July 28, 2011

THE RECENT RISE IN THE PRICE OF A NETFLIX SUBSCRIPTION HAS PUT THE THREAT OF AN ECONOMIC CALAMITY IN THE BALANCE.

With the United States economy remaining sluggish, almost-incomprehensible levels of national debt strangling the budget, and the unemployment rate hovering around 9%, the financial state of the union would seem unable to take another blow.

July 13, 2011

GOOGLE IS TAKING FACEBOOK HEAD-ON WITH THEIR NEW SOCIAL NETWORK WHICH, SO FAR, NOBODY'S PARENTS HAVE FOUND OUT ABOUT YET.

Internet powerhouse Google is taking dead aim at rival Facebook. Last month the Mountain View, CA, company debuted a new social networking site, dubbed Google+, intended to draw away at least some of Facebook’s estimated 750 million users.

July 8, 2011

NEWT GINGRICH HOPES HIS PARTY OF SIX WILL GET SEATED SOON SO THAT THEY WILL HAVE TIME FOR PEANUT BUTTER SILK PIE.

CORALVILLE, IA -- Former Republican Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, has been waiting nearly an hour for a table at Coralville’s Perkins Restaurant & Bakery on 1st Avenue at the corner of 9th Street.

July 5, 2011

GLENN BECK HAS LEFT FOX NEWS TO RETURN TO THE DARK, SOGGY COMFORTS OF THE SWAMP HE CAME FROM.

Failed comedian Glenn Beck broadcast the final episode of his eponymous Fox News Channel program on Thursday, assuring viewers that he hasn't been forced out at the network. Instead, he said, he will finally be returning to the sodden and desolate swampland from whence he came.

Mr. Beck's relationship with Fox News president Roger Ailes and News Corporation chairman Rupert Murdoch has been rocky for most of his two-and-a-half years since he joined the company.

Glenn Beck regularly drew more than two million viewers per episode, a huge number for a cable news channel. For much of his time at Fox, however, Mr. Beck ran afoul of advertisers who chose by the hundreds to steer clear of his controversial jabberings and rants.

Mr. Beck says that any quarrels he may have had with Fox News brass or advertisers was not the cause of his decision to leave cable television for the murky confines of his one true home, the swamp.

"I'd like to thank everyone at this network for their trust," Mr. Beck said during his farewell how. “It’s just that the time has come for me to go back to where I belong.”

Mr. Beck’s swamp of choice is the Atchafalaya Basin, located in south-central Louisiana where the Atchafalaya River meets the Gulf of Mexico. He is particularly suited to that area thanks to its stagnant, brackish water and massive insect population.

“This is an exciting new beginning for me,” Mr. Beck said. “I’m getting back to my roots.”

The sparsely populated area will also keep Mr. Beck fairly isolated. “It’s where I’m most comfortable,” he continued. “I obviously don’t belong around human beings.”

July 1, 2011

Every year around this time, the Gazette makes a point to give back to the Apartment 3 community. By now, everyone's forgotten whatever it was that we did around the holidays to make it seem like we care and is back to thinking we're just a bunch of miserable pricks.

This year, we've decided to fight cancer.

Obviously we can't defeat ALL cancer, at least not immediately, so we had to narrow it down. There were a lot of ideas flying around the office: breast, testicular, brain, lung... So many good cancers to choose from.

We finally decided on prostate cancer as the one we're going to conquer. All cancer is bad, but this is a particularly nasty one. Did you know that to check you for prostate cancer the doctor has to put a finger in your ass? If that's not a practice we need to end forever, I don't know what is.

But how? If ever there is a formidable opponent, cancer is it. Millions of dollars have been spent on research, medicine and treatments, but it's still with us, affecting millions of people.

So, what's our weapon of choice in the battle against prostate cancer? The second most powerful force in the universe (trailing only free t-shirts): Mustaches.

If scientists and doctors had thought of this a few decades ago, cancer would probably be totally cured by now. The past is the past, however, and to move forward in this fight, mustaches are what we need.Clearly, a new strategy is needed, and we here at the Gazette are blazing a new trail.

Similar methods have been tried. We've all seen the Lance Armstrong friendship bracelets, and those really cool headbands that rappers wear. But if those things worked, why does the fight still come down to us?

No normal mustaches will do, either. To really stick in cancer's craw, we'll have to grow mustaches that are so outrageous, so insanely shocking, so wickedly scandalous that some of them might not even BE mustaches!

The particulars of how the mustaches defeat prostate cancer are still being worked out. I've got a meeting set up this week with the Most Reverend J. Proie to discuss it. From what he's been saying, it sounds like Jesus has something to do with it.

But you know what? It doesn't even matter how it works, as long as it does work, and that's only going to happen if ALL of our readers grow mustaches, so I ask you to be part of this War on Prostate Cancer.

And ladies, you can be a part of this too. Just put on a fake mustache. It's not like cancer will know the difference.