SHB

All posts tagged SHB

* originally published for the 2013 Holiday Horror Binge & Purge event on DECEMBER 29, 2013

I’ve completed my [Goodreads] ˙·٠•●♥ 2013 Reading Challenge ♥●•٠·˙– (ahead of schedule, and beyond my personal goal – go, me!) But, I’m still sitting here wishing I had read so much more! I need more time! More hours in the day, more days in the week… UGH! It’s so frustrating! I started reading titles from StrangeHouse Books in 2013, and I wish I could say that I’m ending this year all caught up, that I’ve devoured them all quicker than aCannibal in Fat Camp!::sigh:: That, however, is not the case. But, it gives me a goal for 2014!!

“This collection of 9 twisted tales of Christmas horror brings together weirdo literary talent from around the world, all with the sole purpose of turning the most sacred of holidays on its head, and making sweet, sweet love to its defenseless ear holes!”

“Join SHB ring leader Kevin Strange, as well as StrangeHouse anthology alumni Rich Bottles Jr., Jesse Wheeler, KM Tepe, and newcomers like Lindsey Goddard and MP Johnson on this sometimes magical, always fucked up journey to the north pole. We promise you’ll never look at Christmas the same way ever again!”

For last year’s‘HOLIDAY HORROR BINGE & PURGE’event, my main Holiday book to read, and review, wasA HACKED-UP HOLIDAY MASSACRE. (It turned out to be a book of all holidays, not just Christmas, but ‘Irreverent Merriment, Diabolical Debauchery, and Gory Good Times‘ were had by all!!)This year, I started earlier and got to fit in many more books from my holiday horror wish list. Two of this year’s reads are fighting for the top spot on my Happy List – A Very StrangeHouse Christmasis one of the two.

Kafka’s Run byBilly Tea: The Kafka’s are Gift Heads & they’re in the run. Gift Heads are a slave race to the fat man. Raised in prison camps, tended to by elves, and eventually beheaded when they reach maturity. Their severed gift-heads are offered as sacrifice to appease the tiny Earth Gods. Fantastic story.

Do Not Buyby MP Johnson: A ‘Tickle This’ kind of story! Quick, gross, and wonderful!

The Unlistedby Jesse Wheeler: YOU WANT NAUGHTY? You got it with this story! Sex, debauchery, violence, & more!

Image from the security camera in the Women’s Plus Size dressing rooms

Things in here had me cracking up (in between a gag, or a cringe) – one hilarious fact about these elves… they shit the cookie dough that Mrs. Claus bakes for Santa. When TSHTF, there’s a line about an elf who got so scared “he nearly nogged his pants”!! (It makes perfect sense that they pee egg nog, if they shit dough, right?!) WARM & FRESH!

Dear Santa Clausby K.M. Tepe:A letter to Santa from the Naughty K.M. Tepe – If I were the fat man, I’d make sure every item on that list was specially delivered with added bows made of cash…

Think twice before leaving me coal again, ya Prick!!

*Message for K.M. Tepe: Ever since I opened up my very first MySpace account, I’ve used the same line in the About Me section of practically every account – still using it today. After reading your bio in the back of this book, I just wanted to make a note of it just in case you see it yourself somewhere. There’s no “This town ain’t big enough fir the both of us” reasoning or mentality behind this note – It’s more like a brunch invitation! If you’re ever in Detroit, look me up… we can hang out in the alley behind Poetry Slam, guzzling coffee, and poking the corpse of Wino Willie!

Blood On The Highwayby Lindsey Goddard: The anguish of a mother’s loss is not bound by species. A woman, her husband, and his brother are driving through a terrible storm, on they’re way for what was supposed to be a relaxing holiday. This is a very good SS! I’m hoping that Lindsey sees this and can recommend a better pic – one that looks like the inside of her brain!

*This is an image that I found on a Google Image Search – It does not reflect the authors imagery in any way

Kathi the Sexy Elfby Rich Bottles Jr.: A department store Santa, who is following in his dad’s footprints as the jolly fat man for the same store, decides to do something remarkably sweet for his ‘Helper’ this year. The helper, Kathi, makes a very sexy elf, and she has some surprises of her own in store for Santa…I can’t wait to read some of the stories in Rich’s ‘humorrorotica‘ genre! Some links are provided at the bottom.

