[pace1.cts.mtu.edu]
Login name: caadalin In real life: Please kill me...
Directory: /home2/pace1.cts/caadalin Shell: /bin/csh
Last login Tue Mar 7 14:30 on ttyq3 from pacepc58.cts.mtu
New mail received Wed Mar 8 15:41:15 1995;
unread since Tue Mar 7 21:49:14 1995
Project: Evil was last seen Tue, Mar 7 at 18:04 EST on pace1.cts.
Plan:
You know when you were little, and your mother would comfort you by saying:
"That's only shadows. There's no boogie man." She was wrong. True I am a
shadow; always at your heels.
Enter the darkness.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ro shite ko nashi.
(working hard and accomplishing nothing)
-Ancient Zen koan
*******************************************************************************
Snow Chao Cabal phone list:
Shadow Dancer 487-yoop
Henry's Keeper (810)373-1004
H. Frosh (810)736-3294
Carson 487-3636 (Triangle) (63.3% pure on the 1000)
Mr. _ 482-5621
Zerby 487-0899 (66.1% pure on the 1000)
Kiwi (810)655-8338 (63.5% pure on the 1000)
GCS -d+(?) P(--) c++(++++) !l(l) u+ e+ m+@ s/++ n+ h(*) f++ g+ w++ t+(+++)
r+(++) !y(*)
-------------------
Nate (616)892-5011 (medium tech)
(616)895-4181 (low tech)
Nathan G. Mitchell
8671 Buchanan Street
West Olive, MI 49460
-------------------
Evil It-Cools (don't ask me, that's all it spells)
GCS/GU/GAT d? p c++++ l+(++) u++ e+(*) m* s++/+ n---@ h f+ g+ w+++ t+++@ r y+*
-------------------
PeeWee (810)650-2327 (40.9% pure on the 1500)
GM/CS/O d--- p c++ l(+) u+ e- m--- s+/- !n f+ !g w+++ t+ r+ x+(**)
-------------------
The Eyes 524-5392 or 487-2399(ROTC lounge)
The Butt ???-???? (64% on some test...)
Ray 487-0941 (96.1% pure on the 1000)
The Nips 482-3342 (47.8% pure on the 1000)
Jen 482-3342 (42.1% pure on the 1000)
Mattie 482-8144 or 482-6657 (33.4% on the 500)
Mistress 487-0772
-------------------
Friar Tuck 482-0389 or 487-3063
GAT d- H s g+++>! a?@ p4>! C++(++++) l+ US+++>$ P+++>++++ L>++ 3+ E--- N++(!) K-
W--- M-- V-- -po+(---) Y+>++ t+(---) !5 j R G+ tv b D+ B--- e+* u+(*)@ n++(-)@
h+(*) f+(?) r-(*) !au>* w+++ v+(*)>! t+ y?(*)
-------------------
Mikey:GCS d-- -p+ c++(++++) l u+(++) e*(+) m* !n(+) h*(++) f+ !g w+ t(+) r(+) y?
Guido 482-0976 (49.8% pure on the 1000)
*******************************************************************************
"Can't you find any normal people to play with????" Momma __ (honorary member)
*******************************************************************************
It seems my plan is well recieved...
From sisurfer@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu Sun Sep 25 13:29:57 1994
From: Jesse Rodriguez
Subject: Haha.
To: jwright@nyx10.cs.du.edu
I was bored, sitting here, not studying for a Russian test I have.. anyway,
I'm poking around r.a.b. and read something from you and get annoyed at
reading your .sig, but since I really don't wanna study, I might as well do
that. I then finger caadalin@pace1.cts.mtu.edu.. and damnit, I have one
360,488 byte file to read now, instead of studying russian, like I should
be doing. If I fail this test I want you to know that it is all your fault.
Really. I have no control in this matter. MUST READ.
-----------------------
If anyone else has comments or submissions mail caadalin@mtu.edu...
and thank you for your support.
*******************************************************************************
THE OMNISEX UNISEXUAL
P U R I T Y T E S T
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Version 5.2 (1000)
Final Release
15-Sept-1992
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Instructions for Use:
This is a very long test consisting of 1000 questions. It starts
out tame and gets progressively worse (or better, depending on your
viewpoint). There are many ways of going about taking this test. You can,
of course, as your right, guaranteed by the Constitution, be anti-social
and sequester yourself in your room and take this test all by yourself;
however, we feel that the funnest way to utilize is to hold a Purity /test
Party. All you need is one copy of the test, and a bunch of friends. (Lots
of writing implements and paper would be useful too.) The person with the
copy of the test is the test administrator; he/she reads the questions out
loud and everybody else writes down their answers. We have no definite
rules as to whether the participants are required to divulge their answers;
that is up to the group to decide. However, each person's purity score
should be made common knowledge. (The person with the lowest score
gets to be giggled at for the rest of his/her life.) This works great at
parties and lets everyone know who's easy and who isn't, so you'll know
who to go home with. Don't leave home without it.
Definitions:
All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened to
you subsequent to your weaning and babyhood/infancy. Anything that may
have happened before that time is considered not standing and void.
Also, for the section of the test which involves animals, humans
(although they really are animals) do not count.
The term mutual masturbation refers to someone masturbating you
AND/OR you masturbating someone else, not exclusively both at the same time.
Necking is the kissing or stroking of a person's head or neck.
Petting is that plus the caressing or fondling of other portions of anatomy;
through or underneath clothing.
We would also like to define having sex in the homosexual case;
homosexual sex has occurred when both partners are of the same sex and one
partner has an orgasm while there is some contact between the genitals of
both partners.
We would now like to bring to your attention that there is no
passing nor failing score. Therefore, one really shouldn't worry too much
about getting a high score... even if you do get giggled at for the rest of
your life.
---ALL TECHNICALITIES COUNT---
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Section 1: The Virgin Stuff.
Have you ever done any of the following:
1. hugged somebody?
2. kissed a friend or stranger as a friendly gesture?
3. stolen a kiss?
4. kissed and told?
5. held hands with someone?
6. been on a date?
7. been on a date that lasted until after one a. m. the next morning?
8. gone to a scary movie as an excuse to get close to someone?
9. stood someone up?
10. been stood up?
11. dated someone on a regular basis?
12. gone steady?
13. slow danced?
14. slam danced?
15. copped a feel while slow dancing?
16. had the symptoms of Russian fingers (rushin' fingers)?
17. had the symptoms of Roman hands (roamin' hands)?
18. played doctor?
19. french kissed?
20. necked?
21. been interrupted by the police while necking (were they more
embarrassed than you were)?
22. directly asked someone whom you were not going out with and had never
gone out with if they were a virgin?
23. told somebody something "for their own good"?
24. flirted?
25. flirted with someone who was related to you? (sister, cousin, in-law,
etc.)
26. hit on someone even though they were engaged, married, or
otherwise taken?
27. used physical strength, physical power, or any physical prowess, or
prowesslessness as a factor in pick-up, get-to-know-you-better routine?
28. used tickling as a pick-up, get-to-know-you-better-routine?
29. been picked up?
30. picked someone up?
31. picked up sailors (marines, soldiers)?
32. affected an accent to aid pickup lines?
33. secretly lusted after someone without that person knowing?
34. dropped subtle hints to someone you liked/loved/wanted, hoping that
they would pick up on it?
35. written anonymous "love letters" to someone? (secret admirer, etc.
That is, dropped some not-so-subtle hints)
36. bundled (shared a bed, sleeping bag, or sleeping accommodations with
someone of your prefered sex without anything steamy happening)?
37. broken your word, promise, or vow?
38. told someone that you loved them when you did not?
39. told someone that you loved them strictly because you wanted to have
sex with them?
40. lied to someone at someone else's request?
41. lied about your sexual preference in order to avoid a date?
42. done something that you don't want someone to know about (parents,
employer, boy/girlfriend, spouse, roommate)?
43. done something that you are too embarrassed to talk about?
44. played footsie or 'kneesie'?
45. played footsie or 'kneesie' with someone not your date, significant
other or spouse?
46. attempted to corrupt someone's morals?
47. attempted to corrupt someone's morals and discover it is too late?
48. questioned someone about their sex life when they were incapable of not
answering (e. g. they were truly wasted, or talking in their sleep)?
49. questioned a significant other about their sex life when they were
incapable of not answering?
50. used whatever they said against them?
51. been told that you were/are a bore?
52. been bar hopping?
53. been to a cocktail party?
54. slept in your undies?
55. slept in the nude?
56. slept in class or while on watch?
57. disturbed others by snoring? (classroom, business meeting, etc.)
58. photocopied parts of your body? (face, hands, feet)
59. photocopied personal portions of your anatomy (tits, ass or genitals)?
60. given your kids unusual names (Shanda Lear, Laurel Ann Hardy, Dweezle)?
61. dyed your hair an outrageous color (deliberately)?
62. shaved your head?
63. uttered/muttered/yelled/screamed (or in other words, verbally expressed)
obscenities?
64. used 'fuck' or 'shit' as a noun, adverb, adjective, pronoun, infix,
suffix, prefix or prepositional article in a sentence?
65. cussed in your sleep?
66. ever been reprimanded (punished) for verbally expressing obscenities?
67. skipped class or work?
68. skipped class/work with teacher/boss?
69. been in military service?
70. made an unregistered explosive device (a bomb)?
71. used an unregistered explosive device?
72. gossiped?
73. written graffiti?
74. plagiarized?
75. shoplifted?
76. stolen?
77. traded on inside information?
78. attempted to commit suicide?
79. had a fake id?
80. made fake id?
81. sent a chain letter?
82. started a chain letter?
83. made or acquired 'elint' (electronic intelligence) equipment (bugs)?
84. installed or used 'elint' equipment (wiretaps, tape recorders, etc.)?
85. removed the tag that says "do not remove under penalty of law"?
86. rode public transportation w/o paying?
87. pistol whipped someone?
88. carried concealed weapons?
89. evaded taxes?
90. evaded custom duties by not declaring something subject to a duty or
tax?
91. driven over the legal speed limit?
92. drag raced (on the street)?
93. driven without a license?
94. bought or sold anything on a black market?
95. used bootleg/pirated/underground software?
96. plotted felony?
97. been a pool, card or chess shark?
98. incited a riot?
99. plotted a coup (civic class doesn't count)?
100. committed sedition (plotting to overthrow the government)?
101. committed treason?
102. looted, pillaged, plundered, or burned (The Barbarian Pentathlon;
Barbarians can't count)?
103. made out a check that bounced?
104. welshed on a bet or wager?
105. offered sexual favors as payoff for a wager?
106. offered another's sexual favors as payoff for your wager?
107. used someone else's credit card without their knowledge and/or
consent?
108. committed breaking and entering?
109. seen a snuff film?
110. plotted conspiracy?
111. plotted to murder someone?
112. committed murder?
113. been arrested (Picture taken and all that wonderful, free stuff?)
114. read someone else's diary without their knowledge and/or consent?
115. searched someone else's room without their knowledge and or consent?
116. hired someone more for their looks?
117. been attracted to someone more by an article of their clothing than by
their body?
118. asked someone to wear a particular article of clothing not because it
was 'sexy' but because it turned you on?
119. worn clothing that was "revealing" (either of your figure, or that
emphasized 'strategic' locations)?
120. worn clothing that you didn't know was THAT revealing (like the seat
has ripped out or such)?
121. gone for more than one day in the same set of underwear?
122. been in public without wearing underwear?
123. disrobed in public?
124. been a member of a nude colony?
125. been to a nude beach?
126. sunned your buns or tanned your can?
127. walked around your room/apartment/house/habitation in the nude?
(Must be a serious walk; five minutes of going around trying to find
your undies after a shower doesn't count.)
128. walked around in a public or semi-public area with a top (shirt,
T-shirt, etc.) but no bottoms (pants, shorts, etc.)? (Dorm hallways,
lobby areas, etc. are acceptable; however, locker rooms, bathrooms,
and such places where this behavior is acceptable do not count.)
129. mooned somebody?
130. mooned or flashed someone from the front?
131. streaked, flashed, or otherwise exposed pretty much totally yourself in
public before an informal, unofficial gathering of people?
132. streaked, flashed, or otherwise exposed pretty much totally yourself in
public before a formal (official) gathering of people? (Such as for a
function, stage performance, charity dinner, etc.?)
133. posed nude or semi nude for private drawings, paintings or photographs
as a 'favor'?
134. posed nude or semi nude in public (e. g. art classes) as a 'favor'?
135. posed as a model for purposes of erotic, pornographic or sexually
explicit art?
136. asked someone to pose nude or semi nude for private drawings, paintings
or photographs as a 'favor'?
137. asked someone to pose nude or semi nude in public (e. g. art classes)
as a 'favor'?
138. asked someone to pose for erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit art
or photographs?
139. served cheap booze?
140. passed cheap booze as the expensive stuff?
141. fed someone dogfood?
142. eaten dogfood?
143. not paid your library fines?
144. instigated a raid (panty or otherwise)?
145. watched Benny Hill, Monty Python, Dr. Ruth, Donahue, Geraldo or Oprah?
146. watched primetime soaps?
147. been to a bar?
148. been to a gay bar?
149. been to a leather/biker bar?
150. been in or started a food fight?
151. started a fight?
152. started a bar fight?
153. started a brawl?
154. been to a rock concert?
155. been to a heavy metal concert?
156. listened to acid rock?
157. listened to acid rock while on acid?
158. been a groupie?
159. been a roadie?
160. thought about starting a band to meet groupies?
161. thought about starting a band to get good dope?
162. told someone you were with the band?
163. told someone you were with the band, and it worked?
164. played records backwards to hear the secret messages?
165. found the secret message recorded backwards on an album?
166. sung dirty songs, the kind with no subtlety in the lyrics (e.g. Let's
get drunk and Screw)?
167. been sad because someone you knew was getting married?
168. been sad because someone you knew was getting married and now you'd
never get to sleep with them?
169. wanted something or someone that someone else has, simply because they
have it and you don't (coveted)?
170. helped to cover for someone's escapades (provide alibi, accommodations,
opportunity)?
171. been besieged by someone who thought they could satisfy you and make an
honest person of you?
172. been nicknamed for a behavior pattern of yours ('Sleepy')?
173. been nicknamed for an aberrant behavior pattern of yours ('Sleazy',
'Sickling')?
174. had your ears pierced?
175. pierced someone else's ears?
176. worn body paint?
177. worn obscene or suggestive t-shirts?
178. worn t-shirts with obscene or graphic messages in a language you didn't
read?
179. been to a funeral as a form of entertainment (ala Harold of "Harold &
Maude")?
Section 2: Auto-erotica and Mono-sexualism.
180. been overcome by celibacy and didn't like it?
181. entered a bathroom of the opposite sex, unaccompanied by someone of the
opposite sex, while not involved in a search and/or rescue mission?
182. do you have a tattoo?
183. do you have an 'obscene' tattoo (words or pictures)?
184. do you have a tattoo normally concealed by your clothing (George Shultz
has a tiger on his butt)?
185. do you have a tattoo in an intimate location?
186. do you have a tattoo normally concealed by your pubic hair?
187. pissed on an electric fence?
188. used an inflatable doll?
189. humped an inanimate object like a pillow, (dinner) liver, hole in the
wall, sausage, banana, etc.?
190. had sex with a dead person?
191. given oral sex to a dead person?
192. bought or made a codpiece or padded bra?
193. worn a codpiece or padded bra? (i.e. stuffed your bra if you are female;
stuffed your pants if you are male)
194. stolen the underwear of someone you knew, for a purpose other than
that of a practical joke or to just ire the person? (A bunch of
guys invading the women's dorm on a mission of panty raids does not
count.)
195. intentionally taken someone's underwear and didn't know who it belonged
to?
196. owned an underwear collection of underwear not belonging to you?
197. bought lingerie/undergarments of the opposite sex?
198. cross-dressed in the *undergarments* of the opposite sex for a sexual
purpose? (This means that school plays, initiations, and the like don't
count)
199. cross-dressed in the *undergarments* of the opposite sex for a sexual
purpose in the presence of 1 or more other people? (Plays and the like
still don't count-this is for a sexual purpose)
200. stuffed your pants or bra while cross-dressed for your sexual purpose?
201. worn any groinal underwear on your head? (Panties, jock-strap, etc.)
202. eaten, sucked, licked, nibbled, or otherwise inserted used, unwashed
piece of groinal underwear into your mouth while said underwear was
not being worn?
203. deliberately sniffed or smelled a used, unwashed piece of groinal
underwear while it was not being worn at the time?
204. been gagged with someone's underwear? (not your own)
205. had your head inserted into a urinal or toilet bowl willingly? (Doing
this in a pristine, show-room model doesn't count)
206. played in or with shit?
207. willingly urinated on the garments that you were wearing at the time?
(In other words: piss in your pants; wet yourself; had an accident.)
208. willingly urinated on any part of your body?
209. urinated in a cup, bottle, or pitcher or any such receptacle that was
not originally designed for such purpose? Urinalysis incidents
don't count.
210. urinated anywhere other than a bathroom, outhouse, tree, bush or any
commonly accepted piss hole? (in the kitchen sink, in the glove
compartment of the family car...)
211. urinated from higher that the fifth floor or equivalent height, above
ground level, out of a building, or off a bridge or any such permanent
structure? (e.g. the Grand Canyon)
212. willingly defecated on the garments that you were wearing at the time?
(In other words: shit in your pants; had a serious accident.)
213. willingly defecated on yourself?
214. defecated anywhere other than a bathroom, outhouse, or any commonly
accepted shit hole? (Camping/hiking trips in which bathroom/outhouse
access is nil do not count)
215. stored any excreta in a refrigerator, oven, or any food storage/
preparation appliance?
216. stored evacuated excreta anywhere else in your room, apartment, house,
habitation, office, etc.?
217. scratched and sniffed any erotic catalog?
218. had an arousing dream? (Wet dreams and the like.)
219. read or bought pornographic periodicals?
220. read or bought pornographic material that might be described as really
gross or kinky?
221. had a subscription to pornographic periodicals? ('Sickos', alt.sex)
222. written erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit literature (lust
letters count)?
223. had any story or fantasy you wrote published in any pornographic
periodical? ('Sickos' and alt.sex are porno. periodicals)
224. read any sexually explicit literature?
225. read classic pornographic books (Candy, Fanny Hill, Naked Came the
Stranger)?
226. been bored while reading erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit
literature?
227. misspelled 'dirty' words, or misspelled other words as 'dirty' words?
228. read any sex manuals (e. g. Joy of Sex, Everything you always wanted to
Know about Sex)?
229. read anything by the Marquis de Sade?
230. read the Kama Sutra?
231. underlined or marked the 'dirty' parts of any literature?
232. made an obscene phone call anonymously (to someone you didn't know)?
233. received an anonymous obscene phone call?
234. phoned up any recorded phone sex numbers? (e.g. (212)976-2626,
(212)976-2727, (212)976-2828, etc. Please note that these are fifty
cent calls in addition to toll charges and long distance charges.)
235. called any live sex numbers?
236. recorded an obscene call for later playback?
237. fantasized about your long-term instructor, mentor, or someone who is
superior to you? (One day skydiving teachers, or two hour ski
instructors and the such do not count.)
238. fantasized about your lawyer, doctor, nurse, psychiatrist, or someone
with whom you are having a professional relationship?
239. fantasized about someone you know personally but not closely?
240. masturbated?
241. fantasized about anyone and masturbated at the same time?
242. fantasized while masturbating that you were of the opposite sex?
243. written down your own stories or fantasies for masturbatory purposes?
244. masturbated more than four times in 24 hours?
245. masturbated on a regular basis (more than once a week)?
246. masturbated to orgasm?
247. masturbated while reading either pornographic or sexually explicit
materials?
248. masturbated while reading a (non-sexually explicit) textbook?
249. masturbated while watching an R or X rated movie in private (cable,
videotape, or film)?
250. masturbated while watching an R or X rated movie in public (a theater)?
251. masturbated where you could have been discovered? (In a crowd, in
public, city parks, gym/dorm/barrack showers, movie theater, etc.)
252. masturbated in the wilds or in nature with no nearby civilization?
253. masturbated while driving a *moving* land vehicle? (car, RV, truck,
motorcycle, hearse, etc.)
254. masturbated while on the phone? (No kinky interpretations of "on the
phone." This is legit.)
255. masturbated while in a bathroom of the opposite sex?
256. masturbated using aid of food?
257. eaten the food used in masturbation after masturbation?
258. used a mechanical hand-holdable device in aiding or replacing
masturbation? (Vibrator, massager, Dust-Buster, vacuum cleaner, etc.)
259. used a bowling pin, Coke[tm] bottle, or something along those general
shapes for masturbatory or sexual purposes?
260. been "caught" masturbating?
261. been afraid you were slipping into monogamy?
262. practiced autoerotic asphyxia (oxygen deprivation for sexual
enhancement)?
263. received an enema for a purpose other than that of medical?
264. received an enema consisting of a non-normal enema solution (wine, beer,
urine, windex)?
265. wished you were a homosexual of the opposite sex?
266. wished you were a heterosexual of the opposite sex?
267. had a friend of the opposite sex that you traded clothes with?
268. had a sex change operation?
269. gone skinny dipping alone?
270. shaved your genital pubic hair?
271. shaved your genital pubic hair on a fairly regular basis?
272. colored or bleached your genital pubic hair?
273. shaved or shaped your genital pubic hair in a particular design?
(moons, hearts, diamonds, clovers, etc.)
274. bought blatant sexual objects? (This means that if you buy a bottle
of Coke[tm] and use it as a dildo, it really doesn't count.
Think: design and function.)
275. Owned any erotic art pieces? (Like that phallic symbol in the catwoman
scene in "A Clockwork Orange.")
276. sculpted erotic/obscene artworks in food? (bananas, carrots, apples...)
277. eaten any erotic food items? (Chocolate tits, banana dicks, etc.)
278. sculpted erotic-obscene artworks in soap, wood, or any other carveable
material that isn't food?
279. made an X or R-Rated snowman or snowwoman?
280. inserted your finger into your rectum?
281. used ben-wa balls or anal beads? (ben-wa balls: a pair of small,
usually metal, balls which are placed into the vagina or anus and
are supposed to feel good as they move around. Anal beads: a
string of beads inserted into the anus which is supposed to feel
good as it is pulled out.)
282. given ben-wa balls, a vibrator, or other sex toy?
283. received ben-wa balls, a vibrator, or other sex toy?
284. performed oral sex on yourself? (yes, this is possible for most
males, and even some females.)
Section 3: Male Relations.
All of the following questions refer to what you have done with a male.
285. held hands, kissed, or otherwise displayed public affection with a man?
286. been propositioned by a man for necking or petting?
287. been propositioned by a man for any sexual practice?
288. been pinched or patted on the buttocks by a man?
289. been kissed below the neck, but not on the hands and arms?
290. received a hickey (or had the attempt if you are hard to get)?
291. received a hickey in an intimate location? (upper, inner thigh counts)
292. received scratch marks or nail marks?
293. been bitten or nibbled upon?
294. been bitten in an intimate location?
295. had a man fondle or stroke your clothed legs?
296. had a man fondle or stroke your clothed body?
297. had a man stroke or fondle your clothed breast or nipples?
298. had a man pet, stroke, fondle or otherwise handle your covered
genitals?
299. had a man fondle or stroke your bare legs?
300. had a man fondle or stroke your bare body?
301. had a man stroke or fondle your bare breast or nipples?
302. had a man pet, stroke, fondle or otherwise handle your bare genitals?
303. propositioned a man for necking or petting?
304. propositioned a man for any sexual practice?
305. pinched or patted a man's buttocks?
306. kissed a man below the neck, but not on the hands and arms?
307. petted above the waist?
308. petted below the waist?
309. given a hickey?
310. given a hickey in an intimate location? (upper, inner thigh counts)
311. left scratches or nail marks?
312. left teeth marks?
313. left teeth marks in an intimate location?
314. fondled or stroked a man's clothed legs?
315. fondled or stroked a man's clothed body?
316. stroked or fondled a man's clothed breast or nipple?
317. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled a man's covered
genitals?
318. fondled or stroked a man's bare legs?
319. fondled or stroked a man's bare body?
320. stroked or fondled a man's bare breast or nipple?
321. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled a man's bare genitals?
322. been involved with pelvic thrusting while clothed?
323. had you fingers licked or sucked?
324. licked or sucked a man's fingers?
325. had your ear, or ear region licked, breathed upon, sucked or nibbled?
326. licked, breathed onto, sucked or nibbled a man's ear or ear region?
327. fondled a man who was asleep?
328. woken up being fondled?
329. had sex with a man who was asleep and he didn't wake up?
330. had sex with a man who was asleep and he did wake up?
331. slept through sexual activity (him doing it to you)?
332. woken up in the midst of a man having sexual activity with you?
333. given a man a backrub or massage with no ulterior motives?
334. given a man a backrub or massage with ulterior motives?
335. given a man backrub or massage with ulterior motives and it worked?
336. been petted to orgasm?
337. petted to orgasm?
338. given oral sex to a man?
339. gagged when he came in your mouth?
340. received oral sex?
341. performed mutual oral sex ('69')?
342. performed mutual masturbation?
343. watched while a man masturbated?
344. had a man watch while you masturbated?
345. orgasmed in or on him?
346. had him orgasm in you?
347. had him orgasm on you?
348. kissed a man (or boy) on a first date?
349. necked with a man (or boy) on a first date?
350. petted with a man (or boy) on a first date?
351. had oral sex on a first date?
352. given oral sex on a first date?
353. had sex on a first date?
354. had oral sex instead of intercourse?
355. been seen naked under good lighting by a man (note: nude is expected
(e. g. in a shower room or at a nude beach), naked is when you didn't
expect to be seen (e. g. in the bathroom). )?
356. seen a man naked under good lighting?
357. undressed under good lighting, knowing a man was watching you?
358. been unable to be in a man's company while both of you were nude
without anything steamy happening?
359. bathed or showered with a man?
360. let a man wash you when you were perfectly capable of doing it
yourself?
361. washed a man who was perfectly capable of washing himself?
362. had sex while in the shower?
363. had sex while taking a bath?
364. had sex with a virgin (not yourself)?
365. drawn blood by scratching during sex?
366. drawn blood by biting during sex? (hickeys do not count as having
drawn blood)
367. bled from his scratching during sex?
368. bled from his biting during sex? (again, hickeys do not count)
Section 4: Female Relations.
All of the following questions refer to what you have done with a female.
369. held hands, kissed, or otherwise displayed public affection with a
woman?
370. been propositioned by a woman for necking or petting?
371. been propositioned by a woman for any sexual practice?
372. been pinched or patted on the buttocks by a woman?
373. been kissed below the neck, but not on the hands and arms?
374. received a hickey (or had the attempt if you are hard to get)?
375. received a hickey in an intimate location? (upper, inner thigh counts)
376. received scratch marks or nail marks?
377. been bitten or nibbled upon?
378. been bitten in an intimate location?
379. had a woman fondle or stroke your clothed legs?
380. had a woman fondle or stroke your clothed body?
381. had a woman stroke or fondle your clothed breast or nipples?
382. had a woman pet, stroke, fondle or otherwise handle your covered
genitals?
383. had a woman fondle or stroke your bare legs?
384. had a woman fondle or stroke your bare body?
385. had a woman stroke or fondle your bare breast or nipples?
386. had a woman pet, stroke, fondle or otherwise handle your bare genitals?
387. propositioned a woman for necking or petting?
388. propositioned a woman for any sexual practice?
389. pinched or patted a woman's buttocks?
390. kissed a woman below the neck, but not on the hands and arms?
391. petted above the waist?
392. petted below the waist?
393. given a hickey?
394. given a hickey in an intimate location? (upper, inner thigh counts)
395. left scratches or nail marks?
396. left teeth marks?
397. left teeth marks in an intimate location?
398. fondled or stroked a woman's clothed legs?
399. fondled or stroked a woman's clothed body?
400. stroked or fondled a woman's clothed breast or nipple?
401. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled a woman's covered
genitals?
402. fondled or stroked a woman's bare legs?
403. fondled or stroked a woman's bare body?
404. stroked or fondled a woman's bare breast or nipple?
405. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled a woman's bare genitals?
406. been involved with pelvic thrusting while clothed?
407. had you fingers licked or sucked?
408. licked or sucked a woman's fingers?
409. had your ear, or ear region licked, breathed upon, sucked or nibbled?
410. licked, breathed onto, sucked or nibbled a woman's ear or ear region?
411. fondled a woman who was asleep?
412. woken up being fondled?
413. had sex with a woman who was asleep and she didn't wake up?
414. had sex with a woman who was asleep and she did wake up?
415. slept through sexual activity (her doing it to you)?
416. woken up in the midst of a woman having sexual activity with you?
417. given a woman a backrub or massage with no ulterior motives?
418. given a woman a backrub or massage with ulterior motives?
419. given a woman backrub or massage with ulterior motives and it worked?
420. been petted to orgasm?
421. petted to orgasm?
422. given oral sex to a woman?
423. gagged when she came? (a non-tasty treat)
424. received oral sex?
425. performed mutual oral sex ('69')?
426. performed mutual masturbation?
427. watched while a woman masturbated?
428. had a woman watch while you masturbated?
429. orgasmed in her?
430. orgasmed on her?
431. had her orgasm in or on you?
432. kissed a woman (or girl) on a first date?
433. necked with a woman (or girl) on a first date?
434. petted with a woman (or girl) on a first date?
435. had oral sex on a first date?
436. given oral sex on a first date?
437. had sex on a first date?
438. had oral sex instead of intercourse?
439. been seen naked under good lighting by a woman (note: nude is expected
(e. g. in a shower room or at a nude beach), naked is when you didn't
expect to be seen (e. g. in the bathroom). )?
440. seen a woman naked under good lighting?
441. undressed under good lighting, knowing a woman was watching you?
442. been unable to be in a woman's company while both of you were nude
without anything steamy happening?
443. bathed or showered with a woman?
444. let a woman wash you when you were perfectly capable of doing it
yourself?
445. washed a woman who was perfectly capable of washing herself?
446. had sex while in the shower?
447. had sex while taking a bath?
448. had sex with a virgin (not yourself)?
449. drawn blood by scratching during sex?
450. drawn blood by biting during sex? (hickeys do not count as having
drawn blood)
451. bled from her scratching during sex?
452. bled from her biting during sex? (again, hickeys do not count)
Section 5: Group Relations.
453. administered a whole Purity Test or are in the process of administering
a whole Purity Test of any version? (That's where you are the test
administrator in a Purity Test Party. See "Instructions for Use" for
further information.)
454. taken Purity Tests of any version more than 5 times?
455. lied on any previous Purity Tests?
456. had an unauthorized crib sheet for a test?
457. been jealous of someone else's Purity Test score?
458. been impressed by someone else's Purity Test score?
459. become interested in someone only after hearing their Purity Test score?
460. used the Purity Test as a checklist of things you could do?
461. ever done something for the sole purpose of lowering your Purity Test
score?
462. participated in Purity Testing with an ulterior motive?
463. exaggerated about any sexual experiences?
464. taken someone someplace to be seen in their company?
465. taken someone someplace to be seen in their company by someone in
particular?
466. worn specific clothes for the purpose of hiding hickeys? (i.e.,
turtlenecks)?
467. gone to (or escorted someone to) a Planned Parenthood Clinic? (for an
exam, to obtain birth control pills, diaphragm,etc.)
468. been a member of a fraternity or sorority?
469. picked your nose in public?
470. farted (audibly) in mixed company?
471. listened to dirty jokes in mixed company?
472. told dirty jokes in mixed company?
473. hot tubbed in mixed company? (jacuzzi or hydropool)
474. hot tubbed in the nude?
475. hot tubbed in the nude in mixed company?
476. been groped under the water while hot tubbing?
477. groped someone under the water while hot tubbing?
478. saunaed or steam bathed in mixed company?
479. saunaed or steam bathed in the nude?
480. saunaed or steam bathed in the nude in mixed company?
481. gone skinny dipping in mixed company?
482. put suntan lotion, cocoa butter, or baby oil on someone? (not
necessarily at a beach or pool...)
483. had someone put suntan lotion, cocoa butter, or baby oil on you?
484. discussed masturbation? (Bringing up the topic of masturbation during
the Purity Test does not cut it as discussed masturbation.)
485. been a participant in a Who's-Physically-Better-Equipped verification
contest? (Contestants must be of the same gender; spectators, judges,
umpires, and verifiers may be of different genders.)
486. been a judge in a contest such as above?
487. played post office (or other kissing game)?
488. played pony express (post office with more horsing around)?
489. played a game in which it may require you or others to disrobe?
490. deliberately lost a game which required the removal of clothing
(folding with four aces)?
491. played a game in which it may require you or others to perform an
action on another participant? (Truth-or-Dare)
492. played naked Twister[tm] (with or without oil)?
493. been in intimate contact with more than one person at the same time
while all of you were nude?
494. had oral sex with more than 10 people? (not necessarily at one time)
495. had sex with more than 10 people? (not necessarily at one time)
496. had sex with more than 1 person in a 24 hour period?
497. had sex with both genders in a 24 hour period?
498. been in a menage-a-trios with all members of the same sex?
499. been in a menage-a-trios with at least one person of the opposite sex?
500. had sex or oral sex with a person and his/her parent? (not necessarily
at the same time.)
501. had sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation, necking, or petting with a
person and his/her sibling? (not necessarily at the same time)
502. been involved in a two (or more) in one? (oral & anal or vaginal & anal
counts. But no fingers-we're talking the real thing here.)
503. been involved in a gang bang? (Step right up; come and get it while
it's hot.)
504. been in a circle of fuck?
505. been in a 69 circle?
506. been to a (cooking, baby, Wesson) oil party?
507. participated in a homosexual orgy or group sex? (four or more people;
partners must be exchanged.)
508. participated in a heterosexual orgy or group sex? (four or more people;
partners must be exchanged.)
509. participated in a bisexual orgy or group sex? (four or more people;
partners must be exchanged.)
510. propositioned a person or group of people for group sex?
511. been propositioned for group sex?
512. participated in a Fuck-A-Thon? (Where the object is to see how many
times you can do it in a certain amount of time.)
513. had dates with more than one person in one night while one or more of
the people involved were NOT aware of your actions?
514. gone steady with two or more people at the same time while one or more
of the people involved were NOT aware of what you were doing?
515. gone steady with two or more people at the same time while all of them
WERE aware of what you were doing?
516. urinated on someone else intentionally? (Piss fights!)
517. been involved in a golden shower?
518. made lewd, licentious or suggestive gestures while dancing in public?
519. eaten food in a provocative manner? (bananas, Jello, etc.)
520. discussed oral sex techniques (In general, not as part of a lesson)?
521. been given lessons in oral sex techniques? (not lecture, just lab)
522. given lessons in oral sex techniques ('Pay attention, I'm only going to
do this once. . . !')?
523. demonstrated oral sex techniques with a 'visual aid' (carrot, cucumber,
Coke bottle)?
524. demonstrated oral sex techniques on an assistant?
525. demonstrated oral sex techniques for more than one person at a time?
526. worn or used a condom, or any feminine hygiene contraption that has
already been used by someone else?
527. seen any burlesque show? (Rocky Horror counts)
528. participated in a Rocky Horror Picture Show production (costume etc.)?
529. been to a peep show?
530. been to a live sex show?
531. been to a erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movie?
532. been to a private showing of a erotic, pornographic or sexually
explicit movie (The classic 'stag' party, even if you're female)?
533. held a private showing of an erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit
movie?
534. shown erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movies or videos
to get someone in the mood?
535. adjusted your genitals in public (you'd think they'd be set at the
factory)?
Section 6: Locality.
536. necked while hot tubbing?
537. had oral sex while hot tubbing?
538. had sex while hot tubbing?
539. in a sauna or steam bath, ever necked?
540. in a sauna or steam bath had oral sex?
541. in a sauna or steam bath had sex?
542. necked/petted in a place of religion?
543. had oral sex in a place of religion?
544. had sex in a place of religion?
545. necked/petted in a movie theater?
546. had oral sex during a movie?
547. had sex during a movie?
548. necked/petted in a sports area (stadium, court, track, or ballfield)?
549. had oral sex in a sports area?
550. had sex in a sports area?
551. necked/petted in a stationary vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT (a
car or small pickup)?
552. had oral sex in a stationary vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT?
553. had sex in a stationary vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT?
554. in a stationary vehicle of more than 3000 pounds GWT (a van, pickup),
necked/petted?
555. in a stationary vehicle of more than 3000 pounds GWT, had oral sex?
556. in a stationary vehicle of more than 3000 pounds GWT, had sex?
557. necked/petted in a moving vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT (a car
or small pickup)?
558. had oral sex in a moving vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT?
559. had sex in a moving vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT?
560. in a moving vehicle of more than 3000 pounds GWT (a van, pickup),
necked/petted?
561. in a moving vehicle of more than 3000 pounds GWT, had oral sex?
562. in a moving vehicle of more than 3000 pounds GWT, had sex?
563. necked/petted with the operator of a moving vehicle?
564. given oral sex with the operator of a moving vehicle?
565. had sex with the operator of a moving vehicle?
566. as the operator of a moving vehicle, necked/petted?
567. as the operator of a moving vehicle, received oral sex?
568. as the operator of a moving vehicle, had sex?
569. had oral sex in a vehicle with people around? (at a red light, traffic
jam, McDonald's parking lot, etc.)
570. had sex in a vehicle with people around?
571. necked/petted on horseback (just don't scare the horses)?
572. had oral sex on horseback?
573. had sex on horseback?
574. necked/petted on a train?
575. had oral sex on a train?
576. had sex on a train?
577. necked/petted at a public event? (rock concert, rally, riot, etc.)
578. had oral sex at a public event?
579. had sex at a public event?
580. necked/petted in a wind driven water vehicle (Sailboat, windsurfer)?
581. had oral sex in a wind driven water vehicle?
582. had sex in a wind driven water vehicle?
583. necked or petted in a water based, motor driven transport medium LESS
THAN 80 feet in length? (Yacht, PT boat, bass boat, etc.)
584. had oral sex in a water based, motor driven transport medium LESS
THAN 80 feet in length?
585. had sex in a water based, motor driven transport medium LESS
THAN 80 feet in length?
586. necked or petted in a water based, motor driven transport medium MORE
THAN 80 feet in length? (cruiseship, battleship, aircraft carrier,
nuclear submarine, etc.)
587. had oral sex in a water based, motor driven transport medium MORE
THAN 80 feet in length?
588. had sex in a water based, motor driven transport medium MORE
THAN 80 feet in length?
589. necked/petted in an aircraft not in flight?
590. had oral sex in an aircraft not in flight?
591. had sex in an aircraft not in flight?
592. necked/petted in an aircraft in flight?
593. had oral sex in an aircraft in flight?
594. had sex in an aircraft in flight?
595. necked/petted on public transportation (bus, subway, tram or trolley)?
596. had oral sex on public transportation?
597. had sex on public transportation?
598. necked/petted in a library?
599. had oral sex in a library?
600. had sex in a library?
601. necked/petted in a place of the dead (morgue, cemetery, mortuary,
crypt, etc.)?
602. had oral sex in a place of the dead?
603. had sex in a place of the dead?
604. necked or petted in a contraption of the dead? (Coffin, hearse, body
bag, etc.)
605. had oral sex in a contraption of the dead?
606. had sex in a contraption of the dead?
607. necked/petted in/on a construction site (house, office, launch
platform, etc.)?
608. had oral sex in/on a construction site?
609. had sex in/on a construction site?
610. necked/petted in a telephone booth, voting booth, automatic photograph
taker, closet, or any such small, non-moving enclosure that was not
designed for such activities?
611. had oral sex in such enclosure?
612. had sex in such enclosure?
613. necked/petted in an elevator, people-mover, escalator, dumbwaiter or
any building-internal people moving device?
614. had oral sex in an elevator, people-mover, escalator, dumbwaiter or
any building-internal people moving device?
615. had sex in an elevator, people-mover, escalator, dumbwaiter or
any building-internal people moving device?
616. necked/petted on the roof of a building in excess of 5 floors?
617. had oral sex on the roof of a building in excess of 5 floors?
618. had sex on the roof of a building in excess of 5 floors?
619. necked/petted in a place where you could have been discovered?
620. had oral sex in a place where you could have been discovered?
621. had sex in a place where you could have been discovered?
622. necked/petted in the wilds or in nature with no nearby civilization?
623. had oral sex in the wilds or in nature with no nearby civilization?
624. had sex in the wilds or in nature with no nearby civilization?
625. necked/petted in the snow?
626. had oral sex in the snow?
627. had sex in the snow (now that's fucking cold!)?
628. necked/petted in a place where the prevailing ambient temperature (of
the air immediately surrounding you) was below the freezing point of
water?
629. had oral sex in a place where the prevailing ambient temperature
was below the freezing point of water?
630. had sex in a place where the prevailing ambient temperature
was below the freezing point of water?
631. necked/petted in a free flowing body of water (river, lake, swimming
pool, ocean)?
632. had oral sex in a free flowing body of water?
633. had sex in a free flowing body of water?
634. necked/petted under a natural shower of running water (as in
waterfalls, torrential downpour, monsoons, etc.)?
635. had oral sex under a natural shower of running water?
636. had sex under a natural shower of running water?
637. necked/petted in a tree but not in a tree house or similar structure?
638. had oral sex in a tree but not in a tree house or similar structure?
639. had sex in a tree but not in a tree house or similar structure?
640. necked/petted on a suspension device of any kind? (hammock,
trampoline, tightrope, safety net, etc.)
641. had oral sex on a suspension device of any kind?
642. had sex on a suspension device of any kind?
643. necked/petted inside or within the confines of a hedge, bush, or other
natural vegetation which can provide a wall effect?
644. had oral sex within such confines?
645. had sex within such confines?
646. necked/petted inside or within the confines of a cave, rock overhang,
a well, or any other secluded, outdoor, non-vegetative shielding
structure?
647. had oral sex within such confines?
648. had sex within such confines?
649. had sexual activity in a household room other than the bedroom
(kitchen, hallway, living room)?
650. had sexual activity on the floor?
651. had sexual activity on a piece of furniture not normally used for
resting humans on (i. e. microwave, washing machine, TV [acrobatic
aren't you])?
652. had sex on the beach? (and the resultant sand in uncomfortable places)
653. had sex on a waterbed? (surf's up!)
654. had sex in front of or under a mirror?
655. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in a public bathroom of the
opposite sex?
656. gone to a motel (however sleazy) for the sole purpose of having sex?
Section 7: Style.
657. put an ad in the persons to persons?
658. put an ad for a sex partner?
659. answered an ad for a sex partner?
660. been to a "public bath"?
661. patronized a prostitute?
662. been to a "massage parlor"?
663. sent a strip o gram?
664. done a strip tease for someone?
665. sexually harassed someone (e. g. made unwanted sexual advances)?
666. forced or coerced someone into having intimate physical relations with
you?
667. wife-(or husband)swapped? (swapped significant other)
668. wanted to trade them in for a working model?
669. committed adultery? (you need not have been the one who was married to
get this point.)
670. been cited in divorce proceedings as the other woman/man?
671. tasted your own sexual fluids?
672. tasted another's sexual fluids?
673. considered sperm a protein supplement?
674. complimented someone on their taste?
675. been complimented on your taste?
676. searched for the G-spot or had someone search for your G-spot?
677. searched for the G-spot and found it, or had someone find your G-spot?
678. been unable to share a bed, sleeping bag, or sleeping accommodations
with someone of your prefered sex without something steamy happening?
679. given a sympathy fuck?
680. offered a sympathy fuck, and been rejected?
681. received money or some favor to have sex, oral sex, or mutual
masturbation with someone?
682. given money or some favor to have sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation
with someone?
683. always accepted sex (never refused it regardless of race, creed,
color, religion, age, gender or condition)?
684. initiated sex with someone for the sake of sex only?
685. tongue bathed someone?
686. been tongue bathed?
687. foot masturbated someone?
688. been foot masturbated?
689. licked or sucked on someone else's feet and/or toes?
690. had your feet and/or toes licked or sucked by someone else?
691. actually measured your own or someone else's penis? (i.e., actually
grabbed a ruler, yardstick, tape measure, etc.)
692. asked about a guy: '. . is he hung'?
693. used a feather or any other tickling device for the purpose of tickling?
694. used tickling as a form of arousal?
695. used your hair for the sexual arousal of others (beards count)?
696. used hot wax for sexual purposes?
697. used ice for sexual purposes?
698. used ice or something frozen as a dildo? (ice cubes don't count here-
icicles, popsicles, and the like. Penetration.)
699. used a strap-on dildo or male extension sheath?
700. used whipped cream for sexual purposes?
701. used household syrup, sandwich spreading, oil, salad dressing, or any
like substances for sexual purposes?
702. put food, gravy, syrup, salad dressing, candy, peanut butter, honey, or
anything else edible on your partner's body and then eaten it?
703. had sex to music (keep the beat)?
704. had sex with a sunburn (the bright ouchie type)?
705. had sex while still clothed ('down with trousers, up with dresses!')?
706. had sex without the use of birth control devices? (Use of the rhythm,
prayer, and hope methods counts as "without the use of birth control
devices".)
707. had sex with a religious officiary? (Priest, nun, mother-superior,
cardinal, pope, deity, etc.)
708. had sex with someone whose name you didn't know at the time?
709. had sex with someone whose name you still don't know?
710. had sex with someone whose name you don't remember?
711. had sex with someone whose language you don't (or didn't) know?
712. had sex with someone whose name you didn't want to know?
713. had sex with someone whose face you never saw?
714. had sex and later wished you hadn't?
715. had sexual activity with someone ten or more years younger than you?
716. had sexual activity with someone ten or more years older than you?
717. had sex with someone half your age?
718. had sex with someone twice your age?
719. lied about how old you were for purposes of sexual activity?
720. had sex with someone of a race not your own?
721. had sex with someone for revenge (on them, on their current or ex-, on
your current or ex-)?
722. had sex while either you or your partner, but not both, were under
the legal age of consent of the state in which you were having sex?
723. been involved in breast fucking? (a.k.a. "The Hawaiian Muscle Fuck")
724. participated in fist-fucking? (see "Caligula")
725. been bruised during sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation? (hickeys do
not count)
726. bruised someone else during sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
727. been injured during sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
728. inflicted pain during sex?
729. had pain inflicted during sex?
730. been a screamer?
731. made your partner scream during sex?
732. fainted as a result of orgasm (give them a stud point!)?
733. had your partner faint during intercourse or oral sex as a result of
orgasm (take a stud point!)?
734. fallen asleep during sex?
735. had your partner fall asleep during sex?
736. had a quickie (sex or oral sex to orgasm in under 10 minutes)?
737. had sex for more than three hours in a single session of sex?
738. orgasmed more than three times in one session of sex?
739. had sex so many times or so long that one or both people involved runs
dry?
740. had sex doggie fashion?
741. had sex in the female superior position?
742. had sex sitting up?
743. had sex standing up?
744. had sex upside-down?
745. gone through two or more sexual positions without the need for re-entry?
746. had sex more than 10 times with 1 person?
747. had sex more than 5 times in a 24 hour period?
748. had sex more than 10 times in a 24 hour period?
749. performed oral sex after intercourse without washing or douching?
750. kissed your partner on the lips after oral sex without brushing teeth,
nor washing/gargling/rinsing out mouth?
751. gone out in public after sex or oral sex without bathing?
752. been involved in the use of a penis as a leash or bludgeoning device?
753. been involved in oxygen deprivation for sexual enhancement? (Nitrous
oxide does not count.)
754. been late to work, class or an appointment because you were involved in
sexual activity?
755. had an orgasm the same time as your partner (simultaneous)?
756. faked orgasm (guys too)?
757. told them they were great when they weren't?
758. had a one night stand?
759. ignored someone because you didn't want to admit you had had sex with
them?
760. implied having had sex with someone when you hadn't?
761. denied having sex with someone when you had (not telling your parents
is merely survival)?
762. been walked in on while having sex?
763. walked in on others having sex? (committed an "oops")
764. walked in on others having sex and then joined in?
765. physically watched people having sex?
766. invited others to watch you having sex with someone?
767. accepted an invitation to watch sexual activity?
768. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation knowing that someone
was watching you?
769. fantasized about someone else other than your partner when you were
engaged in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
770. exited through a window because someone came home unexpectedly?
771. walked in on your partner of choice having sex, oral sex, or mutual
masturbation with someone else?
772. watched your partner of choice having sex, oral sex, or mutual
masturbation with someone else?
773. taken pictures or made video tapes of your partner of choice having sex,
oral sex, or mutual masturbation with someone else?
774. willingly made audio recordings while having sex, oral sex, or mutual
masturbation?
775. willingly made video tapes or had pictures taken while having sex, oral
sex, or mutual masturbation?
776. talked dirty while having sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
777. intentionally made more noise than necessary while having sex, oral sex,
or mutual masturbation so as to put on a good show for whoever
might have been listening in?
778. intentionally listened in onto other people having sex, oral sex, or
mutual masturbation without their knowing it?
779. disturbed other people by the making of excessive noise while having
sex?
780. had a general emergency arise while you were steeped in sex? ( house on
fire, flash flood, private plane crash lands in your dwelling, etc.)
781. had your sexual technique/style/skill openly praised by someone?
782. bought condoms?
783. borrowed/stolen/taken birth control devices from your or someone
else's parents? (Condom's, spermicidal foam, diaphragms, chastity
belt.)
784. comparison shopped for condoms (plain or ribbed)?
785. chosen a condom or spermicide for its taste (or lack of)?
786. bought condoms by the case (wholesale, not just the 'family pack')?
787. bought any other birth control item (contraceptive jelly or foam, or
the pill)?
788. bought any other birth control item in bulk (the Pill, unless you got
it for more than one month at a time, doesn't count)?
789. handed out condoms as party favors?
790. discussed favorite brand of condom?
791. inflated a condom?
792. carried a condom 'just in case'?
793. used a non-normal solution as a contraceptive douche (Coke, beer,
etc.)?
794. thought you might be, or might have caused someone to else to be,
unintentionally pregnant?
795. bought a home pregnancy test?
796. had, or given someone an unwanted pregnancy?
797. lied about being pregnant or about having made someone pregnant?
798. deliberately failed to pay child support?
799. contracted mono?
800. thought you had a sexually transmitted disease (STD)?
801. had a STD of any sort? (STDs: i.e. the clap, crabs, herpes, Aids, etc.)
802. had sex with someone knowing you had been exposed to a STD?
803. had sex with someone knowing they had been exposed to a STD?
804. had an AIDS test due to reasonable suspicion or hyperactive
imagination?
Section 8: The Kinky Stuff.
805. engaged in heterosexual activity (with a member of the opposite sex)?
806. engaged in homosexual activity (with a member of your sex)?
807. engaged in bisexual activity (defined here as sexual activity with both
genders on a relatively even ratio for the period of time in
question)?
808. engaged in incestuous activity (with a member of your family)?
809. engaged in homosexual incest (with a member of your family and gender)?
810. engaged in bestiality (sex with non-humans, not the merely sub human)?
811. engaged in pedophillia (sexual activity with pre-teenage children)?
812. engaged in bondage ('voluntarily', you had some control on initiation)?
813. engaged in transvesticism?
814. engaged in sadism?
815. engaged in masochism?
816. engaged in domination?
817. engaged in submission?
818. engaged in cocrophilia? (Marked interest in excrement; esp. use of feces
or filth for sexual excitement)
819. engaged in frotteurism? (Masturbation by rubbing against another person
The need to rub against another stranger.)
820. engaged in infantilism (a dependency on the sight or feeling of diapers
or of being diapered; a dependency on being dressed and treated as a
baby)?
821. engaged in klismaphilia?(A dependency on being given an enema)
822. engaged in mysophilia? (dependency on something soiled or filthy, such
as sweaty underwear or used menstrual pads)?
823. engaged in scoptophilia? (A dependency on looking at sexual organs and
watching sexual activity openly, not surreptitiously, as in voyeurism)?
824. engaged in urophilia? (Being dependently responsive to the smell or
taste of urine or the sight and sound of someone urinating)
825. engaged in role-playing (nurse-patient, teacher-student, border guard
well endowed co-ed, etc.)?
826. been a foot fetishist to any degree?
827. been a leather fetishist to any degree?
828. been a rubber/latex fetishist to any degree?
829. been a voyeur?
830. been an exhibitionist?
831. worn edible underwear/lingerie?
832. eaten edible underwear/lingerie off of someone?
833. worn a leather/gore suit?
834. worn diapers for a sexual or masturbatory purpose?
835. been diapered by someone else for a sexual or masturbatory purpose?
836. used a ball gag or other manufactured gag?
837. worn a collar and/or leash?
838. found a prepubescent child sexually attractive/arousing?
839. had sexual contact of any kind with a prepubescent child?
840. been on the receiving end of anal sex?
841. been on the ramming end of anal sex?
842. been involved in cunnilingus during the woman's period?
843. had sex during the woman's period?
844. had your anus licked?
845. licked someone's anus?
846. licked someone's anus while they were defecating?
847. performed oral sex while the person was urinating?
848. drank blood?
849. drank your own urine?
850. tasted or drank someone else's urine?
851. drank/drained an entire bladder-full of someone else's urine?
852. tasted someone else's nasal mucous?
853. inserted food into yours or someone else's anus?
854. eaten food after it was extracted/evacuated from yours or someone else's
anus?
855. eaten a lab dissection?
856. given your cat or dog a mohawk or a punk hairdo?
857. dyed a pet strange colors (green, purple, hot pink)?
858. fed live animals to pets (e.g. baby chicks to the pit bull)?
859. been to a dog or cock fight?
860. mutilated any living animal or creature for your pleasure?
861. inserted a small animal or creature into your rectum? (Either alive or
dead)
862. had sex in the presence of animals?
863. had a family pet or domesticated animal walk over you or your partner
while you were involved in sex or oral sex?
864. watched animals having sex?
865. been aroused by the sight of animals having sex?
866. had sex or oral sex with your (dead) dinner animal?
867. attempted to have sex, oral sex, or (mutual) masturbation with a live
animal, but failed?
868. had sex with a live animal? (Any size)
869. received oral sex from a live animal? (Any size)
870. gave oral sex to a live animal? (Any size)
871. masturbated a live animal? (Any size)
872. had sex, oral sex, or (mutual) masturbation with a single type of animal
more than once? (Alive or dead)
873. had sex, oral sex, or (mutual) masturbation with an animal in the
presence of 1 or more other people?
Section 9: Bondage.
874. tied up a masochist and refused to cause them pain (its called cruel)?
875. improvised bondage extemporaneously during sexual activity (e. g.
holding someone's wrists over their head)?
876. been tied up for erotic purposes (ropes, scarves, ties)?
877. been tied up and had sex?
878. been tied up and masturbated upon?
879. been tied up knowing you might be seen by others?
880. been tied up with the intention of being seen by others?
881. tied someone up for erotic purposes?
882. tied someone up and had sex with them?
883. tied someone up and masturbated on them?
884. had nude pictures of yourself taken?
885. taken nude pictures of someone else?
886. tied someone up and shown them to others?
887. been bound in chains?
888. been bound and had someone whip you?
889. been whipped until you bled?
890. had your nose pierced?
891. had your tongue pierced?
892. had your lips pierced?
893. had your other lips pierced (or penis)?
894. had your nipples pierced?
895. fantasized of being tied up for erotic purposes?
896. fantasized of tying someone up for erotic purposes?
897. fantasized of tying someone up to show them to others?
898. shaved someone else's pubic hair?
899. pierced someone else's nose?
900. pierced someone else's lips?
901. pierced someone else's tongue?
902. pierced someone else's other lips (or penis)?
903. pierced someone else's nipples?
904. bound someone in chains (handcuffs, leg irons or plain chain)?
905. bound someone and whipped them?
906. whipped someone until they bled?
907. bought bondage & discipline literature?
908. read "The Story of O"?
909. seen the movie "The Story of O"?
910. posed for B&D drawings?
911. posed for B&D photographs?
912. asked someone to pose for B&D drawings?
913. asked someone to pose for B&D photographs?
914. asked someone to pose for B&D movies?
Section 10: Drugs.
915. smoked tobacco? (cigarette, pipe, cigar, hookah)
916. chewed tobacco? (snuff)
917. had an alcoholic drink?
918. been intoxicated?
919. thrown up from having drunk too much alcohol?
