Question: I met this guy on a dating app, not long after messaging for a bit, we had each others number and connected on a number of social media accounts. After meeting him for the first time, I was in awe. He was simply perfect. He is 28, doing well for himself, absolutely jaw-droppingly stunning even to the point that it made me uneasy, so kind and such a gentlemen, and we had so much in common. Across a month we saw each other several times and texted and snap chatted non stop from morning till night. Things were looking so great and he always made an effort to see me and arrange dates. I also spent a couple of lovely nights with him at his place. We fooled around a fair bit but never had sex.

I made it clear on a number of occasions that I was not going to have sex with him until I knew that this was headed somewhere more serious. He was totally cool about that and agreed to take things slow. (I catch serious feelings pretty easily when things begin to get physical, even if I hadn’t begun to already..). We had one final night at his place recently. Things got extremely heated and we were very close to going all the way but didn’t. I drove myself home and we agreed to see each other again soon.

The next two days he was unusually quiet and I knew something wasn’t right. I asked to see him again soon and that’s when I got the response I had been dreading. He said he has come to realise we are very different people, doesn’t want me to get hurt, thinks I am wonderful and loves spending time with me as a person but doesn’t want to pursue something serious. I am also too open with my family about my relationships for him apparently.. Maybe things were moving too fast for him, I can’t quite tell. He said I have nothing to be sorry about.

So naturally I am devastated. It was such a sudden 180 I’m still reeling from it. He said we could be friends or even see each other more casually later down the track, but there shouldn’t be anything more serious than that between us. What went so suddenly wrong? Did he get cold feet? Maybe his feelings changed after we got more intimate that last night although things seemed perfectly fine.. Maybe he’s seeing someone else now and needed an excuse? Is there any hope at all for reconciliation down the track if we do begin to see each other again as friends? It might be some time until I can look at him and feel nothing more than friendship. I don’t really know what to think about it all or how to feel…Age: 24

Let’s start with the good:

This guy sounds like a decent human being. He could have gone along with whatever you said, slept with you, then dumped you. He could have promised exclusivity or commitment, slept with you for a few weeks, then dumped. Instead, he gave things a chance and decided you two aren’t right for each other. My guess is he was uncomfortable with you telling your family about him because he didn’t know if he was going to stick around. Again, he could have let you shout from the rooftops you’d met this guy, had sex with you, then faded. He didn’t.

I made it clear on a number of occasions that I was not going to have sex with him until I knew that this was headed somewhere more serious. He was totally cool about that and agreed to take things slow… We had one final night at his place recently. Things got extremely heated and we were very close to going all the way but didn’t.

And there’s your answer. While you might see nothing wrong with stating that you would withold sex until things got more serious, what he heard was, “I’ll sleep with you once you commit to me.” That’s doesn’t sound very romantic, now does it? It kind of sounds like you’re using the promise of sex to get what you want, doesn’t it? That’s a rhetorical question. The answer is yes, yes it does. That’s okay, though, because guys are used to hearing that. In fact, they expect it.

Where they draw the line is when a woman refuses to have sex with them but does everything else but. You see, to most guys, there’s no difference between letting them finger you and letting them fuck you. There is no sliding scale when it comes to your virtue. If the guy is the type to think you’re a slut if you have sex with him “too soon”, he’s also the guy who will think you’re a slut if you give him head or let him go down on you “too soon.” You can’t win with those guys, so don’t bother trying.

You said this guy was near-perfect. Therefore, it stands to reason that he has options, and plenty of them. He doesn’t have to wait around or jump through hoops to prove his character to some girl who refuses to sleep with him until he says he’s her boyfriend. In the future, I would refrain from framing your decision to be chaste as you rewarding the guy with sex if he delivers a promise to be faithful. Instead, say that you prefer to get to know someone better before things get physical. Hold out as long as you like, but be careful not to present sex as a bartering chip.

What I find interesting is that many women want a guy to commit before they even sleep with the guy. You know what that says to me? It says sex doesn’t matter to them. If I’m someone who prioritizes sex or needs a strong sexual cxonnection to a partner before I pledge to be exclusive, that’s going to be a big red flag to me.

What went so suddenly wrong?

Nothing suddenly went wrong. To me, it sounds like he got tired of waiting for you to have sex – especially when you were already engaging in heavy petting – so he left. Simple.

Is there any hope at all for reconciliation down the track if we do begin to see each other again as friends?

Sure, as long you start sleeping with him. If you’re going to pull the same shit, then no. I will repeat, to most guys there’s no difference between a handjob, blowjob, or penetration. It’s all the same to them. You’re not preserving anything by holding out. If anything, you’re doing more harm than good if you’re going to engage in other sex acts but not intercourse. A guy will wait for a woman to be ready if he’s otherwise invested, but not if he feels like he’s being tested.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

Name: Janice:Question: I’m having a little bit of trouble dealing with my boyfriend’s sexual past. A part of me understand’s that I’m being immature and dwelling on something that shouldn’t matter, but at the same time I can’t seem to get this one incident out of my mind.

