You have to kiss a lot of toads…

August 2010, still reeling from the loss of the baby girl we’d hoped to adopt, it was time to regroup and focus in a new direction.

These shoes were given to us as a gift from a dear friend. Not only are they adorable, but the company buys another pair of shoes for a child in need.

In our meetings discussing surrogacy, we had heard some horror stories about shady professionals, expensive procedures that failed to yield results, and then there were those who were less than willing to help a family like ours. One couple even told us they had to use an “underground railroad” system to navigate the process. Still we were not deterred. With our surrogacy research in hand, we started down this new path.

Perhaps you’ve heard about other couples going to countries like India. We were told that it was cheaper, the mothers live in the clinic until the baby is born, surrogates often perform this service in secret so there would be a lower likelihood of the surrogate trying to keep the child, and the fee paid to the surrogates could empower them to a life that the surrogate and her family likely wouldn’t enjoy otherwise. All of this sounded wonderful. When we researched it, we were surprised to learn many of these clinics were now actively recruiting GLBT clientele; however, the costs were not as low as they had been described. It is possible that all of the media attention around Indian surrogates, including an entire show on Oprah about it, might have caused them to raise their fees. When we considered the little difference in cost and that our surrogate (and baby) would be worlds away, we decided this wasn’t the right choice for us. Overseas would remain an option, but we wanted to be closer to home if we could. (We believe that some countries, including India, have passed laws impacting the ability of same-sex couples to hire surrogates so make sure you have an attorney who is well versed in these issues and do some research yourself.)

Matt began the humbling task of calling around to set up appointments locally. We quickly learned that being a same-sex couple was going to close a lot of doors and some were only partially open because they were motivated by the mighty dollar. Our best advice in researching clinics is to be honest and upfront about who you are. When you encounter an adverse party, be respectful and move on. There are lots of healthcare professionals and clinics. You will find the right one. Regardless of this issue, if you don’t get a good feeling, walk away. Matt and I walked out of a lot of offices before we found the right clinic and physician. There are good ones out there.

One final tip on this point, when you call to set up the initial appointment, ask about fees. We had a couple of agencies try to charge us a sizable fee when we were leaving because we did not hire them on the spot. Their websites did not mention this fee, nor did the person with whom we’d set up the appointment. In fact, we were not able to locate anywhere this fee was ever mentioned. So, we flatly refused to pay and, in one instance, I had to put on my attorney hat and document our objections.

The lesson for us was that you will meet a lot of people in this journey, many of whom are purporting to be there to help. Be wary, trust your instincts, ask a lot of questions and don’t give up. Like everything else in life, you have to kiss a lot of toads before you meet your prince—or princess.