Sunday, May 31, 2009

My mom knew I'd like this one...

My mom and I had a lovely conversation via the telephone the other day and she said something about a blog that she loves almost as much as mine. Don't be fooled...it is actually way better than my blog will ever be, but she birthed me and has to love me more (it's a law, I think).

It's a complete rip off of the blog Stuff White People Like (which I believe is mentioned in post #1 of this guy's blog) called Stufff Christians Like (yes, 3 f's). I'm not going to lie...I've been spending way too much time catching up on his blogs (when I really should have been doing actual work). If you spent your childhood in church and have some time to waste, you will definitely appreciate this blog. I would suggest starting at #1. It makes more sense that way.

If you have no desire to discover the site yourself, here are some of my faves....

#104. Putting God in the liner notes.When I was in college in Birmingham, I used to attend a church called Brook Hills. One Monday in the lunch room I noticed a kid that had sung a great song at church. I approached him by the cereal and said, "That was a really good song you sang yesterday, did you write it?" He looked at me with unexpected disdain and replied, "No, God did." And then he walked away.

I felt like such a heathen. At that point in my life I felt like God had gone silent. I wasn't getting any word from him. He wasn't even sending me fortune cookie length messages and this guy was co-writing songs with him? I couldn't get God to send me a postcard with, "wish you were here" on it and he was having a Hall and Oates moment with the Alpha and Omega. I felt hopeless.

But now, I realize that sometimes we put God in the liner notes of albums I don't think he had anything to do with. I know that in some sense, God is infused in everything in the world and as a Christian he should be woven in to every part of your day, but this kid's song was not that good. I mean, I've seen God's work. He made the Grand Canyon and the platypus, when he gets creative, he really gets creative. But sometimes, in a variation of throwing the God Card, we thank God for things I think he'd just as soon say, "whoa, whoa, whoa, that chorus is weak and don't even get me started on that bridge. Leave my name off that song champ."

#154. Breaking up after a retreat.Next to unpacking, dumping your boyfriend or girlfriend is our favorite thing to do after a church retreat. We can't help it. The retreat speaker always tells us on Saturday night, "If there's anything you need to lay down before the cross tonight, to give up to God, come down and do it. Don't wait, this is your chance." And you are the first thing we think of. So we decide with our retreat friends that we are going to do it. This relationship is over. And then on Sunday afternoon when we get back, we call you and have the following conversation:

Girl:"The retreat was good, it gave me a lot to think about."

Guy:"Really? Like what?"

Girl:"Well, I think you and I have grown apart."

Guy:"You've been gone for 44 hours and were 119 miles away, what do you mean?"

Girl:"God just really laid it on my heart that I should focus on him and not this relationship."

Guy:"God told you to dump me?"

And so forth. The moral of this story is that if your girlfriend or boyfriend is going on a retreat, you better go too. Unless it's an all girl's retreat. And mission trips are even worse. Your girlfriend is going to start seeing Mark, that awkward but kind of cute guy, in a whole new light during that mission trip. It's a light called, "Look at Mark feed hungry children in Africa while my boyfriend plays Xbox back in Ohio."

Don't say I didn't warn you.

#119. Saying "In Christian Love" before you punch someone.There's a subtle difference between "in christian love" and "bless her heart." When you say bless her heart, you're gossiping about someone behind their back but soften it a little with this phrase. In christian love is what you say when you want to tell someone they're horrible but you want it to feel like encouragement. Here's how it works:

"Jon, can I talk to you? I hope you can hear this in christian love, because that is how I intend it, from one friend to another, but I have to tell you, you suck. I felt convicted to tell you this so that you can grow in your not sucking."

It's a pretty versatile phrase though. This is what an 80-year old lady said to my friend who is single the other day:

"Sweetie, you need to get out and date. Do you think God wants you to be celibate for the rest of your life? I'm only asking in Christian love."

I love it, it's like this get out of jail free card we use every now and then to do what we want but still maintain a bit of Christian veneer.

#192. Using "love on" as a verb.I really like this phrase. If this phrase was a girl I met in college I would ask her out after chapel, take her to Outback for a blooming onion and reasonably-priced steak dinner, and then go to a movie. Which in college was considered a 5-star date.

But in all seriousness, this is probably my favorite Christian phrase. Here's an example of how to use it: "Mark is going through some tough times right now, we really need to love on him."

See how tender and compassionate that sounds? It's lovely, but it can be a bit confusing. In the last decade, several other similar phrases have popped up. So, as a public service, I thought I would point out the difference between the "on phrases."

1. Eat onSometimes before a meal, someone will say, "I'm going to get my eat on." This usually means you are going to a Chinese buffet, often titled something like "Super Buffet." Remember not to waste your time on things like salad and bread. Skip those altogether and focused on anything fried.

2. Drink onSometimes before a big boozefest, someone will say, "I'm going to get my drink on tonight." This event usually involves malt liquor and making out with someone you would not usually make out with. I sincerely recommend that you do not in fact "get your drink on." SCL does not support bad making out in any situation.

3. Freak onSometimes before going dancing, someone will say, "I'm going to get my freak on tonight at the club." Nelly Furtado and Missy Elliot did a song called "Get ya freak on" so maybe the phrase picked up steam there. I think if more Christian marriages employed this phrase we'd have less divorce. Just a theory.

I could write and write and write, but my friend is going through some tough times and I need to go love on him. (See how awesome that phrase is?)