Hi. I am new here and am desperate for advice. I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when it was too late. I just got married last July and unbeknownst to the fact that I had this disease, I ruined it in mere weeks. I didn't know it at the time but I was in mania for 3 months. I had many of the behaviors associated with Bipolar and I and some others can now look back and realize they were present but flew under the radar. But what really stuck out was that I cheated on my new husband with three men over the course of that episode. I have always, always been known to be the most loyal and trustworthy person, according to my friends and family, including myself. I have always stuck to my morals and values throughout my lifetime. For months, through marriage counseling and now all alone, I had searched and serached for the motive behind my infidelity but was confused because I didn't know why. I had no reason. But when I finally found out about my condition and enrolled in a hospital program where I was educated on my condition everyday including group therapy, I finally learned to accept the fact that it was all due to the illness. It finally made sense that all of those events didn't make sense. Luckily, my new husband still hasn't kicked me to the curb (although we are currently separated), but he has met with the hospital professionals, our marriage counselor, and my therapist to learn about my illness and how it transformed me into my alter ego, but he can't accept it. He so adamently believes that I still had alterior motives for the things that I did to him. How do I get him to understand that everything that I did during those horrible three months will never be jusified by a motive; that there will never be an explanation or clarification for my actions? Can anyone relate to having cheated due to an episode? I need him to see that he isn't the only one in this world that has suffered infidelity due to the circumstances. Sorry for the lengthy e-mail. I tried to make it as short as possible.

My wife has this alter ego as well, and has cheated over the course of years. Sometimes late at night when I come home from work, the stereo is blasting and shes dancin like a Vagas stripper. It used to drive me nuts, but now I realize that I must deal with that alter ego in different ways to keep things sane with me. You will find your answers, but it will take time. Everybody, can cheat on their loved ones, bi polar or not, for its a part of being human. If you drink, that can open the altered ego and can do much damage- like infidelity, so think about what caused you to lose control in the first place. If you want to save your marriage, you will take careful precaucions not to repeat the same mistakes. Simple lessons can teach new behavior even the bipolar. If your husband hasnt decided to do the same to you as pay back, the marriage will survive. Everyday is walking a fine line with a bi polar wife, some choose to deal with the high stakes, some dont.

Thanks for the advice. Is your wife taking any meds or undergoing treatment? I went to the extent of being in a hospital program for two months, went on Lamictal (mood stabilizer) and Seroguel (anti-psychotic), am in individual and marital counseling. I also intend to enroll in a support group in my area. I have been informed that as long as I continue treatment and stay on meds for the rest of my life, the chances of me having a manic episode in the future are very, very slim. Are you saying that it is likely that it will happen again, even with treatment?*Destiny*

Yes to all your questions. She has taking many different drugs thoughout the years. Seroguel and lithobid, with a thyrod med on the side have been the best treatments so far. I'm sorry to say, even with meds, the chances of mania can happen again. Physical abuse, suicide attempts and many confussing events can and will happen. The thing I learned Destiny, is that if you have had any issues in the past as a child or teen, they will come through in adulthood, and it may seem like manic behavior, but it could be something that needs to be resolved. All people must face there demons, and some never do, but maybe your were hiding some frustations during the time of marriage which caused you to do the deeds. THIS DOESNT MEAN YOUR SICK! Many so called normal people have affairs, and your manic behavior was trying to tell you something.( Men cheat too, but they blame it on hormones, not illness ) Were you drinking alcohol during the times of the trysts? My wife only acts out during drinking, all of her bottled up feelings come out, which is good in some cases for she never talks deep sober.

Take a look at your life, put the meds and illness aside to think clear for a moment, find out who you really are inside. Dont place the blame on your illness, find who you are. All of your support groups and docs are not going to answer that question for you. You cant rely on science (meds) to keep you from affairs, it starts from the heart.

Tell me what happened, what caused you to venture off? What were you feeling at the time?

