DR. NOSTRUM That was too Jewish. I think she's a WASP is the thing. That's why I like it. Is that she's an absolute dyed straight in the wool blue eyed blonde haired WASP.

HUTCHBACK Oh yeah, that's it.

DR. NOSTRUM SO, that's good, "she's a blue eyed blonde haired fourth trophy wife WASP planning the barmitzvah to end all barmitzvah's"... Cut to him back at home... "blue eyed... end all barmitzvah's for Jack's... hideous son" can we say that? "hideous ungrateful son"

HUTCHBACK Fat.

DR. NOSTRUM No, there's too much fat. It doesn't matter.

HUTCHBACK Skinny.

DR. NOSTRUM "Hideous ungrateful son..." um, so he's ranting? Is he ranting? He's ranting about the meeting and who do they think he is etcetera."Etc. She reels off all the costs coming up including her plastic surgery tweaks before meeting the Rabbi and forces him to take the job." OK?

HUTCHBACK Mm-hmm.

DR. NOSTRUM OK. So that's him. Jimmy. See I thought we had a good thing with Jimmy anyway, what we see is the lovely house and the film star picking him up in the car outside the lovely house and driving him off home, which is whatever clinic it was. "Jimmy comes out.." OK. "comes out of the front door of a gorgeous mansion house (huge burp) with a suitcase in hand where he's picked up by a gorgeous film star leading lady in a convertible... in a sixties convertible Ferrari." OK. God, and it capitalises Ferrari for you. Imagine the work that goes into that. You have to think about that: it capitalises Ferrari for you automatically.

HUTCHBACK (yawns) Someone's gotta do it. It's just a database. Um, we should call it...

DR. NOSTRUM Call what? The home?

HUTCHBACK No, no, the film we referred to, is going to be called 'The Mongolian..."

DR. NOSTRUM OK.

HUTCHBACK No, no I'm not... i'm just... it has to be clear that it is someone of Frankenheimer's...

DR. NOSTRUM What can we call it? We can call it...

HUTCHBACK It's 'The Mongolian Aspirant'

DR. NOSTRUM Could we do something cleverer than that? Like Kazakh or something, I don't know. 'The Iraqist' or something, I don't know. No.

HUTCHBACK No it's gotta be something really obvious.

DR. NOSTRUM The Mongolian... OK. 'The Mongolian Aspirant'. What did America ever do in Mongolia?

HUTCHBACK It had nothing to do with Manchuria.

DR. NOSTRUM No. I know that, it's just I like the idea of the... Alright 'Aspirant' I like 'Aspirant'. Doesn't matter, that's fine.

HUTCHBACK They were never... None of the film was in Manchuria.

DR. NOSTRUM It was a codename for the thing...

HUTCHBACK Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah.

HUTCHBACK It was set in Vietnam. Well, bits of it were in Vietnam.

DR. NOSTRUM OK. Um. It's gonna correct my bloody grammar now. Look at that it's even asking me if I want it to stop automatically correcting... I don't care. They don't give you that option do they? "I don't care".

HUTCHBACK "Fuck off" "Go fuck yourself"

DR. NOSTRUM OK. So, "Jimmy comes out of the front door of a gorgeous mansion house, suitcase in hand and is picked up" er "by a beautiful film star..."

HUTCHBACK "kisses him on the cheek... the girl picks up his bag, puts it in the boot. He looks like he's a man of... he's got gorgeous women at his feet" and then and then and then and then "they drive off... beautiful sunny day..."

DR. NOSTRUM "and she starts telling him about her latest film"

HUTCHBACK No no, she just...

DR. NOSTRUM No?

HUTCHBACK No. And then she says "Are you sure you've got all your meds Jimmy?" And then he starts kind of...

DR. NOSTRUM "...have you got your prescription?"

Hutchback makes noises of a crazed person that needs meds.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D) "...and puts it in the trunk. They drive off. She tuns to him and asks..."

DR. NOSTRUM What? OK. She could say "Did they give you your prescription?"

HUTCHBACK "Have you got your prescription, we need to go and pick up your meds now."

DR. NOSTRUM "Did they give you your script?" Is what they call it.

HUTCHBACK OK. "Did they give you your script?"

DR. NOSTRUM "Did they..." Which is quite interesting that they say that "Did they give you your script?" Is quite good.

