Saturday, December 03, 2005

The morning after his suicide attempt Ritchie walks down the corridor of the ward nodding to other patients. His neck shows scrape marks where the rope had been. He catches the eye of another patient approximately his age.“Hey man.”“Yo. What’s happening?”An aide goes to the main locked door of the ward and unlocks it with a giant key. Michael and Deborah enter. He is wearing a tie and sports jacket, Deborah has on a dress. They are shy in any new surroundings, but the inside of a psychiatric ward? It isn’t something they ever imagined they would see. They don’t know what to expect. They’re not sure what they are supposed to do. They look around. So far so good. A lot of teenagers. Not that different from Ritchie. They are relieved. They thought it would be full of very strange people, like the woman last night in the ER. Apparently not. Apparently the really crazy people are sent somewhere else. They spot Ritchie off to the side shyly trying not to eye a group of girls. One of the girls in particular is petite and cute. Deborah and Michael relax. They wave to him. Deborah smiles wanly. She mouths “I love you”. They follow Dr. Agnew into his office. He is a young cocky man who clips his words as if to exaggerate that he is succinct. After a perfunctory greeting he points to two chairs then wastes no time getting started, “How long has he been on Prozac?”“He was supposed to begin it this morning. He…”Dr. Agnew cuts Michael off, “So he never got it.” He writes that on a form then looks up again at them.“How long did he see Dr. Stern?”He just had one visit, yesterday.”“Did Richard…”Deborah intervenes, “Ritchie. He likes to be called Ritchie.”Dr. Agnew’s voice takes on an irritated tone. “Did Ritchie give any indications that he was thinking about suicide?”Michael answers, “Not really.”Deborah disagrees. “ Once, I think two years ago he talked about dying. He wanted to know whether his sister Lisa—she died 5 years ago from a lymphoma- might really be alive in heaven. We talked about that. I was surprised. He believes in it. Michael I guess he got that from you. He really misses her. We all do. Immediately after Lisa died, Ritchie would bring things home from school that he said he was saving to show Lisa when he went to heaven. He’d speak about that a lot, And then he stopped talking to us about those kinds of things. He’s become our mystery teenager.” Dr. Agnew makes his impatience unmistakable, “I mean actual suicide threats.”“What do you mean actual?” Michael asks“Threatening to do it.”“No nothing like that. But you know…”“Any family history of suicide?”“No.”“Dr. Stern told me he saw you for depression several years ago. He kind of hinted that you also are depressed Mrs. Russell. So there is a strong family history?”“I don’t know. Not before Lisa’s illness.”“Lisa?”“My daughter.”“Oh right, the one with the lymphoma. What about his grandparents? Did they get depressed?”“They were okay.”Michael cuts in, “What about your mom during menopause?” he asks Deborah. “She was pretty crabby?”“Well that was only a few months. I…”“So the answer is yes. There’s a strong family history.”He marks it on his chart“Well I’m not sure. I…”“Listen, I have a patient scheduled in a few minutes. I’m all set. I got what I need.”“That’s it?”“You’re supposed to see Mrs. Franklin next. She’ll answer your questions. She’s in charge of disposition…”“What do you mean? Who are you disposing of?” Michael asks sarcastically.“She’s in charge of discharge planning. She’s an important part of the treatment team.”“Why? Are you thinking about discharge? He just got here!”“Hospitals are not the proper place to treat patients. It causes regression. Patients begin to like it here a little too much.”“And you think that could happen with Ritchie?”“I don’t know Ritchie, but yes, very possibly. Let me talk to Ritchie some more and talk to his therapist…”“Who is his therapist?”“I already told you. Mrs. Franklin. She’ll meet with you later. Let me see what time.”The doctor picks up his phone and dials her extension. He mumbles something into the phone, then looks up.