jumping into the blogging world - 2 feet first, eyes wide shut!
Mostly I want a medium to talk (to myself or other people) about my addiction to food. I'm about to embark on a journey through Overeaters Anonymous - I also want a way to keep a commentary as I struggle to find the way to a healthier me.

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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

*sigh*

it's raining again. In Seattle. I know - I should be used to it by now. But I'm not. I still hate it. It's grey. And cold. And I'm tired of gray and cold. I want sunshine. I want blue skies and green grass. I feel like 50's TV looked. Shades of gray.
And while it's not the weather's fault - I blame it on the weather. My eating...it's not horrible, but it's not planned and there's WAY too much impulsive (no - let's be honest - COMPULSIVE) eating going on. I'm in a downward spiral - and I feel bad posting that. I want to be proud of my actions, I want to brag about my progress, I want to see the scale and inches go DOWN. I want to inspire.

Instead - I'm admitting weakness and owning up to all of it. I need to make a plan - and stick to it!! I need to look at my goals and get serious. I need to re-read my blog from the beginning and tap into THAT part of me that was going gang busters!

But more than all that - I need to take the first step and DO all that. I feel like I'm out of energy - and that's from not eating well. There's a direct relationship between what (and how) I eat and how I feel. Lately I'm tired and mopey. There are some outside influences - work is a huge stress right now and I have 2 teenagers - but overall, I have a great life! Nothing to complain about.

I just need to snap out of it. And I know that most of you have been there - I see it in the blogs I follow, even some of the women that inspire me the most are struggling right now. What's the trend? How do we break it?

I've got the half marathon coming up - and at this point I've got a new goal: I'm going to run the whole thing. That's my goal. I want to finish in under 3 hours. And I really really really do NOT want to lose my focus after I cross the finish line. I have other races coming up - this is the "big" race but ultimately, I have a bigger goal. My health. And there's no finish line for that one.

Maybe that's what so hard for me? Maybe the idea that I can work hard, eat well, work out, and have a goal in mind. But what happens after that? It's not like I can go back to eating the way I did - it's not like I can go back to couch surfing as my primary activity. This IS my life now - eating healthy and working out. And the thought of that frankly scares me. The old me is more comfortable. It's more familiar. It's EASIER. There. I said it. Not thinking about food and planning exercise IS easier. In the short run.

In the long run there's health problems, physical limitations, searching for long lost self esteem - and that all takes time too! Finding shoes without laces because I can't reach them comfortably, driving around the parking lot until a front row spot opens up, going to the movies during a non-crowded time because then I don't have to worry about bothering the stranger next to me, stopping by 1 (or more) places for food on my way anywhere, planning where to get my next snack, taking on a second job because the budget is tight due to higher food bills, having to shop at the mall for clothes and paying WAY too much because it's the only thing that fits, doctor appointments, naps because of sleep apnea....the list goes on and on.

So what now? Today I re-group again. And I quit beating myself up for re-grouping once a week lately. And I get on with it. I know how to do this. I really really really KNOW how to do this. And now I just DO it.

5 comments:

You are an inspiration because if we only post when things are perfect others don't see how hard this whole journey really is. If we only see the "I lost x pounds" or I exercised like a maniac, it isn't true life. Cheer up. We all go through this. Just hope we don't all end up in the negatives at the same time!

What you wrote is how I lived when I was 345 lbs--the movie theater, driving around , limitation stuff. Now that I've lost down to 228 ish I feel free and great, but still a work in progress. It's also about connecting to my higher power other people and who I want to be--who I really am--what I like to do--what my life means.

I really only want to lose another 30 lbs. At my current rate I'll be 90 when I hit that goal. So I'm changing up everything. I've changed gyms, intensity and exercise, I'm going to start eating a delivery food plan that is lower in calorie/ higher in protein and #'s of meals. Less than 200 lbs would put me at a weight I haven't seen since junior high or high school. I can't imagine anything less. So when I get there I 'm going on a maintenance plan and just be for a while. That seems right for my body though it isn't what "they" say I should weigh.

It seems like you might have lost sight of who you want to be when you grow up. I could be wrong.Just don't be hard on yourself. You are worth it. Start over again and again if you need to.

You sound a beat down. Well I was writing this comment I noticed your numbers to the right and I am watching how wonderful you are doing ! That alone should Here in Georgia we have had NASTY Thunderstorms knocking out power all over the state. Sometime rain makes me feel like it is a chance to refresh and reflect. On what I have stop and realize how happy I am. be all the sunshine you need! Good luck to you. Stopping by to support you.TheMeWithin