What If Your Husband Left You For Another Man?

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I get many, many emails from women who reach out because of the intense pain they are feeling when their husband leaves them for another woman. Among other emotions, they tell me they are in shock, devastated, angry, scared, resentful, bitter, and beyond sad and upset. They are feeling very alone, their life shattered, and left to think about their husband in a new, blissful relationship, while they feel abandoned and trying to explain to the kids what the heck just happened. The anger burns in some of these women and they feel hurt, betrayed and hopeless.

So when I learned from a woman I met a couple days ago that her husband left her because he realized he was gay, it really made me stop and think. I wondered if she was feeling what some of these other women feel. Are the feelings of hurt, betrayal, hopelessness, fear, anger, bitterness, devastation, and sadness the same? Yes and no? Are they similar but different?

In talking briefly with her, she said that like any woman whose husband leaves (for whatever reason) it turned her life upside down. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do, she was scared, felt alone, abandoned, and hurt. She also said she felt like she maybe she wasn’t good enough, which was disheartening for me to hear (and which I will address).

I will start off my advice to women in this situation with a disclaimer because I think it is important: I can only speculate/write about how I would feel if it happened to me. In other words, I can’t give advice firsthand because I have never been in this situation. I also don’t want anyone to think my advice is right or wrong, it’s just how I think i would feel, put it this situation.

First of all, regardless of whether a man leaves his wife for another woman or another man or for any reason, it is hurtful, it is scary, and it can make someone angry and resentful, the mindset being that perhaps they “wasted” decades of their life with this person, and now they are alone possibly at 40 or 50 or 60 something.

I think a big difference in a man leaving for another woman versus leaving for another man is that if you think about it, how can you really be angry? I mean maybe at the beginning you would be, but if you really think about it, how can you remain angry with a man for admitting who he is? And, how can you really take it personally? We can’t change who we are in our core, so I have to believe that this woman’s husband was feeling tortured internally, and that he was most likely living a lie and suffering for many years (who even knows how long?) but felt trapped and obligated to stay with his family. I feel so so sorry for this woman, but I also feel incredibly sad for her ex. Can you imagine the guilt he feels?

One question I was considering is, Is it easier if your husband leaves you for another man? In other words, if you don’t hate him is that easier? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe it’s easier to get over someone you hate, who you can say did the lowest of the low by cheating and leaving you for another woman. If it’s a man, you might be understanding, and it might make you love him still, and feel even more hopeless.

He explained that one Christmas, he had to go home and see his family, and not only did they not know he was gay, but they didn’t know he had met the love of his life, Anselmo Feleppo, and that Feleppo was awaiting results of an HIV test, which turned out to be positive, AIDS ultimately taking his life. A close friend of Michael’s described Michael as “missing a couple layers of skin” because he wounded so easily.

Being a writer and caring so much about words, I am a huge George Michael fan, and think his songs were absolutely beautifully written, with words that only someone who felt these things so deeply is capable of writing. Careless Whisper, Father Figure, One More Try, Kissing a Fool, I Knew You Were Waiting; all of these hit songs came from Michael’s emotions and experiences of which he had this amazing gift to be able to put into melodies and lyrics.

I can’t even begin to imagine the torture and pain he was going through not being able to express who he really was to the world for fear of being judged or losing his career or feeling judged. It saddens me for Michael, for this woman’s husband, and for any couple who split up because one of the people realized they were gay.

When someone is left by their spouse it hurts, no matter what the circumstances are. It kills, actually. But I do believe that if a man leaves for another man or because he is gay, in a way that might make a person feel differently–perhaps a little less angry and hateful over time.

Yes, he made a commitment the day he said “I do.” Yes, he had a family he abandoned. Yes, he lived a lie for a long time. But should you say “Yes, he should have tried harder not to be gay?” No.

My advice to any woman whose husband leaves for another man is that I feel your pain–just as I feel the pain for anyone whose spouse leaves, but try to be understanding. Most importantly, DO NOT EVER take it personally. It doesn’t matter if you look Angelina Jolie’s twin. It was not you. Say that 20 times a day. “It was not me.” There was nothing you could have done. It’s not because you weren’t a good wife and or a good mother. It’s because he wasn’t who he himself thought he was.

Now, could someone argue that you could say the entire paragraph above if your husband left you for another woman? I think so in some cases. But in the case of someone realizing they are gay, these things are a certainty.

As I am getting into my fifties I am realizing how short and precious life really is, and not living your authentic life is truly a waste. So, if you are gay you are gay. It’s unfortunate that people and families are hurt by the divorce, but what is worse? Living a lie and feeling trapped and inauthentic? Sadly, and although I think it is hurtful to the wife and family, I think so.

Here is the good news for this woman. She now has a chance to share her life someday with a man who really wants her. Doesn’t she deserve that? Of course she does.

George Michael died at the age of 53 in his sleep of natural causes. I didn’t know him personally, but I played his songs over and over again when I was in my early twenties and I think his talent was very very special, with his lyrics truly exhibiting a kindness and gentleness.

