THE BUTTONS
By:Josh Fagan
INT. GEORGE'S CAR. DAY
(GEORGE is driving and eating a piece of toast. The car is stopped at a red light. GEORGE lowers the visor to examine himself in the small makeup mirror)
JERRY
Bad hair day?
GEORGE
I got it cut this morning.She used mousse. I think some of it got in my ear.
JERRY
The hair or the mousse?
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
...Got in your ear? The hair or the mousse?
GEORGE
How would the hair get in my ear? The hair's on the floor.
JERRY
Let me ask you something. What do you pay for a haircut?
GEORGE
What do you mean what do I pay? What do you pay? The same thing.
JERRY
You don't get a discount?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
Well that doesn't seem fair. It's, like, half the work.You should at least get something off.
GEORGE
Not fair. Huh. I'll add it to the list.
You go to the carwash. You think the guy in the Volkswagen's getting out cheaper than the guy in the Buick?
JERRY
That's right. Proportionate pricing. You pay more for a bigger apartment. More for a bigger steak. More for a bigger boat. Why not a haircut. Look at this. It's like 1/3 of the work.
GEORGE
All right. Enough with the fractions.
JERRY
You're going to love this place. They've got the best egg-rolls in the city. The best! They ship them out all over the world. Even to China. Chinese people are sending away for these egg rolls. That's how good they are.
GEORGE
Why do you have to do that? Why do you have to build it up? I don't have a good history with build-ups. In my experience, there's always a letdown. You know that everything good ends badly? Huh, you ever thought of that? Sex. I never hate myself more than after...I go in with such high hopes.
JERRY
Like the ant with the rubber tree plant.
GEORGE
It's all disappointment.
JERRY
For her or you?
GEORGE
OK.
JERRY
The best! You'll love it!
GEORGE
We'll see. Love. You know,the last thing I loved was some butter I think I left out a little too long. It's a good thing it was a long weekend.
JERRY
Salted, or unsalted?
GEORGE
Unsalted.
JERRY
Well...
GEORGE
Hey, when do you consider bread's been toasted?
JERRY
I think you're looking for the first sign of a crust.
(GEORGE is now examining a piece of toast)
GEORGE
I don't see a crust.
JERRY
It's really more of a feel.
GEORGE
I don't feel it.
JERRY
You're trying to gauge toastedness now?
GEORGE
Gauge? (Pronounced like "gauze," with the "gaw" sound) Isn't it gage? (Pronounced like "gate," with the"ay" sound)
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
I don't think there's a crust.
JERRY
Well what are you gonna do? Why are you eating anyway, we're almost there?
GEORGE
I have to prep myself. You know what happens when you go into a meal on an empty stomach? One bread-stick...done! That's it.
(GEORGE opens the window and throws the bread out of the moving car)
JERRY
What are you doing?
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
You can't just throw your trash out the window.
GEORGE
It's biodegradable!
JERRY
Yeah, but this is 5th Avenue, not a compost heap.
GEORGE
What was I supposed to do? Tuck it under the seat for later?
JERRY
How about eating it?
GEORGE
It wasn't toasted.
JERRY
So?
GEORGE
So I wanted toast. That wasn't toast. It was bread.
JERRY
What do you think toast is?
GEORGE
Hey! Toast is not bread! OK! Once it passes that toast threshold it's transformed. Like a butterfly.
JERRY
So it goes into a little cocoon, sprouts little toast wings and flies away.
GEORGE
On wings of melba.
JERRY
It's not toast...
GEORGE
It's the small things that get me. You know. Like the big things, they get me too. But it's the small things that really bug me.
JERRY
The straw that broke the camel's back.
GEORGE
I've got like a haystack on there.
JERRY
All right. It's right up here.
GEORGE
Look at this license plate. UFUL1. UFUL1. What is that supposed to mean?
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
UFUL.
JERRY
I don't know what it means.
GEORGE
You full? You full one? Are you full?
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
Uff. Uff. Uff, you'll one. Uff, you lie.
JERRY
What's uff?
GEORGE
Uff? Uff. Uff is uff.
JERRY
Uff is uff.
GEORGE
Where am I going here?
JERRY
It's right up there. Make a right.
