Everyone is happy now, thanks to Unitarian Jihad

It was 10 years ago, almost to the month, when these words rang out across the land. They are always touching, but probably more so when they are chanted in unison by 1 million children in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Some call them “the words that saved a nation,” others call them simply “words.” They represent the beginning of the end of the era of Bad Things:

“Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only one God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

“Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism — 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!”

And, faster than anyone could have imagined, it happened. That’s why America is the peaceful and prosperous country we know today. Strife is banished, although playful teasing in an atmosphere of love is still permitted.

The banning of commercial television (except baseball) in 2007 was an important step. The Manifesto’s goals were clear: “Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for ‘balance’ by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.”

Under the leadership of Sister Fighter Jet of Lovingkindness, the Committee to Bury Factionalism signed the so-called Laramie Accords of 2008, in which citizens of all belief systems agreed to mutual respect, unconditional kindness and, of course, the formation of subcommittees.

As part of the accords, the monuments commission agreed to build the Burial Mound of Senseless Argumentation in the plains southwest of Cody, also in Wyoming. The Mound now stretches over 10 kilometers in length (the metric system was adopted in 2011), and is annually surrounded by citizens of every significant demographic group, “significant” defined as “anyone who says they’re significant.”

This event was supposed to happen on April 8, the exact date of the Manifesto’s appearance, but was delayed until Aug. 27 this year after a spirited debate in the Subcommittee for Direct Articles (“the Mound” versus “a Mound”) led to a mandatory cooling-off period with appropriate beverages.

The “mandatory cooling-off period” is not in fact mandatory; it’s more like a suggestion.

In the growing atmosphere of harmony, the Bank Repudiation Act of 2009 and the Anti-Greed Ordinances of 2010 led to a true “sharing economy,” where people just gave you things and you gave them other things in return. That same year, the Militant Revolutionary Government of Undying Discussion passed unanimously the Decriminalization of Sex Proclamation, with the hope that people could just go ahead and feel good — while wearing appropriate protection when desired.

The forces of radical moderation could not be stopped. Political debates now all start with the ritual invocation “I’m not that conversant with the issues; what do you think?”

And so it came to pass that President Sister Hostile Drone of Tolerance was awakened in the Beige House one January morning in 2012 by a piercing blast of noise. Scientists quickly determined that the message came from outer space, and could be translated as “We love you guys.” Some thought it was sign from Optional God, but others took it merely as confirmation.

The Treaty of Titan (2013) provided that the world would live in harmony forever with their galactic underlords. In return, we got Interstellar Warp Drive and the Endless Potato, a food source so complete and common that world hunger was solved in 11 months.

So we, the beneficiaries of these remarkable men and women, spend a moment today to thank them. As is predicted in the Manifesto: “Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.”