Tag Archives: toxic mother

For years, one thing that has bothered me about the relationship with not only my narcissistic mother, but also narcissistic grandmother & narcissistic mother in-law is the waste of it all. I was pretty much nothing but a bother to my narcissistic mother. When I was one of the caregivers for my narcissistic grandmother, she ordered me around like the hired help & was constantly hateful & cruel to me. We should’ve been close since I spent so much time with her, but instead I was nothing but a servant to her. As for the mother in-law, she hated me since we met, never giving me a chance. I’m just the woman who stole her son.

This is so sad to me. It seems like nothing but waste. Narcissism stole any chance at me having a decent, at the very least civil, relationship with any one of these women. On top of the damage it causes, such as stealing joy & destroying self-esteem, narcissism also steals relationships.

It’s also sad to me to think about what these narcissists in my life missed out on. Admittedly, I still have issues with self-esteem, but even so, I realize I’m not a bad person. I have a good (albeit warped) sense of humor. I like to help people. These people have missed out on that, & it’s a shame for them.

Have you ever thought about that? About what your narcissistic mother has missed out on by treating you the way she has?

It’s common I think to be so focused on what we, the victims, missed out on, but I think contemplating what they, the abusers, missed out on too can be helpful. It helps you to realize you aren’t unworthy, as you were made to believe.

If you really think about it, your narcissistic mother missed out on a lot. You have many great qualities, & it is her loss not to be able to enjoy those. What good qualities do you have? Are you loyal? Compassionate? Fun? Helpful? She also missed out on so many of those lovely mother/daughter moments, such as picking out a prom dress, planning your wedding, or helping you pick out paint colors for your first home. So many mothers & daughters are very close friends- she missed out on your lovely friendship. You aren’t the only one who missed out on those- they would’ve been a blessing to her as well. She missed out on watching you grow & appreciating you in each phase of your life.

Your narcissistic mother has missed out on so much with you. You are truly a gem, & it’s her loss that she’s been so involved with her narcissism that she missed out on that. Do you know that?

If you’ve never thought like this before, I’d like to encourage you to think about it. What has your narcissistic mother missed out on with you? Think about the wonderful qualities you bring to a relationship. When you do, you’ll see that your mother has lost a special gift in you. You’ll also see that just maybe, you aren’t as terrible as she always tried to make you believe.

Most people have heard of flashbacks, where you feel as if you are reliving a traumatic event. It can be so difficult to tell reality from the awful memory during a flashback. They are horrible, & I wouldn’t wish them on anyone.

But, this isn’t the only type of flashback. Emotional flashbacks happen too. They are when something triggers an overwhelming feeling in you. For example- being late makes me feel tremendous anxiety & shame. My mother would get me to high school at the last possible moment to show me she was in charge, telling me how lucky I was she would do this or anything at all for me, considering how awful I treated her. It’s been almost 30 years since she did this yet anxiety & shame still kick into overdrive if I’m running late.

Other examples of emotional flashbacks are things like believing if you make a mistake it makes you bad or feeling shame if someone disagrees with you, or doesn’t like something you like.

There is also such a thing as a sensory flashback. Sensory flashbacks are brought on by something that affects the senses. For example, smelling a certain perfume or seeing a style of clothing like your narcissistic mother wore creates terrible anxiety in you.

Emotional & sensory flashbacks can be managed with the same methods used to manage regular flashbacks. Grounding techniques can help you to get through it. Use something to stimulate the senses, such as smelling something with a very strong scent, or touch something with a very coarse texture or even hold an ice cube. Something that strongly stimulates at least one of your senses will force your mind to take notice, & help to loosen the flashback’s hold on you, keeping you in reality. And, once it’s done, don’t forget to take care of yourself while you recover. Flashbacks, even mild ones, can take a lot out of you. You need to rest & pamper yourself to recover afterwards.

Although flashbacks can be extremely painful to experience, they also can be beneficial. They show you what areas you need healing in. I encourage you to try to use that awful flashback to help you in this way. As you feel strong enough, face whatever issue came up & cope with it the best you can. Pray- ask God to help you to heal. Learn about ways to forgive your abuser, because you deserve to be happy, without carrying around anger or bitterness. Learn ways to take care of yourself, to be the nurturer you never had.

Although I didn’t write a specific Mother’s Day post this year, I was thinking of everyone & praying for you. I hope the day was a good one for all of you, in spite of your narcissistic mother!

I found some humor in the day. The IFC channel showed “Mommie Dearest” over & over all day long.. guessing someone who thought of this has a bad or narcissistic mom.

I noticed my stats for this blog, & as usual, lots of people read my posts on the day. It’s really sad, isn’t it? So many people suffer on what should be a lovely day.

It’s hard to know what to do on Mother’s Day when you have a narcissistic mother, isn’t it? I’ve done many things, such as spend time with my furkids, go out to lunch with hubby, feel sad that my mother & I have such a lousy relationship, watch horror movies & yes, even watch “Mommie Dearest” today. As a child, I spent the day with my mother, made her cards & other little gifts.

I think what is important is to do whatever feels right to you. Some may feel the need to grieve their bad relationship with their narcissistic mother on Mother’s Day while others prefer to focus on doing something fun with their own children. Some celebrate the ladies in their lives who have been good role models for them, others choose to ignore the day completely.

I really don’t see anything wrong with any of those options. You need to do what you feel in your heart is right for you. Coping with the pain of having a narcissistic mother isn’t easy. There is no one size fits all solution, either. Do what feels right to you, that gives you comfort, & ignore what anyone else has to say. Self care is vital to your mental health, especially on one of the hardest days of the year.

Like true predators, narcissists are very good at knowing when & how to attack their prey in the most efficient way possible.

One of their tactics is waiting until their victim is tired or sick.

If you’re tired or sick, you are less likely to be able to defend yourself properly. You don’t think as clearly, so your boundaries may be more lax. Unclear thinking also means you may not know how to handle the situation, so you automatically slip back into old, dysfunctional habits. You may tolerate a lot more than you normally would since you don’t have the physical or mental energy to argue.

When I was sick in bed with the flu a couple of days after losing my cat, Vincent, my mother called. Knowing that Vincent had been my granddad’s cat before he died, she mentioned this. She said she heard Vincent died (my father must’ve told her), & he’s better off. He was so much happier with Granddad than he ever was with me. He never was happy with me. Normally, saying such incredibly cruel things would’ve caused me to completely lose my temper & say bad things I would need to repent for later. Instead, since I was exhausted, feeling horrible & grieving, I just cried. I couldn’t even speak. Not only had I lost my beautiful baby, but it was kinda like losing my Granddad again since Vincent not only was his cat, but was a lot like him. It was devastating, & her words made it more so. I gave my mother just what she wanted with my reaction- proof she hurt me.

Another time several years ago, my parents came by for a visit. My anxiety levels were so bad, I kept vomiting. My mother didn’t care, even when I told her I was sick & needed to rest. Instead, she treated me like dirt & insulted my furbabies while refusing to leave my home.

These are just two of many, many examples I have. I bet if you think about it, you can think of several times your narcissistic mother treated you the same way.

So how do you deal with this obnoxious problem?

The best way I’ve found is to avoid your narcissistic mother when you are sick or tired. Also, don’t forget to prepare- if you know you’re going to see your mother tomorrow, rest up today. Rest & pamper yourself however you like.

When that is impossible, do your best to set a time limit on your visit or call with your mother. If you’re having trouble with that, have a friend call you at a prearranged time telling you she needs you now. Admittedly, this isn’t the best solution, but so you aren’t lying, tell your friend you would like to hang out for a little while or grab some lunch or whatever you feel up to. Also, have a code word. For example, if she calls & you say, “My mother is here” she knows it’s time to tell you she needs to see you immediately. If you say “My mom is here” she knows you’re ok & she doesn’t need to intervene. It’s a good “in case of emergency” solution if nothing else works.

My parents came by for a visit on Thursday. I didn’t expect it to be a good one. My mother is always angry with me, & my father was upset I postponed from last week. For days, I prayed & worried.

Wednesday, I suddenly got very angry at the fact that my parents have done so much to me, yet believe they are entitled to come into my home anytime & treat my furbabies & I so nastily in our own home. Mind you, I’m not particularly good with anger. Growing up, my mother accused me of having “that Bailey temper”, shaming me, if I was angry or even simply just frustrated. I learned early to ignore anger. It’s only been recently I’ve been trying to deal with anger in a healthy way. Even so, it still feels awkward to be angry, so Wednesday was a somewhat difficult day.

I realized something though. I was gaining confidence. It really started to sink in that I have a right to be angry about the things they have done & continue to do to me. That anger gave me the confidence to realize I do NOT have to put up with being abused. If me having boundaries hurts their feelings, that isn’t my problem.

Shortly before they arrived, I remembered something that also helped me. Years ago, I stopped speaking to my mother 6 years. During that time, I had planned to visit my Granddad one Saturday. The night before, he called & said my parents had just called to say they were coming by on that same day. He said “If you want to do this another time, I’ll understand.” I thought about doing that, but said no- I want to see him & if he wants to see me too, then I’ll be there in the morning. He did so we agreed I’d come by the following morning. That day of the visit, my mother was shocked to see me there. (Years before, she had tried to ruin my relationship with my grandparents. I had stopped speaking to them for several years, & at the time of the visit, only had began visiting him again a few months prior) She did her best to frazzle me with some of her actions, but instead I let her know they wouldn’t work, much to the delight of Granddad who was quite proud of me that day. I was proud of myself for handling things so well, too!

