Thursday, November 09, 2006

"The King" & Tom

Tom met his idol this last week, Arnold Palmer the golf legend. He also got to play a hole (of golf) with him and was absolutely thrilled. It was a day he will never forget. He lives, breathes and even dreams of golf. I kid you not, I have actually seen him mimic the golf swing in his sleep. I'm glad to see that his hard work (if I dare call it that- is golfing 2 or 3 times a week really work??) paying off. He's really improving his game and his passion for the game is never compromised. You can enter our house at any given moment and there will be at least one television tuned to the golf channel. Reminds me of a list I came up with about a year or so ago...

Here are some of my observations on how to tell if your husband is addicted to golf:

1) He purposely buys a portable, wireless TV so he can watch golf during lengthy visits to the bathroom.

2) While dining at a restaurant, he asks for a pen so he can sketch on a napkin a detailed replica of each hole played to relive the day's highlights - and uses table salt for the sand traps.

3) He comes home from just finishing 36 holes, puts the golf channel on TV and sets up his astro-turfed putting green in the living room while reading "Tips to Improve your Short Game".

4) He can't recognize any of his golf buddies unless they are wearing khaki pants, a polo shirt and a sun visor.

5) The local golf shop calls concerned when he hasn't been in the store for more than 6 days.

6) He has a set of clubs in the car, at work, and at every distant relatives house so he doesn't have to check his "good clubs" at the airport when visiting.

7) He can't remember the year he got married but he can recite the scores of every Master's player from the last two decades.

8) He can't find his way to the closest post office or dry cleaners but can give strangers on the street detailed directions to every golf course or driving range in a 150 mile radius.

9) Below zero temperatures, rain, snow, sleet, or flaming diarrhea will not stand in his way of a golf game.

10) Obnoxious, loud banging sounds coming from the dryer no longer cause you to panic as you realize he left golf balls in his pant pockets yet again.

11) You have never taken a vacation without a third party: his clubs.

12) When in a heated argument, the two most horrific and threatening things you could ever say to him are, " Keep that up and I'll break your Shaft in half". Or "I'm canceling your subscription to Golf Digest."

13) He mimics the golf swing motion in his sleep.

14) He has 2 subscriptions to Golf Digest - one for work, and one for home.

15) He could be asleep on the couch, mouth open wide and snoring....(loudly) with a golf tournament on TV and the second you quietly change the channel, he wakes up grunting, "Hhhrrrghhhh, hey, put that back on! Sergio was 6 under par on the 17th hole about to hit his second shot 3 feet from the pin for a birdie!" (And freakishly, he'd be right.)

16) The words "bogey", "birdie", and "eagle" are as commonplace in his vocabulary as "this", "that" and "the".

17) You can no longer go on a miniature golf date because he was banned for throwing his putter into the clown face and yelling profanity in the presence of 7 year old boy scouts.

18) Every single compartment or pocket in his car has become a depository for golf balls, tees, ball markers, gloves, mini pencils or grass stained socks.

19) He will RSVP "NO" to out of town weddings if they happen to fall on a "critical" golf tournament weekend.

and lastly.....

20) Never agree to a trip to the golf store with him unless you are prepared for a traumatic experience. You may just fall asleep in one of the wing back chairs while he shops and demos clubs, totally unaware of your absence. When you wake up 2 hours later drooling and clueless as to where you are, try not to panic. He should remember that you came to the store with him and may come to look for you in another hour or so.

Wait, One more...

21) Your TIVO memory is constantly full because every Saturday and Sunday it is set to record 8.5 hours of golf.