25 April 2012

Yesterday I got an awesome email: "Garner's Usage Tip - Denizen Labels (1)." !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Denizen labels are the different suffixes you add to a city-name to create a label for a citizen, like "Atlantan" or "New Yorker." Judging by the "(1)" in the subject line, my inbox has wayyy more useful suffix info in store. Cowabunga!!!!!

Below are George R. Stewart's general suggestions for how to go about labeling people (*spacing mine):

Loose guidelines do exist for naming denizens. George R. Stewart, a
historian, developed seven guidelines that H.L. Mencken called
"Stewart's Laws of Municipal Onomastics." They were cited in the best
up-to-date work on this subject, Paul Dickson's Labels for Locals
(1997):

(1) if the place name
ends in "-a" or "-ia," add "-n" (Alaska, Alaskan) (California,
Californian);

(2) if the name ends in "-i" or a sounded "-e," add "-an"
(Hawaii, Hawaiian) (Albuquerque, Albuquerquean);

(3) if the name ends in
"-on," add "-ian" (Oregon, Oregonian);

(4) if the name ends in "-y,"
change the "-y" to an
"-i" and add "-an" (Albany, Albanian);

(5) if the name ends in "-o," add
"-an" (Chicago, Chicagoan);

(6) if the name ends in a consonant or a
silent "-e," add either "-ite" or "-er," depending on euphony (Maine,
Mainer) (New Hampshire, New Hampshireite);

(7) if the name ends in
"-polis," change
that to "-politan" (Minneapolis, Minneapolitan).

23 April 2012

Seriously, things got weird last night on Game of Thrones and Mad Men. From the innocence of LSD to the violent squalor of King Joffrey's First Time, I could not get a grip on things. This is an attempt to get that grip.

First of all, here are the new locations added to the Game of Thrones map:

Harrenhal

and Qarth

Westerosi Psycho
I can't explain anything that happened during last night's "Garden of Bones." Clearly Bret Easton Ellis has moved to Winterfell and is now writing the most screwed up medieval things he can imagine. Things as screwy as:

The Lannisters at Harrenhal torture young, clueless boys for information about "the Brotherhood" (?) by putting a hungry rat in a bucket, strapping the bucket to a boy, and lighting the bucket so the rat goes crazy and looks for any exit he and his teeth may make.

Joffrey has a guard beat up and strip Sansa.

When Tyrion buys Joffrey two prostitutes to help him lighten up, Joffrey has one beat the other very hard, eventually with a spiky antlered scepter (and yet, just being BEATEN by the scepter was MUCH more merciful than what we all thought was coming).

Robb's in love with a girl who saws people's legs off.

Tone Loc's Tim Curry's character from Fern Gully just goes on ahead and slithers out of Melisandre as a fully grown skeleton made of smoke like that's totally fine.

Ok now that we have all the facts down, everything oughta make sense...ohhh wait, no, not at all. I will now go down the list and try to figure out what's going on.

As Tywin notes when he finally gets to Harrenhal (just in time to save Gendry from being rat-eaten), torturing prisoners is STUPID. If you have bodies, you should make them work for your benefit, not pile up a ton of carcasses that you will have to clean up later. And it's not like Tywin avoids violence; I'm pretty sure he loves it. But not when it's stupid. PS: Now that Tywin has seen Arya and identified her as a girl, he's made her his cupbearer. How long will it take before he realizes who she is?

Clearly Sansa is in it to win it. I wish there'd been a scene between her and Shae after the public humiliation, just to comfort her a little. Just, you know, for my peace of mind.

Assuming Joffrey hasn't had sex yet, this his first encounter. The things that happen during a first anything typically get rehashed with every recurrence, like how serial killers try to recreate their first kill. So I'm fairly certain that Joffrey, who already leans on violence as a coping mechanism, will only be repeating and worsening this scene with every future sex act. Might I add, he never did get the led out.

