Archive for February, 2008

What is so important about the website StuffWhitePeopleLike is the priceless information that it provides bringing you into the wheelhouse of white’s affections. It helps you understand why white moves the way they do and I think it removes some of the confusion to their motives. White really is good people after it’s all said and done, albeit they are quirky mofos.

The same can be said bout Black folks too. The problems that arise among races is only because of the lack of understanding about what turns people on. What if white knew what Black people liked? Don’t you think that they would make it more accessible? Hellz yeah!?! If for no other reason than to get paid. Sheeeeeeeit.

So as a method for facilitating better racial harmony and as a wrap up to my celebration of Jig History Month 2008 I decided to compile a list of the stuff that Black people like. I ask that all my white readers use this guide in order to better express your friendship for your Black friends and in case you don’t know any Black people let this guide be your entree into establishing a friendship with one of the darker skinned denizens of the planet Earth.

You know you want to white people.

Blonde Black Girls
It’s not just gentlemen that prefer blondes, but Black people as well, especially Black women. From BeYONCE to KEISHA COLE to MARY J. BLIGE, blonde is the new black. Any Black man with the means will always get himself the real authentic version, but for the rest of us we choose something like the woman in the above picture.

Car Washing
Giving a Black man his propers after he has washed his car is like telling a woman that you like the shoes she is wearing. It makes the pain of the carnote worth every penny. For extra credit you can tell him that his wheels look especially shiny.

Fancy Wine
Black people don’t like fancy wine for the same reasons that white enjoy it. White drinks wine. Black people use it to name their children. Rose, Chardonnay, Alize, just you wait until Black people find out that Cabernet ends with the same sounding pronunciation.

Kool-Aid
This is the only grape shit that Black folks like to drink.

Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits
It has been already been established that Black people love these things. I watch Black folks leave the Red Lobster in Westbury with plastic bags as if they had just gone food shopping. Why can’t Black folks just finish their dinner at the restaurant? Too many cheddar biscuits I suppose.

White Friends
I have to thank GOD everyday for my white friends. Without them I would be firmly planted in the working class. With them on my team I am at least allowed to think that I can be middle class. Drinking wine > naming your children after wine.

** ‘Favela Rising’ screens tomorrow at the Brooklyn Museum of Art First Saturday. BMA’s First Saturday theme is Brazilian Night. So get out your samba shoes and come dance with a gaggle of Black Bebel Gilbertos.

Thank you sweet Black History Month Jesus for giving us this extra day of February to freeze our nuttsachs off celebrating Africa.

If there is one thing I would like to accomplish in my life it would be to move Black History Month to the same time of the year as “Harlem Week”. This way we can get all this Black Bullshit over with at the same time.

Plus, you can’t celebrate Blackness properly when shit is bricker than a muv up in this muv.

As usual, DP Dot Com likes to celebrate shit by giving away crap to his faithful readers. So along with this website’s FaceBook contest we will have a ‘Name That Negro’ music quiz. Whomever gets the most correct answers will win a FREE copy of the ‘Deep Cover’ DVD. This movie stars LAURENCE ‘Don’t Call Me Larry’ FISHBURNE as well as 40 DAWG’s role model, CLARENCE WILLIAMS III. “Deep Cover’ is widely considered to be required viewing as part of the Hip-Hop genre’s cinematic canon.

I also have another copy left of ‘Escape From New York’ which stars ISAAC HAYES as the underworld godfather in a post-apocalyptic New York City. And as an added treat I will also give away my personal copy of the ‘Red Sonja’ movie starring a pre-crackhead, pre-Flavor Flav BRIGETTE NIELSEN.

Like all the great slap-box champions would say, “Go for what you know…”

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** Post Script: [ll] and nullus to all this slow shit. This was supposed to be a Valentine’s Day podcast. Shit dropped late. So sue me.

Peace party people, I’ve been owing Dallas and the beloved community here at DP.com a drop for a minute. I missed out on Negroe Hiss-tray Munph and I actually had my shillz lined up to flip an ill gem on Billy Sunday’s etemology of the word “Neggar”. Don’t be lost on the Teutonic roots of the word because one of the patron saints of Germany is a “nigga” himself – St. Maurice. Do the knollie, even though they white washed JC the Nazarene the pundits at Nicea kept ol’ Mo as dark as a sack of African Black.

But I’m getting sidetracked. I was and still am struggling with some BS legal biz that I can’t speak on which kinda had your dude in the dumps, however I’m using this drop to say I’m back and I owe this in part to one man…

Sir Clarence Willams III – “The Last Real 14th Letter Bomb Alive”

I first came across C-Dubbz as a youngin’ watching ‘Purple Rain’ because I was too young to get in to ‘The Mod Squad’. I was intrigued and terrified by this white woman slapping, alcoholic, failed musician stuck on the south side of Minneapolis (it’s only now I realize as a man I’d probably pretty upset if I was stuck in cold ass pre-NBA Minny and had an androgynous son living in MY basement). Clarence Williams scared the shit outta me. With those intense glares and fucked up wig piece this dude meant business. Plus when his only retort to his hysterical wife was “DON’T I KEEP THE HEAT ON?”, I figured Ike Turner and Francis L. probably hung out when Ike was in town.

CW would continue to make appearances and I noticed this common thread in his performances. He seemed to always play this man who’s gotten his ass kicked by The Man, the world, the needle, whatever and no matter how broken the character, no matter how flawed, he always kept an air of dignity. It was this “I ain’t dead yet muhfucka” demeanor that made you have to give his due, because no matter his foibles he was still a man. For example:

‘Deep Cover’ (1992)
C-Dubbz played the role of Taft, the outta touch detective who still thought he could save the world with his outmoded tactics of his badge and his Bible. Probably a running joke in the precinct but he stayed true, and Fish’s character knew he was right.

‘Sugar Hill’ (1994)
CW3 went in as A.R. Skruggs, the cliched ex-jazz musician junkie and failed hustler. Though his sons are successes on the street and he’s a hot mess his sons still understand that he’s their dad. A.R. is the conscience of his children – the constant reminder of the ills of their trade..

‘Hoodlum’ (1997)
Mister Clarence in the role of Bub Hewlett, the Negroe henchman of Dutch Schultz and “Uncle Tom” thug. Its hard out there for Bub. Constantly disrespected by his boss (“Don’t be proud!”) and the people of Harlem. No wonder he had a ‘tude. But he was not to be fucked with either and in the end helped engineer the Dutchman’s demise.

So all of this to say what? The roles of Clarence Willams III have done more to encompass the every man of black men in America. He represents the downtrodden man who’s become engulfed by the demons he’s taken on just to cope in this world. But even in the midst of this he retains a level of respect and manhood that he will not let you forget even in its darkest moments. We’ve all, friends seen uncles, cousins, oldheads in the barber shop, fathers & relatives of friends, and even ourselves that make the roles of CW3 that much more real.

What I’ve taken from the repertoire of Sir Clarence, is that even in your lowest moments, even when the rest of the world may view you one level about dog shit, you still have to steel yourself and keep that glare. That fire in your eyes no matter how small that cuts through all the judgmental bullshit, which makes a muhfucka think twice when he’s about to write you off. Because even if you cant say it, those windows of the soul lets everyone know that “I might be fucked up now, but I’m still a fuckin’ man and don’t you forget that!”

Thank you Clarence, thank you for reminding me when I had a lapse and was wallowing on my bullshit to keep that fire in the eye.