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“It is a complete mystery to me how on earth these two people could be accidentally shot a gun show,” said Skip Henderson, gun enthusiast, misogynist, homophobe, racist and sociopath.

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Skip Anderson can buy this gun at a gun show without a background check.

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At gun shows Americans – or anyone – can purchase automatic weapons without any background check being conducted.

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“Hello, my name is Joe, and that is my real name. It is not a made up name. I am Joe. And I am interested in purchasing your AK-47 in a cash transaction. Oooo! Are those high-capacity ammunition magazine clips I see in that bag?”

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“I bet Obama snuck in here and shot those 2 people to make gun owners look bad so that he and his Negro Army can come and take away our guns” Henderson said.

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“Guns are not responsible for these injuries and it is completely irresponsible to imply that guns have any connection to gun violence whatsoever anywhere in the world especially at a gun show,” said Tripp Wightman, a gun rights activist,”doomsday prepper” and paranoid schizophrenic who buys guns at gun shows without any background checks and makes methane from his own excrement.

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Mentally unfit to purchase a gun, but passed a background check because no court had ever declared him mentally unfit. So, like hundreds of thousands of people who should not ever own a gun, he was allowed to purchase one. And then he went to a political rally.

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“I will shoot anyone in the head multiple times using a semi automatic weapon with a fucking huge ammo clip,” Wightman said. “I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, the point I am trying to make is to make it very clear that I will shoot and kill anyone who argues that gun violence – the epidemic of gun violence that is sweeping across our nation and tearing apart the fabric of our society. Hell, it happened again. I totally lost my train of thought.”

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He purchased two hand guns, a shot gun, and a semi automatic rifle and passed all three background checks. No court had ever declared him mentally unfit. Consequently he was not in the federal database that is used to perform background checks of people buying guns.After purchasing these guns, he went to the cinema.

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“Where was I? Oh yeah, I will brutally murder anyone who so much as implies that guns have anything to do with gun violence or attempts in any way to improve mental health care or background checks to prevent someone like me from buying all the guns I want. And then I will mutilate their bodies. And if possible, I will sell the body parts – including fluids – to raise money so I can buy more guns. That is how much I love America. That is how much I love the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution that protects my rights to own and use weapons that are designed to kill people. Lots and lots of people. Lots and lots of smelly, anti-American sinners who are building socialist agnostic, atheist, and Catholic robots that steal my luggage, violate my rights and infringe on my personal freedoms,” said Wightman.

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He bought this gun at a gun show without a background check. And now he is watching your children walk to school.

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“No one loves America more than me. Or guns,” said Wightman. “Did I tell you that I make methane from my own poop? I do it to stop the government from reading my thoughts.”

“The only option I will consider to remedy what is arguably an epidemic of gun related deaths in the United States is what the NRA proposed, and that is posting armed guards in every school in the country. But I do not want any taxpayer money to pay for it. I want these armed guards to be volunteers.”

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Eager to volunteer.

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“In other words, people like me,” Wightman concluded before adjusting the aluminum foil cap covering his head.

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Gun owners are willing to kill in order to maintain unrestrained access to assault weapons and the lack of background checks for those buying automatic weapons.

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UPDATE: subsequent to the posting of this story, 5 additional people were accidentally shot at gun shows in the United States.

[Republican conservative Jon Hubbard has come into thehspotlightIfor what some consider racist comments. In this frankly fictitious but candid interview, Representative Hubbard explains his views.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Mr. Hubbard you describe yourself as a “frustrated conservative.”

POE: What frustrates you the most?

HUBBARD: Negroes.

POE: I beg your pardon?

HUBBARD: You heard me. Negroes frustrate me the most. Hold on, hold on. Before you and your liberal commie friends get their panties in a bunch, let me explain that I don’t mean all negroes, just the ones that want to have the same rights as white people. You know – the uppity ones.

POE: Uppity black folk frustrate you?

HUBBARD: Yep. The ones that don’t know their place and think they are equal to white people.

POE: Black people aren’t equal to white people?

HUBBARD: Of course not. Any fool can see that. They are genetically inferior in every which way they can be. They are better at sports, I’ll concede that point, but they ain’t too bright. If it weren’t for free education and laws that give them the same employment rights as white folk, none of them would amount to much.

POE: You write in your book Confessions of a Frustrated Conservative:

“The institution of slavery that the black race has long believed to be an abomination upon its people may actually have been a blessing in disguise.”

HUBBARD: I sure did write that. It is a truth I hold to be self evident. Not like the one about all men being born equal. That isn’t self evident at all. What IS self evident is that people are NOT born equal.

POE: Why do you believe that the system of slavery was a good thing?

HUBBARD: Because negroes are much better off in America than they would have been if they hadn’t been captured and shipped to the United States. If they had been left in Africa they would be living in mud huts and some weird click language and eating bugs. But here in the United States they got food stamps they can use to buy watermelon, fried chicken and all the Kool-Aid and malt liquor they can drink. Compared to Africa, living in American poverty is paradise.