Christmas with the Familyby Jonathan Byrd:This one should be called“A FUCKED UP FAMILY CHRISTMAS”.Other Jonathan Byrd titles on Amazon include –BIG, The Jar, UNSHACKLED, and The Mommies Club. But, after reading this short, I’m not entirely convinced that it’s the same guy!! 🙂

The Witch who Fucked Christmasby Kevin Strange: This story is a tie in to one of Kev’s movies, but it stands alone just fine. Set in STRANGEVILLE, ILLINOIS, a worn out & broke down Santa is about to go head to head with The Hag of Horrors herself – Sasparilla, The Weed Witch. The victor will hold the bag that contains all the magic of Christmas. But, you can’t expect the Hag of Horrors to play fair… can you?Nixon and Hogan Smoke Christmas YouTube trailerHack Films / Kevin Strange on YouTube

I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsdayby Mike Lombardo: Save the best for last, Kev? Yeah. I’m going to get this review posted, then go slit my wrists. xxoo ♥

After Notes, Links, & Other Randomly Strange[House] Fun

I’ve been adding and updating this section since the original post, and I’m still not finished. I would like to include as much info as possible for each author that is/was involved with SHB while the books below were published. This section will eventually become a StrangeHouse Spotlight Page **If YOU are one of those authors, please – contact me! I’d like to post any info/links that you would like fans to know about!!***

Other Books from Rich Bottles Jr.‘LUMBERJACKED‘“[…] makes Deliverance look like a family raft trip down the Lower Gauley”‘Hellhole West Virginia‘“Eco-friendly vampires, beach-yearning zombies and sex-starved she-devils.”‘The Manacled‘“What happens when twin brothers lease out the former West Virginia State Penitentiary with the false purpose of filming a documentary on supernatural phenomena, but their true intention is to make a pornographic movie? Chaos ensues as the disturbed spirits of murdered convicts, along with the reanimated dead from the neighboring Indian Burial Mound, take their vengeance on the unwary and undressed trespassers. Zombies, ghosts, mobsters and porn collide in this bizarro tale from horror author Rich Bottles Jr.”*I HAVE TO GET THIS BOOK!* (Update – Rich sent me a copy of this, along with some awesome author swag! Thanks, Rich!!)

Check out ‘Gross-Out Author’ Jesse Wheeler’sDinner at the Vomitropolis –I have this, but haven’t had the nerve to start reading it yet.

Writer/Director/FX Artist and author of this book’s SS titled‘I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE DOOMSDAY‘– Mike “Dr.Chud” Lombardo just released‘THE STALL‘on DVD and it is ready to ship! It’s the story of a young pizza shop employee whi finds himself trapped in a public restroom during the Lovecraftian apocalypse. The DVD contains buckets of exclusive bloody extras that aren’t available on YouTube.

OZ by Brian Williams
Brilliant story! Why it hasn’t been written before now is a mystery to me. Maybe it’s because of that pesky ‘Going straight to Hell’ thing (?) I don’t know. It’s written now, and I’m pleased to know that I’ll be hanging out with Brian Williams when I die. I’ve heard that the coffee shops in Hades are lovely.

BABY ARMOUR by D.F. Noble
A Nascar fan with a gaggle of babies finds the perfect way to get some money. Never mind how drunk he was when he came up with the plan. Not for sensitive readers – take the title literally, and read at your own risk. I can seperate IRL from fiction, and I cringed – while giggling.

PLAY PLACE by Mike Lombardo
Those playscapes at Mickey D’s are disgusting pits of children’s ooze, but this one turned out to be a safe haven for the workers when the SHTF. How long do you think you could survive in the claustrophobic tunnels before you could escape safely, or the zeds got to you?

THIS is how you look to the zombies!!

FLUSH by K.M. Tepe
This one is terrifying. I always look in the toilet now, especially since the spider incident of ’91. This brought back all those rational/irrational fears. I grew to love the little sister in this story, and can picture them growing up in a few years – into a Sam & Dean Winchester relationship, and business.

THE JOB by Quinn Hernandez
A zombie hunter with a low moral code will get rid of your dead kid problem… because the younger they are, the more profit he gets. As long as they’re still undead upon delivery. Hey – it’s a dog eat dog world these days!

HUMMANIFACTION by Mandy DeGeit
This is a really interesting ss – and I’m a little torn about telling you about it, or letting you read it to find out yourself. It’s very short, so I think I’ll let you read it without any spoilers. The title makes sense 😉

FELICITY MARMADUKE by Rich Bottles Jr.
Felicity is a bit fucked in the head, but not enough to be punished the way that she was. A morgue worker who got a bit frisky had the unthinkable happen to her. While trying to fix the situation, she was a little too free with her speech. An unfortunate thing, because her doctor ratted her out.

