You.

Think for a second about the symptoms of addiction: rationalization, self-destructiveness, lack of control, and self-loathing. They sound familiar for a reason. It’s called most people. In 12-Step programs they force addicts to submit to a higher power. It has nothing to do with the existence of God.

They ask you to acknowledge something bigger than yourself because it is a necessary weapon in the process of becoming someone different. How much better served would you be if you submitted to learning and reflection? If you stopped acting without asking “Why am I doing this? Does it serve a purpose?”

There is this great line in What Makes Sammy Run where Al realizes that the sudden, poetic vindication he’d hoped for was never going to come. The world wasn’t ever going to rise up and punish Sammy. The process was the punishment. His life was the disease. And my favorite part of the Meditations is where Marcus remembers that the best revenge is to “not be like that. ”

Most people suck. They are horrible. They are stupid and presumptuous – small-minded, opinionated and dishonest. And they’ve decided that keeping others at inaction is easier than acting yourself.

I have tried really hard my whole life to be different. I have all these little rules for myself that that’ll never get paid back for. I don’t recline my seat on airplanes. I switch lanes when people want to pass. I get so despondent and depressed and angry when I have to contribute to something I don’t believe in that people start to worry about my health.

It might be hokey or lame or out of place for me to say, but you can be different too. You don’t have to be the kid who’s email is so profoundly ridiculous that I forward it to all my friends and we laugh at what a colossal douche you are. No one has a gun to your head that says you have to walk around ignorant. Its not in your best interest to be selfish, shameless and awful. You don’t need to be like your parents – perhaps the most embarrassing and underachieving generation ever.

All I know is that I have seen exponential rewards from going my own way. I don’t mean school or Hollywood – I mean being in utter and complete control of the person I’d like to be. And understanding the process it takes to get there. That requires submission – not to the Trinity – but to the idea that kicking and clawing will get you nowhere.

The addictions I mentioned earlier will never leave you. You have to leave them.

Ryan Holiday is the bestselling author of Trust Me, I’m Lying, The Obstacle Is The Way, Ego Is The Enemy, and other books about marketing, culture, and the human condition. His work has been translated into thirty languages and has appeared everywhere from the Columbia Journalism Review to Fast Company. His company, Brass Check, has advised companies such as Google, TASER, and Complex, as well as Grammy Award winning musicians and some of the biggest authors in the world. He lives in Austin, Texas.

22 Comments

John Deere
April 17, 2008 at 12:48 pm

“Most people suck. They are horrible. They are stupid and presumptuous – small-minded, opinionated and dishonest. And they’ve decided that keeping others at inaction is easier than acting yourself.”

I haven’t read all of your posts but that’s definitely my favorite quote. Oftentimes I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of selfish idiots.

(I feel like I’m beginning to use the word ‘douchebag’ too much. Can you think of any other word that’s just as awesome and just as insulting?)

While I understand where you’re coming from in our harsh assessment of our parents, you’re being too hard on the Baby Boomers. Just like our grandparents overcame great adversity and struggle to pave the ideal life they desired for their children, the Baby Boomer generation had no adversity to overcome (we beat the War and the Great Depression) and had their careers set out for them on a silver lining. Complacency and/or conformity in childhood begets complacency and/or comformity in adulthood (i.e. hippies and yuppies). They teach us our path because they don’t know any other path. It’s cultivated ignorance.

We shouldn’t be embarrassed by our family. We see their faults and shortcomings, accept them, and learn from them.

“We shouldn’t be embarrassed by our family. We see their faults and shortcomings, accept them, and learn from them.”

I agree with that statement to an extent but feel the need to throw in my two cents because…well, I have an inability to keep my opinions to myself. Accepting “faulty behavior,” for lack of a better phrase, is a terrible idea.

How does that quote go…”the path to hell is paved with good intentions”? If you refuse to draw any lines with your family is acceptable and what’s not then either you have the patience of a saint or you have no balls (metaphorically speaking). Complacency and conformity are poor excuses for atrocious behavior.

