This is a deadly serious subject. My girlf will be fucked up if I finsih with her and I don't want to have to break her heart like this but at the end of the day I don't want to have to sleep with someone for the rest of my life whilst I'm secretly thinking I'd rather be in bed with someone else.

I just called up my work, and they said that if I turned up naked, they'd spank me with birch twigs, harshly. I know what they mean by harshly. It requires a lot of blood loss. I've encountered that before. I think I'd prefer to get new shirts.

Now who wants an undersized groinal appendage? I fail to see the point in attaching such a thing.

Basically I need something that will provide a good grip, diameter being important, and cause minimal disruption to existing systems. Does anyone know any good manufacturers? I've tried Dell but they're just not satisfactory.

You all obviously need Orgasmo-button implants. Just press and orgasm!!! No need for mutant biological adapations or overly baggy jeans, no need to get nekkid or worry about sexual technique of your partner! Its just press and go! Its the buzz you'll never tire of!!! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! ... EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

See, you're thinking that a groinal appendage has to be like a human hand. A webbed appendage, similar to a duck's foot, would provide adequate surface area and traction without causing an undue drain on the blood supply.

Okay. The ideal appendage would be a tentacle; I don't think anyone would dispute that. Let's not fight about this. (Let me tell you that platypus-style grips, while superficially attractive, provide no long-term satisfaction.)

W00t! I've been distracted by Independence Day on TV! Go on, Will, stick it to those towel-heads! Er, aliens.

I don't really care what anyone says, you CAN'T go on the internet and say that type of thing. I mean I admire your bravery, but for fuck's sake man, seriously...
Anyway, possibly, arguably, this is not meant to be.
Just do what you can to try and let her down gently, if for no other reason than the next time round it could be you, who's sitting there quietly with a bottle of vodka, waiting around for the phone to ring. It's a bit gauche honestly, take it from me. ALWAYS BE KIND

Let me see if I have this stright, you want to know if you should dump your girlfriend because she isn't good in bed?

Holy Crap! THAT'S why I keep getting dumped. Maybe I should work my way up to it by being good in the hallway, then good in the doorway, then good in the pantry and finally in the guest room. It's like training for the Olympics.

Yeah, a tentacle, complete with manifold little suckers would be great. It would be very useful for 'cybering' and flat-pack furniture would be a breeze, though keeping it slimed up could be a bit of a bind, mind you.

Or failing extra appendages, simply get the one you've got removed, thus rendering girlfs entirely superfluous, as they have no other uses than being fucking great in bed, and everything.

...though keeping it slimed up could be a bit of a bind, mind you. *Vomits on keyboard.*

A third arm/tentacle/appendage definitely has myriad benefits, the very least of which is that the ability to satisfy the girlf suddenly becomes a reachable goal and as a consequence the 'shit-in-bed-ness' instantly transforms into 'very-excellent-in-bed-ness' indeed.

The sad position the girlf is obviously in now is that she clearly can't expect to be satisfied in bed and instead has to run to the bathroom when it's all (possibly rather quickly) over, in order to 'do her own thing' to finally get her sexual rocks off.

Certainly dump the girlf. Because there is NO MEANS - whether by improved communication, developing trust or mutual exploration - that anyone can EVER get better in bed (that is a SCIENTIFIC FACT proven by RESEARCH and DATA).
Whereas if you find a hot minx foxstrel who don't quit in the sack, you can always train her up to be interesting, good company, funny, intelligent, and a font of shared interests who will make you wake each day glowing and glad.

NO MEANS!ehh..are you absoluetly positive on that one...? just kidding ofcourse..nothing wrong with my manhood, nothing I tell ya!!

Oh, please don't make me do this.
The responses on this thread are the floating city above the void, a citadel of infinite riches and culture, braced against the sides of the pit with the great rivetted iron struts of sarcasm. Like a studio Ghibli steampunk Laputa.
If I actually type the words "I was being sarcastic", the whole of this thread, and most of Barbelith, will be sucked down into the howling devouring hole in reality, with only whisps of irony and fragments of humour clinging around the rim.

So... yes, I'm sure your manhood is big enough to make any woman good in bed. That's how it works. I'm sorry to have impuned your Giant Sized Man Thing.

What exactly do you mean by 'Shit in bed'? Just lying there like a corpse while you pump away with abandon and reckless enthusiasm? Going too slow? Too fast? Too noisy? Too quiet? Not getting you off? Scared to use the tradesmans entrance? What?

Have you considered the possibility you may be gay, and her chromosome collection is simply *wrong* for you?