We Didn’t Need Dialogue, We Had Faces!

29Oct

Good Morning ladies and germs. I come to you today from the “comfort” of my fiberglass chair, at my work desk. Yes, I am at work…blogging. Our internet is running at the super speed of vintage 1995 and it is taking about 20 minutes to send any kind of email. So, here I sit, typing this out as I wait for another email to load. I swear, all that is missing from this equation is the connection screetch and the “welcome, you’ve got mail” voice blasting through the speakers.

SCRRRRREEEEECCCHHHHH…..

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. Happy, sad, confused…blah blah. For the most part though, all has been well and good. For those of you who have been reading from the first few posts, I am FINALLY moving out of my horrible shit-hole of an apartment, and shuffling on to bigger better things. The cleaning and packing of this crappy apartment seems to be never ending though, and it is driving me to the edge of insanity. I can’t wait to be out of there for good come Friday.

Anyway, that is not what this blog is about today. Today it is about a conversation I had with my sister last night, and our conclusion about how something in our upbringing resulted in terrible personality flaws that myself, as well as my brother and sister, seem to have.

I don’t remember how the conversation came up, but we ended up joking about how many people who are close to us tend to eventually confront us about how negative we are (among other things). It suddenly became very clear that it wasn’t really a joke, it’s a pretty serious problem. Let me tell you how amazed I was that it wasn’t only me who reacts that way to situations that normal people react to in a happy way. We traded stories back and forth and it got kinda sad to me. I told her about a situation where something really great happened to a friend and I, and that person was very excited and hugged me, screaming with joy. What did I do? I got stiff and uncomfortable and downplayed the happiness of the situation like it wasn’t a big deal. My sister, on the other hand, shared a story about reading a letter my niece wrote about being excited about an upcoming trip. She said she had to bite her tongue to keep from saying something negative about an otherwise happy situation. I don’t have a specific story about my brother doing this, but trust me, he does a lot as well. And it has nothing to do with jealousy at all, we do it even when something good happens to US.

We kept asking ourselves why we do that. And we contemplated what was missing or broken in our upbringing that causes us to try to negate something happy. Neither of us want to be like that. We both expressed how horrible it is to realize you’re doing this and how it is affecting those around you. We tried to laugh about how when we consciously try to fix it, we feel like we are being overly nice and too fake. I gave her an example of how I question why I am not functioning normal. I will share that with you all too. This has happened on many different occasions, but this is the most recent. It may seem silly, but at the root of it, the realization sucks and sometimes makes me feel incomplete. Here we go:

I was taking a break from cleaning for a minute and popped in the movie the Devils Advocate. As ridiculous as that movie is, I enjoy it. There is a part early in the movie where Keanu Reeve’s character tells his wife (played by Charlize Theron if you haven’t seen it for some reason) good news about winning a case. She screams happily, jumps up and down, jumps on him to hug him and they kinda are just happy in the moment together.

Ok, see this face? I don’t think I’ve ever even ACTED this excited before…

Now, instead of just watching that part like a regular person, I thought, “I wish I could be that excited over something. Why can’t I react that way when something exciting happens to me or someone close to me? I want to be that person and know what that feels like..”. Let me tell you, I have NEVER ONCE, fell that excited over something. Don’t get me wrong, I have been excited over things, but it is a small smile at most and it is usually followed by what could have been better about it, or what can go wrong with it. Let me clarify too that this is not comparing my life to movies. That would be retarded. I have seen my friends react similar to this often. They have even reacted like this to news I have told them about myself, as I stood there kinda smiling awkwardly. So tell me dear readers…what the fuck is wrong here?! Do I need meds (spare me the pharmaceutical conspiracy theories on this please…I don’t believe ’em)?! Am I just hard wired to be miserable like this for ever? I don’t want that! It pushes people away.

We get this from our mom. That much is very obvious. I love my mom very much, But what sadness happened to HER to make her pass this (probably unknowingly) down to us?! I have had my share of horrible things that have happened to me as a kid, don’t doubt that. But most of that didn’t begin until around age 8. So when a child’s first memory at 3 years old, is looking in the mirror and hating that reflection and being disappointed that there is nothing special looking back, there has to be something going on with the wiring upstairs.

This is what I imagine my brain doing when I act like this.

So, for the time being, I am going to make a change MYSELF. Hopefully, I can break this ugly habit I’ve been taught to have for 29 years. I felt like I just had to write it to get it off my chest, so excuse th “woe is me” context here. I promise I will go back to my normal blogs soon haha. I am open to opinions and suggestions of course…but know I’ll probably roll my eyes at them and scoff even though I KNOW they are helpful haha.. Jk.
Thanks for reading as always!