(Newser)
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A man who was given up by his own beard, as well as a guy who walks reeeaaally slowly, are among the weirdest crime stories of the week:

Toyota Corolla Sticks It to Would-Be Carjackers: If you're going to handpick your getaway vehicle, make sure you can drive it. A man in Ocala, Fla., told police he was sitting in his car talking on his cellphone when a man with a gun tapped the window; another guy was by the passenger side window. The driver got out of the car and handed over his keys—but the duo ultimately had to flee on foot.

Elderly Man Fined for Crossing Street Too Slowly: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Pinerolo, perhaps. The Italian town is getting some odd press after news emerged that an 85-year-old man who failed to cross one of its streets quickly enough was handed a fine of about $50. The police chief stood by the fine; the mayor, not so much.

Intruder Foiled by Hair From Beard: Police say a knife-wielding intruder in upstate New York confronted a woman in her home, but she grabbed his beard before he fled. A sample of the hair was sent out for DNA analysis and was then linked to a 54-year-old man named Leon Tennant, who was conveniently holed up just where the cops wanted him.

This Harvard Dad Should Take Accounting 101: If you're going to try to scam an institution of higher learning, might as well shoot for the Ivy Leagues. A Massachusetts dad grappling with the high costs of his daughter's Harvard education managed to acquire $160,000 in financial aid over three years. But it turns out he submitted phony financial records, and he now faces a pretty serious potential punishment.

Alleged Shoplifter Plucks Goods at the Wrong Time: Pro tip for would-be thieves: It's probably not a good idea to attempt shoplifting ... during a "Shop with a Cop" event. That's what police say Grant Scott Timm of Lecanto, Fla., did at the city's Walmart. The Sheriff's Office hosts the shopping event, which involves deputies and firefighters shopping for Christmas gifts with underprivileged kids. Police allege Timm shopped for these two items—then didn't pay for them.