How to find enduring happiness in your life.Is it possible to be happy and sad and the same time? This might sound like a trick question, but it really is not. The answer to the question lies in understanding that there are at least 2 ways to understand what happiness is.The first way of understanding happiness takes happiness to be the opposite of sad. Here we are talking about how you are feeling at the moment, and what your emotional state of the moment is.Having a great time with friends? Happy. Having a serious disagreement with your friends? Not so happy, perhaps even sad. Want to be happy? Just keep doing fun stuff.These states are situationally based and tend to be transitory, coming and going all the time. Even when your life is filled with these pleasant states there is likely to be a vague sense that something is still missing in your life. More about that later.Thinking about happiness as a transitory emotional state leads us to two preconditions for enduring happiness. The first is to let go of the idea that you should always be in a state of happiness. Understand that as things happen your mood will change.When things happen it is totally normal and part of human experience for us to feel sadness, pain, hurt or disappointment. Learning to accept those feeling and deal with them in constructive ways won’t bring happiness, but can help avoid excessive suffering, anxiety or depression.This understanding of how things are leads to the second precondition for enduring happiness — accepting that there are things you can’t change.Acceptance doesn’t mean you should be passive. It is simply an acknowledgment of how things are even if we don’t like them. Once you acknowledge the limits of your situation, you can begin to plan effective action to move yourself to a better place.While these preconditions of letting go of fixed ideas about happiness and accepting how things are don’t generate happiness, they help to prevent us from getting stuck in sadness and to navigate through and around the numerous bumps and pot holes we encounter on the road of life. But to do this we have to look at the second way of understanding happiness.In addition to looking at happiness as a transitory emotional state, we can also understand happiness as related to a more enduring sense of who you are, what you are and creating a life that you will find full, vibrant and meaningful. Happiness in this sense is simply the opposite of being unhappy. It is about knowing that you are living your life in a way that is consistent with what you value regardless of the circumstances.This is the missing ingredient we spoke of earlier. In this sense of happiness, you and everyone else have an infinite capacity for happiness. Cultivating that capacity is the key to what I call true happiness.So, here are 5 ways to cultivate the qualities which will put you on the path to a life of true happiness.

Be clear about what you value and what is important for your life. I am not speaking about goals such as owning your own home or being a multi-millionaire. Once you accomplish goals, you will feel a sense of accomplishment, but that is not a guarantee of happiness. The real issue is what kind of a person do you want to be? What values will you embody in your life? Think about what kind of person you want to be in various contexts such as spouse or partner, parent, sibling, worker, employer or citizen of your community. Look at other domains of your life considering, for example, how education, intimacy, recreation and physical health are important to you, and how you behave in relationship to each.

Once you understand the values and qualities that you want to embody, make a list of things you would have to do to behave consistently with those values. For example, if you want to be a loving spouse, what are the loving actions that you need to be doing consistently to really see yourself and be seen by others as a loving person?

Look for things to do that will be both consistent with your values and will provide you with a sense of pleasure, accomplishment, connection or meaning. Do enjoyable things that are in line with your values. Be wary of doing things just because others tell you it will be fun. Understand that there may be times when valuing consistent action may be difficult or unpleasant, such as when you support a friend through difficult times.

Cultivate those highly valued but sometimes challenging qualities you have identified as important, such as gratitude, responsibility, compassion, enthusiasm, humility, creativity and connection. Using meditation and imagery can be very helpful for this aspect of personal growth. For example, to cultivate gratitude, think about all you receive as a benefit for your body (air, food, clothing, shelter, care for your body) and for your spirit (companionship, support, love, guidance, education).

Use mindful awareness to detect when you are caught in a negative mood or a mind trap of negative thoughts. Pausing briefly, focus attention on your breath and body. Then, determine what you can do next to move in one of your valued directions or to cultivate a desired positive quality.

