The marriage whisperer: 5 sex mistakes women make

One of the joys – and the traps – of being in a long-term relationship is that you get very comfortable with each other, whether it’s on the couch, in the kitchen or in the bedroom. You know what your partner likes and you don’t have to quietly stress about the possibility of getting it all wrong.

And that’s great when you’re choosing a DVD together, or cooking his favourite meal, but when it comes to getting your sexy on, being able to fast track your communication is not always a good thing. Not only can it make our sex lives something far less than exciting, but we can develop bad habits that are repeated over the years. Instead discover simple ways you can avoid getting in a rut with your partner. Here's how:

Sex mistake 1: Not initiating sex with your partner

For most women, initiating sex is just not something we do – it falls into the Man’s Job category, along with checking the oil in the car and mowing the grass. Whether it’s because we don’t want to come across as too pushy or unladylike, or we’re accustomed to being tapped on the shoulder by our ever-keen partner, initiating sex is not something many women do often.

But give it a try – men like to be pursued just as much as women do, so he’ll appreciate that you’re interested and your advances will make him feel prized.

Sex mistake 2: Over-thinking what you look like – because he isn’t!

A body that has born children is a beautiful thing (yes, stretch marks and all) – sure, it isn’t the body you probably flaunted when you first met, but neither is his! Being seen naked is a habit we fall out of as we age – between our need for sleep and young children who wake early, intimate acts tend to take place under the covers in the dark of night.

Even if you can’t bring yourself to be completely naked, try to relax about the bits your partner will see (and they will only be bits!) Flesh is flesh and if you truly do want to get out of bad habits in the bedroom, you need to be able to relax enough to enjoy it and not worry and the wobbly bits on your legs.

And remember this - men are notoriously unobservant! Remember the haircut you spent a fortune on that he didn’t notice for days? How likely is it that he’s going to notice that your skin is not quite as tight as it was ten years ago?!

Sex mistake 3: Believing he’s always up for sex

Despite what we are led to believe, men’s libidos aren’t permanently set on GO. Sure, teenage boys are mostly ready and willing anytime, anywhere, anyhow, but grown men are a different story.

The daily pressures of everyday life – work, finances, family pressure - can have a big impact on your man’s libido, so there will inevitably be times when he just wants to go to bed to sleep and nothing more.

His lack of desire should not be read less as a personal rejection (yes, he still loves you) and more as a normal fluctuation of libido – after all, how much do you feel like having sex after a big day of kid-wrangling? And you still love your partner, don’t you?

Sex mistake 4: Not giving him guidance - he’s not a mind-reader!

Many of us don’t like to talk directly about sex – but you’re unlikely to have a satisfying sexual relationship unless you communicate clearly with your partner. You are not a passive vessel so take responsibility for your own pleasure by telling him what you like (or don’t like) and you will go a long way to having a sex life that works for you both. Men usually like to please so a little tactful direction will pay off big dividends in the bedroom next time.

Just be tactful about delivering your message – try not to hurt his feelings, particularly if you are asking him to stop doing something that he has been doing for years, under the assumption that you liked it.

Sex mistake 5: Sticking with the familiar

Familiar is comforting – but it’s not very exciting. After years of doing the same things the same way, sex can become more of a ritual than most of us like to admit. Try spicing things up occasionally by doing things slightly differently. And don’t wait for your partner to suggest it - you can take the lead here!

And if he suggests doing things differently, don’t take it personally. Trying new things in the bedroom doesn’t meant that he’s unhappy with your sex life (and by extension, you) it merely means that variety is the spice of life!