Last week, we learned from the debut episode of E!’s Total Divas that the WWE has several very unique young women on its roster, and each of them brings something different to the viewing experience. Of course, none of them is more important than Nikki and Brie Bella, because the Bella Twins are the most important thing to ever happen to the WWE and the world in general. You should never, ever forget how lucky we are to be living at the same time as the Bella Twins.

But while the first episode of the already popular Total Divas – which airs on Sundays at 10 PM ET following Lobotomizing Yourself with the Kardashians – gave us glimpses into the personal lives of each woman and showed us what we can expect to see from each of them on this series, last night’s second episode just said, “F*ck it” and showed us who really matters.

Basically, each of the WWE Divas that expects to have a strong career based on her TV time on Total Divas, please step forward. Haha, not so fast, Nattie!

Poor, Poor Nattie

I’d love to say that Total Divas built on Nattie’s frustrations of being pushed to the back burner by the WWE’s Divas creative team by showing her busting her ass more than ever and working on her flaws, but they didn’t. In fact, they might as well just start spelling her name wrong in the credits.

Nattie had about three total minutes of screen time in episode 2, and that included her being smart enough to sit next to Fandango (above) and showing Eva Marie and JoJo where the food was at Raw. That’s Nattie’s role at this point – making sure the kids are fed before they go play.

Poor Nattie.

JoJo Is The Sassy Black Robin To Eva Marie’s Slutty Batman

I think I feel worse for JoJo than I do Nattie. At least Nattie had some time in the first episode to explain who she is and why she’s so desperate to prove her worth as a wrestler. All I know about JoJo is that her name is JoJo. She’s basically Eva Marie’s sidekick at this point, and that includes her judging Eva Marie’s boyfriend, Jonathan, when he surprises her at the hotel and then pulling off a very awkward sneak attack on Fandango (above) when Eva Marie decides that she wants to sex her way into the role of Fandango’s valet.

JoJo is very cute and seems to have a decent personality, so I’d like to see her, I don’t know, maybe wrestle or perform in some capacity other than saying things like, “Oh hell no.”

Trinity And Ariane Do Not See Eye-To-Eye With Anyone, Including Each Other

The Funkadactyls, Trinity and Ariane, are getting plenty of face time, but that doesn’t mean their stories are great. Basically, Ariane believes that the WWE’s seamstress, Sandra, is to blame for them being cut from Wrestlemania, which is stupid because it’s just stupid. But that doesn’t stop Ariane from visiting a designer in Hollywood who can hook her up with some “sexy gear,” and she takes Vincent and his eyebrows with her in case he wants to fight someone.

I think it’s awful the way that Ariane treats Sandra, and I commend the seamstress for standing up for herself and telling them that she won’t fix their clothes anymore. Especially because Ariane said, “The bomb dot com” twice in this episode, and that’s twice too many for me to ever like a person. Please stop saying, “The bomb dot com.” Please.

The problem with the new costumes is that Ariane didn’t clear them with Trinity, so when they try them on, something happens with Trinity’s booty. I don’t know what it was, because I just kept staring at her booty.

Also, the new outfits make them look like slutty Green Goblins, and E! had to blur Trinity’s crotch because her vagina was basically falling out.

Fantastic write up! (although Cristal is spelled with an I not a Y). I’m not sure what it says about me that this is easily my favorite show on TV right now.

I love the fact that Bryan is from Aberdeen. Washington state isn’t exactly a hotbed for wrestling talent but the truth is Aberdeen is mad depressing. It’s remote, has a high crime rate, it’s gray all the time and there’s zero to do there. The only reason people go there at all is to see the bridge Kurt Cobain shot heroin under and to buy sun screen at Walmart on their way to the nice part of the Washington coast.

That is actually the correct way to “kiss a lady’s hand” as though in ballroom dancing classes. You either keep the lips an inch away, or kiss your own thumb. Your not supposed to slobber all over the hand of someone you by definition is just being introduced to. ;)

Is anyone else still confused as fuck when it comes to who’s using kayfabe names and who isn’t, and the reasoning behind each one? Like, Ariane and Trinity haven’t even mentioned their ring names, but the Bellas are being the Bellas and not the Garcias? And they’re happy to say Bryan and Uso’s real name, but everyone in the back is calling Curtis ‘Fandango’?

I AM WAY TOO CONFUSED. I write this and then catch myself mixing up the names at least 5 times, and then I read it and do it again, so I make all of the changes and still find mixed up names and I’m finally like, “AWWWWWWW FUCK IT!”

