and with something as serious as CANCER you'd think they wouldn't make you wait around for weeks before they even decide to act on anything.

soooo...judging on the outcome of this "ultra sound", we might or we might NOT be headed to Cali within the next 5 or 6 days. I feel selfish for saying THAT SUCKS cause you know i dont want my grandma to have boob cancer AGAIN. but honestly this DOES suck...because the sooner i get to Cali the sooner i can put HER behind me.

as much as it's gonna kill to leave her and "us" behind i have to. i've come to the conclusion that she really WAS MY EVERYTHING. and letting go of EVERYTHING sucks.

everynight i go to sleep i go over all my regrets...over and over again. and that's not healthy because i should have NO REGRETS. i didn't do anything wrong, i didn't.

but i do regret not kissing her more, hugging her more, telling her that i love her MORE AND MORE. waking up next to her everyday for the past 4 years (and then some, because before we got together we were sharing the same bed-partiers i swear!) is something i took advantage of. i should've woken up and rolled over to hug her and cuddle with her for an hour instead of just laying NEXT to her talking about our dreams from the night before.

i asked chelle if she's talked to HER and she told me that jenn called her an hour before i asked. i asked if she was okay...and chelle said that she was doing good but she sounded sad. now, i'd love to think that she's sad cause she misses me...but something tells me that's not the case. and that kills.

cuz if you see me "down in the dumps" it's because i miss her...and it's a fucked up feeling to have when you think that you're the only one experiencing that feeling out of the both of you.

no shit, i was reading this gossip newspaper and the horoscopes for me and jenn were...right on.

mine was talking about hearing songs on the radio...it said I should LISTEN to what the songs are talking about because it's "fate" trying to tell me something. it's trying to tell me that everythings going to be OK.

*weird too, cause i've been hearing the same 5 songs EVERYDAY EVERY MINUTE*

hers said something about her and a partner severing ties this month, and to go ahead and let out the tears because things will only get easier as time passes. and even though it hurts, it will be OK.

i dont know man...sucks. i never saw this coming. at least not this soon.