World's Debt Actually Less Than 10% Of What We Thought

Ahead of the budget, our Investigations Team has been working on what is actually owed by each country - and to whom.

Helping us was a retired maths teacher (who can't be named because the court case is still pending). He showed us how every country owes billions to almost every other country. "Now" he said as he stood at a big blackboard "if we subtract here and here, and cancel out above and below the line we get the actual amount Britain owes. Some chalkdust later we discovered it is exactly £977.53. We then set off to scour records to see who we owe this to.

After much digging we found the savings account of a retired miner Mr Scargill (92). He put 3d a week into the account from age 12 when he first went down the pit and it mounted up from there. So the good news is that we aren't broke but the bad news is that he plans to visit the Post Office next week to withdraw it.