Today I registered for workshops at the Expressive Therapies Summit in November. I was accepted as a volunteer for 2 days and in return I receive 2 full days to attend for free.

So, I'll be taking workshops in

Mentoring Progress in Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy through Art. That's about using art therapy to see where one is in their traditional talk therapy.

The Recovery Model and Multidisciplinary Collaboration: A Case Study.This workshop is the examination of a man in his 60's who suffered considerably due to being abused as a child. It is a discussion of the concept of "It takes a village to raise a child" in the sense that to effectively help this man, many different collaborative disciplines and therapies needed.

As anyone here knows, when good things happen, the negative stuff puffs itself up real big. This time I'm OK. The stuff is there but I haven't gone into a tailspin. I think that's good.

Tomorrow (today, rather (Saturday) I start my 4 session, 7 hour per class, Rhythm and Role. I think there's going to be movement and music and embarrassing "public display." Oh, I hope not. I am pretty good with dance, but acting and music--oh no. In fact, I don't really like music. The coursework requires some classes in music and acting (role play) so.... Hey, I was deathly afraid to pick up a brush and do water colors two weeks ago, but did OK.

PS Went to my first Rhythm and Role: Unmasking the Essential Self. It was an intense 7 hours. It's 4 weeks of this but i figure I will do what work I can/ need to do and let the chips fall where they may. There are so many triggers and almost everything I feel requires suppressing. I have to take the class. Like I said, it's 4 weeks.

Well, the third week of R&R has passed and I cannot wait for the last week to be over. We have to do a performance piece based on masks we made which reflect our essential self. LIke I said, it cannot be over soon enough.

A lot has happened in the class. Last week I became the resident villain for confronting a fellow classmate. We have been encouraged to "share." What a fucking bunch of bullshit! Well, the teacher "suggested" I read some articles on non violent conflict resolution, because I seemed a little angry.

I am so fed up with the "helping" professions pushing that we express ourselves, that we learn to be in touch with and let out our feelings, especially anger. Then when we do, even in a small way, BAM! Anger management training, a.k.a. suppression, the very thing we have been encouraged to let go of. What a bunch of mutha-fuckin' hypocrites.

Would someone remind me why I decided to pursue this inane profession?

The more I think about the way the Rhythm and Roll class is wrapping up the more angry I become and the more I want it to be over. Fortunately I may have until December 1st to put together the final presentation AND to cool down. I think the cooling down is more important.

Here's what the professor wrote as the class assignment:

"Thinking of you and writing to clarify this task in your R&R journey. By now you are probably tuned in to the art of synchronicity - allowing the present moment to guide you to a deeper awareness of some hidden or lost aspect of yourself that is waiting to come into consciousness and bring more power and joy into your life. Synchronicity often comes through dream symbols, meeting new people, reading or hearing something that touches you deeply, making new connections from combining old things - aha! moments. Hopefully during the course of R&R you have been increasing your awareness of areas where you want to grow and expand and other areas where you are ready to let go of some old aspect of yourself that doesn't work anymore.

"You might want to sit quietly and meditate with your blank mask and allow a character/archetype or symbol to emerge from deep inside that will empower you in taking that next step - it could be a sage, a power animal, a hero or goddess figure, a medicine woman or ancestor - or whatever your imagination conjures up that has meaning for you. Decorate your mask to give life to this symbolic aspect of yourself.

"Next, plan a creative presentation that could involve drama, comedy, song, poetry and/or dance. You can do this alone or invite class members to assist you. The more attention you give to preparing this presentation, the more power it will have when you enact it. This will also ensure that its repercussions will continue to be meaningful and sustainable.

"Your final enactment will involve breathing life into this character/mask and letting it commit its first act of power in your life after the group ritual. You will be asked to share this enactment with the group who will "witness" this birthing process and celebrate your new becoming."

Truth be told I didn't have any real big aha! moments. Yes, I realized I did not like attention brought to myself. Yes, I became acutely aware of touch issues. Yes, I tried to sabotage my "voice" after telling C how I felt. All of this stuff. Old hat.

Being angry about the slap on the wrist -- that just pissed me off. The articles I am reading are akin to Pollyanna's "just be glad" approach to life. Ho-hum, and really?

I like my mask, but i have to translate it to come across as some great positive revelation when it is not. I painted it a metallic lavendar and glued some fake "jewels" on the face. Outlined the eyes in white and covered the sockets with an off white chiffon. The mouth area was molded around my goatee, so the opening is huge and gaping. I filled it with gray/purple chiffon tied in knots here and there. It is striking.

Here's the real expression. The face color and jewels the pleasant face I show the world. The eyes do not see clearly. The mouth is trying to speak, even scream but remains tongue-tied. The jewels are old wounds, healed as much as they can be. They are a part of me that is important. Their significance lies in the truth they hold about the nature of suffering. Sometimes it becomes the seed of change and a source of beauty.

For class the tongue tied explanation will have to go. Guess I'll make that a representation of greater expression. I'll use the wound analogy, but with a softer word. Hardships. Life's hardships. Shielded eyes? I don't know. Anyone have any ideas?

