Sexual
Orientation Discrimination
Sexual orientation discrimination in the workplace occurs
when an employee is subjected to negative employment action,
harassment, or denial of certain benefits because of their
sexual orientation, or the sexual orientation of someone
they are close to. Sexual orientation discrimination has
been part of the workplace in America for decades, and while
federal, state and local laws, as well as increased social
awareness have improved the situation dramatically, many
people who are not heterosexual still face obstacles at work
related to being gay, bisexual, asexual, or pansexual. It is
important for employees to have the right information about
what constitutes discrimination based on sexual orientation,
what constitutes harassment, and how sexual orientation
discrimination can tie in with other prohibited forms of
discrimination like, sex, disability, gender identity, and
marital status.

Sexual orientation discrimination can
affect your job status, your working environment, your
health benefits, and a host of other issues in the
workplace. The law in this area is changing rapidly for the
better. If you feel you might have been discriminated
against because of your sexual orientation, read below for
more information and resources about sexual orientation
discrimination.

1. What is sexual orientation
discrimination?

2. Which federal law covers sexual
orientation discrimination?

3. Are there any other laws which make
it illegal to discriminate on the basis of sexual
orientation?

4. What if I am being harassed by
someone of the same sex or because of my sexual orientation,
how does harassment relate to sexual orientation
discrimination?

5. Are homophobic jokes or slurs
against the law?

6. What if my employer does not know
my sexual orientation?

7. Can I be asked not to discuss my
sexual orientation or display a picture of my same-sex
partner at work?

8. Am I entitled to employment
benefits for my partner and family?

9. Can my employer justify their
discrimination on religious grounds?

10. Can I take leave to care for my
partner or my partner's family members?

11. What is the difference between
sexual orientation discrimination and gender identity
discrimination?

12. Who enforces the law?

13. How can I file a
complaint?

14. What are the remedies available to
me?

15. How much time do I have to file a
charge of discrimination?

1. What is sexual orientation
discrimination?

Sexual orientation discrimination
means treating someone differently solely because of his or
her real or perceived sexual orientation: lesbian, gay
(homosexual), bisexual, asexual, pansexual, or straight
(heterosexual). This means that discrimination may occur
because of others' perception of someone's orientation,
whether that perception is correct or not. It may also occur
based on an individual's association with someone of a
different sexual orientation. Someone who is discriminated
against on the basis of sexual orientation may also be
discriminated against or harassed on the basis of sex,
gender identity, disability (such as actual or perceived HIV
status) or marital status.

Examples of sexual orientation
discrimination include:

Different treatment: you are not
hired, not promoted, disciplined, or fired specifically
because your boss thinks you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or
straight etc. This goes beyond simply being yelled at for
showing up late. Being overlooked for a promotion, wrongful
termination, receiving a write-up with no basis, and other
serious negative employment actions may qualify as different
treatment. Some companies have policies that explicitly
discriminate against lesbian, gay and bisexual employees,
while in other companies the discrimination is more subtle
but no less real. You may find that you start to be treated
differently once you come out as homosexual to coworkers or
place a photograph of your same-sex partner on your desk.
The discrimination may come from just a few people in the
company, from your supervisor, or from the company's
CEO.

Harassment: you are forced to
experience comments about your mannerisms or sexual
activity, sexual jokes, requests for sexual favors, pressure
for dates, touching or grabbing, leering, gestures, hostile
comments, pictures or drawings negatively portraying a
specific sexual orientation, or sexual assault or rape. Your
harasser may be an employer, supervisor, co-worker, or
customer, and may be of the opposite or same sex.

If any of these things have happened
to you on the job, you may have suffered sexual orientation
discrimination.

2. Which federal law covers sexual
orientation discrimination?

In light of the Supreme Court's recent
decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, same-sex couples are
guaranteed by the Constitution, the freedom to marry in
every state and territory, being afforded the same benefits
and protections heterosexuals have always had in marriage.
Outside of the newly clarified right to marry, there is
currently no federal law prohibiting other types of sexual
orientation discrimination. Sexual orientation is not
protected by federal law the way race, color, sex, religion,
national origin, age, and disability are for private
employers. Around two dozen states still don't have
anti-discrimination laws protecting individuals from being
discriminated against on the basis of their sexual
orientation.

Nonetheless, many companies,
workplaces, and legislators are working to change that.
While there are efforts underway to pass additional federal
laws to make discrimination on the basis of sexual
orientation illegal, no bills on this topic have become law
yet.

Despite the Supreme Court ruling that
LGBT Americans can now legally get married, they are still
at risk of being denied services and risk being fired simply
for being married. Due to the lack of legal protections, new
legislation has been introduced but not passed in Congress.
The Equality Act is a comprehensive federal LGBT
non-discrimination act that would provide permanent
protections for LGBT individuals in the most important
aspects of their lives, including but not limited to matters
of employment, housing, access to public places, federal
funding, credit, education and jury service. In addition, it
would prohibit discrimination on the basis of sex in federal
funding and access to public places.

Aside from federal legislation,
President Obama has also pushed for sexual orientation, and
gender identity fairness in the workplace. On July 21, 2014
President Obama signed an Executive Order that amended
previous executive orders and added sexual orientation and
gender identity protections for all federal workers,
including contractors and subcontractors of the Federal
government. Previous executive orders only protected workers
from workplace discrimination on the basis of race, color,
religion, sex, or national origin.

Additionally, many federal government
employees are covered by provisions in the Civil Service
Reform Act of 1978 which prohibit sexual orientation
discrimination. One of these provisions 5 U.S.C. 2302(b)(10)
makes it illegal for any employee who has authority to take
certain personnel actions from discriminating among
employees or job applicants on the basis of conduct that
does not adversely affect employee performance. This
language has been interpreted to prohibit discrimination
based upon sexual orientation.

Currently, 22 states and the District
of Columbia, as well as several hundred municipalities
(counties and cities) also have laws that prohibit sexual
orientation discrimination. 20 of these states prohibit
sexual orientation discrimination in both private and
government workplaces. This number is constantly changing,
so you should also check with an attorney or local gay legal
or political organization to see whether any new laws apply
to you.

3. Are there any other laws which
make it illegal to discriminate on the basis of sexual
orientation?

As noted in the last question, many
federal employees are covered by anti-discrimination
provisions. Since the recent EEOC holding discussed below,
these protections are also extended to private employees who
file EEOC claims. Similarly, some states, counties and
cities, even those without specific laws protecting all
employees, have executive orders and/or civil service
provisions making discrimination on the basis of sexual
orientation illegal for state and/or local governmental
employees. In fact, 22 states and the District of Columbia
have laws explicitly protecting LGBT workers from being
fired because of their sexual orientation. However, this
means that there are still 28 states that allow an employee
to be terminated on the basis of sexual orientation, and in
those states legal remedies are often narrow for private
sector employees.

Many union collective bargaining
agreements (contracts) include an anti-discrimination
provision, which may include sexual orientation. If such a
provision is included in your union contract, it gives you a
basis to file a grievance if you have been discriminated
against because of your sexual orientation. Additionally,
many workplaces are implementing their own rules on this
issue. In fact, 91 percent of Fortune 500 companies prohibit
discrimination based on sexual orientation, and 61 percent
prohibit discrimination based on gender identity.

The Equal Employment Opportunity
Commission (EEOC) has been helping to pave a legal avenue
for those individuals who have been discriminated against in
the workplace based on both gender identity and sexual
orientation. In July 2015 the Equal Employment Opportunity
Commission (EEOC) addressed the question of whether
discrimination against LGBT individuals is covered by the
ban on sex discrimination in Title VII of the Civil Rights
Act of 1964. In a 3-2 vote by the five person independent
commission, the EEOC ruled that existing civil rights laws
do bar sexual-orientation based employment discrimination.
The ruling will apply to federal employees' claims as well
as any private employee who files a claim with EEOC offices
nationwide. The decision says that sexual orientation is
inherently a sex-based consideration and the agency will
look to whether the agency relied on any sex-based
considerations or took gender into account when making the
alleged employment action. While this ruling is recent and
only the Supreme Court can give a conclusive interpretation,
the EEOC ruling is still groundbreaking, and paves the way
for further decisions much like this as Federal courts give
EEOC decisions significant deference. The Justice Department
announced a similar view to the EEOC in December
2014.

The law in this area is constantly
changing, with numerous legislative efforts currently in
progress around the country to add sexual orientation to
state laws, local ordinances, governmental regulations, and
corporate policies. You should check with a local attorney,
gay and lesbian rights organization, or your corporate human
resources department to see whether there have been any
recent changes in the law or policies affecting your
employment. Even if there is not legal protection affecting
your employment, you may be able to encourage your employer
to voluntarily cease discriminatory activity and/or to
educate others in your workplace to help improve your
employment situation.

For more information on which states
have anti-discrimination laws see lgbtmap.org.

