The First-Timer's Guide: Your Baby Week 4

I am so thankful that I wrote this blog regularly through the newborn phase because I don't remember shit! Well, I remember being tired AF, annoyed that everytime I sat down to eat the baby would wake up, and... um... yeah. That's all. OH! No... wanting to give up on nursing so bad--I told myself that tomorrow I could stop. It worked to get me through the day. Every day. Below are the actual thoughts and experiences from being a first-time parent at 4-weeks old. And, yes, of course, the Aussie and his ridiculous observations of a first-time dad of a 4-week old baby.

Observations of a first-time mom of a 4-week old baby: My observation today, looking back, in this color! 1. Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done. Even harder than passing calculous and getting over my first broken heart combined. --Still is! Nothing can prepare you for the insane anxiety, fear and hard work involved with being a parent. Enjoy the easy moments, because the hard ones suck! 2. Baby likes bath! Granted he screams on the way into the bath and on the way out, but once he's in he's a happy bathing baby boy! --I was so afraid of doing the baths. I made the Aussie do it. I kept imagining my little slug of a baby slipping out of my hands. To this day, the Aussie still does 90% of bathtime.3. Running water will stop my son from crying on cue! I know this because I nearly took video for YouTube. Water on, all quiet. Water off, not quiet. OooH! I forgot about this! It totally worked! We downloaded a sound machine app with running water to help him chill out in the car too! 4. An overtired baby is quite possibly the closest to the end of the world I've ever gotten. --Still is! A sleepy kid is the same thing as feeding a gremlin after Midnight, AVOID AT ALL COSTS! Though I have to admit, I am still the same too. No sleep and I'm all kinds of bitchy. Maybe this overtired business never wears off...5. I have no idea what the date, day or time is because it doesn't matter anymore. My son keeps the time for both of us... Feeding time, diaper time, nap time, bath time... Mommy swallow dinner whole time... Amazing. All my son does is eat, sleep and pee, yet it is a full-time job keeping up with it all.--HAHAHAHAHA! Ohmigosh I was wrapped! Proud to say this is not the same today. Mommy makes the rules and routine! 6. I was wrong, I can survive on little to no sleep, and so can daddy. I don't mean he can also survive on little sleep, I mean I haven't killed him yet for getting more sleep than me. --HAHAHAHA!!! I did end up threatening his life when I got tired of waking up both weekend days. That is shit. Both parents deserve to sleep in! 7. When my son screams it feels like getting punched in the stomach. It's so hard to hear it, and I really do feel a pain in my belly. Sucks! No cry-it-out happening over here. To this day when my son cries from pain or illness, I feel a physical pain in my heart. It;s got to be some sort of mom-thing. Like an invisible umbilical cord is still attached. 8. I've heard a breastfed baby's dirty diapers smell way better than a formula fed baby's or that the smell of a breastfed baby's diaper is "sweet." Compared to what? Baby elephant shit on top of the city dump? My son's diapers are rank. How to formula parents not throw up at every diaper change? --So, shit is shit. It stinks. I don't care what you feed your baby.

9. I've learned how to lay in bed and breastfeed! It's the greatest thing I learned how to do during week 4. I read about the position, and by the second try, we had it. High five baby Ollie! Now every morning daddy brings Ollie to me, I feed, daddy comes back to get Ollie, and I go back to sleep. Yes! Yes! Yes!--We never co-slept, but having daddy delivery service at 4am changed my day, I was finally getting close to 4-5 solid hours of sleep!

10 I sometimes get super hot and sweat when breastfeeding. It's usually during one of our 40 minute plus sittings. It's kind of gross, definitely uncomfortable and when it's over I drink a gallon of water. Hmm, I suppose it's similar to Zumba class where everyone knows what they are doing except me.--For the record, I didn't lose massive amounts of weight breastfeeding. In fact, I didn't lose much at all. Still, nursing my son was one of the most rewarding achievements of my life.

