3 boys, a handful of careers, lots and lots of pro bono work

My question for the universe today: why are we using moral language about babies?

I’ve never been quite sure how to respond to this question:“is he a good baby?” Or really even to the statement “what a good baby!”It’s not that I’m not grateful, I am. I’m sure that somewhere out there, there might be less good babies? Okay, I’m not at all sure that’s true.

(aside: this reminds me of asking The Thinker if he knew the difference between white meat and dark meat chicken. He said slyly ” dark meat come from evil chickens?” I think he was hoping this would be true, I chalk it up to star wars brain. Suffice it to say, I’m aware that there are parents out there loving babies with colic and teenager with drug addictions. Globally, I have no problems whatsoever with my offspring…)

For a while I tried thanking people, but I’ve decided that sounds snide or ungrateful or something I don’t wish to sound to anyone at Starbucks, at work, at church, out with my friends, or really anywhere. It’s sounds like I have a knack for popping out good babies and really, I don’t…anyone who remembers when my second child was a baby will know this is true…babies cry and cry and cry, even the good ones. (once again, the limits of the English language ensnare me, what do evil babies do?)

Recently I’ve gone the vigorous agreement route. Are you familiar? “Oh, yes, he’s very good, no trouble at all, etc, etc” This does the trick with people in the universe who are out there wanting me to know how good my life is. (Okay, okay, I know!). This technique also assumes correctly that people really mean “easy to care for” when they say good, and all I can say is that each of mine has been easy in his own special way, for varying lengths of time – and that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, so you do the math…

Most commonly now I’ve been trying out this “Why yes, he is a good baby. We’re totally keeping him.”What do ya’ think?

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It’s also curious to me that in addition to being moral about babies we are moral about food. This is bad (in act of eating brownie) this is good (in act of eating salad). Food is not moral. It is just food. So what is it in the way humans are wired that we relate to these basic experiences of life (taking care of children and eating) through a moral lens? I’ve also been asked if I am a good painter. I suppose I could start saying, “no I am an evil painter” just to mess wit’ ’em. Who asks that of an artist anyway?

It’s also curious to me that in addition to being moral about babies we are moral about food. This is bad (in act of eating brownie) this is good (in act of eating salad). Food is not moral. It is just food. So what is it in the way humans are wired that we relate to these basic experiences of life (taking care of children and eating) through a moral lens? I’ve also been asked if I am a good painter. I suppose I could start saying, “no I am an evil painter” just to mess wit’ ’em. Who asks that of an artist anyway?

Great blog! made me think that maybe we say ” good baby” because we want to catch on what please us so we can say be good and they will know what is expected of them. Of course this is very incremental learning and it is alsways changing. dad 1/22/07

Great blog! made me think that maybe we say ” good baby” because we want to catch on what please us so we can say be good and they will know what is expected of them. Of course this is very incremental learning and it is alsways changing. dad 1/22/07

Weissbluth uses the word “easy,” in that 40% of babies are easy, 40% have “common fussiness,” and 20% have “extreme fussiness.” (Note how the “bad” babies get nouns while the “good” ones get an adjective.) By “easy” he refers to the cluster of attributes that tend to go together (mood, adaptability, and two more – I forget what they are now). I figure that Bub was somewhere around the 80th percentile of fussiness – he didn’t quite have colic, but almost. In some ways, he was more demanding than a classic colicky baby because he didn’t have fussy periods – he just demanded constant stimulation all day. For awhile, my coping mechanism with that was to convince myself that we were very lucky to have such an easy baby. Once I came out of denial, I remember finding it quite comforting when a friend who had the most placid baby I’ve ever seen told me that after an unusually rough day she had said to her husband, “If I can’t do this for one day, I don’t know how [Bubandpie] survives!” Some people might have found that remark offensive, but I remember feeling very validated.

Weissbluth uses the word “easy,” in that 40% of babies are easy, 40% have “common fussiness,” and 20% have “extreme fussiness.” (Note how the “bad” babies get nouns while the “good” ones get an adjective.) By “easy” he refers to the cluster of attributes that tend to go together (mood, adaptability, and two more – I forget what they are now). I figure that Bub was somewhere around the 80th percentile of fussiness – he didn’t quite have colic, but almost. In some ways, he was more demanding than a classic colicky baby because he didn’t have fussy periods – he just demanded constant stimulation all day. For awhile, my coping mechanism with that was to convince myself that we were very lucky to have such an easy baby. Once I came out of denial, I remember finding it quite comforting when a friend who had the most placid baby I’ve ever seen told me that after an unusually rough day she had said to her husband, “If I can’t do this for one day, I don’t know how [Bubandpie] survives!” Some people might have found that remark offensive, but I remember feeling very validated.

Thanks for visiting! My second had what is called silent GERD – all the reflux with none of the spitties. For a long time it seemed that he was just an unhappy person, but only sometimes. He’d be so placid and calm one minute and then shrieking the next….he’s still kind a like that, just an explosive personality, only we’ve dealt with the medical issue. My little bear is what one would have to call “good” on Weissbluth’s scale, only we’re gonna have to teach him to sleep the night through, and soon, before I’m too tired to operate heavy machinery (like the tea kettle.)

Thanks for visiting! My second had what is called silent GERD – all the reflux with none of the spitties. For a long time it seemed that he was just an unhappy person, but only sometimes. He’d be so placid and calm one minute and then shrieking the next….he’s still kind a like that, just an explosive personality, only we’ve dealt with the medical issue. My little bear is what one would have to call “good” on Weissbluth’s scale, only we’re gonna have to teach him to sleep the night through, and soon, before I’m too tired to operate heavy machinery (like the tea kettle.)

Hello there! Heather just tipped me off to your blog, and I’m glad she did. My husband and I had our first baby this year and vowed we would never say “he’s being so good” etc when what we meant was “he’s not crying” etc. But…English really needs to be updated I guess, because we still fall into the traps all the time. I totally agree with you though.

Hello there! Heather just tipped me off to your blog, and I’m glad she did. My husband and I had our first baby this year and vowed we would never say “he’s being so good” etc when what we meant was “he’s not crying” etc. But…English really needs to be updated I guess, because we still fall into the traps all the time. I totally agree with you though.