The Pseudo-Extrovert

Put simply, a pseudo-extrovert is an introvert pretending to be an extrovert. But for many of us, the word has a much deeper significance.

Donning the cloak of extroversion has become a way of life for a lot of introverts. It helps us fit into a culture that favors charisma over character. It allows us to avoid being labeled as shy, anti-social and weird. It is our swipe card into every place where the “extrovert ideal” prevails (which is a lot of places).

The power of an extroverted personality

From an early age we recognize the power of having an extroverted personality. We learn that to be popular, successful and attractive, you must be an extrovert.

In childhood we notice that smiley, talkative children are favored. As teens, our hormones beg us to try on a more attention-grabbing personality. If we don’t succumb to pseudo-extroversion in our youth, we are certain to do so in adulthood.

We act extroverted in an effort to land that job, which is calling for enthusiastic, outgoing, multitaskers. We searched, but couldn’t find any ads for quiet, singletaskers who prefer to work alone. Bummer.

Likewise, we wear the mask of extroversion in social situations. We learn to speak louder, laugh more and take up more space. We might even enjoy getting our extrovert on every so often. After all, it does get us what we want …right?

The grass isn’t always greener

The problem is, sometimes the things we want can transform and turn on us. The luscious apple we’ve been coveting becomes poisonous. The people we strive to emulate turn out to be just as flawed and human as ourselves. We are left to wonder, what now?

I can’t help but be reminded of countless cheesy makeover movies (ie. Clueless, She’s All That and The Princess Diaries). The story is always the same. An unattractive and awkward young woman (or not-so-classy prostitute in the case of Pretty Woman) is transformed. All of a sudden, she is beautiful, popular and more confident. Oh yeah, and she finds true love.

Everything is wonderful until she realizes that (OMG!) money and beauty don’t solve all your problems. It turns out that her fake self attracted fake friends who never really cared about her. Somehow, true love still prevails, but let’s not focus on that.

My point is that giving yourself an extrovert makeover can have similar outcomes. It might get you what you want, but not what you need. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

The side effects

In the past, I devoted a lot of energy to trying to be more extroverted. Being a pseudo-extrovert helped me get jobs, make new friends, and network. The benefits are undeniable. But like the makeovers in movies, much of what I gained was superficial or temporary.

Those jobs that call for outgoing, enthusiastic people kinda suck if you’re not actually outgoing and enthusiastic. Trust me, I know. They also have the side effect of leaving introverts feeling drained and inadequate.

In the social realm, pseudo-extroversion is pretty much expected. When I have the energy, I enjoy being more extroverted. For very short periods, I can even be bubbly. The problem is that people who meet me when I’m “on” are very confused by my introverted behavior later on.

This occurred a lot when I used to compete and perform as a salsa dancer. People would see a glittering, sassy version of me and assume that was my true personality. Men, in particular, were disappointed when they discovered that I do not, in fact, spend my life winking and giggling as I sashay along a trail of glitter. Unless I’m very comfortable with someone, I am usually serious, reserved and quiet. I am an introvert through and through.

The energy factor

The other factor to consider is energy. All the energy you invest into being more extroverted equals less energy for other things. The mind is not a limitless resource. For introverts, the overstimulation that comes with being a pseudo-extrovert can tire our brains.

For me, constantly trying to be more extroverted caused a creative drought in my life. The energy I put into acting out of character robbed my creative reserves as well.

It is difficult for introverts to switch quickly between tasks (hence the inability to multitask). Likewise, we can’t just flick between a more introverted and extroverted personality without any consequences. We lose time, energy and focus every time we act out of character.

Having said all this, I do realize that acting extroverted is necessary at times. If you feel the need to act as a pseudo-extrovert for a little while, here are some things to keep in mind.

Tips for the pseudo-extrovert

Reserve your energy beforehand – don’t spread yourself too thin.

Factor in the time it will take to switch gears – don’t expect to be able to switch instantly between inward and outward focused activities.

