If Virginia Tech goes to the BCS National Championship Game, I'll be sure to do the play-by-play and I'll include a heartwearming story about how Virginia Tech rose from this tragedy to make it to a BCS National Championship.

Don't get mad at me because you thought of the same thing! If people are really having trouble with this joke, just pretend the victims were wearing army fatigues and standing in Iraq and this will make it much easier to ignore.

The police identified the shooter as Long Duck Dong, of Shermer, Ill. Witnesses claim that they heard the assailant running through the halls, popping caps, screaming, “No more yanky, my wanky, the Donger Needs Food!”

The Autumn Wind is a Hater!

The Hater Nation is back where it belongs. Turns out, we were too lazy to sellout. So unless somebody wants to give us $100K per year to tell McKenzie Phillips' jokes, we are probably going to be found here for a while.

Last and Ten Obvious Admissions We Would Like to See

10.Peter King admits it ... he really wants to sex up Brett Favre. And he wants to give Tom Brady a coffee enema.

9. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones admits that his face is as real as Joan Rivers' face.