5. Oh jeez, Robb, just don't.6. I don't understand Melisandre or her gestational periods or her sexuality or her allegiance to anything. So obviously that would be the baby that she and Stannis made just two weeks ago. 7. I didn't mention Qarth up there, but rest assured, Qarth will also turn out to be exceptionally weird. I feel very confident of this.

In conclusion: Joffrey Bad Man.

Three Short Weird Stories Mad Men followed the tangents of our three favorite advertisers in last night's "Far Away Places." Peggy gave an HJ, Roger tried LSD, and Don nearly lost his MRS. Those letters are not helping me be less confused.

Peggy: Matt Zoller Seitz suggests that Peggy's day looks a lot like one of Don's season 1 days: she naps on his couch, chastises advertisers, and goes to a movie at 1 in the afternoon. Dear lord am I glad I didn't have to go to movies in the 60s. No matter where you look, some dude has his deumer hanging out, waiting for you to look at it. And for some reason, Peggy reacts positively to it. I thought dating Abe was her way of sticking it to traditional sexuality - he's a commie for God's sake!!! But nope, it has to get even weirder than that, doesn't it, Peg. To break free from the bonds of female sexuality, she must j-o some a-h. Cool.

Roger: Roger and his wife doing LSD is the best thing that could ever happen to anyone. May we all one day be lucky enough to have a trip like Roger's. He opens a vodka bottle and a symphony comes out. He takes a drag on his cigarette and it crumples like an accordion. Speaking of accordions, Roger and his wife come to a very honest understanding that their marriage is over (the accordion is Joan). Hopefully soon they will get married and raise their son together ha-ha-ha-ha that will not happen bc Mad Men doesn't do things to make you happy. It only does things to satisfy your hunger for period melodrama. And even then, not if it makes you too happy.

Don: Don convinces Megan to drive up to some Ho Jo to scope it out for business, I gather, though that seems wrong. What could he not already know about Howard Johnson? Why would he go there for a vacation? I guess in the end he takes Megan there so he can force-feed her orange sherbert and abandon her in the parking lot. Could you imagine if he pulled that crap with Sally? She'd be on her second dose of LSD before he found her up some tree with two Cornell boys. But he does it to Megan, and she flips out about how she doesn't know when to be his wife and when to be his employee, and she's right. But then when they're both at home again and Don chases her around the apartment like a mad man (get it), they both seem wrong. Is this their foreplay? Is this how it happened the first time? Because they do it a lot. Megan says something like all their fighting weakens their relationship. Oh Megan. Fighting and making up can strengthen a relationship. It's this Chase Me I'm A Haughty Baby dynamic that weakens things, mainly because healthy adults don't like to have sex with babies they just chased around. Or so I gather, as Dr. Ruth's [platonic] assistant.

Weirdness, A Summary
What ties Game of Thrones to Mad Men this week, other than everyone being a freaking weirdo? I guess in the end, it's about taking a walk on the wild side. When Joffrey gets wild, he's a fucking psychopath. When Peggy gets wild, she's a movie theater fluffer. When Melisandre gets wild, she's an oily, nasty conduit to hell. When Roger gets wild, he's a drinker of singing vodka. In everyone's case but Roger's, maybe it's better to go back to the old straight 'n' narrow for a while. There isn't enough room in the sky for everyone's freak flag to go up all at once.

18 April 2012

1) Although I hadn't seen any Lena Dunham stuff before I watched the pilot yesterday, I already had a pretty clear expectation what was coming to me tonally...and I was in no way disappointed when it delivered exactly what I expected.

2) If you hate spoiled 20 year olds, you're right.

3) If you hate spoiled 20 year olds, you're still allowed to watch them and be enriched for the experience. It's ok not to be in love with the characters you watch on tv.

4) Scenes that depict sex as awkward and imperfect - which it is in reality like 99.99% of the time - are hard to watch. If Lena Dunham's side butt isn't quite up your alley, you might be looking for your porn in the wrong place.

