These recent “relapse poems” were written while I was in active drinking/using. I’m feeling much better today. I did not lose all I learned in the one year, three months, and five days I was clean/sober. I have to start the counter again… But I’ve learned so much. Thanks for reading guys. Much love.

I remember when,
I was trying to stop dying.
I remember when,
I could not stop the crying.
I remember when,
I thought I’d never quit hurting.
I remember when,
I lost my shield for life’s sting.
I remember when,
Hope was strange and fleeting.
I remember when,
Nothing stopped the bleeding.

It pains me to see people brand new in sobriety,
Emotions twisted and unsettling.
Fear the dominant reality,
Pain unrelenting.

Trying to grasp onto some semblance of sanity,
Hearing muffled voices, not clear on what they’re saying.
Told to hold on and just not pick up today,
Fighting the constant pull to flee, reluctantly staying.

Believing I’d never be happy again,
Saturated in a self pity that despised the smiling.
Wondering how I’d ever Learn to live,
Without something to numb what I was feeling…

I saw me today.
Back in January of last year.
And I wanted to put her in my pocket,
To wipe her abundant tears.
I didn’t buy fully the things people said back then,
Their promises were pipe dreams to me.
I struggled each second for new breath,
Tormented by a darkness all consuming.

But,
The promises proved not to be lies,
If only she too can believe.
My heart still hurts for her,
I pray God can work through me…

One of my talented blogger friends (http://mcfcwolf.wordpress.com) read and liked this poem earlier- and I noticed he was the first to read it. I posted it during my blog’s infancy- figure I will repost to give it a chance to be heard. Some of you may know I’m now a little over a year clean/sober. This poem was written when I was trying to get clean before I relapsed one last time to finally quit on January 5, 2013… A little darker than some of my stuff, but some may be able to relate. Thanks for reading!

My mind is spinning spider webs in a dark and, crowded room
While it is imprisoned and overtaken by a restless state of doom
My warrior protectors have disappeared and I’ve been left alone
As the world slithers around me, and I don’t feel safe in my home

The feelings within bring to the surface only negativity
Which, if my mind wasn’t racing so, I could extinguish with sleep
Yet I remain awake while my world and body physically shake
And I’m forced, when confronted by “mysterious sounds and visuals”, to stay awake

I once was able to escape from this torture with a mixed cocktail created by me
But I find myself now adrift, upon a restless, wild and deep ocean- called early sobriety
Thoughts, thoughts bumping into each other as they race to a nonexistent finish Around in circles my head goes, I just wish this incessant static…

The illusory sense of peaceI once so craved and desiredMelted away into pools of necessityWith painted emotions and scribbled smiles

On the last day I used…January fourth two thousand thirteenI knew my options were to quit or dieA choice terribly hard for me

Death or life without chemical alterationFinally live free from addictions’ chainsA decision perhaps simple for someBut I was terrified I’d fail at trying to change

I did choose life, leaping forward in faithHolding only to a desperate desireI’d failed many times beforeAlthough my needs were always dire

I dwelled in a dark abyss of my designAn abyss filled with a raging seaKept afloat by drink or drugThe very same which tried to drown me

I quit… I was angry, afraid, in pain, and shakingSick and weak, unstable in mind and emotionsGrasping to something I couldn’t seeHopeless, alone, worn and broken

In time things improved, I began to let goOf the grip I held destructively tight I became willing to get the help I neededAnd gradually saw hope in sight

I had an AA sponsor by thenCynthia, The helper I came to knowAddiction treatment and meetingsBegan revealing alternatives to sorrow

I opened up to God, my higher powerI sought diligently to know Him once moreI learned belief was insufficientMy faith had to be restored

My abyss began filling the moment I stopped diggingEventually I grabbed outstretched handsThe raging sea became an ocean of soft swellsAnd at that time healing began

One year later, far removed from that darknessI reflect upon the trials and triumphsI’m grateful I declined death’s temptationBy accepting God’s help and guidance

If only I had known back then…I’d have told my broken spirit to hold onI’d share with her what I understand nowLet her know hope exists upon new horizonsI’d cheer her on each day of successHold her hand with each falling tearTell her that life will not hurt so bad foreverAnd that one day she’ll be able to feelShe’d feel without the torment of ever increasing painShe’d sit still in her own skinShe’d look people in the eyes, not down in shameShe’d break free from the demons within

To myself today I sayYou’re a long way from that arduous startOne day at a time you’ve progressedBut you mustn’t ever stopStay close to God and continue seekingSo enlightenment you’ll findWalk forward, using the past as a toolDemons in wait, grow stronger in timeKnow you can never open the doorTo the world which once enslaved youBe vigilant not to fall into the nets Cast as traps meant to undo

Way to go ElizabethYou’ve achieved the seemingly impossibleI will write to you again this time next yearAnd report on the remarkable!

This was written upon my 160th day of sobriety in 2012- at least what I had decided was sobriety- I was still using “legal, prescribed and therefore okay” prescriptions- as if snorting my xanex and klonopin was somehow normal! 21 years of sticking most anything in me to alter I finally know “true” sobriety and clean time-NOTHING to alter and peace as bonus! I’m getting close to eight months and the feelings described in this poem have changed dramatically. We all come from somewhere!

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A journey can be described as the interim experience between two places. I consider the journey I’ve been on thus far in my life, and I find myself with a surprising level of peace with what has been, and hope for what is yet to be. I’m perplexed to see these words spilling onto this page, and to know they actually come from a place of genuineness inside of me. My journey, as most involved in the human experience, has been riddled with hardships. Unfortunately, those hardships have always upstaged the many simultaneous blessings I’ve known. I was always running so fast that I never really took time to appreciate the good things in my life… I mean, deeply appreciate them. Recognition and passing nods don’t count much for appreciation! As a person in long term recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction I am finding that ceasing my fast pace escape methods and embracing a slower speed is changing everything for the better. That's ALL God if ya know me!
A huge part of my journey includes spiritual growth and discovery. God and I are much more than acquaintances now, and what an amazing difference. I've always tried to do everything on my own (and what a royal mess). I'm listening to counsel now and learning surrender.
I hope people who visit here, by sharing in my experiences, past and present. Part of life is figuring things out as I go. We all have to go through hard times and grow and change accordingly. The fact that we are able to go “through” and reach the other side is a gift. There is much to grasp in this life. The concept of an open forum where people all over the planet can share their thoughts, ideas, and beliefs excites me. The collective-experiences of individuals navigating their own unique quests, combined with the added benefit of finding common threads within- how amazing! Hope you enjoy peeking inside my journey from time to time!
Blessings and Beauty,
Elizabeth