Sunday, January 09, 2005

The Enemy Within

I was reading Sarah's Babeland blog (she has Hodgkins as well.) She mentions finding lumps. Which got me thinking about how Hodgkins has turned my body into a vaguely alien landscape. Or at least a landscape invaded by aliens.

When I was diagnosed I had a cluster of lumps nestled in the base of my neck, just above my collar bone. Like a cluster of grapes. I would feel it and think, 'This is cancer.' It was me/not me. It was the enemy within. The alien. It was lethal. The anti-pregnancy.

I wanted Bob to feel it, but I was also afraid that if he did, I would become contaminated in his eyes and that he wouldn't want to touch me. But irrationally, I made him do so. (And he has never, ever made me feel contaminated. For awhile he treated me as if I was a little fragile, but he has hugged and smooched like always. Bob clearly believes you should hug early and often.) I don't know why it was so important to me that someone other than the doctors, that Bob know what it felt like, but it was.

I check on them sometimes. I'll go a few days, maybe a week, and then I'll check so often that I get sore. Some people's lumps are gone after treatment 2, but mine are still there after treatment 3. The doctor asked me, 'Are they smaller?' and I answered him honestly that I didn't know. I think so. But I'm not sure how much is wishful thinking. And then there's scarring from both the chemo and the biopsy.

Sometimes, a couple of days after chemo, they hurt. This is a good sign, the doctor tells me. They are dying, I think, fused and melted like the skin of a burn victim. The 94% cure rate for Hodgkins helps. I can go days without thinking about them. But it is very strange.

About Me

I'm a writer with four novels and more than two dozen short stories published. The best known is probably my novel China Mountain Zhang. A collection of my short stories, called Mothers and Other Monsters, was published by Small Beer Press in July '05.

Chrononaut Log David Moles smart and funny observations. Actually, what I really love about his log is
the design, which fills me with envy.

Pen in Hand I've known Karen for years, but didn't know that in addition to being a writer and a journalist and a volunteer at the local
raptor center, she is also a beautiful illustrator. The most beautiful blog I follow.

Austin Kleon It seems absurd to talk about this blog without including any images, but lets just say it's fun, sharp and graphical.

Not a Journal (Except Now It Is) If this were a blog, it would be about Small Beer and Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet, except it's not
a blog. Except it really is.