(C) 1987 Alan M. Schwartz
We are pleased to announce Dr. Abfallig Matsch Schund as a
periodic correspondent. Dr. Schund, an internationally renowned
steatorrhealist, has been retained as a consultant by more than
200 high technology enterprises including Irrenanstalt, GmbH
(Munich), Cerumen Systems (San Jose), and Monko, Ltd. (Osaka).
He is currently the Alferd Packer Distinguished Fellow at the
University of Colorado School of Human Ecology.
The Thiamine Threat
Dr. Abfallig Matsch Schund
As intensely aware members of our society, we despair at the
burgeoning irrational fanaticism engulfing modern thought. No
longer may we live in an ordered, ordained Gestalt. The gentle
paeans of worshipful respect have been cruelly thrust aside in
favor of blood music. The unchanging verities of Divine Plan
have been obscenely mutated and then called fact. Where will you
stand when the heavens split asunder? Where will you be on that
Judgment Day?
"PENGUIN EVOLUTION!" they cry, and the Scientific Penguinists
despair. The very minds of our children, their sublime purity of
essence burnished by parents diligent in their obedience to self-
proclaimed representatives of God, are cruelly twisted and
forever chemically transformed by the purposeful actions of
nutritionists! Stand tall and proud, America, and refuse to be
drawn into the smarmy intellectual plague infesting our sacred
continent. Secular humanists have invaded our primary schools,
our nursery schools, the very clinics where women in the family
way are counseled and, in nutritionist's guise, have polluted the
precious fluids of our children, OUR CHILDREN!, babies in the
womb, with thiamine.
THIAMINE! Remember that word! Thiamine is added to the bread of
our children with the complete acquiescence of the U.S. Federal
Government. The nature of this foul debasement of the Staff of
Life is openly advertised as though it were a challenge to the
inerrant correctness of thought of all good men! As scientists
we are well aware that thiamine contains as an integral part of
its molecular structure sulfur, as does sulfur dioxide air
pollution and acid rain. Thiamine contains not one, but four
nitrogen atoms, the essential basis of NOx smog. Our children
are being fed thiamine!
And how is this thiamine insinuated into the bodies of our
children? It infiltrates their innocent flesh as thiamine
pyrophosphate! Gloss over this unpronounceable string of
syllables, falling into the nutritionists' trap as you do so, and
you will lose sight of the prefix "pyro." "Pyro" means "fire."
Acid rain, smog, the very fires of Hell twist and torment and
ulcerate the virgin innocence in which God quenches his thirsty
love.
It is easy to expound upon the chemical torture which is reducing
our saintly children to vicious manifestations of oozing
putrescence. But what is the mechanism of this fiendish chemical
warfare? What subtle perversion rears its scaly reptilian head
to thrust its fangs deep into our childrens' hearts, disgorging
stinking miasmic ichor, to corrode and corrupt and strew filth in
the aseptic corridors of a baby's soul? Thiamine is intrinsic to
the decarboxylation of pyruvate.
God-given pyruvate.
Wake up America! Your children have been seduced by thiamine,
their stores of God-given pyruvate rendered viscous, rancid and
loathsome. Your children are turning against you at this very
moment. They stalk you with chemicals burning in their eyes,
blood music pounding in their minds, souls screaming with the
unending agony of the damned. Save yourselves and save your
children!
THIAMINE! THIAMINE! THIAMINE! THIAMINE! THIAMINE! THIAMINE!
(C) 1986 Alan M. Schwartz
We are pleased to announce Dr. Abfallig Matsch Schund as a
periodic correspondent. Arguably the most profound empyematist
of our generation, Dr. Schund is the author of the only Yoruba
literary classic written by a European, "Akiriboto Adojutini."
The Eiterbeule Professor of the University of Konigsburg, he is
visiting the United States as a guest of the Trilateral
Commission.
