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I'm also not going to start dating the obese. I'm only going to date those who take care of their bodies, as well as their minds to a level that I feel is on par with how I take care of both my mind and body. That was what I was saying.

Up,

Considering that the hiv meds can really do a number on a person's body, you might end up being quite lonely with that sort of attitude. I know quite a few women on the meds who have a hell of a time keeping their weight down - because of the meds, not because they don't take care of their bodies. Hiv meds can really disfigure a person. Can I suggest you look at the personality before you reject someone who is overweight?

I don't mean this to be an attack on you, by the way, I just wanted to point out that not all positive women who are heavy are that way because they're not taking care of their body.

Good luck mate, I hope you find a special someone to share your life with someday. Don't sell yourself short by dismissing someone who has a weight problem without getting to know them first - it just may be a result of the meds.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

What I'm suggesting here isn't that women who have HIV lack the qualities I found attractive in those I have dated in the past. What I'm saying is 1. I don't get to meet them. 2. The women I do meet are hardcore drug addicts and between about 12 of them, they could put together a full set of teeth. And 3. I'm not going to settle for dating HIV positive crack whores because they're the only HIV positive women I'm exposed to. I'm also not going to start dating the obese. I'm only going to date those who take care of their bodies, as well as their minds to a level that I feel is on par with how I take care of both my mind and body. That was what I was saying.

I'm curious. What sort of places do you hang out in? If the only positive women you’re meeting are "hard core drug addicts" and "whores", I mean…

Maybe you need to choose alternative places to socialize, if possible.

If everything you wrote above is true and you really do want to meet someone who has all the qualities you desire (which is absolutely your prerogative), and there don’t seem to be any such women where you are, and you’re not comfortable trying to meet someone from online, then you may well have to broaden your horizons where you socialize or even up sticks and move.

Extreme? Perhaps. Impossible? Why, no siree.

Most things are achievable if we’re not too afraid to make changes. Just saying.

Melia

PS: Bear in mind what Ann said too. She's an owl that one (as in wise old bird ...just kidding hon...don't give me a TO!). I have some fabulous friends, male and female (negative and positive) who are beautiful in every sense of the word. Beauty isn't only skin deep.

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/\___/\ /\__/\(=' . '=) (=' . '=)(,,,_ ,,,)/ (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Regarding Up` s post :Maybe he just want to say that it is hard to find HIV+ woman because they are( I think )more scared than we males are .Also if they have contracted virus in hetero way a majority would have their eyebrows raised with Q : " What kind of nasty thing did you do in past ?"................... forgetting that someone could catch a virus in some ways that could be just a bad luck : blood transfusion ( due to a hemophilia or some accident), or hetero relationship with a person who hide " his skeletons in a closet" .............but public opinion would not believe such a thing especially in a countries where prevalence of high risk group`s is > 90-95 %2 Cc Al

Kellispoppy, I tried to find your question but I am not sure where it was, can you ask again?

Sasa, regarding what the doc told your wife, that may have been maliscious, but I have heard the same thing (& my negative BF has been told the same thing) and we took it to mean: you two can have safe sex, and the virus will not be transmitted. I would check if this is what the doctor meant and whether he was trying to encourage your wife to sustain your marriage. Maybe I am naiive, I say this based only on my own experience....

I used to think "oh if only i were a gay man" when I was diagnosed, and that people considered me a slut (back then I thought I may have been infected by one of the 3 guys I had unprotected sex with). But, I think the "better to be gay" thing is highly indivudual. Probably better to be gay and poz in NYC or London or Amsterdam, because there is a large gay community, with a large percentage of poz people, and gays are accepted in society. What I see where I am from, from being active on HIV forums, neg gays are absolutely horrible to poz gays (you see posts such as "rot away and die" and things in that vein, beleive it or not). Why? because gays are generally not accepted, a large part of society is outright homophobic (and racist, and chauvinist), and so I suppose the poz gays reallt threaten the self-image of the neg gays. So right now I am happy being a woman (not that it mattered if I was happy or not since I can't do nothing about it).