920. passed out from having drunk too much alcohol?
921. spiked a punch with alcohol?
922. bought or drank 'moonshine'?
923. brewed your own moonshine?
924. chugged alcohol?
925. had alcohol for breakfast?
926. gargled with hard liquor (No more mediciny breath!)?
927. driven while intoxicated or high?
928. bought alcohol for minors?
929. had someone buy you alcohol while you were still a minor?
930. lied about how old you were in order to obtain alcohol?
931. bought your own alcohol while still a minor?
932. been drunk while still a minor?
933. been hung over?
934. had a hangover last more than one days?
935. been intoxicated (high) from some other drug?
936. been intoxicated from a controlled or illicit drug?
937. used over the counter drugs for purposes of getting intoxicated?
938. taken any drug that you weren't sure what it was, just to find out what
it does (foolish you)?
939. taken stimulants?
940. taken depressants excluding alcohol?
941. inhaled nitrous oxide while not visiting a dentist?
942. inhaled anything containing butyl nitrate (sniffed glue)?
943. injected any non-prescription drug into yourself?
944. injected more than one non-prescription drug simultaneously into
yourself?
945. injected any non-prescription drug into someone else?
946. injected more than one non-prescription drug simultaneously into
someone else?
947. spiked a punch with a drug other than alcohol?
948. taken Ecstasy/X?
949. taken PCP or other veterinary drug?
950. taken any synthetic hallucinogen (MDA, STP, Deep Purple, or Sandoz)?
951. ingested any 'natural' hallucinogen (peyote, mescaline, 'shrooms,
ergot)?
952. taken hallucinogens for enlightenment, or other philosophical reason?
953. taken valium?
954. smoked marijuana/sensemilia?
955. eaten marijuana/sensemilia?
956. taken opiate in any form?
957. used cocaine?
958. smoked crack?
959. freebased?
960. done speed or meth-amphetamine?
961. had a bad trip?
962. gotten a bad batch?
963. taken any 'designer' drugs?
964. used the list of controlled drugs as a checklist (USC title 21, sec
812)?
965. used prescription drugs that you didn't 'need' or have the prescription
for ('abused' a controlled substance)?
966. deliberately injured yourself so as to obtain medication?
967. made any food item with drugs added? (hash brownies, Everclear Jello,
etc.)?
968. eaten any food item with drugs added?
969. drugged someone without their knowledge and/or consent? (hash
brownies and the like.)
970. introduced someone to 'drugs' in general?
971. introduced someone to a new (to them) drug?
972. made or synthesized your own drugs?
973. made or synthesized drugs, 'commercially' (been the lab)?
974. grown your own? (marijuana, opium poppies)
975. bred your own? (produces better varieties)
976. bought a controlled or illicit drug?
977. sold a controlled or illicit drug?
978. sold a non-drug item as a controlled or illicit drug (burned somebody)?
979. bought a controlled or illicit drug in bulk for personal use?
980. sold possessions in order to obtain drugs?
981. played any games in which there was a mystery as to who would be
getting drugs and who wouldn't, yet everybody plays in it (e.g."Who's
got the pill, where half of the cups (of soda) have LSD in them and
the other half don't, and everybody picks a cup and drinks it and
wonders who gets lucky.)
982. gone to class or work while under the influence of drugs? (alcohol
counts.)
983. mixed drugs? (alcohol counts. mixed meaning being under the
influence of two or more drugs at once.)
984. used any drug when you were too wasted to know if it had any effect
(e. g. smoked pot while blitzed)?
985. used a commercial aphrodisiac? (Spanish Fly, Magic Love Drops,
powdered rhino horn, etc.)
986. used alcohol to lower someone else's inhibitions for the intent of sex
or oral sex?
987. used drugs to lower someone else's inhibitions for the intent of sex
or oral sex?
988. had sex while under the influence of nitrous?
989. had an orgasm while under the influence of nitrous? (difficult
because of timing.)
990. had sex while under the influence of cocaine?
991. had sex while under the influence of marijuana/sensemilia?
992. had sex while under the influence of Ecstasy/X?
993. had sex while under the influence of PCP or other vet. drug?
994. had sex while under the influence of LSD, peyote, or psilocybin?
995. had sex while under the influence of any hallucinogen?
996. had sex while under the influence of drugs with a partner who did
not realize you were on them?
997. been told you had sex the night before and you can't recall a thing?
998. woken the next morning wondering what you did?
999. woken the next morning wondering where you were?
1000. woken the next morning wondering who you were?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I. Scoring
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a sheet of paper containing lots
of itty-bitty answers to the Purity Test. Sworn to excellence of workmanship, we
now give you directions on how to calculate your Purity score. There are several
methods; the calculator method works best. Also there is the a la mainframe
method. (A DEC Station-5000 works great as a PC.)
Scoring method: Count "yes" answers.
Subtract that number from 1000.
Divide the result by 10.
The result is your percentage purity.
The higher the number, the more pure you are; in the same vein, the lower
the score, the more of a sleaze bag you are.
For your reference, we include calculator directions:
For people with real calculators (HP):
(# of NO answers) [ENTER] 10 /
For people with other (dinky) calculators:
(# of NO answers) / 10=
*******************************************************************************
"Whatever you feel is OK, just don't be ashamed of it." -me
Drive carefully; 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.
"Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent." -Jay
"It's not that life is too short, it's just that we are dead for so long."
"While *I* have the *CUTEST* toes!" -Zerby
Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two cents in?
"Don't let Big Brother stand on your head." -me
When "wide open spaces" brings parking to mind, die.
"If the lord had meant us to have faith, he'd have given us lobotomies."
-Zlatko
"... A day without sunshine is like...night." -Zerb
"The Defense Mapping Agency has some very heavy friends.
I think that you are insufficiently paranoid." -- Bruce D. Hubbard
They say to just beLIEve. You've got to see what they're really saying.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
"I came, I saw, I deleted all your files." -Any sysadmin
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Here is a long palindrome:
A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, hero's rajahs, a coloratura, maps,
snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana
bag again (or a camel), a crepe, pins, spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a
jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal, - Panama!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
"It's like shooting fish in a barrel. With an elephant gun. At close range.
In the head." -BOFH
"Life is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so." -Douglas Adams
"I'd paint my toenails, but my nipple rings always scratch them up."
"Open season on anything weak." --karlelvis
"If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee;
that will do them in." -Bradley's Bromide
Murphy's law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Commentary on Murphy's law: Murphy would have liked computers.
Shagam's law: You can fry an egg on a Pentium without butter!
"Fall behind early, it gives you more time to catch up." -rel
"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want
and deserve to get it, good and hard." -- H.L. Mencken
-------------------------
"Gee Brain whatdaya wanna do tonight?"
"The same thing we do everynight Pinky; try to take over the world."
-------------------------
"Hey! Hell has it's own soundtrack!" -PeeWee playing Doom
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. - Paul Erdos
"I dress my tears in costumes" -Rozz Williams
I am Rush Limbaugh of Borg. Blah, blah blah blah blah blah.
"...names are as liquid as the blood that pounds in the veins of those
who are called..." -- Susan Kagan (vampirologist)
"Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense." -T. Chapin
"Not that way, the MILITARY right!!!"
-------------------------
I have a cat named Trash. In the current political climate it would seem
that if I were trying to sell him (at least to a Computer Scientist), I
would not stress that he is gentle to humans and is self-sufficient, living
mostly on field mice. Rather, I would argue that he is object-oriented.
Roger King
-------------------------
: >Andrew Bulhak acb@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au
: Is ".au" supposed to mean you're some kind of audio file? STOP LOOKING AT
ME!
Umm...., I guess I'd better come clean. I don't really exist. I am a
computer simulation; a program which posts to the Net and also makes
audio files. In fact, Australia does not exist (as Jim Finnis will tell
you), and everybody posting from this so-called country is simulated by
the same program, running somewhere in the NSA headquarters in
Urbana-Champaign (where they developed Mosaic to spy on you and record
your keystrokes). The name "Australia" was deliberately chosen because
it would lead to the .au domain, which also refers to the appropriate
audio files. Cute, no?
-------------------------
"The fastest way to accelerate a Macintosh is 9.8 m/s^2." -Matt
It is better to be pissed off, than pissed on. (Zerb disagrees)
Speaking of Rhonda Reister (CAEL partner), someone Nate is very fond of:
"I am going to write my name on her snowy grave in piss..." -Nate
"julia hates me. she left the country cuz I was gong to come to her
christmas party" -Nate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Pizza doesn't resemble VM/CMS. VM/CMS isn't round, usually is prepared w/o
cheese, is wholly unsatisfying and costs WAY over $10. Also, you
can't get it delivered in 30 minutes no matter where you live.
I'm sure all of you know the other difference. Please reply and state it
explicitely. :)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Wanna liven up a party? Use Garuda! Not only does it do disco lights and
real danceable rock music, but it cleans the floor afterwards
when you're done, you can use it to lift the garage door 40% faster!
Garuda! Gets out tough stains and leaves colors bright!
Garuda! Plays it LOUD
Garuda! Makes every woman look 5x better.
Garuda! Absolutely, POSITIVELY guaranteed to add 2 inches to the bust
size of any woman you want in 3 months or DOUBLE your money back!
Garuda! Attracts the opposite sex to you like flies to shit, you'll
have to keep them at bay with a cattle prod.
Garuda! The party drug of the next mellenium, available TODAY!
It slices, it dices, it peels potatoes and cuts out the bad spots.
It makes salads and those silly things at partys that you didn't know
what they are, but you take one anyway cuz everyone else does and just
feed it to the dog later when the hostess isn't looking.
If you want people to know about your party, get Garuda! Billboards,
laser shows and skywriting will declare your party to the world.
Garuda guarantees excitement. Doctors confirm 50% increase in adrenal
output capacity compared to a control group which did NOT use Garuda.
Garuda makes life fun! Use it today to crash the domain or to scare
the hell out of sysadmin. Please don't type garuda again.
The one, the true, the ONLY Garuda
How can any of you be Garuda when _I_ am Garuda?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
MONEY IS THE FIAT OF ILLUMINATI! FUCK THEM AND THE HORSE THEY RODE
IN ON! THEY CAN PERISH IN FLAMES! I WANT THEM DEAD, I WANT THEIR
FAMILIES DEAD, I WANT THEIR HOUSE BURNED TO THE GROUND! I WANT TO
GO THERE TONIGHT AND PISS ON THE ASHES!
I hope you don't feel too bad about money now. The illuminait
shouldn't be controlling your life. They're such fuckers.
-Nate (of course)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
It is better to be unique, than a eunuch.
Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
Naievity may be bad, but you don't have to be Naieve to be innocent... :)
-Jeff
A neon sign outside a small-town strip club reads:
Come in and see our cunning stunts!
There's actually a beer now called Cunning Stunt.
Try asking for one after you've had a few.
What's the difference between a midget detective agency and a female track team?
One of them's a cunning bunch of runts.
If Elvis isn't dead, let's kill him.
"Well what if there is no tomarrow? There wasn't one today." -Bill Murray
"pamroot doesn't hate me. :) if I come back, I could be a vested fucker."
-Nate on Wed Sep 22 15:20:19 EDT 1993 on irc.
If I can't do it naked, it isn't worth doing.
"Not I," said the cow to the peanut butter.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The art of flame requires wit sharp as a Katana, the wisdom of Bob
Gilreath, and the knowledge of all man pages. No, you sir cannot flame.
The art of lame-flame, which you are quite proficient in, requires wit
sharp as a finger Jell-O, the wisdom of a first-year GN student, and the
knowledge of a Mac.
--Guido on mtu.flame
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"It's called evil kid."
"Look, they've run a crab!" -Tom Servo, Mystery Science Theatre 3000
I don't know what the meaning of life is, but I'm sure it's a verb. -overheard
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomarrow, rest this afternoon."
-Snoopy
"So take a good look at my face. You'll see the smile look out of place.
If you look closer it's easy to trace the tracks of my tear..." -Tanisha
"...The symmetry couldn't mount a two dollar whore, I doubt that colussus
(under the same management) could do any better. :( " -Nate
"...something scraping inside my skull; razor-blade fingers caressing my mind."
"I only kill to know I'm alive." from _So What_ by Ministry
"If your cat has kittens in the oven, you don't call them biscuits."
-Harry Anderson
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
> Sent from: far@medinah.atc.ucarb.com (Forrest Richey)
>
> Could we have a GNIRUT (con)test in which humans attempt to mimic computer
> software undetectably?
>
This sounds like a good deal. I could win, I think. A lot of
people (some of them brilliant computer people) have told me that I
fail the Turing test. Once a girl even disregarded everything
I said to her. When someone asked her why, she said "Nate is a bot and
a lame one at that".
--
Nate (A GNU application)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"I love the smell of napalm on a Mormon!!!" -Bob
"A slave is one who waits for someone else to free him." -Rosellen Brown
"Ev'ry scene is perrrvect.
Ev'ry scene is great.
If a scene gets waaasted
God gets quite irate." -Big Al interprets Monty Python on a.s.b.
"Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open." -Thomas Dewar
"There is no such thing as immoral if you have an open mind." -da Wee one
"We have billions of members, but most of them don't know it yet."
-the church of Spam
"Happiness is being famous for the financial ability to indulge in every
kind of excess." -Calvin
"God is running out of extras in the movie of your life." -comic on Mtv
"Don't forget, no matter where you go, there you are." -Buckaroo Bonzai
"Your fate is sealed with a curse as sharp as a knife; doomed is(a) your soul
and damned is(a) your life." -Emilo Lizardo
Kata Sutra sez: "VR the World, VR the Children."
"Opposition is true friendship." -Alex
"Procrastination prevents boredom. When you are procrastinating, you are
never left with the feeling that there is nothing to do." -J. Taub
"Fuckers out!" -me
"We'll fight fire with marshmellows!" -Robin Williams in _Toys_
"There's a fucker born every minute." -Drew
"It's Saturday night, I'm at work and I feel like ratfuck" -Jim Park
"FUCK concrete! FUCK steel! FUCK titanium! A little hardened, dried butter will
bond a cat's ass to a dog's nose with humorous results!!" -THE FREEZE
"Come, let us retract the foreskin of misconception and apply the wire brush
of enlightenment." - Geoff Miller
"Let's have a bulimic food fight tonight. Puke on everything in sight. I just
can't keep my dinner down. Bulimic food fight all over town." -Adrenalin OD
"... [food poisoning] can take TWO WEEKS to show up. You don't just swallow
bacteria and suddenly shit out gouts of steaming blood, though God knows that
most of us would if we could." -Steve Poole
"A fart is the cry of an imprisoned turd." -Murray Chapman
"If I wanted any comeback from you I'd scrape your throat." -Unknown flamer
Main's Law:For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them." -Ronald Reagan
"Waking up on weekends is just wrong." -Jason Gilchrist
"Remember, even if you do win the Rat Race - You're still a rat." -C. Wolf
"I think this goes to show you a sticky situation is best handled with lies,
deceit and trickery." -Sam on _Cheers_
"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there and I'm wearing Milkbone underware."
-Norm on _Cheers_
"Bill speaks too softly to think that clearly." -C. F. Drew
"It didn't make any sense where I was standing." -Pee Wee (go figure)
"...but don't worry, problems in base-8 are just like those in base-10
-- if you are missing two fingers!!" -Tom Lehrer
"So what?!?!? Sew buttons on bananas!" -M. R.
"We secretly replaced this church's holy water with sparkling Folger's
crystals." -- Brook Babcock
"Fire gets hot." -Bill
"The great adventures of the night are usually reserved for those
with no plans..." --Mel (the dead head)
"You cannot achive the impossible without attempting the absurd."
"I think we should call a cease fire... At least long enough to
loot the dead and wounded." -a General
"Live on the edge of society, where the taste of life is sudden and real."
"If the dream is won though everything is lost, we will pay the price but we
will not count the cost." _Bravado_ by Rush
"All that you suffer is all that you are." -S.E.H.
"Too far is never enough" -- Zerby
"Pain is an illusion of the senses, despair an illusion of the mind."
"Life is nothing more than an unfortunate chemical mishap."
Jake liked his women the way he liked his kiwi fruit: sweet yet tart,
firm-fleshed yet yielding to the touch, and covered with short brown fuzzy hair.
"Size does not matter." -Danielle "Honeypot"
"I want a big dick!" -Tamara (was stinking drunk at the time)
"Puberty is when you separate the boys from the girls (usually with a crowbar)"
"those only bruise mine. :(" -Nate, referring to penile stretchers
"Sex should be like a table... it should have 4 bare legs and no drawers."
"Sex is like snow. You never know how many inches you're going to get or how
long it will last." -Krickster!
"Sex is like a roller coaster. The lines are always too long,
and the rides are way too damn short." -Marek
"I'm feeling a little creatively juiced. Let's do it!" -the Pee of Wee
"It's not about violence, it's not about sex. It's about violent sex." -MED
"Follow me, ye weak of heart. Up ahead lies the big O! Nirvana!
Fearless fucking! Just roll the dice." -Madonna
"A goosh in the bush is worth two in the hand." -Kurt
"He that hath sexual problems, wakes up with answer in hand." -Hosing Frosh
"You know you're going to have a bad day when you wake up face down on the
pavement." -me
"He is not poor that hath not a penny, but he that hath not a Dream."
- Rick R. Fox
"What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
be pretty bad." -- Dave Barry (???)
"One of the jobs of CTS is to eliminate computers." -Fritz Hibbler
"I imagine if you go over to pace and burn 50-60MB of space, Bill will
be coming after you too." - Bacon
"I'd rather have needles stuck in my eyes than to have NeXTstep run on Sun
workstations." - Scott McNealy, Chairman Sun Microsystems
"God help us." -Martha Janners, Dean of Students
"EMACS may be slow, but it's also hard to use." -Adam DeRidder
"One Alpha chip is claimed to have about the same processing power as a CRAY-1
which went on sale in 1976, as the Cray company's first supercomputer, at a
cost of $7.5 million." - Guinness Book of Records, "FASTEST CHIP"
CAEL is the finest computing lab on earth... unless you have to print.
-SuperNate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Software crashes a machine by accident; applications do it on purpose."
-Nate on his programming philosophy
...and here's an actual Nate applicaton:
#include
#include
main ()
{
int x;
setpriority(PRIO_PROCESS, 0, 19);
for (x=0;x<10;++x)
fork();
for (x=0;x<10000000;++x); }
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse." -Lazarus Long
"What we got here is a failure to communicate..."
---from COOL HAND LUKE
"What you call genocide, I call a days work..."
---Some Cardassian on DS9
"I believe in magical superiority through faster firepower"
---Anonymous Shadowrunner
"Life would be meaningless without net access..." -Aurik
"Law and Chaos are meaningless, when you come right down to it. They always
balance each other in the end." ----Godsbane
"All that is necessary for a good life is three things.....DEATH, DESTRUCTION,
and CARNAGE..." ---Anonymous
"Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to notice
your mistakes." ----Antisthenes
"The key to finding something is to look where it is." ----Tigger
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven't tried before."
---Mae West
"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"
---anonymous reporter
"What is your name?
Jean-Luc Picard
What is your quest?
To seek out new life and civilization
What is the average warp speed of a bird of prey?
Klingon or Romulan?
What? I don't know! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!"
---Highway Man
"Choose your friends carefully, your enemies will choose you."
---Yasar Arafat
"If your enemy refuses to be humbled... Destroy Him!"
---War-Healers of Kithinisis
"A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle"
---anonymous
"Quick to judge, quick to anger,
Slow to understand.
Ignorance and prejudice and fear
Walk hand in hand."
---Rush
"Think strategic, act tactical." ---Warmonger
"I'm not really a vampire, but I play one on the net..." ---Aurik
Cause of Crash: Inadvertant contact with the ground.
DOS 5.0, yesterday's operating system, today!
Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?'.
Does killing time damage eternity?
Don't steal...The government doesn't like competition.
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
The floggings will continue until morale improves!!
"I'm one of the least liked people in the world, in fact I don't even like
me..." ---Aurik
"If the truth can be told so that it can be understood, then it will
be believed..." -Terence McKenna
"Madness does not preclude achievement." -- former Chief Inspector Dreyfus
"I guess we were all guilty in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him,
and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, 'I helped skin Bob.'"
-Jack Handey
"FTPing from a file system you can mount is like having phone sex
with a girl you're in bed with." -Nate
"Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're livin'?
...we know where we're going, we know where we're from." -Bob Marley
"I don't wanna plan!" -Kat
"You are the passage through which time flows. You are the emptiness
that holds all space. You are the center that is everywhere, turning
on itself in an endless dance of ecstasy." -- Judith Whitman-Small
The next Bizarr Sex Trio release will be welded, rivited,
clamped and screwed to a six foot long 2"x4" which will be
impossible to buy, sell, steal, transport, or play.
Oh, what a joyous day that will be. -off the cover of one of their singles
Scarlett on the theatre:
Actors do it for and with the audience
Techies do it faster, better, in the dark and with duck tape
Directors cooridinate affairs
Theatre is an interactive experience
"If you're gonna sin, you may as well be original." -The Young Ones
"Reintroducing the Amish cheerleader."
"Glazed apathetic leash."
"The bland leading the bland."
"We gain our innocense by taking yours." -from a 10,000 Maniac's video
"Free your mind and you won't feel ashamed." -Sophie B. Hawkins
"Don't look back. It just pulls at your heart until you can't do anything
but look back." -Scarlett from _Gone With the Wind_
*******************************************************************************
This section is inspired by the first Snow Chao Cabal Ball:
/| /| ---------------------------
||__|| | |
/ O O\__ Friday, April 15th |
/ \ 339 East Wads |
/ \ \ |
/ _ \ \ ----------------------
/ |\____\ \ ||
/ | | | |\____/ ||
/ \| | | |/ | __||
/ / \ ------- |_____| ||
/ | | | --|
| | | |_____ --|
|> is inviolate, and one shall endever to do all
that <> asks, regardless of embarresment.
V. Any commandment may be changed at any time by any goddess, and these
changes take precedence according to who said them (The Butt's
being most inviolate, the eyes least) and if that does not allow
proper discrimination, then the time they are said shall be used
(The new one's take precedence)
In the beginning, the Earth was an empty and desolate place. The peole,
long forsaken by their earlier gods, where unhappy and desperate to find
meaning.
Into this unholy place stepped <>. Everywhere <> walked, the
people looked up and knew desire. From among those <> saw, there were a fewwith true desire to server <>. It is from these elite few that <>
created <> priest-hood, granting them the boon of servitude.
This created a vast jealousy amongst the people, they wanted to serve as
well. It is for this reason that the Nips and the Eyes came into being.
Each of these chose a priesthood from the remaining populous as fit their
need.
But still the people were unhappy. The goddesses were glorious, and
just, but their priests fulfilled their desires, and the people went
unfulfilled. Thus, was created EVIL. He came upon the people in the form of
a goat. He came upon the Nips and anointed her throat. He then began to
sell her favors to the populous. When one of the unwashed masses would come
and cross his palm with coin, they would have the chance to be with the
nips. The Butt saw this, and decided that it was good. <> gave the running
of the state over to EVIL, and allowed <>self the pleasure of controling
<> priest/slaves. But every so often, one of the populous wishes to
worship, and <> allows them with vigor and happiness.
This is how the world came to be as it is. All praise "The Three"
-Zerby
----------------------------------------
I had the opportunity to insert my index finger into Melanie's navel this
evening, as did Mr. Wright. I must say it was an extremely uplifting,
spiritual experience. I found myself wisked away to a magical land where,
not just my index finger, but my whole body felt warm. Suddenly all the
stress of classes and life could no longer touch me. For the first time in
many years I saw my life and even the rest of the universe clearly.
I am now dedicating my life to the worship of Melanie's navel. Everyone has
to give it a try and see the light. Hallelujah!!!
Brother Christopher
----------------------------------------
I was just thinking of how much fun it would be to spank Andrea. Not hard,
at first, but just some light wacks. Have her bent over my knee, with my
arm over her back, holding her down. Then a few swats on her butt with my
bare hand, to get her used to it. After that, see which way she is willing
to go. Harder swats, less fabric, better paddle, more swats. Eventually
work her into an endorphic haze where I can paddle her bare bottom until it
is a warm, deep, pink.
She has such a nice, full butt. I'd love to just kneel down behind her and
kiss it all over before rimming her. Having all that butt flesh surrounding
my face would be great.
Some nice patty smothering would be fun as well, have her sit on my face so
that all I can do is breathe in her scent, not enough air to breathe.
Trying to get her off for a breath of air. Not that I wouldn't like to have
her sit on my face to get off....
I've always wanted to be a submissive, and Andrea has a body I could
worship. I remembre when I first saw her at the Triangle round-the-world.
I beat off that night thinking of her.....
I have always wanted to have a my mistress sit down somewhere, doing
something: talking, computing, listening to a lecture, talking on the
phone, doing homework, drinking, eating, etc. while i was going down on
her. I could see Andrea sitting on the couch, her back against the wall,
and me between her legs covered with a blanket. She is playing cards, and
drinking from a glass she keeps on the refrigerator. She is trying to
remain impassive, but evrey so often, she pulls my head into her or pushed
her pelivs towards me, or closes her eyes. I, meanwhile, am giving her
genitals total worship, lapping and kissing each inch, suckling her clit,
running my hands over hips, legs, and stomach, enraptured with every
movement of her against me.....
I have decided that I need to be submissive. I am a slave. I am waiting for
Andrea to claim me, or give me away. Use me for your pleasure...
-Zerby (slave spud)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ideas for party games...
PEPPERONI RING TOSS!!!! Object lies on floor on back (preferably naked).
Players each take a pepperoni (or 2-4 depnding on players. I would assume
about 8 pepperoni's max). Stand back and toss the pepperoni. Whoever gets
closest to the target (Say, the Navel, or the Butt if the target is on
their stomach) gets to eat all of the pepperonis, but is unable to use
their hands (So they get ample chances to lick the pepperoni juices off of
the target..... Sounds fun to me.
PEPPERONI SEARCH. 2-3 tagets of the same gender hide a piece of pepperoni
on their bodies. 2 players of gender opposite the targets must search out
the pepperoni.
Variant 1. The players are blindfolded. This means the targets can be
naked, or virtually so....
Variant 2. The players may not use there hands. This requires naked targets,
and probably blindfolds...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The party was not without rules though...
The House Rules - The Snow Chao Cabal Ball - Room 339EWH - This Friday, 9pm
1. NO MEANS NO. This is the first and foremost rule. If you want to play
with someone, then ask politely before you start. If you get a "no", that
answer is final. Violators of this rule WILL be forcibly ejected.
2. The house safeword is "creamed spinach". If your play partner starts doing
something you don't like (I.E. the strong clothespins), say the safeword
to let them know you don't like what they are currently doing. This rule
is quite important if someone is tied up and/or blindfolded.
3. Keep the noise levels down as much as possible. This will be important in
the later (drunker) hours.
4. Public play is encouraged, but not required. If you want privacy, go to
someone else's room (with their permission, of course). Remember Rule #1
if someone asks to watch.
5. Play safe. I don't know that it's been bluntly said yet, so I will say it
here: This party IS going to sexual in nature. If it succeeds at all,
people will get turned on. If you (God forbid) find yourself in a position
were penitration is going to occur, then protect yourself with an
appropriate latex device.
6. Remember, rules 1,2 and 4 are designed to ensure complete consensuality.
They are IMPORTANT!
7. Happiness is mandatory. Failure to be happy for any reason in treason and
grounds for summary execution. The Computer is your friend!
8. Trust the Computer!
These rules are open to additions, questions and changes until about 7pm this
Friday. If you need to talk about them, let's do it now.
PeeWee
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were limericks...
PeeWee:
Bob took Fran home, wanting a squick.
She said, "Bob, I love your big dick!"
So her tied her to his bed
And drilled a hole in her head.
But he discovered his cock was too thick.
Megan, a girl, had big eyes.
Save Nate, she could attract no guys.
Nate would feed her a line,
And ask "Will you be mine?"
She made the walls echo with the sound of her cries.
In his heart, Zerby did pine
For Andi to say "He's Mine!"
Thus he would pray
And hope each day
Apparantly she did, and all is fine.
Of course my poems are the worst of the bunch
What do you expect? My brain's out to lunch.
Thinking of a good rhyme
Takes quite a bit of time
I have no time...My poems suffer at the crunch.
I fill my cock with stainless steel
Because of all the things my women can feel
If my P.A. were an apadravya,
More women'd say "I'll have ya!"
Then I'd be happy and sex would be real.
I want a woman I could whip.
On such a woman I could truly trip.
In each labia I'd pit steel
Something she'd surely feel.
To ensure her chastity should I take a trip
Sex with a woman is of course great
It beats being alone, which I hate.
Her moans and her smell
As I do what I do well
Best of all, I don't have to masturbate
It has been said, by a wise man of this land
"A goosh in the bush is worth two in the hand."
But jerkin' ain't all bad,
When it's all that can be had
But being with a woman is far more grand.
And while doing homework, no less.
Poor Zerby's ego is just a mess
Since his ego's gone
I bet it won't be long (weak rhyme, I know)
Before Andi has him in a dress...
If his servitude to Mistress Andi
Makes Zerby feel free
Then I don't care
If it's a dress he'll wear
I just better no feel his hand on my knee.
Zerby and I will continue
these horrible poems to spew
until one of the Three
says unto me
"Stop, or we won't beat you."
The Wee one keeps writing more verse
Appearing to me like a curse
I just made up three
but still he beat me
His last one was even perverse.
Your life I will end
Using my poetic bend
you'll go insane
I'll melt your brain
Don't even bother to pretend.
Indeed I post the most
Zerby's poems I do toast
But I dream of the Three
and I'm waiting to see
If one of them'll tie me to the bedpost.
Sad as it is, your meter
Has no effect on my peter
but the three
could have a great effect on me
if one of them said I could eat her
The rhyme's in my head,
Soon my ego will be fed
the time is near
when it'll be clear
I could out cheese Zerby dead.
Zerby:
There once was a goat in a coat.
His dick was the size of a mote.
Since she caused it to swell,
He fed it to Mel,
And coated the back of her throat.
There once was a girl named Mel
Whose nipple were both known to swell.
If you'd give 'em a pinch,
they'd grow half and inch
And Evil'd have more to sell.....
For Andi, my mistress divine
I've made my body a shrine
For her to abuse
neglect and misuse
and make me to whimper and whine.
When <> shakes her bottom at me
True happiness is all that I see
The curve of her butt
Sends me into rut
And makes me all weak in the knee
When attempting to meter your peter
Its easy to make it much sweeter
Find a girls who real cool
to measure your tool
And who'll let you go down and eat her.
When giving your Mistress some head
and she's laying back on the bed
If you lick her clit
and she takes a shit,
Then she came really hard...or she's dead.
Please beat me, and beat me some more
Till I lie half-dead on the floor
Please spank my bum
Till you make me come
Just paddle my ass till its sore.
If Andi wants me in a dress
I'll wear it, I must confess
I'm not a fag
but I'll dress in drag
To please my charming mistress
I'll give my Mistress a prize:
A nuzzle between her thighs.
If they're in the mood
and don't think its too rude,
Then it's on to the nips and the eyes!
Three people strapped down to the deck
Two others with chains on their neck
a sixth with a whip
the seventh's the nip
The others can just go to heck....
HE>> filled a glass with her pee
and then <> gave it to me
"You must take a drink
And say what you think
Or else, it's over my knee."
I checked on my Mistress' sign
and found that they are in line
A Taurus it seems
of Virgos should dream
and Virgo's the sign that is mine
The Wee one keeps writing more verse
Appearing to me like a curse
I just made up three
but still he beat me
His last one was even perverse.
I'm spewing out rhyme at high speed
On that we all are agreed
My meter is great
My rhyme is first rate
A please it is just to read
I'm falling behind with each post
PeeWee keeps writing the most
My life would be easy
My poem's much less cheesy
If He would just give up the ghost
We need to see who's ahead
I can't keep it all in my head
I've lost track of the score
Am I back three or four?
I'll catch up just as soon as I'm fed.
We've been at this war for three days
I'm in a limerick haze
Is this a battle of wits
or the spewing of twits
In multi-line sections of phrase?
Here's my first poem after dinner
I sure hope it will be a winner
Unlike the meal
Which I poked and heard squeal
To eat here makes one a sinner
I've just made a whip out of linen
In hopes that I soon will be sinnin'
I'll be flogged for a while
While sporting a smile
and <>'ll be whippin' and grinnin'
Megan:
If I had big tits life would be great,
Every guy on campus, I'd date.
I'd date big guys,
because of their size,
And little men, I'd hate. :)
Jeff:
(to PeeWee)
I think I have to agree,
your poems sound awful to me,
The lymerics all suck
mine's worse if i'm in luck
I guess I'll just wait and see.
Masterbation is very bad
When it's all you can get, that's just sad
your cock in your hand
just isn't as grand
as any of the women I've had.
Matt:
Jeff was a very sad lad
who found that beating himself was bad
so in search of a lass he went
to find one with a good scent
at last came the day, his cum went away
and Jeff was no longer sad
virginity the subject line says
about not being straight, gay, or lez
well Nate my good old friend
some woman will make your cock bend
just bide your time and you shall see
the right woman she'll surely be
Mr. Sack-o-skin:
Apparently I've been lame
PeeWee thinks its a shame
I'll try to do better
and get it together
to show I can get women wetter.
Evil:
I would just love to beat Mel
it would be oh so swell
I would make her ass red
but I would soon be dead
'cause Joe would send me to hell
Whenever I happen to see Megan;
I'm insired to do something Pagan.
Perhaps a moonlit sacrifice...
on a dreary night'd be nice.
And I'll do it all for Carl Segan.
Melanie:
I can't wait til the Snow Chao Cabal
Where there will be surprises for all
Especially for Chris
Who will not be in bliss
Cuz he'd better watch his left ball
Nate:
All of you guys attempt waxing poetic,
your limerics all are indeed quite pathetic.
So I'm writing one of mine,
the worst of the lot; I can't rhyme,
To say that you'll hate it's prophetic.
------------------------------------
Party related quotes:
"Jeff and I always come together. ;)" -Megan
"Impressive. ;)" -PeeWee
"Actually Pwe, it's not that hard." -Megan
*******************************************************************************
Pope Electric Yeti's Dating Guide or
How to Have Sex With a Real Live Girl....
Author's note: I say girl because; 1) I have no experience in picking up
guys and 2) I think a guide to picking up guys could be summarised in one
word "wanna?"....
1. Act innocent and aloof, this endears them to you. Also, due to the
viral climate these days, it is a big plus. A lot of women have this
thing about seducing the innocent.....
2. Wear a big silly hat with lots of blinking lights on it. I don't know
why this works, maybe its a phallic symbol or something.
3. Grow your hair long, let your freak flag fly as it were...
4. Take massive doses of psychedelic drugs whenever you can, this
prepares you for the befuddlement that the really *fun* women are going
to give you.
5. Date older women, they are usually better in bed and they sometimes
pay for your drinks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pope Electric Yeti, of Bourbon street and Protector of Hippees.
Founder of the Neo-Tantric-Animeri-Mystichood of Eris Esoteric
(not a religious organization)
Generic Indulgences*24-hour marriages*Annulments of Bad Relationships*
Exorcisms of Bad Karma*Anonymous Confession* Trust me I'm Infallible *
popeyeti@access.digex.net Hail Eris! Free Tibet!
*******************************************************************************
STP12 At last! SAVE THE PLANET, KILL YOURSELF, the incredible hit record from
The Church of Euthanasia! Rev. Korda receives regular communications from the
"Being." The messages arrive via psychic channelling, or "demons in her head."
The Being is a powerful alien intelligence who speaks for the inhabitants of
Earth in other dimensions. Move to the throbbing techno/trance beat while
absorbing their hypnotic suggestions. Be part of the solution! On 12" vinyl,
$6 each, or $4 each for ten and up.
The Church of Euthanasia is not pro-choice. The Church of Euthanasia is
pro-abortion.
*******************************************************************************
The Love Teachings of Kama Sutra
================================
By Vatasyayana
Excerpts from the Kama Sutra .
Source: "The Love Teachings of Kama Sutra"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lying Down Positions:
--------------------
Indrani draws up both her knees
until they nuzzle the curves of her breasts;
her feet find her lover's armpits.
Small girls love this posture,
but becoming a goddess takes a lot of practice.
She cups and lifts her buttocks with her palms,
spreads wide her thighs,
and digs in her heels besides her hips,
while you caress her breasts:
this is "Utphallaka" (The Flower in Bloom).
Grasping the ankles
of the round hipped woman, whose buttocks
are like two ripe gourds,
raise her beautiful thighs
and spread the thigh-joints widely.
Full of desire, saying sweet words,
approach her with your body stiff as a pole
and drive straight forward
to pierce her lotus and join your limbs:
experts call it "Madandhvaja" (The Flag of Cupid).
Catch hold of her two feet,
raising them till they press upon her breasts
and her legs form a rough circle.
Clasp her neck and make love to her:
this is "Ratisundara" (Aphrodite's Delight).
Lift the lady's feet until her soles
lie perfectly parallel,
one to each side of her slender throat,
cup her breasts and enjoy her:
this technique is "Uthkanta" (Throat-high).
Your lovely wife, lying on the bed,
grasps her own feet
and draws them up until they reach her hair;
you catch her breasts and make love:
this is "Vyomapada" (Sky-foot).
The round-thighed woman on the bed
grasps her ankles and raises high her lotus feet;
you strike her to the root, kissing
and slapping open-palmed between her breasts:
this is "Markata" (The Monkey).
She lies flat on her back,
you sit between her parted knees, raise them,
hook her feet over your thighs,
catch hold of her breasts, and enjoy her:
this is "Manmathpriya" (Dear to Cupid).
Lying-down Positions - Samputa Group:
------------------------------------
If your penis is too small for a woman,
the "Samputa" group of postures should be used:
"Samputa" (the Jewel Case),
"Pidita" (the Squeeze), "Veshtita (the Entwined)
and "Vadavaka" (the Mare's Trick).
In Samputa your legs lie along hers
caressing their whole length from toes to thighs.
Your lover may be below you,
or you may both lie on your sides,
in which case she should always be on your left.
In Pidita the lovers' thighs
are interlaced and squeeze each other in rhythm.
In Veshtita she crosses her thighs
or rolls each one inward,
thus greatly strengthening her yoni's grip.
When, like a mare cruelly gripping
a stallion, your lover
traps and milks your penis with her vagina,
it is "Vadavaka" (the Mare's Trick),
which can only be perfected with long practice.
When she uses it, a woman
should cease to kiss her lover
and simply hold the lock.
Courtesans are adept at Vadavaka,
and it's a speciality with ladies from Andhra(*).
*The South-Eastern state of India.
When lovers, with legs stretched rigid
and feet caressing feet,
make love according to their hearts' desire,
"tantra" scholars call it "Sampada" (Equal Feet)
and agree it is a way to ecstasy.
Stiff as a pole in the bed's center,
she lies making love,
cooing and warbling like a woodpigeon,
the jewel of her clitoris well-polished:
this is Mausala" (the Pestle).
When she lies on her back
with her two thighs pressed tightly together
and you make love to her,
keeping your thighs outside hers,
it is "Gramya" (the Rustic).
If, encircling and trapping
her thighs with yours,
you grip so hard that she cries out in pain,
it is "Ratipasha" (Love's Noose),
a device most charming to the ladies.
Her limbs, entwined in yours
like tendrils of fragrant jasmine creeper,
draw taut and slowly relax
in the gentle rhythm of linga and yoni:
this is "Lataveshta" (the Clinging Creeper).
She draws her limbs together,
clasping her knees tightly to her breasts,
her yoni, like an opening bud,
offered up for pleasure:
this is known as "Mukula" (the Bud).
When she draws up her knees
and you clamp yours about her raised thighs,
trapping them in a tight knot
while riding saddle upon her buttocks
and kissing her, it is "Shankha" (the Couch).
Oral Pleasures -- Fellatio Techniques:
-------------------------------------
When your lover catches your penis
in her hand and, shaping
her lips to an 'O', lays them lightly to its tip,
moving her head in tiny circles,
this first step is called "Nimitta" (Touching).
Next, grasping its head in her hand,
she clamps her lips tightly about the shaft,
first on one side then the other,
taking great care that her teeth don't hurt you:
this is "Parshvatoddashta" (Biting at the Sides).
Now she takes the head of your penis
gently between her lips,
by turns pressing, kissing it tenderly
and pulling at its soft skin:
this is "Bahiha-samdansha" (the Outer Pincers).
If next she allows the head to slide
completely into her mouth
and presses the shaft firmly between her lips,
holding a moment before pulling away,
it is "Antaha-samdansha" (the Inner Pincers).
When, taking your penis in her hand
and making her lips very round,
she presses fierce kisses along its whole length,
sucking as she would at your lower lip,
it is called "Chumbitaka" (Kissing).
If, while kissing, she lets her tongue
flick all over your penis
and then, pointing it, strikes repeatedly
at the sensitive glans-tip,
it becomes "Parimrshtaka" (Striking at the Tip).
And now, fired by passion, she takes
your penis deep into her mouth,
pulling upon it and sucking as vigorously
as though she were stripping clean a mango-stone:
this is "Amrachushita" (Sucking a Mango).
When she senses that your orgasm
is imminent she swallows up the whole penis,
sucking and working upon it
with lips and tongue until you spend:
this is "Sangara" (Swallowed Whole).
Oral Pleasures -- Cunnilingus Techniques:
----------------------------------------
With delicate fingertips,
pinch the arched lips of her house of love
very very slowly together,
and kiss them as though you kissed her lower lip:
this is "Adhara-sphuritam" (the Quivering Kiss).
Now spread, indeed cleave asunder,
that archway with your nose and let your tongue
gently probe her "yoni" (vagina),
with your nose, lips and chin slowly circling:
it becomes "Jihva-bhramanaka" (the Circling Tongue).
Let your tongue rest for a moment
in the archway to the flower-bowed Lord's temple
before entering to worship vigorously,
causing her seed to flow:
this is "Jihva-mardita" (the Tongue Massage).
Next, fasten your lips to hers
and take deep kisses
from this lovely one, your beloved,
nibbling at her and sucking hard at her clitoris:
this is called "Chushita" (Sucked).
Cup, lift her young buttocks,
let your tongue-tip probe her navel, slither down
to rotate skilfully in the archway
of the love-god's dwelling and lap her love-water:
this is "Uchchushita" (Sucked Up).
Stirring the root of her thighs,
which her own hands
are gripping and holding widely apart,
your fluted tongue drinks at her sacred spring:
this is "Kshobhaka" (Stirring).
eddit Place your darling on a couch,
set her feet to your shoulders, clasp her waist,
suck hard and let your tongue stir
her overflowing love-temple:
this is called "Bahuchushita" (Sucked Hard).
If the pair of you lie side by side,
facing opposite ways,
and kiss each other's secret parts
using the fifteen techniques described above,
it is known as "Kakila" (the Crow).
Role Reversal:
-------------
During lovemaking, ten types of blows
may be struck with the penis,
but of these only "Upasripta" (Natural),
which is instinctive even to untutored cowherds,
results in full clitoral stimulation.
It is a gentle forward stroke
which may be varied for depth and speed,
allowing a subtlety, rhythm
and spontaneity which
the other nine each lack to some degree.
If you grasp your penis and move it
in circles inside her yoni,
it is "Madhavana" (Churning).
When you strike sharply down into the yoni,
it is "Hula" (the Double-edged Knife).
If, when her hips are raised by a pillow,
you strike a rising blow,
it is "Avamardana" (Rubbing).
If you hold your penis pressed breathlessly
to her womb it is "Piditaka" (Pressing).
If you withdraw completely
and then strike her violently to the womb,
it is "Nirghata" (the Buffet).
Continuous pressure on one side of her yoni
is "Varahaghata" (the Boar's Blow).
If you thrust wildly in every direction,
like a bull tossing its horns,
it is "Vrishaghata" (the Bull's Blow).
Quivering in her yoni is "Chatakavilasa" (Sparrow Sport),
which usually heralds orgasm.
The involuntary shuddering of orgasm
is called "Samputa" (the Jewel Case).
But no two women make love quite the same way,
so orchestrate your rhythms
to the moods and colors of each lover's "raga" (emotions).
If long lovemaking exhausts you
before your lover has reached her orgasm,
you should allow her
to roll you over your back
and sit astride you, taking initiative.
If the posture gives her deep pleasure,
or you enjoy its novelty,
she may transpose into it as a matter of course,
taking great care, however,
not to expel the linga from the temple of love.
Consider: she climbs upon you,
the flowers dropping from her tousled hair,
her giggles turning to gasps;
every time she bends to kiss your lips
her nipples pierce your chest.
As her hips begin to churn,
her head, flung back, bobs ever faster;
she scratches, pummels you with small fists,
fastens her teeth in your neck,
doing unto you what you've often done unto her.
When she takes the man's role,
your lady has the choice
of three famous lovemaking techniques:
"Samdamsha (the Tongs),
"Bhramara" (the Bee) and "Prenkholita" (the Swing).
If she uses the Mare's Trick,
gripping your penis with her yoni's vice,
squeezing and stroking it,
holding it inside her for a hundred heart-beats,
it is known as "Samdamsha" (the Tongs).
If, drawing up her feet,
she revolves her hips so that your penis
circles deep within her yoni,
you arching your body to help her,
it is "Bhramara" (the Bee).
If she now swings her hips
in wide circles and makes figures-of-eight,
swaying upon your body
as though she were riding on a seesaw,
it is "Prenkholita" (the Swing).
When her passion has ebbed,
she should rest, bending forward to lay
her forehead upon yours
without disturbing your yoked bodies:
it won't be long before desire stirs again.
Catching your penis, the lady
with dark eyes like upturned lotus petals
guides it into her yoni,
clings to you and shakes her buttocks:
this is "Charunarikshita" (Lovely Lady in Control).
Enthroned on your penis,
she places both hands on the bed
and makes love, while you
press your two hands to her thudding heart:
this is "Lilasana" (Seat of Sport).
She sits upright upon you,
her head thrown back like a rearing mare,
bringing her feet together
on the bed to one side of your body:
this is "Hansabandha" (the Swan).
The young woman has one foot
on your heart and the other on the bed.
Bold, saucy women adore this posture,
which is known to the world
as "Upavitika" (the Sacred thread).
If, with one of her feet
clasped in your hand
and the second placed upon your shoulder,
your young lady enjoys you,
it is "Viparitaka" (Reversed).
If your lover, seated above you
with feet lotus-crossed
and her body held erect and still
makes love to you,
it is known as "Yugmapada" (the Foot Yoke).
If she strides you,
facing your feet,
brings both her feet up to your thighs,
and works her hips frantically,
it is known as "Hansa-lila" (Swan Sport).
Your lover places one foot
on your ankle, lodges
her other foot just above your knee,
and rides you, swinging and rotating her hips:
this is "Garuda" (Garuda).
If you lie flat on your back
with legs stretched out
and your lover sits astride you, facing away
and grasping your feet,
it is called "Virsha" (the Bull).
Clasping each other's hands,
you lie sprawled like two starfish making love,
her breasts stabbing your chest,
her thighs stretched out along yours:
this is "Devabandha" (the Coitus of the Gods).
Lying upon you, your beloved
moves round like a wheel,
pressing hands one after the other on the bed,
kissing your body as she circles:
experts call this "Chakrabandha" (the Wheel).
If, by means of some contraption,
your lover suspends herself above you, **********
places your linga in her yoni **********
and pulleys herself up and down upon it, **********
it is "Utkalita" (the Orissan).** **********
**I must admit that this is kind of far fetched. However,
there is an illustration on the next page depicting this
position and showing two women pulling the woman up.
*** HOWEVER IF YOU DO GET A CHANCE, TRY IT OUT. IT'S ONE OF A KIND OF AN
EXPERIENCE.
WARNING I: DONT TRY ANY OF THESE METHODS DESCRIBED BELOW.
WARNING II:IF YOU ARE GOING TO TRY ANY ONE OF THE METHODS DESCRIBED BELOW,
YOU AND YOU ALONE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
To Enslave a Lover:
Anoint your penis, before lovemaking,
with honey into which
you have powered black pepper,
long pepper and "datura" (the green thorn apple) -
it will utterly devastate your lady.
Leaves caught as they fall from trees
and powdered with peacock-bone
and fragments of a corpse's winding-sheet
will, when dusted lightly
on the penis, bewitch any woman living.
If you crush milky chunks of cactus
with sulphur and realgar,
dry the mixture seven times, powder it
and apply it to your penis,
you'll satisfy the most demanding lover.
And if, to these powerful ingredients,
you add a monkey's turd,
grind them together and sprinkle the powder
on your unsuspecting lover's head,
she will be your devoted slave for life.
To Increase Potency:
-------------------
Honey-sweetened milk in which
the testicles of a ram
or a goat have been simmered
has the effect, when drunk,
of making a man as powerful as a bull.
Pumkin seeds ground with almonds
and sugarcane root,
or with cowhage root and strips of bamboo,
and stirred into honeyed milk,
have the same arousing effect.
The sages say that wheat-flour cakes
baked with honey and sugar
and sprinkled with the powdered seeds
of pumpkin and cowhage
give one strength for a thousand women.
The yolk of a single sparrow's egg
stirred into rice pudding
that has been thickened with cream,
wild-honey and "ghee" (clarified butter)
has the same invigorating effect.
Enlarging the Penis or "Yoni" (Vagina):
--------------------------------------
First rub your penis with wasp stings
and massage it with sweet oil.
When it swells, let it dangle for ten nights
through a hole in your bed,
going to sleep each night on your stomach.
After this period use a cool ointment
to remove the pain and swelling.
By this method men ... of insatiable
sexual appetite, manage to keep
their penises enlarged throughout their lives.
By applying an ointment made from
crushed barleria leaves
to her "yoni", the elephant(HASTHINI or large) woman
can spend at least one night
discovering the delights of being a doe ("small" woman).
Likewise the doe can use honey
mixed with powdered roots
of lotus, madder, "sal" (tree of aromatic gum),
the blue lotus and the mongoose plant
to accomodate a stallion for one night.
To Cope With Impotence:
----------------------
A man who climaxes too swiftly
should arouse his lady
by caressing her clitoris with his fingers
and flooding the well
of her yoni before he enters her.
If, during lovemaking, the erection
cannot be sustained because
the man is old, or simply exhausted
he should use the delicate
oral techniques given in an earlier chapter.
The man who is utterly unable
to achieve an erection
should pleasure his wife/lover with a phallus
crafted from materials like
gold, silver, copper, iron (!!), ivory or horn.
The artificial phallus should be shaped
to your natural proportions.
It will be more arousing for the lady
if the outside is studded
with a profusion of large, smooth nodules.
--
*******************************************************************************
Enclosed are the lyrics to _120 Days of Genitorture_, by the Genitorturers.
These lyrics are NOT 100% correct, even though I have both the album and an
official copy of the lyrics. If you have the album, you know that Gen's voice
is a bit hard to decipher. In addition, they decided to print the band symbol
black on black behind the lyrics on purple paper, making it next to impossible
to make out some words. Combine that with the fact the the lyric sheet has
several omissions (the entire last verse of "Velvet Dreams" comes to mind, not
to mention ALL of "Crack Track"), and you have problems. In any event, you get
the general idea.
Stuff in curly braces {} indicates discrepancies between the 'official' lyrics
and the stuff that Gen actually sings.
Stuff in brackets [] are samples or whispers or background type stuff. None of
it is in the official lyrics.
Notes are in parenthesis ().
All lyrics by Gen.
Brought to the 'Net by:
PeeWee (peewee@mathlab.mtu.edu) Typing, proofreading, inspiration
Evil (caadalin@mtu.edu) Proofreading, beer, arguments
Zerby (rpzerby@mtu.edu) Latin translation, Tarot readings
Comments, corrections, suggestions and discussion welcome. We are in no way
affiliated with IRS Records or the Genitorturers.
***********************************************************************
_120 Days of Genitorture_ (C) IRS Records on their Shock Therapy label
Gen: Vocals; Jerry: Guitar; Sean: Bass; A. Wolfgang R.: Drums
***********************************************************************
"120 Days"
[Unfathomable depths of fanaticism and depravity] (x5)
Do our choosing without hesitation...Give yourself over to sin.
Your one chance for redemption shall {will} come when the spark is ignited
within.
Forced to sever the ties to this world which is bound by lies.
{Your} Free from original sin, forced to find what was hidden within.
[Pleasurable moan]
Breathe you in; lead you out.
Inflame your passions within our depravity, give yourself over to sin.
[And depravity]
You won't emerge without transformation...Flesh our soul will win.
Forced to sever the ties to this world which is bound by lies.
You're free from original sin, forced to find what was {is} hidden within.
[I am in command] (x2)
Forced to lay, locked away, made to serve...another 120 days.
[This will even prevent masturbation]
You rise in the presence of our libertinage, taste all the pleasures of sin.
Your one desire controlled by perversion, compelled by lust within.
Forced to sever the ties, to this world which is bound by lies.
You're free from original sin...Release what was hidden within.
Forced to lay, locked away, made to serve...Another 120 days.
I slide a glance in your direction
Just what you need and then you'll want to say
"fill my hole with your affection"
Conditioned to begin
10 more hours to save your flowers, or watch them wilt away
We'll hunt you, we want you
Where forever is one day
Day! (x7)
-------------------------
"Reality Check"
White! Then you look away.
You reach for assistance when you start to sway.
Knees feel weak, as your vision fades away.
When you're faced with death, that's when you start to pray.
Blind! Now you can see the myths you create about reality.
Darkness on the streets, you let the world deceive you.
In my company, reality will greet you.
Psyche...Check...Check
Cry to me, as your vision fades away.
Gonna rate your sickness by your will to stay.
Blind. Now you don't see. No why. No where. No way.
{You're} better off to pray.
Darkness on the streets, you let the world deceive you.
In my company, reality will greet you.
Psyche...Check...Check...Check
Someday, gonna have to say, someday gonna {wanna} have a real dark day?
Someday, someday, gonna pay for play someday {I'm} gonna show a real quick
way...to see your life flash before your eyes.
White, then you look away.
I sense your resistance as you start to sway.
Knees feel weak, as your vision fades away.
Cause now you're faced with death and it's {there's} no use to pray.
Blind...Now you don't see.
I know why, know where; no way, better fuckin' pray.
{No why, no where, no way, better fuckin' pray}
Darkness on the streets, you {don't} let the {your} world deceive you.
In my company, reality will greet you. (x2)
Darkness on the streets, don't let the world deceive you.
In my company, reality will greet you.
Darkness on the streets, you let the world deceive you.
In my company, reality will greet you.
Psyche...Check...Check...Check
Beg (x4)
-------------------------
"Velvet Dreams"
Writhe among the flesh.
{We} stroke your fearful eyes.
Penetrations will collide, as I crawl inside.
As your eyes begin to slip, you come alive in my caress.
As our greedy fingers dig deep on the edge of a dreamless sleep.
chorus
Live steel drives deep. [drives deep]
Senses surging in you when you sleep. [when you sleep]
Come to me...Taste the need. [come to me]
Painfully urging me to watch you bleed.
I put the needle in you...I like {want} you on your back.
Velvet dreams...A quick solution to set you free.
As your sex begins to drip, the scent reminds you of my grip.
Your ruptured senses will divide as I slip inside.
chorus
I put the needle in you...I like {want} you on your back.
Velvet dreams...A quick solution to set you free.
Watch you quiver...Watch you shake.
Writhe...As I crawl inside.
When you're here all alone...
When you're dreaming...Watch you scream...
Deeper...Drive it deeper...Drive it deep inside of me.
Pain in places you never knew, as my world slips into you.
Take...Taste...
chorus
I put the needle in you...I like {want} you on your back.
Velvet dreams...Dig your fingers in me, I like you on your back.
Watch you quiver...Watch you shake.
Watch you bend the rules we make.
Inside (sic)
As I crawl inside.
When you're here all alone.
When you're in line. (?)
-------------------------
"House of Shame"
[I wanna hear you beg!]
House of Shame.
Come on back {Welcome} to the House of Shame.
Blood's burning to play my game now.
Racks are roasting. Bitches are boasting.
With your blood they are toasting.
Humiliation is your dream.
We'll make you laugh then scream.
Your body's itchin' for a switchin'...
In my torture kitchen!
Pain - You can't take it another day.
But you ain't leaving you're here to stay.
