But what about how people think? Part of coping with divorce is sometimes telling ourselves things that will soothe our pain and make us feel better about our situation, our decisions and our actions. Some self-talk is positive and will truly help in coping with divorce, but sometimes divorced women and men lie to themselves, which is never good. Here are 20 lies divorced women and men tell themselves, and my response (of course.)

1. I could care less what happens to my ex. Yes, you do. You will always care until the day you die.

2. I hate when I’m not with my kids. You don’t hate it all the time. Sometimes you welcome the break. Being alone offers reprieve from stress. Don’t feel guilty if you enjoy your time without your kids. Doing nice things for yourself and having some life enjoyment that doesn’t involve your kids makes you a better parent.

3. I don’t want to meet anyone and I’m never getting married again. Yes, you do and yes, you might. You’re saying this to protect yourself because you are afraid that you might never meet anyone. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t care about finding love.

4. I know my ex will regret this someday. Not trying to be a jerk, but no, he or she probably won’t. Accept it. It doesn’t really matter.

5. When I was married, I was really happy or When I was married, I was really miserable. When you were married, you were both. You were happy at times, so don’t be afraid to remember those times, and you were miserable at times. Remember that too. It will reinforce the fact that you needed to be divorced.

6. Everyone knows the divorce was his/her fault. For as many people who are telling you it was his/her fault, there are that many people telling him or her it was yours. Get over it. Who cares what people think!

7. My attorney really hates my ex. He or she has to say that because you are paying him or her.

8. Even if I could find a way, I’d never be interested in checking out my ex’s profile on dating sites or on facebook. Of course you are curious. That’s only natural. Just don’t become a stalker or spend too much time on it. Move on!

10. The thought of having sex with my ex is repulsive. Hmm…I guess this one depends on the situation. If he abused you, or if she cheated on you, yes, it probably is. If he or she is the slightest bit nice to you, you might have moments when you remember how cute he or she was.

11. The thought of having sex with another man/woman is repulsive. Really? I don’t think so. It just takes time. You will eventually meet or see some guy or girl who will make your heart stop and you will remember that you liked sex.

12. My kids are going to grow up and realize what he or she did to me. They probably will, but they will still love both their parents unconditionally, and that’s actually a good thing.

13. I know how to stay away from dysfunctional relationships. When people get divorced, they are vulnerable to getting into bad relationships. I’m not judging. I did it. Just realize what the relationship is, and DON’T MARRY THE PERSON!

14. My life is really messed up, thanks to him or her. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and fix your life yourself.

15. I love my new life. It’s okay to say, “this sucks.” We all know you aren’t blissful at the moment. You WILL love your life. But it takes time.

16. If I could just meet someone, I know my life would fall into place. Reverse that. Work on your life, career, kids, hobbies, yourself. When that falls into place, you will meet someone.

17. My ex’s girlfriend is hideous looking. She is not! She’s adorable and you know it. That’s okay. Did you expect your ex to date a dog??

18. My ex is really jealous of the guy I’m dating. Sorry. He just isn’t. Why do you need him to be? You don’t.

19. My wedding day was the best day of my life. No it wasn’t. Otherwise, you’d still be married. Don’t be afraid to see what you didn’t see back then.

20. I don’t care what other people think about me getting divorced. Yes, you do. But you shouldn’t.

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

James

Hi Jackie
As a guy going through seperation after 10 years marriage I agree with all of them although some of the last I am not at the point in the seperation where that has happened yet.

For anyone going through this your brain is remarkable in pulling the wool over your eyes. It almost takes a concious effort not to fall into the lies above. You will definately still think them but just realise they arent true. And remember even though your ex may have some awful things to say about why you split up it comes from a place of guilt and hurt similar to the place you are in. Some or all of it may be true but remember it is equally your ex justifying the split to themselves and they are just as capable of lying to themselves as you are. Its not always about you .

Q.

This is the biggest load of bull*@!# gathered in one single place I’ve ever read! Not only does it suppose far too much, but it greatly deminishes the damage of divorce. Divorce is the single greatest cause of the decay our society today. Divorce is a hiddeous cancer and it is literally ripping our entire civilization to pieces one broken family at a time. Divorce = a fate far worse than death. It’s a special kind of hell, and it’s forever.

