A new approach to job security

Moseyin’ Along

May 23, 2012

While the country continues to struggle with high unemployment, I've become convinced folks are looking in the wrong places for work. There is a recession-proof road to job security, and it can be found in the endless field of "studies."

Every newspaper I pick up these days is filled with reports of surveys, research projects, observations and analysis of data dealing with every aspect of human and animal life.

Many of these ventures are carried out by groups of scientists, educators, engineers or organizations with an established basis of believability. Such reports are often released by prestigious universities. The picture indicates an endless source of funding for those interested in performing documented studies into every area of life on our planet.

Apparently, the folks involved seem unaware of the fact that most of these projects arrive at conclusions those of us with even minimal brain functions have drawn long ago. The research projects simply underscore the obvious.

For instance one official study, conducted by none other than the auto industry's stellar AAA, determined that "passengers add to risk of teen driver fatalities."

Anyone who has observed the driving habits of the average teen has realized the more distracted the operator of the auto, the worse he or she will drive. Still, AAA felt it necessary to conduct an in-depth look at teen driving. For those of us out here in the real world, it's no surprise the organization is now able to confirm the risk of a fatal crash is "increased by half when a 16 or 17 year old has one teenage passenger." The AAA report went on to say two teen passengers double the danger, three or more quadruple it.

Another enlightening study recently reported in the media concerned the interaction between dogs and humans. The piece stated that if you "yawn next to your dog, the dog may do the same."

To prove the theory that such "empathy" exists between dogs and man, scientists at the University of Porto in Portugal "recruited 29 dogs, all of whom had lived for at least six months with their owners."

The team, led by a behavioral biologist, "recorded yawning sounds of the dog owners" as well as other sounds. The researchers measured the number of elicited yawns in dogs in response to sounds from known and unknown people.

The conclusion, soon to be published in an official report, was that 12 out of 29 dogs yawned during the experiment.

I found all this information nothing short of amazing. With thousands of engineers, computer experts, welders, boat captains, plumbers, nurses and physical therapists pounding the pavement in search of a paying job, it's reassuring to learn there are large numbers of pseudo-scientists and other "researchers" being well paid to study such obvious concepts as the dangers of distracted teen driving and the yawning patterns of dogs reflecting their owners.

The conclusion I've drawn from reading these informative study reports in the media is this - if you've been looking for work, don't waste your time applying to a company that could use your services. Instead, devise a study of some totally obvious concept and seek out a university or a group of professionals who are hungry for publicity. Propose the idea whose conclusion is so apparent no one would deny it, then wait for the funding to come through.