Santa Answers E-mail

 Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send
you a nice book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the
space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa

 Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the
world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

 Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want
a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more
fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa

 Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get
back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging
her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

 Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please
see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these
stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me
get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa

 Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a
tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa

 Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer
outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a
kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa

 Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time
squeezing cocktail waitresses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted
to know!
Santa

 Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa