From Don: Late March 2016. This has been a long time coming: bubbling along in the back of my mind for the entire three months we’ve been in San Miguel de Allende. Beautiful San Miguel de Allende. Alison and I had been feeling unwell and out of sorts for some months, needing to stop and stay somewhere warm for an extended period of time. I was moved to choose San Miguel de Allende, and found us what appeared to be a sweet little two-bedroom casita at a very reasonable price on Airbnb for a five-month stay from early January until the end of May 2016. Meanwhile Alison kept suggesting that we go back to La Manzanilla instead, because she had loved our previous long-stay at our friends’ casita in 2013. But I continued to push for SMA and she eventually agreed.

Alison has a much more developed aesthetic sensibility than me, and was therefore more horrified than me when she first saw the inside of our SMA casita. Even after she took most of the “artwork” off the walls and hid it in a storage cupboard she still found the place dark, cold, and ugly. Basically she hated the place and couldn’t let go of the idea of going to La Manzanilla. She was so distressed during our first week in SMA that I suggested we just cut our losses and go to La Manzanilla instead, but she said that this was not the answer, and that there was something for us in SMA, and that for me to change our plans just to try to make her happy was not a good enough reason. But she continued to hate the SMA casita and couldn’t seem to let go of the idea of going to La Manzanilla. The topic of going to La Manzanilla kept arising, and I just kept resisting it.

Meanwhile, despite multiple sessions with two very intuitive healers, Alison continued to experience severe joint and muscle pain in various areas of her body. Walking made the pain worse for her, so she ended up spending most of her days on the couch inside the hated casita. She also decided, at the recommendation of one of the healers, to gradually discontinue taking the two prescription medications she had been taking for many years to help relieve the symptoms of restless legs syndrome and sleep disturbance. Doing this led to a couple of weeks of sleeplessness and worsening mood. She would cry all night and part of the day. I became worried for her sanity, but as she said later, it was only by being willing to go so deep that she was able to heal some very old wounds. Even though I worried about Alison’s sanity I continued to resist going to La Manzanilla because I was enjoying my time in SMA: I was going to the same intuitive healers as Alison, plus I was going to a Pilates class twice a week and was enjoying walking around SMA taking in the beautiful old buildings. I would have been having a fine time were it not for feeling guilty and angry about Alison’s situation: guilty because I felt that I’d talked her into coming to SMA, and angry because she seemed unwilling to accept our situation here. Eventually when we talked openly about what was going on for each of us I learned that she had never felt coerced into coming to SMA, and that the emotional healing she had experienced had felt invaluable. So then I felt less guilty and less angry, but I was still reluctant to leave SMA for La Manzanilla.

Over time Alison came to accept staying in SMA until the end of May as originally planned. However when her other therapist suggested to Alison that she go to La Manzanilla all bets were off and we were back in the question once more.

It took me a while to come around but eventually I asked Alison to find out if the casita in La Manzanilla was available for April and May, and it was. So then we gave thirty days notice to Airbnb, as required by their long-term rental cancellation policy. The next thing we received was an invoice from Airbnb stating that we would be paying $275 more than the original agreed-upon total price for five months, even though we would now only be staying for three months. WTF?

I had an online chat with an Airbnb representative who promised that she would forward our concerns to her supervisor and that we would receive an email response before the end of the business day. Didn’t happen. I tried to find a way within me to feel okay about the situation, but my active mind continued to ruminate about it before going to sleep and again when I woke up the next morning. I hate feeling ripped off, and this looked like being the biggest rip-off we’d experienced in all of our travels. As tourists, as long-term travellers, we’ve experienced occasional over-charging by taxi drivers and very occasional overcharging by hotels, but this Airbnb rip-off was the worst. Generally we’ll grumble, feel frustrated about having been taken advantage of, and then move on. “It’s only money” we’ll say, and then let it go.

Eventually, after many phone calls, and with the assistance of Airbnb and the people whose place we’d rented, we got a big refund and we were satisfied.

