Loving the Father I Hate

Jan 2, 2010 | by Katie Daniel

God didn't ask the impossible of me, only the incredibly difficult.

Daddy will be so happy with me! I giggled to myself, as I skipped home from school with the results of my math test. “Daddy! Daddy!” I called out as I burst through the door and proudly thrust the sheet of paper into his hands. “I got an 89!” I shouted happily. My father took the paper from me and examined it thoroughly. “Was that the top mark in the class?” he asked after careful scrutiny of my work.

“Well… umm… no.” I admitted in shame.

“You can do better than this,” he said as he handed me back my disappointing results.

“But it was near the top,” I whispered while trying to hold back my tears. But my father was already on his way out the door. “Near” was not good enough for him; nothing I did ever seemed to be good enough for him.

I jumped through hoops to please him, but he continually raised those hoops to impossible heights. And as the years went by, my father became more and more difficult to please.

He was like a volcano, always simmering, just waiting to erupt.

He had always been prone to anger but as I entered adolescence his occasional outbursts became a more frequent and frightening occurrence. He was like a volcano, always simmering, just waiting to erupt. He never once raised his hand to hit me or my mother and I knew that he would never physically harm me, but even so, I was terrified of him. The slightest comment could make his blood boil and a mistakenly perceived glance could be enough to send him into a fit of rage. When I was 15, my parents divorced.

From that moment on I wanted nothing more to do with him. I had naively thought that when he left I would be free of him. But I could never be free while he had all the money, and with it, all the power. He held the purse strings in his tightly-clenched fists, while my mother and I begged for handouts. I was forced to spend most of my weekends with him and I found myself being dragged around computer expos every weekend and eating microwave meals for lunch. I loathed every moment with him and would leave his house shaking with rage.

A few years later, I was on my way to becoming a Torah observant Jew. I relished performing the mitzvot (commandments). But there was one mitzvah I could not seem to succeed in: “Honor thy father.” Surely God had not meant my father. He could not possibly expect this of me. There must be some sort of special exemption in my case, I reasoned to myself.

Truth Comes Out

As time went on and I continued to spend weekends with him, I tried working on this mitzvah, even though I did not feel like it and could not understand it. But I always failed miserably. I even went to speak with a rabbi and plead my case. I assumed he would exempt me from this cumbersome commandment. After talking things over, he didn't let me off the hook. Since there was no physical abuse on my father’s part, and we determined there was no danger to my emotional stability, my obligation to honor my father remained. So I began to make vague attempts to maintain a semblance of a relationship with my father, but for the most part our relationship was non-existent. Relationships don't change overnight.

One day it all came to a head. I was helping to clear the dishes away after an uncomfortable Sunday lunch when a plate slipped out of my hands and smashed on the floor. My father was livid. “You’re so clumsy!” he screamed. “You can’t even wash the dishes without breaking them. You’re completely incompetent!”

“It’s only a plate!” I shot back. “Only a plate?!” my father yelled. “The correct answer was ‘I’m sorry!’ You’re disrespectful of my things and you’re disrespectful with me,” he roared. “You never come to see me on your own accord. You never call me. When you do come, you stay for a few minutes and then rush out. You’re insolent, disgraceful and plain rude!”

“That’s because I hate you!” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

“That’s because I hate you!” I screamed with all my might. The words were out of my mouth but there was no relief.

How long I had dreamed of shouting those words at my father. I imagined the relief I would feel at finally telling him the truth. But there was no relief. My father was shocked into silence and the raw pain was brandished across his face. I had wounded him.

And for the first time I saw my father in a different light. He did not want his daughter to hate him. Could it be that in his own, peculiar way he loved me? And all he wanted was to be loved in return?

I decided that from then on, things would be different. I would be different. Whatever my father was or wasn’t, he was still my father. He wasn’t perfect and he wasn’t who I would have asked for. But I couldn’t change his ways or exchange him for another. The only person I could change was myself.

It’s true that he had done many things that were wrong. But he has his own account with God, and I have mine. I am responsible for my own actions alone. There would be no more blaming my father for the bitter, angry person that I had become. No more running away from the mitzvah because I felt it was too hard and simply unreasonable of God to expect it of me. No more stomping my feet because life was unfair. It was time to accept my lot and make it the best that it could possibly be. God had given me this father for a reason, and I would try my best to treat him in the way that was expected of me, no matter how challenging it would be.

And challenging it was. After all, he was supposed to be the father, wasn’t he? Wasn’t it his responsibility to act like one? Why couldn’t he make a little effort with me for once? I continued to try to work on myself, and he continued to be his old stubborn self. I tried not to let it get me down. But it almost always did. Every conversation with him was fake. I pretended to care and I feigned interest. I choked out the obligatory words “I love you,” but I did not feel them.

But I did not give up, even though many times I desperately wanted to. Look for the good, I would tell myself again and again. Try to understand him, I would repeat to myself. I continually forced myself to stop focusing on what a terrible father he was and turned the focus on myself and how I could improve our relationship.

It was not until quite some time had passed that I began to notice the subtle changes in my feelings towards him and in our interactions together.

Slowly, slowly, I started to be interested in him as a real person and actually began to care.

Slowly, slowly, and after much begrudged perseverance, I began to see that my false smiles and fake interest were not so fake anymore. I started to be interested in him as a real person. And much to my surprise, I actually started to care.

After years of struggling, I have managed to push out those negative feelings. Deep down, not forgiving my father was a way of getting back at him for the pain he caused me. But in the end hating him had only hurt myself.

I now see that no matter what he has done, it is not up to me to decide whether he is deserving of my love or not. By focusing on his positive aspects, I see a whole new side to him. He is a kind, thoughtful and deeply caring man. He has so much love to give, he just finds it hard to express it.

He still loses his temper sometimes, but now that I am on his side rather than standing against him, I see how much it hurts him when he loses control of himself. At those moments he is like a wild caged animal, trapped in his violent temper and unable to restrain his emotions. I feel so sorry for him and he in turn appreciates my support and understanding. I am finally able to see past his limitations, and at last I have formed a real relationship with my father.

Looking back, I can see some of the reasons why God put me in this situation. I didn’t know I had the strength to overcome my intense hatred, but God knew. He didn't ask the impossible of me, only the incredibly difficult.

I worked so hard to free myself from the fierce clutches of hate and anger, and what I got in return was a man who I am truly happy to call my father. And that makes all the effort worth it.

Very easy to relate. I often see the steam coming out of his ears, eyes, as the words spit through his mouth. I try to understand, find it difficult to respect him. Yet, you worked on it and changed. I am inspired and even a bit hopeful.

(97)
Anonymous,
July 5, 2017 3:24 AM

Wow!!! That was unbelievable. Truly helped me :)

(96)
Anonymous,
December 10, 2015 1:46 AM

thank you

I feel so good reading this. I have been going thru a rough time with my dad and I always thought it was me. I thoght I was the only one who had a father that doesn't care about me. my father is a great person and I know deep down he cares. my father is in kiruv and he has a ton of success story's. Him being in kiruv takes a big toll on our family. my father is always busy with "his boys". I cant talk to him without him answering a call from a student.

(95)
Annah,
October 20, 2015 3:59 PM

Ty for the story

Thank you for this wonderful story. I too had a difficult relationship with my own father whom I loved v v much growing up, and then things changed (no not overnight) and I began to hate him. Unfortunately I wasn't wise enough to try and change myself and he passed away in 2013, without really knowing that I was deeply sorry that we didn't get a chance to reconcile. This guilt will stay forever with me. I only hope and pray now that I don't ever repeat this mistake with anyone else ever again. Life is precious, each soul is unique and bringing something wonderful to the world--- if only you are present enough to witness and cherish it. I love you dad, thank you for all your help guidance and supports

(94)
CJ,
February 11, 2015 12:54 AM

No

One shouldn't have to remain in a toxic/damaging relationship to "honor" a parent. Emotional abuse is extremely destructive. I recognize that I've been given two chances in this life for a parental relationship. The first, I had no choice. The second has been the pleasure of my life. That is how I honor my parents, by removing myself as a target for their abuse, and by being a loving mother to my sons.

