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Monday, June 8, 2009

Why I Could Not Stalk Rob Pattinson

Now that I’ve finally figured out that Rpattz is lurking somewhere in NYC, the possibility of me actually running into him has been upgraded from "completely nil" to "highly improbable." But, since I‘m a the-glass-is-half-full kinda chick (unless it’s a wine glass, cuz’ it would be empty when I was through with it) that still leaves a very small margin of possibility that I may run into our favorite hot & dorky English dude.

I know I have mentioned before that if I knew where Rpattz was filming I would go check it out. The more I think about this, the more I realize this would be a dreadful, stupid thing to do and that trying to find him would only end very, very horribly. This is good for Rpattz - but bad for me and you, if you are thinking you might possibly be able to have a vicarious successful stalker moment through me).

Let me state the obvious as succinctly as I can. I’m fucking oblivious. As I mentioned on this post over at Twilog, RPattz could be standing next to me and, unless he was sporting a neon sign proclaiming his name, I would have absolutely no idea he was even there. Godzilla could be razing buildings ten feet from me in a fiery inferno and I wouldn’t even notice. Frankly, I’m lucky I haven’t gotten pulverized by a bike messenger or a bus (just for the record, the bike messengers scare the living crap out of me). In my defense, I will notice any store that 'SALE' in their front window which given the times, is every single one of them. So I am distracted a LOT. And also very broke.

Secondly, I can only imagine the amount of mortification that would occur should I run into him somewhere. Remember how Bella is a danger magnet? Well, I’m an embarrassment magnet. I’m like a moth to the mortification flame. If some predicament will inevitably cause a great deal of shame, chagrin, awkwardness, what-have-you, I will feel forcibly compelled to throw myself into the situation with great gusto. And, as a general rule, the level of embarrassment increases exponentially if there is a good looking man involved.

Kinda like this hot guy... who I never would have noticed on the streets because I'm always in Jerkfaceland...

Case in point: Last summer I was coming out of Penn Station when two Adonises (Adonai?) stopped me and politely asked me, in their oh-my-god-so-sexy-I-have-no-idea-what-kind-of-accent, where Penn Station was. Not to be blasphemous here, but RPattz had nothing on these two gods. You know that thesaurus that Stephenie Meyer should have been using when she wrote Twilight? There is picture of those two guys next to, well, any except the four words she used over and over again in there. I mean, these guys were beyond good looking. They were stunning, exquisite, quite literally breathtaking. I stood there, agape and drooling for a few seconds, then I proceeded to stammer and stumble over my words, finally resorting to doing what foreigners hate the most - yelling at them: "PENN STATION IS RIGHT AROUND THIS CORNER. OKAY? DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND? AROUND THE CORNER!!!" [I screeched this while simultaneously flailing arms in the general direction of their destination. Just in case.] Then I tripped off the curb as I walked away and nearly dumped my bag out all over Broadway. I swear I heard one say to the other ‘what a fucking dumb bitch’ with his hot accent when they finished laughing at me. And I would have totally gone prostitutional on them anyway. Actually, scratch that - I would have given them a freebie!

Therefore, it goes without saying that one of the following, if not all of them, will happen at the exact moment I approach Rpattz to ask for a picture or autograph:

I will forget how to speak English and instead jabber on in gibberish with spittle dripping down my chin

I will start giggling maniacally until I am forcibly removed by security.

I will call him Daniel Radcliffe and tell him I loved him in The Sorcerer’s Stone.

I will spontaneously break out into a zit attack that will rival that of a a pubescent sixteen-year-old boy.

I will fart loudly and, if I’m really lucky, will simultaneously experience the joys of exploding diarrhea.

My clothes will suddenly be ripped from my body by an incredibly powerful gust of wind, revealing a pair of 10 year old, hole riddled 'period panties.'

I’ll throw up on him (quite possibly while having exploding diarrhea at the same time) immediately after consuming a tuna fish sandwich.

I will offer him a blowjob and then accidentally sneeze in the middle of it, thereby finding myself serving seven to ten in the state penitentiary for penile assault. My roommate will be a 400 pound murderer name Nelly and I’ll end up being her bitch. Upon my release, I will besieged by hordes of angry Twitards for giving their beloved Robward a permanent "tuck" and will be forced to live the rest of my life in exile where I’ll be forbidden to look at pictures that aren't of Leonard Nemoy. Or this guy.

Surprise! I'm baaaaaack!

Oh, and it goes without saying that whatever happens, it will most definitely be caught on camera and broadcast during prime-time on every station in every mother fucking country around the globe. And naturally it’ll go viral on youtube. I’m terrified of my fifteen minutes of fame because I know it’s going to be really, really embarrassing.

