Raising Children

Added January 31, 2006

Some time back I was involved in a series of internet discussions on
raising children in
which Christian scripture was quoted to emphasize the importance of
using discipline and training to rigorously mold a child to a
particular mindset. The concern in the discussion was with the use and
application of Christian scripture in a way that did a disservice to
the scripture itself by putting it to uses that limited interpretation
or misapplied the scripture to inappropriate circumstances (something
that can and does happen on both Christian and
Muslim sides of a discussion). The discussion began with an outline of
a
belief that the relationship between children and the parents should be
modeled after the relationship between humans and God, with the parents
being
in the position of God and the children in the position of humans who
are
punished if they disobey God and rewarded if they are obedient to Him.
Schools, corporate institutions, even governments have been modeled
on a similar hierarchy – on a type of acquiescence or submission to the
mindset of institutional authority and many different systems of reward
and punishment to ensure compliance. With this context in mind it was
suggested
that children need to be trained through a process of reward and
punishment
into the proper behaviors and the proper mode of thinking.

My own
thoughts
on this subject are rooted in the descriptions Muslims have of the
Prophet and
his relationship to his household (his ahl al-bait [Ali, Fatima, Hasan,
and
Husayn] and descriptions of how the Imams taught and guided their
children)
although, in this discussion, the focus remained entirely on a
particular
(fairly stern) interpretation of Christian scripture (Muslim
equivalents of
such sterness also abound).

The quoted Biblical verse which touched off the discussion was:

"Train up a child in the way he
should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Proverbs
22:6)

It was quoted in the context of providing a firm and uncompromising
upbringing, one that would train children in all aspects of behavior
in order that children would be able to avoid the negative pitfalls of
modern Western
society. What follows are my comments gathered during and following the
resultant discussion on raising children.

Note: On internet
discussions
there is a tendency to conceptualize and crystallize a viewpoint into a
rigidity that is not at all mirrored by the reality and flexibility
required by day to day life and our own personalities and individual
circumstances. Turning a position into a rigid ideology can be
counterproductive, especially when people begin to attempt to transform
the world to fit into the straitjacket of their manufactured ideology.
It is also counterproductive in that scripture (revelation) itself, is
deeper and more comprehensive than any single meaning forced onto it.

In the course of the discussion I responded to the following
(paraphrased) points (which although they may represent a particular
Christian view, are certainly not representative of Christian views in
general - however, such discussions do provide an opening and an
opportunity to look into the issue of raising children in general and
the issue of scriptural interpretation in particular):

- Training a child must begin at a very early age and should direct and
cover every aspect of the child's behavior.
- Statistics show a rapid rise in serious crimes committed by young
children (sometimes very young children) - more children than ever
before are in detention centers and jails - violent crimes are even
being committed by children under 10 - these statistics are indicators
of behaviors in children that we have to sternly counteract.
- Children have to honor their father and mother - the commandment is
clear "Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother. Honor signifies
respect - respect signifies following and obeying.
- To our young children we are like gods. Their behavior towards us is
an indicator of the way they will one day behave toward the one true
God. If we insist on 100% compliance and do not allow things to slip
when they are young they will transfer that obedience when older to God.
- Punishing children, though not pleasant, is necessary for their
guidance. God and the Prophets set the example for us. The Bible is
full of instances when God had to enact a punishment against a people
(the people of Noah, the people of Egypt and many others).
- When Jesus said "Unless ye become like children, ye cannot enter the
kingdom of heaven" he was referring to the fact that we must become
obedient like children and innocent of our shame.
- Little children have an unbridled nature - they are born with the
instinct to be selfish and self-centered - Their natural urge is, "I
want it so I must get it... it's mine."
- Our aim is not to judge - we don't really judge children, we
recognize their nature and then teach them God's ways.

Note: The points to which I responded are >>italicized and indented in red text
below.

>>"Train up
a child in the way he should
go, and
when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6) Training a
child must begin at a very early age and should direct and cover every
aspect of the child's behavior.

