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NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

"I can't say how many people listen regularly, but I bet it's a lot for a college station," said Haley, 22, who has used the moniker DJ Hale Storm since he started hosting the show in December 2001. "When I hit the mic, I'd say at least a thousand people tune in on average. We've never done any kind of survey, so I don't have the exact figures. A thousand is a guesstimate. For all I know, it could be way more."

Haley said his fans are drawn to his eclectic music choices, which set him apart from other DJs at the low-wattage station.

"I'm always mixing it up," Haley said. "In my opinion, the other guys here cling to their niche too much. Like, Scott [Schefter] always plays a lot of psychobilly, and Tim [Arbus] plays a ton of emo. But with me, you never know what you're gonna get. I might play something like the new Sigur Rós, then turn around and play something off the new Oxes record. Or maybe even Lovecup's 'Hi Pazoo,' which is one of the best songs from the mid-'90s Champaign scene. I challenge my audience, and that's why people respond to my show. My success should prove to other radio stations that people don't want to be spoon-fed their music."

Though "Rock Blossom" is heard mainly by his girlfriend and a handful of friends who request songs while they get stoned, Haley said his show is distinctive because of his personality.

"I hate boring, robotic Top 40 DJs who never go off the script," Haley said. "Me, I like to mention concerts that are coming to town. Or sometimes, I'll tell people a personal anecdote about a song or just share what's going through my head. That's the kind of stuff you don't get listening to some corporate behemoth."

Another quality that sets Haley apart is his encyclopedic knowledge of underground music.

Haley waits for the phone lines to light up with song requests.

"A lot of DJs think that if they know Rocket From The Crypt or Burning Airlines, they're up on the alt-rock scene–whatever that is," Haley said. "I was the one who introduced Black Dice, The Mink Lungs, and The (International) Noise Conspiracy to the people of the Charleston metro area, so it's understandable why my show would be bigger than [fellow WEIU DJ] Eric [Poppel]'s."

Though over the last two years he has received only one phone call from a woman–a drunken sorority sister asking him to play a song from the Grease soundtrack–Haley said he has a large female following.

"I like to play a lot of female-friendly stuff, like Shannon Wright and Girls Against Boys," Haley said. "So that's definitely a part of it. I think what the ladies like most, though, is my voice. I've been told by a few women that I've got a good radio voice, sometimes by women who didn't even know I had a radio show."

Discussing his nonexistent fans, Haley said he believes they like the fact that he keeps his show lighthearted.

"Most of the other DJs around here take music so seriously," Haley said. "What they don't get is that music expresses the full range of human emotions, and that laughter is part of that range. That's why if I play something like June Panic or Songs:Ohia, I might lighten things up with a King Missile song or maybe even something by Hayseed Dixie, this funny bluegrass AC/DC cover band. It keeps things from getting too heavy. I'm sure my listeners appreciate that."

Eager to stay on top of the music scene, Haley attends as many shows a week as he can. Being a regular on the local concert scene also enables him to show his fans that he's "just a normal guy."

"If I don't go to shows, I lose touch with what people like," Haley said. "You can't just exist in an ivory tower, like a lot of DJs do. Plus, I like to tell people on the air which bands I'm going to be checking out that weekend. I want my listeners to know that I may be a DJ, but I'm a fan first."

As a graduating senior, Haley expressed sadness about the impending end of his show, abandoning what he imagines are hundreds of ardent listeners.

"I'm sure a lot of people returning next year will miss 'Rock Blossom,' but life must go on," Haley said. "I've never regretted doing a show, even though it meant missing some cool parties. In the end, it was worth it. My music was the soundtrack to a lot of people's college years, which makes me feel really good. And if nothing else, I've exposed the people of Charleston to the music of NoMeansNo. How many people can claim that?"