Whatever
happened to the good old days? We used to have proper manners.
Now, we as a society have fallen into the pit of uncouthness, incivility, and
rudeness to others. It is about time that we got back on the right track
and introduced better, stricter codes of etiquette... and for those who choose
to disobey, merciless punishment.

Decades
ago, people had no qualms calling others various derogatory racial or sexist
titles. Thankfully, this foul practice has been eliminated by political
correctness lobbyists, but the vulgarity still goes on every day in our
society! Everywhere we go, we still hear terribly inappropriate
adjectives being applied to individuals: "smart," "suave,"
"pretty," "courteous." The usage of these terms
undoubtedly makes the addressee feel different, atypical, and unequal to
others, breeding insecurity, low self-esteem, and a feeling of
self-worthlessness. Just as the terminology referring to race, color,
gender, or intellectual, economical, political, religious, ethnic, or cultural
affiliation has been slowly weeded out of our language over the years, so
should ay remarks highlighting a person's individuality be thrown out of
usage, for fear of (understandably) hurting a fellow human's feelings.

So
what happens when someone decides to disregard these rules meant to improve
our society? Decades ago, there was little more to do other than swallow
your pride and absorb the insult. Today, thankfully, we have a very
powerful tool at our disposal: suing. Lawsuit - the best invention since
the guillotine - allows you to take revenge on your aggressor, as well you
should. If you're a member of the female sex and a man holds a door open
for you, sue him for all he's got - how dare that chauvinistic pig assume that
you're incapable of opening the door yourself? If a guy throws an
appreciative glance at you as you're walking down the street, sue him - what
does he think this is, a peep show? If someone, heaven forbid, should
dare touch you - a tap on the shoulder, a shake of a hand, a high five - sue
them at double the price for such a blatant invasion of your bubble of
privacy. Heck, if a person's standing too close to you, causing you
discomfort, why not sue for that? If your friend passes you in the
hallway without a word of greeting, sue - that "friend" was clearly
snubbing you! Don't listen to the perpetrators' flimsy excuses, such as
lack of awareness, attempt at common courtesy (oh, there's a good one),
exaggeration, or misinterpretation. Legal persecution offers a great
method to redress your emotional, societal, mental, intellectual, or
self-esteem wounds, so go ahead and use it every chance you get! Not
only will you be able to send yourself through college after a year or so, but
your friends and foes alike will gain greater respect and reverence for you
and will finally start treating you as a human being.

If
we open our minds, this line of thinking can be used to fix all sorts of
social problems that our society faces. Anyone who gets in your way
ought to be sued immediately; "violation of privacy and emotional
damage" tends to sit well with the juries. Feel like making a quick
buck on the street? Find a jaywalker and sue him for causing you
emotional distress. Just think how easily you'll be able to coast
through life simply by suing people for various discriminatory
practices! Poor grades in school? A college won't accept
you? An interviewer doesn't want to hire you? All are blatant
unconstitutional discriminatory practices levied by teachers, admission
offices, and corporations, and this is just the beginning! So go out
there, take your life into your hands, and squeeze all the juices out of it...
before you inadvertently bump into someone and get sent to death row for
homicidal assault.