Putting Your Spouse First

Allowing the needs of another to take precedence doesn't make you a wimp. It's affirming the supremacy of the marriage over the individual.

"If you treat your husband like a king, he will treat you like a queen." This wise advice from the Talmud is not something we have an easy time putting into practice. We're afraid we'll get stepped on, become doormats, we're concerned our needs won't be met, we don't want to feel like shmattes, we don't want it to be about him.

Which is ironic because that is the key to a successfully marriage (and ultimately to having our own needs tended to) -- to put our partner first. It's not about me. The character trait of humility, this other-centered focus, is crucial to a healthy relationship. This often manifests itself in the seemingly small areas. We're both tired at night. Who gets up to make sure the doors are locked? To check on the baby?

These small things are not so tiny after all. They are the ways we express our caring.

But these small things are not so tiny after all. They are the ways we express our caring, the ways we contribute to the health and strength of the marriage, the way we tell our spouse that they count, their needs count, the way we put them first.

Another aspect of humility is the ability to cede your rights, to give it up and just let it go. So many things we fight about are so unimportant (forget that toilet seat already) and simply not worth it. And yet we let them erode our relationship. Just let it go; make it nonexistent.

The clothes on the floor, the cereal on the counter, the forgotten phone message, the baby's pajamas on backwards -- let it go.

And maybe even some more annoying qualities as well. We can feel that moment of choice, that moment where the frustration is just starting to build and we can either vent it in an unpleasant tirade or we can take a deep breath and move on. It's a choice; let it go and choose the marriage, choose your spouse's needs. Tomorrow you won't even remember what that burning issue was.

Allied with this is the clear recognition that marriage is not a competition and that being right is not the goal. Working together, creating a new unique entity together is. Ego has no place in marriage -- very easy to say and very difficult to live.

It's very hard to really let go, to really not care, to bite back the words as they are agitating to get out. We're not always successful. What's important is that we want to be.

Letting go is a positive affirmation of the supremacy of the marriage over the individual.

There's a mistaken and prevalent notion that we are somehow a wimp if we aren't constantly asserting our rights and needs. On the contrary. It takes real strength of character to step back, to concede, to defer, to allow the needs of another to take precedence. It requires security and clarity not to be threatened by this attitude and to instead take pleasure in the giving.

Letting go is not passivity, it is not opting out. It's a positive affirmation of the supremacy of the marriage over the individual, a clear recognition of priorities and purpose. The Talmud is a statement of reality, of both a Divine promise and natural consequences. If we treat our husbands like a king, he will treat us like a queen. And if we begin by treating our husband like a king, we have already adopted the behavior or royalty.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 31

(27)
Deborah,
December 16, 2014 8:31 AM

What happens when you treat your husband like a king and he keeps putting you second to his adult daughter?

(26)
Bill,
August 19, 2013 12:49 PM

Talmud is Right!

I am a husband who treats his wife with every consideration. I end up picking up her clothes, washing the dishes, vacuuming etc because she will not do it.

It has made her a little better, at times a lot better.

However, when she puts a phone call to a friend over our little time together at the end of the day, when she resents having to pause a video game because I need to chat to her once or twice in a day during the weekend, I realize that some people cannot be pleased. She is contentious, loud, and unfeeling, and, even when I am really depressed she doesn't care.

I believe the Talmud is right which comes as no surprise to me.

Women today are horrible! That is my conclusion observing other marriages. The courts, the sitcoms, the Oprahs ad infinitum all conspire to make this the worst time in history to be men. It may just be American women who have a world reputation for being the worst.

Jess,
December 20, 2013 7:37 PM

This made me so sad to read :-( You are being disrespected...and you are clearly a loving soul. Maybe American woman ARE the worst...who knows...point is, it doesn't matter. The one u have is no good for u. Find the right one. Don't settle. Good luck

(25)
Anonymous,
August 2, 2013 6:35 PM

what if u treat him like his your whole world and he destroys it.

I have been treating my husband like his my world and king. I have taken his part over my kids. And all that's done is make him more arrogant, more ungrateful. Hurting me more all the time. When will it stop.

(24)
no name,
September 21, 2011 1:07 PM

I think that your advice stinks. Marriage is a two way street. It is about the individuals. It is about treating each other with love and caring and respect. Letting everything go only causes resentment later. The key to a good relationship is mutual respect and mutual cooperation. Buring all under carpets only gives the illusion of a good relationship. Working together so each party gets their needs fullfilled is what is real.

Ela,
December 18, 2011 6:49 AM

I agree!

I totally agree with you!

(23)
Anonymous,
February 6, 2011 7:11 PM

This usually works in the opposite way. If a man treats a woman right, she returns the favor multiplied by 10. If a man is a taker, it does not matter how much you give, he asks for more.

