Experts have warned that the highly virulent, virtually drug resistant bacteria may have already infected up to 80% of the UK population in just 72 hours, and have warned that the worst is yet to come.

“It is of the utmost importance that the early signs of the disease are recognized and treated at the earliest opportunity to prevent long term complications and aid the chance of a full recovery” explained pathogen specialist Dr Sam Winstable.

“The illness is characterised by three distinct phases. Stage 1 begins with an obsession to decorate the home with Union Jack bunting and bake a menagerie of cakes and buns. A street party is then invariably held, at which point, the disease becomes highly infectious to others. If the condition is not treated with powerful antibiotics, it can progress to Stage 2. This involves victims rowing for miles down the Thames in the pouring rain, often dressed in red white and blue, singing the National Anthem. For women, the condition can still be treated at this stage and often goes no further, but for male patients it is usually too late and development to Stage 3 soon follows. It is this stage which is most concerning. At this point most men with the infection will develop an overpowering urge to hook up with an elderly woman, resulting in loss of life in the victim due to over exertion. Amazingly, all the infirm women who have come across a man at Stage 3 have survived the ordeal and were often pleasantly surprised by the experience. However, we would still urge all females over the age of sixty to remain at home until such measures are in place to contain the infection”.

The anti monarchist group “Republic” are yet to comment on allegations that the organisation are behind the outbreak, and have vehemently denied reports that they are optimistic a sufferer at stage 3 may approach the Queen.