Well, I don't really know how to respond because my life was pretty much perfect. At 25, I had everything I could ever want and some. Being married to this man was something I had wanted for a long time. I never thought of cheating before that time. For God's sake, we had been married for two weeks! My life had just started to change for the better! I was always a homebody and didn't desire partying. I've never been a spender. In fact, I actually dislike shopping. I have always thought everything out before I do things. I even get crap for overanalyzing things. It was as if a light switch flicked and I was someone else. Someone I never desired to be. I never looked at this like an excuse for people to "buy". It actually took time for me to look past the fact that there were no alterior motives. I was flabbergasted that I was even capable of doing these things. I'm still baffled! I have no explanation. The only thing that I can think of that could possibly have triggered the mania was cold feet. But it wasn't bad and I was elated more than anything. I honestly couldn't wait. I'm just frustrated because we've been looking for answers for several months to why these things may have happened and nothing is even minutely clicking. There was just no reason for my behavior. BTW, thank you for taking the time to advise me on the situation . I can't lay any kind of foundation down for rebuilding the relationship because we have nothing. Just this illness. *Destiny*

Hi I am sir William's wife. Hope you don't mind that he showed me your e-mail, but I thought I could be of some help. Anything can happen in a manic state. I was diagnosed with Bi polar-Manic depression when I was 28. It should of been a lot sooner then that. Anyways I truly understand where you are coming from. Manic episodes can be truly harming. I still have them even though I am medicated!! I do feel in some ways that when I cheated I was in a manic faze!! But I can't put all the blame on my disease. I had to search really deep and try to figure out another source to why I did what I did. After lots of counseling sessions some of the reasons did start to surface. Keep up with your counseling it's truly the greatest thing you can do for your self. I know it's hard when your husband just doesn't get why, but it's wonderful that he is standing by you. The answers you both are looking for will eventualy come. Hang in there and take care. If you have any other questions feel free to ask.

i am new to the BP life, my wife was diagnosed on 1 march. a day after i found out she was cheating on me. we are still together but it has been rough. she is on meds but still gets manic and was with him again 4 days ago. i have been reading the other posts and see i am not alone with this even tho that is how i have been feeling. i would really like some advice about how to handle being married to someone with BP. i have read books and gone to counseling but am not doing so good. any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hello, I'm sorry to hear about your situation and the unknown you are facing. The years I spent picking apart BP, marriage, meds, and myself has giving me many different view points and have drawn some conclusions. I'm assuming your situation is different then mine, but here are logical steps to figure this problem out as a whole. I'm also assuming that you are not the cause of the infidelity. If you think there is any reason you could have caused the problem, i.e, not caring, listening, couch potato, etc.. then you know what to do on a personal level to better your marriage. Otherwise-Simply ask her, and get to the heart of the matter without emotional connection, and find out what she really wants in life. If no goals are clear, then you have a non-BP problem- simple relationship mechanics-everyone has those issues right? If she has past childhood issues, maybe that could be the cause as well- non BP stuff- but could link to the sudden illness. If not, here is what I know:

Put aside the hurt- the more you can clear your head the better you can figure out your own thoughts. Quit hurting yourself and beating yourself up. Remove the hurt. If the sight of her hurts you, she must leave for a week or so. You must protect yourself.

Bad deeds shall not go unpunished- Bp or not, we all must learn from our mistakes. If she shows no remorse for her actions, even when it was the bp doing it, it has to be known to her. Showing her that you will not stand for this will prompt her get control of the monster within if she really cares about the marriage, then she will do anything to save it. If she doesnt care about the consequences, then you know its over. ( allow someone else deal with a BP woman)

Be patient- Change takes time, allow for things to develop. But look for clues and patterns along the way. Look for positive changes as well. Do things that you enjoy, dont stop living your life to its fullest. Find activites that give you freedom

Be a scientist- experiment- take the victim hat off and learn as much as you can. Books and shrinks wont provide the anwers you are looking for- every bp person is different- you have to become master in your field about the person your learning from.

Change meds and/or lifestyles- the professionals in the field pick meds like throwing darts at a dartboard. They dont know what is right for Bp people for they, just like us , dont understand the dynamic things that occur with our loved ones. Second, if she drinks alcohol, beware, Bp and alcohol are evil together- unpredictable events can and will happen.

Forgive, but dont forget- for this unpredictable life will haunt you unless you learn ways on how to deal with the unknown. Your dealing with an alter ego, and if you have the strength to fight the good fight, that alter ego will be apart of your acceptance to life's many great wonders.

