Posts: 21

Topic: CT scan tomorrow I am a nervous wreck

I just need to vent a little...my CT scan is tomorrow and I am a nervous wreck..ready to have a melt down thinking that by this time tomorrow I will either have very good news or bad news. I think it will go well but I also thought I did not have the cc to begin with..hmm kinda shakes my faith in my own judgement. I want my family to simply ask if I am ok...and stay long enough to get an answer even if it is uncomfortable to talk about. Maybe I am not being fair to them? I am always the strong one but I am scared. Scared that 'it' may be back and life will get even more complicated. I just wish my husband would talk to me about my fears about possibly not being around to raise our children. He simply says.."you'll be fine" and that is the end of any talk. It seems that no one wants to talk about 'it'. I need to have the peace of mind that my kids will be taken care of in the event that the news is not good. I am sure many of you can relate to the feeling that we are alone on this journey but here others understand. thanks for letting me vent! deb.

Re: CT scan tomorrow I am a nervous wreck

Hi Debrah,Vent away my dear. I know how you're feeling. I think your family may be afraid that if they talk about it, it will be real then.You need a big hug ((((DEB)))). We are here for you anytime. My husband John has cc and he doesn't want to talk about it for the reason stated above. I NEED to talk about it so I can fight it more effectively.

If you want to talk you can email me and I'll be here for you. I check my email everyday and I will be happy to be your sounding board.

I know the fear you're feeling...the hope that it's not come back...and feeling all alone.

As to your children, is your husband a good Dad? He'll be there for them as well as grandparents and any other family...including you.

If it doesn't go well you will be there in spirit, I truely believe that. Love never ends. My Mom passed years ago and and I can still feel her around me.

Re: CT scan tomorrow I am a nervous wreck

Hi Debrah,

First of all, I wish only the best of results for your CT Scan tomorrow. You know us CC patients can send mixed signals to those who love and care for us; Primarily because of the emotional burden we carry and how we express our feelings toward them. Not knowing your family I can't assure you of anything, but my experience with my wife is she is just as afraid of results if not more. She has a hard time talking about my results ,pain, discomforts as she feels I don't want to think or talk about it. When I try to talk about things she really doesn't want to discuss as it scares her. I guess what I'm saying is what your going through is a normal that we wish wasn't. At the end of the day a little cuddle and kiss with I love you gives us strength. Turn on the ocean waves knowing I'll go to the spare room probally after couple hours of sleep. She knows I do it for her so she can get a restful nights sleep. Also to allow me to sleep in a position so I get proper rest. Debrah I guess what I'm saying is CC brings with it a bag of mixed emotions for us all and we work our way through it by staying as positive as possible. Last night I said to my wife, with all these side effects I have had, I did not want to do cycle three of this chemo tomorrow. She says, It's what ever you want to do Jeff. I didn't even want to say that much, but I replied, I'll wait until I see what my blood work looked like and discuss my side effects a little more. She calls me from work today to ask if I'm doing okay. (really wanting to know if I was doing chemo) I'm fine Blood work couldn't be better so I'm pressing on with chemo. She says you sure it's okay? Yep no problem. Now she feels okay cause I'm okay but I didn't tell her that I insisted on a chest xray to rule out some causes of my side effects that were on my mind. Xray, showed fluid build up in right lung area which was why I've been having shortnest of breath. Now when she comes home she'll ask again and I'll let her know just fine and that I asked for and x-ray and they increased my furismide and started me on some potassium which should help to withdraw the fluid more quickly.

Not to carry on but as you see above enough information was exchanged to get the message out that all is ok (status quo) and I got the information I wanted before pressing on with another round of this chemo. Also I did not overload my wife with more worry than she needed as she has to drive home. Isn't it amazing how protective love ones can be of each other.

I'ts so human nature to know your more than okay. I've found family need to know just a little more than I'm okay as they need validation that we really are. That's a good time for a hug. And if it isn't okay it is still time for a good hug in my opinion.

Knowing that my family will be taken care of is the biggest fear I have but I know if they collectively support each other things will go okay. Although we know "There ain't no garauntee" Just another fear slammed upon us.

Debrah, I've rambled on and don't know if I made any sense at all. Emotions are surreal and I feel should be shared as much as one would like and as little as one would like. Sometimes as a family and or as one on one approach when the right time presents. Channel that strength debra to relax your mind but don't blame yourself or ignore you have to be ready to devise a new plan of attack things don't go as well as expected. I've had the wind knocked out of my sails many a times in the last nine plus years. You know as some people are sick of hearing "stay positive", I sincerely believe positive emotions and pressing on is a must. Yes I have my down outright dumpy and insane days. Then I adjust and spring back in to my +++++++++++++ mode. Still Rambling Ha!

