If you’re at all unfamiliar with the term, BDSM is an abbreviation
for three distinct sex-related word pairs: bondage and discipline (BD),
dominance and submission (DS), and sadism and masochism (SM). Sounds
like quite a handful, pretty far outside the ordinary, doesn’t it? But
it isn’t so extraordinary as you might think.

Don’t believe that each and every woman in your life hasn’t
fantasized about some form of BDSM at least once in her life? Just go ahead
and ask all the women you know well. I’m sure you’d be surprised at the
result. So let’s look
at the motivations and hidden desires that lead to women fantasizing
about BDSM.

Good Girls Gone Bad

A couple of years ago a little no-name book came out that you may or
may not have heard of. But the book is important to the topic of this
discussion. It was called Fifty
Shades of Grey. Just about every woman and her mother (and I’m
not speaking metaphorically) has read this book. For those of you who
haven’t had the pleasure of perusing its pages, basically it’s about a
man who can only get sexual satisfaction from dominating and inflicting
pain on the women in his life. This man then meets a reserved woman who
gets indoctrinated into his world because of her strong desire for him.
Though, she spends most of book telling herself that she can change him
(classic).

However, she gets pulled farther and farther into his world and he
more or less converts her from a good girl to a bad one. This led me to
an interesting observation about women.

There is an underlying cultural narrative that praises the “Good Girl Gone Bad”. Even though
pundits try to bombastically criticize these women, the increased fame,
success, and envy from society (and other women) is undeniable. Think
about Miley Cyrus, who charmed her way into the hearts of Americans
everywhere when she played the role of Hannah Montana, confidently
stating that she would never do drugs or get drunk. And…well…here we
are.

Think about her predecessor Britney Spears. Think about Rihanna, who
used to write songs like this:

And now she is the
archetypal Good Girl Gone Bad. Not only did she proclaim her love for
S&M in a song dedicated to the practice, she even titled her album
– and has made her own identity – Good
Girl Gone Bad. And she, along
with her bad girl comrades, has risen to meteoric popularity. No matter
which way you slice it, society loves its good girls who have stepped
over to the wild side.

Hidden Desire

If you’ve read a few of my articles, you’ve probably heard me
mention that many of my more serious relationships have come with very
conservative, very religious girls. These girls
were very respectable, and all made it clear that they wanted to take
things slow. But as soon as I had sex with them, a switch flipped. I’m
pretty dominant with women in general,
but, all of a sudden, they couldn’t
get enough. A girl who was barely comfortable with us escalating
to sex was suddenly begging
for me to handcuff her, and tie her up, and slap her around.

And this wasn’t one of them… this
was all of them. Even
the one very conservative girl I never had sex (but did everything
else) with told me how much she loved it when I threw her on tables and
shoved her against walls and physically restrained her.

And, as I do with most of my encounters with women, I asked: how could this be?

How could the most conservative girls be the most wild?

Shouldn’t it be the opposite?

Haven’t they learned to control their desires?

The answer: absolutely not. It’s
the exact opposite.

Let’s take the example of a child who has had really strict parents
their entire life. For the entirety of their existence, their parents
have refused them the privilege of eating candy. Not only have they
refused the candy privilege, they never actually explain why they do so, always citing that
they know best.

Now let’s say the child grows up and finds him or herself at a
carnival with candy stands everywhere? Well, at first there would be
some marked hesitation. They would probably inch up to one of the
stands slowly, and be a little nervous about purchasing their piece of
candy. Once in hand, they would think about all of the times their
parents had refused them a sweet treat.

Then, with a bit of reticence, they would take the leap and pop the
sweet morsel in their mouth. And then
their world would change. Dopamine and endorphins would come
coursing through their veins. They would be hooked. And they would wonder what
crazy person would try to prevent them from having such an incredible
release. And they would seek it – again, and again, and again – gorging
more and more each time to satisfy an insatiable desire and make up for
lost time.

