Monthly Archives: May 2011

So lately NB has introduced me to people as his girlfriend…And I’ve pointed out that he didn’t immediately break out in hives or burst into flames. It seems like we’re “official”, whatever that means.

A friend of mine asked why I haven’t changed my relationship status on Facebook yet. Mine isn’t actually public but I’m fairly certain it would show up on the newsfeed if I were to change it. I have no problem whatsoever if everyone on Earth knows that I’m in a relationship and I’m actually thrilled that he’s become comfortable with referring to me as his girlfriend.

Truth be told, I’ve been calling him that for a while anyway.

Shhh…don’t tell him.

Anyway…

The problem with changing my status is that I might have to change it back sometime. I don’t really want to have to tell my friends list that I’m going through a breakup. I guess I just don’t think its really anyone’s business.

The boyfriend (!) and I talked about the whole Facebook thing (he doesn’t have Facebook and doesn’t want it) and I expressed my fears about changing it back if something went sour.

“Well…if something went sour and you had to change it back, you could always tell everyone I’m gay. I’d totally do that for you.”

I don’t know a single soul that would believe that, but I thought it was oddly sweet for him to offer.

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I’m starting to think my employer encourages alcoholism. As I’ve mentioned before, we’re allowed to drink at work. So far it seems that people do this mostly on Fridays, usually in the afternoon. Sometimes people go to lunch and come back a little toasted. No one gets hammered (that I’ve witnessed) and it’s really no big deal.

This week, though, I have two things on my calendar that make me wonder.

Tomorrow, I’m attending a lunch for all of the people that were hired recently. It’s an hour and a half lunch at a really great Mexican place… It will be interesting to see if drinks are included and if so, how many people go with margaritas.

And Friday?

Well. Friday our entire office shuts down. We still have to be here from 8:15 – 5:15, and we’re paid for the whole day, but we won’t be working.

We’ll be building and racing soapbox derby cars. And drinking.

This is something my company does every year to coincide with the Indy 500, I’m guessing. We’ve been broken up into randomly-selected teams and given money to buy materials. All week my inbox has been filling up with planning emails and there have been lots of secret meetings around campus. I have to admit, I’m pretty excited.

There are a few contests being held that day outside of the race itself. A food-eating contest will be in the afternoon, as well as a costume contest. My team has picked a theme and we’re all dressing up for that day. I’m guessing it will be pretty funny to see everyone in costume.

What really gets me, though, is that there will be kegs of beer…and people will be drinking at 8:30 (ish) am. Now I should mention that if anyone gets a little too intoxicated my employer is providing taxi rides home…So it’s not like they’re being irresponsible.

Look, I’m not complaining. I just wonder what my employer has to gain by getting us all ripped at work.

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So, according to Harold Camping tomorrow is Judgement Day. The end of the world, Doomsday, etc…

Can I just say that, if this is true, I feel like I’m squandering my last day on Earth by being at work? I mean, I really don’t think home improvement projects and credit card charge questions are even going to be relevant after today if the world is really going to end tomorrow.

I propose we call today a national holiday… Everyone that’s still at work can go home early, spend time with their families and friends, and have a nice last day on Earth.

And I think we should all do something we’ve been wanting to do for a while but haven’t. Want to ask someone on a date? Ask away! Want to tell your meddling mother-in-law that you think she sucks? Why not?! Been waiting for the right time to come out of the closet? Well what better time than the day before the world ends? Think about it…if things don’t quite go as planned it won’t even matter tomorrow. But you can die (or get sucked up to Heaven, or whatever ol’ Harold says is supposed to happen) knowing you made the attempt.

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My mom refuses to get a cell phone. I have one, my brother has one, my dad has one…hell, for a while even my grandma had one.

She could never figure out how to use it and frequently thought it was broken because the battery was dead but still…

It’s frustrating to me that mom won’t join the rest of the civilized world and just get a damn cell. She’s the only person I know that I can’t get a hold of if she isn’t at home. For the most part, it just annoys me that I can’t call her if we’re meeting somewhere and I’m running late. I also spend a lot of time worrying that she’ll have a wreck or there will be an emergency and no one will know. I can’t help the worrying…I got it from my mother. YOU’D THINK SHE’D UNDERSTAND.

I’ve tried to reason with her, but it usually goes like this:

Me: Mom, I really wish you’d get a cell phone.
Mom: I don’t need one.
Me: But what if you have a wreck and are laying dead in a ditch somewhere?!
Mom: Well if I’m dead I can’t use the phone anyway.
Me: Good point. What if you’re ALMOST dead in a ditch somewhere?
Mom: I’m not getting a cell phone.

