Weeds s05e08 Episode Script

A Distinctive Horn

Previously on Weeds: All I know is some stiletto-heeled Mexi-cunt screeches at you suddenly the marriage is off. They want me to have this baby off the grid. No birth certificate. If I disappear, if the baby disappears, nobody knows. It's fucking Rosemary's Baby. We gotta go to Dr. Lehman's. I have to have this baby right now. - Christ. My boob. - Deal with it. I need to ask you a question. Are you a closer or a loser? You're Pretty! Will front you the products you need to put yourself on the road to financial freedom. Very impressive. Thanks for involving me, dickhead. - You're a jinx. - You're a douche bag. - Everybody down. - Is this a joke? No, it's no joke, fat ass. You have the right to remain silent. I need you to get the baby out as soon as possible. You're two days away from your due date. Father is a drug kingpin, which could pose a problem if he ever decided to kill its mother the minute she gives birth. He has your eyes. This is a very handsome boy. You must have a very beautiful life. - Do you wanna know why? - What are you doing? Don't interrupt me, Nancy. It's impolite. And breaches in etiquette make me wanna throw things. Right? Do you wanna know why I've never had children? Because you'd eat them, and children are super fattening? Children are inconvenient. They complicate even the simplest things. And they want, and they want. And if you let them, they'll take everything you have. This little milk ball was a mistake. A mistake that would end the career of a very promising politician. I am here to correct that mistake. You can help me or you can try to stop me. Which do you think would be better for the handsome men in your beautiful life? - Here you go. - Thank you. - Gotta get that done. - Okay. Raylene. Raylene. Hi. I need to talk to you. Oh, there is a Q&A after the seminar. I'm sure it'll answer all your questions. No one is buying this shit. I'll be just a minute. Okay? It's like the Depression out there, all right? Women are pinching their cheeks for blush. Trannies, they're staining their lips with plum juice. I cannot sell makeup when civilization is collapsing. Oh, Cee-Cee. Economic downturns are great for beauty. Poor people wear the most makeup. Well, then they're stealing it, because I can't move anything. And it's "Celia." Well, I'm not interested in Celia. I am interested in Cee-Cee. See, Celia is a quitter. But Cee-Cee, she sells a lifestyle. Cee-Cee sells self-esteem in small doses. A positive reflection in a floor-length mirror. Confidence. Happiness. Sex. Well, bully for Cee-Cee. I am returning your shit product. I will pay for what I used. Doesn't work that way. You signed a contract, meaning you owe for what you have and you owe for the deliveries you'll be receiving for the next 12 months. If you break the contract, if you do not pay what you owe you'll go to jail for defrauding our company. - Is that what you want? - No. I will not go back there. - I will die first. - No, you will sell cosmetics first. Oh, come on. You just need to remind Cee-Cee that she is selling the You're Pretty! Dream so that Celia doesn't have to live the you're-ugly-and-behind-bars nightmare. Who's pretty? You're Pretty! I am the father of this child. Not according to your dear friend Pilar. And the birth certificate. She is just protecting my public image. And she has a point. Did you break an ankle backpedaling that fast? She threatened our son. Your son. We can leave the father's name blank until after the election, and then And then another election and another election and - I will speak to her. - She was very clear. Your name will not appear on that birth certificate. There'll be no public record linking you to me, to your son. I will not allow another man to sign this. Then you sign it. Tell that cunt to eat shit and die. - We'll live happily ever after. The end. - It's not that easy. No. Because she owns you. But you love me. And I love you. And - No, I'll have Cesar take these to - Oh, that's okay. My family's coming. I'll go with them. Nancy. - L - Okay, then, Mrs. Botwin. I've got your discharge paperwork all set up for you. Just need a few scribbles on a few dotted lines. Hi there. Okay. I'll get you a wheelchair up here, and Oh, no, I don't I don't I don't need a wheel thing. Chair. Oh, now, hospital policy, you know? Did you get that birth-certificate form all filled out for me? No. L Fuck it. Great. Thank you, baby. Why the hell should I help you? You mean as opposed to the many corporations you represent? Business has been just fine. Customers from the boba-tea place been wandering in here by accident? - Suck it. - Mr. Hodes, please help us. We can't get our weed back without a court order. My rate is $500 an hour. That better include a rim job. Look, when we're back in business, we'll lay a couple ounces on you. Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. - And fuck you. - Okay, I know what this is about. You're pissed off because I did not cut you in on the pot club. But that's just because you're cursed with schmuckness. - Doug. - You're an asshole. Okay, look. Hey, look. The truth of the matter is you're cursed with schmuckness. You want my help? Is that what you want? Fine. - I will help you. - Oh, my gosh. Thank you. After I slam his dick in this drawer. - Let's go. He's not gonna help. - No. No. I will. Seriously. But first, his dick, this drawer, slam. - And then we get the pot back? - Guaranteed. - This is bullshit. - No, no, no. It's cool. - I can do this. - Are you out of your fucking mind? If I'm hard, it won't be so bad. Give me a second. Take your time. In the meanwhile, Silas, I need you to sign this power-of-attorney form. Great. I will go see the judge tomorrow. Now Ready. Right up in there. You good? Okay, here we go. One, two Nice job baby-proofing, Shane. Hey, I got the diapers just like you asked. They're ecofriendly. It got a name yet? It's a he. And for right now he's still Baby Boy Botwin. You wanna hold him? - No. - He's your brother. Get used to it. - I thought you said it wasn't an it. - Fine. Get used to him. I gotta take a fucking shower. - It's kind of cute. - Who cares? It's probably gonna wanna play soccer. I've come to reclaim my territory, Super Fly. You mean the piece of land my grandmother left to my thieving father to whom I am now the closest living relative? You in my house, lady. Andy, I have a baby. Oh, there's a lovely empty bedroom just across the hall. With your name on it. - Funny you should say that. - What do you mean? It means I just got an interesting call a little while ago from a lady at the hospital. Phoned me to tell me about their new-daddy classes. Perhaps I should check them out. I was, of course, confused. Asked her if she had the right person. "Is this Andrew Botwin?" says she. "Why, yes," I reply, as I usually do to that particular question. So riddle me this: Why would some lady from the hospital you were just discharged from be under the impression that I'm a new daddy? I couldn't put Esteban's name on the birth certificate. So you put my name on it. - Congratulations? - Yeah. Little presumptuous, don't you think? No. You're always talking about how you wanna carry on the Botwin name. - Mazeltov. You're a father. - No, I'm not. - And I'm not signing a fucking thing. - What is the big deal? - It's a piece of paper. - It's not a piece of paper. It's a fucking birth certificate. The kid's first ID. You wanna make it a fake one. - Way to start him off on a life of crime. - Oh, come on. No. I'm through playing baby daddy to your kids. Andy, I don't have anybody else. Whose fault is that? You gotta get me out of this contract. - Is this thing scented? - Jesus, Dean. Isabelle would like to go to college. You can't be spending the last dime you have on weed. That belongs to a client. This contract is signed, countersigned and notarized. - Looks like you're fucked. - No. Isn't there something you can do? - I can get you high. - No, I'm clean. - Do you have any booze? - Yeah, I got some Scotch. Don't Come on. God. - So tell me, who is this client? - Can't divulge privileged information. But it rhymes with "drug" and "hilas." Their "pop" club got "rusted" and they need me to get their "shmarijuana" back from the "grolice." Of course. They have a room full of "shmarijuana" and I have a room full of You're Pretty! I'm so fucked. I sell a product that nobody wants. And you, you have all of this pot that belongs to fucking assholes. Hilas isn't an asshole. He's a nice