Tag: company

I remember in high school being quite taken with the not-quite-so-authentic-or-inspired lyrics of Avril Lavigne:

“I want to know that I

Have been to the extreme

So knock me off my feet

Come on now give it to me

Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love?

Is it enough to breath?

Somebody rip my heart out

And leave me here to bleed

Is it enough to die?

Somebody save my life

I’d rather be anything but ordinary please”

Like I said, not entirely the most inspired bit of song writing ever penned to paper… but it encapsulated a desire that was beginning to pressurize in my chest; a desire to do great and extraordinary things in my life.

An excerpt taken from my daily journal around this same teenage-time reveals my own, modest ambitions towards achieving greatness:

Sept 16, 2002

Life Goals:

President of the United States

Prime Minister of Britain

Be knighted

Win at least two Academy Awards for Best Director an Actor

Win a Tony Award for Best Actor

Win a Nobel Peace Prize

…the list went on from there with at least fifteen more items of a similar nature. Although I am relatively confident that my fourteen-year-old self was cognizant enough to realize that A) Several of the items in that list would be tactically impossible due to different laws and regulations, such as nationality; B) Would take multiple life times to fulfill, if at all; and C) Would require substantially different skill-sets and life orientations – and yet, I am not so certain I was fully aware of the unfeasibility of such.

The craving within me to achieve something “Great” was profound beyond measure. I recollect lying on a heap of crumpled comforter, on the floor of my parent’s master bedroom at sixteen, having my first-ever legitimate panic attack due to the fact that should have already attained something publicly noteworthy and profound in my already advancing years of age.

Long story short: I was a nut-job, hellbent for glory, and totally disconnected with any deep sense of self-worth.

I wanted the profoundly extra-ordinary to manifest in my life and convince me that I was merely good enough.

Sound like a current President we all have the misfortune to be currently acquainted with?

At that time in my life, I really did not have a lot going on to teach me my inherent worth. I had few (if any) real friendships, I was scared of most everyone I encountered, I was bullied horrendously, I was totally disconnected from my sexuality, and so repressed that I considered myself “broken” because I could not feel what other normal teenagers felt. I felt really worthless.

And I wanted something glorious beyond measure to tell me I had worth – because I could not find it in myself.

And so, going to college shortly thereafter, I decided to become a professional actor – because assuredly Hollywood and the thundering applause of a raucous crowed would give me that fulfillment. And, if it wouldn’t be tangibly possible to attain all of those checkpoints on my high school to-do list, at least onscreen I could play a President, King, Physicist and Astronaut and achieve some feeling of that attainment.

Well, life, as she has a way of doing, has kicked me in the gut and pulled the rug out from underneath me, knocking me down, enough times since that point that I began to question that longing. Why did I want to be a movie star? What was I afraid of in starting to date other people (something I did not attempt until I was twenty-five years of age)?

Long story cut very short: I eventually started to develop sincere self worth. I started to learn my “size.” Learn to know what I had to genuinely offer and what was mere aggrandizement. I started to genuinely connect to who I truly was, what I wanted, and what I had to give.

A large step in that process for me was discovering meditation. I truly credit it for giving me my life back. It taught me to start removing the layers of facade I had unintentionally fabricated, to uncover my truest self beneath.

And – it simultaneously connected me with the mystical – the ethereal – and the divine.

I moved into a meditation ashram right after college – where I learned that I was “special.” I had unique karma to encounter this practice. I was blessed. And that I had a chance to go beyond what normal humans experienced – and live a life that was truly “extraordinary.”

Wait… Sound familiar? … somehow I traded one dream of self-aggrandizement for another.

In hind sight, I do see there was a dangerous mentality to the tradition I entered. A promise of specialness. A guarantee of life being more than normal humans (outside the practice) could understand. And that gave me purpose and a feeling of divine grace.

And then, as all false-idols must, my sacred imaginings shattered to the ground. The leaders that promised this mystical and otherworldly ideal were revealed to be more human than they presented themselves to be.

And I ended up parting ways from that tradition – heartbroken and distraught. But still much more alive and authentically myself than I encountered it, thanks to the still-excellent teachings I received.

But in wake of that leaving, I once again have found that craving inside me to be “extraordinary” resurfacing.

Now, I no longer want to be a movie star, or famous, or a figure of social importance. I actually now desire the simple things: a loving home, a gracious partner, good food, sturdy friendships.

But there’s part of me that wants something so much more – something that I am now beginning to call a connection to the divine. My experiences in the ashram started to illuminate some glimpses of that for me.

And if I am totally honest with myself – that longing for something more than what we associate “normal” to be – is indeed a spiritual longing.

A desire to return to a state of pure-bliss, pure-awareness, pure-truth that the ancient rishis and “seers” have articulated existing within each and every one of us.

That the longing for the “Extraordinary” is nothing more than a longing to return home – to my Soul.

Spiritual traditions across the globe have articulated that the Earth is just one place conscious beings reside – and that there are other places that we might be more akin to. That we are “spirits having a physical experience.”

My question is now for myself: how can I truly appreciate and relish the ordinary – while striving for the extraordinary within me – and not through outer glorification?

How can I cultivate the magic, love, light, and prosperity I feel in glimpses in my meditation in the rest of my waking life?

How can I live a life fully empowered, aware, enheartened, and steadfast?

How can I live in truth?

These are my current questions. Questions to which I am unsure there are solid answers.

A few months ago I moved from Chicago, Illinois to sunny Los Angeles. I left the gloom of winter with its perpetually frozen sidewalks for the warm and welcoming air of southern California. It is the home of television, web, and cinema industries – as well as fake breasts, fluffy dogs, and reflective sunglasses. Seven sports cars on every street corner. Bikinis as an appropriate fashion choice while shopping at the mall. Men and women with jewelry on each finger. My senses have been overwhelmed by the garish and the glamorous clashing together – the beautiful and the bizarre playing equally, side by side.

