For you, the world is an aftermath of a bloodbath. You used to see your surroundings as black and white. Now, everything is spilling scarlet and crimson conspiracy. You mouth their lies before they can say a word. You only shake hands to wash away the dirt. Your innocence is a faraway place, an unreachable home deep into the woods. Going back only means facing the wolves and their hunger for your sins. Walking ahead means cruising through the currents of the unknown. Every morning is a chance of drowning. You wonder why you keep on paddling.

But there are moments when the clouds wait for you to come home before they unleash the rain. There are songs that hug your ice heart back to its nourishing state. There are smiles that take you to a certain height without the danger of breaking your wings. There are words written to pick up the shards of your sharp past and nurse your wounds until they are fully healed. There are nights when the silence is louder than the voices you used to fight with. There are people who are willing to drive you to your drunkenness and wait until your hungover subsides.

So think about it. Maybe, the world isn’t as bloody as you think it is. You just have to find the right hues at the right moments, with the right individuals.

She never learned how to say goodbye. She doesn’t get the point of announcing the ending. As if it’s going to make it hurt less. So instead of uttering that word, she squeezes his hand a little tighter. She buries her head in his shoulder a little longer. As if memorizing the feeling of coming home. When he laughs, she stops her world from spinning just to listen to that sound. When he cries, she plunges into his vulnerability until they are both drenching with emotion to even function. She scorches every chapter of his story deep in her chest. She has located every star who knows his wishes. Day by day, he falls deeper in love. She never knew she set up a trap until she saw him struggling to get out.

He always anticipates the ending. When he’s inside a moment, he thinks of how long it will take before he gets out of it. When he looks at her, he wonders if she’s secretly plotting an escape. But she’s so tend
er when they’re lying beside each other. She’s focused when he’s so lost in retelling his own chronicles. Her touches feel like drizzle on the first day of autumn. Her kisses are sparks on New Year’s Eve. She holds his tears with caution. She ignites his smile and spreads it for the whole town to see. Maybe, somewhere between, eternity exists. Maybe, he doesn’t need to get out of this moment. Night by night, he sleeps more peacefully. The morning came anyway.

I cried. I cried because I cannot make up my mind on what reason I’m crying to. I can’t really figure it out. I was so confused and scared and I’m in doubt.

Because I think I finally found someone who can potentially replace you. Mend all the broken pieces of me. Love me until I can love myself too. I found him and I’m freaking out if I should try because I deserve better or I should flinch it away because the scars from you are still fresh open. I’m scared because he’s making me happy the way I was before, it scares me because it means I’m finally losing you and forgetting all of what we had. It means moving away from our dreams together. It means building a life not with you but with another man. I’m scared because it means accepting the reality that it’s not really you who I should be with. That it’s not really you who I should wake up with. That’s it’s not really you who I should end up with.
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He’s been through a lot. I cannot count the times I turned him down. I cannot count the times how many No’s he got as an answer. I cannot count how many times he tried. Maybe I should really give myself a chance to try because maybe he’s really the one, I’ll never know. I think I deserve to be happy too.

I still look for you in the spaces between my unwritten poetry. You are the city I have never visited but always long to return to. I trace our memories as if looking for footprints washed by the shore. If I could, I’d flip back the hourglass and watch the sands of our affection fall again. But the hues of the sunset have faded. The stars are begging me to come home. Where will I go when the comfort I need is the sanctuary between your arms? Where will I go when every time I close my eyes, images of you keep resurfacing in my dreams? Where will I go when the only destination that I know is a place that doesn’t exist?

Well, let’s face it. Relationships don’t last these days because instead of building up a strong trusting relationship for the days ahead, they only make sure that when things go beyond their control and the results of their efforts were in vain…it’s not them who is hurting the most.

The hardest part of being hurt is the feeling that you are going through the emotions alone, when in fact, you’re really not. You’re being surrounded by beautiful and great people who are more than willing to help you in the process but your eyes are fixed firmly on the vacant spot where the man you love once existed.

This is for the times we said, “One bottle only.” but we ended up getting another one and another one until we’re spilling all our secrets and drowning with all the emotions we keep on repressing with our sober tongue. This is for the nights we spent camping outside, as we burn the memories we try to forget in order to build a campfire, only to watch them refuse to turn into ashes. This is for the 4-hour phone calls where we perform an autopsy to our past mistakes and wonder why we ended up feeling dead inside. This is for the songs we sing so loud inside karaoke bars when we’re trying to conceal the sound of our hearts breaking. This is for the walls of the coffee shops that eavesdrop on us as we ramble about the bruises we acquired as we try to endure living this life. This is for the stories we keep on rewriting as we hope for a better ending. This is for the ache in our stomach as we talk about our lovers and almost lovers and peo
ple who were never really our lovers but left a certain scar somewhere deep within. This is for the conversations we had with our eyes and how we prove we still got each other even if the world doesn’t want us anymore. This is for our future plans that may or may never turn into reality. This is for the dreams we want to get a hold of and the hope that when the time comes, we will still have each other in our lives. This is for the years behind us and the years in front of us. May we stay like this for a very long time.

You are here and then you aren’t. The flowers have wilted. The shards of petals are cutting through the surface you once touched. I have kissed you with an epilogue. The raindrops dripping through are your requiem. This is where the tears should flood through. But they didn’t. I watched you descend into oblivion. Deep into the fatality, I could feel your smirk.

When the shadows have taken over and the streets are desolated, you lurk around. Creeping through the edges of my engrossed mind. Crawling to my sheets, stealing caresses to my hungry skin. Inhabiting the walls and lingering through the cracks. Penetrating the realms of my dreams, sending memories from a distant life. It’s you but you never let me see your face.

You haunt me with your existence. Your enigmatic specter shakes me from my mundanity. Pulling me to the mystery you never explained. Taking me to a non-existent reality. Tempting me with the allure of an alternate ending. Your immortal seduction is unwavering. Red is already over the place. Everything is gushing endlessly.

I badly want to talk about you but everyone around me seems like they don’t want to listen, so I’ll write it instead. It’s been three years and still, everything never felt so real. There was no day that I forget about you, like your name is the only word I hear and it keeps on reminding me that you’re still here even if you’re not. I keep on waiting and I keep on hoping that you’ll be back just like what you promised me but it’s been three years and there’s no you.

I am confused, I am hurt and I am here but ain’t feeling anything because I guess, you took every feelings that was left within me when you just suddenly vanished without my notice. And you know what? You were like a tornado, you just violently came along without me knowing when you’ll be gone. And now, you’re already gone, you’re gone and I was left wondering where you are right now. They keep on telling me that you’re already g
one for good, but hey, you should’ve made me feel your presence and I swear that I will never cry or shout once you did.

I am just missing you so bad and I don’t know what to do because I really want to see you and believe me or not, there was no day that I never wish to feel or see you. But still, I don’t know what to believe in, and so I keep on telling myself that you’re still here and we’re still breathing the same air and living under the same sky even if other people says otherwise .

I wanted to hug you like what you told me to do when you come back and I am still waiting for that moment to happen. Because I’ll keep on waiting until I see you again even if it’s impossible to happen and even if it hurts, so bad.