Thoughts from the interface of science, religion, law and culture

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.

EVENTS

The Grand Unified Obama Conspiracy Theory

William Gheen, the terribly bigoted head of the Americans for Legal Immigration PAC, joined Alex Jones on his daily shitshow to concoct a sort of Grand Unified Theory of Obama Conspiracies, pulling together multiple independent spook stories into one big melting pot of paranoia:

“They’re doing that by bringing in people who have no shared national or cultural experience with us, that are willing to literally say or do anything that their new masters call on them to do to protect their positions,” Gheen said. “Once Obama brings these ‘kids’ in, gives them their Obamaphone, enrolls them in Obamacare, puts them in a public school, pays for their housing, pays for their foods…These people will do anything that their leaders call them to do, and I mean literally anything.”

“The problem about trying to take up full gun confiscation and cracking down in a totalitarian fashion against American citizens is, who amongst the country hates their fellow countrymen and women so much that you can turn them to do that? They only have a small section of people that are willing to do that, and it’s probably going to be the people who remain loyal to Obama to the very end,” he continued.

“These people that come in, if they come to them and say, ‘You must do this for your glorious leader or you’re going back to the jungle and you gotta give the phone back and the food back and the free lodging back,’ they’ll probably, most of them will make the decision to do about anything.”

“That’s like the African child slave soldiers,” Jones responded. “That’s how all those African countries are run is off of poor kids, they grab at 12 and give a machine gun to. Obama talks about his national security force, just as big, just as strong as our military. It’s so bold, but when you look at it, they really are doing that.”

This is what makes Poe’s Law so powerful. How do you parody something this moronic and disconnected from reality?

Comments

This is true. When you look at it they are doing that. And then, when you look again, they’re not. But if you relax the eye muscles and take another look-see, you’ll see it was just a schooner the whole time.

At the end of the Viet Nam war, perhaps because the country had a better-developed sense of responsibility for the debacle that conflict became, there was a strong movement to adopt Vietnamese refugee children, particularly those with unknown Anglo fathers, into families in the United States. My own parents looked into our being one of those families (they began the process too late), and it was seen as almost a noble act, to give an unfortunate child the chance to grow up in this country – and that was when a large swath of the population had sincere doubts about the value of our institutions and government. Those children had no more “shared national or cultural experience with” the US, but by all accounts those who made it here adapted, as all immigrants have. To see conservatives of all stripes use these modern-day refugee children as political pawns, spewing all the worst kinds of racist garbage, is truly sickening.

“Once Obama brings these ‘kids’ in, gives them their Obamaphone, enrolls them in Obamacare, puts them in a public school, pays for their housing, pays for their foods…These people will do anything that their leaders call them to do, and I mean literally anything.”

Not true. You also have to make them go out into the marketplace to murder a random infant and then come back and strangle their own puppy.

The only reason Alex Jones didn’t point out that Gheen’s exposé of this nefarious scheme didn’t mention the previous and highly successful operation of the same kind from Roswell and Area 51 is that – he’s part of it!

Wow. Everytime I think I’ve heard the most absurd religious and/or political rant possible, another wingnut pops up and proves me wrong. Where do all these screwballs actually come from? They are actually a pretty decent argument for eugenics research…if we could weed them out in utero, the world might just be a lot better place a few generations from now.

These people that come in, if they come to them and say, ‘You must do this for your glorious leader or you’re going back to the jungle and you gotta give the phone back and the food back and the free lodging back,’