Those of us who struggle with low self-esteem tend to shun whatever activities might conceivably make us lose, drool or look ridiculous. This avoidance is not entirely conscious. We might not realize how seldom we feel safe.We might not say out loud: The less I do, the less I can do wrong. But this is our default response to invitations, obligations, opportunities and life itself.It keeps us sitting very still.Passivity spawns passivity. And we confuse our inactivity for inability.In our passivity, others see peace. Stillness can be holy. Stillness can heal. Passivity evokes serenity. And if we choose it for that reason, so it is.But where do those of us with low self-esteem draw the line between serene stillness and frozen-faced passivity?Low self-esteem turns life into hard labor. Just getting out of bed, getting dressed, and going outside takes courage, given the ferocity of our fears. Deeming our spontaneous, authentic selves unacceptable, we lock into performance mode around others, doing and saying whatever we hope will help us escape mockery or worse. Ironic as it sounds, passivity exhausts us — spawning more passivity.In a “Just Do It” society, we’re the ones who chant: “Don’t Do It.”We’re passive because we assume that we will lose all arguments, disputes and debates. We’re passive because we assume that we can only make things worse. Pondering the very prospect of a before-and-after, cause-and-effect arc, we retreat.Why even pretend to spar? Our white surrender flags are permanently raised. At the first whiff of conflict, we go slack and/or silent and/or say Okay okay okay with a sad or falsely cheery sigh — and/or we send our self-abasing minds a million miles away.That’s what we do when facing the everyday: the ordinary but unknown. When facing fun or even potential fun, we affix virtual chains to our own ankles and lock ourselves up in tiny, tight virtual cells because we’re so sure that we don’t belong wherever good things are occurring or might occur.We’re convinced that we could only ever have fun by mistake or theft — thus, if we were discovered having fun, we would be scolded, branded, thrown out on our ears. And even on the faint chance that a momentary pleasure could be ours to keep, we curl up into balls and close our eyes because we’re so afraid of spoiling that moment, so sure of losing it.Which, in our passivity, we’ve just done.When pleasure takes us by surprise, its sweetness lulls and lures and lofts and even animates us until — bang. I call this stealth-bliss overkill. Pleasure collides with our conviction that we do not merit it, must not feel it and will be punished if we do.The verve that follows that first spark of fun we quell, we quash in frozen fear. This leaves us looking listless. Distant. Dull, while in our hearts we invisibly wage all-out war against our own urges to laugh and love and sing.Start small. Just do it, even if this means just picking up a book, a brush, a fork. Just do something out of the ordinary once today. Twice tomorrow. Henceforth, even if you do it only twice a day, most every day, the things you’ll do will magnify — in number and breadth — exponentially.Easier said than done, you say. But that’s the point. The same delusion that makes us believe we’re not also makes us believe we can’t.

** If you or someone is struggling with self-esteem, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

Most people treat couples therapy as a measure of last resort: Your relationship is completely on the rocks, one or both of you is considering calling it quits. It’s like dialing 911.But as I’ve said before, that’s the worst time to start therapy–when you’re feeling hopeless, when one or both of you has little investment in the relationship. Seeking professional help sooner can make all the difference.So what is the best time?1) When you keep having the same conversations/arguments and getting nowhere.You keep restating your position; they keep restating theirs. It’s like a car stuck in the mud; no one’s budging.These can become a death spiral for your relationship. You might start to feel like there’s no point in talking anymore and turn away from each other for good. You’ll start nursing hurts and resentments. The distance will grow.2) When you’re too afraid to talk to your partner (maybe because you worry about hurting him/her, maybe because you’re not sure what it’ll mean for your relationship.)Stuffing your feelings isn’t good for your mental health, and it isn’t good for your ability to connect emotionally with your partner. It’s like erecting a barrier between you.A professional can create a safe space in which to explore the fears, help articulate the issues, provide a buffer, and process you and your partner’s feelings.3) When the anger in your relationship is getting out of control.That can mean verbal or physical aggression. If you feel abuse is occurring, it’s time to start therapy. This is especially true if the person being aggressive is not owning his or her behavior.Look for a therapist who has experience with domestic violence. You might chafe at that terminology, but if some part of you knows, deep down, that abuse is occurring, then you need a therapist who knows how to confront in an appropriate way.4) When the communication has effectively shut down.You retreat to one part of the house; your partner goes to another. Maybe there’s tension, or maybe you’ve just accepted the disconnection and it feels companionable.But if the emotional connection and the channels of communication have essentially been severed, couples therapy can help.5) When an attachment injury (such as infidelity) has significantly eroded your trust and faith in your partner’s caring.Emotionally-focused therapy (EFT) is a particularly good treatment option in cases like this. It’s all about how to create (or, in this case, recreate) a secure emotional bond between partners. The goal for therapy (as in life) is to have the kind of relationship where if you’re asked if you can rely on your partner, you can answer yes without hesitation.

