Started with space relations. exploring making sounds with utter abandon as I am working in the space alone. space warm up became sound and movement, uninhibited in response to space itself.

Set up the space with three pillars and candles. Stood outside the space in no-form waiting for a foundation source.

Red-Form arose as a foundation source and I dropped in. Scared, I stepped out. Red-Form remained and I dropped in again, and submitted to enfleshment. A big red curtain around the space. Rigpa light inside. Pure white. Ended up on my belly, snake like, sort of a variation on the Red Dragon of Power from the week before. This time, it really brought my attention to my guts, my belly… the front space of where the Kundalini snake is coiled. Reminded me, that connecting to that ‘energy’ requires front and back. That I can’t be lazy and disconnected in my low belly, Hara, and still have access to the serpent energy.

…

Then warm-up. Good, but no gong and hard to track time for myself. Also hard to keep energy up and go further without the help of the focus and commitment of other people.

Then worked with a trinity, stimulated by the three pillars…

Head, Heart, Gut arose. Struck me as right. Grounding. Simple. Foundational. Especially as a balance to the rest of this rather challenging and risky work.

Head was a vast open space of from my neck up. A big white orb with masses of symbols zipping around in it. Re-arranging and re-organizing. Vast and a little overwhelming, but big, powerful, magnificent factory for magic… almost like this was the place where great spells and epic poems are authored.

Heart was a cross. Got pinned to the floor in a crucifixion. Got the sense of struggling as Jesus on the cross… then death. big spaciousness. just floating above my body, calm, peaceful… out of body. but floating by. Then Marry Magdalene came to my feet … it was love of Her that brought me to my second coming, it was for Her that I came back. It was my Love for Her that led me to show myself to her first. My Love for her was the reason for my Return.

Guts, a strong sense of my actual guts; like dirt, shit, compost churning machine. I could feel my guts churning and turning… the power in the organ felt like it was radiating and coursing. That’s it… just feeling the energy of the organs in the gut.

No-Form, Non-Directional Jog

Ritual: True God/False God

True God – was very sweet. it was a memory of a friend of mine holding me while I cried. it was a few other very concrete, simple, kind gestures coming from my life.

False God was ravenous eating, laughing sex – power drunk sexing, and a few other vices as it were.

This felt like good prep for ‘God of Acting’ realm later and it proved to be.

Heat Jog

Ritual: Integration of Head/Heart/Gut before entering ‘God of Acting’.

Integration happened quickly and powerfully and went through a few iterations before I felt I had one that wanted to be carried into the ‘god of acting’ realm.

When I stepped in, I got hit with a giant Golden Orb in the middle of the space. I had an immediate sense that this god of acting was Gold in some way. I toned and absorbed it for a bit, then backed out, and had a sense the space of ‘god of acting’ had split in two… ‘real god of acting’ and ‘false god of acting’. I spent some time in the head/heart/gut ‘integration’ space before stepping into the ‘false’ side. I found myself singing, performing in an huge auditorium with a microphone and everyone was projecting or sending me their ‘gold’. I was absorbing, leaching their gold. I was like a vampire of their Golden Nature. I exited, found a new integration gesture and entered ‘real god of acting’ where I found myself singing very simply… but a golden lantern lit in my chest. and a long match, burning in my hand. I was singing and lighting lamps in the chests of others. I was awakening their own gold through my simple act of lighting candle flames.

No—Form.

Ritual: Impersonal No-Form Bath

delicious and far stranger than I’ve ever experienced. I dropped, and was spinning with my eyes closed… but I could see a candle behind me the whole time. I could see it even when my back was to it?!!? Then every sound my body made felt like it didn’t exist… as if I couldn’t have been making that noise because I didn’t exist. Then I sat and looked at the room around me… unbelievable how everything continued, but nothing registered. It was like nothing was happening. I just lay there for a while. then rolled for a bit on the floor, like the ocean floor, then exited into no-form.

The intention of this work is to forward my Muse Relations experiments of the last year by focusing on autonomous and numinous Archetypal or Deity forms particular to the work of an actor. Past research and personal experience has revealed forces such as Dionysus, Ptah, St Genesius, and The Red Lady as some sort of patrons or god’s of acting… from which actor’s perhaps receive their particular powers, but also which actors might actively serve through devotional artistic service, or in relation to whom an actor might discover the sacred context and content of their work. This was my goal, to understand the nature of the ‘craft’ of acting and the forces or archetypal relationships most relevant to fulfillment of the sacred function of the work.

