Wedding on television?? That's crazzzzzy! They're going to wind up like Darva Conger!

...but I did think...

WHY THE HELL DID VH1 ORDER ANOTHER SEASON OF MY FAIR BRADY??

OK, then there's another part of me that wonders if this is a big joke/publicity stunt. Is this like Nick and Jessica stringing us along for all that time even with all the speculation that they were dunzo?? Like, seriously...Is Adrianne really just bonking Constantine from American Idol while C-Knight does videos for boyband-disguised-as-rockband The Click Five? Maybe Adrianne is actually his beard and he's bonking some guy in The Click Five.

Only time will bring us the truth about Our Fair Brady and Future Mrs. Brady.

* No, Kim is not recording a bumpin demo with the Neptunes and has no involvement with Chad Hugo as far as I know. This is a reference to my sixth grade play, Bye Bye Birdie. Ten bucks says that Katey knew that without this blurb. That's so homo.

28 November 2005

Thanks to shitparade for tuning me onto fourfour, as well as the new music video by MGMT (formerly, The Management). Also, thanks to Fiddy Cent for saying "no homo" to gays in the rap industry. JUST WAIT until he hears the Mirror Boiyz.

"Being gay isn't cool - it's not what the music is based on. There's always been conflict at the centre of hip-hop, because it's all about which guy has the competitive edge, and you can't be that aggressive if you're gay."- Fiddy Cent

And that concludes today's lesson. I hope you all are planning to stay tuned to see what happens to our lovely models post-Kim. Also have you seen that wikipedia keeps adding names of models as they are eliminated. WEIRD! Is Nicole the winner because her name has been released? Or is Nik the winner because she has a celebrity publicist? You better stay tuned to find out!

On another note, were you invited to Eva Pigford's 21st birthday? Missy Elliott was.

If you're into the gender binary, then you should be certain that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are going to have a baby boy!! She bought blue things!!!! She will put these blue things on something called "William Oscar". If the thing that she was going to put blue things was going to wear pink things, they would have named it "Ella Elizabeth".

Tomorrow night is the The Real World: Austin reunion show, so it's time for a little "Where Are They Now: Austin Crimes Edition". Now it just wouldn't be The Real World without a few misdemeanors, but the Austin cast definitely took things to a new level.

A quick recap:

Danny was punched in the face by some dude on the street. As a result, he needed surgery to correct a collapsed eye socket and continues to have vision problems.

Nehemiah punched the owner of "Best Wurst" not because of the terrible processed-meat pun, but because Nehemiah's a drunken asshole and thought that people were cutting him in line or some crap. Supposedly he was yelling, "You ain't never going to be on The Real World", which doesn't even make sense unless the middle-aged cart-owner expressed an interest in signing up for the show. Anyway, N spent 12 hours in jail before posting the $3,000 bail.

Johanna stole a rose from a street vendor while drunk and was charged with public intoxication.

Where are they now? (according to the Austin American-Statesman):

Lucky for Danny, the producers of RW released footage of the puncher to local police. The perpetrator was arrested and awaits trial. He posted the $15,000 bail and is facing up to 20 years in jail.

Nehemiah's trial is on 5 December, and he's looking at up to a year in jail and an anger-management class.

Johanna pleaded nolo, and the charge was dropped after she completed 16 hours of community service and an alcohol education class.

The Real World: law-enforcement's wurst nightmare

Personally, I'm surprised that the douchiest cast member of all, Wes, didn't get into any trouble. I guess it doesn't really matter, because karma's a bitch. You'll be the first to know when I hear that Wes was struck by lightening or involved in a freak gasoline-fight accident.

You'd think that record execs would call it quits for children singing covers of popular songs after Kidz Bop. But no...just when you thought it was sort of safe to go outside, a bunch of children start singing "Gasolina" and "Oye Mi Canto" through your computer speakers. Beware of the REGGAETON NINOS, my people. They come complete with a music video with bad special effects, "hot" dance moves, and a ten year old female Latina rapper named P-Star.

Now here's the shocker. I hate reggaeton, but for some reason...I find them fascinating. Much like the Kidz Bop version of "Float On", the song "Oye Mi Canto" becomes much better when you add a bunch of children to it.

It appears that Jessica Simpson is quite the comedian. She almost had her own sitcom. How do I know this? sweetkisses.net. How did I get onto sweetkisses.net? I have no idea. But you should be thankful that I did...because now you can see the comic genius that is Jessica Simpson. The sad part is that I actually laughed.

