... home keeping ...

(it was the 80's when women having it all was something we were led to believe) ...

After delivering my second son... within hours I was

discussing with my partner, a big jewelry order for Disneyland that came in that morning..

yep... that is exactly what the 80's motherhood looked like...

to me... even in 1994.

So for years when I had small children...I felt kind of embarrassed...

how after all of my education and career successes...

I hadended up on the mommy track...

and

staying at home no less.

So fast forward eighteen years..

I was so shocked at how much it hurt...

and how very much I grieved

when my daughter left for college...

and

when my second made his departure last year.

Hadn't returning to a career been what I was waiting for...

Through this blog...

that at it's core is really an online journal...

I have realized how very much I too have grown and changed ...

by raising my three,,,

That the returning to a place I left...

just doesn't exist anymore...

there is no door.. no portal back...

because I am no longer that woman...

I kept thinking I would find her again...

The woman who would work around the clock for a deadline...

whose life was made up of goal settings...and achievements...

Whose ego made her a strong and focused competitor...

She isn't here any more.

But neither is the women who struggled with a collection of
anxiety issues including an eating disorder.

She has been softened by loving fiercely...

her three.

Her world view has completely changed...

as have all her priorities...

and

age has brought it's own realities of mortality...

and

how very numbered our days here truly are...

Self acceptance has also come...
with knowing I can only do so much...
and
I can recognize triggers on the horizon...
in the form of too much personal pressure...
and being lured by the sinister perfectionism...

I know now for me...
balance is a fight I probably will always have...
and I will always have to work hard...
to keep my own kind of crazy in check.

I am a woman now...

who will choose

home keeping as a priority...
who treasures order and calm...
and beauty in the small things...
and sees time as a great resource and luxury.

I am a woman who can see the joys in an everyday family schedule...

Who with two children gone...

can put being present and available for the one remaining... at the top of my list.

I am a woman who will choose to totally invest in family birthday parties...

and neighborhood gatherings...

even if it means canceling business plans.

I am also a woman...

who at my core...

as I write this...

is still trying to forgive myself for this decision.

The eighties were, after all ...

my formative years :))

But I have grown past my eighties up bringing...

to become a woman...

who got SOOO much satisfaction...

tidying up (reclaiming actually)... a teenage son's bedroom...

who treasures coffee and candles before sunrise...
and feels best when her house is in order...
both literally and figuratively.

But...
I like so many of us...
am searching for the balance of self nurture... and responsibility...
and trying my best to savor and enjoy this
beautiful life journey.

18 comments:

Lovely post. I have done neither career or children with my life, I feel out of the loop in so many ways, but of a ugly duckling really, I've always been a bit lost and hoped thongs would become apparent for me, I have finally come to terms with it, my life is what it is.

I love this post. I'm so thankful for you. I travelled a different path. I was never really career oriented. (Grew up in late 80s too, but a few years behind you.) I find myself working when I really want to be a creative homemaker. I'm trying to find joy in work and give myself grace at home. And trying to find my way back to creative. I love how you combine all three, home/work/creativity. You are a blessing to know. Truly an inspiration. xo

Bravo, Tamera! You have grown so much in the years I've known you. I have always thought you were fabulous and talented, but I so love how seemingly effortless it is for you to share your heart these days. Also, the people you've raised are so great. Enjoy this beautiful time in your life, dear friend. You deserve to celebrate all of your success. xo

Tamera - LOVE your post, BUT......I have learned through my parent's 70 years of marriage, that THEY, not their children, are the most important things in their lives. Not their children......and my sister and I are normal, loving, caring, yadda, yadda. human beings for it.

I need to come back and read this again when I get a peaceful moment. Because there were a few lines in this post that I could have wrote myself. What an thoughtful, wise post, thanks for sharing such realness.xo

I think we all have our own kind of crazy, don't we? Finding the right balance, encompassing all the things that make us happy and fulfilled, in the best proportions for us, isn't always easy. But that's what life's about, no? Learning ALL the time - about the world, other people, and ourselves. And adapting to change along the way. You share your experiences and feelings with such honesty and openness, it's heartwarming to read, Tamera. And of course the images you choose are always a delight! xxx

Walking with you (literally) so many years, it's quite true your reflections. However, you have always worked, produced, created. The only difference is, the gems are living. They're adorning the arm of a loving uoung man and young women who embrace them. The jewels look back at you through real eyes, smiles sparkling. You've always been a jewelry designer. Your walking gems are gorgeous creations, enjoyed by all. Really, you simply transitioned artistic medium, from creating objects to creating souls. You are the same, yet different. An artist who moves from oils to clay, is still an artist in every way. The drive to create and dedication toward perceived perfect, and the work ethic entailed, is all part of you, and always will. The difference is internalizing the satisfaction, and finally hearing the applause of your own heart, as louder than that of another (often coincidently- our mother).

Yes, you've transitioned. Yes, you've grown. The jewels you create, are simply now grown. Another medium soon will be found, for creatives are immortal. It's a Siren sound.

So much wisdom and truth here. We can never go back and why would we? We grow past all of it and learn a better way. I am loving this time too, focusing on the little things and what really matters to me. I love reading your journey Tamera. xoxo

Tamera my dear-I actually felt a little shiver in reading this post. After spending the most lovely afternoon in your garden, home and studio recently these words resonate with the conversation we shared. You are finding the balance and creating the you that is so genuine in this time of life. How special that you are able to enjoy Hunter in his final year of high school-he seems like such a great guy. I loved hearing that you and Jeff are connecting and enjoying each other in new ways as the children are leaving the nest. You are finding the balance and I appreciate that you are sharing it with your readers. It's a lovely journey. Happy weekend girlfriend! Hello to Jeff!xx, Heather