Wednesday, September 21, 2011

End of Summer and New School Year

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new school year and hopefully my last at UCSB. I have made my decision and I'm pretty sure I'm sticking to it. There is always a chance that things may change, but currently, I'm ready to move on. I think my only hesitation is that I may not be able to work as manager for my job at the UCen. I would love to get promoted, but I don't think I would be the best choice if I'm only going to be here for the rest of the year. This is why I may stay for a summer session or two. This would lighten my workload during this year and allow me to have more work experience and possibly manager experience. I suppose it all really depends on what my academic advisor says when I finally get a chance to talk to him or her.

Another thing that I decided over the summer was to see a therapist. So I picked up the phone and called my health insurance, got a few names, and started my sessions. I love who I chose. She's funny and nice. She sees things in myself that I don't. She brings thoughts out of my that I never knew I had. For instance, I realized that I think of myself as a doormat and I'm alright with it, as long as people recognize that I'm a very pretty and nice doormat. I don't care about myself at all. In fact, I would help everybody else before I help myself. I see nothing in myself that deserves love or kindness, but I believe everyone else deserves it. I hardly even know myself anymore. I've become the shell of myself and my therapist helped me realize this. You may be thinking, "Wow! What a terrible thing to realize. Why would you be happy with your therapist for making you think these things?" Well, my dear imaginary reader, now that I know I think these things, I can figure out how to change my outlook.

My therapist also tells me that I have an eating disorder. It isn't anorexia or bulimia or anything like that. It's just that I have a disordered way of eating, a nonspecific eating disorder. I obsessively count my calories. I'm actually addicted to counting calories. I get panic attacks when I can't/don't work out. I weigh myself multiple times a day. The number on the scale can make or break my day. All of these quirks or obsessions or whatever you want to call them make my life a living hell. All I want is to be happy and healthy again. I want to be Happy Heather. I'm tired of every day being a struggle. Every waking minute, I'm waging war with myself and always going to bed at the end of the day defeated. I just want to die sometimes. My foreseeable future gets shorter and shorter. I hate not knowing where I will be in a year. I hate not knowing where Anthony will be in a year. We find out in March whether or not he gets into the Naval Academy. If he does, he would be in Maryland for four years starting next June. In which case, I would have to decide where I wanted to be until he and I could actually live together whether that be in Maryland in my own apartment or living with Elisabeth in Sacramento. There are so many factors. I don't even know what schooling I'll do after I graduate from UCSB. Should I go straight to working on my masters and doctorate? Should I take time to get certified as a personal trainer? Should I just take time off of school to work full time? What am I doing with my life? My God, I've totally lost track of where this paragraph was going...

In a nutshell, I've been depressed. Much to my dismay, this summer will forever be known as Heather's Bummer Summer, just as I feared it would in my last blog post. I hardly made any money. I didn't really make any fabulous memories. Anthony and I didn't really do anything special. My eating disorder took a turn for the worse. I went down to an average of 110 lbs, from 120 lbs in January. I'm terrified of gaining weight. I'm terrified of getting softer. I feel as if I already have.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new school year. I moved into my first apartment last weekend. I love it. I love having a kitchen and my own food and a living room. There's always somewhere I can go to be alone. Yet there is always somewhere I can go when I don't want to be alone. I'm working a lot because I have two jobs. I'm taking 20.5 units this quarter, so school will keep me busy. There is a little fitness center in my apartment complex so I have no excuse not to work out. I'm taking an aerobics class twice a week with Alexandria and my other friend Lara. My roommates are great. I have all the makings for a great school year. I just have to make sure I make myself happy when I'm down, make myself smile when I frown, make myself eat when I'm hungry, make my workouts fun, and when the going gets rough, know not to run. I've got to take a stand and face the challenges ahead. I've got to roll with the punches and not drown in my eating disorder, but instead, kick it in the ass, chase it out of town, and cheer victoriously over my mending spirit. I want the end of this summer to mark the end of my sadness and the new school year to bring in peace, love, acceptance and happiness into my life. I've already made a list of things that make me happy. I will often use it and tell my friends to use it when I'm down. Maybe my next blog post will be that list. Hopefully I'll be updating this blog a lot more now that I'm on my computer more often for school. Anyway! Wish me luck this year! I'm already feeling excited for it all to begin.