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Author
Topic: Been struggling: UPDATE (Read 6866 times)

Some of you will remember how I was fired from my teaching post last Nov, after I was outed by one of the locals here in the village. The past 8 months have been very up and down for me because of that and for other personal issues. I've been particularly struggling this past few months, feel like I've been on a slippery slope down - but because my very black moods were not constant I didnt bother posting about it.

Last night I decided to post. But I sat at my computer in tears, typing and deleting for about an hour. I just couldn't put the right words together to explain how unhappy I have been/I am. I still cant really.

The main reason I am posting tonight is to tell you what happened to me earlier and how I feel about it and to see what you think, if anything:

In a nutshell, I was approached by the mother of one of my ex-pupils from the village school. She wants me to do private lessons with her son, 4 hours a week, starting right away. And she said she will find me other pupils too. I was genuinely delighted because she wanted me specifically and had been trying to track me down for a while, so I said yes I would do it. She said she wants me to teach her son because since I left he has gone very down in his English studies.

But I'm also terrified. She doesn't know why I was fired from the school. And there is the chance she will find out.

I still have no idea who knows/doesn't know about me. It's not that I care about who knows. It's that I care about being fired/rejected again. And I know how fragile I am emotionally and how messed up I still am about being positive. I'm not sure how/if I would cope with another crisis like last time.

As pleased and excited as I felt tonight while I was talking with the mother, I could also feel my stomach starting to churn again. I do want to do this. Private tuition here is my dream job - it's what I was aiming for all along - teaching is the one thing I know I can do and I can do it well. But I'm afraid that I'm constantly going to be holding my breath, waiting for the bubble to burst again.

My best friend and his sister think I should just keep my mouth shut, grab the opportunity to teach again and go with the flow. They say deal with whatever may happen as/when/if it happens...Any thoughts?

Melia

« Last Edit: August 16, 2006, 03:05:09 AM by sweetasmeli »

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/\___/\ /\__/\(=' . '=) (=' . '=)(,,,_ ,,,)/ (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I agree. Teaching is what you love and doing it again might do you loads of good. Just wanted to ask: are you getting some help for all the emotional turmoil you've been experiencing?

Jay

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Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

No Jay, I'm not. I live on a small Greek island and access to counselling is few and far between. I'm in touch via email/msn with a counsellor/friend from Body Positive in the UK and I talk to friends. But I know none of it is helping, I'm still desperately unhappy and have been for a long time...

Thanks Ann/Hal/Jay/Alain for your words of encouragement.

Melia

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/\___/\ /\__/\(=' . '=) (=' . '=)(,,,_ ,,,)/ (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Melia, no one has to live for months and months desperately unhappy, If not counseling, is there apsychiatrist you can see? Have you thought about a course of anti-depressants for a while? Several threads on the subject here.

Jay

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Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

Hey you should definately teach...however you should also anticipate that if the parents find out about your condition, they might stop their kids coming at your house. But dont get too upset about it...these things happen....many people are uneducated about the virus and they have wrong presumptions.

..oh and other thing...if you live in part of the EU, I am pretty sure you could have claimed discrimination under the recent legislation/directive on discimination because of your condition (HIV has been included recently in the UK Disability Discrimination and it is all based on EU law)...anyway its worth investigateing

and if you really want to teach and cannot do in your small village...there is always option of moving somewhere else....the main things is that try not to feel too down...and do whatever is best for you...ignorant people are anywhere whether you have a virus or not

I agree with everyone else, I think you should go for it, don't let anyone stand in the way of your dreams..I know this is easier said than done...but in for a penny in for a pound.Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

I would also go for it. And I would do what your friend and her sister say: donīt tell them you are HIV+. If they find out,that will be the moment to face the problem. But try not to think about things that have not happened yet.I wish you the best.

I think this is what you need !!! I would also go for it. But there are still issues that you are dealing with, and that is something that can not be ignored either. So I would also look into those " far and few between" options, that may be available to you...

Hello Melia, it is Eldon. Don't let your fears scare you away from this opportunity that has been presented to you. Although it was a strain in the past does not mean that it will be a strain for your future. Remember, what you do today dictates your tomorrow.

I agree with everyone, you should go after your dreams and share your gift of teaching with others.

