Saturday, May 29, 2010

tonight i came to the conclusion that there is a difference between drunk love and sober love (thank you alcohol for your help)

drunk love makes you all happy and giddy as if it's ok to love the person you love regardless if it's ok. drunk love also makes you smile from ear to ear and want to hug the object of your affection as if you're never going to see them again.

personally i love those kind of hugs...the never ending i love you hugs.

sober love on the other hand is complete opposite. sober love is controlled by your brain (for the most part) and it keeps quiet..it stays a secret on the tip of your tongue. sober love is definitely not as carefree as drunk love.

i have got to quit blogging while under the influence. i should have kept ALLLLL my mistakes in for a good laugh.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

soo i was on twitter earlier and someone i follow had tweeted about shopping for grad schools, which reminded me that i need to go back to working on my personal statement which i thought that i could rewrite and start with "i like art" and go from there, because it's the most obvious statement. that made me laugh to myself and i'll explain why.a couple of semesters ago i took a 18th century european art class which happened to be writing intensive. Our first paper was an analysis on Delacroix's painting The Death of Hector. For some reason it me for freaking ever to start it. then i realized i should start with the most obvious and work my way up (down? more specific?) so all i wrote was "Hector is dead". i just about died laughing...i can't explain why i thought it was so funny, but i did. SOO to make a long story short when i thought about starting my personal statement so simply i thought of my art history paper.my life is so sad lol.oh speaking of art history papers, i really want to read my rococo paper to someone...it's sooo unbelievably good!!! i would read it to my little brother, but it's about sex. i might be able to convince p to listen to it....it would take a lot of convincing lol.antyways, i felt so bad and unamerican, because i was watching obama's lastest speech about the oil spill in the gulf aaannnd i definitely fell asleep lol. oh wells.guess that's all for now.

Monday, May 24, 2010

it's so funny, because i don't think p realizes this, but after being friends for what 3 years (sprinkle in the whole b/gf business) i know him so super well....i have him down to a T. especially his behavior regarding us now. for instance i know for a fact (it's been scientifically proven) that if i don't contact him..no text, fb, email, whatever. for a somewhat long period of time (4-7 days) he will try and get a hold of me. it never fails. and i love it! for instance i hadn't talked/communicated with him since thurs and last night he sends me this awesome text. of course it was one of those messages that just increases the blackhole that is our emotional relationship but i don't give a fuck. it was nice. i was proud of myself, because even though he kinda sorta a smidgen spilled his guts/expressed his feelings, i was calm and collective. although i admit that while i was under the nitrus gas at the dentist today for some reason i wanted to call him and tell him that i still loved him sooo badly. that's the one backfire-ness about nitrus gas, since it gives me the feeling of being drunk, i get drunk thoughts. but thankfully sober/non nitrus sydney is smarter than drunk/nitrus sydney and refrained from calling him.

i love the summertime...idk what it is...i just love it.

found a couple more grad schools to look into..rhode island school of design (random i know) and corcoran college of art & design. we'll see.

sidenote: i have successfully completed my first week of what will soon be my summer drought...drought of not participating in extra curricular activities that is. i know i can make it..i've gone longer before. it just sucks. kinda makes me regret spending almost $90 on 3months worth of bc. oh well. maybe i need a little more celibacy in my life...lol.

this is in honor of p and his weird sense of humor/random youtube findings...lol.

miss phad part 1 of a root canal done todaydad turned on the ac (surprise!)still working on not killing my sisterstill need $miss p...gobs.the city comes on tomorrowi ate 90% of the 1/2 gallon tub of rocky road ice creamin a weeklast night made french toast on the george foreman grill, because our stove/oven is messed up and i couldn't find the electric skilletstupid quote: "someday someone is going to walk into your life and you're going to realize why it never worked out with anyone else" anonymousi love the history channel's serious "america" ..the story of us...or whatever it's called.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

i had started one earlier, but didn't feel like finishing it so i started a new one.