4. What if I am being harassed by
someone of the same sex or because of my sexual orientation,
how does harassment relate to sexual orientation
discrimination?

Sexual harassment is a form of sex
discrimination that is prohibited by federal law and the
laws of most states, regardless of whether the state also
has a law against discrimination on the basis of sexual
orientation. However, many courts have focused on the
differences between the two legal concepts to prevent gay
and lesbian employees who have been harassed from having the
same legal protections available to non-gay employees who
have been subjected to similar comments. These courts have
ruled that comments focused on the victim's sexual
orientation represent discrimination on that basis, not
covered under federal law, instead of sexual harassment, a
form of sex discrimination that is covered under federal
law. Other courts have ruled that these types of sexual
comments, as they relate to gender stereotypes, are a form
of illegal sex discrimination under federal law.

Unwelcome sexual advances, requests
for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a
sexual nature is considered sexual harassment, when
submission to, or rejection of, this conduct affects your
employment, unreasonably interferes with your work
performance, or creates an intimidating, hostile or
offensive work environment. The U.S. Supreme Court has
specifically ruled that the victim does not have to be of
the opposite sex to be able to bring a legal claim for
sexual harassment.

Sexual harassment can occur in a
variety of circumstances:

The harasser can be the victim's
supervisor, an agent of the employer, a supervisor in
another area, a co-worker, or a non-employee.

The victim does not have to be the
person harassed but could be anyone affected by the
offensive conduct.

Unlawful sexual harassment may
occur without economic harm to the victim, such as loss
of a job.

The harasser's conduct must be
unwelcome.

Recently, individuals who were
terminated because of their sexual orientation have tried to
sue for sex discrimination under Title VII of the Civil
Rights Act of 1964. Their argument is that they are being
harassed and discriminated against because they do not
conform to male and female stereotypes since being gay is
not considered stereotypically male or female, and they do
not conform to their traditional gender stereotypes. Thus,
their termination should be considered unlawful sex
discrimination. While this argument has received some recent
success, the results have not been consistent overall due to
some early court rulings explicitly holding that Title VII
does not protect sexual orientation discrimination. However,
the EEOC recently issued a decision that sexual orientation
is inherently a sex-based consideration, and that existing
civil rights laws do bar sexual-orientation based employment
discrimination. While only the Supreme Court can provide a
conclusive legal interpretation of the existing civil rights
laws, Federal courts will give EEOC decisions significant
deference, thus paving the road to protection for sexual
orientation.

If you are being sexually harassed,
you should directly inform the harasser that the conduct is
unwelcome and must stop. If you are a union member, it may
also be helpful to contact a union civil rights committee
for appropriate action. You should use any employer
complaint mechanism or grievance system available, as your
employer is under a legal obligation to take immediate and
appropriate action when an employee complains. For more
information, see our page on sexual harassment. If you have
been subjected to these types of comments, you may wish to
consult with an attorney who specializes in sexual
harassment and/or sexual orientation discrimination to
determine what laws may offer legal protection in your
state.

5. Are homophobic jokes or slurs
against the law?

It depends. Jokes or slurs about your
sexual orientation may be considered a form of harassment,
which courts have held is a form of discrimination under the
law. However, federal law and the laws of most states does
not prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated
incidents that are not extremely serious. The conduct must
be sufficiently frequent or severe to create a hostile work
environment or result in a "tangible employment action,"
such as hiring, firing, promotion, or demotion. For more
information, see our page on sexual harassment.

6. What if my employer does not
know my sexual orientation?

You may choose to keep your sexual
orientation a purely private matter; nothing requires you to
disclose this information to your employer if you do not
choose to do so.

However, if you are undergoing
discrimination or harassment at work, you may wish to
disclose your sexual orientation when speaking with your
company's human resources department and/or a member of
management to see whether your employer can work with you to
solve the problems you are facing. Otherwise, your company
may claim it was unaware of your sexual orientation, and as
a result incapable of resolving any discrimination or
harassment against you on the basis of your sexual
orientation.

Also, as more and more people become
aware of their gay co-workers, neighbors, family members,
friends, and professionals, withholding basic civil rights
protections in employment becomes increasingly difficult for
an employer to justify, so you may wish to disclose your
sexual orientation to your employer for that
reason.

7. Can I be asked not to discuss my
sexual orientation or display a picture of my same-sex
partner at work?

If you live in a state or city with
provisions which make discrimination on the basis of sexual
orientation illegal, the answer would generally be no,
especially if other employees are allowed to discuss
activities with their spouses or opposite-sex partners, or
to display pictures of their spouses, opposite-sex partners,
or children on their desks.

In the absence of any legal
protections, however, private sector employees are employed
"at-will," which means the employer has the right to
terminate your employment at any time, for no reason at all
or for any reason (including a bad one), so long as the
reason is not illegal even if your performance has been
outstanding. Therefore, if you disobey your employer's
request, you may find yourself without any legal
recourse.

If you find yourself in this
situation, you may wish to speak with your company's human
resources department, other supervisors and co-workers, or a
local attorney to determine whether you can work with your
employer to resolve this issue. Even if there are not legal
protections affecting your employment, you may be able to
encourage your employer to voluntarily change its
discriminatory policies and/or to educate others in your
workplace to help improve your employment
situation.

8. Am I entitled to employment
benefits for my partner and family?

Many employers subsidize all or a
large portion of health, dental, vision, and other benefits
for spouses and families of married employees without giving
similar compensation to unmarried and/or childless workers
in some other form. Recently the Supreme Court, in
Obergefell v. Hodges held that the recognition of same sex
marriage is a fundamental right guaranteed by the
Constitution. Once married, your spouse and family are
entitled to your employee benefits including health
insurance. Denying benefits solely because you are married
to a person of the same sex violates federal law.
Additionally, some states have domestic partnership laws
which provide the basis for some companies to provide
equivalent benefits to unmarried couples who meet the
state's partnership or civil union requirements.

At the federal level, since the
Supreme Court struck down Section 3 of the Defense of
Marriage Act (DOMA), employers were already required to
provide benefits for both opposite sex and same sex married
couples and their children. That decision, however, only
protected Federal employees, and did not require states to
change their own discriminatory laws. Now, under Obergefell
employee benefit plans, are required by the Constitution to
treat same sex and opposite sex married couples
equally.

Prior to the Obergefell decision, many
employers, even in states where same sex marriage was
illegal, had already extended employee benefits to domestic
partners of gay employees since they did not have the option
to legally wed. And many employers extended those benefits
to opposite sex couples as well. In fact, 66 percent of
Fortune 500 companies offered domestic partner benefits to
employees prior Obergefell. Since same-sex marriage is now
the law and same sex spouses are now afforded the same
employee benefits as opposite sex spouses, it is unclear
whether those companies will continue offering domestic
partner benefits.

Some companies may continue to offer
domestic partner benefits. But others, including Verizon,
Delta Air Lines, IMB and Corning, have already, or will soon
give their employees a time frame to marry or lose their
partner's benefits, thus replacing domestic benefits with
spousal coverage. Human rights advocates are encouraging
employers to keep domestic partner benefits for everyone.
Some groups suggest the best way to handle domestic
partnerships is to implement cafeteria-style benefits
programs in which all workers, regardless of marital or
familial status, receive the same amount of credits to be
used for benefits. Giving domestic partner benefits to
same-sex and heterosexual unmarried couples also helps
eliminate discrimination against unmarried workers who have
a partner. Some companies have adopted an "extended family"
benefits program to fairly compensate unmarried employees
who live with a dependent adult blood relative.

If you feel you have been treated
unfairly due to your sexual orientation, or marital or
familial status, you may wish to explore with your
employer's personnel or human resources department whether
additional options are currently available or under
consideration, and discuss with other workers whether they
also object to the difference in benefits.

9. Can my employer justify their
discrimination on religious grounds?

In states where sexual orientation
discrimination is explicitly prohibited, if you work for a
non-religious employer, your employer may find it difficult
to maintain a legitimate business justification for policies
or practices which discriminate against employees based on
sexual orientation. The personal religious beliefs of a
particular supervisor would rarely, if ever, be a legitimate
basis for discrimination in this situation, especially if
other company employees had been treated
differently.

Most employees of religious
organizations are also still protected by federal, state and
local non-discrimination laws that prohibit discrimination
based on sex, sexual orientation or gender identity,
although in some states, religious employers, like churches
and private religious schools are exempted from
anti-discrimination laws. If you work for a religious
organization and perform religious duties as part of your
job, your employer may not be subject to non-discrimination
laws. Some places of worship and religiously-affiliated
institutions are entitled to hire employees who share the
religious beliefs of the organization.

