Tuesday, May 29, 2012

My baby girl will soon be promoting from kindergarten. I've noticed that every day while she sleeps I want to look at her longer, trying to imprint in my mind her little face hugging her favorite " lammy" bear my mom gave her. I'm trying to take in her exhausted and thankful for rest look, her princess Pj's ( that don't fit her but she insists on wearing them). I'm trying to take in her smell of Johnson and Johnson baby lotion and her little pig tails. soon she will be a first grader.

I think of the day I won't be able to sing her lullabies and scare the monsters from her room away and it saddens me. I'm happy to be giving her many of the things I never got as a child.. my own bed, a mother and a father that were consistently there and attention on the good things that she does, discipline, a prayer life and strength. All the while I tell myself.. I hope were raising her right

This year has been spilling over with activities.. field trips to go ice skating, academy of science museum with us, birthday parties, visits to dad and moms jobs, (sadly this also includes the death of my grandma, her great grandmother whom she loved to visit and thinks and prays about her often) trips with dad to the park, Halloween costume day at school, bowling field trips and even a trip to my old University where she insisted on taking a pic in front of my old sorority house.

Walking around the campus was great and special. From where i come from College is too expensive, takes to much time and is more of a burden than an experience of a lifetime. My family has held the idea that you should not do soemthing until you knew how to do it perfect and would not fail.. thus my life was always filled with fear of never being able to carry out a project or a job to its fullest because i had not done it before. Once at the sorority house my daughter said" Mommy, take a picture of me here" I busted out my phone eager to snap a shot and tears came to my eyes... My little girl.. MY LITTLE GIRL was standing in front of a university's sorority house with plans on coming to college and living there. At 5 years old her sense of self is far greater than mine was at her age... she knows she has a future and that possibilities surround her. I think were doing pretty good so far =)

Here's to the end of a year full of unforgettable memories and the beginning of new ones...

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Here we are a month later and I still have not written a new
post. Shame on me! part of me is still trying to figure out what I want to talk
about, what my “ voice” is going/should be and HOW I want to organize my
thoughts.

I read other blogs and I come out from reading them with more
knowledge, sympathy, a new take on things or ideas. The problem is that on all
those “ other” blogs they tend to talk around one thing and how it relates to something
else. Well…. lets just say my blog still has training wheels LOL =).

At some point, I’m hoping to take them off so bare with me
with you see a lot of choppy stuff.. ( I gotta start somewhere right?)

Overspent. If I could describe how I feel right now that
would be the word of choice. There are several areas of my life where I’m
always trying to catch up; cleaning, crafting, organizing, shredding paper (
yes.. I know a little thing but it weighs on me so much!) bath time, reading,
budgeting, planning, etc. no matter how much I do there is always more so I usually
end up feeling bad that I don’t hold myself accountable for more stuff and that
I don’t have a good of a grip on things as I imagine.

Bills are paid, we all have something to wear manana, lunch
is in the fridge, baths and showers are done and now it’s time to relax..or is
it?

By this time I’m already exhausted! Usually at this time
hence me feeling that I’ve given more time to things that I didn’t have=
feeling overspent.

Growing up in both my childhood home as well as the home my
mom and dad later bought was always stressful. Never enough time, money, resources,
food, some little thing would always send someone over the edge and make them
start yelling… a misplaced napkin, one of my friends calling on the phone for
me, a bill that needed to be paid- ugh.. it was awful. And we were never “relaxed”Now , In my home even after the important things
are done I’m drained and don’t really have much time for more, nor do I care to
do more. But “ it is what it is” just doesn’t sit well with me either…

Does everyone feel like this? Is it just me? Where do people
find the time to bake cookies and comparison shop for food? , when and how do
you spend quality time with your kids when you get home at 6pm and the phone is
ringing, you haven’t ate and the living room is a mess? I’m thinking maybe I just
never learned how to balance stuff the way others do.

Friday, March 9, 2012

This past month has been a roller coaster – to say the least!! Good happy times mixed with some aha moments and everyone getting sick =/ that’s life though right?

