&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; A man is walking along a beach when he finds a lamp in the sand. He picks it up and starts rubbing it clean when a genie suddenly springs forth from the lamp. The genie says, "I am the Genie of the cursed lamp."
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The man repeats, "Cursed lamp?"
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The genie says, "Yes. I will grant you three wishes. However I will give twice as much to your mother-in-law."
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The man thinks it over asnd says, "For my first two wishes I want a 100 Billion dollars and a huge mansion with a forty car garage full of classics."
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The genie says, "Your wishes are granted. However your mother-in-law now has 200 Billion dollars and two huge mansions with 40 car garages full of classics. What is your third wish?"
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The man answers, "I wish you'd beat me half to death."

__________________
A friend will help you move. A true friend will help you move a body.

Shortly after being created Adam is wandering morosely around Eden muttering under his breath.
God's voice booms down " Whats wrong my son? "
" Well pretty much everything is perfect but I can't help feeling there's something missing" replies Adam.
"Don't worry, it's all under control my son" said God " I'm working on a creation to keep you company. It will be appealing to the eye, sympathetic to your every need, submissive to your authority and eager to satisfy all your, uh, needs but we'll talk about that later. I call this creation Woman. "
" Well" exclaims Adam " That certainly sounds excellent but what's it gonna cost me? "
" Glad you ask son because this little beauty's gonna set you back an arm and a leg"
Adam mulls this over briefly then responds " So what can I get for a rib? "

The two little old ladies, Mrs. Cohen and Mrs. Murphy, had been very long-time close friends. But being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.

Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen. How do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

This old man has his son put him in a retirement home. On his first day there he wakes up with a hard-on. Then a nurse comes in and gives him head. He calls his son and says, "Son, thank you so much for sending me here. I woke up with wood and the nurse gave me a hummer! This is fantastic. I love this place"

Then the next day the old man was walking down the hallway and fell down. An orderly walked up behind him, pulled his pants down and screwed him.

The old man calls his son and says, "Son, you've got to get me out of here. This place is terrible. I fell down today and an orderly screwed me!"

The son tells his father, "Well dad, yesterday you got a blowjob from a hot nurse. You've got to take the good with the bad."

The dad replies, "But son, you don't understand. I only get a hard on a couple of times a month. I fall down everyday!"

__________________"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

T.G.I.F. vs S.H.I.T
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright,"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered,"S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile
and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank
Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

__________________
For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

A Mother and Father take their young son to the circus.
When the elephants appear, the son is intrigued by them, and he turns to his mother and says, "Mom, what's that hanging between the elephant's legs?"
The mother is very embarrassed, and says "Oh, it's nothing son."
So the son turns to his father and asks the same question.
The father replies, "It's the elephant's penis, son."
So the son says, "Why did mom say it was nothing?"
The father draws himself up, and says, "Because I've spoiled that woman, son."

yeah, but given the circumstances and hadn't seen it around lately.......

i think this one will get some good use.....

Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole

Awarded to____________________________________In recognition of your
obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine
juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard
to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others
during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.
To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives
all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts
your status.

A poor bloke has been strande on a deserted island for quite some time when Elle McPherson and her drowned partner's luggage wash ashore.
It's not long before an intimate relationship is established and the pair are deleriously happy despite their isolation from the rest of the world.
One day he approaches her with various items from her ex's luggage and asks her to put them on. She obliges but asks why. He ignores her as he surveys her in the male clothing.
He then takes some soot from the fire and draws a moustache and beard on her.
She, again, questions him but he placates her soothingly and requests she meet him in a romantic spot at sunset.
She is slightly concerned but more curious to see where his sexual appetite is headed so she readily agrees to meet.
She turns up at the appointed time eager for new experiences.
He arrives at the appointed place, right on time, walks straight up to her and says "G'day mate, guess who I'm fucking"

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the New Zealander took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed ,and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the New Zealander had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual.
It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the New Zealander started to get "those feelings " again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously and whispered in her ear..........

While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

__________________
For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

this should be told in the first person, like you're relating a hot news item:

you: hey. did you hear about the (insert local quickie mart name here) robbery yesterday?

them: no....?

you: yeah, it was pretty bizzare. these two guys went in and started trashing the place with golf clubs. They broke every glass jar in the store, all the glass doors, then they went after the clerks and chased them out of the store.

them: really?!

you : yeah,but the clerks got a good look at them. apparently they were dressed as golfers. ya, know, they had those hats with the little pom-pom on top, and the izod shirts...oh, and those pants....they're almost shorts...(as you say this you're making chopping motions down by your knee) what're they called??

them: "knickers"

you: No, they were white guys.

the risk you run here is that the person doesn't answer correctly and says " duh, i dunno" or " bloomers?"