Monday, March 7, 2011

More Stupid Cat

So there's this cat food commercial. Maybe you've seen it.

A cat wanders into an empty kitchen and ambles toward a can of Friskies cat food. The lid suddenly pops off, sending magic glowing swirls all over the room. The cat watches them, mesmerized, because she's clearly stoned out of her mind.

Then a mysterious portal opens up. Right there in the kitchen. Because that makes sense.

The cat leaps through the portal, and finds herself in a brightly colored fantasy land. She meanders through this newfound wonderland, marvelling at her surroundings.

And even though it's only a 60-second commercial, this stoned cat manages to have a complete adventure, by land and by sea.

Her journey eventually comes full circle, and a new portal leads the cat home, where she scarfs down some brown mush in a bowl. I'm not sure what the commercial is getting at, unless they're implying that Friskies cat food is laced with PCP.

Seeing pet food commercials always makes me miss my cat Lola, this commercial in particular. As a kitten Lola slurped up some antifreeze and was never quite the same. She's dumb as a cinderblock, but I love her, and I always look forward to seeing her when I go home for the holidays.

Last time I was home, I brought her a little mouse toy full of catnip. I'd never given her catnip before because I was afraid it might exacerbate her brain damage and send her into a kitty coma, but I figured it probably couldn't hurt just this once. I pulled the toy out of my pocket and tossed it on the ground in front of her.

After that she picked up the mouse in her teeth, carried over to the couch, and rolled around for several minutes in a hazy delirium. Then she slid off the couch and laid there for another couple minutes before falling asleep for the rest of the morning.

"No more drugs for you, cat," I said, and put the mouse on top of the fridge.

Later that afternoon I let Lola outside for a bit. She usually doesn't go farther than the edge of the deck, so I figured she couldn't get into much trouble. I sat down to do some light reading, but before long I was interrupted by a commotion in the backyard.

There's a creek behind my house, and from time to time we get ducks crossing through. Usually the ducks aren't so noisy, so I could tell something was up. I peered through the blinds but couldn't see anything, so I got up and walked over to the sliding doors. I pulled them open, and there was Lola, dragging a dead duck across the deck. She had somehow managed to kill a whole duck. She looked up at me, proud as could be, blood and feathers scattered behind her.

"Oh my god, Lola," I said.

She only stared at me, as if to reply, "What, this old thing? You act like you've never killed a duck with your bare hands before. Pussy." Fat and dumb though she may be, I still find myself surprised at what an efficient killer she is.

Though vicious and bloodthirsty, Lola spends the bulk of her day seeking out warm places to sleep. Her favorite place to snooze is on fresh laundry, preferably laundry that is still in the dryer. It's gotten to the point where I have to be careful she isn't around when I take my clothes out, because she will rocket past me and launch herself into the machine.

When no laundry can be found, Lola will make do with what she can, though she is rarely successful in finding comfortable nap spots. She'll attempt to sleep in anything, be it cereal boxes or crockpots. When she doesn't fit, she'll glare at me like it's MY fault she's too fat for this world (nevermind the fact that she has an expensive cat bed that she refuses to go near).

When she exhausts all possible nap spots, Lola will inevitably crawl under the carpet and lie in wait for me to walk by, at which point she'll sink her claws into my ankle as punishment for not accomodating her totally reasonable fetish for napping in awkward places.

But of course, the moment I stop paying attention to her is when she decides she must have my undivided attention.

My dog is the one who may have drunk antifreeze. My cat, Maxwell, was smart as a whip. He was about 17 when he went into a very slow renal failure. In his last few months, he started pissing outside his litter box—-on the floor, on the bathmat, on plastic bags, on clothing that didn’t quite make it to the hamper, and most notably on the kitchen table.

One afternoon, we reached a new low. My smart dog, my stupid dog, my cat, and I were in a pile on the couch, as we are wont to be, a mélange of the limbs, heads, torsos, and tails of three species. Maxwell stood up, shimmied backward a little bit, and peed directly on my stupid dog’s face. My stupid dog only sort of noticed.

