Readers, meet my amazing friend Jen. We became besties my sophomore year in college when I joined the film arts coalition (Jen was the president, that's how hot she is.) Jen got me through my first terrible break up with my high school boyfriend with plenty of music recommendations (Liz Phair, Tori Amos, Ani DiFranco-- you know, standard girl stuff) along with a trip to the Sundance Film Festival. She's also an incredible filmmaker and my fave person to commiserate with about "industry" BLOW OFFs. AND she's a life coach. If you need some advice, I highly recommend contacting her. Like I said, she got me through my first break up. Oh, and she's got a super awesome British boyfriend (whose accent is just so-so).

I hate guys who...never ask questions and only talk about themselves.I love guys who...are not afraid of emotional intimacy.My worst break up was...with a guy who never loved me.My easiest break up was...with a guy who loved me too much. My three deal breakers are...cocaine, narcissism and borderline personality disorderI've been in love 3 timesI've had my heart broken too many times to count timesI've broken 1 heartMy go to sad break up song is.....Tear in Your Hand by Tori Amos (editor's note: I cannot believe this song has never been a blow off song of the day. It's seriously the best break up song ever written. "maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen." "Maybe it's time to wave good bye now." Gets me every time.)My go to "fuck you" break up song is....Untouchable Face (AKA Fuck You) by Ani DifrancoAngelina Jolie...is the most beautiful celebrity on the planet.Reality TV....is the new sitcom

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Editor's note: when it was announced that ABC was cancelling the daytime soaps All My Children and One Life to Live, we posted a former executive's take on the cancellations. The post caused a bit of a stir, so we thought we'd go to our friend Ed (also a former soap exec) for his take on the announcement that both soaps would no longer be moving online. This is like getting dumped by your rebound:

When I first sat down to write about Prospect Park canceling their plans to move All My Children and One Life to Live online, I was angry, and the tone of this post was going to be angry. But as I began to write, I realized that I’m not really angry. I’m disappointed. When Prospect Park, a production company known for basic cable series, Royal Pains and Wilfred, announced that they would produce both AMC and OLTL as internet-based series, fans of both shows heaved a collective sigh of relief as they would now not have to say goodbye to two iconic series. As a soap fan and a TV programmer, I was both grateful and impressed by Prospect Park’s initiative. Finally, a company realized the value of soaps and their passionate fans. Well, that didn’t last long as Prospect Park announced the night before Thanksgiving that they had suspended their efforts to transition both shows online due to lack of financing.

While I do believe Prospect Park, who I’ll now refer to as PP, had good intentions, I don’t think they truly understood what they were getting into. Producing two daytime dramas is much different than producing a primetime cable series. Aside from the production costs, number of episodes produced in a year, daytime dramas have large casts and crews. AMC and OLTL were cancelled in April with AMC scheduled to be the first to end in late September. PP announced their acquisition of the internet rights to the shows in July and intended on continuing AMC on the Monday after its ABC run ended. That timing was just never going to work. AMC was scheduled to end production at the end of August. PP hadn’t even begun negotiating with the multitude of unions involved. So when they decided that they would launch both shows in January after OLTL ended its network run, it made sense. But what didn’t make sense was that while OLTL had been successful in signing over a dozen of its cast member to the internet version of the series, only three AMC actors had been signed. This was an early sign that at least AMC’s future was doomed and that PP didn’t have a full grasp on the magnitude of producing these shows.

While creating their online network, PP was also shopping the shows around to cable networks for airings after episodes debuted online. There was also talk of PP possibly syndicating the shows to local TV stations in lieu of a cable deal. As someone who has worked in local TV, syndication and cable, this all made sense. PP couldn't command the same ad rates for the shows as ABC had. Even a small license fee from a cable or syndication deal would help offset production costs. I also suspected that PP would retain some commercial time in these deals which would provide an additional revenue stream. But, once again, the timing was off. PP had only named their network, aptly named The Online Network, by fall and there was no marketing against it. Even now if you go to their website all that comes up is a form asking for your name and email address so that they can keep you informed about their launch plans. How was a cable network or local TV stations supposed to acquire and promote the shows on such a short time frame? Even with the brand these two shows built over the last 40 years, they would still need to be promoted by their new homes. And remember, because there was no deal with the Writer’s Guild no stories beyond the finales had been written.

Oh the finales! When ABC cancelled both shows, the writers began plotting out the final days of Erica Kane and Vicki Lord. When PP rode in on their white horse, they asked both shows to rewrite the endings so that there would be a compelling cliffhanger to drive viewers to the new online versions. AMC fans were left with what was a quite lovely and compelling final week of episodes focusing on the families of Pine Valley which culminated in a classic AMC party filled with toasts, proposals and a gun shot as the series faded to black. I’m sure had PP not come along, AMC would have ended on a more sentimental note rather than having all of the show’s characters' lives hanging in the balance. Unfortunately for One Life to Live, they shot their final episode only a week before finding out they would not be continuing online. If PP had at least given them the courtesy of a heads up as they had to have known that they would most likely not have the funds to continue One Life during the final week of filming, I’m sure One Life’s creative team could have at least scripted a final scene to give the show more of an “ending.” PP should have just been honest and said it’s not going to happen. Now, as I understand it, OLTL will end with multiple cliffhangers, giving fans very little sense of closure.

Closure. That’s what it really comes down to for us soap fans. We’re not crazy or irrational. Well, some fans are, but they’re not the majority. We just want to know that the characters we have come to know, love and welcome into our homes five days a week will get the happiness and contentment they’ve been striving for all these years.

