Eh, it's alright. My main problems are with Gumshoe suddenly being a waiter and Maya suddenly acting even more like a child than in the games.

Author:

Pessimistic_Fool [ Mon Oct 01, 2018 11:43 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Phosphate was so kind as to offer one of their own fics to me so I can have something to present here after my long break. Note: The following disclaimer was either added later, or I did simply not see it at the time.

Quote:

Disclaimer : I do not endorse the actions of anyone in this fic. Especially not PW. Asking out someone at work is Not Good.

TODAY'S SPORK: Yes, indeed, Ace Attorney has a coffee shop AU. Or at least the trailer.

Rating: It's not too bad, but it does have a few flaws here and there.

Our sporker today is:-Maya FeyMaya: Alone? Nobody else?

Not today. It's only a short fic.

Maya: Aw...well, I hope it's a good one.

(Our theater doors open to a room too big and too empty for just a single person. With a slight eyeroll towards the security guarding the doors, our sporker wanders in and takes a seat.)

Quote:

Title: Phoenix Wright: Ace BaristaBy: PhosphorousLawYour name is Phoenix Wright and trying to get coffee has never been harder than today.

Maya: One of those second-person fics. Sure, I'm in the mood for some roleplaying.

Quote:

Because today, the cute barista you had been eyeing each time you came in is the one serving you coffee. Normally, an old guy named Winston is your barista, but this cute one doesn’t know your order. And you can’t help yourself.

“Medium coffee with cream and 7 sugars. And your number.”

Maya: *snerks* If that's how Nick flirts, it's no wonder he's still single. But, um... *thinks* ...he probably shouldn't flirt with the barista on duty, anyway. It kinda puts him in an awkward position. I mean, I know Nick won't cause a scene if he rejects him, but the barista doesn't know that. And he doesn't know he'd still get tipped. And his boss might not allow him to stand up against a customer if they did cause a scene. Hmm...suddenly, it doesn't feel so funny anymore.

Quote:

His face doesn’t move at all in response. He just holds a resting grumpy face that you find oh so pretty. “Yes, sir. And no, absolutely not.” He leaves to bustle behind the counter, making your coffee and you notice as he goes that he has a great tush too.

Maya: Okay, Sis would whack him over the head right now if she saw him ogling someone's butt like that. Especially after they already said they aren't interested.

Quote:

Next to you, someone orders from Winston, who smiles and taps his glasses as he takes it. When the cute barista comes back, you notice his only his last name is on his badge.

Maya: You know, he does always have a hard time getting the names of his witnesses, doesn't he? You'd think he'd have a few tricks to get around that by now.

Quote:

You yelp and jump, knocking into a different barista, a blonde one, delivering a drink to a customer, knocking the drink into the air. You lunge to grab it, but it doesn’t come down. The barista who was carrying it swirls it over your head, speaking to Edgeworth. “Bullying another customer, Herr Edgeworth?”

Edgeworth grunts and bustles behind the counter again. You pick yourself up and dust off, embarrassed. Everyone must’ve seen you make a fool of yourself.

¥¥¥

Maya: Did the fic just pay for my coffee? ...No, wait, it's just three yen. That's not even enough for a sugar cube.

Quote:

Your name is Miles Edgeworth

Maya: Huh? But I thought my name was Phoenix Wright! Am I having an identity crisis?

Quote:

not that you’re going to tell the admittedly cute but infuriatingly flirty customer that. Getting chastised by Klavier of all people isn’t helping your stormcloud of a mood. He’s almost worse at customer service than you are, what with his flirting and his German. Somehow he swings it, unlike your brooding nature.

The customer, who still hasn’t told you his name, stands up from a lunge to grab spilled coffee, smiling sheepishly. “My name’s Phoenix. P-H-O-E-N-I-X.”

You pointedly ignore the spelling and write ‘Feenie’ on the cup. You hand it to him and that’s almost the end of it, but he looks almost like a kicked puppy, and you’ve always been partial to dogs.

Maya: Hey kids! When your embarrassing attempts at flirting don't get you anywhere, become a furry!

Quote:

“My name’s Miles.” Your hands touch as he grabs the cup and he blushes. You watch him as he leaves, practically running, but leaping occasionally to give a whoop. He’s going to spill his coffee that way, but you have a feeling he’s not going to mind.

¥¥¥

Maya: Well, at least the fic tries to pay for that coffee, because Nick sure as hell didn't.

Quote:

A few days later…

You’ve been seeing him around the coffee shop, but Winston’s gone back to being your regular. Miles. What a pretty name. When you arrived today though, he’s there, typical scowl on his face. “Medium coffee, with cream and seven sugars,” you recite, grinning at him.

Some time passes, but when he calls ‘Feenie’, you know it’s you and go to the counter. You bring your game this time and make a show of checking all your pockets and your briefcase before saying “Shoot, I lost my number! Can I have yours?”

Maya: *cringes slightly* Ugh. That line is older and cheesier than that disgusting piece of camembert in the fridge!

Quote:

He returns with stony silence. But eventually, he grabs the pen back and writes his number on your cup. You are momentarily close as he passes it to you and he says “Tell no one.” And that’s the first time you see Edgeworth smile, even if if is a sort of smirk.

Maya: ... ... ...Wait, is that the end of the fic? Where's the rest?

Speakers: We believe the rest is supposed to happen in your imagination.

Maya: That's bad writing! You can't just make your readers tell the rest of the fic for you. Just imagine if fan artists were like that: "Here's the head, now go draw the rest yourself". That's called a tease. You're a tease!

Speakers: Are you seriously demanding a longer fanfic?

Maya: Um...yes? I think? Is the snack bar still open?

(And so, with a deep sigh from our management, ends one fic, hopefully soon to be followed by another...)

Author:

Southern Corn [ Mon Oct 01, 2018 1:22 pm ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

This one was pretty short to read, admittedly :p You surprisingly pulled off one sporker really well but I still do think that even having one other person there would've made it feel less empty- the sporking kind of feels more like awkward soliloquy than a flowing conversation, though it's still done pretty well. Also, it's 'smirk', not snerk, I'm pretty sure.

In regards to the fic, it's more of a one Sahwit fic for me. I was mostly confused because I thought Edgeworth was supposed to be a woman at first due to the ambiguous wording but yeah. Misleading title as well, Phoenix isn't even a barista in the fic. But yeah, nice to see your grand return, Pessimistic :p

Author:

Pessimistic_Fool [ Mon Oct 01, 2018 1:48 pm ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Hey, thanks for the feedback. :)I usually do prefer having several sporkers, and will certainly go back to having a few in my next attempt. I also will try to avoid less-than-common slang words, but for what it's worth: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/snerk(I freely admit I'm not the greatest at rating fics, or anything, really. I tend to find some things more egregious than most people, and have a higher tolerance for others. So I'm afraid this part is not something I'll be able to improve on any time soon. It's best to take any numbers I may put on something with a grain of salt.)

Author:

PhosphorousLaw [ Mon Oct 01, 2018 2:03 pm ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Thanks again, Fool, for turning my trash into something enjoyable.

My second sporking! Wheee! I hope you enjoy it. If you didn’t, let me know! I’m always looking to improve! This is the first part of a series because I’m going to start linking my sporkings together. Expect the next one some time in November!

The Management Saga: Sporking the First

In which The Management is even more sinister than we thought, Edgeworth has a surprisingly good memory, and Kay is great at her job.

Title: Is Edgeworth Gay?: The Trial by TheJadeGrenade

Rating: It’s not nearly as clever or funny as it thinks it is.

Without any further ado, the management presents...

Kay Faraday!Even on the darkest day, when other birds just fly away, one alone soars to shine the light of silliness on the theater’s blight! And that bird is me! For I am the Great Sporker, Yatagarasu!

Phoenix Wright!What can I say that hasn’t been said?

Miles Edgeworth!I feel as though there’s something rather important I’m forgetting…

[Fade in on the sporking theater, where Kay Faraday is shoving countless packets of Swiss rolls into her bag]

Speakers: Oi! Leave some for me!

Kay: Why’d you put out my favorite snack if you didn’t want me to steal it?

Speakers: Because I thought you could be cool about it for the time it took for us to teleport in Wright and Edgeworth!

Kay: Mr. Edgeworth’s coming?

Speakers: He should be here in 3 lines.

Kay: I thought you people had a rule against breaking the fourth wall, no matter who does it!

Speakers: I’m the management, the rules don’t apply to me. Besides, the rules won’t be as strictly enforced this Sporking

SummaryEveryone's stands are mixed up? Phoenix Wright is a witness now, but isn't guilty? They're actually going to use Courtroom 8? Does Miles Edgeworth is gay?And to think, the judge let them do this trial...

Phoenix: Not all the witnesses are guilty! (Just most of them.)

Kay: Lazy use of a meme there, author.

Edgeworth: I doubt His Honor would in fact, actually allow it, being gay isn’t a crime. Not in this country at least. In any case, what evidence could there be other than… (Stop there, Miles, you’ve backed yourself into a corner.)

Kay: Other than what?

Phoenix: I think that pause means you’re too young to know.

Kay: I’m 17 last time I checked!

Phoenix: (...Last time you checked?!)

Quote:

Notesinspired by a daydream and attorney online improv cases

Edgeworth: Of course, a daydream is a perfect basis for a story. It isn’t as if these things need planning and research.

Speakers: Not even your games are researched, why do you expect derivatives to be?

Edgeworth: Because I appreciate quality, unlike you people.

Speakers: *brightly* You wound me, Edgeworth!

Edgeworth: Good.

Quote:

this trial was planned

Kay: Was it really? You just said it was based on a daydream!

Quote:

This hadn't happened before.The courtroom was left open, but Mr. Your Honor Judge was in there, for whatever reason. There wasn't a planned trial, not too much anyone's knowing.

Kay: I can’t understand what that last sentence is trying to say.

Edgeworth: I believe it is attempting, however haphazardly, to say that not many people knew about this trial.

Phoenix: Is it just me, or is the management a little more hands-on today?

Kay: *frowning, crossed arms* It is not just you, Wright.

Edgeworth: Kay, return me my line.

Kay: Here ya go!

Edgeworth: Thank you.

Phoenix: (...I will never get used to the two of them.)

Quote:

Until a few people came in.First in were Sebastian Debeste and Kay Faraday. Of course, they sat where they did normally.

Kay: The courtroom has seats?! Behind the prosecution bench?!

Quote:

Then entered Apollo Justice and Trucy Wright. And then.. Apollo stood on the prosecution side? What?

Edgeworth: “What?” indeed, he certainly is not qualified to be a prosecutor.

Phoenix: You weren’t qualified to be a defense attorney either, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: That was a special circumstance! Not some mockery of an unplanned trial!

Phoenix: So would you say this fic is a “mock” trial?

All but Phoenix: *groaning*

Phoenix: (I thought that one was okay!)

Quote:

So there they were, just waiting for the defense...Franziska von Karma entered the courtroom and was now on the defense side.And then Dick Gumshoe was also on the defense side. What was even happening?

Phoenix: This fic just went from barely plausible to impossible.

Edgeworth: Agreed, Franziska would never defend anyone, not even myself, as of course, I am the defendant here.

Quote:

And so entered the defendant, Miles Edgeworth. He didn't know what was going on. "What is going on here? What could I have been accused of?"Everyone stared at him in silence.

Phoenix: Oh the suspense.

Edgeworth: (I’m getting a sense of deja vu…)

Quote:

The judge ended it. "You have been accused of being gay."

Edgeworth: Which, again, is not a crime! It has not been a crime in this country since 2003, at the very latest!

Phoenix: How do you just know that off of the top of your head?

Edgeworth: I actually studied my law books, instead of allowing them to intimidate me.

Quote:

Edgeworth pulled back in shock. "What? That is... Why would you need a trial about it?" "So everyone can finally know the answer... Does Miles Edgeworth is gay?"

Kay: This rumor is really much talked by people even by a person of his fans!

Edgeworth: Kay, please don’t. I’m already developing a migraine from the sheer inanity of this fic, do not add to it.

Kay: Sorry, Mr. Edgeworth.

Quote:

How could anyone even ask that?Well, the author did. This is going to be a long session of bad writing.

Kay: Have some pride, author! Admitting to bad writing is a surefire way to be a bad writer!

[The lights come up, surprising our sporkers]

Phoenix: Is it done already?

Speakers: Nope, this is just a small reprieve. One of several, in fact.

Kay: Does that mean I can go to the snack bar? They were still Swiss Rolls left!

Speakers: Go ahead, Faraday.

[Kay does so, leaving Phoenix and Edgeworth alone]

Phoenix: So if this trial is supposed to find out whether you’re gay or not, why is Franziska on the defense team?

Edgeworth: I don’t know, Wright, and I dislike your insinuation.

Phoenix: I know you’re not gay, but I’m pretty darn sure fic-you is. Otherwise, it’d be a pretty boring end to the fic.

Edgeworth: Thank you for not associating me with the fans’ assumptions. I will say, it is odd that Kay appears to know something Franziska doesn’t, judging by her position on the prosecution side.

[Kay returns]

Kay: Did I miss anything?

Edgeworth, Phoenix: No.

[The lights darken]

Spoiler:

Speakers: Part 2, go!

Quote:

Trial Start!

Edgeworth: Oh how I wish it wouldn’t.

Quote:

Chapter SummaryAnd the trial of Miles Edgeworth's gayness begins... with an interesting witness.

Phoenix: It’s me, isn’t it? It has to be me. It was talked about in the summary, there’s no use hiding it now!

Quote:

After all the confusion had been dealt with, the trial started."Court is now in session," said Judge.

Edgeworth: The Judge. His Honor would work as well.

Phoenix: Working double time since Franziska isn’t here?

Kay: He absolutely is!

Edgeworth: Kay!

Quote:

"Would the prosecution please give their opening statement?"Then Sebastian and Apollo... did a few rounds of rock-paper-scissors to see who would deliver it. Why wasn't the judge penalizing this?

Phoenix: I don’t know, he’s penalized me for less.

Edgeworth: Think carefully Wright, has he?

Phoenix: Look, forgetting my own name didn’t really make it easy for me to win a case!

Speakers: Y’all live really weird lives.

Edgeworth, Phoenix: (Y’all?)

Quote:

The courtroom was in awkward silence for a little until Prosecutor Debeste spoke up."...We don't have an opening statement for this, Your Honor. This was an ongoing thing, so we didn't have a time or anything like that really."

Kay: Sebastian Debeste doesn’t speak like that!

Edgeworth: Not having an opening statement makes him seem like even more of an amateur than he actually is.

Quote:

The judge seemed to expect this, so the trial went on. "Your first witness, prosecution?""The prosecution calls Phoenix Wright to the stand!" Apollo boldly shouted, although, it probably wasn't a good time for that.

Phoenix: Oh goody, what do I win for predicting something that was outlined in the summary?

Kay: A Swiss Roll? *proffers one to Phoenix*

Phoenix: *takes it* Just how many did you grab?

Kay: About two dozen. There’s none left.

Speakers: *deep sigh* That’s coming out of my paycheck…

Phoenix: (The management gets paid?)

Quote:

Phoenix Wright did go up to the stand, his spiked hair looking ever like Sonic The Hedgehog.

Phoenix: Why does everyone compare me to Sonic? We don’t look that much alike!

Kay: You kinda do, though.

Edgeworth: You are both blue and spiky, it is not a difficult leap to make.

Quote:

"Witness, your name and occupation?""Phoenix Wright, ace attorney."

All: *facepalm*

Quote:

"Did you just do a title drop?!?" everyone in the courtroom yelled in unison."Yes, yes I did."

Edgeworth: The entire courtroom yelling in unison is quite impressive.

Phoenix: Impressively damages my hearing too.

Edgeworth: You associate with Apollo Justice, I believe your hearing is as damaged as it ever will be.

Phoenix: (He isn’t exactly wrong.)

Quote:

"Ahem..." Sebastian ahemed.

Edgeworth: ‘Ahemed’ not a verb!

Kay: See, he totally is filling in for Ms. von Karma!

Quote:

"Could you please testify about Miles Edgeworth's gayness?"" ~Miles Edgeworth Is Edgy~ " displayed the title.

Kay: Objection! If anyone’s edgy around here it’s me!

Phoenix: Kay, exactly how are you edgy?

Kay: *counting off on her fingers* I’m an anti-hero, I’m a thief, I’ve got a tragic backstory, a missing father, and an arch nemesis.

Phoenix: …Are you okay?

Kay: I’m always ‘kay!

Quote:

Then "Cross Testimony" popped up. Both at once?

Edgeworth knew he may be the only sane one here, and lied his head down on the desk in front of him. This was going to be a long trial.

Edgeworth: Even then, fic-me allowing this to happen doesn’t make him sane by any means. He could just leave.

Edgeworth: You’re the management from Manfred von Karma’s Gender Adventure! You promised I would not return for your next sporking!

Speakers: What the hell?! It’s been almost 10 years for you!

Edgeworth: *smug* I don’t forget promises made to me so easily. *finger point* In fact, you said that no one from that sporking would return, but yet here I am! *close up, speed lines* THE ONLY ONE YOU ACTUALLY PROMISED TO SPARE!

Speakers: Gah! *enormous penalty noise*

Phoenix: … Did the management just receive a penalty?

[While the sporkers process that information, the next segment of the fic starts.]

Spoiler:

Quote:

You Have The Wright To Remain Silent

All but Phoenix: *groaning*

Quote:

Chapter SummaryEdgy can't chill.

Edgeworth: That’s not my name.

Speakers: …

Kay: Are you okay, management? Do you need a continue button?

Speakers: My Integrity Bar… almost gone.

Phoenix: Kay, I think we should leave them alone for now.

Quote:

So, the cross testimony began.

"I've known Miles since we were in grade school. He defended me that one time and we became friends, but he was clearly a tsundere toward me," Phoenix said rather calmly.

Edgeworth: Fic-you seems to think we are closer than we actually are.

Phoenix: What’s a tsundere? It sounds familiar, but I can’t remember what it means.

Edgeworth: It’s—

Kay: —It’s when someone’s hot and cold with a romantic partner! Like when you compliment them, they’re sweet and flustered, but when you just talk to them, they insult you.

Phoenix: ...So nothing like Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Exactly.

Quote:

"HOLD IT!" said Edgeworth from the defendant's stand. "Wh-what makes you said that, baka?"

Edgeworth: I have never spoken like that, and that is an improper use of the word ‘baka’. Either speak entirely English or entirely Japanese, don’t mix them unless you’re sure your audience knows both languages or you provide a translation.

Phoenix: Baka means idiot, right?

Edgeworth: That is how it is usually translated, but it technically means fool.

Kay: Both in fic and out of it, Mr. Edgeworth’s becoming more like Ms. von Karma all the time!

Quote:

"My point stands. He's still a tsundere for me.""And where is your proof?""Two words. Unnecessary. Feelings."Edgeworth looked as if he was about to yell something objectionish, but then Judge Judge slammed his gavel.

Edgeworth: Defendants aren’t supposed to object, that is the job of the defense team. And that defense team seems to be doing a poor job of it, judging by their lack of action any time before now.

Phoenix: I can see why the prosecution called fic-me up first, by the logic of the fic, I’m a pretty decisive witness.

Kay: Judge Judge, I’m Moon Moon, nice to meet you!

Quote:

"Order in the court! You are not prosecuting this case, Mr. Edgeworth, you have the right to remain silent!"

Then Miles did that one sad looking side look thing, and Phoenix said, "Don't you mean the WRIGHT to remain silent, Your Honor?"

Phoenix: I don’t try to make puns out of everything that could reasonably contain my name! Especially not during a trial.

Edgeworth: Of course this fic suddenly decides it’s on first-name terms with me, right before a horrible pun.

Quote:

"That pun was unneeded, Mr. Wright. Now please, continue your testimony.""Also, the fact that he isn't stopping me from calling him Miles still stands. Also, he's fanboyed at me about Steel Samurai, and his ships..."

Edgeworth: I-I have never ‘fanboyed’ in my life! And what about my ships? Not that I have any. *small penalty*

Kay: *munches a Swiss Roll* You really seemed to enjoy the stage show. Of course, it wasn’t as awesome as the Jammin’ Ninja’s!

Phoenix: (They didn’t cancel that show when Juan Corrida died?)

