Thursday, December 29, 2011

I hate sleeping. And, I mean, I might as well not sleep while I can. I was awake ona regular basis last night and slept well for only the last two hours or so, so whybother going to bed now? I'm just not in the mood. I might as well not sleep whileI don't have to get up early. Once I'm back at my internship, it'll be 9pm bedtimefor me. Yawn.

In other news, I've finished my PDP paper. I'm not really a fan. Eh. It's okay, I guess.But you all know that I have mixed feelings about PDP as a program in regards to howit is applied and executed. I'm all for reflexivity, but it is exponentially moredifficult and less fulfilling when it has to be confined. Really, when you thinkabout it, that's just silly. Confined reflection? Nonsense.

Nonsense is becoming an overused word in my vocabulary. Also, additionally. Andconsequentially and subsequently. I need more words.

I also think I'm beginning to be able to articulate what I want, but I don't knowwho I should tell, if anyone, yet. I'll write that out and save it somewhere secret.

This is old news, but apparently I deleted a collection of saved conversations andthey are forever gone. I regret that.

What I really want to write about is fixation. Also, how I want more people to readmy blog. Also, how much I hate facebook. I don't even have enough respect for thecompany to capitalize it anymore.

Fixation.

Also, how a day without cell phone service is torture.

Fixation. Fixation. Fixation.

No, what I mean is fixedness.

Fixedness. Fixedness. Fixedness.

In Psychology, there is a term called functional fixedness. This refers to theinability to think outside the box and invent non-typical uses for a typical object.Generally, children are better at such creative use of objects because functionalfixedness has not been concretely adopted. For example, a child is more likely touse a toy truck as a hammer when he or she has no hammer, but an adult will searchand search for a hammer when he or she could use a screwdriver or a plank of wood.

I propose that there are a number of different types of fixedness and that they areprobably becoming increasingly concrete.

Image fixedness. Have you seen the new white Coca-Cola cans? They're promoting thesalvation of the polar bear or something, but I've heard numerous people complainabout how the white can creates the expectation of diet soda. I'll admit, I thoughtthe same thing when I first saw one sitting on our kitchen counter: "Who boughtdiet soda?"

I'm not entirely satisfied with the term image fixedness, because it leans moretoward brand fixedness and relates to those short online quizzes where the aim isto correctly identify common logos. Our local paper does something similar everyonce in a while.

That's why this would potentially work so well:

Source: http://www.xkcd.com/993

Expectation fixedness is another type that I thought about the other day, but I don'tremember how to explain it. I think it had something to do with being so fixated ona particular expectation that any deviation from that is nearly life-shattering.Here's a fun example. All those kids that are heart-set on abstinence until marriage?That's their expectation fixation. And maybe they mess up, maybe only a little. Iftheir expectation fixedness was so severe, it's likely that their whole self-conceptwill be damaged so greatly that it will require a great deal of long-term healing.I wish I could remember my original example. It was better.

The types are probably endless. Time fixedness, plan fixedness, people fixedness...The bottom line is that people are far too inflexible. Absolutely, concreteness isimportant and necessary, but absolute concreteness is absolutely not. Balance andmoderation, my friends.

Is it just me or do I say the same thing(s) in every single post I write?

Lesson fixedness.

Hah.

In regards to comparisons, this will be a short lesson. Maybe.

I've heard it said that, if you're feeling down about your life circumstances, thatyou should take a few hours and volunteer in a soup kitchen or a homeless shelterbecause it will make you feel better about where you are in life. Eh, okay.

I've also been told, when I'm venting about something specific, that "at least youhave [topic I was venting about]." For example, say I have a drippy shower thatalways makes noise and wastes water. A typical disadvantage comparison might be tosay, "At least you have hot water and a shower to complain about." Eh, okay.

Neither of these work for me. And I don't think they should.

For the first, if your main motivation for volunteering on behalf of those that aremore disadvantaged than you is to make yourself feel more humble about your ownadvantage, you're not doing it right. Okay, yeah, if that gets some people out thereto begin with, that's good. Okay. But I really do think a lot of the impact will bemissed if that is the main goal.