But think carefully how it is you want him to go. - merciful,
kind, honorable, noble, intelligent, aware, conscious, loving....
Children have an endless curiosity, innocence, and an experiential
approach to understanding, grappling with, and attempting to comprehend
and gain some level of proficiency at interacting with the world around
them. They approach life with purity and clarity and with a remarkable
openeness in observing their surroundings. The mental world young
children occupy is an intense, busy one - their mental landscape is not
fixed but shifts and changes while they observe and interact and search
for meaning in the external world that is around them. They also have
extraordinarily pure intentions and give their whole heart into that
which they love or love doing.

Not too many adults have these kind of exceptional qualities - the
reason is that in imagining that we are "training" children, we often
train all these good qualities right out of them so that they reach
adulthood as
flat, uni-dimensional creatures - well trained but not necessarily for
worthwhile
things. When we "train" a child, we are trying to conform him to our
mental
outlook, to our view of the world. Each of us has a configuration in
personality,
outlook, understanding, knowledge that has been shaped and contoured by
numerous
internal and external factors and influences. Each of us has been
shaped
and delimited in numerous ways. When we train a child we try and
conform
the child according to our limited perception and knowledge - we try
and
conform the mental world of the child based on our own often dim
understandings. As adults we see the world through so many accumulated
filters that it is rare for us to see things as they truly are - to see
them with an unfiltered perception. When we look at circumstances,
incidences, events, interactions we interpret them and re-image them
(according to our preconceived opinions and ideologies) so that by the
time they enter our minds
they have been substantially altered by the layers of mental lenses
that
accompany our perceptions. Children are comparatively free of these
filters
- they have not yet been shaped, contoured and stamped by external
influences. Possibly that's why Jesus says: "Unless you turn around
and become like children,
you will never enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 8:3) He
meant something far deeper by these and other similar statements than
is
perhaps commonly interpreted.

Training a child is to leave intact all the wonderful
qualities in them and to attract them in the proper direction - so they
can use these extraordinary qualities for uplifted and profoundly good
aims and ends. More often than
not the good qualities are trained right out of the children and then
on
top of that all spiritual direction is removed so the children are
totally
defenseless against the world around them - one largely dominated by
institutions
and political structures which maintain focus on human beings as
resources
to be managed and used, whether economically or politically.
Surrounded,
shaped, and limited by the interacting systems dominating our times, it
becomes
more necessary than ever to create a haven. Rather than prepare
children
to fit into and strengthen the dominant structures, they should be
nourished
in a beneficient spiritual environment so that there is some hope, some
possibility that they will grow to have the knowledge and spiritual
"hima" to re-create the world in new forms. If we have children who are
encouraged to keep their
inborn qualities intact then we will perhaps have adults emerge who can
truly achieve much good and who are not confined by the limitations of
our
times.Note:We should also note that "Train up a
child...." is a proverb and not a commandment.

>>Statistics show a rapid
rise in serious crimes committed by young
children (sometimes very young children) - more children than ever
before are in detention centers and jails - violent crimes are even
being committed by kids under 10 - these statistics are indicators of
behavior in children that we have to sternly counteract....

Statistics provide numbers but not causes - they highlight the fact
that there are deeply disturbing trends manifesting in society but
don't expose underlying causes, at least not with any depth. If
anything these are indicators of gross missteps and failures within the
society that adults have created. Don't raise your kids by fearing the
worst in society, but by looking towards the best in all history.
See
how the Prophets were with their children. With what an admirable
combination
of freedom and responsibility Daoud (David) was raised. With what love
and
trust Yusuf (Joseph) was brought up and thus he and his father were
able
to weather all the hardship and separation they went through and in the
end still be forgiving to others and in possession of an expanded love
and
knowledge. For Muslims, the relationship between the Prophet and his
ahl-al-bait
(his close family) provides a beautiful example of how to raise
children.

>>Children have to honor their father and
mother - the commandment is
clear "Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother." Honor signifies
respect - respect signifies following and obeying....

