BROODING BARBIE & WHITE POWER KEN

In the least surprising move ever, Mattel is capitalizing on the success of Twilight by releasing Twilight-themed Barbie dolls. Cue product description:

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb. Twilight has quickly become a worldwide phenomenon developing a strong core base of dedicated fans who are drawn to the story of a Romeo & Juliet style romance between mortal (Bella) and vampire (Edward). Who better to capture the young star-crossed love of these two characters than Barbie & Ken. Edward is luminescent with a shimmering complexion and trademark gold eyes. Bella doll sold separately. [Toys R Us]

The lion… fell in love with the lamb? Is that a line from Twilight? (it is) That only makes sense if you’re an idiot. We get it, they’re predator and prey. But if you’re trying to write a super deep metaphor, wouldn’t you use two animals that actually share a habitat, rather than a bastardization of an old proverb about March (or an apt description of my lovemaking style)? I guess it doesn’t matter, as long as the hero is super white, celibate, and can protect you from dangerous minorities. Anyway, the Edward doll is genital free and comes equipped with purity ring and friendship grip.

How dare you call that ignorant retard an author Al?
You’re just encouraging them.

By: Donkey Hodey

06.23.2009 @ 2:29 PM

You have to buy the Edward doll his wedding ring accessory before you can get into Bella’s package.

By: Crapbasket

06.23.2009 @ 2:32 PM

Bella Barbie thinks that pregnant tramp Pippa is a total whorebag.

By: Crapbasket

06.23.2009 @ 2:34 PM

Hasbro thinks Mattel has their shit all backwards.

By: Donkey Hodey

06.23.2009 @ 2:35 PM

Not so cute when you make the logical conclusion that the Edward doll feeds off of My Little Ponies.

By: Stinky Peet

06.23.2009 @ 2:36 PM

Mattel should implant oppositely polarized magnets in their crotches.

Not the dolls, the parents who buy them for their kids.

By: The Average Bear

06.23.2009 @ 2:38 PM

Thats all well and good but what is their alternate form? Does one of them become a ocean dredger or dumptruck? What do they transform into damnit!

By: Crapbasket

06.23.2009 @ 2:42 PM

Then two Bratz dolls walked up and flashed their tits. Edward doubled over holding his dick as he blew his load in his pants, Bella shrieked “God protect me!” and shielded her eyes. The Bratz meanwhile, took their lunch money and on the way out slapped Bella on the ass and called her “No Taco Bella.”

By: Donkey Hodey

06.23.2009 @ 2:47 PM

When humans leave and all the toys wake up, even the Weebles call the Edward doll a fag.