For the second, I just really don't like these types of comparisons. To me, it's likecomparing a potential romantic relationship to a previous romantic relationship. Itreally shouldn't and can't be done because people are so spectacularly different thatany comparison will have little to no worth. It might make you feel better, but itdoesn't really help. Similarly, I have been told such disadvantage comparisons in aneffort to make me feel more grateful for what I have. But, in all honesty, they don't.The most blunt way to say it is that my immediate reaction goes something like this:"Okay, but I don't care about that right now. I want to sift through my own problemsbecause they are present and real to me at this point and time. I don't need to bedistracted by the greater disadvantagement of others right now because I'm stressedabout this immediate situation."

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Okay, so first of all, I just spent a good ten minutes on thesaurus.reference.comand finally decided to use the word woe. I started with qualm, investigatedperturbation and scruple, explored ennui and lugubriosity, and decided on woe.And it's still not really what I mean. What I mean is closer to anxiety, but notthe kind that includes physiological arousal. Maybe despair would be better.

PDP Despair

As I sat in front of a blank word document, trying to begin outlining my seniorreflective essay, I felt conflicted about a variety of issues - primarily two - anddecided that I would rant a bit via my blog so that my reflective essay did notturn into a critical commentary on the nature of PDP.

So I'm going to try and get those thoughts out first, here, so that my reflectionsabout the effectiveness of PDP do not interfere with my reflections about MYpersonal college experiences.

First and foremost, I simply do not know what to write about. It's not that I lackmaterial from which to draw, but it's that I am undecided about what I want to talkabout. I don't know how much information I want to dispel. I don't know just howpersonal I want to get. I don't know how honest I am comfortable with being. Thesolution that I settled upon in regards to this is that I will pick a few topicsfor each section of my outline and simply write. Whatever happens, happens. Inshort, I figure that if I write about it, I'm comfortable enough with it. And if Idon't? Then I'm not. But even so, I know that I probably won't be entirely comfortablewhile I am writing it. And maybe I'll write about that.

Secondly, the four pillars of PDP are horrendous things. HORRENDOUS. HORRID. They are:Intellectual Growth and DiscoveryCitizenship and Community ResponsibilityEthical and Spiritual GrowthEmotional Maturation and Physical HealthAside from the fact that the fourth pillar is clearly two very different categoriesthat are disguised as one, the pillars simply aren't helpful. To my understanding,the whole point of PDP is to encourage people to become more reflective throughouttheir day-to-day experiences and over the course of their lifetime. Okay, that'sfine, I totally agree with that. Clearly, I love being reflective (and reflexive*,for my Sociologist friends!). But the pillars aren't helpful. For a lot of reasons.

The pillars are too restrictive. There are a lot of deeply influential experiencesthat I have had that don't quite fit into one of these specific pillars.

And this is more than a simple issue of having four categories that are mutuallyexclusive but are not exhaustive (hello, more Sociology terms!).

SIDE NOTE: Oh my goodness something crazy just happened that I have to talk aboutit now, in real time as I'm writing because it's crazy! So I requested a new laptopcharger cord because my cord is becoming frayed and doesn't always make a connection.I'm currently at work at the library and I guess there was static buildup in thecarpet or something because I heard a sound like a crinkly plastic after-dinnermint wrapper and looked down to realize that the somewhat frayed section had minorsparks! SPARKS, YOU GUYS. So, my laptop is now unplugged and I will definitely bekeeping it asleep and unplugged overnight and while it is unattended, so as not tostart any fires. Goodness! ANYWAY.

It doesn't just bother me that these four categories are not exhaustive. It primarilybothers me that I feel tied down to these pillars. Okay, so PDP is supposed to helpus be reflective. Awesome. The problem is that, even if someone is usually reflectivethroughout his or her day, those reflections are not going to be couched in termsof these four pillars. Instead, such ongoing and spontaneous (reflexive*, perhaps?)reflections are going to be couched in terms that are broader so that these newlessons can be broadly applied to life in general.

I would argue that people are naturally reflective beings. Placing them into boxes,pigeon-holes, and tracks or tying them to pillars goes against this natural flow.

