Granted I'm not yet 19 weeks but I have heard that starting at 19 weeks you can start to hear the baby through a stethoscope. So last night after working until Midnight at the department store, (And yes what are people doing shopping until 12:15am?), I came home to test out my stethoscope. I tried and tried to catch a faint heartbeat but instead all I did was catch heck for making him move from his comfortable spot. I pressed and poked and no heartbeat just yet but that didn't worry me. Then I tried to roll over and go to sleep, OUCH! Someone had shifted and suddenly I had extremely painful round ligament pains on my right side. OWIE! I think that was his way of saying, "You know I'm in here so quit poking me!". So I owe the kid an apology for disturbing his rest but hey, I was curious ya know? Not to mention that apprehension that strikes us all when you don't feel movement for a bit and need to reassure yourself that all things are well.

Paranoia in motherhood, it's a beautiful thing, isn't it? hehehe

Well, I think I "smell" my littlest character of the house so I must go change her before things get out of hand. My cats had the reaction when I brought her home of "are you replacing us with another animal mom?". I have a feeling I will see that same reaction in her when I bring home a boy, "What's this you brought home mom? It won't stop screaming!". Hehehehe

Sue

PS I forgot to mention I handed out my specialist's name and business last night to a customer at the department store. She said she had hoped to be buying baby clothes this Christmas but so far no luck. She asked how far along I was and I told her I look further along than I am. We discussed how I was high risk and I poufe from day one due to family genetics. She confessed she had lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 14 pregnancies around week 8. She said she never seems to get any further than that. I told her that I had lost a baby boy due to stillborn death and Pre-e two years ago but with the treatments and watchful eye of my Peri, I was able to have a healthy baby girl last year and we were trying again for another success story. I gave her the name and business where my Peri works and told her I couldn't remember his number off hand but I know he's in the book. She thanked me and I wished her good luck. I know what it's like to want children badly.

And on another note, a gal at my workplace is adopting two children. I am not sure if she can have her own or not, but either way I am on the crusade to see that she gets a nice "baby shower" for adopting these two kids. The kids are not babies but still young and I think every "mom" deserves to have a nice party to celebrate the fact of having children bless her life. I'll have to find out more detail on ages, genders and such to plan a proper party but I know it will be so great to honor her with a celebration! It doesn't matter how you obtain the children that come into your life, it's the fact that they love you and call you their own that makes it all worth while. I pray she can get them for Christmas! Say your prayers for her, please?

OK, It's me again. I got home from work last night and a quick shopping trip Wal-mart at around 1 am and I was concerned because I'm 19 weeks and haven't felt much movement. But then again, I can never remember when I started to feel movement with the others, in the sense of the flutters. I get the occasional "flutter" but sometimes I take that as having eaten something my system may not have agreed with. hehehe

I came home and checked this website for updates. I went to bed around 2 am and then couldn't sleep right away. I thought I remembered one of the books I have saying you could start hearing the heartbeat through a stethoscope around 19 weeks. So it became my project to see if I could hear "lil boy". I pressed, poked, proded, and couldn't hear anything of a heart beat. So I moved the steth around some more to get a better listen, still nothing. As my anxiety was rising just a tad but still maintaining that it may be too early to tell, I heard more than I felt a KICK right in my ear. I had to laugh as this is the same thing my other son, Ben, whom we lost in 2002, did to my husband when we were doing the same thing, listening for a heartbeat.

I woke up this morning feeling like I must have irritated "lil boy" because I had a great pulling pain in my lower lefthand side. (round ligament pain) So I guess I am already fulfilling the prophecy bumper sticker that says "live long enough to be a problem to your children" because I've successfully irritated "lil boy". hehehehe

Well, I'm off to see what other mischief I can get myself into today. I already awoke my husband with a cup of coffee and fed the young one. I now smell diaper duty or is that a duty in the diaper, I can never tell. hehehe

Thank you to all who read my posts and respond with kind words. :-) I am hoping as I share my story that others will feel comfortable enough to talk about their experiences as well.

I got home from work tonight around 1 am and luckily I am done with work for this week. It has snowed a LOT and the drive home was interesting as the fog inside my car from the heater started to form a frost on the inside of my windshield. I did make it home and for that I am grateful! I sat and read from the grief and loss category tonight and admit to being a little melancholy from all the sadness I read about. I feel so much for everyone who has lost a baby due to Pre-e. I guess it hits me harder while being pregnant and emotional. It's hard to face the anniversary dates as it is but when coupled with a holiday, that just seems to amplify the devastation it seems.

