Friday, December 30, 2011

Honestly I'm not sad to see 2011 go. It has been quite a year, but I am ready for 2012.

Some good things:
I got hired on full time and am no longer a contractor at a job I love! I was going through old paperwork last night and it is hard to believe how far I have come since I started my career nine years ago. Less than three years ago I was laid-off from a job I was not happy at. It sucked! I quickly found another job (that I really enjoyed) but it was at about a 30% pay cut from what I had been making. Now I have a job I honestly love at a company I love and am making almost double what I was making two years ago! I am so thankful for where I am career-wise. That lay-off ended up being one of the best things that has ever happened to me!

Possibly the worst year ever in the love department. I tried speed dating (3 times!) and hated it. I made out with four guys this year and don't remember any of them because they were all on nights I had way too much to drink. And one of them I REALLY should not have made out with. Actually I probably shouldn't have made out with any of them. I had no REAL "let me take you out because I really like you" dates. No guys I was even really interested in this year. I don't know where my freaking husband is, but if he is out there, I sure do hope we find each other soon because I am so over being single.

Last year at this time I made some goals instead of resolutions. Three things to start doing, three things to stop, and three things to keep in my life. Let's see how I did...

Start:

Getting to work by 9 am. - FAIL- I rarely make it to work before 9 am unless I have an early meeting that I have to be there for. I usually get there sometime between 9-10am. (I know, I am extremely lucky that I have flexible hours!)

If I go in to work between 8-9 am the traffic is double what it is if I go in after 9am. But the downside is we have hired a ton more people and if you get there after 9am you have to park so freaking far away (if you can even find a spot!). I need to get better at this though and just deal with the traffic or maybe even try going in way earlier because staying at work until 7pm (or even later) sucks.

Cooking more. - Semi-Success- I didn't make a new recipe every week but I definitely cooked more this year than I ever had before.

Wearing Make-up every day- Success- It is very rare for me to not wear any make-up whatsoever now. I don't get crazy or anything, but makeup is now part of my daily routine. (crazy it hadn't been before right?

Stop:

Neglecting my house- Success- I think I have the dog hair semi-under control now. It is a lot of work, but I've developed a routine that works pretty well.

Drinking like I am in college-Semi-SuccessFAIL- I stopped drinking on the regular, but that made me have a very low tolerence. So when special events would roll around I would get very drunk, very fast and ended up doing some pretty stupid things. Now I have my 2 drink (or 4 if it is a long event) rule and so far so good...we shall see if I can keep it up.

Smoking- SUCCESS- I can't believe I was a smoker. Even if it was just a few a day or week...I was still a smoker. Yuck! I am sooo glad to have kicked that habit!

Keep:

Growing my faith- Success- I still go to church and b-study every week and I am head over heels in love with Jesus. I don't want to sound like a crazy Christian, but God is the most important thing in my life and I wouldn't want it any other way.

My friends- Success- There was one little hiccup with my main group of friends, but I tell ya- you really know who your true friends are when they can love you and accept you after seeing you at your worst. I do think I am going to skip the big New Year's party though because I am just so afraid that couple will be there and honestly I am terrified to face everyone else that I haven't seen in person since "the incident". (Gosh I did not even want to link to that post because I would like to erase it from my history, but any new readers might need some background on what happened. Please don't judge me!)

I am still best friends with one of the very first friends I made back in college. We have seen each other through a lot and to still have a close friendship where you talk almost daily with someone for almost 15 years is amazing.

I also have made a lot of new friends this year. I have more friends at work and have some new best friends though my bible study- seriously have met some of the most awesome people in my life through that group! And have also even developed some friendships through people I have met from blogging!

Friendship can be hard ya'll. Especially when you get older and have more responsibilities. You have to nuture and develop friendships all the time or you could end up losing some people who you once thought were very important to you or have no one to hang out with on a Friday night if you end up being single for an extended period of time!

This is one of the best blog posts I have ever read on developing friendship. You should definitely go check it out!

Running- Semi-success- I ran 3 5Ks this year and started training for my 10K. I start my half marathon training next week! I'm going to run the Cooper River Bridge Run in March and then a half marathon in Raleigh in April. (If everything goes according to plan!) I got to where I could do 5 miles in under an hour (which still is kind of slow) but I haven't ran in almost 3 weeks now! I am going for a run today but I have a feeling it is going to be tough after that long of a break!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

I love being a Carolina girl (the state not the college). I've lived in North Carolina my whole life and I may be a bit biased but I think this is one of the best places on earth to live. You've got Southern Hospitality. You've got the mountains and the beach just a short drive away. Life couldn't get much better.

I love the Carolinas.

And I love boys.

And after watching this I think I love boys who can sing about Carolina!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I've hosted Christmas at my house for the past couple years now. It is just my mom, my uncle (her brother), and me. This year they came up a few days early. We were able to go to a hockey game and also go to Christmas Eve service at my church.

Having house guests also inspired me to try out some new recipes I've found on Pinterest.

So I tried to pull this recipe up on my phone using the Pinterest app that morning, but that stupid app sucks sometimes. It would only show my last 15 pins I had on that board and breakfast casserole wasn't one of them. I didn't want to boot up my computer, so I just googled "breakfast casserole" and used one that had all the ingredients I had bought- which were crescent rolls, eggs, cheese and sausage.

Here is what mine looked like:

I was not a fan of this. It wasn't bad. I'm just not a big hearty breakfast eater. I thought it had way too much cheese and sausage. I would have rather had something lighter.

Luckily I also tried this recipe I found on Pinterest which was a huge hit!

