April, Abstention, Ascension, & Angels

April is special to me; besides the fact that I hate winter in Montana, April is my birth month. In a few days, I’ll turn 55 years old, halfway between 50 and 60. It seems like a good time to reassess my life, especially considering that it seems only weeks ago I turned 50. Since this is the beginning of April, and we’re still in the Lenten season (not that I practice a faith, but…), I decided to practice a little abstention of addictions. This is day three without any wine or alcohol of any kind (not that I’m counting). It’s okay, actually, because my addiction is psychological rather than physical, but it’s true that I drink wine nearly every day, and sometimes more than the recommended “one glass.” I really love wine. However, it has been suggested to me, by some who shall remain nameless, that I should cut back on the vino, and so for the rest of April I will not drink wine or alcohol of any type. It’s an exercise in self-control. My second addiction is too personal; it’s not illegal or harmful (though possibly dangerous), but it’s not something I’m comfortable putting out on the World Wide Web. It will require at least the same self-control and conscious effort. Buddhists believe that attachment to people and things is what causes us pain in life, so I’m consciously trying to detach to improve my life and my spirit. In any case, I intend to indulge to my heart’s content on April 30th. Just sayin’.

I hiked Mt. Ascension today, perfect for a hike: cool but sunny, not too many people on the trails, and I managed to get to the summit and back to my car without any detours. I love hiking, and it’s a good activity to keep me focused and physically fit. Maybe I’ll even lose a few pounds since I won’t be imbibing as usual. Lots of people hike Mt. Helena, but I prefer Mt. Ascension for several reasons, partly because of memories of hiking it with special people, but also because of the challenge it offers in following trails and because it’s less popular. It’s a good hike for contemplation and meditation, a couple hours at least from start to finish. I usually sit at the top and think, which I did today. As this was my first hike of the season in Montana—I hiked in California last week—I hoped I might see some early wildflowers, but I wasn’t too hopeful; it’s early and has been so cool, I didn’t expect to see any, but on the way down, I saw two beautiful little groups of purple flowers, nearly fully blooming. They were short, close to the ground, but with good-sized petals, almost like wild tulips, really lovely. I was surprised because I saw no other flowers on the entire hike. It seemed odd and out of place that these two little clumps of flowers should sit so isolated and close to the trail. I hoped it was a sign.

While I sat at the summit, I tried to meditate, but I’m not very successful at quieting my mind. Last week in California, Jamie and I talked about “setting intentions,” the idea that if a person sets an intention and asks the universe, or God, or whatever energy one believes in to bring about the intention, it will come to pass. Nancy, my counselor, tells me there is data that show if a person attends to her spirituality, emotional healing will happen faster and better. I didn’t ask her to show me the studies (doubting Thomas that I am), but she’s been pretty spot-on in everything else, so I believe what she says. The problem is that I have a pretty negative attitude toward religion in general, all religion. I consider myself agnostic; however, I know there are several people who pray for me on a regular basis—now including a shuttle driver in Portland whom I met on a ride to the airport! Random! And despite being a nonbeliever, I also feel like a slacker when so many people are spending their valuable time and prayers on me. I should at least be helping! This is where the angels come in; there seem to be signs, there’s something tugging at me, wanting me to listen to the silence. The flowers. I set the intention, I hoped I’d see them, and they were there. I almost took a photo, but I didn’t because I hoped they weren’t real, that they were meant for me alone.

I’m not at all a superstitious person, but I’m open to the possibility that maybe I’m wrong. Gasp!! Steady yourselves. Maybe there is something beyond this consciousness, this life.