summer has officially hit the city of fountains (and it's companion in kansas) even though summer really doesn't start until june 20-whatever according to the stupid calendars, it really has come to kansas city. the nights are cool and the days are getting warmer. i love it. i love kansas city in the summer...i think a part of it is because i have great summer childhood memories. here's a picture of part of our backyard via me laying down on the couch under a living room window...it was so nice with the breeze blowing. i couldn't resist a nap

facebook reminded me that today is new boy's birthday. this morning i was doing some serious debating on whether or not i should wish him happy birthday. it's currently 9pm-ish and i have yet to do so. sure you could say i'm letting my pride get the best of me, BUT the only communication i have recieved from him since last tuesday, the last time we saw each other and once again he left without saying goodbye, was last saturday (graduation) when he sent me a half assed invitation to get drinks. this was his message: "ragtag?" that's not even a real question?! i politely declined since i was in kc, wished him congrats on graduating..no response. yes i would've most likely met up with him had i been in columbia (despite all the bitching and moaning i do) but i wasn't. fast forward to today...still no word from him. sooo i opted out of the birthday wishes. whatever.

speaking of p, 1. went out with bree and for the first time in who knows how long i got drunk without getting in my feelings. i was proud of myself. 2. it's funny the random things from the past you remember. for instance, idk what made me think of this, but earlier today i remembered the first time he had come down to visit me at school when we started dating. we were driving in his car back from a fuitless trip to sonic when we started going back and forth about if august is a summer month. i can't remember what his reasoning was, but it was so funny because we were both going on and on and he didn't believe that august is a part of summer...it was hilarious. i laughed to myself when i thought about it today..such a random insignificant memory. he wants to meet up when he's back in stl for a friend's wedding later in june. i don't think it's going to work, because i don't think my dad will let me take his car to columbia for the day. if he did i definitely wouldn't tell the truth. i'm torn, because i would want to spent more than a day with him since we haven't seen each other in over 2 years. but that's really not possible. and as a big believer in signs, i doubt it'll happen, because the other times we've tried to see each other since we broke up have always fallen through...serious sign. le sigh...idk. we'll see.

i really just need to get over this man...but it's not completely my fault. he starts shit by saying he misses me, and blah blah and how he misses his cuddle buddy. boys. i swear.

anyways. i must find a job. soon. this whole only volunteering plan is not working out. i'm so broke.

sidenote. not gonna lie, if i had my own car i'd seriously be planning a roadtrip to nyc. crazy i know. guess it's a good thing i don't have a car.

well guess that's all for now...i want to end on a good note..soo i'll share this little number (it's soo bad it's good!! i love a good laugh lol):

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

it is one giant clusterfuck. that's all it is. love never follows any rules. it is complicated and chaotic. and drive you crazy at times. sometimes it can cause you to question your rationality and sensibility. love also is really big on sneak attacks...pouncing on you when you least expect it. therefore you can never PLAN on love or schedule it...it always has its own agenda. love makes people do silly things.

wow does someone here have a flare for the dramatics. i really wish drunk blogging (drunk= wasted past the point of no return) is my all time low...it's not. on the brightside at least i didn't write that stuff on facebook...wowy wow wow that would've been sooo bad. oh well...at least my hangover wasn't that bad.on the homefront: got back home last night. angelica's graduation was really nice. might post up pictures from the party and commencement. might not we'll see. good to be home

Saturday, May 15, 2010

i am currently wasted beyond belief which is the only reason i'm writing this.

i love someone who at times has treated me like crap. he cheated 3 months into the relationship. he is interested in other women and it breaks my heart. i love this man. a man i cannot be with. lord knows if he wants to be with me. i can't stand to hear that's he's on a date or some girl broke his stupid heart or whatever bullshit. he'll never know what it's like to love someone he can't have or be with. i love him with every fiber of my being. there i admitted it. i don't care if he sees this or not. i have to get it off my chest. love is the dumbest thing i've ever heard of. and its so hard to type when you're extra wasted b.c there's 100 more mistakes

