How to Mate More Intelligently

When it comes to the psychology of long-term mating (see Kaufman & Geher, 2013), there are important differences and similarities that characterize the wants and desires of males and females. Based on extensive past research on the nature of human mating, it turns out that the sexes are more similar than portrayals of the recent research in this area often suggests. So in thinking about how to woo your partner this year, you may first want to think about what people across the globe want in long-term mates (see Buss et al., 1990). To this point, that men and women so often want the same things in mates, a sub-heading in our recent book on Mating Intelligence (Geher & Kaufman, 2013) is titled “Men are from Springfield, Women are from Springfield.” Think about it. At the end of the day, the things that men and women want in relationships overlap across the sexes enormously.

According to the findings of large-scale cross-cultural data, which asked adult participants from around the world what they value in potential mates (Buss et al., 1990), people everywhere (men and women) seem to want love—and someone who loves them back and loves them genuinely, putting “your” interests above “his or hers”—expressions of true love are expressions of altruism—signaling the basic idea of “I’m doing something that is primarily for YOU at some kind of COST to myself.” Love is often expressed as altruism across the sexes across the globe—and it is appreciated and valued by both males and females—perhaps more than any other features that you could bring to the mating table.

So express love—or, perhaps from an evolutionary psychology perspective, more simply, express altruism. Give to your partner—and do it in a way that shows some self-sacrifice.

And (getting back to our Springfield allusion ...), don’t do what Homer Simpson did for Marge’s birthday! In a renowned episode of the Simpsons, Homer was seemingly thoughtful in that he had gotten his loving wife Marge a wrapped present. As she picked it up, she found it to be heavier than expected. She opened it, to find that it was a bowling ball—with Homer’s name on it!

That wasn’t very thoughtful, Homer!

That wasn’t very self-sacrificing, Homer!

That didn’t exactly put Marge’s interests ahead of your own, Homer!

That wasn’t exactly a prototypical expression of love, Homer!

When you’re trying to show your mate your love and commitment to the relationship, don’t do what Homer did! That just wasn’t very altruistic or loving, now, was it?

Evolutionary Psychology and the Human Universals of Mating

When academics think of human evolutionary psychology, they often think immediately of the well-documented literature on the nature of human behavioral sex differences (see Buss, 2003) and think of a field that largely and, perhaps, primarily, provides an evolution-based explanation of why men and women behave differently. Granted, research to this point is exhaustive and there is something to it! But human evolutionary psychology is largely about human universals—universals that often cut across gender (see Geher, 2014)—and the nature of human mating intelligence is also, in many ways, sex-homogeneous as opposed to sex-differentiated.

A Little Empathy Goes a Long Way

On this point, consider empathy. Who does not want an empathic romantic partner (or even friend or parent)? The appeal for someone who is sympathetic and kind (high in agreeableness) is one of the most desired qualities in potential mates (Nettle & Clegg, 2008). Empathy is seen as a positive and desired personality characteristic for cultivating harmonious relationships in several social fields (Caprara, Barbaranelli, & Zimbardo, 1996; Suls, Martin, & David, 1998). It is an essential factor that affects interpersonal processes. Empathy is described as the ability to enter one’s world to correctly perceive his/her feelings and their meanings. Research shows that people desire highly agreeable people (as a personality trait which contains empathy) in a potential mate (Buss et al., 1990; Goodwin, 1990) and in long-term relationships more generally (Sprecher & Regan, 2002). Demonstrating deep and genuine empathy, then, is attractive and should be appreciated by your partner.

Empathy is not only seen as an essential factor for mate preference, it also has a tremendous effect on long term-relationships. Firstly, relationship-maintaining responses are predicted by empathy (Pinkus, Lockwood, Marshall & Min Yoon, 2012). Empathic individuals tend to invest their time and energy into their partners and relationships for the long term (Nettle & Clegg, 2008). Thus, empathy has the power of making a relationship more compatible. It contributes to adult relationships with some positive outcomes such as higher ratings of marital adjustment, better communication, high relationship satisfaction, less conflict, and less depression (Cramer & Jowet, 2010). Empathy has been noted by many researchers as a key aspect of couple interaction and a predictor of marital satisfaction and functioning (e.g., Weiss & Heyman, 1990). High agreeableness (a significant trait that overlaps with empathy) corresponds to low levels of infidelity, relatively few sexual partners, and high levels of commitment to one’s mate (Schmitt, 2004; Schmitt & Buss, 2001).

