Despondency

I’ve stopped telling people how I feel. It has almost become a competition on who has it worse which doesn’t help anyone. I know it’s hard to remain objective when you feel like what’s happening to you is the worst possible thing but just like someone else’s beauty isn’t an absence of your own, your problems existing doesn’t mean others’ are trivial. So in order to deal with what’s on my plate, I’ve stopped sharing it.

I think that the best description on how I’ve been feeling lately is despondency. I am overwhelmed the point of being downright disinterested. The things that make me happy, don’t. The people I find comfort in, I can’t. I struggle to get up and go to work, to eat well, to get any kind of exercise, to read, to write. The only feelings I do feel are anxiety and frustration. And extreme fatigue.

Part of that is the medication I’m on, it kind of sedates you. I know if I take it in the morning, it knocks me out completely. Part of it is the emotion of the last number of months. Part of it is subconsciously knowing I have to move back home in a few months. Part of it is the constant managing of my finances so that I have enough to live on.

It doesn’t matter how much sleep I have, I will wake up tired.

So, in other words, it’s just the stress of life. But that doesn’t make it any less difficult to deal with.

My body deals with this stress via Dermatillomania. The idea that the only thing I can control is what’s in my skin and if I can eradicate it, then the world will be a better place.

I guess this is another thing I can say my OCD has manifested itself in.

I have scars on my face now. You wouldn’t know, I found the best makeup to cover it but the marks of self harm (which is more common than you think) does nothing for my feelings of frustration and total despondency.

It’s not the only bad habit I’ve fallen back into. I’m overeating, I’m overthinking, I’m comparing myself to every other girl I see. I talk myself down. I cut myself off. I tell myself I’m not good enough, I’m not worth any of it.

And after a while, that gets really disheartening.

In an ideal world, I’d take time off, delete all my social media and just be uncontactable but I can’t. The world doesn’t work like that anymore. People expect us to be constantly ‘on’. Checking emails on lunch break, being on WhatsApp at one in the morning, tweeting all of our thoughts, desperate for the attention like it’s become another dangerous drug that we’re told determines our value in society.

I’m on a side of depression where I know what it is and how I can fix it. I’m not scared or sad. I just know I have to push through it. And it will be ok. Because it has never not been ok.

So here’s what I know works:

Allow myself to feel what I’m feeling. And not get frustrated over it. Acceptance and move on.

Plan – plan for something to look forward to. Whether or not you actually go through with it, having a project you can return to when you feel down is always a mood booster for me (me at the moment: how soon can I get back to Colorado?)

Friends – taking time to spend quality time with my friends, actually doing something, going somewhere and making new memories. I find these times are the best for some much needed soul to soul talk.

Social Media – boy, bye. Cutting out that social media until I’m in a place where I know I can handle it.

Reconnect with what inspires me – either it’s people, articles, books, music. I’ve found myself through these things before, I can find them again.

Try to work on my coping mechanisms instead of destroying my face.

Journal – write out what the fuck is actually going on. Helps makes sense of it all. I also started using Daylio, an app that helps track your mood. You can input how you’re feeling and what you do throughout the day and it matches the things you do that improve your mood and shows how your mood varies throughout the day, month and year. I haven’t done much with it so far, just logging my mood throughout the day but I know when there are enough stats there, it might show me when I get down and why.