Wednesday, July 6, 2011

So, a few years back I used to bartend at a very busy and popular restaurant in the Conejo. And because of this, I ran into all kinds of desperate and shady whores looking for dong, money, or a free dinner. One whore in particular was a hairdresser at the shitty salon in the mall and used to come in weekly and get all flirty trying to get free drinks.

Sorry, I don't fall for that shit you dumb whore. It would be one thing if I looked then like I do now, but I was thin and fairly good-looking back then. Not great, but maybe like a 7. So, I had my fair share of female attention and didn't get all moist when some hair-cutting bitch came on to me for a freebie.

Anyway, she ends up leaving that salon so I don't see her for a year or so. One night I'm on the patio at Fridays and she's out there smoking with some dreary old looking hag. I mean beat the fuck up with the kind of face that would make a train take a dirt road. So, she asks if I remember her and I say yes. She was hot by the way. A SOLID 9 (would have been a 10 but I knew she had a kid and had to deduct for possible stretch marks and blown out vagina). Giant tits. Blue eyes. I think blue but I'm not sure. Huge tits. And dark hair. Three of my favorite things. So, she tells me to call her sometime and writes her number down my forearm in eyeliner. Fucking classy...

So, my buddy is moving out of my house and down to San Diego the next day and wants me stop and grab some beers on my way home. Well, who do I run into at the 7-11 but this bitch and her friend Medusa. Oh! Heidi. That's her name...

So, they ask if they can follow me home and I figure Jim can fuck the old skank as a going away gift. We show up and he just shakes his head. We go through a 12 pack and two bottles of wine and we're pretty shitty. So, obviously these whores can't drive so I reluctantly tell them they can sleep over. Sasquatch can sleep on the couch and me and Heidi can go upstairs. The Heidi bitch starts to to freak out and says no. So, I tell them they can sleep in my bed and I'll take the couch. Who says chivalry is dead?

Anyway, they decide to share the couch and the hot one takes my P-Coat as a blanket and the ugly one took an afghan or something but I didn't give a fuck because I was obviously gonna have to throw that out the next day anyway. By now it's 4 AM and I go upstairs, take a shower, and crawl into bed. After all, I have to get up at 9 AM and get Jim all packed up and help him move to San Diego.

When I get into bed, there's someone there. I get briefly excited but you know what's coming. It's the nasty one of course. I'm fucked up. She's offering a blow job. How do you say no? So, I let her do it. From my recollection, I think I passed out because I don't remember finishing, and I don't remember her leaving. But, I do know that when I got downstairs to make coffee, my fucking $300 coat is not on the chair. That fucking bitch stole my coat.

We pack Jim up and we start the moving process. We party in S.D. the next couple of days and when I get home, I call Heidi to get my coat. She tells me she will bring it by the restaurant. A week goes by. I call again. She says to come by her new salon to get it but she doesn't have it with her. I call the next day and she says she forgot it at home. We play this game for the next two weeks. Finally, she tells me she lost it. I ask,

"Is it because your skanky friend tried to suck me off that night?"

"No. I told her to go do it to see if you had a big dick or not", says the coat-stealing whore.

Out of curiosity I ask, "And what's the verdict?"

"Just okay but looks like it could do the job", says hairdresser with obviously blown out hole. I mean, really, you'd have to have 12" just to make a bitch like that happy and I didn't really feel like working twice as hard...

"Well, then how the fuck did you lose my coat out of nowhere when you were supposed to have it with you every day for the last two weeks?"

"Um...I lost it at the La Brea Tar Pits. It fell in", says the whore.

"Cool. Just send me a check for $300 and we'll call it even", I say.

In typical worthless cunty fashion, she tells me to fuck off and to stop calling her. I am dumbfounded. I get that she might be pissed I let her friend suck my dick, but that's no excuse for stealing my coat.

So, rather than make a big stink, I spend the next few months asking every person I know to make appointments (and then not show up, of course) with her at the salon she worked at. I have no idea what that cost her, but getting even with that bitch made me feel bizarrely good. Although getting the image of that hideous thing garggling on my dong will haunt me forever...

Friday, July 1, 2011

Yesterday I'm playing golf with some buddies and on the 17th hole, I let out a glorious blast from the fart tank. It was impressive. It was the kind that, given some time, could be easily used as inspiration for Beethoven-type symphonies. I digress...

So, I get to the 18th tee and feel another crowd-pleaser on deck and give it a solid push. And that's when glory turned immediately into shame. I completely shit myself. Not horrifically like it was running down my legs or anything, but enough to make me do an R2D2 kind of walk over to the bushes and check out the damage.

Fuck! It's bad enough that the underwear is the first casualty. I wear little foot socks so that option is out. All I have is the towel hanging off my bag. So I do a Frankenstein over to the bag, grab the towel, and Frankenstein back o the bushes...

This is the towel that I use to clean mud and shit off my clubs. It hasn't been washed in months. So, it's covered with...you guessed it...hardened mud. So, I get to clean my most delicate area with a crusty, scratchy fucking towel. I swear it felt like the one I got stuck with at the Motel 6 I was forced to stay at last year. I wonder if those are old golf towels?

Anyway, I cleaned up, bogeyed the hole, (I shot an 83 just in case you needed to know) had a couple of beers with the guys, then went straight to the grocery store and bought a travel bag of fucking baby wipes because I know this wasn't an isolated incident...