Disclosing After Sex

Many issues have been asked about HIV and when to disclose
your status. I think when it comes to HIV this topic is one of the most difficult
to answer as it's different for every person. Also everyone has a different
situation so there's no pact answer that will fit every situation. I know when
I was diagnosed I was determined that no one would ever find out and when it
came to sex, I would choose to be celibate if that was the case. For myself
when I realized how difficult a life of celibacy, especially in my peak years
of my twenties, I knew I had to shift gears. So my new solution was that I told
myself I would have sex but that I simply wouldn't share my status, that
instead I would practice safe sex where there was no risk involved to my sexual
partner. It worked for a while as it was fun sex with no expectations of truly
getting to know each other, so no risk no foul.
I soon discovered It may seem to work especially for those one night
stand or booty calls but what do you do when you start to have feelings for someone
after the sex. And how do you disclose knowing you were intimate yet didn't
reveal your HIV status. I was confronted with this sticky situation when I
finally found love.

When I met my current partner we didn't take it serious. You
can say it was simply for sex and therefore it appeared that there was no
reason to divulge my status as it seemed that we had no emotional ties that
went beyond the bedroom. Then something unexpected happened. We started to feel
for each other. It was an uplifting moment in my life as I felt that finally
this felt like someone who I can build a life with. It was also unexpected as I
had these walls up to not let anyone in to hurt me. The walls came from previous
rejection where I did the right thing and disclosed only to have people run
away. So my non-disclosure was more for my benefit than it was for others. So I
was surprised that someone came along and found a crack in my wall.

When we entered the dating mode we made an unusual agreement
that I think helped solidified us even today. We agreed that we would get to know
each other during the next three months and during that time we would not have
sex. I think for most people this would be a deal breaker but for me it had two
advantages. The first was that I could get to know this person beyond the act of
sex and second I wouldn't be in a position where my status made a difference as
we weren't having sex.

The fear of losing a good thing was still there in this
getting to know each other moment as I couldn't find the words to tell him of
my situation. But I know that my heart was now invested in him and him in me.
What should have been a fairy tale romance had this single dark cloud that only
I could see hanging over us. I can tell you that the act of hiding your status
is some stressful shit. You find ways to explain the doctor visits or the not
feeling so good moments. You come up with creative ways to hide your medication
and you develop a prayer that they don't come across a stray pill or if you
were so bold, that they don't look in the medicine cabinet. You also start
missing evening dosages as it's hard to take your pills when you're out for the
evening with company. To do so mean placing them in your pocket for later and
hoping they don't accidentally fall out.

For someone outside they could elicit no sympathy for your
trials but if they knew the emotional journey one has to endure when disclosing
their status to anyone let alone a partner, they may understand somewhat. You actually do disclose but it's a private
conversation you have in your head as you play out the scene in your mind. You
see yourself doing the reveal as well as imagining their response. One scenario
it's a Disney moment where everyone is singing a song of relief and the next scenario
it's the worst case scene as they pack your bags and kick you to the curb.

My moment of final truth came when we decided to move in
together. All the secrets of my status now made it harder for me to keep
concealing my status. From my medication, to the reminder calls from the clinic
reminding me of my appointment to the mail bearing my clinic name, it was now
not a matter of if but when. The hard thing about disclosing is that it makes
you feel powerless as someone with the information has the power to either stay
with you or to call it quits. It makes it seems like the choice no longer
belongs to you. The very act of disclosing sometimes makes you hold your breath
waiting for someone else's reaction, response. A humbling moment when this
disease makes you feel less than.

Before telling I reviewed our relationship and was hopeful
as based on character traits he had I felt he would understand. I also had to
check myself and accept that he may be hurt I didn't trust him and accept my
role in that feeling. But no matter what I realize that once the information
was given I couldn't be responsible for how he react but could take ownership
over my own feeling. So rather than play the 'what if' game I laid it on the line
and decided to tell him my secret. It involved many factors such as the right
time, the right reasons and the right way. So basically I told him during a
quiet moment when we were attuned to each other and there was no hostility. And
delivering it to him in a clear non-dramatic way with no attitude or flippant
tone, as I knew I was doing it to get his support and hope that the love we
developed over the years would let him know that I had no itinerary but to be completely
honest with him and most importantly with myself.

"I have HIV" that was the beginning of my dialogue and from
there were endless questions of how long and when. From there a honest dialogue
started and then something weird happened. It made us closer as the last
remaining bricks of the wall came crashing down. I could finally be honest with
not just him but also myself. He was able to see beyond the disease and still
see the person he fell in love with. I was not a three letter acronym but
Aundaray. I was also encourage as practicing safe sex he remained negative and
it's a testimony that practicing safe sex a person with HIV can be in a
relationship with someone negative, something he remains to this day thirteen
years later.

I know there are others in my shoes and like me can't find
the words. For someone who may not understand it's not a case of having your
cake and eating it to. It's a case of feeling someone will not accept you fully
for who you are. Yet sometimes that thing call love shoots an arrow and you
find yourself in unfamiliar territory with no map on how to navigate it,
learning as you go. In that lost moment it's comforting to find that someone
that says no matter what the journey is I'm there with you. A true power and
benefit of knowing there's love after disclosure.

Comments on Aundaray Guess's blog entry "Disclosing After Sex"

It was a pleasure reading your blog. This is a situation that bears a lot of emotional turmoil and one I'm so very greatfull to have learned an emotionally effective way of maneuvering through with minimal emotional consequences. I try to the best of my ability not to make myself a prisoner of my own and that's what that struggle, based on FEAR, creates. I am so grateful of how wrong I was with my perception of this disease over 20 years ago, thinking it was a death sentence. Now that I know it has caused me to take better care of myself and as a result live a healthy and productive life and support others through their journey of recovering who live with the same thing. I don't have a problem disclosing who I am and all that I live with. If you love me for all of me then I know it's true love. If you don't then I pray for you because I now realize that it's your loss. So I embrace all of me and love all of me today.. I know God Does, so why shouldn't I

Hey. THANK YOU so much for writing about this. I have been thinking a lot about this topic. I was diagnossed one year ago. And I think I am in the wall-phase. I protect my self and people who I have sex with so there is no any risk -I use condom even for oral. But of course, I have not had any long relationship. So, I always say it would be better to disclouse before sex, because I am afraid it happens to me what happened to you.
And I don't want to be in that stressful situation (I don't live in the States by the way, so there are not disclosure laws here).
But I think there is such a bad or poor sexual education and my biggest fear is to be rejected. I think I have to work on it. And it is proccess. But reading your post made me feel it is possible to find someone who love me no matter HIV. Anyway I know different things happen to people. But after reading this I feel hope. Again, Thank you, Aundaray.