This year I had to outdo Beyonce (the giant metal chicken, not the singer. I try not to compete with her) so I’ve been searching for something similarly unexpected to come knocking at the door. I considered buying a giant metal egg because then when people asked “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” I could definitively say “The chicken” but it just didn’t seem BIG enough. Then, after weeks of searching, I finally found the perfect thing.

Victor pretty much begged me to not get him anything because I think he was still trying to forgive me for last year, but then I finally convinced him that it was something awesome and so when the doorbell finally rang I screamed “OMG SHE’S HERE” and Victor was all “‘She?’ You got me a stripper?” and I glared at him because that’s the first place his head went, and then I went to answer the door and get his anniversary present.

"YOUR EYES DO NOT DECEIVE YOU. I GOT YOU A PET MOTHERFUCKING SLOTH."

Victor was speechless.

Probably because there was an unexpected sloth in the house. People are hardly ever prepared for unexpected sloths in the house.

I tried to get Victor to hug the sloth and Victor said “no” and then he said some other things I can’t write here, and then he said I was going to get pee all over me, and I explained that A) these are the risks you take when you own a pet sloth and B) we were in luck because the delivery guy said he peed yesterday and they only pee once a week.

BEST. PET. EVER.

Victor disagreed. Vehemently.

Then I explained that getting a sloth hug could cure the most vicious of heartaches and then that sloth snuggled into my heart and made me feel awesome for the first time all day (because I was still sad that we had to put our ancient cat to sleep this week, not because I was sad it was our anniversary) and I may have gotten a bit teary, and that’s when Victor started to panic because he already knew that I had a Posey-shaped-hole in my life and that I was more than unbalanced enough to fill it with an unexpected sloth.

They should change "bear hug" to "sloth hug" because sloths give the very BEST animal hugs and you don't end up mutilated at the end of them.

Then Victor started to look a little sick and I admitted that the sloth was not his present because obviously I couldn’t be expected to keep up with a pet even lazier than me, because that’s like giving an alcoholic a bottle of bourbon for a pet. Nothing good could come of this. Victor was very relieved and even shakily petted Jilly-the-awesome-sloth until I told him that his real present was still outside.

Knock knock, motherfucker.

“I GOT YOU A BABY KANGAROO!” I may have screamed. But I screamed it quietly and winsomely because I didn’t want to scare the sloth in my arms.

hop, hop, hop

Then the baby kangaroo jumped all over the house and Victor went into shock when it jumped into the house and ran right to the living room rug, and I was all “You know? For boxing?” And Victor was all “WTF?” and I explained that he’d mentioned wanted getting back into martial arts again and that I thought a kangaroo would make great sparring partner. Then Victor just stared at me and I was all “You’ll have to teach him kung fu though” and then Victor just put his head in his hands because apparently he doesn’t have as much faith in his teaching skills as I do.

Then I finally broke down and explained that it wasn’t a real kangaroo and was only a wallaby, so it’ll stay that little forever and would probably be able to bring us drinks when we were thirsty, but only if we didn’t mind having the drinks splashed all over the house.

“We’ll have to invest in lids,” I explained.

Then Victor mumbled something about not feeling safe in his own house and I finally admitted that the un-kangaroo, Jilly-the-sloth, and the hedgehog hidden in my pocket were just on loan from the amazingly knowledgeable folks at Zoomagination, who were bad-ass enough to help me carry off this entire prank, and who taught me more about sloth pee than I ever would have expected.

Then we called Hailey over and she freaked out in the best possible way and screamed, “THERE IS A KANGAROO IN OUR LIVING ROOM ” and Victor and I both laughed at her glee and it was awesome.

And it was everything a 16th wedding anniversary should be.

At least in this house.

UPDATED: It’ll probably get changed any second but this is a screenshot from wikipedia showing traditional 15th and 16th wedding gifts:

Oh, man. That is better than the best thing ever. I wish I lived next door to you. Then I would see people delivering a sloth and a wallaby to your house, and I’d come play with them! (In my fantasy, I’m staring out the window at you like Mrs. Kravitz. “Abner, they’ve got a sloth next door, Abner!”)

OMG, I totally want, no, NEED to do this to my husband and kids. God knows, given we have eleventy-billion kids (ahem, seven), he’d probably not even realize the extra animals, he’d just wonder if I skipped a haircut or two on a couple of ’em. LOL!

I’m so glad that your broken heart could enjoy a nice break! Now, I need you to find a way to get me that sloth because my sister and I are obsessed with all sloths and want to go to Costa Rica to the sloth rescue and live happily forever, covered in sloths and their once-weekly urine output. You should also research online about how they pee. They have to come down to the ground and get all serious and still and do their business. It takes like half a damn hour, but it’s hilarious to watch their little faces cloud over.

Secondly, my husband should be very, very, very worried, as this is giving me all sorts of ideas of what to do when our next anniversary rolls around. I may not go the sloth, wallaby, hedgehog route, but I can seriously see some hijinks of a major caliber going down. You have inspired me, Jenny Lawson! When, after all is said and done, he questions my sanity, and why I felt it necessary to celebrate our 10th anniversary with mini pigs, ponies, and a monkey (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) I will merely point him here.

This is the BEST! Especially Hailey’s reaction. So now I know – 16th anniversary is sloth. And non-kangaroos. And pocket hedgehogs. We had our 16th anniversary in May, but we couldn’t go out and celebrate because Princess was sick and we had to cancel the sitter. So . . . now I know what our make-up celebration will be! Trip to the ZOO!!!!

Love it!

And hugs to you. I know it’s hard. I still grieve over my 19 year old kitty’s passing 2009. She was my college roommate. Sigh. I miss her. But I’m sure that she and Posey are galavanting around in kitty heaven!

I am truly impressed. You should do surprise planning for a living. Although you are already really good at writing and being awesome, so maybe that would just be overwhelming. Hoping you are feeling a wee bit happier today ❤

Happy Anniversary! (My grandparents were married on this day, too! It’s a great day to give up one’s independence, eh?) I am so glad this was a prank, because, well, the marriage might not have made it to year 17…

This is just so fucking awesome and hilarious. I think you have outdone yourself.

I’m not sure which facial expression is best: your smile as you experience euphoria while snuggling with a sloth in your arms, your husband’s dismay at the whole fucking scene (brings new meaning to the saying “Our house is a zoo”) or your daughter’s sheer glee and a kangaroo in your living room.

