Revamping the Bar Mitzvah Experience

My bar mitzvah was a celebration of ignorance. It’s time to stop the charade.

Nineteen years ago this week I had my bar mitzvah. I stood at the bima and chanted the Torah portion and Haftorah. And I did not understand a single word that came out of my mouth.

I was congratulated for doing an amazing job. Friends and family lauded me for my hard work, my impeccable chanting, and for taking upon myself the additional responsibility of leading the Shacharit and Mussaf services which was only possible through countless hours of study and practice. Everyone was so proud. Nineteen years later I’m not really sure why. In many ways my bar mitzvah was a celebration of ignorance.

Whenever the synagogue subsequently called on me to chant the Haftorah and lead services, I felt like a fraud. How can I lead the congregation in prayer if I don’t understand the words I am saying? How can I use the prayer book as a way of communicating with God if I don’t understand my end of the communication? Does God really take pleasure me sounding out words for three hours on a Saturday morning? I was plagued by these questions, and bothered that nobody else seemed to care.

My grandfather, an Auschwitz survivor, implored me to put on tefillin every day. I did this diligently, waking up earlier than necessary, beseeching the Almighty with sounds I did not understand while wearing leather straps and boxes.

Years later I took a fresh look at the siddur. This time I looked at the English. It raised a new series of questions but at least I understood what I was saying. And after taking the time to learn more about Judaism as a discerning adult, I started finding answers to my questions.

Driving Jews Away

There’s a famous joke about a synagogue with a mouse infestation. After trying various unsuccessful methods for removing the rodents, the synagogue decides to give the mice bar mitzvahs, after which they were seen much less frequently. Does the typical experience of Hebrew school and bar/bat mitzvah do more to drive young Jews away from Judaism than draw them in to the beauty and depth of our rich heritage?

During my years as a campus rabbi I have asked hundreds of students – the vast majority of whom are not committed to communal Jewish life – about their Hebrew school and bar mitzvah experience. Over 80% felt that the “Jewish” part of their bar/bat mitzvah was a charade having more to do with making their family proud than taking a meaningful approach to embracing Judaism.

What message are we sending our youth when we embrace this charade? How does this affect a young Jew’s relationship with Judaism? Would we respect a professor who reads from a textbook but does not understand what he is saying? Would we give accolades to a student who does not understand the words coming out of his/her mouth during a presentation? Would you be moved in any way if your spouse read you a love poem in a language he/she does not understand? Where is the heartfelt communication?

Something needs to change. All the effort, energy, and passion we spend preparing our youth for their entry into Jewish adulthood could be better spent. Instead of focusing on chanting, we should focus on instilling Jewish values and literacy within our youth. If we want our newest adult member of the tribe to proudly represent the Jewish people, they have to know what the Jewish people represent. If we want our youth to embrace Jewish values, they have to know what those values are and where they come from. If we do not instill Jewish values in our youth they will obtain their moral compass elsewhere. As Kanye West, the rap superstar, says in his taunt to parents, “who [are] your kids going to listen to? I guess me if it isn’t you!” Do we really want the rap music industry being the source of our children’s values?

The bar mitzvah is an incredible opportunity to shape one’s appreciation for Judaism. If the service and Torah reading remain in the realm of chanting words not understood then the message we send is that the Torah is not worth understanding. Let’s instead give them an appreciation of the relevance and depth of Torah’s wisdom for living.

The Pew report published last October tells us that the retention rate regarding young Jews is very low. They simply are not interested in Judaism. It is hard enough to get a young Jew to take a free ten-day trip to Israel. We won’t succeed in getting young Jews to take Judaism seriously if we allow the bar mitzvah and other central aspects of Jewish celebration to remain mindless and unfulfilling.

I have met many Jews on campus who sincerely want to connect to Jewish spirituality even though they are frustrated praying in a language they don’t understand. I believe the value of Jewish literacy is embraced by the entire denominational spectrum. But the status quo is not working. Let’s end the charade and work together to find a ways to breathe some life back into Judaism.

