It was 8 years ago when an arrow of love was pierced through my heart. How can we exactly describe that feeling?

Beautiful. Romantic. Sincere. Young. Carefree.

It was one of the best feeling I have ever felt before. I was given someone who cares for me in sickness and in health. Someone who embraced the beauty and worst in me. My rain or shine companion, in laughter or in tears his presence is always present. A friend, best friend rather whom you can always count on, who always got your back. A person who despite of your past accepted you for who you are and who you are not.

He made me feel worthy to be treasured. And I was beyond grateful.

It was a long journey that I even dream of us in the future. I never picture someone else because I was so sure that all I want was you. You made me feel secure and certain. It felt just right with you.

Those years with you was a roller coaster ride of emotions. Like every relationship, it was not always a sweet and happy ones. There were days that we were having huge fights. We even argue on the smallest thing there could be. There were nights that we were in pain but those things too shall pass. We discovered a lot of things to each other as the years went by which made us more comfortable and confident.

Everything was just right.

Until one day, it became unsure.

It was the hardest part in a relationship. All the uncertainties started to consume me. I had to ask myself a thousand times why do I have to feel it, why it has to be with you. I thought it will pass, I thought maybe I was just thinking too much.

But I wasn’t. It was real and it was growing every single day.

I am sorry. Because you also have to suffer because of the uncertainties I felt. I promise it was not my intention to feel this way and make you feel this way. It was just became too much for me.

Too much that it was breaking me.

I have to leave before I totally lose myself. It was a selfish act but I have to.

I am deeply sorry.

We have to endure the pain for now. But I believe we will heal at our own time, our own pace.

Sorry for every pain that I have caused you. Sorry for breaking your heart.

1 Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.2 Worship the Lord with gladness;come before him with joyful songs.3 Know that the Lord is God.It is he who made us, and we are his[a];we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

4 Enter his gates with thanksgivingand his courts with praise;give thanks to him and praise his name.5 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;his faithfulness continues through all generations.

All the things happening around is such a mess. I am starting to lose my mind. If I can only close my eyes and make it all disappear like it never happened.

I don’t know why I feel so sad, lazy, distracted and add other negative adjectives that you can think of. I really don’t know why. I find it hard to sleep at night, I even find it hard to think properly.

I’ve tried to look in the mirror every time I take a bath before going to work. I’ve been trying to figure out and at least see what is really happening to me. And as I look each day, it seems like my reflection is EMPTY and DRY.

I’ve tried to look closely, I’ve noticed the tears running down like river.
I’ve tried to open my ears, I’ve heard the desperate scream.
And I started to ask, what is happening? What is really going on?

I found myself crying in the corner, crying at the top of my lungs.

My tears started to run out. I need to get up and ready myself to work. As I stepped out of the bathroom, I know damn who cares what you are going through.

I wear my best self-defense, smile. It helps me a lot. It helps me survive in a day. It keeps me going. It keeps me away from drama. It makes me look okay, at least.

As I continue to feel this strange feeling of sadness in me, I’ve been trying to still look on the brighter side. I still look forward to the beauty of the sun as it rise, like this is a new day to hope for. I’ve been trying to still appreciate the air that I breathe and even the wind that smoothly kisses my hair and skin. Optimism gives hope, at least.

But to stay in the manner of smiling and hoping is such a heavy rock that I keep on pushing. I am running out of strength sometimes but who else gonna be there for me? If I don’t help my self, to where and what would I end?

I know it will be a long and tough process but I need to keep going. The world doesn’t need to know everything about me but I should know myself.I should know that I still can give a good damn fight. That I can still figure it out one day. That I need to keep going…