Insidious_Sid

Q, you’re spot on. There is much out there that encourages people (women especially) to divorce. The damage is minimalized and being divorced / getting divorced is passed off as being “something everybody does now”. Well, I have to encourage my own children never to get married in this kind of climate, especially my son who little than ever to gain and more than ever too lose. More men are opting out of marriage completely and I say good for them!

Barb

Heartbroken

I feel you completely my husband of 27 years just told me he loves me deeply but not the way a man should love a woman. That was October then in December he told me he’s in love with his girlfriend of one year when he was 15 to 16. He wants a divorce and plan to live with this woman. I never knew anything two weeks before telling me these things he was sending me love songs and telling me he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me.

Fred

Dude, take a pill. The fact that people can leave relationships that aren’t working out isn’t the greatest cause of decay in our society. It’s a fire exit. It really sucks if you need to use it, but if you don’t it’s going to be a hell of a lot worse.

Divorce is not a fate worse than death. For example, I am divorced. I started my day with a run by the river, and then met my girlfriend for brunch. After that, I went to the movies and then had a long call with my Dad about nothing before having a beer. It’s been a pretty good day so far. I haven’t been dead before, so I can’t say definitively, but just going out on a limb, I’d say this is not a fate worse than death.

Sorry she left you, Captain Happy. Can’t imagine why. You seem like a barrel of laughs.

Fred

Hey Bob. One son, 18 months old at the time of the split.

The negotiations were pretty tough, she did some lashing out in the process and yeah, my son was weaponized to a degree. Also lost a ton of money, if it matters. She didn’t threaten to leave my son with me, and in fact if anything it more went the way of threatening alienation. If she would have had plausible grounds to just outright prevent a relationship with him, I question whether she would have threatened that card. But, there weren’t any grounds, I was well represented, and I did everything I could to conduct myself responsibly before, during, and after the divorce process. The best offense is a good defense, which is being responsible, honest, humble, sharp, honorable and humane. Including treating my Ex with kindness and respect, and trying to remember that this is someone that I once pledged my life to and meant it. Of course, I was scrupulous about being fair to myself and being assertive (but not hostile) about it. 100% recognize that may not work on every Ex. Granted, my phone can ring in an hour and I can get a dose of crazy (although unlikely, she’s moving on too), but I’ll eventually be able to hang up the phone and won’t be going home to that and I have new friends and great girlfriend to lean on if I need support.

But, it’s not about who I left or what happened in the process. It’s about moving on to the life that opens up after that and the fact that it’s better than the one I left. I still need to interact with her from time to time due to our son, and things have cooled to a more businesslike relationship. Mainly because she’s the custodial parent, so I generally give her a lot of deference on her judgment calls and I’ve continued to act respectfully and responsibly. Again, understand that may not work on every Ex. But, hey if she’s that bad, you’re WAY better off divorced from her than living under the same roof and dealing with that every day, no?

Good luck, Bob.

PS unrelated tangent–#19 doesn’t fit me. The wedding day was the best day of my life, hands down and if there were any day in my life I could re-live, it would be that one one hundred times over. We just ran out of good days a few years later.

Leonard Perez

U were right on almost all of the lies we tell ourselves after divorce. In my case I had a real bad drug and alcohol problem which led to cheating. Since then I went to rehab approaching a yr clean and sober. We’ve been divorced almost 2 yrs and the pain is more real than ever I continue 2 support my ex wife and boy’s. Which places me second financial.

Bob

Leonard, that burden doesn’t belong to you. You dont need to support shit. You were doing drugs because you probably couldn’t deal with the fact you married and had kids with someone that was emotionally and spiritually shallow. Drug abuse doesnt just happen in a vacuum. There was some prompting. The fact that you must put yourself 2nd financially is complete bullshit. That’s an old societal bullshit pressure thing to make you feel guilty or shameful… its nonsese. Dont accept that collective guilt or shame…. complete bullshit. Especially supporting your ex! For what? She is able to make money for herself. Sounds loke you didnt hire an attorney. If you did, you picked the wrong one.

pjay

Complete nonsense. The world would be a better place if my psychotic ex were 6 feet under. And the divorce was entirely her fault.

Your generation seems intent on preserving a flawed, dead institution – it’s beyond idiotic. I prefer my sons never get married, and they already have a window seat at the train wrecks that so many young women have become.

