Here’s to you, Michael Phelps. You made the 2008 Beijing Olympics worth watching. They said Tyson Gay would be fun to watch, but he didn’t even make the final of his signature track and field event. How about that Chinese national hero and the only Chinese to win a gold in the 110 m hurdles, Liu Xiang. He didn’t even get to defend his gold this year. Agonizing. And let’s not forget those 12 and 13 year girls on the Chinese gymnastics team. Shame. On. You.Â

Here’s to you, Michael Phelps. Every concord wing flap that you did prior to each race left me watching with utter focus. Indeed, the same focus that you must have been feeling each time you bent over and waited for the blow of each start of the race whistle. Or do they use guns in swimming like they do track and field? And let’s not forget your mom, she may have thought you came in second place in the 100 m butterfly, but I knew. I knew the truth.

You’ve earned yourself 8 gold medals at these Beijing Olympics, Michael. You’ve done swimmingly well for yourself. You’ve surpassed the legendary Mark Spitz. You have more Olympic gold medals than any other Olympic Athlete, ever! You’ve got more medals than that Carl Lewis guy. You’ve got Bob Costas reaching at your nutsack for that pivotal interview. You have more gold medals than Estonia, Mexico, Iran, Czech Republic and even Kazakhstan. You have surpassed Miley Cyrus as the most searched person on Facebook. You are ridiculous.Â

Forget about the controversy, Michael. Who cares if Omega, one of your biggest sponsors, is in charge of time-keeping at the Olympics. You earned that .01 seconds in the 100 m butterfly. Who cares if you’re double joined in the ankles, knees and arms. Double jointed-ness and having ADHD doesn’t necessarily mean you belong in the Special Olympics. Does it?

So here’s to you Michael Phelps. You concord flapping, doubled-jointed, gold medal hoarder. You are the newly crowned Mr. USA. You are Captain Awesome. You are my new Commander Magnificent. From now on, when people talk swimming you will be included in the conversation. You made the Beijing Olympics worth while for me. And for that, I tip my hat off to you.