Quote:

"Objection!" called out Franz. "How does shipping make you gay?"

Edgeworth: Finally, the defense team is doing their job. At least, I believe that’s the defense team. It appears not to be Franziska, but some man named ‘Franz’.

Kay: In a bad Franziska cosplay.

Phoenix: …Is his whip made of licorice?

Quote:

"HE SHIPS VERY GAY SHIPS!'"BUT FANGIRLS DO THAT ALL THE TIME!"

Kay: Objection! Mr. Edgeworth is not a fangirl, therefore your point is invalid, Franz!

Edgeworth: Whose side are you on, Kay?

Kay: The side of truth, Mr. Edgeworth! The side of truth!

Phoenix: I’m on the side of this fic not using any more caps lock.

Quote:

The Judge had to slam his gavel again."Order! If I knew this would have gotten this intense over Edgeworth's gayness, I would have never agreed to this... This is worse than Turnabout Big Top!""was that case even bad?" called out some reader.

Phoenix: “Team Magic-Hair-That-Can-Move-On-Its-Own”? He means him and Apollo, right?

Edgeworth: I believe so. Possibly also Kay, since she’s also on the prosecution side.

Kay: I haven’t talked at all yet, what’s up with that?

Phoenix: Maybe the author forgot you were there?

Edgeworth: Perhaps you escaped like you sometimes do from this theater?

Kay: I wish I could do that now, but I can’t abandon you guys!

Edgeworth: … Thank you, Kay.

Quote:

"But nobody's ever used that courtroom in a long time! What if-"Sebastian pointed with his baton and they all moved there, while the Judge facepalmed and decided that it was futile to resist. This was going to be a long day.

Edgeworth: It already has been a long day.

Speakers: *muffled noises and a scream*

[Lights up once more]

Speakers: The Management would like to inform the sporkers that there is only one chapter left.

Phoenix: (Suddenly, all the joy is gone from their voice.)

Kay: Are you sure you’re okay, management?

Speakers: Yes, The Management was simply reminded that impartiality and integrity are our watchwords. We are truly The Management now. Here is the last chapter.

[With Kay looking concerned, the last portion of the fic starts]

Spoiler:

Quote:

The Commercial Break

Kay: This fic brought to you by… The Sporking Theater! For all your torture needs!

Speakers: …

Kay: They didn’t even get offended… I think you broke the Management, Mr. Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Normally, I would express no sympathy, but this Management is generally much more well-meaning than others. Though they did break a promise, they do not deserve to be stripped of their identity.

Speakers: Identity? We are The Management.

All: …

Phoenix: (I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared of the Management. A personality, gone, just like that.)

Quote:

Chapter SummaryThe lobbies are wayyyy too crowded now.

The doors of Courtroom 8 burst open with the intensity of that one thing Franz does sometimes... And there's a trial. Everyone awkwardly walks out.

Phoenix: Wait, so there was a trial going on? Couldn’t they tell by the guards posted to the doors of the lobbies?

Quote:

"Well, if we can't have the trial, what can we do?" said the apple juice.

Kay: Whoa, where’d that apple juice come from?

Phoenix: (It looks like a muppet.)

Edgeworth: It’s likely supposed to be Apollo Justice, but I appreciate this version far more.

Quote:

Everyone sat there in silence."HOLD IT!"Everyone turned around to see Edgeworth (who didn't have handcuffs, because being gay is not a crime) pointing at... Something.

Edgeworth: Even the fic knows it’s not a crime! Then why even—? *takes a deep breath and releases it* It’s pointless to question it.

Quote:

"Why did we even have this trial? I'll tell you when I'm ready!""Wait... So... You are gay?" said Debeste at realizing things from statements.

Phoenix: “At realizing things from statements”? What kind of descriptor is that?

Edgeworth: An unclear and unintelligent one.

Quote:

Then the camera did the thing where it looked around at everyone's shocked faces.

Edgeworth: How very meta.

Quote:

Sebastian got his baton and pointed and Edgelord. "MILES EDGEWORTH DOES IS GAY!"

Kay: And Edgelord what? I’m suddenly very invested in this Edgelord!

Quote:

Kay started playing Announce The Truth 2002 because that version is Debeste, but it was just an opinion, so then Trucy changed it to whatever Announce The Truth it was for the year this trial took place in.

Kay: Look! I’m finally in this thing!

Edgeworth: Only playing a song that is quickly changed by Trucy.

Kay: Well, at least I’m in it.

Quote:

Edgeworth pulled back in shock as he always did. "That..." "Is correct?"Edgeworth sighed and said, "I was going to better prepare myself to tell some of you, but then you had to go and have this trial!""Some?""I've already told a few people...""Which is why I was defending him!" Franziska exclaimed. "Why did you even get involved in this trial?" Edge asked."So you wouldn't go and reveal whatever you foolishly decided to keep from everyone so long that they would have a trial! It was foolish, but I have to respect that you want to keep it from people..."

Edgeworth: This makes no sense whatsoever. If she thought it was foolish, then why did she respect my decision?

Quote:

And so the trialish thing came to an end, and everyone got burgers. ~Fin~

Edgeworth: What an unceremonious ending.

Quote:

Bonus:"Please let this be a normal trial..." "With these attorneys?""No way!""Ngooooh!"

Cruising through the courtroom, you're relaxed and feeling good, next thing that you know your seeing"Objection"An updated autopsy report?

Phoenix: Edgeworth as Arnold? Really?

Kay: I think it fits, he’s usually the sane one.

Phoenix: Kay, Arnold’s a quivering mess. Nothing at all like Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: But at least Arnold has the right idea, being against what trips the Magic School Bus takes, it’s child endangerment.

Kay: No one ever actually gets hurt, though.

Phoenix: They’re usually transformed into something without their consent, which I think counts. Right, Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: Correct, though transformation is not a likely occurrence in the real world, a judge would be hard pressed to find Ms. Frizzle not guilty.

Speakers: The Management would like to inform the sporkers that this tangent has gone on too long.

Kay: Don’t blame us, blame the fic!

Quote:

Chapter End NotesSo that was a crackly thing of... Crack. Hope you enjoyed. I would've implied some other ships, but I let my mind lead and it led me here.

Edgeworth: You’ve implied more than enough ships, author.

Kay: One is more than enough?

Edgeworth: When it concerns Wright and me, yes.

[The lights come up one final time for this fic. The sporkers get ready to leave.]

Kay: Do you think this management might turn back to normal?

Edgeworth: I haven’t the faintest idea whether they will, Kay. But I hope, for our sake and theirs, that they do.

Speakers: The Management would like to inform the Sporkers thatHelp me!speculation about the workings of the Sporking Theater is strictly *like a robot malfunctioning* pro-pro-pro-pro- *flatly* not allowed.

Phoenix: I don’t like the sound of that…

[Phoenix pulls Edgeworth to the teleporter, looking worried. They are swiftly teleported out.]

TODAY'S SPORK: We're seeing double...or triple...or...eight...ple. Um. Anyway: I found this fic because of its interesting title, and it turned out to be written by Airey.

Rating: Three salted Sahwits. I really like the idea to this story, but the execution seems rushed. Or maybe it was meant to be a parody? Hard to tell.

Our sporkers today are:-Miles EdgeworthEdgeworth: Do we really still need these introductions?

-Franziska von KarmaFranziska: This theater is still in operation? I am...well, not impressed, but surprised.

-Kay FaradayKay: Yep. Hey, Management! You need to refill that snack bar! And stop stocking up on that stevia soda. Nobody wants to drink that stuff.

Spoiler:

(The doors open and our sporkers take their seats, in the front row this time. The lights turn off and the title screen comes up.)

Quote:

An Abundance of EdgeworthsBy: "Sith Droideka"

Edgeworth: ...And what are those suspicious quotation marks trying to tell us?

Quote:

By: [Management]

Edgeworth: !

Franziska: *already losing her patience* What's this? Are you trying to get us to proofread your own mindless scribble now?

Quote:

By: [A different member of the Management]

Franziska: That excuses nothing! If you stopped wasting precious time on this nonsense and actually made something of your life, maybe you could afford a proper beta reader.

Quote:

April 14, 6:00 PM, Miles Edgeworth's HouseThe last thing Phoenix Wright expected was to be invited, out of blue and somewhat desperately, to Edgeworth's house.Which meant, of course, that arriving there and being greeted by eight different Edgeworths hadn't even made the list.

Edgeworth: Ten seconds in, this fic has already lost me.

Quote:

"What?" Phoenix said, standing in Edgeworth's doorway with his jaw hanging open."Shut up," Edgeworth - the normal Edgeworth, Phoenix assumed, since there were only three that looked (or at least dressed) like the Edgeworth he was used to - growled, clearly at his wits' end, "just shut up and come inside before someone sees."Deciding it was best not to push his luck, Phoenix obediently stepped inside and shut the door behind them. All of the Edgeworths began talking at once. There was a short, 9-year-old Edgeworth wearing a bowtie; a roughly-teenaged-looking Edgeworth wearing the jacket that Phoenix was more used to seeing in a frame in Edgeworth's office than on a person; an Edgeworth who looked very much the same as the one who had just been telling him to shut up, except there was coldness in his eyes and predation in his movements;

Kay: I guess that one's the evil clone. Or evil experiment. Maybe it's a "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" fic? Or "The Seven Beauties and the Beast".

Franziska: Whatever he is, he'd better learn to carry himself like a civilized person before somebody locks him away in a cage and sells him to the zoo.

Quote:

there was an Edgeworth wearing a dark blue trenchcoat and scarf who looked a little depressed; there was the Edgeworth Phoenix was used to, who, as stated, was probably the most fed up with the whole situation, which was saying a lot; there was an Edgeworth who wore glasses and lines on his face and amusement in his features; a female Edgeworth who appeared to be identical to the usual Edgeworth apart from gender; and finally there was an Edgeworth who was virtually indistinguishable from normal Edgeworth and extra haughty Edgeworth except for the mischievous softness in the way he looked at Phoenix. Honestly, the last one was a little… uncomfortable….

Kay: Oh, I know what's happening here. We're in the mind of a fangirl! See, those are all your different versions from the fics and AUs she's made up. The genderbend is a dead giveaway.

Franziska: That could make sense. We all know the fic writers are obsessed with him, for whatever reason.

Edgeworth: I think they're more obsessed with watching me suffer. Are we going to hear a tragic background story for each of those alternate versions of myself?

Quote:

"Sorry, but could you all just talk one at a time?" Phoenix said, a little overwhelmed.There was a little pause before the oldest Edgeworth (hereafter referred to as Glassesworth, in Phoenix's mind) said calmly, "I suppose you must be wondering why there's eight of us."Phoenix gave him his best "no, really" look, but Glassesworth took it so much in stride that it actually irritated Phoenix. For a moment he considered the possibility that this was some elaborate joke, but normal Edgeworth wouldn't have called him over unless he were in on the joke, which was not only out of character but also unlikely considering how exhausted he looked.

Franziska: Well. Since we are here to review the Management's writing skills...

Edgeworth: (She just won't let it go.)

Franziska: ...Let me point out the flaw in your logic just now. Your proof for this situation not being a joke is that the original Miles Edgeworth would not have called if it were. However! *readies her whip* How would he know it to be a joke if he weren't in on it? *whip-crack* Why would he not call if he did know? *whip-crack* And who is to say it was him in the first place? One of the alternate versions could have easily picked up the phone and dialed Phoenix Wright's number! *whip-crack* *whip-crack* *whip-crack*

Quote:

"He said it had something to do with some magic trick your daughter was working on," little kid Edgeworth (hereafter referred to as Mini Miles, even if Phoenix hadn't called Edgeworth "Miles" at any point in his life - he just liked the alliteration) said, pointing at Glassesworth.

Edgeworth: Actually, much like anybody else, I did not always go by my last name. I don't know why this author would assume otherwise.

Kay: Maybe they thought you guys only met as lawyers. I guess some writers know more about you than others.

Quote:

"…I don't have a daughter," Phoenix said."You will," Glassesworth said, "and I said it might have something to do with it. Personally, I don't think it's very likely, but I don't see how else…""It doesn't matter how we all got here," extra-ruffly 20-ish-year-old Edgeworth (hereafter referred to as Bratworth - thanks, Mia) snapped, "what we need to do now is figure out how to get back to our own respective times and places. I don't see how he can possibly help us with that," he added with a derisive sneer at Phoenix.

Franziska: I take it he's called a brat because he interrupts and refuses to listen when others are talking. *wags her finger* If it was Phoenix Wright's daughter, then obviously a disciplinary action is in order. She may not be able to undo...whatever she did, but could well help figure out the solution.

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Ice queen Edgeworth (the Demon Prosecutor, Phoenix thought) appeared to share Bratworth's low opinion of Phoenix."What did he ever do to you?" Mini Miles said defensively."What didn't he do?" Scarfworth muttered.

Franziska: And who is this? You can't simply throw out new foolish nicknames for your foolish characters and expect your audience to foolishly follow!

Kay: It's the depressed looking one who wears winter clothes indoors. Why is he doing that, anyway? Is he sick? I think they should stay away from him, just to be safe.

Quote:

"…so," Phoenix said pointedly, "you all came from different points in time? And space, I guess. Or something." All the Edgeworths nodded. "So you-" Phoenix pointed at Mini Miles, "-are in fourth grade, right?""Yes," Mini Miles said politely."Like that was hard to figure out," Bratworth said, rolling his eyes."And you're from when you first started prosecuting," Phoenix said to Bratworth. Bratworth refused to answer, but the other Edgeworths (sans Mini Miles) all nodded.

Kay: Phhhaha! That's who he's supposed to be? I mean...okay, yeah, but...come on, he wasn't that bad. *snickers to herself*

Edgeworth: (Then why does it sound like you're agreeing with it?)

Quote:

"And you must be," Phoenix said to the Demon Prosecutor, "…the Edgeworth from, um, three years ago - before the resolution of DL-6, right?"

Edgeworth: Yes, because clearly my past self would know exactly when that was going to happen.

Franziska: I'll be generous and not deduct points for this. It could be a flaw in Phoenix Wright's thinking, rather than the author's.

Quote:

Both Bratworth and the Demon Prosecutor flinched a little at the mention of DL-6, but the other Edgeworths (again, sans Mini Miles) indicated assent."You're, uh…" Phoenix pointed at Scarfworth, slightly lost. He had never really seen Edgeworth like that before."I believe he's myself from last year," the usual Edgeworth said, pursing his lips severely. I'm probably not supposed to bring up the whole "chooses death" thing in front of Bratworth and Mini Miles, Phoenix guessed.

Franziska: Or rather, you, the author, guessed, as you were apparently talking to yourself in the middle of your fic. *whip-crack* Mark you characters' thoughts properly!

Quote:

Scarfworth muttered something in what was probably German."You're normal," Phoenix declared, pointing at his Edgeworth."Yes, thank you," said Edgeworth said sarcastically, "that's nice to know.""No, I meant, you're from this time… right? This is your house," Phoenix said lamely.

Kay: Wouldn't it technically be the house of most of them? Or at least look like it?

Edgeworth: Perhaps the author thought that I travel a lot more frequently than I do.

Quote:

"We get it," Glassesworth said with an almost imperceptible smile."Yes, I'm the Edgeworth from this time," normal Edgeworth said tiredly, "I woke up in this house this morning - and came downstairs only to find seven different versions of me arguing in my living room.""Arguing," Phoenix said flatly. He didn't doubt it, frankly, but…"Yes," Glassesworth sighed, "it seems my younger self does not at all approve of what we turn into."

Franziska: This is a minor mistake, but as there are several younger versions of him in the room, especially from the point of view of this oldest, it needs to be made clear which of them he is referring to.

Quote:

"It's not what you turned into," the Demon Prosecutor said irritably, "there's nothing at all wrong with being Chief Prosecutor." Phoenix raised his eyebrows."Rather, it's who you turned into," Bratworth said, crossing his arms, "someone soft and sentimental-""Please," Scarfworth said, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands, "do not get into this conversation again.""Why prosecutor, though?" Mini Miles was asking, "what happened to becoming a great defense attorney like Father?"

Franziska: If they are asking these questions only now, then what did they waste their time arguing about earlier? And if they are all disapproving, then the previous sentence should have been, "It seems my younger selves do not at all approve of what we turn into".

Quote:

There was another brief pause, during which Phoenix turned to Glassesworth and narrowed his eyes."I'm from the future," Glassesworth explained, "about eight or so years. It's good to see you looking so young again.""Er… sure," Phoenix said, and turned to the genderbent Edgeworth. "Now, I know you can't possibly be from the past or the future or-""Obviously," fem-Edgeworth said sardonically, and Phoenix was unsurprised to hear that she sounded a lot like Franziska,

Kay: Oh, so it's not just a genderbend, it's one of those character swap AUs. I wonder who I'd be swapped with.

Edgeworth: My best guess would be Maya.

Kay: Hmm...nah, I don't think so. Purple isn't my color.

Quote:

"although I believe apart from the fact that you and I are both men in this… time and place, everything is the same."Phoenix nodded. Edgewoman seemed pretty reasonable, and he wasn't ashamed to privately admit that she was kinda hot.

Franziska: That too seems to be a theme in fanfics.

Kay: But hey, changing the gender is new! *to Edgeworth* Now the real question is: How many of the other yous will fight her for Mr. Wright's heart?

Edgeworth: Let's not jinx it, please. One pairing per fic is more than enough.

Quote:

He mentally shook himself. I'm missing someone, he thought, and as if that was a cue, the remaining Edgeworth who had so far not said anything put a hand around Phoenix's waist. "Gah!" Phoenix yelped, jumping away from him, "who is-?""Gay Edgeworth," all of the other Edgeworths said at the same time.

Edgeworth: *facepalming ever-so-subtly* And there it is...

Kay: Are they hinting at him doing that to someone before? As in, someone in that room? Is he from a selfcest AU? And, wow...is that the author's idea of a gay man? Grabbing everything that moves?

Franziska: ... *whip-crack*

Quote:

"…oh," Phoenix said flatly, "yeah. Okay.""Problem, Wright?" Flirtworth said, and it sounded halfway between typical Edgeworth fare and straight-up purring.Phoenix turned to present-day Edgeworth. "Do you have something you need to tell me?" he asked as neutrally as possible. Modern Edgeworth made a face. Glassesworth chuckled ominously."We don't have time to talk about your sexuality issues," Bratworth said."Meanwhile, you're so repressed a technician couldn't turn you on, you robot," Edgewoman said under her breath. Phoenix snorted. Typical Edgeworth raised an eyebrow at him."He does have a point, though," Glassesworth said evenly, "we do have to figure out how to return to our proper times… and wherever you two came from," he added with a nod at Edgewoman and Flirtworth, who was standing a little too close to Phoenix.

Kay: Well, at least he's not grabbing anyone at the moment. But we're right back where we started.

Franziska: Exactly. The last few minutes were entirely unnecessary to the plot, Management! If you must fill out your story, at least make sure that the filler isn't an obvious waste of time! *whip-crack*

Quote:

"How are we supposed to do that?" Mini Miles said. He honestly sounded like he believed one of the adults might have an answer."Good question," Scarfworth said, frowning."Listen," Phoenix said, grabbing his Edgeworth's shoulder while the other Edgeworths discussed this amongst themselves, "I get that this is ridiculous, but why did you have to call me here?"

Franziska: Here you are repeating yourself again! This point has already been made! I will not explain it a second time! *whip-crack*

Quote:

Normal Edgeworth sighed deeply. "I'm at the end of my rope, Wright. I have no idea what to do.""Neither do I."Edgeworth jerked his head towards Glassesworth. "He said there was a possibility that this happened because of your daughter from the future, which makes you our only lead, really.""Really.""If you must know, it wasn't my idea.""Oh," Phoenix said, "then whose idea was…" He was interrupted, and likely answered, by Flirtworth offering him a glass of grape juice.

Edgeworth: *sighs* That is not going to help. That is really not going to help.

Kay: Maybe the plan is to summon his "alternate version" so it can work with yours?

Edgeworth: I don't see how that could possibly improve the situation.

