Doug

Doug apparently is the best cartoon ever, regardless of the fact that every other episode involved him going to the mall to buy new shoes, or listening to music by Lil Nicc. It centered around a kid named Doug Fuckie who had a dog named Porkshit. No lulz are ever produced when watching Doug.

Everyone remembers watching that show Doug on Nickelodeon, if not then they got pissed off when their kids spent time watching it. The other day I was brushing my teeth, and I was thinking about how much of a suckass pussy Doug and his friends are. Here's my analysis of his idiot friends, all of whom need to jump into a trash compactor But for some reason, Everyone in the show looks like they all have Radiation Poisoning.

Doug, after getting creamed by Roger. Which, for some reason, makes him turn into a melted fucking Ziggy.

Fat piece of trash with a creative last name... or so the creators thought before Warner Brothers bought the show... Needs to move back to Bloatsburg. Doug is bald and spends all his time at home with his dog Porkchop, drawing Queer Man comics. It's a little known fact that Doug is left-handed. Explains a lot of his introvert, comic-drawing, deviant behavior, doesn't it? This means that he has to use his right hand for it to feel like someone else is doing it. Not only that, but it means he doesn't fit in the average circle jerk since he keeps bumping arms, forcing him to practice his faggotry alone and making him angrier and angrier. Everything turned out okay, though, after he grew up, fell into a freezerdoodle, and went to the futurejiggy.

Doug's fictitious super-hero version of himself. He wears a belt on his head, his shit-stained underwear on the outside, and a menstrual-red cape. He has the power to stare someone down (and in the process this red shit shoots out of his eyes), aka the Queer-Eye. Alas; evil murderous villains who want to take over the world suddenly see the light and succumb to Queer Man's super quail powers. Instead of kicking ass like a regular super hero would, he looks at people. If he could blow shit up or could spit acid or cool stuff like that, he'd still be a pussy, but at least he could defend himself.

Annoying blue cracker who wants to be black and who thinks he's the coolest person in Bluffington. He listens to music by wannabe rappers like Lil Nicc and Young Drew. One night he and Doug were bored on a rainy day, and after a quick game of "you show me yours and I'll show you mine", they washed the jizz off their hands and wrote a comic book together. Doug was, of course, Queer Man, and Skeeter was "Wigger Dude" (skeet skeet skeet skeet honk honk). Wigger Dude can skateboard around on his rocket powered skateboard and block the sun by stretching his body an infinite number of times the size it normally is. Skeeter constantly goes around saying annoying crap like, "Hey Doug. Honk Honk!". He literally makes a car horn sound whenever he greets Doug. He says he saw it in a rap video and wanted to copy it so he would look black. If someone ever tries to greet me like that, I'd punch him in the cock.

One time he tried to teach Doug how to dance so that he could bump gorditas with Pussy Mayonnaise on the floor, but he got so caught up in trying to suck his own cock that he got stuck in some creepy pretzel position. He asked Doug to help him out of it, but Doug got so hard he had to run off and finish himself off.

Doug's sister. Drama queen who thinks that she has a lot of friends because she goes to an advanced high school for performing arts. The only reason anyone even hangs out with her is because she's a total slut. Notice how she was always coming in with a different guy? I rest my case. Famous for having a collection of bricks and books. She refers to everything as "bourgeois" even though she lives in a multistory house with a yard and both parents in the suburbs, and is most likely destined for art school.

This dog needs to be put to sleep. He's got one hell of a dog house. First of all, its an igloo; interesting, because it would easily melt and/or give him hypothermia because he lives there every day. The dog's fucking spoiled as hell, because he's got a TV, kitchen, doorbell, hell; even a bathroom. The sad thing is he's better than Doug at baseball.

In one memorable Christmas special, Porkshit tears apart Peepee while she plays ice hockey, thus sentencing him to the pound where he was sold to Gillette for product testing, then cut up and served to the hungry citizens of Bluffington. And that's how Doug saved Christmas. Think about that the next time you're using your Mach 3 to shave your testicles.

Doug's annoying neighbor Mr. Dick is always trying to invite Doug into his home so he can molest him. His wife Titty wants a divorce but Mr. Dick will never sign the divorce papers. He is a collector of very expensive things but seems to have no job to pay for them. It is assumed that he whores out his wife to pay for his hobbies.

Doug's crush. When she walks in a room, suddenly light flashes everywhere. She's good at sports (she was the school quarterback in one episode), smart in school, and the most popular kid in school. Doug liked her from the first day he moved to Bluffington. One day, he handcuffed her to himself and almost put the moves on her, but didn't because he's a fucking pussy and dropped the key down a vent. Just as well... she's secretly a man. Her penis was seen in season 3 when Doug snuck into her bedroom. Her dad is in a wheelchair and because of this, her mom became an hero, and the only reason she's always so happy and smiley is the Paxil.

