There now follows a Party Political Broadcast on behalf of the Conservative and Unionist Party.

Cut to a politician sitting on a chair. He is in fact in a rehearsal room, but we don't see this for the first six lines.

Politician

Good evening. Figures talk. We have already fulfilled over three of our election pledges before the end of our second year of good Conservative rule. And, what is more (gets up and starts to do dancing movements as he speaks) We hope ... that in the aut-tumn we shall int-ro-duceleg-is-lat-tion in the House to bene-fit all those in low-er in-come groups. And fur-ther-more we hope...

Enter a choreographer.

Choreographer

No, no, no, no... look, luv, it's and... (does the movements) one and two and three and four, and five and six and seven and down.

Politician

(trying the last bit) ... five and six and seven and down... it's so much harder with the words.

Choreographer

Well, don't think of them. Just count four in your head.

Politician

And ... one and fur-ther two and three and ... no, I can't really...

Choreographer

Yes, well come on and do it with me, come on. And ...

Both

Fur-ther-more we hope that we can stop the ris-ing un-em-ploy-ment. (they finish up with finger on chin, as in a thirties musical)

Choreographer

And point 'unemployment' with your finger.

Politician

I see. I can do it when you're here.

Choreographer

I won't be far away. All right, Neville love, we're going from 'unemployment' through 'pensions' into 'good government is strong government' and the walk down, all fight? And ... cue, love.

Politician

And fur-ther-more we hope that we can stop the ris-ing un-em-ploy-ment at a stroke or e-ven quick-er.

Enter a line of six male dancers, doing high kicks and a dance routine.

Dancers

And so when you get a chance to vote,Kind-ly vote Con-ser-va-tive.(the politician joins in)
Rising prices, unemployment,
Both stem from the wages spiral
Curb inflation, save the nation,
Join us now and save the economy.

They give an awful wave and cheesecake smile at the end, and hold it.

Choreographer

That's where you'll get the bunting and the ticker tape, Chris. Right, big smiles, everybody, remember you're cabinet ministers. And relax. (only now do they stop smiling and waving) Lovely, it's trans at eight, so nobody be late.

The camera crabs away. Through an open door it passes we see two Labour MPs, one on points, the other walking around with his hands on his hips. They are in leotards and dancers' leg warmers.

Labour MPs

We in the Lab-our Par-ty have al-ways made our po-si-tion quite clear... we have al-ways been op-posed to...

The camera continues to crab away. It comes to a door which says 'Star' on it. We zoom into this and mix through to:

ANIMATION: Wilson and Heath dance to 'The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy'.
Cut to the nude organist; he plays a chord.
Cut to the announcer at his desk.

Announcer

And now...

It's Man

It's...

Animated titles.
Cut to a studio: a silhouette of a man sitting on a high stool with book.

Another man enters, takes the book from his hands rather testily and stands by the chair. He smiles apologetically at the camera and reads.

Second Reader

The sunset was dying over the hills of Solway Firth. The lone piper on the battlements of Edinburgh Castle was silhouetted against the crim ... crim ... crimisy... crimson! against the crimson strays ... stree...

One more reader enters and reads over his shoulder.

Third Reader

Streaked!

Second Reader

Streaked?

Third Reader

Crimson-streaked sky ... in the shadows of... crrignu...

He can't make out the next word. The second reader also tries to puzzle it out and eventually Jeremy pulls the book down towards him and they all try to puzzle it out. A lot of head shaking. A technician enters wearing headphones.

There are a few bars of bagpipe music. Suddenly there is a scream and he disappears. Cut to interior of stone-walled guardroom inside Edinburgh Castle. Ten kilted Scottish guardsmen with bagpipes in a line. A sergeant major at the door taps one on the shoulder.

RSM

Next!

The next goes outside. We hear pipes start, the sergeant smiles. Cut to castle battlements. The piper plays and then jumps off. We hear the scream as before. Another piper emerges and goes through the same routine.