Wish you the best Debrah! Let your guard down a little with the famly and let the emotions of love flow freely. You'll feel better for it.

Re: CT scan tomorrow I am a nervous wreck

Debrah, life is so weird! I think Jeff is right on. Everyone handles things their own way and who is to say which way is right. I have a husband (for 14 years now) who truly did it his way his whole life. Then we got married and now he is the one with CC and here I am directing the whole orchestra! He does not talk about it much, I am the one who talks, does the research, sets up the appointments and I have to drill him as to how he is feeling. His kids are all adults and they have been great, never second guessing me at all. I talk openly with them as well as with mine. I need to talk but that is my way of handling it. This site is a great place to "talk" it out and someone will always have a fantastic answer and someone will always listen. If the family will not talk then talk to us, or e mail privately and also talk to your friends. We wish you the best of news tomorrow and keep in mind there is always one more scene to play! I also believe that when things get bad somehow we will know what to say and what to do.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHINGAny suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: CT scan tomorrow I am a nervous wreck

Hi there Debrah,What you and Jeff and Charlene are saying makes a lot of sense - and it's so good to hear all this from the perspective of the cc sufferer, so the caregivers can understand a bit more what you're going through. Maybe your loved ones feel they can't talk about it with you because they want to be strong for you. Then YOU feel you have to be strong for them, and it's a vicious cycle and no one ever communicates. I always put on the happy face for my mother and wouldn't allow her to open up any communication about the end, because hope was so important, but of course she must have needed to get some worries off her chest and I regret that I didn't allow her to do that. I simply didn't realize. Maybe you can tell your loved ones and your husband that you need to discuss this, discuss your fears, and ease some of that burden you're carrying all by yourself. I know they'll be there for you, whatever you need, but people just need to be told what to do sometimes. Especially spouses! It's hard for anyone to know what anxiety you're going through if they haven't gone through it themselves.

Of course you're worried sick, and I don't blame you at all. I'm hoping for the best results possible and a clean scan tomorrow. Keep us posted and we'll keep up a cheering section for you.

Re: CT scan tomorrow I am a nervous wreck

charlene, anne, jeff,lainy, joyce.............I wish I could give you all a hug to thank you all for your understanding..it helps alot. I wish it was not so late bc I would really like to write more but have to get up at 2a.m. to take more prednisone and be out the door at 5 a.m. thank you for being my angels I will try to write more tomorrow..hopefully I will be embarressed for freaking out. :: God Bless you all! deb

Re: CT scan tomorrow I am a nervous wreck

Debrah,

You are probably already up and at 'em today, but I wanted you to know I will be thinking about you. I understand and relate to every word you wrote. CT scans are tough. The days right before it are so mentally challenging. The "what if's" can really fill up your mind. Until I hear my doctor say it looks fine, my blood pressure is probably thru the roof.

Also, I have the same "problem" with my husband. Some days I really want and need to talk about how I feel and my fears, and I get the same "You'll be fine." I've often wondered if he even remembers I had cancer (not that I need to rehash everything every day.)

I was lucky enough to have a liver resection in 01/2007 with clear margins, but that doesn't mean I feel any better going into my scans. The stats say that there IS a survival rate, but how long is "survival"? Jeff is at over 9 years. Nine years of fighting this! He is our inspiration!

Soooo....all we can do is go day to day, and try not to stew about the scan for more than 2 days beforehand. I really have no good advice. My family always seems to be full of advice...just relax...you'll be fine...the test results will be good...

But they don't understand. On this board, we all understand. And we are all rooting for you today. Please let us know the results as soon as you can.

Re: CT scan tomorrow I am a nervous wreck

Hi Debrah, my thoughts are with you tomorrow and I'll be talking to you. I know how tough it is allways to be the "strong one", but I also know you can do it one more time. I keep all my limbs crossed that the outcome will be good!Iris.

Re: CT scan tomorrow I am a nervous wreck

THANK YOU ALL !!!marion, sue, iris, kris , charlene, anne, jeff, lainey and joyce PRELIMIMINARY REPORT LOOKS REALLY GOOD!!!!!!! AHHHH releif from the unbeleivable anxiety of not knowing. Needless to say I am exhausted after a sleepless night and an extrememly long day ending with such good news. I go back in November to do it again...I imagine I'll be nervous again hopefully not as bad as I've been. My husband said "I knew you were fine" I did NOT know that and it went right through me..what a crabby wife huh? It really hasn't hit me yet... after a good nights rest I am sure it will. :} It has meant so much to me to have the support that I received here where people truely understand. thank you all, deb ps I would love to email privately as well as soon as I am more awake. God Bless us all!

Re: CT scan tomorrow I am a nervous wreck

thank you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I slept great and am heading out to mow the lawn and float in the pool with the kids!!! what a difference a day makes ... having friends and family here that get it! love to all deb

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