Who is the worst: C-3PO or Data?

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Two of the great ongoing franchises that bear the first name “Star” have memorable robot companions that serve various story functions. In a galaxy far, far away, robots are separate entities but not imbued with person-hood as much as the illusion of a personality. Boldly going where no one has gone before had a single android (and his asshole relatives, but that aside) that was struggling to become more human as he was treated as a peer. Both were used at various times as comic relief, but only one can be the absolute worst.

Category: Function

Data:
Data was built to be an android that lived amongst humans and strived to be more like them. His primary function wasn’t to serve, that’s something he came to do through joining Starfleet (Lore, Data’s “brother,” is not nearly as helpful). Data can process information faster than a human and can interface with computers at several times the speed of other Starfleet officers. He’s also saved the crew countless times by being the only crew member not affected by the trap or weapon the enemy has turned against the Enterprise crew.

C-3PO:
C-3PO is a protocol droid who describes his primary function as “human-cyborg relations.” unlike most other protocol droids, C-3PO was not manufactured, he was custom built by a small boy who was strong with the Force. It’s unclear where Anakin got his starter software for C-3PO’s databanks, from the “facts” Anakin “knows” about “Angels” in The Phantom Menace it appears like Anakin didn’t have access to anything better than a Tattooine Wikipedia to install in C-3PO. That means he learned a lot on top of some shoddy information.

Winner: DataData has saved the lives of the Enterprise crew, C-3PO just sat in a levitating chair while Luke did all the work with the Force to “help” his friends in Return of the Jedi. Data is useful while C-3PO doesn’t get to be in a rollicking space adventure.

Category: Usefulness After Decapitation

Data:
Who can forget the classic Star Trek: The Next Generation two-parter “Time’s Arrow” where Data is sent back in time to San Francisco in the 19th Century. He meets Mark Twain, who becomes suspicious of him and he has to find a way to get back to his own time. This all starts because they find Data’s head buried in San Francisco and start a fixed time loop. Eventually, they attach the five-thousand-year-old head onto Data and it still works, which is amazing (and beyond belief).

C-3PO:
C-3PO gets his head removed once in each trilogy so far. In The Empire Strikes Back, he’s almost scrapped for parts by Ugnughts before Chewbacca saves him and attaches his head backward. In Attack of the Clones, C-3PO’s head is put on a Battle Droid’s body and eventually separated and retrieved by R2-D2. The whole time he is nattering on about nothing. What is supposed to be some levity during the final battle is grating and forgettable.

Winner: Data
Data met Mark Twain while C-3PO was mere feet away from Mace Windu and didn’t as for an autograph or anything.

Category: Companionship

Data:
Data’s best friend is Lieutenant Commander Geordi La Forge, played by Levar Burton. The two share each other’s interests (except women, which Geordi doesn’t bother Data with) and participate in leisure activities together. Data is also friendly with Patrick Stewart’s Captain Picard – Picard is tried to teach Data to perform Shakespeare, for instance. Everyone loves hanging out on the holodeck with Data, even if they must occasionally sleep through one of his poetry recitals.

C-3PO:

C-3PO is a horrible companion. His best friend is an astromech droid, yet this is a robot who also claims to hate space travel. Not to mention that best friend might be the most dickish of all Star Wars characters. Also, getting C-3PO to shut up by shutting him down, putting a hand over his mouth or shooting him in a Cloud City back alley is a running gag – that’s how annoying C-3PO is.

Winner: Data
I would undoubtedly spend free time with Lt. Commander Data if I had the chance. I’d even listen to some poetry if that’s what it took. The only thing I’d want to do with C-3PO is kick him down a flight of stairs.

Category: The Moral Quandary of Ownership

Data:I can leave this up to the excellent Star Trek: The Next Generation episode “The Measure of a Man” where Picard has to defend Data’s personhood to the Federation. It’s best broken down by Guinan and Picard before the Captains moving speech at Data’s court hearing:

Guinan: “Consider that in the history of many worlds there have always been disposable creatures. They do the dirty work. They do the work that no one else wants to do, because it’s too difficult or too hazardous. And an army of Datas, all disposable? You don’t have to think about their welfare; you don’t think about how they feel. Whole generations of disposable people.”Picard: “You’re talking about slavery.”Guinan: “I think that’s a little harsh.”Picard: “I don’t think that’s a little harsh, I think that’s the truth. But that’s a truth that we have obscured behind a… comfortable, easy euphemism. ‘Property’. But that’s not the issue at all, is it?”

C-3PO
Although it seems like the Rebellion and the Empire both have need of protocol droids (so many planets, so many protocols), but no one stops to question if C-3PO should be owned or should have any say in what he does. As opposed to Data, who poses the questions of property and slavery, C-3PO is unquestionably property, built by Anakin Skywalker and – through happenstance – he passed down to his maker’s daughter like a family heirloom.

Winner: C-3PO
Considering I want to be selfish, I’ll take the robot that doesn’t make me feel like I’m enslaving a person, thank you.

Conclusions: C-3PO is the Worst

Until you get into the consequences of owning something that might be sentient, Lt. Commander Data has C-3PO beat on every level. Maybe you don’t want to hang out with either of these uptight Star robots, but if you had to suffer the presence of one of them, put up with the white skinned Brent Spiner and leave Mr. “Oh dear, Artoo” behind with the Jawas.