Funnyness 6
=-=======-=
Compiled By [J]o[N]ty
=-=================-=
Some Jokes By [J]o[N]ty
=-===================-=
Blonde Jokes
=-========-=
Q. How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one,
but she puts the light bulb in and waits for a week for the earth to rotate
seven times.
Q. How do blonde's brain cells die? A. Alone.
Q. What do you call a blonde with half a brain cell? A. Gifted.
Q. How do you change a blonde's mind? A. Blow in their ear, or get them
another drink.
Q. Why did the blonde climb over the clear-glass wall? A. To see what
was on the other side!
Q. How did the blonde break her leg when raking up leaves? A. She fell
out of the tree!
Q. How do you drown a blonde? A. You put a mirror at the bottom of a
swimming pool.
Q. A blonde and a brunette jump of the Empire State Building. Who hits
the ground first? A. The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for
directions.
Q. Why did the blonde become a Muslim? A. She figured "What the hell!
I'm on my knees most of the time anyway!"
Q. Did you hear about the blonde who had bruises all around her navel? A.
Her boyfriend was blonde to.
Q. Why cant blondes count up to 10? A. They think it's 1 unit per brain
cell.
Q. What do you call a blonde with pigtails? A. A blow job with handle
bars
Q. What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive ?
A. Her ankles.
Q. What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A. Humpme Dumpme.
Q. Why coudn't the Virgin Mary had been blonde? A. Because then she
would have been just 'Mary'
Q. What do blondes and computers have in common? A. You don't know how
much you appreciate them until they go down on you.
Q. Why do blodes have 2 more brain cells than cows? A. So when ya pull
there tits they don't shit on ya head
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a puppy? A. After six
months a puppy stops whining.
There are two blondes waking along and they see some tracks. One says to
the other "They're moose tracks." The other blonde replies "No there not!
They're deer tracks." "No! Moose tracks!" "No! Deer tracks" They stand
there arguing all night until the train runs them both over!
One day a blonde goes to the doctors because when ever she touches her
elbow, head, arm, leg and nose it hurts. The doctor asks her "Are you a
natural blonde?" She said "Yes" and the doctor replies "Then your finger is
broken".
Other Jokes
=-=======-=
A man walks into a bar. He sees a dog in the corner, but the dog`s licking
it`s balls! He turns to the barman and says "I wish I could do that!" The
barman replies "Give him a biscuit and he might let ya."
A man walks into the doctors one day. He's got a bananna in his right ear,
an apple up his nostril and a carrot in his left ear. He says "Doctor!
Doctor! I dont feel very well!" The doctor replies "I know whats up with
you. Your not eating properly!"
Q. What do you call a man that let's everyone else walk all over him? A.
Matt.
Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A. A stick.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms, no legs in a swimming pool? A.
Bob.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms, no legs that has been attacked by
a lion? A. Claude
Q. What do you call an Italian with rubber shoes? A. Rubertoe.
Q. Why did the pervert get sacked from the sperm bank? A. he got caught
drinking on the job
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who has been attacked
by lion? A. Claude
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. It's cute but can you
pick up peanuts with it?
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? A. If the girl has
to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS A. Nothing.
Q. What's is blonde, has 6 legs and roams Michael Jackson's dreams at
night? A. Hanson.
Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead? A. The sex is the same but the
dishes pile up.
Q. What's 24 feet wide and has 4 teeth? A. An indian roadblock.
Q. What's a man's idea of a perfect date? A. A. A woman who answers the
door stark naked holding a six pack.
Q. What's blue and fucks the homeless? A. Hypothermia.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far
that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch
yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never
have to go upstairs.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a
child look like a deer.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could
shoot beer out of you nose.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw
one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid
war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
A gay couple and a lesbain couple are flying from LA to Chicago, who gets
there first? The lesbians get there lickety-split, while the gays are
still packing their shit!
Bill returned home from a day of golf looking terrible. His wife
exclaimed, "what happened to you?" Bill Replied, "It was terrible. Charlie
and I were on the fifth hole, a beautiful day, all of a sudden, Charlie
dropped dead from a heart attack!" His wife said, "Oh no! That is
terrible." "I'll say", said Bill "All day long, it was hit the ball and
drag Charlie!"
