Thursday, 18 October 2012

the past couple days have been sad days. happy things have been happening, but i've just been sad. i know this is a sad time of year for me, and that i just have to allow myself to BE sad, but i was trying hard to be happy today. it was a struggle.

until i switched my music over to my metallica station, and had a couple cups of coffee. i literally felt my mood improve as i listed to metallica, godsmack, tool, disturbed, linkin park, and the ppl who sing chalk outline. i may have mentioned previously that's one of my new favorite songs... : )

anyway, they drew me out of my sad. not all the way out, but enough that i didn't feel like crying every three minutes, so i call that a win!

happy things to share

lunch yesterday w/ kris

(crab ragoon & mongolian beef, yumm!)

impromptu meeting yesterday in which i got to see mr crushtastic.

(confession: while seeing him made me happy, being hyper-aware that he was in my direct line of sight, meaning I WAS IN HIS DIRECT LINE OF SIGHT, was kind of nerve-wracking, as i tried not to stare but at the same time see him. oh my heck.)

Survivor!

finishing The Renegade Hunter & then reading the end of Born To Bite & then starting Hungry For You.

(was going to be symposium, where i'd never been, but we went to biaggi's instead & ohhhh the spinach cannelloni! *drool* YUM!)

TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!!!! : )

see? that is one heck of a list of happy things!

a friend of mine asked me today if i wasn't worried about mr crushtastic reading the blog or "finding out" about my crush from one of the ppl in our area. our area has a bit of a reputation for ... gossip? not keeping secrets? idk. i had a moment of "OMH WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE COULD FIND OUT?!" and then i realized something, and told her truthfully something that sort of shocked me:

i don't care if he knows.

not for myself, anyway. i have no secrets.

(well, okay, i mean i have SECRETS. i have things that i don't share w/ anyone, but that is what makes them secrets. the minute i share something w/ someone, there is the possibility of it "getting out" exists. which is why i only share things that i want to share. if i say something about someone, it is something i either have shared w/ them or would share with them if asked. i try not to participate in gossip, and if i don't know something 100%, i will tell you that i don't know. i will say i think something to be the case, but there's a possibility i could be wrong. and i'm never mean-spirited. ppl or situations or things make me upset/angry/frustrated/annoyed/etc., but that's normal. no one is going to like EVERYTHING/ONE all the time! but if i express frustration about something/one, i would express it to them if asked. i might express it to them in a more polite way than i am doing w/ the friend i'm venting to, but the truth behind it will stay the same whether i'm talking to person A or person B.)

erm, that was a long explanation about secrets... and it may have veered on a tangent or twelve, sorry.

my point, tho, is that mr c is shy, or at least that's my impression of him from the all-too-brief conversations we've had. and the only reason i would be upset about him knowing that he's my crush is if it embarrassed him. i fully understand and expect not to be on his radar. i think he's an uber-polite guy who is friendly in his shyness, and that he talks to me out of politeness, not out of any sense that he shares my crush. it would be great, fantastic, fabulous & a whole lot of other positive words if he did, of course!

but i'm well aware of my ...

i can't think of any way to put it that doesn't sound negative toward myself or like i'm begging for reassurance. i'm not. i know i'm awesome - God made me! i know i'm loved and blessed. i have proof of these things. : ) however, life has been a series of proofs of my lack of awesomeness in certain areas, and so i have come to accept that, even if i don't like it. and that acceptance has (obviously) in no way, shape or form affected my ability to have wholly consuming and non-reciprocated crushes. *laugh*

GOOD GRIEF!

so, there you have it, friends, family, random interwebs ppl who deign to read this silly little blog of mine.

mr crushtastic, i'll repeat what i posted earlier on fb:

should you come across this blog, or in some other way discover that you are my mr crushtastic, and i am totally not your ms crushtastic, i hope you'll be flattered and not horrified. i hope you'll appreciate and understand the fact that you are just incredibly adorable and nice, and i couldn't resist your crushtastic-ness.

: )

and really, don't mind when i turn bright red. it's not because i'm embarrassed that you know, or that i am crushing... it's just that i'm a horribly shy person using flamboyant social butterfly-ism to mask the panic & shyness. sometimes it works, and sometimes i turn bright red.

