(Closed) Just so lost. What can I do to fix this? Sex life doomed? :( (long)

I just need to vent, and before anyone comments…I know that me and my Fiance need to go to counseling, but right now that’s not an option. With our schedules it is impossible, so I really just need to know how to better comuunicate, and to get him to better communicate so we can figure this problem out.

So here’s the deal. Me and my Fiance never have sex anymore, maybe once or twice a month. If you’ve read my previous post, you would know that my Fiance emotionally cheated a year and a half ago, and ever since then well, for about 6 months our sex life has suffered. I got on the pill and it took my sex drive away for the most part. But I am really not into sex with my Fiance anymore and I don’t want it to be like this.

I just have no desire for it, when we first got together we only saw each other on the weekends and we did it 7 or 8 times in that weekend, now maybe once or twice a month. =/ He called me on his work break today and said how unhappy and frustrated he is because he wants to have sex, but I just can’t do it, and a lot of the reasons why is tied to emotional reasons like this:

He is very immature. He jokes around all the time about stupid stuff (farting, etc.), he picks on me thinking its funny when it’s not (i.e; how I’m obsessed with makeup and how I spend too much money on it, how when I get a job i’m not going to pay bills I’m only going to shop, things like that) < which totally aren’t true…he says these things which hurt me, even though he says he’s joking about them but I’ve told him time and time again that his jokes aren’t funny especially when they are so personal. Also, his sense of humor, he has a very dry sense of humor and I can never tell when he’s joking about something, instead if he jokes it just sounds like a personal attack and I get upset. I’ve explained this to him a thousand times and he just doesnt get it at all. He keeps joking and poking at me in a million ways and I can no longer emotionally connect with him.

Like today…we went to meet with the caterer to give the deposit and on the way back to go home I wanted to stop at a fast food place to get a sandwich because I hadn’t eaten and I was feeling light headed. I was going to pay for the sandwich myself and I asked if we could stop, I was digging through all of my change to find enough to buy some food and he says “Geez, you’ll do anything to eat fast food won’t you?” and I said, “No, I’ll do anything to get food because I havent eaten and I need to”. It was so upsetting because IIIIII was paying for it not HIM! Why does it matter? I’m not overweight, I don’t eat it all the time like I used to, and I NEEDED FOOD! Before I passed out!

These are the types of things he says on a daily basis that really get to me, and its constantly. he can never be serious, and he’s 26, I’m 21. I feel like I’m dealing with a 10year old boy and its so irritating. This is pushing me away and I really dont want to have sex because hes never serious, he even jokes as we are fooling around, he cant ever be serious.

I ask him to tone it down some and he just never does, I’ve had the conversation with him a million times and he just doesnt get why it upsets me so much, it wouldnt if he wasnt so personal about his jokes. But he calls me on his work break today and tells me how unhappy he is and frustrated and makes me feel awful because I know we need to have sex, and I want to, but I just cant emotionally connect because he acts so immature all the time anymore. When we first got together he didnt make the jokes as much because he was afraid I would leave him, now that hes comfortable he just doesnt know when to stop.

How can I deal with this? I really want to marry this man because he can be really sweet and everything and be manly and all of that when he wants to be, but I cant even imagine having children with him if hes always going to act like one himself. I want our amazing sex life back not only because I miss it, but because our relationship might not last if I dont give it to him.

If you have any advice on how to communicate this to him that would be great. Like I said, I know we need counseling but we really cant right now, so I need to know how to fix this without it. Thanks for listening.

Well you certainly right about the need for counseling – lots of issues here. I gathered you are not married yet. I recommend that you take some time to really think this through. Weddings are nice and all that (and I have had two and been in too many-to-count) but after the wedding comes daily life — please ask yourself if you want to live everyday for the rest of your life with this person. His inappropriate/annoying joking is not likely to go away just because you want it to. And “can be really sweet” may be true but you are talking about your potential life partner , can you count on him?

Should you be getting married? I’m sorry for being so honest, but I think until you can actually get the time to go to counseling and make sure that this is really right for you. I would put this on hold and give it some time. He hasn’t treated you right and still doesn’t seem to be. I would make sure that you’re 100% happy before the marriage.

