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New Rules

New Rule: [slide of Bruce and Kris Jenner now] Someone must tell Bruce and Kris Jenner, who have separated after 22 years of marriage, that if they wanted to see other people, they could have just looked in a mirror. [slide of Bruce and Kris years earlier]

New Rule: The Kansas Tourism's Board slogan cannot be "There's No Place Like Kansas." Clearly, there is. It's called Nebraska.

New Rule: Bill O'Reilly has to tell us why he's always thinking about murder. [slide of O'Reilly books: Killing Jesus, Killing Kennedy, Killing Lincoln] Since Obama was elected, Bill has written three books about killing major historical figures. And, Bill, I agree, how tragic that Kennedy, Lincoln and Jesus, these heroic, liberal, social reformers, had to die after being vilified by panicky, backwards-looking conservative blowhards.

Wow, you truly have done a great service pointing this out. And I look forward to your new children's book, Killing the Cat in the Hat. [slide]

New Rule: The Federal Aviation Administration must step in before Republic Airways sells Frontier Airlines to the guy who owns Spirit Airlines. One, it will hurt consumers. And, two, none of these airlines exist. They just leave those planes on the runway, so you feel better about being on Delta.

However, the FAA should let Virgin Airlines merge with JetBlue and form "Blue Balls." [slide of "Blue Balls" plane]

New Rule: Melissa Locker, who reported in Time magazine that a beaver's a** smells just like vanilla, has to tell us how she knows that.

Ms. Locker reports that the natural flavor in some vanilla-flavored food products is actually castoreum, a secretion that comes from a beaver's anal glands. So, the next time you're enjoying a vanilla cone...keep this in mind: At least when you lick a beaver's a**, it doesn't drip all over your hand.

Wait, how do I know that?!

And, finally, New Rule: [slide of Michele Bachmann] I know we can't establish a religious test for office, but if you believe we're living in the End Times like Michele Bachmann does, we get to take away the car keys.

Yes, let Jesus take the wheel. If you think the world is about to end, that's your right. But, you don't get to vote on next year's budget, because it DOESN'T CONCERN YOU!

Now, this past Saturday, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann announced that President Obama is sending arms to terrorists, and said, "Rather than seeing this as a negative, we need to rejoice. Maranatha come Lord Jesus' day is at hand."

Of course, if Michele is right, and Jesus is on his way back, he'll be the first man she ever saw coming.

But, she's not the only person in Washington who'd be more comfortable on "American Horror Story." In an interview this week, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia says he believes the Devil is a real person who's running around getting people to not believe in God.

What can I say? I started to blush.

Blush and laugh, because reasonable people -- you know them -- they usually see Michele Bachmann as a total loon, but Scalia as a serious intellectual. When, actually, they're the exact same idiot. Scalia says in the interview that he's puzzled that the Devil is all over the New Testament, but we don't see him around anymore.

Oh, yeah, back in the old days, Satan was like Miley Cyrus's tongue: he was everywhere. But, you know, this Devil not being anymore thing, it's not something that puzzles me. In fact, usually, when I hear someone talking like this, it's because I'm dropping change in their cup.

But, somehow, the lack of Beelzebub sightings positively mystifies the leading legal mind in conservative America. Scalia says: [slide of quote] "In the Gospels, the Devil is doing all sorts of things. He's making pigs run off cliffs. He's possessing people, and whatnot. And that doesn't happen very much anymore."

I kept waiting for the transcript to say, "Ha-hah! Just f*cking with you!"

Pigs running off cliffs? Hey, leave the debt ceiling deniers out of this.

And, what is Justice Scalia's theory as to why we don't see the Devil anymore? Is it the logical answer, that fictions like the Devil are in the Bible because it was written before the age of science, when humans didn't know where the sun went at night, and is obviously a reflection of mankind's thinking in his intellectual infancy?

Of course not! That makes sense!

What Scalia said about the Devil is, "He used to be all over the New Testament. What happened to him? He got wilier."

Motherf*cker. Of course, wilier! He may be evil, but he's always looking to improve himself.

Antonin Scalia once said that people like him who adhere to traditional beliefs were, quote, "regarded as simpleminded. We are," he said, "fools for Christ."

You know, whether you're "fools for Christ" or "Cuckoo for Cocao Puffs," I really don't care why someone acts like a fool; just that they do, and that when they do, we keep them away from decision making.

It would be one thing if Mr. Scalia sold pizza for a living, but this is a man we go to, to interpret our laws. It's like smelling a gas leak and calling an exorcist.

Antonin Scalia put George Bush in the White House, and he believes the Devil went down to Georgia.

He gets to decide when life begins, and he thinks "evil" is a person, you know, like a corporation.

Here's the problem with believing the Devil exists. It means you see the world divided into teams of good and evil, and suspect the "wiley one" may be on the side of "them." And when you start seeing compromising with your opponents as a compromise with evil, well, there's your Tea Party.

Oh, yeah, back in the old days, Satan was like Miley Cyrus's tongue: he was everywhere.