Tag Archives: rant

So I have a bit of a bone to pick. I have seen a rash of “woe is me” posts lately. And, admittedly, I am probably not the most sympathetic person when it comes to privileged people whining about how rough they have it. And I am particularly unsympathetic when young and conventionally attractive women whine about how hard it is being a cis, white, attractive, young woman. I mean don’t you know their life is JUST SO HARD! Well I have had a rough few weeks. So my normally sparse sympathy is currently nonexistent. Yes, yes… I know that cis, white, conventionally attractive young people do have the same basic capacity to have problems just like all other people do. But really… cry me a fucking river.

So you are the poor, poor girl that everyone wants to play with. It’s just terrible that you have access to so much play. Yes, I hear you that you want love with your play. Frankly, so do I. I think a lot of people do. That isn’t where you lost me. I was already lost when you were whining about something that so very many people don’t have access to at all. With loving partners or not. People who would love to be able to play, but simply don’t have anyone willing to play with them. People who don’t fit the conventional standards of beauty. People who are differently abled. Trans people dealing with ridiculous prejudice. These people also deserve loving people to play with. The main difference is that they don’t always have the opportunity to even turn people down for play a lot of the time. So yeah. I get that you are unhappy you pretty, young, white, cis woman who already has a daddy. You poor thing. I just feel for you that one loving partner to play with isn’t enough for you. And you had to let the internet know how rough it is to be so pretty that everyone wants you. Yes. Isn’t it horrible for you…

And you too, poor girl too cute to be taken seriously. I feel for your terrible plight. Being young and pretty is just horrible. I mean, all the answers to the thread basically said that being young and cute is a good thing. But we all know how hard it is.

In short. If you are an able bodied, cis, young, white woman… please stop complaining about your partner-finding issues. Everyone has a rough time finding compatible partners. And you are actually quite privileged. Just try to imagine not having nearly as many options. Like if you were an elderly, differently abled, trans person of color seeking play partners. Think about that for a minute.

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Caveats: I speak from my own place of privilege as someone with two compatible partners. And I fully accept that just because one is privileged in one area, they could be disadvantaged in other areas. I also do think it sucks when people in general are seeking connection and can’t find it, no matter their circumstances/privileges.

The takate kote is not the only way to tie someone up. There are plenty of other ways to tie someone up. You don’t have to put the arms behind the back. In fact, you don’t even have to tie the arms up at all. I promise, nobody will take away your Official Shibari Master Club card. And really, if you are all so concerned about the dreaded nerve damage and the even more dreaded wrist drop…

Maybe you should do a different fucking tie.

Seriously. I am sick of hearing the “woe is me” whining from rope bottoms bemoaning how they have to sacrifice their body for their art. Newsflash, you don’t have to. I’m even more sick of hearing the self-congratulatory blatherings of rope tops about how they have tied up someone, that someone got nerve damage, and the top is doing the right thing by admitting it happened. Congratulations for being a decent human.

Now you can all keep whining about nerve damage and the dangerous dangers of your dangerous shibari…

So there is yet another thread on Fetlife about why it’s ok (or, in this case, hot) to cheat. The thread was started by a woman who thinks it’s just so hot to be with a guy who is cheating on his partner. That is the entirety of the original post. And most of the people in the group were not supportive of this idea. But, of course, there were also those who defended cheating. Because reasons. So many reasons. Reasons, people!

I will begin by saying that I’m no angel. I have made mistakes and bad decisions in my life. Because I’m human, and therefore imperfect. When I was beginning to navigate the world of dating, I cheated on my boyfriend. I knew what I was doing was outside the parameters of our agreed upon relationship. I did it anyhow. Because I wanted to. I was an asshole. After that, I decided that it was a bad idea and that I’d been an asshole. I determined that wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I decided not to do it again. So I know what I’m talking about.

I didn’t discover the world of BDSM until I was an adult in a vanilla marriage. It hit me like a sledge hammer. It was overwhelming. It was hot. It woke things in me that I didn’t even know existed. It is a story I’ve heard repeatedly on Fetlife. Really. Over and over and over and over in ad infinitum. So it isn’t even an original story.

