Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
3418

Are You Ready for Some Football?
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says,
"Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says,
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be outdone, the wife rips another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"
Dan P.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
3419

New Anti-Aging Drug
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replieds, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying, "WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!" Nathaniel T.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
3420

Signs That You Drink Too Much
-You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
-You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
-Your job is interfering with your drinking.
-Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
-You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
-24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
-Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
-Every woman you see has an exact twin.
-You fall off the floor.
-Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner!
-The glass keeps missing your mouth.
-Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
-Mosquitoes catch a buzz after biting you.
-The whole bar says "hi" when you come in.
-"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
-You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
-"BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"
Keith L.

Thursday

Joke
N°
3421

Honesty
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer"?
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his sit and admitted, "He sued me for the money." Dwayne R.

Friday

Joke
N°
3422

Sandwich Shop
A man is walking down the street and he sees a sign that catches his eye:
"Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Handj*b: $10.00."
Intrigued, he walks inside the tavern and spots an exceptionally beautiful blonde woman behind the counter. He looks at her, and she smiles back, knowingly.
"Are you the one who gives the handj*bs?" he whispers.
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
He looks at her and responds: "Well then wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!" Vaughn

Saturday

Joke
N°
3423

Best Dad
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" Maurie R.

Sunday

Joke
N°
3424

You've Got Mail!
One day, a blonde girl was running out to check her mail and a neighbor was watching.
Five minutes later ,she checked it again. This happened all through the day until the neighbor went outside and stopped her and asked her why she kept looking in her mail box and her reply was:
"My computer keeps telling me I have mail!" Jennifer G.