(Like the blog I pulled this from, I just used half the recipe- 1 apple, 1 pkg crescent rolls, 3/4 cup sugar, 1 stick of butter, 1/2 a can of Mnt. Dew, a little bit of cinnamon and a little vanilla)

First you peel and slice the apples and then you wrap a crescent roll around them and put them in a baking dish.

Then you mix together the butter (melted), sugar and vanilla and then pour it over the apples. Then you pour 1/2 a can a Mnt. Dew over top and sprinkle them with cinnamon. It will look weird but have faith.

Bake them in a 350 degree oven for 30-40 minutes.

When you take them out they will still look weird. Mine had a pool of liquid in the bottom and they all smushed together in the tiny baking dish:

I served them with two small scoops of vanilla sugar free ice cream and OMG they were soooo good! I will be making these again for sure! I wonder if they would be just as good with Splenda and Diet Mnt. Dew?

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I got a lot of great things for Christmas over the last few weeks! Some of these are from my Black Friday shopping, some from the amazing Christmas sales (I couldn't help picking up a few things for myself since I was already there getting stuff for others!), and some of the gifts I received (or already bought with some Christmas cash I was given!)

New running shoes and some Bondibands! I have either a huge or odd shaped head because regular headbands just pop off my head. I am hoping these will work!

A bodybugg! They wear these on the Biggest Loser. I also heard Valerie Burtonelli talk about hers in her book Finding It. And my boss has one and loves it. All of that and some internet reseach convinced me to get one! You wear it and it tracks how many calories you burn. You input what you eat and that way you can see if you are on track calorie-wise for the day. So far I have just used it to see how many calories I am burning on average, but starting Sunday I will be tracking everything!

Some much needed new nail polish. I haven't bought any in forever (or painted my nails). But last week I decided to add "painting my nails" to my weekly to-do list. I went through my nail polish bag and over half of them were no good (too goopy or separated too much). So I got these to kick off my new collection.

My mom gave me the money to get this sewing machine on Black Friday. It was only $50! I already signed up to take beginning sewing classes in a few weeks at our local Art Center. I am hoping to make a few things for around the house but most importantly I am hoping I will be able to hem my own pants! Being a shorty this has always been an issue for me and I will be so happy if I can do it myself!

These awesome new shoes! I REALLY needed new shoes. I find a pair I love and wear them down to nothing. I had never heard of this brand before (Levity). Apparently it is exclusive to DSW. They are so comfortable and so cute!

This might be my most favorite of all! This was another Black Friday buy- only $69! It has been forever since I rode a bike, but as a kid it was one of my most favorite things to do. I got my first bike when I was five (I think) and I barely had the training wheels on for an hour before I was riding every freaking day throughout the neighborhood. And just like they say "it was just like riding a bike"- it came right back to me! I have a grocery store right down the street (with a Redbox!) and even a Target about a mile or so up the road if I am feeling really adventurous. I plan on getting a little basket for the front. I also take Cam out at night when there aren't many cars out. I ride and he runs beside me. He LOVES it because he can run so fast! It makes me a little nervous that he is going to jerk away or stop suddenly and cause me to crash, but so far no accidents!

Oh and I used some of my Christmas cash to buy tickets to see this when it comes back to the DPAC in May! So excited!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Last week I had two of my closest friends over for dinner and to celebrate Christmas. I used it as an opportunity to try out one of the recipes I had found on Pinterest. Here is the pin that inspired me:

Place a piece of wax paper on the counter and lay out lasagna noodles. Make sure noodles are dry. Take 1/3 cup of ricotta mixture and spread evenly over noodle. Roll carefully and place seam side down onto the baking dish. Repeat with remaining noodles.

Ladle sauce over the noodles in the baking dish and top each one with 1 tbsp mozzarella cheese. Put foil over baking dish and bake for 40 minutes, or until cheese melts. Makes 9 rolls.

To serve, ladle a little sauce on the plate and top with lasagna roll.

The girls loved it! And I even forgot an ingredient...I forgot to add the Parmesan cheese! Oh well. It didn't matter. Everyone cleaned their plates!

The recipe is healthy too! It is from skinnytaste.com and I have a feeling I am going to try a lot more recipes from that site!

The reason why I really started this Pinterest Inspired Wednesday series was because I want to see what you guys have made, bought, baked, been inspired to DO based on a pin you pinned on pinterest! Sometimes they turn out good and sometimes not so good. Was it all you ever hoped for or did it let you down? Was it as easy as they say or incredibly hard? Come on! Share your experiences too!

I have no idea what they have planned but I'm sure it will be awesome!

Do you go to any Christmas pageants/musicals/plays? One of my friends is Moravian and tells me about something they have called a "Love Feast". I would love to go to that! Outside of church activities, I would also love to go see The Nutcracker someday!

Monday, December 19, 2011

I said I would never do this. I always had a little thing against photo Christmas cards. For some reason to me they just seemed more about you than the person you are sending them to. I mean it is just a picture of your pretty family for someone to hang on their refrigerator with a one line greeting like "Merry Christmas". You can't even write a personal note or anything really. I just was never a huge fan.

But it is just so darn cute to have personalized stuff and I fell for it this year. I took the cutest picture of Cam last Christmas and made some photo Christmas cards with it this year:

I still like traditional cards better and writing something personal. I only sent out 20 this year because photo cards are expensive but I usually send out many more and I felt bad editing my list (but I did better than last year when I didn't send out any because I was too immersed in the Great Cat Hunt of '10- BTW yesterday was the one year anniversary of when I found Bailey, my cat, after he had been missing for 15 long, cold days!!).