(and i've been at this for awhile now because my computer kept being a brat, but has been kind the past few minutes & allowed me to post. i'm heading back to my book before bed. i hope your day has been wonderful, dear reader!)

first of all, i would like you to all take a moment & visit my friend steph's blog post about a recent teen suicide brought about by bullying. PLEASE, if you know of a child who is being harassed, if you are being harassed by someone yourself, take whatever steps necessary to stand up for that child, or for yourself. there ARE ppl who will support you. find them, let them support you, and then STAND UP and keep STANDING UP. i don't mean fighting the bully - altho i sometimes wish for the days when you could haul off & hit someone back if they started a fight w/ you, knowing that ppl would take the side of RIGHT over political correctness. but what i mean by standing up is to be vocal about what's going on. to your friends, family, teachers, congressmen, clerk at the grocery store, co-workers, boss, boss's boss, EVERYONE. the only shame in harassment belongs to the one doing the harassing. shame, embarrassment, whatever you want to call it, that is where the bully's power lies. bullying is like blackmail. the person doing the bullying is counting on their victim's not speaking out. speak out!! now, the other side of that is that we, as a society, need to LISTEN when ppl DO speak out! in the case mentioned in steph's blog, this girl, amanda, spoke out. she CRIED out for help. no one stopped her harassers. we need to stand up to ppl who use bullying tactics. we, meaning society. meaning stop setting up funds & whatnot for kids who commit suicide & start setting up REAL SOLUTIONS to stop the bullies before it gets that far. kids who are taught to disregard another's life grow up to be adults who disregard another's life. unless they are taught compassion, unless they are shown the real consequences of their actions... we need to teach our children that helping ppl is not weak, it is desired. being kind is not something to be laughed at, but aspired to. oye.anyway, that's my five minute spot on the subject. i will be doing my best to teach my own children (well, nieces & nephews, you know what i mean!) those morals and ethics and logic. i will be doing my best to be an example of good things, of love. i will be doing my best to be that example not ONLY to the kids, but to my co-workers and friends and family as well.i hope you will join me.

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

i do so enjoy compliments! i love to give them and receive them. they're like presents that lift someone's spirits & don't cost you anything. i find myself enjoying finding one thing to compliment someone on when i see them. sometimes it's a tie, shoes, earrings... these are things that just POP out at me when passing ppl, ya know? i especially love ties! men can get so creative with them, so many different colors & patterns, and i adore when men go out on a limb with them. an attractive blue shirt with a not-normal-hue-of-green tie says to me you want to stand out and you have good taste. : ) today i had the pleasure of complimenting 3 gentlemen on their ties. it was a bountiful tie day!! : ) i was also complimented today, by two different ppl at the dealership when i took chloe in for her oil change. they both not only remembered me, but complimented my cheerfulness. : ) gave me a nice glow! i pray every night that i can be a blessing to ppl, as they are to me, and sometimes a smile or compliment can be that blessing. and, imo, a good witness for the Lord. when His light shines through you, ppl notice. which, of course, is not to say that i'm always the bright light of the world. *laugh* you know i get down & depressed & sad & everything else that is the antithesis of cheer. honestly, i struggle the most with depression from august thru october, making this a really hard month for cheer. thankfully, today was a GOOD day, a BLESSED day, and even tho there were negatives (i didn't get to see mr crushtastic at all *sigh*; i re-scheduled dinner w/ michelle to thursday since i wasn't sure how long the oil change would take; then mom invited me to a movie tonight but had to bail because one of her boys is sick. :( ) there were more positives! lunch was amazingly fun! the guys are both loads of fun, AND mr bossman treated us to the jimmy john's, so that was completely unexpected and sweet! : ) we chatted about the chef auction & vacations & that dude who free fell 24 miles from space...and then heights & bungee jumping & skydiving. *laugh* and i didn't get nervous or anything, which was a big plus! God is good, all the time, yes? : ) so, since there was no movie, i made a dinner of snacky things - pinwheels & triscuit thins w/ cream cheese & sweet jalepeño jam, a little hummus... mmmm. i'm still craving popcorn, tho. i am half tempted to run to the theatre & get some popcorn & bring it home, pop in a movie... maybe i'll do that after work tomorrow. : ) probably not, but it's something to think about! *laugh* trish & i did that once & it was neat!! i think instead i will just curl myself up w/ my Renegade Hunter & read til bedtime. mmmmm! that sounds delicious! what're you up to tonight? do share! ttfn!

