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It has been two weeks since I’ve written anything in my “weekly” blog. I’ve had a few random, minor outbreaks of words since then, that might turn into future entries but nothing that seemed to want to grow just yet. I’ve decided to be okay with that and try again.

As I mentioned in my last post, I was feeling more than a little off two weeks ago after forgetting my meds for almost two days. I felt much more stable after a few days and am doing very well now. My life has been very full and uplifting since my last entry.

I just had a miserable experience this past weekend. I had forgotten to take my medications for a day and a half before I realized why I was feeling so awful. It’s never a good idea to go cold turkey with these psychiatric meds. By the time I took them, I was hurting all over, really suffering with anxiety, and had a solid fear of going insane. By that time I was sure I couldn’t exist like this and would rather die. I’ve spent too much time with suicidal thinking and I wasn’t going there, so I really had no choice other than to wait until the meds took effect.

I've got music in my brain – something deeper than having music on my mind. I'm told that having a regular music practice is literally changing the structure and the operation of my brain. My experience tells me that it's true. I've been changed by music since I joined the band, Soulful Noize.

In my second blog post, “Getting Back Up”, I had mentioned the importance of music to my ongoing recovery from the fallout of my last manic episode and the crash into depression that came after the mania. Now I want to tell you more about the role that music has played.

Confusion and anxiety feel like predators circling around a campfire, waiting to close in on me. I try to keep the fire of my creative urge going but I've been struggling. I can't seem to think straight or write clearly without endless editing. I have to choose which of my swirling thoughts to grab onto. Then I need to hold it long enough to work through the process of expressing in words that which flies through my mind in an instant. Then more and more editing...

There it is again: a blank page. Just like last time. There is something intimidating about an empty page. I started my last post talking about that too – that I could fill the space with anything I choose to write. Yet sometimes having too many decisions to make, or too broad a task to do, or too many choices available can be overwhelming. I expect that others find the same thing, but I seem to hit that point more quickly than most.

It was a nice day for early October and I was riding my bicycle on the way home when suddenly my head was bouncing off the hood of a truck that drove into me. I hit the ground and lay there, unable to think or do anything but yell out in pain. The next thing I knew there were voices above me asking if was okay. I opened my eyes and realized where I was and what had happened. (Hmm... brain seems to work... good sign!)

I was born at an early age and I found it to be a bewildering experience. Now, 58 years later, I'm still working at getting over the confusion. I suppose that's part of what I'm up to in this blog. Sometimes I'm not sure what I think until I write it out. Sometimes I feel the need to sort out and resolve incomplete processes from the past. Sometimes I just want to have fun though.

There's all kinds of reasons to write, but why make the process public?