There was a time when we couldn’t wait for things to change – for school to end and the summer to begin, to go away to college, to find a job, to find a better job, to find a partner, and perhaps find a better partner, to watch our kids grow up. But now we are just as likely to fear change, especially if we become preoccupied with the unpleasant ones that come with age.

Actually the worst thing for our well-being is to stop experiencing change. The biggest threats to healthy aging are isolation and tedium, according to all the experts. But we don’t need experts to tell us that; we all know people who have shut themselves off from change and aren’t doing well. New discoveries, new friends, and new challenges keep our juices going and generate life-giving opportunities. Many of us have been surprised to find that contrary to the bad press aging gets, the years after 50 are a high point in our lives. In other words, many things are changing for the better.

The big revelation for me is the discovery that my perspective itself has changed. I am not who I was, only older. Even familiar experiences and relationships take on new meaning. Some have become more important and others not so much. More and more often I find myself choosing to only spend my time in situations that I consider worth my time, and I am more engaged than when I used to just show up. In the same way, the people who matter in my life matter more than ever, and I want to spend any time I have with them.

A second big change is that I am no longer so concerned with what people think of me. I am more interested in what I think of myself, and what I can learn about my authentic self now that I have outgrown the expectations I thought the world had for me. The freedom from approval opens up all sorts of “inappropriate” possibilities, such as liberating an inkling to try – oh, I don’t know – tango dancing or traveling alone. Most exciting of all, every new experience brings new people into our lives, people with their own stories to tell and interests to share.

But I am skipping over the hard part. It is one thing to see the appeal of change, but it is quite another to get up and at it. Anne Morrow Lindbergh nailed the feeling. “Is there anything as horrible as starting on a trip?” she wrote inGift from the Sea. “Once you are off, that’s all right, but the last moments are earthquake and convulsion and the feeling that you are a snail being pulled of your rock.” That sluggish feeling, as much as the fear of change, can hold us back.

I have found that making change is not about earthquake and convulsion, but happens in tiny almost imperceptible wiggles. “Nothing changes if nothing changes” is an AA mantra, but it is the key to shifting gears on any life path. The smallest adjustment to a routine can set everything in motion – taking a new route to work, switching from books to a Kindle or from reading novels to reading history, talking to the person standing behind you in line, or “forcing yourself” to go to that community meeting.

We are impressed by those who throw over everything in pursuit of a lifelong passion, but the truth is that most of us haven’t got that kind of buried fire to illuminate the road not taken. What we do have is a more modest but just as meaningful “pilot light” to guide the way. It may not even be something you have been longing to do all your life but rather something you have been doing all your life that you are now prepared to approach with new vigor. I know of hobbies turned into businesses, of an abiding interest in people elevated to a volunteer or mentoring commitment, of professional drive scaled back to make room for neglected relationships.

Now is the time to play to our strengths. Sure, our bodies and minds aren’t what they were, but our brains and our spirits are enjoying a growing sense of mastery. We are simply better at living than ever before. That is the change that really matters.

As we pass the halfway point of life we may begin to wonder what we will do with the rest of it. We long to explore new horizons of self-discovery and experience, but we fear the wages of age – loss, decline, disappointment. Is our glass going to be half-full or half-empty? The scale is tilted by circumstances – health, finances and luck – but it is also weighted by outlook.

Those who head toward reinvention may first notice a shift in priorities and concerns. Things that seemed so important only a few years ago – such as being on time, being popular, being on the fast track – have faded into the background. We are more interested in figuring out what really matters to us now and going forward. Letting go of stressful external demands makes us better able to chill out, to use a phrase we lived by in the ’60s. Being more attentive to internal priorities makes us more spiritual. Together these two adjustments enable us to accept the bad and appreciate the good, and that equanimity feels good.

Indeed, studies have shown repeatedly that people in their 50s, 60s and 70s are happier than those in their 20s, 30s and 40s. We simply don’t sweat the small stuff; instead we focus on discovering how precious the big stuff is. Interestingly, neuroscientists have found that the brain literally filters out minor irritations and enhances the positive perceptions and experiences. The message is: focus on the half-full glass, not the half-empty one. We may be losing strength, importance, good looks, but we are also gaining perspective, attentiveness and good humor about our situation.

As a parody of the famous “Serenity Prayer” called the “Senility Prayer” puts it, “God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.” The glass half-full is literally about balance. Emotionally, for example, we are better able to live with contradictions and find peace within turmoil. With age, explains Laura Carstensen, founding director of the Stanford Center on Longevity, we “are more likely to experience mixed emotions, happiness and a touch of sadness at the same time. Having mixed emotions helps to regulate emotional states better than extreme emotions.” We become more accepting, less judgmental. The world that we once saw through filters of black and white, good and bad, right and wrong is now full of delightful shades of gray and new depths of understanding and empathy. Such adaptations to the limitations and challenges that age brings are also elements of “wisdom.” In fact, wisdom itself is a survival tool, according to Dr. Sherwin B. Nuland. “Though age may not necessarily bring wisdom, age nevertheless demands it,” he writes in The Art of Aging: A Doctor’s Prescription for Well-Being. “At earlier stages of our lives things tend to take care of themselves. They do not require the constant attention and watchful circumspection we come to need in order to negotiate our later decades.”

