December 2011

12/24/2011

As we said last year, in our real lives we work with creative, marketing, etc. So advertising—especially vintage advertising—is a big interest of ours. Good ads make us wish we had done them, and bad ads make us want to hurt people. (The people who did the ads, not people in general.)

Christmas ads have an extra special place in our hearts. There's something about seeing how far companies will go to hawk their wares during the holidays.
We've found some excellent Christmas advertising from the past; mainly the 40s–60s. Most of these are even before our time, and we simply LOVE when that happens. (Because unfortunately it doesn't happen that often anymore.)

The Gays' Gallery of Excellent Christmas Ads, 2011 Edition

Really Borg? Giving someone a scale certainly is not "a beautiful way to say Merry Christmas." You know what it says to someone? "You're fat. Drop the doughnuts and get on the scale, Little Lotta. Fa la la la la la la la la." No thank you.

We do have to admit that this scale is fabulous though.

The surprise party and the silver are just a distraction.

Here's the real surprise, grandma — Junior over on the right is a BIG homo. Merry Christmas!

How drunk is the guy in the derby? He's not at all concerned that there's a camel window shopping next to him on Fifth Avenue. He just cares that said camel has invaded his personal space.

We're not sure what we like better, the headline with the camel calling the man "Sahib," or the most excellent tagline: "The best Christmas buy — is the whiskey that's dry." Now that's advertising.

(Click this image for a bigger version — the copy is still hard to read, but it's a little better.)

We can't believe these really existed, but obviously they did. "Life-term of laughs"?

It won't be a life term; they'll stay together until the 70s, when they start "swinging" and going to key parties. She'll catch him with her best friend's husband, they'll divorce, and she'll spend the rest of her life with poolboys and gigolos, drinking martinis.

But perhaps we're being too cynical about matching pajamas being used to symbolize love everlasting...

"Ham is festive, ham is gay —" That's right, for once it's not us calling someone (or in this case, something) gay; it's the American Meat Institute.

They also say that a ham is a happy gift idea. Really? "Merry Christmas, here's your big gay ham." Maybe that would fly in the midwest...although we wouldn't mind someone giving us a live big gay pig for Christmas.

We're not crazy about the way Santa is slicing the ham, he cuts meat like our fathers used to. (Badly.)

Click the image to see a bigger version of the ad in all its glory.

You can't go wrong buying everyone in the family a gun for Christmas.

Well, we suppose you can if the cleancut teenage boy on the left ends up being one of the Manson Family and comes back and slaughters the whole family with these guns in five-seven years.

But think of all the fab family gun fun before that happens!

Believe it or not, Little Gays, there was a time when gas wasn't expensive. People drove everywhere, just for fun. They said things like "Let's take a drive, kids." They even had drive-in movies.

Not only that, but your gas was pumped for you, by men in cute little hats and a uniform with a bow tie. If all that wasn't enough, they said things like "Check your oil, Sir?" Oh, and all the gas companies had cute mascots like these dalmatians. (Although our favorite was Sinclair's Dino the dinosaur.)

We won't rest until we find the typeface that this ad's "Merry Christmas" is done in.

It's hard to pick a favorite line, but it might be the opener: "For years, I bend the ears of the home office to get a postage meter. I win...Then the only good, fast, dependable honest-to-Gregg stenographer I go, this redhead Morissey—balks at a postage meter!"

Sexism and a pun! Plus, it's a pun centering around a way of communicating (Gregg shorthand) that probably doesn't exist anymore.

Wasn't the Past Great for Women IIYou know what's really sad about this ad? It would have worked and pleased both the women and the men. She'd get what she wanted and he wouldn't have to think or put any real effort into it.

Yes, sometimes the past was fabulous, but then it was often also a sad and scary place.

If you weren't alive in the 60s, you probably don't understand this ad at all. (Here's a larger version; the copy is very period.)

Before kids asked for computers and cell phones, they would have considered themselves lucky to get their own portable typewriter. A manual one, no less.

It was a dream, and also just what she wanted.

No, they're not gay, these snowballs are actually flaming. (You know, on fire.)

We have absolutely no idea what this ad is for, or if it was really even an ad or just a recipe. But we love the illustration so much, we're including it. Sue us.

We're guessing this has something to do with the baked Alaska craze of the late 50s and early 60s.

We always loved ELmer and Elsie, and even their two cow children. (We don't remember their names anymore, but be assured that they started with the letter "E.") We have no idea what a "Pippin Roll" was, but the packaging is fabulous.

Our favorite part of this ad is that they use "scads" in the subhead, and this is a word we've been trying to bring back for years.

We have to confess that this ad is our favorite. We love the typeface, the illustration and the design. And you can never go wrong with a car the size of a boat. But here's what we think the two people in the ad are really thinking:

HIM: This damn car finally oughta do it, heh heh.
HER: He's old, maybe he'll fall asleep and I can get out with the car before I actually have to do him.

