After a three-year trial period, the federal government has finally given approval
for the sale of Combustabon in Canada. Manufactured by Flemco, a Belgian pharmaceutical
multinational, the drug is designed to reduce the possibility of embarrassing
spontaneous combustion-a condition that affects up to one Canadian every one
hundred and fifty years.

As its name suggests, spontaneous combustion involves people combusting spontaneously.

Although Combustabon has been available in Europe and the United Sates for
years, Health Canada delayed approval of the drug in 1998 as the department
investigated side effects that have been associated with the drug, including
severe heart palpitations, anxiety attacks, nausea, impotence, obesity, colo-rectal
cancer and sudden unexplained death.

While a departmental spokesperson conceded that there is a link between the
drug and the aforementioned litany of side effects, the link is not conclusive.
Therefore, the drug has been approved in the name of public interest, said
Yvon Égliseur of Health Canada.

"While there is certainly evidence that there are problems with this
drug, it's important people not combust spontaneously. It has a tendency to
weird people out, y'know?" said Égliseur.

At 278 dollars Canadian per 16-capsule bottle, critics of Combustabon have
also claimed that the drug is an overpriced placebo that preys upon the irrational
fears of the paranoid and hypochondriacs.

"There has not been a documented case of spontaneous combustion in this
country in the last 150 years," said Dr. Jonathon Wilmer of the Canadian
Medical Association. "There is absolutely no reason for anyone to take
this drug, and any medical practitioner who says otherwise is a quack or on
the take."

From Flemco's Headquarters in Antwerp, Loïc Flambeau, the company's
Director of Marketing, responded to Dr. Wilmer's criticisms by stressing that
the drug is effective. "Well yes, I mean .there are people who have
not taken the drug who have not spontaneously combusted, but the question
really is, are you willing to take that risk?

"Combustabon's record speaks for itself. Not one person who has taken
this drug has ever spontaneously combusted," proclaimed Flambeau.

However, Flambeau refused to respond to further allegations from the Canadian
Medical Association that the real purpose of the drug is to get people sick
so that they have to take additional Flemco drugs that are even more expensive
than Combustabon. "No, no ..no more interview .that is how
do you say? .slander. Tell me who said that."

Betty Mullen of the Canadian Organization of Aged People (C.O.A.P.) expressed
her group's support for Combustabon's arrival in Canada, saying that one life
lost to spontaneous combustion is one too many.

"It's about time we had the freedom to choose," said Mullen, before
leaving to get her prescription of Flemco's 'Plague Away' re-filled.