First, let me say that I am not responsible for any insanity that creeps into this post. A bird is. Specifically, the bird that lives somewhere near our back yard and has a message to share with the world. And that message runs as follows:

This has been going on throughout all the daylight hours. For weeks. It's like living next door to a home for fraternity boys tragically transformed into members of the animal kingdom. (No, frat boys are not normally members of the animal kingdom; scientifically speaking, they belong to the Certain Squidgy Sea Creatures, the More Offensive Primates, and Anything Covered in Chitin kingdom.)

Makes it hard to focus. Makes it hard to be filled with loving kindness for nature. Makes it hard to do anything except swear vengeance on our feathered friends. This is how mad scientists come to be, people.

So, you know, FYI: not at my all-time record mental stability, here. Could possibly have some effect on the recommendations. And I say that because I have decided to make this a whole set of stories in which aliens (or other non-human entities) make people have sex. Which, yes, is by definition a good thing, but I can't help thinking it reflects badly on my sanity.

Ah, well. I'm going to blame the Bird. And if that isn't enough, I'll also blame the icon pairing meme. (Which I so shouldn't even have tried; I mean, Batman's Robin/Christopher Robin? I don't wanna go there. And Nagiko from The Pillow Book/Poison Ivy is, if anything, worse.) It put bad thoughts into my head. And they ended here. With aliens. And sex.

Best FF That Gives Some Very Valuable Advice Concerning Giant Warrior Pigs. And Makes It Obvious That There Should Be More Giant Warrior Pigs in Certain Parts of the Multiverse.The One in the Cave, by Anna S., aka eliade. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Spike/Xander Harris. Look, I refuse to be sorry for recommending Anna all the time. She writes the good crack. I recommend the good crack. It's a functional, healthy relationship, and I'm proud of it - simple as that. (And, no, you may not "just mention that it's a relationship built entirely around gay porn." There is nothing wrong with that, and any argument based on the premise that there is is inherently flawed. And you also may not "point out that you don't actually interact with her, so maybe it can't be called a relationship, per se," because if I let you get all technical about the definition of a relationship, pretty soon I'll have hardly any left. It's better this way.) So. There might be, like, three people who haven't read eliade's work yet, and if there are, this is their wake-up call. Attention, Anna-Deniers: you'll be happier if you just go read everything she's written. I don't care if it's not in your fandom. Because, like, take this one: there's a guy. And another guy, who is technically dead and evil, but don't let that get to you. And some big baddies conveniently located just off screen are forcing them to have sex. It's a classic plot, people! An archetypal plot, even, right up there with the other classics: man v. man, man v. nature, and man fucking man on the orders of a deus ex machina, but it's okay because secretly they want to! What, you didn't cover that in English class? Well, that's why we have fandom.

Best FF That Proves That the Phrase "It's for Your Own Good" Can, on Occasion, Be Entirely Accurate. Although I Still Wouldn't Advise You to Trust Any Aliens Who Happen to Utter It; Probably They Just Want to Eat You.A Strange but True Story, by pearl_o. Due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski. I'm going to sing here, and I want you all to join in on the chorus. "It's back, it's back, the dS mojo is back! It's back, it's back, the -" What? No, I don't know what the tune is. Like that would make any difference anyway; I mean, I'm the one doing the singing, here. You just pick whatever tune you like and come in strong on the "mojo is back" part, okay? Because the point, in case you missed it, is that my dS mojo is back. It's still a little fragile - I'm not clicking on random stories in archives just yet, and I'm afraid to so much as think about fanfiction.net, but otherwise, I've got a fully functional dS mojo, here. And thank god for that. I was flirting with brand-new fandoms for a while there: Doctor Who, Dead Zone, Deadwood - basically anything that began with 'D.' But turns out I don't need to. And the proof is my recommendation of this charming little gem. I mean, yes, technically I read it before the whole Mojo Issue, but I re-read it just now, and I enjoyed it heartily. No surprise, either, with the clever inverted storytelling, and also the part that's from Diefenbaker's point of view, and also the worryingly parental aliens. Yes, my friends, dS is indeed a happy place to be. And I? Am there.