HUTCHBACK Oh. "Have you got the script?"

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah. No, well, they say do you have your script.

HUTCHBACK No, I know, but she could say "have you got your script"

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah.

HUTCHBACK Because of it's double meaning.

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah I know, that's what I'm saying.

HUTCHBACK "Have you got the script?"

DR. NOSTRUM Hang on. "... script? He fishes in his case..."

HUTCHBACK He fishes in his case.

DR. NOSTRUM Well, whatever. His pockets, he fishes in his pockets.

HUTCHBACK And she says "What..." no, she says "So what is it this time?" And he starts reading, um, reading out the list of drugs that he's... So you don't actually see him, you don't see what he's holding, he just starts reading out a list of drugs that he needs. Well, I need to have my forty milligrams of... diazepam, um..."

DR. NOSTRUM OK. So "Have you got the script? What is it?" And then...

HUTCHBACK "What is it this time?"

DR. NOSTRUM OK. So you say we're not looking at him we just hear...

HUTCHBACK She's just driving, she's talking to him.

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah.

HUTCHBACK And then he starts reading out the, er... That's nice.

DR. NOSTRUM I don't think we should judge it. Anyway, it just is, something. Er, "Jimmy starts reading out a list of prescription, er, a list of drugs, of prescription drugs that goes on for about thirty seconds." OK?

HUTCHBACK Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM And she says "OK. Honey, we'll stop on the way." And then we can have some conversation, so what have you been up to. I don't know if we can do this rigth away but I like the idea, she says, "Oh, I've got to go back into rehearsals with my Tourette..." um "I've gotta go back into the Shakespeare rehearsals." So we don't mention what it is. Cos I like the idea of her cause being...

HUTCHBACK Oh, her cause.

DR. NOSTRUM Being, you know...

HUTCHBACK Oh, no that comes in later.

DR. NOSTRUM No, but what I'm saying, tom mention what she's been up to "I've gotta go back into rehearsals for the Shakespeare."

HUTCHBACK "For my group"

DR. NOSTRUM I don't know. I don't think you have to say what it is at all.

HUTCHBACK "Shakespeare." "Shakespeare group." Then you find out it's the... (finding their own idea absurd) Tourettes.

DR. NOSTRUM Well, yeah. I mean we don't know what she is, I'm just saying she says... If he says "What have you been up to?" She would say, "Oh, I've got to go back to rehearsals..."

HUTCHBACK "with the Shakespeare group."

DR. NOSTRUM "for the Shakespeare group." Or something like that. OK... So. It's like "we're on in..." er "we're on..." "They're on in a few nights" Oh, "They're on on Thursday" it doesn't matter. "They're on on Thursday and I've got to get them, I've got to get the drive of the..." What have you got to get? If you were doing a play? Just a serious play, what would be going on? I remember Griff Rhys Jones was talking about this, he was directing this play and it was terrible and he was desperately trying to get them to do something and I couldn't remember what he was saying. "I've got to get..." he was trying to get something across, through the play, to the audience, which the people playing it just couldn't do, they were rubbish and it was driving him nuts. Um. Did you see that thing, on Anger, that he did? It's quite funny cos, ooh, he's angry and he did this thing about anger and all the problems he's had with anger and at some point he's sitting in front of a guy there saying "So what's your regular day?" And he says "I get up and..." do this that and another and he says "do you drink any coffee?" And he says "oh, maybe 8 cups in the morning." A minimum... What is the thing with the... I've got to get the, the... it's something intangible about a play and I can't remember what it is. "They're on on Thursday and I've got to get... gotta get through..."

Lots of typing and deleting ensues.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D) OK. So is it worth sayong what we don't know? I suppose so, cos we're just writing a premise, so we're fine, so, you know. So, Jimmy... so then we'll just say who they are. "Jimmy is the nervous, reclusive..." No, he's not reclusive cos he goes to the parties. What do you call those people who are...

DR. NOSTRUM I think this girl should be incredibly famous, that's why his life is such a misery, cos all anyone does, it's what we were saying, all anyone does is try to use him to get to her. That's all that happens in his life.

HUTCHBACK No, but I think someone like that would be way too famous to be got at.

DR. NOSTRUM I think people always try, do you not think? I don't know.

