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SPOOKY'S RESTORE THE ROAR FOOTBALL EXPRESS

First off, I'm trying not to have repeat winners here. Having said that, am I the only one that think Trent Rich is not getting nearly enough pub (what the kids call it) these days? I feel like no one really talks about the killer season he's putting together. He's tied for 4th in touchdowns, is 13th in rushing yards, yet only has 67 (31st) carries on the year. He also catches very well out of the backfield.

Anyway, with Richardson finally out from behind the hairy, pungent, sloping foreheaded shadow of Mark Ingram he's getting a chance to really showcase his NFL caliber skill set. He's also a big reason why Alabama is in the top 5. Let's give him a white girl to cream pie tonight. He's earned it.

Colostomy Bag Award - Denard Robinson's Right Arm (Michigan)

Okaaaaaaaaay, asshole! Time to pull your dreadlocks out of your beef hole. What an absolute fucking joke his passing game has looked like...ALL YEAR. Make him a running back already and get it over with. Quarterbacks aren't supposed to have dreads anyway. They're supposed to be 6'5, 230 pounds with a laser rocket arm, down syndromey/stroke face and a giraffe neck that will need 3 surgeries 15 years from now. Why does Robinson even have a right arm? That's right, so he can hold onto the football with TWO hands when he takes off running. I thought this offense was centered around the idea that Denard became a better passer in the off season. Instead he looks like a black Chad Henne without the sweet leopard tattoo. Completely off the subject, if you want a good laugh watch a Denard Robinson interview. The unintentional comedy scale is through the roof. It's like he's fucking five.

I Guess You're Okay Award - Justin Blackmon (OSU)

For a long time I've had my reservations about Blackmon. His potential to stab a stripper in the vagina with a Hostel torture device created by a Japanese scat porn director is through the roof. But his potential to be a stone cold killer at the next level is even higher than that. I've always felt this scenario is a mortal lock to play out: You know those drunk driving commercials where the guys get pulled over driving shit canned while completely submerged in alcohol? Hilarious, right? Replace the booze with blow and replace the white dude with the receding hairline with Blackmon. Now increase the speed of the vehicle 10 fold. Now have Dez White riding shotgun...while holding a shotgun. Don't act like I'm crazy, you see it too. Despite all of that, I like him. Probably because I love watching talented college wide receivers with mommy issues destroying their lives when they get pornstar money in the NFL.

I Bet You're a Sex Offender Award - Steve Spurrier (South Carolina)

It's about time I came clean. I am public enemy numero uno in Spurrier hatred. I want his head on a stake in my front yard like I'm a Swedish fisherman from 8,000 years ago. Don't ask why because there isn't a clear cut explanation on deck. I've never been a Florida, SC, or anything SEC fan and have no real motivation behind this. He's just one of those guys. We all have them. The people you look at and think, "GOD! What I would fuckin give for just one solid blind cold cock or sudden throat strike. They just have that constant fucktard look about them and nothing they say or do can ever change it. Spurrier's liver spotted body was created in the fiery, cursed uterus of Medusa forged from the scalding, horned sperm of Lucifer himself. If you were unfortunate enough to be forced into a handshake with the Ol' Pedophile you would immediately wash your hands like people did with AIDS victims back in the 80's. Fuck this guy. Eternally.

For Realsies Award - LSU

Even though Les Miles is the ultimate slime ball, probably punches women AND licks his dog's hair covered cock sheath, he has these guys playing lights out and that needs to be recognized. Oh yeah, and they're still without resident criminal Jordan Jefferson at QB. Furthermore, Tyrann Mathieu is captain cocky McBitch tits, but I guess we can let that slide for now since he's backing up his poop mouth on the field. Is he the best corner in the country?

This is My Shocked Face Award - Oklahoma

If you barely beat a hog shit Missoruuh team and have 4 ranked teams left on the schedule let's just say I have my doubts you can run the table and come out clean. I can definitely see Oklahoma doing something fuckin stupid this year...like losing to the ambiguously gay duo of McCoy Shipley 2.0 while their dads touch penis heads in the crowd. I'm also not sure if Landry Jones is as good as advertised. Dare I say, he may actually suck shit dicks? So far all he's proven is that he can fuck up the slow kid (Tulsa). Once a better team crawls into the picture, ol' Jonesy starts looking like a 6th rounder. Something to keep your eye on once Oklahoma starts playing better teams.

There it is. A special shout out to the refs of the Toledo/Syracuse game for attempting to review an obvious missed PAT with their buttholes instead of their eyes. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll never officiate another game where the players are older than 14. There's no pressure in those games...unless this team is involved. Notice the perfectly executed truck stick at the :31 mark. Enjoy that and the pathetic lives you've created for yourself and deserve. Finally, by the time you read this the Redskins should be 4-0. Suck boners.

-- White Sox granted Ozzie Guillen his release, and Ozzie goes back to Miami to manage the Marlins. Ozzie's quick-trigger tongue won't last very long with Florida's quick-tempered owner Jeffrey Loria.