“In about an hour. Why don’t you see if you can find Billy out there”.“Billy?”Dr. Agnew sneaks a look at his chart.“Sorry…Ritchie.”Dr. Agnew shows them the door. They go into the corridor. Many patients, including Ritchie, are in a common room at a lecture. Michael and Deborah catch Ritchie’s eye, take a seat towards the back. A young pollyannish woman, Ms. Allison is in front of the screen where slides are being projected. A large picture of a nerve junction is depicted. Her pointer moves to what appears to be bubbles.“This is serotonin. Depressed people don’t have enough of it. Who is on Prozac?”Five patients raise their hand. Ritchie doesn’t. Michael signals him to do so. Ritchie ignores him.“What about Celexa, Zoloft, Paxil, Effexor?”Almost all of the rest of the patients raise their hand.“Good. These drugs fix your chemical imbalance. They are miracle drugs like antibiotics. If you take your medication you will feel much better. Although sometimes they don’t work, we have other medicines and the chances are they will work. It’s very important that you take your medication… Religiously!”A patient raises her hand.“So our problems aren’t what’s bumming us out?”“Well I’m sure you think they are, but it’s really your chemical imbalance. Well… that and one other thing…Anyone know what that is?”No one raises their hand.“Come on Connie. You’ve been here before.”Connie gives her a look of disgust. Ms. Allison isn’t the least distracted.“Negative attitudes. I have this booklet for you that I want you to study about how to think more positively.”A new person pipes in, “When do we meet with the doctor about our medication? I’ve been here 5 days and I’ve only seen him once for 15 minutes.”“ Well, he makes rounds every day and the staff reports to him. Exuding cheerfulness she continues, “He’s very, very busy.”“Do we get to meet with him about medication problems?”“Well, in special situations. But we encourage you to bring up any medication problems in medication group. For those of you who are new-you’ll meet together once a day with the nurse and that’s where you are supposed to ask about any side effects that bother you.”“I’m not going to talk about no side effects in front of every one else.”“Sometimes you just have to find the courage.”“Are you serious? You know lady. This serotonin thing. It sounds like one size fits all.”“Well you can look at it that way, but that is just negative thinking.” Very cheerfully she adds, “You’ll see. Very soon you’ll feel fine.”“How do you know that?”“I know it because I used to get depressed. Just like you. And now I am on medicine and… well…can’t you tell how positive I am? That can be you.”“So now you have no problems?”“I didn’t say that. Now I look at my problems differently… with a positive attitude.”“You is one drugged lady.”“Well, any other questions?”Ms Allison looks around the room. No hands are raised.“Very good. For those who don’t have one of these (holding up the booklet) come up to get your copy. Seriously, there is a lot to learn about a positive attitude. It works.”Most of the patients do move forward to get the booklet. Ritchie conspicuously moves in the opposite direction towards Michael and Deborah. He hugs his mother.“You okay mom?”“I’m good. I’m good.”Michael addresses him, “Are they treating you okay?”“Well, no one’s coming at me with needles like they did last night.”“You should get a copy of that booklet.”“There’s so much bullshit up here.”“I’m going to get a copy. I’ll be right back.”Michael leaves them.“Is dad pissed at me?” Ritchie asks his mother“No, he really isn’t. Can’t you tell?”“Not really.”“He wants to help you. You gave us a big scare. She moves her fingers through his hair as she talks, “Are you feeling better?”Ritchie shrugs…Michael returns. Deborah and Ritchie greet him with an artificial smile. Michael hands him the booklet.“Read it over tonight. What have you got to lose?”“Yeah right, Dad.”“Ritchie what is it you want? Just tell me because we aren’t playing a game here.”“For starters, I want out of here. Right now.”“What if we can find a different place?”“Like where?”