Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Wednesday Is As Wednesday Does

Given the awful news coming out of Portland I'm doing my best to remain positive, so instead of contemplating what it is about America that turns people into gun-wielding maniacs (and don't say it's the guns, because everybody knows if we were all armed to the teeth like the Second Amendment wants us to be that this sort of thing would never happen) I'll instead celebrate the capture of the "hipster bandit," as forwarded by a reader:

So what makes him a hipster bandit instead of just a regular bandit? Here's what:

Oglesby earned the nickname the "Hipster Bandit" after a witness in the August robbery told police that he "looked like a hipster."
Thanks to that witness, police were able to narrow the list of suspects down to only the entire population of Portland. And if you're wondering what forces a hipster to turn to a life of crime, the answer is something called "heroin:"

Once arrested, Oglesby repeated to authorities, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry,'' the complaint says. He told police he was addicted to heroin.

I think the lesson here is obvious: Stay off the heroin, because it can turn you into a total hipster. Also, buy yourself a gun, so you don't have to rob banks with cowardly notes like some kind of hipster.

(Or, if hugs are not available, as is the case in most of America's broken homes, simply substitute hugs with guns--and plenty of prescription anti-depressants, which don't count as drugs.)

Speaking of Portland, another reader tells me there's actually a show called "American Hipster," and they made an episode all about the "freak bikes" there:

And it opens with somebody who would be an adult anywhere else in the country playing ring toss on someone's tombstone:

"We're in the cemetery and it's stupid dark out. There are three tires and a bike I might not be familiar with riding, and I've gotta try to get as many tires as I can over the obelisk of a tombstone that may or may not be lit up with a bike light."

I always thought people moved to cities to escape the suburbs and find themselves, but I guess they do it so they can continue acting like bored teenagers well into their 30s--behavior which is often mistaken for being "inventive:"

Until recently the term "hipster" was considered a hopelessly dated cliché used only by the bitter and uncool (that's why I used it), but now it would seem that the idea is to claim it and thereby "own" it, just as other minorities have done with their own slurs. My theory for this is that there's now a resurgence in hipster pride happening in America's trendier cities, since most formerly hipster neighborhoods (Williamsburg, for example) have since been taken over by real estate developers and garden variety rich douchebags. Whereas once the hipsters displaced people, now they themselves have been displaced, and so they're acquiring a new veneer of sincerity and humility--unless they manage to make more money, in which case they themselves become garden variety rich douchebags. By the way, did you know that hipsters are also bikes? Because they are:

They're also "dangerous:"

This is evidenced by their willingness to rob banks with notes, and to eat donuts shaped like penises:

(He's got two fingers right on that donut's scranus.)

Anyway, after defining "hipster" in various ways the show goes on to explore Portland's freak bike scene:

And to talk to Jake Ryder, a freak bike fabricator:

"I started a new project, it's a drift trike? Something I can take down the west hills over here in Portland, so it's kind of like an adult Big Wheel tricycle?"

I object very strongly to his use of the word "adult." Just because it's bigger and he's 30 doesn't mean the word applies.

And here are some American hipsters owning the hopelessly dated cliché that is themselves:

And here's a freak bike that I suspect has toe overlap:

And here's Dabe:

(Right now a bunch of people are going, "Hey, it's Dabe!")

The show never explains who Dabe is, the implication being that if you don't already know then you're a total loser.

Anyway, my first instinct was to laugh off the whole freak bike thing as a childish waste of time. Actually, that's still the way I feel about it, but then I realized that there's almost no difference between freak bikes and Fredliness--which is also a childish waste of time, something I'm acutely aware of being a latent Fred myself. (Really, I'm sort of a Fred in remission since I think I've finally managed to quit bike racing and leg shaving, but there's always the possibility of a relapse.) Consider the "Dead Babies:"

"We find these things? Like? Old bikes? They used to be somebody's baby? Like, we Frankenstein them back together? "*

*[Please note that this is not a verbatim quote, I tried to transcribe it but it hurt my brain far too much.]

Sure, they're gigantic nerds in biker vests, and sure it's embarrassing that they actually have a philosophy. (I would have respected them a lot more if they'd simply explained themselves by saying, "Dead babies are awesome.") At the same time, is wearing a leather vest that says "Dead Babies" any sillier than wearing a Lycra kit with the name of some local business on it that you pay to wear? I'd argue no, and in fact I'd go so far as to say it's less silly. Same thing goes for the goofy nicknames. Is calling yourself "Arizona Dave" any goofier than calling yourself the "club champion" or crafting a bio for yourself on your team's website in which you actually refer to yourself as a "rouleur?" (In amateur bike racing "rouleur" just means you suck even worse than the "climbers" and the "sprinters.") Also no, since Arizona Dave is probably from Arizona, but the "club champion" is only the champion of the handful of people who are stupid enough to wake up that early on a weekend and ride their bikes fast before they've even had a decent bowel movement.

