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This is what I came home from the hospital to. So very kind and sweet and thoughtful…but it really does make me realize how sick I am. I do have cancer, and I just can’t hide that fact anymore.

My chemo starts in 3 weeks and I have a lot going through my brain. When chemo starts I can’t go anywhere where there are crowds, or people, or where I’d have a chance to get sick. Seems like a sad place to be. I need to make the most out of this time.

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Just got the good news I can leave at 11:30 from the ICU and head home. I’m still in quite a bit of pain, but I will be happy to be in my own bed tonight. It’s also the realization that chemo is just around the corner and how hard and difficult that will be to get through. I don’t know much about it, and I’m just not ready to look into it. I had a port implanted under my skin during surgery that they will use during the treatments for access.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to help us so far. There should be enough upbeat info in this post to satisfy John 😉

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well today was awful. my bandages had to changed and it was overwhelming. I kept my eyes closed and didn’t look at anything. Then my epidural came out today and i was in pain. Catheter also came out, so that’s good (see John…a good thing:)

Beyond the dressings coming off and scaring me to death, a nurse came in (not my nurse.) and scared me worse. telling me a story about a friend who is 30 and terminal from breast cancer and chooses alternative methods. That doesn’t bother me, what bothers me is she just told someone who is 32 and just found out they have cancer a week ago that “hey I know someone with breast cancer who is young, and yeah she’s terminal.” What? I need stories that uplift. Stories of hope!

I love having visitors in the hospital.It sort of keeps my mind off of things and this Sicilian girl loves to chit chat 🙂 It’s hard to explain unless you have cancer. I want to hear upbeat stories. Stories of trial and tribulation…but ALL with happy endings. At least for now.

Now onto the happy part:) I have great family and friends that I saw today. So much fun:) My surgeon even stopped by on his day off and said I looked great. It’s the small victories!

My icing on the cake today? The sweetest joys I have had, and will ever have????? My kids:) 🙂 🙂 There was no happier moment than seeing their faces running into my hospital room:) I love them and adore every moment God gives me with them:)

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That is how I feel. This is a battle everyday, and everyday brings new feelings. I am mad, I am angry, and I am pissed. I don’t feel like I deserve any of this. I am a good person. I go to Church, I love me family, I always lend a hand, I am a nurturer.

Why are all these feelings being brought up you may ask??? Because I am the third youngest person in the ICU right now. Which was maybe suppose to make me feel better…till I asked a question ???

“Are they sick?” “No, one is a drug addict and one is an alcoholic.” I should have known by the young screams I heard in the middle of the night. Just great when I’m trying to sleep!

WTH??? So today I am bitter, and it’s best I stay in my room and have no contact with any roommates. Yesterday I was so upbeat..whatever.

Okay John.. end on a good note??? let me think….wow, today I am really grasping at straws…. okay I have one :

I am thankful I love my family and friends and they haven’t pissed me off yet 🙂

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…actually not really, I just liked that it rhymed:) Today was tough…point blank. I have been eeking closer and closer to looking down at what’s happening to my body, but I still haven’t mustered up the strength. Today I am very sore all over. I feel like I was in a boxing match with Mike Tyson…lost…and I don’t mean an ear. Just very very very sore. I feel a bit more upbeat today, so we’ll consider that my good comment of the day John. 🙂 I just wish the surgery was punishment enough. Right now it doesn’t seem fair at all.

HELP JEN BEAT CANCER AND PAY HER MEDICAL BILLS!

My Girls and I

Kaylee & I

Sophie & I

CONTACT INFO:

ABOUT THIS BLOG:

I wanted to start this blog so other women, family and friends could see a real perspective into the life of cancer. Not just what I am experiencing, but what others may experience or see loved ones experience themselves. I am a mom of two girls (Kaylee 10, and Sophie 4) We live in Rolla, MO and all of my treatments will be here at Phelps County Regional Medical Center.

I was diagnosed on January 16, 2013, at 5:15 p.m. A moment in time I believe the Earth stopped turning, and my heart stopped beating. Even if it was for a split second. This blog was started January 21, 2013 at 6:22 p.m. when I was ready to speak. (and when my S.I.L. Claire was ready to help with the tech stuff:) I hope you enjoy taking this journey with me. I WILL beat Breast Cancer!

I did not want to turn to Google for my answers, I wanted to find my own. These are them.

HOW TO EXAM:
http://www.checkyourboobies.org/education/breast-self-exam/

MORE INFO:
Helen Litz, RN, in the Breast Center. She is more than happy to help. PCRMC has several funds that can be used for people without insurance/need payment plans that need mammograms or other care. 573-458-3100