Friday, April 17, 2015

Downhill

So what do you do when someone is gone but they're still here? Physically, she's not doing awful. The tumor has not spread but has not shrunk. She is in constant pain so she is on strong pain melds to help control the pain. Her oxygen levels have dropped so now she is in an oxygen tube when needed. They have found two blood clots in her good lung so she has to inject herself with Medes to bust up the blood clots.

She acts very withdrawn from everything, including the family. She sleeps a lot which I know is a defense mechanism but as her daughter makes me angry. I want my mom to get mad and act like she's fighting. Instead she lets dad baby her (because he does not know what else to do) and whimpers around. I shouldn't be mad but my mom is already gone. She's withdrawn from the world, family, everything but is still here. She might as well be gone.

I realize what makes me angry and it's the victim role she puts herself in. She is acting like a "victim of cancer". I want her to be a fighter, the mom I've seen fight all my life but not lately. It's a fine line I walk, I can't get mad at her and avoid her but if I'm around her and she acts meek then I get angrier.