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Saturday, July 14, 2012

Crimson Ranger Episode 1: Enter The Crimson Ranger

Pete Robinson was pretty
much your average Joe. He had a thin build, average height and he was neither
particularly attractive nor unattractive. Pete was quite simply just another
face in the crowd – particularly that skinny, nerdy looking kid hanging out in
front of Wal Mart. At 25, Pete led a rather lackadaisical lifestyle – pretty
much just getting by with his day job working a 6-hour shift five days a week
as an employee at Games R' Go, which was a single-branch game shop whose name
is a cheap rip-off of a nationwide chain of video game retail stores. That
aside, Pete was quite content living off of his monthly wages as long as he
could pay the rent on time for his modest but comfortable rent-to-own condo
unit and have enough money left over to keep himself from starving as well as
import questionable anime/manga paraphernalia from Japan including dakimakura,
sexy anime figurines and the latest doujin games from Comiket among others."Take care now,
Dah-ling." Said Ms. Primela Rosenkreuz, Games R' Go's fabulous secretary.

Primela was a very
attractive woman in her early twenties who had glisteningly gorgeous wavy
brunette hair and a very natural-sounding trans-atlantic accent. One could
easily mistake her for a commercial model or an actress. In fact, it's a
mystery to some people why she chooses to stay with such a commonplace day job
as being a secretary at a no-name video game store.

"Thanks, Primela. I'll
see you tomorrow."

It was 5:00 PM and Pete was
just on his way home from his job working at Games R' Go. The place was
actually just a short walk away from where he lived so he decided to stop by
the local hobby shop as usual on his way home.

"Heya Pete! Buying
anything today?"

Sheryl Harrison, the hobby
shop's manager greeted Pete nonchalantly. Of course, she was being sarcastic
with the extra poke at the end of the salutation. After all, Sheryl was pretty
familiar with Pete having known him as one of the shop's regular customers ever
since he moved in about five years ago.

Sheryl was a very plain
looking girl and was just about Pete's age. Her brown hair was frizzy and sort
of looked like overcooked spaghetti. She also wore very heavy-looking
dark-rimmed glasses that made her look quite nerdy.

"Hiya, Sheryl. Nah,
I'm just browsing around today."

"Typical. Please put
everything back where you found them, though. I need to do a triple-check on
the inventory today."

"Any particular reason
for that?"

"I'm thorough."

"Fair enough."

Of course, Pete knew that
Sheryl's organization skills were top-class. She could even tell if a single
keychain was missing from a messy stack of 200 similar, nondescript looking
keychains – which Pete found out first-hand when he once tried to take an
Ilyasviel Von Einsbern keychain when he was flat broke with the intent of
coming back and paying for it next payday. Pete will never forget the
embarrassment he felt on that day when Sheryl suddenly cried out.

"KIDNAPPER! Hand Ilya
over right now, you loli-loving otaku!"

For such a petite-looking
girl, Sheryl could give even an ex-war veteran a scare with the sheer volume of
her voice if she put her mind to it. Not that there were any ex-war veterans in
the vicinity during that incident.Fortunately, she did give
Pete, who had been frozen on the spot in a mix of shock and humiliation, a
chance to explain. Eventually, she actually agreed to let him take home the
F/SN keychain provided he didn't try anything like that again in the future.
Ever since then, Pete always made sure to be very transparent with Sheryl in
his transactions with the hobby shop. That aside, the two still maintained good
relations afterwards since none of them were the type to carry on a grudge over
such a trivial matter.

"By the way, chapter 6
of 'The Great Adventure of Black Trojan' just arrived yesterday.
Interested?"

"Nah, I'm just
browsing around today, really."

"Okay. I could put it
on your tab as usual if you really want to."

"You've been reading
that series yourself, haven't you?"

"Sure! And I want
someone to read it with me and I'm actually just trying to give you some subtle
hints so that you'll pick up on the series too and then perhaps we could have a
discussion on the merits and demerits of the comic as a literary piece."

"Err… you kind failed
at subtlety right there, Sheryl."

"I did?" Sheryl
blinked her eyes twice.

She seemed genuinely
surprised. Then, she took out a large, yellow book with the title
"Subtlety for Dummies" printed in bold black letters at the front and
startled mumbling to herself as she read.