And this is exactly how it feels for a woman
who has been told to bottle up her sexuality. Very conservative
girls are on the extreme end because they’ve been told to abstain from
pretty much all sexual
activity until marriage without a true legitimate reason as to why. Additionally, if you’re in the
United States, since the U.S. developed out of a Puritan society,
pretty much all women are
told to keep their sexuality under wraps. This ideal is what has
created the Madonna/whore complex.

But the reality is that women are neither Madonnas nor whores –
neither pristine angels nor sex-crazed lunatics (minus the outliers). They are just human beings. They are
biological creatures who have strong sexual desires just like their
male counterparts. But they have more to lose in the mating game
because they have to sacrifice their bodies to bear offspring.

They are also the weaker, more submissive gender – and that’s how they want to be treated
(equals) from a sexual standpoint. As a man, if you fantasize
about having sex with a woman, I bet you fantasize about grabbing her,
passionately dominating her, and rocking her world. Well… women have
fantasies too… about being on the receiving
end of that scenario. Unfortunately for them, with the structure of our
society and gender relations in the West,
men
are told to be milder and milder. They are told to bottle up that masculine presence.

But women want the exact opposite.

They want to be dominated, even if they put on their Madonna face
for society.

And they want a man who they don’t have to tell that to. A man
who “just knows”.

However, most women can’t find strong, sexy
men to give them the amazing sex that they crave. So
alas… they settle for living vicariously through the lucky characters
in
erotica novels, and their latest dominance drug... the Fifty Shades series.

Many thoughts about the Fifty
Shades series have been expressed by various psychologists and
psychiatrists, such as Reef Karim, author of Why Does He Do That? Why Does She Do That?
Karim has explained in various interviews why women are absolutely obsessed with this series, even
when some of these women are dysfunctional or depressed:

“In regards to
sexual research, many women fantasize about submission, and many men
fantasize about dominance. Even though men and women are more equal
than ever in regards to occupation and finances, we are still very
different sexes, and definitive gender and role-based fantasies do
exist. Many people in our society have hidden (or not so hidden)
fantasies involving kink, S&M, or altered sexual behavior. 50
Shades of Grey has opened up the conversation of previously hidden
sexual desires and fantasies of many women.”

Karim is arguing that women want equality in social roles, but don’t
want it in sex. This is an entirely true idea, but disregarded by most
men. Most men believe that when women say they want “nice guys” and equality that
what they’re saying is that they want weak men who will handle them
with kid gloves and not do anything ambitious in the bedroom.

But ah, believe it or not, most
guys don’t know what they’re talking about. But as I always
disclaim: they can’t be blamed. Men are rational creatures who take a
woman’s word at face value. But women don’t speak at face value. They
speak with subtext.

It’s Good to be Bad

Women – and people in general – love being naughty. That’s why women
love public sex. There’s just
something additionally exciting about engaging in practices that
society considers taboo. They put on an innocent face, but in the
bedroom:

They want to be thrown around

They want to be slammed against walls

Some want to be tied up

Some want to be yelled at

Some want be whipped/chained

Basically, they want to be manhandled. But only a true
“man” can handle a woman.

Some researchers have even argued that people who engage in BDSM are
mentally
healthier, asserting that these individuals are “less neurotic,
more open, more aware of and sensitive to rejection, more secure in
their relationships and have better overall well-being.”

So, who knows, maybe getting a little kinky could be the best thing
for your relationship.

BDSM Comes in Different Forms

If you want to try
BDSM
with your girl, make sure you communicate.
Not all BDSM is created equal. Some women just like to be tied up with
some light spanking.

Others like to be yelled at as you inflict pain on
them with whips and chains while wearing a gas mask (not really my cup
of tea, but whatever floats your boat).

So make sure to ease her into the practice if you want to take your
and her sexual experience to the next level. Also, easing into it will
help you handle the shift as well. It can honestly be shocking to
unleash the sexual beast inside of a girl. You take what you thought
was an innocent girl and suddenly she’s turned into an insatiable
animal, and there’s definitely a bit of cognitive dissonance there.

So find out what she likes (and what you like) and make some of her
fantasies a reality.

