Thursday, May 31, 2007

I need to:Cut all of the pants I made for D off and make them into shorts...Hunt down a few new pairs of swim shorts, cause this year two pairs just ain't cuttin it.Dig out a couple of plantersBuy some potting soilBuy some radish and lettuce seedsDo some laundryPut all laundry away...Hang that shelf I've been meanin to hang since I bought itFinish washing and chopping the fruit I bought todayvacuumClean the bathroomTake clothes up to the drop off bin at the dumpGo to storageGet some speakers for my compFinish cards for vets

It never fails to amaze how patient Darius can be when I ask him to be.

Today, while at the store, I bought some carrot and Chivge seeds to plant in one or two of the planters Kimmie has. I phoned Gramma to ask if i needed anything special to plant them in (soil and such) and she said just a bag of regular potting soil, or just plain old dirt would do the trick. So, I'm hoping, since I don't know all that much about it, to plant those and some radishes and lettuce seeds over the next weekend with Darius. It'll be nice to give him a job to do outside.Darius made me proud today, though I usually take it for granted, when we were eating our dinner, Spiderman was on the tv and he wanted to watch it instead of a movie in his room. He hopped off the couch and said, I'll be right back mom, I'm going to go turn off my tv so I don't waste electricity! He's said that a bunch of times, but it never really impacted me like it did tonight. i dunno why. I'm trying so hard to bring up a young man who's aware of his surroundings, and I can truly see how positive he's becoming. He turns off his light and tv automatically when he's leaving his room to do something else, and he knows what goes into the recycling bin and where all the empties go. This, it seems, was automatic to me too cause that's all I remember doing growing up. Why, then, does it seem such a hardship for people who don't automatically do it?It's hard sometimes, to explain things to Darius. We'll be at McDonald's, and someone let's their kids climb all over the outside of the structure, when the rules say not to. When i ask Darius not to do it, he asks why the other kids can and he can't. Or sometimes he'll ask why some people are short, or why some people are tall (within earshot), or why some kids are allowed to do dangerous things (like climb slides, stand on swings) and he's not. I guess it all breaks down to parenting, and I end up saying some parents let their kids do those things, and some parents don't.He asked me today why we always do "Safety First!". I asked him if he liked getting boo boos (he's gotten a couple of scrapes last few days), and he said no. Safety first is to prevent you from getting boo boos, so you don't get hurt. That seemed enough for the time being.Sometime's I feel so overwhelmed with sadness at the way people treat their kids, and I truly have to wonder if what I see of people is really just a snapshot, or if it's prolonged. I know I'm not always the best parent, and that sometimes people don't see the best of me somedays, but do they think the same way I do?I've found such joy in my kids over the last few weeks. I enjoy them so much everyday I discover something new about them. Everyday I giggle with them, and spend time with them, and teach them something new, seperate and together. This is how parenting is supposed to be.Why, then, was it so difficult before?

