Trust online dating

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We know you’re sick and tired of being lonely and this is why you have come to the right place.

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I have to remind myself every thirty seconds at the beginning of this journey across the world wide web that I am not the first person to online date.

In fact, I am so late to this party that I could physically call up a friend on a Razor flip phone and be all, "Wow, Uggs are SO COMFY, who knew?

So obviously I'm there to meet humans, when all of a sudden one messages me and I remember something pretty crucial: I hate humans. But on most nights, I'm liable to blow off even my best friends to watch 30 Rock reruns and eat my way through the quarter pound of sliced Jarlsberg I order from the deli every week.

And now these total strangers want me to chat them back? But I know better than to put up my foxiest pic on a dating app, because A).

This site is absolutely free to join, and you can find the man or woman of your dreams within minutes!Don't get me wrong guys, it's not that I don't believe in online dating. Meanwhile, I will be hiding in the far reaches of the internet, so paranoid of online dating that I'm leaning into dying alone and considering becoming a cat.It's just that I'm pretty sure everyone I don't personally know is a murderer who either wants to sell my kidneys to a wealthy crime lord with two weeks left to live or collect my tears in a jar for witchcraft. (Not just buying one—I passed that freeway exit on loneliness a long ass time ago.)Look, we're all told we're supposed to embrace singledom and live in the moment and blah, and I'm all about that. Like most millennials, I'm a wee bit obsessed with myself.You wanna know why I'm so paranoid about online anything? I don't have to even be on a dating site for people to find out intimate, personal details about my life, because I over-share on Twitter like it's my job and I also over-share all over the internet because it is my actual, legitimate job. I had nothing to be ashamed of when I was single and enjoying myself, and I have nothing to be ashamed of now that I'm single and want to date somebody—especially considering that everybody on those sites is in the exact same boat. Because in my teenagehood, my parents were so committed to that whole "keeping me alive" thing that they banned me from even having a Facebook until I was 16, and even then, they had all the passwords to my accounts until I turned 18. The only real difference between me doing it here and me doing it there is that there is a huge vulnerability in the presentation of it on a dating app. Look this tiny screen-sized capture of my soul, and consider dating me, please."I realized that it's not that I'm embarrassed or scared of people knowing things about me on the internet—the "paranoia," perhaps, is actually my complete and utter discomfort with people out there in the world knowing that I am actively trying to not be alone in life. Sometime in the last 12 hours of having this dating app, and sometime perhaps even in the last hour of writing this article, I have made peace with my paranoia and faced it for what it really is. It's like being scared of a spider when the spider is every bit as terrified as you.