HUTCHBACK No, I would say that only when someone is gettable do people try and get them. She's clearly... ut's someone who's a big, but rising star, rather than a very established figure, somehow. Cos we can make anybody like that up.

DR. NOSTRUM ... so that's fine. OK. "All anybody has ever talked to him about since she became famous..." Is he the big brother or the little brother? Doesn't matter, who cares, "since she became famous... is her... and everybody... who meets... asks him about her at some point or other... so he has been unable... to create his own life... and has suffered every moment of her fame." OK. I wonder what it is that brings him out of himself when he's with Zack? That's the thing. Not sure what that would be, why would that be, you know?

HUTCHBACK Well, he just, for some weird reason, likes him.

DR. NOSTRUM Cos I think it has to be Zack, whatever Zack is...

HUTCHBACK Oh, they know each other! They're friends.

DR. NOSTRUM They went to the same school?

HUTCHBACK They're old friends.

DR. NOSTRUM OK.

HUTCHBACK Were they not friends to begin with?

DR. NOSTRUM I don't remember.

HUTCHBACK Yeah, yeah, they're old friends.

DR. NOSTRUM I really don't remember. OK. Cos I think the thing is, you know, we think, with Zack wanting to be in TV, when he does see Jimmy again, he is thinking to get to the sister.

HUTCHBACK Yeah, but...

DR. NOSTRUM But he plays an incredibly long and complicated game...

HUTCHBACK Yeah, yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM ... you know, which he has no idea about doing that and Jimmy warms to him.

HUTCHBACK Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM "... at some point or other, within..." so "within half an hour of meeting him." OK. Oh, OK, so it could be the fact, the very fact that actually Zack knows who he is...

HUTCHBACK Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM ... already, so he doesn't have to say his name and Zack doesn't ask about his sister.

HUTCHBACK And that actually makes his own intentions... makes him all the more dishonorable.

DR. NOSTRUM Who? Zack? Yeah, oh yeah, he's...

HUTCHBACK It make him worse in fact.

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah

HUTCHBACK Cos basically they were really good... Ok, you know, he can... he can be... ok this is quite good...

DR. NOSTRUM OK, so we'll say that. "He and Zack..."

HUTCHBACK He can... Basically they were really good friends up until the time that he was 17, he had a breakdown and then he basically disappeared out of his life. He went and joined a religious cult and disappeared out of his life and he hasn't seen him since. (laughing) Cos basically that's what happened with Hyman Hearn (an old 'friend' of Hutchback').

DR. NOSTRUM OK. "We don't know that he and Zack were really good friends up until they were 17, when Jimmy..."

HUTCHBACK Had a nervous breakdown... a drug induced nervous breakdown and joined a religious cult.

DR. NOSTRUM "... had his first" OK "... had his first drug induced nervous breakdown..." I like the postman stuff as well, that was quite good (referring to Hyman Hearn) he could do that, what he did there, burning people's letters, you know, on the way. Just... that could be a story. "... nervous breakdown and joined..."

HUTCHBACK And actually he'd always been a bit of a, kind of victim in their gang anyway, in their group of friends anyway.

DR. NOSTRUM OK.

HUTCHBACK So actually that's what it is, Zack still holds power over him, still has a hold over him, from when they were kids. Cos he was always trying to live up to him and impress him and... yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM OK. So, er, what should we call the girl.

HUTCHBACK I think that's quite good cos it makes their relationship much more interesting than it was before.

DR. NOSTRUM That they've always known each other?

HUTCHBACK Yeah, well, just the fact that there's this unresolved shit from their past as well. But we don't have to be explicit about it at all, it can come through.

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah. OK "... he had always been a bit of a victim in the group of friends... er, group of school friends they belonged to as they grew up." OK.

HUTCHBACK High School friends.

DR. NOSTRUM "... group of high school... they belonged to" Loner, we can call them loner high school friends, shall we?

DR. NOSTRUM OK. "Henna drops off Jimmy with a scene "I'll see you later." So that could be a party, they could all end up at the same party cos she's gonna grab him and take him out even though he's like this..." OK. That's fine. "... drops off Jimmy with an 'I'll see you later'" So now that's enough. I think that's enough of this kind of in-depth stuff, I think we can just say, they meet later at the party and we'll have to go into this whole thing and it's gonna take another two and a half hours to do and, er, it's a bit of a pain, but then, um... do you want to do any more?

