LORD FERG II

David Moyes is not a man for convention. You can tell that by how he ended up at Manchester United – bagging England's top job on the back of winning none of England's top trophies – and by how he has so far gone about being Lord Ferg II.

First he was nice – nice! – to journalists during his opening press conference and then he pulled a real rabbit out of the hat by losing his first match in charge – to Singha All Star XI. OK, it was a friendly, and Lord Ferg I lost his first match in charge of United too (2-0 away to Oxford in November 1986), but still, Singha All Star XI?

Anyway, Lord Ferg II has really gone the extra mile now, for having missed out on Thiago Alcântara, he has set his sights on Cesc Fábregas, with United having offered Barcelona £26m for the midfielder. "What's so crazy about that?" the Fiver hears you cry. Well let the Fiver tell you: Fábregas is better than Alcantara. Yes, that's right, Lord Ferg II has inverted the reject triangle – having missed out on his No1 target he has decided to switch his attention to a player who is more experienced, more accomplished and more highly-rated. His No2 choice is better than his No1 choice. Moyes, you are ker-ray-zee!

So, what are the chances of United getting Fábregas having missed out on Thiago? Well, for starters, the player loves Barcelona. He came through the youth ranks there and almost wept when he returned in 2011 following a stint as Arsenal captain. His entire family lives in the city. It's emotional stuff all round.

He made 32 La Liga appearances for Barcelona last season, which worked out to 2,321 minutes on the pitch, a record that was bettered only by four players: Gerard Pique, Jordi Alba, Lionel Messi and Victor Valdes. He made another eight appearances in the Champions League and seven in the Copa Del Rey, scoring 14 goals in total. In other words, he got a game.

"I've always said that I'm happy at Barça. Whoever says that I'm leaving doesn't know me and has never spoken with me," Fábregas said last month. "Nor with my agent, because he knows that I don't want him to talk with other people about me. If someone says anything that isn't that I want to play at Barca, it's completely absurd."

That's that then. Or is it? Because with Lord Ferg II you never know what's going to happen next.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"It's a friendly game but when you can 'kill' the 'keeper, you have to do it when you are a striker" – Olivier Giroud attempts to sound more unhinged than Arsenal target Luis Suárez.

FIVER LETTERS

"On Big Website the blurb accompanying Martin Hinteregger's own-half howitzer for FC Red Bull Salzburg against Schalke is misleading, as it ends 'against their Bundesliga opponents'. Given that both the German and Austrian domestic leagues are known as Bundesliga and that this was a cross-border friendly, there should have been a clarification regarding which Bundesliga is being referred to. As simply referring generally to 'Bundesliga' suggests that both teams are in the same league, an intimation that no sane human would publish. Also, is the plural of Bundesliga Bundesliga, Bundesligas, or Bundesligii? I almost didn't send this to you on account of its anodyne, rambling and near-trace levels of interest. But then I figured you do the same to me every day and so assumed you're into this sort of thing" – JJ Dunning

"Um, do you have Sturdy Short-Haired Cat-Loving Fiver's phone number, by any chance (Friday's Fiver)? It's on a football-related matter, honestly. I hope our cats get on" – Cathy Bryant

"Nice work with the supposed link to Carl Jenkinson's hat being a mistaken link to the file on the author's own computer (Friday's Fiver). A pretty basic mistake … I mean does no one actually check anything in the Fiver before … oh" – Dean Laffan

JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES

We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they weren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.

BITS AND BOBS

Liverpool's midfield will remain a cluttered mess for at least another two years after Steven Gerrard agreed to a contract extension until 2015.

Bayern Munich's midfield will become a cluttered mess after Pep Guardiola couldn't help himself and signed Thiago Alcântara from Barcelona for £21m.

Ashley Westwood, who did a very good job of tidying up Aston Villa's cluttered mess in midfield last season, has signed a new four-year contract. "He never seems to give the ball away. He's been exceptional," oozed Villa boss Ambitious Paul.

STILL WANT MORE?

The best players in the world are snubbing The Best League in the World TM – and it's great news because it's making English teams thrifty, reckons Marcus Christenson, while darning an old pair of socks.