11. I have nearly mastered dressing my son. If your baby is anything like mine, you have 1.4 seconds to get the outfit on before the screams if annoyance starts barreling out at you. Ollie would happily be a naked baby all day. Which, I packed up the "newborn" clothes since he's already too big for them, and it made me cry. Possibly tears from raging hormones, too.--Oh, the raging hormones... ugh. I forgot about those, too.Actually, "blacked them out" would be more accurate. My son still grows full sizes overnight. At 8 months old he skipped two shoe sizes! He went from 6 to 8.5! I learned to buy ONLY what clothes he needed because he grows through everything so quickly. 12. Holding my son close and letting him fall to sleep on my chest is my favorite. There's nothing I love doing more in this world!Awww. So true. I love that little monster! Still, at 5-years-old holding him close makes my heart smile and my whole body fills with the best feeling of love and thankfulness. Being a parent is hard as hell, but so friggin' rewarding and special. And now, for the Aussie's list. WARNING: The man is NOT RIGHT! Not. At. All. He is, however, the best damn dad I've ever met. Observations of a first-time dad of a 4-week old baby:1. The scariest moment so far - Only a few hours after the birth and I was informed by a rather smug nurse that the little fella needed a diaper change. My nerves were building, the sweat was dripping! After all ...this was my first EVER unaided diaper change. I prepared myself mentally, slowly peeled back the innocent yellow tabs and witnessed a horrifying sight...thick black pasty Vegemite evil shit! I was stunned and thought that satan had popped the sump-plug on my son's ass. I backed away in horror, retching and ran back to the safety of my Pepsi-max bottle. Of course, I heard the nurses giggling and laughing like hyenas and worked out that this was some bizarre natural joke from mother-nature but what I witnessed that day will be etched in my mind for years to come! New Dads BE Prepared for the Satan-Shit!2. DO NOT assume that because the baby is OUT, your partner will return to a normal state of mind instantly! We have all witnessed acts of ridiculous anger, crying and general stupidity over the past few months as our wives or girlfriends have grown in size. This is attributed to the so-called "baby-brain" - whatever! Sadly my brothers...it doesn't get any better when the nugget slops out! When your baby vomits on mummy, it's YOUR fault because the TV's too loud! If the titty-milk isn't flowing it's because YOU didn't get the mail from the mailbox! Uh Oh...baby's crying again - DADDY forgot to unload the dishwasher! Awesome!3. First walk in the "baby Bjorn" chest-carrying device down to the local shops. The feeling of pride and happiness soon turns to a grimacing nightmare of discomfort as you are greeted by EVERY bloody person in the street wanting to touch, squeeze, goo-goo, poke or harass the poor little bugger! The Ohhhhh's and Ahhhhh's from random people grind away at the mind after a few minutes, and you quickly begin to scan the streets for camouflage opportunities - not unlike a seasoned military soldier in Iraq, ducking and weaving down the street until you can beat a hasty retreat back to the safety of your house.4. The first time you hear the word Daddy, Father or Parent in a formal sense! Hits you like a ton of bricks when you're trying to figure out your taxes, birth certificate, credit card application or doing an online survey! YES...you really are a dad now! Bejesus!5. lack of sleep! This is a perfect opportunity to take advantage of the early morning advertisements on cable. In the last month, I've been held captive with the ramblings of coked-up hyper men and women trying to sell the most bizarre devices and inventions ever known to man. From "handyman in a can" rubber spray to "Magic Jack" with the digeridoos playing in the background, "The Rack" with the oiled up dude flicking about his geriatric walker or what about the seemingly endless supply of $20 "unique" buffalo coins clad in 0.36c of 24k pure gold? The only thing that actually held my interest is the NEW oxy-clean wash which claims to remove ANY stain including my son's poops!

April is an award-winning writer, blogger and proud debut novelist - The Devlyn Disguise. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more about April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com