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It is imperative at my work that we shouldn’t be using our phones during work. I think this is true with any employer. Back when I was at my old job, I used my cellphone a lot to communicate with our clients, so that’s different.

One of my bosses – the newest one – is addicted to Instagram, Snapchat and any other snap-and-share app. There is NOT a minute that she doesn’t have her fucking iPhone in front of her face. Everyone knows she isn’t doing work-related activities on her phone as she shows staff that she’s snap-chatting in the patio.

Can’t that fucking wait ? Do you really need to take selfies every fucking hour ? Geez. Lol

To be honest, the less I am on social media, the more productive I become during the day. One time, I walked my doggy and forgot my phone to bring with me. I got to pay attention to the leaves falling, the wind blowing on my face and the beautiful weather. Since then, I never bring my phone with me when I walk my dog.

One day, I saw this snappy-addict boss of mine in the patio and she admitted to Snap-chatting and that someone might catch her. Well, naturally, I warned to be careful. She knows it’s against work policy – whatever she’s doing. If there is anyone who is legitimately on the phone all day would be my main manager. I take phone calls for him all day. The other boss, boy boss, is rarely out with his cellphone. Girl boss will die if she loses her phone. Pathetic soul.

When fat bitch Kathy sees her, I wonder what she will say. One time she saw me punching stuff on my phone and she yelled “Jane, put that away!”. She apologized later that she may have been too harsh. In my head, I was telling her “no, you’re just annoying as fuck”. Heh.

I will write something about fat Kathy in another post as I’m running late for work.

It’s the 21st night of September. My son and I were laughingly deliberating where Earth, Wind and Fire got that idea from. What’s with the 21st night of September in the 70s?

Back about a year ago, I didn’t have a job. A lot of firsts happened in my life after that. Well, first – was not having a job for the first time in my life since I started working. My savings that I have accumulated for almost 20 years was getting used for rent, food, car payments etc. Eventually, it got exhausted. Like I was broke. I was relying on my daughter’s salary and the mercy of my sister to get by. For the first time, I went to a community center and applied for “food stamps”…. it wasn’t necessarily a food stamp but it’s similar. The case manager gave me a calendar which had marks that correspond to schedules of when there’s free fresh veggies, pantry and food drive. It was the 17th of December when I finally got our first few bags of groceries, fruits, veggies and I even got to choose which gift I wanted from the displayed items. I have never been so touched. I went home with a new set of cookware, canned food, cake mix, bag of flour and sugar… and more.

When I lost my car from getting repossessed, I met an old man who offered to pay for a small car so I can drive out to my job applications. That old man wanted me to be his girlfriend, I know, that’s why he helped. I never felt anything and my mind was off to a lot of concerns for my family to even consider being in a relationship – despite knowing it may help me financially in the meantime, I didn’t want him to be that person in my life.

So I got very depressed. I went for very long walks and pretended on Facebook that I was fine. Well, I was – at the moment- but my head was tormented by thoughts of a future of homelessness. I don’t even remember how I was able to pay my phone and electric bills. I know that half of the time during the time that I was jobless, I was relying on my savings. After that, I believe it was just mainly helping my sister and my daughter. I went to social media every day but I did not give any ideas about my financial and home situation. There were a few people in my life besides my family knew about it but only a few.

We all know that I finally landed a job over a year after I left my last job. I also mentioned hear the wonderful news that my family and I were able to find a new place to stay in a new home. Living here for almost 3 months, all I’ve done was work, be home, run errands, and just stay home. My daughter from time to time spends night here with her boyfriend. Other than that she stays with her best friend’s family. So it’s just been me and my son. My dog, cats and the other living creatures that are around this neighborhood and I have been tending to.

In my past posts, I have whined about my bosses and may have complained here and there about the little things. Despite those, I was driving today from work and I was stuck in traffic. I made a reflection in my head about how far and how tough I had to go in order to be where I am now. I don’t spend much money eating out just like I used to do with my friends and family. I don’t buy new clothes or new shoes unless they’re for work.

