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Author
Topic: Dating a poz guy...help? (Read 9493 times)

I recently started dating a poz guy. He is a great guy. He's definitely someone I wanna keep seeing.

Of course I have a lot of questions and I am trying to find as much info as I can. I want to support him and just be there for him.

We spent the whole day together yesterday. Usually, at around 9 pm i hear the alarm on his phone that tells him he needs to take his meds. He's pretty good about that. He tested poz about a year and a half ago and started treatment right away and his viral load has been undetectable ever since then. He doesn't take many pills, just one. And according to him he's never missed it. Not once. So at around two am after getting out of the club i remembered I did not recall his alarm going off. So I asked if he had taken it. He said he had. But his mood changed.

He had been cheerful throughout the day and now he was just soo depressed. I asked because I care. He took it as me being afraid of his viral load going high again and getting infected.

In reality I did it because we barely have talked about it since he told me. I want to talk about it. He's never gone to psychological therapy since he was diagnosed. His boyfriend of 5 years cheated on him, this is how he got infected.

I want to push for him to go to therapy... but it's such a sensitive topic. i don't know how to approach it and how to make him feel comfortable around me. I know that being HIV + is not ideal, but I also want to show him that I don't care about his status. I care about his health...

After we came back home we talked about it and he's so scared of getting me infected. He says he'd die if he infected me. I don't know how to ease him and just make him comfortable around me.

I'm not gonna lie... I'm scared of getting infected too. We have had sex about four times now. It's just been oral sex. I have both given and received. It's been unprotected. And I know about the endless debate on this subject.

Each time, after sex... i feel so scared. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm infected and I pretend like I'm fine so as to not make him feel bad.

So, my questions are:

1) What can I do, to make him open up to me? Meaning, what't the most sensitive way to approach the topic and make him tell me everything he's scared of and how I can help.

2) Is there any other long terms couples on this forum that have unprotected oral sex and feel completely comfortable doing it? Perhaps I should mention we are a gay couple and I really like giving him oral sex. But I'm scared.

I recently started dating a poz guy. He is a great guy. He's definitely someone I wanna keep seeing.

Of course I have a lot of questions and I am trying to find as much info as I can. I want to support him and just be there for him.

We spent the whole day together yesterday. Usually, at around 9 pm i hear the alarm on his phone that tells him he needs to take his meds. He's pretty good about that. He tested poz about a year and a half ago and started treatment right away and his viral load has been undetectable ever since then. He doesn't take many pills, just one. And according to him he's never missed it. Not once. So at around two am after getting out of the club i remembered I did not recall his alarm going off. So I asked if he had taken it. He said he had. But his mood changed.

He had been cheerful throughout the day and now he was just soo depressed. I asked because I care. He took it as me being afraid of his viral load going high again and getting infected.

In reality I did it because we barely have talked about it since he told me. I want to talk about it. He's never gone to psychological therapy since he was diagnosed. His boyfriend of 5 years cheated on him, this is how he got infected.

I want to push for him to go to therapy... but it's such a sensitive topic. i don't know how to approach it and how to make him feel comfortable around me. I know that being HIV + is not ideal, but I also want to show him that I don't care about his status. I care about his health...

After we came back home we talked about it and he's so scared of getting me infected. He says he'd die if he infected me. I don't know how to ease him and just make him comfortable around me.

I'm not gonna lie... I'm scared of getting infected too. We have had sex about four times now. It's just been oral sex. I have both given and received. It's been unprotected. And I know about the endless debate on this subject.

Each time, after sex... i feel so scared. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm infected and I pretend like I'm fine so as to not make him feel bad.

So, my questions are:

1) What can I do, to make him open up to me? Meaning, what't the most sensitive way to approach the topic and make him tell me everything he's scared of and how I can help.

2) Is there any other long terms couples on this forum that have unprotected oral sex and feel completely comfortable doing it? Perhaps I should mention we are a gay couple and I really like giving him oral sex. But I'm scared.

Can anyone help?

Hey Blued, welcome to the forum. I'm fairly new here but I'll give my two cents on your problem. Others here, more experienced, can maybe add more information.

First of all I think it's great how supportive you are being, it's pretty clear that you care for this guy. You actually give some hope to people who still believe they will always be rejected once they disclose their status to someone they care about.

As for your questions:

1) I don't think there's a formula for that. Each person reacts to health related problems in a different way. Maybe he's the type of person who takes a long time to open up to someone, especially when it comes to touchy subjects like this. If you really worried about him and about how he's coping with all this then maybe you should just try to have a serious, non-condescending conversation about it with him. And if he gets angry then so be it...you can't predict how another person will react. I'm a firm believer that, when it comes to relationships, it's better to be honest and let it all out instead of bottling things up.

2) If you follow statistics and testimonials from people here, it's been made quite clear that it's almost impossible (if not entirely impossible) to be infected by oral sex, especially if the HIV+ has been UND for a while. HOWEVER, I am aware that statistics do not prevent irrational fears from creeping up, which I believe is what is happening to you. It's like flying...you know the odds of your plane crashing are pretty small, and yet, you still cannot help but be afraid whenever you're up there.

If the problem is oral sex, why not just take it slow a bit while you are still adjusting to this situation? It's quite obvious there is some trust issues between you two...he's still unable to be completely open to you about his fears and concerns and so are you.

Maybe refrain from full on oral sex on him for a while and focus on other sexual activities? There are so many things to be done when it comes to sex...I can't speak for your guy but I would feel like shit knowing my HIV- boyfriend is feeling afraid whenever he performs oral sex on me. I'd rather him not do it at all then, I want the one I love to be comfortable around me.

