THOUGH JUST A DAY PAST ITS SELL-BY, IT DOES SMELL A BIT IFFY.

NOTES ON A SMALL MARMITE JAR*

Preamble 1: Lots of people have written about Marmite and its divisive qualities; I get that. This is, however, no doubt a key addition to the body of work.

Preamble 2: Yes, Marmite is usually on something, so seeing the word ‘on’ before the brand does look a bit weird.

Anyway, I have recently started eating and enjoying Marmite. I have recently started eating and enjoying Marmite on Ryvita. Although this is an inevitable punchline, I will point out that this was not previously the case.

Salty, strangely delicious and offering a sensation veering towards light head-rush, this most ubiquitous of products has called into question everything I thought I ever was, and also everything I considered to be at least moderately likely to happen in my future.

I give my entire history of opinions and emotions 2/10. How could I have been so wrong for so long?

The only down-side I can possibly see is that, much like Lyle’s Golden Syrup, Marmite has a tendency to form sticky string which can connect jar, knife and work surface if you fail to take the utmost care. And as everyone who’s been in the throes of yeast extract passion will know, such meticulous consideration is impossible.

Ladies and gentlemen, we live in a world of vicarious truth and devoid of reassuring constants. I might as well become a Nazi or Manchester United fan.