Monday, 15 October 2012

you see, i know i've become a little... taken over with my crush. *laugh* and while this brings me hours of enjoyment, it also makes me think that perhaps i shouldn't enjoy it QUITE so much when he doesn't feel the same way. i mean, when i gush over mark harmon, no harm no foul, because he's a celebrity who expects ppl to gush about his handsomeness.

mr crushtastic is not a celebrity & is quite shy & i don't know that he would be quite as flattered by my crush... and so sometimes i try really hard to not think about him and not wish and pray for things that aren't likely to come to pass.

and then i pray for something specifically, and have a thought in my head or a scenario, and it PLAYS OUT JUST LIKE I PRAYED/THOUGHT! and then i'm back to wondering if maybe he could like me and maybe we could hang out.

today was just such a day.

so now i'm back to being confused. was God answering my prayer as a sign that i'm actually on the right path, or was He answering my prayer for a different purpose?

and the thing is, that i want to be his friend. i want to get to know more about him. i want to hang out w/ him! but because i also like him, and would like to be more than friends (how many times can i use the word like in an explanation? LOL), i'm afraid of doing anything overtly "let's be friends"-like because of that. and how can i possibly sound more like i'm in HS? agh!

i'm trying not to overthink it (oh my heck, i hate overthinking things!) and just enjoy it, tho. cuz i really DO enjoy him.

: )

SO! anyway. after work, i went to the store & got some groceries & dinner - well, pinwheels & sweet potato tots, except i fixed a pizza instead, but i didn't really like it. california pizza kitchen hawaiian. not my favorite. i prefer their margarita pizza... i also stopped by the bank & called my car peeps to get chloe in for an oil change & listened to lots of disturbed & silverchair. and some other... one of my favorite songs right now is Chalk Outline by someone or other. *laugh* ahhh... when i got home, while i waited for the pizza to bake, i pulled out my absentee ballot & marked all the little spots for the ppl i want to be in office after this next election & sealed that puppy up! now i just need to mail it. i also need to stop at the PO to get stamps... i guess i will try to get in early tomorrow again & do it after work! so, this weekend was nice. friday after work i went to the book rack & found 3 of the new vampire/shapeshifter series i'm liking (Love At Stake series, isn't that a cute name?!), and one of the Argeneau series i needed (now i only need 3 of the backlist, i think!), and another book, a Lords of Avalon series, by kinley mcgregor (which is a pen name for sherri!). i've never read any of them, so we'll see if i like them as well as the dark-hunter series... : ) saturday we were supposed to have a bonfire at aunt nancy & uncle gene's, but it rained ALL DAY. so i stayed indoors mostly, but then went over to mom's to hang out w/ her & leyton for awhile saturday night. we played some Sorry! : ) i won. LOL sunday it rained ALL DAY again, but i didn't have any outdoor plans, so i just enjoyed the reading time. *laugh* i enjoyed it saturday, as well, but it was mixed w/ the disappointment of not going to nancy's. i'm reading some Argeneaus right now - wanted to read Bite Me If You Can again, and then found A Quick Bite at the book rack (i hadn't read it before, amazing, i know!) & BMIYC had made me want to read the Rogue Hunter books again, so i read The Rogue Hunter & now am reading The Immortal Hunter & then The Renegade Hunter will be next. and THEN i'll start in on the love at stake books. : ) (aren't you glad you asked? oh, wait, you didn't ask? well... erm... sorry!) but sunday night i did go over to trish's for chili & Once Upon A Time & Revenge. EXCELLENT shows & the chili was really tasty! and for dessert, al brought us home chocolate shakes. the remainder of mine is in the freezer for later. woot! : ) i have some CUTE leyton pictures from saturday night, but can't find my sd card exchanger thingy - it slipped out of its bag & is somewhere in my purse ... which i'll clean out soon-ish...maybe... LOL but, so i wanted some snuggle time w/ leyton, so he hopped on my lap & then he wanted me to tickle him, so i did, and then he tickled me, and THEN he figured out that my feet are super ticklish & tortured me until bath time! LOL i don't mind being tickled, but the only thing i was worried about was accidentally kicking him in the head or something from it, ya know?? oye. lil stinker! *laugh* love him!! : ) ummm...what else has been going on? tomorrow i am having lunch w/ my boss's boss's boss & another co-worker, as part of a networking thing our activities committee put together. i think we're getting jimmy john's. should be good! and interesting - both guys are heavily into sports, and while i enjoy sports sporadically, i am not in any way shape or form INTO them - like, i couldn't tell you who's on what team or anything (other than CJ, thanks to marianne! LOL). so maybe i'll learn something... i do have a couple work-related questions i want to ask both men, as well, so ... we'll see! : ) i think that's all for now. the neighbors are playing their R&B/jazz/rap quite loud & the bass is rather soothing... and my book is calling for me to get lost in it again! i hope your week has started out well! TTFN!

