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I’ve written so many of these damn Have You Ever quizzes that I actually searched C&R and Googled to make sure that I haven’t already written an ‘On Your Birthday’ one. If it does exist, I can’t find it. So here it is! In honor of my upcoming birthday: Have You Ever … On Your Birthday?!

You know the rules but I’ll tell you anyway: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever?!

1. Have you ever had a birthday?2. Have you ever received a crappy gift on your birthday?3. Have you ever bought yourself a present on your birthday?4. Have you ever worked on your birthday?5. Have you ever thrown yourself a party on your birthday?6. Have you ever been surprised by a birthday party at work on your birthday?7. Have you ever been surprised by a surprise party on your birthday?8. Have you ever baked yourself a cake on your birthday?9. Have you ever received a free meal at a restaurant on your birthday?10. Have you ever received a free drink at a bar on your birthday?11. Have you ever turned into a gluttonous cake monster on your birthday?12. Have you ever thrown up on your birthday?13. Have you ever been disappointed (for any reason) on your birthday?14. Have you ever lied about your age on your birthday?15. Have you ever forgotten your own birthday?16. Have you ever ignored your birthday and hoped it would just go away?17. Have you ever cried on your birthday?18. Have you ever gotten really drunk on your birthday?19. Have you ever used illegal drugs on your birthday?20. Have you ever had to spend your birthday alone?21. Have you ever broken up with someone on your birthday?22. Have you ever deleted your birthday on Facebook just to see who really remembers your birthday?23. Have you ever had sex on your birthday?24. Have you ever received any type of sex act as a birthday gift?25. Have you ever slept with a prostitute on your birthday?

OMG! Did you know that we missed National Business Etiquette Week? It was June 3rd – 9th. DAMMIT! That’s usually the only week a year that I behave myself at work. I guess I’ll just have to wait until next year. Do you have good business etiquette? Let’s find out!

The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever…

1. Have you ever farted loudly at work?2. Have you ever burped loudly at work?3. Have you ever pooped your pants at work?4. Have you ever cursed at a coworker?5. Have you ever been cursed at by a coworker?6. Have you ever hung up the telephone on a coworker?7. Have you ever hung up the telephone on a client/supplier/customer?8. Have you ever stunk up the office with your nasty smelling food?9. Have you ever eaten someone else’s food out of the office fridge?10. Have you ever hogged the work microwave for 5 minutes warming up frozen food?11. Have you ever borrowed office supplies off of a coworkers desk and not returned them?12. Have you ever finished the office coffee and not made another pot?13. Have you ever left the copier jammed after you jammed it?14. Have you ever stolen office supplies from the office for home use?15. Have you ever been reprimanded for not adhereing to the dress code at work?16. Have you ever clogged the toilet at work and not tell anyone?17. Have you ever snuck out of the office early and not tell anyone?18. Have you ever used your lunch hour to interview for another job?19. Have you ever complained about your job on facebook while at your job?20. Have you ever physically struck a coworker?21. Have you ever been physically struck by a coworker22. Have you ever sexually harassed a coworker?23. Have you ever been sexually harassed by a coworker?24. Have you ever been sexually harassed by your boss?25. Have you ever had sex with a coworker?

How are you celebrating National Etiquette Week (May 14th – May 18th)? Have you been kind to everyone in your life … even those smelly strangers? Is your life bursting at the seams with love, respect and good manners? Or maybe you’re a awful, nasty c-bag to everyone in your life. Either way, we’re about to find out!

The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever?!