Voice Over

(Scottish accent) Here on top of Edinburgh Castle, in conditions of extreme secrecy, men are being trained for the British Army's first Kamikaze Regiment, the Queen's Own McKamikaze Highlanders. (there is a scream and a piper jumps off, another one emerges and starts to play) So successful has been the training of the Kamikaze Regiment that the numbers have dwindled from 30,000 to just over a dozen in three weeks. What makes these young Scotsmen so keen to kill themselves?

Close ups of soldiers.

Scots Soldier

The money's good!

Second Soldier

And the water skiing! (he falls down with a scream)

Cut to interior of the guardroom in Edinburgh Castle. As before, but with only six men left plus the sergeant major. Bagpipes and a scream. The sergeant major dispatches another man. A captain enters. Bagpipes again.

RSM

Ten-shun.

Captain

All right, sergeant major. At ease. Now, how many chaps have you got left?

Jolly good show, sergeant major. (we hear bagpipes starting up outside) Well, I've come to tell you that we've got a job for your five lads.

There is a scream.

RSM

Four, sir.

Captain

For your four lads.

RSM

(whispering to another man) Good luck, Taggart.

Taggart

Thank you, sarge. (he goes)

Captain

(looking rather uncertainly at the man leaving) Now this mission's going to be dangerous, (bagpipes start) and it's going to be tough, and we're going to need every lad of yours to pull his weight. (the usual scream in the background) Now, which ... er ... which four are they?

The same frontage of smart London salon as before. Only this time the big sign reads 'No Time To Lose Advice Centre'. The same bowler-hatted man goes in. The same interior, same desk. A consultant sits behind it, and motions for the man to sit down.

Consultant

Morning, no time to lose ... (he picks up a card which reads 'no time to lose'; he keeps flashing it every so often) Now then, how were you thinking of using the phrase?

He pulls down a blind behind him on the right which also reads 'no time to lose' in large letters. He lets it go and it rolls up again fast.

Man

Well, I was thinking of using it ... er .. like .., well ... 'good morning dear, what is in no time to lose?'

Consultant

Er yes ... well ... you've not quite got the hang of that, have you.

He gets out a two-foot-square cube with 'no time to lose' in the same lettering as it always is, and puts it on the desk. He points to this in a manic way with a forefinger. He has the words 'no time to lose' on the back of his hand.

Consultant

(sings) No time to lose, no time to lose, no time to lose, no time to lose. (to stop the manic fit he reaches inside desk, pours a drink from a bottle on which is written 'no time to lose') Now, you want to use this phrase in everyday conversation, is that right?

Man

Yes, that's right.

Consultant

Yes ... good ...

He stands up, makes a strange noise, and flings the back of his jacket up over his head revealing 'no time to lose' written on the inside of the back lining of his jacket, upside down so that it is the right way up when it is revealed.

Man

You see my wife and I have never had a great deal to say to each other ... (tragic, heart-rending music creeps in under the dialogue) In the old days we used to find things to say, like 'pass the sugar'... or, 'that's my flannel', but in the last ten or fifteen years there just hasn't seemed to be anything to say, and anyway I saw your phrase advertised in the paper and I thought, that's the kind of thing I'd like to say to her...

The consultant pushes down a handle and a large screen comes up in front of him. On it is written 'no time to lose'. He burts through the paper.

Consultant

Yes, well, what we normally suggest for a beginner such as yourself, is that you put your alarm clock back ten minutes in the morning, so you can wake up, look at the clock and use the phrase immediately. (he holds up the card briefly) Shall we try it?

Man

Yes.

Consultant

All right - I'll be the alarm clock. When I go off, look at me and use the phrase, OK? (ticks then imitates ringing)

Man

No! Time to lose!

Consultant

No... No time to lose.

Man

No time to lose?

Consultant

No time to lose.

Man

No time to lose.

Consultant

No - to lose... like Toulouse in France. No time Toulouse.

Man

No time too lose...

Consultant

No time Toulouse.

Man

No time Toulouse...

Consultant

No! - no time to lose!

Man

No - no time to lose!