Best FF That Proves That If You Don't - Oh My God. I Was About to Make a 'Come Prepared' Joke. Someone Needs to Save Me from Myself. Although It May Already Be Too Late.Objectives, by Shalott, aka astolat. Stargate: SG-1, Jack O'Neill/Daniel Jackson. I have something of an embarrassment squick, and by that I actually mean an embarrassment squick so severe that when I tried to type out an example for this sentence I had to take a twelve-hour break from writing this post. Seriously. It's bad, people. I'd rather random-browse on fanfiction.net* than read embarrassment fic. What does this mean for my life? Well, yes, it means that I flee from movies intended for the under 21 crowd. But, hey, not like I'm missing much there. Unfortunately, it also means that I sometimes flee from perfectly good pieces of fan fiction. So I have a special notation I put in my shorthand descriptions for stories that could've hit my squick, but didn't. It consists mostly of exclamation points, and this story gets a lot of them for the way Shalott navigates a conversation that had the potential to be hideously painful (well, for people like me) and instead is just wildly funny. (That Shalott, how I love her. She never triggers my embarrassment gag reflex. These days, I don't even stop reading her stories when I realize a potentially embarrassing scene is coming up, because I know she'll handle it with style and grace and no squick at all. I think she might have superpowers or something.) So, basically, in this story, there's humor, and then there's alien-induced sex, and then there's more humor. I can't imagine a world where that would be anything less than delightful.

Best Two Stories That Prove That Pegasus Galaxy Grows Some Truly Excellent Aliens, Even If They Seem to Be Mostly Just Rustic-Village-Oriented on the Show Itself.Advantage AND Abstain, by Resonant, aka resonant8. Stargate: Atlantis, John Sheppard/Rodney McKay. I actually have three reasons for recommending both of these stories, and I'm bound and determined to write them all down. Just - indulge me, okay? First. I have to acknowledge outstanding achievements in the field of alien-induced sex, and Resonant and Stargate: Atlantis have both been doing amazing things in this arena. Seriously. SGA is, like, the Fandom of Pervy Aliens, and Resonant is - you know what, I don't think I want to finish that sentence. It's better that way. Suffice to say that Res totally deserves some kind of frameable certificate, maybe even a plaque, from grateful aficionados of aliens who make humans have sex for reasons best known to themselves. (I'd certainly chip in, because wow.) Also, second, and more tragically, I know everyone who reads this LJ has already read these two stories. So I had to recommend them, because - because I had to, dammit - but I figured I'd put both of them together. Isn't this the perfect time for a re-read? And, finally, these stories prove that if cliches are fun, twisted cliches are even more fun. Because, like, in Advantage, the aliens aren't making them have sex; they're just making John, well, I guess you could say altruistic. (I'd say "subservient," but he so isn't. Because even when John Sheppard is a willing slave, he's still insubordinate. And that, people, is why I love him.) And in Abstain, the aliens specifically make them not have sex. Which of course causes them to have sex. What can we learn from this? Well, my take-home lesson is that everything leads to McKay and Sheppard getting it on, and it's one that I'm glad to have learned.