You know you’ve just fucked over a whole bunch of couples, as one spouse or another is now going to say, in an annoyed tone, “You’ve never surprised me with wild animals before on our anniversary.”

Sure beats my, Happy 4th, I was able to finally cut a big giant watermelon post, and kept all twenty fingers (mine and my sons, as we attempted to make a dessert….together). 🙂

OMG! Best Anniversary EVAR!! My huz came over wanting to see what i was laughing at.. he asked “is that a baby kangaroo?” i said “yes, it is.. what else would you expect from Jenny’s blog.” he was all like “ok, all you had to say was it was her blog” like that right there explains everything in your wonderful universe 😀

Happy Anniversary..those pics are priceless. thanks for sharing your pranks of love with all of us!

My best friend actually got a sloth once. Two, actually. Her then boyfriend got them for her after she mistakenly pointed out that they were “cute” at the zoo. Unfortunately, it takes a bit of time to acquire a pair of sloth. And the relationship had already ended by the time the sloths showed up at her house. She had to build an enclosure in the garage and keep them for a few weeks until she could find a zoo to take them. Sloths smell in real life a lot more pungently than they do on TV or even at the zoo.

Too. Fucking. Awesome. I have already demanded that my husband buy me (ok, fine, I’ll make do with “renting”) a sloth and baby kangaroo for our next anniversary. His reply was very Victor-ish (basically saying “ummm, no.”).

Can I love both this anniversary and last year’s anniversary posts?
This year’s made me all warm and fuzzy inside (and I’m positive it wasn’t because of the mouldy cheese I just ate), but last year’s made me laugh so hard, I cried.
Happy Anniversary, darlin’ and Mr. Bloggess! xoxo

OMG, I almost wet myself with glee seeing this post, but then I realized I am a grown woman and cannot pee myself since only babies do that and only sloths do it once a week. However: Baby wallabies and baby sloths?! I fucking die of cuteness overload. Happy Anniversary to you and your tough-as-nails hubby!!

I just commented and then when I tried to post my computer got all shitty on me. I wonder if it actually posted. either way, you made me go from crying out of a shitty morning to crying from laughter at Victor’s face… thank you.

I read this out loud to Preacher and he walked over to see the photos and said “OMG IT IS A WALLABY!” before we even got to the wallaby punchline. I told him he ruins everything and this is why I don’t get him sloths or hedgehogs. He said I was an epic failure for never bringing a wallaby home. He. Wants. The. Wallaby.

Hailey’s photo is pretty freaking epic too. I just have to say. And I had hubby sit down to read this cause he was looking at me like I am SERIOUSLY psycho and not just my normal psycho. All he could say was that that sloth was UGLY. BOO ON HIM! That sloth is one of the cutest damn things I’ve ever seen… and now I’m aching for a sloth hug. Guess my two crazy little beagles will have to do instead.

Happy anniversary! This is the best prank ever – especially suited for your personality! Your husband’s look made me laugh the most. Of course he believed that you actually purchased these animals rather than just borrowing them, because you’re that kind of awesome.

I thought you got a puppy, when looking at the thumbnail picture on your facebook link.
I thought “oh, how cute – a new puppy to mend her broken heart” but then I came here, and went OMG. WTF?
I would never, ever hold a sloth or any other wild animal in my arms – I’m afraid of all animals other than cats and dogs – but you look so happy holding that sloth, I am very happy for you! and your daughter’s reaction is priceless.

Well, now I can never get married again. How will I ever top these totally insane, totally awesome anniversaries??!! Heck, even birthdays and Halloween will pale in comparison to this one. Thanks a lot BLOGGESS!!

Totally awesome! I would LOVE to get an anniversary present like that! Which makes me insane probably. If insane means totally bad ass awesome. Ironically we were just discussing Beyonce with a friend last night who hadn’t read the story. Now I have 2 awesome posts to share with her!

Am I the only one who wondered where in the hell you’d gotten a fully-articulated taxidermied sloth? I was both relieved and a teensie bit disappointed that this one is still on the mortal coil, because a fully-articulated taxidermied sloth would be awesome!

This is absolutely amazing. And I’m aching inside from laughing so hard at Victor’s reactions. And I’m crying a little bit because now I really want a sloth to hug.

I bet if we all had hugs from sloths once a week, our worlds would be a little happier. I say dr’s start using sloth hugs as ways to cure depression/anxiety problems. I know it would make me feel so much better.

I have to say though, Hailey at the end brought it all together. That is just a wonderful response!!

I already said it on facebook but, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! You two are way too cute of an odd ball couple. My SO and I aspire to be as close as you are. Ok, we already are, but not as odd. Ok, maybe we are, but we’re not as good at it. And we don’t have the money to be so whimsy! Some day. Some day. Anyway, HAPPY 16th!!!

Holy cannoli! I didn’t think it could be done but this really might outdo Beyonce. I stand in awe…. and now I want a sloth. I just have to make sure MPH (My Poor Husband) doesn’t see this before I find one and hide it somewhere in the house… like on me… and try to convince him it’s an anamatronic accessory!

This is so great..so , so great. I have always responded to the ..”what animal would you be?” question..with GIANT SLOTH of course!! No predators.. no predatating..hanging out in the trees… sleeping all the time..RIGHT??? I used to add that the only downside was pee running down my neck but NOW??? I know better…NO DOWNSIDE.

My sympathies on the loss of Posie….losing our pets is so difficult…I miss every one of mine still…You gave her a great life..take comfort there.

Today is my birthday and laughed so hard that I wept while reading this to my kids. THANK YOU FOR SUCH A GREAT BIRTHDAY MORNING SURPRISE! I freaked out when I thought you actually got a sloth and screamed “SO JEALOUS!!!” Sloths are so adorable. This story has to go into your NEXT book. So sorry about Posey but what a wonderful anniversary. LOVE YOU!

My husband would have peed himself in glee had I gotten him a sloth or a wallaby. I think he’d be getting up every morning at 5am to play with them and he’d cry when he had to go to work, but when he got home they’d be best pals and all would be well.

Please let my husband not see this blog. Our cat wouldn’t appreciate either of these things.

