Born Out of Boredom

Updated on February 22, 2011

by Daniel J. Durand

CHAPTER
1, or, THE CHAPTER BEFORE CHAPTER TWO...

The only page in a ninth grade history
textbook, circa 2042.

Never, ever, under any
circumstances, should the big red button be pushed. It never ends
well, and generally leads to undesirable side effects such as plague,
famine, and an irritating ringing noise. Doubly un-advisable would be
to press the big red button a second time, but most people avoid a
first offense simply because the big red button is labeled, “Do not
push.” Most people have their curiosity abated by the
non-threatening font the label is printed in, and continue on with
their lives. The ones who aren't phased by polite warnings are
usually obliterated by the unforgiving force of a thousand suns,
delivered by a couple of automated laser cannons designed to politely
put an end to needless button pushing.

Once upon a time, it was discovered
by the people of the world that all of humanities problems originated
from said big red button, and so the governments of the world, after
much deliberation and thought over a nice lunch at their favorite
restaurant, printed the label and set up the laser cannons. Not long
after that, all forms of disease suddenly disappeared. War and
conflict followed suit, making way for the first real example of
lasting world peace. Everyone became wealthy, healthy, and wise, and
all of the pigeons were toilet trained. Life was good, and that was
all there was to it.

With no problems to solve, the driving
force behind humanity's science and technology all but disappeared.
Any new advancements came from a bunch of scientists and engineers
who needed something to do on weekends. The military took up
paintball, doctors played more golf, and bacon was totally harmless.
Utopia had been achieved and for once, everyone was happy. Then
people got bored.

The governments of the world, after
much sitting around on the couch in the basement idly flicking
through television channels and groaning in agony at another I
Love Lucy marathon, made a momentous decision; in order to make
life livable again, the button would have to be pushed. The people of
the world agreed wholeheartedly. A crack team of elite commandos was
assembled to do what had once been unthinkable. The media, finally
having something to do after so many years of reporting delightful
sunshine and beautiful rainbows with butterfly wings, leaped up into
the air and collectively yelled “Aha!”

On a perfect spring day in the middle
of January, the world's populace gathered around the big red button.
Stepping forward, the commandos formed a perimeter around the button,
disabling the laser cannons before giving the all-clear signal to the
squad leader. The squad leader, nearly trembling with the
significance of the moment, hesitated only slightly so the cameras
could get a clear picture before slamming his hand on the big red
button. Nothing happened.

Looking around at the stunned audience,
the squad leader made a quick call over the radio. Engineers
confirmed that the button was indeed plugged in, and after careful
deliberation the governments of the world said “Fuck it.” Orders
went through the chain of command, and a second attempt at pushing
the big red button was authorized by the type of people who tend to
authorize that sort of thing.

The squad leader followed his orders
and pushed the button a second time. Still nothing. He pushed the
button a few more times. Then a few more. After checking again to
make sure the power was on, it was decided to make one more attempt
at pushing the button before giving up for the day. The squad leader
gave his commandos a quick pep talk about something motivational and
inspiring, then reached out his hand.

His arm was barely extended when the
voice of God filled the air.

“You're kidding, right?”

Everyone looked at everyone else before
deciding as one that no, in fact they were not kidding, and would
like to know just how it could be construed that they were.

“So, you have no hunger, no war, and
no poverty,” said God, “you live in the ultimate paradise, and
now you're bored with it? Am I getting this right so far?”

Everyone looked at everyone else again
before deciding as one that yes, in fact he was getting it right so
far.

God stood up a little straighter and
scratched his beard.

“Deal with it,” he said.

With that, the button vanished, and the
people were left to deal with it.