“Game of Thrones” Recap: “My Way.”

Well hello there, little direwolves! I hope everyone has spent the last few weeks revisiting Season 3 of Game of Thrones (and maybe even finding out which House you belong to) because the Season 4 put a bag over our heads while we were unsuspectingly having brunch with a college friend, threw us into the trunk of an unmarked car, drove us in circles (so we couldn’t count traffic lights), dropped us into the middle of the action and ran. It’s just the first episode and already things in Westeros are as tense as a Real Housewives reunion (or as tense as I imagine one to be, never having seen one myself), and I have a feeling that some serious Stark is gonna hit the fan real soon.

Let’s dig in!

Deep within Castle Gargamel, Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance) melts down Robb Stark’s shmancypants sword and burns a wolf pelt in the fireplace. (Note to self: Send the strongest Yankee Candle you can find as a Royal Wedding gift.) He then forges the sword into… two swords? A giant tuning fork? In any case, it is SIGNIFICANT.

Opening Titles. They now have a place called Dreadfort on them – is that new? Seriously, I can hardly remember what I did last weekend, much less which cities have popped up on the world’s scariest Lego diorama over the last three years.

Turns out Papa T melted the fine Valerian steel into two swords for Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) – which might be a bit of a practical joke, since Jamie only has one hand left. LULZ ADVANTAGE: TYWIN. But his right hand isn’t all that Jaime has had cut off: he’s also sporting a jaunty new ‘do, confirming my suspicion that there are Super Cuts in King’s Landing. Tywin says that he wants to send Jaime to Casterly Rock where he belongs, but Jaime isn’t feeling it. Tywin says it will go far in repairing his honor, and Jaime replies, “My bloody honor is beyond repair.” And don’t forget your hand. And those bangs!

Unrelated: Please tell me that Casterly Rock is the name of the Game of Thrones cast jam band.

Tyrion (Peter Dinklage), Bronn (Jerome Flynn) and iPod (Daniel Portman) wait on the road to King’s Landing for some sort of fancy visitors to arrive. They try to pick out their guest from a distance by playing the Westerosian version of License Plate Bingo (only it’s with banner sigils). iPod wins by spotting Hawaii.

Turns out their expected honored guest sent his warrior brother, Oberyn Martell. Hide the steak knives!

Turns out Oberyn (Pedro Pascal) is over at the whorehouse picking out… well, whores… with his ladyfriend. Because we are almost five whole minutes into the season and there have not been any boooooobies yet, you see? They disrobe one lass, but Oberyn’s lady – and it’s lady’s choice, mind you – isn’t impressed, favoring a slightly more limber model. When the whoremaster asks Oberyn which whore he would like, Oberyn responds by grabbing the guy’s junk. Well hellooooooo, nurse! The man insists that he’s not for sale, and Oberyn begs to differ. The man changes his status from “unavailable” to “expensive”. Oberyn doesn’t bat a lash. The man then asks “which way” Oberyn is looking to get down to business – a simple coin-toss works like a charm in situations like these, fellas – and Oberyn flatly responds: “My way.”