So many who grew up in happy homes tell those of us who didn’t that we can’t blame our abusive parents forever. We have to take responsibility for ourselves one of these days!

While this sounds good, I have an issue with it.

Parents are responsible for raising their children. Some do a wonderful job, putting a great deal of time & effort into making sure their children grow up happy, healthy & loved. Other parents aren’t so good. They tear down their child rather than build her up. They expect their child to take care of them, rather than taking care of her as God intended. They are so self-absorbed that they have no time or energy to devote to their child. Some may not even meet the child’s basic needs such as food, clothing or shelter. Others may use their child to meet their needs, & take their anger out on the child or sexually abuse her. When parents behave in such ways, that child will grow up scarred, either physically or emotionally or both.

Abused children grow up with problems. Some have lifelong injuries because of the physical or sexual abuse they survived at the hand of their parents. Some have addictions due to their desire to escape the pain inside caused by their upbringing. And often, many have PTSD or C-PTSD.

How can you not blame your abusive parent as long as you have such problems because of that abusive parent, especially when those problems interfere with your daily life even years later?!

I firmly believe that the abusive parent deserves 100% of the blame for the problems that he or she caused. No one can do anything to deserve being abused! Abusing is the responsibility of the abuser, never the victim.

That being said, the victim does have some responsibility.

It is the victim’s responsibility to heal as best she can from the abuse she endured. It is up to the victim to seek help, to research or do whatever she needs to heal. While some problems may be lifelong such as PTSD or C-PTSD, she certainly can learn ways to manage her symptoms.

It is also the victim’s responsibility to be sure that she doesn’t repeat the familiar patterns of abuse. Sometimes those who were abused as children become abusers. I don’t understand how this works exactly, but it is a pretty common phenomenon. It is up to the victim not to allow this to happen!

It is up to the victim to learn & grow as a person, rather than stay the stifled person she was raised to be. It is her responsibility to become the person God wants her to be, even when it clashes with what her abusive parents wanted her to become.

It is also the victim’s responsibility to forgive her abuser. Mark 11:25 says, “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” (ESV) I know it is hard to forgive others, especially when they deliberately hurt you. I know they don’t deserve your forgiveness. However, I also know that you deserve better than to carry around bitterness & anger inside of you! Don’t get me wrong- I don’t mean you need to forgive & forget. That only sets you up for further abuse. I am saying that you can, in time & with God’s help, release the anger you feel inside. You will be so much happier for it! Your health will benefit too, as repressed anger can create a myriad of physical & emotional health problems such as high blood pressure, depression, anxiety, heart problems, kidney problems & more.

Lastly, I believe it is also the victim’s responsibility to educate others & help to raise awareness. For example, many people have heard the term narcissistic abuse, but do they really know what it means? Probably not, so why not start a blog on the topic? Write about your experiences or what you are learning as you heal. If you wish, do so using a false name. Writing the truth using your real name can be a scary prospect since you wonder if the abuser will learn about your writing. I know- it honestly makes me very anxious sometimes that my parents will learn what I write about (as it is, they don’t have a computer, but they do have flying monkey relatives who do). If you don’t feel confident in writing a blog, then what about checking into laws on the kind of abuse you endured? Do you see where the laws need changing? Then look into changing those laws! Start petitions or create a website on the topic. There are plenty of ways you can make your painful experiences count for something!

23 responses to ““You Can’t Blame Her Forever!””

When I first cut off contact with my narcissistic mother my brother urged me to forget about our painful childhood. How I wish that I could! Unfortunately, for me, that pain has never stopped because her abuse has never stopped. Also, the PTSD didn’t just vanish the day that I went no contact. How then can I take seriously any urging to simply stop blaming my abuser for my pain? I do forgive her in that I have taken no steps to hurt her as she has hurt me. In fact, I have shielded her from the pain she’d feel if I told what I know about her publicly. But none of my siblings and other family members have voiced a shred of concern for me or asked what my mother did that could have resulted in my taking such a drastic step. Most of them have simply remained silent and those who did contact me were 100% in agreement that I am the one who is in the wrong. So on what basis could I even begin to consider that I should simply forget about the abuse and move on?

It makes absolutely no sense, does it? Unfortunately I think your situation is pretty typical though. The victims are usually told they are unreasonable, unforgiving, need to forget about what happened, etc. & no one seems to care when a victim has PTSD either. As if it’s no big deal.

It’s completely backwards, isn’t it? Narcissists are protected & their victims are re-victimized by ignorant people who blindly believe the narcissist. Simply amazing!

Thanks, Cynthia, for your kind words. I find it so ironic and so wrong that a complete stranger would have more compassion for a victim than the people who are closest to him/her. I am working my way through this with Gods help and with the love and support of the many others who are experiencing the same pain. As I’ve said before I am paying a high price for my freedom, but it’s a price I’m willing to pay.

Isn’t that strange? I think it’s kinda like Jesus said, although offhand I can’t remember where for the life of me, “A prophet is not without honor, except in his hometown.” It’s much the same for us- strangers empathize, tell us we’re strong & brave or other encouraging things. It’s those closer to us who blame us, have no compassion, invalidate, etc. Even Jesus experienced something similar.

