Informasi Buku

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Catatan Editor

What’s your love language?…

Chapman’s love languages are five simple keys that open the door to lasting happiness in any relationship. Identify your and your partner’s primary language today to ensure your feelings are clear and your love endures.

Deskripsi

Over 12 million copies sold!

A New York Times bestseller for 10 years running.

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love—that’s the challenge. How can you keep your relationship fresh and growing amid the demands, conflicts, and just plain boredom of everyday life?

In the #1 New York Times international bestseller The 5 Love Languages, you’ll discover the secret that has transformed millions of relationships worldwide. Whether your relationship is flourishing or failing, Dr. Gary Chapman’s proven approach to showing and receiving love will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your partner—starting today.

The 5 Love Languages is as practical as it is insightful. Updated to reflect the complexities of relationships today, this new edition reveals intrinsic truths and applies relevant, actionable wisdom in ways that work.

Includes the Couple's Personal Profile assessment so you can discover your love language and that of your loved one.

Pratinjau Buku

The 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman

What Happens to Love After the Wedding?

At 30,000 feet, somewhere between Buffalo and Dallas, he put his magazine in his seat pocket, turned in my direction, and asked, What kind of work do you do?

I do marriage counseling and lead marriage enrichment seminars, I said matter-of-factly.

I’ve been wanting to ask someone this for a long time, he said. What happens to the love after you get married?

Relinquishing my hopes of getting a nap, I asked, What do you mean?

Well, he said, I’ve been married three times, and each time, it was wonderful before we got married, but somehow after the wedding it all fell apart. All the love I thought I had for her and the love she seemed to have for me evaporated. I am a fairly intelligent person. I operate a successful business, but I don’t understand it.

How long were you married? I asked.

The first one lasted about ten years. The second time, we were married three years, and the last one, almost six years.

Did your love evaporate immediately after the wedding, or was it a gradual loss? I inquired.

"Well, the second one went wrong from the very beginning. I don’t know what happened. I really thought we loved each other, but the honeymoon was a disaster, and we never recovered. We only dated six months. It was a whirlwind romance. It was really exciting! But after the marriage, it was a battle from the beginning.

In my first marriage, we had three or four good years before the baby came. After the baby was born, I felt like she gave her attention to the baby and I no longer mattered. It was as if her one goal in life was to have a baby, and after the baby, she no longer needed me.

Did you tell her that? I asked.

"Yes, I told her. She said I was crazy. She said I did not understand the stress of being a twenty-four-hour nurse. She said I should be more understanding and help her more. I really tried, but it didn’t seem to make any difference. After that, we just grew further apart. After a while, there was no love left, just deadness. Both of us agreed that the marriage was over.

"My last marriage? I really thought that one would be different. I had been divorced for three years. We dated each other for two years. I really thought we knew what we were doing, and I thought that perhaps for the first time I really knew what it meant to love someone. I genuinely felt that she loved me.

"After the wedding, I don’t think I changed. I continued to express love to her as I had before marriage. I told her how beautiful she was. I told her how much I loved her. I told her how proud I was to be her husband. But a few months after marriage, she started complaining; about petty things at first—like my not taking the garbage out or not hanging up my clothes. Later, she went to attacking my character, telling me she didn’t feel she could trust me, accusing me of not being faithful to her. She became a totally negative person. Before marriage, she was never negative. She was one of the most positive people I have ever met—that’s one of the things that attracted me to her. She never complained about anything. Everything I did was wonderful, but once we were married, it seemed I could do nothing right. I honestly don’t know what happened. Eventually, I lost my love for her and began to resent her. She obviously had no love for me. We agreed there was no benefit to our living together any longer, so we split.

That was a year ago. So my question is, What happens to love after the wedding? Is my experience common? Is that why we have so many divorces in our country? I can’t believe that it happened to me three times. And those who don’t divorce, do they learn to live with the emptiness, or does love really stay alive in some marriages? If so, how?

