"My Study Buddy—A Former RA!—Drugged And Raped Me"

What are you supposed to do when the person who rapes you was actually hired by your school to guide and counsel students? That's what happened to Grace Turner, a 20-year-old college student from North Carolina, who was drugged and raped by a former Resident Advisor/RA during what she thought would be a routine study session. "I'm a book nerd who loves fantasy movies and binge watching my favorite TV shows," Grace says. "I never considered that something like this could happen to me."

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In 80% of rape cases, the woman knows her attacker, with college-age students being the most vulnerable. "Acquaintance rape is so hard to protect yourself against because it usually happens with someone you know well enough to have your guard down," Grace says. "I knew and trusted this person—I had no reason to think anything badly of him."

THE ASSAULT: "He was really knowledgeable about how to pin me down so I couldn't move"

"We were in the same class and he suggested we study together for midterms. We'd worked in groups before, and I had a little bit of a crush on him. He was very charming and I thought maybe that night we would kiss," Grace admits. "But I was still a virgin and things going any further didn't cross my mind."

"The last thing I remember it was 10 pm and we were studying... And then I woke up at 4 am with him on top of me; I was very confused. In the moment, I was still looking at him as my friend," Grace remembers. "I tried reasoning with him. I thought maybe he didn't know that he was hurting me and I wanted to stop. But he didn't care that I was awake, or that I was trying to get away. I remember thinking that he was really knowledgeable about how to pin me down with his body so I couldn't move."

Trapped, she tried to detach herself. "I just stared at this one spot on the ceiling while he continued to rape me for another three hours," she recalls. He finally stopped his attack around 6:30 am. "I was so out of it that I asked him, 'Are you leaving?' Even though I wanted him out of there more than anything, I was still so confused. 'Yeah, we're not going to cuddle,' he laughed. 'You're the kind of girl who gets attached; you're very naive.'"

REPORTING THE ASSAULT TO THE POLICE: "My good friend told me that by not pressing charges, it was my fault if this happened to another girl"

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Grace is certain that her attacker drugged her drink. "I'd only had one—not enough to even make me tipsy," Grace recalls. While she shouldn't have to defend how much she drank (one drink) or what she was wearing (sweats), she's learned firsthand how often outsiders blame the victim instead of the attacker. "It's like telling someone who is hit by a drunk driver that they shouldn't have been driving down a street with bars on it after 10 pm."

Grace first reported the attack to the police and went to the hospital for an eight-hour rape kit that morning. Then she learned about the process of prosecuting: "The detective explained to me that oftentimes the district attorney won't take college acquaintance or date rape cases at all because there are no witnesses and it very quickly becomes he said/she said. Even if I did get a hearing, it could take up to a year, and the defense lawyer could relentlessly go after me. I just wanted to move on."

Grace admits: "I didn't end up pressing charges."

It's not an easy decision to make—especially not within the timeline detectives gave her to make the choice whether or not to prosecute—and those closest to her judged her for it: "My good friend told me that by not pressing charges, it was my fault if this happened to another girl," Grace recalls. "You haven't even gotten over what happened to you and suddenly you're made to feel like other girls' fates are in your hands." While she understands that her friends and family simply wanted justice for her, Grace just felt like more things were being forced on her. "I had lost enough control in my bedroom that night; I didn't need to lose anymore when it came to making decisions afterwards. But not everyone respected that." Still, she admits she was once the kind of person who could never imagine not pressing charges and recommends that assaults should always be reported.

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REPORTING THE ASSAULT TO HER SCHOOL: "I wouldn't want someone like that on my campus, counseling students"

The school administrator assigned to her case didn't flinch when she learned Grace's attacker was a former RA. "I couldn't believe she didn't push me more on that! I wouldn't want someone like that on my campus, let alone counseling students," Grace says. Instead of probing further into who committed the crime, Grace says the administrator offered numerous times to help Grace, herself, withdraw. "It didn't seem fair to me that I would have to leave the school and the guy would get to continue his education," she says.

Although the administrator did tell Grace the next steps should she wish to progress further with an investigation, Grace was dismayed to learn it required filing paperwork with the Office of Student Rights and Responsibilities, which works in conjunction with the RA staff. "They're his friends, so it felt like that option was a failure from the start," Grace says.

Grace wants all college students to get the information they need before something tragic happens, and for women to know that it's never their fault. "Colleges don't want to talk about acquaintance rape at orientation because they don't want their campus to look unsafe. 'Don't walk alone at night,' is fine, but they also need to teach that if you're drunk you cannot technically consent, or just because you kissed a guy or were interested in him doesn't mean he has any right to have sex with you." That last part was especially important to Grace's own recovery because her attacker was someone she'd had a crush on.

THE PATH TO RECOVERY: "The places on my body where he bruised me would start to hurt—he wasn't there anymore, but I could still feel the pressure"

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"I was trying so hard to get past what had happened to me, but my brain wasn't allowing me to. I would see glimpses of the room and the one place on my ceiling that I had stared at while he attacked me," Grace recalls of the terrifying three months afterwards. She also started to experience phantom pains. "The places on my body where he bruised me would start to hurt—he wasn't there anymore, but I could still feel the pressure."

Grace's best friend Joe-Joe helped her through her darkest moments: "He was there for me through everything. He would let me sleep at his apartment because my own room was like a prison cell to me." And he was her only friend who didn't press for details about her rape kit the morning after the attack. "I went to his house and he put on Lord of the Rings and we got fast food from all the surrounding restaurants. It was like a regular night of hanging out. He helped connect me to who I was before, like maybe I could still be that person." With Joe-Joe's encouragement, Grace sought treatment and started therapy.

Courtesy Of Grace Turner

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MOVING FORWARD: "That night didn't erase any part of me"

It's been a year since Grace was raped. "Where I am now is a huge leap from how I felt the morning of, looking in the mirror at the hospital after they finished the rape kit. I was wearing these thin paper scrubs, and looking at my face, seeing bruises on my body—I thought that I was never going to be okay again." She admits it's still hard to see her attacker on campus, but takes pride in knowing she didn't let him win. "He took something from me, but he could not take my university away from me."

Today, Grace leads her campus chapter of Take Back the Night and speaks to victims of sexual assault in the hopes of helping other girls like herself. "I may not have pressed charges, but I always recommend that people report it, which I did. That way the attacker's information is in the system and could help someone else who comes in and identifies the same person."

Grace keeps a favorite quote from John Green's Looking for Alaska in a large frame next to her bed: 'We need never be hopeless for we will never be irreparably broken.' "It gives me strength every day to keep pushing on when it's tough. My attacker did not break me beyond repair," she says. "I am still me. I may be an activist and an advocate, but I still eat junk food while binge-watching Netflix, I still love going to dinner with my friends, and I still read way too much. In the end, that's who I am and these days I can look in the mirror and see myself instead of the bruised, shattered person I was last October. Now I look at my reflection and see a person who can make it through anything, no matter how daunting," Grace says. "That night didn't erase any part of me and he didn't win when he raped me and took my virginity. I won because I survived."

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