Slept in this morning, and then got my butt in gear. We all showered (my time is now down to 30 minutes!), then went and did a few errands. Went to the bank, and switched money over, then went grocery shopping for sandwhich stuff and the like, then came home and packed a cooler, and it was off to the beach! We didn't get there until, like, 1:30, but we didn't leave until just after 5pm.I was silly and made D drink a load of water, and then he went on the swings right afterwards, and stayed on them for too long, so his tummy was upset and he got the hiccups. :o(We came home, and here we are...I still need to go to the gym tonight. I'm really enjoying the time I get to myself at the gym. I don't think about things, but focus on how hard I'm pushing myself. I'd like to think I'm seeing results already, but I've only been, like, 4 times. Oh well...as long as I stick to.I really want to apply for the Summer Camp Leader position through WFN.CA but am really debating whether it would be beneficial. Hunter would require full time daycare, which is available, but at what cost? Would I just be putting all my money into daycare and not earning, or would he suffer at all from it?I also feel intimidated, like it's over my head to apply...I dunno.Uploaded pics to Flickr.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Wow.I'm amazed at how much Hunter has grown since we began feeding him solids on a regular basis. He's just before a growth spurt right now, so he look's like a Timbit. All round, and sweet, and you feel like you could just nibble him up. He's still really independant. Wanting to feed himself, so I'm gonna hafta bite the bullet and put down a tablecloth (one of those plastic ones from the dollar store) under his chair and let him fly at it with a spoon and some food, cause he doesn't open his mouth wide enough anymore for you to do it.Am also just gonna go gung ho on the finger foods, cause he's close enough now that I don't need to worry, cept for the ones that contain dairy of course.Found a whole scwack of ppl I went to high school with on Facebook yesterday, was actually kinda scary. My vanity always ocmes into play during those times, as I'm sure everyone's does. the need to impress, to say, look how great I am now.My interview yesterday at Quality Greens was kinda nerve wracking. I don't have a whole lot of interviews under my belt, and I always feel a little unprepared for them, though I hope my honesty helps me out with those I'm not entirely certain they do.She asked about my past work history (what sort of terms I left on), family, time schedual, pay expectations, amount of detail, how I handle disgruntled customers, why I'd make a good addition to their team, why they should hire me, why I think they'd find me valuable. Oy. Wasn't prepared to answer questions like that at all...just for a cashier's job? Afterwards, I went and picked up mom and the boys from McDonalds (dropped em off so D could burn off some steam) and found D thoroughly engrossed in a conversation with this other boy. I was impressed because I've never found another boy who chats as much as D does and can. Exchanged phone numbers with the boys' mother and she left...soon after so did we.Took D to the gym while mom and Hunter took a nap, and he played hard. D was supposed to have taken a nap yesterday, but he didn't. So, today is now a nap day cause when he gets tired he talks more, gets more rowdy, and is much more prone to temper tantrums. What child isn't, though, right?I pushed myself pretty hard at the gym lastnight, and am surprised I'm not sore today. guess that's a good thing. I think it's fair to say I enjoy the gym, but I don't enjoy walking or running outside where everyone can see me. I must be afraid I'd look like a girly girl.Yesterday was pretty busy, had the dentists with D, my councilling appt, then i had an interview and then the gym. Lotsa stuff.The dentist said that D's filling had popped out again (the one I just had replaced not too long ago) and he has to refill it, and this time he's actually gonna do it and not the guy in Peachland. Interesting. Annoying how they keep popping out. I'm amazed D doesn't say anything about it hurting or nothin.Anyhow, don't have much planned for today, though I'd like to enjoy some time outside and get some sun, it depends on how bad my allergies get.I think the boys have allergies too, cause they're sniffly, and sneezy too, specially when we go outside. Hmm...

Monday, May 28, 2007

I have an interview tommorow afternoon at 3:30 at Quality Greens.this is a lot easier going than the last time I was looking for a job. I'd like to think it's because I'm different, but I know it's got a lot ot do with the job market.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

I'll have an interview this week sometime for the Care Aide position. yay me!I wonder what the pay is, cause it wasn't posted on the newspaper ad. I know there won't be benefits either, but mom's attempting to get the kids covered for benefits through herself at work, cause apparently she can do that for them...I'd only be eligable if I were in full time school.I was thinking about browsing what UBCO has to offer me in the way of courses...but I just don't feel like I could choose. I'd be like a kid in the candy store.

*sigh*After revising and editing my resume, I sent it off to Quality Greens, and another Home Care Aide position asking for part time and evenings, but it's in Kelowna. I'm also planning on getting one off to Extra Foods, and maybe Canadian Tire or Home Depot. Hopefully something will come from it all in the next 2 weeks. We shall see...I hate waiting for a response.

sheesh...Hunter just doesn't want me to feed him anymore :o( He's on this hwole, no, I wanna feed myself kick. So, I'm steaming veggies like a madwoman for him just so he can feed himself. It's adorable how he just casually picks up one piece and puts it in his mouth.He also has the same pooping schedual as his brother...the minute he's sposed to be eating, he's gotta go. Makes for an interesting meal time.