Best FF That Proves That Our More Local Aliens Are Very Helpful, But Also Slightly Creepy.What You Want, by The Spike, aka spike21. Smallville, Clark Kent/Lex Luthor. Okay, let's get the unpleasant part out of the way first: I'm disappointed in you, Smallville fandom. Because, yes, this is a great and wonderful story in which aliens make Clark and Lex have sex, but it's the only one I've yet found in this fandom. And, granted, I haven't exactly delved into the depths of SV FF just yet, but - there should be pervy aliens everywhere in here! I shouldn't be able to click on a link without tripping over two or three stories in which aliens turn out to have needs! (Obviously, I mean aliens in addition to Clark. Because he has needs, yes, but you have to hit him with a kryptonite brick to get him to notice that. I'm just saying - why can't that brick be wielded by aliens?) But - and this is the not-complaining part of the summary, here - if there had to be just one aliens make them do it story in SV, I'm glad it was this one. Because, oh my god, the world needs a story in which a person initiates sex with another person by saying, "You should probably come here and smell me." Or am I the only one who is rendered incoherent with joy - and giggles, yes, but the joy is paramount - by that line? Hmmm. I may actually be the only one. In which case, feel free to tell me what a freak I am. I'm not afraid. Well, I mean, obviously; I just posted a whole recommendations set involving aliens who are apparently closet slashers.

-Footnote-

* I swear this will be the last fanfiction.net dig in this post. It's just - it's funny 'cause it's true! And also, I went there recently, and oh my god, people. You wouldn't believe what fangirls are Mary Sueing these days. It's like wall-to-wall Lady Raventroth of Butterfly-Kitten in there.

::cries with laughter:: I'm... so sorry that nature is being annoying. I think that's nature's default mode, but that could just be me. ::smiles winningly::

And YAY, your dS mojo is back! That's wonderful news. (I'm curious to know what happened to it in the first place, since I'm having a bit of mojo loss in that area myself (though nothing like yours, mind), but I won't press for details if it's terribly personal.)

I think that's nature's default mode, but that could just be me. ::smiles winningly::

Well, at any rate it's both of us. But, you know, I've learned to accept that nature and my immune system are not a happy mix. I've even learned to accept that I will have to pay $500/month for the rest of my life if I want to breathe with anything like regularity - I might not be happy about it, but I've accepted it. So I was in this Zen-like state of acceptance, and then Bird came along and suddenly I'm right back in the Anti-Nature Militia. Pass me that handgrenade, sister; I'm taking Bird down.

(I'm curious to know what happened to it in the first place, since I'm having a bit of mojo loss in that area myself (though nothing like yours, mind), but I won't press for details if it's terribly personal.)

Hmmm. DS mojo loss appears to be rampant in our little community. Perhaps we should start a community called bringbackthedsmojo. Hmm. Too many letters. ds_mojo? Or fandom_mojo, so we can address the needs of the temporarily mojoless from around fandom?

I'll happily tell you what killed my mojo (though it rises again...it liiiiiiives!), just - only via email. So iffen you wanna know, send me a line: either my LJ name at livejournal dot com or thefourthvine at gmail dot com. (My new address, instituted with the kind invitation of maygra after pretty much endless frustration with the old address. You can be the first to email me there directly! But act now! This one-time special offer will never come again! Um. But there won't be a free steak knife or anything; just warning you.)

See, now, I have no idea, because my ability to identify birds pretty much begins and ends with pigeons and seagulls. (In other words, I am good with pests that poop everywhere. And, wow, that explains so much about my life.) I'm sure it's neither of those.

And I would think owl, except - they're nocturnal, aren't they? I mean, either they're nocturnal or A.A. Milne lied to me.

*eyes Milne with suspicion*

Anyway, this thing starts making noise at sunup and stops at sundown, so either it's a very confused owl or it's a not-owl. I'm making no bets either way.

Your bird sounds awful. Mine (the evil one in my backyard) has a high-volume repetitive whine that sounds exactly like a distressed and lonely dog, which leaves me looking around to see who has been locked outside...

Okay, that's it. Nature has gotten out of hand! It's all uppity and bird-filled (and ficus-infested, let us not forget), and I for one do not intend to take it anymore.

Look, I refuse to be sorry for recommending Anna all the time. She writes the good crack. I recommend the good crack. It's a functional, healthy relationship, and I'm proud of it - simple as that. (And, no, you may not "just mention that it's a relationship built entirely around gay porn."

