Monday, April 1, 2013

April Food's Day? Sounds Delish!

Hey, look what day it is!

And you know what that means:

(Zut alors!)

Yes, it's "poisson d'avril," the hilarious day in France on which people engage in the delightful gag of taping a paper fish to an unwitting victim's back. Of course, here in America we have a more pointed sense of humor, which is why the most common April Fool's prank is the phantom shoulder tap. Here's how it works:

--Silently approach subject from behind;
--Stand on subject's left side;
--Tap subject's right shoulder;
--Subject then turns head over right shoulder, only to find nobody there;
--Confused, subject then turns head over left shoulder;
--Just as the subject sees you and realizes he or she has been duped, you raise your pistol and shoot the subject in the face.

If done correctly, not only will your victim have been fooled, but he or she also won't live to rat you out to the left-wing bureaucrats. Best of all, you'll have exercised your Constitutional right to bear arms. USA, baby!

When guns are infringed upon then only outlaws will be in fringes:

(If it wasn't for the Second Amendment these dirty hippies wouldn't have gotten shot at the end of the movie.)

Don't forget to put food on the Hopper's table, or to put fringes on the Hopper's jacket.

Speaking of America, on Saturday I went to set my DVR to record the Touring of Flanders, a uniquely un-American event in which people ride bicycles for speed. However, when I switched to OLN/Versus/NBC/Whatever-It-Is-Now, all I found scheduled for Sunday was a bunch of Babe Winkelman crap:

("Poisson d'Avril!")

This disappointed me greatly. Look, I know "real" cycling fans stream these races on the Internet, but I have no desire to crouch over my laptop or make the monumental effort of walking it all the way to the TV and plugging it in. In fact, as a blogger I don't want to get anywhere near a computer on the weekend--weekends are for bikes, old-fashioned TV, and paper reading materials. Plus, if you watch it on the Internet, then the commentary is either in Phlegmish or whatever they speak over there, or else it's someone like Sean Kelly droning on and on about who knows what, and the one time I watched race coverage with Sean Kelly commentating I fell asleep so deeply that I awoke in a Dumpster three days later. Yes, "real" cycling fans dismiss the commentary we get in the USA as inane and vacuous, but it's Sunday in America dammit, and inane and vacuous is what this country is all about. Plus, it was Easter Sunday and we had family over, and that includes kids. You can't have Belgian Tour of Flanders race coverage playing on the TV when children are around. All that low country hocking will just make them cry.

Anyway, apparently Fabian Cancellara won, unless I'm the victim of an elaborate April Fool's joke (but since I'm still alive I'll assume that's not the case):

"It was a strange race. It was fast at the beginning. There weren't many riders left at the end but I did the right tactic. Everyone expected me to go and I tried to make the first selection on the Kwaremont. I love the cobbles and so after that I did what I had to do."

In a compromise that has not eased all minds, the city’s Department of Transportation has offered to install new cobbles that are aged artificially, like a pair of stonewashed jeans, to appear more worn.“It is far worse than I could have imagined,” said Andrew S. Dolkart, director of the historic preservation program at Columbia University, decrying the “phony urbanism” of the replacement stones. “It is appalling that the D.O.T. would destroy real historic material and replace it with a completely ersatz program.”

As a cyclist and appreciator of old things, I too am susceptible to the romance of the cobble. Nevertheless, as a person living in the year 2013 I also understand that these people need to shut up. Public streets need to be accessible first and charming second, hence the compromise of the artificially aged stones. However, what's happened is that rich people recently discovered this neighborhood, and the problem is that if the streets aren't "authentic" enough then they won't feel special anymore. This speaks to a wider trend in Brooklyn. Really, Brooklyn is "phony urbanism," and now that the borough has gone "full douche" everyone is suddenly a preservation Nazi hell-bent on turning the place into a hyper-expensive 19th century theme park full of jolly artisans. Basically it's becoming a "living museum," like when I was a kid and we went to a class trip to Old Bethpage where people in period clothing force-fed us birch bark---only this living museum is for adults who spend vast amounts of money to live there themselves and become part of the show. In ten years the entire place will be either condo-fied or landmarked, and everyone in Brooklyn is either going to look like this:

