If You Don’t Finger Buttholes, You Suck At Football

People are trying to say ‘sexual assault’ – people that say that have either never played football, have never been in a locker room and seen the weird stuff. I know there’s going to be that one person: ‘Well, I played football and I never did that.’ You either sucked at football, you had no friends in the locker room, or you were the person that went in the bathroom stall to go change because you were scared to shower with the team. We do that stuff just to have fun out there, just to mess with the team. That’s for the media to blow that up. Yes, Christian went – he went about four fingers deep. He went a little too far. But when I’m just messing with somebody, poking them in the belly button or grabbing some’s butt, it’s just to break up the seriousness of the game. The people who are freaking out about that have never played the game, or were just losers who didn’t have any friends when they played the game. It’s annoying. – Ben Boulware, Clemson Linebacker

What an incredible spin zone from Clemson linebacker Ben Boulware. They’re not gay for fingering butts. You’re the one whose gay for thinking that they’re gay. They just do that stuff to have a little fun out there. Break the ice. The stakes are so high, sometimes you need “4 fingers deep” in your asshole to remind yourself, it’s just a game. That’s just guys being guys having fun. If you can’t understand that, then you’re a nerd who is too insecure with their own body and sexuality to shower in front of the boys.

I’ll be honest, I understand where Boulware is coming from and what he was trying to say. As a former athlete (not to brag), I can attest that weird stuff happens between teammates in the locker room. Keywords being teammates and locker room. That kind of stuff should not only stay in the locker room, it should also stay between your teammates.

I don’t think Boulware fully understands just how weird this was. This isn’t just snapping towels in the locker room with your teammates. To quote Billy Madison on the bus after being double doggy dared…”that’s assault brotha.”

I will say this though. It is an incredible way to get in the heads of your opponent. Alabama’s left tackle Cam Robinson told reporters “They better not try me like that, that’s all I got to say.” Clemson has already won the mental battle. If players are worried about protecting their gooch, then they aren’t worrying about what really matters, and that is the game plan.

I have no choice but to take Clemson and the points. ALL IN…your asshole.