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Thank you For Making Me UnderstandI perhaps communicated my concern and understanding inappropriately and am truly sorry and appreciative of your voiced concerns.

My most private personal disclosure was in no way for the benefit or the interpretation of our readers only for that one person in need to know. When I read this post I was brought to tears with his words reaching to the deepest parts in my heart and soul. These were not just words but emotions which many fortunate people will never have to experience however paralleled and never forgotten in my own life.

I remember the importance of those who gave me empathy and support with their sincere concern and caring well wishing but deep down I wondered if they really knew what this was all about.

All the Medical Specialists ~ Psychiatrics ~ Nurses ~ Police ~ Paramedics that provided continual support couldn't fill a void that I knew only someone that had walked there before me could understand and interpret the intrinsic values of all those feelings that were unspoken yet still there.

My purpose was to relate to and share this dark place with him where one can feel so alone, afraid, angry, ashamed and validate his feelings and recognize the experience that another walks beside him.

I will delete my posting as required by your response.

« Last Edit: July 28, 2006, 02:35:59 PM by CApronda »

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And You Begin To Accept Your Defeats, With Your Head Up And Your Eyes Open, With A Grace Of A Woman, Not The Grief Of A Child

Perhaps your concerns would go well in a separate thread. If we can help you, we will. What's happened to Dan is very distressing to us and I don't think it appropriate for you to tack your issues onto this thread.

Have at least a modicum of respect.

MtD

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And You Begin To Accept Your Defeats, With Your Head Up And Your Eyes Open, With A Grace Of A Woman, Not The Grief Of A Child

I just read through the posts. You all are an amazing group of people.

Dan,My thoughts and prayers are going out to you. I want to keep reading your posts, and share all of your joys and hardships for years to come. And I want to hear all about your new puppy. We can share doggie stories!

First of all thanks T Hal, Mike, John, Trish and anyone else who either called or made a psot in this thread. My last few hours are3 all al blue and I have no idea if this went through one dau or tow. I barely remember being in the hopsital. I think Steve was there. All I could hear was my mothers yappy mouth going off aboujt soem stupid subtect to some body. I remember pulling the IV out of my arm, ripping off all of the heart monitor stuff and running out of there with security, police chasing me. I t was pouring down rain when I left the hosptial . I got to with in a block of my house. The co0ps converged on me with their guns raised like I was a criminal. I tlold them to go ahead and do me the favor and blow my brains out. Next think I knwo I'm thrown on the hood of a cop car (in the rain), handcuffed , thrown in the back of a police car & taken back to the hospital. There I sat in a holding room for over 3-4 hours & then they movied me upstars and strapped me into a hospital bed. I eventually was given over to the sheriffs department to be taken to Western State Memtal Hospital. ther I spoke with a psychiatrist. She decided that I didn't need to stay but strongly urged that I get counsling. So Here I am back home... STILL HURTING

Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

I know that it would be health for me to just stay completely way from you know who. But I'v e lost myselfi in him. I'm fighting the urge to go knowck on his back door right now. I know I don't need to, BUT I FEEL LIKE I do. I'm the obsessed not Steve. All this shit has very little in the grand scheme of thing than that man. This shit goes way back to when I was molested a 5, put in a special class in school where the kids ideas of recess and nap time was to either fuck out behind the bushes or in the closet. I''v e had low self esteem all my life. My mother alwayst told me I couldn't do anything, my dad, he was a good father, a provider but very very cold and distant. I donl't think I really know what love really is.

All I know is I need a change physically, mentally & spirtually. Because if something doesn't happen soon the next time I will succeed. I'm going to plan for it.

I'm happy to read you are safe and back home. As Matty said Dan, you need to get help as life can be fun and worthwhile even when being HIV+.

I really hope you're not considering cancelling your trip to Montreal. You'll have there people to talk to and I'm sure you'll be back to Jackson with some positive energy, from there you will have to put some effort for getting out of this vicious circle.

Besides you have to believe that people care about you, want you to be happy and understand you are a much better better person than you think you are.

See ya' in Montreal Dan...

Regards,

The Canuck

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jerry

Dan what can I say but I know what you are feeling I went through the same thing about two months ago and tried to take a lot of pills also. There is some reason that we are suppose to be here and can't get away. I can say this please think or pick up the phone and call some of your family here on aidsmeds because we really care for you and love you very much.

Just think honey just in under 18 days and we can finally get to meet each other and have one big group hug.

