Saturday, August 13, 2016

I had just finished sixth grade. I had two "best" friends: Amy Turner and Rhonda Lopozer. I'd already experienced some of the misfortunes of "socialization" in public school. (The messed up way that children learn to interact... 'clicks'... and the cool and not cool kids, etc.) I'm not sure where I fit in, but I think I was part of the cool kids because Amy, Rhonda, and Angela were pretty dang cool.

We performed a skit in the gym to the song: "Leader of the Pack". That's how cool we were. No one else got to do that! I honestly don't remember if we were just part of a talent show. But in my memory it's more of a 'Only We Got To Do It' sort of thing. We had so much fun doing that skit! Amy was the main singer: We met him at the candy store... Rhonda and I were back-up singers. Angela was "The leader of the pack". She even rode a bike to represent a motorcycle in the gym!

So, I was looking forward to starting seventh grade with my awesome friends. I had no idea we were moving. And then we were. And I hadn't said goodbye to my friends! I was so sad. And I tried to talk my parents in to letting me go and say goodbye. Maybe they took me to Rhonda's because she was also Navy, but I didn't get to say goodbye to Amy or Angela. I still don't understand that... how I didn't know so I could tell everyone goodbye.

It was that move that began my belief that Heavenly Father moved us because I was bad. I was just sure that I'd done something wrong and that's why we had to move away from my best friends and I'd never see them again. I felt like each move after that was just more of the same. I was bad and doing wrong things, so we had to move.

I also remember, I think, my parents being so angry at me for being sad about the move. Maybe my Dad even yelled at me as we were driving away. I think that was a normal reaction... anger/yelling when I cried. I have done poorly in perpetuating that as a parent. I hope I will change enough so that my children will remember very few instances of it (and maybe only Ria, Kat and Tea will remember it at all?). I'm working so hard to change. I hope to be a new Mama in Christ very soon!

Saturday, August 6, 2016

There are a number of things I refused to see. It's good that I did because if I'd seen them for what they were, I wouldn't have married Jessie and wouldn't have been blessed to have the children I do have. I love and adore my children. I am glad I have the ones I have, so I'm glad I didn't see these things for what they were.

While I was in Australia, Jessie decided to buy a car. He communicated with me about his decision and asked me what I thought. I told him I was fine with it as long as it was NOT a red car. He bought a red car.

Before he left on his cruise, I asked him to buy a ring for me in each port. He did not. I asked him, specifically, if he wanted to get me an "engagement" type ring to NOT get a diamond. I asked for another stone, even my birth stone... but not a diamond. I also told him I would prefer if any ring or rings that he bought me were NOT gold.

He did not buy me a ring at each port. The ring he purchased as the engagement ring was both gold and diamond.

There are more examples I cannot recall this moment... from before we were married. But basically, this tendancy to do exactly opposite my preferences has persisted throughout our marriage. I'm still not sure what it is... why he does this.

I know how it FEELS to me, though. It feels like he doesn't care a bit for what I say. And, unfortunately, that has proven true all too often. It hurts. I dislike it very much. At this point, it's something I just accept, though unhappily most of the time. When he's in one of the all-too-short "seasons" where he behaves as if he cares what I say by doing what I've said, I'm usually surprised. Happily so, but also I feel very mistrustful of it. I often wonder why he's doing what I said or asked for... or why he's doing it so quickly. I dislike this feeling of mistrust, but it has definitely been earned.

At this writing, we have been married 12 years and together for 14 (this was about a year ago, now). I am not miserable with him any more. I sure was for about two years... before we got preggie with EmJ and until relatively recently.

Interestingly and saddly enough, I'm pretty sure Jessie thought I was miserable with him for most of those early years. Mostly because I was miserable with me. My unhappiness with myself seeped out and he interpreted it as unhappiness with him. Such a sad misinterpretation. Easily rectified if he had only asked... and trusted/cared what my answer was. But he didn't.

