Are you guys so excited for the weekend? Hopefully you are, because there are literally (read: not literally, but kind of) ZILLIONS of options to choose from for the next four days. So many, in fact, that I was having trouble choosing a GIF theme for this post UNTIL I stumbled upon an event happening tonight in which Sam Ronson will be DJing; as a result this will officially be a Lindsay Lohan-themed BWB. (She’ll also serve as a nice reminder not to overindulge during all the free alcohol situations that are about to come our way…) So here we go, yeah?

THURSDAY

It’s been a long week, and even though our immune systems are fairly diminished and on the brink of total shut-down, I vote we reward our semi-hard work (read: stress eating) with some free alcohol. For instance, as the intro foreshadowed, Sam Ronson will be DJing this fashion-related event that I don’t really understand, but that will include free wine and champagne, and more importantly, free snacks that no one will probably touch but us!

Too classy? Well let’s CLASS IT DOWN and go get amped on some complimentary Mountain Dew at this Complex / SUPRA event! (I’m assuming there may also be free alcohol embedded in the free Mountain Dew, but regardless, #CAFFEINE.)

If gin’s not your jam, though, how about Bushmills and/or Tiger beer? Original Penguin is hosting a free holiday party where you can load up on complimentary drinks of those two varieties, and while no actual penguins will be present, BOOZERS CAN’T BE CHOOSERS.

ALTHOUGH, nothing mixes better with alcohol than impulsive shopping, so I vote we get our free booze AND some very non-free, semi-expensive stuff (that doesn’t seem so expensive after five hundred drinks) at this GQ-sponsored event.

Musically-speaking, for $15 we can kick off the night the right way with our favorite duo of all time, aka Mates of State! (They’ll be playing back to back shows, so we have no excuse not to attend at least one.)

But perhaps we feel more like dancing, in which case we should probably fork over another $5 for this Simian Mobile Disco show…

First, let’s go enjoy some good old fashioned video game recreation after work. “But where, Megan? Chinatown Arcade blows now!” I know, which is why we’re super excited that Two-Bits Retro Arcade is having its grand opening tonight and tomorrow, featuring plenty of amazing video games that cost just a quarter each, AND plenty of booze, which, although not technically free, will be cheaper than usual to celebrate.

Although it’s likely we’ll be wallowing that we’re not hanging out in Miami for Art Basel, in which case we can go pretend at the NU Hotel for NUANCE, which features creative art installations inside the hotel rooms. (Plus there will be vodka.)

We’re also probably pissed not to be in Miami because it’s (probably) cold out today, so let’s go warm up with some sunny vibes at this Toots & the Maytals show!

However, if we’re prepared to spend the night surrounded by tweens, and/or to illegally harvest some semi-important internal organs to sell on the black market to get enough money for tickets, we should (probably) head to MSG for the Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber and One Direction. That’s the holy grail of pop music. Like, what? PS HI TAYLOR SWIFT-STYLES!

And now that we’re so full of free alcohol, we’ll be in great shape to attend this holiday artisan fair whose theme is “reuse.” (You know, so we can feel better about whatever things we’re buying that we probably don’t actually need.)

But who needs artisans when we can make our own Kokedama Japanese string gardens?! (Answer: no one. No one needs artisans when we can potentially build our own string gardens.)

But because we’re probably still vodka-filled, maybe we’d better first swing by the Second Annual Red Velvet Cake Debate in which we talk about and eat an eff ton of red velvet cake. (Strictly to line our stomachs, of course…)

SATURDAY

Provided we possess between like, $100 and $800, we can go have an excellent time at this Rolling Stones show!

But since that is absurd and we definitely don’t have that much money, let’s go to this free Year End Zeitgeist Party hosted by the Hype Machine at the BK Bazaar!

Maybe we’d prefer to skip music altogether, though, in which case we ought to swing by Pine Box for a vegan shop-up, aka a mini-market devoted to vegan artisans! (See also: I still eat animals and/or animal products, but I still plan to attend.)

We could also stay in keeping with the vegan theme by purchasing a handful of Vegan Guide to NYC 2013‘s tonight at the release party.

And maybe you’d like to wrap those vegan purchases healthfully, and/or blindfoldedly, so let’s all head to this workshop on how to do JUST THAT!

But how’s about we get our drink on at this Sign Painters Book Release Party, where we’ll be glad for the book and even GLADDER for the complimentary beverages!

Next, we can use our semi-intoxicated states to get all existential or whatever on each other and it’ll be GREAT. See also: talks about UFOs or whatever…

Okay back to (proven) reality, though, where we will learn to construct GINGERBREAD HOUSES! #festive.

SUNDAY

SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY. Not really, though; Sunday’s pretty cool, ’cause we can hit up Roberta’s for this holiday market situation, which will (hopefully) help to mask our out-of-control pizza addiction!

But wait, did someone say “Hanukkah Burlesque?” Apparently, because there’s this happening tonight as well…

Too risque? Not to worry; we can tone it down at LPR for Dan Neustadt’s weekly “Off the Record,” this time featuring Peter Gabriel’s So. (And we will not-so-secretly wish it was Kate Bush’s Hounds of Love instead.)

WOW! Are we back at Monday ALREADY?! Well, if there’s any way to postpone reality for even one event longer, then I vote we do it up; tell me how this would work in the comments and/or on Twitter @BYTNYC. MERCI!