Seriously best EVER anniversary gifts/prank. I would give nearly anything for a sloth-hug, so may leave my laptop open to this page, hoping the hubs stops by, notices, gets the hint. Chances of that happening? Nil. But you never know…
XO

So sorry about Posey, he seemed like a good little Golum/Cat, very sad. I hope he found peace, and his precious.

Also, NUH-MOTHERFUCKING-UH!!! I am now officially living my life by WWJD; WHAT WOULD JENNY DO? My for realsies end goal in life is to have a bunch of land with Zeedonks, Wallabys, Nigerian Pygmy Goats, Peacocks, and now I NEEEED more than anything an unexpected sloth in my imaginary menagerie! You are living my dreams, and while slightly envious, I love you more today than I ever have…

I’m reading your book & read the chapter about you getting married less than half an hour ago, so reading about your awesome anniversary prank is kind of extra surreal. Of course, that could be the heat melting my brain (man I dislike the Summer). Enjoy the rest of your anniversary & The Forth of July.

This was a great, fun prank. Love your daughter’s face. For next year: you know they’ve come a long way with animatronics, right? Shouldn’t be that hard to find a robot velociraptor and have it set up on your doorstep. You can tell your husband, “go look outside!”

And when he does, the raptor will scream and lunge for him, but stop just short of his throat. Then your pre-recorded voice could say, “Surprise! Happy Anniversary! I got you a dinosaur!”

On another note, what with cloning sheep and whatnot, you’d think we’d have cloned dinosaurs by now. Should look into that, the lessons of Jurassic Park notwithstanding.

Also, when did ‘amazeballs’ become a thing? Because two of your comments IN A ROW say this word. I need to be on top of all the hip stuff so I can spaz my kids out. Of course, I will NEVER be so hip that I get a sloth, a kangaroo and a hedgehog to come over for an anniversary party. (And somehow that last part sounds like it would be the beginning to a really dirty joke, but I’m just not able to pull it all together.)

I actually just cried because I was so mad at you!! I have the biggest obsession and love for sloths and I was so upset to see you hugging one because it’s my dream. I’m so jealous lady. I still love you though because your blog is awesome and brightens my days.

Happy Anniversary Jenny and Victor! Thank you for this post and the laugh out loud belly laugh! So glad I’m not at work today…peeing in my chair at home is much preferable than peeing in my desk chair at work. Just when I think you cannot be more amazing, you go and wh0op me up side the head with a SLOTH! Epic!

Oh my goodness, when I saw the first picture I wasn’t sure if it was real, but then the second picture (with the head in a different position let me know it was) and I yelled out, “holy s#%@, she really got a f!$^&%*( sloth.” That is so awesome that you got to experience those in your home for a while; every time I see them on TV I want one but know that it would probably not be a good idea because I am not sure our other pets would take very well to me constantly hugging a sloth because I don’t think I would ever be able to put it down.

Happy anniversary! I surprised how unhappy he was, I’ve been saying I want my house invaded by exotic species forever. Except, I also want said house to be invaded by animal keepers as well. Maybe you should have just “given” him the zoo? Less stressful for him since you could point out he wouldn’t have to actually take care of the animals.

So um… yeah, I guess you forgot my birthday back in May. It’s cool, I don’t mind that I didn’t get a zoo…. or at least a hedgehog in my pocket…. I guess you didn’t know that we’re best friends now cause I said so. You owe me a zoo. I’ll be waiting for the ring of the doorbell 😉

Happy Anniversary! What an awesome wife you are, obviously you got Victor Halley’s reaction to the kangaroo in the living room as a present. Obviously Victor is an awesome husband for not just packing up and leaving when the sloth arrived.

I’m sorry for your loss. We recently lost our 19 year old cat and I know it’s not easy.

Happy Anniversary to you and Victor! It is mine and Superhubby’s anniversary as well, wish I was clever enough to pull off this prank! Victors reaction is priceless! Enjoy your stories immensely, hope you enjoy your day!

You are too amazingly awesome!! Your husband is so lucky to have a wife who would go to so much effort to make an unforgettable anniversary. I need to go wipe these laughter-tears from my eyes now and try to figure out how you will top yourself next year (can’t wait to see!)

You know what else? when I finished your book I held it to my chest and rocked back and forth with so much sadness that it was over. I was depressed. Then a still small voice reminded me of your blog and I wasn’t sad any more.

I was still depressed, but that’s because my psychiatrist is an asshole.

Jilly-the-sloth and I share a name! My name’s missing the “the-sloth” part and people usually call me “Jill” or “Jillian.” But I am still very proud to have anything in common with such a huggably glorious creature.

I would like to move in with you…I can cook (not well, but sort of), and I would have to bring my 3 year old daughter with me. I could probably have my husband stay elsewhere and we could visit him every once in a while. Your life (and blog) are hilarious and so. much. fun! Thanks for making me laugh out loud after a bad night!

This post makes my heart happy!! Yay for anniversaries and healing wounds with animal love! I hope you all got some good snuggles in and I kinda wish I had been there to play too, b/c having a house filled with Jenny, Victor, & exotic animals sounds like good times!! Happy anniversary, you two! 🙂

I used to work at a zoo. I took care of two two-toed tree sloths, along with a variety of other critters. They were awesome. No wallabies, though. Good thing too. They’d probably get tired of me talking to them in the worst Australian accent ever.

Love it! I needed that laugh this morning. And Victor is totally lucky to have someone to play such awesome pranks on him! I do think perhaps you should have bought some towels as a back up gift, though.

The only problem I have with this post is that, given your love of all things taxidermied, it’s difficult to tell if the sloth and wallaby are alive. You know, because of the lack of video. It doesn’t seem fair for you to make me read on your anniversary.

Next year maybe Christmas in July, Motherfucker! Yes, of course a musical, featuring the 12 days of Christmas with hired talent in plush suits ringing your doorbell. It culminates with carolers singing “Knock Knock Motherfucker” to the tune of Here comes Santa Claus.

First of all, Happy Anniversary. Secondly, You are amazing! Not only did you scare the shit out of your husband on your anniversary, but you gave me the biggest fucking laugh I’ve had all year. Victor and Hailey are so lucky.

My Steve (z”l) and your Victor would have had a lot to talk about. They would’ve been fast friends.

Our anniversary would’ve been Monday….35 years….so you and Victor are still newbies! Happy, happy anniversary and many happy returns of the day for you, Victor, and even for Hailey. Keep the laughter rolling; it’s always the best medicine.

