[SIC] LETTER OF THE WEEK! RUDY CAN FAIL

Dear Jared,

Hey man - just wanted to give you a shout thanking you for the live music tips. I'm actually a music consultant working for sony pictures that just got out here a few weeks ago and am excited about checking out some live music while I'm out here for the next couple months. I already have a slate of stuff scheduled (Barbara Morgenstern, Telefon Tel Aviv, Nouvelle Vague etc) but want to thank you in advance for any russian artists that you bring to my attn. I'll keep checking your space online, and let me know if you ever feel like meeting up at a show for a beer or four.

Cheers,

Rudy

Dear Rudy, Yahweh replies, "Rudy, you poor wayward son, heed Mine words: For I say unto thee, 'Dude, what the fuck is wrong with thee! Thou art a frickin Sony Pictures producer in a town full of fertile womenfolk of child-bearing age! Think not of imbibing 4 foul beers with this Jared geek, and start thinking like a frickin Sony Pictures producer already!' Okay seriously, I'm gonna let My hair down hair here, tone down the rhetoric, and address you one-to-one, Dios a mano, okay? Look, do you realize what your business card can score us in a place like Moscow? Do I have to spell it out for you? YOU ARE A BABE MAGNET, RUDY! Capice? BEE-AY-BEE-EE MAGNET! Seriously, that Sony Pictures producer card is worth 10 Tribes of Israel minimum. Here's what I propose: Friday night. You bring your Sony Pictures business cards. I bring My omniscient powers and My virgin-baby trick. The two of us in the Krysha chill-out bar? Forget it! Every Masha, Tanya and Sveta will be eating out of the palms of our hands. We'll have to peel the girls off of our chaps. (You do wear chaps, don't you? Last time I made an appearance on earth, chaps were all the rage, but no one told Me so I arrived chap-less. Some funny bastards made a movie about that last disastrous visit of Mine, adding humiliation upon humiliation by hiring a crusty old geezer named Burns something-or-other to play Me, and a retard named John Denver as my Chosen One. Yeah, real funny, wasn't it? I'll tell you what was funny—when I whispered into Denver's ear, 'Try flying the Long EZ craft over the Monterey Bay, it's totally safe!' Punished that Burns prick by making him live until he was 120 years old, crapping into his Depends. Worked too. Next thing you know, they hired only the A-listers to play me. You've got your William Defoes, your Morgan Freemans, your Mel Gibsons getting on the whole Yawheh-And-Son thing. You see what I'm talking about here Rudy? Only the A-list!) Anyway, throw me a prayer this Thursday night, and I'll have my people contact your people."

THE GLOATING PLANET

Mr. Kalashnikov,

Dude, oh my god, your post "Americans Suck Dick For Gas Money" was like the most virulently anti-American thing I have read. It was so brilliant, thank you for writing that. Anyway, I am American and I understand your frustration. This is how I feel, and I live here. So imagine what that's like.

Jasper

Dear Mr. Jasper, You think it's hard being an American in declining America? Just imagine how hard it is being Vlad in ascending Russia? Seriously, it's getting lonely at the top. Success isn't all it's cracked up to be. You Americans, all declining and failing and stuff, you don't realize how authentic you seem to a successful modern Russian. Whatever you do, try not to change. When Russians travel to America, they want to get a taste of the authentic, extreme life you Americans live. It's so boring in Russia, every day getting richer and richer. What you Americans are doing by getting poorer and declining, it's so real, man. If only you could appreciate it as much as Vlad does!

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