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

I have been reading post after post and finally decicded to add my two cents. I dont think dating is any different then it was before I became poz. Of course I had a lot of sex back then but now just ease my mind and do it when she wants to. My GF is very attactive and she understands condoms and lube must always be used but she wanted to continue dating me b4 I became poz. We actually had sex during my serconversion luckily she is negative, thank god. Now I am home from college in her town and we still talk on the phone and arrange meetings half-way. It is hard being surrounded by homo- men in all the dating/chatting sites but they went through the sorst of pandemic and they deserve props. If there are any poz women here that want to email me they can do so @ john.young@park.edu Re: AIDSMEDS and I will reply. It is always nice to talk with others living with this.

I'm curious. What sort of places do you hang out in? If the only positive women you’re meeting are "hard core drug addicts" and "whores", I mean…

Maybe you need to choose alternative places to socialize, if possible.

I know it seems crazy that I would only be meeting women who fall into this category but it's not because I'm hanging out in skid row, or loitering in shooting galleries. I live in Vancouver, BC. As most people don't know, Vancouver is the worst place in the whole of the western world for HIV infections from IV drug use. If you're interested in seeing how truly terrible it is, go to www.google.com and look up "downtown east side." That should help to give you an idea of who most of the people in Vancouver (who aren't gay) are who are accessing HIV services.

Relocation is seeming like the best remedy to my situation but my family is out here and it's been really great having them so close...

White married ,middle aged male. Nobody except my wife and the doctor/clinic workers know. Not my employer (I had my annual physical today and I lied on the forms and to the company doc. about any conditions/and/or meds.) My two kids don't know (living at home 20 & 18 yrs old) none of my pfamily or friends know. I hope to take this secret to my grave.

Relocation is seeming like the best remedy to my situation but my family is out here and it's been really great having them so close...

I can totally relate to what you're saying about your family. And I hope you didn't mind me asking what I asked. I think most decisions are about prioritizing. I said this in a post in another thread that when faced with a decision, it often comes down to weighing up the pros against the cons and seeing which list is longer. As crass as that sounds, sometimes that's what it takes.And whatever decision we end up making, we rarely end up with absolutely everything we want. Yep, reality sometimes sucks.

Wishing you the best with your endeavours.Melia

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/\___/\ /\__/\(=' . '=) (=' . '=)(,,,_ ,,,)/ (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Hello All, long time no post from me! I'm a straight positive Male living in SA, I've been poz for 11.5 years and have yet to meet another straight pozitive male and have only met 2 poz females in SA, and both of them were through a website, and they both lived 1000kms away anyway.

There is VERY little in support groups of any sort here (especially Durban). Most poz people keep it to themselves which I did for the first 2 years, but now everybody that knows me knows my status, as do all my family members to, and no one has ever had a problem with it, altho I'm sure those that do not know me very well but do know my status have made assumptions as to how I got it!!

Even tho SA has one of the highest hiv rates in the world it does not make it any easier as the same assumptions are made here of hiv+ people, and amoungst both blacks and whites.... actually black people have it worse as there have been cases of hiv+ black people being cast out by their community, or indeed own family, and sometime ago even being stoned !!!

I have found dating extremely difficult, since being open about my status I have noticed I am not even considered dating material by negative women, despite having many really good female friends..... I've even heard the "I wish you weren't positive" line a few times. BUT, I have finally met someone who is also positive and we have spent a lot of time together recently... even tho she does now live in the UK she longs to come home to South Africa and we hope to make that happen somehow, but NO National Health here is a prob and she would lose her National Health cover if she leaves the UK. (we were both originally born there but grew up and lived in SA most our lives)

Anyway, just wanted to say how I totally relate to what many have said... and I would love to walk into a support group for ALL hiv+ People and to socialize with others who understand how I feel. To whoever thought SA might be better, I'd think again, hiv Stigma is very alive and well here!!

