We decided this morning at the Café to go full on vegan, not for any specific reason, just because it seems to be the done thing these days. So we looked up vegan on the internet and as result we’re cutting out meat, fish and all dairy products. We decided that we may as well go the whole hog and go gluten and nut free too.

So, no meat, no fish, no eggs, no milk, no cheese, no bread, no nuts, and no cakes. Not even beer, because beer isn’t strictly speaking vegan because they use isinglass as a filtration agent.

But what the hell, we can eat as many peas, lentils, beans, and salads as we like. We can even season them with olive oil and salt and pepper.

For breakfast we had a bowl of beans and a glass of lemon tea, which to be honest left us feeling even more peckish than before we’d eaten.

It seemed like an eternity before lunchtime rolled around. When it finally did we had a plate of boiled rice with quorn mince and fried onions. It tasted like shit, but we persevered.

At about three o’clock GMT a fight broke out and one of our staffers got stabbed in the throat with a pencil. Mercifully it was just a flesh wound.

By quarter past, our book reviewer asked quietly if anybody fancied a kebab or a McDonald’s.

So we just caved in like the big softies we are and ordered a huge delivery. Doner kebabs, meat feast pizzas, Big Macs, Whoppers, KFC, and two double chilli cheeseburgers with egg, mushrooms, bacon and sausages. And a 20lb turkey for a curry supper. We also sent Barking Mad Murphy out for beer, whisky and vodka.

We’re okay know, apart from the flatulence.

We won’t be doing that again.

Our conclusion was unanimous; veganism is fine for vegans, but not for us.

Our good friend Deborah Taylor, a Stalybridge Celtic fan for her sins, today made the possibility of a low fat Big Mac a reality for all Café Spike readers when she announced that she was embarking on a hole food diet, consisting primarily of Polo mints, bagels and donuts, which is a conversation starter if ever there was one.

This prompted a unique event, by way of encouraging Café Spike staffers to actually think for once and come up with some viable hole foods. We came up with onion rings, calamares, some types of Monster Munch and Hula Hoops, all of which have holes in them. And Swiss cheese which only made the cut on a technicality.

And pineapple rings – which we just thought of.

So where does the low fat Big Mac with up to 33% less calories come in?

We suggested a Big Mac, which doesn’t actually have a hole in it as a rule, but would have if you cut your own hole in it. In response, Debbie informed us that by using an apple corer you can cut the middle out of a Big Mac, thus making it not only holy – but minus 20% of the fat and calories.

Which we thought was a thoroughly splendid idea, which actually pissed us off a tad because we didn’t think of it – so we went one better and found that by using a cookie cutter you can cut a big hole in a Big Mac which will actually reduce the fat and calorific content by up to 33% and still retain its essential holiness. All you have to do for healthy Big Mac Bagel lo-cal food heaven is lob the middle bit in the bin* and eat the holy outer circle.

Further research has revealed that by using this technique, other foods such as hot dogs, BK Whoppers, KFC Zingers all manner of sandwiches and Domino’s Pizzas can also become instant low fat calorifically reduced classics.*

* Note – it doesn’t work with curries.

Café Spike – giving you wings and a free rein to go fast food crazy.

With special thanks to Deborah Taylor – who might be your Facebook friend if you ask her nicely and she isn’t snowed in or in a bad mood.

Café Spike has an LGBT friendly policy because LGBT people are people first and that’s what matters.

We’ve been asked to list our Editor In Chief’s typical dietary intake over a 24 hour period for a leading international health, diet, exercise and fitness magazine, basically in the hope that others will be inspired to attain a Café Spike level of fitness and mental agility. So what follows is a typical day in the dietary life of our esteemed EIC.

06:00 Open Mail Online. Post stupid comments to wind the idiots up. Three packets of crisps, more cigarettes, four cold beers. Stiff brandy.

08:00 Last night’s curry microwaved and served on thickly buttered sliced white bread. (4 Slices) Back to bed for a bit.

11:45 Whisky and double pepperami pizza or cheddar cheese on toast. (4 slices) Try to write a story for the magazine. Treble brandy. Put reading glasses on to prevent double vision. Type rubbish for a few minutes. Give up. Large rum and coke. Doze off in chair watching This Morning.

15:15 Wake up starving. Microwaved corned beef on toast with four strong lagers. Exchange FB messages with Frankie, our staffer in the USA who hasn’t been well recently. Advise Frankie that he needs to switch to a healthy lifestyle.