1. Have you ever been late?2. Have you ever forgotten to introduce a date, friend or acquaintance to a group of new people?3. Have you ever regifted a gift?4. Have you ever forgotten to RSVP?5. Have you ever taken the last bit of coffee and not made a new pot at work?6. Have you ever commented negatively about someone on Facebook?7. Have you ever farted in a public place?8. Have you ever smoked a cigarette really close to non-smokers?9. Have you ever cut in line?10. Have you ever remained seated on public transportation when a disabled or elderly person was forced to stand?11. Have you ever hogged a sidewalk so no one could pass you?12. Have you ever clipped your nails (or otherwise groomed yourself) in public?13. Have you ever engaged in excessive PDA?14. Have you ever hit all the buttons in an elevator?15. Have you ever let the doors close instead of holding an elevator for someone?16. Have you ever skipped the tip at a restaurant?17. Have you ever made a lot of noise in a quiet movie theater?18. Have you ever left pubes, pee, poo or any other mess in or on a public toilet without cleaning it up?19. Have you ever coughed or sneezed onto someone else?20. Have you ever had a conversation with someone on speakerphone in a public place?21. Have you ever used profanity in front of children in a public place?22. Have you ever talked with your mouth full?23. Have you ever behaved rudely at the gym? (not wiping off machines, monopolizing machines, etc.)24. Have you ever not held the door for someone when entering or exiting a store?25. Have you ever stared at someone’s boobs instead of their face when they were talking to you?

Some claim that the pet you choose can reveal a lot about your personality.
Is it true? Let’s find out…

Mikey & Ty: English Bulldog
“People who owned utility dogs, like English bulldogs …[are] more conscientious and extroverted.” (source)

Adam: Cat
“…A sensitive fella! And he’s not only sensitive, but just loves to send you photos of his cat all day long and post them on Facebook and Twitter. I’m not sure why this is, but guys with cats are prone to such things.” (source)

Mel: French Bulldog, 3 cats (also: 2.5 alpacas and 2 Shetland sheep)
“The owners … are expressive and full of personality. These people are often overachievers because they like a dog that is a bit of a challenge.” (source) “Cats inexplicably make you stand out as more and more insane with each additional feline you possess.” (source)

Michelle M.: Parakeet
If you “…fancy a smaller variety such as a Parakeet or Canary,
you tend to be softer-spoken with a gentle demeanor.” (source)

VUBOQ: Cat
“You are easy going, but independent just like your cat; however,
you do enjoy a little snuggle time from time to time.” (source)

Craig: Wants a cat
Cat people are “more likely to be open… Open people tend to be:
curious, creative, artistic & nontraditional thinkers.” (source)

John: (had)Rabbits
“The reason your man would have a pet rabbit is because he never had one when he was a kid, and now that he’s living on his own, he’s going to finally fulfill that dream. The rabbit’s name is probably something like “Rambo”or “Killer” to make up for the fact that he’s a dude who actually owns a fluffy bunny.” (source)

Tam & The Kid: 2 Cats & a Rabbit
“If you get stressed out easily, you may be a cat person. Cat people were, as a group, 12% more neurotic than dog people. Neurotic people are: easily stressed, anxious & worriers.” (source) Rabbit owners are nice, active and are great with long-term commitments. (source) (Note: I couldn’t find a photo of Tam’s pets)

Josh: Cat & Dog
“If he owns a dog, your man is loyal and can actually commit, because owning a dog is as close to having a child as it comes.” (source) “Cat people are loners who are less religious than non-cat owners, want instant gratification, are satisfied with their jobs and are socially conscious.” (source)

Mama Polt: fluffy little dog
“…You have a desire to nurture your tiny pets. You tend to enjoy accessorizing and your pet can be an extension of that quality. Maybe you just really love cats but are in denial. In any case, you love that you can take your small pooch with you almost anywhere. You are probably as cute and lovable as your puppy, but sometimes might be considered annoying.” (source)

It’s Friday … and that can only mean one thing. It’s time for the Friday Five, MOTHAFUDGERS!

First up this week is the breaking news that a company called Applied Clean Tech has developed a system that makes paper from sewage! Apparently 99.9% of what comes through municipal waste water treatments systems is nasty-ass black and grey “water” … but that other .1% is a goldmine! It’s made up mostly of food waste, toilet paper and clothing fibers. Once cleaned, these “solids” can be transformed into a whole new type of paper. It’s an interesting idea … but I’m not sure if paper made of shit will really catch on. Cuz it’s made of shit. S-h-i-t.

