So ḥarām it’s ḥalāl

Islamic lesson provokes Christian outrage

Following revelations that Virginian high school educator Cheryl LaPorte tricked her students into denying the God their parents instructed them to believe in, it has since come to light that World Geography wasn’t the only class in which she had been teaching false doctrine.

In response to the initial concerns, which were raised when it was revealed LaPorte had forced her pupils to write a non-Christian profession of faith, Riverheads Principal Eric Bond asserted that the textbook (from which LaPorte derived the lesson in question) also includes Judeo-Christian exercises. Unfortunately, this did nothing to assuage the collective outrage of the community. Instead, it prompted thousands of angered parents to examine the school curriculum more closely, which led to a deeply disturbing discovery: LaPorte, who also teaches math, had dedicated an entire subject to the study of The Book of al-Jabr.

Consequently, Jackie Duff, a devout Baptist, has accused LaPorte of willfully violating the First Amendment of the Constitution (which necessitates a wall of separation between Muslim church and Christian state), in order to promote a sinister pluralistic agenda. “It goes against everything our Founding Fathers stood for,” she lamented. “We need to keep the wrong religion out of our government-funded institutions.”

“What ever happened to Roman Catholic numerals anyway?” Duff continued. “They weren’t perfect, but at least they were Christian. Muslim numbers, on the other hand, are inherently incompatible with our alphabet. To pretend otherwise is disingenuous at best.”

At worst, Duff claims, LaPorte’s efforts to reconcile the ii constitute yet another transparent attempt made by public schools and their staff to undermine traditional American values, which, she suggests, further marginalises adherents of Christianity – a historically oppressed majority in the United States. As such, Duff, like many other parents, has not only called for LaPorte’s resignation, but her termination as well.

With reports now surfacing that LaPorte and other faculty members have been inundated with Cs of Ms of “vitriolic” anti-math emails, it would seem that Duff is by no means alone.

Indeed, according to Augusta County Sheriff Randall D. Fisher, the contents of i email in particular were especially troubling. Fisher alleges that it contained a “meme”, which was made by combining a photo of a praying child with a crudely drawn picture of an amputated hand, and featured a caption that read, “This is America. We count on Jesus here, not our fingers”.

Though some have described the furore as “ridiculous”, as Duff remarked, “Better blown out of proportion than blown up.” Duff then went on to suggest that the aforementioned image, in addition to those that depicted beheadings, probably weren’t intended to be threatening, but were, in all likelihood, meant to be illustrative of what might happen if someone were to do something.

Kimberly Herndon, the mother of one of LaPorte’s students, said she was terrified her son would convert to Extremism as a result of being exposed to dangerous ideas like “writing in tongues” and “letter math”.

“I got a call from the Principal [Bond] the other day. He said there had been an incident, and that I needed to come down and collect my son as soon as possible.” Apparently, after reciting The Pledge of Allegiance, Herndon’s son began to shake uncontrollably and foam at the mouth. “Naturally, I didn’t think, I just reacted. I rushed down to the school, pulled him out of creation science class, brought him home, and ran him a baptism.”

Herndon said that when she arrived, she found her son in a state of delirium. “While the rest of the class were making preparations for the Christmas concert, he was rocking back and forth in the corner of the room, sweating profusely, eyes rolled back, chanting death to America over and again.”

Suspicious of the teacher’s motives, Herndon alleges that LaPorte was trying to brainwash her child with subliminal messages, a radicalisation tactic, which, Herndon surmises, was inspired by the back-masking techniques Isis uses to recruit “fans”.

“Why didn’t she include a translation of the script on the assignment paper? Why was my son writing a prayer in Islamic, a language he can’t even read?” Herndon queried. Though somewhat confused about the issue at hand, Herndon nevertheless took the opportunity to voice her disapproval. “Why aren’t our kids being taught Trininometry anymore? The only arithmetic my son should be learnin’ is that 1 divided by 3 is 1. X don’t equal nothing. It’s a word-maker! I mean, what’s next? Suicide vests in shop class?”

While school officials have vehemently condemned LaPorte’s insidious attempts to indoctrinate her pupils by way of calligraphy and algebra, they have yet to decide what is to become of the teacher, or her career.

They have, however, announced that an intensive anti-terror seminar has been organised for LaPorte’s students. The workshop, which is set to take place over the Christmas break, will be presided over by the school chaplain, who will also be providing one-on-one counsel to those he considers most in need of salvation.

In any case, all is expected to return to normal by the time class resumes in the New Year, with officials maintaining that Riverheads will continue its proud tradition of showing the “fact” of evolution for what it really is: just a theory.