So, there you have it. As much as I’d love to run into Rpattz, I fear it can only end with my dignity writhing in agony while Shame moves in permanently to take it’s place. And trust me, at this age, my Dignity has definitely taken quite a beating. I’m pretty sure it’s just a huddled mass of bad memories at this point. Shame, on the other hand, is a familiar friend who has been eying up Dignity’s corner office. We’re quite comfortable together.

60 comments:

I totally second this! I'm the same exact way. I would probably vomit on myself or projectile vomit on both of us and TMZ would be right there to get it all on film. Or I would probably run away from him being too nervous and trip, fall, rip my jeans, and have a nice skinned knee as a reminder what a dumb ass I am. I totally feel your pain!

JJ-I'm pretty sure that was the funniest fucking blog post ever. You normally have me laughing out loud but "My clothes will suddenly be ripped from my body by an incredibly powerful gust of wind, revealing a pair of 10 year old, hole riddled 'period panties." sent me over the edge!

As much as I would love to meet Rob I too am quite positive I would say or do something to not only embarrass me but him as well! I'd like to think maybe a few COCKtails would help but I'd probably just get all chatty and say "God, I just love you" so many times he'd be trying to hide from me.

Please, for the love of all things holy, be aware of your surroundings. Not only so you don't get hit by a bike messenger but so that you can scope out his hotness!!

when i was 19 i got to go backstage at a methodman concert and meet him. i've always thought he was so hot so i was ecstatic! when actually confronted with him? i stood there, staring, unable to speak. he said hi and i nodded. that's right, like a total idiot. my friends have never let me live that down. my luck would be i'd run into rpattz and fling myself at him, during which he'd be staring in shock at my husband and five kids standing behind me.

I am laughing so hard that I can barely type this reply. I asked you in another post when you were going to start the search for Robward. I too would talk a big game, but would chicken out in the end. I have never met anyone really famous, but given my propensity (sp?) to stammer, blush and make a fool of myself around slightly above average looking people, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Is STY also socially awkward around "the beautiful people" or will she try to run into our fave vamp?

Holy shit dude. I have to agree with AJ, that was the funniest fucking blog entry I've read in a very long time. Tears are streaming down my face! The thing is that if you did any of those things you've listed, I think you may be a topic of many uh... conversations for RPattz for at least a couple weeks.

I once got to go to a private concert at a local radio station - Chris Isaak was playing (YUM). I'm the last one to slip into the room and promptly leaned against the light switch, turning the whole room completely dark. The whole band just stared at me and I can say with great confidence, I may have turned purple. What a shit show I can be!

Love, love, love the 10 year old period panties comment. Ha! That is one of my biggest fears....I will get in a car crash and I will be naked at the scene with my period stained, elastic stretched out underwear (I have issues with the word 'panties').....and that is how I will be remembered.

Anyhoo, I am with you JJ all the way. I live very close to Vancouver, BC and a couple friends of mine were pushing to go up and try and "run into" the cast--more specifically RPattz....it did not appeal to me whatsoever. I have very vivid fantasies about a chance encounter at a sushi bar, pickled ginger is involved and lots of whiskey....well, uh, but it is a fantasy. The reality would be totally comedic and I would feel like a total chump.

I have had the privilege of meeting some famous musicians and I always felt like the biggest dork ever. I once was in line at the grocery store behind Beck. The whole time I was debating in my head if I should say anything. I think he knew I was on to him...and I think he was incredibly relieved that I chickened out.

One of your best posts ever. I was actually thinking about this the other day. What would I do if I 'ran' into him? (Yeah, I live in Iowa. It could totally happen.) And basically I would probably do one of those things where you inhale your spit too fast and choke. And then the rest of your list looks pretty good.

This is by far the funniest post I've read to date. I swear, I was trying not to laugh out loud and wake up snoring husband... who's to the left of me... It's 2 am... I think he would be quite pissed if I started snorting and crying through my tears of laughter.

I am pretty sure if I were ever to stumble (quite literally) upon Rob... I would combust into a poof of smoke. That, or piss myself from giggling uncontrollably. It's a problem, I know... He would look at me awe struck, and claim me as mentally ill. He would probably be quite nice to me and give me a pat on the head, sign my Twilight book (which I carry everywhere-duh!) and think he did a good deed for the day!