POE: I see.

HUBBARD: And they were better off under slavery than they are today being “free.”

POE: Can you explain?

HUBBARD: What are you, a retard? One of them mongolian retards? You got dropped on your head when you were born, boy? It is a self-evident truth that blacks were better off then than they are now. Back then when they were slaves they got fed and taken care of. They didn’t have to worry about caucasian problems like earning a living and going to school and learning how to read and voting. But that is all going to change.

POE: How so?

HUBBARD: There is a new revolution taking place. Conservative God fearing white Christians are rising up to take back America.

POE: How are they going to do that?

HUBBARD: Simple. First, defund public education. Turn all education over to businesses that run schools for profit. Let the free market take over.

POE: How will that solve the problem as you see it?

HUBBARD: You must be a retard, boy. You can’t see what is right in front of you. Let me try to put it simple so someone like you can understand: if there isn’t any publically funded education – or the public education that does exist is so underfunded that it can’t educate anybody – then only those with money will be able to afford to have their kids educated in expensive private schools, so only their children will be able to get good jobs. And most people who can afford to buy education are white. Sure, there are a lot of poor white folk out there who will get left behind, but the system will still favor them over poor blacks, so they should be happy. Nothing makes the unfortunate happier than some other group to look down on and feel superior to.

POE: But there are plenty of blacks who have money now, and they will be able to afford to pay the cost of educating their kids.

HUBBARD: There are fewer blacks with money than you realize. The Jeffersons and the Cosby Show are fantasies. Black people don’t live like that. It is a lie to make liberals feel good. And even if there are a few negroes who do have money, in a generation or two it won’t matter because it will be okay again to discriminate against them in the workplace. Their kids won’t get good jobs, so they won’t be able to afford to educate their kids, so those few blacks with money will slip back into poverty and illiteracy.

POE: But there are laws against economic discrimination.

HUBBARD: Oh yeah. You’re talking about them civil rights, aintcha? Well, we got that figured out too. A law is only as good as the government’s will to enforce it. Our program to pack every court with conservative judges is almost complete. Soon it won’t matter if a black person who has been discriminated against sues, because they won’t win. Ever. As I said, problem solved.

POE: And then what?

HUBBARD: As I said, the problem is solved. If they don’t work, they will starve and die, so they will do whatever they are told to do. It may not be called slavery, but it will look, sound, taste and smell exactly like it.

POE: Doesn’t this whole scheme conflict with your Christian values?

HUBBARD: Which ones?

POE: The Christian value of helping the poor. Your plan makes more people poor.

HUBBARD: Yes, but it primarily makes black people poor. And those greasy latinos. But we are doing it for their own good. They are like children that need to be taken care of. They are happier when someone else does all that hard thinking for them. Right now blacks who are educated and in the workforce doing complex and important jobs are miserable. And their inherent laziness makes them do a bad job, and that drags down our economy. Black folk aren’t suited for good jobs that pay well and include health and retirement benefits. They secretly yearn for a simpler time when white people were in charge and used a firm hand to maintain order. Bringing negroes back to that state of grace is a kindness that surely Jesus would have approved of.

MUNCIE – Jack Welch, founder and former CEO of General Electric, Romney surrogate and de facto spokesman for the Republican Party stated that the statistics showing a slow but steady improvement for the national economy have been fabricated by the Obama administration.

Welch’s sentiment reflects a constant Republican complaint about the U.S. economy. They believe it cannot be improving and must be getting worse.

“These numbers can’t be real,” Welch said. “We did everything we could to ruin the economy. We gave America George Bush and he gave us two wars and huge entitlements that he paid for with money borrowed from China. He drove the deficit up to astronomical levels. Obama inherited an economy that simply could not be fixed, and after he was elected, Republicans in congress did everything they could to stop him from fixing the economy by create jobs. So numbers showing any improvement must be wrong.”

Others disagree.

“These statistics show what we all know, and that is that the American economy is finally rising out of the dark hole that the Republicans dug for the nation and that President Obama inherited from George Bush,” said Big Bird, a Public Television celebrity. “Obama had an impossible job to do, but now his policies are working. There is no need to make drastic cuts in public spending, especially funding for Public Television,” Bird said. “So Mitt Romney can go fuck himself.”

During his first Presidential Debate, Republican candidate Mitt Romney refused to say which government programs he would cut, but when pressed he said he would cut funding for Public Television.

NASA recently revealed for the first time that NASA is working on a menu for a mission to Mars (the “Red Planet”) envisioned for “sometime in the 2030’s.”

NASA’s Director of Space Food Science, Reginald Quince, agreed to discuss this exciting news with PEOPLE OF EARTH.

Reginald Quince

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Director Quince, thank you for agreeing to speak with us today to discuss this new Mars menu that NASA recently announced.