With respect to sexual orientation
discrimination against members of the public, in April 2015,
Indiana passed controversial religious freedom legislation
prohibiting the passage of any law that would substantially
burden a person's or company's exercise of their religion.
The law would arguably protect business owners who
discriminate, on religious grounds, against same-sex couples
in providing goods and services. Amid pressure from big
businesses including Apple, Angie's List, and Wal-Mart,
lawmakers amended the law to state that businesses cannot
use the law as a legal defense for refusing to provide
goods, services, facilities, or accommodations on the basis
of sexual orientation, gender identity, or any other
factors. Governors in both Michigan and North Dakota have
urged their legislatures to extend their current
anti-discrimination laws to protect LGBT individuals amid
the uproar in Indiana and a similar situation in
Arkansas.

The law is rapidly changing in this
area, and it is not yet clear whether a customer or coworker
could use these laws to justify refusing to work with
particular employees on the basis of their sexual
orientation. Based upon precedents in other areas of
discrimination law, an employer typically cannot use
customer or coworker preference as a justification for
discrimination.

10. Can I take leave to care for my
partner or my partner's family members?

The primary federal law protecting the
right to take family or medical leave without losing your
job and health insurance benefits, or suffering retaliation
is the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA), the definition
of "spouse" did not historically include an unmarried
partner. However, since the Supreme Court's decision to
repeal Section 3 of Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) and the
Supreme Court's decision in Obergefell v. Hodgesand since
the Department of Labor issued a regulatory change to the
definition of spouse, effective March 27, 2015, eligible
employees may use FMLA to take leave to care for a same-sex
spouse, or legal common law partner., no matter where they
live, even if they reside in a state that does not recognize
same-sex marriage so long as the place they entered into the
same-sex marriage or common law marriage does. This allows
the individual to take unpaid, job-protected, leave to care
for their spouse or family member, including step-child or
step-parent, even if the employee does not have in loco
parentis (day to day responsibilities over the individual or
financial support). These changes in DOMA, and in addition
to the new same-sex marriage ruling, ensure that the FMLA
gives spouses in same sex marriages the same ability as
opposite-sex spouses to exercise FMLA rights. However, these
changes still do not include Civil Unions or domestic
partnerships since civil unions and domestic partnerships
are not considered marriages under the FMLA. Under FMLA, if
you are also the parent of your partner's child, through
adoption or acting in a parental capacity, you may be able
to take FMLA leave to care for you and your partner's
child.

The law in some states may be more
protective than federal laws. For example, California law
requires that employers offer sick leave to care for
domestic partners and/or your partner's children. Your
company's leave policy, especially if you have domestic
partnership benefits and/or a non-discrimination clause
which includes sexual orientation, may provide for leave
even though it is not required by law. If you need leave for
this reason, consult your company handbook or corporate
human resources department to determine whether your
employer will allow you to take leave.

11. What is the difference between
sexual orientation discrimination and gender identity
discrimination?

The term "sexual orientation" is
generally understood to refer only to whether a person is
homosexual (gay), heterosexual (straight), or bisexual,
while "gender identity" refers to one's self-identification
as a man or a woman, as opposed to one's anatomical sex at
birth. Not all transgender people are gay. Many
transgendered people identify as straight; many transgender
women have male partners and many transgender men have
female partners. For more information, please see our page
on gender identity discrimination.

While 22 states and the District of
Columbia make it illegal to discriminate on the basis of
sexual orientation, only nineteen states and D.C. define
'sexual orientation' to either include 'having or being
perceived as having a self- image or identity not
traditionally associated with one's biological maleness or
femaleness, or specifically make it illegal to discriminate
on the basis of gender identity. In other states, where
courts have analyzed the state's sexual orientation
anti-discrimination law, courts have been divided: some
narrowly interpreting the laws to exclude gender identity,
while others interpret the law to provide some protection
with respect to gender identity.

12. Who enforces the
law?

Protections under state and local laws
are generally enforced by state or local anti-discrimination
agencies, which may be called a "fair employment," "civil
rights," or "human rights" commission or agency. For more
information about your state and local agencies, see our
page on filing a complaint.

13. How can I file a
complaint?

To file a complaint under state and
local statutes, please contact your state or local
anti-discrimination agency or an attorney in your state. For
more information, see our page on filing a
complaint.

14. What are the remedies available
to me?

For remedies available under state and
local statutes, please contact your state or local
anti-discrimination agency or an attorney in your state. For
more information, see our page on filing a
complaint.

15. How much time do I have to file
a charge of discrimination?

Because there are many sources of
state and local laws relating to discrimination based on
sexual orientation, there are too many different deadlines
to summarize here. To protect your legal rights, it is
always best to contact your state or local governmental
agency, or an attorney promptly when discrimination is
suspected. For more information, see our page on filing a
complaint.Source: www.workplacefairness.org/sexual-orientation-discrimination

Talk
with your kids about sexual orientationMany kids are getting incorrect ideas about what it is
from the streets and TV and are developing unhealthy
attitudes about normal things. This is about explaining what
it is, not moral or tolerance issues as many have already
dealt with those.

1. Explain you can't
tell for sure if someone is gay by how they act or look and
that a person's masculinity or femininity doesn't relate to
their sexual orientation. Some males are "effeminate" and
some females are "masculine" but are not gay. Some males are
"masculine" and some females are "effeminate" but are gay.
Every person is different and orientation won't define
anything other than the person's attraction.

2. Explain how some
people refer to the term. Your children need to understand
other kids may tell them that certain things are signs of
homosexuality but they are wrong. For example wearing
speedos or brief underwear doesn't make you gay neither does
having a lisp, males having a high voice, females having a
low voice, hugging someone of the same gender, seeing
someone of the same gender naked,taking a nude shower in a
locker room, listening to show tunes etc. This list could go
forever.

3. They should know
that it is normal for kids to be curious about the bodies of
others of the same gender: This does not make anyone a
homosexual.

4. Kids should know
it's common to have sexual experiences with friends of the
same gender in adolescence, it does not mean they will be
gay in adulthood.

5. Not showing
interest in the other sex doesn't mean anyone's gay. Some
people just don't have or show interest.

6. You should never
lose your virginity to prove to yourself or others that
you're not gay. Some kids really have done this.

More
Tips

1. Be supportive no
matter what and help them understand that they should never
use any derogatory names they might have heard.

2. Tell your child if
someone denies being homosexual they should be
believed.

3. It's Important to
go over the steps above, if your child exhibits the behavior
above he or she could have a sexual identity crisis
later.

4. Remember to explain
that locker room nudity has nothing to do with
homosexuality. This way your child will not feel
uncomfortable in locker rooms as a teen or adult.

5. Tell your children
they should never jump to the conclusions about someones
sexuality. This can really hurt someone.

6. Teach your kids the
difference between an intimate friendship and a romance. Two
friends can love each other without being gay.

How
to Talk to Your Kids About Sexuality and Sexual
Orientation
Wondering how to have a conversation with your children
about sexuality and sexual orientation?

These days, it's
becoming more and more impossible to define "normal." That's
a good thing. Go into nearly any classroom and you'll see
the physical landscape of children looks vastly different
than it did a generation ago. And that's before we even meet
their parents. Most children these days have friends or
neighbors whose families aren't exactly -- or, in some
cases, remotely -- like their own.

There's not one
"normal."

And yet, many of the
messages children receive through pop culture -- whether
it's animated films and television shows, music, or books --
continue to enforce one kind of "standard" romantic
relationship, and that's the one between a man and a woman.
Many parents question how, and when, to talk to their kids
about sexuality, and the fact that despite this, there's not
one "normal."

Some people --
particularly proponents of "don't say gay" legislation in
states like Missouri and Tennessee, which aims to forbid
public schools from mentioning that homosexuality exists at
all -- argue that kids are too young to learn about sex. But
talking about gay love needn't include a lesson in the
mechanics of sex, gay or otherwise. Instead, it's a
conversation about what it means to have love and friendship
and respect for someone else -- all those things that you
want them to understand about being good people. It's a
conversation that's only awkward if you make it
awkward.

8-year-old Ned first
met his parents' gay friends Brett and Carl when he was
three years old. The talk Ned's mother, Alice, had with Ned
preceding their visit was less a discussion than a check-in
and went something like: "'Brett and Carl are a couple, just
like Mommy and Daddy, and love each other very much.'"
Later, Ned asked some specific questions -- did they sleep
in the same bed, like Mommy and Daddy? Did they kiss
goodnight? -- and Alice always answered honestly, and
age-appropriately. Ned wasn't old enough to have a
discussion about how sex works, so she saved that for later.
But it was perfectly normal to talk to him about how people
in a couple support and love one another, and all the other
non-sexual things that make gay love no different from
straight love.

Helping encourage
this creation of a new normal extends beyond
sexuality.

