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1- He’s Cheating On You With Another Country
You’ve caught him sending gifts of say, 20,000 sheep, to the lovely country next door, whom you’ve always suspected he has a crush on. This is especially hurtful after you’ve boycotted meat because of high prices. You also suspect something bad is going on with a certain Asian country.

2- He Never Listens To You
He’s never there for you when you need him, even though he really has no where to go since Ocampo put him on lock down, so technically, he should have more time for you, but he doesn’t. He has never let you vote on any major or minor decision that affects your future. He has made it clear that your opinion does not matter, and not only that, that he will not tolerate any opinion of yours that conflicts with his.

3- He Hates Your Family
You’ve begged him to get to know your family members better, but he’s been at war with them since the relationship started. Finally, they decided to abandon you and him in a referendum in July 2011. And the zinger? They didn’t even ask you how you felt about it. The whole thing was traumatizing for you but you could swear you heard him mumble ‘fi siteen dahya’

4- He Keeps His Finances Separate
You have been together for over 20 years, however, he still keeps a separate bank account off shore and you are not allowed to even ask about it. He has seen you struggling with your finances, barely making ends meet, yet he refuses to chip in.

5- He Is Physically And Verbally Abusive
At first, you put up with his verbally abusive ways because it was generally directed towards others, sometimes you even felt like he was just trying to protect you. When he told others they are ‘under his shoe’ you questioned yourself but let it go. However, he started being verbally abusive towards you telling to you to lick your elbow and making so many vows (not of the happy matrimony kind) and there’s no stopping his threatening. To add insult to injury, or rather, injury to insult, he is physically abusive towards you whenever you disagree with him.

If your dictator exhibited one or more of the aforementioned signs, it’s time to give him the boot. Find someone who values you. You’re worth it.

After much deliberation and game theory analysis of the political, cultural, and economic situation in Sudan, I have deemed the following five points to be the only possible (read: remaining) solutions to solve all Sudan’s problems and disputes. These five solutions, when used together, shall be regarded as the ultimate panacea for Sudan. Now these solutions might seem eccentric at first, but who are we kidding, was there ever a ‘realistic’ solution to problems in Sudan? Was it ever used? No? Okay then try this: (warning, severe logical fallacies and several made-up words ahead)

1- Borrowed President
Once upon a time the most powerful country in the world was headed (and eventually beheaded) by a ridiculously incompetent president by the name of George W. Bush. After 8 years of embarrassing foreign policies, two wars, and an economic meltdown, the US was fed up. As we all know, the United States is secretly run by a group of expert politicians with a sinister world domination agenda (i.e Illuminati, Jews, and/or Pinky & the Brain) This secret group realized that if citizens see one more president with any resemblance to George Bush, the population will migrate back to Europe and Africa and call it a day. Sensibly, the furthest thing from a George Bush was a black president. Oprah was busy eating, and Jay-Z had better things to do so long story short, the US borrowed a black guy from Africa, gave him a fake McLovin’ Hawaii birth certificate, et voila! Enter the most inspiring president in United States history. And the US lived happily ever after, or at least better than before.
Moral of the story: We should’ve borrowed Mandela.

2- Gentrification
You can’t say the term gentrification these days without starting an intellectual riot with ‘Brooklyn’ and ‘Chicago’ being brought up a thousand times per minute. Whatever side you take in regards to the issue of gentrification, please consider that when dealing with North and South Sudan, nothing has worked at all for over twenty years. The root of the problem is, well, lots of roots, but at least one of those roots is the lack of contact and mixing between North and South Sudanese. Most North Sudanese, myself included, have never been to South Sudan. Most Sudanese can’t even name all states in Sudan. This is an enormous cultural problem that we don’t want to address and we want to jump right into the solution. It’s like insisting a 20 year that has never been educated should be in college and refusing to put him through elementary education first. Similarly, I think unity would not have been realistic had North and South Sudanese cohabitated in their own country. The least we, or our government, could have done was to promote tourism within our own country. Property prices are ever rising in Sudan, what if we could have promoted living in the South? What if the upper echelon of Sudanese society had summer homes in South Sudan and promoted tourism there?
Moral of the story: The country that lives together, stays together.

3- Arab Rehab
Slowly but surely, I can sense the Sudanese population weaning itself off the addiction to ‘Arabness.’ Not only has the Arab vs. African become tiresome and trite, but it has also become irrelevant. I am hearing more and more people denounce such identity definition in lieu of focusing on defining and epitomizing a ‘Sudanese’ identity. This is especially relevant post-secession as we will at least have a more unified intra-Northern culture (this is relative to the vast differences of the larger Sudan of yesteryear.) The further we move away from the confusion of whether or not we are Arab, the closer we become with ourselves simply as…Sudanese. This rehab, had it been done 20-some years ago, might have been an anchoring point in support of unity. Too little too late now!
Moral of the story: Our inferiority complex inferiorized ourselves.

4-Inter-Inter-Marriage
I truly believe that Sudan had no shot at staying united so long as the segregation in marriage of North and South citizens remained socially acceptable by both sides. I am not sure how it is for Southern Sudanese, but as a Northern, I was told from a young age that marriage between Northern and Southern Sudanese is a social taboo. The mere mention of such a thing is near blasphemous. Forget marrying a full-blooded Southern Sudanese, marrying a Northern Sudanese with any Southern roots or Southern ‘blood’ is even considered unfathomable, especially amongst ‘big families’ in Sudan. I can’t continue discussing this point, it makes me sick to my stomach, onto the next one…
Moral of the story: Love em or leave em (literally)

5- Cuisine Change
There is no way Sudan can move forward (or move at all) given the current intake of Sudanese cuisine which consists of pure carbohydrates. I’ve never heard someone say after devouring a plate of kesra bilmula7: “now I feel fully energized to make positive changes.” The only change you can think of after eating Sudanese food is to change from a vertical to a horizontal position immediately. I am convinced that our cuisine, a product of a conspiracy theory by the Brits to put us through reverse evolution, is what is holding us back, and ultimately caused us to lose the South. Alternatively, I recommend that we inject our food with nootropics, and mandate daily Red Bull drips for all citizens of working and voting age.
Moral of the story: I just finished a plate of foul biljibna and lost the ability to conclude this post…

I have recently stumbled upon a quote by Saul Alinsky, and read it way too many times until I finally decided I should probably share it. I find this quote incredibly succinct for the profoundly complex issues it addresses–

“Not at any time. I’ve never joined any organization—not even the ones I’ve organized myself. I prize my own independence too much. And philosophically, I could never accept any rigid dogma or ideology, whether it’s Christianity or Marxism. One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as ‘that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you’re right.’ If you don’t have that, if you think you’ve got an inside track to absolute truth, you become doctrinaire, humorless and intellectually constipated. The greatest crimes in history have been perpetrated by such religious and political and racial fanatics, from the persecutions of the Inquisition on down to Communist purges and Nazi genocide.”

This quote describes a major aspect of my political, social, and philosophical beliefs. I fully support each individual who embarks on an infinite quest to seek whatever knowledge he/she has the capacity to seek, however, I would stop just shy of seeking an ‘absolute truth’ because such a thing is not accessible to non-deity. I believe those who seek out the ‘absolute truth’ are a) wasting their time and everyone else’s b) pursuing an ultimate truth for reasons and motives that cannot possibly be altruistic. As Alinsky states, if you fully believe you are undoubtedly right, you are therefore a subscriber of dogma or ideology and most definitely susceptible to the crimes of the fundamentalist mind.

In matters of faith, I refuse to label my beliefs beyond saying I am a Muslim. Labeling your ‘faith’ or ‘spirituality’ is in and of itself contradictory. Similarly, I reject any political affiliation or aligning my thoughts fully with an organized political agenda. As a Sudanese, I can feel first-hand the effects of political dogma, tribalism and religious sectarianism tearing apart my country, and I want no part of it.

