What Do Women Really Want?

Sigmund Freud famously asked the question, but he didn't have an answer. Even today, the question of what motivates female sexual desire continues to resound. Definitive answers have proven elusive.

What men want we understand quite well. In general, their sexual desire is orderly, consistent, and narrowly directed. A heterosexual man is heterosexual. If you show him heterosexual sex, his sexual physiology and subjective, reported desire rise in tandem. Homosexual sex will leave him cold both physically and emotionally. For men there is an excellent match between physiological arousal (as measured by penile tumescence) and level of reported desire.

Viagra’s success demonstrates the simplicity of the male mechanism. Viagra does not target desire, but works by increasing genital blood flow, allowing erection. This, apparently, is all that is needed. As the penis rises, desire is already waiting.

For women, the story is different. The female body, studies show, likes everything, or at least responds to everything (or does not know what it likes, some cynics will say). Female physiological arousal (as measured by vaginal lubrication) occurs in response to viewing most any type of sexual activity: man with woman, woman with woman, man with man. Even watching sex among Bonobo monkeys stimulates physiological arousal in women.

The Canadian researchers Kelly Suschinsky and Martin Lalumiere have proposed that this all-inclusive arousal pattern is an evolutionary adaptation. According to this theory, the vagina immediately becomes moist at any hint of sexual activity in the vicinity so as to protect the woman from injury in the event of rape or sexual violence. This arousal is not necessarily related to the sexual desires, intents, or preferences of the woman. After all, women do not really want to have sex with Bonobos.

Indeed, it turns out that unlike men, women’s objective bodily responses don’t reflect their subjective mental desires. This is one reason Viagra does not work for women. Physical preparedness does not imply desire. That the woman can have sex does not mean she wants to.

So what does she want?

This question, as Freud intuited, is not easy to answer.

On one hand, there is considerable evidence that women seek and place a premium on a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness with their sexual partners. The reasons for this seem clear and logical: Having but one uterus to fill with one fetus at a time, a woman gains no obvious evolutionary advantage from promiscuity. For women, possessing no seed to spread, sex with more people does not result in more potential genetic offspring. Moreover, women are at higher risk than men for sexual violence and sexually transmitted diseases, not to mention the unique risk of pregnancy. It pays for women to be careful in choosing their sexual partners.

In addition, the female orgasm is less reliably achieved than the male’s so their odds of enjoying casual or anonymous sex are lower. A woman who wants to increase her chances of enjoyment and minimize her chances of harm is better off getting to know her partner well before she gets to sex. From this logic follows the claim that women are bio-programmed to want relationships, not sex; that they need a stable, intimate relationship to feel aroused and are therefore built for sexual monogamy and marriage.

Problem solved?

Not so fast. First, more recent studies show that gender differences in reported number of sexual partners are reduced or disappear altogether if women are told that they are connected to a lie detector and that the information they provide will remain confidential. In other words, when women feel safe enough or otherwise compelled to tell the truth about their sexual behavior, the story they tell more closely resembles the male story.

Moreover, if women believe that they will not be harmed and that the sex will be good, their willingness to engage in casual sex equals that of men. The female tendency toward a roving eye can also be inferred, according to the work of evolutionary psychologist David Buss, from the very phenomenon of male jealousy, which is common in all societies and consistently related to men’s fears of potential cuckoldry. If women really do not want extra marital sex, then why are men so suspicious and jealous? Why put Stop signs on a street with no traffic?

Second, recent studies indicate that human sexuality is adapted for sperm competition. In other words, our evolutionary past had programmed women to seek sex with different men in short succession, and have their sperm compete intra-vaginally for the right of paternity. So, while women may have no seed of their own to spread, they do have multiple varieties of male seed to select from. Recent studies indicate that the objects of female sexual attraction vary with the menstrual cycle. During their fertile days, women tend to fancy high-testosterone men who are not good candidates for monogamy but have healthy male genes. How many married women secretly act on this impulse is difficult to estimate, but this type of ‘sperm poaching’ appears to be quite normative among our primate relatives.

Men, in turn, are designed for this sperm competition as well. Biologist Robin Baker of the University of Manchester found, for example, that the amount of sperm a man discharges during intercourse with his wife is not dependent on the timing of the man’s last ejaculation but on the time since his last sex with his wife. If a long time has passed (increasing the chances that someone else's seed found its way into his wife's vagina), the husband’s ejaculate contains more sperm cells, which increases his competitive odds. Sex after a long separation tends to be more intense and prolonged. This is because long intercourse increases the chance of the woman reaching orgasm. According to research by Baker and biologist Mark Bellis, the uterine muscle contractions that accompany the female orgasm help retain sperm inside the vagina and move them toward the ovaries, and fertilization.

