Ask Earl…

This being the symmetrical date of 1/1/11, I figured it was high time I offered to share some of my inspiring insights with the world at large. And what better way than offering sage advice to the masses of impulsive idlers, love-lorn lackwits, and the rest of the grammatically-challenged neanderthals that comprise the downtrodden denizens of the internet. I have opinions and they should be heard.

About me. Mythologies have arisen and rumors have spread about my early life and shadowy past. The fact is, I was sewn in a sweat shop, unceremoniously packed into a crate with a bunch of dullard dolls, and put on display in a most undignified manner at some small-town toy shop. Fortunately, I was recognized for who I am by an unusually alert human and given a clean (if questionably-appointed) home with a couple of musicians. Life isn’t too bad. I mostly sleep, watch movies, and mess about on the internet when my people aren’t around.

For those egoists out there who think I was named after you, think again. I was named after a famous entertainer, whose last name is a household word in some elevated circles, and of whom Uncle Dave Macon famously inquired, “You’re not a bit funny, are you?”

Movies are my passion and everything I didn’t learn on the internet, I absorbed through unblinking eyes watching movies as a nightly ritual. My goal in life is to be a famous film critic. But my people are just plain slothful about bringing home the sawbucks, and they had to cancel my Netflix subscription just when things were getting good. I took over as their manager to improve the overall financial outlook but everyone knows it’s just plain stupid to try to make a living as a musician, especially now when everyone thinks music is free to download at will.

What makes me so smart? Well, for one thing, I was sewn that way. Just take one look at my incredibly photogenic mug and you’ll see that the wisdom of the ages fairly emanates from my every seam. Besides, I have spent endless hours watching movies, seeing every conceivable plot situation featuring the greatest actors of all time pouring heart and soul into their interpretations; Astaire & Rogers, Bogart, Bergman, Cooper, Grant, Fudd, Marx, Dumont, Oyl and Boop.

One prevailing theme arises from the work of these great artists, and that is man’s inhumanity to monk. I’m here to help you with that. Why? Because I’m a sock monkey, and things just aren’t that complicated for me.

I’d like to start things off with a DVD review. As I never fail to mention, my Netflix subscription was canceled and I’m forced to watch movies borrowed from the local library: This is extremely risky because you just never know where a library video has been. About one-third of the movies my people bring home are rejected because I saw the same one two weeks ago, and they can’t seem to remember that I don’t need repeats when I’m building my resume as a reviewer. Another third are rejected due to sticky substances either covering the box or slathered all over the disc. Unacceptable. Several others are discounted due to the absence of car chases and fight scenes, and instead featuring smarmy costume dramas involving kissing and other unsanitary behavior. I mean, really.

Aside from my expertise in the vast canon of classic black and white movies from the early 1930’s to the late 1940’s, I have begun to specialize in a few modern genres, mostly series that come in multiple sets from the public library. An important consideration for me when becoming an acknowledged expert in a new area is that there are multiple discs in the package. Another is that the color scheme of the packaging should be pleasing to the eye.

Both of these criteria are easily met with the Monk series Eight, which I have just recently completed viewing. Two things attracted me to this set: the color scheme and the name of the protagonist. Monk turns out to be an acceptable character with many redeeming features, a character who seems to be surrounded by people without a clue. His many commendable qualities include reasonably good posture, hydrophobia, a sense of neatness and order, and the ability to communicate tersely with people. We share some of these qualities.

The plot lines are usually about people with stuffing for brains doing stupid things to each other, and then Monk is interrupted from his important routine of keeping his world in order, and is required to explain to the Captain of the San Francisco Police Department what happened. The last episode in the series has a terrifying scene with mounting tension where Monk has to stand in the rain for several minutes. The thought of dampness sends a cold chill up and down my seams. At least there is a car chase.

Mythologies have arisen and rumors have spread about my early life and shadowy past. The fact is, I was sewn in a sweat shop, unceremoniously packed into a crate with a bunch of dullard dolls, and put on display in a most undignified manner at some small-town toy shop. Fortunately, ... Continue reading →