Why Am I Attracting So Many Narcissists?

How to avoid getting involved with people who mistreat you.

Many people feel as if they are “narcissist magnets.” If there is a person with NarcissisticPersonality Disorder within 100 feet, they believe that somehow that person will be attracted to them. They often ask me: “Why am I attracting more narcissists than anyone else around me? What can I do to stop this?” If you share this problem, I may have some answers for you.

It may not be that you attract more narcissists than other people, but you may be keeping more. Let me explain.

Let’s imagine that you are looking for a new mate. You go out on a date with someone that you find attractive and witty. After a few dates, you notice that your new romantic interest is exquisitely sensitive to slights, needs to be the center of admiring attention, ignores your feelings, and requires lots of reassurance about how great he or she is. You do not need to be able to diagnose a narcissist to be disturbed by this type of behavior. At this point, many people who have no knowledge of narcissism at all will politely disengage themselves from the relationship because the trouble of catering to their new friend’s needs outweighs any possible benefits. What do you do?

Here are some questions to think about:

Have you ever ended a relationship because the other person was too selfish?

Do you have clear boundaries that you enforce about what types of behaviors you will or will not tolerate from a romantic partner?

If a relationship began wonderfully, but quickly goes downhill, do you stay in it hoping that it will improve?

Do you put up with being devalued?

Do you make excuses for the other person’s bad behavior?—They don’t really mean it. They had a hard day.

If the person’s behavior turns abusive do you leave immediately?

If any of the above seem to relate to you, you probably need to revisit your standards of what you will tolerate from a romantic partner. This does not mean that you should never date people with narcissistic traits, but you do need to develop better strategies for sifting out those people whose bad behavior distresses you. Some people do this automatically. If they feel taken advantage of or uncomfortable, they exit the relationship without looking back. You may be giving the wrong people too many chances and staying with them too long. This increases the likelihood that you are keeping narcissistic people that others would weed out before they got seriously hurt.

An Example: Tina and Bob on a first date

Tina was on a first date with Bob and enjoying his company. He was attractive and seemed to be very interested in her. They found lots of things to talk about and she could feel a strong physical attraction developing between them.

But, then Bob starting asking Tina some questions that she found too intrusive for a first date: “Why had her last relationship broken up? How many previous sexual partners did she have?”

Tina tried to change the topic, but Bob kept going back to asking her even more intrusive things. What he found amusing and interesting topics of conversation, Tina found painful and embarrassing. Bob was tone-deaf to Tina’s hints, so she decided to be more direct: “Your questions are making me uncomfortable. They feel too personal for our level of relationship. Let’s just enjoy our date together and talk about something else.”

Instead of just changing the topic or apologizing, Bob got defensive and attacked Tina: “I was just trying to get to know you better. Why are you so sensitive?”

Tina took this as a warning sign that she and Bob would not be a happy couple. She wanted someone who cared about what she felt, and it was obvious to her that Bob was too wrapped up in his own agenda to suit her needs. She ended the date early. Later, when he contacted her again, she thanked him, but said that she did not think that they were well-suited and refused to see him.

Tina’s refusal seemed to heighten Bob’s interest. She received a flurry of flattering text messages over the next week asking her to give him another chance.

Giving Chase as a Narcissistic Response to Rejection

This is one of the typical narcissistic responses to rejection. The more Tina pulled away, the more Bob pursued her. For Bob, the ground had shifted. It was not that he liked Tina more than before, but he felt the need to convince her to see him again. He hated that Tina had made the decision to dump him before he had decided to dump her. It became a matter of pride to Bob to get Tina back.

Many people get seduced back into relationships with narcissistic people because the person pursues them in what feels like such a flattering way. They mistake the narcissist’s desire to win, for love of them as an individual. This is a basic misunderstanding of what is going on. This pursuit has nothing to do with your good qualities or their positive feelings about you. It is all about the narcissistic individual’s self-esteem. At this point, they could care less about you and your good qualities. All they care about is winning.

Let me share with you a few basic rules that we can extract from the example of Tina and Bob that may help you avoid ongoing unpleasant relationships with people who have narcissistic disorders:

Rule 1: If you have already rejected them for bad behavior, do not take them back. It is highly unlikely that they will behave any differently in the future.

Rule 2: If they did not respect your boundaries in the beginning of the relationship, they will not respect your boundaries later.

