Anger in Marriage: Failure of Compassion and the Rise of Contempt

Why should I care if you don't care?

Most marriages end in a whimper, not a bang. The final rupture is not caused by too much anger or abuse or infidelity. Rather, most marriages die a slow, agonizing death from too little compassion.

Compassion is sympathy for the hurt or distress of another. At heart it is a simple appreciation of the basic human frailty we all share, which is why the experience of compassion makes you feel more humane and less isolated.

Compassion is necessary for the formation of emotional bonds. Think of when you were dating someone you eventually came to love. Suppose you had to call that person and report that your parents had died. If your date responded with, "Well, that's tough, call me when you get over it," would you have fallen in love with that person? Chances are, you fell in love with someone who cared about how you felt, especially when you felt bad.

Most of what you fight about now is not money or sex or in-laws or raising the kids. Those are common problems that seem insurmountable only when you're hurt. What causes the hurt, i.e., what you really fight about, is the impression that your partner doesn't care how you feel. When someone you love is not compassionate, it feels like abuse.

As compassion decreases, resentment automatically rises, making common problems insoluble. If unfettered by the better angels of our nature, resentment inevitably turns into contempt.

Contempt is disdain for the hurt of others, due to their lower moral standing, character defects, mental instability, ignorance, or general unworthiness. Contempt is powered by a low but steady dose of adrenalin. So long as the adrenalin lasts, you feel more confident and self-righteous in blaming your bad feelings on some defect of your partner. But you also feel less humane. And when the adrenalin wears off, you feel depressed.

Both compassion and contempt are extremely contagious and highly influenced by projection. If you're around a compassionate person, you're likely to become more compassionate. If you're around a contemptuous person, you're likely to become more contemptuous, unless you make a determined effort to remain true to your deepest values. If you project onto others that they're compassionate, they are likely to become more considerate. If you project contemptuous characterizations, such as, "loser, abuser, selfish, lazy, narcissistic, irrational, devious, etc.," they are likely to become more so.

By the time couples come to our boot camps for chronic resentment, anger, or emotional abuse, they have developed entrenched habits of protecting their respective vulnerabilities by devaluing each other. They try to justify their contempt with "evidence" that the partner is selfish, lazy, narcissistic, crazy, abusive, etc. Mutual contempt makes them both feel chronically criticized and attacked, although neither really wants to attack the other. They feel like victims and rationalize their bad behavior as mere reactions to the awful behavior of the other. Their defenses so automatically justify their resentment and contempt that they cannot possibly see each other.

Neither can they see that their resentment and contempt have cut them off from their deeper values and made them into someone they are not.

Once defenses become habits, they run on automatic pilot and resist change through insight. They will likely recur in any future relationship that stirs guilt, shame, and anxiety, that is to say, any close relationship.

The only way out, whether the couple stays in the relationship or not, is to focus on compassion - not to manipulate change in the other - but to feel more humane and to reconnect with their deepest values.

The problem is that most couples are afraid to embrace compassion once they've been hurt. My next post will address the understandable but self-destructive fear of compassion.

I really like your optimism that compassion can heal even major wounds in a relationship; it's a great call to us to have integrity in difficult situations, to be true to our highest values. But do you sometimes see people with "fatal flaws" such as strong addictions, severe Axis I or II disorders, or extensive promiscuity? That is, do you ever see people who don't respond very much (i.e., they don't respond to compassion by being more compassionate) even when their partners treat them more lovingly? I'm not secretly seeking for permission to withhold compassion--a path I'd rather never take--but I'm asking if there are times when it would be wise to adjust our expectations that an angry/contemptuous person might stop behaving that way when we are compassionate to them.

I strongly agree with tactics you advocate, but am interested too in whether any amount of compassion can get through to people with drug / alcohol addictions? Or whether there are other tactics you can try in a contemptuous relationship.
I have tried to be kind and compassionate for 7 years but the kindness is taken mistakenly as weakness.

