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[Mis] Diagnosis

I've been keeping a secret for about three months now. When I switched Therapists in December it was for a reason out of my control. It wasn't my choice and it's something I have not talked about to many people (or anyone, really). I have recently just finished processing the change, after speaking it out loud in a safe setting. I am very scared to write this and put it out there, but I need to be vulnerable, so here goes.

The week before Thanksgiving at my therapy session, my therapist took out the DSM-5 when I sat down in his office and in many more words than I can recall or care to type, told me he had been thinking about me and my progress (or lack there of) with him, and how he started doing some "research". He asked if I knew anything about Borderline Personality Disorder. I replied that I didn't know a whole lot (although I had read a pretty lengthy memoir about it last summer) but had an idea of the basics. He asked if I felt comfortable going through the diagnostic criteria to see if I could relate to any of it. I agreed to do so. I could relate to most of the traits for sure (I've learned now that most of the population can relate to them at some point in life) and I told him that. This lead to him telling me he believed I had BPD, not anxiety, not depression, not social anxiety, not anything I had been seeing him for. As it turned out BPD was also a diagnosis he was unfamiliar with and he told me he could no longer treat me. He suggested I get a full psychiatric evaluation done and referred me to some different providers. He shattered me. I was broken for months. I went a week or two later and got the evaluation done. The person who did the evaluation had no reason to believe I had Borderline Personality Disorder. She referred me to the provider who lived in my area of town for a follow up a month later. He also had no reason to believe I had this new diagnosis, and reassured me that I do not have BPD, I simply had some traits, and other unresolved issues that could make someone who didn't REALLY know about BPD believe that's what was going on. In between all of this I did start seeing my current therapist and it took us a lot of time to work through this "break up". I will never forget sitting in his office, tears streaming down my face begging him not to abandon me. Telling him I wasn't strong enough to start over with someone else. Crying in my car after the session, thinking "Now what in the hell do I do?" Trying to take in all of this information. Trying to figure out the next step. Give up? That's what I wanted to do. In the next few days I started doing a lot of research about Borderline, and it slowly started becoming clear to me that this was NOT what I have. I function way too well to have an intense diagnosis such as BPD. I had my doubts, of course, but I now 100 percent believe that I do not need to worry about being identified as Borderline. When my new doctor started asking me questions to figure out what to use as a diagnosis I was very, very guarded and reluctant to answer or agree. I was blunt and told him the last time I agreed to anything I ended up with Borderline Personality Disorder. He assured me this was for insurance purposes and to help determine the direction of our work. He gave me Adjustment Disorder with some attachment style related issues.

I'm still kind of trying to wade through all of this and figure out what it all means. What unresolved issues have I buried so deep down that they are affecting my life in nearly every aspect? What level of personal development am I on and where do I need to be? How do I increase my self esteem with relying very little on outside resources, and build that intrinsic motivation to keep moving forward with all of this even when it gets hard and I want to say fuck everything and give up.

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