** If you or someone you know is struggling in their relationship, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

From boosting happiness to making you less judgmental, here’s how head-over-heels transforms you.Love makes us all walk around like giant goof balls. We’re smiling for no reason. We’re asking people how their days are just so they’ll ask us back and we can sigh and say things have never been better. It makes us wake up in the morning and want to get out of bed and want to say hello to the brutal morning and want to be the greatest version of ourselves.But as great as it makes it, it also makes us crazy.It makes us pick up the phone and call someone 67 times on repeat until they answer and stop ignoring you (guilty), or say I’m sorry and I love you more times than you’d like. It makes us change our hair colors, how we occupy our free time and if anything, it changes our personalities.This isn’t something I’ve learned by observing the people around me — most of whom are engaged or married — or even observing myself, sometimes, when I find myself all googly-eyed over a guy that makes my heart rise and fall to the beat of an Avicii song, it’s become a fact. It’s also been the center of attention in a lot of recent studies.1. You’re A Combination Of Happy And AnxiousYou may ask how it’s possible to feel happy and anxious at the same time. But when it comes to being in love, really, any and all feelings at once is very possible. According to a study in Live Science, a person can feel happy when they’re in love, but they can also feel anxious. Isn’t that something?

2. You’re AddictedIf you’ve ever categorized love as an addiction you just can’t kick, according to WebMD, you may just be correct. It releases a feel-good chemical, similar to another other addiction that creeps into our lives.3. You’re Capable Of Taking More RisksNo matter if the person you love is two door down or two countries away, Medical Daily, says that that “addiction” we feel because of love makes us more driven to take risks in order to get to that person.4. You’re Over-The-Top OverprotectiveA recent study from Florida State University found that love can make a person overprotective of his or her partner.5. You Can’t FocusIf your mind begins to dance around in circles and even focusing on something ordinary makes you crazy, blame it on your love. Being in love interferes with your brain’s ability to stay on task, says a study from the University of Maryland.6. You’re ConfidentTo put it more simply: Love helps us to tackle life with more confidence instead of seeing things pessimistically straight away, says ScienceDaily.7. If You’re Neurotic, You Become StabilizedA recent study published in the Journal of Personality assessed how love has long lasting effects on personality and discovered that negative thinking can be unlearned. After studying people considered to be neurotic, depressed or anxious researchers discovered that they become more stable in a loving relationship.8. You Don’t JudgeWonder why your guy is so supportive of everything from your career choices to how you handle a disagreement with a friend? Brain scans show when someone is shown a photo of the person they adore, the part of the brain responsible for judgement, the frontal cortex, shuts down and they suspend all criticism or doubt.9. You’re SmarterYour brain on love is an intelligent one. Being head over heels triggers the brain’s dopamine center, which boosts cognitive and motor skills. In one study, subjects stared at a computer as names flashed across the screen quickly, and when the name of their significant other appeared, their ability to perform difficult tasks improved drastically.

