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Our Community is Our Family

In tragedy, families pull together. Not only families by blood, but families formed of a mutual love for something or someplace. My family is formed of people who dance, and specifically, people who dance at Borderline Bar and Grill.

By the time you’re reading this, a few weeks will have passed since the terrible tragedy which shook our home to it’s very foundation. And perhaps it’s for the best that I schedule my posts 2-3 weeks ahead these days. When this publishes, services will have been held, good-byes will have been said, and displaced dancers, with the help of an amazingly supportive community will have found temporary places to gather, dance, and do what we do best; hug each other, not only with our arms but with our hearts.

Too Many Internalize Their Pain Until They Explode

I’ve been through my share of tragedies over the years; some personal, others affecting my community. I’ve learned healing is more profound, more deep-set when the process is shared with others. I learned the hard way that internalizing pain makes it fester and grow until it eventually comes out in an explosion, and for some, with disastrous consequences.

Our world is home to far too many lonely, broken people and their pain turns to anger and hate when the media continually spews angry and false messages from every orifice. I can see how someone who is already despondent and alone can be stirred to acts of violence. They know it won’t assuage their pain or their feelings of disonnectedness, but they lash out in the only way they know how. Such was likely the case for the young man who killed 12 people he probably didn’t even know on November 7, 2018 in the quiet little town of Thousand Oaks, California.

I’m torn between anger at the way he invaded our home and took lives he had no right to take, and compassion for someone who was so desperately unhappy, so alone that the hate-filled messages spewing from media, both traditional and social fueled a fire inside him that deadened his already dysfunctional moral compass. He is just one more symptom of a society that is severely broken; that neglects those who need our care and compassion the most.

Sometimes, We Simply Have To Be There For Our Family

I don’t have any answers right now. The pain so many of my friends and family are feeling is often overwhelming to me, as it is to the rest of the Empaths and HSP’s around here. We have, not only the murders in our own home to process, but loss of life and property from two wildfires which began before the dust could clear, or the murder investigation finish. Many of my extended family were displaced, albeit temporarily. Some may have lost their homes. We’ve all been affected, either by being evacuated, or taking someone in.

The common thread, though, is keeping everyone together. Several Facebook groups have sprung up, a number of group messages are alive and well, text messages are burning up the phone lines. In short, we’re all reaching out to each other in this time of pain and confusion because it’s what families and communities do.

Connection Is a Learned Skill

I understand to some extent how many feel disconnected because I was one of them not long ago. Connecting with other people is a scary proposition when you’re used to living behind mile-high walls and wearing masks to cover up your true feelings. Admitting you’re not strong enough to handle all of life’s challenges alone is terrifying because you have no idea how people will react. You expect ridicule, abuse, and humiliation rather than love, compassion, understanding, and support, so you don’t reach out.

I’m one of the lucky ones. Something, or in truth, a lot of someone’s managed to detach me from the death grip I had on my walls and showed me my worst fears would not come to pass. I found love, compassion, and common ground from people who, themselves, had faced their own challenges. I learned none of us have storybook lives. We all have to face things which test our strength, and learn those challenges are more easy to face when we have a support system to hold us up when our strength falters.

Without a support system; a community it’s easier to entrench ourselves in a sea of misery than to reach out and get smacked down for our efforts. Unfortunately, in that place of despair, we often attract those who aren’t kind or caring. Our worst fears are realized because we attract others who are angry and displaced, and who are looking for someone or something to take their pain out on.

Communities Supporting Other Communities

Though I wasn’t directly affected by the fires or the shooting, the outpouring of support I received from many directions was both unexpected and heartwarming. Even now, as services, fund raisers, and vigils are held for the victims and the survivors, and I’m overwhelmed by heavy emotions on all sides, that support system I’m still somewhat amazed to find is there when I flounder.

