I’ll admit it, if it wasn’t for the In Print ABC Blogging Challenge I would probably never be blogging about Kale Chips, but considering I have tried these not once, not twice, but THREE times recently, it was inevitable that with K week comes Kale.

I had heard great things about Kale Chips—the homemade healthy snack craze that’s crossing the nation, Facebook and Pinterest. Having personally experienced them three times now, I can honestly say that Kale Chips are the Emperor’s New Clothes of snack foods.

I tried two different kinds of kale. I used three different recipes. The results were all basically the same—yuk. I kept trying because, well, obviously I was missing something.

Why these are supposed to be delicious is beyond me. First of all, if it can’t lift a dip, you can’t call it a chip. So, from now on we shall reference these as kale crisps, because crisp they are! Crisp like old book pages. Crisp like that receipt you left on your dashboard all summer. Crisp like the incriminating files that remain after the trash can fire.
Crisp and fragile and crumble in your mouth like ash.

Each time I tried them, I thought—what does this remind me of? Then it hit me. Paper.
If you tore up pieces of notebook paper, tossed them in some light olive oil, added a dash of salt and pepper, or seasoned salt, or onion salt, or grated parmesan cheese, or whatever the savory seasoning of your choice is, then popped ‘em in the oven, at 325 or 350 or whatever your particular recipe recommends, to “crisp,” voila’—same thing!
I’m sure they wouldn’t be as healthy– unless you used green paper, of course.

Now, to be honest, I wasn’t surprised that they kind of sucked. I mean, you’re basically baking bitter lettuce. Which brings me back to the Emperor’s New Clothes metaphor—who exactly is eating these and then telling other’s they should eat them, too? I think it’s a snack conspiracy, or maybe a snack hazing. Like, I had to eat this crap, so I’m going to smile and say nom-nom, delicious, and make you suffer through the delusion, too.
And then you’ll be so mad you got duped you’ll just have to fool someone else.
It’s a vicious cycle.

I say, ENOUGH ALREADY!

Believe it or not, I do enjoy healthy snacks. I joke about Diet Coke and Doritos, but in truth, I drink tons of water and I love fresh veggies. Carrots, celery, cucumbers—yum.
I love iceberg lettuce and hard boiled eggs, apples and pears, yams and squash.
Dang, you’re making me hungry.

But not for crispy seasoned paper.

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About Mary Fran Says

I am an artist, crafter, designer and writer. I enjoy working with mixed media-- applying visual and tactile manipulations to telling a story. Not a lot of market for that, though, :), so I'm focusing on short story submissions and novel completions. Yes, plural. Lots of beginnings, too many ideas, not enough focus.

One Response to Kale Chips

Absolutely hilarious! I laughed out loud the whole time I was reading this post. I’m with you, Mary!!! Next thing you know, people will be touting the extraordinary flavor of pigweed chips and squirrel tail jerky. Off with their heads!