My first solo session, I began very tired, uncertain, and scared to be in the space alone. In order to satisfy those needs, I secured the space many time over, gave myself some caffeine (a CNS stimulant… not ideal), and made the decision to commit to my LAB focus (God of Acting) more fully… to trust myself in this choice: to follow through.

I began with space relations. Giving myself direction was difficult. I did at times talk out loud to myself. Mostly expanding my movement range as I prepared. backwards and sideways motions. lower, middle, and upper space motions.

I began with a prayer circle. I re-entered the space of ‘that which I hold most sacred’ I walked into a wash of red, and a pinwheel of ‘red’ characters were around the space like a red zodiac. I approached the middle, fell on my belly and felt myself transform. I was the ‘red dragon of power’. I turned to ‘protect the light’. Then I stalked the space viciously, hunting for one worthy of the light, and obliterating anyone that dared approach that did not have the valor and strength to conquer me. Anyone who could conquer me was worthy and welcome to the light.

After the physical warm up I worked on a polarity that filled the whole space. Fight/Surrender emerged. I remember in fight I found a shadow boxing experience. I had the distinct sense that I was battling my own shadow, but that it’s nature was actually insubstantial and a false self.

Then I worked in quadrants, starting in the middle of the space: the four quadrants being Personal/Sacred versions of Fight/Surrender.

Personal Fight was hanging myself while holding the other end of the rope in my hands. Personal Fight as Killing Myself.

God of acting realm: mosaic body, exploding tiles, shriveled ash heap, wisdom and surrender of waiting, effortless reconstitution… a sense of allowing a personal Los Angeles meltdown when I move there. Feet in the Air: reborn as star child, feet dancing / walking on the night sky Stars like stepping stones. (walk of fame?) Inversion. Back and Torso on Ground. Heard something this week about being upside plants… that humans, if plants biologically speaking, would have there heads in the dirt. … made me think again of this inversion.

Started today, still 95% of health… sinuses still clogged and running. slight head ache with a certain spectrum of the voice. Still hoping to be 100% at least once by the end of the run on Sunday.

Very low tones and lower body vibrations when I began warming up. Then lots of song and singing. I sensed some quality of ‘journey’ or ‘quest’ as a possible foundation source.

Continuing to work low in the body, giving form to ‘quest’ movements I found something regarding directions NESW and reorienting/redirecting as fundamental to ‘quest’. direction. location. destination.

then I found everyone in the space quite full of voice, singing even. It felt as if ‘song’ and ‘journey’ were coming together in some way.

I wondered what the evening would bring. Something about the lyrical nature of the language perhaps?

I refreshed the words with a strong sense of strange and meaningless play… doing things different, just to be different: in tone, pace, meaning, subtext, etc.

Then a polarity before entering. Send/Receive. Strong womb like movement and breathing on receive. and from above. send was like a thousand arrows, like throwing a flurry of ninja stars.

Then No-Form and Show-Form as I entered:

WHAT I FOUND:

The biggest part of today was my loss of power to a member of the audience. One actor and acting coach I’ve worked with that I really admire. a kind of role model in many ways, in terms of his long and prolific career, the quality of his work, his honesty and humility and simplicity. I’d had a coaching session with him recently where he called me out on my somewhat extreme physical approach as dishonest and asked me to just say the words and think the thoughts. When I heard he was in the audience, I immediately had it in the back of my mind that he was catching all my ‘Bullshit’ and dishonest behavior. I was second guessing myself the whole time. Going back, I would have worked with approval/disapproval as a polarity perhaps… or something to do with Verticality in order to reclaim and own my energy and not be in my head about his perception or evaluation of my work. maybe something like power drain, power gain as a polarity. hmmm….

I felt my voice coming back very powerfully tonight. 95%… missing just a few pieces in the range, and also found that my upper register was much stronger as a result of having to use it during the illness. I’m still not out of the woods in terms of the sickness, but it is lifting. The Yogic quality of this work puts the nails to any habit that blocks the free flow of energy and emotion through the body. If we, as actors, retain the bad habits, then we keep paying the price in spades because our work demand our bodies, emotions, energy, and spirits in order to really happen.

I am purposefully not working in the space, not charging the space with my energy. I lightly played with the energy present in the space tonight, but the focus was instead on finding my own energy… just this slight adjustment in intention and awareness leads me to feel that I’m actually on to an effective strategy. I feel more settled inside. The energy that came up in terms of a foundation was Fun.

Then I moved on to a light physical warm up: all 5 stages in 5 minutes.

