College Courses That Would Actually Be Useful

1. Eye Contact

Right now, as I type this description, my parents are talking to me. They're saying, "Please look up when someone talks to you -- put down the computer -- your generation blah blah blah" ...And I've officially tuned them out! Do you forget how to make eye contact with another human while they say one or more sentences to you? Do you get nervous when you're not tweeting while you're sitting at a meeting? Are you angry that that last sentence rhymed? Look no further! Or do! That's the point of this class! You will learn how to put your goddamn iPhone down while your mother talks to you.

2. Learning Enough About Obamacare For Dinner Parties

Tired of blaming "Congress" in front of other people who know everything about the Obama administration, praying to God that those people won't ask you why you blame Congress? This course will teach you just enough about Obamacare to not only halfheartedly engage in conversation about it, but maybe also start your own conversation about it, making everyone else feel awkward. "I was there once," you'll say to yourself. "Thank god I took that course, though. I can only imagine the indigestion everyone but me is experiencing!" you'll continue to yourself, triumphantly, without feeling nauseous. The 200 level of this course explores "What Happened in Syria for Brunch Conversations."

3. From the IRS to AIDS: Acronyms You Should Know As an Adult

Find yourself confused with acronyms? Under the impression that SARS is the government agency that collects taxes? This course will teach you everything you need to know about relevant acronyms. You will no longer pretend to fall asleep when your friends talk about their opinions of the GOP, and by the end of the semester, you'll practically know a code language. The sentence: "The UNESCO was created during the ECO/CONF after the UNCIO" should make sense by the end of this course.

4. Choruses of the iTunes Top 50 Songs

If you happen to mouth out the words "juicy watermelon" at parties, pretending like you know the song that's playing, this course may be the right one for you. Here, you'll review at least all of the choruses of the iTunes Top 50 Songs - just enough to sort of dance and sing along without feeling the need to retreat to the couch next to the coat piles. Next semester, we'll offer the 200 level of this course: "Michael Jackson's Thriller Dance for Weddings."