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Friday, June 1, 2012

The nightmare continues

Apparently I'm the only person who is still truly sad about Samuel. Everyone else in my family has moved on to bigger and better things. I sit here, doing my best to will my heart to just stop and no such luck. Every day I just wake up again and face this nightmare. If I could figure out how to click the off switch on life, I would. But that would be too easy. Instead I have no choice but to stay here and keep on living. People always say "God's ways are higher than ours" and crap like that. That's just a cop out. The truth is that He doesn't involve Himself in our daily lives like we'd all like to think He does. When people say things like "I'm so blessed", it's only because things are going well for them at the moment. It's really easy to say that when all is well. When things go badly, should we say "I'm so cursed?" If so, then I'm really cursed right now. I've been doing everything in my power to keep believing God is a loving God. I've tried every thing I can think of to remind myself that God never leaves us even during tough times. Then I say to myself "Who cares if He never leaves us?" I'd rather have Him help us. Just being with me really does nothing for me right now. I'm so angry that I put all my faith in His healing power. What a dummy am I for thinking that, despite no one being healed on earth ever, somehow, someway, God was going to heal Samuel for us. What an idiot. God knew all along this was going to be the outcome; so much pain and sadness…so much hurting and despair. Apparently that outcome was ok for Him. “Someday we’ll know the bigger picture then everything will be fine.” (What a bunch of crap.)

All I want to do right now is stop existing. How do I do that? I can't kill myself because I would never want to hurt Bryan like that. He doesn't need more pain. But if I could just somehow disappear...that would be perfect. I’m so tired of people telling me someday it’ll get better. Yes, I know, someday I’ll have no choice but to move on and so I’ll have to force myself to feel better. But I’ll never be without this. I’ll never get him back and I’ll never ever get to be “normal” again. It’s all ruined – forever.

2 comments:

RaeAnne, I just want to let you know that not a day goes by without you, Bryan, and Samuel crossing my mind. I know so many undeserving people with all of these children and I think of how you two would be wonderful parents. It makes me so so so so angry. But then I remind myself that even though Samuel has passed you two are still are wonderful people and one day you will be wonderful parents again. I also think about how funny it is that even though we haven’t gotten to know each other very well yet I still know that you are a beautiful person inside and out. I can’t even imagine what you are going through but I do know that you are so worn down that you feel like giving up, but you can’t. Samuel’s passing may be your weakness but you have to let his spirit keep you strong. Part of him will always be with you no matter what. He will always want you to be happy and so do so many people around you. You are loved, you are adored, and you are strong. Don’t forget that.P.S. If you do need some reminding, let me know.