Once-upon-a-time, I sat on a Black Widow spider. Obviously, it wasn’t something I intended to do, but I was in that semi-comatose state somewhere between awake and “I was abducted by aliens last night,” when I looked at the spider in the dim, early morning light of a porta-potty, and experienced the mind/body disconnect that causes one to gulp down all manner of insects drowning in glasses of water in the wee a.m. hours. I plopped right down on top of her. Yeah, boy howdy, she bit the fire out of me. Can’t blame her…..she was minding her own business when she met a most undignified end……death by fat-ass. Truth to tell, the bite itself was unremarkable……I’ve had mosquitos chomp on me with more vampiric ferocity……. and the results of the bite were greatly negated by the fat trapped in my right thigh. According to the young, emergency room doctor, the “adipose layer” prevented the poison from entering the muscle and bloodstream, causing nothing more than mild, flu-like symptoms, a strange facial rash, and a thigh that pulsed as red and fiery as a Hawaiian volcano. Never in my entire life would I have thought I’d shout, “Hallelujah, praise the Lord! Thank You for my FAT THIGHS!” Who knew they’d actually come in handy one day?

I have come to realize that we receive a variety of “gifts” from……….wherever, and whomever…..gifts of the universe, of the “cosmos,” of God, or some other powerful, potentially divine force, of karma. Many of these “gifts” are unrecognizable as such, (fat thighs!), since they may arrive disguised as illnesses and injuries, betrayals and losses.

My mother’s wish to escape a life of loneliness, living like a hillbilly troglodyte in a nearly 10,000sq. foot house, with a dozen or so greedy raccoons for tea and friendship, was answered when she suffered a stroke in March of 2012. She spent several weeks in a hospital setting, surrounded by all manner of medical personnel. No time for loneliness in a 24 hour nursing facility where your every breath, twitch and eyeblink are monitored. And nothing fosters friendliness more quickly than having a total stranger wiping one’s butt. Mom now lives with my sister, my sister’s fiance, and a host of “angels” that show up to “senior sit” while my sister works, or when she and her fiance need a “get away” to unscramble their brains. My mother asked, and prayed for, release from loneliness. She received it, and now wants to give it back! I told her she couldn’t, and the only way she would get over her hyper-critical self-imagery would be to accept the situation in its entirety. The stroke, or rather, the “cosmic box,” housed her freedom from self-imposed solitary confinement, and the “karmaic wrappings” of vanity and pride have been stripped away, (Remember; “stranger wiping your butt!”), allowing her the opportunity to see the true insignificance of those self inflicted preoccupations.

It has taken me a great many years to finally even acknowledge my boxes of God given, cosmic offerings. One, in particular, stuffed full with a slick, accomplished liar, has taken me 36 years to accept and open. This present was, surprisingly, bestowed upon me by a whore, wrapped in flimsy layers of friendship. This tramp and my hopefully SOON to be ex-husband had been carrying on a skillfully deceptive affair for years, complete with an arsenal of hidden phones, (enough to open their own “Mom and Pop” cellphone business!), and secret bank accounts, before she decided to expose the double treachery. (I really need to get a bottle of wine, get drunk, and write a soap opera!) But, those wrappings have long since been ripped away, discarded, and other “gifts” have arrived in assorted guises.

One of the best, and more cleverly wrapped gifts, was the hypocrisy of an alleged friend. I had been warned years earlier by another acquaintance that THIS particular gift would be unwrapped in a most unpleasant manner, and that prediction proved true. Ironically, it was this pretender, so cunningly disguised as a friend, who originally had preached long and eloquently about “men’s nature” and their “need to cheat,” about “accepting, letting go.” So, as soon as the wrappings of friendship fell away, and the gifts of affectation, deceit and collusion revealed, I felt nothing but ……..well, nothing. I can remember hanging up the phone, shrugging, and thinking, “Oh, well. I’m glad that’s over,” in part because I had seen the impending delivery of THIS “box” a couple of months earlier when a member of this hypocrite’s family had conspired to further embarrass and cause me pain by making her own “run” at my husband. These “gifts” have been examined and dumped with a sigh of relief. I have come to realize that none of these people were ever worthy of my love, loyalty and friendship. Indeed, wonderful gifts to have accepted and opened, as they have facilitated my escape from worthless relationships, and false camaraderie.

It would be interesting, however, to be around when the tramp discovers that HER gift from one of the above mentioned hypocrites and faithless husband is the exact same gift that she handed me. Re-gifting at its finest! I’m sorry I won’t be there to witness the tearing of the karmaic wrappings, the ripping open of the “gift,” as well as her heart, and the ultimate discovery of HER God sent offerings of betrayal and humiliation. “Hubby,” in turn, might do well to seek out and sit on his own Black Widow…..I suspect it will be a lot less painful than what follows the unwrapping of his cosmic boxes!

I would like to say “thank you” to the liar, the whore, (there is actually more than one, but I’ll let them each believe they’re “the one!”), and the hypocrite for their communal gift of liberation. As for being appreciative of my fat thighs……………………………meh.