Search This Blog

Happy Chinese New Year - year of the dog

Valentine's day has just passed and it is already time for another celebration: Chinese New Year. It will be the year of the dog and my animal sign is the cow, which is the most hard working and the one who is most likely to put ideas into action, but also the most stubborn. When I go to the wrong direction, I am too stubborn to admit my mistake and turn around. I tend to finish the path, even though I know it is wrong, as I don't like unfinished business. I will endure it to the end. In some ways, it is positive, as even though there are hardships, I finish things cleanly, so that there are no regrets and no grudges. But I also tend to stay in bad situations too long, as sometimes, certain things just cannot be fixed, no matter how hard I try and how much effort I put in it. I am too naive and too kind to think that I could help mean people by being extra nice to them. Once they have a bad image of you, they will never change their minds. They are going to keep looking for evidence of bad behavior in you to confirm their beliefs instead of giving you a proper chance. In a way, I think it is similar to me trying to convince my parents to love me, even though they will never love me the way I want. Maybe, it is because they themselves didn't grow up in warm and loving families and even though they want to be a good parent, they just don't know how, as they never had a good example to learn that behavior from.

The past few months, I worried a lot about my grandma in China. She got a stroke and she was unconscious for a few days, fighting for her life. The doctor already told us to not have our hopes up and say our goodbyes, while we still could. I already went to see her in October last year because of her deteriorating health and it was going to be difficult to drop everything and go visit her again. I was afraid that that would have been the last time that I saw her. Although my mom and my grandma didn't have a great relationship, as she scolded and hit my mom a lot, when she was a child, and she viewed my mom as less than her sons due to traditional Chinese beliefs, I could tell that they do love each other.

During my past visits to China as a child, I frequently told my grandma that I hated my mom for not protecting me, when I needed her the most, and that she just gave me food and money and expected me to fend for myself, while I was being bullied to death at school and harassed by psychos, who stalked me during the day (things like pulling me into running cars, pushing me into the bushes and the dark shed near the middle school building, and following me around waiting for a quiet moment, when nobody is around), and stole my house keys to torture me at night too. Not one second in my childhood did I feel safe. It started from when I was four and it didn't end until I was 12 years old. In all those years, I screamed for help every day, even though I was a quiet and shy child, and not even once, did someone help me. Even though I tried to understand why, I don't know how I can ever forgive them. My grandma kept telling me that I should treat my mom nicely, as she endured a lot of hardships too, but I kept saying that I wouldn't do it. In October - the last time I saw her in person - , my grandma was suffering from dementia and sometimes, she even forgot who I was, but she did remember to keep telling me to take good care of my mom.

It was a long battle, but my grandma miraculously got a bit better. The past few days, she was able to eat solid foods again and she could speak a few words. I think it was all thanks to the family members who prayed for her health and often went to visit and talk to her. It has somehow made our big family (my mom has 6 siblings!) become a bit closer.

For the coming year, the predictions tell me that I should break the isolation and depend on others more, as this will be good for my professional development. Take advice from others, instead of only trying to do things my way. But I need to be aware of financial problems and take good care of personal belongings (I just broke a camera lens!). Regarding health, I need to watch out for muscle pain and nerve pain (I already had these problems from when I was little, but it is a bit better now).

As for my Chinese New Year wish, I hope that everyone in my family can have good health (especially, my grandma) and don't worry, be happy!