ANIMATION: Toulouse-Lautrec in a wild-west gunfight.

Voice Over

No-time Toulouse. The story of the wild and lawless days of the post-Impressionists.

Cut back to the guardroom at Edinburgh Castle. MacDonald is edging towards the window.

Captain

Anyway, no time to lose, sergeant major.

RSM

Look out, sir! MacDonald!

They both rush to window and grab MacDonald's legs as he disappears through it.

RSM

We'll have to hurry, sir. (they haul him back into the room to reveal he is carrying a saw with which he starts trying to saw off his head) No, put that down MacDonald. (he snatches the saw and throws it away) He's reached the sixth plane already, sir.

Captain

Right, here are the plans sergeant major, good luck.

RSM

Thank you, sir. (he salutes)

MacDonald is by now trying to strangle himself with his bare hands.

Captain

And good luck to you, MacDonald.

MacDonald breaks off from strangling himself, to offer a snappy salute.

MacDonald

Thank you, sir.

He immediately snaps back into trying to strangle himself.

RSM

Right you are, MacDonald. No time to lose.

Captain

Very good, sergeant major.

Quick cut to the consultant in the office.

Consultant

Yes, excellent...

Cut back to the gates of Edinburgh Castle. Dawn. Music. As the voice starts the gates open and a lorry emerges.

Voice Over

So it was that on a cold November morning, RSM Urdoch and Sapper MacDonald, one of the most highly trained Kamikaze experts the Scottish Highlands have ever witnessed, left on a mission which was to... oh I can't go on with this drivel.

By this time we have cut to a close up of the cab to show RSM Urdoch at the wheel, with MacDonald beside him. MacDonald has a revolver and is apparently having an unsuccessful game of Russian roulette.

RSM

All right, MacDonald, no time to lose.

Suddenly MacDonald hurls himself out of the lorry.

MacDonald

Aaaaaaugh!

The RSM slams the brakes on. Skidding noises. Cut to shot of the lorry skidding to a halt. The RSM leaps out, picks up MacDonald who is lying on the floor hitting himself, and loads him into the back of the lorry. He gets back into the lorry and they start off again. They haven't gone more than a few yards before we see MacDonald leap out of the back of the lorry, race round to the front and throw himself down in front of the lorry. The lorry runs right over him. He picks himself up after it has gone, races up to the front and tries it again... and again... and again... and again... and again...
Cut to the captain, standing in front of a huge map. He points with a stick.

Captain

Well, that's the mission - now here's the method. RSM Murdoch will lull the enemy into a false sense of security by giving them large quantities of money, a good home, and a steady job. Then, when they're upstairs with the wife, Sapper MacDonald will hurl himself at the secret documents, destroying them and himself. Well, that's the plan, the time is now 19.42 hours. I want you to get to bed, have a good night's rest and be up on parade early in the morning. Thank you for listening and thank you for a lovely supper.

Pull out to reveal that he is in a very small sitting room, alone apart from his wife who sits knitting by the fire not listening to a word he's saying.

Cut to the 'Book at Bedtime' set. Seven or eight technicians, a make-up girl. etc. still crowding around Toogood as he tries to read.

Toogood

And...and...sue...so...the...the...intripid...

Make-up Girl

Intrepid.

All

Intrepid.

Toogood

Intrepid RSM Urdoch and super...

Technician

Sapper.

Toogood

Sapper MacDonald...mead...

Several

Made!

Toogood

Made their why...

Several

Way!

Toogood

Way toarra...

Make-up Girl

Towards...

Toogood

Towards the Rusty...Ritzy...

All

Russian!

Toogood

Russian bolder...

All

Border!

Map with an animated line showing the route.

Toogood's Voice

...and so RSM Urdoch and Sapper MacDonald made their way towards the Russian bolder...