Over these few months, I have noticed myself acclimating to these unusual sights. I remember an instance when I first arrived in LA and went to sign up for a gym membership. The young woman who assisted me had inflated her lips with collagen to such a size that I wanted to ask if I could borrow them for my nephew’s swimming lessons. My grandmother’s pin cushion would have looked more demure on her face than those puffy pink lips. In addition, her fabricated eyelashes extended so far down her face that they brushed the tops of her cheekbones. I was surprised she didn’t require a construction crane to leverage her eyelids apart.

But that was just my first day in Los Angeles. Last week, I came across the same membership advisor, and to my total shock I found her face inline with what I now perceive as “natural.” It no longer seemed exaggerated to me – even though I’m certain the lips and eyelashes were of the same proportions. My perception of what is “normal” has changed by being indoctrinated into a culture where what is excessive elsewhere is merely commonplace. What would be considered a monstrosity in the Midwest seems elegant in LA.

And this change in perception frightens me. Within such a short period of time, my spectrum of what is acceptable has shifted. And while this type of shift has been very positive at other times in my life (such as learning to see my sexuality as a gift and blessing), I am pretty confident that I do not want to adopt the appreciation of excess that is so prevalent here. I do not want to think that “more” and “bigger” is “better,” or that outer façades are the most important attributes of a human being. I want to see a person with facial characteristics blown up past anything nature would have provided as being comical. I don’t want to loose my ability to discern the exaggerated from the sincere.

When I reflect on what attributes I would like my surroundings to encourage, the following come to mind: empathy, simplicity in living, compassion, sincerity, truthfulness, creativity, and seeing the innate perfection already existing in all living beings. And I am not sure that this La La Land culture cares about all these qualities – nay, even some of them. The question then becomes whether I should endure here and fight against the dominant culture, or seek a home elsewhere. If I stay, I realize that it will require cultivating a strong support network of individuals that harmonize with my vision of the world and remind me what is truly important for real happiness and wellbeing. I don’t want the way that the majority of Angelenos see the world to become my prevailing vantage.

“I sincerely wish to cultivate a life where I see myself as already perfect, and that true attractiveness comes from my inner light shining brightly outwards.”

Throughout history there have been examples of men and women who have stood against hate, bias, anger, and public disapproval, and endured. They became beacons of hope for people to emulate. But is that the best way to build a life (since it’s certainly not the easiest)? Would those people have chosen to weather those storms had they been able to go elsewhere? Do I want to become a lighthouse, rising above the salty waves and winds that attempt to pull me back into the deep of superficiality? Wouldn’t I be better suited in a culture that cherishes the same values as I?

Several decades ago, a great meditation master named Swami Muktananda talked about this very topic. He called it “paying attention to the company you keep.” In many of his books, he discussed how we will rise or fall to the general level of the individuals surrounding us. For the past seven years of my life, I lived in a yogic ashram. I was surrounded by a community of spiritual aspirants. Every day we meditated, chanted, cooked healthy food, did selfless service. Everyone was interested in growing and cultivating their best selves. The people that surrounded me had qualities I aspired to attain. Furthermore, I had wonderful family, childhood friends, artistic collaborators, and an amazing partner nearby to help raise my level. I yearned to be the mean of the wonderful people surrounding me.

Since coming to LA, I have been entirely on my own. There has been practically no one here with whom I interact with on a regular basis. So does that mean that I am now the average of the few people I see with any regularity – such as the grocery clerk at Whole Foods, or the neighbor that’s bitter and resentful of everyone? Certainly, I am still in regular contact with my loved ones from back home, but they aren’t physically here with me. And that provides a unique challenge for identifying my actual peer group.

A more recent figure that has similarly stressed the importance of our surroundings is Warren Buffett; he calls this practice “Marrying Up.” Mr. Buffett articulates this as choosing a spouse that is more amazing than yourself, and inspires you so completely that you begin to pick up their best qualities. He argues to choose the same for one’s most intimate circle of friends. I do feel tremendously blessed that I have “married up” in terms of my partner and my closest friendships. I have some truly fantastic people in my life. But these fools aren’t here with me. And, frankly, FaceTime isn’t quite the same as a real life interaction.

So what’s a yokel to do? Shall I stay here and “batten down the hatches” for a spell, enduring the toxic waters? Or do I find a more amicable culture in which to reside? If I stay, then I certainly need friends, family, and my partner here with me, as well as finding locals that mesh with my priorities and worldview. I am scared, though, that I will travel further down this abyss of superficiality and decide months from now that such practices as injecting human growth hormone or melatonin II as being acceptable life choices because is so permissible here – and it plays upon my insecurities of being too skinny and pale. I sincerely wish to cultivate a life where I see myself as already perfect, and that true attractiveness comes from my inner light shining brightly outwards.

I suppose it comes down to this: our surroundings have a profound effect on us. What matters most is that we become conscious of what those influences are so we can choose to flow with them, or fortify against them. We all have blessed areas of our lives: people or institutions that remind us of our innate worth, beauty, intelligence, and god-like spark. We all also have areas in our lives that encourage our deepest fears and tensions to multiply. As an actor I am in an industry that can sometimes highlight these constricted and dark areas of my psyche; but the art form also has the capacity to bring light, joy, laughter, enlightenment to many individuals. Ultimately, it doesn’t so much matter where we are, so long as we are using our lives to make ourselves better than we were yesterday and make the world a better place. It’s all a journey – and we might as well enjoy the surroundings. For the vistas will change before we even notice them passing.

Namaste (The enlightened part of me bows to the enlightened part of you – inside we are one.)