Archives for December 2014

About a week ago in my journal, I was writing out some prayers for each of my kids concerning our family. When I got to Jac0b, I prayed for more trust, more love and more bonding. Specifically, that he would begin finding ownership in our relationships and our environment. No longer would we be just parents, but his parents. And no longer would it be the house, but our house; no longer the pool, but my pool. I really couldn’t explain why, but I just knew I wanted to be able to hear that he felt like we were his.

Looking back, just a week later, I can relate it to a few things. Like, how you felt about your first car. You’re no longer getting in the car, it’s my car. And that means you make rules about it (no food in my car!), you’re the one responsible for watching the gas gauge (time to get gas again?!), you’re the one that washes it. I remember one of Scott’s first trucks he faithfully washed and waxed every Saturday. It was his truck. He owned it and loved it.

Or, do you remember the first time you got a boyfriend and he called you “my girlfriend”? Swoon. Or when you got engaged and for the first time you said “my fiance” instead of my boyfriend? Or even, when you first got married and said, “my husband?” So weird, right?! There’s something sacred about naming these things in our lives. It shows a special bond, a special type of ownership to the relationship like none other.

And I so wanted that for Jac0b. I wanted all of us and all the things we consider ours, to be his.

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The other day his friend from down the street knocked on our door after school for Jac0b to come outside and play, but he couldn’t so I whispered behind the door that I was leaving soon and he couldn’t go out. So, Jac0b told his friend, “I can’t come out because my mom is leaving in a few minutes.”

And there it was, the phrase I had not yet heard and just prayed to hear just days before, “my mom.” I still grin even typing it. I love that out of all the possible ones, I heard ownership of our relationship first.

I’m very sure he’s said it before at school and I know others have referred to me as his mom even in front of me. But that was the first time I had heard him say “my mom” to someone else in front of me.

I’m not really sure if he had any other choice of what to call me in the moment. He couldn’t have said, “the mother in the house is leaving and I can’t come out,” or even “Amy is leaving so I can’t.” I’m not really sure if there was a choice, but even so, just hearing it phrased like that was something special to me.

In the past months, that phrase “my mom” has been spoken to me many times from him, but always about his birth mother and always in a negative way. Like, “MY MOM always let me do what I want” or “MY REAL MOM taught me to tie my shoes.” Really, I cannot blame him in the least bit for these feelings, but also, it stung a bit too. So, it was such a gift to hear him refer to me with these specific words.

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Today, I was reading the Advent entry from The Greatest Gift and Ann Voskamp was focusing on the Ten Commandments and how they are an invitation to relationship with God and with others. She says:

God knows we wander, and He woos again and again, all through the commandments: “I am the Lord Your God, the Lord Your God, the Lord Your God.” You are mine. Make Me Yours. Am I Yours?

And I realized that this desire for this ownership is an invitation to a loving relationship. I’m desiring it with Jac0b and it’s a picture of what God is desiring with me and with you. He doesn’t want to just be a god, He wants to be my God. He doesn’t just want to be a Messiah, He wants to be my Savior. He doesn’t want me to talk about heaven, but my heavenly home.

I was challenged to take some ownership in my relationship with God today. How do I speak about Him to others? How do I think about Heaven, the kingdom, the body of Christ? Do I take ownership of it? Is it mine?

It is and I’ve been wooed today into claiming it for what it is. He’s my God, my Savior come to love and save me and I’m looking forward to my heavenly home.

It’s so funny as the weeks go by, when I look back, I can see where I’m riding a rollercoaster of emotions. It’s a cross between that and a game of whack-a-mole. Some issue pops up–it’s like we hop on the ride. We go up, up, up where the issue gets worse and worse and my emotions get worse and worse. Then, we find a way to resolve it, and down we go until that issue is over and we hop off the ride until new something new pops up.

Last week’s issue was Jac0b’s ADHD diagnosis. I haven’t talked a lot about this here on the blog. Some because of his privacy issues and some because I don’t feel like after 4 months I’m any expert. But, what I realized at the end of last week is that after sifting through all of our issues for 4 months (yesterday was the exact day!) that ADHD is the main issue we continue to deal with. And that means we will likely continue to deal with this for years to come. And that thought totally overwhelmed me.

When we adopted, I was fully prepared (ok, as much as possible) to deal with adoption transition issues. I didn’t actually know what that looked like, but I knew it would be a bumpy road to integrate a new person into the family. But, at some point, we would adjust and move on. What I didn’t expect was an ongoing medical issue that we would need to deal with for years to come. They told us he had ADHD before we adopted him–he was diagnosed at a very young age–but in my ignorance about ADHD and exuburance to adopt, it was nothing more than a footnote. Oh, ADHD, no big deal! Scott has ADHD and we will manage fine.

