Naomi

Dad had his eye operation last Wednesday. I was restless in the afternoon; so was Mum. I vacuumed, she mopped. The house felt unsettled. When he came back with his alien eye patch, clear and plastic so he could see through it, he looked a little shaken. It felt strange to see him that way; he has always seemed invincible.

The next morning I woke up and felt like I’d lost two months. It was unseasonably sunny and warm, a fluke day—a reminder that summer was approaching. Had I done enough to ensure that when the warm weather really did emerge I would cope with it better than last year, or would I hide? Would I once again wake up every day and feel the fear drop onto my chest and stay there till nightfall? It was like the sunshine illuminated the corners where things like to hide, perhaps including the realisation that I have moved on from the person I was last time the sun was so bright and the air so warm.

I took Dad to the library and for a walk. He had my brother’s funny sunglasses on to protect his sensitive eye, which made a strange contrast with his fleece. We linked arms as we walked, and I imagine we made a funny-looking pair, but I struggle to care what anyone thinks when it comes to my parents. Of course they cause me the typical teenage embarrassment on occasion, but usually I think the problem lies with anyone who judges them. By now my parents and I know each other very well—maybe unnaturally so. They have been my only constant companions over every bump on my so-far-quite-bumpy road.

We walked over to the high school I’m applying to. We passed students cluttering the pavements on their lunch break, and suddenly I felt uncomfortable. I could feel their eyes on me. All at once I wished we were on a quiet, dark road instead of this sun-soaked one.

I am pretty sure of how I want to be seen, and how I presume I am seen. When I walk the streets alone I could be anyone from anywhere. When I leave the house I try to hide everything that I have experienced; when I am out in the world I can pretend none of it has happened. It can be a shock if I bump into anyone I know, if I have to open my mouth. When my mouth is closed I can be aloof; I can hide behind my exterior, my winter coats and shoes. When my hair is just right and I am feeling calm, I can walk with a confidence that I don’t think I have yet, deep down. When I’m out I just feel panic that peaks and falls. At home, it’s different. At home my anxiety can fester, and self-doubt prevails. I hoped a new school could be a fresh new page.

When we got home I changed out of my sweaty clothes (I hadn’t realised how warm it really would be) and sat for a while in the cool, in my underwear, feeling my armor slip away. I don’t wish for people to judge me on how I’ve lived my life so far. How years have been swallowed by avoidance, anxiety, low self-worth, periods of crippling sadness, tiredness, and all kinds of coping methods (that don’t work). Even people I have known most of my life struggle to understand any of this. So I don’t tell them about it.

I realised then that I am out of touch. I live in a sheltered world. I can pretend I do not, but I do. I have not lived life on a normal level for a long time. This makes me feel immediately ostracised from other people my age. I suppose I thought that reading books was education enough. And it has been enough, but not anymore.

When I enter into this new phase, I want to make a splash, to be a success on some level, but I have absolutely no idea how it will work out. My real-world experience is close to nil.

I spent a lot of Wednesday night lying in bed, wondering why I don’t just drink myself into oblivion, spend nights with strangers, never come home? Why isn’t that my life? Why did I get this instead? Arguably that could be as damaging, and I don’t think I would want it, but would I feel so embarrassed and ashamed if that was what threw me off course? Would I have actual “life experience”? If there is such a huge variety of human experience in the world, what keeps me bound to this one? Why do I have to feel so trapped? How can I break free? Sometimes I want to run wild and not have a passing worry. I wish intensely to be free from limitations.

Lying there, I understood that I can’t predict how going back to school, being the New Girl, submerging myself in that environment again, will pan out. Or, for that matter, adult life in general. Perhaps, I thought, I will feel just as lonely as I did before.

