This is an easy recommendation. American Greatness has become an essential place for me to check for a good political read. I have a feeling my Morning Schmoe and Lycra series will be hearing about Kid Rock pretty soon. I know, I’m shameless. But Scarborough actually singing is pure comedy gold. I’m bound to have Lycra become the new Yoko Ono. Seriously though it wouldn’t hurt Trump to go on tour with Kid Rock as his opener. We could use something more entertaining than Russiagate to listen to. It’s becoming a bore.

Morning Shmoe (MS) – Welcome back from that commercial break and it’s 13 and 1/8th minutes after the quarter hour and we’re here at the newly refurbished set of the Morning Shmoe Show. And Lycra Spandexy and I were just saying how much better it is to be us, young and in love and not old and racist like President Trump.

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – Yes, he’s a creep with small hands and bad hair. He’s not beautiful like me. I am still very, very young and don’t need a facelift and would never get one and besides it’s called a dermatological procedure and everyone gets them because they’re young and not because they need them.

MS – That’s right sweety. But this is not about us. It’s about this very bad man.

LS – Yes, he’s a very bad man. And there was no blood and he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

MS – Okay honey, let’s move on. So, as you all know we’re deeply in love and being together here on the show and also constantly morning, noon and night, all day every day is great. We never tire of each other’s company and we do everything together. Every single blessed thing. …. And it’s great! Really, really, really … great.

LS – Yes, and I tell Shmoe every little thing that pops into my head. Like yesterday when the girl doing my nails told me that I had a cold sore on my lip and I said it was a white-head and she said it was herpes and I told her that my dermatologist told me that you can tell if it’s herpes because you get that tingling feeling ahead of time and then you use the Abreva and then it’s a lot less icky and nobody can notice it under the make-up on the show and I don’t have to go on assignment for a week and that’s really great and I told her that it was a white-head and I knew that because it looked like a white-head and I popped it with a pin and squeezed out the puss and then it hurt but not much and it looks like it will heal without a scab that’s noticeable so I won’t have to go on assignment for a week. And Shmoe was so interested while he sat there listening and drinking that scotch without the water and I asked him if he wanted some water but he just kept filling up that tumbler and I said, “Boy that’s a lot of scotch and he just kept smiling and nodding his head and it was great.”

MS – Yeah that was great. Really, really, really … great.

LS – But Producer Jorge says we have a caller on the line. Hello caller, you’re on the Morning Shmoe Show. What would you like to say?

President Trump (PT) – Hello Lycra, it’s me President Trump. I was told by some of my friends who are forced to watch terrible shows like yours for a living about the nasty things you’ve been saying about me. I figured I’d call up and set the record straight.

MS – Trump, you’ve got a lot of nerve calling us up and invading our safe space. But we’re not scared of you and we won’t be intimidated by your bullying.

PT – I won’t need to bully you, I only want to ask you one question.

MS – What’s that?

PT – Did the network force you to marry her for ratings? Because if not then I don’t get it. I mean to have to listen to that blathering for an hour or two in the morning is doable, but all the time? I mean come on! Don’t you ever feel like just putting a bullet in your head to stop the incessant babble.

LS – Hah, that’s ridiculous. Just because you are a cave-man and don’t value women for their intelligence doesn’t mean all men are that way. Shmoe loves to hear my opinions. Like this morning when we were in the middle of that long commute from Jersey and I started telling Shmoe about what my mother told me the other day about how when I was a little girl and my sister stole my “My Pretty Pony” doll and I told her to give it back and she said it was hers because she said I promised to give it to her if she told me what Marcy said about me to Charlene but I told her that I found out from Debby what Marcy really said and it wasn’t what she told me and my mother said that I really hurt my sister’s feelings and to this day she still wants that doll and she told my mother that my face looks too tight after that dermatological procedure that I didn’t have done and I told Mom that that was mean and I thought that my sister’s butt had gotten really fat and I wasn’t going to give up the doll. And then I asked Shmoe wasn’t he going too fast and why was he swerving toward the guard rail and then he laughed and laughed. And he laughed so hard that a tear was in his eye and then I told him that I was enrolling us in a couple’s yoga class and there was a jazzercise section too.

LS – Oh, Shmoe-meo renounce thy father’s name, for I refuse to become Lycra Spandexy-Browfurrowed. A girl can only endure so much. You’re a modern metrosexual man. Take Spandexy as your last name. Shmoe Spandexy has a kind of alliterative magic to it.

MS – Sure baby, a rose by any other name would blah, blah, blah. Just as long as we tie the knot before Chris Cashews is on the show again. He’s getting that tingle up his leg again and I don’t think either one of us is safe alone with him during commercial breaks.

