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Nani Palkhiwala, the eminent Indian lawyer, wrote this on 16 January 1984, about his dog and then compared him with the Indian Politician.

The picture that emerges is that of a great country in a state of moral decay. The immediate future seems to belong to the doomsayers rather than to cheer mongers. We suffer from a fatty degeneration of conscience, and the malady seems to be not only persistent but prone to aggravation. The life style of too many politicians and businessmen bears eloquent testimony to the truth of dictum that the single minded pursuit of money impoverishes the mind, shrivels the imagination and desiccates the heart. The tricolor fluttering all over the country is black, red and scarlet – black money, red tape and scarlet corruption.

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day, He has his food prepared for him, He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. By the way he does not need to pay for medical insurance He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head. My dog is like the Indian Politician. The difference is, he is honest and grateful for what he gets.

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The Darwin Awards are out . It’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

The glorious winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The frustrated gunman walked away.

And, a 5-star stupidity award winner:

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had .

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. Remember….They walk among us…they can reproduce…and, they VOTE !

Like this:

It doesn’t matter if you like change or hate change. Change is here to stay … as ironic as that sounds. And you’ve only got two choices: You can muddle your way through it or you can manage your way through it. Whether certain things should or should not change is open to debate. The fact still remains that you must learn to manage your way through it. Change is tough enough without getting into a pity party over it. Find something to laugh about.

A school district in California was having huge difficulties with students and parents not taking responsibility for excessive absences and missing homework. So the school tried to implement much stricter policies. Of course, some of the parents went berserk and threatened the school and teachers with lawsuits if they didn’t change their children’s grades, even though their children were absent 15 to 30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

I like the way some teachers said they would have liked to respond. They didn’t actually do it, but they wanted the school’s outgoing answering machine to say the following:

“Hello. You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection.

To lie about why your child is absent, press 1.

To make excuses for why your child did not do his homework, press 2.

To complain about what we do, press 3.

To swear at staff members, press 4.

To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you, press 5.

If you want us to raise your child, press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone, press 7.

To request another teacher, for the third time this year, press 8.

To complain about bus transportation, press 9.

To complain about school lunches, press 0.

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it’s not the teacher’s fault for your child’s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!”

There’s a lot of wisdom in what those teachers and that school district wanted to say because they found the humor in a very difficult and changing situation.

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Here is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable:

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking BA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“BA?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of BA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me”

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Here is an excerpt from a humorous conversation between a Health Freak and a witty Doctor. The Doctor has acquired this streak, especially, after his own recent sickness.

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it; don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: You are not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could eating more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans. Another vegetable. It’s the best feel-good food around.

Q: Is swimming well for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ’round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And, for those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.

Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion : Eat and drink what you like. And remember, ‘’Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways ,Chardonnay in one hand chocolate in the other , body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, ‘what a ride!’.’’

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The morals drawn from the following five lessons, although in a humorous vein, will make you Street Smart.

Lesson 1

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish’. ‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world’. Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life’. Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up’, the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch’.

Moral: Always let your boss have the first say.

* * *

Lesson 2

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up!

* * *

Lesson 3

A turkey was chatting with a bull… ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’ Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. ‘They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. The turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

* * *

Lesson 4

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak’.

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

* * *

Lesson 5

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $ 500 to drop that towel.’ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $ 500 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbour’ she replies. ‘Great!’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $ 500 he owes me?’

Moral: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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A fixed, commonly held notion or image of a person or group, based on an oversimplification of some observed or imagined trait of behaviour or appearance. Stereotypes are as old as human culture itself. They reflect ideas that groups of people hold about others who are different from them.

A stereotype can be embedded in single word or phrase (such as, “jock” or “nerd”), an image, or a combination of words and images. The image evoked is easily recognized and understood by others who share the same views.

Stereotypes can be either positive (“black men are good at basketball”) or negative (“women are bad drivers”). But most stereotypes tend to make us feel superior in some way to the person or group being stereotyped. Stereotypes ignore the uniqueness of individuals by painting all members of a group with the same brush.

