Philadelphia MFT

Find yourself crushing on a coworker? How about the barista at the local coffee shop you visit every morning? Do you find this person invading the majority of your thoughts? If you’re alive, it is likely that you’ve had a crush at some point in your life. Crushing doesn’t stop once you get into a relationship, even if you’d like it to. Instead of feeling guilty about your newest infatuation, focus your energy into making sure your crush stays harmless. Here are some tips to help you:

Normalize. Crushes are natural. Just about everyone experiences them. Noticing and admiring someone else outside of your relationship doesn’t make you a terrible person, it makes you human. It’s common to feel guilty about being attracted to someone else, but you shouldn’t.

Fantasy vs Reality. Know the difference between the two. Your thoughts are harmless. Your actions are not. Constantly fantasizing about your crush is different than constantly setting up interactions with this person. You cannot control how much you think about your crush but you can control how you interact with them.

Boundaries. Crossing the line looks different for everyone so it’s up to you to figure out what it looks like for your relationship. Once you establish what your line is, stay far away from it. Boundaries decrease your chances of ending up in a situation that could compromise your relationship.

Honesty. Be upfront with yourself. Your crush likely doesn’t mean anything but it does give you the opportunity to check in on yourself and your relationship. How are you feeling about things? If your relationship is lacking something now is the time to discuss it. Sometimes we crush on the qualities we desire from our partner. Have a conversation with your significant other about how you’re feeling. It isn’t necessary to disclose the crush, but it is important to share the feelings that arise from it.

The attack on the Pulse nightclub in Orlando is a horrific tragedy, and based on the dialogue and conversation since, is not well understood by people outside the LGBTQ+ community, if the larger population is even trying.

The shooter told people he was enraged by seeing 2 guys kissing, an outward sign of the affection and love those 2 felt for each other, but also the safety they felt in that space to express themselves. Sexual minorities face similar backlash for both what is seen publicly, and what is perceived to happen privately; judgement based on sexual expression; and made to feel shame, unfortunately sometimes even common within the community.

Perhaps the reaction has emboldened some to be more visible, to be less quiet and to be more explorative; a fuller, more authentic expression of self. For some, it may lead to avoidance or hiding from fear. How do we cope with this?

Not ironically, for the LGBTQ+ community, sexuality is something defining, in its identity and expression. Sexuality consists of sex, and sex - consensual only - can be a coping strategy, regardless of with whom or how. It is about connecting with another person and feeling close, with or without strings. In these moments of distress, pain, marginalization, etc. etc., experiencing that closeness and intimacy are comforting; denying these things only exacerbates the problem. So why not celebrate your own sexuality - whatever that may be - and experience it in a way that is fitting and safest for you? The LGBT community was hated for what it was, hiding it, disregarding it is not pride or self love or even self care. Not everyone is ready to be “out of the closet,” but we - LGBTQ+ populations, the kink and fetish population and allies - do need to foster an environment where people feel safe to be and express ourselves as we are.

Sex and intimacy become a lose/lose situation when someone is shamed for how they go about finding and getting these things or avoiding them all together. These can become vicious cycles that feed more shame and larger problems.

Certainly hook up apps and sex can lead to larger problems, but there is a difference in why. When someone feels out of control - and that's from your own subjective, personal perspective - it can interfere with your functioning and the myriad other ways you can connect with people. But that does not make the hook up apps the cause, nor does it mean the people using them have a problem. It does mean there are people who finding their sexual expression in different places.

People can only make changes when they feel they are having a problem, which is why shaming and violence don't lead to positive change. In fact, it is empathy, support and acceptance that leads to change in behaviors within sexuality, but sexuality is pretty much set.

Maintaining ourselves means

• appropriate self care. It requires some insight into ourselves as well as support from others if we find ourselves feeling out of control.

it means seeking out community and safe spaces. This is LGBT Pride month, so take part in some way; be visible and let the people around you express themselves.be a support for someone and feel how you are supporting yourself by doing so.