“I don’t know. I’m seeing Dr. Stern. He’ll have some ideas.”“It’s got to be a place where they don’t take away your shoelaces.”“You seem to have forgotten why you are here. Any place is going to do that. He tries to soften a bit, ”Look let’s see what Dr. Stern has to say.”Michael looks at his watch, “I have to call in to the office; then I want to see Dr. Stern. Deborah. You want to see Dr. Stern with me?”“I’m okay staying here.”“Dad. Could you check the ER? I’m missing my ring-the one Lisa gave me.”A visual image of the ring flashes through her mind “Really? The ring?” “Okay. I’ll check it out.” It is on his to do list “See you guys later”.Michael leaves. Ritchie and Deborah stand together, speechless and awkward. A psychiatric aide appears. He can’t be more than 23-24 but his voice has deepened into a commanding staccato.“Russell. You’re supposed to be at community meeting.”“I’m with my mother”“Doesn’t matter. You have to attend the community meeting.”“And what if I don’t?”“In our house visitors go by house rules. You have to go now”“What are you going to do? Give me a bad grade? Am I going to get an F in patient cooperation. ”“You want it? We’ll be glad to give you an F. A good, good F.Deborah intervenes “You know I noticed on one of the bulletin boards that they have AA meetings at the hospital. There’s supposed to be one today.” She looks at her watch, “actually, in about 10 minutes. Ritchie. Listen to this gentleman. Go to your meeting. I want to go to that meeting. It’s been a while.”Ten minutes later Deborah is in a large hospital conference room used twice a week for AA meetings. Several members surround a large coffee maker. A tall angular man fusses over preparing his coffee. He carefully pours a teaspoon of sugar, turns his spoon over, then repeats it for another teaspoon and a half. Next comes the powdered creamer. Carefully he sips, smacks his gums, It is still too hot. He studies the donuts. He picks a circular cinnamon sugared one from the supermarket box. He tears the donut in half. He hasn’t looked at another person in the room.There are clearly regulars, old friends. Deborah is also not paying attention to anyone. She overhears small talk all around her, somewhat like the buzz you hear at the beach when you are trying to fall asleep, a buzz without details, soft mumbled conversations fading in and out. She waits her turn at the coffee maker feeling awkward, trying to be invisible. For the most part she succeeds. She takes a seat alone. Several of the younger divorced men, as always looking for a girlfriend, steal glances at her. She is pretty, which is numero uno for the younger guys with active hormones but Deborah is oblivious. She has been since she met Michael. She quickly reverts to her usual companion Lisa. Memories replacing memories, then another, then all over again.The very first time they went to their camping site, a sunny amazing day. The whole family is excited to have discovered this place. Michael grabs one-year-old Ritchie and swoops him into the air. He catches him effortlessly, then sets himself for another toss Michael throws him high, high into the air. When he played baseball, he preferred a homerun swing to a controlled bat . Ritchie is terrified but just as quickly he lets out a happy squeal as Michael gently catches him. “Gain!”“Again?”“Gain!”“Again?”Deborah confirms his translation. “ Yes, Again” He throws him up again, perhaps ever higher. Ritchie squeals with laughter.“Gain.”Lisa pulls at Michael’s leg. He looks down at her. She points straight up. Michael hands Ritchie to Deborah and picks up Lisa who looks up at him excitedly. He throws her up almost as high as he threw Ritchie and catches her the same way. He’s delighted with himself. She doesn’t seem happy.“No. As high as Ritchie!” she demands.“That was as high!”“It wasn’t. I saw. You threw Ritchie into the sky.”“You want to go into the sky?”“Higher than that!”“Okay. I’m going to send you higher than the sky”.“To God.”“I’m not sure what kind of catcher he is.”“The best”That memory does it every time. A tear forms. She dabs lightly with a Kleenex.

