Author Archives: Blake

After Oct. 17, my relationship shifted from a spell of ho-hum, back to the same level of love and passion we’d had in the beginning. The shift began at TurnON SF: OneTaste’s weekly meet-up, which features saucy group exercises that allow you to divulge your innermost desires. TurnON’s conclude with “intimacies,” where everyone shares one feeling about a person, the group, or the experience in general.

One woman directed her intimacy toward me. She said, “I was disappointed that you did not reveal your true self tonight.”

I felt embarrassed; I knew she was right. That night, I’d opted to be funny rather than honest. When I shared my intimacy, I decided not to hold back anymore. “Tonight I felt uncomfortable, and when I do – rather than showing my true self – I try to be an entertainer.”

After I said this, a layer of internal fog lifted and I felt 10x better. I later mentioned this to OneTase’s co-founder and he responded, “Welcome.” He also suggested I sign up for that weekend’s 3-day course: Ignited Man, which was all about learning to be vulnerable and authentic.

I took his suggestion. The course began Friday at 7:00pm and went till 10:00pm. There were introductions, bonding exercises, hugging and chest bumps. My girlfriend picked me up and expected to see change. I knew I hadn’t changed a bit. She noticed too, and I felt sad about this. To see progress, I knew I would have to push myself for the next two days.

Understanding the Issues

The following morning opened with a live demonstration of Orgasmic Meditation (OM), a 15-minute practice where the “stroker” applies a gentle stroke to the upper-left quadrant of a woman’s clitoris. After the demonstration, the woman sat up and smiled genuinely. Her satisfied grin made me realize I hadn’t seen my girlfriend smile in a while. I guess my girlfriend was feeling unfulfilled, too.

For the second part of the day, we were instructed to list 10 vulnerabilities. Mine included, “I’m afraid to commit in a relationship.” We then listed 10 desires, one of mine being, “I really want to have a three-some.” During this exercise, we had to approach one woman in public and tell her one desire, then approach another woman and share a vulnerability. I always loved approaching women. I made a habit of doing so — sometimes to the dismay of my girlfriend. She especially disliked when I did so with gimmicks such as picking the woman up in the air, and twirling her around (that was my signature move), though she didn’t mind as much if it didn’t get too physical too quickly. After all, she liked women, too, and benefited from my “approaching.”

Me and the guys drove to the Mission, and were separated into groups. As we walked toward Dolores park, I noticed a young woman sitting in the grass. I walked over and said with a smile, “Don’t worry, I’m not dangerous.” I extended my hand, “I saw you sitting here and wanted to introduce myself. Hi, I’m Rachman.” The other guys kept walking to scope out their own subjects. The woman blocked out the sun with her left hand, smiled, then shook my hand with her right.

“Nice to meet you,” she replied, “I’m Cassandra.”

As I sat down, I reminded myself to be real, and we started talking. Cassandra told me she was an energy healer. I mentioned that I had started meditating recently. “It helps me get out of my head, because sometimes I try to say the perfect thing to impress women.” I had just revealed one of my 10 vulnerabilities, and my chest loosened; I felt lighter and more relaxed. This, in turn, allowed me to be fully present in our conversation. Having an authentic conversation with an attractive woman was one of my 10 desires. My desire actually happened, as a result of me being vulnerable.

Failing Publicly

At this point, I am convinced that I have to become more authentic, in order to score more women for my girlfriend and I.

That evening, the Ignited Man class was invited to a party for a beautiful woman whose desire was to be treated like royalty. Everyone affectionately called her “The Queen” during the party. My girlfriend came later that night to pick me up, and connected with The Queen instantly. I was proud that she was able to attract The Queen, while I was too intimidated to have a conversation with her as my new, authentic self.

As the party ended, everyone headed back to OneTaste’s residence. My girlfriend’s friend was pulling her away as I was wrapping up a conversation, and I heard her yell over her should, “I’ll meet you there!”

