There is no shortage of relationship advice in this world. Wading through the barrage of information can be overwhelming, but there is information out there that is both useful and practical.

Longitudinal research into relationships can help us to see what it takes to make a relationship successful. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have been systematically studying relationships since the 1970s. They have initiated numerous decades-long studies with thousands of couples that show patterns and predictors that are so consistent that they can predict whether a couple will divorce with an average of over 90% accuracy.

Using this research data, they developed Gottman Method Couples Therapy, a structured, goal-oriented therapy that seeks to help couples achieve greater connections and intimacy in their relationships. Their research shows that couples need to become better friends, create ways to support each other’s dreams and goals and learn to manage conflict. They have broken down the ways to accomplish this into nine components of healthy relationships- and something they call the Sound Relationship House:

Build Love Maps: How well do you know your partner’s inner psychological world, his or her history, worries, stresses, joys, and hopes?

Share Fondness and Admiration: The antidote for contempt, this level focuses on the amount of affection and respect within a relationship. (To strengthen fondness and admiration, express appreciation and respect.)

Turn Towards: State your needs, be aware of bids for connection and respond to (turn towards) them. The small moments of everyday life are actually the building blocks of relationship.

The Positive Perspective: The presence of a positive approach to problem-solving and the success of repair attempts.

Manage Conflict: We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve” conflict, because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects. Understand that there is a critical difference in handling perpetual problems and solvable problems.

Make Life Dreams Come True: Create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her hopes, values, convictions and aspirations.

Trust: This is the state that occurs when a person knows that his or her partner acts and thinks to maximize that person’s best interests and benefits, not just the partner’s own interests and benefits. In other words, this means, “my partner has my back and is there for me.”

Commitment: This means believing (and acting on the belief) that your relationship with this person is completely your lifelong journey, for better or for worse (meaning that if it gets worse you will both work to improve it). It implies cherishing your partner’s positive qualities and nurturing gratitude by comparing the partner favorably with real or imagined others, rather than trashing the partner by magnifying negative qualities, and nurturing resentment by comparing unfavorably with real or imagined others¹. You can check out their blog at https://www.gottman.com/blog/