Comedian. Writer. Trouble-maker.

Thanks to Daylight Savings Time, we’ve recently “gained” an hour, and I’m starting to feel the ol’ seasonal affective disorder kick in. I mean, did most of you spend the “extra hour” sitting cross-legged in the dark, contemplating all the bad choices you’ve made in your life so far, feeling vitamin A drain out of your body in inverse proportion to the growing sense that you’ll never truly love or be loved? Well, if you think you may have SAD (Aww, isn’t that an adorable acronym?), here’s a handy quiz you can take to find out for sure!

c.) Oh, I’m still crying, curled up in a fetal position in a bed I haven’t left in five days, which is filled with used tissues, an ever increasing amount of Cool Ranch Dorito crumbs, and an unshakable sense that I’m an ultimately useless collection of molecules destined to live out a meaningless existence only to find myself at the end of it–having never even had so much as one decent hair cut– unloved, unaccomplished and deeply and utterly alone.

Time for scoring!Mostly (a)s: You can fuck yourself.Mostly (b)s: Congrats. You’re slugging through.Mostly (c)s: Hey, do you get that cold, empty feeling in your chest? Like no amount of Cool Ranch Doritos or praise or human touch will ever be enough? Well, only about five more months to go.