My wife slept with her colleague but I still love her

TNN | Feb 10, 2017, 01.36 PM IST

Question:
Hello, I have been married for 3 years. My wife and I are working in the IT sector. Ours was an arranged marriage and we both love each other very much. We consider each other friends more than husband and wife. I love her so much that I want to see her happy and her happiness is my topmost priority.

Recently, I noticed my wife calling out a guy's name in her sleep and saw some changes in her behaviour. Since I was suspicious of her behaviour, I tracked her mobile using some spy chat and secret call recording apps and got access to her call log. I got to know that she is having an emotional affair with unmarried guy at work. I monitored her activity for a few days only to find out that she's had sex with the man in question.

I confronted her one day and after denying the affair initially, she confessed to having a sexual relationship with that guy. She also confessed to the fact that she's attracted to him. When I came down heavily on her for getting physical with him, she started crying and promised me that she will not get into any of these things in the future.

I don't know what I should do now. How I should deal with my wife in future. Please help me. -
By Anonymous

Answer by Uthista Thota:
I understand that this is really difficult for you to deal with a calm mind. But, I urge you not to take any harsh decisions at this moment since any decision made whilst emotions are running high might not always be the best ones. When we love someone a lot and they still cheat on us we often start blaming ourselves because we love them too much to blame them. Don't let yourself be put in that position. You need to strengthen yourself right now, not make yourself weaker by asking yourself self-doubting questions like "Is it my fault?", "Did I do something to make this happen?", "Did I treat her badly?".

Typically, cheating happens in relationships that are already dysfunctional or disconnected, and often partners don't even recognize the instability in their relationship. In such relationships, both partners should share responsibility for the relationship being in a less than healthy state. Although, having said that being responsible for the health of your relationship doesn't mean you're responsible for your wife choosing to cheat. Romantic relationships are built on trust, the idea that a partner keeps his or her word and has your best intentions at heart. Your wife's behavior makes it difficult for you to do that.

Firstly, communicating with each other might lead to your wife discussing how and why it happened which might leave room for introspection for the both of you. It can also bring some insight into her behavior and clarity of expectations in your relationship. However, if the real issues are not identified, they are less likely to get resolved.

Secondly, as much as the issue at hand is about you, it would be unfair not to take into account your partners needs and introspect:
- What did they get from this "other" person that they couldn't get from your relationship?
- Who were they with the "other" person?
- When couples have been together a long time, it's hard to reinvent yourself and get your partner to see you as someone 'new'

Exploring ways to help her be able to do this with you will help towards strengthening and building a healthy relationship between the both of you.

Thirdly, discussing about the truth can be painful, but it is necessary when trying to move forward in the relationship. As a couple you need to sit and think about the entire situation, analyze the situation, and answer some very tough questions such as: Do you both want to take the relationship forward? Do you need some space and time to heal? Can you forgive her? Do you want to resolve the issue? Is there a genuine concern expressed by both of you, to try and save the relationship? Or is one side ambivalent about how they feel or confused about what they want to do? If so, how will this ambivalence get resolved?

These tasks require tremendous insight and effective communication skills which a Marital Counselor could offer in a therapy session and make the transition process easier.

Hope this helps you. Stay strong.

- Uthista Thota is a Psychologist with YourDOST

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