﻿Revenge ﻿of shinobi

(Circa 2001)

I don’t remember ever playing this game, but the music is done by the same guy who made the awesome tunes in Streets of Rage. And the initials of “Revenge of Shinobi” are the initials of “Streets of Rage” backwards. And once again it’s about a super-powerful crime syndicate that you have to stop. So I’m hoping ROS has other things in common with SOR, like not sucking. It also appears to be about ninjas, which is why I was confused to see Spiderman mentioned in the first screen of the game. The first thing I noticed while playing are the various types of people and dogs that explode when hit by a knife. The first part of the second level took me like, 8 lives to pass. Just to get to the second part, where I got attacked ninja nuns and Bruce Lee. Ninja Nuns are almost better than my idea about Teenage Mutant Ninja Jews, which I stole from some idiot named Travis. Except Bruce and the nuns spend most of their time calmly walking off cliffs, so they didn’t make very good enemies. At the end of the level, I have to defeat a shadowy ninja in a disco room, or as the manual says, “…proceed to the Bistro, where blinded by strobes, you romp with the Shadow Dancer!” Way more awesome than the way I said it. I’m pretty sure this level was specifically designed as a weapon against America, killing thousands of children with it’s hypno-disco-seizures. Ok, here’s the situation. You have to stare at this screen:

…only, in the game, it’s flashing violently. Then, while trying to stay conscious without vomiting, you face off against a boss who is usually invisible. Thank you, Japan. In the third level, I’m told to “Become a menace as a stowaway! Then find the computer and blow its brains out!” It sounds like Golden Axe’s dialogue-writing, five-year-old's chimp is making a comeback. The level is supposed to be an airport, which doesn’t explain why all the enemies are dressed like army men. Or why you have to defeat a computer. Or why the computer has what looks like a human brain running it. I thought the whole idea of artificial intelligence was to be smarter than humans. Of course, that doesn’t explain my grammar check, either. Level 4: Detroit. “The junk in this particular junkyard is deadly!” Shows what Japan thinks of famous American cities. At the end of the level you get to fight the “Master Attacker.” Once again, the manual offers some helpful words of wisdom about him: “Watch him – when he gets really mad, it does something to his blood pressure…” I don’t know what they’re talking about, though, ‘cause all that happens is he turns into the Incredible Hulk, then a robot, then he explodes.

“Hop up to the top of the Laser ‘Scraper an incredible experience!” I like the random apostrophe and the fact that I have to climb to the top of a giant device that scrapes lasers, but why is level 5 called “Area Code 818”? Doesn’t this city have a name? “Then you’ll move on to the freeway and a high-speed chase straight out of your worst nightmares!” I don’t remember any of my nightmares ever involving a high-speed chase, but I’ll take your word for it. Come to think of it, this level doesn’t even have a high-speed chase. The closest thing to it would be you walking on the freeway while innocent city-dwellers try to run you over. Actually, they probably aren’t so innocent, since it’s the same red car trying to hit you every time. Level 6 is Chinatown, where “from atop a speeding train, metal poles whizz at your head and bullets zing by your ears!” Then the manual goes on to describe your encounter with “Spider Man.” Okay, now I don’t even WANT to finish the level. At first I thought this was some kind of bad joke by Sega, but here I am at the end of the level facing Spiderman. The effing Spiderman! FRIENDLY, NEIGHBORHOOD… SPIDERMAN!!! The fact that Spidey has always been a crime-fighting good guy makes the whole thing that much more confusing. Then he turns into an effing DEMON! What in Christ’s holy name is going on here!?!

Level 7 is the worst level ever. I managed to get to this level with eight lives and three continues. I wasted them all trying to get past just the first part of this level. The fact that I haven’t liked this game since I started playing wasn’t helping any. And since this is supposed to be New York, maybe they could have added a Statue of Liberty or two in the background. When I got to the end of the level after starting the game over and found out you have to fight Godzilla, I almost threw my Sega across the room. This is the kind of thing that makes me wish the Sega CD would spontaneously set itself on fire. I may have to do this manually…

Level 8 is a big, confusing maze. And it’s just as stupid and effing pointless as the rest of this game. The final boss of the game (appropriately known as “the Boss”) not only tries to whip and stab you with his hair, which changes colors as you fight him, but he even sometimes completely detaches his hair and throws it like a boomerang. Ok, this game has had some effed up bosses like Spiderman, Godzilla, and… EFFING GODZILLA!!! But having a guy who throws his hairpiece at you as the leader of this horrifically insane clan is so retarded, it makes me want to sit in a corner and weep for hours.

RATING (OUT OF 10)

GRAPHICS: 6 They were ok, I guess. That doesn’t mean I hate this game any less.SOUND: 5 I’m very disappointed in the SORmusic guy for two reasons. One for having anything to do with this game, and two for making not great music for it.PLAY CONTROL: 4 You walk slow, you can’t run, and your double jump never works right.FUN: 1 I gaveSherlock Holmesa 4. WHAT THE EFF DOES THAT TELL YOU?

REVENGE OF SHINOBI RATING: 3

The ending isn’t worth it, there are no credits, and it didn’t get possessed. I effing hate this game! Plus, I always feel saddened whenever I witness something this uncool having to do with ninjas. Oh, and it’s about as fun as shoving my dong in a blender.

OVERALL RATING: 5

Personally, I would have chosen better, maybe even fun games to call classics. Like any Sonic the Hedgehog or Castlevania game made by Sega. Streets of Ragekicked some serious crime syndicate ass, though. And I don’t know why the Internet and my friend Sean like Golden Axeso much. What the hell is wrong with you people?

I think the only reason Sega made this game is because these games wouldn’t sell on they’re own. Now they’re “a bargain.” At least I really, really hope that’s the reason. My faith in humanity goes down every time I think that there could be so many people who like these games that they need to be called classics. If that isn’t a sign that mankind is headed for disaster, than I don’t know what is. The end is near.