In a little more than two weeks, Blizzard will be unveiling the next playable race for the Alliance. Ever since the conference of Broken Promises and Failed Expectations that was Blizzcon, players have wondered what in fact will be the "Yin" to the Horde's "Yang", the announced Blood Elves. This isn't to say that the new race will be played at all, because ever since the Alliance realized they were collectively terrible at PvP, they have just been looking for any excuse to reroll as Shaman.

A new Racial class is one of the few changes Blizzard can make to the game that doesn't involve numbers going up and down, or Raid content that 70% of its player base will never experience. In the interest of time (and lack of an idea for a better article idea), I have already taken care of the wild, completely nonfactual speculation for you. So let's take a serious look at the contestants!

The Draenai

No female character models currently exist for the Draenai, which is in sync with the demographic of WoW subscribers.

Computer Games Monthly's February issue confirmed that, "players would enjoy playing as the Draenai" during a sneak preview of the Burning Crusades expansion this February. Almost immediately, after the swift hand of the Vivendi legal team bitch slapped them for breaking an NDA, the editor commented that was mere it was a completely unsubstantiated rumor that they strongly believed to be true. This, combined with the fact that almost no one actually enjoys "playing" World of Warcraft (in all honesty its more of a 2nd day job), leads many to wonder if the rumors hold any validity.

It is commonly known among the five people that actually care about the Lore of Warcraft that the Draenai despise the Orcs for various atrocities committed in their homeland. If there's one thing Blizzard loves more than anything, it's adding additional content in the game to go kill Orcs. The Draenai would provide game designers with at least two more instances filled with Demonic, Posessed, or Cyborged Orcs.

Ties to the mysterious, unaccessible Outland will allow game developers to create an immersing history for the almost undefined Draenai from scratch. This will most likely be done by borrowing heavily (and poorly) from the Lord of the Rings, a Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual and a Robert Jordan (or Piers Anthony) novel like they have since The Lost Vikings was developed.

Despite actual character models of Draenai actually existing in game, the Alliance has very little reason to actually quest in Swamp of Sorrows so it would still cause quite a stir among players. I think they are big on fishing and being depressed.

It is commonly accepted that Blizzard is aiming for the next Alliance race to be an "Ugly" race, to contrast the supermodel-esque beauty of the Blood Elves. The only way the Draenai could look anymore hideous than they currently do is if Blizzard allowed the art team that designed the Ahn'Qiraj dungeon armor sets to redo the texture models.

There is plenty of in-game lore already implemented that would suggest that the Forest Trolls are the bane of the Horde, from the Blood Elves to the Forsaken. In fact, many popular Horde NPCs already express their sentiments in game:

Thrall: "Forest Trolls. It shames me to think they were ever a part of the Horde." .

Sylvanas: "Forest trolls! I hate them even more than those cursed dreadlords. Slaughter them all!"

Cairne Bloodhoof: "Ugh, I cannot stand the miserable Forest Trolls! Especially their +5 skill to fist weapons, and their ability to remove all Poisons and Stuns every 3 minutes! If an army of Forest Trolls allied with the Alliance, a temporary Horde truce with the Blood Elves would certainly be necessary. I can only hope that the foretold prophecy of Winter 2k6 does not come true."

Blizzard did eventually manage to make Trolls a class for Horde that players would want to roll, around patch 1.09. Is it possible for them to repeat this rare occurrence for the Alliance?

There are plenty of African-American dialects that have yet to be used in an almost derogatory fashion, and what better way to promote Racial harmony then to exploit stereotypes? Options for Forest Trolls include 1920s Blackface, the vocal talents of Biz Markee, or to just borrow liberally from episodes of The Chappelle Show. Players love that "Rick James" shit. Who knows - we might even get another terribly annoying Leroy Jenkins internet meme out of the deal!

There are simply not enough Trolls in WoW Right now, players are limited to the Ice Trolls of Alterac, the Dark Trolls of Ashenvale, the Zombie Trolls of the Sunken Temple, the Gimped Trolls of Orgrimmar, and the Forum Trolls of the official Warcraft Boards. How about some variety for once? Look to the forest, Blizzard.