Or this:

By the way, if you go to Vinegar Hill you'll already find numerous anachronisms to spoil your 19th century fantasy, such as these things called "cars" that are parked all over the place, as well as the giant buzzing power plant:

So I don't think switching out the road surface is really that big of a deal--though I suppose they could keep it the way it is and all the yuppies streaming into the neighborhood for brunch at Vinegar Hill House can just ride these, as forwarded to me by a reader:

Though it does clash with the 19th century aesthetic, which is why someone really needs to market a full-suspension pennyfarthing.

Their concern: The bright color would be a distraction to viewers, doesn't belong in period movies and makes it harder for L.A. to do what it does best: play other cities."As we all know, unlike other major cities, our downtown footprint is very small and limited and we've used this stretch for [an] 'anywhere in the world' big city for years and it is vital to us for many projects, " Ed Duffy, business agent for Teamsters Local 399, which represents location managers, wrote in a recent email to members.

--Made a giant gorilla climb the Empire State Building;
--Made a spaceship blow up the white house;
--Made dinosaurs come to life and trample Newman from "Seinfeld;"
--Made Joseph Gordon-Levitt look like he can ride a bike;
--Hidden all of Angelina Jolie's cold sores.

But somehow some green paint on the street is making it impossible for them to film movies all of a sudden? No wonder movies suck so bad now. These people have gotten lazy. When I was a kid they had good movies, like this one:

Now the same guy who made that lovable alien just makes boring aliens like this one:

(Now that guy got April Fooled!)

Or maybe he wasn't supposed to be an alien, maybe he was supposed to be a zombie.

My local channel that shows bicycle racing bicycles showed the Three Days of de Panne(Which is like saying of twice) about 17 times so it was really 51 days of de Panne but not Rhonda van deDeVVvllandrrerrn even once.(Pronounced ON-saaay)

I watched the Ronde Van Morrison Van Vlanderen on the innernets on Sunday. If there was a game to drink every time Sean Kelly says 'Cal-cuul-lay-shun', it would be a drunken afternoon of passing out.

BTW, I went for a ride on those very cobbles in Dumbo the day before. If I wasn't on my commuter bike with the tough 36h rims and the 700 X 31 tires I probably would've ended up going ass over tea kettle. Not to mention that the authentic cobbles are already interspersed with fairly fresh 'ashfelt' from where the old trolley tracks were recently ripped out. The 'living museum' crowd needs to shut up and take their act to 'Plimoth Plantation' where it belongs.

Fay-Bee-Yunnnnn!Got up at 5:00am and watched the Ronde Van Ned Flanders. Sean Kelly was okay although now that you mention it, I did have trouble staying awake, even with strong coffee. His commentating partner was a total douchebag though.

Samh!!! I remember when you were winning Commentariat Podiums like Mark Cavendish in his early, early, pro days!

Saw an attractive-as-hell woman in front of the Elmwood Theater in Berkeley the other night wearing thigh-high boots WITH GLITTER! For a moment I thought it was Babble and was mad because I hadn't heard that the Pope was coming to town. A second look revealed her to be too old to be Babble, yet still hot, so she gets points. Lots of points, especially with the stiletto heals...

Brooklyn Turning into old Bethpage Restoration? Insane in the Membrane

I sense a financial opportunity here though...I am going to offer Reproduction Cannon Bollards at a reasonable price to the NY Metro Area...They can plant them all over the place and maybe stop the cars from reaching the sidewalk or the bike lane... they can be safe and authentic all at onceIts Win/Win

I see where women in Saudi Arabia are now allowed to ride bicycles in parks and recreational areas as long as they are accompanied by a male relative or guardian and that they wear the full head to toe abaya.I sense a marketing opportunity for Rapha here.And 7 inch heels.

Have to disagree about the fake cobbles. If your going to go that route, might as well put down asphalt. What is this Florida?Why would you be riding anything narrower than a 28c tire in the city anyway?

