Whoa! Maybe the goose-step is going a bit too far. I don’t want to make my Jewish voting block uneasy.

Big Guy told the Polish people that because of their history and their experience with throwing off the shackles of oppression in the pursuit of democracy, they can serve as an inspiration and guidepost for the nascent democracies in the Middle East. Remember when we used to provide that function?

Maybe we should take notes now on how it was that Poland managed to overthrow communism. You know, just in case we need to reference them at some future date? And it probably wouldn’t hurt to keep Lech Walesa's number in our electronic rolodex.

I know many of you were disappointed that Lady M decided to go home with a sick headache instead of accompanying Big Guy to Poland. Butt trust me, I saw what she had packed for that leg of the trip, and I think it was just as well.

Backward Blouses:

strange and ill-fitted suits:

…and colorful frocks:

We don’t really need any more Polish jokes, do we? Especially if Lady M would be the butt of them.

Oh, and the answer to the joke: to be provided tomorrow. In the meantime, feel free to provide your own answers.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Rather than stand by her man as he stood by that little French wench Carla, Lady M decided to fly back to Washington to spend more time with the family.

Anything new in your family, Carla?

So she “kissed” Big Guy goodbye and climbed aboard that big ol' jet airliner to be carried home, where adulation is not only expected, it’s guaranteed.

“Come on hon, you know you don’t want to stick around here with all these racist Europeans anyway.” “That’s right Buh-rock, butt I’m not leaving until that damn bagman shows up.”

So with Lady M winging her way back to America, Big Guy was left to his own devices (with Reggie’s help, of course) to work out the world’s problems with the other G8 leaders in the swanky French seaside resort of Deauville.

And they’re not just having fun: they’re saving the world. Of course in order to do that, they’ll need a LOT more money. And to show his chops in that department, Big Guy came up with a plan to address the fiscal crisis: because who else can bring the WTF factor to Europe? He’s pursuing a time honored plan to bring in gobs of cash: that’s right – a new world tour!

He’s getting the band back together,to Win the Future:

As usual it’s up to Big Guy, the pied piper and leader of the band, to make it all happen. Watch the finesse as he rounds up the usual suspects:

Come on Dmitri, we’ve got to find the rest of the guys.

Good, here’s Nicholas!

Hey! There’s some more of them over there: Hey! Guys!

Dmitri, you go that way, Nicky, come with me…

This is like herding cats

OK, that’s better

Now stick close behind me…

Still with me?

Where the hell’s Angie? We need a broad.

OK then. She’s so short I didn’t see her there next to you Nicky.

Follow, follow! We’re on correct path, comrades.

Just ignore the protestors fans and keep following me. We’ve got a little studio work to do before our next live performance.

Ok, I know this first gig isn’t what we were all hoping for, but consider it the out-of-town warm up for our triumphant return to the bright lights on Broadway!

It looks like some of us still need to do a little work before we’re back on top. Silvio, Angie, you need to hit the gym. And the salad bar. Nicky, Davey: brush up on the melody lines, maybe update a few of the lyrics to reflect current events. I’ll work on the dance steps. And we need to make a pact: when talking to the media, we’re simplynot going to discuss old disputes that resulted in all the riffs, bad feelings and the breakup of the band in the first place.

So, if the press brings up any of the following issues - the world economy being in the dumpster, the bloody Middle East revolutions now moving into months, not days, the likelihood of terrorist nations getting nuclear weapons, Israel being on the brink of annihilation at the hands of Islamafascists- just respond by blaming global forces out of our control.

And if that doesn’t work, just blame Bush and switch the talking points to how we are currently planning on covering a bunch of new, hot hits on our world tour. For example, World-wide Internet Regulation. That should have them willing to shovel out the big bucks again.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Let’s just say that if Lady M came to save the Brit’s kids from fat behinds, she might better have stayed home:

How many fat behinds do you see?

Butt she shared her own inspirational story with a group of disadvantaged girls from the Elizabeth Garrett Anderson Secondary School in North London. To make the most of the photo op, she had them meet her at Christ Church College at Oxford. University.

(ED: a bit of a sentimental journey for your cub reporter, who once attended briefly to augment her English language pack. The Buttery is still there!)

And the girls were very impressed:

If by nothing else, then by the McQueen blouson and bondage belt system which would look quite nice with the Muslim head scarves.

Butt of course the biggest news event of the day was Big Guy’s read at the British parliament, where in keeping with British tradition he kept it low key.

Undivided attention

While brushing up on his comedy routine:

I have known few greater honors than the opportunity to address the Mother of Parliaments at Westminster Hall. I am told that the last three speakers here have been the Pope, Her Majesty the Queen, and Nelson Mandela -- which is either a very high bar or the beginning of a very funny joke.

I’m going with joke. He also used the occasion to practice his stump speech, talking about the economy, nuclear proliferation, and the importance of education. Finally, in hopes of getting him to stop, Parliament gave him a standing O. That seemed to do the trick.

Oh look! They brought the Christmas decorations out for Big Guy!

And while the supportive press back home praised his read for its statesmanlike themes and tones, the Brits were not quite as impressed:

The presidential text sounded as if it had been worked on so hard and conscientiously by a vast team of helpers that it had lost all savour, and been reduced to a series of orotund banalities, of the sort which can be heard at every tedious Anglo-American conference: “Profound challenges stretch out before us…the time for our leadership is now…Our alliance will remain indispensable.”

Butt the real point of yesterday was the dress that Lady M’s handlers selected for the reciprocal dinner for the Queen at the American Embassy. Since we wore a British designer for the Queen’s dinner, we wore American for the other Colonialist’s dinner:

And a lovely dress it was: black satin bodice with black crepe skirt, accented with a bit of bling. And it fit! Ralph Lauren insisted on that before he agreed to give it to the Big White dresser.

Either Big Guy and Lady M were surprised to see the Queen arriving for dinner in her stodgy old Bentley,

or they just had their doobie faces on. Which, I better remind them, doesn’t refract well with evening wear.

If it was the former, they may change their attitude when they find out that the bespoke mobile cost $14 million when built in 2002:

And if it was the later, well, maybe it explains the pre-dinner shenanigans the night before too:

inspired by Annie Laurie’s talented friend’s poster

A few other details on the dinner: in addition to the Queen, the guests included J.K Rowling and Doris Kearns Goodwin. Both are lobbying for the honor of writing the official Obama history should this reign ever come to an end. I know most observers think that J.K. Rolling’s superb fantasy writing gives her the advantage, butt I’d give the odds to DKG. Why? Because there are libraries full of books written about truly great past Presidents for her to “glean paragraphs from.” On the other hand, now that I see her up close, I’m not sure the reign is likely to end in her lifetime.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Please accept this lovely photo of Westminster in place of the customary personal postcards I would have mailed from olde London town. We’ve been rather busy, and I just haven’t had the opportunity to post them.

So let me get on with my report: We got Trumped again. You would think, being from the Windy City and all Lady M would know better than to wear a full skirt and fly-away hair. Butt I suppose after you’ve been gone awhile you forget the basics. So here goes, let me just get this part over with.

We went from the ridiculous:

In which Lady M demonstrates the dangers of getting caught in a vortex, and the real reason British ladies wear hats.

To the sublime:

Possibly the best we’ve ever looked. And no butt views! God bless the Brits and their innate sense of propriety.

Of course, there was everything in between. So I’ll do my best to give you a quick run-through:

Reviewing the Queen’s private stash of stuff:

BO, practicing his numbers;

MO, practicing her signature crescent “O”

Here both of the “Os” are practicing for laying a wreath at the tomb of the unknown soldier at Arlington later this week.

Then we picked up the Camerons at 10 Downing Street for a little afternoon workout before the big dinner.

dancing

and donkey pong.

Then, the breathtaking Royal State Dinner:

Look – no tents at the state dinner! No cheap seats. Good idea.

Awkward toast to the Queen however. BO’s hesitating speech pattern tricked the orchestra into thinking that Big Guy was done with his wandering thoughts so they struck up the band prematurely, requiring him to plug on courageously over the strains of “God Save the Queen.”

Look – no TOTUS! Just cheap note cards. Bad idea.

So far today we met the Camerons at 10 Downing Street again

One digit off

for a BBQ for the troops – just like we do at the Big White!

Everyone looks like they may have been up too late and enjoyed a few too many toasts.

And we just wrapped up a press conference where nobody said anything, butt they said it about a dozen times each, so I’ll just skip that part.

Meanwhile back in the states, we understand Bibi gave a speech to the Congress and got 25 standing Os – more than Big Guy’s SOTU! Butt who’s counting, right?