Monday, December 14, 2009

Went to Coal Miner's Office Christmas Party this weekend and it was pretty eventful. Let's just say that it started by every female there staring me down and the first words ever uttered to me were "yea I'm the other woman." Ohh okay. So yea, it started out great. Then I turned to find two other women staring at me and talking about me and laughing. And let's be honest, I'm not paranoid so when someone points at you and laughs in your face, its safe to say they were talking about you. I also let that go. Whatevs, I'm the new chick, its expected to be hated right? Well what wasn't expected was the 100 million glaring eyes and evil looks shot in my direction. Maybe 100 million is a little bit of an exaggeration but I'd say it was at least 50 and now I'm not exaggerating. I was on the Top 10 Most Hated persons of the evening. Now, if you know me, you know that I'm a pretty fun chick. I like to drink, I make jokes, I love dirty jokes, and can dance with the best of them. I also love fashion, makeup, and shoes so I may have looked like a model that night, just saying (well I mean at least I was 5'9 with my heels and looked super skinny from running 5 miles in the morning and refraining from eating dinner). At any rate, as the night progressed folks seemed to take a liking to me. It was either my striking good looks and humor or the fact that I bought them all a round of drinks. I befriended a gey couple and I seriously heart them. I want to hang out with them as much as possible and introduce them to my other geys.

So once everyone started to loosen up (aka get crunked) the night started to get very interesting. We ended up at a go-go bar (for those of you who don't live in DC, go-go is a type of music not a titty bar) in Tysons. Which is just ridiculous b/c if you've ever been to Tysons its purely a Caucasian place. At any rate, we stuck out like a sore thumb and I loved it. I covet go-go music and can't wait to do the shuffle anytime I can, so I was all over it. The others though were feeling a bit uncomfortable but I could have cared less at that point. I was like 6 glasses of Pinot Noir deep and I was loving everything. You know its a good night when you end up in your bed at 3am eating a 7 Layer Mexican Dip and your boyfriend burning grilled cheeses and laughing about it. Oh and I fell asleep with a water bottle in my hand and spilled water all over Coal Miner's part of the bed. Thanks be to God in my sleep I knew which way to turn that bottle over. Poor guy felt like he was sleeping in pee all night...don't worry it was just water (I SWEAR). I've included two short stories below. One that encompasses the best part of my evening and one that encompasses the worst, just for your reading enjoyment.

Best Part of EveningGirl Eating a Wing: Gurl, you want a wang?Me: Nah, I'm good. Thank you though.Girl Eating a Wing: What's wrong gurl? You don't eat wangs?Me: No, I totally do, I just don't want one right now.Girl Eating a Wing: Well if you want one, you just let me know okay?Me: Okay, thanks again.Girl Eating a Wing: Mmmm hmmmm. *talking to friend* I don't know why dat betch is in hur anyway. Can't she tell she the only dayum white person in here? *laughter ensues*....I let that all go. Next episode.

Girl Now No Longer Eating Wings: Wait, wait, urrrybody make room for the princess white girl coming through, she got some drinks for hur friends.Me: Thank you so much, I do NOT want to drop these.Girl Now No Longer Eating Wings: Oh yea gurl, we coo now....I let that all go (specifically the princess white girl thing). Next episode.

Girl Now Grilling Me at Every Chance She Gets: Princess, you and yo frunds gonna dance or not?Me: I'll dance with you.Girl Now Grilling Me at Every Chance She Gets: Princess I don't wanna hurtcha.Me: Beleee me, you can't hurt this gurl.Girl Now Grilling Me at Every Chance She Gets: Princess you betta watch it.Me: What's your name again? I didn't catch it.Girl Now Grilling Me at Every Chance She Gets: That's cause I never told you. And I don't plan to neither.Me: I like where your heads at and ps your shoes are awesome.Girl Now Smiling from Ear to Ear: Okay Princess we coo, you a cool white chick I'll give it to ya.Me: Thank you! You wanna dance. Girl Now Smiling from Ear to Ear: Yea girl, lets go get our shuffle on. You know how to do this right?Me: Gurl puhhlease, I made this dance up, no lie!Girl Now Smiling from Ear to Ear: Shut up and do the shuffle *laughing*and so we did. We shuffled together, and we became club friends. And that was the best part of my evening.

