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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

At our party Saturday night we received a heartfelt gift from a Moho friend: a glass angel and a framed letter/poem that brought me to tears. As I read it, nothing else in that moment mattered: not my temple recommend, my anguish over what to do about church attendance, my worries for my children and family, my morning sickness, truck to sell, bills to pay, house to clean or papers to grade. In that moment, I knew that I had been following the right path all along, that I didn't need to doubt it or be angry with others who don't understand it. I understand it and I know it is right and that is all that matters. The only people I need to be accountable to are my Heavenly Father and myself.

I hope this friend doesn't mind if I share it...

Scott and Sarah,

This letter and little glass angel is a reminder of what you mean to so many of us. So many of us look at you and see true angels. You have opened your home and your hearts to all of us. You let complete strangers in and love them like you have known them your whole life. I want to say I love you and I know that many other young men and women feel the same. Every time I walk into your home I feel the spirit of love, compassion and family. Thank you so much for being my friends.

When I have no one to turn to

And I am feeling kind of low,

When there is no one to talk to

And nowhere I want to go

I search deep within myself

It is the love inside my heart

That lets me know my Angels are there

Even though we are miles apart.

A smile then appears upon my face

And the sun begins to shine.

I hear a voice, so soft and sweet

Saying, 'Everything will be just fine'

It may seem that I am alone

But I am never by myself at all.

Whenever I need my Angels near

All I have to do is call.

An Angel's love is always true

On that you can depend.

They will always stand behind you

And will always be your friend.

Through darkest housr and brightest days

Our Angels see us through

They smile when we are happy,

And will cry when we are blue...

Thanks for being my Angel my friend

I will be there for you until the end.

Thank you, UTMOHO. You just don't know how much you and everyone else mean to us. I will always cherish this gift and your friendship.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

I blogged recently about wanting an answer for Christmas--an answer about what I should do regarding church, for me, for our children and for our whole family.

I spent some time really praying about it that day, and though I didn't get an answer, I did think through some possibilities, and felt peace that the answer would be coming...that I just needed to be patient.

Today came a new indication of changes and future answers. Next Sunday night there will be some ward boundary changes in our stake, and we will be getting a new Bishopric. (My daughter and I immediately looked at each other and tried not to smile TOO big when the announcement was made today.)

This also sheds some light on why it is taking so long for my Stake President to get back to me. Obviously he has been very busy.

******

Today the Relief Society and Priesthood met together for the "Teachings for our Time" lesson from the conference talks, specifically Elder Holland's incredible talk from last April about the Atonement and how Christ was totally and completely alone at times through His agony.

During the lesson, two things touched me. One was that even though Christ was part God and able to handle what He went through, He was also part mortal, with the fears and pains and anxiety that come with being so. It was a good reminder of what I already knew, but had somehow forgotten, that He truly does understand every pain and feeling that we go through in mortality.

The second thing that really stood out to me today is that Christ was so misjudged and betrayed, that those who yelled for Him to be crucified really did not understand (or did not try to understand) who He was or what was in His heart. Or maybe they were afraid of the influence He was having and the good He was doing. The whole thing was completely unfair, and yet it happened, and it had a purpose, and we are all blessed because of it.

I know my situation pales in comparison to that of our Savior, but I also feel that I am being misjudged for doing things that are good. I just have to have faith that it all has a purpose, and that no matter what pain I may be going through because of it, my Savior understands my pain; He already felt it FOR me, and He can take it away. I just have to let Him take it and let it go, and meanwhile just keep doing the best I can to do what is right for me and my family.

Friday, December 25, 2009

To wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas, I have been making note of carols that make use of one of my favorite words...

Have yourself a Merry Little ChristmasMake the Yuletide Gay...From now on our troubles will be miles away!

(Yes! The answer to my prayers, and yours as well, I hope! Bring on the Moho parties!)

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

There'll be gay happy meetings...

(When this was written, wouldn't that have been kind of redundant?)

Anyway, I look forward to "making the yuletide gay" and many "gay happy meetings" at our upcoming holiday Moho parties. We have already "Deck[ed] the halls" so don't forget to "don" your "gay apparel" and come looking your best! (Just kidding--there is no dress code, although clean and modest is always nice.)

Seriously, I wish you the happiest holiday ever, and hope that we can all take the time to remember and be grateful for our Savior, Jesus Christ. He understands and loves us all, no matter where we are in life. And that is a truly wonderful thing to know, especially when it feels like everything else is falling down around you. Remember there is always hope.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The bishop declared yesterday ward temple day, and that everyone should attend the temple with their families as a gift to the Savior this Christmas.

