How does being shunned make you feel...

For me, the fact that my mother hasn't spoken to me for almost 3 years makes me feel sad for her. I look upon it as her loss and I counteract that sadness by realizing that I cannot control her but can only live my life with happiness and grace. I also like to regularly tell the people in my life how much I love them and appreciate their presence in my life. When you have lost people who aren't even dead, it makes you see how important all the people you still have in your life are and it feels good to tell them. I have found that as time has passed, I have stopped grieving my loss and really started to appreciate and celebrate what I do have in my life.

Of course, we are all at different stages of the healing process and wherever you are in that process, just know that it's ok and that with time and understanding, you can heal from the hurt of shunning. It's perfectly normal to feel sadness, anger, and total bewilderment at this unkind and unloving treatment. It's designed to bring on those feelings, isn't it? They want us to feel all those things with an added layer of shame and guilt to drive us back to the kingdom hall. But expecting and understanding the emotions that come along with shunning and putting actions in place to counteract them will help us never be dragged into the shame and guilt and consider going back to that hot mess that is the JW cult.

So, anyone have any counter-shunning techniques to share? Sometimes the most simple and practical things are the most powerful. Love and hugs-Michele

I told you I always enjoy your posts. You have great insights and you really make me think.

I'm not d'f'd. or da'd., just a fader for about two and a half yrs. now. But my only brother and sister-in-law have shunned me as if I was. They've not spoken one word to me in almost two years. My parents haven't completely shunned me, but what they do hurts just as bad. I make it a point to call them regularly, and just a couple days ago I called to ask them if they wanted to go out for breakfast Sun. morn. One of our sons is home from college for a rare few days, and I thought it would be a great opportunity for our whole fam. to visit my folks. But no sooner was the invitation out of my mouth than they said "Oh that doesn't sound like a good idea at all!" Made- up excuse after made- up excuse, and the conclusion was that they couldn't possibly go to breakfast for one frickin hour with their daughter and son-in-law and grandsons because...wait for it...yes of course...they are having the speaker over after their aft. meeting! OH MY GOD he probably had to drive 8 miles. They of course haven't had us over for 6 years, but Brother Local Yokel must be served. They haven't seen one of my boys in almost two years even though they only live about 20 miles away. I yelled a little (to which she replied "don't you try to make me feel guilty"), and then finally I just said "fine, call us if you ever want to get together."

It is so damn hard. I work hard at trying to accept that they are what they are, I can't change them, and so while I make sure I call from time to time, I will not beg for my own mother and father to love and care about me. The only thing I have employed of late is - I tell people. Not vindictively. But when my clients ask me about our Christmas plans or ask me about my family in general, I come right out and tell them that I have been shunned. I tell them it's all about religion. That since I no longer worship god the way they think I should, they have tried and convicted me and have judged me unworthy. I used to avoid the subject. I used to protect THEM. But that's all part of it for them, isn't it? I now tell it like it is, calmly, without ranting and raving. Witnesses think what they do is so right and correct, so they shouldn't hide it.

Beyond that, I agree with you that it's so important to make sure my own family (hubby and kids) knows how much I appreciate and love them. I have made it a life goal to love my children unconditionally, and to make sure they know that.

For those who shun us, well, it's THEIR loss. Let them enjoy their conditional friendships. And when they see us, we need to hold our heads up high. Never cower or act embarrassed or ashamed.

I am one of the lucky ones. There was only one person I cared if she shunned me. My family either never went in, or have gotten out. My closest friends, except that one, never were JWs. So, I am very lucky that way. I do miss my friend, but I'd never go back.

I am wondering if the house across the street sold to JWs. I don't know how to find out. But we've decided that if JWs live there, we'll never tell them I'm an ex. If they already know, fine. If not, no reason to tell them.

I see shunning as anti-Christian, anti-God. It shows a lack of compassion and a lack of charity. It is cult like and a control measure.

Michelle, glad to see how well you are doing, and your insight is good for the soul.

Happygoat, what a sad state of affairs when your parents put other before family, parents should always unconditionally love their children and although your parents talk to you it is hardly ideal, I feel for you. So glad that you have made a different decision about how you will treat your sons.

