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Sir Lupus on "'Blessed relief' for Piers Morgan as David Mellor comes back on the scene"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=84087#post-244260
Thu, 27 Nov 2014 21:38:15 +0000Sir Lupus244260@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Spot on. WTF made Piers Morgan, of all people, think this was a story for him to wade in on? Five stars and a bump!
</p>pinxit on "'Blessed relief' for Piers Morgan as David Mellor comes back on the scene"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=84087#post-244093
Tue, 25 Nov 2014 14:21:06 +0000pinxit244093@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>The UK's resident shit, Piers Morgan, took to Twitter to express his 'utter joy' that former Cabinet Minister David Mellor is back in the news after 20 years, hitting tabloid front pages 'like a recurring dose of the clap'.</p>
<p>'He's smashed it!' Morgan tweeted. 'What a blessed relief. The toe-sucking toad has finally crawled out of the slime, into a taxi and onto the headlines. At last I can hand over my smeg mantle to the master and take a back seat.' </p>
<p>'As proud as I am to have been Britain's Cock Laureate for the last couple of decades, believe it or not, being the country's most loathed figure does have its downsides.'</p>
<p>'You've got to hand it to Dave; he's a natural. He does execrable twat effortlessly. An ordinary, low-key cab ride! Who else could make the shit hit the Fleet Street fan so spectacularly?'</p>
<p>Mr Morgan went on to tweet his plans for the future, which includes another attempt at a charisma transplant, after his last operation in America failed so spectacularly.</p>
<p>'I'll be taking a sabbatical on the Laureate post. Mellor's back for at least a year, so it's in a safe pair of tentacles. The man's 100% pure cunt. Take it from one who knows!'
</p>Giroscope on "Piers Morgan In Hot Water Over Offensive 'Sun' Blog"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=67297#post-196935
Sun, 29 Sep 2013 16:06:09 +0000Giroscope196935@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Popular chat show host Piers Morgan has found himself in hot water over a spoof blog he created, entitled "Alternative Uses For The Sun Newspaper".</p>
<p>The blog features juvenile posts from self-important types who have little more to do with their time other than to create spoof comic material.</p>
<p>Suggested alternative uses for the UK tabloid included a "Vomit Blocker", where the user is required to make specific folds of the 'Paper in such a way that it will form a protective 'device' for those unfortunate enough to be in Manchester city centre on a Friday night.</p>
<p>Another user had presented a format for a 'game' called "Attract-A-Chav", which involves pinning a copy of 'The Sun' to a wall in an establishment frequented by 'Chavs'. Points are 'awarded' based on the number of 'Chavs' who gravitate towards it and large bonuses apply if a fight breaks out over who gets to look at 'Page 3'. Establishments suggested as ideal included McDonalds and Wickes.</p>
<p>Barry Buckle, a 'Sun' regular since 1972 said: "Its silly really. These f**king [writers] don't know what [The Sun] is like. Its a great newspaper - stands up for [Britain]".</p>
<p>Morgan, a staunch anti-Sun campaigner since his days on 'The Mirror', has argued it is just a bit of fun: "We all know Sun-readers are a bit dim. This is just taking the piss a bit...whats the problem?"</p>
<p>When asked how he felt about the "Low IQ Confirmation Method", a simple trick allowing instant identification of 'a stupid', he had this to add: "I have actually tried that one! It worked like a treat! I sent the chap who posted it a free CNN subscription and a copy of my book".</p>
<p>"Now I have a way to detect those who have lower IQs than me!"</p>
<p>[Not much use to you then, is it?!] - Ed
</p>thisisall1word on "Piers Morgan raffle win; newly discovered poisonous fungi named in his honour"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48183#post-138657
Mon, 17 Sep 2012 11:53:18 +0000thisisall1word138657@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Piers Morgan was the winner last night of a charity dinner raffle, in aid of Rainforest Awareness, to have a newly discovered species named after him.</p>
<p>Naturalists this morning revealed the exciting discovery of a distinct subspecies of poisonous fungi to be named Piersmorganyceps which is closely related to a variety which decimated the frog population in the 1990s. The new variety is markedly different in only being able to grow deep within the anus of the Rainforest frogs and is believed to be one of the most toxic parasitical fungi yet discovered.</p>
<p>Second prize in the raffle was one by children's author and comedian David Walliams who will have a newly discovered cute rainforest dwelling kitten named after him.
</p>dvo4fun on "Piers Morgan triumph as 20 members of Leveson enquiry double his TV audience"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36466#post-102166
Tue, 20 Dec 2011 20:19:29 +0000dvo4fun102166@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>works for me.
