Monday, August 30, 2010

yea..writing this confession with an apple stuck between my upper and lower vestibule..XD

okay..let me start...=) not really much as a confession but rather a rant...i know u will know who im pointing this to but well,this is something i couldnt slap it on your face so...forgive me but at times...at times it really kills my mood...

i didnt slap it on your face but sometimes, it totally kills my mood....makes me go "whatever" mood and sometimes i really wanna slap it on your face by saying "i never ask for your opinion..im just telling so shut it!"...

like when im telling u about the new song i heard of or the group that just debut, cant u just listen like how i used to listen to all your prob??? i probably never shared my worst day or the worst nightmare so if im going to say something, couldnt u just put ur ears on and listen?? rather than going "im not interested" "it doesnt even sound nice" "whatever, im going to sleep" ... sometimes, i really regretted that i told you something i feel there is a need to share among my qingu...

but the respond i got...totally slap me across my face...totally goes like "u are so lame to tell me all this" "i had 0 interest in this mentally retarded stuff..keep it to yourself"..at times, am i really a qingu to a qingu??? or im just a stone where ppl spill their sadness and trouble, to walk away after they feel better...i dont mind listening...but dont make me feel like im just a pabo...a tool to make one feel better....

i seriously doubt myself before...do i really...had a good friend...a friend who never think of using me...a friend who care to listen...a friend who cheers me up when im down...a friend who never ask why im sad but quietly sit beside me and makes me feel better.....

i actually found...not someone i see everyday (face to face) but...someone who i never see before..a friend who i know randomly...even just with words...she become a place where i depend alot on...a friend who never push me away...a friend who corrects me when im wrong..a friend who know im not alright when i insist im okay....a friend who is there to make me smile, even to a point, agree she is old...thank you unnie..thank you...at least i know....i know i had such a friend..thank you unnie!!! unnie, jeongmal khamsahamnida!!

is alright that i only had one...it would be better to have more...but even with this one, unnie, u had give me much strength to go on...last 2 days, i never feel so bad, so sucked up in the whole 2010...but u were there to make me feel better....rather than being a cold stone, u make some senseless jokes u would never will say it....i appreciate it..i really do~

and top of all, im happy that i could be who i am in front of you...rather than being a puppet or a clown...감사합니다 !!!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

now that i realised.....i post too much of video and picture spam in my blog~ XS

well, apart from complaining and grumbling and posting video, it seems like i have totally 0 idea on what to spill here..here in my own blog...hahahahahahha...sad things are meant for words while happy things are meant for????? scream??? shout??? talk??? well basically for sound?? okay, it sound weird...

still blank...aaaaa!!!! :D :D i really..i really really wanna say something instead of posting video, writing all my crazy complain but, i really had ntg in my brain...so i guess this will be my post for now...

This is a fan account by a SHINee fan, but it's completely relevant because it's mainly about HoMin and Cassiopeia.

After everything that happened yesterday, the shock of being at the live concert, the heartache, the wonderful heartwarming moments, and then seeing all the photos and videos, there are so many emotions that I honestly dont' know how to express. I wanted to start writing something last night, but I really didn't know how to start. That night, I was in awe, not only by our kids, but also Yunho and Changm and the wonderful Cassiopeia and Shawols. Looking back on the videos from 2 years ago, I suddenly realized that our kids have really grown up. They used to run after their hyungs like their beloved dongsaengs, or perhaps they were a source of motivation...

I've always really admired Yunho, the past few years in Korea, everything about him, from his personality to his reputation, everything about him made people who loved him proud. That is why, when I saw the 8 whole banners dedicated to him at the stadium, I wasn't surprised at all. Even when the entire stadium erupted with screams of 'JUNG YUNHO', I wasn't surprised. Someone like him is totally deserving of that kind of love. I really like him as well, because I know that Yunho loves our SHINee, he buys them food and goes to watch their performances to give them support and encouragement, and he and Changmin always play basketball and go bowling with Minho. He brought Jonghyun and Key to dinner to watch the World Cup together, and went to Taemin's dance training sessions despite having to work on his own CFs, magazine shoots and rehearsals. He helped our kids make the perfect 2nd album. He was even their for their comeback stage, going to the venue with them and staying with them backstage...

Knowing that the kids have a hyung like that makes me really happy and completely content. Everything that Yunho endured as the leader of TVXQ, he's spoken to Onew about. He's taught him so much, yes, he's always trying his best to help Onew become an even greater leader than he is. At the same time, he also knows about the burdens and responsibilities he has to shoulder as a leader, and that is why, compared to the 4 other members, he is especially kind to Onew. Only because he knows too well how difficult it is to be in that position and how important it is to show him love and support. Onew, being younger and softer than Yunho needs extra love and protection. This hyung has put so much effort into protection our kids, in the hope that his personal experience will help get them further and make them a better group. This is why, last night, when I saw a tired, quiet and expressionless Yunho exchanging glances with the 5 members; when I saw Onew by his side, Taemin putting his arm around his waist, Minho tugging him along and Jonghyun and Key walking past him over and over again to help cheer him up, I felt content and proud. Huuhuu, I don't know whether it's because I'm too much like a mother, everytime I see the SHINee members showing love for their hyung, I feel a rush of pride. They're kids who really know the meaning of being grateful. Hyung's time and love hadn't been wasted, it's no wonder he likes you all so much.