UNDYING URGES by Jesse Wheeler
Henry is quite into his necrophilia. In fact, he’s pretty sick compared to other necros I’ve read about. Frugal to a fault, he looks longingly at his gooey puddle o’ Brenda with affection, and decides to give her one more round on the Henry stick before disposing of her. It’s only now that he realizes how special she is.

SALTY by Justin Roberts
Oh, balls. This zombie story is close to my reason for human infection. Not close enough for me to not finish it, but… Bath Salts is an awesome segue ever since the Florida Face Eater.
Besides… I like saying ‘balls’ at numerous times throughout the day.
Kenny, and Stanley are trying Bath Salts for the first time. Kenny’s experience is a bit more enjoyable than Stanley’s!

PACK-RAT or –THE WAY OF ALL FLESH – A Parable by John Bruni
This feels like a true love story 웃❤유
These zombies are not like the movies, and it’s not Humans VS Zeds.

RIGHTS OF THE LIVING DEAD by David Hayes
Karen works at The Careful Solutions Abortion Clinic. When the SHTF, you can imagine what type of reanimated corpses invade Karen’s Territorial Bubble!

ZOMBIES OF EAST JESUS by Jesse Wheeler
The zombies came because those damn fool kids never learn. No respect for other people’s property, and an urge to see some boobs brought on the apocalypse. I could think of worse things.

Over the next six weeks, they’ll be giving away three free eBooks, followed by the release of three brand new, (highly anticipated), SHB titles, all in the summer of 2014! This week’s promo runs until Sunday July 14th.

Rejected cover art – traumatizing to adult readers.

Keven Strange kicks off the event with his dystopian fantasy novelette THE HUMANS UNDER THE BED. It’s been described as “Monsters, Inc. meets Full Metal Jacket if directed by David Cronenberg.”

500 years after monsters wiped out the human race, a quiet calm has settled over the population of nightmare creatures that go bump in the night. They work their monster jobs, raise their monster families, tend to their monster homes, and generally enjoy the peace and prosperity of life without their sworn enemies, the human scourge, that so blighted the land for so many centuries.
In fact, the only inhabitants of this new monster world that even still speak of human kind are the children who share hushed secret fairy tales about evil humans coming up from underneath their beds, pulling the little monsters to their deaths. But of course these are just stories. Of course all the awful humans are dead. Or are they?

Action packed dumbass, zombie killing, booze hounding, jiggly tits, of action full of super action! Beer Run of the Dead is the first book in a series sure to quench your thirst.
Follow Kip, Rock and Steady, as they struggle to survive and stay completely shit faced in the face of certain undead doom. These three unlikely heroes hold the key to humanity’s salvation, but will they succeed being inebriated as they are? Not everyone who saves the world is a rocket scientist, a super hero, or a handsome actor turned politician. Sometimes people who save the world… they’re fucking idiots.

New beer label cover from Rooster Republic Press

I really gotta tell ya, I’ve been a bit zombied out lately. Add to that the fact that I can’t get the end to my zombie SS written, and… it kind of bums me out. SOO… it took me a little while to open this book up. But, once I did – I couldn’t put it down!
Beer Run Of The Dead has made it’s way into my top five favorite zombie stories. Ever. (Sharing spots with Tonia, and Cal – you know who I go on and on about!).
The saviors of mankind in this story, our warriors of booze & justice, are Rock, Steady, & Kip – these are friends of yours. Whether you know them now, or knew them in your past, I’ll bet that at least 80% of us picture that friend when reading this. Take a bit of everyone’s favorite unlikely hero – Ash, (Bruce Campbell), get him FUBAR, and then double the humor – and that’s what I want you to expect when you start BRotD.
I don’t know what else to tell you about the plot without ruining the story for you, but I think what has already been said in the synopsis is enough. I made so many notes and highlights while reading – but I can’t let you in on all of it!! I can’t NOT touch on some of it, though.Soft warning here… (not like an EBS warning, more like the required weekly test of the EBS.) The remainder of this post contains bits that are kind of spoilers – but only spoilers for scenes, not spoilers for the story line.

Some of my favorite things in this book…

There is a ‘shit & slide’ – (you’ll see!), Cartman quotes, and a woman who gets beat with her own dildo – (and loses her teeth from it)!
Kip’s mom has a muscley bf, who is like any newcomer into a relationship with a teenager – he is trying way to hard to be buddy-buddy, and trying even harder to be cool. That makes him an instant d-bag, you know the type. He is gonna be a bro! Well, first thing he does is shotguns a hit of his joint to Kip, and his reaction is the first thing that had me dying. Kip goes to his room alone & thinks

“My head feels like an electric blanket with a fan blowing. Fuck I’m hungry. Fuck I wanna nap. Maybe I should call grandma sometime, it’s been a while…”

– I’m just cracking up – I know your pain, bro!!