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

so, i'm not worried about it in a scared fashion. just in a ... well, okay. oh, hi! how are you? i hope you've had a GREAT week so far! mine has been pretty good, altho today i was having a sad day, and i've been pretty stressed out over the sheer amount of work i have to do, and not having TIME to get it all done before there's more! so, the sanity thing. what's the difference between a crush & obsession? and how do you know if you've tipped the scales to scary territory? i don't want to be scary. :( but sometimes i feel like the sheer intensity of my feelings is something ... other. like, why can't i stop thinking about him? i'm boy crazy, i admit that all the time. i came into the boy crazy thing late, altho actually i think it's just that it's been RE-surfacing lately not that i've never been boy crazy. LOL reading back through past journals, i've always loved to flirt. it's just that before i wasn't quite so open about loving to flirt? maybe? oh, i don't know. i had a little bit of wine at the chef auction tonight and my thoughts are a little scattered. : ) it was really good wine, tho! a mascato? i think? idk how you spell it. but i liked it! oh yes, i went to a chef auction tonight for the march of dimes. my friend tina had some extra tickets & nicki's hubby was a participant, so i definitely wanted to go! and today i was really missing dad. just when i think i'm okay w/ halloween, someone says something & i feel like crying & i'm at work so i can't cry. well, i guess i could, and i guess i have before, but i'd really rather not. ya know? ANYWAY, so a night out w/ the girls was just what was needed (and just to help you assess - my first thought when i said that was "other than a sighting of my work-crush, because his smile always makes me happy and is just what i need!")!! : ) so, our table was full of fun - nicki, tina, tina's nieces, her friend diana (? i think) & our friend gail. we tried many delectable things, but of course doug's was the best! (NOT just saying that. he really does deserve all the accolades he gets. he is TALENTED!)did i take pictures? because, you know, that used to be a big thing w/ me. sadly, i did not. while i have no issues taking pictures at porkapalooza, this venue seemed more... erm... "adult"? i was going to say hoity toity, but it wasn't snobby at all & that's kinda what that phrase implies. but, there were a lot of ppl from my company there at other tables, including my boss's boss's boss, with whom i was able to chat for a bit, and that was nice! but he's kinda ... i never really know about him, if he likes me or tolerates me. so i didn't know if he (and not just him, but the room at large) would think taking pictures was appropriate... and while i normally wouldn't care, really, i did a little tonight.so. there aren't any pictures, sorry! but it was fun, and it was delicious, and i'm glad i didn't start to have a panic attack until after i'd eaten & gotten to chat w/ my friends!!! : ) but when i started to feel twitchy, i booked it outta there!and i'm glad i left when i did, because i was able to chat w/ anthony a bit, and w/ april. finally! it felt like we had weeks of catching up to do! now, i am off to read & hit the hay. so tired!!! i'm reading The Accidental Vampire & might get to finish it before bed... : ) monday after work i went to the book rack & picked up Eat, Prey, Love by kerrelyn sparks, and stayed up way too late finishing it. it's part of a new vampire/shapeshifter series i discovered w/ the reading of The Secret Life of a Vampire, also purchased at the book rack, last week. LOL this series is now on my list to collect, because the books made me laugh out loud many times, and i love them!! i especially love how every author has a different take on vampires shapeshifters. there are so many backstories & whatnot. mmmm! anywhoo! *HUGS* happy almost the weekend, ppl! keep me in prayer, if you think of it. october is a hard month for me normally, but w/ all the added stress, i do honestly feel myself slipping into depression mode more than i like. i put on a happy face a lot, because i AM happy and i WANT to be happy, but then when the depression hits, i feel guilty for it and tend to try to be MORE happy and ... anyway. just keep the prayers coming my way. thanks much!!ttfn!

