US gay-marriage ban under assault but still potent

This September 2010 picture provided by the family shows Tim Smulian, a South African citizen, left, and Edwin Blesch, an American, outside the Au Petit Poucet restaurant in Val David, Quebec, Canada. They married in 2007 in South Africa. Because of the U.S. law barring federal recognition of same-sex marriages, Smulian uses tourist visas which limit him to six months annually in the U.S. That means that to be together, the two retirees have to uproot themselves from their home on Long Island and spend half the year abroad. (AP Photo)
— AP

This September 2010 picture provided by the family shows Tim Smulian, a South African citizen, left, and Edwin Blesch, an American, outside the Au Petit Poucet restaurant in Val David, Quebec, Canada. They married in 2007 in South Africa. Because of the U.S. law barring federal recognition of same-sex marriages, Smulian uses tourist visas which limit him to six months annually in the U.S. That means that to be together, the two retirees have to uproot themselves from their home on Long Island and spend half the year abroad. (AP Photo)
/ AP

NEW YORK 
These are frustrating, tantalizing days for many of the same-sex couples who seized the chance to marry in recent years.

The law that prohibits federal recognition of their unions in under assault in the courts. The Obama administration has repudiated it and taken piecemeal steps to weaken its effects.

Yet for now, the Defense of Marriage Act remains very much in force - provoking anger, impatience and confusion among gay couples.

Because of DOMA, some binational couples still worry about deportation of the non-citizen spouse. Survivor benefits aren't granted after one spouse dies. And couples filing joint tax returns in the states allowing same-sex marriage must still file separately this month with the IRS.

Said Brian Sheerin, who wed his partner six years ago in Massachusetts, "There are times I feel like a third-class citizen."

When DOMA was passed overwhelmingly by Congress in 1996, and signed by President Bill Clinton, it was a pre-emptive strike. There were no legally married same-sex couples in the United States.

Since 2004, however, thousands of gays and lesbians have married as Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Iowa and the District of Columbia legalized same-sex unions. Many others have wed in foreign countries.

"What was once theoretical now has practical effects that people can see, that can't be explained other than as discrimination," said Jon Davidson, legal director of the gay-rights group Lambda Legal. "There are people who've been married six years who are increasingly getting impatient."

The controversy around DOMA creates an emotional rollercoaster for same-sex couples.

Last July, for example, many of them rejoiced when a federal judge in Massachusetts ruled that the act was an unconstitutional infringement on equality for same-sex couples.

There was more elation in February, when President Barack Obama ordered his administration to stop defending the law in the still-pending Massachusetts case and several other lawsuits. Yet no one knows when these cases will finally be resolved.

Last month, there was a flurry of excitement among binational gay couples when a U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services spokesman indicated that cases would be "held in abeyance" while broader legal issues were reviewed. Hopes soared that this would mean a halt in deportations of foreigners married to gay Americans, but within two days the federal agency said there would be no policy change.

"It's gut-wrenching to go through the ups and downs," said Doug Gentry, whose Venezuelan spouse, Alex Benshimol, faces a deportation hearing in July.

They briefly hoped the case would be put on hold - but now have been notified that an application for permanent residency for Benshimol has been denied.

"I've had the rug pulled out from under me so many times," Gentry said. "You're so used to getting your hopes up, only to get them dashed, that you almost don't want to hope."

The couple, who married last year in Connecticut after six years as partners, run a pet grooming business in Palm Springs, Calif.

"I don't feel we're different from any other family," said Gentry, 53. "I don't want to be forced to stay with my husband by going into exile, and leaving my home, my business and my country behind."