My brother has a book called, “Living with a Willy” by Nick Fisher. It’s a slice comedic genius. This shit writes itself. There are hypothetical situations and then the author writes an appropriate response to keep teens peace of mind. Everybody has been through at least one of the following problems. But I started to think, a wordsmith such as myself could surely write a response everyone would find both fitting and inappropriate.
I’ll give you examples.

I have a very bad problem. Whenever we have to shower after PE at school I always have to make excuses as I’m too embarrassed to shower with the other boys. This is because I have a very large penis. It is twice as big as some of friends’. Why do I have such a large penis and will it affect my sex life? I might be too big to fit in the girl. I’m only twelve, so what will I be like when I’m older?!?! - Worried Bad Boy

Oho: Sweet Jesus, kid. I know exactly what you mean. I was just like you when I was your age. This is not an issue. I used to parade it around and trust me kid, when you get a little older and word spreads, the easy women will be all over you like that rash you’ll eventually get if you don’t suit up. And if you’re with a loose woman, your big dong will not be a problem. Or if you strike it with a teacher, this will also work in your favor. If your first is a virgin, she might make a mess everywhere and probably cry a lot. This is normal. Those tears are only tears of joy so give it to her harder than before. She will thank you later.

I’m a 19 year old man and my penis is only 4.5cm big. I get really embarrassed when my friends boast about how big their penises are as mine is only small. When they ask me how big mine is, I lie. I have been asked to have sex with my girlfriend but I am too frightened to have sex in case she laughs and tells everyone about my pens. - Depressed

Oho: LOL. You have a serious problem. Glad I’m not you. My penis is only 4.5cm’s…around. If I had a girlfriend who was gaggin for it, I’d tell her straight up that I have plenty of ammo but I only have hand gun and if she still wants it, give it to her. You seem to have the polar opposite problem to what I had. I wanted to give it, but none of the ladies wanted any of it. Hardly an issue for you, really.

I’m 18 and I had a major set back recently. I met this girl on holiday. Everything went well until the last night when she asked me to have sex with her. When we stripped and she saw my penis, she laughed out loud and then went back to her room. I felt rejected because my penis isn’t up to standard. - James

Oho:I laughed really hard when I read this but at the same time, I felt for you. Oh boy, did I laugh. I will never know what this is like. But what is standard, really? Well, according to Wikipedia (the source of completely accurate material) “…the consensus is that the average human penis is approximately 12.9–15 cm (5.1–5.9 in).” So I guess that does mean you have a small penis. But don’t worry about her, bro. Hardly a major set back. She was a slutty bitch, anyway. I would almost guarantee she sees tourists like you and use you for the time you were here. And those penis pills, pumps or massages don’t work, either. Penn and Teller did an episode on it - all bullshit, apparently.

I’m 15 and I’ve never been out with a girl. All my friends have had several sexual relationships and they are beginning to think that I am gay as I appear not to be interested in girls. But the problem is that if I go with a girl, she find out about the bend in my penis. I’m very self-conscience about this and worried that I’ll never be capable of a sexual relationship. - Nathan

Oho:Clearly, you are gay.
By the way, that bend is called Peyronie’s disease after the French Doctor who discovered it 200 years ago. Dead serious. I am telling you right now if it is bent the right way, it works for you. Not against you. It touches a woman’s insides and gets to places a normal penis could not reach. It could be worse - you could have James’ tiny penis.

I am 20 and still a virgin. I think I masturbate too much. As soon as I wake up I masturbate and then after each meal. I also masturbate when I go to bed at night. Do you think I’m abnormal? - Steve

Oho:Yes, you’re a freak. It’s the only explanation. OR you could be a human male. Either or.

I’m a normal 15 year old boy who has a worrying problem. On my testicles and and underside of my penis I have got hundreds of little pimples. They are only tiny but quite numerous. They are normal skin colour don’t seem disgusting or obscene. They’re not scabby. Are they harmful or just natural?

Oho:Either your beatin’ your dick so hard, you’ve broken out in a heat rash or it is something else. In which case, I’d see a doctor.

It happens all the time. Bands go from great bands and either fizzle out into shit or start out shit and then as the band matures and they work hard, they make the one album (or in a few occasions - a few albums) then you never heard from them again.
In the words of an infamous Regurgitator song, “I like your old stuff better than your new stuff”.

1. Linkin Park
Their first album…erm…whatever it was called. It was great. It had that one hit everybody loved. And then it had that other song which was also played to death which was also a hit. Completely memorable.

Then they had the had their follow up. Ya know, I didn’t even know they had a follow up until just now when I searched allmusic. Shows how much impact it had. Must have taken the band in a different direction.
So they did a remix album and a live album to buy some time. I don’t mind waiting 4 years in between albums. Rocket from the Crypt used to do it all the time but comparing quality between the two bands is like chalk and cheese.

They had a new album in 2007. Some people were excited and then there were people who were like, “Linkin who?” There were those die hard fans who loved whatever shit they put out. The only theory I can form which supports why anyone would actually do this is maybe they lost their virginity to Linkin Park. Or they simply have poor taste in music. Those who snapped themselves out of this delusion that Linkin Park were a decent band, come to realize how shit the latest album was.

