anthropomorphism: personifying or attributing human characteristics to an animal or other non-human being.
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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

my friend willie

here's the requested photo of my bud willie who has just adopted him a big-hearted naked ape of his own. good work willie!

here's my advice:

1) those big brown eyes are perfect for giving woeful looks at key moments when 1) you need belly rubs 2) you want a bite of that sandwich 3) when you've just been caught making a bed out of the dirty underwear you pulled out of the hamper. not that i've ever done that.

2) the naked apes will try to be tough and put you in your place like not letting you sleep on the bed, not letting you drool in their lap while they eat, or not letting you eat off of their plates. their steely resolve may be overcome but not with force. do not underestimate the power of a head hung slightly as if from sadness, or a well-placed sigh, or a small lick to the hand and a hopeful gaze up at them.

3) i understand you will be sharing your space with a goddamn cat. this is unfortunate but, frankly, you will have to tolerate said goddamn cat. this does not, however, mean, you have to like it. but instead of expressing your disdain openly, be sly. antagonize the cat by pretending you just want to "play." the naked ape will find this adorable, the goddamn cat will be appropriately bothered. steal the goddamn cat food whenever possible. drink from its bowl. occasionally nose through the litter. invade its space. cats hate that. and, of course, curl your cute little self up on your naked ape's lap and gaze blissfully (but slyly) at the goddamn cat who should, by this time, be appropriately deposed.

4) never forget--as much better as your life with the naked ape is, you've made an even greater improvement in hers. don't let 'em get complacent about the fabulous role you play in their life. frankly, we're miracle workers.