kid. Oh, really? He is? What did Silas pay you for all of your valuable legal advice, Dean? - I'm smoking it. - Tell me something: Are you a closer, or are you a loser? I like to close drawers. All right, well, close the drawer, then, and open your mind. I could sell a lot more makeup if I give a free gift with purchase. Oh, no. I can't steal their weed. No, you just tell them that you got ripped off by black people. - They won't buy that. - They will when they see the bruises. What bruises? Putz. - You know, I admire you. - Go away. This is my spot. Despite the backwards nature of your convictions you're tenacious, and that bespeaks a certain something of something. - So bravo. - Hey, wait, which side are you on? I'm on the side of sticking to one's guns. I finally said no to her. Oh, God, the wave of relief that washed over me, weird protestor guy. I'm buoyant. I'm a buoy. Bluebirds on my shoulders. Andy? - How's Nancy? Is the baby okay? - Baby murderer! Twenty-five feet, Gayle. Baby's fine. A thousand suns in those chubby cheeks. - You're wearing armor. - Well, you can never be too careful. - And you're smoking. - Sometimes you can be too careful. - Can I help you with something? - I You wanna go out? I'll buy you dinner. I shaved. - When? - Just now. Just right before I came. No, when do you wanna go out? Tonight. Pick me up here at 7. - How will I know your car? - It has a distinctive horn. You're in the cross hairs of the righteous. Ignore the dark warnings at your own peril. Take a Claritin, Gayle. - Today's pollen count is off the charts. - I'll give him that. - I'll see you at 7. - Yes. She likes me. She's gonna burn in hell for all of eternity. Well, I'd rather laugh with the sinners, Gayle. For now. Lupita. Thank you. Good timing. William Morris just merged with Endeavor and Mr. Kaplan, out on his ass. Look like a dive bar. Yeah, I haven't had time to redecorate yet. So where's my bedroom? You know, we're a little short on bedrooms. Upstairs. Upstairs. Your bedroom's upstairs. I'm sleeping on the couch. I had my last baby when I was 52. The women in my family bleed forever. - How old are you? - Thirty-seven. - So that baby, one-night stand? - Little more complicated than that. - Maybe he leave his wife. - Even more complicated. Good to see you, Nancy. You pay me cash. You feed me. I no work on Sundays or when Secretos Houston is on TV. - Done. - No cleaning, no laundry, just baby. - Done. - I like it. This is nice. Ocean. Maybe I start surfing again. - Shane. So tall. - Hi, Lupita. - You surf too? - No. - I teach you. - Okay. - Surfing lessons extra. - Of course they are. - Oregon. - Yeah. And then West Germany. And then Uruguay. - You? - Tarzana. And then the other side of Tarzana. What did you wanna be when you were a kid? Jane Goodall. - You? - A dog. This is fun. I'm having fun. It's getting kind of late. I think I should go soon. What? Haven't even gotten our combo platos yet. - Are you feeling okay? - Yeah, I'm great. I Just considering my options for the rest of the evening, and my p.j.'s and the Friday Night Lights box set is winning hands down. We're having a great date. What's wrong? - Nutshell? I'm past you. - Past me in what? In life. Look, Andy, I know there are plenty of girls that would be dazzled by 2-dollar-taco night at Borracho's and the fact that you can balance a saltshaker on your nose but, honestly, you lost me about 15 minutes in. - This is stunning. I'm stunned. - Stunned? Really? You're unemployed. You're closer to 40 than 30. You drive a car from a TV show. Your greatest recent accomplishment was beating the upside-down kill screen in "Ms. Pac-Man." I didn't beat it, I just got to it. Died almost immediately. - The thing's upside down. - You're a frozen margarita, Andy. Well, I happen to like slushy beverages, yeah. And I'm a doctor. Okay. Fine. You're a doctor. I play doctor. Why did you even agree to go out with me? Because my mother always said that if they feed you, go. But I'm starting to realize my mother gave me lots of bad advice. Thank you for the drink. - Well, I'Il I'll drive you home. - No. It's all right. I'll find my own way. Preferably in a car where the doors open. Good night, Andy. This baby sleep too much. It probably just wants to wake up when it's all