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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Turning Over and Letting Go

There have been times in my life when I've had no problem giving it all to God and just letting go. I remember when the kids were little and we were trying to get all three of them into a very small Catholic school at the same time. They only had one class per grade and I had one third grader and TWO first graders. Everyone said not to get my hopes up so I didn't...because I KNEW. I knew that He was going to take care of it. I KNEW that they would get in because that's where we were supposed to be. So when they did get in, everyone wanted to know why I wasn't surprised. I remember looking at them and thinking...well duh.

Then there was the period that I was selling Mary Kay. In that organization (which I love by the way even though I sent my product back - it's not their fault I suck at selling) you walk on faith on a daily basis. I remember being at Seminar and knowing that, for that moment in time, I was exactly where I needed to be. I had been laid off a couple of months earlier and my self esteem was in the toilet. God sent these angels to me who took me in their arms and built my ego back piece by piece. They taught me to embrace the gifts God gave me (compassion, empathy, an ability to nurture, listening skills) and not to be afraid to use them. They told me that they were, in fact, gifts that should not be squandered. The heck with those that couldn't understand. And that although I couldn't change the whole world, I could sure as hell change my little corner of it.

Then I got sober and screeeeeeech...crickets. Well...not exactly...more like paralyzing fear that I didn't know how to pray anymore and that I was doing it all wrong (see prior posts). Or maybe just plain fear without a name...fear...and lack of trust...oh hell - I really have no flippin' idea. I just know that I've been anxious and really, really wanting to do this and find some...peace. For once in my life some real peace.

Now I've had a pit in my stomach ever since the meeting on Monday night where we talked a lot about letting go. I've been praying for Him to make His will evident to me - just show me and I'll follow. I thought I felt better about it this morning but upon closer inspection...nope...still afraid. The pit is still there combined with a slight tightness in my chest where my heart is (and there are not enough antacids on the planet to make it go away). So I'm either having a heart attack or I'm looking for a way to fill that pit and relieve the pressure.

The bottom line is I'm just bewildered - I don't know HOW to Let Go and Let God. I say the words. I get on my knees. But how do I actually DO it? Anyone out there know? I really need some help with this one.

9 comments:

My experience was letting go is a process..it took a few years. Actually, I was telling myself and others I had let go long before I felt it. A lot of the time, I was convincing myself I didn't care (I had "let go"), but it's not that easy.

I hear that so much in Alanon, people saying they have let go while at the same time they are crying their eyes out. So..hmmm.

Thanks Lou. You have no idea how much better that makes me feel. Sometimes I feel like I have to get it all right, right away. Maybe I'll give myself a break for awhile and just...be. Wow...just typing that makes me feel better. You're pretty good at this you know?

It's the leap of faith...when you come to the fork in the road and the tracks of the other travelers have been obscured by the recent snow fall...that insecurity that you are feeling as you stand and make your decision about the way to proceed, not really knowing where each of the paths will take anyway...at that point you have to stop and listen!!!

What is letting go exactly? Sorry to be dumb. Is it relaxing? Is it releasing a bunch of tightly held emotions or previously held beliefs? What does it feel like to not have let go? Have I let go? I don't know!

I'm not sure. For me it happened just this past august. I was at an AA meeting, sitting in this pretty park, enjoying the beautiful morning, and I had this feeling come over me, this peace, that no matter what everything would be just fine. It was at that moment that I just turned it all over. I wasn't trying it just happened....

That is a tough one, guess you have to "just do it". I used to get angry when people would say "turn it over". I pictured myself with this huge pancake flipper and equally enourmous frying pan. Now, the quiet moments is when it happens for me. You have inspired me to write a post. Thanks! Best thing is you are willing, dont give up!

Wow...I took the girls to one of the coach's baptism tonight at her church and the topic of the sermon was faith. I was sitting there wishing I could have faith and wondering how one begins having it...maybe we can take this journey together.