With the threat of US military strikes against Syria looming on the horizon, I interviewed an American foreign policy expert to understand the complex issues involved. Manas Chakravarty writes.

With the threat of US military strikes against Syria looming on the horizon, I interviewed an American foreign policy expert to understand the complex issues involved.

Me: Sir, what exactly is happening in Syria?

Expert: A ruthless dictator called Assad has been killing his own people.

Me: So the US wants to stop the butchering. Splendid.

Expert: No, no, butchering is fine. It’s the gassing we object to.

Me: Eh?

Expert: See, it’s ok if they machine-gunned each other. They could also blow people up, go in for mass rapes, burn folks up by firebombing. I mean, Assad had such a wide range of choices. Why does he have to go and use chemical weapons, especially when Obama warned him not to? It’s simply not done.

Me: Absolutely. Not the gentlemanly thing to do. Like using napalm, I guess.

Expert: No, napalm is perfectly all right. We used tonnes of it in Vietnam. All it does is stick to the skin and burn, apart from releasing huge amounts of carbon monoxide, so people get both suffocated and charred. What you’re thinking of is Agent Orange, which resulted in disabilities for around a million Vietnamese. But that’s no problem, we’ve given Vietnam a few million dollars since.

Me: Maybe Assad should give some cash to the folks he gassed?

Expert: Are you mad? Gassing is a war crime now.

Me: Excellent. Incidentally, who are the democratic heroes fighting against Assad?