YOU have to be the most amazing and funny person EVER!!!! This one just takes the cake. I was reading it at work and literally BURST out laughing. I laughed so hard I cried (literally, tears streaming down my cheeks). Co-workers thought I was nuts until I relayed the short version and asked for the link (which I gladly shared).

Yesterday I was sad about Posey and today I am laughing about Sloths, Wallabys and Pocket Hedgies! Thank you SO much for sharing your life with us! My POSSLQ says that he bets that picture of Victor’s face is probably a reflection of how Victor looks on the regular. At least Victor can never claim that his life is dull!

Kudos on the 1st 16 years and hoping that the next 16 (and all the rest) are amazing, as well!

Our family lost our cat Joe this week, so when you talked about sloth hugs I wanted one 🙂 Kudos on the prank and the story, I haven’t laughed so hard since Beyonce showed up at the door and I searched Texas for a metal chicken of my own!

So much awesomeness in this post I can’t stop smiling…the glee on your face mid sloth hug is happy making but Hailey’s face is the look we would all love to give our kids at least once or hopefully twice in their life. Hilariously done and many more happy anniversaries to come

I’m glad I know you well enough know to not only swallow my drink, but put my glass down before I scrolled down to the picture of you holding Jilly. You have the best anniversaries ever! And I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to decide which is my favorite photo of all time, Victor’s befuddlement/horror/shock or Hailey’s pure joy!

I loved this!!! Although, you have set the bar far too high for me. What began as a semi-joking conversation during our long distance relationship about getting a sloth (and what his or her responsibilities would be during the zombie apocalypse), I decided the perfect Valentine’s Day present for my boyfriend would be to adopt a sloth. I did one of the honorary adopt a sloth programs and he received a picture of his own sloth, who he named Envy, and an adoption certificate. You cannot imagine the shriek that I let out when I saw you holding a sloth for Victor’s anniversary gift. I love you and my boyfriend loves you, too.

I share these with my husband, who is somewhat victor-esque in responding about the things you do, and all I can say to him is sloth sloth sloth sloth sloth sloth sloth wallaby. Happy 16th. and many more to come!

I read these things and I think, “She has the BEST ideas!” Then I read them aloud to my husband who mostly wants to know if Victor needs a place to stay because he *totally* sympathizes with Victor and would offer him a safe haven from the crazy if he needed it. Not that there’s less crazy here, just that Victor wouldn’t have to share a room with it.

Do you have a house cleaner? or a second home that you just use for pictures? Your place always looks so well kept. Or clutter free. Yes that’s what I got from your story. It was very nice. Happy Anniversary! You have taught me a valuable lesson about sloth pee as well. I thought that keeping wild animals (unless dead and stuffed) seemed like a pretty irresponsible message to send. Much like bunnies and chicks for Easter presents, do not give sloths for anniversaries. What did they think of the hedgehog?

Yet another reason why you are so awesome…and insane, as in ‘insanely awesome.’ Our 22nd anniversary is coming up in a few months and I’m thinking an ocelot for one day would be cool. Sure, it might tear him to shreds but they look so sweet. Hell, just the WORD ‘ocelot’ sounds cool.

Thanks for inspiring me. I’ll make sure to tell him it was kinda sorta your idea.

I managed to contain myself until you mentioned the hedgehog hidden in your pocket and then I spent the next five minutes cleaning apple and cinnamon oats of the keyboard after I could no longer contain my hysterical laughter. Brilliant way to start the day! Happy Anniversary 🙂

Also, please don’t mistake this for my condoning people to go out and kill and stuff wild animals. That’s not very responsible either. Unless you are hunting for already stuffed vintage ones at a garage sale. That’s ok.

Brilliant! I just came across your book at the library and it was awesome. I have felt in the past that I am too weird to be normal, so it resonated with me in alot of ways. I just HAD to check out your blog. I plan on checking out previous posts as I have the time. This one is great. I have to say your husband has a wonderful sense of humor. Congrats on your 16th Anniversary! P.S. You should SO get bumper stickers into your shop.

Oh my goodness. At first glance, I didn’t believe Jilly was real. (You photograph an awful lot of taxidermied creatures; it was a fair assumption.) But then I read it, and saw the wallaby, and you have MADE MY DAY!
Also? Acquiring live hedgehogs is now the top priority in my birthday party planning. (Alice in Wonderland theme. But, in case you’re listening PETA, I promise not to play croquet with them.)

I was introduced to your blog last year, by Beyonce (oh, you know what I mean) and I laughed all the way through that post. I laughed all the way through this one, as well. I kept laughing, and thinking, I’ll stop any minute now but I just kept on laughing, and I only stopped laughing when I reached the end. And then I had to go back and look again at the not-baby not-kangaroo and I started right back up.

I had a major panic attack this morning, my anxiety is kicking my butt and then I come on here and I LMAO, because you are the best therapy ever. Thank You. And A very Happy, Happy Anniversary to you and Victor.

Not that I would ever, ever, ever wish this for anyone….but should Victor ever meet an untimely demise, please marry me. Even if you’re not really in to girls, cause I am only curious, at best…but I think we would have so much fucking fun. 🙂

Ishbel and I have been married thirty six years or is 37, I’ve lost count and had some great anniversaries but I now know what I want for the next one, a visiting menageries, mind you we get that when all the grandkids turn up…..

I just wanted to say that I absolutely loooove the brains that you and Victor have between your ears! You make me feel very human and warm and fuzzy. I grew up on a farm in South Dakota and love animals … I embarrassed my Dad once because when I was awarded the “Blue Ribbon Poultryman of the Year” honor, I told the reporter that I talked to my chickens … when it came out in the Farmer’s Weekly front page, the headline was something like “Boy Talks To Chickens” and Dad’s farmer friends in town razzed him about his son. Ha!

Oh Jenny, you are too awesome!!!!!!! On my way to work today I was listening to your audio book (I’ve already read the paper version twice but I had to have both) and I listened to the “Married on the 4th of July” chapter and I was like, “I totally need to wish Jenny and Victor happy anniversary!” But I work on a ranch riding horses all day and don’t have a smart phone, so I had to wait until I got home and then you had already posted this about your anniversary so everyone remembered and I wasn’t special for remembering your anniversary, but it’s ok because it sounds like it was an AMAZING anniversary anyways. So, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! This is too long and you probably don’t read this far down anyways, but even if you don’t read it, I’m wishing you a happy anniversary 🙂

Damn! I have to wait 9 more years before I can get a sloth and a wallaby? Shit. I’m sorry that in the first photo my mind went “OMG she got a dead stuffed sloth for Victor, he’s going to have a fucking stroke” – I’m glad that they were alive. Best. Prankaversary. Ever.

ya know, i really didnt think you could top beyonce or copernicus but this might just be the funniest thing you have ever written. well done jenny, well done! happy anniversary to you and victor and yes, that man really does deserve a freaking medal lol.