Aaron
April 17, 2008 at 4:01 pm

Ever since I’ve started reading your blog, I’ve tried to follow that step of asking ‘what does this accomplish?’ Since reading Meditations (thanks to your constant references and recommendations), I’ve tried to assess myself and who I am in relation to my parents. I really believe I was growing to be them, and that scares me. Your description fits them, as well as their friends, very well. Not the selfish part particularly… that is on a case to case basis, but that they’re resistant to criticism. They don’t reflect on their actions or motivations; it’s all based on ‘I want I take’. This has led to a bored lethargy that led my father to taking zoloft, for a depression, that is, I believe, completely rooted in idle comfort.

To sum that… I (almost) completely with your above post (perhaps a little self-loathing can aid someone to better oneself though). And I have to thank you for introducing me to the idea of self-denial and reflection.

I’m just wondering by what criteria you judge the generation as awful and horrible. I’m not disagreeing with WHAT you’re saying, I’m just having trouble figuring out WHY you believe it.

Anon
April 17, 2008 at 4:33 pm

Good article in general but what’s with the knock on the boomer’s. I have a general knowledge of the time period but why do you have such complete disdain for them? They don’t seem exceptionally bad.

Rutherford
April 17, 2008 at 5:24 pm

Ry, why no seat reclining?

Blank
April 17, 2008 at 7:42 pm

I totally agree with you Ryan.

Have you ever seen some of the mugshots of these kids that run around, trying to act all hard and be in gangs? Seriously, it’s like you can see into the pathology of their minds just by looking at their eyes. They’re like non-people, trying to etch out something in life that’s completely fucked up and pointless.

Seriously, that kid looks like a freakin’ zombie. I’m not affiliated with h8torade in any way. I’m just illustrating my point.

habs
April 17, 2008 at 8:19 pm

I just started reading Theory of War and I caught an awesome similarity between this post and the novel. The part where you talk about how you shouldn’t do any action without thinking “What is the purpose of this” reminds me a lot of Jonathan Carrick and how when he was slave he disciplined his mind and body so that each movement served a purpose. In Carricks mind and body there were no wandering thoughts, no wandering body movements. Complete control over body and mind. Everything stripped down to what it truly was and if it served a purpose towards his goal it stayed if not it was thrown away.

Beautiful, although extreme.

Chris
April 17, 2008 at 9:55 pm

ryan,

we all have guns pointed at us.

NiteShok
April 18, 2008 at 12:21 am

Ryan, thanks for providing me with consistently brilliant articles to link to my less motivated friends. I hope you’re currently happy, and I look forward to your Open Q&A answers.

As a recovered alcoholic, I know what it’s like to decide you want a whole new life and a whole new set of principles by which to live it. It’s tough, and sometimes it’s lonely. Until you find all those freakin’ amazing people who are doing it too.

Alcohol, drugs, shopping, TV, comfort, complacency, status quo – whatever your addiction, the only way to overcome it is a psychic change. You have to come to believe in something other than what you’ve been believing in.

I’ll take this one- just because you can doesn’t mean you should. It’s invading another’s space for your own comfort.

Thanks for this post, Ryan. I try to be in control of every action and give thought to the “why” of it all.. but I sincerely thought I was alone in this.

Gris
April 18, 2008 at 11:57 am

“I have tried really hard my whole life to be different. I have all these little rules for myself that that’ll never get paid back for. I don’t recline my seat on airplanes. I switch lanes when people want to pass. I get so despondent and depressed and angry when I have to contribute to something I don’t believe in that people start to worry about my health.”

I was talking with a CEO about altruism on Friday. I was basically ranting about how it’s bullshit that I continue to spend so much time and effort being “nice” without any potential for pay back or reciprocation. He was adament that I should never change my attitude, but couldn’t really give me a reason. It’s not that I have given up hope, but I was explaining how it seems like the world is dead set against making me. I read your post yesterday which sparked this discussion I had, and I came to a pretty great realization last night.

I’ll often hear about people’s struggle to find their soul mate, or somebody to spend the rest of their lives with that will “complete them.” But, really, there already IS someone we have to spend the rest of our lives with no matter what the hell we try to do about it, and that person is ourselves.

I think a lot of people make the mistake of thinking that a partner will support them, make them a better person, fill in for their faults, etc. but, much like stuffing drugs down our throats, the answer to our problems is not finding crutches. Rather, it’s being totally comfortable in our own skin and minds – minds probably more important.