HUTCHBACK (non-commital) Yea--er

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah, we can do another hour. Then I'll see you later... So that's our three characters.

HUTCHBACK See you next time, as they say. It's a bit of a see you next time.

DR. NOSTRUM Any results yet?

HUTCHBACK No. Nil-nil. Hull are nil-nil. In fact looking out for Hull results is a bit surreal, but there you go.

DR. NOSTRUM I think I'll make a note in there saying, once we get to it, saying all of Jimmy and Zack's conversations are punctuated by random rants about...

HUTCHBACK No, random digressions into the trivial... into the meaningless triviality of everyday life.

DR. NOSTRUM "Jimmy and Zack's conversations... conversations and writing sessions." No, not writing sessions, what are they called... idea...

HUTCHBACK Brainstorming

DR. NOSTRUM "... and brainstorming sessions..."

HUTCHBACK This was... this was a great... did you hear this story about the pollster in the election last week?

DR. NOSTRUM What?

HUTCHBACK "Last week Julia Hensley made one the thousands of phone calls on behalf of Barack Obama. A woman answered. As Hensley ran through her short script the husband impatiently broke in "Ma-am, we're voting for the Nigger." And hung up.

DR. NOSTRUM What? I don't understand, who's Julia...

HUTCHBACK She's a pollster. They call up people.

DR. NOSTRUM Is it a TV thing?

HUTCHBACK No, this is real.

DR. NOSTRUM No, but that's what I'm saying, how did anyone hear that, did she report it.

HUTCHBACK She reported it. "Ma-am, we're voting for the Nigger."

DR. NOSTRUM I like the, um, have you ever seen the Diddy Blogs?

HUTCHBACK No.

DR. NOSTRUM I wouldn't normally think to do it but he's very funny. P. Diddy has a series of blogs supporting Obama. We'll look at one. If you look up "Diddy Blog about 'That One'" I think it's number 26, they're only like 2 minutes or something like that.

HUTCHBACK P. Diddy?

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah, yeah, he's very funny, he really is very funny. I mean I don't know if their paying him or something but he's trying to get all young black people... all young people...

KATIE COURIC When it comes to establishing your world view, I was curious, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read before you were tapped for this, to stay informed and to understand the world.

SARAH PALIN I read most of them again with a great appreciation for the press, for the, er...

KATIE COURIC What ones specifically, I'm curious, did you read.

SARAH PALIN Oh, um, any of them that have been in front of me over all these years...

KATIE COURIC One of them?

SARAH PALIN ... I have a vast variety of sources where we get our news. Alaska isn't a foreign country where it's kind of suggested it seems like, wow, how can you keep in touch with the rest of what Washington D.C. may be thinking and doing when you live up there in Alaska. Believe me Alaska is like a microcosm of America...

P. DIDDY (pants fearfully and heavily) Boys and Girls, Boys and Girls, did you hear her? Did you... I'm scared, she scares me. She scares me... She's worse than the Boogeyman. Sarah Palin, you scare me. You could become the President of the United States... you... did you hear her answer to the question? Did you hear her... John McCain's 72! Sarah Palin could be the President! Boys and Girls don't, please I beg you... I'm not coming out the covers, I'm staying underneath the covers, we're safe underneath the covers. Sarah Palin can't... If I stay underneath the covers she won't become President. You gotta vote... One of them... You gotta be registered! (more like this, with fearful panting)

DR. NOSTRUM It's not what you expect from him... it's quite funny.

P. DIDDY Diddy blog number 27. John McCain scares me even more than Sarah Palin. Look at this Boys and Girls.

DR. NOSTRUM Have you seen this?

HUTCHBACK Yeah, yeah, I've seen it.

A John McCain campaign video plays.

JOHN MCCAIN It was an energy bill before the senate loaded down with goodies, billions for the oil companies and it was sponsored by Bush and Cheney. You Know who voted for it? (a picture of Obama is cued behind McCain) Might never know. That one. You know who voted against it? Me.

