Friday, June 19, 2009 Edition: #4044There’s a Difference Between Sheet and Crapola!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
A judge has temporarily halted the publication of a book billed as a follow-up to the classic 1950s novel “The Catcher In the Rye” by JD Salinger, who is suing Swedish author Frederik Colting over his new book “60 Years Later: Coming Through The Rye” (next he’ll be writing “To CPR a Mockingbird”) . . . Actor Tom Cruise has agreed to make a 4th “Mission: Impossible” movie, expected to be directed & co-produced by JJ Abrams (“Star Trek”, “Lost”) and released in 2011 (because nothing else is working for Tom) . . . Squeaky-clean “American Idol 7” runner-up David Archuleta may be less than proud this “Dad’s Day”; his father James has been fined $600 for receiving a ‘massage’ & ‘other services’ from a hooker (his attorney actually claimed he went to the massage parlor due to a back problem) . . . Brangelina have tossed off another million to charity, this time to the UN Refugee Agency to help refugees fleeing the Taliban in Pakistan (it’s getting so hard to hate these people!) . . . “Grey’s Anatomy” producer Shonda Rhimes has reportedly now agreed to allow TR Knight (‘Dr George O’Malley’) to quit the ABC-TV drama, 3 years before his contract expires (well, he’s already been killed off, no?) . . . And in a new survey, Paris Hilton has been voted the celebrity that campers would least like to share a tent with (like she’d even know what a tent is).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Beyoncé – Sunday the North American leg of her “I Am… Tour” begins at NYC’s Madison Square Garden. It caps off with a 4-night residency at Wynn Las Vegas July 30-August 2.
• Billy Joel – The 60-year-old & his 27-year-old, 3rd wife Katie Lee are splitting up after 5 years of marriage but ‘remain caring friends with admiration and respect for each other’. (BS translation: “Holy crap, I just did the math … you’re a half-century older than me!”)
• Cher – The 62-year-old Vegas entertainer says she’s totally supporting her daughter Chastity’s decision to become a man. The 40-year-old began the lengthy process to change genders in March. (It’s all an elaborate plan to get rid of the wretched name ‘Chastity’.)
• Chris Brown – A California court has refused to delay his preliminary hearing on assault charges set for Monday. It’s the 2nd delaying tactic from his attorney that’s been shot down.
• Kelis – Divorce papers show she’s demanding about $80,000-a-month in spousal & child support from her ex-, Nas, plus $20,000 for childcare equipment, and a $1,999 storage facility for their unborn son’s … stem cells.
• Madonna – She & actress pal Gwyneth Paltrow are decorating a nursery for the 50-year-old’s soon-to-arrive 4-year-old adopted Malawian daughter, Mercy. Word has it she’s also blown big bucks on a ‘Georgian-style treehouse’. (Lourdes is so gonna hate this kid!)
• Sting – He’ll be releasing a seasonal album later this year entitled “If On a Winter’s Night …”, which will feature 2 original Christmas tunes as well as traditional songs.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “The Proposal” ( PG-13 Romantic Comedy ): Sandra Bullock stars as a publishing executive who forces her assistant (Ryan Reynolds) to marry her so she can avoid deportation back to Canada. In real life, Reynolds is from Canada & Bullock is American. And in real life, both of their partners are hotter than this on-screen pairing. Shot on location in Massachusetts.
NET: http://www.myspace.com/proposalmovie
• “Whatever Works” ( PG-13 Romantic Comedy ): Director Woody Allen’s latest stars 61-year-old Larry David (“Curb Your Enthusiasm”) playing an eccentric older guy who falls for a much younger Southern belle (21-year-old Evan Rachel Wood). But how will the May-December couple, her family, and his NYC friends cope? Sounds a bit icky, but Mr Allen has experience along these lines.
NET: http://www.sonyclassics.com/whateverworks
• “Year One” ( PG-13 Comedy Adventure ): Director/writer Harold Ramis’ prehistoric comedy stars Jack Black (“Kung Fu Panda”) & Michael Cera (“Juno”) as a pair of lazy hunter-gatherers who are banished from their primitive village, so they set off on an epic journey through their ancient world. Co-stars Olivia Wilde (“House MD”). Filmed in Louisiana & New Mexico.
NET: http://www.yearone-movie.com

BEST DAY OF THE YEAR?
Psychologist Cliff Arnall of Cardiff University in Wales has worked out a mathematical formula which he says proves that June 20th is the ‘Happiest Day of the Year’. Why? A combination of lighter evenings, balmier temperatures, being outdoors, the prospect of a vacation, social interaction, and memories of childhood summers. (Dissenters? December 24th anyone?)
– “Daily Telegraph”

THE SECRET TO LONG LIFE:
People with low thyroid function may lose hair, gain weight, and feel sluggish. But now researchers at NYC’s Albert Einstein College of Medicine think it may also be a sign of longevity. After studying hundreds of centenarians it was found that people with low thyroid activity are more likely to live to be 100 or more. The thyroid, located in the neck, is a kind of master gland, secreting hormones that affect metabolism. (Fat, bald and lazy … is that any way to spend your twilight years?)
– “China Daily”

DID YOU KNOW?
• When it comes to protective fathers, few rival the South American ostrich Darwin’s Rhea. The male is so defensive of its children, it has been known to attack small airplanes if they get too close.
– PETA
• More than a third of working dads (37%) say they would leave their job if their spouse or significant other’s income could comfortably support the entire family.
– CareerBuilder.com