(93)
Anonymous,
August 7, 2012 8:25 AM

You're strong,

You're very strong. I envy you. Unlike you, I never had a dad in my life. I did, but I stopped seeing him as "daddy" and more of a stranger. In my case, I was more of a pest to my dad. My dad already had wives ( yes with the 's' attached) and children in high school. Apparently, he only loved his first child. All of the other children were seen as baggage to him. He made my mom marry him at a time when she was in shock. She lived together with my grandma who was in a car accident. The weird thing was that right after their wedding, there was a storm that lasted for a couple of days. This lead to the family members to call their wedding bad luck. They divorced when my mom refused to give him any more money which he said he was going to use for his "business". Two months later, my mom found out she was pregnant with me. "Dad" and his sister told my mom to abort me, and was pressuring her. She didn't of course. The moment I was born, he came to visit my mom with an annoyed look on his face. My uncle was there, so he couldn't stir up any trouble. Until the age of seven I lived in complete ignorance of my dad's true feelings about me. I visited him a 2 times a year. Then one day, I overheard my aunt talking to my mom. I didn't know why my mom and dad lived separately, but learned the truth from their conversation. My dad never wanted me. I was always hated by him. What they said made sense to me. Whenever I paid him a visit, he'd give me twenty dollars just to leave. Ha! He was paying his own child to get out of his face and hoped that his new woman didn't see. I just couldn't look at him the same way after that. Whenever visiting him about paying child support, I just faked a smile, and blankly said " I love you, daddy." He didn't even pay any money. I completely stopped seeing him . I hear he has new wives and children now and then and pity them. I don't get involved anymore and erased his existence as daddy from my mind.

(92)
Esther,
July 22, 2012 6:07 PM

Thank you

Reading this article I am overcome with tremendous comfort in seeing that others have gone through the same situation that I have. I have never had a good relationship with my father. Right now my parents are in the process of getting divorced. I feel free for the first time. I'm not forced to talk to my father, to live up to his standards.... It pains me deeply that my father couldn't be who I needed him to be--proud of me for who I was. It's been some time since I last contacted him, and, honestly, I'm not sure when the next time will be. His true character seems to be coming out now, and I'm ashamed and disappointed in him and his behavior. How do you forgive someone who has hurt you that deeply?

(91)
Anonymous,
May 8, 2012 4:39 AM

Thankyou

I cried while reading your story. I have dishonored my father in the past two years in many ways, due to a relationship with a boyfriend. I have grown in bitterness and resentment towards him, as well as unforgiveness, and this has been keeping me from loving him, and having a relationship with my father. I cry for the bitterness of these past two years and the harm I have done to this important relationship in a womans life. I have repented to hashem for this, and as a prodigal daughter, I wonder if he will accept me as his daughter again, in every sense of the meaning of the word. as our relationship needs to be restored. Thankyou to the writer for this story, I pray hashem gives me the courage to Love, and learn how to love, not only my father, but also others around me

(90)
Anonymous,
March 28, 2012 10:25 PM

Honoring vs Loving

It is very important to recognize that the commandment does not tell us to love our parents. The commandment is to honor them. This is a crucial distinction, especially for those of us who have lived with parents who were abusive--whether physically, sexually, or emotionally.
I once asked a Rabbi, "What if one's parents are not honorable?" Is a person still required to honor his father and mother in such a situation? The Talmud actually addresses this question....and defines what it means to honor one's parents.
Honoring one's parents, it turns out, is defined in very concrete terms by the Talmud: We are responsible for making sure that their needs for food, shelter, and clothing are met. We must never humiliate them in public. And we must see to it that they have assistance in getting up out of their chair, and in sitting down--as well as in entering or leaving their home. That is it. Those are the simple and literal terms that constitute honoring one's parents, from the perspective of the Talmud.
There is no requirement to have complex emotional relationships, or to think about them in particular ways.

AB,
June 25, 2012 3:39 PM

Good to know

Thank you so much for sharing commentary from the Talmud on what exactly it means to honor your parents. I have a very strained relationship with my father, but throguh it, I can honosetly say that I've helped him in the ways Talmud insutrcuts, and more. I, however, do not love my father and feel nothing but coldness and pitty to him. He hit me and verbally abused me until I was 20 yo, and that's also when my parents got divorced. There is not a single day that has passed that I don't thank G-d for my parents divorcing.

Grace,
April 15, 2013 12:38 AM

Honouring

I believe as we honour our fathers for what they did do will open the door for God to bring deep forgiveness and cleansing to our hearts. We are the ones whose hearts remains in the prison of unforgiveness. If we ask God to help us forgive our fathers He is faithful to do that. And oh the glorious freedom and cleanness we feel in our hearts. Forgiveness is for us. The other person may never change but we gloriously can be set free and move on with our lives.

(89)
Still Hurting,
January 7, 2012 9:43 AM

I congratulate you

I'd like to thank you. I really admire your strength, you're truely amazing. Your words flooded my eyes with tears and touched me in the deepest way imaginable. I've lived thru all that you've mentioned yet worst. My father never felt bad for true feelings I put into words at times when I couldn't take it anymore. It made him rather furious. My heart sinks in pain every time I think of him, and eight years I fought hard and stayed away from him, yet at times I feel like I'm becoming him in a way or another and the sad part is, now that I'm an adult I fight myself trying not to "blame him for the bitter, angry person that I had become".

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Malka,
January 3, 2012 9:08 AM

Alot of work indeed

I too believe that therapy would have been the best way to go. In my own life I have accepted my parents and their limitations as we hope our children will accept ours. Not everyone would have had the perseverence

(87)
Anonymous,
December 13, 2010 7:40 AM

Distorted view ....

With respect to you and your Rabbi, your father needs professional help ...... I was subject to a similar upbringing .... my mother to taught me to honor my father .... and so I did "love and respect and honor him" until his emotional violence eroded the person I was, unfortunately the only time I put my foot down was when he got verbally violent in front of my children, I have succeeded in protecting them.

(86)
Anonymous,
December 12, 2010 7:55 PM

You have climbed Mt. Everest!

I could have written your essay. It was only when I was caring for my father in the last years of his life that I, too, learned to love him. Giving is loving, and although I don't think ever fully forgave him when he was alive, unfortunately, I miss him very much now that he is gone. I suppose that says something.

(85)
Anonymous,
July 4, 2010 6:00 PM

you have saved me!

Thank you Thank you - your words have brought me so much hope and joy and I can really feel such a positive effect on my life and my relationships with my entire family. Your words seemed to have reached many people and really helped them - maybe you had to go through all of this in order to tell your story and help others in your situation. I would love it if you could write maybe a followup article on how things are going, or if you have any further advice or insights - or even some replies to some of the comments written here (i've read all of them!) keep writing, and may God bless you with only good in your life, you and your whole family always.

(84)
obedient son,
June 3, 2010 5:17 AM

Sorry... yours is only... one story.

I follow the 10 commandments - faithfully.
Receiving professional help is essential. Distance is an excellent idea... both physical distance and elasped time. When a Father, by his words or actions, states (something to that effect) that he doesn't want you and doesn't want you near him - it is an acceptable solution to honor that request, Personally, I respect and honor my father, but I am done with him. per his request, for the sake of my family and my mental health.
I beiieve your approach is unique to your situation and will not work for many other "so-called" similar situations. I would not recommend this approach to others - with apologies to your Rabbi. The commandemnt does not demand that the child become a willing subject of a verbal abuse by a parent. Respectfully, the Rabbi needs to reconsider his recommendations in the light if the written facts presented here.
To anyone who reads her beautiful story... this happy ending does not happen in the vast majority of similar circumstances of estrangement. Please seek professioanl help and advice if this is happening in your life.
God Bless.