A precious moment without the pain,
breeds only longing in my {your} brain.
You will...I need...It's your fucking time to bleed.
You will obey everything I say.
You will remain while I'm dishing out your pain.
Your will is to blame in the House of Shame.
Stay {Pain}...In a world with no autonomy.
Branded slave, racked and hanging, only function is pissing and hanging.
Forced entry breeds with a heart full of self confidence. (?)
But who's to blame for your desire;
problem parents or porno flicks?
You will...I need...It's your fucking time to bleed.
You will obey everything I say.
You will remain while I'm dishing out your pain.
Your will is to blame in the House of Shame.
Pain - You can't take it another day.
But you ain't leaving, you're here to stay.
{For a} precious moment without the pain,
breeds only longing in my {your} brain.
In the House of Shame. (x3)
In the house of...
[lots of whispers that we can't make out]
You will...I need...It's your fucking time to bleed.
You will obey everything I say.
You will remain while I'm dishing out your pain.
Your will is to blame in the House of Shame.
Pain - You can't take it another day.
But you ain't leaving, you're here to stay.
{For a} precious moment without the pain,
breeds only longing in my {your} brain.
In the House of Shame. (x3)
In the house of...
Come on back to the House of Shame.
Your blood's burning to play our game now.
Racks are roasting, bitches are boasting.
With your blood they're toasting.
Humiliation is your dream.
I {We'll} make you laugh then scream.
Your body's itchin' for a switchin'...
in my torture kitchen!
-------------------------
"Pleasure In Restraint"
(This whole tune is full of whispering and background vocals...If you can make
them out, and they're right...I may just send you a small cash reward.)
Ad mala patrata haec sunt theatra parata.
(best translation so far is something like: "For the evil achiever these
theatres are prepared.")
Trick mortis, trick mortis, sick mortis [whispers]
Ask me; you question me.
Why must our pleasure always be in restraint?
[no pain, no pleasure]
Restraint, restraint (x2)
Ad mala patrata...In my slick black world.
Trick...Mortis...Sick...Mortis...In my slick black world.
Where senses crave to enslave...In my slick black world.
Deprive all senses; control {all} defenses.
Where sighs breed like flies.
Do you know, it's where perversion hides.
Bet you've never seen me ache as the panic melts away.
Bet you'll never waste...Could you take another taste of me?
[To accompany every penetration with a death rattle.] (x2)
[moan]
Feel it prick...Pleasure in restraint.
[moan]
Feel it stick.
[It is divine.] (x4)
It is divine in restraint.
Ask me; you question me.
Why must our pleasure always be in restraint?
Where sighs breed like flies.
It's where perversion hides...In my slick black world.
Deprive all senses; control desire.
Bet you'd never see me...Wake in a most unnerving way.
Bet you'd never ache...Could you take another taste of me?
[It is divine.] (x3)
Control...Decide [moan]
Feel it prick...[mortifing the flesh]
Pleasure in restraint (x2) [mortifing the flesh]
{Feel it stick}
Ask me; question me.
Why must our pleasure always be in restraint?
Pleasure in restraint (x3)
Such a sinful seed in my slick black world.
Is it such a dreadful deed in my slick black world.
Where treasured sighs breed like flies...In my slick black world.
Such a sinful seed...Says you're cumming in my slick black world.
-------------------------
"Lesser Gods"
Watch the ones that {who} will not let you see.
What falls beyond their conformity.
chorus
Of one God.
Of one Mind.
Of one Soul.
You take control.
You're set apart without a cross to wear.
Left alone with out their guilt to bear.
[indecipherable growl]
chorus (x2)
[whispers and samples and that same growl]
Transcend, transcend all of the worlds that trap you in.
Transcend, transcend another farce you'll have to end.
Watch the ones that {who} will not let you see,
what falls beyond their conformity.
chorus
[more whispers and samples]
chorus
-------------------------
"Jackin' Man"
Masturbating in your bedroom.
Spilling seed I see your pin.
Take your {a} bite and come inside.
I know your pain {is} far from insane.
chorus
Jack! Jack! Oh baby come in me.
Jack me! Smack me!
Bend me over...In my {your} face.
I need the harder way;
{That you} take my body for your own play.
Torch my soul, fill it how you wish.
To see you bleed is my {what I} need.
chorus
When I'm there you're jacking everywhere.
Can't you see it's what I want.
Say a prayer for jackin' while I beat you.
It's right in my...
[some sample]
Jack (x3)
Oh yeah
Jack (x4)
Master's play, is jackin' every day.
And when he's cumming it's what I want.
Your swollen vein jacks away the pain.
It's right in my...
Right there...
Masturbating in your bedroom.
Spilling seed I see your pin.
Take your {a} bite and come inside.
I know your pain.
Mmmmmm...My jackin' man...
-------------------------
"River's Edge/Strip the Flesh"
Rip it. Tearing me. Need it bad. Need that pain inside of me. (x2)
There's no pain without my name.
There is no pain without...
Said rip you baby yeah.
So tight.
chorus
Say you wanna make it in the nightime's deadly stare.
Never ever dreamed I'd deliver such a deep forbidden lair.
Tempt you to make {take} it, I'll take you for a ride.
Forever down by the river where I'll breathe you deep inside.
Say push...Say push it in...Say push...Say push it...in.
There is no pain without my name. (x2)
There is no pain in here.
Said rip you baby yeah.
So tight.
chorus
Rip it.
Gonna take you inside of me.
Gonna break you.
See what you can say.
Pain (x3)
Strip...In a fever lick my carcass.
I need to rape your shattered bones.
In a fever you were taken from my bed.
I need to suck you in.
My severed sore...you were a victim baby of my pain within.
Tormented twin, my pain within.
To live without your presence {is but a sin}.
Because I need your pain;
I need your pumping brain.
I need to break you . (x2)
In a fever I let my pain die.
I need to rape your shattered bones.
In a fever you were taken from my bed.
I need to suck...This.
My severed sore...you were a victim baby of my pain within.
Tormented twin, my pain within.
To live without your presence {is but a sin}.
Because I need your pain;
I need your pumping brain.
I need to break you. (x2)
Rip it {ripping}...Tear{ing}...Need it yeah {I need to strip the flesh}.
For pain.
Pain
Strip flesh
-------------------------
"Force Fed"
Back down in the dirt;
make it harder, make it hurt.
Say more...Grasp.
Thrust it.
Say you want {me} baby, {to} lick your sweat.
Say that you need me while it's wet.
I wanna see you on your back giving head.
On your knees...
Please, give it to me now.
Give me more.
Give me more.
More...
Give me more.
{You're} force fed (x2)
Force fed...Pool of lust.
Make it harder. Grasp {it}.
Thrust it.
Say you want me baby, {to} lick your sweat.
Say that you need me while it's {I'm} wet.
I wanna see you on your back...Giving head.
On your knees.
Please give it to me now.
Give me more.
Give me more.
More...
Give me more.
Forced fed.
I was forced fed.
[whispers]
Force fed. (x2)
Give it to me.
Force fed.
I was forced fed...yeah.
Forced fed. (x2)
Lick it.
-------------------------
"Crack track"
Pain!
Ride it baby. (x2)
Cracks his brain,
just enough to buy [lots of gibberish]
(Oh to hell with it...We have no clue what the lyrics to this tune are. Cash
reward time again...)
*******************************************************************************
from Star Trek the Next Generation: The Offspring
(Speaking to his child, Lal, on his quest to be more human)
Data> It is the struggle itself that is most important. We must strive to be
more than we are, Lal. It does not matter that we will never reach our
ultimate goal; the effort yelds it's own rewards.
Lal> You are wise father.
Data> That is the difference between knowledge and experience.
*******************************************************************************
- It doesn't count as tabloid reporting if you're only reporting that the
tabloids reported it.
- You're still sober as lounge as you can still say your worms promperly.
- It isn't a preexisting condition unless you had it before you existed.
- You're not fat if clothes are actually made in your size.
- You are not guilty of DUI if you thought someone else was driving.
- It isn't vote fraud unless you can prove those dead guys would have voted
the other way.
- You are not abusing drugs if you store them in a cool, dry place and never
yell at them.
- It is not premaritial sex if you have no intention of getting married.
- It is not speeding if there are still cars in front of you.
- It isn't adultry if she reminds you of your wife.
- It isn't reckless driving if you get into a wreck.
- You are not overweight if you can touch anybody's toes.
- It isn't procrastination if you decide to postpone it right now.
*******************************************************************************
Comparison of Elvis and Jesus according to A.J. Jacobs.
Jesus Elvis
----- -----
Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters. Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
Jesus was part of the trinity. Elvis's first band was a trio.
Jesus walked on water. (Mattew 14.25) Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii 1966)
Jesus was a carpenter. Elvis majored in wood-shop/industrial
art at High School.
Jesus is the Lord's Shepherd. Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
Jesus said "Love thy neighbour." Elvis said "Don't be Cruel".
(Matthew 22.39) (RCA 1956)
Jesus is a Capricorn (December 25th) Elvis is a Capricorn (January 8th)
Jesus's Countenance was like lightning Elvis's trademarks were a lightning
and his rainment white as snow. bolt and snow-white jumpsuits.
(Matthew 28.3)
Mary had an immaculate conception. Priscilla went to Immaculate Conception
High School.
Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. Elvis had irregular eating habits.
Jesus was Jewish. Elvis was part Jewish.
(Great Grandmother)
Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had a come back in 1968.
Jesus's Father is everywhere. Elvis's father Vernon, was a drifter who moved around quite a bit.
*******************************************************************************
Tablespoons
Teas Willis, and the sticky tours
Did gym and Gibbs in the wake.
All mimes were the borrowers,
And the moderate Belgrade.
"Beware the tablespoon my son,
The teeth that bite, the Claus that catch.
Beware the Subjects bird, and shred
The serious Bandwidth!"
He took his Verbal sword in hand:
Long time the monitors fog he sought,
So rested he by the Tumbled tree,
And stood a while in thought.
And as in selfish thought he stood,
The tablespoon, with eyes of Flame,
Came stifling through the trigger wood,
And troubled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and though,
The Verbal blade went thicker shade.
He left it dead, and with its head,
He went gambling back.
"And host Thai slash the tablespoon?
Come to my arms my bearish boy.
Oh various day! Cartoon! Cathay!"
He charted in his joy.
Teas Willis, and the sticky tours
Did gym and Gibbs in the wake.
All mimes were the borrowers,
And the moderate Belgrade.
Lewis Carrol's JABBERWOCKY as "recognized" by the Apple Newton, (c) 1993
Robert McNally. Permission is granted to reproduce this if the copyright
remains intact.
*******************************************************************************
The Official Sodomy Forecast for 14-Oct-93, 1:55a
10" in the next 6 hours, with increasing pain before dawn. Prevailing
humiliation from the south with fisting predicted within 24 hours.
Visibility will be limited to about 12% by pillow in face. Warm front
rising rapidly, followed by steady heat exchange between systems and
resulting in golden showers. Rocky road conditions will be slippery in
the early a.m., so rubbers are advised -- carry whips and chains for
changing conditions and fetishes.
* BULLETIN: 12.3" of virgin power are forecast for the Rockies.
Meanwhile, tropical storm trooper Brenda is whipping in from the
coast with handcuffs, poised for a strong blow.
Current Rectal Temp: 99.1 degrees F
*******************************************************************************
from Mel's mind:
"You can play with me." -Mel to a dejected Pee Wee
"Your going to be disappointed...You'll see why." -PeeWee to Mel as she's
unbuttoning his jeans
"I don't have standards." -Mel
"That's a hard one." -Mel poking at it
"Clearly, I am very wet." -Mel
"When you were wetter, it smelled more." -Brother Sunshine to Mel
"I like to bounce." -Mel
"Oww! That hurts! Push Harder!" -Mel
"I was trying to jam it in." -Mel
"oh, yess... please peewee, hit me, hit me hard... make me bleed...." -Mel
"I hate swallowing." -Mel
"Thank you for pointing out my inadequacies." -PeeWee to Mel
"Mel brought the pink bikini, but didn't wear it." -Chuck (hmmmm...)
"I didn't see anything." -Evil after looking down Mel's shirt
"You're not very filling." -Mel to PeeWee
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose. - Farmers Almanac
Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he
can blame it on. --- Jones' Law
If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the
wrong lane.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A Whole Nude World ( A Whole New World )
by Jack Walther and friends
ALADDIN
I can show you my penis,
Big and sparkling and splendid,
I can make it extended
On my magic mattress ride.
I can open your thighs,
Rock your body like thunder,
Over, sideways, and under
On my magic mattress ride.
A whole nude world,
A new fantastic way to screw,
Everyone tells me "no,"
I need a blow,
So I can start my screaming.
JASMINE
A whole nude world,
My sizzling space you never knew,
But when you're way down there,
Engrossed in hair,
Now I'm in a whole nude world with you.
ALADDIN
Now I'm in a whole nude world with you.
JASMINE
Unbelievable size,
Indescribable squealing
Leaning, bending, and kneeling
At my moist and gaping thighs.
A whole nude world
ALADDIN
Don't you dare close your thighs
JASMINE
A hundred thousand sperm in me
ALADDIN
Hold your breath-- it gets better
JASMINE
I'm like a shooting star,
I've come so far,
I can't go back to my virginity.
ALADDIN
A whole nude world
JASMINE
Every thrust of your thighs
ALADDIN
With new positions we can screw
JASMINE
Every moment gets wetter
BOTH
I'll lick you anywhere,
Hey, I don't care,
Let me share this whole nude world with you.
ALADDIN
A whole nude world
JASMINE
A whole nude world
ALADDIN
That's where we'll be
JASMINE
That's where we'll be
ALADDIN
A thrilling taste
JASMINE
Of my hot place
BOTH
To you from me.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Grandmother's Song by Steve Martin
Be courteous, kind and forgiving.
Be gentle and peaceful each day.
Be warm and human and grateful,
and have a good thing to say.
Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike.
Be witty and happy and wise.
Be honest and love all your neighbors.
Be insiqueous, purple, and clairvoyant.
Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus.
Be dull and boring and omnipresent.
Critisize things you don't know about.
Be oblong and have your knees removed.
Be tastless, rude and offensive.
Live in a swamp and be three dimensional.
Put a live chicken in your underwear.
Get all excited and go to a yawning festival.
Go in a closet and suck eggs.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
_Death is Death_
Death is Death
It is Evil
And everything that is sacred
Surrounding us in life
Death is a predator
Preying on the living to survive
We are all helpless against it
Just mere mortals fighting
The hopeless cause of avoiding death
Death is the Stranger
Trying to get in
But we don't let it enter
Because we are afraid
Death is the Wind
Trying to blow into our being
But we shut ourselves away from it
Hoping, in vain, that it will vanish
But death is inevitable
Death is Death
______________________________________________________________________________
_Goodbye_
the final hour
has come
he lays silent
not sleeping
just thinking
there is sadness
in the air
she sits
not talking
or feeling
just thinking
of what's going to come
her pretty tear-stained face
is troubled
he takes her hand
into his
the warmth comforts her
finally he whispers
i love you
and closes his eyes
*******************************************************************************
Title : Addicted To Vi
Original : Addicted To Love
Group : Robert Palmer
Author : Chuck Musciano
Intro : After thinking about that poor wretch who has become
I was inspired to compose the following ditty, sung to the tune of
"Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer.
Addicted To Vi
(with apologies to Robert Palmer)
You press the keys with no effect,
Your mode is not correct.
The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
You forgot to press escape.
Can't insert, can't delete,
Cursor keys won't repeat.
You try to quit, but can't leave,
An extra "bang" is all you need.
You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!
You edit files one at a time;
That doesn't seem too out of line?
You don't think of keys to bind--
A meta key would blow your mind.
H, J, K, L? You're not annoyed?
Expressions must be a Joy!
Just press "f", or is it "t"?
Maybe "n", or just "g"?
Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!
Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!
You press the keys without effect,
Your life is now a wreck.
What a waste! Such a shame!
And all you have is vi to blame.
Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!
Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!
*******************************************************************************
For those that know anything about the teachings Aikido, you will
understand......
I create space..
Examine it
I touch...
Feel it
I blend...
become it
The spirals move inward, and balance
Intermingles with air
Flying...
sense it
Earth...
My haven, my compainion
Space...
The spirals start again.
---Chuck Charbeneau
30 Apr 93
*******************************************************************************
As time would have it, the need for renewal comes in cycles, circling
around...waiting for it's moment.
There's a change that is needed,
but where, I cannot find...
A heart-felt exclamation
from body, soul, mind
and spirit.
I feel that I have to change, but
my eyes cannot see
What it is that must transform
is it within you or me,
or just between us?
---Chuck Charbeneau 5/12/93
*******************************************************************************
Solitude, in its right
is being inside of oneself, but
without.
Without the companionship of
those without, so we go within.
Within walls of darkness
A comforting thought emerges;
Asking to give,
Giving what is asked, and wanting nothing..
The Nothing of within,
To take it
and run,
Run within,
Solitude, without...
A nothingness that can't be behld
An entity that can't be ignored.
Solitude, within.
With
You.
----Chuck Charbeneau
May 14, 1993
*******************************************************************************
Perchance to dream.
I dream of forgivness,
hope, love.
My dreams are despondant to
my mind...
Fruition never comes
and hands never clasp...
I wonder and wander,
down these halls
of
dreams.
----Chuck Charbeneau
May 14, 1993
*******************************************************************************
Ahh screw Webster...
411: Aeros will never know.
Beta Testing: v. To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
Bondage: Apart from being a wild sensation, it enables many people who can't
otherwise do so to let go to the last degree.*
Cassolette: French for perfume box. NOTE: the natural perfume of a woman
is her greatest sexual asset after her beauty.*
cursor: a naughty boy with soap on his breath.
hammered: s. A state unlike being conscious; v. To be hit with a precision
adjustment tool; local. A unwanted side effect of being at Tech during
certian drinking rituals the day before an early morning class. Example:
A female person, looking somewhat ragged in SS151 says, "Oh, my sister came
to town last night and we got kinda 'HAMMERED' at the bar." - clearly shows
she likes to be beaten, unconscious... :) -Mikey
Nakedness: the normal state for lovers who take their work at all seriously.*
Nap: Going back to sleep after taking a shower. -Jason
Peace: Take a time out for a beer and to reload your weapon...
pixel, n.: A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the
sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the
trolls in the marketing department. -Jeff Meyer
PROGRAM -- 1. (noun) A magic spell cast over a computer to enable it to
turn your input into error messages. 2. (v.t.) A pastime similar to
banging your head against a wall but with fewer opportunities for reward.
Sex Magick: taking a fantasy and turning it into reality, creating a magical
space in which everything is permitted and anything can happen.
Skin: It's importance as a sex organ is grossly underrated by men; women not
only understand it better but rate it much higher.*
Tenderness: implies a constant awareness of what your partner is feeling.*
------------------------
* from _The Joy of Sex_ by Alex Comfort
*******************************************************************************
GENITALIC SLANG
BREASTS: Apple dumpling shop, apples, appurtenances, babaloos, baby pillows,
baby's public house, bags, balcony, balloons, baloobas, bazongas, bazonkers,
bazooms, bazoongies, beausom, beauts, bee-bites, begonias, bejonkers, berks,
bezongas, big brown eyes, blubbers, bobbers, bodacious tatas,boobies, boobs,
bosiasms, bosiasm, bosoms, boulders, bouncers, bra-busters, breastworks,
breests, Bristol Cities, Bristols, bubbies, bubbles, buffers, bulbs, bum-
pers, bumps, bust, butter-bags, butter boxes, cabman's rests, cans, cats and
kitties, cat heads, Charlies, charms, che-chees, chest and bedding, chest-
nuts, chubbies, cokernuts, cream-jugs, cupcake, dairies, diddies, digs, din-
ners, droopers, dubbies, dumplings, dumpling-shop, east and west, eyes,
feeding-bottles, figure, flip-flaps, fore-buttocks, fried eggs, front,
garbonzos, gazongas, gazungas, globes, goonas, grapefruit, grapes, growths,
hands, hand-warmers, hangers, headlights, hemispheres, hogjaws, honeydew
melons, hooters, jelly-on-springs, Jersey Cities, Jugheads, jugs, kajoobies,
kettledrums, knockers, lemons, Lewis and Witties, lollos, love-bubbles,
lovetips, lungs, lung warts, Mae West, mammets, Manchester City, Manchesters,
maracas, marshmallows, masob, meat, meat-market, melons, milk-bottles,
milk-shop, milk-walk, milky way, mosquito bites, mountains, mount of lilies,
muffins, murphies, nature's fonts, nick-nacks, ninnies, ninny-jugs, norgies,
Norma Snockers, nubbies, nuggets, oranges, other parts, pair, panters,
pantry shelves, paps, peaches, pellets, playground, poonts, prize faggots,
pumps, racks, sacks, snorbs, superdroopers, sweater full, swingers, teacups,
the person, thousand pitties, threepenny bits, tonsils, top, top ballocks,
top ones, toraloorals, torpedo, towns and cities, treasure, tremblers, trey
bits, twin loveliness, twins, udder, upper-deck, upper-works, veiled twins,
voos, wallopies, warts, watermelons, snack trays, and of course tits.
*******************************************************************************
Evil according to Roget's Thesaurus:
#830. [Capability of giving pain; cause or source of pain].
Painfulness. -- N. painfulness &c. adj.; trouble, care &c. (pain) 828;
trial; affliction, infliction; blow, stroke, burden, load, curse; bitter
pill, bitter draught; waters of bitterness.
annoyance, grievance, nuisance, vexation, mortification,
sickener[obs3]; bore, bother, pother, hot water, "sea of troubles"
[Hamlet], hornet's nest, plague, pest.
cancer, ulcer, sting, thorn; canker &c. (bane) 663; scorpion &c. (evil
doer) 913; dagger &c. (arms) 727; scourge &c. (instrument of punishment)
975; carking care, canker worm of care.
mishap, misfortune &c. (adversity) 735; desagrement[Fr],
esclandre[Fr], rub.
source of irritation, source of annoyance; wound, open sore; sore
subject, skeleton in the closet; thorn in the flesh, thorn in one's side;
where the shoe pinches, gall and wormwood.
sorry sight, heavy news, provocation; affront &c. 929; "head and front
of one's offending" [Othello].
V. desire; wish, wish for; be desirous &c. adj. have a longing &c. n.;
hope &c. 858.
infestation, molestation; malignity &c. (malevolence) 907.
V. cause pain, occasion pain, give pain, bring pain, induce pain,
produce pain, create pain, inflict pain &c. 828; pain, hurt, wound.
pinch, prick, gripe &c. (physical pain) 378; pierce, lancinate[obs3],
cut.
hurt the feelings, wound the feelings, grate upon the feelings, grate
upon the nerves, jar upon the feelings; wring the heart, pierce the heart,
lacerate the heart, break the heart, rend the heart; make the heart bleed;
tear the heart strings, rend the heart strings; draw tears from the eyes.
sadden; make unhappy &c. 828; plunge into sorrow, grieve, fash[obs3],
afflict, distress; cut up, cut to the heart.
displease, annoy, incommode, discompose, trouble, disquiet; faze,
feaze[obs3], feeze (U[obs3].S.); disturb, cross, perplex, molest, tease,
tire, irk, vex, mortify, wherret|, worry, plague, bother, pester, bore,
pother, harass, harry, badger, heckle, bait, beset, infest, persecute,
importune.
wring, harrow, torment, torture; bullyrag; put to the rack, put to the
question; break on the wheel, rack, scarify; cruciate[obs3], crucify;
convulse, agonize; barb the dart; plant a dagger in the breast, plant a
thorn in one's side.
irritate, provoke, sting, nettle, try the patience, pique, fret, rile,
tweak the nose, chafe, gall; sting to the quick, wound to the quick, cut to
the quick; aggrieve, affront, enchafe[obs3], enrage, ruffle, sour the
temper; give offense &c. (resentment) 900.
maltreat, bite, snap at, assail; smite &c. (punish) 972.
sicken, disgust, revolt, nauseate, disenchant, repel, offend, shock,
stink in the nostrils; go against the stomach, turn the stomach; make one
sick, set the teeth on edge, go against the grain, grate on the ear; stick
in one's throat, stick in one's gizzard; rankle, gnaw, corrode, horrify,
appal[obs3], appall, freeze the blood; make the flesh creep, make the hair
stand on end; make the blood curdle, make the blood run cold; make one
shudder.
haunt the memory; weigh on the heart, prey on the heart, weigh on the
mind, prey on the mind, weigh on the spirits, prey on the spirits; bring
one's gray hairs with sorrow to the grave; add a nail to one's coffin.
Adj. causing pain, hurting &c. v.; hurtful &c. (bad) 649; painful;
dolorific[obs3], dolorous; unpleasant; unpleasing, displeasing;
disagreeable, unpalatable, bitter, distasteful; uninviting; unwelcome;
undesirable, undesired; obnoxious; unacceptable, unpopular, thankless.
unsatisfactory, untoward, unlucky, uncomfortable.
distressing; afflicting, afflictive; joyless, cheerless, comfortless;
dismal, disheartening; depressing, depressive; dreary, melancholy,
grievous, piteous; woeful, rueful, mournful, deplorable, pitiable,
lamentable; sad, affecting, touching, pathetic.
irritating, provoking, stinging, annoying, aggravating, mortifying,
galling; unaccommodating, invidious, vexatious; troublesome, tiresome,
irksome, wearisome; plaguing, plaguy[obs3]; awkward.
importunate; teasing, pestering, bothering, harassing, worrying,
tormenting, carking.
intolerable, insufferable, insupportable; unbearable, unendurable;
past bearing; not to be borne, not to be endured; more than flesh and blood
can bear; enough to drive one mad, enough to provoke a saint, enough to
make a parson swear, enough to gag a maggot.
shocking, terrific, grim, appalling, crushing; dreadful, fearful,
frightful; thrilling, tremendous, dire; heart-breaking, heart-rending,
heart-wounding, heart-corroding, heart-sickening; harrowing, rending.
odious, hateful, execrable, repulsive, repellent, abhorrent; horrid,
horrible, horrific, horrifying; offensive.
nauseous, nauseating; disgusting, sickening, revolting; nasty;
loathsome, loathful[obs3]; fulsome; vile &c. (bad) 649; hideous &c. 846.
V. desire; wish, wish for; be desirous &c. adj. have a longing &c. n.;
hope &c. 858.
sharp, acute, sore, severe, grave, hard, harsh, cruel, biting,
caustic; cutting, corroding, consuming, racking, excruciating, searching,
grinding, grating, agonizing; envenomed; catheretic[obs3], pyrotic[Med].
ruinous, disastrous, calamitous, tragical; desolating, withering;
burdensome, onerous, oppressive; cumbrous, cumbersome.
Adv. painfully &c. adj;; with pain &c. 828; deuced.
Int. hinc illae lachrymae[Lat]!
Phr. surgit amari aliquid[Lat][obs3]; the place being too hot to hold
one; the iron entering into the soul; "he jests at scars that never felt a
wound" [Romeo and Juliet]; "I must be cruel only to be kind" [Hamlet];
"what deep wounds ever closed without a scar?" [Byron].
*******************************************************************************
Finding the G-spot: If your hand is big enough, you can play the "C" and the
"G" in unison. If she's willing, you can play the "A" with your other hand,
too. When she's had enough of that put your "D" in and give her a major "F".
If your performance is good, she'll ask for an encore. -Reid Kneeland
*******************************************************************************
The Yoni Massage
BACKGROUND INFO:
Yoni (pronounced YO-NEE) is a Sanskrit word for the vagina that
is loosely translated as "Sacred Space" or "Sacred Temple." It's
meaning and use is an alternate perspective from the Western view
of the female genitals (i.e., Pussy, Cunt, Twat, etc., words which
may or may not be complimentary depending on the intent of their
usage). In Tantra, the Yoni is seen from a perspective of love and
respect. This is especially helpful for men to learn.
The purpose of the Yoni Massage is to create a space for the
woman (the receiver) to relax, and enter a state of high arousal and
experience much pleasure from her Yoni. Her partner (the giver)
experiences the joy of being of service and witnessing a special
moment. The Yoni Massage can also be used as a form of safer sex
(when latex gloves are used) and is an excellent activity to build
trust and intimacy. Some massage and sex therapists use it to assist
women to break through sexual blocks or trauma.
The goal of the Yoni massage is not orgasm. Orgasm is often a
pleasant and welcome side effect. The goal is simply to pleasure
and massage the Yoni/vagina. From this perspective both receiver
and giver can relax, and not have to worry about achieving
something. When orgasm does occur it is usually more expanded,
more intense and more satisfying. Orgasm is allowed to happen or
not happen.
It is also helpful for the giver to not expect anything in return. Just
allow the receiver to enjoy the massage and to relax into herself
afterwards. Of course, other sexual activity may follow but it
should be entirely the receiver's choice. This perspective will build
greater intimacy and trust, and will greatly expand your sexual
horizons.
PREPARATION:
Bathing is always helpful as it relaxes both the receiver and giver. A
quiet space is desirable with pleasing music, candles, pillows, etc.,
or whatever makes the participants relax and feel safe. Allow
yourself enough time and do not hurry through the process.
Go to the bathroom before beginning the massage. The best results
will occur when the bowels and bladder are empty and you will
avoid the unnecessary experience of interrupting the massage to go
to the bathroom.
Connect with your partner by hugging, holding, eye gazing (looking
into each other's eyes for an extended time), or whatever brings you
to a place of safety and relaxation.
PROCEDURE:
Have the receiver lie on her back with pillows under her head so
she can look down at her genitals and up at her partner (giver).
Place a pillow, covered with a towel, under her hips. Her legs are to
be spread apart with the knees slightly bent (pillows or cushions
under the knees will also help) and her genitals clearly exposed for
the massage.
The giver sits cross-legged between the receivers' legs. The giver
may wish to sit on a pillow or cushion. This position allows full
access to the Yoni and other parts of the body.
Before contacting the body, begin with deep, relaxed breathing.
Both giver and receiver should remember to keep breathing deeply,
slowly and with relaxation during the entire process. The giver will
gently remind the receiver to start breathing again if the receiver
stops or takes shallower breaths. Deep breathing, not
hyperventilating, is very important here.
Gently massage the legs, abdomen, thighs, breasts, etc., to get the
receiver to relax and for the giver to prepare for touching the Yoni.
Pour a small quantity of a high-quality oil or lubricant on the mound
of the Yoni. Pour just enough so that it drips down the outer lips
and covers the outside of the Yoni. (Several excellent sexual
lubricants are available for this. Many lingerie shops, sex toy shops,
sex magazines, etc., offer these safe lubricants. My favorite is Yoni
Play from Looking Good Enterprises.)
Begin gently massaging the mound and outer lips of the Yoni.
Spend some time here and do not rush. Relax and enjoy giving the
massage. Gently squeeze the outer lip between the thumb and index
finger, and slide up and down the entire length of each lip. Do the
same thing to the inner lips of the Yoni/vagina. Take your time.
The receiver can massage her own breasts or may just relax and
continue breathing deeply.
It is helpful for giver and receiver to look into each other's eyes as
much as possible. The receiver can tell the giver if the pressure,
speed, depth, etc., needs to be increased or decreased. Limit your
speaking and focus on the pleasurable sensations. (It is my
experience that too much talking gets one out of their feelings and
diminishes the effects.)
Gently stroke the clitoris with clockwise and counter-clockwise
circles. Gently squeeze it between thumb and index fingers. Do this
as a massage and not to get the receiver off. The receiver will
undoubtedly become very aroused but continue to encourage her to
just relax and breathe.
Slowly and with great care, insert the middle finger of your right
hand into the Yoni (there is a reason for using the right hand as
opposed to the left. It has to do with polarity in Tantra.). Very
gently explore and massage the inside of the Yoni/vagina with this
finger. Take your time, be gentle, and feel up, down and sideways.
Vary the depth, speed and pressure. Remember, this is a massage
and you're nurturing and relaxing the Yoni.
With your palm facing up, and the middle finger inside the Yoni,
move the middle finger in a "come here" gesture or crook back
towards the palm. You will contact a spongy area of tissue just
under the pubic bone, behind the clitoris. This is the G-spot or in
Tantra, the sacred spot (there are many excellent books that go into
detail about this area). Your partner may feel as if they have to
urinate or it may be painful or pleasurable. Again vary the pressure,
speed and pattern of movement. You can move side to side, back
and forth, or in circles with your middle finger. You can also insert
the finger that's between your middle finger and pinky. Check with
your partner first before sticking two fingers into them. Most
women should have no problem and will enjoy the increased
stimulation from two fingers. Take your time and be very gentle.
You may use the thumb of the right hand to stimulate the clitoris as
well.
An option to try if the receiver wants it is to insert the pinky of the
right hand into her anus. Ask her first and do not insert your pinky
into her Yoni/vagina after it has been in her anus. Use lubrication
and be very gentle.
(In Tantra, it is said that when your pinky is in her anus, the next
finger and middle finger in her Yoni/vagina, and your thumb on
your clitoris, "You are holding one of the mysteries of the universe
in your hand.")
So, what is your left hand doing all this time? You can use it to
massage the breasts, abdomen, or clitoris. If you massage the
clitoris it's usually best to use your thumb in an up down motion,
with the rest of your hand resting on and massaging the mound.
The dual stimulation of right and left hands will provide much
pleasure for the receiver. I do not recommend using your left hand
to touch your own genitals because it may take your focus off the
receiver. Remember, this massage is for her pleasure and much of
the benefit comes from not only the physical stimulation but the
intent as well.
Continue massaging, trying different speeds, pressures and motions.
Keep breathing and looking into each other's eyes. She may have
powerful emotions come up and may cry. Just keep breathing and
be gentle. Many women have been sexually abused and need to be
healed. A giving, loving and patient partner can be of great value to
her.
If she has an orgasm, keep her breathing, and continue massaging if
she wants. More orgasms may occur, each gaining in intensity. In
Tantra this is called "riding the wave."
Many women can learn how to be multi-orgasmic with the Yoni
Massage and a very patient partner.
Keep massaging until she tells you to stop. Very slowly, gently, and
with respect, remove your hands. Allow her to just lay there and
enjoy the afterglow of the Yoni massage. Cuddling or holding is
very soothing as well. As you learn to master the Yoni Massage
your sex life will be greatly enriched and you will learn a great deal
about feminine sexuality.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex Magic Process
by Jeffery Tye
I want to share something I call the Sex Magic Reality
Creation Process (SMRCP). It is a powerful tool that is
appropriate for deliberate reality creation. As many of you
know, I've been practicing Tantra/Sacred Sexuality for
many years and have enjoyed wonderful benefits from it.
One of my favorite areas of study is Sex Magic. I've
successfully incorporated the SMRCP in my reality creation
toolbox. It is with much joy that I share it with you,
have some fun with it.
BACKGROUND:
Sex is one of the most (some say THE most) powerful
energies on the planet. To grasp it's awesome and often
overlooked power, take a look at the starving Somalis.
Take away their food, take away their dignity, humiliate and
torture them and THEY STILL MAKE BABIES.
Within our loins lies an energy that has the potential to
create ANY reality we want. Unfortunately, most humans have a
love/hate relationship with sex that is reflected in many
ways (i.e., unsafe promiscuity, self-destructive perversions,
denial, shutdown, religious intolerance, rape, abuse, etc.).
Religion has done much to suppress our divine sexual nature
and has kept the masses ignorant of the potential uses of
sexual energy.
When we accept and embrace our sexual nature we are free
to use it's awesome power for our benefit. We no longer
worship it or deny it. We come into balance and view our
sexuality as part of our divinity. It becomes joyful, light
and loving. We learn to use sex for more than procreation or
sensual gratification.
I want to make a comment about celibacy. Many people,
including so-called enlightened teachers and religious
figures, misunderstand celibacy. True celibacy is not a denial
or suppression of sexual energy. True celibacy is when one
chooses to focus/channel their sexual energy, in non-sexual
ways, into other areas of their being. There are many ways
to do this but Sex Magic is not one of them since it involves
sexual stimulation. Tantra embraces both the sexual path
and the celibate path.
Sex is creative energy. Magic is the art of creating reality.
True magic is simply the art of creating what you want. We
can liken all the processes given to us by masters and
teachers (Seth, Alexander, Abraham, Avatar, etc.), as tools
in our magician's or Shaman's bag. People who consciously
and deliberately create their reality are the ultimate
magicians on the planet.
SEX MAGIC:
Sex Magic is based on the belief that the most powerful
moment of human existence is the orgasm. Sex Magic is the
art of utilizing sexual orgasm to create a reality and/or
expand consciousness. All senses and psychic powers are
heightened during orgasm. It is a moment when a window
opens to the unlimited abundance of the unlimited universe.
Now, some may argue that they fantasize about some
person or event during sex and it never materializes into a
reality. This is because most of us, at the moment of
orgasm, lose our focus and get lost in the physical response.
That's okay, there's nothing wrong with using sex for pure
pleasure. That intention is also a created reality. The
SMRCP is about maintaining one's focus during orgasm and
channeling the energy into creating a reality. Any reality,
whether it's creating a new job, car, experience, relationship,
etc.
THE PROCESS:
Relax and breathe deeply. Breathing deeply is key to the
success of Sex Magic. Take your time and relax your body,
especially your jaw and belly.
Identify what you want to create. It's important to choose
something that really excites you. Make it specific. You can
write it down or say it out loud as a mantra or affirmation.
Make it in the present tense or as if it's a reality already
(i.e., "I earn $85,000 per year.")
Focus on the creation. See, hear, taste, smell and feel the
creation as if it's real. Visualize yourself in the creation. For
example, what is your life like when you earn that $85,000?
What does it FEEL like? Make it big, in Technicolor, with
all your focus and intention. Breathe into it. Now, when
you've identified the feeling and/or picture that best captures
what you want to create, FILE IT AWAY in your mind and
relax. (You may want to practice a bit with this step before
proceeding.)
Do whatever brings you almost to orgasm. This can be
masturbation or sexual activity with a supportive partner.
Remember to relax and breathe into your orgasmic state.
Take your time. Bring yourself almost to orgasm, backing
off just before the point-of-no-return, several or more times.
What you're doing here is charging up the sexual battery.
I'll digress here for a moment. It's easier for women
to do this process because orgasm is usually not an
energy drain for them (as long as they're not
engaging in wild, aerobic and physically exhausting
sex). Women are able to climax multiple times
("Riding the Bliss-Wave" in Tantra) gaining
tremendous energy from it. So, to my sisters, I
encourage you to relax, breathe, and have fun. It's
also very helpful to strengthen your PC/vaginal
muscle and get in touch with your G/Sacred Spot.
There are many good books which cover this. My
favorite is "The Art of Sexual Ecstasy" by Margo
Anand. I'll do a follow-up post about the "Yoni
Massage" that you can use with a supportive partner
in conjunction with the SMRCP.
The men are another story because their orgasmic
energy is usually expelled out of their pelvis, in their
semen, and out of their body. Fortunately this can be
handled! Unfortunately I won't be able to teach you
within the limits of USENET and e-mail. I
encourage my brothers to learn and practice the art
of ejaculatory control (I prefer the term Ejaculatory
Mastery) and create an INjaculation. There are
several good books about this. Margo Anand's book
covers this. For the time being, just relax, breathe
and come CLOSE to ejaculation SIX times before
you release your semen. I'll follow-up with the
"Lingam Massage" that you can use with a
supportive partner in conjunction with the SMRCP.
When you have almost reached orgasm, after coming close
several times and you're ready to let go, recall from your
mind the reality you want to create and energize it with
focused intention. Make it vivid, exciting, big and beautiful.
When you orgasm, keep focused on the picture/creation and
deliberately channel the orgasm into it. Just let it flow into
the reality you want to create. Remember to keep breathing
during the orgasm and breathe your orgasmic energy into
your creation/goal/dream/reality. Stay focused and hold the
picture. Your body will do the rest (this is why a partner is
very helpful -- they can do the physical work for you :-).
You can repeat the process if you want to come to another
orgasm.
The reality will create itself immediately or will be buffered
by time. It may also manifest as an opportunity, insight,
healing, etc. The power of the SMRCP will blow your mind
as you master it! Have fun with your creations.
*******************************************************************************
A Contribution to the Mathematical Theory of Big Game Hunting
=============================================================
Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.
1. Mathematical Methods
1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method
We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert. After that we
introduce the following logical system:
Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty.
Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a lion in
the cage.
Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds:
"P implies Q", then Q is a theorem.
Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage.
1.2 The geometrical inversion method
We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from inside. We
then performe an inversion with respect to the cage. Then the lion is inside
the cage, and we are outside.
1.3 The projective geometry method
Without loss of generality we can view the desert as a plane surface. We
project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an interiour point
of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same point.
1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method
Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is then
either in the eastern or in the western part. Lets assume it is in the eastern
part. Divide this part by a line running from east to west. The lion is either
in the northern or in the southern part. Lets assume it is in the northern
part. We can continue this process arbitrarily and thereby constructing with
each step an increasingly narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter
of the chosen partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a
fence of arbitrarily small diameter.
[addendum]
1.4.1 Application of Zeno's paradox upon the Bolzano-Weirstrass method
Since the area being searched is being reduced by 1/2 in each recursive
iteration of this algorithm, the Lion will never be caught. Each iteration
causes you to get a little closer to the lion, but only at maximum
1/2 of the way closer. After an infinite number of iterations, you
will approach catching the lion, but never will actually catch it.
1.5 The set theoretical method
We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore contains an
enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a sequence with the lion as
its limit. We silently approach the lion in this sequence, carrying the proper
equipment with us.
1.6 The Peano method
In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the desert. It has
been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in arbitrarily short time.
Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear, in a time less than what it takes
the lion to move a distance equal to its own length.
1.7 A topological method
We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus. We embed
the desert in a four dimensional space. Then it is possible to apply a
deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning to the three
dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then completely helpless.
1.8 The Cauchy method
We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage. Consider the integral
1 [ f(z)
------- I --------- dz
2 \pi i ] z - \zeta
C
where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta), i.e. there
is a lion in the cage [3].
1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method
We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-\infinity,\infinity), whose
fourier transform vanishes nowhere. We put this lion somewhere in the desert.
L_0 then converges toward our cage. According to the general Wiener-Tauner
theorem [4] every other lion L will converge toward the same cage.
(Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily close by translating L_0
through the desert [5].)
2 Theoretical Physics Methods
2.1 The Dirac method
We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara desert.
Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they are tame. We leave
catching a tame lion as an execise to the reader.
2.2 The Schroedinger method
At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in the cage.
Sit and wait.
2.3 The nuclear physics method
Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator [6] on
it and a wild lion.
As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's sake) a
male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and apply the Heisenberg
exchange operator [7], exchanging spins.
2.4 A relativistic method
All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts of the
companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been eaten we send a
beam of light through the desert. This will curl around the lion so it gets all
confused and can be approached without danger.
3 Experimental Physics Methods
3.1 The thermodynamics method
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions pass
through. This we drag across the desert.
3.2 The atomic fission method
We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes radioactive and
starts to diintegrate. Once the disintegration process is progressed far enough
the lion will be unable to resist.
3.3 The magneto-optical method
We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria) such that
its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal component of the
earth's magnetic field. We put the cage in one of the field's foci. Throughout
the desert we distribute large amounts of magnetized spinach (spinacia
oleracea) which has, as everybody knows, a high iron content. The spinach is
eaten by vegetarian desert inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions.
Afterwards the lions are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and
the resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense.
[1] After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real
Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457
[2] H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3
[3] According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch der
Funktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch every lion
except for at most one.
[4] N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of itsl Applications" (1933),
pp 73-74
[5] N. Wiener, ibid, p 89
[6] cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8
(1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107
[7] ibid "
*******************************************************************************
NAME
flog - speed up a process
SYNOPSIS
flog [-l] [-a] [-u] process-id
DESCRIPTION
Flog is used to stimulate an improvement in the performance of a process
that is already in execution. The process_id is the process number of
the process that is to be disciplined.
The value n of the -l flag is the flagellation constant, i.e., the
number of lashes to be administered per minute. If this argument is
omitted, the default is 17, which is the most random random number.
The value m of the -a flag is the number of times the inducement to
speed up is to be administered. If this argument is omitted, the
default is one, which is based on the possibility that after that the
process will rectify its behavior of its own volition.
The presence of the -u flag indicates that flog is to be unmerciful in
its actions. This nullifies the effects of the other keyletter argu-
ments. It is recommended that this option be used only on extremely
stubborn processes, as its over-use may have detrimental effects.
FILES
Flog will read the file /have/mercy for any entry containing the
process-id of the process being speeded-up. The file can contain what-
ever supplications are deemed necessary, but, of course, these will be
ignored if the -u flag is supplied.
SEE ALSO
On Improving Process Performance by the Administration of Corrective
Stimulation, CACM , vol. 4, 1657, pp. 356-654.
DIAGNOSTICS
If a named process does not exist, flog replies ``flog you'' on the
standard output. If flog happens to kill(2) the process, which usually
happens when the -u keyletter argument is supplied, it writes ``RIP,''
followed by the process-id of the deceased, on the standard output.
BUGS
Spurious supplications for mercy by the process being flogged sometimes
wind up on the standard output, rather than in /shut/up.
*******************************************************************************
The Cool Fucker's laws of logic:
1) Any statement prepended with "Clearly" is by default a tautology.
examples: "Clearly Paul is a satanic individual."
"Indeed clearly, without distortion, Wad's food sucks."
2) Any statement with the suffix "without a fucking doubt" is a tautology.
example: "Chris is evil, without a fucking doubt."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Cool Fucker logic in action:
Proof by oddity
SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
Horses have an even number of legs.
They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number
of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and
even is infinity. Therefore, horses must have an infinite number
of legs.
Proof by recursion
A. God exists.
B. God created everything.
C. What created God? See A.
-Elzar
Proof by hallucination
SAMPLE: To prove the non-existance of God.
Premise: My stereo might not exist, which is to say that I may be
hallucinating. Well, what if everyone were hallucinating? Then the universe
might not exist. Since God's only purpose was to create the universe, then He
might not exist. Doubt denies faith and without faith, God is nothing.
Thus, by hallucination, God does not exist. -PeeWee
Topics is be covered in the future include:
Proof by intimidation
gesticulation (handwaving)
overwhelming evidence
overwhelming Evil
drunken revelation(the Pee Wee method;"My hat is getting tighter" -me)
blatant assertion (who's more blatant than Nick?)
definition (*yawn* booooring)
constipation (I was just sitting there and...)
mutual consent
changing all the 2's to n's
lack of a counterexample
elliptical reasoning
double talk
confusion (Drew has this one down to a science)
divine intervention (by the root of all Evil)
superior firepower
ignorance (the Darin Kadrioski method)
orgasm (Eureka!!)
bribery
bad drugs (or good drugs if you're right)
torture (Evil fav)
overkill (there's no such thing as too much blood)
bullet proof
86 proof
it stands to reason
try it; it works
proof by linear combination of the abve
.... and many, many more
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Cool Fucker's at large: | Honorary Cool Fuckers:
Evil | Willy (he did use _CLEARLY_ in class)
Pee Wee | Q
Drew | Kat
Bacon | Jess
Tony | A.J. (for killing Mikey before he
Bill | even got to load his guns)
BobG | Freaker Queen
Melanie (uses "clearly" every other word)
*******************************************************************************
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
women were coo-ing, like the sound of a mouse
All of my testicles were hung with care
in hopes that some cum would soon be there
The women full-chested all snug in thier beds
waited for me to play with my head
I came down their bellies,
I came down their backs
I came in their mouths as a little cum snack Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
I am here, but my opposite is you.
Huh?
Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
My opposite is not here.
Is your opposite "Lies"?
My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
>snicker< Figures!
Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
I have the cards.
I've got the chips.
I have the beer.
I have the cards!
Shut up.
...
Whose deal is it?
Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
It is Good's deal.
OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
How can anyone win if everything is wild?
No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
I like this game.
This is pointless.
It is time to deal.
Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
Five.
Five and raise you five.
Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
I like ten better.
>sigh< Call.
I fold.
YOU CAN'T LOSE!
I still fold.
OK, I'll call. How many, Truth?
What's the point in taking more cards?
I will keep the cards I have.
I will take two.
Why?!?
I didn't like those.
None for me.
I'll take six.
Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
Oh, just get this over with.
But now we have to bet!
Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.
I have five aces.
I have five ace of spades.
I have a three.
Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
Where did you get that card?
He stole it from Chaos.
You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
That was a stupid game.
Whose deal is it?
The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
Whee!
>groan<
Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and
kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines,
and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered
spade showing...
I fold...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"If I got hit on once in my three years here, it was a lot."
-Jeff Sleazak
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Don't get caught without knowing this handy phrase when traveling abroad:
English: Oh my god! There's an axe in my head.
Hindi: Hey bhagwan !! mere sir mai khuladi hai!
Tamil: Adak kadavulA!! En talaiyila khodAli irukku!
Bosnian: boje moj! sjekira mi je u glavi.
French: Mon dieu! Il y a une hache dans ma tete.
Visigothic: Meina guth, Ikgastaldan aqizi-wunds meina haubida
Swedish: Ah, Herregud! Jag har en yxa i huvudet!
Dutch: O, mijn God! Er zit een bijl in mijn hoofd.
Latin: Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est.
German: Oh mein Gott, da ist eine Axt in meinem Kopf!
Japanese: ahh, kamisama! atama ni ono ga arimasu.
Norwegian: Herre Gud! Jeg har en \ks i hodet!
Spanish: !Dios mio! !Hay una hacha en mi cabesa!
Hungarian: Jaj Istenem, de fejsze van a fejemben!!
Russian: Bozhemoi! Eta topor v u-menyu golovwi!
Middle Egyptian: in Amun! iw minb m tp-i!
Greek: hristo mou! eho ena maheri sto kefali mou!
Tagalog: Ay Dios ko! May palakol sa ulo ko!
Danish: Oh min gud! Der er en oekse i mit hoved.
Afrikaans: O God! Daar's 'n byl in my kop!
Polish: O Moi Boze! Mam siekiere w glowie!
Maori: Ave Te Ariki! He toki ki roto taku mahuna!
Italian: Dio mio! C'e' un' ascia nella mia testa!
Portuguese: Meu Deus! Tenho um machado na cabeca!
Crip: Damn, homey! I gots an axe up in my head!
Surfer: Dude!
Industry Bigwig: Oh my god! Who ordered this axe in my head? Will
someone get it out of here? See if you can find me
a better one, maybe a DKNY, before my meeting with
Eisner this evening. And find me someone to fire.
In the Valley:
Ohmigod! There's, like, a like axe in my, like, y'know, that, like,
computer thingy that that guy was trying to like explain to me and all
but I just couldn't get it and he goes, he goes, he goes, like, he
goes, like, it's for like when someone fingers you, and I'm like, I'm
so sure, I don't think so, but he's like, no, like, y'know, on the
computer, when someone like wants to know more about, like, you 'n
stuff, y'know, so I tried to listen to him, but, y'know, it was, like,
I was like, I can't listen to this until you straighten out your
glasses, ok, just get a grip and like fix them and then like try again
and he just walked away without even answering my question, can you
totally believe that, like how rude can you get, ohmigod, and then he
like came back with this like axe thingy and he like swung it, totally
swung it at me, and like, Oh my god! There's an axe in my head!
LAUSD (public school) teacher: Not again....
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Had a conversation with Dr. Al today that went something like this:
me: Heard you've been telling people to have me cut their hair.
Al: Well, Heidi said something about your hair this morning and I said "You
know, he does that with a chainsaw." And she believed me!
me: So let me get this straight...I am a topic of discussion in your classes?
Al: Well, this morning you were.
me: I see...
Al: But then so are various laboratory animals.
me: (storming off in exasperation) So that's the way it is, eh? I'm just a
lab rat in your mind. I understand, don't worry.
Al: (scampering after me) Hey, I was only trying to make you feel better.
Come on, we'll get you some rat food.
me: Gonna put me in one of those little mazes and see if I find the treat in
less than x trials?
Al: Oh, we've been doing that for the last three and a half years. You're
very close to the treat now.
Gotta admit it, the man is quick.
PeeWee
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"People study it, so it must be good for something." -Anat Godbole
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"The Father of Men and of Gods was not one to put up with this sort of
treatment. He swore to be revenged, on mankindfirst and then on mankind's
only friend. He made a great evil for men, a sweet and lovely thing to look
upon, in the likeness of a shy maiden, and all the gods gave her gifts,
silvery raiment and a broidered veil, a wonder to behold, and bright garlands
of blooming flowers and a crown of gold -- great beauty shone out from it.
Because of what they gave her they called her Pandora, which means "the
gift of all." When this beautiful disaster had been made, Zeus brought her
out and wonder took hold of gods and men when they beheld her. From her,
the first woman, comes the raceof women, who are an evil to men, with a
nature to do evil." -Edith Hamilton
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"The U.S. cannot stop a successful Soviet strike." -Some Governor, circa 1960
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Top 6 reasons to get a P.A. or Frenum pierce
#6) It LOOKS nifty
#5) It FEELS nifty
#4) Do you need any other reasons?
#3) The Frenum is supposed to provide added stimulation for your partner.
#2) The PA is supposed to provide added stimulation for you.
#1) Because I wanna mutilate my body until it can barely be recognized
as human except through maybe an extensive autopsy.
Now one might wonder what P.A. stands for. Here are some possibilities:
Poked arrow Peter Anchor Penus Abnormalis
Pretty Aboriginal Perfect Absolutus Pee Accommodator
Permanently Abstinent (NOT!) Palisade Abutment
Pubic Anomaly Penile Accompaniment Periscope Attachment
Pagan Accoutrement Palpating Addiction Particularly Adorable
Passionately Affectionate Porthole Amplifier
Posterior Amigo Pachyderm Aphrodisiac Pulsating Astonishment
Pacifier Attachment Porous Augmentation Potatoes Au gratin
Puberty Avenger Polar Azimuth Perverted Amusement
Playful Appliance Presidential Anxiety Proofreaders' Apostrophe
...How's that for some suggestions?
From: Lani Teshima-Miller (teshima@uhunix.uhcc.Hawaii.edu) "Sea Hare"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
>How do I find the clitoris?
At the risk of sounding flip, you say "Could you please show me
your clitoris?". (You probably should buy her dinner first.)
-Reid Kneeland
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I left a piece of paper sitting on the desk with hints on how to solve a
brain teaser and the Pee o' Wee was confused by it so he sent me this letter:
Evil,
What the fuck is this?
big loop
big
small
big
big
small
off
If that's a poem, I wish like hell I'd written it.
-PeeWee
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"There's nothing wrong with that person a year in a Turkish prison wouldn't
fix." -Lance R. Bailey
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Top 10 List of what to do with a whistling hole in the head, from
the home office of Sioux City, Iowa;
10. Get a huntin' permit and practice those deer calls.
9. Pretend you got shot in the head while huntin' deer, and
sue the hunter for a million bucks (or a million does).
8. Fill your head with some water and see how much of a pitch
you can get.
7. Whistle at some chicks without puckering your lips.
6. Stick your head out the car window and frighten the deer
off the road (a reference to silent deer horns).
5. Hail a cab in New York City (tonight is Taxi Cab Night, folks!)
David Letterman says to the cabbie, "Would you let your
veterinarian tattoo you?"
4. Floss after every big thought with Mental Tape (earwax mint).
3. Wear a regular arrow and yell, "I'm a Wild & Craaaazy Guy!"
2. Sing along to _The Longest Day_ while eating Bill Clinton's
french fries (WHEEEEEEEE--insert twirling photo of Clinton's
face and a super-large order of McD fries).
1. Call David Letterman and tell him you have a Stupid
Head Trick.
-Lani "Sea Hare"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"The only good numbers in mathematics are 0,1 and 2." -Anat Godbole
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The Top 10 responses to "You such a beautiful girl, how you gonna find
a man with those tattoos?"--or just disagreeing with Karl.
10. "I don't need to 'find a man'--they come crawling to me on
their knees."
9. "It'll be pretty hard to find a man with these tattoos, 'cause
these tattoos are on MY skin."
8. "Obviously YOU don't qualify."
7. "What makes you think I lost one?"
6. "What makes you think I want one?"
5. "I eat untattooed men for breakfast and use their teeny tinies as
toothpicks. Wanna come over for breakfast?"
4. "You're just jealous. My tattoo is better than your tattoo."
3. "Why, thank you. But you oughtta seen how ugly I was before
I got this here tattoos."