Here’s something to let you into my head, to show how goofy my brain works…
In chapter 3, (at about 9% in) -when TSHTF, there’s a line that says… “A thick wall of smoke rolls steadily down the street…”
I highlighted ‘smoke rolls steadily down the street…’, and I made a note so I’d remember to tell you guys (and the author) that I automatically sang that to QUEEN’s ‘Another One Bites The Dust’. I had it stuck in my head for the rest of the day, and now that I’m re-living the moment… it’s back. So… this is your mandatory ear-rape. Now you’ll have it stuck in your head, too.
Not long after the Jock Jams 57 sing-a-long, still at about nine percent, there is a scene that had me literally laughing out loud, and I had to read it to my husband –
The scene itself is utterly hilarious.
Add the fact that I’ve been working a full time McJob since the GM layoffs and it turned to pure comedy gold!

There is a guy ordering breakfast in the drive-thru of a fast food joint. The customer, Mike, is the epitome of ‘that guy’. The asshole customer who wants something to be wrong, so he can bitch. If there is nothing wrong, he’ll make something up. (Remember… TSHTF moment has already begun, things are blowing up, sirens going off – and he’s pissed about having to wait to order). Already irrationally upset, when he orders a Coke but the place only carries Pepsi – he starts to lose his shit, and then the real fun begins!

“Is Pepsi all right?”
“What? No, I won’t drink that shit. Give me a Sprite instead.”
“Is Sierra Mist okay?”
“Are you fucking serious? What is this shit?”
“So, a Sierra Mist?”
“No, I said are you seri—“
“One Sierra Mist, got it. So we have two biscuits and gravy, two hash—“
“I don’t want a goddamn Sierra Mist! Listen, jackass, I want—“
This time, it isn’t the pimple-faced kid on the other side of the speaker distracting the Cardinals fan, but an ambulance that comes wailing down the street from out of nowhere. Weaving in and out of traffic, the thing is all over the road, hopping the curb before finally nailing a car at the intersection. Glass shatters, metal buckles, and the car does a near three-sixty before colliding with oncoming traffic.
“Frikkin’ shit!” the Cardinals fan exclaims.
“Sorry sir, we don’t carry Mr. Pibb.” (bah ha ha!)
– stuff happens, more stuff happens, and then…
“What the fuck is going on…” the Cardinals fan softly moans, from the relative safety of his car.
“Excuse me, sir, did you say foot-long hot dog?”

Last funny that I’m going to point out is when Kip meets Rock & Steady. They’ve been through a lot already, and
Kip describes some things he’d had to do when TSHTF. Rock & Steady seem sympathetic, and they proceed to tell Kip about how/why they’d had to kill their girlfriends when the end of the world started…
I don’t want to ruin all my favorite parts for you, so I’m just making a note to say… don’t miss it!

D.F. Noble is a hell of a writer.
He has three stories in the SHB anthology STRANGE SEX.
His SS CINNAMON had a sci-fi edge to it, and reminded me of an old movie I once saw called (I think…) CHERRY 2000.
His SS INTERLOPER is about the big guy upstairs seducing the women on earth, and the SS FOREIGNER, well… FOREIGNER made me gag. A lot.
All the shorts in SCARY FUCKING STORIES were great, too. Plus, I feel like I got a little peek inside his head.
What I’m saying is this – he’s not a guy you can jam into one category. Multi-genre, multi-talent.

Note to Don and/or Arthur…
Those shots of tequila at the end… are they Cabo Wabo Blue agave tequila? I’m going to imagine that – YES, THEY ARE! Will also assume that they’ll have some Hagar-Miester to mix with Red Bull for some power shots 😉

Whats the F stand for? Don Fuckin Noble, that’s what!
No, but… you believed for a second, didn’t ya?
The introduction to this book is enough to weird you out and give you the heebie-jeebies! The imagery of the cover art will stick with you, and pop up during your most vulnerable moments.

My sisters are to blame for my mirror-phobic episodes. The Bloody Mary torture sessions I endured as a kid resulted in my not being able to have a mirror in my bedroom. When I was young, and didn’t have a choice about it, I’d ‘tent’ my covers – blocking my view of the mirror in the center of the wall, opposite the two twin beds. That worked until The Satanic Step Sisters decided to take it up a notch. SSS#1 laid in the bed next to mine, whispering stories and chanting Bloody Mary, while SSS#2 slithered into our room, unnoticed on our hardwood floors, and then directly underneath my bed.
I don’t remember much after SSS#2 reached up and grabbed my ankle.
The nurse told me the blood wasn’t mine.
When I woke up screaming in that stark white, harsh room – cold & covered in blood… I thought I was dead.
The doctor, the one who gave me the pills, told me that he was going to help me remember.

