New love is the ultimate turn on. In the first moments and days of love, the neuro-chemicals that create feelings of happiness all explode out the starter gate. But does an explosion of happiness chemicals that triggers the thought "I want this person to be in my life forever!" necessarily mean that you and your new love would in fact make good chemistry together forever? Or is what you are attracted to now minor compared to what would later lead to your needing relationship counseling?

Before you make a mad dash to the altar, better read on.

Why do decisions to marry that are made in the early exciting stage of love, the stage of infatuation, so often turn out to be a big mistake?

I recently read an exceptionally clear explanation.

Chana Levitan is the author of a particularly helpful ‘Is this the right one for me to marry?’ book. I Only Want To Get Married Onceexplains that infatuation is “ the spark at the beginning” that suddenly ignites with a new person or in a situation that has newly switched from businesslike or friendship to romantic and sexualized. Because that spark, that sparkling, delightfully sexually intense feeling when you first fall in love, feels so good, you are likely to want the feeling to last forever.

Alas, it won’t.

Levitan explains that no matter how good the match, the strong sexualized draw of infatuation, even in the best of marriages, is only a temporary phenomenon associated with newness and insecurity.

Levitan quotes the research of psychologist Dorothy Tennov who found that the duration of infatuation typically lasts at most “between approximately 18 months and three years.” Circumstances like a long-distance relationship or chronic relationship insecurity may articfically extend the tingling phenomenon, at the cost of delaying the shift either into a departure from the relationship or into commitment to a mature and reliable love partnership.

Infatuation also poses a second trap. It’s easy to confuse loving the feeling of infatuation with the totally separate issue of how loving you are likely to feel toward that person after the infatuation has worn off.

Love is blind while you are in the intital infatuation stage. After that, clarity about reality tends to emerge. Continuing to love someone is likely to depend on how suitable that person is as a partner in the project of living.

Fortunately, it's possible to look ahead even when you are feeling swept off your feet. Your capacity for longer range vision can help you evaluate if the person you love so intensely today is likely to become a burden or an asset over time. Does your current infatuation seem to be with someone who will turn into a stranger from a strange land or someone with whom openness, intimacy and a shared life style would be possible? Would that person be a supportive partner or a controlling tyrant?

Levitan offers a handy list of five signs suggest that an infatuation is not to be trusted. Here goes her Five Signs list:

The infatuation is the whole relationship. There’s nothing else there. No shared vision or values of the life pathways you both want. Minimal shared interests. Not much to talk about after the initial getting-to-know-you conversations.

You’re so caught up in the chemistry of initial attraction that you can’t, or don’t want to, see who the person really is.

You’re infatuated and at the same time know that the person is bad for you.

You’re moving toward marriage but find yourself thinking about someone you’ve dated in the past, or looking at others you might date in the future.

You know at some level that you are wasting your time enjoying being infatuated with someone whom you wouldn’t want to marry.

Is infatuation a reliable guide?

So are all initial strong feelings untrustworthy? Absolutely not. Strong feelings alone do not a good match make, but strong feelings plus good sense can enable couples to make a marriage choice early on that leads to a relationship that proves to be long-lasting and ever-loving. I knew the man I married for less than two months, and was thoroughly infatuated, when we decided to wed. Now, forty years, four children and ten grandchildren later I’m still thrilled with my choice of mates.

Who to marry is the single most important decision a person makes in their life. It’s especially important, as Levitan puts it so nicely in the title of her book, “I Only Want to Get Married Once.” So pick thoughtfully. And once you've picked, make sure to learn the communication skills for marriage success!

Denver clinical psychologist Susan Heitler, Ph.D, a graduate of Harvard and NYU, is author of Power of Two, a book, a workbook, and a website that teach the communication skills that sustain positive relationships.

Having failed at my first marriage (I had some help :) I have spent the past 4 years trying to figure out where I went wrong (with lost of help) so that I don't make the same, or any other mistake, again.
Two months ago I met a man, while I was contemplating the Peace Corps or Sisterhood in a Convent (not looking for a mate). I felt like the earth cracked open...aside from those wonderful feelings inspired by his dark hair, dark eyes and tall tallness (6'2!) I have discovered that we also have the same vision for our futures...mountains, faith, a garden, outdoor pursuits, humility, goodwill, travel and simplicity...He does small things that amaze me, without being asked (he took note of the fact that I was out of taboule and bought some for our salad...he packed this great picnic lunch for the beach with major attention paid to the foods he knows I like...food is a huge priority to me)
We both laugh at how we'd made the assumption that there was no one else among the 7 billion people in the world who might want to live a simple life in the mountains..and if there were, we might have nothing to say to each other...but then it happened.
It's difficult to remain discerning and level headed in the midst of attraction, but articles and information like your post are helping to point me in a good direction. Congratulations on your own happy love story!

Having failed at my first marriage (I had some help :) I have spent the past 4 years trying to figure out where I went wrong (with lost of help) so that I don't make the same, or any other mistake, again.
Two months ago I met a man, while I was contemplating the Peace Corps or Sisterhood in a Convent (not looking for a mate). I felt like the earth cracked open...aside from those wonderful feelings inspired by his dark hair, dark eyes and tall tallness (6'2!) I have discovered that we also have the same vision for our futures...mountains, faith, a garden, outdoor pursuits, humility, goodwill, travel and simplicity...He does small things that amaze me, without being asked (he took note of the fact that I was out of taboule and bought some for our salad...he packed this great picnic lunch for the beach with major attention paid to the foods he knows I like...food is a huge priority to me)
We both laugh at how we'd made the assumption that there was no one else among the 7 billion people in the world who might want to live a simple life in the mountains..and if there were, we might have nothing to say to each other...but then it happened.
It's difficult to remain discerning and level headed in the midst of attraction, but articles and information like your post are helping to point me in a good direction. Congratulations on your own happy love story!

One point not mentioned here is that many often do fib unintentionally about shared interests. Many are willing to try new things in a new relationship and this can give a false sense of compatibility. Many times after the relationship settles down however, your partner will no longer care to do all those things anymore.

I'm a 20-something woman and it seems like so many of the young men today - those willing to commit to exclusivity, anyway - are only after "the spark" and quickly exit the relationship or look for someone new once it's worn off. It makes it really difficult to trust.

It's no doubt true that too many young people think the sparks and sparkle phase of love should last forever, never moving therefore on to working through differences into the warm and strong love-bonding of a successful marriage.

At the same time, it could be worth doing what you can to find out if there's more you could be doing to invite the men to feel safe enough to stay around. You might want to take the free quiz on this page, http://poweroftwomarriage.com to see if that will help you identify some growth spots. Scroll down the page to find the quiz, which is on the part of the homepage that shows a warm smiling welcome from the head of coaching for the program.

I wasn't necessarily referring to my own experiences. I actually had dozens of friends in mind, some of whom are platonic male friends. Many of the males I know or the women I know have been involved with operate in the same way.

why is marriage the only goal one must have in a relationship? There's no real reason to marry anymore, except if you want kids and even then it's not necessary. Just something I notice in these articles: it assumed everyone wants marriage when many of us don't.

Scientific studies of moles (or a similar small furry animal) noted that within the same animal type, some had a gene that made them pair-bond; others with a different genetic pattern did not pair bond.

I do agree with you that marriage is not for everyone. Some folks just don't have an internal program that is compatible with monogamy for life.

At the same time, studies have suggested that for most people, including many who claim to want "just a relationship," marriage is an ultimate dream.