For most children,
being "different" in any sort of way is undesirable. But the
more we talk about our own differences and others', the more
"normal" they become, and the less undesirable they feel.
When talking to your kids about their gay friends,
neighbors, or relatives; their friends' gay parents; or your
own sexuality, the most important thing to do is keep
dialogue open and to keep it light. Sexuality is a big deal.
But the principles are the same as any other discussion
you'll have with them about growing up right: Practice
kindness and love and treat others as you'd like to be
treated. Plain and simple.Source:www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/how-to-talk-to-your-kids_b_5343303.html

LGBTQ Youth:
Young, Out and AfraidOur
Tomorrow is a campaign to
engage LGBTQ people across the country in a conversation
about the future of their community. To better understand
the hopes and challenges faced by LGBTQ people in America
today, the Our Tomorrow research team reviewed more than 100
reports and surveys from more than 50 leading researchers --
presenting "a clearer picture than ever before of the U.S.
LGBT community," according to The
Advocate.

Over the next two weeks, we'll be
sharing what we've learned about the lives of LGBTQ
Americans in a series of posts focusing on each stage of
life -- from childhood through the golden
years.

While many of us celebrate the victory
for marriage equality in the U.S. Supreme Court, research
shows that LGBTQ people face significant challenges
throughout their lives -- beginning at a very early
age.

LGBTQ youth are coming out earlier
than ever...

In a Pew Research Center study, LGB
adults said they first felt they might not be heterosexual
around the age of 12. Today, the average age of coming out
is 16 years old -- compared to 21 in the 1980s.

For those who identify as transgender,
the process of understanding gender identity can start much
earlier. According to the Johns Hopkins Children's Center,
psychologists believe that children begin identifying their
unique gender identity between the ages of 3 and
6.

...and they're not as happy as
their straight peers.

While LGBTQ youth feel comfortable
being true to who they are, there's also cause for concern:
Only 37 percent of LGBTQ youth say they're happy, according
to a 2012 survey by the Human Rights Campaign -- compared to
67 percent of non-LGBTQ youth.

A lack of acceptance can leave LGBTQ
youth feeling unwelcome and unsafe, especially at the one
place where they spend most of their time --
school.

Discrimination at school is a big
problem.

In a survey of LGBTQ youth conducted
by GLSEN, 8 out of 10 said they had been verbally harassed
at school, while 5 of 10 said they had heard homophobic
remarks from a teacher or other staff member. Meanwhile,
three out of ten reported suffering from physical
harassment.

LGBTQ youth are held to a double
standard for romantic behavior at school. Columbia Gender
and Law Journal reported that they're twice as likely as
their peers to be disciplined for age-appropriate romantic
activities, such as holding hands or hugging.

These staggering figures point to a
need for greater understanding and acceptance in
schools--especially among the adults who lead
them.

Problems at home can lead to
devastating crises.

Far too often, these challenges follow
LGBTQ youth home after the bell rings. Lack of acceptance by
family members remains the top concern reported by LGBTQ
youth, and rejection after coming out can create significant
emotional trauma -- with potentially devastating
results.

According to the Centers for Disease
Control, LGBTQ youth are more than four times more likely to
attempt suicide than their straight peers. A 2011 study
found that 26 percent of gay and lesbian youth surveyed had
attempted suicide, compared to only 6 percent of straight
youth.

Too frequently, young people are
kicked out of the house after coming out to their family. As
a result, four out of ten homeless youth in the United
States are LGBTQ.

Whether at school or at home, these
problems require swift solutions and concerted effort. Many
people and organizations are already dedicating significant
time, energy and resources to provide support for LGBTQ
youth -- but we have a long way to go before the youngest
among us feel truly safe, loved and accepted.

So You Call
Yourself an Ally: 10 Things All Allies Need to
Know
As happens every time that I read something from
Black
Girl Dangerous,
I recently found myself snapping, nodding, and yelling out
YES! while reading a piece from Mia
McKenzie.

Her article No
More Allies
made me profoundly uncomfortable  which is a good
thing.

I was uncomfortable because it was a
call to reflection about my own ally
identifications and my own work.

Its time for those of us who
fashion ourselves allies or as currently
operating in solidarity with to have a
conversation.

More and more, I am seeing precisely
what McKenzie is describing  people of identity
privilege who are identifying as allies almost
as if it is a core part of their identity.

Whats worse, I keep seeing
people respond to criticism about their oppressive language
or problematic humor with, But Im an
ally!

For instance, I recently saw an
acquaintance (who notably identifies as Straight) post a
pretty problematic joke about Gay men on Twitter.

Aside from expressing my discontent in
a tweet, I reached out to her in a private message to
explain why I took issue with her joke.

Her response, though, was to say,
Jamie, you know that Im an LGBT ally! I speak
out for Gay rights all the time! This was clearly just a
joke.

And therein lies the
problem.

The identification of ally
was so prominent in this persons mind that she
couldnt even hear criticism of how her actions were
out of alignment with her professed desire to be an
ally!

So allies, lets
talk.

Credit Where Credit is Due

Before I say anything else, though, I
should note something important about this
article.

None of what I am writing here are my
ideas.

They are drawn from Mia
McKenzies piece, from conversations Ive had with
people of many different marginalized identities, from
theorists, novelists, bloggers  but none of them are
inherently mine.

They are the ideas of the People of
Color, Queer-identified people, women, differently-abled
people, poor folks, Jewish people, Muslim people, Atheists,
undocumented citizens, and others.

And noting this is
important.

Because part of being an ally means
giving credit where credit is due and never taking credit
for the anti-oppressive thinking, writing, theorizing, and
action of the marginalized and oppressed.

Which I guess leads me to my
point.

10 Things Every Ally
Needs to Remember

There are lots of ways to be a great
ally  and innumerable ways to be a
terrible one.

But its not rocket
science.

There are simple things you can keep
in mind and do in order to be a better person
currently operating in solidarity with the
marginalized or oppressed.

And while this list is not
comprehensive, its definitely somewhere to
start.

1. Being an Ally is About
Listening

As McKenzie puts it, Shut up and
listen.

As someone striving to be an ally, the
most important thing we can do is listen to as many voices
of those were allying ourselves with as
possible.

Now, does this mean that we should
assume that just because, say, one Person of Color said it
that its the absolutely truth that we should parrot?
Absolutely not.

If that were the case, then Don Lemon
would clearly speak for all Black people.

But listening to a diversity of
marginalized voices can help you understand the core of any
given issue.

And it also can help you understand
why the opinion of your one gay friend is not necessarily
the best defense of your use of heterosexist
language.

2. Stop Thinking of
Ally as a Noun

Being an ally isnt a
status.

The moment that we decide
Im an ally, were in
trouble.

Currently
operating in solidarity with is undeniably an
action. It describes what a person is doing in the
moment. It does not give credit for past acts of
solidarity without regard for current behavior. It does
not assume future acts of solidarity. It speaks only to
the actions of the present.

3. Ally is Not a
Self-Proclaimed Identity

Really, being an ally is not an
identity at all, but its vitally important that we
understand that we cannot simply decide we are
allies.

Being in solidarity is something we
can strive for, but in the end, it is the choice of those we
are attempting to ally ourselves to as to whether they trust
us enough to call us an ally.

Additionally, just because one person
considers me an ally, that does not mean that every person
of that marginalized identity considers me an ally or
should!

Trust is something earned through
concerted action, not given simply because of our actions in
a particular arena or context.

4. Allies Dont Take
Breaks

The thing about oppression is that it
is constant.

Those who are oppressed and
marginalized in our society do not get to take breaks and
respites.

Thus, if you truly want to act in
solidarity, you cannot simply retreat into your privilege
when you just dont want to engage.

This is one of the hardest things for
me in being an ally.

Sometimes I just dont have the
energy to respond to my super classist uncle or to that
racist comment form a Facebook friend.

I dont want to get into an
endless discussion about how they didnt mean it
that way or how Im just being too PC or
sensitive.

But People of Color have no choice but
to resist racism every single day of their lives. Women have
no choice but to weather the shit storm of misogyny every
day of their lives. Differently abled people have no choice
but to deal with and respond to ableism every day of their
lives.

And in the end, part of the privilege
of your identity is that you have a choice about whether or
not to resist oppression.

And falling back into your privilege,
especially when you are most needed, is not being in
solidarity.

5. Allies Educate Themselves
Constantly

Standing in solidarity with a
marginalized or oppressed person or people means that we
need to know our shit.

We need to educate ourselves about the
issues facing those with whom we want to be allied and about
the history of said oppression.

One of the most important types of
education is listening (see #1), but there are endless
resources (books, blogs, media outlets, speakers, YouTube
videos, etc.) to help you learn.

What you should not do, though, is
expect those with whom you want to ally yourself to teach
you.

That is not their
responsibility.

Sure, listen to them when they decide
to drop some knowledge or perspective, but do not go to them
and expect them to explain their oppression for
you.

6. You Cant Be an Ally in
Isolation

To a certain degree, it is entirely
possible for someone to stand in solidarity with a group of
marginalized people even if they have no relationships with
said people.