The questions my friend seated in 5A was asking are the questions that thousands of married and divorced persons are asking today. Some are asking friends, some are asking counselors and clergy, and some are asking themselves. Sometimes the answers are couched in psychological research jargon that is almost incomprehensible. Sometimes they are couched in humor and folklore. Most of the jokes and pithy sayings contain some truth, but they are like offering an aspirin to a person with cancer.

The desire for romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. Books abound on the subject. Television and radio talk shows deal with it. The Internet is full of advice. So are our parents and friends and churches. Keeping love alive in our marriages is serious business.

With all the help available from media experts, why is it that so few couples seem to have found the secret to keeping love alive after the wedding? Why is it that a couple can attend a communication workshop, hear wonderful ideas on how to enhance communication, return home, and find themselves totally unable to implement the communication patterns demonstrated? How is it that we read something online on 101 Ways to Express Love to Your Spouse, select two or three ways that seem especially helpful, try them, and our spouse doesn’t even acknowledge our effort? We give up on the other 98 ways and go back to life as usual.

THE TRUTH WE’RE MISSING

The answer to those questions is the purpose of this book. It is not that the books and articles already published are not helpful. The problem is that we have overlooked one fundamental truth: People speak different love languages.

My academic training is in the area of anthropology. Therefore, I have studied in the area of linguistics, which identifies a number of major language groups: Japanese, Chinese, Spanish, English, Portuguese, Arabic, Greek, German, French, and so on. Most of us grow up learning the language of our parents and siblings, which becomes our primary or native tongue. Later, we may learn additional languages—but usually with much more effort. These become our secondary languages. We speak and understand best our native language. We feel most comfortable speaking that language. The more we use a secondary language, the more comfortable we become conversing in it. If we speak only our primary language and encounter someone else who speaks only his or her primary language, which is different from ours, our communication will be limited. We must rely on pointing, grunting, drawing pictures, or acting out our ideas. We can communicate, but it is awkward. Language differences are part and parcel of human culture. If we are to communicate effectively across cultural lines, we must learn the language of those with whom we wish to communicate.

In the area of love, it is similar. Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other. My friend on the plane was speaking the language of affirming words to his third wife when he said, I told her how beautiful she was. I told her I loved her. I told her how proud I was to be her husband. He was speaking love, and he was sincere, but she did not understand his language. Perhaps she was looking for love in his behavior and didn’t see it. Being sincere is not enough. We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.

My conclusion after many years of marriage counseling is that there are five emotional love languages—five ways that people speak and understand emotional love. In the field of linguistics, a language may have numerous dialects or variations. Similarly, within the five basic emotional love languages, there are many dialects. The number of ways to express love within a love language is limited only by one’s imagination. The important thing is to speak the love language of your spouse.

Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. We tend to speak our primary love language, and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating. We are expressing our love, but the message does not come through because we are speaking what, to them, is a foreign language. Therein lies the fundamental problem, and it is the purpose of this book to offer a solution. That is why I dare to write another book on love. Once we discover the five basic love languages and understand our own primary love language, as well as the primary love language of our spouse, we will then have the needed information to apply the ideas in the books and articles.

Once you identify and learn to speak your spouse’s primary love language, I believe that you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage. Love need not evaporate after the wedding, but in order to keep it alive, most of us will have to put forth the effort to learn a secondary love language. We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it. If we want them to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in their primary love language.

YOUR TURN

How does your spouse respond when you try to show affection?

Keeping the Love Tank Full

Love is the most important word in the English language—and the most confusing. Both secular and religious thinkers agree that love plays a central role in life. Love has a prominent role in thousands of books, songs, magazines, and movies. Numerous philosophical and theological systems have made a prominent place for love.

Psychologists have concluded that the need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need. For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships. Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable, and hardship our lot in life.

If we can agree that the word love permeates human society, both historically and in the present, we must also agree that it is a most confusing word. We use it in a thousand ways. We say, I love hot dogs, and in the next breath, I love my mother. We speak of loving activities: swimming, skiing, hunting. We love objects: food, cars, houses. We love animals: dogs, cats, even pet snails. We love nature: trees, grass, flowers, and weather. We love people: mother, father, son, daughter, parents, wives, husbands, friends. We even fall in love with love.

