I don’t think anyone should pretend for shidduchim. Honestly, I think its what adds to the shidduch crisis – people are bending over backwards for somewhat ridiculous things…and not halachic things or even chumras. Just narishkeit!

My cousin was given the “grade B” girls in the shidduch world because his family is not as frum and they wont support and they are a little bit off the beaten path. The girl he is marrying was considered “grade B” and when my Aunt was checking her out they heard “Its a really nice family but they are a little strange because they like to go hiking.” Yes, someone shouldnt marry someone because their family likes a good walk. <sarcasm>

I once dated a girl who worked in a home for mentally disabled frum children. She told me one of the kids she deals with is the son of a famous frum person, but they never came to visit him- they basically pretended he didn’t exist “for shidduchim purposes”.

A relative of mine through marriage got married to someone who had a severe addiction problem which was hidden “for shidduchim”.

Something I’ve heard (IT’S TRUE) A boy’s mother wanted to meet a prospective girl that they were checking into for their son. The mother wanted to meet the girl at the POOL (in her bathing suit)! The girl’s mother refused to meet the boys’ mother’s demand! Good for her! (side point: the girl is not heavy, ugly, or anything, but they felt it was a totally inappropriate demand!)

1) I know a son of a dentist who told me that a shaddchan once called him and ask for info on how the girls teeth were (know this is true) – this is crazy!! He tells them that not only are they being silly, its also private info between the doc and the patient

2) I know another person who was called as a reference and was asked what they ise on shabbos (paper, plastic or china.

Maybe if people would stop looking into such non-important things and wouild just focus on what is important, this whole “shidduch crisis” would not be around.

I was at a vort the other day and I went to get some food. A girl said, “Hello- it’s not good for shidduchim – you shouldn’t eat at vorts.” A looked her straight in the eye and I said, “People who won’t set me up or let me marry their son because I eat at vorts are people who I don’t want to get involved with and I don’t care what they think!” And I proceeded to guiltlessly (not a word) cut a slice of the delicious looking chocolate cake and sat down and ate it.

Just because some people have crazy random standards doesn’t mean that our lives have to be ruled by them. Just a thought…

OH NO!!! I will never find a shidduch! If this is what MILs want- I am doomed! I had braces (railroad tracks- yes), gone on a hike before and —(the worst) I ATE AT MY FRIEND’s VORT!!!

But truly, I have heard weird stories… like the one who was asked if they had a plastic tablecloth on the table, only use white table cloths (and not even cream or ivory)… and my favorite: asking the guy what type of shoes his sisters wear… like they would even know! Ask the parents if you really want to know….

sjs: i dont think your mikva comment was appropriate at all even though that mothers demand is ridiculus.

and to a certain extent i think you can do things for shidducim. obviously the stories here are way too crazy but whats wrong with an overweight person losing weight when it comes time to shidducim? (obviously not anorexic or beliemic c”v.)

Will Hill: Gavra@work’s point was, I think, that wearing the hat was MADE a part of shidduchim–which is frankly ridiculous. If one wants to wear a black hat during all of one’s mundane activities, that’s one’s prerogative. But it’s a pretty sad day when a shidduch is turned down because some busybody saw the girl’s or boy’s father shoveling snow, mowing the lawn, taking out the garbage, etc., without a black hat.

Many ehrliche yidden NEVER wear a hat at any time. If they are male, a yarmulke is what they wear. If they are female, they either do or do not cover their hair, depending on their marital status and hashkafa. While snoveling snow outside in the cold, it is highly recommended that EVERYONE wear a warm winter hat to protect themselves. A Borsalino will NOT do the job, so someone shoveling snow in that type hat is actually misakein himself unless he also has ear muffs on.