I weigh 140 pounds. I had to size my watch down this morning, because I discovered that I was able to slip it on and off my wrist without undoing the clasp. Yikes. Concentrated on it, and removed 4 links for it to fit nicely. I wonder why I never sized it down before...hmm. I'm pretty sure that the last time I checked how much I weighed I was in the 150 region, but it could've been 145 as well...I can't remember. Must be a combination of my diet, and the gym?I have really teeny wrists.So the conference yesterday was ok. The first workshop, and the keynote speaker were terrific...but the last two workshops were really boring, and the last one was just plain useless. It was disorganized, and the other two women who attended with mom and I turned it into their personal therapy session. How annoying. Mom won a doorprize...after they called both numbers on either side of her and had me giggling so hard I had tears.They had a really yummy lunch of wraps from a place called Hungry Hound. Fresh fruit and muffins, plus the wraps and coffee and tea and water. Was very well organized that way.So, the place had no air conditioning and the first room we were in for our first two workshops was stuffy and muggy and warm. Yucky. The last room we were in was the coolest, and about 10 minutes into it our facilitator looked like he was ready to pass out, so one of the other ppl offered to get him a glass of water. He was a large, heavyset, older man, and by the time I looked up (I was concentrating on the handouts) he was drenched in sweat and realy shaky looking. So, someone came in and turned on the window unit air conditioner and it cooled off a bit and he got better. Scary.Darius met a new friend and every time I checked on him he was doing something with her, or they were holding hands on their way to do something else. Hunter was tired all day, and though our workshops were only an hour and a half each, he was real happy to see me ech time I went to visit and nurse him. They had a last minute opening in the daycare there for us. It was really busy...5 adults, so I'm guessing the full 20 kids, so I just kept Hunter with me for most of the last workshop. After the first one he took a nap, so he was there all day, but they didn't have to do a whole lot.Had to take my monitor back afterwards, but when i arrived to the Cardiology unit at the hospital, the door was closed and the sign on it said they closed at 4 (it was now 4:45) and if needed to go to the front desk and have them page someone. I was worried cause if I had known they would be closed I would've cut outta the workshop at lunchtime to get it off. took them about 15 minutes to get a hold of someone by paging them, then another 10 for someone to show up. I removed it myself, left it on the desk, and left.I hadn't realized that it was actually a gel sticky on the inside (I guess it makes sense, kind of like an ultrasound) and got it on my shirt and fingers as I was removing the pads. Later on in the evening I was getting ready to go out with mom, and I looked in the mirror and noticed I had suction cup marks on my chest! I giggled cause I thought everyone knew, and didn't tell me. They hadn't looked that close though. So I scrubbed and scrubbed, but they didn't come off. I'm wondering how long the sticky is gonna be there before it wears off.I had 3 people ask me yesterday if I was pregnant. I wore a shirt that had shirring in the front, to allow room for the monitor, and it left a bump. I felt fat. That was before I discovered I could slip my watch off though.I really enjoyed our keynote speaker, and am contemplating getting her book to help me teach Darius stuff. Cynthia Tobias, The Way They Learn. She was very humerous, and informative. So was our first workshop leader, a pastor from a local church about the anger in parenting. He used real life examples, was very approachable and humerous. I really enjoyed it and felt I had come away having learned something.We went and got pepsi floats from DQ lastnight...yummy! There was a long line up at DQ though, and just before we stopped and put gas in Kimmie's van (Hunter really likes Kimmie's van) and a movie was just getting out. It reminded me that I really wanna take D to see Shrek the 3rd and Pirates of the Caribbean 3. I wonder if that'll happen wiht my budgeting.I hate not working, and I hate having to ask for my money because then i feel guilty if I don't stick exactly to my budget. I feel like a schmo.On our way home we seen a bunch of firetrucks and cop cars and looky-loos at the front of our park, and this morning castanet says there was a housefire here lastnight that damaged two homes. This morning there's ash all over the place outside, and not just fine ash, big chunks of ash. Must've been windy.

Friday, May 25, 2007

It's funny how the nights where I've gotten the least amount of sleep usually lead to my busiest and productive days.Had an evening nap with th boys. After we all go tup, I cooked dinner, ate and started cleaning. Got the table cleared off and sorted. Everything put away nicely. Tidied up the living room and entryway. Vacuumed, then did a couple of loads of laundry. I finished hanging the pictures in D's room, made his bed, and tidied it up a bit. Took the kids outside to enjoy the cooler evening temperatures, then came in and got them ready for bed. I kept thinking that there was something I had to do tommorow, but couldn't member what. Then mom and Kimmie got home and she asked what time we had to be there...I clued in a few minutes later...LOL. I had forgotten about the parenting conference.I feel better that the house is tidier. I always seem to let it go for a few days, then I just get a buzz and clean, clean, clean.I need to fold my laundry before I hit the hay. I really need to go to bed early tonight so I'm not tired for tommorow.These adhesive thingies for my EKG are itchy and annoying. I'm glad it's only a 24 hour period that I need to wear them for.I still need to make my bed and put my laundry away. Guess I should get to.

Got myself down to the Hospital ontime...for once. Ended up their appointment just before mine arrived at the same time I did and took them a few minutes to sort everything out. Argh.Anyhow, took hunter with me, who slept until just before I had to get hooked up. He did ok.Have a bunch of wires and sticky pads on me now, plus thing thing hangin round my neck...yay me. Put a tank top on to keep the wires secore and to protect it from roaming fingers. Hopefully all will be well.They said I can take it back anytime tommorow, which is nice because now I don't hafta worry about interrupting my parenting with Piazzaz conference.Hunter had been just so grouchy the last few days...he refuses to sleep, and sometimes is just plain unhappy with anything and everything. Squirms and wriggles if you hold him, asks to be held when he's down. Boy it must suck to not be able to express yourself clearly.*sigh*Must be teething or something.Have nothing else schedualed today.Got my resume done, just need to make some adjustments to it, then am planning on emailing it off to a few more places. Would be nice if I could squeek into Timmy's...I'm really liking the idea of free doughnuts.Worked on our gifts for Chance this morning, since D decided to wake us all up before 7am. Got them finished, and wrapped and to the post office when I took D to Sport N Splash.His teacher said he did terrific today, and had no problems at all...I'm always relieved to hear that. Maybe I'm the high strung one.Bought Hunter some new Gerber Finger Foods lastnight at Wal Mart when I went and got my sunglasses. He really seems to like them. The package says not for babies under 1 year, but one month can't do that much harm seeing as he's eating fruit chunks by now and such. He really likes the Banana Fruit Puffs, and hasn't quite taken to the Sweet Potato Veggie Puffs yet, but I'll give it time. I had to buy new diapers for him cause he seemed to really be scratching at the ones Ronnie brought up for us. Yanking, tugging and scratching at the whole thing, and he was starting to get a rash around the legs. Switched to the regular Wal Mart ones and he seems better now. He still tugs on Mr. Winkie quite roughly, but at least he's not scratching and tugging at his diaper. I feel like I'm wasting diapers.Anyhow...dunno what I'm gonna do with the rest of my day. I guess I'll see when it gets here.