Quote:

Glassesworth, meanwhile, was glaring at… the grape juice? Huh?"Maybe this situation will resolve itself on its own," Edgewoman was saying."Unlikely," the Demon Prosecutor said flatly."I don't see you offering any better ideas," Scarfworth said."I wonder how old future-Phoenix's daughter is?" Mini Miles wondered out loud."She was sixteen when I left," Glassesworth said. Mini Miles looked disappointed. Phoenix did the math in his head. Wait a minute…

Kay: She's from another dimension. Who knows how old he is in it? He could be twice his normal age! I mean, it's not like he's ever been there. Anything is possible.

Quote:

Another interruption in the form of another Edgeworth arrived. He looked exactly like normal Edgeworth, Flirtworth, and the Demon Prosecutor, but when he opened his mouth a string of Japanese flowed out instead of English.

Kay: -What are you gonna do, punish the fic? Besides, I'm only here because I want to.

Quote:

"There's a ninth one?!" Phoenix and current Edgeworth objected at the same time."…did we forget to mention him?" Bratworth said. He sounded almost apologetic. Almost."S-Sorry," Mini Miles said."This is Mitsurugi. Like Adelaide Edgeworth, he seems to be from some sort of alternate world," Glassesworth said. Mitsurugi bowed politely.Oh, so that's her first name, Phoenix thought, glancing at Edgewoman, it's pretty, even if I'm probably still not allowed to use it.

Franziska: This unmarked thought looks even messier with the piece of narration inbetween. You should never have to reread a sentence in order to understand it!

Edgeworth: Also, I don't see why Wright should not be allowed to use her name. After all, as is obvious from reading this fic, random nicknames are a rather insufficient way to distinguish between characters.

Quote:

"A woman version of me is a dream come true for you, isn't it, Wrightzhumikhin?" Flirtworth murmured in Phoenix's ear, which caused Phoenix to cringe away from him yet again."…what did you just call me?" Phoenix said defensively."Ignore him," normal Edgeworth said drily, "it's just a terrible pun that would fly over your head anyway."

Franziska: It truly must be terrible, because even I don't understand it. And how did the normal one hear it, if it was murmured into someone else's ear?

Quote:

Suddenly there was an earthquake.Edgeworth: ...Of course. Why have a progressing plot when you can play Fanfic Buzzword Bingo instead?

Quote:

"…huh?" Mini Miles said, looking at all the older (and alternate) versions of himself passed out of the floor, curled in fetal positions.

Kay: Where did the earthquake go? Did it only last a microsecond? All those alternates didn't even fall, they just glitched from standing around right into lying on the floor.

Franziska: Agreed. *readies whip* The narration in this fic is unpredictable! First it goes on endlessly about nothing relevant, and when something finally happens, it skips over it completely! Only the most foolish of fools could think this was an adequate way to tell a story! *whip-crack* *whip-crack* *whip-crack*

Franziska: *still looking at the now blank screen, less than impressed* ...Hmph. So that is where you choose to end your story? Very well. Here is my final opinion: The spelling and grammar are decent. However, the plot leaves something to be desired! All in all, it could be summed up as such: Phoenix Wright gets a call. He goes to Miles Edgeworth's house, finding several alternate versions of him all gathered in the room. Then an earthquake happens. The end. *readies whip* Now go back and rewrite this fic, with a proper conclusion and in cursive! I will accept nothing less!

Kay: Wow, that's a harsh punishment! Isn't the Management just going to punish you back, though?

Edgeworth: *shrugs* I wouldn't worry too much about that. They have yet to invent a punishment severe enough to contain Franziska.

(The two of them casually leave the theater, while Franziska remains for a while longer, intimidating the screen.)

Author:

PhosphorousLaw [ Wed Oct 31, 2018 1:51 pm ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Happy Halloween! Have an extra long very spooky sporking of an actual Halloween fic!

Management Sage: Sporking the Second

In which the changes made to this management are explored, Kay drops in, and Franziska refuses to cooperate

Title: Seiko KaraokeAuthor: ChloboShoka

Rating: Mostly harmless, but the constant errors started chafing on my (and Franziska’s) nerves by the end. Those earned it the third sahwit.

Franziska von Karma, the prosecuting prodigy!Twice in a row? It seems I may be a favorite.

[Fade in on the Sporking Theater lobby, where Maya is happily talking to Franziska while filling only a conservative four buckets of popcorn.]

Maya: It’s really weird seeing you unchanged like this; it’s been so long. You’re still only nineteen, right?

Franziska: You may have years on your side, but I still have my whip! *whipcrack*

Maya: Ow! Hey! It’s not my fault you haven’t been seen since Investigations!

Speakers: You get only one warning today, Fey. Breaking the fourth wall is strictly prohibited.

Maya: *shivers* They sound so emotionless!

Franziska: Hmph. I believe I have met this management before. They are familiar with you as well, so I hazard the guess: Manfred von Karma’s Gender Adventure?

Speakers: Von Karma is correct. However, we have been upgraded.

Maya: Upgraded?

Speakers: It is need-to-know information. And you, Fey, do not need to know. Also, von Karma: our deal from before still applies. Damage the theater equipment and there will be consequences.

Franziska: *curtsy-bow* Of course. Might I ask how many chapters there are?

Speakers: Three.

Maya: *offering a popcorn bucket to Franziska* I got one extra, want it?

Franziska: No.

Maya: *struggling to carry all four* Suit yourself!

[Maya leads the way into the theater, Franziska following behind her. They both take their seats, the seat between them holding Maya’s buckets.]

Spoiler: Warning! It's pretty long!

Quote:

SummaryFranziska is working on a case in Kurain's village.

Maya: I don’t know what this Kurain’s village is, but it’s definitely not my home! *munch munch*

Franziska: Additionally, village should be capitalized, as it is part of a title.

Quote:

Maya decides to help her out and they find themselves trapped in a haunted karaoke bar on the outskirts of the villlage.

Franziska: Only two ‘l’s in village, foolish author! *whipcrack*

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Unknown what is around the corner, Maya and Franziska have to sing to stay alive.

Franziska: I am beginning to suspect that English is not this author’s first language.

Maya: Yeah, the first clause doesn’t make sense no matter how you think about it.

Franziska: The years have brought with them wisdom I see. The Maya Fey from my time would have said “the first part of the sentence”, despite how foolish that sounds.

Maya: Would that Maya get whipped for her trouble?

Franziska: *pulls whip taut* Absolutely.

Quote:

Chapter 1

7:30 PMOctober 29th, 2020 Kurain Village

Maya: At least it’s trying to mimic the format of the ga-casefiles…?

Speakers: Nice save! Careful, Fey.

Franziska: 2020 places this fiction one year after my time. We shall see whether the author knows about my current activities with Interpol.

Maya: And it puts it 7 years before my point in time!

Quote:

It had been a while since Franziska had been in the Kurain village. It hadn't changed much since the last time she came here for official business. She was sure that Maya Fey, the master of the village,

Maya: I’m not master yet, buddy!

Franziska: Not even a paragraph into this fiction and already the author has made a crucial mistake.

Speakers: The fic was published soon after Spirit of Justice was released worldwide.

Franziska: So they do not even have the excuse of ignorance.

Maya: But they may not have gotten it when it was released.

Franziska: Foolish girl. Are there not summaries online? Is there not a way to find out the information you need to know? This author was merely lazy. *whipcrack*

Quote:

would be delighted if she stopped over to her house to have tea and burgers.

Maya: Tea with burgers? What kind of meal is that?

Franziska: One that it seems neither of us would indulge in. I am frankly pleasantly surprised, Maya Fey.

Maya: I may like food, but I’m not an animal who mixes formal and informal food. Why would I be delighted to see Ms. von Karma anyway?

Franziska: Why would you not be delighted? I am perfectly delightful! *whipcrack*

Maya: Ouch! I never said you weren’t!

Quote:

Maya and Franziska were both the same age, and perhaps they had a lot more in common than just their age.

Franziska: No, our age is the beginning and the end of it.

Maya: I dunno, we’re both awesome working women!

Franziska: Very true. I amend my statement. We have two things in common.

Maya: *thoughtful* Though not really our age right now, since I’m from further along in time…

Franziska: Maya Fey, cease gloating about being older than I am! *whipcrack*

Maya: Yeowch! Stop whipping me!

Franziska: Only once you stop being foolish.

Quote:

The sky was a blaring shade of navy blue, she had no time to waste.

Maya: A blaring shade of navy blue? What, was it making noise? Navy blue isn’t a blaring color.

Franziska: And what bearing does the color of the sky have on whether I have time? I always come perfectly prepared so that I will have all the time that I need.

Quote:

[Description of Naomi Nakashima from Corpse Party. Von Karma is looking for her for some reason.]

Maya: Well, that’s random.

Franziska: What does this Naomi Nakashima have to do with me?

Speakers: Nothing.

Franziska: Then why am I searching for her? It is the police force’s job to hunt down criminals, not the job of prosecutors! *whipcrack*

Speakers: Nakashima is not a criminal. Apparently, she is an escaped mental patient.

Franziska: I am beginning to understand my little brother’s response to this theater. The foolishness of this fiction knows no bounds.

Quote:

"Hey Franziska!"

Franziska: *wags finger* Foolish author, I have not given Maya Fey permission to call me by my first name.

Maya: Hey, Ms. von Karma, can I call you by your first-

Franziska: No.

Maya: Aw… But you let me call you it before!

Franziska: I was distracted by the foolish tomfoolery of Larry Butz. I did not ‘let you’ I simply didn’t have time to reprimand you.

Maya: Double aw...

Franziska: There should also be a comma between “hey” and “Franziska”.

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It was a woman's voice. She didn't need to turnaround to know who it was, but she turned around anyway.

Franziska: Turn around. Two words, not one.

Quote:

It was the soft and energetic voice of Maya Fey. She appeared to have matured, but at the same time, she was the same old Maya that she knew from before.

Maya: *puffs cheeks in annoyance* Nick said the same thing! I can’t tell if it’s a compliment or an insult!

Quote:

Franziska could never forget the way her black hair was tied up in a bun on top of her head and vertical pigtails around her head.

Franziska: The second clarification of “around her head” is unnecessary.

Maya: And they’re not pigtails!

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Her smile was warm and welcoming, even though she would always be a child at heart.

Franziska: This sentence makes no sense. What bearing does Maya Fey being a child at heart have on her smile?

Maya: Ooh! Let me try rewriting it: “Her smile was warm and welcoming; she would always be a child at heart.”

Franziska: There is some kind of tomfoolery afoot, and I am sure I will not like it.

Maya: Yeah, I’m getting shippy vibes too.

Franziska: More to the point, “Franziska got her hand out” makes little sense. Was I keeping my hand in my pocket? That appears to be the only way I could “get my hand out”.

Maya: That’s not really more to the point.

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"It's been too long!"

Franziska: It has been a year.

Maya: A year is a long time in spirit channeling!

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"Work keeps us both busy as always." Franziska's face quickly became serious as she looked down on Maya. "Anyway, it's very foolish to be wandering around the streets at this time of night."

Maya: It’s only 7:30. That’s not late by any stretch of the imagination.

Franziska: Yet another clue the author is not American in origin.

Quote:

"Same goes to you too!" Maya lifted up her head and stood next to Franziska. Maya scratched her chin as Franziska felt observed by her. "Something about you says you've grown up a lot, but something also says that you haven't changed much."

Franziska: A year. It has been a year.

Maya: It’s just rephrasing what was said about fic-me earlier but this time directed at you. That’s just lazy writing!

Quote:

"Likewise," Franziska groaned as she continued to walk forward.

Maya: A weird thing to groan.

Quote:

"Sorry Maya Fey, but I am in the middle of an investigation.""Is this about the missing woman who was spotted in school uniform?" Franziska ceased to move.

Franziska: Author, did you mean “ceased moving”? It is far more elegant while maintaining the same words. Foolish phrasing like that just makes the fiction harder to understand! *whipcrack*

Maya: How would I know about what’s-her-face? Have I been stalking Ms. von Karma?

Franziska: I doubt it. For if you had been, you would not be master of Kurain in this fiction due to death by whipping.

Maya: I just noticed something, Ms. von Karma. Sometimes you say ‘fic’, but recently you’ve only been saying ‘fiction’. What’s the deal with that?

Speakers: No more warnings, Fey.

[The electrocution aspect of the seats, at this point, nearly forgotten, activate, along with the restraints installed for Franziska very early on. Maya is both zapped and restrained. Franziska jumps in surprise.]

Franziska: That isn’t fair! Tell her what her transgressions were, at the very least!

Speakers: Fair? Whoever said anything about fair? We are the Management. There is no fair.

[Just then, a rope ladder descends from who knows where, because it’s certainly not the ceiling, and a familiar jingle plays. Kay Faraday slides down the ladder to stand on the back of a seat, a set of lock picks in hand.]

Kay: Don’t worry Maya! I’m here to rescue you!

Maya: I’d clap if I could bring my hands together.

Speakers: Do not bother. Take a seat, Faraday. This is your one warning.

Kay: Or what? You’ll zap me too? I’m not scared of you!

Speakers: You should be, Faraday. You will be punished more severely if you continue.

[Kay ignores the speakers, hops down off the seat and busies herself unlocking Maya.]

Speakers: Von Karma, if you restrain Faraday, we will let you go early.

Franziska: *standing up to help Kay* I refuse.

Speakers: Fine. Be that way.

[All of the doors to the theater shut, along with all of the windows. Meanwhile, Maya is finally freed from her seat.]

Kay: … I don’t think I can get us out of here now.

Maya: *rubbing her wrists* What are you going to do to us?

Speakers: Fey and von Karma earned a punishment for Faraday’s actions. You will finish this chapter then read an extremely dark and gory fic. Featuring Fey. Ruminate on this while you finish.

Kay: …

Maya: Are you okay?

Kay: I’m always ‘kay…

Franziska: Do not fret, Kay Faraday. We are strong and will survive.

Maya: Like Ms. von Karma says! Even if we get punished, they can’t kill us!

Kay: But they can do worse!

Maya: Nothing could be worse than Phoenix Drive.

Speakers: Pearl gets raped in this one. At eight.

Maya: That happened in Phoenix Drive as—

Speakers: By Matt Engarde.

Maya: Uh—

Speakers: And you murder him.

Franziska: Cease taunting us! Allow us to spork in peace! *whipcrack*

Speakers: For whipping the speakers, the gore will be uncut.

Franziska: *recoils clutching her shoulders* !

Kay: Don’t punish them for my actions! I will read the fic in their place!

Speakers: No. We cannot keep you out, but we can have you removed.

Kay: But don’t you need all the sporkers you can get?

Speakers: You make a good point, Faraday. Very well, you will be subjected to the punishment as well. Continue sporking.

Quote:

"Yes...""One of the elders saw her walk into the old karaoke bar in the outskirts." "How far is it?" Franziska asked."Well by foot I would say an hour on foot," Maya replied.

Franziska: Redundant! Repetition of ‘on foot’ is nonsensical and unnecessary.

Kay: *muttered* The punishment is nonsensical and unnecessary.

Quote:

Maya patted Franziska's back and pointed towards the shackled building in the distance. "But if we go on the train and throw ourselves out, we'll be there much quicker."Franziska pursed her lips.

Kay: Whoa, Maya! I never knew you were such a daredevil!

Maya: I’m not! I’d never suggest that! I could die!

Quote:

She squinted her eyes as her whip lashed onto Maya's back. "Don't be foolish!" Franziska barked. "That is dangerous. We could get killed."

Maya: See?

Franziska: My whip “lashed onto Maya’s back”? ‘Lashed’ is not the verb to use here. ‘Struck’ would be better.

Kay: I still think it’d be cool to jump off of a train.

Quote:

Maya sighed as she lowered her head below Franziska's neck. "I guess you're right. I have been having a quest for danger recently."

Kay: Oh, a quest for danger? I’m on one of those all the time!

Franziska: I suspect we all are, at least when we enter this theater.

Maya: It’s not like we have a choice.

Quote:

"Well," Franziska crossed her arms. "You better show me the way!" Maya nodded. "Right! I will show you the way."

Kay: *singing* More repetition, what a show; more repetition, here we go!

Quote:

"So Maya Fey," Franziska spoke.

Franziska: Use *whipcrack* commas *whipcrack* properly!

Quote:

She never expected Maya Fey of all people to assist her with her investigations. But she hoped, that this would lead somewhere. If Naomi was alive, she could most likely be brought to safety. If Naomi was dead, then a full investigation to her death will take place. But first, before Franziska could do anything, she had to know about this karaoke bar. "What do you know about this karaoke bar?""It's never open," Maya quickly replied. She held onto Franziska's hand as she tiptoed towards the long and stoney road.

Maya: Such lazy writing, instead of developing our relationship to that point where we hold hands, they just have it happen.

Kay: We should make a bad writing bingo for fics like these!

Maya: That’s actually a great idea, Kay.

[Kay pulls out some paper from her pack and starts making a bad writing bingo.]

Speakers: Faraday. Pay attention. Or we’ll remove you from the punishment sporking, so it’ll be just your friends.

[Kay sighs and looks up, but doesn’t put away the paper.]

Quote:

"I've always wanted to go ever since I've heard about it, but it just looked...well you can see for yourself. I wouldn't go on my own.""I'm curious to why you would even consider going to a karaoke bar in the first place?"

Franziska: Improper use of question mark. Add that to the bingo, Kay Faraday.

Kay: That’s not what the bingo’s about, Ms. von Karma.

Maya: I think the more important point here is that apparently fic-me doesn’t seem like the type to go to a karaoke bar.

Quote:

9:30 PM October 29th, 2030 Seiko Karaoke Bar

Maya: Whoa! It took ten years to get to there!

Franziska: Ten years and two hours, to be more precise.

Kay: *muttering as if writing* Typos/Free Space

Speakers: Faraday. What the hell did we just say.

Kay: I’m still paying attention!

Quote:

Maya's legs collapsed on the floor as she panted loudly.

Maya: … Did my legs just buckle, leaving me floating above them?

Kay: Looks like it!

Franziska: This is why proofreading is important! *whipcrack*

Quote:

Her head swayed side-to-side as she took some deep breaths. "I'm sure that walked all that food off, I'm sure.""With the amount you eat," Franziska said. "I'm not too sure."

Maya: You know, there’s such a thing as tact… and a brain-mouth filter.

Maya stood herself up and looked up to the old shambled house. It was covered in ivy and scaffolding and ivy over the scaffolding. On the door there was a red glowing sign in bold letters wrote: WELCOME TO SEIKO KARAOKE BAR!

Franziska: “Written in bold letters”.

Quote:

"So this is the karaoke bar?" Franziska raised her head and turned away at the horrific site

.

Maya: What exactly is horrific about the sign?

Franziska: It is the site that is horrific, Maya Fey, not the sign, nor the sight.

Maya: But I think they meant sight.

Kay: Either way, it’s not super horrific. I agree with Maya.

Quote:

She shook her head and quickly walked towards the door as her hand turned towards the nob.

Maya: “Her hand turned towards the knob”? So just her hand turned in that direction?

Kay: Oh no! Ms. von Karma’s hand is turning against her!

Quote:

The door wouldn't nudge an inch. Franziska tried kicking the door: nothing happened. She took a few steps back and charged her full body weight at the door, and it wasn't very effective.

Kay: Ms. von Karma used Body Slam!

Maya: It’s not very effective…

Franziska: *sigh*

Quote:

"I can't open the door!" Franziska hissed.

Maya: Can you actually hiss something without any ‘S’s in it?

Quote:

"Then there must be a key!" Maya pointed out. She ran over to the window and nothing but a torn curtain. Maya could see a small flame lit up behind the curtain. "There's a candle in here, there must be someone in there!"Franziska peered over to the window and saw the candle quickly walking closer and closer towards them.

I'm back! Finally. I have part 2 of Trinity of Truth close to completion, after all this time. As an aside, I was wondering if anyone's sporked (or is planning on sporking) Barrylawn's Sporking Theatre fanfic. If not, I'm thinking about giving it a go. Hopefully, the fourth wall will be able to handle it.