If you want to share some detail accounts about this person, that can give me perception, I will be happy to share my thoughts.

thank you very much. i would like to talk to you more if that would be alright with you. i can give you my email address if you want but i do not want to intrude. i just feel really alone trying to deal with things right now because i do not have anyone to talk with that can understand what i am going thru. this site has been a help already and my hope is to find people i can talk with and get advice from. i have been living with a wife that has had BP for 11 years now but we just put a name on it the first of march. knowing what it is helps but not knowing what to do is hard to handle. i have been doing the wrong thing for 11 years i just need to know what the right things are. i am like a sponge right now trying to absorb as much info as i can but i also want good info not a bunch of crap that some of the books sell. anyway thanks again and hope to hear from you soon.

11 years? wow! And everyone is finding out now that this is the prob? Was the marriage this rocky until recent? Has she displayed these kinds of behavior before the recent discovery? What does she want to do? Do you have kids? Is she abusive? If cheating is the only "manic behavior" your wife is displaying, then your a lucky guy. It could be much worse- like suicide attempts.

What kind of "wrong things" have you been doing? Believe me, I've done some wrong things too, but if you know what they are now, then you already know what you need to do to fix the wrong things. Here's another thing to consider, maybe this behavior is not based upon Bp, but rather a need for change by a normal human response? Not all bp folks are manics all the time hence the name.

It would be for the best if you posted your messages here for others to add comments. Your not alone, there are great folks here that can share a bp view point. I know the darkness you are feeling, but consider this a test of the human condition, and life has way of always testing anyone who thinks they are free from trials and tribs.

here is my story can anyone relate? i met my wife 11 years ago married a year later. everything was good for the first few years. we move back to the states in 98 and things started to show up a couple years later like depression. i did not know what it was i had never been around depression before. she started seeing a medical doctor and a therapist and was put on anti-depressents. looking back that made it worse. things went like that for awhile no real improvement no real decline. i was gone a lot due to the military which did not help either. it was in 2003 that things really started getting worse and the last 3 years were really tough. more symtoms showed up like deeper depression, financial iresponsibility, mania (did not know it was mania at the time) irritability, lashing out. she was going to therapy and they did not DX it and she is a nurse and did not see it either. i did not know what was going on so for years i distanced myself to try to protect myself from being hurt. i was tired of getting blamed for everything and not being able to do anything right. thought about leaving but did not. stayed faithful and just tried to survive. wrong i know but was unaware it was BP. did not even know what that was. she started leaving and staying gone till late at night and not coming home after work. i would ask questions and got lies. the past year has been full of lies. we started going to marriage counseling she said for my anxiety. she was not there for us just for me because i did not know at the time but she had already started the affair. it really blew up the 1st of the year when i found out she was seeing this guy. i asked her to stop seeing him and she said she would but more lies and she kept seeing him. it was not until we were in a marriage counseling session that she finnally broke down during the session and the addmitted her on 26 Feb 07 on 28 Feb i finnally got the truth and she told me about the affair. she was still an inpatient at this time. on 1 Mar she was DXed with BPII. i went home and got on the internet and it was like a spotlight went off in my head. it explained a lot of the past behaviors. she was an inpatient for a week then a outpatient for another week and then we had family exit counseling for three days. our 2 daughters went too they are 15 and 16 both from previous marriages one from mine one from hers. things were good for a week i stayed with her and did not kick her out then she started talking to the guy she had the affair with and then went to dinner last thursday with him. she does not want to let him go and she does not want to leave me. she has promised me it is over and wrote him a letter which i read and mailed. we will wait and see if it really is. i have heard all that before. she is not working she tried to but it did not work and they switched her from lamictal to another one i cant even pronounce or spell. lamictal gave her a rash so had to stop it. i have been trying to support her and be there for her but it is getting harder when she does not put forth any effort. right now it is day by day she does have remorse for her past actions but when she is manic she does things that hurt. i have forgiven her for the affair but i can not handle it if she keeps seeing him. if she does i will have to let her go. after years of untreated BP and lots of hurt inflicted by both of us there is no guarentee that we will make it. i am trying and she acknowledges that but i do not think she appreciates it. i am at this site because i have nowhere else to turn. nobody understands what i have been thru and am going thru. i have no friends i can talk to about this my family would not understand so i am feeling really alone. i know others have been thru this and want to know how they handled it. i do not want to leave her but i do not know how much more i can take. i have gotten to the end of my rope and tied a knot but i am so tired after so many years that i can feel my grip slipping. i am scared and do not know what more i can do if anything. i am scared if i kick her out because she keeps seeing this guy that she will end up in the hospital again or worse. she has thought about suicide but has not acted on it. so what should i do. is there any help or hope out there? i could use some of both right now. that is my 11 years the condensed version.

