Damn Fundamentalist Christians are a small splinter group that have discovered the full teachings of Christ and will happily share their secret with you for only ten easy payments of $9.99 - terms and conditions may apply.

The true way to God has been revealed to us through the name of the Fundamentalist Christians.

Fun ( Fundamentalist Christians )

First comes the Fun. That's right, have fun. God want's you to be happy but not too happy ( for then you'd be gay and he'd have to burn you or smite you or something ).

Fundament ( Fundamentalist Christians )

Although other religions have queued round the block to take a piss, Christians have been charged with the duty of maintaining anal cleaniness. ( Quoting from Proverbs: "For it is easier to pass through the eye of a needle than though a bottom clagged with winnits." ) The chosen must be ready for The Rapture with a sparkly clean anus at all times because Ian will be checking.

dament (Fundamentalist Christians )

Dament is because fundamentalist christians are too posh to curse properly. dament!!
another lame excuse is that it's a conjunction of damn and it once again, they're just posh bastards.

It really does help - think about it; if you were sane, you would know the truth lies in his Noodly Appendages. A sunny disposition, coupled with an obsessive conviction that anyone different from you is unspeakably evil, will let Ian know that you are ready to meet God.

Lists - ( Fundamentalist Christians )

Can you account to God for your actions? Do you know what's in every drawer in your house? If you were mental, you'd have a list. None shall share God's cubicle unless it's all accounted for - so when you make soup write it down, remember Ian will be checking.

and at the End of Days the Ians will come - Ian Jenkins to judge the people, Ian Barlow to carry the chosen to heaven and Ian Watts because there were 3 spaces.Ian McKellen too shall appear to guide the righteous towards the Grey Havens and the skeptics to the Crack of Doom (commonly known as Rosie O'Donnell's gaping vagina).