I dont understand the very negative attitude towards gay men, from a general tolerance perspective as well as from an HIV angle. Its because of the fight that gay men and women have conducted for over 20 years that those of us gay or straight who have this disease, can live more or less normal lives. Its because of the gay community that we have the support groups, education, medical research and programs that I and others like me have the meds that allow me to live and work and play and laugh.

I live in Vancouver and its a wonderful city. Its not where you live but how you live. Life is short, energy is best spent positively.

"and I use quotes to try and make the emphasis that some have this virus as the result of non-heterosexual activities in the past, but who otherwise lead straight lives"

This is something that really irritates me about gay men. This was posted in this thread and in another thread where a gay man asked heterosexuals how they were coping, it was suggested that they must have gotten it from a gay experience somewhere hidden deep in their closets of the past. It's catty, immature and disrespectful. If someone says they're straight, then they're straight and you are in no place to question whether or not that's true.

I don't think anyone likes their sexuality questioned whatever category you identify with or shade of grey inbetween you may or may not inhabit. I'll be the first to say I owe my life to the gay community. My therapist right after I got this was gay, and I'm almost certain my doctor is gay but I've never asked as it doesn't seem all that relevant. Nonetheless, I have had gay hiv+ men question my sexuality and I think it was a bit shocking as it was the last group I expected to receive judgement from. I don't think anyone here is saying all gay men are like this, but we are discussing prejudices we encounter and it is a real impression that exists. We expect your average straight person who hasn't a clue about HIV/AIDS to be judgemental, but we don't really expect that from your average gay person.

Anyway, I think this site is proof enough that there are plenty of non-judgemental gay men out there, which is why I keep hanging around.

Peter B,

I found your post very interesting and a bit shocking that this sort of stigma persists in South Africa of all places. And I've had negative women say some strange stuff to me too (roll eyes).

Peter i am so shocked and disappointed to find that things are that bad in SA. i had this nice - and clearly way off the mark - vision that SA would be a lot more understanding and tolerant simply because of the numbers of +ve folks there. i am very saddened to know that this is not the case. thank you for posting and i wish you all the best.

"I'm not keen on the idea of the afterlife - not without knowing who else will be there and what the entertainment will be. Personally I'd rather just take a rest." Oscar Berger, PWA: Looking AIDS in the Face, 1996. RIP.

We expect your average straight person who hasn't a clue about HIV/AIDS to be judgemental, but we don't really expect that from your average gay person.

Whyever not? Gay men and lesbians are prone to all the same sorts of prejudices that any other group are. Some of the most obnoxiously racist people I've ever encountered have been white gay men. Not to mention mysogynistic.

Well, no doubt Matty, but you'd think that if someone has been persecuted and judged for being gay they wouldn't turn around and do the same to someone else. That is why. I don't think being attracted to one's own sex automatically endows someone with enlightenment, this is for sure. But I think some of the more open minded people I've met were either gay or transgendered in some way, and it is precisely because of the crap they've had to deal with from others judging them all too often.

Well, no doubt Matty, but you'd think that if someone has been persecuted and judged for being gay they wouldn't turn around and do the same to someone else. That is why.

Well Brian, you'd think lots of the things, but it don't make 'em so. Very often persecuted groups turn around and exercise exactly the same sort of power over others that has been exercised over them.

As I read this post I am struck by a number of themes that seem to run through it and I would simply like to offer the following as food for thought.

Until you learn to stop labeling people, you will always find yourself at odds with another's view of themselves, because each of us are so unique. Unless you can accept that we all have HIV, no matter how we contracted it and accept each of us based on this simple truth, you will find yourself constantly focusing on the wrong part of people.

