THOUGH JUST A DAY PAST ITS SELL-BY, IT DOES SMELL A BIT IFFY.

WHOLEMEAL SHIT (EXCEPT BREAD)

Of course the title of this article does not literally refer to shit. In fairness, I imagine wholemeal shit is no more foul than any other kind of shit (except girls’ shit, which is definitely like little soap balls from the Body Shop. OK I nicked that line off Peep Show. Sue me.)

No. The title refers to shit in the sense of ‘stuff’, which the author understands to be the contemporary vernacular of the kind of people who would beat the stuff out of me for using the word ‘vernacular’. (That last sentence was very witty, by the way.) So what I am talking about is wholemeal stuff. Which is shit.

OK, this is getting a bit confusing. Allow me to clarify myself: I do not like wholemeal stuff. Wholemeal pasta? An absolute monstrosity. If soggy autumn trees had intestines, I imagine they would taste like wholemeal pasta. And sauce will not disguise this hideousness – putting sauce on wholemeal pasta is akin to the utterly, utterly futile attempt to cover up the smell of shit (literal shit) with air freshener – the whole thing simply coalesces into an appalling miasma of putridity. And brown rice? BROWN RICE?? Don’t even get me started. It comes over here, taking our jobs…

The exception to my anti-Wholemeal stance is bread. I like a bit of wholemeal bread. Unless it has seeds in. Average Food Blog maintains, at all times, an anti-seed philosophy. Deal with it.