Rambling Thoughts…Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. ~Henry David Thoreau

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Have you ever had an idea for your life that burns so strong that you think it might rip you apart at the seams if you don’t throw yourself into it? Well, let me just say that I hope with all of my heart that if that idea comes you have the opportunities to make it happen. Trust me, if you don’t have the opportunity to run for it – it eats you alive. You are consumed with it and nothing compares.

Photography is my all consuming “idea.” I have such a great passion for it. I spend countless hours taking photographs, spilling over books, watching web-tutorials from other photographers, work my way through fashion magazines for inspiration….it just goes on and on…but currently…there’s no realization to the “idea.” I have to sit and wait. I have to gather my knowledge and practice, but not go head first into it like I want. I am on the edge of limbo. Constantly trying to keep my balance. It almost makes me physically sick to see others in their success in forge ahead with their businesses. I know that I can do it. I have talent, drive and passion.

I just need that passion to not eat me alive. Anyone want to give me money to fund my “idea?”

Do you ever have moments where you just don’t understand where life is taking you? I have more than moments; I have days/weeks/months. I’m wandering through limbo waiting for the light to be shined in the direction that I’m supposed to be going. Whatever happened to knowing you’re on the right track? Have I ever felt that way….

Honestly, things are fine. I’m not completely lost, just waiting. constantly waiting. In all of my years, I’ve tried to seek out the purpose of my life…but does anyone know truly that they are on the right path? Is there just contentment? or true understanding?

I am considering several things on several levels. Serving others in true humility, serving myself in true enlightenment of self, and battling the desire for the gold and riches. It’s a really unique time in my life. I have wonderful things happening and still the need to move forward and towards something.

I know that this seems like just a bunch of repeating myself and ramblings…however, if you have the time I’m always willing to have someone to discuss my thoughts with…and perhaps your insight with be insightful.🙂

I feel like my whole life is a constant lesson about patience. I have learned that God’s timing is not my own. He is awesome always, but even more so when I finally take off the shoes and wait for He has planned….but how do you strike the balance between being pro-active towards your desires and being patient? I don’t want to be entirely passive in my life. I want to be pushing forward towards a goal…wait…I HAVE to be pushing forward towards a goal to feel even remotely happy.

Honestly, the battle with myself over being goal orientated and having patience is a harsh one. I have always needed to have a goal that I’m pressing forward to, even if it changes from day to day. Currently, I’m hanging by a tread about to fall into a deep depression. I’m in limbo land for like the next entire year. If only I could get a distraction. Distraction = job/career. I ask my sweetheart and friends to just tell me what my “goal” is…as though if they would tell me anything I would just go with it. I have so many ideas and they always seem to be blocked off from me securing them as realistic goals.

Here are the list of goals that I could with God’s help and will go towards. Which do you see as being viable or which do you see as being more achievable? Or just pick one and pray. Or just pick one and tell me that’s what I should tell myself is my goal for this year…or more.

* Teaching – I made a valiant attempt at getting a teaching job for this Fall. I completed everything I was suppose to and spoke to the people I was suppose to…but alas, I do not have much hope left that I will be teaching in a few short weeks. BUT you can pray….

* Photography – This is my joy. This is my future in some portion, somehow, someway. I now have a set of photos, I have such strong emotion towards that I would present them to even to most important people. Sure, I have some that I would hide away from them…but overall I feel as though I have a strong set of beautiful photos. I just don’t know what direction to take with them. I had been on the track to pushing forward with my own “portrait” business, but honestly…it just demands/needs more money to put towards it. I could do it successfully, I believe with some capital. However, without the money…I feel inclined to push more towards Art photography which doesn’t really require a time line to be successful – but also makes no money, unless you are published – even then, you need to be published WELL with BIG players (magazines, galleries, etc). I could be content with that, if I could get over the making money issue. – I even considered how to get into Fashion photography and dreamed about hiring my little sister be my make-up artist in years to come. I love aspects of Fashion photography (including the money, if you are good). I’m not particularly fashionable, but fashion photography always pushes the boundaries on creativity. It allows you to be out of the box. It would mean I would never do a posed studio family shot – saying cheese – ever. :) Anyone know anyone that has any connections with any thing photography related? lol. I would basically be a second shooter, a photographer for events, a photographer for a magazine or newspaper…or just a photographer for a model for trade of DVD of photos. So yes, I’m in a limbo with my photography, as well. Any thoughts on the subject or constructive critique of my photography is welcomed…even if you want to tell me I’m not good and haven’t produced anything you’d pay to look at or own…lol.🙂 I might tell you to get lost and you’re crazy…but I’ll listen.

