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DYK: During the early years of The Simpsons, a popular recurring gag involved Bart making prank calls to Moe’s Tavern, inspired by the Tube Bar prank calls. The calls usually followed a set pattern: Bart would ask for a person, Moe would shout loudly for the person Bart asked for, and Moe would catch on only after the bar (usually) erupts in uproarious laughter, also threatening violent revenge upon catching the perpetrator (“You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I’m going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!”).

We’ve put together a collection of 10 of the strangest facts we can find, with the kind help of cosmologist and writer Marcus Chown, author of We Need To Talk About Kelvin, and an assortment of Twitter users. The 10 weirdest physics facts, from relativity to quantum physics {Read on}

In high school (sophomore year) there was a skinny, awkward kid (we’ll call him Alex) who always got picked on by a popular kid (we’ll call him Bryan). Alex didn’t have many friends, but he and I were on speaking terms and I was always friendly. Bryan would constantly egg Alex on, and would never leave him alone. Alex would try to study, Bryan would be loud, mean and obnoxious. Unfortunately for Alex, we all got put into study hall together in the school auditorium. One day, as usual, Alex was sitting next to me, trying to study. Bryan sits down next to him and starts annoying him- ALEX!!! WOAH MAN, WHAT’S UP, What are you doing this weekend, any parties?! (always sarcastically, and while shaking Alex by the shoulder).

One day, I suppose Alex had enough. I was doing my math homework with one of those translucent mechanical pencils with the white tip, but was distracted by Bryan. Alex turned to me and asked if he could borrow my pencil. I gave it to him, and maybe 2 seconds after he took it out of my hand, he sunk it (about 3/4 of an inch) into the soft spot behind Bryan’s collar bone, between his collar bone and shoulder, towards the back. Bryan started screaming in horror, the study hall erupted into chaos. Not knowing exactly what had been going on (nobody would have expected this from Alex), the monitor of the study hall calmed everyone down, and told them to go to the nurse and principal’s office. They were walking out one behind the other and Alex says “oh wait, Falconk- your pen!” and yanks it out of Bryan’s shoulder. NOBODY ever fucked with Alex ever again.

*

Last year, there was this kid who didn’t have many friends, so he would go to movies/lunch/etc. with his mom. He seemed nice, so did his mom. It wasn’t like a, “Oh my god I can’t spend a second without my mommy” type thing, it was more of that he considered his mom his friend. Anyways, this group of kids always made fun of him for it. They skateboarded a lot, sometimes at school they would start skating in a circle around him calling him a faggot and stuff. So one day, I’m at the local ice cream place with my own mom, and he’s there with his mom too. I didn’t talk to him or anything, just said hi. When they were ready to leave, he and his mom got in their car. She was parked up against the sidewalk. and this was a thin sidewalk, like maybe three feet wide between the buildings and the road. The kids who called him a faggot were skating along the sidewalk, in a line. He was sitting in the car, just anticipating for them to come. Right before they passed the car, he opened his door. The first kid smacked into it, fell flat on his back while the skateboard went under the door and kept rolling. The rest of them fell off their skateboards as they tried to avoid hitting each other. They were all bruised up badly, from what I saw. Then I saw the kid high-fiving his mom before they sped away.

It was fucking awesome.

*

Not personally, but I was witness to an awesome moment.

While I was an ESL teacher in Japan I sometimes assisted with a lower-level class. The kids were either slightly developmentally delayed, or else had behavioural problems – not a good mix. One morning one kid (behaviour probs) was tormenting the boy in front of him by shoving him hard in the shoulder whenever the teacher looked away. I was standing there fretting over whether or not to intervene (as a foreigner and lowly assistant I had zero power in the school), when suddenly my coworker turned around.

She stalked over to the bully and suddenly punched him in the shoulder. Hard. “How do you like it?” she asked, and then punched him again, harder. “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!” She punched him twice more, with real force, and then went back to the front to finish the lesson.

They have different rules about corporal punishment there.