Moreover, the evidence suggests that women initiate divorce more often than men, and benefit less from marriage than do men on measures of health, happiness, and wealth. Additionally, as is well known to clinical psychologists and marriage counselors everywhere, many women who feel close to a loving partner nevertheless fail to feel passion for him. Australian researcher Lorraine Dennerstein found that the decline in women's libido over the years of adulthood is strongly linked to the loss of sexual interest in their long time partners.

If monogamy, intimacy and communication are the engines of female desire, why do so many women fail to ignite with a familiar and faithful man? Why does their passion fizzle in marriage? Why will they seek to secretly graze in foreign pastures? Why do they not benefit from the monogamous arrangement more? Why do they break it up more readily?

In light of the new research findings, the old narrative—that women desire relationships rather than sex and are thus built for monogamy—begins to crumble. Instead, a new narrative emerges in which female sexual desire is powerful, flexible, complex—and even subversive.

As additional evidence, developmental psychologist Lisa Diamond of the University of Utah found that many women experience their sexual interests as fluid and open, encompassing at different times men or women, or both. Richard Lippa of California State University has found that unlike men, whose sexual appetite narrows as it increases, sexually charged women display an increasingly open orientation. Women with higher libidos are more likely to feel desire toward members of both sexes.

Marta Meana, a researcher at the University of Nevada, has argued provocatively that the organizing principle of female sexuality is the desire to be desired. In her view, the delicate, tentative guy who politely thinks about you and asks if this is okay or that is okay is a guy who may meet the expectations of your gender politics (treats me as an equal; is respectful of me; communicates with me) and your parents’ preferences, but he may also put you into a sexual coma—not despite these qualities, but because of them.

Female desire, according to Meana, is activated when a woman feels overwhelmingly desired, not rationally considered. Female erotic literature, including all those shades of gray, is built on this fantasy. Sexual desire in this view does not work according to our expectations and social values. Desire seeks the path of desire, not the path of righteousness. It thrives not on social order but on its negation. This is one reason all religions and societies try to control, contain, limit and re-direct it.

Marta Meana had men and women watch erotic pictures of contact between a man and a woman and tracked the participants’ eye movements. She found that men and women focus on different aspects of the sexual event. Men looked at the women, while the women watched the two genders equally. They concentrated on the man’s face and the woman's body. What turned them on apparently were the desired female body, with which they identify, and the man's lustful gaze, for which they long.

Despite what is commonly believed, then, Meana argues that female sexuality is more self-centered than male’s. Mick Jagger’s lamentations aside, male fantasies focus on giving satisfaction, not on receiving it. Men see themselves in their fantasies bringing the woman to orgasm, not themselves. Women see the man, set aflame by uncontrollable lust for them, bringing them to ecstasy. Men want to excite women. Women want men to excite them. Being desired is the real female orgasm, Meena says, and her words resound as a kind of truth. After all, wouldn’t more women be jealous of the desired woman who cannot orgasm than of the orgasmic woman who is not desired?

Meana asserts that this aspect of female sexuality explains the prevalence of rape fantasies in the female fantasy repertoire. Rape fantasies, in this understanding, are actually fantasies about surrender, not out of masochistic yearnings to be harmed or punished, but out of the female desire to be desired by a man to the point of driving him out of control. By this logic, the fantasy is actually about surrendering voluntarily after the coveted man, in his inability to stop himself, attests to the woman’s own supreme desirability.

According to this view, monogamous marriage does work for women on a certain level: it provides security, intimacy, and help with the children. But it also suffocates female sexual desire. As the mischievous author Toni Bentley wrote recently: “There is virtually no female sexual problem—hormonal, menopausal, orgasmic, or just plain old lack of interest—that will not be solved by—ta-da!—a new lover.”

At the end of the day, the accumulating evidence appears to reveal a paradoxical element at the core of female desire, a tension between two conflicting motives. On the one hand is the desire for stability, intimacy, and security—picture the flame on the burner of a gas stove: controlled, utilitarian, domesticated, and good for making dinner. On the other hand is the need to feel totally, uncontrollably desired, the object of raw, primal lust—a house on fire.

