Friday, August 31, 2012

Farm Friday - Justifiable Roostercide?

See, I was working in the barn, feeding and making some repairs to the gate and fixing up Annabelle's dog house and whatnot.

The rooster and hens were all behind meyou'd think by now I'd know better than to turn my back on him...
as I was getting ready to lift the 50lb sack of chicken feed to pour into the hopper, when alls a sudden I felt a ripping pain along my butt and backs of my legs.

Well, quick as a cat, I turned and kicked.

If your backside is getting assaulted, kick first and ask questions later, I always say. You know what I'm saying, ladies. Can I get an amen?

Well I guess I kicked pretty darn hard.
Bullseye.

Down went Big Daddy before he knew what hit kicked him.
Not just down, but down flopping and rolling around upside down and squawking like he was dying.

Well. Maybe he was actually dying, but my lord in heaven, I never saw such carryings on.

And I was so mad at him for mauling me that I stormed out and stomped to the house to get some more tools that I needed. But by the time I got back to the barn I started feeling bad. I mean, I guess I should have thought what I was doing before kicking like that. And then I saw him lying there, still mostly upside down and not moving.

OHMYGODIVEKILLEDMYROOSTER!

But when I got closer, he cocked his head and fixed his evil eye on me.

Definitely not dead. And when I took a step closer, he rolled himself over and started flopping away like that chick that claims to have dystonia from a flu vaccination gone awry.

He got himself all the way across the coop to a quiet corner and just sat there looking very morose.

"You deserve it!" I shouted to him. "Attack me. Attack ME???!!! I have half a mind to kick you again."

But then a couple of the hens walked over to this semi-dead creature and started pecking at him on his bald places.

"Nooo! Get away from him! Shooo! Can't you see he's hurt? Leave the poor man alone you traitorous bi***es!"

And I ran at them to shoo them away, but Big Daddy got scared I was comin' for him, so he started trying to run away, too.

He looked so pathetic.

"You're an idiot! Can't you see I'm just trying to help you, you twisted bas***d? Oh, I wish you were DEAD!"

He came to a lopsided rest and started getting henpecked again immediately.

"Have you no MERCY?" I screamed at the hens while waving my arms like a lunatic. "Leave him be, leave him be, man down!"

I was starting to see a pattern. This would not do.

So I took Annabelle's old dog house that I had just disassembled, and placed the top portion over him to make a cozy little house.

I made a cozy little house for the damnable beast that nearly took my life!

Since it's all open in the front, I had to move it over so the opening would be up against the chicken wire wall that separates the Hen House from the Rabbit Shack. I wasn't about to pick him up. He'd eat my fingers soon as look at me. So I kind of slowly slid the dog house to where I needed it to be, with him inside it. But the melodramatic son of a b acted like he couldn't use his legs and he just kind of rolled along in the straw like a piece of flotsam.

"You don't fool me!" I screamed at him. "You'll get no pity. You brought this on yourself!" And I continued to slide the contraption along, with him flapping and rolling inside, silently pleading with me to free him from his prison. "No chance, mister."

I finally got it over to the wall, and I made sure he had good ventilation, access to food and water, comfortable bedding, and a safe place to recuperate where the hens wouldn't peck him to death. Of course, he immediately abandoned his pretense that he was nothing but a sack of bones and feathers, and he got up and started strutting around his new digs, plotting his escape, no doubt.

I need to do a Google search to see if I can get him a straight jacket and mask a la Hannibal Lechter. You know, one that's made just for roosters. Anyone know of a good source?

So although what I should have done with this demonic foul was wring his neck and put him in a soup pot, instead I made him a cozy little house.

I made him a nice little rooster rehab so he can recover and get his strength back and make another attempt at my life!

I am an enabler.

I am a rooster enabler.

And I need help.

Image courtesy: squidoo.com

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In case you didn't know it, I'm like the queen of blog-hoppin' lately. It's kind of like square dancing but without the dated outfits, smelly gym, and elderly caller.

Since today is Friday, that means I'm linking today's post with The Chicken Chick's Clever Chicks, Deborah Jean's Dandelion House's Farmgirl Friday, but I'll also be linking this same post up with some of the hops listed above in the coming week. Come join the fun!

32 comments:

You are a wiser woman than I, MamaHen. Although, in my defence, I did not want a rooster. The good people in the sexing and shipping dept at Ideal Poultry were not on their game one day, b/c I ordered all pullets.

I know a lady who had her rooster attack her. He did this all the time, so she started to bring a baseball bat with her at all times when she was around him. Needless to say, that one day he made the wrong move she hit him with the baseball bat and killed him. I raised my two roosters, and they are about as close to pets as a chicken can get.I hope you are okay,Love,Neighgirl

You are one lucky NeighGirl. My dtr's bff got a little chick that she was told was a female. She raised it so very lovingly. Then one day it matured and whadayaknow, she was a he. Turned nasty and used to chase folks away from the front door. They finally built a coop, bought some pullets, and now he is living happily ever after with his harem. You just never know with roos....

Ahahahaha - your account has me rolling... My mom had a mean old rooster like that one time. Finally he attacked her one day and she had to use a pitch fork and the lid of a metal trash can to protect herself as she backed to the door of the house. That darn bird laid in wait just watching for her to come back out. Finally before my brother was due to get off the bus she had to figure out how to off the rooster (this was not the first attack he had made). She went out the front door and let my Siberian Husky loose. The dog grabbed the bird and shook him. The rooster played dead and the dog left him alone. Stupid bird got back up and went after the dog - dog won the second time around. Those things just seem like they can go postal in a moments notice.

LOVED your story! I watched our evil rooster from the upstairs window chase my sweet little boy AWAY from me. All I could do was jump up and down and scream out the window (some heroic mother I am). Next chance I got, and believe me he gave me another, I grabbed him up and "took care of him". Then everyone eyeballs me calling me a chicken killer. My husband even shared the story with his friends. Somehow it didn't make me feel victorious, I looked at my bloodstained hands and felt barbaric. 2010 didn't seem to be a socially acceptable time to protect my children in this manner.

I don't blame you one cotton-pickin' bit. I was already getting so sick and tired of worrying about my kids every time they went in to get eggs, let alone myself. Now we just may have one less thing to worry about. Time will tell....

Hilarious! I don't know what's funnier, you making a lovely home for him or the hens jumping on their chance to get back at him for all of the "jumping" he'd done on them.We always get at least one rooster with each order. All but one at some point or other started coming after the kids, which made them scared to death to do their chores. I'm certainly not about to do there chores (mostly because I'm scared to death of being attacked) so my husband takes care of it for us. My kids certainly prefer that mean chicken to be in our "rooster and noodles" than in the coop.

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The Nutshell

I'm Anne Kimball, and I'm Mom to six kids, three by birth, and three by adoption. I mention that only because I write a bit about adoption and attachment issues.
I also live on a small farm, so I often write about the ins and outs of my duties as zookeeper.
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