Career advice for savvy 21st-century nurses from holistic career coach Keith Carlson

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

The Nurse, The Martyr, and The Oxygen Mask

Over the years, I’ve known a lot of different nurses. I’ve
known new nurses, seasoned nurses, frightened nurses, burned out nurses, and
nurses who were so jaded they couldn’t even see their patients if they were
right in front of their noses. I’ve known nurses who clocked out at the end of
their shift and never looked back, and I’ve known others who consistently
clocked out two hours late and then were up all night hoping their patients
were OK. It takes all kinds.

Many of us are nurses because we’re caring people, and when
someone asks why we became a nurse, we might say something like, “Oh, I like to
help people”. And that sounds nice. But we know there’s more to it than that,
don’t we?

Now, when we like to help people, that can truly be a
double-edged sword, can’t it? We care, we care some more, and then we find that
we’re caring so much that we can’t—or don’t--care about anything else. We eat
poorly, we sleep even worse than we eat, and maybe we drink, smoke, or we don’t
exercise because we’re too busy caring. Maybe, because we’re so caring,
everyone around us at home and in our neighborhoods feels free to ask us to
care some more. And we do. Again and again.

And then, one day, we wake up after all of this time caring
for others so well, and we realize that we haven’t been caring for ourselves.
We’re tired, we’re depressed, we’re overweight, and our relationships have
actually suffered (perhaps because we were busy caring so much about everyone but ourselves).

Take “Nurse Jackie”, for instance. Maybe you’ve seen it and
maybe you haven’t. I know I castigated the show here on Digital Doorway back in
its first season, but it turns out that the series has made some very good
points about nursing and healthcare, as unrealistic as it may often be.

Having said that, Nurse Jackie cares a lot. She goes the
extra mile, stealing meds for patients, giving them money, visiting them at
home, and otherwise doing what she feels is right. Meanwhile, she lies to
everyone in her personal and professional lives, and more or less continues to
“nurse” a pretty hefty addiction.

So, what addictions do you nurse? Is it an addiction to
caring? An addiction to being needed? Or is it an addiction to being so busy
that your thoughts, emotions, needs and desires are completely sublimated to
your identity as a nurse and a caring person?

I’m speaking from experience, here, folks. I’ve been there.
I’ve been burnt out. I’ve ignored my body, eschewed my spiritual growth and
otherwise thrown a wrench into my life in the service of being a caring,
compassionate nurse.

In the end, it all comes down to that same old “oxygen mask
theory”. Remember? When you get on a plane and the flight attendant
demonstrates how to put on your oxygen mask in case of a sudden change in cabin
pressure, they always say to put your own mask on first before you try to help
anyone else. And why? Because you’re useless to those who depend on you if
you’re not caring for yourself.

So, if some of us are prone to embody the archetype of the
nurse as hero or martyr, we’re always free to do that, but we can also rise
above the caricatures and stereotypes and do something radical by honoring
ourselves along the way.

Yes, we can choose to be the walking wounded, or we can
choose to be the walking well, living our lives with integrity, and making our
own self-care and wellness of equal importance to all of those others whom we
serve and care for.

It’s nice to be needed, and it’s nice to be loved and
appreciated. But if we’re getting so-called “secondary gain” out of being a nurse
martyr, then at some point we need to wake up, smell the coffee, and put our
own well-being back on the front burner.

In the course of my career, I’ve been all over this
particular map, and my personal mission is now about creating a life that’s balanced, sane,
healthy, and focused on my own well-being as much as anyone else’s. Sure, I
still catch myself trying to be the “uber-nurse”, helping everyone and doing
everything and more. But that’s the point: I catch myself, redirect my energy,
and make sure that I’m not burning my wick at three ends with no thought of the
‘morrow, as they say.

So, my friends, choose health. Choose your own well-being.
Choose to do enough, but not too much. And choose to be the kind of nurse who
cares for his- or herself in order to care for others better. It’s the right
thing to do, and that proverbial oxygen mask will serve you—and others—for
years to come.

----------

Keith Carlson, RN, BSN, NC-BC, is the Board Certified Nurse Coach behind NurseKeith.com and the well-known nursing blog, Digital Doorway. Please visit his online platforms and reach out for his support when you need it most.

Keith is co-host of RNFMRadio.com, a wildly popular nursing podcast; he also hosts The Nurse Keith Show, his own podcast focused on career advice and inspiration for nurses.

2 comments:

Hi there Keith,Great post! I couldn't agree with you more. I also have been at both ends of the spectrum and everywhere in between. I like your wording of "catching" yourself more quickly and shifting the energy from caring ONLY for others to having that balance (care for self & others). Caring for self will only make us better, more productive, and healthier, happier professionals.

I do have a question for you though- what about the nurses who say or think that they don't have the support in their role for self-care. Meaning, with financial pressures, fiscal crises, and staffing issues- what about the nurse that says- "all I do is work and that's what's expected of me and my work doesn't value self-care and no one cares and it's looked down upon..." and so on and so forth.

We can care for ourselves, but what about when the external environment doesn't support that? What then? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

As for your question, taking responsibility for our own self-care is paramount, even when we don't feel supported by others.

Many of us (myself included) can hold various external factors responsible for our personal situation(s), but no matter how unsupported we feel, it's up to us to manifest that support for ourselves, in the end.

I have honestly previously cast myself in what I would call the "victim" role in the "victim/perpetrator" matrix. It was easy to do, but I eventually had to see that I had the power (and responsibility) to extricate myself from that self-appointed role.

Having said that, there are always allies that we can recruit to our team, including friends, loved ones, coaches, therapists, and others. And when there's little or no support at work, we simply have to go against the grain and care for ourselves anyway, even if it's in small ways. And if the culture at a particular workplace is unhealthy enough to devalue you to the extent where you're hurting yourself, then it's time to move on to a healthier environment.