But then I looked at my walls, covered in pictures of my heroes, and my piles of books, and realised I’ll always have this. These are things that give me confidence. But were they really enough? Was the self-assurance they gave me an illusion all along? ♦

ug. Ruby. I know the FEELING man. (woman.) We don’t have school dances, but in seventh grade, the year everyone is thirteen, bat/bar mitsvahs are a BIG deal. And most of the parties are just like you described, with a lot of “THIS PLACE IS BOUT TO BLOW WOH OH OH OH OH OH OHHHHHH”s and “PARTY ROCKERS IN THE HOOOOUUUUUUUSEEEEEEEE TONIGHT” and everyone jumping up and down in their little circles and *shudder* grinding and wearing mini skirts and GOD PEOPLE YOU’RE THIRTEEN FOR GODS SAKE.

And then most of them give out sweatshirts, and then the next day it’s like, *oh, who’s wearing so-and-so’s sweatshirt, who got invited, how many sweatshirts do you have* and it’s like this big group sport.

And that’s not to say I’m against Bar/Bat Mitzvahs of course! All of my cousins had them and they were really fun and there was no UNCE UNCE and there doesn’t have to be.

omg we have this dumb disco thing for like 13 year olds and you can get a ticket and go and its basically just that. I got dragged there one by friends and spent the entire time begging to sit on the sinks in the bathroom it was horrible.

Dylan- I know how you feel. Except I didn’t see my crush for 4 years…
Katherine- I i was a cookie, I’d want to be a snickerdoodle.
Ruby- Aghhhhh, broken expectations.
I remember my first dance. It was in the 7th grade and I showed up wearing this great satin skirt and mohair sweater and everyone else was wearing booty shorts and mini skirts. I tried to get the DJ to play The Stones but nobody even knew who they where. And when I finally got my friend to dance, all they wanted to do was grind. However my freshman dance was a lot better.
PS- I love your dress Ruby!

Ruby- aaaaggggggrrrreeeeeeeeed. You are my twin. I mean really?? Mini skirts and shorts in the middle of Winter? Your summary of the music was spot on. What ever happened to swaying to the music and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTvkHQFOo7o ? (BTW. The director of this film is having way too much fun).

ruby, i’m sorry your school dance kind of sucked, and you felt at odds with the vibe. that is bound to happen sometimes though. i understand that it feels frustrating and sort of like a scab that itches when you’ve had a night that you had high expectations for (whether you’ll admit it or not) ends up being a mess. chalk it up to experience.
i’m 22 and i went to a party last weekend where the highlight of the night was going to the shop and buying bubblegum. the party kind of sucked, but actually it’s pretty funny how crap it turned out, though at the time i felt kind of let down.

as for the neighbour wanting to ask you out – just try to learn from what happens next. i wish i had learnt how to reject someone kindly and without hurting their feelings a LOT earlier than i did, because i screwed over several boys before realising that all i needed to do was be certain of my own feelings and, if need be, calmly tell them no, i’d much rather be friends.

also, and i know you must want to punch all the people who say this, but it’s not the end of the world. luckily or unluckily there will be many more school dances and many more boys wanting to ask you out.

RUBY! MY DJ DID EXACTLY THE SAME THING! EVERY SONG I REQUESTED WAS IGNORED, AND HE WASN’T EVEN PLAYING POPULAR MUSIC! EVERYONE LOOKED AT MY FRIEND AND I LIKE WE WERE FREAKS, SO WE WENT TO THE BATHROOM AND TOOK WEIRD PICS OF EACH OTHER – oh and by the way, you look really pretty in that picture :)

Ruby- My first dance in 7th grade, me and my friend Cassie got in the middle of the highschooler’s dance circle and started break dancing! We won the dance contest!
I think school dances are kinda over-rated though….
Naomi- Hang in there!

Ruby, rejecting a dude doesn’t have to mean awkwardness forever! Just give him some time to chill out about it afterwards/give him some space for a while if he wants that. Whatever made you friends in the first place is still going to be there, so there’s no reason that you can’t eventually go back to the good ol’ friend zone. :)

Naomi, I know exactly what you mean with the whole anonymous taking walks thing, like you could be anyone. Sometimes I feel like I’m more interesting before you talk to me; like my interesting appearance misleads people into thinking I will actually be interesting. It’s not that I’m not…. I’m just awkward, especially at first impressions.