Thursday, May 13, 2010

i haven't been meaningfully (is that a word or did i make that up) real powerfully heart pitter pattering kissed...in a very long time. very long=2 years or so...i have been kissed..just not knee buckling. i never thought i would crave kissing like i crave food or candy...or a certain extracurricular activity that people do with other people when they're physically attracted to a person..if you catch my drift. i've craved all the aforementioned things...i guess i can now add kissing to the list. i love kissing...idk why maybe i'm weird, but kissing to me is so intimate. i miss it.even though i'm scared of getting hurt, i want to fall in love again...i love love.tis all.

just got in from an awesome awesome night out. good company=fun timeswalked home in a light storm...it was so nice.p and i had a nice conversation...even though i was a tad under the influence...i was glad he humored me and actually held a conversation and said things my heart wanted to hear even though my brain knows it's not good for my health. made the mistake of telling him i write about him on here...hoping he forgets.that's all...i love thunderstorms...and pizza sub from subway...and cherry slices.and i love nice conversations :)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

today was interesting..for the most part.pulled an all nighter to get my greek art take home final done. it was so shitty. i wrote my professor a note apologizing for it being so crappy. oh well. all that matters is that i am officially done with art history...FOREVER!! i'm done and i couldn't be happier! thank you lord.so about this whole new boy situation. it got really weird and awkward and somehow we stopped talking to each other (mostly on my part...and my pride in retaliation to him coming off as a douche) so i texted him saying sorry for things being awkward and how i get weird in situations and how i feel bad and blah blah. after me spilling my guts in a 2 page text when i am physically unable to express my feelings, what does this man respond with? "no worries, i didn't sense any weirdness, but i'm oblivious to such." WHAT?! WHAT?! what the hell kind of response is that?! especially to what i sent. omg i'm so done, lol. guys are so unbelievably confusing!! i give up lol.also, don't think i'm going to read p's blog anymore...got my feelings hurt major last night. although i will admit i was waiting for the slap in the face reality check...and let me tell you i definitely got it last night. oh well. lesson learned again...i've gotten over it.the city and the hills again tonight! mostly excited for the city, olivia gets her ass handed to her by joe zee (who i love love btw..he's awesome)sidenote: seinfeld is definitely one of my favorite tv shows of all time..it's soo funny! lol

Monday, May 10, 2010

today was such a funny day...and exactly why i need my own reality show. finished my 10page paper about 40 mins before it was due, turned it in about 15mins before the deadline. studied for my american art & culture final for a total 25 mins, fell asleep AND couldn't answer the bonus questions because they covered material learned last wednesday in class...same day as senior sendoff which i skipped class to go to. of course sydney. AND i got ready in 30 seconds and didn't grab a umbrella and had to walk thru campus in a torrential downpour. my light sperry's got so wet they look like the dark brown ones..so happy i've had them forever. oh well at least i have my healthand clearly i have my priorities straight because i've messing around on the intronet for the past hour knowing full and well and have 3 4page essays due tomorrow at 10:30am...not the original 1pm like i thought.oh wells.

currently watching atonement while i continue to avoid finishing my rococo paper.geez i love this movie...a girl i know summed it up perfectly by describing it as "sexy and tragic as hell" i totally agree. it's so umbelievably sad!!! but soo good at the same time. i'm such a sucker for love stories....but not cheesy ones. this one is fantastic even though cecelia and robbie are never reunited. first time i watched it balled me eyes out throughout the whole thing...read the book two summers ago and balled my eyes out. it's like everytime i watch ps i love you i always cry during the scene after the funeral when hilary swank calls gerard butler's cell phone over and over again. gets me every time.great, i've procrastinated for so long i'm getting tired. and i still haven't studied for my american art & culture final that's tomorrow..(today?)if my senioritis is this bad now, i can't even imagine what it'll be like next semester..oh well.and in other news, another girl i know i got engaged last weekend. i feel so behind! granted i've never been the timeline-i have to get married by this age-blah blah kind of girl, but come on! (said in gob bluth style lol) whatever lol.ending on a good note: had crazy chocolate craving earlier then i found 2 mini kit kats in one of my school bags! i was so excited lol

