A bond of never-ending pain

Families of those affected by violence say they live forever with incalculable losses

Bryan Fitzgeral, Times Union

By Bryan Fitzgerald

Updated 7:46 am, Monday, September 23, 2013

Family and friends of murder victims hold hands during an event for National Day of Remembrance for Victims of Homicide, put on by the Albany Chapter of Parents of Murdered Children, on Sunday, Sept. 22, 2013 in Central Park in Schenectady, NY. (Paul Buckowski / Times Union)

Family and friends of murder victims hold hands during an event for...

Loriann Smith of East Greenbush addresses those gathered for an event for National Day of Remembrance for Victims of Homicide, put on by the Albany Chapter of Parents of Murdered Children, on Sunday, Sept. 22, 2013 in Central Park in Schenectady, NY. Smith spoke about how she and her husband and daughter live with lasting physical effects of a crash they narrowly survived in which their car was hit head on by a drunk driver. (Paul Buckowski / Times Union)

Loriann Smith of East Greenbush addresses those gathered for an...

Photographs of murder victims are seen on a board during an event for National Day of Remembrance for Victims of Homicide, put on by the Albany Chapter of Parents of Murdered Children, on Sunday, Sept. 22, 2013 in Central Park in Schenectady, NY. (Paul Buckowski / Times Union)

Photographs of murder victims are seen on a board during an event...

Deb Drennon from Clermont, NY, holds a candle to remember her grandson, Christopher Drennon who was killed in 2007, during an event for National Day of Remembrance for Victims of Homicide, put on by the Albany Chapter of Parents of Murdered Children, on Sunday, Sept. 22, 2013 in Central Park in Schenectady, NY. (Paul Buckowski / Times Union)

Deb Drennon from Clermont, NY, holds a candle to remember her...

Family and friends of murder victims hold candles to remember those killed during an event for National Day of Remembrance for Victims of Homicide, put on by the Albany Chapter of Parents of Murdered Children, on Sunday, Sept. 22, 2013 in Central Park in Schenectady, NY. (Paul Buckowski / Times Union)

Family and friends of murder victims hold candles to remember those...

Marguerite Marsh from Schenectady talks about her daughter, Catherine Marsh, during an event for National Day of Remembrance for Victims of Homicide, put on by the Albany Chapter of Parents of Murdered Children, on Sunday, Sept. 22, 2013 in Central Park in Schenectady, NY. Catherine Marsh went missing in 1996 and her body was found in 1998. (Paul Buckowski / Times Union)

Loriann Smith was one of the only people at Sunday's Parents of Murdered Children gathering who never buried a loved one killed by violence.

Smith suffered a different kind of loss. In 2009, a drunken driver crossed into the oncoming lane and barreled into the car carrying her husband, Stephen, and the couple's daughter, Hannah.

Stephen Smith suffered compound fractures from his shoulders from his toes. Hannah Smith, then 14, suffered broken bones, bruises and a hemorrhage on the front right lobe of her brain.

"Traumatic brain injury is a kind of death," Loriann Smith told the group at Central Park. "The daughter I once knew never came back after that car careened into her beautiful head."

Though an unusual guest speaker for the Parents of Murdered Children's Day of Remembrance, Smith has clearly have worked through much of the same pain as her audience.

"You have all experienced profound and permanent loss. .... I tread very respectfully here," Smith said. "My child was taken from me almost four years ago, and I am learning slowly and painfully how to navigate this uncharted territory. And that's what it really comes down to, isn't it, for all of us? We must find our way to life again."

After listening to Smith and giving her a thunderous ovation, the people in the park's Casino all lit candles for lost loved ones, said their names aloud and talked about their lives at the annual commemoration that dates to 2000.

Martha Lasher-Warner's daughter, Liza Warner, was killed by her husband in 2004. Lasher-Warner and Smith have been friends for years. The two women connected after the DWI crash that has left Smiths reeling. Lasher-Warner said she gave Smith much of the same advice she has share with the relatives of homicide victims.

"There was a lot of crossover," Lasher-Warner said. "I felt for her. She has suffered in a different way. She's suffering and ongoing loss."

"You don't compare grief," Smith said. "You just show compassion."

Stephen Smith is in pain every day, his wife said. Titanium plates help hold his body together.

Hannah Smith left for college last month. She doesn't suffer from any intellectual loss, her mother said, but the crash stole the young woman's ability to do some everyday tasks and propelled waves of depression and anxiety.

"My grief, though different than yours, goes on," Loriann Smith told the crowd. "But I am your sister in suffering. And your friend in relentless hope."