Charlie Sheen's dog keels over from malnutrition and neglect. Lady Gaga gets diamonds and a sex doll for her birthday. Kanye's new girlfriend is Pharrell's niece. Beyonce fires her dad. Tuesday gossip has a body count.

Yesterday, Charlie Sheentweeted that ex-wife Denise Richards is a dog thief: "We must bombard with Warlock Napalm, that traitor and loser whore #DUH-neese POOR-ARD. A VILE KIDNAPPER AND NOW DOG THIEF. HATE." But Denise says Charlie is a dog abuser: After hearing a rumor that Charlie was neglecting the pugs they shared during their marriage, Denise reportedly removed them from Charlie's custody. One pug immediately keeled over and died from malnutrition. The other pug is recuperating, and Denise refuses to give it back. The dogs were Denise's before they were Charlie's, which means they are at least 9 years old. Apparently Charlie kept them after the divorce "so the kids could play with them when they visited." Between threatening to kill one ex and giving a dead dog to another ex, maybe Charlie can revive his career with a live-action version of Fear? [@CharlieSheen, TMZ, Celebitchy, image via Splash]

Meanwhile, sales for Sheen's "Violent Torpedo of Truth" stage tour are lagging, and Charlie can't get a hotel reservation for the life of him, because everyone's too afraid of scandal. "He is now looking at renting a private residence." [P6, NYPost]

Guess sent out a press release about Lady Gaga shopping at their store in regular human clothing, only to retract the claim—turns out it was just an impersonator, and a kind of crappy impersonator at that. (Gaga would never have roots like that, and the boobs are all wrong.) Fake Gaga also got a bunch of free meals and posed for pictures with fans in Miami. [NYM, P6]

The real Lady Gaga got diamonds and a custom-made sex doll for her 25th birthday. [ShowBizSpy]

Foxy Brown got kicked off a Royal Caribbean cruise for "going ballistic" over a missed manicure appointment. Apparently Foxy was a paid performer on the ship! I would not ride a cruise boat to watch Foxy Brown rap, but I might ride on one to watch her attempt to murder a manicurist. [TMZ]

Rihanna pioneers jegging sparkle loincloth wedgie couture on the cover of Rolling Stone. Hers is the first loincloth wedgie in the history of humankind. (Usually loincloths are crotchless, right?) [Rolling Stone]

Lindsay "Lindsay" Lohan exited Samantha Ronson's house at 4AM last night with an "I Love You" teddy bear in her arms. [X17]

All three girls in a videotapedTeen Mom brawl have been charged with crimes and face a maximum of 60 days in jail. The district attorney's attempt to ban them from public life forever has unfortunately fallen apart. [TMZ]

High-brow scandal: Did Natalie Portman's Black Swan body double do 95% ofher dancing? Low-brow scandal: Did Natalie Portman's Your Highness butt double ruin our chance to see NaPo's bare buns? A Belfast newspaper profiled the face behind Natalie's bare butt. Disturbing, because until now we thought we were ogling Natalie's buns in that weird movie with James Franco has long hair! But fear not, butt fiends: Film Drunk reports that the image at left is 100% pure Natalie. The image at right is her Belfast butt double, necessary for butt-endangering stunts like diving into freezing cold Irish lakes. [Film Drunk]

Rob Lowe: "Tom Cruise is like a robot" with "bloodless focus, an intensity that I've never encountered before." The statement then cuts off, as a bright beam of light descends onto Rob Lowe's home. Blinking and confused, he walks toward it, and finds himself floating towards a giant chrome orb hovering above the Hollywood Scientology Center. [VanityFair]

Lorenzo Lamas got a lap dance at his bachelor party, and there are pictures, and while they are pretty boring, I feel it necessary to link to them, in the interest of leaked sexy picture gender equality. Male fameballs ("maimballs") have yet to break the glass ceiling of sexy picture scandals. [TMZ]

Jessica Simpson and her fiance "might elope." Or they might not. Whatevs. [Us]

Kanye West's rumored new girlfriend is 20-year-old Teyana Taylor. According to Wikipedia, she is Pharrell's niece; has a song called Google Me; had an episode of My Super Sweet 16; choreographed Beyonce's Ring the Alarm video; used to date an NBA player; and will appear in Madea's Big Happy Family. Dating Kanye is the last item on her MTV rising star scavenger hunt. [AllHipHop, TeyanaTaylorOnline]