Dan, you should not be out of the hospital this soon. A suicide attempt requires a hold for at least 72 hours.

Regardless, you are still in need of critical care and supervision. I hope you get the help you need.

*editedAs much as this situation brought to light the power and amazing cohesion that is aidsmeds.com, I hope that no one is made cynical by the fact that the circumstances surrounding the situation remain suspect.

Daschound, killfolie, Ann, Tim, Peter, you guys are heroes. Seriously. And I hope this serves as an object lesson to anyone who thinks that these forums are simply stages on which to place dramatic production. We will conspire to take physical action if we feel a threat exists. And we will make certain that this situation is resolved.

Its not Tough love. Its just Love... for the entirety that is aidsmeds.com, as much as for the individuals who exist here.

« Last Edit: July 29, 2006, 01:39:13 AM by jkinatl2 »

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

It's not true that you've not experienced love. What is this -- this group of friends, of family -- if not love. True, it's over the internet. True, it's not a physical body. But it is love.

Dan, would you consider checking yourself in for a few days? That way, you're in control. I wrote you in a PM how I checked myself in for a week, a few weeks ago. After I'd called the suicide helpline. I lied here and said I had gone to stay at a friend's place. Nope, I was in a hospital. It helped. A lot.

I changed my AD meds quite a bit. And I feel fine now. And strong. Don't listen to the voices of depression, they trade in bad stuff.

Steve-obsession is fine. If his help is what you need at the moment, go knock on his door now.

Can you get on a plane and come stay with one of us for a few weeks before Montreal? To get away from Jackson?

With understanding, concern, and love --

Jay

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Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

All I know is I need a change physically, mentally & spirtually. Because if something doesn't happen soon the next time I will succeed. I'm going to plan for it.

I do not believe you.

But I have been royally pissed since your first stunt yesterday. You simply do NOT take what you said and get into a car and drive and end up back online two and a half hours later. That's impossible. Its bullshit.

Dan, I am calling BS. You pulled this same thing last year. And last year, you had the whole board buzzing around looking for you. Yeah, I remember.

If you are serious, then you need to be in in-patient care for at LEAST three days. But the police never saw you, did they? You drove to your parents house and talked them into either taking you to a hospital (doubtful, since they never would have released you in two hours) or covering for you (read: lying) to the board.

Regardless, and at the risk of the wrath of the forum, I call bullshit. You manipulated this forum because your "relationship" had ended and you had a lack of drama in your life.

I certainly hope that the bridges you burned here have been worth the attention and effort. I fell for all this once. I did not fall this time, and I was right. I would rather be ashamed for my cynicism, but I am not. Not this time. You hurt people. You used people. I hope you can live with that, and with your hard choices.

I do not for a moment think you are emotionally stable, don't get me wrong. I think you have a pathology and a mental instability that requires a great deal of therapy and assistance.... and I honestly hope you get the help that you need. I submit that you have poisoned the well here for now.

I've been sitting on this emotional junk all night, and I just could not keep it to myself any longer. Have at me, guys. Slice me to shreds. Thing is, we were used.

Pwned.

And that hurts me deeply. Hurts worse when I see the good souls here expending their limited resources trying to help. Trying to save a soul who, for all I know.. all I suspect... was staring at the fracas on the computer screen, happy to have gotten this reaction from the gullible, the sweet, the noble, the brave people who actually have lives.

God Freaking Damnit. This is why I don't post here too much anymore.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

Amen my brother! I wanted to say this whole entire time and you took the words right out of my mouth..................bullshit, that is what it is

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"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves.."Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"

I don't know what's going on or what the full story is. But I do know that you have been reaching out for help for a very long time now. I know you have been wanting a change in your life (living conditions, work, family, lovelife, etc..) for a while now. I hope you realize that lots of people do genuinely care for you, (even if they didn't post in this thread).

But mostly I hope you get the help that you have been offerred, not for us, but for yourself. I'm convinced your life could be what you want it to be, if only you would take, what I imagine to be, the difficult steps in getting professional help.