When I arrived, however, my girlfriend wasn’t there. In fact, her friend was sitting alone in the lobby.

I called her phone. No answer.

I walked upstairs to look for her. As I passed another friend, he said, smirking, “The Queen needs 15 minutes with your girlfriend.”

What!?

I had wanted our relationship to be open to other partners, but we were supposed to be together when that happened. I felt a hot, searing pain in my chest, which I later identified as jealousy — something I hadn’t experienced very often. There hadn’t been a time when a woman liked my girlfriend more than she liked me.

Panic set in. I began imagining The Queen with a strap-on bigger than my cock, plowing my girlfriend while laughing, “Your boyfriend could never fuck you like me!”

I called again. This time she picked up.

“Where are you?” I tried to sound calm.

“In the Queen’s room…317.”

I walked over, knocked, and went in without waiting for a response. “Hi, honey!” my girlfriend said excitedly.

The Queen quickly interjected, “Is it OK if we have 5 minutes?”

I tried to think of a smart response, but no words came out. The Queen continued, “I’ve never been with a woman before.”

The only thing I could mutter while looking at the ground was, “Umm, we have these rules… about hooking up… and…” I looked at my girlfriend, and got nothing from her. She was on a totally different wavelength at this point. I gave up. “It’s OK, you two have your fun,” I pouted and walked downstairs.

I took a deep breath, then replied, “No! My girlfriend is upstairs with The Queen, hooking up without me!”

I plopped on the couch like a patient in a psychiatrists office. I recounted what had just transpired, now realizing that I had ruined a perfect opportunity to play with two turned-on women.

Five minutes later, my girlfriend came downstairs, sat, and listened as I opened up to a group of people, many of whom I did not know. My audience was empathetic, as I told them how jealous and inadequate I had felt in that moment.

My girlfriend looked on, amazed. She felt the change in me.

Being Open to Monogamy

The next day over breakfast, my girlfriend and I discussed what had happened. My reaction made me question if I could handle other women in our relationship at all. After some intense discussion she said, “I go for other women because that’s what you said you wanted. I was just taking advantage of the openness of our relationship, and I thought we could both have some fun. But I only need you. I’m happy with you and only you.”

“Wow,” I thought, “my girlfriend really loves me.”

I realized that by telling me she only wanted to be with me, she was making herself vulnerable. She put her true feelings on the line, even though she wasn’t sure how I was going to react. I could have told her I didn’t feel the same way, which would have hurt her deeply. I could have gotten scared off and decided to leave our relationship all together. She was expressing a desire for monogamy, even though I had never made it clear whether I was fully invested in our relationship. I was, in fact, relieved, because I had a sneaking suspicion that she really wanted other women more than me.

She continued, “For the record, The Queen and I didn’t hook up. When you walked out of the room, I knew you would be upset if I did, so I didn’t do it.”

I had already forgiven her, but it was comforting knowing I could really trust her, and I continued to marvel at how comfortable she seemed while being vulnerable.

After this experience, we both realized that what we really needed was to focus on each other. So, we agreed to OM every day as a way to reinforce our commitment to the relationship. Having done this for four weeks, we’ve seen a wonderful shift. By devoting 15 minutes a day to the practice, loving one another has become a habit. We’re at the peak of our relationship and I owe that to learning to be vulnerable, communicating authentically, and being consistently affectionate with my girlfriend.

We had a lovely time interviewing one of the most-quoted experts on female ejaculation for our Real Sexy “Ask the Expert” series. Deborah Sundhal’s 22 years of experience shone through as she eloquently answered our questions, and her warm tone and heart were present throughout.

Here’s the interview:

Blake: For a woman, if it’s her first time with her partner, what is a good way for her to ask if she wants to ejaculate with him/her?

Deborah: If the first time she’s with her partner and she feels like she might ejaculate with him because obviously, she’s so excited and feels so great; that’s the time that it usually just flows out of her body. And whether they’re aware of that or not, it’s instinctually there. So, the best thing to do is to just talk about female ejaculation before you even begin to get sexual.

