Discover what happens after the break-up

The line between loss of power and grief

In recent weeks as I have experienced the after effects of my separation/break-up, or whatever Tina is calling it, I have gotten a lot of feedback. One thing that comes up again and again, and was mentioned in a comment on this blog is the notion that I have given up my power to Tina. She has become the center of my world, and now I don’t really know what to do without her. I cannot doubt this assertion, as the truth of it is self evident. It did get me to thinking, however, on just where is that line? When does the natural occurrence of pain, anguish, and missing something that has been there for a long time turn into a complete and utter relinquishing of your personal power and self esteem? I don’t know the answer to that question. I believe there can be no way anyone can take the lost of a loved one without emotional pain. Certainly, every book, or article I’ve found on the web insists that you must work through the grief. Ok, so there will be grief, when does it turn into unhealthy grief? I’ve had Tina in my life for 7 years. I was ready to spend my life with her. A man does not lose a relationship like that and just move on as if its no big deal. And yet, I have no doubt that the advice of others that I have given power over to her, because I want my relationship and the life I wanted and dreamed about with her, back is very true. So when did I cross that line? Or maybe a line does not exist. Could it be that as soon as a break-up like this happens you’re just dropped directly into the “no power” zone, and remain there until you begin to heal, accept, and move on? What happens to those exceptions that end up getting back together. What did the dumpee do in those situations, or are they just the blessed ones? Lucky for me, I don’t think my life is over. I’m not gonna go stalk her, or hurt myself in any way. Yet, I do feel a profound lost in my life. How does one not show a loss of power when you are so used to that person being there? The funeral of my uncle was worse for me than the passing of my mother. Why? Because it was the first time Tina was not there by my side. I had no one for support. Of course with good people that is never really the truth. I had family, and I had friends calling to check on me. I am lucky that I have a number of good friends that know I’m hurting, and have been there to help me. It has been a tremendous help. But friends can only do so much. It’s Tina that was holding me, and telling me she’d always be there for me when my mother died. It’s Tina that I shared my inner most thoughts regarding the death of my father early in my life, and how I don’t even remember the day of his funeral or when my mom told me he had died. My uncle was in the military, as was my father, and so when I felt the emotions of what my own father’s funeral may have looked like, only she would have understood those feelings, but I could not call her and share that moment or its meaning. That intimacy is gone. And that is what I believe is toughest, and most profound. I can find people to date. I can discover new and fun things to do. I can do these things, must do these things. But that level of intimacy does not come easy or quickly. And the desire for it. The desire to connect with someone on that type of level is intense, but cannot be forced with anyone new. And so, you miss the one who has left all the more. I have no doubt that I must reclaim my personal power, and relinquish the hold the pain has on me. I know I must try and live each day as if the past is the past, and cannot be my future, and be fine with that. I know this, but it is hard, and I think it will take a while to do.

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2 Responses

Could it be that as soon as a break-up like this happens you’re just dropped directly into the “no power” zone, and remain there until you begin to heal, accept, and move on?

Great question! I believe the answer is “yes” although the feeling of powerlessness can last from 20 minutes to 20 years.

Critical factors include the length of the relationship, the depth of the relationship, accumulated assets (especially in divorce), children, and lets face it, the emotional health of the dumpee.

I had to pull myself together quickly because my husband came at me with an expensive lawyer which I couldn’t afford. I had to represent myself, so I had a lot of work to do. Folks told me later they had no idea I went through a divorce because my demeanor didnt’ change a bit.

Of course, they missed a lot of the tears I had to cry alone. But with court stuff and children to raise, I was quick to snatch back my power while the cracks and crevices of my emotions healed.

I remember spending two or three months hoping he’d come back. Let’s just say that healing accelerated when I quit that nonsense. LOL

I’m pretty sure it’s not going to be easy or quick to take back your power. But I’m glad you can acknowledge the fact that she does have it. Especially since you’re shared so much together. That’s the whole point of being in a relationship I think. That you trust the other person with your most inner thoughts, dreams, goals, and desires. And the scariest part is trusting that they won’t take that info and hurt you with it. As always good luck. And if you haven’t already I think you should pray on it if you are a spiritual person 🙂 I’ve found prayer works.