Letters I'll Never Send

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It was the first day of summer school. I was about to start high school that year. I was 14 years old and I was making my way through the halls. There you were standing there talking to your friends. It was love at first sight. Well it was love for me. I had no idea who you were and wondered if I would see you again.

I didn’t see you that time in summer school again. But then school started. I saw you again. You had the most beautiful green eyes that I had ever seen. Your smile was just perfect. You were on the football team, haha. It sounds so lame when I tell it now. You were a junior and I was a freshman. You had the most beautiful body, and I would check out your butt when you would walk.

Do you know how shocked I was when I found out you were my friend’s older brother? Haha. Who would have known that 7 years later she would be my best friend. Sophomore year I got my cell phone. Finally. I got a hold of your number and like a young kid I would call you and hang up. I still remember the song that would play as it rang. I didn’t have the courage to even let it ring enough to hear your voice. I only let you answer once. And oh my god it was the best feeling. You were talking to me? You didn’t know it. But it happened. Haha.

I had a crush on you those 2 years that we went to school together. I was bummed when you were dating Veronica. She was beautiful, and my age. I was happy for you, I really was. You were so in love, you would take her flowers and gifts to her games. You graduated and I entered my junior year.

Time passed and I didn’t think of you for a while. Then I started college. Your sister and I were best friends and we would hang out often. But you were off in school so I would catch a glimpse of you every so often. Never expecting what would soon come.

You and your sister ended up at the same college. It was so random how things happened. I would go visit your sister and see you. We became friends. Who would have ever thought? You would come over to my school and you would hang out. We became great friends. You were still a boy, you still are. I matured pretty fast, but those feelings came rushing back. I fell in love with the beautiful you.

We would text every single day at just about every moment. You shared things with me that I know you have never told anyone else. I was so happy, but you didn’t know what I felt for you. You were still a boy. You met my friends and I met yours. One day we were drinking at your place and one of my girl friends threw herself at you. Oh you have no idea how bad that felt. I was in the room when she was on you, you pushed her away. But oh it hurt so bad.

You later confessed to me you liked her. It didn’t work out, you were too amazing for her.

Our fiendship continued. But I knew you would never fall for me as I did for you. That summer after freshman year I cut off contact from you. It took me all summer to get over you. It worked.

Sophomore year in college we would see each other here and there. Through friends I heard you had a girl.

When we were close friends you confessed to me that you were a virgin. I was shocked. So many beautiful girls were after you, yet you wanted to wait. I would picture giving my virginity to you. Funny right? But then you met her. She took your virginity and I was heartbroken. I had no reason to be, you never misled me.

Junior year in college. We started hanging out once in a while. I was over you. Completely. You were still a boy. You are two years older than me but think so different than me.

That night at our friends party we both got super drunk. You spent the night in my place. You had done so many times before. But that night I tasted your lips and got to feel your smooth skin. My body was against yours and I remembered that day when I first saw you. Who would have thought I would be there one day. I was stroking your hair and holding you.

The next day we woke up, I don’t think you remembered what happened. It was then I realized I was over you. I still care for you, but in a different way than years before. I don’t think you’re looking for a relationship with me, I don’t know if you have feelings for me because I am a guy. But I want to thank you for letting me be beside you all these years as a friend even though you knew I was gay.

Now I’m in a different country. When I go back to California I will see you again. Someday you will have beautiful children with your wife. For now I am here in Europe and I write this letter to you. A letter I will never send.