Sunday, 18 March 2012

Masterba.. umm of Ceremonies

I was brought up with a very opened family, no subject was really taboo and my parents thought it best to provide us with all the information and tools needed to facilitate our sexual growth. This growth came in the form of something we should call "The Magic Box". I was still living at home at the time when the box made its triumphant entry into my life. I can home one day to find a large box on my bed wrapped in holographic paper, I got excited and proceeded to rip the paper off and underneath the paper was a leopard skin box, excitedly I threw off the lid and just as quickly I reeled backwards in horror before proceeding to smash the lid back on the box and sit down on my bed.After getting my breath back and my heart rate down I lifted the lid and examined the contents of the box more closely. In it was all the information and accessories that would eventually catapult me into the lady that I am today. There was books and movies, condoms, lube, vagidoms (think a piece of glad wrap that you place over your garden to facilitate no bodily fluids being transferred during cunningulus) and my very own mini vibrator. Being just 18 and new to the world of boys (I was a late developer and didnt even have my first kiss until I was 17) this was all very confronting, so I slid the box under the bed, called my sister who confirmed that she too had received one and we agreed that we would never speak of it again.

This was the actual video as modelled by the Hippy House Mate, check out the VHS Action

And true to form the box did stay hidden for a few years, it moved with me from house to house gathering dust until one day at the age of 23 I thought "hey maybe I'll give this a crack" At first the act of self pleasure was strange, it wasnt natural for me and I would give up pretty early in the piece. As if by a devine intervention at this time the Adult Shop started advertising the world famous "Rabbit" at half price. If it was on Sex and the City and could get Charollette to do it then by golly I needed one and maybe it could make me do it as well.There was only one small hurdle, I was too shy to go and purchase one for myself. The idea of going into an adult shop and actually buying something filled me with a fear of a thousand suns. I ended up calling my friend and asking if he would come with me. The feeling I got when I waked into the shop was similar to what I believe it would fee like to walk into a brothel, I looked around to make sure no one had seen me and then snuck inside.

This one? Yes that one

On entering the shop I was confronted with a sight of wall to wall sex, I scurried to the counter to ask the lady for the "special" and much to my embarrassment the assistant insisted on showing me alll of the features of the model. Here is a little fact for you, if you touch something to the end of your nose it will give you an idea of what it will feel like on your *cough*. After this rather mortifying experience she boxed it up and away I went. So success, now I had it, I was well on my way to becoming a class A wanker. Or was I? It sat in my bottom draw with about 10 minutes use on it for about 6 months because it scared the bejesus out of me. About this same time I was seeing a guy who suggested that we go to Sexpo to meet his friends from work. I reluctantly agreed and this was to be a rather eye opening tryst into the world of adult entertainment. As a result of my shyness one of his work mates bought me a show bag full of goodies and with a wink she told me to enjoy myself.

One of the hardest things to overcome when learning to "love" myself was to get over the mind set that what I was doing was strange or wrong. I actually have no idea where this thought came from, maybe it was a failed sexual relationship or maybe it was from my brief stint in the church were it was brandished as something sinful, but from what ever it was, once I smashed that myth I realised that it was normal and natural and god damn enjoyable. Also how can you tell someone what you like if you don even know yourself?

It appears that I was not alone with my above thoughts and now that I'm all for it, like everything else I do, I'm not really ashamed to talk about it. It was through talking about it that I found out a very close friend of mine didn't partake in the "flicking of the bean" (I had a conversation earlier this week with someone who said they hated this statement. If it was you and you read my blog I would like to apologise now but I couldn't think of a better name for it). Her reasoning was that she shares a house and is worried about people knowing what she is getting up to. I have encouraged her to push through that and even got her some "training wheels" so hopefully she gets on the cycle path soon.

Here is time to admit that I too had these same concerns, after living alone for 5 years I moved into a share house at the beginning of 2011 and the number one adjustment I had to make was wearing clothes around the house and number one concern I had was how to masturbate whilst living in a share house. I was so concerned that my house mate would hear me and judge me that I carried out some independent tests to ascertain the sound proofing of my bedroom (this was done whilst home alone of course). If you would like to imagine me running in and out of my bedroom listening against the door whilst my Rabbit went through its various cycles unattended on the bed you will get a close idea of how the independent tests ran.

I hadn't been living in the house for very long and had the whole place to myself so I thought that I would use this opportunity to my advantage but disaster struck just as the roller coaster approached the top of the track, I heard the front door open and footsteps down the hall way, and as you can imagine by this time it was to late to turn the ride around. I slept a fitfull sleep with thoughts of the awkward looks that I would receive in the morning at the breakfast table. Thankfully when I got up the Hippy House mate was still asleep but there was a note on the table for me. We had been watching a series of Skins and I had just that day purchased the next season for us to watch, I had left a note on the box saying "Are you excited, I am!!!" and in response to that note he had written ";)" and nothing more. I was certain that he knew what Id been doing and I was mortified. I ended up bringing it up at a later date and it turns out that he hadn't heard me and his seemingly winky face was actually a smiley face that had gone retarded. I don't know why but I am fine with him knowing that I do it but him knowing when I am doing it is slightly more private.

I'm committed to the cause and blame my high levels of sexual energy on having a higher than normal level of testosterone (this may also explain my hairy chest and beard). So it seems a bit shocking that I agreed to a self imposed "No Fap February" (yes I am aware that February is the shortest month but No Fap July doesn't really have the same ring to it). I had been told that I was excessive with my "exercise" and I decided to show the word that I didn't need it. Well let me tell you it was the toughest month of my life and I saw that my happiness was exponentially affected the further into the month that we got. I lasted it, just and decided to never do it again. The world hasn't done anything to deserve a Cranky Kerry.

If this Graph read Happiness and Days with No Fap, it would be totally accurate

Masturbation like sex shouldn't really be something that is taboo, its something that everyone does (and if you don't why not?). It de-stresses you, it releases happy endorphins, it makes you feel confident and it keeps porn stars and battery makers in business. If there is a negative I am yet to find it and despite everyone telling me that if I keep playing with it, it will fall off, that is yet to happen. I am not blind (well any blinder than I was previously) and my palms are most definitely not hairy. On a serious note I am scared that it may close up from non use and I don't want that to happen, so while I am single I'm not willing to take that risk, I'm sure you understand.

Love and Flicks

Miss K

What you think this song is about then?

P.S Whilst talking about the writing of this post to the Hippy House mate he goes "Oh when ever your door is closed I just assume that, thats what you are doing" hmmmm

P.P.S While this isnt exactly relevant to my story, it does tie in and shows how terrible children can be. I work with a girl called Katie and at school poor Katie got called Katie-masturbatie. Kids are terrible, very terrible (but also hilariously funny. I nearly wet myself I was laughing so hard about this name)