I’ve been trying to be very, very optimistic about the Miami Dolphins lately, because it’s just way too easy to be pessimistic and pray for the sports gods to put me out of my misery by dropping a boulder on my head or making me attend a game at Sun Life Stadium, where the odds of being stabbed are way better than a boulder falling on my head. Additionally, it’s easier to be pessimistic because I’ve watched several of my usually diehard Dolphins friends adopt new teams because they’re just tired of dealing with Stephen Ross’ and Jeff Ireland’s bullshit.

So I’m going to use this opportunity to list the things that Miami Dolphins fans have to be positive about this season, which I believe will most likely end with another 7-9 record and Ireland saying something like, “Well, this is still a rebuilding process and we feel like we have a lot of the right pieces in place for the future” before he stares at Dion Jordan for several minutes while thinking, “Yeah, that was a great trade, Jeff. You’re the best ever.”

Positive Thing No. 1: We’re not New York Jets fans.

Positive Thing No. 2: We’re not Buffalo Bills fans. (Although, if the Bills didn’t have several injured quarterbacks and their immediate hopes and dreams resting on the arm of Jeff Tuel, they’d probably be better than the Dolphins. But I’ll take my positives where I can get them, thank you very much.)

(via Getty Image)

Positive Thing No. 3: After people criticized the Dolphins for throwing a shit ton of money at Mike Wallace as he was practically invisible to Ryan Tannehill in Miami’s early preseason action, they shut everyone up with some impressive plays. Granted, that was against the Jacksonville Jaguars, but we take what we can get.

Positive Thing No. 4: We’re not New York Jets fans.

Positive Thing No. 5: The New England Patriots have a bunch of inexperienced and unproven receivers. To be completely honest, this isn’t a positive to me. A lot of people keep saying that they’re staying far away from Tom Brady in fantasy football this year for this very reason, to which I respond, “Okay, I’ll take him then, because he’s Tom-fucking-Brady.” Until Pats receivers use NOFX’s “She’s Nubs” as their anthem, I won’t ever take them for granted. But for the time being, I’ll ignore that if it makes my fellow Fins fans feel a little better.

Positive Thing No. 7: The Dolphins cheerleaders are very fun to look at. Fun story: Last year, I was at MGM Studios with my girlfriend and as we left the Tower of Terror ride, I saw a bunch of Dolphins cheerleaders getting off of the other car. I’m pretty sure that I knocked a child over when I ran over to get a photo with them. In fact, I’m very lucky to still have a girlfriend after that.

Positive Thing No. 8: Rex Ryan will probably have a meltdown when the Dolphins beat the Jets. And every team, for that matter. It’s amazing to think that the Jets were in the AFC Championship Game just a few seasons ago.

(via Getty Image)

Positive Thing No. 9: Stephen Ross is far too distracted by trying to buy his way into politics so he can get revenge on the city, county and state politicians who have denied his efforts to steal taxpayer money for stadium renovations to meddle in the team’s on-field affairs. That’s actually the first positive thing I’ve ever said about this owner who openly declared that he wants his legacy to be people regarding him as the owner who had the nicest stadium. Super Bowl wins are for suckers!

Positive Thing No. 10: Ryan Tannehill isn’t the worst QB that the Dolphins have ever had. Granted, I still hate the idea of having a project guy be the leader of a team that has been haunted by terrible QB decisions for more than 20 years, but he’s still not Joey Harrington or Cleo Lemon.

Burnsy, next time you’re hanging out with Donald Ross in South Beach, will you find out where he got his hair transplant for me? I’d like to get a hair transplant, but I only have $123.75 to spend. It looks like his cost around that. No offense.

I love that Jets, Dolphins, and Bills fans can only be thankful they have one another in the division, so everyone can go 1-1 against the others with the away team always winning due to a complete fuckup by the home team so nobody is really happy, while the Patriots beat them all senseless before losing to a real team in the playoffs.

“We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s second cyborg quarterback. Chad Pennington will be that man. Worse than he was before. Slower, DERPier, prone to even more shoulder explosions.”

Burnsy, you must be my spirit animal because your analysis of the Dolphins is exactly like mine: We aren’t Jets fans and we have very attractive women involved with the team. Sadly, you don’t get points for that.