This isn't the latest reality teevee show! This isn't the coolest new electronic trinket! It isn't a ringtone! So why the hell are you messing with it? You'd better put this down, before someone sees you...you might get in trouble, or worse! You might even look stupid and uncool!

Listen, genius...the powers that be work very hard to insure that you have all the information and entertainment that they think you need. And THIS is how you thank them? By reading some subversive flyer that was probably left here by some British-hating freak? Huh? Well, that's gratitude for you.

Shouldn't you just put this down, and go turn on the television? You're probably missing something that you just can't live without. What's gonna happen during your 20 minute lunch break, when everyone's talking about X Factor, and you missed it? What then? You'll be a pariah. Your coworkers will laugh at you behind your back, and you'll be "off the team". Good luck with that next promotion, Trevor!

So, look...just put this down quick, before anyone notices you reading it, and we'll pretend this never happened, okay? Now, get back to work, and pay attention to what you are supposed to be paying attention to!

Or Kill Me.

THERE IS NO CONSPIRACY!Written in the spirit by The Good Reverend Roger.

Despite any rumors you may have heard, there is no conspiracy. Certainly not one formed by asshats and jackasses commonly known as Discordians and Subgenii. These groups are too silly and self-absorbed to do anything like attack the evils that beset our society by using The Machine's very own neuroprogramming techniques (which, of course, don't exist). Anyone who says differently should get themselves a tinfoil beanie.

Indeed, the very idea of some secret cabal of weirdos, freaks, and mutants out to topple the monolith that we used to call our government is ludicrous. Especially given their non-violent methodology. Everyone knows that revolutions only come with guns and near-mythical hero-figures, right? The notion that some nebulous group is out there subverting people with imagery and printed words designed to alter moods and behaviors is simply science fiction of the wildest, most escapist variety.

Even if there was, what could they possibly hope to accomplish? After all, life in the UK is perfect right now, isn't it? Things couldn't possibly be any better! Unless you've been outsourced, or were born with dark skin, or have weird ideas about civil liberties...but then you really don't count, anyway.

So relax, citizens, ignore that feeling of the ground shifting beneath your feet, and discount any bizarre rumors you may have heard. Britain is secure, the economy is great, and you have tons of stuff to watch on teevee. And Robin Cook and David Kelley both died natural deaths, and everything has been great since then, anyway. Just grab a beer, turn on X Factor, and...

GO BACK TO SLEEP!

Or Kill Me.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?Written in the spirit by The Good Reverend Roger.

Well? What happened? When did the UK turn into a huge collection of sissies, begging for our rights to be repealed for our "protection"? That's not Britain! That's China, or North Korea. What the HELL are we doing?

So far, we've pretty much tossed away our entire rights, along with most of the rest of the parliamentary checks on absolute power. Politically sanctioned wiretaps, limits on protests and free speech, a bag full of useless wars that not even the PRIME MINISTER can properly explain, torture, suspension of habeas corpus...the list goes on and on.

Don't mind that grinding noise, Britain...That's just John Stuart Mill grinding his wooden choppers in his grave.

And don't even think of blaming your government, people. Because, hey, who the hell elected them? Who stood by while "both" parties stripped away our sacred liberties? Who?

That's right. It was YOU, Trevor. Shame on you. Shame on you for pissing on the graves of our forefathers, who fought for liberty against foes both foreign and domestic. Shame on you for wanting to be slaves. And now you are finally getting the government you deserve.

Or Kill Me.

HEY, SUCKER!Written in the spirit by The Good Reverend Roger.

Yeah, you. What the HELL do you think you're doing? Just look at yourself...wearing clothes you hate, paid to say and do things you hate, dealing with people you hate. However much they're paying you, it isn't enough.

You are supposed to be working to have a "better life". Well, are you? Is it better? Or are you simply toiling away for the privelege of doing it again tomorrow? Guess what, Bunky...working towards the future is BULLSHIT, because - as far as you know - this IS the future! If you got hit by a bus tomorrow, what would be on your tombstone? "I regret I only had one life to spend at the office"? For Chrissakes.