-- Cardinals/Braves both lost, Atlanta still leads NL Wild Card race by a slim game. Losing to the Astros has to sting St Louis.

-- Rays won, Boston lost, teams are now tied for AL Wild Card; Red Sox are sending Erik Bedard out to save their season Tuesday. Red Sox are 2-19 this month when scoring less than 12 runs.

-- 12 of 16 NFL games this week were decided by 7 or less points.

-- Redskins lost their three visits to Jerry World by a combined total of six points. Tough to lose when you don't give up a touchdown.

-- Our condolences to the family of Arch West, a Frito-Lay marketing executive credited with inventing Doritos, who passed away of natural causes last week at age 97. I love Doritos, so thank you, Mr West.

13) Michael Vick needs to stop complaining; guy should kiss the ground in thanks every day, for having a job that still pays him millions. Instead, he complains because he thinks he’s treated unfairly by league’s referees, playing an unspoken but very much inferred race card. NFL quarterbacks get paid millions, but part of the job’s downside is occasionally you get beat up pretty good. Get over it, pal. Count your blessings.

12) Caddy Joe LaCava quit working for Dustin Johnson to become Eldrick Woods’ new caddy. Interesting decision, and not a no-brainer; over the last two years, Johnson earned $8,783,083, Woods $1,924,628. Johnson is ranked 5th in the world, Woods 50th.

Woods hasn’t won since the infamous night he ran his car into a tree outside his house, with his future ex-wife chasing him with a 7-iron. Am curious to see how this turns out.

11) NBA people are going to be surprised (or maybe not) at how little they’re missed when the season’s tip-off comes and goes without games being played. Players’ union is going to have to cave in this dispute, or there won’t be a season.

10) NHL stands to benefit from the NBA’s troubles; I for one, am either buying the NHL or NBA package on DirecTV. Not both, because a day is only so long and I’ll have the college basketball package too, so its either NBA or NHL. If NBA hasn’t settled by mid-October, then the NHL gets my $170, or whatever it is now.

9) If I’m running the Big IV conference, I say good riddance to Texas A&M, add Memphis/Louisville/SMU and I’m back to being the Big 12. Would improve the league’s basketball and hurt football, but not as much as you think. SMU would become a power again if they elevate to the Big 12. They have boosters with very deep pockets.

8) It takes onions for a bigtime football program (in this case, South Carolina) to schedule Navy, because simply put, you can lose, and there ain’t much upside in beating them, since you’re a 14+-point favorite and they’re a service academy.

7) Pittsburgh Pirates used 52 different players this season, most they’ve ever used in one season. It didn’t help.

6) Ray Lewis III plays high school football, and he’s pretty good, running ball for 384 yards on 27 carries in a recent game. Not sure what level a prospect he is, but how would you like to be the college coach going into that house on a recruiting visit?

5) Manager of the Year races are so clearcut this season, even Captain Obvious could get them right; Joe Maddon/Kirk Gibson.

4) Cubs have around $50M coming off their books this winter; will be curious how aggressive they’ll be in free agent market. Their new owner is an avid fan who seems to get it, but we’ll know more after this winter.

3) I laugh every time I hear some college yahoo say the term “student-athlete”. When TCU’s “student-athletes” make road trips to Villanova and Georgetown next year, and miss several days of classes in process, just so the Horned Frogs can get a piece of the BCS cash that is out there, tell me if they’re more “student” or “athlete”.

2) Former NFL coach Steve Mariucci works on NFL Network now; he has one of the tougher jobs on TV, working on the Sunday night highlight show with Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin. Keeping those two in line, especially when everyone starts talking over everyone, ain’t an easy task. Mariucci is the voice of reason on what isn’t a bad highlight show.

1) Red Sox shouldn’t be talking about firing Terry Francona, they should be planning where to put the statue of him that should be built. He’s done a great job in a tough city. If they let him go, he’ll have a new job within 10 minutes, if he wants another job. Sometime next summer, Sox fans will be wondering why they let Francona go.

Here we go. Not something I usually like to do but going to throw out some plays very early in the week since I will be out of town. I will get Greek and the Bob to post a few that is worthy this weekend but here are a bunch that I am looking at right now.

9) Jacksonville has had 34 drives in three games, with two TDs; the only drive they had a snap inside the opponents’ 20-yard line, they kicked a FG. Their second TD was a fluke, going 75 yards in 0:17 in two plays in a monsoon in Charlotte, when they weren’t even trying to score.

This team is going to have trouble selling tickets the rest of the year, which could wind up paving the way for a move to Los Angeles.

3) Teams who have gone 3/out the most on offense: Bears 19 (on 38 drives), Seahawks 16 (34), Colts-Jags-Chiefs-Rams-49ers, all with 13.

2) These last two category pertain to drives that start 50-79 yards from the goal line. Teams are usually more aggressive when starting in this area: Raiders 3.78, Patriots 3.73, Saints 3.00, Bills 2.97, Ravens 2.70.

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