Stereotypes can appear in the media because of the biases of writers, directors, producers, reporters and editors. But stereotypes can also be useful to the media because they provide a quick identity for a person or group that is easily recognized by an audience. When deadlines loom, it’s sometimes faster and easier to use a stereotype to characterize a person or situation, than it is to provide a more complex explanation.

Given below are some hilarious examples of ‘stereotypes’ , all in a lighter vein :

* * *

Pakistan and suicide bombers may not seem the most likely comic fodder for a vice-regal function, but that didn’t stop Lt.Gov. John Crosbie (of Newfoundland and Labrador).

The Queen’s representative in Newfoundland and Labrador, a notoriously quotable former Tory warhorse, apologized for a joke he made while swearing in cabinet ministers, if that offended anyone.

It went like this: “This fellow said, ‘I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., I called a suicide hotline and got a call centre in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.’ ”

Crosbie got boisterous laughs from the roomful of Progressive Conservative government members at the time.

“Everyone seemed to appreciate the jokes and have a laugh because that’s what they were — jokes,” he said in an interview. “You can either bore an audience to death, or I try to say something that will keep them listening. These were jokes to do with… the desperate economic situation the world now faces, particularly in the United States. However, if some are offended, then I would apologize to those offended. They’re not racist jokes or anything else, in my opinion.”

“But it is a fact, of course, that they’ve had a lot of difficulty in Pakistan. They’re right next door to Afghanistan and the rest of it. But the joke had nothing racist about Pakistan in it. At least, I didn’t think so. When I am no longer lieutenant-governor, I intend to speak my mind on any issues I wish, but at the present time, I have to be circumspect. You don’t want to be offending people if they’re that sensitive.” — The Canadian Press , 11/4/2011

* * *

A Chinese decides to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a small piece of land. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinaman running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt the Chinese thinking that these are some ‘Chinese customs’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another ‘Chinese custom’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese leading a bull down the drive-way,…pause…., and then put his left ear next to the bull’s butt.

The Aussie bloke couldn’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese and says, ‘Jeez mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s butt, it could just about shit on you.’

The Chinese is very taken back and says, ‘Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing…these true Australian customs.’

‘What do you mean mate’, says the Aussie, ‘Those aren’t Australian customs.’

Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me’ replied the Chinese , ‘He say to become true Australian, I must learn to….. chase chicks,….. get piss drunk, and …. listen to bull-shit.’

* * *

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .

Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

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Charley Reese (born January 29, 1937) is a syndicated columnist known for his plainspoken manner and conservative views. He was associated with the Orlando Sentinel from 1971–2001, both as a writer and in various editorial capacities. King Features Syndicate distributed his column, which was published three times a week.

This is the text of Charley Reese’s final column for the Orlando Sentinel. I found this article, on the internet, a few days ago.

The article below is completely neutral, neither anti-republican nor democrat. This is about as clear and easy to understand as it can be. Charley Reese has hit the nail directly on the head, defining clearly who it is that in the final analysis must assume responsibility for the judgments made that impact each one of us every day. It’s a short but good read. Worth the time! Worth remembering! This was a very interesting last column from Charley Reese. Be sure to read the poem at the end.

545 vs. 300,000,000 People

– By Charley Reese

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered, if both, the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, why do we have deficits? Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, why do we have inflation and high taxes?

You and I don’t propose a federal budget. The President does. You and I don’t have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of Representatives does. You and I don’t write the tax code, Congress does. You and I don’t set fiscal policy, Congress does. You and I don’t control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one President, and nine Supreme Court justices equates to 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.

I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.

I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a President to do one cotton-picking thing. I don’t care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator’s responsibility to determine how he votes.

Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits. The President can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.

The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House now? He is the leader of the majority party. He and fellow House members, not the President, can approve any budget they want. If the President vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million cannot replace 545 people who stand convicted — by present facts — of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can’t think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it’s because they want it unfair. If the budget is in the red, it’s because they want it in the red. If the Army and Marines are in Iraq and Afghanistan it’s because they want them in Iraq and Afghanistan . If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it’s because they want it that way. There are no insoluble government problems.

