CN: Sex, weight, mention of specific dress size,

porn, relationships, age gaps

Taking the blogosphere by storm with a no-bullshit attitude to sex, love and womanhood, Biba Kang has written about everything from role-play, to lube, to the importance of having pubes. But that’s not to say it hasn’t been a learning curve. Her writing is distinctly frank and candid, which is refreshing when it comes to the tabooed topic of sex. Today, she gives us a little glimpse into how she became the woman she is now, revealing the love and sex-related tips she’d dispense to her teenage self if she ever got the chance.

ADVICE TO MY TEENAGE SELF

It is, admittedly, the case that most people write these sort of pieces in their forties, with two or three decades of wisdom separating them from the confusion of their adolescence. But, always one for delusions of maturity, I am writing this now, at 20, having been a teenager roughly one second ago (and still carrying the teenage trait of finding exaggeration pretty damn amusing).

But this is because, even with the very little distance I have from my teenage self, I still feel I’ve gained enough perspective to tell her where she was going wrong. Give this a read, imagined, me-junior. Here is my list of advice for her:

Try to worry less about your weight. You’re only worrying about it because you think that being more than a size 8 will preclude your ever getting laid. It doesn’t. One of the most valuable life lessons you learn is that cake and cock are not mutually exclusive.

Do not confuse having a poor central heating system with wanting a relationship. You will get a boyfriend when you are emotionally ready to give and receive love, not as a hot water-bottle substitute.

Be warned, your association of ‘the having of sex’ with ‘the being of legendary status’ is not yet a mentality shared by the outside world. When people call you a slut it is apparently inappropriate to say ‘I wish’.

Image by Hey Paul Studios

Continue your habit of reading erotica from the 1950s, rather than watching internet pornography. All moral issues aside, porn sites can give your computer viruses, and these function as the cyber equivalent of STIs.

You will eventually get boobs, although you have to wait until you a) go on the pill, and b) discover that cheddar is not the only cheese! (That’s not a metaphor for a sexual awakening, I genuinely didn’t encounter Brie until university.)

Stop fantasising about older men. You will eventually tire of their embarrassing over-use of non-ironic emojis and start going for people your own age.

Stop practising for ‘Skype sex’ on your laptop webcam. You don’t even download Skype until 2016. And even then it’s just so you can discuss your dissertation with professors over the holiday. And they generally hate it when you start masturbating.”