Such wisdom also applies to caring for our physical selves, according to Dr. Nuland. Our bodies, if mindfully managed, are capable of maintaining a holding pattern of wellness as we age. The more we examine our lives, the more we choose what matters over what doesn’t, the more we cherish the people who enrich our days, we eventually come to the question: what will matter about us when we are gone. Erik Erikson who pioneered the study of life stages, called this emerging interest in a legacy “generativity.” Some turn their attention to young people, grandchildren, mentees; others explore Encore careers, work that, as Encore.org, an organization that explores meaningful work in the second half of life, puts it, offers “passion, purpose, and a paycheck.” For still others it is finding and nurturing the talent, the message, the model within that expressed the best that is there. Wisdom, mindfulness, balance and tolerance bring a growing appreciation for everyday pleasures and accomplishments. I have a coffee mug with these words on it: “Each day is a gift. That’s why they call it the present.” That is why these can be the happiest and most rewarding days of our lives.

]]>http://blog.aarp.org/2013/09/04/inventing-the-rest-of-our-lives-a-glass-half-full-frame-of-mind/feed/0http://blog.aarp.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Photo_Suzanne_Braun_Levine_credit_Joanna_Levine1.jpghttp://blog.aarp.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Photo_Suzanne_Braun_Levine_credit_Joanna_Levine1-185x185.jpgWeighing In on Sandberg’s “Lean In”http://blog.aarp.org/2013/03/18/weighing-in-on-sandbergs-lean-in/
http://blog.aarp.org/2013/03/18/weighing-in-on-sandbergs-lean-in/#commentsMon, 18 Mar 2013 17:43:15 +0000http://blog.aarp.org/?p=45064I’ve got 25 years on Sheryl Sandberg, the Facebook honcho whose new book has people talking about how far women have come in the world of work. But much more than mere age separates the two of us. Sandberg is unabashedly ambitious, and she urges readers of Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead to follow her example.

Me, I’m not so ambitious – or perhaps I should say I’m nowhere near as ambitious as I was at her age (Sandberg is 43). So when Time Magazine puts her on the cover with the line “Don’t hate her because she’s successful,” I have no problem admiring her achievements without envy.

But I sure know where Sandberg is coming from. As a lifelong practitioner of the mealy-mouthed “This may be a stupid idea, but…” style of presenting ideas in meetings, I applaud her drive to move the women of her generation beyond such deference. (Okay, beyond such wimpitude.)

What Sandberg can’t know yet is that the ideal of Having It All will not be a lifelong concern. Many women – and men! – of my generation have shifted their priorities to Having Enough. I don’t mean just financially (though that would be nice): I mean having enough adventure and engagement in the world, enough intimacy in the bedroom, enough good health in everyday life.

Oh, and enough meaningful work. In 2006 I got involved with an outfit called Encore.org that supports older workers seeking “purpose, passion and a paycheck.” That mellow outlook could be the perfect complement to Sandberg’s get-ahead game-plan of promotions, prestige and power: People who are comfortable with their level of advancement can keep an organization grounded, freeing the risk-takers and go-getters to do their thing. In the workplace Sandberg is discussing, regrettably, that kind of teamwork has yet to be recognized.

So people of all ages would benefit from changes in How We Work Now. In that respect, Lean In is not, as Anne-Marie Slaughter put it in The New York Times, “a young woman’s book.” Sandberg says she’s trying to empower corporate leaders to enact family-friendly options such as flexible work schedules (take that, Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer!) and paid leave for caregivers. Such accommodations to real life would make it possible for all of us – young and older, ambitious and leaning back, those seeking balance and those striving for one bright goal – to give our all.

The payoff? The satisfaction of Having Enough of It All.

]]>http://blog.aarp.org/2013/03/18/weighing-in-on-sandbergs-lean-in/feed/0Why You Should Go to Your Reunionhttp://blog.aarp.org/2013/01/21/why-you-should-go-to-your-reunion/
http://blog.aarp.org/2013/01/21/why-you-should-go-to-your-reunion/#commentsMon, 21 Jan 2013 11:00:22 +0000http://blog.aarp.org/?p=43458Admit it, you’ve sneaked a peek at the Facebook listing of a grade-school pal or enemy; you’ve Googled a high school sweetheart; you’ve even contemplated going to a reunion, after decades of scorning them. You may not be able to explain this increasing curiosity about those long-lost relationships, but we are all doing it. Think of it as historical house-cleaning. Among the many needs that emerge as we reach our fifties, sixties, and seventies is the need to explore the past, put nagging guilts and resentments to rest, and cull the meaningful lessons and cherished reminiscences we want to preserve.