Anonymous,
March 1, 2013 7:52 AM

Agreed

Speaking from a woman who is dating a taker, I could give him my soul, and it wouldn't be enough. He misses the "old me," but the "old me" was the me he got when he gave just a little in the beginning of the relationship. How sad.

(22)
Lu,
January 21, 2009 6:12 AM

Both partners mus bring their side

I experience it in my marriage of 5yrs and 2kids born out of it. We stopped going out for dinners and we have not been on holiday or away for a weekend ever after we got married. I always put a nice note with my husbands lunch box but it want appreciated. I tried to be the best loving caring wife only to get nothing in return. Im not being surprised with flowers or a romantic dinner, i am always the one who gives and gives and gives and believe me i do get tired.

(21)
sori,
November 17, 2008 8:07 PM

Putting him as a king doesn't mean making yourself into nothing or ignoring your own wants. It just means showing honor and respect. Those who wrote about being superwoman and doing everything- that is not what your husband needs- he needs to know that you respect him- in the way you act and speak- and this will lead to the resulting"queen"

Marie,
March 23, 2013 7:27 PM

I agree. As for the comment of sweeping everything under the rug, I think you misunderstood the article. The suggestion is to not react to every little disappointment or annoying thing you spouse does. These reactions Also cause resentments. Communication on a healthy level can get your needs and wants met, and those conversations are best had when you and your spouse are not arguing over little things.

(20)
Dodi,
October 9, 2008 9:59 AM

A Must for Every Married Couple!

This really do wonders for my marriage life. If my husband and I were in the middle of a fight, I let go my ego and past brattiness and simply let go and breath. Afterwards, I will give him a hug and he will kiss me back and that's an ultimate exqusite feeling. I will never EVER LET my ego be on my marriage coz its not really worth it after all. My husband is all precious too for me and just by being there beside me its worthy enough.

(19)
Lisa,
September 15, 2008 11:25 PM

Give him an inch, he will take a mile

10 years of marriage has taught me that if I treat my husband like a king, then I will be exhausted and treated like his servant. He will notice what I do for him, but only when I DON'T do it, and you can bet he will let me know. When I put my husband first, there is no one looking out for me, and then I am last. And very tired.

(18)
Daniela,
September 15, 2008 12:53 PM

The Truth

**We teach people how to treat us**. Plain and simple. How that applies in any particular relationship depends on how you implement this truth, and whether or not one's eyes are open to the truth of the person and who they are and one's self.

(17)
Deb,
September 15, 2008 7:13 AM

agree with susane

im only married 5 years. the last 3 years i have perfected the art of "letting it go" and have achieved nothing except being taken for granted. i became a real superwoman- perfectly run house, polite happy good kids, im thinner than ever and organised down to a T- and in his eyes im slowly fading into the wall.

(16)
SusanE,
September 13, 2008 2:15 PM

Another Way to Look at Putting Your Spouse First

"The clothes on the floor, the cereal on the counter, the forgotten phone message, the baby's pajamas on backwards -- let it go." ...The author states that these things are trivial. The loving wife should concede that these things aren't worth disrupting the harmony of the marriage, and she should place her spouse above these trivial needs of her own.
Emuna, With respect, I always try to see things from either point of view. The womans view of the Talmud advice could be that, the man shouldn't mind so much and 'let it go' if their clean laundry is in an unfolded pile on the bed. When his wife forgets occassionally to write his messages down. If the toilet seat isn't cleaned daily, if there are bits of last nights supper still on the table at breakfast, and let it go if his children aren't well dressed. After all, these things are just trivial. He really shouldn't mind, especially when he can see from the above article that his spouses needs and the harmony of the marriage should take precedence. 'Treat your wife like a Queen and she will treat you like a King'.
" It takes real strength of character to step back, to concede, to defer, to allow the needs of another to take precedence". I agree.
Women should allow their husbands to develop that strength of character, and allow them to defer and consider how he can keep harmony in their home........................................
Emuna, I certainly wasn't a doormat, and certainly not a 'feminist'. I dislike competition even in high-school sports or board games, let alone in marriage. I see competition between husbands and wives much of the time. I was a wife and mother. I had dinner on the table at 5 each evening, the kids were well dressed and well loved, my home was tidy and nicely-appointed. I joined my husband in all the activities he liked and participated in. I helped him in his businesses. I did these things from my own free will. I also had my own interests and friends and hobbys. I began my own small business once the children had left home.
After 35 years of seeing to his needs and letting things go and defering to his wishes, I realized that my part in the marriage could have been performed by a paid housekeeper, paid cook and paid escort. The marriage was one sided and my mistake was not respecting my wants and needs. He wasn't an abusive man, or a stingy man, he was generous with money. I just never got to be the Queen.

(15)
Joe,
September 12, 2008 12:25 PM

To Michael

May Hashem bless and comfort you.

