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Author
Topic: oh dear! (Read 11480 times)

Hi,Well this is my story. I am married and have a child. In Oct 2011 I had a momentary lapse of moral judgment with a female work friend. Ok the lapse lasted a few months. We parted but still work together, she in the emergency room of a hospital and I in the community. Then in July 2012 I started to become ill, just flu like symptoms that I just could not shake. I thought it was due to everyone at work having the same cold. However my symptoms got worse and worse to the extent where I had the lowered energy of a 90 year old! The doctors could not figure what was wrong then one day I ended in in hospital, I was resuscitated (yup I was that sick). All the doctors could not figure out what was wrong until they decided to do one last series of blood tests. They did not mention HIV testing. I was diagnosised positive the next day. My wife who was now pregnant was tested several times and proved negative, thankfully. To say I was angry would be an understatement. The public health officials admitted that I had been named in June as a contact. It is obvious how and who infected me. The bad thing is, this person had seen my health deteriorate and was aware I was admitted to hospital. At no stage did they mention or hint that maybe I should get a comprehensive blood test. They just watched me slowly die, no regards to me or my wife and unborn child.My VL was 750,000 with a CD4 count of 123. I was started on Atripla and 4 weeks later VL was 2500 an CD4 was near 500. My last test was VL 400 and CD4 350.I have not informed work of my condition, nor has SHE. I do not feel that I can tell anyone as I work with very unsupportive people and the managers are in league with the devil. I have not worked since Oct 2012 and now I have spoken with work and requested a transfer. They wont do this and told me to get over it! (I have told them as much as possible with out giving anything away) I have tried seeing a psychiatrist, but my emotions are too raw just now.The person who infected me has now told people that her house has been attacked, and of course the people put 2 and 2 together and get 9! So now I am seen as a raving psycho! She did not tell any one that she has infected more than 4 other people!So what? Well I am now at the end of my ability to cope, nowhere to turn and no one to support me. I want to return to work but work will only let me return to my original position, so I will have daily contact with HER! The union is rubbish and the lawyers cant do anything. What words of advice can the forum give?

Bob, I've moved your thread into the Just Tested forum, as that is the more appropriate place for it.

It has to be said - you're laying all the blame at the feet of this woman, but what prevented you from putting a condom on? Your culpability in all this is something you're going to have to work through.

If you were only reported as a contact in June, that's seven/eight months after the fact so she probably only tested poz in June herself. In other words, she didn't know she was poz when you two hooked up.

Something I'm wondering about - when was the last time you had a negative hiv test result? Unless you've been testing regularly, you could have been infected long ago and just didn't know. Your wife's negative status is nothing to go by - she wouldn't be the first wife to not test positive despite her husband being poz. It just might be that you infected the nurse, not the other way around.

I strongly suggest you get into therapy to work through your feelings of anger. What's important is where you go from here, now that you know your status. Looking back in anger will never change your hiv status.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Hi and thanks for the replies. I just blurted everything out.So some answers to the issues raised. I was not with my wife at the time of the affair, as we were going through a tough period.The other person and I discussed safe sex and she informed me she was std free. I had been tested approx 6 months previously due to getting a new visa. The test was negative. I learned she had infected other men only after I had been found +.Yes I agree it was a choice not to wear a condom.

Hi again!I have just reread the replies. While I acknowledge that I have to wear some of the blame I just can't shake my self hatred at what I have done, and now I have to live with the constant reminder of my actions.I am scared. I am scared of how people will act towards me if they find out. I am scared the meds will stop working or that I will get sick in the future and I am scars I will die early. I know I have to move on, that is why I joined this forum. I have never been a person to discuss my feelings so this is hard for meI tried therapy but my feelings are still to raw. I hope that the forum can give good if not better advice than the therapist.Oh we'll one day at a time and go and make a cup of tea. Chin up and so on.

I do not understand how your feelings can be to raw to talk to a therapist. That is exactly what they are there for. If you believe that you should be able to work through everything in one or two sessions, then it will not work. Nor will expected the therapist to have all the answers. They are there to help you work through your emotions and that takes time. Take a look at the good news..you wife is negative. That is good.