Today is the first day of fall and it is definitely cold again. My wind chime keeps chiming often times during the night as well. All through this time, I have not gone hungry nor any of my family including my animals. Living away from my previous city, I haven’t had a chance to go back for free food and free groceries. Somehow, my family and I have been able to afford basic commodities and that has been really good. I also have been able to afford food for my animals and even get to feed my foster kittens with their mom outdoors. Yesterday, I received quite a hefty tip from a lady who ordered lunch for her coworkers. I decided to go to the thrift shop and get me and my son new throw blankets for the coming cold nights. The blankets came with matching throw pillows and it almost feels cashmere-like.

Living with my son, I am thankful for. The other night, I woke up and told my sister through text telling her that I dreamt that my ex-husband was trying to steal away my little baby just like what he did when one of my children were still young. In my dream, I felt the same fear that I felt over 20 years ago. When my son was about 10 months old, my crazy ex-husband grabbed him and left him in the middle of the street so that he could be run over. According to him, the baby was not his. Having learned about this absolutely tore me apart back then. There are plenty of things that haunt me up to this day that my ex-husband did. My life back then was difficult and miserable. It was worse than the feeling that I had I almost thought I was going to lose my home and that we were going to be hungry and homeless. After everything that my ex-husband did to me and to my children, I knew that there couldn’t be anything worse.

It has been over 15 years since me and my children have seen their father. Despite that, I still have nightmares and fears and this anxious feeling whenever I sense that someone is going to have a fight even if it did not involve me. I wish I didn’t have these nightmares anymore. After taking Seroquel for the first time, I had the biggest hopes that it had been cured. I thought that I would never dream about my ex-husband again.

Being in my age, the peace and ability to sustain myself and my children is enough for me. The thought that there are people around us, that genuinely care, fills me with content. Back in the day maybe 8 to 10 years ago, I was driving my dream car, living in a resort style apartment, going out almost every week with my coworkers, shop every after work, and eating out with my family might have seemed to be a sign that I have been successful. I was still feeling incomplete back then. I still felt like I had the biggest problem in the world. Money was still not enough and I was earning 6-digits annually.

Now, I sit in my little balcony with the wind in my face and the wind chime softly clanging in front of me, I breathe in and feel contented. I didn’t go to a cruise or flew on many trips to different tourist destinations. I am under a roof and my family is too. We don’t starve and my cupboards are filled with food (humans and animals alike). My fridge never runs out of milk and eggs. I’m always able to afford a loaf of bread.

We are safe. No one is attempting to take my children away not hurt them. My job doesn’t pay even half my previous salary but I love what I do and my main boss has been the best I have ever had.

For the last 2 days, my head has been nagging me with aching pain. Normally, that signals that my period is just closing the ramp to my street.

I know, I know, why talk about my menstrual cycle ? Well I just get PMS that can be so bad, it can ruin my life and my relationship with people. Tonight I knew if I acted on my feelings, I wouldn’t have a job right now.

Again.

At work tonight, my boss – the young one who’s into Japanese cars, questioned a few of the decisions I made. He even accused me “constructively” that I was rude to one of the guests by telling or asking “you’re dining by yourself ?” What I really meant to say was “so I should not bring you to a big table”. Boy I wanted to tell my boss that I have never been accused of being rude but he’s been rude to his staff in more ways than one. Of course, humoring him, was going to be in my best interest. I also had – let’s call her – Kendra tonight who was supposed to run and get tables ready while I manned the stand. She had my position before and I’ve proven more than once what a big tattle-tale she is. This idiot just won’t help out with the loads of menus I had to carry – considering my left hand is still on weight restrictions. I was definitely annoyed at her until she was taken away to help take orders.

Then my male boss kept turning into Mr. Hyde and asking me “why this” and “why that”. He always HAD SOMETHING to find wrong in what I’m doing. He may have told me I did a great job one night but when you’re in the moment, it can really harsh your mellow. I am the first person our guests see, so I have to be chipper. My main boss is impressed with that and doesn’t say anything hurtful. So I guess we all know which of the 2 male bosses in my life are camping and brought their bug sprays.

This is going to be a whine-fest, I’m giving you a disclaimer now.