over. Oh, shit. Now I'm calling it an it. Him an it. Him a him. I need to name this baby. I go surf now. I like "Bernardo." Like in West Side Story. Bernardo Botwin. - I'll think about it. - Bernardo? He gets killed by Tony. On the birth certificate, he'd be "Andy Jr." That's what I call my penis. Wait. No. God. Need to stop playing doctor and be a doctor. What? I wanna do this. I wanna be the father. - Really? - Really. But I mean "really" really. If my name is on this child's birth certificate then I will be its father, and we will raise it together. - Him. - Him. Fifty-percent ownership. Half the voting shares. And I'm on the bema at the bar mitzvah. - Oh, he's Jewish now? - Reform, but yeah. And just so you know, I'm not doing this for you. This is for me. I want something that matters in my life. I wanna be a substantial human being. Know what I mean? - Substantial. - Yeah, substantial. He's substantially wet. I think you should change him, Papa. All right. What's up? All right, come on, little buddy. Let's see what you're packing downstairs. Let's see what's going on down here, huh? I know it. L - Bun's still on the hot dog. - Oh, right, that. Gotta take care of that. Next checkup. Checkup? No, no, no. A bris, with a mohel and a rabbi. Yeah. Bagels and whitefish. Those are my demands. - Demands? - That's right. Because I'm the papa. I'm the papa. Yes. Tradition. Who are all these people? The rabbi brought them. Apparently you need ten Jews to watch him lose his dickhead, or it's not official. That's it. Mazeltov. Let's name this baby and eat. - Nice work, Rabbi. - Well, thank you. - I've been at it a while. - What do you practice on? Goyim. I think it's a barbaric ritual. Well, it represents a covenant between our people and God. - It decreases pleasure. - Paid for my summerhouse. Well, excuse me. Will you look at this? A professional woman, a doctor, no less playing a juvenile video game. It's just so immature for a doctor. I had no idea this game was so awesome. So, clearly, you're open to looking beyond first impressions. I didn't say that. Damn. I just died. You are here because you like me, aren't you? I'm here because Nancy invited me. And I am fascinated by how this is all gonna play out with the gangster baby daddy. I'm obsessed with the drama. - You were mean. - I was honest. - That's not mean. - It was harsh. It was a snap judgment. I'm almost inclined to not ask you out again just to show you how wrong you are about me. - Almost? - Almost. Almost. All right. Whitefish? Dimes go in the lipsticks. Eights go in the compacts. Half-ounces in the eye-shadow kit. This is exciting. When are you gonna break the news to Doug and Silas? I'm working up to that. Well, you better do it soon, before that swelling goes down. You fractured my cheekbone. There's some old gym equipment in the garage. - I've been lifting. - You look good. Thank you. - From a drawer? - That's right. - Can you fix it or not? - Go see a doctor. I don't have any insurance. I've been taping it to a Popsicle stick, and it's turning blue. Try cherry. What are you looking at? - I did not approve this. - Now he looks like his daddy. Yeah, and you too, from what I hear, but slightly smaller. - My son is not Jewish. - Oh, yeah, he is now. It's an ancient and scholarly religion. Disproportionate numbers of Nobel Prize winners. - Meet my son, Avi Melech. - That's his Hebrew name. "Avi" means "my father," "Melech," "the king." That's my boy. - In English, it's Steven Ray Botwin. - Stevie Ray. Would you like a bagel with whitefish? Nancy, I would like to speak with you privately. This is unacceptable. My son, our son, will be baptized by a priest in a church. Sorry, he's Jewish. Snip-snip. Eat fish. Start saving for law school. - I am his father. I choose his life. - You had your chance to choose. You walked out. I have to think about the baby now. You think about yourself. Don't pretend that's mother's love. From the man who refused to put his name on his son's birth certificate. My son's not gonna be raised by that pendejo. That pendejo sticks around. He fights for what he loves. And he's not a coward. - Get out. - Okay. - Get out. - Okay. My son won't grow up to be like you. He won't see you. He won't know you. - He is mine. - No. You lost him.