Sunday, January 3, 2016

Time is like a box of chocolates, it lapses into drunken stupors, swallows cheap vodka and is unforgiving when you just want a caramel and not a nut cluster. Other than that erudite analogy, the Boner Ghost has had some super-fun sexytimes that should be documented, even if said events were weeks ago and the minute details are on the wane, a condition not unlike smoking 20 joints a day for 20 years: a potpourri of dissonant fragments that are waging war against my personal cache; crashing the visceral hard-drive one grain of sand at a time. Now that the holiday season has finally expired and winter has laid his hirsute, frigid hand upon my flaccid member, hopefully I can get out on a portly mt. bikecycle and navigate the frozen, snow-covered trails here in Kansas Shitty, an activity long overdue since my Colorado trip of two weeks ago, wherein a record storm made even Fatbiking impossible on the front range...

...my car in front of the Pirate's mansion adjacent to Horsetooth Reservoir in Ft. Collins.

....and one of the hundreds of dooshnozzles who found it impossible to slow down in a foot of snow.

Even Jack Sparrow, and his overtly manly eye shadow couldn't navigate the Blue Sky Trails that start directly out his back door. At least his Odditycycles.com Fatty makes anyone look far sexier than is legal is *34 states.

After I returned to KC, #hardcorbincummybuns of Black Sheep Cycles used the warmer temperatures to slay the cocaine on his Ti 29+ that he fabricated with his very own *23 inch schlong.

I was able to ride the plowed, back roads for a couple hours the day after the storm, and later that same night was the grand billiards champion at the 8Lumens Bored meeting, which resulted in me finding a new lover who appreciated my ability to destroy bar booths and pool cues in one fell swoop. And, if he had not spurned my advances with a vengeance, could have held my beard back when I serenaded Corbs and his Bro with my porcelain opera.

Overall, the FOCO trip was a success, for I was blessed with the return of my Stinky Pinky 29+ Oddity - the Twerk29+ - and upon arrival to the KC metroplex I railed that slutty beauty so hard I finished on the curvy top tube.

Shawnee Mission Park, Kansas.

On the way West, I made a sloppy pit-stop at Lake Wilson and the IMBA Epic Switchgrass trails, an otherworldly jaunt through sandstone and cacti smack in the center of Kansas, a must for anyone traveling across the Central Wastelands...

As was foretold in the ancient texts, much more most morer mostest imbibing took place in FOCO, the above image being from Black Bottle Brewery, one of my personal favorites. La Pirata and I started the barley bombing at 11:15 a.m. and were successfully inebriated by 2:00 p.m. - a new empirical record.

The inaugural ride for the 8Lumens crew at Lake Jacomo in Missouri - incredible new trails.

My reflective ass, Chasm's last ride of the year...or ever.

They saved my number for the last 3 'cross races that I did on my Pugsley SS.