We have a server whose name is Kathy, she’s overweight and a fault-finder. She’s also a liar and has the worst manners. I’ll give you an example: one day, she enters the restaurant as a guest. She was obviously with her boyfriend. While she started talking to me, she never introduces the person with her. She just asked for a gluten- free menu. When they dined, their server kept coming to me whining that it’s been half an hour and they still haven’t made up their mind about what to eat. Another day, I sat some guests and told her about them. The parents in this party are from New Zealand and they are here for the first time. I told Kathy that I sat a table for her : “oK” she says. I tell her that the parents in that table came from New Zealand and their kids brought them to dine here. “Oh wow.” She replied.

20 minutes later she hadn’t gone to the table and when confronted, she tells boy manager that she was never told. Now boss man is chiding me again.

So, all of these ass wipes that have been doing shit to me have been hidden blessings. Honestly ! Through their annoying traits and lies and arrogance, I learn to adjust and anticipate what could happen next.

Every time I sit a table now, I wait until the server acknowledges and the other staff can hear this. I also check right away if the guests have been seen by their server. Also, I have learned that humoring boy boss is the best way to shut him up. He likes being the boss and wants to be assured no one forgets. About Kendra – it’s her last day this week. Hallelujah.

So life goes on. I’m soaking my feet right now in hot eucalyptus-flavored epsom salt. It takes the stink away from my feet.

Thank goodness for Xanax, I haven’t done anything that I know I will regret.

Before climbing to bed tonight, I made a quick check on my leg and thighs for any slugs. Good lawd, I have never seen so many slugs at once, somehow I’m scared I’ll dream about them on me. Shudder.

Throughout the non-post weeks, I have been trying to take care of this stray cat and her two kittens. My son once told me that there were maybe 4 kittens. They are lurking in a bush against the wall outside of my parking space. As a matter of fact, I think that’s their home…but it really isn’t . They’re a homeless family. My heart aches.

A few weeks after moving in this new apartment, I would spot a tortoise looking cat walking about my neighborhood grounds. I think that this may be the father of the kittens now that I see their mom. The kittens have the prettiest blue eyes similar to their mom. The first time I tried to approach them to give them some food, the mother cat hissed at me and she did it so forcefully I knew exactly why. She was trying to protect her kittens. There were two of them : The cutest ash-gray kitten and the prettiest white kitten with blue eyes. I immediately fell in love with this cat family when I saw them despite the fact that I was being hissed at to almost a growl from the mother cat. She’s very skinny and looks like she hasn’t eaten for days or weeks. Her kittens are so frail-looking. I had some cans of Fancy Feast cat food which my cats only seem to like for 3 seconds. These have been in my kitchen cabinet ever since we moved, from the old apartment. I brought three cans on the first day that I saw the cats and emptied all of it on a disposable plate. The mother cat devoured almost all of it. She bit off chunks of the cat food from the plate and tried to bring it to the back of the bush. Immediately after that, the gray kitten started coming out of the bush and ate from the same plate. Poor thing ! Poor kitty !!! Despite knowing that I have done something good for this little family, my heart ached because I knew that they didn’t have a home.

A few days after, when I had the opportunity to find information about surrendering stray animals, I tried to call the Humane Society that is closest to where I live. I left a voicemail as it seems like there is a very long waiting period, if you want to speak to a person. Sigh. I told them about potentially borrowing a trap-N-neuter cage. The weekend following that call, I received a voicemail telling me that their next appointment available for surrendering cats and other stray animals is October. They also mentioned that they did not have any TNR cages at this time.

Why is there an appointment necessary to bring an animal over? I thought the Humane Society was humane.

When Pet Smart had a promotion where you get to buy one bag and get one free bag of cat food, I took this opportunity to get some kitten kibble. A few days before that as well, I dropped by Walmart and bought a box of more Fancy Feast canned cat food. It was in my mission to take care of this little family outside my apartment. So, believe it or not, I bought a 7 pound kitten kibble from the Blue Buffalo brand. Lucky kitties! I was quite happy that there was a promotion and I was able to buy more and enough for my own little furry family.

To cut the story a little short, the kittens and their mom have been getting their rations of food daily from me and my son. We both feel that we need to do something before the winter comes. I’ve even put it on Facebook for my friends to know that I have stray kittens and their mommy cat that need a home. At this time, it is impossible for me to try and get at least the kittens to a box considering that my other hand is still recovering from surgery. I don’t think that taking them away from their mom at this time would also do them good. The kittens are probably four weeks old. One time, my daughter’s boyfriend said that he once rescued a mother cat with her kittens and he surrendered them to the shelter. He said that the shelter took the kittens and put the mother down. That is so heartbreaking.

