John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Many people struggle with their feelings about God following the death of someone important to them (Published 11-15-11)

Q:

My mother had Alzheimer’s for 15 yrs-she died recently from alleged complications from pneumonia. She was in the hospital for 5 weeks. I think she died from medical error Her death was horrific She suffered her last 2 weeks there. I prayed and begged God to take her and not let her suffer anymore. I am very disappointed/angry with god. 15 yrs of Alzheimer’s and then 5 weeks of pain and suffering at the end of her life. I can accept her death but not the way she died. God's plan for each of us is unknown to us, but what does the bible say about suffering? She had not enjoyed life as we know it for over 15 yrs. She never complained. I feel like she should not have suffered anymore She had served her time. I realize that you cannot explain God's ways, but can you help me move on? I'd like to go back to church with a clean healthy spirit.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Margaret,

We are very touched by your note.

Over the past 25 years, we’ve had had a tremendous amount of input from people who struggle with their feelings about God following the death of someone important to them. So much so that it is one of the primary reasons we asked our publisher to allow us to write a 20th Anniversary Edition of The Grief Recovery Handbook, in which we could address “Loss of Faith” as a major grief event.

We also were very affected by your last comment about wanting to go back to church with a clean healthy spirit.

Generally speaking, when people are disappointed with or angry at God, we suggest that the first thing they do is take the actions of Grief Recovery in relationship to their person who died – in this case, your mother. For many people, taking those actions is enough to allow their relationship with God to rectify itself without any other actions needed.

But, for some people, it's necessary to also take the actions of Grief Recovery in relationship to God, or to their clergy members, or church, in order to feel emotionally complete with any or all of those entities. The specific guidance about God, faith, clergy, and church are the basis of that new section in our book.

Recapping for you: We’d suggest you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of the The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. It would probably make sense for you to work on your relationship with your mother first. Then, if your relationship with God is not affected positively by that, to take those actions about God and faith.