I took belly dance classes for 6 years. I figure, although I am very rusty, and a fat old fag to boot, I will do a short belly dance. Not that i want to. The music I chose has lots of drums. The teacher likes drumming. The dancing will be fast. I'll have to make it look joyful, not angry. THAT will take practice. Bottom line is i do not want to do the the presentation.

It's loaded with triggers. It's one thing to ask a bunch of out-of-high school teenagers to dig deep, but being in my 50's there's a lot to dig and the digging is deeper. And honestly, I think it is none of their business. I have to put on the fake face again, something I have been working so hard to acknowledge and work at changing. Damn! Well, I did it for over 50 years, I can muster up whatever I need to do it again for seven hours.

Hi Thebo, must say that your R&R class seems very inspiring for me When I've read assignment that your teacher wrote to all of you ("aha moments") and when I thought about your presentations it seems to me like you should try to think on it and just let it go while doing it. I'm not sure should you change anything, if you are feeling anger you should let that side of you out, please don't hold nothing This is great possibility, you don't need to do it for others (who likes attention?) but rather when you'll try your dance and music alone doing rehearsal why not to bring some anger out doing your belly dance and with great and powerful drums in background? Man you'll have some party there those will be "aha moments" Let all anger go out, please don't make it to look like something different. We as humans are terrible when talking and making everything to sounds "better", there is no need to do it again here,language is one already spoiled medium, music, dance is other. Trough music we are bringing some instinctive deep feelings to surface, and like in other art, people don't need explanation warped into some sweet words to see it and understand it, they need only intuition. So move on Thebo, move on trough dance, bring all feelings form inside out, let all shake around like it is earthquake, let us all hear your pain and anger, let us hear it even on other site of Globe !

just a suggestion - about the eyes - you could say something like - all of us see the world through out own unique filter - that has been created or at least tinted by our experiences.

about the mouth - sometimes our society or our own reactions to other pressures or authorities prevent us from expressing clearly and without censorship what we really want to express.

and your dance could express being constrained, too if that is what you are feeling. then no need to be totally wild, crazy and out there.

BTW - i haven't been able to get into my other email to see if you sent your art - sorry -

Lee

_________________________
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"

I completely destroyed what I had done to the mask. Left the color, but the embellishment will be much different -- something the teacher will respond well to. I forgot that the primary role of school and higher education is not for insight and learning. How silly and stupid of me.

You know what galls me? Here I am studying to help guys with their csa/asa struggles to recover and , in order to get a grade I have to revert to an emotional and psychological pattern that had become so emotionally damaging that it was dangerous. It is not ironic. It is pathetic and very sad.

To get through some of the class work, i will have to polish up the pretty face, the one I present to the world, the artificial one that hides all my true feelings. The worse part is that I will be consciously manufacturing "evidence" of feelings I don't have for the sake of consciously convincing others of what I have figured out they want to hear. What's the worst part of this is it makes my work in therapy all the more difficult. Additionally, it has hurt my relationship with my therapist. I didn't fully before and that road to trust is a slow, tenuous one. The developments in class have turned him into another in the army of the enemy. Because of what I need to do to make a grade, I trust my therapist less, sometimes not at all. Thanks, professor!

The worse part is that I will be consciously manufacturing "evidence" of feelings I don't have for the sake of consciously convincing others of what I have figured out they want to hear.

Thebo,

That is the survivor in you... doing whatever is neccesary to get through the situation. Thats not neccesarily a bad thing to do. Its your decision whether this is a situation in which to stand your ground or not. Use your judgement man, your in charge.

_________________________
I will remember youWill you remember me?Don't let your life pass you byWeep not for the memoriesSarah McLachlan

I can't stand my ground on this. The woman is a brilliant teacher, but she loves making people jump through hoops. I know this work I plan to go into requires a lot of self-examination while I travel the entire path; stuff will come up.

I feel so pressured from all sides to disclose. For me it is a big mistake to disclose. My T thinks it is dangerous that I don't reach out for more support (one-on-one in person.) Doesn't anyone understand how scary it is to reach out. I have lost friends when I reached out. I have no real friends anymore. When I've reached out to you guys, with all due respect, I am expected to disclose and tell my story.

I realized today that my dissociation is much worse than I thought. Truth is, I had convinced myself i do not have DID. Only PTSD on my plate, Mrs. Cafeteria Lady. Not. Depression. Suicidal thoughts, depression.

I'm losing my mind but at the same time I am very very sane.

I am fighting this tyooth and nail!!!!!!

DAMMIT!!DAMMITT!!DAMMIT!!

The stuff that comes up gets uglier and uglier.

Guys here now ignore me. If i get angry (and drunk) enough I will name names. It hurts that bad that i'd drag people down with me. But they have no right to reject me for what was done to me. Especially when i've come here, to them, for support.

I'm babbling.

Guys here have withdrawn their support because my progress hasn't been quick and expediant, because I don't call myself a survivor.

I am going to shut the fuck up.

What soothed you as a child? Mine was to play with my farm set. It had a beautiful tin barn with lots of animals. I liked the pig. Not the most attractive of the animals and dirty to boot, he reminded me of myself.

I am no more than a cumdump for a group of creatures that used me over and over.

I'm disconnecting so bad right now. I am really really sorry. I f any of you have religion, say a prayer for me.

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