One year I made a Christmas CD and sent out a CD of Christmas carols to everyone on my list. I got a Facebook message from a friend this weekend saying she still listens to that CD at Christmas and thinks of me. That was probably my favorite Christmas card year.

This year I have only received three Christmas cards though. Are Christmas cards out of fashion or is it just all my friends that are boycotting the tradition? Or does nobody love me? Who knows, but my cute new Christmas card holder looks really sad.

Do you send out Christmas cards? Do you like getting Christmas cards? Or do you think it is time to retire the tradition?

Sunday, December 18, 2011

This week's sermon was on 1 Peter 5:6-11. It was about suffering. Here are my notes/thoughts:

- Most of the time we confuse suffering with inconvenience. We have a lot of first world problems. We like to play the victim. We like to complain. I do this all the time. I was already thinking of making one of my New Year's resolutions to complain less. I want to increase joy in my life. Instead of focusing on the bad I need to focus on the good more. I want to find joy no matter what the situation, not something to complain about no matter what the situation is.

The 3 main points from the sermon were:

1. Humble submission points us to the authority of God. Who is the author of your life? Do you really trust Him even when things are bad or not the way you want them to be? Not all suffering is from God- we live in a fallen world. And even if your suffering is discipline it is not punishment- the punishment for your sin was on the cross.

2. We always submit to something- either sin or authority. We follow our desires instead of His direction. What do you turn to for comfort? Every idol in our life must be identified and destroyed. He should be what we turn to for comfort.

3. Our struggle is not forever. Even the entirety of your life is just a short time compared to eternity.

I went to church on Saturday night and when I came home I watched the movie Soul Surfer. It was such a good movie! But I cried almost the whole way through it because it really emphasized what suffering is and what it is not and what our reaction to it should be.

Then today I got word that my friend's mother passed away. She had been battling cancer for a while. It just made this whole suffering thing come in to perspective.

Everyone experiences suffering in this life. Everyone. The point is not to compare yours to others. The point is recognizing the difference between inconvenience and suffering and how you react to both.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4

Thursday, December 15, 2011

A girl in my Bible study shared this on Facebook and I just had to post it here because it is so good and I can relate so much. It's a little long, but well worth watching!

I need to watch this everyday to remind me of the TRUTH.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from it:

"I was going to make him The One" (oh yes, that was/is totally me)

"Arteries so clogged with my will it blocks His will from flowing through me."

"The bad thing is, I knew he wasn't you from the beginning. Because in the beginning was the Word and he didn't even sound or shine like Your Son."

"Cause I have thoughts I've "saved as" in a file that God has only equipped you to open."

"I will no longer get weighted down from the so-called friends and family talks about the concern for my biological clock when I serve the Author of Time."

At the end of the day, I'm single and THAT'S OK. Whether "he" (AKA "The One") is out there or not, I will be ok because He is the author of my life, not me. And He works for the good of all those who love him!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do. ~Sarah Ban Breathnach

I think this new Pinterest Inspired Wednesday feature will be the perfect chance to take that quote
to heart. Pinterest is all about dreams. Things you aspire to, things
you want, things you think are beautiful, things you want to make,
dreams you have for the future, things that make you laugh, things that
are ingeniously useful. Now we just need to DO something with all those dreams.

I still like the original better, but at least I tried and I worked with what I had and actually did (or tried to do) something that inspired me. My cookie jar I had in the kitchen was a different shape than the jar used in the picture and my "colors" are red and sliver and white at Christmas around my house. I still like it though! I also think the angle of the shot and the quality of the camera helped hers- yet ANOTHER reason I need to get a real big girl camera and take some photography lessons!

So the reason why I really started this was because I want to see what you guys have made, bought, baked, been inspired to DO based on a pin you pinned on pinterest! Was it all you ever hoped for or did it let you down? Was it as easy as they say or incredibly hard? Come on! Share your experiences too! Link up below to your blog post about what inspired you to DO on Pinterest this week!

Monday, December 12, 2011

So what did I do this weekend? Most if it involved a lot of ball rolling. And dipping balls in chocolate. (get your minds our of the gutters!) I was making Oreo truffles for a Cookie Exchange party I went to. I made 72 (actually 80 because I kept (ate) a few but needed 72 for the party.

Kitchens Tips

How to Easily Dip Truffles

To easily coat truffles with the melted
chocolate, add truffles, in batches, to bowl of melted chocolate. Use 2
forks to roll truffles in chocolate until evenly coated. Remove
truffles with forks, letting excess chocolate drip back into bowl. (oh yeah it is just sooo easy miss. recipe writer)

Place truffles on prepared baking sheet; let stand until firm.

How to Store- Store in tightly covered container in refrigerator.

Notes from the imperfect baker (ME): This did not give me 48 balls because I made mine too big. I also wanted to make different varieties so I made some with the Peanut Butter Oreos and some with the Mint Oreos. These two packages had way less that the regular oreo pack (even though they looked the same). I would recommend doing only half the pack of cream cheese if you do that. And they will make about 24 balls each. (Keep in mind I like big balls) But between trying to do all 3 I did end up with enough cookies for the party, and some left over mixture that I ended up trowing away because I was so sick of making balls!

If you want to read all about (and see) the party and the other cookies exchanged, please read my amazing friend's blog:

After all the cookie craziness was over it was Sunday night (my favorite TV night!) I missed the Amazing Race because stupid football pushed it back too far and my DVR didn't record it! Who won!?!

But I did get to stay up late and watch my three most favorite shows- Dexter, Homeland, and Spartacus!

I think it was the finale of Spartacus- gods of the arena and I am so freaking excited Gannicus lives! He can come stay with me if he needs a place to stay. So now that I have watched the prequel, I need to watch the first season to get caught up and prepare for Gannicus to return! So excited.