Well, I hope you're happy. I just had to change my panties and not for the good reasons! My own few celeb encounters over the years can still make me redden, and unfortunately my fantasies about meeting Robert devolve into him offering to help me across the street when he realizes I'm old enough to be his damn mother.Oh, and I love how it's a given that he accepts your blowjob offer. See, you have more confidence than you give yourself credit for! Thanks for the midnight giggles. - Suz

I just laughed so loudly that everyone in my house is mad at me. I cried until I thought that I didn't have my glasses on anymore because my eyes were so blurry, and then (like a tard) looked for them even though they were on my face.

Now I'm not sure if anyone here, or you lovely ladies watched Gilmore Girls, but in one episode Lane was in love with a boy with great hair and all she really wanted to do was touch it! So one day said boy was right there in front of her, gasp! and what happens...Her lady parts take over her brain and she reached out and raked her fingers through his hair, and then ran way.

I would go with thats what I would do! And maybe with the other hand cop a feel.....Got to strike while the irons hot! ;D

I'm here to thank you for this entry as well...I really shouldn't be laughing this loudly at 8:30 am...I'm still on my first cup of coffee!!the period panties and the sneeze mid-BJ made me hoot :)and the picture is one of my faves!love this blog...

God, JJ, you are hilarious!! My co-worker in the next cube over actually stood up and asked me what was so funny since I was laughing so hard. Your 2nd point describes I'm sure many of us to a tee, and I loved in particular the line - "I’m like a moth to the mortification flame." Exactly!!

Dammit JJ...I have coffee coming out of my nose now! I believe this is the funniest post EVER. I may even print it out and frame it. That was weird. Great. I sound like a crazystalkerlady. I'm gonna just stop now.

Jeri247 here.. had to post anonymous from the work pc.. i hate that..anyway, That was the most hilarious thing I have read in a while.. why.. because that would SO be me doing the exact same thing...and trust me, I have and you cant recover from those..lmao.. to much fun..

OME! Wiping eyeliner and mascara that's running down my face. I'm at work and people keep walking by my office wondering what the hell is up with me today. Hilarious. I so look forward to everything y'all write. Love it!!

Like so many others ... Love, love the 10 year old period panties scenario. Morning made.

And I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who suffers from chronic self-embarrassment. Once was in an elevator with Tom Hanks ... didn't even manage to push the button when he asked me to, only stutter, stutter, stand in awkward silence, realize it was my floor, hold elevator up because I couldn't possibly think about being in an elevator with Tom Hanks and move and then trip on my way out the door ... I am special.

I totally sympathize with you. I too would completely lose it he'd probably think I was deaf and mute as I wouldn't be able to talk and I'd be using sign language. Either that or I would scream and run in the other direction cursing at myself all the way and probably run smack bang into a lamppost, I don't know what it is with lamp posts but they always seem to jump out at me for some reason. But the bruises go away in a few days.. haha Now if I had my 7 yr with me I would make him go ask for an autograph because he is just bloody relentless when he wants something and in the end Robward would just say "for god sake kid, ok, ok".

OMG I think I ruined my monitors... I just spit my coffee all over them.

This is just freaken hilarious... 10 year old period panties... farting... exploding diarrhoea...

Well I did go stalking in March and no we didn't meet up with Rob try as we might, but we did run into Kellan, Kristen, Rachelle, and Jackson.

Yes, I am a moron and said some pretty stooopid things to Kellan as I was sooo excited when he stopped for us.. Still got a wondrous hug from him after all my inane babbling at him. He said to me "Come Here My Bella" and opened his arms up for a hug.. (melt...) I couldn't wipe the cheesy grin off my face for hours afterward. I did manage to keep my shit together when I met the other cast members and not to make such a huge ass of myself with them.

Yes like a dork I carried a special edition of twilight around Vancouver with me... Ugh hang my head in shame...

And you know what... I’m gonna do it again in October!!! This time I will meet Rob and I don’t care if I babble on again like a moron again... You never know I may get another hug.... ;-)

I think that the whole celebrity/fan scenario is intrinsically flawed. I mean, think about it: he is just a man.

A man! One among billions!

It is entirely possible, in other areas of the world—granted, very remote, very unfortunate areas—the inhabitants have absolutely no idea who Robert is, and would feel no qualms about approaching him...or just letting him pass, unmolested. (I know, that last bit is a little harder to believe—perhaps this might occur in a country entirely comprised of blind people.)

Even in my own country, there are celebrities—scores of one-named singers and rappers, for example—of whom I am only marginally aware, and for whom I do not give a fig. And their absolute insignificance to me only underscores the randomness, absurdity, and pointlessness of any celebrity worship.

Remember: just a man. A bright, charming, gorgeous man—but just a man, nonetheless.

So if you must find yourself intimidated by RP, let it be for his human qualities—which are, as I have previously chronicled, rare and abundant—and not for some notion of his exalted or superior status.