This is the worst part your facing right now. With family and friends not understanding your situation. You have to dig deep into self to find the strength to manage the challenges. What you must do, right now, is remove the hurt and betrayal. Clearly she is not willing to change, and your enabling her in someway to continue to do damage. ( Bp folks are not thinking about the future, they are only in the present time) Think of the girls and yourself right now as much as you can. The life you want to live, the kids to be supported and understanding the pressure your under. Remember what I said earlier, protect yourself, and protect the kids. You have no control over what she is doing, nor ever, and it would be best for you to be away from the torture. To present this to the family this a good thing too. This is where you can stand up and say she is sick and destroying our family. You did nuthing wrong from not being educated on Bp, for it shocks everyone that discovers it for the first time.

Is she medicated? If so, why hasnt this stopped her from the lying and cheating? If the meds are not changing her mind on keeping a healthy marriage, then you know its something beyond the illness- and this my friend, is a sign for two things: change the meds that help her think clearly- or change your environment. Go solo.

Ask yourself, what life do you want? Do you want a normal life? Protect yourself right now, your money, home, and kids. Think of the future. You may love this woman deeply, the history, but she doesnt want to give up the things that hurt you and the girls.

Bp can be treated, and things can get better- but a series of bad patterns that do not show growth is a sign of separation. I kicked my wife to the curb once, its ok to let go. If she cares whatsoever, she will do what it takes to keep you. the damage is done-save yourself.

Just to get things straight SirWilliam is my husband and by mistake he has been answering you through my name Racket ball. Just so you know were not trying to confuse you I just forgot to log off the other day.

Anyways I thought I might be of some help considering my husband and I have already gone through this together.

Our story goes like this we have been together for 10yrs. married for almost 7. After 2 yrs. I started having horrible panick attacks, which led to depression, which led to 2 suicide attempts, which led to out patient hospital treatment for 2 months (just so you know after the suicide attempts I refused to commit myself that's why the out patient program) and then to finally being diagnosed with BPII. That's just the gist of things.

Last year is when I cheated on him. I still remember the day that it happened that during the day I was very manic. Now I am not one for blaming the disease all together. What I believe is that when you're not properly medicated or you have unresolved emotions in your life or relationship is when the disease will grab on and make you do these unwise acts. If that makes any sense! In my situation the disease didn't help but in all actuality after couples counseling and personal counseling I was able to identify the truth to my pain.

Ok this is what I feel I agree with my husband I think you should kick her out! You have every right to be scared that if you did this she may go running to the other man again. When it happened to me though that was last thing on my mind. All I could think about was how to get my family back. If her family is the most important thing to her she will try to save it. I just see so much similarties in her behavior as to what I was doing too and to me that's a pretty scary thing! If she isn't properly medicated or isn't seeing a counselor on a weekly or every 2wk. basis she is not going to stop!!! The reason I say that is because when you're BP you'll stop at nothing to attain that need. It's almost like a drug.

I know this isn't easy for you and my heart goes out to you! Living with someone with BP is not trouble free. I have put my husband through so much pain and grief to last him and myself a lifetimes worth. In some ways I think you're enabaling her. When she started talking to the other man again you let her stay. She's out right telling you she doesn't want to let him go or you but she can't have both. You are going to have to make the decision for both of you and your 2 daughters.

