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Author: intothebeauty

It’s been a few weeks. Maybe a month. My apologies – I’m terrible at keeping up!

However, there’s something that I’ve been dying to write about – because this is my space – my internet journal, if you will – and I need to write it down as an insurance policy, in case I ever forget.

Since my ex, I’d been anxiously pondering what love would feel like after the first one. After the first heartbreak. Would I remember what it felt like? Would it feel the same? Would I be scared?

Well, on our anniversary last month, The Drummer told me he loved me. It was something I wasn’t expecting, but I was ready for. Prior to our anniversary, people started asking me if I loved him. I told them I didn’t know – mostly because I didn’t want to say it out loud. I didn’t want to jinx it. My ex was the first and only person I ever said I love you to- I said it first – and dammit, I swore I’d never say it first again. For several months I’d been quietly looking at the Drummer while we’re laying in bed together and just thinking the words in my head.

I love you.

But I refused to say it out loud. I didn’t need to. I knew how I felt, and not saying it was okay. Because showing it matters more.

But low and behold, on our anniversary night when I was about to fall asleep, I asked him to give me a hug and kiss goodnight because he wasn’t tired yet.

He laid down and looked at me.

You know I love you, right?

What? Huh? Yeah, I know.

….Wait, did you say you loved me?

Yes!

I honestly thought I didn’t hear him right. I didn’t want to respond without being 100% sure I heard him right. Of course, I told him I loved him too. Because I do. Every bit of him. He’s been the kindest, sweetest man, and has treated me better in this little-over-a-year that anyone has treated me in my entire lifetime. We aren’t perfect – but we’re happy. And affectionate. Yet have the perfect amount of space between us to the point where we always miss each other. It’s absolutely lovely.

And in that moment – in that few seconds where our hearts were all laid on the table, or the bed if you want to be technical, I knew it was possible. Yes, Lara. You are able to love again. And it’s real – and true – and genuine. And because of that moment and this relationship I will always remember my capacity to love does not end with one person. To many, that may not be a big surprise but to me it means the world.

I am the proof, my friends. Feeling love after such a tremendous heartbreak is possible. And to answer some of my own questions, it feels the same and different all at the same time. The same because when I look at him I want to just melt with happiness, but different because it’s a more mature kind of love. It’s a more appreciative love. Because I know nothing in this life is every promised to us and we don’t know what tomorrow brings. I refuse to go to bed angry, or leave without telling him I love him, or even without thanking him for something simple like getting me a glass of water. It’s so important to do those little things because that’s what keeps love alive.

Love is a verb. It’s an action. And just because you feel it for someone doesn’t make it constant. You must work at it. Nurture it. Help it grow. And don’t ever stop. Whether you are 17 or 70, loving someone is still something you must do. Many people forget that and let it fall apart at the seams. If you try your hardest and it still falls apart, so be it. But if you let it, shame on you. Because love is one hell of a feeling. And I’ll never forget that again.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of my followers. If you don’t take anything from this post, at least take some love from it, because I have plenty to go around. From my heart to yours, Namaste.

We were together for years. And over the last few months, my heart has been breaking piece by piece.

The others were never good enough. They left me with a bad taste, and I knew my nights with them would never last. They were most certainly one night stands, and for a while, I felt like that was all I’d ever have.

But then, I saw him and experienced all of his glory.. He was one of very few words. He never spoke back, got sassy, or told me I was wrong. Actually, being with him made me feel so right. He lifted me up when I was down and made me fly when I was already high. And for the first time in my life, I thought I had met my match.

It wasn’t until early this year, when I started changing my life around that things got rough with us. I began trying to be healthier, and in turn spent less time with him. I think the distance made him angry – because every time we actually got together, it was short lived and I always went to bed alone with a sick feeling in my stomach.

It wasn’t until last month, when I thought I’d give it one more shot, that I truly knew it was over. I thought it would be sweet to spend the Halloween weeks together in Salem Massachusetts, where celebrating before the actual holiday wouldn’t be so out of the ordinary.

We had dinner, which was lovely, and everything went fine for a few hours. We met again at a tavern and I thought the chill running through me was just from the cold. But alas, it was not. I got home and felt that same sick, sad feeling in my stomach. I could hear him yelling at me as I wept and vomited in the bathroom.

YOU’RE NOT THE SAME! YOU CAN’T HANDLE ME ANYMORE, CAN YOU?

And just like that, I knew. No, sir. I cannot handle you anymore. My healthy lifestyle has torn me from your sweet aroma. My clean body and mind makes it difficult to spend any reasonable amount of time with you. It hurts to be without you, but it hurts more when I’m with you.

