We love our friends, that should really go without saying. We want to be there for them when they are going through hard times, but it’s not always so easy. Especially when the issue is sensitive and serious as sexual assault.

While there is no definite answer and certainly no ‘right’ way to react when someone opens up to you about being sexually assaulted, it’s easy to feel helpless as you watch your friend spiralling through such a major personal trauma.

The definition of consent, sexual assault and how it affects a person is subjective and varied. You can feel helpless as you watch your friend or loved one spiralling through personal trauma.

So what can you do to help support your friend going through one of the most difficult times of their life?

(Picture: Shutterstock)

Nat Akai’s story

Nat was 18 when she was in a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship with an older male, which later turned toxic.

While initially, the relationship was consensual she knew later that something didn’t feel right.

‘I dismissed these feelings, thinking that maybe I was overreacting.’

(Picture: Getty – Credit: MylesGoode)

‘Things happened, and continued to for a while; I was never really entirely comfortable with the situation, and a lot of my friends heeded me words of caution. He was so much older; what would he want with a young girl my age? To be honest, I didn’t enjoy the sex at all. He wasn’t emotionally or physically attractive to me. But I needed the comfort.’

After a while, Nat tried to put an end to the situation

‘I said to him point blank that I wasn’t in a good state and didn’t want him making sexual advances on me. He was quick to reassure me that he was merely there for me as a friend, and that “If I took advantage of you now, I would be a monster!” I believed him, fool that I was.’

‘He took us out for lunch, and we came back to his apartment with the understanding that I would be getting a lesson; I felt indebted to him somehow because he’d paid for lunch. He sat me down and started giving me a backrub. Suddenly on edge, I protested; his response was to “calm down”, that it was “just a backrub”. He started putting me in sexual positions. I protested again; I wasn’t sure what was happening. Was it just a backrub, like he said? Was I overreacting? He told me to take my shirt off. Still a back rub. Until it wasn’t.’

‘When I left I felt filthy. My body felt contaminated like it was no longer my own. I came home and took a shower, trying not to think about what had just happened. But I couldn’t not. Had I just experienced a sexual assault? But I didn’t struggle. Did it even count? Rationally, I knew. But emotionally, it was a different matter altogether.’

(Image: Shutterstock)

Why she spoke out

‘I realised that he didn’t even think of what he’d done as a damaging breach of trust and a violation of another person’s autonomy.’

‘It really hit me then, it wasn’t just about me. It was about the safety of multitudes of other vulnerable girls who had probably been subjected to the same situation. What if this had happened to a friend I knew? What if it had happened to my sister? It was about voicing their experiences as well as my own. I called the police shortly after that to file a report.’

‘Take care of yourself first. Don’t feel pressured to report it until you feel absolutely ready; once you’re feeling like you’re back on your feet again somewhat, you can come back and report it. It doesn’t matter if it takes weeks, or months, or years. You’re doing it for you.’

‘Something that I did that I found quite useful was creating a video recording of myself describing the event on camera, a couple of days after the incident. I wanted to relay the events as accurately and in as much detail as possible; having this video helps you reach out to friends without having to relive the trauma of explaining the situation again.’

‘I got one of my most trusted friends to review it, who confirmed for me that what I had experienced was indeed a sexual assault (sometimes it can be very hard to recognise it as assault when you are the victim).’

(Image: Getty)

What made the process easier?

‘I talked. To as many friends as I could, I reached out and talked. I’m really lucky to have a close group of friends who are very well educated and very intelligent, so I trust their judgement.’

‘Their insights and opinions really helped me to solidify my stance and to not blame myself. I avoided people who didn’t understand the nuances of matters like sexual assault, though, as I know that would have made matters worse. I also tried to take care of my mind and my body as best as I could.’

‘Gratitude and self-compassion exercises helped me to get out of my depressive rut. I took a lot of time, a lot more than I initially thought I would need (in my experience, this has always proven to be true in the case of emotional recovery).’

(Picture: Shutterstock)

What can friends support someone they love going through something similar?

Believe them.

‘Believe what they say, believe what they feel, believe believe believe. I cannot emphasise this enough.’

‘I think one of the biggest shaming factors of going through something like sexual assault is the innate fear of not being believed. Listen to them and tell them that their story is worth telling, that their experiences are valid. It’s so easy to convince yourself that you’re exaggerating things in your head, that you’re being unreasonable, that your experience is too subtle and unimportant to speak out about because you weren’t rugby tackled in a dark park by a rugged stranger.’

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‘Most of the time it doesn’t happen like that. Sexual assault feels and looks like real life. We have to combat the huge stigma and silence that is held around the topic of sexual abuse. And it’s hard. It’s really hard, because most often you’re your only witness.’

‘You’re the only one available to stand up for yourself against a perpetrator that is likely to deny your accusations, twist the blame around on you, blur the facts and denigrate your character. If you’re acting in your own self-interest rather than focusing on drawing out a specific response from your perpetrator (like an apology they may never give you, for example), none of their actions can affect you, because you understand that their actions are purely a reflection of themselves and nobody else.’

We live most of our lives alone. You are the only constant companion that you will have throughout your whole life; be there for yourself. Be patient. Be kind. Be compassionate.