For my untempered heart

Calm in the midst of storms

Calm is not a word that most people would use to describe me. When problems arise, or what I perceive as a problem, I get agitated. Degree of agitation is dependent upon the imposed degree of the problem. Reasons for my agitation would most likely be that I don’t like things messy. I like to have control (ding ding, Type A). I don’t like being side-tracked by an issue that now needs my attention. And mostly because I worry. A lot. I am an excitable person about everything, not just problems. So on the good side, I would squeal and do a happy dance for something as little as my husband actually going on a bike ride with me.

The good side I like, that bad side, not so much. It is something I have been working on for years and have actually made some progress on; however, for the last two weeks I have been quite zen like in the face of problems…

The beginning started with a doozy. The simmering volcano that was my marriage, finally erupted. I did it. I said the words, “I want a divorce.” I wasn’t scared. I felt only peace and the lightness from the burden that was no longer there. I didn’t have any fight or care left in me. I knew without a doubt that this was it for me. I should have been worried. Financially, I really should have been worried. But I wasn’t. I had faith. I knew it would all work out no matter what. I was calm.

Then came the pleading, begging, and crying. Two days later, I could only take so much and I cracked under the pressure. I made ultimatums. He made promises. I don’t know if it will last, but everything is different. It is better than I can ever remember it. It’s sad that it had to come to this. It’s sad that we both had to suffer for so long. The hardest part was actually going back on what I knew was right for me, getting a divorce. I felt that I had betrayed myself. I didn’t trust that he would change, but I allowed myself to give it time. I allowed myself to breath and be calm. I gave myself permission to try again one last time.

Doozy #2. It was late Monday evening and because I can never sit still for long, I got up to grab something. I went down a step, my foot twisted at the ankle, I heard an awful snap, crackle, pop, and I went down screaming. Right before my eyes flashed my career for how ever long it would take me to re-coupe. I had just finished my Pilates Barre certification and will be testing out soon for my Mat cert and now I can’t even walk. I was raring to go and finally get a job! I need and want to work. And now I am reduced to a couch potato. What can I do? Maybe the universe is telling me to slow down. Maybe the universe is telling me to sit down and write. Maybe the universe is telling me that I suck at Pilates…Nah! Whatever it is, this ex-mover and shaker is actually calm.

Doozy #3. There is a thief among us. A day later, my husband came home from work in hysterics. Apparently, some items had been stolen at a warehouse in which we operate a business. It could be our new employee. It could be the other company’s employees that share the space. No one trusts anyone. (What happened to the good ole days where you didn’t have to lock shit up?) My husband’s crazy eyes were caused by the thought of having to let go of our new employee whom he felt was irreplaceable. First of all, no one is irreplaceable. My husband also thought that I was going to have a fit because I tell him all the time that he is too trusting. He relayed the story to me like a teenager trying to tell his parents that he wrecked the car. I listened with the calmness of…an angel? Buddha? The sea? A stoned hippie? Well, I think I’ve made my point…I was freakin’ calm. I was so calm in fact, that after relaying my thoughts and solutions to the matter, my calmness had transferred unto my husband who now looked like he needed a nap.

The most important question here is, how has this happened? Actually, more importantly, how can I get me some more! Maybe it was the 21 Day Mantra I had signed up for. (Just between us, I only completed 6 days.) Maybe I had reached some internal breaking point and just decided to let go and let live. I think the change in my marriage has had a huge impact. I am less stressed. I don’t feel like I’m walking on egg shells. I know that I won’t go back to the drama, so I have a peace knowing that I am strong enough to walk away if necessary. It is really awesome being calm in a crisis. I just want to skip around the room whoopin’ and hollerin’!

I walked on egg shells for many years. Not until I walked away did I see it as it really was. That calmness I’ve had for a long time, not sure what would’ve brought yours out. For me, I think it’s been maturity and God that has me in my very mellow state, even with the energizer bunny person I am. Also, my parents were happy, relaxed people. Rubbed off maybe. Oh yeah, one more thing is being oldest of 8, I think I feel like I have to have control over stuff including myself. It was the main reason I did not like smoking pot and why I don’t get too drunk, too often. Sorry, rambling.

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Welcome,

My original focus here was to share my story of divorce, marriage and adultery in hopes to help others heal. In that process, I got a bit lost and detoured from my little sanctuary here for over a year. My heart and the literal joy it receives from bringing thoughts into something almost tangible, has brought me back. I just want to write about whatever lights my fire and whatever helps me grow with the deepest of intentions that someone found just what they were looking for. ❤