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like “the economy,” “inflation,” or “politics” that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible. They, and they alone, have the power.

They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses. Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees. We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

What you do with this article now that you have read it , is up to you. This might be funny if it weren’t so true. Be sure to read all the way to the end:

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom, if agreed, stayed home to raise the kids.What in the heck happened?

Can you spell ‘politicians?’

I hope this goes around the USA at least 545 times!!! You can help it get there!! Go Ahead. . . Be an American!!

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Another hilarious piece of write up on English language, as spoken and understood in Pakistan, India’s neighbor. A contribution by Masood Hasan from Pakistan, this is simply a delightful read…

Those of us who had the good fortune to be taught English by Mr. Hugh Catchpole who was our principal at Cadet College, Hasan Abdal, were always hauled up for messing with the Queen’s English. Mr. Catchpole would have none of that. From him we learnt – at least some of us did the basics of English; not so much the rules which for instance I still don’t know, but the art of the language.

He taught us to think in English untainted by flags and borders; he taught us the language to equip us for the lives that lay ahead. I often wonder what Mr. Catchpole would have thought of the language as it survives in a crumbling state in Pakistan. Not much I can tell you.

He once wrote a short piece called ‘Urdu Made Easy,’ which regretfully I am unable to reproduce in its entirety, but here are a few lines worth sharing.

“I’m sure that some must really be thinking that the learning of Urdu is as easy as winking. But this is a matter where I don’t agree for the writing of Urdu seems tricky to me.

In English the letters are just twenty six, and the way that we make them has no funny tricks but Urdu requires some nine letters more, though why they are needed I’m really not sure.

And the shape of each letter does seem to demand on its place in the middle, beginning or end and some can be joined while others cannot, which certainly puzzles my brain quite a lot.”

And much as I would like to continue, I have to end this delightful little piece. Concluded Mr. Catchpole: “Now genders in Urdu are a puzzle to me, a stool is a ‘he’ and a table a ‘she. ‘But try all I can, I am quite unable to imagine a stool making love to a table.’ So now, I suppose you are thinking that in writing such nonsense I must have been drinking.”

Some years back, a friend of mine in a London pub smoking and drinking the nectar of the gods – this was when pubs were pubs and you could smoke, was accosted by a genial Sikh gent, who was quite merry. The gent said, ‘Where you are from behind?’ My friend thought this was a pick up line and nervously looked back at the grinning Sardar Ji and then turned and looked ‘behind’ him. Sardar Ji understood and thumped him cordially, ‘I am meaning where you are from behind? Lahore? Amritsar?’ Since then we have progressed much here and it is common to hear gems like, ‘‘the office is at the backside.’’

And long after the Queen’s rule is over, we are still occupied with ruining whatever remains of that language. I was not distressed but simply puzzled to read a few winters back this large news item in a Lahore paper, which claimed that ‘Meeters and Greeters in for a surprise with a thud’. It was revealed a little later that people arriving at the Lahore airport on a foggy morning found flights delayed or cancelled.

Who were the ‘meeters’? Why, those who were at the airport to meet people! And the ‘greeters’ were merely those who had come to greet their friends or family arriving or leaving Lahore. The ‘thud’ was basically to tell the reader that all experienced a rude shock, the ‘thud’ sort of conveying the sound of someone suddenly sitting down in a chair or receiving some shocking news. ‘Jhatka’ in Urdu had been happily translated into a ‘thud.’

Most people are asking you to ‘touch’ them on their cell phones and insist that so and so’s ‘repute’ is superb. You are also often advised to ‘mind, please’ and people are leaving stones turned at what can only be called an alarming rate. The credit for ‘thanks be to Allah’ belongs only to the Pakistani cricket players and officials and many things remain ‘under your kind control,’ so many years later.

