Beginner's Guitar Acoustic

Hey cheers for looking at this, I hope it is useful for you :)
Introduction:
when any man picks up an acoustic guitar, he must ask himself, 'why am I doing this?', the answer is 90% of the time 'to get laid', in this lesson I hope to teach you some simple stuff that should impress your girlfriend (or boyfriend, whatever floats your boat) ;)
I hope to have you playing a decent song, relatively well in at least 10 minutes, even if you have never picked up a guitar before! ...well after we run through the basics. For this lesson you will need to know how to read tab. (if you already know how just skip this)
tab looks like this:

,just for example.
The lines represent the guitar's strings, the bottom one being E, the thickest string, the one closest to you. It is the lowest note thus why it is the lowest line on tab, and the top 2 being B and e. It may be confusing having 2 strings on a guitar with the same letter, so we put high e in lower case. (it is an octave higher than low E) high e is the furthest string away from you, the thinnest one, the highest note.
The numbers on the lines represent which fret you are pressing down and playing. A 0 means an open note, you are not pressing down a fret at all.
There are many different symbols that come up on tab, expressing different techniques that are used, eg. / is a slide,(E|----1/2---) h is a hammer-on, (E|----1h2---) p is a pull off (E|----2p1---) etc.
We will get into that in later lessons.
Okay, now lets make sure we are in tune!
The tuning we are going to use today is standard, E A D G B e
If you can't tune by ear, you can buy a guitar tuner in pretty much all music shops. or you could use an online tuner, simply type into youtube, "online guitar tuner standard tuning" and match the note of the string to the note that is playing by repeating the note on your guitar and turning the machine head until the note sounds the same.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IYFmF85VT0
that is a link for an online tuner :P
Now you are nice and in tune it is time to learn some basic exorcises that every guitarist needs to know. First of all hold your guitar properly, with the fretboard going horizontal and facing away from you, make sure it is level and you haven't got it laying on your lap. It needs to be held. (that's a mistake I used to make when I started playing)
Now place your thumb in the centre of the back of the guitar's neck under the fret marker of the 2nd fret. Now make sure you can reach the first 4 frets without moving your hand, just your fingers. Do that on the E string.
Now you are holding your instrument properly, play as follows, this is just a simple exorcise, I do this for 10 minutes before I go to bed just to keep my fingers fast :)

Repeat that a few times, until it is natural, make sure it flows smoothly. Play all of the 4s with your pinky, all of the 3s with your ring finger, all of the 2s with your middle finger and all of the 1s with your index finger. Plucking should preferably be done with a pick.
Now, after all of the boring shit, let's learn a song that you can play to your girlfriend. it is easy as hell and will sure get you some action :)
Okay the song goes like this:

That gets repeated a lot throughout the song. It changes but not much, you can just simplify it to that riff.
Put your index finger on the 3rd fret of the a string, pluck it and then play the next 2 strings open one after the other. Then pluck another open on the D string. That is the basic picking pattern for this song.
Once you have played that, then place your ring finger on the 5th fret of the A string and your middle finger on the 4th fret of the D string and use the same picking pattern as before, but after you have played the open on the G string, take your middle finger off of the 4th fret of the D string and play it open.
Then you need to slide your hand down the guitar's neck and place your ring finger onto the 7th fret of the A string and your index finger on the 5th fret of the D string. Use the same picking pattern as before, this time leave your index finger on the 5th fret of the D string. Now leaving your fingers where they are, play the same thing with the same picking pattern and this time instead take your index finger off of the 5th fret of the D string and play an open.
This is what it should sound like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHyCQn1VrLE
In the next lesson I will cover some chords that are good to know and how to make songs out of them.
Hope I helped you guys.

goodness, well i'm just startin, this is kinda helpful i mean besides the fact that i'm a girl lol, so ur critics should lay off a lil. you'd think playing another instrument in the past would make this easier but i find it much harder to break my habits and try to be patient instead of tryin to fly through everything like i have been.. The point i'm trying to get to is thank you this has been rather helpful it's good to start from the beggining and gain dexterity and whatnot. thank you

First of all, you don't need to learn playing a guitar to get laid ... and you shouldn't learn just to be so !!
Secondly, every effort deserves a pat. For begiiners like us, every bit counts. I'm not trying to be a professional player; just wanna be able to play soemthing for my family and my daughters coz they liked music so much.
Good effort, very much appreciated and more lessons to come i hope.

I always wanted to learn to play the guitar and sing. I started playing guitar 2 years ago. I never thought I could come this far. I have learned and improved my playing dramatically for the past 2 years. Now I play with a band. All what I did was refer to some great video lessons. This is what I refereed to. https://www.rockatar.com/lessons

I would be willing to bet that most "lessons" posted have people that either take something away with it, or don't. "Beginner" is the key word here. Even if someone takes away anything from this that wasn't there before, then I would say it was a success to an extent. I hate guitar jocks with a passion. Play cuz' you love music. Not as an extension of your manhood.

haha, this guide helped me refresh my memory, haven't played guitar in years and even before I set it aside I was still a beginner. I'm a girl and I'm not looking to get laid, but I have a friend who has told me she has a thing for guitarists. So what am I gonna do? Relearn guitar and play her a song XD (and I figure it should be obvious, but we're gay)