Being Asian in the Modern World

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I had to cut off a friendship today. Trust me, it’s not always an easy decision but when that person doesn’t fit into your puzzle, then why try make that piece fit? I like to give people chances. Everyone deserves second chances, sometimes even third and fourth chances. I think it’s in our nature to forgive. I was faced with a difficult situation that was forgivable. I genuinely wanted my friend to seek professional help and recognise their wrong doings in this situation. I was willing to put aside anger and take them to get the help they needed. They sought help once… just once, and thought they were fine after that. Appearances would suggest everything was fine – obviously, this was not the case.

The reason I decided to part ways was because friendship takes two. To me friendship should flow naturally and yes, we go through our ups and downs, but it is also how we can overcome situations together that count. Understanding each other is imperative. When this fails, then the friendship follows suit. I tried to be there – that didn’t help. I tried to explain my feelings of the situation and why I felt the way I did – there wasn’t a true acknowledgement nor understanding. I tried to understand their questionable decisions out of concern – apparently it wasn’t my place to judge. We had lost our friendship and now we don’t really know each other.

What I learned today is that, not everyone is going to bring positivity in your life and maybe they aren’t meant to be part of YOUR bigger picture. You shouldn’t feel bad for the decisions YOU make that will make YOUR life better. Sometimes releasing that part of your life lifts a weight off your shoulders. I definitely feel better. Even though I wanted to forgive this friend, it became clear that this friendship just didn’t fit me. Maybe one day we may rekindle the spark we had and share the good memories, but either way, I’m happy if the friendship is there or not.

What to do with these feelings? They constantly consume me. I can’t think of anything else. How does one control them self? I feel sick to my stomach and yet excited at the same time.

I don’t know what the future will bring. I laid my cards out and I had some luck. Will my luck end or is it just beginning?

I bared my inner thoughts. I bared my inner feelings. I laid everything bare. It was raw and true. I have nothing to hide. I like the way I feel. It doesn’t make sense from the outside looking in. I know what I have experienced is real.

Will this be short lived? I’d like to think I arise from the mess I created. I was selfish in my own addiction. I wanted it. Sadly, I got what I wanted. All I’ve done is raise more questions into the unknown. It’s a waiting game – a game I’m not sure how long I will last.

Will I go all the way? Do I deserve to get what I want? How am I to know? It pains me to sit here alone with no answers. I am not forcing anything to happen. I want it to evolve naturally. I am willing to love but do I want it to escape my heart? Am I ready? I think I am.

They ask me what am I doing… I answer with “I don’t know”. Can morals ever over rule my feelings and desires? I wonder… I wonder if the decisions in this situation are right. Do I take the risk of liking someone with no definitive answer? Is their heart really occupied by another? Do they even feel for me?

I like knowing that my heart can feel again. Yes, in time of course it would. I am surprised at the time it decides to present itself. I am open to the possibilities. Maybe he’s not right for me. Maybe he’s only here to open my eyes to what could be. Being lustful, being playful, being care free – who doesn’t like being caught up in emotions and actions that lead to love and laughter.

Do I love him? Definitely not. Could I? That’s a ripe question that even I can’t guarantee. Throwing feelings out there is a chance. I’ve already taken the chance. Will anything eventuate? We shall see. I wonder if you can gaze into another persons’ eyes and you’ll just know that it’s right.Or maybe, you’ll just know that it’s all wrong. I wonder what our meeting will bring.

I hope that I’m not weak. I hope I won’t succumb to my devious heart. I want to be guided by my gut, following only my instincts – this is something I still need to learn. I hope he respects me. I hope he won’t mess with my mind. What am I getting myself into? The time is approaching, creeping up ever so slowly and though my heart tickles with excitement, reservation kicks in also.

Is it human nature to have expectations? Or is it just me? I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. But who does? So many questions…. Maybe I just like answers. Nothing wrong with wanting answers but then over analysis is my weakness. So here I am, letting it out of my mind. What will be, will be…