Thursday, October 25, 2012

This morning was tough on me. And as much as I enjoy talking and sharing with you, the realistic and pragmatic words from you somehow only made me feel even more sorry for myself. I know you're trying to help me realign my life, and hoping that you can help me find my purpose. it's just that the words and the way you presented them to me, somehow isn't resonating well. I admire your traits of being factual, it's just not bringing me much value at the moment.

I know what the facts are. I know realistically what would entail. I don't really need another person to remind me what is fact and what is real. I just needed someone who would let me rant it all out, and offer me a kind shoulder to lean on for a while, without offering to judge my words and actions. You telling me what I already know, somehow only made me feel more sorry for myself. And I'm trying very hard not to let that affect me, to take charge of my life.

It wasn't fair to me when you say I still cannot accept what had happened. That is not true, that much I can tell you. I have already come to accept the loss. I have already come to accept that my initial purpose died that day in September. I just need time to emotionally heal, is that too much to ask? I can't switch things off the way you do, you are wired differently from me. I am not blaming anyone nor myself anymore. For you to say that I haven't accepted the loss, those words were not fair to me. I didn't deserve those words, not one bit. Please don't say those words to me again, you have hurt my feelings.

My struggle now is not about accepting the loss, I have already accepted it and I am already pass that. My struggle now is finding a purpose. Finding who I want to become. What is my intent? What is my likeness, my commitment, my metrics? How do I want to measure myself? How do I want to measure my life?

Over the last few weeks, I have come to also realize, that I have made a mark in some people's lives, something which I didn't come to notice at first, because I didn't think much of it. Then I started thinking back, on the feedback which I had received from some good friends, and from you.

I have learnt that I am everything to you. I have learnt that I have given you everything. I also learnt that I have been the inspiration to a small group of people in my life, directly or indirectly. Just the other day, a friend who had completed her first 10K run, tweeted to me that it was because of me, she was inspired to run her first 10K. I didn't realize how, but her words lifted my spirits and put a smile to my face. And I thank you for saying those kinds words to me Sofia (I have yet to complete my first 10K run though, a nonstop run, had to stop training due to knee & internal/emotional injury). My close girl friend confides in me and relies on me to keep her grounded about the important things in life. My sister who lives in a different state relies on my support, mentally and emotionally. I have to start seeing that I am a good person, and have in one way or another, inspired the people around me to be a better person, no matter how small my contribution may be. I have to start being kinder to myself, to acknowledge that I too am capable of making a difference, however small.

‎"While many of us might default to measuring our lives by summary statistics, such as number of people presided over, number of awards, or dollars accumulated in a bank, and so on, the only metrics that will truly matter in my life are the individuals whom I have been able to help, one by one, to become better people." - Prof. Clayton M. Christensen, Harvard Business School

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