Now that he's dallied with Sharon Stone, won multiple Razzies, and given the world the immortal line, "It must be weird not having anybody cum on you," what's left for screenwriter Joe Eszterhas? According to the Toledo Blade, the multi-hyphenate has turned to God (and not the sort of "God!" you might moan while having explosive sex with Kyle MacLachlan in a Vegas pool). Having departed Hollywood for the more "wholesome" Cleveland, Eszterhas was taking a walk one day when he became out of breath and had a surprising realization:

He plopped down on a curb and cried. Sobbed, even. And for the first time since he was a child, he prayed: "Please God, help me." Mr. Eszterhas was shocked by his own prayer. "I couldn't believe I'd said it. I didn't know why I'd said it. I'd never said it before," he wrote. But he felt an overwhelming peace. His heart stopped pounding. His hands stopped twitching. He saw a "shimmering, dazzling, nearly blinding brightness that made me cover my eyes with my hands."

We've gone through that same thing, Joe, only it was prompted by the first Elizabeth Berkeley full-frontal scene from Showgirls
. Still, now that Eszterhas has seen the light, he is taking Hollywood to task for providing audiences with nothing but the smut that used to earn him $3 million paychecks:

He said that living in the heartland, he sees how much Hollywood producers are out of touch with most Americans. "I find it mind boggling that with nearly 70 percent of Americans describing themselves as Christians, and witnessing the success of The Passion of The Christ and The Chronicles of Narnia, that Hollywood still doesn't do the kinds of faith-based and family-value entertainment that people are desperate to see," Mr. Eszterhas said.

Though apparently they're not that desperate — after all, the Narnia
sequel Prince Caspian
barely grossed half of the haul for The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe
, and this is a franchise that's only on its second installment. Perhaps the third film needs a shot in the arm from Mr. Joe Eszterhas — we can't wait for the high-profile rewrite that adds in girl-on-centaur action (as well as a whole lot more beaver shots
). [photo credit: AP]