Polarity that came up for me was Surrender, Precision… I felt a bit ungrounded, a little shaky with Fun as a foundation source. So I gave myself the polarity of surrender – precision feeling that precision would help stabilize me. In surrender I got to follow through on the impulse to just completely fall back and let go, eyes closed, feet in the air, playful and total feeling of being caught and safe by a bed of God Feathers. Precision was like an Oscar Statue, stiff, upright, legs together, hands holding something in front of me in just such a way.

What I Found on Stage:

I was playing a lot more, having fun, going further with little things I’d had inklings of all along but not dared to try. My depth of breath was not present… and my presence and patience and confidence with the top of scene 3 has never really come to me. I have to say that there weren’t many results tonight. I felt a bit that I was playing too much. One thing I did feel was an ongoing relaxation into just listening, not trying to listen or indicating listening. I was also dropping in an out from time to time. I think perhaps focusing my energy on myself,

Taught this morning. I think actually the teaching is making my work incredibly strong: spending 2.5 hours developing presence, connectivity, and depth of meaning with this small group of 6 led to an increase in my own presence and connectivity.

Also, the voice was maybe at 50% capacity when I started. But as I let myself speak gently, it opened and softened and I ended with a lot of range and presence in my voice. Talking all morning, in this way, was a great asset in building presence, which is always or even primarily a key to this work.

Warm up was very gentle, slow, unforced sounds. Nothing vigorous or beyond reach. Ran all the lines to maintain the integrity of the structure of the play. Then ran a foundation source which became Service.

No-Form before entering Show-Form.

What I Found:

I was present, playful… and finding new fresh moments all over the place. the voice did relax a bit and became perhaps 80% available… but still muted and weak. This continues to force me to relax and find new action of thought.

Actually, I read a review recently that struck me as a negative interpretation of my work. I have had it stuck in my mind… and I think there is something to it. The comment had to do with my need to increase my subtelty and nuance. I happen to agree and could feel it informing my preparation and performance tonight.

So, what do I do with the ‘ritual’ of review reading?? I feel as if I need to find my own truth about the whole experience, rather than necessarily taking people’s word for it…

I was very sick all day. Lost my voice almost to the point of not being able to make any sound last night. worked all day to heal, rest, fast, and slowly work with my body and voice.

I am rather proud of how I managed to slowly, over the course of the whole day, open and relax my vocal mechanism to getting close to 80 or 90% of my vocal range back.

Warming up over the course of 45 minutes I slowly increased range, volume, and physical intensity. never pushing. breathing.

I also chose to not work any sources in the public space, only in small spaces of my own in the lobby before entering. This, I think, may solve the ethical problem of my energy effecting others on stage in a detrimental way. This isn’t a totally satisfying solution, but for now will serve.

I found Alchemy as my foundation and then worked with the polarity of Shit and Gold. Found a few things that are shit and gold in my life and had a feeling that this performance would inevitably be a mix of accepting both. I think I had entered that polarity with some intention around turning all shit to gold, but left with a direct experience that the show would be moments of gold, and moments of shit. That relaxed me somehow.

Overall, the intention was to use the situation as an opportunity of some kind. I found some fresh moments. I found a confidence in my ability to work with such an extreme challenge. I found encouragement from my colleagues on my professionalism in dealing with it. I found new and clarified strategies to deal with such a circumstance. I found also some relax, more honest moments in the work… and I found that I needed to utilize other tools at my disposal in order to take action, because the strength the of the normal pathway was compromised. so, what happens when the voice is weak, what tools can I use to compensate and clarity and strengthen and enliven the performance? these are great explorations to be offered.

Day was restful, playful, sensual, and healing. Still recovering from the cold a bit. Little bit of computer work and time at home. and a short dinner date.

Pulled ‘Strength’ today. Wands. Fixed Fire. Power of the Unconscious.

I arrived in the space and began to warm up. What came to me was “The Fire of Self”. This was the foundation source I began with. It was pretty intense fire that began in my solar plexus and spread through my body and space. Very strong energy.

Then I began to warm up. lots of energy… I felt others in the room catch it and ride the wave as I finished the foundation source.

Warm up, I felt strong, energized, and very much myself. Living my life, in my power.

Went to work on the text and then began warming up for my first entracne. Generated a bit more heat then a polarity. Conscious, Unconscious. Unconscious felt like the vast power of dark matter in the universe. That which we can’t know and don’t know that clearly effects the dynamics of the universe but which can’t really be found… like vast mystery, vast source. Conscious felt like tiny, small, direct moments… pointing movements. In Unconscious I felt unfelt emotions welling up, tears. then I had to move on.

