I have been with my husband for 10 years, but only married 18 months. Every time we have sex we have a good time (or I thought we did), but lately I h...

Question

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, but only married 18 months. Every time we have sex we have a good time – or I thought we did.

But lately I have found him becoming increasingly bored with it – or unwilling to bother (using many excuses like he's too tired or busy).

He still seems to enjoy it when we actually do it, but this is becoming more and more infrequent. For the first time in 10 years, we have not had sex for nearly a month now.

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The frequency has been declining in the last year (which has been very stressful) but it has never got so bad as this.

He has finally told me very recently that he masturbates to Internet porn and that this is becoming more and more frequent -- and that he is even afraid he might be addicted to it.

While I realise this is a common male activity and don't worry about it too much (more that he has kept it from me for years), I do worry that he prefers it much more to the real thing with me.

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He obviously realises it is a problem – which I'm grateful for as a first step – but I have no idea what to do now. He has admitted he finds sex with me rather boring, although he says he still enjoys it. He says we do not use enough positions. I agree with this, but sex has most often been initiated by me, so I'm not sure what to do about making it more exciting, if he will not ever take the lead.

I do feel hurt and betrayed, but not in the least bit angry with him. I want to understand how I can be more exciting for him, but he isn't great at communicating his ordinary feelings – much less his sexual ones.

I hope that this is the start of better communication between us, but have no idea how to help him continue to be open. I do think it could seriously ruin our marriage, even though we love each other very much, if we don't sort it out very soon (particularly before we think about having kids).

It has been a long while since he has paid a lot of attention to my appearance, even though I know I'm not unattractive. I do get fed up with feeling that he doesn't think so. And this is compounded by the lack of sexual activity in our relationship – particularly recently.

Your advice on what I can do next would be most appreciated.

Answer

David writes:

Unfortunately, we have seen this situation quite often in the years since the net became widely available: the husband neglects his wife's sexual needs – and instead goes in for Internet porn.

Usually, it doesn't bode too well for a relationship. But in your case, your attitude is amazingly positive - I do congratulate you!

It would be a good idea if you could introduce more variety into your sex life - fantasy, dressing-up, sex aids and so on. But really, your husband must sort himself out if your marriage is to be saved. I see you live in a part of Britain where facilities for marital counselling aren't particularly good.

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However, there is the excellent Relate service and I feel that you and your man should go and see them as soon as possible.

Christine adds:

I just wanted to say that I agree with David that you are a very enlightened woman. Many of the women who write to us with similar problems seem to be aghast that their men are interested in porn and that they masturbate.

You do see this as pretty much normal – which it is. But it is a question of degree. And you can see that the degree it has reached in your house is no longer normal.

I do agree with David that you should both go to Relate.

In addition, if your man is willing, I think he would benefit from ringing someone at Sex Addicts Anonymous – where they will be very familiar with his problem. He can ring on: 020 8946 2436.

Finally, you mention children and I do feel very strongly that you should not consider having a family until this issue is resolved one way or another. I also feel that your husband should realise that your patience will not be limitless.

Clearly you are a warm-blooded, sexy and attractive woman and if you never feel appreciated or desired at home, you will eventually - almost certainly – look outside of the home for everything that you're not getting there.

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