Well, I have news for you, chump. Hell has an express lane, and it's crammed nut-to-butt with people like you, who threw away their lives staring into their damn coffees and jabbering about work into their cell phones when they were supposed to be out having FUN. Remember fun? Remember just saying to hell with it, and screwing off for a weekend, not even ONCE thinking about the daily grind? How long has it been? Well, too late now, you pitiful drone! They OWN you, on the job and off, and - even though you could - you're not gonna do a damn thing about it, are you? No, I very much doubt you will...And, thus, you are damned.

But don't worry too much about hell, Slappy...Hell is what you settle for, and you've been there for years.

Or Kill Me.

TELL YOURSELF EVERYTHING'S FINE.Written in the spirit by The Good Reverend Roger.

Relax. Everything is gonna be okay. At least that's what you tell yourselves, while pretending that the alarm klaxons and red warning lights are just part of your city's "Celebration of Freedom". You pretend that the groaning noise of the supports giving way is just the sound of the house "settling".

Go ahead...put your head in the sand. After all, if you can't see them, they can't see you, and that means they can't get you, right? And who are they?

Look around you. Creditors call at ungodly hours, MI5 is listening to you phone, Special Branch is reading your mail, CEOs are selling your future, and politicians are lining up to feed your children to the meatgrinder in Afghanistan.

I can hear you now..."But they aren't after me", you whine, "I pay my taxes! I am a good citizen!". Well, of course they aren't out to get you, because you've been had all along. You've been miserable so long that you can't even feel the hook in your mouth, because it's completely surrounded with scar tissue. Odds are, you don't even remember what it's like to actually feel good!

So wake the hell up, jackass! It turns out that your "Dream life" really consists of you sitting on the couch watching the latest "reality teevee" show, in a cold sweat, while you ponder your bone crushing level of debt. Your kids despise you, and will never know that you used to be cool! WAKE UP! Get off that damned couch! Kill that teevee! Kick a boot through the life-stealing thing! Get your spouse and your kids, and go do something that doesn't involve television or drinking! Go bowling, or play footie, or just go to the friggin' museum!

FOR GOD'S SAKE, RUN WHILE YOU STILL HAVE LEGS!

AAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Or Kill Me.

SO, YOU HAD ANOTHER BAD DAY.Written in the spirit by The Good Reverend Roger.

It was a real booger, wasn't it, Sparky? My guess is, you've had more than your share of those. In fact, ask yourself when was the last time you had a good day? Can you even remember? Hell, maybe it was so long ago that you are starting to believe that bad days are the normal state of affairs.

Not so...or, at least, only if you allow it. Co-workers stabbing you in the back, or just pissing you off with their narrow-minded attitudes and laziness? Tell 'em to fuck off. Seriously. You'll feel much better. Is your boss on your case? Stop caring. Do whatever it takes to get by, and feel free to throw a monkey wrench or two into the gears. The worst they can do is fire you, and if you're already miserable, who cares? There are other jobs, and nobody checks references anyway.

Stop taking this crap! You aren't paid enough for this shit! Join those of us who have discovered that being bad feels good! Listen up, Slappy...none of these jackasses give a damn if you live or die, so why the HELL are you being so damn NICE? Drop a train on those geeks! Stop being a "Bob"-damned drone, for Chrissakes! Turn your nightmare back into the Dream life! Get some serious weirdness back into your life! You only get one life, and yours is trickling away!

FOR GOD'S SAKE, LIVE A LITTLE!

Or kill Me.

DID YOU EVER GET THE FEELING...Written in the spirit by The Good Reverend Roger.

...That you are the butt of some horrible joke? That the society you live in is one huge, hideous sham? Well, you just might be right...just look around you. Nothing works, anymore. Your job is boring. You don't actually have any fun, anymore. Your teevee is crammed full of pollyanna crap that you can't stand, but you watch it anyway. Even your church has gone sour, filled with holier-than-thou jackasses that delight in the failings of others. You don't even remember, really, the last time you laughed until your guts bled.

Sound familiar? Of course it does. It's that way for everybody.

Well, almost. There are still a few of us out to have a blast, and maybe even a few cheap yuks at the expense of those who still believe in Rule Britannia and the Almighty Pound. Whoa, there...does that sound un-British to you? Of course it does, because you've been conditioned since birth to view these things as Gods...even though they are nothing more than social fictions. Fact is, our attitude is British as hell...Monty Python and co would recognize us, and call us their kin. They understood, you see, that it isn't easy, having a good time. You gotta TRY to laugh at this sorry version of hell that the UK has become...but it's worth it.

