Tuesday, November 24, 2009

As I am no longer updating my blog, I will no longer be posting stories. Thanks so much for your past submissions.

I regularly receive many thought-provoking comments and stories from many of my readers, so I've decided to open up my blog and share some of them with you.

If you have a story or opinion you'd like to share, or issue you'd like to raise, about eating disorders, depression, pro ana, etc., please forward it to me, granting me permission to post it.

If you have a picture or photo that's meaningful to you that you'd like posted with your story, please send it along to me. It can be a photo (or photos) of yourself or, if you're uncomfortable with that, just a picture that you like (an inspirational photo, etc.).

My e-mail address is ...

I can't promise I'll post every submission as I receive hundreds of e-mails weekly. I hope you'll understand.

To start things off, below is a comment I received today from Keka - Surfer Girl:

"Hi, i wanted to post the next comment on your blog about aimee moore, but it is too long. Maybe you can do something about it... maybe it can help someone. Regards xxx

This is not a problem of someone in particular. This is a problem with the whole human society. You don't need to be an engineer to look around and see what's happening around you. Society is going crazy, nearly everybody is under medication for different levels of depression and other mental disorders. Such people usually have feelings of sadness, anxiety, desperation, low self-esteem.

I know it is not easy to understand this people. But nowadays people are so blinded. Blinded by materialism and keeping up appearances. They are too busy giving an image to the world that most of time they forget who they really are and eventually they become the character they're trying to show. They tell themselves so much their own lie that eventually they believe it. But unconsciuosly our real one is still there, fighting to reach the surface, and we keep pushing it down to hide it, as if we are ashamed of our own self. From this internal and unconcious fight come the most of the problems. The ones that think they are completely sure of who they are, are the most blinded. Nobody can escape of what society has taught us, most of it unconciously, since we are a part of it we have a part of it within ourselves.

All natural things inseparable from our human nature are seen as evil. The necessities of our own body as expelling out the gas and waste substances after digestion, sex, and stuff like that look ‘ugly’ and ‘low-class’ to the eyes of others and everybody tries to pretend that that kind of things never happen to them. Disguising our own nature and pretending to be who we are not is what our society cares about. When you trying to negate what is in your nature and fight against it, you create a disorder.

In our society, you have to behave and look and be in a specific way to have success and to be accepted by other people that are getting as sick as you. We have even created ROLES that you must play depending on your sexuality. But there is not such a thing as a boy or girl behavior, you are who you are and that’s all. The problem is that our education is based on this long-held beliefs that it seems impossible to think they can be in any other way.

Society nowadays got stuck in the surface and together with it, the old great values are fading away. We are a lot more of what we can just see with our eyes. And not only us, the whole universe contains elements invisible to us. If we and our world are much more than what can be seen, why society focuses just and only on the surface of things? Because it is easier.

In the same way we have created this material-based society, we can create a different one, based on what actually matters.

What will you do when your beauty fades away? It means that when people get old must be left aside because they don’t fit anymore in the created pattern of perfection? And what is perfection? What may be the perfect landscape for you, can be not that beautiful for other people. Perfection is based on our own taste and points of view. And what we see beautiful can be ugly or indifferent to another one. Perfection does not exist as a fixed pattern, but some smart-ass has imposed it to us, together with the rule that if you don’t fit in it, you are useless. As so, we allow ourselves to make fun of those who are left outside, thinking that they are not that much worthy and feeding our own surface-based ego.

And so, we are getting the society we are looking for: a group of sick people trying to fit desperately in our pattern of perfection and beauty, with no brain that can think by itself but a brain that follows the rules imposed by society and that has unconsciously lost its ability of deciding anything outside that no-sense rules, even the ones related your own tastes and free will, because that rules are all you have learnt since you were born and it is easier to follow what you already know than teach your brain to start to think by itself. A society formed by a bunch of blinded people, unable to see beyond the skin, looking for happiness in the wrong direction and creating a fake feeling of happiness to fill the emptiness they feel. And happiness is not on money, or being popular, or fashion shoes. It is bigger than all that, and simpler at the same time. If we can look younger, and more beautiful and we are richer as the years go by, why people is more and more unhappy? Don’t you think we are doing something wrong? And can it be that we are looking for happiness on the wrong direction and placing it in other people hands instead of looking for it inside of ourselves?