I was a virgin before I started dating my current boyfriend, and about 6 months into our relationship I felt like I was ready for sex (I was wrong). It wasn’t until then that his past was brought to my attention.

Before we started dating he had a one night stand with a cousin of a very close friend of mine. Though I don’t know her on a personal level we have been around each other several times. He claims it meant nothing and was a one time thing that happened after a night of drinking, and a few weeks after ending a long-term relationship. He said the sex was fueled by alcohol rather than attraction as she is not his type. I have a hard time believing any of this because I don’t see how sex can be meaningless, and I would assume to have sex with someone you just met the attraction or connection must be strong?

How immature am I being? And why shouldn’t something like the sexual past of a partner matter?Age: 23

What you’re going through right now is the exact reason why you don’t ask the person you’re dating about their sexual history. You’re spinning out about something a) you can’t control b) is really none of your business and c) not in any way related to your relationship with this guy.You don’t want to know who he was with before you because you’ll do what you’re doing now and will start comparing yourself to them and the relationship they had with your boyfriend. However you found out about this one-night stand, either cut that person off or stop stalking his social media. Seriously. Backaway from his Instagram page. You’ll drive yourself insane.

Sexual history is irrelevant. Stop listening to people who say that you need to know your partner’s “number.” You don’t. Don’t fall for the BS about how you need to know if they’re an STD infested whore. One partner or one hundred, it doesn’t matter. STD’s can be transmitted anytime two people have sex. All you need to know is someone’s status and when the last time was that they got tested. That’s it. That and practice safe sex.

Let’s nip something else in the bud: the number of partners someone has is not indicative of their self-esteem. If a person sleeps with two hundred people, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re emotionally broken inside. Many people like sex and they like to have it as often as possible. You have to block out the people insisting that you get all the gory details of your partner’s past. Those people are the ones with issues. They’re paranoid, insecure, or don’t trust people. Usually all three. They’re the ones that should give you pause, as their arguments are illogical for reasons I laid out above. Not only that but people lie. That’s the other reason this conversation is pointless. No matter what, you will never know if that person is telling you the truth, so why bother asking in the first place?

He said the sex was fueled by alcohol rather than attraction as she is not his type.

More than likely, he lied to make you feel better because he saw how upset you were. He never should have been put in the position to explain himself in the first place. Why does it matter if he was attracted to a woman before he started dating you? Hon, hate to break it to you, but he’s still going to find other women attractive even while dating you. Either you trust him or you don’t. This is not on him. This is on you.

I don’t see how sex can be meaningless, and I would assume to have sex with someone you just met the attraction or connection must be strong?

Oh, honey. No. Especially if alcohol is involved. People have sex for all different reasons: to feel attractive; because they’re horny; they want revenge, etc. He got drunk and wanted to get laid, so he did. Neither he nor the woman he slept with owe you a god damn thing. You’re feeling insecure about your lack of experience. That’s what has you wound so tight about this. You’re judging him for acting on an impulse you always believed was sacred in some way. It’s not your place to decide how people express their sexuality. Yes, you’re being immature about this, but don’t feel bad. I know forty year-olds who get all fucked up about their partner’s previous sexual partners. Better to get this out of your system now before you grow-up and become someone for whom every relationship is a self-fulfilling prophecy and fails thanks to your doubt and insecurity.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

About a year ago, a writer over at Jezebel wrote an essay entitled “When Can I Say I’ll Be Alone Forever?” The gist of her post was about confronting the possibility she may never find a significant other. It was a brave piece (and you know how much I hate that word) because it spoke something aloud that many of us only whisper: what if it never happens for me? It’s a sobering thought, that you’ll live the rest of your life alone. And I mean alone, not unmarried, not in and out of relationships. Alone. As in just you. A friend an I chatted about this yesterday. He’s newly separated and missing the physical intimacy of a relationship. Not the sex, the physicality and affection. I told him I understood completely.

Loneliness can be and crushesdehabilitating. I think sometimes we develop dead-end crushes and believe in destiny/fate as a coping mechanism. Speaking of coping…

I can’t put into words the pain I am after losing Moon. As sad as it sounds, he was my main source of affection and support. My stress levels are at an all-time high and I have no one that I can turn to that is able to drop whatever they are doing to give me a hug. Just a hug. At night, I crawl under the covers and cry.

I can’t do this anymore. Please don’t let this be it.

It’s grief and depression talking. I know that, but my self-awareness doesn’t lessen the pain. Before Moon died, I was far more comfortable with the possibility that it might be just me. Now? I’m not so sure. I did what many of us do when we’re feeling lonely and returned to the empty well of Tinder and OKCupid. It’s either that or marinate in my loneliness. (Sidenote: they’ve destroyed OKCupid. It’s literally useless at this point.) I got a match on Tinder, but as soon as I saw the notification alerting me to the match, my stomach tightened and a flash of heat shot up my neck and spread across my cheeks. Anxiety. He messages me a few hours later and said, “Incredible figure!” This has now become the standard. I either have to unmatch him and wait to make another match (who will likely say the same exact thing) or pretend I’m not totally grossed out. But at least I’m trying, right?

