Ming the clam had seen things that you or I could only ever dream of. As possibly the oldest living creature on the planet, Ming had seen empires rise and fall. He saw wars and revolutions and societal rebirths. He saw man shake free of its home and voyage into the unforgiving darkness of space. Well, obviously he didn't actually see any of that. He was a clam. He only saw the inside of his shell, and he didn't even see that because clams don't have eyes. Anyway, it doesn't matter. He's dead now.

And what killed Ming the clam? Scientists trying to work out how old he was, that's what. They found out by killing him. So he's dead, but at least we all know how old he was. Great work, science! However, this does mean that Ming the clam can now enter the pantheon of Oldest Things Ever, something that is bound to come as a comfort to his grieving clam family. Here are his peers.

Pando: 80,000+ years old

This 106-acre colony of quaking aspen trees in Utah is clonal, which means it's formed of a single, impossibly huge underground root system that could be anywhere between 80,000 and a million years old, making it the oldest-known living organism on the planet. Collectively it weighs 6m kilograms. But the most amazing thing about Pando is that it has been so heavy for so long, and yet has avoided being the subject of a snide Mail Online sidebar article.

The Sisters Olive Trees of Noah: 5,000-6,000 years old

The Sisters olive trees of Noah. Photograph: Internet

The Sisters are a grove of Lebanese olive trees, believed to be the oldest non-clonal trees in the world. Legend has it that, when the dove gave Noah an olive branch to signal the end of the Biblical floods, it came from this exact grove. Which means that the whole Noah thing must have been true after all. Who knew?

The immortal jellyfish: theoretically they can live for ever

Found off the coast of Japan, Turritopsis dohrnii is a small species of jellyfish that uses transdifferentiation to return to polyp stage – basically reverting to a baby after reaching sexual maturity – whenever it gets old or sick or scared. A Japanese professor, Shin Kubota, is attempting to raise some immortal jellyfish in captivity, and is so obsessed that he has even recorded and performed songs about them.

Adwaita: 255 years old

Adwaita the giant tortoise Photograph: PRcked

The oldest-ever living Giant Tortoise probably deserves his own film. He was born 26 years before America gained independence, was at one point the pet of Clive of India and had lived in the same Indian zoo since 1875 before dying of liver failure. He's basically an much older, much slower version of Forrest Gump.

Unnamed Geoduck: 168 years old

How on Earth any of these saltwater clams managed to live for even a few seconds beyond birth is a complete mystery. By rights, they should have been stamped on and wiped out the moment that anyone saw how much like they looked like horrific, wriggling, metre-long penises. However, possibly because they infected the nightmares of anyone who saw one, Geoducks can easily outlive humans. The oldest recorded specimen was 168 years old.

Charlie the Curser: 114 years old

Charlie is a blue-and-yellow macaw, reportedly hatched in 1899. Legend has it, Charlie was taught to scream wartime abuse – including "Fuck Hitler" and "Fuck the Nazis" – by Winston Churchill. Churchill's family has denied that he ever owned Charlie, and there's some debate over whether he is even as old as claimed. Still, he's almost definitely the oldest-ever pottymouthed anti-Nazi parrot, if that counts.

Creme Puff: 38 years old

According the Guinness Book of Records, Creme Puff was the oldest cat ever recorded. The secret to her longevity was apparently a diet of bacon and asparagus. However, Creme Puff tragically passed away in 2005, long before Instagram dragged inexplicable cat fetishism into the mainstream. Thanks for paving the way for all the other cats, Creme Puff!