It’s an Eat Pray Love culture, and moron white women have sprayed their narcissism all over it.

Samurai

I am with you.
After the 4yrs of marriage she had cheat on me with other guy.
Worst thing is They cheat their a way to happiness.nothing I could do about it.
Meanwhile I paying for house mortgage, car loan,insurance,healthcare and all other bills while we were married.

All the son in this world.
Don’t get married. Don’t sign legal paper. Trust me its not worst to you..

Sensei

S

Sad to read some of these comments, I’m mid-divorce and really hope that everything they’ve witnessed and experienced in the last couple of years doesn’t put my girls off men or marriage, and I tell them as such – there are good marriages that do last, not all relationships end up like this.

Kenny

What I don’t understand if you and your spouse both know what you did wrong why not do better for you and your kids why just quit. And why try to make your kids think one of you were the reason it happened

Danny

If it were as simple as knowing what someone did wrong, it usually wouldn’t get that far. Half the battle is usually understanding what is going wrong, and many times that is a fiendishly difficult thing to answer. Particularly because the answer is subject to change. Even if it does get figured out (it isn’t always a mystery), what if someone won’t change? What if Dad is a drunken, negligent failure? What if Mom is an emasculating, rageaholic and refuses to seek help and only gets even more furious whenever anyone tries to tell her that she has a problem? What if someone is a serial cheater? Or is abusive to the kids?

As for staying together for the kids, it’s better for them to be from a broken home than in one. Kids get by with divorced parents all the time. To be sure, it’s very tough for them particularly while the process is going on. But, after the smoke clears, everybody is able to heal. Maybe not heal everything, but get to a happier place than they would have been in a dysfunctional home. Many times people will use their kids as excuses to avoid hard decisions. It does them no favors.

Not everything lasts forever. I had a beautiful 5 year marriage and the best years of my life were with my Ex. I am more grateful than words can express for that time together. But, we were making each other absolutely miserable, and we just couldn’t make each other happy anymore. We divorced while our son was still very young and we’re both very involved. We’ve even become friends again.

Are there still wounds? Absolutely. Would we be happy or even civil with each other if we stayed together? I don’t have a crystal ball, but it seems pretty easy to say no, we would not. And, we’re both happy again and our son is also happy.

superchicken

My ex went dating site crazy over 70guys in under 6yrzi divorced her she had done the cheating game for all of our25 yrhell my son is the only kid stile home and he wants nothing to do with her I got all the stuff she barely got visiting rights she is still fight in court 6 months later my 15 yr old won’t see her so I’m fighting for his wellbeing I’m getting talked to by her lawyer relreal bad and it’s very expensive but what am I to do my son asked me to protect him 50,000 dollars later on a visitation hearing we’re still fighting unfortunately and I can’t stand to even be around her anymore

CCC

Divorce sucks. I did a lot of the wrong things in my marriage and don’t blame her for leaving. I own it. I do wish however she stayed to see my transformation and give us another chance. I hate that we can’t be together as a family with the kids. I hate some other male figure will be in my kids lives. But I did it and own it. At least I am becoming a better person as a result #getcleanandsober

Jackie Pilossoph

Queen

Divorce is a part of our world. We determine how we would like to cope with this and teach our children in the process. Accountability and therapy are likely to go a long way. Lets spend more time reflecting, growing and healing rather than blaming. Your site is wonderful!

Sonya

Divorce is part of our world unfortunately. I feel that sometimes people give up too quickly and sometimes they stay too long. I’m not sure if divorce is in general better for the children. In some instances it is, but sometimes it is not. Sometimes the dysfunction only gets worse with divorce. The fighting more severe. It depends on how it is handled. On paper, it sounds so simple. Be cooperative and keep the children’s best interests at heart. But, everyone needs to be on the same page for that to happen. Sometimes that doesn’t happen. Especially when new partners are thrown in the mix. It’s hard. Life is messy. We do our best. Sometimes we put our best foot forward and sometimes we regret our actions. It’s human. All we can do is try to do better one step at a time.

Klaudia

I admire moms who are so strong and keep going moving on their life with kids even though is not easy. I find some points true to my situation after 2 divorces and with my lovely 3 kids. Number 15 rocks!

