New X-Ray Telescope Discovers Outer Space Is Just
Cheesy Lucasfilm Effect!!
NASA's new X-ray space telescope thingy, named Chandra
after apparently someone named Chandra who was also
apparently named Chandra after someone named Chandra and
so on, has already made a major discovery which could
entirely reshape the scientific disciplines of
astronomy, cosmology, astrophysics, and potsmoking.

According to Chandra, this means that Lucasfilm Ltd must
have already existed millions of years ago in another
galaxy and the light from it is only now reaching us
today.

"If this is true," said Chandra, "it would obviate the
need to even "have" George Lucas, which would allow us
to free up vast tracts of Northern California real
estate, and to clear millions of useless Star
Wars tapes out of homes and video stores worldwide,
thereby making much more room for more copies of
Weekend at Bernie's or Weekend at Bernie's
II or both."

Ultimately scientists hope the new telescope will help
answer the fundamental question of the universe -- is
Lucasfilm just an inevitable product of the Big Bang? Or
is the Big Bang just another meaningless product of Lucasfilm?
Or both?

Internet Invented So Gene For Being Addicted To The
Internet Wouldn't Be Wasted, Internet Inventor Reveals
Internet CEO and inventor, Joe Internet, admitted today
that the only reason he even bothered inventing the
fucking so-called "internet" in the first place was
cause he was looking at the human genome one day and
noticed how the gene for being addicted to the internet
didn't seem to have anything to do, which seemed pretty
stupid to have a whole gene go to waste like that, so he
invented the so-called "internet" -- which today
announced it was shutting its doors tomorrow, on account
of everything really really sucking or something, and
was immediately getting into the exciting new sport of
Championship Bullshitting on either ESPN or ESPN2, or
both.

The Lucasfilm logo is apparent in this Chandra X-ray
telescope image of the so-called Cassiopeia A supernova
remnant. Though previous Gamma Ray photos had revealed
a possible logo at the core of the supernova remnant, it
was originally thought to be either a Disney or RJR
Nabisco logo.

MEDIA Bogus headline writers go on strike leaving millions
of right columns, like this one, without lists of headlines designed to make
you think there's actually something, you know, "happening" out there when, in
reality, it's all just the aftershocks of people trying but failing to pinch
each other so they know they aren't dreaming.