Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Look At Those Assholes Flying Around In Space

In the first match-up between the two teams, you’ll notice that it is a slightly different Spaceman team this year. There is a Japanese man on second base (when you’re asking for his autograph, ask if he knows karate before I say anything derogatory), a liar/cheater at short, and a new guy in the bullpen blowing late leads. Hope you guys like losing to the Reds, because it’s going to be happening a lot. It's going to be like whichever Superman that was where the villains went to the moon and thumped those astronauts. I'm just too busy to trouble myself by looking things like that up. Finding pictures of South Korean spacepersons is very time consuming.

The nerds at Baseball Prospectus predict a poor season from Houston which should give the members of the team plenty of time to enjoy what the city annually named the fattest in the world has to offer. Give me something fried and covered in gravy, stat! Ignore that, cover it in gravy first, then fry it and top it with strawberries. Here’s Redsbot 5000’s game time lineup predictions:

1. Kaz Matsui 2B – can’t wait for Michael Bourne to get healthy so he can beat his ass

2. Darin Erstad CF – all major league announcers are contractually obligated to mention the fact that he was a punter at Nebraska

3. Miguel Tejada SS – his birth certificate also says that he is right handed and his favorite movie is Chinatown. Both contentions are, in fact, false

4. Lance Berkman 1B – coined the phrase “grab ‘em in the biscuits”

5. Carlos Lee LF – that shirt he’s wearing is made solely from his own hair, he wove it on the loom he keeps at his locker

6. Geoff Blum 3B – name is pronounced gee – off

7. Hunter Pence RF – his brother’s name is Gatherer

8. J.R. Towles C – travels with a suitcase full of a variety of different sausages

The Reds Rocket proudly documents the beauty of all which is, was, and will be Cincinnati Reds baseball. Through the use of advanced technology, information is collected and disseminated to the populace from the author's personal blimp hovering high above central Arizona.