Topics - Widdiful Falling

After many months, and nerves, and good times, and fun, I've recently been promoted to gokyu, or blue belt, in aikido. My senseis said I tested excellently, and I really have them to thank, for taking the time out to work with me.

I'm also really, really proud of myself, because before I started aikido, I could barely put my socks on without falling over! I worked really hard to get to this point, and I'm proud of myself for coming such a long way. My IC is rejoicing. All the times I let her out to have fun paid off!

In lieu of a family to celebrate this with, I want to share this moment with you. Without you, I doubt I could have made it this far. Domo arigatou gozaimasu to all of you!

My lovely and dear friend has been sharing her tools for recovery with me, and I would like to pass them along to everyone here.

Tool #1:When you're feeling anxious about a particular event, construct a personal narrative that goes beyond completing your goal. Include how you feel now, how you will feel during your task, and how you will feel afterwards. It doesn't have to be profound, or even in a spoken language.

Tool #2:When you don't know what you want out of life, and can't figure out what to do next, sometimes it helps to break it down. Think of an inspiring (not necessarily good) moment in your life. Then answer these questions about it: Where are you? What would you like to achieve? How can you achieve it? Don't worry if you can't answer every question. Do this with as many moments of inspiration as you can.

Both of these tools have helped me, although the second one is wearisome, and should only be undertaken if you know where your limits are. What I like about them is that they can be used at times when writing in a journal, or otherwise expressing emotion is impractical.

I recently qualified for health insurance through my place of work, something I haven't had since I was 14. I need to go about finding a GP, but I honestly have no idea where to start. My health plan came with a list of doctors, but I can't find profiles online like I could when I was looking for a psychiatrist, and I find it a terrifying prospect to pick someone blindly, entrust them with my body, and hope for the best.

How did you guys select a GP? Is there anything I should look for in particular? Why do there seem to be so many different types of primary care physician? Am I looking for an internalist, a family doctor, or some other type I don't know of? What are warning signs that will tell me if my doctor can't be trusted? How do you guys get over your fear of going? It's terrifying for me to consider being touched and prodded by someone I just met.

I feel so overwhelmed by this. I keep thinking, it should be so simple. But I feel like I'm going in blind, and that's not comfortable no matter how simple the situation.

I always forget to talk to my T about things during my visit, and then smack myself upside the head afterwards. I could write it down in a notebook, but I get my best ideas for topics when I'm talking to my friends. So feel free to add your own list of things you'd like to speak to a T about, or comment on mine. Thanks for helping out!

My List

Why it feels as though there is a battle going on inside of me, between two opposing forces, one trying to drag me down into the mires of depression, and the other that can actually look at the world without cringing, and find the beauty in it.

Family roles

Guilt because of conditioning (Every time I mess up, I punish myself. I'm like a house elf. ) ((Poor Dobby ))

The outlook on life of the average person my age

What inhibits me from being friendly when I'm not smashed (I made friends with an entire bar this weekend. Apparently. They all know my name, but I don't remember much... )

Anyone else ever had one of those times when your anxiety spikes, and you just want to rage at everything until you calm down? I'm having one of those couple days.

I opened up to my roommate yesterday about just how terrifying it was to grow up with my M. He was appalled. It helped a lot, because I was having one of those moments when I thought it was all in my head, and nothing that bad happened. Now, I'm quite sure again that what I went through was quite traumatic, and I'm angry. How could someone try to destroy their child like that, in the name of love, of all things?

I don't have any outlet for my rage right now (I'm at work), so I'm being prickly. I'm trying not to be, but I really want to curl up in the dark and I'm sure it shows.

I haven't been around lately, because although you guys are wonderful and supportive, I get triggered a lot here. With the stress of work being busy again, I couldn't really deal with it. I could barely deal with work! Then, August came around. It's not a good month for me. There are a lot of bad memories, and a lot of anniversaries. But it's almost over, and I think I can deal, so here I am. I missed you guys.

This story is going to involve (legal) substance abuse, sexual overtones, and bad choices.

