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Sunday, August 22, 2010

I'm Beginning to Think Edward Cullen is Blind.

Since my last hideous clothing post a while back, I've noticed something a bit disturbing while reading Twilight. It appears that either Edward Cullen is blind, or he's still stuck in the 90's as far as what he deems to be a perfectly acceptable outfit. While his utter lack of taste in clothing will in no way turn me against him (he could wear a fucking leisure suit and I'd still hump his head off), I have to wonder what the fuck Stephenie Meyer was thinking of when she describes these clothes. I mean, I'm not saying I'm the snappiest fucking dresser. I like shopping about as much as I like having my finger nails pulled out with pliers, so my wardrobe tends to be a bit... boring.

Even though this jacket is about one step removed from the Member's Only jacket, I still would not kick him out of bed.

It's just the more I read this book, the more horror I feel at each passing outfit description. It's turned into somewhat of a game for me now. What hideous shit will these characters be dressed in next? Turn the page and see!

Please take out your copy of Twilight and turn to pages 318-319... Got it? Ok, let's read this passage together.

I ended up in my only skirt -- long, khaki-colored, still casual. I put on the dark blue blouse he'd once complimented. A quick glance in the mirror told me my hair was entirely impossible, so I pulled it back into a ponytail. [Dear Bella - if you took your shower in the morning like a normal person, you wouldn't be faced with impossible hair! Or how about investing in some product and, say, a straightener?]

"Okay." I bounced down the stairs. "I'm decent."

He was waiting at the foot of the stairs, closer than I'd thought, and I bounded right into him. He steadied me, holding me a careful distance away for a few seconds before suddenly pulling me closer.

"Wrong again," he murmured in my ear. "You are utterly indecent -- no one should look so tempting, it's not fair."

Um, Edward? I have a little something to ask you. Come closer... ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Bella is wearing an outfit reminiscent of Little House on the fucking Prairie. I bet she has the gah-damn blouse buttoned clear up to the top, doesn't she? Is that to deter you from wanting to sink your teeth into her neck and suck her blood dry?

Dear Long Khaki Skirt - Please be heading back to 1995 where you came from.

Please help me out. I'm so confused. How can you say that she is "utterly indecent"? My friggin grandmother wears more revealing outfits than Bella does. Or do you mean "indecent" in a holy-fuck-that-outfit-is-so-outdated-I'm-not-sure-I-can-be-seen-with-you way? Seeing as Edward immediately planted a mind-blowing kiss on Bella whilst she was wearing said outfit, I'm thinking he means "indecent" in a I-can't-wait-to-get-you-up-to-my-room-and-naked way. Well, if that's the consequence for wearing stupid clothes, let me see if I can dig up an old pair of acid-washed jeans and some hair scrunchies. Would that compel you to kiss me like that, Edward? Would it??!

Even though you can't see her whole outfit, I promise you it's NOT a fugly skirt.

I've always said how I was pissed that she didn't at least wear a blue top when she visited the Cullen house the first time. Well guess what? I've changed my mind. I'm so incredibly glad the wardrobe people did not follow the book as a guideline for dressing these poor characters. I'm not saying they did a fantastic job or anything - fuck, you've seen New Moon {{throws up in mouth a little}}, but I think they did better than Stephenie did.

If there's one liberty they took when adapting the book for the big screen, I'll have to agree that clothing, while not always the best, works waaaaaaaaay better than the descriptions of the disastrous outfits in the book. And I especially want to thank whoever the fuck was responsible for Edward's intro outfit in the cafeteria... an image that still makes my breath catch.

54 comments:

While, at the time, I never really noticed how AWFUL Edward's outfits were (thanks for pointing that out LKW - it's caused many laughs since then!) I did notice the fugly khaki skirt. however much I tried to picture that damn skirt it just wouldn't look right.Can you imagine if they'd have copied the clothes -shiver-

Totally agree about the skirt! The blue blouse I actually liked. I was biased though, since dark blue is my fav color. Never imagined it to be buttoned all the way. Since Twilight I own 3 more blue shirty-blousey-thingies...lol, yeah I know.YES to the pic in the cafeteria! The shirt and that effing wrist cuff always get me.

I had those exact thoughts when I was reading Twilight for the first time. I grew up in the 90's and I never worn a gawd damn khaki skirt. I understand she came from Phenoix but hello what ever happened to a snug pair of jeans? Every teenage girl understands the benefits of bun huggin denim.

What a crack up!! And a Very timely post for me. I'm on a Twilight re-read and was just cringing at the mention of Edward in a SLEEVELESS SHIRT! On Meadow Day no less. Eeeew! No man looks good in a sleeveless shirt....except maybe Rob in a wet wife beater.And that long khaki skirt thing always rips me right out of the story. (Sort of like movie Bella and her f'ing plaid. Even on seduction night. Fail.)

Btw, 'tards, I saw "Vampires Suck" today and it was pretty darned good. I generally don't like spoof movies but this one was funny. The actress who plays 'Becca Crane' should get some type of award for Best KStew Impersonation. She rocked it!

