I still
can't get used to this "New Breed Unleashed" 2006 version of ECW. Seeing pyro in an arena that seats 20,000 just isn't ECW to me.

In any event, this week's show from the Roanoke Civic Center in Roanoke, Va., starts out with a match as soon as the show hits the airwaves.

Match # 1 -- Extreme Rules - Sabu vs. Roadkill

Sabu starts out with a heavy arsenal and Joey Styles calls him the "human demolition derby." A springboard tornado DDT has the Amish man down, but he counters Sabu's triple jump moonsault into a drop toe hold into the chair. A scary spot sees Sabu leap the ropes to the outside for a body block on Roadkill and Sabu's appears to go head first into the floor. Back in the ring, a hurricanrana off the top, three chair shots, an Atomic Arabian Facebuster through the table and a camel clutch with a chair on Roadkill's back spells a tap-out win for Sabu. As the victor leaves the ring, a large bloody gash is seen just under Sabu's left shoulder.

Winner via submission: Sabu

Back from a commercial break (one that included the Geico commercial with the cavemen -- you know what I'm talking about -- and the Burger King stunt chicken), the ECW vampire is shown outside the arena. I'm told this person is none other than Mordecai.

Tommy Dreamer is in the ring and calls out the Big Show for another beating like the one he received last week. Show answers the call and annihilates Dreamer, ending the beat down with a Japanese sleeper into a back breaker and then tossing Dreamer across the ring while the sleeper was still applied.

In the back, Mike Knox and Kelly are talking and Knox tells Kelly he doesn't want her to showcase her cash and prizes (thanks, Dane Cook) to the world, only to him. Kelly looks reluctant, but agrees to accompany Knox to the ring for his match later on.

Kurt Angle then cuts an odd promo where he looks like he's reading cue cards off camera. He says he's hated himself since April 2 when he lost the WWE World title at WrestleMania 22. Angle says that once he wins his match tonight with Rob Van Dam and he'll be added to the main event at Saturday Night's Main Event with Rob Van Dam, John Cena and Edge. As the promo ends, the Olympic gold medalist's bottom lip trembles.

Match #2 -- Mike Knox vs. Danny Doring

Kelly is wearing a VERY short skirt to the ring. As the bell rings and she walks down the steps, she lifts what's left of I guess what once was a skirt and jiggles her, um, upper torso. Tazz can't say the word "exhibitionist" and Joey Styles adds that if he says it properly by the end of the night, dinner is on him. These guys have superb chemistry. Early on, Knox hits a spine buster reminiscent of Arn Anderson. Kelly walks over to a fan in the front row and starts to strip, even having the fan unhook her bra. Knox sees this and exits the ring to shove the fan down hard. Kelly then leaves ringside and Knox finishes off Doring with a reverse Russian leg sweep/Roll of the Dice maneuver. Not sure what to call it, but Doring's down for
the count.

Winner via pinfall: Mike Knox

Another Test promo airs with some old WWE highlights thrown in. Hard to believe this guy was once in the spotlight as Stephanie McMahon's "fiancÚ," and now he's with the ECW brand.

Next is another installment of Kelly's Expose with the same Snoop Dogg tune from last week. She removes her skirt and leaves very little to the imagination. Knox appears and throws a towel to Kelly, who throws it back. As Kelly goes to take off her panties, Knox has seen enough and jumps on the stage, covers up Kelly and whisks
her away to the back. I agree with the fans -- Booooooooo!

Some fat dude comes out next wearing a Ric Flair-esque ring robe and raps about hiding your wives and running for your lives. Dude gets rid of the robe and he's dressed in Chippendale gear (think Chris Farley from that classic Saturday Night Live skit with Patrick Swayze). Tazz says he thinks he saw this guy come out of Michael Cole's room. The Sandman's music hits (again, not ECW if Metallica isn't blaring) and the "Extreme Icon" comes into the ring chuckling at the Farley wannabe. Styles says looking at this guy, he's not ashamed he had that extra serving of pasta earlier and says he gives new meaning to the term "small package." The "dancer" takes off his outfit to reveal a rather disturbing thong and ball sack in front. Sandman is still laughing, but cracks open a brew. Farley strokes the Singapore cane and Sandman spits out some foamy beer (use your imagination, people). But fat dude grabs Sandman's beer, pours it over his own head and gets shellacked by the cane by the Sandman, who looks older every week.

In the back, Paul Heyman tells RVD the rules of the Triple Threat Match and that if he loses, the odds are in even less of his favor as Angle's inclusion makes it a Fatal Four Way. RVD says he's not worried.

Edge and Lita are shown walking through the crowd to ringside. They boot two guys from their seats (bad acting, by the way, as the guys show their ticket stubs until security motions for them to beat it) and have a seat as the main
event is next.

Match #3 -- ECW & WWE Champion Rob Van Dam vs. Kurt Angle

Before the participants make their entrances, Tazz confronts Edge on the outside and the two throw verbal jabs at each other. Edge then calls himself the "Whole F'n Show" and mocks Van Dam with his thumbs to the back schtick. Tazz then calls Edge a "stupid little goof." You know, if it weren't for Tazz and Styles, this show wouldn't be worth watching half the time.

Apparently, this is also a non-title match. Lots of mat wrestling early and the crowd is quiet. RVD nails
a windmill kick and then goes up top, but Angle pushes him off into the ringside barrier as we head to another break.

Back in the ring, Angle has RVD in a chinlock, but RVD counters with a jaw breaker. Angle hits a high cradle suplex out of the corner and back-and-forth two counts are everywhere. Van Dam goes for a kick off the top and Angle catches RVD's leg and hooks the Ankle Lock. RVD reaches the ropes, but doesn't break the hold, instead pulling Van Dam back into the center of the ring. Angle gets tossed to the outside and moments later, RVD hits a split-legged moonsault for another two. RVD goes up top again and Angle meets him there for his patented throw off the top. Van Dam then counters the Angle Slam into a tornado DDT and a Five Star Frog Splash later and RVD wins.

Winner via pinfall: Rob Van Dam

Edge applauds from ringside and leaves the area. As RVD celebrates in the ring, Edge appears out of nowhere and nails a spear on Van Dam. Edge and Lita then play some extreme tonsil hockey as the show ends.

Matt Mackinder, still not impressed with this new ECW faction, found himself playing "fetch" with his pooch, Eddie, midway through the show. God bless DVR, or else he would have missed Kelly's assets. Email him at mackindermedia@yahoo.com.