I’ve come to realize that a child with ADHD is much different than an adult with ADHD and the effects of ADHD on family life is quite remarkable.

I feel like I’ve been baptized in the ADHD world these past months. I’ve done more learning on ADHD than any adoption issue we’ve had. I don’t know everything, but I have learned.

For those that aren’t aware, ADHD is just what it says–an attention disorder. It’s not that a person with ADHD can’t concentrate; in fact, they can concentrate very well when they want to, it’s just that the concentration is never consistent. Here are some other ways ADHD has been impacting us:

Argumentativeness. People with ADHD often like to argue (I’m generalizing here). Their brains enjoy the stimulation and will often become addicted to arguing and will pick a fight just to start an argument. This has been by far the biggest impact to our family. The arguments have been about the silliest things and will escalate when they really shouldn’t. And when you have two people in your family with ADHD and another with a need to be always be right, well, you can imagine some of the “discussions” around here. As a person that hates confrontation, even if I’m not a part of it, it stresses me to no end.

Impulsivity. Impulsivity is a hallmark symptom of ADHD and it affects all environments. People with ADHD will often do what they want to do when they want to do it without thought to consequence. This has caused all sorts of issues both at home and school. He’s going to say whatever he things, hit whatever he wants and throw whatever he wants to throw, whenever he wants to do it. There’s also problems with waiting turns and delaying responses which is FUN with 3 kids.

Inattention. They’re easily distracted from the task at hand and when you’re trying to integrate someone into your family and learn morning routines, etc, it’s hard when the dog walks by or a phone rings–it can throw everything into sorts. Forgetfulness is also an issue here. It’s difficult (read: impossible) to give out a list of things to do and see it done. Almost everything gets lost. Tasks are forgotten. So much attention goes to getting him to pay attention.

All of this adds up to another 8 layers of difficulty in integrating a person into your family. Anyone with kids with ADHD knows it’s hard work. Bless you, friends. I really didn’t understand the struggle.

And so, at the end of last week, when I realized that a lot of our issues are not rooted in adoption transition issues at this point, but ADHD issues, I guess in a way I had to go through a bit of grieving process. And that sounds terrible, like I was regretting adopting Jac0b and that’s not what I mean at all. I think what it means is that I had to recognize what our true issues were and then come to terms with it–I had to get fed up and angry over it and then accept that that is just part of him and that’s ok.

But, you know. God is so good. Truly. I got to the end of my rope on this on Saturday. And then Sunday’s Advent reading was about Abraham and Isaac and how he provided the ram for the sacrifice. God is Provider. God just washed over me the comforting knowledge that he would help us through this.

The truth is I am not capable of handling it. I do not have enough love, enough compassion, enough patience to parent Jac0b, or any of my children. But God can supernaturally give me those qualities and guide us to the knowledge we need on how to cope, and even thrive, with ADHD.

Even Saturday night I “happen” to start a conversation at a Christmas party with a couple who are essential oil folks and we were able to chat about some success stories about oils for kids with ADHD. It’s little things like that where I know God is providing answers for us. Not all at once, but like stepping stones.

Parenting is a hard gig no matter what, but God is greater and can provide all our needs.

Those of you familiar with ADHD, I’d love to know about any resources, occupational therapy, supplements, oils–anything–that have worked for you. Talk to me!

I started Ann Voskamp’s Advent study The Greatest Gift last night. The verse is centered around the prophecy about Jesus which says he’s like a new branch growing out of the stump of David. From what they thought was dead, a Savior was born.

She encourages the reader to look for the small to find God:

Just where you are, look for the small glimpses of God-glory breaking in, breaking out, sprouting, shooting, unfurling, bearing fruit, making a Kingdom, remaking the world. Slow and still. And see the shoot that bears witness to God – the hardly noticed child, the hymn hummed over the sink, the unassuming woman bent at the register, the dog-eared Word of God beckoning from the shelf. Gaze on shoots of glory to grow deep roots in God.

The passage reminded me so much of yesterday’s post—finding hope in the small moments with our family.

And then I got to the devotional section that I filled out during last Advent season. The first question asks “In what ways do you feel like a lifeless stump, longing for a tender shoot of hope?” I scratched down a few things and then in a one word sentence, simply wrote “Adoption.”

I was discouraged last year about the adoption. I had gotten to the point where you just wonder if you’d heard God wrong or maybe it was time to give up. Maybe God had changed his mind or we’d missed the boat somewhere. It did feel like a lifeless stump.

And then in the last question, it asks, “Where can you see new life coming in what you may have considered dead?”

My one strand of hope was an adoptive mom I had recently talked to who circumvented social services and had adopted privately. I wondered if this was our bit of hope, maybe there was another way for us.

Oh, how little did I know!