Blake: What if her partner is grossed out by the idea of female ejaculation?

Deborah: Get another partner!

Blake: (laughs) Okay. Say, they have been together for a while, have a mortgage, and it’s not that easy to get another partner. Is there anything you recommend that she do?

Deborah: Number one, he needs to know that it’s not urine. And number two, he needs to know – as does she – that it comes from the female prostate, because prostatic fluid is what female ejaculation is. And all women have one, as do all men – a prostate that is. So, after that, he may benefit by watching my video for couples or reading my book [Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot].

Blake: Is this a problem that you have to deal with a lot? Men being opposed to the idea, or maybe even turned off by the idea of a woman ejaculating?

Deborah: No, men are dying for the experience in general. Many women have had that experience once in their life, and they’re usually seeking it again. Sometimes, for decades. So they’re very excited to have this happen to them. I would say, men are more on the other end of the spectrum. Sometimes, they apply too much pressure to their partners to ejaculate. That will shut down female ejaculation; women need to have it flow out because they are happy, secure, and excited with their partner. So, there’s very, very few men who don’t like it.

Blake: Great! And for women who want to learn how to ejaculate themselves first, before they do it with their partner, what do you recommend they do?

Deborah: If they have never ejaculated before and they want to begin to learn, the first thing to do is to read about it, and my book is the bible on that. It will tell you everything you want to know about female ejaculation as well as how to do it, step by step. And so, I’m all for women getting some information instead of just forging forward. That’s what sex education is about. We think sex is simple, but it’s actually quite sophisticated and complicated if you want it to be.

Blake: Do you recommend women use toys if they want to make themselves ejaculate, or just their fingers?

Deborah: If a woman is wanting to learn how to ejaculate, there are two ways you can go about that. If you’ve never had this G-spot, physical sensation of what does the G-spot feel like, then toys with the really hard lip… and I don’t mean the curve – the pokers – I mean, one with the really hard lip… If you insert that into the vagina, it pops up. This hard lip kind of pops up behind the tail of the G-spot, the back end of the G-spot. And I talk about this head, body, and tail in my book so that women can really get more articulate about this organ that they call the G-spot… so it’s not a spot, it’s an organ. But the area that’s most sensitive to most women who are first learning to awaken those sensations of the G-spot is the tail end, and the best way to feel that feeling is to get a toy with the thick lip and insert it into the vagina and then pull firmly forward nice and slow, and you’ll feel that feeling. It is astonishing!

Pearl: What is the second way that women can learn? The first way is the toy. Is the second way with the fingers or something else?

Deborah: The second way is to again approach ejaculating firstly through awakening the sensations of the G-spot. Like I said, they’re numbed out. And so, you’re basically getting to know this organ, and you do that with your finger with some quiet time, uninterrupted for about a hour. Breathe and relax, no stimulation. Just first of all, to see the G-spot in your vagina. You can actually see it. And then, locate it with your fingers to get to it and explore it, millimeter by millimeter. The head which surrounds the urethra opening, the body and its ridges which is just inside the opening of the vagina. Then, as you slip your finger along the body of the G-spot, your finger will naturally crawl behind the tail – and to explore that, and to really, really, really get acquainted with this organ that they said does not exist.

So you see, my approach is not kind of a wam-bam thing, it’s really slow and meditative and really getting to know this organ.

Blake: Is the most common reason why women don’t want to ejaculate, the fear that they’re actually going to pee?

Deborah: Well, let me ask your partner there: Pearl?

Pearl: Yeah! It does feel like the pressure, by touching the G-spot, you’re actually pushing a little bit on the urethral tract, and so you do feel a little bit of sensation in that area like you’re going to pee.

Deborah: Women clamp down on the urge to ejaculate because it feels like the urge to pee. And as we know, the last thing that any woman in the world wants to do is pee when she’s making love. So you can believe that most women for their sexual life have clamped down when they’re making love, instinctually, not even knowing about it.

