The poetry of light and darkness.
The pain of being something you are not & being what you are.
Plain, bloody, consuming, lethal magnificent life.
My own past.
Not in years... but in agony.
Gothic and sometimes beautiful.
Always beating with a heart that is partly my own.
Stay a while and enter my world.

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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Where did I lose myselfWhen I closed my eyesInto another realityAnother dream that is moreThan sleeping promisesIn my lifeAll promises become dreamsAll the people that said I Love YouWasted on meA teenage nightmareWasting away insideOutsideWithin Without you.

There he did layBathed but not purified in sacrificeLost in grief- and immortal fearA love greater than all the oceansThey are merely his tearsBrushed away from his brilliant faceThat is the sunThe moonThe starsGalaxies near and farAll the universeReflected by his creative imagesHis breath gave us lifeThe Goddess gave him loveShe kissed his brilliant hornsKissed his shining faceWhite and redWoman and man That become oneThe divine union.

He walked without a sound
In the listless hum of night
Blood drinker, crimson soul
Broken spirit
A shadow in polluted streets
Clad in black velvet
To hide his dismay
At life never-ending
Fearing the death he will bring
Where can you hide
From demons that look like man-perfected?

She opened up like a nightshadeThe kiss of the nightFinding solace in her armsThat see beyond wrong and rightThe star in my black skyLost song in my heart If I could bring her back I would Forever goneI hear her howls in the nightGuttural and primal I know her animal state too wellDo I know anything more?Than her misery, sufferingChanging skins, changing heartsMind, body, soulOne with the wolfMy only love, protector, friend.

Lost momentsIn my mindI can't remember those times anymoreI just know I hated the farewellThose words that ended it allAs breakable as I amBroke me in twoI never saw you againYour breath was your own once more& I was alone

Fuck this life
I wanted it all
I shot threw the veins
Of Satan
Called his name- fireside
I feel him within
His laughter
Echoes through my insides
Maddens me
I feel all the hatred I've ever felt
Medicated but still insane
Feel lost sanity each day
Like bodies rotting
Children crying
Dogs dying
Suffering like I suffer
My fire dance
I do not see anymore
Not people-enemies
Not fire-sacred heart
& now I am lost
I played foolish games
Satanic games
Falling down
So far
But true purgatory is within

I like the darknessWhen night has full gripI lose myselfIn a sea of blacknessEmbracing the blanketOf sweet darkThe hand of nightGrips my crimson heartThat bleeds for youMy tortured soulThat screams for youGlow-in-the-dark loverI see you nowGlowing in this sea of starsIn my heart of heartsThe only light I loveWhen I see you comingHold you in my armsYou seem realLove seems possible& than you dissolve once againInto my loving darknessA personal entity Borne of a night-motherFantasy?Or manifestation?Glow-in-the-dark love

Left you behindIn the dustThat is my pastAs I sped awayI left you behindForgot about youIn this whirlwind lifeOnce shared with youWhen I left you aloneTo pick up shattered glassAll those things we held so dearPhotographs burnedThat showed such joyOnly we knewThat I held you so dearIs a mystery of the pastI don't know who you are anymoreI don't even know if you existIf you still breatheCome to meCome to me....

A suffocating reminder
Constant burning premonition
Like a fire
Consuming your days
Eat away my free will
Circumstance that asked you not
If you belonged
Fate is here
& there
In everything I do
I feel her smoke
If only I knew
How I'd meet her
When the fires of fate
Become ashes

I hear your screamsPierce the nightWith changing skins...Gasping for breathThe Children of the MoonI know them in dreamsThe silvery, tinkling laughterLight the nightHowls in silenceDeafen logicBlinded fearBeyond the lights of civilizationReality shinesStars stare At wolven creatures who roamSilent and swiftCunning and courageousFur coat hiding humanityFull moon dancesClaws, fangs, furThe true selfNo longer lost in silenceDo they see my moonlit tears?My whimpering songs?Oh, take me homeWhere man's lights do not shineFrom a living lieA shattered illusionI never believed inFrom the first dayI walked these streetsI knew it wasn't truthMy eyes beheldThe soul criesMy own wolfClaws under my skinMy soul is deafenedMy own bellowing prayersAt a sky that does not answerA moon that is not mine

I love their song Nightmare! Particularly the line "you should have known, the price of evil"
People are fighting over the song meaning. It makes me wonder... was this written by him, or in his memory? I just know it's in his memory!! It has to be!
The Rev would be so proud. Truly.