We had many great, wonderful years together. I’ll never forget how happy he made me feel. I’ve started moving on, slowly but surely, and I know that even though we aren’t together, I’m in a great place in my life. Time will only tell if we ever meet again. Maybe a short embrace here and there, but that’s all we’ll ever have between us.

Jameson, I will always love you. Thank you for the time we did have. Until we meet again.

I wasn’t going to post this one. Sort of for myself. But I thought, why would I make a post private when I never have before? Honesty is what I’m here for.

Dear Lara From One Year Minus Three Days Ago,

I know you can’t breathe right now, but you’re going to be okay.

Today was one of the toughest days of your life thus far. Top Ten for sure. You did what millions of other people do every hour of every day. You felt what it was like to love someone for a long time-not like mom and dad, mind you-and then have them not love you back anymore. Hurts, huh? Remember when all of your friends went through that and you’d just shrug it off like, “What’s their problem?” Well, in hindsight, I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy. But after all, hindsight is always 20/20.

Something about the clocks changing really gets to me. It’s 4:30 PM, and as I look out at the giant glass windows and doors to the front of the office, all I manage to see is a dark background with the reflection of the inside.

Between the gym, my boyfriend, family, friends, meal preps, and all of the other stupid adult things I have to do (like LAUNDRY. Ugh.) I rarely have time for TV. So you can imagine what happens to me when I actually have the time for it. It takes me half the evening to pick out something to watch.

The other night, I was on my computer and some Big Foot show was on. In all fairness, I leave the TV on animal planet when I leave my cat JUST in case Too Cute! Kittens comes on and she can realize she isn’t a lone wolf in the story of meows. I glanced up, a little stoned – I won’t lie – and just felt like all of humanity had died within that production crew.

How is this show still on?

They have NEVER FOUND BIGFOOT TO DATE.

[the crew] DID YOU HEAR THAT? DID YOU?

All they do in that show is talk about the sounds they heard. I bet if I walked in the woods at night somewhere in East Bumfuck North America, I would hear weird shit too. Get a grip. You are creating a stagnate youth. It’s people that do shit like that that will keep our civilization from evolving.

Anywho, tonight is one of those nights.

I’ve already worked out this morning, and for the first time in a while I have absolutely no plans. It’s kind of nice. I’ll eat dinner, get a 30ish minute bout of yoga in, and then stare at the TV for a while before opening my computer and browsing the interwebs instead. I think the internet is more tailored to my ADD. The Drummer hates it when I browse my phone while we’re watching something. He thinks it’s because it doesn’t interest me. It’s not that – it’s that I truly cannot sit in one spot for long and direct my attention solely to one thing for an hour. That’s impossible for mwah!

I blame the darkness for my lack of motivation. I have plenty of people whom I haven’t seen in forever that I could call and stop in. But dammit. Dark equals sleep. Dark equals night time which equals sleep! I need to find a way to fight off this demonic early sunset that’s plagued my part of the world. I could never live in those places where darkness ensues for months at a time. I’d be seasonally depressed to the max.

Oh well.

Maybe, like the bears, the winter is a time for human hibernation. Maybe you’re SUPPOSE to stay in, snuggle, drink tea, and get lost in some electronic thing you own. Maybe it’s to gather enough energy to have the Spring/Summer of our lives!

Ah, back to blogging about the butts. I had to write the part two sooner or later, and I’m happy to announce that as of today I am cigarette free. I didn’t quit on my birthday like I had originally wanted, but I was down to one cigarette a day for a few weeks before I finally just threw in the towel. I had run out one day and I was like you know what, Lara? You don’t need that one stupid cigarette anymore.

And just like that, I broke free from the habit that would eventually kill me one day.

Let me tell you, though, it was NOT easy. It’s been hard. Really fucking hard. I honestly have come to the acceptance that I’m just going to be a little bit bitchier for the rest of my life. For every time someone cuts me off on the highway, or anyone at work aggravates me, I don’t have that precious rolled up piece of goodness to get me through that spike in my blood pressure anymore. I have “deep breathing.” Pardon me while I hypothetically throw up all over that phrase because quite frankly, I’d rather smoke a cigarette.

BUT. The list of diseases my family has from smoking is of enormous quantities. So I’d rather be an old bitch than a nice young corpse. It makes life spicier that way anyways.

I’ve only cheated 3 times too! And it’s only when I’m drunk. Anyone who has ever been a smoker can attest that nothing is better than having a cigarette and a drink at the same friggin time. Ugh. It’s amazing.

But you know what? Each time I’ve cheated has never been followed by a relapse.

I won’t go back to it. I CAN’T. I work out six days a week. I do intense cardio and lifting. There is NO way I would be able to accomplish what I have with cigarettes. I can’t believe I got through workouts as a smoker. I used to smoke one right BEFORE a workout. HAHA seriously, Lara? Seriously.

