My friend has adopted a 5 year old. The process was about 16 months from start to the time they got full approval. It was quite stressful and involved lots of soul searching and detailed family history and analysis with strangers. I think she found it quite therapeutic in some ways and it didn't put her off at all. They found a suitable match very quickly and then it was only a couple of months before he arrived.

Children can come with lots of baggage and you really need to be prepared for a long hard slog. It takes months, even years, before you can begin to have a relationship approaching normality with a child that's been in the system for a long time. Good luck with it.

Yeah, I've kind of prepared myself for at least 5 years of getting somewhere approaching 'normal'...but how can you possibly prepare yourself fully for bringing up a child? I don't think any amount of prep can fully prepare you...but...have been thinking this through and talking it over with ppl for igh on 4 years

Thanks DF. Can I ask why the interest? It's quite sweet that you are hotlisting me? Is it because you approve or disapprove? I have had 99.9% support, but one or two have politely had a go as I'd be a single parent!

We recently had a training session on how to deal with kids who have been adopted after suffering neglect in very early life (with kids from 2 families receiving special mention). Actually I missed the training as I was ill, but the gist was that the early nurturing and bonding that goes on between mum and baby is actually a vital part of the development of the brain. Babies who missed out on this (in cases of neglect, for instance, and especially in cases of abuse) have damage done to the frontal lobes of their brains, which often hits them as they enter puberty. Apparently this damage is in line with that seen in accident victims who have survived actual brain trauma.

I have heard the same from an acquaintance (book group buddy) who adopted 2 young girls a few years ago. If parenting is a full time job, parenting to an emotionally damaged child is ten times that.

Be very sure of what you are getting into. All 3 of the sets of parents I know (2 professionally, 1 through book group) would never reverse their actions if they could go back in time, but all 3 have realised that they have taken on a LOT more than they were prepared for. One of the mums from one of the families in school said, "We thought that taking on these babies from such a tiny age [under a year, I believe] would be troublefree, we couldn't see how they could be anything other than a clean sheet - but we are finding now [at secondary age] that that is not the case."

I think it's the teenage years that scare me most. I'm looking to adopt a child up to the age of 6. It will be beyond difficult, but it's what happens when puberty hits that scaresa me the most, for precisely the reasons you have stated

You can probably deal with anything if you are prepared and understand what's going on. The mum who said the thing I quoted was not prepared. She thought that once you love them and are giving them a better life, all is cool and dandy. Till the police started showing up at her door....

While what rustybug says is certainly true, I daresay there are thousands of natural parents who face the same worries about the teenage years.

True, adopted children might have a few more issues to deal with, and a few more bits of ammunition to throw in a fight. But maybe, just maybe, in time they'll also recognise what you've given them, and appreciate that.

Yeah...I'm of the opinion that love won't be enough. Many of these children have been so badly damaged...

However, reassuringly my SW said that as a single parent I would not be placed with an incredibly difficult child. However again, you cannot predict how the child's behaviour will develop can you? You can't even do that with blood related children.

My outlook is always to be as prepared as you can for worst case scenarios...

But startagian, that's not the point. The thousands of natural parents worrying about the teenage years are not dealing with actual brain damage that has occurred. The adopted kids may well feel grateful and all, I'm sure that they do (as much as any teen ever can feel any gratitude!), but I'm not talking about grateful or ungrateful kids, I'm talking about kids who cannot form proper relationships because their brains have not formed correctly.

I think if you're going into it expecting gratitude, you're on a hiding to nothing, frankly.

It's a fantastic and worthwhile thing to do and my admiration for you is enormous, willi, just BE PREPARED!!!!!