At a surface level, you can support
the cause and advocate in your community for equal rights or
speak out against oppression.

But solidarity in total isolation
lacks one vital thing: accountability.

This is particularly important for
people of privilege, but really any person who wants to act
in solidarity needs to recognize that allyship cannot exist
in isolation.

This is not to say that your one
Black friend legitimizes all of your actions and
self-professed allyship.

In fact, some of the most important
accountability comes from relationships that are not
friendships.

But without a diverse community to
engage with and without other activists to hold you
accountable, your understanding of solidarity
can very quickly become paternalism or, worse, outright
recreation of oppression.

7. Allies Dont Need to Be in
the Spotlight

I cant help but acknowledge the
irony of my writing this one, as my work literally puts me
in the spotlight in some conversations about oppression, but
hang with me.

True solidarity means supporting the
work of those youre allying yourself to, not solely
creating a platform for your own voice and work.

Sure, your privilege may afford you
the spotlight sometimes, and there are times when you can
use that spotlight to talk to people who share your identity
(see #8), but whenever possible, allies turn that spotlight
away from themselves and to the voices that are so often
marginalized and ignored.

In my own work, I work hard to ensure
that my work is grounded squarely in the scholarship and
lived experiences of those with whom I ally myself, and I
work hard to share or abdicate the spotlight to those with
whom I attempt to act in solidarity whenever
possible.

Perhaps I fail more than I succeed in
this realm, but it is something I must continue to keep
central in my praxis.

8. Allies Focus on Those Who Share
Their Identity

As a person who benefits every single
day from White privilege, it is not my place to engage
People of Color in a discussion about what is or is not
racist. Thats not solidarity.

However, I have a very specific
responsibility in engaging conversations about racism:
talking to other White people.

Beyond listening, arguably the most
important thing that I can do to act in solidarity is to
engage those who share my identity.

As a man, I have a specific
responsibility to engage men in building a more positive
masculinity and standing up to misogyny and
sexism.

As a White person, I have a
responsibility to stand up to racism and work to bring White
people into the anti-racist conversation in a way that they
can hear and access.

As an able-bodied person, I have a
responsibility to call out examples of everyday
ableism.

The single most important thing
Ive ever been told about being an ally came from a
professor of Color who profoundly impacted my
life:

If you choose to do social
justice work, you are going to screw up  a lot. Be
prepared for that. And when you screw up, be prepared to
listen to those who you hurt, apologize with honesty and
integrity, work hard to be accountable to them, and make
sure you act differently going forward.

There are few lessons more important
for allies to understand than this
one.

When you screw up and damage trust
and hurt and anger those you have allied yourself to,
listening is important, but its not
enough.

Apologizing earnestly is
important, but its not enough.

Working hard to make sure you are
accountable to those youve wronged is important,
but its not enough.

In addition to all of these, you
have a responsibility to learn from the mistakes
youve made and to do better going
forward.

10. Allies Never Monopolize the
Emotional Energy

One of the things that I love about
the White
Privilege Conference
is its commitment to accountable racial caucusing spaces
where White folks can meet with other White people, holding
them accountable as they process their feelings or learning
and where People of Color can process without the
intrusiveness of White privilege and oppression.

In my experience, the White caucus can
get pretty emotional, but the facilitators are trained and
ready to hold people accountable to their privilege and
process.

Ive also heard that the various
People of Color caucuses can be pretty emotional, charged
with anger and sadness and hope and community.

That space is vital.

Virtually every year, though, there is
a White person who doesnt get the need for these
spaces.

A few years back, a White woman burst
into one of the People of Color caucuses, throwing herself
on the floor, crying, asking for forgiveness, bemoaning her
Whiteness and her role in oppression.

And I honestly think this woman would
have considered herself an ally.

One of the more common and egregious
mistakes supposed allies can make is to expect
emotional energy from those to whom we ally
ourselves.

To once again quote McKenzie,
[T]he people who experience racism, misogyny,
ableism, queerphobia, transphobia, classism, etc. are
exhausted.

The last thing they need is our
monopolizing of the emotional energy to only further their
exhaustion.

Surely allies need emotional support,
but it must come form other allies.

Dont expect marginalized people
to do the emotional work for you or feel sorry for you or
forgive you.

***

Solidarity is vitally important to any
movement toward social justice, but it also runs the
tremendous risk of recreating the very power structures of
oppression that it purports to challenge.

Sure, the above list is a start, but
as someone striving to work in solidarity, I recognize that
I should never have the final word.

So please, what would you
add?

What else must we who seek to be
allies remember if we hope to advance rather than hold back
the struggles for justice?

Jamie Utt is a Contributing Writer at
Everyday Feminism. He is the Founder and Director of
Education at CivilSchools, a comprehensive bullying
prevention program, a diversity and inclusion consultant,
and sexual violence prevention educator based in
Minneapolis, MN. He lives with his loving partner and his
funtastic dog. He blogs weekly at Change from Within. Learn
more about his work at his website
here
and follow him on Twitter @utt_jamie.
Read his articles here and book him for speaking
engagements here.Source: everydayfeminism.com/2013/11/things-allies-need-to-know/

Would You Rather
Have a Gay Child or a Dead Child?
I am sorry if the title of this post shocks you, or strikes
you as harsh or over-dramatic. But honestly, parents
dont realize what theyre asking of their LGBTQI
kids. And they dont realize what their rejection is
doing to them.

This is not about inclusion. This is a
matter of life and death.

By making their children stick to
their own expectations and standards for them  whether
they really think their gay child is going to hell or
honestly are just ashamed of them  parents are asking
their kids to change something inherent, something that son
or daughter cant change. No matter how much they pray
or plead. Its just not happening.

And the message that sends is
absolutely devastating. It tells our kids (young, teens or
adults) that they are broken, not okay, for whatever
reason.

Its plain wrong. And it can be
tragic.

The suicide
statistics for LGBTQI youth is
alarming  40% of gay youth contemplate suicide, 50% of
transgender youth  4 to 5 times the rate for their
straight peers. And gay youth who come from highly rejecting
families are 8.4 times as likely to have attempted suicide
as gay peers who reported no or low levels of family
rejection.

I have been in dialogue with a close
friend about my support and affirmation of gays, and I am
heartsick. We are going to meet for coffee, to see if we can
find any common ground. She follows Jesus too, so that
should be our common ground. But people get disjointed about
this, bent out of shape, worked up.

She has already expressed her deep
disapproval in me. I am simply loving without condition,
which my main job in life (and its hers, too!). To
even think about meeting with her makes me queasy, but I
must speak up for those who deserve to be spoken
for.

Just imagine the one who IS gay. How
do they feel? Having to discuss this with a family member
who doesnt approve, and other family members, and
friends, and church, and society. No wonder this is so hard
to walk through. No wonder they feel so alone, because they
essentially are so alone.

Family we are supposed to
love and support each other no matter what. If our own
family wont do that, how does that impact our
confidence that anyone else can?

Imagine the depth of the shame of a
child rejected, condemned, shunned by parents. Or the shame
that comes from parents who just tolerate their
gay child, but the child clearly knows the parents are
disgusted by who they are.

And imagine a parent conveying the
message that God too is ashamed and disgusted?

Shame is not a good motivator,
its a horrible motivator that can destroy a
persons heart and spirit. Shame only makes a person
feel fundamentally defective, and no one has the right to do
that to someone else.

EVERYONE deserves to be treated as
a human being. Even people you might disagree
with.

I know this can be hard. Please
dont go through it alone. Seek out people to talk to
 people who will support and encourage you 
people who will affirm, accept and love your gay child, and
you too.

I have private Moms groups on
social media, Rob has a Dads group. Contact
us about
those.

I am so proud of you for reading this.
It may be the first step in making the decision to err on
the side of love, to affirm your child. You may have saved
their life.

I promise you that it does get better.
The answers will come. Just take the next step, and find
someone to take it with you.

I am here if you need me.

We know of way too many families who
kicked out, condemned, rejected, shunned and shamed their
gay child  in Jesus name, claiming they were speaking
for God  and who lost their child to suicide or drug
abuse.

Please. Dont. Just dont.
Dont drive your child over the edge.

Every one of us would regret that for
every single day of the rest of our lives.

Breathe. Love them for who they
are. Err on the side of love. Trust God with all the
rest.

Its what they deserve because
they are human  and because they are your precious
child. No matter what.

Talk
with your kids about LGBTQI Rights
Our work on LGBT issues spans decades  from an
early case challenging the militarys anti-gay policy,
Hoffburg v. Alexander, to the monitoring of anti-LGBT hate
and extremist groups today. The SPLC is dedicated to
defending the rights of the LGBT community. Our current work
has a national reach but is primarily focused on the
Southeast where relatively few organizations advocate for
this community.

