Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Being There!

The most important promise in a relationship - 'I shall always be there for you.'

What is this Promise after all? When are the moments when you need to fulfill this promise? And How do you do that?

He was being nice. I knew I was cold."Look L, I can not have a conversation with a person who just does not say anything.""Fine. Then let us just end it.""What is wrong with you? Why are you talking like this?""Talking like what?""L...""Look G, I do not want to talk. We will talk later.""What is it? Tell me. When did our relationship reach at a level when you would talk of breaking up? What have I done? Please tell me."I sob. And sob. And cry endlessly. Having a two hour conversation where I tell him about how I do not get to talk much because either I am interrupted or the conversation ends before I start talking. I say a hell lot of other things. Things I do not remember. Things that made no sense. Things I regret saying. Things that were irrelevant. Things I did not mean. Things which were important. Things which had to be talked about.

I was unhappy. Upset. I was not feeling good for over two weeks because of myself. I think I was guilty about something. I think I was cheating someone I love. I think I was not loving myself at all. I was not being that part of me, which I was most proud of. I was plain unsatisfied and unhappy. It was killing me from inside. I needed a friend desperately. I wanted to hug Aj and K and talk. Just be with K and have fun. Wanted to forget everything with her.

G thought it had something to do with our relationship. He went on and on about how he or the relationship maybe responsible to make me feel like that. I hung up more times than I had decided. This constant rant about him or the relationship made me feel worst. I did not know how to explain I AM UNHAPPY BECAUSE OF REASONS I DO NOT KNOW OF. I JUST NEED YOU TO BE THERE. He insisted he was. He always was. He still is. But I wanted more of him. Something he did not understand. I decided to kill the ego and explain "G. I know you are there but if I am asking you to be there for me means I need more of you. I need an assurance. I need to be reminded. I need to feel that 'Yes! You are there'. I need you to hold me. I need you to tell me 'L, Whatever it is. I am there with you. It will pass. I will be through all of this with you. Holding you tight.' I know all of this. I know this is a phase. I know you are there. But knowing by myself does not seem enough. I really want you to act like being there."And then came his response to a speech, a sobbing explanation that was longer than it appears here, "Okay".

I laughed my ass off. It was so funny. I could not help but laugh. ALL he had to say to all the sobbing begging and emotional outburst was an O.K.. I could not believe my ears. I told him, "You make me feel like a loser bitch begging for something she deserves." I also told him, "I thought you would be a friend but ..." And he said, "I am. When I can sit hear and understand my ex then it is definite that I can understand and I would make the effort to understand you better." I know I said allot of nasty things to him. I regret bringing up 'break up'. I hated myself at that moment. Wanted to slap and punish myself for saying that.

We hung up after that 'O.K.'. Yes, I gave up. Ten million call backs had already made me feel I was important. He wanted to sleep over it. I did not. I had slept over it enough. I guess somewhere I had given up the hope of him understanding my state. Something that hurts, but I understood. I explained myself that I am hurting myself with too many expectations. Sometimes somethings are really beyond a man's understanding. Women are complicated. They are difficult to understand. They are difficult to handle.

We did go to sleep. At least before we slept, he assured me that he loves me. Though I was still craving for a hug from him. If he had said that, it would have ended all matters there and then.

The next day we talk. I was confused. I had not said even a single 'I Love you' last night. I wanted to now. And I sent a simple mail. Switched off the phone. But could not stay that way for too long. He called immediately. We spoke. I was not too good yet he tried. He asked if I wanted to talk about last night. I refused. I decided to give it up and at least try to let go off it. I had issues with myself. Why was I turning this into bigger issues in my relationship? He tried. He tried very hard. I had to smile. I had to apologize for my behavior last night. He apologized too for 'not being there'. We smiled. Laughed. Joked. I begged again, 'At least give me a hug. I have been wanting one for so long.' 'You know L, I am not a hug person.' 'But I am.' 'OK. Take a big hug.' That was enough. It solved the matter between us. I reconciled with myself gradually too.

Lesson learned - Do not expect your man to understand you all the time. Specially if you have not told him what is bothering you because he is too dumb to 'assume' (understand by himself). :P

It was like God conspired to make me think and understand the value of 'being there'. I meet a friend on the same day. She wants her guy 'to be with her' but he probably does not want to. He is too busy. She needs him but does not ask him to be there because she does not want to bother him. She blames herself of being too demanding. It made me think. Was she right? Is blaming yourself of being too demanding when you need the person you love is the right thing to do? Is asking somebody to just assure them of their presence too much to ask?