Saturday, May 8, 2010

i swear i'm going to stop using my exacto knife to cut my hair when i can't find my scissors

last night i had my usual "not going out on a friday night" criminal minds marathon...usually a&e shows about 4-5 episodes, every episode last night shemar moore was kicking down doors...i never thought i'd ever be turned on by that...guess it helps when the guy doing the door kicking is super fine.

did a lot of thinking today and thought about kissing new boy and why it felt so different. i finally realized it's because i'm used to black guys who have much fuller lips. now don't get me wrong i enjoyed kissing new boy, but there's something about kissing a pair of nice full lips that i can't give up..hmm..

p has a new blog/website...i'd never tell him i read it...i'll admit that i miss his writings. when we were together he always used to send me his stuff to read. i've always loved his writing...he's so unbelievably good...i'm so glad he went to grad school for what he loves and not to please his dad.

guess you could say i'm still sweet on him...of course i would never tell him that...i know he doesn't feel the same (know= i'm 99.999% sure he doesn't, but the hopeless romantic in me would like to believe he does...sad i know) i miss his hugs...he gave the best hugs...and his kisses

telling him all of this and more is constantly on the tip of my tongue....MUST KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT!! i really don't my feelings hurt. although the last time i went through this he spilled his guts first...i don't think it's going to happen again though..this whole distance thing is not cool.

antyways, i was walking home from lavender graduation--> mu's graduation of members of the lgbtq community and their allies who show outstanding service not only on mu's campus, but in the lgbtq resource office as well. so i was walking home and looked down at myself and thought "yea my body and i don't always get along, but boy do i love my curvy hourglass figure" (i'm a closet vain person lol) and i thought about my turbulent wednesday night and came up with the idea of writing a letter from my body to myself...so here it goes:

DEAR SYDNEY,

i'm sorry you were so unhappy with my wednesday and i'm glad we made up. i know you get frustrated with me sometimes, but damn girl i look good. don't worry about the love handles, stomache pudge and the cellulite. as long as you're happy that's all that matters.

don't try and eat all of me in one night...especially after you wolfed down about 2o cheese cubes at the lav grad reception. remember i can always be saved as leftovers.

love, medium pepperoni pizza

DEAR SYDNEY,

stop worrying, everything will work out.

love, the future

DEAR SYDNEY,

you're awesome. don't forget it

love, self

yea, so they're not charming or witty or earth shattering, but they'll do for now.

it kinda weirds me out how well P (aka "ex lovah"....that got kinda old lol) still knows me....knows me really really well...guess i shouldn't complain. the music website he told me about was right up my ally.

going to work on lowering the level of my freakouts. it's ok to freakout, but i think i need to take it down a notch or two. ..going to add that to my "how to be a real adult" list lol.

finally downloaded lily frost's song "you've shaken every part of me" my number of chances to listen to it on yahoo music have decreased drastically over the past few weeks. and after scouring youtube thousands of times i still can't find it so i decided to go to good 'ol reliable itunes. it's really gross how long i can keep this song on repeat..definitely one of my favorites, it's so calming...

just realized how janis joplin makes amazing study music (i think that makes sense) forgot she was on my ipod while i was studying and thought i'd give her a try since i haven't listened to her in awhile. great just great, i forget how awesome she is (was?) such a badass singer.

ok brain fart: i'm also going to work on not eating at the computer...i type that with a half eaten cherry slice sitting on my keyboard lol. but i'm for real!! sort of...i figure it probably won't happen, but maybe if i write it out it'll help....we'll see.

my little brother turned 10 yesterday...i feel SOOOO old. i still remember exactly what my dad said to my sister and i when he broke the news (not gonna lie, i was really disgusted before i was happy) he's getting so tall too!! i have to give him side hugs, because when i hug him frontally(?) his face smashes smack dab into my boobs..kinda awkward lol.

