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23 April 2012

If Mark Zuckerburg was Zimbabwean

Mark Zuckerberg! This is an open letter to you, and if by
some miracle someone knows someone who knows someone who knows you (six degrees
of separation remember!) then I pray they pass it along the social networking
chain till it lands on your Facebook Homepage.

Ever since I watched the movie, The Social Network, I’ve
envied you. Green is a colour I hate but I have to confess my heart turns a
sickening shade of green when you are mentioned anywhere in my hearing. I mean
you and I share so much and yet we are worlds apart. We both apparently have a
fascination with technology and people, we both studied Computer Science,
though I can smugly say I actually finished my course whereas you didn’t. But
of course to be fair, I have to mention that you are orders of magnitude richer
than I am at the present moment. But in order that I may sleep at night and
just to console myself, I wonder from time to time what would have happened if
you and I had swapped places. Specifically where you would be had you been born
in Zimbabwe all those years ago.

You see Mark, your choice of birthplace has quite a lot to
do with your success. I found myself being awarded a Birth Certificate crowned
with the National Crest of Zimbabwe, whilst you on the other side of the planet
were born to the star spangled banner and from there on your life was on a
roll. Now imagine for a moment, Mark, what would have happened had you been
born here? Well first of all let me tell you, the likelihood of you having a
first name that was actually a verb or an adjective would be infinitely higher.
Probably you might have been called Prosper Zuckerberg, Brilliant Zuckerberg,
or maybe even Delight Zuckerberg. You see, people in my country have this
amazing and as yet unexplained predilection for getting inspiration for their
children’s names within the pages of dictionaries. But that I suppose is me
making mountains out of molehills. Your face would still look good on the cover
of Time Magazine whether your name was Mark or Lovemore.

Priority Zuckerberg just doesn't have the same ring to it does it?

But that begs the question would you have made it to the
cover of Time in the first place? Let us see. If you were Zimbabwean you
probably would have followed basically the same path your life took in the
first two decades of your life: a rather pleasant life (in the beginning), a
strong academic background & your parents encouraging you to take up
Sciences or Engineering courses at the University of Zimbabwe. But there I
think you would hit your first barrier. Let me put it this way; try telling a
Zimbabwean parent that you are dropping out of University to start a website
and they will either (a) Smack you with a sjambok till you can’t walk and you
forget any notion of dropping out (b) Call a meeting of your extended family
and take you out to your rural village to consult with the ancestors as to why
you were straying (c) Take you to a prayer meeting at Word of Life
International to chase the demons out of you. You see it’s not easy being a
Zimbabwean. Now let’s for a moment assume that you were made of stern stuff
Mark and you got through all those obstacles and still quit school, after all
the movie made it seem even the faculty of Harvard couldn’t take you down.

Ok, so now you have started what would become Facebook in
the garage of your best friends’ parents. You are now spending hours coding
away and busily creating the codebase that will hopefully become what Facebook
is today. There you are, you’ve just created the function that dynamically refreshes
status updates in real-time on both the sever and connected clients. You sit
flush with success then wham!! The electricity goes. You see in Zimbabwe, the
Zimbabwe Electricity Supply Authority has a very liberal definition of what the
verb ‘supply’ actually means. We have
suffered rolling blackuts in all major centres for the best part of a decade.
And there goes the 800 lines of code that you spent six weeks creating. I can
hear your Zimbabwean alter ego screaming in frustration from this universe.
Sigh.

The people at ZESA don't quite understand what the verb 'supply' means....

But again, let’s assume you are made of metal Mark. You go
on to create a function that saves all your work as you create it so that power
cuts don’t really bother you. And when push comes to shove, you use the car
battery of your mom’s Datsun to power your laptop. Facebook is growing, but
much more slowly than it did at Harvard because let’s face it, Zimbabweans are
not exactly the most connected people in the world. When the only computer with
internet connection is a paid for one at the local internet café, it is far
much easier not to get addicted to social networking sites. But you are a
genius Mark and you figure out that launching Facebook on mobile is going to
get you further than it would on the PC. Off you go to code a further 10 million
lines of code for the different mobile platforms and you present your product to
the country. Users are excited and Facebook seems to be taking off…but there is
a slight problem. You see Mark, in Zimbabwe, cellphone data coverage is still
more of an art that it is an exact science. Even standing next to a base
station, with your phone fully charged and showing full signal bars, Opera Mini
will still tell you that there is no data connection, please try later. Yes
that scream you hear is the sound of Zimbabwean Mark, clinging to his sanity by
a thread.

