Remind us not to get in a fight with E-Trade: The company is responding to a defamation suit from Lindsay Lohan with a hundred-page document "detailing Lohan's drug abuse, brawls and DWI busts," just to prove she lives in California.

Do you remember in February, when Lindsay Lohan decided to sue E-Trade? You see, there was a character in the E-Trade Super Bowl ad named "Lindsay," who was a "milkaholic." The character was also a talking baby. Well, that whole thing is still happening, for some reason, and now E-Trade has put together a veritable Bible of Lohan Scandal and filed it, in court (as the Post puts it, with characteristic subtlety, "E-TRADE BABY POOPS ALL OVER HER"):

Lawyers for the financial firm filed hundreds of pages detailing Lohan's drug abuse, brawls and DWI busts — including reams of profanity-laced Internet comments from detractors — all under the guise of proving she lives in Hollywood and not Long Island, where the case was filed...

The huge file of clippings is being used to advance the argument that Lohan is a Californian.

I used to live in Los Angeles, and let me tell you: It takes more than drug abuse and a DWI bust to make someone a Californian. You also need a tan!

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The thing is, E-Trade doesn't really care about proving that she lives in California, which is why they just paid their lawyers to read gossip blogs for a month. The company wants to hold the trial in Manhattan, sure, but mostly they are just trying scare Lindsay off by showing her how easy it is to find dirt on her. And their method of doing so is: Compiling hundreds of mean Internet comments.

"Why does anyone want to know what this train wreck is doing?" another adds. "She is the classic child star. A little success (parents pushed her into the business) at a young age and then she thinks she's the poo."

Yes, that's the word "poo," in a legal filing. If there is a takeaway from this, besides "Delete the Internet, forever," it's that in a war between America's most irritating cultural phenomena—the E-Trade babies and Lindsay Lohan—we all lose.