My (30f) husband (36m) has gone on a chore strike

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We both work and have usually done a decent job of dividing the chores. I am 7 months pregnant with our first child.

Since becoming pregnant, certain chores have become really tough for me. For example, I have a lot of trouble doing the laundry because I can't bend/lift like I used to. I also struggle with things like cleaning the bathroom because I have to get down on the floor. The doctor has recommended that I cut way back on physical activity as it is.

I sat down with my husband and told him that we need to redistribute the chores and he got very upset. He said that I'm using the pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy and that he shouldn't have to do my chores. I suggested that we swap some chores because his usual chores (cooking, doing dishes) would be much easier for me to handle. He refuses to listen and said that he likes his chores and doesn't want to do mine.

Now I am trying to keep up with my responsibilities but have been falling short. My husband decided that since I'm not doing my half of the chores, he won't do his. Now I feel like I have to do all the essential housework because he refuses to take care of himself, me, or the house. With this on top of the job and the pregnancy, I'm not sure how much more I can handle. How can I address this and help him see how unreasonable he's being?

TLDR my husband refuses to swap chores to accommodate my pregnancy and now won't do chores at all

Lol are you dense? “It’s going to suck raising two kids” isn’t what OP is going to say to her husband. People are saying that to her because she’s pregnant with one and her husband is acting like a child. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yup. Single mom who got divorced when my son was 9 months old (Bc of shit like OPs husband here, plus him being a soulless weasel cheater scumbag - which I wouldn’t put beyond OPs husband).

Was terrified of being on my own, but was surprised to find in so many ways it was actually easier. No more managing and navigating the fickle emotions of a selfish man child, no more cleaning up his messes or doing his laundry or walking on eggshells or cooking only the stuff he liked to eat...and my house stayed sparkling clean for the first time in years with basically no effort.

Well, I guess if I were you my next step would be to bring him to an OB/GYN appt and have the doctor explain why the chores need to be temporarily swapped. But wow OP. I really, REALLY wonder how your husband is going to handle midnight feedings and such.

And then he's probably going to complain that she "got fat" and he is "not attracted to her anymore" because she doesn't have time to go to the gym for 4 hours a day and get rid of the baby fat in 3 weeks while she's raising 2 children (husband plus actual child) plus doing all the chores.

This reminds me of Steven Moffat, the former showrunner for Doctor Who, and the current showrunner / writer for BBC's Sherlock. He also once made an unfunny 'joke' about no longer being attracted to his pregnant wife because she "got fat".

"Your wife turns into a boat, and shortly after that, you never sleep again, and you clean shit off someone. It doesn’t seem like a very appealing prospect. Obviously, the moment I saw my child, that was different, but up until that point, I was thinking, ‘how long before she gets back to normal size? Will this damage anything?'"

Based on Moffat's highly questionable comments about women in general, it makes me question if OP's husband also has similarly...questionable views.

Moffat also had this to say about actress Karen Gillan:

"And I thought, ‘well, she’s really good. It’s just a shame she’s so wee and dumpy…When she was about to come through to the auditions, I nipped out for a minute, and I saw Karen walking on the corridor towards me, and I realised she was 5’11, slim and gorgeous...and I thought, ‘Oh, oh that’ll probably work’."

"And I thought, ‘well, she’s really good. It’s just a shame she’s so wee and dumpy…When she was about to come through to the auditions, I nipped out for a minute, and I saw Karen walking on the corridor towards me, and I realised she was 5’11, slim and gorgeous...and I thought ‘Oh, oh that’ll probably work’."

There is really good youtube video explaining the producers problems with the show, it's about an hour long. I didn't like the show because it felt increasingly unrealistic and frankly written so all over the place. He really puts his finger on some issues I found hard to explain.

I couldn't make it past the Hounds of Baskerville episode where the top-secret experiment group made matching tee shirts which was a major clue. It felt like a mystery story written for little kids, and I didn't tune in to watch Cam Jansen or the Boxcar Children solve mysteries. I wanted Holmes.

Also, I hate how the show perpetrated the "I'm smarter than you so I'm going to be an aloof dick" as a viable personality for a protagonist.

In fairness that had a lot to do with BBC Worldwide. Under RT Davies BBC Wales and the showrunnibg team had final editorial sign-off. Under Moffat, BBC Worldwide had final say and kept changing/ dumbing down scripts to be 'more US market friendly' - unfortuanatly in the UK (I'm a Brit) US market friendly' tends to mean significantly dumbed down but with more merchandising opportunity. Quite a few writers from previous seasons turned down working on various seasons with Moffat because the BBC Worldwide team would drastically change scripts - but still wanted the writers to 'have sole credit' rather than admitting it had been through a team of script editors to significantly rewrite it.

I wish the company can be bolder and not be afraid to listen to people in the US who do complain about the show’s dumbing down! Who is all these people anyways? How do you even start to watch a show that is all flesh without a solid skeletons of good stories? It is infuriating. If I could, I’d go find these people and have a talk with them and tell them to leave my favorite show alone!

I was literally talking about this with my friend yesterday! I also saw Coupling till the very end, where the main character’s wife finally gave birth, and let’s say it is insulting. It wasn’t an outright misogynistic moment but I wondered how his wife stayed with him knowing the couple was heavily inspired by his real life with his wife. Dear god, imagine what this woman had to put up with, or maybe she’s an accomplice in the ignorance too.

OP please don't think this can't happen to you. I'm part of a breastfeeding support group, and a bunch I mean pretty much ALL the mom's there have this exact thing happen to them with their husband. And it all started with them not helping during the pregnancy. Please OP do yourself a favor and get out of that relationship, at least temporarily. Let him know you're serious about him changing his way. My husband and I went through something similar, although he was just lazy and having a hard time fighting through it. He always did though. But one day I got tired of him still complaining about "chores" and still being lazy that I left. I left him for two weeks. Keep in mind those two weeks I wasn't begging him to change or whateber. I put my foot down and told him i had had enough. That was enough time for him to snap out of his little phase and he is a changed man now.

Once your baby is born, your whole world is going to change. Your life is going to be about that little human you guys created. It's going to be HARD! The nights are going to be HARD. The sleep deprivation and not showering for days or eating a warm meal is going to be HARD. Can you trust your partner to help you then? Can you trust him to be in this 100% with you? Not 50% like the way he treats his "chores"?

OP please don't think this can't happen to you. I'm part of a breastfeeding support group, and a bunch I mean pretty much ALL the mom's there have this exact thing happen to them with their husband. And it all started with them not helping during the pregnancy.

How did all your friends pick such shitty partners, do you live in Saudi or something?

OP might want to rethink raising her second child with her mentally 8 yo husband-child throwing a tantrum over something that impacts her health because it's only gonna get worse. She should REALLY consider staying with family, might be easier then dealing her sonhusband. Do marriage counseling or talk to a divorce lawyer.

OP might want to rethink raising her second child with her mentally 8 yo husband-child throwing a tantrum over something that impacts her health because it's only gonna get worse. She should REALLY consider stating with family, might be easier then dealing her sonhusband. Do marriage counseling or talk to a divorce lawyer.

You're an incubator slave to him, at this point, OP. You can ask your doctor to tell him how heavy a pregnancy is on a woman, but chances are he'll think your doctor is just taking your side, or worse, is also a woman and doesn't know. He knows this baby anchors you to him so he can get away with being a jerk. Don't let him.

3 Am. Baby wakes up crying. Husband sleeps the sleep of the dead while mom gets up for the third time that night, like she has for the past 8 weeks to feed the kid. He will do nothing to help, complain the house is dirty, that no meals are cooked and WHY NO SEX YET?

I adore my husband, and in fairness he does do the bulk of the housework. I usually cook - I love cooking. But being pregnant and cooking... I just really couldn't. He did moan a few times about how we'd agreed to share chores. And I pointed out I was growing a baby. It took a couple of weeks to get (I was around the 6/7 month mark when I started struggling). But I started getting quite poorly, he went to a few hospital and midwife appointments. He really, really got it. He's been absolutely bloody amazing since. I mean perfect. I swear I fall more in love with him everyday.

I also, at least for a few months - as I realised he was getting exhausted picking up all of the household chores - arranged for a cleaner to come once a week.

I think sometimes men can be utterly, utterly clueless. I was blindsided by a lot of aspects of pregnancy, as a guy he was even more blindsided. Sometimes getting an ObGyn/ midwife to have a quick chat can open their eyes.

Marriage can be a lot different when it's just the two of you going out all the time, having weekends, having fun, having sex, all easy fun stuff. One might not realize how much their partner isn't really a partner until a kid comes into the picture, and only one person steps up to the responsibility and the other spends all their time complaining there's no fun/sex anymore.

I beg to differ. She knew full well, she just made excuses with him. Having a child with this babyman is ridiculous.

I bet if we could see her other throwaways it would document a relationship of his self righteous, half arsed behaviour. She'll end up one of those women with a baby strapped to her back taking on every domestic duty because she's 'at home all the time' you mark my words. Pregnancy complications/post partum be damned.

A lot of women say 'oh he changed when we moved in/got married' but let's be real. He probably was always 'kind of a slob' but it was 'fine' as she had to ask him to clean and he did it.... Eventually. Now apply this scenario to all the little things over the years and you get this situation.

OP, leave him. Next time around take a hard look at the person you want to spend your life with.

Comments like this are seriously unhelpful and destructive.
Definitely do not disagree with your point that he’s unlikely to change, however laying blame on OP for the situation she’s in right now is obviously going to make her feel worse.
Build up, don’t tear down.
And OP, I know precisely how you feel.

I’m so pleased that you feel my justification of OPs situation was successful. That was the aim. Never had shit go wrong in life?

Leans forward “Gather round, children! The messiah has come!”

Yes, I was in that situation four years ago. The truth doesn’t hurt at all. I can talk about it. The situation itself though was soul destroying. Really, really fucking soul destroying. (Yay, isn’t that great - you score a point right there!)

Being in a soul destroying situation gives you this magical power called EMPATHY. In short, it kinda allows you to feel what that other person is feeling. Actually, I’ve heard that many people have empathy without even going through awful shit. Wow, imagine that!

If you feel my advice unhelpful, you are welcome to provide some of your own pearls of wisdom.

This may be hard for you to understand, but not everyone views theirselves as a passive 'victim' of fate. I was also in a very similar situation to OP. I decided to leave, rather then marry him, have his child and hope he would suddenly respect me. Evidently you did too, but instead of passing this on to OP you'd rather she stay in the 'soul destroying' environment.

As someone else said in the comments "taking responsibility for our decisions helps us learn for the future".

OP, I’m sorry you’ve had to witness this train wreck exchange and that it’s distracted from your situation. I’m also sorry you have to deal with folks blaming you for the position you are in.

You know how shit has played out, nobody else does. I think I can identify with the way things may have played out for you and you just don’t think the kind of shit you’ve described is ever going to happen. And when it does, it just feels like your heart drops and the floor falls out beneath you.

I was positive that my ex and I were together for life. We were two peas in a pod. We had known each other a long time before we got together and so I felt no stone was unturned. His sisters were my best friends, his family stable, loving...pretty much “normal”. When I found out I was pregnant after four years together, things were suddenly very strained. It hit me for six. Then when our daughter was born, he fully checked out. There was emotional, financial and verbal abuse. I did not see this coming and I do not give any fucks about people who can’t (or refuse) to understand this. You can’t know it unless you’ve lived it.

You will walk your own path, and you will listen to your own instincts. Look at the big picture, Be brave, be your own strongest advocate. But first and foremost OP, be the person who is kindest to yourself and to your little one. Love wins xo

Seriously! And women who let this behavior continue and be modeled for yet another generation make me sick. Why won’t people stop procreating with entitled assholes like this dude?! One more generation away from equality.

I’m not trying to say you should have made a different choice, but you have to be honest with yourself. You said he’s always been dodgy about doing his chores (see how that wording makes you sound like a mom?) and it took you years to get somewhere with him.

Except it sounds like you had to fight with him to get him to do chores at all. So there is a precedent of him thinking that chores are not for him to do. Has he ever suggested or outright said that chores are "women's work", or that maintaining the house is your job, not his?

I'd say hey cooking is harder and requires more day to day work - but only until OP says who does the cleaning up before and after, the grocery shopping and planning for it and who (if any) handles the menu planning.

Pregnancy is hard on your body and uses a lot of energy and resources... does he debate this?

You physically can’t take laundry out of the washer at this size... what’s his solution?

Your doctor believes your level of physical activity is harming the fetus... does he care?

I think you should move in with your mother for now. He has escalated his “response” by going on strike. Your ONLY OPTION here (other than doing all his chores) is to show him you are also willing to escalate.

Why would you stay in a relationship if you are at the stage that you need a doctor's note to convince your partner to help you? He's not stupid, he can see she's pregnant, he just doesn't want to help. It's a choice, it's not because of a lack of evidence and her word about how she's feeling should be enough anyway.

You physically can’t take laundry out of the washer at this size... what’s his solution?

This is literally untrue. Squat down or bend over. Take one piece of clothing at a time. Use a stool. Pregnant women have literally worked in the fields (and still do). She can do some laundry.

Your doctor believes your level of physical activity is harming the fetus... does he care?

There’s no evidence that physical activity has any negative effects on fetuses.

I think you should move in with your mother for now. He has escalated his “response” by going on strike. Your ONLY OPTION here (other than doing all his chores) is to show him you are also willing to escalate.

Her option is to continue to meet her end of the obligations. He has no obligation to not only do his part when she isn’t doing hers, but to also do her part on top.

You must have never had a baby occupy your body for nine months. The ability to bend over or even squat down is much harder when you have a huge sack of baby and water in front of you.

Yes she is trying to meet her obligations but his lack of compassion and lack of willingness to compromise and trade for the sake of her health and ability is still inconsiderate.

And before you say “women have been doing this for years without complaining” that’s right, they sure have. But just because they have been and even still do, is not relevant to this situation. Every pregnancy is different. Not all women have the same pregnancy when having a second or third child, from their first child. I’ve seen cases of a woman having the most difficult labor and traumatic birth with her first, then with her second child she made it through labor like a champ with no complications or issues.

This is literally untrue. Squat down or bend over. Take one piece of clothing at a time. Use a stool.

So, I'm a fairly thin woman, naturally very flexible, and pregnancy made me gain only about 10 pounds, and bending over to get laundry out of my top-loader would have been 100% impossible for me to do. Going one at a time doesn't make fishing for those pieces at the bottom any easier.

Heck, even getting my shoes on was a bit difficult.

So, maybe don't speak for every woman out there? Even if you were able to do it, doesn't mean anyone could.

Use a stool. Use a hockey stick. Use tongs. Unless you have some sort of bottomless vortex for a washer, I can almost guarantee you that it’s physically possible to retrieve items from there. I know of an actual paraplegic person who can do it.

Don’t be ridiculous. It’s possible, it would simply be more effort than you’d like.

This is bullshit. I've caught work colleagues who lose their balance from a standing position at 7 months pregnant. There is no way they can bend down to get stuff off the ground. Also, on the fields comment, strenuous manual labour and a fall caused my grandmother to go into labour early while working in the fields and the baby died. Just because it's possible doesn't mesn it's safe.

Based on how these things usually work, first he'll say they don't need a counsellor. Then he'll go, dragging his feet, then he'll improve by about 5% for a few weeks/months. Then it'll back slide for months. Then he'll say the counsellor is a waste of time.

OP will look up, it's a few years down the track (if she's lucky, more likely it'll be a decade and a few kids later). OP will leave, husband will swear he's ready to change, he's going to be different. Alternatively, husband will say he had no idea she was serious/unhappy. They'll go to counsellor again.

Rinse, repeat.

Two potential happy endings for OP: (1) she walks out when she's still young, with only one kid, and he actually changes. He actually tries. Love wins.

(2) she waits hoping he'll be better, he isn't. She's now older, but she walks out with her kid(s), he bad mouths her to everybody but eventually they can do dual custody without issues. She finds somebody else and has a second marriage or relationship where all the issues with her first marriage are avoided because she chose a man who was actually a man and not a petulant idiot.

I hope OP gets one of those two, the alternative is decades of misery.

I’m sorry people are attacking you for his behavior. People change and not always for the better. And there’s not always an easy solution to getting back on the right track.* I’m sorry I don’t have any real answers for you, but I just wanted to send some support your way.

*Yes, the “easy” solution is he should step it up. But seeing as she can’t snap her fingers and make him see things her way it’s not really easy at all.