And guess what? today was part of my weekend too. I took a vacation day because if I don't use them I lose them!

This morning I got to sleep in late, try to figure out what to make for the girls this Friday that is yummy but healthy too before we hit the town to look at Christmas lights and hopefully have a few drinks too. I also need to figure out what to make while my family is in town next Friday through Sunday for Christmas! So I researched a lot of recipes on line. Any suggestions out there?

I also went out shopping trying to find gifts for people and I can not find crap. I am totally uninspired. I have no idea. I also worked on my Christmas cards too (I promise to show them to you as soon as I mail them out!)

Oh and I had to take one of my black friday purchases back to the store to be assembled. It wasn't as easy as we though it would be! I may end up having to group all these black Friday purchases into a "What I got for Christmas" post!

Back to the grind tomorrow. Hope you guys are having a fabulous start to the week!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Sunday Snippets is where I share a little bit from what God is teaching me in my life- it could be through life experiences, the Sunday (or in my case Saturday this week) sermon at church, what I've been reading, or what we are studying in my small group.

This week it's a little bit of all the above. We are working our way through first Peter at church and the big thing that stuck out from the sermon this week was how the church is a body of believers and just like the human body, we all have different roles. He used the example that if you have an itch on your right elbow, a message has to be sent to your brain to feel the itch, the brain sends a message to the left hand to scratch the itch and the left hand takes action to relieve the itch on the right elbow.

I have definitely experienced this "body of believers" concept. I was trying to describe to a friend that my small group was like this living, evolving thing that everyone contributes a little something different to. It isn't a group of girls that are all exactly alike, but that is part of what makes it function because we all bring different things to the whole group dynamic.

My faith life would look completely different if I didn't see how God was working in their lives each week and be able to share my journey and get their feedback. I used to think God didn't speak audibly to us anymore and get so jealous of those people in the Old Testament that got the hear God actually speaking to them or those who got to live with Jesus and have Him speak directly to them. But God does speak to you. He speaks to you through other believers who are a part of your life. I have had conversations where it felt like God had taken control of my friends words and was speaking directly to me. And some Sundays I am sitting there at church wondering if the pastor has been spying on me that week because it seems he is speaking directly to me and what is going on in my life.

You need to be a part of a community of others who share your faith so God can use them to speak to you and use you to speak to them.

1 Peter 4:11- "If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and power for ever and ever. Amen."

Sorry for the lack of posts since I announced "I'm back!". Guess it is going to take a while for me to get back into the routine of blogging.

While I was taking my "break from blogging", I thought about a new idea for a regular segment here on the blog. You know I am obsessed with Pinterest. I participated A LOT in "Oh How Pinteresting Wednesdays". But I don't want Pinterest to be just another time suck, I want to actually do things and use the ideas I see on there. So I am going to try to feature something I've actually done, made, and/or bought as a result of something I have pinned on Pinterest. I'm calling it-

Some of this idea was inspired by the new marketing campaign at work. Our whole culture at my work has shifted. I work for Lenovo (we make computers). Our new tag line is "Lenovo- for those who DO". The "DO" culture has taken over. We are all DOers and we make machines for those who DO. It is everywhere you look from the elevators, to the break room, to our TV commercials, to even the stairwells:

I also recently read this quote:

The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do. ~Sarah Ban Breathnach, Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, 1996

I think this new feature will be the perfect chance to take that quote to heart. Pinterest is all about dreams. Things you aspire to, things you want, things you think are beautiful, things you want to make, dreams you have for the future, things that make you laugh, things that are ingeniously useful.

So look for this weekly feature next Wednesday. I'm going to have a little link up on the blog. So pick a pin you love on Pinterest this week and DO something with it. Next week come back here and share what you did!

In the meantime ...

Also one other random peek into my day- Remember how I was obsessed with the Nancy Cooper trial? Well, I am about to become obsessed with another trial Today the trial for the murder of Eve Carson started. Eve was a student at UNC that was shot and killed in the early morning hours on March 5, 2008. She was student body president and apparently a wonderful young lady full of such promise. When she was murdered a few years ago I was very interested in the story because she wasn't that much younger than me and I was just so interested in how and why she was killed. I got obsessed with finding out more about local gangs because there was talk about a gang connection. It is just so sad and so frustrating to have lost such a promising young individual for such stupid reasons. Word to the wise- gangs are stupid. Crimes like this are stupid. I really wonder if these guys realize that and will ever feel the conviction and remorse in their heart for what they did.

I've been listening to the trial in the background while working today and her roommate and best friend was on the stand. The prosecutor asked her what kinds of things her and Eve liked to do together. She started talking about how they liked to do silly things, read similar books, and were obsessed with their flag football team and she started crying. It just made me think how horrible it would be to have something like this happen to your best friend. It is just all so sad.

One guy has already plead guilty and will spend the rest of his life in prison. The guy on trial now was supposedly his accomplice. He was underage at the time so he can not face the death penalty. He is also linked to the murder of a Duke University student. There seems to be a lot of evidence against him so I don't know how he is going to show he is innocent. But I am very interested to see what happens. It is such a sad and infuriating story.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

I'm back from my blogging break! It was a good break. Sometimes you need to stop some of the noise and business in your life to really hear God. I am feeling much better. I've been able to accept what happened and God's forgiveness. And just in case you were wondering I saw on Facebook that the couple involved seems to be doing great, so forgiveness all around! Not to say I'm not nervous for the next time I will see everyone (I've only hung out with my two closest friends from that group since then.) But I am putting it behind me for now and moving on.

