Trump Inauguration 2017: The Day America and I Got Reamed

When my colonoscopy got rescheduled to January 20th I had to laugh because how appropriate is it to get a colonoscopy on Trump’s Inauguration Day. Metaphorically speaking, you could not have asked for a more perfect aligning of the stars to bring these two events together, because when you think about it, both America and I got reamed that day.

I have always despised politics because it’s a dirty business run by people who generally do nothing to earn my respect or inspire much confidence. But in spite of that the country has generally been able to keep chugging along and operate well enough that I didn’t worry about it too much. I always kept informed on the issues and was politically aware and voted, but I’ve never had any desire or felt the need to be politically active, until now. The Trump administration has made it clear they will take away all the rights and protections that the LGBT community have gained under previous administrations, so I can no longer be silent and allow this to happen without making my voice heard and being part of the movement to stand up against hatred and discrimination. We in the LGBT community must stand together and make ourselves heard and fight against this attempt to marginalize and legislate us into obscurity. To do nothing is to condone the Trump Administration’s policies.

While the thought of Trump as our president is nauseating, I never imagined that I’d spend a good portion of Inauguration Day puking my guts out, which is exactly what I did. While I’d like to say it was because I’m sickened by the direction this country seems to be headed and by the fact that somehow Trump managed to get elected, the actual reason for the vomiting was related to my colonoscopy.

For anyone who has not had a colonoscopy, the day before the procedure you clean out your insides by drinking a gallon of bowel prep solution, which I began on Thursday afternoon, and is the most miserable part of getting a colonoscopy. Having to drink a gallon of viscus liquid is just plain disgusting, and having it shoot out the other end at high velocity isn’t much fun either. I’ve heard it compared to drinking cold snot, but having never drank cold snot I can neither confirm nor deny any similarity. And while the jug is one gallon it seemed like it was one of the “endless refill” deals because not matter how close I got to finishing it I could never seem to get that last bit to empty out the jug. After I’d been shooting clear liquid out of my rear end for about 45 minutes I finally said screw it and emptied the little that remained in the jug down the drain and called it good. And for the record, the doctor wrote in the report that my bowel prep was good.

I left at 7:30 to head to the Surgery Center, and I had no option but to take a taxi to get there, which I was not thrilled about but figured it would be okay. I was wrong. The taxi arrived but was driving around the apartment complex so I walked out to the parking lot to wave him down, and he backed up and nearly ran me over. I should have taken that as a sign of things to come, but sadly I didn’t listen to myself as usual. So off we go to the center, with the driver was zipping in and out between cars driving like a bat out of hell. I was tired and hungry and not feeling that great to begin with, so having to endure being tossed about in cab, along with the fact that it was about 90 degrees inside, left me feeling nauseated. I took off my sweater and asked him several times if he could turn down the heat, but I was still sweating bullets anyway. The ride there seemed to take forever and I could feel myself getting very nauseous and hoping and praying I don’t vomit all over the guy’s cab. We managed to safely arrive but I was drenched in sweat and my shirt was soaked, and I ran into the building to a find a bathroom and immediately puked into the toilet, but nothing came out since I hadn’t eaten or drank anything for several hours, so I was dry-heaving. Fun times.

Seeing “The Probe”

I got myself cleaned up and took a few minutes to rest before I checked in. After filling out all the paperwork I was taken to my room and changed into one of those lovely gowns where your butt sticks out no matter how often you pull the gown closed. And then I got into bed and the nurse covered me with a warm blanket while I waited, so I was feeling much better. I got bored and started taking a few selfies to entertain myself, and of course post on social media because I’m sure everyone wanted to hear all about my colonoscopy lol

The doctor came in and talked to me about the procedure and what to expect. It still sort of freaks me out when the doctors look so young, but I have to remind myself that it’s not that doctors are getting younger, it’s just me getting older. I was then wheeled into the procedure room and got to look at all the cool medical instruments and monitors, making sure to avoid thinking that one of those cool instruments would soon be snaking its way up my rectum. I chatted with a couple of other doctors and nurses while they got me ready to go and positioned at the right angle, and then they started the medication to put me under, and then it was show time!

The next thing I remember was hearing someone calling my name, and then opening my eyes. After I was more awake I was given some water to drink and crackers to eat, which tasted like the best meal I’d had in ages after having not eaten for nearly 48 hours. I was feeling pretty good and ready to leave so I could grab a burger or order a pizza when I got home, which I’d been thinking about non-stop for the past two days. But little did I know, that was not to be. When I stood up and started getting dressed I suddenly got nauseous and felt like throwing up, although it seemed to settle down a bit by the time I was ready to leave, but they gave me as little plastic vomit bag just in case.

I walked outside, although I have no memory of that, and got in the taxi and we began the trip home, and about five seconds into the trip I vomited all the water and crackers I’d just eaten. Thankfully I was able to catch it all in the little plastic bag so at least I wasn’t puking all over myself or the cab. But still, not much fun to be sitting in a cab wretching into a little plastic bag. This was not one of my more memorable moments, but at that point I really didn’t care.

I finally got home and crawled into bed feeling really, really bad. I tried to drink a little water but it came right back up, so I laid down and slept for a couple of hours. When I woke up I tried drinking some more water but once again it came right back up. By this point I was getting really concerned because I was feeling pretty weak because I was dehydrated and hadn’t eaten anything in over 48 hours. I called the doctor’s office and talked to a nurse about what was going on, and the nurse said he would contact the doctor and see if they could prescribe something to calm my stomach down. After an agonizingly long hour he finally called back, by which time I felt like I was half dead, I was told the doctor had called in a prescription for anti-nausea medicine. I was in no shape to drive, and even the thought of being in a vehicle made my stomach turn, but thankfully my roommate was home and was nice enough to go pick up the prescription for me. I took the medication and laid back down, and after an hour I felt better and had some water and crackers and was able to keep it down. I slowly drank more water and fixed some scrambled eggs, and then headed to bed. I was nervous about my meds that I normally take every night upsetting my stomach, and it gurgled and churned for a while but everything stayed down and I was able to get to sleep.

And thus ended one of the more miserable days of my life. While I had not been online to see anything about the inauguration I would soon get more than my fill of political news in the coming days, which, as it turned out, was to be equally as nauseating as the colonoscopy.