Thursday, September 6, 2012

Live-Blogging The First X-Men #2: All Wolverine, All the Time!

On a lark, I’m live-blogging my reading of artist Neal Adam’s
latest work, “The First X-Men”.Adams is
an artistic legend in the comic book community, but lately some of his work has
been seen as… odd.By some.Yes, that’s a reasonable assessment.So!I’m reading it, and commenting as I go, and my friend Patrick is
replying to my descriptions of what’s happening with no further context, just
for laughs.Last time went better than I
expected, really.The plot was pretty
thin, but mostly not awful.So let’s see
what this week’s issue has in store!

Previously on the Neal Adams X-Men Vanity Project Adventure Hour,
Wolverine and his pal Sabertooth decide to save all the mutants.Good times.They met some girl named Holo who we’ve never heard of before, and then
got told to piss off from a douche Professor Xaiver.Now they’re off to find Magneto to get him to
join their rag tag group!

me: Alright, First X-Men #2

Wolverine has decided to save all
mutants.

Sabertooth decided to help him,
because he's got nothing better to do.

Which is funny, but I'm really
confused with what this image is saying

Patrick: I'm guessing that car
door is just magneto multitasking

me: But aren't Sabertooth and
Magneto on the same side?

(Who can tell, anymore?)

me: The Page 1 Recap has the
most amazing sentence I've read all this week in it, though. “Logan is
surprised when the boy he has just found explodes."

That sentence is hilariously
deadpanned.

Patrick: That's a Joker's boner
if I've ever read one

me: lol

Patrick: But honestly... would
Logan be surprised?

me: People doing crazy shit
around Wolverine is pretty much just a Tuesday afternoon, yeah

We open in Colorado, where some dudes
are hunting down a Wendingo.

And a delightful conversation on the
differences between Bigfoot and yetis ensues.

Know your cryptozoology, kids!

Patrick: I thought Wendigo lived
in Canada

What is he doing all the way down in
Colorado

Or is this a different one

me: Apparently I was wrong to
assume the big, white, scary Wendingo-looking dude was Wendingo.

I guess his name is really
"Yeti".

Can you check Wikipedia to see if this
is an obscure X-Man/Alpha Flighter/whatever, or if Neal Adams is making up more
characters to kkill later?

Patrick: once again getting real
creative with names

“The second Yeti was a member of
Weapon P.R.I.M.E., a covert Canadian superhuman team working for Department K,
the agency responsible for the Weapon X project that created the X-Men
character Wolverine.

Both are depicted as huge white beasts
that resemble the Wendigo”

this sounds like our guy?

me: Sounds like

Holy shit, the creature from the black
lagoon just popped out of nowhere with no explanation!

Patrick: Again, though, why
isn't this comic just set in Canada?

If we're going to use all these Canadians?

me: Oh, Holo just created the
black lagoon monster to scare off the Colorado rednecks. Got it.

Patrick: Good old Holo with her
pop culture references

me: Canada is America's hat,
Patrick. We can use it as we like.

Patrick: and Colorado is
America's little Canada?

me: Sure, why not?

Oh man, Holo is even actually calling
out references in dialogue

"Manphibian"

Is that a real movie?

Patrick: no but it is a
character from Marvel comics

Based on the Black Lagoon creature

me: Ah

Patrick: Of course in Marvel,
it's an alien that arrived on Earth 1000 years ago.,..

And so SHIELD needs to capture it

me: Right, naturally

Patrick: But whatever, moving
right along!

me: Holo inexplicably strikes
Sabertooth

I mention this only because there's no
real reason, and the dialogue doesn't really help to clarify

Yeti is looking for his brother, and
Wolverine and crew opt to help him

No mention is made of Operation: Get
Magneto.

me: Yeti's brother is
named "Ben Goldendawn", which doesn't ring any bells for me, but my
X-trivia is good only up through, like, 1982, then it gets muddled

We're suddenly in Virginia!

Where, um, I guess Wolverine's
tracking nose found Yeti's bro, maybe?

Or something?

But the comic says we're in Quantico
now

Why not?

Stuff explodes, and we find the kid
that Wolverine thought was dead, but wasn't.

I'm still very confused on how we got
here from the Rockys.

Patrick: Quantico? What the hell?

me: Says so on the top of the
page, yep.

Patrick: Boom tubes?

me: Sure, why not

Patrick: This sounds like a
series of random events

And not a story but alright

me: Slpopdin' Kid is joining
them too now, obviously. And now the team's eating sandwiches in Upstate
New York!

Patrick: On the road again!

To Magneto?!

me: Nope

Just eating

Patrick: We all know that
Magneto likes to hang out in central park playing chess

So I was just hoping...

me: Apparently Logan's got a
cozy little place up there

Patrick: He has a place
everywhere

me: True

Just not in Virginia

Or Maryland

Or Delaware

Patrick: Because why would
anyone want to live there

me: The closest safe house he
had was in Upstate New York, clearly

(Well, that's a good point...)

Suddenly, Wolvie leaps to murder Holo!

...To, uh, teach her to fight. I
guess.

(While she's trying to enjoy a chicken
leg.)

Patrick: Maybe he just wants her
chicken?

me: Who knows, she spanks his
ass with her psychic powers

Or illusions

Or whatever

Because it is time for a TRAINING
MONTAGE!

Patrick: We need a montage!

Just like in First Class!

me: During which, everyone's
face looks like monkeys!

Oh, wait, that's just this comic, not
the movie

Jesus, this comic really is just
vamping on First Class pretty hard

Patrick: Maybe THIS is what
Wolverine was doing the whole time!

me: Seriously, there's a seen
with Wolverine and Kid Napalm, and it's just like the one with Havok and
Professor X

Complete with fire extinguishers
putting out the explosions remains

Oh, and he finally gets a codename!