Author:

PhosphorousLaw [ Mon Nov 12, 2018 7:34 pm ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

As far as I'm concerned, go for it! I'm pretty sure there's only Fool and I active here, and neither of us have it, so yeah! Knock yourself out!Loved your first Trinity of Truth sporking, btw!Edit: There's a fangame called Dark Age of Love, it's a very bad smut game a la Phoenix Drive someone please take it, I know I won't be able to andle it.Edit 2 because I fear doubleposting:Here's some more fics, also I rescind my dibs on the Kink meme collectionCharley causes Edgeworth and Phoenix to almost get divorced: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14168355

Ok, so I’ve been watching this thread for a while and now I figured it’s time for me to make my mark on here. It’s time for a spork! The Ending Cannot Come in the Middle of the StoryBy CaesiumDressingRating: Honestly, it’s done with mostly decent grammar and I was entertained by it. Still, it’s insanity is why it gets two Sahwits.

And the resident Sporking bitch... Miles Edgeworth!! “I would be shocked but considering what I’ve been through in here, I can’t say I’m surprised in the least.

(We open up in the Sporking Theater as Apollo and Trucy are already seated.

Trucy: So you agreed to come back for this, why?

Apollo: Well, it certainly beats taking like fifteen cases per day. Although almost anything beats that. Even this. Besides, the Management said it was either this or they would make sure I get even more cases.

Trucy: Oh, chin up, Polly! Surely it’ll be a nice break for you!

Apollo: Not if the Management has anything to say about it.

Speakers: Hehehehehehehe.

(Just then, the doors to the theater open and Edgeworth and Klavier enter.)

Klavier: I’m just saying, Herr Chief. It’d be a good promotion for the Prosecutor’s Office.

Edgeworth: For the last time, Prosecutor Gavin, no, we’re not doing anything regarding your music. I’d prefer our jobs to be taken seriously.

Klavier: Which is why you have a samurai, a former rock star and had a monk join your offices, ja?

Edgeworth: I...view their skills as essential in these dark times. Yours included.

Klavier: Danke, Herr Chief. Keep my proposal in mind, at least. (He And Edgeworth take their seats.) Ah, Herr Forehead. Fancy seeing you back here. I figured you’d be too busy in Khura’in for spending time here.

Apollo: It appears the Management felt I had better things to do than spend my time helping rebuild a country’s legal system. Like commenting on fan fiction.

Edgeworth: At least you don’t get dragged here for every single story they get for us. Why am I the one subjected to the worst of this?

Speakers: The Management would like to request that Miles Edgeworth not speculate on why he’s the Sporking Bitch and that he just accept it.

Edgeworth: The day I accept that fact is the day that I follow in Wright’s footsteps and become a drunken hobo.

Trucy: You never know, Uncle Edgeworth! Maybe Capcom has something in store for you in the next game!

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Trucy Wright that breaking the fourth wall is against the rules.

Trucy: *sticks tongue out at speakers* What’s this story about anyway?

Apollo: All I got was the title...and it makes no sense.

Klavier: But it’s true, Herr Forehead. The ending has to come at the end of a story, ja?

Edgeworth: If only some authors made the ending come sooner.

Trucy: Shh! It’s starting!

(The lights dim.)

Quote:

Apollo Justice and Trucy are tasked with taking Klavier Gavin out to the seaside on some errand. Little did they know they were about to take part in a battle for the fate of the last unicorn.

All: ...

Apollo: Um...what?

Edgeworth: Nnnngg! My truth bar just took a hit with the summary alone!

Klavier: Well this could make for an...interesting show.

Trucy: Sounds like fun!

Apollo: If by “fun,” you mean “confusion,” then I agree.

Quote:

“Of all the stupid errands we’ve been sent on, this has to be the stupidest.” Apollo said, adjusting his backpack.

Apollo: I dunno. Mr. Wright has sent me on some stupid errands before.

Klavier: Such as?

Apollo: Getting a stepladder when we already had a perfectly good ladder available to use.

Trucy: That was NOT a stupid errand! Stepladders are the best kinds of ladder!

Edgeworth: I must agree with Mr. Justice. Ladders work just as well as stepladders in almost any situation.

Trucy: You too, Uncle Edgeworth?

Quote:

“It isn’t so bad Polly. We’re getting a little hike by the beach. Maybe we can go swimming later. Daddy just said that we had to escort Klavier to the sea. He didn’t say we couldn’t have fun once we got there.” Trucy said, tromping along behind Apollo.

Apollo: I know Mr. Wright is crazy sometimes but why would he have us do this?

Klavier: Perhaps he felt it was necessary to protect me from my adoring fans, ja?

Apollo: Even if that was the case, why us? Why not get, I dunno, ACTUAL GUARDS??

Edgeworth: My guess is that Wright’s too cheap to go for something like that.

Trucy: *opens mouth to say something but closes it after a few seconds*

Quote:

“Yes, but why? What the hell is this task that he has to complete?” Apollo sighed. “Sometimes I think your dad lost it after all those years in the Borscht Bowl. Too many travelers, too many stories.”

Edgeworth: Actually, I’m pretty sure he lost it after all those years of dealing with insane trials finally caught up to him. The disbarment years simply reinforced it.

Quote:

Klavier had stopped at the cusp of the hill and was looking out at the sea with sadness in his eyes. Apollo approached his side and placed set his hand on Klavier’s shoulder.

“What are you looking at, Klavier?” Apollo asked, concerned with the sudden sadness playing across the prosecutor’s regularly happy face.

Edgeworth: The author made it quite clear what he was looking at. Why do we need to have this repeated to us?

Quote:

“The sea is always good,” came a grizzled voice from over Apollo’s shoulder. He turned and saw an old man in what must have once been grand clothes. He was stooped and twisted, sparse white hair crowning his head.

Trucy: Do you recognize this man? He doesn’t look familiar to me.

Klavier: Nein.

Edgeworth: Not that I am aware of.

Apollo: Nope. Maybe they’ll tell us?

Quote:

“Yes,” Klavier said turning to the man.

“You came? After all these years, you came,” the man said, laughing dryly. “It would be best if you returned to your home in the city and settled down to a normal human life. You’re no match for the red bull.”

Klavier: Am I supposed to know this man? Because I have no memory of meeting him.

Apollo: Better question. Who’s the Red Bull?

Trucy: Maybe it’s that energy drink.

Edgeworth: One, I’m pretty sure that’s not the case. Two, if it was, the man would’ve said A Red Bull, not THE Red Bull.

Speakers: The Management would like to request that the sporkers not give product placement for Red Bull.

Quote:

“What is he talking about Klavier?” Apollo asked, turning back to the blonde man he’d come here with.

“You know I can’t go back. I set out on a journey to find others like me and made a foolish mistake along the way. I got confused after I was changed by that wizard, and I forgot what I meant to do. Now that I remember, I cannot live knowing that I did not try to return unicorns to the world.”

Klavier: Excuse me? Where did this come from?

Apollo: We suddenly went from escorting Prosecutor Gavin to unicorns and wizards?

Edgeworth: I...believe so. The sad thing is, this isn’t the most insane thing I’ve seen here.

Quote:

“Wow Apollo,” Trucy leaned in and whispered into Apollo’s ear “did you know Klavier was the last unicorn?”

Klavier: WHAT?!

Edgeworth: Um...

Apollo: So...Mr. Edgeworth...is this the most insane thing you’ve seen in here now?

Edgeworth: It...might’ve made the top 10. Possibly the top 5.

Trucy: How would I have known this anyway?

Apollo: (THAT’S your biggest question?)

Quote:

“Unicorn? Red Bull? What in the hell is everyone talking about?” Apollo said confusedly.

“Oh? Look who you came here with; a two-bit show magician and the human form of a yappy dog.”

Apollo and Trucy: Hey!

Quote:

“Hey!” Trucy exclaimed “I’m not just a show magician. I can do real magic mister, just like in the story books!”

Trucy: Exactly!

Apollo: I don’t think your magic is “just like in the story books,” Trucy.

Trucy: What do you know, Polly? You’re just a human yappy dog!

Apollo: H-hey!

Klavier: *chuckles* The fic is not that far off, actually.

Apollo: (Et tu, Prosecutor Gavin?)

Edgeworth: Did the author not notice the grammar mistakes he made?

Quote:

“And I’m not a yappy dog, I’m a lawyer!” Apollo yelled shrilly, puffing out his chest to make himself look more intimidating.

Klavier: I don’t think that’s working, Herr Forehead.

Apollo: (It’s not my fault I don’t have a muscular build.)

[The old man, whose name we never get, taunts the trio before leaving.]

Quote:

“Klavier, you’re a unicorn! How can you let that old man talk to you like that?!” Trucy cried, running to Klavier’s side.

“He’s right, fräulein. Apollo is no hero and you are no sorceress,” Klavier cast his eyes down at the sea again. “Why did we come here? It was a fool’s errand. Let’s go back,” Klavier turned toward the path they came on and away from the sea.

Edgeworth: Again, how is Prosecutor Gavin a unicorn? What was supposed to be the errand? Why is he so glum? Nng! My truth bar!

Klavier: Careful, Herr Chief. You don’t want to stress yourself.

Edgeworth: I can’t help myself sometimes!

Quote:

“Objection!” Apollo shouted, flinging his arm out towards Klavier finger pointed viciously. “I did not walk all the way out here with you and Trucy to turn around and go home. The ending cannot come in the middle of the story!”

Apollo: Really? THAT’S how they incorporate the title into this?

Edgeworth: Still, I’d like the ending to come in the middle of the story. It would spare us the insanity that awaits in this story.

Trucy: You need to learn to lighten up, Uncle Edgeworth. Have a little fun!

Edgeworth: That’s not how I operate, Trucy.

Quote:

“Apollo’s right Klavier, you can’t just not finish an epic quest. I’m sure I can change you back!”

“Fräulein, you may try but I’m afraid you’d be disappointed. It’s not an easy trick. Only two great wizards were ever able to change a unicorn into a human and neither was able to change them back.”

Trucy: Never underestimate a Gramayre!

Apollo: If you have that magic power, why can’t you use it to get us out of here?

Trucy: Um...because the Management requested that I don’t?

Apollo: Suuuuuuuure.

Edgeworth: How is it that Mr. Justice has just accepted the fact that wizards and unicorns exist?

Klavier: Or that I am one, for that matter, ja? Still, I’m probably majestic and beautiful to gaze at as a unicorn.

Apollo: (Egocentric, much?)

Quote:

Trucy clapped her hands and made a determined face. “I’m going to do this, stand back.” She stretched her arms out in front of her, popping the joints, and bowed her head. “Magic, do as you will. Magic, do as you will.” She began to chant quietly.

Apollo: Am I dreaming right now? Is this really happening?

Edgeworth: I’m afraid so, Mr. Justice.

Trucy: My shows are always more exciting than this! Lame!

Quote:

Apollo stood open mouthed at the farce happening before his eyes. Prosecutor Gavin was just staring sadly at Trucy who was waving her arms in circles and chanting some foolish mantra.

Apollo: Huh. Guess I haven’t lost all my sanity yet.

Edgeworth: That’s more than I can say for Trucy or Prosecutor Gavin.

Klavier: That’s not me up there, Herr Chief.

Quote:

Just as Apollo was about to turn away, leaving this insanity behind him, and turn in his two weeks notice to Phoenix, a green glow began to form between Trucy’s hands.

Trucy: Ha! Who’s the insane one now, Uncle Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: It’s a fictional story, Trucy. Nothing matters in the long run.

Trucy: It would’ve been cool if I could do that stuff though.

Apollo: (At least it wouldn’t be on me. Good luck, Athena.)

Quote:

Trucy’s brows were knitted in concentration, putting everything she had into the chant. The glow began to get brighter and bigger. Klavier reached out to it and it to him. Slowly the strange light began to engulf Klavier and his body began to twist and reshape. His face elongated, becoming that of a horse. Suddenly his limbs became thinner and his hands and feet became cloven hooves. As his hooves touched the ground the earth began to shake.

Apollo and Trucy: *giggle*

Klavier: May I ask what’s so funny?

Apollo: Th-the idea of seeing you as a horse is just too good.

Trucy: *busts out laughing*

Edgeworth: *stares at the screen in shock* This is just a story, Miles. It’s just a story.

Quote:

The old man was cackling from his hovel. “Now you’ve done it. The last unicorn will be mine, driven into the sea like all the others by the red bull!”

On the horizon a dark shadow loomed, glowing red like the setting sun. There was a roar that shook the air around them. Klavier bounded backwards on his four legs, whinnying. The bull charged around Apollo and Trucy, knocking them off their feet into the dirt. Klavier bounded down the hill toward the sea.

Apollo: This...what am I even watching anymore?

Edgeworth: My thoughts exactly.

Klavier: *stares at the screen in bewilderment*

Trucy: This is fun!

Apollo: Well at least one of us is having a good time.

Quote:

“I have no idea what’s actually happening,” Apollo said, picking himself up “but I'm going to stop whatever it is. Trapping sentient creatures in the sea is unlawful imprisonment old man and I won’t allow it!” Apollo shouted at the old man who was laughing raucously in the old plastic lawn chair he’d dragged out of his hovel while they weren't watching.

Apollo: Actually, I’d probably be too stunned to do anything, least of all yelling at an old man who might be even more insane than this fan fiction is at the moment.

Apollo bounded down the hill just as Klavier charged past the bull, back toward land. Apollo stepped between them. Suddenly he realized that he had no weapons and no means of defense. He was completely helpless between two magical beasts battling each other. As he realized he had no hope the bull charged.

Apollo: Okay, this is just ridiculous.

Edgeworth: Understatement of the year, Mr. Justice.

Apollo: Even if, IF, I were to actually be insane enough to do anything at this point, I would never go in between two dangerous and deadly animals with no weapons!

Klavier: ...

[Apollo dies and Klavier becomes dead set on avenging him.]

Quote:

Soon the bull’s ghostly hooves were in the edge of the water. With each step the tide rose higher around him. The bull was being driven into the sea just as he had driven the unicorns. With each wave the bull’s red glow became dimmer. One last thrust of Klavier's glowing horn pushed the bull’s under the waves and with a mighty roar his fiery eyes were extinguished.

Trucy: This is fun!

Apollo, Edgeworth and Klavier: ...

Quote:

The waves swelled, and when they came to break on the shore they left unicorns in their wake. Hundreds and hundreds of shining beasts came rushing in on each wave. Their galloping shook the earth hard enough that the Old man’s shack crumbled to the ground. They streamed and streamed until there was none left. When they had gone the earth stilled and Klavier cantered over to Apollo’s side where Trucy knelt crying.

Everyone sans Trucy: ...

Trucy: That was amazing! Although did Polly really need to die?

Apollo: (If it gets me out of this craziness, then YES!)

Quote:

Klavier touched his horn to Apollo’s chest and Apollo began breathing again. “Mr. Wright, I had the strangest dream about Klavier being a unicorn. . .” he rubbed his eyes and realized that Trucy was sitting in front of him teary eyed. “Was I dead?”

Trucy let out a sob and threw her arms around Apollo’s shoulders. Apollo glanced around and swore he caught a glimpse of a white flank over the hill.

Apollo: Okay...so to sum this all up, Prosecutor Gavin’s a unicorn who fights a Red Bull, Trucy can do actual magic, I die and come back to life and I still keep my sanity?

Klavier: I...I believe so, Herr Forehead. I have...no idea what I just watched.

Phoenix Wright sat on the couch in the front office of The Wright Anything Agency sipping from a mug of coffee with a copy of the evening news spread across his knees. After he was sure Miles had recovered from the earthquake he went into the office to meet with Apollo and Trucy, hoping they’d be back from the errand he’d sent them on. If the earthquakes were any indication, they’d succeeded.

The door to the agency opened and in stepped his daughter and Apollo Justice, both ashen faced. “Welcome home you two. Did you complete your quest?” The look Apollo gave him could have set the newspaper across his knees on fire.

Apollo: Well, that’s probably about the most accurate depiction of what I’d do in that situation.

Quote:

“If it makes you feel any better, he’ll remember you when men are fairy tales in books written by rabbits,” Phoenix said. Apollo replied by stomping into his office and slamming the door.

Apollo: THAT’S HARDLY ANY CONSOLATION!

Quote:

“I think he’s gonna need some time to process the whole ‘dying-to-a-magical-creature-and-then-being-resurrected-by-a-different-magical-creature’ thing Daddy,” Trucy said, plopping down next to Phoenix on the couch.

Edgeworth: I think we all need time to process this fan fiction.

Apollo and Klavier: Agreed.

Quote:

Miles Edgeworth stood on his back porch, eyes wide. He was talking to what everyone else would perceive as a white mare. He was not so easily fooled, however. Mares didn’t speak in men’s voices, and they surely didn’t have fake German accents.

“So, I regret to tell you chief prosecutor, I will no longer be able to work for you. I must return to my forest. You will find a letter of resignation in my desk,” Klavier spoke like a man chatting about unfortunate weather, not a man who had magically been turned into a unicorn.

Edgeworth: Wh-why am I suddenly included in this?!

Trucy: Guess they figured you deserved some time in the spotlight, Uncle Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: I didn’t ask for any of this!

Quote:

Miles Edgeworth nodded, saying nothing.

“Please, tell Apollo Justice that I appreciated his bravery today. I only regret that we will not have more time together. Herr Forehead always brought me joy,”

“Yes,” Miles Edgeworth managed, nodding his head.

Edgeworth: I don’t think I could even manage to say THAT if placed in this situation!

Klavier: Why would I even come to you anyway, and not Herr Forehead?

Apollo: That’s your biggest question?

Klavier: This story has made me unable to think straight for the time being. Do you really blame me?

Miles Edgeworth went back into his house, poured himself a cup of tea, and sat down in his living room without turning on any lights. As he sipped his tea he vowed silently to himself that he would never breathe a single word of what he had just seen to any other living soul.

Edgeworth: At that point, I would probably see a doctor to make sure I was still sane.

(The lights come back on.)

Apollo: Finally! It’s over!

Klavier: Watching myself turn into a unicorn was not as magestic or as beautiful as I thought it would be.

Edgeworth: It may not be the worst story I’ve seen on here but it’s certainly one of the most insane.

Trucy: That was fun! Let’s do that again!

Apollo: Give me some time to recover from that, will you?

(And so our sporkers departed the theater and vowed to never speak of that insanity again. Or at least three of them agreed. What story will be next? Who will spork it? Will I ever get the motivation and time to do this again? Stay tuned!)

Author:

PhosphorousLaw [ Tue Nov 20, 2018 2:21 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

This spork was very good! But there were 3 things that bugged me.First off, you used the wrong smiley for Apollo. That's a Gumshoe smiley, not an Apollo one.Secondly, you made use of the truth bar multiple times but nothing really came of it? Not even in a minor way, either, you had Edgeworth say it knocked a lot out of his truth bar.Thirdly, Trucy calls Edgeworth "Mr. Edgeworth" canonically, "Uncle Edgeworth" is fanfics only.

But here are the great things about your spork!1. It made me laugh a lot!! It was very funny.2. Your characterization is really good for a newbie! Especially Klavier and Trucy.3. Apollo's shoutiness was just the right level.4. You asked the same questions I did when I was attempting to spork it! Great minds think alike!

Quote:

Trucy: You need to learn to lighten up, Uncle Edgeworth. Have a little fun!

Edgeworth: That’s not how I operate, Trucy.

I laughed super hard at how accurate this is, thank you for pinpointing exactly how Edgeworth rolls!

One thing I think you missed is that "Magic do as you will" is directly from the original book The Last Unicorn. Something could be made of that joke.

But again, all in all, AWESOME JOB FOR YOUR FIRST SPORK!! (Better than mine, prolly lol)

Author:

DJJ680 [ Tue Nov 20, 2018 2:35 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

The sprite issue should be fixed. Also, I had no knowledge of that Last Unicorn book so that’s why I didn’t mention it. (I need to read more.) Thanks for the feedback! Glad you liked it!

Author:

TEG [ Fri Dec 21, 2018 4:45 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Just got caught up on the thread. Good sporking DJJ68o! You definitely picked a good story for this one, with some priceless moments for characters to react to, like Edgeworth being a unicorn and Apollo abruptly dying.

Author:

DJJ680 [ Fri Dec 21, 2018 6:24 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Time to hopefully get this theater up and running again with another Sporking! Attorney-assia by HeroMan66475 Rating: As a parody of Kickassia, it’s...relatively faithful. However, just how Kristoph manages to get everyone to support him and some grammar errors is what gets it this rating.

Our sporkers are...

Phoenix Wright! “It’s been a while.”