About the Author

Rabbi Daniel Wolnerman studied for 6 years at Aish Jerusalem and received rabbinic ordination from the Jerusalem Rabbinate. He served as Hillel rabbi at the University of Florida and University of Miami, running innovative and engaging Jewish programming for university students and young professionals in Miami. He joined the Aish Toronto team in 2014, working as campus rabbi, and developing the Jewish Business Network and Jewish Health Network. He and his wife Brenda are the proud parents of Moshe, Nechama, and Noach.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 22

(18)
Rabbi Aryeh Moshen,
May 12, 2015 7:13 PM

The Package

The issue should not only be the Bar Mitzvah but the entire process of Talmud Torah to which Jewish parents subjected their poor children. We had to kill an hour a day, plus the time walking from school to the synagogue and then back to this charade where we learned a little Hebrew and to hate Judaism, partly for killing our prime time to have fun after school was over. The Jewish Community should have Jewish Education in Day Schools as a high priority. Participation should not be limited to orthodox children and the 10% of conservatives who attend. Summer fun and educational programs that teach Judaism should be financially encouraged to open their programs to children from less-religious backgrounds. And maybe Birthright could be expanded to bring high-school aged Jews to see Israel.

(17)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2014 11:48 PM

What If the Whole Family Had the Bar Mitzvah?

What if, when the child was 8 or 10 years old, the parents signed on to specific goals of their own to practice at home? Lighting candles for Shabbat and Yom Tov and Yahrzeit; blessing children; learning to bake your own challah; Modeh Ani; Kriat Sh'ma al haMita. Mother and father, and maybe siblings, would also commit to learning and doing specific things at home, and to learning Jewish history BESIDES the Holocaust (Jews in the labor movement! Jewish gangsters!) and Jewish songs...Ladino and Yiddish too, not just Hebrew. It's not a religion, it's potentially a way of life. Typically Mom and Dad never learned either. Let them make specific commitments too.

(16)
Madison Holland,
May 19, 2014 6:28 PM

Agreed. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah right of passage should focuss more on the adolescent Jew's comprehension and application of the Jewish values.

This was a brilliant article. I'm proud to say I have gotten to know the Wolnerman's over the last few months and I have spent many of Shabbat Friday night dinners and Saturday lunches with their family. Great atricle Rabbi Wolnerman! I loved this piece and I kinda wish I could go back in time and apply your message to my Bat Mitzvah experience.

(15)
Naomi Ruben,
May 19, 2014 5:15 PM

How do parents teach what they don't understand

We teach our children many things, but it is difficult to teach what we don't know. Many parents have a view that temple/synagogue and religious school is just as they were as kids. Do they themselves delve into their own beliefs, model studying and learning? Do they offer to teach in the religious schools? Do we pay people well who are excellent teachers? Judaism is a tiered study, and while Hillel may think we can teach it all on one foot, we need to offer varied experiences, and and various approaches to learning. I am not sure there is any sense of obligation taught, that possibly we encounter "Convince me that I should be Jewish." Do we allow people of our faith to learn and question and disagree? Are people shunned because their plates/homes/actions or are not "kosher enough" Do we nit-pick someone's level of observance instead of meet them where they are? Are prayers more important than actions? Could we have prayer books that have a line of English directly under a line of Hebrew with footnotes on the page? The new Reform Siddur has a lot of explanations surrounding the prayers. It takes a village to raise a Jew, Not everyone will want what we are selling, but we have to have a few things on our shelf to buy. One size does not fit all/

S Ray,
May 20, 2014 1:51 PM

There are several Artscroll siddurs that have what you want.

Try the Artscroll interlinear siddur or the transliterated siddur and I think you will be pleased with them.

Anonymous,
May 21, 2014 11:53 PM

Artscroll Interlinear Siddur

The Artscroll Interlinear Siddur has helped me a lot over the last few years in understanding the words. reviewing it during Chazarat Hashatz also helps.

(14)
Abraham Tache,
May 19, 2014 3:38 PM

I've been Saying the Same for Years

I am a 69 year old man with five children (3 males). I support Hillel in words and deeds. For years I've been saying that the Bar Mitzvah ceremony and "Bar Mitzvah Project" are an agony imposed on our children. I've been accused of being a "self-hating Jew" because for decades I've been saying that Bar Mitzvahs actually push our children out of our religion. My two younger sons (13 and 20) read the Hebrew prayers and could not wait to get out of the shul (my 23 year old son swore he'd never go back). Our family got lucky that, after several years of my insisting, my younger sons are going back to shul during the Holidays and some Shabbats. My youngest son now attends Friday night services at Hillel regularly at the University of South Carolina. A Bar Mitzvah should be a joyous occassion, not a ceremony to push a child out of our tribe.