That question brings me to a follow-up essay written by the previously mentioned author called “I Did Everything You Said And I’m Still Alone.” This time she details all the ways she attempted to “clear the path” to love. This line was a gut-punch:

The only thing that alleviates the ache of solitude is showing up for yourself every day and taking a hand in all the little choices that make up your life. Choosing something good for your mental health, choosing to spend time with people who like you, choosing to smile at yourself in the mirror, choosing to meet up with someone new. Choosing to try made me a better person. It hurt. It was worth it.

Some days it’s hard to show up, isn’t it? We wonder, “What’s the point?” I know that’s what I often tell myself when I notice the stirrings of a crush. I feel fatigued before I’ve lifted a finger. But I fall anyway. Why? Because somewhere deep, deep, DEEP in the recesses of my mind, there’s a tiny shimmering speckle of hope. That’s what keeps me from quitting. As dark as it feels sometimes, that little voice always manages to break through the noise.

Keep going. He’s out there. Just a little while longer.

In those moments, I take a deep breath and shake off the doubt. A smile here, a swipe there. I keep showing up, even when I know the possibility of rejection and ensuing disappointment. I keep showing up. Retreating simply isn’t an option. I’ve come too far to turn back now.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

Question: So I’m 21 years old and I truly haven’t had a true “serious” long term relationship or anything. In highschool, I had my first “love” and “boyfriend” and although we only were exclusive for a short period of time, we remained in eachothers lives for many months and years afterwards, casually dating/ seeing eachother on and off. We genuinely liked eachother but he was always so scared of commitment. Despite his cold feet with me, A few years later, he had a girlfriend for about a year and about 6 months after they broke up, we ended up back in communication. This time, just as friends. But one thing led to another and we ultimately decided to hook up and sleep together for the very first time, despite our long history. Afterwards, we did not acknowledge the event and instead remained casual friends and didn’t really think anything of it. I considered it “getting it out of my system” and officially moving on from it. Well, a year and a half has passed since this moment and now he messaged me the other night to hangout. But his idea of hangout is to hook up again. While we did Not hook up this time, I still feel as though I give him an impression that all I’m interested in is being friends with benefits. He makes comments like he can’t read me, so do you think it’s possible to reverse the “friends with benefits” curse I’ve put upon us and attempt to turn it into something more genuine? Or do you think a guy who wants something genuine will make it clear and take a girl out properly? ThanksAge: 21

You already have an established rapport with this guy, so why not just ask him where things stand? Say exactly what you just said to me. “So, you keep saying I’m hard to read. I guess that’s becuase I’m not sure what we are to each other. Can we talk about that?”

Boom. Done. If you keep going the way you’re going, it’s going to be difficult to reverse course because you’re going to get more and more invested, and as a result, more and more confused. I think many women have the fantasy in their head that their fuck buddy/FWB will wake up one day and realize he’s in love with her. That’s not real life. In real life, the guy casually sleeps with us while pursuing other – more compatible – options. Freinds with benefits are meant to be just that – friends. Nothing more. Trying to morph it into an emotionally committed relationship will only complicate things. Here’s a secret: if someone wanted to date you, they’d be dating you. If someone enjoys your company and likes hanging out with you and thinks the sex is good, they’d pony up and date you officially. If they’re agreeing to friends with benefits, more than likely they know there’s no long-term romantic potential in the relationship.

Or do you think a guy who wants something genuine will make it clear and take a girl out properly?

I think people in general fear rejection. If they’re not getting any signs that the other person wants to date them, they probably won’t say anything. They’ll just go along to get along so as not to ruin the momentum. I don’t know how many men are going to throw down their sword and risk rejection without having at least some inclination that things will work out in their favor.

As for your supposed lack of “real” relationship experience, don’t let that pressure you into trying to make this situation into something it isn’t. You’re 21 years-old. It’s perfectly normal for you not to have a had great love affair yet. You’re still at a point where you can reverse the icky thinking that fucks us all up. Do not continue to tell yourself there’s something wrong with you, because there isn’t. It’s now comm0nplace for people of all ages to have a spotty relationship history. It’s a sign of the times. Finding a last connection has become an insurmountable task for many. We’ve forgotten how to connect in any kind of substantive way. Now it’s all likes and follows and snaps.

