Hostess Quickly. Sure he is by this, or will be presently: but,
truly, he is very courageous mad about his throwing
into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.
1895

Mistress Page. I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my young
man here to school. Look, where his master comes;
'tis a playing-day, I see.
[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS]How now, Sir Hugh! no school to-day?
1900

Falstaff. Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my
sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love,
and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not
only, Mistress Ford, in the simple
1970office of love, but in all the accoutrement,
complement and ceremony of it. But are you
sure of your husband now?

Mistress Page. Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again:
he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails
against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's
daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets
1990himself on the forehead, crying, 'Peer out, peer
out!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but
tameness, civility and patience, to this his
distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here.

Mistress Page. Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the
last time he searched for him, in a basket; protests
to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and
the rest of their company from their sport, to make
another experiment of his suspicion: but I am glad
2000the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery.

Mistress Ford. He will seek there, on my word. Neither press,
2020coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an
abstract for the remembrance of such places, and
goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.

Mistress Ford. I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the
basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight.

[Exit]

Mistress Page. Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough.
2060We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Wives may be merry, and yet honest too:
We do not act that often jest and laugh;
'Tis old, but true, Still swine eat all the draff.

[Exit]

[Re-enter MISTRESS FORD with two Servants]

Mistress Ford. Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders:
your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it
down, obey him: quickly, dispatch.

Ford. Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any
2075way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket,
villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket!
O you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging, a
pack, a conspiracy against me: now shall the devil
be shamed. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!
2080Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching!

Page. Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to go
loose any longer; you must be pinioned.

Ford. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed
out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may
not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is:
2105my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable.
Pluck me out all the linen.

Ford. Help to search my house this one time. If I find
not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let
me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of
me, 'As jealous as Ford, Chat searched a hollow
walnut for his wife's leman.' Satisfy me once more;
2120once more search with me.

Mistress Ford. What, ho, Mistress Page! come you and the old woman
down; my husband will come into the chamber.

Ford. A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not
forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does
she? We are simple men; we do not know what's
brought to pass under the profession of
fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells,
2130by the figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond
our element we know nothing. Come down, you witch,
you hag, you; come down, I say!

Mistress Ford. Nay, good, sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him
not strike the old woman.
2135

Mistress Page. Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the
2170figures out of your husband's brains. If they can
find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight
shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be
the ministers.

Mistress Ford. I'll warrant they'll have him publicly shamed: and
2175methinks there would be no period to the jest,
should he not be publicly shamed.

Mistress Page. Come, to the forge with it then; shape it: I would
not have things cool.

Ford. Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou wilt;
2200I rather will suspect the sun with cold
Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour stand
In him that was of late an heretic,
As firm as faith.

Page. 'Tis well, 'tis well; no more:
2205Be not as extreme in submission
As in offence.
But let our plot go forward: let our wives
Yet once again, to make us public sport,
Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,
2210Where we may take him and disgrace him for it.

Page. How? to send him word they'll meet him in the park
at midnight? Fie, fie! he'll never come.

Sir Hugh Evans. You say he has been thrown in the rivers and has
2215been grievously peaten as an old 'oman: methinks
there should be terrors in him that he should not
come; methinks his flesh is punished, he shall have
no desires.

Mistress Ford. Devise but how you'll use him when he comes,
And let us two devise to bring him thither.

Mistress Page. There is an old tale goes that Herne the hunter,
Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest,
Doth all the winter-time, at still midnight,
2225Walk round about an oak, with great ragg'd horns;
And there he blasts the tree and takes the cattle
And makes milch-kine yield blood and shakes a chain
In a most hideous and dreadful manner:
You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know
2230The superstitious idle-headed eld
Received and did deliver to our age
This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth.

Page. Why, yet there want not many that do fear
In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak:
2235But what of this?

Mistress Ford. Marry, this is our device;
That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us.

Page. Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come:
And in this shape when you have brought him thither,
2240What shall be done with him? what is your plot?

Mistress Page. That likewise have we thought upon, and thus:
Nan Page my daughter and my little son
And three or four more of their growth we'll dress
Like urchins, ouphes and fairies, green and white,
2245With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads,
And rattles in their hands: upon a sudden,
As Falstaff, she and I, are newly met,
Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once
With some diffused song: upon their sight,
2250We two in great amazedness will fly:
Then let them all encircle him about
And, fairy-like, to-pinch the unclean knight,
And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel,
In their so sacred paths he dares to tread
2255In shape profane.