We've had a closer connection these past days. I was with him and I actually brought the topic up. I was pretty direct and told him that he had to accept that as unfortunate as it might be, HIV is now part of his life and he just has to learn to manage it. I also told him that i want to be involved in that part of his life. I cannot imagine getting into a relationship with him and not being fully knowledgeable about this topic.

His asnwer was that he appreciated it and that with time, he'd get to the point where he could just relax and talk about it without any problems. I just hope that i don't annoy him with my multiple inquiries... I tend to be a bit overprotective sometimes. I understand that my job now is finding the line where my concern for our health end and his right for privacy begins.

After this conversation we had sex. By sex i mean, oral sex, I asked to try using a condom and he agreed, but to be honest he hated it. I could tell. He said he was losing his erection because it wasn't as good becasue of the condom. And truth be told i also hated it. It felt so weird sucking on a condom. So I removed the condom and I gave him oral sex anyway. But again, after e fact I felt guilty and as if i had put myself in risk for getting hiv. I mean, i do get the statistics and they do seem like getting hiv from oral sex was pratically safe. But i still cant shake it off my head. Im constantly checking for symptoms, rashes, enlarged lymph nodes, if i sneeze i wonder if it's a dust sneeze or it it's tat im getting a cold etc. it's too stressful living like this and i weant to go get tested but im petrified. Somehow i feel like theyre going to say "you're positive". My best friend is so upset with me because im dating him. Last time we talked she said: i dont agree with this relationship, just make sure to not come back when youre positive too because i warned you.

When i told my mom that i am gay, her first concern was HIV. I never thought that HIV would end up being so close to me! I really really want to be in a relationship with this guy as he's amazing. And i wNt my relationship to be as succesful as that of the many magnetic couples i've read about.

So how do i stop my irrational fears? Are they even irrational? Any thought?

I honestly think that you need to consider what you are willing to do for this relationship.

Personally, I think it will take a profound effort to move into an area where you will no longer fear your boyfriend and his virus. I cannot imagine taking that step without some serious help.

CBT, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, is highly effective in this matter. It will also help of course if you and your partner can also meet with a third party. Beyond all this, he is on meds and his viral load is likely to be extremely low, if not completely undetectable.

Your feelings come from a rational place, but they certainly have branched out into some irrational direction. If you think you've got it in you to commit to this, then you stand a chance. But you have to be willing to do what it takes. Hell, either way, you will end up a better person if you can move past this phobia.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

I asked because I care. He took it as me being afraid of his viral load going high again and getting infected.

Excuse me? Do either of you believe this? That someone misses ONE dose and viral load shoots up? Not. And anyway you would be having safe sex. If he has this ignorant fear, there's a problem. He needs a reality check about his HIV infection and some facts. Or have you projected this, misreported??

It's just been oral sex. I have both given and received. It's been unprotected. And I know about the endless debate on this subject.

Each time, after sex... i feel so scared. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm infected and I pretend like I'm fine so as to not make him feel bad.

Sorry but you are misinformed. There is no "endless debate". There is no debate at all. Your partner is undetectable. PLUS, blows jobs are not a risk. If you feel scared it is irrational. Not saying you don't have right to feel an emotion. Just that it IS fear, not based on fact.

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

We've had a closer connection these past days. I was with him and I actually brought the topic up. I was pretty direct and told him that he had to accept that as unfortunate as it might be, HIV is now part of his life and he just has to learn to manage it. I also told him that i want to be involved in that part of his life. I cannot imagine getting into a relationship with him and not being fully knowledgeable about this topic.

His asnwer was that he appreciated it and that with time, he'd get to the point where he could just relax and talk about it without any problems. I just hope that i don't annoy him with my multiple inquiries... I tend to be a bit overprotective sometimes. I understand that my job now is finding the line where my concern for our health end and his right for privacy begins.

After this conversation we had sex. By sex i mean, oral sex, I asked to try using a condom and he agreed, but to be honest he hated it. I could tell. He said he was losing his erection because it wasn't as good becasue of the condom. And truth be told i also hated it. It felt so weird sucking on a condom. So I removed the condom and I gave him oral sex anyway. But again, after e fact I felt guilty and as if i had put myself in risk for getting hiv. I mean, i do get the statistics and they do seem like getting hiv from oral sex was pratically safe. But i still cant shake it off my head. Im constantly checking for symptoms, rashes, enlarged lymph nodes, if i sneeze i wonder if it's a dust sneeze or it it's tat im getting a cold etc. it's too stressful living like this and i weant to go get tested but im petrified. Somehow i feel like theyre going to say "you're positive". My best friend is so upset with me because im dating him. Last time we talked she said: i dont agree with this relationship, just make sure to not come back when youre positive too because i warned you.

When i told my mom that i am gay, her first concern was HIV. I never thought that HIV would end up being so close to me! I really really want to be in a relationship with this guy as he's amazing. And i wNt my relationship to be as succesful as that of the many magnetic couples i've read about.

So how do i stop my irrational fears? Are they even irrational? Any thought?

Blue I have two questions:

1. Does your guy know how scared you are of performing oral sex on him? If he does know why is he allowing this to go on? This attitude seems a bit selfish from his side. Can't you give him a handjob instead until you control your fears and handle this situation a little better?

2. On this same subject, why are you willing to become paranoid just to please him? Is oral sex the most important part of this relationship? There are so many things to do in sex...I don't understand, honestly.

I read jkinatl2 advice and I usually don't agree that therapy is the best way to go but in your case it might actually work. It seems that he's not very well informed about his own condition if he truly believes skipping a dose will skyrocket his VL and, at the same time, you are unable to deal with this at the moment and you are putting his own pleasure before yours.

How exactly are you going to contract HIV from performing oral sex on this guy? Think about it. Is it pre-cum you're afraid of? Then don't do a full on blowjob then, take it slow.

