Annabelle Darling - Romance Writer

So, Scarlett, you know how I like writing this column so much, I was thinking I’d write a novel. What do you think?

Sure! Something like “War and Peace” or “Bridget Jones’s Diary?”

Something more towards the latter - I want to write a romance novel.

Like one of those Fabio on the cover books?

Yes! I hear they’re all the rage and people are making oodles of money writing them. But I ran into an unforeseen problem.

That you can’t write without me?

Well, there is that. But mostly it’s that I get all kinds of embarrassed whenever I try to write the sexy parts. I like the other bits, you know about how the heroine has pets and a sister, and likes to knit, but as soon as anyone kisses her I get jumpy and flustered.

Maybe you could write an anti-romance novel. Kind of an autobiography.

That’s not funny, Scarlett.

Yes it is.

All right, it’s sort of funny. But it doesn’t help me. How can I write a romance novel without sex?

If you make it about married people with little kids you’re all set. Sexy to me is Joe folding the laundry and remembering to unclog the bathtub drain.

Oh, a real life romance, not the made up kind that makes everybody twitch! Maybe we could create a whole new genre of books about real life. I was trying to figure out how to work a hedgehog into the story, now it will be easy!

You start writing your book and I’ll answer some questions. Hey, here’s a relationship question right on the top!

Q: I took an online quiz and got a boyfriend I don’t like. How do I break up with him? - Quizical in Quebec

A: Breaking up is never easy, especially when you haven’t met. Let him down easy. Maybe introduce him to someone via, “Your Perfect ‘80s Rock Star Match.” Maybe he’ll get paired with Madonna and be super excited that you facilitated their meeting.S: Break up the same way as usual. Control, alt, delete.A: That’s the thing with those quizzes, you really have to be careful. They can be life altering. There should be a warning sign before you take them.S: Make sure you have your cookies locked down, too, or your quiz results follow you like a pair of boots on Zappos. It’s worse than Facebook offering up all your old boyfriends as people you might know. I’d rather have the boots.

Q: You know how lots of offices have casual Friday or Hawaiian Shirt Day? Well I suggested that we have “Jane Austen July” and now that it’s over everyone hates me. I thought the women would love spending a month with Mr. Darcy. Turns out, not so much. Those long skirts weren’t so great during that last hot spell. How can I win them back? - Elizabeth in Essex

A: I would love to dress like Elizabeth Bennet for a month! Those skirts hide a multitude of sins, and hairy legs.S: Jane Austen July! How lovely and literary. And ridiculous. I mean, how many offices have a pond for Mr. Darcy to swim in?A: Maybe you can win them back with Bring Your Hedgehog to Work Day.S: Have someone suggest Bring Your Hedgehog to Work Day, and then come up with something that people might want to do, like Sleep In Day. Or, Eat Someone Else’s Lunch Day.A: Or, Pajama Day. I’d love to go to work in my pajamas.S: Except if you worked in your pajamas you would still take just as long to get ready, and all your accessories would match. Which defeats the purpose.A: True. I do like to look pretty when I sleep.S: Maybe we need Bring Your Hedgehog to Work in His Pajamas day.A: That’s it!!

Q: What do you suggest for those pesky chin hairs - tweeze, wax or shave? - Hairy-et in Hampshire

A: I’m all about tweezers, though I never have them in my car where it seems I always am when I discover I am starting to look like my Uncle Gustav.S: Oh, the one with the spotty goatee? He always had good candy at his house though.A: You ate that? I once spit one out and left it in the dish. It was still there two years later when we went back to visit.S: Ew. Can we talk about chin hairs now? They’re less disgusting in comparison. Keep tweezers in your purse, Hairy. Just don’t use them around candy dishes.

I think I’m really on to something with my romance novel writing, Scarlett.

Yes, I think you should stick with it. Maybe you’ll write the next “50 Shades of Gray,” without all the X-rated parts.

It will be romance for the shy and self-conscious!

I think you’ve found your calling, Annabelle.

If you find folded laundry inexplicably sexy, or want to dress like Mr. Darcy, write us at annabelleandscarlett@gmail.com. And follow us on Twitter @fixitsisters.