5) Celebriparents don't seem to factor into the plot of the pilot at all, so that nepotism discussion breeches the limits of what was actually presented on tv. I wish I had a famous parent, too, for God's sake. I think the feeling of righteous indignation at nepotism = jealousy + adoration of celebrity families at any other time. Plus had you even heard of Laurie Simmons before this? Bc not me!

6) At least the dorky boyfriend isn't automatically in the closet, too.

7) Becky Ann Baker's back on television FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THANK YOU WHAT TOOK SO LONG.

WAIT, BECKY ANN BAKER IS MARRIED TO DYLAN BAKER?! OH MY GOD I HAVE JUST HAD A CONNIPTION IN MY BRAIN AND NOW MY BRAIN'S TOTALLY GONE

This morning I received my first Usage Wednesday request. This makes me very happy. Jess, this usage error's for you!

To look at the word "reconnoiter" is to see Latin roots screaming at you. Eighth grade foreign language class taught us that "conocer," "connaître," and "conoscere" are cognates that mean "to know." More specifically, you use these words when talking about knowing people. Thus, to your average SAT taker and adult person, "reconnoiter" looks like it most likely means "to re-meet-up" or something like that. Re-know-people. But that's not what it means at all!

"Reconnoiter" is a word I heard maybe twice in my life before hearing it a million times in the Deadwood season 1 episode, "Reconnoitering the Rim." Without purposefully giving too much away, the plot follows a man who has just bought a plot of land that's hopefully full of gold he can prospect. He has to walk the circumference of his property to get familiar with it, and they refer to the walk as "reconnoitering the rim." This makes sense because "to reconnoiter" means "to make a preliminary inspection of, especially in order to gather military information" (according to the American Heritage Dictionary). And so

Reconnoiter = to observe or inspect something in order to gather information
Reconnoiter ≠ to meet up with people later

16 April 2012

Last night's episode, "What Is Dead May Never Die," revolved around Weakness: the Greyjoys continue to pound their Iron Way into Theon's head, Tyrion further realizes how unsafe it is to be Hand of the King, and we meet the awesomest woman in the world - Brienne of Tarth. As Varys tells Tyrion near the end of the hour, "power resides where people think it resides." Pretty ballsy for a eunuch!

As Renly pulls a lesser-Joffrey and watches two of his soldiers fight, we meet some interesting new characters. His wife, Margaery is his lover Loras's sister, and she's pretty psyched to be here. Brienne is the tall warrior who defeats Loras in Renly's fun-fight, and she's REALLY pretty psyched to be here. Would it be offensive to say that Renly's surrounded by fag hags? I take it back. But by now it's already out there. It's interesting to see their personal ways of fortifying him -- Brienne physically protects him as a member of his guard, while Margaery suggests all kinds of pansexual ways to produce an heir. But even with all these reinforcements, Renly still has one weakness: he's nervous about people finding out he's gay.

Over in King's Landing, Tyrion warns Shae about staying hidden, since he'd be distraught if anything ever happened to her. That makes her a huge weakness, which is a sweet idea, but Shae takes it exactly the wrong way. So he sends her to be Sansa's handmaid, and I guess I'm just really hoping that Shae and Sansa find some way to be useful together. Poor Sansa. Dumb Shae.

Tyrion tells Pycelle, Varys, and Littlefinger three different plans for marrying off Joffrey's sister in order to find out who's most likely to rat him out to the Queen Regent. Again and again Tyrion makes it abundantly clear that he is the smartest, most mischievous character on the show. The plan works brilliantly, by the way. It's Old Twerp Pycelle, and Tyrion spares him by sending him to The Wall prison (instead of cutting off his deumer).

Meanwhile in the Iron Isles, Theon almost sends Robb a letter to warn him that his dad is about to attack (to claim Winterfell "the iron way"), but he burns it up with a candle flame and thereby officially switches alliances. You better make sure that letter's all the way burned, goober. Sheesh.