Phew...I had intended to have my resume done up and out by this past Monday. I totally put it off, until this evening. It took me almost 2 1/2 hours to build it, but it's done.Tim Horton's is looking for people! Yummy, all the doughnuts I could ask for...*g*Anyhow, am just gonna make a small list of places to apply at, nothing fancy. We'll see what comes of it.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Gotta come up with a plan to make Chance something for his birthday. father's Day is always easy as it's usually something the kids make, but his BIrthday is supposed to be something that makes him feel special as a person, not just as a father. Makes it kinda difficult, but I'm sure I'll figure something out over the next 24 hours. I'm planning on sneding it out tommorow that way both gifts get there on time.Went to the Gym on Tuesday and had a wonderful workout. Yesterday I was real sore tho, but that was due to ToM as well...My back was killing me lastnight (as usual from ToM) and I popped the 3 ibuprofen and grabbed the hot water bottle to veg on the couch till they kicked in. I went to bed just after 10pm.Am getting better at rolling outta bed when D does in the morning, even if it is the crack of dawn. I haven't consumed as much caffine which really helps with my energy levels staying the same. I find when I do drink more caffine than I should I have a lot of ups and downs during the day. So, I'm minimizing, cause I actually do crave it.Lastnight was the final Parenting Group down at Pritchard Park, and I made a ton of Chicken for it, and hardly any of it got eaten, and cause it was out for so long there was no way i was gonna save it. What a waste. I was a little irked cause the ppl running it went out and actually bought Chubby Chicken from A&W.I really don't like the elder that they have there...she's just so bloody snooty, gives you her opinion when you don't ask for it, and tells you how to raise your kids like it's her business. I remember when I first started attending baby group she said Hunter should've been eating steak and meats by now, and that I should'nt be nursing him so much. I just turned a deaf ear, but it gets difficult when every time you see her she's got nothing but criticism and unwanted opinions to share. People like that drive me nuts cause they remind me of Gramma. "My kids did this..." or "My kids never..." or "They have to learn..."Just fuck off, if you were there parent you could do whatever you want, but they are my kids and I'll do what I bloody well please because only i know what's right for them.This morningI unloaded the dishwasher, folded my laundry, and went to the gym. I was there for over an hour, but didn't get to finish my work out because poor Hunter was too tired to stay in the child minding room for long without me. So, I got in my cardio and left. I'll hafta go back later, and do my circuit training. Hopefully I can get mom to watch the kids for the quick time it'll take me to do that cause I don't wanna pay again...LOLI keep thinking I should go pick up my sunglasses, but gas costs so much now I don't want to bother until the price goes down so it doesn't cost me an arm and a leg to get them. Mebbe I'll get them this weekend when i go to the Parenting with Pizzaz conference, ot on Friday when I go to get my EKG hooked up.For the Parenting with Pizzaz conference, I'm taking mom and the kids. They have room for Darius, but not Hunter, so I'm hoping a spot will open up, otherwise he's coming to the workshops with me. I've enrolled us in:-Dealing with Anger in Parenting-Dual Parenting Not Duelling Parenting-Parenting SoloThe conference runs from 8:30 until 4:30 on Sturday, so I'm hoping my EKG won't interfere too much when I hafta go get it taken off, since it's supposed to only be 24 hours.I'm really looking foreward to this workshop.Tommorow D has his Sport N Splash at the pool, and mom's taken off the afternoon to pick him up so I can go do my EKG thing at the hospital.I finally found all the components to the computer for my room...mouse, keyboard, monitor cord & monitor, harddrive. I got it all hooked up, and now the monitor won't come on. I pulled mom's flatscreen out and it did the same thing, so I hafta wait now until Tyler makes his way out here on the 30th to see if it's the videocard. :oP I was really looking foreward to having some music in my room. Guess I'll hafta settle for my p3 player for now.Nothing to do...wonder whatI can create...

