Monday, April 11, 2016

In March of 2016, Bishop Don Fletcher (the former bishop of the
Bay Ward here in San Francisco, and the bishop who called me to serve as his executive
secretary) delivered a talk at a Fireside here in the Bay Area.

The Fireside is part of an ongoing initiative by a group called
The Hearth, which sponsors and hosts events that build and strengthen an
LGBT-inclusive LDS community. I’m blessed to be part of a community of fellow Latter-day Saints involved in The Hearth, and blessed to know someone
like Bishop Fletcher.

Over the course of the past several years as I’ve worked deeply in
the Mormon community on the LGBT topic, I’ve had the chance to meet what I
think might be the absolute best humans to walk the planet. In fact, I secretly
suspect they might actually be angels in disguise—the depth of kindness, the
compassion, and the willingness to do what is right despite the consequences
are among just a few of the qualities these folks possess.

Bishop Don Fletcher is among the best of them. I hope you enjoy his words from the Fireside as
much as I did.

___________________________________________________________________

On His Blindness

by John Milton

When I consider how my light is
spent

Ere half my days in this dark
world and wide,

And that one talent which is
death to hide

Lodg'd with me useless, though
my soul more bent

To serve therewith my Maker, and
present

My true account, lest he
returning chide;

"Doth God exact day-labour,
light denied?"

I fondly ask. But Patience to
prevent

That murmur, soon replies:
"God doth not need

Either man's work or his own
gifts; who best

Bear his mild yoke, they serve
him best. His state

Is kingly. Thousands at his
bidding speed

And post o'er land and ocean
without rest:

They also serve who only stand
and wait.

Bishop Don Fletcher and his wonderful wife Terri.

In seventh grade, my English teacher gave our class the assignment
to memorize John’s Milton’s sonnet “On His Blindness”. Amazingly I still remember it verbatim, now
some 48 years later. Though I still have
it memorized, I am certain that I don’t fully understand it.

If I recall the situation correctly, in about the year 1650, Milton
had lost his sight and wrote this poem about aspects of patience with his
visual impairment which profoundly impacted his talent of writing. Interestingly, in seventh grade, I did not
have any idea that I would not only become an ophthalmologist, but that I would
also specialize in rehabilitation of the blind and visually impaired.

At this point in my professional career, I have personally cared
for over 25,000 visually impaired patients.
My comments today are going to merge my professional path with my
spiritual path, and touch on blindness issues as they relate to the LGBT
community.

I’ll start by admitting that I was actually “blind” myself, until
I was over the age of 50, when my brother came out to me as gay. While my
physical vision was perfectly fine, I was spiritually blind to and ignorant of the
issues and challenges LGBT individuals face.

Like the healed blind man in John 9:25, I can now say that through
gifts of the Savior – “one thing I know, that, whereas I was blind, now I see.”
I owe a great debt of gratitude to my
brother Bob and my good friend Mitch Mayne and the Lord for opening my eyes.

A few years ago, my brother contacted me and asked to meet. Bob
and I had always been close, so it didn’t really come as a surprise when he made
the request. But something unusual happened to me before that meeting. While I
don’t want to pretend to be in the same class as Joseph of Egypt, I had a dream
in which I had a vision that Bob was gay.

By the time the meeting took place, I was pretty certain what the
topic was going to be—and I was correct. While the dream was helpful in terms
of giving me revelation, it did something else that might even be more
important. By sharing the vision with Bob, he said, it made the whole coming
out process easier for him. Coming out is never easy—and it’s certainly not
easy when you’re a married man with a history of 50 years of living in the
closet. But that dream gave Bob an extra boost of courage that enabled him to
finally be his authentic self with me, and eventually with the rest of our
family. The revelation made it clear to Bob—and to me—that there was indeed a
grander hand behind all of this. That hand opened the doorway, and Bob—an authentic
Bob—stepped through to the other side.

While I am glad that I could be there for my brother, I am also profoundly
grateful for what that dream did for me.
The Lord provided that dream for me as a tender mercy, to smooth the
process for receiving the loving gifts of insight that my brother would open to
my understanding.

