National Coming Out Day!

I’m going to be writing this loosely as I have had an amazing weekend with some sweet new lovers and while I wont kiss and tell too much, I will say that I have had 48 hours of orgasmic bliss and hardcore loving, and am still reeling from the affection. I’m now home after all that and have had a nice cup of sake and hopped online to surf the web a bit and remembered thanks to an amazing network of friends that today (as it is nearing 2am) is National Coming Out Day!

I am out about many things, and being out is a process that is often a daily occurrence. Being queer in a number of circles means being open that I love having sex with queer cisgender men. I love frisky genitalia of all kinds. In other circles, it means I’m not a vegetarian. (Seriously. Why does everyone think that?)

I’m also genderqueer. I feel gender-neutral throughout most of my day. I was assigned and socialized female, yet don’t quite feel I belong with most women. When I identified as transgender a few years back I quickly realized that becoming male was not my calling, and then discovered the word genderqueer which for now is a fluid, non-conforming and safe space for me to exist and express myself as I am. It’s also a daily process confronting pre-conceived notions that I am a “girl”. I reply with a smiley face and something non-confrontational in hopes that I don’t off-put the persons’ well intentions. However I do want to be clear that I don’t feel that way about myself. And when I’m addressed in a way that does feel right, it makes all the difference!

I recently sat down to dinner with my father and came out to him about sex work and being genderqueer. (He already knew about my being queer and later about being polyamorous.) The talk went amazingly well, and I was in tears feeling grateful to have a dad who was so open-minded to accept me. And call me gender-neutral, though he wondered how I got so “radical”. We talked about pornography, gender pronouns “them” and “they”, and I shared with him my going to Berlin to shoot with Cheryl Dunye and my awards that I won at the Feminist Porn Awards in Toronto and my Best New Web Star nomination at AVN. Things which have happened in the last five years, and things I withheld from him in fear he would be judgmental. Quite the opposite, he was curious. I told him about the works of Tony Comstock and he took out his iPhone to note the name of directors I love such as Shine Louise Houston.

He told me that if I “further the genre”, he’s proud of me.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t holding back tears as I type this. It just feels so damn good to have acceptance from my dad. And going back home recently was golden: spending time with my family, eating a lot, playing rotten guava wars as we hiked my favorite waterfalls, burning as I fell asleep buck-naked under a hot sun, long-boarding in Lahaina with my dad, brother and his water-loving surfer-baby (my nephew), and good friend during a surf session in a bath-water temperature ocean glowing under a hot-pink sunset. I only had 7 precious days to live it up, and promised to come home more often.

Coming out is complicated. Whether it be a matter of passing and not-passing, assertion, or validation, it takes courage and strength to be vocal.

If there are three things I can say now for National Coming Out Day, quite simply: I’m genderqueer, I’m polyamorous, and I’m a sex worker.

I’m also coming out that I’m trying better to assert these things. Because like any relationship, whether it’s to your loved ones, your family, and especially yourself, coming out is worth it.

5 Replies to “National Coming Out Day!”

Coming out eh …. well technically i don’t have a gender, but i don’t really identify with gender queer. I’m more of a gender optical illusion, i honestly don’t care what anyone calls me. Some people see a man some see a woman but it doesn’t mean either of them are wrong.

It’s odd in the south calling yourself queer pretty much indicates you sleep with pretty much anything. People will correct you if you call them queer because of what it implies. Calling a gay person queer will get you some strange looks.

I am not queer, I have no idea what to call myself… I like vagina and people who look like they may have a vagina or people with things that may be mistaken for vagina. I keep men around to satisfy my own curiosities, I make out with them and they are more than welcome to give me a BJ but that’s it. My obsession with penis is more of a poke a dead body with a stick kinda thing, it doesn’t register as a sexual object for me.

Also i think the vegetarian thing is a San Francisco thing. I’ve been asked if i was vegetarian twice this year both times i was in San Francisco.

Jiz. So great to hear you finally shared your “other” amazing life with your family. I know you hated not being honest with them and holding back all these stories about your porn star life (yes, you are a star while most people are mainly performers…). It’s amazing what our parents can deal with and how well they do when we give them a chance. thanks for being such a great role model in being yourself.

Super great story about the dad! Hawai`i sounds way beautiful… I can’t wait to visit there some day!

Ugh, so Ive been out to my friends & family for years, but I still always struggle with being myself in every encounter, fearing the judgment/categorization! I really fucking hate being socially grouped… being a lesbian & hypersexual because Im ‘lesbian’… people are fucking DUMB! And it’s not even the queer I’m concerned about, it’s the sexual me, the exhibitionism… being TOO sexual physical & verbal… so open and comfortable with my body & mind that makes so many people uncomfortable! I’m very self conscious about being sexually free… Blah… there’s my rant! anyways, if I could drop that hand up, I’d prob be a pron star & get all the lovin; on all day EVERYDAY!! Get sum out for me!! xoxo SFiRe

This is an awesome post. As one genderqueer who came from the adult film world to another I know it takes figurative balls to be who you are in every facet of your life. My own experience of the adult world in 2000-2005 was that the actors were not rewarded for individualism..lol. Keep being everything you want to be and my hat is off to you!