P. DIDDY "That one?" Yo, no, hold on I gotta hear this again, did he just say "That one?"

Video is played again and stays on a loop under Diddy

P. DIDDY (CONT'D) No. No, this is 2008, not 1962! OK. OK. I mean come on man, come on, He said "That one." He referred to a greying man as "That one." A man that has worked hard, that has done the impossible, that has fought for every amount of respect that he deserves. You are running for the President of the Unites States and you are referring to another man as "That one. Now, now these blogs are dangerous, I could say something real crazy about the "That one" right now, but I'm not. I'm go'an let the people decide. I wanta know how the people feel about you saying... you callin... referring to Obama as "That one." We will see you November fourth at the polls. Tha's not, tha's not right man "That one." I'm going to the polls right now.

(note - after the Obama victory there were no more political Diddy blogs, not even a celebratory one in the days that followed.)

HUTCHBACK There's a really good, um, where is it? Did you see the clip of McCain totally fucking up a speech

DR. NOSTRUM About what.

JOHN MCCAIN I think you may have noticed that...

HUTCHBACK Have you seen this one? This is really good.

JOHN MCCAIN I think you may have noticed that senator Obama supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately (crowd boos and hisses) and you know, I couldn't agree with him more.

JOHN MCCAIN (CONT'D) I couldn't disagree with you. I couldn't agree with you more than the fact that Western Pennsylvania is the most patriotic, most f... god loving, most patriotic part of America.

HUTCHBACK I've got to watch that again. That's very again.

DR. NOSTRUM I couldn't agree with him more.

HUTCHBACK Oh Fuck. Oh, this is good as well, this is very good.

JOHN MCCAIN ... Housing prices are flat or declining and Americans have lost their homes or are in danger of losing them. A credit cunt... crunch... is making business loans harder to get...

HUTCHBACK A credit cunt

DR. NOSTRUM Is that Howard Stern

HUTCHBACK Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM Ah

HUTCHBACK A credit cunt! But he's said it so many times, there's so many to choose from. Brilliant.

DR. NOSTRUM Yep

HUTCHBACK He's going to lose this cos of YouTube

Cue montage of McCain Gaffes.

DR. NOSTRUM Is the water boiling or is it not?

HUTCHBACK Hang on a minute, I'll get rid of it.

DR. NOSTRUM Have you seen the Bush one about, um, my very favorite was, er, fish and humans...

HUTCHBACK Fish and humans can live together in peace

DR. NOSTRUM Fish and humans can coexist peacefully. Something like that. I've never seen the full context but I can't understand what he could have been talking about. I can't imagine what.

HUTCHBACK Maybe he was talking about the cod war?

DR. NOSTRUM What other things have we talked about that you know are an easily summarisable comedy digression? So if you say something like "dog cream pies" what would be another thing, um, like that? Oh, er, well they don't do it in America it doesn't matter, "The Bol-locks" we'll have to find another way, there would have to be some implement that was, oh, mole grips and... no, they wouldn't have that either. Oh, it doesn't matter. They do have monkey wrenches.

HUTCHBACK Mm. The mole grip monkey wrench wars.

DR. NOSTRUM They don't have mongers do they? No, there's no mongers in America except war...

HUTCHBACK Yeah, warmongers.

DR. NOSTRUM Well, but there's no fishmonger or...

HUTCHBACK Maybe?

DR. NOSTRUM No, I don't think they do.

HUTCHBACK Don't they?

DR. NOSTRUM No, I don't think they do anything like that. I'm not sure. I'll write it anyway. "Iron..."

HUTCHBACK We don't need this stuff, it's just... they're just jokes.

DR. NOSTRUM No, I know, but I'm just putting in a thing, "All of Jimmy's con... all of Jimmy and Zack's conversations and brainstorming sessions are punctuated by ridiculous comedy...

HUTCHBACK Not punctuated...

DR. NOSTRUM "Mostly"

HUTCHBACK ... that's all it is.

DR. NOSTRUM "Almost entirely"

HUTCHBACK Almost entirely.

DR. NOSTRUM "digressions"

HUTCHBACK Irrelevant digressions. Into the obscure minutiae of his life.

DR. NOSTRUM That's easy to write. All you have to do is turn on a tape recorder and go out.

Hutchback goes to the kitchen.

HUTCHBACK Huh?

DR. NOSTRUM I'm saying, that's easy to write.

HUTCHBACK That's what?

DR. NOSTRUM Easy to write. Cos all you have to do is just turn on your tape recorder and walk out your front door.

HUTCHBACK Do you want more tea?

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah, sure one more tea before going back up to the castle.

