The Expendables Special: Metro Film Fight Club

With the release of old stagers action flick The Expendables, the less-than-tough guys athttp://www.rossvross.com have decided to pit the movie’s top stars against each other, with a little help from Aiden R at
Cut The Crap Movie Reviews and Kaiderman at
The List. Just read the arguments and tell us which movie tough guy is tougher than the rest…

‘Don’t push it. Don’t push it or I’ll give you a war you won’t believe.’Man, ignore these chumps, Stallone’s got this one on lock down and you’d be crazy to think otherwise. Yes, I’ve heard that Statham can run a marathon with only one day’s notice, but The Transporter’s overrated and superhuman stamina doesn’t give you a free ‘Stone Cold Badass’ card. Yes, Arnie was the T-800 and at one time he was arguably the most hardcore mother effer on the planet, but now he’s the governator of Caulifournia, his body looks like a sloppy joe and that is weak. And, yes, Willis is still John McClane , but the fourth Die Hard pretty much rendered that edge-up null and void. Should have never gone and surfed on that harrier. To be honest, I can’t think of a single thing that Sly doesn’t have going for him. At 64 (one year older than Arnie) he should probably be groping nurses and filling up bedpans by now, but instead he has completely bitch-slapped genetic science and bestowed upon himself the physique of a rhino on steroids – his arms looks like they’re on the verge of exploding at any second. He’s still John Rambo, he’s still Rocky, there wouldn’t be an Expendables without him and if there’s any reason to see this movie, he’s your guy. If not, he will most likely kill you by flexing in your general direction. Except for Mickey Rourke though, he’d put up a fight. That dude is no joke.http://ctcmr.com/Kaiderman: Bruce Willis ‘This is the ’90s. You can’t just walk up and slap a guy, you have to say something cool first.’ I think the easiest way to win this little showdown is just to show what bad picks my colleagues have made. Stallone v Arnie v Willis v Statham… STATHAM! Dammit… McG, are you…what? McD picked Statham? Really? Are you sure? Okay, let’s start there. One of these things is not like the other and that thing is Jason Statham . Arnie might be the smartest thing to ever come out of McG’s mouth, but actors make horrible politicians so I’m pretty sure the inverse is true as well. Stallone IS the only guy that knows how to use the shells in my bathroom. Still, I have six words for you: Stop Or His Mom Will Shoot. Plus, it took him two movies just to handle Apollo Creed.Meanwhile, Bruce Willis was shooting terrorists while walking bare foot on broken glass and jumping off of high rises… or taking Samurai swords to hillbilly sodomists to save the kingpin who’s out to kill him… or dating Kim Bassinger… BLINDLY! How do you top that? And think about the man. Willis was a NYC bartender, which is all about fighting and nailing women. I know… I’ve seen Road House! From there he thought to himself:- ‘Hey! I think I’ll become an actor.’- ‘What kind should I be?’[NOTE: Bruce Willis is so badass he actually has inner dialogues.]- ‘I think I’ll be an action star.’- ‘But you’re not a muscle-bound moron with a speech impediment.’- ‘Oh well, guess I’ll have to reinvent the genre and single-handedly change all cinema that follows so people like Jason Statham can have a job.’- ‘DONE!’

Ross McG: Arnold Schwarzenegger‘You’re not sending me to the cooler.’I think it was the French philosopher, Jean-Paul Sartre, who said: ‘Let off some steam, Bennett.’ Okay, so it wasn’t a French philosopher, it was an Austrian bodybuilder, but the line remains as vital as any penned by the great thinkers of our time. Arnold Schwarzenegger is our Sartre. His words echo throughout the ages, from the brilliant (‘See you at the party, Richter!’) to the bizarre (‘You should not drink and bake’), from the silly (‘Consider that a divorce’) to the Shakespearian (‘To be… or not to be? Not to be.’) Not only is he cinema’s greatest action star, he’s the finest comedian, intentional or not, to grace the big screen in the past 30 years.The problem with Stallone is that he’s too serious. He thinks blowing up the entire Russian presence in Afghanistan with his shirt off should be played straight. As Escape To Victory illustrated, he’s also a terrible goalkeeper, while Arnold had a football stadium named after him! Willis may have been an adequate John McClane, but think how good Arnie would have been as John ‘Matrix’ McClane, with potential quips such as: ‘You are going to die. Hard.’ and ‘Hans up if you’ve just fallen out of a window’. As for The Stath, the worst nicknamed action man since The Muscles From That Place Just South Of Antwerp, he is The Transporter to Arnold’s The Terminator. Uh yeah, he’s so tough he… transports things around. So there you have it, party over. Arnie’s the greatest. Get to the chopper. Sly, Brucie, Stath… you’re fired.Ross McD: Jason Statham‘Don’t pop a blood vessel, you little penis.’ The Expendables – it’s one big appendage-measuring contest. And there are lots of big appendages on show. The CVs for one: Willis was John McClane AND Butch Coolidge; Stallone was Rocky Balboa AND John Rambo; Schwarzenegger was Conan the Barbarian AND The Terminator. Statham has no such credentials, so how come he gets to keep such exalted company? And in fact has the film’s biggest role amongst people who aren’t the director/writer/producer. Why?Because all these guys are obviously in fear of their lives – they know something we don’t. In fact, take a closer look at Statham’s CV: Crank. Crank: High Voltage. The Transporter. The Transporter 2. The Transporter 3. He keeps appearing in all these shit films, yet keeps coming back for more. That, my friends, is staying power. He’s even survived the touch of Guy Ritchie three times. That’s more times than he touched gristly Madonna! Seriously though, note how the tough guys named above are all ‘was’s? Brucie is 55, Arnie is 63 and Sly is 64. Honestly, all Jayo has to do is push them over and snap some hips.WHO IS THE TOUGHEST TOUGH GUY: STALLONE, WILLIS, SCHWARZENEGGER OR STATHAM? YOU DECIDE. TELL US IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW…Go towww.rossvross.comnow for more movie action