When it feels too risky to tell your husband about your tangles

When we first got married, I trusted my cat more than my new husband.

It wasn’t as much that I found him untrustworthy, I was just so tangled up in deep insecurities about who I was… and who I was not. And while I wanted to believe his heart for me was good, and that he could love someone like me… I just couldn’t.

So instead, I questioned his motives at every turn, always ready to rumble if my tangles tightened because of something he did or said.

Yeah, I was pretty fun to be married to back them. Poor guy. I was just so very messy.

And honestly, sometimes I still am.

I’d been hurt by so many men before, and the thought of letting my guard down seemed like the perfect set-up to be hurt one more time. And I didn’t want to feel that kind of pain again.

You know, abuse has a way of teaching you to protect yourself at all costs. It whispers “You’re all you’ve got. So build those walls to keep your heart safe and sound.”

So I did.

But when the walls came tumbling down in our marriage and we were standing on divorce’s doorstep, I knew something needed to change.

So I mustered up the courage to share the sexual abuse I suffered at age 4… something I’d kept tucked away in secret. I shared with him other times men had hurt my heart… hurt my body… hurt my sense of worth.

Story upon story spilled from within, and my husband wept.

I did, too.

Being married means sayingyes to sharing YOU — the good, the bad, and the tangled. It’s the ultimate act of vulnerability.

~ It means putting yourself out there one more time (or maybe even more).

~ It means taking a risk and revealing those hidden places in your heart.

~ It means being willing to listen to his heart, and handling it with care.

~ It means trusting that your husband loves all of you.

~ It means sharing the messy times and how they affect you today.

And how do you do THAT with a tangled heart?

You ask God to loosen those knots of insecurity that make it hard to let others in. It might look something like this:

“Father, You are the only way I can open my heart and share past hurts with my husband. I’m worried he might reject me when he sees how tangled I am. What if he doesn’t love me anymore once he knows the real me? What if he uses the knowledge I share against me? Would You calm my fears and give me confidence to push through and be vulnerable? My husband may not be perfect, but he is good. And I want deeper intimacy together – the kind that comes from really knowing one another. Untangle me so I can risk my heart once again. Only You can turn a hardened heart fleshy, and I need Your help. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

And when you ask God to loosen those knots of insecurity, something wonderful happens.

He gives you courage to share your journey… which will create intimacy in your marriage… and heal you up along the way.

P.S. What is God asking YOU to share with your husband, and what’s keeping you from it?

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Meet Carey

Hi! I'm Carey -- a speaker, author and life coach honest about my life and faith, stumbles, fumbles and all. My ministry focuses on helping women untangle their self-worth from the "I'm-not good enough" messages and reminding them of their immeasurable value. Because when a woman knows her value, she is freed up to live with purpose and joy.