Monday, June 30, 2008

I realy wish I was the type of person that was shy. I sometimes think at how much easier my life would be if I was one of those cute little women who waited to speak until spoken to. Who never offer thier opinion and keep largley to themselves unless drawn into the conversation.

Well, I'm not. I offer my opinion, make jokes, initiate conversation and generally like to be in the spot light. While I don't feel that I am overbearing or obnoxious (hmm...note to self: ask others about that) I do think that sometimes I say to much. As I get more mature, I see the merit in choosing my words and editing my responses - especially when emailing. That Send button can be killer.

I frequent an online community that recently hosted a question that made me want to pick up my computer and smash it on the ground. This question (posed by the creator of the site but not actually asked by her) can be viewed here.

Not only was I dissapointed and disgusted by the thought that some little size 0 with her first crack at motherhood, er someone woman, would be ignorant and prejudiced enought to pose the question; I have since been dissapointed at the lack of response by the community. I don't know if the question didn't run long enough to get any exposure, or if all the women on that site were just chicken.

Several years ago, I wore a size 20. I could no longer shop at most stores and had to go to a specialty shop for dress clothes and jeans that fit decently. I don't remember feeling discriminated against at the time, but after I was thinner it seemed like people were looking directly at me and talking to me again. Men were holding doors, cashiers were smiling, doctors listened to my illness and stopped blaming viruses on my obesity.

This article got me thinking about a lot of things. People that I love are obese. I know they are treated badly. It's acceptable to make fun of, ignore, or avoid people who are overweight and I think that's absolutely horrible. I was very dissapointed to see women on a supposed "professional Moms" sight entertaining such a shallow notion

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Why I bought white, I'll never know. Maybe cuz it goes with everything? Anyway, I bought a white t shirt on Sunday. Needed a replacement for the one I had on so I changed in the car. Much to the shock of my kids...we were far out in the parking lot and the van has tinted windows. What?

So I must've worn that shirt for all of 3 hours. I went to put it on the next day and didn't notice til I got to work that there was little orange spots on it in three places. Okay, okay, no problem.After work, I took the kids to Super Saver to get milk (I really need to look into buying a cow - 5 gallons per week? That's like 20 bucks in just MILK!) All hail the grocery store free cookie. Chocolate with chocolate chips this time. The two older kid finished thier cookies in the store, but the baby had half left so I just put her in the car seat with it. I knew it would be messy, but so what.

Took the recycling on the way home (remembered it because there was NO room for my groceries) By the time we got home Susan had smeared chocolated cookie all over her legs, washed her hands with it and moisturized her arms and face in cocoa.My white shirt took a hit. Not bad - I had wiped her up with an armload of baby wipes prior to getting her out of the car.

Later when I went to do laundry I thought I will pretreat this shirt while I'm at it...won't be new but might be wearable. When I started to look at it I saw that the blue popsicle I had eaten was spattered down the front. So orange "something", chocolate cookie, and blue popsicle. What am I? Five?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Well, things in my life are settling into a super busy crazy cycle. I have taken on a business that I'm working from home in addition to my full time job and life is good!

I started recycling our plastics, paper, and cans at home and at work. I have replaced as much as I can in our house with environmentally responsible and safer alternatives. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a new crusade.

I have started to learn about indoor air polution and the carcinogens that the major manufacturers of detergents put in thier products. It's really frightening to think about the cancer rate 100 years ago was 1/60 and now it's 1/3. What happened? Aren't we better educated now and have better technology?

Well, what happened is we got lazy. In our best efforts to make things "better" we got a lap full of "worse". We take a pill for every ailment and get side effects from it so that we need more pills. We sit on our butts for a living munching on cheeseburgers and fries and then take pills for being overweight which gives us side effects.

Most companies nowadays don't have a shred of integrity. If they can make thier dish washing detergent cheap enough then they can spend all thier money on TV and print ads to convince you that you need it. So they keep to the "allowable level" of toxic chemicals as mandated by the FDA, right?

That's right, they do. What happens when you have 5 products all with the allowable level? You get 5x's the safe amount. And that's not all - last year over 25,000 children were exposed to or poisoned by household chlorine bleach!

It's weird, but I have found that telling people about safer alternatives is like telling people about Christ. Both are entirely for thier benefit, but they are so used to lies that even the truth looks suspect.

It's hard to convince the unbeliever that God loves them so much that he sent His only son to die for them so that they can go to heaven to be with Him. I think more people believe that there are safer household and personal care items available at the same or less price that the things they're buying at WalMart.

It's okay. I'm in no way disuaded by unbelief. Just because you deny it, doesn't mean it isn't true!

Friday, June 20, 2008

For once, on a Friday, I don’t feel like I am going to die. I am very excited about going home tonight and having a nice night with my family without watching the clock wishing it were late enough for me to acceptably consider turning in.

I’ve tried to embrace new concepts lately. For once in my life I’m trying to listen to somebody else and figure that other people, while possibly of an inferior intellect (!) do know something.

