Midori explains how to have sex, with props

THE TOOLS OF ROMANCE

Published 4:00 am, Sunday, February 10, 2008

"Midori," a woman who teaches classes on variety of sex play techniques. �2007, San Francisco Chronicle/ Liz Hafalia
MANDATORY CREDIT FOR PHOTOG AND SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE. NO SALES- MAGS OUT.

"Midori," a woman who teaches classes on variety of sex play techniques. �2007, San Francisco Chronicle/ Liz Hafalia
MANDATORY CREDIT FOR PHOTOG AND SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE. NO SALES- MAGS OUT.

Photo: Liz Hafalia

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"Midori," a woman who teaches classes on variety of sex play techniques. �2007, San Francisco Chronicle/ Liz Hafalia
MANDATORY CREDIT FOR PHOTOG AND SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE. NO SALES- MAGS OUT.

"Midori," a woman who teaches classes on variety of sex play techniques. �2007, San Francisco Chronicle/ Liz Hafalia
MANDATORY CREDIT FOR PHOTOG AND SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE. NO SALES- MAGS OUT.

Photo: Liz Hafalia

Midori explains how to have sex, with props

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Actress Phoebe Cates used a banana to demonstrate how to pleasure a man in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." Midori, a San Francisco sex educator and author - a sexpert, if you will - has her students suck on zucchini, sweet potatoes and lollipops while learning techniques.

The former condom saleswoman and onetime Bondage A-Go-Go performer has a few other physical and mental props in her toolbox, too - from silky ropes for tying your partner up in macrame-like knots to suggested rules of engagement for militaristic interrogation during sex play.

If such scenarios don't register even the tiniest blip on your romance meter, you may be in the minority. Lots of people, it seems, want to spice up their love lives, and not necessarily only the sorts who wear neoprene corsets, nipple rings and bun-exposing chaps at the Folsom Street Fair. Look no further than the burst of enthusiasm for pole-dancing exercise classes, Brazilian bikini waxes for women and manscaping (Brazilians for men) as proof that the seamier aspects of sex clubs and skin flicks are making it into the mainstream.

The approach of Valentine's Day is an opportune time for people who might ordinarily visit therapists or friends to come right out in the open in front of strangers and talk about their secret desires - and even take courses in them.

Saucier sex was being sought out by everyone from software engineers in San Francisco to science researchers from Sacramento to housewives in Mill Valley at three recent classes at Bay Area leather and lingerie boutiques taught by Midori, who uses only her first name professionally and asked that her last name not be used for privacy reasons. The San Francisco sex educator lectures on a variety of practices and play at sex conventions around the globe.

In 2007, Midori appeared in 27 cities in the United States, Canada, Germany, the United Kingdom, Jamaica and the Netherlands. This year, she's scheduled to speak in the Bay Area, Dallas, Seattle, Philadelphia, New York, Denver, Las Vegas and Kansas City, as well as abroad in Toronto, Montreal, London, Sydney, Melbourne and Tokyo, to name a few places.

"In the Bay Area," she said, "there are a lot of educated, corporate types who are interested in sexual sophistication - things to broaden their experiences."

Her stints at fetish clubs showed her that "we all have this darkness inside us - that's why we like scary movies," she said. "We don't really want to sleep in a coffin, but every Wednesday night we might dress up in a goth outfit and come to the club and play."

Who's to argue with Midori, who was raised in a feminist household in Japan, has a degree in psychology, is the author of "Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink" and "The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage" and has appeared on HBO and the BBC and in Mademoiselle, Playboy and Der Spiegel?

Born in Tokyo, Midori came to the United States at age 14, studied psychology at UC Berkeley and later became a condom manufacturer's sales representative. In the 1990s, she volunteered at San Francisco Sex Information, a nonprofit that dispenses information about safe sex, reproduction and other human sexuality issues over a telephone call-in line.

"I tend to be a big nerd, so I find human sexual behavior fascinating," she said. "I'm not coming from a pathological assumption but rather more from a place of cultural curiosity and taking pleasure in the wonder and joy that is the human kind. While I was a shy and bookish young woman, in my 20s, rather than wallowing in some sexual insecurity, I became more interested in the creativity and psychology of sexuality."

There's a whole lot of psychology - not just physiology - at play in kinky sex play, she said.

