A Letter From Anthony Bourdain

I’m Anthony Bourdain. I wear a leather jacket on my heart and I have cigar eyes. I’ve done a lot of drugs, so you can trust me. I’m your Food Man.

I once used Courtney Love as a board to windsurf down to Baja to satisfy a craving for these perfect little fish tacos they sell on the beach outside of Rosarito.

Join me next week on No Reservations as I slip through the wardrobe to Narnia unnoticed and eat Mr. Tumnus. Does the man half taste different from the Faun half? I’ll find out.

I’d describe my fashion sense as “the saddest wizard in the world.” I wear a big watch on my arm, because I’m the Time Man. I don’t smile.

I’m tall Man with many hairs. Nothing good enough for me, I have many hairs on my head, as Man.

I’ve made balut with the ducklings from Make Way For The Ducklings. It was an experience, although I can’t say it blew my socks off or anything.

I was once publicly flogged in Singapore for refusing to fasten the top three buttons of my shirt. I’d do it again.

Hunting humans for sport? I’ve tried it. Sure. But I still won’t eat at Chili’s.

My eyes are sleepy, but my heart’s awake, and it hates you.

I only eat in war zones, or if a tsunami is visible on the horizon. Otherwise? I don’t eat. It’s boring.

I’m not afraid to use swears. I’m not afraid of anything, except for covering up my neck and the top of my chest.

I tattoos. I Tattoo Man. Tall and strong Tattoo Man, with many hairs, from Man. I eat testicles right off of live bulls in a field, no sauce no napkin hands. I eat food that’s no good because I’m tall, strong also tall.

I don’t like anybody. Put another leather jacket on me.

Sex? Hoo, buddy, I’ve had some of it with women all of the place.

[straddle-sits on backwards-facing chair]

I once raised Sid Vicious back from the dead just to get him to eat Hákarl with me.

When I was a lad, I ate four dozen eggs every morning to help me get large. Now that I’m grown, I eat five dozen eggs, and I’m roughly the size of a barge. Stop thinking, LeFou. That’s a dangerous pastime. I know.

I’ll go to jail for any crime. I don’t care.

“The Very Hungry Caterpillar”? That’s bullshit. I’ve been hungrier than that, and I’m not even a bug, I’m a man. I’m Anthony Bourdain. I would eat a very famous horse, like Seabiscuit or Aslan. I only eat the appendix of poisonous snakes, nothing else, not potato chips, very boring. I eat cocaine, no big problem.