So many of you lament what your local ASOs lack and I have to ask each of you: When was the last time you advocated for increased funding and services??? If you voted Republican in the past two elections you are directly responsible for the underfunding of HIV services in America for the last 6 years. The Republican-controlled Congress is more interested in protecting our oil interests overseas than they will ever be about caring for pozzies. What did you think would happen when the party so many of you elected used the "gay" card to help win the elections?. If they hate gays so much (and they loath us) why would you think they would properly fund HIV services, when HIV is still considered a "gay" disease. Saddest of all, is that even after 4 years of underfunding HIV services, over half of America still voted to let these people continue to kill AMERICANS with HIV, by denying the basic care that all pozzies need.

So rather than complaining about what you do not have, get off your duffs and make some waves. One person can make a huge difference and all it takes is that you care enough to do something, ANYTHING. This is what is known as empowerment and there is absolutely no reason that a new legion of AIDS activists could not arise to once again demand the HIV services that are so desperately needed.

My last thought would be to encourage some of you to look deeper for the true meaning of life. Beauty is only skin deep and fades with time and ugly is to the bone. Try to stop looking to fall in "lust" and instead try to make a friend that may represent a real future for you. Take the time to look and learn what makes a person truly desirable. Looks are fine, but the person really had little to do with that, as we are all a product of the genetic lottery. What matters is how the person uses their talents and abilities to become a well rounded human being. Stop insisting on the "perfect" mate, because perfection does not exist, nor are you perfect and if you cannot learn to adapt to others foibles in life, then I suspect you will be a very lonely person.

Above all, many of you need to stop the pity party. I do not say this to be mean, rather to be realistic. Yes having HIV sucks, it screwed the hell out of your life and at times you wonder if all this crap is even worth the effort. However, the bottom line is you have HIV and since that will never change, you must decide on how you will live your life from here on out. You can wallow in self-pity and I guarantee you will become like some of my acquaintances who have allowed themselves to become bitter and miserable people, because they will not take responsibility for their own life.

It is your life and you control your own destiny. You can ignore that truth and plod through life, or you can accept that truth and harness your energy to chart your own course. Only you can decide if you will lead, follow, or just wander aimlessly. It really is that simple.

stigma is stigma whether its gay stigma or HIV or any other type of stigma....

stigma is Fear that is expressed often in different levels of manifestation.

and to be honest, because of our good world leaders, and society .....a heterosexual person, get both, the gay stigma and the HIV stigma.....which means, no ones better than another just because of thier preferences, thier incomes, etc....until the world is shown something different, expect the same from them to continue*

Thanks to everyone who responded to this topic. While it is unfortunate so many of us feel isolated it is somwhat comforting to know that I am not the only one. The dating/relationship thing has been the most difficult aspect of this for me. I am very healthy and expect to live a long time. I work, pay my bills, have good credit, look good, ect. ect. and it is very frustrating to be having such a hard time meeting people. Has anyone else found the internet dating thing to be a real zoo?? I have been on a few sites for a while but find only 6 or 7 women in my area (Minneapolis) . I know there are at liest hundreds of us around here. Where are they all. Then there is the large number of frauds on the sites who say they are from the U.S. and then say they are in Africa on business or something and want money. Their pictures are not evern real. I think that this is very unfair. Some sites have done a pretty good job of blocking these types. I went to a local agency today that helps hiv infected people with many things. They have no knowledge of a hetero group in this area. I am considering starting one my self. If anyone reading feels the same as I do feel free to email me. It would be good to make some new friends and get different perspectives on this subject. John. jlongman05@msn.com

Wow. This has unfolded into such an interesting thread (and not just because it’s managed to lure some more heterosexual positive folk out of the closet… ).

I've been following it for several days and there were lots of comments that I was ready to respond to. And I know that essentially the thread question was about heterosexuals and how they live with HIV. And some really interesting points have been raised.

However, in the end (and since I last posted in this thread), this is what stood out most to me (especially for those of you who aren’t seeing what you want to see, in terms of HIV support groups or services etc and for those of you struggling with your demons):

So rather than complaining about what you do not have, get off your duffs and make some waves. One person can make a huge difference and all it takes is that you care enough to do something, ANYTHING.