I’ve been watching soaps since I was a young boy and when I was about twelve or thirteen I was asked when I’d stop watching soaps. The question was asked as if soap opera viewing had some kind of natural expiration date. It was if I was expected to wake up one day and say to myself “today I stop watching soaps.” I couldn’t answer that question because I couldn’t imagine a reason why I would stop watching. In my mind, the stories of the denizens of Pine Valley, Bay City, and all those other fictional towns would play out forever. If I were to ask a football fan when they would stop watching their favorite teams play, I would probably be met with an incredulous stare. You see, us soap fans are no different than sports fans. There are those we root for and those we root against. We are emotional in triumph and defeat. We look at the people on the screen as extensions of ourselves, striving to be greater than their current circumstances might allow.

So, no, I’m not mad a Prospect Park. They merely didn’t realize the scope of what they were trying to accomplish within a short time frame. I’m disappointed that more time and thought wasn’t put into the plan because I do believe that there was a way to continue both shows. Maybe not in their current formats with their current casts, but it was an opportunity to reinvent and reinvigorate the genre.

Monday, November 28, 2011

I don't know what it is about John Cusack, but he can do the broken-hearted vulnerable guy bit better than any actor out there. Say Anything is his tour de force, obvi-- but sometimes I think High Fidelity deserves more props (Clarification: not more props than Say Anything. Just more props in general). In the movie (based on the Nick Hornby novel) Cusack's character, Rob, is in the middle of a nasty break up with his live in girlfriend. As we all know, break ups are a time of reflection-- LIKE-- how the eff did I end up here again? In order to answer that question, Rob recounts his five worst break ups.

For better or worse, this was the movie that launched Jack Black's career. He's actually pretty great in it. And personally, I think High Fidelity could have been more of a cult classic if it wasn't for the terrible chick cast as Rob's current ex. She was a crappy actress and had no chemistry with John Cusack and hasn't been in anything I've heard of since this movie came out in 2000. If only they had cast Ione Skye.

Anyway, there are a lot of BLOW OFF worthy clips from this movie, but I think the most memorable scene is the one where Rob's ex's new boyfriend pays him a visit at his record store to tell him what's up. You might remember the patchouli smelling ex-boyfriend was played by Tim Robbins. This scene is the best. Haven't we all fantasized about confronting the person we got left for? Here's hoping I'm not the only one that's thought about knocking some ho-bag's teeth out.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Turkey Drop day, readers! While all of you are enjoying mashed potatoes and stuffing and green bean casserole with your family, some poor unsuspecting college student is getting dumped on their ass. It turns out Thanksgiving weekend is not only the biggest shopping weekend ever, it's also the biggest break up weekend ever. Cause all those college freshmen who mistakenly decided to do long distance come home and break up with their high school sweethearts.

It kind of breaks my heart to think that at many a Thanksgiving table, a young person is in the throes of a BLOW OFF. Especially if that young person is in junior college and got dumped by their bf or gf that went away to school. Talk about salt in the wound.

So, here's my message to all the girls and boys on the losing side of the turkey drop. This break up was inevitable. We all saw it coming. If you're going to be this naive when it comes to other aspects of your life, you're fucked. You didn't get dumped, because long distance is too hard or because you're both still so young. You got dumped, because there is some eager girl or boy back at your sig other's college waiting in the wings for them. A girl or boy they've probably already hooked up with behind your back. Do yourself a favor. Don't spend the next three years still wondering what could have been with your high school sweetheart. They are NOT your high school sweetheart anymore. They are your high school bitterheart. I know, it sounds cheesy (because it is)-- but the more you long for them, the more you stare at your prom picture, and the more you drive by all those public parking lots you used to hang out in, the more bitter you will become. Instead, have another slice of pumpkin pie, go do some serious retail therapy tomorrow, and then get on the treadmill. You're gonna have to lose all that holiday weight (plus the freshman 15, ouch) if you want to make your ex jealous with a slew of hot new mobile uploads.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Readers, I present you my much younger brother. We've got an eight year age difference, but we're still besties. He's a looker and he can dance and if he got in a rap battle with that kid Astro from X Factor, he would probably lose, but just by the skin of his teeth. I like to pretend that I raised him and that I'm personally responsible for the awesome person he is today. So, without further adieu..this was Kia then, this is Kia now...

I hate girls who...think they're all that and a bag of chips and a side of bacon.Chill bitch. You're obnoxious, not funny. Not to mention you have an insane amount of shit caked on your face. I love girls who...aren't lacking in confidence, but have no real sense of how adorable they are. My worst break up was... the high school sweetheart.My easiest break up was...with my only ginger. We fell in love while slow dancing to a K-Ci & JoJo song at our 6th grade dance. I asked her to be mine when the lights came back on, or to be more accurate, when they opened the window blinds (middle school dances are right after school). Needless to say, she wasn't a pretty sight. I caught a case of amnesia over the weekend and never talked to her again...so I guess we're technically still together? My three deal breakers are...narrow-mindedness, lack of sarcasmness, Jesus freakiness. I've been in love 1.5 timesI've had my heart broken 1.5 timesI've broken _4_ heartsMy go to sad break up song is...The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore by James Morrison.My go to "fuck you" break up song is...Naive by The KooksAngelina Jolie...is having sex with Billy Bob in a blimp right now. Reality TV....is good when it's American Idol Auditions. That's it.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Say it ain't so. Ali Fedo-whatevs and Roberto are dunzo. I don't understand how this happened! These two were together for eighteen months, but in Bachelorette years that's like thirty two years. Below are my five guesses as to what finally caused the split.

5. Ali had knee problems which was the original reason their wedding was said to be postponed. Roberto is Latino which means he lives and breathes salsa. A relationship between a girl with a bum knee and a salsa master of the universe just can't work. In a crazy turn of events, Ali will be cast in next season's Dancing with the Stars to try and win Roberto back.

