Hi there – it’s Tuesday and that can only mean one thing; your latest Aspergers article. So with no further pre-amble here it is …

Question

My son is 5 years old with Asperger’s. He really does well with a routine. My husband, his dad, has had to take the night shift at work. We did not have much notice. My son is taking this extremely hard. I always have had time to prepare him for any big changes in our life in the past. How can I help him deal with this abrupt change? This has been one of the biggest challenges I have had to face.

Answer

To begin on a positive note, it’s good that your son does well with a routine. This indicates that you have constructive knowledge of your son’s behavior. You know his range of behavior, how he reacts to various situations, and the type of environment he does well in.

Unfortunately, even the most routine situations do not remain consistent. Sometimes, the changes are planned, such as a job change or a move to a new home. Other times, the changes are abrupt, like your husband’s night shift change at work. Many changes are beyond our control. When these changes occur, they set into motion reactions in the home, especially reactions by Asperger’s children who dread a change in routine terribly.

Parents of Asperger’s children have described their reactions to change as follows:

Anguish – Worry and anxiety over the possible consequences of an event;

Ballistic – Sudden, often violent, reactions to change;

Despair – Remorseful, resigned behavior to a perceived tragedy;

Meltdown – Catastrophic behavior; as if “the world is coming to an end;”

Obsessive – A concentrated focus on the changing event to the exclusion of all else.

The component that drives this behavior is fear. Asperger’s children fear spontaneity and change because they have an inability to understand why change occurs and how to cope with change. To an Aspie child, routine is heaven, change is hell.

One important aspect of this behavior is that unorthodox behavior is not intentional; it results from the person expressing an honest reaction to changes in their environment. Therefore, you need to understand that your son will not immediately understand and accept your husband’s shift change at work. Try explaining the situation to your son slowly and repeatedly, and in simple terms. Tell him that, although your husband’s shift has changed, other situations at home will remain the same. Explain why the shift change took place. In addition, tell him that some routines might change, but others won’t. Encourage him to ask questions in advance of any changes, and answer them in concrete terms so that he has a sense of security before any more changes occur in your home.

Separation Anxiety: A Major Issue

Based on what you have told us in your question, a large part of your son’s problem is due to separation anxiety. This is an issue for all children, regardless of age or medical diagnosis, and it is seen in approximately 4% of the child population.

In the context of your son’s situation, separation anxiety is defined as excessive anxiety about becoming separated from you, your husband, and any siblings that might be in the home. Some of the symptoms seen in separation anxiety are withdrawal, depression, and difficulty concentrating. Children experiencing separation anxiety often exhibit generalized fear, anxiety over the possibility of death, and recurrent nightmares. Granted, all children experience separation anxiety at some point; however, it is more serious in Asperger’s children.

The Treatment of Separation Anxiety

In older children, separation anxiety is treated with psychotherapy and/or medication. As an alternative, doctors recommend relaxation techniques and deep breathing accompanied by homeopathic remedies, which are less harmful to children than prescription medication. You could look into using medication if your son’s symptoms are extremely bad, but, if possible, try to avoid it. Counselling will help if needed.

Ask your husband to spend a period of time with your son before he leaves for work and upon his return. This will help your son adjust to the new routine. Your husband can reassure him that he will return and at what time. He can praise your son for dealing with a difficult situation. Perhaps your husband could call once each evening to reassure your son that he will be home soon. A picture of his father or a personal item of his father’s may also reassure him.

Thanks

Dave Angel

PS – A quick update on the new website. This week I’ve been adding some great videos to the website including several really insightful interviews with young people who have Aspergers explaining how they experience the world. As ever keep your eyes peeled for the announcement of when the site is actually live, complete and ready to go.

