After the Death of My Son

Some do’s and don’ts for those of you who have good intentions but don’t know where to put them.

When my kids were very young, toddlers, one of their favorite books was a book called Do’s and Don’ts. It was about right and wrong, good and bad, do and don’t do. Now in my 60’s, with the unthinkable loss of my child, I was introduced to a world that tested not only myself and what I believed to be true, but how the world around my tragedy experienced me. And I could only think of this book, Do’s and Don’ts.

Like so many others, I was unsure of the proper etiquette in how to share my condolences to parents who lost a child. Would I say the wrong thing? Would I sound shallow in the wake of such a horrific loss? How can I possibly express myself when I’ve not walked in their shoes? We have all experienced loss, but a parent who loses a child is another category indeed.

We’ve all heard the saying; “It’s not natural for a child to go before a parent,” which seems to tidy up the scope of emotion putting it in a neat little box, tucking it far away unconsciously , because you can’t relate to it, and are afraid you could relate to it.

It’s a new world for us without our child, but nonetheless a world.

Our beloved son, Jake, was a kind, gentle soul, but the havoc of schizophrenia that played in his head was just too much for him and at age 36, he took his own life. I’ve had ongoing support from my family, back to the bare basic necessities of “did you eat?” And making me eat, and sleep. And my best friends, who stayed on course with me for months, and still do. And those were some rocky times that could shake any friendship off, but no one got scared and ran away. They know who they are.

We who have lost a child still need to be part of this world. It’s a new world for us without our child, but nonetheless a world. We still need to be a parent if we’re lucky enough to have other children, work, shop, and at some point (and this differs for everyone) resume some of our old enjoyments such as reading, the movies, etc.

I want to offer some small suggestions to those of you who have good intentions but don’t know where to put them.

When you see us in the supermarket, you may think, She is really doing well, glad to see that. And to a small degree we are, because we got out of bed, got showered, dressed and drove to our destination. But what you don’t see are the tears before we got to the market, or the tears in the market because the cereal aisle was our son’s favorite cereal, or that we couldn’t wait to get back inside our car where it’s safe, and we can drive and drive and sob and scream.

We have no broken legs or loss of hair to show we are in pain. And sometimes when we speak to a stranger, we are having another conversation in our head thinking, this person has no idea that I am only partly in this world and partly with my child in his or her world. And how could they? I know I didn’t, even though I consider myself a caring and compassionate person.

About nine days after my son’s funeral a friend called to give me advice. Get out there and go see a good movie. This might be worthwhile advice, and I use the word “might” gingerly, had it been my dog and not my son who died. (I know, I had to close my mouth too.)

It was about three months after that I ventured out to a restaurant that many in the community frequented. I was with my family and as soon as I walked in knew it was a mistake. I stayed just trying to get through it. A few minutes later acquaintances from many years back came in and sat next to us. (They were aware of what happened.)

We said our cheery hellos, and after the meal the woman came over to our table and had this Cheshire grin on her face, addressing my other two boys and commenting how they’ve grown!

Then silence. I think we were all stunned there was no mention of my son, their brother. But I know she didn’t know what to say.

So what DO you say? Several things. You can say, “I’m so sorry….”, or “I don’t know what to say,” or a squeeze of the hand, a look in the eye while you touch their arm, or, as several others have done, say nothing. They just came up and hugged me for a few minutes, saying nothing, because it was all in the touch, the squeeze, the look.

I gained a deeper appreciation of the Jewish customs involved with sitting shiva. Jewish tradition eschews the socializing and eating that tends to happen in some homes. Instead family and friends come into the person’s home and just sit with them. You are not to speak until they speak because it is all about them, and if they just want to sit quietly, that’s what’s needed. To me, this is a beautiful tradition because after all, there are really no words.

Very few people will understand your grief.
They simply cannot relate to the depth of it.
Years ago, I lost a set of twin girls.
I don't talk about them to others, but I do think of them. The toughest question for me is "How many children do you have?" Like you, I semi function. For me, nothing will ever be the same again. Apart of me died with them.

