A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked
and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle
his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and
give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle
even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Inconclusive travel plans for Fall of 2015

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go
alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no
one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on
physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too
often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing
and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible, but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age
thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

I have been in Deepdoodoo many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

Cowboys and

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman, Montana,
awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer. Another is
a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist
Arab student from the Middle East, newly arrived at Montana State University.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that
the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his
big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds
around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. "At one time
here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an
eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now
we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness
beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and
Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'".

The Gospel According to St. Titleist

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of
dealing with him across a desk. ~Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players
become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. ~John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is
playing golf. ~Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be
played far better than it is. ~Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than
that. ~ Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd
starve to death. ~Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. ~William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the
fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. ~Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he
makes a hole-in-one. ~Bishop Sheen

11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~
Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on
top. ~Pete Dye

14. I'm hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them!
~Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. ~Billy Graham

16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~Jack Lemmon

17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still
rolling. ~Mark Twain

18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of
them. ~Raymond Willis

20. May the ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters or small round sandy
regions. ~Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it
straight, it's a miracle. ~All Us Hackers

22 The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
~George Deukmejian

23. Remember Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a
bagpipe. ~Lee Trevino

So I asked my Doctor,

"Doctor, what are we going to do about this dangerous virus from Africa?"

And he said, "I don't know, he has two more years in office."

50 Shades of Golf

Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two
days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't
going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with
four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting
you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my
living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked,
'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took
my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She
told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do
whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.

She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her.
"If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and
follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She
followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out
and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever
got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you
want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

Irish Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he
found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little
guy, reviving him.

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my
pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How
many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a
week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small
parish.'

Chicken Logic - Old Butch

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and ten
roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was
replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to
the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he
noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd
sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an
overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch
the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the
"Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could
figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at
sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying
attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

My new book

You may, or may not know it but I've been very busy over the past 2 years putting my
thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. I am very proud of the results and in
order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a
copy. Here's the Table of Contents from my new book, "Winning Golf Strategies,"
which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I've
gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of my golfing
partners.

Table of Contents:

Chapter 1 - How to properly line up your Fourth putt.

Chapter 2 - How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.

Chapter 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.

Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off the shank.

Chapter 5 - When to give the Ranger the finger.

Chapter 6 - Using your shadow on the greens to confuse your opponent.

Chapter 7 - When to implement Handicap Management.

Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post...Undetected.

Chapter 10 - How to rationalize a 6-hour round.

Chapter 11 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.

Chapter 12 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13 - How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.

Chapter 14 - How to relax when you are hitting three off the tee.

Chapter 15 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.

Chapter 16 - God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.

Chapter 17 - When to re-grip your Ball Retriever.

Chapter 18 - Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.

Chapter 19 - Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a
$3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.

Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy.

Old Sea Story

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and
afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it
would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors' berth deck and announced, "The
Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He
continued, "David Morris, you change with Art Tuesburg, McCarthy, you change with
Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Someone may come along and promise "Change", but
don't count on things smelling any better.

Seniors in the Military

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You
can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You
shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every ten seconds. Old guys
only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional
seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous
soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' Were bad-tempered and
impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ***hole that desperately deserves it will make
us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to
pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm
already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact,
name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.... We're used to getting screamed and yelled at
and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been
using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and
yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however..... I've been in combat and never
saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups
after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too..... I've never seen
anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave or to
start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap
has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life
before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists..... The last thing an enemy would want to
see is a couple million hacked off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who
know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50.... in menopause! You think MEN have
attitudes? Ohhhhhhhh my goodness!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll
have it secured the first night!

Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 81 and Rebecca, age 80, living in Florida , are all excited about their
decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they
pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

The coaches put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears the only thing that was
missing - a good quarterback. He scouted all the colleges, the Canadian, the European
leagues he couldn't find a ringer who could insurers Super Bowl win. Then one night he was
watching Fox, he saw a war zone scene in the West Bank. In a corner of the background he
spotted the young Israeli soldier. Really incredible arm. Threw hand grenades straight
into a fifteen story window 100 yards away then he threw another hand grenades 75 yards
right into a chimney - kablooey. Then he threw another at a passing car going ninety miles
an hour - bullseye.

Coach thought "Hey, I gotta get this guy he has the perfect arm." So he
brings this guy to the states and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go
on to win the Super Bowl.

After the Bears won the Super Bowl this young man was a great hero of football. And the
coach will give him anything so the coach says "hey, what do you want?"

"Well, I wanna call my mother." So he calls his mother and he says, "Mom
I just won the Super Bowl."

She says, "I don't wanna talk to you, you are not my son."

"Hey, mom I don't think you understand, I've won the greatest sporting event in
the world and I'm here among thousands of adoring fans."

"No let me tell you," says his mother. "At this very moment there are
gunshots all around us, the neighborhood is a pile of rubble your two brothers were beaten
within an inch of their lives last week. And I have to keep your sister in the house so
she doesn't get raped." And she added, "I'll never forgive you for making us
move to Chicago."

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed
obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it
and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been
returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis ' 3:10". Reaching for his
Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins
'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the
garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

Scam Targets Older Men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark
parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on
in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace when the
weather warms.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco customers.
This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam
while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to
your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy
T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say
'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one
of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other
one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, &
29th. Also June 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times
last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men.
Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at Dollar
General and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already
lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Costco, Lowe's, and Home Depot.

The Old Cow

Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road and a Limo driving late at night hits it head on
and the car comes to a stop. The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive manner,
says to the chauffeur "You get out and check on that poor cow."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared
to be very old.

Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that
lighted farmhouse over there"

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his hair
ruffled, with a big grin on his face. "My God, What Happened to You?" asks the
woman.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of
single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to
me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.

Well, I just knocked on the door, and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy
Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

Don't you just love a story with a happy ending?

Tough Shit Amigo

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona
immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and
told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife
and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I
want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new
shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with big three-car garage
in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives
who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here" --- and PING-- in
the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long
driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead
of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have
white skin like Americans" --- and --- PING -- The man was instantly transformed
wearing worn-out jeans, a Boston Red Sox T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth
back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new
house?"

The fairy said: "Tough shit, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to
fend for yourself."

New Sales Job

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under
one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he
gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked
up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and
looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our
sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We
have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have
been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda
bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how
much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his
Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him
that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a
TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said,
'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who
had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the
discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to
women!"

IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred
Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on
a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car
went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he
saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed
the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve,
a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed
with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering
strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside
and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence
enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying, and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy
night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing
John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look Paddy, there's that
idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband

A wife comes home late one evening, and quietly opens the door to the Master Bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat
and starts whacking the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning,
she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, leaning on the counter, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit, so l let 'em
stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello"?

Do this in the U.S. and you'll go to Jail for a hate crime!

A devout Arab Muslim in London hailed a black cab down and then entered it. He curtly
asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he
must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially
Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, got out and opened the
passenger door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off
and wait for a camel".

News Flash - Another boat intercepted off the Texas coast!!

The Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the Texas coast today. This placed the
Navy in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to the US, but towards Mexico and
Central America.

Another surprise finding was the people were white American retirement age seniors.
Their claim was that they were trying to get to Central America or Southern Mexico they
wanted to return to the US as illegal immigrants. Then they would be entitled to far more
benefits than they were receiving as legitimate American retirees.

It is believed the Navy gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their
journey. We are booking on the next boat out. Let me know if you want to join us; however,
only if your of retirement age.

THREE WOMEN

Three women went down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They got
drunk and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning,
though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any
last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the
almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on
their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just
graduated from Indiana University School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to
intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to
their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the
University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and
I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug that thing.

Wisconsin Logic

A man and his wife moved back home to Wisconsin from Arizona. The husband had a wooden
leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 a year!!!

When they arrived in Wisconsin, they went to Sven's Insurance agency to see how much it
would cost to insure the wooden leg.

Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Wisconsin to insure,
because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona!!!

Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here is it on the
screen, direct from Ole's Wisconsin Fire Insurance

Company, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is
$39.00".

I always did find Wisconsin logic far superior to most others.

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the
phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone, 'Mommy can't come to
the phone to talk to you right now, she's hitting the bottle.'

NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he
was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for
cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you
ever seen a little boy before?'

POLICE

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I
gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring
in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said,
'What'd he do?'

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to
take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the
various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I
found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will
never believe this!'

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the
intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and
his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they
had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and
with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the
old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked
at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look
what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's
underwear!'

Stanley Cup Final

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at
center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and
asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to
together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone
else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his
head.

"No," he says. "They're all at the funeral."

The Light Turned Yellow

The light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the
crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she
missed her chance to get through the intersection.....dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face
of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands
up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed,
and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was
escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her
personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car
while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue
streak at him. I noticed the 'What

Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me
to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the
trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

You think you have a problem?

A man from Kuala Lampur tells his wife that he has a business appointment in Beijing
for the weekend.

He informs her that he will fly on Malaysia Airlines flight MH370.

Now, he's been stuck for 5 weeks in his girl friend's house and doesn't have the
faintest idea how to go home.

When God Sends Help, Don't Ask Questions

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she
had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old
motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He
got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get
home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car
was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice
man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I
was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a
Professional!"

Is GOD great or what!?!

Sister Mary Ann

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds
visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco
gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her
that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was
returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and
walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas
and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with
gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

Children's Sermon

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon. He asked the children if they knew
what the Resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but
at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very
dangerous.

In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand. The priest called on him and
the boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours
you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to
continue.

Tiffany's

A lady walks into tiffany's.... She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet
and walks over to inspect it...as she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly
farts...very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little
woops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near...

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman
standing right behind her...good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of
the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like tiffany's... He politely
greets the lady with, 'good day, madam. How may we help you today???'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her
little 'incident', She asks, 'sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'madam..... If you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I
tell you the price.'

Semper Fi

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House -
carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are Authentic Arkansas Razorback
Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the
House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said, "Excellent
trade, sir."

"RETARDED" GRANDPARENTS

Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do.

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away
from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a
big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a
tin box that has wheels, but its strapped to the ground. They ride around on their
bicycles, and wear name tags , because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it
is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a
swimming pool too, but they all just jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches
all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they
just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people
can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to
the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I
should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be
the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their
grandchildren.

Taxi Driver

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Midway airport leaned over to ask the
driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver
screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped
just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said,
"Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize
that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

The Tiny Cabin

A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains
of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the
tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the
door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here," said the kid.

But...," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to
intervene in this situation) "Are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the
outhouse!"

Christmas Golf

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would
be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to
the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out
a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The
first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring
that she can't take her eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I
gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the
manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost
their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my
wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning --
intercourse or golfcourse --'

She said, "Don't forget your sweater."

Flight Announcement

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain
announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293,
non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a
smooth, uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"

Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally
spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled: "For the luvva
Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"

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