lbum notes: It’s your boy, D. William Swygart’s not doing the chart rundown this week, so Stylus’ editorship has roped me in to doing this. I’m meant to be doing an essay on the fluidity of representations of women’s bodies in literature, with particular focus to Sappho and Margaret Atwood. Instead, I’m being forced to listen to and say something interesting about Phixx. Cheers guys.

Anyway, album chart, and it’s a “grey” day LOLOLDPEOPLE as your new entries in the top 40 are Barbra Dickson (35), Teddy Pendergrass (26), Barry Manilow (11), Engelbert Humperdinck (7), Harry Connick Jr (6), Lionel Richie (5), and Daniel O’Donnell (3). Yes, the youngest new entry in the album charts is Harry Connick Jr. What this proves, apart from my mum has obviously been buying albums this week, God knows. Expect Alexis Petridis to write a tedious as cock article about it in The Guardian this week, though.

Melua and Jones keep repping it for the young ones at the top of the chart, however. Also of note, Fiddy Sen is a mere one chart position away from the Scissor Sisters. LOLHOMOPHOBIA.

New entries outside the top 20 Graham Coxon #37 (Geeky as fuck ex-Blur type puts down the twelve-sided dice for a few minutes in order to record the first 7 inch single to make the top forty in two whole years. MIT GUITARS!), Gomez #36 (Useless popular with students types that somehow contrived to win the Mercury Prize continue their deserved slide into obscurity. Dizzee Rascal, say hello to your future), Jungle Boys #30 (Hy-ster-i-cal charity single recorded by Lord Brockett, Neil Ruddock, and someone else who was on I’m A Celebrity, I forget.), Northern Heightz #29 (Northern House, dontcha just love it? No, me neither. Sounds like every other fucking Northern house track ever. Bring me the heads of Flip and Fill on a plate), Jet #28 (“THE LAIRIEST BAND IN ROCK!!!” declared the NME this week. They show their lairiness with a track that sounds like the fourth single off an Oasis album. Awful), #26 B2K ft Fabolous (Better than “Girlfriend”, but that’s not saying much. I’m assuming this was released in the States about seven months ago when those Arabic beats were still some hot ish, rather than some “meh” ish), #25 The Vines (nadir of new-garage movements Australians continue to inspire mass indifference in the populace despite a publicity drive that even the Cheeky Girls would say was overexposing).

THE UK TOP 20- AS BROUGHT TO YOU BY AN ITALIAN

20. LIONEL RICHIE- Just For You (NEW ENTRY)

So, yeah, little old wine drinker me is doing the charts this week due to… God knows what. And first task is to write something inspiring about Lionel Richie managing a top 20 single. The intro to this sounds exactly like “Lucky Man” by The Verve. Seriously. He’s, like, the old, rubbish Lemar. Lemar’s covered “I Believe In A Thing Called Love”. Lionel Richie’s employed a drum machine seemingly dragged out of the Tiverton Municipal Scrap Yard. Lionel loses.

19. OUTKAST- Hey Ya

In twenty years time, you’ll all be like “Do you remember where you were when Outkast finally fell out of the top 10 after 26 years?” And I’ll be like “Yes, I was doing a fucking rundown of the top 40 for some reason.” FUN FACT: The Beatles were still together when this song was first released.

18. WESTLIFE- Obvious

Five become four. If they even so much think of covering “Goodbye” by the Spice Girls to mark this occasion, they’ll become zero very quickly. If, on the other hand, they cover “The Ballad of John and Yoko”…
17. LMC VS U2- Take Me To The Clouds Above

DIE NORTHERN HOUSE DIE

16. KEANE- Somewhere Only We Know

OK, can we have the Northern house back now please? Mindlessly bland no excitement or point piano based ass-cockery. Is this the part of the rundown where I’m meant to put some football pictures in? I’m more of a wrestling fan to be honest, so I wanted to put in a picture in of former Ring of Honour owner Rob Feinstein, who was forced out of wrestling the past fortnight after being caught attempting to solicit sex with a 14 year old boy over AIM? The best line from the transcript was “lol ill pretend you said 18”. However, all Rob Feinstein pictures seem to have been pulled from the net over the past week, so here’s a picture of ROH headliner Samoa Joe with some random Japanese guy instead:

15. MARQUES HOUSTON- Clubbin’ (NEW ENTRY)

Go home, Roger.

14. BLINK 182- I Miss You

Yr man really can’t sing, can he? But, God bless him, he’s trying his best. If Alkaline Trio’s album tracks sounded like this, they’d be the best band in the world. But they don’t. So they aren’t.

13. PHIXX- Love Revolution

Boy band aimed solely at 80s retro fetishist homosexuals in “not finding sufficiently large market for product” complete non-shocker. Simon LeBon really needs to kick all their asses, especially for that bit ¾ of the way through where it suddenly turns into “Living On A Prayer” for no discernable reason.

12. JAMIE CULLUM- These Are The Days/ Frontin’ (NEW ENTRY)

Oh boy… this is the actual reason your usual review isn’t here this week. Such is the inherent awfulness of “Frontin’”, it’s actually taken time off my life listening to it in order to do this chart rundown. It’s an absolute dog of a song. Jamie Cullum, the pig-ugly UK answer to Michael Buble without any discernable talent, presence, or charisma, has helpfully “covered” a “song” by “Pharrell” “Williams”. In a lounge style.