Yeah see, the thing about cobbles, they're not magic, that was simply the best pavement they could think of at the time, before the orgy of fossil fuels began, that enabled people to heat up a whole truck full of asphalt to 300º F. (And provided the asphalt itself for that matter.) (I said "orgy.") On the other hand the cobbles allow rainwater to infiltrate so there's less toxic runoff. And they last longer, which is why they're still around. I think I just talked myself into being pro-cobble actually. Not so some dee-houche can bray about how "historic" his precious little neighborhood is, but strictly because of civil & environmental engineering criteria. Cobble all the streets! Trust me, it'll be a lot easier & cheaper to keep 'em paved when the oil and money run out.

Two nuns are painting a room when they decide to take off their habits so they won't get paint on them....... A little while later there is a knock at the door, "Who is it" the nuns ask...... "Blind man" The nuns figure they don't need to get dressed because the guy is blind so they open the door......The guy walks in carrying some blinds and says... "Nice Tits"

That Budnitz probably still has a regular freehub in the rear, with spacers like the one WCRM tested. The really stupid thing is, White Industries makes a single speed rear hub, and it's probably more expensive than their cassette model Budnitz used, to boot. Doofuses.

Maybe I missed it because I'm not an astute eaterer of kulture but I noticed Wild Cat missed this apt artickle on "Brooklyn: The Brand" http://tmagazine.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/03/17/brooklyn-the-brand/

Which presents to notion that Brooklyn doesn't just take pride in oozing douchiness, turning douchebags into artesanal douchebags crafted from upcycled tire tubes, but now takes credit for exporting the "Brooklyn Brand" Douchebaggery to the world.

Thanks Brooklyn, I hate the "fixie" douchebags that rumble around the Bywater and Marigny neighborhoods of New Orleans even more because they apparently are "Brooklyn Brand" douchebags.

Poisson d'avril has evolved in Quebec where it is now customary to just kick English speakers in the scranus. This is a highly evolved culture we cannot hope to comprehend, good thing they have laws banning inflammatory words like "pasta" and "fire Exit" from Quebec restaurants. no shit.

CommieCanuck: The original italian Brooklyn Chewing Gum is still in production today: http://brooklyn.about.com/od/brooklynbridge/tp/The-Story-Of-Brooklyn-Chewing-Gum-Italys-First-Gum-Named-For-Brooklyn-Bridge.htm , and even the packages look exactly like the first ones in the 1950s: http://blogs.villagevoice.com/forkintheroad/2009/05/think_globally.php . So all retro-oriented Brooklynites should be fine chewing this gums ev'ry day (and dropping the period correct wrappings right on their cobblestone streets, of course).

Solution to green bike lane issue: use greeen screen coloured paint. Makes it easy for the film makers, keeps the bike lanes green for the sort of person who gives a shit about that sort of thing, and creates jobs for VFX guys. Win win win win win win win etc.

If you could make a graph of my level of interest/excitement at the Sagan story, it would look like a bunch of stairsteps. A professional cyclist (flatline at zero) named Sagan (up half a notch purely by association with Carl Sagan) grabbed the ass (up a notch) of a podium girl (up two notches) and now a bunch of people have opinions about it (back to zero).

Oh Frills, how right you are! Adding more points to your Awesome Score®. Superfunny because: my friend and I get to the checkout, and I ask if she has sufficient vanilla ice cream to accompany the cobbler (that she had picked out btw). She rolls her eyes and storms off to the other side of the store toward the frozen food section to get some. HA! She comes back and apologizes to the cashier and the cashier says "No prob, you can't have cobbler w/o ice cream." I giggle and my friend just glares at me.

Biker grabbing some ass after Tour of Flanders, awesome.http://deadspin.com/cyclist-under-fire-for-pinching-a-podium-girls-backsid-464834903?utm_campaign=socialflow_deadspin_twitter&utm_source=deadspin_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow

Peoptradeant to work with a respewith the purpose of car saleall the rageen controlnisheda number ofn support ofearthg theiin support ofavailablearned monin support ofsosincekewith the purpose ofrpiece these daysquisitionerson.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!