Simply explanation. Ariane and Trinity are their real names and Funkadactyls is their tag team/valet name. Wrestlers choose which names they go by backstage, so he goes by Fandango.

Bryan Danielson is not called Daniel Bryan because everyone knows that he is only called Daniel Bryan for WWE Copywrite Purposes. He still goes by Bryan and it can be used for both his real first name or his wresting name’s last name.

This has gone from a show about seven women trying to legitimize their division in the WWE while struggling with interesting personal lives to being about Eva Marie trying to shortcut her way to the top and how that pisses off the Bella Twins, who would like to focus more on burning Daniel Bryan’s family home to the ground.

For those of you who don’t watch E! shows regularly this is how it happens:
Total Divas will become “Bellas and Fellas” or something like that and we’ll be down to the “core four”.
Then Nikki is finally gonna get John to get married and there’s the special which becomes a show: “John & Nikki: With This Ring”.
Finally, they divorce and Cena gets his own dating show.

I LOVE IT! each episode should feature them going to two different locations. One that Cena likes and on the Bryan likes. John Cena loves the gold plated toilets of Dubai but he just doesn’t understand why you can’t get sportscenter in Nepal.

I said this last night, but I think it bears repeating. Brie and DBD looking at Cena and Nikki in the pool looks like the time you and your wife went on a week-long vacation with your nice neighbors and on the first night found out your neighbors are swingers.

I really didnt think it was possible for me to be a bigger Fandango fan, but good god is Johnny Curtis just a filthy filthy man whore. Its like Fandango and Dirty Curty all rolled up into one and its amazing. His absolute disgust with Eva Marie when she couldnt dance, was just… Amazing. “Are we running it again?” Fandango: No. We arent running it again.” Just definitive, no bullshit, Fandango crushed that this beautiful lady lied to him and now he is stuck with Summer Rae. I am also stealing the kiss my own hand as a bar move. Total corny as shit ice breaker. 60% of the time, it works everytime. Also, was happy that Lady, aka Ann Dango, got some screen time last night.

Bellas and Fellas? Is there a Third Bella twin that is going to date Sheamus?

There is just so much win on this show. Just all around win. Im personally looking forward to the part where Nattie clearly sells her dignity. There is a thumbnail where she is lying on the couch in a black bra and panties with Tyson Kidd. No need for the bra and panties, she clearly sold her soul for that shot

So besides JoJo, Daniel Bryan and Sandra the Seamstress …I don’t like ANY of them. ( Nattie is not on camera enough and Fandango was in character the whole time…even though kissing his own hand AWESOME!) Does Nikki own any tops that actual fit her new jugs? She seems to be constantly a nip slip away. Going back in time…anyone remember Stephanie lecturing A.J. about her behavior making the Divas look bad….how is this show helping??

1) It’s pretty funny that on a show called “Total Divas” my favorite person is Daniel Bryan.
2) I thought it was awesome how Johnny Curtis was totally into Eva Marie and trying to get into her pants, but as soon as he learned she couldn’t dance he TOTALLY got into Fandango mode and completely lost interest in her. (Follow up: What are the odds he’s banging Summer Rae, based on what we’ve seen from him so far? 2-1?)
3) Awesome write up, Burnsy!

If you want to be successful in McMahonville, you need to take ridiculous chances and “reach for the brass ring.” That’s the mantra.

Rationale, sane people like Natalya, JoJo, Brie, and Trinity are essentially meek doormats filled with self-doubt and malleable for the obnoxious risk-takers who have the freedom to act, such as Eva Marie, Cameron, and Nikki. Being “larger than life” is better than being a good person, so the meek are in a constant state of being dragged into situations they don’t agree with because the bold rule the world (obnoxious though they may be).

In sum, Vince’s world view separates people into Barts and Milhouses. This show is all about why its better to be a horrible Bart than the best Milhouse. Period.

The only person on the show who doesn’t strike me as repulsive was the seamstress, Stephanie, Bryan, and to a lesser extent Cena. Yes, freaking Stephanie is a good guy on this show.

This show reminds me of The Hills in that it’s characters acting to be real people who are just characters. The problem is, The Bellas and their boy toys all know how stupid this is, and can’t keep a straight face in all of this.

I also love how John Cena looks at Bryan’s house with jealousy, wishing he could live in a regular home in a regular town.

Funny story: I can tell who is Arianne and Trinity yet I still don’t know which person is Cameron and which is Naomi.