I don’t have a drinking problem
I drink til I get drunk
Then I stumble home
Where I live all alone
And I diddle my own junk.
I don’t have a drinking problem
The problem is you see
When I am sober
I look the world over
And the world has a problem with me.
So I go to the neighborhood bar
Start with a whiskey and beer chaser
Every one of them that I belt down
Acts like a problem eraser.
All my troubles disappear
Then I fall off of the stool
I don’t see
What the problem can be
So, what’s the matter with you?
I don’t have a drinking problem
I drink til I get drunk
Then I stumble home
Where I live all alone
And I diddle my own junk.
I don’t have a drinking problem
The problem is you see
When I am sober
I look the world over
And the world has a problem with me.
So I go to the neighborhood bar
And put down a pint or ten
Soon all the old biddies there
Start looking beautiful again
I start flirting with the ladies
Must of’m older than me Mum
Then I pinch all the lasses
Upon their big asses
And get tossed out on me bum.
I don’t have a drinking problem
I drink til I get drunk
Then I stumble home
Where I live all alone
And I diddle my own junk.
I don’t have a drinking problem
The problem is you see
When I am sober
I look the world over
And the world has a problem with me.
So, I go to the neighborhood bar
Where I drink all day and night
My beer muscles start growing stronger
And I go looking for a fight
My slurred words start the trouble
My pushing eggs it on some more
I get punched in the eye
And in my reply
My face hits on the floor
I don’t have a drinking problem
I drink til I get drunk
Then I stumble home
Where I live all alone
And I diddle my own junk.
I don’t have a drinking problem
The problem is you see
When I am sober
I look the world over
And the world has a problem with me.

Holidays come and holidays go, but the grocery store is a war zone.
You got to get there fast… or Honey you’re just plain out of luck!
My diabetic hubby drinks caffeine free diet soda and what luck…
You know the ones he takes to work... Only the little bottles are left…
I knew I was truly sunk when the 3rd store was just the same.
So as lunch came around, my manly man’s manly sized lunch came out.
But everyone became quiet and laughed as the baby sized bottle came out.
Everyone was laughing as my hubby drank it down.
Then he held it up and said “In your diapers” as everyone laughed around.
And to everyone’s surprise he pulled another one out from his lunch…
This time there was applause as he drank that sucker down.
Today was his day to entertain.
Tomorrow it’ll be someone else’s to claim.
Thank goodness his sense of humor… is worthy of acclaim…

Apple pucker gets things started.
Bacardi Limon, with Sprite of course.
Cactus Juice, on the rocks.
Dirty mother, one of my Kahlua faves.
Eggnog, now even more so my Christmas fave.
French Connection, takes me to France for next to nothing.
Gin and tonic, just to try it.
Hypnotiq, I'm hooked on it.
Incredible Hulk, he'll tear you up.
Jack Daniels, my new best friend.
Kahlua, add it to coffee...mmmm mmmm good.
Long Island Iced Tea, one is not enough for me.
Malibu and Coke for an island escape.
Nuttini, the only martini that I will touch.
Ouzo, Greeks can keep this for themselves, I wouldn't mind one bit.
Pina coladas, problems soon forgotten.
Quince liqueur, if I have the time.
Rusty Nail, the kind I don't mind if I encounter.
Sex on the beach, now that's always fun.
Tequila one, tequila two, tequila three, tequila floor.
U-238, the only bomb I wanna be blown away by.
Velvet Hammer, can pound on me anytime.
Whiskey, Irish whiskey, preferably...goes down smooth, doesn't burn.
XXX, the Molson that will wreak havoc with my head.
York Peppermint Patty shot when my breath needs refreshing.
Zima, for something to break the ice.