The Bachelorette Recap #4: “Not mad…just disappointed”

I know, I know. Those of you who read these recaps are pissed that it’s late. But since I spent much of my time yesterday writing a recap that only 30 people read (sadly, stats don’t lie), and since I stayed up until midnight last night watching an episode and a half of Gilmore Girls after watching The Bachelorette (I’m motoring my way through the series again before the Netflix episodes come out later this year and I watched the last episode of season 5 — the best season IMO — which if you remember correctly is a MAJOR cliffhanger so of course I had to move on to season 6 even though I know exactly what happened), and since it’s 70° and gorgeous today, and — most importantly — since I really wanted to wait until it was an acceptable time to have a glass of wine to fuel me through the debauchery and sheer terror that was last night’s episode, I waited.

Why wait for an acceptable time to have a glass of wine? Because despite what you may think, I don’t day drink.

I’m not really an alcoholic, I just play one on my blog.

But since it’s now after 5 p.m. I’ll pour a glass and write the recap sitting out on my deck and pray to all things Harrison that that cheeping I hear are birds and not Chad lurking in my woods, whistling his tune of death.

Grab a weapon of self-defense, folks, and let’s dive in.

Disclaimer:The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelorette.Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously).

Remember how ABC teased the pool party being a bloodbath? Well, ABC is a sleazy liar (not that I’m shocked). The only drama at the pool party is Evan’s bloody nose and a few of the guys arguing over whose beaded leather necklace that held their mics is cooler looking.

Seriously, it’s such a rip-off.
I’m hoping for a fight or at the very least a near-drowning, but everyone is silly and goofy and on their best, let’s-have-pretend-fun-for-the-cameras’-sake behavior.
They do shots!
They do cannonballs!
They have chickenfights!
They have races on giant inflatable swans and flamingos!
They ogle JoJo’s boobs which are on display in her navy bikini top!

Even Chad, stalking around all cocky and confident with his ropy and ‘roided veins all oiled up, manages to remain in control.
And by “in control” I mean obviously silently plotting to murder every other boy there in his sleep.
After he offs the security guard, obviously.
JoJo asks him pointedly why he was such a dick to Evan the night before but before he can answer Evan boldly interrupts them.
DUDE.
JUST GO THROW YOURSELF IN FRONT OF A BUS.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother gets some alone time with JoJo, which I’m betting isn’t the only thing he gets when she jumps up and straddles him.
In her bikini.
She tells us how into him she is (I’m leaving that one alone) and how nervous he makes her but how she needs to feel it back from him.
Seriously, I cannot imagine she’s not feeling it back from him in that tiny suit, but maybe that’s an issue Evan can help him with.
Jordan tells us that she means a lot to him (let’s not forget — they’ve known each other for like a week at this point) but of course, says absolutely nothing to her.
Why?
BECAUSE WALLS.

Later, after JoJo leaves, Chad goes apeshit on cute Derek (cute guys with the big ears — S.F. date) because he overheard him telling JoJo how terrified everyone is for their lives with Chad in the house and how there’s a freaking SECURITY GUARD there to make sure no one is murdered in their sleep.

They have a fight that escalates into something (sort of) like this:Chad: Are you afraid of me?Derek: Uh, yeah. You can flip out. Plus, you eat small children.Chad: [flexes and grunts]Derek: You don’t even care about JoJo. You’re just a fame whore!Chad: Well you just stalked her on TV.Derek: Hell yeah I did. WITH THE REST OF AMERICA.Chad: Well, I don’t have time to watch TV. I work out. And find little children to eat.

Chad thrusts his head at Derek, Derek releases his bowels, and Chad stalks away.

With the guys reeling and considering asking ABC to provide panic rooms because Chad is still walking among them, JoJo has a surprise.
Pack your bags, boys, because it’s time to leave the mansion and head to …..

PENNSYLVANIA!!

It’s like ABC doesn’t even give a crap that we all know they’ve given up on this show.

So JoJo arrives in Pennsylvania—which is gorgeous like 10 other months of the year but is now brown and bare and what appears to be like 30° from the way we can feel her hypothermia through our television screens—in an open air U.S. Mail propeller plane.

You guys, I wish that was one of those details I make up for humorous effect, but it’s the ridiculous truth — an open air U.S. Mail propeller plane.

The guys arrive by off-roading through mud bogs in rugged 4-wheel Jeeps.