(83)
Avigayil S,
May 28, 2010 2:53 PM

great ending!

aww! at least it worked out in the end! i think alot of people can really relate to this so thank you for taking the time to tell your story!

(82)
Chana,
March 2, 2010 5:44 PM

I can relate to this so much!

I am in a very similar situation like this one. I see that it's worth the effort to work on myself, despite it being so so difficult. Will give things a try....

(81)
Anonymous,
January 11, 2010 10:59 AM

i'm in same situation but even worse, i hate my father!!!! he made me miserable very miserable!!! he is mentally sick!!! And i can't respect him at all!!!! he always kept saying me that i'm a "0" nothing can do nothing!!!! i'm a shame from him, all my friends have normal fathers all my uncles are normal it seemed its just me who got a crazy father who still leaves in 60th komunizm years!!! he has no success and doesent want to success, its no even money issue, i'm a independ now, and my great mom who grew me up and supported me always, but i have a big problem with shiduchim as i can not bring no young man to our house introduce to "father" as im to shame never know what he may do!!!!i'm a frum girl 22 years old but this comand can not keep!!!! its over to hard for me, he made me miserable i really dont know how to create a relationship with a man i never have more then 2 dates, even if i like a man and know for sure he likes me as i'm to shame embarrassed from my father and can not imagin introduce father to someone, usually on the date i'm saying that i don't have a father!!! well most probably its my "nisayon" examination- ordeal in this world!!! any ways thank you for article, but some times its impossible!!!

(80)
Anonymous,
January 10, 2010 2:10 PM

G-d wants us to love All his children. Sometimes we have to love them from a distance rather than hating and resenting them in their presence. Verbal abuse is abuse it doesn't matter if it is physical or verbal it is abuse. Honor, forgiveness, love and acceptance can be achieved by loving and forgiving from a distance.

(79)
Anonymous,
January 9, 2010 3:06 PM

Not good advice

When the comment is made by the daughter of working on herself, what did this mean? Did she seek psychological counselling of some sort? Without some sort of psychotherapeutic guidance to help this woman, it is almost certain, that the same difficult relationship she had with her father will play out in some of her closest relationships i.e. spouse, children, close friends. While it is nice to thank G-d, it is also important to use therapeutic help.

(78)
D.K.Milgrim-Heath,
January 8, 2010 10:41 PM

Some Parents Destroy Lives Purposely

Some Parents Destroy Lives Purposely
By D.K.Milgrim-Heath
Some parents destroy lives purposely-
My two sets of in-laws tried that on me.
In my marriages numbered one and two-
My in-laws were power control freaks so true.
My own parents were wonderful and so kind-
I always daily keep that always on my mind.
Someone's parents can't change how they are-
You walk away forever keeping that known scar.
My second father-in-law I loved with all my heart-
He loved me truthfully when meeting me from the start..
My first set of horrible in-laws finally did die-
My first husband doesn't miss them- I wonder why?
It's so sad and why did it have to really be?
Parental power control freaks controlling one's marriages heavily.
If a child can change their parent be greatful and proud-
My marriages didn't that that-it wasn't allowed.

(77)
Anonymous,
January 8, 2010 10:16 PM

Power in forgiveness

The author's courage and convictions are admirable. Having also been born and raised in an atmosphere of violence and abuse, in my case, including physical; I reacted to the pain for many years, by self-destructive behaviors. I even tried to run away from it by moving a couple of thousand miles away from my family; only to find the pain right there waiting for me upon my arrival, in the form of silence from my "rage-aholic" parent; and verbal/emotional abuse in the letters of my "passive-aggressive" parent, as well as in the memories of past traumatic events that continued to haunt me, even in my dreams. Until one day when it occured to me to pray and ask for the ability to forgive my parents. I loved them, and was willing to forgive them, but lacked the ability to do so. My prayer was immediately answered, and I discovered the joy and the freeing power of forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't make the wrongs they did, right; but simply means that I have released them from perceived indebtedness to me; thereby breaking that spiritual bondage to abuse that had existed between us. Today, sadly, I'm still not able to be a part of my family's lives the way I woud like to be, due to valid concerns for my safety; but I am able to be patient with their shortcomings, and to not take the things they say and do personally. I love them dearly, and pray for them; trusting the outcome of their lives to G-d, Who has infinite mercy. The way I honor my parents is by studying the Torah, and by doing my best to walk in righteousness. What greater honor could one hope to receive from one's children than that?

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Alyse Talia,
January 8, 2010 8:49 PM

Thank you so much for such a beautifully written and touching article with such important messages. I am keeping it in my thoughts and prayers that you and your father's relationship continues to blossom more and more each day.
G-d bless,
Alyse Talia

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Anonymous,
January 8, 2010 6:29 PM

thank you

Your story touched a chord in my heart
The hate i feel towards my father and the pain is unbearable
but I guess with alot of work and a positive outlook I can change that.
Thank you

(74)
Anonymous,
January 8, 2010 4:23 PM

Beautiful

That is beautiful. You learned and shared great lessons.

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Just wanted to let you know…,
January 8, 2010 1:50 AM

You inspired me!

You inspired me, I suffer from a dad like yours and telling me that there is light at the end of the tunnel makes me feel really good.
Thank you. wishing you much success in everything.

(72)
A.,
January 7, 2010 8:50 PM

Adults Abused as Children are Not Alone

Thanks to the Katie, and to everyone so far who has been brave enough to share having been raised by abusive fathers (or mothers). It's helpful for the rest of us who also experienced abuse to know we weren't the only ones - such an isolating existence when it's happening.
I, too, forced myself (15 yrs. ago!) to make weekly calls to my dad who lived in a different State. I became religious and eventually these weekly calls were an opportunity to wish him a "Good Shabbos" even though he remained non-observant. When I got married and started having kids I would put our eldest (then 3) on the line, who would count numbers, sing songs, and also wish Grandpa a Good Shabbos. These calls were one of the highlights of his week. I was indeed able to show him kovod (honor), and he told me in his later years that I was a good daughter. But by then I had no respect for him, his lifestyle, his life choices, etc. He had long ago beaten out of me any love or desire to make him proud of me. I have yet to shed a tear over his passing.
To Rosa (#43): Maybe you, too, won't cry during Shiva. But please do honor your father according to your Rav's guidelines. I relate to the neglectful stinginess you are experiencing. Please know that G-d will not forsake you, and He gives you exactly the parnasa you need at every given moment.
To Tonya (#3): I wish you so much comfort.
Lastly, Rabbi Ephraim Shprecher says that adults who experienced abuse from their parents should come to accept this treatment as a tikkun (correction) for our own transgressions from a previous incarnation.

(71)
AVogel,
January 7, 2010 7:57 PM

Wow!

G-d bless you , and thank you for sharing a very challenging and intimate struggle. It is a true inspiration!
In your merit, may G-d, our Father in heaven, have mercy on his children, and bring blessing, love, and redemption soon!

(70)
Chanan Tzionov,
January 7, 2010 7:21 PM

that hit home

wow. i particularly loved the third to last paragraph where you wrote that instead of getting angry at him when he bursts out at you, you feel for him and he is appreciative of the fact that you understand his difficulty in being able to control his temper. and that seems to be the healthiest most effective way in dealing and g-d willing getting rid of his temper/enhancing your relationship regardless of your fathers actions.
thats such a deep lesson for me. instead of resenting people and their shortcomings, accept them for who they are, love their positive traits, and work to enhance the relationship no matter what. in doing so, they will come to see their bad traits themselves/will be more open to hearing your loving words of guidance to help them.
thanks so much for this article!

(69)
Anonymous,
January 7, 2010 2:25 PM

Your article is obviously touching a chord in many people. I have met many returnees to Judaism in this situation. Maybe one of the reasons G-d gives out difficult fathers we "hate" is so that we'll have a space to look for One we can love?