Oh my god! I have been saying the exact same thing about those commercials since they came out. I refuse to buy it just incase it DOES have Acid or whatever in it. My cats are bat-shit crazy as it is. They don't need the help.

Allie can't draw. I was too distracted by the poor art to read the story, so I really couldn't care about her. Adam rocks. I lol'd. I'm so glad you did more on Lola. My cat will do the same thing to me when I'm studying.

Oh, good grief...this reminds me of a pet cockatiel I had that ate lead paint chips, and just......was not right........for lack of a better phrase.....afterwards! I loved that stupid, sweet bird!!! Your stories are always so great!!!

The first blog of yours I read was of your cat Lola and since then I've been hooked. I love your cartoons and you always give me a little laugh.

As a former cat owner whose cat died from ingesting anti-freeze, Lola always makes me laugh and think of my own cat.

Even though she was never as eccentric as Lola, she did have a talent for popping up in front of computer screens and during video game battles and she never failed to do something random or borderline insane to keep me entertained :-)

I love Lola. When I get a cat I hope it's one of those quirky ones like her. I loved her "high" look. But the poor duck!My cat walks across my keyboard and sends emails to people. I think she's a secret spy sending encoded messages.

I really appreciate the way you write about your cat. It breaks my heart when I hear about the antifreeze, but she seems happy and that's all that matters. I had a cat from when I was 12 or 13. She had a nasty seizure and died a year ago. I'll never stop missing her.

This was awesome! That commercial is strange. Who's their market...cats who want adventure and might be channel surfing or sad cat owners who want to give their cat opportunities through mid-priced food brands?

Side note: see if your cat goes crazy for strawberries. My cat does. I did a bit of research and found that they are related to catnip. I brought some strawberries home wrapped in cellophane and found my cat hardcore face-rubbing all up in those berries. Creepy. But maybe that would be a more appropriate high for Lola instead of full-on catnip.

OMFG I could NOT stop laughing at the frames with Lola sticking her head around your DS and meowing. My cat does that ALL THE TIME when I'm trying to play important video games. Srsly I'm still loling.

We think our cat drank some anti-freeze as well, as a kitten. We found her near a car repair shop and quite quickly, we've found she's pretty strange. She chortles instead of meowing; she'll hiss at you instead of meowing (or hiss at nothing in particular), after which, she'll get this confused look on her face, as though she meant to say something else.

I really enjoyed this post. You write about this topic very well. There are many cherished moments in life, why not wear a beautiful dress! When looking back on special memories of your child wearing a gorgeous dress, it will make a fond memory.

That was HILARIOUS. I'm so printing the last portion out for my boyfriend because that's literally what happens everytime he gets really into his Xbox. My cat never cuddles, but will literally crawl in his arms and lay out like a baby mewing for attention lol. Cats are so freakin funny - gotta luv em. Keep the humor coming!

hahaha my dog acts the same way. hes kinda slow too no anti freeze just kinda not all there. but he sleeps anywhere and then will do the whole ok i want be petted NOW act like your cat does. very funny man keep it up

My cat is 11 and she is fat, black and retarded. She mentally damaged herself by running really hard into our kitchen walls as a kitten, but I just had to give her away and I am heart broken about it. I am living vicariously through you and your brain damaged cat. I kinda love it a lot.

Ohmygod this reminded me of my brother's cat, Ada, who is almost always high on catnip (we always hide the toy and she ALWAYS FINDS THAT THING) and she just kinda zooms around tearing up the carpet with her little kitty claws.Couldnt stop laughing at the laundry part.

Love your Lola stories. Love your blog in general -- very quippy and quirky, my kinda guy. Your readers' comments are funny, too, esp. the guy whose cat peed on his stupid dog's head. In general cats are superior to us all (with the exception of those impaired by ingesting antifreeze, of course). I'll keep coming back for more fun.

P.S. Put up just one tiny pic of yourself smiling, would ya?! I know you have all this mid-20's angst going on, but I can tell you're a fairly happy fella.

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Oh, poor Lola. It's not her fault you gave her a soft cat bed instead of something unique. How does she manage to put up with it ;-)Funny comics. I like the way she hides under the rug and grabs you when you pass.