Michigan

All kids need face time

It’s amazing to consider the number of things we know to be true and yet fail so miserably to follow.

We know we need to eat better, but I have yet to hear of a McDonald’s going out of business.

We know we need to exercise, but our Barcaloungers often endure more wear and tear than our tennis shoes.

And, we know that kids of all ages need to spend both quality AND quantity time with their parents. Unfortunately, in our gotta go/gotta do/gotta run culture, they’re just not getting the best of us.

Many make the mistake of believing that it’s what we DO for our kids that makes all the difference. When children are whiny and unappreciative, we’re often quick to defend ourselves and guilt them into submission.

“Look at all I do for you!” we say. “I take you to (soccer, dance, music lessons). I buy you (uniforms, lessons, instruments). Why can’t you just be grateful?”

Certainly, kids need to learn to appreciate all the things we do for them. But if the only time they have with us is when we’re doing something for them instead of being with them, well … it’s not enough.

In fact, all the extracurricular activities in the world won’t mean a darn thing if our children don’t first and foremost believe they have our undivided hearts and attention.

When my kids are whining, fighting or being general pains in the butt, I can almost always trace their behavior back to the fact that I’ve been too stressed, busy or preoccupied for them.

Even mindful parents can get off-track at times.

I’ve been at this parenting thing long enough to know what my kids need from Brad and me. Their needs are simple, really. Simple, but not always easy.

They need us to ask them about their lives. (The question, “How was school?” just doesn’t cut it.) When we probe a little deeper and they answer, they need us to look into their eyes and listen.

They need us to eat dinner as a family every single stinking night without the distraction of the television (we unplugged it a year ago), telephone (we let it ring), radio (I can’t hear my kids’ laughter if they have to compete with Lady Gaga) or cellphones (we won’t let them have them, anyway).

They need us to care enough to learn their favorites. (By the way, this makes for terrific dinner conversation.) When Brad and I can accurately remember what our kids’ favorite colors, foods, seasons, restaurants, animals, desserts and movies are, they believe that we love them enough to know and understand them.

They need us to never confuse time spent together watching a movie with time spent together around a table as we play Monopoly. One demands that we look into a box. The other encourages us to look at one another.

They need us to believe they’re always young enough to be tucked in at night. There’s something magical about the moments after our kids’ heads hit the pillow. This is when they voice their deepest fears and reveal the most startling truths. We need to be listening.

They need us to give them limits. Although they balk when we ration screen time, we firmly believe kids of all ages require techno-free spaces to create, think and be.

I know parents who, out of misguided love for their kids, got their priorities a little mixed up along the way. They believe it’s too late to change.

It’s not. We can all stand to do less and be more. We can talk, laugh and listen. We can set the dinner table, light candles and take out the game board. We can scold less and hold more. We can even limit addictive technologies.

I guarantee that our kids won’t miss a thing if they feel like they’re getting what they need most of all – us.