The UK Daily Mail reported last week that middle-class Mexicans are having tiny transmitters implanted under their skin so that satellites can track them if they are kidnapped. And the San Francisco Chronicle reported Tuesday that a big-busted woman wearing a large underwire bra set off the metal detector at Oakland International Airport causing a TSA agent to grope her. Fear of kidnapping and big breasts is grabbing people like Bill Clinton did interns back in the Oval Office.

“You can’t be too careful in today’s society, what with Mexican kidnappers, TSA gropers and Democrats for Obama running around doing whatever they want. It’s every woman for themselves anymore,” said Debbi Morer-Les, a sophisticated dentist from Denver, who believes that some things are worth running from. “I may just be one dentist out of the four of five who recommend chewing gum, but that doesn’t mean I’m not worried about societies trends. I’ve got investments in silicone valley and in silicon implants so I might set off metal detectors and get accosted at an airport. I may have to divest to avoid the risk. If I can find a plan that allows me to swap silicon breast implants for an electronic transmitter so I can be tracked if I’m kidnapped by Democrats, I might just do that.”

Not everyone is worried like Morer-Les. “Kidnappings and gropings have been going on since time began and it’s not like it’s anything new, or something to be afraid of,” said Sosumi Moranis, a slender Asian whose beauty defies description just like her undisclosed employment. “What woman hasn’t been groped or kidnapped at least once or twice in the last six months. Well, I suppose there are some, but none who haven’t at least thought about it.”

The Daily Mail reported that sales of transmitters that can be implanted under the skin and tracked by satellites have jumped by 13 per cent this year after kidnappings surged by almost 40 per cent in Mexico between 2004 and 2007. The crystal-encased chip, which is the size and shape of a grain of rice, is injected into middle-class Mexicans’ bodies with a syringe. A transmitter in the chip sends radio signals to a device, carried by the client, with a global positioning system in it, say makers Xega. A satellite can then pinpoint the kidnap victim’s location. Mexico ranks with conflict zones such as Iraq and Colombia as among the worst countries for abductions. Official statistics show 751 kidnappings in the country last year, but the independent crime research institute ICESI says the number could have exceeded 7,000.

The San Francisco Chronicle reported that Berkeley resident Nancy Kates went to Oakland International Airport to board JetBlue flight 472 to Boston, and ended up in a standoff with Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) officials over her bra. Kates, a big-busted woman, was wearing a large underwire bra, and she set off the metal detector. She was pulled aside and checked by a female TSA agent with a metal-sensitive wand. “The woman touched my breast. I said, ‘You can’t do that,’ “ Kates said. “She said, ‘We have to pat you down.’ I said, ‘You can’t treat me as a criminal for wearing a bra.’ “

The supervisor told her she had the choice of submitting to a pat-down in a private room or not flying. Kates offered a third alternative, to take off her bra and try again, which the TSA accepted. So she went to the rest room, then through the security line a second time. Walking through the airport braless can be embarrassing for a large-chested woman, not to mention uncomfortable. The metal detector didn’t beep on the second time through, but then officials decided to go through Kates’ carry-on luggage, she said. The whole undertaking took 40 minutes, Kates said, and caused her to miss her flight. JetBlue put her on another one, but she was four hours late getting to Boston. TSA spokesman Nico Melendez said that he wasn’t familiar with the incident. But he said in all circumstances, “we have to resolve an alarm.” Some pundit’s say what’s really alarming is that there are close to 20 million illegal aliens in the U.S. that go un-tracked, un-patted down and whose status is unresolved.

“In April of this year Bear Stearns’ estimated that there are 20 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. and while that’s bad enough in itself, some of these people are known to be Hezbollah operatives who paid Mexican smugglers to get them into the country,” said Capricorn Five-Comando, a short Israeli-Palestinian New Yorker, who lives in constant conflict with himself. “Legal Mexicans are establishing systems so that they can be tracked and TSA is busting big busted women out of fear that their boobs are about to blow. Meanwhile American borders are porous and for a couple thousand dollars you can buy a fake passport and ID and get smuggled into the U.S. so you can build your base of operations, and prepare to spring out and attack all at once. This shit is what people ought to be paying attention to. Once you understand that Iran created and finances Hezbollah and they want to bring the US and Israel down, you get a better understanding of what we’re up against. What I need is a big busted TSA woman to take my mind off all this. I wonder how I can track one down?”

In other news, KASW-CW6 Phoenix reported last week that David Hayes’ caught a record breaking channel catfish using his granddaughters 2 1/2 feet long Barbie Doll rod-and-reel. Hayes landed the record-breaking fish, which weighed 21 pounds, 1 ounce, on Aug. 5 from a private pond in Wilkes County, North Carolina, while fishing with his granddaughter Alyssa, 3. Hayes says he’s been getting a lot of ribbing from folks who kid him about a grown man fishing with a hot pink Barbie Doll rod and reel. No word on how he tracked the fish or how he feels about TSA’s approach to big busted women.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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