Many women wonder how they didn’t know about their husband’s pornography use, masturbation, or infidelity. They may wonder how their husband was able to hide it so well.

The answer is gaslighting, lying, and manipulation. Gaslighting is the main tactic that they use. For more information on what gaslighting is, read here.

Coach Sarah, a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coach, says that everyone has gaslighted, usually unknowingly. There are several reasons that we gaslight.

4 Reasons For Gaslighting

Lack of self-awareness

Shame response

Self-protection

Poor communication

Since most people gaslight, unknowingly, it’s important to know the particular reasons why an addict will gaslight.

The Reasons Addicts Are More Prone To Gaslight

Knowing the reasons an addict needs to gaslight can help you identify it. If an addict is acting out, they are more likely to gaslight.

Coach Sarah talks about why addicts are more prone to gaslighting. She says, “When we look at basic components of what is involved in addiction, we look at a few key things.”

3 Reasons An Addict Needs To Gaslight

Addicts are numbing their feelings with their “drug of choice.”

Addicts act outside of their beliefs and morals, which reinforces their shame center.

Addicts, in active addiction, have a need to keep their behaviors secret/hidden, so that they can continue to feed their addiction.

When an addict gaslights, they are usually using one of four tactics.

4 Tactics Addicts Use To Gaslight

Redirecting Responsibility- If an addict can place responsibility on you, it lessens their shame and guilt and allows them to justify their behavior.

Discrediting your reality- If an addict can get you to disbelieve what you know to be true, then he can continue to hide his behavior.

Saying you need or dismissing your professional help- This is part of discrediting your reality. If an addict can get you to believe that you are the one who needs help, he can continue in his behavior.

Highlighting and criticizing YOUR character flaws- An addict will try to get you to believe that there is nothing wrong with them. You are the one that is flawed. This also allows them to justify their behavior.

Knowing the tactics that addicts use, will help you to identify when they are gaslighting.

How to Spot Gaslighting

It’s also important to recognize when it is happening, in the moment it is happening, so you can put a stop to it.

Coach Sarah says, “I think the first step is being able to realize when one of three things is happening.”

3 Ways To Spot Gaslighting

(One or all of these could be happening when you are being gaslighted.)

You’re confused—things don’t make sense

Things get flip-flopped and the other person plays the victim in the situation—you are getting blamed for things that aren’t your responsibility

Any time you are told your feelings aren’t “right” or “okay”, etc.

Understanding gaslighting can help you determine your reality. Once you can recognize it, you can set a boundary around gaslighting. Recognizing gaslighting will help you know when to enforce your boundary. For more information on boundaries, read here.

Betrayal Trauma Recovery also offers Group Sessions. To sign up for a Group Session, click here.

Full Transcript:

Coach Sarah will be educating us about gaslighting tactics today! Welcome, Coach Sarah!

Our Betrayal Trauma Recovery coaches will help you discover your husband's gaslighting and teach you how to deal with it.

Coach Sarah is Certified Betrayal Trauma Specialist and an expert in helping women find safety in when faced with gaslighting in their relationships. Click here to register for her group Detecting & Confronting Gaslighting.

Coach Sarah: Thank you, Anne! I’m glad to be here with you today!

Anne: Coach Sarah, has everyone gaslighted at one time or another in their life? Why do we, as humans, gaslight sometimes?

Why Are People Gaslighting?

Coach Sarah: Yes, I believe everyone has gaslighted someone at one time or another in their life. Those of us who gaslight unknowingly usually do so for a few reasons (or a combination): out of an unawareness of how we’re really feeling; a shame response; a defensive response (like self-protection); or a lack of good communication.

For example, the mom who tells her son that he likes salad, when he clearly does not, is not aware/in touch with the feeling of being weary of her son complaining about the food that she makes.

She doesn’t want to hear another complaint, so she desperately says, “C’mon, you like salad.” The mom is trying to get her son to feel a certain way about the salad.

A non-gaslighting exchange would be something like: “Son, I know salad isn’t your favorite, but it really hurts my feelings when I work hard to make you healthy food and you complain. Even if you’re not excited about eating the salad, could you please not complain? Thank you.”

What Are The Reasons Addicts Are Prone To Gaslighting?

Well, when we look at basic components of what is involved in addiction, we look at a few key things:

People numbing feelings with their “drug of choice”

People who act outside of their beliefs and morals, which reinforces their shame center

People who are in active addiction have a need to keep their behaviors secret/hidden, so that they can continue to feed their addiction

So, if someone comes to me and asks if I’m angry, and I’ve numbed out my feelings, I am very likely to tell them they’re wrong (even though they are correct); add in the shame center, and I’d likely turn it back around on them and tell them that they’re the one that is angry.

If I’m in active addiction, and someone comes to me saying they feel like I’m distant (and I am, because I’m acting out), I’ll likely tell them they’re imagining things, so that they doubt their reality, and stop looking into my behaviors.

What Are The Gaslighting Tactics That Pornography/Sexual Addicts Use?

I don’t think they use different tactics than other people who gaslight, but I do think the way the tactics sound/are used can be specific to their pornography use/sexual acting out. To start, there are four main tactics people use to gaslight:

Redirecting responsibility

Discrediting your reality

Saying you need or dismissing your psychiatric/coaching/12-step help

Highlighting and criticizing your character flaws

These tactics often overlap.