And now for our manliest little woman, Arya Stark. We don't get to see her until almost the end of the episode, when she asks Yoren how he sleeps when he's seen such terrible things. It sounds like Arya is exhibiting the same strange symptom as her brother Bran - sometimes they can see through animals' eyes. Could you even imagine if they started seeing out of the dragons' eyes? That would be great and should happen immediately.

Yoren's camp is attacked by (I think) Lannisters, and although he gets crossbowed in the heart very quickly, he manages to take like 4 or 5 guys down with him. Thinking quickly, Arya tells the guards that they've successfully killed Robert's bastard son. But they HAVEN'T!

PS Why did Lord Incestuous not kill Jon Snow again? I am not clear on that.

Mad Men:

Ahh, the trials and tribulations of being a man, particularly when you're a very dainty one. In last night's "Signal 30," the Mad Men are sad men. Pete Campbell can't drive OR win in a fist fight. Lane Pryce can't seem to get a fellow Brit to get rowdy with him. And poor Ken Cosgrove can't pursue something he loves without getting a stern talking-to. You could easily say that Don Draper, that plumber-demigod, is the only man in an episode full of pansies. But it would be pretty insensitive. A lot like that fag hag thing from earlier.

Pete's in drivers ed because he grew up in Manhattan, and also because he might want to pick up a high school sweetheart while he's at it. So he relentlessly hits on this poor 17-year-old until she finds a boy literally nicknamed "Handsome" to save her from Old Man Campbell. SINCE WHEN IS ALISON BRIE NOT ENOUGH, PETE.

Speaking of the love of everyone's life, Trudy Campbell has finally trapped Don into attending a dinner party at their house in Cos Cob, CT. More on that later.

Lane Pryce makes friends with a Jaguar executive at a British pub transplant, but he ends up dropping the ball when their business dinner goes badly. Roger advises him to find something tawdry to bond over, but of course, it doesn't happen. At first I figured it was because Roger didn't count on the British variable, but when Pete steps in and snatches the account right out of Lane's hands, the Jaguar guy opens right up. In fact, he's a super freak. He wants everyone to go to a brothel and he means NOW.

So at the Campbells' dinner party, Ken finally admits to his coworkers that he's been dabbling in science fiction writing (as "Ben Hargrove"!!!). Alex Mack beams at her husband, never realizing that her pride is nudging him ever farther from SCDP's good graces. Then, without warning (except the fact that we saw Pete try to fix it earlier on), the kitchen faucet explodes. While Pete rummages through a brand-new toolbox, Don whips off his shirt and fixes the whole thing with I guess his fingers in like one minute flat. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaa, Pete. Hahaha.

After the faucet faux pas and his "You're my king" whorehouse visit, Pete's feeling pretty down. And he's about to feel worse because Lane storms into the office with news that they've lost the Jaguar account and it's essentially Pete's fault! The Brit's wife has found gum in his pubis, so the jig is up. Defending himself, Pete says that the Brit felt Lane was too much of a homo. Defending himself, Lane challenges him to fisticuffs. Don looks like he's going to break up the fight, but instead he just closes the drapes. Good call.

After a few anxious minutes, Lane finally trounces Pete and retreats to his office. Joan brings him ice and turns down his pass at her in the least humiliating way possible - by standing up and opening his door before sitting back down. "Everyone in this office has wanted to do that to Pete Campbell," she assures him.

The episode ends with various examples of how to deal with powerlessness: Lane manages to find an ounce of self-respect by resorting to physical violence against the pansiest wimp in the world; Pete laments his lot in life, what with a wife and child and house in Cos Cob, by maintaining "I have nothing"; and Ken tells everyone he's given up writing while still secretly doing it as much as ever.

