The Mill is one miffed-off Mill this morning (and it has nothing to do with that trip to Ikea last night). Walls have been thumped, plates have been smashed and stuffed animals have been put in their place with a boot to the where-it-would-hurts-if-they-had-any-feelings. And once that physical energy has been exerted, expended and exhausted, the Mill has flopped on to its bed and sobbed itself a river that would embarrass the Amazon in full flow.

It's not fair folks. It's! Just! Not! Fair! For years and years now, the Mill has been putting in calls and writing rubbish that hasn't got a jot of truth nor a fragment of fact to it and yet, it hasn't receive one gazillionth of the coverage that that story has been getting. Someone will pay for this theft of thunder but until then let's get cracking on Tuesday's fresh batch of half-baked untruths.

How do you solve a problem like Wojciech Szczesny? Along with figuring out who his favourite character in The Wire is, that is the question that Arsène Wenger has been noodling on for the past few week. "I have a debt to pay here for the club, I owe them. I just do not want to go anywhere else," sobbed Szczesny on Monday but the goalkeeper will be working that debt off sweeping the stands, serving hotdogs or selling programmes if Wenger gets both his way and desired replacement.

The top, top Arsenal accountant has a six-person shortlist and top, topping that list is none other than Petr Cech. A player who is not quite as good as he used to be and doesn't win quite as much as he used to but somehow still manages to pocket the tidiest of pay packages, Cech should feel right at home at the Emirates. If, however, he says he would prefer to keep on kicking it with his Chelsea crew, Wenger will aim for Pepe Reina, Víctor Valdés, René Adler, Michel Vorm, Gordon Banks, Steve Ogrizovic, Lev Yashin or Joseph-Antoine Bell.

One goalkeeper who certainly won't be joining up with Arsenal next season, however, is Stoke's Asmir Begovic – well, not if Sir Alex of Ferguson has anything to do with it. The Manchester United big kahuna has such fastened faith, such bolted belief, such unwavering confidence in David de Gea that he is willing to do £15m worth of dosh dishing to get his hands on the former Yeovil Town star. Chelsea are also ready to rapidly flap those long, luscious, money-dripped curved hairs growing as a fringe on the edge of their eyelids in an effort to attract the Bosnian international to west London should Cech give us all a great big hearty laugh and actually end up joining Arsenal.

Speaking of Manchester, you've heard it before, you're hearing it now and you will hear it at least 83,000,945 times before the next transfer window even considers opening once again but zzz … Edinson … zzz … Cavani … zzz … £60m … Real Madrid and PSG also intere … zzz …

Edinson might be edging his way north but one player who won't be joining him is haircut's Neymar after the Brazilian tore stripes off the Manchester club in his latest, public utterances. "I dream of playing in Europe, for a big club like Barcelona, Real Madrid and Chelsea," he come-and-get-me'd. "Who wouldn't dream about playing alongside Barry, Milner and Sinclair Messi, Xavi and Iniesta? They're all great players," he then salted into the wound.

Finally, despite Brendan himself being very impressed with his perfect Liverpool side with whom he can never, ever (no never?), never! find fault with, it seems he has found a fault that all two readers of the Mill picked up on about 26 years ago – the centre-backs. Out will go Daniel Agger and/or Martin Skrtel and in will come Premier League Diary's Ashley Williams from Brendan himself's former club, Swansea. They say never go back to a former love butit worked the last time Brendan himself did it, right?