Another memory: earlier in their relationship; she and Michael are still wildly in love. They are dancing. They go to the punch bowl. She is tipsy. Michael finds her silliness absolutely wonderful. They dance and dance.

Deborah fingers the back of her neck, squeezes the muscles, trying to loosen them. She looks around the room. A speaker is talking about his life when he drank. Her memories continue.

She opens up a book where she has hidden a joint. Michael comes in to the room. She tries to hide it.

Another: A demonstration against Reagan’s support for the contras; Deborah has a flower in her hair. Michael has a beard and long hair. A hundred of them stand strong holding hands as policemen close in on their crowd. Some one, not far from them, screams at the lined up policemen, “PIGS” Suddenly the police charge. Everyone scatters. Fear, real physical fear, the first time she has ever felt it. She watches at a safe distance as one of the policemen throws Michael to the ground. He lifts his nightstick but then thinks better of it and chases another demonstrator. It was at that moment, the moment she suddenly felt terrified for Michael, that she decided she wanted to spend her life with him.

A new speaker is before the group, a black man in his 50’s wearing a bow tie.“ I want to say, right out, the bottom line. AA saved my life. AA saved my life. That’s the truth. AA saved my life. You new people tonight. I know you probably think that’s bull. Probably all of it sounds phony. Higher power. Give me a break right? Well you’re right. It is bull. Some people like to talk a lot of bull. AA lingo. It’s annoying. But you know what? The people that talk like that are right about all of it.When I first came here I had to convince myself that there was something wrong with me. Like, what is an alcoholic? So what if I get drunk every once in a while? What gives other people the right to tell me how much I should drink? Fuck them. I will decide for myself.It’s my life not theirs. They just want to judge, judge, judge. Yeah they say they are trying to help me because they care. Yeah right. Fuck them. FUCK them.”A couple of brothers chime in, “Yeah man.”He continues, “But you know what? I’m here and you’re here because we know damn well they’re right. Doesn’t matter what their reasons are. They’re right. First time I came here I waited for AA to do something for me, to prove it was going to work.It didn’t work. I screwed up for two more years. Kept cheating. Until I fucked up one too many times. Lost my job. My wife said she had had enough. I knew she meant it. I got desperate. That is what it took to get me serious, when I fuckin’ decided I was a goner. Couldn’t stop myself before that. I couldn’t stop drinking. That’s when I stopped caring about you jerks at the meeting. I had to stop. That’s all that mattered.Took me a while but now I know. Getting wasted is a wasted life. Getting all cocked and telling off people feels good. Absolutely right except for the next morning. You wake up with this fear. How you made a fool of yourself, how you made a new enemy. How your wife’s feelings aren’t going to recover for weeks. Maybe never.”“ Man. Okay maybe occasionally you have a good time just because you are high. And you can’t get that feeling any other way. Partying is the best. Telling people off is the best. Right?”He hesitates.“Feels good right?”He hesitates again“Wrong.”“You need to get things fixed another way. You gotta keep half your brain. Or you are going to be in deep shit. Because if you couldn’t do it while you are sober there’s gotta be a reason. There has to be a reason why you have to shut off your brain in order to get there.Okay without a little help you are too afraid to do anything. You are in prison. I ain’t got no easy suggestions how to fix that. See a shrink? Find out what is wrong? Find out how to change. Learn how to have a good time without getting high. Take a medicine that helps you to enjoy yourself without having to be drunk. That is if there is one. Okay there isn’t. Okay maybe the very best times you’ve ever had were when you were drunk.There is a reason for that. The devil always throws the best party in town. Man nothing beats the devil.”He hesitates for effect then continues. “ He also is the way to hell. As high as you get from booze and marijuana, and heroine and cocaine, that is how low you will get from being high. You are here today, and you will come back here because your low has made all the highs you got, all of them together times ten thousand, all that great time you’ve had is worth shit now. It is the shit.”“AA is bullshit, but man it’s saved me. Because when you finally know that getting shit- faced is for shit that’s your only chance…Knowing it and remembering it and living by it. That’s exactly what will save you.”“Yes,” calls out someone in the audience. Then a lot of “yeses” and “yeahs.”“Yeah you know it is good. Real good. So what do you do? Just in case you forget, you come here.”“Yeah some people have to come here again and again. And yeah some of them sound like robots. So fuckin’ what if the real reason they repeat it, the reason they have to convince others so often is that they have to convince themselves. Continually. They preach and preach to anyone who will listen but especially they preach to themselves. So fuckin’ what. You do what you have to do. If I don’t preach I’m going to be in trouble.I am Larry and I am an alcoholic.”“I am Larry and I am an alcoholic. Somewhere else I am a father, a son, a husband. I am the boss on my factory floor. Other people think about me other ways. But you know what? I am an alcoholic. I almost blew it all and I still can. Because I want to get high. I can almost taste it. I am Larry and I am an alcoholic.”“I need help from anything that makes even a little bit of sense. Whether I say it or someone else says it. Any phrase that I can repeat. It’s gold.Gold. One day at a time. Hell for me it’s one hour at a time. Right now I want to have a drink. Right now. I am Larry and I am an alcoholic. I haven’t had a drink in seven years.”Applause. Deborah has left Lisa for a moment. She is listening.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Each year with the coming of autumn, on the third Friday of October, the Journalist’s Guild announces the winner of the George W. Hitchcock Prize for Investigative Journalism at its annual ceremonial dinner. For the last 30 years it has been held in the Clarkson Ballroom of the Vanderbilt Hotel in Boston, the last place you might expect from a profession for whom rudeness often does the job of a calling card. The Clarkson was, and still is, an integral part of old Boston. Its continuing elegance serves as a reminder of the privileged people who once called this room their own. The silk curtains, now slightly thread bare in places, have grown more beautiful with age, as have the Persian rugs at the entrance. The parquet floor, polished for well over a century, has acquired a fine patina. Fierce pride created the Clarkson. Devoted care, some say, religiously inspired, has maintained it.

Until the 1970’s reporters were welcomed at the Clarkson with the same degree of enthusiasm as cockroaches or mice. They were interlopers, to be kept at a safe distance from the guests. That changed when Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein publicly assassinated the President of the United States, and were hailed as heroes by a grateful public. Those were the best of times in journalism, an era when irreverence was worshipped and limits disappeared. Time Magazine took the attack to the highest level of authority with its 1966 cover. Posted in fiery red letters it asked “Is God Dead?” There was no reply but when Nixon was sent packing that seemed almost as definitive.

