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I Love You, AND You Aren’t My Responsibility

The biggest lesson I’ve learned recently is that I can love you, all of you reading Holy Sit, AND you aren’t my responsibility! Hallelujah!Suffering an extreme case of writers block led to this seemingly obvious realization. Scratch that, it’s actually been publisher’s block. I’ve actually been writing frequently but I haven’t completed segments to publish. My stalling sounded like, “Well, maybe I need to fully outline the book.”(I already had a perfectly workable outline.) Next thought, “I should get a writing buddy." So I got one. Then, “Perhaps an accountability coach would help.” Now I have two. Nothing was pushing me over the slump to post a new blog. Just as I got to the root cause of the cancer diagnosis, I realized I had to get to the root cause of my resistance. I finally uncovered three reasons for the Holy Sit stand still.REASON #1: I DON’T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU OR YOUR HEALTH!Many of you I haven’t met yet. (Pause for a quick shout out to all of my John F. Kennedy High School friends and of course Mom and Dad’s friends!) I know I have medical disclaimers all over my site and add more with each new post. In spite of them I still have a deep fear in the pit of my stomach that some of you will literally try to copy my exact protocol as your own path to healing. The formula could look like this: Emily got diagnosed with cancer: detoxified her body, found a good doctor, took a bunch of supplements, experienced divine intervention and POOF, she was able to heal in four months. Therefore, do what Emily did and heal thyself from cancer. I was scared of copycat logic. My counter logic: the more of my story published, the more of the formula you’d have. Then, what if you, or your spouse or your Father, Mother, sister, brother or lover followed the exact formula and didn’t heal from cancer? What a HUGE and scary burden that would be! Therefore, don’t publish another word. Zip it up and seal the story! Which is what happened for a while. Accompanying the publishing embargo, my back, shoulders, neck, spine and skull got so tense, that I actually couldn’t write much without pain. It was like my reptilian brain had taken over again to defend her territory and she was content not to share or evolve beyond this ego-based illusion about being responsible for others. I went to my friend, “Bear”, for some much-needed bodywork. He’s got great paws and as you’ll see, great intuition! While working on my neck and upper back, out of nowhere he said,“You know, there’s a big difference between being responsive and being responsible.” When he uttered those words, my shoulders dropped 6 inches. I took several deep, relieving breaths. Trickles of water leaked from my eyes.I have felt responsible since I was seven years old and not for anything in particular. In grade school I felt responsible for the underdog getting bullied at recess, and the unpopular kid who wet himself one time in first grade and was forever shunned by the cool kids. I joined the debate team with those unpopular kids. I got physical with those bullies, even at St. Philomena under the watchful eye of Sister Rosemary. As I got older, responsibility for the projects I took on was compulsive, hence my frequent referrals to my workaholism. If the product, campaign or building wasn’t successful, it felt like it was on my shoulders. So, you bet I felt responsible about the words I used and how they might influence people, especially people dealing with cancer. I was clearly at a choice point. I could stop writing and withhold completely. I could share my experiences and continually feel the self-inflicted weight of the world on my shoulders (which causes stress, weakens the immune system and creates illness). Or, I could evolve beyond my ego and old reptilian limitations and remember that I can care about you, but I am responsible for me, and you are responsible for you. (By the way, this works well in most adult relationships.) I now realize that I can share my full story with you. But after the ink dries on the computer screen, it’s completely up to you what you do with it. With this new-found freedom, I realize I can be responsive to your questions but not responsible for your (hopefully, well-informed) choices. In addition to over-responsibility, there are two somewhat smaller, but equally significant reasons for Holy Sit’s delay.REASON#2: WHEN I WRITE ABOUT MY JOURNEY, I RE-LIVE IT.It was really hard going through cancer the first time and to be honest, I don’t enjoy the replay. I cry almost every time I sit down to write. It’s true; ask my writing buddy and the baristas holding the tissues. Painful right? Well, so is cancer. I’m willing to revisit the hurt because it’s cathartic for me. More importantly, it might help someone who’s going through cancer to have hope and additional tools on their empowered path of healing.REASON #3: WHEN YOU READ THE JESUS CHAPTER, YOU’RE GOING TO THINK I’M NUTS!Seriously, this is a fear I’ve had since I launched Holy Sit. When I bring in the big-guns (i.e. famous saints and arc-angels), I’m afraid you are going to write me off as another tie dyed, patchouli- scented, pothead in Northern California who swims naked in public places. Well, ONE of those statements is true and eventually, you’ll figure out which one. Honestly, being this open and vulnerable to public censure isn’t likely listed on anyone’s top 10 favorites list. So I’m sure you can empathize. So, in summary, I love you, but I’m not responsible for healing you! Are you ready for the Jesus story? Well, it's coming, right after this next chapter about wheat grass! Make good choices!Emily Hine

Note: This Holy Sit blog is one in a series of blog posts that tell the story
of my journey healing from cancer without surgery, radiation or
chemotherapy. It's also about spiritual awakening and finding inner peace in a chaotic world. If you want
to read the full story, check out the chapter titles on the Holy Sit home page & start with this one. Cheers to your health!