Ensuring safe schools
is a particular concern. The bullying of LGBT students is a
severe, nationwide problem  one made more difficult by
the reluctance of many school districts to take strong steps
to prevent it. Nearly nine out of 10 LGBT students have
experienced harassment, a survey by the Gay, Lesbian and
Straight Education Network (GLSEN) found. Also, a Southern
Poverty Law Center analysis of FBI hate crime data found
that LGBT people are far more likely to be victims of a
violent hate crime than any other minority group in the
United States.

The SPLC has worked to
ensure safe schools for all students  including LGBT
students  through educational campaigns and legal
action. Our Teaching Tolerance program released the
anti-bullying documentary Bullied in 2010. The free
documentary and teaching kit, designed for both classroom
use and professional development for educators, tells the
story of one students landmark effort to stand up to
his anti-gay tormentors.

More than 50,000
copies of the film have been distributed across the country
 making Bullied the most successful film ever produced
by Teaching Tolerance at that time and helping to raise
awareness of this serious issue facing LGBT
youth.

The Southern Poverty
Law Center has also taken legal action to protect LGBT
students. This includes litigation against school policy
that creates an atmosphere hostile to LGBT students or
otherwise isolates these students for harassment. Anti-LGBT
policies and actions that infringe on the free expression
and privacy rights of LGBT students are another focus of
this work. Outside the classroom, the Southern Poverty Law
Center focuses on the treatment of LGBT youth in juvenile
and foster care facilities.

Other efforts focus on
the rights of LGBT adults, including issues involving
parenting rights and the treatment of LGBT seniors in
nursing homes and other facilities.

What
Is Sexual Orientation?
Think back to when you were in junior high or high
school and you talked to a cute girl or guy. Did you blush,
feel your heart race, or maybe experience those first
physical feelings of sexual arousal?

Adolescence is the
dawn of sexual attraction. It happens due to the hormonal
changes of puberty. These changes involve both the body and
the mind  so just thinking about someone attractive
can cause physical arousal.

These new feelings can
be intense, confusing, sometimes even overwhelming. Teens
are beginning to discover what it means to be attracted
romantically and physically to others. And recognizing one's
sexual orientation is part of that process.

The term sexual
orientation refers to the gender (that is, male or female)
to which a person is attracted. There are several types of
sexual orientation that are commonly described:

Heterosexual
(straight). People who are heterosexual are
romantically and physically attracted to members of the
opposite sex: males are attracted to females, and females
are attracted to males. Heterosexuals are sometimes
called "straight."

Homosexual
(gay or lesbian). People who are homosexual are
romantically and physically attracted to people of the
same sex: females are attracted to other females; males
are attracted to other males. Homosexuals (whether male
or female) are often called "gay." Gay females are also
called lesbian.

Bisexual.
People who are bisexual are romantically and physically
attracted to members of both sexes.

Transsexual.
Transsexual people experience a gender identity that
is inconsistent with, or not culturally associated with,
their assigned sex, and desire to permanently transition
to the gender with which they identify, usually seeking
medical assistance to help them align their body with
their identified sex or
gender.

Asexual.
Asexuality (or nonsexuality) is the lack of sexual
attraction to anyone, or low or absent interest in sexual
activity. It may be considered the lack of a sexual
orientation, or one of the variations thereof, alongside
heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality. It may
also be an umbrella term used to categorize a broader
spectrum of various asexual sub-identities.

Many people identify themselves as
having a certain sexual orientation based on who they are
attracted to or fall in love with, but this is not always
the case. For example, there are some people who have sexual
thoughts and experiences with people of the same gender, but
who do not consider themselves to be gay, lesbian, or
bisexual. And there are people who have sexual thoughts and
experiences with people of the other gender but who do not
consider themselves to be heterosexual.

There are a couple of more words that
you may hear when learning about sexual
orientation.

Questioning: A person who is unsure of
their sexual orientation. Transgender: A person whose
internal feelings of being male or female differ from the
sexual anatomy they were born with.

Although transgender refers to a
person's sexual identity, not his/her sexual orientation,
one often hears about transgender individuals as part of the
gay and lesbian community. This is why you may have heard
the acronym LGBTIQ, which stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual,
Transgender, Intersex and Questioning.

Do We Choose Our
Orientation?

Being straight, gay,
or bisexual is not something that a person can choose or
choose to change. In fact, people don't choose their sexual
orientation any more than they choose their height or eye
color. It is estimated that about 10% of people are gay. Gay
people are represented in all walks of life, across all
nationalities, ethnic backgrounds, and in all social and
economic groups.

No one fully
understands exactly what determines a person's sexual
orientation, but it is likely explained by a variety of
biological and genetic factors. Medical experts and
organizations such as the American Academy of Pediatrics
(AAP) and the American Psychological Association (APA) view
sexual orientation as part of someone's nature. Being gay is
also not considered a mental disorder or
abnormality.

Despite myths and
misconceptions, there is no evidence that being gay is
caused by early childhood experiences, parenting styles, or
the way someone is raised.

Efforts to change gay
people to straight (sometimes called "conversion therapy")
have been proven to be ineffective and can be harmful.
Health and mental health professionals caution against any
efforts to change a person's sexual orientation.

How Gay Teens Might
Feel

Like their straight
peers, gay teens may stress about school, grades, college,
sports, activities, friends, and fitting in. But in
addition, gay and lesbian teens often deal with an extra
layer of stress  like whether they have to hide who
they are, whether they will be harassed about being gay, or
whether they will face stereotypes or judgments if they are
honest about who they are.

They often feel
different from their friends when the heterosexual people
around them start talking about romantic feelings, dating,
and sex. For them, it can feel like everyone is expected to
be straight. They may feel like they have to pretend to feel
things that they don't in order to fit in. They might feel
they need to deny who they are or hide an important part of
themselves.

Many gay teens worry
about whether they will be accepted or rejected by their
loved ones, or whether people will feel upset, angry, or
disappointed in them. These fears of prejudice,
discrimination, rejection, or violence, can lead some teens
who aren't straight to keep their sexual orientation secret,
even from friends and family who might be
supportive.

It can take time for
gay teens to process how they feel and to accept this aspect
of their own identity before they reveal their sexual
orientation to others. Many decide to tell a few accepting,
supportive friends and family members about their sexual
orientation. This is called coming out.

For most people,
coming out takes courage. In some situations, teens who are
openly gay may risk facing more harassment than those who
haven't revealed their sexual orientation. But many lesbian,
gay, and bisexual teens who come out to their friends and
families are fully accepted by them and their communities.
They feel comfortable and secure about being attracted to
people of the same gender. In a recent survey, teens who had
come out reported feeling happier and less stressed than
those who hadn't.

How Parents Might
Feel

Adolescence is a time
of transition not just for teens, but for their parents too.
Many parents face their adolescent's emerging sexuality with
a mix of confusion and apprehension. They may feel
completely unprepared for this next stage of parenthood. And
if their child is gay, it may bring a whole new set of
questions and concerns.

Some are surprised to
learn the truth, always having thought their child was
straight. Others wonder whether the news is really true and
whether their teen is sure. They might wonder if they did
something to cause their child to be gay  but they
shouldn't. There is no evidence that being gay is the result
of the way that someone was raised.

Fortunately, many
parents of gay teens understand and are accepting right from
the start. They feel they have known all along, even before
their teen came out to them. They often feel glad that their
child chose to confide in them, and are proud of their child
for having the courage to tell them.

Other parents feel
upset, disappointed, or unable to accept their teen's sexual
orientation at first. They may be concerned or worried about
whether their son or daughter will be harassed, mistreated,
or marginalized. And they might feel protective, worrying
that others might judge or reject their child. Some also
struggle to reconcile their teen's sexual orientation with
their religious or personal beliefs. Sadly, some react with
anger, hostility, or rejection.

But many parents find
that they just need time to adjust to the news. That's where
support groups and other organizations can help. It can be
reassuring for them to learn about openly gay people who
lead happy, successful lives.

With time, even
parents who thought they couldn't possibly accept their
teen's sexual orientation are surprised to find that they
can reach a place of understanding.

At What Age Do Kids
"Know"?

Knowing one's sexual
orientation  whether straight or gay  is often
something that kids or teens recognize with little doubt
from a very young age. It's an immediate awareness. Some gay
teens say they experienced same-sex crushes in childhood,
just as their heterosexual peers experienced opposite-sex
crushes.

By middle school, as
they enter adolescence, many gay teens already recognize
their sexual orientation, whether or not they have revealed
it to anyone else. Those who didn't realize they were gay at
first often say that they always felt different from their
peers, but didn't exactly know why.

Becoming aware of
 and coming to terms with  one's sexual
orientation can take some time. Thinking sexually about both
the same sex and the opposite sex is quite common as teens
sort through their emerging sexual feelings.

