The 6 Greatest Things Accomplished by Dead Bodies

#3. Get Elected Mayor

Carl Geary served a minor post in the local government of Tracy City, Tennessee. The incumbent mayor, Barbara Brock, wasn't exactly popular with the people. So when she found herself up against Geary in the 2010 election, things were looking bleak: He was a popular candidate, beloved by the local people for his integrity, straight-talking nature, and ability to have a penis (this is Tennessee here).

Sure enough, the election wasn't even close: When the votes had been counted up, Geary took office with more than three times the total of his rival.

That's despite the fact that Geary had died nearly a month before.

Wait, What?

Determined to kick Brock from office at any expense, the local population saw an ideal way to humiliate one of them uppity women-folk, and maybe bring up some much needed tourist cash with the world's first Zombie Mayor. So they elected a dead man. Despite his highly publicized death, locals continued to vote for Geary in such numbers that the long dead man polled 268 votes to his living and breathing rival's 85.

One local business owner, just to make it clear this wasn't some kind of bureaucratic mix-up, went on record as saying that, yes, he "knew [Geary] was deceased. I know that sounds stupid, but we wanted someone other than her." Displaying the bitchy kind of wit that perhaps endeared her to the local populace so, Brock laconically responded to the humiliating defeat by stating simply: "I'll live."

#2. Throw a Kick-Ass Party

Bredo Morstoel was passionate about two things: the outdoors and being really, really creepy looking.

Jack Skellington?

The former was a large part of the reason he moved from his native Norway to Nederland, Colorado. So it's no surprise when we tell you of his regular participation in a local outdoor festival. He actually started it! Oh, what a time it was: There numerous stalls selling all manner of produce, live music, games for all the family to enjoy and, of course, the opportunity to share a beer with Grandpa Bredo himself.

Or at least, what's left of him.

Wait, What?

Upon dying, Bredo was put on ice and shipped to the Trans Time Cryonics facility in Oakland, CA. Eventually he was moved to "live" with his grandchildren, who hoped to use the opportunity to kick-start a cryonics center of their own. That didn't really take, but the town, embracing the publicity generated by their frozen dead guy, decided to hold an annual festival in his honor, called, accurately enough, Frozen Dead Guy Days.

If the music and shopping aren't enough to satisfy the festival goers, then visitors can also enjoy Coffin Racing, a parade of hearses or, most importantly, the annual party held in Grandpa Bredo's shed, which includes the opportunity to pack ice onto Grandpa himself, accompanied by some "unique and interesting goodies to eat and drink"...straight from his icy fucking tomb.

#1. Become Queen

During the 1300s, Prince Pedro, heir to the throne of Portugal, fell for one of his maids. This was a problem as he was married at the time (the maid worked for his wife, in fact). Well, it comes as no surprise that their dependence on the not-too-reliable "thou art nearly there, then with haste pull thine member out" method of contraception led to the prince fathering several illegitimate children with the maid, Ines De Castro.

But who could resist that sexy, savage, noble, visa- wait, is that a poodle?

When Pedro's wife died and he inherited the throne, Pedro proclaimed the maid as Queen of Portugal, which in itself is not altogether surprising. Well, not until you learn she had actually died five years earlier anyway.

Wait, What?

Pedro's dad, aka the king, wasn't big on his son banging the maid. He did what any devoted and caring father would do: He ordered the death of the woman his son loved. You can imagine how this didn't sit well with Pedro, so after dad died, he declared that he had secretly married Ines when she was alive and retroactively proclaimed her Queen of Portugal. If you're thinking this is just a sweet posthumous honor for his departed lover, keep reading.

Not content with the mere public acknowledgment of her royal stature, Pedro went so far as to exhume Ines' body and actually sit her corpse on a throne while his courtiers were forced to "go down on one knee" and "kiss her hand" in honor of the new queen.

So by all means, bitch about whatever current ruling party you feel like. But always remember this: No matter how badly you think the Obama administration is fucking things up, at least he didn't make you "go down" on his corpse-wife at the inauguration.

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