Scream Queens Episode 5 Recap: Pumpkin Patch

Scream Queens Episode 5 Recap: Pumpkin Patch

In a house full of eight crazy non-eaters and one mean dean, Lea Michele’s Hester is emerging as possibly the most evil of them all. Her connection to the campus murders is unclear, but she’s got to be masterminding something beyond becoming second-in-command to Zayday (a job title more tragic than anything we’ll ever see on The Bachelor).

In episode 5, “Pumpkin Patch,” the new cover girl with the missing neck brace manipulates the possibly also murderous candle vlogger into helping her throw Original Chanel in jail for the murder of Ms. Bean. We’re treated to a riveting few seconds of Orange Is the New Fake Fur until Chanel No. 3’s dad — still Charles Manson, if anyone cares — wires more than enough cash to bail her out.

Fresh out of the slammer, Chanel sends the eternally misbehaved Chanel No. 5 — a Mary Todd Lincoln if there ever was one — to light all the jack-o'-lanterns in her tricked-out pumpkin patch…where, wouldn’t you know it, the Red Devil shows up to wander the perfect replica of the maze from The Shining with giant scissorhands and a license to kill. Tonight’s murder victim is Dodger, the lesser-liked twin hookup partner of Little Miss Sunshine. He really should have fueled up at the cluster of cherubic fountains urinating Red Bull and vodka before that long trek through the snow.

No one really needs to rescue kidnapped KKT presidential hopeful Zayday, since the “Black Die Hard” is apparently able to escape the Red Devil’s costuming lair all on her own. But once Grace and Pete interrupt Gigi and Professor Dad in his bedroom (“Honey, we were high-fiving” is the best euphemism for sex I’ve ever heard), the four of them and our girl Denise Hemphill of Secure Enforcement Solutions have nothing better to do — so why not descend into hell? Armed with tasers, compasses, and decoder rings, the merry band of fools heads down to the scary cellar where Zayday was previously flung into a pit and lavished with gift baskets, Silence of the Lambs-style.

But Zayday is gone, and suddenly the lights go out. There’s the Red Devil again, this time in night vision goggles. Then, in a truly unbeweavable blur of bewildered faces and power tools, Denise tases Gigi in the boob, and Gigi tases the killer before he escapes out of a tunnel. Where the hell are they?! Zayday’s red velvet pincushion looks to be about six stories down. I would love for the show’s entire premise to be that it was a live-action Chutes and Ladders board this whole time.

I hadn’t noticed before, but the Red Devil has some pretty dazzling black fingernails painted on its leather gloves.

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Photo: Courtesy of FOX.

If anyone asked me to explain Scream Queens in real life, I’d hand over a printout of that screen grab and then slink away in shame (because it’d really need Niecy Nash’s audio to tell the full story).

Tonight’s Big Reveal Gigi (Nasim Pedrad) is in #cahoots with the Red Devil. “That got way out of hand,” she informs it or one of its clones later that night in plain view on campus. “He’s gotta go.” Who’s gotta go? We can assume she’s not talking about Prof. Dad, since the new couple has another salad date in a few minutes. Perhaps she didn’t think the previous Red Devil’s nails were ‘90s enough, so she’s asking a second, outdoor-only Red Devil to consult with the totally unknown leader of the Red Devils about terminating the lackey in the costuming lair.

Or maybe Gigi just put a hit out on Diego Boneta, whose character’s name is technically Pete, but I’d bet a platter of Oakland Nachos that no one in the history of Scream Queens viewership has ever been aware of that.

Tricks Of The Night

Photo: Courtesy of FOX.

Dodger, Chanel No. 5 and Rodger simulating the Eiffel Tower so we finally understood the point of calling them that…

Candle Vlogger barely having a moment in her busy ant-farming schedule for Chanels 5 and 6…

Photo: Courtesy of FOX.

…and the perfect encapsulation of Chad Radwell in the absurd new opening credits.

Legit Scariest Thing of the Night:

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Photo: Courtesy of FOX.

Chanel No. 5’s “toenail cookies.”

In Other News Chanel’s latest nickname for the lesbian pledge is “Kitty Puncher,” Jamie Lee Curtis was tragically made to say, “Sorry, not sorry” out loud, and even the most self-respecting woman on campus, Denise Hemphill of Secure Enforcement Solutions, has been sleeping with Chad Radwell. Mostly they just role-play.

You have the right to remain sexy, Halloween queens! No, no, don’t check your calendar. Just get the coordinates on your compass. It’s gonna be fine. Denise Hemphill will be right over to help you out.

Photo: Courtesy of FOX.

Who’s the real killer? Should next week’s recap be a pile of Niecy Nash’s facial expressions? Discuss.