My Final Post

I wake up every morning, not in terror like I did for a large portion of 2015, but with a heaviness knowing that I’ll yet again be dodging my seemingly recurrent, never-ending passive suicidal thoughts and anxiety. How will the day pan out, will I manage to do all of the things that are expected of me? I honestly can’t even remember how I used to get up and go to work, just letting my dogs out and taking my medications uses the majority of my morning time energy now.

I fear writing here, it’s true. As a friend of mine said to me weeks ago, this place (my blog) reeks of asshat and boy howdy, how fucking true that is. I sit here and start to feel like I’m being slowly swallowed by a giant whale and I struggle to breathe.

I am writing this now because I decided to face my fear today, however insane that it might seem to some to actually have a phobia of a STUPID FUCKING BLOG.

Asshat named it originally (who recalls KOBAF?) and helped me with some of my early ideas. He was supportive of my writing at first, but it was all subterfuge. His real area of interest was getting laid behind my trusting back.

It’s not him that I miss, no. Honestly, I feel I was given a tremendous gift the day I found out about what he was doing. What upsets me the most is that I DIDN’T SEE IT.

I don’t like being played for a fool, man.

Self forgiveness comes slowly for me and trust, not to mention abandonment issues, continue to plague my almost 6 month relationship with my wonderful boyfriend Steven. He is as understanding as any man can be given that his girlfriend suffers from some major PTSD and other fun mental health diagnoses. When I have one of my panic attacks, he’s always there to calm me down, reassure me and then give me a big ass hug.

I’m actually happy for you that you will be ending this blog. It brings back bad memories for you and that’s not good. I wouldn’t be so happy if I didn’t know you have another blog starting. I’m selfish that way. I know despite the daily struggle that you have with energy and bad thoughts that you are still better than you were before. All good things take time. You will take time because you are a good thing. ❤

I am better than I was, but I am so weary of this brain of mine. I don’t understand why, since the age of 14, I’ve entertained the idea of not being here anymore. It was gone for a bit, but now it’s back again.
And this blog needs to go bye bye. End of story.
Thank you. See you at the new place. ❤

Ahh, you are such a strong, loving, and giving woman, and I’m happy to have met you through blogging. Just wanted you to know that whether you blog or not (and I’ve already followed your new blog), and whatever you do, there is love and caring all around you.
Hope you don’t mind, but this song is for you…except instead of Mary, it’s Merry! You’re gonna make it after all. ❤