John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Bogged down in emotional quicksand from one death after another. (Published 3/17/2015)

Q:

Four months ago, I gave birth to my daughter who was stillborn. I have not yet begun to fully deal with this, and the depression from it feels as though it's suffocating me. Then yesterday evening, I received word that my mother had just died. I am finding myself reliving the loss of my daughter on top of the loss of my mother. I don't think I can take too much more, mentally. How can I start the grieving process and work my way through it, instead of being stuck in this pool of quicksand that is taking me under?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Jessica,

Thanks for your note and question.

When we hear stories like yours, we always think of someone struggling in the ocean, and they finally get their head above water, and then another giant wave comes and pushes them under again. The image of drowning is quite parallel to your image of being stuck in quicksand.

Also, painful though it may be, news of a current death is an automatic and unavoidable stimulus for your brain and heart to remember other deaths, and especially recent ones. So we’re not surprised that your mother’s death has re-opened the wound of your daughter’s death.

But no matter how well you or we describe the feelings you're having, the real question is not about how you feel, but what to do about it.

Please run, don’t walk, to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and begin taking the actions it outlines. The sooner you do, the sooner the sense that you can’t take much more will lift, and you will be guided to take the actions that will get you unstuck.