My son, Joseph, died on May 26, 2005 after one hour on earth. This blog helped me sort through my feelings and prepare for his sister, Eleanor Grace, born in July 2006. Here's the ongoing saga of learning to parent after a loss.

Monday, March 20, 2006

I survived

Well, the dreaded hospital visit is over with. We drove down to my aunt and uncle's on Friday night, slept late on Saturday, and then headed over to the hospital with my aunt and my 16-year-old cousin. It helped that there were a ton of people there - at various points including the two of us, my aunt and cousin; my mother and stepfather; my father and his wife; my stepbrother, his wife and their two daughters; and a college friend of my brother's who looked a little shocked to find the room so full. I think that helped - it would have been really awkward if it had been just us.

The baby was wide awake when we got there - I don't know if I've ever seen a baby so alert and yet so quiet at the same time. She's cute, with black hair and pink cheeks. It was kind of sweet to see my brother hovering over her and changing her diaper, handing her around to be held, taking her picture. He was doing it all because SIL was still in pain and couldn't really get up. They seemed exhausted and very young, but happy.

I had gone in not sure if I would be able to hold her - I haven't held a newborn since before Joseph was born. I couldn't even hold Joseph. But when my mother handed her to me I took her...tears started to well up and I was afraid I would cry in front of the whole room, but I managed not to and I don't think anyone noticed.

We stayed for a few hours and then left for the drive back up to Boston. It was a weight off my mind, so I guess in that sense going made me feel better. The strange thing is that I was sitting there holding this newborn baby girl and yet I still couldn't picture myself holding my own new baby girl. Even being pregnant, even feeling her move at the same time I held her cousin, didn't give me that feeling of "that's going to be me soon." Why not??

Congratulations! I told you, you're very brave and having held Emma was really noble of you.I think from now on, things are going to be better and better.And don't worry, I'm sure no one really pictures themselves with her baby until she's actually there.Good luck!

I am glad you remain relatively unscathed after the visit. I agree with the self-preservation comments--I still get nervous thinking about being in your situation in May--don't know how I'll handle the hospital visit. You've shown how strong you are.

I think you're amazing to have been able to hold that little girl, or any other baby for that matter. Regardless of how strong anyone might think I am, I am pretty sure I won't be capable of holding another baby that isn't my own until mine comes home safely (fingers still crossed).

Thanks so much for all your support over these last few terrifying weeks, it's meant the world to me.

Oh, by the way, you are not the only one in full panel pants already! Yikes!