If you’ve caught a game recently on TV, you’ve almost certainly seen this Visa ad featuring The Never Miss A Super Bowl Club. Not only is it another dumb predatory promotion intended at duping people into mounting large amounts of debt with a promise of a lame award no one needs or probably even wants all that much, but its commercial features an annoying collective of misguided codgers who for whatever reason decided paying out the ass to go watch the Super Bowl live regardless of who’s playing is a lifelong endeavor.

Of course the spot is also narrated by Morgan Freeman because the association of old people and dementia quests automatically calls to mind The Bucket List, which I never saw, but surely is a movie to be commended for inspiring a handful of septuagenarians to kill themselves mountain climbing and other things old people shouldn’t be doing. Hoarding ribbon candy is what God intended for you shriveled old prunes. Embrace it.

Poking around on YouTube, I noticed that there are brief video vignettes of each of the members posted.

Don’s a boring old obsessive who sired a massive collection of Super Bowl ass pads in lieu of children. All told, that’s probably a smart call. Good on him.

Larry is certifiably insane. Not only is he of the opinion that the crowd at a Super Bowl is possessed of mental powers but he doesn’t know the difference between telepathy and telekinesis. Telepathy doesn’t make a ball go anywhere, you doof. If the crowd had telepathy, they’d have known Sean Payton was going to try an onside kick by reading his thoughts. That would have caused all the Fat Hump fans to shout it out beforehand, but then that would also require them removing the four corndogs from their gaping maws as well.

Bob’s cool. He goes because he likes to cuss out players and can’t do that at home. That’s the kind of undisguised bitterness I like to see out of old folks.

Tom is the group’s charming retard with a failing heart of gold. I really hope the story of him pulling out IVs and escaping the hospital the morning of the Super Bowl is true. Because that means the security in Miami let in a guy wearing a hospital gown. Which kind of makes sense. Hard to conceal a weapon in there.

Anyway, your Meast for Week 12 is Dwayne Bowe, who has at least 100 receiving yards and two touchdown receptions in his past three games. He had 170 yards and three touchdowns in the Chiefs’ rout over the Seahawks on Sunday. We also considered Malcolm Jenkins, for his game-saving strip of Roy Williams, Peyton Hillis and Kyle Williams. We felt we had to recognize the superhuman stretch of production that Bowe has put together. We’d also like to see if giving a receiver the Meast causes him to drop a game-winning touchdown the following week. Science must not be deterred.

Your Least for Week 12 was Steve Johnson. Any other week and this would have been an incredibly easy choice but there was an especially crowded Least field in Week 12. Alphonso Smith, Roy Williams and Reggie Bush each made for compelling candidates before last Thursday’s action was even over. Then on Sunday, Peyton Manning flamed out hilariously. Perry Riley nullified a game-winning kickoff return for the Redskins with a stupid and unnecessary block in the back penalty. Throw in the fact that Kogod started apologizing for him and we really wanted to give it to Riley. Then there was Derek Anderson’s shitastic showing and postgame meltdown on Monday night. Just an incredibly loaded crop of Least candidates. But really, it couldn’t not be Johnson. Five drops overall. Dropping a game-winning wide open touchdown in the end zone. Blaming God. Going by “Stevie.” That’s redefining what it is to be Leasty.

Johnson totally deserved the Least for following up “Why So Serious?” with 5 drops, one of them crucial.

As for those old fools never missing the Super Bowl……..Unless your team is going to the Super Bowl, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to go to the actual event. The host city is jammed to the point of annoyance. The tickets are wildly overpriced and a good portion of the people there are likely there on the corporate dime. Not to mention purchasing airfare and hotel accommodations. Seems like just watching it on TV with readily available food, alcohol, and like minded idiots is the better way to go.

/dick joke

12.02.10 at 11:59 am

Conrad Dobler

When my wife heard Larry boast that he missed weddings and the birth of children (presumably his own), she looked up and quipped, “What an asshole, he must be a Steelers fan.” For fun, I tried to defend Larry but it was impossible.

12.02.10 at 11:59 am

MenaceIISobriety

WHAT’S WORSE: being beat over the head with these Brimleyites every Sunday or having Martina Navritilova stare at you every time I return home? She’s on an AARP billboard overlooking my condo.

It makes me WANT to mistake the gas pedal for the brake pedal near the rest home across the street.

12.02.10 at 12:04 pm

MenaceIISobriety

that corndog bit had me wetting my depends…in the front AND in the back

12.02.10 at 12:05 pm

thekingofcheap

Is it me or do the players’ poses in the Dwayne Bowe photo look like the awkward movements captured from a Madden game?

12.02.10 at 12:05 pm

clueheywood

Aw, but Derek Anderson takes his Leastiness seriously EVERY WEEK. Is there a lifetime achievement award?

As for the Super Bowl…having been to one where my team (and yours, Ape) was playing, I’m now part of the “always miss a Super Bowl club.” Overpriced flights, overpriced rooms, overpriced parties, douchebags and their hangers-on everywhere, $1,000 face value tickets going for $3000, the asshole corporate invitees in the row behind me calling security to get me to sit down during the fourth quarter after Fitz scored that TD, stadiums located far far away from active or fun parts of town (Glendale, Tampa, Dallas…), and spending February 2012 in Indianapolis. No thanks. Once was enough.

On the plus side, strip clubs step up their game, and (I heard) the whores do as well. These guys probably just go for the whores.

12.02.10 at 12:11 pm

Otto Man

Hoarding ribbon candy is what God intended for you shriveled old prunes. Embrace it.

