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Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Michael Moore Interview

Michael Moore is an American icon...for retards. I met up with him recently at a Drag Queen beauty contest where his "wife" was a judge. I asked him (told him) if I could conduct an interview with him. He agreed because he figured hanging out with me would make him look cooler...which it did. The interview went like this:

LBomb - How much do you weigh?Michael Moore - 578 lbs.lb - You're a fat loser.mm - (laughs) Yes.lb - Why are you laughing? I'm serious. (long awkward silence) So who are your political influences?mm - Well, let me see (pauses). I would have to say Madonna, Moby, The Dixie Chicks and maybe Miss Piggy.lb - ...like the muppet?mm - yes.lb - That's appalling.mm - What does appalling mean?lb - Nevermind. So, are you the guy that did that documentary about McDonalds? Cause that wasn't a bad show.mm - No.lb - ...Well, what documentaries did you do then?mm - Bowling for Columbine, Farenheit 9/11...lb - (cuts him off) Did you do any that weren't biased liberal propaganda?mm - ...No...lb - (throws up out of revulsion) Sorry. I accidentally looked at your face.mm - (laughs) That's ok. It happens all the time.lb - So, Benedict, I can call you Benedict can't I? (doesn't wait for answer) When are you going to realize that no one really cares what you think?mm - (thinks) Umm...probably never.lb - It's people like you that make me wish they would abolish the 1st amendment. Do you find it at all ironic that while trying to "unveil the truth" you leave out ENOURMOUS parts of a story in order to fashion an argument that fits your bias? Do you understand that this makes you a hypocrite?mm - Yes.lb - Wouldn't it be funny if some terrorists took your family hostage and the only way to ensure their safety was to rely on the superior firepower of American soldiers?mm - Well...I don't really think it would be funny...lb - I do. Especially if, because of idiots like you, American soldiers were no longer allowed to use firearms and instead had to use their suave negotiating skills. Then, because the terrorists were insane, instead of listening to the americans smooth dialogue and logical arguments, they shot your family and stole your 7 Porches which you bought from being a "classic, blue-collar working man".mm - (crying softly)lb - This interview is done. (slaps Benedict Arnold, I mean Michael Moore, in the face with his notepad and spits in his greasy hair)

Monday, May 23, 2005

Nerds are Hardcore.

There is a subculture in North America that has an undeniable impact on society. You can't be involved in ANY part of life and not be consciously or unconsciously affected by this subculture. This subculture is Nerds. There are different kinds of nerds. Subcultures within a subculture if you will. These Sub-subcultures have many similarities, yet many unique differences. I have found that nerds have their own set of rules.

Nerd Rule #1: Be Hardcore. Don't be a half-assed nerd who goes to a movie and doesn't dress up like the antagonist/protagonist of the movie.

Nerd Rule #2: Hate Other Nerd Factions. ie. If you love Star Wars, you have to hate Lord of the Rings. If you love Freddy Kruger, you have to hate Superman.

Nerd Rule #3: You Are NOT a Nerd. If you are a nerd, you must deny it at all cost. Even if the cost is your firstborn.

There are 8 different kinds of nerds.

#1. The Star Wars Nerd - This is the most common nerd. These nerds are everywhere. EVERYWHERE. There is a 100% chance that someone you know or love dearly is a Star Wars Nerd. These people know what Jabba the Hut is saying without subtitles. They can repeat R2-D2's dialogue blip-for-blip. Outside of Star Wars conventions, it can be difficult to discern this type of nerd from a normal person...until another episode of Star Wars comes out/George Lucas does anything. Like wipes his ass.

#2. Lord of the Rings Nerd - These nerds worship J.R.R. Tolkien. They call each other on the phone and speak elvin. They also hate Star Wars and think that they are infinitely cooler than the Star Wars Nerd. They are not.

#3. Sports Nerd - These nerds are at the top of the nerd hierarchy. They are revered and respected by all nerds and are the nerd equivalent of a jock. These nerds were never good at sports, but were so enraptured by the idea of being cool that they took to learning everything there is to know about every sport. This nerd can tell you who won the Stanley Cup in 1923. They can quote word-for-word Michael Jordan's retirement speech. They can give you Ty Cobb's lifetime stats. They own season tickets to the Green Bay Packers/San Francisco 49ers/Saskatchewan Roughriders. They ALWAYS wear a sports jersey of an obscure NBA player.

