Hey, ZE Readers! Happy Commercialized Romance/Bitter Single People day. Are you on our forums? Heh heh heh… Heh heh heh heh heh… You may ask yourself “Oh god, why is he laughing like that? It’s freaking me out.” Well, good, it should. Why? Because, unbeknown to you, once you’re on our forums, you’re immediately considered for a relationship with another one of our forum/staff members by the more sexually-repressed end of the Content Writers on-hand (myself included). I figured now is as good a time as any to come out and tell you guys just who we’ve been paring you with. Joining me to help do this is the only other Content Writer on staff that doesn’t hate Valentine’s Day. Say hello to Skalla!

Skalla: “Hey, everyone. I’ll have you know that I have extensive research credentials in this field of study. Every word out of my mouth (fingers?) can be backed up with solid evidence. And remember that forum shipping is serious. effing. business.”

So, I hope you’re ready for things to get awkward all up in here, because whenever we ship two people together, gender, status, and sexuality don’t play a role. That’s right, no one is safe. So, sit back, relax, and prepare yourself for an onslaught of sexual tension between our forum members!

SpaghettiWeegee: “Personally, I’m a fan of HorseShoexthe8bitMoon, as those two are absolutely meant for each other. You should hear the way 8bit swoons for the beauty of our Horse Footwear-themed Content Writer; it’s as if he’s been induced into a state of ultimate bliss. I also like Double Rainbow (Formerly FierceDiety)xMajora’s Cat. Have you ever seen a cuter paring of semi-trolls? I haven’t. Double RainbowxElias (formerly MetroidMaster1914) is another one of my favorite shipments, however, that conflicts with the paring I mentioned above, making me feel very conflicted. Both of the shipments have gratuitous amounts of evidence, making determining which one can be confirmed as “canon” quite a conundrum. FalcoxMacbook5, however, is one of the few shipments that has blatantly obvious proof: look at them. The two met while working at the firm Fail-co, and have been thicker than thieves ever since. It’s love, I tell you! One of our newer members, PotassiumIodide, has developed quite a few parings of her own, including, but not limited to, PotassiumIodidexElias, PotassiumIodidexDouble Rainbow, PotassiumIodidexNathanZE, and PotassiumIodidexTaBoxman. Speaking of TaBoxman, talk about your playas. This guy’s got all the girls falling at his feet, practically 24/7, and rightfully so: he’s one heck of a smooth operator. As far as my favorite crack shipments go, I like Axle the BeastxFalcool and PhantomxiamtheFusedShadows.”

“I only feel as if I’ve scratched the surface of the forumshipping scene, as there’s so much more to be said about it and the many intricacies and subtle flourishes of budding relationships between two extremely nerdy people. I haven’t even brought up FalcoolxMike, Diabloxbigflyingpotato, macbook5ximmortalluna, or SpaghettiWeegeexHisRightHa–.. Maybe that one’s better left undisclosed… Regardless, there are so many more parings to be found here on our forums, and for those of you I didn’t mention, it’s not because I don’t like you, in fact, I love you. All of you are immediately shipped with me. That’s right. YouxSpaghettiWeegee. How does that make you feel? Warm and cozy on the inside? Violated over the internet? Either way, my job has been successful.”

Skalla: “Nothing quite like Valentine’s Day to set the mind on a crucial, life-or-death journey deep into the most serious business of forum institutions: shipping. Let it be known that I am not just talking about silly little crushes or late-night, innocuous flirt sessions with virtual beaux. No, no, you understand, the shipping pairs I’m about to unveil are supported by metaphorical mountains of carefully culled evidence. First on my expansive list is immeasurably popular among certain circles of the forum community: Horseshoexthe8bitMoon. It’s a fact only they attempt to deny. The moment they set foot in the same forum, sparks flew, much to the pyromaniac Horseshoe’s delight. By contrast, an untrained, amateur eye may not see the subtle signs that affirm one of the pairs I hold dearest: EliasxDouble Rainbow. It’s in the certain tender gesture shared when Double Rainbow lovingly and painstakingly crafted a beautiful signature for the Metroid-obsessed object of his affections.”

