No mothers in back pockets, to pull out at eleventh hours, when all seems lost.

No surrogate mothers.

No hand me down mothers.

No wannabe mothers acting out their mother on me.

No mothers except for She who whispers as the wind.

No mothers except for She who walks beneath me.

No mothers except for She who speaks my name without words.

No mothers except for the One that embraces the space that I am.

No mothers out there.

No mothers out there.

~ Maria Mars, copyright 2014

Maria, a very talented friend of mine, wrote this poem. It reminded me that I too used to look for a surrogate mother—until I didn’t anymore. I used to look for that ideal mother in other women my mother’s age. I used to look for her mothering qualities in all my love relationships. Until I realized that the key to wholeness is self-parenting.

The mother is not to be found outside of us in another person. The mother-love is what we open up to. It is always there. We need not earn it or learn it. We need not search for it or find it. We just need to be it and receive it.

Many of us have an inner child which feels scared, lonely, lost or abandoned. Often the only times that we connect with that vulnerable part in us is to criticize or be unloving with that little boy or girl inside. Instead of being supportive, encouraging and unconditionally loving with ourselves we make ourselves feel “not enough” in one way or another.

We can continue in the endless cycle of looking for that love and acceptance outside ourselves in other people, or we can take charge and begin to parent ourselves. We all have wounds to heal; some experiences left smaller wounds, other experiences left bigger ones. There is no wound that cannot be healed through self-love.

When my clients begin their inner child work they are often surprised by how real that little child feels. They might realize that the little one inside is scared or insecure, or feels neglected and is angry for not having been heard. Sometimes the inner child is the part in us which makes us run away from opportunities, or push people away, or act impulsively in some other way. Once we have a clear perception of that voice and realize this is an important part of us, we can embrace it and bring it into the wholeness of our being.

Inner child work is emotional and sometimes surprising; it is always rewarding. Being in touch with your inner child is a huge gift to yourself. What we call the “inner child” is the side of us which allows us to be close and intimate with others.

Being able to check in with the little child part inside to ensure her or his needs are met is the basis for an authentic and fulfilling love relationship. Before we can have a successful relationship with others, we need to establish that relationship with ourselves. When we truly know who we are and what is going on inside we can address what comes up and continuously do our own inner work.

Being aware of your vulnerability in a relationship can mean expressing your feelings and needs calmly, non-confrontationally, lovingly and with the clear expectation that your partner will understand and acknowledge them.

Taking care of our inner child includes taking responsibility for our feelings. Nobody makes us feel a certain way. It also means taking responsibility for our own needs and desires. We need to make sure ourselves that our needs are met, or we need to make clear requests for them to be met by other people.

Embracing all parts of us leads to wholeness. The rewards for doing your inner child work are relationships which arise from an authentic heart space of love, caring and compassion.

I visited a friend of mine today who has a 20 month old son. My friend, being a spiritual coach, is a very conscious parent. All morning long, I watched her and little Jack interact. I am left in awe not just by what a beautiful and wise little soul Jack is, but also by what beliefs he is learning from his mother.

She puts her own fears and personal agenda aside and is present with him. She is always aware of making sure he feels loved. She responds to his worries or needs before they turn into huge fears. She makes sure he always feels acknowledged and important. She gives him a lot of freedom to try things out. Because of that freedom, he accepts calmly when she has to say no.

Incidentally, on my drive to her house I was listening to one of my favourite songs by Amy Sky, “I will take care of you.”

“… A baby girl’s first cry rang out, a new life had begun.

Her mother rocked her in her arms and she kissed the tiny brow.

She said, ‘Darling, I am just as scared as you but I’ll promise you somehow,

I will take care of you, very best that I can.

Follow the love here in my heart, all of the strength in my hand.

You are every joy I share, for every tear I’ll be there, my whole life through.’”

I have listened to this song many times. But today, I was struck by how symbolic it is for taking care of our inner child.

Did you feel truly taken care of and safe when you were a child? Did you feel important, special and worthy, believing that your needs would be met, when you were little? Most people didn’t. My parent’s motto was, “Children should be seen but not heard.” We learn we are not important and that we do not have the right to have needs. We experience feeling abandoned and develop trust issues. Who can we trust in if we cannot trust those bigger humans that are taking care of us?

Those early childhood experiences leave wounds that come back in all of our relationships when we grow up. We might by now have lost our own parents or become their caretakers. However, in our love relationships, the little girl or boy inside still pops up and fearfully demands their needs while believing he or she does not deserve to be heard, does not deserve to be truly happy.

Our partner cannot be our parent to reassure and love us unconditionally. The only person who can heal those wounds is us. The one person who can be there for us every step of the way, as in Amy Sky’s song, is us. We are the ones to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, respect ourselves and remind ourselves that we are important, just like Jack’s wonderful mother does for him.

By getting in touch with your inner child and by parenting yourself, you are giving yourself the freedom to let go of those old feelings of unworthiness. Unconditional self-love is the foundation for loving others without conditions.

To do Inner Child Work or to clear out your fears and change your beliefs contact me.