Not only was the stump not dead, but our new branch was found through DSS—the exact way I thought might be really, really dead.

And now I read those words I wrote last year and think oh my gosh, He did it. He really, really did it. Our new branch has burst forth from that lifeless stump. So much hope everywhere!

And in this particular Christmas season, I’m so overtaken with the hope of Christ. How much the Israelites must have felt like that dead stump too. A promised Savior not to be found. And then Mary and an angel and Joseph and a stable and I wonder if some of them thought too He did it! He really, really did it!

And it makes me think, man, if he can do this, he can do anything!

His power and omnipotence feel more real than it ever has.

So many of us still would still write so many things under the lifeless stump column—things or people we don’t think have any hope . I still have a few from last Advent season that still feel like a lifeless stump.

But I was so encouraged today. He knows them! Every single one. He’s working them out in his own time. It may not turn out how we envisioned, or in our timing, but you do not have an absent Father. When you’re following Him, He leads you down the right path, straight to the sprout He has promised.

Oh, how I am thankful for both of my sprouts this year, my Savior and my son.

I’ve hinted at it a bit in the last few posts, but the past few weeks has had some difficult moments. Some time in October we felt like we’d hit a breaking point and things were on the upswing. But then, it seems that we began trekking through another difficult time. I heard that this is normal–to rotate through peaks and valleys during transition.

Jac0b’s teachers felt like he was “off”, Jac0b and Lexi started butting heads again, even Scott and I weren’t getting along. Last Monday Lexi “ran away” to our side yard. I had to have a “pep talk” with her, as she calls them. Once we signed the final adoption papers at the beginning of November and then got our court date, it seems Satan went on the attack again trying to cause strife in our family.

But then this weekend.

This long holiday weekend was exactly what we needed.

On Thursday for Thanksgiving, we ate lunch and dinner with our families in town. I was sitting at dinner and thinking back to one of our first dinners at my parents’ after we got Jac0b and realizing how much better I knew him. I knew which dishes on the table he would eat and which he wouldn’t. I had an idea of how much food he could eat. I could tell how far to push with him and knew when Scott’s banter was too much. I wasn’t just so entirely grateful that last year he wasn’t at our table and this year he was, but that these 4 months of hard work were paying off. We know each other so much better now.

And then, as we were eating, I noticed that Lexi and Jac0b were unnecessarily shoulder to shoulder eating their dinner. In fact, the entire weekend all 3 kids spent the weekend playing nice with each other.

Jac0b hasn’t gotten an “X” on his behavior chart in nearly a week. In fact, somewhere on Friday he said, “Why isn’t there anything on any of these days?” He was working so hard this weekend to get more and more checkmarks (we give for sharing, going the extra mile, compliments, etc).

He told me Friday night while I was putting him to bed that he was excited to go to court (17 days!). I was ecstatic because it’s the first time he’s indicated to me he was happy about it. I mean, I knew it meant a lot to him, but he hasn’t expressed downright excitement about it. He told us he wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese on the court date to celebrate and he said he was excited to go there too. I asked him which he was more excited about and he said, “Court.” Melt my heart!

I can tell our relationship is making progress too because he’s started to connect me with good things.

He found that I had picked out his favorite ice cream in the freezer and I heard him in the kitchen say, “Lexi, Mommy has mint ice cream!” I love that he attributed it to me. He’s learning that I pay attention and give him good things.

When he was doing his DORE exercises and got a good assessment on that round, he made a point to come in the other room where I was and say, “Mommy, I got all easy on my exercises today.” He was playing cool, but I could tell he was proud of himself and I couldn’t be more happy that he wanted me to be proud of him too.

Sunday afternoon we were walking through some stores in town where it was all girl-stuff. He said, “This is why I didn’t want to be in this family!” He’s made comments before about not wanting two (annoying) sisters. But then, he quickly corrected himself and said, “I mean, I AM happy to be in this family.” A few months ago, he would have let the first barb sit there, not caring that our feelings were probably hurt.

Sunday night he was leaving after dinner to go play with a neighbor and he came right back inside and said with such wonder, “Mommy, Mr. Rich has his lights up!” We’d been waiting all week for the big light-up. I followed him outside and our neighbor had outdone himself. I literally almost started crying at Jac0b’s childlike wonder at the lights and how they were truly beautiful–and how he came to get me to see them too.

I suppose I share all those little snippets of our weekend to simply say this first Thanksgiving weekend together couldn’t have gone better. I hope this is yet another turning point. I’m sure it’s possible once we jump back into routine of school and work that tensions might rise again, but this long weekend was just the respite that we all needed.

I couldn’t be leaving this first Thanksgiving weekend of ours more grateful and ready to jump into the Advent season. I hope you and yours had a good one too.