Dowtown is Hip! So They Keep Saying.

It's doubtful you read the magazine called Units, which, despite its sexy title, is the official periodical of the National Apartment Association. And since you don't read it, we thought we'd do it for you, especially since in the June issue just received here at Unfair Park, there's a piece headlined "Sexy in the City" all about the "hot urban living" going on the downtown Dallas buildings that have been rehabbed as "magnets for young professionals." The piece, written by a Virginia-based freelance writer named Rachel Goldberg, reads like an advertorial for such downtown rehabs as the Davis Building, the DP&L Flats and Mosaic, the latter of which is scheduled to open some time in November. But as much as anything, the story gives a hot-rock massage to Trigon Management president Ryan Baldwin, who leases out these "fun, frisky" properties for developer Larry Hamilton, the Denver-based brains behind the redo of these once-crumbling landmark buildings. In short, the piece sells downtown as a hot bed of activity full of swingin' lofts stocked with the bold and the beautiful who hustle and bustle like it's NYC circa Jay McInerney:

"Cigar lounge, restaurant and bar, room service and concierge sound like services found at hotels rather than in apartments, but those are design elements and services used in several downtown Dallas rehabilitated historic buildings...cater to young urban professionals...offer young, edgy lifestyles...'youthful yuppies...30-something millionaires'...hip, young, savvy professionals seeking an urban lifestyle...cool urban living space."

All she leaves out are the coke and limos. That's the story in a nutshell, save for the pornographic descriptions of the floorplans and "in-unit amenities," including "ceramic glass cook-tops, polished concrete or terrazzo floors, wet bars, balconies, terraces and hot tubs." Not coincidentally the story appeared last week, when Baldwin was scheduled to speak at the 2006 NAA Education Conference & Exposition in Denver. His topic: "It's a Y World: Recognizing and Responding to the Millennium Generation." Apparently, I am too old to live downtown, because I have no idea what the "Millennium Generation" is. Oh, says here: "Millennium Generation Renounce Drugs, Sex, and Parties - Are These The New Non-Conformists?" Dude, no thanks. --Robert Wilonsky