Jay Leno:"I don’t think Tiger Woods understands how things work. When his wife found out about the affair he asked if he could get a mulligan. That’s why Letterman doesn’t keep golf clubs in the house. Tiger’s wife took eight strokes but only wrote down five. They’ve already made a movie about it: ‘Crouching Tiger, Crunching Escalade.’" "Shopping was crazy. I had people pushing and shoving me, and I was shopping online." "Nancy Pelosi can’t roll her eyes without jiggling her breasts." "I fly Southwest and practically get a prostate exam, this couple sneaks into the White House with no problem." "Chelsea Clinton is engaged. Bill’s already planning the bachelor party." "A Georgia judge ruled that teachers can have sex with consenting 16-year-olds. And in Georgia a lot of those kids are home-schooled." Headlines:"Man Outlasts Madonna." Church bulletin: "Gold will lead us through the Valley of the Shadow of Death." Police blotter: "Woman found feces in her toilet, and she didn’t think she put them there." Guest Bill Maher:"Afghanistan? Once we invade a country we never leave. We still have 60,000 troops in Germany. Once we enter, we love you long time." "I’ve taken the most important step to be sure my credit card isn’t abused. I’m single." "The Vatican, against her stated wishes, released all Mother Teresa’s letters. Turns out she had a crisis of faith in 1979 and started stripping under the name Original Cindy."

Jon Stewart on the White House crashers: "Real Asswipes of Washington, D.C."

Stephen Colbert: "Our guest says our schools have become prisons. Not true. Many prisoners can read."

Conan O’Brien: "In Tiger Woods’ crash his airbags didn’t deploy. He was protected on all sides by big bags of $1,000 bills." "Sarah Palin is featured in a new children’s book. We now know who shot Bambi’s mother." "’Twilight’ has raked in $230 million, $12 of that from a guy. A psychiatrist said Bella’s affair with Edward has fifteen signs of an abusive relationship. #1, he’s a vampire. He’ll drink your blood." Andy Richter: "And then not call you the next day." "’The Gayest Christmas Pageant Ever’ has opened on Broadway. ‘Cirque de Soleil’ said, ‘Is that a dare?" "A woman delivered her daughter’s baby while continuing to cook Thanksgiving dinner. Just one mistake. The daughter’s now filled with Stovetop Stuffing."

Craig Ferguson: "Christmas spending is a little below expectations so far, but that’s before the diamonds Tiger Woods is going to have to buy his wife."

Wanda Sykes: "Someone was arrested at the L.A. airport with fifteen lizards taped to their chest. Oh, Lady Gaga, what will you do next?"

Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett, HarperCollins 2009: [Nutt, a dreaded orc, on how he was created.] “The Igors did it. And they put in something very strange. It’s a part of you that isn’t quite a part of you. They called it the Little Brother. It’s tucked deep inside and absolutely protected and it’s like having your own hospital with you all the time. I know that I was hit very hard, but the Little Brother kept me alive and simply cured things again. There are ways to kill an orc, but there are not many of them, and anyone trying them on a living orc is not going to have very much time to get it right. Does that worry you at all?” “No, not really,” said Glenda.

Share this:

Comments are closed.

The Place for Conversation Starters

When you are sitting around the water cooler every day, you can always start a conversation with your colleagues by saying “Guess what I saw it in the San Francisco Sentinel this morning.” You will sound brilliant and informed.

We scour the internet to find stories to inspire, inform or irritate. The Sentinel is your daily dose of business, politics, arts and news from the left coast.