P. George would probably agree with me. He's talked about increasing freedoms becausehe believes that truer learning is possible in an environment that has greater freedom.PDP will probably mostly die in the next year or two, but I wish it wouldn't. Itneeds restructured, which has happened poorly in the past two years. PDP simplyneeds more freedom. As P. George admitted, many students will absolutely squanderthis freedom. But what about the ones who won't?

What about the ones who won't?

Also, I think it would be REALLY most effective if students had to write a reflectiveessay at the end of each semester. That way, they could reflect about each courseinstead of having to choose at the end of their four years. It would also be a betterway to see semester-to-semester shifts and changes and to make connections acrosssemesters. Nobody's going to go for that idea, though.

*Reflexive doesn't mean what it sounds like it means. It has nothing to do withreflexes. Well, largely. Reflexivity is a term within qualitative research that meansthat a qualitative research must continuously be reflective in order to be aware ofhow his or her personal perspective and worldview (shaped by personal experiences)influence his or her perception of whatever is being qualitatively researched. Isuppose this can incorporate reflexes to the extent that reflexivity should becomeas natural as a reflex. But it does not mean reflexes to the extent that reflexivityis a thoughtless, knee-jerk reaction.

Also, how in the world is "won't" the contraction for "will not"?

And, I know that punctuation comes before quotation. If you want me to explain whyI broke this rule, I can. But not right now. It's time to carve my elephant.

Friday, December 9, 2011

It has recently come to my attention that quite a few people think that life wouldbe better, easier, and what have you without emotions. This topic is particularlyrelevant because the topic of my Biological Psychology course for the past week hasbeen that of emotions (mechanisms, processes, functions, etc).

In the past week, I've heard people say things like "Life would be easier with noemotions," "Things would be less complicated without emotions," and "If only I didnot have feelings."

I've also noticed that such comments nearly always come from men. Thanks, society,for socializing males to deny the existence and usefulness of emotions and femalesto view emotions as inevitable and reliable. Everybody's wrong.

On a side note, Psychology is to conditioning as Sociology is to socializing.

One of the questions on my Bio Psych take-home final includes a prompt to explainthe value of emotions in decision-making. I will probably post my essay responsehere once I complete my exam, but that is not due until Wednesday, so...

So, why are emotions important? Are we better off with or without them? On onehand, you have the view described by the quoted sentiments above that says thatemotions complicate everything, whether decision-making, relationships, problem-solving, or something else. On the other hand, you have the view that says thatemotions give meaning, value, and purpose to experiences, relationships, andsituations.

Emotions contribute to a sense of worth, which allows self-support. Without emotions,our accomplishments and relationships would mean little, if anything at all. Instead,emotions allow us to explain the motivation behind our actions.

Can we explain the motivation behind our actions without incorporating emotion?Probably, yes, but such motivation will be a robotic series of steps and will notinclude true inherent value.

Emotions give us the means to love and be loved. Without emotions, our relationshipsbecome overly-intellectualized and therefore robotic. Instead, emotions fostercommitment to family and non-family connections.

Can we do that without emotions? Maybe. Maybe we can rationalize why we should becommitted to our family without emotions, by giving reasons like financial supportand efficient living (i.e., it's cheaper to cook for four people than for one).But that seems to take the fun and adventure out of it. In regards to non-familyconnections, I would argue that emotionless relationships of any kind do not work.Even in a non-romantic relationship that is focused on remaining casual instead ofworking toward a forever future? I would argue yes. Relationships devoid of allemotion simply are not enjoyable after a relatively short period of time.

Emotions give us the means to have fun and describe fun. Fun, enjoyment, andadventure are all emotions. Without emotions, such experiences would lack valueand importance. Instead, emotions help us share in such enjoyable experiences.

Can we have fun without emotions? Probably not. Even if you enjoy something on apurely intellectual level, that enjoyment is an emotion.

However, emotions are not an all or nothing topic. Both intellect and emotions arefallible. It is absolutely crucial to realize that, while interpersonal relationshipsand emotions are certainly important, people are fallible. Because of this, we mustnever fully rely on others and the emotions they inspire in us to satisfy our worth.

