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Friday, 19 August 2011

I am a straight white woman

Jodie Swift joins us today and bravely shares her story. This fits neither in humor nor rant, but it deserves a venue. :) Please help us welcome her.

Bi-crikey...maybe not!

by Jodie Swift

I am a straight white woman. Yes, I am. I have been married for 26 years; I have two children in their early twenties. I am a straight white woman!

So, how come, on my glorious spiritual path, when I let go of all the expectations that society, my parents, my children, my husband, and my friends placed on me did I discover something else?

It wasn't just a beautiful friendship. It wasn't just that whenever I spent time with Kay (not her real name) I felt so filled with love for weeks afterwards. It wasn't just that I thought she was the most loving person I had ever met. It wasn't just that I thought she was an amazing woman with a beautiful energy. It was more. I realised '...oh my God ... I'm kind of in love with her ...' Then I got all logical, and asked, 'Seriously? So you would want to kiss her?' The answer: 'Oh God I would love to kiss her!' Hang on! Back up the truck! You want to kiss her! Oh hell yes! Just the thought of kissing her resulted in, well, let's just say my lower chakras went berserk!!! Oh my God, I am so screwed!!!

Oh my God!!!

I am so not straight!!!

What the hell was I going to do? I had all these feelings going on, and the more I thought about it the more I looked back over my life and saw the signs which I had always been so very good at explaining away. The girls I was attracted to? I convinced myself that I simply liked them because they were nice people, or that we must have had some kind of past life connection which I was picking up on. I explained it all away, because I was a straight white girl. But I couldn't explain Kay away. I was in love with her. I am in love with her. Oh crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

I had all this passion that was brewing up like a freakin volcano! I couldn't tell her, I couldn't tell anyone! But I had to do something with this passion, so I did the only thing I could, I jumped my husband daily! I took that passion out on him, while I was thinking about her. God, that sounds so bad! I would be kissing him, or kissing his neck, and thinking of her.

Crap! Crap! Crap!

On a positive note, my marriage had never been better!! (He didn't have a clue!)

The problem was, I knew I would have to explain to Kay what was going on. She would know something was up, but she would not raise the matter, she would leave it to me to tell her, if I wanted to. I mean come on, your friend's marriage is suddenly all fired up, she's having abundant sex (I said 'abundant' I didn't say 'great'!!) with said husband, she has lost weight, toned up, completely changed the way she dresses, wears make-up every day, and is looking hot? What are you going to think? You're going to think she's having an affair. And so, one night while we were talking on the phone, I told her. I knew it was a risk. I said 'You know I love you, right?' 'Yes.' 'Well...I'm kind of, sort of, a little bit in love with you.' Silence. Crap!!!!!! Shit!!!!!!

Finally Kay replied 'I've known that for a long time.'

Seriously?

Cos I sure the hell didn't!

Since then we have had a lot of talks, in fact, we are even closer now than we were before. Kay is straight, and the greatest gift she has ever given me was accepting that I am in love with her without freaking out. I told her that I won't act on it and that I don't need to act on it, what I needed was to be honest with myself about what I was feeling, about who I really am. I had to tell her, and I am glad I did because she told me if I hadn't then she would have assumed I was having an affair!

I thought Kay was the only one, that I was a straight white woman except when it came to Kay. Oh no... as the months passed I found myself actually looking at women differently, all woman. I looked across a supermarket checkout, saw a women two checkouts along, with long blonde dreadlocks, a nice figure, sexy clothes, and I loved the fact that here was a woman who was comfortable with who she was, and strong in her own identity. Apparently I find that sexy too!!! I watched Cathy DeBuono on her video blog and I have to say 'oh my God she is the sexiest woman on the planet!' And yes I do check out the waitresses as they walk away--sometimes I feel like a freakin' predator! Attraction does not mean I have to act on anything, it just means I have to acknowledge that this is what I feel. It's okay!

So, here I am, now 48 years of age, married with two children in their twenties, and I have discovered I am bi-sexual! Crap! I can't even act on it! Let's say I met a woman and there was a serious attraction, would sleeping with her be any less taboo than sleeping with another man? I can justify it any way I want, but the moment you replace the woman in the bed with a man the whole damn justification falls to pieces.

