Tagged: Mark Teixeira

Well, the week from Hell is over. Well, almost over. We’ll make it out alive. Not exactly sane, but we’ll still be breathing.

I’m not talking about the Yankees, of course. They’ll definitely be alive. The Yankees are in a good place. 25-16 is a good record to have in May.

I’m talking about Yankees fans.

Show of hands, how many of you have ulcers after this week? *raises hand*

Now, how many of you have ulcers that developed their own ulcers because of this week? *raises hand*

We knew ahead of time that this week was going to be the most difficult week yet. We faced two of our division rivals. First, the Red Sox, who magically seem to find their strengths against us. Then, the Tampa Bay Rays, who are hotter than hot right now. I was nervous going into this week. I honestly expected us to sweep the Red Sox, and get swept by the Rays. Well, I was half-right.

Anyway, what an emotionally exhausting week. Oh but
it’s not over! We face our inner-city rivals next! If we don’t beat the Mets, I’ll have to beat something. Probably to a bloody pulp.

*Meet the Mess. Meet the Mets. Step right up and beat the Mets!*

Listen, I’m the Queen of Cool and Calm when looking at the big picture. I don’t panic until our elimination number is in the single digits, and we’re on a losing streak in September. So don’t worry, I’m looking at the big picture here.

We’ve been suffering through a lot of injuries, and our bench is pretty much depleted. We called up Chad Moeller to be our backup catcher while Posada is out. Basically, Chad Moeller will be warming the bench for the vast majority of the next month. Nick Swisher is back, so at least we won’t have to suffer through Marcus Thames in right field anymore.

I wonder how Marcus “Dumb*ss Of The Year” Thames is doing? *Who gets hurt like that? Really? Who does that?!*

While I do see, and appreciate, the big picture, weeks like this week hurt. It’s not easy to endure losses like these, as a fan.

You know what? I’m not going to write about this game. I’m sick of repeating the same thing I’ve said about every other game this week…

It’s only May. *blah blah blah* He was due for a bad start. *blah blah* We knew he wouldn’t win every game this season. *blah* Randy [expletive] Winn *blah blah* These injuries are killing us *BLAH*

What’s the point of repeating myself? You’ve heard it all before, so why should I say it again? Do I really need to recap this game for you? Look at the damn boxscore, it says it all.

We failed once again, boys and girls. I usually try to find excuses for our players sucking in a game, and these excuses are usually legitimate. I just believe in giving your players the benefit of the doubt. Especially the team that we have this year. You know what, though? They’ve already given me enough ulcers to warrant some sort of negative reaction from me.

So, in this post, I will step out of character for a bit, and just make fun of every player who played in this game. I will roast them one by one. Just talk trash to them. That should make me feel better.

Before I begin, let me make it very clear that NONE OF THIS is to be taken seriously. I love our players, and I love our team. This is just a way for me to let my frustration out.

Roasted nuts, anyone?

Andy Pettitte: I used to say “Andy can Pettitte”, but the only thing you should be petting is your toupee at the retirement home. Way to show us you’re not aging, grandpa. Stop hitting me with your cane! I’m getting off of your stupid lawn! Tell your Bridge partner Jamie Moyer to stop shouting at me, I’m not stealing his paper!

Derek Jeter: Captain Clutch? Yeah, not so much. If Minka isn’t clutching it right, give Kate Hudson a call. I hear she’s available. Do it soon before Dallas Braden calls her, and she dies of laughter.

Brett Gardner: You used to remind me of Speedy Gonzales. Now, you’re like that mouse who drew the short straw to decide on who should run in front of the cat, to get to the cheese factory. Like the mouse with the short straw, you got caught.

Mark Teixeira: Your haircut doesn’t make you look like a switch-hitter, it makes you look like you flat-out bat for the other team. Those bangs must be getting in your eyes, because you can’t seem to tell the difference between a ball and a strike anymore. Call Fabio, or whoever the Hell your San Fransisco-esque hairdresser is, and tell him that Papelbon came onto you after the Red Sox game, thinking you were his type. That hairstyle has got to go.

