Time for return to reality as school begins

Wednesday

Aug 15, 2012 at 12:10 AM

BOB FITZSIMMONS

WRITING FITZ

The alarm clock screams like a Civil Defense warning siren. You grope for the 'kill button' on that nasty nuisance. Struggling to get up, your mother's voice cheerfully reminds you, "Time to get up honey, first day of school!" Your first thought is, you hate being called cute 50's TV pet names, and secondly, you know it's your first day back to that tax-supported torture chamber. Blindly limp to the shower. As soon as you're done, you realize, no towel. Washclothes do not conceal too much.

Staring at your closet, hmm, what to wear. You rescue a T-shirt that's been on the floor since last April, and it advertises a concert for some band named 'Bleeding Eyeballs'. Good, it still fits. Then, you slip a pair of dungarees that are five sizes too large, and have more holes than a spaghetti strainer. 'A subtle, but uncompromising fashion statement'.

Like a man walking his last mile to the electric chair, you limp to the table. Your dad comments, "What took you so long?" You think, 'I haven't been alive before noon for the last three months, and now I'm expected to react to the alarm like a decathlon champ?" You fail to share that thought, you'll need the car this year.

You slobber through runny eggs, and go to the bus stop. You are the last one there because it's cool. You hear some witless prattle about how great it is to be back in school. You roll your eyes, and hope the school bus gets lost before arriving at your stop. Nope, it gets there, just on time.

The bus ride to school smells like new clothes and perfume. Everybody gets dressed up for the first day, and rapidly deteriorate into something resembling a Bag Lady fashion show.

Homeroom, the easiest class. Nobody has ever failed it, although there were some close calls. "All those present, please raise your hand." You abstain.

You are handed your schedule. To your infinite horror you realize you have been put in all of the classes where the average IQ does not exceed room temperature. "Interesting year, at least I'll catch up on my rest!" More cold water is thrown on your face. Every teacher decides to seat their students in alphabetical order. Your name starts with "A." So, no sleep in the foreseeable future.

The cafeteria, department of cruel and unusual nourishment, where many a gastronomical sacrifice has been unofficially performed, provides you with Welcome Back treat. It looks like some form of meat. You opt for jello and water.

Coming down the home stretch, your afternoon classes breeze. The first day of school is always the easiest, for the students. However, you come home with a full list of revenge on your parents, the ones who make you go to school. "What's on the sheets of paper?" your parents ask. With a Chesire grin, you reply, "Remember all of that money you saved by not buying all that dumb new clothing for me? Better get it, because this is a list of supplies I'll need in two days. You omit the fact that these items are only available in Guam, during typhoon season.

Feeling smug with yourself, you smile and muse, "You know, I think I will really like school this year." Unlike your grades, this feeling shall pass.

Never miss a story

Choose the plan that's right for you.
Digital access or digital and print delivery.