My MIL is diabetic, other than the occasional a bit of high blood sugar its never been too much to deal with. Until now. Ok so how do I explain to a hardcore Mexican old school lady that she needs NEEDS more than aPan Dulce and coffee at 10 am in the morning? Or that Dinner is NOT at 3 pm and yogurt as a snack at 7 pm? I’ve tried talking to her, My husband has tried breaking things down so she can understand, we’ve taken her to the Dr. and my husband has ( probably in a more aggressive tone) recommended she do nothing since she is not following Dr’s orders-other than that, Que mas hay?

From my “perspective” health is important ( why the hell are we paying so much in health insurance if we’re never going to go to the Dr.?) But I know she sees it from “ I don’t want to be a burden”.. I swear the lady would rather sweat out a 104 fever while working on her plans and insist on washing the dishes herself than to sit still for a minute. Only to ask why am I still sick?I can’t possibly be the only person out there that is trying to deal with Mexican woman and their health issues- grrr !

As for me, I have managed to get some exercise in more frequently.. amazing how much energy you can have by just making yourself do something. My method? Dangle a carrot in front of me ( well, not physically, but you get my point) I tell myself.. I’m just going to put on “comfy clothes” and while I’m at it, might as well be stretchy ( right?) thus my half assed work- out begins… but after the first song, I’m pumped then I go for another and another and before I know it, I’ve done 45 minutes to “just dance”.. as if that wasn’t cool enough, I get on the scale.. and see I’m 3lbs lighter WOOHOO!!!

Funny how you can be in a funk, always “wanting”, “shoulding” but never do anything because your waiting for Divine inspiration to come a knockin’ at your door. Too be completely honest I’m not sure how I even “ make myself do the workout on some days when I’m dead tired, there is nothing to eat, the house is a mess, homework needs to be done, my daughter needs to get get bath/ shower, bills need to be paid, paper needs to be shredded.. need I go on? Yes… and them my mom calls…nomas estaba pensando en ti..ahhhhhh… can’t tell your mama you don’t have time! Wait.. let me rephrase; cant tell a Mexican Mom you don’t have time…I’d hear it FOREVER: I worked 12-14 hours, cooked REAL food, washed clothes, dealt with drama, watched novellas, did the laundry AND packed your damn lunch.. and you don’t have time for me? “ esta bien..te dejo en paz” “bauiy”

And now to tackle a few other battles.. paying tuition for our daughter, getting out of debt ( more on that later) consolidating student loans, and paying off a house. Our goal was/is to pay it off in 10 years. I did the calculators and saw how much we could save and quickly thought “ oh hell no!” we are paying this sucker off sooner and saving/investing the interest. Fast forward 3 years and daycare, tuition, tap, gymnastics practice, car repairs later ummm.. yeah. They say that when you know better. Well, I hope that I can fulfill this. I figured that by blogging about it may bring about some conversation and motivation to move forward- for all of us maybe to even help each other out in some way! So.. Brace yourself, I’m taking you on this roller coaster ride with me =)

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Don't know exactly how I got " inspired an motivated today... every day I want to "get things done" but most days fall short ( or maybe my list is too incredibly long and complicated and I pack too much into it, then sadly i don't get to cross anything of my pretty " To-Do" list.

Today though, something seemed to tug at me... ( OK, something has BEEN tugging at me) it called my attention in a way that it hasn't in the past... For a while I have been having " thoughts" of loosing weight ( Doncha love that..LOL " just thoughts".. nothing more) but it never goes beyond that.. I always find a reason for not acting on it- ALWAYS... here is a list of my " Why I cant possibly lose weight right now" :
1. I don't have much time.. get out of work by 5:30, home by 6, some time with my kiddlet, eat, bath time story time, sleep- then its suddenly 9pm..and I'm dead tired and actually want to sit in front of the TV and vegetate
2. I wont spend enough time with my daughter- Like im spending lots of super quality time with her now (?) or like my " excersize routine is going to take 5 hrs of uncompromisable time ... again (WTH?)
3. Do I really need to do it? .. Um, can you walk up the stairs without needing to stop?, can you run a mile in less than 10 min? (hell, in less than 45 min?.. yeah.. thought so..LOL)
4. But exercise is NOT FUN!- umm, you have a Wii, you have a CD player, you can steal your husbands ipod thingy.. but noooo, haven't even come close to doing any of that
5. Loosing weight requires sooo freakin much work its like having another job ... Really?, I mean ..really now, "it's not that serious", i guess in a very dramatic way it could be.. like if i was going to be paid money for losing weight- but I'm not, eating less, not stopping at starbucks before work or at lunch, not eating out 5 days a week is not " extra work" its LESS WORK!

