While some of us might have rejoiced in the announcement of a Chad Johnson sex tape the way Ralphie rejoiced at getting a Red Ryder air rifle, Ochocinco himself was busy calling the Federal Bureau of Investigation to find out who leaked it. You know, because it’s illegal to steal and release someone’s sex tape without their permission? The wide receiver acknowledged yesterday that the leaked footage does feature him and two lady friends in a Florida hotel room, but says that the video is approximately three years old. Oh lord, yesterday was Christmas! Imagine your dad having to step away from the family party to call the FBI about his leaked sex tape. We hope Chad’s kids got the gift of zero Internet access this week…

While only segments of the sex tape have appeared online, Johnson’s lawyer is allegedly drafting a cease-and-desist letter to have the clips yanked off the web. Johnson believes the tape was stolen from his phone, which hopefully means the FBI will be able to track down his hacker just like they tracked down Christopher Chaney, the hacker who received ten years in prison for stealing nudes of Scarlett Johansson, Christina Aguilera and several other celebs. May the Johnson kids ring in the New Year by not having kids at school tease them about their dad’s sex tape, and to all a good night!