She’s getting stubborn in her old age.

Just kidding! I mean, she IS stubborn, but…Uh…Moving on…

I got to thinking about it one day, and if she got in a wreck and couldn’t communicate, the paramedics could find someone to call by going through her cell phone book or call history. I tried bringing this up to her but it didn’t sway her at all. I really do worry that something will happen to her and no one will know who to call…

So I’ve decided to go a different route.

I’m going to write my mother’s emergency contacts somewhere on her body. I’m thinking the lower back might be best because she wouldn’t notice it right away.

That’s right, an emergency contact tramp stamp.

Since I can’t get my hands on a real tattoo gun I’ll have to settle on a permanent marker for my artwork. I’ll have to figure out a way to do this while she’s sleeping and it’ll likely have to be a little at a time so I don’t get caught before it’s all finished.

The way I see it, I’ll get my way somehow. Either my mom will discover her emergency contact tramp stamp and give in about getting a cell phone OR she won’t see it and I’ll be able to have some peace knowing that my mom has “IN CASE OF EMERGENCY CALL ASHLEE AT XXX-XXX-XXXX” written on her back.

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I’m super grumpy today… It’s Monday, we’re busy as hell at work, I only get a 30 minute lunch today AND I just found out I have to come in an hour early tomorrow for a meeting. Add to that the fact that I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through this week financially and that all equals a very grumpy me.

I don’t understand how I can be working 40 plus hours a week and still be this broke. These gas prices are seriously kicking my ass right now, I do know that much. I drive an hour one-way to work five days a week so I get gas every other day. It’s getting to the point that I’m seriously starting to wonder if I’ll be able to afford going to work anymore.

I’m trying to cut back on expenses… We don’t have internet at my house right now and I’ve been bringing my lunch to work every day. Still, my biggest expenses are the ones I can’t cut out:

Plus all of the house expenses. We’re planning to combine all of the household bills, split that amount three ways, and consider that rent every month. I feel like this is going to somehow be more expensive for me and I’m barely keeping my head above water as it is.

The bottom line is, I have to do something soon to make some extra money. Prostitution and drug dealing aren’t options (damn morals), and finding a second job that would let me only work weekends will be hard. I’ve considered bartending again, but the number of bars in my town is rapidly declining.

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One day last week, a coworker noticed a pair of shorts that had been draped across the back of an extra office chair. Curious, we attempted to find the owner.

Mind you, we didn’t try all that hard. Our efforts included picking up the shorts, saying “I wonder who these belong to”, and shrugging our shoulders.

My coworker decided to put them next to our outgoing mail area, thinking the owner would likely see them in such a high traffic area. I decided it would be a good idea to also scold the person for being so careless with his belongings.

An example of my killer coloring skills.

The next day, the shorts and the note were gone. I hope the owner read my note and has leared to be a little more responsible. I mean, naked children in Kazakhstan, for crying out loud!

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I hate when I’m walking somewhere alone and someone else is walking behind me, just close enough to make me uncomfortable. So then I speed up a bit to put some distance between the two of us, but I imagine it’s fairly obvious to that person that I’m walking faster. So then it’s awkward because not only do I want to get away from that person, but he or she KNOWS I’m trying to get away. It’s even worse if it turns out that we’re both going to the same place.

Other awkward situations?

Well…

When you are leaving a building, just as you get ready to open the door you notice someone coming your way. Then you have to decide if you’re going to just leave or stand there holding the door for an eternity. Even worse, going with option B. only to discover the person wasn’t planning on walking out the door at all.

ALSO, if you’re the person walking toward the door and someone decides to hold it and wait for you. Then you get to do that awkward “Oh look, I’m going to pretend to jog a little so you think I’m trying to get there faster even though I’m not and I kind of wish you’d just go on so I can get the door for myself whenever I get there.”

BUT it’s annoying if someone is going through a door, sees you approaching and doesn’t hold the door. THANKS JERK.

I’m never satisfied, I guess.

OH, OH, AND…

When you get to a door at the same time as someone else. So you’re both standing there doing an absurd little dance that involves reaching for the door handle, then saying “Oh, ha ha ha…sorry…” and pulling your hand back. Except the other person just did the exact same thing so you get to try again. And then it’s one of those “I’ll get it…Oh, ok, you ge…No, I’ll… I mean…OH FORGET IT” and you just have to push the other person out of the way to get the door open.

ALSO!

When you’re going into a building and someone is trying to exit through the same door.