they took my life, now my soul

have I reached the final part..last nite laying in bed I started to write wasn't sure what would happen or what I was going to write. The next thing, I'm saying goodbye to my flat mate, i'm writing a letter to her. I've done letters to my mum before but this was the first time i've done one to her.

then I started writing more, how everyone has someone who they can call to speak too, be it just to say hi, 2 ask for support, advice or just to hear a friendly voice., the personal touch that someone does care. I've called people and don't get an answer, Just wanting to hear a sound other ur own voice or the sound of keys tapping away.

When I started counselling I was told that you would need real time friends/support someone that you can speak to when you leave the counselling session, to help bring you back to here and now...I don't have that, I leave, I get in my car, depending on the session will depend where I end up going, I then get home and dont' speak to anyone for at least 24 hours..I thought at the time I would be able to do it alone, well i've spent my life being dependent and doing everything alone, but I can't, I can't ground myself it takes days, sometiems weeks.

no one seems to understand me, I really must be so complicated. I can't just forget or move on I was abused all my life I know, no different and now its stopped I feel off no use to anyone, my body was only ever there to be abused, and now its rotton and dead..

I don't have the friendships or family others do, I don't feel I have the closeness with anyone. I might be missed for a day maybe a week, possibly a month, but then I will be forgotton,I've always been a lost child, a lost person, a lost soul..

I'm so tired of feeling so alone, feeling to trapped in my own mind, not having any contact with people (even my counsellor has picked up on this, so now its so very obvious).

I've always been a freak, I was going to post and say I've been lying, that I wasn't abused..thinkibng that if I said that people would believe that I lied (as I believe so many do anyway) and everyone would then hate me, which would make it so much easier for me.

I'm not sure the purpose of this post, i'm not sure I will be around for much longer. i'm not sure what will happen in the next few weeks, but I won't say any times, or dates, or anything.

If you don't see me around soon, then don't worry..I'm in a better place, things just go too much.

I have been fighting, I have been trying, it just doesn't seem to get any easier. I know its stopped, but the memories, the wounds haven't healed. How do you get thru it, how much longer do I have to fight? with ppls comments...its just one trigger after another, why would someone say pedos are cool, i hate them. I hate them so much. a pedo took my life away. i hate it. sorry

don't be sorry, that guy was a troll and his comments were truly hurtful. he's a jerk and i'm sorry you had to see his comments. i think the admins have already banned him and deleted his posts.

i can't say how long, it's gonna be different for each of us. when i was first dealing with my abuse i felt like the walking wounded. i went from self-destruct and acting out, to feeling shell-shocked, to numb, to sleeping upright, fully dressed with the lights for a year, then slowly to some peace and resolution. it's always gonna be part of who i am, but it's no longer everything.

i still have issues, after all here i am on SF.... and a new member at that... but i have healed in the past and find comfort that i will again,

That person was sick, I don't understand why people think like he does. they just don't understand. i hate it. maybe SF isn't safe, no where is.

my counsellor says I'm in the "emergency" phase and self destructing. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, where I go, triggers are everywhere. I'm so tense about everything, so nervous..I don't sleep, last nite i slept but only becuase I drank so much it made me pass out.
It still feels everything.

i know how that feels and all i can say is you will survive this stage, no matter how terrifying it is right now. i remember i was triggered by a donut once... i thought "for f*ck's sake... a donut?" but that's just how overwhelmed i was.

find a safe place and stay there. you're right, it might not be SF, now, but when you are feeling a bit better we are here for you. take care of the basics - rest if you can, eat if you can, sleep if you can. don't worry about anything else.

if you are up for it you could try RAINN, in addition to their 24 hour phone hotline they are now doing an online chat support with trained counsellors. http://www.rainn.org/ and look for the link on the right hand side.

Hi lost child. Please keep posting on SF hun. Everyone is here to help you. Don't let one twisted poster turn you away from the SF support team. It will take time for you to overcome the abuse and trauma that you had to endure, but please, hang in there and don't lose faith in God. I know it may seem hard to believe, but God does love you.

I've always been a freak, I was going to post and say I've been lying, that I wasn't abused..thinkibng that if I said that people would believe that I lied (as I believe so many do anyway) and everyone would then hate me, which would make it so much easier for me.

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Please don't do that. I did that once when no one believed me I just dropped it and it never made things better. Unfortunately a lot of people do lie which makes it hard for those who tell the truth to be believed. If it did happen then you shouldn't hold yourself back from talking because that will make it worse not easier. It's not pleasant when people think you are a liar, rightfully or not, and I'd hate to see you put yourself through that. :hug:

when does it all stop?
Scars on my arms, legs, body from where I've tried to cut the dirt away, to cleanse my blood someway, to see something that can explain the pain..reminders.

I look at myself and want to smash the mirror into a thousand and one peices,. I hate who I am, I hate what I look like, I just hate me so much.

I clean, but there hands are on my. SOmeone says something nice and I think they trying to trick me someway.

this really isn't a life.

I wake in the morning, and wish I hadn't, my first thought is another day to suffer the same.

My flat mate is pissed off with me for being "grumpy", she told me to snap out of it..stop worrying about things out of my control, get a grip, I can't change the past..I know that and that fucking kills.

She had a choice who she gave her virginity away too..I had mine stolen..she had parents who taught her what love and care was, or even to share a hug with just because they could..love and care came at a price. they say if you never felt love, you cease to grow, you cease to develop, madness sets in and then even death. that is so true.

People might see a 28 year old, but inside and emotionally I'm still that child, still living with the abuse, still living with the pain from having a foreign object inside of me. still living with the scared feelings, still living with the constent reminders of how I couldn't do anything without him being there and touching me.

I can't escape him, I can't escape none of them. I still smell cheap aftershave, I still smelly whisky, I still have the taste in my mouth where they kissed me.

I'm scared outside, i'm scared inside. I'm broken into a million peices, you wouldn't fix something so broken, in the bin it would go...well that's where I belong, in trash.

So alone, no where to turn, no person around is it any wonder that all I ever think of death. I want out so much and it seems that sleeping tablets are the only way to go. somehow I will get hold of enough to put me into a sleep forever.

It's true lost child, you are a survivor. You've survived many years being tormented by those sick men. Now you have to let yourself heal on the inside. Someone will come along who will love and care for you. Don't give up now lost child.

What if tomorrow was different than today? What if tomorrow, you met someone you could trust, and you started a new life with that person, and had a family of your own? What if tomorrow something changed and you died for nothing? Could it be possible?

I look at myself and want to smash the mirror into a thousand and one peices,. I hate who I am, I hate what I look like, I just hate me so much.

I clean, but there hands are on my.

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I am so sorry. Each one of us has our own experiences so I never want to say I know what you mean- so...your words resonate so strongly.
I hope you can hang on, keep posting, give yourself some comfort. Doing it alone is so hard- (I do mine alone too) and sometimes if feels impossible but then it isn't... and it's another day.

I feel my words are so inadequate but i'm listening and wishing you good things
let me know if i can help-