It is not every day that the Internet—the community with the smallest collective attention span—unites to ignore those suspiciously well-targeted banner ads, work-derailing WebMD searches, gossip binges, and actually very worthwhile VF.com best-dressed slide shows to accomplish something. Today, it was able to do just that by assessing the latest Superman movie, starring Henry Cavill, on a diagnostic spectrum constructed almost entirely of puns relating to the DC Comics hero. The reviews ranged from “Man of SteelDoesn’t Soar” to “Director Zack Snyder’s Updated Superman Saves the Day.”

Because we know that, for the most part, the content of these reviews does not matter—we live in America, and it is our birthright to see Zack Snyder’s $225 million Superman movie during opening weekend so that we can nit-pick it relentlessly on Monday—we’ve compiled their headlines, which show that the Internet has painfully exhausted every imaginable Superman-related play on words.