This is the real reason Cristiano Ronaldo is growing a goatee beard during the World Cup

What is the worst type of beard? It is the goatee, there is no possible way you could deny this.* A goatee that goes up and under the nose is bad, and one that simply stays on the chin is bad. Goatees are bad.

So why has Cristiano Ronaldo got one? Sure, his fashion sense has been known to be rather questionable, but a goatee? Why?

Well, there’s a reason for it, it turns out. Essentially, it’s a joke (correct, like the beard itself, ZING!) - he said at the press conference following Portugal’s win over Morocco on Wednesday:

“This goatee? It’s a joke I had with [Ricardo] Quaresma.

“We were in the sauna [before Friday’s match against Spain] and I started to shave and I left the goatee - I said if I score tomorrow I would leave it for the rest of the tournament.

“And it gave me luck, I scored that game, I scored this one, so it stays.”

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Good stuff, it’s a lucky beard. And who are we to argue with the man who’s basically going to win the Golden Boot? We are nobody, nobody to argue.

What we will say though, and this really needs asking: what kind of human man shaves in a sauna? Surely this is the facial hair equivalent of that lady shaving her legs in a swimming pool. Also… also, how was Ronaldo shaving in the sauna? What kind of unearthly mirror was he using whilst he shaved? We can’t even wear contact lenses in a sauna, who takes a mirror in there?

Of course, he could be hiding the real reason for his dubious hirsute statement behind a “joke” - who’s to say it’s not actually because of this:

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the screaming thing though.
@garyblogden