This copy is for your personal non-commercial use only. To order presentation-ready copies of Toronto Star content for distribution to colleagues, clients or customers, or inquire about permissions/licensing, please go to: www.TorontoStarReprints.com

Marriage a moving experience

Q: I've been in an eight-month happy relationship. However, we live an hour apart. She's living in a small town and I'm a big city guy. She's highly respected in her career. I don't love my job but have creative pursuits outside work that are essential to my happiness. We've been together every weekend since meeting. Mostly, I go to see her. The plan for marriage is that she would like me to live with her, as she has recently bought a house and doesn't want to move to the city or halfway. I love her very much and believe we're good for each other, but, as well as a long, daily commute to work in the city, I'm uneasy that my life is going to change greatly. I've voiced these fears but it always escalates to my being accused of not wanting to be with her, when I really do.

Q: I've been in an eight-month happy relationship. However, we live an hour apart. She's living in a small town and I'm a big city guy. She's highly respected in her career. I don't love my job but have creative pursuits outside work that are essential to my happiness. We've been together every weekend since meeting. Mostly, I go to see her. The plan for marriage is that she would like me to live with her, as she has recently bought a house and doesn't want to move to the city or halfway. I love her very much and believe we're good for each other, but, as well as a long, daily commute to work in the city, I'm uneasy that my life is going to change greatly. I've voiced these fears but it always escalates to my being accused of not wanting to be with her, when I really do.

Am I selfish for these thoughts? I feel a little cornered and stressed.

Between A Rock And A Hard Place

A: The great news is that you're in love and understand the need for compromises. Less great is no sense of compromise on your girlfriend's part. There should at least be chat about "seeing how plan A works." You both want to be together. She must stop accusing you of not wanting this. It's a childish "attack" tactic, instead of mature solution-seeking. You've agreed to the long commute but, if it becomes too arduous (e.g., in winter), there are two options, not just one. Either you find an acceptable job in her town and start working on creative projects there, too, or, if that's not working, you two buy a house together that's a half-hour from each locale. No, you're not selfish. Make sure she isn't, either. Q: I'm a professional woman who went on a social network of classmates seven years ago (during a low point in my marriage) and contacted the only person I dated before marrying my husband. We met for coffee. I felt guilty, told my husband and stopped contact. Two years later, he contacted me while I was in turmoil over close relatives dying. I lent him $1,000, didn't hear back, then sent a scathing email asking why. He replied that I was being harsh and critical. Our contact stopped again a year ago. In March, he resurfaced through Facebook, declared undying love (again) and asked for $200 to travel to a rehab centre, which I gave him. More emails were about his abusive wife, his kids hating him, he'd become homeless, etc. I lent him another $1,000. Eventually, he asked for $5,000 and my Visa number to help him leave his wife. Neither of which I gave him. Last week, he accidentally sent an email destined for another woman regarding helping him. He confessed there were multiple women helping him. I've been a victim of an Internet sociopath. How do I help others without ruining my relationship with my husband, especially since it's now going great?

Feeling Stupid

Article Continued Below

A: Stupid, yes. Victim? No. You were a willing sucker to an obvious con man. One way to help others is through a published letter like this, which reveals clearly how easily you could have not sent the money, not replied, how you could have seen through his pathetic stories, etc. Depending on the risk to your relationship, consider confiding in your husband and assuring him you're never going to be that foolishly vulnerable again.

The two of you could then alert police to this Internet scammer.

Tip of the Day

An hour's distance isn't huge, unless one party won't meet on issues part-way.

The Toronto Star and thestar.com, each property of Toronto Star Newspapers Limited, One Yonge Street, 4th Floor, Toronto, ON, M5E 1E6. You can unsubscribe at any time. Please contact us or see our privacy policy for more information.

More from the Toronto Star & Partners

LOADING

Copyright owned or licensed by Toronto Star Newspapers Limited. All rights reserved. Republication or distribution of this content is expressly prohibited without the prior written consent of Toronto Star Newspapers Limited and/or its licensors. To order copies of Toronto Star articles, please go to: www.TorontoStarReprints.com