Technology I really want to see

I went on a wild time machine ride the other day thanks to a song on satellite radio. It had been on the first CD I ever owned. I got it the same Christmas I got my first CD player. It must have been 1987. Two CDs were all I had, and one of them was INXS. I was blown away by the sound. The perfect sound. Clear. Powerful. The plaster in my room cracked. And there was no hiss. Cassette tapes had hiss. Records had hiss. But not CDs. I didn’t even realize you could make music without it!

For me, it was revolutionary technology. As I listened to the song, I thought about our high tech world. How it’s all around us. Ever-changing. Even assaulting. Yet, how much of it is truly revolutionary anymore? Like that first CD player?

Some of it, yeah. Video phone calls? That’s pretty cool. So is HDTV, Google Maps and the day I realized I could turn down the beeping buttons on my digital stove. We’re talking life-changing!

But most of modern day technology? Not so much. Have we peaked? Have we hit the height of the revolution?

Maybe we just need to re-focus engineers, tech giants and all those inventor geeks out there searching for the next great idea. The next revolutionary invention. So I have rigorously and methodically spent 22 minutes coming up with high tech ideas that I think will change how we see the world:

It’s time kitchen appliances got some attention. For instance, the lowly toaster. Why is it we can land a giant, technology-laden rover on Mars — it’s like a billion miles away and one of the most inhospitable environments in the solar system! — but my bagel still gets burned after 5 seconds in the toaster. Doesn’t matter what setting I put it on. Flaming, torched bagel. Invent me a toaster that can make the perfect bagel.

What about a device that connects to my home phone diverting all calls from marketing solicitors to the desks of other solicitors. How cool would that be?

A robot butler. I’m not even sure what I would do with him. Iron my socks? Make coffee for the neighborhood kids? Chase squirrels? Count leaves? Who cares? I just know I’ve always wanted one. Well, with one caveat: It can’t be smarter than me. I want a dumb one. Just as bad as math, and forgets simple household things, like where the bathroom is when you really have to go.

How about a text message that pops up on peoples’ phones that reads: “Hey, stupid-face, did you forget you’re driving!?! You just ran over your neighbor’s cat!”

Actually, this next one I’ve read a little about. Apparently the next wave of technology and handheld devices will be in clothing and accessories. Imagine your phone as an ultra-trendy watch. Or a camera as a pendant. But what I really want is a technology cape … like Dracula. How cool would that be? No one wears capes anymore. I don’t know why. They’re pretty awesome. So I think technology companies should bring the cape back and fill them with tablets and WIFI and recordings that automatically say, “Make fun of my cape and my iPad will suck your blood!”

An idiot detector. You know, something that detects them BEFORE you start talking to them. Like at a party. Ever start talking to someone who looks pretty normal and harmless, then 15 seconds into the conversation they say something like, “You know what I think the world needs? Technology capes!” But you’re locked in. You can’t extract yourself. The idiot detector (patent pending) would alert you of the danger. Maybe it will spot pockets of hot air blowing. Or notice how other people run from certain people.

Google and others are experimenting with self-driving cars. Pretty cool. But is anyone working on self-driving cars that get angry? What fun will it be riding in passive, non-confrontational vehicles? No one will get cut off. No one will get the finger. No one will get in fights on the side of the road. No, that’s not revolutionary. That’s a train. We want anger and frustration. Getting out blood boiling. Just don’t run over the neighbor’s cat.