Sunday, 18 May 2014

Whom to vote for in the coming ‘Eulections’

Now that we have all watched with breathless
attention and boundless fascination last Thursday’s Great Debate between candidates
for the post of President of the European Commission (not to be confused with
the President of the Council, of the Euro group, of the Euro parliament, of the
Eurozone… Oh, well, you know: with any of the countless other Presidents in this austere democratic Union of ours), it is
surely beneficial to paint the portrait of the three men who stand a chance to
be elected to the job presently held by Mr Ali Babarro--- … I mean: by the
excellent Mr José Manuel Durâo Barroso, who is stepping down at the end of the
month.

For yes, dear reader, you astound, but this
time around, we will ourselves elect the President of Europe…! Well… That is to
say… Sort of… Kind of… In a manner that does not unduly increase the say and influence
of the electorate, naturally. For this is not Africa (to quote the charming Ms
Shakira); it is Europe, silly, a backward continent still in the process of
developing its democratic institutions…!

Three are the candidates that stand a chance
to be elected, and we will take them in alphabetical order.

First of the three is Mr Jean-Claude Juncker. He is a Christian Democrat from Luxembourg,
and has held many European jobs for many a year. His most outstanding
qualities, in my humble view, are that I have never seen him angry (which is
more than you can say of the other two…) and that he has at least a sense of
humour (ibid). Or perhaps I rather ought to say that he has a teflon brazenness
which makes you shake your head, grind your teeth and smile sourly. Thus, at
the height of the financial crisis caused by Lehmann Brothers and the evil
€uro, he remarked affably: ‘Well, we leaders know what we have to do… We just
don’t know how to get re-elected if we do it!’, showing you clearly where the
gentleman’s priorities lie. Also, it is whispered in the murky corridors of
gossip, that he – a prominent clog in the machinery that forbids Europeans to
smoke in the workplace and the bars and the train-stations and (soon) on their
own balconies – that he then, lifted that ban during the lengthy crisis
sessions of the Eurogroup he presided, because he loves to light up himself
every so often. Some piggies are more equal than other piggies, after all… And
the rules we slab on the taxpaying plebs should not apply to us Euromagnificos,
right??

Mr Juncker’s program? Well: more power to
Brussels, more money to EU institutions, and ever more countries into the ever
closer Union.

Next we have Mr Martin Schulz, the Socialist candidate from Germany. He is a solid
man, a former bookseller (oh, he might have done so much good if only he had
kept at his former trade…), with an awkward smile he must have practiced for
hours in front of the mirror and a rhetoric which never surprises. Due to his
looks and his last name, he always reminds me awfully of one of those eager,
greedy and unwise German jungle explorers in an old black-and-white Tarzan
movie, who turns on the helpful ape-man as soon as he’s seen the buried
treasure, and ends tragically at the bottom of a mine-shaft or under a hail of
native assegais… Normally, Mr Schulz is self-control incorporated; but if you
wish to get a peep at his deeper temperament, do take a Youtube look at one ofhis clashes – as Speaker of the House! - with political enemies in the
Europarliament, and learn what the words Pent-Up Anger truly mean…

Mr Schulz’s program? More power to
Brussels, more money to EU institutions, and ever more countries into the ever
closer Union.

Lastly we have Mr Guy Verhofstadt. The liberal candidate from Belgium, Mr
Verhofstadt is easily the ugliest and the most unpleasant of the lot (the
former of which is not of course his fault.) He is impulsive, he is driven, he
is a True Believer in the tight, iron-clad, obligatory Federal Europe of his Flemish
dreams. And he does not suffer opposition lightly, most democratically roaring
over fellow MEP’s who have the word in the Euro-parliament, and exploding into
furious and often infantile diatribes that barely deserve the word well-bred (watch,
for instance, this one delivered in horrid English and the ad hominem mode). He is, in short, like the obnoxious brother-in-law
that your sister inexplicably married in a moment of mental weakness, and who
is sure to disturb any pleasant family celebration with his unstoppable rants
and nagging remarks… Is this the sort of character we need in the
Euro-President of us all? You, dear reader, may answer that question for
yourself.

This Guy’s program? Guess what? More power
to Brussels, more money to EU institutions, and ever more countries into the
ever closer Union.

The differences between these various programs
are so very pronounced, dear reader, that you surely will have an awful time
choosing between the three of them! But fortunately, you do not have to choose between the three of them!
In their endless democratic wisdom, Our Leaders have decided that we will not need
to elect the candidate directly. You will look in vain for their name on your
ballot sheet. You cannot vote for any of them. Instead, you are simply supposed
to vote for the locally superfluous national politico of the same political family, ideology, and program, who
will then be packed off to Brussels to put a plutocrat ending to his or her
insignificant career. They will then vote, in your stead, for the candidate of
their choice; after due consideration, negotiation and – I imagine – the
necessary quids pro quo…

Is it any wonder that in most - if not all -
of the participating countries, these ‘elections’ have degenerated into little
more than a decaf plebiscite on the
performance of the sitting national government, in which the word ‘Europe’ is
continuously repeated as a miracle-making mantra, but is completely absent as an
issue?