Boy, did this ring true, all the way through this lady’s question, I was nodding my head (uh huh)in the pain she is going through now….my husband is now on a 2 week away one week back scenarion adn initially my son was not handling it well…We found that if daddy called him when he got to work for the first couple of weeks, extending the amount of days in between calls, that it worked very well…mainly I think so that the child doesn’t get the feelings of abandonment, and that the relationship between mum and dad hasn’t changed either, just the work situation. We also found that drawing pictures of dad at work in a night situation worked really well. He would then show dad what the drawings meant and this bought out alot of the “nasty” thoughts about night time that Aspies have were allayed this way as well.He was thinking dad would be as much scared of the dark as he was!!!
Also, a guided meditation is good before bed we found…
Hope that helps…stay strong and good luck

I have found the same issues in my now 8yr old (esp with changing classes every year), and have found that keeping a “social story” book is extremely helpful in dealing with changes. We sit together and list the old things that used to happen, and then the new, positives that will take place. By letting my son write them and draw pictures, and letting him keep the book by his bed we’ve seen a dramatic improvement in his behaviour at these times!

I have 2 kids, one 6, the other 10. When they were 2 and 6 their father passed away. My oldest child has Aspergers. He helped me out emotionally at the time. But i found he had a lot of resentment toward his little brother. After almost 4 years since my husband passed away, my oldest still seems to have some resentment towards his little brother. But not as much. Sometimes he says if dad were here he could fix the problem. We all still miss him very much.

this is kinda off subject ….anyway i have a 11 yr old daughter who has aspergers and she has some occupational issues (can tie shoes can’t button buttons that kind of thing) but is very intelligent and her teacher and school staff really expect her to live up to that potential but right now that is impossible (she knows most of the info /answers but has trouble accessing it) and homework is another issue altogether. by the time she gets home (8:45-4:15) she is so frustrated with the thought of school that it is a huge undertaking to get homework started much less done. she also has therapy one behavioral one and one hands on animal therapy, so there goes two nights a week and i have found noone at her school who is willing to even consider that she maybe is having to much expected of her. they say or imply that because she is intelligent enough to do she should. all of this is very frustrating to me and my husband and we are almost at wits end with this school system and would very much like any and all of the advice anyone could give.

Hi,I’m a grandma of a 19year old boy. I’m a pca for Justin,we use to be very close, now when I go over there, he start throwing things and hitting and kicking, his brother is a pca too and he watch him now, everything is good. What should I do to get him to trust me again.We love him so. Grandma Bev

Shannon,
If your daughter has a diagnosis of Aspergers, you should be able to request a referral meeting at her school. They can/should investigate how much support your daughter is actually receiving in school – without which – she would possibly suffer academically. School district’s now also must look at the ‘whole child and school day experience’. Social/emotional, whole language (social skills, expressive and receptive language skills, etc) must all be considered. You may ask for testing/assessment to see if she qualifies for Special Education services. If she is on track academically, her diagnosis may be helpful toward a “504” agreement, complete with accommodations/modifications and OT or Speech services if deemed necessary to assist in her ability to “learn” and function as a student. At the very least, her teacher/s would be in a better position to understand her needs.

I am asuming that your child is on an I.E.P. because with that diagnosis she should qualify. In our state we have a non-profit group that supports parents with situations just like you have expressed. I would search to see what kind of support you can get, they should actually send someone to advocate for you and your daughter in a a meeting to help the teachers understand her situtaion.
Good luck, I feel for you!

I have a 15 year old daughter with several developmental problems including aspergers and all these comments ring so true as do the aids used. But I would like to address my comments to Shannon. My daughter did not have the ability to tie shoe laces button bottons use a knife and fork and it was found through further investigation that she also had dyspraxia an inability to co-ordinate which also affected her eyes and meant she was seeing double all the time after receiving physio and occupational therapy and following several months of eye exercises and being admitted to a special needs school she has come on leaps and bounds she is studying for her gcse in English she gets up and does the readings in church on a Sunday in front of the whole congregation word perfect and now has a great love of reading. It might be worth seeing the optician and occupational and physiotherapist for and assessment. Good luck to you and yours. To all…… there is light at the end of the tunnel its just that for us someone keeps moving it!!!!!!Hang in there.

My 10 year old son was recently diagnosed with asbies, and I have to say finding articles like this one make me feel like I am not alone in my fears and frustrations. We are in the Army, and my husband is in the Infantry. He just got home 8 months ago from a 14 month deployment to Iraq, and is now in the process of getting ready for the next one in Oct. My son has a great deal of anxiety, especially when his dad is deployed. It is very hard to have any kind of consistency with his dad calling, but we did keep a talking picture of him and his dad in his room that he could listen to at any time. I am hoping that getting him into some kind of therapy or counseling will help us with this. Thanks for all the work you are doing to bring parents together.

