Category Archives: My artwork

I had a very big break thru while playing in a poker tournament Sunday. It was one of my greatest epiphany’s of all time (besides my awakening with ayahuasca). It has to do with duality, going deeper into your fears, belief, faith, courage and trust.

The framework needed to be able to deeply feel this epiphany on a profound level is to have absolute belief in the existence of a spirit realm and to know that us human beings create the reality we see around us. That we all possess Godly knowledge and power. Understanding this fundamental truth is the basic principal into awakening. Knowing that this world is an illusion built upon karma, ego and duality – all necessary to further our evolutionary process.

Our collective consciousness is the medium in which we all paint.

But in order for us to process this understanding, we must take the leap of faith and separate ourselves from the ego bound nature of physical reality.

What people do to each other is insane. The further you are from compassion and non-judgement, the more insane you become. This is what evil is. And it’s this rub that shapes us. By adopting consciously aware and mindful choices, you choose the path of stepping away from circumstances that are out of your control. You evolve into a more blessed being – a wise guide that contributes to our one collective soul body.

This is where duality comes into play. The friction between the spiritual and the physical. The light from the dark. Very few people are even aware they have continuous access to the light.

I dubbed the dark ego-bound emotional reality as being the big almighty rock tumbler. We are thrown into this big vat of abrasive cohorts to shape and polish us. Both sides fighting for what they believe is right. But what they fail to realize is that fighting is fighting regardless of the cause. In the dark and almighty rock tumbler, all that exists are perceptions, not truths. No one can see the light in front of them while being shrouded in darkness and tumbling in the emotional upheaval of insanity. Grasping at whomever is near for stability and reason.

If you’re awake, you can choose to step out of the rock tumbler and see it for what it really is, a learning playground. And when you throw yourself back into it, getting your knee’s scraped up and suffering a bit, you actually feel better and stronger because of it. But you have to remain aware while you’re in there. Aware of the insanity and aware that all negative abrasive emotions are just insanity battling against even more insanity.

Staying aware is difficult because the gravity of others beliefs can suck you in. People normally take the side of the person they have more contact with simply because they get sucked in and stop seeing alternate perspectives. They are not aware and not in control (although they think they are). This is why children become the byproduct of their environment and of their parents fears. Until they break free and see the outside world on their own, they will fall victim to their circumstances and narrow perspectives. You become your environment and you want to protect those same circumstances that shaped your beliefs albeit whether they are wrong or right. They are you and you must defend yourself.

If you’re an awake individual, you become the polished gem inside the tumbler. One who uses compassion over abrasiveness, understanding over judgement and blame. You are humble enough to not have to protect yourself from attack. Stubbornness doesn’t exist in you, only understanding. Understanding of the process itself and seeing people’s inability to see the light. And having compassion for those who don’t see it and instead continue to suffer. You suffer along with them until you step out of the tumbler and dust yourself off. Feeling even more glorious than ever.

Very much like the feeling after having accomplished a long harrowing pilgrimage.

When you’re standing on the outside looking in, you can see the arial view of reality. You see the components, the insanity, the progression. If everyone were to lay down their arms, there would be no more progress. No evolution would take place. If we were all to stop fighting, hold hands and sing a church hymn – lose our ego, lose our duality, become one with nature and each other. If we were to do all that, reach nirvana, then a vital step in our evolutionary process would be missing.

It has to do with free will and conscious choice. We are individuals and because we are individuals, we must integrate our ego with the spirit in order to keep in tact the option of free will. We will lose our awareness if we’re not able to hold steady our individuality. We can not become powerful conscious creators if we lose our self-awareness. The rock tumbler is the process into gaining self-awareness, strength and courage.

The stronger you become, the less of the world you will fear. And without fear, you step into the portal of unwavering faith in yourself and God. You are consciously aware of the choices you make because of your integration with ego and spirit. We are no longer puppets, but the puppeteers. We become our adult higher selves instead of the slaves of fear. This is walking the path of greatness. And in walking this path, we consciously create our reality in our wake.

I still need to talk about duality, faith, going deeper into your fears and courage but I don’t want to make this post too long. This post is just a primer. My epiphany was so large making it super hard to explain. I felt it and then intuited the knowledge of how and why I was feeling it. There’s so many layers and parts to it.

I need to write it all down so I can incorporate it into memory. Honestly, I don’t know how it’s possible for people to not want to write. How will they remember things? How will they ever get better?

I had this post in my draft folder for days. I’ve been busy with other things. I threw myself back into the rock tumbler and tried being friends again with one of the Melanie Haters. The one who planned a vacation with my bff and purposely left me out of it.