I got stupidly drunk last night. I mean, full-on blackout, telling strangers I love you, "this bar is the greatest place in the world! WOOHOO!!" drunk. I was with a couple friends, and having a good time, when I guess (I don't remember) I decided to kiss one of them (we'll call him D), because I thought he was adorable. I'm in a long-term relationship with someone else, though. D and my other friend walked me home, and (I remember this part) I was hanging on to D for balance while I walked, and he groped me. I was too drunk to care at the time, but in the morning, I messaged him to let him know that I'm not okay with him touching me like that. That's when he told me I kissed him.

I told my bf what happened, and he said he doesn't care. He brought it up again later in the day, though, at an odd time, which makes me think he's lying. We have a pretty open relationship, in all honesty, but we always discuss it first if we're going to do something sexual with a different partner.

I feel super guilty, ashamed, and anxious about the whole thing. I'm having a small panic attack just thinking about it. What if my bf is lying to me about not caring? What if he really doesn't care, and the reason is because he doesn't care about me? I feel really bad for confusing D, too. Despite my open relationship, and that it was only a kiss, I feel like a tart; like wanting to kiss someone I'm not in a relationship with is bad.

I haven't been asked to take any, but if I were, I would probably turn down the chance to take any psychiatric medication. It doesn't make sense, given that I've experimented with illicit drugs and alcohol, but with those, I've always made sure their lasting effects are minimal. Psychiatric meds alter brain chemistry waaay too much for me to want to mess with them. In fact, I think that if I were to start anti-anxiety medication, my anxiety might worsen for having to take them!

Anyone else feel the same way? Are my fears founded or unfounded in your experience?

Well, I was finally mindful enough to catch an EF before I turned into a wreck. Here's what my mother has to say about me:

I post too much about myself. I don't communicate perfectly. I don't post enough. No one here thinks I actually care about them, and so they don't care about me. I don't deserve support or validation. Sharing my successes is akin to bragging. I must always have some ulterior motive. I'm not seeking validation, I'm an attention-seeker who makes things out to be worse than what they are. Drama queen. B*tch without a reason. Useless. I don't help others enough. How dare I ask impolitely for help. I must show utmost courtesy and gratitude toward everyone who tries to help. Otherwise, no one will help me. I must give them everything, even if it burns me out.

I've been burnt out for such a long time that I just learned to function around it.

I am tired. Generally, when people are tired, they need sleep. Not me. If I'm tired, it's because I'm lazy and useless. How dare I sleep when there is so much to be done? I must exhaust myself before I deserve to sleep.

The same when I'm hungry. I don't really need that food until I'm well on my way to passing out.

I don't think normal people feel this way. In this way, I feel like I am an extension of my M. I keep applying her philosophies to my life, and until I stop, she will live on.

I was really confused the other day when I said I was tired, and even though we had things to do, my SO suggested I sleep. I protested, because who sleeps with things left to do? My SO said that doing things can wait, because if I'm tired, I clearly need sleep. I realized that tiredness is my body's way of telling me to sleep, not a sign that I am lazy. In fact, I bet that if I slept every time I was tired, my productivity would increase, if anything.

I am also trying to wrap my head around crying as a healthy self-expression rather than as a sign of weakness and lack of control. I want to get to the point where it's not shameful for me to be seen with tears in my eyes. I've always been told by M that I'm ugly when I cry, so I try not to inflict my ugliness upon other people.

My first appointment was today. I was scared and anxious at first, especially because I had trouble finding the place, and was late. But the T was very understanding. I told her my life story, and she said I show remarkable emotional resilience. First time anyone has ever said that to me. It went really well, I thought. I like her. She seems intelligent, but not overbearing. She helped me put words to how I felt to understand it more. I cried a lot, and started getting shaky toward the end. I'm trying to not think of it as embarrassing.

I was just thinking about how peaceful my life feels since I moved away from my family at 18. One of the biggest changes is that I know I don't have to keep a mental inventory of all of my mistakes, and try to keep them from coming to light. I don't have to worry about coming home and finding my M read my journal. I'm allowed to make mistakes (and journal!) without everything blowing up in my face, because I'm not so bad of a person that I would do something to deliberately hurt someone.

I think that having to keep that mental inventory led to the creation of the ICr. In a way, it protected me. I think I now really realize how superfluous it is in my current life. I don't need protection like that from my mistakes, because I've surrounded myself with people who won't emotionally abandon me for being human.