Remembering that successful event & being angry both helped me to stay strong when my parents came by & successfully, for the first time, limit the time of their visit! For the first time, I told them when the visit was over, not them staying in my home until they felt like leaving!

My point (finally..lol) is these tricks can help you when it comes to dealing with your narcissistic mother as well. I know many Christians think anger is from the devil or you’re a terrible person to feel anger, but I completely disagree! Anger is a normal emotion & it is from God. Yes, forgiveness is a wonderful thing & should be practiced regularly. However, anger has its place too. A righteous anger at injustice is a wonderful motivator for change. What is the difference? Being angry at the unfairness of being abused & being angry because you know you have done nothing to deserve abuse, those are examples of righteous anger. Me being angry because my parents have abused me & think they still have to right to do so is also righteous anger. God stirred that anger up in me for a reason on Wednesday- to help me be strong & able to set boundaries with my narcissistic parents the next day.

And, God also reminded me of a very successful interaction I’d had with my parents, which was extremely helpful as well. Remembering how well that previous episode had gone helped me to see that yes, I could be strong. Yes, I could handle things well. Yes, I could even be composed when angry. I could do it!

Dear Reader, what God did for me, He can do for you as well. I prayed & asked friends to pray for me to have strength for this visit, & God certainly did not disappoint. I would like to encourage you too, to think on similar things in your life. Gain courage from your successes, & hold onto that righteous anger! If you are having trouble, ask God to help you. He truly will!

Being a victim of narcissistic abuse is not an easy thing. You go through the abuse & somehow survive, only to be victimized further by people who invalidate what you have gone through.

I have heard comments such as…

“That doesn’t sound so bad…”(from my high school guidance counselor, referring to my mother screaming at me for hours in my teen years)

“You just need to understand her better.”

“Nobody’s perfect!”

“You need to fix things with your parents. Get into counseling!”

“You need to work things out with your parents. They won’t be around forever yanno!”

(from a different counselor after meeting my mother) “I can’t see you anymore- you’re a terrible daughter!”

“You need to find things you have in common with your parents!”

“You’re too negative!”

“I can’t believe they are that bad!”

“Are you even sure that happened? That’s a pretty serious accusation.”

Various excuses as to why my narcissistic parents or mother in-law treated me so poorly such as she isn’t intelligent (she isn’t educated- big difference), her mother in-law didn’t like her, etc.

Laughing at my story of being abused.

After hearing such things, I felt victimized all over again.

Victim blaming is very common in today’s society, so it’s not surprising these cruel words & more are said to victims of narcissistic abuse daily.

Unfortunately I don’t believe there is any way to avoid them entirely. All you can do is use wisdom on who you share your story with. Even when you do this, sometimes people may hurt you by invalidating your pain.

The fact is though that you can validate yourself. You can heal from narcissistic abuse even if there is no one to support you but God.

To do this, you need to lean on God. Talk to Him about how you feel. He can handle it all & wants to be there for you! Let Him be!

As for you.. you need to trust that what happened was bad. Admit it to yourself. No more excuses, no more telling yourself you’re oversensitive or weak. Narcissistic abuse permeates every part of a person’s being. It can destroy one’s self-esteem, perception of reality or even sanity. It is nothing to take lightly! If you’re having trouble with this, write your story out. When I wrote my autobiography “Emerging from the Chrysalis” a few years ago, it was hard. Very hard. For the first time, I realized just how bad the abuse I have survived really was. Yet, as hard as it was to see things in black & white, it was very freeing too. It gave me a new perspective. I realized I’m a very strong person. I also realized God must love me a great deal to have gotten me through all of that. It also helped me to see my parents as they truly are, instead of making excuses for their behavior or thinking I was the one with the problems- I really wasn’t oversensitive, overreacting, reading too much into things, etc. They have some serious problems & one of those problems is NOT me!

Once you are able to accept the truth about what you have gone through, healing will come. You will grieve, you will be angry, but these are necessary steps to freedom from narcissistic abuse. And, the more you validate yourself & heal, the less other people’s invalidation will bother you. I’m not saying it won’t hurt sometimes- it’s only human to be hurt when your pain is trivialized- but it won’t devastate you as it once did.

When dealing with a person who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, realistic expectations are extremely important for the sake of your mental health. They will help you not to be constantly disappointed or hurt. They also will help you to be prepared for whatever may come, because you understand that this is how the narcissist in your life acts.

For many adult children of narcissistic parents, adjusting their expectations to be realistic is very hard. It’s hard not to hope that this will be the time things are different, the one time that Mom actually cares about me or doesn’t insult my husband. It’s also hard to grasp that normal things- such as treating your child with basic respect- are things that no narcissistic parent wants to do.

Realistic expectations of narcissists are very different than those of other people. Most people, you are safe in assuming that they will have some level of empathy, think of people other than themselves & not viciously criticize anything they wish to about you. Not so with narcissists. Let’s look at some features of a narcissist:

They are constantly looking for narcissistic supply- anything that helps boost their self-esteem.

They are incredibly entitled- they feel as if they deserve anything they want, even if it means hurting others (yes, even their own family) to get it.

They have absolutely no empathy- never will a narcissist genuinely understand or care about your pain. Never.

Narcissists are excellent manipulators- they read people very well to find out their vulnerabilities so they can exploit them for personal gain.

Narcissists don’t care how much they hurt you, destroy your self-esteem or even destroy your sanity as long as they get what they want from you.

These few qualities alone mean you cannot deal with any narcissist as you would a normal person if you wish to survive this relationship with your mental health in tact. Keeping realistic expectations of the narcissist will help you tremendously.

So what are realistic expectations of a narcissist? Basically, have no expectations. Never expect to be able to run to your narcissistic mother with your problems without her criticizing or mocking you. Never expect her to be able to genuinely celebrate your victories either. She may try to take credit for what you have done, ignore it completely or trivialize it.

What you can expect from most narcissistic mothers-

She will criticize everything about you without mercy. I don’t mean constructive criticism- I mean mocking, insulting, saying cruel things that can bring you to tears.

Conversations will be all about her. If you try to mention something about yourself, she’ll find a way to bring the conversation back to her.

No empathy. It doesn’t matter if you broke a nail or are getting a divorce- your narcissistic mother will treat any problem you have exactly the same way. She won’t care.

Her trying to destroy any joy you have over something good that has happened to you.

Demands or hints rather than requests. She thinks she deserves your complete obedience.

Of course, each narcissist is a bit different, so I’m sure you can add to this list.

The good thing though is that if you keep in mind that your narcissistic mother is going to do these things, it will help you tremendously. You won’t be caught off guard by her outrageous behavior. You also can plan ahead of time how you wish to handle her outrageous behavior. You won’t be so hurt because you know it’s coming.

And, if you know what to expect, when your narcissistic mother calls or comes by, you can decide whether or not you can handle her on that particular day before you pick up the phone or answer the door.

Lastly, having these realistic expectations of your narcissistic mother also will help you to remember what kind of person she is, which will help you to remember that she has problems. You aren’t the terrible person she claims you are!

There are so many people who think growing up abused by a narcissistic parent isn’t a big deal, we need to get over it, stop wallowing in the past & feeling sorry for ourselves. Today’s post is for them.

And, Dear Reader, if this post doesn’t describe you, feel free to show this to those in your life it describes if you think it will help them to understand just how destructive & evil it is.

Below are some of the problems that narcissistic abuse can cause. If you have not been the victim of narcissistic abuse, I hope you thank God at the end of this list that you don’t have to live with these problems. I live with every single one, & it is extremely hard.

— Constant self doubt. Narcissists are experts at gaslighting (distorting reality) which leads victims to doubt themselves constantly. Narcissists state what they say as if it was the gospel truth, & when a person hears something, especially something said so confidently, over & over, they tend to believe it. Even if it is something they can see clearly & plenty of evidence points to what they see is right, they learn to doubt their perception of reality & believe the narcissist. Even once away from the narcissist, they tend to believe other people over themselves due to not trusting their own perceptions & feelings.

— Low self-esteem. Since insecurity is at the root of narcissism, narcissists love to make others feel as badly about themselves as they do. No matter how beautiful, talented, compassionate or intelligent you are, by the time a narcissist is done with you, you’ll be convinced you are the ugliest, most selfish, useless & stupid person ever to live. Any shred of self-esteem is destroyed, & done so in such as way as not to be obvious. Narcissists rarely tell you outright you’re stupid, for example. Instead they prefer to imply it. ( “A smart person would’ve known that!”) That way, if you confront them, they can reply with something like, “I never said you were stupid!”
“I don’t know where you get these ideas of yours.” ” You’re reading into things!” or something similar. Gaslighting at its finest…

— Anger. It’s only natural that after living through narcissistic abuse, you’ll be angry. It’s unfair, destructive & hurtful. Then those who you tell often invalidate your pain or don’t believe you, because they are fooled by the narcissist’s “good guy” act. Anger is very normal under the circumstances.

