SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 18, 2018 Edition

Dems in Georgia Weigh Election "Do Over"

After all the post-election massaging of ballots failed to produce a victory for Democratic gubernatorial candidate Stacy Abrams, the Party was considering demanding that the courts order a "do over." The latest recount shows the GOP candidate Brian Kemp with 50.2% of the votes. Since this is a majority of the votes counted it is enough to win the office outright without the runoff that would have been required had he failed to get 50% +1 vote.

The Abrams' campaign theorized that there are more than enough potential votes that could have been cast if more voters would have gone to the polls or submitted absentee ballots to have pushed Kemp below a majority if these potential votes would have gone for Abrams.

Allegra Lawrence-Hardy, Abrams' campaign chairwoman, lamented that "unlike in Florida, the Georgia Democratic Party was not given sufficient time to locate misplaced boxes of ballots or to correct erroneously marked ballots. Then in Fulton County over 5,000 duplicate ballots were simply discarded. Inasmuch as these traditional tools were not available to us, we contend that this constitutes the type of significant 'irregularity' that justifies starting over from scratch. However, since state law doesn't support our concept of potential votes we have no choice but to concede defeat at this time."

Dem Antics in Florida Defy Logic

The Florida Democratic Party made a post-election bid to "cure" defective ballots in the hope that a court would order these ballots to be counted in contradiction to state law. Chair of the Party, Terrie Rizzo explained that "it's only after all the legally compliant votes have been counted that we know how close the election was and whether it's worth the effort to try to get non-compliant ballots counted. With Republicans holding slim leads it was our assessment that bending the rules in the hope that a friendly judge would reward our effort seemed warranted."

Meanwhile, defeated Sen. Bill Nelson (D-Fla) is now urging the courts "to reopen the voting. Seeing how close the outcome was it goes without saying that there are now a lot of voters who wish they had taken the time to cast a ballot for me. Since the term of office of a US Senator is 6 years, surely the courts could allow another six weeks for these voters to come forward and cast the ballots they should have cast by Nov 6."

Not to be left out, defeated Democratic gubernatorial candidate Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum, fresh off his demand that every vote be counted, objected to including 150 votes from citizens in hurricane devastated northwest Florida because Bay County Elections Supervisor Mark Andersen allowed these voters to vote via email or fax. Andersen called it "an equity issue. Since I was able to match the signatures with the ones on file I deemed it reasonable to include these votes." Gillum contrasted this "playing favorites" with "the routine rejection of votes cast by non-citizens who cast their ballots at the polls on election day," which he characterized as "racism, pure and simple."

"Gov Bryant's concern is disgusting and vile," Roberts asserted. "It's racist to single out the black mothers who choose to abort their babies."

ThinkProgress, a left-wing pro-abortion news site, slammed Bryant as a "misogynoir. His notion that abortion poses a distinct threat against black lives is a myth."

Claiming something is a myth when the weight of evidence would appear to support Gov Bryant's concerns says more about the fanaticism of the abortion death cult than it does about those who are combating it. Though black women represent only 13% of women in the United States, Planned Parenthood, the largest abortion provider in America, has placed 79% of its abortion facilities within walking distance of minority neighborhoods. Black women also have about 30% of the abortions performed in this country. It seems more plausible that Planned Parenthood and the abortion industry have targeted blacks as "likely customers" for their lethal services and are prepared to vilify anyone who might be perceived as a threat to their exploitation of these customers.

Meanwhile, the evil abortion giant has gotten even more brazen in its advocacy for murdering unborn children. In a new ad created by the Agenda Project, a pro-abortion advocacy group, a smiling baby is shown along with the message "beautiful as she may be, it is your right to abort her if you aren't ready to be a parent."

Dem Demands 100% Renewable Energy by 2030

Impatient to make her mark on US policy, newly elected Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) is demanding a Party commitment to 100% renewable energy by 2030 as the "price" for her support of Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) as House Speaker.

Apprised that 100% renewable energy would likely price most consumers out of the market, Ocasio-Cortez trotted out her personal catchphrase of "just pay for it" in response. "The government can print as much money as is needed. There's no reason why cost should any longer be a barrier to the implementation of the policies and programs required to create the workers' paradise promised by Karl Marx."

Ocasio-Cortez hastened to reassure her followers that "my pledge to vote for Pelosi as Speaker is just a temporary expedient. Like all members of the patrician class she will be liquidated when the time is right. Why mot let her enjoy a 'last hurrah' before we put her head in the noose?"

New Kansas Gov Ready to Abuse Authority

Under the mistaken notion that she has been elected dictator, Gov-Elect Laura Kelly (D) has announced her intention to "stick it to the social conservatives who opposed my election." Items high on her agenda for her first days as Governor include ignoring a newly passed state law that bans state officials from harassing faith-based adoption agencies. Under the law these private organizations would be permitted to pursue placing orphans with married opposite sex parents.

"In my view, orphans ought to be placed in a non-discriminatory fashion," Kelly maintained. "No private adoption agency has a right to deviate from a random pattern of placement. We will audit all of them and if we detect a non-random pattern we will close them down." The fact that this would be in exact opposition to state law didn't faze the new Gov, who proclaimed that "the law is what I say it is. Anyone who doesn't like it can sue me."

A second priority will be to undo the privacy protections implemented by former Gov Sam Brownback. Under Brownback's executive order, private organizations were permitted to establish their own rules regarding which sex was allowed to use which bathroom. "There is no right to privacy against government policy," Kelly declared. "If I say that all bathrooms must be accessible to all persons based on their self-identified gender, no individual or organization will be permitted to deviate from the rules I lay down. Protecting the rights of our LGBTQ community takes precedence over the idiosyncratic prejudices, religious delusions, or personal squeamishness of those who oppose this essential civil right."

Meanwhile in Kansas City, the health Department destroyed food that was going to be distributed to the homeless by a group called Free Hot Soup KC. The food, which included home-cooked chili, foil wrapped sandwiches and vats of soup was deemed "too risky" by department director Rex Archer who contended that "people could've gotten sick. So we did the only thing we could and poured bleach onto all of it to prevent that from happening." Archer was a bit blasé about the prospect that the alternative for many of the homeless was dumpster diving, where the risk of food poisoning would seem to be considerably higher, saying "where they get their food when we're not watching is not our concern. Our job is to defend area restaurants from the unfair competition posed by do-gooders like Free Hot Soup KC."

CNN Sues to Reinstate Acosta Press Pass

After the Trump Administration canceled the press pass of CNN's Jim Acosta for his boorish behavior, his network has filed suit demanding his reinstatement, calling an issue of freedom of speech. A court has ordered that Acosta's pass be temporarily returned until the issue is adjudicated.

The gist of CNN's case is that their reporter has a supreme right to hog the microphone "for as long as he needs to in order to make his point that President Trump is an unlawful usurper. It is the obligation of all other media present to yield their opportunity to ask questions until after our representative is satisfied."

CNN belittled concerns that Acosta's abuse of his peers could constitute an unfair practice, saying that "only a tiny minority of those representing other members of the media have the stature and gravitas that we bring to the table. Even though our viewer share is easily surpassed by several other news networks, we are appealing to the best and brightest of minds across the world. Those that have chosen the low road of appealing to the masses of ignorant Americans have no reasonable grounds for compliant."