This brings me back to altruism. I also don’t put my seat back on a plane; I let people pass on the highway; I help out strangers whenever I can. On the surface, these things don’t seem logical (outside of the moral context) because they do not benefit me. Then I got to thinking: they benefit me in a very real way. I am very content in my skin. I really do like myself. I like what I do, who I am, all that stuff. Those people that jack their fucking seats back, fuck up traffic for anyone else, or just go around being selfish dickheads have to live with that. Not liking oneself has to be the shittiest existence possible, and in my opinion, many addictions are just people trying to separate themselves from themselves.

Milstrom
April 19, 2008 at 10:56 am

Reminds me of one of my favourite quotes from Meditations:

‘It’s silly to try to escape other people’s faults. They are inescapable. Just try to escape your own.’

Scootah
April 20, 2008 at 2:55 pm

In 12-Step programs they force addicts to submit to a higher power. It has nothing to do with the existence of God.

The AA program’s success rate is no better then monitored cold turkey. The god talk in the AA program is there because the people who wrote it are religious, and the most vastly dominant driving force behind all psuedo charitable programs like AA in America are religious groups. It has EVERYTHING to do with god and the fact that it may or may not provide a marginally beneficial framework to assist addicts is a side benefit as far as the people preaching that shit are concerned.

They ask you to acknowledge something bigger than yourself because it is a necessary weapon in the process of becoming someone different.

Avoiding further rants on the motivations of most people involved in the programs you’re talking about – necessary is a stretch. Common, and easily accessible would be far less arguable terms.

How much better served would you be if you submitted to learning and reflection? If you stopped acting without asking “Why am I doing this? Does it serve a purpose?”

How much better still would you be if you asserted your power to ask why am I doing this? Does this serve my purpose. Anton LaVey’s church of satan is full of a bunch of stupid crap, but it has one interesting idea, the concept of self deification. If we focused on ourselves, all the faith, and the sense of service and purpose that so many people devote to an unknowable creator, how much stronger would we be as a race? How much greater could mankind be if every single one of us recognised that there is no intrinsically greater entity in the universe then humanity, that we are all different but equal and that only our actions can define us, or our worth?

There is this greaThink for a second about the symptoms of addiction: rationalization, self-destructiveness, lack of control, and self-loathing. They sound familiar for a reason. It’s called most people. In 12-Step programs they force addicts to submit to a higher power. It has nothing to do with the existence of God.

They ask you to acknowledge something bigger than yourself because it is a necessary weapon in the process of becoming someone different. How much better served would you be if you submitted to learning and reflection? If you stopped acting without asking “Why am I doing this? Does it serve a purpose?”

the best revenge is to “not be like that. “

This is a great line, because it’s a refusal to acknowledge that there is a greater power. It’s a refusal to allow self definition to be derived from an external source. This is Aurellius saying that what he does, is vastly more important then what has been done by others.

Most people suck. They are horrible. They are stupid and presumptuous – small-minded, opinionated and dishonest. And they’ve decided that keeping others at inaction is easier than acting yourself.

Most people are afraid. Really everyone is afraid, but some people are so frightened that they’ve cowered into safe, comfortable stupidity. They cling to their presumptions and opinions, and lie to themselves to insulate themselves from the fear. They fear that the world will leave them behind if they don’t keep as much of the world at their level as they can.

I hate those people as well, but it would be better if we could pity them.

All I know is that I have seen exponential rewards from going my own way. I don’t mean school or Hollywood – I mean being in utter and complete control of the person I’d like to be. And understanding the process it takes to get there. That requires submission – not to the Trinity – but to the idea that kicking and clawing will get you nowhere.

At the risk of delving into Matrix-esque internet hippy crap, you’re proposing that accepting that there IS a spoon is the only way to proceed. I’d argue that the far better way is to recognize that sometimes you can’t get around the presence of the spoon. Knowing that there are rules to the life and the universe doesn’t require meek acceptance of those rules. It just means that there are obstacles in life and sometimes, you’ll need to adjust your actions to allow for those rules. There is always a cost/benefit analysis to life – and sometimes the benefit of changing lanes for a second, or not leaning back your seat on the plane is worth the cost. Sometimes it’s not.