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another
minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call
him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this
happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a
grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just
died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would
have had
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down
the road at the same time. As they pass each other, the woman leans out
the window and yells "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his window and
shouts back "BI%@$!" They continue on their way. As the man rounds the
next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. in my file
now :)
Pointless Questions
=-===============-=
"Do you here voices?" "No." "I didn't say anything!"
If buttered toast always lands butter side down and a cat always lands on
it's feet, What would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast onto the
back of a cat?
How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work?
If a 24 hour garage is open 365 days a year, 24 hours, why are there locks
on the doors?
If you were driving at the speed of light, and you turned the head lights
on what would happen?
If you transport something by car it's a shipment, by ship it's a cargo?
Why do we itch?
If you eat your peas, will a kid in South America really stop starving?
101 Easy Ways To Say No
=-===================-=
I'd love to, but...
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 the President said he might drop in.
5 the man on television told me to stay tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 it's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 there's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 my crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 my patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 the grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 it's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 my subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 none of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y".
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named
Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put
it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 you know how we psychos are.
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 my uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking
for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 my palm reader advised against it.
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.
Real Life Excuses Filled In On Car Insurance
=-========================================-=
"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth."
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
roadway when I struck him."
"I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I
had skull fracture and brain damage."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
"I was on the way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"I had been driving for some fourty years when I feel asleep at the wheel
and had an accident."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him."
"A pedestrian hit me, and went under my car."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have."
Fun Things to do When Driving
=-=========================-=
1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a
look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it
looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when
driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll/barbie out your window or
sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an
obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them,
stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out
the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop.
Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
A Mr. Mark Taylor driving outside of Richmond Virginia southbound on
Interstate 95 in the far left hand lane at approximately 55 MPH minding his
own business, when he noticed in his rear view mirror a Virginia State
Policeman right behind him. One mile later Mark Taylor is in the same lane
nothing has changed except now he is driving at 65 MPH. One mile after
that little has changed except the Policeman is now right on his bumper as
Mark is driving at a 85 MPH rate of speed. The Officer now flashes his
lights and Mark reluctantly pulls to the side of the road. After the
Officer demands Marks drivers license and registration, he asks Mark, "Mr.
Taylor I cannot for the life of me figure out why, when you knew I was
behind you for quite a time and that as we both continued down the road you
sped up knowing fully well that you could be cited for speeding. What
caused you to do that. Mr. Mark Taylor looked the Officer directly in the
eye and softly spoke, " Officer, three years ago today, my wife ran off
with a Virginia State Policeman, and I thought you were him bringing her
back."
Top Ten Ways To Answer The Phone
=-============================-=
10. "Hello sorry I'm not in right now, BEEEEP!"
9. "Teesside swimming baths, no running, diving or pissing in the shallow
pool."
8. "You're on the air at (insert a radio station name here)"
7. "WHAT THE F*** DO YOU WANT?!!"
6. "Foh foh fah foh foh fah fof fof foh foh"
5. "Hey peace man, heeeeeeeeyyy, hoooooo, ha haha!!"
4. "Mulder."
3. "Take a look at my girlfriend, she's the only one I've got, not much
of a girlfriend, we never seem to get along...."
2. "Ooooooohhh, heeeellloooooww"
1. "{BELCH!}"
Excuse To Miss School Blunders
=-==========================-=
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her
shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,
30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he
fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
---diahre--- ---dyrea--- ---direathe--- the shits.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea
and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot
to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it
Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold
and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in
bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also
sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever
and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and
fever. There must be something going around, her father
even got hot last night.
Genuine Extracts From Letters Sent To Council Offices
=-=================================================-=
I wish to complain that my Father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.
The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door throwing
their balls on the roof.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next
door.
The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in draws.
I request your permission to remove my draws in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done, as my wife
is about to become an expectant mother.
I want some repairs doing to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send me someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife
tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a
third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Would you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
not fit to drink.