I'm relatively sure he interprets my current happiness as a result of him, too. On a rare occassion, it may well be. But overall, currently, I am simply happier because I'm happier with me. I accept myself more than I ever have. And once through the acceptance, I feel a gratitude and love for all that is me. But not in a prideful or arrogant way.... I really think this feeling I feel more and more consistently is what we're meant to feel. Some get there earlier than me... some later, but I really do think it's among the many stops Father has purposed for our journey here on earth!

Regardless, I'm glad that my comprehension of these things I didn't comprehend about Jessie was muddled or that I simply didn't see them at all. I'm glad because , overall, I have an awesome family.

And Jessie is a good man who can become a truly great man if he chooses to do so. I hope he does. But even if he doesn't, I'll stay married to him unless he gives me Biblical reason to depart. And even then, I would have to make my decision based upon the circumstances, not just as a: I would definitely leave if he did___. Because I just don't know what God would say about it! There might be some really important reason to stay - even if staying meant that we lived completely separately. I just don't know what the future will hold and I'm not willing to hold it hostage by my choices today.

I do believe there are some really important decisions to make before the question arises. Like about substances one might potentially take into one's body (drugs, cigarrettes, alcohol, etc), how to behave with someone of the opposite sex both before and after marriage, how to deal with money when it's had, and more. But for a marriage... I think it's easy to say one thing, but may not be easy to fulfill that determination if the circumstance plays out.

Regardless, I think Jessie and I will stay married until one of us dies... at least.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

I honestly cannot tell you FOR SURE where these woods were. But I do remember playing in woods really frequently and I think it was in Oak Harbor, Washington.

I remember this one little hidey place. It was my special place. Perhaps it could be called a thicket.

I went there the most. Perhaps that's the only place I really played in the woods. It is the only part I remember now.

Perhaps it is the memory of the feeling of safety and enjoyment that is part of the reason I'm working so very hard to "re-wild" myself. these days and since way back when we moved to Florida. So that my children will have the fun and feeling of safety of having their very own woods with thickets in which to play. They do!

I don't know what they will remember of this time during which our homeplace is very wild. I do know they have so much fun out there. As I become more comfortable, I'm able to let them wander more and more. Currently, their wanderings are not all that far from our dwellings.

Our first fall on our property, we had VERY tall grass because it had not been mowed in ages and we didn't have a mower that could manage it when we moved on the place. The children turned the tall grass into a neighborhood... forming tunnels in the grass, tromping down grass for paths, and making rooftops of grass laid atop the grass tunnels. It was wonderful.

More recently (fall 2015), we had far less grass, so the children moved their imaginary neighborhood making into the woods beyond where their grass homes had been. And instead of houses, they call them castles or other grand adjectives... and Ria even has apartments for her siblings in her castle.

They do also fight. I hope, though, that they will remember the fun more than anything!

First Mama. Then Writer. Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be the primary breadwinner for my family. My desire is first, to do the Lord's Will. Thus this new direction and new focus.

It would be disingenuous of me to leave it at that. You see, I've been struggling greatly. I'm like the child, perhaps you have one or have seen it... they obviously want to do what their parent says more than anything, but perhaps the attitude during the doing is negative... or even downright rotten? Well, I've been mired in the negative all too frequently as I've realized this new direction.

My recent past makes even more sense now than ever. When EmJ was a baby, I was working to sell Lilla Rose. Do you remember that? I didn't exactly want to do it then. Certainly didn't want to do it full-time indefinitely. But doing it during the time I did enabled me to learn MANY things that have been extremely useful as I've begun to develop my "author's platform".

Have you ever heard of such a thing? Even if I chose to go with a Publishing House when my manuscript is ready, they want their authors to have a strong platform because they expect them to work on marketing their creation. No more are authors able to write and focus exclusively on writing... for the most part.

And if an author goes Indie... even more important to have a strong platform.

