“If You Love Her, Buy Her A Gun”; ‘Clobbering Time!’ (2000)
(this kind of thing happens all the time in Ottawa…)

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CSN:AFU Week Twenty-One

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How To Lose 10lbs In Two Days, Plus: Boobies!

Two-Hundred and Fifty-Eight sex-starved… Britons (I’m assuming) found my site this week by searching for some variation of “Home Secretary Jacqui Smith Cleavage”. After the non-explosions in London and Glasgow last week, British HS Smith gave a “we’re all in this together” speech in Parliament. Totally new on the job, HS Smith, on that day, decided to wear something a little low cut in the front. I’m sure she didn’t realize that the only camera in Parliament which films these occasions was across and slightly above her. All this to say, and I hate quoting myself, but… “she looked like she had someone’s ass tucked into her shirt”.

Now, at least one other blog decided that this observation was sexist. That, surprise, HS Smith has breasts and they shouldn’t be noticed. But it’s all aboot decorum. If Gordon Brown, the newly appointed Prime Minister, had stood up wearing an open shirt and flashed a bit of his Scots-Man Boobs, that would have been silly as well. Anyway. I’m pretty sure the two incidents are not connected but every hour on the hour from 3am until 1pm on Friday, and several times thereafter, I was insanely and violently ill. I lost almost ten pounds in two days, my voice is shot and it feels like someone’s been kicking my ribs for two days. As far as I can tell I never had a fever… anyway, scroll down for my “Vomiting Tips”.

1) CSN:AFU Monday’s Top Three News Stories — July 02/072) Six Canadian Movies You Need To See That Don’t Suck — Part Four: Ginger Snaps3) CSN:AFU Week 20 In Review4) Canada: Where Only The Natives Drink The Brown Water OR After 73,000 Days Of Being Ignored They Finally Take One Of Their Own5) Six Canadian Movies You Need To See That Don’t Suck — Part Three: Heavy Metal

Honourable Mention: The Five Things You Need To KnowAboot The Canadian Movie Industry

The last thing you want to be doing… while throwing up is staring at a pubic hair and wondering if it’s yours and if it really matters. I’ve never understood why people throw up into toilets. When was the last time you cleaned your toilet? Now, when was the last time you used your toilet? Now, suddenly you have to vomit, is there time to clean the toilet before you use it as a receptacle for your breakfast, lunch and dinner? Probably not. So where? You can’t use the sink, the drain is too narrow for the chunks and it’s too shallow so there’s all kinds of “blowback”. How aboot a bucket? No, you have to clean a bucket when you’re done being sick. And that sucks.

I don’t understand why people don’t blow their chunks into the bathtub. It’s self-cleaning if you turn on the tap as you’re dropping to your knees in porcelain prayer, the drain is large enough for the pizza crusts from three hours ago — plus, and this is cool, if you turn the shower on the cold water on your hands and head really makes things better in a way I can’t even describe… and it’s all clean. No pubic hair, no aroma of urine to contend with, no closeup examinations of the underside of the lip of the bowl, no wondering aboot the stains… just a wide open, pristine, gigantic bowl to aim at and cool, refreshing and cleansing water pouring over the back of your head.

Honestly, why limit yourself to such a small target as a toilet? The last thing you should be thinking aboot at that point is aiming… especially aiming into something men only occasionally hit. Think aboot it… I believe, in the long run, you’ll thank me.

Tits and vomit… I can actually feel the credibility bleeding away.

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This Weeks New Posts:

CSN:AFU Monday’s Top Three News Stories
— July 02/07Scooter Libby kind of set free, the arrest of suspects in the near-misses in Glasgow and London and a report confirming another Canadian soldier was killed by an American in Afghanistan… Jesus Christ, we’re wearing the same fucking uniforms, what does that make… something like, out of 66 total dead, aboot 20 Canucks have been killed by American “Friendly Fire”. I think the most interesting story from last Monday was the impromptu meeting between Putin and Bush. That was very weird.

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Six Canadian Movies You Need To See That Don’t Suck — Part Four: Ginger SnapsEasily the best teen-horror movie ever made, and definitely the only one I can think of marketed straight at young girls. And there’s lots of blood… buckets of blood, which is fine, there being buckets of blood in the human body and all…

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Next Week:

When I Can Stand Again I’ll Think Of Something.

Maybe I’ll finally get that Global Warming thing done…

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If you find a broken link, or the YouTube stuff isn’t loading
properly, let me know and I’ll find an alternative…
I’m Canadian, it’s what we do. Off the ice.

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About Gabriel

I’ve lived in fifty-two places. I've been paid to pick stones out of fields, take backstage photos of Britney Spears, and report on Internet privacy issues. My photos have been published in several newspapers, and a couple of magazines.