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Is Online Dating Different for Men and Women?

Do women have it a lot easier than men, and do hot people in general have it the easiest? I know what you might be thinking: yes and yes. It’s hardly the unsolved question of the century.

However, it’s always good to back up hypotheses with facts, and that’s what Jon Millward did with this experiment, posted on his eponymous blog. Millward created 10 fake OKCupid profiles with similar sounding usernames, with the same written profile, personal stats, level of education, etc. The only difference? Each account had a different photo of a man or woman of varying attractiveness.

In online dating, we have the “perception of choice”, but not actual choice itself.

What he discovered isn’t particularly revelatory, but it does echo something I’ve said here repeatedly about online dating – we have the “perception of choice”, but not actual choice itself.
“The expanded horizons offered by online dating don’t equal unrestricted access to a ready and waiting list of beautiful people. Every man and woman online still has criteria that must be met by people who want to date him or her, and every guy and girl is still in direct competition with every other person of their gender… Whereas before a man just needed to be the best looking guy at work to get a date with a colleague, now he needed to be in the top 10% of all men to get a date with one of the women in his city.”

This is the double-edged sword of online dating. You have far more access to singles than ever before. But so does everyone else. Which means that there’s also far more COMPETITION.

Especially when it comes to men trying to write to women. For all the talk about “The End of Men” and how gender roles have been obliterated and women can write to men first, blahblahblah, here’s what ACTUALLY happened after four months:

• The women as a group received over 20 times more messages than the men.

• The two most attractive women received 83% of all messages.

• The two most attractive women probably would have received several thousand more if their inboxes hadn’t have reached maximum capacity.

• It took 2 months, 13 days for the most popular woman’s inbox to fill up. At the current rate it would take the most popular man 2.3 years to fill up his.

And what do men write? Well, you’ve seen this a few times before:

“Most men compliment the attractive women a lot, they make reference to something in the woman’s profile (you would not believe how many times men mentioned the party tricks and ‘Arrow’ the cheetah from the generic profile I wrote), or they ask a general question about travel or something equally boring.”

What SHOULD he write instead? In case it’s not obvious: Demonstrate creativity, intelligence and a great sense of humour

• Be totally different to anything she may have received before
• Be obviously unique and not a cut-and-paste job
• Show that I’ve read her profile and absorbed facts about her
• Not be needy!

I have dedicated an entire volume of my bestselling audio series, Finding the One Online to how to write emails just like this.

Online dating may be a jungle, but it’s a jungle with a LOT of single people, so it’s best to learn how to master the process.

As a woman, your takeaway is that while you may get frustrated at the lack of quality responses, put yourself in a man’s shoes. He has no idea what to write in his first email to you, and he’s competing with hundreds of men for your attention. Be patient, write a better profile, and learn not to get so frustrated with men, and you can enjoy online dating a lot more.

As a man, your takeaway is that the competition is fierce, and thus far, you have not been up to it. Stop blaming Match or women or your city for your failures and learn to market yourself more effectively.

Comments:

61

Tim

When you say that initial stages of dating are easier for women, it also means women generally have way more dating options than men. It would only take some common sense to realize how its an advantage to anyone interested in relationships.

By dating more people you get yourself in a better position to narrow down your preferences regarding the type of partner you want. You can better able to determine what sort of a person would be most compatible with you… sexually, emotionally and in other aspects. Its like test driving several cars before buying one, as opposed to buying the first one that’s offered.

Having a lot of convenient dating options also means you can start dating and begin new relationships very soon after breaking up. You won’t have to wait for years before another opportunity comes up. You won’t have to worry about long periods loneliness and sexual frustration. A person with very few options would be more reluctant to end a relationship they’re not satisfied with.

I think ATTRACTIVE women have more dating options than attractive men. I think average women don’t have the options you’re talking about.

So, if you’re not getting the responses you like are you sure that you’re playing in your league with the women you want to date?

I mean if 1000 men are contacting the same “10” women (all 50, let’s say) unless YOU are in the top 50 amongst those 1000 men in status (women value status more than looks, but being good looking to boot won’t hurt ya) — Maybe you need to play in your league more. Like be open to at least dating your age (if not a few years above it) and not cap it at 5 years younger than yourself.

I don’t date online, but reading from women who do, it seems an extraordinary number of men won’t even date women THEIR OWN AGE never mind above their ages. If you’re really looking for relationships and not “just sex” then broadening YOUR dating pool by accepting “average” women whom you’re attacted to within a reasonable age to your own would probably double your options.

That said, you do sound embittered. Just as men can usually figure out a woman “with baggage” women can sense embitterment in men. If you carry around this sense of injustice it’s bound to come across when you least want it to.

Anyway, if online dating ISN’T going well, maybe you should try IRL dating. Take up a hobby that you are TRULY interested in that has a side benefit of having a lot of women, maybe cooking? Horseback riding? Dancing? If you don’t meet datable women there, you might be able to make good friends with women who are willing to introduce you to THEIR single friends. And if that doesn’t work, if you’re enjoying the hobby, you’ll have a new skill to be proud of.

@Tim…in regards to what I posted previously at #47,there ARE attractive women who get NO attention online. Women who are sophisticated, in shape, intelligent, kind. Please incorporate their experiences into your perception of how supposedly easy ALL women have it online. It might mitigate a bit of your frustration. ALL women don’t have it easy, maybe just the ones you exclusively pursue. Some have it just as hard as any given guy, even if they are attractive.

@Stepha if there are attractive women online getting no attention then they are obviously not selling themselves very well. Might I suggest to anyone who is attractive and struggling to look into Evan’s advice and possibly purchase Finding the One Online or becoming a FOCUS or Inner Circle client.

Julia, the only way I could sell myself better online is if I changed my race to white. Which I could do on my profile so I would come up in most men’s searches, but I have a feeling something would give me away like, the fact that I’m not really white.

I re-wrote my profile per EMK’s advice (Why he Disappeared & Finding the One Online) and I must say it has made a HUGE difference. Not necessarily in the # of responses, but in the quality of responses.
My profile wall of men who “connected” with me (ie: winked, e-mailed, viewed my profile or liked a pic) used to look like the wall of a post office. Now HIGHER QUALITY men are contacting me, thanks to my profile make over. I am not a super model, “hot” or a “10” by any means (more cute in a girl next door way), I am over 50 and separated, not divorced. Initially, I was surprised that ANYONE would contact me, but with the right marketing, it is starting to happen, and I am hopeful that I can that eventually the right man will what he is looking for and it will be ME !

Stepha 67
I don’t know what its like for a woman of color in the online world The most attractive black women I know date outside their race so Im not sure if thats your choice or not. I wonder if it would be better to date on a race specific site ?
I read that women wearing the color red are rated more attractive by men I also read that men prefer a smiling headshot with face and eyes directed right into camera. I would think a woman of color with a fantastic headshot and body shot by a good photographer with good lighting would set you apart as unique and gorgeous amongst a sea of people who look alike and average. Is that not so???
Im from CA so understand it may be different in other states

I’m not white. The only time I felt it counted against me was when I tried speed dating. I mindlessly ticked the “any race” box. But after the event, when I checked the profiles of the men, I saw that a few had ticked “white” only. It’s stark when you see it like that, but there are people everywhere who do have preferences re race. It’s just that online you can see it. In the street, or at a party, no one would be proclaiming “whites only”. They just wouldn’t approach you, some other guys would be talking to you, you wouldn’t even know you’d been “rejected”, though it’s hardly rejection when you don’t know him from Adam.
Don’t be discouraged and do make the most of your presentation online. Unless you’re 28 yr old, slim

73 ctd, sorry, technical hitch..
white, with long hair, pretty, not divorced, with no kids, and a nice job, there are men who will pass you over for someone younger, slimmer etc. and even if you are that girl, there are men who go for blondes, brunettes, boobs, whatever, that you don’t have.
I guess someone who looks like Alek Wek for example isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Too dark, too tall, too skinny. But she is beautiful and I’ve no doubt she would find someone. She might not got a gazillion winks and it might take a little longer but it would happen.
It may still be worth an overhaul of your profile, photos and online tactics. It’s down to marketing yourself, and I’m sure there are ways to do that which the ordinary person would not be aware of.