Penguins, yes, penguins. What relevance do penguins have to the furtherance of medical science? Well, strangely enough quite a lot, a major breakthrough, maybe. It was from such an unlikely beginning as an unwanted fungus accidentally growing on a sterile plate that Sir Alexander Fleming gave the world penicillin. James Watt watched an ordinary household kettle boiling and conceived the potentiality of steam power. Would Albert Einstein ever have hit upon the theory of relativity if he hadn't been clever? All these tremendous leaps forward have been taken in the dark. Would Rutherford ever have split the atom if he hadn't tried? Could Marconi have invented the radio if he hadn't by pure chance spent years working at the problem? Are these amazing breakthroughs ever achieved except by years and years of unremitting study? Of course not. What I said earlier about accidental discoveries must have been wrong. Nevertheless scientists believe that these penguins, these comic flightless web-footed little bastards may finally unwittingly help man to fathom the uncharted depths of the human mind. Professor Rosewall of the Laver Institute.

A scientist with tennis courts in the background. He wears a white coat.

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'PROF. KEN ROSEWALL'

Scientist

(Australian accent) Hello. Here at the Institute Professor Charles Pasarell, Dr Peaches Bartkowicz and myself have been working on the theory originally postulated by the late Dr Kramer that the penguin is intrinsically more intelligent than the human being.

He moves over to a large diagram which is being held by two tennis players in full tennis kit but wearing the brown coats of ordinary laboratory technicians. The diagram shows a penguin and a man in correct proportional size with their comparative brain capacities marked out clearly showing the man's to be much larger than the penguin's.

Scientist

The first thing that Dr Kramer came up with was that the penguin has a much smaller brain than the man. This postulate formed the fundamental basis of all his thinking and remained with him until his death.

Flash cut of elderly man in tennis shirt and green eye shade getting an arrow in the head. Cut back to the scientist now with diagram behind him. It shows a man and a six foot penguin.

Scientist

Now we've taken this theory one stage further. If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height as the man and then compare the relative brain sizes, we now find that the penguin's brain is still smaller. But, and this is the point, it is larger than it was.

For a penguin to have the same size of brain as a man the penguin would have to be over sixty-six feet high.

She moves to the left and comes upon a cut-out of the lower visible part of a sixty-six feet high penguin. She looks up at it. Cut back to the scientist.

Scientist

This theory has become known as the waste of time theory and was abandoned in 1956. (slight edit with jump visible) Hello again. Standard IQ tests gave the following results. The penguins scored badly when compared with primitive human sub-groups like the bushmen of the Kalahari but better than BBC programme planners. (he refers to graph decorated with little racquets which shows bushmen with 23, penguins with 13 and BBC planners' with 8) The BBC programme planners surprisingly high total here can be explained away as being within the ordinary limits of statistical error. One particularly dim programme planner can cock the whole thing up.

CAPTION: 'YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN'

Cut to a tennis player in a changing room taking off his gym shoes. In the background two other players discuss shots.

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'DR LEWIS HOAD'

Hoad

These IQ tests were thought to contain an unfair cultural bias against the penguin. For example, it didn't take into account the penguins extremely poor educational system. To devise a fairer system of test, a team of our researchers spent eighteen months in Antarctica living like penguins, and subsequently dying like penguins - only quicker - proving that the penguin is a clever little sod in his own environment.

Cut to the scientist.

Scientist

Therefore we devised tests to be given to the penguins in the fourth set ... I do beg your pardon, in their own environment.

Voice

Net!

Scientist

Shh!

Cut to a professor and team surrounding penguins standing in a pool.

Professor

What is the next number in this sequence - 2, 4, 6. . .

A penguin squawks.

Professor

Did he say eight? ... (sighs) What is...

Cut back to the scientist.

Scientist

The environmental barrier had been removed but we'd hit another: the language barrier. The penguins could not speak English and were therefore unable to give the answers. This problem was removed in the next series of experiments by asking the same questions to the penguins and to a random group of non-English-speaking humans in the same conditions.

Cut to the professor and his team now surrounding a group of foreigners who are standing in a pool looking bewildered.

Professor

What is the next number? 2, 4, 6... (long pause)

Swedish Person

. . . Hello?

Cut back to the scientist.

