If Guys Knew How to Correctly Interpret My Texts

GUY: I’m so sorry—did I not engage you in conversation to your satisfaction? What’s your favorite book?

ME: I really like your friend Stacy.

GUY: Don’t worry, you’re so much prettier than she is!

ME: I guess.

GUY: I’m sorry. You’re right, I’m wrong.

ME: I’m down to eat anything.

GUY: I can tell you want Thai food. Let’s go to that place near your house.

ME: Did I leave an earring at your place?

GUY: I had the best time last night! I was just about to text you, but I was excruciatingly nervous, so I reread the text draft over and over before sending. Sorry for not texting sooner.

GUY: And when I say I was nervous, it’s not because you were cold or mean or anything, it’s just that I like you so much!

ME: Your friend Billy is a character.

GUY: We shall never speak of him again.

ME: I’m all right.

GUY: You sound upset. Do you want me to come over? I can bring cupcakes and we can watch “The Good Place.”

ME: [ . . . ]

GUY: Has anyone ever told you that you look like a prettier Jennifer Lawrence? Also, sorry.

ME: Lol

GUY: I’m sorry. That was an insensitive thing to say.

GUY: Also, tell your mom I say happy birthday! I left her a voice mail, but just in case she didn’t get it.

ME: Haha

GUY: I read a study that wine makes you healthier and prettier.

ME: I’m going to walk my dog.

GUY: I’m really in the mood to watch a romantic comedy tonight. Have you seen “There’s Something About Mary”? I’d love to watch it for the fifth time.

ME: I’m sorry.

GUY: No, I’m sorry.

ME: I’m sorry too, though.

GUY: I’m sorry three.

GUY: I’m sorry that you’re sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about! I’m the one who should be sorry.

GUY: SORRY.

ME: Hey

GUY: I voted for Hillary. In the primaries.

ME: Nice

GUY: And in the general election, too, obviously. And as sorry as I am that she didn’t win, I know you’re sorrier! Because it affects you more, as a woman. I don’t want you to think I’m some sleazy “male feminist.” Because I’m a feminist, but, like, one of the good ones. Sorry!

ME: Sure

GUY: I love you—you know that, right? I’ll always love you!

ME: Sounds good.

GUY: Will you marry me?

ME: Are you actually proposing marriage over text?

GUY: You’re right, I came on way too strong. But will you?

ME: kk

GUY: You’ve made me the happiest man alive!

ME: k

GUY: Again, I just want to apologize for the text proposal along with all other past transgressions and any future ones, of which hopefully there will not be many, because you make me a better man!

ME: [ . . . ]

GUY: Hello? Where’d you go? Hello?

GUY: Sorry!!!

GUY: I’m coming over with pie.

Ginny Hogan’s forthcoming book, “Toxic Femininity in the Workplace,” is due out in the fall of 2019.