A Maniac in a Fartmobile: Reflections on Arnold, January Movies, and Metallica

Look, I know, it’s January. Reviewing a movie released in January is like trying to write a restaurant review about a package of Skittles. January is the Spanx under which movie studios hide their most embarrassing, flabby attempts at profit. You might as well have to sign a terms and conditions agreement on the way in, promising not to expect much or think about the film beyond something to occasionally grunt at while you hork down a paint bucket of cola. But fine, I like dumb things. Pass me the tack hammer and hit me with your finest catchphrase.

Lionsgate did their best to build buzz around The Last Stand like it was a real movie, hiring culty Korean director Kim Jee-woon (The Good, the Bad, the Weird) and sending Arnold Schwarzenegger on a goodwill tour that included a Reddit AMA and tank rides for Los Angeles film writers at a junket-carnival. But nothing Lionsgate can do will paper over the giant flashing light that says “PAYCHECK! PAYCHECK! PAYCHECK!” once the movie begins. The Last Stand plays like a commercial for a videogame meets a commercial for a car meets a trailer for “Arnold Schwarzenegger: Movie Star.” It’s both too dumb and not dumb enough.

Ok, wait. This totally explains everything. I didn’t realize Vince was from/writing for Portlandia. This puts a whole new and completely hilarious context around his opinions of everything (especially his affinity for Wes Anderson and Tarantino). I will now read all his posts in Fred Armisen’s Portlandia character’s voice, and gladly accept the fact that it’s not really his fault that he’s stuck in a time capsule from the 90’s, the decade of hipstery suck.

I didn’t expect much in the way of deepness and thinking and I could ignore the plot holes and that’s ok because violence. It seemed from the trailer for other movies this year it might be the year of the plotless dumb actioner

I dunno. This doesn’t look very St. Anger-ish. St. Anger wasn’t a schlocky return to days past with all kinds of hackneyed, overused stunts and sight gags and references to Ahnold better days long past. St. Anger was more like Seven Psychopaths. It tried really, really hard to be something different, and extreme in it’s subtextual referencing, but in the end it was just simply tedious and mediocre and I fell asleep halfway through it.

This movie feels more like Death Magnetic. There’s little elements in there that harken back to the good old days, but overall it’s just cheesily done and poorly produced. (shame on you Rick Rubin, that thing sounded like crap because it was compression brickwalled so back it was all peaks.) This is Ahnold’s Bad Boys II. Completely unnecessary.

Touché, I’ll defer to your superior grasp of Metallica’s oeuvre. The writing process of this movie definitely felt like the writing process of St. Anger though. Quick! Rehash a bunch of old shit! Okay, that bit sounds decent!

Can I ask for an opinion this way? Does Arnold get to dominate shitbags with automatic weapons and one liners? If the answer to this is even closely, “Yes.” or “Yes, but…”, I cannot absolutely dislike this movie.

Not sure how you get this. On RT Top Critics it’s running at 44%, and even the “good” reviews basically agree with Vince, except they say it’s ok because they didn’t expect any better, which is also basically what Vince said at the start.

So let me get this straight, you read a whole review of mine for a movie you haven’t seen and you’re disagreeing based on things you’ve heard other critics say? Thanks for your input, this was very constructive.

At least it wasn’t Arnold’s LuLu. By the way, they recombined the Metal & Hard Rock categories at last year’s Grammy Awards. I look forward to Lars explaining how Foo Fighters (Jethro Foo) aren’t a metal band for the next 25 years.

The movie guys aren’t trying to call each other faggots, its like there’s always been a kind of in-joke thing about how Vegans and Vegetarians are less manly because the idea of being manly for so many years, shit since the Cave Days, were to kill animals and eat them, and come home and beat up Communists, and then bang Alexis Texas while eating Beef Jerky. I don’t really think when someone says shit about vegetarians being bitches, they don’t really mean everyone who’s a vegetarian isn’t manly, its just that since the early 90s Vegetarians have been portrayed as to be all evil people who force their opinion on other people. Look at thing like the Guiltless Grill or any of the Vegetarians are better people blogs online.

I mean, I’m obviously looking way too much into this and I’m probably going to get blasted for saying some of this because Brandon Stroud is the fucking moderator or whatever, but when someone’s saying something about Vegetarians its not meant to really be insulting in that way, and I don’t think its completely fair to say its the same thing as saying faggot.

07.01.13 at 8:35 am

Vince Mancini

IE, they’re using “vegetarian” as a way to call the other guy less manly. Thus is it really that much different than calling each other faggot on the playground? Close enough for me. It’s like, “hey, let’s be EXTRA dumb.”