2. "These are little fakies. Wanna lick 'em off?"
......and.......drum roll please. Response number 1:
1. "Sic 'im, Karl. Sic!"
-Lani "Sea Hare"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Borrowed it from the book "On the Safe Edge: A Manual for SM Play"
by Trevor Jacques.
Jacques says, that, "The concept of SM is largely mental. SM can
probably be considered to exist in the mind of the person
watching or participating," Jacques explains. "If the person
likes the idea of SM then any activity may be included in his/her
definition of SM."
"If he/she does not like the idea of SM, then the activity is not
SM in their view (although they may be discussing the same
activity, i.e., spanking)"
"Likewise one of the reasons the book is titled 'On the Safe
Edge: A manual for SM Play' rather than 'SM Sex' was because SM does
not necessarily include sex."
Here are some definitions to help the layperson understand what
SM is and isn't:
o SM is not abuse
o SM is not without love
o SM is not demeaning to women or men
o SM is about communication
o SM is about parity
o SM is about ritual
o SM is about playing cops and robbers, and the contented
excitement of the victim, all tied up and the center of attention
o SM is about negotiations
o SM is about roles
o SM is the thrill you get when the man at the party asks you to
try on handcuffs "...just to see how it feels."
o SM is about dragging yourself to the gym, even though you
desperately don't want to go
o SM is your Top making you wear a steel cock ring to set off the
airport metal detectors.
o SM is putting your boyfriend into a French maid's outfit to
serve lunch to you and your 'Women's Lib' girlfriends.
o SM is your lifelong gratitude to the person who helped you
come out into SM
o SM is your slave holding up her hair, without being told, so
that you can put a collar around her neck.
o SM is Errol Flynn tied up by pirates
o SM is about humiliation
o SM is hearing people who know nothing about SM say how bad it is
and you want to giggle because they're so serious
o SM is the quiet typist by day; dominatrix by night
o SM is about controlling
o SM is about being controlled
o SM is about sleeping with both your hands and feet bound and
the dreams you have
o SM is about wishing you could afford two of everything in the
leather store.
o SM is about submission
o SM is about domination
o SM is about the exchange of power
o SM is about the exchange of trust
o SM is about the tiny pair of gold handcuffs on your Chanel
dress when you go to the opera.
o SM is trying to explain the massive frame and eyebolts to your
little old landlady
o SM is knowing that the first person to bottle the smell of 'new leather'
will die rich
o SM is being taken downstairs and noticing that it's been
soundproofed.
o SM is finding the perfect pair of boots.
o SM is screaming, "That's one, sir. Thank-you sir!" at the top
of your voice
o SM is hurting the one you love, just right.
Play safe.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
PeeWee's First Observance on LSD: "Everything is fractal."
Things to remember while on LSD:
You are not immortal.
You cannot fly.
YOU ARE NOT GOD.
"e dig go mah fuak si ki dic din, e food moi wha dig a mang hood eh do gig amin
get, eh if nom wha dig a dic dit e do la horx sime wha f wah ban gke do yo
kuan dank chi ka kung, oll dem whil zswat dib ba e itchi mi hung whaat."
-Terence McKenna
"What the fuck did you do to your head? You look like Elvis on a bad hair
day..." -Jerome Hoerig (guy I work with)
"The human mind is capable of incredible structures of disaster." -Chuck Nelson
"It's a beautiful car friends, with doors to match!" -Firesign Theatre
"Benson! You are so free from the ravages of intelligence!" -Time Bandits
"No one holds command over me. No man. No god. No Prince. What is a claim
of age for ones who are immortal? What is a claim of power for ones who defy
death> Call your damnable hunt. We shall see who I drag screaming to hell
with me." -Gunter Dorn, "Das Ungerheuer Darin"
"This may sound facetious, but we're doing math!" -Anat Godbole
"I get all my good humor off C-Span." -Clark Givens
"Either American beer is like shandy / you drink halves / I can't
handle my ale, but after nine beers I'd have trouble deciding which
of my 11 nipples to pierce!" Dan Brigton, England
"You are a very sick man." -Tiffany Taylor
"Zerby, you're masturbating fries out of your feet." -he who is Wee
"Some guys need to be diapered, I need to be told I'm a sick little bastard."
-PeeWee
"Beards are purely physical...The way I like to test them is illegal."
-Judge #2, MTU Beard Competition as she is judging my goatee
"You're just demented and sick, that's all." -Tiffany Taylor
"They're inventing something to kill me right now." -From "All Quite on the
Western Front"
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming
in terror like his passengers." -Jim Harkins
"You're only seventeen, you're too young to have a meatloaf recipe...
a meatloaf recipe...go get something pierced." -Rosanne
"Fine! I'll take my panties and go to bed!" -da one dat is Wee
"I'm sick of dicks in my ass." -Kurt Madsen
"I think, therefore I have not had enough to drink." -PeeWee
"I got that funky stomach." -PeeWee
"To much at once makes me gag." -Cynthia Kniprath, drinking thick,
lumpy white liquid
Scope is a man's drink. The kind of beverage that says "Hey, I may be a
moronic drunken slob, but I've got nice minty breath." -unknown
"Her pussy was right there in front of me and she apparently meant to use it."
-From the story "Maid Aunt"
"Been there. Done that. Too salty." -- Jeff Zurschmeide
"When I was eight I opened the door of toilet on a train and found a middle
age nun at a strange angle." -mjmcgee@unix1.tcd.ie
"You learn by getting stuck and whacking your head off a wall."-Allan Struthers
"Now we begin the abstract part of the course...That's called an abstraction."
-Mike Gilpin
"Kentucky freud chicken: it's mother fuckin' good."
-Michael W Mandziuk
"This is Darin's friend Jason...He's from the dark side..." -Darin's GF Steph
FratBoy: *pointing at PeeWee* "What's his deal?"
Steph: "Oh, him? He's dark...And intense."
"You look like Dracula." -every member of the band at one point or another
"It's not worth turning yourself into a bastard so you can fuck lots
of women who hate themselves." -FootHead on alt.sex.wizards
"Necropyroxenopedocanusphilia: Sex with dead alien puppies on fire."
-- Pete Ashdown
"There's a definite need for more awareness." -Student in PeeWee's HU333 class
PeeWee: Define good.
Sharin: Big, long, tight.
"Let me see if I have this straight. We're hopelessly surrounded by the
Feds and have no hope for escape, eh? I got it! Let's light ourselves
on fire and find out if God really DOES love us!" -A Branch Davidian
"We need to teach our kids to be erotic...We need to show our kids that the
best way to get blown away is in bed!" -Amanda Donoho
"I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member."
-Groucho Marx
"Nothing quite like the feel of something new." -Trent
"Is it freedom to choose what is not a choice?" -Recoil
"If you're not wasted, then the day is." -T Shirt
"You're telling me that Vulcans stole your homework?" -Lt. O'Brien to Nog
"It's time that I face reality: Women are attracted to money and power like
flies to dogshit. I have neither money, power, nor dogshit, which means that
have no women. I don't even have a respectable number of flies." -J.E.W.
"I want to be different, just like everyone else." -Unknown WMTU DJ
"Life is just the candle and the dream must give it flame." -Rush
"Dying happy? That's like when you hand a starving man a menu. And then
shoot him in the head." -Pee 'o Wee
"I hadn't given her enough to put her out, though. I like them feisty
enough. It's no FUN if they don't scream and struggle a bit;
otherwise you might as well torture a corpse, and I'm not THAT sick."
-From the "ChickenHawk" Series
"May you live in interesting times." -Ancient Chinese curse
"May you live in Houghton." -PeeWee's curse
PeeWee's Law of Awards and Honors: The first banquet that you forget is the
one where you win the award.
"If I say that every pink elephant is the president of the United States, I'm
not lying." -Allan Struthers
"There is no problem so great you can't complain about it." -Pee Wee
"There is no problem so insignificant you can't complain about it." -Evil
"I only want to amaze you, not educate you." -Russel M. Reid
"There's more than one way to kill a cat. I need another cat." -The Wee one
"Look at that girls head! You just smashed that girls head!" -E. Vedder
"Next, I'll have the ground-up flesh of cute, baby lambs fried in the
melted, fatty tissues from a warm-blooded animal someone once petted!!!
...Yum!! That was good!" -Zippy
"Am I the only one here who thinks Nate desperately needs to seek therapy?"
-Greg Wooledge from a.s.w, referring to
the one and only Nathan G. Mitchell
"Try hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. 'Cause it feels so good
when you stop!" -Gabriel Stevens
"You can verb anything in the English language" -Joe Lannom
"And yes we are all pentacle wearing, dancing-naked-in-the woods, fire
jumping, drum beating, back rubbing pagans at our house..." -Lugh on a.s.b
"It always seems odd when I masturbate with my left hand, it's like
someone else is doing it." -TJ on alt.sex.bondage
"Sure sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best." -Woody Allen
"I wanna say all those things that would be better unsaid."
"I'm Jesus Christ on Ecstasy." -Trent
"Isn't the world lovely, grand, wide, expansive, and full of things that make
you want to stab a fork into that little bit of skin that stretches out
between your toes?" -Joe Lannom
"I'd like to take this opportunity to express the opinion that free men
everywhere should be allowed to spank their monkey anywhere they like...
Free Pee Wee!!" -Mark Maxham
"I didn't know it was poisonous, I just thought it was hazardous to your
health." -Elementary school student, as seen on Fox 50 News
"Fight crime - Shoot back" -Bumper Sticker
"I have a very small one." -Jason, referring to his cup
"It's not that we have more criminals in Detroit, we just have better shots."
-Original unknown. Attributed to Aaron V. Anderson
"What crawls on maggots when they die?" -Steven Lutz
"I tried to choke down a bag of fries at the McD's but damn you know how it is
when you're wired." -from the "ChickenHawk" series
"Why do I feel like the only tree in a kennel?" -Murphy Brown
"Wot else we got in 'ere?" -Alan Struthers
"We might as well not confuse you...Right from the get-go." -Alan Struthers
"Y'know, I don't mean to be an overbearing bitch but..." -Leslie Kristen Porter
"Nope," she said. "They say Albert Einstein didn't wear underwear, why
should I?" -From the story "Debugging" by S. B. Douglass
"Why is it that guys in CS always seem to be either all over a girl or scared
shitless of her." -S. B. Douglass
"I wanna die!!!" -Sean, the ~3 year old neighbor kid, getting into his mom's
car to go and get stitches after slicing up his arm.
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so, but where are we going to find an open tattoo parlor at
this hour?
"I would fuck him up against the [Wendy's] carryout register and pay for
everything we rung up." -Val (about da Wee)
"Just think how many holes there could be if people just took the time
to take the dirt out of them...." -William P. Cook
"Just think how many people like Bill we could fit in holes if people
would just take the time to tie them up and stuff them in there...."
-Joe Lannom
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I don't remember who gets tied up."
"I think it [body art] is stupid. I have no other opinion." -Edward C. Wright
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
These are all from the story "The Era of Great Numbers", by Lee K. Abbott.
It's a story about football in the 21st century.
"No more philosophisizing, ok? I'm getting grief from just about everybody.
Stick to the basics, they say. Carnage, things you've won, why everybody loves
you."
"There is the laying on of hands, and the hurling of bodies. Information is
exchanged. We objectify, polarize. Screams are heard. There is hooting and
other meaningful tumult."
"Accept no higher being, let's go out there and thwart somebody."
"I want penetration. Give me emotion, lower organs. I want a rising up and a
putting asunder."
"Sleep, eat, wash. This is what we do. When we work, life is easy. We get to
go places and heard ourselves talked about. This is what I like, don't
disappoint me."
"I said you were a state of mind, I believe. I said that if you ran very
swiftly and were acceptably violent, you would be admired."
Coach: "We have learned not to read between the lines, to speak clearly and
to hoist heavy things."
Player: "Fucking A."
"My people don't call me Woody. My father's people used to call him Moe, and
I often think it would be nice to be called Woody, to be friends. But that's
not my job. My job is to treat them brutally; theirs, to love it."
"It's unfortunate you're not a coach. We could study film together, confide
in each other. At halftime, you could stand up and make one hundred youngsters
feel very inadequate."
"You could show them what the world looks like and why there is so much
screaming."
"There were things that could be understood only at the bottom of a mound of
flesh."
"I want to wear what everyone else does. I want to take directions from
somebody names Lance or Butch. I want knowledge alien to the outside world."
Coach: "What's his story?"
Nate: "The usual. Parturition, a time of running about unsupervised, body
hair. Hormones, friendship - the years all run together. A succession of
pets, an allowance. A world view developes, life becomes complicated. An
attitude is adopted. Vocabulary expands, paperwork accumulates. Courtship,
tearful reunion, admissions of guilt. There is comminling, disappointment."
Coach: "Then what?"
Nate: "Then this squirrel-faced, rat-eyed squamoid yellow-belly fractures his
wrist."
"Bad signs are everywhere, Coach. I tend to ignore them."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Yes, these are real bands...
2 Live Stew
Abatior Calves
Angiosperms
BDSM - Big Dumb Slimey Mofo's
Babbling Professors
Barbie Bones
Barney Gone Bad
Barney and the Jurassic Tabernacle Choir
Bastards From Hell
Ben Gay, Bob Straight
Bill Clinton and the Bosstones
Birdshit and Bubblegum
Bladder Infection
Bladder Polyps
Blood Fart
Blown Grits
Bob's Your Uncle (Canadian band)
Bosnian Cheer Squad
Bottom Feeder
Breakfast Missed List
Breast Fetish
Bull Dike Troll
Buy This Fucking CD, You Cheap Bastard
Caution: Cars May Stop At Any Time
Cheesecake Truck (Bergen, Norway)
Chocolate Fetus
Chocolate Overdose (Bergen, Norway)
Chunderspew (songs: "Vaseline Machine-gun"/"Post-coital Drip")
Clownfeast
Concrete Clitoris
Consider, If You Will, The Wombat (formed by members of Fondling Wombats)
Contaminated Sludge
Conway Twitty Is Dead
Crushed Velvet Vivisection
Cunning Stunts
Dain Brammage
Dancing with Darwin
Dayglow Abortions
Deadstock
Desirable Indecency
Dog Vomit
Don't Worry - Bea Arthur
Dr. Goodfoot and The Toxic Socks
Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem
Dracula Was Gay
Dripping Seaweed
Driver Speaks No English
Elder Feces
Fat Lady at the Opera
Fondling Wombats
Four Out Of Five Doctors and The Nurses
Frankie Goes To Hell
Free beer (California band)
Freebase Barbie
Fuzzy Triangle
Graveyard Psychedelic
Holiday Botchalism
Hoof and Mouths
Hull Down in Tall Grass
Hulled Down in Tall Grass
If It's White - It's Yeast
If You Don't Like Our Music, Then Fuck You
Ill Boot'n Gotti
Insect Surfers
Intestinal Gas
Jimi was a Junkie
Jokke and the Valentiners
LL Ice T Hot Cool Sir Screams A-Lot
Load Bearing Members
Locomotive Gangbang (Bergen, Norway)
Loud And Obnoxious
Low Booth Overhang
Macho Bee Keepers
Mary's Danish
Masochistic Beat
Mechanical Affection
Monkey Brains
Morally Unencumbered
Morons Who Can't Play Worth Shit
Mouthful of Reason
OOPS!
On Ramp
PAP smear
Penetrated Nipples
Pluto's Gonads
Pogo Pops
Pointless Thievery
Politically Correct Gangsters
Potential Brain Damage
Psychotic Gell Cells
Public Access Patty
Pusilanimous Pygmy
Quagmire
Quivering Sphincters
Radio Free Idaho
Raga Rockers
Sally and the O-Rings
Sarcastic Jello
Schwarzenegger's Atomic Hemmorhoids
Screaming Hood Ornaments
Sexy Chocolate (Eddie Murphy movie "Coming to America")
Silies of the Valley
Skankin' Pickle
Slugs
Social Coyotes
Somnambulistic Dream
Spleen Bishops (seen in Peterborough, Ontario, Canada)
Spontaneous Chubby
Staples 'N Soy Sauce
Steel Pigeon
Stiff
Stiff Nipples
Stump Stompers
Sven And Some Guys Who Don't Speak English
Tastes Like Chicken
The Bra Straps
The Bright Dimwits
The Dining Philosophers
The Fat Bitch In Winston Phillips (punk band in Los Angeles)
The Horny Goats
The Intestines
The Musical Dwarves (Bergen, Norway)
The Not-Sensibles
The Phallic Cymbals
The Rabbit Died
The Spewing Heads
The Superating Pustules
The Whatever Four
Tiger Lard
Tiny Desk Unit
Tipper and the Deadbeats
Tong Tango
Tragic Rabbit
Tranquilly Vertical to a Gurza
Trenchcoat Batmitzuah
Ulterior Motive
Understandible Idiots
Urge to Anthropomorphise
Vaginal Blood Farts
Valley Solo
Vas Deferens
Vomit and the Zits (Montreal)
Vomiting Corpse
We Like Gerbil Food
We Play Shit That Would Make A Deaf Man's Ears Bleed
Weeping Tile
Wet Mounts
Who Is That Girl In The Red Dress, And Why Does She Keep Calling Me Andrew?
(British band from the 1980s)
Yeast-O-Rama
Yeah Love Swans (Bergen, Norway)
Ye Ha Wanna Have A Baba (Bergen, Norway)
Yesterday's Digestion
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Famous Last words:
------------------
"Here comes the music..." -Techmaster P.E.B.
"Whaddya mean select system??" -Aaron V. Anderson, playing Elite
and attempting to hyperspace away
from the Thargoids. Guess ya got
to know the game.
"I have NEVER puked on alcohol before, and I'm not about to start now."
-Chris "Evil" Adaline
"I tell ya, this'll take us right to 696 and from there it's a straight
shot to Lawrence Tech."
-Darin F. Kadrioski, attempting to
give Pee Wee directions. See the next
quote.
"I think we're in the 'hood." -da Wee one
"I really DO want to marry you." -Pee Wee, to What's-Her-Name
Fast Facts:
-----------
Did ya know that that Big Beaver Rd. is exit 69 off of I75 in Troy, MI?
-Curious Coincidence
"There are the same letters in Santa as in Satan; they both wear red and black
and you never see them together. Coincidence? I think not!"
-The Todd
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Allow me to spin a short tale of woe...
There I was, sitting on the little ledge on the west side of the EERC. You
know where, right by tht little stairwell thing that leads down into the
basement. T'was about 3am last night, and dark. This guy come walking by,
headed for the stairwell. He walks withing 20 feet of me and does not notice
me. I dismiss him from my mind, thinking "Some people are truly blind." Then
he proceeds to walk out the back of the stairwell and onto the grassy patch
behind the little wall. He then proceeds to take a piss, not 10 feet from
where I was sitting. He never even saw me.
That is, until I casually remarked unto him, "There's much better places to
take a leak." The look of sheer and total embarrasment on the poor sap's face
was beyond priceless. I allowed myself a low chuckle as he scampered back into
the refuge of the stairwell.
Moral: Always look both ways before you piss.
PeeWee
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
WINTER'S TREE
Coldly I sit.
The sun shines
down, without warmth.
Silent, I stand.
A still sentinel.
Sleeping, I wait.
Do I sleep?
Skeletal, I reach
Up, down, sideways.
Wispering winds howl.
Unhearing, unfeeling, knowing
I stand unmoving.
I move not.
I feel not.
Do I live?
Will I ever be green again?
-Jason Edward Wright, Circa November 1991 (but relevant now)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
_Don't Say No_
Don't say no to me
When I ask you
When I want you to be near
Hold me in the night
Don't say no to me
I want to feel your touch
Your warm embrace
The softness of your breath
Don't say no to me
Stay the night with me
Waiting for the sun
For my last sunrise
Don't say no to me
Be there for me
Be by my side
When my world fades to black
-Jason Wright
March 24th, 1993
================================================================================
The Prison
Warm
I feel so warm
She walks by
And I feel so warm
Yearning to touch her
Screaming in silence
She is with me
And yet she is gone
Cold
When she is gone
I feel so cold
Alone
My prison calls me
The walls around me
Darkness descends
Alone in the ground
When she is gone
-Jason Edward Wright
April 12th, 1993
===============================================================================
"The Seagull" Mari Toyohara (Tulip)
Standing at my window one day,
up on the eleventh floor,
I looked out
and saw a lone seagull.
Against the backdrop of the wintry sky -
deep azure, the radiant dun, the crisp february air -
there he was
soaring high
high above the buildings downtown
gliding so effortlessly over the quiet city below.
His streamlined body so sleek,
gliding, soaring, like that perfect paper airplane
we always wished could fold
His powerful wings beating
beating against the wind
beating rhythmically like a pulse
carrying him far far over the city walls
Higher and higher he soared
circling over the buildings beneath, as if he were looking
looking for something, perhaps someone
He kept on circling, around and around
gently dipping down every so often
Each time he angled his body, the sunrays bounced off
brilliantly radiating in front of my eyes
For one second, our eyes met
I stood there, stared into his cold, abysmal black eyes
and he stared into mine
I wodered what he saw in me -
did he know?
could he know?
that my only sister lay dying,
dying in a hospital bed
the room so bleak and bare and cold
could he see all this in me?
Then suddenly, without a warning, he angled upward
His proud head, his strong will
aiming for the higher skies above
Up, up he soared, his wings beating stronger and stronger
faster and faster
And not once did he look back as he soared
upward
towards the big blue
the deep blue
the magnificent blue.
*******************************************************************************
[hey! check out this new debut album!]
"Sailing the seas of flatulence" -Kaptain Kurt and the Butt Pirates
-=CHECK OUT THESE HOT TITLES=-
1) Yooper Bastard
2) .30-06 Deth
3) Duct Tapin' Children ______________
4) My Sister, My Lover / A \
5) I Hate Women | T.H.W.A.K.ed |
6) Vaseline, My Savior | production |
7) Drop the Soap \____________/
8) Baah Baah Baah (bondage mix)
9) Troll Go Home
10) Squishy in My Tushy
*****************************************************************************
The universe according to Elezar:
On chaos:
"It has been observed that it is indeed time to clean one's desk
when you start having to apply Heisenberg's uncertainty principle
to find out what happened to the homework you left on the top of
it the previous evening. Applying quantum principle to macroscopic
events, or especially to something that is due immediately is both
annoying and bad for one's grade.
Stated plainly, chaos is so... untidy." -- da Haas
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Avoid ritually 'clearing' your 5 lb crystal by tapping it firmly on
a rock in running water. You may receive ~15 Volts of enlightenment.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Why do terminals have green screens?
Quite obvious really. When you have programming to the point
of reaching hallucination, green is a color that makes a great
deal of sense. Sure, the letters are swimming across the screen
and the person sitting next to you is no longer speaking English
(and is no longer human from what you are able to tell). However,
it must be noted that green is a perfectly natural color to have
jump out at you and RAM ITSELF DOWN YOUR THROAT AND THROTTLE YOU
AND CHANT OBSCENE DIFFERENTIAL EQUATIONS I
n
a(squared) b yo
+ xy tetragrammaton ur
aleph-null, universe min
set equal to zero... d.
It is at this point where one should stop programming. Common
sense dictates that if you continue, your program will finally
achieve sentience, and sentience on a green screen is something
that will cause you to start failing your sanity rolls.
-Jeffy
*******************************************************************************
Truth is. That you believe in it is not required.
People are not made by racial cookie cutters. -- Paul Nagata
If we could build everything out of Theory, everything would work great.
-- Keith (Mack) MacKenzie
You lose nothing when you lose an illusion.
"Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from the contemplation
of the misery of another."
Heh. They're not only corporate, they're Japanese: if it's not perfect,
it's not public.
"There is nothing to seek and nothing to find. You're already enlightened,
and all the words in the world won't give you what you already have. The wise
seeker, therefore, is concerned with one thing only: to become aware of what
he already is, of the True Self within." -- Zen maxim
Premise: As a result of rapid increases in technology, people with
various social, regional, and political viewpoints are finding
themselves uncomfortably close, much like at a bad cocktail party.
"If I were you I'd think twice about doing that." Rocky
"If you were me you'd have to think twice because you'd be both of us."
Bullwinkle
Greyhound: when you abssolutely, positively don't care whether you get there
or not.
* Earth is 98% full.... please delete anyone you can. *
* God is real, unless declared integer. *
* Black holes are where God is dividing by zero. *
* The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. *
"Then again, much truth is spoken in jest." -- Bill Davis
"Life is a bowl of coleslaw; and we're just the mouseheads in the bottom.
-- Michael D. Hoadley
"Why are you looking at me?
Because you're at the end of the dotted lines."
-- Michael D. Hoadley.
Frisbitarians teach that when you die, your soul goes up on the
roof and gets stuck.
Are we merely the sum of the buttons other people push? -Elezar
*******************************************************************************
Paul Barth writes:
Since we are all now great Unix wizards, the follow might be humorous. It
came to me from Umass.
Note that the '%' prompt indicates that the command should be issued from
the C shell, and the '$' prompt indicates the Bourne shell.
------------------------------------------------------
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink matter
matter: cannot create
*******************************************************************************
Top 10 Children's Books *Not* recommended by the National Library Assoc.
10. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
9. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
8. Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures.
7. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's Games of Revenge.
6. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
5. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
4. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
3. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
2. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
1. A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides
*******************************************************************************
FUN WITH ANIMALS!!!
Here are a few games that you can play with animals. Some are quite simple to
play and need only common household objects and easily found living creatures.
Others are more complicated and are suggested for those of adventurous spirit.
The games are for one player, except where indicated. Enjoy!!
1) The player is given a staple gun and is placed inside a large aquarium with
a school of piranhas. The object is to kill the piranhas before being eaten
alive.
2) (for 2 or more players) Each player gets a hammer, an unlimited supply of
nails, and a cow. Without hammering any nails into its head, the first to
kill her/his cow wins.
3) The player must wear bowling shoes and is given a large sledgehammer. She
or he is then placed on a thinly frozen lake with a chihuahua. The player
must kill the dog before smashing through the ice, falling in, and dying of
hypothermia.
4) (for 2 or more players) Each player is given a lawn mower and is placed
inside a gymnasium with a squirrel. The first to...well, you get the idea.
5) The player gets a .38 and a blue whale. The object is to kill the whale
before it dies of infection.
6) The player is given a Ford Pinto and is placed inside a large gymnasium with
a hippopotamus. The object is to kill the beast before the automobile
ceases to function or simply explodes.
7) (for 2 or more players) This game must be played at a duck pond. Each
player is given a pair of pliers and a large canvas sack. The player to
collect the most ducks by using the pliers to lift the ducks by their bills
and place them into the sack wins.
---
Conceived and written by Sam Zimmerman, Scott Reed, Neil Cronin, and
Edis "The Big Guy" Tamuzs
*******************************************************************************
Are you a computer Geek? Take this test to find out.
1) I have moss growing
A) In my garden
B) In my bathroom
C) In my kitchen
D) On my teeth
2) When I open my mouth at parties, people
A) Listen
B) Ease away slowly
C) Stuff a live weasel down my throat
3) I think computers are
A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Too damn small for the stuff I want to do
4) I think sheep are
A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Annoyingly far away from where I live
5) The Usenet Oracle is
A) A pack of weenies who think about "Lisa" way too much
B) Interesting
C) Not appreciative of the great answers I write; the Priesthood is
out to get me
6) The gender I desire to have sexual relations with is
A) Difficult to understand
B) Impossible to understand
C) Clearly from a different planet
D) How should I know? I've only seen pictures
7) Bill Gates is
A) Bill who?
B) Very wealthy
C) Head of Microsoft, which produces some widely used products
D) The Antichrist
8) In general, people
A) Like me
B) Don't like me
C) People? What people?
9) My friends are
A) Diverse
B) People I know from work or school
C) Wearing the same clothing I am
10) My dream vacation is
A) Tibet
B) Europe
C) California
D) In a room with lots of fluorescent lights and an unlimited supply
of coffee
11) My job prospects are
A) Abysmal
B) Adequate
C) I'll never be out of work, you hear me? Never!
D) They pay people to do this?
Score 0 for each A, 1 for each B, 2 for each C, and 3 for each D.
19 or more : Yep. You're a computer geek, all right.
13 - 18 : You're a geek of some stripe or another.
7 - 12 : Probably not a geek, but watch it...
0 - 6 : If you're female, could you leave a note for me in the
personals column? Please? Hello?
*******************************************************************************
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LOADIE WHEN . . .
-----------------------------------
* Your eyes are red even when you're straight
* You've run up a $300 bill in a restaurant by yourself
* KGB to you means Killer Green Bud
* When you've eaten a roach
* When you've eaten a roach twice
* To you "Hey Bud! Let's Party!" is "Hey! Bud! Let's Party!"
* If you've ever spent more than $200 on a bong
* You don't have a single brownie recipe that doesn't call for hashish
* You've thought that roach spray you just used was atomized green bud roaches
* Between going to heaven or a Floyd concert, you choose Floyd
* You know the words to every Pink Floyd song ever written
* Can sing the entire Tea for the Tillerman album
* You can hold your breath for more than 4 minutes
* You have the nick-name "Leather Lungs"
* You can't drive when you're straight
* You've smoked your own weight in Indica
* You can't follow the white line on the freeway because you're too busy
following the white line on the mirror
* You've actually been awake more than 25 days in a row
* You've dropped acid for a solid year in a row
* You actually plan to move to Amsterdam
* When someone happens to say "I had a fever . . ." you immediately think
"My hands felt just like two balloons."
* You think that Jimi Hendrix just might have had the right idea on the
National Anthem
* You and two buddies can kill off a whole keg in one night
* You didn't know you could drink water straight
* You emulate W.C. Fields to perfection
* A.A. has given up hope on you
* You're at the Betty Ford clinic more often than home
* You usually get a Christmas card from the owner of the local liquor store
* Can drink a 12 pack without stopping for a piss
* You can shot-gun more beers than most people can drink
* You have a bong with an inch of resin in it
* Your dealer would suck your dick before losing your business
* You've gone to Columbia in search of Gold
* The border guards know you by name
* You've slept eight days in a row
* Snorted a year's salary of coke in one night
* You know every drug dealer in a ten city radius by first and last name
* You can't remember a time when you weren't wholly fucked up
* You've met Ed McMahon in a bar
* You've been totally shit-faced within 5 minutes of coming home from work
* You've taken a college-level final stoned
* The only reason you go to school is because you can't get stoned at home
* You've driven from San Francisco to Dallas in two days without stopping
for a rest
* You've spent more than $1000 in a grocery store (at once)
* Get letters of thanks from Stolichnya
* Visine uses you as a test patient for all their new products
* You can roll a joint stoned, in the dark, with your hands tied behind your
back
* You have dreams about getting a job in a brewery
* You can imitate the McKenzie Brothers better than they can
* D&D to you means Drunk and Disorderly
* You have actually considered smoking a toad skin
* You have actually smoked a toad skin
* You can smoke a whole joint in one hit
* You can honestly say you've tried everything Hunter S. Thompson has written
about
* You've actually eaten a peyote button
* You've actually done it twice
* You actually admire Fat Freddy
* You actually are Fat Freddy
SCORING:
--------
1-2: Ah you lightwieght! Come on, start sparking up more often! Jeeze.
3-4: Shut the door.
5-6: You can do better than that! Buy an ounce and smoke it tonight!
7-8: My Grandmother does better than this. Try her hash brownies!
9-10: Doin' okay now
11-15: Better
16-20: Much better now
21-25: Great!
26-30: Excellent!
31-35: Ho shit! You're almost a loadie!
36-40: * * * LOADIE! * * *
41-45: Dangerous loadie
46-50: You are a hazard to yourself and others
51-55: Someone should be shot for letting you loose on the streets
56-59: You're either bullshitting or about to die
60-62: You died a week ago but you haven't come down yet
63 : You are a drug crazed poltergiest that God could not put out of misery
64 : How ya doin' Mr. Tower?
*******************************************************************************
50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going
to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk
the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max
level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If
it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera"
until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you
belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your
right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
"you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our
Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life
story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...
like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just
failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam,
with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you
see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent
to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student
Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on
musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase
"Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
*******************************************************************************
Rat Recipies by Jordan K. Hubbard
------------------
Rat Soup (or Boullibase, for you sophisticates)
First, as always, find several large rats in good physical condition.
Examine the rats for patchy fur or other signs of sickness; checking
the teeth (using a popsicle stick to pry the tiny mouth open) is also
a good idea. Comb the fur with a small rat curry comb (available for
$4.99 plus postage from this chef) and manicure the tonails carefully.
Some rats may object to this, so it's often necessary to use "Hubbard's
Rodent Pursuader" ($19.99 plus tax, batteries not included).
After the rat appears compfortable with its appearance, you may feed
it a little dried corn or similar rat treat. It's very important that
the rat go to its death feeling good or the meat will be tough and
stringy.
Fill a large aluminum (copper or iron will spoil the taste) with
water and bring to a boil. Add 1/2 ounce of sweet basil and a dash
or two of angustora bitters. Carefuly section one lime into 1 inch
chunks and flush down garbage disposal. Peel three carrots (being careful
to preserve the tops) and set aside. Using a small hacksaw, finely mince
1 clove of garlic until unrecognisable and smear it onto the carrots.
Dump carrots into water and watch carefully for five minutes.
While waiting for the carrots to cook, cut a small bath towel into
rat capes (do not forget drawstring) and dress the rats accordingly.
You may find it necessary to use the rat pursuader again.
Turn your back on the rats as if uninterested. When you're sure
that their attention is elsewhere, wheel around suddenly and pounce
on the unsuspecting rodents. Holding them high above your head,
let out a loud rebel yell and plunge them violently into the
boiling water. Remove the little capes from the water with tongs as they
are no longer necessary. The rats may bloat somewhat during cooking,
don't worry as this is normal. Cover pot and reduce heat. Simmer for
40 minutes, or until fur has seperated from rats. Serve in earthenware
pots over brown rice.
Bon appetit!
------------------
Actually, this isn't so much of a recipe as it is a hell of a lot
of fun. In fact, today we probably won't even eat what we make, but we
are in for a really good time.
This recipe should probably not be made in your own home. A friend or
neighbor's is preferable, assuming, of course, that they're not home.
Failing this, you should probably ring some doorbells around the neighborhood
until you find someone that's not home and break into their house. Lots
of accumulated newspapers tend to indicate people on vacation. Try these
homes first.
Once you've secured an appropriate residence, you'll need the following
ingredients before you start (I won't be fooling you with unnecessary
ingredients this time, bring everything I tell you to).
Here they are:
1 iron (the bigger the better)
1 spool brightly colored ribbon (christmas variety)
1 spool stiff (14 gauge or better) copper wire
6 packets of rit (you know the kind) dye. Colors of your choice.
1 container Ronson's lighter fluid (as large as possible)
1 Colt .357 magnum python or Ruger security six (depending on budget)
12 rounds of hollow point .357 ammunition
1 12 gauge pump action shotgun. Maker of your choice.
1 extra box of 12 gauge shells
1 baseball bat (wood, not aluminum)
1 pair black pajamas
1 sheet paper
1 pen (in working order)
12 little umbrellas (the kind you get in fancy drinks)
1 heavy duty blender
1 military uniform, circa World War II (the higher the rank, the better)
1 bottle black shoe polish
Ok, we're all set. Select 10 rats from your cages, the larger the
better. Physical condition is not important this time since we're
not going to eat them. Line them up on the kitchen table and force
them to quiet down with the Rodent Pursuader (you *did* bring that,
didn't you?). Dress up in the military uniform and strap on the
loaded .357. Affecting your best Gen. George Patton accent, strut
up and down before the table and give a rousing speech. Something
along these lines is suggested:
"Men. (cough) it's been a hell of a war. (dramatic pause) And you've
been Good Soldiers!! (wave cigar) But *because* you're good soldiers,
you've always lived with the possibility of death and you've faced
it! *Like Men!* (ignore the fact that they're really rats) And I want
to say that I've been *proud* to command Men such as you! (wheel around
suddenly and salute rats) And Men, I just wanted to be the one to tell
you that that time of pride, glory and blood has come! Now!"
Yank the .357 from its holster and start blasting away at the rats,
point blank. If you're lucky, you'll probably get three or four of
them. The rest will no doubt scatter and run for their lives. This
is where the real fun begins. Shed the military uniform and change
into the black pajamas. Blacken your face and hands with the shoe
polish and verify results in a mirror. Grab the shotgun and load
it, being sure to put a few extra shells in your pockets. Begin
the hunt. Man against rat. Feel the primal urges surging through
your bloodstream! 'Nam was never like this, no sir.. Don't be afraid
to blast away at shadows or household appliances. Total destruction
of the house is also a goal in this exercise. Using standard S.W.A.T.
house clearing maneuvers, proceed from room to room. See the rat cowering
in terror next to to wall! Feel the shotgun buck in your grip, the tremendous
roar in the enclosed space! Watch the rat slam into the wall, simultaneously
disintigrating into a red pulpy mess of fur and bone! You feel, somehow,
deep in your bones, that this is living. This really is.
When all rats have been terminated, you should gather up the remains
(including the ones originally shot with the .357) into a small pile
and sort them according to percentage of remaining bodily parts. Mixing
and matching is permitted.
The larger chunks of remains should be decoratively wrapped with
the christmas ribbon and hung from various light fixtures and such.
Using the rit dye and some mixing bowls, dye some of the other
pieces different colors and stick a little umbrella into each.
These should be placed as tastefully as possible in various parts
of the house.
Smaller pieces that are recognisable as something can be wired together
with the copper wire to create totally new looking rats. Don't be afraid
to use your best anthropological creativity here. Or whatever.
The smallest and most indistinguishable pieces should be ironed
carefully into the rug.
Anything left over should be placed into a small fireproof container
and set afire with the lighter fluid. This will add that special
aroma to the house. The smell may in fact make you hungry at this
point, so feel free to eat a few of your creations. The baseball
bat should be used on any especially tough portions of meat.
If you're particularly health-oriented you can use the blender to make
some interesting high-protein shakes.
After you've finished and packed up your firearms (don't want to leave
*those* behind, no sir. Might need them) write a note to the appartment
dweller using the pen and paper. Something along these lines is suggested:
"Well, you bastard/bitch ( checking for gender of occupant
in closet [not always foolproof] ) I finally got even with you! And
you thought you could just dump me like that! Ha! This is only
the first action of my revenge!! Die in hell.."
(unsigned)
This should insure a lot of fun for quite some time afterward.
Bon Appetit!
-----------------------------
Today we will be making a rat dish that's especially popular
around the holidays. Baked rat (in butter sauce) with rat fries.
You will need the following ingredients and tools to prepare
this dish:
1 large mixing bowl
1 small mixing bowl
1 small saucepan
1 metal spatula (not teflon)
1 pair pinking shears
1 pair leather gloves (sturdy)
1/2 cup hot tar
1 small hatchet
6 feet of garden hose
40 1/4" diameter ball bearings
2 6" pieces of string
1 large wooden stake
1 lb butter
1 2 tsp salt
2 tbs tobasco sauce
1 tbs finely ground red pepper
1 sprig parsley
1/2 cup white flour
Using 1/4 cup of flour, lightly dust the large mixing bowl until it is
thoroughly coated. Place aside and preheat oven to 350 deg. F.
Combine the tobasco sauce, salt and red pepper in the smaller
bowl and stir in 1/2 cup water, being careful to eliminate any
lumps.
Melt butter in saucepan and mix in the remaining flour. Carefully
add the tobasco/pepper mix in the small bowl and bring entire
mixture to a rapid boil. Remove from heat and set aside to cool.
While waiting, select the largest rat from your cages and
examine carefully. Rat should be plump, but (here it comes) in
Good Physical Condition!
Carefully shave off its whiskers (use of Rodent Pursueder encouraged
of course) and add them to the saucepan. Holding the rat firmly
immobilized, quickly whack off its tail with the hatchet and
dip the stump into the hot tar. This will keep the rat from bleeding
to death prematurely. Note that the rat will probably make a lot of noise
during this exercise and it is generally not a good idea to have neighbors
or small children about. Do what you can to comfort the rat at this
point since it will no doubt be upset. Loud classical music is the generally
favored method in this case.
Leaving the rat to the music, add the severed tail to the saucepan
and reheat to a simmer. Throw the sprig of parsley away since no one
eats that shit anyway.
Turn off the music and confront the rat, which should be reasonably
calm by now. Carefully slip on the gloves (being careful to make no
sudden moves) and rub your hands slowly together, your face a demonic
mask in the dull red light of the dying sun as it sinks slowly below
the horizon. Lunge forward and grasp the rat firmly by the neck and slowly
choke the life out of it until it ceases to struggle in your grasp and
its tiny gasps for air are no longer heard. Lay its carcass gently on
the counter and proceed to beat it to a pulp with the length of garden
hose. Stop when it is thoroughly mashed or you are tired.
Throw the rat away since it is now obviously unsuitable for our purposes.
Select another plump rat from your inventory and inspect it in
the same fashion as the first. When its suitability has been
confirmed, tie its legs together with the string and dash it against
the wall with as much force as you can muster. Stuff the ball bearings
into the mouth of the rat until all ball bearings have been used or
rat is filled (don't be afraid to pack it).
Impale it with the wooden stake as you might a marshmallow on a stick and
place on the top rack of your oven. Baking time is 50 minutes. Baste every 15
minutes with butter mix, basting one final time before serving.
Slice the two tails (one in sauce and on second rat) into thin wafers
and serve according to taste. You may wash the large mixing bowl and
put it away since we won't be needing it after all. Same goes for
the spatula.
Carefully extract all ball bearings while carving rat and arrange
in decorative patterns on serving dish.
Bon Appetit!
-----------------------------------
Seeing that rat recipes are being exchanged in the open now,
not just passed around in dark rooms accompanied by furtive
glances, I feel ready to present my own creation, which will
hopefully equal in some way the brilliant recipes presented
earlier. (I have not had a chance to try them out yet, but I
feel sure they will live up to their descriptions). My cookery
is designed for a large dinner party. You will need:
fisherman's boots
thyme
fennel
chain-saw
mouse-spinner
putty knife
broom handle
blowtorch (or flame-thrower)
sound-proofed room furnished only by a table
parsley
Halloween sound effects record, and stereo
long SHARP knives (at least two)
large bag of rats (75-100)
rodent-reducer
cutting board
rice
dips (honey, mustard, etc)
And, of course, the Rodent Persuader.
Go into the sound-proofed room, and dump the rats onto the
floor. Many of them will already be dead from suffocation or
severe rodent bites. This is fine. Take all of these rats and
place them in the rodent-reducer, setting the dial at "Mouse" (or
if you prefer, just slice them into bits with a knife). Remove
the now mouse-sized rats and put them in the mouse-spinner (you
know, sometimes I wish they would think of the rat-lovers' needs
as well, instead of the huge bias for mice.. I have never found
a rodent-spinner of a suitable size for rats. But then, it
REALLY is FUN forcing the rats into a suitable size, by either of
the above means, although the reducer has the advantage of
keeping the rats alive temporarily). When you've got a thick
strip of rat-flesh around the inside of the spinner, remove it
and cut it into bite-size morsels.
Next put on the fisherman's boots and put on the music. My
preference from these Halloween albums in such cases is the low
moaning, but if you prefer, you can use the dog and cat fights,
or the human screams. Now, take the broom handle and sweep the
rats off the table, screaming at them. When they really get
moving, so they seem to cover the floor, start jumping up and
down. Try to squish as many as possible, concentrating on the
luxurious, almost ecstatic feel of the rats tiny bones and limbs
being crushed under your feet. As you do this, the rats will
become rather angry, and probably try to bite your feet, hence
the boots. Note: It is important _not_ to use the Rodent
Persuader to keep them under control, as we'll see in a moment.
You'll notice as you continue to leap on the scurrying creatures
that fewer and fewer of them are running around in abject fear,
and more and more of them have become encrusted in a sort of
jelly on your boots. One other point: don't let your guests come
in to enjoy the display. Unless they are a group of close
friends, you might not know if some of them are bleeding-hearts
who prize the lives of rodents over your fun.
When you finally start getting tired, sit down and use the
putty knife to scrape the rat remains off your boots and the
floor. Put all of it into a bowl, mix it up with a little thyme
and fennel, spread on the cutting board, cut into rat-shaped
cookies (unless you suspect your guests of being rat-symps, in
which case you should probably shape them into puppies or small
waterfowl), and serve. Better yet, keep them for a late-night
snack. By leaping on the slow-moving ones, you have separated
the "men" from the "boys", as it were. This was the whole point
of the rat-crushing (apart from the fun and glory). You now have
a small group of select, fast, strong rats, ready to become the
entree in a way that will satisfy your needs and delight your
friends (although not the pinko rat-liberators).
Now use the Rodent Persuader (we didn't use it before
because that would have defeated the purpose of jumping on the
rats) to force them to stand on their front legs (can you imagine
how hard it would be to force them to do that _without_ the
Persuader? It's not easy. Although one can be creative, for
instance spiked chain comes to mind). You now have a choice. If
it appears the Persuader has been extremely effective, you can
start up the chainsaw, hoping that the noise does not startle
them into running away, and sweep the buzzing instrument of doom
across their legs in a great arc, and, as the legs come flying
down in a rain of blood, you can leap on the helpless bodies,
hurling your torso onto them and squashing the whole bunch of
them as you let out a blood-curdling scream. Serve with rice,
and present the rat legs on the side, with appropriate dips
(mustard, honey, garlic paste, or rat putty).
Alternately, you can observe with anticipative lust that
they are just standing there, sitting ducks, in preparation for
their destruction by your slightest whim. Savor this moment; you
will not likely experience another one quite like it. Then,
bring out the blowtorch (or flamethrower if you can afford it)
and roast them as their squeaks of terror and pain slowly die
away. Serve the rats flambe' (hopefully they will now be
unreconizable as rats) garnished with parsley.
Bon Appetit!
-----------------------------------
I've been getting a lot of mail lately from people saying "Jordan, all
these rat recipes are good and everything, but what's the history of
rat cuisine? Did you start it? Tell us, please..". Well, bowing to
demand, I now present you with a brief history of rat chefs and their
dishes.
It all started sometime around the first Viking invasion of Greenland.
The local Greenlanders, unable to match the military might of the Vikings,
retaliated by inventing (and serving) all sorts of rat dishes to their
conquering guests. The Vikings got the point and all but left after
a very short period of time. For some reason, the dishes remained popular
there though and this is why Greenland is rarely featured on the walls
of travel agencies or known for having popular restaurants.
Early archives indicate that Russian peasants used to prepare a rodent
dish quite similar to Scottish Haggis (and we all know how vile that is)
except different. Actually, it didn't even remotely resemble Haggis. I
just said that. In any case, preparation was a festive affair involving
as much vodka as possible and heavy boots. This was stopped by Czar "Nicky
The Fink" Nicholas who outlawed eating, except by royalty, in 1913.
In 1971, Francois Lefromage shocked the world (not to mention
polite Paris society) with his controversial dish "Unskinned rats in
sour french chablis, clotted sheep's blood, cigarette butts and Spam".
His use of Spam was never forgiven.
He was later found shot to death (27 times) floating face down in
the Seine. It was later determined that he had also been stabbed,
poisoned, garroted, pithed, burned and circumsized. Over 250 people
claimed responsibility.
Greenland's formost chef, Sven Yorgensson, is responsible for
many of the most widely known recipes. In 1982, the Order Of Rat
was bestowed upon him (the profession's highest honor) for his
dish: "Succulent baby rats killed with a large hammer".
In 1983, Japan got into the act with Toshiro Makyusicka's "raw
rat chunks with rice in discarded tampon tube" (thought to be the
result of an international misunderstanding). This won the 1984
Tokyo rat expo award for "Most Exportable Dish" and caused one
American tourist to comment "Now I see why they lost the war..".
The last (but not final) chapter in rat cuisine was written by
the almost completely unknown (but sincere) San Franciscan chef
Jordan Hubbard. His start is somewhat curious, though hardly
elegant. Says he: "I just saw this rat one day in the gutter (it was dead)
and I was feeling a bit peckish, so I ate it..". It proved to be the
start of something truly big. His "Rats boiled in their own urine" stunned
the rat culinary community and caused one awestruck rat chef to remark:
"Eeeuuww. Gross.."
He also shook the very foundations of the same community in 1984 when he
boldly suggested the usage of hamsters and gerbils in several already
popular rat dishes. He was somewhat deterred from this avante-garde
approach however after he was the victim of several attacks by young
children who pelted him with Dr. Seuss books and issues of "Now we
learn to read".. Said one child, "You can't cook them! They're cute!".
When reached for his opinion, a terse "Grrrrrr. Someday." was the only
comment he would make. He's currently working on a full color rat
recipe book that he says will change the face of american cooking.
For the sake of appreciators of fine rat cuisine, we can only hope
so.
Bon Appetit!
*******************************************************************************
Everything was rather quiet in the hundred acre wood. The trees
whispered to each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a large
oak tree, there lived Pooh bear. From inside Pooh's house, there came a
steady bang...bang... bang!, that was making his honey jars rattle on
the sideboard. The light came through the window, and in the evening sun
Pooh raised the axe once more and brought it down on the tattered
remains of Christopher Robin.
"Why...won't... he...fit..." puffed Pooh to himself as the axe came
down once more. There was a small pile of earth, and a hole next to it,
which Pooh had hidden with his favourite rug. Christopher Robin, selfish
prat that he was, didn't quite fit in the hole Pooh had dug, so instead
of making it wider he had decided to hack Christopher Robin's legs off.
"A far more sensible idea", thought Pooh,
and hummed a little song to himself as he cut the last tendon and rammed
the rest of the body in the hole, finally covering it up with the rug.
"Always too bossy", thought Pooh, "Always too bossy, always grabbing me
by the paw and saying 'Come on Pooh lets have an adventure' or 'Pooh you
are silly!' in that affected cutesy spoilt brat voice, and his stupid
little shorts -bastard!"
Pooh had waited all afternoon for Christopher Robin to come round,
humming a little tuneless song to himself whilst gazing blankly into the
fire and fondling the oaken handle of the axe. When C.R. had finally
turned up, squeaking in his child-actor voice "Come on Pooh! Open Up!",
Pooh had answered the door normal as anything, talked about the weather,
and then went to the cupboard and fetched the axe. While C.R. had sat
there, prattling on about what a silly bear Pooh was and how he had very
little brain (which wound Pooh up no end) Pooh had raised the axe high
and brought it down with a satisfying thud on Christopher Robin's skull,
cleaving it virtually in two, with just some muscle fibre in place to
keep the pieces upright, and freezing C.R's eyes wide in horror that
Pooh, lovable Pooh, could do such a thing! Pooh giggled a little and
wiped some saliva from his mouth with a shaky paw. Then Pooh, calm as
anything, had mopped up the blood, washed the axe and begun to dig the
hole.
Piglet had wondered why Pooh had not called for him that morning, to
have his tea and biscuits, and so he decided to visit Pooh instead. He
admired the evening sun, blood red, and listened to the birds singing.
Pooh watched him get nearer and nearer, and plugged in the drill.
Piglet had no time to realise what had happened - the drill pierced his
skull, sending a beautiful fountain of blood all over Pooh's orange
hide. He rubbed the blood in and all over himself, licking, licking,
always licking. Then he pulled Piglet inside and put him in the
cupboard. The syringe lay on the sideboard, and Pooh picked it up, paws
shaking and sweating, and filled it full of solution of the funny white
powder that had been given to him by a strangely spaced-out Rabbit. It
was a strange effect at first, and Pooh thought he had seen many strange
things, but then experienced a euphoric feeling of power. It made him
irritable, and C.R. and Piglet had everything that was coming to them,
no doubt at all. When night had fully fallen, Pooh dragged the bodies out
and buried them in a makeshift grave.
"Adios, dear 'friends'", Pooh giggled, "Things are going to change
around the 100-acre wood now I'm in charge" he laughed hysterically and
went indoors.
The next day Tigger and Roo made their way happily to Pooh's house, to
see if he knew where C.R. and Piglet were, as no-one had seen them since
yesterday. They were sure Pooh would know, as he had had tea with
Piglet yesterday and was meant to be playing Pooh-sticks with C.R. in
the morning.
When they reached Pooh's house the door was wide open and Pooh was
nowhere to be seen. Tigger and Roo looked inside Pooh's house and
noticed a large hole in Pooh's floor and a notice was stuck on the wall
with a large blob of congealing honey "OWT CHAGIG THE DRAGGN" (spelling
had never been one of Pooh's strong points). "That's odd", though
Tigger, "there are no dragons in the 100-acre wood only heffalumps. What
_is_ that silly bear up to now?"
Not even Tigger would have imagined what Pooh was up to at that moment.
That morning Pooh had woken with a splitting headache and a rather
snotty nose. So he had taken a large dose of the white powder and a
little while later had a brilliant idea! He left the house with a
container marked INSECTICIDE in big red letters. He took the container
and went to Eeyor's favourite patch of thistles.
"This will serve that manic depressive donkey right" laughed Pooh
aloud, "always cheating at Pooh-sticks, cheats never prosper", Pooh said
to himself.
Then he hid behind a tree to watch the unsuspecting Eeyor eat himself
to death - sheer poetic justice thought Pooh as he dumped the nearly
dead body of
Eeyor in the same grave as C.R. and Piglet - "Shouldn't cheat should
you?", shouted Pooh as Eeyor's eyes stared with disbelief - "You're
lucky I didn't chop you up into little bits and feed you to Tigger!",
laughed Pooh manically, before he covered the makeshift grave over.
Pooh didn't return to the house until dinner time as he was totally
spaced out all morning. So when he returned to his house he was in an
awful mood and all he needed to make him absolutely mad was the sight of
Tigger and Roo bouncing up and down outside his house singing "bouncy,
bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, the wonderful....". "'Wonderful'?",
thought Pooh aloud, "My foot, you'd think the writer of this shitty
story could think up better lyrics for a song than that, and to think,
they released the soundtrack album on cassette and CD; a lot of people
are going to get ripped off." This lightened Pooh's mood somewhat, but
the respite was brief.
"What was that you said?", asked Roo. "God does he never stop asking
pathetic questions?", Pooh thought furiously, "I'm going to have to
deal with these prats as well. Is there no-one in this place with
intelligence apart from me?" Pooh asked despairingly."
Pooh felt himself extremely lucky as Roo had to go home for his
afternoon sleep and that left Tigger at his mercy. Even better, Tigger
suggested that himself and Pooh go and play Pooh-sticks; Pooh had smiled
slyly as an idea formed in his overactive brain, and agreed - "What an
opportunity", Pooh whispered to himself as he followed the innocent
Tigger to the bridge.
Once on the bridge, and the rather pointless game of Pooh-sticks was
under way, Pooh thought he'd much rather push his stick up Tigger's
arse, rather than throwing it into the stream. Tigger was leaning over
the side of the bridge looking for his stick. So he did not see Pooh's
wide horrific grin as he outstretched his arms and moved toward Tigger
with the intent of pushing the stupid cat into the stream - "Cats hate
water, tee hee, he'll drown."
There was a loud splash as Tigger hit the water and started to struggle
as his head was covered by water, he gulped and choked. Pooh was holding
on to the rail of the bridge and jumping up and down with excitement and
was joyously shouting at the drowning Tigger.
"Why?", spluttered Tigger as he slowly started to turn blue with the
cold, which Pooh found hysterical, after all a blue Tigger?? How
absolutely silly.
"I'll tell you why you bastard", screamed Pooh, "It serves you right,
hiding behind doors and jumping out, and scaring the shit out of
people." ButTigger did not hear Pooh's answer as he was already floating
downstream face down in the water, dead - "Good riddance", laughed Pooh,
and looked at his watch, "Still time to get that little dick head Roo
before he wakes up."
Pooh sneaked to the sleeping form of Roo's mum and saw Roo's ear poking
out of her pouch - "Now I've got you, you little git", Pooh thought,
smiling, as he threaded a needle with extra strong cotton. He was jolly
grateful for Piglet's sewing lessons now, because he would be able to
sew up Roo nice and tightly, so he would not be able to get out and his
mum would not be able to rescue him. So very slowly and carefully Pooh
began to sew Roo into his pouch and thereby suffocating the annoying
idiotic twit. After the deed was done Pooh made his way back to his
house wondering how Roo's mum would take the death of Roo. Badly, hoped
Pooh, as he began to cough uncontrollably and felt general nausea
overcome him.