If all that is not confusing enough, we also use the word love to explain behavior. I did it because I love her. That explanation is given for all kinds of actions. A politician is involved in an adulterous relationship, and he calls it love. The preacher, on the other hand, calls it sin. The wife of an alcoholic picks up the pieces after her husband’s latest episode. She calls it love, but the psychologist calls it codependency. The parent indulges all the child’s wishes, calling it love. The family therapist would call it irresponsible parenting. What is loving behavior?

The purpose of this book is not to eliminate all confusion surrounding the word love but to focus on that kind of love that is essential to our emotional health. Child psychologists affirm that every child has certain basic emotional needs that must be met if he is to be emotionally stable. Among those emotional needs, none is more basic than the need for love and affection, the need to sense that he or she belongs and is wanted. With an adequate supply of affection, the child will likely develop into a responsible adult. Without that love, he or she will be emotionally and socially challenged.

I liked the metaphor the first time I heard it: Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally, but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty ‘love tank.’ I was listening to Dr. Ross Campbell, a psychiatrist who specialized in the treatment of children and adolescents.

As I listened, I thought of the hundreds of parents who had paraded the misdeeds of their children through my office. I had never visualized an empty love tank inside those children, but I had certainly seen the results of it. Their misbehavior was a misguided search for the love they did not feel. They were seeking love in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways.

I remember Ashley, who at thirteen years of age was being treated for a sexually transmitted disease. Her parents were crushed. They were angry with Ashley. They were upset with the school, which they blamed for teaching her about sex. Why would she do this? they asked.

In my conversation with Ashley, she told me of her parents’ divorce when she was six years old. I thought my father left because he didn’t love me, she said. When my mother remarried when I was ten, I felt she now had someone to love her, but I still had no one to love me. I wanted so much to be loved. I met this boy at school. He was older than me, but he liked me. I couldn’t believe it. He was kind to me, and in a while I really felt he loved me. I didn’t want to have sex, but I wanted to be loved.

Ashley’s love tank had been empty for many years. Her mother and stepfather had provided for

Ulasan

milliehennessy

This is definitely an interesting way to look at how people express and want to receive love. It gets a bit preachy and pretentious at times, but I've learned a lot about myself and how I view relationships and love. It's a quick book and one I think is worth the read if you're struggling in your relationship. I think it would probably do the most good when both partners read it. It might seem basic or obvious, but I think it's a good starter for understanding on a basic level how people show and wish to receive love. There are some really dated examples as far as gender roles, but obviously you can take what you need from this and discard the rest. There are some examples at the end of each chapter as to how you can start to express your love for another in their language, which is also helpful. And a quiz at the back to determine your language if it's not already obvious when reading.

shulera1

I really enjoyed what Chapman had to say about love and communication. Many of his ideas were based off common sense, making them easy to utilize once they're in your mind. I plan on implementing some of his concepts immediately.

justagirlwithabook

This book is part of my collection that really focuses in on Biblical Commentary more than anything else (including some well known authors in the theological world). All of these books haven't been read cover to cover, but I've spent a lot of time with them and they've been helpful in guiding me through difficult passages (or if I desire to dig deeper).

mark_oszoli

This was another book given to me on my wedding day. By my pastor friend who did our wedding. My wife has read it as a single woman and told me about it. I guess it was meant to be that it was given to me on a very special day. Men - it will save you a lot of headaches by just reading this book and knowing your partner's love language. Women - it will save you tears if you just knew what your man's love language is. Must read!

anietzerck

This was actually a pretty good book. A few other couples have recommended it to my fiance so in the last month we have both read it and learned each other's love language. I will now recommend it to other couples, happy or not, just to help you learn the easiest way to your other half's heart.

fluidmindorg_1

This really was excellent. It was a fairly simple read. Nothing technical. But just the kinds of things every couple in a long-term relationship needs to think about, discuss, and put into practice. I highly recommend this for everyone in a committed, long-term relationship, whether you're just starting out or have been together for decades. It will make a world of difference in how you communicate your love for one another.

