The EXPLODER! 3: Family Tradition

That’s right folks you have heard it correct. Champ Kennedy and Championship Productions are planning to launch a series of EXPLODER! movies straight to dvd. When asked why such a decision was made EXPLODER! creator E-Rokk had this to say, “We feel that the true fans of EXPLODER! leave the theater hungry for more and the movies just aren’t released to theaters soon enough to quell that hunger. After some serious consideration we decided it would be best to start a continuous filming process as though we were filming episodes of a tv show and release a new EXPLODER! movie every two months.”

Soon after this news came to light the original actor to play Dalton Hawk a.k.a the EXPLODER!, the genetically engineered son of Patrick Swayze and Sylvester Stallone said he would not be returning to the role of Dalton Hawk…even though his real name is Dalton Hawk. He made this statement at a press conference, “Are you fucking kidding me? Look at my macho good looks. I am devilishly handsome, its like I am cut out of solid rock, straight to dvd my finely toned ass. I can get work anywhere. The wild unruly locks f my mullet will ensure that. Besides, Champ Kennedy and E-Rokk, those guys are idiots…who needs them.”

Two days after making that statement Dalton Hawk realized he was a genetic mistake and that no one actually wanted him around if he wasn’t acting in the EXPLODER! films so he went over to Steven Sagal’s house and told him that”Exit Wounds” sucked ass, then ate the last of his donuts. Sagal became so enraged that he kicked Dalton in the throat. Sure it was a fat old man kick, but Dalton was a pussy and died instantly. That’s what you call suicide by Sagal or Sagalicide if you’re fancy…and we are fucking fancy.

After months of searching for the perfect actor to take on the role of Dalton Hawk, it was decide that no mere mortal could play him and they would have to genetically engineer a new actor. This time they decided upon a mix of Vin Diesel and Lorenzo Lamas with just a hint of Eric Stoltz for good luck. This new creation’s name would be…Strobe Eagleknifeelectricguitarbadass.

And now with out further a due The EXPLODER! 3: Family Tradition!

Using his time traveling big rig Dalton has traveled back to his own time. When he jumps out of the big rig and sets foot on the ground he finds himself surrounded by at least 200 men in black suits. The leader of the black suits informs Dalton that he is to come with them and he has no alternative. Dalton responds by saying, “You’re outta line…and if you step outta line, your ass is mine!”

Then in an even more heroic feet the Neo fighting the Smith’s in Matrix2, Dalton whips all of the black suits asses with out even breaking a sweat. After he leaves them alllying around on the ground he walks over to the leader and asks, “Who sent you?” The leader responds by saying he is with a secret government organization known as Bureau of Universal Time Travel…or BUTT, and that they need the help of the great Dalton Hawk and his time traveling big rig.

Being the adventurer that he is Dalton decides to go with them and see what this is all about. Upon arriving at the BUTT Headquarters of Operations and Lethal Expeditions Dalton is taken to an underground section of the base where he meets with the president (Played by Robert Duvall). The president tells him that the BUTT has been in existence since the late 1950’s and that their original purpose was to develop a safe and reliable method of time travel. Soon after its inception however the organization learned that the Soviets had their own time travel device and that they were using it to bring famous Russians throughout history to the future to defeat the Capitalists.

The BUTT changed its mission statement to include monitoring all time travel activity, and beating the Soviets at their own game. In the late 1980’s after the Soviets brought back Stalin and Rasputin, the BUTT decided to go back in time to just before the Soviets had a chance to build their device and kidnap all the scientists working on it. Soon after that the cold war ended as a result of what the president referred to as the “Time Wars”.

Now however the BUTT learned that there had apparently been a prototype device built by the Soviets, but due to some complications it was thought the device couldn’t return to its point of origin once it was used so it was locked up in a warehouse. Apparently an international gun runner named Griffin Doppeldorf learned of its secret location and used it to evade capture. He went back to the dark ages but soon found he couldn’t return to the present. Using some of the weapons he took with him he quickly rose to be king of the province he landed in. Now he was running amok in the past.

The president went on to explain that as part of the peace accords after the Time Wars, the U.S. had to dismantle all of its time travel devices, but that Griffin needed to be stopped. He then asked Dalton if he and his time traveling big rig would work as independent contractors for the government, go back in time and stop Griffin Doppeldorf. Dalton thought it over a minute and decided that he was the man for the job, but he would need back. With that Dalton said he would be ready to leave in three days and walked out.