On a recent Friday evening, two dozen people who paid $25 each gathered at the Stormy Leather boutique in SoMa to learn about interrogation - militaristic and otherwise - in sex play. Midori, who arrived in a sweater and pants, changed into a navy knee-length coatdress with stockings and high heels, her hair pinned in an updo. Around her neck, on a long cord, hung an authoritative-looking photo ID. Pacing in front of the audience, she began barking out instructions from a piece of paper about interrogating prisoners, as if she were in the armed forces and training personnel in how to deal with a difficult individual.

"If the prisoner is difficult, dogmatic or cliched, do not hesitate to use force! Your job is to get information vital to your survival, to the survival of our armed forces!" she said sternly.

As it turned out, however, she was not reading from a real field manual, but gay porn. At this revelation, laughter ensued.

"What's the point of being blindfolded?" she asked.

"Getting off!" someone responded, and more laughter ensued.

"Interrogation," she told the class, "is about cops and robbers, with the adult privilege of sexuality. This is not engaging in atrocities, but fantasies of power and surrender and mutual pleasure."

Militaristic fantasies could include boot camp inspection, a Civil War re-enactment or being court-martialed. Other interrogation could be based on corporate espionage, the Spanish Inquisition or principal-student interaction.

One of the finer points about any sex role-playing game, she said, is to find out whether your partner is more attuned to the form and protocol involved (costumes and accents) or the power dynamics of dominance and submission involved.

If someone wants to endure the questioning and instead they're forced to break down, is that good, or has the experience been ruined for them? These are the things that are important to consider, she said.

"Ask them what it is about this that makes them hot," Midori said. "It's important to know why because sometimes people get together for a militaristic scene and it flops."

A 30-year-old Google systems engineer named Michael, who declined to give his last name, was among the students. He said he has a partner in Boston who enjoys formalized interrogations.

"You can play loosey-goosey 'I'll tie you up,' " he said, "but this was a good way to learn to set up a more regimented structured play experience. ... You play with a lot of powerful emotions."

Kelli, 40, an administrative assistant from Sacramento, brought her "love slave," who identified himself only as Red Cell, to the class. They enjoy dressing in fetish wear but don't engage in fantasy role-playing. The most valuable lesson she learned, said Kelli, was "it's really important to understand yourself, and where your motivation comes from."

Midori also teaches a two-day, 16-hour "ropes dojo" class in a private club on Mission Street, where, on a recent Saturday, three dozen people of various ethnicities and ages wound white ropes into cat's-cradle-like shapes on their partners' (clothed) bodies, lacing the strands into intricate knots that came to rest on specific pressure points on the back, pelvis and torso. Was it macrame body art, or erotic sex play, or both?

Easier to understand was "Joystick Secrets," which she taught at Pleasures of the Heart lingerie and sex toy shop in downtown San Rafael on a recent Wednesday night.

Two dozen women ranging in age from their 20s to their 50s, and one husband and wife, showed up to listen to Midori humorously describe - and then demonstrate on vegetables - various ways to use one's tongue, lips, body parts and imagination to provide pleasure to a man.

"Mediocre will do - most guys are just darned happy you even looked at it," she said, referring to the male member. "But ... let's admit it, in love and war, things are competitive. You want to be the one that stands out." Rule No. 1, she said, is "enthusiasm, even if it's faked."

Enthusiasm, she noted, starts before you hit the bedroom - it starts in the hallway when you "accidentally" brush your hand against his nether regions or engage in some "booty cruise" - rubbing your buttocks against the front of his pants. It could also start in a restaurant, with you feeding creme brulee to him - on your finger.

Other tips included the right makeup.

"May I recommend cheap mascara and a lipstick that runs, especially if you're a modest, chaste, elegant woman by day?" Midori inquired. Each student then licked her vegetable and fondled it with silicone lubricant.

Chris W., 44, a marketing manager from Mill Valley, wanted to pick up new techniques because she doesn't enjoy giving oral sex. "Maybe if I could learn some techniques, I might enjoy it more," she said.

Alyssa, 29, who has been married for two years, said she, too, wanted to broaden her repertoire. "It's time," she said. "Things are wavering on the same old."

Her husband, she said, was excited about the class: 'See you when you get home!' is what he said."

-- Sensual tones and the right choice of words can be romantic, even erotic. Sexpert Midori offers pointers in a conversation with reporter Carolyne Zinko. To listen in on Chronicle radio, go to sfgate.com/podcasts.