i really need to turn this song off lol....11 times played so far.. as i type this and i downloaded it about an hour ago lol.

guess i'll get back to this 10 page rococo paper...i have 5 pages so far and still a lot of info to write about so it won't be too difficult ( i say that now) i will admit i'm proud of myself for starting it early..sort of...it's not due until monday, but 5 pages already? go me!

yesterday day was ok...skipped my last class of the semester to go to senior sendoff day. (seniors walk back thru the columns to symbolize us leaving mizzou and going into the real world, then they give us beer and try to get us to join the alumni association. whatever.) even though i'm not graduating until december i still went...only b.c i friends were there. it's events like this that remind me how much i don't look my age...i feel like i still look 18. it's cool.

ended up getting drinks with chatoyya angelica and ryan. i had every intention of staying in and working on finals' stuff but this white chick was acting out. getting ready is where things went downhill. i saw pictures of myself from senior sendoff...i did not look good at all. apparently this whole mascara only/"au naturale" look i've been going for for the past month or two hasn't been working out...at all. then none of my clothes fit right, i looked super frumpy and when i attempted to put on makeup it didn't turn out so well. i so upset, i this close to bailing on going out and sitting on my floor in my underwear balling my eyes out.

but i was i a big girl, sucked it up and went out anyways...then of course when i told chatoyya what happened i got a little teary eyed. as i've mentioned before on here i'm a pretty happy person overall, i like my body even though we don't always get along, but something about last night made me get so emotional. i haven't felt that bad about myself in so long. chatoyya gave me a pep talk which cheered me up. unfortunately that's not where the bad ended.

it never fails, whenever i drink an ounce of alcohol whatever feelings i have for my ex come out. always. ALWAYS. he came up in conversation and drunk sydney jumped at the chance to talk about him. drunk sydney also admitted that a small part of my heart still belongs to him. idk what this feeling is. i'll admit he has said and done some pretty mean shit over the past couple of years. and yet i still get sad when he doesn't respond to my texts, go to him for comfort when i'm feeling down, i stopped following him on twitter 3 separate times, i hid him from my facebook newsfeed,i can only look at his page when i'm drunk, i try to be a good friend and listen to his dating woes which is a big step for me because i can finally do so without wanting to throw up and/or throw my phone against the wall, we still tell each other "i miss you" and "i was thinking about you", i have yet to find anyone who i have such strong chemistry with the way i do with him. basically it's one big emotional clusterfuck. we broke up almost 2 years ago so why do i still have "feelings" or whatever for this man?! it's fucked up i know...i've acknowledged it. but for some reason i can't let go. we've gone weeks without communicating and i've been perfectly content. and yet these feelings still exist. of course i would never tell him any of this, because i'm incapable of telling people how i feel.....whatever...not really just whatever. but whatever.

once again not the end of the bad.

i've written before about my heart condition. i haven't had heart palpitations in long time, but for some reason they've been bad this week. had one in class on tuesday that took me by such surprise i literally clutched my chest. but anyways so idk it was because of the alcohol but i got two last night. the second one happened after i had gotten home, the rapid heartbeat hurt so bad i started crying...then i wondered if it was the real reason i was crying..probably not but it's easier to blame it on my heart. i also think being drunk didn't make things better...but it was scary, because it lasted longer than usual.

so yea i've had better nights.

back to stale saltines, nursing my hangover and old episodes of fresh prince

Monday, May 3, 2010

i know it's only monday, but i bought this awesome wallet/clutch type thing from the anthropology museum on campus. the museum sells handmade, fair trade goods from all over the world. i was deciding between the clutch and a really cool necklace from Kenya, but i remembered i barely wear jewelry so the clutch it was:

it looks blue, but the top flap is really deep

purple

i can't remember what country it was made in,

i want to say it's from a country

in either central or south america

it's so great...and i thought

it was perfect for the summer

i discovered these chips last week (so i guess they would be cool thing of last week) and they're SOOOO good! definitely my favorite sunchips flavor. i love the tangy kick they have

yes that is my horrible looking veiny food

had such a nice visit with my grandma, mom and little brother....i love that little guy so so much. he'll be 10 on thursday i can't believe it!