My gut tells me he was a good guy. It seems as if he just wanted to be loved. He starved for it. He found it and then found the courage to admit it. I bet Michael didn’t regret anything when it came to his relationship, except for waiting so long to admit to the world who he truly was. Maybe that’s a comforting thought to a woman whose husband left for another man. Because I really believe that one of life’s greatest joys is being with someone you adore and love, and I think any good person deserves that. Does that include your ex-husband? It’s something to think about it.

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Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

6 Responses to “What If Your Husband Left You For Another Man?”

Carrie

My husband and I separated after being married 36 years. He is gay. No one ever knew or suspected. He had many years of depression and never told me the reason. I always thought I could make him happy. Never knew why I couldn’t. My anger and resentment only stems from him not telling me earlier on. I would have done things differently financially. I am left alone now and financially we were tied together. I would have gone back to school when I was younger instead of devoting myself to our business, kids and him. I never regret devoting myself to my kids…however would have made sure that I was financially secure, not worried and scared at 56 years old.

Jackie Pilossoph

Im so so so very sorry about your situation and I can understand your frustration and resentment. But if you think about it, we could all say those things. If I wasn’t married to my ex, I would have taken a news anchor position in Dallas that I was offered. 🙁 Who knows where I would have been today?? I am comforted by knowing that God has a plan and that all we can do is take things as they come and try to make the best decisions with our current situation–decisions that make us happy and that feel good. So, now, it’s time for you to figure out what you want now. Today and tomorrow and in the months and years ahead. Now you are free and if you are healthy, you can do so many wonderful things that you want to do. I know it’s scary, but you are not alone. Countless others have been where you are. I wish you all the best. xo

Henriette Oakland

Thank you for acknowleding those of us left by a man for a man. AND for the disclaimer that you have not personally been through it.
Being exactly 1 year since the love of my life and best friend for nearly 30 years left for young man, I can point out a couple of things.. .well I could point out a million things.
First, there’s the deception and loss of sense of reality. Not just in the turmoil but in the whole history together. What felt like true intimacy to me may not have to him. He cried at the wedding…were those really tears of joy? He acted amazed and in wonderment watching the delivery of our babies….how could he not be disgusted? The crazy, fun, passionate sex….was he imagining I was a man? What kind of woman am I that only a gay man would use as a beard?
Secondly, there’s the disregard. By him, his family, the best man at OUR wedding. They are so happy for him. But he has left me and our 2 children behind, seemingly in his own self pity that he was tormented for so long. On some level and more so at some point, he chose to live a lie. He chose a lie for me as well and I was completely unaware. He has essentially done to me what society has done to him.

Jackie Pilossoph

I’m so sorry. I’m sure this is so devastating and difficult. I will say, though, the questions you are asking could be asked by a woman whose husband left for another woman. And there are plenty of those. The best advice I can give you is to know in your heart that he loved you and that he probably still does, and that he loves his children, and that now it’s time to focus on your life moving forward. You deserve a happy life. Try not to look back as much and instead look forward to today and beyond. xoxo

Eef

This is really a crock blog. It’s worse. It’s wrong because it’s selfish. And just because someone is gay and a protected sect of today’s society, they are still adults. They should choose not to use or hurt people. It gives a woman a miscommunication of what men need and want, and if they marry again that marriage of comparison is doomed, because gay men give more emotionally, that woman love, and don’t crave sex. It really messes up expectations all around and is WRONG.

Straight wife

Me and my husband had been together for 13 years, married for 7, when he left me for a (much) younger man. Their relationship had been going on for a month at that time. Our kids were 3 and 2 years old, and I was 6 months pregnant with our third.
I honestly think it is so, so, so much worse than being left for another woman. I learned all at once about my husband’s betrayal and about the lie that I had been living for half of my life. Everything in our history suddenly seemed fake. My whole world was shattered into a million pieces. Even so, I decided to forgive him and try to move past it, but quickly realized there was no turning back, nothing I could do, there was no way I could compete, there was no possible way to fix it even if I was willing to forgive and put our pieces back together. He hurt me more than I ever thought possible with his infidelity, and he thought it was in a way justified by his orientation, his big secret and the torment he had been living most of his life. I think this is was you hint at in your article, and may I say kindly that NO, no no no no no. There is NO way to justify such a hurtful act. It’s just wrong, no matter what. He could have come out to me without betrayal. It would have still been shattering, but maybe it wouldn’t have broken my heart. He started our relationship, our marriage, holding a ticking bomb, something I was never aware of. That is so utterly unfair. Selfish. Wrong in so many ways. It was his own choice, no one pushed him to do it, because nobody knew. He decided to marry me because he wanted a “normal” life, a family, and, in his own words, found in me the person he wanted to do it with, the perfect person for him… had he been straight. You also mention in your article that we might feel even more hopeless. Yes, I believe we do. I’m not saying the betrayal hurts more or less if he leaves for a woman or another man. The sin is the same. But in our case, I really think there’s a lot more going on.