I hope you'll follow me at my new Author's Blog. It'll help me and you'll still be able to read my thoughts and stories when this blog is closed. It's coming to the end, my friend.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

My Mom told me this never happened... and maybe that's true. But this is my story as I remember it. And, in my memory, this happened way more than once.

I loved Oak Harbor, Washington. Maybe that's because it is there I can pull up my first memories. I have no idea why I cannot remember before I was five years old. I think it is rather strange to not be able to remember before 5, but perhaps it's rather normal?

It rained very often in Oak Harbor. I have learned since, that it rains a lot on that side of the Rocky Mountains. It may rain more often in Oak Harbor than a little farther East into Washington State... I don't know about that. I do know it rained a LOT there.

It didn't rain in the dark all of the time, or even most of the time. In my memory, the rain fell just as often with the sun shining bright as with it hidden by dark clouds. I remember finding myself in misty rain while playing in the sun really often. And there were even many times when I could see the drops falling down, but they never touched the ground. And back then I was pretty close to the ground (little kid), so I could readily see the truth of this observation. That's the part my Mom says never happened, but in my memory is has always been and will continue to be what is true for my story!

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Stories are my life. My life is stories. They are, indeed, what lives are made of... really. Even a plant’s! Or rock’s! Everyone and everything has stories. If only we could know them...

I love to share stories. Both mine and those I hear. I just prefer not to do so directly from my mouth. Why?

My words, as they flow from the tips of my fingers onto the digital page flow like lovely water. Similar to the various ways water flows in many ways on the surface of our lovely earth.

But try to speak them and the flow is hampered. Somewhat similar to a dam forming at my teeth… and the words to form the stories in my mind and heart… they get stuck. The flow stops and the lake forms… not a natural lake, but the forced kind... the man-made kind. And I feel stuck. The stories don’t mean exactly what I meant them to mean when I speak them. So, I usually don’t speak my stories. It’s so much nicer to believe that the story is as I meant it to be when I write it.

Of course, there is the reality that any reader will bring their own garbage to interpretation of my tale. And so, perhaps my meaning is just as mangled as a result.

I am a planet circling the sun (Tori focus on Christ). I have rotation and revolution in my path that is one continual round through this life. Through my course, as on earth, there are times when I am closer to the son and times when I am farther away. There are times when I am facing away and may know the light, but not feel it. There are times of eclipse, too.

This system perspective enables me to see even more clearly how and why others in my life may not like it when I change. My path is easy for them to be around, until I change. And then, they must either also change or be in continual discomfort, or depart.

Each family is like a solar system. Hopefully Christ is the "son" but oftener it is an emotionally abusive person upon whom all focus, rather than Christ. Each person in the family has their set course, which is determined, in part, by "gravitational pull" of their own mass as well as their own relatively to the others in the family.

The larger community is then a universe, varying portions of it depending upon which type of community (neighborhood, town, city, nation, etc) one is considering. Our world would then be like unto the galaxy.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

It's likely he got the idea from someone else's life. My Dad, though a genius, doesn't have many original ideas. And, really, when it comes right down to it, he doesn't often execute his borrowed ideas very well.

We didn't have much of a relationship. The main time my Dad interacted with me was to punish/discipline me or to hit my leg when he thought something was funny while we watched TV together. Seriously.

So, I wasn't too excited about the prospect, but yet... I was totally excited. My Dad was taking me on a date. My first. He told me he wanted me to know how boys should treat me, so he was taking me on a date to model what I should expect. I'm sure that effort would've been more successful if I'd actually valued myself at all. I didn't, which I'm sure is a result of generational curse stuff as well as not feeling like my parents valued me much at all.

I remember that he held the door for me. He took me to dinner. And then to a movie... in a movie theater! We watched Beauty and the Beast. I really enjoyed the movie. It was my favorite Disney cartoon movie for a long time after that date. I'm sure that's because of the date, really.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

About 2 weeks before the miscarriage Jmy told me that I was going to die in 5 minutes.

