I personally guarantee a Spurs win tonight

And if we don’t win, too freaking bad. We’re winning and that’s all there is to it.

From the Master Planned Hell of Plano, to the mini-warehouses of downtown Irving and the creepy ambiance of the downtown Assassination District, the sound of Spurs victory will resonate between the towers of big hair all over the Metrosexualplex.

And their women will hear it, too.

Whether we win or win big, the land of cheesy McMansions, Edie Brickell & the New Bohemians, and doctored JFK home movies can kiss me on my Zapruder film.

Here’s my thinking (such as it is)

Heading into the game, we know four pertinent things:

• In the first game between the teams this season, the Mavericks beat the Spurs like circus monkeys.

• Without Timmah and possibly Manu, the beatdown should be even worse.

However …

• Although ostensibly named “The Dallas Mavericks,” this team is really “The Choking Losers of Southern Oklahoma.” This team blew the Golden State series last season and the NBA Finals the year before that. They are the “new choke.”

• Anytime I attend a Spurs game in person, they are a lock to lose.

Well, guess what? I’m going to the game.

Clash of the absurd

If we have learned anything from the cautionary tales of climate change and from Parkay Margarine commercials of the 1960s, it’s that messing with Mother Nature never pans out.

Nature tells that the Mavs — with a big payroll of big stars — should win huge tonight.

But … the Mavs are the new choke. And I’m bad luck.

That makes me the “X factor.”

Normally, I show up and the Spurs blow easy games against inferior opponents. The Spurs were picked to win the last seven games I attended and they lost each one.

What does this mean? Let’s see what I can pull out of my Zapruder.

Crazy? Yeah. Crazy like a desperate blogger, that is.

When I show up tonight — moderately lubricated and armed with 20 minutes of German-language smack for Dork NoGameSki and enough Moe Howard jokes to make Three Stooge-look-alike Mark Cuban cry — how does my bad karma affect the realistic expectation of a Spurs loss?

I can’t make it any worse. We’re probably going to lose by 20. So, when I show up, do we lose by 50? At home? Please.

I’m the X-Factor, and the X-Factor says we stomp the collective Zapruders of Dallas.

We win, and we win big. My bad karma will upset the delicate balance of nature.

The “sure thing” Spurs loss could become a career night for Matt “The Missing Partridge Kid” Bonner.

The “stone cold lock” for the Mavs might be the night when Michael Finley scores so many three-pointers, he will be arrested for assaulting the sense and sensibility of every $30,000 millionaire in Dallas.

The bad news is that once you mess with nature, nature messes back. Expect something really horrible to happen to San Antonio tomorrow morning (besides my morning blog, of course).

Something terrible?

Yes. But it will be worth it, won’t it?

Elsewhere on the InterTubes

If things go badly, we’ve always got this

According to link sent to me by Kirk, the At LargeFlying E-Fist of Fury, we’re the drunkest city in Texas and one of the drunkest in the country.

This makes sense. I always wondered why SA didn’t have any killer barbecue joints. Now I know.

“Barbecue” is San Antonio jargon for “throwing some meat on the pit for 16 hours and drinking beer while you watch it smoke.” Everyone in town barbecues on the weekend and three days during work week. And that’s why we’re all drunk, all of the time.

Police: Kookla, Ollie and the Pets.com puppet wanted for stick-up

Three guys wearing white socks on their hands robbed an East Texas convenience store Tuesday. And now, the punchline:

“After getting what they wanted, the suspects fled from the store on foot,” Sgt. Shaun Pendleton, public information officer with the Longview Police Department, said.

Hackers defaced the Tom Green County Republican Party’s Web site for the second time in the last few months, according to the San Angelo Standard-Times. Here’s a partial quote, lifted out of context for the sake of a cheap joke:

Hackers have struck the Tom Green County Republican Party’s Web site for the second time in recent months, co-opting its usual content with gibberish …

3 Responses

It was a great win and a great game but I wouldn’t want to give Dirk that shot from the coroner again. I can’t believe we left him open to take that shot. Who missed that one. Did Manu miss rotating over to him or was Elson supposed to follow him all the way out there?