What the article said to me is that women are torn between the monogamous love that develops between a women and a man in a long term relationship (comfort, companionship, family, etc.) and the sexual desire and arousal that becomes elusive to a women after the infatuation period in a long term relationship wears off.
What I hear you saying is that because a women often loses her sexual desire for sex, she really never loved her husband to begin with. I completely disagree with that. A woman can truly love her husband and not desire sex. Female sexual desire isn't nearly as strong as a mans. As the article describes, a women's sexual desire and arousal is often squelched in a long term relationship.
That Does Not mean she no longer loves her husband! It means she is no longer turned on sexually. That is all.
Given the choice between the exciting feeling of being desired (by someone new) and the strong love foundation in a long term relationship, my guess is most women would choose the long term relationship. Love over being sexually desired by another man. From your response, I would conclude the opposite for a man: being sexually desired over love. As you said "Sexually successful men" don't get married.
I'm not sure but I do believe people get married for reasons other than JUST sex. How about caring for each other, raising a family, sharing the burdens of life that come along, loving someone for 'better or for worse', and growing old with someone you care about?
It IS sad that women often lose their sexual desire in a long term relationship. It is also sad that for some men being sexually desired is more important than love or family.

Well the majority of divorces are initiated by women. Often this is because they want passion back in their lives "He's a good father and husband and friend but I NEED to feel passion". This is often why women will commit infidelity. Men ARE willing to forgo this sexual passion to commit to a woman but both men and women often need it back in their lives. The difference is when a woman decides it and sleeps with her boss or coworker she will not lose custody of the kids or half her paycheck when the divorce comes.

So the reluctance for men: should I commit to someone who stands a high chance of leaving me for another and taking the kids and financially crippling me? Hence the high rate of suicides among divorced men.

A brief look into actual stats will reveal that women lose more financially than men. And, if we are given primary custody, even more so.

Stop with the false statistics and already disproven MRA rhetoric.

FYI, I love my children, but if I were to get divorced, I would prefer to give my husband primary custody and take them on the weekends. Weekend parent gets the fun trips with the kids, has more cash for toys and spoiling, more 'me' time to refresh after work, and usually a less expensive living arrangement. Weekday parent must do the mundane chores, most of the housework, and needs child-friendly (more expensive) accommodation. The quality of the relationship is strained, because they are doing all the necessary hard stuff.

Okay, armchair lawyer. You know nothing about the law. Nothing. If I were to divorce my husband tomorrow I would owe HIM alimony and child support based on the difference between our incomes, as I am the higher earner.

Men commit suicide in higher rates (single, divorced, even as children!) all around because men are taught to suppress their feelings and do not have good coping mechanisms as result.

I think, obviously you're older because of your comments.
You would not have made them in your late teens or 20's or?.
At those ages we don't think about all of your points. I know that what men think of and women think of is different at that age range but not what you suggest, at least equally.

Hi well let's not be completely negative when dealing with women. What men need to understand is try to know what your woman wants in order to be satisfied with you and in a relationship with you. You can give a try to visit my webiste which ha ssome decent articles about how to seduce and manage women the best way possible. Seducelove.com

i agree, but the problem is. women are often not open about there sexual desires. they often think its wrong to feel a particular way or the man will think low of her if she tells him such desire.

on the other hand, men need to focus more on being attractive just like how the women do, and he needs to allow himself to be instinctive when it comes to sex. meaning, don't let society depict that when you're married you cant behave a certain way with your wife. sometimes your woman wants to be your bitch. sometimes your lady. sometimes she wants to be totally nasty. and you as the man have initiate and foster that.

but to me, once you work out and keep looking good and fit, and continue to please her sexually, if you always smell good and all that long with being the good husband that you are. her sexual desire for you will always be there.

I just wanted to say I love reading your thoughts about this subject, especially "sometimes your woman wants to be your bitch. sometimes your lady. sometimes she wants to be totally nasty. and you as the man have initiate and foster that."

It's taken me 50 years and four children with two cheating partners to realise this (I was clearly a hopeless romantic, but have now been well and truly educated). My Son's have been warned accordingly...

What I would give to be able to go back in time and warn my younger self about the perils of women.... The best I can hope for now, is to warn my sons of the dangers and price they will pay if they follow the same path. Thankfully, they can see how much damage their Mother's infidelities and treatment did to me over the years, and I think the message has got home...

From the benefit of 50 years on this planet, I have to agree with you 100%. Women are seemingly genetically programmed to be 'users'... This is made possible by the base sexual drivers of heterosexual males, mesmerized by long hair, pretty faces, ample breasts, shapely backsides and vaginas, etc. This is exploited mercilessly by females to extract financial gain. One way or another men pay for sex; either in direct transactions (prostitution) or indirectly (marriage/co-habitation). Eventually one learns to turn the tables. Tell them what they want to hear so you can have sexual intercourse with them, then extract yourself as quickly as possible.

All of you men are missing the point! If you desired your wife/girlfriend uncontrollably. If she thinks you out of your mind in lust with her, can't do anything but want to have sex with ONLY her. Like rip her clothes off fuck her on the kitchen counter, your woman will not lose interest in you or in having LOTS of sex with only you. It's the desire piece your not understanding. That (even if you pretend) your out of your mind with desire for her, she so hot she making you loose your mind, she will be satisfied and not look for another man to fulfill sexual needs!