GEORGE
Where?
JERRY
Here. On the right.
GEORGE
I have to tell you, I'm not impressed.
JERRY
You haven't even been inside yet.
GEORGE
But my first impression.
JERRY
It's a restaurant, not a loan application.
GEORGE
Are you questioning my impressionability.
JERRY
Do you make good impressions?
(GEORGE pulls the car over)
INT. RESTAURANT
GEORGE and JERRY are seated at a table. GEORGE is gorging himself in traditional GEORGE fashion
GEORGE
This is delicious.
JERRY
I told you.
GEORGE
The texture.
JERRY
Good texture.
GEORGE
Great texture.
JERRY
Well that's what you want in a spare-rib.
GEORGE
You know usually I don't like the flat noodles. They're too...you know. But I like these. I really do.
JERRY
Hey, you've made my day.
GEORGE
Alright. Enough with the sarcasm.
JERRY
Are you almost finished?
GEORGE
Give me a minute.
JERRY
We've been here for two hours.
GEORGE
It's all you can eat.
JERRY
You're right. If it were all you "should" eat, we'd have been gone 45 minutes ago.
GEORGE
Hey. You brought me here. This was your place.
JERRY
I know. But you're like a bottomless pit.
(SUE, the waitress, walks by the table)
GEORGE
Excuse me. Could I get another glass of water?
(SUE pours GEORGE the glass of water)
GEORGE
Thank you.
JERRY
Could we get the cheque please?
SUE
You finished?
GEORGE
No. No.
JERRY
Yes. Yes.
SUE
Alright. I bring cheque.
GEORGE
And another plate of this.
SUE
I bring cheque and chow mein.
JERRY
Haven't you had enough?
GEORGE
It's good.
JERRY
I'm going to have to roll you out of here, aren't I?
(GEORGE reels back from his plate in disgust)
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
A hair!
(GEORGE pulls a long hair out of the plate)
JERRY
So what?
GEORGE
So what!
JERRY
It's just a hair. If a body part or appendage is going to be in my food, I want it to be from the head.
GEORGE
That's not the point! It's disgusting. It's unsanitary.
JERRY
So are you, but I don't complain.
(WAITRESS returns)
SUE
Here you go. Cheque and chow mein.
GEORGE
Excuse me. I found this in the rice.
(GEORGE holds up the hair)
SUE
Yeah?
GEORGE
Yeah!
SUE
So?
GEORGE
So!
SUE
It's a hair.
GEORGE
I know it's a hair. Whose hair is it?
SUE
Maybe it your hair.
GEORGE
My hair!
JERRY
Hey, maybe she's right.
GEORGE
Look at this thing!
(GEORGE holds up the really long hair)
SUE
Yeah, your hair.
(GEORGE points to his bald head)
GEORGE
You're saying this is my hair?
SUE
From the back.
GEORGE
It's my hair from the back? What back? My back!
JERRY
From the back of your head.
GEORGE
What are you going to do for us?
JERRY
No...
GEORGE
Give us fifty percent off.
SUE
What?
GEORGE
Fifty percent off.
JERRY
I'll pay.
GEORGE
No. It's the principle. A hair in your food is fifty percent off.
JERRY
Is that part of the cheap bastard credo?
GEORGE
It's in the constitution.
SUE
No fifty percent.
GEORGE
All right. Get the manager.
SUE
He in the back.
GEORGE
Well bring him out.
(SUE exits to find the manager. GEORGE hastily gets up and puts on his coat)
JERRY
What are you doing?
GEORGE
Come on.
(GEORGE gets up and grabs his coat)
JERRY
You're leaving?
GEORGE
Here.
(GEORGE throws some money down onto the table)
JERRY
What is that?
GEORGE
It's half of what we owe.
JERRY
Why don't you just wait for the manager.
GEORGE
The manager? What's he gonna do?
JERRY
Well why did you ask to see him?
GEORGE
To give us a chance to leave.
JERRY
I don't like this.
GEORGE
Come on. Be a man.
JERRY
I am a man. An unwanted man.
GEORGE
Hey. Hair equals fifty percent. Everyone knows that.
(GEORGE scurries out of the restaurant)
JERRY
Ohh...