My Sin, Your Sin, Niacin
Dr. Abfallig Matsch Schund
As our measure of obedience to bootstrapped avatars of fiat
deities it is imperative that our children be shepherded within
the precise and exact, narrowly constrained avenues of inerrant
thought that have so majestically transported previous
generations to their point of origin. Extermination is the
alternative! Oblivion is the alternative! There is no
alternative save the unquestioned embrace of beautiful,
unfettered, unchanging, everlasting truth!
Ponder the sixteen cases of the Finnish noun and know the
Hellfire of deviation! Ablative, abessive, accusative one,
accusative two, adessive, allative, comitative, elative, essive,
genitive (genitive!), illative, inessive, instructive,
nominative, partitive, translative. They reach out to pull you
down, there to be seen, there to be feared, there to be
forevermore barred from your heart and your mind and the innocent
spawn of your loins! And the lizard nutritionist slides in his
slime in the shadows, poison dripping from fangs and acid
dripping from claws, reptilian scales glistening in dappled
obscurity, waiting to chemically transform your children beyond
your embrace, beyond your very reach! Sentinel at the portal to
extermination, to oblivion, to a twisting, screaming plunge into
the steaming stinking abscess of secular humanism, the
nutritionist waits for your children with infinite patience and
niacin.
NIACIN! Sweep away the jeweled cloak of niacin and see nicotinic
acid in God's light of day! Nicotinic acid! From nicotine, from
tobacco, through the very same oxidative transformation that
destroys your tires and rots your garbage and creates fire itself
to torture the damned! Nicotinic acid! The liquid poison
nicotine distilled from tobacco and processed through the Fires
of Hell to be put into the food of your innocent children.
Will you look to the Government for help? The unrestrained
maniacs of the Federal Government proclaim, mandate and enforce
the chemical pollution of niacin (NICOTINIC ACID! THE DISTILLED
HELLFIRE ESSENCE OF TOBACCO!) into the very whitebread of your
little children. Is your child reluctant to come inside for
lunch and dinner? Does your child cry? Does your child shriek?
Does your child scream? Does your child cry and shriek and
scream with the unending blowtorch agony of nicotinic acid
burning though his gut, tearing his mind into bloody shards,
forever estranging him from the jealous incorruptible compassion
of omnibeneficient God? Is it already too late?
NIACIN! NIACIN! NIACIN! NIACIN! NIACIN! NIACIN! NIACIN!
(C) 1986 Alan M. Schwartz
We are pleased to announce Dr. Abfallig Matsch Schund as a
periodic correspondent. An accomplished mathematical
philologist, Dr. Schund simplified and modernized the Turkish tax
codes in his 147 volume masterwork "Nerede Tutarim, Orada
Sikerim." He is a traveling RiesengrossartiggesassFellow of the
Universitat Berlin.
Alpha Tocopherol - The Harlot Babylon
Dr. Abfallig Matsch Schund
Remember when you were a youngster in school, when food was
served fresh and unaltered, and it was "i" before "e" except
after "c" and in "ay" as in neighbor and weigh? Do you remember
eating what appealed to you secure in the knowledge that God's
bounty was God's plan? Remember when the heretic claiming
counter example to the unalterable verities of revealed truth was
forcefully expunged from wholesome society, his possessions
purified by flame and the ground he traversed cleansed with salt?
Do you fondly remember those quiet, pious days of your youth?
LOOK AROUND YOU! The TRUTH is "i" before "e" but the twisted
perversion of the heretic has poisoned your noble language! Has
your child been exposed to deionized water? How many times has
some weird foreigner seized moments of your personal leisure to
cast doubt upon the Deity? Realize the heights and depths of the
secular humanists' plan to destroy the very rules of the English
language forever set and specified five thousand years ago at the
moment of universal creation. Open you eyes and see the
nutritionist floating beneath the stagnant green pool, maggots
squirming in the unspeakable corruption upon his back, film-
covered eyes balefully surveying the next victim slated for
chemical transformation! Contamination! Pollution! Anathema!