“Baboon!” I told my dog, “I haven’t fed the kittens today.” I actually didn’t feel so bad because I left them enough food the day before and it was enough to last them until today. My son also brought down some water yesterday when I mentioned the cats need to be fed. Tonight, I poured more kibble in the plastic cup I used to transfer food and a cup of wet food. I saw the kittens the day before and they were side-by-side staring at the road, a few feet away. Today, no sign of both kitties and the mom.

So tonight, telling my dog Baboon that I had to go feed the strays, I brought the kibble and the wet food and used my cellphone flashlight for me to see the ground. The disposable plate was still there – a bit dirty from this little slimy thing I really couldn’t tell what from the tiny light from my phone. I used a plant leaf to scrape it off the plate. It looked like a snot. A thick snot. Gross.

So while I poured the kibble, I noticed something gray and shiny a few inches away from the plate. “Hmm.”, I thought. “A snail lost its shell ???” I opened the cup of wet food and laid it away from the… oh my God, it was a fucking garden slug AND THEY WERE ALL OVER THE FUCKING GROUND !!!!! Tiny slugs, medium slugs and the mother of all slugs right at the corner, a few inches from my feet. What else could they be ? I honestly have never seen a fucking slug in real life.

As I walked backwards to exit the little space between the bush and the wall, I shine the flashlight on my path to see how vast the slug colony was. When I got out and on concrete grounds again, I said in a loud whisper, “Siri, show me pictures of a slug.”

“You need to unlock your iPhone first.”

Fucking Siri.

I didn’t need a lot of time to confirm that what I saw were slugs. Squirm. Squirm. Squirm.

My attention shifted from the slug pictures to the mother cat that has then come out to feed. My thoughts started racing, thinking about the kittens. “I wonder where the kittens could be ?” Typically the gray one comes out quicker. The white one often is last to feed. “Ohhhhh no, could the slugs have hurt them ???” I imagined the slugs on the kitties and their blood getting sucked out of their tiny bodies. There was a debate going on in my head of whether to begin a slug massacre.

As I climbed back to my apartment, I said a little prayer that the kittens are OK. Also, I realized that my pajama pants were beyond my feet and touched the ground. The slug-infested ground.

Stripping off my pants in the bathroom, I checked for anything slimy and shiny. Even anything that looked like a thick giant snot. Thankfully, none. So I’m in bed now and my Seroquel hasn’t kicked in so far. I honestly want to watch a little more TV to play with my thoughts about the slugs.

I lost my umbrella today. How so ? It’s been so hot lately that I have been using my tribal-print automatic umbrella for shade when I go for walks. Today, I went to see my doctor for my post surgery check up … I know I still had it when I drove back home. However, along the drive home I decided to drop by Target to pick up some milk.

Yes, I used my umbrella to walk from my car to the store. When I entered, my gaze was stuck on this yellow dress…I went to the fitting room to try a small and a medium, came out with the small dress and headed to get milk.

I may have left my trusty umbrella in the fitting room. I REALLY, really love that umbrella. It definitely has sentimental value.

Back last year, I was unemployed and couldn’t seem to get a job. I began to find comfort it walking everyday – 10,000 steps to be the goal. This brought me to discovering new parks, went back to photography and embrace nature as a part of my therapy. I was hopping from one park to anther all the way thru winter when the rains started to fall almost everyday. I still went out to walk. My colorful umbrella was with me through wind and rain. It protected me and my camera from being ambushed by the huge raindrops and made me feel happy no matter now stormy my life was and the weather have been. The colors are bright and beautiful. I’ve had this umbrella only for a short 3 or 4 years but it was with me when I was in my rainy season.

Sigh. It sounds so superficial to be mourning over a material belonging BUT have you ever lost something – like a keychain or a favorite pen ? Didn’t it make you feel like you lost a part of your well-being? It’s how I feel right now.

Maybe it’s just here somewhere. I have looked in my car and it isn’t there. I may have left it at Starbucks- inside Target.

I don’t think so.

