This blog is solely written to convey the many thoughts and feelings I, Alicia Marie, experience throughout my day to day life. Along the way, I hope to bring my readers something they can relate to. My purpose is to make people smile, and to cry (tears of joy, that is), and to make them feel like they're not alone in this world.

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Sunday, June 3, 2012

An overdue update

Well, I guess it's been a while since I've made the time to sit and write a real update on life, so I guess I'll do that now.

The last real post was about painful reminders. Remember me mentioning that I had gotten two positive pregnancy tests with faint lines and I tested a few days later and couldn't get another positive test? Well, after AF showed, I called the doctor to let them know. I told them about the two faint positive tests that I got (they were different brands, too), and they insisted that I come in to the office for a blood draw. They wanted to test for hCG to see if I had another early miscarriage. I did that test on Friday the 25th of May and was told that I would have the results the following Tuesday. It is now nine days later, and I've yet to receive any results from the doctor. I called Tuesday like they said, and they told me the machine was down and it would be done by Thursday. I called Thursday, and it still hadn't been done. It's Sunday and I'm left in limbo land wondering the results. It's a horrible feeling not knowing. It pains me greatly to think that there was possibly life inside me and I lost it again before I even knew. I'll never understand why these things happen, and I'll never be able to express just how much it hurts. No one, except those who have been through this, knows what it's like to cry yourself to sleep at night because the pain in your stomach/ovaries are so horrible that they remind you that your body possibly failed you yet again. I can say it until my face turns blue, but no one understands. Think me a mental case, if you will, but these are real, raw emotions that I deal with on a daily basis. I just want answers, and this doctor's office does absolutely nothing to help me.

Speaking of that doctor's office, I finally caved and decided to cheat on my doctor. I contacted a woman gyno to get a second (really, third if you could the Infertility Center of St. Louis) opinion. People have been telling me for months that I needed to dump my doctor and find a new one that would help me, but a part of me was scared. I know this may not make sense, but since I went to him first, I wanted to stay with him because I believed that one day I'd be walking back into that same clinic for pregnancy checkups...but, alas! That hasn't happened, and I've been with him for over a year and have been trying to conceive for almost two years (1yr 10mo 2wks & 1day to be exact--not that I'm counting or anything).

The same day that I went for the blood draw I had a job interview at the Ramada Oasis Convention Center. I had applied online two days prior, and they called me the next day after applying and asked me to come in for an interview. It went really well, or so I thought. They were impressed with my customer service background and that I was well prepared for the interview. I brought in a notepad with pre-written questions to ask them in the interview. I had done my research on their company and knew what they did. Everything. When I left they thanked me for coming in and told me (if I heard correctly) that I would hear from them mid-late week the following week. I had the interview nine days ago, and still haven't heard anything. I've called twice to check on the progress of the interview/job placement stage, but have not gotten a call in response. So, I'm also in limbo with that as well. Maybe they're still in the interviewing stage, who knows.

I'm just so tired of being in a place of unanswered questions. So many people tell me to "let go and let God," but the reality is that I have, it's just hard sometimes. Here's a song that I recently heard and have been playing on repeat ever since I first heard it. It's called, "Hold Me Together." I'll post the song so you can hear it, and then the lyrics underneath that.

Hello Mercy
I have been searching for you lately
I've been wounded and from what I hear
You have the remedy

They told me You would be for me
So now I need to know
Is this a love that can save me
Or say You will then don't
Will You stay with me when nobody is around
If this is real, then tell me now

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart
Falling apart

Saying so long, been lost, been gone
Not sure what to pray
It's not easy but I know You see me
When I lose my way

I keep on floating not knowing
If there is more for me
Don't want to sink beneath waves of negativity
I'm going under
I'm afraid that I might drown
If this is real
I need you now

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
'Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart
Falling apart
Oh, Lord

I'm feeling stronger
With you by my side
And I realize you are my hope
I need to know

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
'Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart
Falling apart
Hold me together Lord

4 comments:

I feel like an awful awful friend because some how I missed that you had gotten a positive pregnancy test. I am so sorry I missed that. And I am so so sorry you are in limbo right now. I will be praying for peace and that you get answers really soon!

All that sounds really tough. Often people dont' realise the grief of loosing a pregnancy you didn't know you had, it's still a loss and a very real one. I'm sorry you are doing so much waiting. Praying for you!

Hey! We were both over due for an update, weren't we?? I'm sorry I haven't emailed in a while, I've been a little on the busy side, but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you. I have yet to post your other cute gift on my page, and trust me, I haven't forgotten... I'm saving it for when I post pictures of the nursery.

I'm sorry that you're in limbo land lately. That's really messed up of the doctors to keep you waiting like that, especially over something so important. The machine is down?? What does that even mean? I hope you get an answer soon, so you can at least know. I hope you get an answer about the job too! It sounds like you did a fabulous job at the interview. I can't believe they wont even let you know what's going on :/That is a beautiful song that you posted. Could it be anymore perfect?? I love how much music can really make a difference.

About Me

I'm a 24 years old foster mom to three kiddos ages 3 and under. Not too long ago I felt that I knew what life was going to be like. I would have a full time job, 2 kids, a house, and two dogs. Like most things in life, we do not always get what we dream of, but I can say that I have been given more than I could ever imagine for myself. I'm here to share my experiences--the good, the bad, and the ugly--and in turn I hope to inspire you and bring hope to your life.