I agree with many people here who are saying marriage counseling. However, if he's been great for five years and is just now freaking out, then it's probably because he's freaking out about a lot more than chores. I bet he's the type of guy that likes routine. I would bet that he's scared of how crazy life is going to become after baby is born and this is him acting out. This is a lot of speculation but I would bet this hits close to home. I would bring this up when you go to marriage counseling. However, he has shut down and you need to talk to someone soon. I don't think you should hit the object button though. Impending fatherhood is terrifying and I don't think everyone remembers that.

But when it hits the fan and you can't do anything, what does he do? According to you, whine and moan about how you aren't fixing things, when you physically can't.

What would happen if you were in a car accident or got cancer? After the baby was born, if you weren't there, what would he do? What would your child's future look like? If the answer to that questions scares you, that's a really bad sign for this relationship.

You have to see how it sounds like you're describing a child, not a partner who should be your equal, right?

Take him to your appointments so he can hear it first hand, go to marriage counselling before the baby is born because there seems to be a ton of issues between you guys. I can guarantee once that baby is born he won't allow you the time to recover because it will be your job to look after the baby.

If he refuses to do those things then please just leave because that means he'll never change.

The questions you need to be asking yourself are: can you cope with being this unhappy for the rest of your life with a partner you doesnt treat you as an equal? Do you really want your baby growing up to think this is the norm and possibly having that future for themselves?

But when it hits the fan and you can't do anything, what does he do? According to you, bitch and moan about how you aren't fixing things, when you physically can't.

What would happen if you were in a car accident or got cancer? After the baby was born, if you weren't there, what would he do? What would your child's future look like? If the answer to that questions scares you, that's a really bad sign for this relationship.

I don't really see how blaming OP for this is helping? Her husband is being an ass. Can we focus on ways to fix that instead of telling her she made bad decisions when she's already working her butt off?

We're not miracle workers here. All this 'go to counselling' and 'have a frank discussion' is not going to do jack. OP clearly said he's always been flaky on the chores and she had to nag and school him through them. Of course (like a petulant child) the first sign he gets to stop he will.

Yea she might not have "chosen" to get pregnant at all. We don't know the circumstances. Also a lot of people blindly hope that their partner will step up and change due to a baby, foolish but understandable.

You should go stay with your mom or with friends, or else have your mom come early. If he’s like this already, it will get exponentially worse once the baby comes.

It may take a separation to knock some sense into him. But you don’t need that right now, you need to be emotionally stable for the baby. And you can’t do that in a nasty house bc this guy isn’t helping you when you’re unable to do your normal tasks. You know, bc you’re seven months pregnant.

You do have a choice, your choice should be leave him. He is only going to get worse and worse. He's never going to help with the baby, at best he might be the "fun" parent and make you be the bad guy (as he's already forcing you to be his mother).

Raising your child as a single parent is going to be so much better than with him as an additional job to handle, because that's all he's going to be, a weight for you to carry as you try and raise your child.

Even the crappiest jobs give you 2 weeks vacation right? And a pregnancy is something you have advance notice about, so I think anyone should be able to take at least 2 weeks off when they have a NEWBORN.

Although I'm Canadian and we get an entire year to split between mom and dad, which is way more reasonable imo.

EDIT: sorry forgot that Americans don't have minimum 2 weeks vacation. Feel free to ignore this post, it sucks but I guess some of you have no choice but to work right away.

Not all jobs. My job was “too small to be legally mandated to offer maternity leave.” So my options were 1) work until the end or 2) quit. With pre-eclampsia and dangerously high (we’re talking trips to the ER) blood pressure, I had to quit.

Nope, there's no federal law requiring any paid vacation or sick time, and only a few states provide any guarantees.

It's also legal in most places and most professions to fire you if you take unpaid time off for any reason.

Most office and trades jobs will give you two weeks off as a common practice, but because they aren't legally required to do so, they can put whatever restrictions on it they like. They can reject every request you make, if they want.

If you're in a service sector job, you probably get nothing.

(Union membership is an entirely different situation and varies widely by workplace.)

You could argue that he should not have agreed to go through a pregancy if he didn't have any vacation/paternity time available. If my partner were pregnant I would absolutely want to make sure I could support them while they went through all of that.

Worse. He's going to make life more work. It was "cute" before, having her man "need" her and taking care of him. It's not cute anymore.

I'm sooooooooo glad I got out of my marriage with a man-child before getting impregnated with his span. I know I enabled him and that we had issues. But he blamed it on school and stuff, and I bought it. And we married. And he made empty promises. I finally got fed up and left him. Thank goodness.

As somebody that had her mother come help and whose husband literally had to work. You need to be careful. It establishes a very unbalanced idea about who does what. And eventually when your mom leaves, it will be very difficult to adjust. He needs to help, even if he works during the day. Babies are a lot of work. If he is already balking at work, that is not a good sign.

So...is he planning on contributing ANY support to raising your child with you? Or will be consider his one and only duty to be going to work, and feeding, cleaning, changing, comforting, entertaining, supervising is all your job?

Sounds like it. As a mom of 4 kids — 3 of them triplets — this makes me very sad. I’m no psychologist but it sounds like he has a personality disorder. Not having empathy is the hallmark of a socio/psychopath. If he won’t go to counseling you should seek it on your own.

So you’re giving birth and going to need help taking care of your a child you are having together and his choice is to not take time off and hand over the care of his family to your mother? He can’t take time off or he won’t?

After a difficult labor, emergency c-section, NICU stay, breastfeeding issues, and my dog suddenly passing away, my husband had to take care of everybody and everything for a while. All I wanted to do was sleep, but he really stepped up. I can't imagine how hard it was for him to suddenly have to take all of that on. Sadly, I don't see the OP's husband doing any of that for her and their baby.

Hire a cleaner to get you through the pregnancy and then take a good, honest look at your relationship and the future you're likely to have with this guy. You could try counselling but his total lack of empathy and his lack of willingness to sacrifice anything for your family do not bode well.

You know, if you left him your mother would still help you with the baby. Plus you wouldn't have to deal with his bratty bullshit. I know being a single mom must sound so scary, but I honestly think it would be easier in this case.

How are you letting him get away with that. That literally does a disservice to women and families everywhere. You are preventing civilization from advancing by being a pushover and allowing your husband to be free of childcare and household duties. I wish people who want 1950s relationships would go to the developing world where they are the norm, instead of polluting places trying to achieve equality.

I would try really hard to understand what he’s going through before listening to people jumping on the “abuse” train. Refusing to help with the chores isn’t OK, but new fathers go through changes too. My soon to be ex husband didn’t do a single thing besides what I had to ask for/provide financially when I was pregnant up until our daughter was about 8 months.

It was really difficult for him to connect with her since I nursed and she was extremely dependent on me. I don’t think he was ever alone with her except maybe twice within the whole 8 months. It caused a lot of tension between us at the time.

Now that she’s almost 2 and able to engage with him more (play, laugh, etc.), he’s much better with her and she’s even primarily in his care.

He's not going through anything currently though. She's still pregnant. He's just throwing a hissy fit that she asked him to step up because she literally cannot, in her physical condition, complete some of her chores.

Right, I don’t mean currently. I mean in the future. It doesn’t sound like this relationship is going to improve when the baby is born and I would just hate for her to feel bad or think that means he doesn’t love the baby. It’s harder for men to bond with infants.

Pray tell, what exactly do you think OP's husband "is going through" right now that is preventing him from doing chores? And for that matter, what was he "going through" five years ago when he refused to do any chores at all?

Yeah, you should always try to understand things from your partner’s perspective. And my next line immediately following that is that what he is doing isn’t OK. I have no clue what he’s going through but I’m not excusing his behavior. I just think it would be silly to jump on the “he’s abusive” train after one incident when we don’t know if this guy is wrong or just always a jerk. So she absolutely should take into account things from his perspective and again, in my experience, it’s harder to the male to bond with a newborn so if she’s expecting more voluntary involvement immediately after the baby is born and that isn’t what she gets, don’t lose hope.

I just think it would be silly to jump on the “he’s abusive” train after one incident when we don’t know if this guy is wrong or just always a jerk.

As I specifically mentioned in my previous post, we already know that this isn't a one-time incident. OP has stated in comments that this isn't the first time he's refused to do any chores. So, yes, we do in fact know that this guy is "always a jerk."

it’s harder to the male to bond with a newborn so if she’s expecting more voluntary involvement immediately after the baby is born and that isn’t what she gets, don’t lose hope.

Again: his refusal to do chores is happening RIGHT NOW, and this issue first started FIVE YEARS AGO, way before the baby was in the picture. His refusal to do chores has absolutely nothing to do with father-child bonding. Why on earth do you keep going back to this? It's completely irrelevant to the issue at hand.

My (STBX) husband said almost those exact same words to me - that I was using the pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy. This was in the last couple weeks of pregnancy and I was miserable. He never did very much to help around the house or with our children. I spent another 11 years like that (there were other issues in our marriage, but this was a big one) and it was awful. Don’t be me, OP. Set firm boundaries, go to couple’s counseling, and if things don’t change, leave. I’m sure it’s scary to think about that since you have a baby on the way, but I was a single mom with my first child and it was easier than having my second child with my husband. Be strong- you got this.

There are a few partners in my due date group accusing the moms to be of using the pregnancy as an excuse to be whiny, lazy, get attention etc. I know it can be hard to understand the level to which it affects a person, but this shit started when many of us were literally throwing up multiple times a day.

I just...you know, I think about all the effort it takes to keep a premature baby going. Incubator, IVs, oxygen, feedings, teams of medical professionals, round the clock monitoring. And all that MASSIVE effort is happening inside a pregnant woman's body. She's literally life support for--by month 7 or so--a fairly complete human being. Plus all the organ squishing and relaxin fucking up your joints and giving you major hip pain and all that other third trimester wonderfulness. I'm not quite six months pregnant with my second and I'm already having a noticeably harder time breathing as a 12+ inch person floating in a water sack takes up an increasing amount of my internal real estate. It CAN be hard to see how difficult it is from the outside, but damn, if these guys just picked up a book or followed the What To Expect website week to week they'd have a good idea what their partner is experiencing. I don't understand why finding a little empathy is so terribly hard.

I can’t love this enough. I recently had premature twins; they were 10 weeks early and I think t finally clicked with my husband exactly how much work it is growing a baby or babies. My first pregnancy went a lot like the OP. I worked 60 hours a week and struggled to keep up with chores and my husband was no help at all. To be totally fair, after our daughter was born he did a complete 180 and really helped more than honestly was needed. With our next pregnancy, our twins, he came to our 12 week appointment. My doctor told me to just take it as easy as possible and my husband took him at his word. He did everything, cooking, cleaning, laundry, everything. His work schedule changed and since he was unable to help as much, he asked his mom to come stay with us to help out since we knew the twins would arrive early. He completely changed his tune. I hope the OP husband is mature enough to do the same.

I just...you know, I think about all the effort it takes to keep a premature baby going. Incubator, IVs, oxygen, feedings, teams of medical professionals, round the clock monitoring.

These things did not exist for the vast majority of human history and are not accessible to most women living on the earth now. Somehow they still get through it though.

And all that MASSIVE effort is happening inside a pregnant woman's body. She's literally life support for--by month 7 or so--a fairly complete human being. Plus all the organ squishing and relaxin fucking up your joints and giving you major hip pain and all that other third trimester wonderfulness. I'm not quite six months pregnant with my second and I'm already having a noticeably harder time breathing as a 12+ inch person floating in a water sack takes up an increasing amount of my internal real estate. It CAN be hard to see how difficult it is from the outside, but damn, if these guys just picked up a book or followed the What To Expect website week to week they'd have a good idea what their partner is experiencing. I don't understand why finding a little empathy is so terribly hard.

None of these things prevent getting on your knees and scrubbing the floor. The immobility is not debilitating and normal functions can continue for the most part. Empathy is an acknowledgment, but it doesn’t grant any special status. Just because I empathize with you doesn’t mean I’m going to be changing my behavior, particularly if I’m right.

None of these things prevent getting on your knees and scrubbing the floor. The immobility is not debilitating and normal functions can continue for the most part. Empathy is an acknowledgment, but it doesn’t grant and special status. Just because I empathize with you doesn’t mean I’m going to be changing my behavior, particularly if I’m right.

What you say is correct. With extra effort and unnecessary pain, she can still clean the bathroom. OR her husband can trade doing the dishes with her, which involves zero effort or pain. Just a miniscule amount of empathy for the person he is meant to love most in his life.

This is his wife. His partner. The mother of his future child. Surely he could summon up some effort for the communal household due to her current physical limitations because, you know, her body is expending a shit ton of physical energy growing their child.

It's not about empathy, it's about taking care of your teammate in life.

It's not like she's having the baby just for herself, and the pregnancy does make it harder (though for most not impossible) to do certain things.

So if you're the husband in this case, do her a solid and switch chores. It shouldn't be that much of an ask I would think, and if you're married to someone I would've assumed that doing them favours and making their life easier would be something fairly high up on your to do list.

Geez, if you can really empathize with a pregnant woman and still feel no desire to lighten her load a little bit, that makes you even worse. But what I really think is happening is that you have no idea what empathy means.

And I say that as a woman who was lucky enough to have very healthy pregnancies and didn't have to give up much activity or responsibility.

The immobility can be debilitating depending on the person and how their pregnancy is going. And the difficulty breathing is a real thing. It's common to get light headed and certain activities put pregnant women at more risk of passing out. Too much strain can cause problems or early labor.

The uterus also releases a hormone that allows the body and joints to stretch to accommodate the baby. But it also makes the joints less stable, leading to an increased risk of joint injury, so activities with a lot of bending and lifting are genuinely more risky for pregnant woman. And that's not even accounting for that way the center of gravity shifts in a pregnant woman, making it easier for them to lose balance or fall.

Geez, if you can really empathize with a pregnant woman and still feel no desire to lighten her load a little bit, that makes you even worse. But what I really think is happening is that you have no idea what empathy means.

Empathy means understanding how someone feels. Cool I understand how you feel and why you feel that way. Doesn’t mean I’m going to be changing my decisions, especially if I’m in the right.

The immobility can be debilitating depending on the person and how their pregnancy is going. And the difficulty breathing is a real thing. It's common to get light headed and certain activities put pregnant women at more risk of passing out. Too much strain can cause problems or early labor.

Getting down and scrubbing the floor for half an hour would not cause any major complications in any woman without a severe preexisting condition which would essentially prevent her from having the mobility to walk into the bathroom in the first place.

The uterus also releases a hormone that allows the body and joints to stretch to accommodate the baby. But it also makes the joints less stable, leading to an increased risk of joint injury, so activities with a lot of bending and lifting are genuinely more risky for pregnant woman. And that's not even accounting for that way the center of gravity shifts in a pregnant woman, making it easier for them to lose balance or fall.

She is moving some socks, not a couch.

Pregnant women have (and still are) hauled barrels of hay and have worked on the fields. It’s safe to say that she can pick up an article of clothing and move it a few feet. Inability to do such would be indicative of extremely aberrant medical issues. Otherwise, no, you can do some laundry.

Just because it used to be doesn't mean we should still do it. That's a terrible reason to give. Women also used to die in child birth a whole lot more.

It's not even that pregnant women are completely incapable of doing day to day things. It's that it is harder and more complicated. Even in the animal kingdom partners pick up the slack for pregnant mates. If my husband has a headache or other minor injury that makes it harder but not impossible for him to do his chores, I'll still pick up the slack because I know it sucks to have to do physical labor when you feel like crap. Sometimes it's unavoidable and you get it done. But the point of a partnership is to lift each other up when the other isn't at their best.

My thoughts exactly. I am disgusted and even a little scared that we have people like this walking the earth. I think one should always be kind whenever possible, and it should be a given to swap chores (its not like OP is asking to slack off all chores completely, though even that would be ok for most emotionally normal people when chores get difficult because of physical changes) because OF COURSE you want what's best for your partner in life, the mother of your child. And this person is like NO you get on your knees and scrub the floor with your big belly and your pains and aches. This is just terrible. edit. textbook psychopath in my eyes.

