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Just in case my wife is sick or something happens, I'd like to open auditions to be my backup valentine this year. The best candidates will be put on standby, and will be notified within 24 hours of Valentine's Day as to whether their love will be needed for the daily festivities. Candidates must be willing to give and receive kisses.

Your application arrived 20 minutes after the deadline, and it was missing your signature on page 3. Maybe you should have gotten your change together sooner and read the forms a little more carefully?