The first one-on-one date goes to Cowboy Luke and the card reads “I like you very MUSH,” which can only mean one thing: A freezing cold dog-sled ride on a wheeled sled through the woods pulled by a team of Alaskan Huskies.
Because Pennsylvania.After they basically contract frostbite, they arrive at a wood-stove hot tub in the middle of the woods and Luke has to show off his farmer skills by splitting the wood to keep it warm.
Then they strip down.
Luke looks hot.
JoJo looks hot.
The water is hot.
So damn hot that JoJo can’t even get in, bless her little heart, so Luke has to hold her like a baby and gently lower her — ass first — into the boiling cauldron.

She loves it.
Luke tells her how it’s a great date and how being in the outdoors is his jam and then, proving he’s not just a pretty chest, muses how “sometimes, hot tubs are hot.”JoJo is into his insanely chiseled chest him.
She’s even more into him at dinner when he opens up about his time in Afghanistan and how a good buddy was killed and how the experiences he had made him appreciate life and live in the moment. He tells her he wants to look into her eyes forever.
She practically offers him the Fantasy Suite key right then and there but settles for the rose.
It’s a sweet, romantic moment, so naturally JoJo takes him to a theater where the entire town is waiting—camera phones in the air—to creep on them dancing and kissing to a private concert from the latest ABC-pimped country group.

I like Luke(‘s abs), and it should go without saying I’m thankful for his service to our country and admire him tremendously, but this is a reality show so I’m also allowed to say he’s devoid of personality and he bores me. He’ll make it to Fantasy Suites and top 3, but I’m still betting on the Rodgers boy to take it all. the. way.

Speaking of that, let’s move on to the football group date.

The boys arrive at Heinz Field and are met by Heinz Ward, some other pro football dude no one in my viewing party recognizes, and Big Ben Roethlisberger (or RAPELESSberger).
Wow, talk about timely.

The guys are geeking out.
Jordan Rodgers wets himself, yet again.
They’re running drills and JoJo is telling Rapersberger who her favorites are.
He hugs her, wishes her the best, and then rapes her.
Just kidding.
He allegedly rapes her.*

They guys are fierce.
Even Evan, who’s wearing skinny jeans, is giving it his all.
Jordan is in his element, firing bullets to all the guys and praying one of the pros will take notice and he can once again put football above everything else in his life.
Sweet Baby splits his eyelid open, but even with blood pouring down his face and his head wrapped like Frankenstein, refuses stitches.

THE GAME MUST GO ON!

The guys are split into teams for a game and the winners will get to continue the date with JoJo.
Jordan gets to play QB for both teams because he’s Aaron Rodgers’ brother, dammit, and because he’s JoJo’s favorite and she wants to make sure she gets to eat his tongue later.

The game is physical.
Guys are diving and tackling.
Evan is running so hard he gets another bloody nose.
With a final minute steal and TD from Derek, the blue team wins and the other team has to ride home alone with Rapingberger, which is actually scarier than riding home with Chad.

Later that night, JoJo gets some alone time with Robby, whom we haven’t really seen that much of yet.
He sits her up on a pool table and eats her face.
Seen enough.

JoJo then proceeds to kiss everyone else on the date, effectively giving each of them a taste of Robby’s tonsils.

JoJo still has questions for Jordan, and reminds us he makes her nervous, which is Bachelorette code for YOU WILL BE THE ONE TO GET MY ROSE.
And yes, rose is a euphemism.

Jordan finally takes JoJo outside to a noisy fountain — far away from the cameras — to tell her he’s into her because I guess he doesn’t realize how mic packs work, and JoJo is relieved and elated.
So she gives him some of Robby’s saliva and the date rose.

Back at the man-cave, all the guys are ganging up on Chad and telling him he’s a shit.
(To be clear — in case I haven’t been the past few recaps — I despise Chad. But the other guys are getting out of hand and I don’t know if it’s the brown liquors or the adrenaline or the presence of the beefy ABC security guard that’s fueling them, but the over-instigating and poking the bear thing is getting outrageous.)

Luke: You show huge amounts of anger.Chad: Yeah, because everybody’s pushing me. You’re saying things and I can’t get you to shut up so the only way I can get you to shut your mouth is to hit you.

Nevermind.

The dreaded two-on-one date is with Chad and Alex, and the card says:

Into the woods the path goesOnly one returns with a rose

Which basically is a cute poem that means Chad is going to kill one of them.

