Deli Guy: So my wife's birthday is coming up on Saturday. I planned a trip Upstate, you know, 3 days just to get away as a present. I tell her last night to start packing because I had a big suprise for her. Immediatley she starts screaming at me 'What!? What!? Where are you taking me!? I'm not going! You can't make me go! Where are you taking me!?'. Bitch is crazy.

Woman #1: .. But they had to have a reason to kick you out!Woman #2: No! I mentioned that I thought Austria was just short for Australia. They somehow took that as a perfectly good excuse to make me leave.

Teenage girl: Do you like know where the chocolate shells are?Employee: For ice cream?Teenage girl: Umm yeah I guess its like.. a like.. chocolate shellEmployee: Probably at the end of the frozen aisleTeenage girl:OH-EM-GEE I like can't believe I passed it like twice!

Lady: Babe, move the cart there's people trying to walk by!Man: Don't talk to me in that tone of voice, you're embarrasing me in front of my friends.Lady: What friends!?Man: Excuse me, sir, what's your name?Mark: Mark.Man: My new friend Mark here doesnt like you talking to me like that.Lady: Oh, please! Go wait in the car, you're being a moronMan: ... And she wonders why I drink.

Dude: Hey man, how's your vibe tonight?Cashier: HeyDude: Hey man, I said how's your vibe, man? You're in New York, man!Cashier: Not too bad, how about yourself?Dude: I'm living the American dream, man. This is my first week in New York, man. I gots the chills down my spine, you dig?Dude: Haha, yeah. Where are you originally form?Dude: California. Been there all my life, I just aint feelin' it anymore you hear me babe?Cashier: Sure. Take care of yourselfDude: Aw man, that's great. You New Yorkers, man, great vibe, great vibe. I LOVE THIS PLACE, BABY! Peace!Cashier: Later

Cashier: That will be $19.71Old Hippie: 1971? Wooaaahh!! I was still in Vietnam back then!Cashier: Really? Wow. Here's your change, have a good night.Old Hippie: Good night? BOOM!! BOOM!! AAAHHH!! Haha.. Yeah, I teach you a thing or two about a good night in Vietnam. Next time though, my wife is in the car.

And there were two guys at the Wal-Mart in Islandia spouting some pretty offensive stuff. Let's just say when I walked in, they were debating what to do with my nipples. They were either high or drunk. Commenting on every woman that walked in there. I had to laugh though when the one really racy dude was commenting on an oral sex experience he had two nights ago...one of the women in line could not back up further away from him. She amused me. But yeah, that was a seriously bad case of overheard-on-Long-Island.

Old Man: "He took one of my model cars and smashed it against the wall, burst up into 1,000 pieces! So I took my bow and arrow and got 'em right in his eye. Mother wasn't having it, so I joined the Army."

Disheveled Looking Man: I'm taking everybody to White Castle! My treat! Chicken rings for everyody!Employee: Sir, once again we're going to have to ask you to leave. Next time we're calling the policeOther Employee: I wonder if he's serious...