And...scene.

No commentary necessary. This is a way in which the past was not a sad and scary place: everyone drank, all the time. How was that bad?

Hope chest? If she's hoping for the big mo in this ad to propose, it's going to be quite a long wait.

Don't they mean "Be His Christmas Hooker?

Like the dress, this ad looks cheap too.

We've saved the best for last. Ah, the 60s. The decade when some modern parents were supposed to start to act like they cared about their children. Oh really?

If this had been our house, we'd be looking at the tree like that because our parents would have told us "If you wet the bed again, you're not getting any presents and Christmas is cancelled. So don't." And we would have been afraid to go to sleep, so we would not have wet the bed. (Now that's parenting.)

And the concludes this year's gallery of Christmas advertising. We hope it's been a pleasant trip down memory lane, to a simpler time. If it's given you the motivation to go out and buy lots of expensive shiny things that you don't really need, we're not responsible. We blame Santa.

12/21/2011

This started out being an entry about how we haven't been happy with the Christmas season this year, starting with sending out Christmas cards and not getting even one in return. Zero. Not even from our significant other.

Then we decided against that piece. Sure, we don't like feeling like we don't matter or that we're not appreciated; especially at this time of the year. It sucks. But the only thing we'll say is that we're not going to feel like this next Christmas, the end; we're going to make sure of that. After all, ultimately it's up to us not them.

This clip not only includes one of our favorite Christmas songs, but it also includes Elaine Stritch as Colleen Donaghy. For us this clip is what Christmas is really supposed to be about. (Figure it out.)

12/20/2011

We ran this story last year, and we weren't going to repeat it even though our favorite Christmas movies have not changed. (Nor do we expect them to.)

But we saw something on Facebook today that disturbed us. One of our young friends posed the question "What's your favorite Christmas movie?" And the answers were things like "Muppet Christmas Carol," "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," "Reindeer Games," and (God Forbid) "Christmas with the Kranks." We love the Muppets as much as the next person, but overall we were so completely horrified by these answers that we felt that we had to repeat this column as a public service.

So here it is again, our favorite Christmas movies.

We've mentioned more than once that we love Christmas. So it would only follow that we also love Christmas songs and Christmas movies.
We're not sure if we're going to be able to do any kind of a list of favorite Christmas songs, as there are just too many. But movies — well picking those is a lot easier.

We're sure our list will contain some films that won't be a surprise at all. But we think there may be one or two that won't fall into the "predictable" category. So, without further ado, here's our list of:
The Gays Favorite Christmas Movies.

5. Christmas in Connecticut, 1945You can't go wrong with Miss Barbara Stanwyck as your star. She plays Elizabeth Lane, a writer for a leading housekeeping magazine. She writes lovingly about life on her farm in Connecticut, all the cooking she does, and her baby and her husband. It's a very idyllic life, the only problem is that it's all fake. She really lives in a small Manhattan apartment and can barely boil water. And although her editor knows everything she's writing is fiction, the publisher of the magazine does not.

Add to this scenario a solider (it's WW II in the film) who was recently rescued from multiple days/weeks in a life raft, and is now recuperating at a Naval hospital. His nurse writes to the magazine publisher asking if the solider, Jefferson Jones (Dennis Morgan), can spend Christmas with Elizabeth Lane and her family at their wonderful farm in Connecticut. The publisher (Sydney Greenstreet) thinks it's a swell idea, and wants to come too. Yikes!

Also part of the plot is the fact that Elizabeth has a long-time boyfriend, architect John Sloan (Reginald Gardiner) who has been proposing to her forever and just happens to have a lovely country home in Connecticut

We think you can figure out what's next. More and more hijinks ensue, but in the end the soldier gets the girl. One of the funniest parts about all this is that the actor who plays her "boyfriend" is such an obvious homo it's almost a joke. it's a fun film and Stanwyck's comic timing, her performance overall, really, is quite amazing.

4. Love Actually, 2003We're not going to go into the plot of this one, because there's no way anyone reading this has not seen this movie — probably more than once. (It's one of the only two "modern" films on our list.) Basically it's a film about love, centered around Christmas.

Some of it's happy, some of it's sad (we always try to yell through the screen and tell Laura Linney to wake up and stop ruining her own life out of a misplaced sense of obligation), but it's all believable, relatable and touching.

The way all the stories are woven together is quite brilliant, as are all the performances. We try to watch this at least once every holiday season; it gives us hope that love is alive and out there and is still the most important thing in life.

3. Remember the Night, 1940This is such a great film, we hope that more people discover it since Turner Classic Movies now seems to be running it every Christmas season.