(JERRY leaves right behind him)
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY is sitting at the table with a radio right by his shoulder. He has the remote control in his hand and is flipping to different news stations.
Enter KRAMER
KRAMER
Hey Jerry, where's your paprika?
JERRY
Shh! I'm trying to listen!
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
The news.
KRAMER
What's going on? Did somebody get shot?
JERRY
No.
KRAMER
What's going on?
JERRY
Forget it.
(JERRY turns the radio off)
KRAMER
No. No. I can feel it. There's a tension here. Something unspoken. It's hanging around.
JERRY
There's nothing going on. Why are you always so suspicious?
KRAMER
My father was a private detective.
JERRY
And that got passed down through the genes?
KRAMER
The urge to detect is strong. It can work its way in there.
JERRY
Yeah. I understand Mendel mentioned something about fingerprinting.
Enter ELAINE with an armful of laundry. She drops the load onto JERRY'S table.
ELAINE
Here you go. Thanks a lot.
KRAMER touches one of the shirts
KRAMER
Hot!
ELAINE
Are we even?
JERRY
Even.
(KRAMER smells one of the shirts)
KRAMER
What kind of fabric softener you use?
ELAINE
I didn't use any fabric softener.
KRAMER
You didn't?
ELAINE
No.
(KRAMER moves up to examine ELAINE)
KRAMER
You didn't use any fabric softener?
ELAINE
No.
KRAMER
Jerry. Smell this.
JERRY
Please leave me out of this.
KRAMER
No. Smell this.
JERRY
It smells very nice, I'm sure.
KRAMER
You don't get that smell without fabric softener. Do you?
ELAINE
It's a new detergent.
KRAMER
Let me see the box.
ELAINE
I don't have the box.
KRAMER
Where is it?
ELAINE
Kramer!
KRAMER
No! I'm getting to the bottom of this.
ELAINE
I threw it out. It's down in the laundry room.
KRAMER
Oh, we'll see about that.
(KRAMER exits)
ELAINE
I don't know how you do it.
JERRY
One day at a time.
ELAINE
So we're even. Really?
JERRY
Yeah, yeah, we're even.
ELAINE
I hate doing other people's laundry. Touching their dirty clothes.
JERRY
Oh, these weren't that dirty.
ELAINE
How do you know?
JERRY
Because they're my clothes.
ELAINE
Maybe they didn't look dirty. But they were dirty.
JERRY
Did you see any dirt?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
So how do you know they were dirty?
ELAINE
You wore them, didn't you?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
Then they were dirty.
JERRY
Oh, so we're talking microscopic level.
ELAINE
Yes. Microscopic level. Dirt molecules. Dirt...amoebas.
JERRY
Well then I can understand.
ELAINE
You know who I saw down there? Doing her laundry. Remember Carlton Place? Where I used to live.
JERRY
Sure. The jewel thief.
ELAINE
I saw the elevator operator.
JERRY
Did you say hello?
ELAINE
Of course I said hello.
JERRY
How's he doing?
ELAINE
How's "she" doing.
JERRY
Funny, I always think of that as a man's job. I've never seen a female elevator operator.
ELAINE
Shirley McLaine. In The Apartment.
JERRY
Yes, Shirley McLaine. Great movie.
You know elevator operators have always bothered me. What kind of world do we live in where people can't even push their own button?
ELAINE
I don't know. Anyway, we got to talking. She invited me for coffee.
JERRY
Coffee with the elevator operator. Should be nice.
(All this time JERRY has been folding his clothes. He has finished and he starts looking around for something)
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
My blue sweatshirt.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
It's not here.
ELAINE
Well did you put it in the bag?
JERRY
Yeah. It was in the bag. I gave it to you.
ELAINE
Well I don't remember a blue sweatshirt.
JERRY
You memorized my laundry?
ELAINE
I would remember a blue sweatshirt.
JERRY
Because it's such a unique colour?
ELAINE
Well if it was in there, I washed it.
JERRY
Well it's not here.
ELAINE
Then it wasn't there.
(KRAMER enters carrying a box of detergent in his hands)
KRAMER
I knew it. It's fabric softener AND detergent. It's a 2-in-1 Jerry. A 2-in-1.
