Our story last left off on our lovely, and not strenuous at all, hike through the Muir Woods. As unnecessary as our athletic attire was for the walk, it was even more unnecessary for our next great feat: Tartine Bakery. At least once in your life, you need to take the time to hit up Tartine, fill up a shopping bag with $30 of sandwiches and pastries for just yourself and head over to the highest point of Delores Park to meet your gluttonous fate. It is there you will have a grand panorama of the city as well as a grand panorama of the certifiable ecosystem of weirdness contained in the park.

Notable characters included:

a mime in training

a man walking laps in a Speedo

two gigantic untethered parrots
(whose owner didn’t get enough attention as a child)

After ample lounging/bloating, we went to 826 Valencia—Pirate Supply Store. In my head, I anticipated it to be something like a pirate-themed party supply store, which sounded all right but maybe not worth getting up from the park blanket for. Oh honey, no. Let’s just say if you ever need a $299 hook to replace your hand, this is where you go. While you’re tickling your pirate funny bone, rest easy knowing proceeds go to a non-profit center for kids who can’t read good.

Booty

Shortly thereafter, I expressed my desire to see the Full House house and the Mrs. Doubtfire house which Ellen immediately and brilliantly twisted into us Doubtfiring ourselves in front of the Mrs. Doubtfire house. Fast forward to us buying three cans of whipped cream at the grocery store as well as some paper towels for clean up because we are responsible adults. Fast forward again to finding a stranger on the streets to take a video of us doing this:

Eat your heart out, Robin Williams.

That night, nestled amidst a patch of classy looking strip clubs, we ate seafood at Sotto Mare in a we-put-you-in-the-basement-to-dine-because-we-are-ashamed-of-you type scenario. Then we went to a champagne bar appropriately named The Bubble Lounge whose twinkly vibe matched the innocent twinkle in our eyes. “Bring on the Fizzy Lifting Drinks,” we all thought simultaneously. However, there was no lounging to be had despite there being a handful of unoccupied couch clusters- we were yet again deemed unworthy by staff and found ourselves ushered into their empty basement with LED lights and a sad DJ playing that Pharrell song.

After our little basement double down, we were feeling that Lady San Francisco was giving us the cold shoulder, with heads hung and our feet kicking pebbles, we crossed the threshold into Chinatown and were welcomed with open arms into a bar that was jammed to the gills and only served drinks that came in plastic Dixie cups. Here, we learned the ways of the Chinese Mai Tai and before you know it, no one could find me. That is, until the chanting of my new group of friends gave away my location. I was found in good company, wearing someone else’s scarf that had touched the floor a bunch of times.

This is probably definitely the place.

Other trip highlights:

1.) Hiking Yoga: even though no amount of breakfast could save Sara from the revenge of the Chinese Mai Tais, the rest of the gang continued on to do some urban hiking mixed with yoga stretching in picturesque spots throughout the city.

Sans Sara, but still fabulous. Namaste.

2.) Sausalito: where we dined on goat cheese fritters with apple, roasted beets, mixed greens and vanilla bean vinaigrette at the Barrel House Tavern. Is anyone else drooling on their home row keys right now?