Akward weekend. Yesterday went and played squash with a few friends. Normally we hang out all night. It ended at like 5 oclock. Came home, walked in the door and another friend called. He came over and that was cool. Today nothing happened, which is weird. My one friend was online last night and i made a few jokes but he never responded, i was positive he was sitting there. He mentioned about coming over today but I never heard from him. now neither of my friends are online, wondering if i got left out of something. dont you like my paranoid mind?

Well my paranoia has subsided a bit. its gonna take time, this shit is still new to me. figured it was time i started posting lyrics again, hoot.

Follow me into the desertAs thirsty as you areCrack a smile and cut your mouthAnd drown in alcoholcause down below the truth is lyingBeneath the riverbedSo quench yourself and drink the waterThat flows below her head

Oh no there she goesOut in the sunshine the sun is mine

I shot my love today would you cry for meI lost my head again would you lie for meI left her in the sand just a burden in my handI lost my head again would you cry for me

Close your eyes and bow your headI need a little sympathycause fear is strong and loves for everyoneWho isnt meSo kill your health and kill yourselfAnd kill everything you loveAnd if you live you can fall to piecesAnd suffer with my ghostJust a burden in my handJust an anchor on my heartJust a tumor in my headAnd Im in the dark

So follow me into the desertAs desperate as you areWhere the moon is glued to a picture of heavenAnd all the little pigs have god

My contract at work is coming to a close, slightly worried. It ends next week. I know I get 2 weeks off before school but I need the job to continue after that. The office hasn't even heard back from the request. So i've been working extra hard and staying later then I have to so I make an impression.

I ponder what exactly being a rockstar is. I heard a great quote on TV earlier today "Being a rockstar isn't about downing jack daniels and having a needle hanging out of your arm, its going on stage and wowing people every night.". I am going to put a band togeather at some point. I want to be sure I have an approach so I don't get lost in it all like I did with the drug shit awhile back. I didn't get lost but it f- with my mind.

I am sick of my f- mind. It's starting to drive me nuts more and more. When I don't know someone well enuff I spend every 5 minutes trying to convince myself why they must hate me. Maybe they bring me along for another reason. Should I watch what I say? Should I play a role? Should I lie to make myself something I am not? Will they like me then? My biggest fear in life is having no friends again. In high school I had no one. I was fine with it as they were f- but now is different. College has been an amazing experience but it's gonna come to an end. Everyone will move away and I'll be left alone. Thats my biggest fear. I fear it more then death itself. I have a tremendous amount of confidence but my bipolarity keeps me on the edge. I need people around me. I used to just rival in my own ideas, like that shane guy thats on here. That doesn't work for me anymore, I don't give a f-.

All the money in the world couldn't do a damn thing for me. I spent my early summer spending disgusting amounts of money on things I didn't need. I was trying to medicate myself and it didn't work at all. I have alot of nice stuff now but it does nothing for me. I am still depressed, it doesn't do anything for me what so ever. One day I will inheret the combined estates of my mom, uncle and grandpa. I am the last person in this side of the family. That does make me a millionaire my inheretence. Believe me or not, I don't exactly care. I spend time thinking of the best ways to dispose of the money thats worthwhile. I don't want to spend it on a fast lifestyle that will leave me nothing but suicidal. As i've goten older I see how money isn't anything at all. I have so much around me that I don't thirst. I will have all the designer clothes and big TVs in 5 years but it won't do anything for me. But then again might aswell live now then die and give it to the government.

Maybe I'll spend 5 years insane in a basement writing the next rock masterpiece, you never know.

