Prom
season is here! High school students across America have
designed elaborate promposals, saved up their pennies
and squeezed into formalwear for a magical evening of
memory-making. And increasingly, proms have become
inclusive of LGBTQ kids.

Gay
Olympic Skier Gus Kenworthy recently posted the
following comment: "Been seeing a lot of pics of
same-sex couples going to high school proms together and
I frigging love it! I wish I would've been out and proud
and secure with myself when I was a teenager but I
didn't think it was an option. So happy to know that
kids nowadays realize it is!"

Comments
from LGBTQ youth regarding their recent high school prom
experience including the following comments:

"A few
years ago I was afraid to go out wearing flannels
because I thought I would look too gay or not feminine
enough. yesterday I wore a suit to prom. that’s
character development."

"Finally
getting to go to prom with your girlfriend is the best
thing ever!"

"One day
you're gonna wake up and you're going to realize that
you have to accept who you are. You're going to realize
that there's no point in pretending to be someone you
aren't, because, while life is the longest thing we
experience, it's still goes by so fast. I'm thankful I
have amazing friends, supportive family members, and
tons of supportive people online. And I'm thankful for
my girlfriend most of all. I went from not believing
that love that wasn't platonic was even real and that
relationships were a waste of time, mainly because I
didn't believe anyone could love me, to going to taking
silly gay prom pictures in public. Life gets a whole lot
better once you accept who you are."

While many
minority groups are the target for prejudice and
discrimination in our society, few persons face this
hostility without the support and acceptance of their
family as do many gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender,
and queer youth.

LGBTQ young people are increasingly visible in our
schools. Why? Probably partly because young people in
general are reaching puberty at younger ages than they
did in generations past. And probably partly because
sexual minority young people are growing up in the midst
of a civil rights movement, feeling both an urgency and
an increasing sense of community in their normal
adolescent quests for identity and integrity.

Recent
studies have shown that, on average, lesbian and gay
youth first become aware of their same-gender
attractions at an average of 9-10 years old and first
identify as lesbian or gay at an average of 14-16 years
old.

According
to the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention, "Most
lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ)
youth are happy and thrive during their adolescent
years. Going to a school that creates a safe and
supportive learning environment for all students and
having caring and accepting parents are especially
important. This helps all youth achieve good grades and
maintain good mental and physical health. However, some
LGBTQ youth are more likely than their heterosexual
peers to experience difficulties in their lives and
school environments, such as violence."

Nine out of 10 LGBTQ students (86.2%) experienced
harassment at school. Three-fifths (60.8%) felt
unsafe at school because of their sexual orientation.
And about one-third (32.7%) skipped a day of school in
the past month because of feeling unsafe.

-GLSEN
National School Climate Survey 2009

LGBTQ students are three times as likely as non-LGBTQ
students to say that they do not feel safe at school
(22% vs. 7%) and 90% of LGBTQ students (vs. 62% of non-LGBTQ
teens) have been harassed or assaulted during the past
year.

-GLSEN
From Teasing to Torment 2006

Sexual
minority youth, or teens that identify themselves as
LGBTQ, are bullied two to three times more than
heterosexuals.

-Nationwide Children's Hospital, Columbus, OH 2010

Almost all transgender students had been verbally
harassed, called names, or threatened in the past year
at school because of their sexual orientation (89%) and
gender expression (89%).

In July
2015, street
photographer Brandon Stanton, the creator of the popular on-line photo blog
Humans of New York, posted a picture that has proven
exceptional even for a Facebook page with 13 million
followers.

"I'm homosexual and I'm afraid about what my future will
be and that people won't like me," reads the caption of
a photo of a tearful boy.

The shot
is of a boy with downcast eyes and his forehead in his
hand. The boy is sitting on a stoop, dressed in a crisp,
white shirt and a mint-colored sweater.

Within 24 hours, the Facebook post earned more than
500,000 likes, 45,000 shares and a response from
presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.

The former secretary of state offered the following
words of comfort: "Prediction from a grown-up: Your
future is going to be amazing. You will surprise
yourself with what you're capable of and the incredible
things you go on to do. Find the people who love and
believe in you -- there will be lots of them."

Other
commenters on the photo included:

George Takei, actor and director: “Looks like you’ve got
a head start. 620,000 people ‘like’ you already. I’m
honored to be one of them.”

Gavin Newsom, former mayor of San Francisco and current
lieutenant governor of California: “You are so brave and
I’m very proud of you. I understand why you’re scared,
but all you have to do is look through these comments to
see that we are all on your side. You have so many
opportunities ahead of you. The best is yet to come. I
promise!”

Ellen DeGeneres: “Not only will people like you, they’ll
love you. I just heard of you and I love you already.”

--84% of LGBTQ youth reported being verbally harassed at
school
--39% of LGBTQ youth reported being physically harassed
at school
--90% of LGBTQ youth reported hearing homophobic remarks
from classmates
--82% of LGBTQ youth reported that faculty and staff
never intervened when homophobic remarks were made in
their presence
--39% of LGBTQ youth reported hearing homophobic remarks
from faculty and staff
--9 out of 10 LGBTQ youth have experienced some kind of
anti-gay harassment at school
--60% of LGBTQ youth felt unsafe at school because of
their sexual orientation or gender identity
--LGBTQ youth are bullied 2 to 3 times more often than
their straight peers
--LGBTQ youth are 190% more likely to abuse drugs and
alcohol than their straight peers
--44% of LGBTQ youth have been the target of harassment,
verbal abuse, and physical abuse at home
--49% of LGBTQ youth have been the target of anti-gay
hate acts at school
--48% of LGBTQ youth were the target of discrimination,
harassment and violence at work, including 15% who were
fired
--39% of LGBTQ youth report acts of vandalism, threats,
and assault in their neighborhoods and communities
--LGBTQ youth are 4 times more likely to commit suicide
than their straight peers

--30% of
all teen suicides are committed by LGBTQ youth (Suicide
is the leading cause of death among LGBTQ youth)

A new generation of LGBTQ youth are coming of age in a
society increasingly tolerant and yet still deeply
divided about homosexuality. On one hand, there is
increased openness, media attention, and an older
generation of openly gay and lesbian role models. On the
other hand, there is an increased backlash in the form
of religious fundamentalism, violence, and legal
intervention designed to "protect" traditional marriages
and families. Sexual minority or queer youth are coming
out younger than ever before and many are coming out in
middle school and high school, while still living at
home. Coming out, in some cases, then, has become a
family affair.

Some families have experience with sexual minority
status, either because there is someone in the family
who is not heterosexual or they have family friends who
are sexual minorities. However, most youth who come out
while living at home are in families who have not had
direct experience with queer individuals. Family
therapists, familiar with the trials and tribulations of
sexual identity, and experts on how to help families
deal with difficult issues, are perfectly situated to be
helpful.

Heterosexism is the unacknowledged belief that
heterosexual people are normal, while other groups of
people are not normal. Homophobia is the fear of
homosexual people, which usually expresses itself in
negative views of them. It is practically impossible to
be raised in a heterosexist, homophobic culture like
ours and not be influenced by some of the negative
messages that swirl around on a daily basis about sexual
minority people.

Info: Encouragement for LGBTQ Youth in
Crisis
When an adolescent is different, it may create a family
crisis. If the crisis leads to such distance from
parents that they are no longer available to help the
child develop, the family is not providing the necessary
ingredients for development, and problems erupt. While
difference is difficult, it is particularly difficult
for sexual minority kids who sometimes feel as if they
are growing up in enemy territory. Sexual minority youth
often grow up loved but unknown. In many minority
populations the older generation serve as models for the
younger generation about how to live in an environment
that oppresses them. However, most sexual minority youth
grow up in families with heterosexual parents who may
not understand the oppression, and who even may be a
part of this oppression. Family therapy can help create
a context in which open dialogue can occur so that the
family is able to get back on track and nurture its
youth.

Sexual
minority youth, like all youth, follow their own paths
toward self discovery, but they face special challenges.
Youth who know they are LGBTQ have a sense of their
difference for a while before they tell anyone. There is
about a two-year period for most youth when they
self-identify as non-heterosexual but keep this
information to themselves. Remember, youth assume, like
everyone else, that they are heterosexual. To have the
knowledge that they are different, they must hold
conflicting ideas in their head at the same time. "I am
normal and I have feelings that are abnormal and wrong,
so the feelings must be wrong or I don't really have
these feelings." When youth do come out to others, it is
usually to a trusted friend, and rarely to a parent
first. The process of coming out and wiping away the
last vestiges of internalized homophobia takes years,
and sometimes, a lifetime.

Youth who
are openly struggling with the probability that they are
not heterosexual can frighten parents. Most heterosexual
parents assume their children will be heterosexual. When
dreaming about the lives their children will lead, a
same-sex partner is not part of the picture.
Entertaining the idea creates fear and anxiety. Parents
are afraid for a range of reasons. Most worry about the
rejection their children will face and fear for their
children's safety. They have heard hateful comments all
their lives about homosexuals and know their child will
be punished. Life is more difficult if you are not part
of the mainstream, and some parents believe that
homosexual behavior is sinful. Some recognize that their
child's exploration poses difficult questions, which
challenge all they think they know about gender,
sexuality, and identity. They question their own
parenting and wonder where they went wrong. The belief
that they have control over their children's sexual
identity may mislead parents to discourage atypical
gender behavior so their child will turn out straight.
Some may believe that once they relinquish control over
something so basic as gender and sexual orientation, any
control over the child becomes an illusion.

Families should seek help any time their adolescent
withdraws from them more than is comfortable. Many
sexual minority youth hide because it is difficult to
reconcile the person they feel developing inside them
with the person they are expected to be by everyone
else. When youth come out to their families, they risk a
great deal. Adolescents are dependent on their families
for physical and emotional support. If they misjudge
their parents, they have a great deal to lose. They may
feel they can be themselves and risk rejection, or live
a lie. Sexual minority youth, unlike members of other
minority groups, cannot, and do not, expect their
families to accept or tolerate their identity, much less
help them nurture it and protect themselves.

Families should also seek help when their adolescent is
acting out in dangerous ways. Most sexual minority youth
have been ridiculed or experience verbal and physical
threats of violence by their peers because they do not
fit in. Those most likely to be abused are those who do
not fit gender role stereotypes or those who live in
communities that are openly homophobic. Many youth are
verbally and physically attacked by family members who
unwittingly denigrate their children for not living up
to hetero-sexist expectations. Some of these youth act
out during adolescence because they do not have the
resources to manage their pain.

Family therapists who are knowledgeable about sexual
minority youth will work towards creating a safe refuge
for youth and their families. They will help family
members evaluate the negative messages they receive from
the culture about minority sexuality, teach families the
facts, and work towards family members deciding
themselves that which they believe. Family therapists
will help family members talk with one another about
their different beliefs in a way that encourages
difficult, yet important dialogue. Family therapists
will help families get back on track towards nurturing
their adolescent's growth and development, and they will
help members see that the uniqueness of each child is a
gift and a blessing.