It hurts being in the tumbler, I get scuffed up in the process – but I jumped back in using compassion as my guide instead of my defensiveness and trying to understand why. I will never understand why and not knowing the answer is all part of the tumbler. A part that bruises and scrapes against my ribcage aiming for my heart – both my greatest weakness and my greatest strength. It hits in waves and I let it do what it does until the tears come I say, “Okay enough,” and it subsides, slipping back into the tumbling chaos without me to follow suit.

I am out looking in and saying to myself, “Holy crap what a ride.”

I love the fact that I can feel so deeply. I love that I have a choice in letting myself feel it. It will only make me better – it has made me better. Ayahuasca told me that I’m special and I have gifts. Perhaps having such a big heart is one gift that is absent in others. I want to cry because I love this person I am. I see my ego self and I love her – I love that she feels so much.

I painted a picture for the Melanie Hater as a peace offering. I couldn’t think of anything else I could get her. Flowers, chocolate, bath soaps are all lame and so I painted a picture of us during happier times. When we were dressed up as Goldie Locks and the Three Bears on Halloween.

This is the product of 7 adult ed watercolor classes.

I was terrified of seeing her again. Afraid of hearing lies, being judged and blamed, looked down upon. These are all abrasives that left a scar. It can only be smoothed away with compassion and that compassion is what polishes me into a gem. Buffing out all my scuffed abrasive scars in the process.

I only have one more watercolor class left until it’s all over. I love this class – I really love it. I love the ladies, the instructor, and the woman sitting next to me who can’t handle criticism. I can see myself in all of them.

People become vulnerable when learning or doing something new, and if you look close enough, you can see your own reflection in their fears and weaknesses.

I’m only able to see myself with the help of others. It’s like I see myself in them and understand that if I don’t like what I see, I can change it in myself. I can change it because I know myself.

My mother was the first person whom I learned this from. I was only a kid, maybe 6 or 7. I learned that she was unable to see the person she became. I kept thinking over and over, “If only she can hear herself. If only she can see herself…..”

I became enamored with our old Sony camcorder bought in 1988. I was 8 years old lugging that big thing on my thin bony shoulder. I wanted to capture the true nature of people – the parts they miss out seeing while being in their first person perspective. I became the one responsible for recording video at all family functions. My high-pitched squeak voice narrated. I was rarely seen in our home video’s, only heard.

Creating yourself is about seeing yourself, whether you like what you see or not.

That’s why I believe art to be self-actualized.

I’ve always been somewhat good at artsy things. I don’t consider it being a natural talent – there’s no such thing as natural talent. Natural talent can’t be explained, but the way we learn can be explained. It’s not only about how we learn that brings about talent, but also the passion we have for our endeavors mixed with the belief in knowing that we’re good enough. No limits.

However, ayahuasca told me that I do possess unique talents. Perhaps she was talking about my ability to understand how to create. Patience and a steady hand, but the most important thing being: Don’t take it seriously!

I hate to bring up ego again but, seriousness breeds itself in the ego. It’s judgment of yourself and of others. It’s void of trusting and believing in yourself – it’s your fears incarnate.

It’s only when you let go of being serious, you are able to play and have fun.

All the ladies in the class are taking watercolor too seriously. They’re afraid of every brush stroke, while I’m sitting there cross-legged on my chair, thumbs in the thumbholes of my hoodie, daintily daunting the paper with the tip of my brush and thinking – “whatever happens, happens. I’m having fun!”

This is the part of my personality that can be annoying. My ability to just not give a shit, and at the same time, showcase talent. Why can’t people put these two together?!

Relinquish your need to control. You will never be able to control your fears. Let it go.

Everything will be okay in time. In time, I will get good. Also, when you let your ego govern you, you’re not learning anything. All you see are mistakes and frustration – that’s not playing and when you’re not playing, you’re not learning.

Anyway, my big trip is approaching. Peyote in Arizona and then hiking 500 miles in Spain. All I want to do is sit on the toilet to stop myself from shitting my pants. I’m not a traveler – I don’t do things like this. Especially not alone or without a guide. I’m 33 years old and I still live downstairs from my parents!

They don’t know I’m going by myself. And I assure you, I am NOT smart. But stupid people have the best adventures, right?

On top of all that, my stupid-ass managed to get uninvited to go on vacation with my old friends – the same friends I grew up with thinking that they were the only friends I would ever need. I was uninvited as quickly as I was invited. Why? Because I wanted to make sure they actually wanted me to go. And as it turns out, they don’t.

My heart feels the physical pangs of hurt (even though I didn’t think that was possible anymore), isolation and fear. Unwillingness to believe it’s possible to be abandoned all over again – how can it be? What did I do? I have to accept it. I have to deal with it. But shit, it hurts.