@Kathleen, you can’t know anything about a life that you do not live.
Stepha doesn’t need you toe “explain” anything to her. And actually women of all levels of attractive date outside the race. It’s not as if you need to be Naomi Campbell to get a white man, since most white men aren’t gorgeous in the same way that most people in general are not gorgeous.
What Stepha is referring to is the fact that men will exclude her from search no matter how good her profile and pictures are. She might as well be 60 or something else that people exclude for being less than ideal.
They won’t see her lovely face or pictures, and many men exclude “black” when listing racial preferences, and as someone who has been messaged by people like that, I ignore them. It signifies a lot of problematic ideas that they have about black women and I certainly do not care if they think I’m some rare black unicorn who is worthy of their attention. That’s gross and untrue.
I have no idea what her preferences are, but the playing field is not the same at all, and she has controlled what she can and as she mentioned, she cannot change herself to white.
I’m not even going to bother getting into what happens on “black only” sites or sites where the men are looking for interracial matches…
Back to the original point, online dating is different for men and women, and it is also very different for minority women and it is also different for minority women of different races, so the experience an Asian woman has is nothing like what a Black woman has, and so on. And it’s not as simple as black and white in terms of who you should approach and where you can find him.

@Nicole. Your obliviousness shocks me. Look up the OK Cupid info graphics on race. They’ve been more brave than any other dating site in honestly addressing disparities in dating success between the races. Black women are the LEAST sought after online, and the LEAST responded to when we write messages. We are the only race of women that can cruise profiles on Match and routinely see men check off every racial box except black on their racial interest list. I don’t begrudge anyone their racial preferences, I’m not mad that most white men are not interested in a black woman, I just wish people would be more honest about the harsh online dating reality out there for men and women who are not considered ideal in this society because of their race.
@Kathleen. I do date outside of my race. I’m in my late 20’s and I used to model. My profile is professionally written, I have a range of attractive pictures, some professional, some candid. If I’m lucky, I get 1-2 messages on OKc every 2-3 MONTHS.

@Stepha, I am a black woman too.
And I know what you experience, and all of that. So yeah, I get it, and people assume we are the ones being closed minded but people will just put it out there online (but it won’t stop them from contacting you-and I don’t mean that in a good way. It just shocks me when some man who puts White only or everything but Black still has the nerve to send a message).
1990’s Nia Long wouldn’t get a lot of emails on OK Cupid…

And I don’t even know what to say regarding the comment that “all of the attractive black women date white men” as if it’s something black women aspire to…as if a white man picking you means you are the best of the best.

Nicole 79
my intent wasn’t to offend you My intent was to encourage so Im sorry that you are offended I was asking for clarification since I understood there was some frustration about not getting any attention
I didnt grow up in America. Your assumption that I think white men are something to aspire to is incorrect. I was thinking in terms of expanding choices
my comment said ” The most attractive black women I know date outside their race so Im not sure if thats your choice or not.” This was based on friends I know who wanted to expand their options. You changed my statement.

Kathleen,
Sorry, but your comment that the most attractive black women you know date outside their race is still in offensive territory. Because it implies that unattractive black women can only date inside their race, as though that’s a bad thing. And by whom’s standard of beauty are you judging attractiveness? The Eurocentric standard? For what’s its worth what many black men find attractive almost flies in the face of society’s standards. That’s not to say that some aren’t still colorstruck though.

For the record, I have dated outside of my race (black), but my preference is to date black men.

i used to live in CA and let me tell you it was like the ninth circle of HELL dating-wise. I cannot tell you how many black men would just come right out and admit that they didn’t date black women. I’d travel home to the East Coast and get hit on all the time. It was so frustrating.