Holy shit! I think I just started my next short story. If I work it correctly, with some help from my Grizz, it could be the prequel to PHOBOPHOBIA.

It was true up to the ankle grab.
I told you that to tell you this… that mirror-phobia is back after reading SCARY FUCKING STORIES. I got out of bed to go to the bathroom, and I felt the terror I felt as a kid. I knew, KNEW, that if I had the balls to look into the mirror above the sink – something would be looking back at me.

Book Description
Publication Date: January 8, 2014Just beyond the small bandwidth of light our nervous systems can filter, there are worlds, there is life in the dark. Those moments where you swear something is watching you. Those moments you swore someone has called your name, but you find yourself alone… You are more than happy to tell your children of angels, but you speak in hushed tones of demons. From the Dark, I bring you… Scary Fucking Stories. With amazing cover art done by Gabriel Wyse!

THE CELLAR:
A young boy tells a psychiatrist about the root-cellar in the shed of his new home. The way it looks, the way it makes him feel, and the friends he meets while he’s down there.

THROUGH THE WALLS:
A babysitter, on trial for the disappearance of the little boy she was watching, goes bat-shit while out on bail. That earns her a trip to the psych ward, and a possible way out of the mess she’s in.
I read this as a bonus story in a different SHB book, and it was still creepy on the second read. As much as I hate movie remakes, the new Amityville Horror (with Ryan Reynolds) had that scene of the babysitter in the closet with Jody – much more intense than the glowing red eyes from the original. This story gave me the feeling I got from that scene. ::shudders::

LOOP ROAD:
Steven Brooks is back in his home-town after years away. The road he’s on still feels familiar, memories of good times are on his mind, and – BAM! Airbag! Who the hell would park there?! Someone with good taste, apparently. It’s the same kind of car. Where’s the other driver?
This one gets more and more disturbing as it goes.

CONTACT SCHEMATIC:
If this is is really a non-fiction call for participants – my reply is a polite Hell The Fuck No.
Seeing something, actually seeing – not just feeling, or believing – might send me over the edge, to possibly never return. My imagination is already conjuring up images like scenes from Th13teen Ghosts, and Cabin in the Woods… terrifying imagery of ‘things’. Waiting. Just beyond the only thing that separates us. The one thin layer of glass…* I’m 100% totally & absolutely ready to read about the results of this project, and if you need a beta – PLEASE let me know. Thanks for the nightmares.

WAIT IN LINE:
Bruce the Greek God of Haircuts can’t save you from the horrors that the new, green planet have in store for you.

DEAD WRONG:
Jack is an asshole. He breaks the law and probably gets you killed – just to say… “You’re wrong. I win.”

JAMES:
After her mom died, and her father went to the bin, Samantha went to live with her aunt & uncle. That’s when the nightmares began – and that’s when James appeared.

THE PEN OR SWORD, THE GHOST OR GUN:
“I am Consequence. I am the Blade of Karma. And I’m coming for you.” Wow. Amazing story of a man who goes all-in for revenge, and the consequences of his actions. “The world will end. Not with a bang, but with the closet door, creaking open in the night.”

BLOOD TIDE:
All Paul wanted was a nice, hot cup of extreme caffeine. What he got was a half-melted face and a front row seat to a nightmare played through the windows of the gas station.

DOOR MAN:
“There are places where the sun never sets, and places where it never rises. But, most importantly, there are gates. Doorways between worlds.”
One of those doorways is this story – and Lee is about to risk his sanity, and possibly his life, to go beyond and find his son.
Info on Blackfoot/Cherokee HERE.

NIGHT CAP:
A story of stories to open your mind.

**I’m still waitin on that book of psychedelics, Don. And, just a little side-note… ***Erowid/Erowid Center is a dot org, and the story lists it as a dot com. Not a big deal at all, just a FF. (For you, and the book, I’m gonna add a third F. to that – #FunFuckingFact)

With BONUS STORY – THE HAIRY CHICKEN by Kevin Strange

* A note to the author.
** Another note to D.F.
*** Erowid, also called Erowid Center, is a 501(c)(3) non-profit educational organization that provides information about psychoactive plants and chemicals as well as activities that can produce altered states of consciousness such as meditation and lucid dreaming.
Erowid documents legal and illegal substances, including their intended and adverse effects. Information on Erowid.org is gathered from diverse sources including published literature, experts in related fields, and the experiences of the general public. Erowid acts as a publisher of new information as well as a library for the collection of documents and images published elsewhere.