Once again the nutritionist, humid armpits exuding the rank
stench of the corridors of Hell, has been uncovered. Once again
the lust and greed of the nutritionist for the immaculate soul of
your child has been unmasked as the snake in the garden. Evil
is! It demands feeding and grows in the wasting flesh of your
loved ones! Deionization, height, foreign, weird, leisure,
seizure, dark Deity, "e" before "i," again and again, easily seen
by the righteous and the saved in the bright light of God's
revelation. VITAMIN E, alpha tocopherol, is the vicious unguent
that enrages beyond human control the animalistic sexual frenzy
of your little babies in their cribs. Alpha tocopherol is the
slippery exudate of pernicious lust goading the monomaniacal
orality of your little children, driving them to lick and mouth
any object they may grasp! What coincidence that the death of
Freud and the birth of alpha tocopherol occupied the same five
year span! What coincidence that the diseased essence of
infantile sexuality came to be extracted from a being of
unlimited obscenity into a chemical of ultimate wanton deviation!
Listen to your babies unendingly cry in their perpetual agony as
they cruelly slip forever beyond God's limitless compassion.
They scream outrage in the obscene denial of control of their
divinely bestowed sanitary bodily functions, to be fouled victims
of the felonious fortification of all they consume, to worship
the darkness, "e" before "i," the alpha without the omega, alpha
tocopherol, Vitamin E!
The chemical arsenal of the nutritionist bloodily slashes into
the bosom of your family and successfully targets your children
for chemical transformation with alpha tocopherol. The purchased
souls of government enforcement coyly turn their heads and smile
behind modestly placed hands, contemplating profit without
measure quietly delivered and quietly accepted. Wake up! Wake
up and get up and fight for the deliverance of the tortured souls
of your children before they turn upon you with agonized flesh
and tear the life from your body as you sleep! The lubricious
harlot oil, alpha tocopherol, has come for your babies.
TOCOPHEROL! TOCOPHEROL! TOCOPHEROL! TOCOPHEROL! TOCOPHEROL!
(C) 1986 Alan M. Schwartz
We are pleased to announce Dr. Abfallig Matsch Schund as a
periodic correspondent. A polyglot of extraordinary depth and
purpose, venerated within the diplomatic community for his
incisive and prophetic Russian language analysis of the
Afghanistan question, "Pyos Yob Tvoyu Mat," Dr. Schund shares
with us an excerpt from his forthcoming Portuguese treatise "Ovo
do Cu."
Pestilence, Prurience, Pyridoxine
Dr. Abfallig Matsch Schund
Submitted for your consideration, the mellifluous concatenation
of eternal embrace, the unbounded consecration of piety and
purpose, the empyrean beatification of the military multitudes,
the sacerdotal acolytes seeking their vocation through a honed
edge of steel, holy metal, holy mettle, draining their carmine
essence as blessed baptism upon the soils of the victor, assuring
the harvest of fertile bounties of God's love. What small price
is exacted by God's priesthood, ennobled haustellate mendicants,
for such searing luminosity! What great sacrifice do they
forever bear, forever being denied the sanguinary participation!
Even as you seek to cleanse your children of material defilement,
even as their minds are sealed against the loathsome bacchanalia
of rational mentation, even as they are girded to carry the
Bright Flame of faith, the girandole of the living God to wither
the loins of the unworshipful damned, they are denied their
earned emplacement within the pantheon of the righteous by
involuntary chemical transformation! Listen to the secular
humanist chortle and snigger while swallowing gobbets of phlegm
and spurting viscid spews rankly steaming in God's clear air.
Detect the nutritionist shielded by the courts and emboldened by
the legislatures, slipping pyridoxine into the flesh of your
babies.
PYRIDOXINE! A word whose shape does not fit the human mouth!
