It’s so hard to comprehend death..

The hardest part about my job is when a young person asks me why G-d had to “take” someone so young, when it clearly wasn’t “time” for them to go yet.

Today, I’m stricken with grief over 2 young FSU students who lost their lives heading back to school after spring break. While I did not know them, many of my students – students I love and adore – did know them, and several of them have asked me why.

Don’t forget – I’m a mom, too, and I cannot count the times I put my kids back in their car, kissed them goodbye and then held my breath for 6 hours praying to G-d to carry them safely back to school, and then breathing a sigh of relief when the text or call came through to let me know they were ok.

Sometimes, the call wouldn’t come, and then I would freak the heck out on them, but that’s a whole entirely different post. Clearly, they were always safe – and for that I am eternally grateful.

“Why did God take them?”

Today, I am reminded of what I say every week in my services when I talk about God. I remind everyone that God does not control every occurrence in the universe, and that we all have personal and human responsibility to use the gifts God has already given us, to create the lives of our dreams. But we also make human choices, uncontrolled by God, that cause outcomes both good and bad – and sometimes tragic.

I don’t believe God takes children away. EVER. God gave us the precious gift of life, and it is up to each of us to treasure it. But our bodies are made to fail. Nobody gets out of this life alive, and we are all going to pass away, some sooner than others. I believe this is an occurrence that falls out of God’s hands.

Without knowing that at any day we could take our last breath – would we treasure life so deeply? If we knew just how much time we had – would we wait till the end to fill it up?

How many of us post every single day about reminding ourselves that tomorrow may never come? The gift of tomorrow is not from God. It is simply a gift – not from a sender.

“What can we do?”

We simply cannot know – nor should we – and we must treat every day as if it were our last. But when someone we love is taken from us – we must know it was not God’s intention. God gave us life to love and enjoy without any promise of a number of days we will have.

Rest in peace, to the 2 students I do not know. But I pray my prayers are carried to the hearts of the parents who grieve their losses. And to the hearts of the mourners who grieve.

If anyone knows these parents, and can possibly let me know how my community can support them, please contact me offline.

Shortly before Passover, my friend Darren from Levitt-Weinstein called me, to ask me to sing for a beach memorial service for a client. I thought he was asking me to officiate, but when I spoke with the daughter, she told me she had a friend that was officiating the funeral, but that her Mom absolutely loved music, and they wanted someone to play guitar and sing at the Memorial Service. So, I thought it would still be a good idea to speak with the person officiating, and miraculously, Karen Roebard came crashing into my life. The minute I first spoke with Karen, we knew we were both traveling a very similar path in life, and had so much in common. Coming from the Berkley renewal movement, which I am SO interested in, we were similar, but different, yet the combination was magical.

Karen lived in the same building as Bunny, and while she didn’t know her well, she was meant to be in that space, in that way, because nobody could have done a better job than Karen at leading this beach beautiful memorial. Bunny’s family wanted nothing to do with a funeral, but only to celebrate Bunny’s life, at the place she loved the most, in a way only Bunny would create – at the beach, with music all around. And, that’s what we did.

We stood at the deck on the beach just north of Embassy Suites in Deerfield Beach, Florida, and everyone shared their memories of Bunny. In the background, I played soft guitar notes, as everyone shared their thoughts. But what made this a really amazing experience, was that at the end of the funeral service, her daughters had bought special butterflies to release in her honor. So suddenly, we were all standing in a circle, and let our butterflies go into the air, and it was a beautiful way to remember Bunny.

People always say “I’m sorry” when I tell them I officiated or sang at a funeral or a memorial service. I’m not sorry at all. It is the greatest priviledge to bring comfort to people and their families, at their deepest moments of sadness. If my presence, my words, or my music can bring healing to a person in need, then I am anything but sorry. I am deeply honored.

Bunny, I am sure you were an amazing woman, and you left an incredible legacy on this earth. We know you were with us on that beach deck, and that you are taking care of those beautiful butterflies. May your memory be for a blessing.