EVERYTHING I POSTED IN THIS THREAD IS THE TRUTH. @ 5:00 I TOOK THE MEDICATIONS I SAID I DID. BECAUSE OF THE ACTIONS OF HAL AND OTHERS ON THIS BOARD CONTACTING MY FAMILY THEY FOUND ME IN A CITY PARKPOPPING MORE PILLS. BY MY MOTHER & WAS TAKLKED INTO GOING HOME WHERE I WAS HANDCUFFED IN MY BEDROOM, & TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL, wHILE AT THE HOSPITAL RIPPED OUT MY IV, HEART MONITOR LINES AND FLED THE HOSPITAL. I WAS FOUND BY 4 POLICE OFFICERS WHILE WALKING HOME IN THE RAIN. THEY THREW ME ON HE HOOD OF THE CAR, HANDCUFFED ME AND TOOK BE BACK TO THE HOSPITAL WHERE I SAT IN A HOLDING ROOM FOR AT LEAST 2 HOURS. THEY THEN MOVED ME TO A ROOM ON THE 10TH FLOOR. AS SOON AS I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL BED THEY RESTRAINED ME WAITING FOR SHERIFF'S DEPUTIES TO DRIVE ME TO WESTERN STATE MENTAL HOPSITAL TO BE EVALUATED BY A PSYCHIATRIST. i GOT BACK HOME AROUND 11PMI TOLD THE WOMAN THINGS SHE WANTED TO HEAR. SINCE I HAD A HOME TO GO BACK TO SHE LET ME GO. THIS ISN'T OVER. I'M NOT GOING TO TRY ANYTHING FOOLISH LIKE WHAT I DID TODAY AGAIN. I WILL END IT THE LEGAL WAY. SINCE I MISSED MY MEDS TODAY I WON'T BE TAKING ANYMORE OF THOSE AND I WILL JUST LET MY BODY BE DESTROYED BY HIV. THAT IS LEGAL & I HAVE THAT RIGHT TO MAKE THAT CHOICE. IT WILL BE A LONG SLOW WAY TO GO BUT THE ENDS WILL JUSTIFY THE MEANS. I'M TIRED. TIRED OF LIVING WITH THIS THING IN MY BODY, TIRED OF THE UNHEALTHY REALTIONSHIP (THERE ARE A FEW OF THOSE ON THIS FORUM) TIRED OF FEELING LIKE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT ON BOTTOMSOMEBODIES NEW WHITE TENNIS SHOE. MY ISSUES GO WAY BACK TO THE TIME WHEN I WAS YOUNG . BEING MOLESTED AT THE AGE OF 5 , COPYING THOSE BEHAVIORS WITH OTHER YOUNG BOYS, DOING DRUGS AND BOOZE TO MAKE ME LIKE MYSELF EVEN MORE. I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE. SO IF YOU WANT TO SIT THERE AND TELL ME THAT I LIED TO CAUSE A BIG DRAMA HERE ON THE BOARD YOU WERE WRONG. WHAT I SAID WAS THE TRUTH & IF YOU CAN'T ACCEPT THAT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO MAKE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND. IF ANYONE ELSE HERE FEELS THE SAME WAY & YOU DON'T WANT ME AROUND ANYMORE JUST SAY THE WORD AND I AM GONE.

It's impossible to really know someone in cyberspace. It is very difficult to get a balanced and true view of someone's situation in any internet forum. I don't think it is a good idea to start a discussion questioning another person's intentions or state of mind.