Hear hear, Joe! And this approach can be applied to any situation, not just the state of HIV services et al. For a long time now I have been of the mindset: If you are not prepared to be a part of the change you wish to see, then you have no right bitching about the changes that are not happening. It’s the same principle for people who can but don’t use their vote; if you don’t vote, then don’t complain about the things your government fail to improve.

Don’t forget, people: It has only been about 80 years since all women were allowed the right to vote. But women had to fight for that right for about 100 years and it wasn’t an easy battle.

How long do you think the atrocious state of affairs for people living with and dying from HIV/AIDS will be allowed to continue, if the majority of us just continue to sit back and let it do so?

Above all, many of you need to stop the pity party. I do not say this to be mean, rather to be realistic. Yes having HIV sucks, it screwed the hell out of your life and at times you wonder if all this crap is even worth the effort. However, the bottom line is you have HIV and since that will never change, you must decide on how you will live your life from here on out. You can wallow in self-pity and I guarantee you will become like some of my acquaintances who have allowed themselves to become bitter and miserable people, because they will not take responsibility for their own life.

It is your life and you control your own destiny. You can ignore that truth and plod through life, or you can accept that truth and harness your energy to chart your own course. Only you can decide if you will lead, follow, or just wander aimlessly. It really is that simple.

Joe, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Melia

« Last Edit: May 23, 2007, 12:02:05 PM by sweetasmeli »

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/\___/\ /\__/\(=' . '=) (=' . '=)(,,,_ ,,,)/ (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

1.The hospital condition there are horrible – like a “Fly over a coockoo nest “ . Only 3 doctors with more than a 500 active-on therapy , and 1200 occasionaly paccients , lausy food , 22 beds WITH ONLY 4 SHEETY TOILETS AND ONE BATHROOM , lousy windows and radiators , 50 % of patients are a intravenous drug users , who have their fix even in a dining room , lot of steeling , ……………….and medical sisters who doesn`t care too much due to a poor wages……………………………

2.And because I don`t have a job I could not go anywhere else out of my country - my country is notorious due to a war state in a past 15 years and every country wants a visa to go in ,and it is hard to get it without a job.

3.I`m socially secured thru my wife and she is working in an Institute where anybody wants to KNOW EVERYTHING about ENYBODY.At the top of that from the next year all citizens must have a social card with a bar-code so that everyone could see what kind of ilness they have due to a fact that a information about my ilness are not restricted in my country.

4.My wife is now-and-then with her parents and her brother and his wife and she is been questioning all the time about me...................

5.OVERHERE 99% OF PRIVATE PRACTICIONERS/DOCTORS DO NOT WANNA MESS UP WITH hiv+ BECAUSE THEY WOULD LOOSE THEIR NORMAL PATIENTS IF A RUMOUR SPREAD UP....................sorry about the caps ......did not ment to be unpolite..........

6.Social funds were stolen and consumed for a private purposes, and no one was brough to trial for that.

7. There is a shortage of supply of medicine drugs , and some of it are a pure SF to us .....(Procrit , PCP nebulizer......last HAART generation ) ,and also a applied technology devices ( CT scan....)

8.We do get a money but no one knows for shure where that money ends

http://www.thebody.com/cdc/news_updates_archive/2006/nov8_06/global_fund_serbia.htmlor worse we do not get any money or drugs because our goverment does nor five a damn about HIV (our state healht ministry was in N.Y just at the time when a global HIV conference was held in Oct. but he did not want to be present.Or worse we do not get a money because of quarreling between the officals..........or because we did not srrested our war criminals which has been prosecuted by the Hague tribunal.And in two supporting groups , there are kids (neggies ) who automatically direct you to your GP.

9.A some few years ago almost all of Serbian hemophiliacs were infected with HIV due to a import of contaminated African blood (government was avoiding to import blood from moresecured countries due to a higher prices )Instead of suing the state , all of them were advised to shut up , because nobody would believe them without proper evidences.