(31)
Carol Harris,
November 15, 2016 1:57 PM

No one can understand the pain of losing a child regardless of what age. Sometimes it is hard to find words of comfort but know your grief will fade to a dull ache in time. I hope you have beautiful memories of your son to get you through the hard times.

(30)
Saralee,
February 22, 2016 10:01 PM

Toby, your words were beautiful and written from a precious vulnerable place in your heart. As I read your writing, it was as though I was reading my friend, Kim's words. You are not alone in your grief or your feelings. If you need to talk or even a silent walk, please try to reach out - I know that too is hard. Saralee

(29)
Norm Palley,
February 17, 2016 5:01 AM

A beautiful essay -

Toby -

Hope you are doing well. Hard to realize that a year has passed. As you may know both Jerry and Reese died within the last year, at ages 87 and 93. It continues to be strange not being able to give them a call...

Love and best regards to the sisters,

Norm

Toby Weitzman,
February 18, 2016 1:31 PM

Death of a loved one

Hi Norm,Of course I knew about Reese and Jerry, we went to Reese's memorial in Philly, and met up with Michael Zaccaro after and had lunch. I can understand how difficult , losing both siblings in the course of a year. What can I say..it's difficult, every day.We miss you guys...love to Lissett,,

(28)
yvette jankelowitz,
February 2, 2016 12:52 PM

Toby. I so feel your pain. We too lost our son, Matan to leukemia almost 8 years ago at 21. We too have two othet wonderful sons, Noam now 34 and Yoni now 32. He was our baby and the most amazing young man. He was a soldier in the Israeli army when he took ill. I deeply sympathise with yoh and your family.

(27)
Chava,
January 19, 2016 12:23 AM

I really don't know what to say

It seems that the only possible words to ever say are, "I really don't know what what words are appropriate. I am afraid to say anything, lest it be the wrong words..." and just be quiet. Maybe it's okay to add, "I came because I care and I am here for you if there is anything you need me to do..." like you wrote... at a shiva, we are supposed to sit quietly and just be there for each other... May we all be healed...

(26)
Maxine,
January 18, 2016 3:46 PM

the death of my son

Thank you for your beautiful article. My son Marc, passed June 2015. He was 30.5 years old..mentally challenged with a half a heart and the light and joy of my life and his brother and sister and all who knew him. I am heartbroken..it still feels like yesterday..people avoid me or just speak past me.. there are a small handful of friends who have remained steadfast, and for them I am grateful..it doesn't matter how "prepared" you are, it is always a huge shock. Seven months down the road, and it still feels like yesterday..so it has been one slow step at a time..we are not Jewish but I follow the spiritual teachings, and found a great deal of comfort. My heart is broken for all parents who have lost a child. Yes, silence is also ok..just to sit with your friend and be still. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for the difficult step taken to share your story with others, it is appreciated.

Toby Weitzman,
January 19, 2016 11:29 PM

After the death of my son

Hi Maxine,I'm truly sorry for the loss of Marc. Sunday was one year Jake passed and it does feel like 1 month...still shocking. Our lives now are different, for me, sort of like before Jake, and after Jake. So we still move on, but with our kids in everything we do. It does make me feel better to do something for someone else, and I really feel like I'm doing it for Jake because it's what he would do. Marc sounds like such an amazing young man,,,I think that Marc wants you to be happy, and help others for him through you....Thank you so much for writing...take care of yourself.

(25)
Anonymous,
January 15, 2016 6:35 PM

Thank you for this fascianting story

Dear Toby,Thank you for sharing this incredible story. My younger brother took his own life last year and until I read your article I had no idea what my own parents must be feeling and have shared this article for them. They always tell me that they are fine but now I understand the truth and better appreciate the situation. Thank goodness they are surrounded by an amazing Jewish community and family and friends. Wishing you strength and thank you for sharing your story.

Anonymous,
January 19, 2016 11:35 PM

After the death of my son

Thank you for writing. I'm so glad I was able to shed some insight into the emotions of a parent....It really helps when the family gains a deeper understanding. I'm so sorry for your loss, of your brother. I have 2 other sons and know how difficult it is.Take care of yourself, Toby

(24)
Scott,
January 13, 2016 9:26 AM

The gift of silence

We lost a child to stillbirth. It was crushing. I can't imagine how it must be to lose a child that was in your life for 35 years.

