By Marea67About: Kevin/Scotty and a guest-appareance by SaulRate: G Disclaimer: Not mine. If they had been, THIS would NEVER have happened. :( Summary: Scotty finds out that there's only so much he can do to get Kevin's forgiveness

*****

Scotty places an envelope on the table, right next to Kevin’s plate, as they are having breakfast. “What is this?” Kevin asks. It’s addressed to Scotty Wandell and he usually doesn’t read his husband’s mail. “I want you to read it.”

Kevin opens the envelop and takes out a few papers. He reads carefully through the documents. “You had yourself tested on several STDs?” he asks shocked. “I just wanted to prove to you that I was careful and that I’m completely clean.”

Kevin quietly folds the papers and puts them back. “Do you think that I haven’t figured out by now, why, a few months ago, you wanted us to get tested earlier than usual? Please, tell me, that you at least used the proper protection?”

“Marcus had condoms… I hadn’t thought it would go that far… I mean, we hardly use them anymore, I hadn’t thought to bring anything….” Scotty answers. Kevin takes a deep breath. He doesn’t really want to hear it and he tries not to feel sick about the thought of Marcus and Scotty together.

Instead, he decides to concentrate on the fact that Scotty hadn’t planned anything. “What am I supposed to do with this?” He asks and he cannot help the fact that his voice sounds defensive. Scotty winces. This conversation turns out to be harder than he had expected.

“We’re hardly intimate with each other at the moment. Every time I try to go further, I can feel you pull away from me, both physically and mentally…. I thought that, perhaps, if you could see, that I’m fine, then perhaps….” The words stick in Scotty’s throat. “I miss you. I miss feeling you on me, to have….”

Kevin’s phone beeps. It’s his alarm. “I have an appointment in court.” He says and his voice sounds harsh. “I have to go.” There’s a quick kiss, just lips brushing against each other and then he’s gone. Scotty sighs.

He could have known that Kevin would react that way. At some moments it's easier than at others. They get along, they talk a lot, they also stay quiet a lot. It's a very thin line to walk, where an easy topic can become an argument and a difficult topic something they agree on in no time. He had hoped this would be a difficult one, that could easily be solved.... It wasn't. He sighs again and he leaves the envelop on the table.

*****

Kevin only comes home for lunch because he knows that Scotty has left with Saul to buy supplies. He quickly makes a sandwich. The envelop lies in front of him. It’s calling him. He takes out the sheets of paper again and reads. Everything is negative. Not that he had expected anything else.

That’s just it. The problem is not that he believes Scotty to have some disease. He also tries really hard to put what happened behind him, so they can look at their future... It's just that, some things are hard to get over. He picks up his phone and dials. “Hey….” A voice on the other side says, apparently surprised that Kevin is calling.

“Are you very busy?” Kevin asks. “Don’t have to be… Saul can buy a lot of things on his own. He doesn’t need me for everything.” Scotty replies. “Can you sit down somewhere, where it’s just you and me?”

“Sure…. Is everything alright? Should I come home?” “No!... It’s just … this may be easier to do over the phone, than in person, when I see your face and I know that I’m hurting you and I just shut down.” “Am I supposed to get worried?” Scotty can’t help by sound fearful.

“Sure.” Scotty answers. “That day, that Jason came to see me, back at the loft, when you barged in on us… Do you remember that day?” “I’d rather not.”

“Please?” “Yes, I remember. I made a complete fool of myself.” “No, you didn’t, it was actually kinda cute, but that wasn’t the point I wanted to make. Do you remember the thoughts you had that morning? At work? About Jason and me?”

“Kevin! I don’t plan to debate what I had in my mind about you and your ex!” “Please! Stick with me on this one. Tell me.” “I imagined you and him.” Scotty reluctantly agrees. “We already established that. What did you imagine?”

“What I imagined? I don’t know.” “Come on, Scotty! You’re better than that! You didn’t leave work early, to barge in on Jason and me, because you thought he and I were innocently sipping tea! What were you thinking?!” Scotty is quiet for a while, obviously struggling with his thoughts. Kevin waits.

“I… I imagined you… and him…. in the kitchen… My safe-zone, I presume…” “What were we doing?” “Kev!” “Come on! What were we doing there, in the kitchen, in your safe-zone?”

Kevin can almost feel Scotty resist. “I tried not to imagine….” Scotty apologizes beforehand. “’Course not.” Kevin agrees that it’s better not to dwell on the thought of your lover with exes or one-night-stands, but unfortunately it doesn’t always work that way.

“… but I kept having images of you and him, kissing, touching…. Because I didn’t really know him, I kept imagining you and how you would look at him… Like you look at me…. Perhaps with more love and tenderness than you would me, because I somehow couldn’t imagine that you loved me more than him.” Scotty’s voice trembles.

Kevin makes his grip on the phone tighter. He knows he’s hurting Scotty. “So you can understand how powerful those images can get? I mean....Do you remember how you felt when you thought of Jason and me together?”

“….Sick. Just sick. Just to imagine you and him…. Sick!” Kevin just knows that Scotty is fighting back the tears… “That’s the point, huh? The one you’re trying to make?”

“I'm asking you all this, because I want you to know that I try not to. I try not to get ‘images’, because I know I should get past this.... Were you conflicted between trusting me and barging in on Jason and me?"

"I changed my mind a million times. At work, while leaving the restaurant, on my way back and even in front of our apartment-door...." Scotty confesses.

"I feel like that right now. I want to be with you and forget about Marcus. Forget he ever existed and what he did to you. Or what you did together... But… when we start to move beyond kissing,… I see him. I don’t see you. I see him… And I know I’m unfair. I know that I love you, I know that you love me. I know we have to get through this, but when I close my eyes…. All I see is him….” Kevin can hardly control his tears.

“You know me too well.” He then says, but Scotty doesn’t answer to that. “I don’t know how to fix that.” Scotty sounds so defeated. “No, me neither…. Listen, I’m glad that you had yourself tested. I appreciate that you wanted to take away a concern I could have. So, we know that logically and physically…..”

Scotty is still in thoughts when Saul finds him ten minutes later. “Are you alright?” Saul asks “Yeah, sure… I just had a talk with Kevin. It was … emotional.” “Over the phone?”

“Sometimes that’s easier... because you can’t see the other one. It’s all so complicated…. Why did I have to screw things up so badly?” “You both did. Kevin was there too to screw it up.” Saul answers automatically. Scotty shakes his head.

“He was in a dark place, but he didn’t cheat.” “Could have.” “But he didn’t.”

“He made other mistakes…” Saul points out.“And I let him, because I felt that I had lost my right to correct him, having made such a stupid mistake of my own.” “Scotty, this going around in circles is not going to help you … or him. Did he blame you for something?”

“No, he tried to explain why he finds it difficult to be … intimate with me.” Scotty answers with a slightly embarrassed face. Saul nods. He can imagine the feelings Kevin must be having and he can imagine how tough it must be for Scotty. “You two will work it out. I have faith in you two.” He then says, gently tapping Scotty on the knee.