My life has become all about FIL. How in the world can I feel centered?

After a month straight of children and relatives visiting in FIL's house (where we live to take care of him), DH and I were looking forward to going away to a local hotel/resort for 3 days of peace and quiet and intimacy. I have been so exhausted that things like memory and common sense have temporarily flown out the window. I left this morning to get groceries for FIL for the few days we would be gone. I bought lots of soup, multiple specialty prepared salads, milk, juices, his favorite snacks, fresh fruit, his favorite salami, lots of pre-cut and washed fresh fruit, sweets, more drinks, potato salad, bakes beans, anything I thought he might like. I had a screaming baby with me and did the very best I could. I even bought a freshly made lemon cream pie, his favorite.

When I got home, I apologized to my husband because I forgot two things. Ice cream and cereal. I had purchased so much and was trying to do it with grace and love and, yes, I forgot those two things.

You would think I had committed an unforgivable sin. DH laid into me for forgetting them, and all I could think of was, "what about what I did do?" It was humiliating. I felt angry, defensive, resentful of his father, and certainly not looking forward to the three days I was now expected to spend with someone who berated me for being angry that I didn't like being yelled at for forgetting one or two little things when I got so much and did it out of thoughtfulness and love.

Am I in the wrong, here?

He is 85 but goes out when he wants and is not bedridden or anything like that. I tried so hard to do something nice and I just get tired of my elderly father-in-law being the center of our world, especially when this getaway was supposed to focus on just us and our time together as respite.

Answers

You are 7 months pregnant and got YELLED AT for forgetting two items at the supermarket???? Uh. No. A 7 months pregnant woman taking care of an elder who does not really need it? Perspective has been lost here. You do not need the stress of sitting in a hotel room with someone you are not on speaking terms with, and your babies don't need it either. Either hubby opens up and offers something resembling support for the mother and mother to be of his children under these circumstances or you can scarcely consider yourself to have a viable marriage. I watched by BIL emotionally abuse my SIL, especially when his familly was involved - their approval, which they pointedly withheld at times - was just way more important to him than supporting his wife. Even my hubby (his brother) could not stand up for him - he called him "the a**hole" when we tried to talk about was there anything we could do. He failed to participate honestly, then at all, in marriage counseling after that. They divorced despite our best hopes and the beautiful home they had shared and wonderful children they had together. I don't know what to tell you, but I will pray you can think of a creative way to devlier your husband a wake-up call. This is so wrong in so many ways it is hard to know where to start. He's got his blinders on and is putting FIL way up on a pedestal where he does not need to be.

worriedaboutdad, my you have had your hands full this year. On an earlier post, back in June or so, looks like you were dealing with your own father who had advanced dementia to a point where he was having trouble talking. Are you still caring for him, too?

You mean your FIL can walk around and you wait on him? Can I move in? I want to turn into a blob, too. Ha! You're doing him no favors. What favor is he doing you? Is it his home? Does he pay the bills? There's a price for that, you know. And it appears you're paying it.

There is absolutely NO reason for you to be waiting on this man. What are you thinking?? Want a glass of ice water? "Get up and get it yourself, dad. I'm beat." It's not even GOOD for him, for heaven's sake. Keep him moving!

As long as you're willing to be his servant, that's exactly what you're going to be.

I'm sorry, but I don't have a lot of sympathy for someone that CAN improve their lot, but doesn't. And that's exactly what's going on at your house. I'm mom's feet all day long because she can't walk and can't get around in a wheelchair. THAT'S when you wait on someone. Not when they just choose to treat you like their maid.

"We live with him because he is an introvert with multiple anxieties and his son (my husband) knows that us actually having our own life and moving will create anxiety for his dad and this is why we stay."

I think this really says it all - your "having your own life and moving away will create anxiety for his dad..."

Honestly, that is one of the poorest excuses for not growing up and taking responsibility for his own family that I've heard. Sorry, but your husband is a cad, and maybe has a Peter Pan complex of his own.

Oh good heavens, don't you want to yell at those who try to compare caring for a baby being the same as caring for an adult.... as you know a baby eventually learns to do things for him/herself, an adult with memory issues will start forgetting how to do things. Picking up a toddler who falls is easy compared to picking up a full size adult.