You are losing sleep over something that's it's not really important, really. I love sex but the best thing for me is kissing, is cuddling, is having fun with my boyfriend...oral sex is just such a tiny aspect of a relationship, try to look at the bigger picture here. Do it properly when you are ready for it, stop thinking about what he wants.

first of all, I'd like to clarify that the guy I'm dating seems to be very knowledgeable about his condition. What I meant to say is that he thought that I believed that his viral load would shoot up if he didn't take it. This is not true, neither me or him believe this.

On to your questions Rockin

No, he does not know about my fears. We have talked about possible routes of infection we established that oral sex was fine at least for hiv. But I'm also not worried about other STDs because I know he's completely free of them. But I guess I have this compulsive tendency. I've always been unnecessarily scared of HIV.

Question one:

I don't want to talk to him about my fears because as it is, he's already concerned not so much about infecting me. I mean, he is cautious to keep me negative... so he's not concerned because he takes the necessary steps. His main concern is the psychological and emotional effects that HIV might have on me. He says he doesn't want me to be scared of him (which I regrettably am)

Question two:I guess, when I'm with him... all my fears go away. When I see him, I see a healthy, happy, successful man. I don't see HIV. I see a great guy that really likes and cares for me. I don't even think of HIV. I even forget that he's positive. It's when I'm alone that I think of it and remember all the possible damage my mouth sustained during the day, before sex with him. For example, I think this:

We went for a coffee in the morning, and i burned my tongue. I wonder if that puts me more at risk. We went for mexican food, and those tortilla could have scratched my cheeks, i wonder if that's big enough for the virus. I know how ridiculous that sounds... but that's what goes through my mind

He doesn't even precum that much. When he first gets hard, I pull the skin back (he's uncircumcised) and I see a bit of cum, which I usually wipe off... but after that... I never taste precum. never. Don't get me wrong, I love that fact that he doesn't precum just cus I hate the saltiness... but I love sucking him.

in any case... yes, logically i am aware of the odd of getting hiv through our activities... and I know I shouldn't be as scared as I am. I hope to control this before I hurt our relationship.

I don't want to talk to him about my fears because as it is, he's already concerned not so much about infecting me. I mean, he is cautious to keep me negative... so he's not concerned because he takes the necessary steps. His main concern is the psychological and emotional effects that HIV might have on me. He says he doesn't want me to be scared of him (which I regrettably am)

Ok, fair enough. I understand. Still think its better to be as honest as possible though.

Question two:I guess, when I'm with him... all my fears go away. When I see him, I see a healthy, happy, successful man. I don't see HIV. I see a great guy that really likes and cares for me. I don't even think of HIV. I even forget that he's positive. It's when I'm alone that I think of it and remember all the possible damage my mouth sustained during the day, before sex with him. For example, I think this:

We went for a coffee in the morning, and i burned my tongue. I wonder if that puts me more at risk. We went for mexican food, and those tortilla could have scratched my cheeks, i wonder if that's big enough for the virus. I know how ridiculous that sounds... but that's what goes through my mind

He doesn't even precum that much. When he first gets hard, I pull the skin back (he's uncircumcised) and I see a bit of cum, which I usually wipe off... but after that... I never taste precum. never. Don't get me wrong, I love that fact that he doesn't precum just cus I hate the saltiness... but I love sucking him.

Blue, if on any occasion you hurt (or think you hurt) the inside of your mouth in any way, then can't you just refrain from oral sex? I'm gonna have to ask again: is it really that important? It seems like your whole relationship depends on it.

I think you will only feel completely safe after the 1st or 2nd blood test. When you have proof that it's not that easy to get HIV. If blow jobs were so risky it's pretty safe to say that every gay guy in the world would have it by now.

in any case... yes, logically i am aware of the odd of getting hiv through our activities... and I know I shouldn't be as scared as I am. I hope to control this before I hurt our relationship.

Thanks all for your responses.

Blue, one thought: how many guys have you blew before him? Did you ever consider asking them for their blood tests? If you weren't with this guy, you would be dating other guys, right? Having sex with other guys. Would you be asking them for their blood tests before giving them a blowjob? How is it that this guy is a "higher threat" to your health than any other random guy out there?

Rockin, you have a tendency to be giving feedback that give a little bit of rationality to Blueduy's fears of contracting HIV from oral sex.

Blueduy - your fears are irrational. Your partner is undetectable and you are not going to get HIV from blowjobs.

Frankly, from the posts so far, it seems like you have quite a number of fears and obsessive thoughts about HIV infection, even to the point where you would like to project your needs (for example, you need therapy) onto your partner.

He said he would die if he infected you. Well, that's a bit overblown. Especially since you just met. So, he is not "chill" about his HIV infection and dating and sex.

And furthermore, you are a bit of a bad match for him, considering that you clearly are a big hypochondriac about HIV, well-established before meeting this guy. Wisely, you are not revealing all your fears and irrational thoughts on him, that would only scare him away. But, by not revealing, and by having all these fears, this adds up to a perfect storm of increasing bad energy about HIV. Rather than things heading for a cool contemplation and being put in a manageable place in the relationship.

I don't know of a magic wand to wave so that you can chill out all your irrational fears about HIV after blowing your guy. You have fears for yourself, about risks you are NOT taking but think you are taking. And you have fears and ideations about him, wherein his HIV status is magically not an issue when together, but the sole issue when you are apart.

I think you are the one who needs counseling and I'm not all that sure that for the moment, this is a good match - you two. Sorry to say that.

« Last Edit: August 27, 2012, 04:07:32 AM by mecch »

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Rockin, you have a tendency to be giving feedback that give a little bit of rationality to Blueduy's fears of contracting HIV from oral sex.