During the month of November I stopped to think about all I have to be thankful for. Each day I listed a specific thing I was particularly thankful for that day. Here is my list:

- I went indoor skydiving as a team building activity at work. It was kind of cool...made me want to do the real thing though! I just think someone would have to blind fold me and push me out of the plane!

- I went to the beach for a retreat with my bible study girls. It is amazing how far our group has come and I was so thankful for the bonding time! We have had a lot of new girls in the last few weeks. When I walked in to study on Tuesday it was overwhelming seeing that many girls! I can't decide if it is a good thing or not. I think I'm going to miss the intimacy and safety I felt in a smaller group. If you are in a bible study- how many people are in your group? do you prefer big groups or small?

- I found a favorite new running spot and only have two weeks left on my 10K training plan. It has helped that the weather has been so nice! but this week it turned cold- boo! I guess I will have to start training on the treadmill or bundle up. I think some of my friends and I might go to Charleston and do the Cooper River Bridge Run in March.

- I went Black Friday shopping at Wal-Mart for the first time. I've gone to Target the past two years on Black Friday and let me tell you it is like night and day. Target is all welcoming and organized and gives you maps to help you find the doorbusters you have on your list. Wal-Mart is hostile and disorganized and there were people with entire shopping carts full of waffle makers and such. Seriously what are you going to do with all those $3 waffle makers? I will never go back to Wal-Mart for Black Friday just like i will never go back to the outlet malls on Black Friday after last year's shopping experience. Some things are just not worth it.

ok, I will stop there for now. But I am going to try to catch up on my Bookshelf Blog tomorrow and my list progress. I also can't wait to tell you about some of my Black Friday purchases, Christmas decorations and more!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Thank you all for all your thoughts and prayers and emails of encouragement! It really means a lot to me. Your prayers have been working. I am feeling much better. In fact this whole situation has just made me even that much more thankful for Jesus and what He did for me and much, much more aware of my NEED for it.

I am going to take a break from the blog this month to well, regroup and restore. I'll still be on twitter and pinterest though, so follow me there!

Don't worry, I will be back! I will finish this dang 30 Before 30 list!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

I have been wrecked this week. I burst into tears at random times. I have been battling my thoughts. I have no appetite (apparently bone crushing guilt is the only thing that makes me not want to eat.)

One thing I did not address in self-control September that I now know I need to is alcohol.

I don't drink that much. I might have a few drinks when I go out with friends sometimes, but I don't go out drinking every weekend.

But because of this, I don't have much of a tolerance. And when an event rolls around and I drink like I did in college it is bad news bears.

Once in college I completely lost an entire night. I woke up with scrapes on my feet and stories of how I had made out with some guy named Moose the night before.

And it's all funny and something to laugh at when you are 21 (or maybe 19...shhh) but the thing is it's not.

I didn't tell you guys this but a few months ago I woke up on the floor of my boss's bathroom after we went speed-dating, remembering nothing from the night before. My boss filled me in on some of the details, one of which was that I ended up making out with one of the speed daters (who I ironically never saw or heard from again...until the next time I went speed dating. That's right I had to sit there for 5 minutes making awkward conversation with this guy I had no recollection of making out with. Talk about awkward! I will never go speed dating again).

After that night on the floor of my boss's bathroom, I spent the entire next day throwing up. I was throwing up every 15 minutes until 7 pm when I finally gave in and went to urgent care.

I knew I needed to go to urgent care because this had happened once before a few years ago. (are you detecting a pattern here?) At urgent care they gave me a shot of anti-nasea medicine and 2 bags of IV fluid (I think I had 3 bags the first time this happened!)

Anyway, you think this would have been my wake up call right? I mean who knows what could have happened! I could have been fired!

And I did slow down on the drinking...for a while.

But fast forward to this weekend. I don't remember much from Saturday night. The last thing I remember is watching people play flip cup and talking about tattoos with some friends in the hallway. Everything else is gone. And I don't mean that fuzzy gone. Like it comes back to you once someone starts telling you what happened because TRUST ME I so wish I could know how and why what happened happened.

Sunday morning I woke up on the couch at a friend's house still in my Halloween costume. After a few minutes of chit chat (in which I'm sure my friend concluded I had no idea what happend) she finally dropped the bomb on me.

Apparently I made out with a married guy and his wife walked in on us. And these were not strangers, these were friends!

I had always felt safe indulging in alcohol around my friends because I always thought they would stop me from doing anything bad and they would be able to laugh with me the next day at any crazy antics. And this has always been the case.

Unfortunately it only takes an instant to make a bad decision. One that will hurt a friend, erode any kind of trustworthiness you had, and have everyone (including yourself) wondering how you could do something like that.

Nothing will ever be the same. I feel like I have lost my friends. No one will ever look at me the same way. I will never look at me the same way. I don't even know if I can face any of them again. I can barely face myself everyday.

I am someone who I never thought I'd be. I didn't think I was even capable of something like this. I never wanted to ever hurt anyone like this, let alone someone I actually like.

I even feel guilty for feeling this bad because I wasn't the one hurt in all this. I was the hurter.

I thought "what if that is who I really am?! the truth comes out when you are drunk."

I thought about Josh (Monday is the 14th anniversary of his death) and how he deserved this life so much more than me.

I thought "what if this is preparing my heart for forgiveness because my future husband is going to cheat on me.

I thought what if this is a sign of how undeserving and unprepared I am for a husband and I will never be.

I mean I can not even tell you where my thoughts have taken me through all of this....

It is one of the biggest internal battles I have ever faced.

