Today is St. Patrick's Day! Before you go get completely shit faced on green beer, Guinness, and Jameson, there's one thing you need to do: Admit that you don't give a shit about St. Patrick's Day.

St. Paddy's, a one-time religious festival that has turned into a boozing free-for-all, used to be about Irish pride and celebrating the shared heritage of people from the emerald isle. Now it's about a bunch of American mutts wearing green and stupid leprechaun hats getting fucked up beyond believe in the middle of the week.

And that's fine. Get as drunk as you want, but stop using St. Patrick's day as your excuse, but save us the trappings of kissing you because you're (probably not) Irish, because that's not why you're celebrating. Actually, you're not celebrating, you're just looking for an excuse. Tonight, when you go out, instead of wishing people "Happy St. Patrick's Day," just say, "Happy Drunk Thursday," because that's all this is to you.

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St. Patrick's Day isn't the only once-meaningful holiday that's been co-opted by the American liquor industry. There's Cinco de Mayo, when non-Mexicans fill their gobs with margaritas and nachos with the fervor of revolutionary fighters. They probably don't even know the cause for the celebration, just that there will be cheap Coronas at whatever bar they go to.

Mardi Gras, for anyone who doesn't live in New Orleans, has taken on the same significance as these other days. Sure, it was invented as a day to get fucked up beyond belief before fasting for lent, but the only thing those hollering for beads and slopping up hurricanes outside of the Big Easy plan on giving up for 40 straight days is their sobriety. Stop trying to front like you want anything but a good time.

Even more and more Bastille Day celebrations start popping up outside of good ol' Gaul for people who only know France because of the fries and toast. To these people, it's all the same party, except with a theme already built into it.

There's nothing wrong with getting sloppy anytime you want. Hell, we love a good party, but there's nothing more annoying than insincerity. Next time you want to get all your friends together for a guilt-free Thursday night bender like you're back in the Sigma Theta house, go right ahead and do it. You're an adult, no one's going to stop you. Just don't squat on someone else's holiday in order to do it. America has already colonized the world and forced its culture on just about every country in the planet. Give the people of those countries their own days to enjoy without your drunken heathens burping and barfing all over it.

Sorry, people, on St. Patrick's Day, not everyone is a little bit Irish. Today, I'm Irish-and you're just a mess.