10.And a recent news: a Supreme court Of the State of Serbia was obligated to pay a 14000E~ 17000$ to a mother .That mother HIV+ was prohibited to see her only child for a period of 8 years , just because she is +http://www.blic.co.yu/hronika.php?id=347

11.Shortage of medicine supply and stopping it when your CD is round 500-600( 250 two years ago). By that I mean not just HAART shortage but also other medicine like Fluconazole , and some newest treatments are a SF to us over here.

12.Poor overall medical state ( I was yesterday in the control and a doctor was talking to a colleague how to provide a pension for a certain patient with 30 years of working , removed spleen , diabetes and HIV because the commission would not admit that he has enough reasons to go for an disability pension )

13.There is NO gracefull death for us in Serbia because in a two-million city of Belgrade there is a shortage of intensive health care bed departments due to a wasted social funds.And that kind of beds with lung-heart machine or oxygen are always reserved for the people with cardiac diseases , or a stroke , or cancer , or for some local (or state) politician..............we are at the clear end of a line.................................

14.Until three years ago there was a refunding period for drugs overhere meaning :If you wanna be cured you have to pay ~ 35000 euro ~ 42000 dollars at your first year , and then after 12 months that money would be given to you by social insurance , but always with a loss due to a inflation.And if you did not have the money..............lots of previous patients have sold their houses to be cured for the first year.......................and believe me it is true also.................

15.There is a kid HIV+ who attends a school near us.He is alone in his class and school dep. has changed all waterpipes in school to a electronically controlled because of him.He has no frends at all.

17.Quote a letter from a dear friend two months ago :"I met a man from Serbia online. He is gay, and said he wanted desperately to meet someone from the U.S.A. so that he could possibly develop a strong relationship with and move to this country. His reason was because he said his country is very anti-gay, and full of hate for gay people. He also said how bad the medical care is for HIV people. He described many of the same conditions that you have. It is difficult for me to imagine that life is like this for people in other countries. I am very blessed to be living here. Some people here think they have it bad. They just do not know how lucky they really are. "

18.VL and CD4 device are broken , no resistance test

19.In Serbia a goverment is already in fear of a collapsed social system : not to mention who would be first to strike if it come true.They have already printed a donation bills along with comunal ones for all households to donate for a fight against AIDS .Minute later they have ended in garbage can with famous reply :" Damn ******* , They have got what they have deserved.I got a kids to look after , not to give them........., or I`m going to save that money when I`m ill"

20.Stigma overhere is enormous.There was a man Ivan Radojicich who was attempting something like fighting the system and public opinion, but seeing what is happening ( his little daughter although she is - , was enforced to give a blood test for a 4 times...............by other parents in a kindergarten),he had to stand off the fight and now he only lead an radio emission on miner local radio at Thursday from 2-4 AM ...........................

Do you want more ?

Now before anyone said that I`m doing pity party or that I`m not trying hard without booze , recreational drugs , or else, I `m inviting him to come and be my guest here for a month and see if it is true or not.I have great respect and admiration for all LTS overhere , but I just do not know how I`m alive due to all that facts.........I would give all that I could go freely out and said : " FU I have AIDS so what? "But due to my children I cannot do that..............

it is great to hear others making the same kind of statements i have been making when it comes to advocasy. recently another member asked me to start a thread on aids activism forum about "getting involved" so that those that wanted could have a source of organizations in their state that they could contact. that was my purpose, however the response has been weak. apparently no one goes to this forum unless they are bored !

anyway, my motto for the past 13 years of advocasy has been "what services are going to be around when i need them?" from the moment i got connected to my ryan white network, i found myself empowered with the belief that i could make a difference in my own dservices as well as others. now i sit on the board of my ASO & aids treatment center. that helps to further my points when doing legislative visits both in my state and in DC.