*Another office position – even typing it makes me cringe. I have some how lost all ambition to do office work, ever again. However, I’m very very good at it. I have always been the rock star of all things office manager-y or bookkeeper-y. I can multi-task like a maniac. I’ve applied for several UT jobs and am even set to start their UT-Temp program (temp work). I could also, sell my soul, and start applying to more craigslist ads for an office job that gets paid crap, but gets paid.

*Maybe a Nanny position? I like kiddos. I’m good with kiddos. I’m very responsible and have already raised two siblings.

*Starting a business on Etsy more seriously with Melissa. – We’ve discussed this in the past, but never really had time to make a go of it. If you don’t know what Etsy is…go to Etsy.com. We have lots of ideas of things we can create and sell…and more that we could come up with….I love the idea, but have to actually put energy towards it and some money (but not much).

*Be an awesome little house fiance (wife – October) and just do substituting. This one is more likely to be what happens, but it’s not really a goal…it has no end result…

So let me know your thoughts, if you have any…Lissie…since you are my only reader. lol. Love you.

So where do I start…with anything…I want do a list…let’s see how that goes:

Main topics:

1. Wedding 2. Moving 3. Student Teacher 4. Wisdom Teeth

These are the four bigger things on my mind. I have other things going on as well…but here we go:

Wedding –

We have the location of the venue and the reception booked. – check I have a GORGEOUS dress hanging in the closet – check We bought the invitations – check We are doing the required pre-martial counseling. – check

Now, let me expand on those items. We are going to have the ceremony at Central Presbyterian Church downtown and the reception at our church, St. David’s across the street. We had to have the ceremony at CPC, because of the current cannons on the book that define and restrict marriage at St. David’s. Our wonderful Rector reached out to the pastor at CPC to marry us. It’s very sweet and both locations are amazing. The reception is going to be held at a wonderful outside garden area at St. David’s. It’s called “The Labyrinth,” because it has an elaborate stonework maze like pattern. It’s hard to explain, but it’s wonderful. We are going to decorate it with all fall themed items….wheat, pumpkins, squashes, perhaps a few hay bales, apples, dried leaves, candles hanging from the steel rafters, etc.

Wedding dress – gorgeous! I am so excited to have everyone see me in this dress. It is definitely “the one.” If you know me, you know that I don’t wear dresses. I didn’t know that I would find a dress I’d be SOOO happy with. It’s form fitting?! I usually hide my body shape, but this dress just makes me look sooo wonderful. It’s a taffeta gown in off-white. It ties up in the back and….goodness…This dress makes me feel like it’s real. There’s a wedding in October….and we’re gonna look awesome!🙂

Moving –

GRRR. So all that sweet happiness I just typed…is going to be used up in this venting. We have to move again! I have moved every year for 5 years. I’m so tired of moving…and I was just getting really settled in here, however they are raising our rent $100 bucks a month! It’s just not fair. I know life is not fair, but dang it. We keep bouncing back and forth about home buying, but our future is just so flexible and probably in two years we will be moving out of state. So…we’ve gone apartment shopping….we have two options that would work, with lots of “ifs.” By the end of this month, we should have a clearer idea of which options are doable. Another June moving is soo annoying. hot, hot, hot. Last year, it was 106 degrees. Another thing is that Natalie, my sister, might come to live with us…and that would mean, we’d need a bigger place for her to have a room and for us to have an office. So many stresses….

Student Teaching –

I’m finished and sad to not have a “job” to go to anymore. I will be back to substituting as soon as my teeth have healed (more about that later). I have applied to currently 7 jobs? I would LOVE to have a job. I am very excited to have my own classroom. I am fired up for the challenge. I have passed all of my exams and only have to wait for paperwork, now. The student teaching experience was very worth it.🙂

Wisdom Teeth –

I FINALLY got my wisdom teeth taken out. I am finally getting my teeth healthy. With the new dental insurance, I was able to go to a great dentist. I am very excited to not ever have the mouth pain that I had last year. I’m sitting on the couch now…waiting happily to heal. 🙂

Anyway…is there anything you guys want to know more about or have questions or comments? I’d come back to blogging if I had readers. *hint* *hint*

I know what you are thinking….BUT, WHY?!…you don’t post to your personal one enough! Well, I’ll keep posting at my normal rate on here as my heart desires – but, this new blog has been requested by people and I’ll happy to try it out for a while. I’m always up for a challenge.🙂