Conker is Back!…Sort of

Conker, the lovely little squirrel from the very vulgar Conker’s Bad Fur Day, is back, though not in the way anyone expected.

(Skip to the two minute mark.)

Conker’s last appearance was in Conker: Live and Reloaded in 2005 on the Xbox. Nine years later, it finally seems as if Microsoft remembered this very drunk cartoon mascot. They’ve decided to put him in Project Spark, though what role he will play has yet to be revealed.

Project Spark is, according to Projectspark.com, “an interactive playground…a powerful creation engine that unlocks world building through intuitive sculpting tools to shape and paint a new world, as well as a simple yet incredibly powerful visual programming language to make anything happen.”

I am not happy. I am all of the not happy. Why is it that the Nintendo 64 model looks better than the one shown in that trailer? And God, what have they done to his voice! That is certainly not Chris Seaver! But, just, why?

Conker isn’t a recognizable character anymore. He was in a cult-classic back in 2001 and then in a remake in 2005. He’s been absent from gaming for nine years, and while I didn’t care for the remake, it wasn’t the worst way to send the character off. He had a very brief chance to shine, he played his role well, and now he’s gone. Or rather, that’s how things should be.

But nope! Let’s put a very M-rated character into an E10+ tool and use that as a selling point! Nothing wrong here. Nothing at all.

I am so sad.

Chad Waller is an editor at MONG who has lots of opinions. He’s currently working on a video game and sometimes likes to write stuff