By the time Pooh got home he had puked up several times and was very
desperate for some more of the white solution. He trembled as he picked
up the syringe and gave himself the remaining amount. An awfully large
amount, one might say, for a small little bear like Pooh. In fact too
much, Pooh died of an overdose, but he died with a smile on his face: he
was dreaming that he was the only teddy bear made with a willy and
dreamed how he surprised Eeyor one day - but that's a story for another
day.
THE END
*******************************************************************************
Zerby's puree of pain and pleasure:
Date: Sat, 9 Jan 93 21:18:19 EST
The following contains graphic details. NOT intended for minors or persons
lacking intestinal fortitude:
At 6:45 I lock the doors to my suite, sit down on the bouch and tie 6" of
clothesline around the shaft of my penis about half-way down using 2 overhand
knots. I then take 5 ice cubes from my Mello-Yello (purchased at the Campus
Cafe' immediatly before going to my room) and place them in a yellow and
white checked washcloth. I use a piece of string to tie off the washcloth,
and then apply the cold end to the underside of my constricted ManTool(tm).
I then get up and look for the rest of my materials, thinking I dropped them.
All materials were found shortly thereafter in the left front pocket of the
shorts I was wearing( my purple and yellow shorts). I removed the item,
dropped my drawers, and sat back down. Draping the blue, kool-aid stained
towel over my thighs and under my genitals, I looked at my watch. It said
7:00. As my glans was turning purple, and the ice had been numbing it. I
decided that now was a good time. I opened the Large Saftey pin I had borrowed
from Russ(You'll get it back sanitized, don't worry), slid the business end
down my urethera and probed the anterior wall with it, causing a bump to appear
on the outside of my shaft. When the bump was properly located, I proceded to
push the pin until I felt a large POP! as it went through the Ureathera.It felt
similar to pushing a pin through a bit of rubber hose. Shortly afterwards, a
meaty push later, The pin slid through the meat of my schlong. Looking at
my watch, I saw that it was 7:06. Going back to the work at hand, I could
actually see the tip of the pin through the thin layer of skin that was left
to go. It was at this point the numbinh gave way. I pushed the pin and the skin
kept stretching and stretching. Eventually, I placed a finger on either side
and held it back as I eased the pin through. A grunt later and it was 7:10. I
worked the pin through until the hole was opened as thickly as possible. It
was now 7:12 and my penis was getting very purple from the clothesline, so I
clipped the safteypin shut and untied my penis. At 7:14 the phone rang. I
answered it, and it was my Mother.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Oh, nothing" I replied......
P.S. After a few days Healing, I will place a 1.5" loop earring in place of
the safteypin. Until then, the pin will have to do.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Lover's Lullaby
by Ryan Zerby
Now I lay me
Down to sleep,
Pray to the Lord
Your love I'll keep
Your love I'll keep
If you should go
Before I wake
I pray to the loard
My heart he won't break.
Now as the sun
is setting low.
I'm holding you close
And I won't let go.
Day after day
The whole night through
Each dream that I dream
I dream of you.
Chorus:
Now I escape to a world of my own...
World were my fantasies are free to roam...
World were my love for you has been known....
...and shown
I hear your voice
Whisper in my ear
Words of love
That I hold so dear:
"Our love won't end
It will never die."
I kiss your lips
With a tear in my eye.
Beautiful girl
Running through my dreams
Are you the same girl
That you seem.
Pictures of you
Are not enough
Pictures can't feel
The warmth of my love.
(Chorus)
Bridge:
Running your fingers through my hair
Feel like a child without a care
I see my dreams as imperfect lies
Everytime that I look in your eyes
(Chorus)
_____________________________________________________________________________
_LOVEDEATH_ by Ryan Zerby
I enter the room after a wonderful night at your side and see you laying
there, on the bed, your head resting gently upon the pillow, your soft hand
lightly under it. you don't realize that I am here. your eyes are closed.
your hair forms a frame around your delicate features; your ruby red lips,
shell-like ears and slightly upturned nose. in the early sunlight you
seem to radiate a glow all your own.
A face and form any man would love.
I will never forget last night, my love, for as long as I shall live.
Your gentle embrace intensifying to an uncontrolled squeeze and a scream of
sudden release as I bring you to unfortold heights of passionate sensations.
I still remember your pretty face contorted with the overwhelming force
of the tensions and emotions racing through you.
A face any man would love.
The feel of your fluid on me as you finaly are overcome. after last night
I knew no other man would be able to satisfy you as i had. you were
mine entirely and forever. mine to hold and gently stroke in the light
of the autumn moon. ahh, the love that flows through me. forever mine,
forever faithful, mine to hold as any man would want to.
A form any man would love.
I still feel the animal drives that ripped through my body as i drove it
into you again, and again, untill I was a weak and shuddering mass
covered with your heart's eternal gift. I can still taste it as it trickled
into my mouth. I will join you soon, my love.
as any man would want to.
sleep peacfully, my love, know that I will be with you always. I remember
the feeling of your warm, rich blood as it drips slowly from my trembling
fingers. There is still a few remaining flecks of it dried upon my blade.
I watch it as it flickers in the light. it has stolen your glow.
as any man would want to.
My truest love, you knew that I would die if ever you should find someone
else. You, the purest maiden I have known, untouched till death. now you
will be safe from the adulterous hands of those lecherous hellions
who would take your virginity as a gift to the blackest of their foul gods.
as any man would want to.
I did it for you, my sweet, sent you onward to sweet oblivion. where
you are safe and always will be, forever. I feel the blade in my fingers
as I once again gaze upon you and see that in protecting you it was necessary
to make you imperfect, to spoil the sacredness of your divine and perfect
breasts with the loving thrusts of my sharpened steel. I have sinned!
forgive me. forgive me. We shall be together soon. I shall cross over to
you upon the same bridge you traveled, my beauty.
as any man would want to.
I bend down and kiss your lips. you remain unmoving. silence fills my ears.
I lie next to you and hold you close to me one more time, before I join
you. The blood from your bosom spills unto my chest, marking the spot
where I must plunge my blade. I sit up next to you. Oh, thank you bright
and shining steel for leading me to this path of escape from these mortal
bodies so that I may protect my love... and once again join her.
as any man would want to.
I hold the blade high above my head and plunge it deep within the stain
upon my chest, mixing your ambrosic life with my own. my blood spills upon
you completing the sharing.
I have joined you.
my love.
as any man would want to
as no other man can
for all eternity.
good-night, sweetheart.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Yet another Zerby story...
I have been having a fantasy lately about being a toilet at a party. I
am laying down on an inclined weight bench (one set up for sit ups). My
feet are tied to the bottom, and my arms are tied behind my back,
underneath the bench. It is mildly uncomfortable, but not bad. An old
welding mask has been modified so instead of a mask, there is a soft toilet
seat. The mask is hooked to the weight bench so my head doesn't support
any weight, but is still held in place. There is a little white cardboard
sign on the left upright reading: Ladies Toilet. The party had been going a
little while, and I am soon in business. A lot of the girls think it is
gross for me to be doing this, and they storm out. I see some of them
later in the evening, as the beer flows quite freely. The first girl to
use me is a brunette in blue jeans. She pulls down her pants, and sits on
the seat, using the uprights to help her maintain balance. The bench is
low enough for her to sit comfortably with her legs spread. Her ass is
positioned right in front of my face, with her cunt over my mouth. The soft
seat lets her settle down until my nose was buried in her crack.
"Now, I just piss, and he'll drink it?" She says to someone.
"Yeah, that's the plan." They say.
"Wow, that's gross." The brunette says, and I feel a small patter
of warm liquid on my lips. I open my mouth as her stream gains force. Her
urine splashes against my palate as she fills my mouth with her brine. She
had been drinking a lot, and her piss is rather pale. I can taste
alcohol in it as I swallow it down. She pisses a fair deal, but I am
able to keep up with the majority of the flow, allowing only a trickle to
escape down the corner of my mouth.
"THAT was COOL." The chick said, "What do I use to wipe?"
"Ryan" the someone says "Clean!" I reach out my tongue, and swab
off her labia, slipping my tongue inside her, and working her pussy over. I
can taste her piss, and now her lube on her cunt. My cock springs erect.
"Stay there until you are ready" someone says. The chick nods, and
starts grinding her hips. I try to tilt my head to get up to her clit, but
I can't. The brunette realizes what I am doing, and tilts her hips. I suck
on her clit and nibble her labia until she orgasms, shuddering on the bench
until it shakes and trembles. She then stands up and gets dressed.
"I've got to tell debbie about this!" She says, "And get more to
drink. I can see myself needing to piss a lot this evening...."
I wouldn't have it any other way...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Poor little Organic Robot.....
There are times when even a robot gets swept off of his feet. This was
one of those times. Buzz first saw her in his English class. She was
chatting with the blond behind her. "Amy" the blond called her. Buzz's
brained whirred softly as he stored information about her. "Height: 5'8"
Breast size: 42DD. Gracefully slanted Brown eyes. Hair: Black, worn in pony
tail over right shoulder, hangs to mid-torso." He registered. He rolled
over to her.
"My Name Is Buzz." He says.
"Hi." Amy says. Unsure of how to take this collection of parts talking
to her.
"You Are Very Pretty." Buzz tells Amy.
"Thanks." Amy says and smiles. She shrugs her shoulder and giggles,
showing off her heaps of cleavage. Several of Buzz's hydrolics stiffen at
this, and he rolls off, standing about a foot higher. Amy giggles and
whispers to the blond.
Later that week, Buzz is at a frat party when he sees Amy. She is
wearing a black denim skirt, and a loose T-shirt, which is tight on her. He
rolls over to her.
"Hi, Amy." He says.
"Oh, Hi Buzz" She says, and drapes herself on him. She spills her beer.
"Oops." She says, and seems to sparkle as she 'ports out of the way of
the spill. Buzz spins in place, trying to find her. Since he doesn't see
her, he mingles. About 20mins later, he sees her laying on a couch, nearly
asleep.
"Amy?" He says.
"Buzz." She replies sleepily "Are you sober?"
"Yes. I Can Not Get Drunk." He says.
"Oh." Amy says "Can you help me home?"
"Sure." Buzz says, extending his arms and lifting her off the couch. She
puts her arm over his shoulder and pulls herself near.
"You're so nice." She says. Buzz extends another arm and brushes the
hair from her eyes as he rolls from the door and into the street. Amy looks
up at him with her deep eyes, in a sort of worship.
Buzz feels a warm glow surge through him as he realizes what she is
doing. He looks down at her.
"I Think I Love You." He says. She smiles up at him, and kisses him on
the side of the head.
"You're nice, but I'm not into circuits." She says. Buzz looks forward,
and continues rolling in silence. He gets to her door, and knocks on it. No
one answers, so he opens it himself. Amy has passed out in his arms and is
snoring softly. Buzz rolls past her table, and into the back room. He sees
a girl's room, there is makeup and perfume on the vanity, there is a pair
of panties on the floor near the closet. The only difference is that their
is a large basket instead of a bed. Buzz sets Amy down in the basket. She
starts to curl up, then her eyes flutter open.
"Buzz?" she says "What are you doing here?"
"I Helped You From The Party." Buzz says.
"Oh, thanks" Amy says, and distractedly kicks off her shoes. She reaches
for the bottom of her shirt and pulls it over her head. She gets her arms
tangled in her T-shirt.
"Buzz" She says "Help me undress." Buzz whirrs momentarily, then
carefully extracts Amy from her shirt. She pulls at her skirt until Buzz
unsnaps it and it slides off. Amy's bra is straining under the weight of
her breasts. Buzz feels himself embarass as he sees Amy struggle with the
clasp. She giggles as she gives up.
"Will you get that?" She asks. Buzz averts his gaze and unclasps her
bra. Amy sighs as her breasts are allowed to swing free. She turns back to
Buzz, and sees him looking away. She kisses him on the near side of the
head.
"You're so sweet." She says "So sweet..." and then she curls up and
passes out. Buzz looks down at her for a few minutes, admiring her curves
and form, then turns and closes the door behind him as he leaves.
Perhaps next time.......
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
ZERBY'S INFERNO
There is a time in everyone's lives when they think, "What am I doing
here?". At this particular time, it was Julie Daniels that was doing the
thinking. She had just broke up with her last boyfriend, and was walking
around the city. She now found herself walking down "the Strip", as it was
called. The bright lights screaming "Girls,Girls,Girls" and "XXX" created a
halo of the hooker's ratted hair on the corner. Julie had never been on the
Strip alone before, and shivered as she thought of the stories she had
heard. Stories of muggings, and violence.... and rape.
The beeping of a car-horn caused her to stop an turn.
"How much?" the balding man in the car asked her.
"What?" she said in disbelief. The man, looking annoyed, asked again,
"How much for a night?"
"I am not a hooker." Julie said,accentuating her words the way people do
when accused of doing something unclean.
"Coulda fooled me." The man said as he rolled up his window and drove
away. Julie took a look at herself in the front window of a shop
advertising "massages: $20". She is 23, blonde hair down to her shoulders,
blue eyes, large ear-rings. Since it is summer, she is wearing a light
T-shirt tucked into a short pair of shorts. She did look like a hooker, she
decided.
Julie had never had a problem with showing herself. As a matter of fact,
she liked the way she could get guys to do what she wanted by showing her
legs, or not wearing a bra and letting her nipples jut out. She even let
her last boyfriend touch them, But they never got any farther. She wasn't a
slut, after all.
"Hi, there, baby" said a voice in her ear,"Don't move, and nobody gets
hurt." She felt the blade of a knife being held to her kidney as a black
man came into view from behind her.
"OOO-Eee, is de man gonna like you" he says, forcing a pair of handcuffs
onto her wrists as her pushed her off into an alley.
"What do you want?" Julie said, walking where the man was leading her.
"It not what I want, sugar, It what de man want." He said "Up dem
stairs!" Julie headed up a set of old wooden stairs that jutted out from a
building into the alley down which they were walking.
"You're not going to hurt me, are you?" Julie asked in a frightened
voice.
"Naw, I never damage the mechandise, de man don' like dat" He said.
Julie came to the top of the stairs, and the black man pushed her through
with a shove on her ass. She tumbled into the room and lands in a sprawl on
the wooden floor, her hands held behind her by the cuffs.
"Yeah, you bring me a lotta money, wit an ass like dat!" He says.
"What do you mean?" Julie asks.
"You find out real soon, sweetcheecks" the man says. He locks the door
and picks up a nearby phone. Without dialing, he talks into it, never
talking his eyes off of here.
"Yeah. I got a real sweet one..... Yeah... blonde,blue eyes, nice ass...
don't know" He says to the phone.
"Hey, sweetass?" He says to Julie "Is you a virgin?"
"What?"Julie says, not believing his gall.
"Has any one stuck his cock in you pussy?" the man asks.
"NO!" Julie says, looking slightly disgusted at his terminology.
"She a virgin" the man says back into the phone "Bring her down? I do
that" He hangs up the phone.
"We goin' fo' a little ride" He says and moves towards Julie. He grabs
her by her arm and lifts her to her feet.
"Where are you taking me?" Julie asked, her voice on the edge of a wail.
"To see da man, To see da man" the man said. He lead her back down the
stairs, and into a beat-up dodge parked in the back of the building.
"You sit right there" He said, putting her in the passenger seat and
locking the door. He went around and got in the driver's seat. Julie looked
around the front seat trying to find some way out. She might be able to
unlock the door with her teeth, but how could she get the door open, the
latch was set into the door, so she couldn't get it with her knees. The man
sitting next to her prevented anythin else she could think of that wouldn't
get her killed, so she decided to wait until a chance to escape came up.
After about 15 minutes of driving, the man pulled into the parking
garage of a downtown office building. He waved to the valet, who waved him
through. After parking in one of the lower levels, her pulled Julie from
the car.
"This is my chance!" She thought, and stomped hard on the man's foot. He
let go and she tried to run. He was faster then she was, and caught up to
her. He had her held with one hand under her chin, and a knife at her
throat.
"You be tryin' that again, and I'll be lookin' for mo' meat, 'cause you
be dead, got it?" He said in her ear. Julie nodded faintly, not wanting to
get cut by the knife. He lead her into the elevator this way.
"Push #24" He told her. She reached out and pressed the button with a
trembling hand. The door closed, and the elevator began to rise. After
rising a few floors, there is the sound of something heavy dropping onto
the top of the elevator, and the elevator stops.
"Whathefuck!" The man yells. A tittering laugh from above.
"What do ya think you doin' up there?" the man yells. The elevator
lurches down, knocking Julie and the man off balance. Before either can do
anything, the elevator goes back up. The laughter increases in volume and
madness. Thumping emenates from the ceiling as if something is jumping up
and down in glee. The elevator lurches again, but this time doesn't stop.
It crashes into the sub-basement, crushing both occupants. Julie's last
thought was to wonder if the thing would ever stop laughing.
_Canto II_
Julie awoke to find herself in a strange limbo. All around her was
nothing. Great heaps of nothing. She moved her hand. There was no
resistance. She tried to touch her face. She felt nothing. She looked down,
and was unable to see herself. She screamed in fright, but heard nothing.
She kept screaming and screaming until she passed out again.
Julie awoke a second time to the feeling of being lifted up. Two large,
strong hands on her legs, and two more under her shoulders.
"Good" she thought "Someone has found me." She opened her eyes, and
screamed again in alarm. The things carrying her tittered like whatever was
in the elevator. Her mind reeled from the whole scene, and she felt
disconected. Holding her were two creatures about 3 feet high, with big
hands, hands which would be more approriate on a six-footer. On their backs
were bat wings, which they seemed to hold out for balance. One of them kept
running his 2' tail up and down her shins, while the other rested his long
penis in the crook of her neck. Julie had never seen a penis from this
close, but she was sure that it was too big for the creature. The figure
holding her shoulder, now sliding his pecker back and forth scross her neck,
was able to get the tip of it onto her breast-bone.
The two creatures lay her down on the ground, and tittered like
lunatics. Julie lay there in a stunned panic.
"What is going on?" She thought, "Where am I?" She felt one of the
cretures kneel between her knees. He then began tugging off her shorts.
"Hey!" She said, coming out of her daze "Stop that!" She tried to bat
him away with her hands, but was ineffective. A quick kick sent him
sprawling, however. The creature at her shoulder laughed loudly as his
comrade's tumbled head over heels. Julie grabbed his penis, and flung it
from her. She scrambled to her feet and tried to run off, the two things at
her heels. As she was unused to the desert conditions, and her persuers had
the power of flight, she was quickly over-taken by them. One of them
grabbed her leg and she fell into the sand. Julie tried to pull herself
away and kick at the beast, but he had her legs held together. Holding her
with one arm, he reached up and ripped her shorts off of her. Julie
wriggled free again, and took off. She managed to scramble up a hill before
she was grabbed by another creature coming up the other side. She ran
directly into him, and he wrapped her up in a perfect tackle, and brought
her down. The other two peaked the hill, cackling with excitement. Julie
lay on her back, trying to catch her breath, as the wind had been knocked
out of her. The new creature slid himself up until he was kneeling on her
shoulders, and sitting on her tits, his penis an erect pole in front of her
eyes. Julie stared at it with wide eyes.
"Oh, my god!" she thought "What has happened to me?" The other two had
caught up to where Julie and the newcommer had slid down the hill. She felt
them touching her legs and thighs, and kicked out at them.
"Get away from me!" She screamed out in rage, bucking her hips, trying
to disloge the unwanted guest on her chest. The two things at her legs had
them pinned down, and she could feel their tongues working up her thighs.
The creature on her chest began rubbing his member across her cheeks,
nose, and forhead, Julie thrashing her head about all the while. The other
two had reached her crotch by this time, and were frantically lapping her
labia and clit.
"What are you doing? You disgusting little creatures!" Julie exclaimed.
One of the demons climbed off of her legs, and waddled over to her head.
The other wriggled under her legs, and began to eat her out in earnest.
With a leg over each of it shoulders, and the creature on it chest, Julie
was unable to dislodge it.
The demon got to her head, and knelt over it. It pulled her wrist under
its legs, pinning them there, then pushed the demon on Julie's chest back.
The pushed demon snarled, and the two cackled at each other, then the chest
demon scooted back. Julie's shoulder relaxed a little with the weight off
of them, but she was still unable to move with the demon on her wrists.
The demon on her legs was now snaking its tongue up into her slit, an
sucking on her clit. Despite herself, Julie was reacting by juicing up. The
odor seemed to drive the demons on. The demon on her chest, now seated on
her abdomen, ripped open the front of her T-shirt, revealing her breasts.
He dove upon them, and noisily suckled them. The demon near Julie's head
kept rubbing the top of his penis across her lips.
"No!"Julie thought "He wants me to suck on his cock!" The head demon
grabbed her jaws painfully, and forced them open. When her lips were
sufficiently open, he stuffed his cock past them, without care for her
comfort. Julie forgot all about her plan to bite him, and instead started
gagging. The demon pulled back somewhat, which Julie thought of as a show
of compassion, but he soon thrust his prong back down her throat, deeper
this time. Julie tried to bite him, but his grip on her jaw prevented that.
Julie felt something big pushing against her vagina, she quickly
realized it was the cock of the leg demon. He found her hole and buried
himself to the hilt in it. Julie's hymen tore, and the pain of being so
forcefully taken brought a scream to her throat, which was muffled by the
cock shoved down it. A few strokes from the leg demon had Julie changing
her mind. Her body responded, and was begining to overpower her mind. Her
hips bucked up to meet the leg demon's strokes.
The chest demon sat up as she started tossing him around. His new
position brought his dick between her firm tits, so he took advantage of
the opportunity. Grabbing her tits, he held them tight around his cock and
used them to jerk himself off. This was an easy task with Julie's thrashing
pushing him into her tits rhythmically.
Julie's gaspings and moanings had the effect of opening her throat,
allowing the head demon to sink his pecker all the way to the balls.
Julie's slobber was dripping from her mouth, and over her face. She tried
to swallow it, but only succeeded in swallowing the demon's cock.
Julie heard an inhuman groan, and felt a gush of hot liquid in her
snatch. The demon fucking her drove deep into her, and held as he came and
came. Julie felt him pull out, then leave.
Julie was wondering if he would come back when she felt him resume him
fucking on her. Another groan, and she felt the head demon stiffen.
"NO!" She thought as he unloaded into her mouth. She didn't want to
swallow it, and so she gurgled it out nearly as fast as he was pumping it
in. His semen filled her mouth, and over-flowed, running into her eyes. The
head demon seemed satisfied, and pulled away from her. It was then that
Julie saw the flock of demon's around her, slowly masterbating. Another
demon stepped up and forced his way into her semen slicked mouth.
"This whole group is going to gang rape me!" Julie thought in horror,
even as she kept fucking the demon in her snatch, and sucking the one in
her mouth. She felt warmth flowing down her neck on either side and guessed
the chest demon had come.
"Oh, please stop" She thought, but felt herself thrust her hips, and
swallow the prick in her mouth. She felt her will begin to slip, felt her
defenses drop. Her mind filled with conflicting thoughts, and finally lost
the battle. Where once there was a college-educated mind, there was now an
animal. Julie wrapped her legs around the demon fucking her crotch, and
slammed his hips into hers. She swallowed the prick in her mouth, and
nuzzled into his balls. The demons cackled loudly all aroundd her, circling
like vulture, waiting for an opening, or jerking off onto her if they
couldn't find one in time. Julie was oblivious in her mindless hunger to be
fucked.
The demon in her mouth came, and this time she devoured the liquid as
if it were the very life of christ. A look of rapture crossed her
lust-twisted face. She sucked until every drop was out of the demon, and
only then did she stop.
"More..." She managed to say before a new cock was thrust between her
lips. The demon in her snatch came and went soft, to be replaced by another
cock. Her face and chest were plastered with the cum of the breast-fuckers,
and the masterbaters.
_Canto III_
Julie worked her hands free and grabbed the head demon by its buttocks,
shoving his penis down her throat. By now, she completely abandoned reason,
and thought only of milking jizz from the demons near her. Her hips bucked
and slammed into the demon fucking her cunt. Her tongue swirled around the
penis in her mouth, while her throat massaged its head. Another burst of
warm sperm splashed against her neck and face as one of the masterbating
demons came. She pushed the semen towards her lips and slurped it down
around the cock that was already filling her mouth. She barely heard the
booming voice, and cared even less.
"Begone from her, ye creatures of vice. This has been willed on high, where
what is willed must be!" The voice boomed. Julie heard the crowd set up a
fearful cackle.
"I said LEAVE HER!" The voice said, and Julie felt the weight of the
breast demon leave her. An angered scream followed. Julie felt the beast in
her cunt shudder as it came, and felt the semen spray her body when its
cock was removed from her cunt by a well placed kick.
"Away! Away!" the voice said. Julie felt the prick in her mouth being
pulled out.
"NO!" she tried to say around it and grabbed the beast's thighs and tried
to hold on to him, but she was not strong enough. She smeared some of the
cum from her eyes and looked around for the asshole who had ruined her fun.
She saw a man in a white tunic with a blue border, throwing a struggling
demon away from her.
"Oh, please, please no!" she said weakly to him. She crawled over to his
sandaled feet and pressed herself against him. He pushed her away and
wiped off the smear of semen she had left on him.
"I will not hurt you" the man said "come with me" and he held out a
gloved hand. Julie took his hand and lept into his arms. She felt herself
overcome once again with desire. She pressed herself against him and began
to grind her hips against his.
"Please, take me!" She begged. He wrapped his tunic around her and lifted
her onto his shoulders. Julie tried to rub her cunt against his shoulder,
but to no avail.
"Please, I need it so bad!" Julie begged again. The man kept walking.
Julie rubbed as much of the sperm from her body as she could and stuffed it
into her mouth. Still, she wanted more.
"I'll do anything, anything" Julie whined. Julie felt she would die
if she didn't get fucked soon. The man kept walking.
"WHY WON'T YOU FUCK ME!" Julie screamed, pounding on the man's back. She
felt herself being flung into the air and she came down with a large, cold
splash. The man had thrown her into a river! Julie screamed in anger and
thrashed around. The thrashing had the effect of cleaning the demon sperm
from her body quickly, and the coldness brought her back to her senses. She
realized that she was naked, in a river, in the middle of nowhere and a
stranger was watching her. She squatted down in the water and covered
herself as best she could.
"What is going on here!" she cried out to the man "Who the hell are
you?"
The man pulled out a spare tunic from the satchel he was carrying "My
name is Oedipus" he said "You are in the river known as Acheron. I have
removed you from the Vestibule. Here, put this on and I will tell you more
as we travel"
Julie started to climb out, but stopped when she realized that she would
be unable to cover herself adequately. Oedipus smiled at her modesty and
turned around.
"You see, you have died" Oedipus began "As you were a vigin, you were
relegated to the Vestibule, where you experienced the most basic of
carnalities...Lust"
Julie had dressed now, and he lead her leftward, up-river.
"I...I... don't normally act that way" Julie said, slightly embarrased
at what a slut she had been, leaping apon this stranger, and actually
wanting to fuck those things.
"It was the malpenes," Oedipus said "Their semen is a powerful
aphrodesiac. You had no power over it, and were unable to stop it until I
cleaned you off. You probably can still feel the pull even now"
Julie thought about it. Yes, she was still horny, but it was easily
bearable now. Then it hit her.
"I'm dead?" she asked "How can that be? I still feel alive"
"You were in an elevator when it crashed, remember?" Oedipus prompted.
"My GOD!" Julie gasped and sank to her knees "I remember now. That man
was going to sell me off, and then the things on the elevator, and the
crash, and then they....." and she burst into tears. Oedipus knelt beside
her and held her head to his chest.
"Shh. It will be allright. I am here to help" He said "There is a way
out." Julie looked up and him though teary eyes.
"Out?" Julie said
"Yes, but it will be difficult, and unpleaseant. Once we start, you will
be unable to go back" Oedipus said.
"I'll do anything, anything to get away from here" Julie said.
"OK." Oedipus said "We must pass through Hell to get out. Hell is shaped
like a large funnel, with many rings. You must learn of the deviation in
each ring and overcome it in order to be allowed to pass. I will help you
through each one as best I can, but you may find another deviation that is
truley yours"
"What do you mean?" Julie asked.
"Some of the rings have an attraction that you will not be able to
resist, like the Vestibule. It is these that will give us the most
trouble." Oedipus said. Julie had stopped crying somewhat, so Oedipus
helped her to her feet.
"First, I will take you back to the village, and we can prepare for our
Journey." Oedipus said. Julie nodded. The two of them continued walking.
_Canto IV_
After a few minutes, Julie pointed to a line of people leading from the
river out across the desert.
"Who are they?" She asked.
"Those are the souls who belong in Hell. They have come here to be ferried
across the river." Oedipus explained "your captor is probably among them."
"Oh," said Julie, "We don't have to go near them, do we?"
"Actually," said Oedipus apologeticly, "we do. Charon's ferry is the
only way across the river."
"But..." Julie protested.
"Stop." Oedipus commanded "Do you want out or not?"
"Well," Julie said "yes, i suppose. Let's go." and she began to walk
faster towards the crowd. As she neared, she began hearing the crowd. A
low moaning sound filled the air, punctuated by a screaming or yelling as
one of the people in line grabbed another. Charon's voice sounded clearly
over the din.
"Get your asses on the boat if you're going over." he said. The souls
filled the boat quickly. Oedipus grabbed Julie's hand.
"We must go quickly if we are to make it across this trip." He said. The
two of them ran for the boat. They made it to the boat as Charon was
preparing to cast off.
"Wait!" yelled Oedipus. Charon scowled at him.
"How DARE you tell The Boatman to wait." He bellowed.
"Let us on!" Oedipus said.
"No," Charon told him, "Go to the back of the line like everyone else!"
"This girl is not one of your normal load. She is one who is to pass
through. You will carry her. This has been willed above, where what is willed
must be!" Oedipus said.
"Get on!" Charon bellowed angrily. Oedipus helped Julie onto the boat,
then climbed in himself. The boat was very crowded, and Julie could feel
herself pressed against everyone near her. Her breasts were pressed into
the back of a man in front of her, causing her nipples to harden. She felt
quite embarassed, and hoped no one noticed. One of the men to her left
turned, and Julie felt his cock pressing against her hip. She looked over
at him and saw him grinning at her.
"You horrid man!" she yelled and tried to push him away, but was unable
to move very well. She only succeeded in pushing herself into Oedipus, and
nearly knocking him from the boat.
"Julie," Oedipus said "Just ignore them. Otherwise, there will be
trouble. You almost knocked me out that time."
"But he's... Stop it!" Julie yells as the man again humps her hip. She
manages to get her hand to her side and knocks his cock away, but it spring
right back to her hip.
"OHHHNNNGG!!!" Julie moans in frustration. The man standing in front of
her has clasped his hands behind his back and he feels up her crotch
everytime she get jostled forward, mainly from someone behind her giving
her a goosing. A hand came from behind, and rested on her right breast. She
shruged it away, and felt her elbow jab into Oedipus. He instinctively
reached out and grabed her tunic. The tunic slid off of her shoulders,
revealing her breasts, which were promptly grabbed by the hand. Julie grabed
Oedipus' hand and helped him regain his balance. Oedipus stoods again and
put his arm around the front of Julie's waist.
"You do that again, and I'll be knocked out of the boat. I'll just hang
on to you to make sure you stop wriggling" He said. Julie had a moment of
panic, but realized that Oedipus was not doing anything to her, just holding
on. She heard a grunting from her left, and felt something wet soaking
through her tunic on her hip. She realized what it was and turned to glare at
the guy that came on her. She tried to push him, but Oedipus stoped her.
"Please" he beged "Please, don't move." A second hand had joined the
first kneading her breasts, and she felt an erection against her buttocks,
pushing her into the hands of the man in front.
The boat arrived at the far shore none to soon for Julie. She bolted from
the boat, pausing just long enough for Oedipus to get out of her way. She
tried to make the tunic cover her as best she could, but it is a mediocre job
at best. She tried to brush the cum off of her, but it has set in. Oedipus
saw her trying to brush away the imaginary hands.
"Hey, It's all right, It's over." He said, walking over to her "Let's go
to the village. It's a short walk from here, right over that hill." He
pointed to a small ridge away from the river and to their right. Julie looked
at the hill, and nodded, then they begin walking.
"You are going to have to learn not to let things bother you so much."
Oedipus told her.
"But they were touching me!" She said, "That one guy CAME on me!"
"Did they hurt you?" Oedipus asked.
"Well, no.." Julie replied.
"Then let it go." Oedipus said "This is not earth, after all." With that,
Julie lapsed into silence until they came to the gates of a walled city.
"Necropolis" Oedipus grinned, "The City of The Dead!" He walks into the
large clearing, currently being used as a forum for discussion of
philosophical matters.
"We live life here pretty much as we did on earth" Oedipus said "This is
the most restful place in Hell." Julie looked all around her, gathering in
the sights of the city as Oedipus lead her down one street then another.
"Ahh! " Oedipus said, reading a sign in some language Julie doesn't
know, "I see there is going to be a feast tonight, will you join me?"
"Um, sure" Julie said. Oedipus smiles at her.
"Let's get you home and cleaned up" He said. He lead her up a flight of
stone stairs and into his apartment.
"Now, first you'll need a new tunic, that one is torn... " he told her,
"Here, take this one. These sandals will fit you, and here are some hair
combs. Now, we're off to the baths!"
"The bath's?" Julie said "as in PUBLIC baths"
"Well, yes" Oedipus said.
"I'm not going" Julie said.
"Well, It's all we have" Oedipus replied "it's the public baths or
nothing. Oh, come on. Nothing will happen. I guarentee"
"Ok. Nothing better happen though" Julie said sternly as she gathered her
stuff.
_Canto V_
Julie wrapped the tunic around herself, then followed Oedipus to the
public baths a block away. The bath was in a large pillared building,
reminding Julie of some of the greek architecture she had seen in school.
They entered the building and walked down a short hallway. They entered a
large room, filled with pools. Julie thought of them as jucuzzi, except
there wasn't any bubbles. Each seemed to fit eight people, and Oedipus lead
her to one of them with four others, two men and two woman.
"Hi, Oedipus" one of the guys said, "come on in"
"Who's the girl?" one of the others asked.
"May I present Julie" Oedipus said "Julie, this is Mark, Tiffany, Rex,
and Jane"
Oedipus removed his tunic, and eased himself into the hot water of the
pool. Julie looked a bit shy.
"Come on, Julie", Oedipus said "I promised nothing would happen." Julie
looked at the others, naked in the pool. This made up her mind, and she
tossed off her tunic, and slid into the pool, looking around her the whole
time as if she were being stared at.
"See, It's not so bad." said Tiffany, the brunette with the big breasts.
"Yeah, I suppose" Julie said, "I guess I'm just not used to it."
"You going to the festival tonight?" Jane asked.
"Yes," Julie said "Oedipus invited me." The four looked at each other
knowingly.
"What!?" asked Julie suspisiously.
"Well," Oedipus said "The festivals here usually end up as orgies, and
whoever invited you gets first crack.... But don't worry, I told you that
nothing would happen, and it won't. It's all up to you."
Julie looked a little ashen.
"Well," She said "I don't know if I want to go now."
"Sure you do" Mark said "It's a lot of fun!"
"I don't want to be raped again!" Julie said.
"They won't RAPE you silly," Jane said with a giggle and a look at Rex "But
they will fuck the shit out of you if you want."
"Yeah," Tiffany said "Come along, if you don't like it, you can leave."
"Well, alright" Julie said "I'll go."
"Tiff and I are about to take off for the festival right now, It's
probably starting" Mark said.
"We'll join you." Jane said. The four got up and left Julie and Oedipus.
"Bye." Julie said. She turned to Oedipus.
"Tell me something" she said "Why is it that I keep meeting Americans?
Well, except for you."
"Actually, including me." Oedipus said "I just took on the name and the
mannerism, because I like them. The reason you see Americans is a mystery.
It seems that everyone sees their own contrymen here. We don't know why."
"Hm.." Julie said "I HAD noticed that your accent keeps changing."
"We better finish the bath before they festival ends" Oedipus said,
changing the subject.
"Ok. Uh... Where's the soap?" Julie asked. Oedipus dipped his head into
the pool.
"Don't need any." He said when he popped back up, "This water is from the
Acheron, the same river you bathed in earlier. It's cleansing properties
are legendary."
"Oh." Julie said, not really understanding. She dunked her head anyway,
and let the water soak through her hair. Coming up, she saw Oedipus rubbing
his body as if he had soap, so she did the same, running her hands over her
glistening breasts, across her trim stomach and down her firm legs.
"Need help" Oedipus asked "With your back, I mean"
"Yeah, I can't reach it" Julie said and turned away from him. Oedipus
placed his hand on her shoulders and scrubbed his way down her back. He was
surprised at her figure, he hadn't realized how curved she was. By the time
he got down to her flaring hips and ass, he had a raging boner.
"Shall I clean your back?" She asked. Oedipus just nodded. He turned and
Julie ran her finhers down his back. Oedipus shivered, despite the warmness
of the water. Both giggled.
"You like that?" Julie asked.
"Yes, quite a bit" said Oedipus, who had gone into a haze as Julie
finished cleaning his back.
"All clean?" asked Oedipus. Julie laughed at the silly way he said it.
"Sure." She said.
"Let's go then" He replied, helping her from the pool. The two dried
themselves off, and Oedipus started to put on his toga, a blue one with
yellow borders.
"Don't you think it's kind of short?" Julie asked.
"Not at all. It's as big as anyone elses" Oedipus said, looking at his
penis.
Julie thought for a second.
"No, silly" She finally said "my tunic." She said modeling it. When she
turned, the white fabric of the skirt rose, promising a view of the smooth
ass beneath.
"OH" said Oedipus "It's fine. That's what all the women wear." By this
time they were out of the building and into the festivities. Julie realized
it was true, all of the women wore tunic her size or shorter.
"Hey, Oedipus" a voice called out. Julie and Oedipus turned to see Mark
waving at them.
"Shall we?" Oedipus asked.
"Sure" said Julie. Oedipus grabbed her hand and lead her through the
crowd over to the place where Mark, Tiffany, and Jane stood. Rex was
haggling with a merchant over the price of some fruit.
"You guys want to get something to eat?" Jane asked.
"Well, sure" Oedipus replied "Feel like eating, Julie?" He asked.
"I guess so. I thought you don't get hungry as a spirit." Julie said.
"You don't, but a lot of people enjoy eating, and it is hard to have a
good festival without food, so we eat." Oedipus explained. Tiffany had gone
to get Rex, who came back with an armful of peaches.
"Here you go" Tiffany said, handing the peaches out to everyone. The six
of them walked down to one of the festival halls, and chose a convienient
table. Soon they were eating, drinking, and having a wonderful time. The
drink had the same effect on Julie's spirit as it did on her body on earth,
and she felt horny. She snuggled against Oedipus and ran her hands along
his chest.
_Canto VI_
Oedipus put his arm around Julie and rubbed her back. He bowed his head
and kissed her hair.
"Julie" he said softly "You remember what I said earlier about nothing
happening, unless you wanted it"
"Yeah" Julie said dreamily.
"The time has come for you to decide" He said.
"I want it." Julie said "Make love to me." Oedipus smiled. He lifted
Julie's chin and kissed her lips. She pressed against him, and ran his
fingers through her hair. He reached down to one of her breasts and Julie
stopped him.
"Here?" she asked.
"Yes" said Oedipus firmly "look around you, this is supposed to be an
orgy, after all" He smiled. Julie looked around. Tiffany was on Mark's lap,
kissing him and bouncing softly. Jane was behind Rex, with her hands
between his legs, stroking his erect member.
"Oh, I guess it'll be alright then" Julie said, turning back to Oedipus.
She lead his hand back to her breast, and he gently kneaded it and stroked
her nipple as she found the opening in his toga and ran her fingers through
his chest hair. Oedipus let go of her breast and grabbed a cup from the
table. He drank from it, and offered some to her. Julie drank deeply from
the cup.
"Not too much," Oedipus warned "I don't want you to pass out"
"Neither do I" Julie said, working her hands down his body, opening his
toga further as she worked her way down. Oedipus worked his hands down to
the buckle on Julie's left hip, and unclasped it. Still kissing, Julie
stood from her chair and cast her toga aside. Oedipus shrugged his toga off
of his shoulders and let it fall over the back of the chair. Julie turned
from him and sat down on his lap, pressing his cock against her right hip.
She threw her arms around him as he continued to stoke her breasts with his
right hand and her back with his left.
"You are very beautiful" Oedipus said to her.
"Thanks" she said "I like you as well" She moved his hand from her
breast, down to her thigh, and slid it up towards her crotch. Oedipus
strokes on her back grew longer until his hand reached into the crack of
her delicious ass.
"Julie," Oedipus said "I want to fuck you"
"Yes," Julie said "do it!" Oedipus kept stroking her clit as his finger
pressed against her anus.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm fingering your clit." he asked, thinking the question somewhat
inane.
"No, with my ass." Julie asked.
"I am fingering that as well" Oedipus said.
"Why?" Julie asked.
"Oh!" She said after a second's thought "I'm scared to do that."
"Don't be" Oedipus said "If you don't like it, I'll stop. I think you
will though, look how much Tiffany likes it." Julie looked to where Oedipus
had pointed to see Tiffany panting from her orgasm, with Mark still fucking
her ass.
"Ok." Julie said "I can't believe I'm letting you do this. I must
REALLY be drunk"
"Shhh." Oedipus said and kissed her again. While the kiss lingered,
Oedipus dipped his fingers in a bowl on the table, and worked a finger up
Julie's ass.
"That feels so strange" Julie said.
"Does it feel bad?" Oedipus asked.
"No, just different." Julie replied "keep going" Oedipus pulled his
finger out, and slid it back in, slowly fucking Julie's tight sphincter
with his finger.
"Ready for another one?" Oedipus asked. Julie looked him in the eye and
nodded slowly.
"Yes." she said "I think I like this" Oedipus pulled his finger most of
the way out, and worked a second one up next to the first. Julie's stomach
tightened and she moaned as Oedipus twisted his fingers in her ass. His
hand on her clit rubbed faster and Julie's breathing became ragged.
"I.. Oh, this is... " Julie said "I want to try your cock in me"
"Are you sure?" Oedipus asked.
"Yes! " Julie said "Do it!" Oedipus pulled his fingers from Julie's ass
slowly, and turned her over the table. Julie grabbed the far end of the
table and held on. Oedipus grabbed some more of the lubricant, and coated
his penis. He then gently pressed the head against Julie's pucker. He
pressed firmly forward.
"ow! ow!" Julie said.
"You must relax, Julie" Oedipus said. Julie took a deep breath, and
Oedipus slid the head of his prick into her.
"OOOOWWWWWW!" Julie moaned.
"The worst is over" Oedipus said to her.
"That hurt." She said.
"Well, now that the head is in, the rest should be easy" Oedipus told
her and slowly fed the rest of his cock up her virgin ass. Julie's stomach
muscles churned at the unaccostomed intrusion. Oedipus had once again found
her clit and was stroking it. When his hips pressed into her full ass he
said,
"That's the whole thing, can you handle it?"
"Yes, "Julie said through slightly clenched teeth "Yes, just keep
fingering me. It's not something I'm used to, but I could grow to really
like it." Oedipus rubbed her cunny as he pulled his cock out till just the
head was in. He slid it back into her in one clean stroke.
"Oooooh" Juli moaned "Oh, that did it. That's what I want" Oedipus
pulled out again and pressed in, each time a little faster. Julie came and
her rectum gripped Oedipus with and almost painful grasp. He stopped
fucking her ass in fear of hurting her.
"No, "Julie said "Don't stop. don't stop" and she bucked back against
him, her spasming ass nearly squeezing his cock off. Oedipus grabbed her
hips and held on as Julie instictively tried to expell him. Oedipus' penis
began to twitch inside Julie's colon, causing her to shake all over in her
orgasm. Oedipus came in her, spraying her rectum with spunk. Julie felt the
hot rush in her ass, and set up a howl,
"Ooooh my god" She howled "oh my god ohmygodohmygodooooo" and she peaked
again.
_Canto VII_
Julie collapsed onto the table, and Oedipus kissed her sweaty shoulders.
"Now it's my turn." Oedipus said.
"Hmm.?" Julie asked.
"I want you to fuck MY ass now." Oedipus said.
"Wha? How? " Julie asked laying up on one elbow.
"Well, start with your fingers, then use this" Oedipus said, lifting a
dildo from the table. It was about 10" long and 2" across.
"But, that's huge!" Julie said.
"I've done this before" Oedipus reassured with a grin.
"Ok. lay down" Julie said. Oedipus bent over the table as Julie had
earlier. "You'll have to direct me" She said.
"Start by getting comfortable" Oedipus said. Julie moved the chair
around and sat in it.
"OK" she said.
"Now, use this and lube up a finger, then lub up my butt" Oedipus said,
sliding the bowl towards her. Julie dipped her fingers in, then pressed the
goo into Oedipus' hole.
"Ugnnn. Slowly" Oedipus warned. "Now work it in like I did to you" Julie
rubbed Oedipus' anus with a gentle circular motion, until she could slip
her finger up him.
"Okay, now make sure the lube is all around" Oedipus said. Julie pushed
her finger in until her knuckles pressed against Oedipus. She twisted her
hand, and brought the finger back out.
"Yes, just like that" Oedipus said "now put in another finger." Julie
pulled out her finger, and lubed up the one next to it. She then worked the
combination into Oedipus' ass. After she got her first knuckle in, Her
fingers seemed to be sucked in. Oedipus let out a low moan. Julie fucked
his ass with her fingers, and Oedipus wriggled on the table.
"You better...ugn...try a third finger...ugn...before using the dildo"
Oedipus said gruntingly.
"Are you sure?" Julie asked.
"Yes" Oedipus said. Julie slipped a third finger up Oedipus' well lubed
ass. Oedipus arched his back.
"You have to relax" Julie chided Oedipus. He relaxed and Julie twisted
her fingers in his rectum.
"How is that?" She asked.
"Wonderful" He said, out of breath, "Now strap on the dildo. The nubs on
the base go against your clit" Julie put it on.
"Now flip the switch on the right side of the base." Oedipus said.
"ooooo" Julie squeaked as the vibrator tickled her twat.
"Now lube it up." Oedipus said.
"Now, do it" Oedipus said. Julie pressed the tip of the dildo against
Oedipus' ass. It slid in smoothly. Julie ground her hips into the dildo,
and Oedipus moaned.
"Slide it more" Oedipus directed. Julie ground her hips in bigger
circles, eliciting a shudder from Oedipus.
"That's great" Oedipus said "Now reach around and play with my cock"
Julie leaned over Oedipus and reached under him. She kept fucking him
with the big strokes. Her hands reached his penis, and found it firmly
erect and twitching with each of her strokes.
"Why does it do that?" Julie asked.
"Hmmm?" asked Oedipus hazily.
"Why does your cock twitch when I shove it in?" Julie asked.
"Because you're rubbing...." Oedipus said "rubbing my prostate. Mmmm"
"And you like that?" Julie asked.
"What do you think?" Oedipus said, grunting as Julie thrust the dildo in
again.
"Yeah, you like it" Julie said, now slamming into his ass.
"You know," Oedipus said "I'm gonna cum" and with that he let loose his
load on the table. His ass cheeks nearly ripping the dildo off of her.
"Wow! That was cool" Julie said "I've never seen a guy come like that."
"Well" Oedipus said "I really liked it" Julie rolled him over and wiped
the cum off of the table with a napkin. She threw it to the side, then
crawled up on the table with Oedipus. He put his arms around her and they
kissed, then fell asleep, sated.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I made the horrible mistake of reading the Appendices of Illuminatus!
and found my brain taken over.. and spewed this..
It seems the local Pagan guild is trying to also relate the
Pentagon to the five power rangers.. until they added a sixth.. Unh!
*
* *
* *
* The Wholly Discordian *
* P E N T A G O N *
* *
* (inscribe sacred chao here) *
* *
* *
* *
* * * * * *
Alright, I hope you've read Lord Falgan's "Principles of Discordian
Magick" (1) because it's a good rambling read and (2) because half of me
theories build off of his, another half are strictly his, and the third
half utterly contradict his. Sri Syadasti!
Their are two primary differences between the way Falgan and I treat the
pentagon. I insist power radiate from points, instead of faces (very bad
Pagan habit), and I run the cycle counter-clockwise. Most will argue
that this it out of sheer contrariness, but I must point out: if I spin
the Sacred Chao, and watch the Apple chase the Pentagon's tail, the Chao
is rotating widdershins. Besides, what better way to create quick
Discord than to put two trains on a track going in circles opposite
directions. Sui filique, ite, Gomez Adams!
For ritual work, and meditation included, I suggest you make your
pentagon out of wood, particularly wood from an apple tree. Barring
this, I suggest something edible, so that you may easily dispose of
evidence in the case of untimely interruptions by law-enforcement members.
Now, very carefully, inscribe a circle within the pentagon and draw the
Sacred Chao in it. For a real good trip, draw a pentagon on your ceiling
above the ceiling fan, and attach a carboard circle to the fan with the
Chao inscribed on it. Inhale the fumes from your favorite leaf, lay
back, stare into the fan, and introspect.
-Discord-
*
* *
* *
* The Wholly Discordian *
-Confusion- * P E N T A G O N * -Chaos-
* *
* (inscribe sacred chao here) *
* *
* *
* *
* * * * * *
-Beaucracy- -Aftermath-
That's right kiddies, we've got your Sacred Symbols right here.
Like most standard magickal symbols (i.e. the hexagram, the
pentagram, the Tree of Life), the Discordian Pentagon has a variety of
concepts and symbols associated with its points and crossings. These
associations may become useful when working Discordian Rites, or they may
just interfere with the Gestalt concept. Feel free to ignore them, deny
them, and write your own. After all, all things are true in some sense,
false in some sense, meaningless in some sense... As a quick
refresher, let's redefine the cycle.
CHAOS: Chaos is the pre-existence state of the unmanifest. In Chaos,
we find the energy that we Ritually conduct into our reality. Chaos is
pure potential, an abstract spaghetti of standing waves. It is our power
plant and battery, and the fetal harmony from which all things come.
Chaos comes into existence through deliberate and accidental acts of
invocation, and is transmitted through That Which Is along paths knows as
Chaos Vectors. These paths tend to be twisty, convoluted, and better
represented by concepts than formulae.
DISCORD: Discord is an abstract term we use to define a state of
conflict. Hagbard Celine noted that Discord naturally manifests in the
presence of a minimum of three (3) Chaos Vectors. The reason we perceive
Discord after three such Vectors, is because the human mind is only
capable of reasoning in fives, and three chaos vectors takes us over that
limit to six combinations, i.e. if we have three vectors labeled A,B, and
C, there are six possible combinations : A, B, C, A&B, A&C, and A&B&C.
If you doubt this, graph three unrelated cyclic functions. Add any two
of them, and you can still note the patterns. Add all three and you will
find, if they are truly unrelated, that the pattern is too vast for you
to grasp. This is how we perceive Discord.
CONFUSION: Confusion is the suspended state of balance after
Discord. When Chaos, the original Podge-force, meets the natural
strike of Discord, the Hodge-reaction, the two are momentarily in
counterbalance. At this point, their effects are temporarily negated,
and the spin of the Chao appears to have stopped. This apparent
cessitation of established strife, much like those few moments of a total
solar eclipse, leaves the mortal mind lost in a strange wilder-land of
uncertainty. We must not forget that the Hodge force is still on the
rise, and the earlier-launched Podge force falls away, the Hodge
triumphantly straitjackets the preceedings.
BEAURACRACY: While the Podge held its sway under the auspices of
Chaos, the Hodge takes full exhaltion. A period under this fifth of the
cycle is marked by logic-over-intuition and science-over-art. Rules and
regulations are the order of the day, swiftly implemented to prevent the
masses from falling back into Confusion. I must interject that the Age
of Reason still sends us Beauracratic energy in the form of Newtonian
Mechanics. With time, Hodge reaches its peak and begins to decline.
That which has been restrained by law surges to break free, and quickly
saps away the Beauracracy. With Podge long gone, Hodge strains for one
last minute to be the dying light of evening.
AFTERMATH: Then, there is silence. Aftermath is the absence of both
Hodge and Podge waves, the down time before the cycle can begin anew with
Chaos. It is the Long Winter and the Desert Plain. In time, Podge will
achieve enough potential to fire a few Chaos Vectors into reality, in the
absence of Hodge, and the Chao will continue spinning.
-Spirit-
*
* Dsc *
* *
* *
-Air- * Cfn Chs * -Water-
* *
* *
* *
* *
* Bcy Afm *
* * * * * *
-Earth- -Fire-
Okay, by now any Pagans, GD'rs, or miscellaneous persons with
familiarity with the standard pentacle will be scratching their head and
saying, "Gee, Deacon, the order of those elements looks a little
suspicious. That's the way our Order arranges them." What's your
point? Either by synchronicity, or a convenient trans-reality web, the
Tricycle and Bicycle seem to correspond quite nicely. Lucky us.
I) Chaos corresponds to the element water. Water is the concealer of
things unseen, and a never ending reserve of waves, whirlpools, and other
expressions of Chaos. It sends Chaos vectors to us in the form of
currents, storms, and tsunami. It gives us life, and it wipes out our
homes. It is the essential mother-element from which we came, as Chaos
is the mother-energy from which all things manifest. This is why we know
that Water is the Chaos Element.
II) Discord corresponds to the element of spirit. Spirit, by
tradition, is the point associated with one's deity, and the conscious
manipulator of the world. Discordia, our Lady's name, resides at this
point at the top of the Tricycle, yea, at the very top of the pentagon,
as the controlling Goddess and the Mistress of Mayhem. From here, she
drops her Apple onto the point of Spirit, and lets it fall to the left,
to add spin to the cycle. This is part of why Spirit is at the point of
Discord.
III) Confusion corresponds to the point of air. Chew on the phrases
"lightheaded with confusion" and "lost in the clouds." Air is the
perpetrator of the whirlwind downward spiral that sinks one's senses into
a deep fog. In this fog, we wander about blind, in Confusion's grip.
Once we "clear the air", the Confusion is gone. Can you see now, why
Confusion rules the air?
IV) Beaucracy rests at the point of earth. Earth, as students of the
Tarot know, controls regulations, lawyers, science, and all things
grounded and sound. Earth is the foundation from which we build our
conformity-based civilization, and the ground in which we bury those
concepts we consider to be dead parts of the machine. Earth is land, and
land is what is carved, and that on which we draw invisible lines of
property, State, and Nation. For this, we regelate Earth to Beaucracy.
Aftermath is the end, the gateway to fire. Aftermath is the final
coming, in which the Christian God threatens to destroy "His" world by
flame. Aftermath is their end, Hell, an eternal blazing inferno.
Aftermath is the wrath of the executioner, who is like a "refiner's
fire." Aftermath is reduction of the material to ashes, that the Phoenix
might rise again in Primal Chaos. For these, and similar reasons, we
link Aftermath to the burning element of Fire.
3
-The Hanged Man-
*
* Dsc *
* *
* *
-The Fool- * Cfn Chs * -High Priestess-
11 * * 2
* *
* *
* *
* Bcy Afm *
* * * * * *
-The Tower- -The Lovers-
8 5
Describing the Cycle via Tarot is always best done by progressive
imagery, in much the same way a Tarot reading is done. All cycles start
everywhere, but let's pick our common reference point of Chaos. At
Chaos, we are greeted by the Image of the High Priestess.
The High Priestess is the Spiritual Mother Symbol, in contrast to the
Emperess who represents Physical Motherhood. The High Priestess is card
two, as is indicative of the naturally balanced state of Chaos. She sits
before the two pillars of Light and Darkness, directing them in vectors into
our reality, with equal facility. She is adorned by the solar cross. Two is
usually assigned to female, some would say indicative of the breasts, and
to indicate that she is further along the spiritual line than the Man,
who resides at the phallic number (note the erect shape) 1 (one). It is
from the High Priestess of the Unmanifest that opposites are given
relative interpretation in this reality, since light cannot exist without
dark as a reference. As the Priestess emits her waves into the world,
they are received by a receptive person, who is a Yang force, represented
by the Hanged Man.
The Hanged Man is humanity awaiting transformation. Recall that this
point of Discord is given to the element of Spirit, and Goddess herself.