Having her in the house if she is not willing to commit 100% is not healthy for any of you. I hope you find the strength with in yourself to make the best decision.

thanks to both of you for your comments it is comforting to know i am not the only one who has felt this way. i want to applaud both of you for doing whatever it was to keep you guys together. i know it could not have been easy if it was anything like i have been thru. i hope to have some sort of happy ending to this i am just not sure which ending it will be. it is good to get someone elses perspective. i sometimes think i am to close to this to see anything clearly. as for being medicated she was on lamictal but got a rash and i cant remember the one she is on now. i cant even say it much less spell it. i hope this medicine works. she is seeing a therapyst she had an appointment today. and has another in 2 weeks. i am at work now so i am unsure how it went. she seemed to be having a good day. we will see. i do love her very much if i didn't she would have been gone already. if i do walk away i want to know that i tried to make it work. that i did everything i could. whether she does the same i can't control but i have to know in my heart that i tried. it would not be easy to do but if she is not commited i know i will have to walk and do what is right for the girls too. it has not been easy for them either. they do not understand everything just like i do not. i am trying but this BP beast is complicated and strong. today is a week and she has not had any contact with him so that is a small step in the right direction. i know this because our phones were off and she did not leave the house. but i am scared that it will happen and if it does i will have to walk away. i can't go thru it again. and i won't. you asked what i wanted out of this. well i would like to stay married and be as normal as we can with this disorder and be happy as much of the time as we can. but like you said she has to want the same. i guess time will give us the answer to that one. well i have to get busy but i can't thank you enough for writting to me. you have been a big help. i check this site everyday so i would like to keep in touch with you guys if you don't mind. i wish you both the best.

Way to go. Its the little steps that count. When all the stuff happened to me, I went out and found some new friends to talk to during the worst days of my marriage. I suggest you try meeting some folks that you can vent by. Also pick up a sport, or anything to release tension and depression. Invite the wife to have walks daily, tennis, etc.

so how did you guys make it work? what did you do and what did she do? how long were you seperated? what made you decide to work it out? ending it is the easy way out and even that is not easy. i know i have a lot of work to do and so does she if she is commited like she says she is. i do have my woodworking in my shop and that has kept me sane if you can call what i am feeling sane. i know without it i would have been doing other things that would be destructive. i have not turned to drinking and gambling like i did when things were bad a few years ago. but i see now that i was distancing myself when i did that. so i think that is a plus.

We weren't seperated for very long just a week, but a week was a life time to me. Together we went to counseling once a week and I went to counseling once a week. We did this for about 3 months, so as you can see we were both very committed to eachother and to our marriage. I have continued to see my counselor on a every 2 week basis. It's the best thing that I can do for myself and our marriage.

Have you maybe considered seeing a therapist for yourself? I just suggest it because you say you don't want to talk about this with your family and friends. Seeing someone and letting out a little steam may just be what the doctor ordered for you. I am glad to hear that you have a wonderful hobby to escape to. and that you're not seeking to go towards the destructive old ways!!

I wish you and your wife and family the best of luck. Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going with you.

just a quick update things have gotten a little better her meds seem to be helping. i do have a few questions. since getting out of the hospital she has come clean on a lot of things she had been lying about and now we are trying to deal with them. one of them is our finances. they are worse than i thought. i have taken over our finances and she was ok with that at first but now she is feeling better and does not like me in control. i do not know if your finances were messed up but i know ours is. we were really close to losing our house. how do i include her and yet keep control so we can avoid getting in trouble again? i do not trust her with the money since i found out how bad it was. at least not yet. she also does not like me looking over her shoulder and asking where she is going and who she is talking to. what did you guys do to build the trust and sir william will i ever trust her again? should i? racket ball what did you do to build the trust back? i do not want to smother her and push her away but i can't let her destroy evrything either. i want to trust her but it is not easy. any help on this would be very much appreciated.

You really have to take control of the money. Losing your house due to bad spending practices makes more stress on a relationship. Its not about trust here, its about reality, food, house, and clothing are the the main ingredents to survival. Both of you need to write out a budget, and figure what will work. Your wife is not in position to be handeling credit cards, she should be dealing with her illness and nothing more, until things settle again. You must take charge of the bills, and not allow to create more.

Trust will happen over time, but right now, protect your investments and take charge of money.

I am sorry to hear about the trouble with your finances!! We fortunately do have seperate accounts, but back in the day for me I did do some serious damage to my account which he had to keep helping me with. I think you managing the finances is the best thing you can do for yourselves. She may not like it and that's tough but that's what you need to give her right now is tough love!! There is no way you can trust her right now with that kind of huge responsibility. Yes she may be feeling fine but it's too soon. Maybe in another 6months to a year you can give her that accountability back(and only if she has no relapses) but not now!! It least with us I was just bringing the bad credit report down on me but not on both.