Worst Part of EveningLet me set the scene for you - dark bar, a whole group of us shoved in the back at the wait station, me grabbing a glass of wine, my back to the group. *tap tap on my shoulder, I twirl around*Group of 5 of CM's Coworkers: Hey thereMe: Oh hey, did you guys need a drink?Group: Nah, nope, no I'm good *in unison*Me: Oh okay *me trying to move out of the way, and the semicircle gets tighter*Group: We just wanted to talk to you for a secondMe: OkayGroup Member #1: So we think its important you know that CM is a really good guy.Group Member #2: Like a really really good.Group Member #3: Like maybe tooo good of a guy.Me: Yea I know, he's a great guyGroup Member #4: You get that right?Me: Yea, I doGroup Member #1: We just want to make sure that you understand that he is a great, nice, wonderful guy.Group Member #5: And it seems like you understand, but we want to make sure you really understand.Group Member #2: B/c he talks about you like all of the time. I mean he really likes you.Group Member #3: Like really likes you.Me: Yea I really like him too. He's a great guy, we've got a good thing going.Group Member #1: Let's keep it that way. Just don't do anything to hurt him. He's been through enough.Group Member #4: I think she gets it, it seems like she does. Doesn't it ladies?Group Member #1, #2, #3, & #5: Yea, I guess so, Sure, Seems like it, She's nice you guys *in unison*Group Member #1: Oh and if I don't like you, its kind of a deal breaker. I hope he told you that.The Whole Group: Later.So basically these ladies were telling me that I'm not good enough for him and they don't even know me. Which is fine. I guess you get to hate on the new girl. I just know I would never make anyone feel the way that they did on Saturday night. It was a difficult evening, but I think I handled the situation really well. Maybe I'm naive but I think they all ended up really liking me in the end. Or maybe they are just waiting to pounce....we shall see, we shall see.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Okay so Mister Inappropriate is back at it with a vengence. Radio silence for a few days b/c he was apparently out sick. Thanks be to God he is back b/c its been getting a little dull around here lately. The weeping of my new male colleague (I took him to the stairwell to have some privacy. I mean a grown man cannot cry in the middle of the office. So I showed him my secret cry spot.) and knockdown screaming match between my old VP and Director (girlfriend told my old Director "You are a dumb mutherf*cker. I don't know how you have stayed in this company for as long as you have but I'm going to make sure your dumb motherf*cking a$$ is gone by year-end..." GET IT GIRL!) just don't tickle my fancy. Boooorrrriinnnnggg.

Yesterday started with some hacking and nose blowing, followed by sneezing. He swore up and down he felt better, but the snot filled Kleenexes on his desk proved otherwise (an entire box...he went through an entire box yesterday). However, he also mentioned (at level 236.91 on a scale of 1 -10) that he had a huge deliverable that needed to be met by week end so he couldn't possibly miss another day. He stood up from his desk today, while eating lunch and farted...I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to...and said "Well that one just slipped out, but it had some volume didn't it?!?!?! " and then laughed until his fat belly giggled like Santa's. Its just really unbelievable. I mean who stands up and farts so loud that I can hear it from my office. I mean that thing had bass. I might have actually felt it move my desk a little, like a small earthquake. I heard him complain to someone on the phone that I'm super loud. AS IF! Dude take a look in the mirror. Or perhaps take those cotton balls out of your ears (dude has more hair coming out of his ear than a chimpanzee) and listen to yourself. I'm almost tempted to think that he knows I'm blogging about him so he wants to give me good material. Well its working Mister Inappropriate. I love you more now than I did yesterday when you showed up all snot nosed and congested. My only hope is that you played out in the ice rain last night and you come in tomorrow with H1N1 and a bag full of one liners.

Off to my meeting that involves wine and cheese so technically I guess it isn't a meeting, but my company scheduled it so f you guys, it IS a meeting if its company sanctioned.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I know, I know, I've been neglecting my blog. But it isn't b/c I don't love to blog, its b/c I haven't really had anything that fun to talk about that isn't mushy and lovey and makes you want to throw up a little when you read about how wonderfully in love I am (see I just gagged a little at myself). Just got back from Thanksgiving with the fam which is always a good time. My family is so much freaking fun. Not only does my father come out with the best one liners, the twins (my niece and nephew) have now joined the bandwagon. At 3 & 1/2 years old they are really starting to make me proud. For instance let me share this little exchange with my nephew:

3 1/2 yr. old nephew: Megan where are your kids?

Me: Well I don't have any kids

3 1/2 yr. old nephew: Why not?

Me: Because I haven't gotten married yet and chosen to procreate.

3 1/2 yr. old nephew: Huh?

Me: I'll start popping some out soon kiddo, don't you worry.

3 1/2 yr. old nephew: Soon??? I'll be old by the time you do.

I mean seriously, now I'm getting pressure from my 3 1/2 year old nephew???? What is this world coming to? I bet my mother put him up to that, I can almost guarantee she dropped that little nugget on him! Or he's just a smart little sh*t and knew what buttons to press. Pulls at my heart strings I tell ya, pulls at 'em (can you feel the sarcasm?).

At any rate, it was a good holiday. My grandmother got a little tipsy at dinner (She had a cosmo and a glass of wine. She is 89 years old and weighs about 90 lbs. She is RAD!) and asked me (out loud mind you) if I thought it was possible for my sister to get any cheaper than she already was (it is not possible, though I'm betting I could be surprised by her). She also told me that if she didn't approve of Coal Miner than I was to dump him immediately and find a suitable replacement. Oh and that she was glad I wasn't driving home on Thanksgiving so that I could drink with her. God I love my grandmother.

Coal Miner met the fam, they loved him. I mean who wouldn't?!?! I think Coal Miner liked the 757. Who knows, maybe I could get him to move back there if we could find some good jobs (hint hint, ahem, hint). I seriously loathe the 703/202, mostly because of the traffic and inability to plan any type of activity without padding in traffic/travel time. Spur of the moment no longer exists in my life and that just makes me a sad sad girl.

Oh please note that I have been locked into skiing on NYE. DEAR GOD HELP ME. If I break anything or come back with bruises so large someone will assume that I get my a$$ beat on a regular basis by my roid loving boyfriend, I'm never going to forgive Coal Miner. Until the day we die I'm going to say "Remember that time you made me go skiing and told me it was going to be easy...." Well at least that's how the conversation will start. I will of course embellish and make it a lot worse than it actually was, but that's my steeze so lay off.

I'm rambling and I need to do a weekly metrics report and quarterly graphs (did you just jiz with excitement over what I need to get accomplished today at work?) so I'm peacing out. Later betches.