Childhood friends are in a unique position to facilitate that process; they knew you back before you knew yourself. The turmoil of those first friendships were your first experiences in loyalty, betrayal, daring, intimacy. Furthermore, they are living fact-checkers on the personal narrative you have learned by heart. Your old friends can fill in gaps, offer a different perspective on events, and remind you how much fun you had, as they best-friend you all over again.

A longing for authentication sends us to Facebook and Google and even to looking someone up when you are passing through the town they live in. Or, possibly signing up for a class reunion. Why now?

To see how they turned out, especially the ones you admired or loved or hated.

To get a perspective on how you turned out.

To sit at your “regular” table in the dining room and share silly stories of foolishness or daring that only you and they remember. And giggle the way you haven’t for decades.

To cast a wistful glance back to those feisty, funny, energetic kids you were.

To reminisce about your parents and siblings with people who actually knew them, and knew them the way they were when your family was shaping your life. Who else in the world knows what your childhood bedroom looked like? What was kept in the refrigerator for after-school snacks?

To catch up on “gossip” — which really means the successes and comeuppances, the highs and tragedies that befell those, including you, who had no idea what was to come or how they would cope. Reunions are for gathering life stories about how your youthful contemporaries have made it to now -or not.

To be stunned by who has died and under what circumstances. And for a moment to glance at your own mortality before moving on.

To straighten a few things out. To apologize for the time you played a trick on Sally, an event you have regretted it all your life. To ask Tom why he canceled the camping trip you planned. To ask Jane why she never stayed in touch.

To make new connections. Since you are starting from a unique familiarity, the re-friendships or new friendships that emerge from that common ground and move forward have a very special combination of depth and freshness.

And, of course, To see how old or fat they look. The irony is that within minutes you can’t tell. As soon you are into the first sentence of a conversation, they look to you exactly as they did when last you saw each other.

That is the miracle of childhood friends; they will always be there as witness to the past and reflection of our own life trajectory.

]]>http://blog.aarp.org/2013/01/21/why-you-should-go-to-your-reunion/feed/0Four Areas Worth Reevaluating: Your Encore Selfhttp://blog.aarp.org/2012/12/07/four-areas-worth-re-evaluating-your-encore-self/
http://blog.aarp.org/2012/12/07/four-areas-worth-re-evaluating-your-encore-self/#commentsFri, 07 Dec 2012 21:00:01 +0000http://blog.aarp.org/?p=42336I have always dreamed of going on a safari – the elephants roaming, the lions stalking and the luxurious tent and campfire meals! This would be the moment to go for it – my kids are grown, my freelance work gives me the time flexibility, I am still healthy, and I have enough financial backing to take the trip of a lifetime.

The problem is that now that my dream trip is an option, I am stunned to discover that my wish list is outdated. Conventional wisdom states that the years after adulthood and before old age are when you are able to do some of the things you “always wanted to do.” Besides travel, the list often includes: learn a language, read serious books, play tennis (or golf or pick-up basketball), or establish a regular poker game. So you are surprised when, given the opportunity, you don’t want to do any of it. But, why?

This new stage of life is less about doing what you have always wanted to do and more about becoming who you really are. That wish list was composed by the person who had roles to fulfill and responsibilities to live up to.

Those days are gone. But because we are pioneers in the new stage of life – referred to as the encore stage – we have no guides or role models. We also have no prescribed standards to measure up to. Navigating this experience is much more challenging than learning a new language.

Revising our priorities and expectations to suit our encore selves can shake up our behavior and shock not only ourselves, but our friends and especially our children.

Here are just some of the areas in which all bets are off:

Friends. As your needs and interests shift, there may be friends who slip from the inner circle; you still love them, but they are not whom you want to hang out with. Other friends may become more interesting or compatible, and making new friends may become a high priority.

Work. Whether work is what you do primarily to make a living, a major part of who you are, or even if it is a burden you can’t wait to escape, your relationship with it may change. For one thing, the drive that got you where you are is abating; instead many people long for more meaning, even if that means cutting back on material things. By the same token, many women in particular, find themselves more committed to their work now that they no longer have to balance it against other demands.

Food, drink, and pastimes. What used to look like fun or the way you relaxed may become less interesting – perhaps because you are already more relaxed now. Finding out what it is that really gets you going may not be easy. That’s why it is important to give yourself a little slack when the second or third project you try doesn’t hold your attention.

Yourself. It may take a while to get used to the unexpected behavior or interests that come over you. For women, the hardest shift may be from caregiving to care-getting. Gloria Steinem calls for a new golden rule: “Do unto yourself as you have been doing unto others.” For men, the stumbling block can be the shift from being what you do to being who you are. After years of focusing on the road ahead, it takes a while to reactivate your peripheral vision.

Getting older isn’t about taking who you have always been to the next stage, it is about reconsidering the elements of your life so far and deciding what you are going to do for an encore.