sooner or later folks need to wake up and understand that things are changing with services, and not for the best. and it is coming sooner than they think, just with regard to transportation services. i wonder how folks will feel the first time they want to take that cab to a support group meeting and their ASO won't approve it anymore. or when they want to get a bus token for a case manager appointment (limited support services) just to talk to him/her about medicare part D questions they have, and the agency won't provide it.

gotta say my experience is of being the odd one out. where i live in england (and i suspect elsewhere as well) it is as if there are no other white heterosexuals out there. in some ways i blame the fact that they are all hiding somewhere, but actually i wonder if there are any others out there! i think it's probably quite likely that people who are at risk think they are not because they are heterosexual, and i have spoken to doctors about not making this assumption too.

i can count the number of + white heterosexuals i know on one hand. i have met some wonderful + gay guys and i am so grateful for them for just being there, but although that they have been there as much as they can for me it is strange not having anyone 'like me' around. i had a conversation in a gay bar on saturday where a -ve gay guy asked me as i was straight why was i in there, and i replied that it was because i felt less of a minority in there as a + person, even tho i had no idea whether anyone else in the bar was + or not the cultural view of me in there was gonna be less that i was 'typhoid mary'. sadly tho even in that bar i think i am the only publicly + person some of those young guys know. and i think that the denial of this disease hitting all of us is getting worse among young gay guys as well as straight people.

i feel my sense of isolation getting worse... hiv support services in my area have just been awarded to the black health initiative (which is mainly a support network for refugees and asylum seekers) so i think that the chances of any new + white heterosexuals deciding to try to access services is greatly reduced. at a meeting recently i have never felt so isolated. it was a crazy situation where the room divided between gays and the token heteros, and the immigrants. basically every time we said anything we were accused of being racist. it was really upsetting and i felt like i never want to access any services ever again as i felt so victimised. and my gay friends felt the same.

there are so many of us with this thing with so many different needs that sometimes the limits on the support and funds becomes devisive. although i have never felt anything but welcome by the gay community i now fear a split in the uk along race lines. the needs of us who have jobs and health service are completely different from those who have real concerns that they will be deported or homeless or have language difficulties. unfortunately in that room it appeared that some thought there was not room for both of us. i'm not entirely sure why, but i would hazard a guess that it was thought by some that we (whites) had no problems compared to theirs. which is a shame because we should all be supporting each other.

the other thing about being hetero and + is that it is sooooo difficult to date. i disclose on a first date if i want a second date, but havent had much luck. also as i am 'out' to a lot of people it would take a brave person to go out with me knowing that others knew my status. that having been said, i wasnt exactly overrun with guys before my diagnosis so things havent changed that much! i havent had a long term relationship since my diagnosis and i am still unsure whether i want one, and if so with a + or a -. am just gonna wait and see what happened, cant say it rules my life.

so, apologies for a bit of a long-winded response to your question. in short, for me being hetero and + is maybe a bit more lonely in a big city in a social sense than being gay and + as it's harder to meet others, but if you have lots of lovely friends (which i do) then it is ok. i dont think that my experience is any more isolating than a lot of people have experienced being gay and + in a rural area. i do worry now though about those newly diagnosed or in denial. i dont think they know where to go where i live. hopefully they will find out about this wonderfult site!!

apologies again for the long answer

lovexxx

I understand completely . The only support groups i have been able to go to here in atlanta have been like 30 blacks and me and 1 other caucasion with me being the only hetero that i could tell. They do seem to think being a caucasion hetero we have life on a silver platter :s. Its not the case we are all sufferring the same fate and and uncertainty . I have wanted to start something for us hetero caucasions but it would get shut down for discrimination here in the US

Anyway i just wanted to sound off and say u arent alone. Stay strong and never give up the fight i guess. I personally welcome the end myself but thats another story (

I have to admit that when I was first diagnosed, I wanted to join a support group, and went to the BCPWA (British Columbia Persons with Aids) Society meetings. I even signed up for a retreat that they do every year ( I was supposed to go with a female hetero friend, who bailed) so I did not go either as it was too soon post diagnosis for me.