I admit, I’m a huge fan of Destination Weddings, but Seth and Dana’s Jewish wedding ceremony was the perfect example of why we should still have big, beautiful events right here at home.

So, things were off to a great start from the minute I heard from Dana, because she emailed me and told me that her fiance, Seth, was the son of a business associate/friend of mine, and they wanted to talk about me doing their wedding. Seth’s Mom – Ellen, is the only other Whirling Dirvish I have ever met, other than Lara Mayer, from Max’s Bar Mitzvah. I’m not quite sure what a whirling dirvish is, but I know that Ellen’s picture is under it, in the Webster’s Dictionary. Truly.

Seth isn’t much different from his Mom. He is SUCH a character. And Dana is the perfect match for him. From the first moment we met, we all shared a great connection, and I just couldn’t help but fall in love with this perfect combination of wit, humor, and sarcasm, and that made getting to know them SO much of an adventure. I knew, when we met for the last time at Starbucks, that I was really going to miss my Thursday evening coffee sessions, because I always felt myself smiling for hours after leaving one of our meetings. They are just so damned cute. SO CUTE. Together. A perfect match, a match made in heaven, yes…beshert…..

Dana and Seth are so close, they almost share the same DNA. I don’t think I ever witnessed an awkward moment, or a single answer that was any different from what the other answered. They should totally be on the Newlywed Game – if it was still around.

But, the best part of Dana and Seth, was their Jewish wedding ceremony. From the minute I got to Woodfield Country Club, you could feel the love and excitement in the air. The florists were putting together the chuppa and the walkway, and I knew from that first look that this was going to be an exquisite setting, and it was.

We held the Ketubah signing prior to the Jewish wedding ceremonyceremony, and their ketubah was so beautiful. It was a special moment for their immediate family, and for Dana and Seth, as well. Within a few minutes, we were off to line up for the processional!

Perhaps my ultimate favorite part of the wedding ceremony was the processional. Dana and Seth picked the BEST music for their processional, and I began walking out to Jack Johnson’s “Better Together”. A very popular pick these days, it’s also the most played song on my IPOD, so I was really psyched to be walking to my favorite song in the whole world. Then, she chose a song by Van Morrison (I think it was Into the Mystic….will have to verify that) but it was such a pretty song. Then, my ultimate favorite song played for her processional (which has now taken over JJ’s Better Together as #1 Ipod song) by Marc Cohn, called “True Companion”. OMG. What an amazing song. I was beaming at her walking down the aisle, because the mood was just so happy, and exuberant, and I was so excited to be waiting for both Seth and Dana at the chuppa!

The wedding ceremony was beautiful – Dana wasn’t sure if she wanted to circle Seth for the Seven Blessings or not, and at the last minute, she chose to have me wrap the Tallit around them, but it was just as beautiful.

They exchanged their rings in the Jewish traditional way, first on the right index finger, and then moving them over to their own left ring fingers. I concluded the Jewish wedding ceremony with the Birkat Cohanim, Julie Silver’s version, and on to the breaking of the glass and the pronouncement. They were married. And beaming at each other. And I was sad – that it was over.

Dana and Seth – I just think you two are so much fun, and I can’t believe time flew by us so quickly. I’m happy you live right around the corner, because I really hope you’ll still make time for some coffee-Thursdays. In the meantime, have a great time on that incredible honeymoon you are going on and thanks for the awesome memories. Love u both!

Want to create your own “dream come true wedding”? Contact Cantor Debbi today to see how you can co-create the event of your dreams.

PS: And don’t forget to stop by our sample ceremonies page to see what your ceremony might look like!

I’m up bright and early to finish off this Thanksgiving weekend with quite a bit of activity. I’m getting ready to leave for Orlando, where I will be co-officiating the wedding of Megan and Michael tonight at the Winter Park Civic Center. The wedding is a Catholic-Jewish wedding, and I am co-officiating with Father Tim. The Interfaith wedding ceremony is a great blend of traditions, and I look forward to writing more about it when I return.

