I’m not on OkCupid these days looking for a hook-up or a date – but more for friends. So when I put in who I’m looking for, I selected “everyone”. So on my homescreen I will see updates from straight women, gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, just…everybody!

Twice now I’ve messaged women on Okcupid with absolutely no intent of further contact – I just felt compelled to tell them something nice. The first girl was a little bit overweight, gorgeously curvy and came across as confident in her profile and photos. She had some photos up of herelf in outfits looking cute and sassy and proud of her curves and I just had to tell her, girl to girl, that her one outfit was fucking outstanding and she looked great in it. Her simple reply made me smile “Thanks, you so totally made my day!!”. How often do straight women, strangers no less, compliment each other? More often than not we’re likely either silently judging & jealous in our heads or thinking that it’s a great top/bag/shoes but never say it because it might seem weird. I’m the type who wouldn’t say these things to a stranger in person (I’m just too shy) but in this medium it gives me a boost – nobody else around to think “what a weirdo” or no “what a weirdo” look from the person I compliment.

The second woman was today. She recently updated her profile and part of it caught my eye, so I visited. All in all she sounded like someone I would be great friends with (pity she’s not in CT or I would have tried) but it was very obvious by her wording and such that she’d recently had her heart broken and was sick of dealing with idiots who weren’t reading her full profile.

Here’s what I sent her:

So this isn’t your typical OKC message.

Why? Because I’m not hitting on you :P

Sometimes I see profiles of women come across my homescreen because I selected that I’m “interested in everyone” and not entirely in a perverted way, either. And sometimes I see these profiles for women and I want to hug them. Like you. Whatever you’re looking for I sincerely hope you find it because, if your profile is accurate, you sound like a great catch for some lucky guy. I mean that in a non-creepy way, I promise. Don’t ever settle for just some jackass on here, or any jackass anywhere. You’re awesome and will find someone equally awesome.

And I agree….wtf did we do before Google and cell phones…man life was sucky back then, lol.

Have a good day :)

Her reply has ensured that I will be doing this again on occasion whenever I spot a hurting soul hiding behind clever words.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this. I’m having a rough time today (just got out of an engagement a week ago) and your message really made my day.

Have an amazing weekend. =)

I’m so happy that she didn’t take it the wrong way and that I did indeed give her a little much-needed cheerleading. Do you ever spot someone out in public and can see the pain on their face but not want to intrude because they’re a stranger or you’re shy? Yeah, I know I have. But in this skeptical society with an ever-increasing population of rude, ill-mannered people I hesitate. I’m so fuckin empathetic that it’s a curse, sometimes. Last time we were at the vet I saw this woman with her friend/relative outside and she was crying about the prognosis of her cat. I so badly wanted to hug her but I didn’t have “the right words” and I nearly started crying myself just seeing her…..recalling what I must have looked like when we put our last cat down, as I flew out of the vet’s office past people, a sobbing mess.

It’s time to start being kinder to each other. Even if just for 10 seconds with a well-placed compliment or reassurance.

12 Responses to “Not a typical OkCupid message”

I’ve done essentially this – while perusing profiles I saw this gorgeous chubby woman, who was strictly interested in monogamy. I just felt compelled to let her know that while I understand we’re looking for different things (and that I wasn’t trying to hit on her), I think she’s gorgeous and just wanted to let her know. She got back to me a while later saying it made her day, which of course made my day. :-)

Aww, how lovely! I think this is an awesome thing you did. It’s funny, someone was just telling me that whenever they drive over the Bay Bridge they pay the toll of the car behind them. Random acts of kindness are the best.

This is amazing. What a fantastic idea. And even if you can’t do it in person because your shy, you found a way to do it anyway! I make it a point at work to tell people something nice everyday. People are too cruel these days, and I like to think that everyone deserves a nice comment to change the direction of their day. :D

Aw that’s so sweet :) I try to do that as much as possible, I know how much it makes me happy when someone says something nice to me so if someone has on a nice outfit or has a new haircut etc. then I definitely say something! We *do* need to be nicer to each other!

That’s so incredibly sweet. I totally agree that we girls need to be nicer to each other. This reminds me of a challenge I read a few years ago – basically, it challenged us to reach out and compliment other women more, to find something to say something nice about. I’m really shy, so it was insanely hard for the first few weeks. But you’re so right, that joy they feel when they realize some random stranger cares makes it all worth it. It’s amazing what a simple compliment can do.

I am often struck silent when I think of things like this, too, because I am afraid that I will (as I often do) come off as creepy. I admire so many of my bloggy peers and try to let them know (for example, when someone makes an avatar update or shares a picture of themselves on their blog).
Its hard to balance a playful, flirty voice with the deadpan delivery that written text delivers. I worry that as a person that vocally identifies as queer, my compliments will be misinterpreted and not only rejected, but insulting. I suppose that is my own shame projecting, but there we are.

I’m going to take this post to heart and be more open with my compliments, to whomever and wherever I may find myself. I’m going to try harder to find the words that just let someone know, “I think you are great!”~ Yeah, it CAN be hard. And if any of my straight female friends knew that I’m bi, I’m sure they’d mostly misinterpret a compliment as a come-on, when it’s not. A compliment can sometimes just simple be nothing more than what it is. But you know what’s even harder, sometimes? Taking the compliment. Think back to how many women will brush off a compliment with an excuse. I know I do it.

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