If you trule have feelings for this guy, then start the conversation. Be bold, young one. You can do it. But if you’re just trying to get a boyfriend because you feel weird or like the odd man out, don’t say anything. There’s nothing worse than jumping into a relationship just to be in a relationship. That’s not fair to you or to him. Really ask yourself what’s motivating you here, then act.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

Name: Erin:Question: Dear Moxie,I am curious to find out your thoughts on men who wait for sex. Two months ago I met a 32-year old guy, and we have been out on six dates. After date #3, I invited him back to my place to use the hot tub, and I told him I had champagne. He took me up on the offer, but was upfront about how he felt about an invitation to my place. He felt that normally when a girl invites him back to their place, he assumes it’s about sex; however he prefers to get to know someone before sex. I invited him over again after our last date, and he said he wants to slowly get to know me. I don’t know how I should feel about this guy. Some of my friends think he is a catch because he is not pressuring me into sex. I’m questioning if he is worth my time? Thank you.Age: 29

Before we get unpack this, I feel the need to point out that this is your fifth letter to me in the past few months.A couple of letters (this one and your most recent one) were submitted a week apart.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that you value my opinion, but there’s these tiny part of me that wonders if you’re just bored and sending in questions for the fuck all of it. If that’s the case, please don’t. I try to answer as many messages as I can. When I don’t, I end up feeling a little bit guilty and rearrange things so I can write a post. Please don’t waste my time.

Moving on…

What made me stop and do a search of your IP is that this scenario sounds made-up. Then I read all your other letters and, well, let’s just say it tracks. Therefore, I’m torn. This letter could be real. Do I think some men prefer to wait awhile before they have sex? Absolutely. Six dates/two months? Oh, honey. No. He’s either gay, has a girlfriend, or dating you out of boredom/loneliness. Orrrrrr…he won’t sleep with you because he’s not that attracted to you, but he’ll happily let you fellate him. Something about this dude is off. What exactly is off, I’m not sure. Everything about this letter carries a stench of deception. Take that as you will.

Do I think some men prefer to wait awhile before they have sex? Absolutely. Six dates/two months? Oh, honey. No. He’s either gay, has a girlfriend, has some kind of medical issue, or dis ating you out of boredom/loneliness. Orrrrrr…he won’t sleep with you because he’s not that attracted to you, but he’ll happily let you fellate him. Something about this dude is off. What exactly is off, I’m not sure. Everything about this letter carries a stench of deception. Take that as you will.

I am a vocal proponent of having sex whenever you feel like having it. First date, tenth date, whatever your pace is, go with it. The days of being told you’re a slut if you put out on the first date are kind of over. Dating moves so fast now that sex on the first or second date in now considered normal. I see no reason to hold off if the chemistry is right.

Do I think a man or woman will bail if they’re made to wait too long for sex? Yes. I wrote about a man I went out with a few times who never made a move on me, but did do tiny things here and there- like wipe crumbs from my mouth and insist on paying – that made me think he was attracted to me. I gave it three dates.

Three.

After the third, I asked him if sex was ever going to be on the table. He said he’d prefer to be friends.

Buh-bye.

Let me be clear: I didn’t walk away because he wouldn’t put out. I walked away because fuck that noise. You don’t put your fingers near my mouth and insist on paying then play the “I just want to be friends” card. All that said, I enjoyed getting to know him. Had he expressed and attraction, then I would have waited a couple more dates. Anticipation and a deeper connection can make for some great sex. Better than if you sleep together right away? Not necessarily. For some people, it’s there from the beginning.

The guy in this letter (if he exists) is not interested in dating you. Either he’s hiding something (possibly a physical limitation that has him insecure about sex), he’s hedging his bets, or he’s very lukewarm about you. If he’s that unsure after six dates, you can be sure the attraction won’t intensify much. Who wants to date someone who isn’t secretly dying to rip your clothes off?

The most you can do is ask him what’s going on. If he keeps stalling without a really good explanation, then give him a hard pass.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

I have been seeing a guy for 2 months now. He has stated he doesn’t want anything serious, or at least he doesn’t know because he had just broken up with his girlfriend. However, we have been on 4 dates so far, all including sex. I left for a 3 week holiday at some point and he texted me a lot and generally initiated texting since we met.

The thing is he never asked me on a date – he always went around it, asking if I was busy that week etc. He responds immediately to all my texts but for some reason, I get a sense that he is afraid to be bold with me. Like I will reject him or something. We have a good time when we meet and he has never done any booty call or sexting. He likes small talk about everyday stuff etc.

He recently left for vacation for 3 weeks but I was the one initiating texting. I texted him 3 times where we just kept the texting for like 30 min, just exchanging basic news. I know he wants to unwind so I didn’t pressure him into more texting. Last time we texted, he asked if I was around the week he returns and I said yes. I guess this is a hint for a date?

I don’t know if I have very strong feelings for him. I definitely like him and the sex is good too. I know I want something more stable than scarce dates and random communication, and I did continue with him to see what he wants. I thought the whole thing would fall apart after a month since it is unstable, but it didn’t. If anything, I text him and he responds instantly, making me think that he likes me too.

So what is the question? I like him, and I want it to continue or maybe turn it into something more. He has a weird on and off behavior though that makes me think sometimes that he likes me and sometimes not. He definitely needs space. I don’t know what to do because if I stay longer I will develop feelings.

Any advice or people with similar experience?Thanks!Age: 27

Here’s the first thing you need to accept: you’ve already developed feelings for him. Enough with this “I caught feelings” bullshit. Sure, it sounds adorable, but it’s a delusion manufactured by women who lie to themselves about their ability to engage in casual sex.