Great! Then if a pregnant woman can do that then a guy who's not pregnant certainly can! So he's in no way justified in being a sulky little crybaby because waaah!!! He has to get up off his ass and actually do something he's never had to do before. Sorry dear, but guys can justify having no empathy for women - and yes, both you and this guy have no empathy - and afterwards, they can also whine about how confused they are that women either dump them or never want them in the first place. Any guy who gets all smug and cocky about how pregnant women work in the fields and hauled barrels of hay (but isn't intelligent enough to understand that these same women were often the ones having miscarriages or died in childbirth because I guess they don't teach this stuff in certain forums were these types of guys spend all their time) are the same ones who feel far less cocky when women avoid them because they have no value as partners.

Great! Then if a pregnant woman can do that then a guy who's not pregnant certainly can! So he's in no way justified in being a sulky little crybaby because waaah!!! He has to get up off his ass and actually do something he's never had to do before.

Great you agree. She can and therefore should suck it up and do her part.

Any guy who gets all smug and cocky about how pregnant women work in the fields and hauled barrels of hay (but isn't intelligent enough to understand that these same women were often the ones having miscarriages or died in childbirth because I guess they don't teach this stuff in certain forums were these types of guys spend all their time) are the same ones who feel far less cocky when women avoid them because they have no value as partners.

You overestimate societal expectations of men. 50 years ago we wouldn’t even be having this conversation and things haven’t changed by such a large degree.

Pregnancy are different one to the other. I personally witnessed a woman that never stops working (happens to be a farmer so a lot of physical labor) have one pregnancy were she worked up until she went into labor and another were she was on bed rest by doctors order from the 2 trimester not being able to do laundry or cooking. So if a woman says I can't do something while she is pregnant effing listen. Will some use the pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy? Probably, but that's in my opinion and experience the exception and not the rule.

Have you been pregnant? I’m just curious, because unless you had the unicorn of all pregnancies, I’m not sure you can empathize with the OP or any commenters who have been pregnant. Yes, women have done all of those things, such as doing hay, as working on the fields, but the OP ‘s doctor even mentioned that she should be taking it easy.

Are you the OPs husband? If you are you are making a huge mistake. You have the chance to be her hero and you're telling her "nope, don't feel like it, you figure it out." It's such a small, small thing to switch chores and you won't do it. Why not? Why is making her happy a bad thing? I'd bet she'd do it for you.

You're going to lose your family. She's going to wake up one day, look at you and think "I'm done" and your selfish behavior when she needed you the most is going to be a huge part of that.

Are you fucking kidding me? The immobility is debilitating for some. SPD is no joke. I couldn't sit or lie down without being in pain. My fiance took over most of the chores when the morning sickness started. Pregnancy is exhausting.

Are you fucking kidding me? The immobility is debilitating for some. SPD is no joke.

1 in 300. Given the various asides, I can guarantee you she would have indicated if she had it. Otherwise, a rare affliction means absolutely nothing wrt whether or not she’s physically capable of executing her duties.

My fiance took over most of the chores when the morning sickness started. Pregnancy is exhausting.

You had him doing chores when you were 1 month pregnant? That really sounds reasonable to you?

That was a nice accommodation on his part. By no means is it an obligation however, particularly if it was not agreed upon beforehand like here.

Dude if my husband is sick in bed I'm doing his chores and if I'm sick in bed he's doing mine. It's a partnership. We're not roommates here. We signed on to be the person they can lean on. This woman's husband has said he can not come to her and expect any sort of sympathy or emotional or physical support. That is a man I would leave

Dear, you seem confused. No one is saying he's obligated. But if he doesn't do it, she's not obligated not to see him as a pampered, coddled, selfish crybaby who has no value to add to her life. See how it works? You don't get to cry and stamp your foot and say "You can't make me!!!" and still be seen as a desirable guy who's worthy of respect.

I did not make him do them. He saw how exhausted I was and how sick I was feeling and took over because he wanted to help. No one has an "obligation" to do this stuff but it's called being compassionate and a good partner. Unless you have been pregnant you can't understand how physically hard it is on your body. I never realised how hard it could be until it happened either.

And the women who had no problem doing anything are in the minority. It's common and normal to affect a woman this much. Her own doctor has told her to not do as much.

That's not the point? Humans are much more efficient at keeping babies nourished than NICUs: that's why we still do the whole thing inside of uteruses! And as long as women have been bringing babies to term there have been people helping and supporting them. When there is less support keeping their bodies in the ideal state to support the fetus, it is more likely that things will go wrong. Throughout human history expectant mothers have died from pregnancy or childbirth complications. Why not join the medical professionals monitoring your partner's body in making the process as smooth as possible?

When there is less support keeping their bodies in the ideal state to support the fetus, it is more likely that things will go wrong. Throughout human history expectant mothers have died from pregnancy or childbirth complications. Why not join the medical professionals monitoring your partner's body in making the process as smooth as possible

A very long winded way of justifying lazyness. I can guarantee that cleaning the floors in a single room and moving some socks from one machine into another will have exactly 0 impact. If she’s really incapable of doing simple tasks like that, then a medical emergency is occurring and she shouldn’t be outside the hospital at all. Otherwise, suck it up and actually contribute the measly half hour it takes to spray and wipe down a floor (or the 5 minutes it takes to move some socks and towels into the dryer).

Are you saying that your definiting of laundry is just socks and towels, from one machine to another? You must be very smelly and have a disgusting bed. Maybe it's you who's lazy, if this is your laundry.

I agree. I've also spent 16 years like that, with STBX. It's no kind of life to have. I developed a chronic illness while pregnant with our son, and have had bad flares off and on for years that have landed me in bed for weeks or months at a time and NOTHING changed. He still did nothing to help me, the kids or the house. Thankfully I'm much better now, but no thanks to him. I didn't heed the warning signs from the beginning. He and I clearly have different ideas of what marriage is about. I thought when one person went down the other would pick up the slack. I suggest you maybe stay with a family member or friend and take some time away. Perhaps seek some counseling, and consider leaving the relationship if need be. I hope with all my heart you never have health problems, like me....but if you ever would, is this a man you can count on to take care of things if this situation would arise? Something to think long and hard about.

My soon to be ex was the same way. Refused to contribute with childcare of our toddler, didn't lift a finger to help with keeping the household running, etc. even though I was the one working and he was a "SAHD". I remember having to clean for 6 hours straight one day while I was on bedrest because the house had fallen into such disarray.

A few days after coming home from the hospital I asked for help unloading the car which was full of heavy groceries (which I went to buy myself without him because he refused to come along) and he said no. You know how recently postpartum women aren't supposed to lift more than 10 lbs or do strenuous chores? So did he, but he didn't care.

It doesn't get better with partners like this. It will get worse and worse and worse and one day you will wake up years down the road wondering how the fuck this happened to you. You won't get those years of your life back. Every time I have ever thought "this situation is untenable and I should leave him", I should have left. Not once were my instincts wrong but I ignored them in the vain hope he would change.

He never stopped being selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate and lazy. Zero empathy or compassion, zero desire to make his loved ones' lives easier in any way. Wouldn't hold down a job more than a few months at a time, wouldn't contribute to chores and childcare even when unemployed. Eventually he became a vicious, violent alcoholic and I did leave, 7 years into a marriage that was toxic from the get go.

I was incredibly stressed, I had severe PPD, and I was not the mother I should have been because of it. My kids suffered and I suffered because I was too afraid to walk away and do things on my own. I think about those years and I literally can't remember any of the fun parts of watching the kids grow up, all I remember is how exhausted and angry I was all the time.

Ironically, once I did leave and I was actually alone, my life got easier. Women in online groups going through the same thing had been saying that's what would happen for years but I never believed them until it happened to me. But it did. I was always doing it alone before, but now I had one less person to clean up after and take care of, and it made a huge difference.

Once I left, he had to move out, get a job, start cleaning up after himself and become a functioning person. And he did. Our kids are SO much better off now having two parents that are slowly moving towards getting their lives in order separately.

Don't make the same mistakes I did, OP.

My soon to be ex was the same way. Refused to contribute with childcare of our toddler, didn't lift a finger to help with keeping the household running, etc. even though I was the one working and he was a "SAHD". I remember having to clean for 6 hours straight one day while I was on bedrest because the house had fallen into such disarray. A few days after coming home from the hospital I asked for help unloading the car which was full of heavy groceries (which I went to buy myself without him because he refused to come along) and he said no. You know how recently postpartum women aren't supposed to lift more than 10 lbs or do strenuous chores? So did he, but he didn't care.

Every time I have ever thought "this situation is untenable and I should leave him", I should have left. Not once were my instincts wrong but I ignored them in the vain hope he would change. He never stopped being selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate and lazy. Couldn't hold down a job more than a few months at a time, wouldn't contribute even when unemployed. Eventually he became a vicious alcoholic and I did leave, 7 years into a marriage that was toxic from the get go.

The horrible part was, once I did leave and I was actually alone, my life got easier. Women in online groups going through the same thing had been saying it for years but I never believed them until it happened to me. But it did. Once I left, he had to move out, get a job, start cleaning up after himself and become a functioning person. And he did. Our kids are SO much better off now having two parents that are slowly moving towards putting their lives back together.

I honestly think some people (like your ex) are incapable of being in relationships. They're fine single! They can take care of themselves, they aren't incompetent by any means! But as soon as they realize they can be lazy and the chores will still get done and they'll still have clean clothes and food to eat... then they will. It simply doesn't occur to them to do otherwise. Low empathy.

Hey Op, do you live close to your parents or family? I'd suggest given your husband's petulance and lack of support that you move home for a while.

Cause chores aren't an employment contract. They're the basic things you do to maintain your home and doing more because your spouse is pregnant and can't keep up is an absolute basic thing to expect from your husband.

Given his petulance, it sounds like you two need counselling. But given his current behaviour he's going to say nothing is wrong. Not to mention physical labour is a bad idea at certain stages of the pregnancy. Basically, that's very little you can do about your husband at the moment (if at all). So move out and go home. Get some help from family or your parents or friends.

And hopefully this is the short, sharp shock he'll need to raise you guys need to talk to a relationship therapist and actually work at it.

(personally his refusal to do chores to begin with in the relationship would have made me dump him all those years back. Ugh. But well I assume there are reasons you want to stay married)

Solid advice on moving to parents - the Japanese have an actual term for that: Sato-gaeri (里帰り), where the wife goes back to her parents’ home for the last month-ish of the pregnancy and a few weeks after birth, so that her mother can help. It may be becoming less relevant these days but I do know a lot of people personally that do it. A portion of this may be due to the fact that Japanese people (and in this case, the husband) works god awful hours, so isn’t at home much in the first place to help.

I see it as a fairly positive thing, as it allows mother to pass down their knowledge and care for their daughters well being. On the flip side, that would be hell if someone had a bad relationship with their mother.

If the husband works very long hours, you probably also don't want to leave a pregnant woman in her last month alone at home for so long, in case she goes into labor early, needs to get to the hospital, etc.

My husband told his work he was working from home the last month of my pregnancy (when things got hard for me). Good thing he did, my water broke in the morning while getting the kids ready for school.

My first instinct was to just go move in with my mom but then I also wouldn't want her to look at my SO in a bad light. I guess I could spin it as a joint decision but I just thought it's interesting that we both went right there.

In most cases, unless it's obviously abuse, I usually lean towards saying "try couples counselling, try learning a better way to communicate". In this case though, the baby is coming, the husband is petulant and any chance of saving the relationship will go through months if not years of the husband probably insisting nothing is wrong or making comments about how they had enough sessions or improving then backsliding.

Op doesn't have time and moving out might actually kick-start her husband into taking any counselling seriously.

I personally would have dumped his ass but then I'd have been impossibly sceptical about the long term effects of staying with a person I had to convince of the importance of splitting chores.
So... Couples counselling. But for op's current gestational and mental health: move home or to friends or siblings.

Currently 8 months pregnant, closest I can describe is like those day-long hangovers you get in your 30s on top of starting a new workout routine yesterday and you’re sore all over. Also you sleep like shit. Send him to CrossFit and make him drink a 12-pack. Wake him up randomly at night.

Hah this is my life. Actually, can’t complain too much as my little guy is too low to reach my ribs thus far (hear those kicks hurt a lot more). He does have some sort of 3 am dance party schedule going on though.

The shit sleep is really a killer, I feel bad for OP. Pregnancy is so tiring.

When I was pregnant a memory foam mattress topper really improved the quality of my sleep. I went from waking up 5-6 times a night because my body ached, to waking up 3-4 times a night because I had to pee. And actually being able to get up out of bed to pee without everything hurting. And then I re-purposed the topper into a "floor bed" when the kidlet got old enough not to need a crib but needed a spot to nap downstairs.

Also, you can def still complain about a low baby because a kick to the cervix is no joke and I may've yelled at my stomach that he could either come out right that second or never pull that shit again, full stop.

Jesus fucking christ, I mean, I'm childfree for many reasons, but even if I wasn't, I'd be terrified to be pregnant. I didn't even know cervix kicks could happen. I guess it makes sense given the geography, but it never once entered my head, and holy shit that sounds awful.

Don't forget to get him constipated, and flood his lower extremeties with swelling. For an extra touch, use a few clothes pins on his scrotum to simulate vericose veins that some of us lucky women get in our labia from the extra pelvic pressure!

Oh yeah. 8+ months pregnant with kiddo #2, now. I could write a non-fiction horror story about my bleeding hemerhoids, exquisitely painful vericose veins all through my bits, and then the hook of the story could be about how during labor with my first child, I tore both to the front and the back. Many women tear to the back (sometimes all the way through to their rectum), but it's apparently more rare to tear toward the front... I ended up spending a few weeks peeing out the seemingly never-ending blood clots that continued to accumulate from the tear to my urethra...

It comes on gradually and is temporary, so I’d say a chronic disease is a much bigger deal. Some days are not bad at all. But I have lots of support, makes a big difference vs OP. Hope you’re managing alright too!

I would think that getting randomly and violently smacked about the face, head, joints, and midsection would do a fairly good job of replicating the various headaches, nausea, and joint pains of pregnancy.

I gained 60lbs each pregnancy. I’ve gone from 120 -> 175 -> 111 -> 170 -> 114 -> 172 in 4 years and holy shit is it debilitating. I’m always shocked at how debilitating it is until I deliver the kid and I get movement back.

There's really nothing like that no-longer-pregnant feeling. Even if you've just had an emergency c-section and now you're puking your guts out with all your abdominal muscles severed because you've got a morphine drip in one arm and some industrial-strength "stop trying to make your heart explode" blood pressure medication in the other. Still better than being pregnant.

Yup! 38 week checkup was all clear, two days later and it's midnight and I'm at L&D with abdominal pain so intense that I can't feel the contractions I was totally having earlier you guys, I swear. I got my blood pressure taken with two different cuffs and then a robot, and then everyone was all "Okay! Emergency surgery? Emergency surgery!"

6/10, recovery was no bueno but at least I never got a chance to shit myself while in labor, right?

Hahahahaha I was SO worried about accidentally pooping myself in labor that I made my husband swear to me that he would go to the store and buy me an enema if I asked so that I could make sure it wouldn't possibly be an issue.

Turned that I didn't even need to ask at all because they induced me for 3 days and then we all agreed that I should just go ahead and have the C-section... the funniest part is that I had been TERRIFIED of having a surgical delivery and now I've decided if I have another baby I would absolutely schedule a C-section again.

Preeclampsia isn't very common. I just happened to be unlucky in that small regard. I was 34 when I had my daughter, which increased my likelihood of developing that condition as she was also my first child/pregnancy.

However, I had an excellent surgeon and neither my daughter nor I had any ill effects. I honestly think that I had a much smoother healthier bounce-back process than my friends who had 'normal', vaginal deliveries!

I’m 30 so this just makes me more nervous!
Out of curiosity, did you ever go back to your pre-pregnancy weight? I’m very much into keeping fit these days so I’m wondering if it’s something realistic for us “older” ladies.

I never really thought very deeply of how the extra weight of pregnancy would effect your ease of walking or doing literally anything, and one day I was carrying a 25lb container of cat litter and it dawned on me that this was similar or much less than the weight you’d be carrying around pregnant, but instead of just from the car to the apartment, it’s every minute of every day for months. Those cat litter things are heavy for me so it really put it all into perspective. The more I learn about pregnancy the more I respect and empathize with mothers.

The OB doesn't want heavy lifting not because you can hurt the baby, but because you can really hurt yourself.

My pelvis got all messed up from relaxin, especially with kiddo 3. Pinching nerves and pubic symphysis pain, which lasted for months after. I couldn’t even do walks more than 5 minutes after he was born because it just hurt. It’s so easy to mess things up because you can’t tell where the normal boundary is.