I LOVE every photo you posted. You look so happy and beautiful. Victor’s face looks just as I imagine every time you talk about him. And you have to love that beautiful joyful child look.
Happy anniversary.

Well tell Victor to put another shrimp on the barbie and some sloth pee in the billabong because it’s time to party hearty.
I have to ask, how do you know the sloth was
, you know, alive, because they move REALLY SLOW and they could have spring loaded arms for hugging.
It’s like how do you lnow if a possum is dead or just playing possum?
This is important because if you stuff a live sloth, PETA will be all over you like a bagwana.

OMG this is freaking HILARIOUS. I LOVE that you did this. My husband would shit a ton of bricks if I did this, which is a great reason to do it. I don’t know if we have a Zoomagination around here. They need to franchise, pronto. Happy anniversary!!!

Damn, Now I have to tell my wife that I want sloths and some penguins for our anniversary. Four years on July 15 (and my nieces birthday). Also it’s the last day of the Obon festival in Okinawa Prefecture, Japan where I was born, and Obon celebrates the ancestors of the Japanese and is celebrated by visits to the cemetarieswhere they clean the bones, tidy up the gravesite, and then have a nice little picnic. anyway happy anniversary. watch out for wallaby kicks. cheers!

That is incredible! The look on Hailey’s face is adorable, she’ll never forget that day! What a great experience for you all. Excellent mid-hop picture too!
I too lost my beautiful cat Posy in December. She was 18 and made of awesome. She was quiet and dignified, most unlike her owner. We had to get her put down too. I still can’t believe I got to have her for so long, I’m so grateful.
And yes, OF COURSE it should be sloth hug. I hope it was as amazing as it looks!

My mother is a zookeeper, and when I was in college I came back to my hometown one weekend without telling my parents. I went out and did what college kids do, got silly drunk with a bunch of friends. I got a ride to my parents house and went in and crashed on their couch. My dad got up at 4:30 in the morning to get ready for work and he let the Wallaby, which my mother was hand-raising, out of its cage. It found me on the couch, passed out, and decided to have a treat and start licking the salt off of my toes. This managed to awaken my from my stupor, but it was dim in the room, and I didn’t expect to find a Wallaby licking my toes(who does?). All I could think as I groggily woke up was that there was a giant rat eating my feet. I screamed, Wallaby freaked, Mom and Dad came running into the room wondering who was screaming at the Wallaby. A fun weekend for all!

You have the bestest ideas ev-ar! I plan to steal them and use them on my OH in the near future – of course – it won’t work on him because I usually end up reading your blog to him when he asks why I am laughing (read most of your book to him too).

I’ve never been super patriotic but on this Fourth of July can I just say that we live in the best country on earth, a country where you can pay someone to bring a sloth to your home AND A SMALL KANGAROO (I don’t remember how to spell the real name of what this is and I’m too lazy to scroll all the way up to where you mention it, it starts with a ‘w’).

I love your pics – so much joy! – and omg that means I have been reading your blog for a year now, as Beyonce the giant metal chicken was my very first one. Happy Anniversary to you both. May you live as long as you love, and love as long as you live xxx

so my husband read this today, while in the ICU, 9 days post double-lung transplant. and then he looked at me, terrified…. because he totally knows that some strange animal is going to greet him when he gets home in 4-6 weeks… i have some time to plan!

I want to be in on the development meetings when they make your life a movie. Also, I keep thinking (I know, too soon) about your daughter finding the love of her life and bringing them home to meet you.

You know, this prank only worked because it’s not outside the realm of reality for you to get a pet sloth. I totally could see you doing that. And they do seem like awesome pets, because once a week peeing is awesome.

Considering your absolute reluctance to me helping you adopt a free donkey (aka burro), in fact saving an abandon one, I would have been shocked, shocked if this was for real. Besides costing less, as in FREE, a burro is kind of like a pony (and who doesn’t want a pony) and it can carry things, like groceries. Also great for Christmas manger scenes.

Also, you should consider a pet goat. Great at trimming those hard to reach places on the lawn, although a wallaby is a close second. But they don’t eat trash like a goat does.

I’m thinking, “you got a sloth? Don’t you need a license for that?” and then I saw the wallaby (I knew it was a wallaby because – the feet).
What a fantastic way to celebrate an anniversary. Happy Anniversary to you and the amazingly patient Victor.

Also, my 8-y-o son wants to read your book for the swears and Beyonce, the giant chicken. I told him he has to wait till he’s 12.

I am so glad you got a sloth hug or two to help you with the Posey shaped hole in your heart.

Also? My first thought when reading this was, “Wow, it’s legal to have a Sloth in your home in TX? They must have some really lax animal control laws.” It never even occurred to me that you’d borrowed/rented them. Well done.

I am so doing a version of this on my husband one day…only it will involve chickens, a pig, and some sheep (by then I hope horses are no longer an issue for him). He is freaked out about the though of us having any livestock and I have begged for chickens.

Ummm. I get unexpected sloths all too often… so…. What exactly do you feed them? I’ve tried just tossing $20 and some Nutrigrain bars at them, but they keep coming back. Granted, they enjoy themselves in the compost pile, but mostly they are a nuisance. If it wasn’t for the fact they are faster then me, it would BE ON. LIKE GODDAMN FUCKING DONKEY ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz.

Thank you for providing the brightest moment of my day and the only laughter! Holidays are often a struggle for me, but apparently not as much when they coincide with your wedding anniversary. Happy Marriage to you & Victor.

What a fantastic anniversary – congratulations to you both. Can you see Hailey explaining to her fiancée in a few years time ” …………and then Mum got Dad a sloth, a wallaby and a hedgehog for their 16th anniversary, and Dad said………………..”! poor guy (or girl) – what he/she has to live up to!

