Happy Ending

The Supreme Court case of Ming’s House of Pleasure v. The state of Maine has ruled in favor of Ming’s in a shocking 7-3 vote. The Supreme Court of The United States has ruled that “happy endings” can be considered a legitimate massage procedure, and in no way should be considered prostitution.

”This case has been a court favorite for a while now,” said Court reporter Luis DeJesus. “The Justices asked to hear testimony from all 15 of Ming’s massage therapists. The early goings of the case did not look good for Ming, but the turning point of the case came when Ming offered the justices each a free massage.”

“The day of the free massage was the only time I ever saw Ruth smile,” said Ruth Ginsburg aide Sarah Nicole. ”I knew the men would enjoy it, but who knew the old girl was a freak?”

“The happy ending was a real pleasure,” said Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. “I had my reservations, but once I experienced it, I had a change of heart. I can see how it’s the perfect ending to a relaxing massage. To think this was considered prostitution is outrageous. Now that I’ve experienced it, I can’t think of anything more natural than a good ol’ fashioned to finish off a good deep tissue massage.”

“Well, it’s about time those old bastards finally got something right,” said frequent Ming’s patron Carmine Classi. ”Now my wife can’t give me hell when I go to Chinatown for a little release. Shit, now that it’s legal and I don’t have to worry about the cops busting in, I’ll probably go 3 or 4 times a week instead of my usual 2.”

A Boston Chinese restaurant in Chinatown is offering a new, yet bizarre way to pack the seats at their buffet. King Kong Feast, a restaurant that has been a staple in the city for years but has lately seen a slip in business, is now offering a ‘Happy Ending’ with each meal purchase.

Although the numbers had been steadily decreasing, customers say it is because they have a new chef, and their chicken teriyaki on a stick hasn’t been the same since the change last September.

“We thought we’d offer our customers something they wouldn’t receive at any other restaurant,” said Lee Chow, owner of King Kong Feast buffet. “With this new change, we notice that our customers have been returning more frequently, and that new customers are coming more and more.”

“Personally, I don’t mind the handjob, but do they really have to use MSG grease as the lube?” said customer Mark R., who asked us to keep his last name private. “To be honest, they don’t have to go to these lengths. They just need to bring back their old recipe for their chicken teriyaki on a stick. Those things were delicious.”

Chow said he isn’t concerned with local police, because he says that all police officers are allowed to eat for free, and get the full ‘benefits’ as any paying customer.

“We have policemen who eat here all the time and they love our food and services. It’s a good relief for a lunch break. They have a stressful job, you know,” said Chow. “‘l’ve even been known to do the happiness myself for them, to show my appreciation for their hard work. These men love our foods, and they love our happy endings, too!”

The King Kong Feast buffet is open 7 days a week from 11am-10pm, and they say they don’t discriminate with the happy endings. “Women love a good rub-out after a meal, too!” said Chow.