It’s in the fitting room. Had I just walked to the milk fridge, I may still have my umbrella. Now I’ll have to buy a new one and that’s going to cost me something against my budget. Well, I still have 2 black umbrellas and a really tiny manual umbrella – now THIS I really cannot lose – that’s more than 15 years old. This old umbrella is still working but quite small. It’s plaid and really lightweight. It has traveled with me from country to country. Makes me giggle a little because I always seem to have an umbrella with me when I travel.

What aches me more really is that I lost something in a place I know BUT I am quite positive it’s no longer there. I’m so perplexed ! Why would I lose my umbrella that’s been in my purse all that time ? I may have brought it out while in the fitting room to check my phone.

This is actually me, lying to one of my best friends who planned to take a weekend off to the wine country. He’s supposed to fly in on Friday and stay at my place. Then we head out for Napa this weekend.

Financially, I may have been able to pull off this mini getaway since he’s paying for everything. I’m, however, not ready to cut a chunk out of my paycheck by taking 3 days off. My boss may have approved of it had I requested for it but I didn’t.

My hand is still in a brace, I still ache from the wound and I know I may not have fun…so won’t he. My best friend is also suffering from depression and as much as I miss him, I want to take care of my issues first.

So today, I told him that my boss didn’t approve of my requested schedule. LIE. I lied and he believed me. It’s true that I’m not off this weekend but I certainly didn’t request to be off. Yes, I feel awful but glad I was finally able to get it off my chest. My best friend loves to hang out with me as he did when he still lived in the Bay.

Now, he has lied to me quite many times in the past too. I’m not seeking redemption for myself but he’s lied to me so much in the past, I confronted him about it.

See, men and women lie. It’s not just men. We lie about so many things too, although maybe not in the same context as men do. It’s wrong, I know, but we all know that it’s often the only quick way to get out of a situation that makes us uncomfortable or uneasy.

If there is any place I wouldn’t dare lie, it would be at work. It sounds unfair BUT I cannot risk losing my job. If any, I want to be a better worker at my job. Come to think of it, lying to someone may mean that person isn’t that important in my life. I can lie to people but not to someone or something I don’t want to lose. It’s often that we lie because we want to keep that other person’s company BUT in reality, constant lying to the same person will eventually prove our worth. I’ve been there. When I was a kid, I lied to my parents and my siblings. I lost their trust in so many ways. The only reason they stuck with me is that because I proved to them that I can be what I tell them I want to be and of course, they’re my family and they love me.

My sister doesn’t trust me fully and I don’t blame her. I’ve made too many mistakes in my life that I’m ashamed of. She loves me anyway. I don’t trust my older brother because he, when he needed money, sold all my framed needlework which was in a display in our childhood home. He knew how valuable those were to me. He sold them without asking for my permission because he knew I would say no. One time, I was so angry that I told my sister to find who he sold them to and I will buy them back. Up to now, my work are in someone else’s house. My sister said that my brother won’t tell her. It took me a year or so before talking to my brother again. I’ve forgiven him but I will never forget.

My hand is now wounded as a fruit of all the needlework I did when I was young – but the result of all my handwork is gone.

It’s not a surprise why I dreamt about this fireman I was seeing before last night. It was 3 years ago when I first met him and now we remain friends on Facebook. He has a thing for armpits – like he has an armpit fetish. He’s dating an Asian woman right now and they’ve been together roughly 2 years. Randy – his name – still messages me from time to time. He says how much he wishes to be with other women too, but his GF is a really great catch…probably with nice pits to match.

In my dream, they both came to see me. In my dream, he came close to me and his GF didn’t seem to mind. We began telling her stories of how me and him met. How cruel is that ? Also considering that I had both my arms wrapped around him at the same time. Dreams are weird. One time I dreamt about Justin Timberlake … don’t even ask me about it.

This weekend that passed, hurricane IRMA swept throughout the Caribbean and Florida. I was working, meanwhile, and trying to not strain my left hand. I had finally the surgery for the carpal tunnel on my left. The surgery was quick and I don’t remember a thing. The right hand comes next… might be tomorrow if my surgeon agreed.

