EARTH (for the discerning intergalactic holidaymaker)

Hello!

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My name is Glorken, and I’m The Urban Spaceman’s best and only friend! I help TUS with scientific experimentation and reports to the Homeworld. Today, I’m reporting on the Earth’s potential as a lucrative tourist destination. Let’s take a look at this from the perspective of a potential investor/developer!

What am I getting for my money?

That’s a super-great question! What would you say if I told you that you could cheaply procure a pristine, N-class planet with 70% water coverage? Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, that’s because it is – partially.

The Earth is inhabited by a primitive sentient species known as Humans, which means you can’t just go charging in with the planetary bulldozers. Fortunately, Humans are dumb and greedy. They’ll happily sell you their planet for bits of paper with pictures of dead humans printed on them! If they’re not placated with bits of paper, you can try gold, platinum or diamonds. Humans go crazy for these common substances. In fact, Humans have been known to wage wars over the most basic of commodities.

Although there are a few billion Humans on the Earth, the majority of them are found in clusters of urban nuclei, leaving large swathes of land uninhabited. As well, Humans haven’t yet developed the technology required to build oceanic settlements, which means you can pretty much leave them where they are, work around their cities and avoid a costly relocation programme.

This sounds great. Tell me more!

Okay! So, you have this super-great Nice-class planet, and you want to develop it to attract as many space-tourists as possible. Here are a few ideas which could feasibly be implemented:

Luxury Pamper Resort – for the relaxation junkie. It would be a shame to let all that relaxing ocean and empty space go to waste. Stressed-out workers from all over the galaxy would enjoy the chance to unwind on this Nice planet.

Adventure Experience – for those who like to live life on the edge (of civilised space). The Earth features many great mountains, oceans, and other geographical features conducive to super-fun and extreme pastimes such as mountain-surfing, ocean-racing and volcano-jumping!

Edutourism – for those who like to combine relaxing with learning! The Earth’s many and varied biomes are home to countless species of plant and animal just ripe for a little developmental investment. Or perhaps you could show the Earth as a step-back in time; a glimpse into what primitive non-space-faring cultures are like.

Earthmusement Park – fun, fun, super-fun! If I was a bazillionaire, this is the option I would pick, because who can resist an amusement park? Unfortunately, TUS is not paid very well, so the chances of us ever buying a planet are super-slim. To date, the largest amusement park is the Cetix III Lunarscape, but why settle for a moon when you can turn an entire planet into one ginormous fun-fest?!

What’s the catch?

Haha! Oh, you. Always with the cynicism.

Alright, there is one small catch. I mentioned that Humans are stupid and greedy, right? Well, turns out that’s a double-edged sword. Because they’re stupid and greedy, they’re also wanty. They want everything, and they want it all the time. They go to war at the drop of a brain probe, and they’re very wasteful. Before you can turn the Earth into a super-lucrative holiday hotspot, you’re going to need to do a little cleanup*. Nothing too drastic; plastic particulates in the oceans, nuclear waste, landfill, that sort of thing.

The Humans may also require some re-education. After all, you don’t want to bring your clients to the Earth only to have them accosted by stick-throwing** primates! Like many less intelligent lifeforms, Humans have the capacity for learning, but they will need consistent repetition to make the lessons stick. I guestimate it will take 2 or 3 generations before Humans start behaving civilised like you and I, but don’t worry too much about that, because Humans are also super short-lived. The great thing is, though, that some Humans are already attempting to change the greedy, stupid ways of their species. Once you’ve given them a little assistance, they should be able to perform the re-education of the rest of the species for you!

Is there anything else I need to know?

Of course! The Earth isn’t the only planet in its solar system. The rings of Saturn would also make a most excellent tourist destination, whilst Jupiter (a source of Malt Loaf) could be readily utilised for spaceship refuelling! The Earth also boasts its very own moon, which is tidally locked to the planet. As you know, moons are the preferred honeymoon destination for newlywed couples from the Matarahari species (due to their crazy religious beliefs or whatever), making investment in the Earth and its moon even more attractive!

Here is a super-accurate picture I drew of the Earth and its relative place in the solar system!

TUS guestimates that the Earth’s sun is good for another few billion years, which is sure to offer comfort to investors worried about their property being lost due to super-nova explosions. As well, there is minimal space debris in the Earth’s solar system, making navigation easier for captains of cruise and tour ships alike. Again, a little cleanup will be required. Most of the debris is actually in orbit of the Earth, placed there by Humans (for reasons unknown) over the past few decades.

I’m sold! What’s the next step?

Send your ideas for the Earth, along with opening bids, to: talkto at theurbanspaceman dot net

And I will happily act as an intermediary between you—prospective buyer—and the greedy dumb Humans of Earth.

* The Earth may or may not become a greenhouse within the near future, potentially (or not potentially) rendering the entire planet uninhabitable to all but the most hardy of cockroaches.

Technically I’m in orbit above the planet. From a purely scientific point of view, I object to tourism, but don’t worry: nobody’s going to go for Glorken’s proposals, he’s a terrible salesman and there are better planetary investments out there.