I am also convinced that Pakistanis are no longer able to tell apart words that sound the same such as ‘lose’ and ‘loose,’ ‘fare’ and ‘fair.’ These words and dozens more are in a happy cooking pot. The stew is served daily from the Presidency (where AZ apparently spelt God as ‘Gawd’) down to the clerical staff which requires you to ‘proceed through proper channel,’ or the equally loved, ‘concerned authority’. We all know from bitter experience that had the authority been ‘concerned’ we wouldn’t be in such a sorry state. The evergreen ‘I damn care’ is a classic as also this sublime message at the back of a rickshaw. Translated freely from ‘Aa mujh say payar kar,’ (come and love me) it now read, ‘I Love Me’.

That being that, I can only share parts of another nugget with you to make your holiday a little less painful.

We are a unique species, aren’t we? Not humans. Indians, I mean. No other race speaks or spells like we do.

Take greetings for example.

A friendly clerk asking me for my name is apt to start a conversation with, “What is your good name?” As if I hold that sort of information close to my heart and only divulge my evil pseudonym. Bizarre.

I call these Indianisms.

Which got me thinking about a compilation, a greatest hits of the most hilarious Indianisms out there. And here they are. The most common ones and my favorites among them.

1. ‘Passing out’

When you complete your studies at an educational institution, you graduate from that institution.

You do not “pass out” from that institution.

To “pass out” refers to losing consciousness, like after you get too drunk, though I’m not sure how we managed to connect graduating and intoxication.

Oh wait … of course, poor grades throughout the year could lead to a sudden elation on hearing you’ve passed all of your exams, which could lead to you actually “passing out,” but this is rare at best.

2. ‘Kindly revert’

One common mistake we make is using the word revert to mean reply or respond.

Revert means “to return to a former state.”

I can’t help thinking of a sarcastic answer every time this comes up.

“Please revert at the earliest.”

“Sure, I’ll set my biological clock to regress evolutionarily to my original primitive hydrocarbon state at 1 p.m. today.”

3. ‘Years back’

If it happened in the past, it happened years ago, not “years back.”

Given how common this phrase is, I’m guessing the first person who switched “ago” for “back” probably did it years back. See what I mean?

And speaking of “back,” asking someone to use the backside entrance sounds so wrong.

“So when did you buy this car?”

“Oh, years back.”

“Cool, can you open the backside? I’d like to get a load in.”

4. ‘Doing the needful’

Try to avoid using the phrase “do the needful.” It went out of style decades ago, about the time the British left.

Using it today indicates you are a dinosaur, a dinosaur with bad grammar.

You may use the phrase humorously, to poke fun at such archaic speech, or other dinosaurs.

“Will you do the needful?”

“Of course, and I’ll send you a telegram to let you know it’s done too.”

Like this:

A magazine recently ran a ‘Dilbert Quotes’ contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes:

”As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA)”What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.” (Lykes Lines Shipping)

”E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” (Accounting Manager, Electric Boat Company)”This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.” (Advertising/ Marketing Manager, United Parcel Service)”Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.” (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

”No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I”ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.” (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing / 3M Corp)Quote from the Boss: ”Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing Executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, ”That would be better for me.” (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

”We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Like this:

The kids filled back into the class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next, “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” “Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467.” he said. “$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?” “Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.” They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog shit!” Then I would say, “It is dog shit. Want to buy a toothbrush?”

“I used the ‘marketing’ approach of giving something shitty for free, and then making the beneficiary pay to get the bad taste out of his mouth.”

Like this:

A Somalian arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, ”Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!”

The passerby says, ” You are mistaken, I am Mexican.”

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ”Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada!”

The person says, ”I not Canadian, I am Vietnamese.”

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, ”Thank you for the wonderful Canada!”

That person puts up his hand and says, ”I am from Middle East, I am not Canadian!”

Like this:

An elderly (98) lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1– To make an appointment to see me.

2– To query a missing payment.

3– To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4– To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5– To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6– To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7– To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the authorized contact.)

8– To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9– To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?