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From Porn-Sweetheart to Sweet Sadist: My journey into BDSM

I just booked into attend my first professional dominatrix and fetish workshops, with the internationally renowned Satomi, the Tokyo Love Doll. “Bound in Femininity – Expressing your feminine dominance through rope”, and “Shibari 101, an introduction to Japanese rope bondage”. Fuck Yeah!

I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to let loose and get into touch with my sinister sexual side, and this is going to be great! Topping, power play, bondage and fetishism in general is always something that’s fascinated me but never felt “me”: until now.

In the past, I’d never considered myself to fit the stereotype of dominatrix.

She is the mean and glowering Victoria’s secret-esque, 10 foot tall goddess; tight laced corset and Laboutin stilettoes. The glamorous sadist, effortless in her confidence, her stance, her skills. She knows what she wants, and she always gets it. Men and women fall at her feet, and are nervous to meet her gaze, her mere presence enough to inspire thoughts of submission and sexual subservience.

I however, am cliché Ms Clumsy. Ms Sleeping through alarms and spending the day in my vintage lingerie jammies, watching Netflix and drinking coffee before a night of video editing and Skyrim. Ms Stutters so badly when meeting her favourite sci-fi actresses, that gibberish comes out of her mouth instead of words. Ms “I love sparkle BDSM MAGIC! I WANT ROPES IN EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW, fuck all that black doom and gloom!”. Ms Super Laid Back: happy to fuck, happy to fight, happy to fist, roleplay, dress up, dress down, top, bottom, cuddle or coddle; and never sure which she wants more!

The image of the self-assured, graceful, imposing, meanie with a mission just doesn’t suit me, and I’m not really one for personas. I want to be true to myself in and outside the bedroom, whether it’s on film or not.

If you’ve ever spend time with me, you may have noticed I have a rather cheeky, mean streak. Power games, teasing, tickling, wrestling, and my apparently cartoonish villain laugh during board game winning streaks. I’ve day dreamed about being a film noir villain, seducing the hero into a scandalous situation fit for a blackmail fantasy. When I was a PA, I used to make my boss his coffee wrong EVERY day. I’d move his printed out documents to other printers, and slightly rearrange his desk all so he thought he was going crazy, as a revenge for him being a sexist pig. I unconsciously play power games with my lovers. I don’t wrestle ‘like a girl’ (whatever sexist nonsense that’s supposed to mean!). When I play, I play hard and I play to win.

I always blew this off as just ‘having some meaningless fun’ or ‘blowing off steam’. It was just me being competitive, or having a one off fantasy that meant nothing. It was just a confidence bluff to throw people off the boardgame we where playing, or get someone to do something I wanted. Everything I did I considered isolated incidents, completely unconnected, until someone pointed out the pattern to me. It started me thinking.

Being known for costume and role-play in porn and regular life, I often get asked to assume different roles when working on a porn set. In mid-2014 I did a shoot with the adorably sexy Miley White, another Australian Pornstar. (Watch the Video: NaughtyNerdy.com) We’d worked together before. Our very first sex scene together was me as a domineering school principal, disciplining her as my student from violating the dress code by wearing a slutty mini and thong to school. There was a bit of spanking, hair pulling, tits smothering and face sitting. A regular day of fun sex for me.

During this shoot however, Miley asked me to do something I’d never done before. “I want you to fist me!” She said, excited. She wanted me to help her indulge in a blackmail s/m fantasy, manipulating, spanking, fisting and fucking her on film. “I’ve always wanted to do it, and you have the perfect size hands, and I know you’ll be perfect for this role!” Well, the first part is true, but the second one about me being perfect I wasn’t so sure about. I was nervous. I had never really “topped” before in my mind. I was worried I wouldn’t know what to do. What a funny concern that turned out to be!

It was one of the most fun experiences I’ve ever had, and it all came to me as naturally and enjoyably as if I was born to do it! That was the day I realized that maybe I didn’t fit the stereotype of a traditional dominatrix, but that clearly this was something I not only enjoyed but was good at. And I wasn’t the only one who could see it!

Some of my most popular videos on my site are me being more in control, point of view humiliation and tease, or more femdom-ish JOI (jerk off instruction), such as my VERY popular “Bitchy School Girl” roleplay persona, who I will be totally filming HEAPS more of FYI!

Thinking back, I realized I’d actually gotten a lot of requests for me to top/dom in scenes for xxx porn, and just in general. In fact, I’d say it was the majority of requests I’d received! Lots my partners just coincidentally happened to be submissive types too. But requests for me to be a dominatrix, or a top, or whatever you want to call it were just never phrased in such blatant language that I saw them as requests to top. For someone who likes to avoid stereotyping others, how funny that I’d stereotyped myself based on clichés of what BDSM and “dominant” mean.

I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner. Apparently, everyone but me could see it! I’m so excited to finally be aware enough to explore this part of my sexuality and self.

I’ll be posting more about the workshops and my beginning into femdom as things happen! Keep your little peepers peeled my dears, this is going to be a very fun ride.