Send me email updates about messages I've received
on the site and the latest news from The CafeMom Team.By signing up, you certify that
you are female and accept the Terms of Service and have read the
Privacy Policy.

Does your dh have a friend you cannot stand?

Mine does and he's here this weekend. This guy starts to party at 10AM and doesn't quit until midnight, listening to loud music, being obnoxious and drinking every expensive bottle of wine in my house. Dh just joins in. Worse, my kids see them. : ( Plus, this guy expects five star dining and wants to eat every meal out. Every time he comes, we're flat broke for a month. And I'm not kidding. Dinner is often over 300 and dh pays it. I have hosted his sorry butt for ten years and the one time we go see him in another state, we STILL pay for his meals out and when he offers us a glass of wine, it's shit. I'm so mad, I'm shaking!

GIRLS, how do you tell your dh that you just cannot have this guy back every year in your home???? They have been pals since grade 1. I am furious that my husband doesn't have the balls to do something about this. Advice? Please. I have to anon on this.

I agree about settling on some ground rules with your husband before the friend comes, and then reminding your husband in private what those ground rules are if he starts to blow them off. I also think some of the problems could be avoided by not having expensive bottles of wine in the house, or at least not where the friend can get access to them. Then if he wants something to drink, just tell him where the nearest liquor store is and don't give him any money. Cook meals as usual and put them on the table, and if he doesn't want to join you for them, he's on his own.

Your situation sounds like it's more about your boundaries & limits.
I can see why you would be frustrated with your husband if he "agrees" with you (about the expensive tab, etc.) and yet "won't" express his limits clearly to his friend.
But that's not something I'd just "expect" him to do, and then go on being furious when he doesn't.
I'd address that (husband's unwillingness to "be the bad guy" or whatever) with my husband.
It really sounds like it's that more than the friend that is the issue.
How do you tell him that you won't have this friend in your home again? You tell him, and you communicate your unwillingness clearly (to him, to the friend, whatever is necessary.)
It doesn't work well to "expect" someone to do something, and get furious when they don't. The resentment you continue to feel in the situation (plenty of reason to dislike those conditions, btw!) is a signal that you're ignoring your own personal limits.

No, he doesn't.
He went to a boarding school & has enduring, close relationships with many classmates, some very different from him in the way they live their lives. He does have some friends I don't particularly "click" with but I feel a lot of love & appreciation for who they are & where they are in life (and why.) They don't put me out or inconvenience me.
There are a couple of sweet guys (brothers) who have many wonderful personal qualities but they're chronic womanizers & one of them is an alcoholic. Still, I know a lot about them & their family of origin and...I feel compassion & understanding.
Another friend was a recovering heroin addict. He could be so judgmental & dismissive of people (and musical artists, lol) and sometimes it could be so frustrating; I just wanted him to get real & not so focused on appearances. But again, so much pain & beauty there. And over the years I saw him emerge more honestly & openly, too.

Nope, we have rules in our house. My husband doesn't get drunk around the kids. If you come to our house and you want to drink alcohol, you must pour it into another container instead of its original container, outside the kids' view. You will not get smashed. If you do drink too much, you will be spending the night (no driving while drunk, PERIOD).

I would just put a limit on the number of days he stays at your home. He can always stay at a hotel nearby. While you are hosting him, he should pitch in for food & beverages. They should also behave themselves in front of the kids. Vacation or not, no one needs to start drinking at 10am

It sounds like your DH is being very passive aggressive. Unless his visits are a surprise, I would sit down with DH BEFORE said friend arrives, and say, "Remember the talks we have had after "John's" visits?" And set some ground rules. Then let him know you will feel very disrespected if he blows off what you both agreed to.

It was on a much smaller scale, if only because the guy had a home within driving distance so I never had to deal with him for more than a few hours at a time, but my ex had a friend who was totally obnoxious. He was an old farmer who believed women--his own wife and daughter and any other female who happened to be within the sound of his voice--ws his to order aroun and expected to wait on him hand and foot. He bawled me out loudly in front of a bunch of people once because I couldn't remember what he liked in his coffee. I fixed his coffee and carried it to him politely--fuming under my breath all the while--and when he left, I told my ex that he could have the friend over when he wanted, but I would go in the other room and not be responsible for any hospitality whatsoever offered to him after that.

Party Gal, thanks for your comment but I disagree. I don't think it's my place to control other people and you can't just kick someone's life long friend out without causing a horrible fracture not only in their relationship but in my marriage. There needs to really be some finesse about handling it (how is that done). I don't think it's as simple as preparing a hot meal and locking the booze closet.

GirlwithC,I have talked to my dh every time and he's always sorry but when the time comes the following year, it's the same shit. I went to boarding school too and I have and understand those friendships. Dh is different.

Hope you are a smart girl about the alcohol. : )

Comment by
Anonymous
(original poster)
at 5:59 PM on Oct. 12, 2013

I have the opposite problem. My DH has a BFF we visit about once a year. (we stay at a hotel) He is the nicest guy you could ever meet. For some reason I find myself saying the most condescending, degrading things to him. After they come out of my mouth I think, wow that was rude, and I feel embarrassed. Just one example, he is very tall, and I was commenting that I wished my son were taller (he is 5'6") I said that being a short man can be a disadvantage in our society. DH friend said, being tall can be a disadvantage too, and I spout, "Actually studies show that tall men have the advantage over short men in our society" Condescending much? He was much too polite to mention how rude that was. I seem to do this every time we are together. I feel like I should appologise to him the next time we see him, and tell him to call me out if I'm being an ass.