Second, it sounds to me like things are progressing at a fairly normal pace. It’s been roughly a month (give or take the weeks you were away) and you’ve seen him four times. He’s been upfront about not wanting anything serious. I’m not sure what more you’re expecting here. You’re doing all kinds of head-hopping trying to determine why he doesn’t explicitly ask you out to your liking instead of acknowledging that he’s asking you out at all. He doesn’t want a serious relationship right now. He’s been explicit about that. You’re ignoring what he’s told you, instead focusing on little things like the fact that he replies to your texts quickly and deciding he must be afraid of his feelings or some other such nonsense.

You’re reading too much into his behavior. His replying quickly might not have anything to do with you. Maybe that’s his typical response time. You want it to mean something more because you want more than he can give.

The reason you’re so confused is because you’re in denial. He’s explained to you what he can offer. Rather than backing away because your intentions and his don’t align, you’re moving forward while expecting him to eventually change his mind. He very well might, but he’s going to do it on his terms, not yours.

What’s the point of wanting men to be honest if we’re not going to believe them?

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

Name: John Question: My divorce was finalized 12 months ago and now I am online dating for a couple of months. I am not looking for a casual hookup but something with LTR potential. Here is a scenario that happened with a woman I met.

She is 45, divorced and has 2 preteen kids. She lives about 30 minutes from me. She drives and has her own car. She doesn’t work since she is home all day and doing errands, taking kids places, etc. I didn’t directly ask her how she supports herself, house and 2 kids but she is clearly not working and I get the impression she hasn’t in some time. She never mentioned anything about being laid off and she didnt mention anything about money being tight. So maybe she has income from other sources but it is something I am curious about. But after 1 date, I didnt think it was appropriate to ask her about this.

Our first date we met for a drink and it ended with a good makeout session. It was a 4 hour date. On date #2 I went to her place to pick her up and we went to lunch. I had to be at work by 4pm hence, the lunch date.Her kids were at day camp. After lunch we went back to her place and she was all over me and wanted sex. I didnt have a condom so I didnt, but the fact I had to get back to work provided the perfect way out. It just seemed too soon to jump into bed anyways.

She said we would do it the next next night which was a Friday night (and presumably I would be condom ready). But then she said that she wanted me to drive to her and pick her up, drive back to my place, have dinner and sex and then drive her back to her place and then for me to come home. WHen I asked if it would be possible for her to just drive to me, she said the guy should always pick up the girl. I lost all interest in seeing her. I dont even know her that well to the point that I dont even know what she does for a living so having sex seems like it is too soon for me.

It seems to me like she is looking for something casual. Since I am not, the ridiculous driving I had to do and not even knowing something as basic as to how she makes a living, made it seem too casual for what I am looking for.

I could have kept my mouth shut, do the roundtrip commute twice and had sex, but I felt like I was going through hoops. My best friend said I was nuts to pass up surefire sex on account of not wanting to jump through those hoops. So I am asking you to break this down for me. Maybe I am just not ready to be intimate with someone? Or is this a case of me just being picky?

I didn’t directly ask her how she supports herself, house and 2 kids

So maybe she has income from other sources but it is something I am curious about.

You know how she supports herself. Alimony. And? How is this in any way atypical for a divorced woman in your age range with children? What if she inherited money? Maybe she’s in the Mob. As long as she doesn’t try to leech off of you, I don’t see why this matters. You’re analyzing the innocuous things that ultimately don’t matter unless you plan on marrying her and merging your finances. The idea of a woman living off alimony really gets under men’s skin, doesn’t it? To some degree I get it, but it’s important to remember that women didn’t make invent divorce laws. And I swear to God, if anybody peeps up about how divorce laws and courts are biased in favor of women, I’ll lose it. Ask a woman whose been raped or who reported a man for domestic abuse how the courts treated her, then bitch to me. Stop cherry-picking. The whole system is flawed.

After lunch we went back to her place and she was all over me and wanted sex. I didnt have a condom so I didnt, but the fact I had to get back to work provided the perfect way out. It just seemed too soon to jump into bed anyways.

I don’t think you chose not to have sex because it seemed “too soon” or because you didn’t have a condom. Please. There’s a Duane Reade or CVS on every corner. If you wanted to have sex with her, you would have. Don’t use a lack of a condom as the excuse, because that’s bogus.

You didn’t have sex with her because you were intimidated in some way. This wasn’t about catching The AIDS or fearing that you’ll be overpowered and chopped up and put into a box under her bed. Her assertiveness as well as her casual attitude towards the sex is what threw you. Citing a lack of a condom and the “too soon” excuse is what people say because it sounds discerning and reasonable. The condom issue had nothing to do with it.

But then she said that she wanted me to drive to her and pick her up, drive back to my place, have dinner and sex and then drive her back to her place and then for me to come home.WHen I asked if it would be possible for her to just drive to me, she said the guy should always pick up the girl. I lost all interest in seeing her.

