Wednesday, October 31, 2012

As I was going back to work from a break, a man carrying his daughter strode past me. The little girl was in her cute little fairy outfit for the Halloween spirit, but different from her happy costume, she was crying. The girl leaned her cheek on her father's shoulder, would silently cry a little, and tried to persuade her dad about something, only to end up sobbing more than before. After spending a few quiet moments, tears welled up in her eyes as she tried to once again talk to her father to change his mind. The father patiently said a resolute no, which made the little fairy hopelessly weep in defeat.

I learned that the little girl wanted a Barbie doll so badly that she was tearfully imploring her father to give her one. She was muttering that her old doll was already broken and ugly. The mother, who was trailing a little behind the pair, calmly told her daughter that she should stop crying because the doll was not for sale, so whatever they did, they could not get it for her. Those words only made the little girl cry even more. She didn't care if other people saw her crying, probably because she wanted the doll so badly.

As I turned right and parted ways with the family, I thought to myself how simple children were. They like the smallest of things, and if they did not get what they wanted, they could simply cry. They could complain, whine, and cry all they want, without anyone being far too concerned. Being an adult, I thought looking at things like that was unfair, since children were innocent to the bigger things in life. Children do not put too much value on their emotions as much as adults do. They do not dream and aspire things the way like we do. They usually just look at the present, unlike adults who look years into the future.

With all the feelings jarred up inside me, I envied the little girl of her privilege of cry. I was jealous as she was able to cry her heart out, and that people were there to console her. As control slowly slipped my grasp, I yelled to myself that I wanted to wail my lungs out, tearfully asking for a reason why I cannot have the little piece of happiness I desired.

As I pressed the call button of the elevator, a tiny but important thought entered my mind: maybe that little piece of happiness I wanted so badly isn't what I wanted after all. Maybe it was something to appease the desires of the present to rid of the past, just like the little girl and her doll.

Still unsure, the doors of the elevator slid open and I stepped out. I asked myself when I lost the childlike innocence I witnessed in the girl. But after some second's pause, I told myself I wasn't worried, because I knew whatever happened in my life, I would be able to pull through, no matter what.

Monday, October 15, 2012

I have a rather tough problem with a friend of mine now. I was so stressed out that I implored for divine intervention: I felt a cowardly feeling overcome me, so I asked God to give me a sign: I asked Him to give me a certain dream in order to let me know what I'm doing is right, and He did.

Having received the sign I asked, I stood with my decision, only for something really bad to happen in the few days that followed. I thought to myself why things had to be that way, but in the end, I accepted it and reasoned out that it was a lesson I needed to learn the hard way. In the verge of giving up, I received a text message from my friend that reassured me everything would be fine, at least for now.

At the end of everything, I learned that having faith isn't something you only do when pinned down and cornered. Deep inside, I asked for help because I wanted something or somebody to blame when things went horribly unwell. That was wrong. Faith requires an enormous amount of courage and will, as it is finding a solid sense of security in a whole lot of fear and uncertainty.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Last night after hitting the gym, a bud of mine and I went to a nearby joint to eat. I asked my friend on how his date went, since the day before, he had miryenda with the girl he wanted to get to know. He told me that he liked the girl better, since he thought that they complemented each other -- him being quiet and cool, while the girl being the talkative and cheerful one.

His problem was that the girl's ex was a good friend of his, and was working in the same company as we (and the girl) do. He thought that it would be awkward if it happens that something more than friends develop between him and the girl he liked. I told him that he shouldn't mind that now, since he was still just in the getting-to-know-you part of things. He should worry that in the future, when things really develop into something else. Plus that time, I added, the guy would have probably moved on from his relationship with the girl.

I asked him if he's really alright with the girl being an officemate of ours. He said that it was just fine, since he's primarily focused on his tasks at hand when he's at work. He asked me why, and I told him that for me, "missing time" was important. I shared a little about my previous relationship, and that a mistake I did that made things worse was when I let my boyfriend (girlfriend: I'm not out at work) live with me and my family. Things just got out of hand. I personally grew tired of seeing him each and every day that passed, until came a time when we found ourselves in a very physical fight that I had to call it quits. Everything that was happening during the time was no longer healthy for both of us, and letting go was the best decision, I thought.

As we left, I said sorry since I felt that I sounded so bitter of what remained of my previous relationship. I told him that yes, I was bitter in a way, but I was more disappointed than resentful. I told him I was disappointed because my ex chose to bring himself down to a miserable and pitiful state. He asked me if my ex and I were still friends. My reply was no, because I felt I can no longer trust him ever again. He broke my trust way too many times that I felt he no longer deserved the trust I gave him over and over again to redeem himself and prove that he was better than what he turned out to be.

Yesterday, my manager alerted me to approach his cube as he wanted to discuss with me something really quick. He casually told me that he has considered me to be deployed onsite, since I was eager to do so. Earlier this afternoon, while I was passing by, he pulled me in and showed me my contract for deployment. Everything was tentative since the budget of our project for the following year was still not decided. I glanced at the document and found my name, along with the role of onsite coordinator.

This is one of my goals, but now that it is in four months' reach, I suddenly feel a wave of frightened unpreparedness run over me. I wanted to assume the role of team lead offshore first, to at least partially prepare myself with the tasks attributed to an onsite coordinator. Life is very much unexpected, and if this is the case, I have to break free from my security in familiarity and embrace this new chapter in my life.