We had a funeral and people came to the house afterward. Piles of food. They cleaned the house. They actually picked up shovels and buried my daughter. These were all amazing people.

But there was this since of grief in the air. Not mine. Everyone else's. Everyone that had lost a loved one in recent years or a child started finding me and telling me how my situation reminded me of theirs.

Did the same thing to my wife. She ran to the bedroom and cried with my mother, I hid out in the backyard with an acquaintance who showed up with a bottle of good wine or three, a closed mouth and an open ear. And I talked. She never said a word. I will always be greatful for that.

I didn't go back into the house until all the folks that were using my thing to co grieve left. On that day in that place my grief was all I could handle. They ran me out of my own house.

Think about it next time you make a Shiva visit.

(23)
Shirley Chess,
January 12, 2016 11:30 PM

Toby, my heart is still breaking for you and your family. Your article is beautiful and wise. I'm sending you a huge hug.

(22)
ET,
January 12, 2016 7:08 PM

Thank you

Thank you for sharing this, as I was not born into a Jewish family but I naturally aligned with the spiritual practices. I wish I had, had someone who had sat with me as the tradition of the family that I was born into felt shallow, and out of line with my spiritual needs. Fortunately, this made me search for someone to connect to and this led me to find Chabad.org, MLC and Aish. This is where I found and still find those who provide the spiritual food that I need. Thank you

Toby Weitzman,
January 13, 2016 1:35 AM

Death and etiquiette

Thank you for your response. I also had the good luck of finding Chabad in my area, and it has become a huge part of my life. They were there with me through my horrible loss, and continue to do so.I know exactly how you feel!Toby

(21)
Anonymous,
January 12, 2016 5:53 PM

I lost my best friend, and during her time of fighting cancer, I never could say the right thing.I had nursed my father, and then my mother for 15 years, and my friend was always there for me.Yet when she was ill, and I thought needed me, I wasn't there. Not that I didn't offer, to take her for treatments ( others were called ), bring food (what others made she could eat ).We had spent Jewish holidays together, in each others homes, with our surviving parents, children, had traveled together with and without husbands and children.Yet I was never around when she was suffering, not because I chose not to come, but because I felt unwelcome.I visit her and her husband at the cemetery, as she and her family are resting in the same place as my family.I have little solace, as she should still be around with me.And I am sad that I could not be of comfort to her.Sometimes our intentions are the best, and yet they don't come out right.It is not what we wanted.

Anonymous,
January 13, 2016 1:41 AM

On the Death of my son

I know when I was going through the beginning of the loss of my son, my emotions were all over the place. (and still are at times).I don't know the history of you and your friend, but you sound like a beautiful caring and compassionate person, and sometimes our efforts aern't rewarded as we would like. Stop blaming yourself because all your good intentions were there. And you know you did your best. Your friend, like myself, could have been in a place where we weren't responding in our usual way, because the situation was not a usual situation.I hope this offered some solace.

(20)
malka,
January 12, 2016 5:26 PM

Loss of son

The recent loss of my son has devastated me I fell as there is no recovery. Thank you for your article

malka

Anonymous,
January 13, 2016 1:53 AM

Loss of your son

I am terribly sorry for your loss, and I understand how you feel. It's an odd thing, it will be a year this week that I lost my son, and I don't look for a recovery because my world is not the world it used to be. I can hope for some moments of my old self that I can enjoy work, friends, etc,.,but I really don't have expectations of a recovery. How could we? I experience now an occasional belly laugh from a good friend, and I realized I was humming one evening when I was cooking..these tiny, small, normally unnoticeable acts tell me I am very, very slowly experiencing life again. So I suppose this is the new recovery...and will continue to grow. But we will take our son's with us as we grow.I wish you comfort and peace .