And how about the light beige leather jacket that Edward gave Bella to wear in the restaurant (p. 170)?? AND he's wearing an ivory pec-hugging turtleneck sweater to match! Not that Robward wouldn't look delish in those colors, given the right style, but for a vampire hottie whose trying to blend into the high school crowd, he ain't trying very hard.

Still can't forgive the epic fail in the movie version of Eclipse on the engagement ring though. And Bella not dressed up at the grad party - hell, not even the tired old khaki skirt. In the book Alice buys her a new blue sweater and skirt outfit. How hard would it have been to incorporate those two items into the movie?

A big thanks to you, LKW, for voicing the wardrobe concerns we have all had for a while. I mean, long khaki skirts...really Steph?!? Really??? What the fuck? Maybe she thought Edward would appreciate a skirt similar to the kind his mother wore...in the early 1900's. Who knows...just thank jeebus the wardrobe chick didn't take the book's outfit descriptions too literally! However, while we are on the topic of wardrobe choices...hey lady, what's with putting the precious in fucking grandpa suits in New Moon??? Ok...venting complete!

OMG I agree! That is one of the reasons I can't read the series anymore. I'd rather read a whole shit load of ff's where I can imagine their clothes and not throw up in my mouth at the thought of a long khaki skirt or dear god a tan mother effing turtle neck on a guy... for some reason it makes me think of Justin Timberlake circa 1999 during his nsync days *barf*... JT has certainly come a long way. Too bad Edward can't, this stuff is set in stone!

I just pretend Twi-Edward raided Beautiful Bastard's wardrobe and pretend the Stephanie Meyer Collection never happened. Just cross out his wardrobe descriptions and write in slate Gucci cut suit with white button down and black silk tie. Watch as my panties go up in flames.

OMFG! the sleeveless shirt WITH A COLLAR. I know Edward in a God and can wear anything but COME ON! that's just WRONG. I like the blue blouse too but NOT WITH A KHAKI skirt. Oy! I also like edwards jacket in Port Angeles. *sigh* Rob's (Edward's) Twilight appearance took my breath away.

@LKW: At the beginning of your post I thought this pretty much by verbatim.."glad the wardrobe people did not follow the book as a guideline for dressing these poor characters. I'm not saying they did a fantastic job or anything - fuck, you've seen New Moon {{throws up in mouth a little}}, but I think they did better than Stephenie did."

Rereading any of the books and I have to admit I skim through all wardrobe descriptions. UGH! Really Stephenie?? Really?!! First, NO Edward of mine would even contemplate wearing crap like that. Nor Bella. Nor would Alice let them. Even as a joke. It's just not funny. (burp.ugh.nasty.) But, IF I have to imagine it, I think of Bella in a tight khaki pencil skirt and buttoned down "blouse". I modernize all her descriptions and add $500-$1000 to anything Edward wears. Cullens are classy and sexy but can really turn up the glam if needed. Really Steph, how? why? no. just. no.

@Apotamkin - HA! That is the ONLY way I would accept the horrid sleeveless white shirt. Seriously, Stephenie Meyer, I know you're Mormon so you're not allowed to smoke crack, so WHAT THE HELL *WERE* YOU SMOKING?! A long, khaki skirt? Are you INSANE?

Maybe she was trying to show that Bella is really a good match for Edward because she DRESSES like a 107 year old woman. Is that it?

@Rob's Bitch I was about to say the same thing, but you beat me too it.

In general, when I was reading the story I just took her general color description and imagined the coolest thing I could think of in that color range. The biggest problem for me was that damn long skirt. If she had just said khaki then I would've been able to insert some cool pencil skirt like @astonmartingirl but the addition of the "long" has always thrown me.

And PS: I hope the costume person from NM was fired and thrown on her ass in the street. Rob I could excuse. He put a suit on for the birthday party... it was a cute gesture... and then he didn't take it off the entire time he was away from Bella which I actually thought was brilliant. Bella is a dork and could wear anything and I could write it off as just her dorkyness kicking in. Alice on the other hand was absolutely unexcusable. Her wardrobe was hideous.

I simply used my own imagination when reading the books. I didn't even notice how horrible the clothes are that SM writes about until people started mentioning it. I have a very, very vivid imagination and trust when I say it did not include sleeveless shirts, and nothing in the color range of khaki or beige.

When I saw Twilight in the theater the first time my friend and I were cracking up at the Members Only like jacket. Nearly pissed myself. Ha!

I hope it doesn't imply anything about the modesty of my own wardrobe that when she said "long" khaki skirt, I pictured knee-length. And for the blue blouse, I thought maybe one of those cute smocked ones, short-sleeves of course. There is no imagining away the sleeveless white shirt, but I guess Edward is who he is at 109, and he doesn't seem to care much about passing fashion - or morality - anyway. I just try to focus on how she describes his neck, chest, and arms in the meadow scene and forget the shirt :)

I would not have even worn that skirt in 1995. And I would absolutely kick Edward out of bed...so I could do him on the floor, and the sofa, and the kitchen table, and the shower....what were we talking about again? Oh yea, the clothes. Definitely confused me when I read Twilight the first time. Then, I realized SM is morman and it all made a little more sense.