Noises like the passing by of a steam train ensue for several minutes.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D) OK. So...

HUTCHBACK I think we should also try, somehow, to tie into this horrible modern, modern day awfulness of the fact that everything has now become 'content'. Content. Content content content. Like...

DR. NOSTRUM I don't know.

HUTCHBACK Nothing... no-one makes art... no one makes like... it's not called TV or Film anymore in the industry, it's called content.

DR. NOSTRUM Is it? Do you know this? I don't really know.

HUTCHBACK Yeah, yeah, because it's all about how you... how you, kind of, re-sell the same stuff multiple times in different formats, you know, er, on, er, you know all this mobile phones and, er, iPod's you know and it's all about, you know, just terrible commercialization of...

DR. NOSTRUM Ah, so we're doing what John Frankenheimer can't sell.

HUTCHBACK Yes. No no no. What I mean is that, um, we should perhaps bring in some kind of references to, um, new, um, other platforms...

DR. NOSTRUM New media.

HUTCHBACK Like...

DR. NOSTRUM "References the absence of content in New Media" No. "The absence..."

HUTCHBACK No, the fact that what used to be something, possibly, high minded, is just about getting content, selling content to people. So that's like his...

DR. NOSTRUM So it's the abs... Oh, no, you know what it... I know what they call it, the call it anti intellectualization.

HUTCHBACK So...

DR. NOSTRUM So that's what it is, it's the anti intellectualization of media.

HUTCHBACK Yeah. So that's what's good about Green's position now, is that all he is is about selling content. So his job is actually, is not really even about making anything, it's about selling it to, you know, mobile phone companies and, you know, straight to video garbage, straight to DVD, blu-ray garbage.

DR. NOSTRUM So part of the drive of this show references the anti-intellectualism of today's media and the sole preoccupation with providing content.

DR. NOSTRUM OK. Blimey, what boring shit that is. See, the other side of this show is, which I should also put, is, whilst doing this we are also going to be auditioning in reality on YouTube for people to take part in the show ideas that we come up with. (To a puzzled Hutchback in the kitchen) Maggots?

HUTCHBACK No. My earplugs have melted.

DR. NOSTRUM Oh. In your kettle?

HUTCHBACK How did that happen? I had those rubbery earplugs.

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah yeah yeah.

HUTCHBACK Oh well.

DR. NOSTRUM Nah, this was a thing I thought of suddenly talking to Rat, when I met him, is that all these things we come up with for Jimmy and Zack's shows, we should actually audition for them on YouTube, for people that, you know, to see who comes back to you and we could do this as part of the series at the same time as writing the series.

HUTCHBACK Life imitating at imitating art imitating life imitating art imitating life imitating art and so on.

DR. NOSTRUM "All of the ludicrous...

HUTCHBACK And so on forever

DR. NOSTRUM "... ideas pitched by Jimmy and Zack and developed by Green should be auditioned for on today's YouTube in reality."

HUTCHBACK (A sudden thought) Oh, that would be a good one; I did an illegal U-turn and this guy leaned out his car and went "Jackass!" Really loudly. I really enjoyed that. It was such a perfect American moment.

DR. NOSTRUM So there we go "Green..." so... so... that's fine. And that's enough on Zack there, er, "Green is a once famous, pompous and self obsessed film producer... (he mumbles on fast scanning but we can't make out the words)" SO I guess he's the next person we go to? He's pitching. He's pitching and someone will have to come up with some useful stuff to say. What you said was great but, well, I've recorded it so that's alright. "(More fast scanned mumbling on Green)...film." See I actually met... there's a guy, well, it's not the same level at all, but it's quite funny. He's 80, this guy, and he's been trying to make a musical and he wrote Peeps Dragon...

HUTCHBACK (whimsically impressed) Oh, OK.

DR. NOSTRUM Remember Peeps Dragon?

HUTCHBACK What was it? Oh, was it a, er, film?

DR. NOSTRUM A kids film. A Disney film. I mean all those years ago with Jim Dale and whoever and er, well, it was Harvey, is what it was.

HUTCHBACK Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM But, um, he's a friend of Mrs. Nostrum's...

HUTCHBACK Your tea's getting cold.

DR. NOSTRUM Er, Mum, you know, whatever, I met him. And he's been trying to pitch this idea about a musical...

HUTCHBACK For sixty years.