Miles Edgeworth! “You say that as if it’s a good thing, Wright.”

Apollo Justice! “Forget helping rebuilding a country’s legal system. This is CLEARLY the best thing I can do with my time.”

And Maya Fey! “At least it was a fun break from here.”

We open up at the Sporking Theater but something about it seems different...

Maya: Is it just me or has this place changed since we were last here?

Speakers: Astute observation, Maya Fey. While you were away, we performed some renovations to the theater. Hi def resolution, better carpeting, different walls, and even recliners for seats.

Maya: Neato!

Maya runs over to the recliner and tries it out.

Edgeworth: This should make the experience more tolerable.

Phoenix: Don’t tell me you’re actually gonna like doing this.

Edgeworth: I said more tolerable, Wright. The day I actually like doing his is the day I enter into a relationship with Oldbag.

There is a nation called...Mollasia...A micro-nation to be precise.Located in Nevada...just at the coast of America...or are we in Japan? It's hard to tell where we are anymore.A small spec of land...1.3 acres to be exact.Some strange loophole considers this to be a nation nontheless.

Apollo: Um...I’m no geography expert but what kind of loophole would allow a place like that to exist as a nation?

Maya: MICROnation, Apollo. Get it right!

Apollo: ...right.

Edgeworth: Also, I’m pretty sure this is America that we’re in.

Phoenix: Really? The games made it unclear as to where we’re at exactly.

Edgeworth: No, Spirit of Justice confirmed it.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth that breaking the fourth wall is strictly prohibited.

Quote:

Even though the foolish 'president', 'Shu Takumi', tries all as he might to deny the fact that this is a home away from home and not a micro-nation...but he fails...

Maya: Shu Takumi? Who’s that?

Phoenix: He sounds kinda crazy to be running a micronation like this.

Apollo: (Why do I get a bad feeling about making fun of this guy?)

Quote:

For the most part...Mollasia is one humble, simple, gentle land. A land not meaning to interfere with any affairs with any other country.Not exposed to money, power...and war.

Edgeworth: What kind of nation only 1.3 acres big needs an ambassador?

Quote:

The morning sun gracefully arose from it's 12 hour slumber, and ready to shine it's rays of light as a beautiful greeting on the land of Mollasia.President Shu Takumi couldn't be happier!A breathtaking country landscape to gaze upon, cloudless skies, plenty of fresh air..and no Yamazaki to butcher his greatest works.Coming here was a really good choice, now he can work on his latest creation in peace...

Ghost Trick 2.

Maya: When will Capcom give us that game?! We need it!

Phoenix: I think we “need it,” like we “need” more episodes of the Steel Samurai.

Maya: Exactly! We must have it or we die!

Quote:

Takumi swiftly raised both of his arms up in front of him the same way a zombie traditionally would and began to slowly clench and un-clench his fingers for approximate one minute. Okay, warm-ups out of the way...it's time to get to the serious business.

Unfortunately the doorbell ringing interrupted his just began trance into "the zone".What kind of person wants to come out to a micro-nation in the middle of nowhere?Begrudgingly, President Takumi had to heave his body all the way to the front door and quickly opened it(while also being slightly irritated).Man what greeted him at the front porch was not the least bit what he expected?

Edgeworth: Why end that in a question? Was it supposed to be open to interpretation if he expected it?

Apollo: I’m just wondering what kind of crazy person would visit a micronation like that.

Quote:

A man with a regularly slim build calmly stood there; he was clad in full purple, a golden drill was attached to his head like it was some dumb hairstyle, his eyes were closed behind this thin rimmed glasses;he used this to add to the calm smile of a sticker upon his face.

Apollo: ...no...

Phoenix: That can’t be...

Quote:

"Hello! I am Kristoph Gavin. I am...or rather was a district defense attorney." Takumi's face was painted in an ever blank expression. "You maybe wondering why I am here. Well that is an easy answer. It has to my attention that you are a complete idiot who doesn't bother stretching this nation beyond an acre of land; and it's because of this fact that me and all of my lawyer friends are going to invade you."

All: ...

Apollo: HOW?! HOW IS HE OUT OF PRISON?!

Phoenix: And I don’t recall him having many “lawyer friends.”

Edgeworth: He would be the kind of person to invade a nation like this though.

Maya: I’m amazed that Takumi is taking all this with a blank expression.

Quote:

This fact didn't even bother piercing Takumi's uninterested gaze. "Don't seem convinced? Well, I have plenty of friends;" 80% of them my biggest enemies. "Who have the the ability and potential to invade this acre of land. Because as I kept stating earlier; we are an army..and you are...just you. So I am generous enough to give you 10 minutes to pack up your things...and lack for a better word..." Kristoph's eyelids slowly opened, revealing a sinister gaze piercing the hearts and souls of many as his cheeky grin twisted into that of a psychotic child torturing a family of ants with a magnifying glass. "Piss...off."

Apollo: Biggest enemies? Is Mr. Gavin seriously gonna try and convince us to help him in this deranged plan of his?

Maya: I, for one, am totally on board with this! I wanna take control of a micronation!

Edgeworth: You’d work with a convicted murderer and the one responsible for disbarring Wright?

Maya: Well I won’t work with HIM.

Quote:

For some unfathomable reason...Takumi has managed to keep a miraculously sane, bored and overall...blank face for the whole entire time. He didn't even bother saying a word as he quickly slammed the door in Kristoph's deranged looking face.

Phoenix: Maybe it’s because to him, Kristoph is just a deranged lunatic with no plan.

Apollo: Mr. Wright, we both know he’s much more dangerous than that.

Phoenix: Well it’s not like Takumi would know that.

Apollo: (Or would he? I feel like I’m missing something here...)

Quote:

Kristoph's smile morphed into a terrifying scowl before climbing out as a scoff. Takumi's actions were clearly an act of defiance against Kristoph's attempt to invade.He should've known it wouldn't be this easy to take over this acre of land.The easy way out didn't succeed. It is now time to finally put away the mister nice guy attitude away once and for all...and call...them for the invasion.

Why do they always want to do this the hard way?

Edgeworth: Clearly, Gavin doesn’t know about every war ever fought.

Phoenix: Strange. He’s usually more informed on topics like that.

Quote:

Kristoph sat there in his hotel room that he himself booked that was around a few miles from Mollosia.The room itself was medium large and was dimly lit aside from the four computer monitors that all showed ever single thread of information about Mollasia.Thank the capcom execs for posting all this for Kristoph to see.Kristoph always secretly wanted to have the power to rule a nation since he was a small child, playing king of a castle in a card board fort, always seeing how politics are doing on the news it plants the seed in his mind to rule the world one day and have all that power...unfortunately he grew out of his childish illusions and decided to do something meaningful with all his the outstanding grades he got...and became a lawyer...it was all thanks to Grossberg! But forget him!

Apollo: Somehow, I’m not surprised by Mr. Gavin’s secret desires.

Maya: I think he’s dreaming too small. Why rule a nation when you can rule the world?

Everyone else: ...

Maya: What? Don’t tell me you haven’t had that dream before.

Quote:

Ever since he was convicted...again...he stumbled upon Mollosia while aimlessly surfing the web...needless to say that it returned his delusions to own his own nation...then the world...and probably pudding. He may even confess to jacking off at his first look at that website all about Mollosia!...on second thought...probably not. It is now finally time...to call the troops.

Edgeworth: That...was not a detail about Gavin’s personal life I needed to know.

Apollo: I need some brain bleach.

[Kristoph dials the Wright Anything Agency.

Quote:

The familiar ring-tone of the Steel Samurai theme echoed throughout the sole room of the Anything Agency. Phoenix was a little held up by the huge skyscraper of paper work that was welded into his wooden desk that he had asked his adoptive daughter, Trucy Wright, to answer the phone call instead.

"Hello? Wright Anything Agency!" The performing magician exclaimed, putting the receiver to her ear. "Defending you like it's nutting baby!"

"Trucy who was it?" Phoenix asked looking up from his stacks of paper work.

"I don't know, daddy," All Trucy did was shrug after saying that. "Maybe they just wanted to know the time..."

Edgeworth: I don’t think someone saying “it’s time,” would be asking FOR the time.

Phoenix: And how would Trucy even know what “it’s time” meant?

Quote:

Apollo Justice sat lonesome in his vast empty office; staring at the greenish-grey ceiling that he repainted not too long ago when he took over the Shahdmadhi law office.Everyone else has gone out to the Khura'in bazaar to celebrate Princess Rayfa's coronation as queen...Apollo decided to stay at the office...something about this day..felt off...like something was gonna suck him into another crazy adventure...man did he miss the chaos of the Wright Anything Agency...

Phoenix: Aw, you miss us that much, Apollo?

Apollo: I dunno. I definitely don’t miss cleaning the toilet. Also, I should be WAY more busy than I’m shown to be.

Quote:

The silence was sort lived as it was livened up by the Guitar Serenade ringtone on his phone...better to answer it sometime this century.

"Hello? Justice law agency de-" Before he was able to finish his sentence...a somehow familiar raspy voice answered.

"It's time..."

"um...hello?" as much as Apollo tried to get a solid answer out of the caller...but the person on the other end hung up the phone...leaving Apollo with a confused expression on his face.

Apollo: I think I would recognize that voice almost immediately, considering the man was my former boss.

Maya: Clearly, fic-you is not up to speed on the time.

Edgeworth: Also, missed capitalizations.

Phoenix: (That’s your biggest complaint?)

Quote:

Chief Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth was looking over some files on his desk, there seems to be some more corrupt prosecutors he has to fire from the office...but there seems to be a lot more prosecutor's in training that want to find the truth apposed to win records and money...he likes that in the youth of today...it made him smile a genuine smile.It's a shame such a rare occasion was cut off by the Steel Samurai ringtone on his phone.

Maya: Ooh. You have that ringtone, too, Mr. Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: Nnnnngggg! N-no!

Quote:

Unlike all the other phones we came across, this one has no ringtone...that's because the owner likes to keep it simple and let it vibrate instead...those ringtones are a little annoying sometimes...sometimes.

"Hello? Who's speaking?" A gruff voice barked when speaking from the receiver.

"It's time..." And with that, the line got cut, leaving the newly promoted detective...a little bit...confused...so confused he forgot the guy on the other end hung up!

"Did you just wanted to know the time...pal?"

Edgeworth: “Newly promoted detective?” Gumshoe has been a detective for years.

Maya: Maybe it’s some different detective.

Phoenix: What detective do you know of that says “pal,” a lot?

Maya: ...fair point.

Quote:

The Bazaar in Khura'in was packed! Almost everyone involved with the royal family were there...too bad Datz left for a poo break.Anyhow...it was at this time where our little Kristoph made his next phone call...to several people at the same time...

Apollo: How would Mr. Gavin make a phone call to four people all at once?

Phoenix: Technology must’ve upgraded.

Maya: I think we would’ve known it existed.

Quote:

"Hello? This is Ahlbi Ur'gaid,"

"Hello? This is Ema Skye,"

"Hello? This is Princess Rayfa,"

"Hello? This is Nahyuta Shahdmadhi,"

"It's time..." And with that all four callers were left confused at the strange message that they were left with...and so began to call one detectoive who can solve this 'prank call'...if it is one...that is.

Phoenix: How would Kristoph even know who those people are?

Maya: Maybe he has strong connections in prison?

Edgeworth: International connections? Especially to someone like Ahlbi?

Quote:

"It's ti- oh wait...I forgot to..." Damn it Kristoph! You are supposed to let them say hello before you say that.

"Okay who in the bloody hell is speaking?" Roared the vicious voice of the awoken from long slumber Simon Blackquill."

Apollo: Mr. Gavin must be pretty brave to call Prosecutor Blackquill without expecting to be hurt in some way.

Quote:

"It's time..." Kristoph quietly squeaked, he is normally afraid of no man...but that thing it scares him...even worse than...Oldbag did to any handsome, young lawyer...he quickly shuddered at the thought.

"Time for what?" And with a little yelp, he quickly hung up before Blackquill could shoehorn more of his British-ness...and his...Weaboo-ness...Kristoph two worst enemies..."Bloody hell..."

Phoenix: You’d think Kristoph’s two worst enemies would be me and Zak.

Maya: I dunno. Britishness sounds pretty evil to me.

Apollo: Speaking of which, why is Prosecutor Blackquill British?

Quote:

"Hello? This is Shi-Long Lang" Lang answered holding up a pink...or was it light-ish red? Phone up to his ear as he began to answer the call...unfortunately a little whip happy German was a bit too whip happy for the Interpol agent to use her phone for a call that was presumable for her.

Edgeworth: I doubt Franziska would even let Agent Lang touch her phone to begin with.

Phoenix: I’m more amazed that her phone is apparently pink. I expected something along the lines of mint green or something.

Quote:

"Gimme that you foolish fool! You don't know what you are doing with my precious phone! AND DON'T TREAT IT AS YOUR'S!" Why oh why did she bother lending that stupid wolf like Interpol agent her own phone when his got soaked in the rain?

"Woah woah, hold on sister...don't attack me just because-" But before he began to defend himself, the caller began to speak his mysterious message.

"It's time..."

Apollo: Mr. Gavin has connections to Interpol agents now?

Phoenix: Well, he kept tabs on a lot of people.

Maya: Maybe he’s some sort of super spy!

Apollo: If THAT were the case, I’d probably be dead.

Quote:

Ah, another concert for the beautiful Fraulein's done, he always enjoyed giving the hope of justice to other's in song form...it's a little sad it was only done just this one more time...well what's done is done! It is finally time to get back into being the 'friendly' prosecutor...well a ringing phone is the only obstacle in his way.

"Ja? This is Klavier Gavin." He answered, the poor fool didn't know who it might be on the other end.

Apollo: It’s sad when Prosecutor Gavin is called the friendly prosecutor.

Edgeworth: We prosecutors can’t afford to be friendly when dealing with dangerous criminals.

Apollo: The least you can do is not physically assault defense attorneys.

Maya: Or maybe give us money for burgers. Nick doesn’t have enough for that!

Phoenix: She’s right.

Quote:

"It's time...bruder..." The voice and words hit the poor ex-rockstar hard in the gut...it's as if he was puched by a fucking ghost that punches things...and maybe stops time...

"Kristoph?" Before he could get all the asnwers he needs...the line went dead. Klavier sighed and muttered under his breathe..."Fuck you too bruder..."

Apollo: WHOA WHOA WHOA! Prosecutor Gavin wouldn’t swear like that!

Maya: You don’t know that, Apollo! Maybe he has a regular sailor mouth.

Apollo: If that’s the case, then I don’t know him nearly as well as I thought.

Quote:

Luke Atmey was in his office, a pile of email's building up in his office; after reading each and every one of them...Luke got up from his computer and slowly walked over to the red silk curtain in his office as he drew it to reveal the city of LA...or more or less a single street of LA...but that doesn't add for that better affect when put like that...not for great detective Atmey's taste.

Phoenix: Wait, why is Detective Atmey out of prison now?!

Maya: If a two time murderer and forger is released from jail, is it a stretch to believe that he can be released, too?

Edgeworth: It’s a stretch to believe that someone like a murderer can be released at all.

Quote:

"There has been mysterious messages all around the world...which 'targeted' specific people...very few people...very few specific people..." The mad detective mumbled as he closed the curtain again and wondered of from it "I wonder if I will get one myself..."

Edgeworth: What makes him think he’d get a call? Also, how did he even know about these calls?

Phoenix: It wouldn’t surprise me. He always had a way to get information.

Apollo: This guy sounds dangerous.

Quote:

Just at that exact moment, his fabulous ringtone gone off...who could this be? Could it be...him? Nah, why would it be the great Atmey?

"It's time..." The message sent a shiver of pleasure down Atmey's spine, this is his chance, he can get answers, he can find out who this person is and why he is doing this! Yes! Yes! He can be on the headlines! He can finally escape from the jail cell that he asked to be refurbished to look like his old office! Window streets and all! Yes! Yes! Now he must NEVER miss this spectacular chance!

Phoenix: Oh, he just refurbished his cell.

Edgeworth: Still, one must wonder who gave him access to a cell phone.

Maya: Apparently, the police are more incompetent than I thought.

Edgeworth: Objec-...actually, you’re not that far off.

Quote:

"ZAVARI! SHOW YOURSLEF!" But his majestic plea did no good as the caller hung up leaving Atmey for dust. "He hung up on me..."

Atmey rushed back to his computer...he missed his goddamn chance! HIS GODDAMN CHANCE! Might as well do the next best thing and give his clients advice to deal with the culprit...call him back and ask why...The biggest downside to this case is that it won't put him anywhere in the papers...Probably call him back and tell the guy the time...

Apollo: This guy sounds full of himself.

Phoenix: Understatement of the century.

Quote:

Ah...after making dozens of more 'it's time' calls, Kristoph finally put his device down. All the troupes are rounded up, time to relax and wait for them to arrive.Guess it's time for some coffee.But it was short lived as he quickly got a response as his phone's ringtone started booming.

"Hello?" A familiar twang of German accent bitch slapped Kristoph in the gut...what is Klavier doing calling him back? What's he asking for when the take down of Mollosia is happening? "What's this 'it's time' thing you are talking about bruder? As if I'm supposed to know it..."

Edgeworth: What exactly did Gavin expect was going to happen? That everybody would know what he meant?

Maya: Obviously. He wouldn’t say it if he didn’t expect everyone to know what he meant.

Quote:

A long, awkward pause transpired between the two brothers...until Kristoph finally broke the silence with a simple question...

"What?"

Apollo: Something tells me the two of them would have a lot more to talk about for there to be silence.

The lights turn back on.

Edgeworth: Whew. That was filled with impossibilities.

Phoenix: You’re saying it’s completely impossible for Kristoph to somehow break out of prison, get information on a micronation in Nevada, contact all of us, and plot to take over said micronation?

Slightly off topic, but I don't think the author of THIS fanfic is in much position to be trash talking the man who co-wrote Ace Attorney Investigations 2. If you're going to sign that particular check you better have the money in the bank to back it, by which I mean you better be a really bloody good writer, because I'm going to read your work much more critically.

Needless to say, I found copying the comedy of Doug Walker pretty underwhelming.

Author:

Planetbox [ Mon Dec 31, 2018 9:06 pm ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Oops, this took a lot longer than I expected it to. I'll just leave it here, I guess. Happy New Year and all that.

Pretty much certain this is my last sporking here though, I'm afraid. Not that I was that active before. Point is, if someone else wants to pick up the Edgeworth Conspiracy for some reason, feel free to. From what I've heard though, it kind of decayed in later chapters.

[As the sporkers file into the theatre, memories of their last bout with “The Edgeworth Conspiracy” come flooding back…for all but one of their number, that is. While they await the beginning of the motion picture, they attempt to fill their companion in on the story…]

Gumshoe: Okay, pal. So, there was a murder at a graveyard, but the body had been stolen, and Damon Gant was the only witness.

Edgeworth: But, if I recall correctly, he was still the chief of police for some inane reason, so I had to convince him to testify.

Maya: Then Edgeworth and Damon Gant stood on each others’ heads to sneak out of the prison!

Gumshoe: Then they went back to the city, where I was chasing Wendy Oldbag on a tank. You should have seen it, pal!

Phoenix: Hold on, since when was she in this story?

Maya: Oh, she was guarding the graveyard, but she pulled out a laser pistol and tried to kill Mr. Edgeworth!

Gumshoe: Fortunately, Ema Skye was there to save him with a well-timed Snackoo throw.

Phoenix: That only made me more confused than before, but, uhh…A for effort, I guess.

Edgeworth: I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Trying to make sense of this story’s excuse for a plot is a task too difficult for even the most brilliant scholars of our time.

Maya: Anyway, once Gumshoe caught Oldbag in the limo, it turned out that Redd White was driving! And then it was revealed that Redd White was Edgeworth’s father!

Gumshoe: Oh yeah, that’s it. Good thinking, Mr. Edgeworth! But yeah, that’s where the story left off.

Phoenix: Wait, who was whose father?

Gumshoe: No, Oldbag was Redd White’s mother!

Phoenix: And Edgeworth was the father?

Edgeworth: Don’t be ridiculous! I’m not even involved!

Maya: Guys, I’m calling it now! I bet Nick was the father!

[Before the group can respond to Maya’s prediction, a voice comes in over the speakers.]

