9 Signs You May Be In an Abusive Relationship

In the lovey-dovey haze of the first few months of a relationship, it’s easy to turn a blind eye to potential red flags: the nagging, a passive-aggressive insult, or even uncomfortable sex. After all, this person makes you laugh and tells you you’re beautiful, so maybe you’re just making a big deal out of nothing, right? Or perhaps you’re in a marriage or long-term partnership and, despite all the things you love about them, you can’t help but feel suspicious about a few troubling tendencies.

No one wants to entertain the idea of their partner being physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive, but according to research published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, there’s no universal motivator for partner abuse—and taking precaution could be what helps a person survive that situation.

For the study, researchers recruited 348 female college students to take a series of surveys and questionnaires that measured the amount of relationship conflict they’ve experienced in the past—from minor and severe acts of aggression (like pushing and kicking) to emotionally abusive behavior (like making belittling comments in front of others).

The results: 95 percent of participants have been emotionally abusive while 30 percent have been physically abusive. What’s more, the American Psychological Association (APA) finds “more than one in three women and more than one in four men in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime,” with interpersonal violence being the leading cause of female homicides and injury-related deaths during pregnancy.

So what’s an effective course of action? Prevention, especially since abuse is a cycle and not one that is easily broken, says Ramani Durvasula, PsyD, a psychology professor at the California State University, Los Angeles and the former vice chair of the APA’s Committee on Women. “Once you give permission for a person to verbally or physically abuse you, precedent is set and communication with your partner goes out the window,” she says. Here are nine warning signs of an abusive relationship to keep an eye out for.

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1You’ve experienced physical violence.

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The biggest red flag of an abusive relationship is physical violence. Partners who go in for the push or hit of any kind should set off alarm bells, says Durvasula. You may be dealing with physical abuse if your partner repeatedly does any of the following, according to the The National Domestic Violence Hotline:

Pulls your hair

Punches, slaps, kicks, bites, or chokes you

Forbids you from eating or sleeping

Harms your children

Drives recklessly while you are in the car

Forces you to use drugs or alcohol

Hurts you with weapons

Prevents you from seeking medical attention

Prevents you from calling the police

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2Your partner constantly insults you.

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Does your partner use defamatory words in arguments or constantly undermine you? If you're shaking your head "yes," then pay attention,” says Durvasula. “It is abuse and can take a tremendous toll.”

“A good relationship should make you feel confident, loved, and supported,” explains Catia Harrington, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York. It’s part of your significant other’s job description. “If your partner makes you feel insecure or ‘less than,’ get out,” she warns.

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3...or asks you to change your appearance.

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It’s natural to want your partner to think you’re attractive, but if he decides that you, a curvy Ashley Graham type, would be prettier with a runway model body, that’s not right.

And your significant other should never, ever encourage elective surgery. One Seattle-based gynecologist, who preferred to remain anonymous, has seen patients whose partners have tried to pressure them into everything from anal bleaching to vaginal “rejuvenation.”

“I don’t perform any of these procedures anyway,” she says, “and I always try to steer them away from them if they’re for purely aesthetic reasons.” If you’ve always wanted to be a D cup that’s fine, but someone who loves you isn’t going to consistently insist you change the way you look if it’s not something you want for yourself.

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4You feel cut off from your friends and family.

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A partner who’s always finding fault with your friends or trying to distance you from your family is bad news. People like this will get resentful of everything, from the time you spent helping your sister plan her wedding to a night out with co-workers. “Jealousy is not cute, it’s a warning,” says Harrington.

For instance, getting a tiny bit pouty that your last boyfriend was a handsome multi-millionaire? That’s only human—but anything more than that could be a clue that he’s too controlling.

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5Your property has been destroyed.

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There are other physical signs your relationship may be taking a dangerous turn. “Destroying property during arguments, like wall punching and breaking objects, is a sign of dysregulated anger, or mood swings, that could escalate in the future,” says Durvasula.

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6Things go beyond comfort in bed.

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You know what turns you on and what doesn’t. For example, if you’re into anal sex and your partner is also a fan, then have at it. But say he’s into pulling your hair, and you find it painful—yet he insists. That’s when you’re moving into abuse territory. Ditto for the selfish lover who values his O above yours.

“It’s a red flag if your partner asks you to give up your pleasure for their own,” says Bianca Laureano, CSE, sex educator and co-founder of the Women of Color Sexual Health Network. “I see this a lot among women in heterosexual relationships where the experiences and touch they desire and enjoy is limited to their partner’s optimal pleasure.”

Another cause for concern? Sex that feels coerced or forced. “No means no whether you’re married, dating, or anything else,” says Durvasula. If you feel boundaries are being crossed in bed, your partner should never hesitate to respect that and stop when you tell them to.

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7 They break other boundaries, too.

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Whether it’s pushing you to make an extravagant purchase you can’t really afford or insisting on skydiving when you’re deathly afraid of heights, Laureano says your partner should never force you to push a boundary that you feel strongly about.

“If you were clear that you did not want to have a particular experience, ignoring your ‘no’ or boundary is moving toward manipulation and coercion,” she stresses.

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8Every move you make is monitored.

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Abusive relationships are rooted in control—and feeling like your partner is keeping track of your every move is a huge warning sign.

For instance, did he or she ask you for all of your private passwords? Take a step back and evaluate their motives. Invading your privacy is a form of control that can quickly escalate, says Harrington. She has counseled patients with partners who have locked down their lover’s bank accounts, hacked into their e-mails, and have ultimately gotten physically abusive. “Don’t make the mistake of thinking, ‘it’s just because he/she loves me so much!’” she warns.

In this case, you should seek help. “Such help can allow a person to establish a plan of safety,” says Durvasula. Even if nothing has happened yet, you can create a plan to help stop an abusive situation before it escalates.”

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9You’re told to just “get over it.”

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Maybe it’s as minor as getting teary-eyed about a conversation with a coworker, or as major as going into a panic attack when recalling a sexual assault from your past. A good partner is supportive and comforting when you need them to be.

“It’s a red flag if your partner asks you to get over your sexual assault or rape or other traumatic experience,” Laureano says. “Healing takes time, and someone who wants to experience you at your most powerful needs to make space and support your healing process.”

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