[01-05]The One with the East German Laundry Detergent (土曜の夜を一緒に)

Ross : Not that big a deal? It’s amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there’s one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I’m concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?

Rachel : Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

Chandler : We can? All right, I’m tryin’ that.

Joey : Ok, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.

Phoebe : Oh, ok, you know what I don’t get? The way guys can do so many mean things, and then not even care.

Monica : Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. You just gotta do it.

Chandler : No, I know, but it’s just so hard, you know? I mean, you’re sitting there with her, she has no idea what’s happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and there’s the horrible awkward moment when you’ve handed her the note.

Joey : Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, just stop calling.

Phoebe : You know, if you want, I’ll do it with you.

Chandler : Oh, thanks, but I think she’d feel like we’re gangin’ up on her.

Phoebe : No, I mean you break up with Janice and I’ll break up with Tony.

Ross : Tony?

Monica : Oh, you’re breaking up with Tony?

Phoebe : Yeah, I know, he’s sweet, but it’s just not fun anymore, you know? I don’t know if it’s me, or his hunger strike, or, I don’t know.

Ross : Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don’t, um, why don’t I just join you both, here?

Rachel : Don’t you have a laundry room in your building?

Ross : Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there’s a…. rat problem. Apparently they’re attracted to the dryer sheets, and they’re goin’ in fine, but they’re comin’ out all…. fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?

Rachel : Sure.

[Cut back to Joey and Angela at the counter.]

Angela : Forget it Joey. I’m with Bob now.

Joey : Bob? Who the hell’s Bob?

Angela : Bob is great. He’s smart, he’s sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob–

Joey : Come on, we were great together. And not just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too.

Angela : Yeah, well, sorry, Joe. You said let’s just be friends, so guess what?

Joey : What?

Angela : We’re just friends.

Joey : Fine, fine, so, why don’t the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? You know, as friends?

Angela : What four of us?

Joey : You know, you and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica.

Scene : Monica and Rachel’s apartment.

[ Joey is there, trying to convince Monica to pose as his girlfriend. His plan is to hook Monica up with Angela’s boyfriend Bob and then take Angela back for himself.]

Joey : Monica, I’m tellin’ you, this guy is perfect for you.

Monica : Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.

Joey : Come on. This guy’s great. His name’s Bob. He’s Angela’s… brother. He’s smart, he’s sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Bob is–

Monica : [looking out window] Oh, god help us.

Joey : What?

Monica : Ugly Naked Guy’s laying kitchen tile. Eww!

Joey : Eww! Look, I’m asking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe Angela will come back to me.

Monica : What’s going on here? You go out with tons of girls.

Joey : [proud] I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up with her. Will you help me? Please?

Chandler : It’s just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You’re going on a date.

Ross : Nuh-uh.

Chandler : Yuh-huh.

Ross : So what’re you saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what?

Chandler : Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she’s gonna see your underwear–do you want it to be dirty?

Ross : [sheepish] No.

Chandler : Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?

Ross : Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I’m a sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way.

Chandler : There you go.

Scene : A fancy restaurant.

[ Joey and Monica are there, meeting Angela and Bob, who Monica thinks is Angela’s brother.]

Monica : Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short?

Joey : Yep.

Monica : Which?

Joey : Which what?

Monica : You’ve never met Bob, have you?

Joey : No, but he’s–

Monica : Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this guy could be horribly–

[Angela and Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.]

Angela : Hey, Joey.

Monica : –horribly attractive. I’ll be shutting up now.

Scene : Central Perk

[ Chandler and Phoebe are there, both ready to break up with their significant others.]

Chandler : Where are they? Where are they?

Phoebe : This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.

Chandler : It’s great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.

Phoebe : Eww, I don’t wanna do that.

[Janice and Phoebe’s boyfriend, Tony, walk in.]

Chandler : Here we go.

Phoebe : Ok, have a good break-up.

Chandler : Hey, Janice.

Janice : Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful day.

Chandler : Hey, that’s not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please?

Janice : We got the proofs back from that photo shoot, you know, the one with the little vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest of the day, and I went shopping…[looks through her bags]… and I got you, I’m looking, I’m looking, I’m looking, I got you…

[Chandler sees Phoebe breaking up with Tony. She talks to him for a few seconds, hugs him, and then he leaves. Chandler is amazed how easy it was for her.]