Once the withdrawals go away, it truly is just mind over matter. My entire family smokes. Every single day I am surrounded by cigarette smoke. That’s will power right there. Just like how every day I decide to not eat the cookies on my counter, I also decide not to smoke a cigarette. And the fact that sugar is just as addicting as cigarettes is a WHOLE other post for a different day. And seriously, that WILL be discussed eventually because it’s just as serious as any other addiction in this world.

I can’t lie though. I DO have a crutch. And this “crutch” has been up for serious debate but it’s saved my lungs. What is this magic that I speak of? E-cigarettes. Not just any e-cigarette. A Provape – It’s one of the top ones on the market. NOT cheap but when I do the math between smoking that and cigarettes, my vape is FAR more superior. And I know what you nay sayers have to say:

E Juice is dangeroussss! OH NO PLEASE DON’T SMOKE THAT STUFF LARA!

This isn’t a debate, but I’m just going to leave the vape talk off with the fact that I haven’t seen one piece of research against e-cigarettes. I’m extremely careful with it, I keep children away from it, and I don’t poison my neighbors with it. A few puffs of that a day to keep me sane is extremely better than smoking a pack of cigs a day. I pick and choose my dangers wisely.

Anyways, I’m 4 months strong and so far, not wanting to go back. They say trying to quit after failing to quit is one of the hardest things to do – harder than the original quit. I won’t let myself get to that point. As long as I have my health on my side, I think I’ll be okay. Even if I’m a little bitchy 🙂

It’s hard to stay on track nutritionally this time of year. Let’s face it.

Halloween candy.

Thanksgiving desserts.

And we can’t forget Christmas! UGHHHHHHHHH

Staying healthy during times of tricks and treats CAN be done. It just takes preparation and…well…willpower.

One place I find a lot of my inspiration from is…wait for it, wait for it! Pinterest.

I know, I know. I’m like every other woman on the planet. BUT I just hopped on the Pinterest band wagon only a few short months ago.

However, pinners beware. Not all pins are created equally.

The most important piece of advice I can give you when looking at Pinterest recipes is to read them closely. First of all, the recipes can be off. I’ve made a few recipes from there where the end result was NOT like the picture or correct. Try to look at the comments and see if anyone else had made the recipe or if the pinner themselves actually made it.

Second, unless it was from a reputable website, you need to double check their nutrition facts. I made a chili a few weeks ago that was dubbed “The Biggest Loser Chili Recipe” and the calories were WAY off. When making a recipe, I go to the Calorie Count Website and input all of the ingredients. I know it’s time consuming, but it’s the only way to really see the nutritional content of what you’re cooking.

Adding on to the point I previously made, checking nutrition is extremely important when it comes to clicking on those “healthy” pins. Sometimes those “healthy” recipes are full of sugar, especially the hidden sugar that the fitness world preaches about. Yes, that apple pie you want to make is a healthier version, but that doesn’t mean you should eat more than one piece or that you can have it every day. Any kind of baking you do at home can be considered healthier because YOU are the one making it – It’s not filled with all of those preservatives or additional funky sounding ingredients that you get at the grocery store.

This brings me to my next topic, which is more of a picture and recipe I HAVE to share because it came out AMAZING. I spen last Friday carving pumpkins with my friends and I said I’d bring dessert. Now, not everyone I know is on my healthy eating bandwagon, so I had to find something that would fit my nutritional bill AND taste delicious.

I scoured the internet for recipes and stumbled upon one for 60 calorie pumpkin cakes. It looked easy enough, so I figured why the hell not? And THIS was the end result:

My feet made a cameo at the bottom. Sorry about that 🙂 I cut my squares into 28 instead of 35 so they were slightly more than 60 calories but WOW. Just wow. My friends and family loved them. They were moist, pumpkin-y, and the cream cheese frosting was out of this world. If you want the recipe, you can find it here. I highly recommend it to anyone, even if you aren’t a health nut like myself.

This coming Friday I’m going to a Halloween party with The Drummer, and I need to bring something but I have like ZERO time so I decided to make these bad boys:

Courtesy of skinnymom.com

I’ll post a picture of them when I actually make them this weekend. They aren’t the HEALTHIEST but I don’t know The Drummer’s friends well enough to engulf them with my craziness so these will suffice. If you want to beat me to it, find the recipe here!

Hope you guys have a great week! I’m new to this whole health blogging thing, so if anyone has any requests, I’d love to hear them!

P.S. If you or anyone you know needs vitamins, protein, or any healthy foods/healthy living items, Vitacost has MILLIONS of products. I seriously buy from them monthly. You can get $10 off your first order by clicking here!