You are sweet. *g* Have I really never interacted with you before? Gah--that is a terrible oversight of mine if that's the case, and I believe you. But when I've seen you rec stuff of mine before now I've always been, like, "Oh, must comment and thank her and say hello!" But knowing me I probably never did follow through on that moment of synaptic firing.

At least as many times, I've meant to thank you for making other recs of other people & bringing me links to stories I wouldn't have otherwise seen. You are one of the great fic-reccers, you know. (Or "ficka'rycker," which in Swedish means "pocket snatch.")

You have a great style--I do *feel* like we've interacted just from reading your LJ posts. :)

archetypal plot, even, right up there with the other classics: man v. man, man v. nature, and man fucking man...

Have I really never interacted with you before? Gah--that is a terrible oversight of mine if that's the case, and I believe you.

We have a thoroughly modern LJ relationship. Direct personal interaction is a thing of the past! Conversations are depressingly bimodal! In the very near future, everyone will type for fifteen minutes!

Okay, yeah, that didn't go where I expected it to. Sorry.

I do feel the need to state (although I suspect you know this) that that was not meant as a criticism - it's just this weird LJ thing, that there are people whose lives I know something about, and who know something about mine, and whose LJs I read avidly, and yet we don't actually...interact. It just feels like we do. And I feel like I know them, and like they know me. It's a sign of the times. Or possibly just of my own communication style. ("Avoidant," they used to call it, back in the day.)

Or "ficka'rycker," which in Swedish means "pocket snatch."

I...seriously? Is that true? Because if so, I think I've got a new journal title. Hell, I think I have a new calling. Turns out that when the career counselor said, "Do what you love," what she meant was, "You were destined to be a pocket snatch, honey. Don't fight it."

So true--though I actually modeled the story on Doctor Zhivago.

Oh my god! I can't believe I didn't see this before. Spike is Zhivago, Xander is Lara, Buffy is Zhivago's wife. And the giant warrior pigs are the Bolsheviks! Their ominous off-stage prescence initiates and determines the course of the action! Collectivism comes crashing down on Spike-Zhivago in the form of the Scoobies! And the central act of sex becomes the more explicit depiction of Xander-Lara's status as Spike-Zhivago's muse!

*is paralyzed by sudden memory of that one Frodo/Sam/Gollum LotR vid set to "My Boyfriend's Back"*

*collapses laughing on the dance floor*

*is alarmed to note that no one can detect a difference between this and the funky strutting*

Yeah, okay. Now I remember why I don't do the strutting in public.

(Also, I advise you not to be a slave to mere meter and tune. I suggest that you use these lyrics: "Her mojo's back and we're going to have a large number of smutty due South recs real soon/Hey-la, Hey-la, her mojo's back." Bend the tune to suit your will, that's always been my motto.)

*snickering* I am a big fan of the pervy aliens genre and while mine is--um, kinda different from Spike's, I wrote that cliche too, for undermistletoe. There's--plungers and scary Amazon women type aliens? (And I've started to think about what themes I'm going to have for this year's challenge, so if you've been noticing SV fic lacking in certain areas, feel free to forward off some suggestions if you are so inclined. This year, I'm just going to go for everything I think this fandom needs more of. Like, say, Harlequin-inspired SV fic. *g*)

Oh, and cannot find that happy fic recs post I did for *anything*, but I'm thinking I'm just going to write up a new one sometime in the next month or so. Just so you know I didn't forget to...actually look.

I knew that. Because you never forget anything. You are the goddess of fannish organization, and I'd pray to you pretty much daily if I wasn't somewhat concerned that I was your opposite number, and that me praying to you might therefore bring about an untimely apocalypse-type thing.

And I had not seen undermistletoe. How did this happen? How did I miss this? I'm disappointed in myself, but totally thrilled to have a whole bunch of fics to go through all of a sudden. Yay!

Like, say, Harlequin-inspired SV fic.

