Unfaithful husband searches for way out of marriage

Published 6:49 pm, Monday, April 9, 2012

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 19 years, but I cannot stay faithful to my wife. I’ve had a few affairs, visit “massage parlors” on a regular basis and feel my wife deserves better. I want to walk away from our marriage.

We have kids who will be affected, and it will hurt us financially, but I don’t feel right staying in a marriage I can’t be faithful to. I haven’t told my wife about this, but I believe she knows because we haven’t been intimate in months. We had discussed divorce several times in the past, but that was before the kids. Please give me some advice. — LIVING A LIE IN THE MID-ATLANTIC

DEAR LIVING A LIE: Feeling and behaving as you do, it would have been better for you to have divorced before you had children. However, now that you do have kids, it’s time that you level with your wife.

As you stated, she probably has a good idea that something isn’t right. She may prefer to remain married to you until your children are out of the house. Or she may feel that her chances of finding someone else are better if you separate now. You’ll never know until you talk to her — and she deserves to know the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I am trying to decide who to have as best man at my wedding. I asked my best friend before I got engaged. After the engagement, I received a lot of pressure — and unwanted stress — from my mom to have my brother as best man. After arguing with her for a month straight, I finally gave in and asked my brother. We have never been close. There’s no communication and no desire for it. We see each other only during the holidays and have had a forced relationship by Mom since we were teens.

My gut instinct tells me my best friend should be my best man. On the other hand, if I tell my brother he isn’t the one anymore, I’m afraid it will be the final dagger in any type of relationship with him and his family. I need your advice on this matter. — GROOM-TO-BE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR GROOM-TO-BE: You’re right that having asked your brother to be your best man, you should not rescind the invitation. However, I have good news. Your best friend can still be your best man. According to Emily Post, there can be two best men. She says:

“Though not so common, two chief attendants may be the right solution when you don’t want to choose between siblings or close friends. The attendants can share the duties and the fun!”

So there you are. Problem solved.

DEAR ABBY: I’m dating a man, “Jason,” who is a DJ. Lately work has been slow for him, but because he was so popular when he was younger, he finds it hard to accept that he will have to get a 9-to-5 job.

Jason has expressed in the past that he doesn’t want to call a 30-year-old his boss and would like to go to school. We hope to get married one day, but I am torn because I don’t want to support the household on a wing and a prayer. I do everything I can to encourage him, but his lack of effort is becoming discouraging. How can I explain this without it turning into an argument? — ON THE RECORD IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR ON THE RECORD: Consider this. The longer Jason waits to look for a 9-to-5 job, the younger his bosses will be. Marriage is a partnership. You shouldn’t have to support the household on a “wing and a prayer” because Jason is dragging his feet about returning to school or becoming self-supporting. Explain it to him by saying that if he doesn’t become more proactive, you will have to consider finding someone who is more ambitious.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.