Tuesday, 7 February 2012

My thoughts: Kelly

Even typing the name fills me with
dread. It is no exaggeration to say she has had an immeasurable
impact on my life.

Throughout the ten odd years I knew her
she was at times and probably will be in the future, a nasty piece of
work. I wasn't perfect though, as she would tell you I can be a
difficult bastard to know and try to get along with, moody, negative,
cynical and self loathing at times (not mention being depressed), she
put up with those ugly sides to me longer than anyone else with the
exception of one.

There were (and will be) times when she
is actually sweet, funny, intelligent and charming, things that
contributed to me falling in love with her and keeping her in my life
in the hope we would be together in a committed relationship raising
her daughter for far too long, causing such emotional and
psychological harm to all three of us.

One factor in her having such an impact
on me is she is the only woman I have had a sexual relationship with
and I won't disturb you with the details but this aspect between us was
a complete disaster and after she lost patience with it she had little qualms in belittling me,
including giving me all the responsibility for getting things on
track.

“It isn't me at all its you, I’ve
never had such a problem with anyone else”

One of the comments
she made to me about it, which wasn't helpful nor reassuring seeing
as I had anxieties about taking a chance at a relationship with her
and that while she is experienced sexually, I am not.

“The first time I wanted your
virginity, the second time was a favour as your first time wasn't
very good”

Part of that was a
text message she sent me and that part I am not likely to forget for
as long as I live. That part by itself is bad enough; add in the fact
I was already in the process of a psychological breakdown due to
dropping out of university and being evicted from my flat where I
ended up moving into my grandfather's house (I've had a difficult
relationship with him since the age of 11). All of this happened
within a year.

That wasn't enough
though, she later on tells me that during those two encounters she
was making her mind up on whether she wanted a relationship with me
or go back to her ex (she didn't tell me at the time but she ended
getting back with him). I was completely devastated, I didn't feel it
could get any worse.

I was wrong.

Kelly expected us
to go back to being friends and act as though nothing had happened, I
was bewildered by how heartless she was being and by her adamant
statements of she had done nothing wrong, I should simply get over it
and it was just sex.

I refused to go
back to how things were, how could I? It may have been nothing to her
what happened, me, I was heartbroken and I told her that she broke my
heart. She was enraged by this, shouting at me for being immature, to
grow up, oh you love me do you? That's bullshit and what seemed like an
almost endless wave of verbal abuse over the months as although we
kept in touch over the phone (why? I honestly don't know, I’ve
asked myself a million times) I refused to go and see her, frankly I
felt ashamed, humiliated, degraded, cheap, useless, name every
negative word or emotion its probable I felt it all then and the
thought of actually being near her made me sick.

Thankfully I had
been referred to a psychotherapy group for treatment and I started a
few months into the whole thing which gave me some much needed
support and strength, I remember I sent her a text when she started
having a go at me again, now she accused me of using her for sex and
then walking away from her (of course she maintained she had done
nothing wrong), I said to her that I was in therapy and I had more
important things to worry about than what she thought of me, this
deflated her as all she managed in reply was why are you being
like this what's your problem.

I simply ignored
her. She still took a few shots at me but they lessened considerably,
she tried changing tactics at one point (she had broken up with her
ex again) now she was all nice, how sorry she was for putting
pressure on me and she promised she wouldn't say or do anything that interfered with my therapy, she actually did, she tried telling me
what I wanted to hear but by now I didn't trust her at all and this
was the final straw, I told I had enough of her and I was finished
with it all.

Before all of that
there were times she treated me like shit, such as turning against me
after I supported her during a relationship breakup and setting me up
to be attacked by a guy who disliked me for being her friend (she
never explained why she did it however she ended up sleeping with
this guy, I concede this is the jealously talking but I say she
wanted to sleep with this guy so much she co-operated with him over
trying to put me in my place).

No doubt people
will think well if all of this is true and you continued to pursue
having a committed relationship with her then your an idiot and they
are right, well just wait for the next bit;

After a year or so
out of therapy, I got in touch with her. That's right, I let her back
into my life, what the hell was I thinking?

It will be different this time.

Its priceless it
really is when I think about it, now it'll be of no surprise when I
tell you that at first went well then it reverted to how it was
before, this time;

Finally, the most
unforgivable of the lot, she used her own daughter to hurt me.

Basically after a
row between us which ended up with her coming around to my place to
throw the spare keys I gave her and a shirt I left at hers at me and
stormed off. It was her daughter's birthday a few days
previously and I was ill with the flu, I talked to her daughter on
the phone to wish her a happy birthday and I promised her I would get
her a present when I felt better.

After Kelly stormed
off from my flat (I didn't go after her, I went back to bed as I
wasn't going after her) she text and called me, I tried to reason
with her, that we both said and did things we shouldn't have and it
is not one sided, she simply ranted at me, I know its not all you
and the final thing I got from her; LEAVE ME ALONE.

I bought her
daughter a book and sent it through the post with a card, Kelly
called me but didn't say anything, as soon I said hello she handed
the phone to her daughter so she could thank for the present. I'm
certain Kelly forced her daughter to talk to me on the phone, as she
would have likely to have wanted to thank me the next she saw me
(unless she was told she wouldn't be seeing or speaking to me again
after the call which I don't believe happened as she would have asked
me why this was the case).

She sounded so
nervous which was uncharacteristic, Kelly's daughter is a happy
confident girl which is a result of how good a mother Kelly is and
she didn't have much to say besides thanking me for the book I got
her, usually she is very chatty, she likes telling you everything she
has been upto in school, what books she is reading, what music she is
listening to and so on, during the call there were awkward silences
in between the questions I asked her, I should have ended the call
much sooner, at one point she asked me if I wanted her to pass the
phone to her mother, Kelly snapped at her “NO! Just put the
phone down!”

I said to her “No
no its okay sweetheart I've got to go, I love you, I’ll see you
soon” she said I love you too bye bye. The last time I talked to
her.

This was a little
over a year ago, I’m still moving on from it and I don't know just
how long it will take before I can say I have moved on. I still miss
them both, I sometimes think it was all my fault, I wasn't the man
she wanted, I let down her daughter with how it all turned out and
I’ll never forgive myself (you see there's the self loathing I
mentioned at the beginning).

I did lose
something good, when we were okay we were very close, we talked about
a lot of things, serious deep meaning conversations to having a laugh
to giving each other support when we were depressed. The good times
with them both made me truly happy.

While with Kelly
being out of my life means I no longer feel like a emotional punching
bag every so often I miss the good things we shared and I often
torment myself by thinking about it and thinking things could be
different if we tried again.

It will not be different this time

Even if Kelly got in touch to say how sorry
she is for how she treated me and how much she misses me I know I’ll
have to ignore her. Despite everything I will always love her and I
wouldn't change a thing about her, as I once told her, I accepted who
she is, the good and the bad. I still feel the sorrow and emptiness
from it all.