But I also feel courage. I have courage and faith. And I know for certain that there’s nothing more important to me right now than going on this trip. This is my life – this is exactly what I want to do with my life.

I flipped thru my journal from Colombia earlier today. I wrote while I was toked up on ayahuasca and another time with yopo. Why not share some pages with you? Hell, you know everything else there is to know about me….

Huh I just re-read a paragraph and it makes me think once again that everyone here living on this planet are here because they are fearful. EVERYONE! The only way out of it is faith. To have faith, suffering to attain that faith, and become strong and light. My faith is still shakeable, but I’m getting there. Compassion Melanie. Must remember compassion, being humble and open. This world is fantasy. Believe.

I am a light spirit. No no scratch that. I am thee light spirit.

Okay, being thee light spirit isn’t humble, but I’m playing in my ego which is totally okay so long as I know it’s just a delusion.

I know I sound crazy but I’ve been reading other spiritual teachers and let me just tell you hole-lee-shit it’s everywhere. It ain’t just me. And the SAME insights no less!

It’s profound. Completely profound. My heart thumps in awe after having crawled out of its slimy container of grief. I really am beautiful. We all are.

Physicists are coming to realize that this world is a hologram built upon tiny sporadic influxes in an infinite sea of potential possibilities. And our minds play a huge role in manifesting our thoughts into reality. It is however, a group effort. We are all but one being of conscious energy working together to create the world around us.

Do you know what this means in regards to our creativity? Limitless potential!

An American pastor named Robert Schuller once posed the question: “What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?”

Take your time and understand that quote because its truth is deeply embedded in the gossamer strands that entangle you with the infinite. YOU are special. YOU have gifts. Natural talent is both equal to and the same as natural passion. There is nothing in this world you should fear – not even death. YOU are loved. YOU embody strength. All you need to do is find your awareness – your self awareness. And believe. All you have to do is believe in yourself. The real question is, do you really want to? Or do you not have time for that nonsense?

Many people know about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I agree with it, how can I not? It seems straightforward enough. But if it were my pyramid, I’d replace the need of Love/Belonging with Appreciation, Gratitude and Compassion for others. Then I’d replace the Esteem section with Love, Compassion and Acceptance of yourself. The tippity top would include all that other stuff he lists, but he left out the most important component – complete and unfailing belief in yourself.

His Love/Belonging and Esteem layers tells us that we need others for validation. Having this belief will make you dependent on external sources and therefore cripple the understanding that you are in fact an already perfectly whole person.

The middle parts are where people get tripped up. If you stay dependent on external sources, you will find yourself digging for power, for control – manipulating others for approval. You enter into a lifelong game of struggle to stay on top.

But nothing will fill you up as well as you can fill yourself. And this is where solitude comes in. Know thyself and know that only YOU can fix YOU – although you’re already perfect just as you are.

I had my watercolor class tonight. I love this class – I love the lady’s in the class. They are so freaking adorable that I want to cry just watching and listening to them. They set up their little paint set with their brushes and expensive Aqvarelle Arches paper that the instructor insisted we buy. They do their very best in attempting to paint as the teacher gives instructions.

We are all there trying to create art and learn. It’s really a beautiful thing to behold – not the paintings themselves, but the women’s efforts are what make it beautiful. Their quirks bring out the compassion in me. I want to cradle them in my arms and say “Hey now you can do this. Don’t worry about messing up, you can do this!”

The woman sitting next to me takes criticism very hard. I feel her energy, so I know. She’s trying to get better by laughing it off – she laughs at herself and started accepting that her work is no good, and can therefore be more accepting of criticism (but accepting and reception are not the same). The fact that I can feel this happening all within her kind of freaks me out.

The woman sitting behind me is a sweetheart. She loves everyone and wants to make everyone feel good. But I also feel her energy – it calls out to me saying that she’s not as good or as talented as everyone else. And the more crappy she feels about herself, the more she wants to make others feel wonderful.

I can see people plainly. I intuit things and feel them. It’s all emotion, all imagery without words to hold any of it down. And it’s only through imagery and emotions where you start to believe in your potential – don’t try, Do. Don’t act, Be. See it, Paint it.

Writing about how to unlock your creativity is hard to do since the way into it is not through logic and reason. There are no words for it. It’s the part in you that doesn’t know language.

Think about it for a minute. Can you tell yourself to believe in yourself? No! You have to actually embody it, you have to feel it. Do you see what I’m saying? Words have no power over what you truly feel or believe. It’s like painting with water having no pigment. You write with invisible ink. If there is no belief behind your words, they are meaningless.

But then again once you know this, are you too scared to use it? If you are, then you don’t believe in yourself.

Let go man, it’s simple.