The way to inspire someone to listen and follow is by example. This
commandment is a directive to the CHILD - not to the parents to force
their children to obey their every word. As children of our parents, we
have the obligation to honor our parents and to listen to them (so long
as what they command is not in direct opposition to what God commands)
and to treat them with
love, kindness, and compassion. When our children are at the age of
understanding
and comprehension, they too will be responsible for fulfilling this
commandment
- but it is addressed to the children, NOT to the parents. One
directive
to the parents is rather, "Do not provoke or exasperate your
children
(when raising them), or they will become discouraged and lose heart."
(Colossians 3)

>>To our young children we
are like gods. Their behavior towards us is an
indicator of the way they will one day behave toward the true God.
If we insist on 100% compliance and do not allow things to slip when
they are young they will transfer that obedience when older to God....

Yes, children when very young do have an exaggerated view of their
parent's status. And we should treat them as we would hope God will
treat us. With mercy, compassion, love, guidance, and direction.
Remember that the Christian prayer to God is "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive
those who trespass against us." (Luke 11:3) So we look towards
His
forgiveness and mercy. And we have no right to look towards his mercy
unless we show mercy to those who slip, make errors, and don't show
100% compliance. The necessary attitude is evident in the folowing
quote:

"Then he will say to those at his left hand; 'Depart from me....for
I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no
drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did
not
clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me." (Matthew 25:41)

These verses have many deep meanings but one meaning we can infer from
them is that it refers to those in this world whom we have the power to
affect and impact - and our children are those upon whom we can have
the
greatest impact. They are born to us hungry, a stranger, naked, and
many
times their bodies go through childhood illnesses, and they are our
prisoners
since they cannot look after themselves. Parents fulfill all these
needs
of children, but as they grow they also have a spiritual hunger that
needs to be fed with the healthiest food, a thirst for purity and truth
that must be quenched. They will initially be strangers in the world so
home must be
their haven where they can gather strength and where they are always
welcome
and at ease, they must be given tender care and useful intellectual and
spiritual remedies so the spiritual sicknesses of the world will not
weaken
them, and then they must be given freedom so that they will bring their
own unique approach and their own unique personality to bear upon the
condition
of the world. Their lives must never be a prison for prisons will
distort
and eventually kill the spirit.

>>Punishing children, though
not pleasant, is necessary for their
guidance. God and the Prophets set the example for us. The Bible is
full of instances when God had to enact a
punishment against a people (the people of Noah, the people of Egypt
and many others).

We have to make a distinction between discipline and punishment. The
law and the punishments for breaking the law have little to do with the
small mischiefs or misbehavior of little children. And it is unfair to
project God's prescriptions for serious crimes in a minaturized way
onto small children.

These were Divine punishments for a people who had gone so far astray
and had earned God's wrath to such an extent that they obstinately and
knowingly put themselves out of the ambit of God's mercy - they chose
His Wrath. They went past the point of no return. There is no
connection, no parallel, between the punishment of such peoples and the
raising of children. In fact, it is dangerous to create such parallels
as it causes us to see things from the perspective of retribution, and
wrath, rather than from the perspective of mercy. "Blessed are the
merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." (Matthew 5:7) The
dealing out of wrath is God's prerogative and the prerogative of His
Prophets
who had a comprehensive and Divinely granted perspective by which they
made true and correct judgments - not judgments from narrow
understanding or ego.
Unless we have true knowledge and a higher perspective than that of
this
world our wrath is of no benefit to anyone - least of all our children.
We
have to tread carefully when interpreting scripture and the actions of
Prophet's and of God. Too glib an understanding sometimes leads to
misunderstanding. We should not imagine that we have any more than a
shard of understanding from the myriad facets to be found in each and
every verse of the various scriptures.

>>When Jesus said "Unless ye
become like children, ye cannot enter the
kingdom of heaven" he was referring to the fact that we must become
obedient like children and innocent of our shame.

