I believe there is a page of terms for vomit in the Yuppie Handbook, from which my friends and I chose our preferred slang.posted by rhizome at 12:22 PM on September 9, 2018

vomit/cash/cum.....hmm.posted by Fizz at 12:33 PM on September 9, 2018

Would it be wrong to adjust the tags to match all the terms from the article? And now I'm afraid to search for those terms.posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 12:33 PM on September 9, 2018 [1 favorite]

I've never quite managed to incorporate vom into my regular vocabulary, but I dearly wish to. Next linguistic project after changing my normal response from "no problem" to "no worries" which I think is friendlier, and from "excuse me" to "pardon me" which I think sounds nicer.

Until I manage to replace puke with vom, I'm on team cash/puke, but I think I'd pretty much stick with "semen" if the subject were to come up in conversation. I'd feel weird saying "cum" anywhere but the internet or the bedroom.posted by Caduceus at 12:33 PM on September 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be. -- Wayne Campbellposted by The Pluto Gangsta at 12:34 PM on September 9, 2018 [14 favorites]

For me, Cash is the money in paper form (in metallic 'need for the laudromat' form, it's coins) and otherwise it's plastic . In fact, I buy a 'punch card' for my bus riding and when I hand it to the driver, I call it 'paying with plastic' and we both laugh.

Relatedly, the fact that you can say it's been cummed on but you can't say *it's been came on — even though the answer to did he cum? is he came and not *he cummed — what's the deal with that? I feel like there's a linguistics dissertation in there somewhere.posted by nebulawindphone at 1:07 PM on September 9, 2018 [9 favorites]

Relatedly, the fact that you can say it's been cummed on but you can't say *it's been came on — even though the answer to did he cum? is he came and not *he cummed — what's the deal with that? I feel like there's a linguistics dissertation in there somewhere.

The former is the past participle (one has cummed) whereas the latter is the past tense (one came).posted by Sys Rq at 1:10 PM on September 9, 2018 [5 favorites]

Would it be wrong to adjust the tags to match all the terms from the article? And now I'm afraid to search for those terms.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 12:33 PM on September 9

I can't bring myself to do it. I can't be the person who adds baby batter, ball barf, cock snot and erectoplasm to the tag listposted by not_the_water at 1:18 PM on September 9, 2018 [6 favorites]

"High-fructose porn syrup" is pretty fucking brilliant, but not at all practical for general usage, as it's pretty unwieldy.

Erectoplasm is similarly clever if still generally unusable despite being slightly sleeker by syllable count.

Which brings me to why I don't trust the author: he calls these "lingual atrocities" and somehow landed them in the same category as "ball barf" and "cock snot." So despite some measured respect for the questions he's asking, this is not a person whose judgments regarding linguistic fine points I particularly want to take at face value.posted by wildblueyonder at 1:32 PM on September 9, 2018 [4 favorites]

I feel very strongly about come/cum; I find the latter unnecessarily crude. HOWEVER, it does have a place in society, because we need it for inadvertent hilarity like this.posted by witchen at 1:36 PM on September 9, 2018 [5 favorites]

The thing that strikes me as I consider this question is that I can think of daily (maybe not daily, but frequent) life occurrences requiring one to have multiple terms for vomit and money, but the only reason I can think of for needing multiple terms for semen is if you're writing a letter to Penthouse Forum and you want to keep your language fresh and lively.posted by wabbittwax at 1:42 PM on September 9, 2018 [9 favorites]

> inadvertent hilarity like this.

oh it's like a water park!

I like "spacebucks" for money, "puke" for human vomit, "barf" for cat vomit, and "ejaculate" (in the noun sense, which is pronounced differently) for semen.posted by aubilenon at 1:44 PM on September 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

I am profoundly offended by the spelling of "cum." It's disgusting. I'm not at all opposed to the use of "come" as a verb for climax though. I guess I'm basically team BCJ although I never actually use the J word. I think I just avoid using any nouns for semen.posted by HotToddy at 2:14 PM on September 9, 2018 [8 favorites]

I think "jizz" is really useful for downplaying the complete/utter horror of finding it somewhere. I.e. "there's jizz all over this hotel comforter," rather than the more clinical "ejaculate," which seems closer to inviting your interlocutor to envision a person doing it.