When I lost my job and had to move back East due to my new offers it was the BEST thing that ever happened to me. Moving to the DC area opened up so many possibilities. I used Evan’s e-cyrano service and the pics service and had dates set up the first week I ended up on match. I even posted the pics on FB and had a guy friend trying to get at me from those. My best friend’s husband showed my pics to a work colleague and we’ve been talking/dating since January.

For all the sistas out there, please try Evan’s services, both the pics one and the profile writing one. They work. And if you live in a place hostile to black women socially (like the West coast), please consider moving to the East Coast and most especially the DMV area. It has the highest concentration of professional and educated black people in the country. And there are people of other races here too who seem open to dating black women.
The dating world can be really tough for women of color. It just means we have to take Evan’s advice even more seriously to maximize our results. Whereas other women might just be able to change up some pics or adjust their profile, some of us may have to consider moving to up our date ability quotient.

Also, when I took my pics, I had them done outside. The photographer didn’t touch them up at look actual. Natural lighting and a good photographer a a great combo.

Phoenics
Again my intent wasn’t to imply anything other than options to expand choices. Stepha had used the word attractiveness and that is what I referenced Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I consider some of the black women friends I have to be some of the most stunning women around . They told me that they dated outside their race because they had more options. One got married to a white guy One had a long term Italian boyfriend . Sorry I offended you

@stepha @Pheonics makes a good point. I am a white woman but I have many black female friends who date online. They are attractive, educated, young and get more messages than you describe. Could the problem be your geographical location? I know the uphill battle both black woman and asian men fave online and being that you are young, moving in order to be in a better place to find a mate might be of value. The DC area, Atlanta, Philadelphia, NYC metro are all areas with large populations of all kinds of men and people tend to be much more open-minded. I would also urge you to open up your pool of men you initially write to. Men might mark “white only” but they see a stunning beauty writing them are well crafted message, they will probably respond.

@Phoenics, you summed things up beautifully. I unfortunately landed on the West Coast for work and yes, it is the ninth circle of hell for black women socially. Many men of all races don’t date and have never dated black women, including the black men, and like you, when I’m in the Midwest, South, or East Coast, I get hit on. I have the option of ignoring men. Of all colors, and without being Naomi Campbell. Ditto in Western Europe (mostly in France or Italy).
Men seem to be heavily influenced by their peers, so it’s interesting how in some parts of the country, men of all races will hit on you, and out here, even men who are my color will not.
Black women I know who grew up here said that until going to school or working on the East coast, many just thought this was the way the world worked everywhere. I have two who leaving here in the next two months. Both are natives, but yeah, one connected with a man on the East Coast and even if they break up, she’ll be able to date as much as she wants there.
The other is returning to the East Coast city where she went to college, and again, she had lots of options there and coming “home” has just been depressing and demoralizing, so she just called me to tell me she had moved up her move date by a month, and I do not blame her one bit.
I doubt Kathleen knows what it means to be colorstruck…non-black people in the US don’t understand that concept, although it does mean that most non-black people have no clue what black men find attractive since many will deviate from their supposed ideals if the women is light enough or non-black.
As you said, we can control what we can control, but I’m more likely to invest the money when I’m someplace where it will matter.

You said “Why are we supposed to pretend that the aim of all dating and sex is to find a lifelong, committed relationship and anything else is failure and meaningless?”

We aren’t pretending – but on this site, it’s the agreed-upon goal, so discussions are geared toward that goal.

If this was a PUA (pick-up artist) website, would it be surprising that everyone only talked about how to reach their goal of hooking up for the night, and disregarded advice about maintaining long-term relationships, or advice on finding “The One”?

This is merely the context of THIS site and its discussions – though your reminder that life is a journey is certainly useful and helpful as we often “lose the forest for the trees”.

