The song will always be connected with my first heartbreak. I remember how significant the days were, when suddenly I was thrown into a situation that I cannot control. There was a thrill and at the same time a confusion. The feelings must have been an infatuation. But regardless, I am still glad to know that I am still a human being, capable of loving and to be loved.

It was a journey that seems to be trodding along the unchartered. The mysteries of love might have been so magnetic that I tend to forget the reality. Suddenly, I am mesmerized by its magic. Entangled beneath its charm. And I find myself lost and bewildered by the bigness of my heart to take all in the complexities of my first love.

There is a song that totally embodies my first love. It is the Diary written by David Gates of the Bread. It is about the innocence of love among young people. It is how I described the friendship that has grown into a fragiled love’s intensity. In my mind, I am seeing this event as an act of eternity being shared by two people. Being nurtured on its first instance.

But the hardest would be is not to be reciprocated of that love. I freely gave it. I did not expect in return. But inside of me, I have cried as if the lifetime is shattered. Lost in space. The dream that keep playing in my mind will just be a beautiful memory. Did I ever regret? Regretting that I am the outsider to a relationship that will not belong to me, after all.

Regretting that the girl I love loves somebody else. And when I have the chance to see him, I am so downtrodden that even an inch I cannot fight a good fight. I am no match. How I am bleeding inside. Yes, I have felt that the lifeblood that keeps me moving along this crowd has been taken away to waste. I have let them take that away from me. And I am being overwhelmed.

And the simple agony that was. Pity me. My poor heart will always be wishing that me and the girl would be joined someday. Maybe in another lifetime. Not on this lifetime.

I could go on narrating down how my love then is worth trying. But now, it will always be like a diary that I will keep along all the days of my life.

Hames

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Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher

The Book

Clay Jensen returns home from school to find a mysterious box with his name on it lying on his porch. Inside he discovers cassette tapes recorded by Hannah Baker—his classmate and crush—who committed suicide two weeks earlier.
On tape, Hannah explains that there are thirteen reasons why she decided to end her life. Clay is one of them. If he listens, he’ll find out how he made the list.