Sunday, November 11

So here's where I'm at as of now. I am struggling here. I don't exactly know how to start explaining how this has all sort of steam rolled, escalating into a panic attack last night BUT I will do my best.

I guess let's start with what I feel started all of this.

Recently I was talking with an old friend and they told me it would be a waste of time and money to attend grad school since all I want to do is write novels. "Sweetie, you don't need a degree to write novels. Just do it. And..... you don't need to waste your time doing something pointless like that." Ouch man, very ouch. More was said, but let's leave it at that.

Also, I know I don't NEED a degree to write novels but I want to be the best writer I can be. I want to learn about nuances and how to make my writing grow. I want to surround myself with people who are studying the same thing I am and talk with them about a shared interest and a shared dream. Most of all. I want to learn. I love to learn. John Green, my favorite author said, "Study broadly and without fear." This is what I want to do. And hearing that I'd be wasting my time sucked. And who needs money anyway? Ramen is like 79 cents. It's cool.

My education has taken a turn in a weird direction recently and I haven't talked about it because well... I haven't wanted to discuss my life with anyone for a really long time because, as you can tell from this blog title, my life has been a hot mess as of late. But, screw it. My life is doing amazing things and I'll talk about it now. I'm afraid that if I don't start talking again, I'll lose myself and my speech. So here's what has been going down over here.

I'm currently pausing my English degree to become a certified dental assistant. I'm loving it and hoping to be done with that certification by May of next year. After that, I'm gonna work hard for six months and save up as much money as I can so I can start back at the U in January of 2014 to finish my English BA.

That is what is set in stone, I guess. I really thought my Grad School plan was set in stone too and I HATE that talking to one person has kind of gotten me worried and thinking I'm not good enough but... well... here we are. I want a master's in creative writing if for no other reason than to say I have one, that I know writing. That I'm one of the few who have their master's in the craft they love. I want to be in that elite club. But... I'm fearful now. The girl with the unbreakable confidence and will has been cracked open. Yikes.

This weekend was hard. My best friend was in town and we had a great weekend, but on Friday night I started feeling incredibly sick. I didn't eat most of Saturday and then like an IDIOT I took a pain pill thats main ingredient was caffeine which made my heart freak out and I almost passed out. On top of a slight caffeine over dose, I started freaking out. Friend struggles, relationship SHIT (sorry for the swear but let's be real... it's shit. And it sucks will to live out of your brain so. Bite me.), and then having former friends tell you you are throwing your life away... needless to say I've had a rough go of it lately.

All is well now on the panic attack front. I slept and I just spent my Sunday reading in my bath tub. (Also, I turned all the lights off and read by a candle. It was magic. Do it. It's better than medicine. I felt like Elizabeth Bennet.) I feel refreshed after sleeping and I'm starting to feel some hope creep back in to my brain. It's hard to keep it out of me; I'm a natural hoper, sadly.

Sorry for the depressive nature of this post but hey, they can't all be good weeks, right? And it's up from here, right?

Thursday, October 25

So hey. I started a blog back in January and I loved that blog. That blog served me well. But after a while, that blog didn't feel like me anymore. I reread a lot of my posts, and while I still like a lot of what I said, I feel completely different now. I've changed, I've grown. I'm happier now than I've been in a long time and I'm ready to begin anew.

The title of this blog comes from a very special book, one of my favorites actually. It's called The Book Thief and it's probably the most beautiful books I've ever read. I refer to it a lot so, get used to that if you plan on reading this much. ANYWAY, the quote is said by my favorite character, who is also the love of my life. Max Vandenburg. Oh my heart melts for him. I picture his as James Franco, with a bit of Joseph Fiennes circa Shakespeare in Love and also Jewish.

He is hiding in the basement of Liesel Meminger and one day, he asks her to report the weather to him. She says, "The sky is blue today, Max, and there is a big long cloud, and it's stretched out, like a rope. At the end of it, the sun is like a yellow hole..."

"On the wall, he painted a long, tightly knotted rope with a dripping yellow sun at the end of it, as if you could dive right into it. On the ropy cloud, he drew two figures- a thing girl and a withering Jew- and they were walking, arms balanced, toward the dripping sun. Beneath the picture, he wrote the following sentence."

***THE WALL-WRITTEN WORDS OF MAX VANDENBURG***

It was a Monday, and they walked on a tightrope to the sun.

....Mm, right? I've loved this since the first time I read the book years ago. I've never really understood why this line stuck out to me so much until I realized it conveys such a huge sense of hope.

Life is like a tightrope act. You try so hard to balance so much without losing it completely, and falling into the emptiness that is always beneath you. The glimmering sun of hope is always up ahead, just out of reach as you push forward on your rope. Whether you are walking hand in hand with a withering Jew, or navigating the rope yourself, you must keep pushing forward.

This is an attitude I want to retain throughout my life. I've had a mess of a life these past few months. It was as if I'd stopped and sat down on my tightrope, precariously perched on a fragile rope, waiting for the emptiness beneath me to swallow me whole. But then I realized, this is a waste of time.I am not this person. I love life. I love who I am. I am all I need to worry about. I. Am. Unbreakable.

This realization hit a few days ago. I mean fully hit. There were times when I talked like this, trying to convince myself I was ok, even though I never was. I needed more time to sit on my rope. But now I back full force, balancing gracefully and moving forward toward my sun. If you choose to be a person in my life, I'm happy to have you here. And if you've chosen to remove yourself from my life, or treat me like crap until I am forced to remove you, I am so sorry. It's been real knowing you, but I'm worth more. I hope you miss me. I'll have fun remembering you. Bless you.

I am so excited to be myself again and even MORE excited to be writing again! I cannot wait to share my life with you all again :) I've missed this. And don't think I haven't stalked all of your blogs this whole time. You're great. You're beautiful. I love you. I hope you come back for more words soon :)

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words

Confess to yourself in the deepest hour of the night whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. Dig deep into your heart, where the answer spreads its roots in your being, and ask yourself solemnly, 'Must I write?'

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over.

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.

-Ernest Hemingway

Study broadly and without fear.

-John Green

Writing is hard. Not as hard as not writing. Not writing is torturous, bloody, chaotic, and a gruesome winless battle. A writer who writes, knows peace, lives connected to truth. Not writing is ache, betrayal, death of the soul and imagination.