name rings a bell

Let’s Make Fun Of Rep. Daniel Webster, For Being Bad At Congress

Last week we wrote about the latest program that House Republicans drew from their box of Valuable Programs That Benefit Any Number Of People And Aren’t That Expensive But Should Be Destroyed Solely Because A Democrat Likes Them, the American Community Survey — a form of several dozens questions sent to random households each month, the results of which are used by most policy researchers and help determine how some $400 billion in discretionary funds should be allocated. The Republicans are led by freshman Rep. Daniel Webster, who’s trying to snag his one crappy piece of legislation that he can wave around to trick his constituents into thinking he does work and deserves reelection. Webster and others heard that the survey, which is mandatory, sometimes includes a question asking if one’s home has a flush toilet, and so they’re essentially saying that ACS should be destroyed to stop Democrats from watching you poop. No, that’s not fair of us. Because the actual words that come out of Daniel Webster’s mouth whenever he has the misfortune of opening it are so much worse.

Daniel Webster is pretending to be concerned about the ACS on both cost and privacy grounds. It should be noted that on Friday, Daniel Webster voted in favor of a $642 billion National Defense Authorization Act that allows the government to continue to spy on and kill everyone everywhere for bloodsport but otherwise only allocates spending on the most vital functions, such as the creation of a vast East Coast missile defense system designed stop Iranian nuke-tipped ICBMs from hitting any American city.

So what’s your specific policy argument, arrived at only after the most comprehensive weighing of pros and cons, for eliminating the ACS?

“This is a program that intrudes on people’s lives, just like the Environmental Protection Agency or the bank regulators.”

It is not in any way like either of those things and they don’t intrude on people’s lives, but yes, Democrats generally are in favor of preserving the Environmental Protection Agency and believe that financial markets should be regulated. What other clunky GOP focus-grouped buzzword pastiche did you bring to the workshop today? Oh, here is when he tells the many businesses who depend on these survey results and want the program preserved that they’ve got it all wrong:

Mr. Webster says that businesses should instead be thanking House Republicans for reducing the government’s reach.

“What really promotes business in this country is liberty,” he said, “not demand for information.”

Daniel Webster is a United States Congressman and he said, “What really promotes business in this country is liberty, not demand for information.” Gold Star for Daniel Webster, who just last night lost his first baby tooth and today said his first sentence of 13 words! It was the worst combination and sequence of 13 words he could have picked out of the fattest unabridged dictionary of any language in human history, sure, but freshmen congressmen always have a lot of catchin’ up to do. In this sentence he manages to (1) make no sense, make a mockery of sense, (2) dismiss the concerns of and correct America’s beloved Business Job Creator Class, who would gladly Create Jobs if the Washington Politicians just Let Them Create Jobs, and (3) declare that “information” is of no use to business. This is the first time that your Wonkette has seen a congressman explicitly denounce “information.”

How does a survey work, congressman — or should we say, how does it not work, amirite?

“We’re spending $70 per person to fill this out. That’s just not cost effective,” he continued, “especially since in the end this is not a scientific survey. It’s a random survey.”

We were going to respond to that one with a full novella of insults but nevermind, the liberal New York Times gets it done in one line, with this beautiful translation of “You’re a fucking idiot” into objective-journalismese:

In fact, the randomness of the survey is precisely what makes the survey scientific, statistical experts say.

(Oh, and about that: “For example, a question on flush toilets — one that some politicians like to cite as being especially invasive — is used to help assess groundwater contamination for rural parts of the country that do not have modern waste disposal systems, according to the Census Bureau.” Commies watchin’ ya poop, is all we’re saying…)

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

I am a
who eats
and doesn't understand what
is. Having no
results in higher

bordo2

When new ways to be stupid are invented, Republicans will invent them.

finallyhappy

Yes, I remember when some idiot in Congress(ok, that is hard to narrow down) didn't like my agency studying game theory(in some grant) because playing games is not what we should be funding. Another smart member of Congress(must have been a Dem) attempted to explain to moron NO. 1 what it was- in small 3 and 4 letter words. No success but we didn't lose our funding

Is his daddy the guy who blew the devil in that movie?
Maybe I'm confusing it with something else…

__kth__

Hopefully there will be a sequel called "The Devil *In* Daniel Webster", in which this guy laughably fails to get his client exonerated, and is sentenced to be rogered by Satan for criminal legal malpractice (which might be a crime I just now made up).

nounverb911

Did he sell his soul to the devil yet?

