Some Hanson fans love the Tulsa trio sooooooooooo muchthat they channel their obsession into their own, um,artistic expression. Instead of merely daydreaming theirfantasies of hanging out with Taylor, going camping withZac or finding a soulmate in Ike, legions of fans arewriting those fantasies into Hanson fan fiction and postingit on the Internet for all to see.

The web is now thoroughly packed with clearinghouses ofthis novice prose. The stories are written mostly by girlsand — yeesh — a few older women, and they cover just whatyou'd expect them to: idolizing a Hanson, meeting a Hansonand eventually smooching a Hanson.

If you ever need justification that young girls harborambitions of becoming the next generation's Harlequinromance novelists, tune in. A good place to start reading,if you dare, is through the stories link at the UltimateHanson Links Page.

Hanson fan fiction has it all — sex, violence, drugs andthe dropping of more brand names than a professionalproduct placement representative could contract in his orher entire career. It offers a glimpse into the lives of asegment of American youth that most miss — or ignore — and itain't always a pretty picture.

They've never been to Tulsa

You wouldn't believe the number of stories that describethe Hanson home with a horizon of snow-capped mountains inthe distance. In the notorious "Tulsa 74132," written byanonymous authors, Juliet and Isaac spend a day in thefictional Metro Parks, described thusly:

It had huge ponds, trails, swamps and educationalbuildings, plus a ton of wildlife took sanction in thepark, making for an always exciting animal spottingadventure. And now they sat on a bench in Buttermilk Falls,just enjoying the view. Buttermilk Falls was one of themost spectacular sights, for it was a trail that led fromone stream of waterfalls to the next. Each bed of water wascrystal clear, showing the hard work the city put intokeeping it a nice area. They have underdevelopedpalates.

In one story ("Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow,") Taylortreats his latest female admirer to dinner at a Tulsaeatery called Ray's Restaurant:

He picked up a menu, scanned it quickly and reclosedit.

"I'll take the dill salmon and a large root beer."

They are ready for the realities of marriage

"Tulsa 74132" includes a scene in which Isaac's new lover,Juliet, pushes him away and retreats into pouting. Isaactenderly inquires as to the source of her distress and ismet with this harrangue: "We never go anywhere. All we do issneak somewhere and make out. Why don't you take meplaces?"

They are incredibly defensive about their work

Rare is the piece of Hanson fiction that does not beginwith a disclaimer warning all naysayers to step back,something like Rachel Munro's statement at the beginning ofher 20-chapter story "Forever Friends": "There is only onerule I put on my story and that is that only true Hansonfans are allowed to read it." So there.

The safe-sex messages are getting through

Every story in which fan-Hanson copulation actuallyoccurs makes explicit mention of using condoms — and notjust rote regurgitation of safe-sex lectures from school.

For instance, in "Near You Always" by Ashley ElizabethFarley, Isaac and a young girl named Emma seal theirundying passion after making sure that all the safe-sexrequirements are met — with Isaac singing all the waythrough it (yegods).

In "Tulsa 74132," a young temptress named Juliet sidestepsthe typical safe-sex reluctance and insists on beingsmart.

You go, girl!

Shakespeare is still required study in Americanclassrooms

"Tulsa 74132" features a protagonist named Juliet in itstale of star-crossed love. Some other story titles: theaforementioned "Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow," "Where for ArtThou, Taylor?" and — really — "Methinks They're SoooooooHot!!!"

Some of them are foul-mouthed little brats

Some Hanson fiction authors use the medium simply tomouth off. Case in point: "Barbie and Her Three Kens" byKitkat, a Dadaist stream of nonsense that turns the Hansonbrothers into offensive little thugs. In Part Two, theyinsult every aspect of another girl's appearance — to herface.

"Toss It Up, Tulsa," by an unidentified author, is loadedwith profanity, vulgar situations and a version of Zac castas a salivating sex fiend. Turn on those parental controlsand wash out these modems with soap.

These online "clips" reproduce a self-selection of my journalism (music etc) during the last 20+ years. It's a lotta stuff, but it only scratches the surface. I do not currently possess the time or resources to digitize the whole body of work. These posts are simply a bunch of pretty great days at the office.