All Kinds of Sex

by Wendy StrgarOctober 12, 2006

People have different expectations and experiences and desires about sex. OK, stating the obvious here, but actually what I mean to say is that people in the same bed, in the same sexual experience often have totally different expectations, experiences and desires… Individual preferences are impacted by everything from our personal history to our comfort with our own body- but because language is hard to find, I think it might be helpful to offer a few categories of sexual tendencies that might help in bringing you and your partner’s experience into harmony

Here are a few agreed upon categories of mental functioning around sexual experiences: Sexual trance, Partner engagement and Role playing. Sexual trance involves focusing on body sensations. This is the kind of sex people enjoy when they want to get out of their head. You probably prefer little talk during sex, sexual experiences have an inward focus of experiencing your own sensuality. Good sex for you feels like an altered state of consciousness.

Partner engagement is all about the emotional bond between you and your partner. Couples in this space enjoy eyes open sex and have a lot of affection and romance- This is the kind of sex that romance movies and novels celebrate… Great sex is surrendering to the unity and oneness in the couple experience.

Role Playing is the theatre arts of sexual experience… Fantasies enliven and enrich the couple and are shared and acted out freely. At its best, this kind of sex is not about acting, you become your roles so completely that the experience frees you from even your own ideas. Orgasms are dramatic and expressive.

If you want to learn more about these distinctions pick up Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, the man who understands more about love and sex in committed relationships than anyone else around. The book is referred to as the modern day Masters and Johnson. It teaches me every time I read it.

Sexual encounters can mix all three of these styles, or people can be pretty committed to a single approach. Try using these categories and see if it enhances your understanding of the love you share.

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Wendy Strgar

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Also in Making Love Sustainable

It is only in the present moment – in the instant of here and now – that our experience takes on any real meaning or offers us any truth. Squandering our attention on the regrets of yesterday or the anticipation of tomorrow’s worries is how we distract ourselves from our real power and flame the fire of our deepest fears.

For the record, I am not a scientist. I got close when I married a scientist. He was all about Chemistry and Biology, and became a physician. I was always the one more intrigued by our personal chemistry, which was ultimately what tipped me over to his research at the crossroads of human biology and chemistry. Necessity was the mother of invention as I worked to find a solution to the vaginal dryness and painful sex that increasingly weighed on our interpersonal chemistry as we grew our family.

For me it is always the advent of spring, as the light returns and the Earth proclaims the green possibility of renewal everywhere, that my questions of how I am living takes on new urgency. Understanding why I act in the ways that I do, how I respond or don’t to the people in my life, and what I am creating with my time here seems the only matter of true importance. The most powerful way that I have discovered to work with these questions has been through setting better intentions.

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