A sick society as the one we are living in is creating the most of the problems that humanity is suffering in an individual or global way. Society has taught us that the more you have the happier you will be, and so you can find sick-minded people that can never have enough, people all confused and lost, looking for happiness in the wrong places, drowning in drugs and materialism and completely unable to realize that they are following a rule printed on their brains that, by their own experience, it is not a correct rule since it is not leading them to happiness. But instead of start their own ideas and become conscious of the actual situation, they keep on sticking stubbornly to their old imposed beliefs. Society has taught us that you must look beautiful to be successful and loved and so, we get a lot of surface-beauty based marriages that failed once the beauty starts to fade away with the years. Society is also bringing a new sick-minded generation starving themselves, desperate to look ‘perfect’ and get an admission ticket. Sex-obsessed people, rapists and so on are mind disorders created, most of the time, by the negation of our nature and seeing as bad and evil something that is innate to us and to every living form in the earth: sex. And this, together with the focusing on the surface, we have also forgotten that sex is more than just physical pleasure but a way to show love. What are we expecting if we have even dared to play in the name of love…

Some centuries ago no men liked skinny and sun-tanned women. They never put their eyes on them because they didn't look pretty like that. Before the wedding, women spent several days at home, so their skin got white and soft and they could put on a little weight with the lack of exercise. Nobody like this today…what has changed in people’s mind? Is there any change in men’s brains? Not at all. Nothing has change. It’s only that we move with the trends that somebody dictates. Someone tell us what things we must like now and we all follow like a herd, without even noticing they are manipulating us.

Nobody is guilty. Actually we are all victims of our own society and it is ONLY in our own hands to change it. But the first step is to realize what is going on and accept that we are behaving in this way.

Why do you think people don’t understand mental problems? Because they cannot see them with their eyes. But the problems are ACTUALLY there, aren’t they? Everybody can understand you cannot run because you have a broken leg, but just a few can understand how much yourself hurts that you need to harm your body, because nobody can see that you have a ‘broken leg’ within your mind.

I don’t want to be part of a society in which someone else dares to tell me how I have to FEEL, and to BE, and to LOOK. I don’t want to be a part of the herd because I have a brain that can think by itself. I don’t want to have to hide my nature when I walk on the streets. I just want to be happy now that I understood certain things and I could find my way back to sanity. Sanity that is criticized by lots of people in their struggle to put me down to feed their ego. I don’t blame them. I wish they knew how to fill their emptiness with love and respect for everything, since real love is key. I don’t hurt myself anymore and I accept that I can have moments of sadness as everybody else and there is nothing wrong with it. I stopped filling my emptiness with alcohol and learnt how to feel connected to the rest of the universe instead. I enjoy eating healthy because my body feels good, and also I enjoy eating my chocolate or a cake whenever I fancy it. And because it is not forbidden for me, I don’t fancy it all the time. I love to feel the sun on my face and feed the birds in my window. I don’t go out to fashion night clubs that much, only when I fancy a dance. I exercise everyday and read a lot. My dream is not anymore to become a Hollywood star. I just want a small wooden house by the sea, with a vegetables garden on the back. I want to stay close to Nature because Nature is what we all are.

This goes to everyone that got lost along the way. I really hope you find yourselves.

charlie_angel_sarah@hotmail.com Use my email if you think I can help you.

18
comments:

J
said...

Dear Medusa,

I have followed your blog for a while now and I find it fascinating, informative, and often heartbreaking. Like many people who I have seen commenting on your blog, I found it through searching things like 'thinspo', 'anorexic models', etc etc, but your website really has helped to open up my eyes. I am in no way pro-anorexia, I know full well it is a disease and not a lifestyle and the people who genuinally believe that they can choose when they are obsessed with food, the people with the fast metabolisms who think it's a great way to get a bit of attention and the people who think it fits the wannabe-model heroin chic image that's in fashion at the moment, they make me sick to my stomach. (Perhaps a poor choice of words)

