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The Bachelorette recap: Fighting over a female in France

Andi and her suitors get some coaching in the art of French stereotypes. (Patrick Aventurier / ABC)

By Bill BriouxSpecial to the Star

Tues., June 17, 2014

I made a tragic mistake before sitting down to recap Monday’s episode of The Bachelorette. I watched Louie first.

The finale of this season of Louie put an exclamation point on a searing and honest storyline about relationships. Basically comic Louie CK exposed how men and women bounce between moments of sheer lust, tenderness and then boredom, hostility and rage. What happens right now, in the moment, is all that counts. There is no past and certainly no happily ever after.

This is exactly the opposite point of view of The Bachelorette. There is no now, just some vague hoax billed as happily ever after. The Bachelorette suggests that one woman can pick one man from two dozen guys and, over a period of two months, fall forever in love. It is such a fib — and this is Season 10!

On this week’s Bachelorette, she and her suitors got to spend a romantic weekend in France. Host Chris Harrison pried a little and discovered that Andi is falling in love already, and with a couple of the lucky contestants. Quelle surprise!

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Josh was the first dude to get a card from Andi. Unfortunately it was written in French and Josh can barely speak English. Andi admits later to host Harrison that she can barely speak French either. Andi needs to meet some French Canadian bachelors.

Basically the note was inviting Josh out for a one-on-one. What do they do together? They go shopping. This is not a date; this is as thrilling as a trip to Bramalea City Centre. Things get better when they go on a boat and a picnic. Andi frets that Josh just wants to give her the ol’ Juan Pablo slam bam. Still, he gets a rose plus a private concert with Ben Fields.

Next, the remaining contestants were lumped into a group date. Basically they had to dress up like mimes. This was humiliating, especially to the people of France.

The boys started fighting among themselves. Nick was being jerky, and Andrew might be a racist. JJ got a rose, which really did not sit well with Nick.

Then Brian and Andi held hands and went to see a movie about food. It was a movie that is just about to be released in theatres starring Helen Mirren. The theatre looked more like the screen was edited in later into somebody’s living room. The clips were quite long and I’m guessing some money changed hands between the movie company and ABC.

Then Andi and Brian tried to dice up some frog legs. Brian, a 27-year-old basketball coach, turns out to be a bust in the kitchen. “It’s a bummer,” says Andi.

So they go to a restaurant instead and start necking. “I still believe in us,” says Andi, who gives Brian a rose as “a symbol of progression.” They walk into the kitchen and smooch some more. “That’s the guy I see a future with,” says Andi, who could possibly be the worst judge of character for an assistant district attorney since the O.J. Simpson trial.

Still covered in Brian’s cooties, Andi tells host Harrison to ditch the planned cocktail party and hustle up the hombres. She’s ready to ditch three of these losers now.

They go right to the rose ceremony. The guys are all edited to look nervous. Then there’s a Dyson vacuum ad, which seems about right.

Commercial break over, the rose ceremony begins. You could tell it’s important because the music keeps swelling as the camera pans and zooms past the dudes.

Eight of these idiots remain. They all get to go to Venice next week where they will hear those three little words: lie detector test. Also, Andi is reduced to a blubbering mess. Maybe she saw the Louie finale, too.

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