— Self destructive or self harming behaviors. Many people who survive abuse do things that are self-destructive. They can make poor choices such as choosing abusive romantic partners, or they can engage in binge eating or cutting.

— Dissociation. Dissociation is a survival skill that many people use to get through traumatic events. Women who were raped often describe it as feeling as if they left their body while the attack was happening. When you are abused, you often dissociate. I thought I was just day dreaming all my life, but I later learned I’ve been dissociating all this time. Sometimes I just get lost in my own mind & emotionally pull away from those around me. It often happens during traumatic situations, but sometimes it does not. It just happens out of the blue.

— Depression. Depression is very common as well. It’s hard to be happy when you feel like an utter failure, when you are certain everything you do/feel/think is wrong & when all you hear about is your faults. Sometimes, the depression can lead to suicidal thoughts or attempts. Yes, it really can be that bad. I spent much of my life suicidal as a result of narcissistic abuse.

— Guilt. Even knowing a lot about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there are still times that I feel guilty for disappointing my narcissistic mother. She is obviously disappointed I’m an author, she hates my house, car & that I haven’t “given her grandchildren”, & is even embarrassed by the fact I don’t speak to my in-laws (narcissistic mother in-law- I can’t deal with her verbal abuse). In spite of the fact I know these things are all right for me, occasionally, I feel guilty for disappointing my mother. This is typical. Children raised by narcissists feel responsible for everything, & that includes the happiness of their narcissistic mother. If they disappoint her, not only do they face her rage, but also the guilt for “failing”. Unfortunately this means they carry the guilt into their adult lives, so even when they know better, sometimes they still can feel guilty when they shouldn’t.

— Attracting abusive people. Once you have been abused, it seems like other abusers seek you out. Being beaten down so badly by a narcissist is no exception. Other narcissists will see you as a potential victim. Thankfully, the more you heal, the less this happens, but it still happens periodically even when you have been focused on your healing for a long time. You end up being on your guard when meeting new people or else you fall back into old, dysfunctional habits.

— Aches, pains & illnesses. Have you ever noticed that most narcissists are quite healthy, yet their victims are often sick? I believe this is because of stress. Narcissists rarely feel stressed, as they put everything unpleasant on others. Their victims, however, are under constant stress because they must appease the narcissist & anticipate her needs 24/7 at any personal cost or else face her volatile rage. Ongoing extreme stress causes a multitude of health problems such as high blood pressure, heart or kidney disease or even diabetes. And, depression can cause aches & pains with no physical cause.

— C-PTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is very common among victims of narcissistic abuse. The ongoing, constant trauma of gaslighting, verbal abuse & the rest of the evil that is narcissistic abuse can cause physical changes in the brain which results in C-PTSD. Basically, this means your body is in a constant state of fear. Pete Walker, author of “Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving” states that we have a fear reflex of fight, flight, freeze or faun. Living in a constant state of fear means you will have one of those responses, like it or not, when fear is triggered. For example, when my mother tries to control me as she did when I was a child, my natural reaction is faun- I do as she says & ignore my own anger at this unfair treatment. It takes conscious effort on my part not to behave this way. Plus, C-PTSD includes extreme anxiety, depression, flashbacks, damaged short term memory, sleep problems, nightmares & hyper-vigilance (an extreme awareness of your surroundings & potential danger). I have had C-PTSD since 2012, & frankly, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Living with the symptoms every day is sheer torture.

I would hope after reading this that your eyes are now opened to the truth about narcissistic abuse. It *is* a big deal. It *does* change your life. It has nothing to do with not getting over things or self-pity. The symptoms are a normal result to very abnormal circumstances.

One of the favorite tools of a narcissistic mother is to groom her child to believe the child is the problem. If the child wasn’t so difficult, the narcissistic mother wouldn’t have to “discipline her” (translation- abuse). The child is rebellious, ungrateful, or has mental problems. Communicating this message to the child ensures that she won’t question her narcissistic mother’s cruelty. She believes the abuse is all her fault. She also may try to please her narcissistic mother endlessly to make it up to her for being such a bad child.

Not only does the narcissistic mother communicate this message to her child, but to anyone else as well. This serves the narcissistic mother well, as people believe her, without question. The child is not believed by people who know her narcissistic mother, even as an adult, even by people who have known her for a long time.

Grooming her child & spreading her vile message to anyone who will listen, along with manipulating people pretty much guarantees the adult child of the narcissistic mother won’t be believed if she ever opts to reveal the dysfunction of her family.

This has happened to me. Most people I have discussed my relationship with my parents with who also know my parents don’t believe me. They think I’m exaggerating, things weren’t so bad, I’m oversensitive or I’m the problem with the relationship. I need to forgive & forget, just let it go- it’s in the past.

When this type of situation happens, it hurts & frustrates you badly. I have had moments where I wondered if the other person was right- was I really the problem? Were things as bad as I thought they were? These people were so adamant about what they believed, maybe they had a point, I thought. It took praying & remembering the horrible events of my past to realize that no, they weren’t right. I was not the problem, & I really was abused.

When evidence of your narcissistic mother’s grooming appears, you will know it immediately, as you will be invalidated & blamed while she is praised. Unfortunately, this will happen at some point. Who does it may surprise you, too. It won’t be only those friends & relatives of your narcissistic mother, but those who aren’t particularly close to her. Those you would think would be more objective. In my case, I have had two people who my mother hates & who hate her rush to my mother’s defense. One told me I was the one who needed to fix the relationship, & the other trivialized what I have been through, telling me I needed to get over it (never admitting “it” was abuse). Imagine my surprise when these two treated me this way!

You need to be very careful who you discuss your situation with. Even then though, sometimes this type of thing may happen anyway. When it does, all you can do is deal with the hurt & anger you feel & cling to the truth. Also, refuse to discuss this topic with that person again, even if they are the ones who bring it up.

Know that this may damage your relationship irreparably with that person. In my case, the love I had once felt for the two people I mentioned above died abruptly. Not that I wish them harm, of course. I just suddenly no longer felt warmly towards them. I’m quite sure that they feel the same towards me as well. One stopped speaking to me for several months after our discussion & was very cold the few times we’ve spoken since. The other became critical of anything & everything about me since. It’s amazing how devoted people can be to narcissists, even when they despise them!

If you have C-PTSD like I do, this can be an especially painful & frustrating experience. It triggers all kinds of awful feelings that you really don’t want to feel. Personally, I felt like I did as a teenager going through the worst of my mother’s abuse- alone, hopeless & like no one cared. It is vital to be especially good to yourself during times like this.

Recently I had a very strange dream. When God showed me what it meant, I knew I had to share it’s meaning with you.

God showed me the dream meant a few things.

For one thing, my mother uses the things I love & am passionate about to hurt me. She wants to destroy my identity. If she destroys who I am, she can make me into what she wants me to be. Chances are, your narcissistic mother does exactly the same thing. Does she viciously criticize or trivialize those people or things you love the most? If she can make you turn against those things, she has destroyed a part of you. Don’t let her do that! God gave everyone passions for a reason. They are your purpose in life. Your narcissistic mother has no right to steal them from you!

Another aspect of the dream showed me the answer to a question I’ve had for many years. During her worst narcissistic rages, my mother’s eyes would turn black. It used to terrify me, because I never know what was coming next, but I knew it wasn’t going to be good. (The night my mother threw me into a wall, her eyes turned black just before she did it.) Several other adult children of narcissistic parents have told me they experienced the same thing. Anyway, the dream showed me that the reason this happens is because she has reached the point where she can no longer conceal her hatred for me. That is why the following narcissistic rages are so vicious. Thankfully I haven’t seen her eyes turn black in years, but I now know if they change color, it’s time to leave, & leave quickly!

Lastly, the dream gave me a valuable reminder. When dealing with your narcissistic mother, always remain calm, & share no signs of your emotions with her. Sharing any signs of emotions will trigger a reaction from her. Anger or hurt feeds a narcissist- she will continue to do whatever it is that is angering or hurting you until she destroys you completely if she can. Joy isn’t good either, because she will destroy that happiness you feel. (She may say things like, “What do you have to be so happy about anyway?”) She wants you to be as miserable, hurting, angry & empty inside as she feels, & will stop at nothing to make that happen.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother, you believe that you are the problem in the toxic relationship. She blames you for everything & takes no responsibility for anything she has done to you. On the off chance she admits to doing something bad to you, she blames you for making her do it.

As an adult, you are told, by her or others, that you are the one who needs to make amends with her, find a way to get along with her, or even that you have “a victim mentality,” which only further embeds the belief in you that the problems with your mother are all your fault. (Isn’t it interesting how no one tells your narcissistic mother she needs to behave herself, work things out with you or that she is abusive?)

I would like to challenge you today to look at this situation differently. As a child, your mother was the adult. This means she was supposedly the more mature & wiser of the two of you. She should have known better than to treat you so poorly. Also, she knew then & still knows that her actions are wrong, otherwise she would behave the same way in public as she does in private.

Keeping those things in mind, please answer this for me- how is it your responsibility to improve the relationship with your mother? In fact, how is it even possible to improve a relationship with a narcissist? And, how is it your fault that your mother has abused you?

