Jennifer Aniston Goes Straight to Mopey

Unlike her standard publicity methodology where Jennifer Aniston first talks about being topless in her latest movie, then gets praised by vagina heads for being so brave in her 40's, then turns out not to be topless, then conjures up rumors about her dating her hunky co-star, then leaks tales of being a sexually vibrant nymph with a polyp-free colon, and then ultimately runs off and hides without any makeup in a Ramada Inn putting on four ounces of unhappiness and grump, Jennifer has skipped right to the grump this go-round. She's filming 'Cake' with Sam Worthington and not even pretending they're having a secret romance. She's still keeping up appearances with the dude from the last movie she's talked about marrying for a couple years now. But Jen's destiny remains to be forlorn and love-lost and a bunch of other words that mean Angelina Jolie when she still had breasts done stole your man. Sorry, Jen's publicists, you don't hold my balls in your hands like People magazine. I speak the unfettered truth of the inconsequential and mildly retarded set.