Cutting-edge razors cut to my core

The other day I received in the mail a small box that I wasn’t expecting and certainly didn’t pay for.

I think it was a free sample, something that one hardly ever finds in a mailbox anymore. But I figure this company could afford to send it because they’ve been finding other ways to fleece me for years.

Inside the box was a brand-new razor with one of those names that inspires you to either fly it, or use it to split an atom. You men know what I’m talking about -- Mach3 Turbo, Fusion Pro Glide Power, Quattro Titanium.

Somewhere in there is the notion that I’m merely supposed to slap foam on my face and shave off them pesky, little whiskers with a few simple strokes from a dumb razor.

But in this case, it’s not just one blade. It’s now up to five!

It’s as though all those clean shaves we men were getting with one, two, three and four blades were just an illusion. The sadistic razor companies prefer that we scrape off the epidermis and reduce our faces to one massive, bloody pulp.

I always thought the four-bladed razor worked something like a bobsled team. The first blade did all the work. The second blade sort of gave the unit a little brake and balance. And blades three and four were there to get the shave on track after a fast start.

But now there’s a fifth blade and I can’t figure for the life of me what that’s all about, unless it’s to scream “Abort!!” when you’ve left about a quarter-inch gash in your lower lip.

Now my grandfather was a reasonable man. He had some unusual eating habits sometimes and often told off-color stories. But he always was clean-shaven and without a hint of stubble, even when he went fishin’.

And miracle of miracles, he got that look while only using one lousy razor blade at a time. How that generation ever got by is still a mystery to me.

Of course, when there are more blades in a razor cartridge, it gives the razor companies another reason to charge higher prices. The cartridges for these new, five-bladed scratchers are going for more than $3.50 apiece, which is comparable to a gallon of gas. Hmmm, I wonder if OPEC is somehow in on this.

I know, I know. There are ways to get around this issue.

I could stretch the life of my razor until my face looks like it has the mange. I could grow a beard, but I’m predicting this inland summer will be like the Sahara at noon, so why invite misery? Or I could use an electric razor, but whenever I do, I feel my face and say, “And this is supposed to do what?”

So, this is a message to the razor companies. When it comes to your products, I am no longer going to be a typical male consumer. I am no longer going to spend money like a chimpanzee in a game of Monopoly. I am no longer going to pass up a chance to complain, even if I have to give up watching the third quarter of the Lakers vs. lowly Sacramento.