(KRAMER surveys the situation)
KRAMER
What's going on?
JERRY
Nothing. I can't find my blue sweatshirt.
KRAMER
No!
ELAINE
I didn't lose it!
KRAMER
All right. What happened here?
JERRY
I gave it to her to wash and she lost it.
ELAINE
He never gave it to me.
JERRY
Didn't you check the machine after you were done?
ELAINE
No, I like to do my laundry blindfolded.
KRAMER
Calm down. All right. Now I'll get to the bottom of this. Elaine, you say he never gave you the shirt?
ELAINE
Yeah.
KRAMER
Jerry. You're saying you gave her the shirt?
JERRY
Well it's not here.
KRAMER
This is gonna be a tough one.
ELAINE
I've got to go.
JERRY
Thanks...for nothing!
(Exit ELAINE. Jerry turns around and KRAMER is pulling up couch cushions)
JERRY
What are you doing?
KRAMER
Don't worry buddy, I'm on the case.
INT. COFFEE SHOP
(GEORGE and JERRY are sitting at the usual booth. Both are acting very nervous and supsicious-like)
GEORGE
So did you hear anything?
JERRY
No. Did you?
GEORGE
No. I think we're in the clear.
JERRY
I knew this was a bad idea.
GEORGE
Bad idea? I said we're in the clear.
JERRY
Yeah?
GEORGE
What are they gonna do, pull a sting on us?
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
I'm telling you, we did the right thing. That hair really ruined my meal.
JERRY
Luckily you'd already eaten.
GEORGE
Very funny.
(Enter WAITRESS with a bowl of soup for GEORGE and a sandwich for JERRY. GEORGE tastes the soup and recoils)
GEORGE
Hot!
JERRY
So?
GEORGE
I can't eat this. Give me your glass.
JERRY
What do you want with my glass?
GEORGE
Ice.
JERRY
Use your own.
GEORGE
But I like ice.
JERRY
So do I.
GEORGE
Alright. I'll blow.
(GEORGE starts blowing on his soup to cool it. He starts eating)
JERRY
It's cold in here.
GEORGE
So why don't you wear a sweatshirt?
JERRY
Thank you!
(GEORGE bolts upright in his seat)
GEORGE
I love you!
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
I-Love-You. That's it.
JERRY
What the hell are you talking about?
GEORGE
That license plate. It's been killing me all day. UFUL1. It's backwards. One-Luf-U. I-luf-you. I love you.
JERRY
Yeah, but it's not one love you. It's I love you.
GEORGE
The 1 is the I.
JERRY
No it's not. It's a 1.
GEORGE
A 1 can be an I!
What's this?
(GEORGE pulls a long hair out of his soup)
JERRY
Well what do you know.
GEORGE
What is this, an epidemic?
JERRY
It looks the same as the other one.
GEORGE
It's a hair. It looks like a hair.
JERRY
It's the same color.
GEORGE
How can you tell? It's got pea soup all over it.
(WAITRESS walks by the table)
GEORGE
Excuse me. I just found this in my soup.
WAITRESS
Yeah?
GEORGE
Yeah? Look at this thing. I could re-string a tennis racquet.
WAITRESS
Well then maybe you should try wearing a hat.
GEORGE
What are you talking about.
(The WAITRESS pulls GEORGE'S head down and points at it to JERRY. She pulls a long hair off of GEORGE'S head and holds it up)
GEORGE
What is that? Is it a plant? Did she plant it!
JERRY
Lean over for a second.
(GEORGE leans over. JERRY studies his head)
GEORGE
What? Is there growth? Is there growth?
JERRY
Stay still.
(JERRY pulls another long hair from GEORGE'S head. When GEORGE sits straight again he has pea soup all over his shirt)
GEORGE
Oh. Look at this!
JERRY
No. Look at this!
(JERRY produces the hair)
WAITRESS
All right?
GEORGE
Where'd you get that?
JERRY
On your head.
(GEORGE picks up the paper towel dispenser and looks at his reflection in the metal)
JERRY
Wait a second. Didn't you tell me you had a haircut this morning?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Did you fall off the chair, or something?
GEORGE
No. No. But the girl who cut it had long, black hair. Just like this...
