I’ve wanted to go on a vacation. Let’s face it, who doesn’t like vacations? Guess that would depend on the destination and whether it was planned or thrust on you.

I have had a horrid month. First there is the unplanned vacation. 8 nights and 9 days sounds wonderful. I picture a nice tropical beach with calm, clear water and balmy breezes. Uh no! I got to see how the inside of a psyche ward operates. My fault as I did something stupid. I wanted help, I got it!!!

Transportation

My daughter drove me there to the ER.

Check-In

I was checked in.

I was relieved of all of my belongings and given my first lovely gown to wear. Security waved his wand over me check for metal in places I would rather not mention. He can wave the wand all he wants.

Was my home for almost 60 hours while they found a bed because I went to an ER that didn’t have a Behavioral Health Unit and I don’t have insurance

Behavioral Health Unit

Transferred there by ambulance still dressed in that becoming robe. The doors were locked and I was checked for any injuries and noted on chart. My picture was taken for the chart.

The Amenities

Everything brought in had to be checked before giving it to us

Clothing – not necessary (you can wear their cool hospital gowns)

Food provided – actually too much was provided and I soothed myself with food, hence the 20 lb weight gain

Room – comes complete with one grumpy roommate who rarely stepped foot out of her bed….made sure I wouldn’t retreat to my bed as well

Hot showers – complete with nasty mold…ugh, ick…eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Bed checks – every damn 15 minutes….I got tired of waving at them (needless to say I didn’t sleep well)

Medication – yeah, what a treat, everything but what I wanted them to give me

The Activities

1 tv for 20 patients

Fun therapy sessions

Daily visits with Psychiatrist, Nurse and Social Worker

More pills

Books, magazines and puzzles (no shuffleboard)

Occasional visitors

Constant staff changes just to mix things up

I finally found the secret combination to get me out (I am a little slow on the uptake sometimes, besides I was drugged up and so drowsy I couldn’t have cared less half the time)

Check Out

They finally said I showed 2 days of improvement so I was able to go. My daughter picked me up again.

Yeah done, not so fast. I had to agree to:

Partial hospitalization which is 5 hours of therapy a day, 5 days aweek, but I get to go home and sleep in my own bed. This is for a minimum of 2-4 weeks. They they have some other programs listed. I am on day 7 of the Intensive Out Patient (IOP) program and so tired of it already.

Now comes the next fun part:

Friday I don’t feel well, my clothes were wet and my skin was clammy. My thermometer wouldn’t work, but I was burning up.

Saturday back to the hospital I had just left to the ER. I arrived with a temp of almost 105 degrees and terrible body pains.

They figure I have pneumonia since I am hacking up a lung and wheezing something fierce. My asthma is out of control. Or maybe Flu or some other infection.

No flu, no pneumonia.

They attach an IV and give me fluids and another antibiotic.

I have soaked the sheet and gown twice and had to change.

Finally the temp goes down and after taking a huge amount of vials of blood to do cultures, they don’t know what is wrong. The blood cultures should be done Friday and maybe I will know something.

I created this blog for my writing, most of which has been fiction. This, for the record, is not fiction. This is how I have spent my last 3 or so weeks. It was my own fault. I have mentioned my Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety/Panic and OCD before. Oh and I have a new diagnosis to add to that “PTSD.”

So if anyone happened to wonder what happened to me, here it is in a nutshell!

Tessa

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About Tessa

Tessa Dean at 60 plus is slowing down because of her disabilities affecting both physical and mental abilities. She has bipolar disorder (mental), Fibromyalgia (nerves), degenerative disc disease (spine), and arthritis (joints). Her new journey's include Diabetes controlled by insulin. She is also working on 2 fiction books (mysteries). The books will probably never be finished, but who knows what the future holds. She keeps her blog filled with useful content, stories and poems. Plenty to keep you busy. She has also been interviewed by blogs and had other posts published on many different blogs. She is from Southern, NJ. Her family and blog keep her busy. You can also follow the progress of her memoirs on the blog. She is adding chapters a little at a time.

Thank you Janna! Still feel yucky. My body hurts from coughing so much. The meds keep me sedated, but for some reason tonight I cannot sleep. At least I am not wheezing loud enough to be heard in the next county anymore. Gotta be grateful for small blessings.

Thank you Sam! Without humor all is lost. I was in a very bleak place and I did try suicide half-heartedly. I saw what it did to my family and I will remember that if things get that bleak again. I love your blog, I was glad to find it. Thank you for reading!

I’m sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I have suffered from Panic Disorder & Chronic Depression for many years. I certainly know the feeling when it seems like dying could only be better, but I have children & I could never do that to them – that’s what holds me back. No judgement, this is just my own reaction. I hope you feel better soon.

They have added more dx, Borderline Personality Disorder and Dependent Personality Disorder. I saw how broken-hearted my children were. I will remember that. I just went off or cut in half the meds they put me on. I was seriously considering suicide again. The meds go. I have counseled many a person not to do it, but I can tell you that in the “throes” nothing, including family may make a difference. I hope seeing my children as they were is enough next time. Well actually it was. I just cut my meds in half and might stop completely depending on how I feel. I finally got a hold of the prescriber. They are ok with halving them. Good think, was doing it anyway. I know my own body!