We tune in to Hello From the Evil Tavern, a podcast from a Foon conquered by the Dark Lord and hosted by his main emissaries, the trickster god Carnival Wilson who fell through a portal behind a Chick-Fil-A, the sorcerer Usidore the Black ("emmissary of the Dark Lord of Foon, fallen wizard of the realms of Ephysiyies, sorcerer bound of the Guyluntienth Clan, scourge of the Battle of 13 Armies, immolator of the wall of fire, disemboweler of the great dragon Kraziveski, defacer of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas, the fair folk know me as Fairfy Usolo, the orcs know me as Tombsas Nehsayja, and someday I will have names capable of tearing this world asunder") also known as Usidore the Black for his blindness; and Carnival’s life partner, Wendigo Wilson.

Both Wendigo and Usidore get an order of human flesh; Carnival passes. Carnival describes using the podcast to let Earth know what to expect when they’re conquered as well, but feels since they’ve conquered Foon, they haven’t been productive enough, even though Usidore says he stabbed seven horses and killed fourteen that morning and Wendigo says he killed some cats over the weekend after taking them to Handjob Highway (where you must complete a task with your hands or be eaten). Usidore also settled a maternity argument by eating the faces of everyone involved. Carnival laments the lack of child death in Foon.

Carnival apologizes for not introducing their guest, and a supportive Wendigo slips in his popular catchphrase, “bash bop”. Carnival says he hopes that Earth has gotten in on marketing for the podcast and made t-shirts with that, “Oh no, child”, “I want to talk about the stuff I’m going to do when I conquer Earth”, and Usidore’s full name. Usidore then repeats his name with slightly different secret names, almost as if he doesn’t quite remember what he said the last time.

Wendigo and Carnival have a very sweet evil smooching session. Usidore interrupts with the story of how he destroyed the wall of fire and killed Spintax the Blue, along with all the other wizards who turned on him when he tried to take their power. Usidore then explains he recently met a Spintax the Green from another realm who came there through a gem and narrowly escaped, after alerting Usidore to the presence of alternative versions of themselves. They also discuss how much they love Can the Green.

Carnival interrupts for a clarification of the difference between sorcerers and wizards (wizards are born, as a fallen wizard Usidore bound himself to a demon clan to get powers). Wendigo asks if the mirror version of Carnival has possession of the Solar Sword, but Usidore doesn’t know. They agree they should conquer these other realms with non-evil versions of themselves.

Wendigo brings out some evil whiskey from his distillery, Wendigo Whiskey. Everyone agrees “you can really taste the evil”.

Carnival introduces their evil guest, Tannakin the Terrible, who has just ended a war between the pinglets and dwarves with the eradication of the dwarves. They order her current favorite drink, the twilight liquor Tequila (te-kwi-lah) from Blemish; Carnival mentions that Tannakin murdered his dwarf half, apparently by cutting off his lower half so that he now crawls around the tavern.

Carnival asks about Tannakin’s new tattoos, a magic wand with hairs on the end representing all the dwarves she’s killed; and a shark with “moderate boobies” representing her mother. They discuss that Tannakin has been murdering small animals who are competing with her adorability. She also hates Wendigo’s friend Calzone Skull for the same reason. Wendigo and Carnival have apparently been in couples counseling with Doctor Ward, so Carnival is secure enough to accept Calzone Skull as one of Wendigo’s best friends.

Carnival asks Tannakin to fly adorably around the room before they go to a break.

After the sponsor break, Carnival asks Usidore for more info about the Guyoliet (pronunciation 3.0) clan of demons he’s bound to. They are minions of the Dark Lord, so to receive magical powers from them, Usidore gouged out his own eyes to show his fealty. He was previously a Yellow Wizard but unhappy with just dominion over time and space he tried to get all the other types of wizards’ powers, causing the wizards to strip him of his magic. As a sorcerer, his magic is that of Darkness and Destruction.

They try to order more human flesh but remember there’s an embargo, so Usidore gives them wine made from the blood of the Belaroth family. Carnival comments that he’s not much of a blood drinker since he’s still pretty much a regular human. Usidore asks why he became evil, but he and Wendigo cut Carnival off when he starts talking about his life in Evil Chicago, his evil improv group Bangarang, and the famous flat pizza.

Carnival asks Tannakin to murder someone and Wendigo sends her over to kill one of the Wed Mothers. Tannakin explains that she was set on the path to evil by being bullied growing up.

Carnival asks what her plan is for her next tattoo. She comments she doesn’t have much space as she is quite small, but that she’d like to get a frowny face. The pinglets now control the dwarven mountains, so Usidore asks Tannakin to find a gemstone that can be used to travel to other worlds so they can conquer new realms.

Carnival repeatedly corrects everyone calling him Carnie, including Wendigo, who wants to know why he was at the Chick-Fil-A in the first place; he says he was protesting protestors. Wendigo then asks him to show off his amazing math skills by giving a square root, which he does, while avoiding saying what number it’s the square root of.

Carnival asks Usidore about his love life, which he scoffs at. Carnival makes a case for the benefits of finding someone to share evil with, like he has with Wendigo. Wendigo suggests Usidore consider hooking up with Ken’lyviah, the other fallen wizard who is apparently quite handsome, but Usidore says Ken’lyviah is trying to resurrect the wizards and is therefore an enemy. Instead he suggests he may be able to find his equal in another realm, and instead of waiting for a gem he wants to try casting a spell to send them to this mirror Foon.

Usidore then rips off Carnival’s goatee, grows it back, rips it off again, and grows it back again just to make a point prior to attempting the spell. They all put their hands on the table as Usidore casts the spell. Carnival interrupts his casting by singing, causing it to go awry and filling the tavern with smoke. They realize they’re still in their dimension, but are surprised to discover a confused Tannakin with no tattoos who refuses to murder anyone. Wendigo thinks it’s a funny bit and suggests she come to Wendigo Wednesdays, when he tricks people into coming to the tavern and then eats their souls. A suspicious Usidore determines through magic that they’ve accidentally swapped Tannakins with the mirror world instead of going there themselves. They’re somewhat disappointed in non-evil Tannakin’s dancing, which is much less sexual.

They then read emails, which Carnival says they only bother with about twice a year. They happen to be the same emails recently received in other Foon.

From Kevin Bradshaw: what’s the worst thing you’ve changed into?Answer: “a slob around the house”; Usidore mentions when he was a stupid badger.

From Mark and Mary Nymphius who’ve given their real address, which Carnival reads aloud because he’s evil: can you give a summary of the last 70 episodes?Answer: “death, death, death, murder, death, destruction” followed by a quick summary

They decide not to kill non-evil Tannakin because her flying is still cute, and they may need her to get their Tannakin back.

In a post-credits sequence we hear from “our” Foon, where they discuss a successful episode interviewing Fizzle von Pizzlewich and learning about the Foo Fighters, only for a tattooed Tannakin to show up and attack an unwed mother.