What I haven’t revealed so far is how much my suspicious mind continued to wonder whether most or all of Alison’s physical pain problems would disappear as soon as she got to La Manzanilla: that this was Alison’s unconscious way of punishing me for making her come to SMA. I knew that it didn’t make any logical sense: she’d been having significant muscle and joint pains for years, but had just soldiered on using a combination of determination and medication. She had been in even worse pain during a two-month stay in Cyprus two years earlier: she could hardly bear to walk and she spent most of her time there curled up in an armchair reading books. So my suspiciousness had no basis in fact. I came to realize that it was more of a disguised wish for her to be well again, to be able to walk and hike long distances without pain. Exactly what she wished for herself. It was also a disguised wish for her to be happy.

So finally after three WTF months in SMA we moved to La Manzanilla, and it turned out to be the best thing for both of us.

Photos: Top: Church of the Immaculate Conception, San Miguel de Allende
Bottom: Sunset at the beach, La Manzanilla

Don, I love how open and honest you are. It is was such a shame that the rental property was not what you expected, not anyone’s fault, it just did not feel right in particular for Alison and 5 months is just too long to be unhappy. I am glad that eventually it was right for both of you to move camp to La Manzanilla and it worked out to be so perfect.

Such a rough time for you both, and a lot of hard psychic work that had to be done for whatever reason that the Universe thought needed to take place. I’m glad you could go to La Manzanilla afterwards to really recover.

Nice to hear your voice here, too, Don! I feel like we readers lived through that hellish first few days in the cluttered, dark house in SMA with you, and then through some of the tough healing that Alison has previously written about. Hearing your thoughts adds dimension to your joint story, and both of you have been so honest and open about the travails of traveling (and sometimes life in general!), so we feel we learn some of life’s lessons right along with you. I hope this winter’s escape is more pleasing from the very start! (I am quite jealous that you are heading south soon … 🙂 )

I appreciate your thoughtful comments about our travel travails. Our time in SMA was probably the most difficult period we’d gone through in a long time, and we were very happy to come out the other end of the tunnel in La Manzanilla. We’re now looking forward to more Mexican sunshine on the Yucatan peninsula.

I do sometime think when we are doing some challenging inner work…..the outside world somehow reflects it. It’s a great place to get to when we can recognize what we need is to stop and work on the inside, rather than focus on the exterior. Sounds like it paid off for Allison. Happy that you got to enjoy SMA and she worked through what was needed and now you are both in a better place together.Thanks be.

You’re absolutely right Eileen, the outer world did reflect the inner journey that Alison and I were each on in SMA. We went through a lot there and came out the other side together in a much better place, thanks be indeed.

Your title for this post certainly caught my attention and, as I read further, I could definitely empathize with a lot of the unhappiness that accompanied your time in SMA. We’ve been to many places where we felt instantly at home as well as places that stayed unwelcome and cold, sometimes due to emotional or physical reasons. For a traveler, there can’t be much worse than being ill or in pain in a strange place that lacks the feel of quiet, welcome, sanctuary, comfort, light and warmth – a place where you can feel at home. We’ve also had the tug-of-war with apartments we’ve rented sight unseen where one of us walks in and instantly hates it. Most recently we broke a lease (with our lawyer’s help) because I hated/loathed our first apartment in Lagos, Portugal (cold, cramped, and with too many things that went wrong to list) while my husband kept saying we could tough it out. And how glad I am that we went through the hassle and work of changing homes – there’s so much to be said for feeling at home in a place, no matter how short or how long your stay is! Anita

You got that right Anita: we always call whatever accommodation we’re staying in ‘Home’ no matter how long we’re there for. Glad you were able to break your lease for the cold, cramped apartment in Lisbon. We’re off to warmer climes first thing tomorrow morning – Yucatan here we come! Don

I too love your honesty Don. As we know, travel can be wearing, both emotionally and physically, so when I read blog posts from those who travel full-time and it is always sunshine and roses, I know that is not life. Glad to hear that Alison is on the mend and that warmer weather is on the horizon. Enjoy the Yucatan!

How wonderful to hear your voice, Don! As a solo traveler, I am blessed (or cursed, depending on the day) to only take care of myself. I really enjoyed your post and hope that you and Alison can go on many long hikes in the Yucatan. 🙂

Nice of you to say so, Felicity. We’ve just now arrived in Play del Carmen and are settling into a wonderful 2-bedroom apartment for the month of November. Looking forward to seeing the Mayan ruins and swimming in some of the cenotes.

Don, I love your honesty as I love Alison’s, too. Very intriguing that SMA affected you both so deeply and differently, with lasting memories and paths toward healing. Sometimes contrast reveals more than anything else does or can. Happy to read you’ve arrived in Playa del Carmen! Looking forward to your upcoming posts! K.