4. Remember the Bora Bora episode? Remember how sweaty Roberto was? Now picture that much sweat while you're having sex. How can a girl concentrate on having an orgasm when all she's thinking about is how her pores are totally getting clogged by thick salty man sweat.

3. Roberto was an insurance salesman.

2. Ali decided to come clean with Roberto and tell him that the family members he met on the show were a bunch of actors and that in truth, she was raised by a pack of wolves like I always suspected. Roberto just wasn't all that cool about splitting half his holidays with a bunch of wild animals. Plus, if he can't even get through a Jack London novel, why live in one?

1. Roberto and Ali's relationship was plagued from the beginning...by the ghost of Chris L's mom. Remember her? The one that comes out every time there's a rainbow? Well, she's been haunting the shit out of Ali ever since she dumped her son. There's some serious paranormal activity in Roberto and Ali's bedroom and they decided it was just easier to go there separate ways than deal with Chris L's late mom. Sadly, she's actually a friendly ghost like Casper and just wanted to dish with Ali about the fact that Chris Harrison is a lazy ass with the world's easiest job.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Last week, news broke that Ashton and Demi were splitting up. And you didn't have to have a doctorate in psycho-analysis to read between the lines of her PR statement. Ashton cheated. Case closed. But can we all take a moment of silence to reflect on the woman he cheated with? Not that it makes much of a difference, but she's the one wearing the captain's hat and the animal print fur something or other.

This chick might as well have "if you are famous and married and have sex with me I will sell my story to Us Weekly" tattooed on her forehead. There's no way Kutcher thought she wouldn't update her Facebook status with "just had unprotected sex with Kelso" (unless of course he's done it before and it's stayed quiet. Duh, Saaara). All of that aside, why is the other woman always a trashy ho? Guys don't want to be married to a five dollar hooker, but everyone once in awhile, they want to be inside one? Or is it because these dudes (Tiger Woods, Jesse James, John Edwards, et al) secretly want to get caught. Do they have the same syndrome as the Silicon Valley Bachelor? You know-- instead of cutting bait, they'll just do something really terrible and force their significant other's hand.

I know what you want to say. Saaara, it's not that deep. Men just have no will power when it comes to sex. Come on! I refuse to believe things like this happen merely because men are physically incapable of saying no to sex. If I have the will power to say no to eating a bacon wrapped hot dog everyday, then I truly believe men can stay away from overwaxed/overused vaginas they aren't married to. I also know for a fact that this isn't just a famous guy epidemic. I know of regular dudes who have also cheated with slutterinas. I'd like to think it's because only trashy women would knowingly have sex with a married guy, but I also know some classy smart (lonely) girls who've done it.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that when it comes to cheating, us ladies are better at it. Maybe it's because we've seen The English Patient one too many times to count ("every night I cut my heart out, but in the morning it was full again." Sigh), but we don't waste our affairs on guys in Ed Hardy. Like for instance, when Rachel Wiesz cheated on Darren Aronofsky, she wasn't having sex with The Situation. She was making wild passionate love with Daniel Craig. It doesn't make it right, but it sure as hell makes it better.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I guess even Kabbalah couldn't save them. Demi Moore released this statement:

"It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life. This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation."

Ashton Kutcher tweeted:"Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail."

Seriously, 140 character is the best he could do? I'm Team Demi on this one. Good for her for making the decision not to stay in a marriage with someone that cheated on her. She has three daughters after all, she can't teach them to put up with that bullshit. Even though I'm so over PR statements, I thought hers was pretty classy. She'll bounce back. Hopefully with someone in her age group. Before you rip my head off-- I don't think men should date women 10+ their junior either. It can't be a good feeling that Bruce Willis is currently having a baby with his much younger wife. Ugh. Who do we want to see Demi with next? I vote George Clooney. That would be so smokin' hot.

But none of this answers one of life's biggest mysteries...who the heck is the father of January Jones's baby?!

If there's one thing I've learned about the opposite sex over the last ten years it's this: there is no such thing as male intuition. At least when it comes to relationships. Maybe guys can read a room when it comes to say a staff meeting, but they certainly can't do it when it comes to their girlfriends. Ladies, how many times have you heard your BF say "I can't read your mind"? Like, everyday. But allow me to dispel the whole "mind-reader" myth. The truth is, guys--- we don't want you to be psychic. We just want you to have common sense. If you're lacking in both departments, here's a useful reference guide that might save you from the headache of a pissy girlfriend.

10. You've been out of town for a week or more for whatever reason (business, visiting relatives, etc). When you get back you either A. Make plans with the dudes. OR B. make plans for a double date. And then you get really confused when your girlfriend goes bitch. You have no idea what's wrong, you're not a mind-reader. Hint hint: what's wrong is that after not seeing each other for an extended period of time, your girlfriend wants to hang out with you and only you. Consider it a compliment and don't make plans with other people.

9. You're watching TV and your girlfriend is on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor of your apartment, while mumbling under her breath that she does everything. You are really confused. Why is she so upset? You offered to pay for a housekeeper. Wrong answer. When a woman is cleaning anything, she wants to believe she's with the kind of guy that pitches in without being asked to pitch in. Press pause on the DVR, turn on some music, and grab a mop. You will score like 10,000 points.

8. You went out for a guys night and when your girlfriend asks you how it was, you mention that a couple of your buddies' girlfriends were there. She doesn't have sex with you that night and you have no idea why she's upset. She was totally cool with you hanging out with your friends. Really? You don't know why she's upset? Allow me to break it down for you. If there were girls there then it wasn't a guys night out and now her feelings are hurt that she wasn't invited to hang out. Naturally, she starts to wonder why your guy friends love their significant others enough to bring them along when you never bring her. In a nutshell, you don't have to read minds to know--- us girls ALWAYS want to be invited, even if we don't want to go.