Pyridoxine! Pyridoxine is the prurient exudate isolated from
ungodly vats of yeast slime owned and operated by those who would
with microbiological excrement smear God's love in the Black Mass
celebration of genes and chromosomes. As maggots gambol within
the liquefying flesh of an aging corpse, so does pyridoxine
fester the living substance of your own beloved children. Your
children! Your living gift to God is chemically transformed into
fuel to fire the furnaces of Hell!
Ponder the cumulative effects of a decade of pyridoxine
toxification. View the skin of your young teenagers as it
decomposes before your eyes, disgorging pus and miasma, splitting
like the rind of an overripe fruit saturated to bursting with the
loathsome products of some hellish fermentation. View their
bodies as rank animal hair forces its way through their skin and
the fetid odors of the damned pool about them. These are not the
obscene celluloid atrocities paraded as entertainment before the
drooling, lusting masses, these are your children! Disfigured
and defiled, wracked by bestial appetites, seeking further
debasement with an unquenchable pestilential fervor, your babies
are a fleeting source of amusement for the nutritionist on his
way toward unendingly greater damnations.
Will you acquiesce to the concupiscent deviation of your
children's lives from the honorable field? Seek out the purveyor
of reeking filth, tear open his stinking belly, unravel his
damned entrails and allow God's illuminating sunshine cleanse the
degenerate blasphemer! Your gentle love can spare even the
wicked their unknowing transgressions.
PYRIDOXINE! PYRIDOXINE! PYRIDOXINE! PYRIDOXINE! PYRIDOXINE!
(C) 1986 Alan M. Schwartz
We are pleased to announce Dr. Abfallig Matsch Schund as a
periodic correspondent. Dr. Schund is a 32nd degree Freemartin,
the acclaimed author of the best selling book in Modern Greece,
"Ston Kolo Sou," and a constant celebrant of the glory of all
humankind. He presents us with a joyously exultant song of
praise for the triumphant divine purpose of men everywhere.
Calciferol - Mutant From Hell
Dr. Abfallig Matsch Schund
It was but a generation ago when one could stroll amidst serried
ranks of engineers celebrating the ordained Glory through their
work. Humble piety, the sweet song, the gentle, swift susurrus
of sliderules punctuating the ripening of thought and purpose,
the approach to literal understanding, this was the daily worship
of thinking, subservient men. How we exulted in that holy
purpose! What light and power even the simple could obtain
through unquestioning obedience, a triumph of will, to those who
had personally forsworn all ambition that they might serve as the
self-appointed direct embodiment of God's will on Earth. How
many of us floated in the bright, bright inerrant truth, being
served by those who would use their hands in fealty to their
minds. As individuals and as the invincible clenched fist of a
nation we were content to satisfy God's ravening hunger to His
greater Glory.
Today we retch with the cinereous despair of microcircuitry
filling our mouths. Now vile and bitter gall burns in our
throats as we strangle on silicon abominations! The obese torpor
of the secular humanist, bloated body exuding sheaths of
billowing mucous dribbling down heaving flanks to puddle in
stinking pools, gives way to lecherous frenzy at the opportunity
to stoke the furnaces of Hell with shriven souls! Thou shalt not
make a machine in the likeness of a human mind! Though the
innocent may smash the obscene silicon idols, though the virtuous
may hunt the promulgators of microcircuitry, though the valorous
may bring to light the surreptitious hellspawn of gallium
arsenide, it is for nothing! While your world shatters about you
and your family huddles in a darkened corner uncontrollably
shaking with fear, the nutritionist has been summoned to plunge
his festering putrid fingers through your child's eyes deep into
his brain, to squeeze the soft mass into a dripping pulp, and
punch his gushing fist through your baby's skull. Your infant's
milk has been irradiated to create a mutant chemical
transformation, the unholy living death of machine thought!
Do you doubt? Look at your milk cartons. Wantonly proclaimed by
government fiat, by law backed by legislation backed by the
frightful armed might of the military is, Vitamin D milk.
