Ask Ceil – Zombie Mascots

There are a number of reasons a zombie might want to eat brains. First and most obvious, zombies are ridiculously stupid and they are constantly trying to become smarter. Being the dull-witted, illogical non-beings they are, they figure that eating brains is the quickest path to intelligence. No one has sat down and discussed with the zombie population the benefits of a solid education. (Though I can imagine, with all the moaning and limping that would take place in your average zombie school, learning would be difficult at best: “Jimmy, no throw arm at Susan!” “Me sent Phil to principal’s office last week. Why he still on his way?!” Apparently zombies talk a lot like cavemen in Hollywood. Or Cookie Monster. “Class, what is square root of 16? Please groan clearly.”)

The second, and much lesser-known reason that zombies eat brains is because they’re tasty. I mean, they’re not particularly attractive, from a culinary standpoint. (“First you eat with your eyes.” Ew.) You won’t see Brain Under Glass anywhere, anytime soon. But they are, apparently, delicious. Especially when battered, fried up and served on a bun. Just ask this lady from Indiana.

And finally, any zombie mom knows that brains are actually nutritionally dense. They are rich in fatty acids and provide one-fifth the average zombie’s daily allowance of vitamin A. Shoot, that’s better than what I get in my current breakfast, “Cup o’ Carp”. (It’s an acquired taste, but good for you!)

But the real question is, do zombies eat anything besides brains? I mean, after a little while, the population of your average town has got to be pillaged of all brain matter within a relatively short period of time, even with zombies moving at their drudging, steady pace. When the average zombie family runs out of brains to eat, they’re going to have to move towards a new sustainable food source. That’s right, sooner or later, zombies will have to adopt agriculture.

But what would the new zombie farmer grow for his starving zombie family?

Cauliflower, right? That’s the only thing they would eat. And why?

Because it’s also tasty. Just try it with some garlic. I wouldn’t lie.

Dear Ceil,

I understand that there will be a new mascot for Quaker Oatmeal. Why must companies change their mascots? I used to talk to the old one. He was the only cartoon in the world that really, really understood me.

Disappointed in Dallas

Dear Disappointed,

No worries, your Quaker man will still be there, but he is changing.

Old image

New image. “I’m Fabio’s grandfather. Feel my oats.”

As you can see, your Quaker has simply gotten a small haircut, and lost a couple of pounds and a few years. My guess is that Quaker’s overall message is either “You won’t get old and fat by eating our oatmeal.” Or “You will lose weight and magically become younger by eating our oatmeal, but we can’t do anything about your goofy haircut.”

The question got me thinking: What other mascots have changed, and what was the company trying to say?

Punchy, the Hawaiian Punch guy, seems to be telling us that you can drink all the punch you want, you’ll still be short, fat, and wear silly hats.

The Sunmaid girl says, while picking grapes, “Someday, I’ll be in the next Shrek movie. We’ll see whose grapes shrivel.”

“Even puny kids with a big head can eat Frosted Flakes, and they’ll grow up to become buff, muscle-bound guys with enormous booming voices. If you were ever bullied by anyone, this cereal will allow you to exact retribution. Also, you will be able to make even the silliest fashion accessories look cool.”

(Ok, I’m just sharing some good Photoshop on that last one. But seriously, I would totally buy that cleaner.)

Ceil Kessler is a person who appreciates good logo art almost as much as she enjoys lampooning it. She secretly dreams of Mr. Clean, even if he ends up being a zombie. She doesn’t judge. Even those of you who ask her questions via the Ask-Ceil-o-tron.