Posts Tagged ‘HIS’

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To all women, men or children who feel that they are at the end of their ropes, please consider joining a support group, or forming one.

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Dear Rachel,

I have a problem, and I can surely use your advice and the advice of your readers. I am married for six years and have four beautiful young children, ka”h, and a very kind husband who is very helpful and supportive.

What could the problem be, you ask? My husband is a graphic artist who works at his computer 90 percent of his waking hours. Half of that time is valid – work, etc. The problem is the other half.

Admittedly, he spends a good deal of time just reading news articles and other harmless things. But it’s the rest that I am losing my mind and heart over. Let me explain

A year after I got married, I discovered that he was looking at pornography and searching for extremely inappropriate things online late at night when I was already sleeping. I completely lost it when I found out. I cried myself to sleep for at least six months. I was in early pregnancy with my first daughter at the time.

I confronted him immediately and he literally sobbed for my forgiveness, swearing this was not the real him, and that this would never happen again. I loved him so much and so wished to believe him that I did. I think he might even have believed himself.

Well, as you could probably have guessed, when the issue died down again, I caught him again. And again. And again. And now again. He always answers the same way, denying the extent of his problem and claiming that it had nothing to do with me or us, that it was not my fault, and that it would never happen again.

I am having such a hard time with this, especially because I don’t feel comfortable telling any family or friends about it. I feel so belittled and betrayed, and I hurt so badly. Just so that you can get a good picture of the situation, I am thin, stylish and take good care of myself. I am certainly not a snood, robe woman. I cannot say that I am all dressed up and made up when my husband comes home at night, but I know that my husband does not prefer that type. I always look good and we have a good intimate relationship, as well.

I wish someone would give me some sort of words of wisdom and advice to help me deal with this!

Feeling betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

The fact that you are not alone with this problem may offer you a bit of consolation. This column has addressed your dilemma on more than one occasion in the past. As a follow-up, we even heard from a young wife and mother who wrote of her and her husband’s ongoing progress in conquering his battle with his addiction.

Organizations geared specifically to help afflicted individuals like your husband to overcome their debilitating dependencies are worthwhile exploring. LifeSTAR Network is one – you can log onto www.lifestartnetwork.org to tap into a support system that offers information regarding individual, group, and family therapy for those who struggle with pornography and sexual addictions.

You can contact the S-Anon International Family Groups World Service Office at (800) 210-8141 or (615) 833-3152, or access their website at www.sanon.org. You can also e-mail them at sanon@sanon.org for helpful guidelines.

If your husband is indeed as “kind, helpful and supportive” as you’ve assessed him to be, it should not be too terrible a struggle to persuade him that he is in desperate need of outside intervention. That it is in your place to stand firm and not allow yourself to fall for his apologies, excuses or downplays, regardless of how sincere his pleas may seem, goes without saying.

For his own good, as well as for the sanctity of your marriage, you must summon the courage to give him an ultimatum: Either he gets help or he goes it alone. It may not be an easy approach to assume, but neither is it fair to you or your children to be living this nightmarish life – if it can be called ‘living’ at all.

You speak of going to pieces over your husband’s betrayal. In your anguish you fail to recognize that this is not about you – you are good and decent and upstanding and have no reason to defend yourself in any way. This all has to do with HIM – HIS weakness and HIS sickness. You deserve better, and you’ve certainly cried for long enough. At this point in your marriage, he cannot be allowed to get away with even the slightest hesitation in moving in a positive direction towards HIS healing. Threaten to speak to a person of authority whom he respects, and if that fails to move him, emphatically issue your final ultimatum.

As for your own sanity in this predicament, you’d be best off unburdening the heavy load you have been carrying and would benefit substantially from counseling to guide you through this rough terrain. Since you are reluctant to confide in anyone close to you, you can safely search for a competent therapist at www.nefesh.org in the privacy of your home. This is a site that features an international network of Orthodox mental health professionals.

To the many readers who have previously written of similar struggles with their addicted spouses, please let us in on your progress to date. The lessons of your experiences may well serve to lend hope and support to a fellow sufferer.

We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories by e-mail to rachel@jewishpress.com or by mail to Rachel/Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 338 Third Ave., Brooklyn, N.Y. 11215.

To all women, men or children who feel that they are at the end of their ropes, please consider joining a support group, or forming one.