Recognize why you’re doing it – are you coveting a poisoness apple or something you really want and need?

Most of all, remember that who you truly are is enough. You have unique gifts to offer this world. The key is to recognize them and then find a place where they can shine. As Susan Cain put it:

“The secret to life is to put yourself in the right lighting. For some, it’s a Broadway spotlight; for others, a lamplit desk. Use your natural powers — of persistence, concentration, and insight — to do work you love and work that matters. Solve problems. make art, think deeply.”

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17 Comments

Liza
on May 10, 2015 at 5:47 am

This is about the most accurate posts I have ever read. This is me. You nailed it.

Long story short, I pretend to be an extrovert because that is supposed to be the ideal, but like you say, when I fail to put on that extrovert me, I can’t find real friends. They get confused, and so do I still to this day.

I can be bubbly and charismatic, but within the next 10 minutes my mood has changed to wanting to kill someone. Of course I recognize this in myself and know the pattern so I am sure to put all sharp objects away.

Kidding. I hide in the bathroom. Or do paperwork in a room with no window and uncomfortable chair. Of course that seems odd.

I want to be extrovert, but I also want to be me. I am a grown woman torn between wants and needs. My family gets the worst from me when all reserves are being used up at work.

It can also be called “necessary hypocrisy”, pretending to be something you are not to achieve a goal. This can be a problem for those of us who have great difficulty in being less than honest. I know because it continues to plague me, but I have at least philosophically become able to justify it although I still feel dishonest about it.

I like knowing that it’s ok to be me, and posts like this one reinforce that. Thank you! I have just started a social club for introverts in my area, which I would never have done without the introvert self awareness I’m experiencing due to these types of posts. Keep it coming Michaela!

It’s amusing how introverts can portray themselves as extroverts, yet I find that extroverts portray themselves as introverts a lot less. (This is assuming that a person’s temperament is significantly more introverted or extroverted rather than being more in the middle of the introversion/extroversion continuum.)

I think what you call pseudo-extroversion is more commonly referred to as social extroversion.

This is without a shadow of doubt, one of the most honest posts I have read. It sums up every struggle an introvert has to go through. I, myself feel very drained and exhausted when I have to be a pseudo-extrovert and act like I am chill and relax, while I’m still daydreaming. One of the things that I hate and love about being an introvert is the ability to think. Why it’s good? It helps me reflect on a lot of things and critically analyze them. Why is it bad? Sometimes my brain gets really drained and exhausting just because of thinking stuff. Leads to overthinking at times and above all I can’t make my mind not think. It’s a curse and a blessing simultaneously.

Then comes the part when you want to be alone but cant fancy being lonely. Doesn’t matter how much we hate interactions and social conversations, I must admit that at some point in time, we all crave interactions with people, but then we’re back to stage one, we don’t feel like talking. It’s like wanting isolation and attention at the same time. It’s weird and complicated.

Sometimes I do not even know how to put all my thoughts and feelings in words. I feel like there is a parallel universe existing in my mind and I think I’m starting to fancy it more than reality because tbh reality; the actual world feels more extrovert-oriented. I feel like an outsider at times because I believe we introverts are not promoted much. It’s all about how well you can speak, how good your charm is and how charismatic you are. All the societal norms are based on how good you present yourself. There is never the question that if you even want to present yourself.

“The other factor to consider is energy. All the energy you invest into being more extroverted equals less energy for other things. The mind is not a limitless resource. For introverts, the overstimulation that comes with being a pseudo-extrovert can tire our brains.”
I could relate. I am currently experiencing this in my college. You see, I have turned into a lazy hedonist because of burnout. I started out pretending to be an extrovert when I started studying in my school, and I’ve turned into a living caricature of an extrovert as a result. There’s this group of people who only know me as a lazy hedonist who is good at sex jokes and pop cultural references and is bad at my studies. They get angry with me all the time because of how lazy and absent-minded I am and they hate that they have to remind me of things all the time. However, even considering my flaws, they are still unjustly mean because they are obsessed with them and they are keeping me in this cycle of negativity, because the more they say bad things about me, the more lazy I become because I have started to associate school with their negative words.