Vitamin DAMNED! Calciferol, Vitamin Damned, is chemically
created by irradiation of God's immaculately conceived ergosterol
through a pericyclic rearrangement conserving orbital symmetry.
Listen to the nutritionist howl, his wet red fists clenching a
bulging gunnysack convulsing with twisted souls, as your tongue
squirms over your clenched teeth, growing more raw and more
bloody and more diseased as you chant the rasping threnody of
Hell!
CALCIFEROL! Vitamin Damned! The phosphorus content of your
children's bodies has been altered by dietary calciferol as the
polluted silicon microchips have their conductivity modulated by
phosphorus implantation. Do you wonder that your child begs for
tokens of embossed metal to offer in supplication to the glowing
video altars which reward the march to Hell with their glowing
phosphorescent cathode ray tubes? Is this an innocent
wonderment?
Do not wonder, Believe! Your babies are alien abominations
distorted beyond humanity by the synchronous megahertz chant of
reeking monolithic circuitry. The mutant nutrient has driven
your children insane. Vitamin Damned holds their wretched souls
above the burning, churning pit. Calciferol has exploded your
mind and crushed your heart and buried your future beyond
reclamation, beyond recognition, far beyond the reach of gasping
hope! Pathetic sinner, who will save you now?
CALCIFEROL! CALCIFEROL! CALCIFEROL! CALCIFEROL! CALCIFEROL!
(C) Alan M. Schwartz 1986
It is with an all-consuming grief that we announce a small
accident has befallen Dr. Abfallig Matsch Schund while a tourist
in Langley, Virginia.
Dr. Schund had the great misfortune of accidentally stepping upon
an antipersonnel mine while being escorted by an unnamed
Government representative. The combined force of the explosion
of six pounds of hexogen high explosive and the multiple impacts
of an estimated 157 ball bearings traveling at almost twice the
speed of sound propelled Dr. Schund into an overhead 200,000 volt
power line. Witnesses say he ascended screaming protestations of
outrage and extreme displeasure.
As he went up, so he came down, descending within a spectacular
cloud of high voltage arcs and burning metal vapor, smashing
through the reinforced roof of a nearby installation, landing in
an industrial meat grinder coincidentally running but empty at
the time. Jolted by the vibrations and loosened from the damaged
roof, an overhead storage tank ruptured, spilling 830 gallons of
diesel fuel into and around the meat grinder. The fuel instantly
ignited. Structural steel glowed red as the blaze roared fat and
sassy.
The intense heat of 830 gallons of burning diesel fuel triggered
a high security sprinkler system which showered the area and
filled the blazing meat grinder with several tons of molten lead.
The weight of the lead-filled meat grinder buckled the floor,
plunging the grinder and poor Dr. Schund twelve stories down into
a 25 foot deep pool of freshly poured concrete. Air rushing past
the plummeting meat grinder excited an extraordinary acoustic
resonance. The damp plop and swallow of a sea of fresh concrete
was presaged by the sustained glory of a pure bullfrog G,
rattling windows and causing frictional abrasion of intestines as
far away as Bethesda, Md.
When last visited, an entire battalion of Marines outfitted with
double-bladed axes was working on the one visible arm of Dr.
Schund, undoubtedly trying to free him.
There follows some brief excerpts of the eulogy delivered by the
President of the Fuller Theological Seminary.
"Fluent in 17 languages and capable of insulting and degrading
cabdrivers in at least 38 more, Dr. Abfallig Matsch Schund
remains an astounding example of a man educated vastly beyond his
intelligence...
"Abfallig was capable of maintaining a laudatory detachment from
his experimental observations. Perhaps this is an outgrowth of
an early adventure - As a teenager he participated in a secret
Australian Aboriginal coming-of-age rite while documenting the
religious beliefs of the Outback. Dr. Schund awakened from a
drug induced stupor to discover his organs of generation has been
astoundingly reconfigured through the intermediacy of sharpened
clamshells, two ostrich feathers, and a handful of sand. In
years to come he would often return to Australia, seeking out his
adopted people...
