn't even know there are two birthdays to reckon with. and it's none of your business if i believe in god or mud. As a crowning touch to that flurry of space-invasive messages, he sends me mail on "breathing exercises that i MUST do to get in touch with my body's energy". Uhm.. thanks, but my regular energy level is fine which you would have known had we even touched upon this area of highly personal introspection ever. Strike Two.

Then i meet him for coffee where he lays bare for me the last 10 years of his life - a committed relationship, a great business, etc - which he had all left without a backward glance just a few months ago. Basically telling me that he was broke, on the rebound and seemingly casual about all of it. Now tell me something - at a business interview, would you be telling your prospective employer details about how you screwed up at your last job??? Why is your personal life to be dealt with lesser delicacy? And all because i asked him the question "So... what brings you here?" I meant "sitting across from me after haranguing me for a few days with offers of coffee" and which he obviously took to mean his great philosophical journey as an adult. I should have been more specific. That was Date Two.

And then finally, the next day, he sends me a text. "I'm in the dumps. feeling depressed. and i thought of you." Is that, by any chance, supposed to make me feel good??? That you feel comfortable enough to "share your mood swings" with me already? Why don't you just land up wearing your boxers and scratching your ass the next time we meet? I'm so pissed off with these oh-so-sensitive heart-on-your-sleeves spirit-sucking vampires who these days are passing themselves off as "men". What happened to the famed strength? The resolute control? Needless to say, that was Strike Three.

So here's my perspective on the dating thing: Assume you're applying for a job that gives you benefits such as regular sex, TLC during sick days, a dedicated partner to share some of the most boring chores and some of the best laughs. The interview is the tough part - which occurs over a few "dates". During this time, you reveal parts of you that are trustworthy, dependable, a team-worker, etc. Then the group discussion, where you're invited to be a part of the friend / family circle and where you show charm, ease of adaptability, trustworthiness and dependability. Finally, if you clear these hurdles, you get the jackpot - trust, respect, honesty and love.

But even then, there's a basic rule - like a preferred customer in a neighborhood bank, you may withdraw love and attention and care ONLY if you have deposited enough to begin with. Sometimes an overdraft may be allowed, but only if it is returned with a little extra interest.

The principles of banking and employment are so simple, kids start learning them in primary school. Why can't love and respect - something that no one else can do for them and which will inform every human relationship they ever form - be taught too?

Sunday, May 2, 2010

If there was a Craigslist kind of thing in Mumbai, this is what i would be writing in the Missed Connections section:

You - in a purple tie-dye kurta and a backpackMe - in a purple beaded top and blue jeansAt the Landmark store, going through the DVD titlesYou - of live action filmsMe - of animated featureswhile we both mini-bee-bopped to the muzak and i wondered if you'd like to maybe watch a film, while i nuzzle your neck and drown in the musky aftershave you use as you shave around your cute goatee that just goes to accentuate your perfect jawline and the ironic lips, while you marveled at how perfectly my body fit yours and how you don't ever want to let go.

You're probably 24. That would make me a student of the Cougar school of thought.