Relationships

Need advice

Bookmark Discussion

maddiesurveyor wrote:

This is my first time posting but I really need some advice. Sorry this is going to be really long.

I'm young, only 18. My babies dad(my boyfriend)is 23. I'm about 23 weeks right now. So earlier today, around 5 he told me he was going to tint the windows on his car. (That my grandma gave him). He sent me a picture of a tequila shot and I asked him why he's drinking. He said he's with his friend and the car wouldn't be done until around 10. Around 10:30 I texted and asked him if he was coming soon. He said yes and I asked how long. He said 2 hours. I got upset and he said "relax I'm on my way home" at about 10:45. It's now 1:38 am and he still is not home. Earlier he also mentioned he was going to a concert. It's the highlife noz event. Pretty much a bunch of people smoking weed drinking and bands. He asked if I want to go knowing I do not want to be around all of that while pregnant. This isn't the first time he does something like this. Almost every weekend he goes to Los angeles(where we used to live) and drinks and smokes with his friends. He also smokes everyday at home and drinks at least twice a week. My grandma does a lot for him, including signing her car over to him, giving him money when he needs it and just being there for him for anything he needs. We live with my mom and he pays the electric or gas bill here and there. Not that much. Maybe 200/300 month. He's making about 1800 a month. No money saved. I guess I'm just wondering if I really am being dumb for staying with him despite this. Sometimes I feel as if I'm not giving him his own time but it just doesn't add up and I don't know what to do. The worst part is I'm 6 months pregnant and only 18.. I didn't ever imagine this for myself and especially not doing it alone..

I feel old saying this but your both so young. I can't imagine being a child into the world when I was your age. Basically you're both going to have to grow up and really fast. You are about to experience the most life changing time in your lives. Kids cost a lot of money so I would suggest you/he start saving. Team work is the key to success. In the end no one here can tell you if you should stay with him or not but this I can tell you. You both about to have a baby and it deserves to have both parents fully committed to raising it with love and in harmony. Focus on that with all your will power. My hormones kicked in and at times I hated things my husband did but deep down I knew he would be (and is) a devoted father so no matter what I didn't make it about fighting over the kids.

Even though you're young please know that it is not ok to be in a relationship like this. You cannot change someone and we sometimes get what we tolerate. This is not behavior that you or your baby need to tolerate. Hopefully he will change once the baby is here, but I would start to mentally prepare for him not to be around and for you to cut your loses. Want more for yourself and for your baby. By staying in a relationship with someone who does not respect you you are setting an example for your child. You can absolutely do this on your own and in the end it may be less stressful then having a baby and having to track down your adult bf. Also, stop letting him take advantage of your grandma.

I had my daughter when I was 19 and her dad was 24. It was basically the same situation. I kept thinking he would grow up. I lived without him in my parents' guest house while I finished college. I thought as soon as I was done and we got married, he would stop going out as much. He did not. I paid all of all bills while he finished college. I thought once he was done with college, he would stop going out as much. He did not. He flat out told me that he had no interest in everyday family life. I divorced him after years of infidelity, verbal abuse, and him never growing up. He now is an engineer, but still goes out quite a bit. He is just not a man that should be married to someone like me. He has more of a cool uncle role to our daughter, who is now 16, and my super awesome husband is more like her actual everyday dad. I don't bash him to my daughter, but I did have to explain to her that he's not reliable, never will be and it's not her fault at all. He can't handle personal intimacy or anyone relying on him, and she should not look at him as a role model. We are all much happier now. I'm not saying people don't grow up, but I've now known him for nearly 20 years and other than now having an adult job, he is the same. Some people want to focus on their family and raising kids, and some want to focus on their social life.

Honestly I'm going through the same thing girl and I'm not much older then you. Only difference is YOUR family is supporting him where his family is supporting me so I can't walk away as easily. You on the other hand can tell him to leave if he's going to continue to take advantage of everyone. And it's true you cannot change someone all you can due is look out for yourself. He may grow out of these ways, he may not but if it's bugging you right now then don't put up with it.

I am not saying this to be mean... but you are so young and you deserve to go out and live life to the fullest. And the baby deserves parents that are ready for this adventure. Are you sure adoption isn't an option for you? It could be an open one where you still remain in contact with the parents. I have a patient that did that and it's the best decision she's ever made.

As for your boyfriend, it's not right that he lied to you...ever. However I don't think it's wrong that he wanted to go out and drink with his buddies. I also don't think drinking twice a week and smoking pot is wrong either. I do think however if he's taking advantage of your family and spending unwisely that needs to change. He's got to grow up and get his *** together. But you can't expect him to never have a life. I'm 37 (I tell you my age only to show that as you get older you'll still want to have fun). My husband and I have talked about how we both deserve to get out after this baby is born and will take turns doing that and work out a schedule. You will need time away with your girlfriends too. I don't go to clubs anymore, I'm too old for that. But I still want to get out and have fun. Your boyfriend can't expect to be partying all the time either. You have to work out a happy medium. If he's a good guy that treats you well I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet. However, He's young, and men find a way to get out of parenting responsibilities a lot, so I wouldn't be dead set on this relationship working out either. Talk with him about this going out and see if you can come to some sort of agreement. See if he can stick to it. Don't tolerate lying. Don't nag though. It never works and you'll be miserable. If he's going to party non stop and lie move on from him. Cause sitting home bitching him out with no actual consequences is miserable and it won't work. Good luck.

I just don't even know exactly say... First off she didn't ask opinions to keep the child or not so your suggestion for adoption is ridiculous! Yeah she is 18 but that don't mean ***!! Another thing is all men don't try to get out taking care of their children. My DH fully participates in everything. We are a team 50/50! And all the men I know are the same. Not saying all men are but that statement is ridiculous!

OP.... I would sit down and talk to him about your issues. Try to find a happy medium that works for the both of you. If he ignores your feelings then that is a bigger issue. You absolutely CAN do this without him if need be. You seem to have a good support system with your family and you are a very lucky girl!! Only you can decide if you see a future with him or not. Yes while most women/men want that family unit it doesn't always work out. You should never just stay together for the child. Children can sense the tension and unhappiness. P.s tell Grandma to cut him off financially! If he has money for alcohol and weed he had money to be a adult and pay bills and support a child. We all need to get out every once in a while but being a parent and taking care of your responsibilities come 1st!

I agree. People are unique in their lifestyle and we hope that as a committed couple building a family together, we can grow together through challenges. In his perspective, he feels happiest with the partying and drinking. For you, I see you need him there emotionally, physically, and financially. You want to plan for your baby and have a steady future but it looks like there's a clash in needs and wants. People don't change over night, it takes a great deal of empathy and leverage.

Start out with a civil talk about boundaries and understanding where both of you are coming from. You need to be able to rely on him and have each other spend money more consciously. You two are so lucky to have the support of family and you need to somehow get him to appreciate that by spending it more wisely. It might help to keep a financial log so you can both plan and see where money is coming and going and is it the best decision for your future? what do you both want in 1,3,9 months from now? not just financial goals but relationship goals. Keep calm and try to come from a place of love and wanting to build your love...not "change him" per say.

The material on this website is provided for educational purposes only and is not to be used for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, or in place of therapy or medical care. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy.