Tuesday, February 21

Fitness DVDs as reviewed by a fat cat in China

So here's the thing. I'm what you call a little overweight. I clock in at 33 pounds and when you weigh more than a female lead on The O.C. then you have to admit you have a problem. There are 2 things I hold culpable for my obesity - the first being Chinese food. How anyone can dislike eating Chinese food is beyond me. It's like having a burning hatred for fluffy little kittens or chubby-cheeked babies. Impossible.

The second thing is lack of exercise which is also beyond my control. There is no way in hell you're gonna see me hunting down anything over here without being properly vaccinated first. So I figured out the safest way to lose weight was to pick up some fitness DVDs from amazon.com. Ah the wonders of one-click shopping!

The Jordan Workout When I first saw the cover, I swear I thought Jordan's tank top had the word "tit" on it. This made me laugh and laugh so hard I almost busted something. Anyway I was willing to give this a go because she had managed to lose her pregnancy weight so quickly.

I thought the exercises were well-suited to a beginner like me. It certainly felt like a good all-round workout that covered important things such as safety and stretching but also really hit the problem spots. However I couldn't get round the size of Jordan's breasts. Wouldn't carrying out the weight of them alone be enough exercise? They were incredibly distracting. So distracting in fact that after the first set I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. I spent the rest of the day under the covers being mesmerised by them moving up and down on my tv screen.

Carmen Electra's Aerobic StripteaseWhoa, this should come with a difficulty warning. Now I'm not one for fads but I thought this would be a good way of toning my hips, thighs, buns and abs while having a little bit of fun. But man, I threw my back out halfway during the sensual sexy librarian routine. Maybe I was too ambitious. Maybe I was should have started with "Fit to Strip" first. Needless to say this put me out of action for a few weeks.

During that time all the progress I had made sorrowfully unravelled when I discovered smoked salmon flavoured potato chips. Damn it, the tape measure does not lie!

I was drawn to this DVD because I've always felt an affinity with David Carradine. Like him, I'm a white guy surrounded by a bunch of Chinese folk, crushing grasshoppers under my feet wherever I travel. After all that intense energy it was refreshing to take a more gentle and relaxing approach to working out. It was all about bringing mind body and spirit into harmony. If I kept this up, I could probably will myself onto the bed instead of needing my owner to give my ass a lift.

In conclusion I didn't lose any weight but the important thing to remember is that I didn't gain any either. Who am I kidding, I am so gonna need one of those celebrity self-help books.