And what about this group ride in which the freak bikers all set out after reciting some line from a Roger Corman movie?

Yes, that too seems ridiculous--until you consider the people waking up at 4:30am, putting on Lycra outfits with local business names on them, and riding around at top speed with full colons.

At least the freak bikers probably went to the bathroom.

It's even true of the bikes themselves. When you think about it, is this:

Any more idiotic than this?

Really, the only reason I might not pick the top bike(s) over the bottom bike is that I don't have any friends with whom to ride it.

Anyway, if nothing else, this video should serve as a wake-up call. Let he who is without Fredliness cast the first u-lock, and so forth. Also, cyclocross racers are not exempted from any of this, since this year cyclocross has officially gone Full Fred and is becoming increasingly indistinguishable from road racing.

That's why you should skip all of it and just get a bike sauna, forwarded by another reader:

(Two shirtless men enjoy a playful frond fight in the back of their bike sauna.)

Last night on my commute home I passed a guy on a TARK MADRONE with crabon wheels. He was also commuting home. I told him that he was riding one hell of a nice commuter bike. He told me that his commuter was in the shop because it was in such bad shape it was beyond his ability to repair it. So I said what happened? The brake pads wear out? ZING!!!!!

As much as I think those hipsters are funny and kind of bizarre, and live their lives entirely different than mine,I laugh because I would totally go out on their freak rides with them. Most likely regularly.

I'd watch that show? But there are like, too many questions? It hurt's my brain? Just reading your transcriptions? That's what a rouleur is? That's totally me. Awesome post today Snob? Keep up the good work?

In other news, those of you who commute between Brooklyn and Manhattan via the Manhattan bridge may be aware of the 2 or 3 gigantic raised steel plates that appeared on Tillary St. near Sands St. recently, as you approach the bridge.

I was aware of them, but not aware enough this morning as I made my way slowly to the right of Tillary behind a large flat bed truck. Yes, the giant plates made a surprise appearance and my front wheel didn't feel like rolling up the 3-4 inch edge of the corner of the rightmost plate and dug in its heels, so to speak. The surprise plate appearance didn't give me time to do a proper hop, actually none whatsoever.

So my front wheel stopped, but my body kept moving and didn't stop until it hit the road about 3 feet in front of my bicycle. Besides some aches and pains, I'm fine though. My bicycle, including my bag lunch and various electronic do-dads that where in my pannier, are also fine.

My coffee machine decided not to work this morning either.

I can't wait for 12-12-12 to be over. And to think that 12 used to be my lucky number.

The only thing that puts into question the authenticity of Jake is the simple fact that he is not building with lugs and it appears most of his "Frankensteins" are freewheels or coasters. What the fuck is up Jakester?

If I may be so bold as to answer your question on behalf of Messrs. WCRM/RTM/et.al.

He has probably ridden a TT bike and determined they are:

a) intended to be ridden in Time Trials, the least pleasant form of bicycle cycling.b) frequently ridden by triathletes, a species of competitor frequently fit but lacking in all bicycle cycle handling skills.c) the epitome of marketing to Fred-dom in that they are impractical for roughly 130% of all bicycle cycling.d) a tool of Satan that sucks in every non-positive way possible.e) fuggly.

The Oregonian reports that Harvie Dale Ogelsby lll , aka the Hipster Bandit, recanted his heroin confession. Instead, he robbed banks to pay for his boyfriend's sex-change operation. Ogelsby credits the film DOG DAY AFTERNOON as inspiration.

Anonymous @ 3:34 - Let me get this straight: If he does more research, his mind is gonna be blown wide open as he finds out all sorts of amazing facts about "people from the portland bike scene" that contradicts his earlier conclusion that you're all basically just dicking around with trivial shit?

I saw a guy riding a fully-fledged time trial bike this morning on the Hudson River Greenway while the rest of us lumped ourselves, our panniers and our humbler bikes to work.I don't laugh at the Freds as much as you do, Snob, but he suddenly made me very, very aware of Fredliness's absurdity.Invisible.

