Monday, November 12, 2012

Integrae servandae

BBC types, like Eastenders, the panda-eyed weatherman in Groundhog Day and wrong-trousered Alpine symphonist Anton Bruckner, wake up every day and make the same mistake, as I've noted before.

They derided my advice over Brand, Ross & Sachs - who really should be a firm of Borders solicitors specialising in sheep-rustling - and spurned it over Savile.

In the hope that they might listen this time, I'm suggesting that they should grovel to the Tories gangbang-style by handing over their news output to The Royal Horticultural Society, broadcasting proper war films all day on BBC4, and launching the following right-thinking programmes elsewhere:

Police, Camera, Traction!

BBC3: Warning from History Jim Davidson comments wryly on webcam footage of minor villains being helped down the back stairs of Britain's busiest police stations, then takes some ratepayers and mental patients round to visit them in hospital.

Episode 1: Mrs Fillyjonk is found impaled on her own broomstick. Hemulen and Groke supercharge some Hattifatteners and lie in wait in the Lonely Mountains until springtime, for Romany rover and therefore prime suspect Snufkin to come rambling through.

I'm a Celebrity, Get It Out Of Me!

BBC1 & Interactive: Viewers with shires phone numbers select dyed women and men with piercings from off the telly, who are then literally carted off to Clun for the recently relegalised Marches Eel Festival.

Revenue raised from DVD and programming sales worldwide will more than cover the inevitable legal fees, and Newsnight and Panorama can spend all year investigating leaks of the uncut footage onto the Internet.

To appeal to the rural demographic, you could have the variation Police! Camera! Tractors!, in which policemen on farm vehicles chase locals, also on farm vehicles, down country lanes for the usual countryside crimes of incest, drunk-driving and picking fights in the pub car park. There's a similar programme here in the US called Moonshiners.

Or for something topical how about I'm at Cambridge University, Get Him Out Of Me!: memebers of the Cambridge Union Society are driven to the Ecuadorian Embassy where Julian Assange attempts to have unprotected intercourse with them.

Your kind words of support will be remembered when it comes to winning the new BBC Lotto I'll be launching. As for your tractor idea, Pop, that is what S4C has been doing for years. They just need to add eels.