“Everything blew up after seven children left heder [religious elementary school],” said one community member. “At first we didn’t understand why, and then it turned out that they had been abused. The parents wanted the matter to be dealt with, but they were warned that if the abuse became known it would harm their children’s chances of finding a match. The parents got quiet and the children remained damaged because no one defended them.” He and a former community member also said one of the teachers beat the children.

sjs: i dont think your mikva comment was appropriate at all even though that mothers demand is ridiculus

Flatbush, the story made it seem like the mother wanted to see the poor girl’s body. Once you are asking for that, you might as well ask for the full monty! The whole thing is ridiculous. I’m not quite sure why my comment is inappropriate though.

I didn’t think SJS’s comment was inappropriate, given the anecdote Chatty mentioned. But I do find it disturbing that a woman would want to see a prospective daughter-in-law in a bathing suit before approving a shidduch. I can’t imagine wanting that kind of information about my sons’ future kallos.

Jothar, It’s totally true!!! In my brother’s school which is a well known yeshiva there is currently stories circulating about one rebbe, but my brother warned my father that if he would say anything and start a tumult, then my brother would never find a shidduch!!! Crazzzy!! My father said something anonomysly but unfortunately that’s what would happen!!

Same goes with mental health… There are so many kids in school who are struggling but their parents will not get them the help they need because it will “affect their shidduchim”. So they suffer in anguish throughout elementary and high school, failing and having low self esteem ect.

Also, there are some people, especially when they are in their teens, who will not seek professional help when it is called for. The kids have serious psychological issues such as eating disorders, or other not as obvious ones. Some kids I know really need to be on medication (not that it is appropriate for everyone) but their parents will not get them the help they need. It is really a nebech for the children, and it can harm not only the children (they can be normal, learn and grow in school ect), but their teachers, classmates ect…

When someone advises that their child should get tested, maybe it is appropriate to get a second opinion and not just wave them off. It is for the good of the child!

JOthar- where did you read this? i heard it happened like a few years ago, but whoa- this has to be stopped from occurring! they keep hurting kids because they know that no parent wants to come forward with it unless they can get on the witness protection program and get a new identity!

2)Did the family eat dinner together during the week or just on shabbos?

It doesn’t say anything about the family, most families that have grown children like my own, barely even see each other during the week. I’m in college at night, my brothers are in yeshiva…You can’t really judge a family by that

4)Do they live within their means?

No offense, but whose business is that? Like my relative used to drive by the boy’s house to see what the outside looked like and if they upkept the garden! Like hello who cares!!

not sure if this went through 5 times or didn’t make it at all. so i’m sending it again but i expect it’ll be up only once…

myshadow, i think the question was: are they realistic and living within their budget? it’s not normal for people to take out two mortgages and be in debt while driving fancy cars and going on major vacations.

Myshadow, I think they are fair questions. My family always tried to eat together every night. We would wait for the latest person, unless it was really too late. Whoever was home though would eat together. I think it says quite a bit about family dynamics or at least how they approach this. So if everyone is busy, they might answer that whoever is home at a reasonable hour always eats together because family time is important.

I think living within their means is important. After all, if the girl is used to extravagence but her family cannot afford it, how does that bode well for a marriage? It means her husband will have to provide things that they cannot afford! Do weekly manicures matter when money is tight? No. Again, its a mindset.

Neither of these things should stop a shidduch, but I dont think its bad information.

Lets look at number 3 – what if the mother was a single parent and needed babysitters so that she could provide food and shelter for her kids? Do you hold it against her? No, buts its good information to know.

I honestly think this is the least offensive list of questions I have ever seen.

myshadow- just because these things don’t matter to you, doesn’t make them unreasonable to ask. To some dinner/family time is top priority & they want that in their own home. Some people abhor living beyond what they can afford- to show a gaudy face to the world when they can barely pay bills or even more extreme, can’t put food on the table.

It has to do with where you’re coming from and what is important to you

When I was in Yeshiva- someone called me and asked me if the boy I sleep with is healthy, I answered that he’s ion approx 360 tablets a day but I don’t think their for medical purposes maybe just for nutrition etc.