India is Rubbish at Football

Like me, you’ve probably noticed that the Republic of India is absolutely hopeless at football. They’ve never even qualified for the European Championship, let alone won it. Like me, you’ve probably also noticed that the Faroe Islands are pretty rubbish at football too. They may well have beautiful scenery, but they tend to lose a lot, and not just unlucky 1-0 away from home losses, or thrilling 6-5 goalfeasts. No, they often lose big-time, because they’re just a bunch of amateurs. To be fair to both teams, even if I was eligible to play for them, it’s highly unlikely that I’d ever be picked, because I am even worse at football than they are. But that’s somewhat beside the point.

Now – comparing the Faroe Islands to India is a little bit unfair, because, and I’m sure this is no big secret, the Faroe Islands are tiny and sparsely populated, whereas India is enormous and the 2nd most populous nation on earth. The Faroe Islands football team is officially ranked 10 places higher than India despite India having around twenty five thousand times more people living there. Not twenty five thousand people more, twenty five thousand times more. There is something clearly in the water of either the Faroe Islands, or India, or both (but in the latter case the thing in the Faroese water would be very different – and better – from the thing in the Indian water).

What about the rest of the football playing nations? What about the big guns, like Brazil? Are Brazil so great because they have so many people to choose from? Are Wales so crap because they don’t? I decided to normalise the FIFA rankings as they stood immediately post-2010 World Cup to see which countries were objectively better at football. And which countries were objectively worse. The list makes for interesting reading. Because while it’s obvious for all to see that India is indeed rubbish at football, there’s an argument to be made for the fact that the Faroe Islands is the best team in the world.

Country

FIFA rank

FIFA points

Population

FIFA points per 10k pop.

