Ladies and gentleman, tonight one of the most glorious shows of our time returns to our televisions— and our hearts. The Bachelorette premieres this evening at 9:30 p.m., starring Bachelor castoff Andi Dorfman. We fell back in love with the series last season as we hate-watched Juan Pablo's journey to find a wife and felt a lot of feelings as he slut-shamed a contestant, gave a lot of women a lot of besitos, and said "it's okay" too many times to count.

Now we have a whole new crop of contestants looking for love, and this time they're men. To prepare for tonight's big event, we trolled the guys' ABC profiles and ranked them, not by their looks or their answers to the Bachelorette questionnaire (we don't want to judge them prematurely, come on), but by their shoe size (and okay, their choicest knowledge nugget). Because we have to start getting into the right mindset...and a little male objectification is a nice change of pace.

Funnest Fun Fact: His favorite musical artists are Third Eye Blind, Coldplay, and Enrique Iglesias. Also his ideal date would be being along on a desert island walking on the beach during a full moon.Our Feelings: May I recommend a compilation calledNow! That's What I Call Music? We also hope Josh M. isn't lurking on that same island.

11. Dylan, Shoe Size: 11Funnest Fun Fact: He has big muscles and is an accountant. Also if he could switch lives with anyone, he'd choose Tom Brady because "he has everything going for him and is determined to do things right."Our Feelings: Come on, the reason to be Tom Brady is to be married to Gisele's legs.

12. Cody, Shoe Size: 11Funnest Fun Fact: He uses emoticons in his answers. When asked if he had any tattoos: "You don't put bumper stickers on a Mercedes =). No tattoos but I do think tattoos are cool."Our Feelings: We knew he was a personal trainer before we even read his bio.

17. Nick V., Shoe Size: 10.5Funnest Fun Fact: On his biggest date fear: "I don't really have one, but going on a date with someone who ended up having a boyfriend and running into him would suck."Our Feelings: Yes, that would suck...

18. Mike, Shoe Size: 10.5Funnest Fun Fact: Mike's answer to the best day he's ever been on: "Hiking up the mountain at full moon, sipping hot chocolate under the stars. Do I have to explain why? You know you'd like that date." Plus the best gift he's ever been given? "A Valentine's Day scavenger hunt with roses, poems, etc., that ended with a wine and cheese picnic in the snow."Our Feelings: He won't make it past the first rose ceremony.

23. Steven, Shoe Size: 9.5Funnest Fun Fact: The only thing he wouldn't do for love is switch his cell phone carrier because he's grandfathered in with unlimited data.Our Feelings: Good to know he isn't crazy.