When Sheryl started zoning
out like this, it was almost as if she was possessed. Pete checked the time on
his mp3 player/wristwatch. 5:36 PM, just enough time to leisurely walk home and
still make it for the latest episode of Tomodachi Wa Mahou, an anime series
that he'd picked up on recently thanks to a scathing review from a magazine
critic Pete started watching the show and it turned out to be quite the
opposite of what the review made it out to be.

Pete tiptoed out of the
hobby shop making sure not to disturb Sheryl. He didn't bother saying goodbye
to her since she probably wouldn't awaken from her trance for the next 30
minutes or so.

Meanwhile, in the city's
outskirts, a great battle of unimaginably epic proportions was taking place.

"Give it up, minions
of Wrath. For I am the red haze, the paragon of justice, the all-around
busybody who destroys evil! The Crimson Ranger!"

The warrior, who was clad
in red spandex while wearing what looked like a rose-tinted motorcycle helmet
with a matching oversized crimson scarf, took an unorthodox fighting stance
with one hand over his head and curled in a fist and the other hand in an open
palm position and stretched out to the full length of his arm in front of his
body as if he was making a stop sign. His feet were positioned far apart from
each other and his legs were crouched like that of a professional tennis player
reaching for a passing shot after playing the net on a weak serve in the
quarter finals match of a grand slam tournament.

"Hah! Did you really
think that we'd come here and fight against a man like you unprepared, Crimson
Ranger? We're not your average one-hit kill henchmen, you know… we have
INSURANCE!"

The henchmen, who numbered
five in total and who were all wearing gray over-alls with matching
"Scream" party masks on their faces, showed the Crimson Ranger what
they meant by insurance.

"You fiends! How dare
you take a child hostage?"

"Please help me! Oh
paragon of justice and all-around busybody, Crimson Ranger!" Cried the little
girl who was apparently struggling in vain at the clutches of the minions of
Wrath… or at least it looked that way from the Crimson Ranger's perspective
given the poor visibility he got from underneath his motorcycle helmet.

The hero of justice slapped
his palm in front of his helmet in a move that is known as "the
facepalm."

"You know… you could
just drop the 'all-around busybody' part, kid. Nevertheless! Prepare yourselves
for my ultimate move…"The Crimson Ranger dashed
at the evil henchmen at a speed that was approximately just 20% slower than the
speed of light.

"Crimson PWNAGE Speed
Blitz!"

"What the eff!"
Cried out one of the henchmen.

"How do you even
pronounce the PWNAGE part!" Said another henchman.

"Gi! Gi! Gi! … what?
Somebody had to say it." Added another henchman.Meanwhile, as the Crimson
Ranger rained down his trademark PWNAGE move upon the hapless henchmen while
totally unmindful of the dangers of traveling at near light speeds with an
innocent hostage in the vicinity, Pete, who was quite blissfully unaware of the
epic battle that was taking place in order to save the world at that very
moment, was happily strolling home while humming along to some Hatsune Miku
tunes, which he was listening to via his mp3 player/wristwatch.

Suddenly, from out of the
sky, a red comet plummeted down to Earth and crash-landed near the roadside
right in front of Pete.

Pete was startled at first,
but his curiosity was aroused when he saw something moving within the pile of
smoke and rubble caused by the comet's impact. He poked around inside the
rubble and to his horror, he saw a human hand reaching up from underneath the
debris.

"Aggh! It's the alien
zombie apocalypse! Run for your lives!"

But just before Pete could
bolt to safety, the hand reached out and grabbed his left foot causing him to
stumble and fall face first on the hard pavement.A burnt, black figure
emerged from the rubble and started coughing weakly.

"Ugh… they got me
good. The old bomb in a decoy doll hostage trick… I should've known when I saw
those ball joints… don't think I can make it."At this point, Pete was
almost ready to pee his pants in terror, so he just remained still and tried to
play dead.

"Look, kid. Stop
playing dead. I'm not a zombie." Said the burnt figure while still
sprawled on the ground.

"Well, that's a
relief. I guess I'll put this away then."Apparently, Pete had
managed to grab a broken piece of a lamppost which he intended to use as a
melee weapon on the zombie, who wasn't really a zombie after all.

"What's your name, brave
warrior?"

"Pete, but I don't
believe I qualify as a brave warrior by anyone's standards."

"Thank you, Pete. Now
take this badge of mine and listen up."

