I was perusing my favorite blogs the other day when I came upon one that I couldn’t believe. Now, I am not one to judge quickly (except if you are not a “true” believer or you are emergent or not elect), but I had to take another look at this one. The Pyro guys (awesome) had a post that talked about the two different times that Jesus turned over the moneychanger tables in the temple. Of course there were two different times! In John’s gospel it happens in chapter 2 and in Matthew’s gospel it happens in chapter 21. How can it be the same event if they happen 19 chapters apart? Not only that, but in John Jesus says, “Get these things out of here. Don’t turn my Father’s house into a marketplace.” But in Matthew it says, “The Scriptures declare, ‘My Temple will be called a place of prayer,’ but you have turned it into a den of thieves!”

So you can see there are two different accounts of a different event. Forget that most scholars believe this is the same event in two different accounts. If you look at the scriptures, really “look”, then you have to see they are two different events. As one commenter on Pyro said:

“I knew they were at chronologically different points in the Synoptics (Matthew, Mark, and Luke) and John (end and beginning of Christ’s earthly public ministry respectively), but I accepted the hypothesis that they were different versions of the same event.

That, I realize now, is making a mockery of the Holy Spirit in His inspirational working through the Evangelists; and/or accusing either the Synoptic authors or John of pious fraud.”

Well said commenter. How dare you think these are two different accounts of the same event? Now that Pyro has pointed this out to you, don’t you dare think that the Bible is Not Inerrant! This should prove it!

Now my real beef with the Pyro guys (Awesome) is that they use a commentary by D. A. Carson. Even though he gets this passage right (the John 2 passage), he is so wrong on so many other things. Just take a look at this:

“As a consulting editor of the New Bible Commentary, D.A. Carson is responsible for the following attempt to undermine the historicity of the Genesis account of creation:

“Most of these stories [in Genesis 1-11] deal with periods long before writing was invented, so they cannot be ‘history’ in the strict sense of the term or be verified by evidence from outside the Bible. … T. Jacobsen has coined the term ‘mytho-historical’ to describe such literature … ‘Myth’ has negative overtones, so ‘proto-history’ is probably a better way to describe Genesis 1-11. In the present state of knowledge it is difficult to know how to relate these chapters to modern scientific discovery. … In that these are days of God’s activity not human work, it is unlikely that they are supposed to last twenty-four hours” (New Bible Commentary, Intervarsity Press, 1994, consulting editors D.A. Carson, R.T. France, J.A. Motyer, G.J. Wenham).”

Pyro guys, Please pick you commentators for their entire works and not just for something that agrees with your point. We don’t want to start looking like those emergent guys. I know that you are great Fundamentalists (awesome) and you have TRUTH on your side, but you have to do your research a little better. The Bible is inerrant and we don’t need anyone questioning our TRUTH with facts. Stop using D.A. Carson! He is not Fundamentalist enough. Actually, I am now beginning to question whether he is really saved like me!

The good people over at CRN have done it again!Just when I thought they had exhausted their sizable reach, they turn up yet another article about Brian McLaren (heretic).How do they do it?Their staff must consist of literally tens of people searching through news journals, newspapers and the internet to find stories that mean something to me.Well done CRN!

Now on to the article.If you take the time to read it, and I mean with the discernmentalist eye, you will find heretical remarks all through Brian McLaren’s (heretic) comments.First he says that Jesus would use a Blackberry?Are you kidding me?Jesus is God and God doesn’t need a puny electronic device to remember what he is going to do.So Brian McLaren (heretic) is mocking our Lord.Also, he says that Jesus would be concerned with the planet and homeless people.As John MacArthur points out,

“That salt and light are not moral influence, but gospel witness and the power of holy living. They always say well, we have to be salt and light, we have to be salt and light, have to be salt and light. Well, the imagery of Jesus in the sermon on the mount with regard to salt and light is the image of the shining forth of truth. That’s the light. And the preservative of godly living. We are light when we proclaim the light, and manifest our good works. That’s what He says. And glorify our Father who is in heaven. And we are salt when we are a preservative, because of the virtue and the godliness of our lives.”

In Other words Jesus didn’t come to change the world or to worry about the homeless (paraphrase is mine).So how can Brian McLaren (heretic) sit there and tell us to take care of the homeless.Not only that, but he contradicts his whole emerging thought process by saying he wouldn’t give someone money, just talk to him and love him.I thought you cared for the homeless Brian!

I will wrap this up with my views.It is up to Ken Silva to keep this heretic’s schedule in the forefront of our minds.I personally don’t want to go to a bookstore and run into him.That would make me feel dirty.And all you who know the TRUTH know that Brian McLaren (heretic) is a heretic and so he is not allowed to say anything about Jesus.As CRN rightly points out, “he probably doesn’t even know the Lord.”And how could you when you are more worried about the planet, the homeless, poverty, world peace and religious understanding, then pointing out other people’s sins?This is a no-brainer people!

We here at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia see a parallel with Starbucks shutting down for three hours to re-train its employees, with the emergent/seeker movement in the church.Starbucks feels like it is losing its way, while we know that the emergent church has already lost its way.Starbucks is worried about the competition of McDonald’s and Dunkin Donuts, while the emergent church is worried about being part of the post-modern culture.Starbucks started serving breakfast and accommodating everyone, while the emerging church takes in everyone,while they are still sinning.

We here will not take three hours of to re-train, since we need no re-training.God has given us everything we need in the form of inerrant scripture that has been validated by various people including Ken Silva, John MacArthur, and the pyro-guys.Paul told us to pray without ceasing and that doesn’t mean to take three hours off, like the emergent church guys would do.We will stand on the street corners and preach how everyone who hears us is a sinner, especially those who would “call” themselves Christians, for they are the worst, and we won’t take three hours off.We will work the Way of the Master formula to perfection since it is the only approved way of evangelism and is taken straight from the approved versions of the most inerrant scriptures.We will not take three hours off.We have TRUTH on our side and so we can’t lose.Let those emergent “churches” take time off to train and learn new things, let them do new sermon series, let them have Starbucks coffee in their church, and let God rain down his fire to those wolves in sheep’s clothing.I don’t want to be anywhere around when God’s wrath comes down on those sinners, who think they are fine because they love everyone and follow Christ’s example, in the form of fire and sulfur.Many churches will be in flames on that day and pillars of salt will litter the landscape as these “Christians” look back on their homosexually loving churches.

We will not take three hours off because God shines his light on the defenders of his TRUTH, which could be compromised if we take three hours off.

Dude! This is a satire site!

Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.