How is it worse for men when women suffer the loss of libido and men are so jealous and ready to cheat? We are the ones that suffer. The married men I know including my own will do ANYTHING to stay married! It's women who now make their own money that see what a neat little prison marriage makes for women!

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I usually skim through most of these articles, because there lacking or there's really no dept or outright answers, but this view of what motivates women's sexual desires or lack of was impressive..and I felt like I was ready a story about my own feelings toward sex. Thank you! Psychology Today, for this! I felt very normal after reading..a must read article for both sexes.

I agree that men are better off not marrying. My own sons have come to that conclusion without any input from me.

But I have to disagree with the order that a marital partner loses interest in the other. I had just gotten back from my honeymoon when my wife shut down sexual access. Her mother used to "joke" about "once a month whether he needs it or not", and eventually I determined that this really was the strategy.

I also noticed my sisters and daughters being taught how to use sex in Pavlovian manner, as a reward to reinforce "correct" behavior.

So despite the assertion in another article here at PT that women seek to drive men wild with lust to overcome her reluctance, that only works if she is enticing a wealthy man. One whose paycheck barely covers the weekly essentials is never allowed to exercise that same privilege.

In short, you are so right. My wife is amazing. When she wants sex it is awesome. Every other day of the month its not important. And i am a jerk for suggesting there is anything wrong with 14 times a year. I am also dumb enough to get strung along with the promise of interest later if I do good during the day. Its a tired tune. Women have a commodity now. They exploit it in a modern society. The end.

While I won't dispute marriage may not benefit a man (my boyfriend says he will never marry again), I can assure you all women are not like your wife and her family. It's unfortunate you have experienced that. Here's to a bright future for you!

Yeah we know that, but you must also realise that without sex a man is worthless and not fulfiled in life because sex allows for procreation and of couse everyone knows that procreation is the essence of life. So you now can see that sex is a very important aspect of a man's life.

Yeah we know that, but you must also realise that without sex a man is worthless and not fulfiled in life because sex allows for procreation and of couse everyone knows that procreation is the essence of life. So you now can see that sex is a very important aspect of a man's life.

After 25 years of marriage, she has cheated 3 times, l have never. I worked my backside off to give her a good life, and secure and he repaided me by screwing a colleague on my desk in my office. I had a bought of serious doubts just before we married, my biggest regret is not listening to my gut and pulling out then. My previous serious 18 month relationship, was ended by me when I discovered my fiancee was cheating on me with a work colleague whilst I worked three jobs to pay the mortgagee. Marriage is most certainly not in the favour of men. We even gets screwed again by the courts when we try to rid ourselves in Divorce. I've told my Son's not to marry. I have not told them that if they do, they inherit nothing.

I was married to someone who friends told me was the last good & faithful man but I was so sexually bored I stopped getting wet. Me, the one he sang juicy fruit to. Went to counseling but just could not continue the farce so I asked for a divorce. I met someone else and at 45 discovered that I could have multiple orgasms in one session. I was in a sexual coma in that marriage for over 20 years. Life is too short for that. Women need to be able to enjoy their sexual nature just like men.

I think your story resounds with thousands of women everywhere. I'm curious though, did you try talking to him when you first felt "dead" sexually? Did you tell him that you love his chivalry but hate that he doesn't excite you sexually? I wonder if he could have changed his behavior and re-ignited things for you. It sucks, us guys really have a hard time understanding how to treat you. I feel like I'm always playing a game with my wife: show her love to satisfy the emotional part, engage in deep conversations to show her I'm genuinely interested in her, then I go cold for a bit because soon after I'm coming in for the kill: lust for her. After a short period (1 or 2 days of me just not giving a fuck, spending time with friends, doing what I want, not giving her attention, etc) when I come back and put the focus on her, it ignites her. Our sex is crazy raw. The stuff they write in books. Multiple orgasms, fantasy role play, multiple hours of foreplay and sex, etc are very normal for us.

I bet your husband was clueless. Probably thought he was doing everything right. Sucks he didn't have a chance to fix it, or at least try. And even then, he might not have know how.

All my male friends agree. We're all in our 40's or so (about 8 of us discussed this late one night over beers) and are either Divorced, Separated or have remained married for financial or child-raising reasons. Interestingly, in all cases the overwhelming feeling was of regret and that nature and tradition had tricked us all into an unhealthy life, dressed up as potential happiness. They had been happy at one point, but could more or less pinpoint a turning point, when it was too late, and they were trapped. Our children are much better informed nowadays (Millennials) and have learnt to be selfish and not to fall for the traditional traps. They are therefore, determined to be free and live their lives as they wish.