Watergate stirred the idealism of a generation of dragon slaying youths who imagined that the practice of journalism would be heroic. Only later, after Princess Diana was hounded to her death by crazed news gatherers, did the downside become clear. Too many Bambis in suburbia spread Lyme disease and left shrubbery devastated. Spawned by Watergate glory, too many brash young journalists, eventually multiplied into paparazzi.

Not that journalists’ influence diminished as their image became tarnished. On the contrary, the opposite-- it has grown and grown. Like the nation’s daily supply of oil, milk, corn, and meat, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, hundreds of TV channels and thousands of newspapers must be certain their output is maintained. Not just news. The market for talk is enormous. Great singers, dancers, actors possess gifts that make them celebrities. Same with those who have a gift for friendly gab. Oprah, O’Reilly, Dr. Phil, Depak Chopra, countless gurus, experts, and nuts fill a conversation void. If religion was once the opium of the masses, today’s masses prefer media massages. Newscasters, analysts, magazine articles, interviewers set the table for the marketplace of ideas. They police political correctness. They outline and debate the good, firing away at anyone and everyone. It is their job, they now say, a free press, guardians of the truth, revealers of the lie. Since Viet Nam, a parade of former presidents, every last one, Presidents Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Clinton, and the two Bushes, have been grievously wounded by adversarial reporting. The media’s ability to choose what is shown determines the public’s consensus on most issues, which leads to charges of bias. Sometimes the charges are true, but if every one of our leaders has become a target, is it bias or has there been a more fundamental change? .

It no longer takes an army to usurp power. In modern democracies the index finger has replaced the sword. The ancient Chinese kept their emperors hidden in the Forbidden City. The Hebrews were not allowed to make an image of their god, the holy of the holiest. It was a sin to pronounce his name. Can leaders rule for long when they can be dismissed at will from their subjects’ bedroom televisions with a click of the remote control? Can authority be maintained when blogs can set reputations on fire? History will eventually decide if it was good for our society to have our leaders so consistently made ineffectual. For now, however, reality, not reason, is all that matters. Power is power. The ability to bring down presidents has earned journalists a place at the table, earned them better entry into the Clarkson, through the front door, instead of the back.

Entrance yes, but no one can completely control information. Nor passions. “Off with their heads” cried the Queen of Hearts in Wonderland. Satisfied once, Madame LaFarge’s appetite for justice could not be sated. The apotheosis of people power may be authority blowing in the wind, which is to say, once aroused the public functions like a mob. Members of the media itself, can become the target. That is why presenting the Hitchcock Prize in a stately, dignified location such as the Clarkson has become more important than ever. The hope is that it will create an atmosphere where journalists seem above the fray. The Chairman of the Awards Committee, Lester Symington made it clear in his opening remarks to the Committee. “The celebration of the Hitchcock Prize deserves an environment befitting the accomplishment.” He would have preferred the Royal Palace in Stockholm (although the Nobel Prize actually is awarded in a rented concert hall). But, be that as it may, the perfect pedigree of the Clarkson Ballroom, its opulent touches and unerring good taste evokes a suitable hallowed aura

Only there are wrinkles in that fabric of virtue. From the very beginning, the Clarkson aura, so beloved by traditionalists, pissed off an important contingent of journalists, those who believed the ballroom in the Vanderbilt Hotel is the last place journalists belong. According to them, being a guest at the Clarkson was the same as consorting with the enemy. Generally this group entered the profession in the 60’s and 70’s and were part of the counter culture, They claimed journalism’s enhanced status as their own. If it weren’t for them, they argued, American presidents would menace the world worse than they already do.

Their opponents pointed out that a stately chapel gives dignity and authority to the Hitchcock Prize. When sitting in judgment our wisest of the wise, our Supreme Court justices, do not indulge in a casual dress day. They wear black robes, not Levis, when they impart their carefully reasoned decrees. This, and the fine chamber where their decisions are rendered, help establish reverence for the law.

Bullshit countered the counter culture. Christ’s Sermon on the Mount was given outdoors on a hill, to unbathed fishermen and carpenters, to the tattered and the lowly. These critics accurately predicted what was to come. With or without robes, the public image of Supreme Court justices, has been trashed as much as American presidents. Senators, college presidents, clergyman, CEO’s, practically anyone once revered, fears that, in a flash, inquiring cameras could be turned in their direction.