So, Scarlett, you know how I like writing this column so much, I was thinking I’d write a novel. What do you think?
Sure! Something like “War and Peace” or “Bridget Jones’s Diary?”
Something more towards the latter - I want to write a romance novel.
Like one of those Fabio on the cover books?
Yes! I hear they’re all the rage and people are making oodles of money writing them. But I ran into an unforeseen problem.
That you can’t write without me?
Well, there is that. But mostly it’s that I get all kinds of embarrassed whenever I try to write the sexy parts. I like the other bits, you know about how the heroine has pets and a sister, and likes to knit, but as soon as anyone kisses her I get jumpy and flustered.
Maybe you could write an anti-romance novel. Kind of an autobiography.
That’s not funny, Scarlett.
Yes it is.
All right, it’s sort of funny. But it doesn’t help me. How can I write a romance novel without sex?
If you make it about married people with little kids you’re all set. Sexy to me is Joe folding the laundry and remembering to unclog the bathtub drain.
Oh, a real life romance, not the made up kind that makes everybody twitch! Maybe we could create a whole new genre of books about real life. I was trying to figure out how to work a hedgehog into the story, now it will be easy!
You start writing your book and I’ll answer some questions. Hey, here’s a relationship question right on the top!
Q: I took an online quiz and got a boyfriend I don’t like. How do I break up with him? - Quizical in Quebec
A: Breaking up is never easy, especially when you haven’t met. Let him down easy. Maybe introduce him to someone via, “Your Perfect ‘80s Rock Star Match.” Maybe he’ll get paired with Madonna and be super excited that you facilitated their meeting.
S: Break up the same way as usual. Control, alt, delete.
A: That’s the thing with those quizzes, you really have to be careful. They can be life altering. There should be a warning sign before you take them.
S: Make sure you have your cookies locked down, too, or your quiz results follow you like a pair of boots on Zappos. It’s worse than Facebook offering up all your old boyfriends as people you might know. I’d rather have the boots.
Q: You know how lots of offices have casual Friday or Hawaiian Shirt Day? Well I suggested that we have “Jane Austen July” and now that it’s over everyone hates me. I thought the women would love spending a month with Mr. Darcy. Turns out, not so much. Those long skirts weren’t so great during that last hot spell. How can I win them back? - Elizabeth in Essex
A: I would love to dress like Elizabeth Bennet for a month! Those skirts hide a multitude of sins, and hairy legs.
S: Jane Austen July! How lovely and literary. And ridiculous. I mean, how many offices have a pond for Mr. Darcy to swim in?
A: Maybe you can win them back with Bring Your Hedgehog to Work Day.
S: Have someone suggest Bring Your Hedgehog to Work Day, and then come up with something that people might want to do, like Sleep In Day. Or, Eat Someone Else’s Lunch Day.
A: Or, Pajama Day. I’d love to go to work in my pajamas.
S: Except if you worked in your pajamas you would still take just as long to get ready, and all your accessories would match. Which defeats the purpose.
A: True. I do like to look pretty when I sleep.
S: Maybe we need Bring Your Hedgehog to Work in His Pajamas day.
A: That’s it!!
Q: What do you suggest for those pesky chin hairs - tweeze, wax or shave? - Hairy-et in Hampshire
A: I’m all about tweezers, though I never have them in my car where it seems I always am when I discover I am starting to look like my Uncle Gustav.
S: Oh, the one with the spotty goatee? He always had good candy at his house though.
A: You ate that? I once spit one out and left it in the dish. It was still there two years later when we went back to visit.
S: Ew. Can we talk about chin hairs now? They’re less disgusting in comparison. Keep tweezers in your purse, Hairy. Just don’t use them around candy dishes.
I think I’m really on to something with my romance novel writing, Scarlett.
Yes, I think you should stick with it. Maybe you’ll write the next “50 Shades of Gray,” without all the X-rated parts.
It will be romance for the shy and self-conscious!
I think you’ve found your calling, Annabelle.
If you find folded laundry inexplicably sexy, or want to dress like Mr. Darcy, write us at annabelleandscarlett@gmail.com. And follow us on Twitter @fixitsisters.