I know it is painful when people so thoughtlessly tell you to fix things with your mother instead of offering support & understanding. I’ve been in that position more times than I can count. So when they say something like this, I want you to remember that you aren’t the problem in the relationship, your mother is. Any person who can abuse her own child for that child’s entire life is the problem. Any person who constantly puts her own needs & wants, no matter how trivial, above the welfare of others but especially her own child is the problem. Any person who chooses to treat others as if they aren’t allowed to have their own feelings, needs, opinions, wants is the problem. Any person who refuses to accept responsibility for her hurtful actions & blames others for them is the problem.

Dear Reader, just try to remember these things when someone insensitively tells you that you are the problem or that you need to work things out with your mother. You are not the problem- she is!

Since many of my readers also have narcissistic mothers & I’m sure dread this day, I thought I’d take a moment to wish all of you a peaceful day. May God bless you & comfort you today. I understand exactly how hard this day is, especially if you find you must deal with your narcissistic mother, so I hope you will find ways to be good to yourself today. Do something special just for you to brighten your day.

I’m praying for you today. Admittedly I pray for my readers often but figured today some extra prayer was called for. Sending everyone hugs!! xoxo

A pretty common phenomenon I’ve noticed about adult children of narcissistic parents is this belief of others that we are always supposed to allow other people to mistreat or even abuse us without complaint. Also, if something is wrong in a relationship, it’s supposed to be our job to fix everything while the other person does nothing.

My mother in-law treated me like dirt for the first eight years of my husband’s & my relationship, until I finally severed ties with her. My husband told me constantly that I “needed to understand her better,” I should “be the bigger person & let things go.” He didn’t believe me when I told him what she had done, or (worst of all) blamed me for her abuse.

My ex husband & I lived with his parents for about a year. During that time, he & I had a big fight on our third wedding anniversary. I left the house to cool off for a while. When I came back, his mother jumped me, blaming me for the fight (which he started, not that she knew this), for making him angry & for him punching a wall in his anger. She told me I needed to talk to him & smooth things over.

During a very bad time in my marriage, I talked to a good friend of mine about something extremely painful my husband had done. He tried to make excuses for my husband’s behavior & suggested things I can do to help fix our marriage rather than comfort me or help me.

Do scenarios like this sound familiar to you as well?

If they do, I want to tell you today that it’s not your job, nor your purpose in life, to be used or to do all of the work in your relationships! Relationships are NOT one sided, at least healthy ones are not. A healthy relationship has two people working together. Relationships where only one person does all of the work are extremely dysfunctional & miserable.

It also is not your place to tolerate abuse or make excuses for the abuser! No one deserves abuse- NO ONE! There is no excuse to abuse, there is nothing you can do to make someone abuse you & abusive people are sick. None of this has anything to do with you.

I believe this warped behavior happens because of being raised by narcissistic parents. You’re raised to be nothing more than a tool to be used as needed, much like say, a screwdriver. You’re kept in a drawer until needed, pulled out, used, then put away until the next time you can serve some purpose. While you’re “in that drawer,” you need to be completely invisible- you have to stay out of the narcissist’s way! Don’t “bother” her with your trivial needs. Hers are so very much more important than yours, after all. As a result, you grow up continuing to act as if other people’s needs are more important, yours mean nothing, & being a people pleaser. People naturally read other people, & abusers in particular are extremely good at it. Abusers look for people like this to abuse, since they’re easy targets who won’t complain about how they’re treated. Then there are other people don’t deliberately seek out people they can abuse. Instead, they see you believe you are: invisible, you deserve to be treated poorly, etc. & they treat you that way.

To help fix this problem in your life, work on your healing. You will learn to spot the abusers quickly, & avoid them. You’ll develop & enforce stronger boundaries. Your self-esteem will improve, making you less willing to tolerate nonsense, including being the only one to work on your relationships. You also need to really grasp the fact that you are NOT what your narcissistic mother says you are. You are someone with great worth & value. God loves you, no matter if your parents don’t. If you have trouble believing that, ask Him to show you how much He loves you. Read the Bible- there are countless times in it where God states His love for you!

Mother’s Day is fast approaching. It is possibly the least favorite day of the year for children of narcissistic parents. It’s so hard to find just the right card- something nice, but not too nice as you can’t stand giving her a card thanking her for always being there for you, for her unfailing love, etc. Then there is the gift- should you get her something? If so, what? Chances are she won’t like what you give her anyway, so is a gift even worth it? And, we can’t forget the messages everywhere- on facebook, in stores, online- that say “Don’t forget your mother this Mother’s Day!” (as if we could forget her?!), “She’s always been there for you- give her *fill in the blank* for Mother’s Day!” & other such messages about how great Mom really is. There are also friends & family who tell you that you should do something nice for your mother on Mother’s Day. After all, if it weren’t for her, you wouldn’t be here! She did the best she could! She’s your MOTHER!!! Can’t you just give her this one day?!

Mother’s day pretty much sucks for us who have narcissistic mothers.

If you too are dreading tomorrow, just know that you’re not alone! Many others share your feelings of this disturbing day.

I would like to encourage you to take care of yourself as best you can. Do what you feel you need to regarding your mother. Give her a simple card &/or gift, or do nothing for her- whatever you feel in your heart is the right thing to do. If you aren’t sure, pray. God will guide you as to what is the best way to handle this. Once you have done what you need to do for your mother, then let go of thinking about the day & take care of yourself. If you have children, celebrate with them. If not, enjoy your day however you see fit- go to a spa, buy the new book you’ve been wanting, spend the day at a museum. Do something that you enjoy & that doesn’t involve anything to do with your narcissistic mother.

This may sound disrespectful to you, especially if you are new to learning about narcissism, but rest assured, it’s not. Remember, people reap what they sow. Reaping & sowing a law of the universe- if you plant cantaloupe seeds, you get a harvest of cantaloupe, right? It’s the same thing with behavior. If you kick a dog every time every time he comes near you, he learns to run the other way when he sees you coming. Adult children of narcissistic parents eventually behave much like that kicked dog- we eventually don’t want to spend time with our parents & will go to great lengths to avoid it. It’s often not even a deliberate decision- it just seems to happen because we’re tired of the cruelty. That is your narcissistic mother reaping what she has sown.

So I encourage you- enjoy Mother’s Day your way, guilt-free! What can you do to make it a good day for you?

As I mentioned in this post, recently, my parents came by for a visit. I thought it went very well- I set boundaries & didn’t let my mother get away with her usual nasty games. It went so well in fact, that I knew my mother was extremely angry with me. So angry, she didn’t even call me on my birthday last Tuesday for the first time ever.

The following day though, she called. It was a very hurtful conversation, & I didn’t handle it very well. During the visit & seemed to have the right answers for every situation. During the call though? I had nothing. I wasn’t feeling well at all & was tired, plus her call caught me by surprise. I shouldn’t have answered the phone, but did anyway, against my better judgment, & ended up very hurt & angry.

I was beating myself up about this situation. Here I’ve been telling other adult children of narcissistic parents to be strong & how to do it, yet I failed miserably at following my own advice. Talk about feeling like a hypocrite! Not a nice feeling.

I realized some things from this experience though.

We all make mistakes. My mistake was picking up the phone & ignoring my instincts that told me to let it ring. Instead of beating myself up for making a mistake, now I’m looking at it as a reminder to listen to my instincts every single time.

I also learned to be mentally prepared for her calls. Always, without fail ever, it’s best to remember to pray before answering her calls, asking God for strength, courage, the right words to say & whatever I need to successfully deal with her. That is exactly what I prayed before my last visit with my parents, & God certainly didn’t disappoint me! He never has when I’ve prayed those things. In fact, I may start praying for them daily just in case she calls when I’m not expecting it so I can be prepared.

Also, I’ve been beating myself up for being so hurt by my mother’s usual nastiness. She made sure I knew she wasn’t listening to or cared about anything I had to say, as she so often does. Being in a weakened state, it hurt more than usual, & it usually hurts pretty bad. When telling a very good friend about this, she reminded me that all children, no matter what age, want their mother’s love. It’s normal. Even though logically I know my mother hates me & won’t change either that fact or the way she treats me, on some level, I wish things were different. That is normal. Thanks to my friend, I was reminded that it’s not right to beat yourself up for wishing things were different or being hurt by your narcissistic mother.

Lastly, I took a very bold step to take care of myself too. I blocked my parents’ phone number on my phone. Not permanently, but for a few days until I feel better & stronger, more able to deal with her if I need to. This way, I have guaranteed myself some peace for a while. I’ve never done this before, but I think it’s a good move. I won’t have the usual debate I have inside when the phone rings & I see their number on the caller ID- Can I handle them right now? Can I deal with the fallout later by not answering this call? There’s no debate because I don’t see their number.

I hope what I learned will help you, Dear Reader. Don’t beat yourself up for making mistakes regarding your narcissistic mother. No one is perfect! Don’t wallow in those weak moments, but instead look at them as learning experiences. Stop judging & criticising yourself, & instead just glean knowledge from those moments & go on.

In my lifetime, I’ve known many narcissists. One thing they all share in common is that they change their tactics as they get older.

