The MILF Era Is Over

People disagree on where the acronym MILF originated. Some claim they knew it as far back as the '80s. The term really dropped into mainstream lingo in 1999 with the movie American Pie and the infamous Stifler's Mom. That means it has had a strong 10-year run; it’s been milked dry; its teat spurts only bitter powder (I could go on and on here).

You may as well still be saying, “As if!” or “All that and a bag of chips.” However, the term and the concept need to be shot and fed to schoolchildren as "mystery meat."

This realization truly hit me when I attended the IFC's Hottest Rocker Mom Contest Finals. When the Independent Film Channel began in 1994, I’m sure the last thing the founders thought they would be promoting is adult women pretending to be teen tramps. The IFC had a clear dream of bringing art films and Harvey Keitel’s bare ass to the populace.

Under the harsh noon sun, five mothers presented themselves without Photoshop or lighting effects. The judges, which included parody-embracing Sebastian Bach, all did their best to act like frat boys at a wet T-shirt contest. But even Bach’s falsetto slumped as the contestants competed by dancing to Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me.” Bike messengers and bums gathered in New York’s Madison Square Park to watch, but none of them catcalled. That’s a real first for New Yorkers, proving they’re over moms acting like daughters.

The low point came during one of the lead contestant’s dance numbers. She was wearing an outfit tailored for Groupie Barbie, and gave the judges a spread-eagle crotch shot to show off her panties. Unfortunately, something extra popped out and the judge announced they saw her tampon string. Had this happened to a college coed, everyone would have laughed and pretended to be grossed out. However, an odd hush fell upon everyone, as if all of them were remembering the time they first found their mom’s tampons and realized their mom still had reproductive organs.

When can hot older women go back to being seductresses like Sophia Loren and Anne Bancroft? And I mean hot sophisticated females that intimidate young men, not cater to them by pretending to be in their generation. MILF culture has brought us regrettably the phenomenon of MILF porn, the phrase: “Show me where the baby feeds,” and Sarah Palin. Let’s get a new term, like “BOIRS” (Business Owner I’d Respectfully Seduce), MICF (Matrons I’d Cat-sit For) or 3B (Baby Boomer Beauties). Send "MILF" to the "bro culture" retirement home (oh, and take "Cougars" with it).