#4. D&D Nerd (Dungeons and Dragons) - If you ever find one of these nerds, you will find 10 more of them within a 4 metre radius. These nerds have dice with more than 6 sides on them in their pockets at all times. After school/work, they drive their Ford Taurus' to the "Dungeon Master's" house and play stratego for no less than 10 hours.

#5. Comic Book/Superhero Nerd - This nerd has one AND ONLY ONE comic book/superhero that he is intensely loyal to. They know every tidbit of information there is to know about their specific hero. They have lengthy debates over whether or not Spawn could bannish Superman to hell and whether Robin is JUST Batman's sidekick. They have a room(s) in their home(s)/mothers basement dedicated to their comic book hero.

#6. Horror Movie Nerd - This nerd knows how many people die in Freddy vs. Jason and think The Blair Witch Project was a breakthrough in cinematography. They ALWAYS dress up on halloween as the killer from Scream and when the don't win the Best Costume Award, they insist on asking you what your favorite scary movie is in their best "psychopathic killer" voice.

#7. Computer Nerd - This nerd ALWAYS works at a computer store as a salesman or technician, but goes home at night, logs on to hackers.com and uses the username ~IamHax0RGoD~. They never type full words, using "r" and "u" as much as possible.

#8. Gamer Nerd - This nerd owns ALL THE GAMING CONSOLES. ALL OF THEM. They also have lists of their top 10 favorite games which usually include 9 Role Playing Games and Halo. If you know what I'm talking about when I say "Skate or Die", you might be this nerd.

Hints to spotting a nerd:- has nerdy glasses- wears jeans which are 2 sizes too small- is wearing a black Pantera/Megadeath/Alice Cooper T-shirt- has long, unwashed hair- owns a trenchcoat

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Queen Latifah is awful

I hate Queen Latifah. She is stupid and ugly. I was forced to watch Barbershop 2 at werk tonight and the film starts out with a trailer for "Beauty Shop". It starts out with a closeup of a black woman's skin and some black woman saying something like "Do you like your hair (closeup of hair)? Do you like your skin (closeup of skin)? Or do you like (pan out to show that you were just ogling Queen Latifah) sass?" I then threw up.

For the record, I do like hair. I also like skin. I don't even mind a little bit of sass (as long as the girl knows her role). But Queen Latifah almost ruined heterosexuality for me that night.

Here is my synopsis of her last 8 movies followed by a general rating scale.

The Cookout - Some black people go to a cookout. Queen Latifah makes John Leguizamo look funny.Overall rating - F

Barbershop 2: Back in Business - Some black people own a Barber Shop and you can't understand a work they say without subtitles. Queen Latifah is sassy.Overall rating - F

Scary Movie 3 - Some people think Queen Latifah is funny and decide to put her in a movie which spoofs other movies. People from the ages of 12-15 think this movie is outrageously hilarious.Overall rating - F

Bringing Down the House - Steve Martin makes an awful comeback to stardom. Queen Latifah plays a hardnosed con. She sucks at it.Overall rating - F

Phalanges are overrated

Ya. I know what you're all thinking: "but, Lbomb, fingers help u type, LOL :)". "If u didn't have ne fingers, how could u make ichiban??? LOL???". So before you post any comments, let me present my case.

First, fingers get hurt too easily. Who hasn't broken a finger? Who hasn't cut most of their thumb off with a router (that's for you, werk friends)? The worst part about it is that you can't even function without ALL of your fingers werking properly. If 1 finger is out of commission, you can't do anything. Try writing with your index finger broken. Impossible.

Secondly, you can't even move your ring finger independantly from your pinkie finger. That is so worthless. The ring finger is the bitch sister of the hand. It can't do anything on it's own and just tries to mimick the "cooler" fingers.

If you think fingers are cool, you are incorrect. They are not cool and they are not OK. If I wasn't a huge sissy I would just cut all mine off and use my teeth for everything. Like scratching my back.

Don't even get me started on toes. They're worse than fingers only with less mobility and expectations. No one needs you to pop the top of a bottle with your toes.