My son is 14, freshman, and since Christmas break, he has been unable to go back to school. He gets up, gets dressed, gets ready, and is excited. The closer we get to school, the more his demeaner changes. By the time we get to school, 12 miles away, he cannot go inside. He is scared, frighted. It is so bad that he has a headache. He gets angry if we try to talk him into staying, or try to get him articulate what he is afraid of. His paranoia seems to be returning, even though his medicines haven’t changed. However, his fear is the greatest. He can go nowhere without me.

Be happy that you have your spouses there for support whether they are working night shifts, or not. I am a widowed mom of twin 15 year-old “Aspies”. Their dad had Glioblastoma (Brain Cancer, the worst) and passed away on their 8th birthday. How did I explain that to my sons? I really couldn’t because I was deep in grief. But I knew that somehow I must go on because it was all up to me to raise them. Life alone with my twins with Aspergers has not been easy. I have never gotten over my husband’s death, I still miss him terribly. I sent my sons to a weekend grief camp for kids after the funeral. However, both my sons’ behaviors worsened during my husband’s illness, and after his death. At the time I had almost no support system, only a mean mother-in-law who took 9 vacation trips while her son was ill (over the course of 15 months).

I know what you’re talking about. My son’s PDD is the same – he can’t deal with changing routine even though he is very intelligent. He had two weeks off school for winter break but then the first day back, he didn’t get all his homework done before the bus came and he spent two hours melting down over it when he got home. He could have just gotten what was left done in about 20 minutes or so but the fact that he didn’t have game time (Nintendo DS with new cartridges from relatives for Christmas) because of homework, he couldn’t get past it. We helped him with the homework after supper, but most of the two hours he spent mad and stomping feet here in my work room (I telecommute). I spent most of that two hours trying to comfort him and get him from his low function emotional state up to his high function mental state. He’s a lot better with school back in a routine.

This is for Shannon: It sounds like you need a bit of support at your school meetings (called an ARD in Texas, I.E.P.= Individualized Education Plan(in Nevada). The paperwork involved is usually also called an I.E.P. Contact the local Autism support groups for advice. In Nevada, I had support from Nevada P.E.P. (Parents Educating Parents…) and FEAT =Families for Effective Autism Treatment. Also there is The Autism Society. The PEP people actually often would send someone to attend some of my meetings with me (after my husband died)to help with suggestions for making the IEP better for each of my sons. Everything you want for your child has to be agreed upon by the (ARD/IEP) committee and in writing, or they (the school won’t necessarily do what you want. It’s all very political and follows set rules/laws made by state and federal government. It helps to have some kind of knowledge about the whole IEP process. Nevada PEP even had free classes in everything to do with IEPs and advocating for your child. Hope this helps. Good luck.

Shifts are a nightmare. Husband works an 8 day cycle so isn’t around much at weekends. He commuted for a year following relocation. We (myself and 2 children) were mainly on our own, knowing no one in new area. Son had major problems at school. Still talks about his two unsuccessful terms at the local primary before we went private. Would counselling help? He probably had separation anxiety as well. I struggled. Son has now been formally diagnosed as autistic. Father highly possibly Aspergers. I was expecting father to be around one evening when I was busy but he said yes to a night shift call in. Even now cannot understand why I am still upset over the fact that I cannot rely on him and the emotional demands made by my son. Any ideas on the way forward please?

This is for Shannon (#3 above). I can relate to homework/school issues. My son is 11. At home, we have a very structured time and place for homework. Maybe if your daughter knows the exact time and place for homework each day that would help.(ie: our son does homework at 4:00 each day at the dining room table) If it can’t be the same time each day due to therapies, you could make a chart so she would know what time each thing would be happening each day. As far as the school part, does your daughter have an IEP? Our son has one that outlines all the learning support requirements he has and the school has to make sure he gets it all. At one time we had it written in there that he would only be required to do a certain amt. of homework beacause of his Asperger’s and the long school days. Just a few thoughts for you…hope they help! Good luck!