7. It's date night, yay! A romantic night for you and your lady. What could possibly go wrong? Oh, so much. For starters, if we're acting a little quiet in the car after getting our hair done and wearing a cute new outfit...chances are, it's because you didn't tell us we look great. Girls like compliments. You do not have to call Miss Cleo to figure that out. Plus, there's nothing worse than having to tell a guy you want to hear that you're pretty. It kind of removes all the romance if we feel like the next time you say it, it's just to appease us.

6. This one is totally not a personal anecdote. You just got a puppy. And you have to get up several times in the middle of the night, so the puppy can go potty. And it's so great that your girlfriend (or wife) let's you sleep, while she gets up every time with the puppy. It's so nice of her that you have no idea why she's acting all annoyed about it in the morning. It's because she doesn't want to be the one to get up with the puppy every time, but she wants you to help out of the goodness of your heart without her asking you to. Refer back to #9. It's called common sense, men. You will never be punished for offering to help.

5. Your girlfriend has to go to a really terrible social event that she's dreading and can't get out of. You consider this the perfect opportunity to have a night out with your buddies and you can't understand why she's upset. If only you could read minds! Here's a tip: it's because she wants you to offer to accompany her to said terrible social event, so that she doesn't have to suffer through it all by herself or quietly seethe when everyone else's boyfriends are there.

4. Something really good happens to your girlfriend. Like she gets a promotion or wins an award or gets into her dream grad school. You pause your video game long enough to give her a high five and ask her to get you a beer while she's up. Next thing you know...she slams the door and pumps up the volume on her favorite Tori Amos playlist. What gives? If only she would just tell you, because you're not psychic. Um. You should not need a super power to know she's butt hurt, because the next door neighbor was happier for her than you were. Any time something good happens to your girlfriend, pretend like she just won the lottery. Scratch that. Pretend like you just won the lottery. That's the kind of over the moon reaction we're looking for.

3. It's her birthday. Bedtime rolls around and you're feeling a little too tired to make a move. Plus, she doesn't seem to give you any signals that she wants to have sex. So, you fall asleep. The next morning, she's acting a little cold. What the eff? It's not like you forgot her birthday. If only you could read minds! Well, now you can. Sure, us ladies like to be the seducers every now and again, but when it comes to the day we're another year older,we don't want to feel like we have to rape you in order to get some.

2. This ones for the married couples with kids. Not that I have direct experience, but I do have a puppy now, so that sort of counts. If your wife is acting a little emotionally distant and you have no idea why and that microchip you installed in her brain is not working, chances are...she just wants to hear she's a good mom. And she doesn't want to hear it from some random Facebook acquaintance commenting on a cute photo of her kid, she wants to hear it from her baby daddy. Try it with me, dads: You're such a good mom. If you're wondering why your wife hasn't just told you she needs to hear this, refer to #7.

1. Something tragic happens to your girlfriend, like say, the death of a loved one. She's understandably upset. You console her, but the next day you're all perky and chipper and you can't understand why she's curled up on the couch, gripping a pillow, and downing a bottle of wine. You're confused. Why is she being all withdrawn when you totally consoled her yesterday? Here's the thing...cheering someone up isn't just a one stop shop. You have to ask her how she's doing about said tragic incident multiple times a day for at least three months. And if you've met her parents, you also have to call them to send condolences without her asking you to.

Boys. Trust me. Follow the above steps and you too can have woman's intuition.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

You think people don't like you, because you're a Republican. That's not true. People don't like you, because you're dumb and super annoying. I used to love The View, at least in concept. Smart women discussing politics and everyday issues. But lately, I'm hard pressed to find any smart women on the show. It's more like a program about a girl that says something stupid and cringe-worthy and all her co-hosts awkwardly try to change the subject, because they are so embarrassed for her. And then her grandma who has slight dementia reassures her and tells her how much they love having her on the show. You are single-handedly the reason I stopped watching.

I've heard you are a nice person. I'm guessing you're probably a good mom. None of these things matter to me, because everything that comes out of your mouth makes me want to break my television set. You're ignorant. You're not funny. You have no idea what you're talking about. You speak in ridiculous sound bites. Plus, it's really hard to take anyone seriously when they are more orange than the contestants on Dancing with the Stars.

On yesterday's show, you hijacked the entire interview with Bill Maher to confront him about a joke he made about you on his show (which actually was really funny) and you said you were speaking on behalf of all women. Oh, no you didn't! I really hope the words "on behalf of all women" are never uttered from your mouth again. There isn't a smart, successful, rational female I know that doesn't find you wholly offensive. It's really a shame you are the "young" voice on the show-- a fact you love to try and use to your advantage-- "insulting" Bill Maher by asking him how long it's been since he was in high school, saying over and over again on the same show that you're the same age as Ashton Kutcher--- when the truth is, you're totally disconnected from what young people care about. This country is getting more liberal and more progressive. It doesn't make sense for the show's conservative voice and young voice to be the same person. I mean for the love of God, you campaigned for SARAH PALIN!

But let's put your political beliefs aside for a minute (you know, the ones you only inherited because your husband is a Republican). What's with that grating voice? Do you hear yourself? You sound like you're on your period ALL the time. You sound like you've never gotten laid. You sound like Tracy Flick. You try to make the same idiotic point OVER and OVER again. You don't know when to shut up. The more you talk, the worse you look. Not to mention you are totally narcissistic. Aren't there more important things to debate in an interview than spending ten minutes talking about someone being mean to you on their TV show? No one cares! Even the audience of The View laughed at the joke you kept adamantly claiming wasn't funny. Plus, I kind of think the part of the joke that really got under your skin was that Bill Maher said Lara Logan was hotter than you. Elisabeth--Rosie O'Donnell is hotter than you.