It took a while (months), but it was a reminder not to overdo it because it’s so easy to damage things you don’t notice yet, and that I wasn’t as young with the third as with the first (27 vs 37). It pinched some of the center front nerves too, and made that oversensitive and unpleasant for a while.

I still feel it a bit if I walk a lot in a day (like miles of hiking) and kiddo is now three.

TLDR; don’t get cocky thinking you can do it all, it’s too easy to get hurt and it’s unnecessary.

I don't see this guy giving a crap. He's not going to do feedings in the middle of the night because he's going to think it's her job. He's going to claim he needs his sleep because he has to go to work, but she's on maternity leave, so she has it easier because she's on "vacation".

This truly is the beginning of the end. This ball of yarn is eventually going to unravel. But, because of everything, naturally, you are going to try to make it work for a while longer. But always keep it in the back of your mind being married to someone that selfish is a house built on sand. Take every step and measure to protect yourself when it ends. Make sure you have income, a job, saving socked away, and your own separate attorney. I know you think we're all crazy for saying stuff like this. But it is just one of those things that is obvious from a mile away but invisible when up close.

This truly is the beginning of the end. This ball of yarn is eventually going to unravel. But, because of everything, naturally, you are going to try to make it work for a while longer. But always keep it in the back of your mind being married to someone that selfish is a house built on sand. Take every step and measure to protect yourself when it ends. Make sure you have income, a job, saving socked away, and your own separate attorney. I know you think we're all crazy for saying stuff like this. But it is just one of those things that is obvious from a mile away but invisible went up close.

This truly is the beginning of the end. This ball of yarn is eventually going to unravel. But, because of everything, naturally, you are going to try to make it work for a while longer. But always keep it in the back of your mind being married to someone that's selfish is a house built on sand. Take every step in measure to protect yourself when it ends. Make sure you have income, a job, saving socked away, and your own separate attorney. I know you think we're all crazy for saying stuff like this. But it is just one of those things that is obvious from a mile away but invisible went up close.

100% agreed. He seemed to have no issues with the fun part of making a baby! In the 6 years they have been together; has OP never been sick? Needed him to do other chores?

My STBXH was very difficult to help me around the house. I was working full time, and doing outside and inside chores. He was only responsible for keeping his man cave clean which I would still vacuum as otherwise it was not going to happen.

There are many reasons he is my STBXH and chores is one of them.

New man in my life will cook, and clean, and make love to me without me having to beg.

Exactly this. He doesn’t care at all about his wife or unborn baby to do CHORES. Lol! Seriously? He’s on strike now like an 8 year old? How fucking disgusting. I can’t imagine being with someone who would treat me like this, much less married and having a baby with them. Some people like being treated like garbage I guess. Don’t get it.

👏👏👏👏 I cannot upvote this comment enough. What I wanted to say, but way more eloquent.

OP, I hope you can set your emotions aside (I know, not easy :c ) and plan for the worst, while still holding on to your hope. Maybe, maybe your husband will have a realization of how godawful he is, and will actually change. But don't bank on it. Regardless I'm rooting for you and the baby!

We both work and have usually done a decent job of dividing the chores.

hes always been touchy about the housework. It took a lot of time for me to convince him to do the chores he has now.

Uh huh.

How can I address this and help him see how unreasonable he's being?

At this point? By telling him he can either go with you to a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer.

He's not just failing to do his chores through negligence. He is actively refusing to be a partner, or a member of your family. It honestly sounds like he doesn't care about you, or the pregnancy, at all.

Honestly, what was your relationship like before you got pregnant? Did you feel loved, cherished, emotionally supported?

Anyone from his side of the family, friends of his, your doctor, etc. They need to come together & get him to see he needs to cowboy up on this shiz.

You're seven months preggos. You're already doing extra work just by virtue OF GROWING A NEW HUMAN.
He can scrub a toilet for a few months. Jesus.

Also, mother of 2 myself. I just read your post to my husband & he had some serious not-nice words for him which I will not repeat here but yeah, your husband/apparent first born is being a dingle. Call in whoever you have to to get him to see reason because what happens AFTER the baby arrives & you're stuck dealing with 4th trimester crap and TWO babies.

Exactly! Call his mom or sisters or aunt or grandma. Whatever you have to do. Get a woman he ACTUALLY loves and respects (because his actions make it sound like he doesn’t love or respect you right now!) and have them rip him a new one. See if he changes. If yes, then go to marital counselling so that you don’t need to bring in backup anymore. If no, then you have your answer, he’ll never change, and you need to decide if you want to be a solo parent, or a solo parent living under the same roof as a husband who doesn’t give two hoots about her.

What would you do if the mother of the man thinks he shouldn't be doing any chores ? I see my sister struggle with it. The mil is staying with sister and family for 6 months and she hates when her son does any chore. He is meant to not do anything cause he is the man. I feel so helpless for my sister. She works full time, had 5 year old twins , does all the cooking for the kids and the adults as the mil won't eat what was cooking at lunchtime for dinner. She won't and can't leave him and hence it makes her situation so helpless. First of all he sucks at being a partnermche just needed his mum egging him.
I guess some people just have to live with it if they aren't willing to do anything about it.

Then I’d leave. No way would I stay in a rship with a deadbeat, with zero support from anyone to try and change things (including here zero support from husband if he won’t go to counselling etc).

Indeed. Everyone needs to make their own decisions in life. Some people are prepared to put up with terrible scenarios. Others value themselves higher than that. It’s each individuals choice. But I disagree with the “can’t leave”idea. There is always a way to leave. I’m the survivor of horrific domestic violence, I didn’t have a penny to my name, but I managed to get free. It all depends on what each individual is both willing to put up with, and willing to do to change their life :)

While I totally agree about your opinion, I disagree that shaming will work. Maybe it works short term, but it just creates silent anger and resentment, and you don't need that. There's a good chance that they end up divorced, that he won't man up, but shaming is only going to push him away, even if it makes him do the laundry for the next two months. Even if they divorce, he's still the father. Setting boundaries is totally OK, shaming is the wrong tactic.

I rarely recommend involving an outside party in a relationship but this sounds like something you aren’t going to make him realize alone. Is there a older couple that you both look up to that has children? I would reach out to them and ask for help.

It sounds like he is being childish and/or has unrealistic expectations of you. Talking to someone who has already been through this would help.

There’s a big difference between a doctor and someone who is in your life that you voluntarily love, trust, and respect, which is why I didn’t recommend a dr. Him talking to an older man in his life who cares about him and also has a successful marriage will be more involved, check up on him, and hold him accountable. OP’s husband will also witness first hand how to be a supportive spouse instead of just hearing it from someone who is paid to counsel.

There’s a big difference between a doctor and someone who is in your life that you voluntarily love, trust, and respect, which is why I didn’t recommend a dr.

This is so true! I had a doctor tell me that I needed to go through chemo to cure my pancreatic cancer, he was a quack. All I needed to do was listen to my best friend who said that Herbalife smoothies could cure me in a week. I ain't dead yet!

This is so true! I had a doctor tell me that I needed to cut alcohol out of my life and I knew they were right but I didn’t think I’d be able to do it. Steve noticed I was struggling and told me he used to be an alcoholic too. That’s crazy! He’s so successful in his life, I never would have realized that 10 years ago he was in a worse situation than I am now. Now Steve checks up on me and we go do things together that don’t involve drinking and I’m really glad that with Steve I’m given an example of someone who can have fun without alcohol.

No one is saying the professional advice is wrong or that he is right for not listening. The point is that we are trying to talk to him in a language he understands. Don’t sit there pretending professional advice is the only thing that matters unless you are the healthiest, fittest, most educated and successful person in the world because you listen to all professional advice you’ve ever heard.

Yeah. Sure when it's just you. This is his wife. How the fuck is she supposed to feel when she realises that her own husband can't listen to an experienced medical professional when she's in an actual life threatening condition. Chikd birth is brutal. But sure, let ask his best friend or cousin to convince him to change his mind and be a better person.

What if his child gets sick? He's supposed to get his hand held by everyone instead of listening to a doctor?

But I see there's a bigger problem here. Women simply aren't people to guys like him. Women's vaginas and bodies magically cope with child birth. Women's hormones do magic and everything will be okay like in those sappy videos of moms and kids.

This world seriously needs more information about pregnancy and childbirth. The reality of it. Not ads and shit.

A doctor and a friend? You are right, not even close. The doctor is much more knowledgeable than the husband's best friend. If you aren't listening to a doctor, or take the advice of a friend over a doctor's suggestion, you are an idiot.

Are you familiar with Captain Awkward? I would want you to read post 506 & 507 (Google Captain Awkward chores to find the post). It's such a huge power play to abdicate all household responsibility when your partner is 7 months pregnant that I'm at a loss for other advice.

This seems like a case of you ignoring what he tells you. You shouldn't have to convince your husband to do those work, I understand if you did. But are you truly surprised that he didn't want to do any more housework? Especially when he didn't want to do it in the first place?

While you're saying he's matured a lot since you met him, that doesn't mean he's anywhere near mature enough for a baby. Simple logic says, you are 7 months pregnant, n bending over is hard. Someone who refuses to see that isn't mature.

You have a long battle ahead of you, please open your eyes and prepare yourself to take care of that baby 24/7, because you won't have the energy to convince your husband to take care of your baby with you, you'll be doing that alone and he will barely lift a finger, I've seen it so many times.

While you're saying he's married a lot since you met him, that doesn't mean he's anywhere near mature enough for a baby. Simple logic says, you are 7 months pregnant, n bending over is hard. Someone who refuses to see that isn't mature.

Can you afford a cleaning lady? Someone to do some of the heavy lifting like the bathrooms, floors, vacuuming and laundry? I pay $10 an hour and have someone come in once or twice a month for four hours. If you could pay $40 a week might be worth it. I'm sure he'll grouse but that may be your only option even if temporary.

Is he "touchy" about housework because he has different cleanliness standards or does he think he shouldn't have to do chores?

Regardless he's 1000% in the wrong here. If you try to talk to him again and he continues with the "you're being lazy/using pregnancy as an excuse", is straight up ask him:

Is this really how you see me, your wife, and mother of your child? Do you truly believe that the person carrying your child is a lazy liar trying to get out of chores?
Do you really think I'd rather carry a child [ insert graphically disturbing details of your pregnancy] for 9 months over doing a load of laundry or cleaning the bathroom? I understand things are hard and changing fast right now, but honestly I'd trade you 2 months of chores for 9 months of [more graphic details]."

Something tells me he probably will find other ways to excuse his strike though. I'm on team shame, get out your family contacts. Sometimes people don't realize how far their head is up their own ass until friends/family outside the dispute point it out. He needs a reality check, and he needs it asap.

You're growing a fucking person inside of you. Your husband is an ass who is in no way ready to become a father. Get couples counseling NOW and if he doesn't become immediately compliant I'd be talking to divorce lawyers. Don't have kids with partners who are immature and not ready for the responsibilities of parenthood.

Your husband sounds like a whiny piece of shit. I’m sorry you’re having a child with this asshole. You’re pregnant for Christ’s sake! He should be doing everything in his power to make your life easier and as comfortable as possible. Instead he’s actively being malicious. Reading this made my blood boil. I’m willing to bet he won’t be helping out once the child arrives either. Throw the whole man out. What a low life that he would do this to you.

I'm currently 9 months pregnant, found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks. Ever since then my husband has:

done most of the cooking, dishes, and other kitchen stuff

done almost all of the cleaning, especially anything laborious

put together the nursery (painting, furniture, fixing the moulding, etc.)

attended all of my ob/gyn appts with me

run out to buy things for me when I need/want them

generally been attentive to my needs

I'm not saying this to brag or be a jerk but because it is what I would expect a father to do. I'm carrying our son--he understands the toll that is taking on my physical and mental health. He loves me and is kind to me. Again, that seems like the bare MINIMUM you should expect from your life partner.

This is not going to get better when you have a baby in the house who cries all the time, needs feeding and changing on the hour, and deprives you both of sleep.

I strongly suggest you go to a counselor now to talk about expectations after the baby is born. And if he can't make some significant change and show some damn empathy, you need to DTMFA.

My husband literally would not even let me TOUCH cleaning supplies & once about had a heart attack when I dared enter the bathroom while it still smelled like cleaner. He was ridiculously protective & doting both pregnancies. So much so that I have to admit occasionally thinking of adding a 3rd kiddo to the mix (joking haha).

But that's how a partner is SUPPOSED to be when you're incubating. Shoot, even my BIL acted like I was smuggling gold in my uterus with how over the top solicitous he was. (& He's kind of a super butt little brother type usually so it was pretty funny to see.)

My husband is amazing this way, too, and I can't imagine how it would feel to have him just blow me off. I'm 35 weeks with our second and yesterday he insisted I go nap while he finished our daughter's nursery. Then he did all the dishes and vacuumed so I woke up to a clean house. Oh, and he was watching our 3 year old through all that.

Our little one is almost 4 months old now and my husband was like this during my pregnancy, so much so I was worried about him burning himself out as he was doing all of the heavy lifting, so to speak! Thank goodness for a cleaning lady :-) we hired and closing our part-time business on top of working full-time (both of us).

In all seriousness, I can't even fathom being in OP's situation. I can say that the women in my pregnancy group who's husband's were not supportive in their pregnancies continue to remain unsupportive with their newborns (surprise, surprise). One of these women asked me recently if I hate my husband because she really hates hers :-(. I can't imagine raising a child in this kind of environment.

Yup. We are a lesbian couple, and when I was pregnant, my wife did all the heavy-lifting stuff, did all the cleaning, and took care of me. I had terrible fatigue problems so I couldn't do much of anything toward the end of the pregnancy, and my wife was wonderful in taking over most of the household chores during that time (and during the newborn time when I had a baby permanently attached to me at the boob). And I only attended one of my prenatal appointments alone - my wife came to every single one other than that.

That's how it's supposed to be. OP, please don't tolerate what your husband is doing - and also, be aware that the postpartum period is worse than pregnancy. You've got a completely helpless baby who needs to eat all the time, who can't be left alone for too long, and who needs you. I couldn't even feed myself too well when my baby was a newborn, let alone do anything around the house. You need to arrange a support network for yourself now, so that you are not doing the newborn period alone.

Yeah I am 100% not pregnant but if I told my husband I was feeling rundown or overwhelmed at work and could we redistribute chores for a few weeks he’d immediately and eagerly agree because we are two people who love, support, and trust each other. I don’t believe either of us are trying to weasel out of our responsibilities. OP’s husband is a dick. I’d honestly just throw he whole man away.

agreed with this, now isn’t the time to start up doing his chores. OP, I think you should drop doing anything that isn’t immediately necessary (trust me, the bathroom floor will wait, and nobody visiting would think to judge the 7 months pregnant partner for a dirty floor), and focus only on your needs with the tasks you do take on. since he refused to take on the laundry, presumably you’re still doing it? just do only your laundry from now on. fuck his shit. since he’s refusing to cook, just cook for yourself. look after your immediate needs and ignore taking care of his, and of anything that can wait.

if you find you can’t stand the mess and have the extra money, pay for somebody to come do a good deep clean once or twice, or hire a weekly cleaner. he will probably complain, but he sounds like he will complain anyways, and he lost the right to have a say when he ignored your very real health concerns.

It's a nice theory. My ex "rose to the occasion" and would just make the place filthy. I stopped doing dishes and waited to see how long it would go before he washed the dishes. He never did. (I washed only the ones I was using.) He ended up buying paper plates and plastic utensils. (Made me cringe do hard inwardly because of how environmentally unfriendly that is.) He literally never cleaned it. It went on 3 months. He's military, so he just left it when he left/deployed. I would wash it after he left so I didn't have to live in a pigsty while he was away.
He had no problem waking me up at 330am to sew on his patches and help him shine his boots, before he had to ship out at like 530am. Or wake me up to cut his hair in the middle of the night. (He did all of that on multiple occasions, I would even remind him weeks in advance to get his together, but he wouldn't until the last minute and then would wake me up and yell at me for not having done his shit for him.) He'd berate me for not doing his laundry or want me to do it for him all night long. Because he "forgot" to, and was down to the wire.

