Shia LeBouf couldn't keep his "He Will Not Divide Us" site safe in the US. So to keep the right-wing "haters" that he was always attacking away, he moved it to a museum in Liverpool, England. Where it lasted less than 24 hours before a masked person removed it and the live webcast was taken down by either Shia or the museum.

Apparently no place is safe. He couldn't even leave it with like-minded ISIS to keep it safe since they may be bombed into SeventyTwoVirginLand any day now.

But I had a thought. Maybe he could hide it with his movie career. Nobody has seen that for quite awhile.

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The Secret Service has just released the identity of the most recent White House intruder.

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Sheesh! Go to the animal shelter for a dog, and you're a saint. But go to the woman's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their minds!

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I failed my biology exam yesterday. I was asked to name a parasite currently residing in the United States.

Apparently "Muslims" wasn't the answer.

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A Mosquito landed on my wife's face...

Easiest decision of my life.

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My wife was bleeding and the first aid book said to apply pressure. So I told her if she didn't stop bleeding right away she'd die.

Didn't work.

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Whatever happened to all the old cartoon characters?

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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

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Where do epileptic children go to eat?

Little Seizures.

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A man went into a library and asked the librarian for a book on suicide.

She looked at him for several seconds, then asked, "Who's going to return it?"

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When you lick the icing off of a cupcake, it becomes a muffin.

Muffins are healthy.

You're welcome.

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I installed an ad blocker in my browser.

The ads stopped, but something must be wrong with it. All of the local ladies that wanted to hook up with me have disappeared, too.

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I never realized there was so much overlap.

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I saw two guys wearing matching clothing. I asked them if they were gay.

They arrested me.

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Just because nobody complains, that doesn't mean the parachutes are perfect.

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I was just walking into the back yard at the neighbor's house. Evidently he didn't know I was there, and he was just starting to tell his 15-year-old son a secret he'd been keeping.

"Son, it's about time I told you an important thing I've held back from you for years. You're adopted."