Callyson

The devil can't keep up with the growth in the supply of souls since the 2010 election.

ChessieNefercat

The devil held Webster's wizened, dumbass little soul between two fingers, curled his lip at it and flung it aside calling for an imp or maybe a minion to bring him a wet wipe for his fingers. "This may be hell", he said, "but we have our standards and we're not cluttering the place up with shit like that."

pinkocommi

The Republitard Party proudly stands up for the right of Americans to have no flush toilet. That's what they call "progress" in the name of "liberty."

nounverb911

Do you know who else promoted "Out Houses"?

BlueStateLibel

Yeah, we don't need no damn bank regulators – when you deposit your money, those bankers should be free to do whatever they want with it, put it all on #7 in the 10th at Belmont, or invest in scratch-offs, it's all good. It's not as if we ever had a problem with panics or runs on banks, stupid libs.

“For example, a question on flush toilets — one that some politicians like to cite as being especially invasive — is used to help assess groundwater contamination for rural parts of the country that do not have modern waste disposal systems, according to the Census Bureau.”

Hell, all you have to do is ask the town gossip! She can tell you EXACTLY whut that person done flushed, right down to the number of meth capsules!

Schmannnity

Republicans have more outhouses per capita–at least in the South. He's just protecting his voters from embarassment.

The Republicans just love to protect big business' "freedom" to go take a dumb everyone else's lawns just because they feel like it; but they still consistently actively oppose actual freedom, like a woman's freedom to control her own vagina.

The GOP: Getting the government OFF your back and UP your vagina! USA! USA!

walterhwhite

When Republicans take a dump, they actually take a dumb.

SayItWithWookies

Daniel Webster demands not to know anything about you — as long as you're married and having unprotected sex.

Guppy

Does it have to be with the spouse, though?

FakaktaSouth

I can see this man formulating this plan with his staff – "Okay, look – these assholes in the teaparty are coming after guys like me who are as dumb as them now, not just those bitches with Frozen lady parts in Maine! I need a god damned study I can shit on to prove I hate the government too, so that I can keep my government job and get A HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR to tell people how much money I think we are wasting."
FUCK THIS GUY I WAS IN A GOOD MOOD WHEN I GOT UP THIS MORNING.

Dildeaux

Why is Obama creating such a toxic political environment?

Eve8Apples

"It should be noted that on Friday, Daniel Webster voted in favor of a $642 billion National Defense Authorization Act that allows the government to continue to spy on and kill everyone everywhere…"

Does the $642 billion include the cost of the poop satellites that watch me while I poop?

A patriotic American lady would turn on her webcam and let the rest of us government watch for free!

Blueb4sunrise

That's Google Poop.

Eve8Apples

Or Buttbook. If you charge people to watch, then you have a social networking business model that may be profitable. You're welcome, Zuckerburg.

Blueb4sunrise

GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OneYieldRegular

"This is program that intrudes on people's lives, just like fracking-contaminated groundwater and catastrophic unregulated financial mis-management that has led to an economic meltdown with some 16 million Americans out of work."

chascates

Instead of debating the Great Deluder he assumed his nature.

dijetlo

Iz you an idjut?
A: Yup
B: Stop oppressing me wit yer soshulizmz!!!
C: I have a cornstand-two-channel right to be as dumb and loud as I like.
D: All of the above.

