November 28, 2005

Jimbo: â€œItâ€™s a painting of Ed Sullivan, which, I believe, was painted by Elvis. See? It says â€˜EAPâ€™ in the lower left corner, and those are the initials of Elvis%20Presley”>Elvis Aaron Presley.â€

Road Show Guy: â€œInteresting. Might I ask how much you paid for this picture?â€

Jimbo: â€œWell, you see, I was on my way back to the airport from Ericâ€™s house, and I got lost in Maryville. I saw this guy selling really neat paintings outside a saloon called â€œDip ‘n Spit,â€ and I stopped to look. Most of the paintings were on black velvet, but this one wasnâ€™t, and it caught my eye.â€

Road Show Guy: â€œFascinating, but how much did you pay for it?â€

Jimbo: â€œI figured it was a steal at $300, so I snapped it up.â€

Road Show Guy: â€œI can only assume that this was your first time in Tennessee, because â€˜EAPâ€™ stands for â€œEat A Peach,â€ which is how a local drunk named Boris-Bubba Buchanan (who came from Georgia) used to sign all his paintings. He had an Allman Brothers thing going on. You knowâ€¦the â€˜Peach Thing.â€™â€

Jimbo: â€œYeah, it was my first time in Tennessee. I also picked up some interesting concrete things, which are out in the car. Wanna see them?â€

Road Show Guy: â€œNo, theyâ€™re probably from Edâ€™s Concrete Emporium, or whatever the hell he calls his place. Theyâ€™re worthless. Iâ€™m sorry to have to tell you this, but that the painting is also worth about â€¦ well, nothing.â€

Jimbo: â€œIâ€™m really pissed. Iâ€™m goin’ back to Tennessee with a couple a guys who wear lots of gold and who have lots of chest hair, and weâ€™re going to find that Boris Bubba Buchanan Guy and bust his cracker ass.â€

Road Show Guy: â€œCalm down, because I am really interested in that thing that fell on the floor when you unwrapped the painting.â€

Jimbo: â€œWhat thing? You mean that toilet paper roll on the ground? I wrapped the painting in toilet paper. That musta got stuck in there.â€

Road Show Guy: â€œExactly. Thatâ€™s not just a toilet paper roll. That happens to be an original â€˜Scottâ€™sâ€™ signature roll. You can tell by the unique lines in the cardboard and the color of the paper. The dead giveaway is the small â€˜SSâ€™ that appears on the inside of the roll, which stands for Sammy Scott, the inventor of the first toilet paper roll.â€

Jimbo: â€œNo shit?â€

Road Show Guy: â€œVery good! â€™No shitâ€™ was an inside joke among the people who worked for Sammy back then. In forty years in the antique business I have never before seen one of these. In fact, I became lightheaded when I saw it on the floor. Might I ask what you paid for it?â€

Jimbo: â€œYou mean the toilet paper roll?â€

Road Show Guy: â€œYes, absolutely.â€

Jimbo: â€œBeats hell out of me. Something like fifty cents.â€

Road Show Guy: â€œDo you have any idea what it is worth?â€

Jimbo: â€œA farookin’ toilet paper roll?â€

Road Show Guy: â€œI told you, this is not just a toilet paper roll. This is a highly collectible toilet paper roll. What do you figure that an original â€˜Scottâ€™s Signature Rollâ€™ might be worth?â€

Jimbo: â€œOK, Iâ€™ll play along. How about three dollars?â€

Road Show Guy: â€œHow about three hundred thousand dollars?â€

Jimbo: â€œWow. Are you shitting me? Whatâ€™s the paper itself worth? I got a bunch of it right here.â€

Hi, I love the show very much. I see a lot of things on the show that I have. I would like to know of a trustwearthy dealor in my area, or do you make house calls? My family needs the money and I lould like to sell some of my things. I hopr you can help me.