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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The best to NOT happen to mankind: Human Resources

The job of a coal miner. So dangerous. Exhausting. Risk driven. Fatal even. Obviously an HR person doesn’t think so.Welcome to undeniably the most feared department of any organisation – The Human Resources Team. If ‘you’* do not tread carefully here, you will be minced into tiny shreds of unrecognisable flesh. *Here, ‘you’ is the gullible employee.Anyone worth his coffee has wondered, mostly on a daily basis, about the purpose of an HR department. The upper management on the other hand, of course, sips into premium blends of varied concoctions (very expensive water), hires an HR Team and never wonders about its whereabouts again (Unless they want to do something evil, in which case they call everyone for a meeting, which, in my opinion, is the third most evil weapon ever devised by mankind).I really don’t need to dwell into how notoriously diligent an HR person is. What I would rather do is list down the occurrences that you will NEVER find in a HR department.1. An HR person doing workRemember how you had requested for your appraisal confirmation papers many many many years ago? And remember how you got married, gave birth to fifteen children, got them married off too, and yet, your appraisal papers have never graced your eyesight?

2. An HR person caring about youRemember how the HR person told you that he is very sorry that you are not being recognised for your proactive efforts and commendable performance? Well you don’t remember any such thing, simply because it never happened.

3. An HR person ensuring that you get a good promotionRemember how you got promoted? Yes, a good memory can be a bad thing.

4. An HR person who really doesn’t care about timesheetsI really don’t know how many hours have been clocked in which section and why. Which is why I opine that timesheets are the second most evil weapon to be invented by mankind. Of course we all lie about the hours, because no sane person can keep track. Unless he is an HR person. In which case, the following happens:

You: “Gee, I was working so hard, I just couldn’t keep track of the time.”

HR: “This is a clear evidence of laxity in time management and disability to remember under pressure.”

5. An HR person not paying attention to trivial matters such as dress codeSo you wore a bright orange tent-like shirt coupled with latex green coloured pants. Now here, sane people chose to ignore you as much as they can. An HR person, on the other hand, braves the possibility of losing eyesight owing to the bright glare from your attire. He instead goes a step further, calls you for a one-on-one meeting* and mentions exactly why your superior calibre and awe-inspiring leadership skills can totally be ignored in a performance review due to the colourful mess that you have adorned on your being. *One-on-one meeting in a room alone with HR person solely doing the talking tops the list in the ultimate torture to be unleashed on the unsuspecting.

6. An HR person not ignoring your mailsYou receive mails about every unrelated-to-you news in the world such as the following:

Happy birthday to our new joinee, Mumbo Jumbo.

Mumbo Jumbo completes 3 days

Mumbo Jumbo got married

Mumbo Jumbo now has quadruplets

Mumbo Jumbo grew new hair on his ears

Ok, so maybe I went overboard there. But remember how you sent a million mails to the HR department about an XYZ issue, which magically did a Matrix-like stunt in avoiding their attention? And yet, you regularly receive updates about Mumbo Jumbo and his experiences at office and random things growing out of his earlobes.In my entire life (till date), I am yet to come across an HR person who actually does what he is recruited to do: make life simpler for the employees. Not that I can boast of having come across many HR people, as I try all means to avoid any form of contact with anyone who works in this department. As it turns out, that would be a futile attempt for me, as the HR department excels in avoidance therapy as and when it suits them. And this very avoidance therapy is what I am hoping will save my life if any HR person happens to read this post :P

It's bit of rude to those few who actually work. I have few of them as my friend. But here I want to mention that they have yet not reached the top position. This is true to many of HRs personals. Good read.