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the Butterflies…..flew away

I was at the fundraiser site getting a link for the blog when the photo of me caught my eye. What is that, I thought. On my wrist…what is that? Ohhhhhh. Oh wow. It happened so subtly, that I didn’t even notice. I didn’t even realize that I stopped drawing the butterfly on my wrist for the sad people. Maybe I notice it now because now I’m one of the sad people. No, I’m not cutting myself…but I am in a hole. Not even sure how long I’ve been in it now. It’s getting fuzzy. Was I down when I was up? Was my up just a down in disguise? Is there any hope for an artist with too many arts? Too many things to make? But none of them make money. I believe I’ve come to the realization that if I came to earth to have money…get money….be secure, with money….well, in that,….I have failed miserably. I’ll go ahead and take that loss. I bet I got a D-minus. But if I came to earth to be pulled like a gumby in all directions, like rubber…but…..oh, a rubber star! A rubber many many pointed star…Ooooh, like an octopus! Ok, so, if I came to be an octopus artist, well….wham damn fizzle….give the girl a prize!!! Tell her what she’s won!!! You win a scattered life with unfinished projects, a heap of self doubt and a courage to show your art that only activates if the red button is pushed. Where is the red button? Heck if I know.
Buttons. There are buttons that are pushed inside us all….words said to us, or by us, or images we see…..so many ways, but this button gets pushed and people slide down because of the button being pushed. Like an elevator going down. Sometimes the elevator goes all the way down. When it does, we tend to want out of the elevator because it is SO dark. We just want out. We can’t see, feel, hear, smell, taste…nothing. We may as well be dead…in the dark. And that’s just what happens. Many people decide to make that choice…to die…or….some make the choice to NOT die, but to let it be known that they are down on the basement level…..hoping someone will let them out, help them out…push the up button. Those people put a butterfly on their wrist. It is to keep them from harming themselves. Their way of dying while still living…or…dying while still living. Either way…their choice is to draw the butterfly instead of drawing on their body with a knife and blood is the paint. That’s what is no longer on my wrist! It wasn’t my butterfly though. It was for the butterfly cutters. I heard about them and wanted to support them so I drew a butterfly on my wrist each week…sometimes 3-4 butterflies….for around a year I did this. But one day….without even realizing…I stopped supporting them. I stopped drawing the butterflies. I wonder why. Maybe that’s when art entered my world, I’m not sure. Seeing that wrist…caught me by surprise. I’m sorry I stopped. I still support you all.

The red button. Seems someone pushed a button, not sure the color, but its sure a challenge. I literally told Cathy that I wasn’t ready to sell any of the goats….or at least not the ones being sold….but shoot, I stood in the pasture pointing at goat after goat, naming them and saying, see……I don’t wanna sell her. Over and over and over….knowing full well I was creating my reality with my emotion but I couldn’t stop myself. I was speaking the truth. I don’t want them to go. I may need them to go, but I don’t want them to go and I guess want wins. More emotion. I may need to take vitamins…..and I ‘may’ take them….but if I want a cookie…by George, I eat the cookie. I want to be mad, but shoot, I created my own reality. God has me in “learning mode”. Not always fun. I am also noticing that since my thoughts have turned negative and down…that Time is slowing. Fascinating. So fascinating that it spunked me up. Which was not an easy feat. It’s been a very odd day for someone like me. I wonder if this is the new me. Is this how I get to be now? Like I was in the old? Sad and slowed down time…all 3d and shit. God…what an eyeopener it was tonight when I realeyes’d that. I showed the crow to another person who had seen it earlier….and they, along with Summer, liked it better before. Great. I can take it negative or positive. Positive….I get to try again…just wipe it out and start again. I’ll take it. Or….I’d really rather keep it. And do a 2nd one. This one definitely speaks. Only difference between the two is….attempted perfection. Less freehand look, more precision. Less childlike, more adulthead. There’s more…just not goin there. Night night. Praying for clarity, gratefulness in the face of fear and apparently anger as well, and more love…unconditional…for me…and for all. 1:16am = infinity. Art.

Well, the monk strikes again…but this time….I stood up for myself and told him he was being hurtful. What’d he do this time? Well, I told you we had prints done of Owly Dreams. One canvas and one on high quality art paper. He saw them, was very pleased….then looks up at the original and says…..Hmmm, I like this better than the original. Hmmmm. Insult. He then comes back 30 minutes later and repeats it. Yes….definitely better than the original. I said……That is not helpful. It’s insulting and it hurts my feelings. He says….why? You can get more made cheaper this way? I said….then why bother doing the fiber at all? Why not switch back to acrylic and oil and be done with the fiber paintings. Yes. I think that would have made him happy. NOT happening monk! Well…sorta. I am doing acrylics again now, and that my friend is ALL thanks to you. When I express myself better with acrylic, you’ll see…..I AM….an Artist. And….when people start paying the money….start getting familiar with my fiber paintings, they will buy and then too…..you will see that I am an artist. BUT in the meantime…..I KNOW I’m an artist and I’ll just sit right here, doin what I do….in whatever medium I choose…and one day….one day people will know I was here. Not just here….but as a survivor of the brain. The brain that tells me I’m no good.

I found out there is a car show here next weekend. Same weekend as kid n ewe…also same weekend of the failed goat sale, so that frees up some time….but still….I called the guy remodeling my 55 Chevy and he said believe it or not, he was trying to be able to loadd it on a trailer to bring to the show…to silence some of his haters. Well…don’t know nothing about the haters, but I wanna see the truck and maybe it will get me some business into my tee tiny gallery. Ha…speaking of gallery…had a lady ask if I could put some of her lithographs in here. I said, well, there’s not much room….but she wants to bring them by tomorrow anyway. Haha….large, but we shall see…..guess that would make it a TRUE gallery. Ok….I’m done talkin for the day. It’s been a green apple kinda day. Oooooh….tonight is Namaste Farms BLOGtalk!!! Can’t wait!!! Natalie has been teaching….after a blogtalk idea was sprung and she appears to be very successfully sharing and teaching her hard earned knowledge….which is vast, in the fiber world. Join in if you can. Oh ya…..I made a penny sized painting of a hummingbird head today. lol. ya, I did. Ok…signing off at 920 Main St. Bastrop, Texas aka…. http://www.noahs-arts.com Also, if you’d like to support my healing journey……(healing from HepatitisC and stage 3 liver disease)…it’s working, so please continue to support the regimen and in January….support the jungle trip to finish the job. Don’t worry…when the time comes….I’ll give the link so You can see exactly where I need to go and why. In the meantime…….here is my FUNDRAISER…..click here to Donate.

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2 thoughts on “the Butterflies…..flew away”

I think if someone wants to use part of your gallery to display their art, they should pay you. You are paying for the space, aren’t you? That’s not fair for someone to piggy back without compensating you.