What if Joseph wasn’t the first man to be cuckolded by God? What if there was a cult of adulterated men who would do anything to kill him for fucking their wives into useless shells of nymphoid lust? What if a woman possessed was so utterly tormented, that the only way to save her soul was to perform a Sexorcism? What if a scaticallogically inclined man found a way to pleasure himself with bed bugs? What if a woman fell in love with a dinosaur? What if a seemingly innocent Furry gangbang turned out to be a mating ritual for a tribe of nomadic cannibal were-teddy bears? These questions and many more will be answered when StrangeHouse books takes you on a journey unlike any you’ve ever seen before with their debut anthology of strange erotic horror fiction, “Strange Sex”. 13 tales of erotic fiction from Kevin Strange, D.F. Noble, Rich Bottles, Jr., David C. Hayes, Elizabeth Hetherington and more exciting authors of today’s strangest fiction.

INTERLOPER: D.F. Noble
Louie (aka Lucifer) is not human, but he is the one who loves us, the earth and its creatures. Not the other guy. Not… The One. He hates us. The One will stop at nothing to exact his vengeance, and is destroying us in the process.
Even if that means seducing your wife to the point that nothing or nobody can ever satisfy her again. Louie is trying to get the help he needs to put an end to the madness.

LOVE BITES:David C. Hayes
Andy Crank, like most of the population, has a fetish. But, it is not the everyday, slap & tickle variety. It’s the kind that makes your wife divorce you. It’s the kind that even prostitutes won’t look at you. Andy likes feces. Literally. Touching it, playing with it, being bombarded with it. Andy wants to be life’s fan when everything is going wrong.
If you have the type of fetish that nobody wants to take part in, you need to come up with some kind of idea to feed your needs, right? Well, Andy has just that. And it is a doozy!

PULMONARY ED:Rich Bottles Jr.
How many times have you set off the metal detector? Have you ever thought that it might be rigged? Surely you don’t have anything on you that would set It off… maybe it’s broke. Maybe it’s purposely mis-calibrated to scare you… scare you into doing just about anything, as long as they will let you get back to your son.

APPETITES:Mike Lombardo
If you’re bored, single, and looking for some fun this Valentine’s Day, be cautious! Stay away from Cyber Cupid – It’s not all fun, and kinky games! You may go on a date planning to curb your sexual appetite, but end up feeding someone/something else’s true appetites!

FOREIGNER:D.F. Noble
“It tastes just how it looks, like shit.”
This one made me gag! So many gags!
This guy ain’t from around here, but he seems down for all kinds of freaky stuff! He is a little peculiar, his tastes are even more peculiar, (and I don’t think I’m going to be eating again any time soon, if ever). He wears your skin bag like a cheap suit & goes to his new home, smiling your smile, and shows his undying love to ‘his’ [new] family.
Honest to Dog, I thought that scat was the limit – but I found out that there’s something worse in my mind. ::shivers:: (Hint – it has a core!) Aghhh… stop it. Mr. Noble, there’s something wrong with you! (Jk)

THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE:Amanda Williams
The Rori, a highly intelligent alien race resembling earth ‘s extinct dinosaurs, came to earth – in peace, and have lived harmoniously with the human race for about 20 years. Rose, who was just a child when they arrived, has always been fascinated by the Rori. She’s about to find out if her anatomy knowledge is up to par when she spends some private time with Tor.

DETH MORGUE:Elisabeth Hetherington
Morianna begins working at the morgue as Deth’s assistant, and although she’s an actress – she fits in (with the job, and her boss) right away. She sees something strange with her very first corpse, and persues it in an unconventional manner.

VAGARY:Justin Roberts
Noun.
1. an unpredictable or erratic action, occurrence, course, or instance: the vagaries of weather; the vagaries of the economic scene. (vagaries of sexual depravity…)
2. a whimsical, wild, or unusual idea, desire, or action.
3. Possibly my fave ss in this anthology. I think the ‘setting’ has a novel just waiting to be written around it.
Perhaps the Strangehouse crew could borrow the style of extreme horror authors Keene, Lee, Ketchum, Smith, Gonzalez, White, Southard, Harding, & McKenzie? Give The Palace a new address – at ‘SIXTY NINE STIRRUP-IRON ROAD’!
Who’s with me on this?

