Self-Esteem

The quest for balance between our positive and negative traits.

I sometimes struggle with the issue of trying to accept myself for who I am versus trying to change myself for the better. What is the happy medium? This often occurs after being criticized or when I feel like I should be better in some way.

I know that good self-esteem is a prerequisite to being able to be happy and to perhaps even grow. How do I keep my self-esteem strong when I feel criticized or sense within myself something left to be desired?

I would greatly appreciate your thoughts on this matter.

Rebbetzin Feige responds:

Your quest for balance speaks to all of us. Self-rejection is never a good stance to take. Neither, however, is unqualified self-approval. Accepting who we are is positive ground only if it consists of a clear assessment of both our strengths and weaknesses.

For starters, we need to understand that the unique characteristics that make up our person are not arbitrary, but are deliberately conferred upon us by the Author of our being. They are thereby geared to the work that each of us individually needs to do in our lifetime.

The blend of both positive and negative trait can be, if we are aware and sensitive to them, the substance of both the challenge and achievements of our life. It is thus not at all paradoxical that accepting oneself and trying to change for the better are not contradictory or mutually exclusive paths.

Recognizing a fault can be seen as a summons within oneself to discipline and self-perfection. Getting in touch with one's higher Godly soul provides a reservoir of strength to help one combat their lesser self.

Consider the following scenario:

Debby, a lovely woman in her 40s, sat in my office teary-eyed, as she first recounted
the heart wrenching story of abandonment by her ex-husband, followed by the trials and tribulations of trying to adjust to life with her current blended family.

After much painful soul searching, Debby concluded that her strong personality, outspokenness and firm opinions were not always an asset to achieving marital bliss. She realized that if she were to succeed this time around, she would have to work at tempering her tough demeanor with gentleness and tolerance.

Most significantly, she was convinced that while the Almighty had indeed blessed her with formidable intelligence and competence, He had orchestrated the events of her life to draw her attention to the internal work that she still had to do. She felt very strongly that she was being urged and encouraged from Above to access her as-yet-undeveloped traits of humility and patience.

The warts and blemishes that need to be dealt with do not negate the great power of the soul to reach for the stars.

First and foremost, we need to assume ownership of the vast potential that is legitimately ours. The warts, blemishes and demons that need to be dealt with do not diminish or negate the great power of the soul to reach for the stars.

It is important that we distinguish between recognition and resignation. Resignation writes us off and denies the exalted human capacity for growth.

Recognition serves as a point of departure, a reality check, an accurate picture of where we are at this given moment and where we would like to be down the road.

Every human being comes into this world imperfect and deficient, and it is our life's task to repair the void -- the lack in our person -- and thereby move on to "shelaimut," a state of wholeness.

This existential state of imperfection, of a deep sense that something within us is not whole, dare not be interpreted such that it leads to self-deprecation and feelings of inadequacy. Our self-esteem should acknowledge the fact that we are incomplete and we should stand up with all the dignity inherent in our being proclaiming, "I assume responsibility to fill this void and to deal with the shortcomings in my character, by drawing on the majestic endowment given to me by my Creator."

An instructive anecdote is told of a man who came into possession of a large uncultivated field full of weeds and wild growth. He set about the task of weeding, plowing, planting, and persistently tending the field until it bloomed and became a verdant garden of great beauty.

Proud of his hard work, he invited his friends to view his impressive accomplishment. A cleric in the group exclaimed, "What a magnificent garden the Almighty has here."

To which the owner replied, " Oh really? You should have seen it when the Almighty had it to himself."

Similarly, our sages point out that the name "Adam," assigned to the first human being on earth, shares a root with "adama," which means "earth" in Hebrew. According to Rabbi Samson Rafael Hirsh, the inherent message is that just like the earth, which with the care and investment of time and energy, yields products that are both nourishing and pleasing to the eye, so too does "Adam," the human soul and psyche of man, respond to dedicated input and efforts towards growth.

The hallmark of "Adam" is the capacity to grow and become, to look back at yesterday and see that bit-by-bit, we have progressed. We didn't anger as easily today; we were able to withstand an opportunity to gossip; we ate in a more disciplined fashion; we put a smile on our face for no special reason; we didn't get undone in stressful situations; we interacted cordially with people
who are not necessarily our favorites.

These may appear to be small steps, perhaps, and few and far between, but they nevertheless represent positive movement up the mountain of self-growth.

Confronting our flaws is an exercise in humility that should not be confused with unworthiness and self-derogation.

