If Your Sex Style Were Weed, Which Would It Be?

Which types of THC resemble your boning moves?

People just love classifications. So, if the way you got down and dirty were a certain type of marijuana consumption, which one would it be? Keep in mind, this is assuming you’ve had sex before and aren’t some loser virgin. You wouldn’t be some loser virgin, right? Of course not. You smoke weed. And weed is tight. Just like sex.

Welcome to the club.

Are you a...

Indica

While an enjoyable, relaxing sect of the THC world, you might not want to be an indica in the sack. You start out comforting, maybe a massage or some light foreplay, but then you can sort of just lie there, nearly catatonic, which isn’t very interesting for boning. Sometimes you even eat an entire bag of Pirate’s Booty. That might be a few people’s kink, but it’s probably more of a turn off.

Sativa

You start off pretty focused, and you get right down to the point. But after a bit, you get a little scatter-brained. You’re all over the place, jumping from one zone to another without much strategy. When you attempt to spice things up with some dirty talk, you inevitably ramble on about UFO classifications. For some, it’s out of this world.

Hybrid

As it was told in the ancient tome Goldilocks and the Three Bears, one option is juuuuust right. And that’s you, hybrid, smooth and energetic. Let’s forget I used a beloved children’s tale for this sex discussion. Don’t tell anyone about that. Moving on…

Dab

Oh, the mighty dab! You’re a powder keg that leaves some in a blissful state of shock. You rock the bedrock, as they say (people say that, no?). But your jackhammering orgasmic force comes fast and hard, which can be too intense for some. Or maybe only “consumed” in small doses. Good luck.

Edible

You start easy, slow. It’s a marathon—not a sprint—you say. You take your time, easing into it, sometimes meandering in slow foreplay for over an hour, maybe two. You’re just about to take off. And when you get there? You stay there. A high plateau just humming along, blissful and buzzing, for hours at a time. You can barely handle it, that near-climax peak being teased out for so long. You’re gonna lose your mind. You’re gonna transcend some base level of human consciousness. You’re having tantric sex, baby. You’re Sting.