"Uh… are you even
listening to me?"The burnt figure handed
Pete what looked a red sherrif's badge made out of plastic with three oversized
protrusions that stuck out on its sides.

"Listen, Kid. That's
not just some cheap Tokusatsu knock-off badge, I'll have you know. That thing
you're holding happens to be the Red One Changer. It's a powerful ancient device
created with Alien Technology that allows you to transform into the
super-powered paragon of justice and all-around busybody, Crimson Ranger! Uh…
you can skip the all-around busybody part, actually. Now look, I'm the original
Crimson Ranger but as you can see, I'm too weak to be fighting evil right
now."

"I'll say."

"Now that you have the
badge, it's up to you to save the world from the minions of Wrath. An
interstellar army bent on malevolence, destruction and mayhem who are currently
targeting Earth. But… I cannot force this responsibility upon you…"

"Asperger's much?
Didn't you hear me when I said I wasn't this 'brave warrior' that you're trying
to pawn this piece of plastic off to?"

"… my time is short… just
remember that if you don't use that badge and transform into the Crimson Ranger
to fight the minions of Wrath, you will have to live out the rest of your
existence knowing that you just sentenced billions of people to a 1984-like
doublethink existence at the hands of an alien dictatorship that you could have
destroyed using the pwnage powers of the Crimson Ranger. What is more… they are
all animal-haters, LGBT discriminators and racists."

"…"

At that moment, Pete
realized that the weight of the world rested squarely on his shoulders. Beads
of sweat began to form on his forehead.Also at that moment, the
former Crimson Ranger's eyes, or what was left of them, narrowed down into
slits and he smiled a most wicked smile… this move would later be known as the
"epic troll face."

"I'll take your three
seconds of silence as consent. The rest is up to you… Crimson Ranger!"

And with that, the former
Crimson Ranger whose name was never revealed and never will be breathed his
last.

"Good! I thought he
would never kick the bucket – in a manner of speaking. I'll be taking that
badge now, dah-link." Said a mysterious female voice in a snooty accent.

Pete turned around to see
that it had come from an attractive-looking woman wearing a purple wig in a
hime cut and clad in a tight, one piece white Speedo wetsuit cut hastily with
zigzag design scissors at the midsection with a small purple cape and matching
purple and white boots.Suddenly, from out of
nowhere, police sirens rang out and in a blur, six police cars had surrounded
the mysterious woman in wonky cosplay attire.

"Oh my stars,
gentlemen! Whatever could you want from little old me?"

"Don't move a muscle
miss," said one of the policemen, "you're under arrest for… indecent
exposure!"

The policemen moved in to
capture the mysterious cosplayer, but she whipped out a double-edged broadsword
from out of nowhere, since as you can imagine, there's nowhere to hid such a
huge sword inside a tight-fitting wetsuit, and disappeared in the blink of an
eye… only to reappear moments later just a few meters in front of the stunned
policemen – who fell over simultaneously in the next instant.

"Don't worry,
Dah-links. I used the back of my sword."

"T'would've been nice
if you were using a single-edged sword… blarrgh." Muttered one of the
policemen before losing consciousness and coughing up blood in a very
disgusting manner.

The woman then turned to
Pete who did not know whether to laugh or cry at the ridiculous and somewhat
awesome spectacle that was happening right in front him at that very moment.

"Now then, Dah-link.
Where were we before we were ever so rudely interrupted? Ah yes, the badge
please. I do so hate to keep my clients waiting."

"And if I refuse."

"Why, Dah-link. Then
you'll have to face the wrath of Vanity – Miss Vanity!"

At that moment, Pete
Robinson's life flashed before his eyes and it was utterly boring. He knew that
his death was at hand and he would only be prolonging the inevitable, but
something stronger than fear and even stronger than determination welled up
within Pete's skinny frame.Pete Robinson had made his
decision.

"Transform! Paragon of
Justice… Crimson Ranger!"

To
be continued… See you in the next episode!

Next Episode Preview: Pete finds out that cup ramen is
cancerous… from the internet! Will Sheryl finally convince Pete to read
"The Adventures of Black Trojan?" Does Primela have eyelash
extensions? All this and more in the next exciting episode of Paragon of
Justice: Crimson Ranger

Note: The original version of this fic was posted in my fictionpress account here