I say go for it, but with a different twist. I personally would make sure the family knows what happened up front, before you have too much vested. If they don't like it, then riddens. I have a feeling though, this family is enlightened enough to take the issue for what it is.

I know this is not necessarily your style but it's a consideration. You may be surprised.

Either way, go for the opportunity. Hopefully this last year has been a full circle to get you where you really want to be.

I also agree with Jason. Be up front about it. I think that will help you tremendously with your moods. Start freeing yourself of all those demons. It would certainly be a win-win situation. YOu'll teach and you'll feel better.

Besides it wouldn't surprise me one bit if the mother already knows. That's probably one reason she is asking you. Who knows? If your diagnosis doesn't stop her it shouldn't stop you.

Definitely DO IT! By telling everyone your in the GREEK ISLES your gonna need a new job to afford a bigger house! This is ONE forum family member that plans on VISITING my lil sister in the wonderful Mediterranean!

I'll need a double bed, and i like orange juice for breakfast! See you soon!

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LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safelyin a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT ARIDE!!!

I agree with everyone else here. Also, have you thought that perhaps the mother already knows? That maybe she is willing to look past your status? With all of the tracking she has done to find you, it would seem odd that somewhere along the line she would not inquire (and learn why) as to the issues leading up to your exit.

I think that maybe you should give her the benefit of the doubt, and yourself....

Greek Islands AND you can hook a brother up with a HENNA tattoo? What are you doing next weekend? I got some frequent flier miles to cash in. (they would only get me to the end of the local runway, but still)

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LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safelyin a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT ARIDE!!!

Hahaha! ACinKC, your posts made me giggle! Btw, There are orange trees in the gardens around my place, so you can literally pick your own!

Well, I'm back after a night of chatting to tourists and watching them get henna tattooed up!

I didn't see the mother of the student, we missed each other, but she left a message saying she would catch up with me asap, so that sounds promising...

But like I said before, I am going to go for it. I've already started dropping little nuggets of my intentions to do private tuition with some other parents and students, so we will see what (if anything) will transpire...the important thing is I feel ready.

Another thing happened tonight. A friend of a friend came to see me. He wants us to do English-Greek sessions together, like a linguistic exchange. So I can improve my Greek and him his English. So we're starting Thurs morning. And the good thing is he and his wife know about my status and they're really good people.

Its like a few weeks ago I was going out of my mind with boredom and frustration, feeling totally worthless. And now suddenly everything is happening at once! Tis good!

I don't know if the mother knows or not. In fact I haven't really got a clue who knows. But anyway, I've decided NOT to say anything about my status to her. Two reasons: firstly, she doesn't need to know and I'm tired of pouring out my heart and soul to people who don't actually need to know; secondly, she is not Greek, she's Albanian - and if you thought the Greeks in my village were behind times re knowledge about hiv and the like, well the Albanians are about 100 years behind the Greeks! Basically, I've decided I'll cross that bridge if or when I come to it...

I am going to look into those few and far between options here re counselling etc. I have a few good connections where I can start, so I will...I don't want to go under emotionally or physically, so I know I have to start taking steps to make sure I don't.

You all said some kind and thought-provoking things here and I truly appreciate you all taking the time to advise and encourage me. It really helped to affirm my decision.

Hopefully, what you said is right Jason: that this last year has been a full circle to get me where I really want to be. As we say in Greek, maxari, which means 'I hope/wish'...

I'll keep you all posted. Thanks again.

Melia

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/\___/\ /\__/\(=' . '=) (=' . '=)(,,,_ ,,,)/ (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Thanks for the PM Jason asking for an update My family are here for a couple of weeks so I'm busy spending time with them, so I'll make this a quickie.

Well the mother hasn't come to see me yet. I don't know what to think but one of the things I am thinking is she has heard the gossip about me and has changed her mind. The possibility pisses me off but I'm trying not to let it grind me down.

Anyway, I have one other student for definite starting with me in September - an 18 year old girl I know.Also I have 2 other maybes and I've started spreading the word a little amongst some ex students of mine from the school. So I'm still at the 'We'll see...' stage...

I feel a mixture of excitement and apprehension. Normal I guess.

Melia

« Last Edit: August 16, 2006, 03:05:55 AM by sweetasmeli »

Logged

/\___/\ /\__/\(=' . '=) (=' . '=)(,,,_ ,,,)/ (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safelyin a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT ARIDE!!!