No-Form into Show-Form.

I could feel my presence in my solar plexus. I felt like a heat and strength and sense of self that was strong and present, a place from which I came. a relaxation that came with that. I felt the whole night had a lot of Space to it. Maybe that was the Unconscious… vast spaciousness. I noticed a more settled spacious energy between lines. I also noticed a different level of honest, connection to ‘self’ in the lines… coming from somewhere, not just saying the words.

This was new force let do a connectivity with the audience in many ways, laughter and energy in places that made me feel it was more alive at times… and oddly at other times, more Vast and Spacious.

A few foibles tonight… zipper on Sarah’s dress down at her first entrance (unconscious?). Lost words that I have never done incorrectly? (I attribute this to the force of the unconscious asserting itself … big, unknowable made more present, with all its potentiality and ineffability.)

Soar throat finally started clearing up by days end and appetite returned.

Arrived late, but had 20 mins for warm up.

Started moving in relationship to space, second attention activation.

Then moved into a foundation source which was Inspiration and had a lot to do with literally breathing in, but also brought back a variety of memories.

I then moved into a warm-up cycle which felt strong and rested; connected and energized as a result of resting all day.

Ran lines privately to keep the integrity within the structure of the material.

Then a polarity: Survival/Recovery in the space before entering.

Then No-Form before what I’m now calling Show-Form. Emptying out of everything in No-Form and then sourcing the world of the show directly, thus dropping all other smoke or mirrors, keeping the focus on the most important thing, living the story.

What I Found

Play seemed fresh and inspired moments… felt a bit shaken up, but I was really talking to people and taking people in a lot more than normal. I was breathing in the people around me. also, contact to the energetic and emotional body by using recovery/survival… a strong emotional crux for me.

I arrived tonight with a soar throat, gas, and a drained emotional body. Diet was moderately good recently. coffee, sugar, occasional meat. not fantastic. not peak health. also not sleeping enough and deep in a new relationship that has fierce energy that both invigorates and taxes.

I arrived tonight, not sure where the ‘charge’ would come from.

As I started to warm up I found and ‘Earth Body’ jog and felt myself commit more to the source and thus made a decision to deepen my commitment to the performance and the work.

After the jog I stepped out of the space, no-form along the edge.

This time, asking for a foundation source to be shown that would serve the muse… Truth emerged as my source and got me into the truth of my body, which revealed that it is always ‘anti-cliché’ in that if I am present to the truth, the exact truth of the moment is never the same as any previous one. I found I didn’t have to focus on breaking movement cliché if I just sourced Truth.

Polarity to prepare emerged as ‘earth body / dream body’ and proved fruitful to the work on stage moments later.

focused again on ‘No-Form’ before entering. Close to Self as Void. Very close.

Performance had a constant antennae around telling the truth moment by moment… it was fresh, it was present, listening, and coming from a more relaxed, more honest place. also much more emotionally connected. I really believed much more of what I was saying. My character was convincing even when he was full of shit (full of shit is my judgment about him… much more interesting if I play him with full sincerity and attempt to make it difficult on the audience to write him off completely… that’s the easy path with a character like this.) Make him to complex to write off as anything other than gloriously imperfect human… that’s ideal.

small house, but working on source relations and giving under every circumstance, no matter what, became the focus of The Work.

It’s hard to overcome the cold. Freezing theatre, rainy night, leads to an uncomfortable audience and corpse of a show.

It was dead from the start. I did what I could to revive it, but I am not powerful enough.

I started the night a little heartbroken. I moved the space a little. Big Cup in the space. The whole place was like a cauldron. I stirred it with motions like moving a gondola… I felt soft, relaxed, and my body was open… peaceful, released all through my warm up. No resistance in my system: and no push against life’s Greater Circulation.

I worked a bit with growing heat as I prepared to go on stage and then worked with a trinity… cauldron, water, fire. Not much in the way of results. Felt a bit forced energetically: emotional ravishment from romantic relationship drama seems to have led to ‘power drain.’

Scene 3 we gained a bit of energetic momentum. Four fell flat overall. Five is out of my influence. Ready to head home and focus on my weekend which is full of novelty and challenge.

A cast-mate and I drew Tarot cards today and drew the knight and princes of swords respectively. We agreed they felt spot on.

Upon arriving I was very tired. I warmed up a bit and found myself using many sharp, direct, sword sourced movements. As I continued to work I searched for a foundation source ‘as if’ the muses were watching. I found devotion. I then charged the space, moving devotion in gesture and sound.

