First off, let's just get this out of the way right now: this happened in Florida. Of course this happened in Florida. You guys should have that Bugs Bunny GIF ready on your desktops by now. In the future, stories about any fucked-up thing a human being does will just be assumed to be Floridian unless stated otherwise.

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Now that that's out of the way, here's what happened: A woman called police because she thought she saw Ronald Ayers, 36, masturbating while driving his Chevy Astro van south on I-95. When police pulled Ayers over, he told them, unbidden, that he had been tapping on his steering wheel with two drumsticks.

Police confirmed that Ayers did, in fact, have two drumsticks in his car, and the wood color of the drumsticks was a close match to Ayers' skin tone. Despite this, the woman who made the initial complaint insisted what she saw was Ayers' penis and not his drumsticks, and she's planning on pressing charges.

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Honestly, this story raises all kinds of questions. I'm not sure that drumming with a pair of drumsticks while driving is any more safe than jerking it while driving (though it is common enough to have its own specialized product) Also, is it possible this guy's junk is as long and slender as a drumstick? And what about the woman who reported him— the police report says she followed him until the cops pulled him over. That seems a bit overzealous, especially considering there was no mention of unsafe driving. How did she see him spanking it? The driver's seat in an Astro van is relatively high— was she in a monster truck?

Masturbating in your car is generally illegal (cars are considered public spaces), and while I don't really care what you do in a parked car, jerking it while driving certainly has the potential to distract you from the task of driving, if you're doing it worth a damn. Same probably goes for drumming, or obsessively looking out for driving onanists.