Amp Up Your Sex: Relearn How to Be a Man

If you want to be the dominant master of the bedroom that your woman
wants you to be, you must first
reprogram your mind. My friend, you have years and years of
social conditioning that has led you astray. And though I can’t reverse
it with one article, maybe this will be a catalyst for reclaiming that
fierce manhood that everyone tells us we should throw by the wayside.

Mark Twain once said, “Whenever
you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and
reflect.” This quote applies not only in your dealings with
women, but to life in general.

I often like to talk about the idea of social narratives. A social
narrative is basically the “life
story” that society tells you should be living in order to be
happy and successful. In the case of your career, society tells you:

Go to primary school → Go to middle school → Go to high school → Go
to college → Get a job → Get married → Have a family → Get a mortgage →
Retire 30 years later → Die

And that’s what the social narrative says will make you happy. But that’s not what makes you happy. That’s
what benefits society.
A society will collapse if it doesn’t have a steady supply of orderly,
obedient workers to keep the cogs of the wheel turning. And that’s not
to say that being a contributor to the greater good isn’t respectable –
it most certainly is – but it is to say that the system wants to crush
your spirit so that you never dissent.

The only way to actualize yourself
is to live an unconventional life – with work
and with women. Tell me, what man who has ever accomplished
anything great worked for Wal-Mart for 35 years? What man who called
himself truly happy has done so? Exactly.

And with women, society tells you to do this:

Somehow run into a cute girl without actually approaching her → Be a
nice guy and politely compliment her → Open doors for her and never say
anything offensive → Constantly worry about whether or not she thinks
you’re creepy → Agree with everything she says → Ask her for her phone
number → Wait patiently for weeks while she flakes on you to sleep with
other men → Go on a date with her → Pay for the date → Get a kiss on
the cheek at the end → Wait 9-12 more weeks → Go on two more dates with
her → Have sex (?) → Have her drop you by saying “I’m just not dating right now” and
continue to sleep with the man who treats her like a piece of meat.

No wonder there are legions of disappointed men out there. But this
is how society creates an environment in which men are further taught
to be obedient. They put women on a pedestal and wait patiently while a
woman extracts every bit of their resources and gives them little in
return. And then when the woman is done sleeping with as many men as
she finds convenient, she can come back to the stable nice guy, marry
him, and be secure in the fact that he will always take care of her.
And the man faithfully works to grant her every wish, while she
secretly desires other men.

I don’t know about you, but no thank you for me – I will most
certainly pass. Though it’s not always easy, I will gladly take the
contrarian path, learn while expanding myself, create something
meaningful, and be happy while I beat the system.

My life trajectory has gone something like this thus far:

Go to high school → Travel to 17 countries → Learn Japanese → Go to
college → Discover game in college → Dance professionally → Reject an
offer to go to grad school → Travel to 30 more countries → Live in
Thailand → Write → Learn to work while I’m travelling → Write →
Approach hundreds of women → Get rejected by most of them → Escalate
with the rest → Sleep with some of those → Write → Learn some Thai →
Start a business → Get robbed for a large sum of money → Put my head
down and start over → Start a second business → Write some more → Sleep
with more women → Travel and work on philanthropy whenever I want to →
Live with more and more freedom → ?

Who knows what will come next. But the point is that you will never
be a truly dominant man in
any area of your life until you accept that you have to tune out the
social narrative and make a life for yourself.

And then… when you get a girl in the bedroom… she’ll never be the
same
again.

Wrapping Up

Most women describe the Fifty
Shades series as “extremely
hot” – a must read for all females. It gets into the dynamics of
female desire, and lets them get lost in a world of wild, dominant sex
and the ultimate, fantasy-level fulfillment. And most women will
continue to read these books… dreaming… and wondering what their life
would be like if such an experience could happen to them for but a day.

Now the question is… are you going to let them only dream?

Carpe diem,

Colt

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Comments

I may not be the best judge, but it strikes me that the intellect of Girls Chase authors is of a caliber you'd normally only find among the rising stars of i-banks, top strategic consultancies, law practices, university hospitals and the like. (Lucky for us they have chosen to follow a less conventional path!)