LS – Wow, that’s grim. Okay I am sold oh Shmoe-meo. I’ll make the announcement on-air and the joyous huzzahs will resound around the set.

MS – Uh, yeah sure. And three, two, one!

LS – And we’re back. During the break, Morning Shmoe agreed to become my husband and equal partner for life.

MS – You said it toots.

LS – And since we’re both delirious with joy, we wanted our audience to be the first to know.

MS – And since this is the network that never stops pushing, we’re going to turn today’s show into a forum devoted to giving us the best advice for our life together. Lycra, who do we have scheduled for the panel?

LS – First up is our very own Snarkful Sadclown. And who better than an androgynous lesbian to help me pick out my wedding dress?

Snarkful Sadclown (SS) – Well, Lycra, if you really intend to degrade your body by becoming a walking biological function and a chattel handmaiden for the patriarchy, the least I can do is make sure you arrive in comfortable loafers and a sensible pantsuit from the Hillary Collection.

LS – But Mommy and Daddy said I’d look like a princess!

SS – This ain’t your Mommy’s network Princess. And I’d recommend a number two buzzcut for the hairstyle. That’s right, this is real, you aren’t dreaming, this your life.

MS – My apologies. Dr., what can I learn from you to make my marriage more fulfilling?

DSH – First of all, Shmoe, be aware that even contemplating yet another marriage between white, heterosexual, cis-gendered people is a crime against all LGBTQ and people of color. You are transgressing against the gorgeous mosaic that is the American life of today. It is vibrant, it is diverse and it will not be flouted by your retrogressive, hate-filled choices.

LS – Yes but we are white, heterosexual, cis-gendered people.

DSH – That’s no excuse. Nowadays, options in transgender hormone therapy and transformative surgery allow any number of alternative body choices. For instance, Shmoe, I envision you as a five foot three inch tall black woman with a penchant for shall we say alimentary amorous pursuits.

DSH – No problem. There’s no pressure whatsoever. Our motto is “If you like your genitalia you can keep your genitalia.”

MS – Somehow, that’s less than totally reassuring.

DSH – And you, Lycra, would be just a stunning creature at 6’ 3’’with a Douglas Fairbanks Jr. mustache and a Heidelberg scar.

LS – But I want to be a princess!

DSH – Fine. We’ll compromise You can be bi-sexual. See I’m willing to meet you half way.

MS – Dr., I hope during the break we can find some common ground on our vision of married life but first let me introduce our next panelist. He’s the greatest living authority on pre-nuptial agreements Tad Litigious. Good morning Counselor, am I pronouncing that correctly?

Tad Litigious (TL) – No, Shmoe, the vee is silent.

MS – But there is no vee.

TL – That’s why it’s silent.

MS – Okay, Tad, what do I need to know about the legal aspects of marriage.

TL – Well, first off Shmoe, you’re gonna need an ironclad pre-nup before you sign up for this rodeo.

MS – Why? Lycra and I are modern people with deep empathy for each other and compatible views on life and social responsibility. I respect her as a strong independent woman and I embrace her life choices both personally and professionally.

TL – Sure you do Poindexter. But listen to Uncle Tad for a minute and I’ll set you straight on a couple of items. So, you two are on the same wavelength and believe in all the same touchy-feely talking points. Super-duper. But let’s look about five years down the road. By then little blondie over there is just a skosh less perky here and there and your network will be replacing her with the twinkie du jure. Now based on what I’ve heard from the two of you, Little Miss Muffet over there isn’t going to go into the baby raising business for you. She’s gonna shop her act around the networks and she’ll end up parked on the Home Shopping Network with the rest of the over the hill bimbos and probably putting down about a pint of gin every a.m. before curtain. My guess is you’re the kind of old boy who’ll find the twinkie du jure sort of interesting and with one thing following another, I’m guessing you’ll be calling me up and handing me a seven-figure retainer to help you switch around Mrs. Browfurroweds. Now, if you don’t have a pre-nup in place, she’ll get 85% of your stuff. If you have one she’ll get 55%. So, it’s your call. I get paid either way.

MS – Well that’s all the time we have, but I just want all our guests to know that we valued their advice and with any luck at all we will have a full and happy life as man and wife. Or as something and something and for some reasonable length of time. But for me and Lycra…

MS – Yes you are Lycra and we wouldn’t have you any other way. It’s actually in your contract. And now here’s the rest of our panel. First up, former disgraced journalist and now shameless democrat shill Mike Carbuncle.

