FRESNO, CA — By the time you finish this column you will be able to destroy huge buildings, kill hundreds of people in a few minutes, and strike terror into your enemies. And all you need is stuff that I guarantee you already have around the house.

Sound too good to be true? Well, hold on to your hard-ons, because there's more! This weapon is so impossible to trace that well-trained terrorists all over the world use it to clean up evidence after an operation.

When you realize its potential, you'll wonder why more irregular armies aren't using it already. If you're me, you'll wonder why you haven't done it yourself.

I got the idea watching Malibu burn. Oh, man, that was the best day off I've had in years. Regular porn doesn't do much for me, but those clips of "heartbroken house owners" sobbing—man, I was just about creaming in my expand-o-waist black slacks. And talk about guilt-free porn! There's no downside to watching movie producers' mansions turn into toxic smoke. Don't tell me I'm the only Inland Californian who laughed his head off at those follow-up pictures of the Prez hugging teary-eyed billionaires. They all looked like my bank manager. I can't think of anybody whose houses I'd like to see burned up more, and I wouldn't mind if their precious purse dogs happened to get forgotten in the big BMW bug-out once the flames made it past those "This Property Protected by....oooh owww hot!" signs. Those properties were protected by zip, nada, a whole lotta nuthin'. You can't scare a fire, you can't shoot it. The Mongols and Wehrmacht combined would have to run from a good ol' SoCal brushfire. That's a weapon, baby.

And there's Bush streaking cross-continent on Air Force One to hug the "victims," with his aides hissing into the ear unit: "Psst! Do 'compassion'! Squirt some tears, dammit!"

Some websites are already saying what went through my head the second I saw those flames: somebody got smart and stopped playing with bombs and went back to basics, back to what works. Mighta been al Quaeda, but might just as well have been some nut who got fired for not showering because God told him not to. Lotta what they call "agendas" out there. Lotta Bic lighters too. Which means about half the population of this nuthouse qualifies as a suspect.

That's the beauty of fire: anybody can do it. Actually that's just one of about a dozen advantages that arson has over bombs. Let's run 'em down, info-mercial style, Bomb vs. Arson:

Bomb: very tricky to make; easy to score an "own goal" (blow yourself up learning the trade); requires a detonator, very tightly controlled—"not sold at any store" as they say on those sad Oldies Compilation ads; requires electrical expertise, the one thing even most handyman types can't handle; leaves traces on bomber's hands, clothes and car; often fails to work; takes a truckload of fertilizer to bring down big buildings; can't spread beyond immediate target area.

In an infomercial, this is where Christie Brinkley pops up to say, "Gosh Chuck, that sounds way too complicated for me! Isn't there an easier way for me to lay waste to an enemy city with no risk or obligation?"

And the MC, some unemployed alkie who used to be on Days of Our Lives, says, "There sure is, Christie! Just look at all the advantages you get with our Arson package:

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday EditorialThe future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic CopsAutomotive SectionWe’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible JourneyFeature Story By The eXileGood Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters[SIC!]Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through TimeClub Review By Dmitriy BabooshkaeXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight SpinBardak Calendar By Jared LindquistJared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters[SIC!]Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst PollutersAmerica By Eileen JonesEverybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...