That's some herd core right there. I mean, I'd move to P'rtland, but I have a good job here in the Midwest (represen'in!) and my shit's all comfortable an' sheeit. So, probs not. Although, ain't no bbq like a Felix bbq, so that makes me wanna move. And buy a bike.

C'mon, Snob! Anyone who has ever raced knows that EVERYBODY POOPS before a race! Sometimes multiple times! The lines for the Porta-Potties are always longer than the ones at the checkstands at Costco. Whether it's because of nerves, the 4 cups of coffee for breakfast, or to get down to "race weight", EVERYBODY POOPS.

Every race day kit should include a rubber glove. You know...for the pre-race digital cleansing. For the racer with little time to waste. BTW, if there was anything I could ever UNsee, it would be the race day porta potty. By the time the elites go off, it looks like a rabid, feces hurling baboon had been caged in there. Ever get dookie on your bib straps? Be glad. And don't shake my hand.

You dump at the house, then jump in the shower before the race to avoid "dirtybottomitis" which is painful and embarassing. Never ride a bike on a dirty bottom. That's my advice to you today. Thanks Snob, for bringing up this important health issue.

I told my dog that if he and his buiddies were going to bury bones, they shouldn't dig up Tillary Street.

They never listen.

Sorry to hear about going ass over tea kettle. In similar situations, I have replaced the Pee Wee Herman trope "I meant to do that" with "I've got the moves like Jagger -- and we both could use a chiropracter."

Mr. Bike Snob, I saw a 30 something hipster type shopping with a middle aged woman and by the way she was acting I suspected she was his mother. the guy had his hat tilted back on his head and the bill was sticking out to the side. I guess I'm just out of it. Physically grown men, acting prissey, and wearing "little girl pants" is just pathetic.

"The sheriff said the rifle jammed (several times) during the attack, but the shooter managed to get it working again."(Bloomington Il Pantograph) Yeah. Just enough time for me to draw my S&W CCW, and stop him. Sorry, wasn't there to stop the gun wielding maniac. Also wasn't there to stop the 9-11 guys. Wonder what would have happened if...? Switzerland issues assault rifles to all adults that complete mandatory military participation after high school. Don't hear much from them about maniacs. Maybe their afraid they'll shoot back?

I knew there was an article about this over on VN. I looked it up...discusses the importance of hygiene on the pro tour. Interestingly Phillippe Gilbert, of all people, claims he always rides on "a dirty bottom."

@leroy-Mcfly- it's not fun. My comment was an observation, not hate. The observation being, disasters can be avoided, if one has the ability to answer them. To blame the weapon absolves the user. Snob can be wrong, can't he? Anon 8:25.

Mr. Bike Snob, no one roasts "Fredliness" like do. I know the wife of a Fred/lone wolf hybrid who would rather be sick or injured than ride with her husband. I suspect the OCD that drives the "Freds" has turned off countless people who would really benefit by riding bicycles.

so - did portland hipstery d-bags and their "freak bikes" co-opt SCUL and black label bike club? the former were a bunch of super nerdy MIT computer science nerds who pretended they were on intergalactic nerd missions vaguely reminiscent of a much nerdier version of star trek (hint - they were nerds), and the latter were a bunch of scary bastards until they moved to brooklyn, then they got all soft and shit. it's not tall bike jousting unless you have tridents.

Hipsters are inventive? Yes, and hippies smell good and IT folk are socially aware. No, hipsters, like all other tribes, buy stuff that ensures their conformity. They tell their coiffeur to cut to look like so and so with plenty of under cut. Like all other urban tribes, they like to bleat about how much they spend on such services. Their bike mechanics ooze mystical authority. Yep, hipsters are just dumb fucks who just don't know it.

The Czechs have always been a worry. Jammed between Russians and Germans, their mindset was destined to be somewhat original and independent. (Unlike hipsters.) They spawned the Bohemians who really stepped outside their starched and trussed society. Fucked like rodentia.

But the sauna looks a bit Nordick to me. The thrashing with leafy bouquets is not as horrible as Germans' predilection for bondage, but remember, the descendants of the Vikings still fuck animals with the states' blessing. Filthy cunts.

Mr Flammer. Cunts are a good thing- Without them, you wouldn't be here. I love mine, and as the proud owner of one I again ask that you kindly refrain from associating it with all of your least favourite things.

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What a bunch of whiny fucktards. I've been involved with cycling my entire life and have been a proud Dead Baby for over 10 years. If you don't understand it then you really have no place to judge it. Or, if you want to judge it, then come on a ride sometime. Seattle is where we started so why don't you make a little road trip and figure it out.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!