Children’s Music Composer

Cretins.

I am often dismayed at the ridiculous myths that surround children’s music and its composers in this, our deluded nation. Everyone seems so wrapped up in the magic and wonderment of “childhood” that they forget that children are conniving and scheming, and if you close your eyes and listen to one without looking upon its dewy little face or into its mesmerizing little peepers, then you’ll hear a shriller version of the adults you deal with on a regular basis– illogic, manipulation, and a willingness to kill are the prevailing characteristics of our species. In fact, most of the greatest names in children’s entertainment share an across-the-board distaste of children. Think about it… so many popular kid songs of the last century are aimed at psychologically crippling the child’s natural despotic urges and turning him or her into a laughingstock– for instance, “Black Socks,” which urges children to wear the same socks forever, thus leading to foot fungus and ostracism; or “Nobody Likes Me (I Guess I’ll Go Eat Worms),” which has led to pandemics of childhood entomophagy, effectively neutralizing generations of potentially crusading children.

It is also one of our society’s naive beliefs that all that is necessary to compose listenable children’s music is the ingestion of copious amounts of mind-altering substances. For example, did a single hippie (a term from the 1960’s to describe an aspiring children’s songwriter) pen any one good children’s song? No. (By the way, you will not win an argument with me about Puff the Magic Dragon– this is simply not a children’s song. Any savvy individual can see that it is commentary on the Napoleonic Wars.) Likewise with the yuppies–same definition, different drugs, different decade (the 1980’s)– minus the excellent children’s song “Hungry Like the Wolf,” by Duran Duran. Besides drugs, you also need a guitar, a machine to speed up your voice, a cartoon pal, and a lot of sound effects.

Some people even continue to believe that understandable language is necessary for kid music. This is simply not so. I will include a link to a song I wrote and recorded, which was extremely popular in the Soviet Union in the 1950’s, the words of which were eventually incorporated into common parlance in Slavic countries. You, yourself, may recognize some of them, as there are many cognates. For example, “Africa.” Very few people realize that it was I who named that continent. Also “Crocodile.” Listen closely– can you hear it? Yes, I was the one who named that animal, though I had originally intended for monkeys to be called “crocodiles.” You cannot control language once it has entered the ether.

Once you’ve gained these essential insights, you are on the right path to writing quality children’s music.