However, i did go to one of the evenings at the BCPWA but did not stay long. I think I was the only hetero male there. I did not feel comfortable I have since then gone to one other event, with this female friend who has been poz for a long time, and she knew a lot of people there so it was more comfortable for me as well. Now that its been 2 years for me, I would feel more cpmfortable So I guess what I am saying is that going into a primarily gay group so early after diagnoses might have been too soon. I needed to get settled with the disease in my life first.

My husbdand has just found out that he is positive and just started meds. I am negitive. When we first found out I was quite shocked. But I just told myself that what is done is done and you can not change the past. If there was anytime in our relationship that he truely needed me this is the time. I love my husband and even with his faults. We all have faults and we all make mistakes. I would have to say that I am his support as most of our friends do not know and none of our family knows other then me. I get my support from this forum. We have our best friends that know and they are great. I am actually looking for someone that I can talk to on yahoo messanger that I can talk to without having to wait on responces from the forum but I just dont know anyone. I was hoping there would be a group or something on there but I cant find one. I dont know if it is different in the gay community as you say but Im sure it probably is. I have learned that the gay community is more open and understanding then a "straight" community is.

well my wife and i are both positive so i don't know if we represent the kind of support from the heterosexual community you're looking for, but we are here for you just the same.

i know after my fiance passed in 1989, i was in your husbands shoes while trying to date negative women. there sure are allot of responcibilities to consider when being with a negative partner, and the pressure to make sure when having sex that all opportunities are safe can be overwhelming.

the difference though for me was that i had the choice to keep relationships going or not, where you folks are married. but whether you are married or not, to be responcible for passing this virus on to another, especially your loved one, is not something we poz's take lightly.

so i just want you to know that here in the forums there are hetero's who will support you and help you in any way we can.

i'm sorry this happened in your marriage but it is not the end of the world. please do your best to communicate your feelings & fears to one another, and love will find a way.

Kelli, To me it doesnt matter who I get support from, gay, straight, married, single. To me it is the fact that there are people out there that support me in the decision I made to support my husband. That is really what I need. I dont want to ever get to the point that I regret the choice I made about all of this. The people that I talk to in here make me feel great about my choice to stand by my husband and not run away like a scared chicken. I am scared but there is a difference between being scared and just being selfish. I am trying to do not only what is best for me and my family but also for my husband. I know he needs me and appreciates me and that is what I am focusing on.

Hello hetero woman here. I think the hardest thing is the dating aspect. I'm in a relationship with a man who was infected. Its a bumpy relationship as you might have read in some of my other posts. We go through the on again/off again periods so I have tried dating. (We are in the "off again" currently). It is very difficult when I get to that point when your ready to move onto the next step and I reveal that I tested positive. I get left in the dust which is really painful obviously. It happened a few times.

As far as support systems, I have great faith,family, friends, co-workers and this site which keeps me sane.My sister and her partner were really strong pillars in the beginning. She was one of the first people I told and she went with me to my first doctor's visit. She also had a lot of people get in touch with me from the gay community who are infected. They became a new extension of family. I was really honored, for some people their status was confidential, but put their trust in me because they wanted me to know that I was not alone.

Sorry, can't answer the sex drive question regarding meds since I am not on them.

just got to say i really understood your comments about the way it felt when you disclose and then watch the rug catch fire as the feet burn rubber on their way out the door. just has to be the worst feeling in the world.

but keep your chin up, and please don't settle for just anyone. maintain your values and priorities you expect in a mate. the best is yet to come.

besides, your a jersey girl, probably beach bronzed to the max. i will be down in ocean city 7/9 just to get rejuvenated by that jersey shore. maybe we'll cross paths.

In my case, I actually had my best friend (straight and married) disclose to the small circle of friends, all of whom are straight, that we have who meet on a fairly regular basis. I knew that she would handle it well and she did. Its interesting in that I have "friends" from other parts of my life (the athletic one) that I cannot disclose to at all.