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Boss: We're going to take a page from the automaker's playbooks. Automakers prove their design skills by creating concept cars that will never go into production. Then they prove their management skills by producing cars that are less attractive than corrective underpants. Tomorrow we're holding a press conference to show the world our own concept product. Our concept product can stop global warming and wax your back at the same time.
Man: Can it actually do those things?
Boss: Why do you care?
Man: So...actually it's just a huge waste of our time.
Boss: You have a mighty low opinion of news.

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Dilbert: When do you expect to come out with a new model?
Vendor: In about two months.
Dilbert: I'll wait and buy the new model.
Vendor: Did I say two months? I meant never.
Dilbert: Never? That must mean your company is going out of business and won't support this product.
Vendor: What's a length of time between two months and never that would cause you to buy now?"
Dilbert: One year.
Vendor: Our new model comes out in a year.
Dilbert: I'll wait until then.
Vendor: You're the worst customer ever."

Transcript

The Boss: "I called this meeting to discuss the changes to the pension plan."
Alice: "We already saw the company-wide e-mail about the changes."
Dilbert: "And we're all engineers, so we understand the details better than you do."
Alice: "I'll bet you intend to waste our time by reading the e-mail to us."
ask: "You can't stop yourself. it's some sort of compulsion."
Alice: "If you read that e-mail, it's proof that something is wrong with your brain."
The Boss: "Can't...resist...reading...e-mail."
"GAAA!!!"
Alice & Dilbert: "Best meeting ever."

Transcript

Asok: "I didn't have time to finish my tasks for this meeting."
Wally: "No problem." "If you get cornered, read this powerful anti-meeting spell."
"Asok, did you finish the traffic estimates?"
Asok: "Um...I was wondering if our new service is Web 2.0 or Web 1.0."
"Obviously it's a Web 2.0 application because of the tag-based folksonomies."
"No it isn't. All of our technology existed before the Internet bubble."
"'When' doesn't matter. It only matters that we use the Web as a platform!"
"Everything is a platform!"
Asok: "Freaky."

Transcript

Alice: "What are you doing?"
Dilbert: "Carpet fishing." "It's a sport I invented." "I divided the carpet in my cubicle into a numbered grid." "Then I wrote a computer program that randomly picks a carpet location and a type of fish about once an hour." "If it picks the carpet location where I happen to be dangling this string, it means I hooked a fish." "Yesterday I caught a marlin." "Did you come here for some reason other than to spoil the salmon run?"

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Wally: My accomplishment this week was helping Alice finish her project in a timely manner."
Alice: "You didn't do anything to help me."
Wally: "Sure I did." "Remember when I came to your cubicle to ask for some data I need for my project?" "You said you were too busy, and shooed me away."
Alice: "If I had insisted on doing my job, you would have had less time to do yours."
Wally: "It's called teamwork." "Are we still big on that?"
Alice: "Must control...First...Of...Death."

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Wally: "Where do you think you're going?"
Asok: "I need to ask our VP of sales a question."
Wally: "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" "You can't speak directly with a vice president." "You need to talk to your boss, who talks to his boss, who talks to someone who is friends with the VP of sales, who then talks to him."
Asok: "Wouldn't that virtually guarantee that the wrong question gets asked?"
Wally: "It's better to have the right person ask the wrong question than the wrong person ask the right questions."
Asok: "Do you have a minute?"
The Boss: "Talk to my secretary."

Transcript

The Boss: "Dilbert, I need you to do something, but I don't have time to fully explain it." "I'll give you just enough information to send you down the wrong path." "Later, after you do it wrong. I'll treat you like you're some sort of idiot." "Then I'll put you through the embarrassment of undoing everything you did." "This might not sound like a good plan to you." "But it takes the task off of my plate and puts it on yours." "That's called progress."
Dilbert: "Today I helped make progress."
Garbageman: "Better luck tomorrow."

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Tina; "Do you have a minute?"
Dilbert: "No."
Tina: "This will just take a second."
Dilbert: "No it won't."
Tina: "It's real quick."
Dilbert: Never is.
Tina: "You have my word that it will take no longer than five seconds."
Dilbert: "Okay. Go."
Tina: "Oh, good. So, I was walking by and I thought maybe I should stop and ask you something because..."
Dilbert: "Time's up."
Tina: "Jerk"
Dilbert: "Liar."