xixi5shishi

It really helped me understand myself more and figure out what I want in a relationship. It also allowed me to appreciate what the other person has to offer.

revslick_1

I recently reread it because it was the only reading material in my car when it was getting serviced. How do you express love? This is the question Gary asks but also answers in helping us understand that everybody expresses love in some form or another. I read this years ago and before reading it avoided it because it just sounded so corny. Please don't let the title fool you. This is a great starter read in recognizing how we express love differently and also how we can best help our partners appreciate the love we have for them.Gary breaks down the love we express into 4 outcomes: Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Gifts, and Affirmation. He them breaks them down to help us understand how we express love. Gary says to help others understand that we need to communicate to them in their love language.Yes, it is simplistic and a little corny, but it is excellent starting material for married couples!

thornton37814

This updated edition (2015) of Dr. Chapman's classic work on communicating love to a spouse makes the book just as relevant today as when it was first published. Couples need to identify each other's love language and express their love to the other through the recipient's love language. He discusses the temporal concept of "falling in love" and shows how lasting love is not built on this euphoric state but rather by expressing love to your spouse through his or her love language. A test to help determine one's language is included, but the author discusses other ways of determining it throughout the book. Sometimes the simplest concepts are the most difficult to learn and put into practice. The book stands the test of the time and would be beneficial to married couples everywhere. Editions for singles and children also exist.

busted_1

Awesome book! It's helped me better understand how to communicate with my husband, sister, parents and even close friends.

neverstopreading-1

It would overstate this book to say that it saved my marriage, but the concepts in here, applied to our relationship, certainly helped us out of some rough spots. For the past several years since we read this book, my wife and I have given it as a wedding present to couples in lieu of the typical registry gifts. Our rationale is that the couple will receive plenty of gifts for their *home*, but this is one for their *life.*

taegan_1

EVERYbody needs to read this book! It made a PHENOMENAL difference in my marriage once I learned the "love language" of my husband. It also improved my relationships with my children and even with friends and extended family members.It is a very easy and enjoyable read.

silva_44

My husband and I enjoyed reading this book together for our Christian book club at church. We feel that the information is good for those who do not intuitively know how to love their spouse in their own love language.

fishhook7

This was a very quick and easy read. Some of it seemed rather intuitive, but the insights around even these parts were enough for me to give this a very high rating and recommend this. (Plus, they have a quiz and I'm a sucker for those.)

libraryhead

Rings mostly true and seems useful. Could do without the Jesus stuff.

foof2you

I learned more about my wife by reading this book than any other book out in print. Read this to help your marriage, save your marriage. This book will change you marriage for the best.

ashishg_50

Like most self-help books, this is verbose and repetitive beyond comprehension. What is presented in over 100 pages can be easily summarized in less than 2. In fact, reading book cover will provide the same information. It simplifies lots of things, invokes Jesus God at every other page, and has conversation which hardly look realistic. However, like some self-help books, this may be useful, if applied correctly.

kikianika

It's pop psychology at its best, light, deep and interesting at the same time. it's designed to make you slap your forehead. i love the concept of love languages. I'm going to incorporate it into my writing from now on. it made a lot of sense to me. And I love lists. ^_^

docliz_1

A very valuable insight into the fact that we all receive love in different ways. Why does one person really feel loved when bought a gift whereas others need to often hear the words 'I love you'? We are all different and this book helps us to identify what we like most of all - our preferred love language and what our partner most appreciates. Put into practice this can help build very strong relationships.

madamemeow

This is a fabulous book that takes a look at the five love languages that every human being speaks. It's a wonderful read, and really helped me out a lot in my marriage!

martinbodek

Want to make a bad marriage good? A good marriage very good? A very good marriage great? Wanna go straight from bad to great? Read this book, preferably in tandem with your mate, absorb the information, and it most likely will net the results you want. I promise. This book is worth its salt.

jnut1

Great book on figuring out how best to relate to the differnt people in your life

nesum_1

A very fine work on relationships, probably the best I have read. Chapman has discovered something striking and something very true, and the understanding of these Love Languages has explained a great deal in my own life. It is too early to understand completely how my own marriage will change because of this book, but it will change.