You don't need to go to Egypt, but I'd prefer you off my TV screen. I wish ABC would shake things up and get rid of you. Bring on someone a little older, more seasoned, and intelligent to be their conservative voice. Then add a new young co-host that young women could actually relate to. You can go on Fox News instead where no one is going to hurt your feelings. Then, I could stop BLOWING OFF The View and put it back on my DVR list.

I hate girls who...have to go through an extensive process before being seen in public. (Editor's note: he likes to follow me around the house and stare at me impatiently while I get ready to go out) I love girls who...don't care what people think about them. (Editor's note: I totally care what people think about me. People who don't are fooling themselves.)My worst break up was...I've never really had a bad one. (Editor's note: say what?)My easiest break up was...after two years of dating in our mid-twenties, we were on vacation and had a conversation that led to a very reasonable exchange that we weren't the ones for each other. (Editor's note: I think this break up may have been even easier.)My three deal breakers are...is she crazy, is she stupid, is she superficial? (Editor's note: Two out of three ain't bad)I've been in love 2 times (Editor's note: at first he said only once and then he heard I'd been in love three times and changed his answer.)I've had my heart broken 1 time. (Editor's note: if he plays his cards right, it won't happen again.)I've broken probably more than oneheart and less than a thousand. (Editor's note: ewwww.)My go to sad break up song is.....H Bomb says he doesn't have one, so instead he told me his favorite love song...Silly Love Songs by Paul McCartney & Wings (Editor's note: Suck on that John Lennon.) My go to "fuck you" break up song is....H Bomb says he doesn't have one so instead he told me his favorite hip hop song...Re:definition by Black Star (Editor's note: it's like pulling teeth sometimes.)Angelina Jolie...doesn't do it for me. (Editor's note: Good answer, babe.)Reality TV....is a good way to pass the time. (Editor's note: Part of my birthday present was watching two back to back episodes of RHOBH together.)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

New Girl is the big hit comedy of the season, but I have a love/hate relationship with the show. Admittedly, I think I'm just painfully jealous of Liz Meriwether's career. I wish I could be one of those girls that was always like "yay, women! You go girl with your bad self" but sometimes I'm more like "why does she get to be all successful, I'm just as smart and funny as her. When will it be MY TURN?!?!?" Lucky for you, that's not what this post is about.

Overall, I'm into the show. Even if Zooey D can be a little over the top and even if it's hard to buy that a girl with such pretty hair would be a socially awkward nerd. (Okay, fine. Maybe I'm just jealous of her super successful website HelloGiggles) Those critiques aside, one of the best things about the show is that it nails the tragically funny side of break ups. Jess (Zooey D's character) moves in with three dudes after she catches her boyfriend cheating on her. She's kind of a mess after her break up, but it turns out Nick (one of her male roommates) is also going through the motions. The below clip is from the obligatory wedding episode. Nick learns his ex-girlfriend has a new boyfriend and has a total meltdown over it. I think we can all agree that attending a wedding while you're still raw from a break up is cruel and unusual punishment. Especially if there's a cash bar.

Monday, November 14, 2011

SNL has been pretty sucky this season and weirdly enough, the funnier sketches are usually turning up closer to the end of the show. In case you guys missed it-- this was my favorite skit of this weekend's episode. Not only does it have a Friday Night Lights reference, but it makes fun of how sad Someone Like You by Adele is. Enjoy!

UPDATE: Sorry loyal readers! The original clip is down, probably due to NBC not clearing the music rights to the sketch. To watch the skit, click here and skip to the 52 minute mark. xoxo

I have a couple of pet peeves when it comes to my fellow card carrying vaginas (girls who wear Juicy Couture, girls who have no female friends, girls whose faces are totally different colors than their necks) BUT it's safe to say my biggest pet peeve is...

GIRLS who totally fall off the face of the earth when they get a BOYFRIEND.

Yes, I've written about this phenomenon before and apparently boys do this too, but I think it bears repeating. (Plus, I think I was too nice about it the last time). This is like totally sacrilegious in the code of female ethics, but so many of you hoo-has are guilty of committing it. I know we've all neglected friends when we're in relationships and we've all been neglected by friends in relationships, that for the most part it all kind of cancels each other out. Yes-- it's inevitable that when you're dating someone, other parts of your social life suffer in order for you to fit them in. Eventually, you achieve some semblance of balance and nobody's feelings get hurt. But unlike the last post, I'm not talking about girls who do that. I'm talking about girls who vanish. Like poof, abracadabra, they've opened the boyfriend portal and once they've stepped into it, they're gone. In time, you're not sure if they're dating someone or if they're dead.

Generally, these are also the same girls that expect to be called back right away when they're having any sort of life crisis. The kind of girls that cry on your shoulder for days on end when they're going through a break up and then can't be reached once they've met someone new. (Okay, full disclosure-- usually you are kind of happy to be done spending all your free time consoling this girl, but still. Rude much?)

I feel like these girls need to be stopped. We all need to take a vow to wait at least a week to call them back after they come crawling back from the boyfriend portal. AND we all need to stop being that girl. You can have a boyfriend (or husband for that matter) and still have time for your friends. I mean, don't you at least want to see them to talk their ear off about your new man?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I've always been proud of the fact that I'm Iranian. So proud, that I once caused a huge scene in fourth grade when a boy called another Iranian girl "you Persian!" in a derogatory tone. I started screaming and crying and we had to have an entire classroom meeting about it. So proud, that a few years ago when I was sworn in as an American Citizen, I spent most of the ceremony reading a script for work.