I am not anorexic, but, without wanting to sound naive or like I am generalizing or underestimating the power of the disease when I have not personally suffered it, I think I can understand why people find it so difficult to overcome, and why people suffer with it so badly. Like I said I am not anorexic but like many girls (and males, it would seem), I am obsessed with food, self image, the numbers on the scales, calories, and I would do anything to be able to eat a meal, without worrying if it contains any extra fat or unnecessary calories and what I can do to counteract it afterwards. My best friend is the same, but to me she is stunning, she is 5 ft 3, about 8 st 3 and a size 8-10, yet last night I hugged her hard and tried to comfort her while she cried because she genuinally believes she is fat and ugly. The comparisons people have said they make with every other person around them sound all too familiar, and the society we live in is insanity. I am so fed up of being controlled by food, image, perception and worrying about whether that packet of gum has too many calories or not, feeling the need to punish myself whenever I slip up, but I am too scared to talk properly about it with anyone other than from behind a computer screen, for fear being ridiculed. I am 5 ft 6, 137lbs, in no way in danger of falling down a drain anytime soon.

Medusa there is no real point to this email other than to get it off my chest because I know you will understand, and to say thank you for keeping your blog updated regularly, providing hope and support for people like me who are too afraid to ask for help. I only hope you don't think I am some pathetic little girl who is trying to get your attention for no real problems.

You know, I can't think of a single woman I know who at one point in her life (or even every day) doesn't think about calories/carbs and how what they're eating will affect their weight. They may not be obsessive but it's certainly in the back of their minds. And I have to admit that I also have those thoughts, especially after consuming a big slice of pie with ice cream after eating a huge meal.

It's when those thoughts become obsessive that alarm bells should go off. Unfortunately, for many, they don't.

I understand your frustration about being controlled by food. I bet if you opened up to a friend about your frustrations and fears, they would understand totally and may perhaps be going through the same thing.

You are a perfect weight for your height, J. I'm 5 ft 6, like you, and weigh the same as you. And thankfully, I don't have any worries about falling down a drain anytime soon either :^)

I really enjoyed reading your e-mail, J. And thanks so much for your very kind words.

I don't really have a comment as much as I just need to get this off of my chest. Long story short, I have been fat all of my life and finally when I was 315 lbs I got the lap-band surgery. I had lost a good majority of the weight but I still ALWAYS craved big portions of food. I discovered that you could eat a TON of food and just throw it up and you wouldn't gain any weight. So I was happy for almost a year. I got to eat whatever I wanted, threw it up, and was losing weight. I finally reached a size 2 and was so happy, I no longer was the fat girl but yet I still binged and purged. I just somehow loved the feeling of being able to eat all of this food. When I was around others eating of course I would just eat small portions and just blame it on the lap-band. I got down to 98 pounds and was blacking out and finally one day woke up gasping for air, could not talk and was having an irregular heart beat. I went to the emergency room by the force of my roommate. They had to remove the lap-band because it was dispositioned on my stomach my esphogus had tears in it and was stretched. I was very upset, I knew that I would start to gain the weight back because I could not control my eating. I would rather die than to be fat and I still think that way today. I now cannot binge and purge because my throat is stretched and my stomach doesn't have the reflex to throw up the food. I have gained at least 80 pounds of water weight because my body's electrolytes are off balance and my body doesn't know what to do. I am just unhappy and miserable. I want to go back to where I was believe it or not. When I look in the mirror I don't really see a "fat" girl but I do think that I am fat because of the scale and the fact that I cannot fit into any of my clothes anymore. I just miss everything that I used to do. I loved being skinny and wish that I could have done things differently. Everyone keeps telling me, "Oh, you know how to eat right now, you won't gain the weight back." I know I don't have the willpower or the strength, I LOVE LOVE LOVE food, all kinds and in large quantites. I just miss being the skinny one, that's all. :-(

