Question: I have a question for the rabbis. I am a non-Jewish male interested in marrying and starting a family with a Jewish woman. I am interested in converting to Judaism, but I have not done so yet. What are the implications of having kids with a Jewish woman prior to my converting to judaism and marrying her (my understanding is that I would need to convert before I could marry her)? The biological clock is ticking for kids (i.e., in late 30s). So, I am scared that if I take the time to convert first, then the Jewish woman might be too old to have kids when we get married. So, is it better to have kids first, then convert? Or, is there some kind of consequence for doing that that I am not aware of? That, is, if I get a Jewish woman pregnant without converting and marrying her first, does that bar me from converting to Judaism and marrying her later? Is there some kind of punishment for the Jewish woman in this situation (e.g., some kind of spiritual punishment like you go to gehenna or something bad)? Excuse my ignorance and the long question, but I am interested in the Jewish perspective on this. Thanks.

It is difficult to answer such a question responsibly online. Of course, so much depends on your personal family situation, and I have only the basic information. So I would recommend that you be in touch with a community rabbi, one that you feel comfortable with, and could see going through a conversion with, if it comes to that.

Having said that, I am going to answer as straightforwardly as possible, so that you have a clear sense of the facts. It is true that jews are strongly discouraged, both legally and socially, from marrying and having children with people outside the faith. I cannot speak to question of spiritual punishment, as this falls in the realm of mystery, nor to the issue of social stigma, as this depends on the culture of the community. I can say, however, that there is no lasting practical consequence in Jewish law for the situation you describe. It would not make your children any less Jewish, nor would it make it more difficult for you to convert.

I hope this is helpful, and I wish you and your partner sucess in navigating this journey.

Question: If three people are in love and respect, and accept not being in a monogamous relationship, can they have that relationship in Judaism? Would that be accepted by halachah?
Our patriarchs were not monogamous. Why them do we understand only monogamy as the acceptable practice today?
Would not acceptance of non-monogamous relationships help to address and reduce the pain of betrayal, which is unfortunately so common, because we are subjected to the ideology and restrictions of monogamy?
Is it time to return to the idea of a concubine or pilegesh within halachic Judaism?

You are correct that our patriarchs were non-monogamous, and that biblical law allows for multiple wives, as well as concubinage. The official move away from polygamy came in the year 1000 CE, with the takannah (ruling) of Rabbeinu Gershom. As this ruling was issued in France, it was binding only on Ashekenazi Jews. Additionally, as a takannah is a temporary measure, the ruling was binding only for 1000 years, and technically expired 13 years ago.

So your question is a good one.

Most people have assumed that the Jewish community have taken this practice on as binding and expect it to continue even after the takannah expired. I presume the reason for this is that monogamy in marriage has become socially normative, and that polygamous religions are viewed with suspicion by mainstream society, inasmuch as polygamy is often seen as an institution that promotes the subjugation of women under a patriarch. It is certainly worth considering, therefore, both how much of a negative reaction reintroducing polygamy would provoke towards the Jewish community and if it would likely be abused in ways that would subjugate women. Even if you were right that some trios could coexist in mutual respect and partnership, the danger that the system would be abused might be reason enough not to sanction polygamy.

However, my own opposition to halachic polygamy is for another (though related) reason. While halacha has space to allow men to be polygamous, it does not have a corresponding possiblity to license women to have various husbands. This would always be forbidden, as it would violate the prohibition on adultery. So any halachic system which was non-monogamous would always be imbalanced by gender, and therefore be experienced in our day and age as sexist. In a time when men and women are socially equals, it is unwise to promote a system of halachic relationships which grants men options that it does not grant women. As we grapple with the balance between tradition and honoring the full participation of women in modern society, the last thing we need is to bring back a "men-only" standard of polygamous sexuality.

Tecnically, Jewish Law does not regulate the length of time one must wait before donating the clothes of a deceased person. However, during the period of the shiva, usually lasting for 7 days after the person has died, mourners refrain from conducting all business. So it would be appropriate to hold off on the practical affairs of the household until after this first period of mourning.

Let me also say that if this question was submitted by someone who has recently lost a family member, I wish you comfort among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

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