OH MY GOD yes! Livia's doing some great stuff with SGA and pirate romances, and Lex is so totally pirate material. And Clark, Clark is perfectly cast as the blushing innocent maiden who meets her (um, his) Seaswept Passion in his manly arms.

Or! A sort of more modern thing, where Lex is a corporate raider par excellance, and Clark is the down-home Kansas girl whose family farm is in jeopardy, and...wait. They already did that one, didn't they?

Huh. Do you think this is where the SV canon writers have been getting their plots?

*departs to read SV Aliens Make Them Doooo Eeeet fic with a happy, happy heart*

Seriously, do you live near me? Because we, yes totally have the frolicking possums. Also very active squirrels that like to jeer at our dogs. And the Nightly Mating Cat Show, which - Jesus, if anything made me scream like that, I would work to avoid it, you know?

Our neighbors, though, are not a problem. It's just the wildlife. (I live in a gigantic metropolitan area! In a desert! Surely we aren't supposed to *have* wildlife?) Of course, your neighbors sound sort of like wildlife.

I'm going to sing here, and I want you all to join in on the chorus. "It's back, it's back, the dS mojo is back! It's back, it's back, the -" What? No, I don't know what the tune is. Like that would make any difference anyway; I mean, I'm the one doing the singing, here. You just pick whatever tune you like and come in strong on the "mojo is back" part, okay?

I've got a little Gregorian chant going on here. "The...mo-jo...is...back...wooo-oooot." Like that. Only with, you know, monks and stuff.

(And it's not like I'd ever rec my own stuff - I think Ms. Fannish Manners describes it as "declasse," and you know how I never argue with her, except when I do, and even then I nearly always say I'm sorry - but in any case, in this set? No. This is a very strong set, right here.)

Oh my god cabbage of true love. I love the Bunny, but I had not seen that one. It is love! And cabbages!

(And thank you. Also, my mojo and I will be throwing a little party to celebrate our reunion, and you are totally invited. Although I have to warn you that it will pretty much look like an ordinary recs set. Still: party in my LJ for my mojo and me!)

Wow, you have an embarrassment squick as bad as mine. I have to leave the room if I'm watching movies and it looks like something hideously embarrassing is going to happen. It makes watching comedy impossible.

OMG I just got here throught a link from...um. Somewhere. (la la la, memory allll goooone....) And hey. You are seriously cool. (Bird, allegro con brio: Woooo woo-woo. *dies laughing*) Plus, bonus, fic recs. (I'm sifting back through entries, and Jesus CHRIST have I missed a lot of good fiction. Mmm. You will keep me busy many a too-late-night to come, I think. Um. That may have come out wrong.)

Hi! Friend at will - you never have to ask. And I'm glad you like my recs, since some of your stories will be up there someday. (I've been seriously loving your SGA stuff, especially Silva, My Soul/Predatory, and AS. And I've never encountered you anywhere else, so your work was a very happy surprise for me. Yours were some of the first stories I read in this fandom, and they definitely helped suck me in.)

Bird continues with his quest to drive us all crazy. He's not got a huge repertoire, but I'll say this for him - he puts in the hours, Bird does. And he sends you the following message: Woooo woo-woo.

Meanwhile, I say: Welcome! And hi, and thank you for commenting. If you see other stuff you like here, and you get a chance, I'd love to hear about it. (I'm kind of bad about answering comments, but I love getting them. I gloat and everything.)

Hi - traveled here from a link from... someone... must go back through all open tabs to figure out where it was... hmm. Unknown. But yes, traveled here, have now discovered some awesome awesome stories through the fic recs, and have friended you, if that's okay, because fic recs always make my day happier.

Also - Bird, really cranking up the soul: Woooo woo-woo.? Hysterical. Though I have one outside my window that does the first four notes of Beethoven's 5th (dun dun dun DUNN) over and over and over again. But no dogs to counterpoint, sadly. Or fortunately, whichever.