Katharine
all I do is watch parks and rec, skins, and rupauls drag race too WOAH!
I absolutely love it and I cant wait to here your thoughts on the fourth season!! (btw you can get them all on logotv.com)
Also, drag queens are like my biggest inspirations and some people think thats strange but they have such love and devotion to what they do and they respect each other (even through the reading!) and they’re the definition of confidence on a runway. and they’re gorgeous
okay babble over :)

Ruby, that dress is so pretty! I can’t believe people weren’t showering you with compliments on it! but i guess thats how most people are when someone stands out. they try to put you into groups like emo or scene. its quite silly, actually.

Me too Naomi and Superkat, me too. It was so nice to read this, I don’t feel as alone. I like weird things because I feel weird too, strange ‘quirky’ things because I feel comfortable with them more than ‘ordinary’ stuff. I’m not out every night getting drunk, sleeping with different people each week/month/whatever, I’m interesting and my interests are no illusion. I’m happy with what I have and I’m trying not to compare myself with others. My life isn’t like theirs socially and definitely not privately. Theres more of us out there than we think.

@Ruby: Break-ups don’t have to be awkward (although I am the QUEEN of awkward break-ups, I have managed to stay really good friends with at least one ex, and it’s nice because they end up knowing you better than anyone). You gotta date a lot of people before you can really know what you want from a relationship so I think the awkwardness to an extent (even though it sucksssssss) is totally worth it at some point.

Ruby: Yeah middle school dances are pretty much the worse thing ever. Grinding, sweat, guhhh… I shudder. But don’t worry, one more year to high school! I prefer high school over middle school. People are a little (emphasis on the little) bit more mature.

Katherine- I LOVE RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE. I know EXACTLY what you mean about loving it and why. I also wanted Raja to win:) I like that they don’t really fight (no knock-down, drag-outs- although how deliciously punny would THAT be??), like on other reality shows. It’s nice to see it be about the competition and not trying to get more air-time.

Ruby- my first dance is in a few weeks and I’ve been stressing out about it for the same reasons you discribed of regretting going to yours. All my friends are getting (trying to get) dates, and I’m the only one that doesn’t want one. Hopefully my experience is better then yours was!!! Loved your dress by the way!

Ruby, oh God I have done the same thing at dances. I’m always over dressed, wearing my hair strange and deciding to nude out my lips or something, and then requesting songs no one else will dance to. Even at my own sweet 16, I had to fight with the DJ. Who won.

Middle school life is hard, Ruby. It’s filled with all sorts of awkward nuances such as these, and I feel for you. When I was in eighth grade, I got set up with this guy I sat next to in History… and it was very much awkward. But never fear! One day you will be able to laugh about it all! Which doesn’t sound cheesy at all, I know.

Ergh, Ruby, your experience sounds extremely similar to what the dances are like at my school. They’re called “canteens” and no one really dresses up and the music is awful. Everyone’s into all the stupid new dance moves (like the Dougie – I mean, seriously: what the hell is a dougie?). It is very dull and there is lots of screaming.

Naomi, your diary entry this week is perfect and gorgeously written. I feel similarly about going to college this year- holy shit, it’s this year. I hope your new school works out for you like you want.

@Ruby it’s lame to admit this but I was excited as hell for my Senior prom last year! Really.
I wanted a special made dress and to dye my hair and lose a little weight and everything(of course NONE of this happened). This all in spite of the fact that I dressed like a 90′s rapper for most of high school.
Prom was rad. This girl couldn’t walk in her heels and ended up stepping on her train and doing a front flip. All the snotty kids came drunk/high and couldn’t hold their liquor at all. One of my good friends who I kinda had a crush on senior year let me wear his luchador mask and we goofed off the whole night. And the guy who broke my heart coldn’t stop staring the whole night. I danced with my two best girlfriends during the slow jam. And there were like three pregnant chicks OWNING the dance floor and looking fab. It wasn’t like Pretty in Pink by far, but it’s nice to dork it up with your friends, in nice clothes no less!

