As a lover of horror movies, I admit my franchise viewing is at times spotty. While I've seen most of the Nightmare on Elm Street flicks, it wasn't until I heard tales of "the gayest horror film ever" that I realized I hadn't seen Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge.

When discussing the film, the word "subtext" comes up a lot. I can now confirm this is a filthy lie. There is nothing "sub" about the text—at least not in the way the filmmakers or critics are using it. In an interview with BuzzFeed, star Mark Patton said writer David Chaskin blamed his performance for making the film seem gayer than that "subtext" intended. "I love when [he] uses the word 'subtext,'" he complained. "Did you actually go to a freshman English course in high school? This is not subtext." Hilariously, director Jack Sholder claims to have done it by accident, saying in the documentary Never Sleep Again, "I simply didn't have the self-awareness to realize that any of this might be interpreted as gay."

Now that I've seen the film, my friends, I cannot believe that is possible outside of Freud's wildest dreams. Oil up, unbutton your shirt, and join me for a very special Pride Month Deja View.

So the opening scene is on a bus and we’re being set up for a big reveal of the bus driver but they already showed it’s Robert Englund. Seen here: def Robert Englund.

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This looks like every prog rock album cover.

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OK, Fu Man Chew is a VERY good name for cereal.

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It’s so creepy when parents refer to each other as mom and dad when talking to each other. Ew.

Having archery right next to and in between a softball game and soccer practice seems safe. Seems like an efficient use of space and an easy way to lessen the number of teenagers.

Of course, while I was concerned about children getting arrowed in the dick I should have been more concerned about the matter at hand.

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The girl who is clearly in love with our hero has a Horny Best Friend who is the Samantha of every social situation.

OK, so a lot of gay-ery just happened all at once. Our hero, he of the sassy Kristy McNichol haircut, sassed a 38-year-old classmate and 38-year-old classmate pulls Kristy McNichol Boy’s sweatpants down serving bare-ass-jock-strap realness. They proceed to have an on-the-ground wrestling fight while one of them has no pants on. Their fight is interrupted by their coach saying this:

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This is followed by an immediate turn from subtext to text when 38-year-old classmate says coach can generally be found at the gay bars. I feel like I really underestimated just how gloriously gay this movie was going to be.

Kristy McNichol has night terrors. He also lives in what was once Nancy’s house from the first movie. They might maybe be related or something, I don’t know. Also, yes, I'm just going to refer to him as Kristy McNichol now.

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“Daddy can’t help you now. I need you, Jesse. We got special work to do here, you and me. You’ve got the body.” This movie is outstanding. I love this movie.

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Wait, what is that? Is that a doll? A coat randomly placed upon a lit glass cabinet? Freddy taking a nap? Toni Collette chilling on the ceiling, Hereditary-styles, what?

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Kristy McNichol and Middle-Aged Teen are clearly into one another. This movie has a Female Love Interest but she is no match for this true OTP.

Kristy McNichol is having a cleaning his room dance party involving Fonda Rae, glasses from the Hollywood Montrose collection, twerking on the dresser and some manner of boner dance. Female Love Interest ruins everything.

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Kristy McNichol spends the whole movie shirtless and sweating and now his room is covered in sticky fluids. What’s the opposite of subtext? This is like ALL OVER THE TEXT. And the text’s pages are presumably stuck together.

“Hey Grady, you remember your dreams?” “Only the wet ones.” Then they talk about stuff up their coach’s ass and then they have to do missionary sweaty push-ups again.

OK, now the family is being attacked by parakeets. Great stuff.

THE PARAKEET JUST BURST INTO FLAMES. THIS IS A GOOD MOVIE.

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Kristy McNichol just wandered into a gay bar called Don’s Place and he is naturally open-shirted and soaking wet.

The coach is there serving lazy leather daddy. He’s basically just dressed like Sparky Polastri from Bring It On with a farmer tan.

I knew this movie was very gay. I didn’t know it was “spanked to death with a towel while tied up naked in the shower after taking a bunch of balls to the face” gay.

At a certain point why even trouble yourself with the shirt at all?

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So let’s break this down. He begins to go down on his girlfriend when his thoughts turn to Freddy. He runs away leaving her heartbroken and goes straight to the bed of his middle-aged best friend to tell him that someone is trying to get inside his body. The gay of it all was glorious and fun until it started being goddamn beautiful and tragic.

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Female Love Interest is trying so hard to have heterosexytimes and man girl, WE’VE BEEN THERE.

This is all very Tobias Fünke "The Man Inside Me."

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Seriously though this is what IBS is like. Talk to your physician.

The real heterosexuality was the gay sex we had along the way.

The hot dogs are catching on fire, the beers are exploding, if this movie can find a way to cut away to a train going into a tunnel I think it will be onscreen sex metaphor bingo.

Why does Englund’s makeup look so sh*tty in this movie? It looked fine in the first one. In this one he looks like a bad lasagna.

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My Freddy Krueger would never be so basic as to attack high schoolers with deck chairs. HASHTAG NOT MY FREDDY.

Me coming out as queer, actual footage:

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I don’t know what I’m looking at but I think it might be art?

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Honestly, I bet this tasted like burnt trash ham.

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Freddy is bleeding from his whatever because of the power of love.

Now he’s Kristy McNichol again because of the power of love.

Welp, they didn’t know how to end the movie so they just bookended the movie with imaginary bus problems and pulled some weird puppet nonsense on Horny Friend.