By contrast, "jizz" stands on its own as a mysterious phenomenon, something that just happens!posted by witchen at 2:22 PM on September 9, 2018 [14 favorites]

Economics nerd alert: M1 for cashposted by carmicha at 2:27 PM on September 9, 2018

cash / money - throwup / hurl - semen / come

I mostly use "come" to mean "have an orgasm," so I'm not sure that counts. I've always found the word jizz disgusting. At school my peers referred to it as "ubley" because that was the yoghurt brand the school gave us on trips.

I agree that "cum" is bad and wrong and upsetting for ... no real logical reason.

Actually, although I don't say bread, I have used "dough" for money. Just not very often.posted by stillnocturnal at 2:28 PM on September 9, 2018

Poop seems to have found pretty universal acceptance as both noun and verb, but I think the slang terms in play here are also of a piece with the article’s thesis, e.g., take a dump, drop a deuce, drop the kids off at the pool, etc.

Slang for jail/prison is revealing as well. Personally, I like “clink.”posted by carmicha at 2:29 PM on September 9, 2018

I am generally uninterested in bodily fluid slang, although 'puke' is my default.

But I love slang for money, because you sound like a gangster from an indeterminate period.

"Got the kale?"
"Where's the moolah, kid?"
"Just trying to make some ducats."
"Getting that paper."posted by aspersioncast at 2:30 PM on September 9, 2018 [5 favorites]

Around here it's "Call up Ralph on the big white phone" for the double, er, whammy.posted by allium cepa at 2:42 PM on September 9, 2018 [3 favorites]

It's very situational… I wouldn't say 'cash' unless we're talking about actual bills, just 'money' or 'bucks'.
"Cum in my mouth" is correct but so is "is… is there semen on this?"
I'm much more likely to excuse myself for a gut upheaval by saying "Excuse me, I feel unusual".posted by a halcyon day at 2:46 PM on September 9, 2018 [3 favorites]

By contrast, "jizz" stands on its own as a mysterious phenomenon, something that just happens!

Spew, dosh, jizz. From which you can probably deduce that I'm a 19-to-55-year-old Canadian man who wears plaid flannel shirts, has seen Wayne's World but not Wayne's World 2, and has spent time in Australia.posted by sfenders at 2:58 PM on September 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

nebulawindphone: I feel like there's a linguistics dissertation in there somewhere.

As someone who has, ahem, vomited hundreds of times in the last several months (thanks, pregnancy!) I think vomit is still the most versatile and polite. I only ever say vomit or barf. Everything else is more...evocative... than what anybody wants to hear about.

Unless I am dealing with cat vomit, which my family somehow always calls blurp, so that's what it will always be.posted by just_ducky at 3:40 PM on September 9, 2018 [3 favorites]

Vomit, Money or Semen

Sure they're a cover band but I think their Spinning Wheel is better than the original.posted by condour75 at 3:42 PM on September 9, 2018 [8 favorites]

I've never been a fan of the word jizz, but I do find it unintentionally hilarious that it's a birding term meaning "general impression of size and shape". All of these birders going around talking about how they jizzed a bird makes it hard for me to keep a straight face. For the life of me, I don't know why it's not pronounced it 'giss', as I pronounce it if I have to say it.posted by mollweide at 3:50 PM on September 9, 2018 [6 favorites]

I am a big barf proponent mostly because I use the adjective a lot. So you'd say "I'm feeling barfy" or "that food made me barfy" which has that great ambiguity like nauseous/nauseated that people always get wrong. Puke and pukey is pretty good. I somehow never manage to use words for semen most of the time though my sister works for a Crime Lab and she had to fight with the manufacturers of the Ultra SpermFinder and so basically sperm has become a funny joke word with us such that I might use that (even though yes I know the difference). And cash, I guess?

Today I learned that MEL is a men's magazine by the Dollar Shave Club guys.posted by jessamyn at 6:31 PM on September 9, 2018 [4 favorites]

Vomit, Money or Semen

Television game show aficionados will recognize this as the original working title to “Win Lose or Draw”posted by dr_dank at 7:06 PM on September 9, 2018 [5 favorites]

You Can Tell A Lot About A Person Based on Their Slang for Vomit, Money or Semen

You Can Tell A Lot About A Person Based on Their Not Using The Oxford Comma

I managed to made it to adulthood without ever encountering the slang term jism. Shortly after I turned 18 I was working at a summer camp, and I can't remember exactly how the conversation played out, but I remember there was a lot of confusion on my part and hilarity for everyone else when I happened to mention my neighbours the Chisholms.posted by Secret Sparrow at 8:18 PM on September 9, 2018 [1 favorite]

"Just trying to make some ducats."