Population perFIFA point

1

Faroe Islands

125

196

48760

40.197

248.78

2

Liechtenstein

149

117

35904

32.587

306.87

3

Antigua and Barbuda

119

218

88000

24.773

403.67

4

Bermuda

134

160

65000

24.615

406.25

5

St. Kitts and Nevis

151

113

52000

21.731

460.18

6

Grenada

124

198

104000

19.038

525.25

7

Cook Islands

181

34

20000

17.000

588.24

8

Iceland

90

367

317900

11.545

866.21

9

Turks and Caicos Islands

184

32

33000

9.697

1031.25

10

St. Vincent and the Grenadines

163

91

109000

8.349

1197.8

11

Montenegro

64

500

624000

8.013

1248

12

British Virgin Islands

194

18

23000

7.826

1277.78

13

Cayman Islands

173

39

56000

6.964

1435.9

14

Cyprus

67

486

801851

6.061

1649.9

15

Barbados

135

155

256000

6.055

1651.61

16

Bahrain

69

475

791000

6.005

1665.26

17

Netherlands Antilles

154

103

198000

5.202

1922.33

18

New Caledonia

145

126

249000

5.060

1976.19

19

Dominica

183

33

67000

4.925

2030.3

20

Cape Verde

114

241

506000

4.763

2099.59

21

Gabon

42

700

1475000

4.746

2107.14

22

Vanuatu

153

108

240000

4.500

2222.22

23

Seychelles

178

37

84000

4.405

2270.27

24

Maldives

142

129

309000

4.175

2395.35

25

Slovenia

25

860

2060260

4.174

2395.65

26

Luxembourg

127

193

502207

3.843

2602.11

27

Northern Ireland

56

566

1788900

3.164

3160.6

28

Suriname

137

153

520000

2.942

3398.69

29

Latvia

46

652

2239800

2.911

3435.28

30

Tonga

186

28

104000

2.692

3714.29

31

Guyana

122

205

762000

2.690

3717.07

32

Uruguay

16

899

3361000

2.675

3738.6

33

Trinidad and Tobago

95

353

1339000

2.636

3793.2

34

FYR Macedonia

61

521

2048620

2.543

3932.09

35

Qatar

96

351

1409000

2.491

4014.25

36

Malta

157

100

416333

2.402

4163.33

37

Estonia

99

320

1340021

2.388

4187.57

38

Croatia

10

1041

4435056

2.347

4260.38

39

Samoa

177

38

179000

2.123

4710.53

40

Gambia

93

361

1705000

2.117

4722.99

41

Equatorial Guinea

141

142

676000

2.101

4760.56

42

Fiji

132

167

849000

1.967

5083.83

43

Lithuania

49

608

3329227

1.826

5475.7

44

Norway

22

882

4888800

1.804

5542.86

45

Bosnia and Herzegovina

51

604

3767000

1.603

6236.75

46

Republic of Ireland

41

709

4459300

1.590

6289.56

47

Costa Rica

40

710

4579000

1.551

6449.3

48

Jamaica

81

399

2719000

1.467

6814.54

49

Swaziland

131

171

1185000

1.443

6929.82

50

Slovakia

34

777

5424925

1.432

6981.89

51

Denmark

36

767

5540241

1.384

7223.26

52

Wales

77

415

2999300

1.384

7227.23

53

Scotland

43

699

5194000

1.346

7430.62

54

Panama

74

434

3322576

1.306

7655.71

55

Paraguay

31

820

6349000

1.292

7742.68

56

Oman

91

362

2845000

1.272

7859.12

57

Albania

79

406

3195000

1.271

7869.46

58

Botswana

116

236

1950000

1.210

8262.71

59

Portugal

3

1249

10636888

1.174

8516.32

60

Kuwait

97

350

2985000

1.173

8528.57

61

Namibia

111

251

2171000

1.156

8649.4

62

Solomon Islands

170

60

523000

1.147

8716.67

63

Israel

26

857

7588400

1.129

8854.61

64

Belize

179

36

322100

1.118

8947.22

65

Switzerland

24

866

7782900

1.113

8987.18

66

St. Lucia

191

19

172000

1.105

9052.63

67

Finland

52

584

5363000

1.089

9183.22

68

Tahiti

191

19

178133

1.067

9375.42

69

Moldova

89

378

3563800

1.061

9428.04

70

Aruba

198

11

107000

1.028

9727.27

71

Bahamas

181

34

342000

0.994

10058.82

72

Honduras

38

734

7466000

0.983

10171.66

73

Serbian

15

947

9850000

0.961

10401.27

74

Armenia

100

311

3238000

0.960

10411.58

75

Guam

195

17

178000

0.955

10470.59

76

Bulgaria

39

711

7576751

0.938

10656.47

77

New Zealand

78

410

4376100

0.937

10673.41

78

Greece

13

964

11306183

0.853

11728.41

79

Congo

103

308

3683000

0.836

11957.79

80

Sweden

37

761

9359742

0.813

12299.27

81

Czech Republic

33

793

10512397

0.754

13256.49

82

Netherlands

4

1231

16620225

0.741

13501.4

83

El Salvador

72

452

6163000

0.733

13634.96

84

United Arab Emirates

101

310

4599000

0.674

14835.48

85

Comoros

171

43

676000

0.636

15720.93

86

Togo

76

418

6619000

0.632

15834.93

87

Benin

60

531

8935000

0.594

16826.74

88

Austria

68

479

8372930

0.572

17480.02

89

Hungary

57

565

10013628

0.564

17723.24

90

Tunisia

55

574

10432500

0.550

18175.09

91

Brunei

189

21

388190

0.541

18485.24

92

Lesotho

152

109

2067000

0.527

18963.3

93

Chile

18

888

17093000

0.520

19248.87

94

Bolivia

65

499

9879000

0.505

19797.6

95

Belgium

59

541

10827519

0.500

20013.9

96

Georgia

120

217

4385400

0.495

20209.22

97

Ecuador

44

694

14203000

0.489

20465.42

98

Libya

102

309

6420000

0.481

20776.7

99

Jordan

104

300

6316000

0.475

21053.33

100

US Virgin Islands

199

5

110000

0.455

22000

101

Cameroon

19

887

19522000

0.454

22009.02

102

Belarus

82

397

9471900

0.419

23858.69

103

Côte d’Ivoire

27

856

21075000

0.406

24620.33

104

Romania

28

853

21466174

0.397

25165.5

105

Mali

54

575

14517176

0.396

25247.26

106

Australia

20

886

22400221

0.396

25282.42

107

Burkina Faso

48

611

15757000

0.388

25788.87

108

Singapore

127

193

4987600

0.387

25842.49

109

Guinea

87

381

10069000

0.378

26427.82

110

Haiti

91

362

10033000

0.361

27715.47

111

Zambia

71

456

12935000

0.353

28366.23

112

Senegal

75

422

12534000

0.337