A key element of human mating intelligence, then, is true and even conspicuous empathy—including such features as sympathetic emotions in response to others, genuine listening to what others have to say, anticipating the thoughts of another (e.g., cross-sex mind-reading), and knowing the stages that relationships can go through (Geher & Kaufman, 2013). This Valentine’s Day, if you want to show a little mating intelligence, start by showing a little empathy toward your partner.

Improving Mating Intelligence

Want some good relationship news this Valentine’s Day? Then think of mating intelligence as a set of cognitive attributes that can be improved! According to a recent meta-analysis (i.e., a large-scale study that examines the findings of several other studies) on the topic of life regrets, it turns out that education, career, and romance are the three most-cited areas in life where regrets arise in the minds of adults (Roese & Summerville, 2005). You don’t need to look back years from now and regret your romantic choices of today! According to many findings documented in our recent book (Geher & Kaufman, 2013), we can take several steps to enhance our mating intelligence. Individuals use different strategies consciously or unconsciously, to improve their mating intelligence. According to Geher, Camargo, and O’Rourke (2008), learning about the nature of mating issues via modern media (such as music or magazines or movies) may help people learn about the nature of relationships, and what partners may want out of relationships—taking such an empathic approach to the many stories and images we see in the media may actually help people develop some important elements of mating intelligence.

As with other forms of intelligence, such as social intelligence, and emotional intelligence, few individuals seem to reach to their maximum limit (Geher et. al., 2008). In other words, if you don’t feel like a mating genius, don’t worry, it’s not just you who feels this way!

While mating is everywhere, we can understand ourselves and others better in our social worlds by boosting Mating Intelligence (Geher & Kaufman, 2013). Taking an open and empathic approach to understanding one’s partner—and to understanding the world more generally, may be a key to cultivating one’s mating intelligence.

Conclusion

This Valentine's Day, don’t be Homer Simpson! Rather, display some of the core elements of human mating intelligence. Demonstrate love and altruism, taking your time, money, or energy, and “spending it” on observable displays of affection to your partner. Be empathic—genuinely listen to what you partner has to say. By doing so, you can make your partner feel loved, validated, and appreciated. Along the way, you’re likely help both you and your partner remember why you started this long-term bond in the first place!

Regarding the above:
I did not list good-looking as the first quality.
I did not even list looks, I just assumed that equal or close to my level would contact. The men that did contact me were interesting and attractive. Only one proved by the wording in his responses, that he actually read my profile which was rather short and to the point.

I did go on one date and we enjoyed ourselves, however after six hours of mutual interest, lots of laughs, and a clear attraction from both sides -- to his disappointment -- I was not into and never had one night stands. I only dated one time through that avenue. It just seemed like a hook-up culture that I just cannot adapt to..

Some people want more than looks because we know that looks change over time and we know that the core of the person is what will last through thick and thin concerning the realities of life. I tried the online thing because men just stare at me and that is a whole other thing to work through...they assume that you must already be taken. catch 22

A complete dufus clod like Homer Simpson is a smashing evolutionary success. Relatively speaking. Due to Marge's astute mate picking abilities and his own extraordinary "mating intelligence", he has three kids (so far) -- almost double the mean total lifetime fertility rate of ~1.7 for the US.

Thank you for the validation. I'm not someone who wants gifts or shows of affection beyond the normal occasions with a few meaningful surprises here and there (which I love to do for my mate, too), and I value compassion and empathy in others and try to not just feel it, but show it to those I love. In my last relationship, however, the very few things that could be called gifts were 'joint' things for both of us; he seemed to find it absolutely distasteful to have to just give without benefiting, too. The act of giving, and seeing me happy didn't do it for him, he admitted. Also, much as I tried everything I could learn to develop an emotionally connected relationship, I felt no sense that he'd be there for me during tough times, and indeed, I had the chance to have that proven to me. I was told that it was wrong for me to even want those things. I shouldn't need him to show me support or empathy, or to try to 'make' me happy. That wasn't the point -- in fact, I was happier before we got involved, so obviously I know how to be happy on my own. I've just always thought of a romantic partnership as including generosity of all types and empathy and compassion. I'm glad to know that I'm not unhealthy for thinking that way. Really, a relationship without them is quite miserable -- well for one partner, anyway!