Death Race Darby from the Reign Valley Vixens

You care because you think that girls who are that well put together and play roller derby are just looking for a way to rebel and show off how tough they can be, which makes you think that (1) you’ll actually have a chance with her because dating a putz like you isn’t such a bad way to rebel against what society expects from a well-rounded 8, and (2) if you get them hopped up enough on box wine and peach schnapps, they might even let you test out just how tough they really are.

I care because a derby doll who’s lying down on her back, propped up on her elbows, and looking up at me like that it is probably thinking “Okay, so now that you’ve knocked me to the ground, what are you going to do about it?”