You thought the first two were bad,
but are you ready for this?

It's WAAAAY worse

Patrick: You mean it's not Kid
Napalm?

me: Nope

Patrick: Because I kind of like
that

Is that just what you nicknamed him?

me: I'm pretty clever sometimes,
and his real name is not

No, his name, which an editor had to
okay, is....

Patrick: Stop the suspense!

me: "Bomb"

I swear

Patrick: hooboy

Can we back up

And just pretend this never happened

me: Oh thank evil jesus,
Magneto's finally in this comic

Patrick: This stuff is starting
to make Batman odyssey look sane

me: Well, no giant pterosaurs
yet, but here's hoping

Magneto's still in Argentina,
presumably killin' 'Natzis.

Patrick: There's always a chance
for a savage land field trip!

me: true

Patrick: Oh, so once again
Magneto is in South America

Chasing down those Nazi fugitives

me: yes

Patrick: Just like in that
movie!

Although to be fair... he might have
been in Central America in the movie?

me: No, I'm pretty sure it was
Argentina...

Patrick: how does Neal Adams get
work!

me: So, Wolverine and
Sabertooth, to get Magneto's attention and try to get him to join them, decide
the best way is to kill the Nazi that Mags is looking for off camera, and
announce it to him from a helicopter hovering above him

...That's.... Okay, let's just keep
moving

After everyone's threatened everyone
else, they meet on the ground, and Magneto refers to all mutants as
"freaks" more than once

This is kind of off-putting

Patrick: Magneto is a
self-hating mutant

I guess...

Sounds completely out of character

me: Oh boy, I'll touch on that
in a sec

But can we go back to your question
about all these Canucks in America?

Patrick: Well now they seem to
be in Argentina..

me: Wolverine's talking about
the feds cracking down on mutants

and Magneto immediately knows it's the
USA he's talking about here

And everyone's agreeing that
"American feds taking out all us mutants" is bad

But yeah, they're in Argentina

Wolverine and Sabertooth are Canadians

And Magneto is Eastern European

(his nationality varies slightly
depending on the writer)

So... what's the deal?

Patrick: Yeah but before you
know it, America will be invading other countries, killing mutants

Like they ALWAYS do

Wolverine knows this, because he's
being written by someone from the future

me: ... Well, it IS an X-book

I guess that makes as much sense as
anything

Patrick: Is Wolverine going to
run into the Hulk sometime soon?

I feel like that should be happening
around then

me: We can dream

But now, it is time for a FIGHT SCENE

obviously

Magneto won't join them, and he won't
let them leave until they "agree to abandon your suicidal mission!"

(actual dialogue)

So... fighting

Patrick: So he'll kill them instead!

me: That seems reasonable

Yup!

And this fight scene is in a scrap
yard

Advantage: Magneto

But Holo makes him see scenes of being
a 90 year old man in a Concentration Camp

Patrick: Has it ever occurred to
Magneto that he could just control Wolverine to kill all the X-Men?

me: Well, he can't yet

No metal bones

Patrick: Oh, pre Weapon X... right

Me: Yeah.

Patrick: So Holo knows Magneto’s
back story?

me: I guess?

Patrick: She's seen First Class
too, I can assume

me: Magneto is all like "Well,
uh, I was like 7 then, so clearly that was an illusion, and not really me"

And he goes back to knocking the shit
out of all of them

Then Magneto just kind of leaves

Because he's too good for them

And now, an Undisclosed Location!

It's an evil government one, too!

Hey look, it's a young Bolivar Trask!

His superior is all like "giant
robots? That's stupid!"

Patrick: Well... to be honest...

me: You said it, not me

Patrick: Giant purple robots
designed to kill mutants

me: No, we get another maybe
cameo?

Patrick: Gotta love X-Men books,
always full of those cameos

me: a full page spread of some
gross dude, controlling what I assume is Yeti's brother

The gross dude is named "Lyle
Doorne"

codename "Virus"

(No idea if he's new or not)

And, uh... that's the end

Wow.

Last time wasn't great, but... oy

Patrick: Looks like he's new
from as far as I can tell

Which means he'll die too

me: He's on the cover for next
issue too. Great

This book needs stronger editing

Patrick: I feel like Neal Adams
just does whatever he wants

Without supervision

Someone should check him into a
nursing home already

Or he should just go back to drawing

me: Oy!

For the record, blog readers, Patrick said
put Neil Adams in a nursing home, not me

Please, rabid fans, blame him

Patrick: Hey at least I can appreciate
his artwork

me: True

Patrick: Anyway...

me: .... That being said, way
back in X-Men # early 100s or whenever, when the "New X-Men" first
encounter Magneto, shouldn't he have been "Don't I know you?" to Wolverine?

I mean, I know Logan won't remember
any of this because, hey, mindwipe

Same for Sabertooth

But Mags...

Patrick: I'm just assuming this
is all non canon

me: I suppose that's the sane way
to deal with all this

Anyway, I guess that just about wraps
this up

First X-Men #2: Not a very good
comic.

Patrick: no not at all

but when you're rewriting X-Men
history by making Wolverine the star...

me: Also, Mr. Adams, could you
please slow down just a little? Your are should be much, much prettier
than this

No comments:

Post a Comment

About Me

Genetically modified in the womb by late cold war scientists, he was born with spectacular powers. Now a time traveling oracle and occasional savior of the universe, he continues to fight against oppression and planet destroying demi-gods.
He is-
-The Amazing Justin Palm!