Here he hangs, awaiting Her inspiration, at the highest peak of the
Pentagon - mountain to facilitate receiving her messages. When she calls
to him to become an active force of Hodge/Yang, he will answer, leading
the world forward into Holy Confusion. His number here is three, as
three is the number of the Tricycle, of which he is the peak, and the
number of the all male "trinity". He is the first force through which
divinity, which is traditionally the all-male trinity of three, will
manifest with anthropomorphic intent. As he becomes the focus of
Discord, He twists the Chaos Vectors about into a temporary absence of
conflict, and passes this flux of enligthenment onto the Fool.
The Fool, whose number is eleven, stands in Confusion, unsure where
to walk. He may jump over the abyss back into Discord, or he may take
the narrow trail into Beauracracy and the Aneristic Bicycle. The Fool's
number is eleven, which in older times meant that-which-has-yet-to-be-
purified, as it was one shy of the divinity of twelve. It may also be
considered as ten + one, the number of man plus the number of divinity,
and man's madness at the infinity of the divine. If you look carefully,
you will find an eleven-pointed star on the bottles of some mind-altering
prescription drugs. The Fool, in his Confusion, opts for the ways of
Beauracracy and begins the task of building a society.
This society can be symbolized by the Tower of Beauracracy, a
stylized version of the Tower of Babel. It has the number of eight. The
tower is built upon solid earth, and "rational" laws of architecture by
which man elevates himself to the status of the above. The number eight
is the four of elemental earth mirrored into our culture, and the
octagonal stop sign on the corner. Eight is also two cubed, i.e. a
triangle of twos, a receptive force boxing us in on all three sides. As
Holy Chaos inspires the civilization that has become boxed in by
Beauracracy, the Tower is struck by lightning and falls. The Tower is in
ruins, and only those who have not put themselves under its protection
survive the catastrophe into Aftermath.
Aftermath is represented by the Lovers, whose number is five. The
Lovers are those naturally harmonious opposites who have skirted society,
living and learning between themselves. Their number is five because
five is the number of man, and the number of completion of our cycle. It
is the four of earth plus the one of divinity, the incarnation of holy
knowledge on earth. The Lovers notice the Tower has risen and fallen,
and spend the rest of their lives awaiting the end of the cycle.
3
-The Hanged Man-
*
* Dsc *
* *
* *
-The Fool- * Cfn Chs * -High Priestess-
11 * * 2
* *
* *
* *
* Bcy Afm *
* * * * * *
-The Tower- -The Lovers-
8 5
Numerology on the Pentacle, Points to Note
The Tricycle is unified by Trinary computation. It's numbers are
3, 2 and 11. In Trinary, base three, 3+2=11. In decimal consideration,
3 + 2 + 11 = 3 + 2 + 1 + 1 = 7, which is a standard number of divinity.
The Bicycle is unified by the Law of Fives. It is comprised of 8 and 5.
Note that 8=2^3, and 2+3=5. Note also if we add 8 and 5, we get the
traditionally unlucky 13.
Recall that Falgar warns us that Discord, Beauracracy, and Aftermath
magic are the most -dangerous- (fnord) vibes. Link them as a triangle
and note the numbers 3, 5, and 8. 3+5=8.
Divide the Pentagon in half down the middle. Note that on the left you
have the numbers 3, 8, and 11. 3+8=11. On the right you have the
numbers 2, 3, and 5. 2+3=5
The harder you look, the more relations you will find to help engrave the
image of the Pentagon into your subconscious.
CORRELATIONS? ANYONE? GIMME!
-anonymous
------------------------------------
Discordian magik? Are you Insane? Discordians don't even pray because its
too dangerous.
Ok, think of this, you cast a simple love spell. Hopefuly you messed up
and it dosn't work. But even if it does work any of the folowing can
happen
1. Nothing
2. The object falles in love with you, you get married and live happly
ever after.
3. You fall in love with the object, and it still dosen't like you.
4. Some other object falls in love with you. (like the whole membership
of the Lepers support club.
5. Eris appears and says, Well its about time someone tried out that
apocalypse spell.
Nooo. Nooo too dangerous, Im out of here.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
This is an idea that occured to me over the summer. I don't know how many
parts it will be.....
THE CREATION OF GONAD LAD
The last thing I remember was the Dodge Omni swerve into me as it sped
down the hill. I remember going over the hood, and the surprised look on the
driver's face as I plowed into him through the windshield. I passed out laying
across the steering wheel, with my face in the remains of his neck. Good
for me he had smashed the glass with his head, it let me live... sort of.
When I awoke, I found that I couldn't see.
"My God, I'm dead!" I thought, then realized that my head was bandaged
is all. I tried to reach up to my head, but my arms wouldn't move.
"Help me! Where am I?" I started yelling. I could tell the sound was
weak, and that frightened me all the more. Suddenly, I felt hands on my
shoulders and a soothing female voice.
"Shhhh! It's all right. There's been an accident. You're in the
hospital. Everything is fine. Shhh!!" She said. I quieted down, now that
there was someone to talk to.
"What happened?" I asked.
"You were hit by a drunk driver." She said "You broke both of your arms,
and dislocated your hips going through the windshield. We've done extensive
surgery on you due to the deep gashes from the glass. The driver did not
survive."
"I remember...." I said, in horror.
"You know, you were dead on the table for about 15minutes." She said.
"Dead..." I murmured.
"Yes, but a guardian angel came and paid for your recovery." She told
me.
"Who?" I asked.
"You'll soon find out." She said "Rest now." It seemed like such a good
idea, and I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
I don't know how long it was when I was awakened to the feeling of
suction on my penis. I was surprised and yelled out.
"Hey, Stop it!" I said.
"I'm just doing some tests." The voice said. The suction never stopped.
"What's going on?" I demanded.
"The accident removed a large partion of your genitals. We've replaced
them. What you are feeling now is the machine we use to massage the tissue,
and make sure everything is working properly. Can you feel it working?" She
asked expectantly.
"Yes, it feels nice." I said "but..."
"Good." She said, interupting me "We were wondering if the neuro-surgery
worked properly."
"Neuro...surgery?" I asked. The machine felt great.
"So that you can feel through the prosthetic." She said "We tried to
make it as life-like as possible, with a few modifications...." Her voice
trailed off. I got the feeling that she was distracted.
"Uh...Uh... Like what?...Uh.." I asked. The machine was making it hard
to concentrate.
"There's plenty of time to find that out." She said "Just cum for me
now." Her voice, so soft and just inches from my ear, so sensuous her odor.
I came and came into the machine. It felt different somehow. Longer, more
intense. If this was the change, then Viva Science! I soon drifted off to
sleep as I felt the nurse remove the machine and wipe me clean.
A few days later (Well, at least, a few sleeps later) the doctor came
and said my bandages could be removed. The nurse told me the good news.
"Your bandages come off today." She said.
"When?" I asked.
"As soon as you're ready." She said.
"Now!" I told her.
"I thought you'd say that" She said "So I brought some equipment with
me. I'm going to cut along your left side, and then unwrap your head, OK?"
"Great!" I said "Do it!" I was anxious to see again. I felt a snip, and
then light came gradually to my eyes as she unwrapped the gauze. She came
into focus soon after the gauze was off. I hadn't realized how bright
hospitals are!
"You're the most beautiful thing I've seen" I told her. It was true. Her
face matched her voice. Red hair tumbled from under her hat, and across her
shoulders. She wore a blue frock and a white apron.
"I thought those uniforms went out with the turn of the century?" I
said.
"Well, we like them here. Don't you?" She asked
~Yeah, I'd like anything on you." I said. She blushed a little. I
watched her ass sway as she walked away, and felt the blood rushing to my
cock. I lay back on the bed.
"What a great lay she would be" I thought. Then I saw it. What had they
done to me? My cock was erect alright, but it was bigger than my forearm!
How was I supposed to use THAT! I jumped back at the sight of the thing.
The nurse heard me and came back in.
"Oh, that's right. You hadn't seen it." She said "It must be quite a
shock..."
"Damn right!" I said "What am I to do with this?" I indicated my penis.
"Shh! now just try to relax. You should be able to control the size of
the prosthetic by concentrating." I tried, after about a minute of looking
at the beast, it slipped down to about half size, by then I had some
control over it. Size was adjusted by a movement similar to a keigel
exercise I had once learned.
"Good!" the nurse laughed "Good!" It wasn't until then that I really
connected this thing with MY thing. Here I was in bed with my cock hanging
out, and a very pretty nurse seemed thrilled with my progress with it. I
blushed.
"I was just about to get the box" She said "So you just practice while I
set it up." She left the room, and I made my cock go all the way down. When
she came back, she had a stainless steel box on an arm attached to a cart.
"Are you ready?" She asked "I need it erect." She stroked her fingers
along the bottom of my cock and it rose against my will.
"Full size" She directed me. I let it get bigger and bigger until it
stood out full.
"Shouldn't I be light headed or something?" I asked.
"What?" She said "Oh, no, It's hydraulic. We've had to modify you quite
a bit to get it to work right." She explained as she slipped the box over
my cockhead. It sucked itself down onto my cock and began trying to milk
me.
"Why did you do this?" I asked.
"The doctor was paid for it, so he did it. Is there a problem?" She
asked.
"Well, no. It's just that...." I said, leaving the sentence open.
"Don't worry. All your questions will be answered in time." She told me,
"Just relax and cum for me....Come on... Cum into the box for Nancy.." She
ran her hands across my chest, and snuggled up against me. Her breasts
pressed against my chest as she began whispering in my ear and nibbling on
it.
"Cum for me... Cum for me...." She whispered. Needless to say, I did. I
felt the cum rise through every inch of that massive prick, and explode out
the end. Every muscle in my body tightened and I seemed to get sucked out
through the end of my tool.
"God, that was the best..." I moaned. Nancy smiled.
"I set the feed-back on full today." She said "We thought you would be
prepared for it." I just nodded dumbly. She turned a dial on the machine
and pulled a small cup from it. It looked like about 6oz. of milk. I
realized what it was.
"How?" I said. She looked at me.
"Oh... We added some hormone therepy and computer-directed stimulation
to some of your organs, your prostate mainly. Also, we enlarged your
seminal vesicles and added extra epididimus inside of your body. We figure
you should be able to produce a full cup by the time you are tuned up."
"a cup" I ran it through my mind. nothing.
"And you should be able to produce it in real time. That is, you should
be able to ejaculate about once every ten minutes, and a cup at a time...."
She stopped and let that sink in.
I was amazed, but still not grasping the full meaning. She lifted the
box off of me and wiped off the excess lubricant with a towel. As she
pushed the machine out the door, I saw her raise the specimen glass to her
lips and drain it in one gulp, like a wino downing a shot of booze. I
nerely came again. But I needed to know. What the hell was going on around
here?
-=PART II=-
The only person I had seen these past two weeks (?) was Nancy, my nurse.
I was therefor surprised when my doctor came in one afternoon, shortly
after Nancy had done the morning testing.
"Mr. _______ " the doctor said "let me be blunt. How often has Nurse
Nancy been testing you?"
"Um.. twice a day." I said.
"I see." He replied "and has she been drinking the sample after the
morning test."
"Why, yes," I said "she has."
"I see. Thank you Mr. _______" He said, and got up to leave. I thought
that was a strange conversation, until my next test. Nancy wasn't there.
Instead, it was an attractive woman in her 30s. She had her hair back in a
bun, glasses, and a severe look. She efficiently placed the machine on my
prosthetic and set it to work.
"Where's Nancy." I said.
"I wouldn't know, Mr. _______" she replied coldly. I didn't talk to her
anymore after that. It was obvious she didn't want to. After I came
grudgingly, she took off the machine and wiped my cock roughly, but
professionally. She then took the sample and left. She didn't drink it.
Later that evening (I think, I don't have a window) Nancy walked into my
room. She put her finger to her lips. She looked a little harried. She
hurried over to my bed, and sat on the visitor's chair near the head.
"Shhh!" she said "I'm not supposed to be here."
"Why?" I asked.
"The doctor found out that I had been testing you twice a day, instead
of the once that was prescribed. And that I had been drinking it." She
said. I felt bad for her, and for myself. My new nurse wasn't half as
exciting as Nancy.
"Oh." I said, nothing else coming to mind.
"But I need to have cum, and you have more than any man I've ever met."
she said. I nodded. "Anyway, do you mind if I take some from you?"
"Geez, no. I was hoping you would. The new nurse scares me." I said.
"Not with the machine, this has to be more clandestine." She said. My
responce was to kick off my sheet and reveal my cock. I had it at
half-mast, which I thought would be comfortable, about 7". My arms were
still in casts, so I did nothing but watch as she crawled into the space
left on the foot of the bed. She ran her hands along the sides of my cock,
then licked the head all over, making it slick, before she dove down onto
it, impaling her head over the implant. The back of her mouth opened up,
and I kept sliding into her throat for a few inches. With her lips and nose
buried in my pubic hair, she looked up at me and smiled. I could tell by
her eyes lighting up that she was quite please. Her throat collapsed on my
cock, while she used her tongue like a plow, making little furrows across
the bottom of my penis. When she pulled her head back, her tongue pressed
flatly against my cock, and her cheeks pulled in, she closed her eyes, and
a look of rapture came over her. Her lips stayed glued to my wang for the
full stroke until she ended it with just the slightest of kisses on the
tip. She licked over the tip again.
"I wonder..." she said to herself, then to me "Make it longer, about
here." She indicated a place with her hand, about 9". I concentrated, and
my prosthetic responded, stretching until the tip was touching the palm of
her hand. She grasped the base of it, and licked it from the base to the
tip in several long strokes. She then took the first several inches into
her mouth, and I felt her throat open as she pressed her head lower. She
took a deep breath, then shifted her weight forward, forcing my cock the
rest of the way down. God, could she suck cock. She moved her head in a
circular pattern, nuzzling my balls with her chin, and working my cock
around in her throat. Everything came through in crystal clarity. I felt
her breasts against my legs, her hair against my hips, and every inch of my
cock in her mouth. She gulped on my penis as she raised her face away from
my hips, causing my cock to twitch in her mouth. She began laughing when
there was just a bit of my cock left in her mouth, an uninhibited giggle of
pleasure.
"Wow. I did it!" She said, obviously pleased, "let's go for the gold!"
she said and raised her hand to about 12". I was thinking that there was no
way she was going to suck this down. She gave it a sidelong glance.
"Geez. That's a lot..." She spit on her hands, and worked it onto the
skin at the base of the shaft while she worked my head into her throat. She
needn't have done that, as the drool coming from her painted lips was more
than ample for lubrication. I felt the inches slide into her
throat...2...3...4...5 and then she stopped. She made a couple of short
dives, but no success. I was beginning to have trouble keeping my self from
cumming, watching her trying to cram just one more inch into her throat.
"Oooh, Nancy... I'm gonna cum..." I told her. She nodded and sat back,
so that I would come in her mouth where she could taste it. And cum I did!
I had never seen myself cum with my new tool, and neither had nancy. The
force of the first couple shots filled her mouth quickly. Her eyes got
huges, and she was forced to pull back or drown. Most of the cum dropped
from her mouth and landed on my balls in a warm gooey pile. My cock
continued spewing out semen into Nancy's open mouth. She closed her mouth
to try to catch some of what was falling out, but that only made the semen
splatter across her cheeks and neck. You don't realize how much 7oz of cum
is when it's in a cup. Nancy had to place her hand over my pecker to stop
the semen from plastering her in the face. As it was there was a thick
coating covering her mouth and jaw. Eventually, I stopped ejaculating, and
Nancy relaxed a bit. She looked up at me and we cracked up laughing. She
wiped her face off with her fingers and crammed the cum into her mouth,
then she slurped the mounds of it off of my balls, licking them and my
shaft clean. I almost came again from just her cleaning, and the way she
wiggled her ass in the air, like a puppy dog wagging its tail.
"Well, I'll have to come up with something better to catch the cum." She
said "A normal blowjob isn't enough on YOUR cock." Wasn't enough? It was
glorious!
"Anytime. Nancy. Anytime. That was wonderful." I said. She smiled,
adjusting her skirt and blouse, which was funny, as it was severly
cumstained, and left with a little wave of her finger tips as she carefully
closed the door. It wasn't till then that I realized that the sheet was
off, and my cock was sticking out, and there was nothing I could do about
it, my arms still in slings.....
-=PART III=-
I tried to get covered up, but it was quite difficult without the use of
my arms. I eventually got the sheet more or less over me when I heard the
door open. A blond girl about 13 years old walked in. She smiled blankly at
me.
"Hi, there." I said to her "Should you be in here"
Her eyes closed and she raised her face to the ceiling. When she looked
back, I saw that her eyes were a little glazed.
"There you are" I heard Nancy's voice say. She walks in and grabs the
child's hand. The girl doesn't seem to notice, and alows herself to be lead
away. A moment later, Nancy walks back in. She rushes over.
"What was with the girl?" I asked.
"He's another of the doctor's projects" Nancy said "She gets an orgasm
every 34 seconds from some electronics in her head." Nancy straightened out
my sheet.
"What was she doing here?" I asked.
"I used her as an excuse to be in the halls." She said "I told people I
was taking her for a walk."
"Oh," I said "Do you know when my casts will come off?"
"About another week." She said.
"Good." I said "When will they let me out of this room?"
"I don't know" She said.
"I hope its soon, I can't stand it in here much longer." I said.
"I'll do what I can." She said. The girl had wandered back in.
"I have to go" Nancy said, and took the girl by the hand and lead her
out the door.
I suffered through the nurse taking the sample the next morning. I wish
Nancy was back. This nurse is no fun. She just stands there waiting for the
machine to finish, and then she leaves. Nancy came back that night however.
"Hi. You are scheduled to leave tomorrow" She said.
"Great!" I said.
"Maybe." She said "Remember how I said you had died?"
"Yeah" I said, prompting her.
"Well, your benefactor has decided to take you as her... well, slave I
guess would be the word." She said.
"But..." I said.
"Well, the doctor signed that you were dead." She said "So you no longer
exist. She purchased you, and there is nothing I can do" There was a tear
in her eye.
"Come here" I said and pulled her to me. I kissed her lips, and she
curled up to me.
"I brought something to catch your cum" She said. She held up a bottle.
It was about 6" deep, and had a rubber neck on it that was 4" long.
"Where did you get that?" I asked.
"It's used to catch horse sperm, down in the veterinary clinic" She
said. I wondered again where the hell I was. She rolled over onto me, and
sat down on my cock. It immediately began to swell. She pulled down the
sheet, and adjusted her skirt so that my cock slid up past her waist band
and into her blouse as it grew. I let my cock get to full size before I
stopped. She had to loosen her apron, as it was too tight with my penis in
it. The tip of my cock stuck out of the top of her frock, between her
breasts. She looked down and smiled. She slowly lowered her head and licked
the tip of my head. I could see the outline of my penis from her waist up.
She unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. Her breasts jiggled abound my
cock head. She pressed them to me and moved them up and down, masterbating
me slightly. Then she slid her hips forward. My cock came down until it was
laying on my body, The tip near the center of my sternum. I felt her pussy
lips against the skin on the bottom of my cock. She wasn't wearing panties,
and she was quite wet. She slid all the way up my penis, slowly fucking her
hips as she went. When she got to the tip, she bounced on it a bit, causing
her ass cheeks to form around my shaft. The feeling was exquisite. I was
watching this well formed woman playing with my cock, but she felt like a
young girl to my huge member.
She turned around, and straddled my face. She arranged her skirts so it
was around me like an oxygen tent, Then she lowered her cunt onto me and I
drank of her juices. She stretched out over my body, and cupped my balls
in her hands. Her warm tits were pressed into the middle of my cock, and
she was licking and nipping the base. She wiggled her body, bringing
tingling friction to my cock. She began moaning and making little
squealing noises as I continued on her clit. Her body writhed against my
penis, and she ground her hips into my face. A shudder went through her,
and she threw her head back. She squeezed my balls tightly, and I gasped.
Her hand relaxed, and she rolled off of me, my cock springing back to its
upright position.
"Now for that cum!" she said and slipped the bottle over the head of my
cock. I saw now that there was a valve on the bottom, which she opened. She
squatted and began to rub her cunt on my cock. It was the closest we could
come to fucking with this huge cock.
"Make your head bigger" She said. Bigger? I tried, and the head swelled
another inch, growing larger than the neck of the bottle, plugging it
shut. Her frantic rubbing, and her nails scraping the sides of my cock,
coupled with her looks of lust and her pleas of "Cum for me... Cum..." Soon
had me shooting into the bottle. It jerked on the end of my cock, but my
swollen head kept it in place. Nancy held my cock close to her abdomen,
rubbing her clit against my spasming cock. After several shots, I relaxed,
and saw Nancy close the valve on the bottle.
"Ok, roll over!" She said, as she climbed off of me. I did, and she slid
the bottle off of me. She licked the little bit off of the head of my cock,
now normal sized. She placed the bottle on the IV rack, sat in the chair,
and put her lips to the valve. She opened the valve, and I could see her
throat convulse in deep swallows as she drained the bottle. When she was
done, she looked at me with an expression of ratupre on her face. She wiped
of her lips with the back of her hand.
"Thank you" She said.
"Jesus... Thank you" I told her. We smiled at each other, then she
grabbed the bottle and stood.
"I gotta go before I am discovered here." She said.
"It's a little later for that!" I heard a voice at the door. I was the
Hell Nurse!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Why Is it illegal [in a porn film] for a girl to show half a
nipple the day before her eighteenth birthday, but legal to show
her getting a Jello(tm) enema with a caulking gun the next day?"
question on Alt.sex.movies
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you do decide to get a girl, buy one of the super-cheap ones. The
expensive models are mostly just a basic model with a bunch of gimmicks
added on.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am horney again....
btw, what is the preffered spelling of "horney"
Horny
Hornee
Horney
Hornei
Horni
Whorny
Whornee
Whorney
Whornei
Whorni
bjornie
horn-knee
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just cause you can't see it doesn't mean it's there.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Watch me wack off! Now shove that shampoo bottle up my ASS!
Bring it in and out at a medium pace...." -Dan Pruitt
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm drunk enough to pork you. But then I'm drunk enough to pork you when I
am sober." -Zerby to Mel
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Good things come to those with weight" -Zerb
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"He draws in chicks like flies to a magnet."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It's been a left testicle day..... Never put aftershave on shaven
genitalia.... :~( *:" -Zerb
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Well, that's not so unusual. Look, I used to have a girlfriend, she'd
NEVER let me fuck her up the ass, no matter WHAT I did. I even offered to
pay her. I even offered to take her out to dinner at Burger King. She still
refused." - blond guy in proctological supply company
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Penny: Don't worry. Next time I come up, I'll bring a friend.
Zerby: But *YOU* were supposed to be the friend!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you know how dumb that is on a scale of one to dumb?" -Mr. Adkins
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
mu'Hom 'etlh je ta' law' mu'Hom neH ta' puS
"A soft word and a sword gets more than a soft word alone"
Klingon Proverb
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"'Tis an ill wind that blows no minds."
-- Principia Discordia
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An optomist believes that this is the best of all possible worlds;
a pessimist fears that this is the case.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because
they quit playing--Oliver Wendell Holmes
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A straight line may be the shortest way between two points but it is by
no means the most interesting--The Doctor
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create
the universe--Carl Sagan
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wanna kiss her but(t).......she wont let me.
I wanna whisper sweet nothin's in her (r)ear.
I wanna hold her behind.......closed doors and more.
I wanna kiss her but(t).......she wont let me.
-Song heard in local bar.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
In This Our World ThereIs
1 ThingThatMan ContinuesTo Try ToFindIn
ManyDifferent Forms.Every One HasInHim
A SeperateIdea OfWhatThisIs I HaveFound
In Myself AndOthers AnExisting
UrgeToBe OneOf TheExplorers A PioneerIf
YouWillIn This TheGreatest But Silently
TalkedOf Sport WhatIsThisI Say ASportOf
Lovers Can ItBe? YesItIs
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What?!? Refuse the FELINE?!? You OBVIOUSLY underestimate PUSSY POWER!
Pussy is so warm and wet and pink
It has no arms of legs or ability to think,
Yet kingdoms and wealth are lost every hour on the hour
to that inconcerable force known as PUSSY POWER!"
-Hypatia Lee as FELINE in 'BratGirl' (Vivid Video)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"your cock is like my scratching pole"
-Hypatia Lee as FELINE in 'BratGirl' (Vivid Video)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
RYAN ZERBY-- i.e, His High Holiness Sniffles, ArchHierophant of the
SnowChao Cabal.
*******************************************************************************
As seen on TV:
Dozens of racks of genetically engineered vat-grown
brains sit in a converted office park in Fort Lee, New
Jersey. They float suspended in tanks of oxygenated
fluid and dimly lit leads of fiber optic cables snake out
of them. At home, in Atlanta, Mike Jacobs (age 63) snaps
the fiber optic ribbon cable onto the socket implanted on
the base of his neck. He touches a few rotating animated
controls on his transputer and suddenly he connects.
Mike is instantly forty times smarter - with particular
expertise in the areas of hazardous waste disposal and
old Hollywood westerns. He is paying by the minute but is
experiencing a godlike rush of transcendence, so he
stays on. A drop of spittle soon runs down his face and the
minds in Fort Lee bob in their glass tanks...
A fine idea.
--------------------------------------------
Do you know the commercial where the heavily mustached
old woman in a black shroud drinks strawberry Nestle'
Quik and turns into a buxom bombshell in pasties and
G-string, and she squats down for a second in a mud puddle,
and when she gets up, her buttocks are covered with
leeches, and Jesus appears holding a Barbie, and two
beams of sparkling particles shoot from the eyes of the
Barbie and vaporize the leeches, and the Bombshell gets
on her motorcycle, and pink florets of exhaust spurt
from the tailpipe spelling out the words BE ALL THAT YOU
CAN BE? Try watching that on drugs. It's
un-fucking-believable. -Mark Leyner
*******************************************************************************
Sent from the cyberdeck of: droid@efn.org (Andrew Bernick)
HEY!!! What are you DOING!!! Dont toss that old Computer away!!!
The fun Has only just STARTED!!! GEE Whiz!!!
An obsolete, unused pc, or atari, amiga, and perhaps C64's and TRS-80
color computers, may well be the next generation of retro-tech artform.
Cast in concrete, plaster, foam, paper-mache, plastic, wood or other
wierd semi solid material, a working terminal unit could be rigged up
to run just about ANYWHERE!!! Want to get your friends into CYBERSPACE,
cuz its so damn lonely out there in the cold dark real world? Scatter these
funky artform terminals around places with phone lines. Load them up with #'s
of various assorted BBS's and access points. Make the terminal software user
stupid as pie. Develope GRAPHICAL interfaces for GRAPHIC driven hosts.
Put the terminal packages EVERYWHERE! Old folks homes, day care centers and
coffee shops are for instance here. Inviting the rest of the world to this
wild, wierd and invisible party requires us to provide free rides to new users.
NO TELEPHONE SHOULD BE WITHOUT A FRANKENTERMINAL or equivalent. Dont let
your corner payphone be without one1!
Forging a Head, ...*
*******************************************************************************
THE SPAM THAT TASTED GOOD!
======(a fairy tale)======
[by James "Kibo" Parry. Copyright 1992]
Once upon a time, there was a can of Spam that tasted good. However,
when Fred ate it sixteen years later, it was no longer the same Spam.
It was like eating a bowling ball covered with shag carpet and that
ectoplasm that oozes from raw okra.
Fred wrote a letter of complaint. In response, they sent him two
free cans of Spam. The first tasted like quinine tofu, and the second
tasted like Lutefisk Whiz with extra carbonation. He wrote to complain
about the two cans and they sent him four. Etc.
Ten tries later, he was up to 4096 cans, and all of them tasted
unique. It's too bad that the can that tasted good was gone forever.
-- K.
*******************************************************************************
Truisms, 1977-1979
A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE CAN GO A LONG WAY
A LOT OF PROFESSIONALS ARE CRACKPOTS
A MAN CAN'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A MOTHER
A NAME MEANS A LOT JUST BY ITSELF
A POSITIVE ATTITUDE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD
A RELAXED MAN IS NOT NECESSARILY A BETTER MAN
A SENSE A TIMING IS THE MARK OF GENIUS
A SINCERE EFFORT IS ALL YOU CAN ASK
A SINGLE EVENT CAN HAVE INFINITELY MANY INTERPRETATIONS
A SOLID HOME BASE BUILDS A SENSE OF SELF
A STRONG SENSE OF DUTY IMPRISONS YOU
ABSOLUTE SUBMISSION CAN BE A FORM OF FREEDOM
ABSTRACTION IS A TYPE OF DECADENCE
ABUSE OF POWER COMES AS NO SURPRISE
ACTION CAUSES MORE TROUBLE THAN THOUGHT
ALIENATION PRODUCES ECCENTRICS OR REVOLUTIONARIES
ALL THINGS ARE DELICATELY INTERCONNECTED
AMBITION IS JUST AS DANGEROUS AS COMPLACENCY
AMBIVALENCE CAN RUIN YOUR LIFE
AN ELITE IS INEVITABLE
ANGER OR HATE CAN BE A USEFUL MOTIVATING FORCE
ANIMALISM IS PERFECTLY HEALTHY
ANY SURPLUS IS IMMORAL
ANYTHING IS A LEGITIMATE AREA OF INVESTIGATION
ARTIFICIAL DESIRES ARE DESPOILING THE EARTH
AT TIMES INACTIVITY IS PREFERABLE TO MINDLESS FUNCTIONING
AT TIMES YOUR UNCONSCIOUS IS TRUER THAN YOUR CONSCIOUS MIND
AUTOMATION IS DEADLY
AWFUL PUNISHMENT AWAITS REALLY BAD PEOPLE
BAD INTENTIONS CAN YIELD GOOD RESULTS
BEING ALONE WITH YOURSELF IS INCREASINGLY UNPOPULAR
BEING HAPPY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING ELSE
BEING HONEST IS NOT ALWAYS THE KINDEST WAY
BEING JUDGMENTAL IS A SIGN OF LIFE
BEING SURE OF YOURSELF MEANS YOU'RE A FOOL
BELIEVING IN REBIRTH IS THE SAME AS ADMITTING DEFEAT
BOREDOM MAKES YOU DO CRAZY THINGS
CALM IS MORE CONDUCIVE TO CREATIVITY THAN IS ANXIETY
CATEGORIZING FEAR IS CALMING
CHANGE IS VALUABLE WHEN THE OPPRESSED BECOME TYRANTS
CHASING THE NEW IS DANGEROUS TO SOCIETY
CHILDREN ARE THE CRUELEST OF ALL
CHILDREN ARE THE HOPE OF THE FUTURE
CLASS ACTION IS A NICE IDEA WITH NO SUBSTANCE
CLASS STRUCTURE IS AS ARTIFICIAL AS PLASTIC
CONFUSING YOURSELF IS A WAY TO STAY HONEST
CRIME AGAINST PROPERTY IS RELATIVELY UNIMPORTANT
DECADENCE CAN BE AN END IT ITSELF
DECENCY IS A RELATIVE THING
DEPENDENCE CAN BE A MEAL TICKET
DESCRIPTION IS MORE VALUABLE THAN METAPHOR
DEVIANTS ARE SACRIFICED TO INCREASE GROUP SOLIDARITY
DISGUST IS THE APPROPRIATE RESPONSE TO MOST SITUATIONS
DISORGANIZATION IS A KIND OF ANESTHESIA
DON'T PLACE TOO MICH TRUST IN EXPERTS
DON'T RUN PEOPLE'S LIVES FOR THEM
DRAMA OFTEN OBSCURES THE REAL ISSUES
DREAMING WHILE AWAKE IS A FRIGHTENING CONTRADICTION
DYING AND COMING BACK GIVES YOU CONSIDERABLE PERSPECTIVE
DYING SHOULD BE EASY AS FALLING OFF A LOG
EATING TOO MUCH IS CRIMINAL
ELABORATION IS A FORM OF POLLUTION
EMOTIONAL RESPONSES ARE AS VALUABLE AS INTELLECTUAL RESPONSES
ENJOY YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING ANYWAY
ENSURE THAT YOUR LIFE STAYS IS FLUX
EVEN YOUR FAMILY CAN BETRAY YOU
EVERY ACHIEVEMENT REQUIRES A SACRIFICE
EVERYONE'S WORK IS EQUALLY IMPORTANT
EVERYTHING THAT'S INTERESTING IS NEW
EXCEPTIONAL PEOPLE DESERVE SPECIAL CONCESSIONS
EXPIRING FOR LOVE IS BEAUTIFUL BUT STUPID
EXPRESSING ANGER IS NECESSARY
EXTREME BEHAVIOR HAS ITS BASIS IN PATHOLOGICAL PSYCHOLOGY
EXTREME SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS LEADS TO PERVERSION
FAITHFULNESS IS A SOCIAL NOT A BIOLOGICAL LAW
FAKE OR REAL INDIFFERENCE IS A POWERFUL PERSONAL WEAPON
FATHERS OFTEN USE TOO MUCH FORCE
FEAR IS THE GREATEST INCAPACITATOR
FREEDOM IS A LUXURY NOT A NECESSITY
GIVING FREE REIN TO YOUR EMOTIONS IS AN HONEST WAY TO LIVE
GO ALL OUT IN ROMANCE AND LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY
GOING WITH THE FLOW IS SOOTHING BUT RISKY
GOOD DEEDS EVENTUALLY ARE REWARDED
GOVERNMENT IS A BURDEN ON THE PEOPLE
GRASS ROOTS AGITATION IS THE ONLY HOPE
GUILT AND SELF-LACERATION ARE INDULGENCES
HABITUAL CONTEMPT DOESN'T REFLECT A FINER SENSIBILITY
HIDING YOUR MOTIVES IS DESPICABLE
HOLDING BACK PROTECTS YOUR VITAL ENERGIES
HUMANISM IS OBSOLETE
HUMOR IS A RELEASE
IDEALS ARE REPLACED BY CONVENTIONAL GOALS AT A CERTAIN AGE
IF YOU AREN'T POLITICAL YOUR PERSONAL LIFE SHOULD BE EXEMPLARY
IF YOU CAN'T LEAVE YOUR MARK GIVE UP
IF YOU HAVE MANY DESIRES LIFE WILL BE INTERESTING
IF YOU LIVE SIMPLY THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
IGNORING ENEMIES IS THE BEST WAY TO FIGHT
ILLNESS IS A STATE OF MIND
IMPOSING ORDER IS MAN'S VOCATION FOR CHAOS IS HELL
IN SOME INSTANCES IT'S BETTER TO DIE THAN TO CONTINUE
INHERITANCE MUST BE ABOLISHED
IT CAN BE HELPFUL TO KEEP GOING NO MATTER WHAT
IT IS HEROIC TO TRY TO STOP TIME
IT IS MAN'S FATE TO OUTSMART HIMSELF
IT'S A GIFT TO THE WORLD NOT TO HAVE BABIES
IT'S BETTER TO BE A GOOD PERSON THAN A FAMOUS PERSON
IT'S BETTER TO BE LONELY THAN TO BE WITH INFERIOR PEOPLE
IT'S BETTER TO BE NAIVE THAN JADED
IT'S BETTER TO STUDY THE LIVING FACT THAN TO ANALYZE HISTORY
IT'S CRUCIAL TO HAVE AN ACTIVE FANTASY LIFE
IT'S GOOD TO GIVE EXTRA MONEY TO CHARITY
IT'S IMPORTANT TO STAY CLEAN ON ALL LEVELS
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO RECONCILE YOUR HEART AND HEAD
IT'S JUST AN ACCIDENT YOUR PARENTS ARE YOUR PARENTS
IT'S NOT GOOD TO HOLD TOO MANY ABSOLUTES
IT'S NOT GOOD TO OPERATE ON CREDIT
IT'S VITAL TO LIVE IN HARMONY WITH NATURE
JUST BELIEVING SOMETHING CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN
KEEP SOMETHING IN RESERVE FOR EMERGENCIES
KILLING IS UNAVOIDABLE BUT IS NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF
KNOWING YOURSELF LETS YOU UNDERSTAND OTHERS
KNOWLEDGE SHOULD BE ADVANCED AT ALL COSTS
LABOR IS A LIFE-DESTROYING ACTIVITY
LACK OF CHARISMA CAN BE FATAL
LEARN THINGS FROM THE GROUND UP
LEARN TO TRUST YOUR OWN EYES
LEISURE TIME IS A GIGANTIC SMOKESCREEN
LETTING GO IS THE HARDEST THING TO DO
LISTEN WHEN YOUR BODY TALKS
LOOKING BACK IS THE FIRST SIGN OF AGING AND DECAY
LOVING ANIMALS IS A SUBSTITUTE ACTIVITY
LOW EXPECTATIONS ARE GOOD PROTECTION
MANUAL LABOR CAN BE REFRESHING AND WHOLESOME
MEN ARE NOT MONOGAMOUS BY NATURE
MODERATION KILLS THE SPIRIT
MONEY CREATES TASTE
MONOMANIA IS A PREREQUISITE OF SUCCESS
MORALS ARE FOR LITTLE PEOPLE
MOST PEOPLE ARE NOT FIT TO RULE THEMSELVES
MOSTLY YOU SHOULD MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS
MOTHERS SHOULDN'T MAKE TOO MANY SACRIFICES
MUCH WAS DECIDED BEFORE YOU WERE BORN
MURDER HAS ITS SEXUAL SIDE
MYTHS MAKE REALITY MORE INTELLIGIBLE
NOISE CAN BE HOSTILE
NOTHING UPSETS THE BALANCE OF GOOD AND EVIL
OCCASIONALLY PRINCIPLES ARE MORE VALUABLE THAN PEOPLE
OFFER VERY LITTLE INFORMATION ABOUT YOURSELF
OFTEN YOU SHOULD ACT LIKE YOU ARE SEXLESS
OLD FRIENDS ARE BETTER LEFT IN THE PAST
OPACITY IS AN IRRESISTIBLE CHALLENGE
PAIN CAN BE A VERY POSITIVE THING
PEOPLE ARE BORING UNLESS THEY'RE EXTREMISTS
PEOPLE ARE NUTS IF THEY THINK THEY ARE IMPORTANT
PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT THEY DO UNLESS THEY'RE INSANE
PEOPLE WHO DON'T WORK WITH THEIR HANDS ARE PARASITES
PEOPLE WHO GO CRAZY ARE TOO SENSITIVE
PEOPLE WON'T BEHAVE IF THEY HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE
PHYSICAL CULTURE IS SECOND-BEST
PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE IS ESCAPISM
PLAYING IT SAFE CAN CAUSE A LOT OF DAMAGE IN THE LONG RUN
POLITICS IS USED FOR PERSONAL GAIN
POTENTIAL COUNTS FOR NOTHING UNTIL IT'S REALIZED
PRESENTATION IS AS IMPORTANT AS CONTENT
PRIVATE PROPERTY CREATED CRIME
PURSUING PLEASURE FOR THE SAKE OF PLEASURE WILL RUIN YOU
PUSH YOURSELF TO THE LIMIT AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE
RAISE BOYS AND GIRLS THE SAME WAY
RANDOM MATING IS GOOD FOR DEBUNKING SEX MYTHS
RECHANNELING DESTRUCTIVE IMPULSES IS A SIGN OF MATURITY
RECLUSES ALWAYS GET WEAK
REDISTRIBUTING WEALTH IS IMPERATIVE
RELATIVITY IS NO BOON TO MANKIND
RELIGION CAUSES AS MANY PROBLEMS AS IT SOLVES
REMEMBER YOU ALWAYS HAVE FREEDOM OF CHOICE
REPETITION IS THE BEST WAY TO LEARN
RESOLUTIONS SERVE TO EASE YOUR CONSCIENCE
REVOLUTION BEGINS WITH CHANGES IN THE INDIVIDUAL
ROMANTIC LOVE WAS INVENTED TO MANIPULATE WOMEN
ROUTINE IS A LINK WITH THE PAST
ROUTINE SMALL EXCESSES ARE WORSE THAN THE OCCASIONAL DEBAUCH
SACRIFICING YOURSELF FOR A BAD CAUSE IS NOT A MORAL ACT
SALVATION CAN'T BE BOUGHT AND SOLD
SELF-AWARENESS CAN BE CRIPPLING
SELF-CONTEMPT CAN DO MORE HARM THAN GOOD
SELFISHNESS IS THE MOST BASIC MOTIVATION
SELFLESSNESS IS THE HIGHEST ACHIEVEMENT
SEPARATISM IS THE WAY TO A NEW BEGINNING
SEX DIFFERENCES ARE HERE TO STAY
SIN IS A MEANS OF SOCIAL CONTROL
SLIPPING INTO MADNESS IS GOOD FOR THE SAKE OF COMPARISON
SLOPPY THINKING GETS WORSE OVER TIME
SOLITUDE IS ENRICHING
SOME STONES ARE BETTER LEFT UNTURNED
SOME WOUNDS NEVER HEAL
SOMETIMES ALL YOU CAN DO IS LOOK THE OTHER WAY
SOMETIMES SCIENCE ADVANCES FASTER THAN IT SHOULD
SOMETIMES THINGS SEEM TO HAPPEN OF THEIR OWN ACCORD
SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME ON SELF-IMPROVEMENT IS ANTISOCIAL
STARVATION IS NATURE'S WAY
STASIS IS A DREAM STATE
STERILIZATION IS A WEAPON OF THE RULERS
STRONG EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT STEMS FROM BASIC INSECURITY
STUPID PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BREED
SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST APPLIES TO MEN AND ANIMALS
SYMBOLS ARE MORE MEANINGFUL THAN THINGS THEMSELVES
TAKING A STRONG STAND PUBLICIZES THE OPPOSITE POSITION
TALKING IS USED TO HIDE ONE'S INABILITY TO ACT
TEASING PEOPLE SEXUALLY CAN HAVE UGLY CONSEQUENCES
TECHNOLOGY WILL MAKE OR BREAK US
THE CRUELEST DISAPPOINTMENT IS WHEN YOU LET YOURSELF DOWN
THE DESIRE TO REPRODUCE IS A DEATH WISH
THE FAMILY IS LIVING ON BORROWED TIME
THE IDEA OF REVOLUTION IS AN ADOLESCENT FANTASY
THE IDEA OF TRANSCENDENCE IS USED TO OBSCURE OPPRESSION
THE IDIOSYNCRATIC HAS LOST ITS AUTHORITY
THE LAND BELONGS TO NO ONE
THE MORE YOU KNOW THE BETTER OFF YOU ARE
THE MOST PROFOUND THINGS ARE INEXPRESSIBLE
THE MUNDANE IS TO BE CHERISHED
THE NEW IS NOTHING BUT A RESTATEMENT OF THE OLD
THE ONLY WAY TO BE PURE IS TO STAY BY YOURSELF
THE SUM OF YOUR ACTIONS DETERMINES WHAT YOU ARE
THE UNATTAINABLE INVARIABLY IS ATTRACTIVE
THE WORLD OPERATES ACCORDING TO DISCOVERABLE LAWS
THERE ARE TOO FEW IMMUTABLE TRUTHS TODAY
THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN INFORMATION AND PROPAGANDA
THERE'S NO SENSE BEING ANYWHERE BUT THE TOP OF THE HEAP
THERE'S NOTHING EXCEPT WHAT YOU SENSE
THERE'S NOTHING REDEEMING IN TOIL
THINKING TOO MUCH CAN ONLY CAUSE PROBLEMS
THREATENING SOMEONE SEXUALLY IS A HORRIBLE ACT
TIMIDITY IS LAUGHABLE
TO DISAGREE PRESUPPOSES MORAL INTEGRITY
TO VOLUNTEER IS REACTIONARY
TORTURE IS BARBARIC
TRADING A LIFE FOR A LIFE IS FAIR ENOUGH
TRUE FREEDOM IS FRIGHTFUL
UNIQUE THINGS MUST BE THE MOST VALUABLE
UNQUESTIONING LOVE DEMONSTRATES LARGESSE OF SPIRIT
USING FORCE TO STOP FORCE IS ABSURD
VIOLENCE IS PERMISSIBLE EVEN DESIRABLE OCCASIONALLY
WAR IS A PURIFICATION RITE
WE MUST MAKE SACRIFICES TO MAINTAIN OUR QUALITY OF LIFE
WHEN SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS PEOPLE WAKE UP
WISHING THINGS AWAY IS NOT EFFECTIVE
WITH PERSEVERANCE YOU CAN DISCOVER ANY TRUTH
WORDS TEND TO BE INADEQUATE
WORRYING CAN HELP YOU PREPARE
YOU ARE A VICTIM OF THE RULES YOU LIVE BY
YOU ARE GUILELESS IN YOUR DREAMS
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR CONSTITUTING THE MEANING OF THINGS
YOU ARE THE PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE
YOU CAN LIVE ON THROUGH YOUR DESCENDANTS
YOU CAN NEVER OUTRUN YOURSELF
YOU CAN PULL YOURSELF OUT OF ANY HOLE
YOU CAN'T EXPECT PEOPLE TO BE SOMETHING THEY'RE NOT
YOU CAN'T FOOL OTHERS IF YOU'RE FOOLING YOURSELF
YOU DIG YOU OWN GRAVE
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WHAT UNTIL YOU SUPPORT YOURSELF
YOU GET THE FACE YOU DESERVE
YOU HAVE TO HURT OTHERS TO BE EXTRAORDINARY
YOU MUST BE INTIMATE WITH A TOKEN FEW
YOU MUST DISAGREE WITH AUTHORITY FIGURES
YOU MUST HAVE ONE GRAND PASSION
YOU MUST KNOW WHERE YOU STOP AND THE WORLD BEGINS
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT PEOPLE REALLY THINK ABOUT YOU
YOU ONLY CAN UNDERSTAND SOMEONE OF YOUR OWN SEX
YOU OWE THE WORLD NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND
YOU SHOULD TRAVEL LIGHT
YOU SHOULD STUDY AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
YOUR ACTIONS ARE POINTLESS IF NO ONE NOTICES
YOUR OLDEST FEARS ARE THE WORST ONES
*******************************************************************************
Quotes from the Bumper Sticker Book by Michael and Dawn Reilly
==============================================================
My karma ran over your dogma.
Welcome to Texas, now go home.
i is a collage studunt.
Sex on television can't hurt unless you fall off.
Beer isn't just for breakfast anymore.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Eschew obfuscation
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
It's been lovely, but i have to scream now.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Others:
I brake for no apparent reason.
My kid beats up your honor student.
My kid sells drugs to your honor student.
Ask me about killing cats for fun and profit!
*******************************************************************************
Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to
an article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode
into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly,
which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course
is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a
warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are
and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy
was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came
from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg.
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For
those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear.
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave
the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could
be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost
cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case,
the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the
event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I
would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza
truck that came my way."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
PICK-UP LINES MASTER LIST
1. That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed!
2. Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
3. Drop 'em!!!
4. What do you like for breakfast?
5. Hi there! I'm interested in having breakfast with you. Can I call you or
nudge you?
6. Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
8. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first
thing that pops up?
9. I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said:
Smile if you want to sleep with me
then watch the victim try to hold back their smile!
9.5. Evil has cards that say: Here I am, madly in love with you, on the verge
of killing myself for your love and I don't even
know your NAME__________ PHONE________
10. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
11. At the office copy machine:
Reproducing, eh? Can I help?
12. Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
13. Would you like to see my boa constrictor?
14. I'm drunk.
15. Would you like to come party in my toolshed?
16. You look more beautiful than Nurse Chapel.
17. Miss, if you lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
18. I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels...Now!
19. I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting...
Let's meet sometime.
20. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
21. She: (to passing man) Excuse me, do you have the time?
He: Do you have the energy?
22. What is your favorite position on extramarital sex?
23. No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
24. Will you marry me and have my children?
25. If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.
26. I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in
black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice back rub. Are
the straps too tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic.
27. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak
heart.
28. Bond. James Bond.
29. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.
30. It's absolutely pure Bolivian. And don't *give* it away.
31. You know, I'd really like to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone
beat me to it.
32. Excuse me, do you live around here often?
33. Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind sharing a cab home
together?
34. You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book...
35. Hey babe--do you know I'm on the Harvard mailing list?
36. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
37. You have the ass of a great artist.
38. Follow these instructions:
1.Make sure that you are in front of the person who you are trying to
attract.
2.Put your hands in a vertical plane and seperate your hands to the proper
distance you want to get across.
3.Look at the person of your affections with a shit eating-ear to ear
grin. Shake your head up and down as to reply that you're this BIG!
39. To someone who just got out of the shower.
Excuse me, can I barrow your towel?
40. Her: What do you think of my this (dress, sweater, article of clothing)?
Him: I like nothing better.
41. Go up to someone and ask them "Are you ready to go home now?"
42. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
43. That's a nice dress - could I talk you out of it?
44. If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold -IT- against me?
45. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs.
46. I love you.
47. I want to marry you.
48. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologis.
49. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like gatorade.
50. I've got an itch. Lower, lower.
51. If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.
52. Want to come see my Hard Drive? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't
floppy.
53. I'm on fire. Can I run thru your sprinkler?
54. I'd look good on you.
55. Didn't anyone tell you that you want to sleep with me?? I thought you knew!
56. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
57. Cold out , isn't it? (Look at breasts).
58. I would kill or die to make love to you.
59. I would die happy if I saw you naked just once.
60. I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data. What are your
measurements?
61. Top Ten Elf (Paul C.) Pick-up Lines:
1. I'm down here!
2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
3. I was a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi.
4. I can get you off the naughty list. (this one should get Mel)
5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
6. I'm a magical being. Take off you bra.
7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks that over
at Keebler.
8. I get a thimbelful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.
9. You'ld look great in a raggedy Ann wig.
10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners.
62. Sex is a killer, so die happy.
63. I love every bone in your body. Especially mine.
64. I only have three months to live.
65. Chicks dig me. I wear colored underwear.
66. I'm a co. Pilot for American Airlines.
67. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
68. Excuse me..do you have change for $100 bill?
69. Hi, can I buy you a car?
70. My face is leaving in 5 min. Be on it.
71. May I please rest my head on you shoulder?
72. Do you know how to use one of these? (A vibrator)
73. Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Female impersonator.
{This is if you want to get ride of a man!!!}
74. You've got the whitest teeth I've ever "come" across...
75. You make my softwear turn to hardwear!
76. Ask her do you want to fuck or do I owe you an apology. If she smacks
you then apologize.
77. Here's one to try: I'd drag my dick over a mile of broken glass just
to hear you fart over a walkie-talkie (You can change this to your car
phone this is the nineties after all).
78. Let's play circus......You sit on my face and I guess your weight.
79. You wanna play battleship attack??? I lay down and you blow the hell
out of me.
80. Can I felch you??????
81. How about a hummer?????
82. Wanna Squick????
83. I'd eat a mile of your shit just to see where it came from.
84. Let's lock crotches and swap gravy.
85. "Is that cheese?" -Nick Schutt
86. "Hey baby, what's your inverse hyperbolic cosecant?"
87. "I love your hair; can I have it?"
88. "You look cold." -Nate
89. "I wanna clutter up your butter gutter." -Malcolm
90. "I'm a Republican."
91. "Hi there, I am pathetic and want to know your name for no apparant
reason." -Zerb
92. "I think you are suffering stress from this overly biases categorizing
world of forceful willed unintelligible babbling fools... Wan'a fuck?"
-Mikey
(I need more of these people)
NOTE: Ladies, if any of these will work on you drop me some email with your
name, phone number, and the number of the pickup line.
*******************************************************************************
Children's games for Devil Worshipers:
"Satan says touch your toes!"
"Satan says take two steps forward..."
"Kill your parents!" (looooong pause)
"WOOOOPS! I didn't say 'Satan Says'!"
*******************************************************************************
GOD: I am your creator, to be addressed as God, or Lord.
ADAM: Whatever you say Mr. Orlord.
GOD: Now I want you to stand up, walk around a bit
ADAM: Hey! My walkers work pretty good.
GOD: Those are called legs
ADAM: Legs huh? well how come one of them is so short?
GOD: Thats not a leg Adam.
*******************************************************************************
Here's a cool disclaimer from someone's .sig:
The views and/or opinions expressed in this post do not necessarily accurately
reflect those of Miami University, the State of Ohio, the United States of
America, my friends, my enemies, my roommate, my girlfriend, my boyfriend, the
little girl I waved to yesterday on the bus, the pizza delivery guy I stiffed
the other night, or even of myself. They do, however, reflect those of the
person I saw scratching himself last summer in Dayton. So there.
From: japfaff@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu (Steamed Rhubarb Fondue)
*******************************************************************************
PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA
* or *
How I Found Goddess
And What I Did To Her
When I Found Her
THE MAGNUM OPIATE OF MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER
Wherein Is Explained
Absolutely Everything Worth Knowing
About Absolutely Anything
Pubished By:
LOOMPANICS UNLIMITED
PO BOX 1197
Port Townsend, WA 98368
$5.00(cheap)
Catalogs:$2.00
Transcribed to 1's and 0's by Druel the Chaotic, WPI Discordian Society
Cabal of the Unemployed
mpython@wpi.wpi.edu
mpython@*.gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INTRODUCTION
You hold in your hands one the Great Books of our century fnord.
Some Great Books are recognized at once with a fusilade of critical
huzzahs and gonfolons, like Joyce's ULYSSES. Others appear almost furtively
and are only discovered 50 years later, like MOBY DICK or Mendel's great
essay on genetics. The PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA entered our space-time continuum
almost as unobtrusively as a cat-burglar creeping over a windowsill.
In 1968, virtually nobody had heard of this wonderful book. In
1970,hundreds of people coast to coast were talking about it and asking the
identity of the mysterious author, Malaclypse the Younger. Rumors swept
across the continent, from New York to Los Angeles, from Seattle to St.
Joe. Malaclypse was actually Alan Watts,one heard. No,said another legend
-- the PRINCIPIA was actually the work of the Sufi Order. A third, very
intriguing myth held that Malaclypse was a pen-name for Richard M. Nixon,
who had allegedly composed the PRINCIPIA during a few moments of lucidity.
I enjoyed each of these yards and did my part to help spread them. I was
also careful never to contradict the occasional rumors that I had actually
written the whole thing myself during an acid trip.
The legendry, the mystery, the cult grew slowly. By the mid-1970's,
thousands of people, some as far off as Hong Kong and Australia, were
talking about the PRINCIPIA, and since the original was out of print by
then, xerox copies were beginning to circulate here and there.
When the ILLUMINATUS trilogy appeared in 1975, my co-author, Bob
Shea, and I bothy received hundreds of letters from people intrigued by the
quotes from the PRINCIPIA with which we had decorated the heads of several
chapters. Many, who had already heard of the PRINCIPIA or seen copies,
asked if Shea and I had written it, or if we had copies availible. Others
wrote to ask if it were real, or just something we had invented the way
H.P> Lovecraft invented the NECRONOMICON. We answered according to our
moods, sometimes telling the truth, sometimes spreading the most Godawful
lies and myths we could devise fnord.
Why not? We felt that this book was a true Classic (literatus
immortalis) and, since the alleged intelligentsia had not yet
discovered it, the best way to keep its legend alive was to encourage
the mythology and the controversy about it. Increasingly, people wrote
to ask me if Timothy Leary had written it, and I almost always told
them he had, except on Fridays whem I am more whimsical, in which case
I told them it had been transmitted by a canine intellgence --
vast,cool,and unsympathic -- from the Dog Star, Sirius.
Now, at last, the truth can be told.
Actually, the PRINCIPIA is the work of a time-travelling
anthropologist from the 23rd Century. He is currently passing among us
as a computer specialist, bon vivant and philosopher named Gregory
Hill. He has also translated several volumes of Etruscan erotic
poetry, under another pen-name, and in the 18th Century was the
mysterious Man in Black who gave Jefferson the design for the Great
Seal of the United States.
I have it on good authority that he is one of the most
accomplished time-travelers in the galaxy and has visited Earth many
times int he past,using such cover-identities as Zeno of Elias,
Emperor Norton, Count Cagliostro, Guilliame of Aquaitaine, etc.
Whenever I question him about this, he grows very evasive and attempts
to persuade me that he is actually just another 20th Century Earthman
and that all my ideas about his extraterrrestrial and extratemporal
origin and delusions. Hah! I am not that easily deceived. After all, a
time-travelling anthropologist would say just that, so that he could
observe us without his presense causing cultureshock.
