How To Create Intimacy

Conversations with your spouse can easily go down a slippery slope. If you’re willing to dig underground three stories, you’ll find the answer to your question: “How to save my relationship?”

To determine what is at the heart of any upsetting interchange, you can repeat a conversation on three different levels. Here’s an example.

First level:Content triggers something you’re anxious about.

When my husband told me that he bought a CD, I asked him some anxiety-filled questions and he got upset. This interaction was not about the content, i.e. buying a CD.
What was underneath our reactions?

Read the First Level conversation

“Hey, I bought a CD from a cute girl when I was in town. She was really pretty. She was selling her CDs at a booth in front of Pete’s café,” he said.

“Was it sexy?” I asked.

“Why did you ask that?” he replied.

“I thought you were going to tell me that there was something surprising or weird about the CD. How do you know she’s really a singer, or what?” I explained.

“I haven’t even played it yet. You never listen. There you go, assuming and jumping to conclusions. I hate that about you,” he exclaimed.

Second level:Emotions bring you insight.

A few days later we purposefully returned to the same conversation about the CD, and this time we got honest about our emotions. What made me upset? I was feeling insecure. Why did my husband over-react to my questions? He thought I wasn’t listening to him. This step isn’t deep enough down yet to uncover how to save a relationship.

Read the Second Level conversation

“Hey, I bought a CD from a cute girl this morning because I feel pretty horny and you haven’t been too interested in sex while you’ve been running around making all the plans for the graduation. I’m a bit depressed about my job situation, which is turning out to be not what I expected it to be,” he stated.

“Yeah, I haven’t been interested in sex because there’s been too much to do. I’m trying to unwind in my own way. I didn’t mean to demean you because you paid attention to a beautiful woman in the street. I’ve bought stuff from cute guys before, too. I’m just feeling tired right now,” I replied.

Third level:Look inside yourself, not at your partner for the solution.

In another couple of days, we agreed to revisit the loaded topic of the CD again. This time we each took the risk to delve into issues of self worth and believe it or not, we ended up talking about sex. I was feeling overwhelmed by my sense of perfectionism and how that impeded my sexuality. My husband was struggling with how to make sex more meaningful.

Read the Third Level conversation

“I’m feeling lousy about who I am right now. I want you to make me feel better. I know you can’t do that. I’m resisting taking responsibility for my life right now. I want to have sex with you because I love you, not just because I feel needy and empty and I expect you to make me feel good. That way it would be a gift, not a repair,” he said.

“I’m sick of repressing my sexual desires, thinking that they aren’t an integral part of the wholeness of who I am. I want you, but I’m not always sure I want myself. I’d like to take the sexual initiative more, but I’m scared that you’ll reject me. Why do I want everything else to be perfect—the house, the plans—before I feel I can take the time to sexually play? These things will never be in perfect order. You are the most important person in the world to me and even though that sometimes terrifies me, I’m certainly not showing you how much you mean to me by my actions,” I said.

That CD was a catalyst that deepened our relationship.

Intimacy happened only after my husband and I took the risk of talking about our fears. This leap was taken with no guarantees about how these self-revelations were going to be received. All of this could have ended in humiliation or rejection.

When you make the bold move to the Third Level conversation, you get to feel inner strength that you forgot you had. You actually are heroic because you’ve now know how to save your relationship.

If you take an uncomfortable discussion to the third level – from triggered content, to emotional reactivity, to self-confrontation — any banal topic can transform into an intimate communication in marriage. Try this exercise and see how far you dare to go.

Has this format been helpful for one of your marital disagreements?

Leave a comment below. Some of my students have told me that going to these three levels with one argument transformed their relationships – because the first time was the hardest. After that initial one, it got easier and easier.

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My name is Melissa Smith Baker. I am a relationship teacher, author, and speaker. My blogs, newsletters, books, classes, and talks use humor and real-life examples to illustrate the challenges inherent in every long-term relationship. Since 2002 I have helped transform thousands of relationships, including my own. And I can help you, too.

“When you apply the concepts that Melissa presents in an engaging way, they actually work!”
~ Mary Disharoon, MFT