Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I'm from eastern Ontario, and I've lived in upstate New York (as upstate as you can get), but despite spending most of my life in that area I've never once been to New York City.

Toronto. Montreal. Vancouver.

San Francisco, Los Angeles, Detroit, Washington D.C., Seattle.

London, Dublin, Edinburgh, Paris, Munich, Amsterdam, Venice, Rome.

Tokyo.

All over the world, but never to New York City.

Well kids, all that is going to change tomorrow. I will be in New York City for 4 hours tomorrow. At JFK. On a layover between San Francisco and Burlington, VT.

My mother is having a surgery to tie off a third brain aneurysm. Her first surgery was last July, which Emily and Erin and I all flew out for while Emily was still on maternity leave. Her second was scheduled for October, and I flew out on my own, leaving Erin and Emily home with Disneyland Grandma who came up to help out. That surgery was canceled while my mother was in the hospital bed getting ready to be wheeled in to the operating room; the scar from the first surgery hadn't quite healed enough for the surgeon's liking, so they canceled it.

Well, I got to spend a few days visiting my mother and my sister; but I also blew a ton of cash on the flight, hotel, and rental car that time around.

It stung a bit, especially because Emily had just gone back to work a few weeks earlier and we were coming off of a long stretch with no income and a new baby. So, when the surgery was rescheduled for just before Thanksgiving (American Thanksgiving, in November, for all of you Canucks reading this), I really couldn't see how we would swing another trip. So I didn't go.

Because it's the Universe, and the Universe is perverse....

...my mother suffered a stroke during the surgery.

My sister e-mailed me in the middle of the night, and after I called her back and found out what happened I freaked out.

My mother was absent, isolated and trapped in her body, and my sister was on her own. Not that there weren't other family members nearby, but she didn't have me there.

She doesn't like me much, but I am her big brother :}

After a couple of days of mediocre news ("she moved her arm; she looked at me when I was talking to her") I couldn't stand it any more. I told Emily I had to go, and Emily geared up for being a single, working, mom for a few days while also being slammed at work. She was a superstar, and I love her for that.

I flew out to Burlington to see my mother laying in a hospital bed, barely aware of what was going on around her or who was there. Because I'm mean, I didn't tell my sister I was coming; I just showed up at the hospital. I wanted to see the look on her face, and she didn't disappoint. She was really glad to see me.

The next day, my mother was a little spacey, but could talk in sentences and move her arm and leg. By the third day she seemed mostly okay, although still lacked some dexterity in her hand and some stability in her leg.

I like to think that it's because both of her kids were finally there that my mother recovered so quickly. It was rapid, and exponential improvement. When I finally went back home she was being moved to a rehab center where they expected her to spend a few weeks relearning how to use the muscles in her arm and leg, and recovering mental acuity.

Instead, she was only there a couple of days. Her progress was that quick.

When Emily, Erin and I went to visit over Christmas there was very little evidence that she had ever had a stroke. I kept thinking about the first time I saw her in the hospital and how helpless I felt, and how worried I was. And seeing her back to normal was intensely gratifying. Because, irrational as it is, I felt a mountain of guilt that I hadn't flown out for the surgery in the first place, as though my absence was the cause of the stroke.

All of that is a long way of saying that I won't be missing her surgery this time.

And until Sunday night Emily will be a single working mom again. Erin will be in daycare Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and I hope that she does better there than she has been doing at the gym the last few times I've gone. She's developed a pretty strong separation anxiety when I try to go work out, and twice now I've just given up and taken her home instead of exercising.

So send Emily some good thoughts this week. She has begun her very own blog over at Trademark Mama, and she's smarter than I am, so stop by and let her expand your mind. I think her latest post is about boogers.

I grew up in the shadow of one of the greatest cities on this earth and never went.

I grew up on Long Island and never went to NYC until I met my husband and he took me to see Candlebox. We'd drive to Brooklyn to see his father and when I go to visit my parets on L.I., we drive through to get to Staten Island to see his parents....but we never actually spend time there.

Hope you have a safe journey so you can be there when your mom comes through surgery without complications!

My dad had a stroke when he was 15 years ago, when he was 49. I understand the guilt you're talking about when you say you struggled with the idea that maybe your mom wouldn't have had one had you been there. My dad was alone for several hours after experiencing his, thus shutting the door on some of the reversal procedures that could have been possible. It completely changed the Dad I knew my entire life up to that point, and all these years later, the guilt still can jab me.

Hey, there's a downer to end on! Good job, me! Next time I'll talk about pets my parents told me "went to live on a farm...yeah, that's right...a farm."

Seriously, nothing but good thoughts for all of you and the medical professionals helping your mom as you get through these next few days.

Good luck! It all sounds a little scary, but at least you'll be there.

Emily and Erin will do great. It's sort of a little secret that as much as I miss Josh when he goes out of town, things also go a little more smoothly (except the missing him). And we are always so excited by the time he gets back.

About 5 years ago when I was living in LA, my mom broke her leg. I elected not to go visit because my 2 brothers and nurse sister-in-law were there and well a broken leg just needs to heal right. Money was also tight but when is it not? I found out later that my mom really missed me and wanted me to be there but was too proud to ask. I felt so immature for not prioritizing her and it's helped me make quicker decisions later in family crisis. Just wrote this to say I understand and hope things go well with your mom this week.

Second, my mother had a brain aneurism about 10 years ago and reading your post brought me right back to that time..it was terrifying. I can absolutely relate to the guilt and the feeling of helplessness.

Third, I live in Burlington, VT! And I assume that your mother is having her surgery at the hospital there, which is where I work (well, I work in a building attached to it).

Yikes! Good thoughts and well wishes to your mother. I know how upsetting and stressful that is, my mother had surgery and a stroke and I wasn't able to go help out at all..both parents in the hospital at the same time, not fun. I hope it all works out well and I'll be sending good thoughts your way.Stacie

I'll totally be thinking of you and your family. That recovery is amazing but being someone who worked in a physical rehab for years, I cannot say enough about the healing aspects of love and family support.

Good luck to all, but a 4-hour layover in JFK does not qualify as a trip to NYC. Maybe if you had six hours, that would be enough time to grab a respectable pastrami sandwich (Katz's would be my pick) and still get through security in time to make your flight...