I guess in the end, a unifying theme of Mad Men is that I'm never fully confident that any of these characters aren't going straight home to kill themselves. Congratulations, everyone. Life is the worst and so are the 60s.

13 April 2012

"Comprise" is one tricky gentlewoman of a word. The first time I
heard about something being "comprised of" its parts, it felt like I was
among an audience of geniuses. But then, decades later, I found out
that I'd been using the word all wrong. In fact, I was using it
backwards. A whole comprises its parts!

According to Strunk and White's The Elements of Style, the word
"comprise" means, "literally, 'embrace.' A zoo comprises mammals,
reptiles and birds (because it 'embraces' or 'includes' them.)" As
"comprise" is a synonym for "embrace" or "include", adding the word "of"
at the end is incorrect, because one would not say something was
"embraced of" or "included of." These are clearly incorrect. When using
the word "comprise", remember that it means "include" or "embrace", and
you will correctly omit the word "of" from the phrase.

Furthermore, Garner explains that it's not as simple as reversing the subject and direct object:

Another common mistake in using the word "comprise" is mixing up the
relationship between an object and the elements that make up that
object. An example of this confusion can be seen the sentence, "mammals,
reptiles and birds comprise a zoo." Since "comprise" is a synonym for
the word "include", practice replacing "comprise" with "include" and see
if the sentence still makes sense. Doing this, the above sentence
means, "mamals, reptiles and birds include a zoo," which most people
would identify as very incorrect. If you want to talk about the parts
that make up a larger whole, use the word "constitute" instead. Using
the above example to illustrate, the animals constitute a zoo, but a zoo
comprises animals.

So
with that information, I will hereby attempt a few sample sentences
correctly using the word "comprise" (or replacing "comprise" with a
better word):

1) A good playground comprises a jungle gym, a water fountain, and at least three swings.

2) Beer and cheese constitute beer-cheese soup.

3) The goat's lunch comprised three tin cans, a duffel bag, and a pencil sharpener.

A whole comprises ("includes") its parts. Its parts constitute the whole.

12 April 2012

Last night I watched the first two episodes of Don't Trust the B- in Apartment 23, and I plan on watching a lot more of the series for the following reasons:

1) I never want to stop watching Krysten Ritter ever in my life. From the instant I saw her on Gilmore Girls
playing Rory's first-ever friend (somehow? what about Lane?), I had to
know who she was and what else she was in. Why do I like watching her so
much? I don't know, just because she's great I guess. Plus she looks
interesting and has good timing.

2) James Van Der Beek does a great James Van Der Beek. It's like he took his role in Rules of Attraction
really, really seriously and then ran full-speed with it for the next
10 years. It also couches the characters in a fairly precise
subgeneration, of which I'm automatically a member. Becky!

3)
The plots of the first two episodes are full of information and action,
yet they don't come off as too much to work with. All the cutaways of
Chloe's (Krysten Ritter) misbehavior do triple-duty: they introduce us
to new characters and facts about the apartment, they foreshadow what's
likely to happen to new roommate June (Dreama Walker), and they take
Chloe's foregone evilness to its comedic extremes. Economic storytelling, I love you!

4) The first Jimmy Olsen from Lois & Clark is in episode 2. Hubba hubba!!!!!!!!!

5) I'm a little worried that not enough people will watch the show, so it could certainly use the ratings. Wednesdays at 9:30 on abc!

09 April 2012

Last night, Mad Men's "Mystery Date" was a stand-out episode, even though it's only the fourth hour of the season. Don's fever dream, Peggy's newfound friendship, and Grandma Pauline's general CRAZINESS took over, and boy did I feel funny afterwards. I do not like Grandma Pauline, no, not at all. Frankly I am shocked I didn't end up under the couch, too.

Unfortunately I fell asleep 5 minutes into Game of Thrones, but great news: I saw the new addition to the credits!

AWESOME!

