I also have a difficult time grasping the concept of the little kid inside of me. Like you, I hid my abuse for 40+ years and was unable to make friends or be close to anyone other than my wife. There were periods of time when even we weren't even close.

In my mind, the little Dan in me ceased to exist after the abuse. My childhood ended and I was forced into another world where I isolated myself and withdrew from those around me. I have little or no recollection of the years prior to the abuse or following it.

So, to answer your question, I think you need to honor him and mourn him. He was someone who you knew long ago and has left to live in a better place. I personally don't think you can ever connect with that kid inside. We are the walking remains of his existence. Be kind and caring to your children and your grand children. Love them and hold them as you would Little Jeff. Let Jeff live through your life and the lives of your family.

I am sure this probably doesn't make any sense, but I think you have to believe that a part of Little Jeff is in each of your family members. Don't be afraid of them, you aren't toxic to them and they need you.

HI Jeff, (he says as he wipes a tear out his eye)I remember you, the you that first came on to this site, remember, you denied point blank that you had been abused. I remember having long mail arguments with you about this. I remember when you said "OK it was abuse" and now I read this and feel almost like a proud dady would at the progress that you have made. It might not feel like progress to you now, but always remember that it is.

I also struggled with the inner child thing and felt that people were just reciting some psycho mambo jumbo. Then one day I remembered a photo of me as a child, cute little boy with blonde curls and blue eyes. I asked my dad if he still had it and when I got it I started to cry. I cried for the fact that I could have been a really confident healthy adult, handsome and self assured. I cried for the innocence lost for that little boy. I cried that he had been hurt and I cried that he was now lost to me.

But then as time went on I started to remember small bits of info, times that I was playing with my only childhood friends, 2 of them, and how we used to run around the neighborhood.

Jeff, it takes one small memory to open the flood gates, well trickle gates in my situation, when small trickles of happiness come through, and this is when we find our inner child, the innocence lost, and the pretty kid that we could have been.

Don't stress about it and keep working as hard as you have been thus far. I see great changes in you. Well done mate.

Just one more thing, I don't know if you have ever been to the AA meetings and if you can get a AA big Book and read pages 72 and 73. There they talk about getting into a group and telling someone EVERYTHING. As long as you keep some of your past a secret it will haunt you. Its tough, but the rewards are tremendous, and it is NEVER to late to change.

Heal WellMartin

_________________________Matrix Men South Africa Survivors Supporting Each otherMatrix Men Blog

Like you all – Jeff, Dan, Martin - I never could relate to the inner child concept either – and didn't really see the need to. I felt like that identity was so far in the past and so damaged that I had no connection with it (not even “him” – it was an abstract idea.) I could imagine what I had looked like before the abuse started – but did not remember much about feelings “before.” There were some visual images and memories of events but no emotional content. The first real emotions I remembered were negative, painful ones after the abuse started. So I didn’t know who or what I was supposed to connect with – the presumably happy child who was under 6 and didn’t know what was about to happen – or the miserable boy who was plunged into terror and pain at about 6 and continued to suffer until he disconnected his emotions at 11 and became one of the walking dead. The over-11 zombie boy was so close to my current state that there didn’t seem to be any difference between us – so “he” was out – he was me.

The breakthrough I finally got was by using my imagination – asking – what do I wish someone had told that 6-year-old when the abuse and confusion started to engulf him? What would have helped him to get through the next 12 years, better equipped to endure, survive, and later – to heal? It was really more of an attempt to consolidate what i had gained than an attempt to connect with an inner child. So I wrote my younger self a letter – as if it was to a stranger – with all the things I had learned that might have helped him. And before I finished, I was feeling compassion, grief, and a fierce protectiveness towards him. It was a powerful experience. He became real to me and now I can understand a lot more about him – and about the present me.

He and I are still not the best of friends. We don't hang out or go on walks or have conversations. There is a lot of distance between us. He likes to hide and sometime surprises me by popping into my mind when I don’t expect it. But we are at peace now. I don’t blame him for anything anymore. He couldn’t help what happened. I’d have been there for him if I could have been. My biggest regret is that we were strangers for so long.

(and that last paragraph is much more concrete than what I actually feel. it is a metaphor. What I actually feel is not nearly that definite – but more vague – but that is the general sense of it.)

Lee

Edited by traveler (10/24/1202:28 AM)

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"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

When I think about your story, the "boiling frog" analogy comes to mind, although I think, scientifically, the concept is a myth. That is, if one puts a frog in a pan of water and slowly increases the heat, the frog won't know it's in trouble until it's boiling.

Your sfather was a master at grooming you, slowly starting you so that by the time you were in over your head, you thought (and still think) that you were responsible for getting yourself into that situation, when that is simply not true.

I have an inner boy frozen inside of me. He is the one that tells me to act out to re-create my abuse. When he is getting what he wants, I become pre-verbal, obedient and compliant.

The fact that you do not is interesting... and might speak to the way in which your sfather groomed you so that you didn't dissociate during the sexual initiation with him, so your primary self-state was still the self-state getting used when the johns and movie producers were using you. -- just a theory.

Cant

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But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found no spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.

I just happen to be a lucky boy/man, as I have connected to my inner child.

I will give some references on our inner child,that if you have the listed guide books perhaps it'll give you all some help. I would give the written paragraphs here, but I'm not sure if that is legal taking notes from their books.

But the books might be available at your local library.So here is for now what i can offer in helping.

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