Monday, July 24, 2017

#Microblog Mondays: Reclaiming The Butterflies

That is a beautiful park that is hidden away, next to and behind a volunteer firefighter station, and it's filled with butterflies of all different kinds and meadows and a pretty little stream.

And we haven't gone there since that day, because it reminded us too much of celebrating the hope and happiness that came to such a crashing halt; it reminded us that we never, ever felt quite that same way again.

Until this past weekend. We went yesterday for the first time in FIVE YEARS and made an agreement that once we left the car we wouldn't talk about adoption or our family building disaster AT ALL.

And, amazingly, we didn't.

We talked about our trip to California that is nearly upon us, we talked about the peace and quiet of the place, we pointed out tiny peepers and little snake friends and all kinds of monarchs and swallowtails and frittilaries and other as-of-yet-unidentified-by-me butterflies. I've seen so many monarchs this summer, many more than last year, and it gives me hope as I have come to identify with those beautiful fluttering transformative insects.

We took a picture, not quite in the same spot, but I think we look pretty happy and at peace.

It feels good to reclaim this space for us, to start eliminating (or at least alleviating) the dark spots of trauma and memory and replace them with new happy experiences in our new reality.

Be like a butterfly. Emerge from the goo a beautiful, soaring, fluttery thing.

Thank you! It's funny, the first day we went there was one of the happiest days of our life together, but then how things turned out after that walk made it one of the saddest memories in a way. I'm glad we could go and not end up a morose disaster, so glad we are in a space where we can reclaim. :)

What a beautiful place. I'm glad you are making new happy memories there. Dreams and hopes can be beautiful, even the ones that eluded you. But the present, this moment in reality, is the closest thing humans can experience to heaven (CS Lewis said that, I think). I'm happy that you have the courage to embrace it.

Thank you! Yes, this was a good choice, for sure. (I don't as much appreciate the choice a guy with a dog off leash made, because the dog jumped on me and in petting it briefly I seem to have gotten a mild case of poison ivy on my hand, but that was the only downside). :)

Love that new photo! As a loss mom, butterflies have special significance for me. :) I think they're a great symbol of transformation, too... the ugly (ok, less pretty ;) ) caterpillar emerging from its cocoon as something beautiful... changed, but still the same underneath. Hope you had/are having a great vacation!!

About Me

I am a married 41 year old special education teacher. I was on the path to mommyhood for seven and a half years before we made the difficult yet necessary decision to resolve our journey childfree. Our battle with PCOS and male factor infertility through 7 IUIs, 5 fresh IVF cycles (one with DS), 2 frozen transfers, and a fresh DE IVF cycle, a DE FET, a DS FET, 3 cancelled cycles, an ectopic pregnancy, an early miscarriage, and two and a half years of the adoption process ended in May 2017 with the realization that our quest for parenthood was endangering the life we have and the cost of persistence was too great to continue. It's been a long journey, and now our new reality is beginning. We look forward to the promise of our life together -- thank you for being a part of it!