Tender Times of Transition and Transformation

This is a time of great transition and transformation in my life, some of which I can talk about and some I need to process a bit more.

My husband and I are divorcing.

It's been incredibly painful for me.

That's all I want to say about that at this time. I've always lived very transparently and I feel like the events of this year have made it necessary for me to be less open in this forum. Which felt a bit dishonest to me, so I just said... nothing. It's been a difficult time. There are some hard times in the immediate future as we negotiate the terms of our divorce, and as we transition our family into a new normal.

But there is also a lot of good stuff happening. I want to talk about my new little rental cottage and life as a single parent and the growth that happens when a child leaves for college and there is so much to tell you about graduate school.

Starting completely over at age 51 is terrifying and exhilarating and sad and joyful and confusing and empowering and just about every other emotion. It's a new journey and I'd like to share as much of it as I can.

Recently a really wonderful Truth has been shared on Facebook, and I can only paraphrase it.

Here goes my best effort:

I am not afraid to fail

because the person I will become

will be there to catch me

in her arms.

So much of life is becoming who we are, and the process of life drives it and helps us take a new form. I am also facing a great challenge; removing a sick person from my life, someone I have loved and nurtured, who has become toxic. I am in the stage of pre-mourning—still quite numb, feeling my body react with physical pain, while my head is trying to avoid thinking about it, and it is a tough place to be.

It sort of like a slow-motion panic attack. My body is insisting in bringing all old pain up and sorting through them to see where to store this new pain, how to deal with the fear that comes with it. It's taking all sorts of physical and emotinal symptoms. So I can only pray that what I have survived before will give me the will to survive again, and to some day give thanks for this new and terrifying abyss in my life.

You may relate to some of this, you may not. But let me say I share your pain in my heart and pray the right path opens in front of you, leading to the new you that will surpass all your presently are. Blessings, peace, and love, my friend.

Oh, dear. BTDT but I was much younger than you and had no kids. It was painful but worth it. Realize that you won't be "normal" again for a few years. You'll be surviving and you may even be happy, but this is a major life event and the stress will wear you down.

Oh, Barb.... So sorry you're having to go through this painful period. Thinking of you and the girls. Here's another song for you. It's been one of my favorites since I first heard Ferron sing it 25 years ago. And it for sure makes me think of you--your life, your strength, your future.... I'll include the lyrics, too.

Ferron's "Testimony" Lyrics:There's godlikeAnd warlikeAnd strongLike only some showAnd there's sad likeAnd madlikeAnd hadLike we knowBut by my life be I spiritAnd by my heart be I womanAnd by my eyes be I openAnd by my hands be I whole

They say slowlyBrings the least shockBut no matter how slow I walkThere are tracesEmpty spacesAnd doors and doors of locksBut by my life be I spiritAnd by my heart be I womanAnd by my eyes be I openAnd by my hands be I whole

You young onesYou're the next onesAnd I hope you choose it wellThough you try hardYou may fall preyTo the jaded jewelBut by your lives be you spiritAnd by your hearts be you womenAnd by your eyes be you openAnd by your hands be you whole

They say that if you're considering divorce, you should wait two years before filing--just to make sure that things don't ultimately get better. Because, really, the only real reason for divorce is infidelity, and some ppl are able to get past that (tho I wouldn't be able to do it). Prepare for a LOT of loneliness--it will be unexpected how lonely it will be.