Back at work, I have 2 male bosses and a new lady manager. Both men have contrasting qualities. The older one (in his 50s) smiles a lot and is friendly to all his staff. He jokes around too. Once I told him he was the best boss ever and he replied with , “Don’t lie to me.” Well I lie all the time (or less than all the time), but he is the best boss I’ve ever had. I think he likes it when I give him a hug. Who wouldn’t ? The other male boss is younger. I’m betting he’s younger than me by 10 years or close. Very unpredictable. It’s almost like he’s a woman in her premenopausal era. Stern yet accommodating, very truthful yet unpredictable. “Is he serious ???” One time I told him that one of our lady guests asked to have the windows closed because she was getting cold. My boss said, “let’s just throw her into the fire then.”. I froze for roughly 2 seconds and walked away. Younger boss is God-fearing and as compassionate as older boss. He’s just not as sociable as older boss. They both ride high-end cars and have both a motorcycle. Older boss is into BMW, younger boss must not be able to afford it yet so he rides Japanese ones. Younger boss has chided me quite plenty of times for not looking ahead. He admitted though that he likes my attitude at work. : ) I gave him a hug and was so thankful he didn’t push me back and say “Don’t touch me!!!”.

What do I do about this other guy ? Back in my old apartment, during the days of misery and endless worries of being homeless, he offered me help by looking for cheap apartments. Cutting the story short, we would rendezvous in an inconspicuous location in the neighborhood and he would take me to an empty apartment. 10-15 minutes later, it’s as if nothing happened. After the first encounter, he wouldn’t stop texting me and asking me if I was available. He was acting like he was running out of gas somewhere and I had to come to his rescue, “I need you!” . After a while, I started making excuses. Eventually I moved to this new place (he found it for me) and the quickies were put to a halt. He still messages me and even told me he’d give me gas money if I went to “visit” him. Aaaaarrrgh! I feel so exploited. I didn’t cave in. I’m still making excuses (like I said, I lie less than all the time) so I wouldn’t need to. I’m so close to telling him that I’m dating someone and having sex with anyone else would be rude. He’s 5 years younger than me who said “I’ve wanted you since the first time I laid eyes on you.” . Not exactly what I want to hear from a gentleman but it’s not the first time.

When I came off Effexor early this year, my libido was on a high roll. I stopped taking it because I would have very vivid nightmares. When my psychiatrist put me on Zoloft, the libido turned into gardening, Twitter, walking my dog, and cleaning my house. It’s quite a fair exchange, I think. Keeps bacterial vaginosis away.

Ew.

Men are men. Y’all will crave for new flavors, like beer. Some can control it and others, the glass of beer just seems to offer itself free-of-charge. I think of ALL (of maybe less than ALL) the men I’ve dated and known. Somehow right now -could be the Zoloft talking- my interest in being with one is at an all-time low. There’re plenty of other matters that I want to give my time to.

Picking up my Xanax yesterday after work, I had no clue what I was going to come across.

Entering the vicinity of the little plaza where my pharmacy is located, I saw an empty spot right in front of me which was just in front of the place. So I drove slowly because I knew I was going to cross a small intersection. As I was slowly getting closer to the parking space, I did see an SUV backing out of a disabled parking space. So I eased into the space and before you know it, the SUV almost rammed and T-boned me.

The driver pulled behind me and from my side view mirror I can see his fuming face. I got out of my car and made sure my camera was on video in case he threatens me. According to him, he was waiting for the spot I took . He said that i just drove straight in while his signal was pointing to the spot. Hmm. I apologized and told him that I didn’t see him. He was upset and questioned how I didn’t. Well, I didn’t tell him that I saw him backing out of the disabled space. He doesn’t have a disabled placard. He was just mad that I took his parking spot …. looking around, there really wasn’t any need for him to be so revved up. There were PLENTY of empty spaces !!!

So, in an attempt to just go on about my day and not pay attention to this cunt, I offered to leave the space and started to go back to my car. “Oh so now you’re going to move ???” He spits. I was so dumbfounded. Eventually a car left from 2 spaces away and the cunt drove his SUV there and parked. He came out of his car and started arguing with me still. I honestly didn’t know what the fuck he wanted. I already apologized and he was still aggressive and said he was going to hit me because of what I did. I told him that I feel harassed and he’s scaring me. “What you did was wrong !” He insisted. “Do you do this all the time ?” He asks. I told him that I have been cut in parking areas before too but it wasn’t a big deal.

