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“The Bachelor” Recap: Vegas, Baby!

You guys, I’m so sorry that I haven’t written a recap since the premiere, but I’ve been busy. And lazy. And also a little drunk most Mondays after the show. But I’m back (at least for this week), so let’s dive in!

It’s Week 4, and we have a bunch of ladies whose names I do know, a bunch of Laurens that I can’t tell apart, and some other women who literally could have snuck in the back door last night and I wouldn’t know the difference. It’s a super exciting episode immediately, because Ben and the ladies are going to….Vegas. I mean, VEGAS! By the way they scream at this, you’d think they all got a lifetime of free hair extensions and no-chip manicures.

It’s no secret, I do not like Las Vegas. I spent 6 weeks there while on tour with “Wicked,” and while the people are truly lovely and kind, that city is the devil. But these ladies are excited, especially when they see their super sweet suite inside the Aria Hotel. Date Card #1 arrives, and it’s for JoJo. Olivia, our resident crazy, is very Zen about Ben going out with other women, because as she says, “Ben is my peace.” At first I think she says “Ben is my piece,” like, he’s her piece of ass, and you know what? I’m gonna choose to believe that.

Alas, Ben is not her piece/peace for long, because he arrives to pick up JoJo and kisses her in full view of the ladies while waiting for their helicopter to land (I can’t believe I type these sentences sometimes). It’s an Exorcist-style turnaround for Olivia, who is all of a sudden raging with insecurity and angry eyes. Date Card #2 arrives right away, and everyone except Becca is going on the Group Date the next day. Olivia immediately plots Becca’s murder, as this means she has gotten the second One on One Date.

JoJo and Ben have a perfectly lovely time, and she opens up about her “difficult past,” which includes a boyfriend cheating on her. No, that’s it. That’s her difficult past. No one died, no one mugged her at gunpoint, she doesn’t have an eating disorder. So if JoJo has a difficult past, my past is tragic and it’s a miracle that I’m still alive. Ben gives her the rose, there’s a special fireworks display for them, and he obviously wants to stick it in her as soon as humanly possible. Prediction: One Fantasy Suite card for JoJo, please.

It’s Group Date time! Caila is the first person to ever be excited for a Group Date, and they all head to a theatre, where they meet Terry Fator, the brilliant ventriloquist from America’s Got Talent who has a resident show in Vegas. He informs them that today’s challenge is a talent show that they will perform in front of 1200 people, to which most of the girls say, “I have no talent.” At least, not a talent that they can perform on national TV in front of a room full of people. ZING!

Some people are legit awesome, like the twins and their Irish step dancing, and Jubilee and her cello. Then there’s a Lauren dressed up as a chicken, and maybe another Lauren in clown makeup. But the high/lowlight of this event is clearly Olivia. She picks out a Vegas showgirl outfit, complete with a cape, finds a fake cake to pop out of, and proceeds to do a “dance” routine that would make Nomi Malone push her down the stairs just so she would stop. She’s barefoot in tights, clearly is not a performer in any capacity, and everyone is mortified and yet can’t look away. I was afraid she would do something topless, but by the end I think that’s the only thing that could have helped her at all. Honestly, I would have been truly impressed if she had shown how she gets her hair to part so perfectly every day. Now THAT’S talent.

Happy Birthday?

Olivia knows that she did not succeed, and has a panic attack after leaving the stage. It’s actually kind of sad, because it’s the most self aware she’s been so far this season. They transition to the evening portion of Date Night, and Caila grabs Ben right away for a minute alone. He’s impressed by her forwardness and calls her a “sex panther.” A sex panther? Really, Ben? If a guy called me a sex panther, I would TOTALLY….make out with him and then regret it upon further consideration later. And then probably make out with him again.

Lauren H. hangs out with Ben and Little Ben for a bit, who is “way bigger than I would have expected.” Guys! Get your minds out of the gutter! Little Ben is a PUPPET. Also, Ben is a terrible ventriloquist, and Lauren H. will be picking hair out of her teeth for the rest of the night from making out with Little Ben. THE PUPPET, GUYS!!! What do you think this is, Week 7?

But Olivia has other plans, and drags him aside in her bathrobe dress and kitten heel strappy sandals to apologize for making a fool of herself. He tells her it’s all good, but before she can get any further with him, one of the twins interrupts. Which one? I have no idea. The one who wears jean shorts on the treadmill, maybe. Or the one who…yeah, no, I have no idea. Ben spends some time with a twin and then a Lauren, and is chatting up the other twin (I think), when Olivia COMES BACK AGAIN.