MS – Well gang, let’s get right down to it. Fraudulent and illegal President Trump has just passed the 100-day mark of his fraudulent and illegal presidency.

LS – He’s so not good! If I was allowed to hate people I’d hate him. And I’d hate his wife who is older than me and not young like I am. I’m not old yet you know.

MC – That was very well put Lycra. You are very young. And your platinum blonde hair reminds me of the time I interviewed beautiful Hollywood blonde bombshell Jean Harlow right after she starred with Clark Gable in 1933’s Red Dust.

SS – But you would have been four years old in 1933.

MC – Yes, I was quite precocious.

MS – Getting back on track. We are here to look objectively at the events of the last 100 days and without bias decide exactly where it became a failed presidency.

CC – That won’t be too hard at all. Back when I was working for storied Speaker of the House, Slip O’Peel, we had a saying, “The buck stops here.”

SS – But O’Peel would have only been 13 when Truman was quoted as saying it.

CC – Yes, he was precocious. Anyway, my point is that obviously, Trump’s presidency became a failed one on Inauguration Day when he failed to use his entire speech as a hymn of praise to Barack Hussein Obama, the most gifted and beloved person ever to occupy the Oval Office. Did I ever tell you the time I got this tingle up my leg during one of his speeches?

LS – Yes Shmoe. I think it happened later. I think it happened when he was mean to those reporters on TV. Reporters (and TV people in general) are the best and nicest people in the world. Being mean to them is like really not good. That is when I feel his presidency failed.

MC – Certainly Shmoe. This presidency officially ended when Trump nominated Gorsuch. When Trump told the country that Gorsuch represented the highest standards of judicial competency he overplayed his hand. To quote from my highly popular and respected blog post of that day, I extemporized, “Mr President, you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.” Man was I on fire in that post!

Shmoe Browfurrowed (AKA Morning Shmoe) (MS) – It’s three and a half minutes before the quarter hour and we’re back. Lycra have you heard the latest evidence about how Trump has already eliminated Steve Bannon and is about to replace him with Barney Frank.

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – No Shmoe, tell me all about it.

MS – Well it’s obvious to anyone paying attention. Trump is wearing ties. And as you all know Bannon doesn’t wear a tie. You do the math!

LS – That’s so true! Well now that Barney Frank is the virtual president what wonderful changes do you forsee?

MS – As first order of business, Melania will be eliminated as First Lady, either by divorce or deportation and Caitlyn Jenner installed in that position. Next Ivanka will begin the slow, deliberate process of becoming Ivanko. After that Trump will begin his transition which will culminate in him grabbing herself.

LS – It just writes itself, doesn’t it Shmoe?

MS – Yeah, sort of.

LS – Shmoe, what do you think caused the original loss of trust between Trump and Bannon.

MS – Well Lycra, we may never truly know but we can speculate.

LS – Can we?

MS – Oh, not only can we but we will. We’ve still got several hundred words to add before this post is full.

LS – Post?

MS – Nothing, nothing. Anyway, if you remember during the election it was rumored that Donald Trump had become a werewolf or possibly a loup garou.

LS – Yes, that was definitely a theory that swirled around the press corp.

MS – Well, I recently heard from someone (or possibly from a voice inside my head) that Bannon had become a vampire or some other type of undead.

LS – Well, that would explain a lot of things.

MS – Yes it would Lycra, yes it would. After all, if Underworld has taught us anything it’s that lycanthropes and vampires are always enemies. Also, we haven’t seen Bannon during the day recently. And he is obviously suffering from a skin condition brought on by his vampiric aversion to sunlight.

LS – Of course, why didn’t I realize this before?

MS – Because it’s only obvious after a great mind points it out.

LS – Oh Shmoe, you are wise. But where do we go from here. Now that progressives are firmly in charge of the US executive branch again what is the next order of business?

MS – There are so many Obama initiatives that are languishing and that need a few trillions of taxpayer dollars to really perk up. I would say that a new cabinet level department is the first order of business. The Department of Black Lives Matter is the unofficial name I heard mentioned (by a voice in my head) but the name is secondary. The important thing is eliminating this whole law enforcement and justice concept that has somehow infected our government for too long.

LS – Shmoe, that’s marvelous. And to think, the Trump administration hasn’t even acknowledged Bannon’s departure yet. What are they waiting for?

MS – I would guess it has to do with the cycles of the moon. Lycanthrope/vampire interactions are far from an exact science. My guess is the announcement will occur at the new moon. That’s April 26th to you normals.

LS – Shmoe, isn’t it great to be living in this best of all possible worlds?