So I decided that I don’t have to be the best at everything at every time. I have started to try to do one thing at a time and try to look at things on a smaller scale. Most of all, I have tried not to feel guilty when I can’t do it all. Last night I made two cakes (yes two, one for work and one for the hungry kids at home) and supper. I didn’t get much else done and when I went to bed there was crap all over the floor from Susan tearing the living room to shreds.

I’ve been trying to remind myself that a lot of other people have a period of inactivity in their days where they sit and watch TV or read or talk on the phone or surf the internet. I keep trying to pack all of my waking hours with missions that I never slow down until I go to bed and then I can’t sleep cuz I’m to wound up!

Well, anyhow. I feel pretty good today. I did start taking a vitamin and mineral supplement a couple of weeks ago – dunno if that has something to do with it. I tend to think that I have a pretty balanced diet and exercise regimen. But through some email accountability groups, I have learned that I “used to” but really don’t anymore. I’m still exercising and trying to eat right, but only hitting the mark about half the time. So I thought I’d try these vitamins – they have a money back guarantee so why not?

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Okay, I am super sick of all the weird dreams that I have all the time. I started drinking Valerian Root tea before bed to be better relaxed. While that is knocking me on my butt and I am truly fallin asleep faster - I still dream wild and wooley all night long.

Last night I was Bruce Willis. Not the old guy that they have now that looks his age but doesn't act it. I'm talking the Bruce Willis from Moonlighting. Remember that show? Well, I was more like the Bruce from Die Hard (the first one, not this Geriatric Die Harder crapolla).

Anyway, I was blowing stuff up, jumping form buildings, running from the cops, man I am TIRED this morning!! I went to bed around 10ish and got up at 6 - so that's a straight 8, right? Feels like I didn't even sleep. And my back is sore.

Oh, also, I think I'm tyring to off myself. I woke up with the sheet up over my head attempting to breathe it in twice last night. I removed it and went back to sleep but can't figure out why I would be sleeping like that. What?

Monday, June 16, 2008

I'm trying to be more manly today. I decided that there was much merit in the way my husbands mind works. He is able to do one thing (yes, that's right only one) at a time. He is much calmer than I am most of the time and seems to do what he does rather well and much more thoroughly than I do.

Example: Cleaning the kitchen - my husband does the dishes, dries them all and puts them away. He wipes off the counters, cleans the coffee pot and wipes down the stove, making sure to take off the little burner thingys and get under there. When he's done, it looks great!

Me - I fill the sink with water and put in all the dishes that will fit. While that's filling, I go grab a load of laundry. On the way back by, I turn off the sink and go put the laundry in. While I'm downstairs I notice that the trash needs to be dumped in the laundry room. I don't grab it becasue my hands are full of a basket that just came out of the drier. I bring that upstairs and the trash downstaris reminds me of the recycling that needs to be separated. I do the recycling and come back to the dishes.

I get a few of them washed and rinsed and relize that the pot of water I'm boiling for dinner is ready. Boil noodles, chop vegis, fry meat, come back to sink. Do another sinkful of dishes, remember trash downstairs. Go downstairs, realized laundry needs changing again. Start to fold clothes, but see stupid trash overflowing. Remember about pot boiling on the stove. Dash upstairs to finish dinner. Plate food, finish washing dishes, leave to air dry. Swipe counters real quick and put forth minimal effort with a broom before serving dinner.

Okay. So I did 12 things in the same amount of time, but did nothing very well OR all the way through. So it is my eadavor this week, to think more like my sweet husband and try to do one thing at a time.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I dreamed that I got picked up for shoplifting. I was standing out in front of Super Saver handing out free bags of noodles while holding Susan. I had told the kids that they could look at the video games nearby.

I handed out my last box of whole wheat spaghetti and decided to call it a day. Instead of walking clear back to the aisle with the pasta, I just put it in my bag. I knew it was wrong somehow, but I was SO tired.

This lady grabbed my arm and took me to the holding area. She told me that my children would have to be given over to state custody officials. I couldn't understand why they wouldn't call David to come and get the kids. I also wasn't surprised that I got in trouble for trying to get out the door with those noodles...

Friday, June 6, 2008

I’m not really very good at my job. I don’t like what I do, so that has a lot of do with my half-ass-ism. I don’t like crunching numbers, data entry, or filing. I’m not really a detail oriented person, so the fact that I am responsible for data entry of payroll and payables makes me snicker a bit. I guess my desire to avoid a butt chewing outstrips my distaste for all things number-y. Good thing!

Not that all that really matters. I mean, you have to have a job and it has to be for someone else, right. If you want any stability, retirement plan or health insurance you’re pretty much relegated to working for someone else who will take care of that for you while you punch the clock, do your time and go home to a house that is in chaos and a family you barely know because you spend more time awake with your boss.

So if I don’t like what I do, I could go back to school, right? I always wanted to be a grade school teacher and a few years ago I made it half way to my degree. Had to stop because I was at the point where I needed to Student Teach and do my classes during the day – when I have to work.

I could just quit my job and go find something else to do. I’m pretty good with my hands, and I’m not afraid to get dirty, so I could work in a factory – perhaps learn how to weld or assemble little leaf blower handles. I like working with people (mostly) so I could work retail, maybe at the mall…get a discount. Of course it would have to be one heck of a discount ‘cuz they don’t pay very well.

