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Blake’s Advice Column

I know there is an important election coming up in November. I hate hearing speeches from lying manipulative politicians. What do you think can be done to keep them honest?

Signed, Camille From Silver Springs, Maryland

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Dear Camille,

Your letter is probably an accurate position of most of the people in this country. I regularly have fantasies about strangling certain politicians from both parties in front of a packed stadium that’s cheering me on. One thing that can be done, is during televised debates, all of them would have to be wired to a polygraph for public scrutiny. While they are on the campaign trail, any blatant lies that are told will be counted against them on election night, as they will have to forfeit some of their votes to their opponents, depending on the degree of the deception. But, just in case one of these ruthless boneheads is able to con everyone and gets elected anyway, they’re still not off the hook. Because an extensive background check should be done into their marriage, and I feel all spouses should be detained in an undisclosed location. The politicians will then be informed, that if they don’t fulfill 100% of their campaign promises within one year, they will never see their spouse again. And if it is determined that an elected official was in a bad marriage to person that they genuinely can’t stand, threaten to return their spouse safe and sound (which in many cases can be even more emotionally devastating). I hope this helps.