(19)
sarah,
January 12, 2016 3:40 PM

good intentions

I know people mean well but telling me they know exactly how I feel when I do not even know myself that day as every day is different does not help! We are all different and feel pain in so many ways that silence and a hug are really the best things so many times

(18)
Robin,
January 12, 2016 2:59 PM

Perspective

First, let me say how sorry I am at the loss of your son. But I wonder, maybe the right words of comfort for you are the wrong words of comfort for another person going through a similar situation. We often look at things we've experienced only through our own eyes and believe this is what everyone who is going through the "same thing" might feel or need. Perhaps it would be better if we just accepted everything people say or do in times like these as attempts to connect with and express condolences in their own way, and we should be more tolerant and understanding of those who might not say the "right" thing. I wish you and your family peace.

Toby Weitzman,
January 12, 2016 9:28 PM

On the Death of my Son

Hi Robin,Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I couldn't agree with you more. Everyone does have their own personal experience and grieves in their unique way. However, it's difficult for those in mourning to be tolerant of a friend who stays away, or a friend who might say something hurtful. They are not being judged. This article was for so many people who asked "what should I say, what should I do?", It is by no means meant to discount anyone's gesture.Thank you again for your thoughts.Warmly,Toby

(17)
Anonymous,
January 12, 2016 2:16 PM

loss of your son

I lost my son as an infant 5 1/2 mo. There is never a good time to lose a child. I kept my grief to myself. The worst was dealing with every day occurrences like life. I froze. I grieved. 30 years later I can put it into words. Yet in a sense I helped others as a result. I can say the loss of a child affects their sibling's also. It changes the family dynamics for ever. I do not want others to go through this kind of life experience alone. I prefer no one go through it at all. I am considerate of anniversary dates. I try to do something nice even unexpected. Truly there is something amiss with the mental health community and all involved like Psychiatrists, Psychologists appear to be more into making money with little to no regard for those they treat. It should be geared MORE to those who can be helped and not towards those who have no chance of cure. Schizophrenia is a treatable Disease and there should be more help to those who suffer from it. It should not be a death sentence for anyone who suffers eith it. My deepest condolences Toby Weitzman to you and your dear spouse and Jakes brothers, your sons. May Hashem be with you all always.

(16)
Anonymous,
January 12, 2016 8:26 AM

Time to rejoin the Human race.

Grief is more painful than anyone can understand until they experience it. In my grief I keep recalling the words of a bereaved mother, four years after her loss. "I think we have just rejoined the human race".I now know that she felt that because no one was able to see or understand her pain. Grief is lonely!

(15)
Denise Gershon,
January 12, 2016 5:24 AM

Brilliant and well writtenI lost my only son Nov 2014It really does not matter how, the end result is the same. Most of all we miss him......

(14)
Sonia Yageel,
January 12, 2016 2:09 AM

We have some things in common.

What a hard thing to go through. I have a daughter, 36, who also has that terrible illness. She is in the hospital now because the meds don't work, She was in such a low, & started talking about suicide to others. We cannot even imagine what they go through. I want my daughter to live in a residence at this time because it is very hard for me. Did your son live in a residence? It is very hard to see a child suffer so, and most people don't even understand it. Even the government gives so much money & help to the developmentally disabled, and so little for mental illness. I wish there were something we could do about it.You should be consoled among the mourners of Israel.

Toby Weitzman,
January 25, 2016 11:51 PM

Mental Illnes

Hi Sonia,Thank you for you response.I KNOW how hard it is...Jake suffered for 16 years, and no, they do not know enough about how the brain works to find the right meds. My son never lived in a residential facility, other than stays in hospitals for a week at a time.We need to continue to talk about it to political people who can advocate on our behalf, and raise more money for brain research. The US has no long term facilities that would have been helpful. They are state run and not able to give the care we need. I know how hard it is for you...sometimes I would just take a few days off for myself so I could re-energize to deal with him. He lived with me at times, in his own apartment at times, always moving. Just know that you are doing everything you can, and don't give up. Keep reading,,,searching the web...Please take care of yourself, I would be happy to stay in touch,Toby

Toby, it is a pleasure for me, personally, to read your wonderful words about how to deal with the most difficult emotional upheaval that any of us, as parents, could possibly face. It's hard to fathom that it has been a year since Jake's death. Although I only met Jake a few times, my heart aches for you & your immediate family. Your innate spiritual & emotional strength seems like it has been & will continue to enable you to cope. I wish everyone could read this article as it is a very uncomfortable subject for most people & you shed a lot of light on this personal tragedy. You stay strong girl, I know that you will. One day at a time, that's all you can do. Cherish Jake's life & his memory. Although we haven't seen one another much for the past 40 years, I have always felt a strong connection with you since childhood. I am here for you if you need me. Much love, Ellis

Thank you for putting into words the same feelings I had when my 37 year old son died by suicide.