For your exercise tonight I want you to think of something you want to do, but are too afraid to try. You’re afraid of failing, being hurt or being judged, afraid of embarrassing yourself. For me personally, one thing I’m afraid of doing is going to an auto dealership and test driving the car of my dreams. I don’t want to do it because I’m a poor girl, a loser who still lives at home with her parents. The salesman would see right through me and not give me the time of day, feeling like I’m wasting his time.

The thing with manifesting your reality is that you have to believe you already acquired all of that you wish for. You have to act the part accordingly, exuding confidence and knowing. If I believe I’m a person deserving enough to attend an open house mansion, or take a $200,000 car out for a test drive, then no other reality exists. The universe will comply. Your beliefs will bring all this into fruition – but you have to be diligent in fighting back those naysaying thoughts (and people).

Really look deep for those hang ups. The one’s that seem to be the most “common sense” notions are the most powerful and very hard to release. Remember that you have to feel it, not just say it, but feel it.

YOU are deserving! You matter in the world. If that salesman won’t humor me with a test run, that’s his own shit, not mine. Don’t become the beliefs of what others think you are.

Think Maslow, think self-actualization. Keep these thoughts steadfast through-out the day and don’t slack off because if you do, you’ll fall back into the dough of circumstance.

Imagine a universe where there exists no purpose, and time stands still. Imagine a place having no gravity, no stars, nor moons and only two known dimensions. Nothing really exists, and nothing matters. It’s a universe built upon silent illusion. Now I want you to visualize what that universe would look like. The image most people come up with looks something like this:

I signed myself up for introduction to watercolors in an adult ed class. It only cost me $100 for 8 classes! I’m there with a bunch of menopausal women who fan themselves in the freezing school room, then complain it’s freezing. They’re awesome.

I signed up to learn to paint with watercolor because it’s a vital step in my grand scheme of taking over the world…eh hem, I mean becoming filthy rich and living in a mansion. I have this idea you see, an idea so brilliant that it was never thought of before – I searched Google and no, I’m the first one to think of this angle to take over the world…eh hem, I mean paint watercolor paintings in an adult ed class.

I really do have a good idea but in order for me to make it happen, I need to become a master watercolorist. There is no other way. Well, there are other ways, but they aren’t as fun.

As luck would have it, painting in watercolor happens to be the hardest medium to paint with. Detail? Bah, who needs it, right? No wait, I need it! Me! I’m a detailed drawer. I draw in the very finest points mechanical pencils can produce! I hide myself in the details. I control what you see. And now you’re telling me to be vague? ME vague?

Well, I guess my outward appearance can be vague. It’s all part of my allure, my mystery – and honestly I can’t help it. Even when I think I’m being completely honest and forthright, people view me as being cool – and I don’t mean that in a cool way. But hey, Enlightened people can’t help their own complexity, or simplicity rather.

Shut your damn ego trap girl.

As you can see from my depiction of what a storm looks like over a farm house, I have lots of work cut out for me.

My classes are Mondays, my only day off to spend with family and friends – well, too bad sucka’s! Mellie’s gonna take over the world! Eh hem, er, I mean paint purdy colors with watery pigments – yay!

Yesterday was a fine day. It was the first time in months where I was able to sleep until my normal waking hour of 12 noon. I got an oil change at Economy oil and the guys working there are nice enough to suggest parts that my little ol’ slutty escort needs.

“You should have new wipers put on.”

“Do it up baby.”

“You should change your air filter.”

“We better get started on that then.”

A young man sitting next to me giggled. He probably mistook me for a sucker. Pffff, I’m no easy sell little man. I just like spending money.

Every time I get my oil changed, the guys replace a plastic zip-tie that bears the responsibility of holding up the steal frame of my car. When that zip-tie breaks, Essie starts sounding like a box spring getting some action. It’s fun for her until we both parish in a fiery blaze of inundated fury.

I tenderly pat her on her dashboard – “Hang in there old girl, you still have lots of miles in you.”

I think I need to attend an AA meeting, anthropomorphism anonymous. Hey, why do they call it anonymous if they make you stand up and state your name? Not only state your name, but admitting you have a problem too? That doesn’t sound very anonymous to me, no sir it does not. Don’t you agree computer? Computer agree’s that I’m right.

I just chatted with my new next door neighbor moving in to the cramped office on the other side of my wall. A very handsome construction worker. And lordy mercy me, he’s even nice!

Around this time last year I massaged a man named Martin. I massaged him twice and both times I fell in love with him. Anyway, I won’t get into too much on that since I’m not the mushy romantic type, but it’s suffice to say that I sort of puffed him up into being my illusory soul mate. EW, I know right? I’m so lame. The worst part of this is that even when I meet a hunk of a man such as my new neighbor, I always say to myself, “He’s nice but he’s not Martin.”