Mecch, honestly, most non-HIV people just don't know how to deal with this. The stigma is humongous and there are all kinds of disparaging information going around. Including from some poz people like us, who are constantly saying the most stupid shit and say they wanna die and what not. I'm just trying to respect his feelings, we all have our irrational fears. Blue is trying to deal with his and he seems to be willing to. People change.

Most people dont' know anyone who is Hiv poisitive. We dont have the actual experience to say "oh this is what living with hiv is like" most of us only have what we were told in high school in health class by a professor who in my case was super conservative. You can imagine what he told us about HIV.

I just repeesent the high percentage of people out there. Most peopple are ignorant about this desease. That's unfortunate, but it's a fact. I can understand the frustration and anger of people living with hiv. But the truth is that not enough has been done to educate people the correct way. Most websites have information that might be outdated or plain wrong. So even if people do their research, you can't say that they will get the correct information. In all the reasearch that ive been doing i found a website that states that scientific findings are more likely to be pusblished when they crerate stigma and exagerate the disease. So the general public cant really be blamed for being so scared of the desease.

I'm in no way supportting that or saying that that's the correct thing to do.

I can say that ive been inspired to do even more research on the disease and maybe even get involved with an organization that educates people about HIV.

If you're poz, i can understand your frustration, but i think it's best to educate people as opposed to just writing them off of your life just becausee they are scared of getting infected.

I will talk to my guy and let him know of everything that's been going on inside me since we started having sex. Im sure he'll understand. I feel much more confortable now with his status. Its been a great learning experience for me. And i can say im happy that i get to experience this.

Oral sex is not the most important thing of my rlationship witht this guy. But its something i enjoy doing with him.

Most people dont' know anyone who is Hiv poisitive. We dont have the actual experience to say "oh this is what living with hiv is like" most of us only have what we were told in high school in health class by a professor who in my case was super conservative. You can imagine what he told us about HIV.

I just repeesent the high percentage of people out there. Most peopple are ignorant about this desease. That's unfortunate, but it's a fact. I can understand the frustration and anger of people living with hiv. But the truth is that not enough has been done to educate people the correct way. Most websites have information that might be outdated or plain wrong. So even if people do their research, you can't say that they will get the correct information. In all the reasearch that ive been doing i found a website that states that scientific findings are more likely to be pusblished when they crerate stigma and exagerate the disease. So the general public cant really be blamed for being so scared of the desease.

I'm in no way supportting that or saying that that's the correct thing to do.

I can say that ive been inspired to do even more research on the disease and maybe even get involved with an organization that educates people about HIV.

If you're poz, i can understand your frustration, but i think it's best to educate people as opposed to just writing them off of your life just becausee they are scared of getting infected.

I will talk to my guy and let him know of everything that's been going on inside me since we started having sex. Im sure he'll understand. I feel much more confortable now with his status. Its been a great learning experience for me. And i can say im happy that i get to experience this.

Oral sex is not the most important thing of my rlationship witht this guy. But its something i enjoy doing with him.

Im not letting this amazing guy go....

Thanks all for your advice.

Hey Blue, I agree with you 100%. I understand where you are coming from. Back when I was negative (which would be almost 2 years ago, not long) I wouldn't have run for the hills just because a guy I like told me he was positive but I think I would also feel some irrational fears as well. I believe it's natural. We are wired to be scared of anything resembling the words "sickness", "ilness", "infection", "virus", etc. It is part of our survival mechanism.

And I do agree that there is a lot of misinformation out there. Not only on the internet but also said by doctors and people in general. I would probably be doing the same thing in your position. Doing research, asking, trying to understand how to deal with this situation.

I think if you truly love this guy you will stick to him and there will come a day where you won't be stressing about this stuff anymore...probably pretty soon. It's just a very new and unusual situation for you, that's all. Once your first or 2nd test turns negative you will understand that you shouldn't be afraid. I do think you are much safer with this guy than having sex with random guys out there.

Once your first or 2nd test turns negative you will understand that you shouldn't be afraid.

is very true.

When I was diagnosed, I had been in a relationship for a year and a half. We never used condoms and yet he tested negative.

Of course after my diagnosis, we did use condoms. We were both still a little worried that it wasn't enough, but after repeated negative results on his part, we knew we were doing what we needed to keep him negative. To be honest, I was a lot less worried than him, but it was me doing the learning about transmission, not him. I understood a lot more of the science than he did.

At first he tested every three months on the advice of the clinic. That lasted maybe a year. He went yearly for another year or two and by the time we split up, he hadn't tested in several years. That's how confident he was and he was right to be confident. He tested again on my insistence after we split up and he was still negative. No surprise there, but I thought it was prudent to make sure.

By the way, I was never on hiv meds during our relationship, so I always had a detectable VL.

The point is - each negative result you get will increase your confidence. Provided you're using condoms for anal intercourse, there's no reason to think you'll get anything other than a negative result.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

After having oral sex on saturday with my hiv poz honey, i realized i had a gum pocket or a section of my gums that was swollen. I think it's gingivitis. There's an article that says gingivitis is an early sympton of hiv. Could it be possible? And if i already had gingivitis, does that increase my chances of getting hiv orugh oral sex?

There is a user on this forum, his screen name is BloomK. He is exposinf his case: his gf is hiv positive and he wants to know what his chances are of becoming unfected if he goes bareback with her. Most are telling hm that the chances are slim to none if she is UD

What is thendifference between a man and a eoman? Why is it that it's almost safe just because shes a girl? Where as if i was to hav unprotected sex with my bf i'd most likely become nfected ? And, if vaginal sex is prwtty much safe when shes ud.... I would imagine that the oral sex ive had with him is even safer...even with my swollen gum right?

After having oral sex on saturday with my hiv poz honey, i realized i had a gum pocket or a section of my gums that was swollen. I think it's gingivitis. There's an article that says gingivitis is an early sympton of hiv. Could it be possible? And if i already had gingivitis, does that increase my chances of getting hiv orugh oral sex?