I want to run to God. I have cried out to Him and asked for forgiveness and I know He forgives me and loves me. But I'm having a really hard time forgiving myself and accepting His forgiveness.

I was afraid to post here because my mom reads this. I asked my friend "what if your daughter grew up and did something like this!?" And she said "I would love her still, always, unconditionally." And I know this is true. Not just for my mom, but also for God. But still the guilt of how I have shocked everyone and let everyone down is crippling.

I am one of those hypocritical Christians that ruins Christianity. I am one of those slutty girls I hate. I am one of those characters everyone hates in books and movies.

But somehow I know God is bigger than this. This can be overcome too.

Someone reminded me of David. It was one of the most shocking stories in the Bible for me when David sleeps with his neighbor, gets her pregnant, and then has her husband killed. How could David do something like that!?! But God still loved him and did great things through his life.

It's going to take time and a lot of prayer. I know a lot of things have been permanently damaged through this, but I will not let it destroy my relationship with God.

And I must learn a lesson from this. I don't think I am an alcoholic, but I obviously have a problem with self-control when it comes to alcohol.

I was so sad at the thought of giving it up completely. I love drinking with my friends and didn't want to lose that (although I probably have anyway). But it is deeper than that too. I've always known the Bible warns against drunkenness, but I always reasoned it away saying Jesus turned water into wine and it's ok to have fun, it is what he would want for us! But it is just another example of me wanting my own way, not His.

Then last night I had to go to a party for work. I got there and saw no one I knew. I felt so awkward. I had these drink tickets in my hand and I kept staring at them. Finally I decided I needed a drink. I got a light beer even though it was full open bar. I have learned liquor is not my friend. I sipped on the beer throughout the night. All my work friends were trying to get more drink tickets and asking me to go downtown with them (including the upper-ups who I hardly ever get to see and this could have been good bonding time!) But I resisted. I told them I couldn't, gave away my extra drink tickets and went home and ran 4 miles (yes, sometimes it helps to literally run from your problems.)

There is so much more to this story and what I have been going through, but I can't share all of it here. I know it is going to take time to work through this and understand completely why it happened. For now I am just taking it day by day and wanted to let you know why it may be quiet on this little blog of mine for a while.

Let there be tears for what you have done.Let there be sorrow and deep grief.Let there be sadness instead of laughter,and gloom instead of joy.Humble yourselves before the Lord,and He will lift you up in honor.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Self-Discipline- the act of disciplining or power to discipline one's own feelings, desires, etc., esp with the intention of improving oneself

Self-Control- the ability to exercise restraint or control over one's feelings, emotions, reactions, etc.

Last month I declared the month "Self Control September". Looking at the definitions above I should have named it Self-Discipline September, but I think they are pretty interchangeable. Of all the fruits of the Spirit, self-control was definitely my weakest. In fact I have even blogged about trying to get better with self-control/self-discipline here, here, and here. And I just remember my pastor JD saying in one of his sermons that you are only as strong as your weakest spirit. So I am continually trying to work on this area of my life.

So what did I do to focus on my self-control in September?

1. I gave up soda (diet and regular) for the month of September. I didn't drink a lot of soda anyway, but I would usually have a diet Mt. Dew, diet Dr. Pepper, or diet Coke just about every day. All those chemicals can't be good for you (even if they are calorie free). I did pretty good. I had a cherry limeade that I think had Sprite in it, but other than that, no sodas. Since the month has ended, I have kind of limited myself to just one mini (7.5 oz) soda/day. I do notice that I get more headaches, but I also feel less bloated when I am not drinking soda. I hope to keep them to a minimum from now on!

2. I had a virtual fitness partner! I don't know what I would have done without Amber this month! Each week we would send each other a summary of how we did the previous week as far as eating and working out. At first I wasn't tracking my calories, but Amber was and she inspired me to get back on the bandwagon with that. I thought I was eating pretty well, but it is different when you are tracking everything you eat! I would often think before eating or skipping a work-out how this would look on my weekly report to her and it kept me from making some bad decisions. I took this week off from counting calories and my 10K training program because I needed a break, but I hope we can continue our weekly reports because they have really helped me stay on track! P.S. Go check out her blog! It is one of my faves!

3. I started a 10K training program similar to the couch 2 5K program. I'm up to week 6 and it is tough. I'm up to over 4 miles/run and try to get all 3 runs in each week. I think this helped me a lot too because I didn't want to get behind on the training program, so I would force myself to run on days even when I didn't want to. I took this week off, but I had my 5K on Saturday and finally came in under 35 min! My previous PR was 36:58 and I ran this one in 34:47! I know it is still so slow, but hey it is an improvement! Maybe one day I will break that 30 min. mark!

4. I've been using this app called "Home Routines" to stay on top of things around the house. I have a morning checklist and an evening checklist and then a weekly checklist. Here they are:

I didn't always mark off everything everyday/every week, but I aimed to get 90% marked off.

5. Re-do budget. I switched jobs this month. I am still doing the same job, but I am a permanent employee instead of a contractor. I used to get paid weekly, now I get paid twice/month. I used to pay for my own health insurance and had no 401K, but now I have benefits through them and a 401K, so I had to re-do my budget. I got my first paycheck this weekend, and I had to adjust my estimates a little (taxes are freaking outrageous!) but now I have my budget nailed down. I am still doing envelope budgeting and I love being able to see where all my money is going. Expect a whole post about budgeting later this week!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I HAD to share this with you today. You all know I am a hopeless romantic (emphasis on the word hopeless). I came across this video on It Must Be (so) Liberating I just discovered her blog recently. She lives in Madrid! (Can I come visit!?) And I am so looking forward to following along with her adventures.

