Anyway, don't pay any attention to whoever is claiming to be the Galactic Overlord. I created that position hoping that someone or something could take some of the responsibility for this galaxy off of My shoulders. Didn't happen, so I abolished the position and laid off the incumbent.

Good Me, some of those I allowed to be GOs became power hungry! The one I just laid off (and there won't be another) was, well, here's a picture. And here's another , you can see the resemblence to another, earlier GO developing.

HEY! EARTHPEOPLE! WAKE UP! THE MARTIANS ARE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR! THEY'RE GOING TO BE THERE ON AUGUST, 27! THAT'S ONLY THREE DAYS FROM NOW! IF YOU PEOPLE DON'T GET 1000 POSTS TO THIS THREAD BY THEN, YOUR WORLD IS DOOMED! THAT'S RIGHT! I SAID "DOOMED"! DO YOU WANT TO BEAR RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF TERRAN CIVILIZATION? AND ALL BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO (A) BUSY (B) LAZY (C) UNCREATIVE TO POST A FEW WORDS TO THIS, THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!

AND I HAD SUCH HIGH HOPES FOR YOU GUYS. TSK, TSK, TSK. YOU KNOW, OF ALL THE RACES OVER WHICH I EXERCISE MY OVERLORDSHIP, YOU FOLKS ARE ONE OF MY FAVORITES. IN THE OVERLORDLY SCHEME OF THINGS YOU GUYS ARE SORT OF LIKE DACHSUNDS. NOT MUCH GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT CUTE AND YAPPY. I JUST LOVE TO WATCH YOU CHASE YOUR TAILS. AND, IF THE TRUTH BE KNOWN, I REALLY DON'T LIKE MARTIANS AT ALL. I'D HATE TO SEE YOUR CUTE LITTLE PLANET TAKEN OVER BY THOSE RUFFIANS.

Mrs. Bee, you are a wonderful and forgiving woman. I must ask you, though, if Bee-dubya's playing of the dobro and/or banjos is a condition of his forgiveness -- a penance. If so, couldn't you have done something less terrible, such as ten Hail Marys, ten Our Fathers, and a good flagellation? Sackcloth, fresh ashes, and kneeling in the snow holding a twenty-pound candle? The Inquisition?

Please allow me to re-introduce myself. I am the wife of the individual who goes by the moniker of Bee-dubya-ell on your website. I posted to this thread once before, but it was a long time ago.

I just wanted to let you folks know that my husband has made a full confession of his lust for that alien trollop, Bubba Bubba, and I have accepted his apology. In all honesty, I don't think there was much to worry about anyway. Poor old Bee is at that age where the distinction between fantasy and reality has begun to blur a bit. He likes to fantasize about nubile young things, but the truth of the matter is he probably wouldn't remember what to do with one if ......well, you get the idea. He'd be much better off to stick with playing the Dobro. He can still do that fairly well.

On the other hand, Debbie Earl, (if you haven't been captured and returned to fungus-hood) I hear you like to hang out at truckstops and play the blues. If you're ever at the Flying-J truckstop on Interstate 10 just north of Loxley, Alabama, I think my phone number is still on the men's-room wall. We can run Bee-dubya off and you can have your way with all of his guitars. I should warn you, though, there are several banjoes in the house as well. If you are allergic to them please let me know in advance and I will make arrangements to have them removed (or incinerated).

BRUCE, BRUCE, MAN ... STEADY ON!! Please remember you are on a ricochet!! Doesn't that mean anything to you?? This is NOT a good time to make decisions or to throw yourself at semi-alien hallucinations just because they're not there!! Take a deep breath.

Settle down, get real. find yourself and build a stable center to grow from, man. You've been through a lot. Maybe it is time to leave the aliens behind, now...and believe me, I say this only out of concern for your well-being.

Bee-dubya-ell, please accept my heartfelt sympathy for your recent and tragic loss of Bubba Bubba. I am certain that she is now in a Better Place, and that you will pass through this Vale Of Tears and become a stronger and better person because of it. If there is anything that can be done to help...anything that doesn't involve money or unnatural acts...please remember that I'm here and then go ask someone else. But you do have my sympathy.

