It's about -10 outside, sky's grey. What to do? I don't feel like building a snowman. The local shop has just provided me with 10 tinnies, shoit all but repeats on the telly, too damned cold to go down the centre and raise Hell, girlie I am after is busy today, it's implosion. Any suggestions?

Ps, I've just let the iguana out for a roam. This starts with some form of amusement ( for me, not lizard!) as I chase it around yelling "Deep-fry, deep-fry!". The tables are usually turned after about 8 pints and I realsie I need to catch it before lights out or it will crap all over my clothes and computer during the night. Ah, the fun of Central Europe never stops!!!!

I few year ago I went to Jesmond Dene with my other half at the time and I fed the peacock there spicy doritos crisps.....greedy swine eat entire packet, was going great till it starting making a choking like noise and bobbing it's head quite fast....I took that as my hint to move!!

Suggest creating your own porn - arm yourself with pencil and paper and start writing, with suitbale intervals for liquid refreshment - you get the fun of writing it and then you can test drive it (one handed reading only mode) to see if it works properly - should take a good couple of hours - and when thats done you can start over again with a different story so hours of endless fun.
And don't forget to share the results with the rest of us.

The best one today! The doorbell just went dingy dong. Who the feck could that be? I thought as I went to answer. The Czech Jehovahs Witnesses. One could speak English. I think she was visibly scared by my answer of " No thanks, I'm a professional Satanist." Wild hair and a can in the hand, I didn't even need to slam the door!

Melissa was a hockey player and she was concerned that her skirt didnt show her best attributes. Tossing and turning in bed at night, she couldn't quite decide whether the Spice Girls or Amy Winesomething should be her idol. She met a Guardsman and then..... please continue....