Some teens may
experiment with sexual experiences, including those with
members of the same sex, as they explore their own
sexuality. But these experiences, by themselves, do not
necessarily mean that a teen is gay or straight. For many
teens, these experiences are simply part of the process of
sorting through their emerging sexuality. And despite gender
stereotypes, masculine and feminine traits do not
necessarily predict whether someone is straight or
gay.

Beyond He or
She
This week's TIME cover story, with exclusive data
from GLAAD, explores a change taking hold in American
culture. The piece explores how you-do-you young people are
questioning the conventions that when it comes to gender and
sexuality, there are only two options for each: male or
female, gay or straight.

Those aspects of identity  how
one sees themselves as a man or woman, for instance, and who
they are drawn to physically and romantically  are
distinct but undergoing similar sea changes, as teenagers
and 20-somethings reject notions of what society has told
them about who they are supposed to be.

In a new survey from LGBTQ advocacy
organization GLAAD, conducted by Harris Poll, those open
minds are reflected in the numbers: 20% of millennials say
they are something other that strictly straight and
cisgender, compared to 7% of boomers. The people in that
group may be be a little sexually curious about people of
their own gender or may reject the notion that they have a
gender in the first place.

"There have been the generations that
have lived by the rules and those generations that break the
rules," says GLAAD President and CEO Sarah Kate Ellis. Young
people today, she says, are "redefining
everything."

TIME interviewed dozens of
people around the U.S. about their attitudes toward
sexuality and gender, from San Francisco to small-town
Missouri. Many said they believe that both sexuality and
gender are less like a toggle between this-or-that and more
like a spectrum that allows for many  even endless
 permutations of identity. Some of those young people
identified as straight, others as gay, still others as
genderqueer, gender fluid, asexual, gender nonconforming and
queer. Several said they use the pronoun they rather than he
or she to refer to themselves.

This variety of identities is
something that people are seeing reflected in the culture at
large. Facebook, with its 1 billion users, has about 60
options for users' gender. Dating app Tinder has about 40.
Influential celebrities, such as Miley Cyrus (who spoke to
TIME for this article), have come out as everything from
flexible in their gender to sexually fluid to "mostly
straight."

Even young people who don't understand
the nuances of gender or sexuality that their peers describe
tend to be more accepting of whatever identities they
encounter. When market research firm Culture Co-op, which
specializes in young Americans' attitudes, asked about 1,000
young people whether they think that Facebook's 60 options
for gender are excessive, nearly a third of them responded
that they believe this amount is just about right or too
few.

Not everyone is on board. LGBTQ people
continue to be at risk for harassment and assault at school,
as well as for attempting suicide. Many experience family
rejection, as well as both peers and adults who question
whether their feelings about gender or sexuality are
"real."

In state legislatures, lawmakers are
meanwhile debating the very meaning of the words sex and
gender in debates over so-called "bathroom bills.
Lawsuits alleging that sexual orientation and gender
identity are covered under bans on sex discrimination are
fleshing out the meaning of that word too. But it is clear
that for many people these binaries are bedrocks they will
fight to defend.

"Its not easy when we talk about
these issues. Cisgender. Transgender. How many genders are
there? Are we created man and woman? Or do we internalize
something different?" a Texas lawmaker recently asked while
defending a bill that would require people to use bathrooms
that match the sex on their birth certificate. "I think the
god I believe in, the cross I wear today," she added at
another hearing on the bill, "said there was man and
woman."

But many experts say that language is
more limited than the sum of human experience and that words
are important for people in the throes of self-discovery,
whether they feel they belong in these binaries or beyond
them.Young people "are not just saying Screw
you, says Ritch Savin-Williams, a professor
emeritus of psychology at Cornell University who studies
sexual behavior. Their embrace of a vast array of identities
says, Your terms, what youre trying to do,
does not reflect my reality or the reality of my
friends.Source: time.com/4703058/time-cover-story-beyond-he-or-she/

How
to Talk to Your Kid About Sexuality
Whether your kids have seen TV shows with gay or lesbian
characters, met a bisexual student in math class or just
heard the word "gay" on the playground, chances are they
have questions about sexual orientation  even if they
don't tell you about them. Your child might also be
questioning her own sexuality, and no matter what the
situation, having an open and honest dialogue with your
child about sexuality is an important part of good
parent-child communication.

In 2009 the U.S.
Census Bureau estimated that 581,000 same-sex couples lived
in the United States, and about 18 percent of them were
raising children. (The Human Rights Campaign says there are
no reliable estimates of how many Americans identify as
transgender.) And some studies show that on average, kids
first figure out that they're gay, lesbian or bisexual
between the ages of 8 and 11.

Experts say this means
parents should be talking with their children from an early
age about what it means to be lesbian, gay, bisexual or
transgender. Not only will it prepare them for meeting
people who identify this way, but it will set the foundation
for your kids to treat everyone with equality and
respect.

This doesn't mean you
have to launch into a long, awkward talk with your kids
about sexual orientation and identity. Dr. Joe Kort, a
therapist who teaches gay and lesbian studies at Wayne State
University, says it's best to keep these conversations
simple  especially if your kids are young. You might
just want to say, "Sometimes boys love boys, and sometimes
girls love girls," or "Some people are born one gender, but
they feel like they're another gender."

Before you educate
your children about matters of sexual identity and
orientation, it's best to educate yourself, says Carolyn
Laub, executive director of the Gay-Straight Alliance
Network. She says the nationwide group Parents, Families and
Friends of Lesbians and Gays is a great resource.

Kort, who is gay, says
he and his partner spend a lot of time with four nieces and
nephews who are 14 and younger. While the kids sometimes
have questions about Kort's life, he says, being around a
gay couple is normal for them.

"They never saw it as
something sexual," he says. "They saw it as something
romantic." One of Kort's associates, therapist Kelli Weller,
advises talking to kids in terms of families and people who
love each other, which is easy for children to understand.
That's the approach she and her female partner take with
their 8-year-old twins.

"What we say is that
there's all kinds of families. Some families have two moms,
and some families have just a grandma," Weller says. "There
isn't any need to get into the mechanics of it
all."

She adds that these
talks shouldn't be extensive discussions, but instead,
should be addressed in everyday conversation  just
like you'd talk about people of different races and
religions. And Kort says to be truthful, rather than saying
two women or men in a romantic relationship are just friends
or roommates. Answer your kids' questions honestly and in an
age-appropriate way.

"How would you answer
those same questions if your child was asking them about a
heterosexual couple?" Laub adds.

If your kids are
older, she says, keep in mind that late elementary and
middle school is when children are most likely to be
bullied. This is a particularly trying time for children who
are questioning their sexuality or have figured out that
they're not heterosexual  which became clear when
headlines about gay kids' suicides filled the news in 2010.
And Laub says bullying isn't just hurtful to its targets,
but also to those who witness it. That's why it's important
to talk to your children about bullying and how kids are
treated at school. If your child brings up the fact that a
classmate is gay, she says, ask your child how other
students and teachers treat that classmate. If you hear
about a child being bullied, Laub says, contact the
school.

It might also help to
role-play with your child about what to do if someone teases
a classmate about sexual orientation or uses the term
"That's so gay" as an insult. "That's mean to say that,"
Laub says kids might respond. "Do you really mean that's
gay, or do you mean that's stupid?"

Besides the importance
of raising children who respect others, Laub says, urging an
inclusive attitude is key if your own kids end up
questioning their sexuality. She knows many teens who,
before coming out to their parents, tested them by gauging
their reactions to gay characters on TV or religious
leaders' remarks on same-sex relationships. If this is the
case, Laub says, your kids need to see you as an ally who
will love them for the unique, special people they are.Source:
www.education.com/magazine/article/talking-kids-about-sexuality/

Why
It's Important to Talk about Sexual Orientation
Over the past month, we have all been saddened by the
tragic deaths resulting from youth being bullied about
sexual orientation or after their sexual orientation was
used to humiliate. Some of these children were as young as
10 and 11. Please remember that talking about sexual
orientation is much more often talking about who you love
than talking about how you love. Many parents enter into
conversations with children with their adult perspective
when all most children are looking for are simple answers
and confirmation of observations.

Whether or not you
talk with your kids about sexual orientation, young people
receive messages about this topic from various sources
including their peers, the media, and the internet. As
parents and caregivers, you have a crucial role in
dispelling myths, challenging stereotypes, and expressing
the idea that everyone deserves respect regardless of their
race, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation.

Education.com suggests
the following age appropriate concepts for discussions with
children about sexual orientation.

Messages for Young
People Age Five through Eight:

Human beings can love
people of the same gender and people of the other
gender.

There are men and
women who are heterosexual, which means they can be
attracted to and fall in love with someone of the other
gender.

There are men and
women who are homosexual, which means they can be attracted
to and fall in love with someone of the same
gender.

Homosexual men and
women are also known as gay men and lesbian
women.

People deserve respect
regardless of their sexual orientation.

Making fun of people
by calling them gay (e.g. homo, fag, queer) is disrespectful
and hurtful.

