This is an online resource for the book The Teenager's Guide to the Real World
by Marshall Brain, ISBN 1-9657430-3-9. The online resources
are offered as a free supplement to the book. They help you access the
huge library of material for teenager's available on the Web. For more
information on the book please click here.

All the Phases of Teenage Relationships

Here at TG2RW Central, we read lots of letters from teenagers on the subject of relationships. You know how relationships are.... Most teenagers spend a bunch of time searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right. Or if not the "perfect partner", then at least someone to go out with on Saturday night in a comfortable way. Sometimes even that can be really, really hard. [Why is it so hard? See Chapter 10 of The Teenager's Guide to the Real World for some ideas.]

Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. Every single relationship is completely unique. The variations are seemingly infinite. After reading lots and lots of letters, however, you can begin to see certain patterns. The goal of this page is to show you all of the different places you can be on the relationship scale. This page lets you see where you are, and then gives you options and advice if you have a problem. If you have ideas and suggestions, this page also gives you a chance to submit them so that you can help other people.

If life were easy and understandable, here is how the perfect relationship would go:

You are on your own and feeling OK with yourself, but not really seeing anyone.

You meet someone you would like to get to know better.

The two of you decide to go out together.

You both have a really good time on your first date. You can't believe how much you have in common.

You go out again, and again it is great.

After going out together several times you both realize you have found someone special.

You fall in love and continue dating steadily.

You decide to get engaged.

You plan the wedding together and await the day.

You get married.

You live happily ever after.

As you know or are discovering, life is rarely easy or understandable. So things never seem to work out according to this list. There are lots of reasons why things don't work out this way very often. The most important one is that it is really hard for you to find someone who matches your habits, goals, dreams, desires and so on so closely that the two of you would want to spend your entire lives together. Also, as you go out with different people you learn and realize what you do and don't like. It sometimes takes a fair amount of experience to figure out what you like and dislike. For example, how do you know that you like certain breakfast cereals and dislike others? Because you tried them all at one time or another. It's the same way with relationships - you have to try out all different kinds of people to understand what your options are.

You have to expect that it's going to take a little work to find someone who matches you so closely you would be willing to make a lifelong commitment. You or the other person, at any step in all the steps above, may realize that things aren't working out. At that point you have to break up, and breaking up feels bad, so relationships are hard. On the other hand, all you have to do is find the right person just once and you are set for life.

The following table shows you a list of many of the different types of relationship successes and problems people have. See where you are, and click the button to get some ideas on what to do if you are having a problem.

You Are Alone

You are abjectly single. You aren't dating anyone and you have no one you would consider asking out.

You are not going out with anyone, but you have someone you would like to ask out, but you know if you ask that person out he/she would say, "No."

You asked someone out and you knew he/she would say no and he/she did in fact say no and you feel bad about it.

You are not going out with anyone, but you have someone you would like to ask out, and you are pretty sure they like you enough to say, "Yes".

You asked someone out and you though he/she would say yes but he/she in fact said no and you feel bad about it.

You are not going out with anyone, you may or may not have someone you would like to ask out, and there is someone who you would rather not go out with asking you out.

You are not going out with anyone, you may or may not have someone you would like to ask out, and your best friend is trying to set you up on a blind date.

You are not going out with anyone, you may or may not have someone you would like to ask out, and your mother or father is trying to set you up on a date with someone they know.

You are not going out with anyone, you may or may not have someone you would like to ask out, and there is someone who you would really like to go out with asking you out.

Have fun!

You Have Been Out With Someone Once

You have been out with someone once and you really want to see him or her again but he/she does not want to see you again.

You have been out with someone once but you never want to see him or her again.

You have been out with someone once but you never want to see him or her again and he or she keeps calling you.

You have been out with someone once and you really want to see him or her again and he/she wants to see you again.

Have fun!

You Have Been Out With Someone Two or Three Times

You have been out two or three times with someone and you really like him/her but he/she seems to not really like you.

You have been out two or three times with someone and he/she really likes you but you know it is time to end it.

You have been out two or three times with someone and you really do not like him/her and he/she seems to not really like you, but you seem to keep going out because neither of you has anyone else to go out with.