Before the date, the guys have another round of Safety in Numbers and throw vicious insults at Chad.
Alex calls him a piece of shit.
Grant calls him a coward.
Jordan says something I don’t hear but that is probably about how his brother is a famous quarterback that sets Chad off.Chad (to Jordan): I will come to your house and find you when this show is over!
Jordan just laughs.And wets himself.

A helicopter arrives to take Chad and Alex to the Hunger Games arena, and JoJo tells us she feels sick because she doesn’t know what is going to happen.Me: OF COURSE YOU DO! SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET MURDERED!

They hike far into a remote Pennsylvania forest where I’m quite certain missing bodies have never been found (well done, ABC — you’ve earned back some production respect) and the three of them sit on a rock in eerie silence.
#erie
#pennslyvanisahumor

JoJo takes Alex off to talk and he uses his time to tell her that Chad threatened other guys repeatedly.JoJo: Hmm. Really? Does my hair look pretty?Alex: He even threatened to find Jordan after the show was over.JoJo: I’LL KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER

JoJo talks to Chad.
Throws Alex under the bus and tells him he tattled on him.
Chad tells her that he’s chill and that the fact that he’s the most hated man in America is no big deal.
She brings up Jordan.JoJo: What did Jordan do?Chad: He pressured me! Didn’t girls in the house do that to you?JoJo: Unless you mean in regards to which size cutlet to stuff in my bra, no! We talked! You threatened to beat people!Chad: Yeah! So’s they’d be quiet!Chad’s future children: Please, CPS, just take us now.

While JoJo is off pretending to be emotional and needing a moment to make a decision, Chad sits next to Alex (ABC security on high alert) and calmly tells him, “I’m not mad at you … just disappointed” before throwing out this zinger, “It’s unfortunate I can’t hurt you right now without getting in trouble.”

You guys, I’m scared and I live like four states away.

JoJo returns, tells Chad she can’t be with someone who resorts to violence, and gives Alex the rose. They kiss and practically skip off holding hands while Chad seethes, wonders aloud if he’s getting pranked and if JoJo is an actress or just a bitch, and then eats the head off a squirrel.

Back at the man-cave, the dude arrives to pick up Chad’s suitcase and the other guys break out bottles of champagne, Fireball, and New Year’s Eve party poppers (thanks, ABC!) and celebrate the fact that they can continue living life … alive.

“We’re done with Chad!” they whoop.

But not so fast.
Because Chad shows up at their back door, whistling an evil tune and grinning maniacally — which we all know was masterminded by ABC, but is still nightmare inducing all the same — ready for revenge.

Will anyone survive Chad’s wrath? We have to wait until June 20th to find out.
Thank God.
I’m emotionally wracked.
And more than a little bit certain I’ll have nightmares.

Leaderboard after week 3 (or is it 4?) –
Jordan
Luke
Chase
Derek

Don’t forget, if you like the recaps, please do me a solid and share, share, share!!And for this season’s previous episodes as well as past seasons of Bachelor/Bachelorette recaps, click HERE

*My flip comments were in no way meant to lighten the gravity of rape and its victims, but were meant only to call out yet another professional athlete who *allegedly* raped more than once and is now being lauded by the public as if all is forgotten, which is heinous. Shame on you, ABC, for including him in your show, no matter how ridiculous of a show it is.

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NinaN -Thank you for taking the time to write these recaps! I do worry for your mental health though….ReplyCancel

Michelle -Eh, by now — 14 years in — there’s really no hope for my mental health. 😛 Thanks for always reading!!ReplyCancel

Teri Biebel -Hold up. I’m only halfway through and you do this:

‘JoJo is telling Rapersberger who her favorites are.
He hugs her, wishes her the best, and then rapes her.”

I need to go change my pants before I finish the rest. Because pee.ReplyCancel

Amy -6 = number of times I literally laughed out loud reading this recap. Thanks for writing!ReplyCancel

Michelle -2 = number of glasses of wine I will cheers you with later tonight for laughing and reading.
1 = number of great big virtual hug I’m sending you. 🙂ReplyCancel

Julia -I have never watched an episode of either The Bachelor or The Bachelorette but I do love your recaps. Of course, they remind me of why I have never tuned in…hilarious. Thanks for taking one for the team.ReplyCancel

Michelle -Smart woman. Live the hours of my life I’m losing well for me, m’kay?? Thanks so much for reading!!ReplyCancel