This Week In The Laboratories Of Democracy

Being our semi-regular weekly survey of what's goin' down in the several states where, as we know, the real work of governmentin' gets done, and where you need a dump truck to unload your head.

A week to go, and the governmentin', and the assault on democracy with intent to govern, is reaching a fever pitch out there in the hinterlands. The A-games are coming out. Addled. Appalling. Asinine. They're all in play right now.

Let's start in Ohio, where incumbent governor -- and one-time hipster Republican who can talk to the young -- John Kasich is cruising to reelection. The way we know this is that he's stopped talking about anything. He's jumped on the old mute button with both feet.

But during a heated six-minute exchange about the issue, Kasich would not explain why he supported such a policy. The governor initially shrugged off the pointed question from Democratic challenger Edward FitzGerald and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Asked again by a member of the paper's editorial board, Kasich simply reiterated his support for pro-life policies, including an abortion exception in cases of "rape, incest, and life of the mother," but did not explain how the gag rule advanced that viewpoint.

Between this guy and Joni (The Invisible Woman) Ernst out in Iowa, I've found two people who have less respect for newspaper editorial boards than I do, which I didn't think was possible.

Let us move along to the once-great plains of North Dakota, the world's newest petro-state. Some folks got a measure on the ballot that would require the carnival of extraction to pay a little for the privilege of turning the state inside out; in case some North Dakotans turn up with three heads in a decade or so, the measure would like the Dig We Must crew to maintain at least some rivers that are still largely water, and not Quaker State. This plan, of course, is very unpopular in certain circles.

The fossil fuel industry is vehemently fighting the measure and the American Petroleum Institute, a Washington, D.C.-based oil industry lobbying group, has spent over $1 million, nearly half of the total raised, on opposing the measure. The oil industry would appear to want to use state revenue to help build the infrastructure they need to maximize profit in the near-term with little consideration for the long-term health of the state.

"About 16 percent of the oil tax revenues are not already earmarked, therefore, there's a limited amount of funds that are discretionary," Ron Ness, president of the North Dakota Petroleum Council, told E&E News in an email. "Now is not the time to divert these oil tax dollars elsewhere on a permanent basis with no plan. We need to prioritize getting this money back to the communities to get caught up on infrastructure."

They want to make sure that future North Dakotans have good roads on which to drive to the emergency room to have that third head removed. This is very oil of them.

Now, we skip over to Pennsylvania, where a local coroner is proving that all those militia types are completely correct that county government is the only true authority under the Constitution, so pretty much they can do what they want, and also entrepreneurship!

Westmoreland County Coroner Ken Bacha told WTAE that his office planned to sell 97 guns during the Nov. 8 auction. He said that families of the deceased are given one year to claim the weapons, and then Pennsylvania law required them to be sold. And Bacha said that the violent history of the guns could actually inflate their value. "Most of these firearms that are going to be auctioned were non-homicide firearms," he explained. "In other words, accidental deaths, but most of them were suicides." "Now as we're a week and a half away, we're getting more phone calls, several today. I talked to the auctioneer today, and he's getting a lot of hits on his website, and a lot of calls to his website.

So, if you off yourself in Westmoreland County, make sure you drop by later to pick up your gun, or the county's going to sell it to some profiteering memorabilia enthusiast who probably has a reality show on the Bravo network. Human beings are such a mistake.

You might want to read the above instructions carefully, and take them to heart, because, if you go to Nebraska, you're going to want to shoot yourself in the head repeatedly. A few weeks ago, we mentioned that Congressman Lee Terry (R-Tar Sands) had unleashed the most flatly racist political advertisement since the death of Theodore Bilbo against his Democratic rival, Brad Ashford. It tried to link Ashford to a tattooed lunatic named Nikko Jenkins, who killed four people last summer. Well, Jenkins has about 9 million reasons to be in court these days, and so there he was yesterday, when he decided to return the favor to Lee Terry.

When Kaci Hickox escaped Big Chicken's Saran Wrap hoosegow and went back to Maine, we cautioned that she was throwing herself into the loving care of human bowling-jacket Paul LePage, and that Hickox was doing something braver now than she was doing when she went to West Africa. LePage is running for reelection in a three-way election. This resulted in a derpect storm of the highest order.

But Maine Gov. Paul LePage, who canceled campaign events to keep tabs on the situation, maintained that the state must be "vigilant" to protect others. State law allows a judge to grant temporary custody of someone if health officials demonstrate "a clear and immediate public health threat." The state's court filing was expected Thursday, officials said.

I suspect it will be hard for LePage to do anything covertly. Can't this poor woman finally be free of nosy huge people?

And we conclude, as always, in the great state of Oklahoma, where Official Blog Partridge Caller ("Keith? Laurie!") Friedman Of The Plains brings usfurther evidence of the death of irony.

"It's kind of sad," said Stafford North, distinguished professor of Bible at Oklahoma Christian, who oversaw much of the development of the museum. Now 82, North still has his office inside the Enterprise Square building at Oklahoma Christian. A museum dedicated to teaching children about the free enterprise system, it was ultimately economics that closed Enterprise Square after 17 years. "The technology quickly became outdated and it would have been very, very expensive to replace," North said...Hidden behind stacks of metal filing cabinets, patio heaters and folding chairs is some of the last remaining signage for the museum. The message "Be Enterprising!" in foot-tall letters once greeted visitors to the gift shop.

The Invisible Hand is, indeed, a cruel mistress. It has no respect for the banal catchphrases on which this country was based.

This is your democracy, America. Cherish it.

Charles P. PierceCharles P Pierce is the author of four books, mostly recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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