To their credit, they did have 2 hits.

2. Limp Bizkit
It started with, “Three Dollar Bill Y’All”. In fact, this starts before they became Limp Bizkit. They started out as a punk band under a different moniker and couldn’t make it. So they turned to nu-metal. How hard can it be, right? Some people liked, “Three Dollar Bill Y’All” but people with real taste saw it for what it is - shit.

Here’s the kicker…it gets worse.

They did, “New Old Songs” - remix album. When I’ve heard a remix that didn’t suck so much human excrement, I’ll let you know. I’ve spoken about William Hung like it’s the joke it is but if I was to review “Results May Vary”, I would strain worse than a night of eating cheese to come up with a positive thing to say about the album. They did a follow up - “The Unquestionable Truth, Pt. 1”. Sweet Jesus. This did not end well for Limp Bizkit. It’s too far gone for them to have a return to form. Ever.

3. Jimmy Eat World
Another band that started out as a punk band but not good enough to make it. Kept the same name and moved on to do indie rock. Which started with, “Static Prevails” which is their 2nd album after their S/T’ed in 1994. They then released one of the best emo albums of all time - “Clarity”. And then “Bleed American” which was also a very good album. Since then there has been fewer tracks I have liked with each album. Their latest album (”Chase This Light”) is not only generic but not a single track from the whole album worth keeping or even ripping to add to a compilation.

4. Smashing Pumpkins
“Gish”, “Siamese Dream” and “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness” - Wow. The pool of genius grunge ran dry after this. It is almost like he squeezed out ALL of his great ideas and exhausted himself.
“Adore” was potentially exciting. But fell short. “MACHINA/The Machines of God” was another opportunity to build my hopes only to take a giant dump on it and “Zeitgeist” is…well…just bad. Is Billy Corgan that short of money? Or does he believe he still has what it takes? If it is the latter, prove it to me.

5. Spiderbait
They were Australian indie legends. Now they get by on covers. Their last album was released and ignored, mostly. They started out doing the hard yards to gain a dedicated fan base. They released the grossly underrated, “Ivy and the Big Apples” in 1996 followed by, “Grand Slam” which is also awesome. Everything since has been meh, really.

6. Weezer
Ok, these guys didn’t really make this list. But boy oh boy, if they didn’t make the Red Album things would not look very good for them. Return to form is exactly what they needed.

7. U2
These guys used to be edgy. They wrote great albums in the 80s/90s. Things took a turn for the worse when something was going on putting a complete halt on anything great. “Pop” reared its ugly head in 1997 was shit (even though it had 2 good songs). “All that you can barely Leave Behind” had a few singles but contained only 2 tracks in my ears worth listening to - “Beautiful Day” and “Ground Beneath Her Feet” (which was taken from the Million Dollar OST and landed on the Australia-only release).
Followed 5 years later was, “How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb”. Total wank fest. It’s 11 years. We’re not asking for “War” or “Joshua Tree” but give me something I can sit here and not waste precious internet web space taking the piss.

8. Offspring
I grew up with this band. They started out and did the good S/T album, then the underrated, “Ignition” followed by, “Smash” and not to forget the great, “Ixnay in the Hombre”. “Americana” was ok, “Conspiracy of One” was barely average, “Splinter” had 2 good songs and “Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace” sucked hard. We need another, “Smash”.

9. Puddle Of Mudd
LOL Ok, I am lying about these guys. They have ALWAYS sucked. Just like Staind.

10. Bloodhound Gang
I do like these guys. I am not a huge fan to begin with but they do have a number of tracks I do like.
“Hefty Fine” is their latest installment. Took 5 years to get here and when it did it had 12 tracks. Of which 2 are good. And the riffs have been stolen from either themselves or have been done a million times. I am not sure which.

There are tonnes of bands out there which deserve to be heard by everyone. I have this book, “1001 Albums You Must Listen To Before You Die”. While I think it is a little harsh to make giant assumptions, the book has absolutely relevant entries:

* Just about anything Dylan touched (which in most cases) turned to Gold
* Led Zepplin - Drummer Dead
* Rolling Stones - Lead Guitarist Dead
* Elvis - Died on the Toilet
* Neil Young (who will still be going on strong when he’s 100 - and managing to rock out better than every one else even with a walking frame and colostomy bag)
The list goes on.

I use it as my bible in the sense that it has more accuracy than the real bible. But even my book has flaws in it. And some albums that not only do I completely discount as shit but take the piss on a regular basis. These include (but are not limited to):

* Linkin Park (Two hit wonders)
* Britney Spears (Supposedly hotter than the sun but fucked if I can see her appeal)
* Limp Bizkit (must have been short of albums to give a good review)
* Ms Dynamite
* Jay-Z
* Eminem
* Kanye West
* Mylo

Just to name a few. I’m aware this is all very much open to opinion and more people will tell than Britney’s album is worth listening to but just because something is popular does not permeate into good taste. I bring this up every time but Crazy Frog was popular. You look at what is popular today. Just dreadful.
The whole thought of this music industry used to be driven on what was popular but over the years, the credibility has died off along with the talent and now it is a never ending race to find the next person who can make the #1 hit, just to make money. People don’t know what they want.