My brother Bob and Mitch Mayne have shared many great insights with
me over the years – Bob as a family member and Mitch as my executive secretary
when I was bishop of the San Francisco Bay ward. I estimate that the wonderful Bay ward may
have a larger gay membership than any other ward on the planet. While laboring in San Francisco, I would
occasionally become impatient with straight “gay unfriendly” people. I had to be gently reminded to give them a
break, that there was often little malice behind their opinions, but instead
blindness—not unlike my own.

We find ourselves now at another extremely difficult period of
time for LGBT members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Much of the great work we did with
reactivation of LGBT members in the Bay ward would now be much more
difficult.

But, the lens through which I would examine today’s circumstances
is perfectly expressed by Sonny in the wonderful movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: “Everything will be all right in
the end. And if it’s not all right, then it’s not the end.” With all my heart, I believe that applies to
our situation in the church today—it is not the end.

When we began our outreach in the San Francisco Bay Ward, one of
the mantras we adopted was a quote by Elder Jeffrey Holland, and one that is
still true today:

“…
some members exclude from their circle of fellowship those who are different.
When our actions or words discourage someone from taking full advantage of
Church membership, we fail them—and the Lord.” (October
2007)

Since I’m not as eloquent
as Elder Holland, I paraphrased his words to come up with a common mantra of my
own—and one that guided the work we did with the ward. That mantra was, “I
don’t care whether you are straight or gay, or whether you have stripes or
spots—you are welcome in our ward.”

With Mitch’s
help, I composed a quarterly hard-copy letter to every member on the ward records(including
those who were less active) and personally signed each and every one. In that
first letter, one of the things I wrote was this:

“In my tenure as a bishop and in the stake presidency, I’ve noted
many reasons members hold back from their faith. Some of them include:

Those who were offended by a crusty member or insensitive remarks

Those who are uncomfortable paying tithing, for whatever reason

Those who are gay or lesbian and struggle to understand how they
fit within the faith

Those who grapple with the Word of Wisdom or other compulsions

None of those reasons - or any other - should keep you away from
the faith you once called ‘home.’ Please
come back. We have a wonderful ward full
of diversity – you are welcome too. You
will be valued here and welcomed as part of our ward family. We meet in the chapel at Pacific and Gough at
9:00 a.m. on Sundays.”

I had the
opportunity to personally meet with dozens of LGBT members (and straight
members) who had become inactive for a variety of reasons. Many of them told me
that upon opening the letter, they were skeptical—yet they kept it, and it laid
on their desk or counter for several months. They would pick it up, reread it,
ponder it—and often summoned the courage to give me or Mitch a call.

Several times I
was asked, “Is this for real? Do you
really mean what you wrote? Am I really welcome at church?” I was always enthusiastic when I responded in
the affirmative—but inside, I quietly found it most distressing that so many
LGBT members expressed surprise to learn that they were welcome to participate
in the ward.

One memorable
story involved a returned missionary who had not attended church in many, many
years. His was a frequently heard
scenario. He assumed that serving a
mission as a 19-year-old would “cure” him of his gayness. It
didn’t.

So, San Francisco
became home and he found and committed to a wonderful partner with whom he

had shared
a close relationship for over 20 years.
As he started to attend our church meetings he felt something very warm,
wonderful and familiar return to his life.
His non-member partner noticed that he was significantly happier and
more satisfied with life, as well.

Liking what he
saw in his partner, the non-member of the couple inquired if it would be okay
if he attended also. I enthusiastically agreed,
and he was a great addition to our weekly meetings. He ended up taking the
discussions, reading the Book of Mormon and gaining a testimony that it was
true. We really should not be surprised
– the Book of Mormon is true. This couple moved across the bay, and they now
attend another ward that welcomes and supports them.

One of the things
I like best about holding the priesthood is the opportunity to use it a service
to others through giving them blessings. As a bishop, I was very generous in my
use of priesthood blessings. I always offered to give a blessing to all gay
members (and non-members).

I laid my hands
on the heads of many wonderful men and women, and the situations were all
remarkably consistent. My first impression, without exception, was
that I needed to tell this individual of the Lord’s love for them, right now,
exactly as they were. Every one of us
needs to know that, but especially those who are LGBT often feel
unlovable.

As a doctor, I have
seen blindness, ill health, and death. I
have done volunteer work in Asia and in Africa and in many impoverished areas
where I have seen much suffering. But perhaps
the greatest human tragedy, with as great suffering as any I have seen, is in
those who don’t feel they are capable of being loved by the Savior just as they
are.

Many LGBT ward
members and many disconnected straight ally members returned to active
participation while we ministered in San Francisco. I now live in Wichita but Mitch and I
continue to have much passion for ministering to those who don’t feel the love
of the Lord in their lives. And while the formal ministry of our work in the
Bay Ward might, for now, be on hold, each of us continues to feel the call of
our Savior to do the work necessary to help our fellows see His hand in their
lives, and feel His love.

Carol Lynn Peason

One of the people
who I most respect on this planet is Carol Lynn Pearson. She was asked to write a song for the
children’s hymnbook dealing with disabilities.
She has told me that, although a child in a wheelchair is pictured in
the primary song book, she has always seen this as applicable to our members
who are LGBT, as well.

If you
don’t walk as most people do,

Some
people walk away from you,

But I
won’t! I won’t!

If you
don’t talk as most people do,

Some
people talk and laugh at you,

But I
won’t! I won’t!

I’ll walk
with you. I’ll talk with you.

That’s how
I’ll show my love for you.

Jesus
walked away from none.

He gave
his love to ev’ryone.

So I will!
I will!

Jesus
blessed all he could see,

Then
turned and said, “Come, follow me.”

And I
will! I will!

I will! I
will!

I’ll walk
with you. I’ll talk with you.

That’s how
I’ll show my love for you.

(Children’s
Songbook #140)

That song proposes an easy doctrine for this group of people I am
addressing tonight, but there is perhaps a more difficult twist for us now. But even with the offenses of “visually
impaired” Latter-day Saint mortals, please do not feel tempted to walk away
from the Savior’s Church. In spite of what is said to us and around us, we need
to remember that this church is His.

Now, more than ever, we need His love and support—and He needs
ours. One way that we can show our love
for the Savior is by being long-suffering and patient with other members of His
Church.

I love the Lord Jesus Christ, and I know that He loves me. The doctrine of His Church that is rock solid
in my heart, and the cornerstone of that doctrine is His unconditional love for
each of us. And while I am mortal too,
and I can allow myself to get frustrated with how mortals fail to express and
demonstrate His love, in my heart I still know that His love for each of us is
universal, and we are infinitely valuable in His eyes.

When I get impatient and feel inclined to question, I think back
to my days serving as a missionary in England.
In addition to Milton, another passage I had memorized verbatim was
Joseph Smith’s rendition of the first vision.

In presenting the first discussion, I would retell it in the first
person, with much feeling. Every time I
told that story, I would feel the Holy Ghost bear witness that it really
happened as Joseph Smith described. I
have no question that it did. He was a
prophet, and the God of Heaven used him to restore His church to the
earth.

One of the things I like best about the Joseph Smith story is
learning that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father knew Joseph Smith personally,
and called him by name. Likewise, they know
each of our names and love and care for us personally. That is true, and as frustrated as I get at
times, I cannot deny it.

Like me, most members have a testimony of the first vision. At the
same time, it feels like many good people lack a vision of the place of LGBT
individuals in the Lord’s church.

So, what are we to do?

Here, I will make another movie reference. I am a Rocky Balboa fan. In one of the sequels, the aging boxer Rocky
gives advice to the son he dearly loves.
His son is having difficulty getting his life together and he blames his
father’s shadow for his problems.

To that, Rocky says:

“Let me
tell you something you already know. The
world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows.
It is a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are, it
will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as
life.

But it
ain’t about how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep
moving forward. It’s how much you can
take, and keep moving forward. That’s
how winning is done.

Now, if
you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what your worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits,
and not point fingers and blame other people.
Cowards do that and that ain’t you.
You’re better than that!

I am
always going to love you, no matter what happens.”

This has tremendous relevance to our discussion today. In fact, I think there are a lot of
similarities between the LGBT community and prize fighters. Both are groups of people that get knocked
down a lot.

In all of the things Rocky said, of especial significance is this
line:

“If you
know what you’re worth, then go out and get what your worth.”

That is where we have the most critical need in our LGBT
ministering. We need to help all
internalize the label of “child of God” and “loved of the Savior” - that each
of us has great worth.

A critical factor in self-worth is the labels we allow to be
attached to us. As a physician, labelling
is also a critical factor in my professional life. And, I have learned that labels
have a lot to do with whether or not my patients are successful in low vision rehabilitation.
Let me tell you what I mean.