Scientist

The results of these tests were most illuminating. The penguins scores were consistently equal to those of the non-English-speaking group.

Cut to the foreigners having fish thrown at them, which they try to catch in their mouths, and a penguin with a menu at a candlelit table with a woman in evening dress and a waiter trying to take an order.
Cut to Dr Hoad taking a shower.

The lorry drives off past a sign saying 'Russian bolder' with 'bolder' crossed out and 'border' written in.
Cut to Red Square.

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE KREMLIT'

The 't' is crossed out and 'n ' written in. Cut to two Russian majors in a conference room.

First Major

Svientitzi hobonwy kratow sveguminurdy.

SUPERIMPOSED SUBTITLES: 'THESE ARE THE VERY IMPORTANT SECRET DOCUMENTS I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT'

Second Major

We must study them in conditions of absolute secrecy.

Superimposed subtitle in Russian.

First Major

(speaks in Russian)

SUPERIMPOSED SUBTITLE: 'WHAT?'

Second Major

(looking up) Look out!

SUPERIMPOSED SUBTITLE: 'REGARDEZ LA!'

They cower as MacDonald flashes through the skylight and lands on the table where he lies rigid with his knees drawn up. He ticks ominously.

Second Major

He hasn't gone off.

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ZE HABE NICHT GESHPLODEN'

First Major

(speaks in Russian)

SUBTITLE: 'QUICK! RING THE UNEXPLODED SCOTSMAN SQUAD'

Second Major

Yes my General!

Superimposed subtitle in Chinese.

Cut to a phone ringing on the branch of a tree. Pull back to show a Scotsman lying on his back with his knees drawn up in the middle of a field. Two Russian bomb experts are crawling towards him cautiously.

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'UNEXPLODED SCOTSMAN DISPOSAL SQUAD'

They go to work on him. Tense close ups. They sweat. Finally they remove his head. One of them runs hurriedly and places it in a bucket labelled 'Vodka '.

And welcome to 'Spot the Loony', where once again we invite you to come with us all over the world to meet all kinds of people in all kinds of places, and ask you to . .. Spot the Loony! (crescendo of music)

Cut to Svensson. He is standing on his head on the desk with his legs crossed in a yoga position. He wears a loincloth and high-heeled shoes. He talks through a megaphone which is strapped to his head.

Cut to another section of the panel's desk. Dame Elsie. Her bottom half is encased in the side of a block of concrete which is also on top of the desk. Dame Elsie is thus parallel to the ground. She has fairy wings on her back, a striped t-shirt, flying gloves, goggles and a green wig.

Dame Elsie

Good evening.

Cut back to the presenter.

Presenter

And Miles Yellowbird, up high in banana tree, the golfer and inventor of Catholicism.

Cut to final section of the desk. A man dressed as a rabbit, with a megaphone strapped to one eye.

Miles

Good evening.

Presenter

And we'll be inviting them to... Spot the Loony. (a phone rings on the desk; he picks it up) Yes? Quite right ... A viewer from Preston there who's pointed out correctly that the entire panel are loonies. Five points to Preston there, and on to our first piece of film. It's about mountaineering and remember you have to... Spot the Loony!

Cut to a shot of a mountain. Very impressive stirring music.

Voice Over

The legendary south face of Ben Medhui, dark ... forbidding...

In the middle distance are two bushes a few yards apart. At this point a loony dressed in a long Roman toga, with tam o'shanter, holding a cricket bat, runs from one bush to the other. Loud buzz. The film freezes. Pull out from screen to reveal the freeze frame of the film with the loony in the middle bush on the screen immediately behind the presenter. The presenter is on the phone.

Presenter

Yes, well done, Mrs Nesbitt of York, spotted the loony in 1.8 seconds. (cut to stock fiilm of Women's Institute applauding) On to our second round, and it's photo time. We're going to invite you to look at photographs of Tony Jacklin, Anthony Barber, Edgar Allan Poe, Katy Boyle, Reginald Maudling, and a loony. All you have to do is ... Spot the Loony! (cut to a photo of Anthony Barber; the buzzer goes immediately) No ... I must ask you please not to ring in until you've seen all the photos.

