Trump Suspends First Amendment For “Disrespectful Urbans Who Play Pro Sports”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a development that is sure to spark intense debate on its implementation and even constitutionality, President Donald J. Trump signed an executive order today that stripped what he called “disrespectful urbans who play pro sports” of their First Amendment protections of free speech and expression.

This order came after weeks of NFL players joining former quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s protest of police brutality in the African American community by taking a knee or otherwise not participating in National Anthem ceremonies before games. Trump has repeatedly attacked NFL players who protest in this fashion, and after Marshawn Lynch only stood for the Mexican anthem before a game played in that country between the New England Patriots and Lynch’s Okland Raiders, Trump took to Twitter again to blast him.

Marshawn Lynch of the NFL’s Oakland Raiders stands for the Mexican Anthem and sits down to boos for our National Anthem. Great disrespect! Next time NFL should suspend him for remainder of season. Attendance and ratings way down.

This morning, Trump issued his executive order, saying he’d had more time to think about it “on the shitter,” which has been renamed the Trump Tweet Command by the Secret Service.

“This order will make it illegal for any uppity, disrespectful urbans who play pro sports to exercise what was formerly their First Amendment rights,” Trump said as he swished his giant crayon across the document before handing it back to Kellyanne Conway. “Nowhere in the Constitution does it say that urbans are allowed to make white people think when they don’t want to think. It’s just, frankly, rude, to interrupt our pre-game nacho making festivities with pleas for fairness from the judicial system and law enforcement.”

Trump, perhaps sensing the coming legal and political battles over his order, said that he and his team have already worked out how to restore some First Amendment rights to black professional athletes.

“Maybe we’ll just give them back three-fifths of their First Amendment rights,” Trump said, “if we can ever figure out what three-fifths of one is. Gotta cut spending where we can, and protecting the rights of EVERY citizen is expensive, people.”

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was reached for comment and called this move a “bold and brave” one. Sessions did admit that if this order “targeted a less melanin-enhanced populace,” he’d be outraged.

“But for some reason I can’t really say out loud, I really like the idea of black people not having the same rights as us whites,” Sessions said before kicking his heels up like a leprechaun and whistling Dixie all the way back to the Department of Justice.