If I ever do find myself with the desire of getting hitched, this fake man I created into my fantasy world will far surpass any real man I find. It’s absolutely absurd, but there you have it. Actually all this talk about men and love is absurd to me. It is NOT nor will ever be my priority. I have Martin as a friend on Facebook and I honesty think I looked at his page maybe three times – three! This just goes to show that it’s not him I love, but the idea of him – the one so easily concocted in my head. Either that or I’m not much of the stalker type.

Yuck, enough of all that.

I’m listening to Ani Defranco on Pandora radio. Is she singing or talking? WTF is this? Ahh here’s a good song, Portishead Dummy.

Ah lol, oh yes. So yesterday was a day where I felt the true fruits of my labor. And it fizzled over into today. I received my new work uniform in the mail – an $80 top sold specifically to those in the spa industry. It looks to be an asian wrap-around frock. It’s one size too big, but still looks a hellova lot better than my frayed polo from Vista Print (don’t purchase uniforms from Vista Print, they shrink and fray and the collar gets all wonky, you know what I mean? Ignore the fact that I wore and washed it every single day for the last 6 months. It was warped in three weeks).

So today before work, I pumped my gas in style. And when I was done, I hopped in Essie and pulled out into the rain and turned on the wipers.

“See that Essie? New wipers! Yes ma’am we are living large. Ha ha living large indeed. Me and you.”

I really need that AA meeting….

Speaking of AA, I so should have drank beer during the days I thought work was killing me. They have a perfectly good refrigerator here and guess what else? No one is here to tell me not to!

This week is still pretty stacked up, but I have gaps such as now. These gaps are all that I need to keep me happy.

I loved most of my co-workers in my previous 20 plus jobs, so I hate to say this but, oh how I love this time with myself! I love being able to see people when I choose – and not have to worry about gossip, overachievers (god how I hate overachievers), or the annoying ones that never shut up. And I love the fact that if I am being gossiped about, I don’t care! I don’t freaking care and I love it! I feel the most stable I ever felt – stable and not feeling guilty or confused about anything.

My new lesson I learned only two days ago was to have compassion for myself. That will be a whole different post and I definitely will write about it. I also want to write about how to unlock your creative genius – I know how! I’m still tapped into this never ceasing strand of understanding.

My brain these days is off the hook. Or possibly off its rocker, I don’t know and I don’t care. Anyway, the important thing is, I feel I have much to write about. I have this passion for sharing everything I learn, everything I’m taught. I use the word “taught” because it’s not me who’s figuring all this stuff out, but it’s something bigger than me that’s actually telling me. And that’s part of the creative process, but I’ll save that one for another day.

I also learned that all knowledge is derived from experience.

A conversation I had with my client today:

Client – “It’s hard to trust doctors when they end up doing something that hurts you. And you don’t say anything because you think they know better and know what they’re doing.”

Me – “Doctors are just regular people like you and me. They’re no smarter or wiser and they make mistakes and aren’t always considerate.”

Client – “Yeah I know! They don’t know what they’re doing!”

Me – “Nope, not a clue. I mean it’s one thing if they seen from previous experience what exactly is happening to you, and they can apply their learned knowledge, but most of them have no idea. Book learning is very different from actual understanding. I believe that all knowledge comes from direct experience and that doctors have no experience being in your body, so in essence, you have more knowledge about what’s going on in you than your doctor does.

Client – “Oh my god you’re right! I never thought of it like that!”

We were talking about those electronic impulse devices that you stick on your body. I bought one from Groupon and when I placed it on certain area’s, it hurt! I mean it really hurt! The manual says to remove them if you feel pain. His doctor never informed him of this possibility, and so the poor guy suffered through it.

Me – “You have to have more compassion for yourself. Sometimes it’s not about having compassion for others when it’s you who needs it. You find your self-compassion and you find your voice.”

Client – “Is it okay if I scooch up a little?”

Me – “Yeah of course.”

Client – “See I did it!”

Me – “Yeah but nobody likes a nitpicker.”

I didn’t actually say that last thing, instead I said – “It’s funny how our brains work. 30 seconds from now I would’ve forgotten all about you asking to scooch up, even though it was something you had to think long about.”

The guy is one of those self-consious types, too afraid of speaking up. I am too, or was rather. I just recently learned why that is but I’ll save that for later.

Um, okay. So this is Dave’s girlfriend, Heather. She’s the woman who wrote me those messages on Facebook that I copied and pasted here for you guys to read.

I’m not into looks. I don’t judge people on them, don’t let their good or bad facial characteristics factor into how I feel about them on the deep emotional/intellectual level – I never have. My brain doesn’t work like that. But this picture seems to push through my impartial perceptions to appearance and make me think, “What the fuck? Dave seriously? What the fuck man.”