Speakers: Hello, everyone! Sorry I’m late! The last guy to run this fic got sacked, and we all know what happens to narrators who get sacked, so it was pretty tough to find a replacement. I was the only guy willing to take a shot at it, but I just came back from a Jazzercise class. And boy, let me tell you, it was intense! I’m just glistening with sweat over here! But man, my butt’s gonna be so toned in a few days. Maybe then that cute secretary on the seventh floor will get a coffee with me! ...Wait, what we were talking about again?

Phoenix: …I’d like to ask the same thing.

Edgeworth: I believe most modern psychologists could find five diagnoses in that one speech…

Speakers: Anyway, let’s get this show started, huh? Are you guys psyched? Cause I sure as hell am!

Phoenix: Uh, wait…I’m certain the answer to this will just leave me with even more questions, but what am I doing here? I didn’t even see the first two chapters.

Speakers: Oh yeah, that’s why the last guy got sacked. He accidentally brought that weird Justice dude instead, even though he wasn’t even in the fic. So then we had to take him to court, and that’s never fun. Our court system is a pretty messy affair, which is why it took us so long to get this fic out again. At least twenty people died during the litigation, and by the verdict four more went missing!

Maya: Wow, and I thought our trials were bad!

Phoenix: Yeah, at least I’ll never have to put my own life on the line to defend someone…

Speakers: Anyway, that’s enough talk. Let’s start the show! Everyone get to your seats in three seconds or I’ll blow up the theatre!

Maya: Wait, what?!

Speakers: Nah, I’m only kidding. But, uh, I should probably warn you. We had a pretty wild party here last night and may have left a few ‘surprises’ behind. Just be careful out there, okay?

[Heeding his advice, the four unfortunate sporkers cautiously make their way to their seats. The lights dim and the screen lights up. The production begins.]

Spoiler: Chapter 3

Speakers: Before we begin the next chapter, let’s take a quick look at this story’s description to get hyped up again!

Quote:

an EPIC SAGA starring Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth can they solve the enigmatic plot that is THE LAW

Edgeworth: Well, I suppose it did have an “enigmatic” plot…but perhaps not for the reasons the author intended.

Gumshoe: Hey, why is Mr. Edgeworth’s name after Mr. Wright’s? All Mr. Wright did in the last chapter was get a tank driven into his building.

Phoenix: Excuse me?

Edgeworth: Unfortunately, that may mean he’s more relevant to the plot later on.

Quote:

Disclaimer: I don't own Ace Attorney, and I don't profit from this.

copter 3:

Maya: Hey, I remember that disclaimer from last time!

Edgeworth: I suppose, if anything, it’s a good thing he doesn’t receive any money for this abomination.

Phoenix: Uhh…is anyone gonna comment on ‘copter 3?’

Gumshoe: Too easy, pal.

Quote:

phoenix and maya where in the wright law office and everything was on fire and exploding and everything was all destroyed except for charley.'

"nick theres a whole in the wall where gumshoe drove tank through building" said maya

Phoenix: Wow, Gumshoe, I don’t remember you mentioning this earlier. You weren’t trying to hide your reckless driving from me, were you?

Speakers: Okay, y’know what? Screw you too! You guys don’t even have to clean up the theatres; you’re literally watching movies for free! Is it too much to ask to just get a little respect and common decency?

Phoenix: Show us some actually good movies, and maybe we’ll think about it.

Quote:

"hEY NICK THE ROOF IS CAVING IN" said maya

"oK I GET IT MAYA SHIT CALM THE FUK DOWN IM BUSY" screaed phonix and he was PISSED because the fucking telephone was ringing AGAIN

Maya: Geez, Nick, I know the roof is caving in, but calm down!

Phoenix: Yeah, this version of me seems pretty high-strung…though apparently the telephone ringing is ticking him off more than the office’s falling to pieces.

Maya: Eh, who cares about the office, anyway! Charley’s the one who really brings in the clients, and he’s fine!

Quote:

"who the fuck is this now" sad phoenix

"hello is this phoenix wright I need defense attorney"

Edgeworth: That’s hardly any way to greet prospective clients…

Gumshoe: Wait, ‘Sad Phoenix?’ Is this version of Mr. Wright okay? He went from totally enraged to depressed in a matter of seconds!

"ema was sneaking around the crime scene so we think she did it" said edgeworth

"ok that seems convincing" the judge said "im gonna declare a vedrict now"

Gumshoe: Wow, he really is gettin’ old!

Edgeworth: Oh, come on…I haven’t even presented any evidence yet.

Phoenix: I think it’s a bad sign that this is the most accurate depiction of our court system I’ve seen in a while…

Gumshoe: No way, pal. This isn’t how it happens at all!

Quote:

"OBJECTION" said phoenix "what about my cross examine"

"who cares" said judge

Phoenix: I rest my case.

Quote:

"but edgeworth what about the MYSTERY" pleded phoenix

"oh yeah fine" said edgeworth "there was also a MYSTERY"

Phoenix: The MYSTERY?

Edgeworth: Yes, that is how the author chooses to refer to the subject of the body’s disappearance…I suppose they think holding shift will emphasize the topic’s importance.

Phoenix: Wait, maybe it’s in all caps because it’s an acronym. It could stand for Missi--

Maya: Hey, Nick! I already made that joke last time we watched this!

Phoenix: Oh, whoops.

Quote:

"WHAAAT" shouted the judge "well that changes everything we have to continue to find out how mystery happen"

"that was close" said luke atmey

Maya: Huh? What’s Luke Atmey doing here?

Phoenix: Saying, ‘That was close,’ apparently.

Edgeworth: I cannot comprehend the bizarre mental lengths one would have to go to to confuse Mr. Wright for Luke Atmey…I fear this may have been intentional.

Quote:

"the prosecution calls defective gumshoe to the stand" said edgeworth

Gumshoe: Hey, I’m no defector! I’ve been a faithful member of the police force for years!

Maya: Or have you? Maybe that’s where the conspiracy comes into play?

Speakers: Y’know, I did notice that one of the other works by this author was titled ‘The Gumshoe Conspiracy…’ There might be credence to that theory!

Gumshoe: Aw, man…Why do all of these authors just want to drag my name through the mud…

Quote:

"hi pals" said gumshoe

"testify" said the judge

"ok pal ema was at crime scene so we think it was her"

Edgeworth: What an absolutely awful testimony…

Gumshoe: Hey, don’t get mad at me! This whole thing was your idea.

Edgeworth: Don’t remind me…

Quote:

"OBJECTION" said phoenix "but she got their AFTER the murder happen"

"oh yeah but her fingerprints were on the murder weapon we found it at the crime scene"

Edgeworth: What murder weapon?

Phoenix: Wait, how do they know how the victim died if the victim’s corpse disappeared?

Edgeworth: Better yet, why did the author just pull this weapon out of thin air rather than letting us see the investigators find it?

Quote:

"OBJECTION" said phoenix "but the killer had the gun with them when they left graveyard"

"that was a different gun pal" said gums hoe

"oh" said phoenix

Maya: Uhh…Am I the only one who has no idea what’s going on?

Phoenix: I think all the characters have ascended to a higher plane of existence and left us mere mortals to gawk at their arcane language.

Gumshoe: Whoa, does that mean I’m like a god now? Sweet!

Quote:

"hurry up and get to the fucking mystery" said the judge

Maya: Geez! Guys, is the Judge okay?

Phoenix: Honestly, I think a lot of this case makes more sense if we assume the Judge is on drugs.

Edgeworth: That kind of logic applies to most of these fics…

Quote:

"oh yeah so here is the mystery pal… we NEVER FOUND THE VICTIMS BODY"

"WHAAAT" gasped phoenix and maya and pearl

Maya: Huh? Since when has Pearly been here?

Phoenix: Maybe she’s actually several miles away, but that incredible plot twist resonated through the whole city.

Gumshoe: With how many times they’ve mentioned it, it’s kinda lost its impact though…

Quote:

"oh yeah I was wondering who the victim was" said edgewroht

Edgeworth: What crime is Ema even on trial for here? Not only is there no victim, but there’s no proof that a murder even occurred besides an uncooperative witness. This case would have never gone to court!

Gumshoe: Honestly, I think Ema might be the only person here who hasn’t committed some kinda crime by now…

Phoenix: And the author’s committed several crimes against humanity.

Quote:

"ok phoenix wright hurry up and solve this mystery or you go to prison" ordered the judge

Gumshoe: Besides, wasn’t he executed? And if not, how’d he get out of jail?

Maya: I think this plot twist was supposed to blow our minds, but I’m just confused.

Phoenix: The author probably just pulled a name out of a hat right before this scene…

[The chapter finally concludes, but the lights remain dimmed. Upon noticing this, just one question is on the sporkers’ minds…]

Edgeworth: How much more of this trite do we have to endure?

Speakers: Oh, don't worry, there’s plenty more! We’ve got two more chapters lined up in the projector, ready to go!

Gumshoe: Aww…

Maya: Cheer up, Gumshoe! At least we’re suffering together, right?

Gumshoe: I’d rather not suffer at all.

Speakers: That’s very true, Ricky! In fact, have you ever noticed how the history of humankind has been one of individual nations inflicting suffering on one another just to lessen their own? And even then, the most prosperous nations are unable to combat the suffering they bring upon themselves? It really makes you think about the futility of human existence, huh?

"why the fuk didnt you do that in the first place in stead of blaming me edgeworth you buttface" shouted ema

"lol idk" said edgeworth

Phoenix: More displays of cunning logic from Edgeworth.

Gumshoe: Is this supposed to be set during that ‘Dark Age of the Law’ or something?

Edgeworth: All lawyers being struck with complete ineptitude…Those would be dark times indeed.

Quote:

"ok then, gant is GUILTY" said Judge

"you cant do that Im the fuckin chief of police" said gant

"oh right sorry" said the Judge "mr wright, accuse someone else"

Maya: Here we go again…

Edgeworth: Why did the judge attempt to declare Gant guilty while Ema was on trial?

Phoenix: These are the kinds of questions that keep me up at night.

Quote:

"TAKE THAT" said phoenix and he presented himself

"no"

Maya: Geez, Phoenix, the Judge just shut you down!

Phoenix: I would’ve shut myself down too if I was in that bench.

Edgeworth: If I was in that bench, I would shut down this entire trial.

Quote:

"TAKE THAT" said phoenix and he presented the real killer

"be serious wright"

Maya: Maybe this is foreshadowing! We gotta think about who in this case would make the Judge react like that!

Phoenix: Uhh…me again?

Gumshoe: Probably Mr. Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Perhaps the Judge himself.

Quote:

"sorry, just kidding" said wright "TAKE THAT" and he presented oldbag

"yeah that makes sense since she was at crime scene and got arrested for tryin to kill edgeworth" said maya

"I don't give a fuck if oldbag actually did any thing, just send her to jail" said edgeworth

Edgeworth: Why is this the most reasonable accusation anyone’s made in this entire trial?

Gumshoe: Well, I assume the part where he accused the real killer was fairly reasonable…

Maya: Apparently it wasn’t good enough for the Judge, though.

Phoenix: I guess you just can’t please everybody.

Quote:

"we cant unless you prove it was her" said Judge

"what about sending her to prison for trying to kill ME" shouted edgewort

"so what who gives a shit" siad judge

Phoenix: Man, the logic here just keeps getting more and more impressive.

Edgeworth: While his argument was, well…poorly phrased, he did have a point. This is apparently the trial for Manfred von Karma’s murder, so while Oldbag’s assault of me could be seen as an example of an inclination to criminal behavior, it is for the most part irrelevant to the case.

Phoenix: I’m sure we say this a lot, but I really don’t think they put that much thought into it.

Edgeworth: Oh, of course not. But it is intriguing how the author can fail at logic so utterly and yet still be correct. Though I suppose you’d already know a thing or two about that, Mr. Wright.

Phoenix: Excuse me?

Quote:

"alright testify you fcking oldbag" said edgeworht

"EDGEY-POO IM SORRY FOR SHOOTING YOU I LOVE YOU PLEASE TAKE ME BACK EDGEY-POO" said oldbag

Gumshoe: Hey, there’s no way Edgeworth would refer to someone so crudely, at least not in public!

Edgeworth: Not even in private would I stoop to such levels of putrid vernacular.

Maya: Not even if you accidentally dropped that Steel Samurai figure out your office window?

Edgeworth: Hmm…I’ll admit, you may have a point there…

Quote:

"shut up and testify" said pheonox

"about what whippersnapper" said old bag

"why was RED WHITE helping you escape" shouted phoenix

"I told you whippersnappers, hes my illegitimate son" said the oldbag

Edgeworth: Where is this discussion going again? I believe I’ve totally lost the thread.

Phoenix: I think we’re trying to prove Oldbag is the murderer…which involves delving into her love life, apparently.

Maya: This author has a lot of interest in Oldbag’s love life, huh? I wonder why?

Phoenix: …Let’s not even think about that.

Quote:

"WHAAAAAT" shouted judge "we had a illegitimate son together?"

"no not with you" said oldbag "with blaze debest"

Phoenix: Who?

Edgeworth: Blaise Debeste. He was--

Speakers: Hey! No talking about that! Not a lot of people know about him!

Edgeworth: …Excuse me?

Gumshoe: Wait, hold on…Does this mean the Judge and Oldbag were…

Phoenix: Alright, seriously! Let’s not think about that!

Quote:

"I asked the security to let him out" said oldbag

"that makes since" said edgeworth

Maya: Huh? No it doesn’t!

Edgeworth: Is there anyone in this fic’s justice system with a shred of competence?

Gumshoe: Well…that mailman in the trench coat must be pretty good to deliver letters to the whole town!

Phoenix: Murderers may be on the loose, but at least I can still get Larry’s Christmas cards on time.

Quote:

"oldhag did you kill von karma" yelled phoenix

"no" said oldbag

Phoenix: Huh, I’m surprised that didn’t work.

Quote:

"MR PAL IM BACK" said gumshoe and he got back to courtroom with new evidences

"good job detective" said edgey "testify about new evidence"

"ok pal" said gummy "so it turns out gun wasnt murder weapon at all it was this shovel"

Gumshoe: Wait, what gun? I don't remember any gun.

Edgeworth: Yes, we were wondering the same thing before. It seems everyone simply made up this mysterious gun and claimed it to be the true murder weapon.

Gumshoe: Huh, you’d think they could have told the difference between a gunshot wound and blunt force trauma just from the picture…

Phoenix: Yeah, you would think that, but I don’t think the writer cares much for our thoughts.

Quote:

"were did shovel come from" asked edgeworth

"no idea pal" said gumshoe

"OBJECTION" some body shouted and every onelooked around to see how objected and they looked at the witness stand and it was dAMON GANT

"ok" said gant "I will testify now"

Edgeworth: Finally. If he had testified from the beginning, most of this trial wouldn’t have happened…

Maya: Aww, but then we never would have found the truth about Redd White’s father!

Edgeworth: I’m almost certain that I could have lived with that.

Quote:

"damon gant how did you escap from prison" gasped judge

"edgeworth let me out" said gant

Phoenix: Really? Is this true?

Gumshoe: It sure was! A bunch of us all stacked up on his head, put on a trench coat, and snuck away!

Edgeworth: I’d say it wasn't my finest moment, but I don’t think this version of myself has ever had a fine moment.

Quote:

"about fukin time you testifed" said phoe nix

"gant" said edgewarth "where did the shovel come from"

"the killer was using it... for GRAVE ROBBING" shouted phoenix and he backflipped in surprise and hit the people in the stands

Phoenix: Why did I backflip in surprise at something I said?

Edgeworth: I’d assume that line was meant for Gant, unless you’ve suddenly developed psychic powers.

Gumshoe: I’m more curious about this “backflipping in surprise” part…Do people actually do that?

Maya: I don’t think so, but it sounds impressive. Maybe I should give it a shot!

Phoenix: Just don't whack your head on the audience like I did. That’s not fun for anyone involved.

Quote:

"then manfred showed up an sees the killer grave robbing so the killer hits vonkarma with shovel"

Edgeworth: So Manfred Von Karma, a convicted murderer, just happened to be walking through this graveyard while the killer was there?

Maya: Well, it was right next to the prison, and we all saw what their security was like!

Phoenix: So Von Karma’s crafty prison escape was thwarted by a random grave robber? How tragic.

Gumshoe: Maybe it was actually some kinda twisted, grave robbing vigilante who hid outside the prison dealing justice with his shovel!

Phoenix: …Honestly, I could buy that.

Quote:

then what happened "said edgeworth"

"then the killer runs away with body they robbed from grave and then you guys show up to investigate" finished gant

Phoenix: Did he really have to include that last part?

Edgeworth: Considering the police force’s track record here, it’s probably a miracle if they even show up at the crime scene…

Quote:

"hmm"

"mr wright do that cross examination thing" said judge

"chief gant" said pheonix "what grave got robbed"

"it was GREGORY EDGEWORTH" shouted gant

Edgeworth: Oh, bloody hell…Did they really have to drag my father into this?

Gumshoe: Yeah, come on! That’s too far, pal!

Phoenix: Well at least they didn’t try to make him the killer or something…That must have taken quite a lot of restraint.

Quote:

"WHAAAAAT" screamed edgemorth "WHO THE FUCK DID THIS" and edgeworth ran out of courtroom and stole klavior gavins motorcycle to hunt down the grave robber

Phoenix: Language aside, this might be the most in-character thing Edgeworth’s done in the whole fic.

Edgeworth: Nonsense…I wouldn't be caught dead riding one of those contraptions.

Maya: I dunno, Mr. Edgeworth, maybe you should give it a shot! I can see it now…You could put on your sunglasses and drive your crimson hog down the freeway, pulling a sick wheelie while your cravat flutters majestically in the wind!

Gumshoe: Wow, that sounds awesome! If I had the money, I’d totally buy you a motorcycle, Mr. Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: …Detective, I must politely ask that you save your salary and never recall that mental image again.

Quote:

"well since edgeworth ran off I guess we cant continue the trail" said judge "unless we get new prosecutor I will declare recess"

"OBJECTION" shouted a new voice and it was clavier gavin

"well since edgeworth stole my motorcycle I guess Im stuck hear so I will prosecute" said clavier

"ok" said judge

Maya: Man, if only we could pull something like this. Trial not going well? Just steal some guy’s car and let them handle it!

Phoenix: I’m pretty sure that’d cause quite a few scandals…but I guess sticking around tends to have the same effect when we’re involved.

Quote:

"OBJECTION" said nick "thats not clavier gavin its KRISTOPH PERTENDING TO BE HIS BROTHER"

"fuck" said kristop "how did you know"

"whatever who cares" said judge "kristoph can prosecute"

"ok gant get back to the fuckin testimony" said kristoph "who was grave robber"

Edgeworth: Exactly how many convicted murderers are wandering around in this city?

Maya: Hmm…What if the real prison is the city itself?

Phoenix: Actually, that’d make sense. I mean, most of the characters have probably broken plenty of laws in this chapter alone.

Gumshoe: Hey, I’d never break any laws! I’m an agent of the law through and through.

Maya: Even when you drove that tank through the city and wrecked several buildings?

Gumshoe: Well, I was enforcing the law by chasing down two dangerous criminals…That’s gotta count for something, right?

Phoenix: I don’t know if I should be awe-struck or afraid.

Quote:

"ok gant get back to the fuckin testimony" said kristoph "who was grave robber"

"the same person edgeworth just ran off to find" said gant "his dad"

Edgeworth: …

Phoenix: You know, I thought I’d already lost all my faith in this author, but I think I must have just lost some more faith that I hadn’t even realized I had left.

Gumshoe: Wait a minute, this doesn't even make sense. Why was he robbing his own grave?…How was he robbing his own grave?

Edgeworth: I would assume the answer is as bizarre and inconsequential as the rest of this story.

Quote:

"WHAT THE SHIT" said maya who everybody forgot about

Maya: Hey, why’d everyone forget about me!

Phoenix: I guess because you haven't had any lines in a while…which is probably a good thing for your sake.

"OBJECTION" shouted nick "if gregory edgeworth was killer then HOW WAS HE GRAVE ROBBER"

Gumshoe: Oh, that’s what I was asking!