A few days later, Jmy told me I would die soon.

I was shocked and hurt and scared. My toddlers have a tendancy to be prophetic speakers of God's words that I can't seem to hear on my own. So, I was super scared.

The spotting started about 10 days later.

I missed church on January 11, 2015 because I'd had spotting the night before and a good bit of pain. No more spotting until the 14th. The 15th was the main day of the miscarriage. Jessie worked a job at a nursing home on the 14th and went in for the 15th. Because it was a bad situation, we'd made arrangements for him to come home in the middle of that day if certain criteria were not met. When we spoke on the phone, I learned that he would work all day. I told him I was definitely having a miscarriage (he hasn't known anything about the pregnancy at all until the night of the 14th when I was pretty sure I was beginning to miscarry).

Josh and my Mom were in communication with me. I'd asked for prayers via Facebook the day before and updated with information about the miscarriage to ask for more prayers. As a result of communication with Josh, he suggested that maybe Jmy's words had been pertaining to the pregnancy loss. Immediately it all fit together and I felt an immense peace and calm. I was able to immediately understand that the baby had died about two weeks ago... so my body was sweeping out what could not grow. I had been very worried that my body was pushing out a viable baby. So the peace and comfort in my heart and mind was amazing.

I was still sad Jessie wouldn't be around to help me through, again. When he told me he would be working and he asked if that was okay, or something... I told him I understood and ended the conversation.

He surprised me by coming home with flowers and a movie in hand. The flowers were ALIVE flowers. The movie was, in my opinion, more his kind of flick... but still. He sure was trying to be loving and thoughtful! It worked... and helped!

I'm so thankful he was home because I needed to have a funeral. He dug the hole for me and didn't tease me or anything about it. We did have the funeral and the peace and comfort in my heart, mind, and spirit enabled me to pass all of the big clots that first day. I felt a moment, as I lay in bed, where I had the choice to hold on or let go. I asked God to make me able to let go and heal quickly and I believe he sure did!

The process took only a week from start to finish. I did have spotting a week after the end of the miscarriage, but it was only for one day. I still felt very tender and gentle toward my body a few weeks after the miscarriage finished and was not ready to be intimate with my husband yet... both because I'm not ready to consider becoming preggie AND because I want to give my insides plenty of time to be fully well.

All in all, this miscarriage was much easier to process through and deal with. I'm very grateful for that!

As a note, and not "official" miscarriage stories, but definitely miscarriages to me... Before I got preggie with our current newborn, I had two slips... one in each of the preceding months before I got preggie with our current youngest babe.

Slips, to me, are miscarriages that happen either right before or right after you get a positive on a pregnancy test. The first month (April 2015) I didn't get a positive, but I knew I was preggie. The blood came before it should have. The second slip, in May 2015, I did get a positive on a pregnancy test. The blood came late.

I ordered Progessence-Plus from Young Living and started it as soon as it arrived. I feel certain that God Led me to that purchase because I got preggie AND kept the baby!

Saturday, June 18, 2016

As of this writing I have had two. One between Jmy and EmJ. I bled that one out at the end of June 2012, which was a year before EmJ was born.

Honestly, I think it was EmJ and she just needed to be born in June!

The more recent miscarriage started January 14 was, I believe, twins.

The first miscarriage

I found out the baby was dead via an ultrasound. I'd been so very happy to be preggie. Jessie was, perhaps, less thrilled, but accepting, for the most part. I think he was relieved when I had the miscarriage, though.

Perhaps I was in denial about the whole thing. I certainly didn't really want to let go of the pregnancy. I didn't feel supported or loved by my husband and believed I needed both of those things. I'm sure all of that made the whole thing more difficult to endure.

My feelings of loss and pain were enormous!