Sorry but this one blew it for me. This kind of objectification and exploitation of real, wild, exotic animals that do not belong in peoples homes, even temporarily makes me very angry. I will not subject any of you to my usual rant on this topic, just saying you lost much face and rank with this prank. Live animals are not playthings.

Our anniversary is in six days, and you are a tough act to follow. So, I’m gonna just give my husband pictures of what you gave your husband. Get us something awesome again next year, because this makes shopping much easier.

Happy anniversary! My husband is very insistent that Victor needs a support group. I keep trying to tell him that Victor is a willing contributor to the inanity, but he still insists. I think he just wants a support group for himself. And is wondering if he’ll still be able to find a giant metal chicken in five years.

What a great prank. I’,m truly impressed; but at the same time mildly disappointed.
Our 30th anniversary is in 10 days and I was going to make Doug get me a lemur or perhaps a giraffe.
I figured if you could do get those for 16 years I could certainly have one of those for 30 long years.

I love you. Thank you for posting this! We had to put our sweet dog Ripley to sleep last Thursday after 12 and a half years together. My husband and I have both been complete wrecks. I’ve just stopped randomly bursting into tears as I walk through the house, which is a lot since I work from home. Our 2 year old doesn’t understand where Ripley is no matter how many times we explain that her body stopped working. Anyway, this is awesome and made me very happy. Losing a pet is terrible, and having a wonderful partner is amazing and helps so much. And, your child’s joy can really help you through it. So, awesome on you. Well done! In summary, you are a punk. I approve.

Just when I thought that your posts couldn’t get any funnier…you go and do this. I seriously think that you need to make a Victor shirt with random sayings underneath because his expression is priceless.

What a great anniversary! I had to think though that you are creating a problem (or a blessing) for your sweet daughter Hailey. She is going to get married thinking that the 16th anniversary is the year to give exotic animals to your husband. Awesome!

Oh, and Happy Anniversary to you and your wonderfully patient husband!

Happy Anniversary! So cool, the joke you played on your sweet, long-suffering hubby. So his present was really that all the pets went home at the end of the day? Really love Hailey’s face in that pic!
So very sorry about Posey. I was time, but that doesn’t make it any easier. 😦

I guess when you are a NY Time best selling author you can do shit like this. While the rest of us, might be lucky enough to get a bat in our house on some hot summer night or a squirrel that might wonder in because my wife didn’t close the damn door.

Damn. I thought the brakes and new rotors (I think that’s what they’re called) for our 24th anniversary last week were pretty special. Now I realize he should have gotten me a freaking sloth or marsupial. All I know is 25 better be big. Really big.

I just cried, laughed, and may have almost peed myself! I so pictured me doing this to my husband. Everytime you post a conversation you have with Victor, my husband comments, “God, that’s us. I can’t believe there is someone as crazy as you out there. Someone should warn people, the world is not safe with two of you”. How did you give them back? I would want to keep them, especially the sloth! I need to find one to hug me too! New mission…I do have an anniversary AND a birthday coming up!!!!!!! Hmmmmm
Diane
PS ~ Sorry about Posey. I lost my Ramseys’ almost 3 years ago and still get teary.

After the “Beyonce” blog, I laughed for days and shared with many…this totally tops that! I was home alone, reading, laughing out loud, crying I was laughing so hard. I laughed when reading, 10 minutes after reading, and all day whenever I thought of it! The joy on your face while holding the sloth and the surprise on your daughter’s face are priceless! Thanks for the laughter!

Okay, I’ve laughed at many of your blog posts, but never this loud, out loud, and for so long. That is the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. Your husband totally deserves that medal, maybe even a parade with his new pets. Just awesome.

1 – THIS WAS NOT A PRANK! How was getting a Sloth, Wallaby, and a Hedgehog a prank? That was the best gift, EVER!
2 – Please send your SWH deliveryman to the MD as soon as possible. It’s not good to pee only once a week. Convenient, yes, but healthy, not so much. Unless he, too, was a sloth, in which case, nevermind….
3 – Who pooped on the floor – the Wallaby? Victor? or the SWH deliveryman?
4 – Why no pictures of the Hedgehog?

My daughter is leaving for college in a few weeks. You can have her room. Bring the animals.

I’ve never read your blogs before, I just happened to this one on suggestion from a Facebook Friend.
I like your writing style. I liked this story, funny and unexpecting. good stuff.
I could have done without the WTF’s and curse language, but that’s just because that’s not my style. Still, I’ll have to visit again because the writing was worth it.
Happy Anniversary Stranger, thanks for sharing.

Lucky for you traditional anniversary gifts stop after year 15 and skip straight to 20, but the non-traditional gift for a 16th wedding anniversary is apparently Silver Holloware. I’m not exactly sure what that is, but I’m thinking you could name either the sloth or the wallaby Silver Holloware and call it a day! The non-traditional anniversary gift for 17 years is furniture, I’d recommend buying Victor a coffin couch because Lord knows that one day he’ll need to lay down and he may never get back up, then you could just close the lid and send him packing, easy peasy!

Okay all my life I’ve been called weird, odd, even certifiably insane (thank you Dr. Smoots), but after this post I bow before you, Jenny Lawson, the Queen of all that is uncomfortably, extravagantly, fetch-my-dart-gun, Bizarre!

You are awesome! Victor is awesome! So glad you have someone like him! Happy anniversary!
Anniversary #18 is Monday for us… but, I think if I did this to my hubby, I’d not live to see Anniversary #19. JK
🙂
But it’d be funny as hell anyway!

And now I seriously want a Sloth Hug. All day. I want a sloth. Maybe a baby sloth because they’re so damn adorable! And pee once a week? Brilliant! I just know my hubs would love that! I think a sloth hug would be a great 12th wedding anniversary and I have plenty of time (’til January) to get this planned. Thanks for bringing these idea gems to our attention Jenny! You’re the best!

OMG Victor’s face was bloody priceless! Is that the same face he gave with the Giant Metal Rooster? My goodness woman. My 7th anniversary is coming up and I was just going to do something sweet. But now it just looks like chump work next to this! Back to the drawing board.

oh god DAMN YOU jenny, he’s a god damn lucky man!! i’m so jealous!! i try to desperately convince my husband that a monkey tea party for either my birthday or aniversary is like the most thoughtful bestest present ever. he strongly dissagrees. he’s all “monkeys will eat your face and they throw poop”. so i always tell him “not if you don’t feed them xanax and wine, and if you’re being a shithead the monkey’s smart enough to point that out by throwing poop at you to inform you”. i wish we were best friends. i would buy/ rent/ steal fun presents for you, because i get you. i got a big fat nothing yesterday for my aniversary. nothing says I’ love you this much” like a big ole fat case of nothing. that sloth is awesome.