And now for my thoughts on Mad Men:

This woman who's about to kiss/grope/whathaveyou Don in the elevator is the waitress from Twin Peaks! Danielle Marchetti from Damages! The duchess from Gossip Girl! But has she ever been on Mad Men before? Aha, the audience is supposed to be confused and disoriented, just like Don in his fever state. I get it.

As soon as Lesbo walks in and shows the gang pictures from Richard Speck's nurse-killing spree, old New-Jew Ginsberg gets on his soapbox and shames everyone for deriving such glee from others' pain. I noticed there was no mom at home when we saw his apartment last week. Perhaps she was murdered too? I'M ONTO YOU, NEW JEW. You and your bait 'n' switch presentations. YEP, I'M ONTO THAT TOO.

Although Don doesn't want Sally "to get rickets in that haunted mansion," she's still going to consume as much media as humanly possible this summer. So she reads all about the nurse-killer under her sheets with a flashlight, and then when she goes to Grandma Pauline for comfort, all she gets is wayyyy more terrified. Grandma Pauline carries a butcher knife she calls her "burglar alarm," and she bites a Secanol in half so Sally can get some sleep for God's sake. Are we sure this isn't Betty's mother? PS, Grandma Pauline's father used to kick her for no reason and she thinks that's good advice. Sally, save yourself. Go find a television, turn it on, and never stop watching it.

I knew Don was having a fever dream the second Madchen came back from the service elevator. I also knew he would strangle her, but then again, I'm reading American Psycho right now. It just felt right. & I just wanted you to know that I knew.

Greg's back from Vietnam, but he's so stupid and vain, he doesn't even figure out the paternity timing issue with Baby Kevin's date of birth. So when Joan finally kicks him out for good, it's easily the best moment of my weekend. First of all, the guy volunteered for another yearlong tour in Vietnam. Second, he didn't consult his wife. Third, what he did to Joan before they were married was unspeakable. NY Mag has a great review of the sexual politics going on in Mad Men 1966, especially for Joan. BON VOYAGE, ASSHOLE GREG!

Meanwhile Peggy makes friends with Dawn and slowly realizes how oblivious she's been to racial strife. The nurse-killer isn't the only scary thing going on in big cities these days, so as a symbol of trust, Peggy very awkwardly leaves her cash-filled purse out where Dawn sleeps. I guess this is a giant leap forward in Peggy's journey towards Total White Guilt Fulfillment.

The episode ends on an overhead shot of Joan's bed, where her mother naps and Kevin squirms. Joan is wide awake, thinking about the future. I like it when families take group naps. Sorry, gang. For now, the Holloways are closed for business.

05 April 2012

"Theraflu" is so braggadocio-rich that even an admission of falling for
Kim Kardashian seems like an afterthought once Kanye threatens to have
Jay-Z fire Kris Humphries from the Nets merely for daring have
affections toward the same woman.

West, 34, and Kardashian, 31, have supported one another as friends for
quite some time, with West even making appearances on the star's E!
show. "They have been close friends for years and decided to give it a
try [with dating]," says the source.

For his part, West hasn't exactly been shy about his feelings
for Kardashian. In his new song "Theraflu," West sings, "I admit I fell
in love with Kim ... 'Round the same time she fell in love with him ...
That's cool, babygirl, do your thing ... Lucky I ain't had Jay drop him
from the team." (West is referring to his pal Jay-Z who owns the New
Jersey Nets, the team Humphries plays for.)

The new couple enjoyed a movie date on Wednesday in New York City, where they reportedly saw The Hunger Games. Kardashian is in town to host the Today Show Friday.

04 April 2012

This afternoon I did some serious thinking before I paired up Fantasy Lifemates Crispin Glover & Fairuza Balk. Then I googled their names together and found that THEY MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY DATED. WHATTTTTTTTT

In 2005, Crispin "Hellion" Glover put together a movie called What Is It? which seems to follow a young man who loves snails. Fairuza "Scallion" Balk voices a snail. Most of the principle actors have Down's Syndrome. Crisssspinnnnnnn!

