Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Car-robot-killers take over Chicago! But not as much fun as it sounds.

When we were kids, we'd smash various toys together for fun. Then, we grew up. There seems to be little such hope for director Michael Bay and his never-ending Transformers saga (on loan from Hasbro Toys). The third iteration, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, is a two-and-a-half-hour mind-enema in which good, bad and good-bad robots from outer space clang into one another with alarming ferocity here on Earth. Coherency and plot are wholly secondary to the constant barrage of exploding giant-car parts and shrieking humans. Rendered in 3-D, should you choose to go full-on fury. Of note in this stew of cacophonous car-bot-fu:

The arthouse slummers: John Turturro, Frances McDormand and John Malkovich.

Every square inch of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. The leering camera didn't miss a fragment of this Victoria's Secret model.

The "dark side of the moon." Apparently this really exists, and isn't just some classic-rock fantasia.

Ken Jeong. Once again, brings the Asian-crazy and takes off his pants.

A cameo from astronaut Buzz Aldrin, lending this claptrap the undeserved imprimatur of a real hero.

The U.S. military fights back … with men dressed as flying squirrels. These graceful aerial warriors were never explained, but provided a welcome respite from the metal-and-ammo blast-o-rama.