You're misreading that article. It is not talking about primary hiv infection, it is talking about early symptomatic hiv infection (stage 3) which occurs a few years down the line. Go see your dentist and get your mouth sorted out. Using diluted hydrogen peroxide as a mouthwash will often help get rid of gingivitis. (Spit, don't swallow!)

What is thendifference between a man and a eoman? Why is it that it's almost safe just because shes a girl? Where as if i was to hav unprotected sex with my bf i'd most likely become nfected ? And, if vaginal sex is prwtty much safe when shes ud.... I would imagine that the oral sex ive had with him is even safer...even with my swollen gum right?

It's not a difference between a man and a woman so much as a difference between the insertive partner (aka top) and the receptive partner (aka bottom).

Whether the bottom is being penetrated vaginally or anally, the surface area where there are cells that hiv can infect is much, much greater than the surface areas on the penis where hiv can infect.

The areas where there are the correct types of cells that hiv can infect on a penis are in the lining of the urethra and on the inner lining of the foreskin, if you have one. This is the part of the foreskin that you cannot see when the penis is flaccid and the foreskin is lying over and hiding the head. Hiv cannot infect directly through the skin, and the skin on your penis (aside from the inner foreskin) is no different.

You're not going to get infected through oral when he has an UD VL. Your saliva contains over a dozen different proteins and enzymes that damage hiv and render it unable to infect.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Winter is around the corner, and I've read in some websites that if I get a cold (which I always do during the winter, at least three times) I should stay away from my boyfriend as to try to avoid getting him sick too. According to these websites, I should do so because getting him sick would mean that he could get extremely ill, or a virus like the flu could send his viral load trough the roof or his medication could stop working.

I honestly, have a bit of trouble believing that because, obviously people living with HIV nowadays usually die of old age or some other cause. Flu's and colds are the extremely common... so, I would imagine that hiv positive poeple get colds like anybody else.... does anyone know anything about this ?

Winter is around the corner, and I've read in some websites that if I get a cold (which I always do during the winter, at least three times) I should stay away from my boyfriend as to try to avoid getting him sick too. According to these websites, I should do so because getting him sick would mean that he could get extremely ill, or a virus like the flu could send his viral load trough the roof or his medication could stop working.

I honestly, have a bit of trouble believing that because, obviously people living with HIV nowadays usually die of old age or some other cause. Flu's and colds are the extremely common... so, I would imagine that hiv positive poeple get colds like anybody else.... does anyone know anything about this ?

If your BF has a decent CD4 count and takes appropriate health measures (plenty of sleep, good diet, washing hands, not touching doorknobs and then rubbing eyes, you know, the usual) he really shouldn't get more colds than anyone else - and the ones he gets shouldn't be worse than anyone else's either.

As for having an illness imparting resistance to medications, that's bullshit. Not taking his meds, however, can manage to do that. Even if he gets the nasty flu, he ought to stay on his meds.

Thing is, if he has a decent CD4 count then there's no reason to treat him like some delicate flower. Hell, I have about 215 Cd4 cells, and I plan on whitewater rafting this month. I'm also shaking off what had threatened to be a cold before I nuked it with drugs.

In short, if you have a cold then try not to give it to him. Not because it will kill him or destroy his treatment, but because someone has to stay healthy enough to go out and buy Nyquil.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

So, he goes to the doctor every two months. Currently, his viral load is undetectable. He told me that he goes just to make sure that his meds are working correctly etc. I also know that some people go through different medicines before they find the right treatment.

So, could it be possible that the meds just stop working for no reason? And if that's the case, how usual is this? And could it be possible to find another treatment that would bring his VL back to a normal state?

So, he goes to the doctor every two months. Currently, his viral load is undetectable. He told me that he goes just to make sure that his meds are working correctly etc. I also know that some people go through different medicines before they find the right treatment.

So, could it be possible that the meds just stop working for no reason? And if that's the case, how usual is this? And could it be possible to find another treatment that would bring his VL back to a normal state?

Meds don't normally just stop working for no reason. And if his current regimen ever does, there are literally hundreds of combinations. In 2012, an HIV positive person would have to work pretty hard (at non compliance) to exhaust all possible options.

Looks like he has quite a handle on his situation. Feel free to peruse the lessons on treatment here on AIDSMEDS and look up his drugs, and educate yourself about treatment in general. It's a bit of a learning curve, but it will certainly go a long ways towards calming any residual anxiety.

Oh, and that undetectable viral load is awesome.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

I have this scar on my butt, right outside the sphincter of my anus. In the middle of the scar there is this "raw" dot, maybe the size half of a pea? I just know that it's small. So sometimes that bleeds. My mother says that when I was born I had a hernia and they operated it so that's why I have that.

In any case, last nigt me and my partner were messing around, and me he masturbated and ejaculated on my lower back. The semen rolled in between my cheeks and I'm pretty sure that it touched the little wound. it was there for maybe a minute or so. As a reminder, my partner s HIV positive and on successful treatment that brought his viral load to undetectable levels. Should I go to the doctor and seek PEP?

I have this scar on my butt, right outside the sphincter of my anus. In the middle of the scar there is this "raw" dot, maybe the size half of a pea? I just know that it's small. So sometimes that bleeds. My mother says that when I was born I had a hernia and they operated it so that's why I have that.

In any case, last nigt me and my partner were messing around, and me he masturbated and ejaculated on my lower back. The semen rolled in between my cheeks and I'm pretty sure that it touched the little wound. it was there for maybe a minute or so. As a reminder, my partner s HIV positive and on successful treatment that brought his viral load to undetectable levels. Should I go to the doctor and seek PEP?

That is ABSOLUTELY NOT a situation that warrants PEP.

Doesn't even warrant testing over. Shouldn't give you a second thought, actually.

