Things I Learned From My Breakup in my 30’s

Heart breaks are hard. They are harder when you are in your thirties; for this is a time when many want to settle down. If you have a partner, you are most likely looking at that person with rose-tinted glasses, overlooking the red flags and just hope to settle down with them. So when they pull the rug under you and tell you it’s over; you world will tilt form its axis. You will consider the time factor- i.e. the time you have put in the relationship and the age factor-worrying that it might take you longer to find someone new or may never find them for many people are already settled in this age group. Finding a single person in this age bracket is always like stumbling upon a needle in the haystack. That is why heartbreaks at this age are unfathomable. One may also do a lot to try to avoid it- compromising their dignity in the process. However, you cannot avoid the inevitable. So once I was heartbroken when I was thirty two years old, this is what I learned;

1. Don’t fight to hold on

I remember when my partner told me that it was over- the first thing that I did was try to do everything I can to save the relationship. I wanted to do this despite the fact that we were not working at all; both of us were miserable and there was no growth happening for either of us. We were toxic. And the relationship had already run its course. Nevertheless, I was so scared of the unknown that I wanted to work on the known just so I could exist in the familiarity. So I stayed some more. Big mistake. Because at the end of the day, we broke up anyway, and the six months that I had put in as a result of holding on were wasted-while they could have been used to start my healing process. Let go immediately, you may find that you still need each other apart than when you are together. Don’t fight to hold on, instead, fight to let go and start healing yourself.

2.Get in touch with yourself

When two are people are in a relationship, their lives become so entwined that it is sometimes difficult to identify yourself independently from the relationship. You lose that sense of individuality as a result of becoming a pair. After a breakup- you might find you don’t have your own identity. I lost mine. So instead of rushing into another relationship or getting back into the dating pool, find yourself by getting in touch with the inner you. Identify who you are and what you want. Go after those things on your own. Form your own identity. Others may say learn to love yourself and I agree. This will help you formulate priorities and standards in your life. This will also help you get in the right relationship for the right reasons when you are ready or when you least expect it.

3. Don’t blame yourself

Most of the blame comes from the amount of time that we had put in a relationship. This is the time that we will never get back. I stayed with my partner for five years before he decided to go and marry someone else. I was angry with the wasted time that I had invested. Five years. However, I learned to appreciate the good that came out of the relationship but mostly I am grateful for the lessons. I don’t think another partner will hurt me the same way because I have learned. So focus on your future taking the lessons with you to be wiser in choosing partners. It wasn’t time wasted. It was time spent learning. Trust me; you will never make the same mistake again if you were attentive in what that relationship taught you.

4.Don’t hold grudges

Even though your heart is shattered, learn not to hold grudges. Free them from your heart and mind too. This may be hard depending on the circumstances; however, you have to try. For yourself. For me it was hard as I was cheated on. It took a long time to let the grudge go and forgive. In the process, I learned that forgiveness is for me, not them. They are no longer in my life, so I have to unburden myself of them. Grudges crush me the burden and I am the one suffering with weight of it. Forgiveness helped me to free myself of that weight. So let them go and forgive them. Keep yourself light and it will add more joy into your life. Don’t poison yourself with the weight of grudges- it will only enslave you instead of setting you free.

5.Get out there

After you have gone through everything, don’t shut yourself from the world. Loving someone is accepting the risk that they will hurt you somehow, someday. When you fall in love there is no guarantee that this is it. Sometimes it is and sometimes it’s not. However, it’s the journey that matters. When you put yourself out there despite the looming reality that the fall may break you, yet you take the leap- that shows bravery. So be brave and get out there again. Love with everything you have got- don’t hold back. And if ever your heart gets broken again, remember the lessons and take a moment to breathe then start again.

6.What if they come back?

Sometimes you will nurse the broken heart and manage to put the pieces back together with glue and some tapes. Allowing you to breathe and function again. Then the person who severed the heart in the first place comes back and asks again to be given the chance to hold the pieced heart in their arms. What will you do? Will you give them the chance or will you deny them? This is a hard one. For me he came back and grovel, but at that time I had already realized that I deserve more. I am more than what he made me believe I was. Besides, I had already had an adventure with him- I wanted a new one. Like they say; no one climbs Mount Everest twice. There are other mountains- why don’t you give them a chance. For me, I don’t go back to what broke me in the first place. However, this will also depend on the circumstances. Take a look at your situation and decide whether to bring them back in your life or not. But remember; if they didn’t know how to love you right the first time, chances are still slim that they may not get it right even on the second run.