What he was talking about was purity of heart and purity of intention,
and humility, and the pure, undiluted human impulses as yet relatively
untainted by the filters of our own mental constructions which we
impose on revelation and on understanding the world. The scribes and
pharisees saw all revelation through their mental constructs, they were
blind to everything but the narrowest interpretation of their theology,
their self-interest (in the matter of their social status and their
religious authority) and the manner of interpretation that they had
constructed. They "trained" all others in this manner of viewing and
filtering the world. "You traverse sea and land to get a single
student (a convert), and when he becomes a proselyte, you make him
twice as much a child of hell as yourselves." (Matt: 23.15) Today
our institutions and
corporations and media train us to view and interact with the world and
with
each other in certain delimited ways. Jesus is issuing a warning to
those
who are "training" others that perhaps they have more to learn from the
child's
nature than they imagine.

Unlike the scribes and pharisees we have to reach deeper into scripture
to gain any real lasting benefit from it. Sometimes this necessitates a
throwing off of the many filters and blinders we wear. We need to
contemplate,
not superficially, but as deeply as our own being allows us to reach.
And
the deeper we reach the more the depths will open up to us. But to
partake
of that knowledge we need to do more than just stand upon the shore or
listen to someone else’s description of of it.

Jesus says that someone who hears the word but doesn't understand it
loses to the world whatever little of the word he has in his heart. One
who hears it and receives it but doesn't comprehend it with any depth
will
endure for a short time but there is no depth and so no permanent root
of
knowledge and wisdom can take hold in him. One who receives it but who
dilutes
that knowledge with his own prejudices and filters (thorns) will not
receive
the fruits of the word - the knowledge will not reach fruition and true
understanding. But the one who hears and contemplates and understands
with depth, will gain the true fruits of understanding which is
knowledge and wisdom exploded a hundredfold - a Divine harvest of
knowledge (see the parable of the sowers). What better analogy for the
hidden spiritual potential that lies in each
new generation but which an “institution” and "training" obsessed
society
often wastes away or diverts towards harmful or low purposes.

Note: "A sower went out to sow his seed: and as he
sowed, some fell by the way side; and it was trodden down, and the
fowls of the air devoured it. And some fell upon a rock; and as soon as
it was sprung
up, it withered away, because it lacked moisture. And some fell among
thorns;
and the thorns sprang up with it, and choked it. And other fell on good
ground,
and sprang up, and bare fruit a hundredfold."(Luke 8:4-8)

>>Little children have an
unbridled nature - they are born with the
instinct to be selfish and self-centered - Their natural urge is, "I
want it so I must get it... it's mine."

Children go through a stage of realizing their individuality, their
sense of “ I ”. They go through the process of discovering the
boundaries of the external world and their own selves. This is not
selfishness or self-centeredness. If they did not experience this stage
there would be no sense of self or at best a distorted one. Selfishness
comes later when we have knowledge and understanding of ourselves and
the world and in spite of knowing better, put
ourselves first at others expense, or deprive others so our ego may be
fed.

When children are born they are free of any teaching, any particular
view of reality, any prejudice, any coloring of thought, any bias of
opinion. God has placed within them certain potentials and capabilities
and traits and certain strengths and weaknesses, but they have
no acquired, human-filtered
knowledge. They are blank slates (as far as societally learned
teachings
are concerned) - unlettered - they are like clear calm water, receptive
to light and learning, whereas the mind immersed in the world is like
water in turmoil, it's surface darkened and opaque.

In Islam it is said that a soul can receive God's word only when it is
in a state of virginal purity, original simplicity, and not distracted,
entangled, or immersed in worldly matters – the analogy is Mary,
the pure, who was chosen to receive God's word (Jesus) in her womb. Our
souls must also be in such a state, or as close as possible to such a
state
to receive correct, undistorted (by the convolutions of our own mind)
teaching. The more our being is contoured and filtered with unrooted
opinions, preconceived notions not based on true understanding and
knowledge, the less we are able to be like those children, who are far
closer to that state of purity. This is why Christians are told to be "born anew", and Muslims to "die before you die" to return to
that pure state, that childlike state (not childish state) and then
advance from there. Children don't have all those distorting filters,
we do.