The next day Dalton is in his big rig heading to the Blue Ridge Mountains. His inner monologue is narrating all the things he has to do, as the big rig pulls on to a dirt road. He pulls up to a Beverly Hillbillyesque shack and he hops out. A long Haired man with a shot gun (played by Kevin Sorbo) emerges from the shack holding a shotgun and says “Yall got about four seconds to getch yer ass offa my propertee!!!” Dalton calls out, “I’m not going anywhere, don’t step outta line!!!” The long haired man takes aim at Dalton, but Dalton jumps at him and they start to fight.

This should have been an easy fight for Dalton, open up a can of whoop ass and be on his way, but it wasn’t. Every punch, every kick, every maneuver was blocked by the long haired man, they were equals. Finally the two are both out of breath and bloodied when they start to talk.

Dalton: Your fighting skills haven’t dropped off at all.
LHM: What did you expect, I would just give up too? I’m not like you.Dalton: I didn’t give up, I had been busted to many times, and I needed to lie low for awhile.LHM: You broke daddy’s heart.Dalton: Daddy understood.LHM: DADDY’S DEAD!!!Dalton: What?!?! (A tear wells up in his eye)LHM: Daddy died a few weeks after you left for the bayou. He got shot by revenuers while running a load of shine.

Dalton falls to his knees and begins to cry. He pounds his fists on the dirt then leans back and raises his arms to the heavens screaming out “WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!”. Some cheesyBaywatch style music starts playing.

LHM:That aint gonna do no good Dalton, you never did make much sense.
Dalton: If daddy’s dead who is running the shine business?LHM: I am, I don’t suppose you’re here to tell me you are back to help out. Carry on the Family Tradition are you?Dalton: Not yet, I am here because I need your help…brother. (“Brother” is stressed in an over dramatic way because NO ONE saw that one coming.)

Dalton and his brother walk into the shack and he explains his mission. In the course of the explanation you learn that his brother’s name is Randal Gentry Hawk, or R.G. and that the family has been making moon shine for over 100 years. You also learn that Dalton used to run all of the shine in his big rig down to the southern states and that he was almost busted the last time which is why he decided to stay in the bayou hiding out for a while. After he says his piece Dalton says, “You don’t have to answer me now R.G., but I would like an answer in the morning. I will be staying at a truck stop in town.” R.G. replies, “Your answer is no! Aint no way I am helping you on some cockamamie scheme for the government.” Dalton looks at him over his shoulder and says “I’ll be back in the morning.”

Dalton pulls his rig into the parking lot of the truck stop, gets a room and heads to the bar. He starts drinking and a blond woman walks up to him, she starts flirting and sits on his lap. She reaches down and grabs Dalton’s man steak when her husband storms over and starts swinging at Dalton. He grabs a pool cue and begins an all out bar brawl. Just then outside R.G. pulls up on his Harley and walks in to see the fight. He dives right in and fights back to back with his brother. The two easily defeat all the drunken brawlers. R.G. looks at Dalton and says, “I guess we got a new family tradition…Kickin’ Ass! You can count me in on your mission.”

The next day they drive back to the BUTT Headquarters of Operations and Lethal Expeditions and start preparing for their mission. R.G. informs the president that he will help out, but only if he can run shine when he gets back with out getting busted. The president said he would look into it. A crew of tech guys begins fitting the big rig with a weapons system and a “Training Montage” starts while Europe’s “The Final Countdown” kicks in to full effect.

The next day the brothers get into the rig and travel through time to the dark ages. When they arrive they streak through the sky like a fire ball and land near a cave. Dalton drives the rig into the cave and the cover it with sticks and leaves. The get a few supplies and decide to look for a town. What they don’t know is that they are being watched by a young boy.

The boy runs back to his village and informs his elders that the fireball in the sky was a great dragon at that the two dragon riders were heading to their village. Just then a look out screams from out side. The villagers come out from their meeting place to see Dalton and R.G. coming up the road. The eldest elder cries out, “Halt dragon riders, we seek no trouble from you, but we will defend ourselves.” Dalton and R.G. look at each other and Dalton yells back that they aren’t looking for a fight, just some food and a place to rest.

Dalton and R.G. are led to the inn and the order something to eat. The bar wench (played by Stacy Sanches) takes special interest in Dalton. Soon after the eldest elder enters the inn and sits at the table with them. He say to the two “dragon riders”, “Our village has been put through so much devastation since the rise of King Doppeldorf, we can not take anymore. We think it would be in the best interest of everyone involved if you two were to keep moving on first thing in the morning.” Dalton looks at the elder and says, “We have come to defeat King Doppeldorf and take him back with us so that he can pay for what he’s done.

