Do You Love Your Love’s Loved Ones?

by Sophie on March 15, 2011

If you love someone, do you love the people they love?

If not, why not? Is it because you don’t love all aspects of your loved one? Or is it because you think your loved one’s love for these other individuals is dysfunctional? Do you think you love your loved one better by not embracing the people he or she loves?

What unfinished part of us gets triggered by the relationship our loved one has with those other people we don’t like or don’t love?

What would Amma, Jesus or Buddha have felt? have you thought about that? If we are all One, how can we not love our love’s loved ones?

What is the purpose of relationships if it’s not to create more love?

What do you think?

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I received this comment from a wonderful, brave female reader dealing with a tough real life situation:

Hi Sophie –
WOW — this one is a toughie for me. I have been remarried for a few years. My new husband has teenage children who live with their mom in another part of the country. Since his divorce from their Mom, his contact with them has been limited by court order to half of the vacations and some phone calls, making for a strained relationship that is dysfunctional I think. He seems to have become their “sugar daddy” in my view — buying them expensive gifts every summer like bicycles and go-carts!!
When I came onto the scene he asked me to help him be a good dad — so in my world that meant to love them — not spoil them. The kids don’t care much for me. One behaves in a mean and childish way and when confronted by his dad he openly admits he treats me like a “step parent” which in his world means he can do whatever he wants and the step parent has no recourse at all! He seems to despise me for having rules like a normal mom would.

That’s not my world ! I’m a good mom – I raised my own daughter to be a responsible and polite young woman who is a viable human being! She wasn’t spoiled as a kid (I don’t think) and she learned how to respect elders and mind her manners. These kids don’t have that and have absolutely no desire to learn! So it’s not that I don’t love them — I just don’t have much of any feeling for them at all, but what I do have is a complete distaste for their behavior.

The sad part is my husband doesn’t believe me when I tell him that they are purposefully disrespectful to me. So then, I have resentment toward my husband and his kids ! I know I shouldn’t take their behavior so personally — but I think they truly are trying to be mean to me and I don’t believe I should have to deal with it when I’m not mean to them – or for that matter – even have that much contact with them. Am I wrong — how?? I simply don’t know what to do — it’s putting a real strain on an already strained relationship.
Oh — then I feel guilty for standing up for myself !! Whew hew !!

I am very grateful for your comment. It sounds like a very difficult situation with a lot of heart ache!
I think in re-marriages we are often confronted with a part of our partner’s life that they have outgrown even though they are still dealing with its consequences. So it’s like having a foot in the present and a foot in their past.

If they are good, honest people, they will be doing their best to deal with the people they are still responsible for from their past and that is very much to their credit.
In your case it sounds like your husband has matured over the years and wants to do better now with you than he has in the past and really values your input, without wanting to antagonize his children or lose them altogether. Of course that’s a tough situation for him as well because it sounds like he does not have a great working relationship with their Mom. Ultimately, they are his kids and his relationship with them is part of his learning and his journey and the only person you can change is YOU so what I would look at from your point of view is: what is it about YOU that needed to attract this situation to grow and learn from it? What is YOUR juicy soul’s learning in all of this? How can you lovingly transcend the situation and not take it so personally, as you said yourself, and become the best you?

As usual, Sophie, you have given me some huge things to contemplate. I do think of what I’m supposed to learn from situations, but not what is it about me that I ATTRACTED this situation. I know people do that, but I guess I just didn’t put the pieces together for myself ! oops !! LOL
Your last question about how I can lovingly transcend the situation and NOT TAKE IT SO PERSONALLY really hit me hard – – because that’s what I do – – I do take things personally way too much and I don’t know why. I’ve looked in depth at my childhood and see no reason for it. The only thing I can figure is it’s a past life thing that I’ve drug along into this life. Is that possible?? I am trying to learn not to take things so personal, but it is so engrained that it’s very very difficult.
Then I have the thing of if I don’t take something personal then I don’t care! Is that weird?? It’s like if one of the kids does something very intentional to me and I don’t take it personal then I don’t care and that makes me a bad person. But I also struggle with the feeling guilty if I stand up for myself thing too !! What a vicious circle I seem to be in, however, I doubt I’m alone. Do I need a shrink?? LOL Some days I certainly believe I do !
If anyone has advice on how to straighten this dilemma of mine out I would be eternally grateful. Taking things personal takes a lot of energy and is very exhausting. I will send out my SOS to anyone who cares to respond. Thank you to each of you.