26 November 2005

While my Thanksgiving break involved many old white people blaming society's problems on 50 Cent, I knew there must be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Just when I thought all hope was lost...the light came in the modern-day equivalent of Jesus...Lindsay Lohan, of course!!!And it makes great news for the 200th post of totesumbrellas!!!

Her new album, A Little More Personal (Raw), has leaked!!! (cop it @ rapidshare link 1 : link 2) So you may wonder what a boy stuck in NJ with no automobile or cell phone does...and I provide you the answer. Said boy listens to Lindsay Lohan at 2:55am.

And the last thing classically trained violinists want to be is gay! Obviously, Snoop Dogg and Jadakiss wouldn't roll with you if you were GAY. And I don't mean gay as in, like, homosexual...I mean gay as in bad. PARIS...this is what you're giving up showing the world you have talent for????

It's okay Paris. I'd give anything to have Snoop on my track too.

On another note on talented musicians. Go to this page. Click on "Creed's Greatest Hits". Then attempt to find said hits. Can't find them? Because they don't exist.

19 November 2005

OK, so I just want to point out that this is a combination of literally all my favorite guilty pleasures...Buffy? Peanuts? Teen Drama? YES!!!

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For fans of Buffy, Lost, American Pie, The O.C., Phone Booth and The Aviator, you have the chance to see some of your favorite stars in this off-off Broadway production of "Dog Sees God," a playful 'What if?' that takes place when your favorite comic strip characters are teenagers and the beloved beagle (Snoopy) is dead.

Synopsis: Dog Sees God - A Confession of a Teenage Blockhead is set approximately ten years after the events of the beloved and ever loveable comic strip. The gang is back, teenage and reckless, their minds addled with drugs and hormones, their sex drives understandably in overdrive, coming of age and coming out in a smart, funny, poetic, irreverent and touching examination of what it means to be on the brink of adulthood in an all too-scary adult world.

Discount tickets available at 39.50 (usually 65.00) for performances through January 29. Use coupon code DG39DML at telecharge got home. Now playing at The Century Center - 111 East 15th Street, NYC. (ust blocs from Unio Square, in the heat of the Village)

18 November 2005

PERSON: why!!!!!!!! is kim still there?she's so uglyno one would use her to modelshe's only on the show because she's "lesbian"which I doubt she really is.she's being lesbian like TATU...(for attention and fame)*rolls eyes*_________________________________

REPLY: I keep hearing this theory, but it just doesn't hold water. After all, Michelle was gay. Did they keep her "too long" (in YOUR opinion)? Did they over-focus on Michelle? After all, Michelle was the first out-of-the-closet antm model, not Kim.

Clearly Kim must have a certain something to garner such attention--both positive and RABIDLY negative from people that keep obsessing over her. I don't think just being a lesbian is what is keeping her on the show. By that logic, Michelle should have been in the top two.

Personally, I think all this bizarre over-the-top Kim hating is just homophobia. A pretty lesbian is doing well and perhaps has a shot (unlike the likeable but unlikely-to-win Michelle), and some just cannot cope.___________________________________

PERSON REPLIES:because michelle wasn't hitting on and making out with the girls on the show. Michelle pretty much kept to her self and was quiet unlike kim

assuming I dislike kim because I am homophobic is just like saying I dislike xtina because I'm jealous.

I am not jealous. I am not homophobic.why would I fear someone because they're lesbian?why would I hate someone for that reason?doesn't make a whole lot of sense

however it does make sense that I would dislike kim because she's phony.___________________________________

REPLIER:"because michelle wasn't hitting on and making out with the girls on the show. Michelle pretty much kept to her self and was quiet unlike kim"

You're pretty much proving my point right there. Michelle was much less threatening to you because she kept to herself--you didn't have to deal with her unsettling sexuality. Kim half responds to Sarah flirting with her, and all of a sudden you feel uncomfortable. The uncomfortable feeling leads to hating.

As for "jealousy", I didn't say anything about that and I don't know who xtina is. And FTR, those who "hate the sin" or think homosexuality is "unnatural" often say they don't "fear" homosexuals, so that perhaps wasn't your best defense. You may not be homophobic, but that's a the defense I hear homophobes give.

