Month: August 2007

What is the deal with Hello Kitty and masturbation? Apparently the same Hello Kitty that makes me want to continuously vomit brings sexual excitement to far too many people – that is the only explanation to the popularity of the Hello Kitty vibrator and the Hello Kitty S&M Love Hotel Room. This goes to a whole new Hello Kitty Hellish level when just the sight of Hello Kitty is enough to bring this sexual pleasure:

I must admit that I don’t understand a good 99% of what makes Hello Kitty fanatics function, but I can safely say that I completely (as in 100%) don’t understand those that have a Hello Kitty sexual fetish. There is something so completely wrong with that idea that is sends shivers up my spine every time I even have to consider it.

I know that all but the most hardened Hello Kitty fanatics are sitting in front of their computers (hopefully not a Hello Kitty computer) staring at the above confession and thinking WTF?!? (if you are even in the slightest bit considering a way to answer why some people might have a Hello Kitty sexual fetish, don’t. You are already over the edge of Hello Kitty fanaticism and any explanation will only provide all of us with worse nightmares tonight).

Yes, I considered this a sign that the world might be ending soon, but realized that that would relieve me from my Hello Kitty Hell suffering which would be much too easy — so not only is it not a sign of the apocalypse, it’s something that some people consider normal. And so another week in Hello Kitty Hell shows that things can continuously get worse than I thought possible the previous week…

As mentioned previously, Hello Kitty has a problem with other pop culture and invariably tries to make it her own. She has obviously reached the point where all the superheroes have taken too much of the limelight away from her and instead of morphing the superheros into Hello Kitty, she has gone out and created her own Hello Kitty superhero:

This, of course, begs the question of what superpowers Hello Kitty possesses (this is something that I would really rather not know since it will undoubtedly be something that will make my Hello kitty Hell life worse). My wife thinks that she carries “barbells of love” because “Hello Kitty love will conquer all evil in the world” and a “heart belt of sweetness.” I have no doubt this is true because any enemy would rather end their life right then and there than have to witness either of those two powers in action. Then again, 99% of the world’s population (those that aren’t Hello Kitty fanatics) would also do the same…

I should have learned by now to keep my mouth shut about what I’m thinking about getting something, because no matter how unlikely it would seem that they would make it in Hello Kitty style, they undoubtedly will and my wife will get it for me. Like Hello Kitty darts:

Every once in awhile, as a temporary escape of my Hello Kitty Hell, I will venture down to a local bar and let the cold beer numb my senses so I can make it through another Hello Kitty Hell day. This particular bar has a couple of dart boards and I mentioned in passing last week that I might get myself a set of darts because the ones at the bar get ruined pretty quickly. It was more a “thinking out loud comment” than a statement of any kind and I didn’t even remember making it until today when 3 Hello Kitty dart set styles came to our door.

wife: “Yes, aren’t they wonderful? Now when you play, Hello Kitty will be on your side so you will always have the power to win. They each have a deck of Hello Kitty cards that match so you can use those when you play poker, too.”

me: “…” (thinking: how the hell am I going to explain having Hello Kitty darts to the guys at the bar and Hello Kitty cards for poker night?)

me: “Oh, yes…umm, yes…they are great” (thinking: just throw the darts at my face as hard as you can from point blank range and use the edges of the cards to slit my wrists – it would be less painful than showing up with them at the bar)

wife: “Then why are you so quiet?” (the Hello Kitty disapproval tone reaching “you’re going to be on the couch with the Hello Kitty sleeping bag” levels)

me: “No, no, no. I’m not quiet. I was just thinking that all the other guys are going to be really jealous and I don’t want them to envy me so much.” (thinking: damn, was that a top notch recovery, or what?)

wife: “If they are that envious, I’ll tell them where they can get their own. Then you can all have Hello Kitty darts and poker cards…”

So while I’m not on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag tonight, I’m dreading the next time I go out and have to take the Hello Kitty darts and Hello Kitty cards with me. It’s hard to put forth an aura of manliness when you have Hello Kitty darts in your hand or when dealing a hand of poker with Hello Kitty cards. The only positive I can see is that the other guys will probably be laughing so hard that they won’t be able to play either and I’ll win by default. Somehow that isn’t a big consolation prize for the Hello Kitty Hell ribbing I’m going to have to take…

The Hello Kitty armband of shame made it onto the Japanese news. Apparently they used the red and white checkered armband shown in previous months, but that armband proved to have the opposite effect and was popular among the police, thus they decided to switch to Hello Kitty to try and shame them…

As would be expected, my wife wants one of these for her Hello Kitty collection. Hopefully there is no police officer married to a Hello Kitty fanatic or he may be forced to get into trouble on a daily basis…

This is why Hello Kitty brings hell to the spouses of Hello Kitty fanatics. It’s bad enough that my wife “had to have” the Hello Kitty Gold business card. The problem is once you have the outrageously expensive business card, where do you keep it? In an outrageously expensive Hello Kitty business card holder, of course:

This business card holder is made of 24 karat gold and covered with Swarovski crystal beads and costs a mere $225 (27,300 yen). My wife thinks it’s stylish and cute and makes the perfect fit for the gold Hello Kitty business card.

