Happy Monday, y’all! I hope you all had gluttonous and drunken Thanksgivings, just as the Pilgrims intended.

On Saturday night after falling asleep circa 10 p.m. while attempting to research for a paper (RAGEEEEE), I had a really disturbing dream. There’s this newsletter that I’m supposed to be writing for one of my internships, and it’s been hanging over my head for months and stressing me out on a regular basis. I needed to get it done, oh, in September, so every time I think about it I get heart palpitations and feel like a bad person. Such a bad person, I guess, that in my dream I hired SARAH PALIN to help me finish the newsletter. SARAH. PALIN. I know what you’re thinking: “Mallory, she was a journalism major, and she did just write a book, in only a few months. The talent!” To which I counter with a very serious “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” The only good part about this dream was that I got to boss Palin around while she furiously took notes.

In other much, much better news, my mom sent me a really cute video the other day. I’m going to preface the video by telling you that you should not be expecting Beyonce-esque choreography here. The reason I love this video (and why I cried so much) is that it’s just a bunch of normal people having a ton of fun for a really good cause. How great is that?

Speaking of crying, I saw The Blind Side on Thanksgiving. I haven’t cried that hard in a movie since probably a few weeks ago, but guys it was BAD. I was with Kelsey and her fabulous roommate A.J., and Kelsey and I were legitimately making a scene. This means I’ve now seen at least four movies that made me cry so hard that strangers in the theater stared and made comments. Awesome. (UPDATE: This local DC blog has a pretty good guest post discussing The Blind Side and Precious. I saw Precious last Friday and holy jeebus, it was depressing. Good movie, but honestly such a bummer that I’m not sure I’d recommend it to many people.)

And to continue the stream-of-consciousness: A.J. is a really good dancer. One time, he did almost the whole Single Ladies dance while I awkwardly jumped around nearby. The other day, I asked him how long it took him to learn that dance, and he was all, “Oh, that? What do you mean? I didn’t ever really try to learn it. I was just having fun!” Sigh. Don’t you just hate some people?

This whole possible scandal with Tiger Woods has me scratching my head along with the rest of the world following the story. And yes, I know, none of this is any of my business and the media probably should give the guy and his family their privacy…but I can’t help but be intrigued.

Here’s the story as it’s being reported: Tiger was leaving his Florida estate at about 3:00 AM on Friday night/Saturday morning when he ran into a tree and a fire hydrant on his neighbor’s property. At some point, his wife took a golf club to the back of his SUV, allegedly to rescue him from the car because he was knocked unconscious in the wreck. The airbags of the SUV never deployed. He was then taken to the hospital with lacerations around his mouth and released in good condition.

Ok, let’s start a list of things that are strange about this story.

1. Why is Tiger leaving his home at 3:00 in the morning? While there could be a million logical explanations for this, he hasn’t offered up any so we are left to wonder. I would conclude he is either sneaking out of his house or he got in a fight with his wife and was bailing.

2. Apparently, if car airbags don’t deploy, the car probably isn’t going over 30 or so miles per hour. Do you really think that he would have been knocked unconscious going that slowly? Maybe, but it seems far fetched to me.

3. His wife was supposed to have knocked in the back window to rescue her husband. It seems far more likely to me that she may have been taking out her anger on the back window, especially if the infidelity rumors are true.

4. Tiger had cuts and lacerations around his mouth. Again, I’m not an expert, but how do you sustain those types on injuries from a car accident like this? It makes more sense that those cuts were inflicted by an angry wife.

5. The Woods family has refused to speak to the police or the media about the incident on several occasions. The media I completely understand, but the police? If they have nothing to hide, they’re certainly doing a great job acting like they do.

Tiger’s official statement leaves a lot to be desired for the wondering public. Tiger basically says he will not speak about the incident beyond the fact that he had a single car accident and his wife acted courageously. He says all the rumors are irresponsible and untrue.

I sure wish he would elaborate and I imagine this won’t go away unless he does.

UPDATE:

Tiger apologized for his wrongdoings on his website without going into specifics. So it looks like he’s a filthy cheater after all. Tiger, I expected more from you.

Thanksgiving is upon us yet again, and I’m currently at work hoping that we will soon get an email saying “LEAVE. NOW. EVERYONE. GOBBLE GOBBLE.” So far, no luck.

I was taking a look at my Thanksgiving post from last year, and I must say: not a whole lot has changed. I’m still thankful for all of that good stuff (like goat cheese and Michael Franti and not being pregnant). Yesterday in my Pilates class, while we were doing a move called “the teaser,” the instructor asked us to think only of things we were thankful for. No bad thoughts like “hot DAMN this is hard!” I thought that was kind of sweet.

This year I’ll be spending Thanksgiving here in DC with Kelsey and a couple other lovely people, and we are forgoing the traditional feast-and-family route in favor of Korean spas and fancy dinners. I’ll let you know how that goes.

While we’re at it, I’ve gotta confess: World, I am thankful for Jason Segel. Even though I’m very NOT thankful that he pulled this stunt at the Swell Season concert in LA rather than the one in DC. Asshole.

Eat lots of delicious things tomorrow, and be happy about all you’ve got going for you. Gobble gobble!