(13)
Robert Rayburn,
May 19, 2014 2:04 PM

Bravo on your observations

I could not agree more with you because my background is very similiar to yours but you have taken the Jewsh journey even further. I see in my own Modern Orthodox Shul how a majority of participants have no idea what they are are saying because they had learned in their religious education to chant their Hebrew prayers by rote. The majority of my prayers are read silently in English while the person who is davening is speed davening. How many people really understand their prayers? There should be an overhaul in the Hebrew education system and make our religion and heritage more enjoyable to the masses. I would not be where I am today if it was not for my exposure to the Carlebach minyan at your parent's shul. From there I learned how beautiful prayer is and I was able to continue my journey. While I still question some practices that occur, I am able to accept and learn continously. You are the future for the continuance of our heritage and I would like to see more people like who are bringing Judaism to the masses.

(12)
Yoni Framowitz,
May 19, 2014 5:09 AM

Getting in touch with your Heritage

Birthright won't fix this either. The only chance is a massive outreach program. If the Jewish agency really wants to be "Jewish", and the "Jewish" state really wanted to be Jewish they should start by just teaching Hebrew under the title "Getting in touch with your Heritage".

(11)
Maddy,
May 19, 2014 12:06 AM

Learn the meanings in English before taking on Hebrew

I agree that chanting the text can be a void to some, but the greater way to retain Jews is probably by teaching them inspiring ideas in English. Reinforcing the spiritual connection before teaching how to read Hebrew will challenge the students and intrigue them to learn more...

(10)
michael reiter,
May 19, 2014 12:05 AM

Perfect!

I could not put it any better myself! I have experienced the same thing. Please do not tell me about JCC! This should not cost thousands of dollars. Any one who wouldwant to be able understand the Haftorah should be at no charge to the person! Thank you

(9)
cee,
May 18, 2014 11:56 PM

not clear about your background

Did you not understand what you were chanting because you did not have a Jewish education? Did you not understand because your Jewish yeshiva education did not include Hebrew language or Chumash? Sorry I am not clear why you did not understand what you were reading when you davened Shacharit, Musaf and lained the Torah and Haftara.

Isidore,
May 19, 2014 2:31 PM

education v. understanding

I think your comment needs to be answered thusly - it doesn't make a difference. Your question implies that you have an Orthodox background. Among the Orthodox the children do learn Chumash and learn to daven. But are they taught the relevance of what they are studying? How to apply Torah to their daily lives? How the prayers they are saying, usually by rote by the time they are bar miitzvahed, are more than mere words. Do they understand the meanings of the words, why they are placed in the sequence they appear in? I would doubt that more than a very small minority does in fact understand. And what about Navi - most yeshivas place their emphasis on Chumash and Gemorrah, ignoring Navi, History, Philosophy, Theology, etc. If all of this applies to Orthodox students, how much less to those in the other denominations. And speaking of the minority who do in fact understand and incorporate Torah into their lives, they are the ones who should be allowed to spend the rest of their time as adults, studying, while being supported by the community. The other students, who manage to get by with "B" or "C" grades - send them to trade school, we need mechanics, plumbers, electricians,. Send them to College, we need Lawyers, Doctors, Teachers, etc. But don't let them squander their lives in fruitless 'learning'.

(8)
Anonymous,
May 18, 2014 7:45 PM

agaree on need for change in bar mitzvah format

I could not agree more with the author's assessment. And although this may be a bigger problem outside of the Orthodox movement, it would be naive in the extreme to assume that Orthodoxy is immune. The Bar Mitzvah represents a real opportunity to teach students something real, and to 'grab; their minds and their hearts. The forced memorization of a portion of Torah is, I think, for the most part a missed opportunity.

(7)
Marlene Langert,
May 18, 2014 7:16 PM

Lack of connection to g-d.

Not only every male, but also the females I know that have been bar or bat mitzvahed tell the same story the author of this article tells. My belief is that not only are they not connected to their bar or bat mitvahs, but they , more importantly, are not taught about the Jewish connection and their own connection with g-d. THey are taught 613 rules or laws. That is not spirituality. THey are not taught about how g-d is always with us because he loves us and wants us to be close to him. All those laws do not bring that about. LOVE is the answer. THey need to be taught how much g-d loves them and , hopefully they will believe in Him and love him. That is spirituality! THat is when we feel our religion in our hearts and souls and do not become atheists as I would say the majority of Jews become.. Hebrew school teachers are missing the mark by not teaching the students about g-d and love.