When I was growing up, my mother was the bold, it’s my way or the highway kind of overt narcissist. She would do anything she wanted to accomplish whatever her goal was, not caring how abusive it was, so long as there were no witnesses. Now that she is in her mid 70’s, she has become much craftier. Gone are the days when she would wait until we were alone, then scream in my face, calling me horrible names & accusing me of terrible behaviors. Now, her abuse is much more subtle. In fact, unless you’re familiar with narcissism, you wouldn’t even know she was being abusive. And, she likes witnesses. If my mother & I are in public, often with my father, I can count on her attacking me viciously & quietly. Barely audibly, she will insult my car, pets, writing or anyone or anything that means something to me. I have no doubt she is trying to provoke me into yelling at her, so others will see what a terrible daughter I am to my sweet, elderly mother.

My father, the covert narcissist, has always been subtle. When I was growing up, he feigned ignorance & inability to help me regarding my mother’s abuse, making him sound more like her victim than I was. I often reassured him instead of him reassuring or protecting me. Occasionally he still tries this tactic but it’s rather rare. Instead, he complains to me about his bad marriage (something he’s always done) & tries to stir up problems between my mother & I. He also now enjoys challenging my boundaries & using guilt trips/criticisms disguised as jokes then telling me not to be upset when I confront him. “Now now, don’t you go getting upset..I was just teasing” has become possibly my least favorite phrase in the English language.

The worst case of a narcissist changing their tactics I’ve heard of though is from a friend of mine. Her mother was an overt narcissist & her father covert. Her mother was incredibly violent & vicious to her children. Her father wasn’t home much due to his job, so he didn’t see a lot. He claimed that he didn’t know just how bad she treated the children (I guess he missed the bruises & broken bones?) & that he couldn’t stop her.

Shortly after her mother died, her father married another woman, who was much like my friend’s mother. This woman didn’t want him to see his now adult children, & he told them there was nothing he could do about it.

Once she died, he expected his children to take care of him. They do everything for him from making his bed to cleaning his house to paying most of his bills. My friend’s father demands this & will go to great lengths to be sure his children do these things & more for him. Once a covert narcissist, he became a very overt one.

Dear Reader, you need to be aware of these things, because your narcissistic parents will change too. You need to be able to adapt your behaviors to fit in with theirs if you plan to continue having a relationship with them.

Some things are a given when dealing with any narcissist- you need to have & enforce good boundaries & show them no emotions, for example. Other things however, you may need to change, such as if your narcissistic mother tries to stir you up in a public place like mine does, avoid public places with her as much as possible. If your father suddenly likes to portray himself as a helpless old man when you know he isn’t, you will need to let him do what he can on his own.

If you are unable or unwilling to go no contact with your narcissistic parents, you are going to have to learn to be very firm in some areas, while very flexible in others. Always be firm with your boundaries, staying emotionless in their presence, providing them minimal information on your life & limiting your time with them. But, be flexible enough to know when things are changing & your old ways to deal with them aren’t working anymore or you need to find new ways to deal. Get creative- ask God to help you in that area if you aren’t sure what to do. Remember Matthew 10:16 “Stay alert. This is hazardous work I’m assigning you. You’re going to be like sheep running through a wolf pack, so don’t call attention to yourselves. Be as cunning as a snake, inoffensive as a dove.” (MSG)

As difficult as it may sound, you truly can handle this. God never gives you more than you can handle, although it may feel that way sometimes. Follow His guidance, common sense, your intuition & remember what you know about narcissists, & you will be just fine. Remember my post about my last visit with my parents? If not, please read it now. It is proof that God cares & helps us even with our narcissistic parents. If He helped me become the much stronger, capable person I’ve become, He certainly will help you as well.

Last week, my father called, asking if he could come by soon. We arranged it for this past Tuesday, around 12-1 p.m. When he was a bit late, I just chalked it up to the traffic jam outside my home, but soon found out why- my mother was with him, & she is always late (a control tactic). She invited herself to my home! I was caught off-guard since I hadn’t expected this but I prayed quickly before letting them in, & God didn’t disappoint! He helped me tremendously to get through the very difficult visit, as He always does.

My mother was obviously angry with me from the start. Why I’m not sure. Maybe because I didn’t invite her over (truthfully, I didn’t invite my father either but at least he asked before coming over). Maybe because she was whining about her back pain & I showed her no concern (for anyone who doesn’t know, at 19, my mother threw me into a wall so hard, I had pain for 10 years & had to quit working. Not only did she never assume responsibility for hurting me, she told everyone I was faking the injury to get out of working because I was so lazy. This is why I feel no sympathy for her pain. You reap what you sow!). Maybe she was mad because as soon as she got here, she asked if I’d gotten an email from her cousin about printing something out for her & I told her I did get it & I told her cousin to print it out herself since I’m not anyone’s secretary.

In any case, my mother was angry with me, & when she’s angry she does the normal narcissist behavior- treat me like crap & try to hurt me at every opportunity. Thanks to God helping me, I was able not only to catch onto what she did every time, but also refuse to play along. I was able to stay totally calm, which is important- showing your hurt or anger only fuels the narcissist, making her want to hurt you more & more. I also was able to set & enforce firm boundaries with her that she respected, albeit grudgingly.

The visit was a great success, considering the circumstances! Although I still ended up angry & hurt when my parents left, it wasn’t nearly as painful as it has been before. It’s taken a long time, but I finally am able to set & enforce healthy boundaries & stand up to my mother rather than tolerate her abuse silently.

My point of telling you this story, Dear Reader, is to encourage you. A good friend of mine suggested I share it to encourage you. If you are in a relationship with your narcissistic parents & unable or unwilling to go no contact, you still can deal with them if you don’t give up! Keep praying- ask God to give you whatever you need such as strength, courage, wisdom & even words to say or boundaries to set. He truly will answer that prayer!

If you have any doubts about anything she says or what you feel, ask God to tell you the truth immediately.

Also, learn as much as you can about narcissism so you are prepared for the gaslighting & other horrible behaviors. This will help you to remember that she is the problem, not you as well as to cope with those behaviors.

Talk to supportive friends. Let them encourage you!

Be calm around your narcissistic parent at all times to avoid fueling their nasty fire.

Always be consistent. If you set a boundary, stick to it. Any flexibility will be taken as a sign of weakness & she will bust through that boundary & any others as soon as she sees fit.

As you gain more experience with dealing with your narcissistic parents in a healthy way, it will become so much easier. I never thought that I would be able to tell my mother to knock off insulting my pets & have her actually listen to me! I’ve told her that before & she ignored me totally. Even when I told her either be nice to them or I’ll kick her out of my home, it still wasn’t as effective- she simply avoided my home. But Tuesday, she backed off immediately. She is finally learning that I not only am serious that I will protect my furkids no matter what, but also that I mean business with my boundaries.

You too can be strong! Don’t give up! Keep practicing the above mentioned tips, & you will be pleasantly surprised how much stronger you are. And, chances are your narcissistic mother will improve her behaviors some like mine has.

Aging narcissistic parents are a very disturbing group of people. While most people mellow out as they age, narcissists often get more vicious. Not easy to deal with for their adult children!

As I write this, I’m waiting for my husband to come home. He’s at the hospital visiting his mother who was admitted today.

Out of respect for his privacy, I won’t go into much detail, so please bear with me a bit. Both my mother in-law & father in-law are narcissistic, her covert & him overt. As they are getting older & their health is failing them, they are making more demands on my husband. Also, he is facing the truth about them & how he’s been abused by them for the first time. It’s not an easy time for him. I’m very concerned how this situation is going to play out for him, & how he is going to deal with his own feelings.

I’m also a bit nervous about how I’m going to deal with my own feelings as well. You see, there were countless times I considered divorcing him earlier in our marriage because of the abuse his mother put me through & his failure to acknowledge it at the time. Honestly, sometimes I still get angry when I remember those dark days.

I’m sure there are others in similar situations, as many of us with narcissistic parents marry someone who also has at least one narcissistic parent. I’m writing about this to share what God has been showing me about how to cope.

Pray. About what? Whatever comes to mind regarding the situation. Personally, I’ve been praying for my mother in-law’s salvation (I’m unsure if she’s a Christian- I don’t believe she is), asking God to give my husband strength, wisdom & anything else he needs right now, & asking God to help me release my old anger at him. Prayers like this can truly help you as well as the recipients of your prayers! I admit, it isn’t easy to pray for my mother in-law, so sometimes I ask close friends to pray for her. It helps me know she’s getting prayer, plus I don’t have to do it at that time- I can do it later when I feel able to do so.

Distractions. I’m hoping to distract hubby when he gets home with a funny video that we love. We’re big fans of the old TV show, “Mystery Science Theater 3000” with its fun, warped humor, & since it always makes us laugh, I think watching an old episode could do us both some good. After all, it’s unhealthy to focus on the more serious issues in life 24/7. The brain needs a break sometimes!

Nice gestures. A little sweet, thoughtful gesture can go a long way when someone is going through hard times. Hubby will be greeted with raspberry herbal tea (we both love it) when he gets home. I’ll come up with other gestures once I gauge the kind of mood he’s in. Sometimes, he isn’t in the mood for interaction- he just wants to be left alone.