Would you please repair our toilet, my sons pulled the chain and the box
fell on is head.
Would you please send a man to mend my spout, I am an old age pensioner
and need it straight away.
I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.
This is to let you know that the lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get
BBC2.
This is to let you know that the lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get
BBC2.
Smiley Guide
=-========-=
:-o Wow!
:-c Real unhappy
:-| Grim
:-C Just totally unbelieving
:= | Baboon
:-B Drooling
:-v Speaking
:-, Smirk
:-V Shout
:-|| Anger
:-w Speak with forked tongue
:-) Smiling
:-r Sticking tongue out
:-( Frowning
:-* Oops!
'-) Wink
:-T Keeping a straight face
;-) Sardonic Incredulity
:-D Said with a smile
%- Drunk with laughter
:-x Kiss kiss
:-" Pursing lips
:-[ Pouting
:-# My lips are sealed
:-X A big wet kiss!
:-P Tongue hanging out in anticipation
:-Y A quiet aside
8-| Eyes wide with surprise
>-< Absolutely livid!!
&-| Tearful
|-{ "Good Grief!" (Charlie Brown?)
:-} Happy
8-] "wow, maaan"
8-O I don't believe it!"
|~( "Someone just busted my nose".
:^D "Great! I like it!"
B-D "Serves you right, dummy!!"
:-) Your basic smiley. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or
joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix.
;-) Winky smiley. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark.
More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smiley.
:-( Frowning smiley. User did not like that last statement or is upset
or depressed about something.
:-I Indifferent smiley. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as
good as a happy smiley
:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-).
>:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.
Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common ones:
(-: User is left handed
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight
:*) User is drunk
[:] User is a robot
8-) User is wearing sunglasses
B:-) Sunglasses on head
::-) User wears normal glasses
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses
8:-) User is a little girl
:-)-8 User is a Big girl
:-{) User has a mustache
:-{} User wears lipstick
{:-) User wears a toupee
}:-( Toupee in an updraft
:-[ User is a Vampire
:-E Bucktoothed vampire
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
:-7 User just made a wry statement
:-* User just ate something sour
;-( User is crying
;-) User is so happy, s/he is crying
:-@ User is screaming
:-# User wears braces
:^) User has a broken nose
:;*{O) Mega-Smiley... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft,
a mustache, and a double chin
Note: A lot of these can be typed without noses to make midget smileys.
:] - Gleep...a friendly midget smiley who will gladly be your friend
:) - Happy
:> - hmm, let me think...
:D - Laughter
:I - Hmmm, not funny!
:( - Sad
:[ - Real Downer
:< - what pretences!
:{ - oh boy, the headmaster!...
:O - Yelling
;( - Crying
[] - Hugs and
:* - Kisses
:-` smiley spitting out its chewing tobacco
:-1 smiley bland face
:-! "
:-$ smiley face with it's mouth wired shut
:-6 smiley after eating something sour
8-) smiley swimmer
:-* smiley after eating something bitter
:-& smiley which is tongue-tied
:-0 smiley orator
(:-( unsmiley frowning
=:-) smiley punk-rocker
=:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
+-:-) smiley priest
:-o smiley singing national anthem
:-p smiley sticking its tongue out (at you!)
:-[ un-smiley blockhead
:-] smiley blockhead
:-{ smiley variation on a theme
:-} ditto
{:-) smiley with its hair parted in the middle
}:-) above in an updraft
g-) smiley with pince-nez glasses
:-\ undecided smiley
:-/ lefty undecided smiley
:-| "have an ordinary day" smiley
;-) winking smiley
:-< real sad smiley
:-x "my lips are sealed" smiley
:-c bummed out smiley
:-v talking head smiley
:-? smilely smoking a pipe
0-) smiley cyclops (scuba diver?)
:< midget unsmiley
:> midget smiley
:-) ha ha ~~:-( net.flame
|-) hee hee
|-D ho ho
:-> hey hey
:-( boo hoo X-( net.suicide
:-I hmm
:-O uh oh >:-I net.startrek
:-P nyah nyah 3:o[ net.pets
|-P yuk