They been dating for maybe two years now? Dave cheats on her, treats her like shit. He makes horrific rude comments to her that he tells me about, and she still takes him back every time. Ten years his senior (citizen) and you would think she know’s better, but no.

Heather says to Dave – “What do you think about me adopting a child?”

Dave – “Why would you want to adopt a little bastard baby?”

Heather’s adopted. Dave’s an idiot.

Okay, so I did some research on this type of relationship. What I found out makes a lot of sense. Heather is an inverted narcissist who seeks out love and attention from regular narcissist’s who are also seeking love and attention.

Being a narcissist turns out to be more than just glamming yourself up and claiming you’re better than everyone . There are plain narcissist’s who feed off of other people’s undivided attention towards them. If they can find a person to give them a constant stream of narcissistic supply, they will never leave that person.

Narcissistic supply is the place where a narcissist get’s his daily ego fix. Heather is Dave’s supply. Heather is a co-dependant – clingy, needy, pathologically envious and emotionally sensitive. She’s an inverted narcissist because she seeks out and clings to outgoing, misogynistic narcissists who need her for their own warped needs. She get’s her narcissistic supply from Dave, and Dave, from her. They dock together like a circumcised penis attached to an uncircumsized penis.

Some guy at the bar last week told me that guys with uncircumcised penis’ like to roll their skin over another guys penis like it’s a chinese finger trap. They call it docking. I wanted to write about it but couldn’t think of how to fit it in with anything, but this works. Heather and Dave are like two penis’ docking.

Three french hens, two penis’ docking and a partridge in a pear tree.

I’m in the christmas spirit.

I started reading about narcissism and found it fascinating because I AM one. Well, partially one. I claim to be a lot of things, but this really hits home. The reason I like going to bar’s so much is for my quick “love” fix. I feel loved and wanted there (bars are my narcissistic supply). And when I date anyone new I ask myself; “Do I only like this person because they like me so much?” And I hate the answer but, YES! I only like them because they like me and it feels great for a while. But then that person, my victim, starts to get clingy, needy and pathologically envious so I’m forced to drop them.

My victims become inverted narcissists instead of being just regular, everyday people who like me for the sake of liking me. Their want of me became a need, and that’s when I know the relationship is heading in the wrong direction. This is why I don’t date. Something is majorly wrong with me and I have to figure it out before I can date again.

I’m a narcissist with exploding head syndrome. It doesn’t get any better than that.

I just got home from the bar. I’m tired and gonna go to bed. My brother wants me to paint him a picture for Christmas, but God damn it it’s hard!

This was my bedroom as I saw it (while lying in bed) at 5 o’clock this evening. I’m trying to draw God’s hand floating over the ocean with a dock floating on the water. I may add a person standing on the dock reaching out to touch the huge God hand, but it’s freaking hard! Painting is not easy, so no wonder why they cost so much. Cheese and rice (AKA: Jesus Christ)! I don’t want to take a closer picture of the painting cause guess what? It sucks!

I may regret posting this post, but I won’t know until tomorrow morning when my head is less foggy and headachey.

Enjoy to all my 21 subscribers who get this before it’s deleted!

Ha ha, wordpress offers me picture’s to insert into my post depending on what words I use. They are showing pic’s of guys penis’s, Jesus Christ, and this guy:

My last post upset some people. I feel like crap now. I feel embarrassed actually.

I just have to say that Mo was my best friend very briefly 10 years ago when all my life-long friends were busy with school or have moved away. At the time it felt like she was the only person who really knew me, but that was long ago and I emphasized that she was the only person who ever knew me for dramatic effect.

I hardly talk to her anymore, very rarely do I see her – we are barely friends now and she doesn’t know me like my good friends who stuck by my side for years and years do. She does not know me at all anymore. It was all just during that brief Aquaturf phase. And it was so fleeting that it’s just a drop in time for me.

I absolutely love and adore the friends that I have now and nothing will ever change that unless they disown me for being an asshole.

I don’t think everyone’s a sociopath either. I promise you that! I love mostly everybody – even the difficult ones! Even that big smelly guy I had to massage has a little nook in my heart.

Anyways, I’m sorry.

I’m not a great writer – not even a mediocre writer. (I use dashes too much because I don’t know proper grammar or punctuations.)

So sometime’s it’s easy for me to write something that can be taken the wrong way.

Basically when it comes down to it, I’m an asshole that likes to write shit on the internet. I forget that people read this shitty blog.

Yesterday I started to draw a sulking angel sitting on a perch and guess what? Today I’m sulking!

