Facial hair is the best thing invented by faces, and this is keeping in mind that faces invented spitting, kissing, and looking at naked things. So you know I’m serious. There’s no face on earth that a beard or a interesting mustache couldn’t add character to. Sure, right now you might be thinking, “ugh, beards and mustaches have been taken over by the tragically hip!” WRONG. In fact, facial hair has been around longer than even the emotional state of pretentiousness. And ladies, you have no idea what you’re missing. Most women I know would look cute with a well-groomed beard. And no, I’m not going to pause and think about the implications of that. MOVING ON.

You know why civilization has pushed men towards clean-shaven faces? It makes us look less like animals. It makes us look less likely to bite into a raw hunk of meat, or fight a car for spooking us. So alright, if you want a banking job in an urban center I guess you should clean up, but if you want a REAL job like a wizard, Santa Claus, or mountain lion, toss that safety razor in the trash. FOREVER.

Why would I be thinking that beards and mustaches have been taken over by The Tragically Hip? While Gordon Downie is rarely truly clean shaven, Rob Baker is the only member of the band that typically sports an actual beard and/or mustache.

Ah yes, I remember the day that I was hanging out with some kids I hadn’t before, and they asked me if I was a narc. I looked at them funny, thought about it, and said “I don’t think so. What’s a narc?”