Above all, the despair, discouragement, and depression I suffered in my 40’s and part of my 50’s has become a land I remember with no fondness, and where I have no desire to return. Not only have I opened my own heart to many, I’ve been privileged to have many hearts open to me as well.

I find myself wishing at times I’d figured all this out sooner. Yet I know I figured it out at exactly the right time. I had to have those experiences; some of them rather horrific, in order to be absolutely certain I’d do whatever it took to avoid returning to the sad, disconnected, angry woman I once was. If nothing else, I prefer the people I attract these days, and the ability to recognize the occasional narcissist who wanders into range, and detach before he/she gains a foothold to suck my soul energy as I allowed too many times before. I’ve learned I owe it, not only to myself, but to my extended family to be strong and whole; able to be part of a synergy which receives when they need it and gives back when they don’t.

Receiving vs. Taking

That’s pretty much the key. Learning to receive rather than take. It’s a concept I struggled with for a long

time because I didn’t understand there was a difference. But there definitely is. We receive when we are an integral part of a cycle; a kind of chain. Sometimes we’re the giver and others, by receiving, they allow us to give. But we must also reverse our position at times without feeling we’re taking advantage of the givers. We’re simply part of a balanced relationship where everyone feels appreciated, respected, and most of all, cherished.

I cannot properly express how grateful I am to be part of this loving, synergistic family and community. It’s one of the rare occasions when words fail me, and only heartfelt hugs can communicate what I feel.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, ghostwriter, and advocate for cats. Sheri believes in the Laws , of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author or in her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward.

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Everyone Needs a Community

I’ve talked a lot about Community in the last few months, mostly because, until recently, I believed to the depths of my soul I didn’t need one. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth, but I was raised to believe the only way to be truly independent was to depend on myself and no one else. Above all, I should never ask for help.

In the realm of self-limiting beliefs, that one is, if not at the top of the list, it’s pretty darn near. Without other people, we severely limit our progress to our own knowledge and abilities.

It doesn’t matter if your community is purely social like the dance community is for me. Within any community are people and resources, or connections to people and resources who can help you over a mountain you don’t have the skills or ability to climb alone. They become your climbing team as you scale personal mountains which rival the height and challenges of a trek up Everest. Without the leg up your community provides, you’d be either stuck at the bottom trying to get a foothold, or down some crevasse with no one to toss a rope and pull you out.

Lack of Community Equals Lack of Growth

We limit ourselves when we choose not to reach out. Yes, I said “choose”, because asking for help truly is a choice, and one I eschewed for years in my mistaken belief it was a sign of weakness. I’ve learned the strongest people I know didn’t reach their levels of fulfillment and success alone. Those who have, or claim they have stand on shaky ground and spend an inordinate amount of time trying to shore up their position. The trouble is, without a community, a team, their building materials are faulty and will ultimately fail them; typically at the most inopportune time possible.

Admittedly, going from isolated, half blind hermit to contributing member of a community hasn’t happened over night, nor have I fully embraced the concept of asking for help. I often dismiss suggestions about selling my services, for instance, without considering them from all sides. I still think, though I have no physical evidence to support my claim, that I’m doing things the best way possible for my beliefs and temperament.

There are those in my community who may actually have some ideas to increase my odds of success. But I have to stop asking “why?” and start asking “why not?”. What do I have to lose in considering their suggestions? Instead of dismissing them out of hand, how can I modify them so they work for me?

Communities Offer a Choice of Seeds

I talked recently about planting seeds instead of beating people over the head with ideas which run counter to their own. There are times I need to wake up and pay attention to my own words. Being a part of a community means (at least if you’ve found one which aligns with your own values) you’re offered a wide array of seeds to choose from. Your best option isn’t always the one that looks the prettiest and yields your favorite fruit. It might be the one that makes you cringe a little, forcing you to look behind the veil you’ve thrown over things that scare you.