It’s 12:30 am and I probably won’t sleep tonight because I feel so bad.

Like this:

Last night at the Half Door, I sort of swooped in and stole away that big hunk of a military man from another girl.

I’m a home-wrecker, a succubus.

The girl, Mary, kept looking at me like I was a pariah and I didn’t understand why at first, but then I saw myself as she did – A slutty vixen. Honestly, it felt good and bad at the same time. Ultimately, I ended up feeling guilty for being liked. I just wanted to make friends, not boyfriends.

Sarah introduced me to Mary and John, and I naturally slipped into conversation with them. John, the hunky military man, took a liking to me and we chatted while Mary chatted with Sarah.

I had no idea Mary liked him – no clue. And I wasn’t even flirting. I was just being me.

John – “Melanie’s awesome! We need to invite her into our little group.”

Mary smiled and agreed.

Mary and John are members of an online meet-up group. Their meet-up group is not an online dating service where strangers hook up for a quick romantic tryst, no. I like to think of it as an instant friends group – just add beer and they fluff up to talk, or sing karaoke with you.

I never heard of this before and became interested to know more about it.

My ears perked up. Movie and karaoke?! Hell yes! She’s a cute girl, completely normal in every way – and fun to boot. I wondered why someone like her would need an instant friends group. And John is completely normal, a great talker. Why would he need instant friends? I’m assuming that these people like to drink. Alcohol plays a big part in their daily congregations.

Mary watched John and I talk. The more she watched, the drunker she became. She went to dance with Sarah and after five minutes came back to get John to dance. Unfortunately, it was bad timing because he was trying to find me on facebook.

John – “It won’t let me find you. I have bad service or something.”

Mary – “Come on and dance with us!”

John sat there staring into his phone, oblivious to Mary.

Me – “He’s trying to find me on facebook.”

She walks away. I was already making drama with my instant friends and it was only an hour into our relationship.

I asked John – “Is anything going on with you and Mary?”

He smiles big and says he’s completely single, but she has a crush on him.

Me – “Oh no, I’ve been talking to you for so long. She’s probably mad.”

John – “You’re awesome! I WANT to talk to you. Mary will understand.”

The bar starts closing, Sarah was talking to a random guy, Mary was clearly inebriated.

John – “I’m sending you the link to our group tomorrow.”

Mary – “All we do all day is have orgies. Day in day out, orgies.”

Me – “Noooooo…….”

I’m hoping no. I’m not judging anyone who has orgies, it’s just not my thing. I don’t think I could ever be the same after a group of people have their way with me.

Then Mary told John she thought he was weird, but she still liked him. Rule number one when trying to score with someone; NEVER say to them you think they’re weird. You can get away with calling your friends weird – that’s normal, but don’t call a guy you like, weird. Guys are looking to be around girls that can understand them.

I understand guys, I don’t know how or why, but I do.

Anyway, I don’t know about this instant friends thing. The idea is awesome, but I feel like I don’t have time. And I don’t want to get in the habit of drinking every night of the week as I’ve done so in the past.

Summer is making me nuts. I can’t concentrate, I can’t think straight. Guhhh, what the hells wrong with me? I’m so freaking tired.

I had a scare today while driving on the on-ramp to get on the highway. I had a heart palpitation. I used to get them all the time when I was younger, but never like this. It lasted for a few long seconds. There was a fluttering that felt like a butterfly got trapped inside one of my ventricles. I got dizzy, shortness of breath – I remained calm and calculated each symptom on severity. I tried to take in deep breaths.

One symptom that I never read about, or experienced, was a feeling of hot pressure emanating from my frontal lobe. Not a headache, but pressure. That frightened me the most. I thought about pulling over, but I was scared to indulge in my fright for fear it wouldn’t pass. As long as I continued like nothing was happening, I would be fine. Stopping would mean death. I looked to my neighboring car’s driving next to me so I can look for death clues like in the movie Final Destination. One truck had a rickety ladder rattling around in the back that could have easily slid off into my windshield, another car was missing that little door that covers the fuel tank – second time in one day I seen that.

Obviously, I made it home. I made it to subway to get a grinder and then drove home. I’m not looking up what my symptoms mean. Not today anyway.

I was probably dehydrated, and starved. My parents left the house to stay in Atlantic city for a few days, and me being me, I don’t exactly take care of myself when they’re away.

But I’m fine now, no worries. Just super tired.

Jeez it’s late, I didn’t even realize…..

My painting of the kung fu guy is turning out to look sloppy. The paper couldn’t handle the masking fluid, then being drenched and colored on with marker. It might be in shambles, but I’m still going to finish it. You never know.

