“Amish Mafia” episode review: Fall From Grace

Here we are, back in scenic rainy Lancaster County, Pa., for this week’s episode of the Discovery Channel’s new TV show “Amish Mafia.” It’s rainy, it’s cold, and for the first time since I started regularly reviewing episodes of “American Dreams” a decade ago, I’m going to provide a television review on the Internet.

For those of you who haven’t caught up yet, “Amish Mafia” is a pseudo-reality television series which purports that there are Amish and Mennonites that enforce laws and protect the Amish citizenry in Lancaster County from being cheated and swindled by the modern “English” or from Amish who have strayed from the path of righteousness and piety. It’s like the Anabaptists met the Sopranos, with a hint of Sharia law for good measure.

Recap. One of “Lebanon Levi’” Stolzfus’s footsoldiers, John, has been trying to move up the ranks of Levi’s gang, but has done more stumbling than rising. John is already in debt to Merlin, an Amish from Holmes County, Ohio who is trying to move into Lancaster County and take over Levi’s turf. And an attempt by John to throw an alcohol-fueled “hut party” without Levi’s knowledge (because Levi would want a cut of the profits from the hut party) turns disastrous when some Amish teenagers who are packing some “liquid courage” start breaking things. And by “breaking things,” I mean they’re breaking Levi’s things.

Levi figures all this out (of course he does, he watches the Discovery Channel like all of us) and he chastises John for operating outside of Levi’s rules. So right now John owes Levi and John owes Merlin. Good thing John doesn’t owe the cell phone company, cause that cell phone starts ringing and guess what – it’s Merlin. He wants John to help take down Lebanon Levi and move all the action over to Merlin’s organization. And to do that – he wants to set up a buggy race.

A buggy race? What is this, the Amish equivalent of Ben-Hur?

Of course, John doesn’t want Levi finding out anything about this clandestine buggy race. So John gets his sister Esther to take Levi out of town – maybe to a beach somewhere – and keep him entertained until the buggy race is over.

I should note that Levi has the warmy-warms for Esther, and it seems like the minute she says “Let’s go to the beach tomorrow,” Levi’s suddenly in an “aw golly gee whiz that’s nifty neato babe” mood. Of course, Levi knows something’s going down behind his back with John, but you know, maybe Levi’s been perusing some Beverly Lewis “bonnet books” and thinking, “Hey, maybe Esther’s got some unrequited love for me, so maybe me and Little Levi can explore this possibility… hmm… mmmm…..”

So Levi takes Esther to Florida – no, they didn’t ride a horse and buggy all the way down I-95, they actually got in a plane and flew. Meanwhile, back in Pennsylvania, Levi’s right-hand man, the soft-spoken Alvin, is trying to take care of all the business Levi left behind. You know, the simple stuff like what to do about the woman who hangs her undergarments on the outside clotheslines, or the neighbor kids who vandalize the mailboxes and break some eggs. And on short notice, Alvin does some “subcontractor” work and finds “Big Steve,” an Amish man who uses a machete to cut wheat and corn in the fields. Read what I just typed there. An Amish with a machete. With a freakin’ machete. So that’s where Danny Trejo lives inbetween filming movies. I never knew! Mind blown!

Meanwhile, there’s a buggy arriving from Holmes County, and it’s carrying Merlin and his gang of Buckeye Amish Mafioso. There’s Vernon, an expert in pitchfork throwing. There’s Wayne, who’s not afraid to chop up a roadside fruit stand or three. Trust me. There’s a storm a’brewin’ near the towns of Intercourse and Virginville. And yes, those are actual towns in Lancaster County. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

And we’re back in Florida. I’ll say this about Esther. She’s turning on some serious sexy charm when she’s not dressed in that plain frock and headscarf. Esther in a bikini, with her hair and makeup done… my my my… I can see why Levi’s smitten with that Amish kitten. Until Esther drops a bombshell reveal on Levi, right in the middle of a romantic dinner on the Sarasota shore… wait a second, am I watching “Amish Mafia” or is this an episode of “The Bachelorette”?

Anyhow, Esther reveals that she has two kids, and that she was raped and impregnated by an Amish man when she was 14. This reveal, combined with what she tells Levi as her inherent distaste for men because of this, causes Levi to walk away from the dinner table and reflect in thought. Of course, this is a man who is more upset about getting a parking ticket for his car than his concern for Esther’s well-being. Classy, Levi.

And this moment completely soured me. Didn’t we have a moment like this on the last Amishsploitation show, “Breaking Amish,” earlier this year? This was an important moment, and it was treated like a simple “reveal” moment on a Reality TV drama. Urgh. For shame.

It’s morning in Lancaster County, and it’s time for the buggy race. It’s a two-heat elimination race, and John of course wins the first heat. Now he’s in the finals, and just before the start of the raced, who pulls up to see what’s going on – it’s a Mercedes and a Chevy Tahoe, which means that Alvin and Jolin and Machete Steve have arrived on the scene. And they’re not very happy about what they see. John’s operating a clandestine buggy race, and Merlin’s crew are collecting all the bets and raking in the money.

And what happens? John loses the race by half a length. I don’t know John’s last name, but based on his racing abilities, it ain’t Force. And after getting a verbal chewing-out from Merlin, John watches as his buggy is completely destroyed by Alvin, Jolin and Machete Steve. Great, John. I’m thinking you may have surpassed Chumlee from Pawn Stars as the dumbest, most clueless person on reality TV. You’re already knee-deep, and now you get a shovel and keep on digging.

And just wait until Levi finds out.

Oh wait. Levi just FOUND out.

So Levi and Alvin have a heart-to-heart chat at a local Lancaster tavern about the situation with John, and while they’re sipping their drinks, who should come around but Merlin’s hatchet-man Wayne. And Lil’ Wayne (no, not THAT Lil’ Wayne) takes that hatchet to the windshield of Levi’s Cadillac. And after smashing in the windows of the car, Wayne leaves a business card for Levi to find. A business card with the name “Merlin” on it. Surprisingly, the card did not contain a black chess knight piece, or we’d be watching an entirely different television show.

And… closing credits.

Okay, as far as I’m concerned, this show stopped being a “Reality TV” series about five minutes into its premiere episode. This is a scripted drama, plain and simple. They use the “interview the characters” format, but then again so does The Office. This is scripted drama, and the only thing that makes it different than any other scripted drama is that the actors they’ve got playing the characters on this show can speak Pennsylvania Dutch almost on command. We’ve got an Amish turf war going on between Levi and Merlin, almost to the level of the Jets and the Sharks fighting over turf in New York City. We’ve got people within the Amish community who are passive and passive – until something happens, and then they’re taking hatchets and machetes to solve their problems and work out their centuries of pent-up frustration. And we’ve got Esther giving a reveal that had a chance to show another sad part of Amish subculture – the undisclosed cases of child rape and incest – and it was just left there as a hanging plotline, a dangling participle in a scripted scene at a beachside dinner table that looked like a bad dating show romantic scene.