Yesterday, in the hearts of Cassiopeia who had been waiting for over a year by now, there was bitterness and pain, but more than that, they were proud. Anyone who sees them would be in awe by the love and devotion they've shown towards their idols. Of course, this is because their idols really have made themselves worthwhile of their sacrifices, yet what amazed me most was that whether it be this year's Dream Concert or last night's SMTown concert, Cassiopeia gave TVXQ the same red ocean. Last night, when the big screen started to pay the VCR of HoMin, most of the fanlights had been switched off and I was almost a little shocked. However, in less than a minute, when HoMin descended from above, the stadium which had previously been a sea of various different colours completely transformed in to a red ocean. This kind of scene, whether you're a Cassiopeia or not, it really leaves people completely awestruck or even in tears. I saw lots of Cassiopeia noonas holding onto each other as tears poured out of their eyes. So many of them continued to wave their glow sticks and fan signs even as they were overcome with emotion.

That night, I should've been really happy because SHINee really delivered an amazing performance, they were so adorable and they had such a great time. Yet as I sat amidst the Cassiopeia noonas, I really couldn't help myself from screaming and crying with them. When HoMin's performance ended, they really lost control. If the tears from before had been the result of a year's worth of waiting, of pain, of controversy and of happiness over HoMin's return, then this time, it was simply because they'd lost it. They were in so much pain that they had all completely broken down. We've never heard the two talk about the pain and torment they've endured over the past year, yet we all understand, and that is why so many fans from all over the world have come to support them. In the end, the Yunho fans who were sitting next to me were still mumbling 'what to do what to do, (we) really want to go to the US, to China, to Japan, even if it's only for 6 minutes, 6 minutes is better than nothing, (we) have to go with him.' Some also said that seeing the fans with Bigeast towels who'd come all the way from Japan really hurt them more than anything. At the end of the concert, some of the Yunho fans came over to us Shawols and ELFs and bowed as they thanked us. Eventually, we all started crying with them, aish.

When I got home, I really wanted to see how the fans from China had reacted, of course, everyone was shocked and angry at first, but people slowly started to comfort one another, and I saw lots of words of encouragement from the fans. I was so touched! 'We'll treat it as though the purpose of their appearance was not to dance or to sing, but simply to see those who've missed them and to tell us that they're still protecting TVXQ, it's completely worthwhile.' 'Even though it only lasted 6 minutes and we waited 7 long hours, as long as we're able to catch a glimpse of them and see that they're well, it's enough.' There were lots of messages like that, and each and every single one of them touched me. All of a sudden, I remembered a conversation I'd had with a Yunho fan last night. I asked her why she loved Yunho so much and whether it was hard or tiresome for her. She replied 'I do get tired, of course I get tired, I get tired, bitter and angry. He really is a a fool, but there's really nothing we can do, we'll stay by his side and help him through the hard times because compared to everything he's been through, our suffering and our exhaustion is nothing.' After last night, I suddenly had a newfound love for these noona fans, I really really like them, they're definitely the most lovable fans I've ever seen.

Thinking about how good the oppas are to our SHINee and how nice the Cassiopeia noonas are to us, I really hope that one day, SHINee World will become just like Cassiopeia, so that our boys will be proud of us as well.

'Hello everyone, we are Dong Bang Shin Ki''Hello everyone, we are Cassiopeia'

This was the first time I've personally heard the exchange between TVXQ and their Cassiopeia and I was truly touched. I hope SHINee World and our boys will be able to achieve the same kind of perfect connection one day. I know we're not far from it…

Friday, August 27, 2010

like 2AM's song..am i really did wrong??? did i really did something wrong???

did i mess up everything n caused everyone in the worst state ever??but..it wasnt even my prob in the first effing place.....i dont know!!!! i hate it..i really do~~ why cant just understand my pov??!!!! why am i the one had to understand?!!!!!

why am i the one stuck in the middle and sucked up everything?!!i hate it..im doing my very best to make everyone happy..and why it is sooo hard to make everyone feel happy for the decision...

to accommodate with it, i really did my best..but how come i feel like i fucked up everything???? and i think i really fucked up everything..== a decision to make everyone happy, is it that hard??? i really...i really....i dont know what else i can do...

i really dont know...and to get scolded for something that is out of my concern, it is really....i dont know..the whole thing makes me @@ from the moment i open my eyes in the morning...

i understand everyone's position...but may i ask, who understand my stand????

to everyone, im sorry i couldnt fulfill ur condition...i did my very best...and i hope u could understand...to karen and adrian, im sorry..if i could just confirm the blm house, i wouldnt put u guys in such condition...