2018/05/13

LOSS

Do you know that feeling when your life is just falling apart and everything you can do is stand there and watch? I would consider myself a being of habit, as most of us probably are. I love to have everything planned out and organised. I like to have security and feel in control over what's happening. And up until now, I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

The only problem is when things happen that I can't control. And those things happened quite a lot recently. Life is sometimes a real bitch. It hits you the hardest when you're already struggling and unexpectedly changes course when you feel like everything is finally falling into place.

One of those major changes in life that nobody can really control and little to nobody can handle is losing people. I always try to believe that you meet people for a reason and that not everybody is meant to stay in your life. So when people leave, I know that it's alright and it has to happen this way. You learn from it and, no matter how hard it seems at the time, you have to move on. Usually, it's for the best. You deserve to be around people who want to be there for you and want to be part of your life, so everybody who's not ready to commit to that, probably shouldn't be there. It sounds really sad, but life goes on and eventually, you'll get over it and move on to better things.

The other scenario is losing people to death which is, by far, worse. It's the kind of loss you'll have to live with forever. There's rarely a presentiment to that so when it hits you, it'll hit you hard. I've considered myself quite lucky to rarely have had to deal with this sort of things. Up until this year where it happened way too often. And people keep on saying that it'll get easier over time and that "that's just part of life", but you know what, it's f*cking hard and hearing this isn't making it any better. It doesn't get easier over time. It stays with you forever. And every time something similar happens, everything keeps on flashing back. It's the kind of thing you never forget. And it's one of the things everybody has to go through alone. Of course, you can (and should) talk to people about it and grieve, but at the end of the day, you'll lie alone in your bed thinking and rethinking about all the moments you shared with that person. You wake up and all the memories are accompanying you through your everyday life, as vivid as ever. And it doesn't go away. The only thing that changes is that at one point, you continue to live with it. The pain becomes part of your daily life to a point where you don't even realise it's there anymore. But it'll stick around forever.

You know what is the worst thing about it? There's no real escape. No matter how little you want to hear all those "comforting" phrases, people are right when they say that death is a natural part of our life. And at some point, we'll all have to deal with it.

The only thing you can really do is try to get the maximum out of the present. Spend time with your family and all your beloved ones. As much as you can, because you never know what can happen. You never know when it's going to be too late. And believe me when I say, there's no worse feeling than regret when it happens. I speak out of experience.