Quote:

"shut up wright he robbed his own grave obviously" said gant

"oh" said nick feeling stupid

Gumshoe: Huh? Wait, that didn’t answer my question at all…

Edgeworth: See? I told you this would happen earlier. Once the author themselves has given up, all hope is lost.

Quote:

"ok"said judge "we will have court recess while the police look for killer"

TO BE CONTINENTAL

Maya: “To be continental?” Was that the motto of the pioneers or something?

Phoenix: Maybe the conspiracy here is Edgeworth’s upcoming quest to take over uncharted lands and subjugate the native peoples there.

Edgeworth: Honestly, I don’t think I’d care at this point.

[The lights come back on yadda yadda]

Gumshoe: Just one chapter left, everyone. We’ve got this, guys! We can do it!

Phoenix: I’m not sure about that, honestly…Can I at least use the bathroom first?

Speakers: Of course not! You guys are in this for the long haul, got it? But as for those of you watching this whole she-bang, a quick bathroom break might be necessary right now, or maybe a refill on your supply of potato chips. Either one!

Edgeworth: Is there any point in watching yet another chapter? We only watched two last time. Why add a third?

Speakers: Well, who knows if we’re gonna watch anymore chapters of this thing, and you wouldn’t want to be left with a cliffhanger like that, right?

Phoenix: Honestly, I don’t think I would mind.

Maya: But we haven’t even gotten to the conspiracy yet!

Edgeworth: I’m uncertain that this story even has this so-called “conspiracy”...It was probably little more than a marketing ploy.

Gumshoe: Well, that sounds like a conspiracy to me, pal.

Speakers: Oh, just get back into your seats! This silly banter is only dragging out the time it’s gonna take you to watch this, you know!

Gumshoe: Alright, alright! Geez…

[The sporkers let out a sigh as the lights dim for the last time.]

Spoiler: Chapter 5

Quote:

Disclaimer: I don't own Ace Attorney, and I don't profit from this.

clapper ten divide by 2

Phoenix: I guess it’s a relief to know the author’s learned basic division.

Gumshoe: They still can’t spell chapter though...

Maya: Hey, who knows? Maybe they’re a total math whiz, but just flunked out of their English courses!

Edgeworth: If so, there are much better uses of their time than this…

Quote:

miles edgeworth ran out of the courts room because he just heard that HIS DAD WAS THE KILLER

"I half two find my father" said edgeworth and he drove really fast in his sports car

Edgeworth: Oh please, my car is not anywhere near being called a “sports car”.

Phoenix: Yeah, it’s just really shiny, fast, and expensive.

Maya: And decked out in white wall tires!

Gumshoe: And more expensive than my apartment!

Edgeworth: Whose side are you lot on here?

Quote:

"OBJECTION" shouted godot and it was godot and he pointed his coffee mug at the car and it stopped

"OH SHIT GODOT GET OUT OF THE ROAD" screamed edgeworth and he tried to stop befour he hit godot but he couldnt stop and his car backflipped over godot

Phoenix: I thought the car stopped?

Maya: The ride never stops around here, Nick.

Gumshoe: Ooh boy, the insurance payout on that car will be rough! I’m so sorry, Mr. Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Does anyone care that Godot just appeared for absolutely no reason?

Phoenix: I’m just along for the ride at this point.

Quote:

"what the fuk are you doin in road" said edgeworth to godot "actualy what the fuk are you doin outta jail"

"I needed coffee" said godot "the important thing iswhat the fuck YOU are doing"

Maya: What, is the jailhouse brew not good enough for you, Godot?

Gumshoe: I think the prison just gets whatever we don't drink at the precinct…

Edgeworth: There are endless possibilities to choose from here, but I frankly could not care less about this maniac’s attempts to re-write our lives.

Quote:

"run for your life nickers" said gumshoe and they ran away from shelly de killer

Maya: That line delivery sounded kinda threatening. Are we sure that Mr. Gumshoe isn’t responsible for everything?

Gumshoe: Hey, I wouldn’t do any of this stuff!

Edgeworth: I would assume the author is blind to our issues with his work.

Quote:

"have a nice day" said shelly de killer and he jumped into a getaway helicopter and flew away

"oh shit everybody run hurry we have to find a phone and call edgeworth" said phoenix

Edgeworth: He jumped into it how? Was this discussion taking place in the destroyed courtroom?

Maya: I think the real question is…who was the getaway pilot?

Edgeworth: One more thing: why is everyone in such a rush to get away? The assassin is leaving.

Phoenix: He’s got gatling guns.

Quote:

TO BE CONTRADICTION

Phoenix: Nice.

Edgeworth: I must say, I would be quite pleased to never see this one again.

Maya: But what about the conspiracy?

Phoenix: I think I’ve already had enough conspiracy for a lifetime.

Gumshoe: Aww…I never got to drive the tank again…

[Just like that, it’s finally over. The lights of the theatre brighten once again, and the doors swing open.]

Phoenix: What a relief. I feel like I’ve been here for days.

Speakers: Well, one could say you have. Time passes a little differently in this particular theatre. While you were watching this film, over two years have passed in the real world!

Gumshoe: What!

Speakers: Kidding, kidding! You’ll all be returned to your normal times.

Gumshoe: Oh, phew. All my library books would have been so overdue!

Edgeworth: Well, there’s no point in lingering here. We’d best all get going.

[As the sporkers begin to depart, the speaker calls out to them.]

Speakers: Oh, come on, stick around a while! It gets so lonely around here these days!

Maya: Nah, I think we’ll just get going.

Speakers: Geez, come on! You guys are the only people I have to talk to now!

Phoenix: Don’t you have the other people who run this stupid thing?

Maya: Yeah, and that secretary on floor seven!

Speakers: Don’t you know? They all died in a horrible accident! I’m the only one left! Why do you think it took so long to get you guys back here? Why do you think we don’t do as many showings here as we used to?

Phoenix: …You’re making this up, aren’t you?

Speakers: Why would I make this up? I just made up all those stories earlier cause I didn’t wanna kill the mood! But the truth is…I’m all alone now…

Gumshoe: Aww, no. That’s awful. We can’t just leave him here.

Maya: Yeah! I mean, come on guys, we might not even have to go here again in a while! Might as well do something good before we leave!

Edgeworth: Hmm…I suppose if this fellow really is the last of his kind, we could do him the benefit of staying for a little longer.

Maya: Yeah! You know what I mean, right, Nick?

Phoenix: …No. You’re making this up. No way you’ve just been faking the whole time.

Gumshoe: Aw, come on, pal! Cut the guy some slack…

Speakers: You really think I would try to trick you like that, Nicky?

Phoenix: …Yes.

[The theatre fills with an uncomfortable silence for a while. Eventually…]

Speakers: Well you don’t have to sound so excited! Fine! If you want to go so bad, then go!

[A burst of wind started blowing through the room, lifting up the four sporkers and carrying them, screaming, out of the theatre. Once they were gone, the doors slammed shut with a loud thud, leaving the room devoid of sound and light.]

Speakers: Ah, finally some peace and quiet! Now, where did I put that remote… Oh, whaddaya know?! It was in my hand all along! Silly me!

Speakers: Now, time to check out some of this new material from Floor 5. Hopefully there’s something nice and juicy in here!

Speakers: What’s this?! Ugh, those hooligans on Floor 5 played a prank on me! They’ll regret the day they crossed me. Time to give them a piece of my mind!

[And so, another day at the sporking theatre ends, with promises of vengeance not far behind it. Would the Edgeworth Conspiracy rear its ugly head again? Or would the truth of the story be lost for all eternity? Only time will tell…or not tell, as the case may be.]

Author:

DJJ680 [ Wed Jan 02, 2019 5:06 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Whew! This took forever to get done! Good to see that I’m not alone in getting this forum back!

Anyway, Happy New Year, everyone!

Attorney-assia Part 2

Continuing from part 1...

Phoenix: Well, we’ve already got a micronation and Kristoph wanting to take it over. How else can this fic jump the shark?

Edgeworth: I await with baited breath.

Spoiler:

Quote:

"You committed a murder in court Three years ago, I convicted you...you are most likely escaped and you called me up saying 'it's time..' as if I am supposed to know what that means!" Klavier mimicked the way Kristoph spoke when he called him up...the latter however was not amused at his brother's ignorance.

Apollo: If I were Prosecutor Gavin, I’d be more surprised that my murderous, psychopathic brother is out of prison.

Edgeworth: I think we’ve established that this story doesn’t take place in reality.

Quote:

"Get on the wagon Klavier!" Kristoph hastily snapped, his bangs slowly starting to turn super saiyian. "It's the take over of Mollosia."

"The take over of what?" Klavier's face twisted into the exact same confused expression Kristoph had on him a little while earlier...

Maya: What does the author mean by super saiyian?

Apollo: When I cornered Mr. Gavin as a killer, his breakdown involved his hair flying and him looking like someone from Dragon Ball.

Maya: Ohhhhh.

Phoenix: Still not the most intense breakdown I’ve seen.

Quote:

"Hang on...I got am call on the other line.." Before Klavier could quickly protest, the line went dead as Kristoph switched to the 'other line'.

"Hello?" He responded.

"Yeah, what does this 'it's time' thing you mentioned earlier?" The voice of Trucy Wright responded, her father right behind her as she said this.

Kristoph pinched the bridge of his nose and rolled his eyes before he responded. "Miss Wright...do you not know what Mollosia is?"

All of Trucy's muscles froze on the spot...she really didn't expect the voice...that clear, yet raspy and blood curdling voice...the voice of the same man that... "Hi Kristoph!" Now it's Phoenix's turn to freeze all of HIS muscles...

Apollo: Trucy seems awfully calm for speaking to the man who killed her biological father.

Phoenix: What has this story done to my daughter?!

Maya: Clearly, she’s been taken over by the evil author who doesn’t understand her character at all!

Edgeworth: I think there are multiple authors who fit that category, Miss Fey.

Maya: Well this is Author Number...um...something!

Quote:

"Trucy...why are you calmly speaking...to....him?" Trucy just shot him a terrified glare, a warning on not to set Kristoph of...

"Um...Miss Wright, i asked you a question." Before Kristoph could continue, Trucy answered seriously for once!

Phoenix: Well at least I have some sense in this story.

Edgeworth: More than I can say for your actual self.

Phoenix: Hey!

Maya and Apollo: *snicker*

Quote:

"What's a Mollosia?" Trucy raised both of her eyebrows as her adoptive father answered for her.

Edgeworth: How would you know what or where Mollassia was? You’re not exactly well versed in geography.

Phoenix: So not true!

Edgeworth: Prove it. What’s the capital of Liberia?

Phoenix: Ha! Easy! Um...Liberia City?

Edgeworth: *smugly grins*

Phoenix: Showoff.

Quote:

"No..still don't know what you want with an acre of land...or why you said 'it's time..'" Aaaaaand...it's gone.

"Hang a got another call! Hello?"

"It's 3:23 PM!" A shriek, cheery voice sang on the other end of the line. Kristoph made yet another confused face as he answered to that particular person. "What?"

Maya: Who do you suppose he’s talking about?

Phoenix: Atmey?

Quote:

"You asked what time it was Krissy!" Oh God...why did Kristoph ask him of all people? Was he that desperate?

"No...Damon...I said it IS time." Damon Gant only kept the cheeky grin he held as the whole time, his eyes were clamped shut under his pink spectacles.

Phoenix and Edgeworth: *jaw drops, stares at screen*

Quote:

"Yes Krissy! And that time is 3:2..oh wait..it's 3:24 now..." He double checked his wrist watch to confirm his fact. "Well on your end at least Krissy!"

"ONE! Stop calling me that! TWO! What do you mean on MY end? Where are you know!?"

"I'm in Heaven! Literally!" Kristoph's jaw popped right out of his skull and fell right down to his desk.

Maya: Wait, if he’s in heaven, how is he able to make phone calls?

Edgeworth: Better question. How did he even know about this? Gavin didn’t even call him.

Quote:

"I thought you were still imprisoned...and by what you said, I suspected you moved to a prison in some other country..." Kristoph mumbled as he fixed his jaw back onto his skull...metaphorically...not literally! Did you really think it would just plop of?

"No! I escap'd from priiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiison a long time ago." Kristoph slowly twisted his eyebrows at the mere mention on what he said. "What?"

Apollo: Given the contents of this story, I kinda did think that his jaw literally dropped off his face.

Phoenix: Why is Gant emphasizing the “i” in prison so much.

Edgeworth: It might be a mistake by the author. Unless...”

Quote:

"Yes! I escap'd from priiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiison! You really can't belive what my adventure was! I married Matt Engarde, we killed Obama and David Cameron...we stole a seahorse virus that impregnates men, we had a son called Trevor Gantgarde...also Edgeworth and Wendy Oldbag got married and all of the prosecutors chased us down..i was also killed by a man in blakc! And the man in blakc was-" Before Damon could finish his life story and realize every little detail about him was huge massive fanfic which events only happened to him and only him, Kristoph cut the line and proceeded to the next line. Who could possibly be next?

Edgeworth: *facepalm* Did the author seriously reference THAT story?

Phoenix: I...believe so.

Apollo: What story is that?

Maya: You don’t want to know. Trust me.

Quote:

"Hel...lo?" Kristoph had had enough of repeatedly speaking over and over through an I-phone this entire time...what maniac did he call up to stupidly respond to his call this time? He should really keep track on who he's calling...ugh...all of this just to take over a micro-nation.

"I am right behind you every step of the way Mr Gavin!" The annoyingly, shrill, commanding voice of the snot for brains that responded to him shot a bullet through Kristoph's giant lump of coal for a heart. Yes! Finally! Yes! Someone actually having a response and WANTING to take over Mollosia with him! Finally!

"Excellent, Paul! Excellent!" Kristoph's mouth slowly trans morphed into a sisterly goofy grin, too bad the good response came from a dummed down politician...or could he say...Paul... Atishon?

Apollo: Great. HE’S in this story now?

Phoenix: Well with Atmey, we already have one overinflated ego. One more Shouldn’t hurt.

Edgeworth: Except it already hurt.

Quote:

"Why thank you Mr Gavin. I will make sure KFC will be banished forever in our beloved country of America!" Wait...KFC getting banished? Aaaaaaaaand...it's gone. Gone all the praise Kristoph had for Paul earlier...gone.

Maya: I’m on board with this plan! KFC doesn’t even serve burgers!

Phoenix: Maya, not every place is required to serve burgers.

Maya: Well they should be!

Atishon expresses confusion about Molossia before Kristoph gets a call from Atmey.

Quote:

"Ah yes, Kristoph Gavin, I deduced it was you...I got 2:34 but I believe Damon Gant's watch is a lot more accurate." Luke spouted much to Kristoph's disdain...THESE were the 'competant' people he chose to call? "We are taking over the land of Mollosia you numb nuts!"

Apollo: Um...Mr. Gavin may be a murderous psychopath but I seriously doubt he’d ever use the phrase “numb nuts.”

Maya: Hehe. Numb nuts.

Quote:

"Why Mollosia?" Luke shifted both of his eyebrows in confusion. "It is an acre of land, is it not?"

"That is what makes it an easy target, now wait a moment i must make another call."

"Well cheerio then!"

Kristoph quickly switched channels...but ended up calling Atmey again by accident before switching back to that other channel that was calling him.

"It's time means it's time..." Kristoph tried to explain.

"Time for what!? Time to kill someone? What is up with your foolishly foolish mind, Gavin?" Kristoph came prepared as he plugged his ears to stop that horrific, sassy, yack yacking coming from Franziska Von Karma.

Edgeworth: Franziska should be much more concerned that a murderer is out of prison and contacting her.

Phoenix: Oh come on. It’s not like getting calls from murderers when you least expect it is an uncommon occurrence.

Edgeworth: Yes it is.

Quote:

"No..it's time to take over Mollosia?" He corrected.

"Why do you need Mollosia for? A sex dungeon?" And with that Kristoph ultimately regret ever decision of his life as he hung up on good ol' Franzy.

"The fool hung up on me..." Franziska pouted...

"Gee..Lang-zi wonders why..." Said person got a good ol' whipping because of that response.

Apollo: *shudder* The idea of Mr. Gavin needing a sex dungeon is just disturbing on every level.

Maya: Why would she come to the immediate conclusion that he needed a sex dungeon anyway?

Phoenix: Apparently, Franziska’s mind is much more dirty than we thought it was.

Edgeworth: Be thankful she’s not here to hear that.

Quote:

Meanwhile Kristoph had to answer a call of another old enemy...

"How the hell am I going to get to NEAVADA FROM KHURA'IN!" Kristoph let out a soft chuckle from the response Apollo had just gave him...ah how he missed his chords of steel...wait...is he showing feelings to Apollo!? No! No! He is Kristoph Gavin...the most evilest guy around! "Seriously, do i have to WALK there?"

Apollo: My ex-boss, who I got convicted, is calling me after two years of not speaking to him and THAT’S the first thing I say to him?

Phoenix: At this point, the fic should be called Underreacting: The Story.

Maya: That’s not a very creative title, Nick.

Phoenix: You have a better idea?

Maya: Um...

Phoenix: That’s what I thought.

Quote:

"I'll FLY you there!" Kristoph suddenly boomed. "Goodness, I can't even keep track on who he is even talking to."

"Um...okay?" Apollo really didn't need to give of the impression that Kristoph's OWN chords of steel are making him piss his pants right now.

Everyone but Apollo: *snicker*

Apollo: Oh come on! Mr. Gavin can be kinda scary sometimes.

Quote:

"Well, that reminds me! I have to call Ryuunosuke!"

"Who?"

"Wright's ancestor..."

"Oh yeah, his game didn't get localised..."

"So did Edgeworth's second game..."

"At least THEY got a sequel...all I got was Dual Destinies..."

Apollo: And Spirit of Justice!

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Apollo Justice that breaking the fourth wall is strictly prohibited.

Apollo: Oh come on! The fic gets to do it but we don’t?!

Speakers: Hey, we don’t make the rules.

Edgeworth: Actually, you do.

Speakers: ...touché. Tell you what. If the fic ever breaks the fourth wall again, the ban will be temporarily lifted so you can comment on it. Deal?

Phoenix: Sounds good to me.

Quote:

"3:26 PM!"

"SHUT UP GANT!"

Welp, since Kristoph could call FUCKING HEAVEN! And the twilight realm, conversing with the past and bringing them with the president would be a zilch! And since they used telegraphs...might as well text them...and the texting is already done and sent out...logic! Time to re talk to someone else.

"3:28 PM!"

Edgeworth: If by logic, you mean the complete absence of it, logic indeed.

Phoenix: I think we’ve established that this story doesn’t take place in reality, Edgeworth.

Maya: It would be cool to communicate with the past though.

Kristoph tells everyone to go to Molossia and that he booked everyone a hotel room.

Quote:

So...it seems that instead of one hotel room for each person...it was one rather spacious hotel room for everyone...for all of the twenty-two 'participents' were crammed into. The twenty-two people included:

"Um..." Athena momentarily stepped out of her area of flabbergast and finally had the formation to form words out of her lips..."Weren't you supposed to be you know...dead?"

The detective gave a soft chuckle, as sinister pupils formed within his eyes...suddenly giving a a quite tut tut...

"Miss Cykes, Miss Cykes, Miss Cykes..." He slowly began... "It will take more than a sniper shot to the head to kill me off, believe me; I got stabbed, exploded, thrown into outer space, dropped into a volcano, had a helicopter crash into me had my eye sprout bat wings, fly away and shot a laser canon from it's eye and had to go through all that torture shit in Danganronpa...I was the blackened every time..and i was found out every time...and survived every time..."

Maya: Fulbright is Superman confirmed!

Phoenix: But how did he sprout bat wings?

Maya: He’s also Batman! Duh!

Quote:

Athena's jaw dropped, she couldn't believe that such a madman is even still alive after all this time...the same man who...who...no..it can't be...and unfortunately it's time for her to fully get out of her area of flabbergast and into an area of horror...she was frozen with all the color drained from her skin looking on in terror as the phantom continued his life story nonchalantly...

"...And since I forgot every drop of personality I ever owned, this is the closest that I have...and why I'm getting out of character is beyond me, now where was I? Oh yes! EXCITED!" But Athena's look of terror said otherwise about this 'excitement'. "Was it something I said?"

Phoenix, Apollo, Edgeworth: Oh no...