Jump in and start interacting around the forums here. Over coming fears about the virus is something we understand. It's a great group of people. We don't always agree, or get along, but we're all supportive of each other....even the Republicans.

What ? There are Republicans in this forum. I did not know that. Hmmm.

On to Bob...I can understand if you're a person who's not accustomed to talking about your feelings then going to a therapist to unpack issues about your new diagnosis and fears about the future and rejection would be difficult.

I'm with Mojo -- ya gotta go. If you don't like the therapist (and that happens--it's okay) then find another one.

It's the holidays and it's also just ordinary days. Count what's worth counting. You're married and have a negative wife and have a child on the way and you're employed and keep adding.

Wolfie's right -- in between the hustle and bustle of holidays and family when the fear creeps in, log on and let go.

Hi again!I have just reread the replies. While I acknowledge that I have to wear some of the blame I just can't shake my self hatred at what I have done, and now I have to live with the constant reminder of my actions.I am scared. I am scared of how people will act towards me if they find out. I am scared the meds will stop working or that I will get sick in the future and I am scars I will die early. I know I have to move on, that is why I joined this forum. I have never been a person to discuss my feelings so this is hard for meI tried therapy but my feelings are still to raw. I hope that the forum can give good if not better advice than the therapist.Oh we'll one day at a time and go and make a cup of tea. Chin up and so on.

The self hatred and rolling dark thoughts about HIV will pass eventually. Also - the medicine works - its not going to "stop working". There are few if any side effects. Taking it and sticking to it isn't hard work. Affording it is a pain in the ass, yes.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Thanks for the supports. Yes when I sit back and become sane I can see lots of positives ( lol no pun intended ) my sane moments are increasing week by week.However the darker thoughts like social stigma and the self hatred for my actions will take time to ease off.You guys n gals ( and republicans) are a real support for me. You have been there, seen it done it and can now testify. That I respect.Can any one help with me over coming the social stigma thoughts?Please don't suggest voodoo. I tried it but it went wrong and two of my teeth fell out and I was constipated for a week. :-)

Sadly no cure for the dark thoughts except time. Well, time and experiences both good and bad. But it will happen.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

Can any one help with me over coming the social stigma thoughts?Please don't suggest voodoo. I tried it but it went wrong and two of my teeth fell out and I was constipated for a week. :-)

Some methods I adopted to minimize dark depressive thoughts/ social stigma and anger:

1.Educate myself on HIV. It is a virus and not your identity. It doesn't define you or your personality. Whatever stigma you're feeling is self-imposed and totally unnecessary. As someone very wise once told me: "the sooner you realise that you have an infection to manage and not much else has changed the faster you will be able to get on with your life."

I asked Bob to elaborate because its perfectly possible for any HIV+ person to be ok with his/her status, but suffer from society's stigmatisation of HIV and HIV+ people, and discrimination against HIV people.

That is, the self-hatred and the social stigma can be two different beasts. Right?

And we all wonder how we are going to deal with other people's prejudices. And not having self-hatred does not spare us social challenges.

Is that clear???

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Hi sorry for the delay in my reply.The social stigma is down to people's ignorance with what HIV is. Where I live, people think it only infects gays who have lots of partners ( lucky them lol) or drug users. I am neither but feel forced into one of the two categories mentioned.So in some people's view HIV is a disease that will only infect people who 'deserve' it. Yes it is narrow minded but that is what is the common belief.No I don't associate with the people who have this idea, but I do have to work with them!

You just scratched the surface of all the possible social stigmas associated to the ultimate STD that HIV is. But you certainly mentioned some major stereotypes.

So you asked for advice on getting over the "social stigma thoughts." Let me see if I understand correctly.

1) In fact its the public's perception that its a gay and esp gay tramp disease. Well, you can't do much about this common public perception. Its slowly slowly dying but whatever, you really can't create a sea change, none of us HIV+ can. You could, of course, choose to be public about being HIV+. For other reasons (than fighting stigma) it might be good, or maybe unfortunately it might be forced upon you. But anyway, if you are known to be HIV+, then you could, as a side amusement (as it were) be proof that heteros are at risk and do get HIV. Just saying. Not my advice, as I don't think most people need their STDs to be known by workplace colleagues. Only people who need to know, is the ideal, right?