Monday, May 21, 2007

Took the boys to the May Days Parade up in Rutland today. It was a long parade, but very nice. We had fun, and met a new friend as well. Afterwards we went and played on the Big Bouncy then the playground before heading to Wal Mart.I wanted to stop by and pick up my sunglasses which they finally got in (only took em 2 1/2 weeks, when they said at most 1) and was also gonna print off some pictures (Father's day is coming and I wanted to ensure D had a picture with daddy cause I'm assuming they'll make something in preschool and need 1) but there was a 5 person per machine line-up so I just made an appointment for Hunter's 1 year photos instead and left.Now we're home again and I don't know what I feel like doing.Went to bed early lastnight, just after 10 maybe, and conked right out until 7am. I still don't feel fully rested, but I have the senaking suspicion that I'm not gonna feel that way again for a long time.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

You're confident and bold, and your lucky red underwear will only make you more sure of yourself.You have a great zest for life, and you tend to take on impossible goals - and succeed.

When it comes to love, it's hard for you to take the time to open up. You're too busy conquering the world.So if you're looking for a little more romance, put on your red underpants. And see where their passion takes you!

Went to gramma's yesterday. Played with the kids a bit...went to the park, went for a walk to the store more to put Hunter to sleep than anything. D had a meltdown cause I bought him a Kinder surprise instead of licorice. Stayed up not too late, got both boys asleep about 10, maybe just after. I tossed and turned for another hour before I passed out. Boy can those two generate heat! I got stuck right between them, cause they were both feeling cuddly...and I ended up shoving D into Hunter so they cuddled and slept while I moved to the edge of the bed where it was cooler. H didn't wake up until darn near 4am afterwards!Rolled outta bed just before 7am, and took a morning shower before everyone else (guys) rolled outta bed. Puttered round the house watching movies and exploring and racing the cars, while Gramma tidied up and cooked us pancakes. Not long afterwards Josh and Travis took D outside to play while I packed us up. We left just after 10am.We weren't even outta Little Fort when Hunter fell asleep. :o) Filled up with gas in LF cause it was still only 121.9 (opposed to the 128.9 in Kelowna). We stopped at the Kamloops Wildlife Park (now BC Wildlife Park) at around noon. We had lunch and proceeded on to the park. Had D in nice clean clothes and his Hot Dog jumped out of it's bun and bit him...full toppings and all. :o( Just buttoned him and and carried on.We left there around 2:45pm. Was lots of fun but cause their trails weren't paved i opted to just stick with the playground, petting area, and the train before we left. Bought some cute souvineers though. Got a couple of small, simple puppets that I plan on copying, and a few postcards.Had an uneventful trip home...went as quickly as I wanted it to at least.Got home and both kids were so happy to be home they were both bouncing and I could hardly contain them. Got three loads of laundry done so far, and that's all I got in me tonight.Got some great pictures...posted at Flickr.Fell in love with Colin James lastnight cause they were playing him all evening on the radio in our room at Gramma's. Decent music to listen to whilst tossing and turning. Got home and d/l-ed a bunch of his songs and have a clear favorite...called If You Need Me.I'm really liking these songs as well right now:Never Again - Kelly ClarksonGrace Kelly - MikaThis Is How A Heart Breaks - Rob ThomasDon't Matter - AkonCupid's Chokehold - Gym Class HeroesPump It - Black Eyed Peas