29701.42

113

Ghana

32

800

23837000

0.336

29796.25

114

Spain

2

1565

46951532

0.333

30000.98

115

Liberia

150

114

3476608

0.328

30496.56

116

Sierra Leone

130

181

5696000

0.318

31469.61

117

Mauritius

172

40

1288000

0.311

32200

118

Turkmenistan

139

151

5110000

0.295

33841.06

119

Azerbaijan

109

259

8922300

0.290

34449.03

120

Rwanda

107

269

9998000

0.269

37167.29

121

Argentina

7

1076

40134425

0.268

37299.65

122

Djibouti

188

23

864000

0.266

37565.22

123

Macau

197

14

542200

0.258

38728.57

124

Malawi

86

382

15263000

0.250

39955.5

125

Mauritania

164

81

3291000

0.246

40629.63

126

Andorra

201

2

84082

0.238

42041

127

Algeria

30

821

34895000

0.235

42503.05

128

Lebanon

160

98

4224000

0.232

43102.04

129

Tajikistan

135

155

6952000

0.223

44851.61

130

Bhutan

196

15

697000

0.215

46466.67

131

Hong Kong

140

150

7026400

0.213

46842.67

132

Venezuela

49

608

28831000

0.211

47419.41

133

England

8

1068

51809700

0.206

48510.96

134

Zimbabwe

110

258

12523000

0.206

48538.76

135

Angola

88

379

18498000

0.205

48807.39

136

Eritrea

155

101

5073000

0.199

50227.72

137

Peru

53

578

29132013

0.198

50401.41

138

Italy

5

1184

60340328

0.196

50963.11

139

Saudi Arabia

66

498

25721000

0.194

51648.59

140

Puerto Rico

166

76

3982000

0.191

52394.74

141

Ukraine

23

875

45962900

0.190

52529.03

142

Mozambique

85

383

21350080

0.179

55744.33

143

Nicaragua

155

101

5743000

0.176

56861.39

144

Cuba

126

194

11204000

0.173

57752.58

145

Guatemala

114

241

14027000

0.172

58203.32

146

Colombia

35

776

45503000

0.171

58637.89

147

France

9

1044

65447374

0.160

62689.06

148

Syria

98

343

21906000

0.157

63865.89

149

Burundi

144

127

8303000

0.153

65377.95

150

Canada

63

516

34154000

0.151

66189.92

151

Poland

58

561

38167329

0.147

68034.45

152

Morocco

70

463

31849000

0.145

68788.34

153

Kyrgyzstan

168

74

5482000

0.135

74081.08

154

Uganda

73

440

32710000

0.135

74340.91

155

Germany

6

1082

81757600

0.132

75561.55

156

Iraq

80

405

30747000

0.132

75918.52

157

Mongolia

179

36

2762600

0.130

76738.89

158

Uzbekistan

94

354

27488000

0.129

77649.72

159

Korea Republic (S)

47

632

49773145

0.127

78754.98

160

Egypt

12

967

78645000

0.123

81328.85

161

Korea DPR (N)

105

285

24051706

0.118

84391.95

162

Guinea-Bissau

191

19

1611000

0.118

84789.47

163

Kazakhstan

129

183

15776492

0.116

86210.34

164

Turkey

29

830

72561312

0.114

87423.27

165

Chad

143

128

11274106

0.114

88078.95

166

Yemen

112

248

23580000

0.105

95080.65

167

Palestine

173

39

3935249

0.099

100903.82

168

Brazil

1

1611

193141000

0.083

119888.89

169

Mexico

17

895

107550697

0.083

120168.38

170

South Africa

83

392

49320500

0.079

125817.6

171

Russia

11

1015

141927297

0.072

139829.85

172

Iran

61

521

74196000

0.070

142410.75

173

Laos

173

39

6320000

0.062

162051.28

174

Madagascar

148

121

19625000

0.062

162190.08

175

Kenya

113

243

39802000

0.061

163794.24

176

Niger

162

92

15290000

0.060

166195.65

177

Tanzania

108

261

43739000

0.060

167582.38

178

Nigeria

21

883

154729000

0.057

175231.03

179

Sudan

118

219

39154490

0.056

178787.63

180

Japan

45

682

127360000

0.054

186744.87

181

Sri Lanka

159

99

20238000

0.049

204424.24

182

Malaysia

146

123

28306700

0.043

230135.77

183

Thailand

106

276

63525062

0.043

230163.27

184

Somalia

173

39

9133000

0.043

234179.49

185

Timor Este

200

4

1134000

0.035

283500

186

Nepal

161

96

29331000

0.033

305531.25

187

Congo DR

121

215

66020000

0.033

307069.77

188

Chinese Taipei

167

75

23131093

0.032

308414.57

189

USA

14

957

309605000

0.031

323516.2

190

Vietnam

117

231

85789573

0.027

371383.43

191

Dominican Republic

187

26

10090000

0.026

388076.92

192

Ethiopia

123

200

79221000

0.025

396105

193

Myanmar (Burma)

147

122

50020000

0.024

410000

194

Cambodia

185

30

14805000

0.020

493500

195

Afghanistan

189

21

28150000

0.007

1340476.19

196

Philippines

169

67

92226600

0.007

1376516.42

197

Indonesia

137

153

231369500

0.007

1512218.95

198

Bangladesh

157

100

162221000

0.006

1622210

199

Pakistan

165

78

169869000

0.005

2177807.69

200

China PR

84

387

1338330000

0.003

3458217.05

201

India

133

163

1182698000

0.001

7255815.95

202

Montserrat

202

0

5900

0.000

–

202

Anguilla

202

0

15000

0.000

–

202

San Marino

202

0

32386

0.000

–

202

American Samoa

202

0

67000

0.000

–

202

Central African Republic

202

0

4422000

0.000

–

202

Papua New Guinea

202

0

6732000

0.000

–

colour key:New rank is higher than official FIFA rank: a relatively better team than people realiseNew rank is lower than official FIFA rank: a relatively worse team than people realise

So – it only takes 248 Faroese men, women and children to rustle up a single FIFA point. In contrast, over in South America, with Brazil languishing down in 168th place the behind mighty Yemen, Chad and Palestine, that one FIFA point requires the combined efforts of nearly 120,000 Brazilians! Sounds like hard work. But the real losers here are undoubtedly the Papua New Guineans. Almost 7 million inhabitants, and they simply can’t be bothered to collect even that one point. How truly contemptible.