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Today I spent so much of my day running from God. It started really well actually, had a job interview in the morning that went really well, did my laundry, felt great! Then the girl I’ve been pursuing cancels on coffee this week (which I was totally looking forward to D=) because she’s sick, which is totally fine! But… as I was rescheduling with her it seemed more and more like she wasn’t as keen as I was. Huge bummer because I thought I had moved out of the friendzone.

It hurt.

The rest of the day was mostly a blur, my brain felt groggy and slow and my emotions were everywhere. I also felt like I was avoiding God not really wanting to talk to Him or hear from Him.

I guess I felt far from Him because I was pushing Him away.

At least until now at the classic time of 2:11am where I just have to talk to God and face Him otherwise I’d probably explode.

Time to uncover and face my insecurities.

I decided to go back to one of the habits I used to have which was Praying through the Psalms and decided to write out some prayers I had in response to some of Psalm 9.

“I will praise You, O LORD, with all my heart;
I will tell of all Your wonders.
I will be glad and rejoice in You;
I will sing praises to Your name, O MOST High.”

-Psalm 9:1-2

Father God would You help me to remember Your goodness and character.

Help me to praise You with every single bit of my heart not with holding anything for myself.

Would I testify to Your goodness to all around me.

I drew a heart on the side of that verse and coloured it in and wrote : “ALL my heart. NOT SOME.” I knew that I wanted to hold parts of my heart to myself and not give it over to God in praise. But that’s not how worship is, God demands ALL of us, not SOME of us, not MOST of us, but ALL of us. Not even 99%. I can’t hold even that 1%.

Would God take ALL of me and would I be a living sacrifice giving Him the praise that He deserves.

“Those who know Your name will trust You,
for You, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek You.”

-Psalm 9:10

I’m sorry that I forgot You were near me God and that I didn’t trust You. I looked at my own insecurities and fears and tried to deal with them myself.

Would You help me to seek You knowing that You are near, knowing that Your Spirit dwells within me.

Would You help me to trust You, knowing that I can’t actually deal with these things myself.

This verse hit me hard when I read it out loud. It was as if God was speaking to me showing me pretty clearly that I had forgotten all about Him today. But it felt like He was speaking to me so gently at the same time… it wasn’t like He was condemning me or putting me down but instead… reassuring me. “Trust me for I am WITH YOU” is what I felt He was saying to me.

What an insanely timely comfort.

You know that feeling of peace inside that comes only after You’ve given everything to God? Yeah… that’s how I feel now. I’m still sad, and I’m still not sure what’s up with things but I do know the more important things. God’s calling me to walk with Him, to remember that He is near and to praise Him. I don’t know a lot of things in my life, but if I can be walking with God, remembering that He’s near and praising Him I’m sure things will turn out just fine :)

“The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.”