Another Example: Tara and Sam and the jewelry store

Tara is a very beautiful, very acquisitive, and very narcissistic woman. She and Sam had been dating for a few weeks. One day they were out together for a romantic evening and they happened to pass a jewelry store. Tara stopped and started telling Sam how beautiful everything in the window was. The store was open and Tara suggested that they go in just to look. Sam felt uncomfortable but wanted to please Tara so he agreed. Tara stopped in front of showcase filled with bracelets. “Oh Sam,” she said, “I hope you don’t mind if I try on a couple. They are so beautiful!” Sam did not know how to gracefully say “no,” so he instead he said, “Of course. Whatever you want.” Tara tried on quite a few, then narrowed it down to her two favorite ones. She put one of them on each wrist, and asked Sam in front of the salesperson, “Which do you like best?” Sam felt trapped. He had not intended to buy Tara an expensive present, but once he said that he liked one better than the other, he somehow felt obligated to offer to buy it for Tara. Tara walked out pleased with herself and her new bracelet and Sam felt angry and miserable.

Sam liked Tara, but he had not realized until then how often she had manipulated him into situations where he felt taken advantage of. He realized that Tara was a very selfish woman who did not really care about him or his feelings. Sam decided that this situation was unlikely to change and that he did not want to pursue the relationship with Tara any further. He never asked her out again.

Devaluing is another Common Narcissistic Response to Rejection

Tara sent him a few sweet texts and thanked him profusely for his generous gift. When he did not respond, she became angry and then sent him a long, nasty, rambling text message that ended with her calling him “a miserable, cheap, heartless loser.” Sam was relieved that he had not stayed in the relationship longer.

You do not have to be able to diagnose someone as a narcissist in order to decide to get out of the relationship. Sam was not a diagnostician, nor was he sophisticated about psychology. He was, however, able to recognize when he felt uncomfortable and manipulated. Sam cut Tara out of his life because he had an idea of how he wanted to be treated and trusted his own sense that Tara was mistreating him in some way that crossed his personal boundaries. Her final insulting email just confirmed for Sam that he had made the right decision.

Rule 3: Trust your Gut

If being with this person makes you feel uncomfortable or they regularly maneuver you into doing things that you do not want to do, he or she is probably not right for you. Trust your own instincts.

If one is a leader, entrusted with important responsibilities and is known for getting things done they will attract narcissists. The higher up the ladder of life you go the more narcissists one will encounter. Narcissists like to rub elbows with decisions makers and those worthy of everyone's respect. The kinder one is the more narcissists will buzz around.

That's okay, everyone brings something to the table. However, one needs to identify the narcissist opportunist as early as possible in any relationship, decide what behaviors will and will not be tolerated, then hold closed to those pre-determined boundaries.

I've had some really great positive relationships with narcissists. I've been able to leverage their social networks and get myself invited on some good projects. I've also had to decide to deescalate friendships with narcissists when their behaviors became a challenge. I haven't been left with negative feelings because I knew what these people were before engaging with them.

Very well said. I have Narcissistic friends, colkeagues as well. This article is mainly aimed at those people who are not having a good experience or even a tolerable one. It is meant to help them be “choosier.”

They're everywhere. I come from a family ran by a very self centered woman. I always say that after 18 years of living around someone else, I can spot issues very early on and have no more tolerance for it.

I have reached my life limit. I have rejected my own mother over it. If anyone who has not given birth to me tries anything of the sort, they get the door.

However, contrary to the article, I have rarely seen someone try a come back. I probably smell them too early on. They don't see it as a break up, they see it as a don't even bother getting started.

Maybe the problem is that the narcissist magnets read too many psychology blogs and now diagnose every man they date as narcissistic.

Twenty years ago, nobody used the word "narcissist." Today, the phrase is applied to anyone and everyone. Are there more narcissists than ever? No- just more women eager to call people they don't like by that name.

I doubt there are any more narcissists than there were years ago. I was born to two narcissists that met every definition of a narcissist to a tee. I was still a child when I knew something was very wrong with my parents. Problems at home were so bad I had to receive counseling in 7th grade. Back then there wasn't a word for it. In fact, society was just getting comfortable with the word "alcoholic" and was a long way from defining drug addict. Alcoholics at the time were furious when people started pointing fingers at them and they responded they were merely trying to relax with a drink or 10. When I got my first job my manager was a problematic narcissist who took credit for projects he didn't touch or know anything about, yet seemed he entitled to tout these successes as his own. The staff all agreed the man had big challenges but we could not assign a name for it.