I don’t mean leaping off cliffs or walking through fire scare you. It’s more about taking a few steps in a direction you feel you’re not prepared to walk; a direction which requires skills you haven’t yet learned to trust, but which will, given the chance, stand up to the test, even if part of the journey is spent tempering them so they’ll withstand the weight you put on them as you move further into the new path.

Support May Take the Form of a Kick in the Butt

The right community will provide both support and a kick out of your comfy nest, sometimes in equal parts. In others, you’ll feel like the football in a 40 yard field goal, flying through the air, praying you’ll fly gracefully between the arches and land safely on the other side. In those moments, it’s easy to forget your community will be on the other side, if not to catch you, at least to lead your bruised and battered self off the field for some much-needed R & R until you’re ready to launch again.

Can you get all the support you need, as well as the opportunity to support others within a single community? Perhaps. But I’m also learning in order to attract all of the people, skills, and opportunities you need to fulfill your hopes and dreams (assuming you’re willing to subject yourself to a few baptisms by fire, of course), you need different communities. Each serves a different purpose and brings unique skill-sets to your table, while offering both the support and the blunt, butt-kicking honesty you need to kick that rut some call a comfort zone to the curb.

If One is Good, Two or Three is Exponentially Better

At the moment, I see 3 very distinct communities in my life which are all doing their best to propel me into the life I envision. The first is the one which allows me to be my plain, unadorned self, and actually have physical and energetic contact with other humans; my dance family. The other 2 are online, and to date, I’ve yet to meet anyone in person. It doesn’t make them any less effective. They serve a different purpose. One is the #Heartfelt community, and especially, Linda Clay. The other is Landon Porter’s #GorillaArmy (Getting Clients without being Sales-y). He’s created a boot camp he calls the Treasure Hunt which is full of actionable ideas to, quite bluntly, get off your butt and grow your business. I’ve been through it once, and am getting ready to go through it again.

Communities of One Count Too

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention a number of individuals who don’t fit into any of my communities, but are, maybe a community of their own. One is, of course, my daughter Heather. She has been encouraging me for years, but inspires me with her actions more than anything. She has become somewhat of a hero to me for so many reasons.

The second is my oldest (as in years known) friend. We met in elementary school, and when my family moved, so did hers, putting is into the same High School. We weren’t especially close most of those years, but she is a HUGE reality check for me more often than not, and does one heck of a job kicking my butt when I need it.

Lighting the Way

In truth, when we open ourselves up to the benefits of belonging to a community, it opens our eyes to how many people have been lurking in shadows of our own making, possibly for decades. They’ve waited patiently for us to realize they’re encouraging us silently until we allow them to be more open about it, allow ourselves to receive instead of always giving.

As usual, this post has taken on a life of it’s own and gone in a direction I hadn’t intended when I started. As always, I trust it’s the direction it was meant to take, and know the side roads are not a detour, but a course adjustment.

We all need a reminder now and then to not only recognize our communities, but to appreciate and be grateful for all they offer. The give as well as the take. The support as well as the chance to support others. A network of people, skills, and knowledge we could never achieve on our own. Not least of all is the limitless opportunity to climb as many increasingly treacherous mountains as we want, provided we’re willing to be kicked out of our nest time and time again by our loving, supportive family.

And Always Being Grateful

My gratitudes today are:

I am grateful for the people who have supported me for years, waiting patiently for me to both acknowledge and appreciate their support, but also to do something with it. Heather, Candy, Joleen, Lorna, Anne, just to name a few. There are truly so many I’m overwhelmed and can’t always comprehend the magnitude of my support system.

I am grateful for inspiration which is continuing to keep me, albeit barely, two weeks ahead on my blog posts. I look forward to expanding my “lead” in the next few weeks.

I am grateful for lessons I’ve learned which make me less fearful of stepping into uncharted territory.

I am grateful for the people who continue coming into my life as I rip away layers of protection I’m finally learning weren’t protecting me at all, but were holding me back.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, Virtual Assistant and advocate for cats. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. She specializes in creating content that helps entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author