For the trust issue. That takes a lot of work. I can't say what I truly did to earn my trust back or if I even fully earned it back. I think what helps is that I still see my counselor and when I come home from those sessions we sit and talk about what happened in my session. Communication is the greatest challenge with in our relationship. It's not so much on his part, but it is on mine. I have never been able to communicate my feelings in a healthy manner. I know you want to trust her again and I'm sure she wants you to trust her again, but it's going to take a long time. You asking questions of where she's been and talking to is not a wrong thing for you to do. She probably hates that you do it (as I know I did) but you have every right in the world to know what's going on in her life.

I truly feel you're handeling everything in the correct manner. Don't feel guilt or shame for doing what your heart is telling you to do. Take care and I truly hope that this med helps your wife.

Hi destiny, I am the wife of a man who recently got diagnosed with bi polar disorder. we have been married for 16 yrs and all of a sudden he cheated. he has the symptoms of someone with bi polar but like you had said i think he did it to hurt me. I feel very wounded. he is now on meds. He says that eh doesnt know why he did it that he wouldnt want to do this to his family. our kids have suffered our financial status has suffered and this is just not like him to behave in this way. he says it felt like something other than himself was driving him to do this. i feel like i cant trust him and im very mad, but then the other part of me wants to stick by his side. do you have any suggestions? please advisejennifer

i know how you feel and this site has been a big help, sir william and racketball have been a big help so read what they have posted to me. also just having a place to vent is also good. i am also new to this so i am learning as i go here but i check the site every day. my wife told me the same things your husband told you. we are still together but it is still tense. it has only been 2 months since dx but we have been together 11 years married 10. i am probably not the best one to ask for help but i want you to know i can listen if you need to vent and if you are like me you will. it can be a monster but it is less so with meds. so hang in there and check out other chats on this site for other info. it will seem overwhelming but hang in there ok

Hello Sirwilliam and racketball I am Married2BP's wife yes I have read and took in all of your advice. So which can be very useful. I think it is interesting to sit here and read people talking about me. Its kind of like seeing your situation from a different perspective. Just a little info for you. my husband and I are two very head strong people and I don't have a problem with him handling our finances at all. Where I have the problem is that I have been completely cut off from money all together. Now you must understand that I do work and contribute an income to the house. I feel that I sould be able to get a pop, fill my tank up or do things for myself with out having to ask permission. Also I hold him equally responsible for our financial situation because he took no interest in what was going on. He could have stopped what was going on a long time ago. I admit things did get out of control but I will also admit that he didn't take the time to find out either. He and I have found that it is easier to communicate via chatting or e-mail as it is a physical barrier between us and with no tone in the conversations then it keeps our arguments fair. I have also told him that I feel he is a control freak, he is extremely routine and suffers from anxiety. When he is anxious it irritates my very being and I do not want to be nearby. As I often suffer the rath of his anxiety. He is on meds for this but it still creates a perdicament for me and increases my stress level and we all know stress is a BAD thing if you are BP. I feel like every time I ask him if we have money he gives me an excuse so he doesn't have to tell me as for fear of what I might do. I really don't think this a healthy approach. I am trying to be responsible and do the right things now that i am on my meds but him avoiding the question when I ask as far as I am concerned that is the same as an omission and as I have been told by him that is the same as a lie. So I don't think he is setting a good example there. We will be discussing this and we will see what happens. Maybe I am just reading the situation incorrectly. All I know is for the last 2 days I have wanted to scream my head off out of frustration.

Hi Married to bp, yes this has happened once about 2 months ago and then again about 3 weeks ago, so im still freshly wounded. Im just so scared that he will do this again. when this happens i feel like i am up against someone i dont know, i llok into his eyes and he is not the same, it is very scary. I feel bad for him but there is only so much i can take, he was diagnosed about 2 weeks ago, he says he feels better but i dont think i can take him doing this type of stuff anymore. it is hard for me to understand that someone could do something like this and feel driven by another force. i dont understand that. anyway i will keep talking about it, that is what i do best.we are considering moving out of ca... to las vegas to try to get away from all the damage and try to start anew. thanks for listening