The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional
to the distance to any form of cover.

Walking point = sniper bait.

Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching
that day.

If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is
usually a stupid solution.

It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo.

Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running
is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction
by a Med-Evac even if it is, technically, a form of flying.

All or any of the above combined.

The Country Boy's Letter Home

Dear Ma and Pa:

Am well. Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old
Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places
are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till early 6
a.m. ( ! ) but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot
and shine some things --no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix,
wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to Shave, but
it is not bad in warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, am steak, fried eggplant,
pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between
two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till
noon, when you get fed.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If
he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route
march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city
guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice,
but awful flat.

The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the
school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't
bother you none.

This next one will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye near as big as
a chipmonk and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett
boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit
it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son, Zeb

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's
teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good. - Z.

Early Outs

The armed forces found they had too many officers and decided to offer
an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered
for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight
line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what
those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the
top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Colonel, Ex-Firebird Pilot who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of
my penis, to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received.
But the old Colonel insisted and they decided to go along with him providing
the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Colonel to "drop
'em". Which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure
on the tip of the Colonel's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The Colonel calmly replied "in Vietnam."

Air Force Maintenance Issues

Here are some (supposedly) actual maintenance complaints submitted
by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally
leave for maintenance crews to fix before next flight.

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P)

Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S)

Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P)

Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S)

Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P)

#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S)

#2 Propeller seepage normal

(P)

#1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P)

Something loose in cockpit

(S)

Something tightened in cockpit

(P)

Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S)

Evidence removed

(P)

DME volume unbelievably loud

(S)

Volume set to more believable level

(P)

Dead bugs on windshield

(S)

Live bugs on order

(P)

Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent

(S)

Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P)

IFF inoperative

(S)

IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P)

Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S)

That's what they're there for

(P)

Number three engine missing

(S)

Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P)

Aircraft handles funny

(S)

Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right",
and be serious

(P)

Target Radar hums

(S)

Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

Our Unit Cartoon

Cartoon drawn by Danny (Woody) Woodard, an F-Trooper from 67-68.
Choose a size to view a larger image:

Why Helicopter Pilots are Different

The thing is, helicopters are different from planes. An airplane by
it's nature wants to fly, and if not interfered with too strongly by
unusual events or by a deliberately incompetent pilot, it will fly. A
helicopter does not want to fly. It is maintained in the air by a variety
of forces and controls working in opposition to each other, and if there
is any disturbance in this delicate balance the helicopter stops flying;
immediately and disastrously. There is no such thing as a gliding helicopter.

This is why being a helicopter pilot is so different from being an
airplane pilot, and why in generality, airplane pilots are open, clear-eyed,
buoyant extroverts and helicopter pilots are brooding introspective anticipators
of trouble. They know if something bad has not happened it is about to.