Whether I’m writing a critique on religion or politics, I usually go out of my way to attack ideas rather than people, especially if they are fellow Mormons. I also try really hard to be constructive in my criticism and to build up rather than tear down. I think it’s much more effective to reinforce the positive rather than attack the negative. However, sometimes I also think it’s really important to single out ideas that are very harmful.

Elaine S. Dalton, the president of the Young Women organization in the church, gave a devotional address to the youth on January 15. While I have no objections to her message by and large, and in fact in think there are also some excellent ideas spoken here, I can’t help but call out some serious problems with part of her advice. As the father to a little girl who will some day be hearing such messages, I’m deeply concerned. And even though I criticize those ideas, I want to be clear I’m not criticizing this good sister, and I hope what write here is viewed as constructive criticism, because ultimately I feel that we are on the same team.

The Bad

Don’t let anyone tell you you are too young. Paul told Timothy, “Let no man despise thy youth.” Many times we hear, “Well, come back when you have a little more experience,” or, “Wait to decide that until you’re a little bit older,” or “Delay marriage until you have a little more financial security and schooling.” But buying into that worldly philosophy denies the knowledge you already have: that you are not ordinary. And that you have come here to go forward with faith and with the power of your youth and unique perspective. Don’t let old paradigms become your parameters. I’m personally keenly aware that many of the blessings I’m enjoying now in this life stem from decisions I made when I was between the ages of 18 and 30. This amazing man sitting with me here on the stand happens to be the best decision I made while here at BYU.

President Dalton, just shy of 22 when she got married, is obviously grateful for that decision, and good for her. I also have many family members in similar circumstances. However, that doesn’t mean it’s good advice. I can’t help but wonder how many Mormons are divorced, or in abusive or unsalvageably dysfunctional marriages, because they took that advice.

There are very good reasons why young people should be extremely cautious about the decisions they make. Research shows that our brains aren’t fully developed until our mid twenties. Yet in a cruel, ironic twist, society requires these underdeveloped frontal lobes to make many critical decisions about their futures. When kids turn 18, they go off to college, they’re legally allowed to drink, smoke, etc. It can be a very tumultuous time of life, and it’s probably the period when people make the most important decisions of their life, for good or for bad.

Now, waiting until your late 20s to wed isn’t a guarantee of success, and wedding in your teens or early 20s isn’t a guarantee of failure, but the statistics are sobering. Think of how much understanding of your own identity and life aspirations you developed in your early 20s. I understand that President Dalton and the Church in general are concerned about too many people postponing marriage unwisely, and I agree that it is a problem to some extent. But that doesn’t mean we should be so careless in telling these kids that marrying young is great. “You are not ordinary” sounds an awful lot like “Don’t worry, it won’t happen to you.”

So let’s not “let old paradigms become [our] parameters”. Even traditional marriage is a different animal in today’s world. Family dynamics require different skills and temperaments than they did a couple of generations ago. I almost made some life-wrecking decisions in my young adult years, and part of what gave me courage to make them was rhetoric similar to Dalton’s.

When it comes to deciding who to marry, I hope my little girl fully understands just how important it is to take her time and make a very wise decision. Financial and educational considerations, while not the only important factors, are still extremely important.

Now, I’m pretty sure President Dalton would respond that she’s not telling the youth to throw caution to the wind. However, I counter-respond that words like hers will produce exactly that effect in some of audience who take them to heart. If messages like these were balanced by messages such as “You are probably not ready to get married if…” or “It is probably unwise to start having children if…”, then I would feel more at ease. Unfortunately, messages telling the youth to get married and start families early are a dime a dozen, whereas messages arguing for maturity and caution are pretty much non-existent. Instead of simply counselling the youth to “not delay marriage and starting a family,” we need to have more messages on how to know and when they’re mature enough and prepared to get married and to start a family.

The Ugly

Later in President Dalton’s address, I heard this jaw dropper:

You will also be the ones to provide an example of family life in a time when families are under attack, being redefined and disintegrating. You will understand your roles and your responsibilities and thus will see no need to lobby for rights.

The bolded sentence was kind of an anomaly in the address, as I didn’t hear her say anything else about lobbying for rights. I’m not sure where this comment came from, to be honest. But to put it diplomatically, I think it’s a tremendously unfortunate thing to say.

Those who know me know I really loathe the obsession current church culture has with what we call “gender roles”. But this comment by President Dalton goes even beyond that: she’s actively discouraging women from seeking rights. It’s just so staggering to me that she would say this. Imagine if similar advice were given in the past to women seeking suffrage. “Know your place.” I think that even Mormons who don’t agree with any aspect of the feminism movement should recognize that these words constitute a bald political statement and have no place coming from the president of the Young Women organization.

Oddly enough, President Dalton’s condemnation of activism goes against the whole thrust of the first half of her talk. Most of the advice there encourages the youth to seize the day and avoid idling their time away believing that the decisions they make and the things they do aren’t important. She says, “We must do more than just watch the race. You must take part in it. Believe! Have faith! Discipleship is not a spectator sport.” When there is inequality, whether inside or outside the church, it’s important not to be passive observers, despite the people that will tell you to sit down and shut up.

President Dalton also said, “Never before has there been opportunity than now.” But one wonders where today’s opportunities came from if not from those bold trailblazers who lobbied for them in the first place. Or, as Joanna Brooks asked, “Is thinking carefully and respectfully about doctrine and trying to separate the worldly and non-inspired influences of conservative gender culture from the gospel ‘lobbying for rights?'”

What Worked for Me Will Work for You

Obviously President Dalton was intending to speak helpfully about her experiences and what has worked for her. But I know quite a few people with the opposite experience. In response to these two ideas in President Dalton’s address, an obviously frustrated acquaintance commented,

What is aggravating is she previously speaks of her “choices” at 18 including choosing her BYU husband as the reason her life is so blessed and perfect. She calls it following a “formula.” The problem with that is I too followed the “formula” to a T as do many other young, naive LDS girls, but real life isn’t like that. My returned missionary husband I had 5 kids with, put through BYU and law school went on to serve in the Bishopric (yeah we were on the Mormon “track”), he ended up having multiple affairs and driving our financial life into a ditch.

I was taught by women like her my entire life to trust the priesthood holder in my home and sustain him, to be passive in matters of “rights”. I am now clawing my way through college, fighting for the 5th year for my financial “rights” to take care of my kids, finish school and try not to end up on the streets.

I thank men and women who lived and went before me to lobby for my RIGHT to get a divorce, receive child support, get grants for school, help if I need it, free lunches at school for my kids especially on days I am scrounging for change to buy milk.”

Last Words: A Father’s Hope

Again, I want to be clear that I’m not making enemies with President Dalton. I know she’s doing her best. And I want the best for the young women (and men) of our church, just as I’m sure she does. But we have got to be careful about what we say around impressionable kids, especially when it comes from a position of authority.

As I am accustomed to doing lately, I tend to view this kind of stuff through the eyes of a father. I hope to instill in my daughter a healthy sense critical thinking and decision making ability. I hope to encourage my daughter to understand that “all are alike unto God” (2 Nephi 26:33) so that if or when she ever encounters this type of well-meaning-yet-unhelpful advice, she will simply laugh it off. And finally, I hope to walk the fine line between teaching her that while not everything she learns in church is true, she should still consider the advice of her mentors and leaders.