I love lounge.

I really do.

I keep pressuring Burns and Southall to let me write massive reams of articles on the inherent dialogue between rap music and lounge. Two genres entirely devoid of expectations of instrumental ability for the performer, and thus reliant on vocal impact. Except, because they don’t have to hold a guitar at the same time, they’re allowed to be entertainers, to project personality. It’s not too much of a stretch to see the similarities between the Rat Pack and the Wu. And Frank, Dean, and Sammy are the three archetypes of the modern rapper.

Frank’s the businessman, the dodgy deals done fucking expensive type. Taste for the high life, a finger in every pie, and a basic one-man industry. Master P, P Diddy, Jay-Z, etc.

Dean’s your bad boy, your lazy yet still moving drug user with moments of clarity that just overpower you. A man who doesn’t have to rely on his charisma, but if he did, it’d be worth it. ODB, Ludacris, Lil Jon

Sammy’s Kayne West.

But this song shows none of that knowledge. This song is just a hideous cover designed solely in order to make people go “Ah! Look at that! He’s got youth cred as well!” If Daniel O’Donnell turned around tomorrow and released a cover of, oh I don’t know, “The Fake Sound of Progress”, would that be “progression”? No, of course it bloody well wouldn’t. It’d also be a fucking shitty song.

As is this. Lemar’s covered “I Believe In A Thing Called Love” recently; it’s the b-side to his last single. He turns The Darkness’ overblown glam-pomp into what sounds like the Isley Brothers drunk. That should be on my radio. This shouldn’t. Worst single of the year.

George releases his last album ever this week. Ah well. “Careless Whisper” was his first single. He’s still come nowhere near topping that in, what, 20 years now? This doesn’t come close either. Fuck him.

8. KYLIE MINOGUE- Red Blooded Woman

Two weeks in the top 10, obviously all the homosexuals realised their business wasn’t welcome with Fifty Cent and put their dollars in Kylie’s CDs instead. Eighteen months ago Kylie was some kind of critical obsession for music writers. Now she’s just an obsession for Heat writers. Shame. It’s a good song, even if it is far too pleased with itself, and sounds a little big like that one Cam’ron tune at stages.

7. JAMELIA- Thank You

I’ve interviewed Jamelia, you know? Nice girl, if not very intelligent. However… ah, we’ll come to this a bit later.

6. BLACK EYED PEAS- Hey Mama (NEW ENTRY)

“Ay yo, this is Will-I-Am from the Black Eyed Peas!” What a complete fuckwit. I actually dug “Bridging The Gap” out the other day as well, which I have from my backpacker days. That’s shit as well. We should have realised sooner. In 13 months time when DJ Dangermouse is at #1 in the charts for seven weeks with a cover of “Coming In The Air Tonight”… you’ll only have yourselves to blame.

5. ENRIQUE FEATURING KELIS- Not In Love (NEW ENTRY)

Not a 10CC cover. Actually a cover of “Like I Love You” disguised pretty badly, but… it’s OK. Considering before this track Kelly and Enny had put out a grand total of one good song between them (No, “Milkshake” IS shit), it’s an impressive achievement. They’ve now put out the grand total of one and a half good songs between them. Celebrate with the delicious taste of Pepsi.

4. PETER ANDRE- Mysterious Girl

Oh boy… As I was going to say in the Jamelia entry, my girl J was recently quoted as saying “Everyone knows that it's rubbish, everyone knew it was rubbish 10 years ago, and it's still rubbish today”. She’s not wrong. Everyone does know it’s rubbish, but instead we’re being forced, nay, cajoled into liking this song. Like a particularly sadistic PE teacher forcing the fat kids up the ropes, Chris Moyles is torturing us with this. Andre thanks Moyles for “getting this song released”, irrespective of the fact that East/West had already decided to re-release the single before I’m A Celebrity had even started. Perhaps Moyles’ next campaign could be to stop losing 1 million listeners a year on his show, huh? East 17, Whigfield… they’re all doing student union tours now. Andre thinks he’s safe. No, Andre’s been deluded into think he’s safe. In 18 months time, he’ll be back there, and if he makes any money out of his sojourn that doesn’t get siphoned up by entertainment industry leeches who are playing him like a pawn, I’ll be very very surprised. This week he announced a deal to model for discount fashion store Matalan. That really says it all.

3. JENNIFER LOPEZ- Baby I Love You (NEW ENTRY)

Sadly not a… whoever sang “Baby I Love You” cover. The Ronnettes? The Shirrelles? Who cares? This is Jennifer Lopez’s fifth single to go in at #3, which makes perfect sense really. #3 in our hearts.

2. BRITNEY SPEARS- Toxic

Oh boy… The music critics are going to be tearing the hair out with this one. Because, this means that you’re new number one single is…

1. DJ CASPER- Cha Cha Slide

Yep. DJ Casper, who looks a lot like a fat MC Hammer, has become the first person to get to #1 in his second week since Bob The Builder about three years ago. And, boy, will the pen-twitchers not like this one, being as “Toxic” was your officially designated best single of the year, and “Cha Cha Slide” is a workout routine set to what sounds like Livin’ Joy on the backing track. Me? I find the fact that this has overtaken Britney absolutely hysterical. Fuck the critics. Right foot, left stomp!