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PERSON:A. my roomate is gayB. most people think I'm bi because I have no problem flirting with girls and guysC. my best friend is lesbianD. kim really is NOT pretty enought to make it as a model on looks alone.E. I didn't like michelle either... but that was because I thought she looked like a man

if you want to believe that I am a gay hater then go for it.it must be nice to live in your own little world eh?___________________________________

Boringness stating that the above person was wrong because Ebony (from Cycle one, not "Don't Get it Twisted" Ebony) was the first lezzie.___________________________________

WESLEYAN PERSON:kim went to my college, unlike many, she certainly was NOT a "wesbian." girlfriend likes girls. if you want to hate, don't say that she's faking her sexuality.___________________________________

MORE WESLEYAN:Seconded, I go to Wesleyan as well. Kim was the hot lesbian with a scooter.___________________________________

END SCENE___________________________________

Is this OH NO THEY DIDN'T!, or is this the Wesleyan Anonymous Confession Board??? GOD! Don't you just hate lesbians who do it forattention??? Because you know, there are no REAL homosexuals on TV. Except for maybe "Ellen Degenerit".

Here is the part where I run about the blogosphere and find a bunch of songs that I think are worth listening to...including some old favorites. A lot of them are stolen from YANP, which means we really need to figure out how to post songs on our Wesleyan webspace so these mixes can be a bit more original.

17 November 2005

While you listen to these tunes on your iPod, you can also pleasure yourself apparently...in time with the song you're listening to.

GOOD

So I posted this song ages ago, but since then I really started to listen to it. I feel guilty for liking it, mostly because of their cover of Alphaville's "Forever Young" from the O.C. that is getting Youth Group a lot of hype. It isn't really a good song. But I think this is. Maybe I have bad taste. Maybe I'm just really emo. Emu?

OK, so "Hoodie" isn't necessarily my favorite joint by Lady Sovereign, but hot damn...The Basement Jaxx are annoying as hell by themselves, but amazing on remixes. It's amazing that one of my least favorite songs by an artist is suddenly close to my favorite after a bit of work by them.LADY SOVEREIGN- Hoodie (Basement Jaxx remix)

THE BAD

NEW OUTKAST!?! But wait...there's a disclaimer. You'd think that after the success of "Hey Ya" and "The Way You Move" that Outkast would continue with a similar formula for their new album. Surprisingly...no. Following up "Hey Ya" is quite a task, so instead the boys from the ATL choose to revisit the sound of albums like ATLiens. The result is quite confusing, because I don't know what to compare it to. Essentially, I give it a thumbs down if they think they can pull this off as a single. If not, the single better make me shake my ass.

THE UGLYOH NO! If you've turned into MTV lately, you may be familiar with fat kid Andy Milanokis. If you've existed in the past couple of years you may remember J-Kwon's "Tipsy" at dance parties. "Errybody in the club's gettin' tipsy." What happens when they come together? Pure. Hell.J-KWON f/ ANDY MILANOKIS- Like Dis

16 November 2005

Cable news is so effing gay sometimes No, seriously. CNN is the newest place for dudes to pick up dudes. Last night, while Ryan Seacrest was filling-in as host of Larry King, Anderson Cooper basically molested him with words. And Seacrest reciprocated.

Just when you thought it was safe to bump "99 Luftballoons" at your next dance-party, some random ass guy goes on and ruins it. And this time, it's not because he put on "Irish Blood, English Heart"...but because he's suing Jay-Z's ass. It's alright H to the O-V. I got yo' back!

In other hip-hop related news...Ja Rule and Ashanti: They also do Bat Mitzvahs!

14 November 2005

It seems that the world is obsessed with telling their secrets right now...or keeping them? For this reason, the theme of this post is CONFESSIONS.

CONFESSIONS...ON A DANCEFLOOR"If you don't like my attitude, well you can F off. Just go to Texas, isn't that where they golf?"

Madonna recently played her much talked about new album Confessions on a Dancefloor for a bunch of dudes who were going to write reviews about how wonderful it is. The CD was flown into Ft. Lauderdale airport under armed guard. The CD was picked up by her brother, who delivered it to the DJ for the night. Afterwards, it was DESTROYED "so it didn't fall into the wrong hands". Obviously, they mean terrorists. Meanwhile, with all this "high security", new short-lived links of the leaked album pop up every second.______________________________________________

CONFESSIONS...OF A BROKEN HEART"I have a crush on every boy."

Lindsay Lohan seems less than broken recently. I mean, there's only one way to go after Herbie: Fully Loaded...up. Rumors have been circulating that her and Jared Leto are finally official...but these screen caps from TRL have fans speculating that they may be past the dating phase and are already engaged. "A friend" has already said that she's hot to marry Leto. They grow up so fast these days. Please, let's note that Jared was 29 when Lindsay made this movie...

She was the perfect doll. Now she's the real thing. FEATURING Tyra Banks...If anyone owns a copy of this, may I watch it immediately? Thanks.

