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Don’t you hate the news? Isn’t it depressing/infuriating/boner-deflating? I try to stay away from it as much as possible–I know this isn’t helping me be an informed citizen, but damn it, how does me knowing that three people died in a Detroit marathon improve my life at all? It only reminds me to stay the hell out of Detroit, because nothing good has happened there since Home Improvement, and that was in fictional Detroit.

Every now and then I’ll scan over the Drudge Report and read the headlines, just to keep up. I read what is probably equivalent to a short paragraph of text and the next hour or so of my life is ruined. Today’s entry is in two parts; In the first section I will re-write some headlines to make them more “scanner” friendly, and in the second, I will re-write some news stories so that they don’t make me want to go out and destroy something beautiful.

God I want to blow you up.

———————————————————–

—-Section 1—-

From

“Suicide Bomber kills 29 in Assault on Iran Guards.”

to

“Shit sucks.”

—

From

“Brown Warns of Climate ‘Catastrophe’; ’50 Days to Save the World.'”

to

“There Probably Isn’t Anything to Worry About, but This Story Would Make a Great Michael Bay Film.”

—

From

“FBI Adds Gang Member to Most Wanted List.”

to

“FBI Adds Another non-Joker Criminal to Most Wanted List. (Boooring.)”

—

From

“7 Months After Stimulus 49 out of 50 States Have Fewer Jobs.”

to

“Congratulations! You Now Have 49 States Worth of Unemployed Americans to Compete With. Go to hell, Liberal Arts Grad!”

Tarek Mehanna, 27, of Sudbury, Massachusetts, is seen in this Sudbury Police Department photograph released to Reuters on October 21, 2009. Mehanna was [thanked] at his home on Wednesday morning [with breakfast in bed].

A wealthy Massachusetts college professor’s son was [thanked] Wednesday for plotting to shoot up [sales at] a mall after he was rejected by all the foreign [bargain] groups he contacted for training.

Tarek Mehanna, 27, who lives with his parents and writes a blog about [fun hats], was [thanked] for conspiring to detonate [prices] and [save] Americans [a ton of money!].

His laptop contained photos of himself pointing at the sky and grinning gleefully at [clouds], according to [buddies!].

He also allegedly distributed video files of [rabbits] being [petted] in Iraq.

At his [birthday party] in Boston, the judge [of fun] had to repeatedly ordered him to [stop tickling everyone] to hear the [nice things everybody thought] about him.

Under prodding from his father, Ahmed Mehanna, he finally stood, tossing his [confetti] loudly to the floor. Mehanna had been out on [parade] since he was [thanked] at Logan Airport a year ago on charges of [brushing his teeth] [after] a [candy] [bonanza!].

He had been about to board a plane to Saudi Arabia, where he had a job lined up. His father called the charges [awesome!].

“This really, really is a [boobs],” Ahmed Mehanna told reporters.

The FBI said Mehanna and his [BFF for like, forever] Daniel Maldonado, who is [helping] ten [people] [cross the street], talked in code of “making peanut butter and jelly” – meaning waging holy war [on rainy days].

“They were willing to participate anywhere they would be accepted by groups who were engaging in [mark downs], for example [Kohl’s] or [Ross], but their desire was to be able to fight in [America] against [high prices],” the FBI said.

A 2004 trip to hook up with [bargain hunters] in Yemen was [awesome], too. Mehanna, who was [Jacked up on Red Bull], but inspired by the success of the 2002 Beltway [dancers], who [entertained] Washington DC for three weeks by [doing the foxtrot with] random people at gas stations, the men allegedly then planned to [choreograph a big dance off] at an American mall.

“The three men discussed logistics of a mall [dance off], including the types of [shoes] needed, the number of [vests] that would be involved, and how to coordinate the [power slides] from different entrances,” the FBI stated.

The plan was abandoned because they couldn’t get their hands on any automatic [strobe lights].

Online, Mehanna allegedly translated and distributed [Tony Robbins] propaganda, including a 65-page book called “39 Ways to Serve and Participate in [Bargains and Dance-offs.]”

In a February 2006 online chat, he allegedly discussed his desire to become the “[giant metal] wing” for [the Megazord].

The FBI also found a poem he wrote about the joys of [bargains], that includes the lines:

“You turn and behold/The voices are singing/ Coming from Maidens so fair and enchanting/These are the [happy people] with round and firm [wallets]/Pure untouched [sandwiches], they’re better than the [moldy ones]/Seventy-two in all, with large [meats] of dark hue/Each one created especially for you [at an affordable price].”