Back to the photo sequence and music. Each photo is on the screen for only two seconds, and in between each there is a click as of a slide projector changing or even the sound of the shutter of a camera. The photos show in sequence: Anthony Barber, Katy Boyle, Edgar Allan Poe, a loony head and shoulders. He has ping-pong ball eyes, several teeth blocked out, a fright wig and his chest is bare but across it is written 'A Loony', Reginald Maudling, Tony Jacklin. A buzzer sounds.

Presenter

Yes, you're right. The answer was, of course, number two! (cut to stock film of Women's Institute applauding) I'm afraid there's been an error in our computer. The correct answer should of course have been number four, and not Katy Boyle. Katy Boyle is not a loony, she is a television personality. (fanfare as for historical pageant; a historical-looking shield comes up on screen) And now it's time for 'Spot the Loony, historical adaptation'. (historical music) And this time it's the thrilling medieval romance 'Ivanoe'... a stirring story of love and war, violence and chivalry, set midst the pageantry and splendour of thirteenth-century England. All you have to do is, 'Spot the Loony'.

CAPTION: 'IVANOE'

Cut to a butcher shop. A loony stands in the middle (this is the same loony from 'Silly Election' with enormous trousers and arms inside them and green fright wig). Another loony in a long vest down to his knees with a little frilly tutu starting at the knees and bare feet is dancing with a side of beef also wearing a tutu. Another loony in oilskins with waders and sou'wester and fairy wings is flying across the top of picture. Another man dressed us a bee is standing on the counter. Another loony is dressed as a carrot leaning against the counter going: 'pretty boy, pretty boy'. A cocophony of noise. We see this sight for approximately five seconds. Fantastic loud buzzes.

Presenter

Yes, well done, Mrs L of Leicester, Mrs B of Buxton and Mrs G of Gotwick, the loony was of course the writer, Sir Walter Scott.

Cut to Sir Walter Scott in his study.

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'SIR WALTER SCOTT 1771 - 1832,

Scott

(looking through his papers indignantly) I didn't write that! Sounds more like Dickens...

Was Sir Walter Scott a loony, or was he the greatest flowering of the early nineteenth-century romantic tradition? The most underestimated novelist of the nineteenth century... (another introducer of documentaries comes into shot and walks up to the first) . . . or merely a disillusioned and embittered man ...

Second Producer

Excuse me ... (pointing at the microphone) can I borrow that, please.

First Producer

... yes.

Second Producer

Thank you. (he immediately starts on his own documentary) These trees behind me now were planted over forty years ago, as part of a policy by the then Crown Woods, who became the Forestry Commission in 1924. (he starts to walk towards the forest) The Forestry Commission systematically replanted this entire area...

The first producer follows behind.

First Producer

Excuse me.

Second Producer

Sh! That's forty thousand acres of virgin forest. By 1980 this will have risen to two hundred thousand acres of soft woods. In commercial terms, a coniferous cornucopia... an evergreen El Dorado... (the first producer runs and makes a feeble grab for the mike)... a tree-lined treasure trove ... No ... a fat fir-coned future for the financiers ... but what of the cost ...

First Producer

It's mine!

Second Producer

(to first producer) Go away ... in human terms? Who are the casualties?

The first producer makes a lunge and grabs the mike. He stops and the camera stops with him.

First Producer

For this was Sir Walter Scott's country. Many of his finest romances, such as 'Guy Mannering' and 'Redgauntlet'...

Second Producer

Give that back!

First Producer

No. (they grapple a bit. The first producer just manages to keep hold of it as he goes down onto the ground) Scott showed himself to be not only a fine...

The second producer manages to grab the mike and runs off leaving the first producer on the ground. The camera follows the second producer.

Second Producer

(running) The spruces and flowers of this forest will be used to create a whole new industry here in...

The first producer brings him down with a diving rugger tackle and grabs the mike.

First Producer

... also a writer of humour and...