Are these albums worth listening to before you die? Fuck yeah. And if their importance is not as commercially accepted or critical, the education of lesser known bands have formed and made great music in their own right to influence bands who had made a much bigger splash commercially is just as crucial to know and understand.

While it could be the title of a new genre in porno called Santa porn, Christmas is a great time. I am not sure whether it was the crack pipe I smoked this morning but with this time of year, there is something different in air. Depending on where you are, everyone is either happier or more rushed and stressed. In the work place (excluding retail), every one is trying to do as little as possible because Christmas…well, it’s Christmas and who can really be arsed?

Shopping for Christmas is painful. If you ever have the displeasure of going to a shopping centre, watch the population turn into mindless lemmings bent on buying pointless and worthless shit. Some poor bastard is going to be on the receiving end of all this shit. “Oh gee…thanks. A calculator. Exactly what I wanted.” Carparking is a nightmare and then once you get in there are long lines. For anything. The only way you can avoid the lines is if you’re packing heat and letting off a couple of rounds into the ceiling which usually results in slightly less than favorable police-involved circumstances

But, not everything is great about Christmas. Of course you have toy companies and video game companies cashing on such an event. Additionally, you have bands who also try and capitalize on the whole holiday festive season. I have hand picked a couple of Christmas albums which are classics which should have been dismissed upon conception (this means well before production stage).

1.
William Hung’s album is quintessential for any Christmas album collection. This is not my opinion. This is a fact. Anything anyone else tells you are lies.
2.
NSync. Really? This is as “great” as William Hung’s efforts.
3.
Do I really need to say anything? Look at this clown. The name of the album should be called, “Giant Mullet For Christmas.” Or “Weird Al does Christmas.” This could be the best Christmas album in the world but I couldn’t stop laughing at the cover to really pay any attention to the actual content on the CD.
4.
Don’t let covers deceive you. He might look classy as fuck but Thomas Hampson’s Christmas album is seriously fuckin tragic. Ya know when you travel in an elevator and you hear muzak? This is far worse than that. I would prefer to hear that God-awful muzak over this album.
5.
Don McLean wrote the masterful, “American Pie” and, “Vincent”. The bastard won’t share with the world what, “American Pie” means exactly. His answer when he was asked that very question was, “What American Pie mean to me? Not having to work another day in my life.” Anyway, where I am going with this, is this wank put together a Christmas album. For the mellow musings of Don McLean, this would have been a sure thing. This album should have been a 5 star affair. Long story short, it wasn’t. He missed the spot. If this album was sex, he was screwing a hole in the bed mistaking it for a vagina. It’s not quite the same, Mr. McLean. Sweet Jesus H. Christ. Poor decision.
6.
The only reason this album makes it in the list is his last name contains the word, “Cock” in it. And for a juvenile like myself, that’s enough for me. Sadly, this is the best of all the Christmas albums I’ve mentioned here. Allmusic gave this 3 stars but I think even that score is a stretch.
7.
I have not yet heard this but my imagination can take me the rest of the distance.
All I can say is I hope this is even partially better than the Star Wars Christmas Holiday Movie Special.
8.
Any bi-product of the Brady family will always be at best half-arsed. This does not even clear that.
9.
The only comment that should have any relativity with Kenny G is that his music appeals to the masses but is ultimately shit. And this Christmas album is another contemporary Jazz pile of hot steamy goodness delivered to you in a brown paper bag in fire on your doorstep. Put it out with your foot. I dare you to.

Don’t me wrong. I love a good Christmas album. The only album which is really good (as far as Christmas albums are concerned) is by a St. Louis ska band called Mu330 called, “Winter Wonderland”.
Once I find something better, I’ll let you know.

I want to know if you could cover a song, what would it be?
And why? How would you do it?

I wanna hear your ideas.

I couldn’t give a Rabbit-like shit about Metallica, but they did a cover of a really great song - “Astronomy” by Blue Oyster Cult. The cover is alright but the song was begging to be covered. Metallica also covered the Misfits (”Last Caress”) and Killing Joke (”The Wait” - one of their best songs to date) to name a few.
AFI (another band I once liked quite a bit but has gone to shit after their good but inconsistent album, “Art of Dying” in 2000) did a cover of the Police’s, “Man a Suitcase” - another song which is absolutely ripe for covering. I didn’t particularly like the cover but songs like that.
The Byrds did, “Mr Tambourine Man” by Dylan. Another cover begging to be covered.
Hendrix did, “All Along the Watchtower” - another Dylan track begging to be covered.

The only thing about naming songs is you can’t just blurt out songs because you find that the song is already great in its own right. You wouldn’t cover, “Stairway to Heaven” because 1. It’s been done a million times by bands who really should not have attempted it in the first place. 2. It’s perfect in its original state.

Eric Clapton had a knack for it. His biggest singles were covers (except, “Layla”), “Cocaine” (JJ Cale) and “I Shot the Sheriff” (Bob Marley) to name a few.