This video is so so good! I hope no one noticed me crying at my desk watching it. It is a little long, but so worth a watch!

Stuff like this renews my hope for some reason. I just know my husband is out there. God has perfect timing and He is probably using this time to mold and shape us to fit perfectly into each others lives.

Dear Future Husband,

I have waited so long for you. But it is good because had I met you any earlier I probably wouldn't have treated you very well or even have wanted you at all (I was pretty selfish in my 20's). Now I can not wait to freaking meet you! I cannot wait to discover our love story! Hope to see you soon!

Monday, October 10, 2011

I have so many things I want to blog about and not nearly enough time. I'm going to try to keep it (somewhat) short and get some of the things swirling around in my head onto one blog without being completely random. Here goes nothing...

Fall Fun
Last Friday my friend W pinged me and we both had no plans so we decided to check out this haunted farm in Cary. (The fact that we were going to Cary was scary enough. Nothing good happens in Cary. I tell ya, that town is just not right.) Anyway, we should have took it as a sign when we pulled up and the parking attendant asked us if we brought an extra pair of panties (um what?) and then asked if we were in college? (no) high school? (no) Ok...moving on...so for $15 we got to go tour the haunted house, take the haunted hay ride, and do the haunted corn maze. The haunted house was ok. The haunted hay ride was kind of fun. But the haunted corn maze was by far the scariest. I think the key was they made us go through in the groups we came with so it was just the 2 of us. For the longest time no one jumped out and scared us. Then all of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I saw some creepy guy walking behind us silently. We screamed and ran and continued to be scared at just about every twist and turn. (including 2 chainsaw chases!) It was fun! I tried to snap some pictures, but my iPhone doesn't have a flash so none of them turned out.

This weekend I'm hoping to get to The Sate Fair (fried oreos, roasted corn and maybe even a krispie kreme burger...pig races, people watching and more!) on Saturday and do the Parade of Homes on Sunday. These are 2 of my favorite fall events! I'll try to get some good pics to share!

I also have to figure out if my homemade Halloween costume is going to work sometime this weekend because the annual Halloween party is early this year- next weekend! My costume is a totally awesome idea in theory, but I don't know if the execution is going to work. I have a back up costume in case. It is cute, but totally un-original, so I am really hoping Plan A works out. If I would have thought about it earlier, I would have been a honey badger for Halloween!

What are you going to be for Halloween?

TV finds

I didn't add a lot to my TV rotation this year because I barely have time to watch TV. But here are two new shows I like:

Ok, so a lot of the story lines in this one are far fetched, but I love Rachael Bilson, I love the South, and I love small town drama. So I heart Hart of Dixie!

I LOVE this show!! There have been only 2 episodes so far, but I am so freaking hooked! The characters are so complex and it it just a great concept- the CIA finds this marine that has been held hostage by terrorists for 8 years. One of the CIA agents has a theory that he has been turned and is now an undercover terrorist. It is so freaking good!!! Seriously if you have Showtime watch this!

Have you seen/do you like these new shows? What are your favorite new shows?

Frustration

I have been so frustrated the last couple days. Frustrated with being single. Frustrated with my never ending to do list at work. Frustrated with having no time for blogging. Frustrated with tracking calories and the crazy amount of calories in anything I eat out. Frustrated with running and running and not getting any better or faster. Frustrated with comparing myself to others. I even got frustrated at church on Sunday (why must they always park me in the freaking muddy field!?! and no mr. pastor I didn't comprehend a word of your sermon because there were three kids sitting behind me whispering and rattling their candy wrappers the entire time.) For some reason I feel like I could just explode with all this built up frustration.

I tried running. I tried eating. I tried sleeping. I tried vegging out and getting sucked in to cheesy Lifetime movies. I tried hanging out with friends. I tried praying. I tried reading. I tried shopping at Target (managed to get out only spending $50!) But nothing seems to be working. How do you get yourself un-frustrated?

I'm going to try to get some blog posts in this week including- marking off #18 on my list- upgrading a room in my house and Self Control September re-cap. Stay tuned!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

This week I actually went to church on Saturday night instead of Sunday. I don't know if the sermon was that good or if I'm just more awake at 6pm than I am at 9am, but I ended up taking two pages of notes!

We finished up our "Gospel" series this week. The theme of this week's sermon was "Assurance of Salvation".

Here are some of my notes:

- There are things you just won't do until you rest your full faith (weight) on God. (He gave this great example of rock climbing vs. repelling. When you are rock climbing you have the rope there to catch you in case you fall, but when you are repelling you have to rest your full weight and trust on that rope.)

-"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." John 14:18

- We are always trying to justify why we aren't that bad.

- If you could get to heaven just by being a good person, why did Jesus have to come and die?

- You aren't supposed to rest on a prayer you prayed, your baptism, first communion, etc. You are suppose to rest on/ be assured by what Jesus did on the cross 2000 years ago.

- He used an example of us sitting in the chairs. Maybe we didn't remember the exact moment we decided that chair was sturdy enough to hold us, but the fact that we are sitting in it now is proof that you trust it. (It isn't one decision point, it is a constant thing you continually do.)

1. There is a testimony to be believed. It is just believing what God said about His son.
(1 John 5:11; 1 John 1:8-10)

2. There is a manifestation of that testimony in our lives.

If Jesus is in you these things will natually start to happen...

- You start to do the same things Jesus did. Your life starts to resemble His.

- God's prescription for everything is faith in the Gospel.

- Don't rest in YOUR fruitfulness, rest in what HE did for you.