It's another Stanwyck classic; made five years earlier than Christmas in Connecticut. This one is a romantic comedy/drama that was written by Preston Sturges. Barbara Stanwyck plays a wise-cracking, hard-on-the-outside shoplifter who's arrested right before Christmas. In a fit of holiday cheer (or madness), ADA Fred MacMurrey decides to postpone the trial. Since they're both from Indiana, he agrees to give Stanwyck a ride home so she can spend Christmas with her family, as that's what he's driving to Indiana to do as well.

We'll stop there, but if you're not crying at the end of this movie, you must be dead. (Or a robot.) It also features great performances by Beulah Bondi and Sterling Holloway.

Best line: when the two travelers get stopped by a small-town sheriff, he asks Stanwyck her occupation. Her reply: "Bubble dancer."

2. Scrooged, 1988Dicken's A Christmas Carol is one of our favorite books, and we re-read it at least once every year. (Last year as a gift we received a wonderful hardcover version that contains all of Dicken's performance notes — he used to travel around doing readings of the story to audiences.)

For us, it's the ultimate proof that anyone can come to their senses, turn over a new leaf, see the error of their ways, however you want to put it. Anyone can finally stop being a selfish fuck if they finally really want to. It's never too late. Well, sometimes it is too late, as Scrooge's fiance who left him for being a greedy jerk married someone else, and his sister died in childbirth. So let's amend that to: it's never too late to change your ways and your character, but if you treat people like crap all of them might not come back. (So seeing the light sooner is better than later.)

But we digress...this is such an incredibly clever modern retelling of the story of Scrooge. Bill Murray starring gives it an overall air of comedy, but the main message of redemption is still very clear. This is another one that just has us weeping like schoolgirls at the end. When he's on TV and reunited with love-of-his-life Karen Allen and his secretary's son talks for the first time? Again, if this doesn't make you cry and cry, you must be an android, like Dick Cheney. (Or sadly, simply too hard hearted to live...)

1. It's a Wonderful Life, 1946Believe it or not, we do know someone who doesn't like this film. (At least she didn't when she was younger, it's possible she's mellowed with age.) One year as a Christmas card she even sent out a xerox copy of a magazine article that ripped this movie apart for being unrealistic and giving people false hope. Really, she did; true story.

Obviously, we don't believe any of that. We love this movie. There's no point is going over the plot. (Again, who hasn't seen it?) The performances are great, and we absolutely adore Donna Reed in this role. The only thing that drives us crazy is Uncle Billy. Really, who would let the "slow" man work in the bank or handle money? Ever?! (You let him be the bank janitor; you don't let him touch the money.)

Seeing what Bedford Falls looks like when it's Pottersville always gives us the creeps. Every part, from George's mother being all bitter and running a seedy boarding house to poor Mary ending up as the buttoned-up spinster librarian. You change just one thing about life/time, and the repercussions can be enormous.

We're not overtly religious by any means, but we do believe in the power of love and positive thoughts and prayer, because all prayer is really is just concentrated positive thoughts. We can't think of a better example illustrating all of these than "It's a Wonderful Life." Our tradition is to watch this (sans commercials) on Christmas Eve, and that's what we'll be doing this year too.

(We have to confess that we do also love the "Saturday Night Live" version of the "undiscovered footage" of this film, which has all the main characters, including Dana Carvey as Jimmy Stewart, catching up to Old Man Potter and kicking him to death. )

So these are our favorite Christmas movies — any you think we forgot? Feel free to let us know. In the meantime, we're looking forward to watching all of these again this year. If you want to come over to our house that's fine, just be sure to bring popcorn. And candy canes.

12/09/2011

While we were drinking cocktails thinking deep thoughts last night, we realized that we've never done a piece — compendium, if you will — on Christmas album covers. We were shocked because as former musicians music is one of our biggest interests. Combine that with records, things that really don't exist much anymore, and you have the proverbial match made in heaven...or somewhere.

We pride ourselves on our personal collections of Christmas music, so we know first-hand that some of the album art is quite, uh, let's say, special. Although we (unfortunately) do not own most of the albums that follow, after seeing the covers we do plan to start doing searches in record bins wherever we find them in the coming year.

The albums below aren't everything we found; not by a long shot. But we think these are the most entertaining — visually and otherwise. We hope you enjoy them as much as we do.

The Gays' Gallery of Special Christmas Album Covers

You know one of the things we miss most about the past? (Besides awkward Christmas photos, that is.) How everyone used to dress up. And it wasn't just for "fancy" occasions, like when we dined at the Officer's Club with our parents on Sundays. Taking a plane? You'd dress up. Having people over for cocktails? You'd dress up. Going to a restaurant? You'd dress up. (And you'd leave the kids at home if they were under six, but don't even get us started on that.)

