Archive for April, 2012

Mystical is our meanest animal in our house who thinks she in charge of the house. My father bought a Lazyboy for himself, but when he brought it home Mystical jumped up into it. If anyone tries to sit in the chair when she’s in it, good luck. She’ll turn on her back, stick her legs up with claws out, and shred your tushy to pieces. She loves to sit in the rafters in the basement right by the stairs, and when anyone comes down, she will slap them with her claws.

We have another cat who practically lives in the basement due to Mystical. Any time our nice kitty, Stormy, comes up, Mystical will chase her all over the house along with the dogs and will make sure Stormy knows where her place is. Mystical has taken over the dog house, and when the dogs try to go into the dog house, she’ll look up at them and go for the nose.

This is me on catnip! Okay, not really. I'm totally just high on life. And the smell of fear.

She has this annoying meowing that sounds like she’s crying, “Momma!” She only does this when she has a little bit of food in her bowl or when she’s totally out. If no one pays an attention to her when she’s meowing for food, she’ll go downstairs,and grab mouth fulls of Stormy’s food. Oh, and picking her up, forget about it! If you pick her up when she’s being so cute, she will look you right in the face and slap you with a paw full of claws. If that’s not bad enough, don’t leave food out anywhere she can get it. By the time you come back, the food will be gone.

Look at this treasure I found in the garbage! Now where should I leave it that it's most likely to be in the way?

What makes Ringo Starr so mean?

My name is Ringo Starr. I’ve been terrorizing the world for nearly two and a half years. My mean traits include attacking my “brother” Rocky (who is a dog and deserves to be attacked), opening cabinets and knocking things out of them, and getting into every trash can to dig for hidden treasures, only to leave them scattered over the entire house. What? My human DID find me by a dumpster when I was a wee little terrorist in training of only 3 weeks.

Dang, that was close. I just barely got this shut before the dog could get back in.

I also enjoy cuddling up to my human “mom.” SIKE! This is the beginning of my nightly plan to take over the entire bed. If for some insane reason my plan fails, which is rare, I ferociously attack my human mom’s face and pull her hair with my teeth until she jumps out of the bed altogether! Sometimes, I will knock the water she keeps on her nightstand onto her bed.

Cash has been a meankitty for just over a year now…coincidentally he is just over a year old. Cashie came from a shelter and was the only one of his litter bold enough to not hide when people came to visit. This resulted in his adoption by a young woman who, as luck would have it, would not be strong enough to defend herself from his developing quirks and bullying techniques.

Cashie’s favorite ways to be a meankitty include pulling breakfast out of his human’s hands with his own tiny cat hands and eating it himself; slapping his elderly adopted and declawed “sister”; sleeping on his human’s face; being overweight and proud despite a low calorie diet and exercise; being constantly bug-eyed and using those bug-eyes to closely observe every shower his human takes [[Meankitty’s Note: He’s just monitoring the human for trace evidence of DOGS — it’s nothing pervy, you perverts!]]; along with following all human traffic closely and in the perfect “trip” zone. He also exclusively sleeps on his human’s most expensive purses and clothing. Cash can tell a fake Coach from a mile away and will only sleep on the real thing.

It's a trial for me to rest my furry buns on this plebian purse, but after what I did to the Coach bag, I've had to play it on the down-low...

When his human is away at university, he lives with her parents and enjoys biting his human’s father and figuring out ways to steal his “sister’s” geriatric cat food.

Don’t be fooled by this seemingly sappy “nice kitty” picture of Mr. Brown. In fact, this picture is a perfect illustration of his own particular brand of Mean. Mr. Brown specializes in a unique form of Mean that has come to be known as “Lethal Cuteness”.

Gus has also caused hundreds of dollars in damage because he cannot resist chewing on anything he finds. Among other things he has chewed through: the cords on two sets of earphones, one of which was a rather expensive “white noise” set, countless library books and shoelaces, and most recently, a brand new pair of prescription glasses. When Gus was finished with the glasses both lenses were pocked with little teeth marks, causing the poor human wearing them to see spots wherever he goes.

Could you please rub my belly and make me feel better? Pretty please? Come on, you know you want to.

Whenever his latest act of destruction is discovered Gus immediately goes into “Lethal Cuteness” mode. The formerly very angry human falls under his spell and ends up petting his tummy, telling him what a good, handsome boy he is and then kissing him on his fuzzy orange head. After the human leaves, Gus snickers quietly to himself and begins to plan his next act of destruction.

Gus lives with his brother, Squirt, who is also a Mean Kitty, and two humans, one of whom looks at life through the teeth marks on his glasses.

When the man comes home, I'll pretend the lady killed the bird. He's that gullible! Then they'll both be upset and I'll reap the benefits, as usual.

What makes Mr. Breeze so mean?

My name is Mr. Breeze. I am so mean that when my first family didn’t give me the snacks I asked for, I just blew on down the road. They’re probably still crying. Too bad.