@Kathleen I understood your intent and wasn’t offended. I live in NYC where the problem isn’t that I can’t date interracially, I can, the problem is that dates in general are hard to come by in a city like this were the gender ratio imbalance favors men – more women than men. I’m considering a move to Austin TX next year since it’s the kind of quirky, liberal city that might agree with my personality very well and might have more dating options for me in general.

@Julia, as I explained, there is no way I would write to a man who says “no black chicks” b/c he has already demonstrated that he has a lot of negative stereotypes about black women and it’s not a compliment if I’m somehow “special” enough to get a reply (or for him to contact me first). I’m guessing you are white and this isn’t something you can understand. And I’m okay with that, but don’t really need your advice on this subject.
If a man has his preferences spelled out and I do not fit them, I check off his profile so it doesn’t show up in my searches again. I’ve read too many of the male commenters here who are full of righteous indigination if someone who doesn’t match their preferences dares to “soil” their inboxes so I’m not going to waste my energy on someone who has decided they don’t want someone like me. I’ll focus on men that actually like black men. They are out there, just not where I currently live.
People’s racial attittudes are deeply ingrained and things get ugly with people who think you aren’t like the “other” black people and they’ll feel comfortable making racist comments in front of you. Hardly the markings of a good partner for a black woman who will give him black children.
A person who is really open-minded will either list everyone or no one, although a lot of the men who list no preference actually do have one. But they do at least have the sense to keep their options open, but like I said, if you meet someone who is mildly racist they’ll usually say something stupid early on so you know not to bother with them.
They ones with crazy ideas never fail to say something offensive in their first or second emails. It is uncanny.

Nicole I am white and can understand what you are saying
Heres another example I get contacted by guys who say in their profile ” If you are older than 50 do not even think of contacting me” Then they contact me and say Ill be an exception cause I don’t look 54. They say they don’t want to be contacted by someone who looks 54 ..So i say “well this IS what 54 looks like ….goodbye ”
The same thing happens with ultra religious guys who must have a god fearing woman and then they write to me saying religion is now not important ……
The way I see it all their qualifiers and criteria go out the window if they see someone they like. These guys are too unsophisticated to date
Stepha 86 Thanks Good luck with Austin

@ “Men might mark “white only” but they see a stunning beauty writing them are well crafted message, they will probably respond.”

Um, I’m not even sure if *I* would respond to a man whose profile says white only! Not to mention if it said “no (my ethnicity)” and then he’d write to me anyway, cuz stunning beauty! – no. nonono. He cannot accept what I am, he cannot accept my family or my heritage, what am I supposed to do with this guy? What will he do with me once my “stunning beauty” fades, and I’m still that same ethnicity? I totally understand what Nicole is saying.

I find it really sad that this still continues to be an issue in the 21st century. I know the majority of my generation is insanely xenophobic — almost every guy I dated, felt like he was reaching way outside of his comfort zone to date me, just because I’m not originally from here. I thought GenY did not have these issues, but here I see posts from people in their 20s saying that there’s the same damn thing going on. I hope at least my kids’ generation will be colorblind.

I think you all misread what I wrote, or rather that I wasn’t entirely clear. I guess Match asks racial preferences. If a man marks white as his preference you might still write him. If he wrote “whites only” in his actual profile then I would agree he’s racist. I’ve never used Match though, so I’m not sure if this is how it works.

The reality is if someone only searches “white” (or Asian or Latina) then they are missing you completely. I don’t think searching by racial preference means you are racist I think it just filters out plenty of women he might also be interested in. People don’t often know exactly what they want and a beautiful woman writing them will motivate to get to know women out of their typical comfort zone. Just like Evan tells us to get out of our comfort zone (like height preference)

I wouldn’t go out or respond to a guy who specifies, “No [fill in ethncity],” in his profile either since I know we aren’t a match just from that statement.

I have a tendency to not contact or reply to any man who has a profile that contains negatives of any kind – no drama, no women shorter 5′ 10″, etc — whatever it is. If a guy’s leading of with his “no” foot, then he’s probably got issues I don’t want to deal with anyway.

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