I have a Moleskine® agenda/diary/thingy that I like to use when I want to feel like I have my life entirely together and am a functioning member of society (so, let’s be generous and say, on average, once a month). However, my usage of said agenda/dairy/thing goes up about ten fold around finals period, mostly because I find that if I make a list about things I have to do, I feel incredibly productive (even when I don’t do anything on the list). I can’t be the only one who finds solace in list-making, right? I mean, I know Santa likes to make lists (‘n check ’em twice! #omgggxmas), Schindler had a list, and Forbes keeps making very agreeable college ranking lists.

On my Google-fueled prowl to find other people who made lists, I found this on answers.com. There is an 'improve' button, but I don't think it's necessary.

Anyway, in the spirit of procrastination that I think we’re all desperate for, I thought I’d share a couple of my past Molskine® to-do lists, and compare/contrast them with what I actually did that day.

12/3 Moleskine

HIST reading: Hass, Takeyh, Finish pckt 2

research!!!! also response paper(s?)

Clean fridge out 😦

conditioner?

*EMAIL Swoap re. Metabolism!!! <—!!!

hooks from container store

Phone case

12/3 Reality

Shower, put on cute outfit, get big bottle of cold water, and organize desk so that I can be as productive as I can be this afternoon!

Pick up history packet #2 and flip through all the readings I have not done. Pause at pages with pictures or diagrams to see if I can glean anything from the captions. I cannot. Also, Hass and Takeyh are pretty unfortunate last names. I wonder if they were ever teased as children…

Consider possible career in counseling for children who have been bullied

Check conditioner bottle and decide that I can definitely make it until break if I just shower every other day

Cross more things off list even though I haven’t done them

Facebook again. Nothing has happened. Just wanted to make sure.

OMG SOMEONE TWEETED AT ME! *favorite* *reply* *retweet* #goodday

Jot down notes re. my metabolism email in my to-do section for tomorrow. Why did I star that so many times? It’s not that important.

Container Store online shopping for half an hour. Spends $90, only $7 of which are on hooks

Online shop Forever21, make a killer cart for later

Online shop Apple store. Drool.

Online shop Amazon. Order book I will never read.

Online shop Victoria’s Secret. Immediately feel fat.

Put on workout clothes and vow to go to the gym

Go to dinner instead, but feel accomplished because workout outfit is cute, and guy from my Bio of Sports and Exercise said hi to me while I was wearing it. Plus leggings make butt cheeks not jiggle so much.

Shower. For the second time that day. Run out of conditioner.

Facebook again. Someone liked my comment. Eh.

Drop phone and put another ding in it’s case-less surface. Curse.

Watch some South Park on Netflix to ease the pain of a chipped phone, and to rewind after such a long day

Fall asleep and miss huge party I was super excited to go to. Fuck.

12/4 Moleskine

Haarts

Steve

bldng moving

ruby-farmers market? mez.

Clean fridge

METAB EMAIL!!!!!!!!

conditioner

laundry

12/4 Reality

Wake up at noon.

Try to figure out what the hell ‘Haarts’, ‘Steve’, ‘bldng moving’, and ‘ruby-farmers market? mez.’ means

Cannot figure out what I had initially intended, cross off list any way.

Facebook. Twitter. In the ‘Cac. Crammys. 9gag.com.

Crack open refrigerator door. Quickly close. Cross off list.

Text friends to see if I can use their fridge to keep my ginger ale cold. I can’t. I drink it any way.

Glance at notes for this metabolism email I keep making look important. Cannot remember why it is important, maybe I just got excited when I wrote it. The notes seem fine, and it’s Sunday so my Prof probably won’t check until tomorrow. I’ll send it tomorrow.

Maybe it’s just the Reindog Parade, or the way overpriced wreaths at Stop and Shop, but I’m going to jump on the Holiday spirit train with blackinthecac and post a couple of my favorite Christmas songs/traditions/food/movies/crafts from Martha Stuart Living.

The Killers is one of my favorite bands of all time ever. Right up there with No Doubt and Spoon (I have an… eclectic taste in music). This Christmas-inspired tune always puts me in the best mood… The kind of mood where I could imagine myself actually getting excited when the forecast calls for several feet of unforgiving snow.

Disclaimer: I just watched the video to this for the first time ever, and it kind of baffled me, but Brandon Flowers is such a god damn panty-dropper.

Next up is a little jam that comes from the awesome disco-regge band Boney M. If you’re not-so-much feeling the snow/if you’re from Jamaica, then you’re going to really dig this, mahn.

I thought I’d break up my list of Christmas music with an easy-to-do microwavable recipe for this Christmas Classic: Peppermint Bark!

Delicious

I feel like you’d have to be a total moron to not be able to figure out how to make this sweet treat, but it would be stupid on my part to assume that some people who go to ‘cac schools aren’t morons (I know there are plenty out there, myself included). So. Here’s a moron-proof recipe:

Get a dish (baking pan would be even better, but you could use a table for all I care) and line it with Wax Paper

Microwave a bag of white chocolate chips (take them out of the bag first) for like 45 seconds, stir, then repeat until they are totally melted

Put peppermint candy/candy canes/whatever candy you like in a bag and whack with your Bio textbook until crushed

Spread melted chocolate on wax paper

Sprinkle candy on top of said chocolate and let cool until hardened

Break into pieces once cooled

Eat your finals stress away!

