Tag: starting over

For 114 days in a row, I meditated. At least a little every day. I use this app called Insight Timer (yes, I know there are a lot of options, but I like this one so I’ve stuck to it). I spend a little time every day reflecting. I vary between music, guided meditations, and straight up silence.

My previous record before this one was around 60. I over doubled it.

Then, on chaotic day, I forgot.

Okay, you’re reading this so I might as well be honest with you. I forgot about a week before that. But I remember that I forgot before my timer had realized I missed a day. I inserted a one minute meditation, justifying that I had actually been to yoga that day and we laid down in savasana, so I wasn’t explicitly untrue, even if it wasn’t true true. I didn’t want to lose my streak.

Then, just recently, it happened again. I remembered throughout the day I needed to take pause to keep my streak up, but I just forgot. I didn’t take it when I thought about it and the day got away from me too quickly.

I remembered very early the next morning. Technically, I could have meditated and probably been within the range to keep my streak up. But I remembered how I was already feeling like a bit of a cheat because I skipped one day and just added it in later. And I didn’t want to keep that feeling of inauthenticity up. And for what? This was a challenge I was only having with myself.

The truth was (and is) that I was scared to start over. 114 days in a row is a lot of days. Every day I was setting a new record for myself. I was proud of myself. And, if I admitted that I failed, I’d have to bite the bullet and admit that I needed to start over.

And, man, starting over is way harder than simply keeping momentum. You have to be humble and resilient. And you have to believe in yourself even when you’re redoing some of the things you’ve already done before. It’s simpler when it comes to a little meditation app. But it’s not as simple when it comes to major changes in your life. But the principle is the same.

So I made the choice to not sneak in that meditation so I could keep my streak alive. I opted to simply let the streak go, admit it had gotten away from me, and start over.

It happens to be the very beginnings of the spring season, too. At least in Los Angeles, we’re starting to feel it become slightly warmer and less rainy (it’s been so rainy around here) than it has for a while. There’s a new little hope in the air. So I’m going to use that momentum and remind myself it’s okay to start over.

In fact, it’s as important to learn the skill of starting over as it is the skill of keeping the momentum going. So really, this is an opportunity I gave to myself. I get to go all Christian Bale’s “Batman” on this particular goal and say to myself “Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to get back up.”

October was an odd month for me. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of being really in touch with my gut and lots of waking up in cold anxiety-provoked sweats because something was off but I didn’t know what.

Maybe I sound dramatic. But that’s my style. So deal.

It really was an odd month. A bunch of strange things that kept making me feel more “off” than usual. For various reasons that I’m not going to get into here.

Needless to say, it was a bit of a wash of a month for me in terms of my positivity and productivity.

And I kinda just let myself wallow a little bit. And I don’t regret it. Because I didn’t want to push myself. As a woman who can easily push down her emotions and let good old denial take the reigns, I have to be careful to not just ignore how I’m feeling because it’s inconvenient and not productive.

I was tired and sad. So I let myself be tired and sad.

I was lucky that one of my bestest friends in the world and one of the most positive people I know happen to also be going through a weird month. I wasn’t lucky because I wished that on her by any means. But we both agreed it was kinda nice to have someone to wallow with. It made us both feel a little less alone.

But we decided November is the cut off. Once November starts, the name of the game is productivity, positivity, and proactivity. We’re going to distract ourselves into thinking we’re back on track. And maybe by doing so, we’ll actually get back on track.

I stayed in on Halloween and spent the whole time writing emails and making an ambitious schedule and setting clear goals for the rest of the year. And journaling. God I journaled the shit outta those emotions.

And I woke up November 1 excited and ready. I’m no longer going to wallow. I exorcised those demons on All Hallows Eve. It’s time to focus on me and focus on the things I love most- creativity and entertainment. I call this “going in” because I’m about to turn my focus into hyperdrive. I’m gonna be on a bleeping mission for the next several weeks. And I’m gonna accomplish a boat load.

I’m going into the cave of wonder and focus. If I’m not out by the holidays… just know I went down doing what I love.

I need everyone to stay calm. This could be a passing fancy. But I’ve may have a new gym boyfriend.

It’s nothing official yet. It’s just… last week I went a little later than I normally do. Though there were many people around, my gym boyfriend was nowhere to be seen. Probably already at his job saving lives. Because I imagine he’s in one of those life-saving professions.

So of course I just got in my zone and did my workout. I’m focusing on some new stuff, so I actually had to concentrate more than usual.

Then it happened.

I was doing squats on a squat rack and doing ab work on an incline bench in between my sets. And a guy came up and started using another squat rack near me. And my incline bench was kinda in his way. So I moved it so it would be more out of his way.

And a miracle.

He looked at me, smiled, and said “Thank you.”

So I smiled and looked down. The continued my workout.

The next day, he was in the weight room again. He was doing an exercise near me. We totally made eye contact. He had a glimmer of recognition in that fleeting moment of eye contact that made me realize he recognized me just like I recognized him.

Then! The next Saturday, I was at the gym again and this group of big dudes all hang together and gossip like school girls. And who hangs out with them? The same guy! And get this- he saw me again! We totally made legitimate eye contact.

Now… I don’t want to rush things. I know that relationships like this have to move slowly. And I know I’ve already made an intense emotional commitment to another man I’ve never spoken to at the gym.

But this guy actually makes eye contact with me. My other boyfriend never did that. He said something to me once. My other boyfriend never did that. He works out near me. I always had to creepily workout near my last boyfriend.

I’m not going to be hasty and just end things with my old gym boyfriend because some new guy spoke almost a full sentence to me. I’m not crazy.

Besides, the old gym has finally reopened and I’ll probably be headed back there in the mornings. So there’s a good chance I won’t see this new guy anyway. Plus he works out later in the day during a time I typically can’t get to. We have a lot of things working against us right now. I just don’t know if we’ll make it.