News Just In ... Quickies* co-written by
Lee Barnett "Budgie"
and Kim Morrissey)

* Princess Margaret takes
part in an Antique Fair, and helps to raise several thousand pounds for charity
before bidders realise she isn't actually up for auction.

* Sainsburys agree
to change the packaging of their Classic Cola, saying they're tired of being
confused with the less popular brand.

* John Patten dismisses
the results of a survey that reveals that one in five students live in penury,
saying that there isnt even a university there.

VOICE1:

* Cadbury-Schweppes is
about to announce their bid to run the National Lottery.

VOICE2:

Yes, we've been running it with our vending machines for years.

* After Maxwell: the Musical
is banned, the promoter denies he intends to cut the song and dance and call
it : The Crook, The Thief, His Wife, and Our Money.

* After the European Union reveals plans to
ban 20% of British Beaches under hygiene regulations,
they deny that they intend to ban 90% of British bathers for the same reason.

* After the SUN is fined
£100,000 for printing the photograph of a suspected murderer, the editor
says they will publish all future murder suspects photos on page three -
to be certain no one looks at their faces.

* Hillary Clinton denies
rumours of White Water documents being destroyed, saying her accusers haven't
a shred of evidence.

The BBC apologise for repeating an entire segment of "Panorama" within the
program and assure viewers that such an error could never happen again. The
BBC apologise for repeating an entire segment of "Panorama" within the program
and assure viewers that such an error could never happen again.

CHILD

What did you do in The War, Daddy?

MAN

Oh, for goodness sakes, Amanda ....
How many times do I have to tell you, I'm only 29?

* After the Crown Prosecution Service publish
a new guide to the legal system in Plain English, it
is immediately attacked by the legal profession as unnecessary, referring
the public to the rule in Harbottle versus Lewis and section 124 of the Legal
affairs Act 1853 (footnote c).