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30 April 2005

i dunno if its the hairdo (or lack of it) or something else but i feel like i got my groove back! i never thought it would recover this fast after my great unexpected emotional fallout but now, everything seems ok. i got my ballgame back, i can shoot the ball from trey again and hit it on a regular basis (i'm not being cocky, just being confident). then suddenly i find myself not wasting my thoughts on u-know-who anymore. i'm not saying im completely over her, i'm just saying that i'm now on the road of emotional repair, not like a few weeks ago where i'm somewhere in the middle of denial and acceptance. damn! it feels good to be back!

29 April 2005

most of the time, i find wisdom and inspiration in unexpected places. i can't sleep last night, my mind was consumed by random thoughts. i suddenly remembered a conversation with someone as i told her "true love, if it's really true, doesn't need an answer." you would think that i got this line from a movie or a telenovela. try a show on nickelodeon, "pete and pete".

the show is a weird comedy about two brothers both named pete, but somehow in the 30 minute show, no one seems to get confused. i remember exactly one episode where there was a payphone in the middle of a deserted parking lot. the phone kept on ringing and ringing and drove everyone in town crazy. no one had the guts to answer the phone because legend has it that the phone is cursed and anyone who answers the phone is in deep trouble. the people in town tried to call the phone company. the telephone company sent a technician who can't do anything about the ringing. the older pete volunteered to help those who were driven crazy by the endless ringing sound and served as a 24-hour operator of the "ringing phone" hotline. the younger pete on the other hand had greater things in mind. he, together with his personal superhero "arnie" went fearlessly to the payphone. after having the hardest time the younger pete found himself by his lonesome as he arrived to the scene. everyone watched from a distance as he answered the ringing phone. suddenly, it became quiet all over town, everyone was back to normal. and the phone call? it turned out to be for pete's mom. he called his mom and she talked on the phone, privately. everyone was wondering who was on the the other line? and suddenly it became clear that the call came from the phone technician. say what? as it turned out, pete's mom and the technician were former classmates in middle school and the guy was in love with the mom. he tried to call her a few times but no one seemed to answer his calls, until now. then a voice over was heard "true love, if it's really true, doesn't need an answer..."

28 April 2005

is it 2002 all over again? i have a shaved head, i'm playing ball everyday, i stay up late every night... deja vu. i was thinking, i kinda like the way things were back in 2002. not much to worry about, just thinking of what new thing to do the next day. hopefully history will repeat itself coz back in 2002 i wasn't lonely at all.

27 April 2005

i remember it was this time last year, summer vacation, when i tried to shave my head. i never did coz my hair was already long and i kinda think its a waste if i cut it all off. i had a shaved head a few years ago and for two years i shave my head using a crappy but functional clipper i bought from my aunt. the nice thing about having no hair is that you can just get up out of bed and just go on with the rest of the day. it saves time since it skips the 5-15 minutes i spend on fixing up my hair. now i'm back! don't get the wrong impression, i didn't do this just to get my mind off of things. when i decided to cut my f4-like hair a month ago, that was due to depression, but this time its just for me. and also for some of my friends who have been requesting for my shiny head for a couple of years now, they hated my long hair and preferred myself shaved.

25 April 2005

on with the matters of the heart... when is it right to fall for the one who loves you? when you're down? when you're lonely? i say, it's never right! or is it? i was always intimidated by the girls i like. the thing that's always holding me back is my lack of confidence. my lack of confidence a.k.a. "katorpehan" is my greatest obstacle yet. and because of this cancer, i always wind up entertaining people who like me, girls making hints. and in the process i end up liking the person, some of them at least. that's why i'm vulnerable to pseudo-relationships. relationships where you don't even know if it's worth calling a relationship. pretty confusing time. but someday i'll get it right...

24 April 2005

I was watching Matrix Revolutions earlier, and somehow i remembered how disappointed i am the first time i watched the trilogy. The first matrix was great. The sequels Reloaded and Revolutions i think crossed the line. cinematography and quality-wise, the movie was great. but i just can't help but criticize the story. the first matrix makes you think because it can really happen, the concept was possible. the sequels made neo invincible even in the real world. it was crazy enough that he can fly within the matrix, i'll give him that, after all, all he sees in the matrix are just codes, but to be able to destroy sentinels was a little bit too far for me. i also remember the architect saying that neo is the 6th "one." what happened to the the first 5? why didn't they do the same thing neo did? aren't they all the same? is it only neo that has he ability to destroy the machines by mere thought?