The elder meditates for a moment and feels Dalton is telling the truth. He offers them whatever help the villagers can offer and sits chatting with them for some time. As Dalton and the elder talk R.G. starts playing darts and card games with some of the other people in the bar, he eventually is led off to his room by some of the homelier barmaids that want to hook up with him. As the candle light begins to fade the eldest elder wishes the two adventurers luck and leaves for the evening. The bar wench that was interested in Dalton earlier leads him to his room.

When they enter the room she locks the door behind them and says, “My name is Penny. I knew from the moment I saw you the fates brought you to us. You two are going to deliver us from the rule of the evil King Doppeldorf and return peace to our land. My father, the owner of the inn was taken to Doppeldorf castle when he refused to serve Doppeldorf’s men. He was tortured for days then thrown in the dungeon. No one heard from him for weeks and I assumed him dead until last week when news came from a boy that was snooping around the castle that my father is still live, but he is very sick. When you raid Doppeldorf castle, can you please rescue my father.” Dalton looked deep into her eyes and swore he would. Moments later she was begging for the Hawk Kawk and he gives her the full package. They pork like maniacs while some Pat Benatar music plays in the background.

The next day Dalton and R.G. gear up and head out for the cave and their truck. Just before they leave the eldest elder presents R.G. with an enchanted ax called Dar’Ruu and gives Dalton “The Sword of the Ancients”. They take the directions to Doppeldorf castle and the supplies the townsfolk had given them. Luckily for Dalton the BUTT outfitted his rig with off road tires so it was easy to get around with out paved roads. As they crested over the last hill before the castle, they brought the rig to a halt.

Dalton: Buckle Up

R.G.: You’re not gonna…

Dalton: Do you see a better way in?

R.G.: Awe shit.

Dalton: Let’s haul ass!

R.G.: AWWWWWWWE SHITTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

Dalton puts the pedal to the metal and charges toward the door. Molly Hatchet’s “Flirtin With Disaster” starts cranking in the background. The rig rams through the castle door and the door itself explodes into a shower of splinters. Dalton and R.G. jump out and just start wailing on some asses. The battle is so epic it is like the battle scenes from “Return of the King”, “Return of the Jedi”, “Willow”, “Apocalypse Now”, “Saving Private Ryan”, “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers “, “A Bridge Too Far”, “Tora! Tora! Tora!”, “Zulu”, “Starship Troopers”, “Braveheart”, “Gladiator”, “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace”, “King Arthur”, “Dune”, “Enemy at the Gates”, “We Were Soldiers”, “Black Hawk Down”, “The Patriot”, “Glory”, “The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe”, “Aliens”, “Excalibur”, “The Empire Strikes Back”, “Alexander Nevsky”, “Gettysburg”, “Kingdom of Heaven”, “Star Wars: Atack of the Clones”, “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith” and “Fly Boys” combined!!!

This shit was bad ass and EPIC. R.G swinging his ax and Dalton his mighty sword. The two slaughtered thousands of Doppeldorf’s troops. When they had finished the were both bathed in blood and bits of entrails. Dalton bent down to a soldier who was still alive but who’s intestines were laying on the ground, he grabbed his shirt and demanded, “Where’s Doppeldorf?!?!”

Just then a single figure appeared at the top of the stairs and yelled “I am here!” The camera zooms in on the fully mulleted figure who looks like an ancient warrior and the audience gets their first look at Doppeldorf (played by none other than Billy Ray Cyrus). The two brothers charge up the stairs toward him and he stands ready. After engaging in a clash for the ages to remember, Billy Ray…er um Doppeldorf stabs R.G. in the stomach and tosses him off the stairwell. Dalton screams out “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” He holds up his sword and curses Doppeldorf’s name. Lighting strikes from the sky and hits the tip of his sword, the thunder crashes so loud the ground rumbles and Dalton swings his blade and connects with Doppeldorf’s causing the evil king’s sword to explode in his hand.

Because of the massive charge from the lighting and the earthquake from the thunder the castle is falling apart (as in any good movie with a castle, an evil king and a battle scene) and Doppeldorf gets trapped under a large rock. Dalton scoops up R.G. and is able to escape the castle just before it crashes to the ground. Outside the castle walls Penny’s father is waiting with three fresh horses (he was freed from the dungeon without explanation, but I assure you it isn’t a plot hole0 and the ride back to the village.

Back at the inn they fix up R.G. enough to make the trip back to the future and Dalton bangs Penny a few more times. The next day before they leave the village sculptor shows off the statue he’s been working on all night. It was Dalton and R.G. carved from marble and displayed in the village square (don’t point out that no one could carve agianst marble statue in one night) and Penny gives Dalton an amulet to signify her love for him.

Everyone says their good byes and then Dalton and R.G. return to the future. The Credits roll and the final message to those watching at home is…