(14)
Judith,
September 10, 2008 7:28 PM

the source

A midrash (source not known) is cited in the famous sefer, Menoras Ha'Maor, section "To Marry a Wife," part four, chapter two. "The sages said in a midrash that one wise woman directed her daughter when she was about to marry, saying to her, 'My daughter, stand before your husband like before a king and serve him. If you will be like a maid to him, he will be like a slave to you and he will honor you like his master. And if you will make yourself big upon him, he will be like a master over you against your will, and you will be, in his eyes, cheap like one of the maidservants.'"

(13)
Eytan,
September 10, 2008 2:32 PM

"Be Selfish" and always give your spouse without counting...

You will be the one gaining the most out of it and have a beautiful marriage.

(12)
Leora,
September 9, 2008 7:11 PM

echoing other comments

I just wanted to add my voice to those raising problems with this article. It seems like in good marriages people instinctively know to put their spouse first, or at least feel bad when they fail to, and try harder the next time. And in crummy marriages, one person tries this, or some other, strategy to bring warmth and cooperation into a marriage with a difficult partner-- and gets dumped on anyway. Obviously - this only works if both are doing it... and it's by no means the case that the uncooperative spouse will respond in kind eventually. Some people just have really, really low standards for themselves, or it's a mismatch, etc.

(11)
Michal Evenari,
September 9, 2008 2:56 PM

The Talmud is right.

From the first sentence to the last I agreed with your article, Emuna.
I have been blessed with a marriage, where for 38 years we were "King" and "Queen". I heard it once said by a man from India: "In a happy marriage the happiness of your partner must be a part of your own happiness." That is exactly the same, only said with other words. That Hashem took my loved one from me, I could not grasp. Only 1 and a half year later I was able to accept it and call Hashem "Dayan ha emet". -
But then I heard a great Rav say: "Its worth the pain to experience the love." He is totally right. Thank you for writing so wonderful things!

(10)
bernie siegel, md,
September 9, 2008 4:02 AM

marriage is an ordeal

joseph campbell called marriage and ordeal and my wife calls it a struggle. because it is about the realtionship and not individual desires so 1, 1 equals 3. the two create a third entity and as long as they act out of love and respopnsibility it will be a success. However, if it the relationship threatens your health and life then love from a distance. I'll ake this marriage work if it kills me is not appropriate.

(9)
Anonymous,
September 9, 2008 1:01 AM

prayer

Suzanne: Rabbi Pincus has a tape where he discusses the power of prayer for a spouse. You can pray that your husband should know how to integrate more spirituality into his life. Constant and sincere prayers are answered, and G-d will then open doors for your husband to grow. Prayer is more powerful than nagging: it doesn't have the side affects and achieves its goal through an Agent more powerful than any other!

(8)
Anonymous,
September 8, 2008 1:13 PM

advice to Suzanne

I've been dealing with this dilemma myself - how to encourage my husband's spiritual growth (especially Torah learning). The advice I was given by our Rav was that you shouldn't raise the issue directly, but rather be patient. Until I internalized this, I was very distressed a lot because I felt I couldn't do anything and was lacking. So, what CAN you do? The best thing to do (when it's not emotionally charged) is to let your husband know how happy it makes you when he does learn or makes 3 minyans a day, for instance. I don't know if this advice applies to all circumstances or individuals, but I thought it was worth sharing. Of course, the best thing you can do is ask your rabbi for what's right for your family. Good luck to you!

(7)
Suzanne,
September 8, 2008 8:19 AM

Then what . . . ?

This is great advice and I feel that I am following it but it falls short. Every time I ask someone how I can encourage my husband without falling into nagging they assume it's things like the particulars mentioned in the article but what about major stuff, like encouraging your husband to study Torah or pray more (or at all).
I want to build him up to encourage him to deeper spirituality but the only advice I seem to hear is about overlooking insignificant differences which I already do.
I'm getting very tired and feel very alone. Somebody somewhere has to know something about encouraging your husband's spirituality.

(6)
shells,
September 8, 2008 4:20 AM

thank YOU

now THIS I share with the World! for when G-d created Man in His image did He not give us Women a copy of Himself to look after us unconditionally and for us to mirror the 'one' from whom we were built? .... to help 'our' Man.... not to take over His position? for ultimately I have always wanted to be able to look up to a Man to look after me and my children AND keep the romance alive... and that kind of love can only happen with respect, trust and unconditional love... thanks again... I pray many read and understand what you have written and shared with us. shalom your Shells x

(5)
Cristie,
September 7, 2008 6:08 PM

Truth works when you work the truth!

Excellent article and very true as I have learned from personal experience over the course of my own 14 year marriage. If we lack the humility to just "let go" of everything we want to make issue of, we just need to ask G-d for His help and then practice! Thanks for a great article - I'm going to pass it around.

