Both Worlds

It’s only been a few weeks of it, but y’all, working from home is HARD.

Like, HA HA HA, NO KIDDING, DUMBASS. But really.

I knew it wouldn’t be the simplest thing in the world. I knew it would be challenging, even with JS having a job that gives him more time at home than most.

I’d say that, right now, I’m putting roughly 15 hours a week into the class I’m teaching. And it only has 16 students. And the grading, so far, is for shorter assignments.

I try to get some work during the day, when Xander is napping, but that’s a total crapshoot. By the time I’m sure he’s asleep-asleep, and I’ve peed, eaten something without him pointing and grunting at until I give him half of it, and gotten to a point where I’ve figured out where I left things, I sometimes only have 20 minutes until he wakes up.

Of course, if I count on only 20 minutes and don’t bother trying, he sleeps for three hours.

So now I’m waiting for the weekends or after he goes to bed. But evenings, those are such sacred times. (This makes it sound like I count down the minutes until I can get rid of Xander for 12 hours, but that’s so not the case. I love hanging with him. He’s so much fun! But yeah, it’s exhausting, too.) We’ve been up since 6, I’ve made breakfast, lunch, and dinner (plus God knows how many snacks, man does this kid EAT), gone on play dates, done some laundry, cleaned the dishes, blah blah whining blah, and by the time X is asleep and I’m “done” for the night, all I want to do is cram some junkfood into my complain-hole and sit in front of the TV.

But really, I like the work. I feel like I’m doing something good. I like trying to help people find their way back into education. I like being able to explain things in ways that make sense to them. I like feeling like I’m a valuable member of society who can do things other than wipe someone else’s (adorable) butt.

But then, I also like being A Mom. I like playing with my kid. I like cooking for him. I like watching him learn and figure things out and change. I like the way he lights up when I get down on my knees and chase after him, watching as he scampers off, giggling and growling like a dinosaur (where’d he learn to growl like a dinosaur?). I like the way he reaches for my hand after trying out a few more steps all on his own. I like the feel of his hot, grubby little body against mine as he unwinds with some Cheerio’s and Abby’s Flying Fairy School.

I like it all. I like my life. I just need to figure out how to do all of it at the same time, without feeling like I’m letting things slip.