And you stare at me in your Jesus Christ poseArms held out like you've been carrying a loadAnd you swear to me you don't want to be my slaveBut you're staring at me like I need to be saved

In your Jesus Christ poseArms held outIn your Jesus Christ pose

Thorns and shroud like it's the coming of the LordAnd I swear to you that I would never feed you painBut you're staring at me like I'm driving the nails

In your Jesus Christ poseAnd you stare at meIn your Jesus Christ pose

Arms held out like it's the coming of the LordAnd would it pay you more to walk on waterThan to wear a crown of thornsIt wouldn't pain me more to bury you richThan to bury you poorIn your Jesus Christ pose

Early in the morning before work. Have yet to hear back about my contract. hopefully friday. friend spent the night last night, 'twas fun.

i am becoming addicted to jeff buckley, he is definatly expanding my mind musically. normally i couldnt listen to anything without a crunching riff, but this is just so haunting. f- amazing. 4 octave range just blows me away. such a shame he died when he did. RIP

Highs and lows. What a f- cycle. Good mood today. Last day at work. My position hasn't been renewed yet, however it looks like it will be. The director came in and talked to us for a bit. Gave me $20 in free movie tickets. He appologized that it ended this week. He said if he had of known about it before today he woulda made sure we got the go ahead to work. He said for me to give him a call next week and I can do some under the table work for him. cutting the grass and stuff. i'll do it as when i go to ask him for a reference he will write me up something nice. there is nothing like having a written reference from one of the top 5 people at a college of 20,000 people. im a lucky guy to have those connections.

waking up now, no hang over. wondering if im gonna do anything tonight or if a friend is coming over. next 2 weeks off sucks. gotta finish a project and get it in tomorrow, even though im not being paid for it. i said i'd do it and i want this job.

god last night was fun. the energy in those places is insane. its so thick in the air. get a few drinks in you and have fun. i was dancing with a bunch of hot chicks. nothing wrong with that.

went out and played pool tonight, that was fun. some of my..thoughts were corrected today. i was fearing my one friend was getting in with this guy and doing some substances. he mentioned going out to a dance club on friday night and i know he would never f- do that if i asked if he wanted to go. so i felt like shit all day thinking he is going back into the drugs and shit, and being disapointed he wouldn't include me in these plans. turns out he went with some managers from where he works. so again i was wrong. i hate being left out of things if i am available to go. however i like leaving people out of things, sounds strange i know. i'd rather go out with one or 2 people then 4. i loose the feeding off energy i get going. with one or two people its simple.

this has been one of the best weeks in ages. the ideas for helping bipolarity have helped indefinatly, my clarity is back. its still there but its not making me feel so alone and hated. i want it to be there anyway, it gives me a certain fire. a friend has been going to the gym everyday this week with me. we have been doing things afterwards, its great.

went out clubbing again tonight was alot of fun. my ex was there dancing on the one stage. i went up there and danced for awhile. she put her pussy near my face like 5 times. jumped down and danced with me, then pushed me out of the way and proceded to grind on like 5 dudes. shes so slutty now.

man, great two weeks. ive hung out with a friend almost everyday and gone out and done something. we are probably gonna get a place togeather. going rock climbing tomorrow. life is grand. school is wednesday, boo.

still talking about moving out, not sure what i am doing. im waiting for the job listings to be posted to see whats up with my contract.

having some issues with my one friend, its not cool. ill try and make this simple to understand. john and adam were great friends back in highschool. adam graduated before john and went to college. john is in my class and works with me alot. ive been hanging around adam alot and we have done something almost everyday for the past month. adam wants to move out and him and i will get a place. john has been acting weird and mull. it hasnt helped ive done far more things with adam. today he found out we hung out at my grandparents place and played pool for the most of an afternoon. i talked to him today about adam and i getting a place and he showed him a picture of it (quite nice, swimming pool etc) and he said something along the lines of why do i care to see a picture? adam is also lending me a textbook to save me $120, john is gonna be uber pissed at that. he is desperate for money and here is the guy with the money saving even more.

fun week. hung out with adam a fair bit. going to visit aptments today. we went out to a gunz n f- rosez concert last night, a local tribute band. holy f- they were good! we both had a really good time, going back to see them in december. rest of the week has been pretty unpreventable, my one ear is still ringing from the music. took me a good 4 hours to get to sleep.

Mediocre week at best. My buddy was pretty busy so I didn't do a whole lot next to sit around. Another friend invited me out with him and "3 beautiful women" tonight. Then 5 minutes later attempted to disinvite me. I didn't want to go as I've seen some of these girls, not exactly stunning. Not horrible but mediocre at best. Next weekend is a friend's birthday so we are going out to a nightclub.School has been lame. Most of my classes can't hold my attention for long. Especially COBOL. Its this ancient language used with alot of mainframe stuff. It's good at reading mass amounts of data, so its increadably boring. Not much interesting you can do. I've been writing a bit again. This piece is quite inspired, I've gotta get away from that. Here is my latest masterpiece.