Toby Weitzman,
January 12, 2016 12:20 AM

losing a loved one

Hi Evelyn,

I'm so sorry for your loss, I understand everything you are feeling and you are not alone. My son was 36, and in my mind will always stay the beautiful, young, loving man he was. We have been through the unthinkable, and here we are, still surviving, moving forward, and reaching out to eachother.I know that's what our son's would want.

Thank you for writing, and know we are not alone.Take care,Toby Weitzman

There's another aspect to condolences that I've recently experienced. My dad passed two days ago from cancer and he was my best friend besides my husband and boys; we were extremely close and I was his clone in every way. ?

Now I may just be pouting and feeling sorry for myself, but wondering if anyone has experienced this.

NO ONE called me! I got many loving condolence texts and posts on my Facebook page, but not one call. Not even from family members from the other side.

It seems in this day of technology and social media, it's much "safer" to just text, email, Facebook, etc. than picking up the phone and saying, "I'm sorry. I love you and I'm praying for you." ???

Anyway...thanks for letting me vent. I am blessed and HaShem is so good to me.

May He use you to bless many more lives in all you do.

Love and hugs,Tena

P.S. Would love your thoughts on this.

Anonymous,
January 12, 2016 12:58 AM

On the loss of a Son

Hi Tena,Thank you so much for your heartfelt words. Technology cannot take the place of a human voice, and it is uncomfortable for many people to express themselves. A handwritten note, or small donation, would be so much more appreciated. But...at least you know people ARE thinking of you....as I am...and keep venting! It feels good to express all these emotions, and we need to keep talking about our loss to help us move forward, not forgetting our loved ones, but to move them with us.It helps.Take care of yourself,Toby

(10)
Bobby5000,
January 11, 2016 3:11 PM

Things to do and say

There is a good book by Lori Hope entitled 20 things people with cancer want you to know.

Sadly one of the most common mistakes was doing or saying nothing, worried about saying the wrong thing, people would drift from the family needing help. I am not good at these things many would say.

These suggestions are good but don't stay away from your friends and family that need help for fear of not conveying your concern and love in the right way.

Anonymous,
January 12, 2016 1:04 AM

Loss of a loved one..

Hi Bobby,Thank you for your comment, and the book by Lori Hope.As you seem to already know people in pain NEED the words and thoughts of others to make them feel connected while they are going through difficult times.Keep sharing your thoughts, thank you for writing.Take care,Toby

(9)
Anonymous,
January 11, 2016 1:27 PM

Thank you for sharing

Thank you for sharing your story and advice. It takes incredible courage to share such a story and also to think of others and help them to understand how one can try and convey their love and support to a person after such a loss. Wishing you comfort and continued strength.

(8)
Elizabeth,
January 11, 2016 8:32 AM

Well written...

There is grief and then there is grief...yours is the ultimate hardest I think. There are many kinds of death that seem to be hardest to deal with...we lost my 20 yr old brother a few weeks before his wedding to a drunk driver...it was a long time before that awful lump left my throat and I could hardly talk about it for a long time. My darling mother grieved his loss the rest of her life too. Of course. HUGS and may you be comforted by HaShem who comforts when humans cannot!! We suffered very bad remarks made later and also suffered those who simply said nothing and did nothing, including my husband's sister. To this day, 40 years later she has not even said, "I am sorry you lost your brother." Maybe some folks think grief is catching like a disease so they stay as far away as they can? We will never forget those who mostly were just there and listened, will we?

