All Rise...

Judge Bill Gibron is waiting for a gross-out comedy based on the music of Kajagoogoo.

The Charge

Love and desire…it gets complicated.

The Case

Imagine looking over the pop charts in your native land and deciding that the
current chartoppers, a controversial duo best known for their disposable
Euro-trash dance hooks and faux lesbian attitude, would make the perfect subject
for yet another sour coming of age melodrama. Then decide to push the combo to
the corners so you can highlight a manipulative mess between two fervent female
fans who just can't help but fall in love with each other while fetishizing
their shared combo.

Add in a rogue male, a few sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll riffs, and the
kind of lame local color that only a dreary and drab Russia can provide, and
you've got some idea of what You and I is like. Made nearly five years
ago, when subject band t.A.T.u were a hot Moscow commodity, the ridiculous
Roland Joffe effort (yes, Mr. Killing Fields is responsible for this
mindless mess) has been sitting on a shelf until now. Today, it's as relevant
and entertaining as a Backstreet Boys reunion.

With Lena Katina and Yulia Volkova having called it quits a couple years
ago—yes, t.A.T.u. has officially disbanded—You and I plays
like a dissertation on prog rock just as punk has come to the fore. It's like
taking Lady Gaga and surrounding her superstardom with a sappy, saccharine
morality tale, and then waiting until Ms. Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta
drops out of the limelight before releasing the final results. Of course, the
filmmakers would argue that former band is just a minor part of the dramatic
backdrop. Oh joy.

The main story centers on Russian model wannabe (Mischa Barton, The Sixth Sense) and her newfound love
affair with American t.A.T.u. aficionado Janie (Shantel VanSanten, The Final Destination). For former
eventually falls in with a bad crowd and fends off the advances of a sleazy
impersario (Anton Yelchin, Star Trek),
while the latter is kicked out of her wicked stepmother's apartment and winds up
strung out and homeless. Of course, they have their love of t.A.T.u. to keep
them focused, as well as a desire to write songs for the group. Since this is a
movie, they eventually achieve their goal.

Rarely does a movie miss the mark as many times as You and I. From
the superficial same sex angle (lesbianism, as it was "allegedly" with
t.A.T.u., is just a gimmick) to a level of melodrama that would make Tyler Perry
jealous, there is nothing here to engage us or identify with. While the actors
all try to convince us of their authenticity (Ms. Barton's Rocky and Bullwinkle
level accent aside), we don't really care what happens to them. As Lana falls
further down the post-Soviet rabbit hole, winding up in jail for a wholly absurd
reason, we hope that said subplot is just part of an elaborate joke. Turns out,
all of You and I could play like a prank if it weren't so dour and
serious.

Chalk this up to the involvement of Joffe, who given his track record is
clearly slumming here (well, this and the tired torture porn of Captivity). It's like putting Sir Richard
Attenborough in charge of a Spice Girls romp. Somehow, the inherent artistry of
the man behind the lens combines with the kitschy cheese of the narrative to
create a cinematic landfill. Without any gratuity or real erotic steam, we stuck
with a couple of gals learning life lessons we don't care about. Now that's
cause for celebration, or better yet, outright rejection.

As a DVD, Lionsgate does a decent job. The 2.40:1 image has a polished and
professional feel and the Dolby Digital 5.1 highlights the supposed delights of
t.A.T.u.'s alleged pop sensibilities. For those who care, the dopey dialogue is
easy to understand. As for added content, a trailer gallery is all that's
offered. Indeed, nothing shows faith in your five year old film better than
advertising the other films you can get from a distributor.

Sometimes, a movie deserves its MIA status. You and I may flirt with
some saucy, scandalous issues, but it ends up being as provocative as a revue at
a retirement home. One imagines the elderly being more entertaining,
however.