This time it seems like she snorted a little too much Vitamin C powder or chugged a green juice, because she’s snapping her fingers and dancing around nervously, and Ben has to ask what the hell is going on with her. She apologizes again, Ben is not into the reassurance thing, but he steels himself for a quick kiss on the lips anyway, and Olivia is happy again. That’s all she wanted. And we see her mood spin Exorcist-style once again, to the point that she’s convinced herself that he loves her and they’re going to get married. Basically, what I did every time a guy wanted to make out with me between the ages of 21 and 33.

Olivia is quickly disappointed again, as Lauren B. is the recipient of the Date Rose. Oh, Olivia. You were literally created to appear on Bachelor in Paradise.

It’s time for Becca’s One On One Date! A huge box arrives at the hotel for her, which (of course) contains a wedding dress, as they are in the “marriage capitol of the world.” I’m assuming the annulment capitol of the world as well. Becca puts on the gown, and manages to make something that was clearly bought in a nameless pop-up prom shop in the mall look decent-ish. Jubilee accurately snarks that Becca is the only person in that room who can wear white, because remember? Becca is a virgin! Still! She hops into the pink convertible that’s waiting outside, and is driven to a chapel.

Once there, Ben totally pulls the fakeout proposal move on her, and Becca actually looks disappointed when he reveals that he wants her to “marry OTHER people” with him. As in, he’s an Internet ordained minister and people actually want him to unite them in holy matrimony. She changes into a normal looking (but still white!) dress, and they begin. There are multiple men in tuxedo tees, a lot of colorful tattoos, and one extremely weird kiss that would take too long to explain. Nighttime falls, and they head to one of the coolest places in Vegas, The Neon Museum. It’s where all of the old Vegas signage goes when it’s taken down, and is pretty spectacular. They have dinner but don’t eat, talk about Becca’s virginity, and I fall asleep because they’re both so good looking and boring. Becca gets the Date Rose and a kiss, but in my opinion, I don’t think Ben feels as passionate about her as he does some of the other ladies. She’s super pretty and perfectly lovely, but still kiiiiinda cardboard-y.

And that’s it for the dates! Or is it?? Chris Harrison comes by the hotel to tell the ladies that Ben wants to take the twins on a Two On One Date…to their house. See, the twins grew up in Vegas and still live with their mom and 5 dachshunds just down the street. Is it all starting to make sense?

So in possibly the WORST date ever, they go home to visit mom, and he gets a chance to see their bedrooms. One of which (Haley’s maybe?) has a multitude of bright lacy bras hanging, stuffed animals, and at least two pictures of her and her ex-boyfriend still framed and displayed. That DEFINITELY screams “very near future wife.” Ben sits down with mom, and we have no questions about what the twins will look like later in life. And in the most humane rejection ever, he tells Haley that he is choosing Emily to move on, and she has to stay here with here mommy. Both girls cry for different reasons, but mainly because now Emily has to come up with a new occupation, since she can no longer just be “Twin.”

Cocktail party time! Jennifer (who?) steps up and grabs Ben right away, and gets him for a WHOLE THREE MINUTES before Olivia does her creepy stalking thing and steals him away. (Side note: If I was on this, I would change the rules of stealing. If a guy was like, “Can I steal you?” I would be all, “No, Derrick, you can’t, cause I’m not a possession. I’ll let you know when I’m done talking to Monty S.”)

Olivia thinks it’s a perfect time to eat an entire piece of cheesecake in front of Ben, as she has discovered that her real talent is “eating.” If that’s her talent, then I’m a professional dog adopter, wine taster, online shopper, and pizza order-er. He gives her the same spiel he’s given her twice already this week, and moves on to reassure Jubilee, who is also quietly freaking out. It’s that week, y’all. That week when they realize THEY’RE ALL DATING THE SAME GUY.

Rose Ceremony time! Roses go to Amanda (who??), Lauren H., Jubilee, Emily, Caila, Jennifer, Leah (I give up), and…OLIVIA. But Ben gives an obvious grimace before he announces her name, and we’re pretty sure the producers made him keep her around cause everyone else is too normal. This means Amber and Rachel are headed home, and Amber fails to find love on her third series of the franchise.

Next week, I promise you more crazy, roses, Mexico City, and enough sequins to dress an entire toddler beauty pageant! Adios, amigos!