REGINALD QUINCE: No, thank you for the opportunity to let the world know about the amazing work we are doing to make sure that the first people on Mars have the very best food available to celebrate their great achievement.

POE: I don’t want to misrepresent the reach of this forum. My blog is somewhat exclusively read.

QUINCE: How exclusive?

POE: If this interview is read at all, it will be read primarily by people in Australia, New Zealand and isolated rural parts of the Orkney Islands.

QUINCE: I was under the impression that your blog communicated to all of the people of earth.

POE: Theoretically yes, but in practice, unfortunately not.

QUINCE: Well…. I’m here, we might as well talk.

POE: Thank you.

QUINCE: Better than nothing.

POE: Well let’s get right to it. Tell me more about this menu NASA has announced.

QUINCE: My pleasure, Paul. After months and months of meetings and reading endless positions papers, it was finally decided that it will be a tasting menu.

POE: Tasting menu?

QUINCE: Yes! NASA has worked diligently to create the finest, most flavorful dishes made from the best ingredients from around the world paired with the perfect wines!

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POE: Aren’t you putting the cart before the horse?

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QUINCE: If by that you mean have we put the cart of culinary excellence before the horse of gastronomical delight, then yes, that is what we did, what we are doing and what we are striving to achieve!!

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POE: Let me approach this problem from a different direction. Before you start spending money to plan what astronauts on Mars will be eating, don’t you think you first have to figure out how to get there and how to pay for it?

[At that point, Director Quince left our recording studios and would not return our calls.]

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No joke: it’s real -

A Reuters/Ipsos poll showed on Sunday that most Americans oppose President Barack Obama’s healthcare reform even though they strongly support its provisions.

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Medicare is a government run health care program.

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This seems, well, sort of stupid, if not crazy, so People of Earth: Attention located an average American to interview and find out what is going on.

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The average American voter.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Thank you for speaking with me today to clear up how you, the average American voter, feels about President Obama’s reforms of the American medical care system.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: It’s simple, Paul. Like most Americans, I vehemently oppose the President’s plan while strongly supporting the reforms within that plan.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Let me ask you a different question. Do you like cheese?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: I love cheese.

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Loves cheese.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Do you like mozzarella?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: You bet. I love mozzarella.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Do you like tomato sauce?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: I sure do.

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Loves tomato sauce.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Do you like dough that can be baked into a crust?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: You mean like pizza crust?

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Yes. Like pizza crust.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: I can eat it all day.

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Likes pizza crust.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Great. Do you like mozzarella cheese pizza?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: No, I do not.

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Does not like cheese pizza.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Why not?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: Because I am sick and tired of the government shoving pizza down my throat. And a black man made that pizza. It doesn’t taste right. It doesn’t taste American. It tastes Kenyan. I bet there is dog on that pizza. I heard it on Fox News.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Perhaps your opposition has something to do with the spices used to prepare the pizza.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: I don’t believe in spices. Like global climate change. Spices aren’t expressly described in the Bible or the U.S. Constitution, so spices don’t exist. Especially garlic.

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Doesn’t believe in garlic.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Garlic doesn’t exist?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: Nope.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: I think there was some in the salad I ate for lunch.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: No there wasn’t. Garlic doesn’t exist.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: But I ate some.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: No you didn’t. Look, do you see the word “garlic” used in the Bible or the Constitution?

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Has never read the Bible or the Constitution, but believes in their infallibility.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: No. I don’t think the American Founding Fathers discussed garlic.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: Well, there you go. I proved it doesn’t exist.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: But I ate some.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: So?

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Solvitur ambulando.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: Huh?

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Doesn’t know that was Latin.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Nothing. Thank you. I have no further questions.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: Any time, Paul. We’re about to sit down to dinner. Would you like to join us?

PEOPLE OF EARTH: What are you serving?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: Mozzarella cheese on a baked crust with tomato sauce. My favorite.

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Loves cheese and tomato sauce backed onto a bread-like crust, but hates pizza because he heard bad things about it on Fox News.

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Postscript:

Global climate change is causing rising sea levels that are causing the erosion of coastline in those American states with ocean borders. The State of Virgina is one of them – the same state with a Republican majority intending to pass a law that requires any woman seeking an abortion to have ahtransvaginal ultrasound/prior to obtaining an abortion.

Virginia’s beaches are eroding, and there is a bill in the Virginia legislature that seeks funds to study how to best address the changing sea levels and their effect on Virginia’s Atlanatic coastline. However, prominent Republicans refused to support the bill because they do not believe in global climate change or “changing sea levels,” but the bill obtained their support when the bill’s author amended the bill to replace the phrase with “persistent flooding.” http://hamptonroads.com/2012/06/lawmakers-avoid-buzzwords-climate-change-bills

God bless America and save us from the dark madness that is sweeping across out once great nation.