And this ties back into all the times I've ever talked about inherent worth and value.People and relationships with them are absolutely important, as are emotions. Butthese are still external stimuli. A majority of the time, emotions are influencedmore by internal states, such as physical exhaustion or hormones. When this happens,people look for an external source on which to blame their negative emotions, eventhough they simply need a nap. Parallel to this is the importance of inherent worthand value. In my opinion, these are internal states and are therefore generallymore reliable and predictable than external situations. For instance, you know,acting in such a way that reflects one's core values? Yeah, that sounds right.

Emotions absolutely must be treated with balance and moderation. It is usuallyemotions that derail our success, but it is emotions that makes our success worthsomething. Whether positive or negative, there are inevitably times when emotionswill interfere. Such times call for a greater focus on intellect. However, eventhough there are times emotions should be de-emphasized, this does not mean thatemotions should be entirely eliminated.

Further, I argue that it is impossible for emotions to be entirely eliminated.However, people still try because they believe that a life devoid of emotions willbe easier, less complicated, and so on. But it can't happen. Emotions are largelyautonomic and are frequently unconscious to a certain extent.

But people still try. They try and they try to suppress their emotions and whathappens? Well, there are a few situations we can hypothesize about. Maybe therecomes a point when all of their repressed and denied emotions become too much tocontrol and they end up exploding, which may result in increased solitude orunprovoked aggression.

Or maybe there comes a point when they have gotten so good at suppressing theiremotions that they no longer know how to feel. Or maybe they never gave themselvesan opportunity to learn how to deal with stress.

In sum, if you ignore your emotions, you probably won't know how to effectivelyhandle them and use them for your benefit (contentedness, satisfaction, etc) becauseyou never will have allowed yourself to experience any emotions.

Emotions also cause a great deal of interpersonal problems if a person expectseveryone around him or her to be equal in regards to emotions, expression, feelings,and mood.

Additionally, physical arousal can increase behavioral response, which can increaseemotional expression, which can increase emotional feeling.

I hope I expressed my thoughts effectively.

We also talked about the importance of emotional intelligence, which is the abilityto be able to read people and intuit what they are feeling, even if they are notexplicitly expressing it. Emotional expression tends to become more subtle with age.I would argue that emotional intelligence also includes the ability to accuratelyestimate situations and the emotions involved in order to effectively handle otherpeople, relationships, decisions, problems, and so on.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

So, apparently I don't sleep anymore. I mean, I'll finally admit that occasionallynot needing sleep would be really convenient, so that I could just finish thatassignment or paint again or etc.

Last night was the latest I've stayed up this entire semester. 4am. After a phoneconversation with my best friend that lasted for five and a half hours. <3 And Ipassed out at 4am and had a nap today and I feel fine. Thanks, college, foreliminating my sleep schedule! And I had been doing so well with maintaining aregular sleep schedule. Oh well. This is more fun and I only have one more weekof needing to not be sick.

On Sunday night, after I had finished what work I had wanted to do, instead ofdoing more work or going to bed, I stayed up so that I could clean my room andpaint. I painted, you guys. It was so good.

Anyways, lots of little topics to write about, so let's get to it.

From last Tuesday until this past Monday afternoon, with the exception of makingtime to paint, I had been pretty grumpy. I told a classmate on Monday that I hadhad a crappy week and he responded by saying "It's only Monday!" and I correctedmyself by saying that I had had a crappy since-Tuesday.

I attributed this slump to a few things. Primarily, that my to-do list had managedto overtake my want-to-do list, although I somewhat combated this with makingtime to paint. Also, that the general morale of the campus seems to have decreased,probably due to the fact that all the procrastinating, the overworked, and themedian students are experiencing the last-minute crunch of all the work they haveto complete. So, my to-do list was making me grumpy and the lowered morale ofcampus served as an excuse for me to remain grumpy. Grumpiness loves company, for sure.