• keeping our safe spaces safe. That doesn't mean exclusion, but it does mean supporting them and it does mean people who not in that community respecting these spaces for those it is meant to serve.

This Topic of the Week was written by Brian Swope, MFT.

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BThis post was originally written back in January of this year when we were celebrating the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr; someone who fought and died for the equality of all. Today, almost 50 years after his death, we revisit this topic of the week in wake of the horrific hate crime that targeted the LGBT community in Orlando, Florida. With the devastating impact this has had on lives of many; now more than ever is a time to reach out and be an ally.

Check in with your LGBT friends and familyReach out and see how people are doing. You don't have to have all the words but a simple "are you ok?" can go a long way. You never know how someone is handling it even if they appear to be fine or didn't someone they know be directly impacted by the shootings.

ListenOne of the most important things you can do to be an ally is to listen. And listen. And listen some more. Being an ally means you're understanding that part of what people are experiencing is that they want to be heard and validated. The first step to validating an experience is to actively listen to them and how they are struggling; no matter how different their experiences are from your own.

Be empathetichaving empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Even though you may never have experienced homophobia; you DO understand the feelings that these experiences can cause others. We all know what it feels like to be humiliated, disliked, shamed and attacked for just being who we are. Tap into those feelings when listening and validating the experiences of others.

Be Honest and Ask QuestionsOne of the best ways to be an ally is to be honest about your own feelings about their experience. Admit when you don't understand something. Admit when you don't know what to do or how to feel. Ask questions about how it made them feel. Be honest about never having an experience like that and most importantly ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP. Don't assume you know what can be done to improve the situation; always ask "what can I do if you want and need help with this."

Stand up in Small WaysSome of the most powerful things we can do is stand up in small ways. Finding the courage to stand up for inequality can be challenging but it gets easier when we start small and build from there. If you see a small injustice (a friend speaking negatively/insensitively about the LGBTQ community for example.) speak up about it. One of the most important things you can do is be an ally in spaces where the people you're an ally to aren't welcomed.

Don't erase people from their storySince Sunday we have seen the media, politicians, and many people on social media try to negate that the Orlando shooting was anything but a hate crime against the LGBT community. Some have even gone as far as to use the event to push their own personal agendas concerning extreme Islamic terrorism, gun control, and religion. While those issues are important, its even more important to respect and honor those who are suffering. Understand that our attempt to adapt an event for our own personal argument can in turn silence, minimize, and hurt the community that was directly impacted.

Getting engaged is a huge step in a relationship and can feel very overwhelming. Here are some things to think about before popping the question to know if you’re ready to say “I do.”

Do you work well together?

It may seem obvious, but our partner should bring out the best in us. If you can say that is true in your relationship, than you’re off to a good start.

Do you have lives outside of one another?

You should both have a full life and support system separate from one another. When your worlds completely overlap it can be a catalyst for trouble. Work in the same office? Have some friends that are yours alone, and let your partner spend time with their own friends.

Do you agree about the big issues?

It’s important to know where your potential spouse stands on big issues such as children, finances, religion and geography. If you don’t want kids and your partner does, that is a problem that won’t resolve itself with an engagement ring. Be sure you talk with one another

Does my partner get along with my family?

When someone’s spouse and their family have a tumultuously relationship, those ill feelings bleed over into the relationship. This may not be a deal breaker, but it should be addressed asap before it gets out of control.

Do you both pick and choose your battles

This may be the most important relationship advice you will ever here: when one person wins and the other loses, the relationship loses. This point cannot be stressed enough. Know when and how to choose your battles, and respect your partners’ perspective and feelings. If you and your partner have this figured out, than you're ready for the long haul!

This topic of the week was brought to you by Danielle Adinolfi, MFT

​Philadelphia MFT is now offering online scheduling. Book an appointment with us here!