Dr. Stosny asked me to remind you that compassion is not a tactic to manipulate change in your partner. Your partner's compassion has to change him/her. Your compassion lets you feel authentically connected to your core value. When not compassionate to someone you love, you experience unconscious guilt and shame that eventually turns to contempt for your partner and a bit of self-contempt. It is never compassionate to cooperative with or tolerate self-destructive behavior such as addictions or abuse. Your partner doesn't have much of a chance of overcoming an addiction without learning emotion regulation. There is a lot about that on our website, http://compassionpower.com/

I enjoyed this post immensely. It is very in tune with recovery work. Reaching within to find your best self... focusing on what you can control (yourself) vs what you can't (others)... finding ways to care about people with serious addictions or problems (alcoholism, etc.) by realizing you can hate the addiciton without hating the addict. All these are the foundation of recovery work.

I enjoy your insights and would like you expand on this statement "Contempt is disdain for the hurt of others, due to their lower moral standing, character defects, mental instability, ignorance, or general unworthiness." How do you fit this together with compassion? Being compassionate seems to be a moral standing and that is what you are promoting you want people to be compassionate. Therefore it seems that not being compassionate is a lower moral standing. Therefore it seems that not all morals are equal there are morals that are higher then other morals. So is there a hierarchy of morals like there is a hierarchy of values?

What constitutes a sign of contempt? Is it swearing at the other person? Is it never finding the other person adequate?
What if each person thinks the other is the one holding them in contempt and that they don't have anything to do with the problem?

Not sure through which blog would be best to address my question/dilema. what role does recent lose of a sibling have in relapse? We went through your bootcamp and found it very enlightening. His abuse was over 20 years long. He showed improvement with work still to be done (on both our parts). He chose to file for divorce after his sister passed and became emotionally abusive to me and my son again (actually, it started with my son even sooner). After 2 months of abuse and pushing for me to get moving with the divorce on my end (and I was), he changed his mind and wants back (feels like the typical abuse cycle i lived forever). He learned through a grief counselor that all of this is a typical response to loss of sibling (the abuse and wanting divorce). I truly feel sad for his loss (and mine, I loved her too) and can't imagine how devasting it must be for him. I also feel like I cannot live with abuse anymore for any reason. I feel unhealthy in my ability to have my very own values, beliefs, emotions, feelings. I want to have a new kind of relationship with him as good coparents. He is saying I have now left him in his worst time of need.He said "I put the blame on resentment and selfishness- you live with that". " you ripped me off, you couldnt give 3 weeks of support through holidays" "mean-cold-discusting, not compassion". We were in the 11 month of repair after bootcamp and I was still struggling with trust unfortunately in the midst of his sister's cancer struggle. I feel horrible for not wanting to stay married to him and don't want to hurt him more. What is your thought? I so appreciate your advise and wisdom!

The natural motivation in grief is to become more compassionate and connect more to loved ones. For some, this natural inclination taps into great wells of guilt and shame for having failed at compassion and love for so long in the past. He must go deeper than the guilt and shame to get to his core value, which will make him compassionate to you.

Your husband will not heal from your compassion. He must heal from his own. If you tolerate his abuse, you'll prevent him learning that crucial life lesson and add to the wells of guilt and shame he must periodically numb with anger and aggression. He has far more core value work to do before he can be in an intimate relationship. He has learned the skills; now he has to do the work.

Dr. Stosny, I've got to disagree with you here regarding grief, as one who has experienced this first hand.

I don't believe that there is a natural motivation with grief. All of the research indicates that reactions can be unpredictable and all over the place.

When our daughter died, the reaction of my wife (now ex-wife) was to explode - at me, and only at me. I handled the funeral, and she blew up at me when I told her what the police, coroner, funeral director, cemetery manager, etc. said to me. She also blew up when I simply asked her mother if she had had a good night's sleep. Never once did she reach out to me compassionately, and never did she do so in conversations regarding our daughter; in fact, she kept telling me that our deceased daughter was my least favorite child, and would argue her case if I disagreed with her for the next three years until she handed me divorce papers, moved four hours and left me behind with our two surviving children.

Grief is messy. Some reach out compassionately to loved ones, but others attack them.

