i am krispy

A Broken Heart…Not Easily Mended

Loss is something that hits all many times in our lives. That loss can come from relationship breakdowns, separation from family, financial ruin or the unplanned career changes. The worst and personally most difficult to deal with is the loss of a family member.

I have had experience with this type of loss in the past. It has not been easy…it has been painful.

The hardest to deal with though is when it is not a member of your direct family…but when someone you love deeply looses someone, I find it doubly difficult to adapt, cope and deal with all the emotions and turmoil.

Most recently, a great man left us. He had many challenges that in his 7 decades of life he was not able to fully overcome. His actions always spoke volumes for the man he was though and even though part of the legacy that he will leave is memories and challenges, he will be deeply missed.

This great man, while not related to me by blood or by marriage (just 29 days until I could call him my Father In Law) had affected my outlook on life. He brought into this world the woman that I truly, madly and deeply love. Every breath I take now, is for her…but in that is my challenge in dealing with this loss.

Our last visit with him he seemed to be truly at peace, and genuinely happy. We broke bread and shared stories of his recent visit to St. Jacobs and the surrounding area. We got our new Weed Eater up and running (and even left a bit of a mark in the back yard to remind us of that visit)…but it was a really a good and happy time, one that I will remember always.

As much as I hurt inside when it comes to loosing him…I have to build myself up and fortify my resolve to be strong for my partner, his wife and our extended family of three children.

I find myself building walls around the situation. Protecting and insulating myself from the deep heartfelt pain that I feel inside.

I am grieving, but I find myself having to do so on the inside.

My world is crumbling around me…but just as the chaos of life is presenting this new challenge…I am trying to put together the pieces of my shattered life as quickly as I can…just so that those around me can find a sense of order, and peace…even when there is very little order or peace to be found.

I know that there will be a time that I can let all this bottled emotion out…but for now…to be what I need to be as a man, as a father and as a soon to be husband…I need to “soldier on”.

That term though…”soldier on”…I think of all those men and women who face the worst that the world has to offer and some how are able to live a life…even if it is forever altered.

I think now of the Hamilton Police Officers that I met yesterday…who not because they had to, or because it was their job…they were a comfort to this new extended family that I am now a part of. They stood tall and proud in the face of chaos…and supported people that they did not know because of a sense of duty.

As they do, so shall I, but I know that with this piece of my heart forever taken…I will be forever changed. I will make good on the promises that I have made to myself. I will find the solace that comes from doing what is right and making my life and the lives of those around me just a little better. But not because it is my job, but because it is my duty!