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WARNING: This post contains content that may require a tissue and maybe even a diaper. Vulgar language follows.

I have a handful of movies that I love, several of them happen to be Quintin Tarantino films. I love his quirky, dark humor. Reservoir Dogs is one of my all time favorite movies. To show my love for Mr. Brown, I have opted to give all of my girlfriends code names for the purposes of protecting the not so innocent.

I have four women in my life that are the foundation of my sanity. Well as sane as someone like me can be. There’s not much I wouldn’t do for any of them, except pick them up when they fall off a bar stool. I’m just gonna point, laugh and take a picture. This story really revolves around myself and three of the four girls but I can’t start any stories about girlfriends without first introducing Ms. Blush.

Ms. Blush is the single most important person in my life, she has held me up when I couldn’t stand, spoken for me when I lost my inner voice, given me strength when I was too weak to go on, made me laugh so hard I’ve peed and kicked my ass when I was being ridiculous. She is not my blood but my soul. At the end of my life when I look in the mirror and can’t recognize myself anymore, I will look at her and see everything I am. She is the greatest love of my life. We’d be lesbians but neither one of us like pussy. Ms. Blush, I love you and look forward to the day that we can laugh in person and not on the phone. Although this story doesn’t include you I know you love rabbits too.

Rabbits are magical little creatures, no wonder they get pulled out of hats and have carrot envy. Every women should have one that they can call all their own. They offer comfort when you’re alone and can bring extreme pleasure when nothing else seems to help. Ms. Pearl however has never loved a rabbit before and it has been our little group’s mission recently to help her understand the importance of loving such a magical creature. Ms. Ruby my smokin hot, new friend and Ms. Violet my old friend who brings me peace and love are all desperate to share the amazing benefits of holding a rabbit near and dear.

Ms. Pearl an angelic women who blushes at most of the things I say and do, like the f-bombs that I drop on a constant basis and completely vulgar conversations that I seem to have quite loudly whenever we are in public. (Which is often since Ms. Pearl is a runaway in-patient at Betty Ford…shhh don’t tell). Seriously though she has been a dear friend also there in my time of need for the past few years. I’ve called her in the middle of the night crying and she has come running. Who wouldn’t want to bring joy to someone like that.

For our girls Christmas exchange Ms. Violet and I went shopping for rabbits. We found a great shop that had a huge selection. After looking at some really large ones we decided an itty bitty bunny might be best for Ms. Pearl, I mean if you’ve never taken care of one before you should start small. What a coincidence that we found four really cute bunnies all exactly the same but in different colors. Perfect! we’ll take the set.

Ms. Pearl was very grateful to receive such a thoughtful gift, so was Ms. Ruby. Ms. Ruby was so excited she took hers out with us that night and showed our favorite hot bartender just how fast it could jump. He was very impressed and had a little carrot envy himself.

A few days later Ms. Pearl sent me a desperate message. My bunny has run out of food! Ms. Pearl REALLY loves her new companion. This particular bunny required a special kind of food and was difficult to find. After a couple of failed attempts she finally found the right food and bunny was snuggled up again giving her joy. We all realized that maybe Ms. Pearl needed another rabbit to keep her bunny company that required less maintenance. Thank goodness that her birthday was right around the corner. She now has another rabbit to hug and squeeze and call her own that requires less care and as an added bonus can go swimming with her too.

When owning a bunny or rabbit there are some care and maintenance requirements. Always give them a bath after you’ve played with them but more importantly be sure to put them in a safe place where no one else can find them or play with them. They are all your own and should only be giving you the attention you deserve.

I have been known to be a little careless with this so here is your WARNING. If you have housekeeper be sure that your rabbit has been put away otherwise she will very lovingly and neatly put him on your nightstand. When arriving home to find my rabbit perched so openly, I immediately panicked. What if she played with my rabbit? Do I need to boil him? Upon further thought I realized, hey, she’s the housekeeper, I’m sure if she enjoyed his company she cleaned him VERY well… Yup it happened. An even worse moment of rabbit discovery, when you have a house full of guests and are trying to disperse your teenage kids from the adult crowd by sending them to your room to watch TV; be sure that your baby bunny is safe and secure and not hiding in your bed. When your eighteen year old son walks back in the room full of people looking like he’s seen the white rabbit and says “Uhhh… yeah Mom I’m not going to watch TV in your bed”. Lets just say we both curled up on the floor laughing. There are no boundaries left in that mother son relationship…yup it happened.