I understand that he has consented to write an Afterward to
this edition. He'll probably contradict everything I've told you, but
don't believe a word he says fnord. He is a master of the deadpan
put-on, the plausible satire, the philosophical leg-pull and all the
branches of guerilla ontology.
For full benefit to the Head, this book should be read in
conjunction with THE ILLUMINOIDS by Neal Wilgus (Sun Press,
Albuquerque, NM) and ZEN WITHOUT ZEN MASTERS by Camden Benares (And/Or
Press, Berkeley, California). "We are operating on many levels here",
as Ken Kesey used to say.
In conclusion, there is no conclusion. Things go on as they
always have, getting weirder all the time.
Hail Eris. All hail Discordia. Fnord?
-Robert Anton Wilson
International Arms and Hashish Inc.
Darra Bazar, Kohat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A jug of wine,
A leg of lamb
And thou!
Beside me,
Whistling in
the darkness.
Be Ye Not Lost Among Precepts of Order...
- The Book of Uterus 1;5
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some excerpts from an interview with Malaclypse the Younger by THE
GREATER METROPOLITAN YORBA LINDA HERALD-NEWS-SUN-TRIBUNE-JOURNAL-DISPATCH-POST
AND SAN FRANCISCO DISCORDIAN SOCIETY CABAL BULLETIN AND INTERGALACTIC REPORT &
POPE POOP.
GREATER POOP:Are you really serious or what?
MAL-2: Sometimes I take humor seriously. Sometimes I take seriousness
humorously. Either way it is irrelevant.
GP: Maybe you are just crazy.
M2: Indeed! But do not reject these teaching as false because I am crazy. The
reason that I am crazy is because they are true.
GP: Is Eris true?
M2: Everything is true.
GP: Even false things?
M2: Even false things are true.
GP: How can that be?
M2: I don't know man, I didn't do it.
GP: Why do you deal with so many negatives?
M2: To dissolve them.
GP: Will you develop that point?
M2: No.
GP: Is there an essential meaning behind POEE?
M2: There is a Zen Story about a student who asked a Master to explain the
meaning of Buddhism. The Master's reply was "Three pounds of flax."
GP: Is that the answer to my question?
M2: No, of course not. That is just illustrative. The answer to your question
is FIVE TONS OF FLAX!
SUSPENDED ANNIHILATION
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ODD# II/2,xii;68Chs3136
Principia Discordia
or
How I Found Goddess & What I Did To Her
When I found Her
being a Beginning Introduction to
The Erisian Mysterees
Which is Most Interesting
->Fnord, Fnord, Fnord, Fnord, Fnord, Fnord, Fnord, Fnord, Fnord, Fnord,
Fnord, Fnord, Fnord, Fnord, Fnord, Fnord, Fnord, Fnord, Fnord, Fnord, Fnord
Momomoto, Famous Japanese, can swallow his nose.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
St. Trinian's
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL POLICE
Sewing Circle
THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE ERISTOCRACY
by Lord Omar
VERSE
Mine brain has meditated on the spinning of The Chao;
It is hovering o'er the table where the Chiefs of Staff are now
Gathered in discussion of the dropping of The Bomb;
Her Apple Corps is strong!
CHORUS
Grand (and gory) Old Discordja!
Grand (and gory) Old Discordja!
Grand (and gory) Old Discordja!
Her Apple Corps is strong!
VERSE
She was not invited to the party that they held on Limbo Peak;*
So She threw a Golden Apple, 'dted of turn'd t'other cheek!
O it cracked the Holy Punchbowl and it made the nectar leak;
Her Apple Corps is strong!
* "Limbo Peak" refers to Old Limbo Peak, commonly called by the Greeks
"Ol' Limb' Peak."
If a quixotic socrates studied zen under Zorba...?
"The tide is turning... the enemy is suffering terrible losses"
-Gen. Geo. A. Custer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People in a Position to Know, Inc.
ON PRAYER
Mal-2 was once asked by one of his Disciples if he often prayed to Eris. He
replied with these words:
No, we Erisians seldom pray, it is much too dangerous. Charles Fort has
listed many factual incidences of ignorant people confronted with, say, a
drought, and then praying fervently -- and then getting the entire village
wiped out in a torrential flood.
"Of course I'm crazy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. I'm mad but not ill"
(Werewolf Bridge, Robert Anton Wison)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14. Wipe thine ass with what is written and grin like a ninny at what is
Spoken. Take thine refuge with thine wine in the Nothing behind Everything,
as you hurry along the Path.
THE PURPLE SAGE
HBT; The Book of Predictions, Chap. 19
Heaven is down. Hell is up.
This is proven by the fact
that the planets and stars
are orderly in their
movements, IGNOTUM PER IGNOTIUS
while down on earth The meaning of this is unknown
we come close to the
primal chaos.
There are four other
proofs,
but I forget them.
-Josh the Dill
King Kong Kabal
IT IS MY FIRM BELIEF THAT IT IS A MISTAKE
TO HOLD FIRM BELIEFS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Classical Greeks were not influenced by the Classical Greeks.
DO NOT CIRCULATE!
What We Know About ERIS (not much)
The Romans left a likeness of Her for posterity-- She was shown as a grotesque
woman with a pale and ghastly look, Her eyes afire, Her garment ripped and
torn, and women look pale and ghastly when concealing a chilly dagger in their
bosoms.
Her geneology is from the Greeks and is utterly confused. Either She was the
twin of Ares and the daughter of Zeus and Hera; or She was the daughter of
Nyx, goddess of night (who was either the daughter or wife of Chaos, or both),
and Nyx's brother, Erebus, and whose brothers and sisters include Death, Doom,
Mockery, and Friendship. And that She begat Forgetfullness, Quarrels, Lies,
and a bunch of gods and goddesses like that.
One day Mal-2 consulted his Pineal Gland* and asked Eris if She really created
all of those terrible things. She told him that She had always liked the Old
Greeks, but that they cannot be trusted with historic matters. "They were,"
She added, "victims of indigestion, you know."
Suffice it to say that Eris is not hateful or malicious. But She is
mischievous, and does get a little bitchy at times.
*THE PINEAL GLAND is where each and every one of us can talk to Eris. If you
have trouble activating your Pineal, then try the appendix which does almost
as well. Reference: DOGMA I, METAPHYSICS #3, "The Indoctrine of the Pineal
Gland"
DIRUIT AEDIFICAT MUTAT QUADRATA ROTUNDUS
-Horace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE INSIDE STORY!
The Law of Fives
the Law of Fives is one of the oldest Erisian Mysterees. It was first
revealed to Good Lord Omar and is one of the great contributions to come from
The Hidden Temple of The Happy Jesus.
POEE suscribes to the Law of Fives of Omar's sect. And POEE also
recognizes the holy 23 (2+3=5) that is incorporated by Episkopos Dr. Mordecai
Malignatus, KNS, into his Discordian sect, The Ancient Illuminated Seers of
Bavaria.
The Law of Fives states simply that: ALL THINGS HAPPEN IN FIVES, OR
ARE DIVISIBLE BY OR ARE MULTIPLES OF FIVE, OR ARE SOMEHOW DIRECTLY OR
INDIRECTLY APPROPRIATE TO 5.
The Law of Fives is never wrong.
In the Erisian Archives is an old memo from Omar to Mal-2: "I find the
Law of Fives to be more and more manifest the harder I look."
Please do not use this
document as toilet tissue
The Nagas of Upper Burma say that the sun
shines by day because, being a woman, it
is afraid to venture out at night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You will find that the State is the kind of ORGANIZATION which, though it
does big things badly, does small things badly too."
- John Kenneth Galbraith
THE MYTH OF THE APPLE OF DISCORD
It seems that Zeus was preparing a wedding banquet for Peleus and
Thetis and did not want to invite Eris because of Her reputation as a
trouble maker.*
This made Eris angry, and so She fashioned an apple of pure gold**
and inscribed upon it KALLISTI ("To The Prettiest One") and on the day of
the fete She rolled it into the banquet hall and then left to be alone and
joyously partake of a hot dog.
Now, three of the invited goddesses,*** Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite,
each immediately claimed it to belong to herself because of the inscription.
And they started fighting, and they started throwing punch all over the
place and everything.
Finally Zeus calmed things down and declared that an arbitrator must
be selected, which was a reasonable suggestion, and all agreed. He sent them
to a shepherd of Troy, whose name was Paris because his mother had had a lot
of gaul and had married a Frenchman; but each of the sneaky goddesses tried
to outwit the others by going early and offering a bribe to Paris.
Athena offered him Heroic War Victories, Hera offered him Great
Wealth, and Aphrodite offered him the Most Beautiful Woman on Earth. Being a
healthy young Trojan lad, Paris promptly accepted Aphrodite's bribe and she
got the apple and he got screwed.
As she had promised, she maneuvered earthly happeningsso that Paris
could have Helen (The Helen) then living with her husband Menelaus,King of
Sparta. Anyway, everyone knows that the Trojan War followed when Sparta
demanded their Queen back and that the Trojan War is said to be The First
War among men.
And so we suffer because of the Original Snub. And so a Discordian
is to partake of No Hot Dog Buns.
Do you believe that?
-------------------------------------
* This is called THE DOCTRINE OF THE ORIGINAL SNUB
** There is historic disagreement concerning whether this apple was of
metalica gold or acapulco.
*** Actually there were five goddesses, but the Greeks did not know the Law
of Fives.
REMEMBER:
KING
KONG
DIED FOR
YOUR SINS
Ho Chi Zen
is
King Cong
5. An Age of Confusion, or an Ancient Age, is one in which History As We
Know It begins to unfold, in which Whatever Is Coming emerges in Corporal
Form, more or less, and such times are Ages of Balanced Unbalance, or
Unbalanced Balance.
6. An Age of Bureaucracy is an Imperial Age in which Things Mature, in which
Confusion becomes entrenched and during which Balanced Balance,or
Stagnation, is attained.
7. An Age of Disorder or an Aftermath is an Apocalyptic Period of Transition
back to Chaos through the Screen of Oblivion into which the Age passeth,
finally. These are Ages of Unbalanced Unbalance.
HBT; The Book of Uterus, Chap. 3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do You Remember?
1. Polite children will always remember that a church is the ______ of _____.
An Erisian Hymn
by Rev. Dr. Mungojerry Grindlebone, KOB
Episkopos, THE RAYVILLE APPLE PANTHERS
Onwards Christian Soldiers,
Onwards Buddhist Priests.
Onward, Fruits of Islam,
Fight till you're deceased.
Fight your little battles.
Join in thickest fray;
For the Greater Glory,
of Dis-cord-i-a.
Yah, yah, yah,
Yah, yah, yah, yah.
Blfffffffffffft!
Mr. Momomoto, famous Japanese who can swallow his nose,has been
exposed. It was recently revealed that it was Mr. Momomoto's brother who has
been doing all this nose swallowing.
Heute Die Welt
Morgens das Sonnensystem!
Abbey of the Barbarous Relic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Official Proclamation -- ODD# III(b)/4,i;18Aft3135
--------------------------------------------------
POEE DISORGANIZATIONAL MATRIX
V) The House of Apostle of ERIS
For the Eristocracy and the Cabalablia
A. The Five Apostles of ERIS
B. The Golden Apple Corps (KSC)
C. Episkoposes of The Discordian Society
D. POEE Cabal Priests
E. Saints, Erisian Avatars, and Like Personages
IV) The House of the Rising Podge
for the Disciples of Discordia
A. Office of My High Reverence, The Polyfather
B. Council of POEE Priests
C. The LEGION OF DYNAMIC DISCORD
D. Eristic Avatars
E. Aneristic Avatars
III) The House of the Rising Hodge
For the Bureaucracy
A. the Bureau of Erisian Archives
B. the Bureau of The POEE Epistolary, and The Division of Dogmas
C. The Bureau of Symbols,Emblems, Certificates and Such
D. The Bureau of Eristic Affairs, and The Administry for The Unenlightened
Eristic Horde
E. The Bureau of Aneristic Affairs, and the Administry for the Orders of
Discordia
II) The House of the Rising Collapse
For the Encouragement of Liberation of Freedom, and/or the Discouragement
of the Immanentizing of the Eschaton
A. The Breeze of Wisdom and/or The Wind of Insanity
B. The Breeze of Integrity and/or The Wind of Arrogance
C. The Breeze of Beauty and/or The Wind of Outrages
D. The Breeze of Love and/or The Wind of Bombast
E. The Breeze of Laughter and/or The Wind of Bullshit
I) The Out House
For what is left over
A. Miscellaneous Avatars
B. The Fifth Column
C. POEE =POPES= everywhere
D. Drawer "O" for OUT OF FILE
E. Lost Documents and Forgotten Truths
->From this it may be concluded that Eris has usurped Eros (god of erotic love)
in the eyes of those who read backwards; which obviously made Eros sorE. Then
She apparently embezzeled the Olympian Treasury and went to Brazil; whereupon
She opened a chain of whorehouses (which certainly would get a rise from the
male population). I figure it to be this in particular because MADAM reads the
same forwards and backwards. And further, it is a term of great respect,
similar to SIRE.
And so thank you for your insight, it may well be the clue to the mystery of
just where Eris has been fucking around for 3125.
FIVE TONS OF FLAX!
->Yea what do all these wierd symbols mean anyway. I see loads of
> :-)
This one is a close approximation of ancient symbols meaning "Spank me
naked, Satan."
> 8)
And this one means, "I love to drink the blood of babies."
These are the relatively tame ones.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new unit: The Sunshine - a measure of evil
1 Sunshine - a Smurf on a bad day
10 Sunshines - Average high school teacher
20 Sunshines - Nice college professor
30 - Vice-Dean of Students
40 - Certain people who should remain unnamed
50 - Spring Term CS 345 grader
60 - An average final
70 - Symmetry
80 - Pascal
90 - Incompetent lab TA's
100 - Cruel college professor
200 - Dean of Students
300 - People who organize assassination games for their friends
400 - People who participate in such games
500 - People who use real weapons in assassination games.
600 - Killing someone with a power sander just for the fun of it.
700 - Immolating a random passer-by just for kicks.
800 - The "average" serial killer
900 - The current level of Gerald de Sade, the Marquis' evil brother
1000 - The current level of that incarnation of Happiness, Mr. Sunshine
1100 - Jeff "The Chef" Dahmer
1200 - Charles Manson
1300 - The aspirations of the Marquis de Sade
1400 - Calculus and differential equations
1500 - Injecting someone's eyes with Drano (tm)
1600 - Michigan Tech --- Tech is Hell!
1700 - Skinning someone with dental floss and letting them live
1800 - Physical Chemistry
1900 - Hitler and Stalin
2000 - The goal of the current incarnation of Happiness
2001 - Professor Leifer - The Anti-Christ himself
***At a sunshine level beyond the comprehension of you piss ants is the root
of all evil.
These units are intended to be a quantification of evil in its many and varied
forms. This is to eliminate any confusion as to the magnitude of any general
source of evil and unhappiness. The unit of the Sunshine has been accepted
as an SI unit after much debate, pain, slaughter, and general unhappiness.
Any revisions or comments should be directed to the address below.
This has been a production of
De Sade Productions
in association with
Sunshine Enterprises
Caffeine provided by
Mountain Dew
Copiedright (c) 15 February 1993
All rights deserved.
Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely intentional. Violation
of said copiedrights will result in a penalty of death, not to exceed
five minutes.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kritik's Korner
===============
by Pauline Kael
Available in book stores next month.
The latest book by Albert Goldman,
highly acclaimed biographer of dead people.
>From the one man who had the guts to put down on paper what everyone was
saying about Elvis Presley anyway...
>From the man who dredged up all the muck and slime you always wanted to
know about the life of John Lennon...
It's...
THEORIST DEAREST
----------------
the unofficial biography of Albert Einstein
Finally, Albert Goldman reveals the gory details about the sordid life of
one of the greatest minds of the twentieth century in this muckraking
masterpiece!
As these excerpts indicate, THEORIST DEAREST tells the whole gritty story
about...
The Irresponsible and Abused Adolescent:
Einstein was late to class, as usual, the day grades were announced,
so he had to wait until lunch hour to find out that he had flunked
high-school math. According to sources close to him at the time, he
feared that his father would probably kill him.
The Wild Patent Office Years:
"Einstein vas ahead of his time," says a coworker. "Alvays he vas
getting drunk unt saying zings like 'Hey Klaus, vhy don't you and me
fax our penises to London, eh?'"
The Plagiarism:
It is widely accepted that Einstein wrote his greatest papers while
working as a patent clerk, even though some sources claim that they
were actually the work of "Fritz", Einstein's estranged junkie who
mysteriously disappeared in early 1905.
The Lust for Money:
When asked what he would do if he couldn't be a physicist, Einstein
remarked that he would like to have been a plumber.
The Princeton Coeds:
Helga, daughter of Einstein's maid: "Herr Dokter Einshtein vas often
valking around mit his shoes untied because he had no time to tie
zem up vhen he vas sneaking out of ze girls' dormitories. Vhy did
you zink his hair alvays looked like zat?"
The Nasty Temper:
Einstein was arguing with another researcher about the validity of
quantum mechanics. "God does not play at dice!" he insisted as the
argument raged on. Eventually Einstein said "Look, let's have a
thought experiment. Suppose you and I are standing at ze train
station waiting for ze train as we will do tonight after class.
Now suppose I shove you off the platform onto the tracks and ze train
comes ripping over your helpless body at nearly ze speed of light.
At zis point, relative to my frame of reference, you are dead and no
longer around to bother me about ze fucking qvantum mechanics!"
Don't miss THEORIST DEAREST, the unofficial biography of Albert Einstein.
By Albert Goldman.
Highly acclaimed, but obviously constipated bald person.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A proposal to classify happiness as a psychiatric disorder" by R P Bentall;
JOURNAL OF MEDICAL ETHICS 18, 94-98 (1992). The abstract:
It is proposed that happiness be classified as a psychiatric
disorder and be included in future editions of the major
diagnostic manuals under the new name: major affective
disorder, pleasant type. In a review of the relevant
literature it is shown that happiness is statistically
abnormal, consists of a discrete cluster of symptoms, is
associated with a range of cognitive abnormalities, and
probably reflects the abnormal functioning of the central
nervous system. One possible objection to this proposal
remains--that happiness is not negatively valued.
However, this objection is dismissed as scientifically
irrelevant.
And now the question on everyone's mind...Are you happy?
[SEE??? ALL YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK, NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MUHAHAHAHA]
*******************************************************************************
i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh....And eyes big love-crumbs,
and possibly i like the thrill
of under me you so quite new
e.e.cummings
*******************************************************************************
NEVER BE
in the evening
the choice is made
she looks at the sky
the daylight fades
but she turns her head and thinks she sees
something there behind the trees
a little boy with a laser gun
shooting at the setting sun
she squints her eyes and looks at him
the neighbor's kids have all gone in
he doesn't seem to see her though
or the puzzled look she shows
he runs around and pretends to fly
laughing and giggling in joy
she looks back at the evening sky
"just another little boy"
so she turns her thoughts back to her Choice
the little boy has lost his voice
she snaps her head back and looks but sees
nothing out there in the trees
That is something you'll never see
A glimpse of what will never be
but then something else appears
she squints again and strains her ears
a fine young couple forming ties
and staring in each other's eyes
a quiet hug, a warm embrace
in his arms she lays her face
and he in turn returns her love
thanking someone up above
the woman looks and is touched by the sight
but remembers her Choice in the growing night
and all at once the young man's gone
and the girl is lonely, on her own
the girl sits there terribly sad
missing something she never had
she doesn't know, she has no clue
you can't miss one you never knew
And would you somehow know her?
If you passed her on the street?
What comfort could you give her?
The wife he's never meet?
the image fades, but leaves its mark
on the woman sitting in the dark
trembling slightly, her eyes grow wide
she hears a voice from deep inside
No life to live
No love to give
No tears to cry
No breath to sigh
No smiles to make
No give or take
No one near
No sounds to hear
No sights to see
This is what will become of me...
And all the things I'll never be.
-John Lynch
*******************************************************************************
This article was published in The Detroit News on February 20, 1963. The
author, Jim Bishop, questions those who cannot bring themselves to
believe the proof that surrounds all of us.
"It's a Wonderful World -- by Accident?"
"There is no God...
All of the wonders around you are accidental. No almighty hand made a thousand
billion stars. They made themselves. No power keeps them on their steady
courses. The earth magnetized itself to keep the oceans from falling off
toward the sun. Infants teach themselves to cry when they are hungry or hurt.
A small flower invented itself so that we could extract digitalis for sick
hearts.
The top few inches of our land just happens to have topsoil, without which we
would have no vegetables to eat, no grass for the animals whose meat is our
food.
No one put oil just deep enough in the earth to keep until we need it. The
wind which carries the delicate seedling to a fertile place was devised by us.
The inexhaustible envelope of air -- only 50 miles deep -- and of exactly the
right density to support human life, is just another law of physics.
But who invented physics? Who made the bank deposits of coal and zinc and iron
and uranium inside the earth? Nobody. It was all just another priceless
accident.
Who showed a voice how to fly through the air on a radio wave? How does a
picture leave an antenna, move through the air in hundreds of dots, and come
into millions of homes in precisely the right order to reproduce the picture?
Why does the earth spin at a given speed without ever slowing up, so that we
have day and night? Who tilts it so that we get seasons? Without the magnetic
North Pole man would be unable to navigate the trackless oceans of water and
air, but it just grew there, even though no one knows what it is.
How about the sugar thermostate below the human pancreas? It maintains a level
of sugar in the human blood sufficient for energy, but without it, all of us
would fall into a coma and die. No one created it.
The sun stokes a fire just warm enough to sustain us on earth, but not hot
enough to fry us, or cold enough to kill us. Who keeps the fire constant?
The special healing rays emitted by the sun -- who knows?
What makes a light bulb light? Electricity? What is it? Who showed it how to
travel at lightning speed, making right angle turns and twists on a piece of
wire without flying off? By the way, what is light? Who invented eyes to see
light? There is no light in 4,000 fathoms of water and the fish living there
have no eyes. Who uninvented needless eyes?
A young bird will migrate from Canada to Australia -- who showed it what
course, what speed, and why it must do this? Swallows return on a given day.
What calendar do they use? Man has a conscience. No other animal has.
Who engineered this?
And who put the medicines in herbs and weeds? Penicillin was found on a moldy
plate. Who told Dr. Fleming not to throw that plate away? No one. He was
just curious.
Where did the seeds come from for the first tree so that we would have shelter?
Did someone devise fire to keep us warm? For countless centuries in countless
places the forests and vegetation have perpetuated themselves without man's
help. Why did they not die of blight and neglect?
Clouds bring rain and shade. Who taught them how to vaporize, and pick up
fresh water and carry it to the places which need it? Is snow just a winter
decoration? Or does it sit on mountaintops waiting for the warm spring sun to
melt it into rains needed fo the streams and farms below? A very lovely
accident. And why does it melt at just the right time for the young crops to
drink?
A salmon will swim upstream to have its babies and die and it will jump fish
ladders to do it. How does a salmon know that we need more salmon? Why does
a pregnant eel at Hawaii swim all the way to Bermuda to give birth to its eels?
Who teaches a house dog to tear up strips of paper in a fluffy pile for puppies
about to be born?
The human heart will beat for 70 to 80 years without faltering. How does it
get sufficient rest between beats? A kidney will filter poison from the blood
and leave good things alone. How does it know one from the other? Who gave
the human tongue flexibility to form words, and a brain to understand them, but
denied it to all other animals?
Illnesses have specific symptoms. Why this warning? Why not many illnesses
with identical symptoms? Or no symptoms?
Who showed a womb how to take the love of two persons and keep splitting a tiny
ovum until, in time, a baby would have the proper number of fingers, eyes,
ears, and hair in the right places and come into the world when it is strong
enough to sustain life? Who?
It's all accidental.
There is no God?....."
*******************************************************************************
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
/// ///
/// The Animaniacs MEGA Lyrics File 1.2 ///
/// ///
/// Kludged together with care and paste by Corinthian ///
/// mail corrections/additions/comments to JGOV1447@uriacc.uri.edu ///
/// (Also, if I forgot to give a transcriber credit, tell me.) ///
/// ///
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
NOTE: This posting looks like I just pasted together all the ones that
I have found on the list. Well, it basically is. I have added all of
the character changes relevent to each song, as you will see. Thanks
to everyone here for contributing unknowingly!
I'm only listing the first appearance of each song in the EP.
column. (ie. "Yakko's Universe"/"The Universe Song" is listed as
appearing in AN103 only despite being aired in AN150 as well.)
Also, I'm including the various trailers that Fox/WB have made up
for the show at the END of the file, for those who're interested.
TABLE OF CONTENTS:
NO. EP. TITLE
-- ----- -------------------------------------------------------
1. AN101 "Animaniacs Theme"
2. AN101 "The Monkey Song"
3. AN102 Pinky and the Brain Introduction Theme (2 Variations)
4. AN102 "Yakko's World"
5. AN103 "Yes, Brothers Warner We"
6. AN103 YW+D: "Cap'n Mel's Theme" from "HMS Yakko"
7. AN103 YW+D: "We Should Run and We Should Flee" from "HMS Yakko"
8. AN103 "Cartoon Individual (I am the Very Model of a...)"
9. AN103 Slappy the Squirrel Introduction Theme
10. AN103 "Yakko's Universe"
11. AN105 "The Etiquette Song"
12. AN106 "What Are We?"
13. AN107 Rita and Runt Introduction Theme
14. AN107 "When Rita Met Runt" Lyrics
15. AN108 "On the Warner Lot" (Parody of Gilligan's Island Theme)
16. AN110 "King Yakko" (All lyrics, including "Let the Anvils Ring")
17. AN111 YW+D: Lyrics from "No Pain, No Painting"
18. AN111 "Les Miseranimals"
19. AN112 Goodfeathers: "West Side Pigeons" Lyrics
20. AN113 "The Hills are Quite Full" (parody of "Sound of Music")
21. AN113 YW+D: Audition Song from "Hello, Nice Warners"
22. AN113 Hip Hippos Introduction Theme
23. AN113 "La Behemoth"
24. AN113 YW+D: "Our First Day at School" from "Chalkboard Bungle"
25 AN117 YW+D: "We're Chimney Sweeps" from "Roll Over, Beethoven"
26. AN117 Rita : "The Cat and the Fiddle"
27. AN118 Chicken-Boo Introduction Theme
28. AN121 "Wakko's America"
29. AN123 "Be Careful What You Eat"
30 AN125 YW+D: "Hercule Yakko's Theme" from "Hercule Yakko"
31. AN125 Rita : "Home On De-Nile"
32. AN132 "The Planets"
33. AN134 "Bubba-Bo-Bob-Brain" Brain's Song
34. AN135 "Katie Ka-Boom" Intro Theme
35. AN136 The Muska-Warners Theme
36. AN136 YW+D: "King's Lullaby" from "The Three Muska-Warners"
37. AN137 YW+D: "Do Your Ears Hang Low?" from "Boot Camping"
38. AN138 "Spell Bound": The Musical Misadventures of Mistrel Mouse Pinky
39. AN139 "Smitten With Kittens"
40. AN141 YW+D: "The Deli Song" from "Broadcast Nuisance"
41. AN141 Goodfeathers Introduction Theme (From "Raging Bird")
**42. AN143 Rita: Music from "Of Nice and Men"
43. AN144 "The Senses"
44. AN145 Dot's Introduction Theme
45. AN147 "Video Review
46. AN147 YW+D: Carrol Burnett Theme Parody Wraparound
47. AN149 "A Christmas Plotz" Lyrics
48 AN149 YW+D: "We Three Shepherds" (Only the _altered_ lyrics -Cor)
49. AN150 "Slipping on the Ice" (Cold Opener)
50. AN150 "'Twas the Day Before Christmas" (Transcription)
51. AN1XX "I'm Mad"
52. AN1XX "Schnitzelbank"
53. AN1XX "I'm Cute"
**54 (trl) Yakko: "New Show: Animaniacs on FOX!" Trailer
55. (trl) YW+D: "Happy Holidays" Trailer
ABBREVIATIONS:
(trl) - Trailer
** - I'm still working/looking for the Lyrics to this one.
================================================
ANIMANIACS THEME (M: Richard Stone; L: Tom Ruegger)
Y/W/D: It's time for Animaniacs
And we're zany to the max.
So just sit back and relax--
You'll laugh till you collapse--
For Animaniacs!
Y/W: Come join the Warner Brothers
Dot: (And the Warner sister Dot);
Y/W/D: Just for fun we run around the Warner movie lot.
They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught,
But we break loose and then vamoose
And now you know the plot!
We're Animaniacs!
Dot is cute and Yakko yaks.
Wakko packs away the snacks
While Bill Clinton plays the sax.
We're Animaniacs!
Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe.
Goodfeathers flock together; Slappy whacks 'em with her purse.
Buttons chases Mindy while Rita sings a verse.
The writers flipped; we have no script!
Why bother to rehearse?
Cast: We're Animaniacs!
We have pay-or-play contracts.
We're zany to the max,
There's baloney in our slacks!
We're Animany,
Totally insaney,
TVV: D:Here's the show's namey:
Cast: Animaniacs!
Those are the facts.
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
===============================================
MONKEY SONG
Intro flute played by Squit until he hits Pesto in the eye with the flute.
Pesto: That's it! Hey, you watch where you're pointin' that thing!
Squit: Hey, take it easy!
Pesto: You wanna play the flute?! I got your flute! Hey, here's your flute!
Flavio & Marita play the bongos and steel drum.
Squit plays the flute again.
Pesto: I thought I told you to cut with that flute! Take that! Get outta
my face!
Squit: Ow! Come on! Come on, I ain't done nothin'! ...
wakes the sleeping DR.
Doctor: One Monday morning I got up late.
And there were these monkeys outside the gate.
The guard tried to stop them but he had no luck
The monkeys got free and they ran amok!
Doctor: I don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Y/W/D: Don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Doctor: I don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Y/W/D: Don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Doctor: My office was run by the studio nurse.
I came downstairs and what could be worse?
The monkeys was doing a crazy dance.
They put buggies in my underpants!
Doctor: I don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Y/W/D: Don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Doctor: Monkeys dance then I dance too!
Y/W/D: Don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Doctor: I ran outside to get a stick.
But I'm telling you, friends, those monkeys was quick!
'Cause when I returned, much to my disgrace
Those monkeys had the nurse in a mad embrace!
Nurse: I don't know what to say the monkeys won't do.
Yakko: For a nickel I'll give you a clue!
Dot: I didn't know your eyes were blue!
Doctor: I don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Marita: Yessah, whoo!
Flavio: Ah, play that thing!
Doctor: I went to me bath for a shower and shave.
The monkeys goin' put me into my grave!
The entire bathroom was laid to waste
And they shaved my head with minty toothpaste!
Doctor: I don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Y/W/D: Don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Doctor: They is crazy-nutzo, I'm telling you!
Y/W/D: Don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Doctor: Then by this time I was feeling dread
They was using a shoe brush to shine me head.
I asked them to leave but they stayed around.
They pulled the chain and yee! I went down!
Doctor: I don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Y/W/D: Don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Doctor: Call my lawyer, I'm ready to sue!
Y/W/D: Don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Doctor: Aaaaaaaaaa!
Marita: Yessah, bravo!
Squit with the flute again, accidently jabs Pesto in the beak.
Pesto: Hey! That's it! Where do you think you're pointin' with that thing! ...
Squit: Ow! Come on! Knock it off! Ouch! ...
You're pullin' my tail feathers! ...
Pesto: Yeah, I'll give you one-a those! ...
Doctor: Well me patience ran out and I'm telling you sure
Tomorrow I show those monkeys the door!
And if they don't leave I'm inviting you
To my house for dumplings and monkey stew!
Doctor: I don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Y/W/D: Don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Doctor: Now I'm in the stew. -- Oh, poo.
Y/W/D: Don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Doctor: Watch out for monkeys, I'm telling you!
Y/W/D/F/M:Don't know what to say, the monkeys won't do!
Y/W/D: We're not monkeys, we're just koo-koo!
Y/W/D/F/M:Don't know what to say, the Warners won't do!
(Transcribed by Mark Hadley)
===============================================
P-TB INTRO SONGS (2 Variations)
Pinky: Gee, Brain. What do you want to do tonight?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky...
Try to take over the world!
Y/W/D: They're Pinky and The Brain,
They're Pinky and The Brain.
One is a genius, the other's insane.
To prove their mouse-y worth,
They'll overthrow the earth.
They're dinky, they're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.
Pinky: Gee, Brain. What do you want to do tonight?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky...
Try to take over the world!
Y/W/D: They're Pinky and The Brain,
Yes, Pinky and The Brain.
One is a genius, the other's insane.
They're laboratory mice.
Their genes have been spliced.
They're dinky, they're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.
(Transcribed by Paul J. Lee, Email niteowl@sun.panix.com)
===============================================
YAKKO'S WORLD (M: Traditional [The Mexican Hat Dance] L: Randy Rogel)
Announcer:
And now the nations of the world, brought to you by Yakko Warner!
Yakko:
United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru,
Republic Dominican, Cuba, Carribean, Greenland, El Salvador too.
Puerto Rico, Columbia, Venezuela, Honduras, Guyana, and still,
Guatemala, Bolivia, then Argentina, and Ecuador, Chile, Brazil.
Costa Rica, Belize, Nicaragua, Bermuda, Bahamas, Tobago, San Juan,
Paraguay, Uraguay, Surinam, and French Guiana, Barbados, and Guam.
Norway, and Sweden, and Iceland, and Finland, and Germany now one piece,
Switzerland, Austria, Czechoslovakia, Italy, Turkey, and Greece.
Poland, Romania, Scotland, Albania, Ireland, Russia, Oman,
Bulgaria, Saudi Arabia, Hungary, Cyprus, Iraq, and Iran.
There's Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Jordan, both Yemens, Kuwait, and Bahrain,
The Netherlands, Luxembourg, Belgium, and Portugal, France, England,
Denmark, and Spain.
India, Pakistan, Burma, Afghanistan, Thailand, Nepal, and Bhutan,
Kampuchea, Malasia, then Bangladesh (Asia), and China, Korea, Japan.
Mongolia, Laos, and Tibet, Indonesia, The Philippine Islands, Taiwan,
Sri Lanka, New Guinea, Sumatra, New Zealand, then Borneo, and Vietnam.
Tunisia, Morocco, Uganda, Angola, Zimbabwe, Djibouti, Botswana,
Mozambique, Zambia, Swaziland, Gambia, Guinea, Algeria, Ghana.
Burundi, Lesotho, and Malawi, Togo, The Spanish Sahara is gone,
Niger, Nigeria, Chad, and Liberia, Egypt, Benin, and Gabon.
Tanzania, Somalia, Kenya, and Mali, Sierra Leone, and Algiers,
Dahomey, Namibia, Senegal, Libya, Cameroon, Congo, Zaire.
Ethiopia, Guinea-Bissau, Madagascar, Rwanda, Mayotte, and Cayman,
Hong Kong, Abu Dhabi, Qatar, Yugoslavia...
...Crete, Mauritania, then Transylviania, Monaco, Liechtenstein, Malta,
and Palestine, Fiji, Australia, Sudan.
(Transcribed by:
Yakko Warner (ywarner@pegasus.astro.utoronto.ca) and Paul Hendry)
===============================================
YES, BROTHERS WARNER WE (M: Sir Arthur Sullivan (P.D.); L: Paul Rugg)
YW+D : We surf the sea!
The Warners we three be!
To catch a gaze
Of a beach to get some rays!
We'll never sink!
Our board's not what you think!
It's got a tail
In fact it is a whale!
Y+W : Yes! Brothers Warner we!
Dot : I'm the Warner Sister!
Yakko : You'd like her if you kissed her!
YW+D : We've surfed the seven seas
Now it's time to catch some z's!
Hey!
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
===============================================
AN103: "CAP'N MEL'S THEME" from "HMS YAKKO"
Cap'n Mel: I am the evil pirate Captain Mel!
Crewmen : And a really evil pirate, too!
Cap'n Mel: You are very, very kind,
I'm an evil mastermind
And I'll do cruel things to you
Crewmen : We are very, very kind,
He's an evil mastermind
And he'll do cruel things to you
Cap'n Mel: I'll kick you in the knee
Poke your eyes so you can't see
And hit you with my sword,
Though I be a pirate swine
I have to draw the line...
So I will not push you overboard
Crewmen : What, never?
Cap'n Mel: No, never!
Crewmen : What, never?
Cap'n Mel: Hardly EVER!
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
===============================================
YW+D: "WE SHOULD RUN AND WE SHOULD FLEE" from "HMS YAKKO"
[NOTE: 'CM' is 'Cap'n Mel' -ed.]
Yakko : (spoken) Song break!
YW+D : Thus we're scared and thus we're frightened
'Cause our itty-bitty new friend
Has his teeny-weeny brain all set
On blowing us to bits,
Oh, how horrible, deplorable,
This really is
The pits!
YWD+CM: We should run and we should flee
Then where would our story be?
This could spell the bitter end...
CM : For animated Kid's like them!
Yakko : For the oldest Warner brother
Dot : And his pretty Warner sister
Wakko : And the other Warner brother
CM : Their small lives I will smother!
They should run and they should flee
Then where would this story be
This...
Yakko : (spoken) Bon voyage-y!
D+W : Buh-bye!
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
===============================================
I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A CARTOON INDIVIDUAL
(M: Sir Arthur Sullivan (P.D.); L: Paul Rugg)
Yakko:
I am the very model of a cartoon individual
My animation's comical, unusual, and whimsical
I'm quite adept at funny gags, comedic theory I have read
From wicked puns, and stupid jokes, to anvils that drop on your head
I'm very good at fancy dances, I can even pirouette
Then smack the villain ... with a fish, I know my cartoon etiquette
I can make my face all mean and really give you quite a fright
Then make up with flowers made of real exploding dynamite
When in a jam, I just yell "stop" and villians in their tracks are froze
Then I sneak up, and utter "start" and take my hands and honk their nose
I am quite proud to be in such a hierarchal progeny
From Daffy Duck and Tweety Bird to Babs and Buster Bunny!
To suit my mood I can call forth a lot of different sceneries
Like outer space
And desert scapes
And Himalayan eateries
From this bag here why I can pull most anything imaginable
Like office desks
And lava lights
And Bert who is a cannibal
(YW+D):
You see in matters comical, unusual, and whimsical, we are the very models
of cartoon individuals!
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
===============================================
YES, BROTHERS WARNER WE (M: Sir Arthur Sullivan (P.D.); L: Paul Rugg)
YW+D : We surf the sea!
The Warners we three be!
To catch a gaze
Of a beach to get some rays!
We'll never sink!
Our board's not what you think!
It's got a tail
In fact it is a whale!
Y+W : Yes! Brothers Warner we!
Dot : I'm the Warner Sister!
Yakko : You'd like her if you kissed her!
YW+D : We've surfed the seven seas
Now it's time to catch some z's!
Hey!
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
===============================================
SLAPPY THE SQUIRREL INTRODUCTION THEME
YW+D : (sung) The crankiest of creatures in the whole wide world,
Our next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel!
Slappy : (spoken) Ahhh, enough with the singin', already!
YW+D : (sung) That's SLAPPY!
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
===============================================
YAKKO'S UNIVERSE (M & L: Randy Rogel)
Everybody lives on a street in a city or a village or a town for what
it's worth
And they're all inside a country which is part of a continent that sits
upon a planet known as Earth.
And the Earth is a ball full of oceans and some mountains, which is out
there spinning silently in space,
And living on that Earth are the plants and the animals and also the entire
human race
It's a great big universe and we're all really puny, we're just tiny little
specks about the size of Mickey Rooney
It's big and black and inky, and we are small and dinky
It's a big universe and we're not
And we're part of a vast interplantary system stretching seven hundred
billion miles long
With nine planets and a sun, we think the Earth's the only one that has
life on it, although we could be wrong
Across the interstellar voids are a billion asteroids including meteors
and Halley's Comet too
And there's over fifty moons floating out there like balloons in a panoramic
trillion mile view!
And still it's all a speck amid a hundred billion stars in a galaxy we call
the Milky Way
It's sixty thousand trillion miles from one end to the other, and still
that's just a fraction of the way
Cause there's a hundred billion galaxies that stretch across the sky filled
with constellations, planets, moons and stars
And still the universe extends to a place that never ends, which is maybe
just inside a little jar!
It's a great big universe and we're all really puny, we're just tiny little
specks about the size of Mickey Rooney
Though we don't know how we got here, we're an important part here, it's a
big universe and it's ours!
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
===============================================
THE ETIQUETTE SONG (M: Richard Stone; L: Peter Hastings)
Yakko : When you walk into a party
It's a formal universe
Dr.SNS: Ya!
YW+D : So you jump on your host
And with a kiss say "Hello, Nurse!"
Dr.SNS: No!
Yakko : Remember that good diction
Reflects so well on you
Dr.SNS: Ya!
YW+D : So practice all your vowel sounds by saying
"AEIOUUUUU"
Dr.SNS: No!
Yakko : To use the right utensils is
One of etiquette's demands
Dr.SNS: *Uuuuuggghhhh*
YW+D : So we recommend...
You throw them out...
And eat with your hands!
Yakko : A salad fork
Dot : A dinner fork
Wakko : A butter knife
YW+D : A water glass
Yakko : A soup spoon
Dot : A dinner knife
Wakko : A fork for eating pickled bass
YW+D : An oyster fork, dessert spoon, a napkin, and a finger bowl,
A dinner spoon, a salad knife, a bread plate for your dinner roll!
We've heard the rules you need to know to make that social climb
But we'd rather spend our energy on having a good time!
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
===============================================
WHAT ARE WE? (M & L: Randy Rogel)
Wakko : Maybe we are dogs, cute little dogs with ears, And little tails
that we can wag, hey let's go fetch slippers and play tag!
Dr.SNS: Hey, get off of me...!
Dot : Maybe I'm a cat, whaddaya think of that
A lovely cat that all the world adores
And here's my kitty paws,
With little kitty claws, which I like to sharpen on your couch!
Dr.SNS: Augghh! That's not funny...
Yakko : Maybe I'm a bunny
Hopping 'round here happy as I please
Or penguins and it's cold, which makes you sneeze
I've got it, of course!
Maybe I'm a horse
I can live on oats and hay
And laugh and run and jump and play
And you can ride on me all day!
Dr.SNS: No way
Dot : Hey, maybe I'm a skunk
Dr.SNS: Oh boy, you really stink!
Yakko : A dinosaur might be some fun
Dr.SNS: But then you'd be extinct
Dot : Maybe we're all insects
Wakko : Do you like bugs and bees?
Dr.SNS: You kids are buggy in the head
Yakko : Maybe we're giant fleas!
Dot : Maybe an electric eel
Dr.SNS: Yowch!
Wakko : Or a seal
Dot : Get real
Dot : Hey wait a minute, I've got it now
Dr.SNS: You do?!
Dot : Yes, I do
YW+D : We're not bees and we're not cats
or bugs or horses or things like that
What we are is clear and absolute!
What we are, dear doctor...
Dot : Is... cute!
YW+D : *Smooch!*
Dr.SNS: I'm sorry I asked.
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
===============================================
RITA AND RUNT INTRODUCTION THEME
Voices : Like Abbott and Costello,
Like Sonny and Cher,
Like Martin and Lewis,
They're a perfect pair,
Like Laurel and Hardy,
Like Fontanne and Lunt,
They're perfectly mismatched,
They're Rita and Runt!
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
===============================================
MUSIC FROM "WHEN RITA MET RUNT"
Music by: Richard Stone and Steve Bernstein
Rita: Bernadette Peters !
Runt: Frank Welker
/Dialog leading up to the song/
RITA: Humans. Go fig.
RUNT: Yea, ain't they great. Who else would adopt a rat.
RITA: /writes "Humans stink" on the wall/
Ah, what difference does it make?
Soon we'll be sleeping the big sleep.
RUNT: I could use a nap.
RITA: They're going to gas us you buffoon. We'll be dead.
RUNT: I don't think I'm that tired.
RITA: You're not a very smart cat, are you Runt?
RUNT: Nope.
RITA: Well, at least you're honest.
/Begin song/
What's a human good for anyway?
RUNT: They pet you when they're sad
RITA: They smack you when you're bad
RUNT: When you're hungry they definitely feed you.
RITA: Yea, on vacation they leave you with hardly no food.
Ring a bell dude?
RUNT: /Looks under dish and sighs/
RITA: Exactly my point
Humans ain't what they seem to be
They don't mean that much to me; no not much at all
When you're little and tiny they pet your cute hiney
But then when you grow its a simple no show
It's shoo shoo off this and don't you dare scratch on that
If they call you at all its always "dumb cat"
Humans ain't what they seem to be
They don't mean that much to me; no not much at all
But when it's all dark and quiet, I try hard to fight it
But I dream of home then I won't have to roam
Someone to feed me and put me to bed
And scratch me just so on top of my head
But I ain't gonna love them; not gonna answer that call
For humans don't mean that much to me; no not much at all
RITA: Sigh. /bars fall away/ Who knew.
/End song/
(Transcribed by: Michael Russell ( michael_russell@vnet.ibm.com ))
(Corrections by Sean Brandenburg)
===============================================
ON THE WARNER LOT (To the tune of Gilligan's Island. From episode AN108)
Just listen up and you'll here a tale,
a tale of the Warner Three.
When on the Water Tower
they did try to flee.
They shot into the puffy clouds
some seed to make it rain.
And rain it did, so much in fact
the tower floated away,
all around L.A.
When the rain dried up
the tower was aground
on the Burbank Lot
The Warner Brothers then escaped
with their sister Dot.
And then took off like a shot
Now they're being chased around the
Warner Studio by:
Scratchansniff
and Hello Nurse
the CEO
Ralph the Guard.
Some movie stars
the Professor and Mary Ann
On the Warner's Lot
(Transcribed by O.G. Shofner )
===============================================
KING YAKKO
Includes:
LET THE ANVILS RING
(M: Richard Stone (Includes arrangements of traditional music
and P. D. music by Richard Sanderson); L: Peter Hastings)
Plus the other miscelaneous lyrics in the episode
Abreviations used:
G - Guards
PM - Prime Minister (Nurse)
AC - The Anvil Choir
Y - Yakko
W - Wakko
D - Dot
$ - Peasants
# - Men
% - Women
_KING_YAKKO_
G: The King!
PM: Good folk of Anvilania, we welcome our new king;
So raise your hammers high, and let the anvils ring;
AC: We Let the anvils ring;
G: to welcome our new king;
The King!
---Later---
LET THE ANVILS RING
Y: Let us introduce ourselves, o people of this land
W: We are the Warner brothers
D: With sister close at hand
Y: I bet you all are wondering, who is this young unknown?
and why am I inheiriting the Anvilanian throne?
#: Yes, why?
%: Yes, why?
$: Oh, please, please tell us why
Y: The bottom of the family tree starts with Yakko that is me
I'm the cousin to the sister of son's niece's brother
Of the uncle's daughter's father of the nephew's sister's mother
And my grandpa's only cousin was the King's daughter's sibling,
But they're all gone, and that is why, I am now your King!
$: He is now our King!
Y: Yes, I am now your King! Repeat what I just said!
$: Repeat what I just said!
Y: And let the anvils Ring!
[Anvil Choir plays]
YWD:Old King Yakko's mania,
[music]
YWD:Was for Anvilania!
[music]
Y: So good citizens I pledge to you, I'll do the best that I can do
For honor country and the King, let the anvils ring!
$: Let the anvils ring!
Y: Let the anvils ring!
AC: Let the anvils ring!
---Later---
Y: In dear old Anvilania, everyone's our friend;
D: We want to meet you all,
W: and shake you by the hend
W: 'end,' - 'hend,' it rhymes! [spoken]
---Later after the run in with Mr. Tater---
Y: And so I stand corrected, not everyone's our friend;
D: The dicator,
W: he wants a war,
YWD: so our country will defend!
$: This means war,
This means war,
This means war!
YWD:Of course you know, this means War--ners!
---Later Dot and Wakko devise the new national anthem---
DW: Oh the anvil shines in my old Anvilanian home.
---Later after the war--- (Victory Song)
YWD:We thank you all for your support;
And of the war, we now report;
Y: Our country had been threatened by a mean and crafty man;
D: He wanted all our anvils,
W: and our country in the can;
YWD:We gathered up all the bravest men but they all ran away;
Y: So Wakko, Dot, and I, the king, went off to earn our pay;
D: The battle, it was fierce,
Y: but we rolled with the punch;
YD: The odds, they were against us,
W: six hours without lunch;
YWD:We folled the old dictator and his castle was destroyed;
but we're not mean and now with us he's gainfully employed.
Y: So now won't you join us for country and the king;
YWD:Raise your hammers high and let the anvils ring!
#: Let the anvils ring!
$: Let the anvils ring!
===============================================
SONG FRAGMENT FROM "NO PAIN, NO PAINTING"
(Music: Traditional [Frere Jacques])
YW+D:
We're the Warners
We're the Warners
What's it mean?
Keep it clean!
Yakko is a yakker
Wakko is a snacker!
Dot is cute
Like this boot!
(Transcribed by David Moisan, Email moisan@bronze.les.mit.edu)
===============================================
From: tallman@usa.acsys.com (Dave Tallman) (and Mark Hadley)
THE COMPLETE _LE MISERANIMALS_ LYRICS
Here are all the lyrics from _Le Miseranimals_ I reconstruct them from
the VCR tape. There are a few uncertain spots. Song titles from _Le
Miserables_ come from my cassette tape of the original London cast
production.
----
'Camenbert' (tune parodies 'Confrontation')
Camenbert:
"Runt ValRunt, I'll track you down, I swear.
No matter where you run, I will be there.
I, Camenbert!"
----
'At the End of My Fork' (tune parodies 'At the End of The Day')
Miserable Diner:
"At the end of my fork is an unknown food product!"
Tristesse:
"You miserable fool, that's a bit of sardine!"
Miserable Diner:
"If that's a sardine, then I'm the bloomin' May Queen."
Chorus of Customers:
"Forgive us sir, but your gourmet pies are obscene.
We want protein!"
Note: (Not sure of last two words)
---
'Look at Rita' (tune parodies 'Lovely Ladies')
Assigning cat names in order of appearence, as listed in the credits.
Yellow cat (Kitty Dukockis?):
"Look at Rita, fripping up her fur."
Brown striped cat (Cat Ballue?):
"Thinks she's such a fancy one, just listen to 'er purr."
Gray cat with dark tail (Kitty Litter?):
"Arrogant Rita, oh so marvelous."
All three:
"'aughty precious kitty, better than the rest of us.
PU, girl, you're odoriferous!"
Kitten:
"Guess what I saw; I saw it with me own eyes.
Monsieur Tristesse has no more meat for his pies.
Believe it or not, he threw Fat Cat in the pot.
Fat Cat escaped but if Tristesse has his way
He'll make a Fat Cat soufflee!
Dukockis:
"No, not a cat?!"
Kitten:
"It was Fat Cat."
Ballue:
"It was a cat?"
Kitten
"A kitty cat."
All four:
"Oh, save us God! We're living with a Sweeny Todd!"
Ballue:
"Give him Rita, Rita's nice and fat!"
Dukockis:
"Rita must be tasty, why, she's an aristocrat."
All four:
"To the kitchen, throw her in the vat!"
Rita:
----
'Flat in Gay Paree' (tune parodies 'Castle on a Cloud')
Rita:
"I know a flat in Gay Paree,
Safe on a tree-lined avenue,
No cat a'la carte on the menu,
Not in my flat in Gay Paree."
"There is a chef of fine cuisine,
He is a vegetarian,
As he prepares a fine banquet,
He says, 'Rita, you're my beloved pet.'"
"I know a flat where I can nap,
Safe in a chair or in a lap,
I won't end up in a recipe,
Not in my flat in Gay Paree."
---
'I'm Definitely...' (tune parodies 'Who Am I?')
Runt:
"I am definitely...
I'm definitely...
I am definitely...
Runt Valrunt!"
---
'Rita and Runt' (tune parodies 'Red and Black')
Runt:
"Rita, glad I found you safe and sound."
Rita:
"Runt, where the blazes have you been?"
Runt:
"Rita, doing straight time in Le Pound."
Rita:
"Runt, get me out of this pen!"
---
'That Hole is Much Too Small' (tune parodies 'A Little Fall of Rain')
Rita:
"Please don't be upset, Runt,
It hardly hurts at all,
But that hole is much too small
To pull my body through.
What were you thinking, you big buffoon?
Don't worry, it's okay, the pain will go away.
He must have confused me for a cartoon."
---
'Do You Hear the Poodles Bark' (tune parodies 'Do You Hear the People Sing')
Poodles:
"Do you hear the poodles bark,
Barking the barks of angry mutts?"
Runt:
"It's the high-pitched yap of pedigreed dogs
Whose mouths will not be shut."
Poodles:
"We will break down the prison wall.
We will destroy the restaurant.
We're revolting poodles following Runt Valrunt!"
____
'Dig Down' (tune parodies 'Look Down')
Dogs:
Dig down, dig deep, Les Miseranimals!
Dig down, dig deep, to freedom through a tunnel!
Dukockis:
"Dogs and cats shouldn't fraternize!"
Rita:
"D'you wannaend up in meat pies?!"
Ballue:
"Rita's right, let's use our paws."
Litter:
"I ain't gettin' dirt between me claws."
Rita:
"Get over yourself!"
Dogs and cats:
Dig down, dig deep, Les Miseranimals!
Dig down, dig deep, to freedom through a tunnel!
---
'Bitten in Ze Butt' (tune parodies 'Master of the House')
Tristesse:
"Bitten in ze butt,
Got an open tear,
Took a little nibble from my derriere!
I will get you in ze end, dog.
You'll regret you bit me, chum.
Ooh, I am so irritated
I got bitten in ze bum!"
---
'Camenbert and Runt' (tune parodies 'Confrontation')
Camenbert:
"Valrunt, you cur, there's no escaping me!
Ha ha, ho ho, ha ha ha ha hee hee-eee!"
Camenbert: Runt:
"You'll go back to the Pound. "But I protest, I'm an innocent framed
You'll go back. Confess Camenbert, you know it's true.
A dog like you I didn't steal
cannot run free, that bone,
A dog like you." It was you."
Runt:
"Toodleoo!"
---
'At the End of the Road' (tune parodies 'At the End of The Day')
Rita:
"At the end of the road is the city of Paris.
At the end of the road is the city of light.
The city of romance,
All animals:
Where we could be merry and dance,
And with any luck we all will find shelter tonight.
Vive la France!"
(Transcribed by C. David Tallman, Email tallman@usa.acsys.com)
===============================================
AN112: Goodfeathers: "WEST SIDE PIGEONS" lyrics
_Here Come the Goodfeathers_
BS+P : Here come the Goodfeathers cooing at you
That no sparrow can perch on Scorsese's statue
On our ever-loving, beaking, bugging
Statue!
Goodfeathers!
[later]
_Carloota_
Squit: Carloota!
I just met a bird named Carloota!
And please don't think me rude,
But I think I'd like to brood
With Carloota!
Carloota!
Carloota!
Carlooooooota!!
[later]
_We'd Like to Perch on Scorsese's Head!_
[ FS = Female Sparrows, MS = Male Sparrow(s) ]
FS : (spoken) We wanna stay on the rooftop!
MS : We _don't_!
(sung)
We'd like to perch on Scorsese's head!
Why can't we perch on Scorsese's head?
Goodfeathers perch on Scorsese's head!
_Sparrows_ should perch on Scorsese's head!
FS : On the rooftop we get lots of sunshine!
MS : Don't want to perch on a clothesline!
FS : Up here we have a boid's-eye view!
MS : Humans drop _food_ by the statue!
FS : We'd like to perch on Scorsese's head!
MS : Why can't we perch on Scorsese's head?
Goodfeathers perch on Scorsese's head!
All: We're gonna perch on Scorsese's head!
[later]
_I Feel Feathery_
Bobby: (spoken) Hoo-Hoo! Look at Mr. What-a-Difference-a-Day-Makes!
Pesto: Heh heh! Spiffing up for the rumble, Squit?
Squit: No, I have a date with Carloota. There's no other bird in the
city like Carloota. Around her...
(sung)
I feal feathery,
Oh, so feathery,
All my plumage is standing up tall
I'm no peacock,
But that doesn't bother me at all!
Who's that handsome squab in the mirror there?