As a Master of Social Work student, my first field placement was at an acute mental health inpatient facility on an adolescent unit. Each day I went to my placement, I saw an increasing number of rotating teenagers coming into the hospital due to suicidal ideation or a suicide attempt.My experience in the adolescent unit showed me just how much suicide affects the teen population. As a result, I have become an advocate for education on, and the prevention of, suicide.Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in America. For every person who dies by suicide, more than 30 others attempt it. While this is the case for the general population in the United States, suicide is the third leading cause of death for those 12-18 years old.Recently in the news, there have been many articles discussing suicide and reporting on the numerous college students who have died by it. These stories are bringing this epidemic to the forefront.Every suicide attempt and death affects countless other individuals. Family members, friends, coworkers, and others in the community all suffer the long-lasting consequences of suicidal behaviors.The problem stems from lack of education. Children and adolescents are unaware of the signs and symptoms; therefore, they are unable to distinguish between suicidal thoughts and other emotions. School-aged children do not know how to get help, which numbers to call, or where to go if they need assistance.Therefore, education on suicide and certain mental illnesses should be taught in a health course. We are allowed to teach information regarding alcoholic beverages, sexually transmitted diseases, and more to inform our children. Bringing awareness to suicide in an informational way will help people become more knowledgeable and aware of the signs, symptoms and resources available for help.Adolescents are impulsive and reactive. If students were taught safety and resources surrounding suicide they would at least know what to do if their depression, anxiety or stress overwhelms them to an “I can’t take it anymore” level. Schools need to incorporate suicide and mental health education in their health class curricula.This does not need to be a psychology class. It should include the mental illnesses of anxiety and depression and how to recognize suicidal ideation. Every student at one point in their school career will at least feel anxious, whether it be over a boy or girl, schoolwork, or being late to school.Depression and anxiety can become so overwhelming to some people that the only way they know how to get away from the feeling is to contemplate or attempt suicide. We need to teach our children that suicide is not the answer.For any student, parent or friend reading this and thinking they know someone who is suicidal, please call this number: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org to learn about suicide, the help you can receive, and a practical tool kit to help school staff manage the situation in the aftermath of suicide.Let’s start talking and making a toolkit of preventative measures for suicide awareness so we do not have to use the toolkit for any more aftermath management. What may be out of sight may not actually be out of mind.

** If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, if it is an emergency, contact 911. Then contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

A new study confirms what many skilled NLP Practitioners have known for a long, long time.Calling a child a negative name (regardless of your intention) increases the likelihood that he or she will become that very thing.For example, a new study conducted by psychologists at UCLA has shown that girls who are called fat by close relatives, friends, classmates or teachers before age 10 are more likely to become obese later in life.The study examined 2,379 girls living in Washington, D.C., Northern California and Cincinnati. 58 percent of those girls reported being told that they were too fat at or before age 10. Girls were weighed and had their height measured at the beginning of the study, and again nine years later. The study found that the girls who had been told they were fat were 1.66 times more likely to be obese at age 19.Additionally, the study also showed that the more people who told the girl she was fat, the more likely she was to become obese nine years later. The result was shocking, according to A. Janet Tomiyama, assistant professor of psychology at the UCLA College of Letters and Science.This effect persisted even when factors such as actual weight, income, race and age of puberty were removed. Being labeled as “fat” has a measurable effect on the girls’ weight later in life.According to the study’s co-author, Jeffrey Hunger, the negative association may have caused the girls to anticipate the effects of weight stigma. Then, they began to unconsciously exhibit behaviors that would lead them to experience those effects.The last sentence is of profound importance. Later in life, kids often become the negative messages that they receive.This phenomenon can work on two levels: physical and psychological. Obesity is an example of a physical manifestation. Psychological manifestations are more common. Criticisms like:You’re a loser.You can’t do anything right, can you?You’re so disobedient!You don’t get along with anyone.You never keep the rules.You are such a problem!You’re gonna fail, like always.You never listen.Why does it happen?It happens because children do not have the mental and emotional capacity to refute negative messages. Yet, they are more than mere sponges that soak up everything they are told. They are intelligent sponges that apply the knowledge they are given.Imagine the following: You are born not knowing much about who you are. Your job as a child is to learn who you are and act accordingly. As you grow and develop, you rely on your parents and caregivers to teach you who you are. In this realm, your faith is supreme.When you receive negative messages, you know they are true. When you are told that you are a loser, you believe it and act accordingly. When you’re told that you are a disobedient, impossible child, then you comply. The more you live up to your parents negative expectations, the more negative messages you receive that confirm how true those messages are. It’s a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle.Then comes the blessed resistance…Then, something fascinating happens. Many of my clients and I have observed that, often at a very surprisingly young age, we revolt against all the negativity. We are so hurt or resentful of all the negativity that we vow to fight it, to prove how untrue it is. We swear that we will make something of ourselves and prove our parents wrong, once and for all. We often dream of the day when a life of prosperity and inner peace will be ours.Thank goodness for this resistance. If we are strong enough in it, it can serve us well through our 20s and 30s. We’re driven toward a desired future that contradicts that past, and we often have significant successes that establish a solid platform for the rest of our lives.Along the way, however, we are plagued by self-criticism, self-doubt and anxiety. Those old messages are still operational in our psyche. In other words, we worked against them but did not let them go. At some level, we still believe and fear that it is all true. At some level, our childhood willingness to believe and comply with parental messages sticks to us like glue. And we have a very hard time controlling our thoughts.Amazingly, the thoughts are the same. A critical voice whispers:

