I’ve had anxiety and depression most of my life, on and off since I was around 10; and more and more frequently since my twenties (I’m almost 40 now). Right now it’s not the worst. But I would like to be dead.

Like I said, I’m not in the depths right now – but it’s been four years since I’ve really had much pleasure in my life. Â I can keep going – I’m productive, I’m pursuing things I used to love, and new things I might love now. I have a home, I have friends, I’m doing okay financially. But I am not even close to happy. Â And in a way, that’s worse than when the pain was more agonizing.

I just question why I should keep going. Why should I stay alive? I mean that question genuinely. Best I can figure, the reasons other people come up with is because things might get better; because life is of value; and because I’d cause other people pain if I died.

Well, things might get better. That’s true, of course. But they might not. They haven’t for years. Sure, I’m in much less pain; but it actually feels worse that the things I love don’t give me pleasure any more.Â Â And plenty of people don’t feel better.

Yeah, I could keep trying new medications, and maybe I’d find one that’d help. Or maybe not. I’ve been trying different medications for around 7 years now; some help more than others, though ironically I was never suicidal before I started taking them, and it’s definitely the case that some of the medications have made me more suicidal than I was before. What if I just don’t want to try or take any more pills? Does that make me weak, or a coward?

I’ve been in therapy for 15 years or so; with four different therapists. Has it helped? I don’t know. I know a lot more about myself. But I’m significantly less happy than I was before I started. Why should I keep going?

Many people say life is always of value: that I have a role to play no matter how small; that I am unique. But so what? Why can’t my role be over? I don’t really believe in God. Â But if I did, I’d think that God doesn’t make mistakes, and if God doesn’t make mistakes, then my desire to kill myself isn’t a mistake, and killing myself can’t be a mistake either.

Life doesn’t seem to me to be valuable in and of itself. Isn’t the point of it to be happy? Of course no one is happy all the time. But if someone is unhappy most of the time, isn’t it the generous and compassionate thing to put them out of their misery?

Causing other people pain: that seems like the best argument to me. I don’t want to cause others pain, particularly my folks. (I actually wish my parents were dead, because if they were, I wouldn’t feel any need to stay alive myself.) I keep reading on here that suicide is selfish. But why isn’t it selfish on the part of other people to want me to stay alive? Isn’t that other people wanting me to stay in pain so they don’t have to be? Why isn’t their argument that things might get better a way of justifying their own selfish desire to keep me around?

Sometimes I read that suicide is a bad idea because people who’ve tried to kill themselves often are glad afterwards they didn’t die. But that seems like a bad argument to me. A major predictor of a suicide attempt is a previous suicide attempt. So a lot of people who don’t die after an attempt still want to, enough that they keep trying. Who’s to say they’re wrong? Why can’t we make this choice, for ourselves, to put an end to a life that just isn’t what we want and hope and wish it to be?

7 Comments

Well, you seem like you have it all figured out. You may but you are very WRONG. Okay, so I don’t believe suicide is selfish either. How can it be? It’s your choice. But it is selfish to leave your death behind for people to cope with, while your dead and gone and no longer suffering. That’s not really fair. And why does it have to be selfish that people love you and want you to be around? Generally I think you find too many negatives in things. How about finding some more positives? Do something that will make your life happy? Go overseas and buy an asian spouse if that’s what would make you happy. Pack up all your things and move to a different country. Change the negative stuff in your life. I have severe anxiety and I had (had being the keyword there) severe depression. I took 360 something panadol and sleeping pills. Nearly died, but I didn’t because I wasn’t meant to. I decided to get off my medication, I stopped seeing a counsilar and you know what I am really happy now. I still have bad days but I am much stronger. I had to try though. I had to want to be happy too. You think that being nearly forty years of age you would have figured you had to stop feeling sorry for yourself one day. People tell you life can change, but the forget to tell you that you have to make an effort in order for it to happen. I hope you take my advice, and stop throwing your life away. There is still time to fix it.

I agree that it’s selfish to leave others to clean up my death. I agree that it’s not selfish that people love me – and they definitely want me to feel better.

I agree that I’m very negative. ‘Course, if I could just, as you say, find some more positives, I probably wouldn’t be depressed, hey?