Alex Rodriguez: Maybe you should give your cousin in the Dominican Republic a call…

Robinson Cano: Maybe you should conference call with A-Rod and his cousin…

Nick Swisher: Last I checked, you can’t hit the ball with your awesome attitude. So stop clowning around, and start getting some damn hits. I don’t care who you’re with or how awesome your hair is. Get some damn hits. Stop staying up late, talking to people on Twitter. Unless these people will hit home runs for you, GET SOME SLEEP!

Juan Miranda: You’re actually productive, but I have to roast you like I did the others. So… you make “DH” stand for “D*ck Head”.

Francisco Cervelli: Okay, that helmet was cute in Spring Training, but now you look like you should be licking short-bus windows. Need a towel to wipe the drool? Fasten your chin strap, Frankie! Stop hitting solid objects with your head, Frankie! Oy. We need a bigger helmet.

Randy Winn: You’re Randy Winn.

David Robertson: So nice of you to join us. I’m so sorry that our little pesky baseball season interrupted your vacation from pitching. Obviously you were taking a break from it all in April, and half of May. The drunk, cross-dressing homeless man, who wanders around near my office building, could have pitched better than you in the first month-and-a-half of the season. I know you miss having Spring Break, but please try to do your job when you’re on the mound.

Chan Ho Park: I thought you got over your diarrhea weeks ago. Why are you still crapping your pants every time you step on the mound? It really stinks, Chopper. I’m not sure if something was “lost in translation” but, in America, when we say “give them sh*t”, we mean give them a hard time. We don’t mean “crap your pants and act like a drunken monkey flinging feces”. Actually, I’ve seen monkeys fling poo with more accuracy than your pitches. Get your sh*t right, Chan Ho. Chug a bottle of Pepto-Bismol before each game.

***

There, like Chan Ho Park’s lunch, that crap is out of my system. Now, I open the floor to you, my loyal readers. If you feel frustrated with the loss, and would like to roast some players, feel free to do so in my comments section underneath this blog post. THIS IS ALL FOR FUN! So don’t take it too seriously, and don’t be offended. We all love our Yankees.

What can I say about this game any more than what the final score already says? I thought winning 10-3 in the first game of the series was amazing, winning 14-3 is even better!

Can we own the Red Sox any more than we are? Sure we can. We can win the third game of the series, too.

CC Sabathia was not at his best, but he didn’t cost us the game. The Yankees regained the lead that CC gave up, and it looked like he could be on his way to his fourth win of the season. That is, until two-outs in the bottom of the fifth inning. He was one strike away from an official game when Mother Nature decided to celebrate Mothers Day a little early.

The b*tch went crazy!

The rain poured down and the tarp was brought out, and we had ourselves a rain delay. An hour and fourteen minutes later, the game resumed, but CC wasn’t on the mound. He didn’t get the win. Something tells me that Sabathia was just as happy about the team winning, as he would have been getting the win for himself.. He’s a team player, after all.

Sabathia did manage to hit Dustin Pedroia, though. Was it intentional? No one knows. If it was intentional, then CC chose the right spot to hit him in, his derrière. Those muscles can handle taking the hit without damage, so if it was payback for what Beckett did the night before, it was executed perfectly. Intentional or not, I liked seeing the little midget plunked. I’m not going to lie, it made me smile.

The Yankees scored fourteen runs in the game. Ten of those runs were given as RBIs to Mark Teixeira and Francisco Cervelli.

Cerving Up The Runs

Frankie Cervelli. How amazing is he?

This is a young catcher who was brought up to the Major League solely for his defense. Last year, he played some AA ball, and was hitting .190 in over a dozen games. His numbers improved when he played AAA and had some games in the majors, but nothing compared to this year. He’s currently batting .429 with an OBP of .500 this season. I know it’s still early, and he hasn’t been a regular starter, but my God, what more can we ask of our backup catcher?