You’re a loser.You can’t do it.You’re fooling yourself.Nobody loves you.If this reminds you of someone you know, there is also good news. With a little effort and a lot of self-awareness, you can reverse these painful tendencies.** If you or someone you know is struggling with negativity, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

Single and sick of it? Find out what you can do to change your behavior.If you are a single woman over 40, you have a love history. You’ve been in relationships before and you may want one now, but for whatever reason you haven’t found the right person yet.

Maybe you’re divorced and frustrated with dating or haven’t ventured back out to the dating pool. You could be a widow and unsure of ever finding another man like your husband. Perhaps you were in a live-in or long-term relationship that ended, so you’re single again.As a dating coach for women over 40, I know finding love the second time around (or even the first) is not easy. Still, people fall in love every day and many of my clients do find that loving man. So what’s the problem?This might seem harsh, but you are likely telling yourself several lies about love after 40 that are hurting you. These negative beliefs prevent you from connecting, or worse, stop you from even looking.Clients come to me with these limiting ideas about dating, love and men, and it’s my job to help them turn things around. Working with me, women transform the lies to create opportunities. And that’s how they manage to find love again!Here are some of the lies you may be telling yourself that are preventing you from finding love.

All the good men are taken. This is what I hear most frequently from clients. However, thinking about this statistically, there just has to be good single men available since half the adult population in the U.S. is single. Men get divorced for the same reason women do; they grew apart from their wives, their wives cheated or circumstances just changed. Some men had their heart broken earlier in life and are just recovering and ready now. There are lots of reasons why good men are single and looking for a woman like you. The fact is that now, more than any other time in history, there are a lot of people in their 40s, 50s and 60s who are single and looking for love. So don’t believe that there are no good men out there!

I already had my one shot at love. Widows often believe this, particularly if they had a wonderful relationship with their husbands. They come away thinking that they will never find such a good man again. However, this is exactly the reason why it is possible; if you found great love once, you can certainly do it again. You have the track record for success. Consider your circumstances differently and recognize that you are a magnet for love, since your energy is filled with loving thoughts from your past.

Looking for love is not worth the trouble. Dating is tough and you may reach a point when you feel that it is too exhausting and too much effort. But that feeling is just a symptom of your belief that you don’t think it’s possible to find love. On the other hand, if you really believe that you will find love, then you know every man you meet brings you one step closer to finding the right man for you. I dated 30 men in 15 months to find my adorable husband. Was I ever sad, disappointed or disgusted? Of course! But I would remind myself that I was on the path to find love and nothing was going to get in my way. So nothing did. It took dating 30 men, but it was completely worth every bad date and heartbreak along the way. Dating is a process. Be in it to win and find the love you deserve.