(68)
Anonymous,
January 7, 2010 4:41 AM

thank you so much for this article. i too have been suffering and seeking help about my fathers emotinal,and physical abuse. i ve always pushed myself to live by telling myself that the future will be better. im still so young and barely started my life. i know my relationship with him isnt changing any time soon for i too hate him at this point. youve given me hope though,katie and i thank you with all thats left of my pained heart. as you can tell from the feedback u had a great impact on a lot of people. it was a a big mitzva of you to publish this and show the world there is hope.tizku limitzvos and yasher coach

(67)
devorah,
January 7, 2010 3:44 AM

HONOR thy father, not LOVE

The commandment is HONOR thy father... there is no obligation to love. The actions that are mandated by the commandment are very clearly delineated by our rabbis, and I'm pretty sure they don't include spending time with your parents. When the author asked the rabbi if she was still obligated in the mitzvah of honoring her father, did she clarify all of the situations? One can run into a lot of trouble interpreting halacha for oneself - i.e. "Since the rabbi said I am still obligated to honor my father, I guess that means I have to spend time with him, forgive him, learn to love him, etc."
Perhaps, the rabbi consulted by the author did not fully understand the situation. Abuse, verbal or emotional, is something that needs to be dealt with very specifically. It is true that you should not ask advice from 2 different rabbis, but if you are in a unique situation, you are allowed to specifically seek counsel from someone who has an expertise in that area. You can approach a 2nde rabbi with some background in family counseling or social work and say "This is the situation with my father. Rabbi X said since I am not in physical or emotional danger, I am still obligated in the mitzvah. But I think he might not have fully understood the severity of verbal abuse." The 2nd rabbi will say if he feels that since you consulted someone else prior, he is not in a position to give you a different answer.

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billy kirwan,
January 7, 2010 1:51 AM

Excellent

Excellent story, with very good points in it. Thanks for sharing

(65)
Anonymous,
January 6, 2010 11:21 PM

strength

Your strength of character is admirable. My husband and his parents have no communication- they treated our little girl so poorly. For years I have tried to ask him to try and speak with them. You are strong- I wish i could forgive my in laws for their bad behaviour and stupidity. How do you forgive someone who has deeply hurt your child and cannot apologise for this behaviour. For years I took our daughter to see them but after they never remembered her birthday or called her for Yom Tovim (she always called them) she is now a teenager who says she is unable to respect them. I cannot force her to- my belief is that they do not deserve such a warm and beautiful grandchild.

It could be that your father behaves this was because he is bipolar. Perhaps your mother or a friend could get him to see a doctor or a therapist for an evaluation. Thank yo ufor an enlightening article. I can udnerstand how hard it must have been for you.

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Anonymous,
January 6, 2010 6:07 PM

Personal Journey

All of the comments on the article have been almost as thought provoking and heart wrenching as the article itself. As an emotionally scarred and sexually abused child (my father was the spirit killer) I know how difficult it is to release the feelings of loss of childhood and self esteem. I am in my mid sixties still trying to understand and create an inner peace.Each day I thank Hashem for always guiding with me on this journey. Wishing the best for all who travel similar paths.

(61)
Anonymous,
January 6, 2010 5:08 PM

My constant inner battle

Katie, thank you. I realise that this must have been extremely difficult to both write and publish but in doing so you have helped me in many ways. I went through a very similar story myself. I came home from school one day to find my entire family waiting for me in the entrance hall. The room was filled with tension. All eyes were on me. Silence. My father was sitting on a couch by the door and asked me to sit with him. The next few words that came from him mouth changed my world forever. "We're getting a divorce" I couldn't process the information. I was in shock... heart-broken. I was only 10 and had not suspected anything. My entire world came crashing down. As if from nowhere my insides were filled with a deeply intense feeling of hatred. "How dare he do this to ME!" Every weekend I was forced to stay at his tiny flat. It made me feel sick thinking about it. Each week I became hysterical at the thought of having to be around "him." Each week I would try to make excuses, "I have stomach ache" was a regular. Once, I ran up to my bedroom and pretended to be asleep. Anything but stay with "that man". I was always too frightened to say "no" to him...so I kept up the act. One Friday night he came over and asked to talk. My heart was beating so fast. And then...the truth. All of a sudden I began to spill my innermost feelings. He hugged me and I lied that everything was ok now. "How could it be ok?" How could I ever forgive him? I hated him! This hatred stayed with me for many years. It is only recently that I have begun to take those steps that you did. To recognize that I cannot change him, or what he did. The only person I can change is ME. I realised that he was trying to do the right thing. He never wanted to hurt me. He too can get into a fiery rage but that is what he has to work on. I have to work on seeing the good. On being a good daughter. The more I tried to hate him, the more I hated him. The more I try to love, the more I love him.

(60)
Jong,
January 6, 2010 12:37 PM

Triumph

Your personal accounts rings SO true to me. Thank you Katie for this truly moving story. It will be very much useful to me.

(59)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2010 9:39 PM

follow up article...?

Would it be possible to write a follow up article addressing (some of) these comments. You are a fantastic writer and have a wonderful message to give over -
It seems that it would help a lot of people.
Is this possible?

(58)
Nissim,
January 5, 2010 9:09 PM

Same Story (Hopefully the same end)

First of all my appriciations to you Katie. I really am cheered to hear that some other people who have my problem had succeeded. It gives me hope.
Your father sounds to be very much alike with mine. And my father is also emotionally abusive on an extereme level. This year i too took the mitsva on and doing my very best by avoiding to talk any subjects that might end with a quarrel again; but as we work together you may guess how hard this is. So i would really appriciate for some practical advices on how to achieve better. And when it comes to my close ones i am really awfully bad in pretending smiling or etc.

(57)
Anon,
January 5, 2010 4:46 PM

Parental mitzva to create atmosphere of respect

I heard a beautiful drash in which the rav said that the mitzva of honoring father and mother, is also a mitzva for the parents, in that they have to create an atmosphere of respect in the home. Halachically, parents are the natural guardian of the child. They do not have rights over the child. If I am not mistaken the issue of abusive parents is discussed in Yore Deah, and the conclusion is that where the child is endangered they may distance themselves from the parent. The issue is not about being let off the hook by a rabbi, like getting permission to eat a cheeseburger. It's about first and foremost the protection of an abused child, including adult child. This is not the first article of this kind presented by Aish, and to be honest it is absolutely baffling. Whilst the individual heroine in the story is impressive, these articles very much create the impression that these are examples to emulate. Child abuse of all forms is RAMPANT and destroys lives. Yes, it is pikuach nefesh -- a matter of life and death.

Anonymous,
December 23, 2018 8:06 PM

What you say about parental obligations is true. However, children also have obligations. Their obligations are not only to parents who have "merited" them by their good behavior, but also to parents who have messed up. They are onligations to parents by virtue of their being their parents. There are times when the abuse is ongoing when a Rabbi may give different guidelines. But each situation is different. I once heard that following the Torah brings healing and helps a person be emotionally intact. In the present case, one could definitely argue that it was specifically by following Torah law that the author was able to bring healing to HERSELF (and her relationship with her father - but this is a secondary point). Far from putting her in harm's way, following Torah law was EXACTLY WHAT SHE NEEDED TO HEAL.

(56)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2010 4:43 PM

Abuse

After reading your article, I reminded myself of a mesechta in Moad Kattan that my husband showed me that he learned a few weeks ago. It states that a parent is not allowed to hit a child nor abuse that child in private or public. There is a book called From Victim to Victor by Dr. Miriam Adahan that is a practical guide for recognizing abuse and discovering spiritual strengths.
As a child of Holocaust survivors I was physically abused and emotionally abused. I am still working on coming to terms of that part of my life and I know that my parents love me deeply. I am grateful to HaShem for having my parents and run to help and visit them whenever I can.
Unfortunately, abuse is across the board in the Jewish community.
I know that my children grew up in an angry household
because my husband was neglected and abused as well.
My children are working to stop that disease in their own families and I hope they will be successful.
I am sure your father did not have his needs met as a child and the tools to work out his own issues. I am also sure he must feel guilty every time he yells. Looking back as a parent I have guilt feelings as to how I handled certain situations when my children were growing up.
Now that there are so many books on this subject hopefully the next generation will learn to deal with life's issues better. The thing to remember anger is like cancer.
We can cure it.

