New Fleet of Drones Expected to Improve U.S. National Team’s World Cup Chances

The U.S. men's national team got off to a terrible start in World Cup qualifying on Wednesday with a disappointing 2-1 loss to a poor Honduras team.

"We had a 1-0 lead but we gave them too many opportunities to get back in it," said U.S. head coach Jurgen Klinsmann. "We gave them too much space. Speaking of space, I just got word from President Obama that we will now be allowed to rain death from the sky. So, just throwing that out there to our future opponents."

The national team plays its next qualifying match on March 22nd against Costa Rica.

"The Costa Ricans play a good, fundamentally-sound style and we will have to be in our best form to beat them," said Klinsmann. "Also, their best player lives at 614 Tortuguero Boulevard outside of Limon. It's in a little clearing and shouldn't be hard to see from above, as long as its a day with minimal cloud cover. Saturday is supposed to be pretty clear there, I hear."

The president's approval of using drones for leveling the soccer playing field, or literally leveling the homes of opposing soccer players, comes in the wake of a leaked memo detailing the case for the president's nearly carte blanche ability to order the execution of those deemed threats to the United States without due process.

"I don't want to comment on what Jurgen Klinsmann said," White House press secretary Jay Carney said today. "But the president has really got into soccer lately. His daughters enjoyed the women's World Cup and hooked him on the sport, too. So I would just say to other soccer nations out there: the president is watching. And he has a nearly unlimited arsenal of death machines at his disposal. Draw your own conclusions from there. Again, I have no official comment."