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THIS WEEK IN ZLATAN: Don't @ Zlatan

Every week, 12up attempts to fathom the gorgeous explosive majesty of America's sweetheart, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, as he makes his goodwill tour around the United States and commits soccer war crimes against the MLS at large.

This week, Big Z did three of these five things:

Put his own national team coach in a psychic bodybag

Got his PlayStation 4 to play Sega Saturn games just by leering at it

Cemented his status as Paul Pogba's stern and obstinate surrogate father figure

Allowed Brazilian Ronaldo to take a photo with him

Defeated Ronda Rousey at Wrestlemania without any of his Infinity Stones

Need to get caught up on the past three weeks in Zlatan? We've got you covered.

3. Zlatan Permit Ronaldo to Kiss Ring

"Great to see you @iamzlatanibrahimovic ! Good luck in this season and hope to be back for the playoffs," read #BrazilianRonaldo's Instagram caption after he went to pay Zlatan a visit in SoCal on the occasion of LA Galaxy's match against Atlanta United. What you cannot see in this photo, however, is the point-blank evidence that Ibra washed O Fenômeno's feet before this moment was captured, just like an authentic Christ figure should. And then he cast the money-changers out of the StubHub Center.

2. The Paul Pogba Asking Zlatan for World of Pain

Paul Pogba, Ibra's former teammate at Manchester United, still can't get the big Swede off his mind. He surely tried every method imaginable, including hypnosis, esoteric crystal healing, and wine that comes exclusively in a box. But he failed. In fact, in this recent Instagram video, Pogba wanted to issue a challenge to Zlatan, the father figure he can do nothing but disappoint:

Really, bro? Zlatan has more black belts than a hypothetical gene-spliced mega-clone of Bruce Lee, Van Damme, and Ninja Megazord from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie. Either fix your whack social media game or find yourself a new idol.