She told Doug that he was terrible after Doug drove his parents' car into her old house, drunk, causing it to collapse. Just as well; it had become a crackhouse and was slated to be demolished anyways. After realizing what he'd done, Doug went to the site and managed to find the old door knocker, and then presented it to Patti, saying "you can have this knocker if I can touch yours." Patti started to cry but didn't say anything while Doug had his way with her, because the medication kept her from standing up for herself.

Everything Patty is, except his skin is green, and he has about 700 trophies and not the slightest bit attractive. He used to play football for Moreau until they found out he was actually Chinese and used to go to a Chinese school. Also has done 2 million sit-ups. He's the captain/quarterback/linebacker/everything else on the football team. Everyone else is a failure in his father's eyes, because he obviously can't produce offspring that are as perfect as him. One time, he cheated off of Doug's test and then broke down in tears when he told his dad that he had to miss the "BIG GAME" because he had to redo the test. "But dad I was so busy practicing football and winning these awards that I didn't have time to study!!" Whoops, no one cares. Go die Chalky, you will never amount to anything.

The school bully, but quite a pussy considering how he owns the school. He's a big fan of rap music by Lil Nicc and says the love songs "melt his slobk heart." He's been in the same grade for 3 years, which makes him as old as a freshman but he's still in elementary school. One time when he was fighting Doug (he called Doug out when Doug was running in the hallway and bumped into him, then he put the fear of God into Doug by saying "Well, Funnie... it uh... looks like I'm gonna have to uh... er... cream yah.... nneerrr...*grunt*"), he ran home crying because Doug thought he was Queer Man again and gave him the queer eye. With Roger gone, Doug walked home proudly, but on the way he tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and broke his nose.

Foreign exchange student. Speaks pretty damn good English for a "Yackastonian." Too bad his accent reveals that not only is he a fraud, but he's balless and just wants to get it on with Mr. Boner, whom he lives with.

Shitty vice principal. He's got about 10 things up his ass at any given moment, or so it seems. Once he and Mrs. Wingo's class started a school-wide newscast, but Mr. Boner took over it because he thought he was being a badass. Roger sucked him off and became the co-anchor. Then when Roger gave him pink underwear as a gift, they swapped tongues for 15 minutes straight while the camera was rolling.

Wrinkly old bitch of a teacher. Whenever she reprimands a student, she always addresses them by their entire name ("Douglas Yancey Funnie! How could you?!") and demands that they stay after class for an hour to lick her dry, raisin clit. She also has white hair, including the pubes. How about that, eh?

Terrible head principal. Mr. Buttravage is often referred to/bitched about but is never seen in the flesh because he's too busy jackin' it in his office, plus he doesn't give a shit about school or administrative issues. Some say that he watches the boys from his window during football practice, looking for a perfect athletic specimen to join his neverending harem of underage queer whores.

Narcissistic mayor of Bluffington, who constantly reminds people to vote for him. Spends an awful lot of time around middle schoolers in his effort for reelection, undoubtedly because he wants to receive golden showers from young boys. This makes it clear that he was elected as a Republican. Eventually he loses his position to Titty Dick but this actually works out better for him, as he ends up the principal of the middle school.

Basement-dwelling twin brothers who are into animu, cosplay, MMORPG's and bestiality. Their father is ashamed of them and thus leaves them alone all day, instead working at a bakery where he puts freshly-baked donuts around his penis before giving them to children for great justice. The Sleech brothers are assumed to have aspergers.

They both come to a sticky end when Dr. Dick asks Doug to dress up as a hamburger for a sex game, and both of the Sleech brothers are dragged helplessly into a lake. Doug fails to save them, and an XBOX HUEG celebration is thrown in honor of their death.

Moo! Connie is the fat girl at Doug's school. She tried to comfort Doug when he gained weight by saying that she wasn't fat, she was "BBW," and by proxy, Doug was just "Husky." Doug told her to STFU, punched her in the cunt and went to go draw more comics. Hung out with Patti and Beebee who used her as the "fat girl" to make themselves look better. Predictably, by high school, she was an attention whore who tried to cover up her lesbianism by trying to get Roger to screw her. It's a common fact that fat bitches earn respect by givin' primo head to everyone and anyone.

What started out as shitty stick figures, the creator, Jim Jenkems, decided was good enough to be pitched as a show. Well, Nickelodeon took his idea and they collaborated together to make five million episodes.

Once canceled, Disney pwned the shit out of Nickelodeon, then proceeded to rape it in a fashion that'd do Vince Shlomi proud.
Doug continued to whore himself out on the street when they released the theatrical movie "Doug's: 1st Movie". Clever, no?