DR. NOSTRUM ... well, er, a musical...

HUTCHBACK Based on Pete's Dragon.

DR. NOSTRUM ... called Bite Me, which is, you know, about Dracula.

HUTCHBACK (laughing) Drac...

DR. NOSTRUM ...called Bite Me, er, and er, he wanted to play... he was here this month and he wanted to play me the songs that they, you know, he's got for this. I don't know and er, it's just funny. And he's on the Academy, he's on the Academy Panel, he picks movies that are, er...

HUTCHBACK Yeah, but there's loads of them...

DR. NOSTRUM No, no there aren't loads, there are about 1200 people I think...

HUTCHBACK Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM Whatever, so, considering how many people are it's quite funny...

HUTCHBACK I hate the wiring in this fucking cave.

DR. NOSTRUM Hmm?

HUTCHBACK My bulbs go all the time.

DR. NOSTRUM Why do you think it's the wiring?

HUTCHBACK It's definitely the wiring.

DR. NOSTRUM Why? It could be the fitting.

HUTCHBACK No, because we've had different... (trails off) we had new fittings put in.

DR. NOSTRUM What's that noise? (Makes a cross between a creaking noise and a duck call)

HUTCHBACK No, because we had new fittings put in and it's still the same problem. And it happens with all the lights. They all blow after fucking no time.

DR. NOSTRUM (humming) Doo doo, doo doo doo doo. We should have this on an hourly beep, then we'd get three hour bits. Er, OK, so, he's... What is that?

HUTCHBACK It doesn't matter.

DR. NOSTRUM OK.

HUTCHBACK Just ignore it, it'll go away.

DR. NOSTRUM Like I said, that's more stuff, it's good, just, in his apartment you've got like "What...

DR. NOSTRUM Er, (fast again) "He's been irrelevant for at least twenty years while he's pitching his film bout how the commercial reaction to the end of the counter-culture signalled the death of the American soul. In the pitch that opens his introduction to the show the response..." Um. "he gets is...What? Like Forrest Gump?" Something like that, or some Americanism about that.

HUTCHBACK No, no the response should be: "It's interesting Jack." What's his name?

DR. NOSTRUM "We really want to work with you." You know, whatever, "we really want to work with you and we think we've got the perfect thing." I mean I like... that's what I was saying about the reality of it, this is what I think, at least for me and you to enjoy doing this, is that what is going on is nothing at all like what really goes on, it's more like a Seinfeld version of what goes on...

HUTCHBACK Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM And I have a feeling that, this was the thing about whatshername that, her whole knowledge is great, but she was saying "You write it like..." you know, with all these things that they know TV people get and it's how the industry really works, but I'm not interested in that at all cause...

HUTCHBACK No.

DR. NOSTRUM ... I think, you know, almost nobody is apart from the people that make it.

HUTCHBACK Yeah, but there's a lot of show's like that.

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah, there are, that's what I'm saying, to me it's, like, all that stuff is very boring.

DR. NOSTRUM And this is what she was saying, is that that's why they get made and this can do that and I don't wan... think that makes sense at all to try and do that, but anyway... so... that's... that's something else. Erm, "We've already got a Gump project in development...

HUTCHBACK (sarcastically) What does she know?

DR. NOSTRUM ... er, well... "We really want to work with you Jack and we think we've got the perfect project." I mean it's not really enough, but I suppose it's OK? You know? But do you start, do you start...

HUTCHBACK No, no, he has to give the punch line.

DR. NOSTRUM Which is?

HUTCHBACK Yuu know... We've got Lindsey Lohan lined up, erm...

DR. NOSTRUM Dennis Rodman.

HUTCHBACK And, um, you know, and, um, they'll be in a house...

DR. NOSTRUM I know the people, there's all the... OK, ahh, god.

HUTCHBACK They'll be in a house, but the twist this time, is they're trying to make a hit record.

DR. NOSTRUM (typing) "Lindsey...

HUTCHBACK Lohan.

DR. NOSTRUM What do they call Rodman, it's something like A-jax or something like that?

DR. NOSTRUM Cos we've seen her, which I actually like the idea that she would probably do any kind of show that you put in front of her at all.

HUTCHBACK Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM "Sylvester's Mum...

HUTCHBACK You could probably even, we would definitely get her on this show.

