Saturday, November 8, 2014

Amy's Legacy

Today is the 19th month anniversary of Amy's leaving us. Has it gotten any easier?In some ways. But I don't think my life will ever be the same; there will always be this sadness that is now a part of my soul. There are still tears, times where I feel like I can't go on. But there are more times of peace, contentment and joy than there are tears.

Tis the season.....right?Last year I tried to avoid Christmas. We went away for three weeks. I couldn't abide being here. This year we are staying home. We are facing Christmas. We are going to celebrate the best we can. It was painful to get out the fall decorations. I can't imagine how painful it will be to get out the Christmas ones! But I'm going to do it. Coming home from a shopping trip with my oldest a few days ago, we drove through a little town that always has a huge Christmas tree lit up right alongside the road. It was already lit! I was still weepy from the movie and this was just too much. Amy loved seeing Christmas lights. She loved to see that tree on our yearly shopping trip. Sometime the missing is so intense. I cried buckets.A few weeks ago I heard the promo for a new song and I finally found it on YouTube. I have enjoyed the music of Mark Shultz since I first heard his song, "He's My Son" in 1998 or 99. When I saw the promo for this new song I knew it would touch my heart, but not expecting it to so dramatically say what I am going through this year.

Snow is falling Christmas EveLights are coming on up and down the streetThe sound of carols fills the airAnd people rushing home, families everywhere

Putting candles in the windowsLights upon the treeBut there's no laughter in this house Not like there used to beThere's just a million little memories That remind me you're not hereIt's just a different kind of Christmas this year

In the evening fires glow Dancing underneath the mistletoeA letter left from Santa ClausWon't be the same this year in this house because

There's one less place set at the tableOne less gift under the treeAnd a brand new ache to take their place inside of meI'm unwrapping all these memoriesFighting back the tearsIt's just a different kind of Christmas this year

There's voices in the drivewayFamilies right outside the doorAnd we'll try to make this Christmas like the ones we've had beforeAs we gather round the table, I see joy on every faceAnd I realize what's still alive is the legacy you made

It's time to put the candles in the windows, the lights upon the treeIt's time to fill this house with laughter like it used to beJust because you're up in heaven, doesn't mean you're not nearIt's just a different kind of ChristmasIt's just a different kind of Christmas this year

The last lines shook me to my core. And I realize what's still alive is the legacy Amy madeIt's time to put the candles in the windows, the lights upon the treeIt's time to fill our home with laughter like it used to beJust because Amy's up in heaven, doesn't mean she's not nearIt's just a different kind of Christmas this year.

But what is Amy's legacy? She didn't own property, she didn't have anything of worldly value that she left to us. She couldn't speak or write, so there is not even anything in print that was from her hand. What is her legacy?

These are some of the things that Amy left me:

--because of Amy I have the ability to see all forms of disabilities with love and compassion --Amy loved with unconditional love.No matter my physical or mental pain, can I love others the way she taught me to love?--Because of her love for certain things I have the knowledge of every line to Veggie Tales and Disney movies memorized. (I'm trying my best to forget Hannah Montana).

I asked my husband to think on this and gave him a few days. He said that Amy's legacy is the impact she made on other people.

If Amy made an impact on your life, if she changed you somehow by knowing her, if she left you a legacy............will you tell me? I need to know to be able to DO Christmas this year. I need to know that her life meant something to others beside just me. Please comment, message me, email me, or the old fashioned way of writing a note. I am going to print them out so I can remember, when I hit those low moments, of what Amy's legacy is.

I've been thinking about this. My favorite memory happened when she was still walking. I was visiting, and was asked to walk her to the table. She was in front of me, and as we began walking, she just sort of melted against me. She just looked back at me with such love in her eyes, such trust. She knew I wouldn't drop her. (She also knew I wouldn't make her walk!) So when I think of Amy's legacy, I think of her utter trust and how she showed me what that looks like.