And then Monday afternoon happened. What happened Monday afternoon? Well, firstand foremost, I was able to talk it out and explain to myself that the loweredmorale of campus was reinforcing my grumpiness. And that I MUST make time to beable to incorporate my want-to-do list with my to-do list. Thus why I am awakeand writing right now instead of going to sleep. Sure, there's a balance, but forthe past few weeks, I had been getting my to-do lists done and getting enoughsleep, which resulted in a severe neglect of my want-to-do list.

Even though I was maintaining my health by getting enough sleep and was maintainingmy academic success by getting my work done, my emotional/mental/spiritual healthhad been severely neglected over the past few weeks. Self-care! No burnout!

Also on Monday afternoon, I explained to myself what beneficial lesson could belearned from the recent past. That is, what positive purpose does the recent pastserve? I learned that I truly am capable of making genuine and empathetic connectionswith others, but that these genuine and empathetic connections do not have to resultin my being exploited. And should not. But even so, that I can make connectionswithout being exploited and that I do not have to be exploited in order to makeconnections. Good thing my one reader that was bothered by my repetitiveness decidedto no longer be my friend. Hah.

Also on Monday afternoon, THIS LESSON WAS EXEMPLIFIED AND IT WAS RIDICULOUS.Long story short, my piano lesson was amazing and my piano teacher is an incredibleindividual. He asked me for counseling-related advice in regards to stress relieftechniques and responded by saying that he always feels better after our chats.

I think I made his day.

And then! Monday evening, THIS LESS WAS EXEMPLIFIED AGAIN. While I was working atthe library, after I was minimally productive, I decided to do some more self-carethrough origami. First of all, lots of students apologized for interrupting myorigami-related concentration, which made me laugh. Second of all, my coworkercommented that he had an origami collection from a previous student, which he thenretrieved from his desk to show me. After we talked about origami, I offered himthe dish I had just completed making to him to add to his collection.

I think I made his day, too.

And both of them certainly made my day.

During Monday afternoon and evening, as I walked across campus, I inhaled deeplywith the realization that I was having a really good day. Simultaneously, thisthought went through my head: "I am having a really good day and I don't want totalk about it." Well, that seems odd. I thought so, too, at first. Until justrecently when I was writing about the dampened morale and remembered that thisthought had crossed my mind. How does it make sense? It makes sense in that I didnot want to talk about it because my having a really good day was something that wasextremely precious because it had not happened in such a long time. And I did notwant to talk about it because those who would hear would have been the same peoplewho had previously shared in my grumpiness. But I am talking about it now becauseI had another really good day today and am feeling more confident in my ability tonot let these really good days slip away, regardless of how low the morale ofcampus may be. Similarly, I also feel more confident in my autonomy in regards tothe fact that I feel like I know how to maintain these really good days.

We'll see how this plays out, because tomorrow is going to be busy and very wellmay be ridiculous.

In contrast, also today, my confidence as a tutor was somewhat shaken because I wasrepeatedly reminded of the fact that I had not tutored recently. Why did no onewant to ask me? Did I scare them away somehow? Did I fail one time and everyoneknew? I don't know. But it didn't really matter because tutoring is simply incomethat is doubly supplementary and I have since scheduled a tutoring meeting with astudent.

Autonomy feels really, really good. I took another recent matter into my own handsand went straight to the top. And, although the issue could not be remedied, someappropriate consequences have been served and the afflicted group has gained moreauthority, autonomy, status, and what have you.

Lastly, I wanted to add this to my honors project paper somehow, but it did notreally fit in. I read sections of the book, Interaction Ritual Chains, by Collinsand in it he explains how a conversation between two people reflects greatersolidarity (vis-a-vis Durkheim) when their breathing becomes synchronized andtheir rhythm becomes extremely matched because each person is able to anticipatewhat the other is saying, will say, and how. I read this section for my honorsproject about the group dynamics of Jazz Band and I wish it would have fit insomewhere because it relates so well to that most precise moment of synchronizedbreathing that occurs before each piece. Right before the downbeat of measure one,there is a cohesive intake breath and you can FEEL it and it is my favorite.

I think this was the fastest blog post I have ever written. I still want to paint,but I will actually go to sleep, but only because tomorrow is so busy. I should havetime to paint between my crammed schedule, maybe, depending on how I eat lunch.