Love these lyrics

Nightmare (a7x)

Now your nightmare comes to life.Dragged you down belowDown to the devils showTo be his guest foreverPeace of mind is less than neverHate to twist your mindBut God ain't on your sideAn old acquaintance severedBurn the world your last endeavorAshes is burningYou can smell it in the airCause men like you have such an easy soul to steal (steal)So stand in line while banging numbers in your headYou're now a slave until the end of timeNothing stops the madness turning, haunting, yearning pull the triggerYou should have knownThe price of evilAnd it hurts to know that you belong hereYeahOoooooohIt's your fucking nightmareWhile your nightmare comes to lifeCan't wake up in sweatCause it ain't over yetStill dancing with your demonsVictim of your own creationBeyond the will to fightWhere all that's wrong is rightWhere hate don't need a reasonLove is self-assassinationYou've been lied toJust to rape you of your sightAnd now they have the nerve to tell you how to feel (feel)So sedated as they medicate your brainAnd while you slowly go insane they tell ya"Given with the best intentions, help you with your complications"You should have knownThe price of evilAnd it hurts to know that you belong hereYeahNo one to callEverybody to fearYour tragic fateIs looking so clearYeahOoooooohIt's your fucking nightmare(Break)(Maniacal laughter)Fight (Fight! ). not to fail (fail! )Not to fall (fall! )Or you'll end up like the othersDie (Die! ), die again (die! )Drenched in sin (sin! )With no respect for anotherDown(Down! ), feel the fire(fire! )Feel the hate(hate! )Your pain is what we desireLost (Lost! ), hit the wall (wall! )Watch you crawl (crawl! )Such a replaceable liarAnd I know you hear their voicesCalling from aboveAnd I know they may seem realThese signals of loveBut our life's made up of choicesSome without appealThey took for granted your soulAnd it's ours now to stealAs your nightmare comes to lifeYou should have knownThe price of evilAnd it hurts to know that you belong hereYeahNo one to callEverybody to fearYour tragic fateIs looking so clearYeahOoooooohIt's your fucking nightmare

I feel Metallica lyrics
Swell my heart with feeling
The fierce, raging story telling of Cradle of Filth
Imagery you cannot escape
The Misfits horror hotel
Take me away!
To Hollywood Babylon
L.A. streets so far away
From my Northern Star land
A7X, is truly
A little piece of heaven
Dying Fetus is...
Voices inhuman
All the anger
You could feel
Lamb of God is anything-
But holy.

.....
I could go on, but why? I can't think, I'VE GOT METAL ON THE BRAIN!

the starsCalled my nameCalling me home& I knew my true nameMy true selfThat was a harmonyOf these raging parts of myselfI call halvesThe starsWhen you really see them...Are all colours!Colours even that you have not seen beforeA rainbow without lightOr perhaps illuminated by some light withinWithin the face of those who you meetAll peopleAura of truthIn all colours

I've waited for you since the sun rose! From shadowDissolving my shadow selfFor a little whileI thought I could I feel againThan I felt burning morningKnew I lostThe blessings of the nightTo remain hiddenSilentTo hunt for your true selfAmongst trees and flowersMidnight clawingAnimals awakenAnimal that is me! They awaken at MidnightYour deepest fearsBecoming desires

What is eternal?
is love eternal
the sound of my voice
Bellow at gray skies
In a forest
Which I do belong in
Outcasts
Loving themselves
A possible
Impossibility
Yet possibly not
I do not love
Myself
the undeserving one
Crying to herself
Silver tears that should be water
Are tears eternal?

Leave us aloneTo burnTo cutTo scarTo feel the reflectionof hellOn our bodiesdon't open my doorAsk me what's wrongI like the ruby red sheetsThat made me you rush meTo the mental wardWhich gave me nothingNot even pillsJust words Laughs StaresMisunderstandingThe only gem I knowRuby redI'm blind to myselfKnowing only sufferingConceived in pleasure That was not my ownThe womb that bore meGave me nothing moreThan this you see nowA washed up disaster Of a budding womanThat lives in the soul Of a broken child

School-girl
games
In the dark halls
they told me I'd learn
A thing
or two
verbal abuse
Low self esteem
is all I've learned for these halls
of hell
welcome to self-hatred
In books
That teach me nothing
but how to avoid stares

& in those dreamsI saw both your eyesSapphires of the seaSilver and poisonOnly wolves would fearRightly soTheir brothers taught them wellSisters warned them to stay awayFrom man who are menWomen that are women& their's also

I once knew nothing
But sweet dreams
Of my other self
My happy, free, healthy self
Children dance in pretty flowered dresses
Carrying roses
So sweet...
With thorns that cut tender, soft hands
They dance on a battlefield
Where their fathers fought
For reasons unremembered
Lives as slaves
In a free land
That is anything but
The north-star to nowhere

Lay here before youThe blood of my heart begins to flowMy failuresAgonyexistenceMomentary joythe illusion of happinesscomes crawling like a wild-thing unleashedLike an unstoppable floodthat cannot be welled shutThe cold winds of OctoberI love themCrave themFeel them through every part of meLove the promise of winterlost in whiteIce to lock your heartno hope of sunShining like a jokeBut it's all on youOn your faceBut not threw the skinI am a shining starIn a cold October breeze

