Shame on Us for Shaming Hoffman

Everyone has heard about the 70 heroin envelopes in Philip Seymour Hoffman’s NYC apartment. Everyone has heard about the 20 syringes and the prescription bottles. Everyone has heard about the two decades of sobriety and the recent stint in a short term rehab program.

But everyone is focusing on the wrong parts of this story.

More people relapse than don’t after seeking help for addiction, yet somehow we manage to make those who slip, relapse, or stumble feel ashamed. I’ve experienced this first-hand and have heard too many others’ stories to stomach another death like this. We kick them out of treatment, evict them from apartments, fire them, arrest them, and relegate them to “newcomer” (the term used for people new to 12-step groups) status upon discovery.

And we wonder why they don’t come running to tell us the truth?

Slips and relapses are opportunities for growth, but we need to be there to help develop the awareness. Those who slip need support and should be congratulated and applauded for having the guts to come “clean” but instead they’re made to walk the plank. Millions of people in recovery look at addiction as a chronic disease; at the same time they feel completely justified in dismissing the sickest from the facilities in which they are supposedly being treated.

We need to either stop asking for honesty or be better prepared to accept it and help.

If we want to do something about the addiction problem in this country we have to stop shoving the same version of this story down people’s throats. I have some suggestions:

Relapse is part of recovery—We have to be better prepared.

Pretending that our clients will move forward without relapsing sets them up for unrealistic expectations. It also increases their shame when they slip. We need to be honest and prepare them. We must develop relapse prevention plans and a strong relationship with your clients that allow them to know they won’t be shamed if they stumble.

Drug users are not thinking coherently while under the influence—We need to know how to speak to them.

Talking to a person while they are high about the long term consequences of their actions is absurd. This is a time to speak their language and make sure they are safe. Save the preaching for some other time (like never).

Most people who experience a relapse get better—We have to stop selling them short.

Individuals who relapse should be encouraged to talk about it, examine the experience, and learn. Talking about relapses as events to fear terribly does not decrease their probability; it simply decreases the probability of us finding out about the relapse. Humans learn from mistakes and we should support that process among those who struggle with drugs and alcohol.

Not all users are ready to accept abstinence—We must have other options ready for them.

Dogma is nice. It’s easy to remember. It looks great on stickers. But if a drug user is not ready to quit, sending them back out to “get some more experience” or “reach their bottom” is dangerous. We should be offering any form of help they are willing to accept, not just the one we would most like to offer. “The easier, softer way” is all you will be able to provide sometimes. If you keep waiting for your preferred “more difficult, harder way” you might just be waiting to identify a body. That’s on us, not them.

Any loss is a tragedy. I am sick and tired of losing people to a condition that we should do better to ameliorate. It’s time for us to focus on saving lives, not on some idealized puritanical version of what life in the United States should look like (to you). A caller on a show I appeared on said that celebrities should do something better with their time instead of using drugs—the caller “reads the bible three times a day” and has never touched alcohol or drugs. Well that’s great but it’s nothing more than burying your head in the sand. People use drugs—get over it and help them or get out of the way. There’s a sea-change happening and we are coming for those who are suffering. And you can’t stop us.

Shaming and judgement has no place in treatment from addiction. Although it is so common by lay people and the groups like AA themselves. Not hitting rock bottom, not working hard enough the steps, not giving up to the higher power and all that crap. The disease theory also can shut people into the idea they'll never be well, they are not morally strong enough to resist and all that. So you have a first drink or shoot up what do you do?? Well if i'm diseased might as well go the whole hog eh and binge away!!!!

Abstinence is important for some, can be literally a life saver, allows you the time to examine where you are, take stock. Sometimes be clear in your head for the first time in years. I speak from personal experience.

But it cannot still be the only way, times are a changing.

Signed an ex-alcoholic, not a diseased person oh no, free and responsable for my acts.

Thank you. The shaming KILLS! It is time we woke up and admitted it, the syrupy applause in "meetings" as someone who relapsed walks up to accept the white chip, and their demotion in the "rooms" is shaming, no two ways about it. People in "programs" pretend it isn't. With all the shame for picking up one drink or drug again, is it any wonder people decide to binge and make it a good one? They've lost everything they've worked for in the eyes of others anyway, might as well. This is so dangerous.

Anyone who doesn't see a hierarchy in "programs" that depends on time is ignorant or in complete denial. This culture is ingrained, I think a lot of the participants really believe they are helping people "be accountable" with it, but the effect is to heap shame and humiliation on people who fall short of abstinence.

Some idiot who has never done a thing in his life is treated like a guru if he claims to have 20 years sober. Some well educated thoughtful and wise man with 90 days is treated as an idiot who is ignorant..
A slip is treated as a failure, plain and simple. Then, some idiots turn it into a moral/character issue: "oh, he never surrendered enough, he was insufficiently humble, he was not close enough to HP...blah, blah, blah.....all from uneducated, unknowledagle proles...

I agree. Shaming and the whole abstinence model just makes people lie and binge when they do slip and they will slip. We are better off teaching addicts about damage control and moderation. This is realistic and if you dont like reality than you are better off saying nothing to the addict.

Shame is part of what addicts experience before they begin to have compassion for themselves as human beings with a disease. More focus on after care when someone relapses is so important. Support, meetings, therapy, and learning mindfulness tools to deal with urges and cravings. It's a process. A Journey Not a Destination.

Unfortunately, there are some drug addicts and alcoholics who wear their addictions on their sleeve like a badge of honor. There has to be some degree of shame on doing something that not only destroys your body but rips apart families. Even talk show host Wendy Williams went on her show yesterday to declare the fact that even though she was addicted to crack cocaine for 10 years, she doesn't trust anyone who never did drugs! Our culture today is making it so that everyone is expected to do drugs, be an addict, and there is nothing wrong with that. Shame on us!

I was an alcoholic for 28 years and my story is true. One Sunday morning I was unable to get rid of the urge to go to church. After all I had said and thought about God over the years and now go to church???? I went.
That morning I experienced the spirit of God and he began to work in my life. I had given my heart to Jesus. That morning after service, I went home and took all my alcohol, rum, beer, jack and poured it all down the drain and walked away from it and have not gone back!!! That was in 2001. Somehow God took this broken down drunk and made me a Pastor with the Assemblies of God Church. I now lead 12step groups even one in the prison.
Sincerely show others how you feel. I believe we need to show that person that you really care and have an interest in their lives. I want to see you get better about yourself. Show them your openness, your faults and put your arm on their shoulder and tell them it's ok. Then you and the person can look at what May have been the trigger that caused the fall. Together Develope a plan that can be used the next time that trigger shows itself. Be available to all members. Be there for them even in the middle of the night. I have told them that we don't look down instead keep your eyes straight ahead and just reach down and grab a hand and walk together

Hello there. My name is Clarence Arvidson. Office supervising just
what she does in her own day function. Her husband and
her survive in Hawaii but these days she is considering other options.
The favorite hobby to be around her and her kids is kit cars
but she doesn't feature the time fairly recently.