Win.

12.02.10 at 12:12 pm

Chut Up

No matter how many times I read it, ‘Fat Humps’ always makes me laugh.

12.02.10 at 12:15 pm

DancingBaptist

Gotta agree with the strip club / whore angle. (un) Fortunately that won’t be a problem in BIG D as ol JERRAL has all the good ones on speed dial.

12.02.10 at 12:18 pm

Otto Man

Going by “Stevie.” That’s redefining what it is to be Leasty.

I vote we indulge his instincts and call him Stevie Janowski.

12.02.10 at 12:23 pm

PenskeMaterial

I still can’t believe Jenkins stripped all three of those guys and only gets an honorable mention.

I think Vincent Jackson also deserves a mention. Sits out 10 weeks crying like a bitch for more money and they doesn’t even last through the first quarter when he finally gets on the field? Very leasty.

/is a little disappointed that none of those old codgers mentioned Matlock in their segment.

12.02.10 at 12:35 pm

StuScottBooyahs

Man, wait’ll someone tells them they’ve been broadcasting the games on tee-vee!

12.02.10 at 12:35 pm

twoeightnine

You’re missing the most important aspect of his leastiness.

STEVIE JOHNSON HAS A CHEEKBONE PIERCING! Like a 15 year old girl rebelling against her mother. I’m guessing god told him to get it. And he keeps it in during games.

No, drooling Larry (hat tip) field goals do not go THROUGH the cross-bar; at least not successful kicks. A good attempt goes OVER the cross-bar and between the up-rights. Now take your meds and shut the fuck up.

12.02.10 at 1:18 pm

Spanky Datass

A few weeks ago I asked (in an open thread, I think) if I was a bad person for hating these old bastards. Glad to know I won’t be alone in my particular corner of hell.

12.02.10 at 1:34 pm

Pip

Alphonso Smith got beat 1-on-1 4 times, for touchdowns by 3 different players. How is any fail, bigger than that? There will be at least 5 other game winning TD passes dropped before the season ends. What Smith did will never happen again.

12.02.10 at 1:36 pm

UofTOrange

Is this serious? How exactly is Andre Johnson not the Meast of the week?

It appears people still think the Meast and Least of the week are scientific assessments based on peer-reviewed journals.

/kinda hard to refund $0

12.02.10 at 2:10 pm

Rex Ryan's Long Lost Penis

For some reason I’ve kept it on ESPN all day. Who plays the Cleveland Cavaliers tonight?

/not related really

12.02.10 at 2:21 pm

DancingBaptist

The one guy (Mr. Telepathy) says people call him ” Mr. Excitement “. I’m thinking sarcasm is lost on him.

12.02.10 at 2:23 pm

FavreFAIL

I would not let my niece anywhere near Don.

That is all.

12.02.10 at 2:30 pm

lincecum slinger

Those burdens who have not missed a superbowl piss me off. I pray that the old codgers get jaundice and in addition to that are not allowed entry to the Jerry Jones Taj Mahal because meathead security personnel mistake their colostomy bags for weapons.

12.02.10 at 2:35 pm

jackin'4beats

Malaria and Dengue Fever are not cruel enough to wish on these old bastards for stealing other people’s social security money and blowing it on tickets, hookers and Efferdent. Damn them to hell for having the ability to go to Super Bowls that they don’t even care about.

12.02.10 at 2:36 pm

Mo Charlo

The breakdown of the 4 personalities is as accurate as it is hilarious. Bravo.

12.02.10 at 3:48 pm

MaualugaThunder

At least Steve Johnson, while dropping (in his words) “75 passes” did things offensively. Alphonso Smith got beat embarassingly on at least three touchdowns and got RAN THE FUCK OVER for a 4th. Plus he plays in Detroit. He should be the least.

12.02.10 at 3:50 pm

Barffalo

Stevie, so deserving this least. I do hope he recovers and does not manage to “win” it again.

12.02.10 at 4:09 pm

Slothrop

Good hate on the geezers, but not one mention of the fact that Don is paht of GREATRIOTS NATION? His favahrit Supah Bowl was 36, 38, and 39, aka the greatest Supah Bowls evah played! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

12.02.10 at 4:20 pm

City of Industry Football Corporation

VISA’s next promo commercials will be the “Never Miss A Porsche Model Year”, highlighting the trials and tribulations of four other old white men who own every model year Porsche. What resilience!

12.02.10 at 5:29 pm

agent

Alphonso Smith should be the meast for the Patriots. Holy shit, what a fucking asshole.

12.02.10 at 5:35 pm

lemmy caution

Being that I am white and do not want to die, those rich old white dudes are my heros.

12.02.10 at 5:49 pm

TurleyGirlie

@ Slash – that is EXACTLY how to do it. Last year, my boss took me and my husband on his private jet and invited us to stay in his friend’s house on the water in Ft. Lauderdale. We only paid a little over face value for tickets. So, we paid for tickets, a rental car and beer. Awesome trip and, to top it off, my team won.

The best part? Flying back in to New Orleans that night and flying over the French Quarter to see people partying.

I don’t suppose we could have put Peyton Manning up for Least because of his single-handed (okay, with the aid of the Chargers’ secondary) sinking of the Colts’ hope for a 12-winkakke for the millionth year in a row. If only Pey-Pey could rage at the heavens instead of Jeff Saturday.

Alas.

12.03.10 at 10:44 am

Kansas City honey badger

How dare all of you clown the “Stevie” Well at least the name anyway. Stevie Janowski has been Kenny’s Meast for two straight seasons.