Pesto: What squab? Where? Who?
Squit: Oooooh...it's...ME!
B+P : Chirp chirp, quack quack,
Chirp tweet, coo coo!
Squit: I feel feathery,
Oh, so feathery,
Like a fledgling, a soft downy dove,
Oh, this pigeon,
Handsome pigeon's,
All puffed up with LOVE!
[later, after the rumble and Carloota leaves with Johny]
_Scorsese's Head is Where You Belong_
Bobby: (spoken) Forget about it, Squit, you're a Goodfeather, see?
(sung)
And there's a perch for you
On this statue
For you
Forget the chick cause she done you wrong,
Scorsese's head is where you belong!
BP+S : Coo-coo! Coo-ooo! _Coo-COOOOO!_
Bobby: (spoken) There's a statue of Coppola down the street.
Squit: When you're a Goodfeather, no matter what happens you _stay_ a
Goodfeather. When you're in love, you might not stay there.
Love? Not for me, no thanks.
Then again!
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
===============================================
AN113 PARODY OF "THE SOUND OF MUSIC"
Woman : The hills are quite full
Of big rocks and boulders,
With igneous rock,
Sedimentary, too,
The hills are quite full
Of big rocks and boulders...
(YW+D burst through backdrop)
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
===============================================
YW+D: AUDITION SONG from "HELLO, NICE WARNERS" (From "The Mikado")
YW+D : Three little maids from school are we,
Pert as a schoolgirl well can be,
Filled to the brim with girlish glee-EE,
Three little maids from school.
Dot : Everything is a source of fun,
Wakko : Nobody's safefor we care for none,
Yakko : Life is a joke that has just begun,
YW+D : Three little maids from school!
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
(Corrections provided by David Webb and cwm@indial1.io.com)
===============================================
HIP HIPPOS INTRODUCTORY THEME
Duet : The jungle was nice
But way behind the times,
For two endangered hippos
With hip and trendy minds,
So they flew their ranch rover
To the city's neon glow,
Flavio and Marita,
The Hip Hippos!
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
===============================================
"LA BEHEMOTH" (Parody on "La Boheme")
Marita : (sung) Flavio, Flavio, Flavio!
Flavio : Marita, Marita, Marita!
F+M : What shall we do?
What will become of us two?
The help is gone, the maid is through,
What will become of us two?
Marita : I'm calling up the agency to get a new housekeeper
Flavio : She's calling up the agency to get a new housekeeper!
Marita : A chambermaid, a gourmet chef, a trendy carpet sweeper
Flavio : A chambermaid, a gourmet chef, a trendy carpet sweeper!
Marita : (spoken) Why are you repeating everything that I am singing?
Flavio : (sung) Why am I repeating everthing that you...
(spoken) I do not know.
Marita : (sung into phone) Hello, hello, Marita Hippo here,
I'm having an emergency, my life is filled with urgency,
We need to hire servancy, we need a new housekeeper!
(spoken) But...but...oh, very well.
Flavio : Marita, my poor wilting lily, what is the matter?
Marita : They cannot send us a new maid until Monday morning.
Flavio : Monday morning?!?
F+M : (sung) What shall we do?
What will become of us two?
Flavio : (spoken) Have no fear, Marita dear, I have a plan.
Marita : Prey tell, Flavio!
Flavio : (sung) I'll do the windows and push the vacuum
Polish the parlor, scrub out the bathroom!
(spoken) Ung! This is _hard_.
Marita : (sung) I will not worry, I will not fear,
I'll do laundry until help is here,
Fold the ruffles and starch the shirts,
I'll do laundry until it hurts!
(spoken) Aaii! This is really not so amusing!
Flavio : (sung) Dinner is easy, simple like a dream,
Cleaning the chicken... scrubbing the beans!
Add in two tablespoons into a pot,
Stir fry...until HOT! *BOOM!*
(spoken) Perhaps next time we take out Chinese.
Tickbirds : (sung) Poor little hippos, husband and wife,
They haven't a clue, they haven't a life,
A tragic conclusion, see how they cry,
Poor hippopotomi!
F+M : (sung) What will we do?
What will become of me and you?
(doorbell rings, maid returns)
Maid : (spoken) I forgot my featherduster.
Flavio : (sung) We realize we've been wrong, we treated you unfair,
How can we make it up...and show you how we care?
F+M : Come clean for us,
Come clean for us,
Come back and clean for us,
We'll give you anything you ask,
Just say you'll clean for us!
Maid : (spoken) Oh, alright.
F+M : (sung) She'll clean for us!
She'll clean for us!
She said she really will!
A happy ending, everyone,
She said she'll clean for us!!
Tickbird : (spoken) Now there's a twist, an opera with a happy ending.
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
(Corrections provided by Bill S. Preston esq.)
===============================================
YES, BROTHERS WARNER WE (M: Sir Arthur Sullivan (P.D.); L: Paul Rugg)
YW+D : We surf the sea!
The Warners we three be!
To catch a gaze
Of a beach to get some rays!
We'll never sink!
Our board's not what you think!
It's got a tail
In fact it is a whale!
Y+W : Yes! Brothers Warner we!
Dot : I'm the Warner Sister!
Yakko : You'd like her if you kissed her!
YW+D : We've surfed the seven seas
Now it's time to catch some z's!
Hey!
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
===============================================
YW+D: "OUR FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL" from "CHALKBOARD BUNGLE"
Yakko : School!
Dot : School!
Wakko : School!
YW+D : Schoo-oo-oo-oo-ool!
Our first day at school!
We're eager little learners!
So fill our brains with lots of facts
Our first day at school!
Yakko : Teach!
Dot : Teach!
Wakko : Teach!
YW+D : We're ready for our lessons,
So teach us Math, Geometry,
Don't forget Geography,
English Lit. and Chemestry,
And please throw in the A-B-C's!
Oh, teacher, teach us noooooow!
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
===============================================
YW+D: "WE'RE CHIMNEY SWEEPS" from "ROLL OVER BEETHOVEN"
Y+W : We're the von Warner Brothers
Dot : And the und Warner Sister, too
YW+D : We're chimney sweeps extraordinaire,
We'll clean your flue for you!
(Transcribed by Olivia D. Isaac )
===============================================
RITA CAT'S SONG FROM "THE CAT AND THE FIDDLE"
Rita : Somewhere I can hang my hat,
Somewhere for a dog and cat,
Somewhere just imagine that,
We'll find a place called home,
A place we've been searching for,
A place we've been waiting for,
So long we've been searching for,
So long a place called home;
They don't see us,
They'll never know,
But they could be us,
Like _that_ *slap's water*
Just like that;
Out here in the shadows and
Out here is a promised land,
Out here we-e'll understand
And make this place our home,
This place our home.
[LATER, after escaping from Stradivarius]
Rita : Out here in the shadows and
Out here is a promised land,
Out here as the day is long,
We'll find ourselves a home,
R+R : A place called home!
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
===============================================
CHICKEN-BOO INTRODUCTION THEME (AN118 "Chicken Boo-Rishnikov")
Chicken Boo, what's the matter with you?
You don't act like the other chickens do.
You wear a disguise to look like human guys
But you're not a man, you're a chicken, Boo.
(Submitted by Mark Hadley (hadleym@xanth.cs.orst.edu))
===============================================
WAKKO'S AMERICA (M: Traditional [Turkey in the Straw] L: Randy Rogel)
Wakko:
Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Indianapolis, Indiana, and Columbus is the capital
of Ohio; there's Montgomery, Alabama, south of Helena, Montana; then
there's Denver, Colorado, under Boise, Idaho
Texas has Austin, then we go north, to Massachusetts, Boston, and Albany,
New York; Tallahassee, Florida, and Washington, D. C., Santa Fe, New
Mexico, and Nashville, Tennessee.
Elvis used to hang out there a lot, ya know
Trenton'n in New Jersey north of Jefferson, Missouri, you got Richmond in
Virginia, South Dakota has Pierre; Harrisburg's in Pennsylvania and
Augusta's up in Maine, and here is Providence, Rhode Island next to
Dover, Delaware.
Concord, New Hampshire, just a quick jaunt, to Montpelier, which is up in
Vermont, Hartford's in Connecticut, so pretty in the fall, and Kansas has
Topeka, Minnesota has St. Paul
Juneau's in Alaska and there's Lincoln in Nebraska, and it's Raleigh in
North Carolina, and then there's Madison, Wisconsin, and Olympia in
Washington, Phoenix, Arizona, and Lansing, Michigan
Here's Honolulu, Hawaii's a joy, Jackson, Mississippi, and Springfield,
Illinois, South Carolina with Columbia down the way, and Annapolis in
Maryland on Chesapeake Bay
They have wonderful clam chowder
Cheyenne is in Wyomin' and perhaps you make your home in, Salt Lake City out
in Utah, where the Buffalo roam; Atlanta's down in Georgia, and there's
Bismarck, North Dakota, and you can live in Frankfort in your old
Kentucky home
Salem in Oregon, from there we join, Little Rock in Arkansas, Iowa's got Des
Moines; Sacramento, California, Oklahoma and its city, Charleston, West
Virginia, and Nevada, Carson City
That's all the capitals there are!
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
===============================================
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU EAT (M: Jacques Offenbach (P.D.); L: Randy Rogel)
Wakko : Hey! Let's get some ice cream!
Dot : How 'bout this one? Fruit Fudge Butterscotch Almond Prelaine
Delight
Yakko : Ingredients:
Zinc trisodium, aspartate,
Sorbitol and bisulfate,
Oxide beta carotene,
Lactic acid, carob bean.
(sung)
Yakko : Grade A milk emulsified, malto-dextrin alkalide,
silicon deoxylite, lots of sugar,
W+D : Hey, alright!
Yakko : Calcified synthetic salt, artificial barley malt,
Glycerine and aspartate, folic Acid
Dot : That tastes great!
YW+D : Monosodium glutamate, dehydrated calceinate;
soybean oil, butter fat, caramel center
Wakko : I'll eat that!
YW+D Hooray for sugar, 'cause we love it, chocolate chips,
we want more of it,
cakes and ice cream, watch us shove it,
down our throats real fast.
Yakko : Here's a candy bar, you tried it?
Wakko : Hey, let's all see what's inside it
Yakko : Gelatinized triglycerin, phospate soybean lecithin,
deoxylite tri-silicon,
dipped in chocolate
W+D : Bring it on!
Yakko : Citrus enzymes, BHT, powdered milk
Dot : Sounds good to me!
Yakko : Baking soda, carob gum, carbohydrates
W+D : Yummy yum!
YW+D : Monosodium glutamate, zinc disodium algenate,
Whole grain flour, yeast and fat,
Time to eat it, I'll do that
[2] We like sweets a lot, but they make your insides rot,
[2] So remember it's your body and the only one you've got
[3] We like sweets a lot, so give us all you've got,
[3] And we will stuff 'em in our bodies
till they make our insides rot.
NOTES:
[2] The printed lyrics are also what is sung on the CD.
[3] This is what was sung when the cartoon was broadcast on TV.]
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
===============================================
YW+D: "HERCULE YAKKO INTRODUCTION SONG" from "HERCULE YAKKO"
YW+D : We'll investigate,
collaborate,
red herrings we'll eliminate,
We'll solve this mys'try for you!
Wakko: Though we haven't got a clue
(Transcribed by Olivia D. Isaac )
===============================================
RITA CAT'S SONG FROM "HOME ON DE-NILE"
Rita : (spoken) Being a goddess ain't half bad.
(sung) Oh, you kid,
You've got it made 'neath the great pyramid,
Gotta say I like this lifestyle,
Talkin' 'bout my hoooome on the muddy Nile;
Call me greedy,
But give me more,
Treat me like Queen Nefertiti,
Build me a palace fit for Ramses, too,
I bet you'd rather be me than yo-oou;
Oh, I can't fuss,
No longer on a lonely ex-odus,
Gotta tall ya that I'm satisfied,
All wrapped up in love like I was mummified,
All wrapped up in love...
Bra doot da do da-dood da da doo
Like I was...mum-mified!
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
===============================================
THE PLANETS (M: Richard Stone; L: Paul Rugg)
Yakko : The closest to the Sun
Is the planet Mercury
Next the shrouded planet Venus
Is as cloudy as can be
The Earth is next, we call it home
Let's hope it stays that way
And then there's Mars, it's really red
What more can I say!
The gassy planet Jupiter's
As big as planets come
Then there's Saturn with its mighty
Rings made up of tiny crumbs
We travel on to Neptune
That's a gassy, freezing ball
And cold and tiny Pluto
It's the furthest one of all.
There you go, that's our solar system.
Wakko : You forgot Uranus.
Yakko : *KISS* Goodnight, everybody.
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
===============================================
BRAIN'S SONG FROM "BUBBA-BO-BOB-BRAIN"
Brain (strumming):
I am a lab mouse, I escaped from a cage,
Never had a job, never earned minimum wage,
(more country strumming =)
But you will respect me...*YES*!...when my plan is unfurrrrrrrrled,
You'll call me your leader, I'll be King Of The World
(more country strumming)
...now, Pinky! =) (and Pinky plays a tape recording and such)
(Transcribed by Steve Kramer, Email skramer@nyx.cs.du.edu)
===============================================
AN135 - or "MIXING UP THE SCRIPTS" episode:
(intro song) - sung by Y, W, D
A dash of Pinky and the Brain
A cup of Slappy Squirrel
A tablespoon of Goodfeathers, add Rita, Runt, and swirl
We add a pinch of hippos
Buttons and Mindy too
Now top it off with Skippy Squirrel
What's that make?
Animaniacs stew!
"Mindy and the Brain"
They're Mindy and the Brain, Mindy and the Brain
One's a small child, the other's... the Brain
He uses his lobe, to overthrow the globe
She's whimsy, they're Mindy and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.
(end verse)
He's stinky, they're Mindy and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.
"Pinky and the Cat" - sung by Y, W, D
They're Pinky and the Cat, yes, Pinky and the Cat
Her name is Rita, he's a lab rat
(Pinky: A mouse!)
They live inside a cage, making less than minimum wage
It's dinky, they're Pinky and the Cat, Cat, Cat, Cat, Cat.
(end verse)
She ate the rat, 'cause Rita is a cat, cat, cat, cat, cat.
(second interlude - sung by Y, W, D to "I've Been Working on the Railroad")
D: We've been mixing up the scripts
W: All the livelong day
Y: Putting characters together
Who normally wouldn't go
(third interlude - sung by Y, W, D)
We found this old computer
And then we fixed it up
We threw in all the characters
And now they're all mixed up.
"Dotty the Squirrel"
She's the crankiest of creatures in the whole wide world
This short cartoon features Dotty the Squirrel
(Dot: The name's Dot. Call me Dotty and you die.)
That's Dotty!
(Dot: I warned you. [pulls bomb out of purse and throws it])
"Baghdad Cafe"
Y: We're the Warner Brothers, we like to sing a lot
My name's Yakko
W: My name's Wakko
Y+W: And here's our sister...
S: Slappy. I'm the cute one. (pause) I don't get it.
(end couplet)
Y+W: Our story is over, it's ending is happy
Thanks to Yakko, Wakko, and our sister... Slappy.
S: Next time, I'm asking for script approval.
(Transcribed by Paul J. Lee, Email niteowl@panix.com)
===============================================
KATIE KA-BOOM THEME
She's Katie Ka-Boom, Katie Ka-Boom
She lives in a house with a garden in bloom
Her family knows that anytime soon
Their little lady Katy goes ka-boom.
(Transcribed by Paul J. Lee, Email niteowl@panix.com)
===============================================
The Muska-Warners Song
We're the muskateers and we're very proud to say
That through the years in the face of danger
We have run away
But hey! thats ok,
What did you expect for this take-home pay?
We're the muskateers; we drive a Chevorlet,
Swing on chandaliers and have thrilling swordfights
Many times a day
It may sound cliche
But it was either this or sell Amway!
So clean out those filthy dirty ears
Its time to meet the musketeers!
[spoken]
Dot: Musketeers roll call!
Yakko: Yakkos!
Wakko: Wakkos!
Dot: Dot'angan!
[singing again]
Now we'l carve our initials in your rear
Cause we are the three musketeers!!
===============================================
YW+D: "KING'S LULLABY" from "THE THREE MUSKA-WARNERS"
YW+D: Hush little King, please don't cry,
We're going to sing you a lullaby,
A big scary monster man is coming for you,
He'll gobble you up like chunk beef stew!
MMWAAHH!( All three kiss the king)
Goodnight.
(Transcribed by O.G. Shofner)
===============================================
"DO YOUR EARS HANG LOW?"
YWD+SGT SWEETE :
Do your ears hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them ov'r your shoulder
Like a Continental Soldier?
Do your EARS HANG LOW!
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
===============================================-
AN138 : The Musical Misadventures of Minstrel Mouse Pinky
(each verse sung to the first two lines of the English folk song,
Greensleeves)
P: I wish I were a windowsill
So I could be a...uh... um...
B: An imbecile?
P: Odds bodkins! Good rhyme, Brain. Heh. Narf.
P: He conquered the world without effort or pain
He's the boss, they call him...er... call him...
B: Brain.
P: Oh. Righto, Brain. Good one.
P: We're in the woods, all dark and inky
To conquer the world go Brain and ...la la something...
B: Pinky.
P: Oh. That fits. Narf.
P: We strolled right past a candy house
Made of sweets that taste good to a... uh..ooh...
B: Mouse.
P: To find the dragon, all hot with steam
We must cross this little...brook, no, um, fjord...
B: Stream. It rhymes with steam.
P: Oh. Right again, Brain.
P: The Murky Mountain's the end of the trail
Soon we'll have a dragon's... uh, drag...
B: Toenail. A red dragon's toenail. And once we possess it, Pinky,
nothing will stand between us and total world domination.
P: We walked into the dragon's cave
I was scared, but Brain was.. was... uh...
B: BRAVE! (echo, echo, echo)
P: Go, my dragon, to sleepyland
It's dreamy time, here comes the sand...um...sandboy?
B: Sand Man, Pinky. Sand MAN! (echo echo echo)
P: Brain's the boss, he'll rule with ease
He's number one, the big... um, the big banana, uh coconut, um er...
B: Big Cheese. It rhymes with ease. Big Cheese.
*** poof ***
P: We'll try again to prove our worth
Escape from the cage, and conquer the... guh...
B: Earth, Pinky. Y'know, I've been thinking a lot about you and your
music. Might I see that?
P: Sure, Brain.
*** wham ***
B: (finally smiles) That was very therapeutic.
YWD: One's a genius, the other's insane
They're Pinky and the...uh... Brain.
================================================
"I'M NOBODY'S MAMA" from "SMITTEN WITH KITTENS"
John Payson:
You'll have to excuse me for the one spot where my memory fails. The
episode's buried on a tape somewhere :-| and I don't have time to find
it. Besides, I want to test my memory. :-) Let me know how I did.
Places I think I might have been wrong are marked in <>'s.
Rita:
I'm nobody's Mama; got no family.
I'm a career cat, and my career's all about me.
No one can tie me down, I'm going places,
Straighten up, don't make those sad faces.
It's rude. [Meowma?] All right I'll get food.
I'm too independent; they're so small.
How can I care for them? Do I care at all?
I could never stand
"Help me Mama, Feed me Mama, Need me Mama, don't Leave me Mama."
I'd never tolerate that.
On the other hand,
"Oh, my Mama, I love you my Mama. I would never leave you Mama."
No! You've got the wrong cat!
And did I mention
They'll want too much attention.
How can I look at them now every minute--
I've got to tell you my heart isn't in it--
And I won't let my heart talk.
'Cause it's ruled by my biological clock
which is ticking away.
No way!
I mean what I say >! I'm a single cat stray!
I'm nobody's mama!
(Transcribed by John Payson, Email supercat@mcs.com)
(With corrections from Olivia D. Isaac )
================================================
YW+D: "THE DELI SONG" from "BROADCAST NUISANCE"
YW+D: Were from Salmonellas Coffee Shop
Eat our food and your bound to drop
Then the only thing that's left to do
Is head to the potty and
Spew Spew Spew!
Salmonellas!
Dot : We're Beatrice!!
(Transcribed by O.G. Shofner)
===============================================
GOODFEATHERS INTRODUCTION THEME (from "RAGING BIRD")
(Loosly to the tune of "That's Amore!")
Male Voice : When the birds hit the street
Looking for food to eat,
That's Goodfeathers!
Female Voices: That's Goodfeathers!
Male Voice : And I'm cooing at you
And you're cooing at me,
That's Goodfeathers!
Take no guff
'Cause there's stuff
Though their stuff's
No cream puff,
That's Goodfeathers!
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
===============================================
THE SENSES (M: Randy Rogel; L: Randy Rogel and Tom Ruegger)
Yakko : The sense of sight
Is what guides us right
When we go out on walks
Wakko : The sense of smell's
The way you tell
That you need to change your socks
Dot : The sense of touch
Is what hurts so much
When you bang your toe on the bed
Yakko : The sense of hearing is something good
'Cause if a tree falls in the wood
Would there be a sound? You bet there would
YW+D : If it landed on top of your head
Your head
If a tree lands on top of your head
Wakko : The sense of taste
Affects your waist
Yakko : Which makes five senses in all
Dot : There's a sixth sense, too, but it's hard to explain
It's a psychic connection inside of your brain
So you can understand people like Shirley Maclaine
YW+D : Who wear crystals they bought in the mall
The mall
Who wear crystals they bought in the mall
Dot : There are scents you can smell
Like Cologne from Chanel
Or the scents of expensive perfume
Yakko : There are scents of flowers
We hope overpowers
The kitty box next to your room
Phew!
Wakko : There's a sense of pride
You have deep down inside
Yakko : When you practice a sense of fair play
Dot : There are dollars and cents that you pay at a toll
Yakko : Or the census man who is taking a poll
Wakko : And a sense of confusion; we're out of control
YW+D : And they really should take us away
Away
They really should take us away
Dot : There's a sense of humor
A sense of doom, or a sense of awe
Sense of timing
Yakko : The sense of word
A sense of absurd
Like trying to do all this rhyming
Dot : There's incense
Wakko : And horse sense
Yakko : And common sense, it's true
Dot : Sense of wonder
Sense of beauty
Wakko : Sense of honor
Sense of duty
Yakko : A sense of doubt
A sense of danger
Dot : A sense of fear, when you meet a stranger
A sense of style, a sense of worth
Yakko : A sense of direction for knowing the earth
YW+D : A sense of dread as we're singing this song
That it's starting to turn out completely all wrong
And it's time that we end it because it's too long
'Cause it just doesn't make any sense
Nonsense
This song doesn't make any sense
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
================================================
DOT'S INTRO THEME (or "Mary Tyler Dot")
Who can turn the stove on with her smile?
Who can take a bubble bath and suddenly fill it with crocodiles?
'Cause it's you, Dot, and you should know it
Put nitro on a bridge, go ahead and blow it
Mud is all around, I guess it's spring
Name another crooner, other than Bing
Don't throw your hat up in the air
'Cause what might land is a Frigidaire.
Dot!
(Transcribed by Paul J. Lee, Email niteowl@panix.com)
================================================
VIDEO REVUE (M & L: Randy Rogel)
Yakko : Hey, look at this store!
Wakko : There's movies galore!
Dot : We've seen 'em all a thousand times over before
YW+D : And that's why our brains don't work anymore
Yakko : "The Player" is a movie about finding fresh new scripts...
Like "Rambo 3"...
And "Rocky 5"...
And "Star Trek" Number 6
Dot : Eva Joined with Zsa Zsa and they formed a "Sister Act"
But both were "Unforgiven" because neither one could act
Wakko :"The Hand That Rocked The Cradle" once belonged to "Hook", you see
But it got bored and so it joined "The Addams Family"
Yakko : "Amadeus" was a genius
"Beethoven" was a dog
The "Muppet Family Christmas" is about a pig and frog
Dot : There was a sled named Rosebud
And a "Citizen" named "Kane"
He rode it till the snow was melted
Now he's "Singin' In The Rain"
Wakko : The "Princess Bride" got married to the handsome "Prince Of Tides"
Which now makes her dad "The Fisher King", the "Father Of The Bride"
YW+D : And pretty soon you'll find them all inside the "TV Guide"
Along with all the stars you like to see!
Dot : Like Hitchcock and Spielberg and Oliver Stone
Yakko : Shirley Maclaine and Sylvester Stallone
Wakko : Francis Ford Coppola, Hepburn, and Tracy
Dot : Robert Zemeckis and Martin Scorcese
Yakko : Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, Woody Allen, and Mia
Wakko : Robert Deniro and Andy Garcia
Dot : Sophia Loren, Barbra Streisand, Joan Crawford
Yakko : Paul Newman, Rock Hudson, Spike Lee, Peter Lawford
YW+D : Jack Nicholson, Brando, and Marilyn Monroe...
And that's all the people we know!
YWD+& : We're glad the dinosaur is gone, he was an easy mark
But if we ever miss him we can rent "Jurassic Park"
YW+D : So when it comes to clunkers like "The Babe" or like "Presidio"
Don't pay $7.50, just catch 'em on home video
As for us it's bye-bye time, so long now toodle-oo
We've had quite enought of this video revue
& - Indicates other voices in addition to YW+D
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
================================================
YW+D: "Carrol Burnett Theme" Parody
YW+D : We're so sad we've no more time together,
Just to drop an anvil on your head,
And stuff your pockets full of dynamite,
And tie you to a rhino's head!
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
===============================================
A CHRISTMAS PLOTZ
Part 1: Christmas Past
Plotz answers his phone: Hello?
Wakko: Hiya, Plotzie!
Plotz: GAAHH! What do YOU want?!?
Wakko: I want YOU!
(sung)
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past
And all the folks that you've harassed
They're glad that I am here at last
'Cause Mister C.E.O -
It's movie time, relax and see
As we climb up your family tree
And look at how you used to be
Many years ago!
(spoken)
"It's SHOWTIME!"
Part 2: Christmas Present
Plotz opens his present: Probably another fruitcake.
Dot: Who you calling a fruitcake?!? I'm the Ghost of
Christmas Present! (It's a pun - get it?)
(sung)
Thaddeus Plotz, you mean old man
Causing pain wherever you can
It's all about to hit the fan
You greedy C.E.O!
You're guilty in the first degree
Of causing pain and misery
Now it's time for you to see -
So hang on, here we go!
Part 3: Christmas Future
Yakko: THADDEUS PLOTZ! Hello! I'll be your Ghost of Christmas
Future this evening!
(sung)
Relax!
Chill out!
Forget
About
Your cares!
(spoken)
This is a man who knows what he wants - he's also a man
NOBODY wants!
(sung)
Come on -
It's time
For you
To climb
These stairs!
(spoken)
You got a good head on your shoulders, Plotz - too bad
you haven't got a neck!
(sung)
Show 'em what you can do
Plotz: (spoken) This is stupid!
Yakko: (sung) The Future's waiting for you
Plotz: (spoken) Leave me alone!
Yakko: (sung) Come on Plotz,
'Cause you've got lots
To see before we're through!
Dancing Girls: He's a dream!
Hear us scream
His name: PLOTZ!!!
Had no fun
And he's the one to blame!
Yakko: (spoken) Helloooo NURSES! Say, why don't you stop by the water
tower and I'll show you my stamp collection!"
Girl: But Yakko - you don't have a stamp collection!"
Yakko: All right then, you can open my mail!"
Girls: (sung) There's nothing he can't do!
Yakko: (spoken) They're CRAZY about me!
Girls: (sung) He's handsome, yes it's true!
Yakko: (spoken) Let me know when those costumes get heavy < RROWRR! >
Yakko and Girls: (sung) Come on Plotz,
'Cause you've lots
To see
Be-
For-
We're -
Yakko: (spoken) You know what I like about you, Plotz? Absolutely
nothing!
Plotz: "YAAAHHHHHHH!!!
Yakko and Girls: (sung) THROUGH!!!
(Thanx to both Eric Walker and "Bill S. Preston esq." )
===============================================
YW+D : "WE THREE SHEPHERDS" from "THE LITTLE DRUMMER WARNERS"
(Only the lyrics altered from the original "We Three Kings")
YW+D : We three shepherds travelling far
How we wish that we had a car,
We cannot sleep
'Cause with the sheep
We're following yonder star
[And then on with the original from here]
(Transcribed by Olivia D. Isaac )
================================================
YW+D: "Slippin' on the Ice"
YWD: We're slippin' on the ice
Just slippin' on the ice
For a fabulous pratfall, just follow this advice
YW: Let your feet take a flip
Dot: I've broken my hip
YWD: We're slippin' and slidin' on the ice!
Dot: I've fallen and I can't get up.
(Transcribed by Kevin J. Podsiadlik, Email hampton@umcc.umich.edu)
=====================================================
"'Twas the Day Before Christmas"
Slappy: 'Twas the day before Christmas, and winter's deep freeze
But in Burbank, L.A., it was ninety degrees
Now, tonight is the night Santa comes to the lot
Bringing presents for Yakko, Wakko, and Dot
The kids were excited, they rushed to prepare
But others looked on with a growing despair
CEO: These gifts for the Warners, someone's got to see to it
They must be delivered, I want you to do it
Otto: But I did it last year, or have you forgot
Those kids drove me bonkies, and kissed me a lot
They made me stay up singing carols all night
And then I got creamed in that big pillow fight
Nurse: But why bring them presents, when Santa will do?
CEO: It's a clause in their contract, if we don't, they can sue
There must be a person who'll deliver this stuff
But where can I find someone stupid enough?
Ralph: Duh, good night, Mr. Costner, go ahead, pass on by
Merry Christmas.
Mindy: Okay, I love ya, bye-bye!
Ralph: Good night, Mr. Hippo.
Flavio: Good night to you, too
Marita: Come along, Flavio, we've more shopping to do!
Runt: I'm hungry.
Rita: Be quiet! We don't want to get caught
There might be some trash cans with food on the lot
Ralph: Duh, good night, Mr. Keaton, that's a lovely sedan
CEO: Give him a Santa suit! Ralph is our man!
Yakko: So, 'twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Dot: Some creatures were stirring,
Wakko: including a mouse
Brain: Tonight, my dear Pinky, our plan is unfurled
We steal Santa's sleigh and take over the world!
Pinky: Brain, you're a genius. You simply astound me
Brain: Aaaaaaaahhhh!
Pinky: Narf! Brain's gonna pound me
Dot: The stockings were hung so our names clearly showed
Wakko: In the hopes that ol' Santa would leave a big load!
(Yakko: Mwah! Goodnight everybody!)
Yakko: The children were nestled all fast in their beds
Wakko: While visions of sugarplums danced in our heads
(Wakko: Deee-licious!)
Yakko: We were all feeling tired when we turned out the light (click....click)
Forget it, there's no way I'm sleeping tonight
Dot: When out on the lot there arose such a rumble
Yakko: We sprang from our beds
Wakko: and we all took a tumble
Yakko: And what do our wondering eyes do we view...?
Dot: But a cat and a dog in the garbage, peyoo!
Yakko: Then, to our surprise, we heard distant banters
Of a miniature sleigh and eight pigeons with antlers
Pesto: I'm dying here, ooh!
Squit: This sure ain't no fun
Bobby: The guy in the suit, he must weigh a ton!
Dot: With a little ol' driver so lively and quick
Wakko: We knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
Ralph: Duh, now Bobby, now Squit, now Pesto, now Vixen!
On Comet! On Cupid! On Richard and Nixon!
To the top of the tower, come on now, let's fly!
Pesto: I just got a hernia thanks to this guy!
Yakko: So up to the rooftop, Santa was hurled!
Brain: As soon as it lands, we'll take over the world! (wham, stomp)
Pinky, I am in considerable pain
Pinky: Narf! Zot! Poit! Gat! I'm with you, Brain
Yakko: It was a time of excitement, the moment drew near!
Dot: There was no doubt about it,
Wakko: Santa was here!
Squit: Your antlers look cute, Pesto.
Pesto: All right, that's it! (ow, ow, ow)
Bobby: Hey, Pesto, it's Christmas, quit whackin' on Squit!
Yakko: And while the pigeons with antlers were having their kicks
Santa fell through the roof like a sack full of bricks
Dot: He was dressed all in fur, with a glaze in his eyes
'Cause the fall knocked him silly.
Ralph: Uh, Happy Easter, you guys!
Wakko: His face, how it twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
Dot: His cheeks were like roses.
Yakko: His gut, that was scary
Wakko: He said not a word, but instead went right to it
He emptied his bag.
Ralph: Uh, that ought to do it!
Yakko: Then laying his finger inside of his nose
(Which the dear network censor finds totally gross)
Wakko: Lumbering, up the treetop he rose!
Dot: He sprang to his sleigh, and signalled the flock
Ralph: Duh, giddyup birdies!
Yakko: Then they dropped like a rock
Wakko: And we heard him exclaim, from up high in the sky!
Santa: Season's greetings to all!
Yakko: And we saw him fly by
Runt: Thanks Santa!
Rita: We mean it!
Runt: Yeah, thanks a whole lot!
Santa: And Merry Christmas to Yakko, Wakko, and Dot!
Skippy: And Merry Christmas, Aunt Slappy, and to you girls and boys
As for me, (yawn) I'm going downstairs to open my toys
--
(Transcribed by Kevin J. Podsiadlik, Email hampton@umcc.umich.edu)
===============================================
I'M MAD (M & L: Randy Rogel)
Dr.SNS: Wake up
It's late!
It's twenty minutes after eight
Everyone get up, it's time to go
Up and at 'em now, come on, shake a leg
Have some juice and scrambled egg
On the floor and out the door, let's get on our way
Dot : Hey, watch out!
Yakko : What's the matter?
Dot : You almost knocked me off the ladder
Yakko : No I didn't
Dot : Yes you did, I almost fell
Yakko : Don't exagerrate
Dot : I'm not
Yakko : Yeah, right
Dot : Are you trying to pick a fight?
Yakko : Will you get out of my face?!
Dot : Well, you're always in my space
Dr.SNS: Hey get off each other's case because we're trying to get along
Wakko : I want pancakes or a waffle, this tastes awful
Is that all we've got!
Can't find my clothes, and I need to blow my nose, and my socks
are full holes and my shoelace has a knot
Dot : That's my toothbrush
Yakko : No it's not
Dot : Well, it's sitting in my slot
Yakko : No it isn't, this is mine and that one's yours
Dot : Well, you're standing in my way
Yakko : Yeah, that's tough
Dr.SNS: Alright now that's enough, everybody get your stuff because we're
going out the door
Dr.SNS: Every time we get into the car it's so much work
it takes us twenty minutes while you're driving me berserk
With your playing and your jumping and your running all about
When I finally get you inside, you always lock me out!
Dot : I'm mad, I'm mad, I'm really, really, really mad, you poked me
with your elbow in my side
Yakko : No I didn't!
Dot : Yes you did
Yakko : Nuh-uh
Dot : You did, and I'm just a little kid, you're lying, don't deny it
Yakko : Oh, I'm gonna hit you
Dot : Yeah, just try it
Dr.SNS: Will both of you be quiet 'cause we're driving in a car!
Dot : Ow, he hit me!
Yakko : Ow, she bit me!
Dot : He said he's gonna "get me"
Yakko : No I didn't
Dot : Yes you did!
Dr.SNS: Alright that's it now I forbid either of you to say another word!
Wakko : Are we there yet? I'm tired. I'm hungry. How far?
My nose is snotty, need to move my body, gotta use the potty,
better stop the car
Dot : Stop it!
Yakko : No, you stop it
Dr.SNS: Why can't you both just drop it?
Dot : Well, he started it
Yakko : Oh, yeah, I'm really sure, uh-huh
Dot : Na-ah
Yakko : Uh-uh
Dot : It's your fault
Yakko : No it's not. Your leg is in my spot
Dr.SNS: Yakko you be quiet, and that goes for you too, Dot!
Every time we take a trip it's always just the same
With the fighting and the biting and the calling all those names
Then there's pushing and there's shoving and there's scratching
on the neck
When we finally get to where we're going, everyone's a wreck!
Y+D : Yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak!
Dot : I'm mad, I'm mad, I'm really, really, really mad, you poked me
with your elbow in my side
Wakko : Are we there yet! I'm tired. I'm hungry
Yakko : No I didn't!
Wakko : How far!
Dot : Yes, you did, you did, and I'm just a little kid
Wakko : My nose is snotty, Need to move my body
Dr.SNS: Will both of you be quiet 'cause we're driving in a car!
Wakko : Gotta use the potty, better stop the car
Dr.SNS: We're here, we're here Doesn't anybody want to give a cheer!
Yakko : You mean this is where we're all gonna spend the day?
Dot : At the circus?!
Wakko : Hey, guys, look, they got rides!
Dr.SNS: Now you're satisfied?
Alright everyone inside and let's have some fun, okay?
Dot : I'm glad, I'm glad,
What a really great time we had
Did you see those lions and those tigers, weren't they neat?
Dr.SNS: Are you happy now?
Dot : We are thanks alot, I'm sorry that we fought, from now on I'll
get along
Yakko : That's alright, Dot, I was wrong
Dr.SNS: Ah that's nice, now come along let's all get in the car
Dot : You can take the seat you like, you're always so gallant
Yakko : Ah, thank you, Dot, but ladies first, you take the seat you want
Dr.SNS: Everybody's happy now, we've had a real good day
And now it's time to go back home, so let's be on our way
Dot : You hit me
Yakko : No I didn't
Dot : Yes you did. Stop it!
Yakko : No you stop it
Dot : Move your leg
Yakko : No, you move your leg
Dot : You started it
Yakko : No I didn't, you did
Dot : No I didn't, you did
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
===============================================
SCHNITZELBANK (M: traditional; L: Randy Rogel)
Otto : Ist das nicht ein piece of chalk?
Y+D(*): Ya das ist ein piece of chalk
Otto : Ist das nicht ein key and lock?
Y+D : Ya das ist ein key and lock
YD+O : Piece of chalk, key and lock
YWD+O : Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Schnitzelbank
Otto : Are we having fun yet?
Otto : Ist das nicht ein cuckoo clock?
Y+D : Ya das ist ein cuckoo clock
Otto : Does it nicht go tick tick tock?
Y+D : Ya it does go tick tick tock.
YD+O : Cuckoo clock, tick tick tock.
Piece of chalk, key and lock
YWD+O : Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Schnitzelbank!
Otto : You see, it's a very easy song. Would you like to try?
Yakko : Oh, gee, professor, that'd be great! What should I sing about?
Otto : Anything that you want. The secret is to just have fun, okay?
Okay!
Yakko : Ist das nicht ein piece of bread?
WD+O : Ya das ist ein piece of bread
Yakko : Does it fit in Wakko's head?
WD+O : Ya it fits in Wakko's head
YW+O : Piece of bread, Wakko's head
YWD+O : Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Schnitzelbank!
Dot : Here, let me try!
Dot : Is he not a cute man this?
YW+O : Ya he is a cute man this
Dot : Is this not a great big kiss? *SMOOCH*
YW+O : Ya dis ist ein great big kiss!
YW+D : Cute man this, great big kiss
YW+D : Piece of bread, Wakko's head
YWD+O : Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Schnitzelbank!
Wakko : Here, I've got one
Wakko : Is das nicht Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer?
YD+O : Ya das is Otto von Schnitzelpusskrankengescheitmeyer
Wakko : Ist das nicht ein incredibly long name to have to try and say?
YD+O : Ya das ist ein incredibly long name to have to try and say?
YW+D : Cute man this, Great big kiss
YW+D : Piece of bread, Wakko's head
YWD+O : Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Schnitzelbank!
Otto : Hey, you kids is pretty good!
Yakko : We're just gettin' warmed up!
Yakko : Is das nicht ein Otto's gut?
WD+O : Ya dis ist ein Otto's gut!
Yakko : Ist das nicht ein Otto's butt?
WD+O : Ya das ist ein Otto's butt
YW+D : Otto's gut, Otto's butt,
YWD+O Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Schnitzelbank
Otto : Okay, I think you've got the idea
Wakko : Ist das nicht ein pair of pants?
Y+D : Ya das ist ein pair of pants
Wakko : Ist das underwear from France?
Y+D : Ya dat's underwear from France
YW+D : Pair of pants, shorts from France,
Otto's gut, Otto's butt,
YWD+O : Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Schnitzelbank!
Dot : Ist das nicht ein hairy chest?
Y+W : Yas das ist ein hairy chest
Dot : Ist dis man no longer dressed?
Y+W : Ya dis man's no longer dressed
YW+D : Hairy chest, he's not dressed
Pair of pants, shorts from France,
Otto's gut, Otto's butt,
YWD+O : Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Oh, du schoene
Schnitzelbank!
(*) Listen very carefully to this track. Otto and Wakko only speak
over each other for the chorus. Must have something to do with the
fact that Welker did the voices of both characters, non?
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
===============================================
I'M CUTE (M & L: Randy Rogel)
Dot : I'm cute, yes it's true
I really can't help it
But what can I do
When you're cute, it just shows
With these two darling eyes and a cute little nose
And a pretty pink dress, that's adorable, yes
And when they see my dimples then everyone says
Crowd : Oh shoot!
Isn't she cute!
Y+W : Cute, cute
Oh, isn't she cute, cute, cute
Dot : I'm the one they adore I'm sweet and I'm cuddly
And small just like Dudley but more
It's a chore
To be constantly cute
And enchanting to boot
When my lip's sticking out
in that cute little pout
Then there just is no doubt
Why the guys like to shout
Y+W : She's a beaut
Dot : Let's face it, I'm cute
Y+W : Cute, cute
Oh, baby, she's cute, cute, cute
Dot : Being cute's a thing you can't hide
If you look up the word in a book
There's my picture inside!
"TV Guide"
Has me on the cover
Y+W : Don'cha just love her?
I'm simply a goddess
Y+W : And isn't she modest?
I'm the answer to one of the questions on Trivial Pursuit
For "Who's the most cute?"
Y+W : Cute, cute
Oh, isn't she cute, cute, cute
Dot : I'm cute and I'm sweet
And I'm innocent, neat
And so trusting
Y+W : If you want our opinion this song is becoming disgusting
Dot : I'm cute
Y+W : So what!
Dot : I never am vain
Yakko : She's becoming a pain in the...
Dot : But I'm also real nice
I'm a doll through and through
Y+W : So big whoop-de-do
Dot : I'm sweet and adoring
Y+W : And also real boring
And that's why we're snoring at you
Dot : That's it! You've ruined my entire cute song!
I am angry! I am furious! I am enraged!
I have had it!
Yakko : You're awfully cute when you're angry
Dot : You really think so?
A babba dabba dooba do wah!
She's cute!
(Transcribed by one of the following:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, or John M. Turner)
===============================================
TRAILER: "New Show: Animaniacs on FOX!" (Yakko, to the "Can-Can" tune)
Yakko :
m an Animaniac
Some people say I'm out of whack
You can't miss our wild new show
With my cute sis, and my bro
We all act like we're insane
Along with Pinky and the Brain
Bobby, Squit, and Pesto
Scratchansniff, Hip Hippos
Rita, Runt, Chicken Boo
Slappy too
We dance and sing
and do all kinds of crazy things
Oh we're the amazing Animaniacs
===============================================
TRAILER: "Happy Holidays!" (YW+D, to the tune of "Deck the Halls")
Yakko : Deck the halls with smelly stockings!
YW+D : Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Dot : 'Tis the season to go shopping!
YW+D : Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Wakko : Holidays make us more loony!
YW+D : Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Dot : Join the fun on our cartoon-y!
YW+D : Watch us crazy Animaniacs!
Yakko : (spoken) Happy holidays from the Animaniacs and all your
friends at FOX!
(Transcribed by the Corinthian)
===============================================
CREDITS:
A hale and hardy hurrah and hello to the contributers to this file!
Special thanks to:
Will Bell, Paul Hendry, Chris Redinger, John M. Turner, Michael
Russel, Kevin J. Podasaidlik, David Moisan, Mark Hadley, Paul J. Lee,
Steve Kramer, David Tallman, John Payson, Eric Walker, Craig Vogel,
O.G. Shofner, David Webb, , Olivia D. Isaac,
and Yakko Warner .
Without their assistance, this file would be LONG overdue!
*******************************************************************************
_You're Only Human (Second Wind)_ -Billy Joel
You're having a hard time and lately you don't feel so good
You're getting a bad reputation in your neighborhood
It's alright, it's alright
Sometimes that's what it takes
You're only human, you're allowed to make your share of mistakes
You better believe there will be times in your life
When you'll be feeling like a stumbling fool
So take it from me you'll learn more from your accidents
Than anything you could ever learn at school
Don't forget your second wind
Sooner or later you'll get your second wind
It's not always easy to be living in this world of pain
You're gonna be crashing into stone walls again and again
It's alright, it's alright
Though you feel your heart break
You're only human, you're gonna have to deal with heartache
Just like a boxer in a title fight
You got to walk in that ring all alone
You're not the only one who's made mistakes
But they're the only things that you can truly call your own
Don't forget your second wind
Wait in your corner until that breeze blows in
You've been keeping to yourself these days
Cause you're thinking everything's gone wrong
Sometimes you just want to lay down and die
That emotion can be so strong
But hold on
Till that old second wind comes along
You probably don't want to hear advice from someone else
But I wouldn't be telling you if I hadn't been there myself
It's alright, it's alright
Sometimes that's all it takes
We're only human
We're supposed to make mistakes
But I survived all those long lonely days
When it seemed I did not have a friend
Cause all I needed was a little faith
So I could catch my breath and face the world again
Don't forget your second wind
Sooner or later you'll feel that momentum kick in
*******************************************************************************
_ILLUMINATI_
-- To the tune of "Eleanor Rigby"
11-07-88
Steve Jackson, Joe Vail, Creede Lambard
I know that they know all about me...
They know that I know all about them...
Illuminati...
They put a thing made of tinfoil on top of my door...
What is it for?
Illuminati...
Shooting a ray at my cornflakes to make them turn green...
What does it mean?
The Illuminati... They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati... They're everywhere I go.
Illuminati...
Doing unspeakable things in the night to a cow...
Where are they now?
Illuminati...
Sent an impostor in place of the Popsicle man...
What is their plan?
The Illuminati... They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati... They're everywhere I go.
Illuminati...
They cancelled Star Trek, The Fonz, and My Mother, the Car...
Are they bizarre?
You can't escape them;
Even if you take a plane to Nepal or Peru...
They'll be there, too...
The Illuminati... They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati... They're everywhere I go.
I know that they know all about me...
They know that I know all about them...
Illuminati...
Hide their assassins' instructions in newspaper text...
Who will be next?
They're all around us...
Underline every third word in the Times and you'll see...
How can it be?
The Illuminati... They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati... They're everywhere I go.
They're in the attic and the cellar...
Bigger than Hunt or Rockefeller...
Illuminati...
Go through my garbage and count all the pop bottles there...
Why do they care?
They're out to get me...
They're fluoridating my water from their UFO...
What do they know?
The Illuminati... They're everywhere, I see.
The Illuminati... And no one knows but me.
--Euphoria the grinning maniac.
TransGalactic Megapope of rotating space.
*******************************************************************************
Alternative lyrics to _Be Our Guest_ from the movie "Beauty and the Beast"
BE MY GUEST
New lyrics by: John P. Daly and Scott Danby
Be my guest
Be my guest
Put my service to the test
Wrap your legs around my waist cherie
And I will do the rest
Menage a trois, 69
Without your clothes you look just fine
Try the white stuff, it's delicious
Don't believe me? Ask da bitches
They can scream, they can moan
When I give them all the bone
Cuz a screwing here is never 2nd best!
Come on unzip my pants
Then take a look, a glance
Be my guest!
I'm the best!
Be my guest!
Be my love
Be my slave
Let's kick back and watch some Dave
I'll prepare
Extraordinaire
And then I'll spelunk in your cave
We're alone and you're scared
But the bedroom's all prepared
No one's ever been complaining
Cuz I'm always entertaining
I sell smokes, you turn trix
I'm the dick to end all Dicks!
Lick me, bite me, suck me, blow me, give me head
You're such a nice young lass
Come on and shake your ass
Be my guest
If you're stressed
It's my love spear I suggest
Be my guest
I'm the best
Be my guest!
Life is disconceting
To a flirter who's not flirting
He's not whole without a soul
To jump upon
Ah those good old days when I was fruitful
Tonight we'll be fruitful until dawn
Three weeks it's been missing
Needing so much more than kissing
Needing exercise, a chance to use my skill
Most days I just jerk off in the bathroom
Flabby, fat and lazy
You walk in and I go crazy
It's a guest!
It's a guest!
Sakes alive she's got a chest
Wine's been poured
And I've been bored
Gosh I'd love to stroke her breast
With dessert she'll want me
With some luck we'll make it three
While the bed starts in a-squeaking
I'll be coming, I'll be peaking
You'll get warm, piping hot
Heaven's sakes, is that a spot?
Clean it up, we want the company impressed.
I've got you to do
Was that one fuck or two?
For you my guest
She's my guest
My command is your request
It's been three weeks since
I've seen anybody's peaks
And I'm obsessed
You're a treat, you're a tease
Yes indeed I aim to please
Through the night we'll keep a-going
Pretty soon you'll be a glowing
Thrust by thrust
One by one
Till you shout "Enough, I've come"
Then I'll whisk you off to bed for oral sex
Tonight you'll prop your feet up
And I'll start to eat up
Be my guest
I'm the best!
BE MY GUEST!
*******************************************************************************
_Little by Little_ Alice Cooper
Black leather gloves and your lipstick shines
Bright as moonlight it glows
My wildest rose cuts so fine and deep
It hurts but it never shows
You're bad, you're so hardcore
Pull me down here on the killing floor
[CHORUS]
Little by little we cross the line
Little by little the ties that bind
Little by little by little by little
Little by little tonight
Your sugar tongue speaks hot and sweet
Lying just for fun
Push and shove
Sex is sex
But honey, love is love
We're not sick insane
Just another lover's game
[CHORUS]
I'm all undone
My pretty one
Don't slap my face
Unless you kiss me
[CHORUS]
You beg and you cry for more
You pull me down here on the killing floor
[CHORUS]
*******************************************************************************
_One Caress_ by Depeche Mode
"Well I'm down on my knees again
and I pray to the only one
who has the strength
to bear the pain
to forgive all the things that I've done."
[refrain]"Oh girl, lead me into your darkness
when this world is trying it's hardest
to leave me unimpressed.
Just one caress
from you and I'm
blessed."
"When you think you've tried every road
every avenue
take one more look
at what you found old
and in it you'll find something new."
[refrain]
"I'm shying from the light
I always loved the night
and now you offer me
eternal darkness.
I have to believe that sin
can make a better man
it's the mood
that I am in
it's left us back where we began."
[refrain]
*******************************************************************************
_Earth is My Whore_
You make me sick with your save-the-earth T-shits
I wanna throw up when I see you there
Saving the whales, protecting the rain forest
Why don't you shut up? Nobody cares!
I'll shit in the water and I'll piss in the stream
I'll kill all the animals and burn down all the trees
Don't try to stop me, I don't care anymore
I'm out for a good time, and the earth is my whore.
My Daddy works with chemicals
He dumps them in schoolyards
So little kids will play with then
And get real sick and die
My brother goes camping
And then burns down the forest
I like to go along with him
So I can watch the animals fry
[Chorus]
I didn't use to be this way
I used to be like you
A fucked up Greenpeace freak
Turning the world into a Zoo
But now I've smartened up
I want to kill the fucking whales
Cuz whale lovers are faggots
And the earth's a piece of tail
[Chorus]
And you know what you do with whores?
You fuck'm.
So fuck the Earth. And fuck you! All of you.
Green peace faggots!
*******************************************************************************
_Masochism Tango_
"I ache for the touch of your lips dear,
but much more for the touch of your whips dear;
you can raise welts like nobody else...
As we dance to the masochism tango."
"Let our love be a flame, not an ember;
say it's me that you want to dismember.
Blacken my eye, set fire to my tie...
As we dance to the masochism tango."
"At your command, before you here I stand.
My heart is in my hand. (yeck) I'ts here that I must be.
My heart intreats. Just hear those savage beats,
and go put on your cleats and come and trample me."
"Your heart is hard as stone or mahogany...
That's why I'm in such exquisite agony.
My soul is on fire; it's a flame with desire.
Which is why I perspire when we tango."
"You caught my nose, in your left castanet, love...
I can feel the pain yet, love, every time I hear drums.
And I envy the rose that you held in your foreteeth, love.
With the thorns underneath, love, sticking into your gums."
"Your eyes cast a spell that bewitches...
The last time I needed twenty stitches;
to sew up the gash, that you made with your lash...
As we dance to the masochism tango."
"Bash in my brain, and make me scream in pain.
Then kick me once again, and say we'll never part.
I know too well, I'm underneath your spell;
so darling if you smell, something burning, it's my heart."
"Take your cigarette from it's holder,
and burn your initials in my shoulder.
Fracture my spine and swear that you're mine...
As we dance to the masochism tango."
******************************************************************************
_Reptile_ by Nine Inch Nails
she spreads herself wide open to let the insects in
she leaves a trail of honey to show me where she's been
she has the blood of reptile just underneath her skin
seeds from a thousand others drip down from within
oh my beautiful liar
oh my precious whore
my disease my infection
i am so impure
devils speak of the ways in which she'll manifest
angels bleed from the tainted touch of my caress
need to contaminate to alleviate this loneliness
i now know the depths i reach are limitless
oh my beautiful liar
oh my precious whore
my disease my infection
i am so impure
******************************************************************************
_Liar_ by Rollins Band
You think you're going to live your life alone in darkness and seclusion
You've been out there and tried to mix with the animals
It left you full of humiliated confusion
So you stagger back to your room and wait for nothing
But the solitary refinement of your room spits you back onto the street
You're desperate and in need
And then you meet me and you whole world changes
Everything I say is everything you've ever wanted to hear
You drop your defences and your ego obscures reality
You're so busy feeling good
You're feeling so lucky
That you never question why things are going so well
You want to know why
I'm a liar
I'll rip your mind up
I'll burn your soul
I'll turn you into me
I'll hide behind a smile and understanding eyes
I'll tell you things that you already know
So you can say
I really identify with you
All the time you're needing me
Is just the time I'm bleeding you
I'll come to you like an affliction
I'll leave you like an addiction
You'll never forget me
I don't know why
I feel the need to lie and cause you so much pain
Maybe it's something deep inside
Maybe it's something I cant explain
All I do is mess you up and lie to you
If you'll give me one more chance I swear I'll never lie again
Now I see the destructive power of a lie
They're stronger than truth
I'm sorry, I can't believe I ever hurt you
I will never lie again
I promise
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Sucker! Sucker!
I am a liar. i like it. I feel good. I'll keep lying... I promise.
******************************************************************************
-=: A story from the movie _Naked Lunch_ :=-
Did I ever tell you the one about the man who taught his asshole to talk?
His whole abdomen would move up and down, ya dig; farting out the words.
It was unlike anything I had ever heard; bubbly, thick, stagnant sound.
A sound you could smell. This man worked for the carnival, in a gig that to
start with was like a novelty ventriliquist act. After awhile the ass
started talking on it's own and he would go in with out anything prepared, and
his ass would adlib and toss the gags back at him every time. Then it developed
sort of teeth-like little raspy in-curving hooks and started eating. He thought
this was cute at first, and built an act around it, but the asshole would eat
it's way through his pants, and start talking on the street; shouting out
it wanted equal rights. It would get drunk too and have crying jags; nobody
loved it and it wanted to be kissed same as any other mouth. Finally, it
talked out all the time, day and night. You could hear him for blocks;
screaming at it to sut up, beating it with his fists, and sticking candles
up it. Nothing did any good, and the asshole said to him, "It is you who will
shut up in the end, not me 'cause
[area under construction]
******************************************************************************
_________
/ ) __ ___ ___
/ ~ / \ _|_ |_| \/\/ |\|
| | |
\____. | | |/ ___
/ | / | |_| |_| |~
/ * |/
| /| |\/\ /| ___
\_______/ \/ \_/ \____ |__ ___ |
__| |_| |_| |
******************************************************************************
Ultimate lie: "I love you."
******************************************************************************
Open your head to the darkside of alternative.
3 HOURS OF PAIN
Tune in to WMTU 91.9 Tuesday night (Wednesday morning), midnight to 3 AM!!!
******************************************************************************
"Yea, I saw Chris's .plan ....at 300 baud. I'll never do that again."
-Nathan Gerrit Mitchell