Shunning is their problem, but the ripples it spreads through families is terrible. For the sake of punishing one member all suffer so the the family can be used as tools to bring the supposedly erring one back, sick, sick sick.

Although I am doing the superficial thing with the TR... there is a barrier with my daughter who is in. She has told me how i should treat the other daughter and i have told her in no uncertain terms that I will not. She doesn't realize that if it wasn't for her, I'd flick the superficial as well. It will probably happen one day.

It doesn't bother me too much.. It's not a huge town I live in, and when I see someone, the ones that were actually good nice friends smile at me, and alot say hi still.. kinda makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.. I know they love me and miss me, but they're doing what they think is right. (not that I think it is.... lol) I like that they can see I'm still the same smiley person as I was before, I have a family now, and haven't turned into a crackhead or anything.
There are a few that USED to completely ignore me (aunt & uncle) but when I had my son, my aunt couldn't resist, when she'd see me in the mall or something, she'd come over and say hi to "him".. and it's been a little bit better since my grandma passed away. They've even dropped things off at my house from a 'worldly' family member out of town..
The ones that shun me are the ones that I generally didn't get along with anyway. My neighbor (who I used to know on a casual basis, couple years younger than me) 2 doors down won't even glance in my general direction, and that's just FINE with me!!

Edited to add that it USED to me feel awful... but shortly after I left the religion, I moved to a town about half an hour away, and rarely saw anyone, unless I came to town, which I tried not to do much.. LOL We moved back to town a couple of years ago, so i've seen people I haven't seen in YEARS. It usually surprises them when they see me, and they say Hi.. then they realize and/or remember that I'm DF'd..I don't know why it doesn't bother me very much... after I left tho, it's like something changed inside of me. I don't form an attachment to people that way I used to... The only people in life I truly would 'miss' are immediate family members.. husband, son, mom, dad, bro, in-laws... It's probably not normal, maybe a defense mechanism or something???

Being shunned makes me feel like shit. Does that answer your question? I'm sure there are those who might say they could care less, its the loss of the shunners not the shunned. Everybody is differant. I've been shunned over 30 years by my long since defunct disfunctional friends, and family members. It has made me feel hurt, sad, embarrased, like a total loser, lower than dirt. But I know they are showing me love by doing this, because its what the "fuckedup and disturbed slave" has told them. Eat me shorts! Thats not love! Its inhumane!

It has gotten easier to handle over time as I have learned to block it out. Time and distance makes it easier to deal with. Not seeing the shunners to give you the full impact helps. Relocating to a differant city or town if possible helps immensly. Moving on with your life and enjoying whatever "worldliness" that is available to "normal people", meaning people who aren't under the hammer of a demanding, demeaning cult, really helps. There really is life outside the ever controlling whims of a few disallusioned old men in Brooklyn.

I guess it depends on a person's personality as to how badly shunning would affect you, but personally I could not give a sweet monkey's b-hole what any of those Jesus freaks think of me or my lifestyle. I was never officially DF'd and thus the brainwashed sky daddy worshipers are not obligated to shun me, but when I made my opinions about the borg known every "friend" I had very quickly ceased any and all association with me, so I may as well have been DF'd in that regard. My family doesn't officially "shun" me, but me and my wife are rarely invited to any family outings unless it is through my grandparents who still show some semblance of love (even to my DF'd cousin), but once they pass away, I doubt I will see most of my JW family and that's fine by me. I get tired of being pitied because I have fallen away from "the truth" and it's painfully obvious when we're all together that me and my brother are looked down on, even though we've moved on to lead happy lives with great paying jobs and none of the bullshit that goes along with following the "sheep". It doesn't even cause me pain when I think about not seeing those people again...real friends and family are the ones that I have met since then and have life long bonds with that can't be broken over something so stupid as theology.