The thing about that chart that really gets me is the first three years. It’s like, U.S. was all “Paper is clearly ideal to celebrate the first anniversary.” And the U.K. is all “Oy! Fuck off, wanker, cotton is obviously first! Paper comes second!” Then we fought a revolutionary war to settle the differences, which resulted in both sides agreeing that, whatever first and second were, leather – CLEARLY – is ideal for the third anniversary. Since that’s about the time when you need to “spice things up.”

Now this was awesomeness at its best! I bow to you oh great Bloggess! 🙂 Thank you for sharing such a wonderful day! I’m so glad you were able to have such a wonderful mayhem filled day!

I guess it’s only fair that we share your joys as well as your heartaches! My heart still goes out for you and Poesy. i’m still morning the loss of my 12 year old pug we had to let go of almost three weeks ago. I’m not sure when it will get better or when I will think of her without crying.

I just had my 15th anniversary and got a crystal vase- where is my metal chicken????!!!!!! WTF. I want a metal chicken. Clearly my husband does not know the correct gift to buy. I might have to trade him in for a sloth.

Priceless. This post almost made me wish I was married just so I could have so much fun at someone else’s expense, but then I remembered anniversaries meant husbands, and now I’m not longer wishing I was married. I do have kids though, but I don’t think they’d let me give them back so then the prank would be on me.

Hi Jenny! I just wanted to let you know that 1)this post was awesome and funny and I loved it and also that 2)I just nominated Let’s Pretend This Never Happened for an Alex Award, which is chosen each year by the Young Adult Section of the American Library Association for the Ten Books Written for Adults with High Teenager Appeal. I am sadly not on the committee that will actually get to chose the winners, but I do work with teenagers and think it stands a good chance!

So I bought the book and read about Beyonce and said, “holy crap! I want a chicken!” my husband said, “good luck with that,” and forgot it. Until I SAW one on the side of the road and bought it. Today, I read him your 16th anniversary blog. He is very, very afraid.

My 16th anniversary is tomorrow 1996 was a great year :). Maybe I’ll get my husband a sloth too, since Wikipedia says that is gift for 16th anniversaries… BTW I can’t believe it has been a whole year since we were introduced…we owe it all to Beyonce (the metal one, not the real one)! (BTW I laughed so hard at those posts I cried and couldn’t speak to tell my husband why I was crying). So Happy Anniversary to us – thank you for sharing yourself with us!

Just when I thought there was no POSSIBLE way you could top Beyonce, you go and do this. YOU ARE MY FRIGGING HERO!!!
I want a sloth hug even more than a frozen yogurt topped with gummy bears (which I’ve been longing for, for over a week).
P.S. Victor’s expression is hilarious.

LOVE!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ !!! I hope my husband looks up a bloggess gift guide before our next anniversary … what could make a girl happier than her husband's gratefulness that she isn't installing tetanus-inducing-lawn-art???

Aw, congratulations Jenny! I loved that you are still having fun like this after 16 years. The picture of Hailey made my day, I can only imagine how fucking excited she was, so fun. I can’t wait to send this post to my 32 yo girlfriend that told me 2 weeks ago that she thought sloths were mythical animals. Love to you always.

OMG. Those were some of the cutest animals ever. I am jealous of Victor and Hailey. And sometimes I wonder if you can possibly be a real person because you do the things that other people don’t even dream of doing except in their wildest fantasies (and even then, possibly not). Happy anniversary! I am so glad you all enjoyed yourself so much. I know that one baby sloth hug cannot fill the Posey hole in your heart, but I’m glad that you were still able to take in all this joy and love.

This is so totally awesome. We recently celebrated our 22nd anniversary, which we dubbed the Nixon anniversary after I tried to show someeone how long we had been married by holding up my index and middle fingers of both hands in a V sign to make 22.

Re: the update: Here’s how I imagine things will play out in the future. People will drive down the road in our neighborhood and see two (yet to be purchased) very large metal chickens in the front yard, side by side. One will turn to the other and say, “Oh, honey, isn’t that sweet? They’ve been together at least 15 years.” Then the other one will turn to them, grab their hand, look them in the eye and say, “that’ll be us one day.” It’ll be a heart-warming moment. One they’ll cherish until they too get their own pair of giant metal chickens.

Ever since I saw Steven Tyler with his sloth I’ve been promoting the fact that I needed one too. My husband thinks I don’t understand the difference between “need” and “want”. I do understand. Oh, I DO understand and I certainly do NEED one. Everyone needs one, especially now that we know they only pee once a week!! Thank you for the added ammunition for my argument.

Never have I been more jealous of you than I am right now. I’ve always wanted to hug a sloth. My 17th anniversary is coming up and I think your list failed to mention that 17th anniversary = mermaid. Of course NOAA just officially declared that mermaids don’t exist (liars), so I’ll have to settle for a fairy or maybe a Pegasus.

It’s a shame that a) we’re both already married and b) both straight because I would TOTALLY LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER WITH THIS KIND OF ANNIVERSARY GIFT LIST.

Victor is a lucky, lucky man, even though he doesn’t realize it. I’m so jealous. My husband always buys me some shit that plugs in and helps with either cooking or cleaning. As if I am happy about THAT. (My anniversary is at the end of the month….I’ll probably get a fucking vacuum.

Jenny, in all seriousness, I love you. Far more than people I even actually know in real life. You are so much fun, I would give anything to be your bud. Plus, I love Victor and Hailey because they’re awesome.

OMFG! Laughing my ass off here…almost peed my pants! I am at work and not being on task right now!! I am thinking I need to only read your blog at lunch:) This was seriously AWESOME! Thank you for cheering me up on my faux Monday (I realize it is Thursday, but after a day off then back to work…ugh.)!

You made me freaking cry like a little baby because you are the most AWESOME (in the truest sense of that word) woman on the face of this planet and several others. Even in the midst of heartbreak.
….seriously? Only once a week?

Apparently you’re going to have to come up with a way to somehow make him the ruler of China for your 17th wedding anniversary! That’s going to take even more planning than procuring a sloth and a baby kangaroo!