If you want to be super fancy, you can mix up the kind of chocolate you melt, but that is for really talented and experienced microwave chefs only.

Our next song is a duet with Ingrid Michaelson and Sarah Bareillis, and if you’re a truly ‘cac-y girl, you’re already flipping out and in love with it (indie singer-songwriter, much?). Listen to this eargasm:

Jews, I’m realizing all of my holiday traditions are very Christmas-y (makes sense since that’s what I celebrate), and I’m sorry if you feel left out… here’s a little something something for you:

Unfortunately, I don’t really have any good internet-sharable traditions or Martha Stuart Living crafts (and as far as movies are concerned, there’s only one Christmas movie that matters and that is, of course, Christmas Vacation), so my intro was a little misleading, and I think I’ve run out of good outside-of-the-box songs. SO I will leave you with a classic, sung by Will Forte as Natalie Portman from the movie Black Swan and Jane Krakowski dressed as former Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver and Pennsylvania gubernatorial nominee Lynn Swann (they’re two black swans!):

Undoubtably, all of you who have and use Facebook (so… all of you?) are already well aware of the best “texts from ____” Tumblr ever made, Texts From Bennett. If you’re not, do yourself a favor, and check out the hilarity right now.

Absolute unintentional genius (click the image for even more). I would love to get Bennett's number to get some of these pieces of pure gold for myself.

What is truly amazing about this Tumblr is not only Bennett and his phenomenal spelling and keen worldly observations, but that his cousin, the guy who made the site in the first place, put out two huge internet phenomenons in one week. What is the other unbelievable mind-blowing thing he’s put out into the interweb, you may ask… And more importantly, could it really measure up to Texts From Bennett?

Judge for yourself. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the most incredible white rapper I’ve heard since Eminem. He flow is so damn fast it kicks Busta’s ass! It’s UN. FUCKING. REAL.

LET THE KID MADE PANCAKES.

Mac Lethal, everybody:

Without any flow of her own,
Pandora

p.s. remember to check out my twitter for more amusing and procrastination-friendly shtuff.

So I begin what I assume will be my wildly successful and critically acclaimed inthecac blogging career with what is, in my very professional opinion, pure internet gold.

Intrigued? Read on...

As if TLC hasn’t disgraced their original network name already (The Learning Channel? Really? Just off the top of my head… Toddlers and Tiaras, Freaky Eaters, Heliloggers, Little Chocolatiers, 17, 18, 19 Kids and Counting, and My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. What ever happened to the good old days of Trading Spaces? I digress…), the 21 second sneak peak of Virgin Diaries is the best thing to hit the internet since cats. A hefty statement, I know, but I’ll let you judge for yourself…

I… It’s just… They… I’m so sorry, dear readers, but I think that for the first time in almost 21 years I am totally speechless. Everything about this clip is entirely overwhelming. I guess I’ll have to just break it down in order to fully digest it. Bear with me, here.

It starts off cute enough… A little eskimo kiss, oh that’s nice. I mean, a little weird but who am I to judge, right? And then it hits you like ten million monarchs to the eyeball. The weirdest fucking butterfly kiss I have ever seen. Why are they doing it to each others’ eyeballs? Why are they doing it at all? If they’re saving their first kiss for marriage then aren’t they breaking the rules here with a butterfly kiss? What are they, racist against butterflies?

Next, TLC claims that they are waiting “for the one.” Ok, I’m going to call bullshit right here and now. You don’t buy a car without test driving it. You shouldn’t get married without at least attempting to see if you have any sexual chemistry… Think about what could happen if you don’t experiment a tiny (or a huge) bit before getting to the altar! Next thing you know, the priest is pronouncing you man and wife and you go in for a kiss and…

Oh, dear god. And with shows that feature Mormons and Baptists and the dangers of not knowing you’re pregnant along with the joys of having multiple multiples (as long as you’re married), I thought TLC was promoting abstinence.

Well, holy fuck in heaven was I wrong. This preview is, like, EXACTLY why celibacy doesn’t work. Can you imagine what that first blowjob is going to be like? She’s going to skin his wiener like a damn carrot! Even the father of the bride can’t control himself. These two look like starved infants trying to find a nipple in each others’ mouths… I think maybe the best part is right after their first kiss, when the dude is hugging her and you can see the expression on his face is just absolutely 100% pure agony. “Kissing is fucking awesome!” he thinks to himself, “All the wasted years of practicing on my pillow and inner-elbow nook in no way prepared me for this! I can’t wait to have sex for 12 or so seconds tonight! And then spend the rest of my life with this woman who seems to enjoy the taste of my uvula…”

A lot of people are trying to argue that this entire thing is set up, but come on! Do you have no heart? Look at this video… They’re just so beautiful together! You can’t fake a love like that… I think the amount of times I’ve vomited in my mouth just seeing this video is enough to do years of acid erosion, and I’ve seen the ads! I need Pronamel, like, yesterday.

Virgin Diaries, brought to you by Pronamel and Astroglide®

Also, I don’t know exactly what it is about this clip, but I want to go out and be very promiscuous right-freaking-now.

I’ll leave you all with a little (classic) taste of what the wedding night probably will shape in to… Maybe these people will someday get a job on The Office.

Forever kinky,

Pandora

p.s. Like my shit? check out more of dat shit at my blog (which hasn’t been updated in years I know please shut the fuck up) and my twitter. Mad hilarious, dog.