Many a times, I have tried showing me as an extrovert because I thought that is the only way to survive in this world. Though I was successful in pretending to be one, I never got satisfaction with the kind of conversations I had or the relationships I made in that Pseudo- extrovertism. Also, I got lost mentally and also lost the focus to concentrate on my future.
All my energy was directed towards how can I present myself as an extrovert.
This is so well explained in this article.

I love your description, “We act extroverted in an effort to land that job, which is calling for enthusiastic, outgoing, multitaskers. We searched, but couldn’t find any ads for quiet, singletaskers who prefer to work alone. Bummer.” I can fake being enthusiastic and outgoing. How can I fake having the ability of multitasking? Help me, God.

I have FINALLY found a job that let’s me be ME. My job requires me to sometimes be bubbly, outgoing, talkative–typical extrovert behaviors. However, periodically during the day, I must be more introverted, focusing on detailed reports and data, as well as communicating via email (I love email!). So, I remind myself while I’m bubbling and chatting that in a few minutes or maybe an hour, I get to turn off and tune in. It’s such a relief and I’m much less exhausted at the end of a day.

well, how about if you cannot recognize yourself??I am always assumed by others as extrovert person so then I thought so I am, but after getting older what I like and prefer doing is just like introvert person, well, my job requires me as an extrovert, it doesn’t mean that i have any big problem with it, I mean I prefer read or watch video or movies on my laptop alone in my room, or just do nothing at home, but everyone just say I need to hang out outside and pity on my activities while those are the most comfortable for me.

I have an introvert friend and I wonder what she is actually inside. Staring her from far, while she is leaving the office, I find her as a strong individual, coming from an affluent family, but when coming into the office, I find her wearing a different mask. She wears the social mask or looks different in each circumstance. She talks to me in a loud voice, though I speak to her in a low office. Hard to tell whether there is some inside. She likes me ofcourse. And when leaving the office, she leaves alone gets isolated. Their isolation is to be taken care by the extroverts. Quite souls living in different times.

Always supposed and others will always tell you I’m a total extrovert who cannot stop talking.

Then again – I miss times as a math student in the library or only with my best friend; at work I don’t like to mingle when group grows bigger than 4-5, avoid mass events or any kind of groups bigger than around 6 people. Alcohol changes that totally but makes me act like a clown, too. I did compete successfully in ballroom dancing but didn’t like the whole show – just thought dancing was good meditation and workout.

Little groups and lot of trust are essential if I want to not feel weird or worry about how others see me.

I almost fell out of my chair when I read you are a Salsa dancer. I’ve been teaching Ballroom and Latin for 26 years and dancing a lot longer. It’s taken me many years to realize that I spent so much time immersed in my work that I began to look to my students as I would a friend (not the best idea) and also that people had this whole picture of me based upon my ‘dance teacher self’. That picture was very misleading – it was part of my job – performance. And I thought that I was well connected socially. I’m not and my hubs is quite introverted too. So we both spent decades immersed in work and not truly making friends and not staying in touch with family. Now we are both stunned at how hard it is to make friends. Kicker is we don’t have kids and of course no grands so that seems to isolate us further.

Beautifully said!
I have always been very outgoing and “ingoing”, sociable and solitary, party lover and lone walker, etc…
I love being with people and hate small talk; partying without the alcohol and fake extroversion tools or the dancing with no space and not uniqueness… and after being active (an happy) I love to be in silence, alone, sometimes doing a good amount of NOTHING at all.
I am very comfortable with this going from one side to the other. I don’t think I’m a complete introvert, but it is in that dimension of my personality that I rest and recharge my inner batteries.
Meditation, drawing, writing, walking, pilgrimages and dancing (dancing ever since I can remember!)… are some of my favourite lonely activities.
I will keep checking your writings.
In gratitude <3
Sandra