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Thursday, January 26, 2006

BALCO Potato/BC Dining Exposé/Dance-Off!

Stop staring. You're being really rude. Like you've never seen a 12" potato before. By golly, look at the girth on that thing!But seriously kids, this is an actual potato found in Lower Dining Hall. See how it compares to a quarter in the picture. We bought it after we noticed major foot traffic around the self-serve grill area. People were gawking. Rubberneckers ceased all salad-tossing and gathered around to see the super-potato only imagined before in the late Dr. Atkins' carbo nightmares.After we grabbed the potato, we noticed men in black suits and Ray-Bans talking into hidden radio transmitters. We then brought the voluminous vegetable up to 90 for steroid testing and preliminary x-rays. As we anticipated, there was something suspicious going on. Further examination in the infirmary suggested that the potato was an underage intoxicated female and it was transported to St. Elizabeth's. That part we made up. But seriously, this is something that needs to be addressed. Because of the recent increase in oversized produce (12" bananas, huge nuts, etc) found in BC dining halls, the Gongshow@BC would like to propose a random steroid testing system comparable to that in baseball.This is only the first of many issues plaguing our cafeteria system. The "Turkey Nazi" of Hillside Cafe (aka "The Refrigerator") is one of the most hated employees at our university. For years, the Fridge has been denying diners even the most meager of requests: an extra slice of roast beef, a combination of cheddar and herb cheese, grill requests from the outside lines, a pleasant Hillside experience, among others. He is a big man and rules with authority over his work-study sandwich making elves. The other day, the Fridge publicly berated one of such said elves for giving a diner his requested turkey/roast beef combo. A heated argument followed between the sympathetic diner and the Turkey Nazi, and he began screaming "NO PANINI FOR YOU, NO PANINI FOR YOU!!"Another recent issue in campus-wide cafeterias is the post-9/11 security checks of closed containers at the register. This includes plastic carry trays, bookbags, Sean Williams' Afro, sharp metal objects, the inside of pita pockets, and even coffee cups. It seems that the cafeteria was losing so much revenue to Swedish Fish smugglers and the hidden cookie in the FroYo trick that they thought this was a necessary action. Now students are prone to random, extremely invasive cavity searches at the register. A uniformed cafeteria manager carries out the search, and on rare occasions, brings students into the "back room" for an even more thorough examination which often includes a BBQ sauce massage and spatula spankings.

Chief Morningstar v. Bain Train Dance Off!--> The man, the myth, the drunk. Chief MorningStar. This Cleveland Circle character recently survived a knife attack. This is a true story. Chief got into a scuffle with "some dude" who pulled out a knife ("like samurai s**t, you know!") and tried to stab Chief. He slashed Chief's hand, and there is still a long, open wound on his palm. Chief prevailed however, and "pulled a Colt .45 out of my jacket and knocked him out cold!" Chief does more than just fight, however. He also screams at the graveyard in the middle of the night, claiming to passersby that if you scream loud enough, you can hear voices screaming back at you. Most of us call these screams "echoes," but it seems to entertain Chief, so let's not ruin it for him. On top of hearing voices, the Chief is also one sick dancer. Seriously. Watch these video clips, taken by cellphone in Cleveland Circle, and watch Morningstar have a impromptu dance battle with Alex Bain, a Gongshow@BC correspondent and Bostonians' stud muffin. Click these links to see ROUND 1 and ROUND 2.

Barstool Sports: Don't forget to pick up the latest Barstool Sports at Roggie's to see the latest edition of Gongshow U. While you're at it, check out the unreal vixens on the site.

Big Ups: To the poor kid who took a puck to the face at Saturday night's BC-UVM game. He left the rink in true Gongshow fashion, to a standing ovation. To the BC dining employees who go stand up for their rights and continue to serve whatever the customers request. To JT at the Cleveland Circle Applebees, a guy who keeps it real and is loyal to his customers (unlike you, Turkey Nazi.) To Professor Taylor and Professor Barry who are keeping the gongshow spirit alive in CSOM- you guys are officially endorsed by the Gongshow@BC.