We are building mass of amounts of fluid here and where is it going?

So, letting go is women’s biggest obstacle. And that’s why it can take a woman a year of working at it to finally let go and to really gush forth.

Pearl: With all the media hype around Kegel exercises and your pelvic floor muscle, do you think that’s actually hurt the practice of female ejaculation?

Deborah: It’s a really excellent question. I can’t answer that, but I do know as far as female ejaculation goes, that 30% of men and women have chronic pelvic muscle tension. So what we’re learning with that is if you do Kegel’s, it’s not good for chronic tension because when muscles are tensed chronically, that means they cannot relax. You can do yoga and breathe all day long; you’re not gonna relax that muscle. It must be manually pushed upon by a professional, say a physical therapist who studies muscles as a profession. They know trigger points on these muscles, and they just push on it, and it helps it to relax so you can cure it really quickly, but you have to know what you’re doing. And that where a therapist comes in. So doing Kegel’s in that situation is not a good idea at all. Places like the clinic and so forth have said to stop doing that. So I’ve stopped, I’ve stopped teaching about Kegel’s because many women do have weak pelvic muscles or tensed pelvic muscles, and that can prevent women from ejaculating.

Pearl: Who’s able to do the sort of physical therapy you talk about?

Deborah: Physical therapists are trained in the muscles of the body. Unfortunately, the pelvic muscles are usually left out of their training. Even masseuses, they don’t exactly know the pelvic muscles. If you can imagine anything remotely connected with sexuality, it’s still not studied in the society. So the first thing you do is go to a physical therapist who has taken it upon herself or himself to work in this area with the pelvic floor. These are people doing Feldenkrais or Alexander Technique, these people have studied the posture of the muscles and bones, I mean, that’s what those two modalities are about. The fourth is people who are sexological body workers. And the sexological body workers, especially the ones trained outside of the USA have had more classes with the anatomy muscles of the body. And so, they too know a lot about the pelvic floor muscles.

But this is a field that is going to blossom. I think that [the pelvic floor muscle] is the most important thing about sexuality in this decade. We don’t have the tension because of the Kegel’s, we have tension because this is the floor of the muscles — a ball of muscles that hold up every organ in our torso. And as we know, if we hold any kind of emotional trauma or misuse, abuse, it affects the muscles of the body at large. This is well-known in body work. And so, what do you think is happening with our pelvic floor muscles when we live in a body-phobic and sex-phobic culture? You better believe that those muscles can be a twisted mess.

Blake: Let’s talk about your workshops. Can you describe your workshops that you’re touring the world with, and what they’re all about?

Deborah: They are mostly for women, either they’re one day or weekend, and this is where women get the opportunity to be in a group of women that is supportive and going through the same thing she is: trying to figure out where this G-spot is, what it feels like, what’s the story behind it is and how to get it working again. In other words, flowing like a fountain. It’s sort of informative because you get to hear the stories of others and nothing can compare to that really, sharing an experience that’s actually kind of profound. So, that’s what those workshops are about and I take them through the steps that I have in a book about how to approach the G-spot and how to awaken its sensitivity with your own fingers.

Deborah: Through that process, many women will ejaculate on day 3, which is always exciting. But this isn’t about a show, this is about women in a kind of a psychological process – really, kind of a physical, sexual process – that they’re learning new things about their body – erotic body – and how to make it work.

Blake: Is this for women only? Or can couples attend also?

Deborah: I do couple’s workshops. Once a year in the United States.

Blake: Who do you recommend attend your workshops?

Deborah: Most women who’ve read my book, Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot, and want to learn more about it or perhaps have an obstacle… or they’re just excited and they just want to have an instructor to help them along with this process that they’re on. You get a lot of that as we all know; books are good, but nothing works like going to a class. That’s mostly the women who attend. Women who want to learn more about their bodies.

Blake: And for those who can’t make it to the workshop, you offer online workshops as well, right?