But the thing is, I can totally pass for white . People rarely know I'm Iranian until I tell them (which comes in handy when I want to eavesdrop on people speaking Farsi). It kind of bums me out that I somehow ended up with paler skin and lighter hair than my siblings. It's like I got the big nose and all the excess body hair without any of the perks of being Iranian. So unfair. And I'm ashamed to admit that a few years ago, I used the whole passing for white thing totally to my advantage.

It was June 2009, election day in Iran. My cousin had encouraged all of us with Iranian passports to go out and vote for the opposition-- Moussavi. Living in LA (otherwise known as Tehran-geles) meant there would definitely be a voting station somewhere in the vicinity. It turned out, the closest place was at a hotel near LAX which was like a super annoying drive, but I decided I had to represent. So, I went with my passport, stood in line, and spelled out Moussavi in Farsi the way the internet told me to.

Now, not all Iranians agreed with voting in the election. Some die-hard Shah supporters felt casting any vote meant supporting the Islamic Regime, so there was a good number of protestors outside of the hotel. Of course, on my way out I got stuck at a red light directly next to the protestors. One of them started gesturing at me to roll down my window. I always panic in these instances and foolishly assume that the person just wants to warn me that I have a flat tire or something, so I rolled down my window. She started berating me in Farsi and asking me if I thought of the children getting shipped to Dubai to be sex slaves while I voted. (kids? sex slaves? Dubai? Say what?) I had no clue what she was talking about and my Farsi speaking skills were way too limited to defend myself. I mean, if she gave me ten minutes, I could have probably come up with something to say, but it all happened so fast. So, I did the only thing I could do. I looked at her, totally confused and said in my flawless English: "I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're talking about and I don't understand you. What election?"

I passed for white.

The woman was mortified and all of her protestor friends totally started laughing at her. As I rolled up my window, I heard her say in Farsi "I don't know, she kind of looked like she could be Iranian..."

It was kind of a funny moment, but the protests and violence that ensued in Iran in the coming weeks made me cringe about what happened. All of these young people in Iran were storming the streets and risking their lives and I was so scared of a protestor, I pretended like I couldn't even understand her. It was a total pussy move on my part. Weirdly enough, I accidentally dropped my Iranian passport in the parking lot of the hotel (oh, the symbolism) and would never have gotten it back if it wasn't for a kind soul on Facebook who contacted me to tell she'd found it.

I watched the protests closely when they happened. I couldn't tear myself away from the Huffpost live blog. I wore green. But part of me felt like a fraud. I go back to that moment in my car often and contemplate all the things I should do now to stop BLOWING OFF my culture. I should speak Farsi more. I should learn how to cook more Iranian food (or any Iranian food for that matter). I should grow back my uni-brow. I should get a nose job. I should do more than just correct people when they pronounce the name of my country wrong (it's E-ron, people). My biggest fear is when I have kids, they won't know what the meaning of "tarof" is and won't crave tah-deeg or zereshk polo like I do. I guess the first thing I can do is get my ass to some Farsi classes before I forget to speak the language all together. Then, the next time some Iranian chick gets in my face, I can remember to say "goozidam too cheshmet*."

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Peeps, meet my friend and fellow book club co-hort, Valentina. Not only was Salma Hayek's daughter named after her (true story), but she also counts Suri Cruise as one of the members of her inner-circle. The best thing about Valentina--- other than the fact that she mentors the youth of today-- is that she's maybe the only person on the earth that understands my deep affection for Friday Night Lights. And she's a Riggins girl, so I don't have to worry about her going after Saracen.

I hate guys who...who refuse to put on their big boy pants.I love guys who...laugh at my jokes.My worst break up was...when I walked in on my boyfriend in bed with another lady.My easiest break up was...via text. Well, it was easy for me. My three deal breakers are...Rick Perry supporters, racism, and V-necks.I've been in love 3 times, but the first 2 pale in comparison to right now.I've had my heart broken 1.5 timesI've broken _2_ hearts and one jaw.My go to sad break up song is.....I Can't Make You Love Me by Bon Iver or By Your Side by Sade My go to "fuck you" break up song is....Fool of Me by Me'Shell NdegeocelloAngelina Jolie...makes me nervous and confused.Reality TV....makes me nervous and confused.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I'm heading to Columbus, Ohio this week with my hussyband to spend an early Thanksgiving with his family. (I mean, our family!) The two of us travel pretty well together. We both prefer to get tipsy before a flight. He likes window seats, I like aisle seats. We probably exchange like three words on the airplane, because he's too busy sleeping, and I'm too busy listening to sad break up music on my Ipod and trying to decide Who Wore it Best in Us Weekly.

Learning if you travel well with a person can be a make it or break it stage in a relationship. I know more than a few people who've actually broken up with their girlfriend or boyfriend WHILE on vacation, including the dude I'm married to. Something about hotel rooms and jacuzzi tubs and exotic locations really makes you wonder if you could spend the rest of your life with a person. What if they want to get up early and hit the hotel gym and you want to sleep 'til noon? What if they have an entire itinerary planned for the day, when you kind of want to lay poolside and catch up on back issues of Us Weekly? What if they don't understand that staying in a hotel should mean having sex more than usual and taking showers together?

So, if you're nine months into a relationship with someone, consider planning a vacation together. (If you don't want to get dumped, I highly recommend waiting past the six month mark, because we all know that's when we're all contemplating whether or not we should cut bait.) Here are a few red flags you should look out for. Does the person embrace other cultures or is every other word out of their mouth "ewww." "it smells here." "I want a cheeseburger." Are they psycho sight see-ers, like they wear a fanny pack and live for audio tours type? Do they think being on vacation means a vacation from having sex with you? Do they insist on wearing platform heels at say, the Coliseum in Rome? Do they decide to get their hair braided and get a fake tribal tattoo on their lower back? If any of the above occurs while you're on vacay with a sig-oth, then it might be time to cut them loose and bed a hot local.

