A list of God’s least favorite things

#24 Dead Soldiers

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today is Memorial Day in the USA. Most Americans use this day to eat burgers and think about dead soldiers. I would also like to use today to think about dead soldiers…and how much I hate them!

Please! Before I go any further, don’t misunderstand Me. Just because I hate dead soldiers, in no way does this mean that I hate war.

On the contrary, I love war! It’s one of the best methods I have to punish and destroy nations I hate. I really need to hurry up and get a bunch more started soon. You know, when I think about all the blasphemous little brats I’ve killed in wars over the millennia, it warms My Heart. It’s just such a great way to kill more sinners and get them off to Hell for eternal torture.

Hmm, while I’m on the topic, I’d like to take a moment to mention a specific kind of soldier I especially like to make dead – the marines! Stupid jerks! Think they’re so tough!

Marine core drill instructors are always saying that I, the Lord Almighty, love the marines. RIDICULOUS!I HATE THE MARINES! They also claim that on the 8th day, I created the marines. BULLSHIT! They even go so far as to say that I’m a marine Myself. BLASPHEMY!

Let Me make this clear right now: there is nothing – and I mean nothing – I hate more than when people put words into My Holy Mouth. I assure you, anyone dumb enough to commit such sacrilege will be stricken dead where they stand!

So anyway, where the fuck was I? Yes, that’s right. I, The Almighty Lord, hate dead soldiers. Those stupid maggots make Me furious! Seriously, how hard is it to fight in a war and not get killed?

Haha – just kidding. It’s actually very easy for a soldier to die in a war. Especially when I hate them!

The simple truth is, if you ever participated in a war and got killed, it’s only because I hated you and wanted you dead. I don’t care how you died; whether you were decapitated by a Visigoth, were impaled by a French bayonet, or fell on a grenade to save the lives of your friends – I arranged those circumstances and put you there at that exact moment in time, because for whatever reason, I had come to hate you.

Private Montgomery, who got killed fighting the Zulu for her Majesty in 1879, I know you’re reading this right now in Hell’s computer lab and you’re wondering if you’re one of these dead soldiers I speak of. Yes! That’s right! I’m talking about you dung-for-brains! I hated you and your dreadful poetry writing, and I started that whole war just so I could kill you. And even though you are already dead and in Hell, I hate you still.

You know, come to think of it, I guess technically I don’t hate dead soldiers at all – I hate the previously alive soldiers! I love the dead ones! I love the fact that they’re dead and no longer around to piss Me off. I love Memorial Day!

Bridgette, why are you insulting His Holy Writing? Or maybe you’re complimenting Him for His awesome style of convoluted ass-kickery? Indeed, the almighty LORD is wicked-sick and there is no limit to His wickedness and/or general gnarly bad-ass ways.

You know what, “God”, all your previous posts were interesting and worth reading, but this. You made me go through all that. THIS IS DISTASTEFUL. The nerve. You better make up for this bull shit in your next post.

This should have come as no surprise at all. Were the three of you, like, in a coma during the early 90s? Did you ever hear of a little flick called “Universal Soldier”, starring Jean-Claude Van Damn? That’s my boy, by the way. I wrote the script for that one too, just to screw with The Old Man. I KNEW that nothing would get his panties in a bunch like the idea of soldiers that would just not die! Sure, it pissed him off and he went on a smiting rampage all over Mongolia during the opening weekend, but it was still worth it.

Hey, G! Wassap? It’s me, Lou!

You still owe me money. Better pay up or I’ll tell what really happened when I came across your boy in the desert. Don’t make a liar out of Matthew…

I find it funny how people are not expecting to be offended by a blog entitled “Stuff God Hates” Come on folks, it’s called sarcasm, and in my opinion, God takes it to a new level. Thanks God. or Thank God. Whichever pleases thee more.

Dean,
This is actually one of God’s better posts.
Ever since the act of war was created man has blessed both sides in the name of God. Even now the “terrorists” America fights believes God wants them too, and at the same time the US believes God is on there side. How can this be? How can God support both sides of a war? There can be only one answer; he wants people to die, hence the content of this blog.

When you read these posts, try to look past the first level. God is actually making commentary on our society and it’s missuse of God and the divine.

For example – Just over the weekend a pastor at a mega-church in Texas was caught trying to bang a 13 year old girl. I bet Bridgette didn’t go to his website and post a bunch of scriptures.

yeah, bridgette, don’t listen to the sinners. just listen to God because he is the only non-sinner in, like, the whole him-damned universe! (you’re stupid). don’t listen to the sinners because they are smarter than you. they might actually talk some sense into your feeble little brainwashed mind!!! fight the logic, bridgette!! fight your own reason!!! FIGHT IT!!!!!!!! (stupid).

is it offensive? no, stupid! it’s not about the soldiers…why are you so stupid? stupid. stupid. stupid. i wish i was a pious christian fatty so i could have god smite you for being so stupid.

“I’ll go to hell then.” -Huckleberry Finn. Also, make believe, but if you’re going to live your entire life by fairy tales, why pick one particular book? might as well be arbitrary.

yeah, it’s me; I’m bionicFAG, you know, you love me, since you created me?

I just wanted to say thank you for putting me in one of the most misunderstood, feared, hated groups on the planet. It’s amazing how much empathy, compassion and understanding are yours when others vilify you for things you didn’t choose. It also takes courage to admit to ourselves and others we belong with these people. Wow, I’m a lot deeper, more caring person than if I had grown up the person my parents thought I was.

