Bills @ Jets

Rex Ryan can never shut the fuck up. Just try and stop him from putting his foot in his mouth. All week, Rex has been busy making this game all about his return to New York and then chastising the media because they’re making it all about him. It’s like Rex is whipping his dick out and yelling at people for looking at his dick. I hate Rex Ryan so much. Regardless of how much weight he loses, Rex will always be the same loud fat idiot. There is no justice in the NFL if the Jets lose to this asshole.

Win: New York Jets

Lions @ Packers

Aaron Rodgers is not losing at Lambeau against the Lions.

Win: Green Bay Packers

Panthers @ Titans

Fuck the Titans. Seriously, I have no idea what this team is doing on a week-to-week basis. Carolina should clobber Tennessee, which means the Mariota will pull off a miracle upset. It’s Mularkey.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Bears @ Rams

Jay Cutler is playing just well enough for Chicago to stick with him one more season. Congratulations, Bears fans. Expect Smokin’ Jay to show why he’s such an insufferable prick after St. Louis picks him off a couple times. Let’s hope the Rams can win without killing Wes Welker in his 2015 debut.

Win: St. Louis Rams

Dolphins @ Eagles

Could the Eagles actually win the NFC East? Philadelphia will face a challenge with the newly minted tough-nose Dolphins. Does smash mouth football beat a finesse volume offense? The Eagles might be putting things together by utilizing multiple tight ends to help their struggling offensive line.

Win: Philadelphia Eagles

Browns @ Steelers

Johnny Manziel vs. Landry Jones! This ain’t your grandpa’s NFL!

Win: Cleveland Browns

Cowboys @ Buccaneers

Is Tony Romo back yet? Dallas’ downward spiral has entered full-on tailspin mode. If the Cowboys can’t overcome the Buccaneers, then who can they beat?

Win: Dallas Cowboys

Saints @ Redskins

Watch out, New Orleans is nearing a return to respectability. The same will never be said about Dan Snyder.

Win: New Orleans Saints

Jaguars @ Ravens

With Andrew Luck’s lacerated kidney, Blake Bortles has a legitimate chance to win the AFC South. In any other year, it would be a total joke to think Jacksonville could upset the Ravens at home in Baltimore. Without any healthy receivers and Baltimore’s talent-deficiencies in several areas, it’s no longer an upset for Jacksonville to pull off the road win. All aboard the Bortles Hype Train. Choo-choo!

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Vikings @ Raiders

We’re certain Teddy Bridgewater is alright after having his brains bashed into the ground last week? I’m not so sure. Oakland is rolling right now, and I’d rather side with Derek Carr at home than Teddy Ballgame on the road. Jack Del Rio is a perfect fit as head coach of the Raiders.

Win: Oakland Raiders

Chiefs @ Broncos

Is this finally the first time the Kansas City Chiefs beat Peyton Manning since he’s been with the Denver Broncos? Peyton has been vulnerable all year, but Manning has made the necessary throws to win most of their games. With Denver’s defense playing at an all-time high when they’re not poking out opponent’s eyes, the Broncos should be able to take care of business against the pop-gun Kansas City attack.

Win: Denver Broncos

Patriots @ Giants

Stick to the script. We need a close, competitive game that the Patriots win. After waltzing through the regular season undefeated, New England will once again meet the New York Giants in the Super Bowl.

Win: New England Patriots

Cardinals @ Seahawks

I want nothing more than the Cardinals to clobber the Seahawks in Seattle to shut the 12th Man up once and for all…for this year. Since I can’t ever be happy, the Seahawks will find a way to actually incorporate Jimmy Graham in their offense just in time to turn into an unstoppable force for a playoff run. Arizona needs to strike the death blow now. I have a bad feeling that the Cardinals could lose Carson Palmer for a stretch if this game turns ugly in the rainy, muddy slop.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Texans @ Bengals

Cincinnati is suddenly at juggernaut status in the AFC. Wouldn’t it be hilarious to see them lose in primetime to Brian Hoyer and the Texans? I am actively rooting for that scenario.