What a coinky dink on this post! I am currently rereading "Twilight" and rewatching it at the same time, picking out the fuck ups between them (I'm out of new things to read, ok?) and I can not stand the clothes description in the book. The skirt thing caught me too, like seriously, there was no way she was 'indecent' unless that blouse was only buttoned halfway and her tits were hanging out, would it warrant the kind of kiss he gave her!

And like Lila said above, the one thing that keeps me sane is picturing the coolest clothes I can when reading a description of them. I really hope with 2 more movies to go, the clothes get better, I mean, they can't get worse can they?

PS - one repetitive thought keeps rolling through my head while watching Twilight - "Holy FUCK, can Rob be any hotter??"

I always thought the khaki skirt was more of the cargo style type...I guess that's not much better. However I still see people over here in WA wearing them. LOL! The outfits I always had problems with were Edward's. His cream turtle neck sweater & khakis. A sleeveless white shirt? On a dude?? WTF?! (granted if it was RPatz I would jump his bones anyway);-)

LMFAO! Sexward would never, ever, ever wear sleeveless button-downs or turtleneck sweaters! As for Bella, I don't even know where to begin! What teenage girl wears blouses?!?! I'm in my 30's and I don't even wear blouses!

I was reading your post and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, total barf city, gross outfits, and then I got to Twilight Edward....

Damn!! Is it just me or can anyone else see a little bit of Fifty Shades being channelled in that picture? The leather cuff, the expanse of forearm,the 'you're in trouble' look on his face? It sure sends my mind straight off to the Red Room of Pain. Face down, across Fiftys lap, naked butt in the air....ready for the punishment...

Maybe Edward should spank Bella...for having such a fucking awful dress sense. Would do her some good in more ways than one.

@Lila, agreed -- I could eat Robward up in the ivory t-neck sweater/beige leather jacket, too. Just saying that as a vampiric high school student, not such a blend-in kind of outfit. (Very funny about the Mormon clothes memory thing).

Love to see all the rallying around the fashion passion, ladies. I couldn't care about Bella's look anyway. It's all about Edward for me. I can't imagine who could have made as good or better an Edward than Rob. When I think about Henry Cavill being cast in that role, I just can't see him with the bronze hair, the body type to me is wrong. But I digress. . . .

I so agree. I still remember the part of Twilight where Stephanie describes Edward taking off his sweater and having a sleeveless button down white shirt? What? What guy wears a sleeveless white shirt--unless it is cut off sleeves and that is so not any image of Edward I have in mind.And I could never understand the movie's use of the purple golf shirt in Twilight advertising--pretty uncool and lame :(

AND thanks for noting the image of Edward when he firt comes into the cafeteria--AAAAHHHHHH

I've read the books 10 times each and I still cannot form an image in my minds eye of a white button-down sleeveless man's shirt! WTF??? But I'll guaran-damn-tee you that if Edward wore it - he looked fuckin' hot in it! It's like some kind of law of nature or some shit.

But I don't like the movie outfits either. They usually dress Edward like a hobo. Alice would never permit that! And look. Any time Bella had a choice, she went with (holey) sweats and a t-shirt. For her, dress-up was probably jeans (or the damned khaki skirt!) So I don't like the low-rise sprayed-on jeans and all the low-cut (or unbuttoned) tops they dressed her in for NM & Eclipse. I assume they were trying to dress them like normal teenagers, but I just don't think the clothes fit with the characters. Hello? What is normal about Edward? What is normal about Bella? Exactly. Thank you.

Having said all that, I really dug the tweed in NM! It kind of reminded me of some of Rob's early modeling pictures. I know I'm in the minority on this, so let me just say this. If Rob should happen to show up in Forks wearing that old-timey tweed outfit that the rest of you h00rs hate so much, he's ALL MINE!!!!!

o girls, couldn't agree more with all of you - the sleeveless shirt (button-down just makes it that much weirder), the khaki skirt - WHAT was Stephenie thinking when she wrote this stuff? and she wouldn't name Linkin Park in the book b/c she was worried the *band* would be outdated and embarrassing?

and LKW, thanks for mentioning the thing about Bella not taking a shower in the morning. that has always bugged me beyond belief, ugh.

but oh, lindsay rae, hellyeah bring on the BB. is the office ever gonna be available again? fifty shades is great, don't get me wrong, but how I miss our beautiful bastard...

Too funny, this is right on. Whenever I am browsing through the book, that long khaki skirt always disturbs me. SO 1995! I had one! Furthermore, in the meadow scene, Edward is wearing a white, button-up, sleeveless shirt. Sleeveless? I asked myself. Seriously?Also at one point Bella notices they are both wearing tan sweaters and tan pants. OMGWTF??? It would have been better for Stephenie not to describe the clothing at all. On the other hand, I think most of the clothes in the first movie are strangely cute, especially Bella's.

While, at the time, I never really noticed how AWFUL Edward's outfits were (thanks for pointing that out LKW - it's caused many laughs since then!) I did notice the fugly khaki skirt. however much I tried to picture that damn skirt it just wouldn't look right.Can you imagine if they'd have copied the clothes -shiver-

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