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The Destructive Cycle of Negative Thinking

"Negative Thinking" (also called false or irrational
beliefs, unrealistic expectations, self-defeating attitudes,
unjustified negative explanations, or illogical conclusions) is
powerful because how a partner perceives and interprets what the other
does can be far more important in determining marital satisfaction than
those actions themselves.

Negative thinking occurs when a spouse consistently
believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really
the case. In other words, a husband or wife interprets the behavior of
his or her spouse to be much more negative than the spouse intended.
Basically, it's the belief that your partner is trying to ruin or weaken
the marriage on purpose. For example:

"You're always including your family. They've been between us our whole married life!"
"You don't see it do you? You're too negative and it's driving me away!"
"You say you're sorry, but you keep doing the same mean things over and over. You'll never change!"

Why Negative Thinking is so Destructive in a Relationship

Positive Bias. During courtship and early married life,
almost everything the fiancé says or does is interpreted in a positive
light. He or she can do no wrong. Even unpleasant behavior can be
turned around and made positive. This produces a "perfect" image of the
loved one that emphasizes the appealing features and conceals the
undesirable one. In a sense, this perspective becomes "closed," so that
almost no unpleasant elements can enter the picture.

Negative Bias. But if the marriage runs into trouble,
the repeated disappointments, arguments, and frustrations lead to a
change in perspective. For example, a wife may shift from a positive to
a negative bias. Her attitude changes from one of admiration to
faultfinding. Then, much of what he does is interpreted in a negative
light. He can do no right. The bottom line is that when the
relationship runs into persistent problems, we have a tendency to
switch "lenses" and see our partner differently — negatively.

The Problem with Having a Negative Bias

1. Confirmation Bias. The major problem with negative
thinking is that human beings tend to see
and hear what they believe about another even if it isn't true. In other words, what you believe about
another person (positive or negative), you will find evidence of that
belief in everything he or she says or does.

2. Self-fulfilling Prophecy. The case whereby
individuals (a) have an expectation about what their partner is like,
which (b) influences how they act toward their partner, which (c) causes
that partner to behave in a way consistent with the individual's
original expectations. People tend to live up or down to our beliefs
about them.

3. Learned Hopelessness. When negative thinking
consistently invades the relationship, it produces an environment of
hopelessness and demoralization. The negatively framed partner is robbed
of motivation and action.

How To Fight Negative Thinking

We are not advocating some kind of unrealistic
"Pollyanna" mentality. We cannot sit around wishing or hoping that our partner will change truly negative behaviors. However, we need to
consider that our partner's motives are more positive than we are
willing to acknowledge.

Step 1: "Could I Be Wrong?" We must ask ourselves if we
might overly negative in our interpretation of our mate's
actions. Or we might have misunderstandings stemming from differences
in their perspectives — and is not the result of some negative trait.

Step 2: Check Out the Accuracy of Your Negative
Thinking. Consider alternative explanations for what your mate does.
Look for supporting evidence, contradictory evidence, alternative
explanations, and more logical conclusions. We must push ourselves to
look for evidence that is contrary to the negative interpretation we
usually take. We can accomplish this by either asking directly or by
making further observations of our partner's actions.

Step 3: Substitute More Reasonable Responses for the Negative Thought

Step 4: Keeping Track of Positive Behavior. It's
important for couples to be aware of what their partner's do and to
respond accordingly. A partner may already be doing some of these
things, but you may not be totally aware of them. For a start, try to
notice methodically what your mate already does that pleases you. In
order to note pleasing actions, spouses begin to really look at each
other. This will force you to break through the barriers that obstruct
your vision of your partner's good deeds.