Went to BH's workplace a few minutes ago to drop something off for him. I used to work there too so I was standing in the hallway catching up with a girlfriend, I was just chatting away happily and looked up and about 10 feet away from me speaking with my BH's colleague (presumably he was giving an update on a patient who was her family member) was my fAP's BW.

I dropped my eyes and basically became deaf mute. I just lost the conversation I was in. My friend was repeating questions or statements. I started giving one word answers that I'm not even sure made sense. I felt like I was going to vomit and was luckily on my way out the back door with my friend when I saw her (BW).

I couldn't even look at her. I wanted to cease existing right there. I was hoping and praying that woman would never have to look at me again in her lifetime.

I had to finish up talking with my friend and my husband's colleague who had followed us outside then go back inside and warn my BH that he was about to be triggered horribly while working. His colleague had just handed off shift to him so fAP's possible friend/family member had just become my BH's patient.

I'm shaking and sweating and nauseated so I can only imagine what my BH is feeling right now. I'm so worried about him.

I, of course, warned him she was in the room but I'm helpless to support him through this. I wish we had moved anywhere. I want to get him away from here so badly.

Please help. Is there anything I can do for my BH?

Was there anything I could/should have done for her other than get out of her sight as soon as possible?

Self forgiveness and self esteem be damned I was fooling myself about making any progress, wasn't I?

fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 23, 16, 11. 2 dogs.

I edit often to fix stuff ☺️

Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.

Posts: 1653 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA

Undefinabl3♀ 36883Member # 36883

Posted: 8:11 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013

Just the opposite, seems like you did everything right.

I would text him, ask him if he's ok, if he needs to talk about anything...if he needs to get some emotions out.

And just be there to listen, apologize, answer all his questions.

Make sure to be attentive to him when he comes home/off shift and all that.

He's angry because he shouldn't have to deal with this...and he right. Of course he shouldn't.

At least the BW left without him having to interact with her. I can be thankful for that.

I can be thankful that this trigger may help us to talk about things that might still be bugging my BH about the A. It's a good opportunity for me to ask him right?

This may bring some new things to mind or open communication again about things my BH still needs to discuss. Right?

Anytime we discuss things it's a step toward acceptance for both of us right?

So even if it's uncomfortable it's taking us toward healing? Like wound debridement or dressing changes (painful but aids healing).

Is it self soothing if I'm talking myself off the ledge? ....another positive...just call me Pollyanna.

Eta: thank you undefinabl3. You made me pause and turn my thoughts around.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 9:22 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]

fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 23, 16, 11. 2 dogs.

I edit often to fix stuff ☺️

Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.

Posts: 1653 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA

tired girl♀ 28053Member # 28053

Posted: 10:09 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013

How are you doing?

I think what you are trying to do is put a positive spin on this and instead what you might do is let go of the outcome of how your BH is going to feel about it.

All you can do is be supportive right now, and you are doing that. Be there to listen, understand.

Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5446 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az

knightsbff♀ 36853Member # 36853

Posted: 10:42 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013

I feel like all the thoughts and emotions are tangled up inside of me and I haven't separated them out yet. I'm tearful and fearful.

I feel like thinking about my feelings is failing him because I should be thinking of him. But I can't help him tonight. I have sent a few texts and I called to check on him. He's too busy with work for me trying to be supportive but texting and calling was the right thing. I could hear it in his voice under the anger. He was glad, or maybe relieved I called.

So maybe sorting myself out tonight isn't selfish after all. Because then I can be better able to support him when he gets home in the morning.

I have to let go of my thoughts for her. There is nothing I can do for her. Damage is done. No new damage is the best I can offer so maybe I can close that door in my mind. It's just that sometimes when I see the pain I have cause my BH there is a little exponent floating in the air because in the back of my mind I know I caused her, another human being who didn't deserve it the same pain. I want to delete this entire paragraph because it's like wallowing but I'm letting it stand. I did it. I can't delete it. Moving on.