Christ, I hate the both of you so hard right now. You, for judging her. Her, for making an unreasonable demand. She wants you to pick her up and drive her back because she wants to see just how far you’re willing to go for her, both literally and figuratively. She, like you, is justifying the sex. She needs you to “treat her like a lady” so she can screw with wild abandon. You could debate her on this and say it’s silly and needless. It won’t get you anywhere. You’re both struggling to adapt to a world where men are no longer (ugh) “the gatekeepers of commitment.” Now I hate myself for saying that.

So I am asking you to break this down for me. Maybe I am just not ready to be intimate with someone? Or is this a case of me just being picky?

I don’t know that I’d call your attitude towards this woman “picky.” Judgemental, maybe, but not picky. You liked her enough to go out with her again and went back to her home for a continuation of your previous make-out session. It’s as if you were ready to go until she turned things up to eleven. I don’t know that it’s dating in and of itself you’re not ready for just yet. More likely, it’s that you’re not comfortable with how women have changed. You don’t like not being in control.

More specifically, you don’t like sharing control with women. If you want to date in an age where feminism is now mainstream, you’re going to need to buckle up and let go of the reigns a bit. You’ll also need to dust off those sexist ideas you have about women’s sexuality and what they should and shouldn’t do. The tighter you hold on to those chauvinistic ideas the harder dating is going to be for you.

Name: DComment: I’ve been seeing a woman (let’s call her Jean) for the past month or so. We get together 2-3 times per week, and we’ve been having sex since our third date. I think there’s long-term potential, but I’m not ready to be exclusive yet. In the meantime, I’ve also been dating other women, though none of them have led to sex.

Last night Jean &amp; I had a conversation about expectations. I have a long-distance FWB who comes to town about once every 5-6 weeks. She’s due in town again in mid-October. I had told Jean about her previously and said we have an agreement that if one of use finds someone we want to be exclusive with, we’ll stop hooking up. (This is 100% true. As it happens, I told the FWB just a couple days ago that there’s a good chance I’ll have to invoke that rule soon.)

Jean told me that she’s not asking for exclusivity, but she doesn’t want me to have sex with anyone else as long as she and I are having sex. So that means no seeing the FWB, which she specifically asked about. She said she was not asking for exclusivity, but that this particular case was a deal breaker.

I’m fine with that, but I’m not ready to be exclusive, and there’s a non-zero chance that I’ll have sex with some of the other women I’ve been seeing.

My question is, what’s my obligation here? Should Jean &amp; I stop having sex for a while? Or do I only do that after I have sex with someone else?

I don’t lie, but I don’t necessarily volunteer everything. Jean hasn’t asked about any other dates I’ve been on, but since she pointedly did *not* ask for exclusivity, she’s at least theoretically aware I’m seeing other people.

Jean told me that she’s not asking for exclusivity, but she doesn’t want me to have sex with anyone else as long as she and I are having sex. So that means no seeing the FWB, which she specifically asked about. She said she was not asking for exclusivity, but that this particular case was a deal breaker.

Asking you not to see or sleep with your FWB is most definitely asking for exclusivity. She’s just using the back door entrance. I’m sure she believes she’s not trying to pressure you, but she is.

I had told Jean about her previously and said we have an agreement that if one of use finds someone we want to be exclusive with, we’ll stop hooking up.

This is why you don’t talk in any kind of detail about your extra curricular pre-exclusivity activities. You were honest. Foolishly honest. And now she’s using it against you in order to force your hand and commit.

My question is, what’s my obligation here? Should Jean &amp; I stop having sex for a while? Or do I only do that after I have sex with someone else?

You’re not obligated to her unless you agree to give her what she wants. At that point you’re locked in. If you give in on this, she’s just going to continue to put down these demands. I mean, really? She doesn’t even want you seeing your FWB? I mean, I completely understand why she’s uncomfortable with it. But she’s not your girlfriend. You’ve only been dating a month. She’s dictating not only who you have sex with but who you hang out with. Give in on this and you’ll never be able to re-gain any ground. I guarantee you that if you had been even more honest and told her outright that you’re actively dating other people, she’d have laid down an edict against that as well.

My advice is to make it clear to Jean that exclusivity is not on the table yet and that it won’t be until you’re both ready for it. If she bails, then you dodged a bullet.

Call her bluff. Tell her that, since you’re not ready to be exclusive, that you think it’s best that you and she stop having sex since you know she’s not comfortable with that. Basically, she’s using sex as a bartering chip in order to get what she wants. Two can play that game. So tell her you understand her concerns and you feel it’s best that you and she table the sex until you’re both ready to commit. Then see what she says. She’s going to get upset, of course, because what you’d actually be telling her – you know, in a back door kind of way – is that you’re sleeping with other people. Or at least want to. What she’ll really be pissed about is that her trick didn’t work.

If she’s smart she’ll say, “Okay. No problem. In fact, I agree.” Or she’ll say that you and she can continue sleeping together but she doesn’t want to know what you’re doing when not with her and that you have to use condoms. She’ll probably ask you to still tell her if you’re sleeping with anyone else. If that’s what she says she wants, then give it to her. ( Though she really doesn’t want to know. That’s another false sense of security check point that pretty much always backfires.) Then she’ll drop the subject, keep her own options open, and either you two will become exclusive naturally or she’ll find a guy who will give her what she wants and you’ll get out of a potentially tense and unhealthy situation. Or she’ll take her toys and leave the sandbox. Win/win all around if you ask me.

