Monday, January 19, 2009

...all from ONE comment...

I have gone from picking out my wedding and bridesmaids dresses to feeling like the bottom of my world has fallen out in a mere 12 hours. I haven't felt this devastated in years, if ever. I don't think one can ever forget the pain of a heartbreak...but I'll tell you this...the pain worsens every time it happens.

I'll back up.

A comment I made lead to a conversation in which the words "I don't know if I'm IN LOVE with you" were said to me. My heart cracked into a million pieces. Although I've been feeling a little off in my relationship lately, I never thought that this would be the outcome. Later on in the same conversation, which involved a lot of tears on both sides, it was decided that we do indeed have something to work on...something special enough to fight for...and that a couple sessions with a counselor might benefit us. At least we'll know that we tried if things don't work out. Of course, after not sleeping a single wink all night, my emotions are on overload and I'm not quite sure what to think anymore.

My question is : Can you fall in love with someone after this much time?

I'm so scared. I AM in love with this man and to hear that it's not mutual is devastating. He loves my son...loves being the man in his life...and I don't doubt that he loves me....but to what level or extent? I am lost. I have never felt this horrible about myself. I have never doubted my actions more than I do right now. I'm trying to focus on the positive - the desire to work things out - but the fear of that not happening is stifleing. The thought of throwing away all the hopes and the dreams I had for us is beyond heartbreaking. I not only fell in love with this man, but with his family too...and his friends...and his life. I need this to work. I need to know he's as committed to making it work as I am. Our conversation last night said he was...a night of no sleep is playing with that statement in my mind.

All I know is that I'm in a place I hoped and prayed I'd never be in again. God help me.

Girl! I'm going to tell you exactly what i think! First of all, I'm terribly sorry. Your feelings are hurt and I'm so so sorry. But, I don't think being in love is all that important. I mean it for real. "In love" is a feeling that comes and goes. He may or may not have those happy happy in love feelings right now, especially if you two have been in a rough patch. But, if he "loves" you. If he cares about how you feel, if he wants to take care of you and spend the rest of his life with you and your child, if he's ready to put your needs before his own, and go down the good and bad roads with you, that's love. That's what we need in a marriage partner. Not someone who thinks we're so cool that they can't stand to be away from us for a minute. You can't build a life on that. 1 Corinthians says "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." See, don't worry. Nothing in there about how you feel about each other on your worst day ever. Nothing about being in love. If my dh had said that to me, it would have hurt my feelings too, and I think you're smart to go to counseling. I hope you guys get everything straightened out. Please don't be sad. I love my dh to pieces, but I'm only "in love" with him about half the time, LOL, and I think we have a great marriage so far! PM me if you want to vent or anything. I'm here for you! big (((hugs)))

I have completely been in this situation -- only, my relationship lasted 4 years, and then the 5th year we did so much damage to each other that I had to cut him out of my life completely. He as a manipulative jerk though -- sounds like Phil's not, he's just a guy who loves you and is trying to be honest with you.

I don't necessarily have any answers, but I have grown and changed a lot in the year+ since this happened to me, and I think I'm a pretty good sounding board if you want to talk about it.

Good luck! Stay strong, stay positive, and remember that you DESERVE the exact kind of love that you WANT, and it's out there for you somewhere.

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Amy J is...

I'm a 31 year old single mom of an awesome 3.5 year old little boy. We also have a wonderful man in our life who we love and adore. Our little family loves to travel, spend time with our loved ones, read, sing, cook and boat on Lake Minnetonka.