The homophobic bakery saga is the strangest story of 2018

So the big story recently is how the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the bakery in Colorado that refused to bake a cake for a gay couple. I know “baking a cake for a gay couple” sounds like a sexual euphemism, but they literally wouldn’t bake two gay dudes a cake. As you’d expect, the internet is quite angry and tensions are high. The hardcore conservatives and gays are going back and forth at each other, and things are getting messy, because everyone knows the conservatives and gays are the two sassiest groups on the internet.

Personally, I’m confused by the entire situation. First, how can a bakery be homophobic? Baking is the gayest thing in the world. That’s a scientific fact. I learned that in third grade when I brought my Easy Bake Oven into school. It’s up there with having sexual intercourse with another man. I mean, in both situation something’s getting glazed with white frosting. Buns are getting tossed around regardless.

Running a homophobic bakery is like owning an antisemitic bagel shop. You’re just alienating yourself. Also how stupid do you look being homophobic while wearing an apron? That’s like me making fun of a trans person while wearing my mother’s wedding dress. It’d be like me telling a gay guy that if he doesn’t stop acting so gay both my dads are going to beat him up. You also can’t actively hate gay people while you spend your entire day literally packing fudge. Think about that. A slang term for gay sex was derived directly from your profession. If you come in contact with that many sprinkles on a daily basis, you have no right to be mean to gay guys. Look in the mirror.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that I’m almost more offended by their lack of self awareness than their homophobia. Nevertheless, I persisted.

PS: When I was looking for a cover photo for this post I realized the name of the baker is “Sweet Cakes”. The irony of this story is almost poetic.

Also, hear me out on this one: Cake Boss spin off with this bakery. Call it Cake Fuhrer.