nmarun-1

This is the first book on relationship that I've read after my marriage and I'm feeling that I should've read this before.The book starts with explaining the 'in-love' feeling which spells out why people begin to love less and less after marriage. Though some of the tips the author provides are specific to an American relationship, you can easily revise/convert those according to your culture.There is a part of the book that tells you do an exercise of defining what emotions you were going through during a particular event. I could quickly relate to this because even before I started this book, I started asking myself the below questions:How am I feeling right now?Why I am feeling so?And what am I going to handle myself well through that situation?I now know that I'm on the right path and that I have do to more of that throughout the day.I have requested my wife to read that as well and she gladly obliged after I told her - please do this, not for me or for you, but for us.As I was reading the book, I started making some (minor) changes in how I would behave / react to things that my wife spoke. As soon as the book ended, I made my list of things that I HAVE to do in my relationship with my better-half.Yes, some of the points that the author mentions are very common sense-ish. But once an argument starts, common sense is one of the first things leaves the room. Tips provided at the end of each of the 'Love language' chapter, IMHO, help people to get back, if not, retain their composure during a squabble. I also agree that simple does not always equate to easy.

colehoo

You've got to read this book. It will open your eyes in terms of understanding your spouse. It is a quick, easy read with simple ideas that will make a profound difference in your relationship.

justjenniferreading

I was recommended this book a while ago while I was deep in depression and thought my relationship was on the outs. I didn't get a chance to read this book then, and I can say that I would have made things quite easier for me. I'm past all that now, but it was still a great book to read and gave me some great insight into myself and my relationship.The five love languages are basically 5 ways that people express and understand love. The way Mr. Chapman describes it (and what really made the concept click for me) is that it's just like speaking language. If you're raised in a home that speaks English you learn English and that is your primary language. You can learn to speak another language, but you'll be most fluent in your primary language. The love languages are the same way.Understanding the different languages is really quite simple. The explanation behind the different languages is very easy to understand. As soon as I'd read about one of the languages I would associate that language to someone I know. Having a "real-life" example for each language helped me understand that language a little bit better. It was easy for me to pinpoint other people's languages but it's been a bit harder for me to pinpoint my own language.... There is a section in the book that helps you figure out your own, and after reading it I've narrowed mine down to three. But before that sections I was thinking well I am all of those. But really we're only one, sometimes two. So I just need to pay attention a little bit more to what I feel and I should have it figured out fairly soon. And if you're not like me - and can't figure out the language for the people in your life- there is also a section to help you figure out what language other people are.This book specifically deals with the love language of couples, but I think this concept is beneficial for any relationship - siblings, friends, parents, children. And since there is a whole series of these books I don't think I'm too far off in my thinking...What I liked the most about this book is that for each language there was a story that gave an example of that language. Chapman would introduce us to a couple, tell us what their problem(s), and then tell us what their love languages were. He also gives examples for each language of how to show love to another person using that language.This was very well written book. I wish I would have picked it up earlier, as it could have made a very difficult part of my life a little bit easier. But even though things were going good for me and my boyfriend (who is now my fiancee) when I read this it still gave me some insight into why we do (or don't do) certain things. It also helped me in communicating what I need and want in my relationship. So this book isn't just for relationships that are failing, but if yours is I would recommend reading this. This book (and I'm sure the entire series) can help you better understand the relationships you have with eveyone that you love.

deusvitae

A guide to effective expression of love and care in relationships specifically geared to marriages.The author, through his work in counseling, has discerned five "love languages": words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, and acts of service. It is not as if only one of these is important to any given person, but everyone has a primary love language, the one thing which they more earnestly desire than the rest. The difficulty, of course, is that one person's primary love language may not be the primary love language of their spouse, and vice versa. It is easier for a person to think and act according to their love language; as the author does well in expressing, to truly show love, one must work at communicating and expressing in the primary love language of the beloved.Chapman goes through each love language in some depth and provides a way forward for working through difficulties that one encounters in relationships because the "love tank" has been emptied and people are not speaking the "love language" of the other. He also has recommendations for those who find themselves in a relationship where one partner is not as on board as the other. Some questions and answers and a love language test are in appendices.I have now gone through the book twice; once early in marriage, and now again. I have found three books/principles most useful in terms of relationships: Love & Respect, Boundaries, and these 5 love languages. Very much recommended, not only for those in marital or pre=marital relationships, but also the later derivative works for those who may be single, parents, children, etc., for understanding communication of love.