Good grief. Inside his green Expedition was a younger man (must be his son) and a woman in the backseat I figured was his wife. This is an overweight Latino man wearing an oversized T-shirt, baggy jeans and a smug face. What the fuck does he think he is ? I told him I had the right to park there too. Nothing calmed him down so I called 911 on his ass. The dispatcher told me to go ahead and get my medicine in the store and they’re sending police. I told the dispatcher that I’m scared and I feel aggravated just because of his accusations.

I picked up my meds and told the staff in my pharmacy about the altercation that happened to me outside the store. They were all surprised that such was just due to parking. Yes, me too. Road rage due to parking when there’s so many parking spaces that were empty. Maybe that space held a place in his heart ?

After I left the pharmacy, the cunt was waiting outside. I walked to my car and drove off. I called 911 again to tell them that I had left and requested to speak with the officer who was going to respond to my call. I just needed someone to control this asshole while we talked about his issue. However, I left and eventually I received a call from the police. “He was so mad that I took his parking but didn’t calm down when I offered to just leave the spot and park somewhere else. I don’t understand how he was so upset.” I thanked the cop and hung up.

By the way, I took a few pictures of this cunt and posted it on social media to alert my friends that someone was aggravating me and that I didn’t feel safe. The mother fucker almost hit me and I was the one apologizing. Plus he wouldn’t let it go. This makes me question how this man’s family life must be and what kind of children he must be raising.

What a sad individual. I should’ve shoved a Xanax in his ass. That may have calmed him down.

It's not my "blues" really. Although, I was buzzing around my living room at 10 in the morning today, feeling calm thinking I don't work until 4 pm. Then, I thought "hmm, let me make sure…" then saw I was working at 11 am ! Surely, I didn't shower (mind you, I showered last night) and immediately dressed up for work and did my make up for 10 minutes – that's record-breaking. My coffee was brewed but there wasn't any way I can drink it, have my cereal and still make it to work on time. So it was PB&J sandwich in a Ziploc bag and zoom, zoom, zoom.

Being late at work at this point is not what I want to give as an impression. Luckily, traffic has lifted and I got to work 15 minutes early !

Now, despite being depressed and anxious alternately (or sometimes simultaneously), I don't bring that to work. Again, like being tardy, I don't want to be known as the Debbie D. So I acknowledge everyone with a cheerful "Good morning !" and even give some people at work a hug or two. I've been told I'm always cheerful, "how do you do it ?".

An hour after getting into work, Marcy, one of the staff didn't return my greeting like she usually would. She was quietly making roll ups in the corner of the bar where I was polishing glassware. This lady is blonde, a little plump but is mostly cheerful with her high-note voice. Jimmy, then bartender asked her if she wanted to take a reservation for 6 guests today. Eventually, I heard her say "I will do anything to keep me from thinking." I asked her, " How come you don't want to think ? Is everything OK?"

Marcy starts to weep, rolling up the silverware and tells me, "Oh I just have a lot of things in my mind. Men really do certain things that can make you crazy…but I'm afraid that I might lose my best friend." Apparently she's been seeing this man on and off for 8 years.

She told me it's complicated… she teared up and I handed her some napkins used for the bar. Eventually she admits "don't judge me" that the guy she's seeing is married. In my head, I didn't judge her at all and I told her that I'm in no position to judge anyone. "We all make mistakes and I even make my own mistakes up to now."

During the course of the day, I kept her busy with guests here and there. Eventually, I called on her attention when everything simmered down and told her that she has to open her door to other men who deserve her. "You know that your situation will only lead to nowhere, if not a disaster." She said she knew that and have thought about it over and over again. "If you stay in this relationship, you won't be able to give yourself a chance to be happy. You will hurt for a while, but that will eventually be over. It's cliché!"

"Allow yourself to be happy and find and be found."

She listened and I know it didn't heal her right there and then but I told her that I hoped she would feel better. It's known that she won't totally feel well until she has released herself from this burden.

It makes me a bit sad seeing my coworkers hurting – especially when they are crying. My immediate thought is to listen to what they have to say and just pour it out. Often times they really need to say what's in their mind and have someone there just to listen. Thank goodness I didn't forget to take my Xanax despite the fact that I was rushing to work this morning. What would I ever do without my magic pill ?