I went home to help a sick relative and came back to the most disgusting house I'd seen (until recently.) The grass was literally to my waist, weeds, all of my plants were dead, due to not being waters, the toilet was convered in hair and piss, not flushed, every dish used, with dirty pans with food in them sitting on the since, evidentially like for awhile, judging by their appearance, trash over-flowing and another full trash bad next to it. Cat box hadn't been touched since I left five weeks before. Trash and dirty clothes everywhere. Dirty dishes all over the house. Crumbs everywhere.

If I didn't fill the car with gas, he'd literally run out and call me to save him. If I didn't do the maintenance, it wouldn't happen. If I didn't fix anything in the house, it wouldn't happen.

I went in for surgery and was told to not be alone for 24 hours and bed rest. I could go to the bathroom and that was it, otherwise in bed, resting. He refused to take time off (didn't even ask.) He asked his mom to stay with me. They took off during my surgery (it wasn't that long,) came back, very late, didn't bother to listen to the doctor, who gave them an update, because I was too out of it/under anesthesia. Dropped me at home. Whined about getting my medication for me, then went back to work. (He had vacation time and there wasn't really anything going on that he couldn't have missed HAD HE ASKED.) His mom, who was supposed to be taking care of my puppy and feeding me, got bored, borrowed my clothes and went out and partied, while she was supposed to be there helping, so I ended up having to cook and take care of the very needy puppy who still pulled, which I wasn't supposed to be pulled on after the surgery, thus the reason for her being there.... That was the day I knew she wouldn't be in the delivery room if we ever had children. She'd be lucky if she was allowed over in the first 2-6 weeks after (my) giving birth.

The ex just didn't give a fuck. There's nothing to make him give a fuck. (We separated not long after that.)

So, good luck. I'm sorry you're stuck with a child with this man-child, but it won't get better.

Woof.
Sounds like husband plans on being a Kodak Moment Father. I hope you’re ready for him to just abandon you when it comes to baby maintenance and assume that you’ll still do the housework in a timely manner even though you haven’t slept in a week and you’re still in pain and oozing god knows what from the birth.

This is an omen, OP.
Husband thinks chores are women’s work and you know it.
If you still want to roll with this, have your doctor tell him face-to-face.

OP I'm 31w pregnant, I just was admitted to the hospital because I was pushing myself too hard physically. This is serious. Go stay with your mother, friend, anyone who can support you. Bring him to your Dr. they will tell him outright he is wrong and you are not being lazy. You have got to take it easy, you could go into preterm labor!!!! Please don't push yourself.

OP I'm 31w pregnant, I just was admitted to the hospital for doing because I was pushing myself too hard physically. This is serious. Go stay with your mother, friend, anyone who can support him. Bring him to your Dr. they will tell him outright he is wrong abd you are not being lazy. You have got to take it easy, you could go into preterm labor!!!! Please don't push yourself.

Yes, same! I'm 37 weeks now, but about a month ago I was admitted with a serious UTI and dehydration. I way overdid it and made myself sick. Luckily, both LO and I are fine, but it was a wakeup call. I can't do what I used to right now!

Reminds me of my husband. I overworked myself. Husband wouldn’t help out around the house, or help pack to move. I ended up having my baby 3 weeks early at 5lbs 12oz, he was in the 15th percentile for weight, jaundiced, and his blood sugar was very low. Drs said he looked like he lost weight in the womb. I still think it’s bc I was so stressed out and over worked. But I didn’t have a choice. Don’t be like me OP.

Yes I’m still with him, I’m a SAHM now so I do all the chores anyways. I don’t plan on having any more kids anytime soon. I can say for certain if he acts the same with the next one, I won’t stay. We are getting along okay, and trying to work through our own personal problems, but it’s too hard.

Wow. Your husband is supposed to be preparing to be a parent, not a child. I would sit down with him and address how immature he is being, and how right now you need a teammate, and he's not being a team player. Pregnancy, especially in the last stretch, really takes a toll on you, and it seems he doesn't really understand how bad it can really be. When my sister was pregnant she could barely walk room to room without being out of breath. I would encourage you to bring him in to your doctor so he/she can explain to him why these particular activities may be too much for you. It might help for him to hear it from a professional so he doesn't think it's just you "being lazy". He should honestly feel bad that he even turned this into an issue, and i'd express my disappointment in that. You are carrying his child which means you've made sacrifices and dealt with a lot of changes in your body, the least he could do is some chores he's not used to.

My mother has a lifelong hernia because my father refused to lighten her burden after she’d just had a C-section. He said she was being lazy. I was so glad they eventually got divorced because it was indicative of exactly who he fucking was in every way.

Marriage counseling, ASAP, to work on your communication and conflict resolution (and the fact that your husband is a d-bag). If he won't go, it's because he wants things to continue as they are - he doesn't see your unhappiness as a problem. So, marriage counseling if you want to stay with him. But keep in mind that reducing your activity is what your DOCTOR recommended, and when you told your husband that, he essentially called you a lazy liar. Why do you want to be with someone who thinks you prioritizing the health of your baby makes you a lazy liar? Your child will learn from your examples. Is this what you want your kid to think is "normal" and "okay," that husbands call wives names, that wives do all the house work, and that conflict and problems are solved by tit-for-tat "strikes," and not by working together to figure out a mutually agreeable solution?

You know how when you’re pregnant you can’t clean kitty litter? If you didn’t know then yes indeed, you’re not allowed to clean the litter.

I have two cats, 13 and 14 years old respectively, and the first time I was pregnant my partner outright didn’t believe me when I asked him to take over that chore for me. He doesn’t mind cats but he hates cleaning the litter, it physically repulses him, but you know what happened? He came with me to my midwife, she confirmed that no, I cannot clean the litter, and he just freaking did it after that.

A few years later I got pregnant again, cats still here. He didn’t even say anything about it this time, he just started begrudgungly doing it, and you know why? Because I was growing a person inside my body that was more important than his aversion to cat shit. Not only just a random person, HIS child. He cared about my well being during pregnancy because it directly affetc the baby.

Especially something that is widely common knowledge. A 2-second Google would've confirmed it for him, but he shouldn't need to do even that! I can't fault someone for wanting to verify information (especially since there are a lot of myths and old wives' tales around pregnancy), but I do fault people who are an ass about it and then don't bother to find the answer for themselves without inconveniencing others.

When I was pregnant, I was working as a chef. It was just me and one other chef in this kitchen, a man who had no stake in my pregnancy, owed me nothing but what the law offered. Anyway. At one point in my pregnancy I went into the cold room and the smell of the pastry we had in there for some reason made me feel sick. I told him in an offhand sort of way. It didn’t make me sick enough to throw up, or bother me hugely. Just made me feel a bit blaarg.

He went out of his WAY to swap kitchen jobs with me so I didn’t have to go in there unless I absolutely had to. At the end of the nights, he swapped his chores with mine so that he’d be the one packing away the produce and clearing down in there. This is a random man, not my husband, just a guy I was working with who was being nice and doing me a favour because I was pregnant as fuck and he felt bad for me as a fellow human.

Your husband is a fucking ass. You’ve got a lot of good advice here. I just remembered this mans kindness and it made me think how your husband owes you way more than my work colleague did.

Make absolutely sure that he is mentioned as the father on the birth certificate. I don't want to paint a bleak and gloomy picture but men like him are prone to dodge any responsibility. Now you need to think about your child and you, and maybe a time will come where you need to get him to pay you alimony. Edith: and/or child support.

I suspect the ones who accuse their wives of playing up pregnancy symptoms and post-birth recovery for attention/to get out of things overlap strongly with the ones who spend two full weeks in bed with a bag of frozen peas moaning that their entire life is over while being waited on hand and foot after a vasectomy.

Is that not an automatic given in the US, too? Where I'm from (Germany), the husband will always be noted as the father on the birth certificate, even if it's a known fact that it was actually another man who impregnated the wife (this can be changed later on, but it's a legal matter at that point).

I suppose you could drag him along to your next dr’s appointment and have him raked over the coals for being such a selfish idiot. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he brushes that off.

This is a really bad sign, because things will get much harder for both of you when the baby arrives. He can’t cling petulantly to these silly divisions of his chores and yours: it will have to be all hands on deck wherever possible. What happens when the baby cries in the night? Needs changing? Needs a bath? Is it all going to fall to you? Is he going to make sure he gets the easy stuff while you’re always having to change the baby?

Go to marriage counselling as well. Don’t tolerate this childish attitude of his. If he doesn’t step up, you should reconsider the marriage.

He’s obviously having an internal meltdown about being a father and he’s acting like a fuckin child. Girl. I don’t know what to tell
You. That man needs to get hit hard or talked to by someone bigger and stronger, who can knock some sense into him if the talking doesn’t work

Unpopular opinion incoming: sometimes a SO can be kind of hard headed and need a shock or wake up call. I’m not actually advocating any violence although I certainly said I was. I guess I’m back pedaling. I’m saying, this guy has had all the chances to fix his shit. He’s been asked nicely and is somehow trying to call OPs bluff. It sucks that it has to be this way but the SO here needs a shock to the system and I don’t know what that would be.

What the heck did he think was going to happen when you got pregnant? You're growing a freaking human being. HIS child. That requires energy.

In all honesty, if you can't shake him out of this soon, this really doesn't bode well for your relationship long term. Your husband must be incredibly self-centered to be willing to risk the health of his wife and child because he doesn't want to pick up a few extra chores. He's 36, not 26. By that age, he has friends or coworkers with children so he doesn't get a "maybe he just doesn't know any better" pass.

This won't end when the baby is born either because this doesn't sound like the kind of guy will take care of your physical needs postpartum while you're recovering or care that you aren't getting any sleep because you're breast feeding. Ask him. I bet he expects you to stick to the same routine when you first get home from the hospital.

I think you need to do something drastic. If you can, I'd suggest you go move in with your parents or a close friend for a few days. At 7 months pregnant, you need someone who will take care of you for a bit. See if a couple of days apart knocks some sense into him.

Whatever you do, do NOT risk your health or the baby's health to do laundry just to prove to him that you're not lazy. Fuck that. Do the chores that you can safely and reasonably do. Hire someone, send your laundry out, or ask friends for help with that and the other stuff. Don't get caught in the trap of acting like a martyr and risking your health to prove him wrong.

My emotionally abusive ex husband said nearly exactly the same words to me when I was 5.5 months pregnant with triplets. I ended up hospitalised for three days and on severe bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy because I was over exerting myself. He never apologised or even referred to it ever again and when I was leaving him (it took me another 3.5 years of being treated worse and worse) I asked him about it & he said he “didn’t remember” that and why was that all I could think of even though we’d had such good times as well.
I’m so sorry OP but I don’t think yours is going to get better either. Last ditch effort would be taking him to an OBGYN appointment and having the doctor explain to him why he needs to listen to you about this, but frankly I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t bother.

Wow your husband is a child! Honestly, your husband is not going to be able to see reason because he is incredibly selfish. I think your only options are to deal with it and maybe hire a cleaner (as someone suggested above) or raise the baby by yourself. I would raise the child by myself as I wouldn’t want my child looking at the unhealthy dynamic you have with your partner, and your partner is just weighing you down.

I would normally suggest couples therapy but this guy is sending you a huge flashing neon red sign that he doesn't care about your health and well being, or that you're building a new human inside you. He's then doubling down to PUNISH you for daring to voice your needs and ask for change.

He doesn't love you. A man who loved you would listen to you and talk about how to compromise so things are fair and your health is taken care of.

Do you want to raise your child with this guy? Really? Do you want him to be the example your child sees of how a father and husband behaves?

You will be better off as a single mother than trying to make it work with him. If you can, pack your bags and go move back in with your parents and talk to a lawyer about divorce. He is NOT worth trying to "make it work" with.

While I was pregnant, I was basically an invalid. I was vomiting daily (and ALWAYS nauseous 24/7), had a nasty heart condition pop up that sent me to the ER early on, nearly passed out constantly, and in the third trimester had weekly doctor's appointments. I was on driving restriction due to the fainting and I was completely unable to work, so I had to go on extended medical leave. It was a good day if I made it out of bed.

My husband did everything. He cooked. He cleaned. He worked full-time. He went grocery shopping. He took me to those appointments. He drove me to the ER more than once. He woke up at 3 AM on a Monday and stayed in the hospital for a week when the baby finally arrived.

I legitimately don't know what I would have done without him. Your husband got it wrong - you aren't using the pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy, he's using it as an excuse to be a whiny, childish brat.

Once the baby's here, he's going to have to contribute more than he is now. Babies increase your workload times 1,000, and they don't understand if you need time off. Is your husband planning to increase the amount of work he does, or is he just going to let you handle it? OK, sure, your mom is coming to help you out. But what about when she leaves at 8 weeks postpartum or so, and your husband is the only help you have with a 2-month-old?

I really don't know what to say, other than any problems you have now will be magnified significantly once the baby is here. Are you prepared to be a single parent? Because that's where this is going, whether you stay married to him or not. You two need professional counseling. If that doesn't work, I suggest adding another chore to your list: taking out the trash. And no, not the kind in your garbage bin.

Everyone is writing about your relationship but I want to make sure the most important thing is addressed. Do not take on chores that are not positive for the pregnancy. Wear dirty clothes or pay the neighbor kid to flip the laundry and have a healthy kiddo and no long-standing physical damage to your body.

Your priority for the next few months is to keep yourself healthy for the baby. At all costs.

I don’t know what to suggest about how to fix your relationship, but let the house fall down around you, with your feet up and a cup of herbal tea in your hand, if that’s what your body tells you it needs.

Nah, in the US most cheeses are pasteurized, so if you live here you can safely eat most soft/fresh cheeses (and at least where I live, raw milk is a selling point so it’s usually very clearly marked). Lots of herbal teas are also safe unless you’re chugging gallons of them, but it’s always a good idea to look at the ingredients. Caffeine is considered ok up to 200mg/day, so you do not have to fully give up coffee/tea (but that’s still
not a lot - 1-2 cups of drip coffee).

He wants his pregnant wife to get on all fours and scrub his toilet? What a total asshole. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. My wife is currently pregnant and suffering and I wouldn't ever want her to do anything remotely strenuous or dirty. I have picked up ALOT of slack and it's tiring but it's my job to take care of our home and her when she cannot.

Your wife is a very lucky woman. It's posts like this that remind me there are still empathetic, caring people out there somewhere. I only wish my husband had been like you when I was pregnant, or ever. Our home is not his problem, and if I don't do the household chores, nobody will.

So, if you gods forbid get injured or develop a debilitating illness, what is going to happen? Your husband sounds selfish and like he is severely lacking in both empathy and in ability to actually do his duty as a partner.

There is something very, very wrong with someone who sees a 7 month pregnant lady struggling to do things and casts that as "laziness".

I totally agree. I developed a chronic illness while pregnant with my son, and my husband did NOT step up and help. 15 years later nothing has changed. He works, but has never done anything to help me or our household, other than occasionally roll the trash dumpster back from the curb... only make messes in the house. I can foresee OP's husband headed in this direction. I've asked him if I wasn't around someday (I think he took it as if I was meaning I died, but I really meant if I divorced him), how would all his laundry etc. get done, and he says "I guess I'd have to do it". Well then...

I'd inform my husband that you are not going to be raising two children. He needs to grow up and act like a man instead of a petulant child. I can only imagine how disrespect like this is going to manifest the next 18 years for your child if he doesn't change.

I'm sorry this comment won't have much useful advice for you, but I am also pregnant and if my husband we're acting like such a huge baby I would probably be very close to aborting him.

Kudos to you for keeping everything together. This man is over 30 and can't seem to understand that you are doing something physically difficult, I can only imagine how awful he is going to be once he realizes how much time and effort raising a baby/child is.

This is directed more at the general audience reading through these responses and less at the OP because let’s face it, unfortunately it sounds like it’s already too late for her, but THIS is why you choose a life partner who is an adult and decent human being and not a self-centered child. Someone may be good looking, charismatic, have lots of money, etc., but if they’re a POS none of that matters in an extended relationship and especially when it comes to raising a child. As a NICU dad who has been supportive and taken on at least half of the duties since day 1 I can assure you that based on the many horror stories I heard from nurses and other NICU parents, choosing the right life partner is one of the most important decisions you can ever make. It just amazes me how many people make awful decisions about this that they later regret, but then again the divorce rate speaks for itself. Marry a good person and you’ll find that when push comes to shove they’ll have your back and you won’t have to worry about petty BS like arguing about chores at 7 months pregnant.

