the princess diaries

As a loyal and respectful lifetime royalist I thought I’d share with you Morwenna Ferrier’s Guardian scoop where she managed to gain access to Meghan Markle’s personal diary for the month of December. It quite brought a tear to my eye and here it is, verbatim:

Dear Diary

Saturday 2nd

Moving into Harry’s cottage next week. Can’t wait. It’s too cute! Need to get a juicer asap.I love it here. Everyone is so friendly! People back home kept telling me the royals are racist but I asked Har and he said Philip adores his trips to the colonies. Really, really love it here.

Wednesday 6th

So, turns out the house used to be Kate and Will’s. And theirs is bigger. WTF. Still need to get a juicer.

Monday 11th

Wow, I used to love the Daily Mail but they are SUPER mean! It’s like they have a whole team of people dedicated to digging through my past!

Tuesday 12th

It turns out the Daily Mail have a whole team of people dedicated to digging through my past! Har said we could totally sue them if they keep publishing old pics. Love my man!

Sunday 18th

Totally bonding with Kate. She’s, like, always pregnant, which is a bit worrying!? But super fun. I met Pippa, too. Seems kinda moody. Pretty though! In the States we’ve only ever seen her from behind.

Wednesday 20st

Quit Suits but I’m totally going to quit Twitter, too. Everyone is being so mean about my divorce. Harry says divorcees are hot and that I’m like Wallis Simpson in WE. I love that film! She has the cutest hats. Hope I get to meet Madonna soon.

Thursday 21st

So yeah they already deleted my Twitter for me. Apparently I’m too ‘outspoken’ about Hillary and Trump and Brexit. My lady in waiting has taken the wifi code until I agree to ‘stay neutral’. Sh*t here’s like The Circle. Filmed my last episode of suits today. Squeal! Can’t wait to be a wifey.

Monday 25th

Met Harry’s grammy today! She’s super sweet and short, but keeps calling me Miss Merkel by mistake. Like, I get it, she’s old and stuff but like I told Mon, I’m not the German here. They also told me not to call her Grammy. We’ll see:) Really hope I get to meet Madonna.

Tuesday 26th

I’m so bored. Today I decided to familiarise myself with British culture, because we’ll be travelling around a lot (um that wasn’t in the brochure, Harry!), so I’m watching King Ralph, Grand Designs and something called Currie, which is a show about a street. I also downloaded Monarch of the Glen, which looked cute, but Harry thinks that it’ll be kinda pointless soon.

Friday 29th

Should really go to sleep but I’m 368 pictures deep into Cressida’s Instagram and I can’t stop. God she’s pretty. Stupid name though. Harry said he’s going to roast a chicken, but think I’m going to go vegan. Need to tell Har. Brits are so weird. I miss Suits.

I’m Carl - my phone isn’t smart, I’ve never sent a tweet, I'll never pose for a selfie, and I’m not my son's friend on Facebook. In fact, I’m no-one’s friend on Facebook. I read, I digest and I regurgitate with my spin on the things that matter. To me.

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