I truly believe the way for Sudanese youth to move forward is for each of us to insist on being independent intellectuals who have aligned goals and visions for our countries, instead of political agendas that define how you should think, yet lack focus on goals and visions. This is especially relevant with our ever expanding diaspora–our educational backgrounds and upbringings are becoming increasingly varied. Our sub-cultures are even further more different. There are felt cultural differences between Sudanese who have been brought up in Sudan, US, England, GCC, or other regions. Instead of succumbing to more divisiveness, I hope that we would agree to rid ourselves of labels, whether tribal or political, and instead divert our attention to our country as a whole, or whatever is left of it, to ensure it remains whole.

World, we need to talk. Something is quite off and I believe I know percisely what it is. A ‘world-affairs-eureka-moment’ if you will. I will skip the extensive scientific research and methodology which got me to my forthcoming ground-breaking discovery; you just have to trust me on this one.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are separeted by date-zones. Yes, that’s right, just like we have different timezones, we also have different date-zones. Now you were not alive back when homeboy who said the world is flat got laughed at, nor perhaps when they put a man on the moon (It happened. they didn’t photoshop it, there was no photoshop back then, duh!) But you are here today, alive and witnessing all that is happening. This is your chance to subscribe to this ‘theory’ early on and become a pioneer of world-affairs theory (look for this major in a college near you soon.)

You see, we are all perfectly acquainted with the variability of time-zones across the world, even children understand it. Yet people seem to think we all live in the exact same date-zone even though all evidence points to the contrary. What evidence? Allow me to elaborate: It is presumably 2011 worldwide*, yet a woman in Saudi Arabia is jailed by an unjust King because she operated a motor vehicle. Young men across the Arab World are reported missing and enduring M-rated (M for Medieval) torture chambers, even ordered to die because they disagreed with a dictator. There is no way it is 2011 in this region, while it is simultaneously 2011 in say, Canada. No way. Have you seen Gaddafi? He’s got 1600s written all over him.

This concept of date-zones is spanking new, albeit already rationally irrefutable. the only plausible adjustment is that perhaps 2011 is the average year taken from all the different date-zones of the world now. I will investigate this and let you know–where is Einstein when you need him right?

At this point, we can either adjust our calendars, or really prove we all live in 2011 by striving for acceptable universal human rights for all of us. Please don’t be the annoying guy at college lectures and insist that the concept of universality of human rights is ethnocentric, flawed, bla bla bla. No, you either let all women drive in 2011 or you change your calendar. Either way, something’s gotta give.

*Additional scientific proof that it is not 2011 worldwide: Rapture, FGM advocates, some people still use PC/IE, etc…

First of all Ramadan Kareem to all of you that are fasting. I hope you enjoy this Ramadan because unfortunately that’s where the party ends this year since we’re probably going to have to cancel Eid. I mean, with all the commotion we Muslims have caused in the US due to our brazen and tacky idea to build a mosque in near Ground Zero. Seriously we’re shameless. I mean YEARS after 9/11 and we want to build an Islamic Center? Rude. Just totally tasteless.

This is why, not to add insult to injury, we must cancel Eid this year, since it might fall on sept 11th (no pun intended.) I mean it’s really too soon for Muslims to be happy on that day. I mean really have we no shame?

And for those of you Muslims who are born on Sept 11th, I suggest you stop being inconsiderate and change your birthday. We don’t want to see you celebrating on that day. Especially if you have a beard. Oh and if your name is Osama or Mohammed, just die of shame now and help us save face. You know what, why don’t you change your birthday to December 25th? That is an acceptable date to receive gifts.

Oh people of US and A. You are silly. And I am glad to be in a Muslim country during Ramadan for the first time in years!

Who am I?

I am a Sudanese optimist and a marketing professional with a passion for philanthropy. Yes, you guessed correctly, I love paradoxes. This blog is a literary melting pot of all the diverse ideas that I can cognitively recall and write down-- I promise I will not be biased against any of those ideas, even when they sound like Sarah Palin's verbal diarrhea, circa 2008 elections. In this blog, no topic is off limits.It must be noted that I fancy sarcasm, irony, and controversy. Buckle down and enjoy the ride to controversy town!