For the most part, I don't care all that much--there are a a few people I truly did care about and liked and for the most part, those are the people who will say hello and ask how I am when I run into them. The people who ignore me are generally the ones I have the worst memories of and don't want to talk to anyways :p My brother, though, it sometimes hurts that he pretends I no longer exist I was always there for him, no matter what, and we used to be very close. Most of the periods we've gone through where we weren't close were because of JW indoctrination--he was always much more self-righteous and was quick to judge every little move I made When it isn't hurting, I am irritated with him for being such a dumbass and shunning the only person who has ever consistently been there for him, despite his assitude. Oh, and I'm not DF'ed or DA'ed so my brother's shunning is of his own volition. Every few years he'll call and give a mini-sermon on the fact that the end is nigh and I'd better repent and return to the fold blah blah blah but its completely impersonal and just him patting himself on the back for being such a good brother and an excellent servant of J

Valerie-I have heard that a lot that those who aren't even df'd or da'd are shunned just like they are. They "mark" those who they think are spiritually weak and treat them horribly at a time when they may need friends the most. What they don't realize is that their tactics are what bring many ex-JWs to the conclusion that they could never be a part of any group that can treat people like they do. At least, that is how I feel. I am so sorry that your parents hurt you so much. Few in our lives have the power to hurt us like out parents do because their love is supposed to be unconditional. When we discover that it isn't, it can break our hearts into a million pieces, can't it? It's not right and we know in our hearts that it isn't, but we can't do anything about it. I know what you mean about not begging anyone to love you as I have come to feel the same way. Hugs my Valerie so tight!

Janet-I take it the house across the street has no holiday decorations? lol They may be JW. I'm sorry for the loss of your JW friend, but really do see it as HER loss. I have loved you as a friend for a long time and consider her loss my gain!

Froggie-I know what you mean about the superficial nature of having a relationship with an active JW. I did it for many years with my mother and I got to the point when I no longer could tolerate even that. It was starting to affect my physical health and that was a wake-up call for me about whether having a relationship with my JW mother was really worth it...for me. It wasn't and it was high time for me to start thinking about me for the first time in my life. You may or may not ever get to that place too, but just know that if you do, there is real peace to be found in the knowledge that at least your relationships are based on honesty and authenticity.

Deena-You bring up a very good point! Sometimes, for a new ex-JW, it is the best decision to move far enough away so that no JWs know you and that will allow you to start over with a certain level of privacy and anonymity. Doing that can be a lifesaver for an ex-JW who could not deal, emotionally, with the whole shunning thing.

Louie-I'm so sorry if this post hurt you even more than you are already being hurt by being shunned. Your anger is justified and I understand completely how you feel. But please know that just because shunning is designed to make you feel like a total loser and lower than dirt, does not in any way mean that you are. I have always seen you as a kind and caring person by reading your posts here and want you to know how sorry I am that anyone would treat you with so much unkindness and hatred. YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT! None of us do, but that is what the JWs do to try and make us come running back. That tactic rightfully backfires on them so often and in your case, I'm glad that it did. I am so glad to have you here Louie and want so much for you to feel peace in your life.

Vancity-I agree that a person's personality dictates, to a large degree, how shunning will affect them. I was always a very sensitive person, and shunning broke my heart into a million pieces, despite the fact that I knew it would happen. But fortunately for me, I have gotten to a place of not caring what any JW thinks of me, including my JW mother, and that is a wonderful place to be. I am proud of you for getting to the place that you are in and it is a testament to everyone here that we can all move beyond the shunning and just live our lives with happiness and grace. Good for you!

Piper-I know what you mean about being the only one there for your brother, yet he shuns you when things don't go the way he thinks they should with you. BTW- love the "assitude" reference. Sounds about right to me! Again, I just have to say that him not talking to you is 100% HIS loss! You are wonderful and I am glad to have you as a friend on this forum!

Louie ((hugs)) your post made me want to cry!!! I guess when your grieving for people who are still alive it's that much harder!

I've not had to deal with the shunning, given my personality, and the fact that I shunned my family I guess I'm getting an insight as to how they felt, I feel so guilty for doing it. but as it wasn't for religious differences and more to do with my emotional stabily I guess it's different!

It's gotten much better through the years but one thing that really pissed me off was when the jw family ignored my [never was jw] son and his children simply because they are my family. And they have ignored my husband too.

That any religion continues teaching hate under the banner of pisses me off...and hubby always reminds me he cannot afford bailing me out of jail for speaking too loudly at a public level because according to the legal system, although the WTBTS would be an organization that promotes hatred while hiding behind the system of legalities they condemn if I said or did something that someone finds offensive, I'll be charged with a "hate crime" because religion, the WTBTS included, plays both sides for their benefit.