My son is 11, he is suspected Aspergus/ASD – he cannot cope with change, how I deal with it is, he has a “white board” on his bedroom wall, every evening before bed he writes down the next day routine eg; Get up at 7am – breakfast – get dressed – catch bus to school, – home, dinner, bath – bed at 8.30 or 9pm.; At a weekend, he will write the same thing but say where we are going- what shop – what friend is coming etc, this does help him to cope, BUT if I change it slightly, he will panic and say “But you said……” I then have to explain why the change is occuring, maybe several times, until he has it clear in his head, this can take hours for him to except, and it is very frustrating on me and his little sister, who just excepts what ever, she is now 6 and is even beginning to help him through the adjustments,; Whenever I HAVE to take him food shopping he HAS to have a trolley to push and lean on, he “flaps” if he can’t have one, (crying, stamping feet, screwing face up) I try not to take him with me, but with little family support, what can i do???? I am a single parent, (his father JUST doesn’t see his struggles.)

for Shannon: the occupational issues sound like dyspraxia / developmental co-ordination disorder, which have a huge impact on education with planning, organising, sequencing skills and often go along with short term memory problems: maybe you could ask the occupational therapist for advice for school on dealing with these issues?

Oh shannon
I was so relieved to read your post I am having exactly the same problems with my sons secondary school. We are really struggling. I have tried explaining some of the strategies that work. Excellent article by Tony Atwood re homework and Aspergers but they keep banging on about him being independent and wanting me to accept that he can still be naughty!! Although he is at one of the best secondary schools in the borough I am considering moving him as he is so unhappy. Email me if you want to chat, Maybe we can work something out together

Oh i am so glad to find people with the same problems as me! I’m at wits end most of the time. Trying to explain aspergers to other parents and kids is so hard.They see a seemingly normal child and expect her to act the same as their kids.I hear them when my back is turned saying how naughty she is and how asperges is not an excuse! It breaks my heart hearing what people say to her behind my back,she’s 6yrs old.

To Shannon, Ann and others
My 11-year old son is recently diagnosed Aspie – just before Christmas he was told about the diagnosis. Since going back to school he is really struggling to do his school work both in school and at home. He knows he is quite intelligent and almost doesn’t see the point of doing school work that he perceives at not very challenging. Where can we read Tony Attwood’s homework article? Is it on this blog? Indeed is there a good AS parenting forum where we can support each other and share experiences? Our family circumstances are difficult in that we are separated and mother and children now live in a different country from me. I travel to be with the children for a week once a month – but needless to say this doesn’t make it easy to establish a routine for our Aspie son.

My 13 yr old grandson is back with his mum now but still going to the same school about 40 km away. He has a resource teacher there and gets on well with her. She will stay with him for year 9 because of the change of living and being in year 9 means he will have different teachers. I hope all goes well with him and it is good that we have had him diagnosed professionally with Aspergers because some of his teachers feel he is just badly behaved. He has made some friends at school because of his interest in a game called Runescape and they have something in common to discuss. His mum has bought a computer which has helped the situation with his half sisters. The fact that his fther has come into the picture is good as he has time with his father one weekend on and off and half the holidays.

In regards to the original post, explain to your child why daddy has to work night shifts, I find that honesty is always the best way to go with my 8 year old Aspie son. He’s intelligent enough to understand and even at 5 so will yours. In regards to the feedback left re: the IEP, we have these in Scotland too. My son has had them since age 5 and they make all the difference. I attend all of the meetings and get great help and support from the school.

This is for Shannon. My 7 yar old had th same issue. What I did was to get a desk calender and stick-ups. ach appt, school, homework, and activity had a different color stick-up. I placd one upon each day. He knew evryday what was xpctd of him. At the nd of the day, he tore off the stick-ups and ended his day. Also underneath each set of sticky notes was a drawing, stickr, or reward for completing his day. Due to your daughter’s age, you might want to use rewards, such as ice cream, etc. Whatever are favorits of your daughter’s.