Feeling Alone and Abused

by Shelly
(Canada)

My mother lived in a different city and was remarried at 70 to a gentleman who had a stroke and dementia 1 year after there marriage.

Her first marriage was to my father who was abusive mentally and physically to her till he passed on. She cared this abusive man till he died. My mother after her first year of marriage took on the role of caregiver to her second husband.

She moved into the a level 4 care facility to be with him till he died. She continued to live in this level 4 care facility after he died.

Through all of this her 57 year old son died in an accident along with 3 others. Her Doctor prescribed Ativan to help ease her pain and anxiety.

My sister was living in the same City as Mom and began the quest as caregiver under extreme demands from my mother.

My sister would call every time Mom would become ill and I would take time off and go to help her. As a result my income suffered. My sister called and said her husband was ill and they were selling there house and moving. Both her and her husband were not handling his illness well saying he was dying He is fine.

Meanwhile I am juggling all of this plus my husbands massive coronary and eye strokes (my own hell). My sister phoned and said they were moving and sold there house and they were done taking care of Mom. In hers and her husbands words (we are washing our hands of her she is yours). I am thinking Mom is coming to live here. It is November and my other sister says she will take her for Christmas, they pack Moms bags, my sister leaves with her bags but not my Mom. Strange? A week later she says I can buy the air line tickets that way we can fly together when I bring her out.

I kept her so I could look for a lodge and a Dr. for her medical issues. Why didn't she bring her the week before with her. She said she wasn't ready for her. I also wasn't ready and I had to work but I took mom to Vancouver for Christmas and my sister picked her up.

I noticed her memory was poor and she would just sit on my recliner chair watching tv or not. The phone was beside her and if it rang she wouldn't pick it up. She was taking maximum doses of narcotics which made her forgetful, cumbersome, dizzy and left her with swallowing issues.

She would tell stories about family members that didn't happen or if they did they would have the wrong people in the stories. The stories were disconnected. She would take her rolls of pills and try and figure them out and get angry if you tried to assist her.

My one sister would tell mom to stop lying. Surprised at the level of help she needed I called home care and they did an assessment of her saying she is experiencing dementia that could be drug induced.Meanwhile I looked for a lodge where home care was on site and would help her up to 4 hours a day.

The Doctor began weaning her off the Ativan at -.5 mg per month. It took a year to take her off it. During this time I spent approx. 1 night every week in emergency with her having dizziness and falls (the main reason the Dr. wanted her off the Ativan).

My sisters would visit her on occasion and tell her she could have if she wanted. It made her unstable, created swallowing issues, memory issues, anger issues and so on.

They still say she should be on it and tell her she has the right to be on it as she is her agent. Mom was angry all the time about her situation and many things I knew nothing about.

The harder I tried the more controlling and mean she became. Finally the home care and her Dr did an assessment and said she was experiencing dementia. The family says she does not have dementia and I am not to use that word when speaking about her.

It is a year since she is off the Ativan and the dizziness has stopped, she is swallowing and eating solid food and her mind is somewhat clearer. The doctor has also cut the Zoplicone in half. The doctor has stopped weaning her off her drugs.

I cannot talk to my family about her in any way as it becomes a side show with accusations, criticisms and displays of anger. There are degrading comments made in reference to my caregiving, my ability and my control.

In the near future her money for her care will have a shortfall (shortfall is mainly her share 30% of her massive drug bill). Mom plays us against each other to get what she wants with 0 respect for any of us.

The sister in Vancouver says she will take her and she can live in her basement suite. My sister works and my mom cannot do stairs. Even if she put a stair lift in her dizzy spells would be unsafe for her at the top of the stair well.

She knew mom was going to move but never searched out a subsidized facility. She presented mom with a suite suite in Vancouver that would cost $4,000.00 a month plus costs for her care (mom doesn't have the income level and needs the government subsidies). She has no subsidies in BC.?????. Then took off to another country to live for 6 months.

What does support, respect and acceptance mean?? I wouldn't know as I have not experienced it! My husband was supportive in the beginning but it weighs on him and he gets upset when they come here and behave as described above.

I have no control over anyone and I don't want control. I just want to do what is needed to make sure mom has her health, physical, mental and financial needs met. I have not even touched the tip of what is happening here. Signed