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eHarmony Etiquette 101!

By eHarmony Advice Host Kate

April 20, 2010

There are courtesies that apply for general dating endeavors, but some principles especially apply when using eHarmony because of its unique design. Here’s how to be a “courteous and humane” eHarmony match.

It seems that there’s confusion out there about what eHarmony matches may or may not owe each other during communications and withdrawals of communications.

There are courtesies that apply for general dating endeavors, but some principles especially apply when using eHarmony because of its unique design. Here’s how to be a “courteous and humane” eHarmony match.

GETTING TO KNOW MORE THAN ONE MATCH AT A TIME

Since match connections have the potential to unfold into long term relationships or permanent road blocks, it is acceptable and advisable to communicate or even date more than one person with one qualifier — that you let each candidate know that you are still getting to know others for as long as you are in contact with them. This will help clarify boundaries and expectations for you and your matches. Even though bringing it up can seem awkward, it’s a decent thing to do.

CLOSING MATCHES

Closing isn’t rude – not closing as soon as you decide you’re not going to pursue communication is. Closure is a kindness and a courtesy.

If you need time to respond because of uncertainty, anxiety, or busyness, instead of leaving them wondering, let all your matches know by writing a statement on your About Me page that you’re taking a short break and plan to return. If you’re waiting on some matches and moving forward with others – you may want to at least reach eHarmony Mail with the matches you’re less interested in to let them know that you need time to reply. If your interest level is minimal, you may even need to close then and there.

Anything is better than leaving someone hanging.

USE WHAT EHARMONY GIVES YOU

Anything the eHarmony interface provides for you to say to your match is fair game. So although some closed reasons aren’t popular or may not feel great to receive, they are all fair game as long as you have them to choose from.

However, “cheating” eHarmony’s system by sending an eHarmony Mail to insult a match before closing or by writing your contact information in code before reaching eHarmony mail in order to connect with matches is not fair, respectful, or safe for anyone. Respecting eHarmony’s boundaries conveys character and intentionality.

JUST HERE TO FIND FRIENDS, COMPANIONS, OR DATE CASUALLY?

Then you really should say so as soon as possible on your About Me page. eHarmony is a relationship search provider; it’s implicit in its design. Dating in the eHarmony context is considered a means to an end. Therefore, if you’re just looking for fun or new friends, it’s considerate to let your matches know up front before they invest time in communicating with you without shared goals.

COMMUNICATING/DATING OUTSIDE OF EHARMONY?

The more you’ve communicated with a match, the more potential for emotional attachment. The stakes are higher. Therefore, the more necessary clear communication and closure becomes. If “poofing” (disappearing on matches) wasn’t okay inside eHarmony’s interface, it’s less okay outside.

Some people may feel intimidated or a loss of control at this stage. But rattling off interview-style questions is no longer appropriate now that you’ve completed the system’s preselected questions. And you shouldn’t just “close out” someone with a few clicks.

Even though you’re seeking a long-term partner, keep in mind the value of getting to know someone regardless of where it may lead. Savor who that person is without trying to fit them in any contrived agenda. You have something to gain by getting to know them; you may have something to give.

When you realize there’s no long-term potential, don’t cave to that flight or fight instinct. Be brave. Letting someone know that you need to move on doesn’t require a fight. Just be kind, simple, and to the point. You are not responsible for their reaction or pain, but you are responsible to let them know that you wish to discontinue contact.

The eHarmony process implies that all matches will “be closed” but one. So if you tend toward feeling rejected, lean on not taking it personally. If you’re the kind of person who is looking under every rock for your match, remember that each stone you toss aside could be someone else’s gem.