I feel like lately I’ve been bombarded with a lot of guys asking for my digits. I’m guessing that’s where this drawing is coming from. But I’m to busy these days, really. I’m looking into taking classes in the spring for Chemistry and trigonometry at Naugatuck community college. In the meantime, I’ll stay productive by taking small classes that range from one week to four in Chemistry, calculus and trig at Gateway community college. They’re college prep classes and count as credit.

I think it will be fun. I know how crazy that sounds, but I’m looking forward to it. Maybe my excitement is what’s making my heart skip a beat.

Like this:

During my cleaning spree, I unknowingly placed 3 or 4 big hardcover Harry Potter books in the romance/relationship area of my bagua. Those of you who don’t know what a baqua is, it has to do with feng shui and that every area of your room and/or house corresponds with an area of your life. For instance, if you place a tv in your romance/relationship section, you will always be distracted in your relationships – always ‘tuning out’, or flipping channels sort of speak.

Lately I’ve been into Harry Potter – big time. Since I moved the books there, I bought all the Dvd’s on Amazon and now I’m watching them one after another consecutively. I know I should move the books, but I’m completely content with watching the movie’s and loving them as much as I do. I sort of want to keep the books there.

According to feng shui, the books are ultimately going to interfere with my love life, which is crazy because it already has in a way.

I was telling my friend, Christian, about going to see the last Harry Potter movie (Deathly Hollow’s part 2), and he told me he tried reading the first Harry Potter book but didn’t find it interesting because the writing was so bad.

“It was like I was reading something meant for a 10 year old, and then I was like, ‘oh yeah, it is for a 10 year old’!

Me – “I like the story. They’re so easy to read. Easy books to read are the hardest to write.”

And sadly that almost came between us. It’s crazy to think it, but the bagua is real. Bagua never lies.

I’ll move the books once I’m done watching the seventh movie.

It’s 2:32 am. I just got home from the Half Door in Hartford. I went there with a co-worker, but ended up talking with her friend, John, the whole night.

He’s a very interesting chap. He was a machine gunnist, infantry man in Afghanistan with some major life and death stories. It makes my little Harry Potter bagua debacle look like, well….stupid, to put it nicely.

He know’s my cousin whom I’ve never met. He met him on duty in Afghanistan and was one of his closest friends there. He told me that me and my cousin are so much alike that he can’t stop being reminded of him every time he looks at me.

My grandfather has a twin brother whom I’ve met for the first and last time two years ago. My long lost cousin probably came from him.

My family is weird at keeping track of each other. We sorta just go our separate ways.

I’m working on a new work of art masterpiece.

You can’t see it now, but it’s going to be a kung fu guy trying to stave off love using an umbrella. The love is represented by a bunch of hearts. I drew an outline of the kung fu guy, then painted him over with masking fluid so I can drench the paper in watercolor without getting any color on kung fu guy. Then I’m going to peel off the masking fluid and finish drawing the kung fu guy in black and white – much like what I did for the homeless man drawing. The loveless kung fu guy will be colorless, but being bombarded with colors in every direction.

It represent’s that sooner or later, love is gonna get ya.

Cheesy? Maybe. Okay, yes. Very.

Anyway, I think it will look cool. I started drawing him last night out of sheer boredom. I didn’t feel like watching tv, too tired to read a book. Drawing was my best alternative.

Like this:

A tachyon is a theoretical, highly unstable particle that has no mass and can move faster than the speed of light. It doesn’t fit well with general relativity, but goes along perfect with quantum mechanic’s.

I love theories like this! I mean just think about all the supernatural stuff that can finally be explained by science.

Everything is made up of energy. Our thought’s have a physical energetic presence. What if we create tachyon’s with our mind’s? When we say a prayer for someone, or get a feeling like something bad has happened, or is about to happen, are we giving and receiving tachyon’s?

Tachyon’s override the time (and space) demension, making them eternal. They carry with them imprints of our past, present and future.

I mean come on, is it just me or is this stuff cool?

I have other interest’s that go far beyond the scope of quantum theories. For instance, my love of funny vacation photo’s.

This couple pulled off along the highway for their scenic photo.

I laughed so hard when I first seen this pic. He looks so cool with his leg up.

I did it with charcoal and prismacolor marker’s. After I drew the homeless guy in charcoal, I went over him entirely with a light shade of grey – I bought a bunch of different shades of grey and used them for shadowing. If I didn’t go over him in grey marker, I would be able to smudge the charcoal easily with my finger, but the marker binds it to the paper like glue, making it all congeal and stick nicely. I never learned about this technique, I just happened to stumble upon it. It’s a nice little trick.

I’m at home laying in bed. I can’t write about my day, it will take too long. It alway’s takes me a long time to write down my daily shenanigans’. Maybe tomorrow if I have time.