Deborah: Yes, which is the same type of workshop as the weekend workshop, just a session divided up into 5 consecutive weeks. What’s great about online is: number 1, if you are just painfully shy or you can’t travel across the country, online is great for that. And the benefit to online above anything else is you have one whole week to integrate a bit of information instead of a weekend immersion. And I find that the bond between women and the group grows deeper and their process actually gets a little deeper because they just have more time to integrate and to work on everything.

Blake: How can someone find your workshops, and sign up for them?

Deborah: My workshops, you can sign up for and find out more information on my website which is DeborahSundahl.com.

Blake: Thanks for taking the time to do this interview with us, Deborah!

We had the pleasure of interviewing well-known sex educator Dr. Charlie Glickman for our Real Sexy “Ask the Expert” series. Charlie currently runs Good Vibes’ sex education program in San Francisco, CA and conducts his own workshops on topics ranging from prostate play to getting over shame and sex. It was a true joy listening to him answer our questions and eloquently impart some valuable sex ed.Read More »

I wrote this post to give you one simple way to improve your relationship. If you’re a non-drinker or if you genuinely do not have a problem with alcohol, then read this post and consider another destructive habit that you want to banish in order to improve your relationship. I’ve stopped drinking 3 months ago, and this has unmistakably been the key factor in our relationship’s recent improvement. We’re closer than ever, we fight less, and we’re closer to an ideal relationship than I ever imagined. There’s a number of things that contributed to our success – like reading one relationship book per month – but the one thing that has allowed me to be a better boyfriend, was giving up alcohol forever.

Here are three reasons why I stopped drinking:

Reason #1 To be able to perform during group sex
At a play party, my partner found a very attractive tall blonde and apparently I had sex with her. Sadly, I don’t remember any of it because I drank too much. Bummer! We went to another play party a few weeks later. I drank, smoked weed, and 30 minutes later, I vomited all over the carpet. I spent the rest of the night curled in the fetal position, in my partner’s arms, while she turned down advances from really hot women. I promised myself, to never again miss out on fun sexual adventures like these.

So I decided “I’m giving up alcohol for 30 days”. Although we did not go to another play party, we did notice an immediate change in my mood. I was much nicer, and even when my partner and I argued, I did not lose my temper, as I had done sometimes previously. After a 30 day alcohol break, I started drinking again. After one weekend of drinking, I fully recovered by Sunday, and was feeling 100% by Monday… or so I thought.

Reason #2 To gain more control over my emotions

That Monday, we got into huge fight over something trivial and we nearly broke up. I realized then that, not only am I an asshole when I drink, but I’m asshole several days later, because my mood was is affected by the weekend’s drinking. I thought that once you got past the hangover the day following drinking, then you’re pretty much free of alcohol’s affects. But for me, its affects were felt much later than one day, and caused mood swings, even with a moderate 3 – 4 drinks a night. https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/problems/alcoholanddrugs/alcoholdepression.aspx

This was a not-so-obvious reason to stop drinking, but the 30-day break allowed me to see the subtle affect alcohol had on my mood.

Reason #3 To keep a good relationship going

Even though our fights were not a regular occurrence, we believed that we did not have to fight at all. So something needed to change. I could’ve done many things to improve our relationship, like taking a seminar, or seeing a relationship counselor — but there was one thing that would have the biggest impact, in the shortest amount of time. Since nearly all of our fights happened after a weekend of drinking, it was clear that alcohol was the elephant in the room, and it needed to be poached.

How I gave up alcohol for good

We won’t really know if my method is successful until a few years from now, but my goal was to not drink at all, and I’ve gone without drinking the longest stretch of time since I began in college. I feel like this is a great success since it has improved my relationship drastically. So much so that, when I watch my favorite love story, Last of the Mohicans, I can really relate to what those characters are feeling!

1. Having several reasons to stop drinking are better than having only one

Take a look at all the things that alcohol affects in your life. How are your relationships, sex life, bank account and your productivity affected by alcohol? Even if alcohol has a minor negative affect in all areas, when you add them together, it can still have a substantial impact on your overall quality of life.