You have been out two or three times with someone and you really like him/her and he/she really likes you.

Have fun!

You Are Going Out Steadily

You are going out steadily with someone and you both really seem to be unhappy.

You are going out steadily with someone and he/she is giving off signals that he/she is unhappy.

You are going out steadily with someone and you think it is time to end it but you partner thinks everything is OK and has no idea what's about to hit him/her.

You are going out with someone you really like but all of a sudden this other person who you would rather go out with has started making it obvious he/she would like to go out with you.

You are going out with someone you sort of or don't really like and all of a sudden this other person who you would rather go out with has started making it obvious he/she would like to go out with you.

You are going out steadily with someone and you both really seem to be happy.

Have fun!

You Are Getting Engaged

You are a girl and you have been going out with a guy for a year or two and you think it is time to get engaged but you don't know how to move it along.

You are a girl and you have been going out with a guy for a year or two and you think it is time to get engaged but when you said something about it the guy told you it wasn't time yet, or he wasn't ready for that, or you were rushing things, or whatever. The guy wants to keep going out, however.

You are a girl and you have been going out with a guy for a year or two and you think it is time to get engaged but when you said something about it the guy dumped you.

You are a guy and you have been going out with a girl for a year or two and you think it is time to get engaged but when you gave her a ring she dumped you.

You are a guy and you have been going out with a girl for a year or two and you think it is time to get engaged but when you gave her a ring she asked for more time.

You are a guy and you asked a girl to marry you and you gave her the ring and she said, "YES!"

Congratulations!

You Are Engaged

You are happily engaged but you are starting to have second thoughts or get cold feet.

You are engaged but you are certain it was a mistake and it is time to end it but you are afraid you will hurt your fiancee.

You are engaged but you are certain it was a mistake and it is time to end it but it is only 2 days to the wedding.

You are happily engaged and you and your fiancée are happily planning the wedding.

Congratulations!

You Are Married

You are happily married.

Have fun!

You have been married two weeks and one or both of you know it was a mistake.

You have been married a few years and you have both gotten to know each other really well and you are more in love than ever.

Fantastic!

You have been married a few years and one or both of you is unhappy/bored.

You Are Having Problems

You were going out with someone steadily and all of a sudden he dumped you for no apparent reason.

You were going out with someone steadily and all of a sudden he dumped you for another person.

You are going out with someone steadily and he/she wants to start a sexual relationship and you don't.

You were going out with someone, you broke up with him or her, and he or she will not go away. He/she keeps bugging you to start going out again.

You were going out with someone, you broke up with him or her, and now you want him/her back and you don't know what will happen if you ask.

You were going out with someone, he/she broke up with you, and now he/she wants you back and you have no desire to get back together but the person keeps calling you.

You were going out with someone, he/she broke up with you, and now he/she wants you back and you want to get back together but you don't want to seem "easy" and you want the relationship to be different this time.

You are a guy and you have been going out with a girl for a year or two and you think it is time to get engaged and when you gave her the ring she took it but she doesn't wear it and she hasn't said yes.

You were engaged to someone and he/she broke it off for no apparent reason.

You were engaged to someone and he/she broke it off because he/she decided you weren't the right person to marry.

You were engaged to someone and he/she broke it off because he/she wants to marry another person.

Eventually you will find someone you would like to go out with. At that point all you can do is ask him or her out, or try to spend time with him or her to get to know him/her better in a softer way. There are lots of options: group activities, dances, talking in the hall, meeting at a game, etc. When you ask someone out, there is some probablility that the person will respond with "no." See the next section for more information.

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Read the previous section. After you read chapter 10 you will find that "No" doesn't really mean anything. But it will still feel bad, so all you can do is wait a week or two for the sting to go away and then try again. It might seem like the end of the world, especially if it is the first time or two you have asked someone out. Time can heal things like that. Good chapters to read in The Teenagers Guide to the Real World include chapters 9, 10, 11, 14, 15, 24 and 40.