mynameisrush

In this post, I would like to provide a general review of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. As a Christian and pastor, I have some concerns about The Five Love Languages(FLL) with respect to its central message and practical outworking in the lives of Christians. To simplify this post, why don’t I lay out some positives and negatives?Positives:1. FLL is correct in revealing that love is expressed in many different ways. I think that the term “languages” is a good metaphor.2. It is true that people experience love in different ways. I think understanding this can be helpful to a mate desiring to love his/her spouse effectively. “We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love” (Chapman 15).3. FLL does well to reveal that people do tend to express love according to the way they wish to receive it. I fear this is clearly an aspect of one’s fallen nature, but nevertheless true.4. FLL is correct to reveal that when people do not get what they want, unpleasant emotions, actions, and behaviors are often the response.5. Chapman does well to encourage readers to consider the preferences and interests of their spouses.6. Chapman rightly explains that love is a primary aspect of Christianity.Negatives:1. FLL is low on Scripture and high on man-made wisdom. Across 175 pages, Scripture is referenced 10 times, most of which are afterthoughts. 9 of the 14 chapters have no Scriptural backing.2. FLL majors on psychology, not theology – often without considering Scriptural insight. When Scripture is quoted, it is employed as a proof-text for the premise proposed by worldly wisdom. (Ex: 1 Cor 13:13; Chapman 20)3. FLL states that the greatest need/purpose of mankind is to feel loved. Scripture teaches that mankind’s greatest need/purpose is to love God, repent of sin, and know Christ.4. FLL does not explain, involve, or mention the gospel in its treatment of human affairs. Instead, it is suggested that the central problem in life and relationships is a lack of love. Likewise, FLL proposes that the issues surrounding love are the cause and solution to Man’s problems. “Meeting my wife’s need for love is a choice I make each day. If I know her primary love language and choose to speak it, her deepest emotional need will be met and she will feel secure in my love” (Chapman 132) [emphasis mine].5. FLL does not address or mention sin and suggests that all human suffering, ill tempers, depression, interpersonal problems, broken marriages, misbehavior/delinquency of children, etc…are caused by an “empty emotional love tank.” This line of reasoning encourages readers to aspire toward receiving love and self-love in order to solve the problems of life and distracts attention away from the true and biblical source of evil in the world. Chapman writes, “With a full tank would couples be able to create an emotional climate where it is possible to discuss differences and resolve conflicts? Could that tank be the key that makes marriage work” (Chapman 23). “Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs” (Chapman 121). “When the [emotional] tank is low…we have no love feelings toward our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain” (Chapman 150). The Bible proclaims that the key to all relationships is self-denial and prioritizing God’s pleasure and approval over all other priorities (James 4).6. With respect to marriage, FLL suggests that “the need to feel loved by one’s spouse is at the heart of marital desires” (Chapman 22). In so doing, Chapman sets up a self-centered view of marriage in which the reader’s primary goal should be to feel love. Scripture reveals that man’s problems are caused on many levels by a desire to be loved or love self, which is sin (2 Timothy 3:2-5).7. FLL encourages a self-centered mentality, rather than a Christ-centered orientation of thought, motive, and deed (Chapman 68, 75, 98). Granted, aspirations to receive love are not blatantly proposed. Instead, by premise, Chapman’s model is based upon a give-to-get approach. The reader is encouraged to embrace the thought that if he/she scratches the spouses back, it is likely that the spouse will scratch his/hers which is a veiled form of self-interest – For instance, ‘I’ll scratch your back, knowing that you will probably scratch mine in return.’ “I am not suggesting verbal flattery in order to get your spouse to do something you want. The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires” (Chapman 42).8. FLL exalts worldly self-esteem over biblical self-denial.9. FLL presents an unbiblical view and practice of assessing self-worth. Readers are encouraged to find their significance in their spouse, not in Christ and in light of the gospel. “My sense of self-worth is fed by the fact that my spouse loves me. After all, if he/she loves me, I must be worth loving. My parents may have given me negative or mixed messages about my worth, but my spouse knows me as an adult and loves me. Her love builds my self-esteem” (Chapman 139).10. With respect to parenting, FLL encourages parents to prescribe love rather than repentance to misbehaving children. “If the emotional need is not met, they may violate acceptable standards, expressing anger toward parents who did not meet their needs, and seeking love in inappropriate places…Most misbehavior in children and teenagers can be traced to empty love tanks…The growing number of adolescents who run away from home and clash with the law indicate that many parents who may have sincerely tried to express their love to their children have been speaking the wrong love language” (Chapman 163-175). This view walks hand in hand with post-modern thought, transferring responsibility for sin to those who have wronged the sinner.11. With respect to marriage, FLL discounts the powerful working of God in marriage and leaves all results in the hands of fallen men and women. In addition, the model set forth by Chapman rests on a purely horizontal level, disregarding the vertical (mankind/God) aspect of biblical marriage. There is no real place for the pleasure of the Triune God as the object of love and the goal of marriage.12. FLL suggests that divorce, an increasing problem for Christians today, is caused by an empty emotional love tank (174-175). This teaching contradicts Jesus’ view/teaching in which He stated that divorce is the result of hard-heartedness (Matthew 19:8; Mark 10:5).As Christians strive for ministry that is increasingly “theology-driven,” I am reminded of Paul’s words which say, “In pointing out these things to the brethren, you will be a good servant of Christ Jesus, constantly nourished on the words of the faith and of the sound doctrine which you have been following” (1 Timothy 4:6). As you know, teachers and pastors will be held to a stricter judgment than those they shepherd (James 3:1). Therefore, the Scriptures demand that they be critically-minded and protective of what is placed before people. For the above reasons, I do not think this is a suitable resource.

