You Can Do This Amazing Thing

Sometimes we fear being taken over by desire: fearful that we will become out of control, obsessed, unrecognizable, arrogant, no longer in control of our destiny… Whatever our personal story is, there can always be something that holds us back.

I have, however, seen many people ruined by sheer lack of desire. Nothing felt interesting enough, or safe enough, or worth their while… Or perhaps they felt that they themselves were unworthy of making full effort, committing, failing, or succeeding. Perhaps the specter of depression haunted so hard, there seemed no room in life for desire. So they ended up parked in front of the television, or in thankless jobs or relationships, or on the streets, or in jail.

There are still others who run full tilt toward desire, living in breathtaking leaps that seem impossible until we see them land on the other side of the canyon. Whether they stumble for a moment, or land with grace doesn’t matter. They make it. Somehow.

Most of us, I would hazard to guess, waffle somewhere in between: we take steps toward desire, and then retreat again to what feels like safety. We get to good enough, but not really satisfaction. We fly for a little while, maybe feel shot down, and have trouble moving forward again. We forget that failure means a chance to learn. People who don’t step toward desire never fail big, but they often end up failing by default. When we fail by default, there isn’t as much of a chance to start over, because there doesn’t seem to be any clear demarcation point where one phase ends and another one begins… unless we decide that today is the day we get up off the couch and try.

Desire can be focused, but we first need to risk opening to its sexy song. Desire can free us, if we aren’t too attached to the details of that freedom, trusting that the course of life will surprise us with things we could barely imagine as we move along our way.

Are we in jails of our own making? Or are we working at the jobs that pay the bills while being our best shining selves? Are we working at those jobs and simultaneously planting guerilla gardens in abandoned city lots, writing poetry at midnight, raising smart, creative children, or painting sonnets of color with the dawn?

If you’ve failed big, I applaud you. If you’ve missed your mark, I cheer. What I value is the bravery of trying. That means we have another chance today.

I’m one of those that’s become detached from my true desire, my bliss over time. Too many years where following my nose was inconvenient or disapproved of, and I was too eager to please to push past those obstacles. So now, in my early 40s, it’s a bit like trying to catch the end of a thread in a dim room — I know it’s there somewhere, and occasionally feel it brush against my hand, but it feels so dang random, this quest toward desire.

And yet I so much admire those who fall and pick themselves up, laughing. Who own their mistakes as honorably earned bruises and scars. Making mistakes feels like living, where being careful feels like waiting for life that will come (but never quite does).

I long to toss my heart over the hedges, not quite sure where (or if) I’ll land. I’m strong enough to know I’ll survive, whatever happens. But I get lost in the wealth of possibilities out there, none of which truly have a siren call for me. I get pulled along by my attraction to other people’s desires — a friend who loves yoga speaks rapturously of it, and I try to find that glow she finds in it, but my desire never seems to catch there.

How to light the tiniest candle of desire, so that it can catch and burn brightly over time? How to recognize that tiniest of flames amid the distractions that life provides? Any suggestions?

@Jo – Perhaps keep trying different things, and pay attention to what makes your heart sing. Do you have any old journals, from when you were young? If you could spend 2 hours today doing whatever the heck you wanted, what would you do?

Everyone always said to think of what brought you joy when you were quite young. But I found that the voices of “should” in my head didn’t let me remember those. I had to re-discover them in different ways.

Jo,Sometimes it is enough to desire desire. Sometimes it is enough to simply commit to oneself and say, “this is how I will train, this is what I will show up for, this is how I will study, and practice, and pray.” When we do that, guidance comes, from deep inside ourselves, and that guidance shows us the path toward our desire.

Desire can be a simple thing. We don’t have to make it grand. (and I’m writing a book on the topic, so will continue to have more to say!)

Thank you. Sometimes it feels like maybe I can’t do it, because its been harder than I ever imagined in ways I didn’t know how to understand, but I keep going anyway. Seeing the words – you CAN do this – it helps. Thank you for this encouragement.

Not sure I have faith in the fire of desire any more. Not for ordinary mortals like me, anyway. Only some people with certain material advantages (money) are able to do this. For those who struggle, it’ll never happen.

Lilith, I feel sorry to hear that. I know many people who struggle – barely able to make rent most months – who still manage to follow desire and create things. I was raised working class, often poor, and struggled with various things over the years: lack of income, chronic physical pain etc. It does make things more difficult. It can become hard to even make good decisions when we feel our back is against the wall all the time.

I still believe there are ways – however small – to keep making attempts. For me, I always started with returning to spiritual practice, and with looking for beauty.