Friday, May 18, 2007

Well, we haven't exactly followed everything to a T yet, at least we've gotten ourselves into the habit of a routine.In the mornings, the kids play with Kimmie while I get a few small things done like put away laundry and do my morning computer time.I change Hunter's diaper, then get him fed. On mornings where Kimmie isn't here, we all sit down to breakfast at the table and talk about what we want to do that day.Darius seems a lot happier and accepting when I don't spring things like a nap on him suddenly. When I tell him he's going to have a nap that day, when the time comes he says I don't want to, but goes down anyways.Lunch is the same, we usually all sit down, or maybe Darius is watching a movie while I feed Hunter.We play, explore and have fun. Then when dinner hits we all sit down again (most times it's not always at the table, but I do try and get at least 2-3 dinners at the table during the week). Darius is doing better at focusing on eating, and though he's still not willing to sit down for the entire duration, at least he's not up and about after the first bite. I'm happy that Hunter agrees with having his face wiped after eating. I don't tend to be real messy, but when he has dark foods and such he really needs it and doesn't really complain unless I go over his nose too many times cause he feels like he can't breathe.Hunter has been trying to stand on his own so much he takes at least 3 spills during each part of the day. He gets upset, then as soon as he's comforted he's off again to try to manage standing on his own.Yesterday I took 2 hours and re-organized and cleaned Darius'es room. We hit the Bargain Store earlier in the morning where I bought a cheap plastic corner shelf, and a few bins to go on his other wooden shelf.I have his toys in bins, threw out all of his guns, sorted out the warmer clothes he doesn't need, sorted out playclothes and put them on a different shelf, hung up his backpacks, set up a lamp, hung up his shoes, put a laundry basket in the room, and got rid of a lot of garbage. I'm really happy with the way it looks in there now. Now all I hafta do is make his bed...and mine.My comp isn't fully hooked up in my room yet, but I'm not too worried about it right now, I can still do things in my room, it's just quieter.Today I'm going to vacuum and hopefully, if all goes well, wash the floors. Then I'm planning on getting some of the bathroom cleaned. We shall see.Gotta work on some more phonics and addition and subtraction with D today. He seems to understand them so well, I'm very proud.Hunter would hardly sleep yesterday, I htink his teeth were bothering him.We traded in all of our "bad" games for the Gamecube...for Shrek Smash N Crash, Spongebob Squarepants and something Bikini, and a new Sonic, and a new Super Monkeyball 1.It truly amazes me just how much Hunter eats in one sitting...I never really expected a whole container to go in one shot this quickly, but he's got a good appetite I suppose. I can't believe it's one more month till his birthday and till the time I plan on weaning.I looked on the Job Bank and such lastnight, and I know of a few places that are hiring, this weekend I plan on focusing on my resume and doing a few cover letters up.I liked the look of...:- Quality Greens- Advocare- Kelowna Cabs (I dunno)- Old Castle Glass- La Casa ($13 for housekeeping)- Canadian Tire (I dunno if they're hiring, but I may just drop one off anyways)- Home Depot- Sensisyuesten (Dunno if I'd be eligable since I'm not a band member)Hopefully I'll slip into a job soon, cause I'd like to feel like I'm not revolving completely around the kids all the time.Darius is just so helpful these days. He holds doors open for me, usually carries a bag (diaper or lighter), locks the doors on the car for me, does up his own seatbelt, listens when I say he's gone too far away and comes back, plays nicely and speaks nicely with me. though it's gonna take a tremendous amount of effort I'm trying to deprogram all of the bad things like the bad video games, movies, and behaviors that he learned from these things by eliminating them and correcting. He seems a lot less frustrated, and even a little less shy. The other night a prenting group he said "Mommy, I'm going to be brave and go and ask her what her name is!" I told him I thought that was a wonderful idea, but he had to wait until they were both finished eating first.I'm planning on hunting down a couple of nice frames and hanging them up in my room. I think I may still have a few in storage actually, now that I think about it. Gotta get some updated photos printed off of Chance and us. I'm thinking I may hang a few of Daddy and Darius in his room to go with the shirt, so Darius can talk to him anytime.I'm surprisingly content with how my life is at this moment. I'm not as angry as I was last week. Life is continuing as usual, minus one.I miss Chance a lot during the days...chatting with him, pointing out silly things on the street, laughing with or at him...but mostly it's nightime that's the worst. It's quiet and almost unnerving, until I refocus my mind on what needs to be accomplished the next day. Then I make my nightly list, and turn off the lights and go to bed. I like how my room is pitch black.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Yet another productive day.I'm actually getting intot his busy a nuts everyday thing. Always have something planned for the day, keeping the kids busy.Today was Hunter's first full day in daycare. I had parent duty on at pre-school, and then I had a Dr's appointment at 2, so I just left him there while I got those accomplished. I stopped by for an hour at lunchtime of course, to feed him, and they said he slept for 45 minutes after I left, which was a good sign of his adjustment. I don't plan on making it a habit of leaving him there all day of course, but it was nice to know that they are reliable and capable of putting him to sleep without me being there. They even commented on how I "Really know My baby".I got a full blood screen done after my Dr's appointment, and got my annual done, and I'm schedualled for a 24 EKG on the 25th. Joy.Yesterday I had my orientation at the gym, which was very positive. I've got the kids booked in for tommorow night...and I'm hoping to go every two nights. Here's hoping.Got hooked up with an old friend...talkin to her on th ephhone right now...I still see the huge gap at the top of my blog...how annoying.