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"Imagine that you have been going out with your girlfriend/boyfriend for a year. One day you notice that you are fighting a lot and there is distance growing between you that you do not understand. Several weeks later your girlfriend/boyfriend asks to stop seeing you, and you discover he or she is going out with someone else. Your girlfriend/boyfriend has dumped you for another man/woman! When you ask yourself, "What is my goal?" your mind answers, "To die!" It hurts so bad you cannot stand it. You feel like you have been betrayed, you know you have been completely rejected and humiliated and you do not understand how someone you were so in love with could do this to you. However, after thinking about it for several days, you realize your goal is, "To get past this and get on with my life." What are some of your options?

You can commit suicide.

You can find a handgun and plot to kill your boyfriend/girlfriend.

You can be incredibly depressed and droopy and hide for three months.

You can harass your old girlfriend/boyfriend with 700 phone calls a day pleading with her/him to take you back.

You can walk away from her/him and forget about it. There are, after all, other fish in the sea, and one day you will find someone better. You can also learn quite a bit from the experience.

The first two options are obviously useless and absurd, but it is interesting to lay them out as options so that you can reject them. The disadvantages associated with these two options are so huge that they are discarded immediately. Why would you want to screw up the rest of your life over this girl/guy? That is silly. The third option certainly is easy but has no benefits (see Chapter 15). The fourth one is common but pathetic. The fifth one has the most potential. What if you could actually do that? It would require a good bit of maturity and discipline. For the first week or two it might be very hard, but it is possible. If you could pull it off it would have a lot of benefits and no significant disadvantages. The question then becomes, "What can I do to help myself get past this and not wallow in self-pity?" There are a number of good options listed at the end of Chapter 40 (see also the article on confusion). You might also try talking with someone who has had a similar problem. They could give you advice and insight, and they can also help you gain perspective."

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Here is an example to help you understand Greener Grass Syndrome. Imagine the most incredible person you could go out with. Imagine the person who, if a genie granted you just one wish, you could go out with and marry. Imagine, for example, the most gorgeous/handsome movie star or rock star in the world. Let's say that you somehow started going out with this person. The first week would be great. The second week would be fantastic. The third week would be OK. But by the fourth week there would start to be some little things that bugged you. For example, the person might do something funny while eating scrambled eggs, or might always want to have his/her back scratched at really inconvenient times, or might not like your pet dog and want you to get rid of it. Whatever. The point is, no matter who you go out with, there will eventually be points of annoyance and conflict. No matter who you go out with, someone prettier/handsomer/smarter/stronger/more caring/etc. is going to come along. Your job in life, in conjunction with your partner, is to learn to deal with these normal human flaws that make all of us unique. That is part of becoming an adult. Either that or you will end up going out with a different person each month for the rest of your life.

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"A lot of really big things happen in your 20s. As you make the move from teenager to adult you will graduate from college, get your first real job, move out on your own, buy a car, buy a house, start paying taxes, get married, have kids and so on. If you are 15 years old now it is extremely likely that you will be a completely different person in 10 years. You will think about the world differently and you will care about different things. That is the reason why, for example, young marriages (people who get married at age 18) don't last. The two people who get married at age 18 are completely different people by age 25 and they no longer have anything in common. Try to keep this simple fact in mind as you are making decisions as a teenager:

YOU WILL BE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON IN 10 YEARS

Because of that fact, you should try to avoid making big decisions, like marriage, that lock you in to anything permanently."

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In The Teenager's Guide to the Real World there is a section on something called Buyer's Remorse. Buyer's remorse generally occurs right after you make a biggish purchase. You might get it right after signing the contract on a house or buying a car. All of a sudden your brain starts to work overtime trying to figure out all the reasons why you made a stupid decision. It is an amazingly common reaction.

That same sort of thing happens to a lot of people after they get engaged, and especially as the wedding day approaches. If you look at the section on Greener Grass Syndrome it talks about the difference between deciding that you should not marry this person and succumbing to a "better catch" that happens to make itself available. You have to decide which it is for you.

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See Breaking Up and Greener Grass Syndrome above. Breaking an engagement is a rather drastic step, especially as you get closer to the wedding. However, it would be better to break the engagement than to get married and have to break the marriage.

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