*

One time in HS, a group of my friends and I were sitting at the lunch table playing a game of chess. Along comes a group of football players, one in particular liked to pick on us. He reaches across the table and flips the game board, then he chuckles about it. I mumbled to a friend that was a dick move. This player hears that, turns around and slams his hands on the table. Get in my face to ask me what I just said. I told him I thought what he just did was a dick move. His reply was “what are you going to do about it?” I replied “this” and plunged a pencil into his hand, between the thumb and index finger. The guy howled in pain and then started like he was going to punch me. One of my friends yelled “duck!” and next thing I see was a lunch tray being swung at the football player’s face. The tray hits him in the face, he falls back onto another table and flips it over. The captain of the football team steps in, looks over at us, then looks over at the other player and then says “man, the chess club just fucked you up.” That guy had to have 6 stitches for his hand and his nose was broken from the tray. He received a suspension and had to sit out 2 games. My friend and I received suspensions, too. But ours were nullified because the principal didn’t like the head football coach very much. The principal liked doing things to upset the coach whenever he could.

*

When I was around 6 or 7 my parents put me in some arts and crafts program during the summer break at my elementary school. There were these two kids that also attended that would fuck with me every single day.

One day, after putting up with a ton of their shit, we were making something for our parents, but I don’t remember what it was exactly. I do however remember that we were using very large bottles of glue for the project. I happened to be sitting next to one of the bully kids and we were sharing the same glue. As you can guess, I unscrewed the top of the glue and left it there for him. When he finally used the glue, it covered his project, part of the table, and the floor.

*

I had one involving glue when I was around 6 too. There was this bitch that sat behind me in grade 1 who came from a very right family and made sure everyone knew it. My dad was a carpenter and my mom was unemployed, living in a community of probably 500 or so – so we weren’t the wealthiest people around. Anyways, this girl was spoiled rotten and didn’t like that all the boys were my friends. She used to grab handfuls of my long, curly hair and yank it (I was never very girly but very proud of my hair when the teacher wasn’t looking- my mom spent every night french braiding it so it was pretty). Anyways, I was sort of teachers pet because she thought I was so cute and knew my parents fairly well, and my teacher never paid much attention if I stuck around after everyone else was gone out for recess, lunch or after school. One day I stuck around and glued EVERYTHING that the little bitch owned to her desk and the floor, and glued every single page of her workbook together. ‘Indoor’ shoes to the floor, pencils and crayons to the desk, everything. She cried and cried the next day, not understanding who could do something like that to her. It’s not like everything stuck – but it did make quite a mess. I think I filled her shoes too, but I can’t remember. No one everr suspected me, and it went away. I wish I had a picture of myself to post to prove I was pretty much the cutest kid in the class. I’m really not just trying to say I’m cute! Unfortunately I didn’t stay the same way through puberty 😦

*

There was a gang of bullies early on in grade school who used to pick on me and my friends. They used to take advantage of our quite sensitive attitudes by trying to humiliate us as much as possible. Honestly I didn’t know how to react at first because I was never grown up to be violent, but thanks to these assholes, me and my friends found something inside of us that was pretty damn epic at the time.

One day outside on recess, the gang (4 guys) came up to me and my friends (3 of us) with a plan to make us fight them (this was rough bullying, not just taunting and teasing), their plan was to humiliate us in front of a group of girls we were talking to. I had 2 South Korean friends who were very quite and myself an immigrant from Sweden to Canada, the bullies were a mix of Serbian and German. They came directly at me first starting to spit in my face and literally slap me. After 5 seconds of trying to block these pussy slaps, I blocked 1 and punched him directly in the face, the fucker started started crying in front of everyone. The other 3 bullies ran towards me… Then out of nowhere one of my south korean friends kicked one of the guys in the side of the face (yes, his leg extended like fucking bruce lee, I didn’t know until that day that he had a room decorated with some korean karate competition shit). My other friend jumped on 1 of them and we slowly started taking all of them to the ground.

I’ll never forget this scene. It was straight out of a fucking western movie: 3 quite good guys suddenly coming out of their shell to deliver a can of whoop ass to a bunch of deushbags, except we were too young to get laid after that heroic ass kicking infront of the girls. Our time came though.