Noah and the Ark – Malaysia Edition

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Noah and The Ark – A Modern Version.

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Malaysia, and lamented, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I shall see all it ending before me in a flash.”

“So, Noah, build another Ark, and save 2 of every living thing, along with a few good human beings.”

The Lord gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark, before I start the unending rains for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down, and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but without any Ark.

“Noah!”, the Lord called out, I am about to start the unending rains! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have since changed.”

“Firstly, I must have a Bumiputra partner, who is linked to UMNO, then I need to obtain a building permit from DBKL, and I also have to pay under counter money to obtain the building permit.”

“Then, I had to argue with the BOMBA inspector, on the requirement for a sprinkler system.”

“Meanwhile, my neighbours had complained to The Malay Mail newspaper about the height of the Ark that I was planning to build, and the next day it made the headlines, claiming that I had violated the neighborhood building by-laws, where height of my Ark would be exceeding the permitted height limitations, linked to the relative height of the mosque.”

“I had to appeal to the magistrate, before building of the Ark was approved.”

“The Opposition took advantage of the situation, and yelled that I was a government crony, besides doing some rather nasty things to my face on the Internet.”

“I do not know how the Opposition had superimposed my face on a naked body, along with some other naked MPs, and portrayed it on the YouTube. Oh, Lord, you are the all knowing, and I surely did not take the photos of the naked MPs.”

“Then, yet another stop work order was issued, even before I had started work on the Ark. Further, the Badan Cegah Rasuah had arrested me for phonography.”

“Thus I had to consult a lawyer, who looked like Ambitah Bachan, talked like him, acted like him, but was is not him, since he claimed that he knew the Chief Justice, the Prime Minister and the Apa…Nama…Lagi, and hence he could clear my name, but I would in return have to buy all of them first-class air-tickets to Australia.”

“After my name was cleared, I had to once again go to the DBKL Appeal Board, for a decision to allow me to build the Ark.”

“Then the government, even after having approved the plans to build the Ark, stated that I should only use SIRIM approved materials, which I should also only buy from their own list of CLASS F contractors, which are 15 times much more expensive than those bought from the China-man hardware shop.”

“TNB and JPJ subsequently demanded that a bond be posted for the future costs of having to move any power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage way for the Ark ‘s movement to the sea. Although I told them that the sea would, in fact, be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.”

“Getting the wood for the Ark was another problem to be overcome, as SUKHAM and JABATAN HUTAN NEGARA emphasized that there was a ban on the logging of local trees, in order to save the Orang Utans.”

“I tried to convince SUKHAM and JABATAN HUTAN NEGARA that all I needed was only wood for the Ark, which would still save the Orang Hutans – but they categorically said no go and no way.”

“When I started to gather the animals for the Ark, JAKIM and an Animal Rights Group sued me.”

“According to JAKIM, I cannot put the chickens and the pigs next to each other in the Ark, as it WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED TO BE HALAL, while the Animal Rights Group insisted that I was confining wild animals against their own will in the Ark.” “They also argued that the accommodations in the Ark were too restrictive, and so it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in such a confined space.”

“Following that, JABATAN KERJA RAYA AND JABATAN KAJIAN DAN GALIAN had ruled I could not build the Ark until they had conducted an Environmental Impact Assessment on the proposed flood.”

“I am also still trying to resolve a complaint lodged with the Human Rights Commission, on how many Bumiputra contractors I am supposed to hire for my Ark building crew.”

“Further, JABATAN IMMIGRASI and RELA are checking on the status of most of the people who want to work on building the Ark.”

“The trade unions are contending that I cannot be utilizing my sons to build the Ark, insisting that I must only be hiring trade union workers with Ark-building experience.”

“As I started to CLEAR THE AREA TO BUILD THE ARK, 6 gangsters came and demanded for protection money. And they also said they will be controlling the area for the selling of drugs and prostitutes to my workers.”

“When I complained to the POLIS, the next day, the IGP of POLIS sent an ASP, who came in full uniform, and who unfortunately also happened to be one of the six gangsters, who were demanding for protection money, and thereby doubled my protection fee.”

“Then, there was a by-election, and I was forced to become an UMNO member to obtain the approval of my permits, and was also coaxed to pay a donation to the Barisan National candidate, in the so-called spirit of MUHIBBAH. Otherwise, the candidate would make my life very difficult when I did not so, as I was now considered being already his member.”

“Every Department that I turned to was asking me what they call “Kopi Wang”.

“And I calculated that if I had to pay all the so-called “Kopi Wang”, the cost of my building the Ark would be al least 20 times higher than anticipated. Hence, I refused to pay them the so-called “Kopi Wang”, as I am always faithful to you, Oh Lord.”

“Some top-level politicians were disappointed with me for not providing donations, and they called me a “Murtad”. And when I told them that my name is “Noah” and not “Murtad”, they got angry, and threatened that they had connections.”

“Coincidentally, I found myself to be a suspect for the murder of a Mongolian lady, because the place where she was murdered happened to be on the land where I was planning to build the Ark. Thus I was arrested and imprisoned.”

“To make matters worse, JABATAN HASIL seized all my assets, claiming that I was attempting to leave the country illegally with endangered species of plants and animals. I have just been released from ISA detention.”

“So, please forgive me, my Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish building the Ark.”

Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked the Lord, “You mean you are not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” whispered the Lord to Noah, “The Malaysian Government has already beaten me to it!”