Confronting our flaws is an exercise in humility that should not be confused with unworthiness and self-derogation. Humility is positive, constructive, affirmative and honest. Humility is a product of comparing ourselves exclusively with what we are capable of bringing into our lives.
In stark contrast to the despair of self-deprecation, it fills us with joy at the prospect that every moment affords us the opportunity to access a better self.

Concurrently, every step towards realizing the potential that waits to be tapped builds our self-esteem. The journey that leads to lasting self-respect must, of necessity, be a dynamic one, of doing, moving, growing and becoming.

We need to look at the people that we admire and seek to emulate their behavior. We need to observe how they conduct themselves, i.e. how they interact with their Creator, their families and their friends. Our sages exhort that every person should ask himself or herself daily, "When will my deeds approximate those of my ancestors?" It is noteworthy that they do not suggest that we demand of ourselves to be like our ancestors, but rather to do as they did. To be is static. To do is dynamic.

If my goal is to be a scholar, a righteous person, a sage, an accomplished person in any field, I set myself up for ongoing frustration and disappointment. Because every moment that I fall short of that static goal, I am a failure.

But if I wish to do what a scholar does -- to learn, or do what a righteous person does -- good and meritorious deeds, their every act of emulation identifies me as a success. Success breeds success and builds self-esteem.

In a tribute dinner to my husband many years ago, our then nine-year-old son, Yanke, stood up and shared what he thought was the most powerful lesson his father had taught him. Yanke related that he would often come home downhearted, complaining that someone had criticized him. His father's counsel would always be "If the criticism is true then do something about it and if it's not, then ignore it."

The wisdom of that advice applies to you, my dear reader, as well. If the criticism of others
is on target, then let it be a call to action. Do something about it. Change does not require an overhaul of one's life. Change is evolutionary, not revolutionary. A small step in the right direction will boost your self-esteem like nothing else. It will make you feel alive and healthy. It will confirm the fact that you are choosing your God-given strength to fill your particular "void" and every acquisition, however modest, will bring you closer to your wholeness.

In the final analysis, just as physically our cells are constantly shedding and regenerating, so too, should we be changing and growing in the spiritual realm. Our character and our knowledge base should ever be increasing. The human condition was never meant to be a fixed status quo.

Human beings are referred to in Jewish sources as "holchim," walking and dynamic, in contrast even to the heavenly angels who are referred to as "omdim," beings that "stand" at a fixed
level from the moment of their creation, unable to ascend beyond their station.

Pursuant to this thought, when going on a journey, the proper blessing to the traveler is go "l'shalom," towards peace, and not "b'shalom," in peace. The message conveyed is that as long as we live and breathe we are moving towards peace, wholeness and fulfillment. "In peace," a state of having arrived with no work left to be done, is a departing statement reserved only for the final departure of a deceased person.

If one is on a productive and constructive path, one's self-esteem will not be threatened.

For all of us, change, movement and growth are the marching orders for our lives. And if we are imperfect and limited today, as we all are in one way or another, our self-esteem will come from the fact that we have identified the behavior that we value and are moving, step-by-step, to integrate and incorporate it into our lives.

And for those who criticize the fact that we are not there yet and who think that we are not what
we should be, we need to remember the words of Eleanor Roosevelt who said, "Nobody can make me feel inferior without my permission." Indeed, if one is on a productive and constructive path, one's self-esteem will not be threatened.

Quite the contrary, the response that will resonate within your innermost being will be, "I am moving towards wholeness." And that is the best anyone can do.

About the Author

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

Thank you, Rebbetzin Feige, for taking the time to write such a thoughtful article to help alleviate the pain so many of us feel. I particularly thought the advice that we should seek to do, instead of be, is very powerful. Thank you.

(6)
Anonymous,
January 28, 2004 12:00 AM

Don't dispair if you feel that something in you is missing.

Throughout my life,I have been quite self-critical and perfectionistic. I have dwelled on every mistake I ever made in the moral sphere.It is time for me to paint a more balanced picture of myself, and move on.

(5)
aviva,
February 20, 2003 12:00 AM

Helpful article

Rebbetzin Twerski's article truly hit home with me, and was very inspriational.

Thanks you.

(4)
Anonymous,
February 19, 2003 12:00 AM

Thank You

Many of the ideas you brought out in your essay are ones I am very familiar with. However, I never put it all together to connect it to self-esteem. Thank you so much.