Far Beyond the RoadBetween your house and homeA storm slowly growsIt tells of fire and stones

not much happening, that can be both a good and bad thing. Got a job interview tomorrow at 830pm at bestbuy for computer repair. its not an amazing job but its flexable and pays around 10 bucks an hour so its good. another company called and wants an interview with me today, im gonna call them back saturday if i don't have good vibes about bestbuy. i just want some money coming in now, its my most fulfilling addiction, i love money. i do share the wealth atleast. at some point in the future i will inheret alot of money as i am the only person left on my grandparents side of the family so everything funnels down to me. i dont really want it as ill have a hard time touching that as it is their legacy.

I've decided to not move out of mine and my moms place. I was going to move out with friends mainly out of fear. I was afraid of being left out of things because I'd be an outsider. They are all right there and would go out and do things without me. I hate being disincluded from things. I decided it's best to get over myself and just stay here. It could result in not really having any friends, but i've decided to take that risk. It isn't worth it for me to throw so much away and take such a .... risk. It does go back awhile but even when around them I do feel left out. It seems like they all are interacting with one and another and I seem to be on the outside. My attitude can be a little outlandish but why have me along if they have no intrest in having me around. So I figure its not gonna be that different regardless, I still have the feeling of being an outsider no matter how close I am. I also am scared that no one will be there for me when I do move out. They are all gonna do their own things and my mind could get the best of me, being bipolar and all.

Speaking of bipolar I had an episode of mania today. I just felt over-joyed and stupid. I had the urge to spend money like mad and felt really good for awhile. It was kinda nice in a way.

I'm also excited christmas is coming, its a great time of year for me. Lots of presents. I feel the most connected and generous around christmas time.

Well I no longer work at bestbuy. I didn't even work a shift. I went in for their sunday meeting and disliked their policies and attitudes towards customers so much I walked out.

I've been thinking of starting uo a band again. Im unsure if it's what I really want though. It can be hard when I write from such a honest place and to share that with other people. I'm not doing it for them, I'm doing it for me. Being vulnerable isn't easy at all.

After regretting my rather short entry I decided to come back and talk about some stuff that's been bothering me.

Bipolar is really starting to bother me as of late. I've been so up and down it's not funny. The strangest thing of it all is i can go from being great to horrible in 5 minutes. The ups and downs affect me badly. A few days ago 2 of my friends moved into their new place and I do have a case of jealousy. I have the urge to be on my own mainly because It would hopefully make me busier taking care of things. I love to be excessive and micromanage so its no real issue for me. Not to mention being left out of things makes me feel horrible. I know its inevitable but I wish people were with me the way I was with them. I micromanage everything and think of everyone. I just wish I could be treated the same way by people. My one friend drives by my house everyday and hasn't thought he could drive me to school, it would save me a half hour a day.

I've been wondering how I should live out the rest of my life. I have no intentions of ever getting married or engaged, I don't share well. Even through infatuation, I just like myself. I don't define myself as being a loner, I've got friends and family. The real question is why do people have to be around other people. Why are people incapable of being alone. Alot of people go nuts if they aren't talking to someone every 5 minutes. They always chat on their cellphone. To me being in a room with a large group of people is more freightening. In situations like that i'd just rather be alone.

Well I thought I would take this post to clear a few things up. A few people think im some crazy drug addict or alcoholic. I have never done any drug beyond dxm. I took it twice for some weird reason and i've never touched it again. As for alcohol I will drink here and there but its rare. It prevents me from sleeping soundly so I normally avoid it. I do take care of myself now. I go the gym alot and practice meditation to enhance thought clarity and concentration. I eat properly and get enough protein to help deal with my bipolar disorder (yes, its diagnosed). School has been going pretty well, my marks are quite high. I try to always remain creative, its at the core of who I am. weither its writing music, singing or creating anything in general.

I've been thinking, this is a place to be honest. So why not be honest? My intentions for the rest of my life are to stay alone. I never have intentions of getting married or being with anyone seriously. I plan to devote the rest of my life to what ever form of art strikes my fancy. I plan on moving to new york city in 5 or 6 years and diving head first into the art scene. I intend to do things like live in a small house, watching the stars. Laying in the grass pondering life. Going to the local food market and getting vegetables for my evening meal. Being a good friend to someone. Helping those in need. Things that really matter.

When I get older i'll come into money. Not a disgusting amount, its under $5 million but enough to do pretty much what I wish. I intend to travel. See the world. Be someone worth living. Show dedication to what ever I do. I could care less about formal achievments and the such. I just want people to know that in the moment that I am there, they are the only one that matters. The outside world is ticking like normal however in this moment, I am here.

Sexuality isn't a big thing for me. No I don't mean gay or straight, I mean sexuality as a whole. As an expressive side of you. It is meaningful to give yourself to someone in such a way but I don't view it as an important aspect of life. Sure i've got the normal urges of any human, however they go away. The only thing i've ever been thirsty for is acceptance. Finding a place where I fit into the puzzle as a whole. I've never felt that way. It doesn't even have to be with people. It could simply be fitting somewhere, completing a puzzle.

There is no such thing as me ever being 100% satisfied but I can try. Maybe one day my excessive thirst will go away once i learn to ... feel something.

Going to see Buckcherry tonight and then GNR next wednesday. Should be a really good time. There is nothing more I love then live music. I'd give up everything for live music. To me it's above any sexual act or love. It pulses in my veins and I love it.

Can't decide if there is really much of a method to dealing with bipolar disorder. I just start to think i've mastered it and I get thrown for a couple day loop. The best few days have sucked, i've been twitchy, agressive and anti-social. The only real medication i've found is good times. It helps to lift me out of my moods sometimes. Live music is also a major uplifter but i don't go and see many bands as 97% of them suck.

Had a good time tonight. I feel reaffirmed in a few things. Friend bought me a couple drinks which always puts me at ease and also i wasn't asked for any money at all. being the richest guy in the room its a shock,

Have been fairly busy. School is a bitch, always a ton of assignments due. I've been doing ton of COBOL which is really cumbersome. Most programs excede 600 lines of code so it can take awhile. I've been writing alot aswell, as I age it gets more important to me so i can deal with myself. The following is an audioslave song, i think it applies to the way i feel all the time.

Once upon a timeI was on a mind to lay your burden downAnd leave you where you stoodYou believed I couldYoud seen it done beforeI could read your thoughtsAnd tell you what you sawAnd never say a wordBut now that is goneOver with and doneAnd never to return

I can tell you whyPeople die aloneI can tell you whyThe shadow on the sun

Staring at the lossLooking for the causeAnd never really sureNothing but a holeTo live without a soulAnd nothing to be learned

I can tell you whyPeople go insaneI can show you howYou could do the sameI can tell you whyThe end will never comeI can tell you onThe shadow on the sun

Had a horrible weekend. Friend asked me to go swimming yesterday so i went. afterwards he wanted to workout for a bit. i took ill and was close to passing out /throwing up. his response was oh thats shitty, enjoy your rest. so i had to walk 20 minutes home, not even offered a ride. im done with him, its complete bullshit. when i got home i freaked out telling my mom

I've decided to change things a bit. The people I regard as friends are no longer friends, but acquantinces. I find I care too much about what they think and say, I need to get back to not caring as its making me a wee bit frazzled.

During rehersal the other day we played jeff buckley's so real. i was impressed with my vocals as i was able to hit the high f# (or is it g? cant remember) during the outro of the song. its definatly at the top of my range in head voice but its still quite impressive. most singers couldn't get anywhere near high f.

It's been a mediocre week. Both good and bad. My one friend has been better but only because he has started over indulging in substances. I just stay away from shit alltogeather, I can't do anything moderatly. So he has been better but he has been rubbing it in my face as if to tempt me or something. I know what he is upto, I don't do that shit anymore.