She was meIs me perhapsAlways has beenImaginative and brightLike a star...Or moonlight shining on night-flowersLight of the nightI remember it as yesterdayClear and sweetA meadow of flowersOn a sun-sweet dayI could be anythingA Goddess, a faery-queen, princessA beautyIn my own mindIt pulsed blue like electrified waterOcean withinCold lapping ebb and flowBreaking meReminding me of bitternessTodayA slap in the faceI'd like to forget

I planted the seed withinFelt her growPink petaled infantSoon to growThe joy of all daysthe heart of myself-healedMother and daughterBonding togetherI wait for herThe wondrous seedA gift from the GoddessThough I am just a child myselfI wait for a bundle of joy in my armsAs sweet as Egyptian lotus bloomsBlossom within meMy child

I lost youLost it allFound in your kissCrimson burningThe blood of lifeDragging me through the dayDancing through the nightWind-whisper streets of wonderWhen few men walkThe wise sleepThe sleepless wonderThink...Fear the nightThe crazy walk the yard of gravesWhere dead lovers Spirit danceMomentarily caught in happinessFar past

Yin and YangLight and darkDay and nightBlack, white and greySongs of creationColour and musicThat carried you to& throughDeathSleepWaitingWanting DesiringPrayingFalling behindWe forgot themOur Divine parentsThat sing of natureProphecyBirthDanceSongJoyDepressionLifeUntil I lost itWithin myselfCarry me homeTo a land of fireBroken withinWolves that wander in spiritNot body

I tried to kill youYour blood stains my bandsMy bone-white handsof a virginWith a bloody cherryThat stains the communion dressYou thought was holyBleeding is fineIt saved meFrom oblivionBrought me backFrom a wastelandLittered with his victimsI wandered for yearsUnafraidSearching for the oneTo make me pureOnce againI tried to take the stains awayPink fleshPink dress A lie you have to laugh at

Lies are comfortingLies are grandeurLies are the promises of parents to their childrenThe whisper of a first loveI love youTeachers that curse youThe wolf withinDespises the cageIron and goldSoft and solidOnly I can break the holdOf ghostly handsA looking glassThat holds not a fantastical worldBut the reality we know.......Lies

A freak balancing act
Freak-show
Freak of nature
Reject of humanity
Always alone
Even in a sea of people
Sea of meaninglessness
The waves that do not lift me away
The sky that stares back in foreboding
The vampyre that ceases to drink
The starved wolf
The God without sacrifice
That can truly not be
A state of evanescence I crave
Floating
Evaporating
Becoming air

Blood of manHeart of wolfConflicting desiresTorn in twoMadnessInsanityWolven dreamsA daydream of a girlWho is all humanNot she's not!Howling in nightShadowed by the silence I fearI loatheI need itI am not wholeA hybrid of body and mindA earthly hellWhere the fire that burnsComes from within& the punishmentOnly from myselfThat does not knowThe peace of being twoTwo beings in oneIs a blessing and curseWhen I awakeI curse those brown eyesThat glow silver in the nightTwo oppositesThat could not possibly be

A scar on my insidesA flash of a historyThat is impossibly mineYet isA dark flashIn my golden brown eyesTaking the light awayI miss the smile on her faceWhen she believed in magic and miraclesI call her nameLike summoning the deceased The dead things within me

If I could bring her back
From maggot eaten heart
Pool of blood on the floor
Hole in the ground
Echo in my conscious
I'd rather forget
Stone with a name
Forgotten names
On rocks...
In a yard of sorrow
In my mourning heart
Under the willow
Do the spirits hear my cries
The sing to me a song so sweet
I almost believe in peace
More than a final resting place
When she died
She became part of me
Who I once was
I lied to her
I hated her
I killed her
& now I want her back
From blackened eternity
Unanswered prayers
My own inhuman desires....

I know a wolf
She runs through the night
Heedless, thoughtless
Cunning, silent
The huntress
Hunter and hunted
The broken-heart
Tears falling under a full moon
Bathe her in silver light
Take away her pain
Of days past
When light burned her
Faith made her lose hope
Society made her rebel
Church made her drown in a sea of sins
That consumed her in guilt
Poisoned her with with self-loathing
Until she forgot herself
Dreams to black
Heart to shards
Dust to dust
Ash to ash
A woman and something more
Roams the night
Searching for those things she lost
Numbing herself
Losing herself
To the animal within
That wants to forget
The girl that cries
For dreams long forgotten
Humanity forsaken
& golden, pulsing love

I lost her I don't whenPain took her away from meThe echo of laughter in my soulLostI killed herI saw her blood on the floorMy bloodI lost her to the demon hateOr more likely... to my own selfCutting was my drugMy releaseMy freedomThe black pulseBeating my scorched heartThe memories I'd like to forget

I hear her calling my nameSweet sound of yesterdayI hear my screamingFeel her painThat is mine -yet notHow could I have hated her so?Take me back to childhoodGive me a second chancehating yourselfWastes you awayDestroys your childhoodYour love and happinessMaybe...It even rots your soulBecause I feel wasted daysLike a diseaseSelf-hatred like a time-bombTicking away, until I crack& I rot away