VATICAN CITY—Emphatically asking the crowd if they were “ready to embrace the redemption offered in the blood of Christ” as pipe organ hymns blasted from the speaker system and multicolored, laser-projected doves fluttered across the buildings’ stone facades, Pope Francis reportedly rode into St. Peter’s Square Sunday…

TARRYTOWN, NY—In an effort to limit the company’s exposure to unwanted claims or potential liability, e.p.t. issued a statement Friday clarifying that their pregnancy tests are intended for entertainment purposes only. “We would like to make it perfectly clear to our customers that e.p.t. home pregnancy tests are just…

Whether they are deemed to contain problematic themes or even incite violence with their content, many iconic books have been historically banned around the world. The Onion highlights some of the most commonly restricted titles:

BOLINGBROOK, IL—Touting them as essentials that women should have handy at all times, Ulta Beauty released a new line of shitty hair ties Friday designed specifically to be given to cheap-ass friends who always ask to borrow them. “Our new Freeloader Elastics line allows women to give the moochers in their life the…

LAS VEGAS—Fearing the regrettable incident from his past would continue to follow him for the rest of his life, white Bengal tiger Montecore confirmed Friday he was still struggling to find work after mauling magician Roy Horn during a show at the Mirage casino in 2003. “Whenever I go out looking for a job, it seems…

CHICAGO—Expressing gratitude for the many sources of emotional comfort and support, local woman Shawna Padden told reporters Friday that she is happy to have such good takeout places she can call when feeling low. “It means so much knowing that I have all these great restaurants that I can turn to for solace when I’m…

ATLANTIC OCEAN—Noting that the marine mammal looks for any excuse to bring up the incident, sources confirmed Friday that a local humpback whale still won’t shut up about the one time he was beached. “Christ, whenever someone even mentions the shore, the coast, sand, anything, he immediately chimes in with the same…

TREVIGLIO, ITALY—High-end bicycle manufacturer Bianchi unveiled its new ultrawide “Disagio” model on Friday, a touring bike specially designed to block, box in, and jostle subway commuters at the height of rush hour. “At 7 feet long with a 52-inch handlebar span, the Disagio makes it easy to obstruct doors and snag…

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds. “I’m going to miss my transfer to the Green Portal—I…

The sculptor of the famous Wall Street “Charging Bull” statue has taken issue with the new “Fearless Girl” statue placed directly across from it, deeming it copyright infringement that distorts the message of his work. What do you think?

LOS ANGELES—Remembering the many great friendships and opportunities it brought into their lives, a group of Hollywood stars including Judi Dench, Jack Nicholson, Jeremy Irons, and Meryl Streep recalled Thursday getting their start on The All New Mickey Mouse Club in 1993.

SAGINAW, MI—Shaking his head at the tragic futility of it all, local man Daniel Roth sighed “there are no good options in Syria” Thursday after devoting 12 minutes of casual research to the topic. “It’s just so heartbreaking, but what’s worse is that there doesn’t seem to be any real solution,” said Roth, who skimmed…

TEMPE, AZ—Saying the apes demonstrate an almost unique capacity for minding their own business, a new study released Thursday by primatologists at Arizona State University found that chimpanzees are the only animal besides humans capable of keeping the lid on a friend’s affair. “After observing a range of different…

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life. “Fuck yeah, this is awesome!” said Caramanica, who had spent nine years sober but now joyfully drank directly from two…