National Geographic

Gender:

Male

Masturbation has been an integral part of my life for as long as I can remember. I started masturbating when I was quite young, around age 6 or 7 — although at the time, I wasn't specifically aware of what I was doing. On our school playground were several horizontal bars that kids would straddle and twirl around in circles. With my crotch pressed against the bar I found it quite stimulating. Once the bell rang for everyone to return from recess, I would continue twirling, and with the added stress of disobeying my teachers it eventually caused me to have a funny feeling "down there." I had no idea what was going on, and for a while this was the only way I could create that feeling. Later, I searched for other ways to duplicate this wonderful sensation. The most successful method at this age involved hanging from doorways and pressing my crotch against the door. In my bed, I would also throw my legs over my head and rub my penis against the headboard. This particular method was a bit noisy, as my motions would cause the headboard to bang against the wall. This led to my most embarrassing masturbation moment: One night my father walked in on me while I was naked, upside-down and rubbing my penis against my headboard. He asked me what I was doing — he'd obviously heard the bed banging against the wall — but since it was pretty obvious, he just closed the door. I decided then I needed to find a quieter method. That's when I think I figured out that my hand felt a lot better. Unfortunately, my friends and I never discussed masturbation, so I had to figure this all out myself. I wish I'd had Internet access when I was a kid.

All of this experience was prior to my first ejaculation. And unlike the experiences I've read of others, I don't have a distinct memory of my first ejaculation. I think it's because it developed so gradually with me — a little moisture at orgasm to start with, and progressively more and more. I also think it had to do with my preferred masturbation method: Up to this point, I was basically using frottage with inanimate objects. Since I most often did that clothed, any evidence of an ejaculation would have been absorbed into my underwear. Given my age there wouldn't have been much of a discharge, anyway.

Also at a very early age I made a discovery about myself: I was different. I felt different. I couldn't identify how or why, but that sensation was very clear. You probably can figure where this is going — this was my very first step in discovering that I was gay. I can even give you the date all this began. At the time my parents subscribed to National Geographic magazine. In the January 1970 issue (when I was 5) there was a picture of some boys from a Southeast Asian country, probably a little older than I was at the time, naked and playing ball in the rain. I was captivated by this picture. My mother noticed my rapt attention on this photo and asked if seeing naked people bothered me. I was a very modest child growing up; even seeing someone bending over and accidentally seeing their underwear peeking over their belts could cause me to blush with empathic embarrassment. But my mother was wrong in this case. I wasn't embarrassed or bothered by the nudity per se. It was my first look at another boy's genitals that had me so hypnotized. I had seen naked women in these same magazines with no effect whatsoever; I could have been looking at potted plant for all the difference it made. But seeing my first naked male produced quite a different effect indeed.

You might ask yourself what all this has to do with masturbation. Quite a lot actually. For most of my life, masturbation kept me sane. Deep down I always knew I was gay, but I was desperate to keep this fact concealed from everyone. The only outlet I had were my fantasies. In my thoughts (and with a little help from some pornography), I could safely explore my attraction to other men. Masturbation was my sanctuary. It took me nearly 31 years before I fully came to terms with my homosexuality. Like many gay men, rather than accept reality, I chose to conceal my attraction to men and I eventually married a woman. While I could perform sexually with her, the only way for me to complete the act was to fantasize about men. The marriage lasted 8 years — longer than most, considering. The success we did have was partly due to the fact that my wife and I were such good friends to start with. And although the friendship survived, the marriage could not.

I am pleased to say that I am now a happy and well-adjusted gay man. I've been in a relationship with a wonderful man for over 5 years now. While sex has dramatically improved, masturbation is still a vital part of my life. Prior to coming out, masturbation was an escape. That is no longer true — it's something that I not only enjoy myself but can share with the man I love.

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