A woman goes to an occult convention and brings back a one-night stand to her hotel. The man was an online spiritual homeopath named Sunbeam Moonchild. When they get in the bed naked, the woman turns to him and says, "Please, go easy on me. I'm still a virgin."

The man says to the woman, "I had no idea! I'd have figured a girl as pretty as you would've surely popped the cherry by now. Are you sure you'd want to lose your virginity to me?"

"I'm sure. To be honest, I've been going to these conventions and bringing men back to have sex with them for years, but they never did manage to do the deed with me."

"Why is that?"

"Well you see, the first one was a Golden Dawn member. He only brought bags and bags full of all these weird costumes and props, insisting that they would set the mood and impress me. The second one was a Wiccan Priest. He suggested a threesome, for things come around in threes. The third guy was a Chaos Mage, who scared me away at, 'No, seriously, I know how to fix this!' and, 'Now it's time for the triple invocation of Loki, Coyote, and Baphomet.'. The fourth was a Norse Pagan who tried to blame Loki for his 'hammer' not working properly. The fifth was a Satanist, insisting protection was unnecessary because the Christians biased me against pregnancy and STDs, so society's got it all wrong about them. The Thelemite just tried to use his version of the rede as an excuse to do whatever he wilt to me. There was a Lovecraftian man who was WAY too into tentacles. The closeted practitioner just looked down at the floor and muttered 'broom, what broom?' sheepishly. This one male Dianic weirdo just ranted about how men were all sexist and I must merge with my inner feminine and the Goddess Within. I tried doing a shaman but he insisted we smoke some shit first. The Hermetic dude had these flabby manboobs and took off his pants with the explanation of 'as above, so below'. One time I was desperate enough to settle with breaking the age of consent and just grabbing a random teen witch, but he just looted my entire spice cabinet (for convenience sake, let's say this lady rips out her spice cabinet and takes it with her to hotels. She's weird.), plus all the complimentary tea bags, coffee grounds, salt packets, soaps and sugar from the hotel along with my Rice Krispies, then started stuffing weird shit in tupperwares straight into the fridge!"

"Wow, that DOES sound awful." The woman's lover said when she finished the rant with a pant. "So why do you have any confidence in me?"

"Because you greeted me saying you were an online spiritual homeopath named Sunbeam Moonchild. This time, I just KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
Made that one up just now but it took forever to write.