Thursday, 4 October 2012

then proceeded to spill a big glob of vanilla yogurt right in the middle of one of my favorite shirts.

there was no way to hide it.

i tried to wash it off, and of course it only got bigger.

thankfully, i had brought my jean/flannel shirt with me as a jacket, so i went to the loo to change.

guess who was coming in while i was headed there?

yep.

work-crush!

lol

i managed to say hello & how are you & answer him back w/o too much hassle, but then i couldn't resist explaining the spot & fact that i was carrying an extra shirt w/ me... *laugh*

God is good, tho, all the time.

that spilled yogurt & ensuing craziness gave me an opportunity to IM said work-crush an apology for being spazzy in the hall. : ) and then we got to chat about coffee for a little bit.

i wish...

oh, anyway, while none of that helped me in any way, shape or form get over mr crushtastic, it did truly make my day full of smiles!

and also, too much coffee. *laugh*

it was also a very busy day, payroll cutoff & a TON of claims. thankfully, my email & phone were fairly quiet, but had just enough action going on that - combined w/ the celebratory lunch of pasta from a local italian restaurant for customer service week - i ended up working 45 minutes late. i emailed my boss to see if she wants me to put the OT on or just leave 45 minutes early tomorrow. i'm good with either option!

lunch was DELISH! i ate at my desk & didn't take my normal reading break for lunch, which is a testament to how busy i was, because A Stroke of Magic is really enjoyable!! : )

what else? hmmm.

went to mom's after work (btw, i forgot my yogurted shirt in my drawer. ugh, i really hope it doesn't stain!!) & watched Elementary from last week, which she'd DVR'd for me. love it!!

she also kindly bought me a tank of gas & some groceries. thankful for her kindness!!

i think that's all i wanted to share about today.

it's nice that i was wanting some good food & a work-crush sighting, and i got a lovely conversation to boot! of course, that just makes me want more... *sigh*

