I’m starting to get the reputation that my best writing comes from things I know nothing about (see my insightful piece on Fashion Week). Which is why, after never reading a word of Harry Potter, or watching a minute of the previous seven movies, I was asked to attend a midnight screening of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2. As you can imagine, I couldn’t wait to see Potter and Frodo finally take down Apollo Creed.

The movie begins with Weird Ghost Dude looking down on an army of what I think might be Muggles. I do know that those things exist in Potterworld, so I’m going to pretend that’s who they were. Then Harry Potter and his friends, who appear to just follow him around to glom on to his wizard magic, find their buddy Short Warts Guy, who decides to help Potter out as they run around casting spells just for the fun of it.

In the meantime, Potter thinks: “I’ve got this whole invisibility thing going on, so I might as well use it every once in a while.” So Potter, Short Warts Guy and the needy friends get all wizardry and sneak past other similarly short guys with warts. There they find Albino Pterodactyl, and they really irk the guy. But instead of fleeing, they decide to ride the thing. Smooth, Potter. Real smooth.

So Potter & Co. ride the dinosaur as he flies around, and they finally jump off into a lake. Somehow they had a change of clothes.

Meanwhile, Potter has also angered Ugly Nose Man. So he gets his Ugly Nose Soldiers together, and they think the best idea is to storm the Potter Castle.

Then Potter … Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz … Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz … Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz … Zzz, oh, sorry. I fell asleep. I mean, come on! It was like 2 am at that point. (The couple next to me was asleep, too.)

Ok, where was I? Right! So then one of Potter’s classmates, who I’ll call Sweater Man, tries to take on Nose Man’s army singlehandedly and thinks it’s a good idea to destroy what appeared to be a completely nice bridge that led to Potter Castle.

After a bunch of sorcerer shenanigans (meaning I might have fallen asleep again), Potter decides: “I’ve had about enough of Ugly Nose Man. First of all, just look at him. Would you want to put up with this guy and his hijinks?” So he meets Nose Man in a dark forest (never a good idea) and Nose Man throws lightning at him. Come on, Potter. Even I saw the lightning shot coming. Potter dies for a while and goes to heaven, where he meets Mr. Wizard from that old kids show on Nickelodeon. He says, “It’s not your time, Potter. Get back down there, and try to get my show back in syndication while you’re at it.”

So Potter wakes up while being carried by Hurley from Lost even though everybody thinks Potter’s dead. But no! Potter’s back! He runs away and prepares for one final battle with Ugly Nose Man.

In the final fight scene, both Potter and Nose Man shoot their lightning at each other and finally, Potter’s lightning is stronger and causes Ugly Nose Man to combust into a million ash pieces. Potter takes Nose Man’s stick, but decides that he likes his stick better, so he breaks it and throws it over a cliff.

Fast forward 19 years, and Potter is sending off his own child to do wizard magic. Let’s just hope if his son gets one of those magic sticks, he won’t break it in two and throw it into the wind.

So that pretty much recaps Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2. After reading that, I understand if you don’t want to go to the theaters now considering you probably feel like you’ve seen it. But if you’re going to see the movie for the first time, I recommend taking this story along with you as a guide. You never know what you’ll miss.