I would like to see “ducats” in wider use as slang for money. I was at the graduation ceremony of a local school a while back and learned that their school motto is Veritas Nos Ducat. A few years of actual Latin tell me that that means “Truth shall lead us,” but my gut tells me this means “let’s count our change.”posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:29 PM on September 9, 2018 [8 favorites]

I once referred to a particularly vomitous sickness I had once by saying "I'm venting drive plasma". I also use the phrase "happy-go-pukey", a la Tiny Toons.
My little sister in her still learning to talk phase used the phrase "I'm mont to pluke", and while I've never really used it out loud in context, it's still in my head.posted by Mister Moofoo at 8:46 PM on September 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

"Cum" suggests contemptible laziness or incompetence with the language; a man skilled enough to complete copulation like a proper farm animal but without polish in the art and delicacy of courtship.

I always thought come was the verb and cum was the noun..?

Like "did someone come in this risotto?" vs "this risotto tastes like cum"

Of course, in oral -- i mean verbal contexts, one uses the word jizz helps disambiguate in certain circumstances. jism is what my grandfather would have called it, had he spoken english.

Nut Butter is not something I would often utter but I sometimes read recipes where they call for "almond, cashew, or your favorite nut butter" and it makes me giggle.

Cash or paper for bills, "coin" for any currency, digital or otherwise. Bucks too if i want to sound old-timey : "that's why they pay me the big bucks! hyuk hyuk!

I stopped saying barf around the time I hit middleschool. puke is where I stand now. Although I think I may steal "I'm venting drive plasma" above. that's just frickin great!posted by some loser at 9:25 PM on September 9, 2018 [3 favorites]

Like "did someone come in this risotto?" vs "this risotto tastes like cum"

I don't know what's wrong with me but I literally laughed until I cried at this. Sometimes I love Metafilter too much.posted by HotToddy at 9:29 PM on September 9, 2018 [8 favorites]

Although I just made myself laugh pretty hard by imagining using Nut Butter for reals.. I could see myself, in the throes of passion, exclaiming "NUT BUTTER FORTHCOMING!!!!!"
edit: i am wearing a monocle in this imagining.. and maybe a stovepipe hat.posted by some loser at 9:31 PM on September 9, 2018 [9 favorites]

This article checks out. And I will judge harshly.posted by bongo_x at 9:35 PM on September 9, 2018

puke/jangle or dosh/cum (i like the spelling, it has distinciton)posted by PinkMoose at 9:41 PM on September 9, 2018

I think it must have been a Kids in the Hall sketch where someone says something like "I look at you and I think - 'to puke.'"

I think “simoleons” needs to be used more for money, I use the word “vomit” on a a daily basis (in the context of preventing and managing PONV), and I don’t discuss semen enough to really have a preferred term.posted by TedW at 4:45 AM on September 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

I could see myself, in the throes of passion, exclaiming "NUT BUTTER FORTHCOMING!!!!!"
edit: i am wearing a monocle in this imagining.. and maybe a stovepipe hat.

2 questions: How does the hat stay on, and how do I get this image out of my head?posted by TedW at 4:48 AM on September 10, 2018 [3 favorites]

Follow-up question: Should you have the monacle pop out at the moment of climax or is this just gratuitous?posted by dr_dank at 4:55 AM on September 10, 2018 [5 favorites]

You'd think, as a fanatical devotee of the joys of metaphor, that I'd love the rich canvas of clever colloquialisms for things, but honestly, way too much of it is that kind of sticky, dodgy-wodgy babytalk we use because we're so uptight about every damn thing, and it just makes me feel embarrassed for the kind of people who have to cloak everything in noo-noo-ka-ka-tee-tee-poo-poo tweeversions or in not-as-clever-as-they-seem brahisms.

I'm particularly involved of late, having taken up with a gentleman from a large family of all boys who is presently dating his first-ever man, and who doesn't understand why, when I'm in the kitchen cutting up vegetables and ask to be handed an ingredient, having a penis unexpectedly whapped against my thigh, announced by "I got a carrot for you...MAH DICK!" is less seductive than a risk that I will eventually get a detached retina from eye-rolling.

It's not his fault, of course, but the sea of ho-ho-AH-GOT-THE-PERFECT-ONE-FOR-YA side hustles for simple things just makes me feel like Sebastian Cabot adapting slowly to the horrors of sudden youth, and if a bit of complicated slang doesn't give my dick that little bit of extra shine when used in the heat of an all-fours moment, it's probably not much good in regular conversation, either. One wonders if there are, in fact, people for whom "Come on, baby—cram that pecker into my manpussy and pump me some boy batter" is electric with arousal, but "breed" and "seed" have become real things, so there's probably someone apt to everything.