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

the past week has been pretty nice. i got to hang out w/ aunt jan (& see Pitch Perfect, which i'd never even heard of, and i LOVED it! someone get me the soundtrack for my birthday? pretty please? :) ) & also mom & leyton, and that's always quite lovely! : ) we played yahtzee, and leyton got to keep his own score, and watching him write his numbers, while saying the cute little rhymes to remember how to draw them... magic! i have loved watching his mind work forever and it just gets more & more awesome! he makes me wish i had money to take him all over the place, to give him the experiences that would shape his little brain into even more inquisitiveness, more thoughtfulness... *sigh* alas, i don't even have the money at the moment to ... well, that's beside the point. *laugh* i spent a few dollars on books today that i should have waited to spend, but i needed something to center me after my day. the new book rack is open, and the smell of books - i can't even explain it. i hadn't even planned to go, but then i had to take that road to return my movie from the weekend (Chronicle. did not like. blech. happy it was free!), and i wanted to see if the new store was open, and then it was, and then... mmmm! i walked in & took a deep breath & instantly felt that "i'm home" feeling. i wandered the new shelves, in the bigger store, and just ran my hands along the bindings, picking one up here & there, reading the back. and then i went on the actual hunt, for a couple books. found one (second chronicles of nick book). yay! i need to do a little research into maggie shayne books. i like her serial stuff, have for years, but i know she writes a couple series, too, so ... have to look into that. AFTER i've collected all my lynsay sands books! sadly, did not find what i was looking for w/ those... *pout* today was a good day, really, but still my twitchy feeling was there. some of our Leadership paid a visit for my area's 15th anniversary, and they came around & shook hands w/ everyone & they're all super nice! but they're just ppl, ppl! i mean, there was some fawning going on. and i don't fawn. i like to think that i treat everyone equally, whether you're the president of the company or the dude who cleans the bathrooms - i hope i do! but, due to the empathy thing, and feeding off other ppl's emotions & whatnot, when other ppl are being all fawny or whatever, it sets me on edge. not in an annoyed way or anything like that (it amuses me)! it's just that then all that tension swirls around me & makes me... twitchy. LOL AND THEN, also, there's the fact that while we waited for the leadership group to get back for the presentation, i flitted around saying hi to ppl & being all social butterfly-y, and where i ended up (semi-purposefully, i will admit) was close to where my work crush ended up (ppl tend to stand in the same general areas at these meetings, and so knowing the general area he usually stands in... LOL). and so then i was trying to pay attention to the presentation while catching a much-needed glimpse of my work crush, hoping he'd be smiling about something... *laugh* and then seeing him & not being able to talk to him kinda just made it worse. *sigh* i should wish that i didn't like him so much, i really should. i prayed when the whole crush thing started that if we were meant to have any sort of relationship that he would say something to me, and he didn't, and w/ all of that in my prayer i said "if it's not Your will, then just help me to be okay w/ it." and i am okay-okay. i'm not sobbing into my pillow or anything. *laugh* but i do think of him an awful lot, and am starting to get really annoyed w/ myself because i can't seem to NOT think of him, even tho i KNOW he's not interested, there's nothing there, etc., etc., argument to myself ad nauseum! i still, every once in a while thru the day find him crossing my mind, wondering what he's doing, wondering if he's started dating anyone yet, wondering wondering wondering. blech. it's really irritating. i'm going to be 36 in a month for pete's sakes! where is my maturity? and even as i write that, i'm wondering if i'll get to see him at lunch tomorrow, and if i'll work up the nerve to talk to him - which is crazy, it's not like i haven't talked to him! *eye roll*really, are you bored w/ me yet? i'd smack myself, but fear it wouldn't really help, and i'm not really the violent type. ANYWAY.back to other things. sunday i went over to trish's for dinner & to watch Once Upon A Time & Revenge (*happy dance*). i'd been hoping that my one bad day would be sunday, so that it wouldn't interfere w/ work, but alas the bad day didn't start til later on sunday & so i stayed home sick on monday. thankfully the 24 hour rule still applied & i was ready to face the fun on tuesday! and i only had about 200 emails to get through! lol while home, i read The Host, which i borrowed from trish. i'm not sure i really liked it. i wanted to like it! trish really likes it! i did really like the ending, so that's a plus. *laugh* i'm going to read thru it again later & see if i like it more then... i also read Genie Knows Best, which i REALLY enjoyed. that's a keeper for sure. then i read A Taste of Magic & am now reading the sequel, A Stroke of Magic. they're written differently, and i am highly enjoying the writing style. and i love the plots! but there is not enough hero/heroine time in them for me, i think. i think that was my problem w/ the host, too... but we'll see. i need to do some cleanup, but that will have to wait because for now, i am heading over to mom's for Survivor. : ) i think i'll go over there sunday night, as well, to watch my shows this week since trish is busy. : ) i hope your week is going well! if you feel like sharing any fun work-or-other-crush stories, please do so! ttfn!(oh, i have to remember to download some pictures from leyton's visit friday night. we had some fun!) : )

About Me

My God is an AWESOME God. He has blessed me so much, and I love Him with all my heart! : ) I love to write, read (a LOT of) other ppl's blogs, hang out, try new things & write about them!
Speaking of - my work is copyrighted to me alone, so please don't use any of my work for something without my permission.