It was great because he talked about how a lot of people struggle with this. We question am I really saved? How can I be sure? Did I pray that prayer right? He admitted he had been baptized 4 times and had prayed the "sinner's prayer" thousands of times between the ages of like 13-19.

I can totally relate. I can't pinpoint exactly when it changed for me...when I became sure and put my full faith in Jesus, but I am more sure of my salvation than I am anything in my life. I believe Jesus died on the cross and paid the price for my sins and I thank GOD for it everyday!

Friday, September 30, 2011

1. My
current obsession is
to-do lists and calorie-counting. I
blame it all on self-control september .

2. Vacations with friends
make me happy.

3. My
greatest strength is a
mystery to me. I don’t know what I’m
good at really .

4. Yummy food
is my greatest weakness.

5. My
life is pretty
darn good, but exhausting.

6. In high school I was a cheerleader.
Don’t hate on the cheerleaders.
We weren’t all stuck-up, popular, mean girls .

7. When I'm super tired I somehow still can’t fall
asleep. Something is seriously wrong
with my brain because it just won’t stop .
(Join in on Fill in the Blank Friday and link up over on Lauren's blog)

I hope you all enjoy your weekend! I have no plans except my mom and uncle are stopping by tonight to take me out to dinner on their way to Charleston. Those of you who are going to football games this weekend (especially the ECU vs. UNC game)...I am SUPER jealous! Go Pirates!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

This has not been a very good week. I have been in a FUNK. I'm negative nelly. I'm pessimistic. I'm complaining. I have a short fuse with people. I am frustrated at work. I am frustrated at home. My friends seem like they are miles away (even though I know they aren't). Something is just off.

I was g-chatting with one of my friends yesterday and said "Sometimes don't you just want someone to go home to that will give you a great big hug and tell you everything will be ok?" And by "someone" I meant a boy. No, I'm sorry, a man. I have decided I am so over boys. Maybe. I think I want a man that can still be a boy sometimes. I'm picky. Actually I probably don't even know what I want anymore.

Back to the point. I need a hug. A MAN hug. Not a hug from a friend. Or my dog. Or even my mom. But a big strong man hug and maybe a kiss on the top of my head. Actually I need way more than that, but I would settle for a good hug and a "keep your chin up kiddo".

Y'all if I ever do get married (and at this point I almost can't imagine it ever happening) but if I do. I will remember these days. I will remember when there was no one there to give me a hug and tell me it will all be ok and remembering these days will help me be so much more appreciative and never ever take him for granted.

So yes, even though I am a strong, independent woman, I am waving the white flag and admitting it...I do need a man.

Funny side note- lately when I have found myself in situations where a husband would be helpful I will say out loud "See God this is why I need a husband." Well yesterday I was trying to open a pickle jar. I twisted and turned and banged it on the counter and squeeled and finally sat it down frustrated and said "See God this is why I need a husband". Well wouldn't you know...when I picked it back up and twisted the lid, it popped right off. I guess God heard me.

Another side note- I am going to go ahead and predict that tomorrow is going to SUCK. I am getting ready to switch insurance plans. I am probably going to go with a high deductible plan.so I am on a mission to make sure nothing is wrong with me (medically speaking) before Friday. I went to my regular doctor today for a physical. But I had to make an appointment to come back for the blood work. The only appointment they had before Friday is tomorrow at 1:30 pm. Problem is- you have to fast for at least 8 hours before the blood work.

So I am going to have to get up at 5 am tomorrow (did I mention I have insomnia and am definitely NOT a morning person. AT. ALL.) to eat breakfast. Then I can not eat again until after my appointment. It is going to suck. I am already cranky. I'm getting even more cranky just thinking about it.

Ok, I'm going to stop spewing my negativity all over my blog for now. Hopefully the funk will lift soon! Until then I will try to keep the complaining to a minimum. Hope you all are having a better week than me!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Life has been busy busy. This Self-Control September thing has kept me busy (more on that later).

I did go to church yesterday, but honestly I didn't take any notes. It was on the last spoke of the Gospel centered life "wheel"- Generosity. JD made a point with a question- "which would put more fear in your heart- hearing that God was not pleased with you or hearing that there was no money in your bank account?" Both would freak me out. But he was trying to make a point that people value money and being rich almost more than anything else in their life. I was talking to a friend later and I said yes, maybe from a guy's perspective money is the ultimate "idol" but I think from a woman's perspective being beautiful or skinny is the ultimate idol. That consumes my thoughts, time and energy more than the pursuit of money and I know that is true for a lot of my friends too. What do you think ladies?

After the service they had more baptisms. I had to take something to the office and on the way back to our cars a girl I volunteer with and I stopped to watch. We were talking about how we couldn't believe there were 300 baptisms last weekend and even more today. I said "That's just crazy" and she said "That's God." That stuck with me throughout the day and still today. When something amazing happens from now on well, that's God.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Today is the first day of fall! I've already updated my house with some fall decor:

I love fall! Football, cooler weather, the pretty leaves, and so many yummy pumpkin recipes! Speaking of pumpkin, I know y'all probably love the pumpkin spice latte like I do, but watch out! A grande with skim milk and no whipped cream still has 260 calories! That's almost double the calories from my normal favorite the Skinny Caramel Machiatto!

Yeah well I ordered it from West Elm. I got the smaller 5x7 size. It was not what I expected. The material was really rough and the white was more of a cream. It also had no kind of backing whatsoever and even with a mat, I could see it not staying in place very well in my living room. The pattern was too bold for the way I had my furniture set up (on a diagonal) as well, so back it goes.

I wish I was going to the ECU game tomorrow. I want to be able to use my newest addition to my Pirate collection.