Editor’s Note: The Docket is proud to announce the debut of our new monthly advice column, “Savage Law.” Mel Practice will answer your questions related to life, law and anything you’d like to know. Nothing is too scandalous! Write to savagelaw@cobar.org.

Hard-hitting Attorney Wants to Tackle Judge

DEAR MEL: I’m in the Lawyers Football League and the judge I’m scheduled to appear before in the near future is the quarterback for the other team. Is it inappropriate for me to tackle him?

Sidney Sadist

Dear Sidney Sadist: How big are you? Will one hit take the judge out? If the judge does not see you make the hit, it’s not a personal foul, therefore, you escape liability. Maybe. As you well know, lawyers being lawyers, some gunner will give you up or point you out to the unfortunate judge to curry favor. And of course, you will be sanctioned. Maybe not in court on that day. But you will pay.

Legally, Rule 4.A (c) of the Lawyer’s Football League states that two hands can be placed upon any part of the body simultaneously. The player holding the football is considered down (i.e., two-hand touch football). So technically, tackling would be against the rules, thus inappropriate.Now, in the real word, if the judge is likely to rule against your client (and you know this with substantial certainty) and you have a clear shot to bring him down, I say “Carpe Diem.”

Disclaimer: The writings of this lawyer does not reflect the views or opinions of this firm. (Judge Rudolph, I’m sorry, but please believe that your injuries are NOT a result of this column!)

Do you have a question for Mel Practice? E-mail your burning question to savagelaw@cobar.org.