Well, it's officially been a week since Chance left. Darius had his first "I miss Daddy" meltdown lastnight...was kinda rough. What stopped him was seeing me cry. He stopped and asked why I was crying, and I said, "I'm sad because you're sad". I ended up giving him one of daddy's shirts that had his bodywash and deoderant on it. Was tough.Today was busier than snot. I had a ton of phone calls to make this morning, making arrangements for appointments and such. Got D signed up for 3 classes at Johnson Bently, two of which start this Friday. Tommorow I have my first orientation at the Body Fit gym where I got my 3 month membership. Then I have the kids booked in there for Thursday evening. I'm trying my best to keep us busy, but the nights are definately the worst of everything. For both the kids and I...I'm left with just too much time to think, and stew.The longer I think, the angrier I get...the more I just want to scream.I've gottem my room almost the way I want it to look. I never put up posters when I was married because Chance didn't like them, so I'm enjoying the freedom of expression.I'm hoping things will get easier, and clearer in my mind as time goes on, but I feel so torn.This is so much more difficult with kids.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

It's been a long week,,,it just seemed to keep going.Wednesday I had Duty Parent day at D's preschool, and Thursday I dropped D off at daycare cause he wanted to play with some kids. Friday I had the boys all to myself, and boy was it a long one. It was one of those days where Darius didn't stop talking, not even to breathe.Did lots of shopping this week. I bought an old sewing table and am now using it as my comp desk, a bedside shelf narrow enough to fit between my bed and the wall, and a new entertainment stand for D's room that has the tv up too high for H to turn off on big brother.I also bought a new corkboard and a new shelf for my room. I moved Hunter's dresser to the living room to give me some extra room in my closet. I brought out D's chalkboard and hung it in his room, though i found out it won't hold magnets, which was disappointing. Now I don't know what I'm going to do to hold the choreboard that I want to make, but it just might end up being the new corkboard...we'll see.I'm quite proud I got almost all that I wanted to accomplish this week done...minus the fact that I can't seem to find all the components to the computer, we'll see how quikly I can get it set up. I'd like to get it networked with mom's so I can share an internet connection, but we'll see how that'll work out...may have to call in Tyler for a night. ;oDI've been going through a whole range of feelings this week. I've been angry, sad, and disappointed, to being really hopeful. I'm hoping the rollercoaster will stop soon so I can get some clear headedness and not be so disoriented.Thank god I have kids or this stuff going on would be ten times worse...my life is functioning right now solely because of them. I'm a better person right now solely because of them.Who knew?

Thursday, May 10, 2007

You claimed to be the lonely one,Something's lacking, it just ain't fun.You told me lies right to my face,Now my heart's all over the place.Now I'm left with both to care,You won't be found anywhere.I've cleaned you outta what you've left behind.I was never that unkind.To torture you in such a way,It's never going to be okay.Time will pass and I'll move on,Always searching for another dawn.To break into another day,To learn to love a better way.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

I'm home again...yay me.Well, yesterday was long. After waking up in the morning and wandering out...I noticed Chance sitting at the comp and I asked him, how did you get here?? LOL I had roused myself out of bed for that reason, I was worried he was stuck at the hotel waiting for me after I left in the middle of the night. Thankfully mom brought D to preschool and afterwards picked up Chance and dropped Ronnie off. It was busy, with last minute packing and re-packing. I had to go buy Chance another mp3 player because his went through the wash. :oP Zellers just doesn't have as much selectin as Wal Mart does. Spent most of the afternoon trying to download what meager amount of songs from the comp I had onto the device and it frustrated me to no end. grr. But, I did manage it, thankfully. Drove them up to the bus station and waited for an hour with them while we waited for the bus to arrive (tickets needed to be fixed cause they were having trouble with some names). Was a nice wait though, peaceful.Came home, ate some food, then got onto the road. Drove Gramma home, then went back to Kamloops to spend the night at Tylers. Arrived about 1:30am, and went directly to bed with the boys. Got up at 7:30 this morning and have been go go go ever since.Was a nice go though.Got up and fed D, then wandered round the house until just after 9am, when I got up and showered with both boys. That took forever, but I'm not that practiced at it. Got out the door just after 11am. I'm itchy all over so I must've been allergic to something of his...rash all over my skin, yech. Can't wait to shower tommorow morning.Was such a nice day in Kamloops, bright and beautifully sunny and warm, but windy as hell. At least it was a warm wind.We went shopping at Sal Mart (had to get capri's cause I was too warm in my jeans and socks) then to the thrift store next door to it, then to Thompson Park Mall for lunch, then on to The Fun Factor (arcade) where Hunter slept for just over an hour, and we blew aload of tokens at. Was great fun. then we went to the Dollarama in Landsmark Downe shopping centre, and then back up to Sahali (where Ty's place is) for some Subway. Afterwards we went back to Ty's house, met up with him, then went to Rucker's with Danielle and Niamh. We had some more great fun blowing more tokens. I was kinda disappointed that neither place was an indoor play place like Spacecause that's kinda what I was expecting, but oh well. Both places still had the same effect on D. Went to McDonald's for dinner, where they had a nice Playplace, that was actually clean. Hit a Timmy's, then attempted to drive home. Course a couple of stops to feed Hunter to get him settled down, poor kid, and I was home in about 2 hours.For the most part both boys slept on the way home, and was a nice quiet drive for me as there weren't a heckuva lot more drivers out there this late on a weeknight. Was nice.Now I'm home waiting for the caffine to blow through my system and updating my blogs, checking email. Unloaded the car, and hafta get the bed made before I hit the hay.Hafta get up early cause I have Duty Parent Day tommorow...gotta drop off Hunter at Daycare for that.Here's to the next week, where I can hopefully get myself and the kids on some sort of schedual that we all agree with. I'd like to catch up on those things I've been meaning to do that I just kept putting off in the shadow of the greater need.