Then, about a year ago, Fairuza tweeted this about Old Hellion:

So I guess they're already dating or something. But whatever, wouldn't they make such a great fake celebrity couple anyway??????????? WEIRDOS IN LOVE!!!!!!!!!

02 April 2012

I said I wasn't going to recap Mad Men, but it's happening anyway. I never said I wouldn't recap Game of Thrones, and it is also happening anyway. I won't be going in-depth. I will be going in-sane. THE COLD WAR IS COMING.

Last night I watched Game of Thrones at 9pm, and here are my thoughts on it:

I can't believe Game of Thrones is back!!!!!!!!!! This is the best!

The episode mainly follows Joffrey in King's Landing and Robb in the Riverlands, with small peeks into the various side characters we held so dear last season. Joffrey is still a huge jerk, and Robb is still in way over his head (though he's handling it very well I think); everyone else is as power-hungry as ever.

In the Riverlands, Robb holds Jamie Lannister prisoner and basically makes him pee his pants by having his HUGE direwolf snap his chompers in front of him. Gotcha Jamie!! Now you truly are the Peeslayer.

In King's Landing, Sansa keeps Joffrey from killing various townsfolk (one poor drunk in particular) by suggesting it might be "crueler" to let them live as his fools. It's hilarious to think that she's saving lives by "out-crueling" Joffrey. Joffrey is so stupid, man. Sansa's tricking him.

Also, Cersei gives Joffrey a round old slap on the mouth near the end of the episode! JOFFREY SLAP REQUIREMENT FULFILLED!

Tyrion is now the Hand of the King. More like Handsy...of the King, right?...No?

Bran dreams about being a wolf. Let's please keep this going.

There is some freak named Craster who is letting Jon Snow and the rest of the Night's Watch stay at his house above The Wall, but he won't let them look at his daughters because they are also his WIVES. "Seven Brides for One Dad" will be the name of his very short musical adaptation.

Then there's this intense witch named Melisandre who's helping Stannis Baratheon (Robert's older brother) prepare for battle. Some old tubby worrywart tries to poison her in order to save everyone's souls, but it ain't gonna work. Melisandre represents a terrifyingly powerful deity; when she faces off with the dragons, we're gonna see some serious shit.

The hour ends with a heart-wrenching slaughter of each and every one of Robert's innocents. King Robert was quite the cheater, you see, and he sired like 6 or 7 different potential heirs. The last thing we see before the credits are the heavily implied violent murders of several babies. Holy crap.

Then I watched Mad Men at 10pm:

Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha, Betty.

Also, just because Betty's lump is benign doesn't mean it's definitely NOT the cause of her weight gain, right? Thyroids, I just don't get you.

Don and Megan entertain clients at a fancy restaurant, but this woman is so NOT Bobbie Barrett that it's making even me feel old. Who's Don supposed to finger bang now? He can't be at dinner with these people! Sheesh!

Don and Harry Crane go to a Rolling Stones concert and talk to a young female actress I can't place. WHERE IS SHE FROM? AMERICAN HORROR STORY? WHERE IS THIS GIRL FROM? The episode's casting details aren't on imdb yet.

Peggy hires a new artist but it turns out he's also a copywriter and guess what, he's the most annoying person on the planet. "Hi everyone, I am a young and eager 1960s Jew so naturally I have no social skills and am very pushy but when I go home you find out I am just a softy with a softy father who blesses me sweetly with apparent regularity." I want to see what this kid does next, but not because I like him. Though I probably will soon.

No Joan?

No Alison Brie???

Matt, I just don't know about this Pete kid. He's a real Me First kind of guy in a way that surpasses what's necessary to survive at SCDP. In fact, he's cruising for Roger's bruising. Either that or he will somehow be responsible for Roger's future suicide. Both feel imminent.