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Down with Movember. (The mustache part, not the good-cause part)

(I feel i have to preface this post again by saying I am not putting down the Movember movement per se. I just want to rant about the mustache part.)

Here we are…just a few short weeks away from the first of November, which also heralds the kick-off for the Movember campaign. If you have lived under a rock in recent years, you may not know that otherwise clean-shaven men attempt to grow a thick, lush mustache to raise awareness for men’s cancers. Their resultant ‘mo’s’ are symbolically shaved off 30 days later.

Let me state for the record that I’m not against mustaches or beards in general; Just on men I have to kiss. Of course, that is really just Birdman.

I have so many reasons that I despise mustaches, but let’s start off with the obvious, it looks bad. It’s like telling the world that you don’t give a shit that your face looks like you are a neanderthal. You can go ahead and trim it, shape it and generally try to mold it into something you can be proud of, but it still looks like ass. It is the facial hair equivalent of wearing Crocs.

Also, it seems to me that some men were just not meant to have a full face of swarthy, masculine hair. Sure, it’s fine for the Tom Selleck types, with their dashing good looks and their devil-may-care attitudes, but for the rest of the men, the job of hair growing should be strictly delegated to the legs, arms and to a lesser degree, the groin. For most men, they are not wearing the beard: The beard is wearing them. Fashion fail.

In the department of TMI, facial hair is also a bit of a sensitive-skin offender. No one loves getting thisclose with 1o days of stubble. Some fellas insist their mustaches only get softer over time, but I ask you this: Would you rather wipe with toilet paper or with sand paper? It’s THAT kind of a difference, brother. I’m just sayin’….

Sadly, Movember will be observed by Birdman, but I will not be privy to see it personally. He will be nether-regions-deep in the pursuit of fast money in the oil patch this November, and I will only see his glorious pursuit of a man-beard via Skype. Although I will be able to see it’s humble beginnings sprout forth into maturity over the interwebs, that puppy will be seeing the business end of a razor before he makes his trek back across the frozen tundra to the cocoon. In one last act of defiance against my beardist tyranny, he will shave it down into new and horrifying versions and take photos to share and horrify me, and most certainly, you.

6 thoughts on “Down with Movember. (The mustache part, not the good-cause part)”

Mrs. Birdman’s continued attacks on the facial hair is extremely distressing to me. Perhaps Mrs. Birdman does not realize that I, as an ugly man, am forced to use facial hair to shield others from my round, flat-faced, pasty white bare-naked visage and as a way of hiding my homely head. Damn you, Mrs. Birdman and your emotionally crippling comments! If I am to make it through this shallow pond of social activity, I have to hide my hideousness the best I can. You are very hurtful and made me upset. It reminds me of that ol’ Hank Williams song There’s A Tear in My Beard. Except, in my case, there are several tears! To hell with you, Missy and your excessively hairy lower back! See, two can play at this game!

I have to agree with the boys on this one. I like my beard.I start growing my “Holiday Beard” every year, just before Thanksgiving, and keep it until just after Easter. I don’t waste any time ttrying to shape it into a “douche bag” beard, just a bit of trimming when it starts to be too long. I love my beard, and since it is a part of me it only goes without saying, to love me, is to love it.

I would not find your beard disrespectful in the least. I actually think you should have an oil wrestling match with my betrothed. The winner gets to shave the other’s beard.(I say this because I’ve wrestled you both, and my money’s on her.

Jay Sharp, I am shocked that you would not realize that you are exempt from all beard-banning activities that I involve myself in. You know I cherish your beard, I actually adore it. It’s fuzzy tickliness makes me feel safe and warm. No sir, your beard may remain as the only example of excellent beard-husbandry I wholeheartedly endorse. If you recall, I have actually sampled that very beard for my own, and feel it made a handsome addition to my facial features. I state, for the record, that you have the most handsome and treasured beard in all the land. Let’s set aside this misunderstanding, and move forward in our future endeavors.

To Birdman’s Bestman….you may keep your wedding day beard. I feel that it would not be you without it. Although I yearn to see your fresh-faced, clean-shaven good looks, I am more than happy to see your fuzzy smile at the end of the aisle. 🙂