Chandler : What?

Janice : What?

Chandler : [covering] What… did you get me there?

Janice : I got you–these. [pulls out a pair of socks]

Chandler : Bullwinkle socks. That’s so sweet.

Janice : Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Whatever you want.

Chandler : That’s great.

[The drinks arrive, and Chandler downs his espresso in one gulp.]

Chandler : Well, I’m gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte?

Janice : [holding the full cup] No, no, I’m still working on mine.

[Chandler walks over to the counter where Phoebe is, and is asking her about the break-up.]

Chandler : That’s it?

Phoebe : Yeah, it was really hard.

Chandler : Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.

Phoebe : Ok, you weren’t there.

Scene : The Launderama.

[ Rachel is there, waiting for Ross. An old woman takes Rachel’s clothes off the machine and begins loading it with her things.]

Rachel : Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants?

Ross : Rach, have you never done this before?

Rachel : Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me. I’m a laundry virgin.

Ross : Uh, well, don’t worry, I’ll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your under-panty things.

Rachel : [holds a pair of panties in front of Ross] Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or delicates?

Ross : [visibly nervous] Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call.

Scene : Fancy restaurant.

[ Monica, Joey, Angela, and Bob are seated at the table.]

Monica : [to Joey] He is so cute. [to Angela and Bob] So, where did you guys grow up?

Angela : Brooklyn Heights.

Bob : Cleveland.

Monica : How, how did that happen?

Joey : Oh my god.

Monica : What?

Joey : I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I’m not.

Commercial Break

Scene : Fancy restaurant.

[Joey and Bob are talking.]

Joey : So, you and Angela, huh?

Bob : Yep. Pretty much.

Joey : You’re a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel.

Bob : Huh, I never really noticed.

Joey : Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it.

Bob : Monica, Monica is great.

Joey : Yeah, but it’s not gonna last. She’s too much for me in bed. Sexually.

Scene : The ladies’ bathroom at the restaurant

[ Monica and Angela are talking.]

Monica : I’ve gotta tell you, Bob is terrific.

Angela : Yeah, isn’t he?

Monica : It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like eight.

Angela : You know what else? He’s unbelievable in bed.

Monica : Wow. My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity.

Angela : Huh. That’s nice.

Scene : Central Perk

[ Phoebe is coaching Chandler on how to break up with Janice.]

Phoebe : Ok, you can do this. It’s just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.

Rachel : Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn’t anything I can’t do.

Ross : That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it’s like the first time I had to make dinner for myself, after Carol left me? [the buzzer on the washer goes off] I’m sorry, that’s all the time we have. Next on Ross…[opens up the washer] Uh-oh.

Ross : All right, all right, it’s just that you left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything’s kinda pink.

Rachel : Oh, everything’s pink.

Ross : Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I’m sorry, please don’t be upset, it could happen to anyone.

Rachel : Except it didn’t. It happened to me. Oh, god, I’m gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father’s right. I can’t live on my own! I can’t even do laundry!

[The woman who had tried to steal the washing machine walks by, and laughs.]

Scene : The fancy restaurant.

[ Angela has her hand in Bob’s shirt, and Monica is very uncomfortable.]

Monica : Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn’t get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I’m just thinking… how inappropriate this is. Um, I’ve got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please?

[Her and Joey walk away from the table.]

Monica : Oh my god.

Joey : What?

Monica : Hello! Were we at the same table? It’s like… cocktails in Appalachia.

Joey : Yeah. I’m thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up.

[ Scene changes to later that night. Monica accidentally spilled her drink on Bob’s shirt and is wiping it off. Joey is making eyes at Angela.]

Monica : I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I did this, but I couldn’t stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story.

[Angela is eating chicken wings and making the weasel-like noise Joey had told Bob about.]

Joey : Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here.

Scene : Central Perk

[ Chandler is still trying to ease things over with Janice, and there are about a dozen empty Espresso cups in front of him. He is extremely wired.]

Chandler : Here’s the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it’s like we’re different. I’m like the bing, bing, bing. You’re like the boom, boom, [Chandler flails his hand out and hits Janice in the eye]… boom.