Well I'm a dude and I cannot fucking even begin to fathom doing this to my wife/partner. He's going to let chores fall behind because his PREGNANT WIFE can't handle the work load. That's a scumbag move if I ever heard one.

I think it also shows a fundamental distrust of you. I mean he doesn't believe you that you can't handle as much even though you're seven months pregnant? And you're using it as an "excuse" to get out of doing chores? I mean, Jesus Christ, is there any way he could trust you less?

Honestly, you’re pregnant now and can’t deal with this. Can you move into where your mom lives and have the baby there? Or ask your mom to move in earlier?

Separately, you can hire a housekeeper. You can also schedule an appt with your doctor and make your husband come
So he can learn a little bit of biology and what you HAVE to go thru to give birth to HIS child. And it’s much more work and a lot less enjoyable than the 45 seconds he took.

So has mine. I have issued a lawyer's letter to vacate my house. Really. If someone doesn't pull their weight and clean up after themselves you are better off without them. It will be worse needing help when you have a baby and no help is forthcoming. Ultimatum.

you need to get to therapy with him right now. Also there’s a book called- how to not hate your husband after kids by Jancee Dunn.

But if my partner was just feeling sick and said bending over hurt I would switch chores with them. In fact I would probably tell them to go lie down and tell them not to worry about it til they felt better and then I’d bring them soup and start webmding that shit. So the fact that he is refusing to help you, or compromise, or even listen to a doctor’s advice while you are carrying his first child— that’s just fucked up. Something is wrong with him. He needs therapy right now.

OP: congratulations on your baby. I'm sorry about what you are dealing with. I don't agree with all the posts that are a) either blaming you for being involved with him or b) screaming Divorce!--which is a really, really easy word ro write and absolutely hell to go through, especially if you love the person, as i think you do. You came for advice and I am going to do my best. First, how would your husband react to counseling? I think, if what you say is true that this is totally a surprise for you, that something else is going on here. Maybe all the changes are beginning to make your husband feel afraid and he's acting in response to that. He is definately doing so wrongly, but this clearly can't go unaddressed. Becoming a parent, having his whole life suddenly change is huge. Maybe the chores thing was an easy thing to latch onto and to try to refuse to change. Not an excuse. Just thinking it out.

I suggest that therapy might help. Do you have any friends who have young children? Other fathers in his life? Anyone who could help him express what is really going on here and get back to taking care of his wife and soon-to-be child?

Is there anywhere you could go to stay? I do not mean trying to leave him over this. I do mean though that he needs a wake up call. If he isn't going to take care of you, is there somewhere you can go that will provide what you needs? When he asks why you are doing that, explain you feel overwhelmed by everything being undone and that you need help.

I think that time may get you guys past this. Please don't listen to all the dooms doomsayers condemning your marriage. Only you guys can make that call and right now isn't the time anyway. You are growing a life and you deserve to focus on that. Best of luck

My ex was the same way. He also thought I didn’t need any extra sleep. Apparently there are men out there who don’t understand the impact of growing a baby inside of you.

Your husband sounds selfish. Please get a piece of paper and write the following bullet points on it: Ex-husband, counseling, and agreed with husband. read every one of the comments, plus the responses to comments. As you read, make a mark next to the corresponding bulletin point.
When you’re finished, look at what your results are.
My guess: many husbands are like this, counseling doesn’t help, now divorced.

I’m in that group. I hope counseling helps with yours, because it sucks raising a family on your own.

Pardon my French, but you’re cooking a goddamned human life. He should be doing all the chores, damn it, and not being a whiny child. Let him deal with the nausea and weight gain and insomnia and giant beachball belly that prevents you from seeing your feet, let alone getting down on the floor to clean the bathroom. What kind of jerk complains about chores and goes on strike while his partner is pregnant?

I have slept less than 12 hours in the last week. I have barely eaten, but have managed to keep our house tidy (with some help from visitors,) parent my two active and crazy boys, and take care of my husband. Literally lifting him from his bed/chair into a wheelchair, emptying his colostomy (poo) and urostomy (pee) bags multiple times a day. Shaved his face and sponge-bathe him daily, bring whatever meager amounts of food he can consume and then bring him a plastic bag to vomit it all back up into. Then wash his face and help him brush his teeth, and generally do whatever i can to lovingly care for him in his final days. He’s 34. We’ve been married 11 years and together for 13. He’s taken care of me and the last 3 years, I’ve taken care of him, the house, and our kids full time.

All that to say your husband is being a selfish child. He has no idea how good he’s got it, and shouldn’t squander away his relationship with you over a petulant thing he can actually DO something about. My husband was freaking Superman. What I wouldn’t give to argue with him about laundry and dishes again. Best of luck to you. Hopefully he can see where he can swoop in and save the day, so to speak, and fix his attitude pronto.

I don’t know what to say. There are no words to express how deeply sorry I am for what you and your husband and family are going through. I’m glad he is being so lovingly cared for... he must feel so beloved and cherished. But how difficult this must be for you both—I cannot imagine. I am so sorry.

I bet he was a caretaker kind of person... people who spend their lives making sure their loved ones are happy and okay often wait to die until people are out of the room, to spare them. I used to volunteer with hospice and I heard that from so many nurses. It was one last loving gift from him to you and his family.

And you took the time when you were dealing with so much, to reach out to someone else in need. So you're a caretaker too. You must have been so proud of each other.

I am so sorry. I'll be thinking of you and your family and hoping you're doing as well as can be expected. What a horrible loss, so young, and such a wonderful person. It's shattering.

I'm 17 so don't take my word for it but maybe tell him that FAIRNESS DOESN'T MEAN EVERYONE DOES THE SAME THINGS ALL THE TIME. FAIRNESS MEANS EVERYONE DOES WHAT THEY CAN, AND GET WHAT THEY NEED.

You're about to become a mother, you deserve the opportunity to use these months to prepare for it without your family being a ball in your foot. And more importantly, you NEED physical rest and a stress free environment. Pregnancy isn't an excuse, it's a legitimate reason.

Don't compromise on what you need. You asked him nicely, you tried to find middle ground, and he's being immature (honestly, I'm a literal kid myself, I recognize my people). Your husband needs to put whatever he's annoyed about aside, because this kind of changing and compromising isn't going to go away.

Some guys here are suggesting you leave him and I guess that's a bit drastic, assuming that other things are working out fine for you two. But definitely don't let this slide, he needs to pick up his responsibilities (not just the chores, but also listening and compromising) BEFORE he has an actual baby in his hands.

Aww, someone is grumpy he isn't going to be the baby at home anymore :_(

You need to drag his dumb ass to couples counseling immediately. If he won't take care of essential chores now because he "doesn't like them", he's going to be completely useless when it comes to caring for and parenting his own children. He needs to get that shit straight right now, before he has a baby that relies on him utterly for it's survival.

I don’t know exactly how your relationship is with your husband but I can tell you that my father made my mother do her chores through out her second pregnancy. This resulted in her washing the windows when she was 9 months pregnant. She stopped feeling her son move while cleaning those windows - while doing her chores. He ended up being stillborn. Who the hell expects a women to wash the windows when they are 9 months pregnant!!!!!

She got pregnant with me a few months later - I don’t know how my dad treated her during my pregnancy but I did come early. She finally left him when I was 2.

What I am getting at... is don’t risk your baby’s health or your own in order to keep up with his demands of you. If he is this bad now he won’t be any better after that baby is born. He will probably be worse. Do what other posters have suggested - make him go to therapy or leave him. In fact I would suggest going to a friends/family members place for a while either way.

And remember - it is easier to raise a child as a single mother than it is to take care of that child AND your husband.

So, let me ask you:
Regardless of your personal experience, if your friend came up to you, pregnant, and asked you if it was OK for her husband to not want to switch "bathroom cleaning" with "cooking", what would you say?

I know this is your life, and a real issue for you. But seriously? Regardless of judgement, you've reached the point in your life where you're 7 months pregnant and asking internet strangers if it's OK for your husband to go on a chore strike.

Come. The. Fuck. On.

I don't know you, but you're smarter than this. I have to hope you are, at least.

Buy or rent one of those bellies that men wear to understand what pregnancy is like. Have him do one load of laundry, the bathroom and his normal chores in the belly. Maybe that will give some perspective.

But honestly? He’s a douche and I don’t know what you can do about it besides refusing to give in. Don’t do his laundry and don’t cook meals for him.

Buy or rent one of those bellies that men wear to understand what pregnancy is like. Have him do one load of laundry, the bathroom and his normal chores in the belly. Maybe that will give some perspective.

In nursing school in maternity class, they make the kids all wear those pregnancy bellies. It sure gives them a whole new appreciation for pregnant mothers. I would highly recommend this for all men who have a pregnant wife - especially the ones who are lacking in empathy.

Chore strike lol I remember I tried pulling this shit when I was about 11 after watching teachers strike on the 6pm news. Got my ass whooped with a jandal and was back to scrubbing dishes before the segment was over. You should do the same. Take away his N64 too if you really wanna teach the bastard a lesson.

Did he accompany to the prenatal checkups? Ask him to come with and ask the doctor the the same questions. Or tell the doctor ahead of time and ask the doctor to tell him. Most men are more open to suggestions offered by doctors.

Right now, the immediate-term problem is that you need to not do chores. That can hurt you and your baby. If your husband is refusing to do chores, you need to (a) move in with family that can help you; or (b) hire someone to do the chores. Depending on whether you’ve got more family or more money, you can do either one. Don’t hurt yourself to accommodate him.

Long-term, if he continues to refuse to do his fair share of the housework and baby care once the baby is born, you can make whatever decision will give you the most peace of mind. But that’s not the right-now problem. The right-now problem is that you don’t have any clean clothes because you can’t do laundry. That needs to be solved first.

Btw, there’s a service called Rinse that I used when I was pregnant and immediately postpartum; they pick up your laundry and then deliver it washed and folded. It’s expensive as hell, but that’s the only thing that gave us clean clothes when I was incapacitated.

Oh my fucking god. You're cooking a baby in your stomach and having to deal with an adult one, too? I'm so sorry. Was he there when the doctor told you that? If not, I'd have the doctor set him straight. Maybe someone from that position of authority will get through this tantrum. That said, counseling for you two might be in order... more so that he can grow up.

The two times my wife was pregnant , I needed to pick up the slack. It just was what it was. She was taking on the health risks of a pregnancy, she was going to push an entire human out her birthing canal and I was just going to watch. I could handle a little hire increase.

My wife also went through a rough 2 months of constant headaches. At first I thought she was milking it and then I became really concerned she would never get better. The headaches eventually went away. But for a time I was a single father of two and doing all the chores.

Recently I have been working nights and my wife has been doing a ton of the chores that I used to be able to do.

Sometimes life throws shit at you. He needs to suck it up for a few months and do the fucking chores. I’m really sorry this is his attitude toward you. It’s one thing to complain and gripe while you are forced to do everything for a while, it’s another to just refuse to do it altogether.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Something is seriously wrong with your husband’s mind.

I’m 9 weeks preggo with our first kid and my husband won’t let me lift ANYTHING. He’s been incredibly understanding of me feeling tired or sick and has turned into SuperDad - cleaning, cooking, doting on me, bringing me my prenatal pill when the alarm goes off. I’m saying this not to brag, but to open your eyes to what a supportive partner looks like.

You should demand couples coinciding and perhaps go stay with a friend or family until your husband-child sees the error in his ways.

Sounds a lot like my ex-husband. It only got worse from there. I was "useless" if I dared ask him for help with anything, whether it was with a child or housework or errand. I don't know that there is a way to make him understand to be honest. It's totally unreasonable and you literally can't reason with someone like that.

He is a child. I am currently in my 9th month of pregnancy (3 weeks til I am due!). I have organized all the baby things throughout my pregnancy with little input from the husband. Not easy work on top of making a baby.

I do what I can in our chore split, and to be honest I wasnt always the best even before pregnancy and my husband has never loved that about me ... so with pregnancy I am not particularly better now. It does suck for him that he may have to do more now but he is taking it pretty well. An occasional sigh but stuff gets done.

Your husband is definitely reacting in a very childlike way. I can tell my husband doesnt absolutely love picking up the extra chores or taking care of me or doing things I cant do but he still does the things that need to be done and doesnt complain too much. He even offers with things he knows are or might be difficult for me. That is what you want and need in a partner and someone who you raise children with. Your husband sounds more like a child/roommate. He sees it as unfair he needs to change chores with you? Well life isnt fair. It isnt fair you have to donate your body to produce his child. If everything had to be fair all the time, you both would need to split the cost of a surrogate.

Edit: My husband wanted to chime in and say 1. Men and women are different 2. Women can become pregnant 3. Pregnancy makes some regular tasks more difficult 4. Marriage is a partnership where you do what you need to to support your family and the household as a whole. 5. Suck it up buttercup, life is not fair.

He is a child. I am currently in my 9th month of pregnancy (3 weeks til I am due!). I have organized all the baby th oi ngs throughout mybpregnancy with little input from him. Not easy work on top of making a baby.

Wow, husband of the year. Seriously, you don't do chores because you like them, you do them because they need to be done. What an awful response. Talk to him, or even take him to the doctor with you. I think being shout at by a doctor may leave an impression. On the other hand, it is a red flag for the future of the relationship.

DEAR. GOD. This pisses me off so much, I’m sorry he’s being such an arse hole. It’s so disappointing to hear of a man who has no clue and no sympathy for their heavily pregnant wife. I find this upsetting as I could barely walk my feet were so swollen. They used to go purple and I had terrible sleepless nights. My midwife offered a cervix sweep purely on the basis that my feet were so bad just to get the pregnancy over and done with. If I had no support I would’ve been genuinely devastated and questioning the relationship. I have no idea how you get through to him to be honest. Is he planning an not doing the chores while you are looking after the baby too? Possibly recovering from giving birth if it is a difficult one (ie a c section?) Maybe you’re going to breastfeed? You need 100% support with that decision. This is all more concerning to me for you.

I'm 8 months pregnant with my third kid. I want to scream irrationally in your husband's stupid face. At this point, just picking something up that's below waist level is daunting. With every step it feels like I have a sewing needle lodged in my crotch and my feet are so swollen by the end of the day that my skin aches from the stretching.

And he's not going to take any time off after the baby comes? Do you have a husband or a roommate?

What a terrible time for you to have to be thinking about something like chore distribution! Sorry you're in this position.

This sounds bizarre; is he normally a bit immature or unreasonable in other areas of your relationship? Or would you say this took you by surprise? Because if he's normally unreasonable then it's probably something for the two of you to work on together or in counselling, but if this is unusual for him my best guess would be that he's stressed about the reality of how much work he's going to have to do when the baby is born, and this situation in particular might have made him really consider the fact that there's likely to be extra work for him while you're heavily pregnant/recovering from childbirth.

Of course it's not appropriate for him to expect his heavily pregnant wife to be doing an equal amount of housework, and going on chore strike would not be a mature way to deal with his objections even if they were valid. It's a horrible position for you to be in while you're trying to prepare for the arrival of your baby. But if he's not normally like this I would try giving him the benefit of the doubt and assume it's stress talking, and have a gentle, non-accusatory conversation with him that might look something like, "hey husband, I was thinking about our chore situation, and I was thinking that from your perspective, me not being able to do as many chores might be kind of terrifying with the baby coming soon, because you're probably already pretty concerned about how much work it's going to be, and this might have made you even more worried about how much responsibility there might be on you in the last months of my pregnancy, and while I'm recovering from childbirth," and just see what he has to say. Even if that's completely wrong, sometimes people respond really well if they can see you've tried hard to understand how they feel. It could just be a conversation to try if you haven't already!

I’m not sure how close you are to your mil or fil but how about asking them to help since their son won’t help you out? Or maybe hiring someone to come and clean your house, you should not be straining yourself and he should be ashamed of himself for not wanting to help out.

I would let the chores go, at one point in my household things got a little one sided, so I started doing my own laundry and cooking for myself. After awhile my SO got the hint and started working together. If he’s not going to help, then he’s on his own.

Assuming that you want to stay with this complete donkey's ass of a man, I'd sit him down and explain that keeping the house that you both live in clean and livable isn't a punishment. There's a whiff of "I'm only doing these chores under duress anyway because that's YOUR job woman!" to this that makes my skin crawl, personally, but again, assuming you want to stay with him...