If the guy’s not a 10, I can’t be bothered. If you feel this way, you will surely be single for a long time! After 40, the chances of Mr. Right knocking on your door are zero. You are going to have to get off the couch and do your part to cross paths with lots of men. Dating is a numbers game so the more men you meet, the better your chances for finding the love you want. Will every man you meet be perfect? Of course not! Most of the men you meet will not be right. But you don’t need them to be because you only need one. In addition, no man is perfect (and neither are you). The perfect man does not exist; he is a myth and a fairytale. However, I guarantee there is a man who is the right one for you. Get over this idea of perfection or you will stay single.

He’s not as great as my girlfriends. I’m often surprised when a woman compares the men she dates to her girlfriends. Seriously? How could a man ever compare to your girlfriends? Men are not like women! They are dramatically different. We are not brought up the same, we have different innate skill sets and our brains are wired differently. We may be equals, but that does not make us the same. Expecting a man to be like your girlfriends means he is bound to fail. Most men will never be as thoughtful or have the same depth of understanding as your girlfriends. However, that doesn’t mean that men don’t have their own amazing contribution to make to your life. The right man expands and enhances your life in ways your girlfriends never will. My advice is to let go of this idea, because it will prevent you from finding the love you want.

Most men are liars, cheats and players. Women who have been burned by a man (or know people who have) tend to believe this, which I can understand. As your dating coach, I ask you to consider whether it can really be true that all men are like this. Mathematically, it is just not possible. There are definitely men who do not cheat, lie or refuse to settle down. Personally, I found a man who is not like that, and I have many clients who have also found a fabulous, moral guy. When you believe that all men are terrible, you will look for evidence that your viewpoint is correct. If you believe men are wonderful, you will see examples to support that. Start looking for examples of quality men and you will notice that they are all around you.

I never meet any interesting men. After 12 years of being a dating coach, one thing I know for sure about women who say this is that it’s not that they don’t meet interesting men — they don’t meet any men at all! These women usually aren’t active and don’t date much or interact with men. So it’s no surprise that don’t meet anyone interesting. I was like this myself, before I got serious about finding love. Another note about wanting someone “interesting”: I’ve noticed many women find nice men to be boring and bad boys to be interesting. Yes, a bad boy’s unpredictable and aloof personality does make him intriguing and you want to unravel the mystery. He becomes a challenge for you to win over. However, a bad boy won’t change his stripes for you and won’t be good relationship material. If you insist on dating bad boys, count on heartbreak and torturous love affairs that do not satisfy.

There aren’t any single men where I live. One of my clients, Sally, insisted that all of the men in her town were married. This is similar to the #1 lie that all the good men are taken but with a local spin. Granted, some areas do have more married than single people. But overall, 50% of adult Americans are not hitched, so they must live near you, too. Through coaching, Sally, who had lost her ability to notice men, was able to open her eyes to the ones around her and find one for herself.

Men today do not want a relationship. Let’s refer to Lie #6 about all men being liars, cheaters and players; obviously, generalizations don’t hold much water. While not all men want a long-term relationship, there are certainly some who do. If you want love, you need to do your part to meet plenty of men and screen them. Coach Amy Schoen says one way to know if a man is serious about finding love is the way he talks about his life and dating. For example, if the guy you meet mentions moving or how much he loves women, he’s probably not ready settle down. If he says he’s tired of dating, he might be more serious about finding love. There are definitely men out there who would be thrilled to fall in love with you, but you need to do your part.

I don’t have time to date. This is something women tell themselves constantly. Yes, I know you are busy. But you make time for what you decide is important. To find love, you’ll need to make it a priority. Carve time out of your calendar at least once a week to meet new people. If you cannot do that, you don’t really want to find love. When I was looking for my husband, I went out at least once a week to a singles’ group or dance. Plus, I met men through personal ads (online dating was not popular yet in 1998) and had at least one coffee date, if not more, every weekend. You need to create the space in your schedule to find the love you want. If you say you just don’t have it, I understand. But you also need to admit that love is not a priority for you. There is no shame in that because finding love takes effort and requires a strong desire to take the necessary steps.