2. You don’t need to be an alcoholic to justify giving up alcohol

If you’re not a certified alcoholic, it is difficult to justify banishing it from your life. This is why alcohol can be so destructive: because you can easily underestimate its affect on you. As Brian Tracy says, for any life goal, each action is either moving you towards or away from that goal. The same is true with a successful relationship; you’re either moving towards or away from it. Consider this question the next time you order your 4th or 5th drink: “Is this drink helping me move toward having a better relationship?” If it’s not, then put it down! You don’t need it.

3. Take a break from alcohol to see how your relationship improves without it

When my partner and I stopped drinking for 30 days we saw a drastic improvement in how we related to each other. When I started drinking again, we immediately saw the reverse happen. However, at the time it was not so obvious that alcohol was the problem, because we did not argue as much when I was drinking, as we did the following Wednesday or Thursday. Without taking a long break from alcohol, we would have not discovered how much alcohol was affecting my mood.

4. Quitting forever is easier than quitting for 30 days

During the 30 days of no drinking, I found myself saying, “Oh man I can’t wait till the first of the month, so I can drink again!” This craving was torturous. When I decided to give up drinking for good, it was much easier for me to abstain from alcohol because my identity was that of a non-drinker. Your identity has the biggest impact on the actions you take in life and by no longer identifying myself as a “drinker” made it easier to resist alcohol, versus being a drinker who is “taking a 30-day break.” I figured that as a non-smoker it was easy to resist a cigarette, why not consider myself a non-drinker as well?

I hope this article helps you abstain from anything that’s not helping you in your relationship.

Just remember how much better your life could be by removing the bullshit that you don’t need.

While working late one night with Pearl, she looked up form her desk, and made a comment that caught my attention.

“Babe, I found something you might like.”

“What is it?”

“Porn,” she said.

Now how was I supposed to concentrate after hearing something like that, right?

So I got up, walked over, and had a look.

All I could say was, WOW!

I had no idea porn could be this good. For so long I thought that porn was just low production value, fake breasts, too much makeup, or that user-generated amateur stuff you see on Youporn.com

I’ve since learned that there’s this world of porn with movie-like cinematography, attractive women, and yes even an interesting story line. It’s called fem porn, or porn made with women in mind. My favorite so far, which Pearl found via the “Best Feminist Movie” award nominees, is Cabaret Desire by Erika Lust. http://www.lustcinema.com/Cabaret-Desire/

Typical porn sites like Brazzers.com are great, but most of the scenes cut right to sex… no story, no intrigue, no build-up. While this is good if you want to knock one out real quick before going to work, they’re terrible if you want to feel full levels of arousal. For this, you’ll need something a little more interesting that can hold your attention. Porn made by women, for women does just this. It takes into account the entire sexual experience: the build-up, the anticipation, the chase, the subtleties that all add to a woman being turned on, and yes – the sex too. But not the kind of sex where it’s clear they’re just paid actors. This is the real, hot, genuine, sincere sex where you actually believe the man and woman have a connection.

Naturally, watching Cabaret Desire changed how I go about a night of self-gratification.

When it came to porn, I didn’t care about the story, I didn’t care if her boobs or hair were real, I just wanted to jerk-off then go to sleep. Now when I do decide to spank the monkey, I don’t do it with the same 0 – 60 mph mentality. I instead take the time to feel the sensations in my body. Over time, this has made me a better lover because I’m not so focused on the outcome of finishing, but instead enjoying the ride. I’ve also learned that a loose soft touch, and bringing my attention to the sensations in my body, lead to deeper levels of arousal, then just pumping with the grip of death. I have my girlfriend to thank for teaching me how to touch myself less like a man and more like a woman 🙂

More on this later.

If you’re into porn, and want something that is more interesting that your typical steady-cam amateur-point-of-view shot, then watch Cabaret Desire by Erika Lust.