Thank you very much for your kind words of consolation. They have really helped me get over the loss of Bubba Bubba. I know that you yourself are on the lam from your fellow freds and that they probably want to turn you back into something like this. Have you considered altering your current "human male" manifestation as a way of throwing them off of your track? A nice female closely resembling Demi Moore at age twenty-five would be a real good choice. If you decide to do so, please let me know. You know where to reach me.

This must be done quickly, as They are looking for me and, I am certain, are monitoring from where posts are made to this thread.

Do not mourn, Bee-Dubya-Ell, as Bubba Bubba (as you know her/it) is only returned to it/her actual form. What you perceive as a fungus is only what appears in the dimensions you can apprehend. She/it is in excellent health as you can see by it/her color; I am certain that it/she is only restrained by a slight turning in the e-dimension, which will cause nothing but locus stasis.

Do not mourn for yourself, either, as in order to do what she wished to do she would have had to consume your protein. All of it, and with great mess. I am sure that you will appreciate the fact that you would have had to have been alive as long as possible while this was taking place. I speak only for you, as I do not know what Khandu might have thought of it.

The Labrador Retriever has been taken in by a wonderful family. I am not privy to what has happened to the R. Nigricans, but I suspect that it was thrown out, its genetic similarity to that of Bubba Bubba unappreciated.

I must leave, as I have already spent too much time here and They might, at this moment, be coming for me. Should I escape, I will attempt to post again in the future.

Freds be afraid....be very fredly afraid...BWL is NOT someone you want to mess with, and he really had his heart set on the Heather Locklear lookalike lick-a-lot and sack-hopping contest. It was gunna be a reglar field day and now you gone and disappointed him badly. I were you I'd be leaving' town 'bout now...

Oh cruel world! The one chance in my lifetime to make it with a genuine alien who happens to bear a striking resemblance to Heather Locklear and you freds go and turn her into a stinking fungus! My God! If it had to be a fungus you could at least have turned her into a bunch of morels (Morchella esculenta) so we could have gotten a nice stir fry out of the deal. But, no!

where I suffered for years in the cultural desert that is Skaneateles, New York, a town that epitomizes spiritual and social stagnation on so many levels that it really ought to be made a national monument of some sort.

LH - I am doing my best to correct that situation with my inspired performance as 'Benjermin Laudley-Bellows : Town Crier' each Christmas season. Granted - I'm not sure that the culture I display is an improvement - but at least it isn't stagnant!

Now I have heard that the milk of ilk is a tasty treat. Not too sour and not too sweet.But in order to get an ilk to milk,you have to feed it good burbon, and do it on silk.Rumor has it, this has been done before,and the ilk milk is not totally, folklore,But I have also heard it from many a stranger than we,that if you drink the milk from an ilk, your eyes will see three.

Mario - I used to live in the Finger Lakes region, where I suffered for years in the cultural desert that is Skaneateles, New York, a town that epitomizes spiritual and social stagnation on so many levels that it really ought to be made a national monument of some sort. There are indeed a great many ilk around there. I can vouch for that. The school basketball team was called the Skaneateles Lakers. They were all wet. I forget what the football team was called. I cared little for football, so I never really focused on that. Matter of fact, I detested it. I was forced to sit through a couple of games by the school administration, which expected us all to demonstrate our school spirit by cheering and yelling. A few of the more naive and preppy kids actually did that, but only a few. The rowdy boys (of which there were a fair few) contented themselves by making rude remarks and leering at the cheerleaders. It was almost as much fun as the time I had the measles, that's why I remember it so well...

I have a question for the esteemed representative of the N.A.I.F. Do your figures include the Maritime Ilk of Cape Cod Bay and the Salt Marshes of Sandy Neck? (whose range extends nothwards to Glouchester on Cape Ann and south to Mystic Ct.) Because I know from personal experience there are still native Ilk in that location.

And in the FingerLakes region of NY state rumours of ilk sightings are frequent.