(4)
Anonymous,
September 7, 2008 10:56 AM

I don't agree - marriage is all about compromise.

I don't agree with this article. Unfortunately, if we treat our husbands like kings they become arrogant, controlling and critical. They won't appreciate us for it. My ex-husband never, ever treated me like a queen, no matter how nice I was to him. I think marriage has to be a partnership between equal adults who treat each other with respect but most of all with honesty.

(3)
Anonymous,
September 7, 2008 10:26 AM

Good article. My comment is: this needs to work both ways--it is not just the woman's role to put her spouse first. "If you treat your wife like a Queen, she will treat you like a King".
Shalom

(2)
Anonymous,
September 7, 2008 10:05 AM

King, Queen, status? To be other oriented is humility and if both husband and wife share this attribute, then both feel their needs are being met and the marriage is strong and healthy. After we establish what our need is then the next step is to ask our spouse, what is their need. The purpose of a relationship is to help the other person locate their strenghs, to appreciate their uniqunesses and to find ways to exempfly them within the marriage. Becareful, that this needs to prove that to the other that they are most important, does not come at the expense of losing yourself, because then the marriage also loses.

(1)
charlie,
September 7, 2008 8:49 AM

does this go both ways?

What happens if you are doing all the ''putting first'' and your partner seems to want to have things ''her'' way and admiting it?

I always loved the story of Jonah and the whale. Why do we read it during the afternoon service of Yom Kippur?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Let's recap the story: God tells Jonah to go to Ninveh and to prophesy that in 40 days, God will destroy the city. Instead, Jonah goes to Jaffa, boards a ship, and sails for Tarshish. A great storm arises. Frightened, Jonah goes to sleep in the ship's hold. The sailors somehow recognize that Jonah is responsible for the storm. They throw him overboard, and the sea becomes calm.

A great fish swallows Jonah. Then three days later, God commands the fish to spit Jonah back out upon dry land. God tells Jonah, "Let's try it again. Go to Ninveh and tell them in 40 days I will destroy the city."

The story is a metaphor for our struggle for clarity. Jonah is the soul. The soul is assigned to sanctify the world, and draw it close to God. But we are seduced by the world's beauty. (Jaffa in Hebrew means "beauty.") The ship is the body, the sea is the world, and the storm is life's pains and troubles. God hopes confrontation with mortality will inspire us to examine our lives. But Jonah's is the more common response - we go to sleep (have a beer, turn on the television). The sailors throw Jonah overboard - this is death. The fish that swallows Jonah is the grave. Jonah is spat back upon the land - reincarnation. And the Almighty tells us to try again. "Go sanctify the world and bring it close to God."

Each of us is born with an opportunity and a challenge. We each have unique gifts to offer the world and unique challenges to perfect ourselves. If we leave the task unfinished the first time, we get a second chance. Jonah teaches us that repentance can reverse a harsh decree. If the residents of Ninveh had the ability to correct their mistakes and do teshuva, how much more so do we have the ability to correct our former mistakes and do teshuva.

(source: "The Bible for the Clueless But Curious," by Rabbi Nachum Braverman)

In 1948, Egypt launched a large-scale offensive against the Negev region of Israel. This was part of the War of Independence, an attack by five Arab armies designed to "drive the Jews into the sea." Though the Jews were under-armed, untrained, and few in number, through ingenuity and perseverance they staved off the attacks and secured the borders. Yet the price was high -- Israel lost 6,373 of its people, a full one percent of the Jewish population of Israel at the time.

And what does teshuvah consist of? [Repentance to the degree] that the One Who knows all that is hidden will testify that he will never again repeat this sin(Maimonides, Laws of Teshuvah 2:2).

"How can this be?" ask the commentaries. "Inasmuch as man always has free choice to do good or evil, to sin or not to sin, how can God testify that a person will never repeat a particular sin? Is this not a repudiation of one's free will?"

The answer to this came to me at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, at which the speaker, a man who had been sober for twenty-one years, said, "The man I was drank. The man I was will drink again. But now I am a different man."

A sin does not occur in a vacuum. A person who is devout does not abruptly decide to eat treifah. A sin occurs when a person is in such a state that a particular act is not anathema to him.

Consequently, repentance is not complete if one merely regrets having done wrong. One must ask, "How did this sin ever come about? In what kind of a state was I that permitted me to commit this sin?"

True repentance thus consists of changing one's character to the point where, as the person is now, one can no longer even consider doing the forbidden act. Of course, the person's character may deteriorate - and if it does, he may sin again.

God does not testify that the person will never repeat the sin, but rather that his degree of repentance and correction of his character defects are such that, as long as he maintains his new status, he will not commit that sin.

Today I shall...

try to understand how I came to do those things that I regret having done, and bring myself to a state where such acts will be alien to me.

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