Aryananda

Self-harm may be closely related to self-hate. Hating ourself, thinking less of ourself, the feeling of being worthless, unwanted, unlovable and ugly. But it is not neccessary related always. Self harm is not about hating ourself. It is about escaping the pain,the darkness, that threatens to swallow us. The emotional ache that is a zillion times greater than any physical pain. Replacing the darkness luring us in with the white hot pain of bleeding. It's an escape from pain through pain. I was wrong. Self-harm is always connected to self-hate. It's either the reason that prompts us to do it or it's what holds us from going over that edge. First by its presence, the later by its absence.

Self-harm may be closely related to self-hate. Hating ourself, thinking less of ourself, the feeling of being worthless, unwanted, unlovable and ugly. But it is not neccessary related always. Self harm is not about hating ourself. It is about escaping the pain,the darkness, that threatens to swallow us. The emotional ache that is a zillion times greater than any physical pain. Replacing the darkness luring us in with the white hot pain of bleeding. It's an escape from pain through pain. I was wrong. Self-harm is always connected to self-hate. It's either the reason that prompts us to do it or it's what holds us from going over that edge. First by its presence, the later by its absence.

I feel like a child, who is in a room
with lots of chambers,
most of them open for her to play, observe, and explore.
She is thrilled and excited
with her newfound precious and dedicate toy. But, even in the middle of all these excitements, she get curious wondering what's in the chambers that are not open to her.
All she knows about it is that,
it has got darkness but she believes she is strong enough to face it,
maybe that's her naiveness.
And at other times she will feel an unexplainable sadness,
the feeling that she is not good enough for those quarters to be opened for her. On other days,
there are only calmness in her,
patiently exploring the things that are accessible to her...

Isn't it strange how the mind works?
When we are alone, sad and miserable we will try our best and fall in love with our solitude, and build a perfect fantasy world for us to escape to and will become happy or as happy as we can in the chaos. But as soon as life gifts us with the friends and the life that we always craved the emotions that we suppressed in the past will come up to haunt us. It will hit us with the loneliness that we deeply felt before falling in love with it. Raising all the insecurities the past had cultivated deep inside our hearts. Draining our strength and making us vulnerable. But despite all these catastrophic emotions we will try our best to enjoy the love, friendship ...

When you realize that the road you taken was a subconsciously deliberate one to be alone. The choice to be alone in its literal sense than to be alone in the middle of a crowd. That moment of realization can hurt you, swallowing all the strength that you attained in your solitude. Leaving you as an adorable mess.

The mind have forgotten the events, the moments, the people and the actions that made you feel sad, hurt and lonely in the past but the heart is still clinging to the emotions you felt, like it is the only thing left to hold on. And you will be startled by how fast it can make you feel down, sad in a perfectly normal moment maybe hitting you out of nowhere, maybe by a word uttered, or even when we take a look too close at a random emotion. All the feelings of the past can rush in faster than light leaving you in a mess of sadness, tears and loneliness.