Messages for Young
People Age Nine through 12:

Sexual orientation is
a person's physical, emotional, and/or spiritual attraction
to an individual of the same and/or opposite
gender.

There are men and
women who are bisexual, which means they can be attracted to
and fall in love with people of either gender.

Sexual orientation is
one part of who we are.

Gay men, lesbian
women, bisexuals, and heterosexuals are alike in most
ways.

The origin of people's
sexual orientation is not known.

Some people are afraid
to share that they are gay, lesbian, or bisexual because
they fear they will be mistreated.

Gay, lesbian, or
bisexual people's relationships can be as fulfilling as
heterosexual people's relationships.

Gay men, lesbian
women, and bisexual people can adopt children or have their
own children.

If you or someone you
know is being teased about being gay or lesbian, it is
important to tell a trusted adult.

Messages for Young
People Age 12 through 15:

Every culture and
society has people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, and
heterosexual.

People do not choose
their sexual orientation.

Understanding one's
sexual orientation can be an evolving process.

There are many
theories about what determines sexual orientation including
genetics, prenatal and socio-cultural influences,
psychosocial factors, and a combination of all
these.

Many scientific
theories have concluded that sexual orientation cannot be
changed by therapy or medicine.

Having
discussions about sexual orientation can be difficult for
some people.

Teenagers who have
questions about their sexual orientation should consult a
trusted and knowledgeable adult.

People's beliefs about
sexual orientation are based on their religious, cultural,
and family values.

When a gay, lesbian,
or bisexual person tells another person his/her sexual
orientation, it is known as "coming out."

Sometimes one's sexual
orientation is disclosed without his/her consent. This is
known as being "outed."

Coming out or being
outed can be difficult because people may fear or experience
negative reactions.

People who are gay,
lesbian, or bisexual engage in many of the same sexual
behaviors as heterosexual people.

There are young people
who have sexual thoughts and experiences with people of the
same gender, but do not consider themselves to be gay,
lesbian, or bisexual.

There are young people
who have sexual thoughts and experiences with people of the
other gender, but do not consider themselves to be
heterosexual.

Marriage between
two people of the same gender is currently being debated in
the United States.

There are
organizations that offer support services, hotlines, and
resources for young people who want to talk about sexual
orientation.

If you or someone you
know is being teased about being gay or lesbian, it is
important to tell a trusted adult.

Why Some People Never Want To Have
Sex
You may very well know someone who is asexual. As a new and
emerging sexual orientation, asexuals are still looking for
acceptance in a society that can be seen as a little
sex-crazed.

Society as a whole knows very little
about asexuality. There's not a lot of information about
this type of sexual orientation so it has become largely
misunderstood. In the most basic sense, asexual people are
not sexually attracted to either gender, male or female, and
have almost no interest in sexual activity. As asexual
writer Julia Decker explains in an article for Time in
reference to her sexual encounters, "all my experiences were
exactly what I'd expected: at best tolerable, at worst
uncomfortable. Never enjoyable, never exciting, never
intriguing enough to make me want more."

Many asexuals first notice they are
different during adolescence when their peers begin to
express interest in sex and they don't find themselves
experiencing similar feelings. At first they might feel like
something is wrong with them before ultimately realizing
this is just the way they are. Although it is a small
percentage of people, asexuals exist all over the world and
have been around for a long time. The growth of the internet
as a communication tool has allowed them to connect and form
a community for the first time, helping them gain
recognition and acceptance.

(The Roman Catholic
Church is finally growing out of another of its levels of
bigotry - LGBT.)

The openly gay state representative
led the fight to legalize same-sex marriage in what may be
the most Catholic state in the nation's most Catholic
region.

In early May, Rhode Island became the
sixth and final New England state to allow gay couples to
marry. The Democratic-dominated Legislature, led by an
openly gay House speaker, overcame years of successful
lobbying by the Catholic Church.

"They put the fear of God into
people," Ferri said, claiming that "the influence of the
church" had been the primary stumbling block as every other
neighboring state, and many people across the country,
started embracing gay marriage.

Ferri's victory marked the Catholic
Church's most significant political defeat in an area where
more than 40 percent of the population is
Catholic.

Perhaps more problematic for the
church is that state-by-state setbacks on gay marriage
illustrate a widening divide between the church hierarchy
and its members that may be undermining Catholic influence
in American politics.

The disconnect plays out in
polling.

In March, a Washington Post-ABC News
poll found that a majority of Catholics, 60 percent, felt
the church was out of touch with the views of Catholics in
America today.

A CBS News/New York Times poll in
February found that 78 percent of Catholics said they were
more likely to follow their own conscience than the church's
teachings on difficult moral questions.

That poll highlighted several areas
where most Catholics break with church teachings: 62 percent
of American Catholics think same-sex marriages should be
legal, 74 percent think abortion ought to be available in at
least some instances and 61 percent favor the death
penalty.

At Vatican, newly selected Pope
Francis, while a bishop in Argentina, angered other church
leaders by supporting civil unions for gay couples ahead of
that country's vote to legalize gay marriage.

He has taken no such position as
pope.

Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, a member of
one of the most storied Catholic families in American
politics, says she's encouraged by Francis' early
leadership. But she says the church's political influence
will continue to wane unless it adapts.

"Gay marriage is part of a larger
refusal on the part of the church to listen to, and to
understand, the people in the pews," said Townsend, who
regularly attends church and wrote the book, "Failing
America's Faithful: How Today's Churches Are Mixing God With
Politics and Losing Their Way."

Church officials in Washington, Boston
and Providence declined to be interviewed for this
report.

The church for decades has employed
aggressive lobbying efforts on a range of political issues,
and Catholic leaders have used the power of the pulpit and
substantial financial resources to maintain clout. At times
they've gone so far as to tell leading Catholic lawmakers
they were not welcome to receive Communion if they opposed
church teachings on matter such as abortion and gay
marriage.

These days, the church remains active
in political battles over abortion, President Barack Obama's
health care law, poverty and immigration. But the church had
little success influencing the gay marriage debate here and
elsewhere.

In many statehouses, the church relies
on lobbying consortiums made up of lay people, known as
Catholic conferences, to influence state policy, aided by
donations from dioceses across the country.

In Washington, the church's primary
voice is the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops,
which had an annual budget last year of $26.6 million,
according to the Pew Forum of Religion and Public
Life.

"They've certainly been players at the
national level," said Mark Silk, the director of Trinity
College's Leonard Greenberg Center for the Study of Religion
in Public Life.

He noted that the church has been most
successful in recent years by building alliances with other
religious lobbies, including evangelicals, to help shape
public policy such as the contraception provision in the
president's health care law. Religious leaders have
successfully pushed to tighten abortion laws in some
states.

Thirty states have adopted
constitutional provisions limiting marriage to a man and a
woman, although that's mostly in the South and West where
there are fewer Catholics.

Silk suggested that some Catholic
leaders in the United States may be eroding their influence
by "jumping up and down" to fight gay marriage despite
strong public support.

As American attitudes rapidly shifted
in favor of legalized same-sex marriage in recent months,
the archbishop of San Francisco, Salvatore Cordileone,
likened gay marriage to male breastfeeding and denounced
Rhode Island's vote as violating "the very design of
nature."

In Minnesota, Catholic leaders spent
nearly $1 million last year to support a ballot measure
banning gay marriage. The year before, the Archdiocese of
St. Paul and Minneapolis produced and distributed 400,000
copies of a DVD in which Archbishop John C. Nienstedt called
same-sex marriage, at best, "an untested social
experiment."

Thousands of Minnesota Catholics
returned the DVDs in protest. Last month, the state
Legislature voted to legalize gay marriage, making Minnesota
the 12th state to do so.

In Providence, the Rev. Bernard Healey
led the lobbying effort to counter legalization attempts.
The Catholic priest is well-known at the Rhode Island
Capitol.

In late April, before the final gay
marriage vote, Providence Bishop Thomas J. Tobin warned
Rhode Island lawmakers: "It is only with grave risk to our
spiritual well-being and the common good of our society that
we dare to redefine what God himself has
created."

The Legislature overwhelmingly voted
days later to support same-sex marriage.

That led Tobin to condemn "immoral or
destructive behavior" and say that Catholics should "examine
their consciences very carefully" before deciding whether to
attend gay marriage ceremonies, "realizing that to do so
might harm their relationship with God and cause significant
scandal to others."

As for Ferri, he said he's at peace
with God, regardless of the warnings of the church. A
faithful member of his church choir for decades, he recalled
sitting alone at the altar while struggling with his
homosexuality years ago.

"I got a message from God: `You're
going to be OK. Be who you are,'" he said during a recent
interview in his small office in the Statehouse.

Noting that a church lobbyist would be
pushing abortion-related legislation later that day, Ferri
said the Catholic Church will always have some political
influence in Rhode Island.