If you were really sure wouldn’t you find the time for counseling? You could have gone today instead of going to pay a deposit. If it’s worth fighting for you will find the time.

@mwitter80: We can’t go to counseling. We don’t have the money to go. I said this already. I want to know how I can communicate with him without being rude back, and if anyone could relate and help me out.

You don’t need counseling. You need to get out of this relationship. I haven’t even read your other thread regarding the cheating, but I’m telling you right now you are not compatible for one another. If it weren’t so crass to do so, I would place a bet on this marriage ending in divorce. Except I can’t imagine anyone naive enough to bet against me that it wouldn’t.

I’d like to expound on this with a multitude of examples from this post, but I think instead I will use just one:

I cant even imagine having children with him if hes always going to act like one himself.

Well if he wants sex so badly, he’s going to need to start respecting you. I think that picking on you after you’ve explicitly asked him not to shows a lack of respect, whether he realizes/intends it or not. And if you want children, but can’t see yourself having children with a man who acts like a child, where does that leave you? Not having kids if he doesn’t change? Having kids with him anyways and being constantly frustrated? Hoping he’ll grow out of it? Finding someone else who is a better fit for you?

If you belong to an organized religion, find out if the religious figure offers free or greatly reduced counseling. If either of you are in school, every school I’ve ever been to has free counseling for students. If his/your school doesn’t have it for free, they probably have it for much cheaper than if you went outside of the school.

ETA: So he cheated on you, too? I missed that by accident. I’m all for keeping hope alive and thinking maybe people can work through their issues, but so far it sounds to me like you’ve tolerated more than I ever would. Do you deserve to be suffering the way he has you suffering? I doubt it. Of course none of us readers know the full story, but I would’ve been long gone by now, just based on the things you’ve said here. But if you really think it’s worth one last try, look into religious and/or school based counseling.

I’m going to agree with several of the ladies here, I don’t think this is the right guy for you and it’s better to end the relationship sooner rather than later. Ask yourself this question… “Do I want a lifetime of _______”?(fill in the blank) If the answer is no then RUN!!!!.

He doesn’t respect your feelings and says mean things. He’s childish and although he’s emotionally cheated and maybe thats one reason your sex life is lacking but another may be you’re not attracted to a guy that acts like a child. I know I wouldn’t be. I wish you the best sweetie and you know we’re all here for you.

@redangel: I’m joining the “brutally honest” camp, here. You say you think you have communication issues. Honey, it sounds to me like you are communicating just fine! You have made your needs and wishes WELL known. The fact that he is IGNORING your needs, broke your trust, belittles you, and acts like a 10 year old does not point to a communication issue. It points to him being an asshole. Even if he is sweet a lot of the time (obviously you have your good times as well as your bad), you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you, and who wants to build you up rather than tear you down. You are SO young and have SO much of your life ahead of you. I can 100% guarantee you that there is a better, kinder, sweeter, more mature, more trustworthy man out there for you. I know it may not seem like it now, but you are WAY too young to be in a passionateless marriage. Hell, everybody’s too young to be in a passionateless marriage!

Sweetie, you deserve to be with someone who listens to your needs, puts you before himself, and does whatever he can to make you happy. He’s not acting like a mature, 26 year old man should act, and you deserve someone who will.

You’ve told him how you feel, you need to explain that this behavior is unacceptable, and he is hurting you and your relationship by continually not listening to you. Make the correlation that his lack of communication to you is JUST as hurtful as a lack of sex is to him. Both are necessary for a healthy relationship.

If it were me, I would let him know that this disregard for your thoughts and requests are hurtful, and you won’t tolerate it anymore. So, he has a choice — give you the respect and love you deserve, or you’re out.

Ditto. If he gives you a hard time for wanting to have a meal because you haven’t eaten now..what if you later had children and are too busy to make food and want him to make a food run for you?? You would die of starvation! I would say have a real heart to heart talk to him…if he still make jokes after your heartfelt talks, then i say you have some thinking to do. The way he’s treating you right now is like an older brother to his little sister…and an awful of a jerk brother at that! I hope you can get him to tone down a little!