Me—I spend my cash, vomit unless I'm being playfully casual, and come (but only with the vulgarian spelling when I'm texting a distant noted film critic friend who I always platonically sext when I'm feeling stressed out and frustrated), but I'm aware that most of the variations on the latter are abhorrent to me partly because they existed primarily in the lexicon of middle school bullies and partly because if you were young, gay, and full of youthful exuberance in the dark heart of the Reagan years, it was drilled into you like a sermon that come is bad, come is dirty, and come will kill you, and thirty years later, I'm still trying to shake off the existential horror of what that meant.posted by sonascope at 6:09 AM on September 10, 2018 [11 favorites]

I have now spent the majority of my post-teenage life in the UK, with a child who grew up English. So I have to say I've taken on some childish Britishisms because Mrs. Hobo also has an American dialect and we spend a lot of time talking to each other (we both work from home most days). At some point our kid started correcting us when we pronounced "tomato" with a long 'A' sound, and when we dropped the 'H' in "herb", so I occasionally get mocked when I'm among Yanks again.

So for me it's "sick" and "sick up" for vomit. I'll use all kinds of goofy slang for cash, but usually it's just "cash" unless I'm trying to get attention for being obscure. I don't really have any occasion to discuss semen out loud, and would probably describe it as "ejaculate" (noun form, so rhymes with "what" not "curate").

Incidentally I know the origins of the word "jazz" are hotly contested, but it's known that it was originally "jass" in many circles. My father once convinced me it was a corruption of "jism" because it was music played in brothels, but I never found any support for this.posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:59 PM on September 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

“Jism,” like “spunk,” was once primarily used to denote zeal. So there may be something to that even without the brothels.posted by Sys Rq at 3:06 PM on September 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

My Texan grandmother always said "urp" for throwing up so that became my family's word. Urp, urped, feeling urpy.posted by apricot at 4:14 PM on September 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

I went through pretty much all of them at one time or another, but as I've reached an age where I am not constantly throwing up, I've returned to "barf."posted by rhizome at 4:30 PM on September 10, 2018

I'm surprised you all don't use "throw up". It's what me and most people I know here use all the time. We even text it out fully even though vomit is much shorter to type. I know almost no one that uses "barf".posted by numaner at 4:35 PM on September 10, 2018

"Throw up" is just for if you're talking to your mom or someone.posted by rhizome at 5:01 PM on September 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

I dunno, now that I've been introduced to the term "unwell" as the slang for vomit, that's my new favorite. It's just so... ominous. The lack of specificity makes it sound so much worse. "I was ... unwell ... in the restroom" - Well, what the fuck are you now, and what the hell's in the toilet?

I will endeavor to apply the same approach to the other two.posted by mrgoat at 7:15 PM on September 10, 2018 [4 favorites]

2 questions: How does the hat stay on, and how do I get this image out of my head?

1. As with any skill, this requires practice
2. I believe back in the day we had something called a brain eraser that was passed around on the newsgroups for just such a purpose... last seen in... rec.something.something (i don't recall)

Follow-up question: Should you have the monacle pop out at the moment of climax or is this just gratuitous?

The monocle should pop out at the moment of climax for best results, yes. Only the most repressed among us would consider such a thing "gratuitous". It is necessary.posted by some loser at 9:49 PM on September 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

Jizz is a shortening of jism, FWIW. (And cum is a terrible word, even leaving aside the cum/come dichotomy) Jism is OK, but semen or in my more juvenile moments, spooge (and rarely, spunk) are the words I'm most likely to use in the rare intercourse in which it comes up.

I'll not assault your senses with the seemingly innumerable alliterative names for various emissions and body parts my brain has come up with in some of my more stoned moments. Why use one word when five all starting with the same phoneme will do?posted by wierdo at 4:11 AM on September 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

When and with whom am I talking about semen? I’m a 48-year-old guy who works in schools.

When is it to my advantage to say something cute about cash? If I’m out with friends and I say “should we pay with cabbage” there’s just going to be a WTF moment. I’ll just say “cash.”

At a certain point in your life the marginal value of slang is just too low. For example: our dogs and cats throw up enough that it’s fun to call out at them: “Don’t yak on the couch!” For some reason the word “tchotch” have become family slang. But even then it’s mostly “vomit.” Because life is short and words that work are more valuable than being cute.posted by argybarg at 7:53 AM on September 12, 2018

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