JERRY
So it wasn't the Chinese restaurant.
GEORGE
I guess not.
JERRY
You know, knowing you is like riding one of those really old, wooden roller coasters. You know the ones that haven't been checked in like, 60 years? You never know when the wheels are gonna come off and the whole thing goes right over the side.
(GEORGE gets up to leave)
JERRY
Where are you going?
GEORGE
I'm shedding here! You wanna eat with me? I'm like a shag rug.
JERRY
Hey!
(JERRY holds up another cheque that GEORGE has neglected to pay. Enter KRAMER. He sits down in the booth with JERRY that GEORGE has just left)
KRAMER
Good news.
JERRY
You found the sweater?
KRAMER
No.
JERRY
So what's the good news?
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
You said "good news."
KRAMER
I know.
JERRY
Well it's not a greeting.
KRAMER
What are you talking about? Hello. Good news. It's the same thing.
JERRY
Forget it.
(KRAMER starts eating GEORGE'S soup)
KRAMER
I think I might've found something.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Well it's small. It's small. But it's a trail. It was the 2-in-1. That's what sparked me, you know. You know what they use in jail? 2-in-1!
JERRY
Even with the orange and the black and white stripes?
KRAMER
It's colour fast!
JERRY
Prison laundry. What is that? Twice a week? Three times?
KRAMER
3? No. Once a week.
JERRY
Once a week? No. That's terrible.
KRAMER
No honest person would ever use a 2-in-1. It's lazy. It's unprofessional. I would never pull a job like that.
JERRY
Is that what you came here to tell me?
KRAMER
I thought you'd want me to keep you updated.
JERRY
I do. When something happens you can tell me.
KRAMER
Oh. Well, all right. And, yeah, you can slide the cheque under my door.
JERRY
What cheque?
KRAMER
You know what? Make it cash.
JERRY
You want me to pay you?
KRAMER
Cash plus expenses. What! It's a standard deal. I've got a meeting today with a snitch. Could pay off big time. I'm gonna need something to grease his wheels though.
(KRAMER stops eating and pulls a long hair out of his mouth)
KRAMER
This could be a clue.
INT. COFFEE SHOP (NOT MONKS)
(ELAINE is sitting at a table with HELEN, the elevator operator from her old building)
HELEN
So who came in but Lionel Barrymore! Four floors! I pretended I couldn't get the cage open.
ELAINE
I heard he was a drinker.
HELEN
All hands. Ripped a button right off my uniform.
ELAINE
Wow.
HELEN
Those were the days. Now you've got escalators. People are taking the stairs more. It isn't like it used to be.
ELAINE
No. Not like it used to be. Higher heels.
HELEN
I've got to tell you Elaine. I don't miss it. You know why I left? Why I stopped working at Carlton place? I got tired of pushing those damn buttons. I mean, what kind of world do we live in where people can't even push their own buttons.
ELAINE
Yeah, it's just one giant toilet bowl.
HELEN
Well one day Dr. Leonard comes in. Remember him. With that license plate. "ONEDR". With the number 1. He was some fancy optometrist.
ELAINE
Opthamologist.
HELEN
It was a 1, not an I.
Well he tells me 12th floor, like always. And I just snapped.
ELAINE
What did you do?
HELEN
Oh...
ELAINE
Wait a second! The eye-patch. I remember right after you left he had this big eye-patch. He told everyone he got shaving cream in there.
(HELEN holds up her index finger to show ELAINE that she, in fact, was the one who poked MR. LEONARD in the eye)
HELEN
I'll tell you something else. Never. I will never press another button for someone ever again.
ELAINE
Well I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it.
HELEN
Right in the "1."
(HELEN draws out the numeral "1" in the air, of course meaning "I." Or "Eye" if you will)
ELAINE
(Nervous laughter)
HELEN
It's so cold in here.
ELAINE
Yeah. It's draughty.
(HELEN goes into a shopping bag and pulls out a worn blue sweatshirt. ELAINE does a double-take as she realizes this is JERRY'S missing shirt)
INT. PARKING GARAGE
(A shadowy figure stands in the corner smoking a cigarette. KRAMER approaches him doing his best SAM SPADE impression)
VOICE
You Kramer?