Listening. Before I start the movie, I’ll see if he wants to talk. Often when his mother is in the hospital, he comes home very frazzled. The hospital staff at this particular hospital isn’t the best (as I learned when my father was there last December), his parents are demanding & his sisters want constant updates until they come into town. It can be a lot for him to deal with.

One of my readers made an interesting point. She read my post about The Silent Treatmentthat I wrote a couple of days ago, & mentioned how she gives her mother what she calls the silent treatment. Hers is a bit different than her narcissistic mother’s silent treatment- she doesn’t try to punish her narcissistic mother with it (as narcissists do). Instead she only speaks to her mother on her terms (when she is able to talk with her), & is very careful with the limited information she shares. This is also what Dr. Karyl McBride, author of “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” calls the civil connection.

I’ve done this with my mother & mother in-law. Both are narcissists, my mother being the overt type, mother in-law the covert. Both have responded very differently to it. My mother used to get very frustrated, but it didn’t take her long to get to the point where she gives up quickly on me. I’m more stubborn than her, & she knows that, so I assume she realizes there’s no point in trying to get something “juicy” from me once I’ve made up my mind not to give anything up. My mother in-law, however, was a different story. She would become visibly flustered, & try any tactic she could to force me to talk. It became just plain funny to me after a while! Watching her get angrier & angrier, yet unable to say or do anything about it for fear of looking bad, became very entertaining to me.

Have you tried this with your narcissistic mother? If not, you have to try it!! If nothing else, it’ll amuse you!

Chances are, your narcissistic mother will start to push for more information from you when you give her such curt responses. She will hint around, trying to get you to talk, as she won’t ask outright for fear of looking unreasonable, bad, or whatever. Refuse to respond! Ignore the hints. I’m telling you, it will fluster her, & if you’re lucky, she’ll give up trying to get news from you.

Once, I had a doctor’s appointment on a day when my mother in-law thought I should do something for her (which is amazing in itself- she’s hated me from the day we met, so why would she think I would be willing to help her in any way?!). I told her I couldn’t do it- I had a doctor’s appointment that afternoon. I should have said “prior obligation” instead of admitting what I was doing, but it slipped out. It turned out to be hilarious for me though! She said things like, “Well, if you’re seeing the doctor, it must be serious. I understand why you can’t do this for me…” (I simply said “Thanks” in response), “If you can’t reschedule it, that isn’t a good sign. I’m so worried about you!” (yea, right! She didn’t care- she just wanted information, so I simply told her I was fine.), “Why are you seeing the doctor?” (the only direct question she asked, & I ignored her question, as I was listening to my husband & his father talk- I pretended I didn’t hear her over them), or “I guess you can’t do this for me since you HAVE to see the doctor on that day & no other…I don’t understand why it has to be THAT day..” (to which I responded with, “Nope, I can’t do it.”) By the time my husband & I left her home shortly after, I was surprised her head didn’t explode! I barely made it to the car before I started laughing!

If you haven’t tried this type of interaction with your narcissistic mother, please consider doing so! Not only will it entertain you, it will give her less opportunities to hurt you. You will speak to her only as you are able to do so, & by limiting your conversation as well as your exposure to her, you will give her less to criticize about you. It really will make your interactions with her much easier for you! Also, it’s not disrespectful, so if you are concerned about not honoring your mother, as many Christian daughters of narcissistic mothers are, please don’t worry!

I was recently reading a very good email from Dr. Karyl McBride, author of “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” It’s an incredibly good book for adult daughters of narcissistic mothers.

Anyway, her email was discussing the new book she has coming out soon. She included an exercise in the email for helping you to get to know who you really are. She called it “An inner selfie”. Collect pictures from magazines or from the internet that represent some aspect of yourself.

I’ve done something similar this & it really does help you to get to know & inspire yourself. I have several folders of pictures on my tablet full of pictures that speak to me in some way. I have a folder of pictures that are uniquely feminine- flowers, beautiful women that I would like to model myself after, & other images. There are several folders of various pictures that help me to feel good- one has images of Ireland, another a cabin deep in the woods in a blizzard, another has pictures of the beautiful interiors of luxurious trains, still another contains pictures of Claude Monet’s paintings, another a couple of cute vintage & beautifully restored campers. I also have a folder full of pictures of inspirational quotes & another full of informative & validating quotes about mental health.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother, as you know if you too have one, means you grow up not knowing who you are. You’re simply whatever your mother wants you to be, not the person God made you to be. It’s the same way if you were romantically involved with a narcissist. Today, why don’t you make a decision to learn who you are? Start by collecting pictures that you’re attracted to. Each one will reveal a little bit about who you really are inside, & help you to get to know yourself. You may even learn that you like who you are. 🙂

The last few weeks, I’ve been feeling led to focus on helping those with narcissistic mothers who are either unable or unwilling to go no contact with them. There are many in this position, & there is very little information out there for these people. I hope this post will encourage you!

My mother called last night, & hubby & I are going to lunch tomorrow with my folks (my father’s birthday is Monday, hubby is off tomorrow, so I thought this could work). Unfortunately, I learned quickly during the call that my mother’s niceness has ended for now. She was very nasty during the conversation last night, talking quite a bit about how hard it was for her doing so much all by herself for her mother when she was alive. A guilt trip, I suppose, for not doing enough. Not nice considering I was her mother’s primary caregiver for a year… the hardest year of my life, by the way, since she was a very malignant narcissist & just a hateful, heartless human being. And, my mother mentioning this was not surprising, since she has said these exact same things many times over the years, even while her mother was still alive & I was helping her. *sigh*

While this turn of events is disappointing, it’s certainly not unexpected. While some of my readers seemed to think I believed my mother was going to maintain her much nicer demeanor indefinitely, that was never the case. I’m hardly that naive. My mother only can be nice to me for brief periods of time, like many narcissistic mothers, & I am well aware of that fact. I accept that about my mother, because, well, let’s face it- she has no desire to change that about herself. It’s either accept it or try to change her. I’ll accept it, rather than overstep my bounds by trying to make her into something she is not.

While accepting that fact about my mother, that doesn’t mean I accept her abuse however. I’ve learned how to handle this relationship with my mother, how to maintain a civil contact with her.

When my mother is in one of her pleasant moods, I enjoy it. I never know how long it will last, so I don’t think about that. I just enjoy it, whether that mood lasts for a day or a month. I also remember that this change isn’t permanent, & she can go back to full narcissistic mode at any moment. That keeps my expectations realistic (well, low), so I am not disappointed when she changes.

When the narcissistic mode kicks back in, I keep a distance from my mother. I answer her calls less frequently, & spend less time with her.

I’ve noticed her narcissistic mode lasts less time doing this. She is now nicer, or at least civil, more often than not. While I certainly can’t say my relationship with my mother is perfect by any means, it is way better than I ever thought it could be. We have pleasant conversations pretty often now, & I don’t cringe every time the phone rings. I’m also able to relax some during the good times where I wasn’t able to before. I now know they may not last long, so I just live in the moment, enjoying them as they come up. When they stop, I knew it was going to happen, so I am not surprised or disappointed. That is when I keep my distance, & wait for the nice mode to start again.

I believe these changes have happened for a couple of reasons. First, God. I prayed a lot recently as I’ve mentioned before, because I was so close to going no contact with my mother. He told me that decision was up to me. I asked Him to help me be able to stay in this very difficult relationship, at least for now. I assumed that meant He would give me strength & courage as I needed it, but it’s been so much more than I could’ve expected. I am now able to hear my mother’s nasty, cruel words, & not feel devastated. Hurt sometimes, sure, but I am more able to see them as a result of her issues, rather than taking them personally. That helps to take much of the sting out of her words. I also am now able to say “no” & defend myself where that was once very difficult for me to do sometimes. I also, for once, haven’t trouble speaking my mind to my mother. Granted, I don’t do it all the time, but sometimes, it’s just not worth it. Sometimes the topic is trivial & we simply have different opinions- so what? That just means we’re different people. Other times, if I need to speak up to her about how she treats me, I can tell she is going to ignore me, so there just isn’t a point in frustrating myself by speaking up.

God also has enabled me to be much stronger with setting & forcing very strict boundaries with my mother. She has no choice but to go along with them now, whereas I used to have very weak boundaries, if any. Does she like this? No, but I really don’t care. They are reasonable, & I am taking care of myself. I think by doing this, I have gained a slight amount of respect from my mother for the first time ever. Narcissists are bullies, & one thing I’ve learned about bullies is that they respect someone who has the guts to stand up to them. They may not like that person, but they respect her!

I’ve also gotten a real revelation on something else- my mother can’t hurt me anymore! When I was a kid, she threatened me with military or catholic school or to have me locked up in a psyche ward, she screamed in my face, calling me filthy names, she was also strong enough to throw me into a wall so hard when I was 19, my back was injured to the point I had to quit working a few months later. Even in my early 20’s, my mother once threatened to contact my landlord because I had more cats than the lease allowed, all because I disagreed with her about something. Those times are gone now. We’re both much older, & now I’m the physically stronger one. I also don’t need to sit there while anyone screams at me- I can walk out & never come back if I’m so inclined. She also can’t have me taken away or contact my landlord because I am now a home owner. The only weapon my mother has left are her words, & frankly, that weapon is rather lame. She called me so many terrible names & said so many terrible things about me when I was growing up, while her current tactics may hurt me, they really don’t hurt me all that badly. After all, I’ve been through worse! The comic Chris Titus once talked about how critical his father was when he was growing up, & said something like, “Thanks to him, I’m like an insult Navy Seal!” That is how I feel about my mother. My mother accused me of terrible things like doing drugs & having sex with the entire high school football team when I was a teenager (neither of which I did) & called me awful names. After surviving that, what else is there?! What else can she say? Nothing! And, I’ve also realized that my mother needs me much more than I need her. I have my own home & life now- I need nothing from my mother. She has no hold over me.

