Today

lying in bed, it’s 9.35am, it was 6am a minute ago. I’ve been searching and searching for something to help me write because it’s the only way I know I can start to get the rot out of me. It’s at a point where I feel like I could throw up the entire contents of my life at any given moment, I feel so nauseous with it.

i need to try and write this stuff down because I have no other outlet and I know it must all come out of me now, there’s no holding back, I can’t put the lid back on this time and surpress it any longer, it’s been 30 years too long.

this just isn’t like me, I don’t do Ill, I don’t do lying in bed at 9.35am on a weekday morning, I don’t do being off work, I don’t do tired and can’t be arsed, I dont do this but I’m doing them all, I’m broken and don’t know how to put the pieces back together. You see it doesn’t matter how many times I’m told try counselling, anti depressants, talking to people ….. It just doesn’t help.

I’ve tried counselling and it got me nowhere, perhaps I just haven’t had the good fortune and finances to be able to find one that can truly unravel me.

im not going down the anti depressant route EVER, I AM NOT DEPRESSED! I’m tired, exhausted, flooded with negativity that has been in my life since my teens, things are held inside my head only that I find so difficult to get out, but out is now necessary, now it has put me in hospital it must come out.