Do you work? I'd suggest using some money to pay a cleaning lady or dude! My BF and I pay an amazing gal $130 every three weeks to clean our 1200 sq foot townhouse. We were just joking yesterday that we're like "the house is messy, I hope Charlene's coming soon!" heh. We agreed that weekends are for having fun or making money at our jobs, not spent with our head in the toilet scrubbing or sweeping cat hair from under the dining room table!

SO MANY marriages would be saved with this simple tip. It's like usually $100 or so a month, for someone to clean your home top to bottom. You just keep up with either special projects or daily tidying. It's an investment. You're paying someone for more time.

Women are not born with "the cleaning gene". They're generally just bigger people pleasers than men and are taught "you must make a good home and keep him happy, that's your job!".

He doesn't respect you or care about your health or the health of your baby. Even if you get him to come around on scrubbing the bathroom, his attitude toward chores needs a complete overhaul. How do you think he'll react once your mother is gone and you ask him to change a diaper? Is he going to do more chores when you're up every two hours to feed the baby? I'm sorry, but men who are willing to sacrifice their partner's health and happiness so they can have more free time are garbage.

You need to sit down your husband and tell him that you are not taking his shit, he needs to pull himself together because you really need his help and that it won't be over the minute the baby is born because it takes time for the body to heal (just in case, start putting this tought in his mind).

Some men devolve into babies when their partner is expecting, it can be a coping mechanism for they are afraid of the changes a newborn will bring about in the household and in the relationship. If he was never this self-centered and petty, you may want to consider this is a possibility and reassure him that you guys will be fine after the initial period. However if he usually behave this way, you need to put you foot down or consider leaving him because caring for a child is hard enough without an adult-baby resenting you.

The truth? Prepare for single motherhood because even if you stay married, he won't be much help. Sure, there are things he could do to improve, but he has to want to do them. You won't even have time to worry about that once baby arrives though. You will hardly have time to eat or sleep, let alone deal with complex relationship issues. I predict he will spend less and less time at home as he realizes that it actually is ton of work. He doesn't want to do the work and I doubt that will change.

If I were you, I'd give an ultimatum. Either he gets his ass into gear before baby arrives or he moves the hell out before baby. And before some idiot bro comes at me saying I am too hasty to say leave, just don't. There is a helpless infant's happiness and health on the line. If a man can't be selfless in that circumstance, he is not worthy of the title of husband or father. Sticking your dick in someone makes you a sperm donor. A father knows he is a already a father when his wife is pregnant. She already needs help to parent and he is already dropping the ball. Being a deadbeat should be a dealbreaker, so spare me the "everyone should stay together forever" b.s.

Every father to be needs some counseling about what to expect. Does he have any father friends or maybe his own father to give him a gentle kick in the ass? How is he going to cope when the baby comes?

I am overdue with my second child. My husband is up every night with our toddler, going to work, doing the lion's share of the chores, and insisting on me getting rest during the day because we know one of these days I'm gonna need to run a marathon and then recover. I'm doing what I can: making sure we have dinner, folding the laundry, etc, but when I need to get off my feet, he's taking over. This is normal for late pregnancy: things are harder and slower for you, so a supportive partner puts in more effort to help. I'm so sorry your husband is such a jerk.

Just a word from an experienced mom: my first time around, I was so pumped up and nervous for the labour. I was like, that is the hard part and once that done it'll be easy street!

In reality, my long hard labour was actually the easy part and recovery/sleep deprivation/breastfeeding/intense-hormones-crashing-sobbing-mood-swings was harder than I ever could have imagined. You'll need a lot of support for a couple of months after baby comes. It looks like it's not going to come from your husband so you might want to start making other arrangements for help and survival.

Did he want to have a child? Does he go to any of your doctors appointments? This is crazy to me. I’m 27F and my husband is 26M and he works and I stay at home. This is our first kid and I’m 24 weeks pregnant and if I had a hard day or get tired he tells me to lay down and rest. He bring laundry to me so I don’t have to pick it up and Carry it up and down stairs and I fold it on the bed. I still do most of the house work but if I ask for help he helps me. You have a long journey ahead of you.

It's stunning to me how common this issue is not just here but with people I know and how often it fucks up relationships. While I'm single now, I could never imagine not doing my fair share of housework in any of the relationships where I've lived with someone else.

It's baffling to me how it cuts across politics too. One of the most liberal/progressive guys I know (at least in terms of how he votes, what he reads, his posturing, bumper stickers, etc.) recently got divorced and his refusal to do housework or other types of things was a big factor (though not the only one) from what I understand; I'm good friends with his now ex-wife too so I heard a lot of details. She owns her own small business and works more hours per week than he does and makes more money but was supposed to also handle everything else too regarding their house, their yard, vehicle maintenance, etc. Apparently he devolved into saying shit like "aren't you supposed to take care of that?" and the like after they married. He would just come, open a beer, and play video games even after she gave him multiple ultimatums.

I think I benefited from my socialization: My dad worked non-traditional hours as a professor (except for a few years where he was chair of his department), so he would do a lot of cleaning in the morning when my mom was already gone (she had to be up super early usually) and I was getting ready for school. It definitely set a good example.

Well sounds like you are going to have TWO toddlers to take care of soon.

You are not out of line asking to change up household chores. And you may want to have a long discussion about how the two of you raise your child together and handle all the childcare tasks. Sounds like he is about ready to dump the whole thing on you.

Is the the first selfish behavior from husband? Or is he consistantly selfish, rigid, and abusive towards you? If his chore strike is just one more act in a series of selfish behaivior then you may want to seriously consider how you move forward raising a child with this man. If it is totally unlike his usual behavior you may want to persue couples counseling with him. Having a kid is a major life change and he may be freaking out about it.

A man should love his wife . Love is never about you but the other person. So a man job is to do whatever he has to to protect and provide for you and your child. I really believe you should be excused from all chores while your pregnant. Bc your main focus is carrying that child. I would talk to his mom his sister his Aunt his cousin ( female) . No sexual favors and no sleeping in same bed . Give him two weeks to get it together and if he still don't shape up put icy hot in his underwear.

Nothing I can add that slrwadh hasn't been covered by everyone below, but man, I hope your husband reads this and realizes what an epic shit bag he's being. Why would you have to convince him to do take care of shit around the house anyway? What is he, 10 years old? Is he your partner, or your whiny brat first child? Counseling, op, and if he won't change - divorce. Make sure you let all his friends and family know he wants a 7 mo pregnant woman on her hands and knees scrubbing the fucking floor.

I don’t have too much advice because I don’t think your husband will even try to change, but I think it’d be funny if you strapped one of those pregnancy simulation weight thingys onto his stomach and made him try all the chores he’s forcing you to do.

You're going to have two children in the house in 2 months. Do you have family or friends you could stay with the last two months of your pregnancy? You should be around someone who is willing to help you, not have temper tantrums.

But to be honest, if I were you, I'd divorce him and go no contact. Meaning he'd have nothing to do with the child. A person who acts like that should not be having and raising children.

What does he want? A doctors note? Did you marry an entry level manager with a power streak? Anyone who's done time in the trenches of McDonalds (etc.) knows the type. The one who clocks you out 20 minutes after close but still makes you do an hour more of cleaning. The one who has no issue with making a sick person handle food. The type that barks "If you have time to lean you HAVE TIME TO CLEAN."

First place my mind went with this level of pig headed assholeism. Except 100x worse because it's in your own home you can't clock out of from your partner who's supposed to love, support, and comfort you in general but treating you badly because you're literally being temporarily disabled from pregnancy.

Hire a housekeeper. That's not going to help with your man-baby husband, but it will help you. It's difficult enough for you now and is only going to get worse, especially after the baby is born and you're having no help with the child either.

Well, this is HORRIBLE and the kind of thing that, if this marriage is going to work at all, needs to be forcefully nipped in the bud. Stay with your parents and insist on marriage counseling before moving back in.

Are you religious at all? Many churches offer new relationship classes for free or cheap. It was advertised for new relationships, but most couples there just needed some help. In 3 classes they managed to explain to my husband that relationships are not 50/50 split. They are divided like a jig saw puzzle and never even. And that's ok, that's normal. My husband was the same way while I was pregnant. I did everything while he complained about paying $10 more dollars on a bill than mine, stupid stuff. I'm not exactly sure why it worked for my husband and I, probably because he was raised religious (he never had a decent roll model growing up, I don't think he understood he should help out) we had a major life change, I had a good job and paid most bills, he took care of kids. But then I became very ill and had to quit. He went back to work and took over, begrudgingly. We still had issues, but he's open to communication now and doesn't shut me down. Relationship classes are a really wonderful tool if you can.

He is being pretty selfish and I hope for the 3 of yoy that he has a change in attitude soon, but instead of doing all the work yourself is it within your means to get a house keeper to help? I just think you don't need the stress of being pregnant AND fighting with your husband AND cleaning too.

He is being a baby and refusing to do chores, so you have two choices: 1. Do all the chores yourself or 2. Leave until he comes to his senses.

I strongly urge you do 2. You cannot physically do all the chores, nor should you! Is there someone you can stay with for a few days? Preferably someone who will pamper you a little, like a mom or close friend. Maybe being alone will help him decide to be more reasonable about the chores. Or maybe not, who knows. Either way it doesn’t sound like a healthy or mature atmosphere for you to be in right now.

Your husband seems fucking immature. How did you even manage to stay with him for 6 years? I suggest you to get him to visit the doctor with you and have the doctor talk to him. It honestly baffles me how your husband can think like that.

Marriage counselling, stat. It’s baffling that he doesn’t want to help his PREGNANT WIFE, especially as she is physically unable to do certain chores. Your idea of swapping chores was good - has he given a logical reason for not wanting to swap? Or he literally just doesn’t like the chores you do?
I bet you don’t like dealing with all the pains and limitations of pregnancy, but you have to. He has the easier role in all of this, he could at least help you out.

Here’s what I’d do:
I’d sit him down and explain to him how pregnancy works - how your stomach gets bigger and it gets in the way of certain activities and makes things more difficult. Explain to him that you’re carrying HIS child (as well as yours) and if he wants you to continue to have a healthy and safe pregnancy then the chores need to be swapped. Maybe you’ll even have to explain that it’s not forever and you can resume your normal tasks after the pregnancy.

If that doesn’t work, take him with you to a doctor and have the doctor explain it to him and explain that they asked you not to do a much activity.
and if those things don’t work get him one of those baby bumps that simulate pregnancies and have him do your chores for a couple days and see how “it’s just an excuse”

WTF???! This is a time when your husband should be doing everything he can to support you, maybe bring him to your Dr appointments so he can hear the doctor say you need to be taking less on and how hard being pregnant is on your body. Oh yah, and you can always remind him that YOURE GROWING A FREAKING HUMAN BEING!!!

Omg what a douche
Don’t do stuff you can’t
Do you both have joint account or separate
If joint hire a cleaner and pay from joint account.. if he says no, hire a cleaner to do just your chores from your own account.. baby’s safety relies on you staying healthy and not taking extra stress.

I would be tearing him a new one over this AND going on my own "chores" strike. You do nothing from now on. You are growing a person and doing stuff could seriously harm this delicate little person inside you, his feelings or petulance is totally irrelevant when it could potentially threaten the well being of his child. If he doesn't like it, fuck him, he's being even lazier by trying to pawn this shit off on his heavily pregnant wife. Maybe not full on divorce territory yet, but holy Christ, hard boundary and let him spin his useless wheels getting his dumb head around the fact that he needs to do these things because they need to be done and you can't do them.

I’m so sorry your going through this. I don’t have any advise. Just virtual hugs and for you to know that you aren’t alone. Maybe the chores aren’t the root cause of what’s going on. Maybe fear of upcoming baby, feeling out of control and the only thing he feels he can control is the chores.

Do you have anyone you could go to for a bit, maybe longer? I honestly would tell him straight out that you are about to have a baby in the house and will not under any circumstances be dealing with a second. Explain to him flat out that this is in no way how a marriage works, you were told by your doctor not to do certain things, and you know that it’s a struggle to do the chores you usually do, switching chores is the best choice at this time, and he should be able to see that. At first I felt I was being harsh when I typed this out, but honestly this would be a HUGE dealbreaker for me. Do you really think it’s going to be easy raising a child with someone who refuses to compromise on this level, then continues to behave like this over something as simple as switching chores, not even having to take on more, simply switching chores to accommodate the person carrying around a baby inside of them? What’s going to happen when he decides he doesn’t have to help you at night when you haven’t slept for 72 hours? If he doesn’t want to take his ‘shift’ because he’s tired? Whats going to happen if he decides to refuse to do any parenting at all because he doesn’t feel like it and believes it’s your job? What are you going to do if he doesn’t feel like being a parent to the kid you made together? If he’s not willing to apologize and switch things up for the minor inconvenience of making sure his wife doesn’t get hurt while pregnant with his child is take some time to think about what kind of parent he’s likely to be. I do however agree with one of the commenters on here, if it’s not possible to get away from him for a while, let the entire house fall down around you if it’ll keep you and the baby healthy, he’s being downright selfish and childish and he needs to see that.

What the actual fuck? Doesn't he care about you and his child's well-being? Does he want to see you go into premature labor while he's sitting on the couch watching Netflix instead of helping you out? He cares more about keeping score than he does about his family and doing what's right! If he's like this now, how's he going to be after the baby gets here? I'm sorry, but his behavior is unacceptable. I got angry for you just reading this. You should be angry too.

Your husband's behaviour is frankly disturbing, and I think you should sit him and down and be very blunt. If that doesn't work I suggest taking him with you to your ob-gyn who should be able to confirm the fact that you need to take it easy. I would also suggest a spot of couple's counselling because once the baby is born, this isn't going to end. There are going to more chores, more things to do and your husband needs to understand that; especially during the first 4-5 years of the child's life, you are going to be more hands-on with the child than he is, which means that he would need to take care of the house a bit more. I hope he understands and things get better. Take care of yourself, please don't overwork yourself, it isn't good for both you and the baby. Eat well, and try not to get too stressed.

Oh my god you're married to a child who's mother babied him. Set firm boundaries with him. He obviously doesn't understand what pregnancy is like. If he's shitty now, what's going to happen when you actually give birth and a child?.... what will happen if one day you get very sick in the future and he doesn't want to do his "chores". That's another problem. He seems them as simple chores instead of BEING AN ADULT AND TAKING CARE OF HIS HOUSE.

Go to couples counseling if needed. Honestly if he doesn't fix or step up, you shouldn't stay married to this man child because you will eventually resent him more and more.

Incase you don’t end up switching, to make things easier on yourself, you can do the laundry while standing up. I do this all the time. Also pregnant (but do this when not pregnant). I bring the basket of clean clothes to the living room where I do laundry and put it on one of the side tables. I then put everything for my son on one side of the couch (on the headrest), put my husbands things on another side. And mine on the other. Then I put them away accordingly. No bending down required.

I do think he should do the bathrooms. I mean I’m still doing the bathrooms but Your situation could be a little different. As far as floor goes, you can use a swiffer or something similar or you can get a floor rag and put Lysol and Clorox (what I use. You can use whatever) and step on it with both feet and walk around all areas cleaning it. The toilet might not be that hard to bend over slightly to do. The tub though, he can compromise on that for sure.

This isn’t me saying he shouldn’t just switch. This is just offering another alternative bc there is other ways do the same things.

What kind of man child did you marry? Maybe you should remind him that if he doesn't want to support you when you're incubating his spawn then he can find his way out. What kind of piece of trash does that especially when you tried to discuss it before it became an issue. At the very least he lacks empathy and how good of a father can he really be if he can't even empathise with his pregnant wife?

Wow, just wow. I am a guy and if my wife asked me this, I would do it in a heartbeat. Any person with common sense knows that being pregnant is a very difficult and painful process.

Ladies: Why do you all marry men like this ? I know "Nice Guys" are unattractive, but can't you all marry a "badass" that turns into a "nice guy" when reasonable? I feel like it is one of those times where you are talking to a friend (that is a girl) and she goes on about how her boyfriend/husband is shitty, but still remains with him because the thought of them being single for one day terrifies them.

I wonder if there's something else going on with him as well, and this is partly him expressing his frustration with something like, for instance, sex life dropping off during pregnancy. You need to sit down and heart-to-heart with him, and be sure to be really examining your own feelings and calling your own BS at the same time. Which is hard to do and is why a counselor would help.

