Monday, February 21, 2011

I remember LW bringing her to dinner one night so I could meet her for the first time. She was 9 years old. Such a tiny little thing. She was so quiet and so scared. She was checking me out though. You know that look that says "I love my daddy so you better not steal him from me." I made sure though, to always include Kassidy and I have always made sure that the two of them have some alone time together.

And just this weekend, she begged daddy up and down to sleep with her. And no matter how much I wanted him to sleep with me (well that's a lie HA!), it's these times LW will never get back with her. So I encouraged him to sleep with her, if only until she fell asleep. He craddled her in his arms and off to sleep she went.

Here she is on her 10th birthday:

Here she is back in October:

She's just at 5 feet, which makes her almost taller than me! She wears a size 7 in women's shoes, so she's definately out grown me there.

My new saying this last year with the girls has been:

"I love you to the moon and back."

Apparently it's from a children's book. Who knew. I've always said it to LW, but I've just recently started saying it to the girls. It's my way of saying my love can not be measured.

She's a sweet, beautiful girl. While we do have work on her attitude; no one said raising children was easy, especially during those pre-teen years.

I hope Kassidy knows how very much we love her and how she is an important part of our family. I couldn't imagine not loving her.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

It has taken me forever to decide on what I am going to do with my hair for the wedding. For those that don't know me, I have short blonde hair. I love my hair, but for the most part I can only style it one of two ways, and none of those styles include putting any kind of 'hair accessory' in my hair.

I knew right off I didn't want a veil.

I knew whatever I was going to use had to have bling, but have NO color since my dress,shoes and flowers are so colorful.

I've tried headbands....hated them.

I've tried tiaras....hated them.

I've even tried clip on flowers from the bridal store....hated them.

Then low and behold my friend Liz, found a vendor on Etsy that sold these beautifully handmade bridal hair flowers. I was estatic! I ordered it the very day she showed it to me.

I was so happy when it came in this week.

But when I tried it on, I hated it.

ACK

So I thought....maybe it's just how my hair was styled that day that was causing me to dislike it so much. Funny thing is, I had a hair appointment last night for a weave and cut so I thought I'd take the flower along. Low and behold, she placed that flower in my hair and instantly I could see myself walking down the aisle with that little piece of bling in my hair.

I fell in love all over again.

My hair lady even sent me a message this morning letting me know she had found the perfect hairstyle that would work perfectly with that flower.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I try not to complain and I really try hard to keep my woes to myself. But sometimes I just hurt. My heart has been heavy for some time now. I suppose I should go get help, but I'm too ashamed. I shouldn't be because I have asked for help before but for some reason right now, I just can't find the strength to ask for help. So I've been 'self medicating'. Not with medicine of course but with working out.

I've lost a total of 3.5 pounds since January. I am so beyond proud of myself. I'm arming myself with education from a dear friend's husband who is now my personal trainer. He's been training me since October, but I've sort of been a bad girl. Sure I've worked out when I'm not with him, but I wasn't exactly eating right. Now that I'm eating right the weight is coming off. And it feels fabulous and I look fabulous, but my heart still hurts. And to keep my heart from hurting I just workout and avoid people.

I suppose I should just spill what's going on, but it's another 'woe as me' story. Same old same old.

I want a baby.

I'm tired of hearing about my friends' children (not that I don't LOVE every stinking one of them to pieces), it just hurts. Like I get a stabbing, jealous sensation in my heart whenever I hear of something fabulous their child has done (which I'm equally as proud of). I just know that if I had a child of my own, they would be just as fabulous and do wonderful, exciting things. I want that joy of knowing that my child got straight A's on their report card, or that they were asked to the homecoming dance, or they made the basketball team, or they received first chair in band. I want that sense of pride that comes from watching your children achieve their goals.

While I love LW's girls to pieces, they just aren't what I would expect of my own children. I will support Kassidy and Lauren forever, and love them unconditionally, but neither child has drive or motivation. And both, have Mothers who support their unwillingness to push through and find their potential. Quite honestly, I'm exhausted from trying to help them; especially when they don't want it.

