Wednesday, August 24, 2011

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: ALONE TIME

So normally I wouldn't be too PUMPED about Heckyeahwoman being away, but I need some alone time. And I'm not just talking about masturbating like a banshee all day. Nah, I haven't had a decent goddamn buffalo wing in at least six months.

OK, bad example, cause Heckyeahwoman is always more than happy to eat buffalo wings with me. And by "eat buffalo wings with me", I mean "eat a couple while I inhale the rest and get hot sauce all over my face."

IT LOOK LIKE THIS

I love CRUSHING BUFFALO WINGS PUMP

No but seriously, the first night I'll be extremely lonely and bummed, on the edge, needing only a slight push. A lot of sulking, a lot of pouting.

Within minutes, as the endless possibilities of DUDE-GLUTTONY start to sink in, I'll transform into PARTY MODE AND GET LOADED BY MYSELF.

That novelty will surely wear off as I wake up in the morning with a hangover.

Then it's time to get real. Really awesome.

Like driving million dollar cars into lakes awesome, you smell me.

Not sure what's going on Friday or Saturday night, but if nothin'spoppin', I may just record a song or two. I imagine it'll be something like this:

After a couple hours of driving the neighbors nuts with my horrible covers of girlie songs, I'll probably get horny as fuck and decide to troll for chicks.

And by troll for chicks, I mean lurk skype or yahoo! chat rooms until I find a bitch that wants to video chat with me.

With my luck, I'll probably come across this slore:

Heckyeahwoman's slated to return on Tuesday, but I'll be at work late doing my office Fantasy Football league draft! Watch as I manage to snag Arian Foster, Aaron Rodgers and Jamaal Charles in the first round while only picking once. How'd I do it?

Only the PUMP will tell.

Anyway, if I time Heckyeahwoman's arrival just right, something like the following three seconds will occur at the perfect time - right as she walks in the door.

I will keep you up dated on Tuesday's FF draft hopefully on next week's HUMP DAY PUMP UP. Let's hope it's PUMPWORTHY.

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tall man on the loose in tampa area

True story, there is a tall man terrorizing the Tampa area. This weirdo usually hangs out around parks, trying to find pick-up games of basketball - during which, he will grab the ball and maneuver around so that you come into contact with his stinky, naughty bits.

Truly an unpleasant experience.

His signature move is the "bait and switch junk grab". As you're grabbing for the ball, his junk magically appears. In the way of your hand.

Another one of his famous moves is to let the ball go loose, then as you scramble for it, his sweaty ass gets in the way. Of your face.