I am going to go spend some time with my husband who I love and appreciate for his steadfast love and concern throughout all our experiences. In the back of my mind I did have the thought run through my head, "I'm going to have to give BIRTH again! .. Uh oh!" lol .. But what little price to pay, a day of discomfort for a lifetime of joy.

I'm signing off for tonight (yes I know it's actually morning but it's still dark so it's night to me) hehehe

Oh Boy! I start thinking now, a new year is about to come upon us and with that will be the pitter patter of new feet at my house. What was I thinking? Don't get me wrong, I want this baby badly but I now am starting in with some jitters about .. how am I going to handle two in diapers? This is a new experience for me as I have one who is 10 and one who is 1 currently. I'm exhausted right now and some days I cannot wait for lil' one to get her first nap of the day in so I can nap as well. But that makes me feel bad because then my 10 year old misses me while I'm asleep. Granted, I usually can nap while she's in school but Christmas vacation is a different story. Any tips from the experienced on having more than one small one in the house and dealing with the exhaustion of pregnancy and motherhood? I'm not trying to sound like I'm complaining, just feel bad for feeling so tired. Wondering if there is anything I can do to "wake up!".

Oh on the funny side, my husband has been waiting for the weather to permit him to try his new trick. Tonight the computer says we are at 5 degrees outside so the next thing I hear is the tea kettle whistling. I see him coming with a huge grin on his face and big mug full of boiling water. ... I asked him to hold the door open while I watched. One quick toss of the contents into the air and FOOSH ... the second those tiny little hot water molecules hit the air, instant ICE. It was a neat experiment and fun to watch him get all geeked up about it. He came back in the house and gave me a big kiss and said how fun that was and how he's been waiting to do that for some time now. LOL ... I sometimes think I didn't have to HAVE kids to be happy, I married one! lol ..

Well, I'll be waiting to hear any tips you have for me in raising two small youngin's and a slightly taller youngin' in a household. I have to smile when I see the picture here with my nickname. It's almost like, "Quick big sis, get in the picture with me!" .. hehehe We are going through the "I want to do what I want to do" phase of the just turning 1 yr old cycle of life.

Say prayers for the troops in Iraq and all the women who are pregnant and going through it on their own. I feel for these women and the men whose wive are active duty as well. I have friends whose husbands have been called up. I offer what help I can because I remember what it was like to be a single mom after my first husband passed away. It can be difficult and I only had one child to take care of while many have 2 or more.

Ok, I babbled on again. I'm off of here now get myself ready for bed. Goodnight and until we post again!

Sorry it's been a couple of days. Had a melt down on the 24th as I was over tired, things weren't cooperating at home and I had an unkind message left on my answering machine for some reason.

Meltdown is over, done my crying for that day and now I've tried to rest up and enjoy the Christmas weekend with my family. I made a nice ham dinner for Friday night and had sandwiches at my parents home while visiting with family for an exchange. It was nice to see nieces and nephews that I may only see once a year as it is.

I've had the drive to do more crochet lately so I am working on a baby blanket in a pretty lemon yellow color. But I cannot stop there, I usually have between 7-10 projects going at once in crochet so I don't get bored of the patterns. I received a letter from my aunt, who is 81, and she said that she recently joined up with a few ladies from church and they formed a group to knit or crochet hats for preemies, blankets for children with cancer, and other various charitable causes. Now I know where I get my drive to do such good deeds. [8)]

My main thoughts run to hoping I survive and have enough energy after this child is born to take care of my family as I am very tired most all of the time. I get little bursts of energy throughout the day but it doesn't seem to last long. If I stop to watch "Dr. Phil" for any length of time, not due to his topic, I start to fall asleep. I cannot do that with a 13 month old running around the house.

Today was a mother-daughter moment when I took my oldest, the 10 yr old, to have her ears pierced. She was nervous and cried after it was done. Nerves got her so bad she was sick to her stomach and had a headache afterwards so we went home. But after a nap to relieve the stress of the moment, she was good as new and thanked me for taking her. Then it was the phone calls to all her friends letting know what she had received for Christmas. Now to keep the 13 month old away from older sister's "pretties". LOL

It's almost 9 pm and the two are playing and laughing, so soon it will be time to wind down with a bottle for one and our first ear cleansing for the other. Wish me luck!

Sue, I just love to read about your day and how things are going at your house. Things here are hectic also and I feel like I will never be caught up on sleep. We have made the holiday rounds, visiting every relative in the area, and eaten a ton of food at each place! Victoria has gotten a lot of neat new toys and and made everyone laugh with her antics and funny behavior. Worked all day (at the local Hallmark) and was very busy all morning with loads of bargain shopping customers. Toria has had her bath and will be going to bed soon since it is close to 8 and she didn't nap today. I am glad that the ear trauma is over and that she did well with the piercing.