Sooner or later when you lay with the Devil, you will fuck.

There is no separation of church and state ---they are bedfellows that want maintaining control over the masses.

Because my personality has always been one of a more sensitive nature, I usually take things straight to heart. It makes me feel unworthy, and dismissed. I too am neither disfellowshipped or disassociated but I sometimes have felt that I might as well be. At least that way I wouldn't have to worry about anyone talking to me or approaching me if they saw me out and about. Any tactics that makes someone feel inadequate, or bad, or unworthy is difficult to digest. Although I don't come from a particularly close family, it still does hurt that people that were close friends when I was active now act as if I no longer exist. I have one aunt still an active Witness but we talk only on rare occasions and she didn't speak to me at least for a good year or more when I first left. Because those at the Hall were my family and especially since my husband ( ex-Jw as well)and I are getting a divorce it is HELL sometimes when you don't have anyone to have in your corner that much.

@ Valerie, I felt so bad hearing how your parents reacted. If you were my family member and tried to reach out to me even though I had been not treating you so kindly, I would hope that would make me take a moment to realize just how loving you are. Some people have treasure in ther lives and just don't even realize it. Some of us would be honored to have such richness of spirit related to us!

Isn't it heartbreaking to stand back and read the posts on this thread!! We all know that shunning goes on, even though the society is always quick to deny any such thing...........but somehow using the 'collective' word never gets the enormity of the suffering across.......whereas seeing each individuals pain is truly gut-wrenching!!

We try to help each other to deal with this cruel practice, when really we should not be having to deal with something that is so alien to any kind of real love........or any religion that professes to show real love to one another.........

I wasn't shunned by my JW mother, because she died before I became inactive..............but I did lose everybody that had made up my life up to that point...........even being denied the 'privilege' of visiting who I used to consider my closest friend. when she was dying prematurely of pancreatic cancer.......

I begged her to let me visit......but evidently I was not worthy of even a reply, apart from being told by a 3rd party that she had all the practical and spiritual help she needed from her 'brothers and sisters'

I know how painful that was for me, but I can't even begin to understand the desolation felt if that shunning is carried out by those whose love should be unconditional.........so I just wanted to say to all of you who are going through this, that I am so sorry for your pain................this doesn't answer your situation, but I hope that airing your pain here and receiving true compassion from others who truly understand will be of some comfort to those who have been betrayed in this cruellest of ways......

I have to agree with Louie. Although I was df'ed for immorality, having left my mentally ill wife, my family and fiends were very aware of my intense depression and mental issues.I spoke of suicide often. I developed a fairly severe mental conditon for which I take several medications.So while i understand they feel they're doing what they "have" to do, I know that i personally would never have treated any of my family and friends the way they're treating me now, especially if i was aware of the whole story.
My wife's texted me not long after i left that she was improving mentally and that it was necessary for me to leave in order for her to progress.I still have the text. At that point i could still communicate with my kids via text and i shared that info with my boys but it didn't matter.The last text from my youngest son said "I'm done with you, you are not my father."That was 2 months ago.
I wrote a letter to my mother, which i posted on this site.After i left i discovered much about her past indiscretions and how badly she teated my older brother, who was df'ed 25 years ago.What shocked me was her hypocrisy and lack of "natural affection" for her flesh and blood.That goes for the rest of my family and ex-friends. My family was my life, and I lived only for them for a decade. We were so close. I still have days when i just curl up in bed and cry over the loss of my sons, whom i was so close to.But after much research I know it is a sham and i can never return.
So in a nutshell being shunned is the single most painful experience i have ever faced. But every day i get stronger.I will survive this.Hell, maybe someday my kids will come around.Maybe i can save someone along the way.Maybe someday i'll know true happiness.At least now there's a light at the end of the tunnel.There was only darkness before.

sing it from the heart, sing it 'til you're nutssing it for the ones that will hate your gutssing it for the deaf, sing it for the blindsing it for the ones that you've left behindsing it for the world...