</p>apepper on "Piers Morgan triumph as 20 members of Leveson enquiry double his TV audience"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36466#post-102162
Tue, 20 Dec 2011 19:26:05 +0000apepper102162@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Piers Morgan's video link appearance before the Leveson enquiry has broken all records for viewers of the former tabloid editor. Justice Leveson was asked why Morgan hadn't been required to attend in person. "5000 miles is plenty close enough.", explained Lord Leveson, "even then, I had to keep a bucket on standby."
</p>apepper on "Piers Morgan to be first space tourist - "return ticket under negotiation""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=32695#post-93053
Thu, 27 Oct 2011 15:11:37 +0000apepper93053@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Virgin Galactic has named broadcaster Piers Morgan as the first space tourist to get a seat on the new SpaceShipTwo sub-orbital space craft.</p>
<p>"His name was the first that came up.", explained Virgin Galactic owner Sir Richard Branson, "the only complication is the return ticket option; he'd like to have one, we're not so sure it's a good idea."
</p>borednow on "CANDLELIT VIGILS HELD ACROSS THE GLOBE AS "INDUSTRY ICON" ANNOUNCES RESIGNATION"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29675#post-83282
Thu, 25 Aug 2011 12:44:30 +0000borednow83282@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>He's not resigning he's fired (well someone had to say it)
</p>donkey_walloppa on "CANDLELIT VIGILS HELD ACROSS THE GLOBE AS "INDUSTRY ICON" ANNOUNCES RESIGNATION"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29675#post-83268
Thu, 25 Aug 2011 11:35:28 +0000donkey_walloppa83268@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>In scenes more commonly associated with a celebrity death or the break-up of a boy-band, fans, mourners, and competitors alike, gathered together today in a show of support following the shock announcement that technology pioneer Lord Sir Alan Sugar was stepping down from his position at the head of the global technology giant Amstrad. </p>
<p>Founded in 1968, by Alan Sugar and his school friend, Alun Webber, it was during the 1980s that Amstrad went on to consolidate its now long-held position as market leader with its range of PCW home computers and word processors, and the hugely popular Amstrad 7070 tape deck.</p>
<p>The name ‘Amstrad’, originally coined by Alan Sugar, was later revealed to be a contraction of the phrase ‘Alan Michael Sugar is Totally RAD’, and following their huge early success, went on to become a regular source of contention between the two founders.</p>
<p>Despite a stock market flotation in 1980, Alan and Alun’s fortunes began to falter a decade later in the early 1990s, when in-fighting resulted firstly with a failed attempt to join the video games console market, and then later a handheld PDA called the PenPad which basically just wasn’t really any good. </p>
<p>Sadly, Amstrad PLC was wound up in 1997.</p>
<p>At the turn of the millennium, Amstrad LTD, now privately owned, attempted to move into the rapidly expanding telephony market with the launch of their E-m@iler, a fixed-line telephone and email device which proved to be a terrible and ill thought-out idea, and should never have gone into production in the first place. Unsurprisingly, it never caught on, perhaps also in part due to the superfluous hyphen used in the omnipresent branding.</p>
<p></p>
<p>By 2007 Amstrad’s sole source of revenue had been reduced to the fees received by 64-year-old Sugar for his regular appearances on the BBC television series <em>Dragon’s Den</em>. </p>
<p>Despite rumours of a forthcoming launch of the long-awaiting Amstablet, a tablet computer with detachable mouse expected by some to outsell Apple’s iPad, and revered by many as the saviour of the British personal computing industry, it seems to have now become all too much for the former market trader from Hackney, east London.</p>
<p>Lord Sir Alan Sugar has cited personal reasons for the decision and is widely expected to retire graciously from the public eye and dedicate his newfound free time to his favourite leisure pursuits, namely cycling, reciprocal back-patting with fellow <em>'Dragons'</em>, and bickering with Piers Morgan on Twitter.</p>
<p>A replacement has yet to be named for his role but it is thought unlikely his blundering son Simon Sugar will be a candidate, following his involvement in the ongoing Amscreen shambles he part-owns with his father, which attempts to sell advertising space on a giant imaginary screen located somewhere in Essex.
</p>antharrison on "Piers Morgan is On Route to Visit UK Forces in Afghanistan"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4896#post-13721
Sun, 23 May 2010 13:05:55 +0000antharrison13721@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>This is excellent
</p>thisisall1word on "Piers Morgan is On Route to Visit UK Forces in Afghanistan"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4896#post-13718
Sun, 23 May 2010 12:29:11 +0000thisisall1word13718@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Ah - a quick google search of the archives reveals that there's been a similar story;<br />
<a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=846" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=846</a> - from AdrianJ - obv I am not alone in linking Morgan to the Taliban and some sort of fantasy of the odious ones demise. <em>(didn't remember yr earlier post AJ - sry) </em></p>
<p>Although at least the man knows he is not liked - saw him quoting the joke on Britain's got Talent: Why do people take an instant dislike to Piers Morgan? To Save Time. - so in some way his self-awareness of his own unlike-ability should count for him. It does not. He's weirdly proud of this and therefore it only makes things worse.
