The trouble with being a fixer

I’m a forthright person who calls it like it is (or at least how I think it is – very important point there… ahem), so I can sometimes run into a spot of bother. See, when you’re used to being open and people respect you for that openness, your filter isn’t called on all that often. It gets rusty and often doesn’t work very well.

The elephant in the room is not something I’ve ever been able to quietly ignore. So I’m either going to walk up to the elephant and slap it on the ass, or I’m going to walk out of the room and not return until the elephant is gone. “Should I say this?” I wonder. “And if I don’t say it, what would I ever say instead?” If I don’t say it, I often can’t say anything at all. There’s not a lot of in-between for someone like me.

You can imagine how many awkward conversations I’ve had over the years.

So many, many excruciating moments.

The thing is, so far it’s always been okay in the end. You can’t tell me you have a problem and expect me just to give you a kind word and a hug (although I will do both of those things, lots). Nope. If you tell me your problem, I’m going to want to fix it for you. I’m going to sit you down and pull it all out and help you unravel it and I won’t let you leave until we’ve worked out an action plan for you.

Of course, if you don’t want me to do any of those things, you can still tell me your problem. You just have to start by saying, “I’m going to tell you this, but I’m telling my friend, not Ms Fix It, okay?” Then I’ll back off. Promise. I’m a fixer, not a meddler.

The biggest problem with being a fixer, is that I’m not a very needy person. I tend to fix my own problems just as much as I try to fix others. It’s rare for me to come to a friend needing advice or help. I imagine that it’s hard to be a friend to someone like me, it must feel very one-sided at times. We all need to feel needed.

I know I must also be a rather daunting mother at times – always impatient to fix things. Probably things that don’t even need fixing. So I try to remember to back off and let life sit for a while with my kids. Allow them the space to work out whether something is a problem or not; because nine times out of ten when you rush a problem you make it bigger. I hope I am raising fellow fixers (because it’s a nice way to be), but I also hope I am raising sitters too.

Comments

Oh good lordy I am a fixer!! I know it drives people nuts but I just can’t stop. It annoys me, too, when my mum (who taught me all I know) tries to fix all my stuff.

There is something going on currently that I so strongly want to fix, but am not sufficiently close to the person to leap in. But I want to fix it. But I probably can’t fix it. And my love and bestie tell me not to try. But I want to. I am sitting on my hands. It is not easy.

Right now I have a fixer daughter and son who doesn’t like being fixed. Ha.

It is a great way to be. Not one to wallow, but one to get on with making the changes needed. Keep it up!

Thanks for the cheer up, Eliza. I am also going through a ‘do I say, do I not say’ moment with a friend… so I totally get it. I am actually having to fight the urge to pull away rather than NOT say anything. You know the dilemma…

Queen fixer. I think it was breed into me being the eldest of 6 & having the kind of upbringing I had. For many, many years I thought I’d always be a fixer but slowly I’ve learnt not every problem is mine to fix. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to fix it but I am getting better at not thinking I HAVE to fix it.

I’m a reformed fixer. After feeling burnt too many times, I rarely fix now. I found for me, I was attracting the kind of people looking for someone like me amd then taking advantage of it. I genuinely love to help, just measure that now. Xx

I’m a reformed fixer. I realised that I wanted to dud because it made me feel better/wanted/needed. It wasn’t about the fixee at all. I remain a work-in-Progress became I still “see” what needed fixing! But, I’m feeling I can be more restrained these days .. at the senior end of my years.