(3)
Anonymous,
February 19, 2003 12:00 AM

Just what I needed!

Rebbetzin Twerski- Thank you so much for this wonderful article. I had been waking up all night with feelings of inadequacy. How nice it was to find your article this morning. I had tears in my eyes while reading it, but peace in my heart. Thank you!

(2)
The Writer,
February 18, 2003 12:00 AM

Thank you so much for your insight!!!

Thank you, Rebbetzin Feige, for answering my question. I have read about self esteem from a non-Jewish source and it was helpful but I felt that something was missing. Thank you for giving me the Jewish perspective of self-esteem and growth and for going to the core of the issue. I appreciate your time and help. I hope it will be helpful to others too.

(1)
Libi S,
February 17, 2003 12:00 AM

Since a child growing up in the midwest, i was confronted with a depression caused by conflict with self-esteem and a tough family situation. I am still undergoing battles with it everyday. Rebbetzin Twerski's message made me realize many things about myself and what others must also experience.

I always loved the story of Jonah and the whale. Why do we read it during the afternoon service of Yom Kippur?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Let's recap the story: God tells Jonah to go to Ninveh and to prophesy that in 40 days, God will destroy the city. Instead, Jonah goes to Jaffa, boards a ship, and sails for Tarshish. A great storm arises. Frightened, Jonah goes to sleep in the ship's hold. The sailors somehow recognize that Jonah is responsible for the storm. They throw him overboard, and the sea becomes calm.

A great fish swallows Jonah. Then three days later, God commands the fish to spit Jonah back out upon dry land. God tells Jonah, "Let's try it again. Go to Ninveh and tell them in 40 days I will destroy the city."

The story is a metaphor for our struggle for clarity. Jonah is the soul. The soul is assigned to sanctify the world, and draw it close to God. But we are seduced by the world's beauty. (Jaffa in Hebrew means "beauty.") The ship is the body, the sea is the world, and the storm is life's pains and troubles. God hopes confrontation with mortality will inspire us to examine our lives. But Jonah's is the more common response - we go to sleep (have a beer, turn on the television). The sailors throw Jonah overboard - this is death. The fish that swallows Jonah is the grave. Jonah is spat back upon the land - reincarnation. And the Almighty tells us to try again. "Go sanctify the world and bring it close to God."

Each of us is born with an opportunity and a challenge. We each have unique gifts to offer the world and unique challenges to perfect ourselves. If we leave the task unfinished the first time, we get a second chance. Jonah teaches us that repentance can reverse a harsh decree. If the residents of Ninveh had the ability to correct their mistakes and do teshuva, how much more so do we have the ability to correct our former mistakes and do teshuva.

(source: "The Bible for the Clueless But Curious," by Rabbi Nachum Braverman)

In 1948, Egypt launched a large-scale offensive against the Negev region of Israel. This was part of the War of Independence, an attack by five Arab armies designed to "drive the Jews into the sea." Though the Jews were under-armed, untrained, and few in number, through ingenuity and perseverance they staved off the attacks and secured the borders. Yet the price was high -- Israel lost 6,373 of its people, a full one percent of the Jewish population of Israel at the time.

And what does teshuvah consist of? [Repentance to the degree] that the One Who knows all that is hidden will testify that he will never again repeat this sin(Maimonides, Laws of Teshuvah 2:2).

"How can this be?" ask the commentaries. "Inasmuch as man always has free choice to do good or evil, to sin or not to sin, how can God testify that a person will never repeat a particular sin? Is this not a repudiation of one's free will?"

The answer to this came to me at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, at which the speaker, a man who had been sober for twenty-one years, said, "The man I was drank. The man I was will drink again. But now I am a different man."

A sin does not occur in a vacuum. A person who is devout does not abruptly decide to eat treifah. A sin occurs when a person is in such a state that a particular act is not anathema to him.

Consequently, repentance is not complete if one merely regrets having done wrong. One must ask, "How did this sin ever come about? In what kind of a state was I that permitted me to commit this sin?"

True repentance thus consists of changing one's character to the point where, as the person is now, one can no longer even consider doing the forbidden act. Of course, the person's character may deteriorate - and if it does, he may sin again.

God does not testify that the person will never repeat the sin, but rather that his degree of repentance and correction of his character defects are such that, as long as he maintains his new status, he will not commit that sin.

Today I shall...

try to understand how I came to do those things that I regret having done, and bring myself to a state where such acts will be alien to me.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...