Lisa

I was reading about when your kids prefer to be with the other parent… It makes me feel so awful and unloved. I know they love me but I want them to be just as excited to see me. I shouldn’t have to force my kids to do things with me… I had to leave but never guessed I would be so lonely 🙁

Bev Walton

I have been an ex-wife (married twice before and am now remarried – 3rd time lucky). Along the way, I “inherited” 3 ex-wives from my 3 respective marriages. Having been the “new wife” twice before, I have finally, probably due to my age (now 46), started to accept and come to terms with the pain and heartache that comes with the territory of divorce. I have been able to move on. The points in your article are spot on Jackie. I love point 17! 🙂

Stephanie Stansell

Each person has their own divorce experience and some of those are horrible and involved various forms of abuse. My ex is a sociopath and dangerous and I will not allow him in my home. Now that I am divorced and I totally support myself I say who is allowed in my home and life and that’s okay! I understand this is a blog but men and women come to this site for information so you should do a better job of expressing that your “lists” are your opinion. Someone that is currently going through the difficult process of divorce may read this and take it to heart and beat themselves up over what you think they should be feeling.

jude

Her opinions are spot on, my ex-wife says that me saying she shouldn’t have my daughter spending the night at her boyfriends house 2 1/2 months after I moved out is an “opinion”. Opinion= getting called out for doing the wrong thing and not wanting to hear about it. Opinion ( at least with my ex-wife).

Storm

This is good advice allround. After I found him cheating 3 times, i decided to give it a go… Bad idea! It ruined any self-respect I had left and a great friendship with someone truly special. Finalising my divorce in December and still teaching my children that love is real. Some things in life goes wrong, but then you pick up the pieces and move on.

Timm

Number 19 is complete nonsense. My ex and I will never speak again. The awful divorce ruined that chance. However, I will ALWAYS remember my wedding day as the happiest day of my life. It doesn’t matter if it all worked out forever or not, Nothing can change the past and that is a good thing.

Garry

Sensei

“No good marriage has ever ended in divorce.” – Louis CK

Don’t over-embellish your memories of your marriage, or hold it up as some perfect thing that you can’t believe is over and would do anything to get it back. Stop it. If it was good, it wouldn’t have ended. You weren’t that happy, and neither was your ex.

Jackie,
Thank you for writing the Dating After Divorce article/post. As I read the article, I felt like I wrote it for my ex-wife. To the point, when I printed it out and emailed to her, I was afraid she was going think I typed it up and sent I to her and she would think it was fake. Odds are something was going on before we got divorced, but that doesn’t really matter now. My concern is my 11 year old daughter. Within 3 weeks of our divorce ( and it was a quick one, told she wanted a divorce middle of Feb., final March 29) she had my daughter hanging out all weekend with her ex-boyfriend and posting pictures on Facebook of her and his daughter “hanging out”, not the he and her were, but the kids. Now less than 3 months she is spending the night at his house. I feel sorry for her, when she said she had spent the night there, she had a look of guilt. The worse was this past weekend, Fathers Day morning, she woke up at his house, that hurts.
My ex-wife seems to think it’s perfectly ok since they dated before and she has told my daughter they used to. The points you made:
1. If you want to date- let your ex keep them or get a babysitter- Offered
Their relationship failed once already, I asked to give it some time and see where
it goes before dragging my daughter in to it.
2. Sleepovers are bad- She doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
3. Subjecting them to another loss- see number one, failed once, I said” she just
went through a divorce, what happens if this doesn’t work out again and you
guys break up in a few months. Basically 2 divorces in a few short months”
– not worried about it. none of my business.
4. Play dates with the kids- Told her your using the kids “play dates” as a way to
justify seeing each other when you have your children- response-Not my business
Sorry to ramble on, but thank you for letting me vent and thank you again for
writing it. I thought when she saw it and it was basically what I had been telling her,
I thought she might see the light. Her response- My attorney said I don’t have to
respond to your opinions. I wouldn’t be dragging around my daughter to hang out with new lovers, possible girlfriends, etc., but that’s just me. I could care less about meeting someone right now……. Thanks again, it feels good to feel right.

