Greg Said I Can Have a Domesticated Fox

Greg said I can have a domesticated fox. He also says he did not say I can have a domesticated fox, but he’s wrong about the second one.

Specifically, our conversation went like this:

“Hey, Beth, did you know the Russians spent the last 60 years selectively breeding wild foxes to create a domesticated version? They actually did it. The science is amaz…”

“OH MY GOSH, WE’RE GETTING A FOX?”

“No, we’re not getting a f…”

“We’re getting a fox! WE’RE GETTING A FOX. KIDS?? Listen up! Dad says we can have a FOX.”

**kids cheering**

“Beth. Beth! We are NOT getting a fox.”

“Of COURSE we’re getting a fox. You JUST SAID there are DOMESTICATED FOXES in the world. What POSSIBLE REASON do you have for NOT GETTING a fox?”

“Well, they make terrible pets. They’re only domesticated. Like, they can’t survive in the wild, and they’re happy around people. But they’re not necessarily good at living in the house, and they tend to mark their territory, including indoors.”

“OMG. That’s the stupidest reason EVER, Greg, not to get a fox. Our children are all feral, and we keep them. One of them peed on the inside garage walls. Several kept a poop collection under the front porch. God knows, we’ve cleaned urine and feces off nearly EVERY surface and textile in this house, thanks to myriad small creatures, human and otherwise. And I pooped the closet. Marking his territory is just a reason why a fox will fit in perfectly with this family.”

Greg rolled his eyes. It’s how he flirts with me. “You can’t just import a fox to the States.”

“According to Google and PBS, though, you CAN, Greg. You CAN import a domesticated fox to the States for just $9,000.”

“Right. NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS, Beth. Nine THOUSAND.”

“I hear you, Greg. I hear what you’re saying loud and clear. Got it, kids? We just need to raise $9,000 and then we get to have a fox. A WHOLE FOX.”

In conclusion, Greg made sure to let me know there are domesticated foxes and then helpfully outlined what I need to do to procure one of my very own, which is pretty much exactly the same as saying I can have one. Yes? Yes. I knew you’d understand.

With love (and great excitement),

P.S. FYI, I think we’re going to start with a girl fox. I shall name her Megan (obviously). Then we’ll get a boy fox and name him Michael J. They will have sweet baby foxes. We will keep one of the boy kits and name him George because George Fox was a weird weirdo who was weird and counter-cultural and founded Quakerism because he radically believed there is that of God in every person, made, as we are, in God’s own image. I cannot think of a better reminder of the tenets of our faith than a baby fox named George. Next time Greg panics even though he said I can have a fox, I’ll remind him it’s because it’s what Jesus wants for us, else why would he have brought the article to Greg’s attention in the first place? WHY are we getting a fox, Greg? DIVINE INTERVENTION is why. And also, it will remind us of our FAITH. Don’t argue with me about this; argue with GOD.

P.P.S. OMG! GUESS WHAT? I JUST REALIZED WE’LL NEED TO SELL THE OTHER KITS. To good homes, of course. But the average litter for a fox is 4-6 kits… and it’s not uncommon to go significantly higher… up to 13 (!). THAT MEANS I’VE ALREADY SOLVED THE $9,000 QUESTION. I just need to buy Megan and Michael J. for $18,000, have one litter of minimum 4 kits, keep one, and sell 3 for $27,000 total. I JUST MADE US $9,000, GREG. You’re welcome.

P.P.P.S. While we wait for our foxes to arrive, our next Golden Retriever foster dog is coming. Her name is Nikki, and she’s 3 months old. I CAN HARDLY STAND HOW ADORABLE SHE IS.

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEYI'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.

Wait – WHAT’s THE “P.P.P.P.S.” ?!?!?
I’m going with “Beth got distracted by the kids’ brilliant ideas for funding and legislation-change, and forgot to finish the post scripts in excitement and delight.”

Foxes thrive in cities, towns, and rural settings. Perfect! He can not only live with you, he can also be a traveling companion- a service animal while you navigate long car rides, or airline travel!! Think of the stress relief your fox will provide. That is certainly worth the initial purchase price. Think of the savings on therapy and marriage counseling bills resulting from travel! (Just remember to keep an eye open for service peacocks!)

Like the cat, foxes walk on their toes, which accounts for their elegant, cat-like tread. We all need to add a little elegance to our lives!

Foxes are known to be friendly, curious, and playful. They play among themselves as well as with other animals like cats, dogs (golden retrievers), and feral children, I am sure! They love balls. Megan, Michael J., and George will provide a wonderful diversion for your children. Think off all you can accomplish while they are happily occupied with your foxes!

They’re reportedly docile towards people, curious and sweet-tempered, although inclined to dig in your furniture. Oh my! Just think, your fox can keep the depths of the couch clean. You can train him to retrieve lost toys, balls, change (another funding source). You will never again have to move the furniture and clean under your couch!!

Foxes make 40 different sounds! Your children can become fluent in a foreign language. This will surely be beneficial on their resumes and may help them receive valuable scholarships to get into the college of their choice.

Benefits of camouflage. If possible, get a domesticated artic fox. Their coat changes color depending on their environment, turning brown or gray so the fox can blend in with dirt and debris. This will provide hours of entertainment as your youngsters play hide and seek. And when things get so messy that they can no longer find their fox they will happily and willingly clean-up!

Clearly, he only mentioned it so that you could get one.
My 8 year old daughter opened a lemonade stand last summer and made herself over $50 in one afternoon – and that’s just one kid! Imagine what all 5 of yours could bring in. $9,000 is going to be easy!
(Oh and I should mention that she is a brilliant marketer. Lemonade was 50 cents and with each one, she offered a free joke.)

I must also get a domesticated fox! My maiden name was fox! I already have many fox themed items in my life.
It’s imperative that I acquire the living embodiment of my name. And, and, and, MY DAD’S NAME IS GEORGE FOX. I swear to all of quakerdom this is true! As I was reading and you got to the part about names, I thought to myself I’d name mine George.. and then you said it. I think we were meant to be best friends. I can’t wait to get together for play dates for our little foxes.