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The Ins And More Ins Of The Friend Zone

You know what I’m referring to. A lot of people have written countless pages about what it is, how you got into it and how you can get out of it. I’m sure, somewhere, Ashton Kutcher and Kristen Bell have read for a film called “The Friend Zone.” However, if you’re still not sure what it is, let me explain in the best way I can.

The Friend Zone is very akin to The Twilight Zone. They’re both this weird realm between time and space, something controlled by forces outside our imagination. However, The Twilight Zone is filled with groundbreaking plots and stellar writing and direction and The Friend Zone is filled with long awkward pauses following blurted “I love you’s” and unfulfilled boners.

Got it now? I’m so glad.

I’m here to help you get out of it. Note that some of these tips are not full proof and may be the exact opposite of full proof, a scientific term I refer to as “maybe bad.” They all apply to different situations and different women types, so don’t go using a tip 1 on a type 2 in a place 3. What is a type 2 and a place 3? If you need elementary things like that explained to ya, you’re not really a dude. Go dress up in other people’s skin, weirdo.

Note: Some girls you can’t help but fall into the friend zone with. They’re just simply not interested in becoming more with you. This is a mind blowing concept to some guys, who’ve read three issues of GQ and think “Yeah, I think I’ve got this man thing down.”

Tip 1: Sudden Aggression: The friend zone is filled with long conversations about your beings and the definitions of love and all that stuff that last until 6 AM or until one of you dies. In the middle of one of these conversations, make sudden movements that indicate what you want. Examples of these include rapid crotch chops with your arms in an X formation, or doing that thing where you press your tongue against the inside of your cheek. She’ll get the hint.

Tip 2: Make Your Disdain Obvious: The best way to do this is through some dramatic action. When you’re sitting with her in the middle of an ice-cream-not-date, suddenly pull up your shirt sleeve and show her the tattoo on your forearm that reads “BEING IN THE FRIEND ZONE WITH YOU IS THE DEATH OF ME. SO MUCH SO THAT I STAINED IT INTO MY BODY.” If she isn’t immediately impressed with your dedication to passive aggressive self harm, then guess what, you’ve just wasted the past two years of your life.

Tip 3: Tell Her Friends In Ways That They Won’t Understand: This will get her circle of people talking about you more, in much more serious contexts, which is your goal, right? Write the girls name on your forehead, go up to her best friend, and say things like “Yeah, I don’t know what it means either. Maybe, and I’m just shooting in the dark here, LOVE?” She’ll be confused and probably talk about you in a confused light, which is above a bad light, but a little below the “He’s sorta cute I guess” light.

Tip 4: Create Situations Where You Have No Choice But To Hook Up: Invent Facebook events like “All Night Make Out And Sex Party: You Have To Do Both,” and then invite only her. If she declines the invitation, then invite all your other friends. Then, the day after the party, complain to her that it was a sausage fest.

Tip 5: Eliminate The Competition: I’m not saying that you should “kill” any other dude who hits on her that she seems to like. All I’m saying is that, maybe buying a shovel, some rope and a sack isn’t such a terrible plan. It’s your call.

Tip 6: Just Start Telling People That It’s Official: This will force her to play her hand. She’ll either go along with it or she’ll turn you down completely, an event that will be so cataclysmic for you that you’ll dress up like a bat and punch people in their erections.

Tip 7: Simply Tell Her How You Feel: Get her alone, and just spill, telling her that it’s okay if she doesn’t see you in the same light and that you’ll care for her regardless. Make sure that she’s comfortable and that you’ll always be there for her if she needs it and that her answer won’t change anything. And then reveal that you’ve slowly been filling the room with gas and hold up the lighter in your palm. “Tick tock (insert name here).”