John Boehner: SCOTUS Should Do ‘The Right Thing and Kick Cancer Patients Off Their Insurance Over Semantics’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the entire nation awaits the Supreme Court verdict in the latest challenge to the Affordable Care Act — Obamacare as it’s also known — there is one man who already knows in his heart what the Supreme Court should do, at least in his estimation. Speaker of the House John Boehner was asked by reporters at a D.C. area diner where he was enjoying a Freedom Dip sandwich and a side salad with Freedom Dressing what he hopes the outcome of the King vs. Burwell case should be, and what his party will do should the court rule in a way that pleases his Republican caucus.

“Plain and simple,” Boehner said as he set his hip flask down on the table, “I think the American people want the Supreme Court to do the right thing and kick cancer patients off their insurance over a silly game of semantics.” Boehner, a Republican congressman from Ohio since 1990 also told the reporters who had found him at the diner that he has “no problem with a partisan and intentional misinterpretation of both the letter and spirit of a law” opening up the Medicare doughnut hole because as he says, “nowhere does it say in the Constitution we have to take care of old and sick people.” He further added that “kicking young college students off their mom and dad’s health insurance is the right thing to do if you believe in American freedom and not socialism. Immigrate to Europe and read the guide to your European card if you are so desperate for free care.”

Reporters pressed Boehner for details on any GOP plan to replace Obamacare, should the Supreme Court’s ruling gut the ability of the federal government to provide subsidies for states that do not set up their own insurance market exchange. “You want details,” Boehner asked rhetorically, “of my party’s Obamacare replacement? Why don’t you just crack open a history book, thumb back a few pages to pre-2010, and then you’ll have all the details you need.”

Boehner was asked if he meant to imply that the GOP doesn’t actually have a workable replacement for the landmark healthcare law. “We don’t need a workable replacement. We need to turn back the clock, as always, on the so-called progress of the progressives,” Boehner said dismissively. “I mean, if you think that people with pre-existing conditions not being turned away from health insurance providers is progress, that’s on you. If you think getting millions more people onto health insurance plans instead of waiting for a catastrophic emergency to seek medical care is progress, so be it. But we Republicans know the only way America stays great is by treating health care patients as tiny little carbon-based profit centers and nothing more.”

“You see, when we treat people as nothing more than little profit centers, we are getting back to what this country was founded for — keeping rich people rich as fuck,” Boehner said as he opened a second hip flask in his other hip pocket and took a belt. “All this ‘provide for the general welfare’ crap was just a capitulation from anti-federalists back in the day, it was never meant to be binding or even mean anything. They just needed the 18th-century equivalent of the hippie socialist libtards to sign the Constitution so it could be ratified, they could never have imagined the horror of trying to help people pay for their medicines if they can’t afford them,” Boehner told the press.