Drive-Thru Goo

Taco Bell goes toe-to-toe with the in-car breakfast heavyweights.

Americans spend more than $30 billion a year on fast-food breakfast, annually dropping about $40 million worth of sausage, egg, and cheese between the front seats. Taco Bell would like to be responsible for more of those crumbs, so it rolled out its own breakfast menu this spring. Just as we do with the latest Chevys and Hondas, we lined up a few of these newcomers against the standards in their class. Taco Bell’s dominance of the niche stoner market means that few regulars may turn up for the morning feed, but those who do will undoubtedly wonder if they’re still high.

Unnatural Constructions

The Waffle Taco is as bizarre as it sounds—a quasi-Belgian pastry enfolding a sausage patty (or bacon) and scrambled eggs. But it’s only as inexplicable as the McGriddles, a breakfast sandwich that uses as its bun a pair of pancakes with baked-in syrup pockets. Embedding the syrup in the bun beats TB’s approach, though. Drizzling syrup on top of a taco is not recommended while in motion, nor is it recommended that you eat this thing—ever. Even compared with a free motel breakfast, it’s dry, chewy, and flavorless. Worse, it doesn’t take much g-loading for the clumps of overcooked egg to vacate the Waffle Taco and leave sticky syrup spatter wherever they tumble. You’ve committed many sins against your car while stuffing your pie-hole, but it won’t easily forgive this one.

Advantage: McDonald’s

Burrito Battle Royale

As edible containers, burritos are a natural fit for in-car dining. You’d expect Taco Bell to have the advantage here, as this shop knows its way around a tortilla. And you’d be right. The McDonald’s burrito is as dry as jerky and strictly an emergency ration. It’s best suited to those periodic bouts of vagrancy when you just need some cheap calories. Dog chow has greater nutritional density. Burger King’s low-buck burrito is a classier answer, with fluffy eggs and succulent sausage. But Taco Bell’s jalapeño sauce and available steak make it our favorite. Be sure to get the steak, though, because Taco Bell’s other burritos get stuffed with extra eggs, and the Bell hasn’t been serving breakfast long enough for its eggs to taste so stale.

Advantage: Taco Bell

Breakfast Dessert

Because a day that hasn’t started off right can always go further awry, all three restaurants offer cinnamon-roll breakfast chasers. And because we love marketing synergies, we only tried the two with Cinnabon cross-branding. Think of Taco Bell’s Cinnabon Delights as downy doughnut holes injected with frosting and rolled in cinnamon sugar. They’re delicious. Burger King’s Minibon requires a fork and feels like doughy Jell-O in your mouth. It’s authentically gross.