But Mark, I have faith in you. You are a genius. After all,
why else would they name you Person of the Year? You figure a way round it by
somehow hacking into Econet’s, Telecel’s and Net-One’s servers and fixing what
seems to have stumped all the engineers who currently work there. Facebook
takes off and is a roaring success, spreading from University to University
like wildfire. The South Africans come and invest US$ 20 million dollars and
before you know it, you are installing servers in basements all over Harare and
Bulawayo. Then one day a ZESA power surge
destroys them all! Okay let’s be kind and assume that would never happen.
Facebook is growing in leaps and bounds; you appear on the cover of the Harare
Herald as the man about to change the face of computing forever. You sit in
your mansion in Borrowdale Brooke, calmly contemplating your bright future,
when you hear an ominous knocking at your solid mahogany door imported from
Lebanon (you see if you were Zimbabwean you would feel the need to include such
details in your daily conversation).

The door opens to reveal a trio of men in black Saville Row
suits and Oakley sunglasses. When they leave three hours later, you are left
staring at the document that as they, painstakingly, explained gives them the
legal right to sift through all the user date in every single one of your
servers for information that could compromise the security of the Zimbabwean
Republic. Yes Mark, if you thought the United States Senate was being difficult
on you for not protecting your user’s data, you have not met the Zimbabwean
government who assume they own all your user’s data. Sigh. But again, you show
yourself to be a man of integrity and morals and you begin what becomes a
titanic battle between your company and the Zimbabwean government at the
African Union’s Human Rights Commission. Let’s assume the African Union is full
of amazing individuals who protect the rights of all Africans and you win your
case. Bazinga! But seriously just
for the sake of it, let’s just assume you win and Facebook shrugs off the
lawsuit and you set your sights on the stars.

Oh Mark. I wish I could tell you it ends well. Your
Zimbabwean alter-ego has so far shown resilience in the face of power cuts,
ingenuity in the face of poor services, moral uprightness in the face of the Secret
Police. Surely this story ends happily? Well, there is the slight problem of
that pesky last name of yours. Zuckerberg. It’s not Zimbabwean enough. I know,
I know, you were born in Zimbabwe but so were a few thousand white farmers who
got chased off their farms. The day will come when your company is served with
papers from the Ministry of Indigenization, notifying you that the Zimbabwean
government is taking over 51% of your shares for the nominal price of US$2.50.
This spooks all your investors who immediately abandon ship and next thing
Google and Yahoo! make a joint buyout which the Zimbabean government, as the
controlling party in your company, approves. Facebook is ‘restructured’ as a
feature of Yahoo! Mail and after a few months, is quietly shelved into oblivion
by Yahoo!

The new indigenized Facebook logo(c) Ministry of Ingenization (Yes we have a Ministry called that!)

Which leaves you where dear Mark/Priority/GodKnows
Zuckerberg? There there. Maybe you will have the sense to move to South Africa
and start Twitter? You see Mark, I am on your side, this entire article
notwithstanding. So whenever you have a bad day Mark, read this article slowly
and carefully, and thank all your ancestors who somehow conspired to make sure
you were born as far away from Zimbabwe as you actually were.

I just followed the link you placed on Twitter. Nicely done, sir! A true reflection of the state of our nation. "Yes that scream you hear is the sound of Zimbabwean Mark, clinging to his sanity by a thread." Lol!

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About Me

Why echoes of my voice? I actually don't know. As to what I am going to write about? I have no idea either. Expect sudden thoughts that erupt from my mind, uncensored and blemished as they are by the harsh bias of my opinion. I apologize in advance if I offend your sensibilities but that's what they are there for, to be offended. Defend them in the comments section (politeness is always welcome) and lets see what we come up with. I'm a normal person who's lived a normal life in a world that persistently refuses to be normal.