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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I've found that whenever I feel like I've been sewn together from incompatible parts, I just boldly emphasize the utter weakness of stuff that holds me together in the most confrontational way possible. Suddenly, for the first time like ever, I'm starting to think that aggressive transparency is kind of unhealthy because I'm constantly reminding myself of my mediocrity. I guess I just figure it's better not to lie about it, right, and make sure everyone knows right away how average I am.

But I think pointing out how mediocre I am all the time is the lie, because I know I'm not average and mediocre. I know I am different, because people treat me differently than they treat other people. This isn't a scale of better or worse, it doesn't involve ethics, health, likability or any of that. It's just that sometimes I make people nervous, and sometimes people think everything about me is a fucking joke.

And sometimes I come to shocking realizations about my effect on people, because I keep on having conversations with dudes where they express interest in courtship immediately followed by mentioning their own very serious psychological disorders.

Mental fuckery is replicating like rabbits so the probability that, on any given day, you'll meet someone sane is exactly 67.77898895%. Which sounds like good odds but if you encounter more than one person per day you have to multiply the probabilities and... Long story short: you're not crazy, everyone else is :)

i attract depressed alcoholics - probably because i am a depressed alcoholic. you're so great! i would totally go gay for you if you were into that. which i know you're not. and i'm not really either. shit. time to drink some beer and be depressed. and hang out with my cats.

2. maybe so many people in the usa have mental issues at some point these days, the odds are that the majority who hit on you will have had mental issues. maybe what you get hit with is just proportional to the single dudes in our age group.

I also have many, many experiences with being courted by the crazies, or the weird ones, or the ones where you find yourself wondering, "If we were to date, could I really introduce this person to my friends? I mean, he's not very socially acceptable or friendly, is he?"

Yeah, those kind of guys hit on me all the time.

But besides that, I could have easily written your first three paragraphs in my own blog. I am constantly inwardly reinforcing my own weaknesses and faults in life, and the phrase "hopelessly mediocre" is something I use internally to describe myself all the time. I try to tell other people this as well - "I'm really not as smart/cool/funny as you think I am, and nothing I've done is really all that awesome." - and I feel like they say, "Yeah, right, Jane, whatever." Yet I know I'm just smart enough for people to have really high expectations of me, but not smart enough to actually fulfill any of those expectations.

Anyway, I was just posting to say that you are not alone. As if you needed to be told that, but still. :)

I have attracted, and been attracted to, multiple men with clinical depression. 3x in a row, I would date one, it would end, I would meet someone else and think, "Okay, this one's not crazy." And then he would turn out to be. A lot of people have, shall we say, challenges. Rather than looking for someone who doesn't, it's good to find one who has confronted his demons and has them under control. I'm not saying that'll be easy. But as one of my friends used to say, "There all crazy. You may as well pick one of the ones who have been diagnosed."

Say something

So, I have a tendency to start sentences with, "So, I have a tendency…” Sometimes I go places, wander off, get lost, and find my way back without realizing I was lost in the first place. And then everyone's all, "where've you been?" and I'm all, "I dunno, over there somewhere." Sometimes I skip breakfast and regret it later.