MTVNicole "Snooki" Polizzi, licking salt off "Jersey Shore" housemate Deena Cortese, uses tequila to dull the pain of her urinary tract infection. There are so many things wrong with that sentence I don't even know where to start.

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. I'm talking about something far more terrifying than the mafia: recapping "Jersey Shore." I vowed I would stick to only the salient points and get in and out so fast I would only need a mid-level fumigation of my den. Alas, the salient point was that Snooki, like, legit peed on herself because she has yet another raging urinary tract infection. And the Situation gets so drunk and so distressed about the failure of the guys to embrace the 100 percent nice Mike that he fails to zip up, and spends several minutes swearing his goodness with his penis sticking out of his shorts. (Note to MTV: I don't think you needed THAT much pixelation.)

I haven't watched an episode of the show since my last recap from season four, and apparently I haven't missed much. The Situation is still a squirrel, Snooki still has the sanitary habits of a hyena, and Pauly D ... still kind of cracks me up.

Vinny comes back from his self-imposed exile and Pauly D catches him (and me) up: After alienating everyone in Italy, the Situation has been acting super-nice to everyone. But he's also not hanging out with them that much, preferring to seek the company of others at the clubs. The other guys don't seem to care that much, but the Situation is convinced that one of the guys is plotting against him.

Snooki pees on the dance floor because of her UTI. "Jersey Shore" is one of the most highly-rated shows on television. Are these two facts related, and what does that say about the future of civilization? Discuss. The next day, Snooki decides to wear both a thong and booty shorts, just in case. While they're all at Jenkinson's, she starts medicating herself with tequila. She was a lab tech, after all, she tells us. (A veterinary lab tech, which is just as well.) While the Situation hangs out at the bar with some new friends in bikinis, the rest of the gang goes to the batting cages, where Snooki is worried about the ball hitting her in her urinary tract.

When they head back to the house, the Situation claims the bathroom, so Snooki pees on the lower deck, beneath the stairs to the upper deck. Pauly D: "They pee outside and drink out of bowls. We don't need pets." I sense some synergy: Depends can break into the highly-desirable 20something market with Snooki-branded leopard print incontinence products!

Apres-bathroom, the Situation is examining himself in the mirror and realizes he's breaking out. Down below, something is breaking out of his pants. He's either too drunk, too stupid or too desperate for airtime to do anything about this. He finds Snooki and Deena on the upper deck and starts complaining again about how no one is accepting his niceness at face value. "Because you're crazy pants," Snooki tells him. Neither Snooki or Deena say anything the Situation's little friend, but when JWoww shows up, and she has no qualms about telling him he's exposing himself. The Situation is too busy raving. By then, the rest of the guys have come upstairs. "Yo, I swear to God, that thing is talking to me right now, bro," Vinny tells him. The Situation finally zips up.

Everyone assures him that they're all cool with him, but the Situation, being the Situation, can't let go.

The next day, Snooki's dad shows up while the girls are getting their hair done. They send him out for groceries. The Situation spots Roger on the Boardwalk. Roger has not been returning JWoww's calls, and when he returns to the house, he lets JWoww know he saw Roger. JWoww is pissed.

Pauly D, Ronnie and Vinny head for the gym, and we get more footage of the guys mocking the Situation in the car. But the Situation has determined that in fact it's Snooki messing with him, and the Situation decides he's going to get back at her by getting Jionni mad at her.