Dear Medusa,This blog is amazing. I have always been fascinated with eating disorders. I think I might be obsessed with them, finding out about them, analyzing them. But that's what disconcerts me. I find myself looking up pictures of emaciated people on the web, and staring at them. Just staring. I see, them, and they're breathtakingly beautiful. My rational mind tells me that these pictures should repulse me, but they just make me want to see more. I want to look like that, but I know that it would be impossible to look like that without sacrificing my health. So I don't try (thank god!)I am a 15-year old girl who isn't really sure what to make of her predicament. What is one to do when they suspect that an eating disorder may be brewing, but hasn't surfaced yet? First off, I don't know if this qualifies me as having a problem, but I am the most obsessive calorie-fat-sugar counter I know. When I want to buy something to eat, I spend a long time comparing calories, fat grams, and sugar in each individual item, trying to see which item would be less fattening. My friends all think it's ridiculous to count calories, but I think it's healthy. I just want to be healthy. Fo example, I dance about 7 hours a week, and have about 7 more hours additional exercise. I am muscular, but I suspect that I have hardy any body fat. But when I look in a mirror, say at my profile, one of two things happens: if I had eaten lightly the night before, and, say, skipped breakfast that morning, there is a noticable weight loss, and I feel good about myself. All the other times, I feel so self-conscious about how thick my waist looks. When I dance, and i make a comment about how I look, everybody always says that i'm too skinny, and it's stupid to think that i should lose more weight. The BMI tests I did online said I'm a healthy BMI, 18.5. But does that factor in having more muscle? Muscle weighs more than fat. And obsessive calorie-counting seems so normal. Every girl between 15 and 19 seems to do it. What about all those girls who are like, "oh, i feel so fat, i ate, like, 3 shrimp puffs!". Do they ALL have a problem, or am I just blowing my situation out of proportion? Actually, nevermind, I probably don't have a problem. I'll post this, but I think it will just be wasting your time to read it. You should be reading the stories about the girls who have REAL problems! I don't have a problem, do I? If I don't, I'm sorry to have bothered you.

In reading your post, I feel that you're exhibiting signs of disordered eating.

I'd recommend that you join We Bite Back (www.webiteback.com) and check out the forums there. Please re-post what you've written me at the forums there and get the advice of the members there...those who have recovered and those who are struggling. I'm sure they will identify with what you're going through.

I am heartbroken by all the girls in the world and boys with eating disorders. Sadly, I am one of them. I am 14 years old and I developed anorexia when I was 11. Yes I was very young. I was sent to a hospital twice, once to refeed me and again because I had suicidal thoughts. I have gotten a lot better, but I am afraid to go over 80 pounds. I am 5 foot exactly and weigh 77 pounds. All of the blogs I have read and exspecially yours are so inspirational and encouraging. You are so strong and God is with you. I am recovering, but I find it so hard to eat cakes and cookies and not run them off. Any ideas on what I should do to handle my anxiety? Or what I should do to get rid of the bad thoughts in my head?Thanks a bunch!

I'm so sad to hear of your struggle, especially at your young age, but thrilled to hear you are in recovery.

I'd encourage you to join We Bite Back (www.webiteback.com). There is a wonderful forum at that site and many of my readers are now in recovery because of the love, support and encouragement they've received there. Recovered members help those who are struggling.

As well, there is a wonderful blogger, Arielle, whose blog is at http://tearstowords.blogspot.com. She has recovered from her eating disorders and has some great posts relating to what you're going through right now.

I am writing this because I can tell no one but have to tell someone. I'm not anorexic, I don't think i'm bulemic. I don't binge but I do purge, not all the time, it comes and goes. I am a healthy weight. I lost it the right way. Eating healthy and excercising regularly. Everytime I lose weight by purging I just gain back when I stop. I come to your sight from time to to help me not to start purging again when the urge starts to come. I don't know why I do this. I can't stand it. It happened purely by accident. I got my wisdom teeth pulled, was put on loritabs and they made me sick. When I was healed and could start my regular exercise routine again I weighed myself and had lost 6lbs in a week. Then I stopped doing it. For awhile atleast. I got on the computer looking for new excersises and found some pro ana sights. I agreed with some of what I saw,but I can't starve myself, I love food too much. Then I found your websight. I saw the video of the girl whose stomach ruptured. Scared me...bad. The irritional part of my brain tells me that if I don't over eat that won't happen, but I still think of her evrytime I go puke. I'm in a purging state of mind again. Hopefully it will pass soon. I don't want to continue doing this'but I can't help it. Thanks for listening. It feels good to get it off my chest.

i have been in hospital, im due to come out on the 9th march but what nobody knows is that i have a secret i have put on weight now im sooo fat im now 7 stone i get forced to eat by my dad, wen i get out im going to lose some weight by cutting back on my food, i feel discusting and need help if anyone has any advice please help xx

wow! Your blog is amazing! You have changed my view of eating disorders! Suddenly I love my body! I love my fat! I already eat healthy and work out. I don't wanna be a controlfreak! I don't wanna become obsessed with food in any sort of way!