KRAMER
Yeah. Yeah.
VOICE
What are you looking for? Information? Or something...else.
(The voice laughs. Sinister.)
KRAMER
Information.
VOICE
You got what I wanted?
KRAMER
Yeah. I've got it right here.
(KRAMER pats a paper bag)
VOICE
Slide it over.
(KRAMER slides the bag over. The man picks it up and looks inside. He laughs)
KRAMER
It's all there. You don't have to count it.
VOICE
I trust you.
KRAMER
Two veal with tomato sauce, one slice, green pepper and onions...
VOICE
I said I trust you!
(The man emerges from the shadows. We can now see it's NEWMAN)
KRAMER
So what've you got?
NEWMAN
You didn't get the biscotti.
KRAMER
They didn't have the biscotti. Now come on!
NEWMAN
All right. All right. I'll tell you what I know. Word has it that some outsider's coming in and grabbing clothes on the side, see. Yeah, some outsider. Don't know where she came from or who she is, but she's got quick hands. Fast. I saw her once, oh I didn't get a good look. But she was buying detergent from the vending machine. A 2-in-1.
(NEWMAN feigns someone pressing the buttons on a vending machine extremely quickly)
NEWMAN
One, two, three. Like that.
(NEWMAN snaps his fingers)
NEWMAN
Those buttons didn't have a chance.
INT. COFFEE SHOP (NOT MONKS)
ELAINE
That's a nice sweatshirt.
HELEN
Thank you.
ELAINE
Had it very long?
HELEN
Actually I have. Why?
ELAINE
Nothing. It's just...nice. Do you mind if I smell it?
HELEN
Smell it?
ELAINE
It's just that I have this thing for fabric. I don't know, it's kind of weird. Could I just...
(HELEN hands the sweater to ELAINE. She smells it)
ELAINE
Mmm. Do you use fabric softener?
HELEN
No. Never.
ELAINE
What about that new detergent they've got out now? The 2-in-1. That stuff is great. Do you ever use that?
HELEN
No. Just plain old soap flakes.
(ELAINE thrusts her finger in HELEN'S face)
ELAINE
All right. The jig is up.
HELEN
What are you talking about?
ELAINE
This isn't your sweater. You stole it from me this morning when we were doing laundry. It belongs to my friend, Jerry.
HELEN
It does?
ELAINE
YEAH
HELEN
Oh.
ELAINE
What do you mean, oh?
HELEN
It's just that I have another one just like it.
ELAINE
You do?
HELEN
It used to belong to my husband, God rest his soul.
ELAINE
Oh.
HELEN
Well if this one belongs to your friend then I'll just have to take it back.
ELAINE
I'm sorry I...stuck my finger in your face.
HELEN
It's all right, Elaine. John Cassavettes did the same thing once when I took him to the wrong floor...
(HELEN sticks her finger in her bowl and removes a long hair)
ELAINE
What? What's wrong?
HELEN
Look at this. A hair!
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY is sitting on the couch, watching TV. There is a knock on the door. JERRY answers it. It is two policemen. JERRY instantly starts panicking when he sees them
COP
Are you Jerry Seinfeld?
JERRY
Yes.
COP
You live here?
JERRY
Do you think I live here?
COP 2
We know you live here.
JERRY
Then, sure, I live here.
COP
We've been getting some reports that someone in the building's stealing laundry out of the machines downstairs. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that?
(JERRY calms down)
JERRY
Yeah. Actually my friend was doing my laundry this morning and she came back and one of my sweaters was missing.
COP
Your friend was doing your laundry?
JERRY
Yeah.
COP
Why was your friend doing your laundry? Do you pay her?
JERRY
No. No. It's a long story. We were downtown and we were looking for a parking place. And we were circling for like, 30 minutes. And finally I see this little, tight spot. And it's tiny. So I say I'm gonna go in. Well she bet me that I couldn't parallel park in that tiny spot. And I did. So she had to do my laundry.
COP
We're gonna have to talk to this friend.
JERRY
All right. Uh, she just called. Actually she should be here any minute. You know what, why don't you come in and wait.
COP
Really?
JERRY
Yeah, why not?
COP
Oh, it's just that most people don't invite us in.