I have a friend who doesn’t get around the internet much. I sent her a copy of the original Beyonce post (which in my mind is the “Knock, knock, motherfucker” post because when I read it I laughed until I cried. I just sent her this one. So, your anniversary posts are now a tradition for others. I think you should have your own holiday.

I could not but giggle when I read that the 5th anniversary gift is “Wood”, and it doesn’t describe. My husband will be so excited thinking he does not have to go out and buy me anything, that he’s got the gift covered. Hahahaha!

This couldn’t have cheered me up more! Going through such a tough time at the moment but you never fail to make me smile. Happy anniversary. P.S is there anyway you could keep the sloth, the cuddles look very therapeutic.

I was having a really crappy morning. My son was cranky, I was running late, the MBTA CLOSED the parking garage I normally use and the next nearest one was inaccessible. I had to go home, drop off the car and restart my commute using the bus for the portion I normally drive. By the time I found myself on the train I was looking at being a good two hours late to work.

Then I read about pet sloths and a small child finding a kangaroo in her living room.

I had to put my cancer riddled cat to sleep a couple of weeks ago so last friday I adopted another cat who turned out to be sick and died on Tuesday. I need the phone number of these zoomagination folks! Sloth hugs sound like just the ticket!

OK, so I doubt you read all these – in between the sloth and wallaby and raising a kid and being an eminently successful writer, who has time?– but I’d like to point out that everyone in the comments is talking about what an awesome memory you made for your daughter (OK, not everyone, because, you know, I work for a living and there are about 3,000 comments here already, who has time to read this stuff?) but all I kept flashing on was the dead squirrel pet from your book, and I know the wallaby wasn’t dead (neither was the sloth, and I assume the hedgehog was alive as well), but I’m just waiting for your daughter’s book, because… damn.

So pleased to find all these creatures weren’t actually stuffed. (Sorry, first thought offence there).
Adore the effort that went into this. Did you have some meds handy for your husband… he can surely NEVER complain he is bored with you. Funniest thing I have read since….well, since Beyonce.
?
BB

while I think your traditional gifts list is awesome…i am quite worried about the effect you have on my wife…i am sure you have given her some very bad ideas for our next anniversary! oi… but really if you are going to give a pet… what could be better than a sloth? Who does that? double oi…

I just found this blog, but I think we would be totally best friends. And I am so getting my husband a sloth in May. I missed the metal chicken, though I did consider a large metal owl when I was out grocery shopping on my anniversary.

This post made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself, and then made me remember a thought I had while reading your book and doing the same thing: Your book needs to have a few pages at the end that are little perforated cards directing people to your website. That way, when I’m reading the book in a public place and laughing so hard I can’t breath, and someone looks at me like I’m crazy and asks me *what* am I reading, I can just hand them a little card. And then continue reading / not breathing. Everyone wins.

Jenny! Best. Presents. Ever.. Glad to see that look of joy on your face to help heal your Posey-grief. Does Victor realize how lucky he is? You two are a match made in heaven (where, I suspect, there is absolutely no giant metal chicken shortage. Like, at ALL. but they might be a bit more censored up there. As in, “Knock, Knock, motherfu…..um…. St. Peter”!

Next time I forget to get my husband an anniversary present (or you know, spend all my money on nail polish so i can’t afford to get him a gift) I’m going to do this. And then I’ll be all Just Kidding! And he’ll be so happy that he won’t even care that I didn’t get him a present.

well…you did it. You were able to “outdo” Beyonce (the chicken, not the singer). I didn’t think you could (and Beyonce is still my favorite post), but now you’ve spoiled your husband and he’s going to be EXPECTING something to outdo the sloth/baby kangaroo. Given that it’s you, I’m sure he won’t be disappointed! Wishing you happiness for at least 16 more years!

OMG I had to scroll down FOREVER to get to the bottom of the comments so I could leave this one! Anyway, post more photos of the sloth, she’s adorable!!!! Best anniversary gift EVER. Wish I was married to you.

OMG I had to scroll down FOREVER to get to the bottom of the comments so I could leave this one! Anyway, post more photos of the sloth, she’s adorable!!!! Best anniversary gift EVER. Wish I was married to you.

I just want to make sure you have a correct understanding of the 20th year gift. Otherwise a lot of Asian people are going to be pissed. I’m not sure Victor would know what to do with an entire Communist nation, anyway.

You’re right of course. People are hardly ever prepared for unexpected sloths in the house. Freaking brilliant. I can’t wait for my 15th and 16th year wedding anniversaries. I might be receiving a divorce though…

Just finished your book…omg, where have I been…in a pit? Now I’ve found your blog – and I am doomed…or blessed…dunno.
Pet Sloth! yes, best pet ever, however, I am a knitter and am now seized with the urge to knit a set of leg warmers … perhaps a wee hat… I’ll get over it…

Jenny, Now I’m reaaaaaly pissed at you. I was listening to your audio book on my lunch break when I realized how Fucked up you are…. and how we have way too many things in common. So… that must mean I’m fucked up too. Here I went on 35 years of thinking I was clever and perfect and now you made me realize that NO… I’m just crazy bananas… (not that bananas are crazy, they are actually very mellow, and yellow… like safron, like that song… shit… going back to the point…)
You broke me. And now you made me see that my last anniversary was unproperly celebrated. We had no joeys, no sloths (besides the hubby. It’s ok, he doesn’t read blogs). We just made jokes about my jar collection of animal body parts and had a nice dinner.
Any warnings for what would be the animal of the year for our 17th??
In only two hours you broke me twice…. This is way I should be freaking working and not reading your blog.
Or…. maybe we are both not fucked up…. I think is everyone else with a problem…. there, I can breath again… But I’m still going to be careful around you. If you come up with new revelations I’ll just turn off the monitor….

1. I feel ridiculous that I only now discovered your blog and Beyonce.
2. I wish I had half as much creativity as you. My life would be so much more… WILD.
3. I want a baby kangaroo! And because I grew up with Winnie the Pooh, of course I’d name it Roo. 🙂

And I’m sorry to hear about Posey. I’d fill the hole in my heart with a cuddly sloth too. And my husband would probably tell me I’m the most awesome person in the world for bringing home a sloth. So now I’m off to find a zoo group in my area that will let me do something like this!