The thing is, just because she tried this approach doesn’t necessarily mean she wouldn’t be a great partner. She feels threatened because she likes you. That’s a good thing. Sometimes we let our insecurities rule us. It happens to the best of us. But if she tries to push or force something before you’re ready, then she’s demonstrating to you that your needs and feelings aren’t terribly important to her. That’s a bad thing.

Thoughts?

]]>http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/08/14/never-try-to-trick-men-into-being-exclusive/feed/29Is She Too Sexy To Get a Guy To Commit?http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/08/10/is-she-too-sexy-to-get-a-guy-to-commit/
http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/08/10/is-she-too-sexy-to-get-a-guy-to-commit/#commentsThu, 10 Aug 2017 15:57:30 +0000http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/?p=109093

Name: ChristyeComment: 43, single white female. 5’5″, 180, big chest and behind. Blue eyes, long black hair. Attractive. Smart.Confident. So I have been single for about ten years. Date but nothing that has even come close to looking like a relationship or even the possibility of becoming one. Almost seems I’m the girl before they find their ‘forever after’. Attractive but not gorgeous, good mom but not baby momma potential, nice but not wifey material, smart but not smart enough?? I always thought there were booty calls or long-term possibilities. But is there that middle woman? Or is it possible that I’m dating outside my league when it comes to the men I go after? I do tend to be picky in regards to education, looks, etc.Age: 43City: GilbertState: AZ

I’m sure some of the men will hop on your body type and say that plays a part in your experience. Which it does, but not to the extent those guys think. You and I sound like we’re similarly built, though I’m a few inches taller. We are not everybody’s cup of tea. But we do have an audience. Of course, we had a wider one at 33 than we did at 43. That’s just how it goes. Also complicating things is that it’s possible you’re giving off a fuck me vibe that men are misinterpreting. Listen, some women and men just exude sex appeal. It’s not something they can control, but it is something that gets used against them. Why? Because a lot of peop0le project their insecurities onto them and assume they’re screwing or dating a bunch of other people. That said, it’s not up to you to change your presentation. 9Unless you want to, of course.) It’s up to other people to get a grip. If someone is going to be threatened by your sexiness or attractiveness, they’re not for you.

It’s fine to be selective about certain criteria as long as you can afford to be. If you’re picky about looks then you need to be honest with yourself about what you can reasonably pull. I’ve said it a thousand times and I’ll say it again: the people who find themselves constantly having to chase people are usually the ones batting out of their league. So if you often find yourself wondering if a guy is interested or just after sex or having to always make the first move, then you’re officially fighting out of your weight class. People rarely succeed that way.

The next issue that sticks out to me is that it sounds like guys are dating you briefly and then moving on to someone to whom they commit. If that happens a lot, or has happened frequently, then that’s something to examine. You say you’re not wifey material, but what does that mean? Are you girlfriend material? That’s the middle ground you seek. That’s what you have to ask yourself. Are men seeing you as girlfriend material? Or are you presenting yourself as something else, consciously or unconsciously? If you’re giving guys the impression that you’re open to something casual but aren’t, or only interested in sex, or otherwise coming off too nonchalant about dating, then they’re going to develop a certain impression. Those aren’t the women guys commit to. Those are the women guys date for a time and then move on from eventually. You become a pit stop.

I state very clearly in my profiles on OKCupid, Bumble, and Tinder that I am not on the marriage or baby track. I also check of the “doesn’t want any” option when it comes to kids. To a lot of men, I’m perceived as not looking for anything serious. That wasn’t my intention when I constructed my profile, but that’s the impression some men may get nonetheless. Complicating matters is that I give off a sexy vibe simply because of my body type and photos. I don’t have a problem showing off my body. I know that a lot of men will view my profile and assume I’m just looking for something casual. This is why I’m probably not considered “wife/girlfriend material.” But, see, I know this. I am aware of this. A lot of men and women really truly are not cognizant of the fact that they present themselves in a way that might not be very appealing to their target market. Furthermore, they don’t actually know what their target market is. If you continuously get traded-in, it’s quite possible men think you’re not looking to settle down.

I always thought there were booty calls or long-term possibilities. But is there that middle woman?

Yes. She’s the woman you described in your letter, the woman you say you’re frequently mistaken for. Do you not realize that? It sounds like you’re ambivalent about serious commitment but still confused and maybe a little bit hurt when guys move on from you and find someone and get serious with them. Those two things don’t align.

Your objective is to decide what it is that you actually want and make sure your behavior and presentation is aligned with that goal. Do you want a relationship? Then you need to act like it. It means you have to make it clear – both online and off – that you are open to developing something substantive. It means not serial dating or going out with multiple guys a week. It means being available and open, not aloof. It requires devoting time and effort to one or two qualified candidates and seeing where things go.

