The Bachelor

“Today, I gave him the hymen maneuver. I saved his life: I should totally get a rose for that. Everyone’s like, ‘Oh, you straddled Juan Pablo?’ If you do the hymen maneuver and somebody’s, like, laying down and dying, you’re gonna have to straddle them.”

Victoria, waxing drunkenly about giving the Heimlich maneuver to Juan Pablo during their “photo shoot” date

American Horror Story: Coven

Myrtle (Frances Conroy), forever changing the way we think about her favorite fruit… whether we want her to or not!

American Horror Story: Coven (Bonus Quote!)

“I took down your entire company with about as much effort as it takes me to mix myself a Rob Roy. And Marie? Marie is immortal for Chrissake. Do you think we’re worried about guns?”

Fiona (Jessica Lange), dismissing the witch hunters’ queries about whether she wants to check them for firearms

Sleepy Hollow

“One sign of the impending apocalypse is surely skinny jeans.”

Ichabod (Tom Mison), letting Abbie (Nicole Beharie) know exactly what he thinks of the “finery” she bought him

The 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards

“And now, like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.”

Tina Fey, introducing an actor who’s dated his share of mannequins

Community

“To Miss Perry, I leave my iPod Nano, filled with music to take life less seriously by. I also leave this liquid nitrogen-cooled cylinder of my hyper-virile sperm, in case your lesbian lifestyle one day wears out and you wish to raise an army of geniuses.”

Speaking through the executor of his estate (Walton Goggins), passed-on Pierce bequeaths the first of many canisters of his sperm

How I Met Your Mother

“Oh, my God, you had a tree-way.”

Robin (Cobie Smulders), responding to Marshall’s (Jason Segel) revelation that the Slapping Tree might have been involved in his passionate night with White Flower

Arrow

American Idol

“Sorry, 64-B is out of place.”

Keith Urban, apologizing to his fellow judges after a stylist working on his hair delayed the next audition

Modern Family

“She’s like a self-cleaning oven!”

Phil (Ty Burrell), marveling to wife Claire about how their teenage daughter Alex acknowledged her own emotional meltdown and followed up by researching a therapist and booking a double session with him