Check eBay for golf gifts for duffers desperate to dump their dollars

Being a golfer means never having to worry about where your next check will go. Golf has more doodads and tchotchkes to make the mind boggle than any other sport.

And, while golfers will tend to pick up items on impulse, like, say, a whisk tee while at the pro shop, there is one place on this planet where a duffer can locate the oddest, most useless golf knickknacks: eBay.

Yes, at eBay, you can find just about anything golf-related that will be as much of an investment in the long run as using your hard-earned money to light someone else's cigar. But there are sellers hard at work trying to separate you from your cash with some of the most needless golf products imaginable.

eBay's golf products: The best of the worst

Wanna fool your friends? Once? Well, then the "Shatter Sports Window Decal 3-D Joke Golf Ball" is for you. New in the box and easy to attach to some unwitting sap's windshield, this trinket will make your pal feel as though a golf ball just blasted into his car. Or your pal will just wonder why you stuck a useless trinket on his car.

Enjoy things that make irritating noises? Then, the "Joking/Singing Chip Golf Bag" is just what you're after. Turn a switch on the bottom, and this 12-inch marvel of science will dance around, sing songs and mock you with such phrases as "Chip to the green, you hacker!" and "Oh great shot! Did you bring your hip waders?" It is guaranteed to give you literally moments of hilarity as you swiftly move to turn it off.

One item that seems to have actual value to people and can be found on auction by several different sellers is a "Golf Fanatic Groom & Bride Wedding Cake Top Topper." It's a bride-and-groom cake decoration, with the groom having his golf bag over his shoulder. It's a perfect gift for the golfer who really wasn't all that interested in getting married in the first place.

Other golf gadgets at eBay

Do you like birds? Do you like golf? Do you like gourd-shaped objects? The Two-Hole Golf Course Gourd Birdhouse or Decoration is the perfect item for you. This will give you and your favorite birds seconds of joy up until the point you slam it into the ground when you realize you just spent money on a Two-Hole Golf Course Gourd Birdhouse or Decoration.

If you enjoy a good massage, look elsewhere. But, if you even want golf involved when you're trying to get deep-tissue relaxation, the Motorized Vibrating Golf Ball Massager Body Health will do the trick, and will only run you five bucks or so, though, if you'd used that same money on beer, you'd be more relaxed and not have the thing cluttering up your closet.

Always forgetting to take your pills? You won't if you have a Golf Pill Case, which will keep your meds on your mind due to the fact you'll constantly be kicking yourself for buying it in the first place.

Finally, one of the things you'll notice at eBay is the tendency of sellers to stick the word "golf" in the description of any item. Take the "Buffalo scrotum bison golf ball bag gag gift sack" for example. The seller sticks "golf" in the title, though one would be hard-pressed to find an actual golf usage for the one-time container of bull manhood. How unique is it? Well, according to the seller it's "Very Unique" and "would make a great pencil holder."

Of course, like all the items listed above, you'd be right if you thought it was all a lot of bull.

May 2, 2007

William K. Wolfrum keeps one eye on the PGA Tour and another watching golf vacation hotspots and letting travelers in on the best place to vacation. You can follow him on Twitter @Wolfrum.

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