SCUM Certified Agile Master
(SCAM) Certification Training

You can choose to take on the title SCUM Certified
TM
Agile Master, or more colloquially
SCAMmer, by passing our two-day certification
course. We want to be perfectly clear about this, by taking this “certification
course” what we’re certifying is that you attended the course. It is your
choice (nod nod, wink wink) if you wish to present yourself as a professional
SCAMmer. Yes, about 99.8% of course attendees choose to do this, why would you
take the course otherwise?

Course Outline

This course overviews the
Huddle agile process framework, a very small part of the overall system
delivery process which through clever rhetoric and playing to the prejudices of
the developers und program engineers (DUPEs)
who attend the course we've made it out to be the only thing that you need to
understand about software process. The course also inculcates you to the
SCUM Alliance's
definitive organizational
general mastery of agile (DOGMA).

The importance of the Daily Huddle, where you share your current status (although it really isn’t a
status meeting), share how you promoted Huddle to your non-agile colleagues
yesterday, and pledge allegiance to the
SCUM Alliance.

How to ignore all the prescriptive advice contained within
Huddle and instead believe that it is
empirical, not that being empirical is an even remotely important aspect
of a software process.

The importance of non-sensible terminology.

If this sounds hard then don't worry, the SCUM CertifiedTMSCAM Artist
teaching the course will do lots of hand waving around any complex issues which
may arise (they may not have any real world experience at agile development
anyway). Don't worry, we're training you in a
process framework
which is little more than consultware anyway.

In short, there's about six hours of material spread out over two days.
Furthermore, you could have read it for yourself in about two hours from any
number of web sites, but we know you won't do that because you're just too darn
lazy and are desperately looking for an easy certification
anyway.

How to Sign Up

Cost

The cost of the SCAM course varies depending on the Certified SCAM Artist,
put typically ranges from $1,395 to $1,995 per DUPE.

What You Get

First and foremost, you get a certificate indicating that you took the
course. You also get a nifty
SCUM Alliance binder containing a photocopy of the
course materials. Furthermore, at the discretion of the SCUM CertifiedTMSCAM Artist
they may choose to give you a complimentary copy of their most recent book that
they’ve written, if any. Granted, those SCUM CertifiedTMSCAM Artist have a tendency
to charge more for their courses so it more than balances out. You won't
get anything free from the likes of us.

But wait, there’s more! After you’ve completed the course we’ll also email
you the graphics files for logos that you can use in email signatures and
business cards to indicate that you’re a
SCAMmer. Remember, this is your
choice to do so, we’re merely making these graphics available to enable you to
promote the SCAM certification program to your friends and colleagues.

Coming Soon: Certification Testing

Starting July 1st, 2009 every
DUPE
will be required to write the Online SCAM Certification Test in addition to
taking the SCAM certification training. The certification has been carefully
designed by members of the SCUM inner circle to test that you understand key
dogma that will only be delivered in the SCAM course, ensuring that all
DUPEs
are motivated to pay attention in class. In the past there’s been a concern
that some
DUPE
viewed our SCAM program as an easy way to get certification.

Anyone who became a
SCAMmer on or after January 1st 2009 will be
grand-fathered in and will not be required to write the new test. People who
became
SCAMmers before January 1st 2009 will be asked to write the test but will
not be charged for it. We expect there to be a 98-99% pass rate – as long as
you haven’t been foolish enough to publicly question
Huddle in a public forum
such as the
huddledevelopment@yahoogroups.com mailing list (controlled/administered by
the SCUM Alliance) or be a member of the breakaway site implementinghuddle.com
then you should be ok.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why should I want to become a SCUM CertifiedTM
Agile Master? A:
Becoming a SCAMmer is clearly good for your career prospects because many
organizations now require that
DUPEs
become
SCAMmers.

What is actually being certified here? A: By paying for and then
attending the SCUM CertifiedTM
Agile Master (SCAM) course the SCUM Alliance
certifies that you have taking the SCAM Course. It is completely up to you
(wink wink) if you wish to indicate that you are a SCUM Certified Agile
Master, or
SCAMmer for short, on business cards or your email signature.

Will I get PDUs for taking this course? Of course you will!
You should see some of the stuff that will help you get PDUs, many of them
put SCAM to shame when it comes to lack of content.

Am I qualified? A: As long as your check doesn't bounce, you too can become a
SCUM CertifiedTMSCAMmer.

Is it possible to “earn” an even easier certification within the IT
community? A: No, this is the easiest certification that you can ever hope
to “earn”. Remember, we’re only certifying that you took the SCAM course
(nod nod, wink wink).

Do organizations really respect this certification? A: Most HR
departments are desperately understaffed these days and are unable to keep
up with the rapidly changing IT landscape. Because they have seen a large
number of people claim to be SCUM Certified Agile Masters on their resumes
they have blind faith that the certification means something.

What will happen if my organization's HR department catches on? Won't I
be disciplined for deceiving people as to my qualifications? A: Don’t
worry, this rarely seems to happen. If you don’t point out how arduous the
“certification process” actually was it’s unlikely that your management will
ever catch on. If so, don’t worry, as there are a lot of organizations who
are completely oblivious to the full extent of the SCAM.

Is this ethical? A: Thousands of people have chosen to become
SCAMmers,
so it must be ethical.

Won't I appear to be a bit pathetic to my colleagues? A: What is this,
high school? Stand tall and be proud that you've joined the
illustrious ranks of the
SCAMmers. They're likely just jealous of you
anyway. You don't need their approval, and you're a very special
person just the way that you are.

What do agile thought leaders think about this? A: Several of them
couldn’t resist the lure of easy money and have chosen to become SCUM
CertifiedTMSCAM Artists, so they can’t publicly share their actual thoughts for fear of
being cut off the gravy train. The rest pretty much don’t have the
integrity to stand up and say anything, instead privately hoping that the
SCUM Alliance will eventually self destruct as the result of our unmitigated
greed and ethical flexibility. After 7 years in operation I guess we’ve
proven them wrong.

Will I be able to sleep at night if I become a
SCAMmer? A: Don’t worry,
there’s a lot of really great over the counter medication that you can take
if this becomes a problem.

Parting Thoughts

Yes, this is an
April
Fool's Day joke. Sadly, this
collection of pages is a
parody of a very serious ethical lapse within the agile community. I
believe that we can do much better. My hope is that this joke has
made you step back and think about what's going on around you. Being a
"Certified X", whatever X happens to be, implies that you've done something to
earn that certification. If you've done very little to earn a certification then
at best that's what your certification is worth: very little. If you're
involved in a questionable
certification scheme, regardless of whatever justifications that you tell
yourself you have still shamed both yourself and your so-called profession.
If you turn a blind eye to people who claim to be "certified masters" after
doing almost nothing to earn that certification then you too are complicit: As
Edmund Burke first said, all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for
good men to do nothing. I invite everyone in the agile community to read
Ethics for the Real World and to stand up and show some integrity -- Until
then, our
integrity debt will continue to grow.
Enough is enough.