There is even suppossedly a number of ilk who roam from renaissance festival to Renaissance Faire thoughout the United States and even into Cananda!

So you want a precis, huh? Forget it. Even those of us who check in on this piece of crap several times a day don't have any idea what the hell's going on with it. Just go read the back of a cereal box and you'll know as much (or as little) as if you reread the entire thread. Or, perhaps, if you were to study that ring that forms around the inside of a toilet bowl....

As to what will happen when it reaches 1000 posts....

As long as it happens before August 27 (that means we have six days, gang) it will empower the Mudcat to thwart the Martian invasion that is slated for that date. That assumes that Max/Jeff foresaw the need for at least four digits in the "post number" field. If the field only has space for three digits it will amount to the Mudcat version of the Y2K problem, only it will be the P1K problem instead. If the system will not take the one thousandth post all will be lost. The Martians will simply have their ways with us. The fate of humanity hangs in the balance! (And the balance is being operated by some pretty out-of-balance people.) You may want to stock up on flashlight batteries and canned foods.

As I understand the most recent developments, Bee-dubya has the hots for making it with a space alien who may or may not be female, a labrador, Khandu, and bread mold; the aliens are looking for this one Bee-dubya wants to make it with; the alien's partner, who has or had the hots for Penelope Rutledge, has been struck by lightning; Tweed is promoting a four-way mud wrestling match between the alien, Bubba Bubba, Carol the Sailor, Sorcha, and Penelope Rutledge; Amos and Little Hawk have been chatting in French, insulting each other, while I've been trying to translate for those who don't speak French; Amos is urinating blue, and now the National Association of Ilk Fanciers is annoyed and threatening to post long threads filled with legalese.

Is everything clear now? Of course, you'll have to read the previous pages yourself.

Yore seecrit iz safe wif me BeeDubs. But Carol the Sailor culd prolly take bof them huzzies wif one arm tied behind her back. Thet girl is plum full of ilk and also knows a number of cardbord cutout celebertys. I know a promoter in Memphis wif casino connections. Mebbe we culd team up CaroltSg and Sorchy agin Bubbabb and that old floozy Penelope (who I habv suspected for a long time iz not human neither). It could be telecastered via public access TV across the nation.

Tweed, Tweed, Tweed. Tssk, tssk, tssk. Carol C and Penelope Rutledge wrestling for the chairwomanship of the Ilk Ladies' Auxilliary indeed! Bite your tongue man. The only one truly worthy of the chairwomanship is none other than Bubba Bubba.

Now, I know what you're gonna say - something about "But Bubba Bubba ain't a woman! Bubba Bubba ain't even human! Bubba Bubba is freds!" Well, remember when you fell under the enchantment of Carol the Sailor? Well, I have been smitten. Yes it's true. I have given my heart to an alien who once tried to eat the King of Mississippi but had to spit him out 'cause he tasted so bad.

I have not yet broken the news to Mrs. Bee, so please keep this matter quiet until I've had a chance to talk to her. Thank God the children are all grown.

I porpoise that we,being ilk-minded and sommat in agreement in a couple of things, should band together and cretin a beneficent baste organization. Posonby a loyal l'order of Ilk's, wherein we consomme enormous quantities of beer and gude bourbon whiskey with any profits set aside for chartable causes or even a lodged hot tub to hold meetings in. Surely they is more then a thousand left of our "ilk"

I wuld pay double admission price to see Penelope Rutabags mudwrassle Carol the SailorQueen for the chairwomanship obv the Il'kladies' Auxillyary. My money's on Queen Carol.

What do you suppose a good ilk herder earns these days? I ask this because I have a friend, Yurko, who has experience in sexing muskoxen, and I suspect that he would make a good ilk herder should a position become available. Yurko is an adventurous man who likes to move around a lot, and he is always on the lookout for interesting jobs like that.

It has come to our attention that a number of posts made to this thread have made less than complimentary comments regarding our friend, the noble ilk. As the acknowledged world authority on the ilk, we at the N.A.I.F. would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.