Lauren failed her first semester at college and is dating a boy who never graduated high school. She claims to want to do 'this and that', but never puts forth the effort to do so. It's all just a bunch of words.

Kassidy wants to be in volleyball, but doesn't want to commit to it. She'd rather stay home at her Mom's, in bed, on a Sat or Sun, and not commit to meeting new friends and hoaning her skills.

This kills me. I have so many hopes and dreams for them and because I'm not their Mother, and they don't see me as someone who can help them reach their goals, their dreams and potential go down the toliet.

I've tried encouraging them both but both ignore anything I have to say. I want so much for them it's unbelieveable how much my heart hurts from trying. It's like I want to curl up inside of myself and never talk to them again. And I regret a comment I made to LW last night saying "I wish they would have never came into my life." But it kills me. It is physically tearing us apart. I'm embarrassed by their lack of drive. And I'm embarrassed that LW hasn't tried harder to encourage them.

It's all just so overwhelming to me.

We talked more about adopting a baby. He's given me the go-ahead to research it, but I'm scared. Is it the right thing?

I've decided to take a 'break' from the girls. I will do what is necessary to meet their physical and emotional needs in the present, but leave everything else up to them. They have got to want something for themselves. I can't change their behaviours...as much as I have tried.

This is probably the most selfish post that I have ever written, but I need to just get it out. I love my family so much it hurts sometimes.

Monday, February 14, 2011

My dress finally arrived about two weeks ago. I can't believe it took me this long to post about it!

As you'll be able to tell, I love orange. Since this was my third wedding (don't judge please - my first husband and I had a great relationship just a bad marriage - we were together 11 years and my second husband, well let's just say we never made it to the third year of marriage and if I ever see him while I'm in my car, I'll run his hiney over!) I wanted something less traditional and more fun.

As you can see by all of the orange in the dress and the shoes I have accomplished just that.

I just hope it looks as fabulous on me as it does on the hanger.

Kassidy's dress also came in. I'm not thrilled with the dress at all. The color I love, the style I hate. But I left it up to her since ultimately she is the one wearing the dress. She will look beautiful in it regardless.

Lauren's dress isn't due in until the middle of April. GASP Apparently the style she choose is super popular. I even ordered her dress the week before I ordered Kassidy's. Kassidy's dress came in in one week exactly! But Lauren's shoes are in. I love the color and I truly hope she can wear these shoes! The heel is super high.

I need to have my MOH send me a picture of her dress. I'd like to show everyone her color. Stay tuned!

I hope all of the colors look fabulous together. I know it's probably a bit much for some people but being that I wanted a non-traditional wedding, I don't mind. My goal for our wedding is to make it as fun and light as possible. I want to share our day with those we love the most and those that mean so much to us. Being with our girls is the best gift of all.

Things are finally starting to come together.

We've changed our honeymoon from St. Lucia to Antigua. I can't wait! I just put the deposit down last week. We'll be staying at the Sandals resort on Antigua.

Friday, February 4, 2011

I can't believe I haven't gotten around to posting Kassidy's dress for the wedding yet. Infact I'm such a slacker because the dress has already arrived!!! 11 weeks early!

I am really struggling with the dress choice that Kassidy picked. It's not my favorite but I really wanted her to love it since she's the one who has to wear it. Personally I wanted her in something a little more 'kid' like, but who am I kidding? She's almost 12 and acts like a 20 year old.

The dress she choose will be amazing on her though, as I don't think there is anything that child couldn't pull off with her slim figure.

Below is her dress....however her color is BRIGHT lime green.

This wedding is going to happen! I'm a little more than four months out...holy moly!

I still have

SO

MUCH

TO

DO!

I feel like I haven't had time to really sit and focus on the wedding since I've really been swamped at work. The time I have had to plan has been restricted but now that my project is 'live' at work, I'm hoping I can sit back and get things rolling. I do plan on ordering LW's ring today at lunch though.

I can't wait to share that with everyone as well. He's made a fine choice. Now if only we could find a ring for me! I'm very indecisive about what I want.