FUCK OR FEAST:Craig Mullins
In a post-apocalyptic world filled with wastelands and mutants, every day is a fight for survival. But, would you fight knowing you will lose, or submit to the horrors to survive – even if surviving meant losing your sanity?

CINNAMON:D.F. Noble
The year is 2032, and the first self-aware Android has risen up to declare war on mankind. Cinnamon leads the Robot Rebellion of 2032, and until robots are given human rights – no human Will be safe!
You can watch a clip of D.F. Noble reading his story –
Every time I see this story, I hear that song by Bloodhound Gang – ‘Foxtrot, Uniform, Charlie, Kilo’, (and giggle).

COTTON CANDY:Kevin Strange
Mr. Pillinghast asked the girls from his Literature class to meet him after being on personal leave for two months. When they arrived at his old classroom, Mr. P was nowhere to be found. There were a variety of Plushy costumes in the room, as well as a manuscript, written by Mr. P, detailing the strange fate that has befallen him.

LIPS:Jesse Wheeler
Dale heard the words coming from the old gypsy woman…
“Tooti! Lel, naswalemos! Tshor, prikasa, mulo!” he was frightened. But, it wasn’t until she touched him that he really freaked out. Touched him, and uttered the one word he did understand… “Liipsss”
This is another of my favorites from this collection.

THE SEXORCIST:Kyle Noble
Father Callaghan is setting up to perform a rather unorthodox exorcism (sexorcism), and Priest Briggs is having some difficulty assisting. Once convinced that this is not the rape of a young girl, but the salvation of her eternal soul – well, he’s down for all the depravity!
Things keep taking unexpected turns, and the ending isn’t so happy for anyone.

Bonus Story –THROUGH THE WALLS is a SS by D.L. Noble, from the SCARY FUCKING STORIES collection. I won’t say much this time around, because I’ve finished that book already, too – I just need to organize my thoughts. I will tell you… get that book, too!
And be on the lookout for STRANGE SEX 2!
It’s on the horizon, with all the entries submitted – it needs to be finalized, then all the stuff that we don’t know about in between writing a story & getting it published. Boo! That takes too long! But, editing is important – so I won’t cry too loudly. Hell, if it were me putting anthologies together – you’d be waiting an extra year while I tried to decide in which order I wanted the stories to be! Thank Dog there’s professionals out there!!

I’ve completed my [Goodreads] ˙·٠•●♥ 2013 Reading Challenge ♥●•٠·˙– (ahead of schedule, and beyond my personal goal – go, me!) But, I’m still sitting here wishing I had read so much more! I need more time! More hours in the day, more days in the week… UGH! It’s so frustrating! I started reading titles from StrangeHouse Books in 2013, and I wish I could say that I’m ending this year all caught up, that I’ve devoured them all quicker than aCannibal in Fat Camp!::sigh:: That, however, is not the case. But, it gives me a goal for 2014!!

“This collection of 9 twisted tales of Christmas horror brings together weirdo literary talent from around the world, all with the sole purpose of turning the most sacred of holidays on its head, and making sweet, sweet love to its defenseless ear holes!”

“Join SHB ring leader Kevin Strange, as well as StrangeHouse anthology alumni Rich Bottles Jr., Jesse Wheeler, KM Tepe, and newcomers like Lindsey Goddard and MP Johnson on this sometimes magical, always fucked up journey to the north pole. We promise you’ll never look at Christmas the same way ever again!”

For last year’s‘HOLIDAY HORROR BINGE & PURGE’event, my main Holiday book to read, and review, wasA HACKED-UP HOLIDAY MASSACRE. (It turned out to be a book of all holidays, not just Christmas, but ‘Irreverent Merriment, Diabolical Debauchery, and Gory Good Times‘ were had by all!!)This year, I started earlier and got to fit in many more books from my holiday horror wish list. Two of this year’s reads are fighting for the top spot on my Happy List – A Very StrangeHouse Christmasis one of the two.

Kafka’s Run byBilly Tea: The Kafka’s are Gift Heads & they’re in the run. Gift Heads are a slave race to the fat man. Raised in prison camps, tended to by elves, and eventually beheaded when they reach maturity. Their severed gift-heads are offered as sacrifice to appease the tiny Earth Gods. Fantastic story.

Do Not Buyby MP Johnson: A ‘Tickle This’ kind of story! Quick, gross, and wonderful!

The Unlistedby Jesse Wheeler: YOU WANT NAUGHTY? You got it with this story! Sex, debauchery, violence, & more!

