Brian Thompson: 11 vacation planning tips

It’s that time of year again when I start suffering from a serious case of VOTB: Vacation on the Brain.

Actually, such a thing does exist. I looked up “vacation brain” on Urban Dictionary. It defined it as “the 1-2 days before vacation when you can’t get much work done because your brain is already on vacation.”

Only, I’m more than a month out from my first trip, and I’m already suffering. I’m busy planning. Busy day-dreaming. Busy thinking of some rest and relaxation and … oh, who am I fooling. Vacations are never restful and relaxing! Most of the time you come back more stressed out and exhausted than before you left.

As I research, I keep coming across Web sites with tips and vacation planning advice that is supposed to help make my trips perfect. But they all lack really important stuff. So I’ve put together this list of planning tips for those of you who are also suffering from VOTB:

Understand this: You will over-pack. You will load up a suitcase until the zippers are screaming for mercy. You will take along things you haven’t worn in your life. And when all is said and done, you will totally forget to pack one thing: your underwear. It’s a fact of life. It’s going to happen. Just accept it and add a roll of paper towels and safety pins to your packing list so you can fashion temporary underwear in a pinch.

Don’t get your hopes up about where you’re staying. Get your hopes down. That’s very important. See, today we depend on those tiny, little photos of hotel rooms and attractions that we see on the Internet. They make a place look amazing and beautiful. But remember: a dumpster that hasn’t been emptied in 6 months looks amazing in a tiny, little photo on the Internet. So, instead of thinking you’re going to be staying in luxury, expect that it’s going to look like … well … a dumpster. That way you’re never disappointed with what you get.

Don’t stress over a vacation. No, instead … FREAK OUT! For instance, if you’re on vacation and you get your family lost in a really, really bad area of town, recognize that getting nervous and anxious and slightly tense over it won’t help a bit. No, you have to go totally bonkers! Scream a lot. Throw your hands around in the air like an orangutan on seven cups of coffee. Get so worked up that one of your eyes starts to spasm uncontrollably. No one would ever think to rob you in that state. In fact, bad guys will actually come over and offer you directions out of the area just so you’ll stop scaring off their usual victims.

Yes, vacations are really expensive, and it’s probably not the best idea to splurge and go overboard on your spending. But on the other hand, numerous studies say social security is a wreck, and we’re already failing to save enough for retirement or our kids’ college. So what’s a little more debt when you’re already doomed? Lobster anyone?

Understand that choosing the time in the morning that you leave for vacation is not a simple conversation between you and your significant other. No, it is a negotiation that rivals U.S.-Soviet nuclear talks in the 80s. If you want to leave at 6:30 in the morning, then you better tell everyone 3 a.m. And if you want to leave at 3 a.m., you better tell them you’re leaving a week earlier. Then maybe you’ll get out of the driveway by 6:30.

Make sure you pack an entire suitcase of games and books and toys that you lug around from place to place, but never open the entire trip.

Make sure you do NOT pack that bathing suit of yours with the tear in the unfortunate location. No sense getting arrested for indecent exposure at the hotel pool.

Make sure you DO pack plenty of brightly colored drinks and snacks that crumble and stain so your child can totally destroy the backseat of your car.

Make sure you forget to pay all of your bills before you leave so you can come back to a house that’s been padlocked shut with no electricity, running water, Internet or cable.

Make sure that when you’re booking flights or hotels that you get your dates completely wrong so you arrive a day early and have to endure the embarrassment of being told your family will have to sleep on a park bench for the first night.

And most of all: never, ever, under any circumstances take any tips from a vacation planning advice column.