>>Our aim is not to judge -
we don't really judge children, we recognize their nature and then
teach them God's ways.

We teach them an interpretation of what we believe to be God's ways.
And we do judge them - when we say that children have such and such a
wrong nature, we have judged their very being, their very essence, as
something that needs to be punished or disciplined or trained out of
them.
Jesus says, about following him, about religion - he says that there
are two supreme commandments which contain all of the law and the
prophets.
Total love and consciousness (taqwa) of God - and love your neighbor as
yourself. These are the two underlying principles of all religion -
from
which all law and ethics emerge (Matthew 22:37). Both of these are
things
which must be experienced and struggled towards - academic, theoretical
knowledge
of them is not sufficient. We often have difficulty lifting ourselves
above
the minor and petty annoyances and trials of daily life, of our jobs,
of
raising children - how can we hope to achieve two goals such as these,
or
to teach them to those in our care? Those aspects of religion which
move
us in this direction, are of course good, if not essential. And of
course
children need direction and guidance, and in time must learn
self-discipline.
But we should be careful of the lens through which we view these
matters
- it is too easy to distort our outlook, and then what we call
following
the apostles or prophets (or whomever) may actually be a dis-service to
their teachings.

When we plant a flower in a garden we take care to ensure that the soil
is good, that it receives water and sunshine, that we weed the garden
and shelter it from what may harm the flowers. But even as we tend the
garden in this manner we trust the flower's own innate capacity to take
it to
full bloom, to disclose the potential that was contained in the kernel
of
the seed, and to become what it was capable of becoming. We do not try
to
change the nature
of the flower, but rather protect and nurture it and provide what it
needs
so it may attain the best possible fruition. So with children – so with
their education.

By contrast, this age's approach is not only to train but to alter the
basic nature of things – the ability to alter genetically, to recombine
and reshape is a modern analogy for a level of control and interference
practiced by modern institutional society that is unparalleled in
history
- to seek to shape humans to fit constructed institutional
/corporate/political/societal
moulds. Even education can get subverted to this end. It’s truly sad if
religious misinterpretations might cause us to transform even the
refuge of home and family into a miniature reward and punishment based
training
ground – turning the sanctity and beauty of "home" into a place where
children
have their own individual reality trained and engineered right out of
them.

A small advice

"My dear son, you are a part of my body and soul and
whenever
I look at you I feel as if I am looking at myself. If any calamity
happens
to you, I feel as if it has befallen me.... My dear son, so far as your
behaviour
with other human beings is concerned, let (the best aspects) of your
'self'
act as scales to judge its goodness or harm....

Whatever you like for yourself, like for others, and
whatever you dislike being done to you, spare others from such actions.
Do not oppress and tyrannize any person because you surely would not
like to be oppressed
and treated unjustly. Be kind and sympathetic to others as you
certainly
are thankful if others treat you kindly and compasionately. If you find
objectionable
and loathsome habits in others, abstain from developing those traits of
character
in yourself. If you are satisfied or feel blessed upon receiving a
certain
kind of behaviour from others, behave with others in the same
beneficial
manner....

....Lead a balanced life
and....
whenever you receive guidance from your Rabb (Lord) to achieve a
blessing
you desire, then do not be proud of your achievement but be humble and
thankful
to Him and realize that your success was due to His abundant Mercy...."

(excerpt from Imam Ali's advice to his son - Nahj
al-Balagha)

Dua for children

"My God (as for my children),
make long their lives for me,
increase their terms,
bring up the smallest for me,
strengthen the weakest for me,
rectify for me
their bodies,
their religious dedication,
and their moral traits,
make them well in
their souls,
their limbs,
and everything that
concerns me of their affair,
and pour out for me
and upon my hand
their provisions!
Make them
aware, fearing, insightful, hearing, and obedient
toward Thee,
loving and well-disposed
toward Thy friends....
O God,
Help me in their upbringing,
their education,
and my devotion toward them...."