Top 6 US Air Guitar Tips from Dirty Airy

The following is a guest post from Dirty Airy (Aron Carlton), host/promoter of the 2013 Santa Cruz US Air Guitar Qualifier, which is tomorrow night Wednesday, July 24 atThe Blue Lagoon:

To all contestants:

This letter is to congratulate you on your decision to enter the 2013 Santa Cruz Regional Air Guitar Qualifier. Competitive air guitar has been a world wide phenomenon since 1996, and you contestants now join the ranks of air guitarists such as C-Diddy, Hot Lixx Hulahan, and Nordic Thunder, all of whom have represented the United States in Oulu, Finland and brought home the Gold. Is the next world champion of air guitar among you?

Before the competition begins, this host would like to send out some advice to the event’s talent.

1: Please keep in mind that this is not as easy as it looks. It is HIGHLY RECOMMENDED that you record footage of yourself practicing and watch it. The average air guitarist encounters a rude awakening when realizing that the crowd in the real world did not enjoy a performance as much as the crowd in their imagination. Studying footage of yourself will greatly reduce the chances of this happening.

2: Being drunk for your performance may help to curb the common phenomenon of stage fright. However, being TOO drunk may result in your falling off the stage and breaking your face. Attempt moderation prior to your performance to avoid this. If you are allergic to alcohol, by all means avoid consumption and ask your friendly host to slap you in the face. This will prove a viable substitute to inebriation.

3: Performers need the crowd’s help. Bring your friends, and instruct them to chant your name, start a mosh pit, and throw their panties at you while you are on stage. Make like Joe Cocker, and get by with a little help from your friends.

4: Should any contestant feel the need to get friendly (or heated) with the judges, let me remind you that while one of them is a burlesque dancer, the other two consist of a grizzled tow truck driver and a hardcore musician with hardcore tendencies. These judges should be considered above reproach and immune to bribery. Should you not agree with their scores, refer to the above (#1) piece of advice.

5: Have fun. The line between serious, and just for fun can get blurry in an air guitar competition. If a performer can strive to be as entertaining as possible without second-guessing themselves, their routine will show it. No one likes watching a stiff (<--except this one. - ed.), so stay loose.

6: SECRET HINT: Since two competitors will be representing Santa Cruz, there will be an “endurance round” to decide the second entry into the San Francisco Western Semifinals on August 3. The track will be longer than the usual 1 minute. Two competitors will play the same song at the same time, and the winner will be decided by the crowd.

Any and all who have competed in this world of air guitar will tell you that their lives took a turn for the strange when they played an invisible guitar in front of a real crowd. This writer once had a girl lick his arm pit while backstage after a performance. Be ready for the change. No song will be listened to purely for enjoyment anymore. Instead, you will begin sizing up any and all tracks for air guitar possibilities. Explaining your obsession to new people will become a task, so try and have YouTube footage of yourself ready. It helps to show your sincerity when you say, “Yeah, I’m a professional air guitarist.”

If you have received this message by mistake, we encourage you to enter our competition and do your part to promote world peace. Just don’t expect to live it down.