(7)
Esther,
January 11, 2016 12:57 AM

Your article is very important; thank you for sharing your story

My heart aches for you, Toby, and for the others who have suffered with and lost a beloved child to mental illness or any other disease. I have an almost 30 year old son who developed schizophrenia 10 years ago. As well meaning as people may be, they just can't understand the pain and devastation of this horrible illness unless they have experienced it themselves. You are absolutely right to bare your soul and explain what you're going through and to try to educate people as to how they should respond to your tragic loss - what they should and shouldn't say and do - because they need to be informed. Otherwise, many will be afraid to say anything or say the wrong thing unintentionally. As you noted, it is worse when people don't even mention your loved one and act like he didn't exist, instead of acknowledging his existence with a caring look or a hug. You are right that words often aren't needed to get the message across and the comfort this provides is important to us.I applaud your courage and wisdom and wish you strength and a measure of comfort in the upcoming days and years.

(6)
Arlene,
January 11, 2016 12:14 AM

Strength

I see your strength everyday Toby. ... Jake is with you

(5)
Anonymous,
January 10, 2016 8:24 PM

Thank u for your article, I wish u all much comfort and strength.
A short while ago I lost my handicapped sister. Until I sat shiva I don't think I ever knew how to relate to mourners. Now I truly feel that I know what to say and what to avoid. I really understand things differently nowadays. Ppl came in and said such stupid and insensitive things, one wonders how sane they could be to think they r comforting when they'd much rather shut up. To me, the many ppl who sent msgs with acknowledgement of my sorrow were very comforting, while those who completely avoided, ignored or pretended that they never knew were very hurtful.

(4)
Leah,
January 10, 2016 7:36 PM

And when you lose two, still what do you say?

I certainly sympathize with this woman, but I have lost 2 sons. At age of 25 my middle son died of ALL(Leukemia) after 9 months in and out of hospitals here and in Israel where he had made Aliyah but all he was concerned with was not being able to report for duty. And, 34 years later, at age 62, my oldest son died of CSS (Churg Strauss Syndrome). There was nothing I could do to help either of these sons during their illnesses, but I knew that life still goes on for me, for my grandchildren and my surviving son and his family. I never stop thinking of either of them, but we all grieve differently but live in a world that keeps moving ahead. At age 86 I have also buried 3 World War II husbands and have made my life as full as possible. I have only one phrase that I repeat to myself and to others who ask "How am I going to live without my child or my spouse" my words," you have to either dig the hole deeper or move on for the love you lost and/or for the family that is still alive", I work (,volunteer) 25 hours a week giving back to my community, and on each Monday I work at the National Cemetery in my community where I am confronted with men and women who are faced with the same experiences I have faced. I have compassion and sympathy for all of them, but it is important that we give them the strength to carry on...for themselves and for their remaining families.

(3)
Marilyn,
January 10, 2016 7:30 PM

loss of a child

You are absolutely on target.THERE ARE NO WORDS when has lost a child.

(2)
Mimi Klein,
January 10, 2016 5:48 PM

Thank you,

Thank you for sharing. I also lost my son, he was 22.... Being silent is better....

Toby Weitzman,
January 11, 2016 2:29 AM

There are no words.

Hi Mimi,

Thank you for sharing, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I do believe it often takes more courage to be silent when you are mourning with a loved one. My thoughts are with you. Take care of yourself,Toby Weitzman

(1)
Anonymous,
January 10, 2016 10:23 AM

So true!Sometimes a silent hug is best...a member of my community recently lost her 26 year old mentally challenged son to suicide. so sad. My oldest son has schizophrenia and we're constantly challenged to encourage him to progress on the one hand, on the other, not to pressure so as to push him the wrong way. May Hashem guide us to do the right thing.

Thank you for sharing

Toby Weitzman,
January 11, 2016 1:18 AM

After the Death of my Son

Thank you so much for responding to my words. First, let me say Hashem is with you, and whatever you do will be the right thing. Schizophrenia presents in many forms and is a neurological disorder. Serious research has only been in the last 50 years, so there are no perfect combinations of meds and there is no right way or wrong way, push too hard, step back, etc. Keeping my son connected to his family seemed to be the most comforting for him. Not being judgemental, letting him know I didn't question his thoughts, and continuing to have a sense of humor (he was extremely witty) helped to keep him somewhat grounded. Continue to stay strong, take care of YOURSELF so you have energy to give to your son. I would be happy to talk anytime......Toby Weitzman