Is your vagina white enough? Apparently in India, it’s rather important for your vagina to be as shiny and as white as possible. I had no idea, but I guess there’s a hierarchy of skin tone within the Indian community. “As if it isn’t bad enough that darker-skinned people are encouraged to stay out of the sun and invest in skin-bleaching products like Fair & Lovely, and that white actresses are being imported to play Indian people in Bollywood movies, now everyone has to be insecure about the fact that their vaginas happen to be the color that vaginas are?” On the one hand, this is deeply disturbing … on the other, it’s oddly hilarious (for people with sick senses of humor like me). Check out this commercial for Clean and Dry Intimate Wash:

Wednesday night I went to see David Sedaris! He’s one of my favorite authors, and whenever his tour makes its way to central Jersey I do my best to make it to one of his readings. This was my third time, and he never fails to amuse. The entire audience laughed for 90 minutes straight. I just love him so much!

Forth on the weekly list of five is something mindless and stupid (JUST LIKE ME!) … it’s the … wait for it … PROCATINATOR! It doesn’t even really require explanation … just click here. Wait until you’re amused, and then hit refresh. Hit refresh again. Now come back to C&R. OMG I’m in heaven. Since I discovered Procatinator, I’ve visited at least 1000 times a day. Seriously. I’m totally serial.

And finally this week is a web video so amazing that it deserves an introduction by none other than Michelle M.: “Sweet Brown! Oh Lord Jesus, I love her.” And I love you, Michelle M.! I nominate Sweet Brown for Monday Muse 2012! Check her out here:

This week’s Five contained paper made out of human shit, sparkling white vaginas, David Sedaris, animated cat .gifs with music, and SWEET BROWN!

OH LORD JESUS! I smell barbeque and that means I must run from my computer! Now I got bronchitis! Ain’t nobody got time for that! Thank the FSM that the Friday Five is complete!

Did you know that today is Friday? Well, it is. Some people think this Friday is good because of the imminent arrival of Zombie Jesus. I think it is special, because I am off from work. In other amazing news, a lot of incredible things happened this week. That’s why we do the thing we do that we call Friday Five. Enjoy!

Do you watch Mad Men? If not, you should. This week’s episode featured January Jones’s character Betty struggling with her weight. Why is this relevant to you? Because it is insanely hilarious. Someone even started a twitter account @fatbettyfrancis to immortalize the things that she would say. Let’s hope they don’t rush to make her skinny anytime soon.

After gorging yourself on Fat Betty, you might want to share it on Facebook. Facebook has become an integral part of our world, but can you imagine what it would look like with 1990s web design and graphics? Well if you can’t, someone already did. Ladies and gentlemen, please watch “If Facebook were invented in the ’90s.”

If you are like me, you think a lot about what photo to use on Facebook. Some British chick named Samantha Brickdoesn’t have that problem. You see….she is so beautiful that she gets whatever she wants and all kinds of attention she doesn’t want. Poor Samantha!

Now, on to someone who actually deserves your attention: Ryan Gosling. Apparently this gorgeous movie star also has a penchant for saving lives. A British woman looked the wrong way in Manhattan this week and the helpful Gosling warned her about oncoming traffic. I don’t know about you, but I am going to start looking the wrong way before I cross the street. Sure I could end up dead, but I could also get saved by Ryan Gosling.

And finally, you might have heard that moronic director James Cameron has decided to re-release his epically bad movie Titanic in theatres in 3D. I hated the movie when it first came out and I still do. One intrepid, amazing blogger over at Jezebel wrote an accurate and hilarious recap of the movie. It is long, but entirely worth it. Enjoy it here!

Oh Yay! Friday has arrived and you have my five: Fat Betty, 90s Facebook, the arrogance of Samantha Brick, my hero Ryan Gosling, and the best movie review of all time. What’s on your list this week?