Drawing The Line- Trump and Entitlement

Ladies, I had a meltdown last night. Only, true to my introverted self, nobody could tell because it was entirely internal.

This post will possibly be a trigger for some, so please be prepared for that.

So, unless you live under a rock, you heard about Trump’s scandalous video that was released yesterday. (And since there are so many, I mean this one). But he’s basically talking about women as though he can have whatever he wants, whenever he wants, because of who he is. And he uses some pretty vulgar language.

I talked to my husband about this. Now, I don’t want this to turn into a political discussion, but I’ve pretty much given up on the elections now. I hate all the candidates. But anyways, we were talking about how this would affect his campaign.

He told me that although it was disgusting the way he was talking, it wasn’t anything every guy on the planet has said. He said men just talk that way. All the time. Now, before you bash my husband, he did affirm multiple times that just because it happens all the time, it is not right to talk about women that way. He just said men were “wired” like this.

Then, fast forward to a show we were watching a few hours later. There was a joke (here’s the trigger warning) about a sexual position named the “bronco.”

Basically, the guy is behind, says another woman’s name, and when the woman tries to get away, he grabs on for the “ride”.

This was a joke. All these guys just sitting around laughing. Even a woman was laughing. My husband was laughing.

I. Was. Not. Laughing.

This absolutely disgusted me. How, and why, would this be acceptable?

So I went to bed early. I just couldn’t stand the planet anymore. And then I got lost in my own thinking.

If men really are “wired” that way, and can honestly make jokes about sex like it’s something trivial, then where does that leave women?

I mean, if it’s truly not a big deal for men to think that way, then what is rape? Is it just something we made up? Like, beyond the forcible rape from a stranger in an alley, is it just something men honestly think is normal. Like they are “owed” it for some reason?

Are men honestly programmed to think that if they seduce and charm a woman for a certain period of time, then they are entitled to sex? If a man provides for you, then should you “provide” for him?

I just went down a rabbit hole last night. Completely lost. Questioning everything again. Like, what if I actually was crazy? It didn’t really happen at all. It’s just a “guy thing”.

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Sydney, I partially disagree with your husband. While I do believe we are wired for sex, thinking about it constantly, I don’t think we are wired to be rude, crude and disrespectful. I think that is learned through culture, society an our environment. Even when I viewed porn I disliked the stuff that was violent or blatantly disrespectful I leaned towards real amateur stuff. More than anything I just wanted to be with my wife. But when she wasn’t there for me emotionally and physically I took it upon myself to meet my need and dull the pain. Huge mistake. God never wired men to great women with disrespect. You are to be loved and honored and cherished! 😍

Thank you. Again, I want to make it very clear I’m not bashing my husband. Or men in general. It all just left me feeling helpless. As if men truly don’t view sex as something special, or of women as people even. And I honestly don’t blame the way they think- it has been shoved down their throats by society and entertainment industries. It just made me sad that some men honestly think they are incapable of not just acting respectful but being genuinely respectful of women. I wish there were more male leaders that saw the strength in basic human decency.

You’ll probably be glad to hear that not all men are like what you describe in your post. I also don’t agree with ‘wired,’ a term that bring an irrefutable, inescapable state of things. It is not true. Men who react like that were taught to react like that when they were with other male fellows who did not know better. Don’t lose hope: society changes, and reactions that seem now typical will become one day marginalized. But you have to be patient…

I know not all men are like that, and I hope I didn’t come off as a man-hating woman. It just made me sad that people think that because men think this way, they shouldn’t be help to any standard of respect. I don’t think it’s a problem innately with men, just society’s perception of them.

You are NOT crazy! I just watched that video and ended up wanting to kick someone very painfully. Men do not have to be like that and I really don’t want to know any that are. I don’t find that an acceptable way for anyone to behave and I can understand how it left you questioning everything.

I know men and women are different. Just biologically they are different. They center more on provision and protection, while women are more nurturing and loving. I just don’t believe that gives anyone a right to be a dick

I think there are, but they are ashamed by it. Because being respectful isn’t cool. Talking about women like they’re cattle makes you popular. I honestly think if being a real man were popular, then men would feel more free to be those people. And not worry about their ego or reputation.