I hope reviewing these lies opened your mind to new ways of looking at dating over 40. Once I found love, I dedicated my life to helping single women over 40 make that dream come true for them as well. Since I found love, and many of my clients have too, I know you can do it!

As technology advances, certain ‘pros’ and ‘cons’ continue to manifest. Among the pros: We can readily be in touch with friends and family; simple text messages yield instant communication.Among the cons: Scrolling through the Internet on your smartphone during a party may remove you from the moment.But what about confrontation? Not necessarily a crucial dialogue with another individual — confrontation with yourself. Do people hide behind their phones to avoid being completely alone? If alone, problems have to be addressed. Fears, vulnerability or emotional pain may surface.

According to one recent article, 56 percent of Americans own a smartphone and many feel very unsettled if their phone isn’t with them.“There’s now a name coined for the fear of being without your phone: nomophobia – that rush of anxiety and fear when you realize you are disconnected – out of the loop with friends, family, work and the world,” the article stated.Hmm. Sounds like this attachment to the cell phone is reaching new heights.A post on Gawker highlights comedian Louis C.K.’s appearance on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien,” where he openly discussed his views on the smartphone culture.He adamantly stressed the unfavorable emotional consequences that these phones have on adults. When moments are uncomfortable or painful or lonely and it’s too hard to sift through the rubble, people immediately cling to their phones for an escape, to evade the issues at hand.“And sometimes when things clear away, you’re not watching anything, you’re in your car, and you start going ‘Oh no, here it comes. That I’m alone,’” he said.He referred to the time he heard Bruce Springsteen’s “Jungleland,” in his car — a song of yearning, melancholy and suffering.“And I go, ‘oh, I’m getting sad, gotta get the phone and write hi to like 50 people’… then I said, ‘You know what, don’t. Just be sad.’ And I let it come, and I just started to cry (a lot). I cried so much. And it was beautiful. Sadness is poetic. You’re lucky to live in sad moments. And then I had happy feelings. Because when you let yourself feel sad, your body has antibodies, it has happiness that comes rushing in to meet the sadness. So I was grateful to feel sad, and then I was met with true, profound happiness. It was such a trip.”While he conveyed his thoughts humorously, there’s valuable insight within his sentiments. Perhaps individuals do utilize these devices to run away. As challenging as it is to immerse yourself in heartache, there’s also something brave, bold and wonderfully authentic and cathartic in doing so.As technological advancements flourish, we can become more mindful of their various effects. When faced with unpleasantries, are you gravitating toward the phone as a means to dodge confrontation?

Give salutations. Make the effort to open and close verbal and email interactions with a nice greeting or closure, rather than abruptly asking for something with neither a hello nor goodbye.

Be generous. Give and share whatever you can, whenever you can.

Be kind. Be the bigger person. Kindness is a choice.

Show compassion. Demonstrate self-compassion by cutting yourself some slack extend this same compassion to others. Let go of criticism.

Be patient. Breathe and breathe out. Patience is a virtue. There is great value staying in the present moment and not hurrying our minds or bodies onto the next task.

Demonstrate self-awareness. Consider how what you are saying will feel to them and how it will impact them. Notice the impact you have on others by paying attention to their facial expressions, tone and body language. Make adjustments accordingly.

Be truthful. The truth has different layers and sometimes the deepest layer is hurtful or inappropriate. Speak the truth from the deepest layer that is appropriate. Speak from a place of kindness.

Be reliable. Follow through with responsibilities and commitments with competency and effective communication.

Be forgiving. Each time somebody else makes a mistake it is an opportunity for you to extend kindness and compassion. Let go of resentments that keep you tethered to the past.

Apologize. We are human and nobody is perfect. When you make a mistake, make an amend or extend a sincere and timely apology.

Take responsibility. Drop the defensiveness and the excuses and accept responsibility for yourself, your actions and your behaviors.

Express love. Be open-minded and non-judgemental. Extend love to yourself and to others. Choose to be loving whenever possible—it is always possible.