By the way: the only fantasy relationship with RP that I seriously entertain (and truly, as delicious as he is, an enduring friendship—and all the possibilities that suggests—is the most appealing option) is the one in which our initial meeting (which we will laugh about, and blush over, for years to come...) occurs at my London book signing, where he approaches me, slowly—his aqua eyes locked on my deeper ones, his soul surging in recognition—with a well-worn copy of my novel in his angel-fingered, outstretched hand....his trembling, ecstatic, outstretched hand....

Thank you for...period panties, sneeze and tuck, farts, Nelly's bitch! I've told latchkey wife that My Dad's apt is available in Manhattan but..I start to think of the women I see in some of these photos who are in the background or foreground..and I think of an old blog about how pretty Rob is and we all would just look like NY Hookers (not the well paid ones) next to him. But I wanna and I don't. Don't is winning. Fanfic is Winning. Your Blog is winning.

But I do agree with the response that you got your blowjob..so maybe blowjob is winning for you!

You have convinced me! I live in NYC and have been wrestling with the idea of quitting my day job to go searching the streets of New York for Rob. But you finally stopped me and made me think what would happen if I actually run into him.

My native language is Spanish and when I am nervous my English completely fails me. And when I do manage to speak the correct language I end up using the wrong words. Did I mention I am a grown ass woman with a very serious job?! Yet I know all of my education and self respect would go out the window if I did manage to even see him. I do not think my self respect could take a low blow such as making an ass of myself in front of that beyond gorgeous human being! So, THANK YOU!

@JJ How I love your insight. Most likely all those things would happen to me as well. I trip on air, I usually hit door frames while entering rooms, I bang into objects and frequently I've taken people out because I don't watch where I'm going. So in my case, my life might possibly be in danger if I ever met RPattz. :)

JJ, so freaking hilarious! I mentioned to my equally obsessed sister in law that we should head up to NY to stalk Rob. She said I would just chicken out and it would be a wasted trip. She is correct and your post was so on point with my life. Funny Funny Funny!!!!!!

I actually didn't make the trip to Vancouver from Seattle because of your list exactly. I'm a complete spazz whenever I meet someone famous regardless of their cheese value or my real worship of them. I met NELSON (yeah, the ones with the hair) and managed to look completely insane in the picture I took with them and didn't even say a word and when I met the author Sherman Alexie, I just looked at him and said, "I love you!" and then took a picture with him...to which he said, "Aw, you're blushing." Now, if I met RPatzz, seriously, someone that I totally fantasize about, I think I might just choke on my own vomit.

I work at a PENN STATION! I had to say it! I have never gotten the opportunity to meet someone famous. I live in the BFE mountains of Kentucky, but next month my roomie and I are going to meet our second famous author, Nora Roberts, at a book signing at her bookstore in Maryland. I am already nervous as Hell cause I don't want to be a bumbling idiot but more than likely I'll tell her how much I love her and her work and that she inspires me and it will be just like this sentence running on and on LOL ok yeah I'm more nervous than I thought LOL

(formerly Anne) I think I would be frozen like a deer in headlights if I ran into Robert. Or Kristen, really. Complete girlcrush. I'd come off like the total early-30's mom that I am, and the only think I could be thankful for is that I don't wear Mom Jeans. Though I would be doing everything you mentioned above, but I'd probably have mashed sweet potatoes stains on my shoulder as well. At least I'm no longer nursing, otherwise my milk would probably let down at the sight of him & there would be huge leak stains on my shirt. Now that's hot!

@Kitty Elvis--Sherman Alexie's kids go to my older daughter's school. I see him in the hallway at least a few times a month. I too am a huge fan. I have smiled at him, he has smiled back--but that is all I have ever had the balls to do. Totally pathetic. I keep telling my daughter she needs to befriend his younger son that is only one grade ahead of her. Hee!

Hi, I'm an italian "over-thirty chick who never really meant to fall in love with Twilight... but somehow I did"... I read your post and I laughed a lot. I enjoyed very much the part in wich you tell about the TWO godlike men at the station.ByeF.PS Please, Ignore my grammar faults.. And Yes, I think I'm too old for this!

so im in nyc every day (i work here) and ever since i learned rpatz will be filming here, ive been toying w the idea of trying to "bump" into him. my friends think ive totally lost it (since im a 31 y/o woman and all), but i just love the idea of a scavenger rpaz hunt! lol.

well... if i get to snap a couple pics before being arrested... ill email them to ya! ;-)

the zoom on my camera is amazing! (i take pics as a hobby). mind you.. i look like a totally retarded tourist (walking around in WORK CLOTHES, every day w a bulky camera hanging on my neck, lol) but who cares!... anything for my lil dorkey hot brit.

ill be lurking around the downtown area and hope the wish i made at the trevi fountain comes true!

