Simple Kids’ Play vs. Genuine Bullying: Here’s How to Tell

Going to school should be a great time for kids: School is a place where kids learn new things, make new friends, and set the course for their future.

Yet in recent years we’ve come to think of school more as a place where kids and teens are being bullied. Bullying can lead to a whole host of physical and psychological problems that include depression, social isolation, and eating and sleep disorders. And the impact of bullying is severe – often to the point of serious psychological damage and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

How do you know if your child is the victim of simple good-natured ribbing vs. genuine bullying? It’s not always easy to tell. Sometimes the signs of bullying are obvious in either the bully or the person being bullied, and sometimes they’re subtle.

For the bully, one clear sign is hostility and aggression directed toward a victim who is physically or emotionally weaker – behaviors that cause pain and distress for the person being bullied. For a child being bullied, more subtle signs are when the child does not want to go to school or is having difficulty sleeping. Learning about the many signs of a child who is being bullied is as important as knowing the signs of a child who is being the bully.

Bullying Is Not a Rite of Passage

According to STOMP Out Bullying, bullying affects one out of four kids face to face, with 7 out of 10 incidents taking place at school. Depending on their ages, up to 43 percent of children are cyberbullied, which is harassment through the use of digital technologies like the Internet or a smartphone.

Physical bullying can be dangerous, and, contrary to what some parents advise, children should never physically fight back unless there is no way to escape. If they have to do so, they should fight until they can free themselves from the bully and get assistance from an adult.

While verbal and emotional bullying are not against the law, it is still a very real and painful experience. If your kid is the target of racial or sexual bullying, the child should notify a parent or trusted adult.

Cyberbullying is more challenging due to the anonymity of the bully. Kids and teens are online 24/7 and it’s easy to hide behind a computer screen, iPad, or smartphone. Children should be taught never to respond to online harassment. If it persists, they should block and report the aggressor. If they are being threatened online, they need to tell their parents immediately. Online and text threats should be printed out or copied and brought to the attention of law enforcement.

Many adults think that bullying will toughen up kids or that it’s a rite of passage. It used to be like that. Not anymore! Our kids are subjected to more than we ever were. It’s a different world today.

How Bullies Threaten Kids’ Health

Bullies create a constant fear in their victims. Studies have found that kids who are repeatedly bullied are especially vulnerable to the negative impact of bullying on their health, including lower self-esteem, more symptoms of or severe depression, greater likelihood of using alcohol or drugs, or other effects that compromise not just mental health, but also physical health. Some kids are so tormented that they use suicide as an alternative way to cope. A study conducted by Yale University showed that children who have been bullied are two to nine times more likely to report suicidal thoughts compared with children who haven’t been bullied. Yet, the suicides connected to bullying are not always a result of the bullying itself. Often, depression or other mental health issues may be the underlying cause, and bullying can exacerbate the situation. Kids and teens who are bullied can also hurt themselves by engaging in self-injury, such as cutting or other self-mutilation like burning or banging themselves.

At the same time, the aggressor’s mental health, which receives a lot less attention, is also something to consider. Bullies need help in getting to the root of their behavior, and behavioral management therapy can help.

What Can Parents Do About Bullying?

We educate kids and teens to tell their parents when bullying occurs, yet most children don’t talk about it. They sit in fear and silence.

Ross Ellis is a national expert on bullying and cyberbullying, and is the founder and chief executive officer of STOMP Out Bullying, the leading national bullying and cyberbullying prevention organization for kids and teens in the United States.

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