It is a high price but definitely worth paying to have freedom. God will help you get through it all.

I broke ties with my narcissistic sociopathic wife and survived. I did write a book, have a Facebook page and started a blog. I am following you now and would love for you to follow back. I have a feeling your blog can help me. I too suffer from CPTSD and am trying to get my two kids out of her grasp-they too suffer-golden and scapegoat children. Thanks. If you’re curious, my book called Surviving Sara can be found on Amazon.com

So true! You have to find knowledge wherever you can on the topic. Interestingly, it seems like there is no end what can be learned aout it, Seems like something new shows up to learn all the time. It’s a really complex topic.

I have a facebook group, too, by the way. You can learn a lot there. You’re welcome to join if you’d like to!

It’s called Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug. If you opt to join, please know you can talk as much or as little as you like. Some members are very chatty, but many are also very quiet. I monitor it carefully to make sure there’s no strife or cattiness that some similar groups have. Plus, I make sure we talk about other, non NPD things to help balance it out. I’m sure you know, too much focus on NPD is just depressing. Breaks are necessary. So, it’s turned into a nice social place, not only educational. I’m proud of it. 🙂

Let me think on it… It sounds like something I would be interested in, but I have to make sure that it is going to work for me, I’m dealing with C PTSD and I just want to make sure that I keep the possibility of triggers is at a minimum. I will consider it. Thanks!

My mother is a narcissistic sociopath, and so is my older brother. We were taken away from her but he made my life a living hell until my husband came along and put a stop to it. I recently told my family everything he did to me growing up, and some of them respond by saying “Oh, but he had a really hard time growing up.” So did I! Worse than him because he was adding to it, and instead of taking it out on my younger siblings I protected them! They think I must have had it easier because I’m managing to hold my life together instead of being a violent psyco like he is, but I work hard to not go off the rails. Really, really hard! Sorry, all of this blame/excuses stuff always pisses me off… People make excuses and feel sorry for people who are obviously screwed up. But if you have the determination to try your damned hardest every day, you get overlooked and even judged because you look ‘normal’ enough they just think you’re whiny or something. Sorry, your post is really good. I just get so angry at how I’m treated by people who have no idea how much effort I put into not being an alcoholic and giving up on life. I get comments like “get your shit together” or “but so and so had it so rough” or “why don’t you have a job?” Sorry for ranting at you, really…

No apologies necessary! I’m so sorry you go through this. It’s absolutely maddening! I get mad at it too, which is usually when I post on this topic- helps me rant & hopefully helps others. It’s really not fair how people treat the victims so poorly while protecting abusers & making excuses for them. It makes no sense at all. Sending you hugs, & please know you’re not alone!

I think that at least part of the problem is the modern tendency to find excuses for just about anything we encounter in life. A hundred years ago if you committed a crime no one talked about how hard you had it growing up or the psychological condition that led to your murderous rampage. You were judged for your actions and that was it. Evil acts were punished, not excused. Today we have been conditioned to believe that people aren’t responsible for bad acts if they had painful childhoods or abusive marriages (my mothers excuse for her narcissistic abuse) or encountered some other traumatic event. But unless a person has had a psychotic break and is not in touch with reality and is therefore unable to distinguish between right and wrong they are responsible for their actions. Abuse is a choice made by each abuser and their victim is under no obligation to get over it, move on with their life, forgive and forget, etc. Victims are entitled to their anger and to recover in any way that works for them. They are not obligated to deal with their abuser the way that other people say they should or to recover on someone elses timeline. We survivors need to shut out anyone who won’t stand with us against our abusers. In the final estimate what these excuse makers do is to perpetuate what our abuser started.

When I think about how to heal it’s forgiving oneself that’s more important than forgiving the predator that hurt me. My wounds last a lifetime and people mock me because of the PTSD, anxiety and social isolation I live with. Narcissism doesn’t stop with reptilian parents who wanted personal servants and an extra income; it marked us for life as unfortunate. Forgive your inner child for crying, this is the one who deserves to be spontaneous, protected, curious, nourished and nurtured.

Bravo! That you create a space where we can condemn our terrorists. It’s not necessary to forgive a rapist; but, they will go on living without the wounds they pile on others and we deserve that too! The difference is this person raped your sibling too and then they created a god in their image. You’re best hope is survivor’s guilt. Get away!

Stockholm’s syndrome is learning to love the person who imprisoned you. It is the opposite of what you need to do, because the narcissist is a cult that included every person they know. You are a nothing in their cult. You need to escape and most of all you need to love yourself.

I love myself with all my wounds and pay close attention to what I feel responsible for and what helps me grow. My god is radiant life and dreams of a world without narcissists. Let God heal the narcissist since I cannot.

That’s such a good point about forgiving yourself. Self blame is something so many of us live with after narcissistic abuse, & society seems to perpetrate it. It’s so important to forgive yourself for being wounded & making mistakes stemming from dysfunctional thinking. Those are normal after narcissistic abuse!

You make many good points.. thank you so much for sharing, God bless you!

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