Mistress Ford. And till he tell the truth,
Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound
And burn him with their tapers.

Mistress Page. The truth being known,
2260We'll all present ourselves, dis-horn the spirit,
And mock him home to Windsor.

Ford. The children must
Be practised well to this, or they'll ne'er do't.

Sir Hugh Evans. I will teach the children their behaviors; and I
2265will be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the
knight with my taber.

Mistress Page. My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies,
Finely attired in a robe of white.
2270

Page. That silk will I go buy.
[Aside]And in that time
Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away
And marry her at Eton. Go send to Falstaff straight.
2275

Ford. Nay I'll to him again in name of Brook
He'll tell me all his purpose: sure, he'll come.

Mistress Page. Fear not you that. Go get us properties
And tricking for our fairies.

Sir Hugh Evans. Let us about it: it is admirable pleasures and fery
2280honest knaveries.

[Exeunt PAGE, FORD, and SIR HUGH EVANS]

Mistress Page. Go, Mistress Ford,
Send quickly to Sir John, to know his mind.
[Exit MISTRESS FORD]2285I'll to the doctor: he hath my good will,
And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.
That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot;
And he my husband best of all affects.
The doctor is well money'd, and his friends
2290Potent at court: he, none but he, shall have her,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.

Simple. Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
from Master Slender.

Host. There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his
standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about
2300with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go
knock and call; hell speak like an Anthropophaginian
unto thee: knock, I say.

Simple. There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his
chamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come
2305down; I come to speak with her, indeed.

Bardolph. Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came
beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of
them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away,
2360like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.

Host. They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not
say they be fled; Germans are honest men.

Sir Hugh Evans. Have a care of your entertainments: there is a
friend of mine come to town tells me there is three
cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of
Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and
2370money. I tell you for good will, look you: you
are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and
'tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.

Doctor Caius. I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me dat
you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany: by
my trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know to
2380come. I tell you for good vill: adieu.

Falstaff. I would all the world might be cozened; for I have
been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to
the ear of the court, how I have been transformed
and how my transformation hath been washed and
cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by
2390drop and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant
they would whip me with their fine wits till I were
as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered
since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my
wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
2395[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]Now, whence come you?

Falstaff. The devil take one party and his dam the other! and
so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more
2400for their sakes, more than the villanous inconstancy
of man's disposition is able to bear.

Hostess Quickly. And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant;
speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart,
is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a
2405white spot about her.

Falstaff. What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was
beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow;
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit,
2410my counterfeiting the action of an old woman,
delivered me, the knave constable had set me i' the
stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch.

Hostess Quickly. Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you
shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your
2415content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good
hearts, what ado here is to bring you together!
Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that
you are so crossed.

Host. I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will at the
least keep your counsel.

Fenton. From time to time I have acquainted you
2430With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page;
Who mutually hath answer'd my affection,
So far forth as herself might be her chooser,
Even to my wish: I have a letter from her
Of such contents as you will wonder at;
2435The mirth whereof so larded with my matter,
That neither singly can be manifested,
Without the show of both; fat Falstaff
Hath a great scene: the image of the jest
I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host.
2440To-night at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen;
The purpose why, is here: in which disguise,
While other jests are something rank on foot,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
2445Away with Slender and with him at Eton
Immediately to marry: she hath consented: Now, sir,
Her mother, ever strong against that match
And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
2450While other sports are tasking of their minds,
And at the deanery, where a priest attends,
Straight marry her: to this her mother's plot
She seemingly obedient likewise hath
Made promise to the doctor. Now, thus it rests:
2455Her father means she shall be all in white,
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand and bid her go,
She shall go with him: her mother hath intended,
The better to denote her to the doctor,
2460For they must all be mask'd and vizarded,
That quaint in green she shall be loose enrobed,
With ribands pendent, flaring 'bout her head;
And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token,
2465The maid hath given consent to go with him.

Fenton. Both, my good host, to go along with me:
And here it rests, that you'll procure the vicar
To stay for me at church 'twixt twelve and one,
2470And, in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.

Host. Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar:
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.

Fenton. So shall I evermore be bound to thee;
2475Besides, I'll make a present recompense.