So what did I do. I thought about it. With the head on my shoulders. I did my best not to let the newness and the hotness turn me into that asshole again. I had a husband. And I felt that if I cared enough about him to marry him, I cared enough about him to let him in on my newfound discovery. Was it frightening? Of course. Was it risky? Fucking yes it was! I was putting my entire relationship at risk. And I still did it. Because it was the right fucking thing to do!

So when I say to the people who can’t be bothered to inform their partners about their interest in kink that I think they are being a selfish asshole, I fucking know what I’m talking about.

There were several people in the thread who gave some excuses about why they were cheating (or looking to cheat) on their partner. Here are a few of them, and a brief deconstruction of why I think they are total bullshit.

Well I talked to my spouse about it, but s/he isn’t interested.

I commend you for talking to your spouse. It’s a difficult and frightening conversation to have. However, having the conversation doesn’t absolve your agreements and responsibilities to your partner. Just because not everyone is kinky is not a decent excuse to cheat on your partner. Yes, it’s the reason you are giving. But what you are really saying is that you want to be the selfish asshole who wants to have your cake and eat it too. That your need for kink is greater than your need to continue to be honest with the person you say you love and care for. That, my friends, is being a selfish asshole. And it brings your word into question.

My partner is physically/mentally ill and I cannot hurt hir further by bringing up getting my kink on with outside sources.

This one is my favorite. Because it seems so loving and giving doesn’t it? The loving partner who can’t bear to hurt hir partner. The loving partner who wants to support hir ailing partner… By lying to that ailing partner. By actually putting the need for kink above the need for being honest and honoring the agreements made with the ailing partner. Because that is what is actually going on. If leaving someone isn’t an option, there always exists the option to put BDSM on the back burner for a while. I have been there and done that. So I don’t believe in your supposed altruism for one short second. You are lying to your partner and you are lying to yourself if you think that you are not being selfish.

Well I couldn’t find a kink relationship/didn’t know there was such a thing as kink relationships/lived in an area where there was no access to kink, so I married vanilla and now I don’t want to hurt the love of my life.

So basically what you are saying here is that you think so little of your partner… who is the love of your life, your bestie, that you think they would not even make an attempt to understand your needs. This amazing person who is your partner is so without empathy that s/he would rather simply leave you than attempt to reach some agreement where you could both be happy. I think that is a horrid thing to say about your partner. If your partner really is like that, perhaps you would actually be better off without hir. And by the way, you are still basically saying that you are being a selfish asshole who wants to have hir cake and eat it too, without regard for the feelings of that love of your life.

I made a vow to stick with my husband/wife forever, so I could never actually leave hir.

Another favorite! So what you are saying here is that some vows are worth keeping. But others can be tossed out. Because there is always the option to put the kink back in the closet or to leave and find someone more compatible. But wait! Leave? Unthinkable! The vow not to leave? MUST BE HONORED!!!11!! The vow of fidelity? Well that one doesn’t really count. The vow to honor your partner? That one is only a suggestion. The vow to be honest? Well did we really mean that one? So, in short, this is another case of being selfish and lying to yourself about your supposedly noble intent.

So basically what I’m saying is that I get it. Adult relationships are complicated and often challenging. And sometimes we royally fuck them up. But the least we can do is respect ourselves and our partners. And admit when we have been selfish assholes. And to not try to justify it away when we have been (or are about to be) a selfish asshole. Admit it. And don’t fucking do it again.

What the actual fuck? Why do I find out by logging on to Fetlife that you have changed your role from submissive to unsure & are possibly going to a party in another state… when you are not allowed to go to parties without me? This is why we can’t have nice things.* Please stop your passive aggressive bullshit forthwith.

Sincerely,

Your rather pissed off and confused wife/Dominant

*You wonder why I feel more easy in my D/s relationship with the Wild Thing? Why I have him doing things you want to do with me? Because of things like this. First A, then B, then C, and on and on. If I can’t get B then I can’t ask for C. You know this about me. I don’t know why you are so shocked that my D/s relationship with the Wild Thing is progressing more quickly than ours has in over a decade.

