Community Review

Movie Review

Cards on the table, when I first picked up the review for As Above, So Below my first thought was “how shitfaced can I get and still legally buy a ticket to this?” But then something magical happened. No, my letter to Hogwarts is still seventeen years overdue, but the horror gods opened up their psychotic maws and spewed forth glorious terror, leaving me in a quivering mass of fear more intense than that time I passed out in 2009 and woke up in a relationship (I still have nightmares about that).

Accio social life!

As Above, So Below follows Perdita Weeks as “Scarlett”, an intrepid and headstrong mashup of Lara Croft, Benjamin Gates, and Indiana Jones, as she struggles to finish her father’s lifetime quest of discovering the mythical Philosopher’s Stone. Alongside an increasingly not-so-intrepid band of Parisian misfits and an American Robin to her British Batman, Scarlett explores the catacombs of the dead beneath Paris to unearth more than she could’ve ever bargained for. Will she or anyone else sort out the way home or get stuck in hellish Hufflepuff for eternity? Will jump-scares ever not make me awkwardly climb into the middle-aged man’s lap to my right? Will parachute pants ever make a comeback?

God I hope so.

A Toast

After a shakier start than Michael J. Fox trying to play Jenga, As Above, So Below rallied and slowly began building tension, ratcheting up the stakes and playing on the universal fear of what goes Charlie Sheen, I mean Lindsay Lohan, I mean bump in the night. With masterful use of a limited budget and a hands-down claustrophobic set, this movie cobbled together a Blair Witch meets National Treasure meets The Descent meets What Dreams May Come narrative where you knew exactly what was gonna happen and still got sucked in to the horror quicksand anyway.

On the other hand, I heard he’s great at Yahtzee.

To be fair, I’m insanely easy to terrify (just ask the moth that flew by my ankle last week causing me to spastically fling myself into a screen door face-first whilst attempting to escape), but there was enough of a plot to keep the audience engaged-yet-on-the-edge-of-their seats for the majority of the film, despite a lack of total originality. As Above, So Below was a Frankenstein’s monster of thriller/horror genre stereotypes and used the oldest tools in the box, and used them Kate Upton’s ass, I mean Jennifer Lawrence’s leaked nudes, I mean perfectly to create a solid monster-under-your-bed, creature-just-around the corner, hobgoblins-in-the-dark mystical mystery.

And here we have the urban tool in his natural environment.

Beer Two

The terror in As Above, So Below was basically idiot-proof; right environment meets right atmosphere and Play-Doh hamsters could’ve achieved the same effect as the cast (who did a creditable, if not particularly inspired, job). The foreshadowing was also about as subtle as the meth-riddled hand of the hobo whom I assume does Ke$ha’s stage makeup.

You can practically smell the daddy issues wafting off this one.

In addition to a weak beginning, the film had a weaker ending than it deserved, feeling more like a throwaway than anything else. And all the tension that had built up throughout this Euro Trip thriller (I expected at the very least one last gasp, one last hand grasping in the dark, one last death to remind the survivors of the hell they escaped from) dissolved and As Above, So Below ended like most of my relationships, on a whimper and not a bang.

Except picture a grown man sobbing and that’s about dead-on with my last break-up.

Verdict

As Above, So Below isn’t the most original hooker on the block, but she’ll give you one hell of a fear-boner.

About Felix Felicis

Filled with smart-assed sass and armed with the expletives to prove it, Felix Felicis is a critic adrift in a sea of dirty thoughts and tawdry humor. If you see her float by, toss Felix some beef jerky and a taser. She'll take it from there.