I like how you handled this post. To me this is no longer just a man’s issue. This is a woman’s issue as well. Women don’t want anyone to tell them how to dress or act, but they want to tell men how they can talk and what they are allowed to think, say, and feel about their dress and their behavior. I am ONLY advocating common decency. We want men to be decent in their thoughts, feelings, and what they say. While women can be as indecent as they want and we all have to just shut up and take it. There is so much more I could say… I think we have all lost our minds!!!

Yes. I was speaking to my husband the other day, and I told him its like society is a see-saw. Men ran it for a while, and instead of looking for true equality, some women think the answer is to “put them in their place”. Which may feel justified, but just shifts the abuse of who gets to tell who how to act.

I, too, only want common decency. For that to happen, we all have to admit that we have things to work on. Men aren’t the issue, and women aren’t the issue. The issue is thinking any one group can be 100% responsible for evil, or 100% innocent.

Some of us are still working through that “wiring.” And some of us understand Trump has it TOTALLY wrong. Your husband is trying to untangle the conflicting strands in all of our accumulated impressions. Tell him when it comes to love and loving, he has it much better than Mr. Trump. Period. Suspect it will open some powerful confession, discussion, and intimate healing/growth.

We have had some good conversations about it. I do believe if he knew what a true man was, he would put his whole heart into it. I just don’t know if I should be the one creating expectations. I mean, men are different, and I am very sensitive to any expectation of something physical. This is where I think maybe the problem is me.

Yeah. Unfortunately I think men have been told their wiring gives them a right to act like trump. Sadly, it’s not really even their fault. Nobody is teaching them, and being an immature idiot who plays video games and thinks any amount of work they put in to a relationship should be rewarded has become the norm.

I think your husband should watch these talks, too.
I disagree that men are hard-wired this way.
He might have made this experience being around men
and I know that men can talk this way.
But this is definitely not something genetic, but something cultural.
(Cultural meaning that there is a social consensus about what is acceptable and what is not.)
And … being grown up adults, it is our rational choice
of whether we want to continue habits that create a rape culture or not.

“The world is a dangerous place to live;
not because of the people who are evil,
but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.”
by Albert Einstein

“You must take personal responsibility.
You cannot change the circumstances,
the seasons, or the wind,
but you can change yourself.
That is something you have charge of.”
by Jim Rohn

“To those who abuse:
the sin is yours,
the crime is yours,
and the shame is yours.

To those who protect the perpetrators:
blaming the victims only masks the evil within,
making you as guilty as those who abuse.

Stand up for the innocent or go down with the rest.”
by Flora Jessop

TF, I have a daugter and I want the world to be a save place for her (or at least as save as can possibly be). When men are takling to each other in this way, making objectifiying, disrespectful, contemptuous remarks about women, they have to be aware that their so called mates or friends are making these remarks about their wifes, girlfriends, daughters, grand-daughters, mothers, etc. … about people they love. If your husband or I don’t want rape culture to exist in our environment, then we have got to raise our voice very time a man makes such a remark in our presence. Those men must not only understand but feel that their attitude is totally inacceptible to us. Otherwise we do consent!

I had a very similar conversation with my husband recently. He said, “It’s just locker room banter. All men do it.” Like you, I was completely appalled, but as I questioned him more, it seems that “locker room banter” was just that, and the last time my husband spent time in a locker room was in high school! That’s the problem with Trump. He reminds me of a teenager in so many of his responses to issues. When he is challenged, he responds with adolescent rants like “I’m the best,” “Nobody can beat me,” or refusing to engage in a debate with a report who asked hard hitting questions. I am so disgusted at our choices this year, and think I might actually just go vote third party in protest of the awful system that got us here. I’m with you– UGH!

It’s so sad, because I feel like if being respectful were cool, rape and abuse would go down astronomically. But we’ve created a culture that is too soft for real men to thrive. They need challenge and discipline. Having a “nobody loses” atmosphere might work well for women, but for men it doesn’t allow them to grow a spine. They just stay immature cowards.