(55)
Sara,
January 5, 2010 9:33 AM

Yes, but...

I am really happy for the author of this post but I think about the relationship (or lack of) relationship with my father & I find it almost impossible to want to have any more to do with him than I have at the moment. The man in this article sounds like my dad - I have to treat my parents like children in order for them to stop taking advantage of my kindness. The only reason I have any contact with them at all is because of kibud ov v'aym but I don't really feel any sort of love for people who believe that I was put on earth for their convenience & who try to belittle me when I don't do exactly what they want. Creating boundaries & aiding my parents as much as I can is the most that I can do - as a result of this parental relationship I attract the very same kind of men in my life which is a hard thing to get away from. IYH I will have the strength to move past getting involved with people who resemble my father & stop the pattern of always fighting with someone who doesn't care about my rights & desires & is only interested in their own agenda.

(54)
Darlene,
January 5, 2010 4:18 AM

I am so proud of you, Katie!!

Katie, Your life story really spoke to me. Good will always win out over the bad. My heart went out to you and what you had to endure with your father. Yet, God did not abandon you and allowed you to see him with different eyes. The good seeds you were sowing of looking for the good in him and trying to understand him, brought forth a harvest of love between you.. I am so happy for you and your father. You have given new hope to me as I was having a difficult relationship with a close relative. Thank you, Katie, you have been a real blessing to me. Also, I want you to know that you are truly a gifted writer. The Lord bless you in all your ways. Shalom,

(53)
miri,
January 5, 2010 3:46 AM

Same story

My father is also very emotionally abusive and he was physically abusive as well- I also asked a Rav to let me off the hook and he also didn't. I'm so glad he said no! My relationship with him has improved tremendously since I took this mitzvah on. He's still himself, but I'm a completely different person: stronger, more patient, and much more accepting.

(52)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2010 2:44 AM

Stamp out resentment

Katie,
This is a beautiful article. What you have proven is that resentment was what made you miserable - not your father. I wouldn't be surprised if your father had his own resentment toward someone in his life who made HIM feel constantly inadequate. This feeling of inadequacy was so ingrained in his personality that I am willing to bet that he didn't even realize what he was doing to you. It is so commendable that you stopped this in its tracks. Your kindness and forgiveness are a shining example to the many people in your situation. How does one deal perfectly with imperfect people? The answer lies in not reacting the way we are treated. Over time, by simply dropping judgment and remaining still on the inside, we learn to forgive and more important, deal with new situations that arise in the right way.

(51)
Kendall,
January 5, 2010 1:49 AM

To Honor is tough

To honor one's father can be quite a tough situation. In my young life it was especially tough. My father and I were pretty much strangers and though we cared and loved one another, there was a hole in our relationship. An odd blessing from God came when I was 15. My mother almost died. It was late and we took her to the hospital. My Dad was more lost and scared than I think I had ever saw him. He relied on me that night and thank the Lord I was able to assist him. It was my real first chance to honor him as an adult. Roughly one year ago, he was diagnosed with Multiple Myleoma and I had the chance to honor him again by helping him transition from what he thought was a healthy life with years to burn, to a life that ended this past June. I am glad the writer can honor her father and their relationship continues to grow. I just wish I could say the same.

(50)
MaggieAC,
January 4, 2010 11:39 PM

I relate, but with my mother -

I am 58 years. old. As such, I should have "life" figured out. IMy husband and I have to live with my mother, who is 85 and quite handicapped. In all honesty, she was a "drill sargeant" in my life -- especially those fragile years of 13-17. All I knew to do was not to cross her. If I would, I would experience pain. I feel so bad (fast foward to now) that I have little to no intimacy with her. I feel bad when she's in pain (but just the same as I would a next door neighbor). I go through the motion of caring, but I don't think I really do "care" too much. Does this fall under "you reap what you sow"(?) or should I get counseling over my detachment? Thank you, for whoever answers.

(49)
Heather,
January 4, 2010 10:06 PM

Honor your parents

My parents were bad parents. They were arrested for child neglect. So I hated the commandment to honor your parents so that you have a long life. My attitude was that I would die youg since I refused to honor/respect my parents. Then one day I looked up the diffinition of honor in the dictionary. One of the diffinitions was to bring honor or respect to. I realized that just by living a good life I could meet the commandment. A lot of people who know my mom then meet then meet me are disrespectful to me. But everyone who meets me first then my mom have respect for her. They automactically assume I learned my good behavior from her. She's making up for being a bad parent by being a good grandma.

(48)
Anonymous,
January 4, 2010 9:42 PM

The Torah does not command you to love your parents

The Torah commands us to honor and fear parents. I am not sure if this helps but it means you need to look at it all from a slightly different perspective.

(47)
Richard,
January 4, 2010 6:14 PM

Only when one chooses to honor a father who is a frightful abusive bully, can one truly understand the worthlessness of their own existence as dictated by their frightful abusive parent. Parents like that should spend their lives in prison and be honored in prison by their fellow inmates instead of by their emotionally abused children who were too abused to understand what they have acceded to.

(46)
Anonymous,
January 4, 2010 5:20 PM

what an incredible accomplishment. You climbed that mountain! Isn't that what Hashem wants from us - he gives us challenges to help us become greater human beings.
Thank you for the encouragement and hope you gave me in overcoming my personal challenge

(45)
gbauer,
January 4, 2010 4:24 PM

my 2nd comment

When I stated earleir the best way I have found to Honor your Mother and Father is to Believe and live your Faith I meant it. (personal experience) I was NOT saying to allow someone to continue abuse to you! Living the Faith, living the Commandments IS an honor to anyone you meet or know whether you continue contact with them or not. It is the highest way to Honor another person,and does not offer yourself to further abuse. I do not recommend staying in any abusive relationship, but there is still a way to fullfill this Commandment without allowing the abuse to continue! Live your Faith! Honoring / following G-d honors every being you are in contact with wether they know it or not!

(44)
Linda,
January 4, 2010 3:16 PM

I think you are the stronger and better person for it

I don't think everyone has the strength and determination you have had to make your relationship better. How many times are we supposed to forgive? Countless times, as God forgives us. I was married to a man like this, who did abuse my two children from my first marriage. I was too stupid to get them out of it, and they have suffered irreversable damage from it. Two of his three children (girls) don't even speak to him, and he doesn't care at all. my youngest son is the only one who has anything to do with him. He is still the same person, a pitiful mess, surrounded by his own foolish thoughts and ego, absolutely good for nothing or no one, concerned about no one but himself, as always, some people you won't ever change. It's different in every case. Some can be reconciled, some cannot. Hatred? yes we knew it, the pain and intimidation he delivered to us, never let up. My oldest son, His daughter, and myself had at one time or another thought to kill him. What stopped us was only God in our life, protecting us from a greater evil. God bless you Katie as you continue your journey.

(43)
Rosa,
January 4, 2010 1:22 PM

To honor?

My father is exactly the man Katie describes and more. He has caused tremendous suffering to my mother (bringing out and aggravating her mental illness), doing the same to me (am now 35), and my brother. Although my parents also divorced after 20 years, he held the purse strings, and in a way continues to do so because he pays my mother alimony and housing support. I would never allow a rabbi to tell me to honor this man and when I say Birkat Hamazon, I omit the line which thanks my father and have done so for over 15 years. People like Katie's father, mine and many others are sociopaths, and narcissists to a degree that can only be helped my intensive therapy, if they can be helped at all. Why would anyone want their children or grandchildren to subject themselves to any abuse? When I do have to sit shiva, it will be devoid of emotion.