Letting go of the outcome... Let HIM tell me how he feels about it. I can listen. I care. I can show that.

How am I doing? I think I'm ok.

fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 23, 16, 11. 2 dogs.

I edit often to fix stuff ☺️

Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.

Posts: 1653 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA

tired girl♀ 28053Member # 28053

Posted: 10:49 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013

Slow your thinking down.

Who can you help tonight (you already said it) then who can you help next?

Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5446 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az

knightsbff♀ 36853Member # 36853

Posted: 11:06 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013

So tonight I help me deal with this yuckyfest. I think your siggy applies here, TG. I can untangle these feelings. Writing it out helps to slow things down.

Then tomorrow I will be ready to help him.

fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 23, 16, 11. 2 dogs.

I edit often to fix stuff ☺️

Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.

Posts: 1653 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA

tired girl♀ 28053Member # 28053

Posted: 11:08 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013

You got it lady

Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5446 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az

knightsbff♀ 36853Member # 36853

Posted: 12:39 AM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013

What happened??? I was expecting the Lion to come home from work and I met the Lamb at the door.

I asked him how he was doing. He said "OK". He seems ok... I wasn't expecting that...

We bought him a new truck today eliminating a big trigger from our lives. Maybe that helped? Maybe the anxiety/excitement of buying two new vehicles in two days distracted him a little? Maybe he is still processing how he feels? I don't know, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe....

fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 23, 16, 11. 2 dogs.

I edit often to fix stuff ☺️

Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.

Posts: 1653 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA

aesir♂ 17210Member # 17210

Posted: 2:22 AM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013

Was there anything I could/should have done for her other than get out of her sight as soon as possible?

Self forgiveness and self esteem be damned I was fooling myself about making any progress, wasn't I?

I think your reactions are huge signs of personal progress and growth. If you doubt that, just read in general about all the stories of AP's who are shameless and persistent in their presence and irritation.

Although your BH may have triggers seeing your fAP's BW, I would hope that he holds no animosity towards her. This should not be different from any number of other triggers.

Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.

Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg

tired girl♀ 28053Member # 28053

Posted: 10:15 AM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013

I don't know, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe....

I know it can be very easy to feel like this when we have had expectations that someone is going to be upset. Try instead to just be ready if he wants to talk about it and let him know you are there.

Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5446 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az

knightsbff♀ 36853Member # 36853

Posted: 2:38 AM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013

Looking back with less feelings of panic I can see progress in how I acted here. I think in the past I might have gone home without giving my BH a heads up, just hoping that he wouldn't see her. Or I might have found some way to make it all about me.

Thanks aesir, thinking about those APs lamented in General Forum doesn't make me feel better though. I get a sick feeling from that too. The thought that comes is, "there but for the Grace of God...". Grace and SI or I could still be lost in the fog, busily destroying lives, or at least making a nuisance of myself while destroying my own life and my family.

TG, he read my posts and talked some today. He's plenty angry but doesn't feel that raging at me will serve any purpose. He feels like he just needs to deal with it and eat another bite of the crap sandwich I have served him.

I will have to finish this post later....

fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 23, 16, 11. 2 dogs.

I edit often to fix stuff ☺️

Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.

Posts: 1653 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA

aesir♂ 17210Member # 17210

Posted: 2:45 AM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013

Thanks aesir, thinking about those APs lamented in General Forum doesn't make me feel better though. I get a sick feeling from that too. The thought that comes is, "there but for the Grace of God...". Grace and SI or I could still be lost in the fog, busily destroying lives, or at least making a nuisance of myself while destroying my own life and my family.

You know, if God is out there, he is out there for everyone, and SI is available to anyone with internet access. I think it's okay for you to take a bit of the credit for the hard work you have done.

Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.

Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg

knightsbff♀ 36853Member # 36853

Posted: 10:41 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013

Aesir, I concede. I'm liking myself better these days too.

fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 23, 16, 11. 2 dogs.

I edit often to fix stuff ☺️

Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.