( So you see can start to see the battle i constantly have with myself right??? )

Which is whyyyy, while at my daughters gymnastics practice i get invited to go work out and I'm like.. ummmm and her is what goes through my head: I wanna go, it could be fun, it could lead to a new friendship, its only 40 min, why not? oh... but I'd have to pack my clothes in the A.M, I'm gonna have to find parking at the gym, what if there is no class/ zumba/pilates/etc by the time i get out of work? and what about my daughter? what if i end up having a really long day at work end up tired want to go to sleep or have a pepsi instead because of such a hectic day? ( whew! yes I think like that)

and then I say no...

Earlier today i open my e-mail and see a typical flog feeds 9 mostly about crafts and stuff) .. tell me why one of those crafty blogs starts talking about a " random issue" that the girl has not deal with and I start to thing? umm, her living room? oh, maybe updating the lamps in her bedroom- nope shes talking about herself- the issue is being overweight and how it has consumed her...

I found the story soo intriguing for some reason. I mean , here is a person who is totally putting herself out there.. granted she has started to work out, but still.. I don't think I could put myself out there like that.. complete with all kinds of pics from elementary school until now and the before and during pics of the weight loss. All I could thing was OMG.. she is doing it- and its not a person who did surgery to begin with then just had to eat differently, and its not a person who just had to loose 10-15 lbs.. its areal overweight person doing it on her own. I was moved. Motivated. Exited. And ready to begin...

Friday, January 20, 2012

Sunday night i was going through intenet images of " organized spaces" and found TONS ( maybe too much.. enought that it made me depressed) and thought to myself, well I need to do is a pretty little " to-do" list and decorate it, make it pretty, etc, etc.. ya know put it where i can see it type thing... several hours later I have a magnificently well written out "To-do" printed on light pink paper with little birds and hearts on the corner and turquise bullets (Lovely i tell you)

Now ask me if anything on that list got done? In fact, come to think of it I don't even know where the damn list is now. i did wash clothes, and organize some bills, but other than that- nothing NOTHING got done. why is it that on paper everything is so precise and doable then I wake up and think run to get the day started

My whole reason to start the lsit was to keep myself accountable , yeah well that didn't work at all. I want to get organized.. Need a thank you card- Done, Need silver socks? I know where they are, Whats that?? your moms meat loaf recepie- yup, have that right here... I would LOVE to have it togehter liek that. instead i'm wandering aimlessly through out our home searching for my daughters pink bow and ballet shoes, or looking for stamps only to find out that i had already used them all up- like 2 months ago.

Well, I guess the good news is that I'm not the first one taht feels this way and certainly not the last but c'mon people... there has got to be a better way to live a productive happy fulfilling life than having to always dig for crap, and show up at the last minute

So now that I've put myself out there ( feel like im naked now) ya'll can join in and make this " process" better for the both of us..LOL whats the one thing you could change that just irritates the hell out of you?

Friday, January 13, 2012

I've debated what to write about for a long times..parenthood, education, balancing life, work, family..craftiness (or lack there of), drama, etc and I always get stuck with thinking " who wants to read that?" Well after trying to come up with an interesting topic 9 months of nothing... I've decided to jump into the blogging world and see where it goes...A slice of Pan Dulce is a lil bit of everything mixed with a bit o sarcasm ( OK actually a lot of sarcasm) crab a cup of coffee ( or a negra modelo..lol) and join in =) can't promise everything will be "pretty" but it will be real =)