They are both fighting and rolling around on the ground.

Second Producer

Britain's timber resources are being used up at a rate of...

The first producer hits him, and grabs the mike.

First Producer

One man who knew Scott was Angus Tinker.

A sunlit university quad with classical pillars. Gentle classical music. Tinker is standing next to one of the pillars. He is a tweed-suited academic.

CAPTION: 'ANGUS TINKER'

Tinker

Much of Scott's greatest work, and I'm thinking here particularly of 'Heart of Midlothian' and 'Old Mortality' for example, was concerned with... (at this point a hand appears from behind the pillar and starts to go slowly but surely for the mike) preserving the life and conditions of a... (the mike is grabbed away from him)

Voice

Forestry research here has shown that the wholly synthetic soft timber fibre can be created... (Tinker looks behind the pillar to discover a forestry expert in tweeds crouched) ... leaving the harder trees, the oaks, the beeches and the larches... (Tinker chases him out into the quad) and the pines, and even some of the deciduous hardwoods.

CAPTION: 'A FORESTRY EXPERT'

Forestry Expert

This new soft-timber fibre would totally replace the plywoods, hardboards and chipboards at present dominating the...

A Morris Minor speeds up round the quad and passes straight in front of the expert and the first producer's hand comes out and grabs the mike. Cut to interior of the Morris Minor as it speeds out of quad and out into country. The first producer keeps glancing nervously over shoulder.

First Producer

In the Waverley novels... Scott was constantly concerned to protect a way of life...

He ducks as we hear the sound of a bullet ricochet from the car. Cut to shot through the back window. The second producer is chasing in a huge open American 1930's gangster car driven by a chauffeur in a thirties kit. He is shooting.

First Producer

....safeguarding nationalist traditions and aspiration, within the necessary limitations of the gothic novel...

More bullets. The American car draws level. The second producer leans over trying to grab the mike. Still attempting to say their lines, both of them scramble for the microphone as the cars race along. Eventually the cars disappear round a corner and we hear a crash.
Cut to Toogood, surrounded by people, holding the book very close to his face and peering closely at the print. MacDonald lies on the floor in front of them.

Toogood

Then... theen... the... the end! The End. (looks up)

Cut to film (no sound) of Edward Heath. The 'Spot the Loony' buzzer goes. Roll credits. Cut to BBC world symbol.

... the daffy exploits of the RAMC training school. He's in charge of a group of mad medicos, and when they run wild it's titty jokes galore. (medical students run past him waving bras) Newcomer Veronica Papp plays the girl with the large breasts. (a young lady runs past wearing only briefs) Week two sees the return of the wacky exploits of the oddest couple you've ever seen - yes, 'Dad's Pooves'...

... the kooky oddball laugh-a-minute fun-a-plenty world of unnatural sexual practices. (the first man spanks the judge with a string of sausages) Week three brings a change of pace with a new comedy schedule. With Reg Cuttleworth, Trevor Quantas, and Cindy Rommel as Bob, in 'On the Dad's Liver Bachelors at Large', (caption of this title and several loony still photos of the cast) keeping the buses running from typical bedsit land in pre-war Liverpool. That's followed by 'The Ratings Game' - the loony life of a BBC programme planner with the accent on repeats. (Michael's loony again)

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE RATINGS GAME'

Continuity Voice

Edie Phillips-Bong plays Kevin Vole, the programme planner with a problem and his comic attempts to pass the time. Week six sees the return of 'Up The Palace'... (stock film of the investiture of the Prince of Wales)

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'UP THE PALACE'

Continuity Voice

... the zany exploits of a wacky Queen, and that's followed by 'Limestone, Dear Limestone'... (long shot of a cliff with two people high up on it)

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'LIMESTONE DEAR LIMESTONE'

Continuity Voice

... the wacky days of the late Pleistocene era when much of Britain's rock strata was being formed. All this and less on 'Comedy Ahoy'. But now, BBC Television is closing down for the night. Don't forget to switch off your sets. Goodnight.