BLESSED WITH THE ABILITY to roll a Turf King out of the back of his hand, using his ring finger to get some ungodly purchase on the ball, Mick Crichton says that while he enjoys being part of the wider AIS community – deep down he just wants to tour the world dick first.

He’s not a bad bat, either. The Cairns native averaged 56.67 in the Brisbane Grade Cricket Sheild before being picked up by talent scouts.

“I’ve got a good top score and a healthy average. Dad’s proud of me, Mum wants me to slow down,” he said.

“One or two stray roots a week isn’t that bad when you’re working from scratch in a strange town. Have you ever been to Adelaide? It’s a cunt of a town. Every time you go out to the pub, the bouncer picks you up and shakes the change out of you before you leave. You go out for dinner and you pay some free-settling fuckbag $300 to starve you,”

“But fuck me, I cannot stop rooting. This must’ve been where Warney cut his teeth as a pants man. You cannot miss. I’ve ejaculated in so many strangers, condoms are for kids. Life’s good, let’s get blind.” he said.

When asked about his cricket, the 23-year-old says it’s going pretty good. He’s seeing them like their beachballs and nobody can pick his wrong’uns so he reckons things are heading in the right direction.

However, he misses his squad back in the River City. He misses sitting down under a shady Boree tree in a suburban Brisbane park, watching his mates form a solid partnership while the rest of the dismissed batsman crush Milton mangos in the soft September heat.

“When I get big, when I get real big, I’m moving back to Brissy where I can sink tins with the boys and chase anything in a Camilla dress that’ll give me the time of day.”