Category Archives: Banter

So our next favorite competition after the past Champions League, is finally here! Well almost…but Euro 2012 is going to anything and everything but boring (*knock on wood!*). We’ve got huge Germans to little Spaniards, to the divers of Italy, and the parkers of buses from England. Not to mention all the beautiful, talented, and rich people who will be going there—and by people we mean Cristiano Ronaldo. There’s a lot of stuff you can’t miss, so you better check out the schedule, stock up on your favorite R-OH beverage, and wait! While you wait, here are our predictions for the unknown winners….

(posted first in offsidehumor.tumblr.com but originally found on @kidnutella’s twitter)

What would happen if…

Netherlands won the EURO 2012: Robben’s ego will be the only one inflated and the rest would still be a little disappointed that they let the world cup slip through their hands.

Portugal won: Cristiano Ronaldo would be an even bigger man-whore.

Spain won: The El Clasicos would make even more money and probably escalate the rivalry until every manager would want nothing to do with it.

Germany won: No one would be really surprised. Except maybe Spain. and thomas muller

Sweden won: Zlatan Ibrahimovic would want his autobiography “I am Zlatan” to be read as a holy scripture

Italy won: all national teams would practice the art of diving

Greece won: Roman Abramovich would sell Chelsea and own Olympiacos and buy out C. Ronaldo, Iniesta/Xavi, Lionel Messi…and both Pep and Jose

Republic of Ireland: The entire UK will start, continue, and end their day with guinness.

England won: we would never hear the end of it and Wayne Rooney would probably off himself.

France won: the Irish would say they deserved it due to the result of Thierry Henry’s handball (his handball allowed France to qualify for the World Cup while Ireland drank themselves to death)

Ukraine won: Every country would want to host the Euros.

So there you have it! Any other predictions the comment box is right there.

Well it’s a new year and it has been officially named 2012! You know what that means–more matches, rivalries, idiotic decisions, and yup you guessed it–the dreaded winter transfer rumors/window. To spare you from reading more transfer rumors, like Fernando Torres moving to Barca (as if 2012 really is the year when the world ends…) or Barca making a bid for Fernando Torres…as if 2012 is the year when the world loses their minds, we’d like to present you New Years Resolutions!

Famous football New Years Resolution:

1.)Carlos Tevez- to stay at Man City and continue leeching off their money, or move to another team to leech off their money

2.)Zlatan Ibrohimovic- wants to make his book “I am Zlatan” as an official holy scripture

3.) Cristiano Ronaldo- learn how to spontaneously combust a specific unnamed player so he can finally be the best in the world (a pretty messi tactic but what can you do…)

4.)David Silva- wants to get a couple of centimeters shorter to finally fit into the “false 9” role in the Spanish NT

5.)Gareth Bale- learn Spanish for his “imminent move” to Barcelona

6.)Alexis Sanchez- wants to become a stand-up comedian so his team can understand his jokes better

7.)Xavi Hernandez-wants to move his head like an owl to truly have 360 degree view of the pitch

8.)Mario Balotelli- promises Mancini he will take Xanax (*fingers crossed*) to keep MCFC’s PR team form quitting

9.)van Persie- to convince himself that loyalty to a team is more important than titles

10.)Lionel Messi- to keep playing football in hopes for more lollipops from Pep

Let’s be honest. Most football players aren’t the brightest people on the planet. It’s perfectly fine considering they’re rich, famous, and talented. (I made sure not to add good looking, in fear of copyright infringement from CR7). So, because of those qualities they think they’re allowed to do anything they want. Ibrahimovic is no exception.

During yesterday’s Champions League match (Chelsea vs. KCR GenK) Fernando Torres displayed an exceptional performance that finally shut me and probably thousands up. Speculations of El Nino’s new and long awaited improved form was due to his teammate and certified Brazilian witchdoctor David Luiz. Luiz was probably desperate to get Torres into shape to finally equalize the transfer fee of Torres to Chelsea. This lead to a 5-0 trashing and an optimistic Torres. Now off to learn what secret chants Lionel Messi uses…

Meanwhile on the pitch of Camp Nou, Andres Iniesta further develops his telepathic ability by using a new partner Lionel Messi. Iniesta’s telepathic ability is starting to rival Villa’s ability to be offsides. Case and point, Iniesta’s telepathic connection with Xavi are to no one’s surprise (last years season provided more than enough evidence to make it a known fact). So while UEFA are still debating on whether to ban this 6th sense, Iniesta continues to make the impossible look impossibly easy.

T here’s a new force to be reckoned with in the footballing blogosphere, and it comes in the orange face of Cristiano Ronaldo. For those who are living under a rock, or just super ignorant when it comes to football, Cristiano Ronaldo found something new to whine about in his team Real Madrid. He claims that crowds boo him because..