(42)
Anonymous,
January 4, 2010 11:27 AM

Hi Katie:
When I read articles like this I form many opinions based on my own experiences in life. However, number one -I have learned never to take sides with the parent or child. Katie -you may be right about your father -but then agian you could but wrong about his motives and inner feelings.
Parents, (most parents) really want the best from their children but may not have the proper tools to work with... Sure, yelling and temper flares are wrong, but these things are universally wrong by anyone who reacts in this manner. I don't think that it should be magnified on parents "so to speak".
Katie -my father and mother both did not provide for my lively hood and to this day I suffer from the repercussions -but I don't hate them. Hate is a strong word and a strong feeling. In the community where I was raised -children were disciplined by parents, nevertheless I have never heard anyone that I recall express anything close to hate.
I believe strongly that if parents or children are so "bad" in their dealings with one another -that Aish .com is definately not the place to express those ideas. I have seen first hand children who would use an opportunity like this to gain pity from the audience. This may or may not be the case in your instance.
Katie -I wish you and your father all the best -and "if" these things are true -that you will raise your children different.
Remember, hate is a strong word and a strong feeling (especially when expressed before the public)

(41)
Anonymous,
January 4, 2010 11:14 AM

Honor verus protecting yourself and children

Not sure what the Torah's prospective on this is, the person described above describes my father who was verabally / emotionally and physically abusive, I have tolerated this and accomodated it for three decades, two weeks ago I drew the line when he acted viciously in front of my children, while I will do the my best not to dishonour him, I cannot allow him to have a relatsionship with my children (my treasures) and to allow his conduct to erode their belief in kindness caring, patience and composure and understanding.

(40)
Benda,
January 4, 2010 10:53 AM

Manipulative Parents? Be Respectful - but not Vulnerable

Let me join those commenters who warn that many situations do not end in this way - and it is very easy for the children of narcissistic parents to be manipulated. Don't kid yourself that you're doing a mitzvah if you remain dependent and vulnerable to such a personality. Formal respect and courtesy must often come with clear limits on the relationship.

(39)
Anonymous,
January 4, 2010 6:19 AM

comments 3 and 4

I had fantastic parents. Some of my friends had damaging parents. Comments 3 and 4 ring true to me. You see evil, run the oter way. Things do not always work out like it did for Katie. I am very happy for her. But to hold out false hope for others is not right. I ahve seen the damage done. It lasts a lifetime. And the tigers don't change their stripes, more often than not. I applaud those who see things for what they are, and run. The step into marriage counseling is usually, invariably, a step out of the marriage. Abuse is abuse. To remain a victim is not right. Chanukah teaches us to light candles to change the darkness into light. Sometimes that means to leave darkness and run away to light. This is not a matter of winners and losers. It is a matter of living without fear. Katie got lucky. In my insignificant opinion, she is in the minority.
Shalom

(38)
Anonymous,
January 4, 2010 5:34 AM

honour? or not dishonour?

Such a powerful article. I'm thrilled for this daughter who was able to finally work on seeing the good side of her father and living with it. I, too, come from an emotionally yet also physically abusive father. Over the years, I have struggled with this very question. Do I have to honour this man? I came to the conclusion (with Rabbinic counsel) that I should never dishonour him but neutrally honour him instead by distancing myself from him and his life. This has enabled me to raise my own family without my emotional baggage.

(37)
Anonymous,
January 4, 2010 4:15 AM

When I saw what this story was about I was not planning on reading it because I find them very difficult to read. My first father was also like yours. Unfortunately, shortly after my parents divorced, he completely abandoned our family. You're an incredibly strong person and I respect that. I'm so glad I read this because it has given the commandment of respecting one's parents a whole new meaning to me. Thank you so much!

(36)
thomas eby,
January 4, 2010 3:37 AM

Hate is distructive to the hater.

Katie, I am a man 73 years of age. I can understand what you mean about hate but I have never understood hate. I have found that hate is a wasted emotion and solves nothing. I do not think I have ever hated anyone in my life.
Your father exhibited hateful emotions in his life directed at you but he was only hurting himself.
I will tell you a brief story about my life as a child. I was born in the middle of the depression and the second youngest of seven children. My mother was a nurse and supported all seven of us without the help of my father.
He was a very intelligent man but was drowning in alcholism. He only appeared at our door when he was broke and sober wich was not often. He did many things that you would not want to happen to you or your family.
I will not relate them as they are past and best left alone.
We all had great reason to hate our father but none ever did. We were so poor that there were days that we never ate anything. My father could have prevented that
but alcohol was his calling.
Today our mother and father are long gone from this world
but to this day we do not and did not hate him
By the grace of the Almighty we survived with love and
without hate.
Your father was wrong in what he did but it is good that
you do not hate him any longer.

Anonymous,
December 23, 2018 7:49 PM

Thank you for your story.

(35)
rk,
January 4, 2010 2:20 AM

i loved this article

Wow! I admire your mature strength and perseverence- thank you for inspiring me to become a better daughter and to rise to the (compartively small) challenges that I face.

(34)
me too,
January 4, 2010 1:58 AM

I get it now too

My experience with my father was much the same when I was a child, though he also hit me and I was terrified. But now that we are both much older, much to my surprise, our relationship is improving. I realized after my mother died that half of his anger was in defense of her when she became irritable with me. She is no longer irritable, so he is no longer so angry. We are finally communicating. I call him at least weekly and try to visit at least several times a year though we live 800 miles apart. My father is the only family member who is supportive of my efforts to become more observant, though he considers himself non-religious (and goes to synagogue at least twice a week).

(33)
Anonymous,
January 4, 2010 1:08 AM

Amazing Strength of Charachter

I can read and re-read your powerful gut-wrenching article as it applies so much to my own history
My Mother was not only verbally abusive and cruel, but the constant Mantra I heard from as far back as I can remember was "I wish you kids would grow up and get the He__ out of here"!!!! She would also beat me, throw dishes at us and constantly call me derogatory names. In my early fifties and after years of counseling I still hate her, yet the Torah tells me i must 'honor' her, so I do, make sure she has shelter, adeq money, resources etc. but to actually turn it around and love someone who went out of her way to be cruel and inhuman to me, is a bit much to ask......You are a special person Katie, but I was told by many many Rabannim that the Torah tells us to 'HONOR' our Parents....LOVE is something they have to earn!

(32)
anon,
January 4, 2010 12:28 AM

excellent article

the authors words made me feel like she crept inside my memory banks and was telling my story. truth is that i have not reached the point where she has taken it and i therefore look forward to walking in her footsteps. truly brilliant. thank you

(31)
Rachel,
January 4, 2010 12:10 AM

Don't throw a stumbling block in front of the blind

Sure it's a mitzvah to honor a parent, and it's a mitzvah to not place a stumbling block in front of the blind. Meaning that when a parent acts so miserably, like Katie's dad and Tonya's, they throw a huge barrier in the way. Are these men stupid? Would they treat a superior at work or a customer or client in such a mean way? Of course not. They know the behavior would not be tolerated, and there is no reason why a child needs to tolerate it, either. The child has the obligation to make sure the parent doesn't die alone and uncared for, but doesn't personally have to be the one visiting Dad if Dad is that pathological. If the father has that little self-introspection to understand and care that his bad behavior is ruining the family, then I don't think the child needs to feel guilty for not being a superhero in return. The Torah never said we have to love our parents, only to honor them and to fear them.

(30)
Daniel Krueger,
January 3, 2010 11:18 PM

Not all parents are easy to love

Is (was) your father a Survivor?
I only ask as the son of who was called to a higher standard as a way for my parents to prove to the world via the next generation that Jews are as good - if not better than others.
For at least my parents that was a way to justify their survival which they battled with daily.
On both accounts we worked it out before they passed - but it was a great deal of emotional work on all sides and the work was different with my mother and father who shared a similar Survivor experience but were clearly scarred differently by the Shoah.

