People who steal another's work are lowlives with nothing else better to do with their lives. If it ever happened to me, I'd sue the ner'do wells. I hope you find the craphead and kick their captain's quarters for me. I am going to read your story now. I hope you don't have to remove it. This site is for people to get feedback, not for thieves.

Well, best of luck and by for now.

Comma Drama chapter 1 . 7/21/2011

I love the story concept but HOLY COMMAS! You use way to many commas. commas create a pause, and when you continually pause a sentence it becomes choppy and hard to understand what you're reading. Also, overuse causes sentences that become too long and would sound and flow much better if split up.

You're combining so much stuff by using commas it becomes choppy and un-flowy haha. Try something like this:

"Suddenly, a light streak blinded me and my senses went into overdrive. I could hear my frantic breathing and the hard thumps of my heart in my chest."

That isn't the best example, but flows much better..

Another example:

"Once I focused again on the road there was a truck coming my way. With a scream I manoeuvred to a side, but the road, made of black sand, was slippery, almost like the soil was mixed with soap, thus the brakes didn't work."

This one is just plain awful(do not mean offense) you use so many descriptives it's read pause read pause read pause. Try something like this:

"Once I focused on the road again there was a truck coming my way. With a scream I maneuvered to the side but the road, made of black sand, was slippery causing the breaks not to work."

Your soil and soap was a great description but remember, you can add only so many descriptives in a sentence before it becomes over done. if you want the soap and soil instead, take out the other descriptices and add it in.

Granted, this is only the first chapter of a completed story and I don't know what your writing has become in later chapters but the commas is an issue that jumped at me right away and turned me away from the story. A few other grammatical mistakes, but nothing I couldn't deal with. :)

P.S.

"But I couldn't see well; it took all my efforts to maintain my eyes opened." - Awesome semicolon usage here(but maybe use 'keep' instead of 'maintain'...sounds much better. a bit plainer, but better.

if you wanna reply, email me at: (I'm wayy to lazy to sign in cuz i dont remember my log in info but don't want to leave you with no way to reply!

Guest chapter 62 . 7/18/2011

I loved this story, it was amazingly written, only took me 24 hours to read it. Seriously, if it was a book, it'd be one of those favorites of mine I read over and over until I have a whole chapter accidently memorized (I have shitty memory, but can remember whole lines, quotes, and miniscule details from anything I read, f-ed up or what? It's kinda like the Eragon series, when the last one comes out I'll cry at the end. XD Probably like I will on this one. I hope this gets published :] I'll definately be one of the first in line to purchase it! Much love!

Sarah

Guest chapter 19 . 7/18/2011

Ah, I love this story so far :D (ch.19) I LOVE Narya. I love girls who kick ass, I hate the "damsel in distress" act. :D And the Euro who's name I can't remember, I 3! His personality is cute, I'd "hug him and squeeze him, and call him George" -favorite line from the loony tunes- He'd be like the little brother I'd want

Guest chapter 62 . 7/4/2011

I can't believe the story is done. Ive been reading it for so long. Even though it did keep dragging on a bit too much in my opinion, I liked it. Maybe you could cut out some chapters and make some things less confusing. For example, when it kept switching from a person's view, you could add a border line. I understand that it's nice to keep the anonymity in the beginning of chapters, but in the middle, it's confusing. Especially if it's late at night and are dozing off. This story was lovely though, I'm liking this series with Hellbound. Can't wait to read the next story