HIV is an extremely fragile virus that requires an anaerobic environment in order to infect.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

I dont know what to do. Ive tried soo hard not to worry and to let these types of things alert me the way they do. As long as i am wIth this guy, I will always be super scared.

I'm so conflicted and dont know what to do. He's a good guy but the stress is killing me. I just dont know what to do. I feel like i will eventually become infected. Therres days in which im fine, and then theres days in which all these thoughts come to me and then i freak out. I love him, but im scared.

Blueduy - your fears are irrational. Your partner is undetectable and you are not going to get HIV from blowjobs.

Frankly, from the posts so far, it seems like you have quite a number of fears and obsessive thoughts about HIV infection, even to the point where you would like to project your needs (for example, you need therapy) onto your partner.

He said he would die if he infected you. Well, that's a bit overblown. Especially since you just met. So, he is not "chill" about his HIV infection and dating and sex.

And furthermore, you are a bit of a bad match for him, considering that you clearly are a big hypochondriac about HIV, well-established before meeting this guy. Wisely, you are not revealing all your fears and irrational thoughts on him, that would only scare him away. But, by not revealing, and by having all these fears, this adds up to a perfect storm of increasing bad energy about HIV. Rather than things heading for a cool contemplation and being put in a manageable place in the relationship.

I don't know of a magic wand to wave so that you can chill out all your irrational fears about HIV after blowing your guy. You have fears for yourself, about risks you are NOT taking but think you are taking. And you have fears and ideations about him, wherein his HIV status is magically not an issue when together, but the sole issue when you are apart.

I think you are the one who needs counseling and I'm not all that sure that for the moment, this is a good match - you two. Sorry to say that.

Repeat post.

Why don't you stop having a sexual relationship with this guy for the time being. You don't need this heavy fear, irrational though it may be. Why suffer. Also, he doesn't need to have a sex partner who is dying of freight about the sex. Just tell him that you have obsessive fears about HIV and that you want to figure out how to solve that. Maybe he can help you more as a friend if the sex is off the table. What are your resources to get over this fear? 1) Him. 2) Us in this forum. 3) Get a therapist.

If you don't know how to read factual information and have it emotionally compute, I don't think open reading on the Internet is going to help your hypochondriac mind. But make sure you read the lessons on this site.

You might make an appointment with your medical doctor if he/she is someone you have a good relationship with, a long one, perhaps, and tell him/her your heavy fears about HIV risks/transmission. If hearing from your MD will help the information emotionally compute.

What ideas do you have yourself, how to work through these fears? What resources. I still stick to my first impression that you shouldn't be in a sexual relationship with this partner. Its fine to be in love and just hold off on the sex until the day it becomes emotionally safe for you. Or, if overcoming your irrational fears is not possible, obviously you can't be in a sexual relationship with a HIV+ person.

« Last Edit: September 10, 2012, 10:37:18 PM by mecch »

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

What does this tell you about your future, at least until you come to grips about HIV, with this guy?

Are you planning on torturing the guy until you are ok? This is getting pretty offensive, pretty quickly.

I mean what the hell? If you like this guy, you will give him the chance to find happiness with someone who isn't totally freaked out. Where is your therapist? Where is the hard work you are doing to make this ok?

Jesus, YOU DON'T HAVE A CHRONIC ILLNESS. Why insist that the guy who DOES become your caregiver?

Fuck all, I am sorry, but this is absolute bullshit.

Get your ass into therapy. Couples' therapy if your obviously LONG SUFFERING boyfriend thinks it will help.

You say you like this guy. Maybe love him even. Then it's high time to put HIS happiness before your own.

Either get to work or walk away. NO ONE deserves to be treated like a pariah, especially not in his own goddamned bedroom. There are PLENTY of HIV negative guys who do not have an irrational fear over HIV. LET HIM FIND ONE OF THOSE.

Because I cannot imagine you being anything but a source of fear and depression, low self esteem and stigma at this point.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

I understand why you'd be bothered by what I said. I apologize if I come off as offensive. It was not my intention at all.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety many times in the past. It's something that's hard to control.

Agreed, and with sympathies. But you are unleashing all this on someone who deserves and needs it least.

Think beyond YOURSELF for a moment, can you? Is your paranoid, ineffective attempt at happiness worth the self esteem and mental health of your partner? Until you get your own demons under control, you are of little or no use to anyone else - especially someone dealing with his own set of obstacles-

OF WHICH YOU ARE ONE.

I mean, did you sign onto an HIV positive support forum and think that we'd suggest anything else? We've collectively tried to be nice, and helpful. But HOW LONG does this guy deserve the torture?

Here is an Ultimatum:

IF you love him

You will take the next three to six months fixing yourself with therapy. You will excuse yourself from the relationship and do that. If you were meant to be together, he will be available when you are ready. If not, then there you go.

But please know that we will not continue to enable you to provide hurtful fear, paranoia, and stigma to a positive person because you are selfishly too concerned with your own status.

You know something? My partner has severe Crohns'. He recently had a temporary colostomy. I spent every night at the hospital, and when discussing it with medical folks refer to it as "our" Crohn's and "our" ostomy. Because I am his goddamned partner. His illness is only distinguishable from my own by mechanics. What impacts him, impacts US. It's OUR disease.

Just like HIV is YOUR disease, while you are with this guy. And it is apparent that you can't handle it. Why continue to torture the man you purport to love?

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

jkinatl.... what torture are you exactly talking about? What is it that you're assuming?

At 18, I don't know how I could possibly handle this situation any better. Specially because I just four months ago I came out of the closet so i could date this guy (didn't go too well with parents) I just moved to LA, got into college, and this is the very first guy I ever date. I had never had sexual contact with anyone. I come from an extremely conservative family. My guy knows all of this. i have stepped waaaay out of my comfort zone for this guy. I don't regret it at all. I'm doing all of this for him and just to be able to be with him. So please, don't ask condescendingly about my input in this relationship without knowing the whole story.

