South Park: The Stick of Truth

What did Trey Parker say on the subject of Stick of Truth DLC? Eff that, that’s what (sure, playstationlifestyle brought us this bombshell almost a year ago, and it’s right the hell out of context, but we won’t be pernickety there). So he must have been out taking a dump or something when this happened.

Behold, the Super Samurai Spaceman Pack! Which… isn’t the ball-bustingly exciting slice of badass the name implies. It’s just a selection of spangly new costumes. Consisting of, as you’ve surely surmised, a superhero, samurai and spaceman outfit. Still, it’s not just a cosmetic change. Each of these bestow a different combat boost: emergency shields for the space-dude, an insta-buff for the superhero and bonuses for your performance in battle for the samurai.

If two of your Earth dollars sounds like a fair investment for that, then have at it. Later offerings will include the Super Ultimate Pack and the Ultimate Fellowship Pack, erstwhile pre-order exclusives which just became a whole lot less exclusive. There’s more to follow, and it’ll be hitting Xbox 360 first.

We’re not sure how to break this to you, but here goes: there’s some distinctly questionable stuff in South Park: The Stick of Truth. Just when you thought they’d cleaned up their act and desisted with the dick jokes, and/or scenes featuring Saddam Hussein taking it up the ass from Satan (thanks for that image, Bigger, Longer and Uncut).

Except nobody thought that, ever, because the day that happens is the day that South Park dies. As such, on the subject of appendages going where appendages don’t belong, take a look above. As we saw last week, Matt and Trey have prepared a little snark for the European and Australian console editions of the game, a screen shown during certain censored scenes. These ones, to be precise. Here’s IGN’s collection of the Stick of Truth moments too offensive for our Euro-buddies to see.

Now, we can’t remember the last time a game commanded us to hit the A button to clench our sphincter. Or commended us for having incredible control of our assholes. Still, if we’re ever kidnapped by aliens and plugged into one of their nefarious butt-probing machines, we’ll know what to do. And we’ll thank The Stick of Truth then. But until that day, we’re just weirded out.

Firstly, fear not, our North American Ego-readers. We will be privy to Stan’s dad getting a damn good anal probing, just as our forefathers intended. Our friends in other regions, though, won’t be so lucky.

Or they will, depending on how you feel about seeing fictional cartoon man-ass.

South Park, as we know, isn’t the most subtle or politically correct of shows. It will make its sweartastically offensive jokes, and it will give no effs if they aren’t appreciated. Inevitably, then, there will be casualties to the Big Ol’ Hammer of Censoring. But not particularly widespread ones, in the case of The Stick of Truth.

As IGN reports, this is limited to European, African and Middle Eastern console editions of the game. Upon reaching a certain point, a static ‘censored’ screen will appear, describing the depravity at hand and kicking players in the nuts because they can’t see it. Those poor bastards will never get to witness Randy’s butt probed ‘with violent force,’ which is quite the outrage.

Most entertainingly, the Australian release has the anal probing scene replaced by a text box and “a still image of a koala crying.”

South Park: The Stick of Truth is imminent now. In just two Earth weeks, we’ll be knee-deep in dick jokes, assorted racial slurs and general depravity. Because, y’know, it’s South Park, and they can say whatever the hell they want.

Here’s a great way to prepare for March 4: a heaping helping of new gameplay footage. Behold the game’s opening, which takes us from New Kid’s family moving into South Park to his initiation with Cartman the wizard king. We accelerate from ‘use the analog stick to move around’ to pitched battles with Jew Elves at an alarming rate.

The Stick of Truth is an odd case. On the one hand, it’s showing off some reasonable RPG chops; what with its weapon customization and surprisingly in-depth battle system and all. On the other, one of its achievements/trophies is awarded for ‘shitting your pants during a boss battle,’ and whatever you name your character, Cartman insists that you entered Douchebag.

In short, it’s shaping up to be the… game-iest South Park game yet, and we can’t wait to get our Stick of Truth on.

Well, well. South Park: The Stick of Truth seems to be serious about its umpteenth release date (for now), so March 4 it will apparently be.

Which means, as those who know their calendar-based shit will tell you, it’s over a month until we can get our South Park on. How will we make it through February without being able to equip tufts of magical pubic hair to spears? Or dispatch hordes of angry Elvish warriors with our asses? HOW?

Another reminder of just how badass this will eventually be may help. Gather round, gentlemen, and bask in the pearls of wisdom dispensed by Trey Parker and Matt Stone above. Wisdom such as:“It was really important that you didn’t just press a button to fart, but that it was analog. You need to, like, feel it go out of your asshole.”

Now that’s a creative process we could stand to hear more about. Check out more on the making of the game above.

In case you missed the memo, South Park: The Stick of Truth actually has a release date. Again. March 7 is that fateful day (barring another damn delay), when we can at last partake in some non-craptacular South Park gaming. Just like our forefathers intended.

Now, The Stick of Truth is an RPG, and you know what that means. It means big ol’ magic attacks, cast with crazy-ass light show effects rivaling a drunken Fourth of July fireworks display. But it’s also a South Park RPG. That means farting in faces, a heaping helping of cuss words and Cartman being the lovable dick he is.

Combine all these traits, and you get the above clip. ‘Cupping a Spell,’ the game’s latest trailer, courtesy of IGN. Behold, as Grand Wizard Eric instructs us in the ancient ways of arcane magic: farting in your hand and throwing it into the faces of your foes.

Flatulence, as we know, is the mark of a true hero. But remember, these abilities must be used wisely in battle, and never on a man’s balls. Apparently.

Which will come first, the Sun’s eventual fire-tacular death (in the year 5 billion or so) or South Park: the Stick of Truth’s release? It’s impossible to say, but eager players would be advised to start stockpiling pretty darn powerful sunblock.

The game has been languishing in a Bermuda Triangle of delays for some time, and received a revised arrival date of December 10 late last month. Supposedly, they meant December 10 2013, but that could just be our famous optimism talking. The glass is always half full, gentlemen. Half full of beer.

If there’s a silver lining to be had, it’s that this have provided ample opportunity for crazy-ass trailers. Just to remind us that this is coming, and it’s going to kick all kinds of ass when it does. Today’s clip features movie trailer mockery, Mr. Hankey making a turd tidal wave and… far too much of Stan’s dad’s butt.