(UNITED STATES) — Proud parents, professors, administrators, and indeed the entire nation once again annually gathered at college universities this past week to celebrate an estimated 2.8 million new college graduates heading off from college and into complete hardship, rejection, unimaginable struggle, ass-kissing, thankless smiles, empty promises, trashed resumes, despair, societal ignorance, and brain-oozing disappointment beyond their young minds’ beliefs. …In essence: oblivion; now normal for most college graduates in the U.S.

With the unemployment numbers in the U.S. falling to their lowest levels since 2008 (6.3 percent), but somehow holding its economy down to only a 0.1% growth rate in the first quarter of the 2014, this spring’s college grads can look forward to certainly more available jobs, but still not the jobs they hopefully aspired to when entering higher education four years ago.And according to many students’ parents, such dismal prospects are of little concern, if not something to be celebrated, so long as the jobs they may find keep them from moving back into their homes.

Indeed, as the Obama administration and Vice President Joe Biden boast about the increase in both private and public sector employment throughout the last few months, this spring’s college grads and their parents have no illusions as to what type of jobs that will be most available to them (i.e “Would you like fries with that burger, sir/ma’am?”)

Carol Lemming was excited to watch her daughter, Ashley, 22, walk across the stage to receive her degree at Stanford this past Saturday (even though that her actual degree will be mailed to until Ashley pays off her obscene library late-book fee of $29.00).Mrs. Lemming is “as pleased as punch,” as she puts it, to see her first daughter get her bachelor’s degree in Ancient Transsexual Hieroglyphics, knowing fairly well that Ashley will make applying to those “temp hiring services” a religion come this summer, and no doubt indefinitely.

As most of the country’s parents of college graduates watched them walk the stage this past Saturday, many of those parents wiped away tears of joy at seeing their onetime baby sons and daughters now head out into the real world to be more than likely thoroughly disappointed by what they find, achieve, and discover…besides how much life really sucks now that they are out of college.

Said a sniffling David Lemming, Carol’s father, to reporters last Saturday as his daughter sat among her fellow soon-to-begin-their-overwhelming-process-of-seeing-how-dismal-the-future-21st-Cenntury-America-holds-for-them graduates, “I’m so thankful for this day.Carol and me have been waiting so long to have Ashley walk on stage and take that blank rolled–up piece of paper they give her, which will be worth as much as the real degree they mail to her in time.”

Mr. Lemming said Carol is the last among the Lemmings’ five children they have been lucky enough to see graduate from college in the last eleven years, all but one having to eventually move back home as the American job market went from poor (2002) to “okay” (2005) to “don’t even think about it” (2009) to finally “okay, all ye future burger-flippers and/or strippers” (2010), to “Welcome to Wal Mart!” (2014).

“At least Jimmy, our eldest son, didn’t have to move back home after the tens of thousands of dollars we paid for his degree in English Literature,” said David Lemming, wiping his eyes’ salt-droplets of joy Saturday afternoon.“At least Jimmy took his college degree and put it to good use… He got drunk and got hit by a subway train eight years ago.”

Bright Futures for College Grads in the Loan Payback Industry

“It used to be that college grads stepped out of their universities looking forward to their degrees making money for them,” said Dr. Leon Goethe, 54, of Harvard Universities’ School of Economics, Tuesday.“But now college students can look forward to having their degrees baptize them into the world of owing money –an average of about thirty-thousand a student–, which is a great education in itself as they learn how to owe mortgages, car payments, rent, health insurance, owe people –like that bitch of an ex-wife of mine!– money and the like, all while ending up as anything but what they studied to be in college.It’s a beautiful splash of reality, if you think about it.Eerily poetic, really.”

Silvia Nevarez agrees with Dr. Goethe, and could not have been happier to see her younger sister, Mary, graduate from Northwestern University in Chicago.A tearful Nevarez, 29, watched her sister receive her degree Saturday along with her parents, Paul and Angela Nevarez.Considering that the Nevarezs’ paid about $78,000 for Silvia’s 4-year-degree in chemistry in 2007 and nearly $109,000 for her sister’s tuition throughout the last four years, Silvia knew exactly where to go work:Sallie Mae.