Yes, I have fears, doubts, nights where I don't sleep and just think about what would happen if I left him, what would happen if I became infected, and what would happen if we did end up together for a long time. But i deal with all of this by myself. He doens't know. Sure we have talked, but I never touch topics we already discussed because I can only imagine how heavy the load on his shoulders is. I understand that this problem is on me, and I don't talk to him about it. I'm seeing a psychologist on campus and talking to her has helped a bit. But I only get to see her about twice a month. It's irrational for anyone to expect my fears or anyone's to just vanish after a simple conversation with anyone, no matter how knowledgeable and professional they are. It takes time. And I'm sure my boyfriend wouldn't expect me to just be okay after a few sessions... so why do you?

Don't assume that I call him everyday and bug him about this because I do not. We talked about this once and since then we have not touched the topic. So I'm not putting a load on him. If anything he tells me that I'm the most amazing thing that's ever happened to him, and he's thankful for how understanding I've been on his situation. I'm not saying I am any of that... my point is... I try to be extremely careful not to upset him.

I'd love to pay a therapist... but between college, tuition, rent, etc etc. . . I just can't afford it. I have to stick to my campus psychologist. . . she's great, but not readily available.

What stigma are you talking about? I don't judge him or accuse him or anyone infected with HIV of anything. I'm simply concerned for OUR future. not just mine. It's not my fault that society instigates this fear and tells us that HIV is such a dangerous thing. Get out of poz.com and check other sites, they are full of false information... at this time and date, some sites even claim that you can get HIV from tears. So even if one is out there trying to do some research, you're not guaranteed to get accurate information. Not even from doctors or professionals as some have an agenda, they want to scare you and tell you that HIV is the worst thing that could happen to anyone. YOU CANNOT JUDGE PEOPLE FOR BEING AFRAID!!!! Most people do not know anyone that is infected, so whatever information they have on HIV is from the news, or from high school. As you very well know (i hope) this information is not reliable. Most of the time they use scare tactics.

Again, I don't know how I could handle this situation any better. I, personally feel that I've gone above and beyond for this guy. And to be told that I'm an obstacle to him, to be honest brought tears to my eyes.

I did not sign up to this forum so you could enable me to hurt anyone, I signed up to this forum as part of the process of learning about this disease and maybe talk to other serodiscordant couples.

I will not give up this relationship. I will continue to educate myself and get past all of this. All I can do is hope for the best. But thanks for making me feel like shit.

jkinatl.... what torture are you exactly talking about? What is it that you're assuming?

At 18, I don't know how I could possibly handle this situation any better. Specially because I just four months ago I came out of the closet so i could date this guy (didn't go too well with parents) I just moved to LA, got into college, and this is the very first guy I ever date. I had never had sexual contact with anyone. I come from an extremely conservative family. My guy knows all of this. i have stepped waaaay out of my comfort zone for this guy. I don't regret it at all. I'm doing all of this for him and just to be able to be with him. So please, don't ask condescendingly about my input in this relationship without knowing the whole story.

Yes, I have fears, doubts, nights where I don't sleep and just think about what would happen if I left him, what would happen if I became infected, and what would happen if we did end up together for a long time. But i deal with all of this by myself. He doens't know. Sure we have talked, but I never touch topics we already discussed because I can only imagine how heavy the load on his shoulders is. I understand that this problem is on me, and I don't talk to him about it. I'm seeing a psychologist on campus and talking to her has helped a bit. But I only get to see her about twice a month. It's irrational for anyone to expect my fears or anyone's to just vanish after a simple conversation with anyone, no matter how knowledgeable and professional they are. It takes time. And I'm sure my boyfriend wouldn't expect me to just be okay after a few sessions... so why do you?

Don't assume that I call him everyday and bug him about this because I do not. We talked about this once and since then we have not touched the topic. So I'm not putting a load on him. If anything he tells me that I'm the most amazing thing that's ever happened to him, and he's thankful for how understanding I've been on his situation. I'm not saying I am any of that... my point is... I try to be extremely careful not to upset him.

I'd love to pay a therapist... but between college, tuition, rent, etc etc. . . I just can't afford it. I have to stick to my campus psychologist. . . she's great, but not readily available.

What stigma are you talking about? I don't judge him or accuse him or anyone infected with HIV of anything. I'm simply concerned for OUR future. not just mine. It's not my fault that society instigates this fear and tells us that HIV is such a dangerous thing. Get out of poz.com and check other sites, they are full of false information... at this time and date, some sites even claim that you can get HIV from tears. So even if one is out there trying to do some research, you're not guaranteed to get accurate information. Not even from doctors or professionals as some have an agenda, they want to scare you and tell you that HIV is the worst thing that could happen to anyone. YOU CANNOT JUDGE PEOPLE FOR BEING AFRAID!!!! Most people do not know anyone that is infected, so whatever information they have on HIV is from the news, or from high school. As you very well know (i hope) this information is not reliable. Most of the time they use scare tactics.

Again, I don't know how I could handle this situation any better. I, personally feel that I've gone above and beyond for this guy. And to be told that I'm an obstacle to him, to be honest brought tears to my eyes.

I did not sign up to this forum so you could enable me to hurt anyone, I signed up to this forum as part of the process of learning about this disease and maybe talk to other serodiscordant couples.

I will not give up this relationship. I will continue to educate myself and get past all of this. All I can do is hope for the best. But thanks for making me feel like shit.

Blue...I don't judge you for being afraid. I think you are very young and this is a complicated thing to deal with.