I know, I know, every day I make “choices” but did you put that crazy idea in those breeders’ brains just to torment us gays more? Surely these breeders know they didn’t “choose” to be non-gay, right? It’s not like they woke up one morning, before choosing between Captain Crunch and Aunt Jemima then said “oh, you know what, I was thinking of being gay (just for business purposes (zappa)) but instead I’ll mow lawns this summer for money and keep the gay away, because my favorite color is blue, my favorite flavor is vanilla, and my only sex is non-gay.”

Or maybe they did and only the non-gay people are the world who get to choose. Cool irony. Thanks anyway.

About The Hol(e)y Blog: You know damned well that I (and Al Gore) created the Internet with the sole intent of proliferating my message of masturbation and anal sex. Why do You always have to rain on my parade?

maybe he plays dungeons and dragons…those people are weird. i don’t get them and that scares me. i say we don’t allow them to marry. hopefully, that will keep them from reproducing other D&D gamers. who’s in? well, i’m gonna go burn some crosses or something.

Hey…sorry, sweetheart, whoever you are, God is a figure of fogiveness and strength, not of bashing whatever military division your sorry ass didn’t qualify for.
How dare you speak for God the Almighty! I have no idea what happened to idiots like you when they die, but you can be sure I’ll be there, waving you ‘happy trails’ (or enternal hellfire, whatever).

Cooper,
“But I don’t find them as scary as the fundamentalist Muslims declaring Jihad on everything from the western culture.”

If you honestly think Muslim fundamentalist hate us and our freedoms….
If they hated freedom so much why not bomb Amsterdam, I hear they’re pretty Free over there with their legal hookers and drugs. If you think it’s western culture they hate, then visit Iraq, Pakistan, Iran etc and check out the video store. They love western culture. LOVE IT.

“I have no idea what happened to idiots like you when they die”
the first intellectually honest thing a religious person has posted on this blog yet.
it’s like a breath of fresh air…
i have no idea what happens to idiots like you, either, but i’m sure that when you all die off the world will be vastly improved.

honey blue, totally missed the point (unsurprisingly). no one is bashing the military. “How dare you speak for God the Almighty!” it’s funny how dumbasses like you warn against speaking in god’s name while telling other people what god thinks of them. why can’t you people grasp a concept as simple as irony?! what is wrong with you?!

wouldn’t it be silly of an omniscient god to create as the only alternative to hell a belief system which requires its followers to suspend all reason in order to reach heaven? wouldn’t god only be weeding out the smart people? what’s he going to do in paradise for all eternity with a bunch of halfwits? what kind of dinner conversation will that be?

Man Life suspects that god is secretly a liberal bed-wetter. Pro-war, of course, but anti-soldier? Man Life knows that god wouldn’t exist without his fleet of soldiers (Bridgett), and without soldiers his holy crusades would have been a posting on a bulletin board.

“it’s funny how dumbasses like you warn against speaking in god’s name while telling other people what god thinks of them.”

man, uppity cracka, that’s goddamn right. I think that may be the whole point of this blog. I can’t wait for more religious lunatics to come here, put words in God’s mouth and make fools of themselves.

Uppity: Great reply. And “halfwits” is such an outstanding word. It really applies to SO many people!…. Like republicans, grocery store clerks who aren’t nice to you, and women who drive really big SUV’s.

why don’t the religious people ever respond to the throwdowns? they just post some version of a scripture that they assume god wrote in english and then…nothing. if you’ve got the absolute truth, why can’t you stand up for it?

I never said they hated freedom! Don’t be a douchebag and put words in my mouth/reply. Nor did I say the countries like Iran, Iraq, Pakistan hate western culture, I was referring to Muslim Fundamentalists which make up a small fraction on the Muslims to begin with. How’s about next you read a comment take it as face value, and don’t assume more than what is there.

well, god, i usually find your blog pretty funny and enjoyable. but i feel this blog and the last one lack the biting satire of your other blogs, where you take good and accurate shots at some of the views of your followers. like your science one, that was a beauty!

I post whenever I get a spare moment to sit down, collect My Thoughts and just focus on My Therapy. Usually this is a Sunday, as this is My only fricking day off. I’ve been really busy lately – I always feel like I have to be everywhere at once you know?

Coop,
This last post was a logical argument while your previous post clearly stated that me + comments = douche bag, which is math. I took the first post at face value just like you suggested. But by all means continue with your name calling.

You are obviously not God and you are going to die a slow, painful death for saying things like this. I hope you realize your mistake in writing what you do before you die and repent because God does forgive–even creeps like you.

[…] You told everyone the truth; that the Iraq War is all part of My Divine Plan. And then you gutlessly backpedaled, as if suggesting that I would ever be in favor of a war was something crazy. It’s not crazy! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – I love creating new dead soldiers! […]

On this day, 21 September 2008, I, Smoggy Batzrubble of Noo Zillund, son of Mama Batzrubble (deceased in childbirth) and Papa Batzrubble (serial killer–executed), post this message in praise of Almighty God, the Omniscient, the Omnipotent, and the Fiercest SMITING Bastard in the universe, who has granted me a great victory in my contest with the Pagan Priestess Anne (spitting staples) Johnson.

For evidence to support my faith I refer you to “God on the Internet” postings 600 and 609.

Praise be to God. This message is posted on every thread in HIS honor.