I may have run into a car or got into an accident. Nonetheless, I made it through the day and now home and in the middle of laundry. This Chinese guy is using the laundry room with me. I was hoping I could have it all to myself as I am also washing my bed sheets today. In the laundry room closest to my apartment, unfortunately there're only 2 washers and 2 dryers.

Last weekend, I went through ALL my deleted voicemails and didn't realize there were 3 new messages in my blocked messages section.

The number was the same for all 3 but with no message ID. After listening to the latest one, dated July 3, I remembered who it was. It was this Italian drama king who I met online but never really met in person. I blocked him as he couldn't accept why I wouldn't add him on Facebook. Duh. Now it is dawning to me but 3 days ago, I was having a bit of hard time recalling why I had him blocked.

His message stated that his Dad had a stroke, his last relationship didn't work out and he wondered if I was going to talk to him. Feeling sorry, I called him. I had an hour to spare before leaving for work that afternoon. Let's just say he spoke 90% of the conversation and all that I was left to say was either "yes", "that's right", or "OK.". Oh let's not forget that I also told him that I had to go because I had a party to go to. It was a lie but it was the only way that I could cut this blabbermouth and just hang up. I'm definitely not emotionally ready to get into another relationship and if I was, it wasn't going to be with this man. My back hurt while I spoke with him.

It was such a relief the moment I turned the phone off after saying goodbye to him. He said he wanted to see if I was available next week to meet him for coffee or tea. I do have a feeling that he does not remember why we stopped communicating.

About three months ago or so, I met him online at a dating website. Thinking that he was pretty friendly with the messaging, I gave him my number and we started talking on the phone. After a few days of talking on the phone he asked me if I had Facebook and if I could add him. I told him that since I have not met him in person, and he wasn't necessarily my friend, I won't add him. He took that negatively and sent me messages regarding him being a nice person etc. etc. I sent him a reply that I'm sure he is what he is saying but the fact that he feels so strongly about me adding him on Facebook and cannot accept that I won't, tells me a lot about him. After that I blocked him so I could no longer receive any messages that will urge me to send a reply.

Geez.

Why am I even mentioning that dude? I only have about 275 friends on my Facebook. 90% of them are either relatives of mine and/or people I used to work with for a long time. The 10% would be acquaintances who I don't really consider as friends but whose feed I like seeing. I did not add my cell phone number and the information on Facebook for the reason that I do not want people to search for me. I also have restrictions to who can add me as a friend there. Some of my friends on Facebook are even restricted. About four or five of them cannot see my daily feeds unless I make it public.

My left shoulder hurts like hell. My hands are hurting again and I've been having dreams again.

Yesterday, I bought a large wind chime for the northwest side of my apartment. I have been reading a lot of Feng Shui regarding wind chimes. The one I bought sounds really nice when the wind blows. The sound is soft and low, not like tinkling or clinking. It's more of "clang" and "tong" . LOL

I really love my new wind chime. In my previous apartment, I had about six wind chimes and I think that may have hurt my chi and brought in lots of negative energy. Moving here, I threw them all away.

Chester Bennington committed suicide last week and I have been listening to Linkin Park a lot after that. I have admired this man's ability to scream and sing at the same time since I was in college. I also "Saw" the movie where he was in back in the day. When they say that men are more successful in committing suicide, I certainly believe it's true. A lot of women who are depressed and are suicidal have the ability to reach out to someone and voice out their emotions in a form of asking for help. Men tend to man up and when they can no longer take it, they take their life and make sure they succeed.

One of my colleagues asked me to join her and a group of other friends in Napa this month. I told her I can't …. it's obviously going to cost a lot of money and I'm not positive it will be worth it. Wine country can be fun if someone else is paying for the wine tasting and the ride.

Lately I've been thinking that I do better being alone. I have adjusted to this kind of life and feel good being around the people I work with when I'm working. When not, I'm good by myself or with my children and my pets. I feel like I cannot get myself involved with new people as I am not ready to explain my life to anyone to check if they can accept me for who I am. My new neighbors are friendly – they would always smile and greet me. I keep to myself and hope my new wind chime will not be an issue.

OK. That's about chapter one. :p

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