(29)
Rochel,
January 3, 2010 11:16 PM

Abusive Father does not deserve daughter's love

Honoring one's parents has specific guidelines, like not sitting in your father's chair, etc... If my father was this emotionally abusive to me, I would not communicate with him. People like this are cruel and manipulative. Holding out on money is just one way. You write that you had to be nice to get your monitary needs met... this is already a breach in parental duty so severe that I cannot imagine that a rav told you to keep seeing him. Depriving your family of money they need to live, when you have it, is comletely abusive. You are a better woman than me. I would have told such an abusive father (thank G-d mine is not) to shove of a long time ago. If what I do is not good enough, let him be alone and see if that is good enough.

(28)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2010 11:00 PM

The MItzvah is to "Honor Your Father and Your Mother"

B"H
The MItzvah is to "Honor Your Father and Your Mother" not to love them. I found "honoring" a good place to start. In Hashem's iinfinite wisdom, by trying to honor them, little by little, I am finding myself loving and caring about my difficult mother. Like the author, this is bringing about healing for both of us. May we all find the strength and guidance ot honor our parents in a way that pleases Hashem and them.

(27)
,
January 3, 2010 9:40 PM

I just had to comment on this article. So many feel that the commandment to honor one's parents is the most difficult. While I admire your resolve to fulfill this commandment, I don't understand how you get through the "day to day" with someone who is emotionally abusive. When you have children, will you allow him to scream at them?

(26)
Sandy,
January 3, 2010 8:20 PM

It's a fine line

I admire that you were able to overcome your difficult relationship with your father and forge a new one. The key is in taking responsibility for what you wanted to create. I, too, had a difficult relationship with my dad, and it took me many years to stop blaming and take responsibility for what I wanted to create. My most challenging time came when I was first married and my parents had just recently divorced. My dad would call me and curse out my mother, which wasn't okay with me. I went to my Rabbi to ask about fulfilling the mitzvah of kibud av v'am and was told that my new family, ie my husband, came first. Shalom bayit, peace in the house, was trumped honoring my dad when he was not worthy of honor and was making me sick inside. That was a liberating moment in my life, and it was pivotal as to how I related to him. I was able to create clear boundaries minus guilt from then on. That has been my saving grace, the boundaries I have created, and my dad and I now have a loving relationship. The best of luck to you!

(25)
Rachel,
January 3, 2010 8:12 PM

Why was her father like this?

Maybe he himself was abused growing up. Maybe for her father,it was a huge accomplishment to not turn to physical punishment/violence when he was angry. The writer is to be commended for her perseverance in this difficult mitzvah. I hope that when she is a parent, she will take what she has learned and continue to break the circle of anger and emotional abuse.

(24)
Gerald Lush,
January 3, 2010 8:07 PM

Loving The Unloveable.

Your article on loving the father I hate spoke to my heart and soul. It was a blessing indeed. These words will always remain with me: "I now see that no matter what he has done, it is not up to me to decide whether he is deserving of my love or not." G-d grant us always a right and understanding attitude in these situations.

(23)
Pauls sister,
January 3, 2010 8:01 PM

he had a bad life why should I suffer?

my father had a bad life, as a child he repeatedly said he hated me. In hindsight he actually hated his mohter and sister who treated him poorly. He hated me on their behalf - he didnt have the confidence to confront them so took it out on me.
I love him, I really do but I dont like him. I take great care of him do everything in my power to look after him but I will never get over what hes done to me. His voice sets me on edge, I dont want to visit my mother cuz hes there. When I do visit I count down the hours until I leave.
Things are so bad, when I got my Get from my ex, I changed my name by deed poll, theres no way I would go back to his surname.
Is it possible for a Aish Rabbi to comment on this subject please?

(22)
Susan,
January 3, 2010 7:26 PM

Awesome article

Good article! You are brave to write it. Abuse is abuse is abuse. No matter if it is something you can see or not. I too was mentally abused at the hands of my mother. I learned to honor her and not the things bestowed upon me. I carried such anger and hate until I received help through therapy and a lot of prayer. She can still trigger my emotions but I have to remember, she is aging and I can tell her to STOP IT. I can say I love you to her and mean it. It was her anger at her father that she has passed on to me. It was up to me to learn from it. I got what I needed when I needed it. I have compassion for children that are abused. I worked in a day care for 15 years and it helped me move on and understand how NOT to treat children! On another note, this could have been your fathers way of saying I love you. It is hard to see that our children are imperfect and some parents point out all our faults so we can improve. Not that it works that way when it is done in an unkind manner, but they think it does! Thank you for your article!

(21)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2010 6:58 PM

a daily struggle

I struggle daily with this mitzvah and my abusive mentally ill mother, and my father who adores her and prefers to believe her delusions about everyone else in the world. I have tried to please them, and inevitably fail, for they only demand I give them everything they desire and meekly take their abuse. They neither care about me nor see my intentions to keep the peace with them or honor them. I only hope G-d forgives me for not condoning their abuse, for unless I do so, they will never be satisfied. Every time I visit them I have nightmares for days. I hope the One who sees it all will understand.

(20)
Melissa Groman, LCSW,
January 3, 2010 6:08 PM

brave and honest

What an honest and brave story. Thank you for telling it. Hate and anger are so very painful, and yes, hurt us deeply. Understanding those who have (or do) hurt us can go a long way toward finding relief and helping with our own pain, as does being understood (whenever possible) by those who have hurt us. We don't have to stay in dangerous or harmful situations, but we can seek healing through learning about the fear and pain of others.

(19)
Harry Pearle,
January 3, 2010 5:10 PM

Try Honoring your Father on Shabbat ?

I can relate to your tensions with your father. I think there may be an explanation from tradition. Until modern times, children had to work from an early age to help their parents to survive. Thus, there was a bond based on the service the children provided.
My father's parents had a candy story and so my father had to work in the store. But when I grew up I worked at my studies and I did not help my father in his business, My father worked very hard, with long hours. I worked hard a school but not in his business. Thus, I think there was a resentment toward me, that I could not understand.
In Kedoshim, Lev.19.3 it says that every man should revere his mother and his father and observe the Sabbath. Perhaps observing the Sabbath with your father can help you to honor him more. Maybe he will come to understand and appreciate you more...
Thank you, Katie, for helping me to understand and appreciate my parents, of blessed memory.

(18)
Marcie,
January 3, 2010 5:03 PM

Same problem with my mother! So hard to deal with...

it hurt to read your article. you are an incredible woman to make efforts towards your father. i do not even know
where to start with my mother. your writing gives me some much needed suggestions.

(17)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2010 4:43 PM

Different approach

My approach was somewhat different - my father was incredibly difficult to please too and nothing was good enough for him. When I got married I decided to sever my ties with him and 7 years have passed and we still haven't spoken. He also has personality disorders as well as bipolar depression which makes him very unstable and it was doing me a lot of emotional harm to be around him.
I spoke to a number of Rabbi's about my duty to my father and the obligation of honouring my parents and the best way for me to honour him was to stay away from him. If I stayed close to him I was likely to show him disrespect because it is not possible for me to respect him.
There is obviously a lot more to this but sometimes you need to steer clear of people who can damage you even if they are a parent.

(16)
Bernie Siegel, MD,
January 3, 2010 4:26 PM

love is a weapon

when you love your enemies you eliminate them. they no longer affect your life and thoughts in a destructive manner. when you say i love you to them every day for three months and then skip a day they will call you to say you forgot something. i know from experience with my patients and their abusive parents and families. if you do not grow up with love the result is damaging to all. you need to find a chosen parent or reparent yourself and abandon your past.

(15)
Harold,
January 3, 2010 4:18 PM

People who can't or won't do what she's done shouldn't feel bad

The author may deserve praise for the extraordinary lengths that she has gone through to accept her father. But I think it's extremely important that people who can't or won't follow her example not feel that they are deficient in some way.
It's okay to follow your instincts and stay far away from someone who has treated you this way. Moreover, the halacha does not require that everyone act as she has done.
She is an example of someone who has acted exceptionally nobly. She is not necessarily a role model for all to follow.