Forest Trolls

The Worgen

They look totally awesome. In my opinion, Blizzard needs to maintain the delicate balance of 3 times as many Alliance players, to Horde players on any given server. Is their anything more badass then a Werewolf? Look deep into that black t-shirt you own, with the that Spirit Wolf and the Moon in the background. Nothing is more hardcore than wolves. They could even drive TransAms for mounts.

Racial traits could liberally be stolen from already existing Horde templates. Cannibalize, Bloodfury, Ghost Wolf, and Chain Lightning are all valid options that could easily be implemented into their character lore.

Worgen could use the Dance emote while riding on top of their mounts, on their way to the big raid where the winner takes back the heart of Lisa 'Boof' Marconi - if they can score the game winning free throw.

Can you imagine how cool it would be to equip a Worgen in a Wolf's Head helm? Talk about some Hannibal Lecter shit. Now think about equipping a Worgen in armor with "The Wolf" stat bonuses. Have I blown your mind yet?

Players might actually have a reason to travel to Silverpine Forest for questing. Alliance currently knows this as "that place with the Lake you have to swim across to get to the Scarlet Monastery around level 35. In addition, Blizzard could reintroduce "Shadowfang Keep" as an entirely new instance and no one would be the wiser.

Of all the rumored new races to be introduced, none have as much slash-fiction created for them on the Internet. There's a large, untapped demographic of fucked up individuals that would like to roleplay as some kind of Wolf, and have intimate relations with 2 Tauren females while a Night Elf Druid in Bear Form watches on - and they speak with their wallets. Or fursuits. Regardless, Blizzard will not be satisfied until every group of Sexual Deviant begins to play WoW, and either Worgen or Dickgirls are the best course of action to reach this attainable goal.

The Cows are huge, bestial creatures who live in the grassy, open barrens of the Eastern Continent. They live to serve nature and maintain the balance between the wild things of the land and the restless spirit of the elements. Despite their enormous size and brute strength, the remarkably peaceful Cows cultivate a quiet, tribal society. However, when roused by conflict,

Cows are implacable enemies who will use every ounce of their strength to smash their enemies under hoof. Under the leadership of their ancient chief, The Cow King, the Cows allied themselves with the Deckard Cain during the invasion of Diablo's minions. The two have remained steadfast allies ever since. Like the Alliance, the Cows struggle to retain their sense of tradition and noble identity.

The recent addition of the Cow Level, accessible from Deadwind Pass with the new drop in Scholomance adds credibility to the addition, in addition to the preexisting character models in the game that are viewable with any graphical editor and a little knowledge of de-compiling executable files.

Might convince players to start using Polearms more often. The only thing more silly than a Cow standing on two legs is a Cow using a One Handed Weapon and Shield.

Ex-Community Manager of the World of Warcraft forums, and former bovine Caydiem confirmed that Cows would not, in fact be added to the game in any way shape or form. This is the same person who said that Paladins would receive a fair, balanced look during their talent revisions, and that Rogues continue to play a valuable, non-substitutable role in raid encounters. Do not believe her lies. Cows are in.

The Cows

Well, that's all I can think of for valid candidates! No, Pandaren are not going to be the next race for the Alliance, unless you want for WoW to be the reason for the next Cold War with China. Speaking of a culturally repressed, censored society, I need you guys to keep on sending me screenshots, fan mail and invites to all the crazy E3 afterparties to abraham@somethingawful.com! Next week, an animated special that will make you laugh, cry, and possibly look into seeking legal representation. So long!

Traci Lords goes on a journey of vengeance and squibs while making the same stupid face constantly.

About This Column

"World of Warcraft" has been sucking in cash and fat peoples' souls like a Ghostbusters containment unit, so it only seemed appropriate that Something Awful start up a section devoted to such a noble game. The Art of Warcraft tackles all the hot button ingame issues, and much more!