What you don’t know is just how much I have made efforts to be happy. In the three and a half years since I hit my lowest low ever, one I haven’t climbed out of, I’ve managed, despite huge anxiety and misery, to direct five plays and a bunch of short films, leave a job I hated and find a new one that’s much better, make some new friends, take some workshops I’ve always wanted to take, learn to meditate, start a relationship, join a choir, start acting again, and heal my relationship with my parents by finally being completely honest with them about what I’m going through psychologically.

And you know what makes me want to kill myself more than anything? Is that this stuff hasn’t helped. The best I get is distracted, sometimes, from my misery. My ability to enjoy things seems to have been destroyed. So what’s the point in continuing?

So other than telling me to be more positive and stop feeling sorry for myself – any other bright ideas?

Hi,
You seem pretty smart man. And also suffering one.
What was the last time you were realy… hm, guess what? – Sad? Or afraid or disapointed by something, even by you? I mean real feelings – common, normal, average or humiliating ones?
That is the place to dig.

I think that’s a really great question, I appreciate it – I definitely can think too much.

That said, I’m in therapy where it’s all about feeling my feelings. I feel disappointed and sad a lot, and sometimes I cry a couple of times a day. Disappointment with myself – or maybe it’s anger at myself? – is something I feel like I live with almost constantly.

Hi there, thanks,
I can really relate to most of what you wrote. By no means was I to criticize you, from what you said it is clear that you tried hard and tried a lot of different things. A lot of therapy – and I can imagine endless analysis and effort and improved observation of yourself – different “disciplines” that you find unfulfiling in the end. Unfulfiling from simple goal of getting off misery and just feel OK.
I think even very good therapy is many times twofold – it really can really teach yourself to know yourself better but that skill of observing yourself can really interfere with feeling OK.

So enough thinking and back to my suggestion: I proposed trying to look for times or events when you last time felt what you would call real emotions – even if you find them now ridiculous, untrue or something like that. I mentioned negative feelings because looking for past feelings of happiness can realy interfere with wanting to feel good or happy now. Just go back to that times and feel what you feel. I mean it should not be so much of thinking and finding something out, but feelings.
I do not know what it will come from it.

It doesnt work
Im 14, therapy doesnt work
I’ve tried overdoes, cutting wrists
But when people try to help me
It makes things worse.
I want to end it, and when i hear people say they have ovrcome this feeling
i just dont understand it!
Why cant i just die?
How cam my body be taking all this
someone help me to die
Please.
When i go to school
All i hear is
“Just another emo”
Or “Why dont u cut ur throat this time”
Im not scared of dying
Im scared of goin through with it
So help me to die
Please

The only reason why other people say those things is because of their own insecurities..do u realize everyone has major problems..they just deal with them differently..like putting someone else down a level of power helps them feel powerful..so your on a greater level then them already…
wen I really realized that for myself it put a whole new perspective on things….I think about killing myself all the time…..wen I can’t handle something…a feeling…an emotion…having to do anything…effort..life…
but what the Fuck is the point in that..it doesn’t achieve anything!…

then I saw this site…its saddens me so much it brought me to tears to think that so many people feel that way and want to die…and so many people actually go through with it…
I’ve known friends who have killed themselves and its never a good thing for anybody…to think that person with so much to offer and could have felt happiness, just gave up…
for me the biggest reason I felt so disappointed about all of these people I’ve known to do it..I knew they could have been happy I knew they could have given so much to people and really made a difference I knew they had so much to offer they had something to say…they were all such unique people..they were better people then a lot of dickheads I’ve met who are so full of themselves and have no problem living…

You don’t need others approval to be content within yourself..

we are all the same…but we’re all unique..

we are the same in that everyone on the face of the earth has those very same thoughts and feelings..but we all also feel the opposite feelings u can’t have one without the other its just dispensing those feelings willingly..because its your choice to feel good and its your choice to feel shit..and if u can’t stop feeling shit then wait it out cos I garrantee something will change your mind and you’ll catch that good feeling even if its a small thing..usually its a small thing..

but we’re all unique in that we have our very own ideas and personality..
find yourself and find the role your here for…

seriously Beck your 14 their is so much more to life you haven’t experienced so so much happens in a short time..I’m turning 21 this September and I remember being 14 it feels literally like a life time ago and my world has changed dramatically my mind has changed immensely..’m a completely different person now then I was then..
I feel so accomplished just having made it to this point in my life..
I made it here..

their are so many people fighting for their lives who aren’t gonna make it..
young children who can’t say they made it..they have no choice…
you do..
make a difference instead..that’s what I live for…