Memory, What I Can Do and What I Can’t (or couldn’t)

First I was overwhelmed and had no time. Then there was time but I needed it for rest. Then too much time had gone by and I didn’t know how to restart. Then I just felt plain guilty.

Today I’m putting it all behind and simply writing some words. I strive to one day come close to achieving what I believe to be the Queen’s motto – “Don’t complain and don’t explain”, but today will be yet another when I fall short, a long way short!

I have in mind that I must have wasted January although I cannot recall it at all. In early February my elderly mother fell on the footpath outside her neighbours house. Luckily it wasn’t long before someone spotted her and helped. She was taken to hospital and a fractured right wrist seemed a wonderful escape when we looked at her purple and black face and neck.

My mother has a profound faith in God and it is hard not to believe when you look at all the good that comes out of the bad in her life. Fractured right wrist on a right handed lady. She would not be able to look after herself at home and my home is not suitable. God smiled and she was accepted at the local private hospital and they agreed to keep her until the cast came off.

I was relieved, so relieved. But not for long. Mum lived in a small community 35 km (22 mi) from me; nice and close, but not quite close enough for daily visits. So I would see her once a week, but if my weekend was full, it would be once a fortnight. Now she was in a hospital a 5 minute drive from me and I visited every day. It didn’t take long for my relief to turn to horror when I saw how unwell she was and how frequently. I realised she could not go home, she could not live alone anymore.

Mum and Dancing With The Stars

She’d been in hospital about a month and I was starting to wonder how I would ever tell her that she needed to move into a nursing home. She talked about how she would be fine back home. I went home that night feeling truly gutted. I would have to tell her. The next day she told me she had decided she would not go home but move into a nursing home! It is my guess that when she listened to what she was saying she also heard that it was not possible, or at least not wise.

We began the process of getting approval for a nursing home place and finding a good one. Again my mothers faith was answered and the day she got her cast off she moved into a wonderful facility and into a warm and sunny room she now thinks of as her home.

But my roller coaster ride of emotions was not over. I had to pack up her home, work out what she would take with her and what to do with the rest. So many memories.

That is the short version of why I haven’t written a post in such a long time. I feel like I’ve let you down, but I also feel like I have done the opposite for the people in my life here. I hope you will understand. I originally wanted to keep personal life out of this blog, but art and life are inseparable.

13 comments

Hi Jan,
I think you are right that art and life are inseparable. I also think you have the best excuse for not posting (whereas I have no excuse at all). I’m quite sure you haven’t let anyone down, and it’s wonderful to know that your mother is happy and settled. All good!
Carol xxx

Your post touched a chord with many of us who have had similar experiences. Life continues to throw challenges our way. Thankfully your Mum is settling into a good new place. Sometimes we have to squeeze art into what time we find and sometimes there is little time to be found. Here’s wishing you some quality creative time.

Jan,
just do the best that you can. Your mother is lucky to have you! Art is therapy….so just keep on drawing! I wish to soon be able to start a blog or sketchbook type page. Just waiting to be on vacation!! All the best…you are a source of inspiration!!!!

There is courage in honesty Jan and we can all relate to your very personal ‘realness’ of your experience. Don’t feel guilty – you are letting no-one down…life throws us a curve ball every now and again and at the end of the day – family DO come first xx

You have precious times ahead to share with your Mum as you both adjust to this new way of being. Please take care of yourself as well and don’t waste time on feelings of guilt. I also loved your drawing of your Mum. You are so clever!

Thanks for sharing this little intimate part of your life. Something that most people go through at some stage I am sure. I love the pic, what an awesome way to capture a memory. I need a “like” button!