Lately, I have been somewhat obsessed with the energy of “No”. Much of this fascination of course stems from my own continued challenge with it – with old patterns of being a “good girl”, of wanting to keep options open, to be flexible and accepting (and accepted), and probably most deeply: still just wanting people to like me.

Yet as I dig into this topic I find it’s a deep and rich gateway to many pathways of personal and collective reflection and shadow-work. This post offers a bit of a trail-map to the landscape of No as I have experienced it.

THE WARNING SIGN: What you want to watch out for in this landscape is not rattlesnakes or bears, but it’s more like the undertow warnings at the beach. The warning here is simply to recognize the undercurrent in some ‘spiritual growth’ cultures that implicitly dishonors and even shames the NO. This stems from what I’m calling The Hidden Postulate of the Seeker: If experience --> growthand saying Yes --> more experience than Nothen saying Yes --> more growthSo the warning: Gather your own evidence! Listen to your gut at every choice point, and be wary of this subtle peer-pressure influence of spiritual seekers’ FOMA (fear of missing out).

For me, after many years of suffering through this inner battle of my intuition’s No against my growth-junkie Yes, at this point I can honestly say that more often than not, it is saying No which takes more courage and faith, and which actually has opened the most doors for growth. This is because “growth” is just another word discovering yourself more deeply. And I know of no better tool than the No to help that process along.

Saying No can be terrifying – not only for fear of hurting others or being left out or judged, but because it is a statement about who you know yourself to be. Saying No is like being a stone sculptor of your own authentic self – as with Michaelangelo, who carved the David by cutting away all the stone that was not David. A clear No requires a clear sense of who you are and what you want that we often aren’t even that attuned to.

And speaking this authentic No requires a rare level of self-trust and self-knowledge, and a courageous level of self-acceptance – that is, acknowledging and accepting how you actually feel, not how you wish you felt or how you think you should feel. So often we want to be “better” than we are, according to some socially constructed idea of what it is to be good, and we act as if – we’re even taught to do that in many spiritual communities. But for me, authenticity is my preferred path to God. Every time I settle into being real with who and how I actually am, that sacred stream of joy finds me. And every time I try to be anything else, I suffer.

It's no wonder then that saying No has brought me my most empowering moments in this life. One personal example for me is saying no to an engagement that – for no rational reason – just didn’t feel right. When I finally became clear that it did not feel right to marry this perfectly wonderful man, I can honestly say I felt elated. Not because I was escaping some horrible relationship, which it wasn’t, but because I felt the empowerment of finally listening to and acting on my intuition. If there is ever a promise I feel comfortable giving, it is that a clear No is always in some way a clear loving Yes to yourself. Similarly, this knowledge can make receiving a No much easier –if we trust that saying no is really saying yes to something else, then we can receive a No not as rejection but as an opportunity to honor someone for saying yes to themselves.

Finally, given all the complex topography in this landscape, I see saying No as both an art and a practice. It is a discipline of self-inquiry and an art of careful listening internally. It's discerning when a No is based in fear from when it is based in self-honoring. It is an art of self-expression, it is a practice of choice, and also can be an art of tactful expression to care for the hearts of those receiving our No. It is an art of honesty, a practice of courage, and a commitment to self-honoring. Honoring the No is not about saying No all the time – not at all – it is about listening to our body’s authentic responses and finding the courage to speak them, whether Yes, No, or Maybe. Ultimately it is just about saying Yes to the power of No.

So by way of summary and orientation, here are some key trail markers in this powerful landscape: 1. Saying No gives voice to your personal boundaries2. Saying No requires deep self trust and acceptance3. Every No is a Yes to something else!4. Honoring the No can help heal wounds around rejection 5. No is both an art and a practice

Personally, as I said at the beginning of this post, my passion stems from my own continued challenge in practicing this art. Slowly and fumblingly I have been finding the courage to honor my own truth more fully – “No”s and imperfect thorns and all. And even more fumblingly and fearfully I am learning to trust others to be able to do the same. And in these radical acts of honesty, I happen to believe we open up a lot more space for real connection and empowerment in this world. And if you've read all this and find you don't agree, well then more power to you! May you listen to, learn from, and honor that No.

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