Doing my catching up reading and this just had me dying. I almost choked on my bagel. All of your reasons listed are basically just my horrified worries of what could happen in the face of "Mr. Totally Hot Guy"......so I don't even try any more, lol. Oh, and my fave reason for not being a stalker......I'm just too damn lazy. Stalking takes a great deal of effort....ya gotta get up, do your hair, put ur makeup on, pick out your clothes-and it has to be things that you know will look good on a mug shot, get your nails done.....meh.......I'm already tired just thinking about stalking.

Besides, it much easier to send a letter. That way you can write and edit while professing your undying love, devotion and adoration. Maybe he gets it, maybe not.....I mean c'mon, the people in the post office are certainly going to see who your letter is addressed to. Don't you think they would open it and read it? Putting all of your deeply personal emotional stuff out there for all to see lol.

Oh hell yea they would. Besides, how would you ever know? *raises eyebrow* hmmm? It's not like you can call the guy and ask "Hey Rob, didja get the letter I sent you?"

I much prefer the letter approach...because you can still claim plausible deniability.

I happened to read the wrong thing while eating some Ruffles & now not only am I crying from laughing so hard but I laughed so hard I do believe a small chip went up my nose. Sniff. It hurts so bad.2 seconds ago · Comment · Like

I found your list of things that could happen upon running into Rpatz that funny. I think the clothes being ripped off/period panties part was the one that triggered the snort that sent the chip into my nasal cavity.You guys crack me up... in a dangerous way, apparently.

Oh dear god, I literally have tears in my eyes, and that is insanely hard to accomplish, believe me.

By the time I reached "And I would have totally gone prostitutional on them anyway. Actually, scratch that - I would have given them a freebie!" my co-workers were lining up with concerned looks on their faces which of course made me laugh even harder.

Ummm... still working through the archives. I'll be making a spot by the metaphorical Twilight shrine for a Twitarded area.

Oh dear god, I literally have tears in my eyes, and that is insanely hard to accomplish, believe me.

By the time I reached "And I would have totally gone prostitutional on them anyway. Actually, scratch that - I would have given them a freebie!" my co-workers were lining up with concerned looks on their faces which of course made me laugh even harder.

Ummm... still working through the archives. I'll be making a spot by the metaphorical Twilight shrine for a Twitarded area.

(formerly Anne) I think I would be frozen like a deer in headlights if I ran into Robert. Or Kristen, really. Complete girlcrush. I'd come off like the total early-30's mom that I am, and the only think I could be thankful for is that I don't wear Mom Jeans. Though I would be doing everything you mentioned above, but I'd probably have mashed sweet potatoes stains on my shoulder as well. At least I'm no longer nursing, otherwise my milk would probably let down at the sight of him & there would be huge leak stains on my shirt. Now that's hot!

the zoom on my camera is amazing! (i take pics as a hobby). mind you.. i look like a totally retarded tourist (walking around in WORK CLOTHES, every day w a bulky camera hanging on my neck, lol) but who cares!... anything for my lil dorkey hot brit.

ill be lurking around the downtown area and hope the wish i made at the trevi fountain comes true!

so im in nyc every day (i work here) and ever since i learned rpatz will be filming here, ive been toying w the idea of trying to "bump" into him. my friends think ive totally lost it (since im a 31 y/o woman and all), but i just love the idea of a scavenger rpaz hunt! lol.

well... if i get to snap a couple pics before being arrested... ill email them to ya! ;-)

Doing my catching up reading and this just had me dying. I almost choked on my bagel. All of your reasons listed are basically just my horrified worries of what could happen in the face of "Mr. Totally Hot Guy"......so I don't even try any more, lol. Oh, and my fave reason for not being a stalker......I'm just too damn lazy. Stalking takes a great deal of effort....ya gotta get up, do your hair, put ur makeup on, pick out your clothes-and it has to be things that you know will look good on a mug shot, get your nails done.....meh.......I'm already tired just thinking about stalking.

Besides, it much easier to send a letter. That way you can write and edit while professing your undying love, devotion and adoration. Maybe he gets it, maybe not.....I mean c'mon, the people in the post office are certainly going to see who your letter is addressed to. Don't you think they would open it and read it? Putting all of your deeply personal emotional stuff out there for all to see lol.

Oh hell yea they would. Besides, how would you ever know? *raises eyebrow* hmmm? It's not like you can call the guy and ask "Hey Rob, didja get the letter I sent you?"

I much prefer the letter approach...because you can still claim plausible deniability.

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