If this is your first visit, be sure to
check out the FAQ by clicking the
link above. You will have to register
before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages,
select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

NOTICE: Threads and Posts concerning or involving politics, religion, and postings concerning volatile topics such as climate change or environmentalism are not allowed on this, or any other, portion of the SDC Forums. Such posts will be immediately deleted.

This highway patrolman pulled this little old lady over for speeding, he said you know you were speeding? she said I know, he said let me see your license, she said I don't have one, ok give me you insurance papers, she said I can't , why he asked , because I don't own the car, you don't own the car? well who does? I don't know her name because I killed her and cut her up into little pieces and put her in the trunk, the officer backs away and says just sit right there and calls for help, 5 cars show up one binging a Sargent, he goes to the car and says to the little lady , my officer said you didn't have a license or insurance, she says that is ridicules here they are and hands them to him, he then said my officer also said you killed the owner and cut her up and put he in the trunk? she gets out of the car and opens the trunk and it is super clean with nothing in the trunk , the Sargent doesn't know what to say when the little old lady speaks up and says I bet that SOB told you I was speeding to???[

A young man joins the marine corps. He hasn't been in boot camp very long when his mother dies. The company commander gets the crusty old drill sargent in his office and tells him that jones mother just passed away. Don't worry I'll take care of it. The drill sargent goes out and yells' Everybody "fall in" Jones your mothers dead, "Fall out". Not very long his father dies. The co. commander calls the drill Sargent in and tell him Jone's father just died. You didn't use a lot of tact last time be a little easier on him. Don't worry I'll handle it. Drill Sargent goes out and yells, every body " Fall In" Everybody that has a living father take one pace forward. "NOT SO FAST THERE JONES!

A lonely man decides to buy a pet to keep him company. He goes to the pet store expecting to buy a dog, but the owner of the store convinces him that a parrot would be better company because it can talk.
Before he leaves the pet store the owner warns the man that the parrot will begin to stutter if his beak is not filed down from time to time. He also warns him not to file off too much because the parrot will drown when he gets a drink of water.
The man goes home and his neighbor sees him with the parrot and tells him about the need to file the parrots beak. The neighbor also warns him not to file off too much or the bird will drown.
The clerk at the hardware store where he goes to buy a file and a person he meets on the street echo what the pet store owner said about being careful not to file too much. The man becomes very irritated that so many people tell him the same thing, but he knows they mean well.
A few days later, the neighbor sees the man leaving the house and he inquires about how the parrot is doing. The man hangs his head and tells the neighbor that the parrot is dead. The neighbor replies that it is a shame, but he did warn him that the bird would drown if too much was filed off the beak.
The man looks up and says "I don't think he drowned. I think he was dead when I took him out of the vise." [:0]

1952 Champion Starlight, 1962 Daytona, both w/overdrive.Searcy,Arkansas
"I may be lazy, but I'm not shiftless."

Heres a few short ones
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden
name?'

---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband..
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all
in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

This is where we find out if Aussie humour (you'll notice humour is spelt correctly), is the same as American humour.

Three female friends, one married, one engaged, and one single, are out for their usual Friday, after work drinks. After a while, and a few drinks, the talk turns to 'how to spice up their sex lives'. After much debate they all agree to try some 'role play, with sexy outfits'. The next Friday comes around, and all three are eager to tell their story.

The single lady says she turned up at here boyfriend's place of work, after everyone else had gone home. Dressed in stilletos, lingerie, heels and a leahter corset, under a trench coat - well they made love right there on his desk...it was fantastic. she said. The engage lady said she met her fiance at the door wearing the same, stilletos, heels and a leather corset....made passionate love on the hall floor, and he wants to bring the wedding forward, fantastic!

The married lady - had sent the kids to grandma's for the night, lit scented candles all over the house, put on soft music, was preparing a beautiful dinner, when hubby arrived home. She met him at the door dressed in heels, lingerie, a leather corset and to top it all, a mask. Hubby came in, kissed her cheek, went into the lounge room, sat on the couch, turned on the TV, and said. 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner'?

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.As he settled in,he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.As fate would have it,she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "bussiness trip or pleasure?"She turned,smiled and said business.I'm going to the annual "Nymphomaniacs of America Convention" in Chicago.He swallowed hard.Here was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen sitting next to him,and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.Struggling to maintain his composure he calmly asked 'What's your business role at the convention?""Lecturer"she responded.I use information I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the myths about sexuality."Really"he said."And what kind of myths are there?""Well,"she explained,"one popular myth is that African-American are the most well-endowed,when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.Another myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed."I'm sorry."she said,I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you.I don't even know your name." "Tonto,"the man said,"Tonto Goldstein,but my friends call me Bubba."

An Italian man lived alone in New
Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work,
as the ground was hard.

