Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Minnesota Twins

The Tigers have finally finished their long 342 game road
trip with an amazing comeback victory over the White Sox. And exactly who drove
in 4 of the Tigers 10 runs and hit a home run along the way? Ryan Raburn, that’s
who! I want each and every one of you to silently thank Ryno for being a part
of this team, even for just one day. Do it…no one’s looking.

With that out of the way, the team is back at .500 and
looking at a stretch where 8 of the next 11 games are against the lowly Twins
and Pirates. Today’s 8 run 6th inning might be what it takes to
finally get this team playing the way we all expected them to.

But first, we take a look at those small-ball loving,
funny-talking, Metrodomeless Twinkies of Minnesota.

FACE OF THE FRANCHISE

Joe Mauer

-4 time All-Star

-3 time Gold Glove winner

-3 time AL batting champion

-2009 AL MVP

-Attended same high school that Paul Molitor went to

-Only struck out once in four years of high school baseball

-First overall pick of 2001 MLB Draft

-Has modeled for Perry Ellis and done commercials for Head
& Shoulders, Pepsi, and Gatorade

-His sideburns are rumored to be hypnotic

-Engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Maddie Bisanz…sorry,
ladies

-Snap your fingers three times. That's what Joe's knees are beginning to sound like already.

-Owed $23 million per season through 2019, assuring us that the Twins will not be able to afford talent for a while

TEAM STRENGTH

The Twins are pretty much useless, other than their annoying
habit of giving the Tigers fits. This trend has gone down quite a bit since the
move away from the abortion known as The Metrodome.

OLD FRIENDS

-Lester Oliveros (minors)

-Clete Thomas

WORST ENEMY

Carl Pavano

Pavano, for his career, is 5-4 with a 4.32 ERA against the
Tigers. That doesn’t seem like anything to be scared of, but for a while the
team just couldn’t hit the guy for some reason. And I’ve never forgiven him for
that. Well, that and the stupid mustache he was sporting for a while.

The Twins are terrible. They are currently 10-25, which is
approaching a 2003 Tigers level of being bad at baseball. If you pitch around
Josh Willingham, everyone else in the lineup has a good chance of weakly
grounding out to shortstop. Carl Pavano has the best ERA of all of their
starters at 5.14. They are the worst team in baseball.

So expect us to split with them because the Baseball Gods seem
to take a dump on the city of Detroit every other day as of late.

5 comments:

If they break the 2003 Tigers' AL recor for futility (and the Mets' MLB record), it would bring much joy to my heart. A) Because then the Tigers wouldn't have that distinction anymore and B) becuase it's the fucking Twins, and I've hated the fucking Twins since 1987.

House Rep and conservative fundie whackjob Michele Bachmann also hails from frigid Minny, she who apparently suffers from frostbite of the brain, likely as a result of too many sub-zero winters, since it was revealed last year that she occasionally goes into zoned-out brain-lock and must rest and recover for at least few days as a result.

Do Not Take This Blog Seriously.

The only thing I enjoy more than Detroit Tigers baseball is making fun of it and those that write about it. Most things you read here are meant in a humorous way. So do everyone a favor and lighten up. It's a joke. Oftentimes a bad one...

DesigNate Robertson was named after ex-Tiger pitcher, Nate Robertson and my hatred of his performances on the mound. He will be missed.

To those with an open mind and a sense of humor, I welcome you. Lets have some fun.