Anyone wishing to make a contribution to help agunot, please send your tax deductible contribution to The Jewish Press Foundation.

Checks must be clearly specified to help agunot. Please make sure to include that information if that is the purpose of your contribution, because this is just one of the many worthwhile causes helped by this foundation.

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Dear Rachel,

I am so happy that you have finally addressed the subject of a woman married to a heavy husband (Chronicles 11-16). I have been similarly married for seven years. My husband, who was very handsome when we married, has since gained about 100 pounds, if not more. He claims that he cannot control his eating patterns and says that he is a compulsive overeater. I suggested that perhaps he should seek outside professional help or attend overeaters anonymous programs. He is not interested in anything but food. It is an addiction that he is not ready to deal with.

We have five small children. He has been warned by doctors and has already developed a heart condition at the age of 45. He has also been warned about the possibility of getting a stroke, yet he continues to eat. My family is very upset, and many of our friends have suggested that he take action.

I get so upset when people ask me why I don’t do anything about HIS problem. I cook healthy for my family, but he eats most meals out and calls me a party pooper when I suggest we eat healthy. He prefers the starchy fatty foods.

This eating disorder of his results in mood swings. I feel so badly for my children to see this. He has difficulty walking and will probably soon need to have a hip replacement. He can barely move and breathe (he sleeps with a breathing machine) and, needless to say, does not help out around the house. I have spoken with professionals, and some have suggested divorce.

The only good thing is that he provides well in his profession. I feel that he is very selfish because he is not willing to seek help. He sometimes foolishly says that he can control his eating and does not require outside help. He gets extremely upset when I bring up the subject and then disappears and binges. I am at the end of my rope. I too thought that it is a halachic requirement to be healthy and take care of one’s body. What more can I do?

Please help.

Wife of obese husband

Dear Wife,

You have obviously tried doing all you can to help your husband abandon his willful suicidal course. He is on a fast downward spiral and cannot be feeling very good about himself, no matter how cocky his manner and attitude. Your criticizing and hounding only compounds his misery – which he feels helpless to do anything about.

Your verbal communication is falling on deaf ears. He tunes you out almost as soon as you start speaking, for he knows your harangues by heart.

Why not attempt a different mode of communication, such as writing him a letter? You can thus express your heartfelt feelings of caring and love for him. Let him know how much you miss the person he once was and how you fear losing him.

Tell him that you want to be by his side to see him through this difficult time, how he owes it to himself and his family to make some serious changes in his life, and speak of others who have done so successfully with proper medical intervention. (Do your homework and get informed by researching the procedures available in this area, such as gastric bypass surgery and gastric banding.)

The following letter allows you a peek into the mindset of the helplessly overweight.

Dear Rachel,

I am writing in response to the woman who is trying to get across to her overweight husband. I have been battling with weight since I was a teenager or even younger. My mother nagged me about my weight for years.

After I had my first child, I became really obese. My husband then became the nag and wasn’t interested in me because of the way I looked. Most people who are severely overweight are using food to comfort themselves, and all the nagging in the world doesn’t help. It has to come from within.

When I went to the doctor and he told me that I have high blood sugar, high blood pressure and high cholesterol, I got really scared. I attempted to diet and succeeded at first, but then failed. I wasn’t ready to give up my coping mechanism, which was comfort food. I was so miserable with the way I looked. I huffed and puffed when I went up stairs and had no strength.

Nagging still didn’t help. I don’t think someone who is not battling with weight issues really understands that it’s not just about controlling or taking care of oneself. It’s much deeper. I actually got help to help me deal with issues that were bothering me. I now exercise every day and am in control of my food. I’ve lost a lot of weight, feel great and keep getting loads of compliments. I had to do it when I was ready to do it. Nobody’s pressure did it for me.

Been there

Dear Been There,

Congratulations for conquering your long-time battle and for staying the course. When one is faced with such a formidable task, it is not easy to project ahead and see yourself down the line as having actually made progress. But patience and perseverance do pay off, as you have so admirably proven.

You are an inspiration to others, and you are wise to incorporate a physical exercise program in your daily regimen. This not only builds muscle tone, but is also known to rejuvenate nerve cells all over – benefiting your brain as well as your body.

To all those struggling with an overweight issue: Your challenge is not a hopeless one. Instead of floundering in your current predicament, think positive. Today is the first day of the rest of your life – so get up, get going, get healthy! You can do it, and you will never be sorry you did!