12/13/2013

out of the mouths of babes..and salvation army ladies..

well, it's been a while. either lack of time, lack of heart, or lack of inspiration..i have been gone from the blog for a good long while. A not so pleasant encounter brings me to my keyboard today. river and i were out by ourselves, picking up our medicine. as i was waiting in line, a crumply, old, toothless woman cut in front of me. i was a tiny bit miffed, but whatever. i wasn't going to say anything, she was old. but the gentleman who was standing in front of me, thought he was helping by telling her that she was cutting and needed to get behind me. well...rather than blow up on him, she turns to me. she made a grand gesture with her arm and bowed low and loudly said "BY ALL MEANS, PLEASE GO IN FRONT OF ME! A YOUNG WHITE WOMAN SURELY GOES BEFORE THIS OLD BLACK HAG!" i was mortified.my heart gasped. me? me, who has tied an old ladies shoes for her in the grocery store..because she couldn't reach them..me?....me? i'm a helper. i'm an encourager..i hadn't even said anything to her and her venom was on ME? i was dying inside.when i wouldn't move in front of her, she came behind me to stand, talking loudly to no one and everyone about the state of the world and how SOME people are so entitled. i wanted to sink into the floor or leave,but i didn't. i wait it out and she continued on until it was my turn. as i stand at the counter she moves up to the counter to stand next to me and River leans in and whispers to me "mom! moooooooom! you need to tell her merry christmas.." {what?! oh sweet boy,please don't ask this of me. don't ask me to prove myself. don't ask me to risk her venom, i am fragile these days, i'm not sure if i can take more from her place of hurt. please.} then he leans in again, "mom, why have you not said merry christmas? dooooo it!" so here is my moment, to show my child what it is to be kind even when it is not returned. i take a deep breath and step next to her, gently put my hand on her shoulder and say "I'm sorry about what happened before, my son wanted me to tell you merry christmas.."

{this is probably the point where you thought the story was going to get warm and fuzzy, but it doesn't.}her response was quick and to the point, "fuck christmas! in all my days i have never had a merry christmas. i don't believe in christmas!" i step back to my spot and the pharmacy workers are looking at me like JUST STOP ALREADY. but i was knee deep in this hideous moment so i let it play out.."okay then. i'm sorry. i hope you have a good day." she turned to me and spit out "if i have a good day or not has nothing to do with YOU! "and she started to laugh. like really laugh. at me. to make matters worse they couldn't find my prescription, so the lady finally tells me to just come back later. yeah, no kidding. all the while, river sat in the cart. confused and disturbed. holding my hand. telling me, as we walked away.. "it's okay little mama."

i step outside onto the side walk.and i am visibly shaken. river has a quarter in his hand waiting to toss it into the salvation army bucket..the lady sees my face and asks what's wrong. i burst into tears and barely recap the scene when the lady stomps past and gets on the bus. the salvation army lady said "is that her?" i shook my head yes, and she said "oh honey..she is here every day. she is old, and touched and miserable.we just need to pray for her.you'll be okay, just pray for her." she hugged me and sent me on my way and we went on to do other things in the day.

only later as i reflect on the embarrassing, hurtful encounter...did the key players really stand out to me. it was'nt ME or the LADY that stood out to me...but MY SON and the SALVATION ARMY LADY and their responses. both of them called on me to respond in love. even when it hurt. even when it was embarrassing. even when it made me mad. both of them asked of me that i put action to the words that i so readily share. for a second i think "why does this stuff happen to me? I'm a nice person, why would she pick at me?" i think these moments happen to me..or to you..so that i don't get stuck in my "niceness",stuck in my responses..its easy to love the sweet little woman who asked me to tie her shoe, or the kid in my class who's only respite a week is his 40 minutes in my class on sundays..or the person who is easy or grateful or polite. it's the one's who are gruff and tired of living. the ones who are hurt and angry. the ones who are alone and afraid and take it out on everyone else..THOSE are the ones who make any response i have legit.they are the ones with which my feet are held to the fire and i have a single moment to respond in love or in hate. oh, how she tested me yesterday. BUT lucky for me, i had not one,but two, lovely souls reminding me what it is to love.

thankful. thankful.thankful. for, love and forgiveness don't carry the same weight if they are always smooth sailing and easy...not just with her, but in my life. how much deeper, how much more legit, how real does it get when those around us are not easy to love and we risk loving anyway. i hope that i grow in graciousness and love as i move forward from this encounter. i am grateful for the two who led the way for me. literally, out of the mouths of babes and salvation army ladies..