In the very first post to this thread, a Mr. khandu makes reference to "Tweed, Spaw, Carol the Sailor and their ilk." Pleased be advised that we at the N.A.I.F. maintain exacting records regarding the breeding, sale, and ownership of ilk worldwide, and neither of the three persons Mr. khandu mentions own nor have applied for a license to own an ilk. If Tweed, Spaw or Carol the Sailor are claiming to have ilk, they are prevaricating. Trust us. As rare and valuable as ilk are in today's world, if either of them had an ilk, we would know about it. Furthermore, the overall tone of ilk-related posting to this thread is just plain disrespectful. You people act as if ilk were a joke. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. Ilk were once a thriving species held in high regard by kings, queens, emperors and others with more money that sense. Ilk have a long history of being the pet-of-choice of the privileged few and the ilk-breeder was often a person of high esteem at court. But then came the decimation to the ilk population brought on by the ravages of such despots as Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and Khan. At the end of the Cold War, there were less than a dozen ilk left in the world, all carefully hidden away in mountain hovels or disguised as Manchester Terriers (no mean feat sense a fully-grown ilk is over six feet tall). Through the concerted efforts of our members, we at the N.A.I.F. have brought the ilk back from the brink of extinction. The world ilk population is now slightly less than one thousand. All ilk are currently under private ownership, though plans are in motion to donate a breeding pair of ilk to a suitable zoological park. Several such parks have submitted plans for their proposed ilk habitats and a decision will be made by the N.A.I.F. governing body based solely upon the welfare of the ilk.

We at the N.A.I.F. are requesting that you people of The Mudcat Cafe treat the ilk with the respect to which it is due. If you do not honor our request, you may look forward to whatever legal action we see fit to take to put an end to your libelous statements.

Thank you very much for the warning regarding the freds we have come to know as Debbie Earl and Bubba Bubba. We are sure that The Galactic Overlord has our best interests at heart. However, please be advised that any and all comments, warnings or other correspondence regarding Bubba Bubba will be summarily ignored by yours truly.

I don't claim to know anything about fredsian psychology, biology or aesthetics. I also don't know exactly how Bubba Bubba manifested itself back on wherever you freds come from. But I find it hard to believe that any entity that bears as striking a resemblance to Heather Locklear (at age 23) as does Bubba Bubba in its current manifestation can bear anything but goodwill (and good other things) toward males of the human species. I am aware that Bubba Bubba's resemblance to the young Miss Locklear is totally superficial but, hey, I'm a superficial kind of guy.

As it stands right now, I have a pending date with Bubba Bubba (along with a couple of other earth-type entities) and am anxiously looking forward to it. If you happen to see Bubba Bubba before I do, please tell it that either the top of Table Rock in Boise, Idaho or the strange pit in Rapaire's new house will do just fine.

Well, "Debbie Earl", that is quite a story. You say that you have "every intent of making you my partner in the reproduction of my kind". Does your kind reproduce? That surprises me, because I had assumed you were a completely unique example of a divine experiment which would under no circumstances be repeated again! Well, God moves in strange ways, doesn't He?

I can't offer you much hope in your quest, Debbie Earl. You see, no Rutledge female has ever married someone named "Debbie", and I do not intend to be the first to break what is a sacred family tradition. No indeed. Now if your name were something more like "Margaret Alfred Cuddlesmore" or "Hermione John Lilywhite", then it might be within the realm of possibility that I would consider you as a future husband. But... "Debbie Earl"? Not a chance!

Your recent absorption of higher knowledge is impressive, and it has certainly had a salutary effect on your vocabulary, but I must advise you of one thing: "Earthen" (sic) minds did not "concieve" Baroque Chamber Music of the period from 1734 to 1785. They conceived it.

Amos, see this. Which is why I suspect that Debbie Earl is sort of male. I don't think I'd care to investigate it, though. That bit about "devouring" and "comsuming" is off-putting since I don't know how "he" means it.

Ms Earl I am almighty IMpressed with yore recent adventures and most specially with your conclusions therefrom having always been most partial to Scarlatti and JCFB and almost anyone who was genuinely early.