I had a sense of using the sword motions to cut clear the debris obscuring the four gateways of space: north, east, south, west. this ‘charging’ processes ended with movements and song that seemed ‘sacrificial’ in nature.

As I continued to warm up I noticed my speech was very sharp. The results of my work with sword movement on stage.

I also worked with a trinity just before entering the stage again. What emerged was: Sword, Devotion, Sacrifice.

Sword was slicing the energy of my head: cutting the clogged mind. Sacrifice was burping and stomach pumping: sacrificing food of pleasure for food appropriate to prepare for performance. Devotion was a big red cloth, swirling in devotion to Red as a Divine Source. This was a surprise, a tad uncomfortable. not sure how I feel about my true devotion: as if I’m made a poor choice in that regard.

What I Found:

I found that the show was very sharp, very clear and the result was a lot more communicative. The audience followed what was new as if being pierced by new information; laughing and following the purpose of the words and little plot adjustments in a way they never have. The play took a large lift tonight at this half way point. Also, I found that each character’s urgent need was amplified by sacrifice as a source. Clarity of thought, cutting through, airy aspects with fire and water… tempering this play one show at a time.

Tonight the moon felt very strong, present... on the way to the theater.

As I warmed up in the space I found Moon energy permeating the space. The full face of the moon was shinning forward towards the audience, the dark side of the moon filled back stage.

After a touch of warm up I did a very short process of a personal trinity before entering the first scene.

What emerged was moon, water, cup. moon was shimmering light on the water. Water I was deep floating ocean water, the enormous rocking of the deep sea. Cup was deep sea canyons, earth as cup, the land that holds all the water. Moon as frontal crescent back bend, receiving the glow from above all down my front side. Then exit to No-Form.

Stayed in No-Form deeply before entering the space at the scene change which I had charged as ‘Ronald Weber’ as a source before entering.

What I found: It was a very emotional night. and watery in that it was a little liquid, a bit loose… it perhaps needed a bit more earth to give the river some banks. Also, I noticed the distinction between the face of the moon and the dark side of the moon prevalent throughout. Each persons masks and deeper emotional truth seemed more charged.

Audience seemed eager, generous, large, energized and willing to enjoy the magic of this liminal hour of dreaming between day and the deep of night.

This play is becoming an ongoing ritual for me about ‘The Work’ and the commitment to what matters… ‘the work’.

I have at times experiences all sorts of issues that my character clearly struggles with… entitlement, arrogance, impatience, power plays, people pleasing, etc.

All of these acts are ‘Power Drains’ and subtract from the energy available in doing ‘The Work’ itself.

Identifying what exactly the ‘Work’ is and keeping the focus on that is a daily ritual of self-observation and purification. The vehicle/vessel of the self can be made strong and available to the ‘Work’.

Tonight, Tuesday night, I arrived with a lot of energy available to work. I did a good job of avoiding the ‘courtship complex’ or pleasing or seducing cast mates into expressing approval for me in some way and instead I put the energy to the work.

As I warmed up, I needed to spend a lot of time getting my legs energized and engaged. I was experiencing a lot of energy, but it was up and a bit scattered from reading and imagining all day. Very little physical effort/exertion led to a lack of ‘grounding’. As I grounded in the legs, I found that a Goat/Devil leg stance as an ongoing useful stance to utterly active that power and root power available in my legs… connecting me solidly to the earth.

I also warmed up with a short polarity. Play/Precision. Precision was legs, earth. Play was more like soft moldable clay than anything else… but again both were in the legs. Vertical was clearly my de facto foundation source as I recall the space above being very apparent as I was warming up my legs. Play in the legs also revealed the brilliance I received from watching Ida Saki the first time… something she did caressing her shins at the end of her dance. For some reason it stuck out with me, that particular movement she did grabbed me, captured me, and hasn’t let me go. so sensual on the front of the shins.

the performances was connected, playful, precise, present, energized but not scattered. my gaze was piercing, my listening was fresh and real. my connection to the words authentic and I found a new layer to falling in love with my character. I am starting to really like Weber. This is a very good sign I think. It struck me how loving every character was my goal… to make each one a real human. that my job is to see, know, and love all people… and to express that in the characters I give life to.

This warms my heart and gives me great energy to continue. Love is a far greater fuel for Art than fear.

The 5-Rhythms dance work this morning was a ritual of ‘romantic love’. I found myself very clearly dancing with my inner divine couple, dancing with Source itself, but at one point my head said, “This is me Dancing Alone”. There was something sad about that… and pointing to a quality of isolation I am experiencing. I have contact with people and socialize, but my deepest self (fears, longing, truth) is hidden from view and inactive.

