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Dave Hakstol excited to really dick around Nolan Patrick or Nico Hischier next season

After the miraculous fall of the ping-pong balls that netted the Philadelphia Flyers the #2 overall draft pick in the 2017 NHL draft, Flyers head coach Dave Hakstol noted his excitement at having a top-notch prospect he could dick around for the entirety of the 2017-2018 season.

The Flyers will likely select either centers Nolan Patrick or Nico Hischier, two sublimely talented young forwards that Hakstol said would “most certainly” be scratched for 40 to 50 games next season in favor of far less talented forwards on the roster.

“Either of these centers would be perfect for this team, I’ll be honest with you. I cannot wait to get my hands on them, really coach them up, and tell them 15 minutes before random games that they’ll be a healthy scratch in favor of Chris VandeVelde. It’s going to be a season to remember,” Hakstol told reporters Thursday morning.

Hakstol cited his handling of Travis Konecny and Shayne Gostisbehere last season, but vowed to be even more erratic with playing time for whichever talented young rookie the Flyers pick in the draft.

“I might even go to the media to threaten to cut them loose from the roster, even if they’re leading the team in goals. God, I can’t wait.”

At press time, Hakstol was planning out a rambling, incoherent defense to the media for his decision to use Pierre-Édouard Bellemare on the power play next year instead of the either Patrick or Hischier.