It was in sevent grade, which is freshman year in the Netherlands because our school system sucks. There was something weird called Art Week Prom and I went because, yk, it’s art week so it sounded all good. Let’s keep this short… I end up being beated up by seniors because I seemingly ‘betrayed them’. Well, sorry that I went to the head when you told me you were going to kill me/threw energy drink over my head/locked me up in the toilets. I am sorry, from all the depths of my heart!

I think it’s fine if 8th graders don’t like the pixies or worry about being into cool things and get into that nostalgia stuff. usually i wouldn’t expect that age group to. they might want to get the most out of their childhood before it’s finished, including the awkward grinding phase. i can safely everyone thinks in retrospect that they were giant freaks when they were in their early teens no matter what.

Dylan you are literally so cool, in your art student apartment with a touring band practising in your lounge in the morning whilst you’re in bed with a sleeping rockstar reading Patti Smith- Just Kids. THAT IS JUST SO COOOOOL

And Ruby i have some girl jelousy for you… your dress and docs, the fact you wore it to prom how you have such a balance and maturity/teeness.. uuuhdvfkbhjbvfb

Ruby, we’re (I think) very close in age, and the emo/scene question arises in conversation in my (quasi-small town) more than I’d like it to. But not as often as the blatant, and hackneyed, STATEMENT of “You’re a hipster.” It degrades your sense of identity, no? And since music is my… niche, when I went to a dance, I found many of the songs I liked at the time weren’t even on iTunes, and so the DJ was all “YOU’RE MAKING THESE UP.”

Katharine and (Naomi, too), I’m glad that you both seem to have at least ACKNOWLEDGED my compulsion to read, watch, and listen to everything and my obsession with knowing everything.

It’s so good to be able to read these, I feel human again. The boy I really like tried to make with my best friend lately, he made out he really liked him, I never really trusted him, then I soon as I started to, I found this out. I’m so jelous of this girl. Its good to know we can all share our feelings on here, sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to have feelings..

Dances get so overhyped.
I went to Prom as a sophomore and it was OKAY? And I had decided not to go as a senior because been there, done that, and it just wasn’t worth it in my opinion. And my friends pressured me to go and I eventually gave and in. And it just wasn’t fun for me, I felt so uncomfortable. I have no “memories” or anything, it was just one of those events in high school that didn’t fit in with the things I liked. I don’t think dances are lame, I just feel if it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing.

Ruby, at least you looks ABSOLUTELY AMAZINGLY AWESOME and now you can show that picture to you great-children and go, “Yeah, that marvelously stylish chick is actually MEEEEEEEEEEE.”
And yeeeeeees, great guy friends asking out-ness can be kind of awful. Best wishes to you.

Ruby – Oh wow, that sounds horrible, the music thing. Something similar once happened to me in school. We were at recess and I was hanging out with my friends (sort of friends) and it was my turn to pick the music so I put on Nirvana’s “Lithium”. Which is like one of their best songs, perhaps with the exception of “In Bloom”. And perhaps “Smells Like Teen Spirit”.
Anyway, my so-called “friends” just started laughing at it! LAUGHING at Nirvana. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LAUGH AT NIRVANA, AT KURT LEGEND COBAIN?! I just got so pissed off, pissed off at these ignorant girls, pissed off at our useless generation and pissed off at the world for sucking so bad. Sorry. Gloomy comment.

Your dress looks beautiful! Where do you get these old pieces? Trough the internet or thrift stores or other places?

Know how ya feel, Ruby. I swear to god, I can’t go to school dances without my ears beginning to bleed from that shitty music.
But the Pixies are awesome!!! Stupid kids these days with their dubstep and their autotune.
Cute dress, by the way. And nice Docs. Although the dress did look kind of uncomfortable.
Good luck with your future endeavors that hopefully don’t involve shitty music and unavoidable situations!!!
-Sublime

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