Friday, September 28, 2007

My apology:I'm so embarrassed to call myself and blogger and abandon my blog for an entire month. The technology department at my school is so wonderful, at one point...I was two weeks in with still no internet. Anyways, I'm back now...so thats really all that matters.

As of now, I could probably feel this whole box up with all my thougts. College is interesting, I could see myself doing immaculent things. I'm writing for the paper and getting great feedback and confidence for myself in my writing. Socially, it hasn't been what I expected. I expected to meet many, friendly people all going through the same thing I am, but I have failed to do so. My roommates are cool, I think we all could learn alot from each other, but thats what cohabitation is about, right?

A year ago today, I never thought I would be here. Five, six, seven years ago I imagined I'd be wearing my Carolina blue sitting and laughing with my newly acquired lifetime girlfriends. Things don't go as planned obviously, but for some reason I still can't shake that dream. Something about this school doesn't feel right. I feel like I just went to college with no preference. There was something that was bringing me here, but my academic goals changed soon after my deposit was sent. I try not to think negative, but I just feel like college should feel like another home and for me, this just isn't it. I feel far from my family and especially from my friends. I've met some cool girls this week, but I refuse to change myself just to feel more comfortable around a few people.

I like who I am, I want to keep me.

My best friend claims she hates her school, which I don't understand. It was the only school she wanted to go to, she worked hard to get there and she made it. I want her to imagine sitting at her second choice school for an entire year.

I plan on transferring. I wish I could leave in January, but I'll stick out until May. I have to. If Chapel Hill doesn't take me...I don't know what I'll do, definetly just go somewhere else.

I haven't talked to my other best friend much this week. He came up a few weekends ago, it was fun. I hope he felt the same way here as I do when I go to his place. I saw him last week. I find him so attractive, I can't believe its been seven years and I still feel this way. Its kinda akward now, I don't know what things I'm allowed to say or not. I'll just keep it to myslf because I usually ending up wanting to bite my tongue.

When I left, he waved at me so simple as if I'd see him the next day. I can't get that out my head. It was only six days ago,but it seems so long ago. I measure my weeks by when I go home again...When I'm there I feel like I can exhale.

It's September 27...and the heat here is smoltering.

Jill Scott's new CD came out three days ago...I still don't have it yet. I feel like I'm missing out.

My body feels tense, I walk so much everyday. I wonder how I look when I walk around campus. I hope not how I feel...well, sometimes. Today I felt ultra-feminine, my hair done, but mostly not really in a messycute way and a silk shirt that allowed the wind to run across my tummy. I hope my face doesn't show my boredom, or my continued feeling of loneliness. Hopefully not my hunger, and certainly not my desire to sleep..a full nights of deep intoxicating sleep.

But I hope it does show my will to do great, to make my parents and sister proud and most importantly to show that I'm me. not her.