If you’re looking for something short term, well, then I would say keep doing what you’re doing.

Name: Anonymous | | Location: Pittsburgh , PA |Question: My ex-boyfriend and I dated for about 7 months (the last 3 months of it, we were exclusive). I am the one who broke it off. This is why: one day, when I went to watch TV at his apartment (which is hooked to his computer), I found it open to a swingers site. He was not logged in, but it had his username and a saved password in the login area. I did not log in (though I was tempted). I just closed the page.

He also had a second tab open to a local adult “playground” site. and it was open to a page showing that he’d recently communicated with someone. (They emailed back and forth). This time, I did look at the history, and saw this was the only person he had communicated with, and that he had initiated the conversation.

He told me he was afraid to tell me because he thought I’d dump him as soon as I found out he was ever a swinger. He said that he decided to “leave the lifestyle” about three months into our relationship, right before I left for a one month trip [So out of the total 7 months, we were apart for one month, during which we kept in touch long-distance; then became exclusive once I got back]. He said that he slept with someone else (one of his old girl friends who is also a swinger) soon after I got back, and he said he got back on the websites soon after I got back (not before, while I was gone) as well. In the meantime, we were seeing each other all the time. We became exclusive soon after.

I told him that had he been truthful, I would have been open to at the very least checking out a swingers event or party, to see what it was like, and then figuring things out from there. He seemed genuinely remorseful when things ended, and wanted to keep dating. He says he didn’t sleep with anyone he had been communicating with after we became exclusive, but I don’t know whether to believe that or not. That said, I broke up with him for lying to me, and also because I found it disrespectful that he was initiating contact with other women for sex behind my back, when we were supposed to be seeing each other exclusively (which he had claimed to be happy about).

We have not seen each other since [I needed time apart], but have stayed “friends” and communicate regularly over email. (At first by phone as well, but I ended that so I could get over him faster). That said, I would appreciate if you would please discuss why he would go back into “the lifestyle” AFTER becoming exclusive with me and telling me he missed me so much while I was gone. Also, should I have tried to work things through with him? Thanks. |Age: 28

I have to admit to being a bit turned around here, so please correct me if I get anything wrong.

I’m not sure where he lied to you. Are you referring to the fact that he didn’t tell you about his interest in swinging? I’m not sure he’s really obligated to do that. Just like you’re not obligated to tell him how many men you’ve slept with or whether or not you’ve been with a woman or had a threeway. Regardless of the logistics sexual history and proclivities really aren’t our business and up to our lovers to share.

I found it disrespectful that he was initiating contact with other women for sex behind my back, when we were supposed to be seeing each other exclusively (which he had claimed to be happy about).

This right here? This is where you’re 100% justified. If you’re exclusive and he’s trying to organize or set up sex with someone else, he’s wrong.

That said, I would appreciate if you would please discuss why he would go back into “the lifestyle” AFTER becoming exclusive with me and telling me he missed me so much while I was gone.

This one is simple. He didn’t really want to be exclusive. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you or didn’t really miss you. It just means he wants to have multiple sexual partners. And he wouldn’t be the first man or woman to want that. Nor does that desire make him (or her) bad or wrong. Monogamy isn’t for everyone, and there’s a debate as to whether humans are capable of it. Personally, I don’t think we are. I think the only reason we use monogamy as the “typical” or “normal” outlier if an exclusive relationship is because society tells us we should. This guy tried to “go straight” for you and failed. Obviously, monogamy isn’t for him. Which is fine, but it’s not okay that he broke your trust.

You obviously still have some lingering feelings. So I guess what you really need to do is figure out what you want. Do you want to be with him? Can you forgive him and put this instance of his dishonesty in the past and start with a clean slate? The real question is, could you get past and work with his desire to have sex with other women? Because that would have to be part of the equation, lest he slip again.

I know people will tell you to ditch him and find a man who won’t cheat. But what’s worse…a partner who secretly wants to cheat because they feel dissatisfied or just get an urge for something new..or a partner that actually cheats? Aren’t both equally destructive to a relationship?

I think anybody – male or female – would be hard pressed to find someone who is content with the idea of having the same sexual partner for an indefinite and extended amount of time. In my mind, this is another thing that is tripping up so many people and preventing them from developing a relationship with someone else. The concept of and uses for commitment and monogamy are so vastly different now, and they’re in a continuous state of change. It’s getting harder and harder to keep up. Can you broaden your definitions? It’s possible that two people can find those sexual work-arounds, too. But both scenarios involve open communication and an honest look at why you may not be willing to fulfill such needs.

There one more thing to keep in mind: I don’t think people understand that someone can love you but still have sex with someone else. People in open relationships do it all the time. Sometimes I think they have the right idea: one person to love and a variety to fuck. But is it that simple? I don’t know. I do think that if we could get past the need to sexual exclusivity finding a committed relationship wouldn’t be so difficult these days. With so many options out there and so many platforms that give us access to these options, it’s become exponentially harder to resist temptation. I just don’t know if traditional monogamy exists anymore or if it even should.