We're not sure if everyone would put on a suit to decorate the tree like Lawrence Welk did, but we can say with assurance that you would not sit down to Christmas dinner wihtout your parents and you being at least sort of dressed up.

NO! We don't want to have Christmas with Eddie Fisher, and you can't make us. He's just a creepy giant head!

While we do love the fabulous sixties ornaments, even we have to admit that it looks like this album cover was put together in a hurry or as an afterthought. Oh, and what were they thinking with the grey background?

We actually don't like this Christmas album cover because it's completely fake. Everyone knows that Magilla Gorilla and Huckleberry Hound had a huge blowup in the early 60s and vowed never to appear on the same stage again. (It made the Martin and Lewis feud look like a minor argument.) Fred Flintstone was tone deaf and could not play the stone organ, and Top Cat's snare drum was really made out of a garbage can.

As creatives we're all for artistic license, but come on Eileen!

This one puzzles us. Are there so many things wrong because the blonde with the glitter stockings is supposed to be stupid? Is that why she has the tree set on top of a giant present that she tried to hide by wrapping garland around it? Is she looking up because she's trying to put presents ON the tree, or is she giving them to a giant?

We like the fake living room backdrop. Like anyone with that chair or the very old fireplace surrounded by Dutch tiles would ever have a white artifical Christmas tree.

Finally, we have no idea who Raymond Lefevre is or was. (But we'll bet with that name, he was a homo.)

Despite the fact that in Holland Sinterklaas arrives on a boat accompanied by helpers referred to as "Black Peters," we're fairly sure that depicting one or all of them in blackface is not acceptable. (At least it's not acceptable here in America.)

We wonder if Domenico Savino had any idea that his album cover was the precursor to the "Dick in a Box" routine? Look at the way Santa is holding his sackful of toys — this photo should be subtitled "Dick in a Bag."

No, we have no idea why Jack Benny is dressed up as Santa Claus and introducing Dennis Day's Family Christmas album.

Our favorite part of this awkward photo is the three boys in the back: the middle one looks bored to death and appears to have the remnants of a black eye; the one on the far right looks like he's scared of Santa Jack Benny; and the one on the left is way too into it. He's obviously the gay son.

Jesus H. Christ on a raft, does everyone but us get to put out a damn Christmas album?

We'd love to have a copy of this, as we're guessing it's a complete train wreck.

We don't have a clue about this one, and aren't even going to try to pretend that we do.

The most we can say is that we're assuming this is some kind of "adults only" record. (And we'll bet that Redd Foxx was involved somehow.)

And now we present the latest episode of Bad Pitch Meetings from the Past:

"I know, let's get that Sikh who plays the organ to do a Christmas record. What was his name, Karloff? Karla? You know, the one with the turban who plays like Liberace except on an organ. And let's make it modern by writing 'Xmas' on the cover instead of Christmas. It'll sell like hotcakes!"

We're assuming that "Klappa Pa" means "Christmas Sausage Fest."

The knife sticking out of the ham sets quite a nice holiday mood.

If there had been a Christmas album at George and Martha's house in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf," somehow we think this would have been it. For us it just screams sad, drunken Christmas. (That will probably end with a stabbing.)

Last, but certainly not least, we leave you with "Jim Nabors Christmas." If there has ever been a gayer Christmas album cover, we've never seen it.

And that brings our wrapup of bad Christmas album covers to an end; we hope you enjoyed it, and maybe even learned something. (If you know what "Klappa Pa" means, do drop us an e-mail.)

Oh, and in case you're wondering about our "TheGaysJudgeYou.com" watermark, it's because people have been stealing our excellent images. Granted we found all these online too, but that's exactly why we've now marked them. (And in hard places where it would be a real pain in the ass to get rid of them - not our first time at the Photoshop rodeo.) If someone else wants to use these, they can just get them someplace else. Merry Christmas photo glommers!

12/06/2011

It's quite difficult to find videos of people in the sixties singing Christmas songs. You know, real videos instead of ones people make themselves with still pictures of the band accompanied by the song as a soundtrack.

But we did find one that's pretty good and shows just how fabulous sixties fashion and television were. It's two different clips of numbers from the 1965 Andy Williams Show Christmas special.

The first is Andy and the gang singing "Sleigh Ride." We don't know what we like more: the obviously fake moving sleigh effect or the really geeky guy up in the driver's seat next to Andy. That is not a face for television! (Radio, yes. TV, no.)

The second clip is Andy's Christmas hit, "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year." For some reason we can't really figure out, they decided to do this in an 1800s motif. We love that all the boy dancers are such obvious homos — this is something that happened a lot on sixties TV shows. (Check out the mo in the front in purple. He is really loving him some Christmas!)

We hope you enjoy watching this bit of swingin' Christmas Cheer as much as we did.