Daisy

Such a shame that people don’t realise what type of advice this site is giving: if you are looking on-line for a bit of comradery in your divorce, this is what you’ll find… its wonderful! Sound advice for those who are going through a hard time who may want some light-hearted, home-truths.

The clue is in the title: divorced girl *smiling* – she’s not a therapist, she’s a blogger who’s been through it and I for one think the site is a massive help. Like all things in life, I use what is relevant to me and ignore the rest (or at least take it with a grain of salt).

Thanks Jackie, for your wonderful insight into your experience and sharing it with the rest of us!

Jackie Pilossoph

Agreed with all but #1. I think in high conflict situations where you’re back and forth in court and that person is trying to make your life miserable…I could care less. I would hurt for my son who would hurt, but I am beyond who gives a damn. And you know what? That’s okay. I don’t have to care about people who don’t care about me.

Divorcingmum

Divorce totally sucks.
I’m the one who instigated it here and in many ways I’m happy that I did but I wish things had been different.
On my solicitor’s advice I’m staying in the same house as my soon to be ex husband until we have a financial arrangement in place.

Sarah Armstrong

I love the way this writer thinks they know everything about everybody. A separation is going to be entirely different for everybody depending of the level of abuse they have encountered at the hands of their ex partner. Truthfully in my situation I would never want to date or sleep with someone again and yes I do know my own mind thank you very much. Its ok for people to retire from looking for love and sex… It’s only because we live in a society so addicted to ‘searching for the one’ that it’s hard this writer to understand that some people eventually grow up and realise that the ‘chase’ isjust dull and predictable

Bill

If divorce and splitting families isn’t a big deal, that also means, conversely, that marriage and family isn’t a big deal either. Marriage seems to have no value or meaning when divorce is par for the course, it’s becoming just another disposable single use convenience item, a meaningless participation trophy like the rest of our disposable culture. Treating human beings as disposable commodities lowers my opinion of our whole culture. Maybe we just stop doing it and starve the corrupt divorce industry (and the slave labor diamond industry) out of existence. Think of the money and lives you will save by not indulging in some feel-good non-binding empty ritual. Millions of people are being raked over the coals for no good reason, to glorify a lie of lifelong commitment.
The divorce rate is hovering near 50%, and everybody thinks it won’t happen to them. You’re not special in this category, you’re just like everybody else. Nobody is special, everybody is disposable. So why roll the dice? May as well put your entire net worth (plus 20% of your earnings for the next 15 years, give or take) on a roulette table in Vegas and bet even or odd because at least that way you might double up. Marriage in its current state is at best, only neutral or at worst lose half or more of everything. Huge lifelong emotional, financial and social risks, for what? feelings? Fuck feelings.
If you don’t want to get divorced, don’t get married. It’s that simple. I take issue with the “You do want to and you probably will” attitude this author has on topic 3. I got married to be a father, I wanted what my parents have and I still do. Now I’m 40. I could meet a significantly younger woman, true, but I will not marry anybody who cannot or will not be a mother, and now that my career has been undermined I cannot support other children from another man. The author casually assumes that everything is probably just going to work out, but the odds of that are really not good. Younger women do not seem interested in me, and I am definitely not interested in older women. I’m know too picky, but I’m never going to lower my standards because I already have such a low sex-drive that if there’s no attraction, I just can’t do it.
There is really only one thing women can do that I can never ever somehow learn to do, and that’s have children. And since the women I have met refuse to do anything that could be conceived of as a traditional family role, I have to ask myself, what do I need or want a woman companion for? Sex? I don’t really care that much about sex, and never have. I certainly will not take any risks or make any sacrifices for it. The older I get, the less I care about it. When I was married I did more housework than she ever did, and she lied about it in court and was believed. The whole female housework thing is just a narrative with no observable truth to it from my point of view. If it exists in your case, good for you, but I have never benefited from experiencing it. If you want to complain about it to me, you have to actually do it first ladies, I’m not going to accept social stereotypes as true without some evidence in their support. And if I’m not going to get credit for the housework that I do, I’m either not going to do it, or at least not going to do it for you.
I have been falsely accused of domestic abuse, mental illness, suicidal ideation and alcoholism. My education derailed by these accusations. My career essentially dead because of these claims and the repercussions of divorce. My home was deliberately forced into forclosure and I filed for bankruptcy shortly after, my credit is essentially non-existant now. A female county psychologist, a female county attorney, and a female child support officer falsified testimony in court (I disproved all of these things with evidence, but the court did not pursue perjury charges against its own members to no ones surprise.)
I have every right to be suspicious, my lack of trust is completely justified.
The fact is that for as much griping about how terrible everything supposedly is for women, it is men who face pervasive, systemic, and inescapable discrimination in divorce court, especially when title IV social services programs derive their budgets based on how deeply they can reach into men’s pockets. Men are the sitting ducks, not the women, yet we maintain this grand narrative about poor victimized women who deserve vindication against the evil selfish men. Would you get married again when that is the unquestionable narrative of social activists?
The truth is that I tell myself I do in fact want to do this again, but I know In advance that the odds are against me, and that I will most likely lose and that is why I do not, and I simply will not do it at all unless its for a younger women with a plausible likelihood for children. Its like buying a lottery ticket, sure you could possibly win, but you’re most likely going to lose and the cost is absurd. If you lose, lots of assholes on the internet will get a good laugh about how bitter you are and remind you about how you deserve this because you have a penis and women in Saudi Arabia are so terribly oppressed and therefore all men should be shamed and held responsible for the wrongdoings of others. I already lost my home, my education, my career, and damn near lost my son, shame me at your own risk motherfuckers. I will never gamble with any of those things again, unless it is for children and family and that is becoming increasingly unlikely as time progresses.
I’m now 40. My goals in life are career, home, and family, and I must be secure in my person and my property before these things can reasonably be attained. My adherence to the social contract with every one of the rest of you is contingent upon these basic things, if you don’t care about me so be it, but be prepared to accept the consequences of that choice. We’re either in this together or we’re in it separately, and you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I’m not interested in money or power and will not be swayed by possessions, fancy vacations, spurious pastimes, or meaningless sex in lieu of home and family. Home and family is my non-negotiable condition, as career is dependent upon a non-recoverable education.
Show me real commitment. Disposable marriage is not good enough.
The commenter above was not wrong about the decay of society in this way, some of us simply will not accept anything else, the family is the foundation of society. It is not wise to take away people’s reasons for living. Want to see what happens to men with no sense of purpose or meaning and no respect for the social contract? Turn on the TV, they’re the ones that often make headlines. Nature behaves in similar ways when animal families are threatened. We will not accept the abrogation of family peacefully.