Once Saturday Morning Cartoons were canceled for major suck, Doug was included on this list; they were then replaced with Dateline and The View. GUH-ROSS!

It was a normal day at Bluffington School. Doug was at his locker daydreaming about Patti Mayonnaise.

"Oh Patti," he moaned. "You are the hottest thing I ever saw. With that pencil shaped body and that basketball-shaped head." Doug had a tent in his pants while moaning. His moment was ruined when Skeeter walked up behind him.

They were sitting in class as Mrs. Wingo went on and on about only God knows what.

"Alright class, for our homework for tomorrow is a 100 word essay on Wuthering Heights," said Mrs. Wingo. Wuthering Heights is the most boring book anyone can ever read. It is almost impossible for a sixth grader to even write 50 words about it.

Later that night...

Doug was in his room trying to work on his essay. He only finished seven words. Porkchop left a turd in Doug's room. Doug finally lost it. "I'm so sick of your crap, Porkshit," Doug shouted. He then kicked Porkchop. He then got distracted and started daydreaming about Patti again. He made a doodle of Patti in a one-piece bathing suit. Little did he notice, he doodled on what was supposed to be his essay paper. How he wanted to date her. But he never had the courage to ask her out. Aw, screw it!, he thought. Doug then walked over to Patti's house and snuck in through Patti's window. He went into her room and closed the window. Patti was sleeping. Perfect, he thought. He heard the door open. It was Patti's dad.

"Hey, Doug," said Patti's dad. "I didn't see you come in."

"Well, Patti needed help with her homework and she fell asleep," said Doug.

"That's nice of you, Doug," said Patti's dad.

Patti's dad left the room. Doug got into bed next to her. "You wanna have sex?" asked Doug. Patti just sighed in her sleep. Doug just thought, What the hell. Doug removed her clothes. He then removed his pants and got really hard. He then stuck his small, hard penis into Patti's butt. He thrusts it back and forth as he moaned. But lucky for him, she stayed asleep. He took it out and ran back home before sunrise.

The next day...

Doug went downstairs and had his breakfast. He then darted out the door and went to school. he wanted to tell someone he had sex with Patti, but who? Skeeter was the only kid in school who knew about Doug's crush on Patti. He went up to Skeeter's locker and decided to tell him the big news.

"Yo, Skeet. I had sex with Patti last night," he said. Skeeter was in awe.

"She said yes when you two aren't even dating?" asked Skeeter.

"Actually, she was asleep. And I just did it with her. But she never said no, so it's okay," said Doug.

"No, dude. No. She was asleep," shouted Skeeter.

"But..," started Doug.

"No. Doug, what you did was rape. You raped Patti," said Skeeter. "Honk honk."

Roger and his gang came up. His gang consisted of Willy, Boomer, and that one kid with the big eye and the gay hair.

"Hey Valentine," said Roger. "Did you just say that someone raped Patti?"

"Yeah. Doug had sex with Patti without her permission," said Skeeter.

"Way to go, Funnie," said that kid with the ass-shaped hair. Boomer high fived Doug. Willy slapped Doug on the back.

"Hey Everyone," shouted Roger. "Doug Funnie had sex with Patti."

Unfortunately, Patti got the news. She went up to Doug.

"Doug, how could you tell such lies about me," said Patti. "Doug Funnie, you're terrible."

Now Patti and Skeeter are mad at Doug and he has no friends. He walked into the classroom when Doug got called to the office. That means Doug has to see the meanest man alive, Mr. Bone. Or as Doug liked to call him, Mr. Boner.

In Mr. Bone's office...

"Well well well. Mr. Funnie, it seems that there's a rumor that you had sexual intercourse with a Miss Mayonaisse," said Mr. Bone.

"I did," said Doug. "When she was asleep." Doug had it with being nice and staying out of trouble. He doesn't care what happens. Nothing can stop him now.

"Well, I just called your parents," said Mr. Bone. Doug's parents came in.

"Douglas Yancy Funnie, explain yourself," exclaimed Mrs. Funnie.

"We are very disappointed in you, young man," said Mr. Funnie, sternly.

Meanwhile, Mr. Bone was laughing his ass off.

"You think this is a laughing matter?" asked Mrs. Funnie.

"His middle name is Yancy," said Mr. Bone between laughs.

Later at home...

Doug is detained in his room. He is not allowed to come out. Not even for the bathroom or for school. Doug's sister, Judy, barged in to his room.

"Doug, there's someone at the door for you," she said. Doug got out of his room and ran downstairs to answer it. It was the cops. His school called the cops on him for his crime. The two policemen took Doug and handcuffed him. The cops brought him to Juvenile hall, where he has to spend the next twelve years.

Doug is now doing time in jail for rape. Patti and Roger hooked up and became a couple through Jr. high and high school. Since the Funnies did not want Porkchop, he was put to sleep.