“With all the debt my parents and me were left with after college, I knew exactly where to stick that chemistry degree and what to really do after college.I went into student loan collection.I mean, what was I going to be, another lowly chemist destined to become some disrespected teacher at a high school somewhere?I could have been the next ‘Walter White’ for God’s sake, but only a female.”

Silvia’s parents agree.Unlike when the Cuban-born parents of Silvia and Mary graduated from college in 1977, what they studied and their degrees cost a fraction of what they paid for their two daughters in contemporary America, and were actually sought after by employers (Paul’s degree was in computer science; Angela’s was in nursing).

“We escaped from Cuba for a better future, and now look at us,” said a triumphant Paul Nevarez to Duh Progressive, Tuesday. “ We’re now a typical middle class American family, living the dream of paying for children’s’ educations we can’t afford and then heartbroken to see them struggle to pay back with us…that is unless Mary doesn’t decide to get into pole-dancing at some topless club.But if she does, it will be unfortunate but tolerable –just as long as our expenses for her education weren’t made in vain.”

Mr. Nevarez added that he couldn’t be more pleased to have spent almost nearly $200,000 to have his daughters living back home with them for the next indefinite years.“How could I not (let my daughter stay at home with us)?” said Paul Nevarez, wiping his eyes with joy last Saturday.“How else is (Mary) going to discover the complete shame we paid for all this growingly needless education in such a globally competitive market? Now this is what is so touching about all this!…It’s so beautiful to see such a great institution as modern American higher education become such a pointless sham…!I’m sorry, I’m just too heart-stricken to continue this discussion.It’s just so beautiful!”

(UNITED STATES) — Proud parents, professors, administrators, and indeed the entire nation once again annually gathered at college universities this past week to celebrate an estimated 2.8 million new college graduates heading off from college and into complete hardship, rejection, unimaginable struggle, ass-kissing, thankless smiles, empty promises, trashed resumes, despair, societal ignorance, and brain-oozing disappointment beyond their young minds’ beliefs. …In essence: oblivion; now normal for most college graduates in the U.S.

With the unemployment numbers in the U.S. falling to their lowest levels since 2008 (6.3 percent), but somehow holding its economy down to only a 0.1% growth rate in the first quarter of the 2014, this spring’s college grads can look forward to certainly more available jobs, but still not the jobs they hopefully aspired to when entering higher education four years ago.And according to many students’ parents, such dismal prospects are of little concern, if not something to be celebrated, so long as the jobs they may find keep them from moving back into their homes.

Indeed, as the Obama administration and Vice President Joe Biden boast about the increase in both private and public sector employment throughout the last few months, this spring’s college grads and their parents have no illusions as to what type of jobs that will be most available to them (i.e “Would you like fries with that burger, sir/ma’am?”)

Carol Lemming was excited to watch her daughter, Ashley, 22, walk across the stage to receive her degree at Stanford this past Saturday (even though that her actual degree will be mailed to until Ashley pays off her obscene library late-book fee of $29.00).Mrs. Lemming is “as pleased as punch,” as she puts it, to see her first daughter get her bachelor’s degree in Ancient Transsexual Hieroglyphics, knowing fairly well that Ashley will make applying to those “temp hiring services” a religion come this summer, and no doubt indefinitely.

As most of the country’s parents of college graduates watched them walk the stage this past Saturday, many of those parents wiped away tears of joy at seeing their onetime baby sons and daughters now head out into the real world to be more than likely thoroughly disappointed by what they find, achieve, and discover…besides how much life really sucks now that they are out of college.

Said a sniffling David Lemming, Carol’s father, to reporters last Saturday as his daughter sat among her fellow soon-to-begin-their-overwhelming-process-of-seeing-how-dismal-the-future-21st-Cenntury-America-holds-for-them graduates, “I’m so thankful for this day.Carol and me have been waiting so long to have Ashley walk on stage and take that blank rolled–up piece of paper they give her, which will be worth as much as the real degree they mail to her in time.”