I arrived at the theatre in a funk. Tired. Sad.

I sang some hymns I know from working with Theatre Dzieci as my warm up.

The show was strange. I sourced ‘the sacred’ throughout. I found myself of kilter, not sure what was happening sometimes.. due to the fact that I was sourcing new energy and being more vulnerable and receptive in the work.

Weber is a desperate, sad, and lonely guy… and even worse off that he covers it over with grandiosity and obtuse people pleasing. He leaks his energy everywhere and demeans himself left and right. and I think ultimately, he and Stu are meant for each other… he’s in danger of being a Stu if he doesn’t have a Scrooge moment or choose a new path.

Listening to the final scene I cried a lot. I love what a voice of ‘truth’ she is and how she fights and is softened by the struggle by the end. And I love that they can both break through all the BS and give their god given gift.

Arriving tonight, after a short nap, bath, salad, and small cup of coffee with cream and sugar… I had a good 20 min warm up.

There was a lull in the energy upon arrival, among the group, as it was the second show of the day after opening mid week.

As I warmed physically and energetically in the space I began by asking myself, what Source do I need, what will be nurturing right now.

X-Factor emerged as my Medicine.

I spend a pretty traditional warm-up cycle doing movements that were highly unrecognizable to me. It generated a lot of energy and novelty.

I find I need to be careful when I do this sort of work, that I intend for it to serve all who are about to work in the space, because X-Factor made one cast mate completely go up on his lines in the first scene… it was unfolding in an unfamiliar way and so his normal pattern was disrupted.

It worried me for a bit, but when I did finally arrive on stage my performance felt vibrant, alive, fresh, daring, and boldly exploring the new.

All day I’ve been struck today how f-ing mysterious this work we do is… I feel drenched recently in the fundamental mystery of the process. What a relief that is… compared to trying to get it right or figure something out.

ONE: Last night, I went to a ‘second-base’ party with a very sexy friend that I love to dance with. It was very challenging and resulted in mixed feelings and being very tired today, but it also was a major act of courage and exploration into working directly with an aspect of my power. The result of dealing with exploring my sexuality and reducing the shame around it led to more confidence, play, vitality, and courage to explore in my performance today.

TWO: Teaching this morning. I spent three hours working with a group of six students on a scene study class. This contributed to physical depletion but also to a heart connection and renewed passion for the work I do.

THREE: My dear friend Steve, who introduced me to and stood by me while working a very deep spiritual program that delved into some very dark aspects of my being, is attending the show. We’ve been estranged lately, and he is a man I deeply love and respect. I’m honored to have him as a guest and I told him I would dedicate the show to him today. I remember an old article I read of Liam Niesen in which he talked about using each performance as a prayer, an offering to someone he cares about. I dedicated this show to Steve, held him in my heart and mind as I performed. It was perhaps my best performance in spite of my physical energy being low relative to what it normally is.

NOTES: In the show itself… I didn’t get much warm up, but because I’ve stayed warm in my living and because I was rushing here, and because I had some coffee with sugar, my energy was already up. I think I was clear, connected, honest, active, and open to discoveries… and occasionally had moments of opening up to the audience and feeling the Greater Circulation of the Space.

When tonight I was describing working with the energy in a space… and how it effects everyone.

It’s like I’m moving the furniture or the set around. It’s that real at one level.

The energy is a real substance. Each of us, and the audience, and the space… and the greater circulation of the Tao (or flux of the Divine All) all bring a contribution to it the energetic quality of the space. Just like the set does. I just try to tune myself into what is already present in me and in the space. Then I attempt to work with it… like doing yoga to open up my hip or breath work to relax my voice. Once I contact the given conditions of energy in the space with a slightly altered perception, then I can serve it and move it to some effect.

Maybe this is interesting way to talk about it for you…

Also… I totally think you are a witch. Maybe for many many life times. But certainly this one. In my opinion, you carry way to much within you than can be explained in this lifetime. That’s one way of looking at it. or maybe it’s just in your blood, your karma… to be an actor at the very least, which has roots in ritual, religion (which means – to re-connect… same thing as Yoga which means union. To unify.) and also has roots in shamanism (medicine men and women). In our DNA, our ancestral roots… our people were mages and witches. They were the ones who did soul work, mediumship…

Funny that our art is referred to as a craft… just like witch ‘craft’. In alchemical and European magickal traditions they talk about the ‘Great Work’… we talk about doing the real ‘Work’. I believe there are a lot of similarities here.