</p>Basil_B on "Piers Morgan is On Route to Visit UK Forces in Afghanistan"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4896#post-13632
Sat, 22 May 2010 13:45:40 +0000Basil_B13632@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Quality. Lets hope the Taliban act on information given, no sorry don't act on information given.
</p>Scroat on "Piers Morgan is On Route to Visit UK Forces in Afghanistan"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4896#post-13631
Sat, 22 May 2010 13:40:33 +0000Scroat13631@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Laugh out loud stuff this!!!
</p>Zadok the second on "Piers Morgan is On Route to Visit UK Forces in Afghanistan"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4896#post-13630
Sat, 22 May 2010 13:36:24 +0000Zadok the second13630@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>This is my favourite sub ever.
</p>thisisall1word on "Piers Morgan is On Route to Visit UK Forces in Afghanistan"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4896#post-13606
Fri, 21 May 2010 21:59:25 +0000thisisall1word13606@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Much Loved TV star Piers Morgan is flying out to pay a morale boosting visit to UK troops stationed in Helmand Province, Afghanistan. Army Generals and MOD officials have ensured that such a high profile trip will not attract unwanted attention from insurgents.<br />
The itinerary will see the Britain's Got Talent Judge land at 07:30am at the air strip 28 miles North of camp bastion before waiting, alone, for an hour until the lightly armed X-86J land rover picks him up to drive along the scenic Baji Bast Pass, a tight ravine path surrounded on both sides by high rocky outposts and many dense bushes which are often used as excellent cover by Taliban fighters.<br />
The X-86J is a vehicle barely used by the modern army due to the incredibly poor protection offered to the left hand passenger seat, which Mr Morgan will occupy. The army are hoping very much that this information does not reach the wrong hands.<br />
"We want to make it as clear as we can that Piers is one of our countries most highly regarded statesmen" Major General Gordon Messenger announced today, "and if he were to come to any harm, perhaps during the unscheduled stretching breaks, scheduled for 10:15 to 10:45 at grid reference 12-65-168-1548, then the morale of our brave troops would be shattered and we would have no choice but to surrender. I pray to God that this information is not used against us by our bitter enemies."
</p>Duff on "Cameron is left reeling following shattering news"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4088#post-11541
Sat, 08 May 2010 17:39:46 +0000Duff11541@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Prime Minister in waiting, David Cameron, is facing one of the toughest decisions of his short political career, and that's before he even gets his feet under the table at No.10. Unbelievably he is having to wrestle with the possibility that he may have to sack a leading member of his soon-to-be-formed cabinet, before they've even been offered the post!</p>
<p>Sources close to the Tory Leader say that has been sent reeling by news that bookies favourite to become Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, is in fact the brother of Piers Morgan. The shattering news for the Conservatives came to light as a result of information unearthed for an episode of BBC's popular genealogy show 'Who do you think you are? Preliminary research on the show's subject, Morgan, led to documents being discovered that prove beyond all doubt that the two are identical twins who were separated at birth.</p>
<p>Professor of genealogy, Rudolph Schmit, a researcher on the programme comments. "Once we discovered the documentation so many things fell into place all at once. The shared traits were obvious. There and then we began to understand why two people in the media spotlight, but who were from seemingly different families, could be equally smug and smarmy. The answer was simple once we made our discovery. It was like a light going on"</p>
<p>Political commentators say that now the information is in the public domain, Mr Cameron will have to act swiftly before untold damage is done to his fledgling administration. Focus groups and party advisors had cautioned that Mr Osborne was quite a despised figure and caused nausea in a large section of the population. This was already threatening his political future, but now with a direct link to Morgan proven many believe that his position is becoming untenable, and it's understood that he is coming under considerable pressure to fall on his sword and make David Cameron's decision easier.</p>
<p>Piers Morgan has issued a denial and has made it known to the BBC that he now wishes to withdraw from participation in the show. However he has stopped short of taking legal action and this is being seen as an admission of guilt on his part. The consensus among both TV an political pundits now being that the future of both men looks to be fairly bleak.</p>
<p>PR guru, Max Clifford, commented. "Even I can't see a way to put a positive spin on this for either of them. The extra smugness and smarminess factor that this revelation brings to both, when added to the already existing accumulated high levels, simply makes it impossible to overcome. I honestly believe that the only course of action open to George and Piers is that they retire gracefully with as little fuss as possible"
</p>