Because statist talking points make for unintentional comedy! A shameless ripoff of "Cyanide and Happiness" updated every Sunday.

Friday, February 19, 2016

#068: Salon

Both Salon and Alternet need to win an award for creativity for being able to regurgitate the exact same talking points in their anti-libertarian screeds while making those articles appear fresh and unique each and every time. If anything, they should at least create a drinking game out of it all!

If you're ever unfortunate enough to read an anti-libertarian screed from Salon or Alternet, grab a bottle of Jack Daniel's (or your own personal choice of booze) and take a shot whenever the article…

• Claims that there has never been any libertarian countries. (But if there were, they would be dystopian hellholes!)
• Claims that Somalia and/or Honduras are libertarian countries. (Even though there have never been any libertarian countries, but if there were, they would be dystopian hellholes like Somalia and/or Honduras.)
• Claims that countries with maximum economic freedom such as Hong Kong and/or Switzerland do not count as libertarian countries. (Because, as previously stated, there have been any libertarian countries, but if there were, they would be dystopian hellholes like Somalia and/or Honduras.)
• Claims that there has never been a true free market. (And argues that free-market capitalism is to blame for our current economic woes, even though there has never been a true free market.)
• Pins the blame for the '08 Recession on free-market capitalism. (Even though there has never been a true free market.)
• Never once mentions the "non-aggression principle. (Instead pulling their own definition of libertarianism straight out of their asses.)
• Ponders who would build the roads if there weren't any government. (Aside from the private contractors that the government already hires and pays to build the roads.)
• Confuses "government" with "society." (Even though, more than 150 years ago, Frederic Bastiat elucidated why these two are completely different.)
• Confuses neoconservatives like Paul Ryan and Ted Cruz as libertarians. (Take two shots if they mention Sarah Palin.)
• Accuses libertarians of believing in "trickle-down economics." (Rather than economic stimulus, where the government subsidies corporations in hopes that the subsidies "trickle down" in the form of jobs and wages, thus "stimulating" the economy.)
• Argues that evil greedy corporations would take over in a libertarian society. (As opposed to our current statist society, which has already been taken over by evil, greedy corporations.)
• Accuses libertarians of being greedy, selfish freeloaders. (Because greedy, selfish freeloaders are interested only spending their own money as opposed to other people's money.)
• Insists that taxes are "investments" or "fees." (As opposed to theft.)
• Regurgitates a feel-good platitude like "we're all in this together", "no man's an island", or "taxes are the fees we pay to live in civilized society." (Because Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya!)
• Claims that libertarians are merely a fringe minority without any real political power. (But apparently, they're the sinister driving force behind the mainstream Republican establishment, and thus everything wrong with the country.)
• Slanders libertarians as being mostly white cis-hetero men who are motivated by racism, sexism, and homophobia. (Because check your privilege, shitlord!)
• Slanders libertarians as "social Darwinists" who believe in "survival of the fittest" and "might makes right." (Because projection! Also there's no such thing as "social Darwinism.")
• Accuse libertarians of being the real authoritarians. (Because, no, no, *stamps feet*, you are!)
• Cites Paul Krugman, Robert Reich, and/or Thomas Piketty as reputable and authoritative sources. (Even though they have as much credibility with economics as Ray Comfort has for evolutionary biology.)
• Mentions Ayn Rand and the Koch Brothers. (Because of course!)

On second thought, just skip the entire drinking game and down the whole bottle of booze. You'll be sure to lose less brain cells that way than by reading anything by Salon!