The holistic understanding expressed here of the connections between the fundamental seduction principles conceived by Chase and trends in society and culture as a whole show a level of insight and maturity that is quite astonishing to me.

I always enjoy your posts Colt. You're about a year or two older than me but you've done a majority of the things that I'd expect myself to begin doing ~10 years from now. I'm always left in admiration at how your life has worked out.

Something I've heard about is how a subset of rich successful men would pay a dominatrix to dominate THEM.

I've been with some very sexually aggressive women, and despite being very dominant and confident in general, they absolutely loved being dominated in bed. But what if I encouraged such a girl to dominate me?

Would it be detrimental precedence in a relationship to encourage a girlfriend into assuming a more dominant role in the bedroom? I'm not very experienced with this and think it could be pretty hot, though I wouldn't like any girl to start being more dominant in the overall relationship because of some role-play action.

What you're referring to is being a switch/asking your partner to be a switch. In other words, someone who enjoys being dominated and dominant in equal measure...or is at least wanting to switch it up from time to time.

I can honestly say that there's no way to know if your partner is comfortable with taking a dominant role unless you ask them. But as for your question of "is it okay for me to want this", yes. Yes, it's perfectly fine. My own lover asks for it sometimes (normally I'm the sub), and I'd never deny him this part of his sexuality, just as I wouldn't give up other aspects of sex like using toys, or "making love", or giving each other erotic massage.

The thing to remember about bdsm is that it's one expression of human sexuality. Think of it like using chili pepper in your kitchen. Sure, dishes like tacos, spaghetti, and certain soups can be improved by adding this delightful spice...but you still wouldn't want it in your stroganoff or cheerios. Such it is with bdsm...it's a game to play during sex with it's own rules and improvements, but having it all the time gets boring, especially if it's done the same way in each scene. Some days I like to be whipped and tied to the bed...some nights my lover wants to be told not to make a sound while I spank him and slide a tiny vibrator in his ass...and then other times we just want to slowly, gently have vanilla sex.

I personally get off on being a Sub because of how powerful and safe it is. A good Dom communicates openly and honestly with their Sub, expects to be told the safeword if anything he/she does goes too far, and trusts the Sub to not allow themselves to be pushed too far beyond their limits. Being a Sub explicitly means *you* are the final say in what happens...I like that power, as does my lover when we switch roles. It's pretty intoxicating. And of course, it's all about consent...safely pushing boundaries...being honest and upfront with your partner about your limits...and having fun with the concepts of D/S in a sexual game that ends when the scene is over. (Neither of us are ones for gender roles, so our relationship is very egalitarian. We've been FwB for 7+ years, so it must be working.)

I was surprised when I started actively seeking partners to find a lot of people enjoy being submissive (both male and female). I find it a release of responsibility. Many people are terrified of it. It's less work to follow instruction rather than make seemingly difficult decisions. Unless you're equipped with the skills to deal with resistance. If that's the word I'm looking for?

In response to the previous poster. There are those who are burdened with a life of responsibility at work or otherwise. There is nothing better than getting home and not having to worry about a thing - it's escapism.

I agree with Girlschase, there is a severe lack of dominant males. Just as there are dominant females. While I've encountered both, the latter have been bisexuals or lesbians (I could talk about that all day). Those I've met resulted in very passionate power struggles. However, these wouldn't result in an on-going relationship unless someone submits (think, two dominant males). I think there's an article on relationship dynamics somewhere.

Something I found interesting was self-confessed feminists I slept with were also very submissive. I won't go into detail on that topic either.

I know this isn't what Colt is saying, but I hope everyone remembers these are fantasies. Some people don't want 'rough' or 'dominant' all the time. Besides, it's nice to mix it up with some slow intimacy. I also caution that BDSM relationships require a high degree of trust. It forms an emotional bond that can be difficult to part. Be respectful of limitations and please be discreet.

I love this post ....somehow its about me ..... Im survival in this stupid culture and traditions fighting everyday to get rid of them.... Because nobody can understand my desires....n m fed up ..... I feel lyk running away and fulfilling my fantasies