23 April 2005

If there's any weakness in my armor, it would be saying no to someone in need. i can't say no to someone who asks for help or someone who asks for favors outfront or implied. i just finished a one on one colt45 session with Asz... and as expected, the discussions eventually focused on love or lack thereof. it's been a while since Asz and I had a talk about love and all the foolishness it showers on us. if i remember it right, it was february when i had my birthday celebration when we had a talk like this...

he was not aware of the tragedy i had experienced so i was forced to recall each and every painful moment of my last conversation with ****. Asz and I had a lot in common when it comes to pseudo-relationships. we even had the same path, almost the same scenarios... only difference is, they're still with each other as with mr. go who has nothing but a bittersweet memory.

i guess it's inevitable. somehow, someway, thoughts of you will come to mind and i have no choice but to think it out. i understand it's part of the process. part of the "me getting over you" drama. and i'm halfway there, just you wait you fickle-minded, manipulative, fake, crazy b...

21 April 2005

i am really disappointed with someone right now. if you've been reading my blogs you would have an idea who it is. you think you know a person but they turn up to be not at all what you think of them or what they're capable of...

you hear everyone saying bad things about her and you ignore them. you think you know her that well. you believe they're just lying, you believe they don't know what they're talking about.

then it happens, everything falls down. all you've heard now seems like prophecy. what they told you turned out to be true. where do you go from there? would you still believe in her?

someone in friendster posted a question. something like 'would you still be friends with the one who hurt you?' would you? or can you? i tried... but it didn't work out... for now that is. my answer to this is that it is possible to be friends with people who hurt you but only after all the hurt have subsided...

20 April 2005

i told a friend, "i'm somewhere in the middle of denial and acceptance..." she rejected the idea and told me im still on the denial side of things... am i really? i really don't know... but i've decided not to be treated like this anymore. i was just caught off-guard, like a rug has been pulled beneath my feet. i don't deserve this and you definitely don't deserve the attention im giving you right now... ...trippin' hard fallin down on to the ground, i can't stand up but i can't fall down, coz i'm somewhere in the middle of this...

18 April 2005

i just came home from a videoke partey care of boss jomz and his videoke machine! it was real fun, i never had a score of below 96 out of a hundred! haha =)

my first song was "it's not unusual" by tom jones. an upbeat tune just to get me going... then the colt 45 kicked in and next thing i remember i was singing emotional songs such as "how do i live" by trisha yearwood.

i wasnt planning on singing but what the heck i had a great time with my friends and i needed to have fun to forget... but somehow, someway, here i am again... thinking of what could've been, thinking of the "what if's" ...damn! i need to get over her... i've decided a while ago that im not gonna wait anymore, i'm gonna move on. but it's not an easy task, i'ma take it a day at a time... nobody said it was easy...

17 April 2005

everynight i wait for the show "late night with conan o'brien." its the only time of the day where in almost an hour, i'm laughing my heart out. its something i look forward to every day. too bad it only airs 5 days a week and at times, re-runs are played...

well anyway, at least i get to laugh once in a while. nowadays i never have time to watch funny movies to keep me afloat.

on with the day's events... i got to play ball and im exhausted. our opponents are so stubborn, we beat them a few days ago, and cant get it to their heads that we're better.. enough of that, its just nice to get to play again. and play great...

16 April 2005

pretty boring day, never got to play ball today 'til 10 in the pm. damn! too many chores to do, not much time to have fun!

just got off ym, chatted with an old friend. pretty interesting chat. she was an ex of my friend. she told me they're friends again and even talk on the fone. kinda surprising, since i think they broke up not on good terms, well i dunno. maybe time heals all wounds. and that's exactly what i need right now. i need to pass the time, need to go fast forward to the day im not depressed anymore. the day im gonna wake up, saying with all honesty, im over you...

15 April 2005

Currently playing "the brilliant dance" by dashboard confessional. pretty emotional song.. well anyway, i decided to take advantage of the blog feature provided by myspace. and since out of 1000+ friends, no one seems to read my blogs, im gonna write everything that comes to mind, anything goes!

last night, i went to this sucky party. it was a graduation party of the brother of my friend's baby father. and i dont know them well, i just came for the booze. one of my closest friend was there and made the drinking session worthwhile. its nice to have an emotional but intelligent conversation once in a while.what about them emotional scars. from the words of hannibal lecter "our scars remind us that the past was real." and it does. no matter how much we want to erase all memory of our heartaches, our frustrations, it doesnt matter. coz in the end, ul still look back and realize that it did happen and u cant do anything about it. how do we treat our wounds? we patch it up, put some medications and it heals, then leaves a scar. and its just that. a scar, a reminder. fact is, u've gone through it, ur healed. but why does it still hurt when we touch our scars?