Chichikovovich

In fact, the randomness of the survey is precisely what makes the survey scientific, statistical experts people with more than two brain cells say.

I work in Jersey City on the Hudson right next to the site where Colgate made most of its products for decades. Our good Gov. Tom Kean determined the lead from the manufacture of billions of old style tooth paste tubes did not need to be cleaned up if they paved the spot for parking lot. When Hartz decided to build on it, our good Gov. Christie Whitman decided Hartz could decide whether its remediation program was sufficient. Hartz decided they did not need to remediate as they could construct the 11 story buildings on piling driven into the ground. When the process began, every time they drove a piling to a certain point thick sudsy water would start to erupt in geysers about three to eight feet high. This just ran off into the Hudson. Some pilings were pounded down through three lengths of 16 foot pilings, some stopped halfway in when bed rock was hit. Still each one went about four feet in and the geyser would start.

Terry

You could tell without looking that Rep. Daniel Webster is from Florida, couldn't you?

In certain southern California community college polisci programs, yes.

Come here a minute

Rep. Daniel Webster poops on your statistical experts!

MissTaken

For a guy named after the dictionary he sure doesn't know how words work.

Callyson

“What really promotes business in this country is liberty,” he said, “not demand for information.”

Yeah, because it's not as if businesses spend any time on trivial matters such as market research or R&D.

Idiot.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb

I remember an awesome time back in the days of yore when companies worked on liberty and a lack of information. They'd pay HTML "engineers" $150K and give them foosball tables and invest $20M in a company building things like a Breakfast Cereal Portal or a site which would ship a 50lb bag of dog chow across the country and not charge shipping.

I forget whatever happened in the end, but I expect it was jerbs and low taxes or something.

The irony of this mouth breather not knowing the words of his namesake is not lost on, well me at least – From Daniel Webster's "Second Response to Hayne' Let their last feeble and lingering glance rather behold the gorgeous ensign of the republic… not a stripe erased or polluted, nor a single star obscured, bearing for its motto, no such miserable interrogatory as "What is all this worth?" nor those other words of delusion and folly, "Liberty first and Union afterwards"; but everywhere, spread all over in characters of living light, blazing on all its ample folds, as they float over the sea and over the land, and in every wind under the whole heavens, that other sentiment, dear to every true American heart,— Liberty and Union, now and for ever, one and inseparable!

Sen Diaper Dave Vitter will actually pay you to watch him poop so….PROFIT!!!!!

Biel_ze_Bubba

Yeah, I hate how the bank regulators intrude on people's lives. We should just let the free market do the regulating: if you don't like how your big bank gambled away your savings, you can always start over (at age 55), put your money in another big bank, and hope that their gambles pay off better. (The bank executives, of course, get paid millions regardless, because free markets.)

I'm surprised he didn't just demand that the 400 billion be given to the GOP. Community, schmoonity– fuck the people!

ChessieNefercat

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. I'm a scientist, so things like "this is not a scientific survey. It’s a random survey" just make my teeth hurt.

But the pain diminishes when I reflect on the truly wondrous level of stupidity contained in this sentence: “What really promotes business in this country is liberty,” he said, “not demand for information.” Stupidity at its finest, most gloriously proud level of being. You can almost hear the angels singing at its awesomeness.

Can't somebody just lock him in a restroom stall until his term expires? Supply it with some comic book toilet paper and he can entertain himself for months.

radio-of-owls

lock him in a restroom stall

Without a flush toilet, of course.

anniegetyerfun

As a small business owner, the last thing I have ever wanted is information. When potential clients, for instance, try to give me their business cards, I immediately burn them, for freedom.

Blueb4sunrise

A SMART congresscritter would know that poop monitoring is a way to identify terrorist cells.

Asking a random sample of Americans about their plumbing? Privacy invasion!
Government mandated & medically unnecessary probes of women's reproductive plumbing if they wish to undergo a perfectly legal medical procedure? It's all good.