Monday, May 07, 2007

D Day has arrived.Was sposed to spend the night at the Hotel from Ronnie but ended up getting called back for poor Hunter. Was funny cause I had just gotten to sleep about 20 minutes before they called, and when my phone rang I thought it was my alarm and I thought, boy it's 6 o'clock already, I feel like I just went to sleep. So, I hopped into the car and came home, didn't go back cause I had had a couple of drinks and didn't want to put Hunter into the car that late. Crawled into bed and let him explore in the dark, boy was he grumpy. :o)Woke up this mornin when mom popped her head in asking what D needs for preschool, and then went back to sleep. Woke up about 9:30 and rolled outta bed and found Chance in the living room. I was surprised cause I was feeling guilty that I was sposed to be there for breakfast with him and I wasn't, nevermind that I had stranded him. :oWent to pick up gramma on Saturday morning, which ate up most of my day. poor Hunter had to come with me, and he got carsick from Westside road, and his new medication for a Thrush infection. I can't imagine what it must've been like to feel yucky and nasueas and not have any way to tell me but crying. Poor little guy. :o(I'll be taking Gramma back tonight after Ronnie and Chance leave, then I'm sposed to go back to Kamloops and stay at Tylers.I got a 3 month gym membership yesterday at a local gym. I'm really looking foreward to having the ability to get time to work on myself. They're a really big facility for a gym. With a seperate women's section and a rather large child care room. I also get to join any of their fitness classes for free, and get a free fitness level and orientation to begin with. Not bad I would say. My first time with a gym membership.Had a yummy Turkey dinner Saturday evening, and an even yummier turkey stew lastnight.Am really looking foreward to getting time to myself now. It's been what I've been counting on since everything began. The time to concentrate on myself. It never really occured to me just how much energy I spend on my family, but my husband especially sucks a lot outta me cause I have to constantly shar emy focus and attention on him and both boys who always seem to want my full attention all at once.Though this last week has been really rough, in terms of me needing different things. I've been all over the place emotionally, but I think I've managed to keep myself in a decent line for the most part.I've really been yearning to spend time with just my husband...well that's been since our whole fiasco started, but even more so this last week. Funny how that works.I'm getting new sunglasses for myself this week, and I'm also looking foreward to getting a new mp3 player for myself for when I got to the gym.Reflections are coming, in any event...it will be interesting to see what comes about from it all.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Just a moments' respite. Holy Cow.

Hitting the ground running or what. Started off fancy by picking up Ronie from the border, then the next morning was preschool. Had an appointment downtown yesterday with a lawyer, who didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know.

Decided to cut my hair yesterday as well...went short cause it was just so ridiculously long it was driving me crazy (you know that length where someone always either sits on it, or lays down on it, and you have no power over it cause a simple head shake won't do anything). So, I got a real nice short crop, which I'm rather pleased with. Most other short cuts I've had have always made my face not as appealing but I'm liking the shape of this one quite well. :o) Anyhow, the lady cutting my hair (Native lady) said that it's better for Native's to cut their hair during a full moon because it grows back quicker (yesterday it was full moon). I actually enjoed her chatter while having my hair done as I felt I could really relate to her views and opinions, which has never happen to me before with any hairstylist I've ever visited. Intriguing.

Todya we took the kids to Scandia again, and then to wal mart, where I ordered a new set of magnetic sunglasses (since I lost mine on the way to Edmonton in Sept.) and got Chance an MP3 player. Am considering going back to buy one for myself now as well, considering I plan on getting a gym membership after they leave for myself.

Hopefully all will go smoothly until they leave...I'm sposed to go and get Gramma tommorow morning, Ralph can't come now because he's sick, and I was sposed to go and get her tommorow but she said there was an event she wanted to attend tommorow so blah. I'm hoping to snag a visit with tyler as I have yet to see his new place. We'll see.

About Me

Amber

I am a walking contradiction. I'm honest to a fault, but have learned to filter my thoughts to sting a little less. I'm growing at a glacial pace, and am inviting you to watch. It's about as much fun as watching paint dry, but at least you've got an invitation!