Hopefully, the opposite will happen, and you will discover that you like to do all the same things on vacation. Like video-tape yourselves doing a fake newscast using a pineapple as your microphone.

Monday, November 7, 2011

In my time, I've done many things to skirt responsibility and accountability to women... and to society as a whole. Rest assured, there's logic behind the madness. When I was in 7th grade, I started to garner the interest of girls. It's quite a crazy thing to realize you wield so much power. Ever since, it's almost been a curse to be so ridiculously good-looking. So, I was dating this gal in 8th grade, Carey D, when a newer, hotter girl decided she liked me, but before I get to that, let me tell you how this one started. I walked to her house with my bandana hanging out of my back pocket - we were trend setters in a gang we called KYD - Krazy, Young, and Dangerous. We were ridiculously good-spellers and we wore neither red or blue. It was a time of Cross-Colours, where being a multi-cultural tolerant gang was ground-breaking. I knocked on Carey D's door, with a rose in hand, and asked her to be my girl. Her response was comical.

Carey D - You want to go out with me?!?! But you're so popular.

Me - I like you and that's what matters.

Carey D - (tears well up in her eyes) Okay.

After raw-dogging her in several different positions, I left her house and that was that.

Hahahha, just kidding! What 8th grader has sex!?!? And who uses the word "raw-dogging"? Gross! Anyhow, I didn't have sex until the 9th grade. Well, two weeks later, this hot girl named Jessica told me she liked me. So, I called up Carey D to tell her I wanted to break up, and all I could hear was her crying on the other end. It was the saddest, "I've got to go" that I've ever heard in my life. Right then and there, I decided that I never wanted to break up or hurt another person again.

Fast forward 5 years - I'm now in a relationship for the last 2.5 years because I can't force myself to break up with this annoying girl, that makes all of my friends sick because of her bubbly nature. Let's call this girl, Stephanie Keller. If I had it my way, I would've been broken up with Stephanie after 8 months. But what do you do when you hate the feeling of hurting someone, anyone, and someone - Stephanie - literally says to you all the time, "Don't ever break up with me, because I would just die." And then her eyes would get all misty. Let's just say that I really thought I would have to marry her and had accepted that fact. In the end, thankfully, she broke up with me a short time after that. I was a little bit bitter, because she broke up with me to date another guy. I had wasted 17 months dating this annoying theatre geek who verbally guilt-tripped me to think I had to date her forever! Looking back, almost everything she did annoyed me.

Fast forward to today - I act like a dickhead to girls I'm not interested in, so that I get out of having to ever breakup with someone. Oddly, this tactic tends to make girls like me even more. Anyhow, this tactic, works like this: When I start dating someone - aka raw-dogging them - if I realize that the girl is annoying in any way, I start showing off my worst possible traits. That way it makes it easy for us both to part ways. I will sleep 13 - 14 hour days, to the point where they're laying next to me, bugging me to get up. Then, I'll turn my back on them and tell them I probably won't be getting up anytime in the near future, so if they have something to do, they should go ahead and do it.

Other things I do - I act like I have no ambition. "What do I do for work?!? Nothing. Is that a problem? By the way, should we eat Cheetos for breakfast or lunch?" I want girls to know that life with me is going to amount to watching Family Guy reruns all day long. And it's a good thing Family Guy is on like 10 times a day on several different channels. It's heaven! I also act like I have nothing else on my mind that doesn't involve alcohol or finding the next party. I rarely ask the girl any prying questions, so she won't get the sense we're getting to know one another. Return calls or texts mostly take place at 2am or 3am, and only consist of, "come over. I want you." Sex when I'm in this state means I'm going to do and try everything with you. Nothing is out-of-bounds. I will call you dirty names and feel a twinge of guilt in my mind because I feel so naughty for having said something so bad.

So, if you find yourself in a similar predicament, show the girl your WORST qualities. Fart. Pick your nose. Eat three Big Macs and then say you feel like exploding, lift your shirt above your belly, lay on the ground, and rub your stomach, going "uggggh, I'm pregnant" - over and over. Blatantly pronounce menu items at Italian restaurants incorrectly. "I'll have the [fet-uh-seen-ee] and [bruhs-chetta]." This will annoy and embarrass them. I once watched Zoolander with a girl at the theaters, and following the movie - I refused to make small talk, but would dramatically look at her with my Blue Steele face when she asked me a question. She laughed at first, but after an hour, she was like, "okay, can you stop doing that now?" True story. I kept doing it. It's actually pretty fun to do socially unacceptable things.

Sooner or later, these girls are going to stop calling and won't even require an answer as to what went wrong. They'll want to put as much distance between them and your "worst" side as they possibly can, meaning you avoid maturing as an individual and breaking up with someone in a controlled, responsible, respected way. I don't have the answers on what normal people do, but my way is much more entertaining. It's like Andre "The Giant" when he suggests to Westley that they fight each other using their bare hands, as opposed to killing Westley immediately with one throw of a large boulder - which would have been very unsportsmanlike. He didn't have to miss, you know! With bare hands, it's much more entertaining! Get the analogy?!? Neither do I, but good luck being a dick to avoid acting like an adult!