Lindsay may also be attending NYU in the near future.______________________________________________

CONFESSIONS...OF A SCIENTOLOGIST GIRLFRIEND"SHIT...I'm pregnant!!!"

Katie Holmes has recently confessed that she is nervous about her silent birth. A source says, "Katie is being taught that the experience is painless and an enlightening one, but she knows better." Silent births require no sound from the mother delivering the child or anyone in the room, with the belief that any noise will traumatize the newly born child. Apparently L. Ron Hubbard never experienced his vagina stretching to the size of a watermelon. Maybe I'm assuming too much...______________________________________________

Speaking of Tyra, how about...

CONFESSIONS...OF A TOP MODEL"I eat ice cream in bed."

Ok, so Justin posted this earlier, but can we please talk about it more? I mean, can we just talk about nothing but ANTM all the time? Like how Tyra made two girls cry and then told them they were going to London? You have to love the look of pure terror on Jayla's face...and the look of shock/WTFness on Nicole's.

"WE'RE GOING TO LONDON!"

Can we also talk about how amazing Kim looked in her last two shoots? She has little time left on the show folks! Tune in this week.______________________________________________

CONFESSIONS...OF AN HEIRESS?"Simone and Paris have similarities."

No, actually...it's the other heiress. The one living in the shadows. And her book is The Truth About Diamonds, a soon-to-be-classic modern novel which the adorable Tom Martin demanded I ship to him immediately and also demanded that I mention that an Israeli grandmother said he was handsome. Now, you can read chapter 1...ON THE INTERNET. Nicole Richie. You amaze me. Talking shit about Paris fictionally?!? Art is totally imitating life. If only Kim had talked about her fellow reality tv castmates fictionally, then there wouldn't be such a backlash! You should have put it in a book Kim...On another note, here is an interview in which Nicole deems herself an all-around "entertainer".______________________________________________

CONFESSIONS...OF HERMIONE"I've always wanted, more than anything, to just mush in with everyone else"

Yes Emma Watson, I'm sure this is true. And I'm sure you'll be very successful at mushing in with your $5000 Chanel dress. More here from a girl who is inappropriately attractive for her age. Seriously, when I was doing lifeguard training...the 35 year-old instructor said he'd hit it.______________________________________________

CONFESSIONS...OF AN EMANCIPATED MIMI"I want to cut my hair. If I do, it will be for charity."

What does that mean??? Like, you'll donate it to Locks of Love? Or will there be a huge televised telethon? For every $10,000 that we receive to feed the homeless, Mariah Carey will cut off an inch! Speaking of the homeless, check out the best photoshopping blog in existence, Arrase ao lado do mendigo.

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CONFESSIONS...WAS THE TITLE OF MY ALBUM"I love the poon."

It looks like Usher may be the next celeb to show up on the shelves of your local porn store. Videos of him with two women doing it to the sounds of his ex-girlfriend's (Chili from TLC) golden hit "Waterfalls" are said to exist. Just when he thought he could say all he could say, just when we thought we could see all we could see. Oh Ush!______________________________________________

CONFESSIONS...OF FLOWER FILMS"He's just not that into you."

Drew Barrymore's production company Flower Films is set to team up with writers from Sex and the City to produce a movie entitled He's Just Not That Into You. Other films by the flowery production company include the Essie Lash facebook-endorsed Fever Pitch, Donnie Darko, and Olive the Other Reindeer. Drew, I did you justice by leaving Fifty First Dates off that list. Oops.______________________________________________

11 November 2005

So word on the street (aka mtv.com) is that Abercrombie & Fitch was forced to discontinue two of their t-shirts because of a so-called "girlcott". The shirts were deemed offensive to young women because...well, they are. The two shirts discontinued read, "With These, Who Needs Brains?" and "Gentlemen Prefer Tig Old Bitties". I'm glad Abercrombie is keeping teens where they belong...dying their hair, getting boob jobs, spreading their legs, and failing algebra.

Meanwhile, Abercrombie likes you more if you are blonde. Keep in mind that this shirt is still on sale. I tell you this, because I know you will want to purchase it immediately...

Probably not the best installment ever, but it could be good. Oh, and if you're thinking to yourself, "Self, 'Crazy Frog' doesn't have lyrics; it's a ringtone! The one that messed up the Billboard charts. How could cute children innocently sing it?" Then we're the same person. And wrong.