So, in a nut shell, you can't do much to change the "public"'s stigma attached to HIV. Maybe make your own little contribution, or maybe not, according to your life's priorities.

2) You don't like being forced into fitting a stereotype. (Gay, trampy gay.. or drug addict.) Well that's understandable. Nobody likes being branded with a Scarlet A, nor do they appreciate the entire social apparatus that put in place what qualifies for the Scarlet A. Except of course the perpetrators like all this. Self righteous, ignorant jerks.

So here my advice is, well you could refer back to option 1) and tell the jerks that you're hetero with HIV. Or if thats not an option, just be "bigger" or at least more wise, and chill, than the jerks. Thats really all you can do.

Sounds like you also need to overcome your own revulsion as to being falsely identified as gay, and to boot probably a gay tramp. Or drug addict. But as I said, since its mass stupidity that makes such stupid stereotypes and applies them, it is an invitation to bigger consciousness about society, and so, understanding what you can change and what you just have to accept is the way it is.

Miss P reported how they are supplying free condoms now in many Philadelphia High Schools. Because STD rates were so high, and 25% of new HIV infections are teens. TEENS! Mentioned just to show the dire consequences of all this ignorance and refusal to face the reality sex comes with a risk for STDs*. For all populations, heteros, tramps, gay tramps, drug addicts and Christian Republicans. *(not to mention... unwanted pregnancies! nor hurt people and messy breakups and divorces when we sexually betray...)

I watched a movie last week that I thought was a great visualisation of these themes. It's called "Easy A" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1282140/and its all about stigma and sex and STDs (and sexual orientation), in a High School context, and includes all the stuff we should all know, considering we all had to read The Scarlet Letter and supposedly learn its lessons. But alas we are human and a lot of people easily fall into stereotyping and creating and perpetuating stigma.

Eventually time and knowledge helps get some distance and most see all this stigma as completely ridiculous and maybe even worth a laugh or too. Hopefully, we can escape or avoid the hideous costs stigma and discrimination can inflict. I hope it doesn't effect you too much, in the long run.

« Last Edit: January 02, 2013, 10:59:10 AM by mecch »

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

PS Some people, myself included, find that disclosure in some context does help normalize the issue in all contexts.

I told all my friends and they told their friends. This had a lot of benefits for me quite immediately. And since there wasn't much stigma coming from friends, it helped me "feel" that social stigma is a big problem but in limited arenas of life. Also, as a fair amount of people were rather blasé and rather quickly, it did help me feel rather normal, another thing just like all the things everyone has to deal with.

But that's my situation in my country in my social set, and of course everyone has to fight their own battles in their own contexts.

But probably you'll find some disclosure somewhere, takes the sting off the instances of social injustice.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Wow, thank you from my heart. That was a very good post. I disclosed my situation to a friend, he was cool it. He disclosed he will be blind in 10-15 years due to eye disease so I have it good in comparison!This forum is a source of inspiration and support.Thank you all.

I really don't get all the digs about people not wearing a condom like they deserved to get HIV. What if the condom splits? what if you catch it orally (which does happen, my friend can vouch for that) O.k it's easier to shift the blame onto someone else but don't start kicking people when they are down about wearing rubbers! Thought this was a support forum

I really don't get all the digs about people not wearing a condom like they deserved to get HIV. What if the condom splits? what if you catch it orally (which does happen, my friend can vouch for that) O.k it's easier to shift the blame onto someone else but don't start kicking people when they are down about wearing rubbers! Thought this was a support forum

Are you HIV positive ... It my help to introduce your self before you come in blazing with criticism , also , I think you will find that there isn't a single member of this forum who believes anyone deserves HIV . That's a dreadful accusation .

I really don't get all the digs about people not wearing a condom like they deserved to get HIV. What if the condom splits? what if you catch it orally (which does happen, my friend can vouch for that) O.k it's easier to shift the blame onto someone else but don't start kicking people when they are down about wearing rubbers! Thought this was a support forum

You friend's "vouching" versus peer-reviewed scientific data? I am sure there are friends who will vouch that HIV doesn't exist.