My friend, Ellen, came to bring me pain medication. Jessie was at work. I was so hurt and angry that he went to work and left me alone to deal with this traumatic event. He was being paid salary, so missing a day or a week... he'd still get paid. But he believed he had to go to work. He has, in my experience of him, put his efforts for school and work before my needs. So this was just another slap in my emotional face, as it were.

I'm sure my feelings about his absence made it all way worse.

I also did not really fully mourn the loss during the process of it. I think I was just so in denial and so hurt over Jessie's choices that I wasn't dealing with the actual processing of the miscarriage.

I picked up the tissue I thought was probably the baby out of the toilet and then put it back and flushed. That hurt more than anything, I think. I felt like I should've honored myself... the time invested in that pregnancy, and the baby more than flushing it down the toilet.

It took me months to deal with the loss of that pregnancy. I may have been okay by the time I was preggie with EmJ about 3 months later. Maybe.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

This pregnancy has been significantly different from the others. First, I'm sure, because of oils. Second, because I was so much more clearly focused on Faith. And Third... because of our choice of lifestyle.

Some of the highlights (which I so name only because they are the things that stand out the most, not necessarily because all of them were super positive):

-I didn't feel baby move much at all until right around twenty weeks! (Super late compared to the preceding pregnancies.)

-Jessie ended up mostly unemployed through the majority of this pregnancy.

-He decided to quit smoking.

-My children caught lice and we ended up having it for months. I attribute that, in large part, to catching it again after being free of the ghastly buggers for less than two weeks AND the difficulties inherent in the way we choose to live.

-I took a two-night, one-day, time-out in our camping van.

-My Uncle Matt killed himself (January 2, 2016).

-We took our first 'staycation'... the reason for it was so battle the lice bugs... we simply do not produce enough electricity in the winter to use a blow dryer on three girls' heads!

-When baby started moving so I could feel him regularly, I felt frequent movements all over the place.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

I just "knew" EmJ was a girl from early on. This was my easiest pregnancy as far as the physical side of things goes. However, it was the most difficult emotionally and spiritually.

Jessie and I were having a really difficult time from before EmJ's conception. Things just got worse and worse. I definitely experienced prenatal depression during the pregnancy, which was, in itself, upsetting because I was so close to being healed of depression, generally, I thought.

I also had a miscarriage before I conceived EmJ. That miscarriage was really difficult and traumatic for me (I'll share about it in a post after this one).

Eventually, the children and I went to visit my parents after Thanksgiving and before my birthday (also before Christmas) in 2012. We left very soon after Thanksgiving... it was such a wonderful Thanksgiving, too. Probably our best to that point. So it was a major bummer to feel like my marriage and life was falling apart after it.

I have come to believe... come to understand... that both Jessie and my family lines have generational curses and/or emotional dark spots around pertaining to that period between Thanksgiving and Christmas... perhaps covering both of those holidays. I haven't figured out exactly what, but it's like an energetic pall that impacts us.

When we can define a problem, we have made the first step toward solving it. However, I've known the problem for a few years now and still have not figured out how to resolve it. I am working on it, though!

So, my four children and I stayed with Mimi and JPa for almost 3 months. It was an important experience as I was able to see some things about my brother John and my Dad that I couldn't have seen if I wasn't there during that time. I know I was supposed to be there. I'm not happy that I was there under the negative circumstances that Daddy and I were experiencing.

We returned to Florida some time in March (before Ria and Jmy's birthdays) and EmJ was born on June 10th. I just knew she would be born on June 10th from the very beginning. I'm so happy she was because my sister has two daughters born on that day. I don't know exactly why, but that's just been special to me from the very beginning of my pregnancy to grow EmJ.

I was in labor, but it was the night before EmJ would be born when I heard from my yet-to-be-born-baby that one of her middle names should be JOY. I'd already settled, for sure, on Evelyn Margaret, so Joy fit nicely after that, in my opinion. And it seemed perfect to me that we would call her by her initials. It sounds like we are saying "MJ"... like Mary Jane. But we know we are saying her initials.

