Sunday, March 9, 2008

Loveless.

Had an absolutely amazing scene with Benny--my entire body wrapped in rope, buttplug up my ass, him whipping me and forcing his cock down my throat.

But then. I stuck around, and we fucked and cuddled, and while we were cuddling Benny felt it necessary to tell me repeatedly and in many different ways that he didn't love me, we had no future together, I shouldn't get any idea that this means anything, and so on.

Well fuck, guess I'll have to go return that ring.

Look, I know we're just friends-with-hitty-benefits. I wouldn't even want to be more than that, not with Benny. But at the same time there's no goddamn reason to rub my nose in it. Especially not in a tone that suggests feeling affection for him would be some kind of horrible exploitative crime upon his person. I don't know if he's worrying that I'll stalk him or have a surprise baby or what. Or if he's just afraid that the good-for-sex-only slut might forget her place.

I'm not in love with Benny; I'm not insane. But it's a bit insulting to be naked in bed and have the naked man you just fucked hold you close and say "I don't want you getting any ideas."

For the first time I'm really not 100% sure I want to see Benny again. I love the sex. Everything he does in bed (or on floor, or in bathtub, or on kitchen counter, or over arm of sofa) is fucking fantastic, hot rough dominant sex like I've never had. I don't mind it being casual. But I can't take him being such a suspicious "you really want to trap me, right?" ass about it.

Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this, but it's totally unfair of him to say things like that to you.

Have you ever explained to him that you like where your relationship with him currently is and that you don't want it to delve into the truly, deeply romantic realm? Maybe that's the solution: make him understand that, while you love the bondage and the hot, kinky sex and the buttplugs and the whipping and slapping, a relationship with him is not something you're interested in.

Unless that is something you're interested in, of course. But from what I've read about you and Jon, that's not really the case (plus, you said it explicitly yourself - "I wouldn't even want to be more than that, not with Jon."). You're right though, in that there is no reason to rub your face in it. If he thinks you're the kind of person who'd stalk him or come over one day and say, "guess what, I'm pregnant and it's yours!" he doesn't know you.

You're also right on it being insulting. It's down-right degrading, in fact, that he rub it in your face that it would be SO terrible if you decided that, maybe, just maybe, it could be something more than just friends-with-hitty-benefits. But you don't think that. Bruno might be right... Maybe it is time to kick his ass to the curb...

This kind of kink comes with a special level of trust, in my world anyway. I find it amazing that he'll trust you completely (and vice versa) to take him to the edge of harm - but then in the end do the right thing...and THEN yabber on to make sure you know he DOESNT believe a word you've been saying? Huh. Kinda takes some of the heat outta the kink. I'd consider not seeing him again too. Not because he's an ass (we kinda knew that), but because this would just sap somthing out of the intensity of the experience for me.

Two people hooking up, knowing a relationship is out of the question is one thing. Hooking up with someone you need to constantly remind that there is no future (because they're not of appropriate 'quality' - his words)...is a little weird. I think his body likes it, but his brain isn't quite ready for you Holly.

Maybe it's just because I've been bored and reading Dan Savage archives all afternoon, but I'm with Bruno- DTMFA.

If it were just this time, I'd be inclined to be more understanding, but I can click on the "Jon" tag and, in between the unbelievably great hot rough sex, see a number of other examples of him treating you like shit for no good reason. He's more than had his opportunities to understand where you're coming from and what this is or isn't and that that kind of behavior is unnecessary and hurtful; he's out of reasonable excuses.

Hell, maybe degrading his kinky partner is one of his kinks. But being degraded ain't one of yours, and it's going to have long-term effects on your head if you put up with enough of it.

nthing DTMFA. Find someone who can give you ho,t amazing, kinky sex without being an asshole. It might take a few tries, but there are plenty of guys out there that can handle a FWB relationship without getting weird and treating you like shit.