JERRY
Well I've got nothing to hide.
(The cops both start laughing.)
JERRY
No, really. Nothing.
COP
Then maybe we'll take a look around.
JERRY
Be my guest.
(The cops enter JERRY'S apartment)
JERRY
Do you want anything to drink? I've got orange juice, milk, diet cola.
COP
Only diet?
JERRY
Yeah.
COP
I don't drink that stuff.
JERRY
So a laundry thief, huh? What kind of world do we live in?
COP 2
Tell me about it.
JERRY
One giant toilet-bowl.
COP 2
This is a nice place you've got here.
JERRY
Thanks.
COP 2
What's the rent?
JERRY
Oh, 950
COP 2
950!
JERRY
What?
COP 2
They're robbing you!
JERRY
Come on.
COP 2
We were in a place two blocks away yesterday...
COP
The Brisky place?
COP 2
Yeah. Double shooting. They had 3 bedrooms, two baths, paid 850.
JERRY
Well maybe I'll look into it.
COP 2
Well, it looks like they might pull through.
JERRY
Too bad.
(Buzzer sounds.)
BUZZER
It's George.
JERRY
Come on up.
COP 2
Is this the friend?
JERRY
No. Hey, you know I was in a cop car once.
COP 2
Yeah, what'd you do?
JERRY
Nothing.
COP
Right!
(Cops start laughing. Again.)
JERRY
No. I'm serious. I didn't do anything!
(GEORGE opens the door just a JERRY'S delivering this line. He hears JERRY say "I didn't do anything" and sees the cops. He turns and bolts)
COP
What was that?
JERRY
I don't know.
(Buzzer sounds again)
BUZZER (ELAINE'S VOICE)
It's me.
JERRY
Come up.
COP 2
Is this the one?
JERRY
Yeah, she should be up in a minute. The elevator's broken.
COP 2
So...
JERRY
Yeah...
(An awkward silence. ELAINE appears at the door, holding the sweater)
JERRY
My sweater!
ELAINE
I told you.
COP 2
Wait a minute.
JERRY
This is it. This is the sweater I was telling you about.
COP
Are you the friend?
ELAINE
The friend?
JERRY
They're looking into a big laundry theft ring. Big black market for used clothes. Matching socks, you know.
ELAINE
Oh.
COP
We've been getting reports of a woman, about your general description who's been working out of this building.
ELAINE
My description...Wait a second! Does the person you're looking for have grey hair?
COP 2
Yeah.
ELAINE
It's Helen. The elevator operator.
COP
Who?
ELAINE
This woman who used to be the elevator operator at my old building.
COP 2
A woman?
ELAINE
They can push the buttons too.
COP
All right. We're gonna have to ask you some questions.
(Enter KRAMER, tugging a kid behind him)
KRAMER
Solved!
JERRY
What are you doing?
KRAMER
I nabbed him Jerry. Oh, he was a slippery one but I got my hooks into him. (To the kid) Didn't I punk! Smell him! Come on smell him! 2-in-1!
JERRY
Kramer...
KRAMER
What's that?
JERRY
The sweater.
KRAMER
The sweater?
JERRY
Yeah. Elaine got it back.
KRAMER
Oh...So you were in on this the whole time! I knew it! It was the 2-in-1. No honest launderer would ever use a 2-in-1. It's an abomination. It's second class. I told you Jerry? Didn't I tell you.
ELAINE
It wasn't me you idiot. It was some woman who used to be the elevator operator at my old apartment.
KRAMER
A woman? They can't push the buttons.
COP
That's right.
KRAMER
Hey...
JERRY
Looks like you've got the wrong man
KID
I told you!
KRAMER
Oh yeah...(straightening out the kid's ruffled collar) No hard feelings, right...
(The kid kicks KRAMER in the shin and runs away)
KRAMER
So...Are you guys real cops?
COP2
Yeah.
KRAMER
Oh (a beat)
(KRAMER bolts out the door)
INT. ELEVATOR
GEORGE hurries into the elevator. HELEN is already standing inside, in the corner, angrily pressing the buttons. GEORGE points to the button pad on the wall.
GEORGE
Oh. "1" please.
(HELEN shoots him a stare)