These things have been very freeing to me, & very helpful in dealing with my narcissistic mother. I pray they will help you to find ways to deal with yours as well.

So, I took my father to the doctor. All went well & fast too. We were in the car, ready to go home before I knew it. Then he told me not to start his car. Uh oh.. well, long story short, he told me what an amazing woman I am. Wow!! I cried. It was very sweet.

Dealing with my mother was another story. I banged my knee on her car & she couldn’t have cared less. Although not surprising, it still hurt. She didn’t listen to a word I said all day either. Again, not surprising but it hurt.

Later, my parents’ skittish cat suddenly decided to trust me. After 5 years. It was awesome!!!! I love cats, & have always loved winning over feral ones or ones with trust issues. It’s so rewarding.

Amazing the huge ups & downs in a relationship with a narcissistic mother. Yet, I’m still glad I didn’t go no contact. A lot of very positive things are happening, amongst the bad.

I’m not preaching against no contact here by any means. I know it’s the only solution in many situations. I’m only sharing my experiences because I know many of you who read my work either are unable or unwilling to cut ties with your narcissistic mother. I want you to know I understand, & I hope my experiences can help you. ❤

I just thought I’d let you know that I am making some changes to my website. I’m finally stepping out of the stone ages & no longer using Microsoft Frontpage to make my site (please stop laughing, computer people.. I’m just not good with site creation! lol). As I was working on it today, I thought that it would be a good idea not simply to change the appearance of my site a little, but to ask you, Dear Readers, if there is any other information you’d like me to include on my website. I have quite a bit on there now about narcissistic & abusive mothers, mental health, Christian living & animals (you gotta get off the heavy topics sometimes!), but is there anything else you’d like me to include on my site? Or, any area I mentioned above that you’d like me to expand on?

I welcome your feedback! You can either leave a comment on this post or you can email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com

Apparently the hospital where my father is staying is confused. Great thing for a hospital, no? *sigh*

They want to do a small procedure on my father to repair the compression fracture in his spine, & now that the nasty meds are out of his system, he agrees to get it done. It was supposed to be done Thursday & he was going to come home last night. Then no, he wasn’t coming home last night, but today after the procedure. Just a little while ago a nurse told him it’ll be done Thursday& he can come home then. *pulling out hair* I really wish someone would get their act together..

On the good side however, he feels great. Pain is well controlled with much milder meds. He’s in good spirits too.

Aside from the frustration with the hospital, it hasn’t been a good day for me because my mother really hurt me this morning. I think I’m as hurt as I am because I’m overly tired & this past week has been an emotional roller coaster. Plus, as I mentioned in my last post, she’d been pleasant & nice to me.

This morning when we spoke on the phone, she asked if my back was bothering me at all today. Odd question for her, what with her showing some concern. I should’ve expected it was a setup. Unfortunately I didn’t. I said it’s been kinda bothering me all week (I feel stress in my back very easily). She said, “You just wait until you have back problems for 18 years!” What the..?!?! I couldn’t help it & started crying. Thankfully, the narcissism was in full force & she had no idea. I really wouldn’t have wanted to explain why I was hurt, as she would’ve only invalidated me further.

I guess the niceness is done now. Kinda sucks- the last few days were very pleasant when I had to deal with her. Not like I didn’t see it coming though. It’s just very disappointing. The good times are always very good, & I think that’s why it always hurts as bad as it does when they end. Plus, it sure would be nice to have a normal, non-narcissistic mother.

So, I decided to get in some well needed self-care today. I was thinking of staying home since I am about dying for some introvert time, just hanging out with the furkids. But, instead I’m heading out to lunch with a dear friend. The laughs will do us both some good.

I realize I’m very blessed with wonderful fans, so I’m hoping you will pray for me. I really need the prayer right now. I’ve been in survival mode all week, just getting through each crisis as it arose, & now that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I am not only exhuasted beyond belief, but overly emotional. Thank you for the prayers! I love you & am praying for you too! xoxo

This past week since my father has been in the hospital has been interesting to say the least.

On a positive note, he seems to be doing quite a bit better. He’s still in pain with the compression fracture in his spine, but at least he’s not screaming in pain anymore. They’ve also cut way back on his pain meds, & I think have eliminated the morphine. Thank God- he reacted terribly to it! He’s been hallucinating & acting very bizarre. Yesterday he was much more coherent though, so I hope this means it’s almost out of his system.

Things with my mother have been very interesting. Several times, she’s thanked me for all I’m doing to help out, said she doesn’t know what she’d do without me, & said she loves me.

Being the adult child of a narcissistic mother, i had the normal reaction to this. Hoping this meant changes were coming to our relationship. I quickly realized this isn’t wise- this is setting myself up for disappointment. Maybe some narcissists change, but I have never seen it. My mother is a malignant narcissist, so the chances of her changing for the better & permanently are slim to none.

I had to learn how to handle moments like this very quickly when a similar situation happened last year. I thought I would share what I have learned with you so hopefully you will be helped when this type of situation arises with your narcissistic mother.

I have learned everything I can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I learned that narcissists approve of you when you are doing what they want or need you to do. If you say no, you are a horrible person, selfish, ungrateful, etc etc. according to them. I keep that in mind when my mother says these nice things to me when I’m helping her.

I also had to talk to myself. I had to tell myself it’s ok to enjoy this pleasant time with her, but it’s not ok to expect it to last. Chances are very good that as soon as my father is out of the hospital, she’ll be back to her old ways. I’ve had to remind myself of this a few times lately. This will help me not to be devastated when she gets mean with me again.

This situation hurts! It feels like everyone’s mother loves them- why doesn’t my mother love me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I unlovable? While it feels like these are valid questions, the truth is they aren’t. It’s her- something is wrong with her! It’s not you! Narcissism is a horrible thing. Something made these people turn so self-centered that they refuse to think of anyone else. To them, other people, including their own children, are simply tools to be used to meet their needs. No one else has real problems- only they do. No one else has feelings- only they do. This has nothing to do with you or some flaws in you. It truly is all their problem!

My mother called me under the guise of telling me about a Stephen King movie coming on TV tonight. I knew about it already, what with him being my favorite fictional author, as many of you know. Plus it’s a new one based on a story in his book “Full Dark, No Stars” which I really enjoyed.

Anyway she took this opportunity to remind me (as she has probably thousands of times before) that she doesn’t understand what is wrong with me- why do I like scary stories? She certainly doesn’t like them & has no idea where I got my taste in such things! And did I know she saw the movie “Psycho” at the drive in when it came out, & it terrified her? Have I ever seen it? Yes, & it’s among my favorite movies. “GASP!! I just don’t understand what’s wrong with you!”

Same speech, different day. As usual, it annoyed me.

I finally thought to ask God why did she feel the need to do this? More attempting to shame me for liking an author she doesn’t approve of (even though he’s been my favorite since I was 8 & read “Night Shift” for the first time)?? He showed me that the motivation is to spoil my fun in watching this movie. Often her comments are made to shame me, yes, but when she calls to let me know one of his movies is coming on TV soon, it’s to spoil my fun in the hopes that I’ll give up liking this “horrible” author’s works & start liking the more happy, light & fluffy authors she likes.

*sigh* Yea, that ain’t happening. lol

Suddenly I realized she’s done this wet blanket thing so many times, as has my narcissistic mother in-law. When I got my first car, a cute little Buick Skyhawk, my parents took me to the dealer. Since I only had my learner’s permit at the time, my mother rode home with me, & complained the entire way (about 10 miles). “This car is too small!” “There’s no leg room!” & other untrue & snarky comments. It spoiled my very first drive in my first car. When my husband & I first started dating, his mother suggested she & I go to lunch & shopping. I said fine, when? Her response? “You WILL be taking Eric’s car instead of yours, right?” I was surprised & said “No, I’ll be driving mine.” (she doesn’t drive). She said “Oh.” & changed the subject. This exact conversation happened a total of 3 times before she gave up since I wasn’t taking his car & insisted on taking my own. It also set the stage for 8 long years of nasty comments about how awful my Oldsmobile was, how expensive it was to maintain & how I should just junk it, all because it simply needs a paintjob..

There were many other similar incidents with both of them, but I’m sure you get the point.

Amazing isn’t it? Amazing how narcissists think they know best what you should like. And, they can’t accept the fact that you might like something they don’t or vice versa. They act like it’s a crime, or a direct attack on them if you are different than they are, or have an interest they don’t. And, by golly, you better straighten yourself up & only be interested in what THEY deem worthy!

