This blog is dedicated to my mother, MaryJane Davidson Hawkes (1941-2001). A gifted writer with a keen intellect, an endless curiosity, and a deep love for people, Mom could've been anything. She chose to be a mother. She raised eight children and touched the lives of many others, often in simple ways: a telephone call, a shoulder to cry on, a loaf of homemade bread. In sharing some of her words and insights here, I hope she can continue to uplift and inspire. We love and miss you, Mom.

A Note on Content

I've struggled for a long time as to how best to organize and present aspects of my mother's life and writings. Lest I make "the perfect the enemy of the good," I've decided to simply share random bits of her own writing, unedited (in the context of each selection) and without much commentary, letting the reader draw his or her own conclusions. I plan to treat it a bit like her own blog, had she lived to write one.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Reflections on Faith

I've been re-reading excerpts from my mother's letters, and this one caught my attention on a Sunday morning. Such wisdom here. I've excerpted the last paragraph before, but wanted to share more of the full letter now. Italicized emphasis is mine; everything else is in the original. P.S. Just noticed that Katie shared excerpts from the exact same letter a little more a year ago. Reposting anyway, and adding part of a journal entry from roughly the same time. --Tim

May 4, 1997

[T]estimony--and
faith--are not as complicated or as mystical as we sometimes consider
them. Faith is simply hope. It isn’t based on a sign from heaven. If we have a sign or absolute evidence of any
kind, faith is unnecessary.

* * * *

Testimony
is bound up with our inner desires.
First, we must desire to believe, even if we are plagued with
unbelief. We have a perfect example of
this in the New Testament when a distraught father came to the Lord with his
afflicted son, hoping he could be healed.
Jesus said to him, ”If thou canst believe, all things are possible to
him that believeth.” And the father
answered, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” (Mark 9:24) The Lord apparently filled the gap in the
father’s unbelief and healed his son. Desire
was the basic requirement.

* * * *

I am sure
that if you continue to place yourself in a position where you might receive
the influence of the spirit and if you keep yourself away from places where you
know you could never find the spirit, you will gain a testimony of the gospel
that is sufficient for you. We are all
different. Your testimony, though it
comes from the same source, will not be exactly the same as someone
else’s. We all perceive
individually. From my experience, we are
given what we can understand and what we are willing to receive. And what we are given is difficult, if not
impossible, to describe. When you hear
others bearing their “testimony,” it may or may not have meaning for you. My Dad’s experience has been far different
from mine. He caused me to doubt once
because he supposed my experiences needed to be exactly like his. (And some people claim to have never had a
doubt in their lives!!) The principles
are unchanging, but the manifestation of truth has as many different means as
there are people on earth.

This idea
of testimony once seemed complicated to me and now seems much simpler. Sometimes, it seems as simple as
gratitude--the ability to acknowledge divine purpose and order in all creation
with a full and thankful heart--the joy of being alive, running, swimming,
seeing, hearing, loving--the joy of seashells and stones, of colored fruit from
the brown earth--rainbows in the air.

January 1997

I feel sure the temple endowment is meant for every single
person who lives on the earth. It comes
from a divine source. I have felt divine
power and inspiration come to me as I have searched for our ancestors, so that
they may receive these sealing blessings.

We take it on faith as the children of Israel
were required to take the rites and performances given to them on faith. In the performance of these sacred rites, we
will eventually be blessed with the meaning.
Way before the atonement, they were acting it out with all of its
intricacies, never guessing why. It is
all highly symbolic, but the symbolism is divine (far greater than
Melville’s--which nearly drove me nuts in graduate school. He is so far above my intellect. God is so much above his.) The temple endowment is like our lives. We experience the performance but miss the
meaning, yet we are surrounded with meaning all the way. Almost always, it is only in looking back
that we are able to see the whole picture and understand the whys. I am sure that is the way with the
temple. The worthiness requirement is
also something that none of us can meet at the beginning. The whole thing is a process--a beginning--a
very sacred journey. We are pilgrims,
each of us, doing this for ourselves, learning about ourselves, as we are
involved with others.

To me this
whole process is the greatest evidence for eternal life: Why the journey--the lives of struggle and
learning, always arriving at wisdom after the experience--coming to know how to
run the plays when the game has ended and often after we’ve lost the
game??? It only makes sense if there is
more. There is no evidence in nature of
futility. Everything has function and
purpose. Should our hard-won
understanding be wasted when our bodies decay?
No! This has to be just what we
are taught it is: preparation for more
and more and more. That’s what Christmas
means to me. I believe the story. It’s far crazier than a Star Wars fantasy, but
I believe it.