This one is an online one. Same day. I had one of the weirdest conversations with this one. He was depressed. Wanted to talk. Needed a friend 'to be there' and hear him. I said I was. But he refused on the grounds that I was not a 'real person'. Accused me of being a 'desktop icon'. I was not capable of 'being there' only because he did not know my real name and location. I argued he knew me more than anyone in this world. Anyone who reads my blog knows me more than anyone else in my life. My readers probably know me more than I know them. And knowing a person matters more than knowing the basic information about them. But he chose to remain in his depressed world despite the offer from a 'computer generated chatting software'. I was too 'unreal' to be a friend, for him.

Yes, it had hurt. It had hurt to know I was being considered unreal in a place I am most real. It made me think how 'being there' is a hard job to do. People need people at a time when they are going into a shell of depression and unhappiness. That shell blocks all your thinking power and you refuse whatever help is coming your way. You act difficult in accepting the person who is willing 'to be there for you'. You hurt the same person and lose them forever. You become what you had dreaded - Lonely.

G spent days making me smile, laugh, just 'being there'. He said, "I want to make up for those days when I did not know you wanted more of me."

Thank you God. Thank you for giving me a man for whom everything about me is important. Thank you! Thank you for that every person in my life whom I love and who love me. Thank you for being nice to me. Please forgive me for the times I have tried cheating on you. For the times I have cheated on myself and the people I love. I am sorry to have hurt anyone on this planet. Forgive me for not being nice to others and myself. Help me not to repeat these mistakes. Help me to get back to what I was. I want to be free. I want to be me, again. I Love you God. I Love you G. Thank you for the friends in my life. You send them closer to me when I need them. (Aj and K are coming to town. :D) Thank you for the family that loves and cares for me more than themselves. Thank you for these patient blogger friends. Thank you for the beautiful life you have given me. I do not want to be unhappy and show ingratitude for the gorgeous life you have gifted me. Thank you! I can never Thank you enough, yet Thank you once again. Hugs. (Imagining God hugging you is the most comforting feeling.) :)

34 comments:

its damn frustrating when we have no idea why we are so down!! and true, all the i also needed then was a simple kiss .. the way you needed a simple loving hug.. these small things make a world of difference...

sometimes when words are not enough... just kiss...

--

being there is the most important thing.... i mean.. thats the only thing you can expect..something you can take for granted from your boyfriend or girlfriend..true there are times when a person cannot be there.. thats when we need to be stronger and understanding (i am telling this to myself too, i need to be understanding more than anyone!!)

--

shit you brought up break up! heheheheh mad girl..even G knows you never meant itand were just going mad then. in my last fight.. he brought up the word "rethink" and i almost pissed lol.. i was like what rethink!!!!!!!!!! shut up! ok ok chill, i will be an angel. lets sleep now!!!!!!

he said "you are making me rethink if my decision to go all the way was right because you are always upset with me!!". that was a zor ka jhatka.

---

about your Friend1 : she is not wrong in demanding.. not at all... its her right as his girl to demand!! all women do and we always will.but she should not blame herself..

about friend2: totally agree...you dont need to know a person by name or whatever to KNOW the person...

i dont know your real name! but just by reading and commenting on each others blogs...we are being there for each other. its easier for me to share things with my blogger friends ..

wish ur friend gets better

--

Lesson learned - Do not expect your man to understand you all the time. Specially if you have not told him what is bothering you because he is too dumb to 'assume' (understand by himself). :P

yeaaah...how can we expect them to read our minds.. when even we dont know WHY exactly we are so messed up at times..

Wow....as i guy i learnt more about handling my partner from that one post than my 5 year relationship had taught me. Love your writing style...and i really have to thank god for running into your post.

ohh havent i heard him bullshit so much with that 'i will be there for you''oh i love you so much'.. 'oh i wish i would have married you'.. oh this ohh that...i think i m being ultra sensitive lately.i miss that jerk a lot, and now knowing his wife is still being the fool and lettin him take his so called work trips... i m just hoping she doesnt trace his screw ups back to me, cuz i have nothin to do with him who once was always there and now never is... grrr!!!

Lesson learned - Do not expect your man to understand you all the time. Specially if you have not told him what is bothering you because he is too dumb to 'assume' - i wish every girl learns tht lesson :P

Point taken.....but i would say this lack of space and plenty of expectation is true for both ends.......and sometimes, you are just plain unlucky......anyways, a brilliantly written post and will definitely visit more often!!!

True true true true very true......my guy never tries to understand how I feel or what I want and in the end, when I give in and tell him in clear terms, he blames me for not having 'told' him about it....

I used to think my guy's the dumbest guy in the whole Universe.

Thanks. I don't now blame myself for not having found all-that-right person for myself