Aw, thank you, Michelle I am very glad to be able to call all of you friend as well! It took me eleven years to find fellow exJWs--guess the whole "they are evil" thing took a while to shed I am pretty darn great most of the time I guess that's why I feel more irritation than anything for my brother for being, well, him

My husband and I are shunned at different levels, depending on the family member. It almost bothers me more to be partially shunned. I'm referring to the people who will talk to us if we call them or if they happen to see us, but would never invite us to their house or include us in any of their social or family functions. The real hurt comes when they INSIST that they're not treating us any differently. They refuse to acknowledge that they're shunning us in any way, yet we know exactly what's happening. It's the same old line that JW's have always used when their old "worldly" friends want to know why they're not associating with them anymore -- "Oh no, we're not cutting you out of our lives. We're just so busy." I found out that my husband's family had an anniversary party and professional family pictures taken recently. (Thanks to Facebook) The online album was entitled, "Jones (alias) Family Pictures." So, the entire family was too "busy" to remember to invite us???????? If the family had even an ounce of honesty in them, then they would have called to ask our three children to be part of the family pictures, even though we weren't invited. My children have to be wiped out of the family, because of a dip in the pool that my husband and I took 23 years ago, when we were both 16 years old!?! One of my husband's siblings brought theirdog to the event. The DOG ranks higher in the family than my three innocent children!!!!!! That dog made it into the professional family pictures, but not my kids! I think I could deal with the shunning and partial shunning easier, if it
weren't for the hurt and guilt I have for how it affects my children.

As if the JW shunning weren't bad enough, I've also been completely cut out of my father's life. (Incidentally, he's been disfellowshipped since I was a small child.) He divorced my mother and remarried when I was 14 years old. I was a very shy child, who only wanted peace in the family; but that was never going to happen with my stepmother in it. She was bound and determined to get rid of me. She finally succeeded completely, about seven years ago. It's interesting, because she employed the same mind-control tactics as the JW religion uses. She never came right out and told my father that he had to cut me out of his life, but she guided him in making the decision. He knew that she would never be happy, until I was gone for good; so he finally wrote me a break-up letter. When I called him, begging and pleading with him to love me, he said, "I'm sorry, Peggy (alias), it just wasn't meant to be for us." Is that something a father says??? I feel like I'm blocked at every turn! My husband's family partially shuns us, my JW family (mother's side of the family) shuns us completely, and the one tiny bit of family I had left (father's side) will now have nothing to do with me, because my father wrote me out of his life! At least with the JW's, I can say that I did something (told them that I no longer believed in the JW religion) to deserve the punishment (I know I didn't really do anything to deserve it.); but with my father, I tripped all over myself, trying to get along with his wife. I tried everything, but it wasn't good enough! He didn't love me enough to inconvenience himself in his marriage! It's the same feeling I have with all the JW's. There just have to be many of them who know it's not "The Truth," but it would be too much trouble for them to leave all their friends and try to start a new life, just to be able to see us again. They don't love us enough to inconvenience themselves!

The emptiness and sense of injustice is overwhelming, at times. Worst of all, anyone who hears our story has a dismissive reply of, "You're better off without them." It's the end of the story, as far as they're concerned. I feel like I've been ripped off! I don't even get permission to grieve for a dead friend or relative; yet I have hundreds of them! They're all dead to me! Whenever someone's loved one dies, it's expected that they'll cry and not be themselves for a little while. They get sympathy and compassion, for a period of time. Even years later, if they bring up the death and have a small cry, it's understandable. We're expected to write all those people out of our lives forever and not mention the hurt it causes us to have all those "dead" loved-ones who didn't love us enough to inconvenience themselves! I always tell my children that when I die, they can take comfort in knowing that I LOVED them more than anything else in the world!

"I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief"

After reading the posts my heart goes out and I'm empathic to every story. To sunerom: Your post almost brought me to tears. I wish you love, peace and healing!

My grandmother was the only JW in the family that mattered and frankly I was almost out the JW door before she passed.So, there wasn't any major shunning from those that truly love me. As stated above, those are the relationships that really matter.

BUT, because I married (divorced now) and have children that are witnesses (20 y/o-baptsd and 17 y/o -n/baptsd - yet), my children are mostly emotionally distant and judgemental.