(6)
Scott Noren DDS,
May 18, 2014 5:29 PM

What really needs to change...

I feel bad for the way you wrote the piece...although pretty true of my experience and other either reformed or conservative backgrounds, it is not characteristic of more observant families. As others have commented, their boys had much more depth to their yiddishkeit, which I would have been a sponge had I had that opportunity. Articles like this only tend to reinforce the divide between Chassidic and reformed movements. What needs to change is giving more time for religious studies and less time texting, secular interests and distractions.

(5)
chava,
May 18, 2014 4:40 PM

You're right, but....

You're right, of course. Bar Mitzvah lessons need to include what it means to be a bar mitzvah, what it means to take on the yoke of the commandments along with the values encompassed. This, in addition to learning to chant the Torah trop and Haftorah trop. It's a lot, especially for those who are growing up somewhere other than Israel, where, at least, the letters and words are familiar. But, I believe it's not necessary to understand every word that you say when you pray. I say tehilim regularly, and I usually understand the gist of what I'm saying, but definitely not every word, and sometimes not very much at all. But I figure that if David Hamelech wrote it, it's good to say it. And the same with the t'filot. They were written by people who had a true connection to HaShem, and yearned to express it. They were written by chachamim and tzaddikim. I can trust that what I say, even if I don't understand every word, will bring me closer to HaShem.

(4)
Geoffrey L Rogg,
May 18, 2014 4:07 PM

Bar Mitzvah

Firstly the recital of Torah and Haftorah as well as leadig other services may be considered part of celebrating one's Bar Mitzvah but totally unnecessary to become Bar Mitzvah. A Halachic Jewish boy becomes a Son of the Covenant (Bar Mitzvah) automatically on completion of his 13th birthday according to the Hebrew calendar.

I am unaware of what Hebrew education the writer had in his younger years but in London, UK I had to attend Cheder three times a week, Sunday morning, Tuesday and Thursdayevenings. In order to celebrate my Bar Mitzvah by being called up for the Torah and Haftora readings I had to pass an examination in Jewish religious studies set by the United Syagogue's London Board of Jewish Religious Education (Woburn House). No one can live in any culture without studying its traditions, liturgy and beliefs. It is the primary pre-requisite of Jewish Parents to ensure their childrens' religious education which is equally, if not more, important to their future as their secular education.

(3)
Anonymous,
May 18, 2014 3:43 PM

The way is to integrate being Jewish into your child's daily life

The Bar/Bat mitzvah does not work as an isolated event. Study Hebrew. You can begin to understand Torah and prayers with modern Hebrew. Have Shabbat family dinners. Light candles, say blessings, Challah, kosher wine, grape juice, if you choose. Start a conversation about the parsha or a Jewish value themed story. Try to be consistent with whatever level of observance you choose. Send young kids to a Jewish day school - pre-school and K-8, like a JCC and Brandeis, if you can - best investment in their future, and then you don't need separate, dreaded 'Sunday School', identity and values are learned in these early years, and you can spend less on other things to help save, if necessary, and find a Chabad rabbi to really study with for BM, if possible. Integrate being Jewish into daily family life and talk and walk Jewish values. These steps will integrate the Jewish experience into daily life. Invest your time and $ into these and it works. Advice from the experience of happy Jewish parents.

(2)
Anonymous,
May 18, 2014 3:06 PM

Well, that's a good reason to move to Israel.

We moved here when my oldest child, a boy, was 6. When he it came to his bar mitzvah he was able to "chant" the Torah portion, not only understanding every single word. Also, same with davening, every single word is understood by all my children.

TC,
May 20, 2014 6:09 AM

So true!

In Israel the same Hebrew language that the Torah is written in has come back to life. My daughter, at the beginning of 1st grade, before she could even read, could listen to the Torah reading and understand the narrative.

(1)
Miriam,
May 18, 2014 10:08 AM

"David Cohen's Bar Mitzvah Day"

The saddest song I've ever heard. By Moshe Yess in Megama.The song starts off "The Cadillacs were all lined up in the driveway..." Last line: "Looking back it wasn't worth the cost..."

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

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