Today was a good day. Husband made it out the door on time even though he woke up around the time he should be leaving. LOL I got two loads of laundry done, got daughter packed up for overnight stay at cousin's house, played with both girls before taking one to cousin's house, and then worked 6-10pm tonight at the department store. YEAH .. I feel accomplished.

I'm glad hubby felt that tonight was a mac n cheese blue box blues night. I always feel bad but it's like I don't think about dinner until he's home and then when it's a night I am working, I don't have time to go back in the day and thaw out any meat. Sam's club, love ya! I buy all my chicken and ground beef fresh and repackage it for the freezer myself and so far, it's been working great. I'm ready to do some serious meal planning for something other than chili, chicken and rice, tuna noodle casserole, grilled cheese with tomato soup and the occasional hot dog and beans routine. Oh I cook a lot more than those recipes but it seems those are standby favorites that get repeated too often for my tastes any more.

My dear oldest daughter is having a special overnight with her cousin due to holiday vacation. Dear honey and I are enjoying some quiet as I guess lil' girl woke up and got back to sleep before I got home. So what do we two do with ourselves now that we are "alone" together? Well, he's playing Madden 2004 and won't stop the game until he's beaten the computer 194 to 7. And here I am posting my a conversation of sorts that I could have with him if he weren't preoccupied. LOL I think I will actually go crochet after I get done. I broke out my crochet hook today and made a preemie hat. My aunt sent me her holiday newsletter depicting all the things she has done in 2004 and she has joined a group at church called the Knit Wits who crochet for kids with cancer, preemies, and other people in need. I like the name of their group! And now I know where I get it from in that I have crocheted many items to give to the Children's hospital in town and to the hospital where I had my late son. I've even sent thumbless mittens, hats and blankies to women I only knew through the internet because they were either military and their husband wasn't there to share the joy of their new baby or to gals I knew could use something to celebrate their baby. I have so much yarn at home I could open up my own store! lol

I've been trying to think of how I could market my baby blankies on Ebay to come up with funds for PF. Just to say that the blankies I would sell, all proceeds would go to benefit the PF foundation in their quest for finding help for those that suffer with pre-eclampsia/eclampsia. Or maybe I could put items in with the church bazaar and ask that I run the booth separate of the proceeds that go to the church, that way I can have the money go to PF as a donation from my church. Or.... just beg and grovel that anyone and everyone I know give what they can spare to PF and call it a day. LOL Just random babblings.

They are putting a lot more clothing on sale at the department store for which I work. A lot of kids clothes are going on clearance which makes it a nice deal for me because I get my discount on top of the clearance price. There was a cute little sweatsuit outfit that said Camp Baby Snoopy on it that was just adorable. I'm such the sucker for baby things.

If you live in Indiana and are reading my posts, HI, and feel free to contact me! If you are not from Indiana and reading my posts, HI and feel free to contact me as well! I'm open to any suggestions on how you balance two kids in diapers at the same time.

I'm losing a cat. My favorite buddy in the whole world has been my Tonkinese kitty named Kitt who I have had for 11 yrs. He was a Christmas present from my late husband and I love this little boy kitty with all my heart. He's a mommas boy that's why. Well, today I took him to the vet to find out he's in renal failure. So sad as I know his quality of life will deteriorate. The signs he is showing mean that already 70-75% of his kidneys don't work properly. I am so sad. And just last night I told them at work I would be taking a leave of absence to stay home until this baby is born even though I like working at the department store. Feel like too many things are coming to an end. Losing my lil' buddy will be another chapter to close that leads back to my late husband. I'm done crying over my late husband but I cannot help but remember who gave me my best furry friend.

I will get Kitt back from the vet tomorrow after they hydrate him with fluids. But from that time on, it's only a matter of time until he becomes so bad that I have to let him go.

I've also been plagued with worry because I haven't felt the baby move that much. I know at 20 weeks it could still be early for defined movement but I went to Walmart and bought one of those Bebesounds listening devices to help me listen for a heartbeat. Well, I must stink at trying to find him also, because I haven't heard anything. Do you see the anxiety level rising? LOL

AHHHHHH ... tension reliever. I'll sign off here and go crochet or something to help cope. I need hugs and prayers before my insanity takes over. I know I've handled worse in my life but sometimes you just have to cry it out anyway. Here's to more stock in Kleenex brand tissues!