DR. NOSTRUM "... are lined up for a..." OK "Lindsey, A-rod and Sylvester's mum are lined up for a..."

HUTCHBACK "And we've got this beautiful apartment in Malibu, but the twist is, this time they're making a hit record... for children" No.

DR. NOSTRUM It's not... What would be just, completely pointless? That they would do? I don't know. Maybe. I'm just not sure that that's how that works, I think he sort of heads up a department where ideas are supposed to, you know "We need someone to run a department to bring in Reality projects" might be enough? You know, he could say "We've got a thing", blah blah blah blah "and we need someone to run a department to bring in more project like that."

HUTCHBACK Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM So, that would be more...

HUTCHBACK And erm...

DR. NOSTRUM So not only is he... He's not even getting to direct, he's just an off.. A pencil-pusher. In some way.

HUTCHBACK "What we need you to do is, there are a lot of these ideas..." Yeah. So it's basically like...

DR. NOSTRUM OK "... lined up for a great..." Er, well let's do this thing you thought: Big Brother, but we're gonna... there are gonna be live wild animals...

HUTCHBACK No, n-n-n-n-no no no,

DR. NOSTRUM Oh, cause that's one of their shows.

HUTCHBACK It can't be. It's got to be an absolutely...

DR. NOSTRUM Dull.

HUTCHBACK Dull as, you know... OK. So, they're on an island.

DR. NOSTRUM OK, well, how about this: there's a project where they all get taught plumbing and they have to live the, you know...

HUTCHBACK Yeah. They're plumbers.

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah

HUTCHBACK Yeah! "Celebrity Plumber".

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah. OK. So that's fine... "for a great series where they have to be plumbers." OK. Fine.

HUTCHBACK Yes and each week they get voted off by a panel of professional plumbers. Their work gets assessed by professional plumbers.

DR. NOSTRUM OK. So, "Celebrity Plumber". That's quite good, I quite like that. The one I came up with I actually think was not bad and probably will get made. The one on that thing - "Celebrity Speed Dating". I can imagine someone will make that.

HUTCHBACK Hmm.

DR. NOSTRUM I mean it is a terrible idea that you'd have to watch it, but I imagine someone will make it.

HUTCHBACK Well, my, er my idea was quite good.

DR. NOSTRUM Mm.

HUTCHBACK I actually had a real idea for a real reality TV show. Remember that one I had with our freelance visionary? Maybe we can use that?

DR. NOSTRUM Which one was that?

HUTCHBACK It's the dating one where each date is like... basically, the guy has to try and keep the date going, or the girl, whichever one is the, er...

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah?

HUTCHBACK ... has to try and keep the date going as long as possible and the whole thing's set up to be a complete disaster, like the waiters are all actors...

DR. NOSTRUM Ah. Yeah.

HUTCHBACK ... and they all do these crazy...

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah. But that's not a bad idea.

HUTCHBACK ... things and... yeah, it's not actually a bad idea.

DR. NOSTRUM Well what's the point of a reasonable idea? We don't want any reasonable ideas.

HUTCHBACK No no no, I'm saying that that was... So the timer starts and the date starts and they have to keep it going as long as possible.

DR. NOSTRUM I understand, yeah. Yeah.

HUTCHBACK You know, the waiter comes, spills the...

DR. NOSTRUM Yeah, I get it.

HUTCHBACK Spills the drink down her front.

DR. NOSTRUM No. I get it. I get it. Anyway.

HUTCHBACK (sarcastically) I'm not sure you're really getting it.

DR. NOSTRUM I like it. I'm feeling it. Um, actually, that should be there, she says "I'm feeling it Jack.' That would be better "I'm feeling it Jack, but..."

HUTCHBACK Entourage is what you're thinking of.

DR. NOSTRUM It is. Not that I've ever seen it. OK. Er, "We really want to work with you Jack, we've got the perfect project. Lindsey, A-rod and Sylvester's Mum are lined up...

DR. NOSTRUM OK. "... singer, are lined up for a great series where Celebrities have to be plumbers and every week the public..." Oh, this is so boring, "...the public votes one of them off." "Celebrities are trained to be plumbers" Is that better?

HUTCHBACK Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM OK.

HUTCHBACK No. Celebritis have to set up... Two celebrity... two... you have rival... two rival celebrity camps each running their own plumbing business.