World Aghast at Routine Drunkeness of Canada's Olympic Heroines

Canada's women's hockey team took the Olympic Gold yesterday, at which point its members commenced the traditional Canadian victory ritual of getting shit-drunk on a massive slab of ice while wearing jerseys. For some reason, people got upset.

After their 2-0 win over the U.S., the Canadian women's team lingered on the ice with their gold medals around their necks, taking slugs of champagne from the bottle and passing around cigars. The spectacle shocked some observers unfamiliar with Canada. Now the International Olympic Committee is demanding details, and the young ladies have apologized. For the crime of being Canadian.