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I remember being a teenager. It was a strange period of time. I thought I knew everything, but really I hardly knew a thing. That's the thing about being a teenager, you're automatically a dickhead. So parents, leave their computer open on this page and allow me to do your job for you.

1. You're Stupid.

Teenagers think they know everything. It's part of being a teenager, or a woman. Here's the thing though young teen, you know fucking nothing. I remember when I was a teenager, which was sometime in 1956 or 1978 or 2000 depending on what I've been drinking, I wore stupid clothes, did stupid things and had stupid uninformed opinions. Now don't get me wrong, I still do all of those things, I am just completely aware of it now. Being a teenager is a difficult period, you're blissfully unaware how stupid you are, yet you have an undeserved sense of superiority. You need to accept that you are as stupid as fuck, the sooner you accept that the sooner you can grow up and stop being a sconner.​

2. You're Girl/Boyfriend Is Stupid.

You might think because they told their parents to fuck off and they suck cocks behind the chip shop they're cool. You might think because they don't bother studying and watch Geordie Shore they're amazing. Unfortunately the truth is, they're a fucking moron. They will waste your time and you will mope around for nothing. Take it from me, either smash slappers over the park with no emotional attachment, or stick to wanking. You don't need the hassle. That advice is gender neutral by the way. If any feminists want to make a complaint they can address them to the tip of my cock. ​

3. Your Parents Are Stupid.

You're reading this and saying "YES! I KNEW IT" It's true, they are. They're making that parenting shit up as they go along. Here's the thing though, they're not as stupid as you. They definitely are stupid, but you should still listen to them. They know more than you, they will stop you from making a cunt of yourself. Until you hit about 22 they definitely know if a bird or bloke is bad for you as well. Listen to them, because one day you will manage to elevate yourself to their level of stupidity and you will wish you had taken more notice.​

4. GCSEs Are Stupid.

It's all you hear from the age of 11 until you hit 16. Everyone banging on about them. About how important they are. Let me tell you a little secret. GCSEs are not important. If you fuck them up, you can redo them at college. There will be a college somewhere that will have you. Your life is not over. On the other side of the coin, if you get amazing results you are not set up for life. They are good for two things, getting you into a better college or stopping you from having to do stupid key skills tests on an apprenticeship. Here's what they are good for though. Teaching you to work hard. If you want to get the best grades you are capable of, you need to work hard. If you don't, you probably won't at college. If you work hard and achieve top bollocks grades, it should teach you that you need to keep it up if you want to keep getting those grades. If you don't get the grades you want but you worked hard, then you're probably thick, that just means you have got to get used to working hard, minimum wage jobs are hard work.​

5. Your Friends Are Stupid.

Don't listen to your friends. They're fucking idiots. They have stupid haircuts. Trainers that look like they were designed by Salvador Dali. Ridiculous wispy bum fluff beards. Those stupid strange pubes that aren't quite long enough to be curly, but are long enough to make it look like your crotch has been hanging around the floor of the barbers. Basically they look like cunts. That's not why they're stupid though, no they're stupid because they make you do stupid things. Like not letting that fat bird suck your cock. If you listen to your mates you will turn that blow job down. Like running on train tracks. If you listen to your mates you will risk electrocution. Like wearing that top that doesn't cover your tits completely. If you listen to your friends you need to show some cleavage, and you end up popping out at the bus stop. Your friends are the most stupid of all. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't have friends. You need them for when your stupid parents piss off your stupid girl/boyfriend and you need somewhere to live for a short 3 or 4 years, but for fucks sake pick them based on who is genuinely sound, and not on who is the best looking or coolest at school. That will mean fuck all when you grow up to be less stupid.