My children make me feel that they carry an armor around their hearts towards me in order to keep the "worldly-ness" away that will leap on them when I attempt to give them a hug.Judgemental of everything I do or say. (Some of that may be normal for young people that age, but its 10 times more due to the jw beliefs for me because that it what they "compare" me to.)I try never to "dumb-down" what I have to say when I'm saying it to them, but conflict occurs when it is a direct conflict to something they learned at the KH.

I knew that this post was going to break my heart. Shunning is hands-down, one of the most cruel things one human being can do to another. For a group of people who claim to be so loving, how can they possibly rationalize this? I ask that because I used to shun too and only did it because I was told to. I never felt right about it though. It didn't feel...natural or normal to me.

Here is a practical suggestion for dealing with shunning that I actually did right after my JW mother started to shun me. I attended Hospice grief support group meetings. There are many ways to experience loss, such as any relationship break-up, being fired from a job, a death, and yes, even shunning is considered a loss. For me, I think it would actually be easier to deal with if my mother had died. I have lost her, but she's still alive. For a few years, I harbored a secret hope that I would someday get her back. But after 1 year of therapy, I have learned to accept her loss to the cult and let her go. It sounds sad to think about that, but it was actually a relief to understand that I can't fix her. I can only heal myself and move on.

I think that it helps in the healing merely by reading others stories and understanding that you are not alone in how you feel. Knowing this does not take the pain away, but it certainly makes you feel less alone and that in itself can help to counteract the intended affects of shunning. Isolating and dehumanizing the one being shunned is intended to send that person running back to the kingdom hall. Many go back, not because they still believe it, but they just can't stand the loneliness. It's designed that way. How many JWs are JWs because they can't comprehend the alternative for themselves? Makes ya wonder, eh?

I have heard that being a JW is like being in prison, but the bars are around your mind. Sometimes I see the prison analogy being quite literal. The GB controls where JWs go, when they go, who they go with, how long they stay...etc. How is that any different from being in prison? Sounds like a typical 6' by 8' jail cell to me.

Here is another practical counter-shunning tactic: Just keep reminding yourself of how much more unhappy you would be all the time if you were still a JW. No matter how angry or sad we sometimes feel, it could always be worse.

I just wish I could scoop you all up and hug you all so tight! Especially you, Louie! You are wonderful, and although there are people in your life who should appreciate that about you and don't, there are plenty of folks here who do! Love and hugs to everyone! Michele

peggy wrote:
My husband and I are shunned at different levels, depending on the family member.

My wife and i are in the same boat Peggy.......it depends on the family member. Despite supporting my ex gay, pot smoking, tarot card reading brother through all his endless life dramas, i am being shunned YET AGAIN!!! and im over it. Despite having a poor relationship with my parents i still try to maintain something out of the nuclear fallout caused by that religion but it looks like that last little bit of family may have been destroyed by my brother so im at the point of wiping them from my life.

I'm fortunate in having rebuilt my relationship with my parents early on ... it's only since my mum's cancer diagnosis that they've both started to shut me and my non-JW siblings out a little, and that's despite my non-JW sister and bro still living in their home. It's not easy to take the religion out of the person is it!

As for the shunning I've received over the past 30 years ... it was initially something that got up my nose and made me cross ... and is now something that makes me laugh and even more determined to be nice and friendly to those who shun me. I will go out of my way to walk across the other side of the road that they've just crossed to ... street zigzagging CAN be fun I will go out of my way to say a nice loud cheerful 'hello (add their name) and how are you?' ... when they don't answer it's not me who looks like a dick!

At the end of the day ... I head off to bed happy and light-hearted. I may be a long-term insomniac with liberal sprinklings of help from my j-dub upbringing (waiting for the world to end in 1975 had its moments) ... however I can at least head off there knowing I don't have to pay lip service to something I don't believe (which many do) ... I don't have to actively participate in anyone's game of shunning ... and I am not living my life worrying about what brother and sister so and so think.

You are right Michele ... living the j-dub lifestyle can be likened to being in a prison. Not just mentally either. It's such a damaging religion and the added burden of being shunned makes the lives of former j-dubs too challenging in some cases.