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11.03.2011

i cried again. that's a bit unusual for me, because even when i want to cry, i can't cry unless i'm in a state of complete depression. unfortunately, i ended up crying in church, which wasn't so great. my mother, who i assume was worried about what people would think about me crying, told me that maybe i should "see a psychiatrist, because this depression is affecting everyone." i wasn't really sure what to say to that, so i didn't say anything.

and while i was crying, i noticed my nails were blue at the bottom. deep blue. and my hands were pale. i don't pay much attention to my nails, ever. i thought for a second, maybe i'm just imagining this. but i asked my little cousins (they're 6 and 7) and they both said my nails were blue. and that they didn't think that was normal. so i tried eating healthier. mainly because now my insomnia is unbearable, since i'm also too cold to fall asleep, even though i sleep beside the radiator.

on sunday, i tried being normal. i had breakfast, and then i started bleeding like crazy. (you know what i mean. down there.) one of my friends is studying to be a nutritionist, and i tried talking to him, because he always tells me that i can talk to him about anything. but he just strengthened my belief that people never actually mean it when they say that, unless they're going through-- or went through-- the same thing you are. i told him that i either drink too much water or not enough and that i either eat too much or not enough. i even showed him my nails. he took it as one of those things, laughed and told me to go eat something. well, gee, thanks.

on monday, i was at that friend's house, the one i've been hanging out with a lot, and my mom called to say she was locked out. so i borrowed her bike and pedaled home, which was about five miles. wednesday, i rode to school. it was almost nine miles. why? why would i leave home earlier, just so i could ride a bike to school? i'll tell you why. because i ate breakfast. isn't that normal? why, yes, it is. for a normal person.

anyway, to cut that part short, i'm probably going to start riding to school and back, just for the sake of burning calories from "eating healthy." (which really just means i have two meals a day where i eat at least fifty percent of each.) oh, and she totally gave me her bike and bike chain. which was sweet of her. so my week wasn't perfect until today, but i could more or less pretend i was okay. the good news is, i've actually been doing my homework, but only because otherwise i'd be riding a bicycle around my neighborhood until i collapsed from exhaustion.

and then today, while singing per la gloria d'adorarvi, i realized that this guy i've been swearing i could never like, i actually do like. and i think i've been trying to convince myself that i liked all the other guys around him because i didn't want to like him. you know, people who protest too much and all that... but he likes that pirate girl from the hallowe'en party. yeah.

i don't know if it's just me, but i keep coming to these conclusions. like, it always seems like guys like the girl who's twenty pounds heavier than me, or the girl who's twenty pounds lighter than me, and never someone around whatever the hell i am. and then i'll think, maybe weight has nothing to do with it. so it's the hair. my hair's too short, or not short enough. am i too much of an individual?or not enough of one? should i be trashier? should i flirt more, maybe start wearing makeup like everyone else? nail polish? a good friend of mine told me that i have three looks: A, B, and C. he said that no matter what i wear, it always falls into one of those. maybe my mother was right when she said i'm too much of a tomboy. she's under the impression that i push all boys into the friend zone instantly, but i grew up thinking that the best kinds of relationships started as great friendships. i could be wrong. i don't know.

so today (honestly, just a few hours ago), i realized that i'm in a lot of really vicious cycles. cycle one is this: restrict, binge, laxative overdose. cycle two is this: fall for a guy, become happy based on non-existent/imagined bond forming between us, dress like a normal girl, realize that bond is non-existent/imagined, realize how much better everyone else is in comparison, wear potato-sack styled outfit to school, wonder why guys aren't interested, go through cycles of cycle one. cycle three is this: mania, cycle two, depression, cycle one. rinse, repeat. right now, i'm in cycle two. between "wear potato-sack styled outfit to school" and "wonder why guys aren't interested".

the guy i realized i like, i feel sorry for him. for both of us. i like him and he likes another girl, who likes another guy who's too stupid to notice that she likes him. and these are just the superficial issues i'm dealing with. superficial, yes, because my deeper issues i don't even want to deal with. the funny thing is, the girl is just like me, except she flirts with guys and she'll get in their cars and make out with them and she wears shorts and skirts and boots, and she's about twenty pounds heavier than me, and she-- oh. we're not the same at all.

well, whatever. i'm going to go get my potato-sack styled outfits together, convince myself to avoid this guy i have a crush on until he starts doing the same, and listen to blow, blow thou winter wind until i cry or fall asleep. the john rutter arrangement. it's worth a listen.