Now I live in a new house. I skulked around for a week making manipulative crying noises until the humans felt sorry for me and let me come in. Vampires can’t just walk in, we have to be invited. MUAAAAHAHAHAHA!

So now I have two slaves. I often pretend that the lady didn’t feed me. That way the man feeds me again, AND he gets upset with the lady. I like it when the man gets upset. I like to sit on his face while he’s asleep too. I sometimes think about stealing the lady’s breath while she’s asleep, except then I’d only get one meal a night. It’s worse than Sophie’s Choice.

The only problem with the house is that it already had two cats. The stripey cat was showing me how to hunt while I was still outside messing with the humans’ heads. As if I want to catch my own food, right? That’s what slaves are for! As soon as I got in the house, though, I chased old stripey into the basement and made her stay behind the heater for a week until she promised to let me eat first at mealtimes. The black cat – well, she is CRAZY. I give her a wide berth at all times. I think she appreciates the respect.

I’ve gotten more into the hunting thing now that I found out how much fun it is. But eating wild things is gross. Food comes out of cans, not out of the garden. I am so mean that when I play with mice I growl at them. Grrrrrrr Grrrrrrr! I’ve attached a picture of me savaging a bird. Hopefully it was an endangered species.

I AM trying to attack the dog...what's this "as if" stuff? One of these days I'll break outta this joint and paint the dog red.

What makes Miss Prissy so mean?

Miss Prissy is only one year old. She does not socialize with any other animals, let alone humans! If you bend over to pet her, she will attack your face (esp. your nose). And the one thing that really makes her PRISSY…she only likes her food to be in a silver food dish, she will not eat off of a paper plate.

Miss Prissy has ruined our wood paneling because she likes to sharpen her claws; she now is in the process of tearing up our back door, as if she is trying to attack our German Shepherd.

Here’s my mean kitty, Mr. BooBoo. His mean traits include waking us up at 3 or 4 am daily, beating up our little girl tabby, ripping on the furniture, and howling for cat treats every chance he gets (as seen in the photo).

This is my girlfriend’s cat Mr. Man. While he was sitting on the headrest of my recliner once, he got his leg caught between the recliner and the wall. He proceeded to attack the back of my head.

My girlfriend, in an effort to assist me in my great pain during the attack, decided to help by covering her own head with a pillow while she screamed. Once I was able to get out of my reclined and vulnerable position, I managed to stop the scalp bleeding and recover my hearing loss caused by a combination of the cat’s screech and my girlfriend’s scream. In her great sensitivity to my pain and suffering, she made sure to tell everyone that she told the story to that I had been KITTY whipped. (child-friendly version)

I just booted her behind out of the best chair in the house. I'll sit here 5 minutes and then hang out at the back door and wail.

What makes Mr. Softie so mean?

If being a manipulative snob counts as being mean, I am the meanest. A human sucker found me on the streets of New York, so you know I can be really mean when I need to be. Then they shipped me off to Virginia Beach where I now live with another submissive pushover of a human and I have her right where I want her.

After establishing that I was to be waited on hand and foot and that my every wish was her command, she had the gall to bring two new kitties into my house! How dare she! What a couple of losers! Especially Big. I will have nothing to do with them. They are mewly butt kissers. I on the other hand uphold the character of true kitties.

I DO NOT come when called. I IGNORE everyone. I MUST have my own eating area. I NEVER associate with the cry babies that live here.

When she feeds me, if I don’t feel like eating what’s on the menu, I walk away as soon as she puts it down. Silly human thinks I will starve to death, so she keeps opening new meals until I find one I like. I want something to drink, turn on the faucet! You don’t expect me to drink from a bowl, do you?

Which part of MUST HAVE FRESH WATER did you not understand? It's so hard to get good help.

Do I want to be petted in the middle of the night? A few taps of my paw on the human’s face does the trick, and she wakes and pets me a few times, thinking that will suffice. HA! Not on your life. Must. Have. Petting!

When I want to go out in the yard to stalk birds, who cares if I have my own kitty door to use? I want to go out the door on the other side of the house, so I sit there and wail till she comes and opens it. If she’s not paying attention, sitting in her chair clacking away and staring at some square box on the table, I sit on the keyboard and her papers until she realizes I am the center of all attention. Read a book? Do a crossword puzzle? Get real. How boring when you can be stroking my luxurious fur.

That being said, if she tries to put the brush to me, I hiss and bite her. I LIKE my fur messy, it lets everyone know I am a tough mean kitty.

Hi, I’m Big. My brother is Mr. Softie, a manipulative snob cat. He thinks I’m a push over for the humans, but what he doesn’t know is that I torture them with my breath. I like to sit on the back of the couch just behind the feeding slave’s head and breathe at her.

Another trick that has taken awhile to perfect: I like to pretend to be a fraidy cat. That way, she will sit still when I’m behind her so I don’t run away, but I really just want to breathe at her. Hahaha! What a stupid human.

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Meankitty's been online since 1999 or thereabouts. Srsly.

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