Five RBIs in one game! Not to mention the rest of his amazing hitting this year!

His defense is amazing, his offense is impeccable, and he’s passionate about the game. Whether it’s behind the plate or during his at-bats, Cervelli’s passion and emotions flow. He hustles, he thrives to win, and he never gives less than 200% during games. What more can we ask of our catcher?

On most teams in baseball, Francisco Cervelli would be the regular starting catcher. I think he should be our starting catcher, too, at least for the short run. Before you go crazy, hear me out.

Jorge Posada is still great to have in the lineup, but his defensive skills are slipping with age. Even when he was younger, Posada was more known for his offense, and his good defense was a bonus. While Jorge’s errors aren’t costing us any games yet, Cervelli is better behind the plate. He’s also proven to be quite the asset in our lineup, so why not keep him there? He lacks Posada’s power hitting, but he’s still a good hitter.

When Posada is available to hit again, the perfect mix would be having both Jorge Posada and Francisco Cervelli in the lineup every day. We need Posada’s power-hitting, and Cervelli’s everything.

Right now, Nick Johnson is on the Disabled List for God knows how long. Therefore, we currently don’t have him filling up the DH spot. I say we regularly make Posada our DH, and Cervelli our catcher for the time being.

Cervelli has shown that he can catch our pitchers, be they our veterans or our young ones. We’ve seen him walk out to the mound and calm our pitchers down. We’ve seen the emotion and passion he brings to every game. Why wouldn’t we want to have that every day?

Will we see him every day? Probably not, especially after Nick Johnson returns. We should, however, take advantage of what is supposed to be a “bad situation” and get the most out of this young talent.

To think, we were worried about Posada not being able to catch. Dare I say that we’re better with Cervelli behind the plate? Yes, I said it. Right now, I’d rather see Francisco Cervelli behind the plate, but I still want Jorge Posada in the lineup.

He’s getting old. Permanently DHing will come soon, for Posada.

Granola Bar, for the win!

The camera was on Mark Teixeira in the dugout while he was eating a granola bar. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver went on and on about it. Well, the granola bar worked, because Mark Teixeira hit three home runs in the game, and got five RBIs added to his name.

Boy, that Mark Teixeira sure loves the month of May.

The best sluggers hit an average of six home runs a month. Teixeira is halfway there from one game. How insane is that? Is he going to hit three home runs every game? No way. However it’s nice to see him starting to make up for his April slump.

Maybe Alex Rodriguez should start eating granola bars.

Charge the Thief with a Hit & Run

Speaking of A-Rod, he had a good game. Sluggers are usually weighed down by their heavy bats. They depend on the power hits, and rarely do you se
e them hitting the small ball. Sluggers not named Alex Rodriguez, that is. Sure, he’s slumping when it comes to home runs, but I’m sure that’ll change very soon. In this game, Alex drew three walks, had two hits, one RBI and a stolen base. That stolen base allowed him to score a run.

Sure, he’s not slugging it up right now, but he’s certainly hitting the ball when it matters the most, and now he’s stealing bases. He needs to get the power back to his bat though. We need him slugging in the clean-up spot!

¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!

Brett ‘Speedy Gardzales’ Gardner had a good game. Remember when Brett Gardner was an automatic out? Not anymore! He’s getting hits, he’s working walks, and his OBP is ridiculously good. Even more importantly, once he’s on, he’s nasty. His legs have made me call him Speedy Gardzales, and no pitcher wants to have him on base.

In this game, Gardner stole a base, and he now has fourteen stolen bases this season.

Holla!

I also want to give a shoutout to Ramiro Pena for his defensive plays, Swisher for being hotter than hot right now, and Joba who is thriving in the pen (WHERE HE BELONGS).