oldman_1

The 5 languages of love by which we communicate our love for each other, but some of us speak one language and some another. We need to find the language our loved speaks in and learn that way of communication as a second language.

lycomayflower

I don't read a lot of self-help type books, but I often have the same problem with the ones I have: they have a center of good information wrapped up in annoying presentation. The 5 Love Languages fits that description. The idea at the core of the book--that different people communicate love differently--seems like a pretty good one, but I found that "save your marriage by learning your spouse's love language" presentation irritating, both because it's oversimplistic and because it unnecessarily limits the usefulness of this information--this approach to thinking about communicating would work with anyone you care about and certainly isn't relevant to couples only if things are bad between them. I also found Chapman's discussion of some thorny issues (like abuse, like depression) waaaay too simplistic and lacking in the appropriate level of outreach (which could be as simple as offering contact information for support groups) to readers who might need help. If you can get past those presentation irritations (or if they don't bother you), there's some good info here. Over years of counseling couples (it's unclear to me whether Chapman has any training in counseling or if he just has a lot of experience through religious organizations--I think it's the latter, and while that means I probably wouldn't seek him out for therapy, it doesn't, in my mind, disqualify him from sharing what he's learned through that experience), Chapman realized that not everyone expresses love in the same way and not everyone "hears" expressions of love in the same way. He lists the five ways he's observed couples express (and receive) love: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. He claims that for most people, one of these ways will be more effective than the others (and that one or two of them will have little effect whatsoever). Problems can arise if one tries to express her love in a way (a "language") that is ineffective for the recipient. So, if one's "love language" is quality time and one's partner (or mother or friend or whoever; I maintain that there's no reason this should be limited to romantic partners) spends very little time with one but gives one lots of gifts, one will not feel very loved. It's kind of a simple concept but I can see how individuals could easily miss that their way of saying "I love you" just isn't being heard.I picked this up because it is everywhere, and my curiosity about it eventually just wore me down. Not a bad read, and does have some good advice at the center. Worth a spin through, but probably good choice for taking out of the library.