To be completely blunt, your husband sucks. Any 36 year old man who unironically says "you're using the pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy" to his wife who is simply asking to do *different chores* (not even LESS chores! just DIFFERENT chores!) is a jerk beyond repair in my eyes. You can take him to your doctor and have him explain that those chores aren't suitable for pregnancy... You can take him to therapy and hope that he starts to empathize more... But honestly, the fact that he doesn't even believe you in the first place shows a major lack of respect and empathy. It's a well-known *objective fact* that pregnancies are extremely difficult for most women, and that you can't just go about your day-to-day life completely normal when you're pregnant. He shouldn't be confused by this. He's being a colossal dick

You've only got a short amount of time to fix your relationship (or find out if it CAN be fixed) before the baby comes.

So don't wait.

Could you live with your mother if you needed to? If not her, is there somewhere else?

If you've got a backup living situation available, then I'd sit your husband down (or send him an email) explaining how things actually are.

That you shouldn't be exerting yourself right now for (really damn obvious) medical reasons. You're not lazy.

You also can't live in a dirty house.

So what's going to happen? Is he going to step up and help? Is he going to hire a maid service for the next few months?

Or are you going to leave him? Because he refuses to change and you don't want to parent two children at once?

If you don't have an available back-up residence, then you'll need to use your best judgement as to how to handle your man-child. You'll know better than us how far you can push him.

If you need to move (especially if it'll be across states or to a different country), make sure you do it while you're still pregnant. He may have the option of using the courts to prevent you from moving with an already-born child, but he can't do jack to you right now.

Especially when they get told their whole lives to not treat women differently, pregnant or not. My girlfriend is currently pregnant and if I’m being entirely honest I never expected it to have such a large effect, particularly in the early months. Physically and emotionally it really changes how a woman behaves.

Most likely his reaction to the chores situation is more deeply rooted in some animosity regarding other areas of the pregnancy. For example maybe you are more easily fatigued lately or otherwise giving him “lazy vibes”. It sounds like he really doesn’t understand that being pregnant is a lot harder than it looks. Perhaps he thinks you’re being a whiner frequently and this is the straw that broke the camels back.

I think couples counselling is exactly the sort of thing that would draw this stuff into the light and resolve them.

I think the root of the discussion here is why your husband feels this is an ok reaction. Does he feel he is already doing more than his part? Does he begrudge the pregnancy? Is he anxious about providing for another human and taking it out on you? Does he hate his mother and does being asked to do chores trigger that? Is he a good person going through a phase or an asshole coming out of hiding? Tough to say but you gotta figure out wtf this is about ASAP. And at the end of the day, the worst case scenario is you raising a child as a single mother which as we have seen, is not nearly as awful as raising a child to think misery and fighting are normal.

Can you bring him to your next doctor's appointment and have the DOCTOR explain why you need to be exerting less physical effort in these last few months and the overall toll the pregnancy is putting on your body and productivity?

I also wonder if mentally he's grasped the full extent of changes pregnancy and then a child is going to bring to his life, and your entire relationship. For you you're living the changes with your pregnancy. But for him the only change is his partner is doing less work. It's like the pregnancy is a theory still and not his reality. And such will be true once the kid is here too.

On a potentially constructive front, if he’s gone on a chore strike perhaps you can just start doing his chores (the ones that you wanted to swap for). Once he’s the only person not doing chores, maybe he’ll start doing yours and the swap will be complete.

I would keep doing his chores. The dishes and cooking and let the laundry pile up. Ask him if he needs you to show him how to use a laundry machine. OR only wash your clothes if he's really that stubborn

Aside from your problems with your husband, do you have enough to get a maid service to come out once or twice a week to help with the stuff you can't do right now? It would hello take the pressure off you to have to do everything while growing a human.

Uh.... what? Just no. You’re in the most exhausting trimester and DH can’t be bothered to help more. Hunny, he needs a reality check pronto. Haul his ass into every doctor appointment and ask your ob/gyn to explain to him exactly what your body is going through right now.

Seriously, if it’s too much for him to do household chores, you are totally screwed when that baby comes along.

Your husband is refusing to support your pregnancy and that is unacceptable. He won't help at all with the extra difficulty you are taking on to create your family is essentially what his attitude is saying.

My boyfriend has never cooked one meal, cleaned any dishes, done any laundry, cleaned the bathroom, or done ANYTHING in the year that we’ve lived together. He’s even criticized the way that I clean! So I tell him that if he’s going to complain, then he needs to just do it himself. He usually shuts up when I say that, but I’ve had him yell at me about it before. Do NOT let your husband turn out like this. It’s rude AF for a guy to think that it’s a woman’s job to do house work. You have a long road ahead of you with the baby coming and all, and the last thing you need is your PARTNER, your TEAM MATE, to treat you this way. You need to tell your husband that he’s being selfish and have a long talk with him. After all, you are bringing his child into the world! You and I both need to sit down with these men and discuss these things. They can’t treat us this way. It just shows that they don’t care enough, which is BS

Ew. As a male I'm disappointed in the lack of basic understanding for his spouse and soon to be mother. I've never been pregnant but I'm sure it's a hell of a lot harder than cleaning the bathroom every 1-2 weeks.

Sorry dude that you have to help pick up the slack while your wife carries your unborn child.

The advice others have given is already very good. I'd just like to say that, from what you're saying, your husband's behaviour is unjustified. Either he's got an odd way of seeing things, which will probably be hard to change, or perhaps he's hiding something else that is making him feel unhappy and treating you badly as a result.

I’m sorry OP but your husband sounds like an immature asshole who is coping terribly w the impending added responsibilities and lifestyle changes a child will bring and seems to be projecting it into the chores. There needs to be a serious come to jesus talk before this baby comes. Honestly I find his behavior disgusting and appalling. He should be doing everything to support you and the household right now and if he’s not ready to be a supportive husband and father he needs to tell you now. Good luck OP I’m so sorry you’re dealing w this

Has your husband always been this selfish and unloving? Or is this a drastic change in his behavior? If it's the second, get into marriage counseling. If it's the first, then that's who he is and he probably won't change.

Stop doing the chores. Either pay someone to do them or just do the absolute bare minimum. I suspect you've spent your marriage catering to him.

OPs husband, if you're reading this thread (and I bet you are) - you are going to lose your family. Your wife is eventually going to get tired of your selfishness and she's going to leave you. She's going to be resentful of how you treated her when she needed you the most. You had the chance to be her hero and instead you said "no, don't feel like cleaning the bathroom floor, I know you're heavy with my child but do it anyway." She's never, ever going to forget this and it's 100% your fault.

OP, take care of yourself because the one person in the world who's supposed to is too selfish to do it. Put yourself and your child first because he isn't and he probably never will.

You have all my sympathy. I agree with everyone here that you have a husband problem not a chores problem. That said if you sat him down and said that it was good he was happy with his chores but he needs to accept you are in no state to continue with yours. And if he can accept that, how does he think they should get done? Either he continues with his and you hire outside help for yours or he takes you up on your EXCEEDINGLY generous offer to redistribute.

Honestly though if I was you, I would negotiate taking schoolwork home with me (same with job work if at all possible), and go live with your mother for a while. Tell your husband that you need to see evidence that he will be an equal partner in your marriage before you will risk living with him again. You will not be able to take care of 100% of yourself the baby and him. Get some help with yourself and the baby (that help SHOULD have been him at this critical time) and give him the space to show you what kind of a human being he intends to be.

Okay also need to add how bizarre it is how many people are suggesting they pay someone to do the chores. 1. Most people can’t afford that especially w a 1st child on the way what world are you all living in and 2. He’s a fucking grown ass man!!!! He needs to wash his own clothes! Like??

do you think it's okay that he's forcing his 7 months pregnant wife to do dangerous labour against her doctors orders? some people can't afford help. he should stop being a literal piece of shit and help his fucking pregnant wife.

I had to double check the ages to be sure of what's is happening here.
He's a grown and probably knows how hard it's gets for pregnant women past certain months, so my guess is a communication problem, the way you adress the issue or even the tone.

Good luck with your two babies. I think he is starting to feel the pressure of the new kid and might be redirecting the stress into you. Sit down and talk about it like adults; ask him why he can’t switch up chores since it’s affecting you negatively while pregnant.

If he wants to lose his child the he can make you do more things. This is idiotic of him. I am pissed just by reading this. It is fucking common sense. You can’t make huge efforts. You can lose your child. If this is his opinion, I think he has stronger opinions of other aspects of life. He is an idiot.

Nesting must not have set in that's for sure. With 2 month left it surprises me your having such troubles. I was active and doing all regular chores at home and no amended duties at work till my due date. Unfortunately a lot of women do play on being pregnant, not saying OP is and maybe there is some medical issues to go along side but a bit of laundry for 2 isn't that difficult really and if you kneel instead of squat to clean lower levels that's fine, perhaps a kneeling mat would help. Trying to alter how you do the chores may solve problems remember work smart not hard.

Her doctor has told her she needs to cut back on the physical labour. That should be all you need to know about whether or not she is "playing on" being pregnant.

And for what its worth, I had hyperemesis gravidarum while I was pregnant. I became incapable of standing for more than 5 mins without severe dizziness by month 4 of my pregnancy. My ex, for all his faults, worked full time and did all the chores without a word of complaint for the rest of my pregnancy. And he isn't actually all that nice of a person. "Nesting" never set in for me at all because I was too ill to take care of myself let alone deep clean a fucking house.

OP didn't even ask him to take over everything, she asked to swap some chores for ones she can actually physically do. Not unreasonable. You being able to stay active your whole pregnancy means you were lucky, not that other women who can't are playing on it to be lazy.

If he can't handle a few extra chores when you're heavily pregnant then good luck to him actually having the kid. Does he actually think pregnancy is a piece of cake? Honestly your husband sounds like a selfish idiot.

Your top priority now is obviously your own health and that of your baby. Think about what would make you feel more at peace for the following 2-4 months. Could you relax more if you moved in with a relative or a friend? Or would you still prefer staying in your home?
Either way, I think that whatever is going wrong in your marriage needs to be dealt with later. Your husband unfortunately doesn't sound like someone who's easy to reason with or who'd take responsibility for anything, so leave that drama for when you don't have to focus all your strength and energy on bringing a human being into this world. Really try to brush him aside for the time being, if you can.

I'm sorry you have to deal with his childish nonsense. Hope you're still having a nice pregnancy, all the best for you and your child!

OP, and everyone else you are probably not going to like what I have to say and please understand that I am telling you my situation and my point of view which is very different than pretty much everyone who had made a comment. When I got pregnant for the first time I was 38, working 40-60 hours as an RN in a very busy operating room. My husband was working just as many hours if not more than me. I did pretty much all the house work, shopping and cooking and cleaning. He did the outside work. When our son was 6 months old I went back to work... night shift so I could stay home with our son during the day. And I worked weekends and my husband took care of our son. Being married is not always a 50-50 swap. Did you ever think that your husband may be feeling left out? All the attention is focused on you and the pregnancy. He may even be feeling a bit jealous. This is not unusual, not saying that it is ok, but it does happen. My advice is sit down and talk with your husband, maybe take him to a doctor’s visit and have the doctor explain to your husband that you may not be able to do all you have done in the past. As I have said before, I don’t claim to know your physical condition. I don’t want to scare you but being pregnant is the easy part. Being parents is the hardest job you and your husband will ever do. Best of luck to you both!

Husband here.
First, Recommend hiring a cleaner or whatever chore you need done, you can find someone to help reasonably and if hubby doesn’t want to pay for it, he can do it.

Second, during my second child’s pregnancy I had a bit of a lull in wanting to do anything and retreated to video games and ignoring my wife. I just needed some time to mentally prepare myself and work and baby #1 were a lot. Doesn’t make it right, but getting ready for the new normal takes some time.

Edit: So much negativity in these comments. Hire house cleaner, it’s much cheaper than medical complications or fighting with hubby. Focus on enjoying being just the 2 of you while you still have a month or two. Kids are amazing but go into these last months in a happy place enjoying each other.

You come across extremely selfish in your second paragraph. I feel really sorry for your wife. I’m sure HER “new normal” was just as scary as yours but to add to that, she also had to deal with a husband who didn’t respect or help her. That must have been awful for her.

Pay someone to do the chores. I know you’re gonna say you can’t afford it. But this is a good first step toward resolution that doesn’t cost as much as a therapist or a divorce. This one thing saved MANY arguments in my home!

Wow. Ok, criticism of your husband aside, you need something that will sort this out fast. One way to go would be to have one or more men he is close to explain how this works to him. Is he close with his father or uncles, and if so do they have kids and were they reasonably good dads? Do you have any mutual friends with kids whose fathers are actively involved? If so have a bbq, invite all of them and speak to them (and probably their wives too) in advance to explain the situation. A little bit of friendly peer pressure might wake him up to the fact that he needs to do a better job here. Men need a bit of support when they become fathers; often not knowing what to do and being anxious about the future can make them retreat into stubbornness, which is super counter-productive and stressful for you. Helping him access support from other fathers could really help him learn more about what he should be doing and why, which should give him a bit more confidence and perspective.

What you definitely shouldn't do is raise your blood pressure right now, please try not to get upset and angry if you can possibly rise above it for long enough to get some help! Let stuff pile up if it needs to, don't overwork yourself. If he wants clean shirts he's going to have to figure out the laundry eventually, right? :) Reach out to your support group and get some help with the housework and talk this out with your friends. You're seven months pregnant, have no shame in doing what's best for you and the baby.

He sounds like an utter bellend, but as frustratingly sexist as this is going to sound maybe hearing it all from another man will help. If you’ve got friends with kids maybe getting their male partners to enthuse about chores during that period, give him some side eye for not stepping up to do more, how hard it is for pregnant women during that time etc. If his peers talk about it/judge him for it maybe it will get through to him.

Men tend to listen to other men’s ‘authority’ more even if it’s utter BS, but at least you might get some results? If not then maybe getting a cleaner in for a few months to at least help get you through it and give you the mental space to consider your options if he continues to be a douchebag

"I sat down with my husband and told him that we need to redistribute the chores and he got very upset"
There is your problem. What you need to say is. Hey ... could you help me out here. I need you solve this problem. I have difficulty doing the chores. Do not give the solution let him say it himself.

You can not make people do something, that's not gender related. You do not understand. Men want to take care of women but criticism will stop him from doing that. Trust me I knew a woman in a simlar situation. Her boyfriend refused to get a job. I taught her how to communicate and within 2 weeks he had a job. She couldn't believe how easy it was.
Well men like to solve problems but if women offer to the solutions men feel the woman doesn't trust them. This is why men do not ask for directions they rather spend hours lost than to ask a stranger for directions.
anyways it's up to you, you can just talk about it and solve nothing or try my suggestion.

I feel you.. I can see how my husband could be the same. He doesn't do much now, the only thing he does is cooking sometimes. I do the dishes and laundry. How we meet in between is we have a housecleaner every two weeks, who does the floors, windows and everything other there is once every two weeks. Maybe this could help? Otherwise, you have to talk more to him about your difficulties. I can also see how it is difficult for a man to understand how hard it is to be a pregnant lady. He does not seem to want to understand it either, it should be hard, but there should be some way. I hope you find it.

If having your doctor tell him what a pregnant woman should and should not be shouldering during pregnancy doesn't work then you should treat the chores as if you are a single pregnant woman. Do them just for yourself and only to the level you can bear. Do your own laundry only and let it slide if you don't feel like it. Clean the bathroom but not spick-and-span, just clean enough (use a swiffer to clean the floors so you don't have to bend down, use easy foaming cleaning sprays on the toilet and counters rather than scrubbing, clean the shower every once in awhile but not weekly).

Or can yoy hire a maid while you are pregnant (if you don't want to be handling harsh cleaning solutions).

I'm assuming he will then refuse to cook for you? In which case start cooking like a busy single person. Make crock pot meals that will last all week for leftovers. Have supplies to make healthy salads and sandwiches. And do not cook for him or clean his dishes.

Get his dad/brother to call him (or meet up with him) and talk with him about it. It's stupid, but sometimes you need male-to-male intervention to be heard, like a guy saying the same thing suddenly changes it.

You're having a child with this man? He's 36 and sounds more immature than a young child. I'm not going to try to convince you to leave him, especially when you're near full term, but honestly if he's behaving like that NOW, then you've got some rough years ahead.

Is it possible you can hire a cleaning lady to come in once a week? It won't address the underlying issues that are surfacing with your husband's attitude and outlook, but it might be a quick fix to help you get through the next few months.