Computers

posted Feb 22, 2018, 2:40 PM by Viktor Zólyomi

A new popular science article by a top researcher at the University of Con City is making headlines due to its much appreciated attempt to explain sophisticated technology to laymen. The article discusses computers, more specifically, how they operate.

`Most people assume it's all just wires and electricity,' says Professor van der Bishop, author of the article. `In reality, computers function thanks to the hard labor of tiny lifeforms that inhabit the interior of computers. They are black, have three legs, and have no arms. We call them transistors.'

The article goes on to explain that computers essentially work like an ordinary factory, in which the little three legged creatures are the workers. What differentiates computers from let's say a manufacturing plant, is how the workers inside do their job.

`Since they have no arms, they are unsuitable for manual labor,' the Professor states. `However, they have extensive telepathic and telekinetic powers. They stand still with their legs - which function like antennas - spread in a rigid stance, use telekinesis to move the electrons in the circuits of the computer, and rely on telepathy to coordinate their work.'

The wondrous creatures described in the article sound like no other lifeform on Earth. One might therefore wonder where they came from.

`The transistors are aliens from outer space,' Professor van der Bishop explains. `They came to Earth in the first half of the 20th century after the tragic destruction of their homeworld. They integrated into human society by taking up jobs inside radios, and later, television sets. Their knowledge and skills were instrumental in the invention of computers, and in time the majority of transistors established careers working in these new machines. It is since then that the transistors are black. Originally they came in various colors, such as green, white, blue, and others. But inside computers, it is so dark that the transistors can't tell each other's colors, so they all shed their colors in favor of the simple black body that makes them feel like they fit in better in their new environment.'

The Professor's article discusses, at length, the advantages and disadvantages of employing members of an alien race as workers inside dark, tight confines, and draws attention to the scientific fact that ninety-nine out of one hundred alien species would have rebelled against the human race by now in such working conditions. And while the occasional system crashes and the prevalence of damaging computer viruses gives clear indication of some unrest and poor health conditions among the transistor population, the Professor points out that in general the worker satisfaction of the three legged little aliens is exceedingly high.

`They are happier with their jobs than any human on the planet,' he states. `In fact, they couldn't be happier with their legal agreements with humanity. The reason for this is that by giving them jobs inside computers, we shelter them from the most dangerous threat to their existence: birds. Despite being alien to Earth's biosphere, or perhaps for that very reason, birds love to feed on them. Transistors therefore live in constant fear of being devoured by giant feathery creatures, and not just because of Earth's birds, but also because their home planet was eaten by a giant cosmic bird that hatched from the sun in their home system. Therefore, they love to work in confined environments like the interior of machines; it is the only way they feel safe.'

Professor van der Bishop also warns the readers against disrupting the safety of transistors by opening the chassis of their computers, for any reason.

`We should treat them with respect and give them both safety and privacy,' the Professor says. `Therefore, we should always keep every computer chassis closed. Often, users open up the chassis in order to provide more ventilation, mistakenly believing that doing so may help prevent system crashes from overheating. But in fact, opening the chassis just agitates the transistors, and increases the likelihood of panic or unrest among them, which will crash the computer very quickly. It is best, therefore, to keep the chassis closed at all times.'

And while the Professor's instructions may sound counterintuitive, he offers further incentive to let the transistors work at their own pace.

`Computers crash sometimes, but you shouldn't try to avoid this by terrorizing the workers with an open chassis and the threat of being scooped up by a passing sparrow,' he advises. `Crashes are just the transistors' way of telling you that they are overworked. Let them rest at such times, and switch the computers back on when the workers are fresh and ready for the next shift. They will thank you. Pay attention the next time you watch adult videos on the internet. If you find that the videos are high resolution and very smooth, rather than pixellated and crashing every time your preferred sexual organ fills the screen, it's because you treated your workers well and they rewarded you by finding the best quality adult content for you that the internet has to offer. The secret of a good working relationship is to treat your workers with respect, irrespective of whether your workers are tiny three legged aliens from outer space.'

If you would like to know how computers work in detail, request a reprint of the Professor's new popular science article, `Why miniature three legged space aliens work day and night inside our computers to help us find adult videos on the internet,' from the Department of Bullshitology - where Professor van der Bishop serves as Head of Department - at the University of Con City.

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