my room looks so bare without all the stuff and clothes they took back home with them. i'm so happy.

my poor suitemate...i've been singing at the top of my lungs lately...and i know i sound bad.

i had more to say earlier...oh wells probably for the best, tonight i have to read the last 5 chapters of my capstone book and write a short paper on each chapter all due tomorrow morning. it's my own fault i did absolutely no schoolwork shit this weekend.

but i think i'll watch will forte's women herstory month song video again lol

so here i am packing my shit up, getting things ready for my mom, gma and brother when they come down tomorrow (today?) and get some of my crap. but antyways, so i'm going through my all purpose purple plastic tub (all purpose meaning it holds random crap) and i found this:

the infamous, flashback inducing memory box

it's not that i'm surprised it was in there..it's been there since i moved into my dorm last august..i really shouldn't have packed it but that's another story for another day. i guess it took me by surprise because i realized i haven't looked in it quite..quite some time. it amazes me that besides facebook pictures, saved emails, one simple "wooden" $13 hobby lobby box can hold memories of a person i once held so dear to my heart. i guess i still do but at the time i got the box it meant so much more. idk..i can't bear to part with it yet...ex lovah still means a lot to me.

but i digress.

my non doodling kick has been spurred by my whole "i'm going to be an adult" campaign...which hasn't been exactly going well either. adults don't clean their face with astringent to avoid actually washing it and they don't stick their head under the sink faucet to "rinse" their hair to avoid taking a shower. now i know i sound super dirty but i do shower everyday...except for today when i layed in bed all today and only left to get food but needed to wet my hair because it looked crazy. but the astringent thing may happen pretty often...my face still gets clean!..just probably not as clean as it would if i actually washed with face soap and a washcloth....i do that a few times a week...the rest of the time i do wash my face..scouts' honor. also adults don't use windex as an all purpose cleaner...it totally acts as one but i think real adults use different products...i don't think the eating in bed thing is going to change anytime soon..oh wells.

can't wait to go home...going to eat fettuccine noodles and fresh parmesean every day. and i can't wait to see bree..and spend time with my brandon boo...and my gingybread. excitement!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

i mentioned..to another person...another LIVE human being..in conversation that gary sinise narrating these army commercials make me want to join. i know i know that's so bad. i don't want to join for real for real, but they're a lot more convincing with his voice in the background...he's just so cool!

sometimes i should keep my thoughts to myself i think lol.

may or may not have made a 1:30am run to the campus market store for cherry slices...

it's so bad. BUT i paid in cash and it's only a minute walk from my dorm (i kept telling myself that to justify the trip & purchase lol) i get some SERIOUS candy cravings. serious. for the longest time my mom thought i had diabetes because when i crave candy i HAVE to have it. (she doesn't like to be reminded she doesn't have a medical degree). i must say they were definitely worth it.

more doodles:

i was really hungry...this is what i thought

my stomach looked like

don't ask

herakles (or hercules..i like the greek spelling

better) i forgot his lion cape so i drew

the lion before herakles kills him

clearly my whole "no more doodling" kick didn't last very long...i guess it doesn't help we've been listening to presentations. 3/4 of my art history classes have been doing presentations for the past lord knows how many weeks...it's PAINFUL with a capital stab myself in the eye to get out of class. i'm so sick of art history it's crazy. i guess that's what 1 week of class left in the semester will do to you.

my best guy friend and i have had some really good conversations surrounding the new boy situation lately. (things aren't going as planned) i love getting things from a guy perspective. mainly the truth. i must say i hate being bullshitted, treated like i have "naive" written on my forehead and played to the left which is EXACTLY what's been going on lately. whatever.

two things to end on a happy note with:

1. got a FREE copy of homer's odyssey from the craft studio...yay for free books!!

2. i am way pumped for this movie. love will forte and these skits on snl were always some of my favorites...and kristen wiig?! yes. lol