You see, what we call "Britain" today is a farce, a grand comedy in which the lead roles are played by Nazis dressed up as Bolsheviks. We have plenty of capitalism, but no free enterprise (believe it or not, they are two separate and diametrically opposed things).

If you can't crack horrible jokes about things other people won't even bring up, then maybe you better forget you ever saw this. But if you find the current rolling disaster as funny as we do, go to http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum and join the asshat revolution. It's a hopeless cause, of course, but the people WE want shouldn't be bothered by little things like that.

Do you know how weird things really are? We do.

Or Kill Me.

GIVE UP.Written in the spirit by The Good Reverend Roger.

That's right, just give up. It really is easier to ignore how the government and your fellow citizens dump on you. It's easier to just get by, and make yourself forget that you were born a free person. It's easier to simply not think about how corporations have totally taken over every aspect of your life.

Good Doggie.

Face it, schmoe, you're just one cog in a vast machine, right? Nothing you say or do counts, anyway, so why make waves? Right right right?

You make me sick. What the hell are you...A human or a sheep? I have bad news for you, you schlep...Sheep get shorn...and eventually, they go on the dinner plate. For God's sake, walk on your hind legs! These jackasses that make your life a living hell are NOT invincible. They're just gasbags that got were they are through luck and sheer bullshit! They're no better than you, and - here's a little secret - they have no real power over you.

The sad thing is that you'll never believe that. You'll just continue letting them shit on you, and telling you lies. Lies like how, if you just put up with it long enough, it will be YOUR turn to shit on someone. HAW HAW! SUCKER! You'll be believing that until the day they shove your carcass into a hole in the ground. Well, too bad, jerk! The odds of you becoming rich and powerful "some day" are about the same as you being hit by lightning while holding a winning lottery ticket. You keep believing that Margaret Thatcher bullshit, and you'll be the sucker that they already know you are.

But you aren't really listening, are you? No, of course not. Go back to your hovel, turn Celebrity Big Brother on, and fantasize about the day that your turn will come. Don't bother thinking about how to stop being a chump, and if that scream building in your gut just turns into a yawn, relax. That's just your soul, going down for the last time.

Or Kill Me.

It Only Hurts When I Laugh.Written in the Spirit by The Good Reverend Roger.

Friends, doesn't it seem like life has become some horrible rollercoaster? Like things are moving too fast, and there's nobody in control? Well, the First Church of the Wrath of Baby Jesus has the solution:

Give up.

That's right, stop trying. Getting by in life these days is like trying to get with that boy/girl/prairie squid, back in high school. If you try too hard, you'll just mess up, and wind up going to prom with your cousin. Again.

Now, this isn't to say you shouldn't DO anything...but just do it with omnifallibility in mind. Fact is, you ARE going to make mistakes, no matter what you do...so stop worrying. Most people, of course, will start wars to avoid admitting they make a mistake. Here at The Church, we get nekkid and ROLL in our mistakes!

Now, it takes a lot of practice to attune yourself to The Art of Not Trying, so you'd better get started now. Gonna be late for work? Piss on it...it ain't the end of the world. Spending all your time looking in the mirror and obsessing about your weight? Screw it. Go have a sundae, and then start thinking about what you like about yourself. Find enough things to like, and suddenly you won't want that sundae, and you'll be amazed at how fast the pounds melt away (unless you're an anorexic, in which case you'll suddenly notice that you aren't a blimp, and you'll go have another sundae).

You see, we here at The Church used to worry like you do. We worried about war, the economy, babies having babies, you name it. But then it occurred to us that the humans can't help being the way they are, and WE sure as hell can't change them, so we may as well get our cheap yuks in while we can (Sometimes we laugh until we can't stop screaming). Recently, we've had a lot to laugh about...and so would you, if you'd just learn to see the humorous side of Doom.

So, if you want to be like us, laughing until your guts bleed at things that most people won't even bring up, come join us at http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum And if you DON'T want to be like us, come anyway (somebody has to be the butt of the joke, after all).