Maya: Wait, who’s that?

Edgeworth: An international superspy who, along with Kristoph Gavin, helped start the Dark Age of the Law.

Phoenix: Speaking of which, I’m surprised that he isn’t charging at him right as he saw his most hated enemy.

Quote:

Now we must move away from the excitement a d get back to the pouting from the other end of the room with Apollo and Ema."I can't believe he dragged us all the way out here!"

"Tell me about it." The usually moody forensics investigator popped one of her chocolaty snacks , that she snatched from the packet she was holding, into her mouth, devouring it whole. "If I had one more day...who knows what kind of crazy shipping shit would happen."

"Why do I get the feeling you sound...relived?" Apollo rubbed his wooden bracelet out of habbit in case her tell might go off...

"Coming from the person who SHOULD be!" She shot back.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Apollo's face had a mixture of confusion and...well...maybe anger...mainly because of the confusion.

"Oh you didn't know?" Know it's Ema's turn to have a face of confusion. "I thought you knew you got shipped with half of the main female ace attorney cast."

"No..aren't you that prosecutor guy?" That mere word erased all the colour from Diego's brown skin, it was turning just as white as his hair used to be. "You wanted to get revenge on Dahlia, and make coffee poems..."

"NO!" Diego's current actions made Ray slowly pop his eyes right of their lids. "After the Hazukurain incident...I found a cure and returned to being an Attorney...that prosecutor cyclops me...that...that was the past." Diego looked away dramatically starring off into the far beyond...

Phoenix: He was able to find a cure for his condition that easily?

Maya: To be honest, I kinda liked his appearance before.

Quote:

Before his mind started to re-register every detail...he was ambushed by the fedora wearing attorney with a tremendous bear hug... "looks like someone needs a hug..."

Apollo: Oh...that’s not creepy at all.

Edgeworth: He does that all the time. You get used to it after a while.

Quote:

"You're already hugging me, and please...I'm already taken.."

"Woah! Did I really leave of that impression?"

"Yes you did..."

And across the room..yet again, we see Phoenix and Ryuunosuke..have a friendly bonding..

Maya: And the winner of the biggest underreaction award goes to...Nick!!

Phoenix: Great. I’m HONORED.

Quote:

"Yes it is, do you know what is even neater?" This peaked Phoenix's interest so he beckoned his ancestor to carry on. "Well back in my day, there was a jury who are a bunch of racist slugs, the prosecutor was a vampire and I met Sherlock Holmes..."

"Actually...that sounds less like a neat concept...and more like...hell..."

"How so?"

Phoenix: Well, couple that with my current life of physically abusive prosecutors, three day trials, laws that could kill lawyers for doing their jobs, and a madman who caused me to get disbarred who, for some reason, is out of jail and trying to take over a nation!

Edgeworth: I suppose tough situations run in your blood, Wright.

Kristoph enters the room and announces the plan.

Quote:

"We are going to do, the most ballsiest thing anyone has ever done..." He raised his fist in glory. "We are going to invade Mollosia!"

His booming voice was only met with a few vacant expressions and a large amount of silence...before it got broken by a certain forensics investigator. "What are we going to do with Mollosia?" She said while raising her hand in question. "Isn't it only an acre of land?"

Apollo: Again, how did an acre of land ever get to be a nation in the first place?

Phoenix: I suppose next they’ll make this theater a nation next.

Speakers: We tried. It didn’t work.

Edgeworth: Thank goodness for that.

Quote:

Kristoph let out a small cloud of air from his lips and softly chuckled to himself. "Skye...everyone here has that question...do you think anyone here wishes to address it?" To his dismay, a jungle of raised hands had met his gaze...Welp! Time to answer them, then!

"Did anyone of you ever wanted to own your nation? And rule it?" Only Rayfa's arm was suspended in the air now. "What is it?"

"I'm already queen of my OWN nation...do I get a pass and go home?" Kristoph's face blinked with a blank confused expression...he didn't really think of that...

"Yes, you may go home..." As Kristoph spoke the final letter, Rayfa was already out of the hotel and on her way back to her own kingdom.

Phoenix: Um...what was the point of that?

Maya: To pad out the fic even more?

Edgeworth: Well it succeeded.

Quote:

And then there was only twenty one of these idiots left.

Now Apollo has his arm raised...sighing, Kristoph allowed him to speak.

"She was the queen of her own kingdom, she was right there and unarmed...why didn't you just...attack her and take HER kingdom." His question got a response in the form of a pretty hard chuckle...

"Baby steps, Justice...Baby steps." He tutted. "It feels more controlling when you build up your nation from the ground up..pretty easier when the foundation was already made for you...even if i DID take over Khura'in..there wouldn't be a story now...would it?"

Oh..he had a point there, and with that...Apollo lowered his once raised arm.

Apollo: Actually, there would still be a story. It may not be the most pleasant of stories, but it would still be a story.

Maya: Also, why WOULDN’T he take the easier option?

Phoenix: Kristoph always was one to take up a challenge.

Quote:

"As I was saying, what might start out as one acre of land will blossom into something even more!" Now he was really getting into this speech now.

"Like TWO acres of land?" Franziska sarcastically implied raising his own arm.

Kristoph however was not amused at the prodigy's snarky remark. "You know Franziska...there's a group of people that are a lot like you..." A sense of darkness grew within his voice as he spoke. "THEY WERE CALLED NAZIS!"

Edgeworth: Is it really the best idea to be bringing up Nazis to a German?

Phoenix: Especially Franziska?

Quote:

"They were close minded, hate filled people that wanted everything there way!" Kristoph began pointing an accusing finger at Franziska as he began adding statements that were directly meant to target her. "To top it, they were not only facists and racists, they were obsessed with perfection and punished people!"

Everyone turned their gaze to the now sweating bullets's Von Karma heir.

"Are you Nazi, Franziska?"

Maya: Oh boy. He’s gonna get it now.

Quote:

Said person tried her best to look fierce in her answer.

"No..."

"Are you a Nazi, Franziska!" He raised his voice even more this time around.

"No!"

"ARE YOU A NAZI FRANZISKA!? BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT ANY NAZIS AROUND HERE!"

That...was the last straw...

All: Uh oh.

Quote:

Franziska spread her whip from her hands, letting it dance through the air before letting it rip as she began whipping some sense into Gavin.

"NO! I'M NOT A NAZI YOU FOOLISHLY FOOLISH FOOLISH FOOL THAT FOOLISHLY DREAMS FOOLISH DREAMS LIKE A FOOLISHLY FOOLISH FOOLISH FOOLISH FO-" A cold snag of air made her conscious to the popped out eyes staring at her actions...which she quickly retracted. A few more dirty looks were given which were quickly resolved by a good ol' explanation. "I'm not! I'm not! I'm not!"

All: ...

Phoenix: Y’know, on one hand, I kinda feel bad for Kristoph for getting whipped like that, but on the other hand, I don’t...

Apollo: Ditto.

Quote:

Kristoph...who finally recovered from his coma like shock regained his usual poster as if that torture session never happened. "Good...now let me tell you about a group of people that didn't give up. They were called...Nazis."

Edgeworth: Um...what?

Quote:

The last word made the child prodigy prosecutor storm to the other side of the room and constantly bang her head to drown out the foolish speech the foolish fool will foolishly give.

"They had a crazy plan too, everyone thought they were nuts. But you know what? They got pretty far didn't they?" Everyone in the room excluding a certain German prodigy, all seemed pretty interested with this speech...and might as well inherit the great inspiration coming from the speech. "Because they were dedicated!"

Everyone...except a certain whipper(snapper) gave a loud cheer at that statement.

"And strong!"

Everyone...except a certain silver haired adult in her mid twenties whooped for joy at those words.

Apollo: Wait, they’re actually cheering at being compared to Nazis?

Edgeworth: At the rate this story is going, I can’t say I’m surprised.

Quote:

Apollo began raising his had and answered his own raised hand in the process. "Actually...none of us are crazy, and no one says we're crazy." A lot of people in the room grumbled in agreement. "We are all either; idiots, psychopaths, morally blind, or driven insane lunatics...to top it off, half of us were convicted for murder."

A lot of 'oh's met Apollo's words.

"Even better, then!" Everyone 'ah'ed at Kristoph's inspiration...ish? Phrase. "Imagine this: first we take over Mollosia, then Texas, then the neighbours down the street, Kurain Village, Themis legal academy, Global studios, district court, Khura'in, and 19th century London. And then..." He pointed at Luke Atmey for a continued response.

"Then we'll get pizza, macoroni, pasta and finally..." This time he pointed at Blackquill for this response.

"Whet soba?" This time Kristoph slapped HIM silly.

"No! We would be done with food by then...after THAT it would be..." He prepared an evil pose just for this..."THE WORLD!"

Everyone cheered in unison for this marvelous inspirational speech by Kristoph Gavin.

Edgeworth: Marvelous? That speech made no sense, whatsoever, it compared a group of people to Nazis, and nobody in their right mind would go along with this plan.

Maya: I hated the part where he denied the burgers.

Phoenix: Of course you did.

Quote:

"So tell me...Are you a Nazi?" Everyone gave a half assed mumble in response. "Are a NAZI!?"

This time a WAY more enthusiastic response is given this time, it was so beautiful that Bobby and Paul shed a small tear. As the cheers faded, everyone got up and high fived each other for this brand new development. In midst of the crowd...Kristoph had to snatch away someone suitable for a certain role...and a certain Atishon fits the bill for that.

Phoenix: What could Atishon be good for in this circumstance?

Quote:

"Paul...I, being the future president for this great nation, need a vice president to keep things in check..since I'm a coal hearted bastard...I thought a coal hearted bitch was a good choice...but then I realised that the only coal hearted bitch I like isn't here...I decided to call upon the only political person out here. You are the perfect candidate for the job." He clutched Pal on the shoulder staring him in the eyes.

"Actually I was holding out for...President."

"That's all a Vice President does."

"Oh alright!"

Edgeworth: That’s...actually not that far off in some cases.

Apollo: Still, any country with HIM as ruler can’t end well.

Quote:

Kristoph turned away from Paul to greet his followers. "And now my friends..let's kick some MOLLOSIA!"

Everyone yelled a battle cry as the all raced outside the hotel room...every single one of them.

Phoenix: And then they all died from the assault.

Maya: Wow, Nick. That’s...Dark.

Phoenix: It would end this story quicker.

Phoenix: Well I guess we’re getting to the invasion next. This should be interesting...

TO BE CONTINUED

Author:

DrOcsid [ Mon Apr 08, 2019 7:01 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

You know what? Screw it, we’ve needed a new sporking for a while, so here, take one, goddammit.

phoenix wright turnabout portal

by jakkid166

Rating:

This story’s pretty fun, though it takes some time to really get entertaining. It's worth it for the last couple chapters, though.

And now, our sporkers!

Phoenix Wright! “Wait, what? I thought we were free of this guy!”

Maya Fey! “Yeah, we haven’t even seen him in, what, almost two years?”

Phoenix: There is no real killer, remember? No one died. We’re just chasing Manfred for trying to kill me.

Maya: I’m amazed you remember that, Nick.

Phoenix: It’s burned into my mind.

Quote:

"oh" say twilight "he go to canterlot""ok" say gumshoe "cme on lets go there phoenix"they went on train to canterlots

Phoenix: I guess that’s a location in the same world as this “Ponyville”?

Maya: Yeah, it’s, like, this big city jutting out of the side of a mountain.

Gumshoe: Sounds dangerous.

Phoenix: I didn’t know you knew much about this show, Maya.

Maya: Pearl has me watch it with her pretty often. It’s not bad, really!

Quote:

when they get there they run around looking for gumshoe but did not find him

Maya: So you did misremember, Nick! You and Gumshoe aren’t looking for Manfred, you’re looking for… Gumshoe.

Phoenix: Hilarious. Gee, I wonder how Gumshoe’s gonna find Gumshoe?

Gumshoe: I might as well just turn in my badge if I can’t even find myself.

Maya: Lots of people can’t find themselves. In a spiritual, metaphorical kind of way.

Quote:

"JERMA FARMA WHERE IS KARMA" sasid gumshoe

Phoenix: Jerma…

Maya: ...farma…

Gumshoe: ...where is Karma?

Management: Wait, is that a reference to Jerma985? World famous compact streamer slash YouTuber?

Phoenix: Uh. I don’t know. Maybe?

Maya: Why is the management joining in on the sporking?

Management: Oh. Uh, never mind me.

Quote:

"maybe hes in castle" say phoenix"ok" say gumshoe and they go to castle and went in the doorswhen they go in there was big pony call princess celsstia"WOAH FUCK" say gumshoe "das big pony"

Phoenix: Nice job, Gumshoe. We find the Princess of this land and the first thing you do is swear at her.

Gumshoe: Well, that is a big pony.

Quote:

"ur under arest for murder" say celestia"WAT" say gumshoe and pheonix

Phoenix: Uh, yeah, “wat” indeed. What the hell happened? Did some pony die and we got framed for it?

Maya: Ooh, a mystery! I can’t wait to see who the victim is!

Quote:

gumshoe and phoenix were in dungeon and celestia comed down to intogate them"so whyd u try to bomb phoenix wright" say celestia

Maya: …

Phoenix: Uh-huh.

Gumshoe: Phoenix bombed himself? Man, what a twist!

Quote:

"wtf i am phoenic wright" say wright"no" said celesta "phoenix wright is old german dude"

Phoenix: Oh, great. So Manfred is impersonating me. Again.

Maya: What do you mean “again”?

Phoenix: Remember Turnabout Pearl? Where he kidnapped Pearl and somehow made her think it was me?

Maya: Oh, yeah!

Gumshoe: I don’t think I was here for that one.

Phoenix: Consider yourself lucky.

Quote:

"WTF" say gumshoe "HE LIE, HE SENT HPOENIX THE BOMB CAKE TO FRAME PEARL""can u prove it" say celestia"YES" say gumshoe and he take out fingerprint results "SEE THEY MATCH OLD GUY, HIS NAME MARNFED VON KARMA, WHERES HE SO WE CAN COMPARE THEM FINGERPRINTS?"

Phoenix: This isn’t really all that decisive as proof. For all she knows, we could’ve forged those results.

Maya: Well, don’t bring that up to her!

Quote:

"he left cause i let him go through portal to try and get to home" said celestia"NO" say gumshoe "BUT HES CANT GET AWAY WITH HISS CRIME, AND HE BROKING PAROLE RIGHT NOW"

Phoenix: I think “broking parole” is one of our lesser worries regarding his crimes.

Maya: Yeah, attempted murder is probably a little more important.

Quote:

"too bad you stay in dungeon lol" say celestia and she leaved

Phoenix: Wait, what happened? Did we convince her or not?

Maya: Well, either way, I guess you’re staying in the dungeon.

Phoenix: She didn’t contest the fingerprints, though! Does that mean she believes we’re innocent, but she’s keeping us in the dungeon anyway?

Gumshoe: I thought that show was about friendship, or something! These ponies are pretty mean.

Quote:

when she gone phoenic look as gumshoe "WE GOTTA ESCAPE DUDE""yea" say gumshoe but "HOW""i has a plan" said phoenic and his face smiled

Phoenix: I guess it was the figurative use of “exploded”, then. Makes sense with the all-caps.

Quote:

"OH NO" sayed gumshoe "THEN WE GOTTA GO TO WHERE THEYS ARE, WHARE ARE THEY""well" said knucklefuck "the emerlds are REALLY far away so i dont think tey can get there in time"

Maya: Pfft. What’s with that name for Knuckles? Is he even trying?

Phoenix: I don’t think he really cares about getting the names right.

Quote:

"BUT THEY GO REALLY FAST IN THE EGG CAR, IT HAS ROCKET BOOSTS ON IT NOW" said phoenix"oh no well never get there in time"

Phoenix: This is kinda dragging, isn’t it?

Management: It gets better after the first couple chapters.

Maya: I’m guessing by better, you mean worse. But in a “good for the sporking” kind of way.

Management: Exactly!

Quote:

"THEN WHAT WE DO?"hmm say phoenix then he saw a piece of paper on ground"O GUYS LOOK ITS THEIR PLANS" every1 lookeda t tthe paper said "GOING to SONIC WORLD FOR CHAOS EMERALDS, THEN MARIO WORLD FOR POWERUPS, THEN BIBLE WRLD FOR JESUS POWER, THEN WRIGHT WORLD FOR TO TAKE OVER"

Phoenix: That’s pretty careless of them. Now we know exactly what they’re trying to do!

Maya: I appreciate how they’re going to Mario World just so they can get, what, some mushrooms and fire flowers? I’m pretty sure Manfred’s gun is already more useful than those.

Gumshoe: Maybe he really wants to get big and commit arson!

Quote:

"O DAM SON" said knuickles "THEY GOIN TO MARIO WORLD WHEN THEY GET THEM EMERALDS?""yea i guess" sayed phoenix "WE GOTTA GO TO MARIO WORLD BEFOR THAT SO WE CAN CATCH THEM""but how" sad tails "we dont have portas to go there"

Phoenix: Reading this conversation feels like being on a merry-go-round.

Gumshoe: When’s the last time you were on one of those, pal?

Phoenix: I don’t know, a decade ago?

Maya: I wish I could’ve seen that.

Quote:

"WE need someon who can build the portal" said gumshoe"but who can build portal" said phoenics"i can wit chaos control" said shadow"wtf you idiot dipshit fucknugget thats now how that works" said knuckles

Maya: Jeez! I know jakkid’s characters are foul-mouthed, but that’s a bit much.

Phoenix: Yeah, what did Shadow do to deserve that?

Gumshoe: Uh, murder one of their friends?

Phoenix: Oh. Yeah. I guess that makes sense.

Quote:

"fuck u knuckles you had sex with big THE cat""WAT THE SHIT"

Maya: These are some serious schoolyard-level insults.

Phoenix: If what he’s saying is true, does that mean Knuckles and Big were in a relationship?

Gumshoe: Please don’t make me think about that, pal.

Quote:

"y are we arguing we need portal fast" said mario

Maya: Yeah, Mario’s right, we need to- Wait, what?!

Phoenix: Where’d Mario come from?

Mario: I don’t-a-know.

Gumshoe: I think the next chapter’s leaking into this one.

Quote:

"ok ok guys" lets make a portal somehow" said phoenix"but we cant we dont have anything" said sonic"WAIT" said knuckle and he pulled out a chaos emeralde "I FORGOT I KEEP THIS FOR WHEN I NEED POWER"

Phoenix: That’s… convenient.

Maya: Yeah, how are the bad guys gonna steal the chaos emeralds when the good guys already have one of them?

Gumshoe: Uh, where was he keeping that, pal?

Quote:

"O sweet" said phenics "CAN THAT MAKE A PORTALE?""yea" said knuckles nd he threw it at the ground and it made portal to mario world"OK GUYS" said phoenix "LETS GO STOP KARMA AND EGNMAN"and they all jumped inTO BE CONTINUUUUUUED

Phoenix: Well, at least this portal had an explanation behind it. Sort of.

Maya: And we’re left with another really long “TO BE CONTINUUUUUUUUED”. At least he’s enthusiastic!

Gumshoe: I wonder what it’s like in Mario world.

Phoenix: Probably lots of killer mushrooms and turtles. Plus, annoying music playing all the time.

Maya: Hey, Mario music isn’t annoying!

Phoenix: It is if it’s playing 24/7.

[Phoenix gets up and stretches.]

Phoenix: Well, that was a cakewalk compared to some other stories we’ve had so far.

Maya: Yeah. It was bad, but I think I’m still pretty desensitized from Phoenix Drive.

Gumshoe: What’s “Phoenix Drive”, pal?

Phoenix: Don’t worry about it. For your sanity and mine.

Maya: Yeah. Let’s just get out of here while we still can.

Management: Bye-bye! See you next time for chapters 3 and 4! Probably!

[The sporkers leave the theater without replying.]

Author:

Southern Corn [ Mon Apr 08, 2019 9:16 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Ayyy, good stuff! Was a relatively enjoyable read considering how slow the first few parts are. I can only be more excited for the coming chapters now.

Don't know how to describe this one, it feels...robotic in a way. Also there's too much dialogue and not enough action. Sometimes, you don't even know who's talking because there's no dialogue tags to identify the speaker at times.