His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The father wrote a letter to his son and
described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I
am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I
won't be able to plant my tomato garden this
year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up
a garden plot. I know if you were here my
troubles would be over. I know you would
be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old
days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At
4 a.m.. the next morning, FBI agents and police
arrived and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left.

That
same day the father received another letter from
his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.That's
the best I could do under the circumstances.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

People Really Said These Things In Court:
Q: What is the first thing your husband said to you when he woke in the morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what waysdoes it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A cowboy rides up to a saloon and ties up his horse. He goes behind the horse, lifts the tail and gives it a big kiss. When he goes into the saloon and bartender asks why he kissed the horse behind. He said "I have chapped lips and it keeps me from licking them."

A police officer makes a traffic stop for speeding, and the driver is quite belligerent and mouthy. When the officer hands the citation to the driver, there is a notation on the paper..."AH". The driver asks what that means.

The officer tells him "That's a note to myself should you take this to court to remind me you're an a$$hole".

The driver, bent out of shape even further tells the officer "I'll see you in court!" and drives off.

When the case comes to trial, the driver's attorney cross-examines the officer. "Officer...exactly what does this notation 'AH' mean?"

The officer replies, "Well sir, that's a note to myself to remind me the defendant was 'aggressive and hostile' when I made the traffic stop."

The attorney says "Are you sure it doesn't mean he was an 'a$$hole'?"

To that, the officer replies, "Well, Counselor...I imagine you must know your client better than I do."

Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

"I stopped a semi for speeding and was writing a ticket when something buzzed around my face. I brushed at it with my hand several times to chase it off. The truck driver said that it was an a$$hole fly. I asked if he was calling me an a$$hole. He replied no sir I would never say that. But you can't fool them flies. I sent him on his way with a warning.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake ...And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.

He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died . . . I'm married to his darned widow."

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

At age 4 s success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . .Having money.
At age 50 success is . .. . Having money....and a Studebaker.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers license, and still driving a Studebaker.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends, and still driving a Studebaker.
At age 80 success is . . . Remembering where you parked your Studebaker.[/b]

A young lady went to visit her recently widowed 90 year old grandmother. "Oh grandma, I'm soo sorry grandpa has passed on". "Yes dear, it's a sad day for us all" grandma responded. The girl hemmed and hawed for a few seconds and then asked, "Grandma, how did grandpa die?" "He died while we were having sex, dear".
"Oh my, grandma. Weren't you too old to be having sex?" Grandma explained, "Well dear we knew we were getting up in age so we were very careful. We only made love when the church bell rang. You know, ding - in, ding - out, ding - in..." "Yes grandma, I understand" said the young girl. Grandma looked at the girl and said, "and he would still be alive if that dammed ice cream truck hadn't driven by".

3 dogs sitting n a vets office talking one dog ask the others what are you in here for.
dog 1 replies, "well im a barker, been a barker my whole life , mom was a barker dad was a barker, from a long line of barkers, my owner brought me here to see if the can make me stop barking"
dog 2 replies" well im a piddler, been a piddler my whole life, mom was a piddler, dad was piddler froma long line of piddlers so my owner brought me here to see if the vet can fix this"
dogs 3 says" well im a humper,been a humper my entire life, dad was ahumper, mom was humper , im from a long line of humpers, the other day my owner was getting out of the shower and bent over for the towel and i started humping"
dog 1 says" so she brought you to see if the vet can fix that?"
dog 3 say" nope just getting my nails trimmed"

A Third grade teacher asks the class what sounds they remembered hearing while on their field trip to a farm. Mary said Moo, Bobby said cluck cluck, Aron said baa baa and little Johnny said Keep off the F++++++ Tractor.

A senior citizen purchased a new Corvette. Once out on the highway he couldn't resist the urge to speed and was pulled over by a Florida
highway patrol. The cop tells the guy that it's Friday and the end of his shift and if he can give him a reason for speeding he has never heard he will let him go. His excuse: Years ago his wife ran away with a Florida highway patrolman and I thought you were bringing her back.

CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I occasionally vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost
successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

Poet...Mystic...Soldier of Fortune. As always...self-absorbed, adversarial, cocky and in general a malcontent.

Highway patrolman goes to pull over a man for speeding, The man goes even faster and after several miles finally pulls over.
When the patrolman approaches his car he asks the man, Give me one good reason why I shouldn't take you to jail right now?
The man replies well officer you see a few months ago my wife ran off with a highway patrol officer and I thought it was you trying to bring her back.

quote:I laughed until I cried. Then, I took a closer look, and realized the video is fake.

Dave, you and me must be twisted the same way. Watched it the first time with the sound off, thought it was sorta amusing, 2nd time with sound on, good for a snicker. 3rd time watched with my boss, we both cracked up and his face turned red. Kept chuckling all the way home every time I thought about it...

Ok, I sure hope this doesen't get me in trouble (again) with Mr Shaw.
I don't think it will so.....

NUN IN A CAB.

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
Cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
And Hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
Could Say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have To be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would Make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party