Anyway… you get a black cat whom you think is a reincarnation right before you meet me. Hmmm…. Conincidence? Perhaps.

More and more, the Greater Circulation is doing all the work. I sense and follow. Less and less distinction between personal will and the Greater Movement.

In the warm up, I had the sensation that my body was responsive and receptive enough to begin to respond to the directions before they were offered. Because both Antero and I were working in the same way, attending to the energy already present in the space, and responding to it, we both seemed on to the same Movements.

This work is hard to put into words right now. I also find in my current progression in this work, that I am settling into acceptance of the given circumstances of my life more and more. Antero has always said this would be an side effect of the work, but not till now (four years in) do I really sense how that is happening. Is it No-Form? Direct perception? Surrender and Service? Maybe a bit of all.

I worked with Air as a foundation source. In the warm up I discovered the primacy of my breath in all motions. There was a sense of floating, but also of ease. I had a sensation of smoothness, yet swiftness. I also found the heat cycle to be just about breath of fire; about raising heat simply by pumping the billows of the breath.

A few moments from the work…

I found a monk experience in Power Gain: as the culmination of real power, of practicing to purify the mind of delusions, to learn to be nothing and be Love, no victim, no perpetrator, no rescuer. Just God Communion path as real power: real freedom.

There was a moment that marked a transition in new experience: not just revelation, but by following the energy in Power Loss I found that the power loss of complaint moved into a kind of commitment, a motion of putting a steak in the ground, and I knew it meant that I was committed to being grounded, to being on earth, to not being special or different than anyone else. Being another body on the bus.

In No-Form I worked with adjustments to my rib cage and my hands/wrists. I found the adjustment in no-form of the ribs carried over into the work. In Power Loss I found that my puffed up ribs were a kind of Superman. The Power Loss of pretending to be invinciable and super human… since it is a lie. Also, with the same rib cage expansion I found the Power Loss of being a Tyrant. I realized as an Egyptian Tyrant how much energy it took and how uncomfortable it was to try to control everyone all the time. This is a circumstance in my own life. I am often exhausted by trying to control everything in my life; be a tyrant over my own life. It’s terrible. It’s significant Power Loss.

Power Loss of groveling and waving to people… smiling and masturbating.

Hearts Desire: Tonglen, Blanket of Peace offered, City of Gold – Sanctification of Holy Wood. - Heart’s Desire as ‘To do the Impossible, to Transcend, to Create’.

Monk as Power Gain: cultivating true power free of victim/prosecuter/rescuer

Power Loss as The Drama of Too Much

Power Loss as Entitlement into Commitment

Power Gain as Shadow Work: Being Willing to Dig Around and Be With My Own Junk – Major Source of Reclaiming Power.

Slow Motion Sword – beheading as Power Gain? (am I reading that right?)

White Buck Self

Hearts Desire as Reaching for my Star as HGA.

thrown back to the personal space (what was it about?) … Soldier March… ‘be a good solider, do what you’re told, learn to follow marching orders’. … and then it turned into a slow walk, a zen walk… breathe (air) is every step. WOW!

Air as Space/ Flotation

Bright light toes

Power Gain as Looking up to a buddha… spinal curl. circling it back around in my own being. Oriborus.

I don’t recall how we began the night. Movement into Space Relations. For the first time, I realized that like the body, attention to Space brings one into ‘present time’. Space is what is happening.

We started by choosing a foundation source as one of the four elements. At first I assumed it would be air or water… to elements that are ‘not me’ and I often need to balance my overly fixed earth and my burn out ‘fire’. but what I actually needed turned out to be ‘fire’. it is not what I would have chosen, makes for a night of very hard physical work.

Fire was licking flames, dancing flames up the sides of trees, and radiating hot coals. slow steady massive heat of hot coals from the core of a log burned almost to nothing… this was the ability to generate heat without even moving. fire as dancing rapidly through forest landscapes. the ripping, roaring, tear of a fire on the move. I realized something about needing to let myself move, dance, and rip through my current situations… needing speed and heat to overcome obstacles.

Fire informed warm up was intense.

Then, facing south, we moved into a group polarity ritual of Force of Will/Force of Habit.

Force of Will was a sword, cutting obstacles but also landing a point or blow. it was effortful. putting a steak in the ground; commitment. having a steak driven through me by God, being grounded and pinned by Divine Will. maybe relevant to landing in Los Angeles recently and feeling my feat are to the fire of my ‘calling’. but also Spine and Verticality as the Spike of Divine Will.

