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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

So it's over for good. I can say it this time. It has to be for the good of me and the good of him it has to be. 3 and a half years has to be put behind me. I have to live for the moment. I can't plan the future or change the past and I have to realize this. The hardest part of losing him is realizing that through loving him I pushed away all my friends, and that was my choice. And I know that making new friends and trying to gain my old friends back is going to be the toughest challenge I face. Being alone is the hardest thing for me, but its time for me to feel and experience what's it like to be alone and not have someone there at every turn I make. I can and will do this. It's whats best for me at this time and I know it. Letting go and not taking part will be the hardest, but now I gain the chance to take part in myself and find out who I really am. This is going to be hard, but a challenge worth taking.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

I wish I was sitting her typing this to say I am doing absolutely amazing! Unfortunatly ED is giving me the evil grin once again and fighting this is getting harder than ever. I had kept symptom use at bay for about 3 weeks straight, but the past week has been an all out ED fest. He has been nasty and miserable, pulling out every trick he can think of to make me feel horrible about myself and who I am as a person. Every day its a battle to tell myself that Im not fat and Im not ugly!! But ED begs to differ. Every day its Jensen why did you eat breakfast, Why would you taste Ady's cheesy baked potatoe, Do you know how many calories that was, and your only allowed to eat vegteables, fruit, and the occasional piece of protein. The tricks are old, but for some reason I am not able to control the urges and fight this nasty voice. Ugh I am so tired of it needless to say.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Jensen,
Often times being with family triggers issues for a lot of us, when it should be a time of enjoyment. The struggle does not negate the fact that you love them. I am sorry that Sundays are hard days and in my own way and in my small world, I understand.

You are beautiful, inside and out, regardless of the food that has gone into your body or has not gone into your body. Food is a mere substance to fuel the body, not unlike the fuel needed to make a car run. The fuel does not define the car, but just gives it power.

Fortunuately, we are not graded and evaluated as if we are cars. Our value is not obtained by our appearance nor how many miles we get to the gallon (of food). Our value is obtained from the One who created us and He designed us to enjoy everything that He created. He formed Adam and molded Eve and placed them in the garden of Eden and they were commissioned to enjoy all its fruits and all its provision but the one (that would bring death).

Your battle does not scar or diminish your value, but only adds to it. Each time you struggle, your value increases. Because you overcome. Each time you struggle, your value increases. Because you have to rely on an inner strength that others may not be aware of within themselves and have no desire to find it. Each day that you survive is a victory. You have been an overcomer all these years; you will continue to be an overcomer for many more.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Today has been ugh not so bad not so good just one of those days.
Sundays are always hard. Don't get me wrong I love my family with
All my heart and do not know where I would be without them,but every
Sunday my grandmother makes a traditional Sunday dinner (yum) that's what
Any healthy non disordered person would say. As everyone knows I am in
"recovery" where it's kind of that unfortunate stage that you are way to
Aware of your obsessions but still not quite sure how to stop them and all
Therapist will tell you "use your tools" but getting those tools
Into action are a little harder than you would think. So every Sunday I am
Faced with this massive meal knowing I cannot act on ED bc everyone is
Watching for it. So I know that I cannot eat bc my Ed defo still has rules
Of what I can and cannot eat so a salad it is with plenty of protein and greens.
But as always Ed convinces me that I have ate all the o so yummy food and possess
Me to do crazy workouts every Sunday, bit this Sunday is dif I did not get that chance
I had to do school work and was never left alone and i had to eat dinner on top of that
Which is making me in quit the horrible mood. Needless to say I am sick and tied of this
Nasty disorder and this constant battle I feel i have with my body everyday. Ugh done
With rant :(

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Yesterday was a turning point. One of those moments when I realized I've abused myself and my body for way to long. Years of therapy have went in one ear and out the other, tons of advice, and hopeless amounts of prayer have gone right past me. The problem was I wanted this. I wanted to be stuck in this battle, isolated and all alone. I pushed everyone away or rather my ED (eating disorder) did. Monday in therapy I realized I don't want my life like that anymore. I want friends, the amazing relationship I could have with my friends and family, and I want to be an amazing woman that can say she beat this horrible disorder. I know that this road to recovery will not be a over night thing, but rather a journey a long one with windy roads, sunshine, rain and the occasional rolls of thunder. This blog is going to be a place where I can put my everyday battles, inspirations and moments that made me smile. My prayers that not only I, but other amazing women that battle with this horrible disorder will find inspiration and support to overcome this nasty disorder.