Saturday, June 27, 2009

I have been struggling since Brandon's death, with the fact that I am now an only child.......

I have tried to put it in words but have never quite gotten it right. When Brandon died, part of me died with him. I have always heard people say that, but I did not understand what it meant. I thought, when I heard it, that it was just another way to say, "I miss him so much." But it is so much more than that. I understand that now...............

Recently, I have been reading Rhett Brother's People by Donald McCaig. And in the middle of this summer read, on page 114 in fact, was the sentence that summed it up. "When Charles died, the Hamilton's shared childhood died with him......."

That is exactly how I feel. When Brandon died, all that was our shared childhood died also. I have no one who "knows". No one who understands. No one for whom these phrases and many more make any sense."Boochie Tag!""I'll be Jenny, you be Timmy.""Momma loves her Owen.""Workin' on the hobby.....""Mom loves me best!'"I know what you're getting.""Show me the funny..."It makes me sadder that I can say. I hate hate hate being an only child. I don't know why anyone would choose to make their child an only child. I can tell you, it is a sad and lonely job. No child should ever have to grow up alone. It makes me even more resolved to complete our new adoption. I would hate for The Little Prince to be where I am today. I guess one could argue that if you don't know any better, you'll be alright. I disagree.

Life is meant to be shared, Princess.......it's meant to be shared.......

Thursday, June 25, 2009

What a strange week indeed. Can you imagine the scene with St. Peter? And let's pray they all know our Lord and are actually at the Pearly Gates..............

News of Michael's death brought me right back to Gordon Elementary about 16 years ago. I was a kindergarten teacher in a very inner-city school. In fact, I was the first white lady many of my school children had ever seen, much less had direct contact with on a daily basis. I no longer remember the names or the faces of the two children with whom the following conversation ensued.....but it is one that's repeated in my family any time Michael Jackson is mentioned......

Child 1: "Miaah Beh-REE....tell him dat Michael Jackson wah black when he be little and now he be big an' he be white....."Child 2: (looks at me expectantly)Me: "Well, that's how it looks, now isn't it?"

The Little Prince comes through the bedroom just now where CNN is reporting this breaking news......he pauses, then looks at me and says, "Momma, was Michael Jackson famous?"

The Big Prince and I look at each other astounded. "Yes, baby, he was...."

What a difference a decade makes Princess....what a difference it makes......

Friday, June 19, 2009

Our beach trip was great! I really felt refreshed and renewed. The boys even went to play putt putt golf one day and left me for 4 glorious hours on the beach. Alone. What a gift. It has been ages since I was able to sit on the beach and not worry about anyone but myself. I stared at the clouds. I stared at the sea. I played in the sand and wondered at the marvel of the tons of shells that were present. Some big and broken. Some incredibly tiny and perfect in their efficiency. I marveled and imagined about the creatures who once lived in them. I wondered if I was the first person to ever touch that particular shell. I thought about all this and I thought about nothing at all.

When we came back to town, we had a few days and then The Little Prince went to the grandparent's house for the weekend. I am attending a teacher conference with 2 great teacher friends today and Saturday. So, while the Big One was taking the Little One to meet the grandparents, I took myself to get a mani/pedi using a gift certificate that a sweet student got me for an end of the year gift.

Picture this.......

Two chairs over, there is a granny having a pedicure. She is frail and white haired. He hair is styled and fluffed. She has on black and white gingham checked capris and a t-shirt. She shakes a slight bit as if she is developing Parkinson's. Her daughter and the manicurist are discussing how granny is not able to cut her toenails anymore. The daughter has been doing this for her mom, but decided that they can come to the nail place and have a pedicure together each month and spend a special day together. Granny is hard of hearing so everything needs to be repeated loudly so she can be part of the conversation. I am half reading a book, half listening to their conversation, half watching the travel channel on TV.......I am wondering if my own granny might enjoy a mani/pedi on occasion.....

Friday, June 12, 2009

Wow! It has been a while since I posted, but there's been nothing much to post about. Just the "end of the year" school stuff that just.about.did.me.in......and finding the new normal that is our summer schedule. (I feel like I've had a whole year of "finding new normal" though). Anyway, this is the first summer in 2 years that I have not had to do a 2 week, 8-4 everyday intense math and science workshop...so I am doing a whole lotta nothing! (Except of course the stuff I really want to do, but that's the beauty of it all....it is stuff I want to do!)

Yesterday was a hard day for us. It was Brandon and Jada's anniversary. I think it would have been number 5. I am just empty. I cannot begin to fathom what Jada is going through. I should have been babysitting so they could go on a little trip for their special day. There should have been a little Brandon-Jada baby to babysit. There should still be my sweet brother picking out just the right sparkly thing at Lon's Jewelry for his girl. But yesterday, there was just Jada, playing with her other nephews in Huntsville, babysitting someone else's children so she does not have to be at home alone on their special day. The only sparkly thing is the massive, shiny black marble of Brandon's monument in the cemetery....just 3 miles from our childhood home, as Brandon always said..."In God's country"....

The Big Prince and The Little Prince and I are at the beach. Digging our toes in the sugar white sands of our coastline. I purposefully booked the same exact condo that we were in last year just about this time. I think I wanted to reboot. To rewind. To start over. You see, last year at this time, in this same condo, while I had my toes in the same sugar white sand....I had a horrible feeling of dread. I felt like Pig Pen from Snoopy. Big Black Cloud over my head. When I think back now, I realize that I could.not.breathe.....I think I knew. Something horrendous was going to happen. I just did not know what it would be.....because I had these things going on in my life...

The Back Story-

*BFF Carol's breast cancer had returned. Something like 5 years and a month after they radiated a tiny spot. After 5 years you should be clear! We thought she could get radiation on this new spot like before. No can do. So right before I left town to come to the sugar white sands, she learned that she would have to have a mastectomy. Then, 2 days later, while I am sitting on the beach with the wind in my hair, I get the call. Not a single mastectomy.....but a double was needed.

*BFF Shannon was supposed to have a much needed breast reduction. She was in the waiting area on the gurney with the blue cap on her head...waiting to be wheeled into surgery....and they tell her they cannot operate because she is anemic. Lots of gearing up and being let down with this procedure. Shannon actually ended up running away to the beach with me (still marked up from her surgery that did not happen.........)

*My mom let it slip that she had a bad check up and had had a breast biopsy in both breasts(without telling me) and was awaiting the results of that. (Everything turned out fine for my mom so we thought we'd dodged that bullet....little did we know that we were about to be hit by a truck......)

After I got home from the beach, I had 2 weeks of AMSTI training and then right after that Brandon went into the hospital for what we thought would be a routine surgery......and we all know how that turned out.....

Fast forward to now. Same condo. Same beach. Letting go of the ghosts from the past. In some random Garth Brooks song there is a line that Heartaches Are Healed by the Sea. I cannot remember more than that, but since I got here, that line has been running through my head, over and over. I hope it's true.

I have some really wonderful things to blog about. Some super terrific happy things. But I just can't do it right now. Let's just say that I think the reboot is working. I don't have that same feeling of dread that I did last summer. Right now, I have a feeling of anticipation....and it's a good thing. More on that later........

Maybe Garth Brooks was right Princess.......just maybe he was right........