Wish I could.

So I sent my children instead. They went with two of their cousins, and the oldest one drove. They had 3 family names to do baptisms for, and my daughter decided to go along, hoping she could do some temple file names. It was my son's first time, and he was nervous. I longed to go with him.

But all went well without me. The Oquirrh Mountain Temple was busy, so they each did their one family name, and that was it (daughter was given a card from a different family that was there). Son enjoyed it and realized that I was right when I told him he didn't need to be nervous.

Now my brother and sister will do the rest of the work without me. My mom doesn't know who else to have help with the sealing. We talked about it a few weeks ago and stood and cried in her kitchen, holding each other. I cried as I told my parents that Scott no longer attends church with us. That he is no longer even trying to get his recommend.

I'm waiting to hear from the Stake President as he talks to active LDS (with recommends) who are also members of Affirmation (or rather, talks to their priesthood leaders, I guess).

I don't know what will happen. I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I only hope I can pick up the pieces again when it is all over. My desire to hang in there is wanning, and bitterness is starting to get the best of me. I pray often for my heart to be softened, that I can forgive my leaders. But it is so hard.

Two weeks ago the kids and I stayed home from church with Scott. I asked the kids the night before, "Do you want to go pass the Sacrament tomorrow?" "Do you want to go to Young Women's tomorrow?" "Do you want to go to Primary tomorrow?" Each of them told me "not really." So we slept in, we watched "Music and the Spoken Word" featuring Natalie Cole. Scott made breakfast for us. Sweedish pancakes! Yum! We listened to more uplifting music of Christmas and our Savior, and our home was filled with love and peace and the spirit. I did not get a substitute for Relief Society music for the first time ever. As expected, they survived without me.

It was so much easier than getting everyone up and fighting with them to get them ready, having our 4-year-old ask on the way to church, "Where is dad?", sitting through meetings fighting morning sickness and hoping I brought enough food with me, facing all the smiles and "how are you"'s of everyone in the ward, some of them obviously trying harder to reach out to me since I am there alone. Some of them asking where Scott is. And I tell them the truth, and I cry. I used to cry because he was not there with me. Now I cry because I am not home with him, and I feel like a ward project. And worst of all, facing the occaisional comments in lessons about how the world is spiraling downward, and we need to be careful not to be distracted by even one tiny thing that we don't agree with, that might eventually cause us to completely give up that which is most important to us.

What is more important? Going to church where I am in turmoil and conflict and cry all the time? Or staying home with my family, feeling the peace of the spirit and the love that we share. But of course staying home guarantees that I will not get my recommend back. Curses.

Please, dear God, help me figure out what to do. What is best for my children. What is best for Scott. What is best for the unity and peace of our family. What is best for ME.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

A few weeks ago I posted about the Messiah, and said I would add details later and I never did. So here it is, better late than never.

Selections from Handel's Messiah, performed by combined Midvale Stakes (25th year!)
Hillcrest High School Auditorium, 7350 South 900 East, Midvale
7:00 p.m. Sunday December 13th, 2009
The concert is free, but they do ask for a donation of food for the food bank.

Scott and I, and our 13 year-old daughter are singing in the choir, and I (eek!) have a solo.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

We live in an interesting world. If someone tells others that she is having a baby, that is perfectly acceptable, but if she tells others that she has a gay husband, she is sharing information that is too personal and therefore creates an awkward situation.

The interesting thing is that the first statement lets the person know immediately that the pregnant one has had sex, but the other statement just mentions a characteristic that really does not have much to do with sex and definitely does not guarantee the behavior.

It is subsequently very amusing when someone has been told the second item, and then is told the first item. One can watch the confusing thoughts going through the someone's head by the look on their face as they apparently put the two statements together and try to process them.

(Add a third detail that the gay husband had a vasectomy a year ago, and then either the woman's morality is questioned, or immediately God enters the picture, because it could not happen otherwise. In this case, it can only be a miracle, or as Scott prefers to think of it, extremely bad luck. :)

I told Scott he should explore this interesting topic further on his blog sometime...

P.S. Baby is due at the end of June. Only 31 more long and excruciating weeks to go. ugh.

About Sarah

I am a 42-year-old mother of 5 and a high school math teacher. The father of my children, my high school sweetheart, came to terms with being gay in the summer of 2008, just before Prop 8 in CA became really big news. This blog documents my journey with our relationship and family, and with my struggle as a member of the LDS church that chooses to support and rejoice in the loving relationships and marriages of my gay friends.

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"When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor."