Tuesday, February 5, 2013

What do we do if we can't reach an agreement?

When divorcing parents plan to make joint decisions as part of their parenting plan, they often wonder: "What will we do if we can't reach an agreement?" It is a good question. In fact, all divorced parents can anticipate that there will be times that they won't see eye-to-eye on how to solve a problem. Parents still have options, however, even when it seems an agreement is out of reach. Listed below are steps that can be taken, listed from least to most intrusive, to break an impasse. Except in the cases of emergency or when the children's safety is at stake, it usually helps to start with the least intrusive option and work from there up the list until the problem is solved.

1. Walk away if the problem is not a high priority. Save the hard negotiating for the important issues.

2. Get third party advice. If the issue is about schooling, consult a teacher or educational professional. If it is about a medical or psychological concern, ask the pediatrian's advice. If it is about the parenting-time schedule, ask other divorced parents how they solved similar problems.

3. Use a parent facilitator or parent coordinator to meet with you and the other parent regularly to work out parenting issues.

4. Agree for a third party to make the decision for you. If you can't agree whether the childen need counseling, for example, you might agree to follow the pediatrician's recommendation.

5. Attend mediation.

6. Hire an arbitrator to listen to your perspectives and to make the decision for you.

7. File a motion with the court to modify your parenting plan.

Remember, starting with less intrusive options before resorting to more aggressive strategies, such as arbitration or filing a motion with the court, avoids escalating tensions. And don't be afraid to ask your ex which of these problem-solving strategies he or she thinks might work: "We're stuck, how about if we ask the pediatrician what she thinks?"

About this Blog

Dr. Mark Otis has been a practicing psychologist in Dallas since 1979. He writes and produces multimedia educational and training material for divorce professionals and divorcing parents who want to improve their co-parenting, negotiation, mediation, and conflict de-escalation skills. Dr. Otis recently moved to Denver, Colorado where he continues his consultation practice.

Welcome Back, Pluto

If you have confronted many instances of parent-child alienation, you have probably encountered children who insist upon calling their rejected parent by their first name (or worse). Perhaps in most instances, the alienated children’s intent is to show contempt towards the rejected parent: “You don’t deserve the name Mom or Dad, you’ve lost the right to that respect.” Welcome Back, Pluto presents this issue to children and adults in an even-handed manner designed to replace contempt with compassion and hurt with understanding.

A Psychedelic Pluto

Pluto lit up for the holidays

Contact Mark Otis

email: mark@markrotis.com

Check out this new online divorce service

If you are a married parent living in Texas and are considering divorce, check out a new online service, Negotiated Divorce, for couples who want to conduct their own divorce. Negotiated Divorce was designed by legal, mental health and financial divorce professionals with over 90 years combined experience. Designed to be more than another document service, the site has extensive educational material and easy to follow instructions to help parents make informed agreements about parenting plans, financial issues, and property settlements. Based on a core value that "negotiated solutions are the best solutions," Negotiated Divorceis the only online service that offers extensive multimedia educational material focused exclusively on helping couples learn the skills and tools of negotiating that are so necessary to good agreements. . Check it out.

One of the hallmarks of divorce conflict is insufficient civility. Everyday, angry ex’ send contentious, nasty emails and texts that they...

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If you are family lawyer wanting to improve your analysis of mental health professionals's evaluations of your clients (or if you are a mental health professional preparing to testify about an evaluation you conducted), be sure to read the two best books on the market:Confronting Mental Health Evidence and How to Examine Mental Health Experts. Written by John A. Zervopoulos, Ph.D., J.D., these books will organize your analysis, guide your questions, and improve your practice.

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Video links

Bargaining is often an essential component to how satisfied the parties feel about a negotiation. Making concessions back and forth reassures each party that the other side is willing to consider their concerns. But when an agreement is reached without either side making significant concessions, both parties may walk away dissatisfied, wondering if they could have achieved more.For a light-hearted look at this dynamic, watch this classic scene from Seinfeld where Kramer and Jerry’s father negotiate the sale of some raincoats.

Monty Python also took a look at bargaining -- but puts a reverse spin on it in this hilarious scene set in a middle east bazaar.

It's a negotiation! Or is it? Watch this lawyer, played by George Clooney, begin settlement discussionsin his client's divorce.

Interests are at the core of every negotiation. Can you identify the landlord's interests in this scene from The Tenant?

One can't succeed without risking failure. Check out these inspirational videos about infamous failures such as Abraham Lincoln and Michael Jordan if you feel that failure is weighing you down.

I've used this clip from the Wedding Crashers for years to illustrate the importance of the relationship between the parties to succeed at a negotiation. Don't be fooled by their sarcasism and cynicism, these mediators know what they're doing to help the divorcing parties reach an agreement.

Need to laugh?

It's important for all of us to be able to laugh at ourselves, including mental health professionals. Here's aclassic sketch starring Bob Newhart that pokes good fun at therapy.

Mindset

Do you know the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset? It's an important concept with which all parents should be familiar. Check out this informative and inspiring TedTalk by Eduardo Briceno.

Brandon Todd illustrates the importance of persistence to a growth mindset. Inspiring short documentary of how a man challenged himself to do what others said was not possible.