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“Ok, wait, give me the dates?” I asked my partner through
the phone line as we talked on his work break. He lists out several meeting
dates and we discuss a conflict of overlapping meetings. I asked how he was
going to choose which meeting to attend and he began listing out other people’s
priorities and then described how he could best accommodate them. “Umm yea,” I responded.
“But what do you want? What nourishes you?”

This conversation reminded me of a debate I’ve been
curiously following in parent blogs and magazines about how much to schedule kids’
activities. Beyond running the parents ragged going from soccer practice to
cello practice to home and bed, there’s the outstanding question of time for
play. Where is the space in the schedule for kids to use their own resources to
entertain themselves? What nourishes kids more, play or structured activities?
How do we support what nourishes them the most? I’m waiting to see where this
debate goes, but it did make me wonder why we aren’t having this same debate
about adults. Maybe not between play and structured activities, that’s another
conversation, but maybe just starting with what activities we choose to do. How
do we prioritize the time we want to commit to our many issues and relationships?
For those of us who work a day job and use evenings and weekends to support
activist causes we believe in, how do we go about making these decisions? One place
to begin is to examine if what we are doing is nourishing or if we only doing
the activity out of obligation.

It can be difficult to figure out when we are doing
something out of obligation versus doing something which actually fuels us.
Yet, if we can figure out for ourselves obligation from nourishment, then we
have the best information to make a choice about our activities. One way to
notice between the two is when you find yourself using “shoulds”. When you hear
yourself saying, “I should do ____.”When you hear yourself saying this
repeatedly (maybe even with a feeling of dread or despair), you are making a
decision out of obligation. This is great information to help you understand what
you actually want and what might be draining instead of nourishing.

What supports your nourishment?

Nourishment is that which fuels us. Ideally, it leaves us
feeling energized and excited. We feel connected to others and ourselves. However,
especially in social activist work, what is nourishing isn’t always easy.
Sometimes what nourishes us is a commitment that takes time. Sometimes
nourishing work can be confusing and uncomfortable, the cost of the birthing
change into the world. We may take the results of activity more personally because
what is nourishing can sometimes be more challenging than activities we feel
obligated to. We may feel more emotionally invested in what fuels us and this
can lead to worry and anxiety. Yet, when we participate in nourishing
activities, it feels “right”. If it is challenging, it challenges us in a way
where we grow. If we are worried, it is a worry that comes from a hope that we
can help create change. When we are doing something nourishing, it is often fun
and our heart wants to return.

Once we make a choice to honor and do what is nourishing instead
of what we feel obligated to, we are left with the question of how to back out
of the obligations. (This may sometimes not be possible, some obligations are
just part of life, but often we do have a choice in what we commit to with our
time.) How does one back out of obligations gracefully, you may ask. Backing
out of obligations is always hard. The best tactic is honesty.

Be honest that you’ve overcommitted yourself. You can
apologize if necessary, but be clear that, for example, you are no longer
available to make the cookies for the bake sale or present on a panel. The key
to backing out of obligations gracefully is the art of still attending to your
commitments. Try to give as much time as possible for people to know that you
can no longer follow through. Secondly, try to find someone else to take your
spot. When you are no longer taking advantage of an opportunity, other people then
have a chance to participate. Could you find someone else to bake cookies?
Could you open up an opportunity for someone new to present by asking your network,
colleagues or friends if anyone is interested in taking your place to present
on the panel? After being clear that you are no longer available, describe what
you are doing to try and fill the gap and then give a deadline that is
respectful as possible. For example, “Hello _____, Unfortunately, I’ve found
myself overcommitted and am unable to present on the panel next month. I will
ask around to see if I can find a replacement presenter. I’ll let you know
either way by next Friday. Thanks again for extending the opportunity to take
part on the panel. I’m sure with your knowledge and expertise it will be
amazing.”

Perhaps it’s because I’m writing a book on self-care, but
I’ve had several people back out of commitments “in the interest of their own
self-care”, leaving the response at that. It is a deeply unsatisfying response.
It may be truthful that it is in the interest of their self-care that they back
out, but this reason doesn’t acknowledge the consequences of the situation. It
is important to name that we are backing out of something that we had committed
to. Honesty and accountability are important, especially where we want to
maintain relationships.

Our primary relationship is with ourselves. If we don’t
honor ourselves, then we are left with feeling unsatisfied with how we are
spending our time. We start taking out this dissatisfaction on those around us,
getting crabby at our friends, partner or kids. We might show up to the
obligation with a bad attitude and ruin the time for others. Like it or not, we
usually have the signs we need about whether we are committing to obligations instead
nourishing activities. We just have to learn to listen and practice honoring
the right choice for us.

About Me

Naomi Ortiz is a writer, poet and visual artist who cracks apart common beliefs and spills out beauty. As a disabled Mestiza living in the U.S./Mexico borderlands, Naomi supports individuals to build bridges through facilitated discussion, art, poetry and reflection, connecting them to their own truths around self-care and living in multiple worlds. Naomi provides individual consultations and is a nationally known speaker and trainer on self-care for activists, disability justice, and intersectionality. Her upcoming book, "Sustaining Spirit: Self Care for Social Justice" invites and supports readers to explore the relationships between mind, body, spirit, heart and place in order to integrate self-care to survive and thrive. "Sustaining Spirit: Self Care for Social Justice" will be released in 2017.