Monday, June 19, 2006

D-Day, or so I thought..

Blogs are for personal thoughts without a care ... or consideration of who reads it. I may sound a bit crazy in this post but I can't care. Truth be told it!

A few nights ago Edmonton won their 6th game in the Stanley cup Finals to Carolina. I was ecstatic as this means that there really is a chance for Edmonton to win Stanley. They haven't won it all since 1990. And it has been ten years since Edmonton has even advanced into the conference final. So this is a really big deal for the Edmonton Oilers and their fans. When they won on Saturday, this made it possible for them to win tonight, game 7.. Lord Stanely's cup! Carolina was leading the series.. 3-1.. and for people who don't know what that means.. Edmonton had to win three games in a row and Carolina just needed one more victory and the cup was theirs. Well Edmonton has won 2 games now and tonight is the night.

Anyways, waaaay off topic. I was quite excited and I took to drinking some wine. I didn't drink as much as I usually do. The wine was left over from last week so I didn't drink an entire bottle or half for that matter. I "smoke" a little when I feel like it and so I went to doing that..

Rob's friend looked quite strange to me .. he was saying things that I couldn't really understand anymore. Rob was on my right singing Bob Marley songs.. No Woman No Cry..Three Little Birds. That was it, my head was spinning.. I couldn't function properly, let alone think at all. I just got up and headed for the bathroom. I layed there in a ball hoping that I would stop spinning and come to my senses. The next thing I knew, not aware of how much time went by.. Rob was in the bathroom with me. He was trying to move me, telling me to sit up. Instantly I began my puking marathon. Of course the toilet seat was down and I had messed all over the top and side of it..hitting the garbage for the last bit. I won't get into great detail about the puke and how many times I threw up. But it lasted awhile..an hour or two.

I can honestly say that I was so out of it that I really thought that I was dieing. I was finished on this earth and I was not going to be around anymore. This is the most terrifying feeling. I didn't know who I was, what I was, where I was... I didn't know anything. Finally I came to and Rob is telling me to breathe, to look at him..to focus on something, anything. Apparently I was convulsing and my eyes were rolling into the back of my head. This is because I was passing out with my eyes open, but at the time I probably looked like I was posessed. Like off of the Exorcist when she's puking green (pea soup) all over the room. In my case it was strawberries..lol. Yes I decided to eat an entire container of strawberries about fifteen minutes before my little trip. What I realized after I was out of it and "dieing".. was that Rob kept his cool the entire time. He held my head out of the toilet so that I wouldn't be gurgling in toilet water. He let me lay on my side and puke and then he would gently lift my head wipe everything off of the tile. Then he would wipe my mouth and face so that I was clean. Eventually I was starting to pass out and so he picked up my dead weight and put me on his side of the bed. He undressed me and got me some water, which I refused to drink. I woke again at 4 and he was sitting up behind me making sure I was breathing.. Wow.

The first thing my mom said when I told her this story wasn't what I thought it would be. She said, "You keep this one." And she is totally right. For a bit I was questioning myself. Was I good enough for him. He showed me so much love and devotion, was I giving him the same? I felt like I was lacking the involvement and care in our relationship. I was taking Bob for granted. I loved him the whole time but I was questioning it for much of it.

NOW I am sooooo happy. I am SOOOOOO in love. I think that night had to happen because I needed to realize it. I think that these unfortunate things happen in life, like getting so f*ct up and puking all over myself, for a reason, to help us realize what we have. I have a beautiful life. I need to get my head out of the "doubt" hole and live my life!

All day yesterday I felt so strange. Most likely I was just really hung over and weak. But Rob let me be lazy while he tidied up our house. He did something like four loads of laundry. As the night progressed I thought for some reason that this might be my last night. Maybe I was so happy because I was meant to die tonight. What?? I don't know where this insecurity came from but it was certainly there. I told Rob to check on me if he woke in the middle of the night to make sure that I was okay. He promised. He looked concerned that I was thinking this but not once did he question me, doubt me.. he respected my crazy concerns and went to bed. Wow.

I'm lucky. For being so crazy, I should be alone and I am the opposite of that. I have everything and everyone I love in my life. (- one) !

I think I am afraid of dieing because of Rudi. I think that I fear the unknown because I know that I am not ready to go. Rudi wasn't ready to go if you asked him a month before he was diagnosed..he would have said "Hell no! I want to live my life!" Let's be honest, most people aren't ready to go. They might accept their fate..but they weren't ready. So I fear death because it could be at any time.. I am not completely weird where I won't fly in a plane or drive in a car in fear of an accident. But I think I was so aware of the death issue yesterday because it was Father's Day. I mean I really thought I was dieing the other night. That is some scary stuff.

I feel like I really went through something major. I feel renewed, saved and refreshed. I feel like celebrating my life.. I need to take time to celebrate the fact that I am breathing and experiencing life. A lot of people take things for granted.

4 comments:

Wow girlfriend, that is a heavy night to endure. Smoke and drink NEVER mix well, one or the other. It is so important to remember the important stuff and not worry about the rest. You've got a wonderful man there Haley, I'm happy for you.

Dear lord - there was something in that shit. Then mix that with drinking and gurgling toilet water is right. That is so scary that you were convulsing. But I've had nights that I'm - well, I never should have lived through them. Truth be told - period. I'm glad you had/have Rob.