Can I tell my husband? Hell no! He'd be gutted! He is a good man, and I do love him, but I won't tell him I am bi-sexual because he doesn't need to know, and because it's not as if I am going to act on it - but...really...I'm not making any promises here. Plus, and this is a massive plus, I go out of town three or four times a year to visit a girlfriend, and if he knew I was bi-sexual do you really think he'd be happy with me going? And when I spend time with other girlfriends would he really be happy with that if he knew I was bi-sexual? I can spend as much time with my girlfriends as I want because he doesn't know I am bi-sexual - and let me point out here that Kay is the only one of my friends I am attracted to. The moment he finds out, everything will change.

Will I tell my children? One of my children is gay, so it's not exactly an area that would frighten them - I suspect that my children may already suspect I am bi. But I don't know how they would respond, and so at this stage, no I won't tell them. I don't need to rock the boat, and so I won't.

I have told Kay, another friend, and several of my gay friends - my gay friends have been awesome, and we laugh and joke about sex so often, it's as if with them I can truly be me. With Kay I am careful not to cross any line, and not to let her see how much I love her, so sometimes I really do have to look away. (Oh my God, you should see her in tight jeans, a long jersey, and knee-high black boots, with her hair loose. God, I could just burst into flames!)

I'm not a straight white woman. I'm a bi-sexual white woman.

I finally know who I am, and I am so much happier than I have ever been before!

Oh, and if I can add this to the mix...I think about sex all the time.

Oh, and...I have 'a walk' ... one that says 'I want to have sex with you all!'

Hi Jodie.... I read through this and have been sitting for the past quarter hour trying to work through how I wanted to respond.

First, congratulations on discovering a new facet about yourself.

Let me say that as a totally straight guy and a husband of 27 years, I think you're selling your husband short. Trust is a big part of marriage, one of the founding pillars in my view, and from what you've said your husband has a lot of faith and trust in you.

How do you think it will affect his view of you, if you DON'T tell him and he finds out via some other pathway? I mean you have just outted yourself to the whole world here.

I don't know how he will react, but from where I sit, if you do not tell him, there will always be a seed of doubt in the back of his mind that the time you spend with your girlfriends is nothing more than an excuse to engage in wild lesbian sex.

And even if that isn't the case, he will feel betrayed by the fact that you didn't trust him enough and had to keep secrets from him.

I can relate. :) I don't think it's a secret that I've come to this same discovery in the past few years. I'm also married, quite happily, with two kids, and I had the same hesitation about telling my husband. I didn't come out to him, either. At least, not in a 'sit down I have to tell you something' sort of way.But I do give him the benefit of the doubt to have figured out by now I'm not completely straight. In other words, I don't censure myself around him. If I find another woman cute or sexy, I sat so. He just smiles and hold sky hand a little tighter. He knows I'm his.

I'm so happy for you to have come to this self discovery. It's a wonderful thing. Good luck!!!!

Amazing post. I sighed out loud when I read Kay's reply to your admission. That would make a great story -- I've always known. I could never tell my husband anything like that either, he wouldn't understand. Maybe because I'm a writer, my mind is more open to all possibilities. One thing is for sure, you're happy with you and that's the main thing.

I'm at a point in my life, discovering so many things about myself, and the biggest thing I'mt trying to learn is to---not matter what I find out about myself---NOT to be afraid of it, but to embrace it and cherish it. Because it is ME.

To be so brave and honest with yourself, and to embrace who you are, that is a wonderful thing, Jodie. I hope this post will help others do the same thing. As Liz said, "there are more shades of grey in all of us." She's so right.

It was s heck of a personal discovery to make...but I feel so much more whole - if that makes sense. And, Faith, I am truly so much more filled with passion, to the point of feeling like I'm going to spntaneously combust at any moment!

It is something I would be happy to talk about with anyone in the same boat - here or elsewhere. It very much is something we are supposed to keep quiet about...but I think we need to talk about it with people who can understand. I am not alone in this, and neither is anyone else. I am blessed in that I have people I can talk to who love me and will not judge me.