Hello Dr. Stosny,
I care a great deal for my husband, and do love him very much. He has battled anger issues for most of our relationship (almost 30 years). I used to become apologetic and try to reason with him logically when he would react to something I said or did which offended him (although I had not intended to), but his anger would only increase. I would become so frustrated that I would cry--which he said meant I was trying to manipulate him. What finally worked for me was to get angry back--but using as much logic as possible, and not get too emotional, and stand up for myself. Over the past few years this has worked well, especially when I use logic and standing up for myself, but with less anger and more compassion towards him.

My dilemma now is that over the past couple of years he has behaving in a way that fits your description of contempt. When he starts a conversation, he makes constant eye contact and bids for attention, and I respond with comments and feedback. But when I start a conversation, frequently he will not respond at all and will ignore me, or get up and walk off. He has hearing problems, but if I repeat myself he will say "I heard you, I was just thinking!" and get angry, or tell me "I'm thinking on a higher plane right now" or "I've gone beyond what you are/were talking about". He also exhibits a kind of moral superiority, often asking me my opinion on something, and when I answer responds with "you really think/believe that? Huh", but will not elaborate. When I tell him an idea, he'll respond with "I've got a better idea" or "this is a better way of doing (whatever)", but never any input on what I've originally said.

Is this a reaction to the way I deal with his anger? This behavior makes me feel very sad and small, and I would like a way to deal with it without becoming angry myself. Do you have any suggestions? Thank you.

When I am angry at my spouse he shows me compassion/affection. The issue for me is, since the type of compassion he shows me mostly happens when I'm upset, feelings hurt, it feels more like manipulation on his part. It is becoming harder for me to show the compassion back since I distrust his motive. I don't think he means it that way. I think the rest of the time he is content doesn't feel the need. He says I'm becoming hard to "take care of". I am very confused. I'm trying to determine I what I need to do. I admit I become cold. It's not something I do on purpose or have a lot of control over. I guess I feel like I'm letting him get away with his contemtous behavior if I become more companionate. The contempt towards me is what usually causes my anger or hurt feelings. I feel I'm often put second to his best friend. This causes hurt and anger on my part.

Married 15 years, first 1 or 2 years were OK. Has sucked since. About 7 years ago I "checked out"; no longer care and no longer trying. As the saying goes; have no expectations and you won't be disappointed. As for me; 5 more years the youngest turns 18 and it's bye bye. I now know this person I call my wife was a mistake and can never be what I want or need. Wish I knew it earlier. Can't wait to leave. I just feel robbed of all these years that were SUPPOSED to be good.

I was surfing the net to read about "loss of compassion" for my wife. Contempt is the precise word to describe my feelings as described in this article. I try so hard to smother it with kindness and positive thinking, but realize that sometimes goodbye is the only way. Right now, I am sacrificing my own peace of mind for the sake of my 5 year old son but realize that being a martyr is not noble. Unfortunately, my weak financial position and life circumstances do not allow for a divorce at this very moment. I am learning the lessons of patience...

She became contemptuous towards me first. I just didn't realize it because I did not know what contempt was in the context of a relationship until I read some articles. My wife was 'hardened' as a child. Her parents lacked affection, empathy and weren't very nurturing. Today they're in their 80's and down-right nasty towards each other and I see my wife becoming them more and more each day.

I will be married 15 years. When we married he was working 2 jobs as he had recently finished a second degree and was getting that business started. 10 years later, he gave up the 1st job. Leaving me to sit alone for those 10 years waiting. Picking up the slack in running a home, working, family and now a new business. He was divorced and I had been widowed.

My husband complains about everything. I've told him that 97% of everything that comes out of his mouth is negative and I've found myself walking on eggshells and rushing ahead of him to prepare whatever to keep ahead of the bitching. The more I prepare or take care of the current list the more additions he makes to his list of unhappiness. He is an only child and is estranged from his son and partially his daughter as he cheated on their Mother (who is not blameless) but she over 20 years taught the kids to hate their father and its a deep hate. They project their hate on me as well as if I broke their family up so the relationship is paralyzed. If I say something it gets twisted into something else; then I decided to not say anything or participate and that made me "aloof, smug, and demeaning" . His parents are nice people but are not affectionate and from that time when people just didn't show it.