JW

I was married to a toxic narcissist for 18 years. I was previously married and did not want to fail again. Unfortunately, I found myself just eating the bad behavior, I was controlled by constant the constant threat of divorce, gaslighting and put downs. I was never going to be perfect enough and the list of imperfections that I was ordered to improve only got longer. I couldn’t keep up and I felt my life was hopeless and I was constantly walking on eggshells. Adding to it all, my husband had a drinking problem and when he was drinking he was even more verbally abusive, screaming and yelling and stomping around. After 9 years of no intimacy or sex, I threw in the towel. I couldn’t understand why he treated me the way he did when other men were attracted to me and would have liked to have someone who was loyal, attractive, didn’t spend money, didn’t drink, or party, do drugs, was spiritual and faithful. I tried so hard to be a good wife and I wasn’t perfect but I made so much effort. It was never enough for him. I went un-noticed. He tried to controll me by constantly threatening me with divorce. Needless to say, one day I had given in too long and was sick of my life and after one of his big threats, I filed for divorce. He was shocked and I have paid dearly in every way during our divorce. He continues to make my life miserable at every turn. Of course everything is my fault and he owns nothing. Here’s my advise to anyone that is in a toxic relationship. Educate yourself on what you are dealing with and pay attention. Protect yourself and arm yourself with knowledge. My childhood and family growing up were normal, everyday loving people. His family were alcoholics, dysfunctional and actually tried to literally kill each other. Somewhere along the line, he was damaged and continued the cycle of abuse. I did not come thru this 18 years unscathed. It will be a long road back to trusting my own judgement and building my self esteem. I can’t say that marriage is a bad institution, my parents have passed the test of 65 years of being together. I’ve never seen two people so in love. Learn to love yourself enough to save yourself. When it seems impossible, when you are down and depressed, turn it over to god and I promise he will hear you and give you the strength to get to the other side. Here’s to “having my life back and feeling alive again”.