Force of Habit: service to Habit seemed to bring up complaining, whining. Complaint as Serving the Momentum of Bad Habit. As I got closer to the essence of Habit, I found movements that first narrowed sight, like horse blinders, and then cut off sight all together. there was a lack of searching as I narrowed and committed to a force of habit. stopped being able to see other options; for good or ill. it was a kind of loss of ‘creative response’ in that regard.

Serving Force of Will became a movement of serving Will. Kneeling in prayer, receiving a gift, offering a sacrifice. over and over and over.

Serving Fire brought up a high consciousness of the spine, it’s openness and availability.

Ritual: Force of Habit/Will and Realm of Death

Upon entering the first zone, charged with the co-presence of Will and Habit, I found them at odds: opponents. Having great struggle within me. Trying to use my will to control my bad habits. I couldn’t enter Death in this state as the intention was set to find Will and Habit as allies before entering death. I eventually found a force of will that turned me towards divine will as an ongoing habit. I just kept turning to God and turning to God and it lead me, like Christ, into the realm of death. but as Christ I could feel how arriving face to face with death as a result of following habit or uniting with the Will of the Divine, was not a perturbing experience. I entered the realm of death, was strung up on a cross and died but didn’t die, for I and the Father were One and the Father is an Ever-present, non-personal being. Is the substance of all things and is unperturbed by the coming and going of any form. This I think was the moment of profound quiet and spaciousness that the group dropped into. This is what I recall most, though I did have other experiences.

I also left with a sense of death, habit, and will being a kind of philosophers stone. willing something into form, the formation and continuation of that pattern, and then the death and dissolution of that pattern. over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…

Nice to be in this lab to watch a lab session focused on initiating beginners into the work. I’ve never seen such a thing before.

Warm up was strong. Seems a very committed and physically capable group!

We worked with ‘verticality’ rather than a personal polarity. This was good. Can’t remember the last time I focused on Verticality as a source in a foundational ritual. Nice to remember that this is a building block, a foundation.

Other recollection from the night…

That which is killing me/That which is giving me life

This was a great one. I got a sense of affirmation from a few things that were serving me and I had been questioning. a relationship with lots of laughter and caring. and also my new home, full of plants and sunshine as serving me, nurturing me.

and

Self/Not-Self:

This one surprised me quite a bit. I realized I’m playing the clown and the fool quite a bit in my life. I think I’m being a hero or a warrior… but I discovered that I was just mocking myself with that behavior. That in fact I was playing the clown with my suffering far more than I had been aware. This was a major shift in self-perception. A surprise. Almost to the point of shocked and unsure who I really was… shaken at some root self identity. Still working on unpacking and integration of this info.

Additional, unedited notes

# 5

Wandering Technique

Foundation Source: Aether

Warm up – was new, vital, energized

Polarity: Resistence/Non-Resistance

Resistance as weights, as resistence training to make me stronger

Non- resistance as rest, sleep, also as surrender and prayer

Resistance to body toxins – immunity

Resistance as traction

Non-resistance as laziness

Sleep/Dream/Wake/ Resistance

Impersonal Ritual Discovery – Ritual movements

Sleep/Dream/Wake/Resistance

Sleep:

Dream: Worm – inching towards a future

Wake: to be beautiful, butterfly emergence, to play,

Resistance: to crack, Boundaries and know that resistance made the whole journey possible

Head/Heart/Gut

Somatic questions: who am I now? I am a head, spinning

Why am I here?

Where am I going? I am going to the floor. Inverted head in ground.

Rises: Play in Rises

Water: Flow, Gravity, Continuation

Gap between my Earth as my Reality and Dream as my Fantasy/Delusion

Muse as removal of false dreams – personal dreams – loss of fantasy dillusion – dream as state of delusion

Sustaining Care: Jesus, carrying me rather than deathbed from college work

Water: flow, continuing flow

Earth body: as lump of flesh, healthy and alive

Dream body – loss of sera, red emperor dream

Water as Curves – the belly, water in joints

Commitment: what was it?

LAB #7

Love/Resistance/Love

Resistence as differentiation / destruction/ form

Traction

Pressure – to a diamond

Pressure – crucifiction as pinned down, as a way to create a diamond

Coal/Diamond

Art as Foundation Source: or God of Art

Firebired – Chalice as a womb, cauldron... as a planet

Chalice – planet as a churning creature, fecund, a creative explosion

Also, chalice as the womb of ‘giving birth’ to arts – thinking about mothering my creativity