"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

No… that tremor in the ground you may have felt this afternoon was NOT the result of Big Al jump roping on his driveway. It was an earthquake centered around Ottawa, Canada and measuring 5.5 on the Richter Scale. To be honest after waiting for an hour and a half to get my Driver’s License renewed at the Secretary of States office, I thought the tremor was caused by one of the State Employees falling off their stool!

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D-Day for McChrystal…

In what reminds me of being called to the principal’s office for mouthing off about your teacher, US Afghan war commander General Stanley McChrystal arrived at the White House this morning and tendered his resignation to the President - which was accepted. McChrystal was summoned after quotes by he and his staff in a Rolling Stone article angered the President.

- To show you just how mad the President actually was, he “unfriended” McChrystal on his Facebook page!

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Champaign on ICE!

Congratulations to two former Red Wings, Dino Ciccarelli and Front Office Exec Jimmy Devellano for being inducted into the NHL Hall of Fame! By the way… next season five of the six original NHL teams will play the Wings (the 6th original team) down at the Joe! That hasn’t happened since the Lions won a Champio… Well, it hasn’t actually been quite that long! The only drawback for next season? Tampa Bay won’t be playing here in Detroit – So no chance to see Stevie Y’s team. To paraphrase Nancy Kerrigan, “Y not here? Y not now?”

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The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades…

A new survey by the Pew Research Center came up with some pretty interesting results as to what Americans expect will happen by 2050. Among the findings 71% believe Cancer will be cured and 81% percent believe computers will be able to converse like humans.

- Unlike today, when most teenage humans can only converse USING a computer.

On the negative side, 58% of those polled expect a World War in the next 40 years and 31% believe the earth will be hit by an asteroid.

- 100% believe that General McChrystal got his asteroid kicked by the President in the Rose Garden this afternoon.

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Jerry Seinfeld has lashed out against Pop Diva Lady Gaga. She was moved to his private suite at the New York Mets Stadium after flipping off photographers and the crowd. Jerry - who was not at the game - said “She’s a jerk. You flip people off and you get upgraded?”

- Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

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A 17-year-old girl in Washington State is facing jail for allegedly attacking her brother with a BBQ tool while making macaroni and cheese. Apparently he asked if she was using margarine or real butter – which naturally led to a physical altercation.

- 1st question: Who uses a BBQ tool to make Macaroni and Cheese?

- And to think all he said was, “I can’t believe it’s not butter!”

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The food police at the Center for Science in the Public Interest are threatening to sue McDonald’s if they don’t stop offering toys in their Happy Meals within 30 days. They say the toys lure kids into “an unpaid drone army” nagging their parents into taking them out for unhealthy fast food.

- And they’re just figuring this out now?

- They better not sue until I complete my collection of “Shrek” character watches!

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Oprah’s medical expert, Dr. Oz, told the Boston Herald that the #1 health problem in America isn’t obesity; it’s a lack of sex. He says people will talk about fat, but are too embarrassed to talk about what he calls a “sexual famine”. He added that while most Americans have sex once a week, upping that to twice a week could add three years to a person’s life.

- If sex increases your lifespan… Charlie Sheen’s gonna live forever!

- McDonald’s is thinking of combining the two issues by introducing the “Really Happy Meal” for adults with a special toy in every box!

- President Obama has weighed in on the subject by appointing a new “Sex Czar”: Bill Clinton.

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New York City’s “Naked Cowboy” has sent a cease-and-desist letter to a former stripper who is appearing around town as “The Naked Cowgirl”. Robert Bruck plays guitar in Times Square wearing only a hat, boots and bikini briefs. He claims he’s trademarked the “Naked Cowboy” nickname and if she’s going to charge tourists for photos, she’ll have to pay him a yearly $5000 “Naked Cowboy Franchise Fee”.

- First of all, who’s gonna notice another semi-naked person running around New York City?

- I don’t know why he’s upset. She appears “all over town” whereas the Naked Cowboy stays in the lucrative Times Square area. As they say in the real estate and semi-naked performance art industries, it’s all about “Location! Location! Location!”

- We contacted NY’s “Naked Mime” about this story, but he refused to talk.

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And finally, on this date in 1776, the final draft of the Declaration of Independence was submitted to Congress.

- It would have been ready a day sooner, but the “Spell Check” button on Jefferson’s Quill was broken.

- The Declaration was then taken over to “Ye Olde Kinko’s” to be copied and collated.

- It included a provision that required all Americans to have health care – which at the time meant having a “Primary Leech Provider”.

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Have a great day! (Or at least a better one than General McCrystal had!) Back tomorrow…