It’s amazing to me that any human being can be so insecure that they will hurt, anger & try to mold another person into liking/not liking the things that they do. How is it a threat to them if you like something they don’t?! Who cares?! Everybody is different, it’s a simple fact of life, so why does this even affect a narcissist?!

They are simply that insecure.

While narcissists may appear overly self-confident, the truth is that behavior is to convince not only other people but also themselves that they are wonderful, special people, & not the lowly, unworthy person they really feel like they are deep down on the inside. So, if you don’t like something they do, then they take that as you don’t approve of them. On the opposite side of the same coin, if you like something they don’t, they also take that as you not approving of them or you thinking you are better than they are.

Narcissists simply can’t see this situation as 2 different people having different tastes.

Remind yourself of this next time the narcissist in your life insults you for not liking something she likes, or for liking something she doesn’t. As always, her behavior speaks volumes about her, not about you! ❤

As I mentioned, the last time I helped my parents out was a very difficult day. My narcissistic mother found a new way to degrade me that was so low, I don’t even want to discuss the details. She also knew I was in pain- while helping hubby use the log splitter the previous day, a good sized log landed on my left foot- yet she insisted I do at least 3 loads of laundry & make a couple of extra trips to & from their basement. Oh, & she also insisted on telling me all about the problems she has with her feet, interrupting me explaining what happened to my father.

Stupidly, I put up with it all too. Silently. I did set a boundary on the laundry as she wanted me to keep going, but for some reason, I tolerated the rest. I’ve been kicking myself since.

This is nothing but bullying behavior from my mother. It’s also nothing new to me. My mother has bullied me my entire life. A girl in junior high seemed to think it was her job to bully me from seventh through ninth grades. Another girl did the same briefly in seventh grade. Even my father in-law tried bullying me (like he has done to the rest of his family) occasionally during the first few years of my husband’s & my relationship. And, currently, someone who has been harassing me for the last year periodically uses bullying behavior as well.

Bullies don’t scare me at all, since I am so accustomed to them. I know they are nothing but immature cowards at heart who back down immediately once confronted. My mother is no exception. I’ve made her back down before when calling her out on her actions.

I also realized since that day at my parents’ home, I haven’t been myself at all. I’ve been withdrawn & depressed. My husband keeps asking what’s wrong, & I tell him I’m fine, refusing to show any emotions. I also tried to make him happy when he was in a foul mood yesterday rather than let him work it out on his own. Ridiculous! I know that my behavior is partly because I don’t want to hear his assessment of my situation, but there is more to it. I realized I have reverted back to my childish survival mechanisms.

Tolerating the bullying from my mother is what I knew to do as a child to avoid her anger, shaming me, disappointment, etc. It kept the peace. It’s also a reflex for me to do. I also know that showing any anger at her bullying will only feed her- the more hurt or anger I show my mother, the harder she tries to push every button I have, & the happier she is.

I also realized something else- I’ve been trying to make myself invisible (like I felt I was in childhood) by not bothering anyone with my feelings. WHY?! I asked God this because it makes no sense! Emotions are a part of everyone. God gave them to us, so how can they be bad? Immediately, He began to show me some things. I found it interesting because they reminded me of the dream I had recently where God showed me I need to move away from old ways of thinking. (see that post here: https://cynthiabaileyrug.wordpress.com/2014/10/02/another-interesting-dream-to-share/ )

When I was in the eighth grade, there was an after school dance coming up. All of my friends were asking boys to the dance. I was uncomfortable with the thought of it, but since they were doing it, I figured I should too. At the end of a school day, I asked a boy who it turned out had been asked by several other girls. I was embarrassed, & later my mother saw me crying. She demanded to know what was wrong, & I didn’t want to tell her. Finally after her continued pushing, I did tell her. She told me no man would ever want me because I was so pushy & this was no big deal, stop crying. She acted like I was bothering her with petty problems by sharing this with her. I had always known it’s best to keep my emotions controlled, but this cemented that belief in my mind. I rarely showed any emotions to my mother again except when her abuse was exceptionally bad.

As an adult, there have been a few episodes with my husband where he too has shamed me for feeling certain things. For example, when we first got together, I learned he liked pancakes. I don’t, so I had no idea how to make them. I learned, but frankly, I stunk at it. I would get frustrated sometimes when trying & slam a kitchen cabinet door or something. He then would come into the room, say something like “tsk tsk.. soooo much anger,” then walk away, shaking his head. Also, when I got mad at his mother for her constant verbal abuse, snooping through my purse, criticizing my pets & family, he would tell me I had to understand her better or “be the bigger person” & ignore it. Basically, these behaviors of his showed me that something was wrong with me for having the feelings I did, & I shouldn’t bother him with those petty things. After years of this kind of behavior, it cemented in my mind that I need to keep my emotions from him as well.

Can you relate??

No one needs to tolerate bullying, but especially from their own mother! How ridiculous is that?! What kind of sick woman tries to hurt & intimidate her own child? A narcissist, that’s who. “Honor thy mother & father” does NOT mean tolerating abuse in any way, shape or form. There is nothing good or holy about that. How does anyone benefit from being mistreated or mistreating others? However, it is loving to put an end to such behaviors & making the abuser face uncomfortable consequences for her actions. God’s kind of love wants what is best for others, & that sometimes means confrontation or setting & enforcing boundaries.

And, if you too have been made to feel ashamed of your emotions or like you need to be invisible too, I am so sorry for what you are feeling! I know how miserable this is! You do not need to hide your emotions another moment. You have every right to feel them & process them however you need to. They are a part of you, a part of what makes you the unique person you are! Granted, it’s unwise to share your emotions with just anyone (such as narcissists or even plain old judgmental people), but there is nothing wrong with sharing your feelings with safe people.

As for me, I’m angry right now about this, & odd as it may sound, I think it’s a good thing. As the Bible says, be angry yet do not sin, so I won’t allow it to make me behave foolishly. I will, however, allow my anger to give me courage the next time I help my parents out. I will not allow my mother to bully me anymore, & I will set & enforce some strict boundaries. I also will not allow her to mock or invalidate me again either. If it comes down to it, I will walk out of her house. There is really nothing she can do to hurt me anymore.

I just wanted to let you know I received my proof copy of my book today. It looks great but I’ll inspect it closer tonight. Barring any unforseen issues, I’ll approve it tomorrow, & it’ll be available not only on my website as it is now, but also on amazon, B&N, & other online book sellers within about a month.

Also, thank you everyone for the prayers. My father is now home from the hospital.

This was a very challenging book to write. God had His hand in it the whole time, which is the only reason I was able to write it. He kept showing me things that I needed to include. Some things I admit, I thought “You’re kidding right?” Then something would happen & I realized that yes, this needs to be in the book too. It was a fascinating experience for sure, but emotionally difficult, hence the break.

I plan to focus for a while on this blog as well as building up my forum. If you haven’t seen it yet, come by & check it out at:

At the forum, I have several different categories where you can post. Not only about narcissistic mothers & the damage they cause, but more positive categories too, such as pets, hobbies & the Christian life. After all, no one can focus on the abuse they endured or even their emotional healing 24/7. Everyone needs a break sometimes. I hope to see you there.

Also, I still would like to create a free ebook compiled of stories from those who have been through abuse, & have survived with God’s help. I only have a couple of stories so far. Would you considering writing yours? You can do so anonymously if you like- just use fake names. Your story can encourage others, no matter what you have been through, or where you are in your healing process. For more details, please check out the link below. I hope to hear from you soon! ❤

I was telling a dear friend of mine earlier about my mother’s horrible phone call last night. She said so many evil, hurtful things to me. The worst part of all was that I could tell she was smiling as she said those things. You know how someone sounds a little different when they smile as they speak? That is what I heard in her voice. The crueler her words, the bigger the smile was, too. It absolutely blew my mind. Although I don’t have children (well, human ones anyway- furkids only), I can’t imagine hurting my child like this, & thoroughly enjoying myself while doing it! I wouldn’t hurt anyone deliberately, let alone find the things that are the most important to them, & use those things to cause the maximum amount of pain possible. I can’t understand how anyone can do that. I know a lot about narcissism, but that doesn’t mean I understand everything about it. I don’t think I ever will.

And the worst part? I really messed up. I got so angry that I cussed at my mother. I am not proud of this at all, & prayed later, asking God to forgive me. I didn’t ask my mother to, because she acted as if I speak to her this way every day. She knew she was pushing my buttons hard, & she got the bad reaction out of me she wanted. Now she can tell people how terribly I speak to her, & she knows what to do to hurt me more than usual. Fantastic… this is going to bite me & bite me hard in the future, I’m sure. It always does when I get angry with my mother, although normally cussing isn’t part of my response.

In case you’re wondering what horrible sin I committed to deserve this treatment, here you go: my mother is mad because my father is coming by to visit me tomorrow. She is mad that I invited him & not her. The irony of this? I didn’t invite him, either. He decided he wants to come by. There was no invitation, & there never is an invitation from me to either him or my mother to come into my home. So there you have it-the reason I deserved to be treated like crap to the point of tears of hurt & frustration.

Amazing, isn’t it?

Dear Readers, please pray for me. I am beyond frustrated on how to deal with my parents. I’m praying for you as well, because I know that many of you understand this awful feeling completely. ❤

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