Took me a few hours, but another line just came back to me. Early Bruce Willis in the TV show "Moonlighting". He's about to engage in a high-speed chase and he tries to get Maggie out of the car first for her own safety, but she refuses to get out:

"Women! Can't live with 'em. Can't live without 'em. Can't leave them on the curb when you're done with 'em."

Sadly we all laugh harder at the- Why did Timmy fall of the bicycle? Because he was a goldfish! Yes, it makes little sense.

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Makes me wonder whether he had gotten it from the old UNIX fortune program, which would print a randomly selected "fortune cookie" message. It was common to set it up to run every time you logged in. No offense intended, but here it is:

"A fish without a bicycle is like a man without a god."

Some of entries were recognizably quotes, so this one may well be, I just don't know from where.

Another is supposed to be from Groucho Marx:
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read."

Hmmm- I'll ask him- most of his jokes aren't original, but he delivers them well. One day we were doing review work and he printed off an entire list of jokes because he said my friend was depressed and said everyone else could listen too. He also likes to sing songs loudly that he knows about 3 or 4 words to and makes fun of other teachers to their face- only in a fun good spirited way though.

Thanks, DWise. You made my day. (Well, except for the joke before the last, anyway. It has no place on that list).
Where I come from, our version of "math" jokes goes like this:
A daring journalist wrote a column that said "half the members of our Parliament take bribes".
The government threatened the publisher, and the publisher threatened the journalist, who, on the following day, was forced to recant:
"Half the members of our Parliament do NOT take bribes."

The fish/bicycle quote was only to offer it as a possible source for the other fish/bicycle joke. I did indicate explicitly that no offense was intended.

In one upper-division computer science course, very math and proof oriented, the instructor had a exceedingly dry sense of humor that went over the heads of most of the native English speakers in the class and caused the Asian students extra confusion because they'd write everything he said in their notes, then stop and try to figure out what they had just written (I personally observed several double-takes and much head shaking).

When we were studying inductive reasoning, one of his jokes concerned an engineer who had proved that all odd numbers are prime (hint for the unwashed here: all but one prime number, 2, are odd, but not all odd numbers are prime). Here is his proof:
He sampled all odd numbers from 1 to 13 and found them all to be prime.
So by induction, he determined that that trend would continue for all odd numbers.
Therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime.
Well, he did find one odd number, 9, to not be prime. But statistically in a sampling of this size, you would expect at least one data point to be in error, so we can safely ignore it.

The object of this joke was the archetypical disdain that engineers have for theory and their inclination to base their designs on empirical tests.

For example, in a EE course, Linear Circuits, when we covered convolution, our instructor proudly told us about the delta function. Take a graph of the driving force being applied, such that the area under the curve (ie, its integral) is one. Then shrink its width (AKA "delta t", since the horizontal axis is time) down to where it's approaching zero (a common thing to do in calculus), which will cause its amplitude to approach infinity in order to keep the area under the curve at one. Hence, when you apply the delta function to the circuit in question you're hitting it with a force of one, but it's an instantaneous whack of near-infinite amplitude; the ringing in the circuit['s ears] after that is its response.

Our instructor informed us with great pride that engineers had come up with the delta function and had been using it for at least a century before the mathematicians could catch up with them and show mathematically that it was correct.

A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers were travelling by train. The engineers noticed that the group of mathematicians had only bought one ticket. Then they observed the mathematicians' trick. Just before the conductor was going to come through to collect the tickets, all the mathematicians piled into the rest room. The conductor knocked on the door and a single hand poked out holding a single ticket. So the entire group of mathematicians traveled on just one ticket.

That seemed like such a good idea to the engineers that they decided to do the same on the trip back. They bought only one ticket, but the mathematicians didn't buy any ticket. Then when the mathematicians piled into the rest room, they piled into the other one. Then one of the mathematicians went over to the engineers' rest room, knocked on the door, collected their ticket, and took it back to the mathematicians' rest room.

Printed in the Math Dept newsletter of one of my alma maters, the University of North Dakota. Ja, don'cha know?

An elderly couple is sitting in church. The woman says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" The man turns to her and says, "Well, you can start by changing the battery in your hearing aid."

no offense meant to blondes (myself included now) with the following easter joke... it really made me chuckle.
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Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, he had to test them for worthiness They had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder." St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good!!!" Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

no offense meant to blondes (myself included now) with the following easter joke... it really made me chuckle.
*******************************************

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, he had to test them for worthiness They had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder." St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good!!!" Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

no offense meant to blondes (myself included now) with the following easter joke... it really made me chuckle.
*******************************************

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, he had to test them for worthiness They had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder." St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good!!!" Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

no offense meant to blondes (myself included now) with the following easter joke... it really made me chuckle.
*******************************************

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, he had to test them for worthiness They had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder." St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good!!!" Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

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I love this. I'm sending it to my mom, who is "blonde" and loves blonde jokes.

okay so this couple dies and they go to the pearly gates and they ask St. Peter..."hey, can we get married up here?"...St. Pter says..."lemme go ask"...while he is gone (which is a very very very long time) the couple starts thinking about eternity being a long time and what if they fall out of love and all....so St. Peter comes back weeks later huffing and puffing and says:"yea you can get married up here".....and they say "well we have been thinking, what if we need to divorce?"....and St pete slams his clipboard down and says "it took me TWO WEEKS to find a priest up here...how @#$%^ing long do you think it's gonna take for me to find a lawyer?"

okay so this couple dies and they go to the pearly gates and they ask St. Peter..."hey, can we get married up here?"...St. Pter says..."lemme go ask"...while he is gone (which is a very very very long time) the couple starts thinking about eternity being a long time and what if they fall out of love and all....so St. Peter comes back weeks later huffing and puffing and says:"yea you can get married up here".....and they say "well we have been thinking, what if we need to divorce?"....and St pete slams his clipboard down and says "it took me TWO WEEKS to find a priest up here...how @#$%^ing long do you think it's gonna take for me to find a lawyer?"