Four Loko Gets Even Lamer, Agrees To Stop Marketing To Underage College Students

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The most important aspect of marketing anything to anyone is knowledge of who your audience is. Take me, for example. I tailor my jokes to my audience. I know that a joke about the little fart dudes sometimes let out when they’re peeing into a urinal is much better suited for a TFM column than for the eulogy at my grandfather’s funeral (I had to learn that lesson the hard way). Four Loko, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to have a firm grasp of who exactly purchases its product.

This week, Four Loko’s parent company, Phusion, announced it reached an agreement with 20 state attorneys general to scale back its marketing and prevent itself from ever adding caffeine to the alcoholic drinks

Four Loko, which removed all caffeine from its polarizing beverage in early 2011, decided to make this move permanent, as it will ban caffeine from its cans for good. This comes as huge news to that one friend of yours who thinks he is really cool because he still has a few cans of original Four Loko stashed away in his underwear drawer “for when the time is right.” To the rest of us, it means nothing. I assumed it was already gone for good, and that Four Loko was already pretty lame. But then, this:

The attorneys general accused the makers of marketing the drink to minors, especially at college, and hiring models under 21 to promote their booze.

Phusion denies those charges, but nevertheless agreed to never market the drink on college campuses except at licensed retailers, and to not hire models under the age of 25 or who “appear to be” under the age of 21 to advertise the product.

You’re really shooting yourself in the foot here, Phusion. Your product is already pretty shitty, but now you can’t hire any girls under the age of 25 or who even look like they’re under the age of 21? We’re in college. I might just be speaking for myself here, but the only age groups I find attractive are the 19 to 23 group because they’re my peers, the 38 to 54 group because MILFs, and the 78 and up group for obvious reasons. Unless you plan to hire some cougars or a hot granny, I don’t see your marketing campaign gaining much traction.

Phusion, the only thing Loko about your product is how shitty it’s become in the last Four years. (Actually it’s been, like, three years and three months, but I needed to take some liberty for that shitty joke to work, so whatever).

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a writer and content manager for Total Frat Move and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin. He has been called the "Patron Saint of Butt Stuff" despite never having engaged in sexual activity of any nature until he turned 21, which he is still convinced is the minimum age at which you can legally have sex.