Or I could decide that I was going to be famous and go on one of those shows where you pour out your heart and they pick apart your performance and trash you in front of millions of people…. Um, scratch that last one.

I could walk dogs, be a street performer, acrobat (chubby acrobat) okay maybe just the tumbling part I roll pretty good, I could make food and sell it out of a converted Winnebago, I could hang out in the drive thru of D’Leons and ask for change. I could be a painter, a lawn mower, a babysitter, a butcher, a baker, or even…crazy, I know, a candlestick maker!

Ahhh…I needed that! Somehow just the assertion that I could be something other than a data entry clerk makes it a reality. I have started a business that I really believe in…but it’s going to take some time. Lord knows, I wish I could just dump my day job and dive in, but I can’t.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

It's late. I really should be in bed. I was on a training call and boy oh boy can us marketing people party down...

Anyway, I wanted to post this to share what happened to me today. Chain reaction of good stuff. Somebody I know expressed a need today. While I wasn't able to help personally, I was able to point this person in the right direction and this need was met beyond both of our expectations.

I felt like a messenger. I truly felt like a messenger of God's love. The situation was grave, the person had exhausted resources, the answer was right there, I only channeled information, but wow. What a great feeling of peace!

And - with that great feeling of peace, I refrained from giving the finger to a person who was driving most inconsiderately in the parking lot at Target. I had to sit on my hand and swallow my teeth but the words and the gesture stayed inside...where it belongs.

Besides, my 6 year old knows enough language. We are learning that some "naughty" words have a dual meaning. Ass is the current ha-ha around the house.

Feeling pretty good. Got out of my head for once and it sure is bright out here.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Life should be color coded. Wouldn’t it be great if all the bad stuff was bright red, safety orange or caution yellow and all the good stuff was a nice go-go green or cool blue.

Like cheeseburgers and chocolate bars would be red, ice cream would be too. That guy that you wanted to date when you were 18 who had the tattoos and the motorcycle because he was “so cool” would have been safety orange with bright red hair.

Hmmm, come to think of it, most vegi’s are green or have green on them…but so is pot. So I guess plants are a go – but not if you light them afire – then fire is red or orange, hence it is a no.

Now if you water something it turns green so water = good. But if you give a plant to much water it will turn yellow…so there you go, moderation in all things.

If you scratch an itch your skin will turn red – that is bad, take it from me, I have some really disgusting pics of the place on my foot that I scratched out of control. So scratching, poking, slicing skin= bad.

Blood is red and while it is a good thing to have, having blood anywhere outside it’s natural habitat is bad.

The sky is blue giving us the impression that air = good. But so is water and taking in one in place of the other = bad.

But apples are red and mold is green. So I’m confused there. I will most definitely refrain from the mold – even with it’s lovely blue spots. And I do eat an apple most every day, throwing caution to the wind in light of its stop sign red coloration.

Work should be red…home should be green…the mall, red…church, green…TV, red…books, green. See what I mean? Then I could just act and react and not deal with this pesky thinking ALL THE TIME.

Oh, well. Even then I would still be in trouble…my favorite color is red.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Pretty good day today. Had a nice time at church this moring, grilled some brats for lunch, took the kids to the Y for a swim, picked up a nice rotisserie chicken for dinner and now I'm here typing away on my fa-fa-favorite peice of technology, ahhh...the laptop.

Our sermon this morning was on Love. It seems that there are several different kinds of love - Pastor listed them but I can't remember all four. They range from the way you love your kids to the way you love your spouse. You love your friends, you love your nieghbor - and God loves you.

And that's what I got out of it. God loves YOU. I guess I know in my head that he loves me to, but I don't really feel it, you know? I'm so hard on myself I guess I really don't think that even God loves me. And that's bad. You know that old saying that you can't love anyone until you love yourself...well really it's missing a step - you can't love yourself until you accept that God loves you.

Pastor talked about loving people no matter where they were, even if they were sort of like lemons - you know mechanical devices that break down at every turn. That never seem to be fully fixed and cause stress and irritation ad nausea. Today I sat there and thougth - that's me. I feel like a lemon. Then I looked around at my beautiful family, my good health and my freedom and started to feel so guilty and selfish, so I felt worse!

So I'm working on it. I don't really know where to start. Self-loathing is something that happens over a lifetime and you don't just wake up one day and say "Gee, I'm pretty neat - guess I've been wrong all this time". I think I actually got a good start about 5 years ago when I finally walked through Christopher Orr's door and chatted with him once a week for nearly 2 years. On that day I couldn't even lift my head to look him in the eye while we talked. I had on my "good shirt", no makeup and I was so afraid of people that I couldn't even make a phone call to ask the gas company not to shut me off.

So I'll go from here. And for everyone reading this that loves me and wants to shower me with well wishes, scoffs about how I couldn't possibly feel that bad, and a few well placed pats on the back hoping to make me feel better.

Please Don't.

If I really factored in how you feel about me then this wouldn't be the problem, now would it? Don't worry - I'm tough. I gotta stop telling God how big this storm is inside me and start telling that storm how big my God is.Amen