How To: Cover Your Ass

Always have backup logic

Sure, this helps you cover your ass, but it is also a sound practice to use all the time. When making important decisions that essentially put their necks on the line, most people have a solid rationale for doing so. But really smart (and successful) people will have an alternate explanation just in case their original line of reasoning falls on deaf ears. Some call it spinning yarn or twisting reality. Others call it good business fundamentals (especially those in politics.) Use this kind of pragmatic thinking, and you’ll be amazed at how you can come out of rotten situations looking like a golden child.

Accept what you’ve got coming to you

Sometimes, if things don’t work out the way they are supposed to, you’re better off accepting whatever punishment is coming and making it clear to your superiors (be they your boss or your girlfriend) that you learned a valuable lesson and will not make the same mistake again. Being gracious and humble at a time like this can distance you from the frazzled masses spinning their wheels in damage-control mode.

Once you’ve fingered yourself as the culprit, you set up an opportunity to right the wrong and instantly reverse your fortunes in the eyes of your bosses and colleagues. With your girlfriend, it starts with flowers and humility. Professionally, it starts with organizing the team around you and getting sh*t done. Luckily, your coworkers will undoubtedly admire you for "falling on the sword" and will work twice as hard to ensure you succeed with your neck on the line. Except for the lazy guy in IT... he’ll probably continue to show up late and keep disappearing for hours on end.

Keep records

Unless you are an unscrupulous accountant, keeping detailed records can often cover your ass very effectively when the monkey throws the turd, so to speak. People attempting to save their own hides will often panic and start denying and blaming everyone around them. But keeping a copy of the e-mail you sent them or saving the phone message they drunkenly left will keep you clean and make their lives even more difficult. It’s really fun to watch them squirm.

Of course, the drawback is that when it is you that has neglected to read the e-mail or return the call, your "catalog of evidence" becomes one big ball of karmic irony. And with the Big Brother-esque powers of the average IT department, a big ball that can’t be destroyed. All this is motivation to actually pay attention to the details in tasks or at least start reading books on computer hacking.

get your butt off the line

Not having to cover your ass means never having to step out from the crowd and take a chance. You can remain huddled in with the masses and accept mediocrity in exchange for never having to exercise a bit of pragmatic thinking or planning. Or, you could grow a couple, grab the bull and try to make something great happen!

And when you fail at that (you will from time to time, unless you’re Tiger Woods or the guy that makes Peanut Butter Cup gelato down at Mario’s Iced Creamery), you can use what you learned in this article to lessen the impact. Failing that, you can cross the bridges you never burned and take advantage of the opportunities waiting you on the other side. Call that friend from college who is in IT recruiting or e-mail the cute girl you met at the conference and start crafting an escape plan. Networking isn’t something you do on your couch with a remote — it’s a crucial step in covering your ass and moving up to better things.