Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Cousin Eddie

In these challenging economic times, many Americans are utilizing creative ways to minimize their expenses. Some have taken roommates, others have begun carpooling but only one couple possesses the fortitude necessary to show up at a home they sold decades earlier and simply pretend they still live there. That couple is none other than Randy and Evi Quaid.

While Randy is best known for portraying “Cousin Eddie” in the National Lampoon films, it appears that his financial solvency has dwindled in recent years. While a lesser man would have filed for bankruptcy or taken a supporting role in a Steven Seagal film, Quaid refused to allow his family’s dignity to be compromised. So after the couple was charged with defrauding a high-end Santa Barbra hotel of $10,000 last year, they decided that it was time to head for the old homestead.

Understandably miffed when their key did not work in the front door of the house they sold in the early 90’s; the couple decided to shack up in the guest house out back. This lasted only a brief period before the home’s current owner (who was not living there at the time) called the police on the Academy Award Nominated-squatter and his wife. The couple insisted that they had never actually agreed to sell the home and that the entire sale was a fraudulent transaction that involved the forging of a dead woman’s signature. The owner alleged that the couple caused thousands of dollars’ worth of damage while residing in the mother-in-law suite. Randy would admit to nothing more descriptive than “redecorating.”

After being released on bail, the couple trekked northward into Canada where they checked into a Vancouver hotel and skipped their court date. The judge issued a warrant for their arrest and Canadian officials nabbed Randy and Evi while they were out shopping. Faced with extradition, Randy finally decided it was time to play his ace. The couple has now officially requested asylum in Canada because they fear that their execution has been green-lit by the most feared shadow organization in Hollywood: “the Hollywood murderers.”

According to the Quaid’s, the “Hollywood murders” have been responsible for the deaths of Heath Ledger and David Carradine among others. They fear that Randy may be their next victim because the two previous victims were “personal friends” of the Quaids. The couple has even expressed concern for the safety of their dog if they to be incarcerated. When asked for comment, the couple’s attorney read only the following statement:

"We are requesting asylum from Hollywood star whackers."

First, and foremost, I would like to express my admiration for the Quaid’s attorney. That he was able to stand up in a court of law and read the aforementioned statement with even a semblance of sincerity is an unimpeachable testament to his professionalism. Secondly, if you are going to fabricate the existence of a homicidal cult that specializes in the assassination of film actors it might behoove you to give them a more creative moniker. Instead of “The Hollywood Star Wackers,” might I suggest “The Famous People Hurters” or “The Actors-Guild Assassins?”

If there existed an organization with the financial resources and formidable skill necessary to convincingly portray the deliberate slaying of two world-renowned thespians (on two separate continents) as accidents, I seriously doubt that Canadian sovereignty will provide Randy Quaid with the personal safety that he is going to require. If they can ambush David Carradine in a high-end Thailand hotel, I am sure traversing the Canadian border to rub out Randy Quaid at the Calgary Motor Lodge will not present an insurmountable challenge.

Of course, I will feel terrible if Quaid has an “unfortunate incident” at a Maple Leafs game or the couple’s dog suffers a debilitating accident involving the lawn sprinkler. Were the Quad’s suspicions to be confirmed, I would like to utilize this blog entry to formally reach out to the “H.S.W.” and ask if they accept requests. I have a short list I would like to submit when it is convenient.

2 comments:

Why Pete, I have only the highest regard for the subtle nuances Mr. Walker brings to cerebral films like "She's All That" and "Meet the Deedles." Void of his presence, who would play "the guy that is not Vin Diesel" in the Fast & Furious franchise or bring emotional gravity to dialogue punctuated with "bro."

I believe that we can all rest easy knowing that if there is a nefarious group of killers who target talented and widely-recognized thespians, Mr. Walker has nothing to fear.