Regardless of why the 2nd step asks you to accept a higher power, the reason that it works is because it takes you outside your own head and breaks your faulty decision making process.

My two cents. And for the record, I don’t believe in God – I just know that I shouldn’t always be trusted.

abby
April 21, 2008 at 10:59 am

On Gris’s comment: “I’ll often hear about people’s struggle to find their soul mate, or somebody to spend the rest of their lives with that will “complete them.” But, really, there already IS someone we have to spend the rest of our lives with no matter what the hell we try to do about it, and that person is ourselves.”

I had a professor in grad school who said something that I’ve always liked, “Its not who you marry, its who you are.”

Scootah
April 21, 2008 at 7:24 pm

drug addictions come from deep emotional issues.

There’s no such thing as one touch addiction in a recreational context. If you steer clear of meth, oxy and heroin – the negative repercussions to occasional, moderate use of most narcotics are so slim when compared to alcohol or cigarettes that they’re hardly worth mentioning. If you have a low volume of body fat, and indulge moderately in hallucinogens – you’ll barely even get a hangover, especially if you have some pot around to help you sleep the day after. Amphetamines will even help you lose a few pounds.

A little boredom, a little knowledge, a little arrogance, friends who are a bit further along the chemical adventure, someone you’d like to fuck who wants to get high with you first, voila – you’re on drugs.

Getting addicted is easy from there. Drugs are really fucking fun, once you’re connected they’re easy to get. There’s a long gentle curve before the nasty side effects and lots of crap on the internet, and urban legends that your friends are bound to know that will convince you that the big side effects won’t ever come.

6 months later, a year later, you realize you might have a problem and you take a month or two off drugs – it sucks, but you handle it. Then you miss your friends, or the music, or whatever lie you tell yourself and decide to go out again and not do drugs. That lasts a couple weeks at most – then you fall back into it.

I’ve seen hundreds of people go through this cycle.

Some people kick, some people shift the addiction to anti-anxiety tablets and sleeping pills, some people crash downhill. But the lead up to addiction is a smooth, easy path that doesn’t require any special gifts beyond a moment of poor judgment.

Drugs might cause a bunch of deep emotional issues. But despite what they tell you in school, the way they depict addiction on television isn’t indicative of all, or even a majority of narcotics addictions. You don’t need to be fucked up to get addicted – you just need to not think something through.

the reason that it works is because it takes you outside your own head and breaks your faulty decision making process.

check into the success rate of the 12 step program – That’s not a program that’s working. If child literacy programs, or even cancer surgery had the same success rate – there be lynch mobs in the streets. The difference is, when an addict fails out of the program, it’s the addicts fault, not the programs.

The success rate that the 12 step program does have is mostly attributable to shifting the addiction to nicotine. The vast majority of non smokers who go into the program come out with a pack a day habit, and smokers who go in almost always report that they’ve increased consumption. ‘Cure’ a habit with a 1/1000 death rate and some nasty side effects by taking up a habit with a 1/6 death rate and some moderate side effects. I guess it’s a positive step.

Drew
May 1, 2008 at 9:14 pm

“The success rate that the 12 step program does have is mostly attributable to shifting the addiction to nicotine. The vast majority of non smokers who go into the program come out with a pack a day habit, and smokers who go in almost always report that they’ve increased consumption.”

I’m no lover of 12-step programs, but that is hands down the most ridiculous thing about AA I’ve ever heard. I didn’t smoke before I got sober in AA, and I didn’t start while I was in AA. I also had a buddy who smoked for a decade quite cigarettes while he was in AA. He hasn’t smoked for three years. Almost all my old AA friends were, and still are, non-smokers.

I’m over six years sober and haven’t been to a meeting in a few years. I agree with Scootah that AA is quasi-religious, and I stopped going to meetings because I hated the fanaticism I saw there, which all too closely mimicked religious fervor.

The most valuable thing I learned in AA was not to trust my own thoughts. I had spiritual wonder before AA, and I have it now, I don’t need to ‘submit’ to anything to stay sober. But I do have to admit that some of the time, or most of the time, I’m in some form of denial or delusion. It seems like most people could benefit from that type of reflection.