Labor started in the evening on the 9th. It was manageable.

I woke during the night to more difficult contractions. I was able to faith my way through most... so it was hard work, but not painful.

Later, I felt like I wasn't able to maintain as good control and things started to get painful.

Eventually I woke Jessie up. He brought the big brown leather chair to me in our bedroom and I was able to labor in that a little bit.

After a while, very early in the morning, Jessie called Karen and told her we thought it was time for her to come. She did.

When she arrived and checked me, she told me I was 7cm dilated. I was really unhappy to hear that because I was concerned that I would go another 12 hours just as I had with Jmy. I should've been okay with that... I should've trusted my body and my baby more. But I didn't.

I went to the bathroom and applied essential oils to my belly, to the inside of my left ankle, and did accupressure.... which is how I started labor to have Jmy.

The labor became very difficult and painful.

When my midwife, without my permission, broke my waters, I felt a horrible snap and a tremendous pain radiated out from my right hip. I couldn't stand up as a result. I just knew (didn't tell her, but it shouldn't have mattered because she should've asked me to break my waters - rather than doing it without my permission!) that EmJ was supposed to be born in the caul. I feel so sad that she didn't get what she was supposed to have! Her birth was way more traumatic for both of us, but especially her, than it was meant to be.

Immediately Karen felt there was cause for concern (she found meconium in the amniotic fluid) and had me move from standing up next to the crib to lying down on my bed and pushing. EmJ was born with only a few pushes. She was breathing very easily, but I knew she was far more disoriented than she should'be been. I just feel so badly that I didn't protect her better... in a LOT of ways!

EmJ was born in Mama and Daddy's room, on the same bed as Jmy, in the same house as Jmy, in Florida. EmJ was my smallest baby at 8 pounds and 2 ounces! 2 ounces smaller than Ria.

You can read more... perhaps including lots of redundancy... about EmJ's birth from when I originally wrote about it HERE.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

This pregnancy was good. I was not as active. We lived in a different part of Florida in a house we'd bought a mortgage for. I got preggie almost immediately after we moved in. I think I had my first miscarriage, but it was so soon after conception that I don't "officially" count it because I couldn't have gotten a positive on the pregnancy test at that point. So, that was my first 'slip'.

I didn't really get out to walk. And didn't get very active. I probably ate too much chocolate and other sweets. I'd done that with the other children, too... to some extent. But this time, for whatever reason, I gained weight like crazy. 40 pounds, to be exact. Because of that, and a couple other details, I just knew I was preggie with a boy. I didn't tell Jessie because I didn't want him to be totally let down if I was wrong. I knew for sure I was right when Karen (our midwife again) told me to let Daddy check for parts. Jessie cried like a baby again when he realized he had a boy.

For the full story (a three part series in itself, check it out HERE).

I readily remember that when Karen, our midwife, arrived, I was 7cm dilated. I was very happy to hear that. Everyone was sure our baby would be born very quickly. He was not.

It took about 21.5 hours for him to make his entrance into the world. He was also very high... not engaged the way Karen wanted him to be. But I still pushed him out quickly.

In only two pushes, to be exact! My fastest to that point. He was a blue-chord-around-the-neck-baby, but not as limp as Kat when she was born. Karen put oxygen in front of his nose and he pinked right up.

Once again, I felt the same miraculous heart expansion and capacity-to-love-growth that happens at each birth. It is just amazing! Jmy was another 10 pound 4 ounce baby! He was NOT as fluffy as Tea, though. He was just solid. And has remained solid ever since (now five years old!).

Jmy was born in Mama and Daddy's bedroom, on our Kingsdown bed that I bought for $800 from a lady who had horrible allergies in Virginia, in Daddy's "castle" house in Florida. I remember lying down diagonally and Karen, being sorta wedged in between the wall and me on the bed.