Thorns but not really.

father

3 years. It’s been 3 years since you’ve left. I never went to say goodbye, because I never believed you were leaving. I knew the tremendous pain and suffering you were going through, yet somehow, I couldn’t convince myself that there will be no “you” anymore. And you know what? I still don’t. I still do not believe that you are gone forever. No. I don’t. I prefer to think that you’re somewhere out there. You are watching over me. You know my every worry, every struggle, every bit of joy in my life. You are witness to all of it. I don’t believe in afterlife. I never did. Never will. The idea of an afterlife is nothing but romanticism to me. But even then, I still haven’t been able to muster the courage to believe in the absolute absence of you.

I still see you in my dreams. In them, you always look sad, as if you’re suffering even now. And I so badly wish I could do something about that.

No amount of words will ever be enough to describe your sacrifices for your family, the things you’ve smilingly given up, just so that we could live a more comfortable life, just so that we could be a happy family. But that happy family never came to be, due to the string of unfortunate events that plagued your significant other’s mind and turned your own flesh and blood against you.

You didn’t deserve to be treated the way you were treated by your own kin. NO. You didn’t deserve the anger, the loathing, the disgust, the torment, the frustration and the complaints. But those things were always plentiful around us, weren’t they? Those things were always hovering over us. You deserved to be loved and cherished for your beautiful heart that always saw the best in people, even when they didn’t see it themselves.

For 26 years, the only bright spot in my life was you. The only speck of light, of hope, of positivity was you. No matter what happened, what I did, what they did to you, you always believed in me. You always told me to keep moving ahead. You never judged me. You kept an open mind and encouraged me to do the same. You instilled free thinking in me. You motivated me to be my own person and not subject myself to blind faith. I owe the very fabric of my being to you.

I’ve seen your struggle, I’ve seen the hardships you’ve been through. I’ve seen how everything you’ve ever held close to your heart was taken from you. I’ve been witness to the alienation you were subjected to by your own family. I’ve known it all. All too well.

And the more I saw, the less I believed in the word “family”. Families are supposed to be together, right? They are supposed be a unit, right? Well, my experience says something else entirely.

What I wouldn’t give to see you once again, in flesh, just once.

I miss you Baba. I miss you so much. I love you a lot. I’ll always love you a lot.