Two very good friends of ours had their second baby on Monday. We see them all the time and are so excited for them. Yesterday, I picked up a slice of her favorite cake at a bakery and we went to visit them in the hospital last night. On the way, I was hoping that their family wouldn’t all be in the room when we got there. The husband comes from a very, um…fertile family. Lots of brothers and sisters, and about 27 nieces and nephews. (That may be a slight exaggeration.) I was pumped about seeing our friends and their new son, but just didn’t want Matt and I to have to be squished into a tiny hospital room with everyone’s kids. Thankfully, it was just us and we had a great time visiting. J told me about her c-section (I wanted to hear about it) and how the nurses have been and how uncomfortable the hospital bed is. I loved that we got to really share their joy with them. We love their 2 year old son, and look forward to watching their new guy as he grows. And I know that of all our friends, these two will be so excited for us when we get pregnant.

The only downside of the visit was the long walk down the hall when we left. The pink and blue bows on every. single. door seemed to jump out at me. Seriously, it was like one of those weird mirrors you’d see at a fair or something, where it makes you look big and blobby as you walk past it. I walked the rest of the way looking at the floor until we exited the baby factory.

So, even though I had to avoid looking at the doors and didn’t want to be in a room with lots and lots of little kids the day after our friends had their baby, no one can say I don’t get excited for people who have babies! I like babies, I have nothing against new babies! I just have to create space for myself to breathe when my throat starts to constrict. I may have to bow out now and then and walk the other way when I see a group of girls who are younger than me by several years who are all bouncing a baby on their hips. I also may need to skip church every now and then for that reason. Actually, there are other reasons too, but the baby thing gets hard sometimes. And speaking of a baby factory, my church is the #1 baby factory! A friend once said, “It’s like you don’t even have to have se.x to get pregnant, it just happens as soon as you start attending this church!” Oh if she only knew!

In other news, I’m still processing through a bunch of questions and issues surrounding IVF and related things like freezing of embryos, ICSI, etc. I’ve noticed that I’m relatively OK with this infertility stuff until I start thinking about and talking about IVF. I can’t even get into a conversation about it with M without crying. I was in my bathroom one day last week, wiping my eyes for the thousandth time after having a minor breakdown after a couple of days of thought and agonizing over the subject, when it hit me that I’d cried more those few days then I have in the last couple of months. The crying was triggered by the IVF talks. I’m not sure what that means, but I prayed right there in the bathroom, “God you have to rescue me from this. Whatever form that takes, rescue me from these agonizing questions and feelings of total helplessness.” Since then, I’ve basically pushed IVF out of my mind. When the what ifs start creeping in, I just shut them out. I don’t know how else to do it.

However, I have made progress in asking a few key people (both in real life and through blogs) why they chose to do IVF or not do it. These are people who I know have similar religious beliefs as me, so I feel their explanations may give me some wisdom and/or clarity. I’ve just accepted that this is a pretty new subject to me, and while I can read all the books in the world about it, I need to be able to gain wisdom from actual people who’ve dealt with it. This is an instance when I feel I do need outside help. It’s a decision for M and I to make on our own, but the decision needs to be an informed one.

Hope everyone has a nice 4th of July. I’m headed to the beach tomorrow after work and am looking forward to some relaxation that, for me, can only happen when in immediate proximity to water, sunscreen, beach towels, and sunshine.

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I’m sorry that you’re surrounded by babies these days, but it sounds like you are handling it the best that you can. IVF is scary, and I know for many religious beliefs play into these decisions. I do not personally have any advice to offer. I do know that a gal I met on message boards whose husband was a youth pastor made the decision to move forward with IVF. The key for her was that they decided to donate any leftover blasts to other couples struggling with infertility so that they were not destroyed.

I can understand where you are coming from about church being a baby factor. I think that God appreciates it when you continue to go even though you know its hard sometimes. I too skip for just that reason – especially Mother’s Day. My hubby thinks I’m strange b/c when it gets to much for me I work in the nursery. Its not the babies that bother me its the pregnant women and the new mommies. I love the babies! Plus its good practice.

About IVF – I share your opinion but I also am more certain than you are that we will not be able to get pregnant any other way. I have a good friend that is excited about IVF. Now I won’t say I’m excited – its just kind of like taking your medicine. If this has a chance of working I’m there because I start hyperventilating thinking about adoption and donors. I have a thought of adopting once we have a biological child but I just can’t get the dream out of my head of seening a baby with his blue eyes and my ears. I don’t know which Dr. H you see but mine prays with you and admits that she can do the science but its God that implants so I know her heart is in the right place. That part comforts me to know my doctor is a Christian. I’m not sure what we’ll do with our frozen embryos once we have decided that we don’t want any more kids but I won’t destroy them. We will most likely donate them but as long as we still want kids we’ll keep them frozen and keep trying. I think they are only supposed to be frozen for 5 years but Dr. H’s niece was frozen for 7. That is a tidbit that she shared with us at our last appointment!

I am standing at the bridge and am about to start to cross it. There are times when I just feel panicked, times when I feel in denial that this could really be the way my path in life is going, and rare times I feel strong and that I can handle it. I can definitely relate to all of your church sitations. My husband doesn’t notice small thigs like this, but on Father’s Day of this year, the ladies in the church were handing out small gifts to all of the Dads. One lady who didn’t know us, asked if my husband was a dad. When he said no, she patted him on the back and said, “Well that’s too bad.” He didn’t notice the comment, but tears came in my eyes. It just hurts so much, that I notice even small things. I can relate so much to your feeling of walking down that hallway at the hospital and the feelings that come when seeing the pink and blue ribbons. My two best friends and I decided to try and get pregnant at the same time. One has a beautiful 3 year old and my other BF has a 2 1/2 and a 1 1/2 year old. And it is just not working for me. I am about to start an IVF right now and I am feeling VERY anxious. If you would like to contact me, please feel free. It seems that we are in the same boat on a lot of issues.

Sorry, I didn’t include my e-mail address. (librarychick05@gmail.com)
I am new to blogging and am unsure of how to link so that someone can respond. Do I just need to set up an account through WordPress?