Eve8Apples

“What really promotes business in this country is liberty,” he said, “not demand for information.”

Everyone knows the most successful businesses are the ones that make random decisions based upon no information. Little known fact — Warren Buffett chooses Berkshire Hathaway investments by randomly pulling corporate names from a hat. He doesn't bother to research anything.

V572 Is this him?

Rep Connie Mack, Rep Daniel Webster—what's w/all these faux/retro names for congressmen? Can we have a Rep George Washington? How about Senator Jesus H Christ?

Actually, John Edwards heard this a lot from his staff once the Enquirer story broke, only it was pronounced more like "Senator?????? JESUS H CHRIST!!!!".

Wile E. Quixote

Reagan H. Christ for President. The "H" stands for "Freedom".

PsycWench

To be fair, to a Republican of this caliber, a "scientific survey" is one sent to the people who are most likely to reply in the way he wants. decidedly NOT randomly. The Republican view of science involves a lot of manipulation.

Oblios_Cap

So does this make Grover Nordquist the Devil in this sordid little tale?

ttommyunger

Well, they've been at war with the Vay-Jay, now they're zeroing in on the pooper, which brave Rethugican Jaggoff is going to introduce a Bill to provide moar Freedums to the Taint?

randcoolcatdaddy

“What really promotes business in this country is liberty,” he said, “not demand for information.”

"The Prisoner" was a tv show, dear. Those big balloons bouncing around the beach were just big plastic balloons….

radio-of-owls

I knew I'd seen this guy's picture before. He was the "After" picture in an ad for Country Joe's Lobotomy & Oil Change Shop over there in Bald Knob County.

The "Jesus H. Christ [engaged in some random activity]" construction is one I picked up reading Charlie Pierce's blog over at Esquire. He and his commenters are always using it: Jesus H. Christ ordering off the vegan menu, Jesus H. Christ drinking a pitcher of margaritas at Mexicali in Los Feliz, stuff like that.

fuflans

this is the guy that beat alan grayson?

god FL you so crazy.

BaldarTFlagass

“What really promotes business in this country is liberty,” he said, “not demand for information.”

I, for one, really like surfing here on the liberty highway.

CommieLibunatic

If I hear one more of these GOP goons go on about "liberty," I'm going to punch every American flag on the planet.

RavenRant

'Taliban Dan' Webster replaced Alan Grayson. Voters in that district should be institutionalized. They are a clear danger to themselves and others.

Lionel[redacted]Esq

I have no problems with Republicans watching me poop. But they are going to have to pay for the privileged. You don't give that shit away for free!

anniegetyerfun

The real victim here is Sarah Palin. And I'm being serious, because I assume that she still has outhouses on her Alaskan homestead.

Lionel[redacted]Esq

Outhouses are for fancy, Socialist elitist. Sarah just let's everything drop where she is, as God intended.

Information is the scourge of small businesses the world over! That's what they taught us in Marketing 101.

ChessieNefercat

Remember when we learned about Paul Revere ridin' through town, ringin' those bells and clangin' that cookware, warnin' the British that we wouldn't let anyone force information on us…

And who can forget Patrick Henry's stirring cry, "Give me liberty, or give me death, but under no circumstances will I accept information! So don't you try to give me any!" (Most of us have only ever heard the abridged version, of course.)

Butch_Wagstaff

"Clangin' that cookware…"

He was going to cook up some freedoms for Jesus!

InnerPrincess

So, does the Republican hivemind simply collapse when faced with the Freedom of Information act?

owhatever

You libruls didn't see our Four Fathers sending out polls for information before they wrote "Battleship."

Guppy

It's not like there's any household in the wealthiest country in the world that lacks indoor plumbing.

BlueStateLibel

There is just so much ignorance and stupidity in just that one sentence, “This is a program that intrudes on people’s lives, just like the Environmental Protection Agency or the bank regulators” that Wonkette has already filled its quota of quoting stupid things stupid people say for the entire week.