The Biggest Loser Recap 04/05/11 - All Hail The Dairy Queen

It's the Courtney show this week, TBL fans - all Courtney, all the time. (Except for the Creepiest Flirting Scene Ever, starring dateless & desperate Hannah, but I'm getting ahead of myself.) As sole surviving Red Team member, Courtney and trainer Brett have to pull a rabbit out of their hat and get Courtney's weight loss back on track - or both of them are gone. A trainer elimination! Which, I guess, makes sense - you don't do your job, you get canned. Reality shows mirroring actual reality! Who would've thunk it?

At pop challenge, Ali sports a brand-spankin'-new style of the lululemon scuba hoodie (yes, I am well-versed in sportswear garb). The challenge is as simple as they come - the teams must judge the distance of one mile at an outdoor site. There are black markers along the course, and the team is to plant a flag at the marker that they judge to be the one-mile mark. The prize is a night on the town, the "town" in question being Hollywood. Taking a page out of the Hell's Kitchen book o'punishments, the losers will clean the ranch. Hannah's got her game face on, claiming she "needs" a night out. The contestants choose to count paces while walking, which puzzles me - they run on damn treadmills morning, noon, and night, do they not time their mile runs and keep track of their pace? Are these not a group of people who are training for a marathon? Well, whatever...Hannah's desire appears to give her the edge, as the black team lands on the correct mark. There was some slight dumb luck involved as well, since the time buzzer went off and they chose the nearest marker.

After some endless footage of Courtney and Brett plotting to take over the world get Courtney to start seeing significant losses again, and Jillian spanks Rulon (figuratively, though that might be some editing on the producers' part) over the Tortillagate episode from last week's weigh-in, it's time for the Black Team's big night out. First they have to break the news to Jillian, who's unhappy that they're leaving campus. Then it's time to spruce up, which for the guys means a shower and some clothes that fit. For Hannah, there's some deep shoe love - understandable, since the shoes are truly fabulous. All three clean up nicely, and they leave the ranch - which is a shocking pigsty - to the ministrations of the remaining teams.

After being taken aback by the bright lights of Hollywood (neatly ensuring none of the scum of Hollywood is included in the shots), the team noshes at an Asian restaurant, keeping it healthy and low-cal. While they partake, some oily-looking dude slithers up the table. He's apparently a reality TV fan (and since he's got that actor-slash-waiter look, probably a wanna-be contestant) as he is familiar with TBL. Rulon and Jay unforgivably ditch Hannah at the table with Oily Dude, but Hannah keeps her hormones in check and converses calmly. Oily Dude, of course, is no Curtis Stone.

Gratuitous product-placement time! Woo-hoo! Today it's courtesy of that slick corporate schill Bob, who brings his Blue Team an assortment of junk food. Under the pretense of showing them how to eat the tasty stuff without overloading on the calories, Bob whips out something called Wholly Guacamole, which is delicious avocado spread packaged in BPA-laden plastic bags. Sigh. In the time it takes to open the package, you could make your own guac with a ripe avocado and a fork and a spritz of lemon juice. Just saying.

Oh look, an hour left, must be time for the weigh-in. With my middle finger poised above the fast-forward button, I bring you the weigh-in numbers for week 3,435 of the season. Or maybe it just feels that long.

Chaos ensues. Trainers wail and stamp their feet. The girls' clique - Hannah, Olivia, Irene - weep and nominate Courtney for sainthood. Even hard-hearted Ali wipes tears from her heavily-mascaraed eyes. Do I exaggerate? Not even a little. Rather anti-climactically, Ali dismisses trainer Brett soon after Courtney, which appears to shock the other trainers. Well, in this economy, that shouldn't surprise anyone. Courtney, really a nice girl, is serenely stoic amid her overly emotional teammates. She goes home to a welcome-back party at her family's Dairy Queen, which is too obvious to bother making fun of. Her weight loss to date is impressive - from a TBL start weight of 323, she now rocks the scale at 210. That's a whopping 225 lbs since the start of her journey, folks. Congratulations, Courtney, and keep it up - I'm off to find me some sushi and some guacamole.

All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday NextI don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry RollinsAll this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels