Post by GraceFoundMe on Feb 22, 2017 14:40:10 GMT -7

Not sure where to begin... I feel like there is so much inside of me trying to get out. Different thoughts, different intentions...different ideas. I find myself in a constant state of worry and contemplation during the day. I am married to a wonderful woman. We’ve been together for over four years. She is really everything I had ever hoped for in a wife. She is beautiful, talented, anointed, caring, thoughtful, passionate, in short she is amazing.

But in the recess of my mind there has been a battle. While she is everything I’ve ever wanted in a wife, and she is so amazing. There is something I’ve battled from a very young age. Something that not a lot of people know about. At the age of 4 and 5 I was molested on two different occasions by two different male family members. Those incidences lead me down a curious path that led me experimenting with another young boy whom was the son of my mother’s friend. We were the same age and just curious, I guess more than anything else. We got caught one day and I remember looking back and thinking about how hurt they all were.

My mom pulled me aside and asked me how I learned about any of it. And I remember telling her about what happened to me. I don’t remember much after that. I was just a normal young boy, I liked girls still and had a few little cute girlfriends that little boys have. I remember kissing one girls hand in kindergarten and it was just such a rush. So to say I had strict homosexual tendencies would be inaccurate. But a couple years later probably around the age of 9 or 10 another one of my mother’s friends sons and I began experimenting kissing one another.

It only happened one time that I can remember, but that’s not to say it didn’t happen more. Years passed and we moved away to a new city. I was religiously ostracized in my school for being a Christian that didn’t “do” what other kids did. Throughout this time I had girlfriends, and even kissed a few of them, and I liked them. I was still very attracted to girls, I don’t remember having a big attraction to boys at this point. But I remember being called ‘gay’ all the time and different words that are used to describe a homosexual individual. The only thing I could think about was everything that had happened to me up to this point. And the thoughts kept racing in my mind ‘there must be something showing that makes me seem this way for them to see it.’ Even thoughts that they might be right crept in. And part of me wondered if they were true. I became friends with a young man probably around the age of 14, which led to my first teenage sexual experience with someone of the same gender. We didn’thave ‘sex’ but we did enough that made me feel dirty and bad. Looking back I can see the progression of how it came to happen. Small things and thoughts that I let creep into my mind. The natural flood of hormones all young people deal with. There were a few more encounters with him before they stopped. And in betweenthis time I started having sexual encounters with girls as well. And I enjoyed it.

As I grew older another male friend of mine and I started having homosexual activities between us. Up until this point and past I had still never had full intercourse with anyone, male or female. However when I was 18 I lost my virginity to a girl that I wasn’t even dating at the time, over the course of the next 2-3 years we would ‘hook-up’ multiple times. I had my last homosexual experience with another male around that time. And since had sex with 3 other girls. But during all of this I still battled this inner struggle. Why I was sexually attracted to the same sex. I never asked for it. I never wanted it. But I never fought it. Looking back now I wish I had done more, but I was a stupid teenager who was wrapped up in a quick get off than anything else. And it has haunted me till this day. During a time when I was really trying to do and be better after all of this, I met my wife. And she was amazing, and I fell in love with her and asked her to marry me.

Before we started dating though we had a minister come through and preach for my church. During one of the altar calls he prayed for me and began to prophecy over me and said these words, I can’t remember verbatim anymore but the message was this, “The devil has used people’s words and actions to cause you to battle within yourself, a battle that was never in the plan of God. The voices inside your head have tried to destroy you, but they will not succeed. You will have a wife, and you will be used by God.” There was more to it than that, but I can’t bring the words out right now. I’ve wrote them down somewhere but I can’t find them, but basically the message was to me was that this battle that I struggled with was never God’s intention for me, but the devil used people to make it a battle that I had to face. I remember that night feeling so liberated and free. Afterwards I met my wife and we got engaged and about a month before our wedding these fears began to race into my mind.

I began seeing stories about preachers and Christians who were married for 20+ years leaving their marriages for the homosexual lifestyle. There was even a point a week before my wedding that I almost called it off. I loved my wife, but I was so scared of making the wrong decision and so scared that I was going to hurt her that I was consumed with it. I called a preacher friend of mine and he talked me down and I got married. And I love my wife, she is the most important person in this world to me. But these thoughts and fears have never left.

Ever since I was probably 12 or 13 I’ve struggled with pornography. Heterosexual and Homosexual. Part of me thought that it would all be better once I got married, but it hasn’t. And I have so much guilt and shame and uncertainty, that there are even times I’m unable to perform because thoughts that say “You’re gay, why are you trying to be intimate with a woman.” Come to my mind. And sometimes I succumb to those thoughts and still watch pornography. I go to churchthree times a week. I teach Sunday school class, I lead young people. I love God. I love His word. But here I am struggling in my mind to get passed all these failures. And I’m too ashamed and to afraid to say anything to anybody. I believe in God’s delivering power, I believe in His holy touch. I really do! I’ve felt it.

But I’m almost to ashamed to even pray about it. It just sits in the back of my mind. I know that I need to pray about. I know God doesn’t want to condemn me, but rather wants to help me, yet I do nothing. Yet I struggle. Yet I turmoil. I am so torn in my body and mind. Half of me thinks that it’d be easier to just give it all up now, and live the way I feel. I find myself searching for things that would make it okay, and if you search hard enough you can make a justification for it being okay… However there is this different part of me that says keep fighting… there is still hope. So I press on. Hurting on the inside because I don’t want to hurt my wife, or my family or my friends. I carry this burden, with no foreseeable way to let it go. No understandable way to get passed it. I am so miserable in myself. I am so lost in myself. I just want peace from this. I just want hope from this pain and circumstance. I’m tired of it… and I want it gone. At times I feel like there two minds inside of my body fighting for control, and I’m not sure who is going to win…

Post by Amymine712 on Feb 22, 2017 20:00:56 GMT -7

Looking welcome to BG. You have quite a story.

The first thing I picked up on was the sexual abuse you endured. I have done a lot of research on sexual abuse because I am a survivor. One thing that I have come across in my research is that men that are sexually abused as children by men tend to have same sex attraction even though they are attracted to women and are married. Have you considered that the reason you have same sex attraction is because you learned at a young age that to get other men to respect and like you, you need to be sexually engaged with them?

Being survivors of sexual abuse, our thinking is all messed up and it is so ingrained in us that we aren't aware of it. All the things you mentioned are part of the messed up thinking from the sexual abuse. I would encourage you to do some reading on sexual abuse and start letting God in. He knows everything about you and loves you as you are....All messy and broken. Only Our Lord can heal the brokenness in you. Stop fighting Him and let Him teach you to be the man He sees.

Put on your armor and pick up your sword. This battle you are in has just begun.

“The first step on the way to victory is to recognize the enemy.” Corrie ten Boom

Post by ladystrong on Feb 23, 2017 14:49:41 GMT -7

Welcome Looking . So glad you opened up about your struggles. I am praying that you find a safe person to tell this to face to face. I believe once you put it out in the light the enemy will run. God is helping you through this, all is not lost. He loves you and wants to help you. You are not alone, I'm sure many men have gone through the same struggles, especially after going through the trauma of being molested. I pray that the Lord will lead you to the right person. It took my husband two years to find a safe person to talk to about his affair but once it was confessed to our pastor and to myself, a HUGE burden was lifted. The enemy wants to keep you isolated and in fear but that's not what God says! Perfect love casts out fear, and where do we get that perfect love from? God. He loves you, that's fact. Praying for you, brother.

Post by ladystrong on Feb 23, 2017 22:20:06 GMT -7

I wanted to add that the way to peace is to go THROUGH the pain of bringing this to the light. There is a very spiritual battle being waged over your soul right now. The thoughts in your head that are of hopelessness, fear, and condemnation are not from the Lord. Those are from the enemy. The belief that there is hope and the fight that is still in you to follow Him is from the LORD. He sees you as a beautiful and new creation in HIM. No one else's opinion of your truly matters. You are a son of the Most High and He loves you. Believe it and receive it brother!

Post by GraceFoundMe on Feb 28, 2017 9:48:24 GMT -7

Thank you... I spent last Wednesday afternoon in prayer after I posted this. I felt better. This posting is actually something I wrote two years ago. I posted it like this because it is still the way I felt. After I wrote this originally I showed it to my wife. I was more able to allow her to read it than I could tell her. She was very comforting, told me we needed to get past this. And she knew before we got married about my abuse and struggles as a teenager.

I guess my shame comes from pretending like I had beaten it, when I haven't. I don't want to make her hurt again and honestly don't want to be embarrassed to have to say it.

After praying I decided to tell my wife on Thursday about it. She had a rough day, so I got worried to tell her, then my sister went into the hospital this weekend for an emergency appendectomy, and that's only finally resolved yesterday and we came home. I still want to tell her, but now that I'm a week out almost my resolve has waned to tell her.

I have done better this week though. I've not looked at pornography since Last Tuesday, nor have I indulged in anything else. I haven't had prayed about it again though. Mostly because I've been praying about my sister. I feel good about myself being able to stand for this week now, but I can feel the desires come up in my mind. The images that flash are vivid and I have dreams about it. It just feels like something I'm unable to escape at times. I push it all back in my mind. Trying to keep it at bay. But it does feel good to be able to express this outward.

Post by GraceFoundMe on Feb 28, 2017 10:02:54 GMT -7

The first thing I picked up on was the sexual abuse you endured. I have done a lot of research on sexual abuse because I am a survivor. One thing that I have come across in my research is that men that are sexually abused as children by men tend to have same sex attraction even though they are attracted to women and are married. Have you considered that the reason you have same sex attraction is because you learned at a young age that to get other men to respect and like you, you need to be sexually engaged with them?

Being survivors of sexual abuse, our thinking is all messed up and it is so ingrained in us that we aren't aware of it. All the things you mentioned are part of the messed up thinking from the sexual abuse. I would encourage you to do some reading on sexual abuse and start letting God in. He knows everything about you and loves you as you are....All messy and broken. Only Our Lord can heal the brokenness in you. Stop fighting Him and let Him teach you to be the man He sees.

Put on your armor and pick up your sword. This battle you are in has just begun.

I've in times passed tried to be open about it. One of the men(an uncle) who abused me I've been able to forgive. I see them a few times a year, they're married and the abuse happened when they were under the influence. I can truly say I have no hatred towards him.

The other man(a much older cousin) I rarely see. I saw him at a family reunion this year, and I can't say that I hated him... but it bothered me to see him and he tried to act like nothing should be weird. I always held more contempt for him because he was completely aware when he did what he did. My real father was never in the picture, so of sorts you could say this was 'the perfect storm'.

I've tried working through this, and I've had good relationships with other men. When I was 15 my pastor at the time took me under his wing and began to show me how to be a good man. Nothing ever weird or wrong happened, never even had those kind of thoughts concerning him. And I have several male friends who I have good relationships with. But I've only ever been open about this with one of them. And he was very kind about it and supported me, but its an awkward conversation to have on a constant basis. Because most men think if you have SSA that you immediately want to do something with them, and they get freaked out.

Post by ladystrong on Feb 28, 2017 11:17:54 GMT -7

It is better to be embarrassed about having to share this again with your wife than to continually live in the enemy's lies and accusations. It is clear that you have not fully healed and need help. I'm glad you were able to open up to one other friend but it sounds like you need a professional therapist to help you through this. And about the dreams: I had TERRIBLE dreams for the two years that my husband was lying about having an affair. He opened the door for the enemy to come in and didn't close it shut until he disclosed the affair to me. Although it was only over a 6 week period and he met the devil incarnate, it was enough for enemy to come in and cause multiple problems during that time. We are just now healing from all that pain. Don't wait, take care of this now before it manifests into a real event.

Post by Amymine712 on Feb 28, 2017 17:11:13 GMT -7

Looking, I am glad you have made it a week without acting out. Good job. One thing that worries me is that you are not going to God consistently about your sin addiction. Satan uses other things to get you to put your addiction on a back burner so that you are not ready when it rears its ugly head. You need to stay vigilant or you will get knocked on your butt and you won't know what happened.

You do need to talk to your wife about what is going on. The longer you wait the worse it will be. It's better to bring this into the light sooner.

This sin addiction is never easy to admit to and it is a battle to overcome it. But admitting to it brings it into the light where God can help you clean it out of your life.

“The first step on the way to victory is to recognize the enemy.” Corrie ten Boom

Post by GraceFoundMe on Jul 20, 2017 6:23:41 GMT -7

I've had one of the worst mess-ups of my entire life. I never told my wife. My resolve dissipated. Fast forward 4 months. I've been in one of the deepest ruts, unable to get out. I got off work early yesterday and went to buy my wife a birthday present. I was surfing Craigslist for a better price perhaps and my eyes wandered to the personals ads. Long story short I met up with a man and not to be explicit but I fell. We didn't have sex, but we did "help" each other. When he left I cried harder than I've ever cried. I drove home and wept and cried and screamed out to God. I've never felt so broken. And now I'm afraid I've ruined my marriage. I know I have to tell my wife- but we have VBS at church tonight and tomorrow which we are both heavily involved in- and Saturday is her birthday. I'm so torn and scared and broken. I know this is going to destroy her and I never ever wanted to...but I've been hiding from this for so long that now I'm afraid I've destroyed everything.

Post by ladystrong on Jul 20, 2017 8:03:03 GMT -7

I've had one of the worst mess-ups of my entire life. I never told my wife. My resolve dissipated. Fast forward 4 months. I've been in one of the deepest ruts, unable to get out. I got off work early yesterday and went to buy my wife a birthday present. I was surfing Craigslist for a better price perhaps and my eyes wandered to the personals ads. Long story short I met up with a man and not to be explicit but I fell. We didn't have sex, but we did "help" each other. When he left I cried harder than I've ever cried. I drove home and wept and cried and screamed out to God. I've never felt so broken. And now I'm afraid I've ruined my marriage. I know I have to tell my wife- but we have VBS at church tonight and tomorrow which we are both heavily involved in- and Saturday is her birthday. I'm so torn and scared and broken. I know this is going to destroy her and I never ever wanted to...but I've been hiding from this for so long that now I'm afraid I've destroyed everything.

Do you want your marriage to heal? You've got to give your wife's reaction/decisions over to God. You're going to have to be honest with her about this if you want to heal as well. Bring it into the light. Meeting up with this man is a symptom of issues that need to be worked out. The enemy will keep you in bondage as long as you are hiding in the dark. And it's not good that you are involved in ministry right now while you are hiding in the dark. You're affecting all the people around you by living this way and it's not fair to them either.

My husband thought that his confession of adultery would destroy me and it didn't. It destroyed the fake marriage we were living for 8 years.I feel like we've both grown in so many ways that many couples may never experience. There's so much hope for your marriage but it will take some major work for both you and her. Are you willing to take the chance to let GOD do His work in your lives? Surrender everything to Him? Make Him your absolute LORD? Your heart is still soft and you're still breathing. While you are breathing there's still hope!

Talk with someone, have them pray for you, and then confess to your wife. I'm praying for you right now!

Post by GraceFoundMe on Jul 20, 2017 8:16:49 GMT -7

Do you want your marriage to heal? You've got to give your wife's reaction/decisions over to God. You're going to have to be honest with her about this if you want to heal as well. Bring it into the light. Meeting up with this man is a symptom of issues that need to be worked out. The enemy will keep you in bondage as long as you are hiding in the dark. And it's not good that you are involved in ministry right now while you are hiding in the dark. You're affecting all the people around you by living this way and it's not fair to them either.

My husband thought that his confession of adultery would destroy me and it didn't. It destroyed the fake marriage we were living for 8 years.I feel like we've both grown in so many ways that many couples may never experience. There's so much hope for your marriage but it will take some major work for both you and her. Are you willing to take the chance to let GOD do His work in your lives? Surrender everything to Him? Make Him your absolute LORD? Your heart is still soft and you're still breathing. While you are breathing there's still hope!

Talk with someone, have them pray for you, and then confess to your wife. I'm praying for you right now!

I know you are right. I know there is hope. I have just hid from this for so long that I'm afraid of the ramifications. But if I don't tell it will eventually come out and will be so much worse then. I want my marriage to heal. I love my wife, God knows I do. We are trying to children, and God has promised us that we will have children. I feel this is one thing that could be holding us back from God fulfilling that promise. I've never been so afraid in my life. I know being involved with ministry is even worse, after I speak with my wife I plan to speak with my pastor. I need help... I need Jesus. Thank you for your prayers, I mean that with all sincerity. I've cried so much over this. My wife gets off early today, I thought about trying to get home and telling her before VBS tonight...but I'm afraid this will ruin her birthday and she'd never forgive me. I know that is probably just an excuse- but I genuinely don't want to ruin her birthday.

Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 8:24:11 GMT -7

"My husband thought that his confession of adultery would destroy me and it didn't. It destroyed the fake marriage we were living..."So heartbreakingly but beautifully true, LadyStrong!

Looking4Grace,

Hi, and thank you for reaching out.

It's ok that you are not perfect. God loves you, and loves you most when you screw up so badly that you have to rely solely on Him to get you through.

I think that it might be wise to spend time with God and ask Him to give you the strength to tell your wife what has happened.She deserves to know the truth, and she deserves to know it soon, if not right this instant.I know for me as a wife, it would be way more painful and confusing to know that this has happened, then my husband kept it a secret for a length of time.You need to proceed prayerfully.

It would be a good idea for you to spend time with God and ask Him to give your wife a forgiving spirit and especially to comfort her in this time of great pain.She needs your prayers and God's comfort just as much as you need God's wisdom and healing right now.

Go with God and He will go with you.Good luck, it might not feel like it now, but you will get through this.Stay strong. Be honest. Hold onto God.

I pray that out of his glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being. (Ephesians 3:16)

"He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might He increaseth strength." Isaiah 40:29

"But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense ; he has become my salvation.” Isaiah 12:2

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

"LORD, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress." Isaiah 33:2

Post by ladystrong on Jul 20, 2017 8:35:32 GMT -7

I hear you on not wanting to ruin her birthday. I know for my husband, he confessed to our pastor first and then after two weeks he was able to confess to me, a week before Christmas. Just telling our pastor was a huge relief for him because he no longer felt alone. Telling me took a little bit of time because he wanted to see where I was and if I could take the news. I was already searching for healing from my husband's porn issues and came upon BG. Not gonna lie, it cut me to the core and I was in shock for a good 5 days. But somehow, in the midst of the chaos, I could see God's hand in the timing of it all. If it helps to first get support from a brother, go that way. That's what Mike Genung did, too. Sounds like you need support from another brother ahead of time, that way you're not fighting this alone.

Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 8:40:18 GMT -7

".... after I speak with my wife I plan to speak with my pastor."

I am not saying that this is the way to go, but have you considered talking to your pastor first?It might be very beneficial to meet with your pastor first so that you can discuss and pray for yourself and your wife before telling her.

"For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." Mathew 18:20

Shoutbox

Will: 'Why should I stay in the grave when the stone has been rolled away?' - SavedbyGrace Mar 3, 2020 23:17:39 GMT -7

Amymine712: This spring forward stuff is for the birds. Wish I still lived in Arizona.Mar 8, 2020 5:56:26 GMT -7

teetop: Yeh, time changes are a nuisance, even though we've been doing it for many years.Apr 10, 2020 4:29:14 GMT -7

teetop: Well at this time we are still in lockdown mode to keep us safe. Apr 17, 2020 8:56:54 GMT -7

Amymine712: Lock down is a trial run for communism...and I have fully decided I will never vote for anyone that would bring that into my country.Apr 18, 2020 7:30:32 GMT -7

teetop: Well Amymine712, it has been years since I looked up some measures congress passed a very long time ago. President Kennedy just before he was assassinated in one of his very last speeches he warned the American People just about that type of power.Apr 20, 2020 20:15:19 GMT -7

teetop: Kennedy warned the American people that there are certain circumstances where the President could declare a national disaster and put the whole country under martial law can under special circumstances become a Dictator.Apr 21, 2020 3:51:42 GMT -7

savedbygrace: We are in a very unusual circumstance. Lockdown probably not the most accurate word. Both our state governors as well as the federal government have restricted behoviors that would have caused many more people to die. Apr 21, 2020 6:31:04 GMT -7

teetop: Right-on savedbygrace, though we may not like it, it is true that many people ignore these simple safety measures.Apr 21, 2020 23:16:30 GMT -7

Amymine712: Unfortunately some are taking their new found powers too far. Michigan's governor being one.Apr 22, 2020 6:15:57 GMT -7

Amymine712: Montana one town has to wear arm bands to buy things at stores.Apr 23, 2020 2:32:14 GMT -7

javajake: May the Lord protect us all from this strange virus. Also from the evil politicians who will use it to take control over our freedoms. Apr 23, 2020 6:52:51 GMT -7

teetop: As most know that if we take the time to obey God, we will rightly decern the times. I would also point out that if we take noteMay 14, 2020 16:20:15 GMT -7

teetop: that though the death toll seems high, I would suggest you look at the numbers a little closer. Take note as to how many are dying with complications from something else. And secondly, the death toll is nowhere near the number incurred in 1918, [/bMay 14, 2020 16:25:54 GMT -7