EVERYTHING I POSTED IN THIS THREAD IS THE TRUTH. @ 5:00 I TOOK THE MEDICATIONS I SAID I DID. BECAUSE OF THE ACTIONS OF HAL AND OTHERS ON THIS BOARD CONTACTING MY FAMILY THEY FOUND ME IN A CITY PARK POPPING MORE PILLS. I WAS HANDCUFFED IN MY BEDROOM, TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL, RIPPED OUT MY IV, HEART MONITOR LINES AND FLED THE HOSPITAL. I WAS FOUND BY 4 POLICE OFFICERS WHILE WALKING HOME IN THE RAIN. THEY THREW ME ON HE HOOD OF THE CAR, HANDCUFFED ME AND TOOK BE BACK TO THE HOSPITAL WHERE I SAT IN A HOLDING ROOM FOR AT LEAST 2 HOURS. THEY THEN MOVED ME TO A ROOM ON THE 10TH FLOOR. AS SOON AS I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL BED THEY RESTRAINED ME WAITING FOR SHERIFF'S DEPUTIES TO DRIVE ME TO WESTERN STATE MENTAL HOPSITAL TO BE EVALUATED BY A PSYCHIATRIST. I TOLD THE WOMAN THINGS SHE WANTED TO HEAR. SINCE I HAD A HOME TO GO BACK TO SHE LET ME GO. THIS ISN'T OVER. I'M NOT GOING TO TRY ANYTHING FOOLISH LIKE WHAT I DID TODAY AGAIN. I WILL END IT THE LEGAL WAY. SINCE I MISSED MY MEDS TODAY I WON'T BE TAKING ANYMORE OF THOSE AND I WILL JUST LET MY BODY BE DESTROYED BY HIV. THAT IS LEGAL & I HAVE THAT RIGHT TO MAKE THAT CHOICE. IT WILL BE A LONG SLOW WAY TO GO BUT THE ENDS WILL JUSTIFY THE MEANS. I'M TIRED. TIRED OF LIVING WITH THIS THING IN MY BODY, TIRED OF THE UNHEALTHY REALTIONSHIP (THERE ARE A FEW OF THOSE ON THIS FORUM) TIRED OF FEELING LIKE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT ON BOTTOMSOMEBODIES NEW WHITE TENNIS SHOE. MY ISSUES GO WAY BACK TO THE TIME WHEN I WAS YOUNG . BEING MOLESTED AT THE AGE OF 5 , COPYING THOSE BEHAVIORS WITH OTHER YOUNG BOYS, DOING DRUGS AND BOOZE TO MAKE ME LIKE MYSELF EVEN MORE. I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE. SO IF YOU WANT TO SIT THERE AND TELL ME THAT I LIED TO CAUSE A BIG DRAMA HERE ON THE BOARD YOU WERE WRONG. WHAT I SAID WAS THE TRUTH & IF YOU CAN'T ACCEPT THAT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO MAKE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND. IF ANYONE ELSE HERE FEELS THE SAME WAY & YOU DON'T WANT ME AROUND ANYMORE JUST SAY THE WORD AND I AM GONE.[/color]

Dan,

You need to understand just how much distress and disruption this has caused here. Ok, you're hurting we get the picture, but this whole incident has caused a lot of people unbelievable grief and upset.

Not just you.

Jonathan's comments are, I'm sorry to say, apt and to the point. He had the courage to say what many of us have been thinking for the last two days. You really need to get your shit together and sort this out. It can be done. Many of us have problems likes yours. Some have it worse than you.

But we cope, ya dig?

The support offered here is a two way thing. You ask for help and we do what we can, but there is an onus on you to do something to help yourself. This isn't the first time you've erupted in crisis in this place babe and you never seem to do anything to help yourself.

Dan, it's time for you to make some decisions for yourself. You're rapidly burning through your goodwill with many of us. We can only take so much crap babe.

FINE, IF I CAUSE SO MUCH ILL WILL FOR ALL OF YOU I WON'T DARKEN THE HALL OF THIS FORUM ANYMORE.

I WILL KEEP MY ASS AT HOME AND NOT GO TO MONTREAL. I WOULD HATE THAT ME BEING PRESENT THERE WOULD PUT A DAMPER ON THE FESTIVITIES. I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT TIME. THIS IS THE END OF THE LINE FOR ME, I'M OUT OF HERE.

I DO NOT WANT ANYMORE PEOPLE FROM THIS BOARD CONTACTING ME THROUGH, PHONE, OR EMAIL. YOU CALL ME I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A CUSSING YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE.

FINE, IF I CAUSE SO MUCH ILL WILL FOR ALL OF YOU I WON'T DARKEN THE HALL OF THIS FORUM ANYMORE.

I WILL KEEP MY ASS AT HOME AND NOT GO TO MONTREAL. I WOULD HATE THAT ME BEING PRESENT THERE WOULD PUT A DAMPER ON THE FESTIVITIES. I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT TIME. THIS IS THE END OF THE LINE FOR ME, I'M OUT OF HERE.

I DO NOT WANT ANYMORE PEOPLE FROM THIS BOARD CONTACTING ME THROUGH, PHONE, OR EMAIL. YOU CALL ME I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A CUSSING YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE.

As you wish Dan. I'm sorry you can't appreciate what people have tried to do for you here.

FINE, IF I CAUSE SO MUCH ILL WILL FOR ALL OF YOU I WON'T DARKEN THE HALL OF THIS FORUM ANYMORE.

I WILL KEEP MY ASS AT HOME AND NOT GO TO MONTREAL. I WOULD HATE THAT ME BEING PRESENT THERE WOULD PUT A DAMPER ON THE FESTIVITIES. I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT TIME. THIS IS THE END OF THE LINE FOR ME, I'M OUT OF HERE.

