September 13, 2010

10 Ways To Earn Trust In Your Relationship

Mistrust is a common problem in many relationships for many reasons: affairs, lies, jealousy, poor behavior etc. Once mistrust is present, it’s very difficult to get trust back. Without trust, many relationships won’t make it.

If you would like to earn back your partner’s trust, make sure you’re doing all the things below on a daily basis over a long period of time (several months minimum). Be certain that you are doing these things with a good heart and not from a place of resentment.

1. Be where you say you’re going to be. Don’t avoid a difficult conversation by omitting one of your stops on your journey. 2. Be on time or call well advance if you will be late. Even those times when you’re late make sure it’s reasonable. Coming home at 3am from a party your partner was nervous about in the first place is not reasonable.3. Be moderate with your reactions. If every time something happens you freak out, then your loved ones will avoid being honest out of fear of what you’ll do. Chill out, stay centered and don’t over-react.4. Answer questions without being defensive. If you’ve been caught in lies before, this one is especially important. Just answer the question asked without attacking the person asking it.5. Have nothing to hide. If you have nothing to hide, don’t act like you do. Allow your partner access to your phone, e-mail or whatever if you’ve broken trust. This won’t be necessary forever but is necessary after affairs.

6. Be honest—don’t tell half-truths, white lies or whole lies; lies will sink any relationship.7. Treat your partner with respect at all times and keep contempt out of your relationship.8. Be accountable for your mistakes, “edges” and imperfections. When you are accountable for your screw-ups it shows your partner that you’re willing to look at your mistakes and learn from them. If you seldom, if ever, acknowledge your mistakes, you leave your partner thinking you will never change. 9. Do not use your partner’s stories, vulnerabilities, or life circumstances as ammunition against them in fights or otherwise. If you use your partner’s vulnerabilities against them, they will no longer share them with you.10. If you’ve had an affair, be impeccable with your actions with others and your partner. Don’t make suggestive comments, be flirtatious or continue to have any kind of contact whatsoever with your affair partner. When your partner is feeling insecure stop being defensive and instead be reassuring and understanding.

Trust is vital in any relationship. If you’ve done something to shake the trust, then it‘s your job to earn the trust back by behaving in trustworthy ways. Do NOT expect your partner to trust you until you have proven yourself trustworthy.

If your partner has done nothing to harm the trust in your relationship yet you struggle with trusting them--work on yourself. It’s difficult to be with someone who is constantly questioning your integrity—especially when there’s no reason to. Jealousy is toxic to relationships—fix it.

CHALLENGE: If trust is an issue in your relationship, look at your part in this struggle. If you’ve lied, had affairs, made broken promises, used information from your partner as a weapon or done anything else that has breached the trust in your relationship, then you need to make sure you are impeccable in the 10 areas above. Earn the trust back by acting trustworthy or run the risk of losing your relationship.

If you have always struggled with being jealous in your relationships, then the issue is you. Get into help and work on your jealousy—it’s very unattractive and incredibly hard to live with.

Comments

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Dear Faty,
Be honest with him now and genuinely apologize for your lack of honesty with him before. Ask him if he'll give you a second chance to earn his trust. If he does, be honest going forward. If he refuses to give you a second chance then take what you've learned from this relationship to incorporate into any future relationships you have.
Nice job realizing where you went wrong and being accountable. That takes a lot of courage. Well done!
Good luck-Lisa

Hi there I have lied to my partner, now he says he can never trust me again but still loves me. He says he cant be in a relationship with meanymore but we are still under the same roof, he sayshe gunna set up spare room. how do I get him to trust me again. I love him to death.

I'm going to try this advice. I have lied to my partner a couple of times. But I have stop & change. But until now he doesn't trust me. He accuse me of everything. I need him to trust me. It's killing me inside that the man you love still don't trust after you proven so much.