WEST VIRGINIA – Despite four primary losses Tuesday and a near impossible path to the Democratic nomination, Senator Bernie Sanders continued his campaign’s push through West Virginia early Wednesday, with a speaking stop in the breakfast lounge/ multi-purpose space of a Huntington, West Virginia Days Inn.

“For too long we have allowed large corporations to ruin our discount hotels’ complimentary breakfasts” said Sanders, speaking to several bleary-eyed latex salesmen. “Take these muffins. Look at them, they’re tiny. I for one remember when American muffins were huge, maybe 2, 3, or even 4 times this size. Now Secretary Clinton will tell you ‘well, you know, those are mini muffins’. I think it is inexcusable that in this country while hedge fund managers eat regular-sized muffins or maybe croissants, our nurses and truck drivers and latex salesmen are told to be happy with their mini muffins.

“Nobody who works 40 hours a week should be forced to eat mini muffins, or baby carrots for that matter.”

“Let me be clear, it isn’t radical to say that cereal should not come from a glass cylinder, with a little crank on the bottom. Cereal should come from a box.” Sen. Sanders speaks with supporters Wednesday. (AP Photo)

The senator closed on one of his more central platform points, his plan for raising the federal minimum wage. “We live in a country where the government works for the millionaires and billionaires but has forgotten about the middle class,” said Sanders as a hotel guest quietly jammed a bagel into one of the hotel’s featherweight toasters. “That is why I am proposing raising the minimum wage to $15/hr, so that American workers can not only afford a complete breakfast each morning, but also occasionally a nice brunch, with a mimosa or perhaps a Bloody Mary.”

Sanders moves on Thursday to a rally outside an Indiana IHOP, where he is expected to reiterate his pledge to repeal the multilateral trade deals that he says have all-but decimated the market for American pancakes.