Pam is weird.
Since weird just seems to attract more weird, her email inbox is always stuffed with the weirdest of the weird. After she deletes the prayers and angels this is what's left.
At some point we knew it would spill out and infect society. We sincerely apologize for spreading the infection to you.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Mom's letter to Santa

Dear Santa

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my childrenon demand, visited the doctor's office more than my own doctor, soldsixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out -- over several Christmases.

Since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the backof a receipt in the laundry room between cycles; and who knows when I'll findany more free time in the next 18 years, so now - -

*** Here are my Christmas wishes ***

* I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (-in any color, except purple,which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze;but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocerystore.

* I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventhmonth of my last pregnancy.

* If you're hauling big-ticket items this year, I'd like fingerprintresistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television thatdoesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigeratorwith a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on thephone.

* On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, 'Yes,Mommy' to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight andthree pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of powertools.

* I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, 'Don't eat inthe living room' and 'Take your hands off your brother,' because myvoice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by thedog.

* If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enoughtime to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or theluxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it beingserved in a Styrofoam container.

*If you don't mind, I could also use a few miracles to brighten theholiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? Itwill clear my conscience immensely.

*It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around thehouse without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organizedcrime family.

Well, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing, and my son saw my feet underthe laundry room door. I think he wants his red crayon back. Have a safetrip Santa, and remember to leave your wet boots by the door, and comein and dry off, so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on thetable, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours always with love and appreciation, ~A Mom

P.S. One more thing . . You can cancel all my requests, if you can keepmy children 'young' enough to believe in Santa.

before you send hate mail

If something in this blog offends you, please accept my apologies, then keep it to yourself. I take great pride in my ability to laugh at myself and the world around me. My mission on earth, this lifetime, is to point out all of these funnies to you.

If you think this blog is funny, congratulations and thank you. My job here is done.

If, after reading this, you are still offended by anything in this blog, take two jokes by Carlos Mencia and see me in the morning.

thanks

Thank you to all the authors, photographers, email passers-on, and clueless rednecks who unknowingly contributed to this collection of emails and photos.

If you authored or photographed anything in this collection, or appeared in any photos shared here, please let us know and we will gladly give you full credit for your work. If you would like us to remove your work/photo(s) please let us know, and they will be forever removed from this site as soon as we receive your request. Either way, please allow us a few days to make changes, as we access this site only a few times a week.