On Sunday morning, upon my return, I am leading a memorial service for a wonderful man who was a legendary father and grandfather. The stories I have heard about him made me remember my own, and reminded me that even though I had a short time with him in my life, he left me with memories I will cherish forever, and a legacy that leads me through life even today. How fortunate we are if we have parents and grandparents who shower us with unconditional love. I know that this man’s presence was terribly missed at the family’s Thanksgiving this year, but they remembered him with joy and happiness, a true testament to the legacy he left behind.

On Monday, I received a call from my friend, Darren, from Levitt Weinstein Funeral Home, in Boca. Darren is such a great young man, and when we met, we really clicked. I was trying to expand my name a bit, especially since I have found that presiding at funerals was amazingly rewarding to me, and I loved being such a source of comfort to the families who needed me most. But, for anyone who knows, getting funeral homes to “accept” and hire women is a difficult challenge, even today. But, having hit it off so well, Darren promised that he would call me very soon, with the perfect service.

Well, the day that Darren called, my life was immediately transformed, because I was connected with the most special family. The woman who had passed away was 56 years old. She was Autistic. She died very suddenly, as she had gone into cardiac arrest as a result of an insulin imbalance. The family was small, a sister and a mother, 2 aunts, some friends, and previous care takers and case managers who cared deeply for Jolene. Because the mother was in her mid-90s, (as well as were her sisters), it was going to be difficult to hold the service in a funeral home, so it was planned in the mother’s home, for a small group of about 20 people.

I called Beverley, the sister, and we spent 2 hours on the phone. Beverley told me all about Jolene, and her life, and how her parents had made it their life mission to help not only Jolene, but many other children with Autism. I was amazed, because 50 years ago, Autism was unheard of, and this family made such a difference in the lives of children with Autism. I could have listened to Beverley for hours, and when I was done, and I reflected on our call, I was positive that I could feel Jolene’s spirit. I could almost hear her laugh, and I could feel this family’s pain, as if it were my own.

Sure, I needed this service to be amazing, because I wanted Darren to be so proud of me, but it became much more than that. I needed to honor Jolene, more than anything, because I felt so connected to her, and felt like I had known her all of my life. So, I put my funeral service together, and then, I was so moved, I felt I really needed to write a song about her. Strangely, when Beverley was talking to Darren, and they were speaking about an officiant, she actually mentioned that a woman would be nice, and if he could find someone who played an instrument, who could sing as well, that that would be perfect. (Boy, did Darren find me the PERFECT service)

So, I brought my guitar, my song, and all the love and compassion I had in my heart, and I created a celebration of Jolene’s life, right there, in her mother’s living room. The mother, and the 2 aunts were right there in front of me, and inspired me throughout the whole service. (I want to add – one of those aunts is the mother of someone very famous, whose name I will not mention, because it is completely irrelevant to the subject, but, it just added to that “need to please” feeling I had all around) And then, I sang….

Jolene’s Silent Voice. I wrote a song that would have come from Jolene’s heart, had she been able to express herself. Her family was incredibly moved, but so were her caretakers, all who are very active in the world of Autism. They gave me such amazing feedback, and honor, that I think that I was moved, even more than they were. And so, there, in that living room in Lake Worth, my life changed dramatically. Maybe I realized what I had inside of me, that had been there all along. Maybe now I could thank God for the gift of always being super-sensitive, which I had always considered a curse. I just needed to use it in the right way.

Thank You, Jolene, for the impact you made on my life. Thank You, Beverley, for showing me your appreciation, and Thank You to everyone who was there, who made me feel so special, and so important. I poured out my heart in that room, but left with my heart overflowing with love, and appreciation.

So, below are the words to Jolene’s Silent Voice. I hope to be able to sing this song for others involved in the Autism community. I hope to make a difference to someone, as much as Jolene made a difference to me.