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Tuesday, July 30, 2013

2023

2023

‘This is Stephen Cole on Al Jazeera. For
our weekly Africa Interview we go over to Sulaka, the capital of Zombieland, to
talk to the famous government propagandist Kibamba Chanyama. Welcome to the
interview, Kibamba. First of all I’d like you to give us a bit of background on
how the one-party state managed to re-emerge in Zombieland.’

A fat self-satisfied face appeared upon the screen. ‘Thank you Stephen. It all began ten
years ago, in 2013, after Zombieland’s most intrepid explorer, the late Dotty
Scotty, had reached as far as North Korea, a country that no Zombie had
previously reached. What he found was a revelation. All the people were dressed
exactly the same, and spent most of their time marching up and down in front of
their Great Leader Kim Jong Un, singing and cheering and waving their flags,
and obeying his orders without question and with happy smiling faces.’

‘Dotty Scotty must have been terribly
shocked.’

‘Good gracious no, he was very
impressed, and declared that this looked like a very good system of
government!’

‘Was he a fascist?’

‘Oh good gracious no,’ laughed Kibamba.
‘But he was very impressed by such a show of national unity. You see, in those
days Zombieland was a very confused place and government was very difficult.
The new Zombie government of the Punching Fist had been energetically punching
in various directions, but not hitting any of its targets. Everybody had a
different idea of how the country should be governed, and nobody took the
government seriously.’

‘Didn’t the Punching Fist have a clear
programme?’

‘Unfortunately not. They had promised
everything to everybody and therefore nothing to anybody. Everybody was saying
different things and arguing with each other. So when Dotty Scotty went to
North Korea and saw everybody speaking with one voice he was very impressed.

So he stayed
there for some time to study the system, so he could bring its benefits back to
Zombieland.

‘Who was the president of Zombieland
at that time?’

‘A man called Cycle Mata. But when
Dotty Scotty explained to him the Korean system, he immediately changed his
name to the Great Leader Pscho Ma Ta. His Punching Fist became the Paternal
Father, meaning that he was now in charge of everybody.’

‘So how did he gain control over his
constantly quarreling rabble.’

‘The first thing he did was to change
the Constitution, which had previously been a long rambling document of 200
pages which nobody understood. He replaced it with a single sentence which said
The
Word of the Paternal Father is Law and All Must Obey.’

‘But did parliament agree to this?’

‘Stephen,’ laughed Kibamba, ‘You’re
not seeing the implications properly. If the Paternal Father makes the law,
then there is no need for a legislature. So parliament was automatically
abolished!’

‘Wasn’t this challenged in court?’

‘Try to adjust your thinking,’ replied
Kibamba impatiently. ‘There is no need for a court to interpret the law if the
Paternal Father is the law. So courts were also abolished.’

‘But on what principles was the Great
Leader operating?’

‘He acted according to his own philosophical
principles.’

‘Did he have any?’

‘That’s where I came in,’ replied
Kibamba proudly. ‘I was appointed the Chief Commissioner for Ideology and
Propaganda and employed to write the Thoughts of the Great Leader Pscho Ma Ta
which became the curriculum in school and university. All other books were
banned.’

‘So did people stop quarreling?’

‘Of course. People had to follow the Thoughts
of the Great Leader, so they were all of the same opinion.’

‘Didn’t the chiefs rebel against this
intrusion into their traditional power over their subjects?’

‘The Great Leader had the Great Idea
of putting CCTV cameras in all their bedrooms, and it soon became apparent that
their nocturnal behaviour transgressed all traditional moral norms. After the
public exposure of their scandalous behaviour they were all detained on Lichubi
Island.’

‘Did anybody complain?’

‘Only a few. They were also sent to Lichubi
Island.’

‘And did the economy improve?’

‘We soon had full employment, just as
the Great Leader had promised. Half of the labour force was put into the army
to march up and down and praise the Great Leader. The other half of the labour
force was put down the mines to dig out copper to be sent to North Korea.’

‘What happened to all the money from
the copper?’

‘It was used to pay the army to march
up and down in praise of the Great Leader.’

‘Surely there must have been a lot of
argument about all this in the press?’

‘All argument,’ explained Kibamba, ‘was
banned in favour of national unity, peace and harmony, which were the essential
principles in the Thoughts of the Great Leader. North Korean technology was used
to channel all news through a department under my control known as ZNBC, Zombie
News Banning and Censorship. In this way people didn’t get upset about anything
divisive, unpatriotic or treasonable.’

‘And then this great African
totalitarian experiment collapsed earlier this year, when Paramount Chief Kalaki
escaped from Lichubi Island and began his great thousand mile march on Sulaka
and, with his rallying cry of Democracy and the Human Rights, restored
multi-party democracy to Zombieland.’

‘It was a sad day for dictatorship,’
replied Kibamba.

‘Do you think democracy can ever work
in Zombieland?’

‘Never!’ replied Kibamba.

‘Is that because the principles of
democracy and human rights have been forgotten?’

‘Certainly not!’ replied Kibamba.

‘So the principles of democracy have
been remembered?’

‘Certainly not!’ said Kibamba. ‘They
were never understood in the first place!’

‘Well, thanks for talking to us,’ said
Stephen. ‘And we do hope that you’ll soon be released from Kamfinsa Prison.’