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Avon Heritage Duct Tape Festival”, the 6th annual in Avon OH, home to the manufacturer of Duck Brand Duct Tape. Weekend festivities are highlighted by a ‘Duct Tape Fashion Show’.
NET: http://www.avonducktapefestival.com
• “Juneteenth”, marking the day in 1865 that slaves in several Southern states heard they had been emancipated. It’s a state holiday in Texas and observed in at least 3 other US states.
• “Martini Day”. Recipe for a very dry martini: take 1 bottle of gin.
• “Pride Week” in Toronto through June 28th, Canada’s largest gay & lesbian pride event, which features hundreds of performances, artisans, the annual ‘Dyke March’ (June 27th) and the famous ‘Pride Parade’ (June 28th).
NET: http://www.pridetoronto.com
• “Work@Home Father’s Day”, held the Friday before “Father’s Day” to honor fathers ‘who work from home as a means of providing balance between professional satisfaction and family interaction’. They’d be saluted Sunday like other dads except … they’ll likely be working.
• “World Sauntering Day”, a day to ‘revive the art of Victorian sauntering, and discourage jogging, lollygagging, sashaying, fast walking and trotting’. Can we stumble?

SATURDAY –
• “Canadian North Midnight Classic”, the 61st anniversary all-night golf tournament in Yellowknife NT celebrating the Summer Solstice.
NET: http://www.yellowknifegolf.com
• “Dragon Boat Festival”, the 21st annual in Vancouver, North America’s largest version of the event which is expected to attract upwards of 200 dragon boat teams from around-the-world.
NET: http://www.adbf.com
• “National Hollerin’ Contest”, the 40th annual screams into Spivey’s Corner NC, the ‘Hollerin’ Capital of the Universe’. Hollerin’ was the original form of communication in them thar’ hills.
NET: http://www.ibiblio.org/hollerin
• “World Juggling Day”. You can create the sound of juggling with your co-host by slapping your knees quickly and throwing in lots of grunts and interjections like ‘Hey!’.
NET: http://www.juggle.org/wjd
• “World Refugee Day”, first declared by the UN in 2001 as an expression of solidarity with Africa, which hosts the most refugees.
NET: http://www.un.org/depts/dhl/refugee

SUNDAY –
• “Aimless Wandering Day”. Finally, someone’s taken an interest in my career!
• “Baby Boomers Recognition Day”, a special day to commemorate the accomplishments of ol’ farts everywhere.
• “Cancer the Crab” zodiac sign begins.
• “Fathers Day”, first proclaimed by the mayor of Spokane WA 99 years ago (June 19, 1910) at the request of one Louise Smart Dodd. It’s now celebrated in about 20 countries, including Britain, Canada, and USA on the 3rd Sunday of June. “Fathers Day” in Australia & NZ will be celebrated September 6th this year. An estimated $1 billion is now spent each year on “Fathers Day” gifts. (A great tradition or just another day of forced obligation?)
• “Go Skateboarding Day”, the 6th annual celebration of boarding on the first day of summer.
NET: http://www.goskateboardingday.org
• “Midnight Sun Baseball Classic”, the 104th in Fairbanks AK which begins at 10:30 pm without artificial lights, because these days Alaskans are enjoying 22 hours of sunlight daily.
NET: http://www.goldpanners.com/MidnightSunGame/index.html
• “National Aboriginal Day” in Canada, established in 1996 as a special day to celebrate the unique heritage, cultures, and contributions of First Nations, Inuit & Metis people in Canada. It’s part of the “Celebrate Canada Celebrations”, which also include “Saint-Jean-Baptiste Day” (June 24), “Canadian Multiculturalism Day” (June 27), and “Canada Day” (July 1).
NET: http://www.ainc-inac.gc.ca/nad/index-eng.asp
• “Queen’s Plate”, the 150th running of the first jewel in The Canadian ‘Triple Crown’ of horse racing, at Toronto’s Woodbine Racetrack.
NET: http://www.woodbineentertainment.com/queensplate
• “Summer Solstice” in the Northwest Territories, Canada’s land of the Midnight Sun, celebrated variously as “Midnight Madness” in Inuvik, “Raven Mad Daze” in Yellowknife and “Longest Day Celebrations” in Fort Simpson. All will feature music, dance, food, sports … and sunburns.
• “Summer” officially arrives in the Northern Hemisphere with the Summer Solstice at 1:45 am EDT. It’s the date with the longest day and shortest night of the year. The Sun does not set at the North Pole today … there is 24 hours of sunlight.

BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Whyzit they call it ‘weed’ when it’s so hard to grow?
• Whyzit there’s no air conditioning outside, where it’s really hot?
• Whyzit advertisers offer a ‘free gift’. Are there gifts that cost money?
• Whyzit we call it a ‘strike’ in baseball when they miss the ball?

BS PHONE STARTER:
What famous person do other people tell you that you most resemble?

BS WORD OF THE DAY:
In the interest of promoting more erudite language as well as general goofiness, here’s a truly weird word for you to toss around for the day …
• ‘Kankedort’ … an awkward situation. (“Sorry about the dead air. That makes for a real kankedort, doesn’t it?”)
– “Foyle’s Philavery: A Treasury of Unusual Words”

BS RANDOM JOKE:
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: THIS can have up to 25,000 teeth.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A snail. (Having escargots? Bon appétit!)