I DO NOT WANT ANYMORE PEOPLE FROM THIS BOARD CONTACTING ME THROUGH, PHONE, OR EMAIL. YOU CALL ME I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A CUSSING YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE.

As you wish Dan. I'm sorry you can't appreciate what people have tried to do for you here.

MtD

I APPRECIATE WHAT OTHER HAVE DONE FOR ME BUT I AM NOT GOING TO SIT BACK AND BE CALLED A LIAR BY ANY MEMBER OF THIS FORUM. YOU WERE NOT HERE.

Frankly, I don't care at this point whether you lied or whether every word is true; whether some of the comments made tonight are valid or completely unjustified. What matters is your feeling better, getting better. OK? That's it. And, from all the advice offered by so many, you know there's a concerned consensus: get professional help.

Jay

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Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

I have to agree with Jay...whether this was the truth, a lie, etc is really not a concern. What matters most is that you are ok for now. Hopefully this situation will help you come out of the dark and realize that it is possible to change and live a happy life. Each and every single one of us have gone through the tough times you are experiencing, whether we are Hiv poz or neg. You may think you have it the worst, but I guarantee you that there are people out there who has it ten times worse than you. If you want to stop feeling this way, all it takes is for you to make the first step in accepting help from others. I have confidence that you will make the right choice.

Do not cancel your trip to Montreal. Maybe a little humility in this matter would serve better.... Just stop, breath, and come back tomorrow. Dan come on man, if you did try to or if you didn't, you were wrong! Take a few days if needed to collect your thoughts... try to see where Matty and Jonathan are coming from. Don't be so damn defensive...

I gotta be honest Dan, I am with JK here. It smelled from the very beginning, but being one who has been royally chastised for being cold here, I bit my lip...... just in case. Now, with the smoke settling, it smells even more.

I just recently experienced what a terrible pain, grief, feeling of loss and deep sadness a suicide causes.Honestly, when I read about your attempt it just sucked me down.

We have all been in a state of min where life did not see worth living anymore.I had to face the answers on the Forum in spring 2006.And , honestly many of the things said hurt. But it was the hurt that made me think about myself.And through the thinking I I realised the only person who could help me was : ME.

It is of the biggest importance to know that most people on here DO CARE.And a lot of them have gone through similar processes. Call it growth, call it live, call it learn to live.

I shall be in Montreal. Arms open, mind open and heart open for you. Take it.We will talk, walk, laugh and cry. We will SHARE. And that is what Montreal will be about.

Sharing and realising this is one exceptional family that, I can assure you, many of my neg friends are very envious about.

Dan, grab the chance you are given. This comes from my heart.I would hate to see a kindred soul go down this way.

love u

Hermie and Lola

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Diagnosed in 1987 and still kickingKivexa (Epzicom),Tivicay once daily

I know you need help (and I hope to god you get it) but right now I feel nothing but anger towards you...you have taken the love, the friendships and support of everyone here and you have abused it...that is unforgivable.

How many times do you need to be told how much you are loved and supported before you will do something about it and stop hurting us?...I hope you have an answer to this, because I know my time here is precious, I don't want to spend it being angry, and I need to know that it's not going to waste.

HAL...what can I say that hasn't already been said, you have shown an amazing strength and compassion that speaks volumes..you are a decent and caring man and I'm proud to know you.

After receiving considerable pm's regarding Dan I feel it necessary to make my final statement regarding this unfortunate mess. Dan, I left the door open for you to fill in the blanks when and if you decided. That door as always remains open here at AIDSmeds. What you choose to do with it is up to you.

It is not my place or anyone else for that matter, to lecture, scold, beg, or plead with you to get help. That decision is yours and yours alone. I know you know that the truth will set you free. Am I angry...you betcha. That will pas when I sense that you are honestly trying to help yourself.

As for the outpouring of love I received from so many of you...your kindness is beyond belief. I think it was Eric who suggested a walk in the park...well, that is what Sam and I are about to do. I suggest everyone else find something to do today that makes them happy...or at least peaceful.

Cranky old Hal is honored to be in the company of such amazing people...and I love you all. Dan I hope you and your family can find some peace.

I have been praying for you and your family. Like the others here I hope you get the help you need. Its now up to you to get that help.

You have alot of people here that love and care about you. I am one of those people even though we dont know each other very well. I hope you do go to Montreal as I think it would do you a world of good.