Mr. Lemming said Carol is the last among the Lemmings’ five children they have been lucky enough to see graduate from college in the last eleven years, all but one having to eventually move back home as the American job market went from poor (2002) to “okay” (2005) to “don’t even think about it” (2009) to finally “okay, all ye future burger-flippers and/or strippers” (2010), to “Welcome to Wal Mart!” (2014).

“At least Jimmy, our eldest son, didn’t have to move back home after the tens of thousands of dollars we paid for his degree in English Literature,” said David Lemming, wiping his eyes’ salt-droplets of joy Saturday afternoon.“At least Jimmy took his college degree and put it to good use… He got drunk and got hit by a subway train eight years ago.”

Bright Futures for College Grads in the Loan Payback Industry

“It used to be that college grads stepped out of their universities looking forward to their degrees making money for them,” said Dr. Leon Goethe, 54, of Harvard Universities’ School of Economics, Tuesday.“But now college students can look forward to having their degrees baptize them into the world of owing money –an average of about thirty-thousand a student–, which is a great education in itself as they learn how to owe mortgages, car payments, rent, health insurance, owe people –like that bitch of an ex-wife of mine!– money and the like, all while ending up as anything but what they studied to be in college.It’s a beautiful splash of reality, if you think about it.Eerily poetic, really.”

Silvia Nevarez agrees with Dr. Goethe, and could not have been happier to see her younger sister, Mary, graduate from Northwestern University in Chicago.A tearful Nevarez, 29, watched her sister receive her degree Saturday along with her parents, Paul and Angela Nevarez.Considering that the Nevarezs’ paid about $78,000 for Silvia’s 4-year-degree in chemistry in 2007 and nearly $109,000 for her sister’s tuition throughout the last four years, Silvia knew exactly where to go work:Sallie Mae.

“With all the debt my parents and me were left with after college, I knew exactly where to stick that chemistry degree and what to really do after college.I went into student loan collection.I mean, what was I going to be, another lowly chemist destined to become some disrespected teacher at a high school somewhere?I could have been the next ‘Walter White’ for God’s sake, but only a female.”

Silvia’s parents agree.Unlike when the Cuban-born parents of Silvia and Mary graduated from college in 1977, what they studied and their degrees cost a fraction of what they paid for their two daughters in contemporary America, and were actually sought after by employers (Paul’s degree was in computer science; Angela’s was in nursing).

“We escaped from Cuba for a better future, and now look at us,” said a triumphant Paul Nevarez to Duh Progressive, Tuesday. “ We’re now a typical middle class American family, living the dream of paying for children’s’ educations we can’t afford and then heartbroken to see them struggle to pay back with us…that is unless Mary doesn’t decide to get into pole-dancing at some topless club.But if she does, it will be unfortunate but tolerable –just as long as our expenses for her education weren’t made in vain.”

Mr. Nevarez added that he couldn’t be more pleased to have spent almost nearly $200,000 to have his daughters living back home with them for the next indefinite years.“How could I not (let my daughter stay at home with us)?” said Paul Nevarez, wiping his eyes with joy last Saturday.“How else is (Mary) going to discover the complete shame we paid for all this growingly needless education in such a globally competitive market? Now this is what is so touching about all this!…It’s so beautiful to see such a great institution as modern American higher education become such a pointless sham…!I’m sorry, I’m just too heart-stricken to continue this discussion.It’s just so beautiful!”

About DuhProgressive

If you've ever read The Onion, you can guess what we're about. Take the snarkiness of a liberal and put it in the body of a conservative, and wha-la, you have Duh Progressive! Impressed by the immense power of contemporary satire, Duh Progressive's creator seeks a politically charged, Right-leaning Onion, aimed at the more urban and college educated conservative (yes, all 5 of us!). The struggle between Left and Right can become grueling, tedious, and heated at times, and Duh Progressive seeks to break some of the tension through a humorous perspective.

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