As for meals being so formal, if the men folk wants their meals that way, let them do the cooking or do the serving of the meal that way... and they clean up afterwards. Sounds like someone or both were spoiled by the women in their early life. That's a hard habit to break. My mate is a spoiled momma's boy, but I refuse to give in. He's learned if he wants something done his way, he better do it himself :P

I cannot imagine trying to raise to small children with FIL who has dementia/Alzheimer's [as per your profile], but it sounds like FIL is just at the very early stages. Are you ready to keep dealing with this for another 10 to 12 years? It's only going to get worse, plus you will have pre-teen and teen children to deal with. Could your FIL afford to hire a companion to help him around the house, do his cooking/cleaning? That would help take the pressure off you and your husband.

If your husband was so mad about the forgotten items, he could have gotten them himself. Or actually, there's no reason why he couldn't do all the shopping himself. It's his father, not yours.

And BTW, how are your parents? Are they getting any help?

Since I've been on this forum I've seen a number of posts similiar to yours in that the wife is taking care of an ungrateful FIL while the husband literally sits by and does nothing, supporting his FIL vs. supporting his wife.

If FIL is an introvert, how did he manage all his life without care? Or did his wife take care of him? Frankly, this sounds to me like a very lame excuse.

Forgive me for being blunt, and I'm certainly not being critical of you, but I think this FIL is manipulating and controlling you and has gotten away with it. It seems clear that he's a very controlling and frankly lazy person.

You're going to need to establish some boundaries or you'll be his servant, with no support from your husband, for the rest of your life.

I don't mean to be critical of you; you're enmeshed in the situation and I can tell it's hard to justify just standing up for yourself. But you do have rights, and as long as you're living with FIL, you're going to be treated as a drudge.

You've got one baby and another on the way. Is this the way you want to raise these children? Seeing their mother be a servant to a selfish old man and a selfish father who doesn't support his wife?

It's time for your husband to grow up, be a man, and take care of the family that he helped create.

I realize this bluntness may hurt you; that's not my intention; I just want you to see the situation objectively.

We live with him because he is an introvert with multiple anxieties and his son (my husband) knows that us actually having our own life and moving will create anxiety for his dad and this is why we stay. Our sweet baby is with us, even though we are not speaking to one another. I think it is funny when people say that taking care of the elderly is like taking care of a baby. I don't discount it, there are commonalities, but a baby is a BREEZE when compared to someone who thinks their job is to put on their clothes and make their way to the couch and then everything, EVERY SINGLE THING, is going to come from someone serving you and caring for you in that way.

Maybe someone thinks I am being harsh. BUT, if someone is fully capable of getting their own coffee or juice and chooses to be dependent because of their chronological age, it does begin to wear on the person who is expected to do it all for them. Drinks can't be presented in a bottle or a can, no, you must do it the formal way, with ice cubes in a glass. Everything is the old way. Nothing can be fast, it must be prepared formally on a plate or in a dish and with a glass full of ice (from trays, not an ice-maker). AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! This forgetting the cereal just seemed so random and a reason for pure attack, nothing more. I did so much! I bought him 9 gorgeous, huge blueberry muffins for breakfast with little sugar sprinkles on them. He had everything, just not certain things. I would have been in hog heaven with what I did get him. Instead, I was called ungrateful and essentially horrible because I forgot cereal and ice cream. Did I mention I am 7 months pregnant? I am so, so tired and can't imagine any semblance of this type of attention to detail coming my way at all. Everything is all about my FIL, even when he is asleep. I would be in hog heaven if there was even a bit of the attention or worry paid to me that goes to him. I feel horrible saying that, but it really hurts when you go out of your way all the time and think only of others and have them reject the things you DO do. It feels very devaluing.

worriedaboutdad, since your father-in-law is still mobile and can take care of himself, why are you and your husband and baby living with him? Is it for economic reasons? Or can you afford your own place?

I know I wouldn't be enjoying any vacation time if my mate had yelled at me the way your husband did.... don't men realize us women have very long memories. Not easy for us to forgive and forget.

Just being curious, who is caring for the baby while you are away? Or is the child with you on this vacation?

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