HOWEVER...stop for a second and think how would you react if you had HIV and how would you deal with irrational fears of others. Don't say the nonsense about "I`d kill myself" as we all know very few people have the courage to go through with that. Just put yourself in other people's shoes for a change and then you might understand the anger and frustration.

HIV can happen to anyone who, even just once in their life, did not use a condom. And that is easily 90% of the sexually active population of Earth (if not 100%).

My own father told me "When I divorced your mom I'd sometimes sleep with these women after some heavy partying and binge drinking and would have sex without a condom. I didn't know those women, it could have happened to me."

When it comes to fear and information, you cannot allow random articles to get the best of you. "They say you can get HIV through tears". Do you believe in that, even for a second?

And blow jobs...if HIV was so easily transmitted through a blow job, I think is safe to say that the gay male population of Earth would be cut in more than 50% by now. Don't you think?

If you really want to stay with this guy you have to get over yourself. You have to be able to use a condom and relax.

Otherwise, I think you have to consider if this is what you really want or if you're just feeling a bit lonely.

jkinatl.... what torture are you exactly talking about? What is it that you're assuming?

At 18, I don't know how I could possibly handle this situation any better. Specially because I just four months ago I came out of the closet so i could date this guy (didn't go too well with parents) I just moved to LA, got into college, and this is the very first guy I ever date. I had never had sexual contact with anyone. I come from an extremely conservative family. My guy knows all of this. i have stepped waaaay out of my comfort zone for this guy. I don't regret it at all. I'm doing all of this for him and just to be able to be with him. So please, don't ask condescendingly about my input in this relationship without knowing the whole story.

Yes, I have fears, doubts, nights where I don't sleep and just think about what would happen if I left him, what would happen if I became infected, and what would happen if we did end up together for a long time. But i deal with all of this by myself. He doens't know. Sure we have talked, but I never touch topics we already discussed because I can only imagine how heavy the load on his shoulders is. I understand that this problem is on me, and I don't talk to him about it. I'm seeing a psychologist on campus and talking to her has helped a bit. But I only get to see her about twice a month. It's irrational for anyone to expect my fears or anyone's to just vanish after a simple conversation with anyone, no matter how knowledgeable and professional they are. It takes time. And I'm sure my boyfriend wouldn't expect me to just be okay after a few sessions... so why do you?

Don't assume that I call him everyday and bug him about this because I do not. We talked about this once and since then we have not touched the topic. So I'm not putting a load on him. If anything he tells me that I'm the most amazing thing that's ever happened to him, and he's thankful for how understanding I've been on his situation. I'm not saying I am any of that... my point is... I try to be extremely careful not to upset him.

I'd love to pay a therapist... but between college, tuition, rent, etc etc. . . I just can't afford it. I have to stick to my campus psychologist. . . she's great, but not readily available.

What stigma are you talking about? I don't judge him or accuse him or anyone infected with HIV of anything. I'm simply concerned for OUR future. not just mine. It's not my fault that society instigates this fear and tells us that HIV is such a dangerous thing. Get out of poz.com and check other sites, they are full of false information... at this time and date, some sites even claim that you can get HIV from tears. So even if one is out there trying to do some research, you're not guaranteed to get accurate information. Not even from doctors or professionals as some have an agenda, they want to scare you and tell you that HIV is the worst thing that could happen to anyone. YOU CANNOT JUDGE PEOPLE FOR BEING AFRAID!!!! Most people do not know anyone that is infected, so whatever information they have on HIV is from the news, or from high school. As you very well know (i hope) this information is not reliable. Most of the time they use scare tactics.

Again, I don't know how I could handle this situation any better. I, personally feel that I've gone above and beyond for this guy. And to be told that I'm an obstacle to him, to be honest brought tears to my eyes.

I did not sign up to this forum so you could enable me to hurt anyone, I signed up to this forum as part of the process of learning about this disease and maybe talk to other serodiscordant couples.

I will not give up this relationship. I will continue to educate myself and get past all of this. All I can do is hope for the best. But thanks for making me feel like shit.

When you sign onto a forum populated almost entirely by adults, it is not condescending to treat you like one.

But Rockin is right. You are 18, and that ought to be taken into consideration.

My advise still holds, however. I would have sugar coated it a bit had I known your age.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

Hi Blueday, perhaps i can add a different perspective to this conversatoin.

I myself am not positive, but my boyfriend that i have been dating for around 6 months is. He tested positive within a month of us dating.

When he first told me the news, i too was very scared. I did not know all that much about HIV, and i was scared for him, for myself, for us...i think it is only natural.

For the first few weeks, maybe more, we barely had sex of any kind, because both of us were scared and still uncomfortable about it. What i found to really help me get over these fears, was to really take control of my own situation. I talked to my boyfriend about it, i read everything i could about it, i went to his doctors appointments with him, hell i even set an alarm to remind me to remind HIM to take his meds haha. This is what has worked for ME. I decided that i really cared for this man, and really wanted to make a life with him, and being all in was my way of being able to get over the rational and irrational fears.

I think in your situation, being so young (I am 10 years older than you, and know that i likely would have reacted quite differently 10 years ago), and having issues with anxiety, it is natural that is extremely difficult for you.

I can't say that my way of handling it is the right way, and would work for you...everybody, and every situation is different. What i will say is that if you really want to try and make this relationship work, you clearly need to take steps different than what you have been taking. Do some of the things that the posters above have been advising...and also understand something that is difficult for ANY 18 year old in love to understand, even when HIV is not involved...sometimes it is just not meant to be. I am NOT saying that is true in your case, i have no idea...but don't dig in on the idea that you HAVE to be with this guy to the point where you blind yourself to the realities of insurmountable obstacles in your relationship. At the end of the day, if you are honest with yourself and with him, it will be best for the both of you, even if it hurts at the time...and that is true whether you stay together or not!