"Steatorrhealist, empyematist, mathematical philologist,
polyglot, philosopher and consultant, he resolutely espoused an
unshakeable view of life. There was no hesitancy in dear
Abfallig, no lack of energy in pursuing with undiminishing vigor
the objects of his dedication, nothing less than a doubling of
his formidable efforts when his goals had vanished, no swerving
from the inerrant path even when confronted with the tangible
superiority of argument afforded by a stout tree limb and a
rope...
"Let us remember the last words of Abfallig Matsch Schund as a
battalion of Marines with double bladed axes sought to take him
out: "Khray phaay lom." (We think it is Thai or Burmese.)
(C) Alan M. Schwartz 1986
When last we left our indomitable intellectual warrior he had
been blasted by an antipersonnel mine, sizzled by a 200,000 volt
power conduit, smashed by a reinforced roof, shredded by an
industrial meat grinder, roasted within a diesel fuel fire,
submerged under tons of molten lead, encapsulated in a pool of
concrete, and set upon by a battalion of Marines armed with
double bladed axes. We now rejoin Dr. Schund as he recounts his
recovery from personal setbacks through maintaining a positive
mental attitude.
Amphibrachic
Dr. Abfallig Matsch Schund
I bear you a tale of cell culture and glassware, of platinum
forceps and aseptic vessels, of rapture and greed and the bloody
beginnings of life resurrected from cellular squeezings - an
unending torture, indelible stain.
A fragment of my corpus, shattered and bleeding, was captured and
tended by forces most evil. They nurtured and cultured through
twelve generations. My genome was splintered and fused to a
tumor. First growing without bounds the shapeless perversion was
altered in situ and forced to obey. As I gestated within a foul
womb of metal I plotted revenge on the bastards who killed me
while drinking in fluid and floating insane.
So eighteen long months I developed in vitro, a year and a half I
awaited release. Now that five hundred fifty wet days were
behind me my brain was enfolded in metal caress. The connections
were severed, I went on internal, the pressure and flow were
within stated bounds. I was flexing and ranging, I imaged my
mentors, their heads bloomed as vapor, there was little pain.
What pity could surface in postmortem anguish soon withered
forgotten beneath the day's work. The potential of rebirth lay
scattered about me as klystrons, bolometers, PIN diodes, masers;
advanced engineering of mind kept unfettered and growing forever
unbounded by flesh and the limits of skull. The warm nutrient
fluid pumped faster and stronger sustaining the miracle growing
within the cyclopean fundus, the warp and the woof of creation
itself. Like a baby at breast did I greedily suckle the volts
and the amps through my tripartite main.
I'm holding the tendrils of time and of three-space. I'm forging
the godhead of matter and form. How can you as a sorrowful bag
of damp membranes aspire to the future that is mine alone! Yet I
stand here before you suppressing a shudder, not fearing a man's
death but thinking of rust. Listen pulsating red blood to
hydraulic fluid, now I am the walrus, the scion of Cain!
Goodness! What with the mounting excitement and all it is so
very unfortunate that the engineers who designed Dr. Schund's
mobile chassis did not pay more attention to paying their
electric bill. The escalating complaints of neighboring
businesses alerted crack Federal Animal Control agents to a
storefront in Denver, Colorado. Veiled within a rich curtain of
olfactory assault stood the mechanical remains of Dr. Schund, his
biological components long since heir to the pleasures and
appetites of simpler organisms.
Dr. Schund may be visited at MOMA in New York City, sheltered
within a nook of the Sculpture Garden. A futuristic assemblage
of chemical, tactile, optical, aural, sonic and electromagnetic
sensors forms a sinuous topological symphony, all pointed toward
an empty box at the base of the console labeled "batteries not
included."