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Stargate Altantis fic: Roadtrip

The Atlantis jumpers are good for a great many things. Taking long flights between planets is not one of them. Now Rodney is stuck in the small compartment with his team with flashbacks to an ill-fated college roadtrip.

don’t own… wish I did, but I don’t. No infringement intended.

“I’d like to reiterate again what a colossally bad idea I think this is,” Rodney told the others as the jumper headed into the wormhole. They exited the other side and immediately took to the air—rising into the atmosphere in seconds. “I don’t do well on roadtrips,” he continued, oblivious to his team’s rolling eyes and pointed stares. “I get clostrophobic and there’s the matter of snacks and bathroom breaks. And there’s always one person that never shuts up. I remember this one time as an undergrad, I went with some other people in the dorm to a football game. Don’t even ask why I was going. There was this girl—a blond, real sporty. Anyway, the drive was like three hours and it was hell. The driver refused to stop for any breaks other than his own and the music blasting…”
“McKay,” Sheppard barked, interrupting Rodney’s train of thought.

“Hmm?”

“We all know you think this is a bad idea. Your protest has been noted.”

“Several times,” Ronon muttered.

Rodney glared at them. “All I’m saying-”

“We get what your saying,” Sheppard cut in. “Now can it.”

With a huff, Rodney crossed his arms over his chest and stared out the window at the stars flying by. The seconds ticked by, eating at his patience. The puddle jumper was closing in on him. He was sure of it. It was definitely smaller. Ronon, sitting behind him, was practically breathing down his neck now. And Sheppard was chewing gum. Rodney hated that. Smack, smack, pop. Ugh.

His stomach growled causing Rodney to sit up straighter. “I could really go for a snack right about now.”

Teyla and Ronon both sighed.

“It’s only been twenty minutes,” said Sheppard through gritted teeth.

“So.”

“We are not having a snack right now. ”

Rodney opened his mouth to protest.

“McKay,” Sheppard warned.

Rodney crossed his arms again in a childish pout. “It’s just like that college roadtrip all over again. Next you’ll be telling me to hold it until the next exit.”

“We’re in space, there are no exits,” Ronon said, with a grin on his face.

“Why would you wish to exit the jumper while we are in space?” Teyla asked with obvious confusion.

“I don’t want to exit the jumper. I just want a snack. What’s the big deal?”

Ronon coughed less than discreetly. “Show a little self control for once.”

“Hey, I have plenty of self control. Just last week-”

“Rodney!” Sheppard shouted, his voice reverberating in the small space.

Rodney frowned at him. “Why do you keep yelling at me? He started it.” The vein on Sheppard’s temple started to twitch. Rodney continued to pout.

Again, time seemed to slow. And the jumper grew smaller. And his stomach growled louder. Tick, tick, tick. Well, there really wasn’t a clock ticking but the sound got into Rodney’s head anyway, slowly driving him mad. He lot out a rather dramatic sigh.

Then another sensation nudged him for attention. He shifted position to try and ease the irritation, but his bladder wanted none of that. He tried to ignore it, setting his mind to figuring out the equation he had been working on before this little trip. But that only worked for a couple minutes. He squirmed more, little grunts and sighs escaping.

He glanced over at Sheppard. He had his hands wrapped tightly around the controls, his knuckles turning white. And he’d stopped chewing his gum. Instead his jaw was set and taught. Teyla looked like she was in some kind of meditative trance. He didn’t dare look back at Ronon, he could hear the man grinding his teeth which never boded well.

Another minute ticked by until Rodney couldn’t stand it any more. “I have to pee,” he announced loudly.

Sheppard let out a long breath. “For god’s sake, Rodney, hold it.”

“I can’t.”

“What are you? Two?”

“I have a small bladder.”

Ronon snorted. “That’s not all.”

Rodney launched to his feet. “What’s that supposed to mean.” Ronon just shrugged.

The shouting seemed to bring Teyla out of her trance. “Rodney,” she said in her indulging, sweet voice, “maybe you should sit back down and relax.”

“I can’t relax when I have to pee and I have an oaf sitting behind me breathing into my ear.”

Ronon was on his feet now, too. “Oaf? Maybe you should have went before we left.”

“This is exactly like that roadtrip. Complete with the control freak driver and a mouth-breathing-”

“I don’t-”

“ENOUGH!” Sheppard shouted over the two. “Don’t make me turn this thing around.”

“And you,” Rodney yelled, turning his attention to the colonel. “Did you even think before you stuck that piece of gum into your mouth. My god, I can’t take it any more with the smacking and chomping and popping.” He continued to rant for several more moments until Sheppard interrupted again.

“McKay, sit down and shut up or so help me god I will pull this thing over at the first moon I see and leave your whining ass there.”

Ronon chuckled, stretching his lanky frame out, a smug look on his face.

“You, too.”

“Ha!” Rodney resisted the urge to stick his tongue out.

“Knock it off.”

“I think we all need to calm down,” Teyla said softly.

Sheppard tensed. “Everyone just shut up already.”

The jumper grew eerily quiet.

Sheppard glanced up at Rodney and sighed. “Fine. Rodney, why don’t you go get a snack. I think they’re in a box in the back somewhere.”

Rodney couldn’t stop the triumphant look that overtook his face. He didn’t even care about the glare Ronon was giving him.

In the back he immediately scanned for the container holding their food supplies, finding it near the rear hatch. He dropped to his knees to open when the door to the cockpit suddenly slammed shut. Momentarily startled, it was a few seconds before Rodney was on his feet, pounding on the door.

It was another five minutes before he realized they weren’t going to open the door. Rodney dropped onto the bench next to the open case and grabbed a granola bar from the top.

This was exactly like that trip in college, he thought. At least getting locked in the cargo hold was better than being left at a rest stop in the middle on nowhere and having to call his dad for cab money. Rodney really, really hated roadtrips. They always ended badly.