Please stop cleaning your leather toys with products not meant for leather. First, they are not meant for leather. This means they are going to be damaging your leather. Second, they are not meant to clean the things you’re trying to get rid of. Spraying your flogger with a countertop cleaner is not going to get rid of HIV if you have gotten HIV infected blood on your flogger. Your floor cleaner will not kill the hep c you have gotten on your leather paddle. And if you are playing someone that has the flu, I think you might have bigger problems than getting the virus off of your leather toys. Really. Just stop it.

Here’s a compromise for those of you who really feel you must clean your leather toys. If you’ll quit looking at me like I’m singlehandedly responsible for spreading blood borne pathogens throughout the kink community, I’ll quit looking at you like you’re an idiot.

Unrelated.

I understand that everyone has different comfort levels about their kinks. But please stop with the hand wringing and teeth gnashing about violating the consent of vanilla people by “showing your kinks in public.” So does someone at a kink party need to get the consent of everyone there before starting a scene? What if I don’t want to see your clown beating a furry scene because I’m terrified of clowns? Or furries? I didn’t consent to accidentally seeing that! You are now a consent violater! Because you didn’t get the consent of… someone not actually in your scene.

Sure, it’s not exactly the best thing ever if one were to tie up one’s bottom in the local grocery mart and start fucking hir mouth. But you know what’s the “not right” part in that? Hint: it isn’t the kink part. It’s the sex part. I know I know… won’t someone please think of the children!!! You know what also used to be completely unacceptable public behavior? Women wearing pants. Same sex partners. Partners of different ethnicities. Showing your ankles. Holding hands.

Somehow we have, as a culture, gotten the fuck over these horrid and scandalous visions. I hope that in time, seeing someone in a corset or wearing a collar or someone in a corset walking someone in a collar on a leash will hold the same scandal as seeing a woman’s ankles. And really, the people who seem the most scandalized by this sort of thing are the kinky ones. The vanilla ones mostly seem to think it’s funny if they even think anything about it at all.

But what does that really mean? It’s been a bit like porn to me. The United States Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart once said about pornography, “I know it when I see it.” That is how I’ve felt about dominant vs. domineering. I have a hard time defining it in concrete terms, but I know it when I see it. And I saw it.

Once I saw it, it actually became a lot easier to define. What I saw in the domineering person was a sense of expectation and entitlement. The expectation that s/he will get whatever hir desire is. Whatever s/he wants whenever s/he wants it. The expectation that all people will do hir bidding. Even people who haven’t negotiated things with hir.

As a dominant, I have the expectation that certain people will do what I want and work to make my desires happen. However, I only expect that of the people I have negotiated that arrangement with. I expect to hold zero sway over anyone else. Nor do I expect anyone else to cater to my whims and desires. Domineering people (or at least the domineering person I ran across) do.

I also would not assume that anyone would have the least desire to cater to my whims. Do what I ask (or tell) them to. If I were to tell a stranger to change his shirt because I didn’t like the look of it, I would be unsurprised if he laughed in my face. I would not even expect a friend to change their wardrobe because I didn’t like it. The domineering person seemed to be genuinely shocked when people didn’t want to cater to hir needs. Didn’t want to change plans or opinions to suit hir. It never seemed to occur to hir that other people really are not living their lives thinking of what might make hir life easier. S/he seemed to be blissfully unaware that s/he isn’t entitled to have hir way all the time.

Why would someone automatically expect that their friend would cancel plans for a last minute invitation to lunch? How can that be someone’s first thought in this scenario? Even a friend is not going to cancel lunch with a loved one 10 minutes ahead of the date. That would be extremely rude except in the case of an emergency. So why would anyone jump to this conclusion? Entitlement. Thinking s/he is more important in someone’s life than their own child.

This, to me, is how domineering people live. They order people about and make assumptions based on a sense of false expectations and clueless entitlement.

1. a person who is the property of and wholly subject to another; a bond servant

2. a person entirely under the domination of some influence or person

3. a drudge “a housekeeping slave”

Note that in the above official definition from the dictionary, the slave is entirely and wholly under the authority of someone (something) else. Entirely. Wholly. Not occasionally. Not somewhat. Not on a few things, but not on others. Not even on most things. Not even most of the time. Entirely. Wholly.