A female perspective on the Autistic Spectrum, Mental Illness and everything else….

Tearful today.

I had one of those days where I was just emotional the whole day. I kept crying earlier. It probably didn’t help that I was cold turkeying on painkillers. I went to get some more because I can’t just run out and stay off them. I will have to slowly come off of them before I either go crazy or get withdrawal symptoms. Chemicals need to be balanced I’m extremely tired because I’m not sleeping at night properly. If I’m not doing anything I then sleep half of the day. It’s peaceful to avoid others half of the day. I also feel that catching up on things at night guarantees that no one is going to ring me, message me via social networks or email me (unless they are in another country) and I can catch up with things I have to do without being disturbed.

In all honesty, I just can’t deal with the world around me right now because it’s all too much. I hate being able to feel things. It’s horrible being able to feel bad things that are going to happen and not being able to do things about them. I’m finding this side of me harder to deal with as I get older. I know that as a society we could be doing more to avoid certain things but it frustrates me. I am a passionate person. This side gets me into trouble. I literally cry because I can feel others pain and it’s horrible when you want to take that away from someone else but you’re powerless to do so. I’m overly sensitive so sometimes I just want to be on my own. I am aware that this isn’t always an option all the time. I just need a break from everything.

It’s frustrating me that I cannot go the Gym because my knee is swelling again. I have my doctors appointment next week and I’m hoping that a more permanent solution to potentially cure it because I can barely do what I used to do. I used to go for a 2-hour walk daily and the Gym once to twice a week. I’ve gained weight and cannot afford to gain anymore because it’s going to put pressure on my knee and I’m short so I look dumpy after about 10 and a half stone. I’m 10 stone now. I’m only 5 ft 2 which means I’m at my BMI limit now. I’m not overweight but I’m on the borderline and I wouldn’t have this much weight on me if my knee hadn’t started playing up and making me not able to exercise without it swelling. It’s stiff and feels horrible to even walk on during everyday life things. It doesn’t normally last this long. I used to have to put up with it for a fortnight and then it would go back down to nearly it’s normal side (it’s never been the same as the other knee since I first injured it). I was grateful that I got my knee drained on my previous doctor’s appointment but I need the underlying cause dealt with and I won’t know what that is until it is examined further by tests or something. It’s not something that they can do in a GP appointment. If it wasn’t affecting my life so much I’d bare it but feeling so weighed down by not being able to do what I used to take for granted. I accept that as I age (like most people) there will be health issues that don’t go away as easily. I know it’s common for people to get dodgy knees etc that reoccur. But I can’t stand mine when it gets to the point where it feels like it’s strained and strangled. I’ve had it swelling up for at least 2 months now and usually, when the fluid is removed it doesn’t come back up again. I heard that it’s all downhill from 30 as a female, but this is ridiculous. It’s already had a knock-on effect in regards to my weight. I don’t want it to affect me hormonally because I have issues there too. That may be why I was crying today. I get emotional when I’m about to do that girly sh*t. I always have and it always coincides with times when I get into trouble. I must go because I have a lot of things to do.