The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) coined a term almost a century
ago that has been a great disservice to my field as an eye doctor. It is the label “legal blindness.” If you cannot see a certain size letter on
the letter chart (20/200) you are labeled “legally blind.”

But people who cannot see below the 20/200 size letter generally
still have a good deal of remaining vision—they just need some
magnification. With the right devices
and training they can read the newspaper, cross the street, cook dinner and
answer emails on their computers. In
many cases, they live life just as normally as their perfectly-visioned
counterparts.

I would contend that more people are blinded by that inaccurate definition
than any eye disease known to man.
Labelling these people as legally blind is as preposterous as labeling someone
who is sick and in the hospital, “legally dead.”

In spite of timely and competent eye care, many people in America
lose vision with conditions like macular degeneration and diabetic
retinopathy. Here is the common scenario:

First, the patient loses vision, are told that there is no treatment
to restore it and that, by definition, they are now labeled legally blind. Goodbye
and good luck.

Then that patient finds their way to my office. By this time, they have internalized many negative
labels applied by trusted doctors and don’t believe there is any hope that I
can help them. Before I start the medical
rehabilitation process, I often have to rehabilitate their self-perception to a
degree, and in turn instill in them a little hope. In most cases, they are in
fact capable of living independent, productive and happy lives—but the way they
label themselves must change before that can happen.

So it was when I was bishop in the Bay ward. Helping rehabilitate people’s self-perception
was often the first order of business as I met with LGBT members. I had to change negative labels into positive
ones. Those included reminding them:

You are a loved child of God.

You are loved of God the way you are right now.

You are welcome in the Lord’s church the way you are right
now.

You are a good person.

You have great potential to do good and be good in this life.

You are here on earth now by design and it is no accident that you
are the way you are.

You are not alone.

You can become better and the Lord wants to help you to be your
best.

Disciplinary councils are also the source of many negative labels. I have been a bishop in three different
states, and I have served as a counselor in a stake presidency. Consequently, I have had lots of experience disciplinary
counsels and those interested in repentance and utilizing the atonement in
their lives.

If it were up to me, I’d rename the whole process. Instead of, “Disciplinary
Council” I would call it, “Proceedings for Atonement Application.” People that are “Disfellowshipped” need
anything but less fellowship. So I propose we change that label to, “Hyperfellowship
Candidates,” where they would be included first in every activity and invited
into the homes of their fellow members.

“Excommunication” is also a potently negative word. Microsoft Word gives me these synonyms for
excommunication: excluded, barred, ejected,
removed, expelled, thrown out. That’s not
a great list of positive labels. Here, I
would solicit your input—I would love to hear your ideas. So far on my short
list, I have “Reinvestigators” or “Lamb in Need of Lots of Love.”

I feel strongly that the Lord would have us as individuals and as
a church do much better than we have at blessing the lives of the at least
500,000 members of His church that are gay (using an exceedingly conservative
3% epidemiological estimation). We can
do so much more to relieve suffering with the truth of the Lord’s love for us.

So as I close tonight, let me summarize with a list of things I
hope you walk away with.

Let me summarize what I think is important:

Beware of Labels – avoid negative, embrace positive.

The most certain and positive label that can be applied to any of
us is “a loved child of God.”

Get up when you’re knocked down.
You are not beaten unless you give up.
It is a long fight but with the Lord in your corner, you will win.

Everything will be alright in the end.

Don’t walk away from the Savior.

Challenge yourself by asking the question, “What can I personally
do to relieve some of the suffering in this community?”

Let me close with a quote from our last general conference. This is from Sister Neill Marriott. Her talk was rich and powerful. Listen to her closing sentence:

“When we
offer our broken heart to Jesus Christ, He accepts our offering. He takes us
back. No matter what losses, wounds, and rejection we have suffered, His grace
and healing are mightier than all. Truly yoked to the Savior, we can say with
confidence, “It will all work out.”

There is much that the Lord would have us do. Don’t jump ship. Let the Spirit guide you as to how best to
use your time, talents and resources in the service of the Lord Jesus Christ. To
my mind, there is no greater cause that I want to be involved in than ministering
to LGBT Mormons – and to give sight to those who aren’t able to see the truth
of their own important place in the Lord’s eternal plan.

I bear testimony that He loves each and every one of us, in the
name of Jesus Christ, amen.