Answers, Sadness, Migraine, Hope

I was able to work through some of the difficult emotions I shared in my last post. Pushing through and allowing myself to feel each one was difficult, yet necessary. It was okay to be angry, hurt, sad, and even cry about what was happening. The challenging piece was to share it with those people in my life that I had attached to those feelings. I managed well, and we are stronger because of it all.

My teenage part was able to share her secret with me. I must say, I didn’t handle it well. It wasn’t that I was angry at her for what she did, I felt responsible that she had to, once again, protect me from “life”. It made me sad for her, and I desperately wanted to take that pain away. Of course, I blame myself, because ultimately it’s my life that I can’t handle. Hence the vicious cycle of having DID…thankful for the parts of me, feel responsible for what they endured, grateful that they protected me, sad they had to suffer horrific events…

Another thing I didn’t handle well was I walked out of my therapy session with 30 minutes left…which was not my finest hour for sure. My therapist had shared ahead of time what my teenager had to tell with me was not “that bad”. So, when she finished telling me what she had done, I was shocked, and completely taken by surprise. I sat there for a minute or two and thought, what am I going to say? My therapist didn’t think it was a big deal, and I am devastated by this news! I got up, paid her, and said I was leaving.

I spent 30 minutes walking around, unsure of what to do, say, think, etc. I cried nonstop, wanted to numb, dissociate, anything to make it go away. I made it back to my car and went to work. By 7:30 that night, I was nauseated and headed for bed. Shame swirled and engulfed the insides of me for failing to deal with issues, and causing parts of me to suffer once again. It seemed to consume every fiber of my being; it was all I thought about as I lay awake all night.

When I got to work yesterday, the migraine began to set in fairly quickly. I knew it was my teenager struggling, probably with my reaction to her news. Even though I reassured her, it was not her fault, no blame, she did what she felt needed to be done and I wasn’t upset or angry with her at all. It’s hard to understand, I’m sure from her perspective, that I would need time to process and “feel” this new information. She wants me to be okay, happy, and not the cause of my grief. I understand, but I still have to “feel” the feelings, or it will cause much more pain down the road.

I know she is struggling with wanting to drink and cut right now, because I can feel it. It is hard to explain how, exactly, but I can feel it inside. I am encouraging her to share and open up as much as she can. She does message our therapist, which is good for her right now. Grateful that she can do that, and it is acceptable with my T. She sent some messages this morning, and that is encouraging to me. Isolation is never the answer for anyone of us, even though it is awfully tempting.

While I was getting ready this morning, I heard a song on Air1, called Flawless, by MeryMe. I immediately pulled it up on my computer and watched the lyric video (which I am attaching to this post). God’s timing, perfect, as usual. I played it for her and said that this is how God and me feel about you! We love you so deeply, and want you to be strong!

Today, we are stepping out in faith, believing things are changing, and having hope for new beginnings and for things we can’t even ask or dare imagine!

No matter the bumpsNo matter the bruisesNo matter the scarsStill the truth isThe cross has madeThe cross has made you flawlessNo matter the hurtOr how deep the wound isNo matter the painStill the truth isThe cross has madeThe cross has made you flawless

Really great work in letting those emotions surface and feeling them and supporting yourself through that. And it is painful when someone who is really important doesn’t validate or understand pain or thinks something isn’t a big deal when it really is and feels like it. You sound solid, even with the very difficult emotion and confusion about your teenager’s needs and struggles right now. Sending support for you both.