H.A.L.T.

H.A.L.T. is an acronym for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. When I was first getting sober, people who had traveled that path before me and knew a lot more about how to stay sober than I did, taught me this little beauty to help me to remember not to let myself get any of those things as being too hungry, angry, lonely, and/or tired could easily put my sobriety in jeopardy. Even though it’s been a very long time since I was remotely tempted to take a drink or a drug, this is still a useful tool with regard to keeping myself sane. I’ve had some pretty serious lapses with regard to H.A.L.T. lately as I will now admit to you. Please don’t judge. I’m only admitting how bad things have gotten because it is an important part of making the changes required to get better.

I recently embarked on working through a workbook with a friend. The workbook is focused on a spiritual approach to recovering from undereaning. Our assignment for tomorrow’s meeting asks, “How do these (H.A.L.T.) contribute to the unmanageability of my life?” Here’s how I answered…

Hungry: When I get hungry, I get sketchy. It wreaks havoc on my emotions and most often, when I get to the “hangry” place, I’ll make about as poor choices as can be made about what kind of food to eat. I have consumed more pizza and more sugary, fatty, bready things in the past three weeks than I have at any point in my life. I am out of control. Angry: Today a barista wouldn’t let me (and a handful of other paying customers) use the restroom until we had already bought our coffee. Oddly the fucking coffee line was out the door because this piece of shit was too busy harassing the people trying to take a piss rather than having his faggot ass behind the counter where he belongs getting his shitty little green apron sweaty making us our fucking coffees. This guy is a piece of shit and I hope he died on the way home from work tonight but that’s no reason for me to have thrown him out of the way of the restroom so I could go in there and take a piss. “I’ve spent thousands of dollars at Starbucks! I’m going to take a piss before I buy my coffee!” He’s a piece of shit and I hope he didn’t die on the way home because I hope he has AIDS and dies a slow painful death instead of getting hit by a bus or something quick like that. Anyway, I ended up being detained by the NYPD so even though this prick is a cunt, I’m still the one that almost got arrested. That was the most intense PTSD brown-out I’ve had so far. If that shit continues, I’ll end up in prison or dead. I’m very worried and very ashamed of the place I let this douchebag take me to. Does my anger contribute to the unmanageability of my life? What do you think? (That was rhetorical. I’m sure I know what you think. Please don’t answer.) I’m going to the Vet Center on Monday to ask for help with my PTSD, most specifically my anger. Lonely: Oh my God, I’m so lonely. I’m not lonely for friends I got plenty of them. Not even lonely for feeling like I’m part of society ’cause I don’t feel like I’m not. I’ve heard people talk about feeling lonely in the big city but that ain’t me– well, maybe I do a little. With obvious exception of the story I’ve just told you, I basically have dozens of positive interactions with my fellow New Yorkers every day. I’m lonely for a husband. I like having somebody to be a team with. I like knowing somebody else is gonna be on that other pillow at night. I don’t miss the shitty parts about being in a relationship but that part, the “at least I’m not in this alone” part. Yeah, that I miss. And one thing I do and have done (sometimes a lot) to try and remedy this flavor of loneliness? Hook up. And that usually makes me end up feeling even lonelier than I did before sticking it in some stranger. Tired: What do you think–you, who has to read the shit that pours out of my tired brain at the end of every day? Think being hyper-tired half the time has any bearing on the unmanageability of my life especially in the area of the pursuit of my goals?

And on that note– I’m going to bed. Thanks for your prayers and good vibes. I’m going to get through this but it’s hard.