Now we have a name for the problem, a definition and some hints on how to handle narcissists. What we don't have yet is a place or a program to help narcissists behave better, get help for their depression and learn to thrive in life as opposed to control and be the center of attention. We're so busy hating these people, avoiding them, creating boundaries. Society hasn't crafted a way to address this affliction.

I know a few narcissists well enough to know there was a serious amount of child abuse in their backgrounds that probably led to their odd behavior as adults.

There are effective therapies for NPD today. I wrote my book to teach therapists how to diagnose and treat Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations. I train therapists in the USA and internationally in this practical and fairly easy to use method. Unfortunately, treating NPD is an advanced training and not taught to all therapists. This means we still do not have enough therapists to help those who need therapy for Narcissistic issues.

I read a book called Character Disturbance: the Phenomenon of Our Age. The author, a long-term psychologist, says there are more people these days who lack a conscience, and are only interested in getting what they want. I hate to contradict the author of this article, but Simon believes that these people are not suffering inner pain; they're just bad people. He says that when they are treated as suffering, hurting people, it doesn't work. He says the only thing that might work is firmly calling them on it and establishing clear boundaries. I might agree with him. While it seems that anyone who behaves badly cannot be happy inside, I've seen something in certain narcissists that is just rotten. Another book I read recently, Effortless Mastery, mentions people "to whom violence is consonant." Consonant in that context is a musical term that means pleasing, restful, harmonious. What an interesting concept! People who are happy creating misery! The people in my family who exhibit these traits have something nasty in their delight when they triumph over others. After being hurt again recently, I've been asking myself what I'm doing wrong. This article makes me realize how many times I've been hurt by staying with people who are obviously unsafe. I read that animals "naturally go towards things that are good for them and away from things that aren't." I'm aiming for that. Thanks for this article!

hmmm... let me guess... several women have called you a narcissist? Might be a reason. No?
People weren't diagnosed as a lot of things in the past because these psychological terms and conditions were not well understood. It's not that suddenly people are being over diagnosed. They were neglected to be diagnosed at all 20 years ago. Except my father was 30 years ago which is why my mom left him. So...
Also, our competitive, business oriented society either tends to neglect children in favor of work or helicopter parent and tell children they're perfect and everybody gets a trophy no matter how hard they tried - just for participating! So, yeah... there are probably more narcissists today than there have been in the past. It's a consequence of neglectful parenting with unreasonable expectations that can't possibly be met or smothering the child so that he or she cannot have a healthy, resilient ego. It's a coping mechanism for severe insecurity.

Run..don't walk away from USERS, ,,PERIOD.. Married young , my first encounter was horrible as my controlling Narc husband made easy excuses out of things, showed very little if any emotion and could care less about what I felt at all. Forget about them being caring, it is NOT a part of their personality. Abuse is ABUSE...Mental, emotional roller coasters lie ahead if you are with a Narc. There are too many issues to even discuss but they come in neat packages, are full of themselves and could watch you writhe in pain and feel NOTHING. I endured this long marriage too long and finally convinced nothing would ever change, I left. I still stayed married thinking he would change but to no avail they NEVER do. Loved him beyond description, but it was not returned. Being from a strict religious background, thinking divorce was not an option kept me separated. I finally 6 years ago made a clear break, moved on after divorce out of that state and feel FREE!.. Yes, well educated, intelligent, hard working and attractive I have been described. These NUT JOBS need brain surgery because I am convinced the brain they have is warped with a sense of entitlement, false sense of accomplishment and notoriety. RUN and keep caring about YOU!!. Yes, write down what YOU need, what YOU want. You are a caring, loving jewel the right man will appreciate.

Just too many violent women that many of us men do unfortunately come in contact with since narcissists women are everywhere now and very dangerous as well. These are the type of women why so many men are going MGTOW today which is the very safe way too.

If you insist on trying to find a mate, you need to perform a full analysis on the psychological mind of the individual (not to mention testing for all infections, prior to exchanging body fluids for the release of Serotonin, which people weirdly interpret as "Love). You don't even have to tell the person that you are performing one. You can make mental observations by viewing body language, speech, and behavioral patterns.