Don…are those your photos or Alison’s? It’s really good to hear your voice in this post–straight forward and honest and chilling…chilling only because these kinds of things can and do happen to us all, I guess. Where are you now?

They are Alison’s photos, like 99% of the rest of the photos on the blog. It’s only because I get her cast-off cameras! Yes there was a definite chill in the air during our time in SMA LOL. We’re staying in a beautiful spacious 2-bedroom apartment in Playa del Carmen for the entire month of November. After that much depends on our states of health as to where we go from here. Cheers for now, Don

yeah…funny how some places turn chilly??? I thought the second photo was Alisons, but not that first one with all that color!!
Playa del Carmen as in Mexico? Are you housesitting or renting? I just checked out the place in Manzanilla (is it?) and I’d suggest you simply go back there. Where you gonna find that kind of place? Not Cuba. I may just stick in UAE for Xmas. How’s that for decision making?

We’re renting in PDC. We’d go back to La Manzanilla (NOT Manzanillo) any time if we could rent the same casita. But then there’s the rest of the world to see before we step of the planet! Your usual fine decision-making skills show through re where to go for Christmas BF. So a very early Feliz Navidad to you.

right…”a” not “o”…I lived in “o”…it’s on my mind maybe. I hear you, there’s a lot of world to see. We all have our priorities….which sometimes change. I once wanted to see every country in the world, now…not so much.
And yup, no decision is a good decision.

I always appreciate the honest perspective you and Alison present, Don. It reminds me that the journey we are on is inward as well as outward, and that we ignore one at the peril of the other. And it also speaks to how closely our mental and physical health is related. Then there is this damn growing old… –Curt

Growing old, growing old, I think I’ll wear my trousers rolled – but only so I can go paddling in the Caribbean! Thank you for your kind words Curt – even though I believe that we are eternal spirits having an adventure in a human body, there are also times when the complaints of the body get so loud that I forget that important fact.

Don I appreciate your open and honest account of your time. Dave and i have been so fortunate to be in good health all of our lives. We know that when the day comes that one of us struggles it will bring a whole new dimension t our relationship. So glad to hear the rental situation was resolved and your time in Manzanilla better. We have friends there are we too have enjoyed it very much.

It does seem to be the case for us that having dealt with tougher times together our relationship is even stronger. We’re now enjoying life in Playa del Carmen on the Yucatan peninsula – 29 degrees and very humid today – helps to ease the aches and pains out of our aging bones.

Beautiful sharing here, Don. It is amazing how things can be so twisted up and white hot difficult, only to reveal themselves as our subtle distortions of Love. Afterwards it is beautiful and we are more deeply revealed to one another, but at the time it is quite an inner circus, isn’t it!?

Hope you have both broken through into deeper modes of satisfaction. I can’t imagine that not occurring based on what you have described. I was touched by this piece through and through, and it is a good reminder to all of us to have faith that the root of our greatest difficulties is never quite what we think it is… Healing is ultimately this discovery, I think. Discovering tangibly, in our bodies, in our hearts, and in one another…

Thank you Michael for your always thoughtful comments. We do indeed seem to have broken through to deeper modes of satisfaction. I keep remembering that we always get exactly what we need, even if it not always exactly what we want. And many thanks to The Mystery for some of my unanswered prayers!

It is nice to read you Don! It is always interesting the couple relationship thing. The compromises we make, the differences, the compatibilities…. and I think these get more clearly defined when a couple is traveling, moving, changing countries. You write so openly and honestly about the challenges and hurdles.

I can identify with your need to go someplace new and yet I can recognise Alison ( and in our case Bens’) desire and joy of returning to a familiar well loved place. It is a constant balancing act. And of course when one person is injured or having health issues, priorities and needs change. We know too the feeling of arriving in a place and feeling misled or dissapointed and then trying to decide whether to “make the best of it” or move on and therreby deal with the wtf tangle of logistics.

I appreciate your perceptive comments about my post. Alison and I realized very early on in our travels that we had inadvertently signed up for an advanced course called Mental Flexibility in Relationships! We have no regrets about having signed up for this lifelong course. On the contrary, it has been of great benefit in many ways, including the helpful Buddhist perspective of ‘Now this, now this.’