This is where Hello Kitty excels – not only does she come up with completely useless things that she knows Hello Kitty fanatics will have to have, once she does, she comes up with accessories for the completely useless things. I have no doubt that she will also develop useless accessories for the useless accessories of the useless items (perhaps a gold threaded business card holder bag so that the Swarovski crystals don’t get damaged?). Then of course there will need to be a useless accessory for the useless accessory for the useless accessory of the useless item and so on…

I have no doubt that there is a reason that this Hello Kitty business card holder comes with crossed bones behind is it foreshadows my Hello Kitty Hell future. If you pick any Hello Kitty item, you can create a spider web of useless accessories linking them all together and I’m that struggling insect trapped in the web fighting to break free as Hello Kitty comes forth ready to sink her fangs into me and insert just enough venom to paralyze me, yet keep me alive so she can slowly suck the life out of me over a long period of time…that my friends, is a glimpse of what Hello Kitty Hell feels like…

Not satisfied to simply take over mainstream religion, Hello Kitty also has delved into the alternatives such as these tarot cards:

It doesn’t surprise me in the least bit that Hello Kitty believes that she can predict your future (and I’m sure she knows the Hellish future that she has in store for me…and I can only imagine that this makes her silently giggle – since she doesn’t have a mouth – with great pleasure). I also have no doubt that the death card would show up time and again in any reading I had…

Of course, my wife see this as yet another positive that Hello Kitty has brought to the world: “If people would let Hello Kitty’s love inside by using these cards, their future would be so much brighter and filled with love.”

The Hello Kitty high priestess has undoubtedly blessed upon me yet another day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by many readers all of which should have to listen to the future predictions of Hello Kitty and live with them for having enough time to find these. You can see the entire set at samiam010203’s flickr photo set

Apparently the police in Thailand have come up with the perfect way to keep their police officers in line – threaten to make them wear a pink Hello Kitty armbands to discipline them for such things as being late for work, parking in prohibited areas, fighting, failing to report for duty and giving poor service:

This is apparently not a joke and is intended to shame police officers into doing a better job and from repeating offences. The department has 10 armbands available that will begin being used this week. Just to make things a bit worse, first-time offenders must accompany the officer rostered as deputy chief of the day which means wearing the armband to all the major offices within the Crime Suppression Division.

Living in Hello Kitty Hell and knowing what it feels like to walk around with Hello Kitty, I have a feeling that this project will either be a great success or the Thai government will be overthrown in protest – with the edge going toward a complete government overthrow.

Of course, my wife doesn’t see it quite the same way. “If all police officers wore Hello Kitty armbands, the public would love and respect them a lot more. The Hello Kitty armband should be a part of every police uniform…”

It seems that I won’t be the only person living in Hello Kitty Hell this week…

Only Hello Kitty can do something like this and actually convince Hello Kitty fanatics (like my wife) that they are spending their money wisely while helping the environment. My wife, knowing that I prefer to be eco friendly when possible, decided that I could not object to the Hello Kitty Eco Bag:

Now my impression of an eco-bag is something big enough to carry a sack full of groceries that you would use instead of plastic or paper. If it’s made out of recycled or renewable material, all the better. Sanrio, however, has a different take on what an “eco-bag” represents.

In Hello Kitty’s world, you take some recycled material, mold it into a purse, slap Hello Kitty’s face and 2000 Swarovski crystal beads on it and it magically becomes the “Hello Kitty Eco Bag” for the cost of a mere $875 (105,000 yen).

While it doesn’t really surprise me that this would be Sanrio’s version of Hello Kitty and being eco friendly at the same time (come on, eco friendly is a “hot” marketing area right now and when have you ever known Hello Kitty to try not to invade any hot marketing area?), I would think their attempt would be a bit less commercially obvious…until I realized they were marketing to Hello Kitty fanatics

While any normal person would see right through this lame attempt by Hello Kitty to be part of the eco friendly crowd, Hello Kitty fanatics actually believe this crap. wife: “It is great that Hello Kitty is embracing the environment and helping to save the earth. It goes to show all the love that Hello Kitty has for everything. I think I will get one to show my support for this great cause.”

And with that I reached one of those no win Hello Kitty Hell choices: Do I try to explain that Hello Kitty doesn’t give a crap about being eco friendly and end up on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag or do I keep my mouth shut with a smile on my faced and glazed eyes like a deer on the side of the road about to be slammed into by a 18 wheel truck? I should know better by now on which is the correct choice in this situation having spent this much time in Hello Kitty Hell and I would give you the details how I failed to choose that correct path, but it’ll have to wait until later as I’ve been sent to the closet to retrieve my bedding for the night…