4 Examples of Gaslighting

For example, let’s say you’re out to dinner with your husband, and he’s flirting and staring inappropriately at the attractive woman that is your server. You make a comment about how you feel like he’s behaving inappropriately with this woman, and it hurts you and makes you feel like you are not important to him. His response:

“I am not doing anything inappropriate" (discrediting your reality).

"If you weren’t so insecure, you’d be able to see that you’re completely over-reacting" (highlighting and criticizing your character flaws).

"Besides, if I did flirt with her, it’s because you’re over there complaining and being cold towards me" (redirecting responsibility).

"This is just something your therapist made up - did she tell you I'm not allowed to talk to anyone but you?" (dismissing your therapist).

To our listeners, what types of gaslighting have you experienced? Please comment on this post at the way bottom. How has gaslighting affected you?

What Is The First Step To Spotting Gaslighting When It Happens?

Coach Sarah: I think the first step is being able to realize when one of three things is happening:

You’re confused - things don’t make sense

Things get flip-flopped and the other person plays the victim in the situation - you are getting blamed for things that aren’t your responsibility

Any time you are told your feelings aren’t “right” or “okay”, etc.

Anne: As a Coach, how to you help women establish emotional safety in their home, so they don’t experience this type of manipulation and abuse anymore?

Coach Sarah: Honestly, Anne, this is a long process. The absolute first thing I do with my clients is help them to get reconnected to their reality and truth by validating their experiences and feelings. Often, they don’t get this at all in their marriage.

As they begin to get reconnected to themselves, I begin to teach them how to identify the different aspects of gaslighting, so that they can put boundaries in place to protect themselves. I also help them brainstorm ways they can respond/engage when they realize their spouse is trying to gaslight them.

Finally, I give them a space to practice using their voice, so that it grows strong and they are empowered to use it with their gaslighter.

To schedule a call with Coach Sarah or any one of our amazing BTR coaches, click here.

Again, we need your donations. Your donations go to helping women who are isolated find us and give them hope. We appreciate all our amazing donors and ask that you, too, will donate to enable us to continue to provide this podcast and other helpful resources.

We're here for you. Until next week, stay safe out there!

Related Posts

5 Comments

M. A. S. on April 25, 2017 at 8:55 pm

Wow! This article is such a God-send and answer to prayers. I can’t thank you enough for writing this and making it available! My husband does exactly this which, until I read your article, was very confusing and hurtful to me. My feelings don’t matter or are invalid. Everything is my fault. My reality isn’t real. He is highly manipulative and quickly turns things around to avoid responsibility. (Sometimes I ask him what color the clouds are in his world!) I feel so much better now that I can label this and identify what has been happening. It has given me strength to know that I am not going crazy. Thank you so much!

We’ve been in a few years of recovery now, and I can say gaslighting happened.It was very subtle. I would say " I want to talk to you. Have a conversation." When he was in active addiction, ( I had no clue, but can now look back and identify times he gaslights me.) he would get so angry, and stand in front of me and say "I am talking to you! What do you call this?"I’d feel confused, and so upset. Not understanding why he didn’t want to connect and just talk to me. Now I know the unkind tone and words were from shame of acting out.

I just wrote a comment, but some how I deleted it. This is the first time after learning about gas-lighting in Oct. 2014, after my then husband left me accusing me of domestic violence that he’d been committing himself with me during the 6 months we were together until the divorce in Sept. of 2015. I’m sure that he had an addiction to pornography because everything was how it’s described when someone has a pornography addiction. He was gas-lighting me from the time we were dating clear to the end. I was so surprised to see this article and at the same time very grateful because it puts more of the pieces of the puzzle together for me when it comes to my family where my father has/had and addiction all these years and I didn’t understand so many things that happened or were said, or I felt like I was a scapegoat (because of my hearing loss(?)) to take away any attention to what my father was doing, despite living or trying to live the Gospel principles. I have just recently found out that my brother’s marriage was destroyed by a pornography addiction also. It saddens me so. I’m not sure what to think that the men that are closest to me have this problem and then it brings me to thoughts of a dynamic that I don’t like and am, if I am to continue a relationship with my parents and brother and sisters, that I am supposed to tolerate no matter, but don’t know how to do that. Thank you for this article. I may share it with my mother, but that may cause problems since she prefers to keep it under the carpet.

I saw a naked woman in my boyfriends photos. I took him outside to confront him privately and while I pushed him out the door he deleted the photo. He pulled up another more tame photo and told me this was why I was freaking out and to “oh my G** calm down”,(he never swears). I wasn’t freaking out until he showed me the fake photo. I knew what I saw. I snatched the photo from his hands and went into his deleted photos folder. His face turned white. Later he had a whole story about how this was a girl he dated and his buddies sent the photo to him. Somehow the conversation ended with me feeling guilty and asking for forgiveness. I dated him for 2 more years. Three years in total where he cheated repeatedly and we had many similar instances. I realized he’s a liar and walked away. I’m happy without him, work with him regularly and have no ill will. I just hope he comes clean and finds help someday.