You probably have noticed the recent trend of releasing a "Greatest Hits" album when you're a group that hasn't even been around for ten years. Note: *NSYNC, The Roots, etc. The release of Destiny's Child's #1s is no exception to this trend. Unfortunately, some members of the DC team think that Greatest Hits equals..."let me slip on a song that will further advance my solo career". Not only that, but the voluptuous vixen collaborated with the same artist as former group member LeToya Luckett, and released the song shortly after the release of LeToya's. I smell drama. By the way, the voluptuous vixen isn't Michelle.

The creepiest place on the interweb is going platinum! MySpace.com and Interscope Records are teaming up to create MySpace Records, an outlet for angsty, kinda sucky t[w]een bands everywhere. After NewsCorp bought MySpace's parent company four months ago, it was only a matter of time before Rupert Murdoch started meddling. The best part is that MySpace users will provide feedback as to which acts should be chosen. Thank Jesus they have good taste. Sketchy internet-stalkers always do.

Check out the tracks here. You'll notice that they're all by up-and-coming artists who got their starts on MySpace like Dashboard Confessional and Weezer.

And you won't even have to wait long to get those grubby hands on the first cut: MySpace Records Volume 1 hits stores November 15th. Also, if you pre-order it through their site, MySpace will give you an extra four free profile pictures! Because everyone wants to see your face four more times. Especially that home-schooled kid in Iowa.

02 November 2005

Every once in awhile a little birdie will send us an e-mail and let us know about something that is going on in the world. If we think the little birdie's news is important enough...we will post about. When I say we, I mean me...but of course.

The little birdie of the day is Sir Jesse D. Young I, '06!

Jesse kindly reminded me that the new "Boogie Down" video for The Management/MGMT is making it's debut on the interweb. You can check it out here. Wesleyan grad Max Goldblatt ('05) directed that shiz and it features (to quote Jesse) "hell of wes kids".

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Another bit from Jesse...is the surprising fact that Madonna hates Gwen Stefani. Ok, it's not that dramatic. She pulled the ol'..."I'm gonna talk some junk and then try to make up for it with some compliments." Madonna accuses Gwenni Gwen Gwen of biting her style. Next up off Madonna's tongue: "GOD! She's a woman who makes dance music that people like to dance to and we're both white...and she wears clothing!...but I think she has a nice face."

01 November 2005

Recently I did a search of who linked to totesumbrellas and discovered that Adam Freelander has a blog, The Laws Have Changed. You may be familiar with the shitparade kids and the wesleyan booyah...but how come no one notified me that one of the former kings of the dance party has set up shop on the interweb? If you are a Wesleyan blogger, hit me up so we can link your junk. Playing on The Laws Have Changed...

Oh shit. If you like people with superb musical taste...than Guava is the place to be. Not only do we have a fan of Sufjan and M.I.A., but honey done linked The Management (MGMT)!!! Apparently, there is absolutely no affiliation with Wesleyan University on this one. The MGMT post states, "This song is also one of my favorite Management songs. It makes me shimmy, want to take a swimmy, and hang out with Kimmy…" And the Kimmy she refers to isn't Kimmy Stolz. Whoa. This blows my mind. Playing on Guava...

"I listen to music for the feeling, not necessarily words,and her songs give you a good feeling."-Marques Houston, costar of Trapped,on Hilary Duff's Metamorphosis

You may be like, who??? To refresh your memory, Marques Houston is the actor who played Roger on the hit 90s comedy Sister, Sister.

Roger...I mean Marques spent a short time in the short-lived boy-band Immature, who performed often on Nickelodeon's All That and had a music video with Kel Mitchell as the guy from Good Burger. Immature originally started somewhat innocent, but later changed their name to IMX and took a more mature approach with songs such as "My First Time", which included details of a young man's first sexual experience.

Later, Marques went on to have a solo career. Two albums are out already, full of slow jams and booty-bouncing tracks like the song "Naked". He starred in classic films such as You Got Served, House Party 4, and Fat Albert, and with his "chiseled body" (ew) gained a large female following. His cousin is J-Boog, a member of B2K...another boyband that makes tweens go crazy.

OK, so you may be wondering why you need all this backstory. You don't. The funny part is quite simply that a grown man just admitted to listening to Hilary Duff...in VIBE magazine. Also, I just wanted to look up J-Boog on wikipedia.

In conclusion, Marques Houston has as much street cred as I do. This is sad.

Clap your hands if you remember your first time...listening to "So Yesterday",Joe John

totes an interview

disclaimer

MP3s are for sampling purposes only. Go out and buy the record, punks. If you are an artist who feels as if your song is posted here wrongly, please e-mail Joe John and let him know. We will take down the file immediately.