I actually have this blog about my weightloss for the summer. I'm 5.4 and weigh 61 kg. Actually I don't have to loose anything! This whole eating right/eating less/eating healthy-thing has given me a sort of eatingdisorder. Sometimes I binge-eat :(. I don't want to do that anylonger! I hate it and it makes me depressed. I AM normal so why should I change that. People appreciate me and boys love my body. There's no need for people to love me more when they already love me. I want to live life and be happy! That is what I am going to do right now! Right this moment, these seconds!

MEDUSA I DONT THINK I CAN EVER FIND THE WORDS TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS WHEN I FOUND YOUR SITE. I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING ANOREXIA FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS (NOW BULIMIA) I AM A CUTTER AND DUE TO A NERVOUS BREAK DOWN I M ON ZOLOFT FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS.ITS THE MOST INCREDIBLE FEELING TO KNOW THAT SOMEONE CARES AND IS THERE FOR YOU WITH NO JUDGEMENTAL OR OFFENSIVE ATTITUDE.I SUPPOSE EVERYONE YOU KHOW WILL BE PROUD OF YOU BUT I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU TOUCH MY HEART AND SECRET PAIN IN A WAY I COULD NEVER IMAGINE.KEEP UP!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE GREAT, YOU GIVE HOPE AND INSPIRATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Alice, your comment brought me to tears. Thank you SO much for your sweet words.

I am so lucky to have so many wonderful readers, most of whom are battling the hell of EDs, depression, self-injury, etc. and yet, through all their pain and suffering, take the time to write me...like you, Alice.

dear medusa, i want to know your opinion about my situation. In school i was always the tallest one for whole 8 years, and i'm still the tallest in whole school (i'm 14) and i finnaly got sick of it, i mean i can t have a boyfriends because i m taller than them, ok let me tell you about my size i m 177cm tall and my weight is 64kg and for me i think i m medium size but i desperatly want to lose weight cause when i m taller then them and that can t obviously change i can be thinner than them, i mean everybody would like to have a supermodel girl. Also i want to be a model because that enters so many doors in your life, you can travel, have a lot of money, selfconfidence, and everybody loves atractive persons and so much more and only way to reach my dreams is anorexia... i don t want to be sick, depresive and my whole life to be scales, cal, weight but i want to reach 55kg and i want it so badly...and i also think that if i go on a anorexia diet plan that i m strong enough to don t let ana control over me... please anybody..give me an advice

Hi Medusa. I just stumbled upon your wonderful blog and i need to say that you are doing a really great job.

after reading your stuff and this story of a girl with an ED i decided i might need help but feel that i will be laughed at.

I am 5'5 and weigh 8st, i think thats about 113lbs. That is my weight after losing 2st (28lbs) in a short space of time. My parents, sisters, friends have noticed and my eating habbits but i truly, honestly am not sure if that means i need help. I do bruise easily, have gotten pale and obviously worry about what i eat.c Please help me figure out what to do, i dont think i should stop until i reach my goal, its actually 8st but my weight keeps going up and down, i want a steady 8, you know? Im not sure how to do this, i should leave my email? scarletangel818@hotmail.co.uk

P.S. Please don't be too harsh towards me about this its the first time i have EVER trusted myself to tell someone other than my pro ana friends. And im really scared.

Thank you so much, keep up the good work, i hope your book store stays so popular :)

Dear madusaOr whomever else is reading this if you areI'm 13 years oldAnd I have hated the way I look my whole lifeResently I have been looking into anorexia I'm not anorexic and I don't want to beI find the mental and physical aspect of it facinating Your blog is very interesting and I like to read it very muchI'm sure that my patents would murder me if they found that I was reading ED and self harm articles on the Internet.But all the moreI think that you are most likely a great impact and more of a good influence than a bad one Sincerly yours ~Kimberly