mother, musician, doula, philosophy/spirituality enthusiast, person who does not proofread.

Feb 16

#HURTBAE — The quickest think-piece ever written.

It’s a few days after the day of love, aka Valentine's Day aka ‘Your-Present-Is- Hiding-In-My-Boxers-Day, aka #NetflixandChill X Chocolates and Candles Day. I watched the soon to be infamous #hurtbae video this morning, and before I could join in with my fellow tweeters, and give SOLID commentary, I was consumed by nostalgia and sadness. I felt sad for the woman who mirrored me in in this viral video. So, as per new usual, I take my feelings, put them in a PC filter and fling them into the blog world to reflect some more.

In my last true connection with another man, we ended with a mutual understanding that we could no longer aid in one another's development, at least, whilst being in a romantic thing or fling. We also held in common, the understanding that we were both ultimately were headed in two different directions where love was involved. I can say, we are approaching a lovely space in friendship and co-parenting, and what not. *Cardi B voice* Now, If you read my last piece, you’d know I still believe in love, but #hurtbae put me all in my feels ya’ll. It scratched at the thick scab sitting over a wound that was no longer festering, but actually starting to heal. *wah emoji, wah emoji, crying emoji* #HurtBae made me think about why we, find ourselves opening ourselves to partners, who are emotionally selfish and unavailable! Don’t get me wrong, we can all generically “love” one another in the way the bible says, but romantic love, unconditional adoration, is a choice. Why do we choose to love men/women who do not want to love us? Is it our fathers? Is it our mothers never teaching us better? I understand the dynamics here also; #hurtbae was in a consenting relationship where the man betrayed her trust, and their commitment multiple times. Where do we draw the line?! I also wonder where the lines are for romantic relationships that aren't labeled? Are there any? Is there a human decency clause somewhere in the invisible contract that is signed by two (or ten) people involved in said romantic relationship? (This excludes a friends with benefits scenario btw, that’s a WHOLE OTHER topic, messy people!)

Maya Angelou said it best, “When people show you who you are, believe them.” It’s clear that often enough people will give you subtle and not so subtle signs that they are just not that into you, OR that they are more into themselves. In these cases, you should pack your shit, and RUN. Now what about when said lover shows you contradicting personas? What about when they are loving and distant, hot and cold, devoted and detached? What do you believe? Which do you react to? When do we decide to be the superhero that shows said ‘man-boy’ how to be a real, true lover? When do we decide that tepid waters, where there should be hot springs are just nooooooo fun? Poor #hurtbae! Poor me! Poor ladies/fellas who were so ready to love, and attached themselves to people who could not accept it! Poor us for not having enough sense, self esteem, and courage to dismiss themselves at the first sign of emotional rejection.

And what about the offender? What about the men/women who literally can not, or will not deliver the kind of dedication their partner needs? How do you articulate that to the person that needs love, without them feeling inadequate or taking it personally? Do we #hurtbae now or later? *drum taps* The fact is, a relationship where people are not honest with themselves begets relationships where people are not honest with one another. Dishonesty only hurts everyone involved in the lie, and they go on being hurt people, hurting other people. #Hurtpeoplehurtpeoplehurtpeople. #Hurtbaes of the world, stay sweet without forgetting to be strong, and love yourselves most, so that you can receive the highest version of the love you deserve.