Friday, November 4, 2011

"Straight up now tell me, do you really want to love me forever or am I caught in a hit and run? Straight up now tell me, is it going to be you and me together or are you just having fun?"-Paula Abdul, 1988P.S. a-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-bye.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The women of my generation are in a bit of a conundrum. We want equal rights and equal pay, but we also want our boyfriends to carry our heavy suitcases. It seems like the guys we're dating respect our independence and feminist tendencies so much, they let us do everything ourselves. As a courtesy. Because they think that's what we want. Well, we're hypocrites. There are still a few things from the 1950s we'd like to keep in the 21st century. Don't think of it as diminishing our feminism, think of it as increasing your manhood.

Here are the few instances where we'd like you to forget we're feminists just for five minutes.

10. Already mentioned, but we'd always like help carrying our luggage. The H bomb is 6 feet 2 and I'm five feet tall. It doesn't make sense that I should lug around a big old suitcase to the airport, just because I want to be treated like I can do anything myself. I can only do everything myself in theory.

9. When it comes to date nights, we don't like to drive. It's still nice being taken somewhere by a guy. Mainly because it allows us to do what we do best: be annoying backseat drivers.

8. Spiders and cockroaches are gross. We'll kill them when we're desperate and you're out of town on a business trip, but if you're in the vicinity of said insect, get out some motha-fuckin' Raid and show us you've got a pair.

7. I've mentioned this plenty of times, but even though we're usually okay with going dutch and those of us that don't have ice cold hearts will always reach for our wallets...we still judge you if you don't treat us to dinner. Especially on a first date.

6. Would it kill you to let us get off the elevator first? I mean, they let women and children get off the Titanic first and you can't wait five seconds for us to exit an elevator before you? You know you get to stare at our ass, right?

5. We want to be able to cry in the work place without it being the subject of a gender relations debate. If it's okay for John Boehner to cry, then it's okay for us to do it too. Plus, we get our periods and it makes us emotional. WTF is his excuse?

4. Take the bull by the horns when it comes to planning dates. There's this thing called Opentable.com that makes it really easy to make dinner reservations. But if you pick the wine or order off the menu for us, we will be so offended we won't give you a blow job after dinner OR a foot massage.

3. Girls fart and poop and burp. We're human. And eventually we'll be comfortable enough to do it around you. But we'd rather you ignored it and pretended like we smelled like vanilla all the time. So, avoid commenting on how bad the bathroom smells after we've been in there. We have no idea why it smells, the only reason we've been in there for a long time is because we were plucking our eyebrows.

2.Don't be afraid to dominate in the bedroom. We don't always need to be on top. But feel free to skip that whole pulling our hair thing. Ladies, am I in the minority or are some of you really into that? A little tug is okay, but we don't need the whole Ike Turner.

1. Be our hero. If someone is rude to us in public or another guy tries to hit on us in front of you, it's okay to get a little possessive and throw down. But then run like the wind, because we're not really into guys that fight. And don't forget to apologize when we lecture you and say we can fight our own battles.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

People. Meet my oldest and dearest friend, Megan. We met when we were eight years old in San Jose, CA. But when Megan turned ten, she moved to Seattle (with her parents, duh). And then Boston. We've had a long distance friendship ever since. Megan and I did a lip sync to Eternal Flame by The Bangles in third grade. She was the lead singer, I was the back up dancer. I once ripped off the tail of her sock monkey on purpose. Also, her love for New Kids on the Block almost tore us apart. She's got a ridiculous talent for memorizing commercials, she's the most hilarious person I know, and she's drop dead gorgeous, for reals. She's also very happily married and expecting her first child in December! That hot boy in the pic is her hubby.

I hate guys who...are rude to waitresses/cabbies/dogs.I love guys who...think I'm funny.My worst break up was...with a French Canadian who I moved around the country for, and I finally had to move home with my parents when he dumped me.My easiest break up was...with a guy who did my laundry and giggled. My three deal breakers are...flaky, insecure, and indecisive (male version of me!) fat, ugly and dumb seemed too mean.I've been in love 3 times (keep in mind I was an "I love you" slut)I've had my heart broken 4 timesI've broken 6 heartsMy go to sad break up song is....."Simple Together" by Alanis Morisette (My second date after my worst break up took me to this concert and I began drunkenly bawling when I heard this song for the first time...but I think that's what a guy gets for taking a first date to an Alanis Morissette Concert!)My go to "fuck you" break up song is...."Lost Cause" by Beck, if that's not angry enough, "Sleep to Dream" by Fiona AppleAngelina Jolie...is cool. Don't judge me.Reality TV....makes me feel better about myself.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Another horrible Ryan's Roses that we had to share to those of you that don't listen to Kiss FM in the mornings. This call took place last week. A very emotional Andrea called Ryan to tell him that she and her husband have been having problems and fighting constantly. They have two kids together and she's worried that he's cheating on her. The night prior to this call, they had a huge fight, he left and didn't come home.

Brace yourself and keep your bottle of Xanax handy, readers. Thanks for our loyal reader SRS for sending this our way. Unfortunately, I couldn't figure out how to embed the call, but open the link in a new tab to listen to it. And then read the below.

http://www.kyte.tv/ch/default-channel/ryans-roses-andrea/p=1763&c=422233&s=1517897Team Andrea all the way! Lisa can go fuck herself. I want to throw Andrea a fundraiser so she can hire the best divorce attorney on this side of the Pacific and milk this deadbeat husband for all he's worth. Our loyal reader SRS also informed us that Andrea and Ryan spoke a week later. She still had not heard from her husband. He hadn't called or come home or checked on his two daughters (a two year old and a three year old.)

about the blow off

We've all been blown off, we've all blown someone off. Share your story: the blow off texts, emails, voice mail messages you've either sent or received to mark the end of a relationship. And if the blow off consisted of a disappearing act, post a missing person's report. Or just read stories about break ups in general.