Walking down the lonely corridor

December 1985 was a time of trial. We had moved to a new home and it was a long day; having completed moving out of our old house, work still needed to be done. So we went back to the old house to vacuum clean and wash the wall to wall carpets. I was four months pregnant at the time and I started getting pains in my stomach. I did not think too much and continued to finish the work I had started. After a bathroom visit, I noticed I was hemorrhaging and started to feel very uneasy. We went back to the new home and fortunately there was a doctor a house away from us. I went to her immediately and she was concerned about the blood loss. So she managed to find an Obstetrician on call. She was able to see me straight away, but she was much further away. When I eventually got there, she was waiting. The afternoon was closing and the Doctor on call did an ultra sound immediately. I heard the worst news, the baby’s heart had stopped. Utter sadness and pain made me feel desperately alone. I had to go into hospital straight away. On arriving, I noticed my dress was stained with blood and I felt terribly stressed and hoped they would find the baby still alive. After being admitted they told me to go upstairs to the prep – room. Walking down the lonely corridor. My family had to go home as children were not allowed in the wards. I could have just passed out, the emotional pain was just crumbling down on top me. I felt everyone was looking at me.

I arrived at the theatre and the Sister on duty was someone I had known from many years back. I just did not feel like talking to anyone. At last the Obstetrician walked into the theatre and the Anesthetist put me to sleep. When they woke me up, I heard this voice saying, “okay everything is all over” and with that I burst into tears, with so much going through my mind. I was taken to a Private ward and they made me comfortable. No one came to counsel me, leaving me dreadfully alone and so sad, I looked at my dress next to me, blood stained. I missed my baby growing inside of me. It was the most sad and lonely experience. They brought me food and switched on the television, but I told them I don’t want anything, I would like to go home. I was tired and definitely did not want to be there anymore. After asking to go home so many times, the Sister on duty eventually came to me and said, it is not good to go home so fast. I just insisted and did not stop asking until they said they would call my family to come and pick me up. For the first time I felt a lot more calm. I went to bed as soon as we got home.

The next morning, I awoke at five o’clock and went down to clean up the kitchen, while cleaning the floors, I started crying, I was missing my little baby, I felt empty. Then I was caught up in a vision, – I was on the beach and I heard Abba Father say to me, “I want you to scoop a big handful of sea sand.” So I did and He said to me “now count the number of grains of sand.” I answered in tears “I can’t” He said “neither will you know how much I love you.” It took a while sitting on the kitchen floor with my rag in my hand and the bucket full of water; just pouring my heart out. It took me a long time to get over the mourning for the loss my little baby.

Four months later I found I was expecting. After four months had passed the scan showed my baby was well. So much joy filled my heart!! On a beautiful day in November I had my baby girl in my arms.

Psalm / Tehillim 40:1 I waited, waited for YHWH; And He inclined to me, and heard my cry. 2 And He drew me out of the pit of destruction, out of the muddy clay, and He set my feet upon a rock, He is establishing my steps.