How do I describe this blog?
A line from "Old School" with a minor tweak.
"My friends, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my blog as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here."

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

This Isn't Your Mother's Period

Never in my life did I think I would write a blog post with that title.I ran across this letter today and it might be funnier than a one-legged midget in a butt-kicking contest.Enjoy.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 yearsand I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuardCore or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback ridingor salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and downthe beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to beyour revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smartenough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. Ican't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there'sa little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered fromthe curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month isstarting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violentlysurging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjustand I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbredhillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seenquite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customersmonthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about thebloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense moodswings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it'sa tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jenniferfought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a GeorgeForeman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy waswritten by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is justcrawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me tothe reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of crampingso painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, Iopened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you **ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tinymiddle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughinghappiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentionedabove sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unlessyou're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin andKahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down tothe local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan toend your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slapa moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to saysomething that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effectiveimmediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I havechosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I willcertainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss yourbrand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.Always.

Can I get an AHEM! It is about damn time someone wrote the moron! Not that I use mini diapers when Aunt Flo comes to visit (god I hate that feeling...)but really was a damn good letter! I have infact printed it out and will post it on the back of the door of the bathroon at work!

I can hear now..the howling coming for the bathroom once they read it!Great stuff!Hugs,Robyn

Excellent as always! Hehehe. The period fairy just paid a visit last week and I decided not to have a happy period and bought Tampax Pearl. What the hell was I thinking all these years?! Always was getting good business from me. From now on it's the pearl:) And thanks for not being anal retentive about a woman's menstrual cycle. Some men just freak out over the word. And also thanks for joking about the mood swings:)