As for you, nice entrance. If you are poz, then you might want to introduce yourself.

This IS a support forum. The OP was blaming his partner entirely for his infection, as anyone with the reading skills to peruse the thread would be able to ascertain. We simply reminded him that it was a consenting, adult choice HE made not to use condoms.

This is indeed a support forum. Abdicating the shared responsibility for our infection is the exact opposite of support.

I certainly hope to read bigger and better things from you in the future.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

Seroconverted: Early 80sTested & confirmed what I already knew: early 90s

Current regimen: Atripla. Last regimen: Epzicom, Sustiva (since its inception with NO adverse side effects: no vivid dreams and NONE of the problems people who can't tolerate this drug may experience: color me lucky )Past regimensFun stuff (in the past): HAV/HBV, crypto, shingles, AIDS, PCP

I was wondering how long it would be before criminalization surfaced on these forums in 2013, unless I missed it already

It hasn't been a day yet. Surely he or she will introduce himself/herself and let us breathe a sigh of relief knowing this is not a troll, or a person so new in his/her seroconvesion that s/he still thinks that s/he is an "us," now, and will never be a "them" again.

Growth is hard.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

If she knew that she was poz and continued practicing unsafe sex without disclosing her status to her partner, then it is a crime.

There are two basic types of laws "out there" in some parts of the world. Some laws make non-disclosure a crime, whether there is transmission, or not. Whether there is safe sex, or not. All kinds of variations.Other laws make hiv transmission a crime. There is a lot of complicated overlap in these laws.

Where do you live? You realise that people all over the world read this forum and contribute. Laws about HIV are not universal, you are aware of that.... ? But they are universally stupid.

Why don't you read a bit about the situation around the world and also in your locale, wherever that is.

I live in the USA, and I understand that there are many different ferent laws in different parts of the world. I think that when someone who is a poz knowingly hides the status and puts person 's life in danger of being infected is a crime.

I live in the USA, and I understand that there are many different ferent laws in different parts of the world. I think that when someone who is a poz knowingly hides the status and puts person 's life in danger of being infected is a crime.

I live in the US as well, and the laws vary widely from state to state. In many states, transmission does not even need to occur before a person is prosecuted.

In some states. sexual behavior that has never transmitted HIV such as performing oral sex and kissing have been grounds for prosecution.

In some states, spitting on an arresting officer is considered Assault With a Deadly Weapon if the person is positive.

I am completely and utterly against prosecution for HIV transmission between consenting adults who choose to forego condoms.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

Ok ladies calm down and have a nice cup of tea.The female in question denies any solid knowledge of having HIV however she has suspected it for some time. So in the eyes of the law she did not knowingly transmit the virus.Morally she was either negligent or reckless in not being tested. She admits that she should have mentioned when asked that she had a tramp scarlet past. But decided not to!I should have used a condom but let's face it, they would have expired before I got to use them lol.I don't know if she continues to 'forget' to tell people and to be honest she can do what she wants. I don't want to know about it or see her.

Morally she was either negligent or reckless in not being tested. She admits that she should have mentioned when asked that she had a tramp scarlet past. But decided not to!I should have used a condom but let's face it, they would have expired before I got to use them lol.

LOL not. Still seems like you yourself have judgments about who has HIV.

Done wrong by a tramp?

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Ok ladies calm down and have a nice cup of tea.The female in question denies any solid knowledge of having HIV however she has suspected it for some time. So in the eyes of the law she did not knowingly transmit the virus.Morally she was either negligent or reckless in not being tested. She admits that she should have mentioned when asked that she had a tramp scarlet past. But decided not to!I should have used a condom but let's face it, they would have expired before I got to use them lol.I don't know if she continues to 'forget' to tell people and to be honest she can do what she wants. I don't want to know about it or see her.

While I don't necessarily think two wrongs make a right, seems like everyone in that situation was negligent.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

Probably a question way off topic, but I can't resist. If instead of contracting HIV from this lady, you "knocked" her up; would it be OK to claim she was negligent for not disclosing that she wasn't protecting you against being an unwanted daddy?