He has been internet cheating since we were married. And has had relationships - not physical sex that I know of - but has admitted to dinners and meet ups and I've seen the texting and phone call records. He prefers the porn video's and masturbation over our personal intimacy - mostly because he has failing function and can only perform right at that moment and pleasing someone besides himself on many topics is effort he doesn't choose to expend. And when I ask him to speak to the doctor about medication...he says maybe and that's the end of that conversation.

I've continued to support him, encourage him, compliment him as I told him the other day during us discussing splitting - I never leave a conversation without having given you something positive. Words matter, the ones you say and the ones you don't say.

He tells me he thinks he's not that bad. I tell him he's got a lot of good things about him - he just sucks a marriage and not being self centered and selfish.

We were going to a party that we fun dressed up for just a week ago - I turned and said don't I look cute with my boa and top hat? He wouldn't answer. I said, it's okay honey repeat after me.....You look cute honey....NOTHING.

When I confront him with or without tears - he says he's 62 and unlikely to change. So if I don't like it...I can stay or go. I'm starving and being drained at the same time....though he doesn't want me to go because it would be a financial hardship that he would have to figure out and I worry about being able to manage financially on my own too....

To complicate matters, my adult daughter and granddaughter live with us as my daughter is a brain cancer patient and actively on chemo - so the decisions I make are not only for myself. But he is not on any better behavior with them in the house or the situation.

I work full-time and make more than he does though he has pension income - I was making dinner, doing homework with the grandchild, and he was complaining that someone had eaten some of the macaroni salad - I turned and said I just put some on the table for your dinner! I have to admit now in retrospect it wore on me like finger nails going down a blackboard and maybe I was overwhelmed at the moment. But he exploded throwing 2 lbs of mac salad onto the floor and screaming as he retreated to the bedroom. I've been sleeping on the couch since then...trying to decide for the 3 of us what's right. I cannot let a child live in this atmosphere and my daughter is sick. He says I spoke rudely to him - I said; I didn't mean to and there was no malice intended...but that if I did and if I were over loaded at that moment why couldn't he show basic compassion and just put his arms around me and say honey ...just breathe?

He just morphs to rage...

I don't know what the secret sauce is for this person and I doubt anyone can figure it out. He knew when we got married that my daughter had a benign tumor and I fully explained what could be around the corner. I don't want a failed marriage but I cannot leave my child and grandchild -not cared for either. Her father previously died of brain cancer and we are a very small family without close relatives to help out.

How do I work with a person like this and not ruin myself, what time my daughter has left on this planet and a 10 year old?

His response is to ask me to go to a 1 star diner for dinner, or stop at McDonald's for ice cream. He figures if we just start doing stuff it will all blow over and he can get another 6 months out of me. I'm tired of being packed in my house waiting for the next blow up....but I just don't know how not to fight for my marriage...I just don't know how to give up....and I'm struggling and hear broken that the love I've given has fallen on deaf ears...

I just wanted to reach out to you as I see no one replied but you’re going through significant issues. Your husband has demons that he likely will never face and address. He lashes out at you as a form of control and because he himself is hurting. He may even have mild depression. I live with a man who is ruining my life at a more ‘minor’ level to your husband’s, I couldn’t imagine enduring what you do. My suggestion is to leave him but only after you have thought out a well planned exit strategy. You want to feel safe in your decision and allow yourself to grieve while your family has their needs met. Look into social assistance programs and what you can leverage through your community. It’s going to negatively affect your health to stay in a toxic relationship. He’s incapable of change as long as you are in his life. This rings true for my husband as well who has received several warnings of how miserable I am and a potential divorce but he quite simply doesn’t care and blames me for most of what’s going on. In my situation he is also a wonderful father and a great man while being a pretty lousy husband so I live in a limbo state worried that I’m making a grave error planning an exit strategy. We humans have to endure so much pain in our lives. It’s completely unfair. I hope your outcome is positive for you and your family.

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