Image from the security camera in the Women’s Plus Size dressing rooms

Things in here had me cracking up (in between a gag, or a cringe) – one hilarious fact about these elves… they shit the cookie dough that Mrs. Claus bakes for Santa. When TSHTF, there’s a line about an elf who got so scared “he nearly nogged his pants”!! (It makes perfect sense that they pee egg nog, if they shit dough, right?!) WARM & FRESH!

Dear Santa Clausby K.M. Tepe:A letter to Santa from the Naughty K.M. Tepe – If I were the fat man, I’d make sure every item on that list was specially delivered with added bows made of cash…

Think twice before leaving me coal again, ya Prick!!

*Message for K.M. Tepe: Ever since I opened up my very first MySpace account, I’ve used the same line in the About Me section of practically every account – still using it today. After reading your bio in the back of this book, I just wanted to make a note of it just in case you see it yourself somewhere. There’s no “This town ain’t big enough fir the both of us” reasoning or mentality behind this note – It’s more like a brunch invitation! If you’re ever in Detroit, look me up… we can hang out in the alley behind Poetry Slam, guzzling coffee, and poking the corpse of Wino Willie!

Blood On The Highwayby Lindsey Goddard: The anguish of a mother’s loss is not bound by species. A woman, her husband, and his brother are driving through a terrible storm, on they’re way for what was supposed to be a relaxing holiday. This is a very good SS! I’m hoping that Lindsey sees this and can recommend a better pic – one that looks like the inside of her brain!

*This is an image that I found on a Google Image Search – It does not reflect the authors imagery in any way

Kathi the Sexy Elfby Rich Bottles Jr.: A department store Santa, who is following in his dad’s footprints as the jolly fat man for the same store, decides to do something remarkably sweet for his ‘Helper’ this year. The helper, Kathi, makes a very sexy elf, and she has some surprises of her own in store for Santa…I can’t wait to read some of the stories in Rich’s ‘humorrorotica‘ genre! Some links are provided at the bottom.

Christmas with the Familyby Jonathan Byrd:This one should be called“A FUCKED UP FAMILY CHRISTMAS”.Other Jonathan Byrd titles on Amazon include –BIG, The Jar, UNSHACKLED, and The Mommies Club. But, after reading this short, I’m not entirely convinced that it’s the same guy!! 🙂

The Witch who Fucked Christmasby Kevin Strange: This story is a tie in to one of Kev’s movies, but it stands alone just fine. Set in STRANGEVILLE, ILLINOIS, a worn out & broke down Santa is about to go head to head with The Hag of Horrors herself – Sasparilla, The Weed Witch. The victor will hold the bag that contains all the magic of Christmas. But, you can’t expect the Hag of Horrors to play fair… can you?Nixon and Hogan Smoke Christmas YouTube trailerHack Films / Kevin Strange on YouTube

I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsdayby Mike Lombardo: Save the best for last, Kev? Yeah. I’m going to get this review posted, then go slit my wrists. xxoo ♥

After Notes, Links, & Other Randomly Strange[House] Fun

I’ve been adding and updating this section since the original post, and I’m still not finished. I would like to include as much info as possible for each author that is/was involved with SHB while the books below were published. This section will eventually become a StrangeHouse Spotlight Page **If YOU are one of those authors, please – contact me! I’d like to post any info/links that you would like fans to know about!!***

Other Books from Rich Bottles Jr.‘LUMBERJACKED‘“[…] makes Deliverance look like a family raft trip down the Lower Gauley”‘Hellhole West Virginia‘“Eco-friendly vampires, beach-yearning zombies and sex-starved she-devils.”‘The Manacled‘“What happens when twin brothers lease out the former West Virginia State Penitentiary with the false purpose of filming a documentary on supernatural phenomena, but their true intention is to make a pornographic movie? Chaos ensues as the disturbed spirits of murdered convicts, along with the reanimated dead from the neighboring Indian Burial Mound, take their vengeance on the unwary and undressed trespassers. Zombies, ghosts, mobsters and porn collide in this bizarro tale from horror author Rich Bottles Jr.”*I HAVE TO GET THIS BOOK!* (Update – Rich sent me a copy of this, along with some awesome author swag! Thanks, Rich!!)

Check out ‘Gross-Out Author’ Jesse Wheeler’sDinner at the Vomitropolis –I have this, but haven’t had the nerve to start reading it yet.

Writer/Director/FX Artist and author of this book’s SS titled‘I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE DOOMSDAY‘– Mike “Dr.Chud” Lombardo just released‘THE STALL‘on DVD and it is ready to ship! It’s the story of a young pizza shop employee whi finds himself trapped in a public restroom during the Lovecraftian apocalypse. The DVD contains buckets of exclusive bloody extras that aren’t available on YouTube.