“Enough of the more dire romantic tangles. It’s time to get a little silly, with some of my favorite crack shipments. I’m quite fond of TaBoxmanxkram1032, as well as other convincing TaBoxships such as TaBoxmanxPotassiumIodide and TaboxmanxTHE ENTIRE FEMALE DEMOGRAPHIC OF THE FORUM. Can’t forget to mention NathanZExSpaghettiWeegee or macbook5xFalcool. You see, all love needs is one miniscule unifying interest (such as puns or Metroid) to thrive! … Of course, this means that the (entirety of the forum)x(the entirety of the forum), based on the assumption that we all have a common love for Zelda. Spread the love, everyone! Deep down, you all have an interest that binds you to each other! Kindle the love between you and your fellow forumers! Never spend another Valentine’s Day alone! After all, you don’t want to end up like bitter ol’ Skalla.”

There's something I'd like to clear up. When shipping people such as PersonAxPersonB, it's implied that PersonA is the one who has the feelings for PersonB. This would make shippings such as Double RainbowxElias perfectly fine, but when Skalla referred to EliasxDouble Rainbow she was mistaken, as legally speaking I can only be shipped with my name in front with a few people, and Double Rainbow is not one of them.

Let the variable "A" represent the first forum-goer, and let variable "B" represent the object of his affections. The variables can easily be translated into simple integers, if plugged into a simple formula, the forumshipping formula, or forumula, as I like to call it. The formula is as follows.

x(x + 2)/24x Whereas "x" represents the number of letters in the username of the suitor divided by the amount of numbers. The solution to this equation should come out as the amount of variable "A", and finding the amount of variable "B" is a simple matter of algebra.

AxB = The Amount of Love Between The Two As Determined By Numerical Percentage.

Let's say that Elias loves Double Rainbow 80%. This means that AxB would equal .80, a simple decimal. To solve the equation, we must now find the variable "A". This is simple. Elias has 5 letters in it, and… Zero numbers… Well, this is a simple matter, we merely have to… Divide by zero…

Your mathematics are minutely off; You see, dividing by 24, while it is a reasonable surmise, can easily be tweaked if you take into account the specific amount gravity being exerted on the heart caused by the gravitational alignment of planetary bodies.

Specifically, if you employ the formula as the typical-low IQed personage like yourself would, but before dividing by 24 find the a cubic correlation between exoplanet Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, along with Mars, Ceres, Pluto and Eris, but then multiply that regression by 42, as it undoubtedly the number of life, before dividing by 5.6E6 , you will then receive a factored-in average gravimeter force being exerted on the heart, and thus the increased affection admist forum members caused by astrological anomalies will be incorporated. You can then divide by 26 times the amount even numbers there were in your previous answer to acquire your basic A*B configuration.

However, to be even more precise you could always take into account the fact that much of the matter in space is also exerting relative gravity. (Asteroids, comets, icy particles, and some gases and liquids) Therefore, you must use the implied gas law to determine molar mass of the gas, and use basic colloid and solution formulas to find the exact rocky makeup of such asteroids along with the freezing point of ice particles when mixed with ionic molecules. From here, you can easily use basic spectroscopy to determine mathematically the combined pull of stated objects, and multiply that with your planetary body configurations.

This stuff is quite serious. You also should have taken into account the webmaster negativity factor, and the Garrett-Homosexuality perk. But nonetheless, you are an English major, so I will exempt you from using such mediocre math in your calculations.

As much as I'm NOT a fan of the8bitmoonxHorseshoe, I hafta say that I grinned. Of course, Skalla and SpaghettiWeegee would be only two people I know to come up with forum shipping as a news post. It was adorable. *cringe* It goes without saying that you guys are awesome and I love you all. <3 Happy Valentine's Day. <3

Well I guess I'm unloved. That's ok I suppose. I've been unloved my whole life. *cries* … Well now that that is over, I'd like to say that I strongly approve of these shippings. PhantomxiAmTheFusedShadows would probably be my favorite. Lol