(14)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2010 4:03 PM

This article made me cry. I am almost 50 years old and I still struggle with feelings towards my father who has always been a hostile and punitive parent. In addition, his treatment of my mother continues to be disrespectful and hostile as well. I endured much emotional abuse growing up in my home and took on a therapeutic role trying to care for my mother as well, who was just too weak to stand up for herself. This unfortunately led me to marry a very abusive man. In addition, it took me a very long time to have the courage to leave my marriage and when I finally did, I felt like I had unleashed a tremendous burden off my shoulders. As somebody who works in the mental health field, I see now that my own suffering has made me a strong advocate for those in abusive situations, as well as a more compassionate and empathetic therapist. I still have a relationship with both my parents and continue to be respectful to my father, often resorting to humor when he makes me upset. However, I want to implore all fathers out there who may read this, Please, love your daughters unconditionally, make them feel valued and special, demonstrate this as well by treating your own spouse with the proper love, sensitivity and respect that they deserve. This is the best way to teach your daughter to choose a husband who will treat her with kindness and respect as well!

(13)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2010 4:01 PM

SUGGEST TO YOUR FATHER TO TAKE AN ANTI DEPRESSANT

BY HUSBAND WAS VERY SIMILAR AND JUS IN THE NICK OF TIME BEFORE WE DIVORCED AND HE LOST ANY CONNECTION WITH THE KIDS HE STARTED TAKING SOMETHING. NOW HE SAYS HES SORRY HE DIDNT DO IT YEARS AGO HE FEELS SOO MUCH BETTER

(12)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2010 4:01 PM

Abusive Parents

I have to commend Katie on how she's dealt with this horrible situation. But people need to realize something - physical abuse is bad, but emotional and verbal abuse can be much worse. If there's a way to resolve the situation (maybe even after years of trying), then go for it. But for some people, they just have to remove themselves from the situation for their own sanity. A parent's job is to raise the child(ren) that G-d has given to him or her. Parents have no right to abuse or neglect children. The children belong to G-d and they're on loan. If parents are going to abuse their children, then they shouldn't expect their children to love and/or respect them. That's just pure ego and selfishness. Therapy's great, but it doesn't always work. Children should not be pushed into "loving" and "respecting" people who don't deserve it.
Katie's father should be grateful that she didn't just pick up all the dishes and smash them on the floor, which is what I would have done. When you show love and respect to your own children, they'll give it back to you. People need to start thinking about the results of their actions. There are so many people who simply cannot be a parent. Either don't have children, or place them with people who want them. How many more children have to suffer an abusive childhood, only to have to go through years of therapy, or even die at the hands of an abusive parent, before something's done about it?
Sometimes, i don't know which is worse - surviving the abuse, or dying from it. I only wish it was like this for every abused child - to be like katie and be able to deal with the situation with G-d's help.
May our children know no more sorrow and abuse.

(11)
SusanE,
January 3, 2010 3:51 PM

Love, Hate, and Honor

Thank you Katie for telling your story. It is a happy ever after story and pleasant endings give us all a feeling of hope and balance for our own lives. Your Rabbi was a wise man to not 'let you off the hook'. When your parents divorced, and you had some time away from your Father, and you were able to come to some terms about your own strengths and your level of observance. You broke the pattern when you uttered the words "It's only a plate" . You were very strong in saying you were responsible for your own actions, that is a very difficult thing to acknowledge. And you were very strong in admitting that your Father was no longer responsible for 'your being a bitter angry person'. Most controlling parent-child relationships are an entire lifetime filled with resentment and hate and frustration. - - - - - - - - - Congratulations on being a wonderful daughter and becoming a strong, healthy woman.

(10)
Iris Moskovitz,
January 3, 2010 3:51 PM

What an exceptional young woman.

Perhaps the father should be going to some time of therapy , to allow him to talk about the possible verbal abuse he might have been exposed to as a young child and adolescent. If that is what he could have been experiencing himself, he simply just repeated the same vicious cycle again, onto his own daughter. Just a thought. Good luck to all involved .

(9)
Anon,
January 3, 2010 3:49 PM

Yet another Aish article proclaiming the virtues of suffering abuse.

You do not have to have contact with any person you are afraid of, or who is harmful to you - even if that person is one of your parents. This is the response I received from a very hareidi rabbi. Honoring parents does not include suffering abuse from them. How many times does this have to be said on this website!

Anon,
December 23, 2018 7:44 PM

Every situation is different. The writer has discussed her particular issue with her Rabbi and followed his counsel. Please don't extrapolate from your own situation to everyone else's.It easy nowadays to label behaviors "abuse," but not all bad behavior is "abuse," and even if is, not all abuse has to be handled only one way. The mitzvah of honoring your parents is not something you discard solely based on your feelings.

(8)
ruth,
January 3, 2010 3:17 PM

perfection

This is a powerful article about a subject that's deeply painful. I understand how it is to experience a father who wants perfection from his daughter, and yet there is no definition of perfect as it's actually an unattainable goal. I know, because my father was similar and also, of course, different.
I know one thing, and that is, we are somehow altered by the behavior of our parents' towards us, and when it's this kind of abuse, an abuse that never seems to "arrive", meaning the goal of pleasing the parent, then many learn a deep and ongoing sensitivity towards others, honed by that critical 'other'.
And so the gift, paradoxically, is how we are changed by the circumstances of our lives, and to ponder love in this context, brings us often to an enlargement of "self".
I see that we are all of us clay at the potter's wheel, and that father has many dimensions, in terms of how we incorporate anger and such deep deep hurt.

(7)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2010 3:09 PM

good stuff

i know my daughter has the same problem with her father.
we separated because how difficult it is to deal with him, but my daughter suffers from his personality the most.
any sugestions?

(6)
gbauer,
January 3, 2010 2:56 PM

re abandonment and injury

Wonderful article! i have pondered this same question for many years. (for myself and others ) I concluded the best way to Honor my Mother and Father is to BELIEVE , to honor G-d. In doing this you can not fail to honor parents otherwise impossible to reach or attain. Living a Life of Faith honors your anscestors, and even those who would hate you.

(5)
Victor Hafichuk,
January 3, 2010 2:42 PM

Help the Helpless

The problems parents often pose for their children are their own. They are the ones in need. You seem to be meeting that need. Good going, Katie!

(4)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2010 2:34 PM

Too much to ask

The fact that this young lady seems to have grown up mentally and emotionally balanced is a MIRACLE. The Torah says we must always respect and honot our parents with one exception - when they tell us/show us/teach us to transgress the Torah. Clearly, this father was guilty of emotional abuse toward his wife and daughter. Angry temper tantrums are likened to idol worship by the sages. The Torah teaches us to be forgiving but repeated emotional abuse is in many ways is unforgiveable and can be much worse than physical abuse. The Torah tell us to avoid angry people. Repeated abuse is EVIL and the Torah says to RESIST EVIL. I am getting divorced from a man who acted the same was as the man in this article. He is still so angry he is now trying to turn my child against me. Some people never change, even after counseling and therapy. Some people make the lives of their family members miserable and no one deserves to be treated that way nor should emotiional abuse be tolerated.

(3)
Tonya,
January 3, 2010 2:19 PM

Abandonment and injury

My biological father abandoned me when I was a few months old. My step-father abused me in every way from about age 4. I finally was able to meet my biological father during my second year of law school when he told me, "I kept the children I wanted." As much as I want to, I am unable to relate to this story. How I wish I could.

(2)
'Michy,
January 3, 2010 12:09 PM

incredible

this exquisitely written article has impressed me so much. I can relate to where she is coming from and i really think that it will help me with my dad..in fact, i never thought about it like this at all. i know it's going to be tough but i have been given the strength and inspiration to try. wish me luck!

(1)
Anonymous,
December 27, 2009 7:49 AM

Inspiring

What an amazing victory. The author's ability to take responsibility for her responses, as opposed to blame her father and continue responding incorrectly, is truly inspiring. Yasher koach!