Thursday, September 13, 2012

55 - spray paint on the cafe bricks & shiva' in the wind

a chunk of wood,
carved crane, by riverbank,
layers paint, one on another
in texture

patchwork

guitar case in the seat
next over, invites us to play
soiled jeans & t-shirt

unstressed

rhythm & blues
pearl bright
sidewalk-ed

lifeThis one is actually from my time with Steve E, while he was staying with me on his trip. Pretty cool man we met out one day .A story in 55 words, for my friend g-man.Over at dVerse, we are writing sonnets...below you will find my attempts...cringe, cringe...similar except the ending...and in millermeter oh well...smiles.

I admit I didn't read the whole poem ... stopped dead in the "Guitar" section ... I haven't played in over 20 years ... ever since my youngest daughter died ... (don't feel sorry for me, eh?) I gave a few lwssons and played a few concerts ... but it's not the same and I'm okay with that) ... I put a Northern Lights video in blogger though ... just for you, B ... kisses to your little tikes and be well, eh? Love, cat.

The other one is really rather deep for me but I love your first sentence and you last stanza. You ROCK this!!! Hey, just so you know...have you bought insurance for all your awesome work here, Brian? You should! Mine is hereHave you an AWESOME WEEKEND!hugsshakira

I love both of your attempts at the sonnets. I agree, they are too brutal for me and my non focused brain. As the day wears on my focus is gone...lol I began reading Gay's break down on the 'rules' and got lost halfway through the do's and don't of it all and left off to play with my new (second hand) Blackberry phone and learn how to use it. haha.Your sonnets may not be perfect but, are lovely Brian. The language is soft, right and apt. Well done for having a go!

I am glad for the piece with Steve! and I love the sonnet attempts-" behind ribs unbending cage" is MARVELOUS ! -Seems the first endingis more committed yet I enjoy therefrain of not leaving too; because it echo's a strumming- :)

smiles..your milllermeter works really well in those sonnets ya know...smiles..love the images..but it's not the images that stand in the forefront for me here but the mood you create with them..love both of the closures maybe the one with i'm not leaving, i'm not leaving here a bit more as there is so much passion in it as it feels like from the depth of the heart..nicely done sir miller...smiles

You give so much!First the four part creativity poem: Yes indeed. Patchwork rocks. The work of our hands is God's work--carving, playing music, gesturing, using our digits. Unstressed Life! Ant returns.

Second the two sonnets--with two different punctuation choices and different couplets: Even denser writing than normal, but sonnets force that discipline as we cut words and rearrange and read aloud to ourselves over and over.

What death/change comes at midnight that the narrator and tree (narrator tree) beweep!? It is the harvest and the grain and Persephone and so we sit shiva with Demeter--I like both versions. The first gives the passionate end, but we know if we wait, spring will return. The second, although it gives the image of finger-counting feels both more rational, and more final.

I don't know what is more difficult: writing a sonnet or technically commenting on others! Discussing your work, for me, always seems like a student critically analyzing a master. You have already taken your poetry to a place that surpasses what form initially means to do, and you have achieved a unique way of fusing your voice, your spirit, and your way of writing that makes your poetry distinctively your own.

I think that makes moot a discussion of rhythm, word choice, and meter although I believe you adapted as well to it as you could while staying true to your inner voice. What resulted from it is really dense poetry, layering in the extreme which shows the time and effort you took with this poem (the sonnets here).

I think I prefer the final version ion because it intensifies the emotion. This is love song but one of life itself, of beauty, of the call of vitality to the writer. So the technique you laid under the script creates the landscape and it's there - the ten syllable lines, the Shakespearean quatrains and couplet, a turn in the last quatrain and a surprise in the last couplet in both versions.

I still think I may not be competent enough to discuss your work! Excellent as always.

Brian, I loved the first poem, how you take us and plunk us down in that place, taste-smell, see what is going down.Your sonnets are lovely, too-no cringing--and really enjoyed the "millermeter" comment :-)

Sonnets... glad D'Verse did them eventually... I couldn't take that one in the end... nicely turned out English sonnet (despite the Millermeter hehe). You missed a syllable in the last line of the first version.. if you put 'my' in front of 'dear' it would be all iambic... :))