The Declaration of Dependence

IN WASHINGTON DC, JANUARY 20, 2009The unanimous Declaration of the Democrat-controlled House of Representatives, the Senate, and the Executive Branch

hen in the course of political expediency it becomes necessary for one party to ignore its country’s Constitution and legal system which hath guided it for 233 years, Gaia and Generation Investment Management require that it declare the causes which impel them to high treason.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all workers can be divided into races, income levels, religions, genders, and so on, to advance Statism; that they possess certain unalienable rights, that among these are health care, food stamps, iPhones, MTV, and a three-bedroom condo within walking distance of a Starbucks —

That to redistribute these rights, Governments are seized by politicians, deriving their powers by the theft of private property and the confiscation of liberty —

That whenever any form of Government becomes destructive of centralized, authoritarian Government, it is the Right of the Democrats to ignore the Constitution or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on the teachings of Marx, of Engels, of Alinsky, of Cloward and of Piven.

Prudence, indeed, would reject our claim to change government for light and transient causes, seeing as how we must reject facts, logic, history and reason to advance our tyrannical measures. Indeed, we rely upon our experience that hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer so long as government cheese and Jersey Shore are freely available to anyone who asks, whether citizen or not.

And when some object, after a long train of abuses and usurpations by we, the callous, unheeding Democrat leadership, it is our right, and it is our duty, to play the race card, to tar them as ‘extremists’ and ‘crackpots’, to use the media to ridicule them, and to create a “Civilian National Security Force” to ensure their ultimate destruction.

Such has been our suffering abuse of these Tea Parties; and such is now the necessity which commands us to eradicate their former Systems of Government. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a receptive media.

– He has refused to allow the vaporization of our Laws including the Constitution, which is no more useful to Democrats than a piece of toilet paper and which, may in fact, be emblematic of witchcraft.

– He has expressed feigned outrage over so-called ‘lawlessness’ by our Department of Justice, which has offered reparations to the New Black Panthers, illegal immigrants, and other workers deserving special treatment.

– He has complained endlessly about our refusal to enforce the borders, which can only strengthen our numbers in subsequent elections with cadres of dependent migrants.

– He has resisted our assignation of Wise Latina Marxists and Socialists to the Highest Court.

– He has rejected our multitude of New Offices, Agencies and Bureaucracies, and all of our swarms of Officers that must harass them to ensure we confiscate as much of their private property as is our just due.

– He has fought our imposition of new Taxes, which must be installed to combat carbon dioxide pollution, light pollution, non-conforming toilet tanks, and sound pollution.

We, therefore, the Democrats of the united States of america, in General Congress and in the Executive, Assembled, appealing to Mighty Gozar the Traveler; We ask that he will come in one of the pre-chosen forms–During the rectification of the Pelosi transjunction, the traveler came as a large and enchanted Mikulski! Then, during the third resolution of the Reid supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Barney! Many Tea Partiers and Free-Marketeers knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Barney that day, I can tell you!

And for the support of this Destruction, with a firm reliance on the Proletariat, we mutually pledge to Gaia our support, unless it interferes with our pursuit of personal wealth, aggregation of power or the acquisition of our third home — this one in the Hamptons.