Not that journalists are incapable of making peace with each other. Following the third year at the Clarkson, in 1978, the committee’s arguments about whether or not to return there reached a boiling point. Voices were raised. Some friendships were lost. But no longer; time has leaped over the battle lines, muted passions to a point where it is hard to remember what all of the excitement was about. The invitation to tonight’s dinner, for instance, prominently indicates that the evening is black tie. The existence of a dress code stimulates not protests, but pranks.

Some of the younger men here tonight view a tuxedo little differently than a Halloween costume. Blue, purple, even pink ties are not that unusual. One year Grace Overton of the Miami Tribune trumped Madonna’s lead and wore her bra and undies on the outside, two weeks after Madonna introduced the style. She also wore a black tie. Today her gesture is fondly recalled, not the reaction she originally received. At this point, when it comes to clothes, it is impossible to shock anyone. In keeping with Grace Overton’s tradition, tonight, Jerry Spreewell, of the Harmon On Hudson Herald, is wearing a Farmer Brown getup, complete with black bow tie. He’s told everyone that he is tired of playing Top Hat in a game of Monopoly. That got a laugh when he first arrived but the joke quickly went stale. Hee-haw doesn’t quite strike the right note of protest.

Despite the jokesters, maintaining an accurate yet flattering image is taken as seriously by journalists as any profession. A good guess might be that the majority of men here tonight think of themselves as regular kind of guys, salt of the earth, but with a little extra pop, hardened realists, if anything, kind of film noir-ish. John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath, Henry Fonda--better, Edward R. Murrow, played by Humphrey Bogart, or Edward R. Murrow playing himself, a cigarette dangling from his lips, ashes falling where they may, would easily win a contest for most beloved persona. Especially in this era of smoke free environments- some version of reckless cool floats in the back of many young reporters’ minds. How else could they keep their chin up? It helps that Bogart looked great in a tuxedo.

But most of the reporters bear no resemblance to Bogart, nor, for that matter, Murrow. Regardless of politics, critics of the Clarkson are not wrong about it in terms of style. A significant proportion of the people in the ballroom tonight, gussied up in their finest, do not look like they belong here. The Clarkson is everything they are not. Many reporters eat where they work and have messy desks. It’s what you might expect given the news department’s line of work. They specialize in the underside of existence. Murders, floods, volcanoes, shipwrecks, war atrocities; day in and day out the job consists of harvesting bad news, collecting and distilling awful events. It is the ocean reporters swim in. The stormiest sea makes the best story.

Scandal is always entertaining. Crime especially fascinates readers, from armed robbery, to sly, clever fraud. Name the vice and it will be in today’s paper. The purpose of their livelihood, their product, so to speak, is the unmasking of evil, and the presentation of horrible events proportionately distributed, and neatly arranged in columns, so that they may accompany their readers’ breakfast cereal in the morning. Or sound bites, edited with a rhythm, events reduced to palatable proportions, the terrible brought to the screen so that it may excite, but never overwhelm. Reality captured, but not too much of it, terror viewed from the outside. Going inside would be a violation of good taste. The tsunami was the story of the decade, but from a safe distance. Most people viewed it without indigestion. They ate their Wheaties ready for another day. Videos of the beheadings of unlucky visitors to Iraq was a different matter

Let us not underestimate the strain placed on those who do the work. They often must confront the actual. Perhaps for this reason genteel behavior seems irrelevant to many journalists. Sipping fine wine from crystal goblets in the Clarkson is just not their idea of unwinding. A shot or two of whiskey, with colleagues who have had an equally trying day, is a different story.

There are, of course, journalists who are fond of being in the Clarkson surrounded by the ballroom’s trappings. Larry Kingsley, for instance, far from a gentleman in any respect that can be measured, loves the Guild dinner, loves the Clarkson precisely because it is a refreshing contrast to his ketchup stained notes, and the little pieces of whatever else he had for lunch, which are stuck to the side of his desk chair. Not just Larry Kingsley, most young reporters are oblivious to the identity clashes fought by previous generations. They like the good eats at the Clarkson, like them a lot, the white asparagus, the sorbet, the sushi, duck and truffles. But it would never occur to them to take on the stuffy demeanor of bankers and publishers. Walter Cronkite is admired, but no longer imitated. Besides, his voice has grown thin. Nervous anticipation, laughter, squeaky excitement far overshadows baritone pronouncements.

Journalists’ styles change, but they remain constant in one regard. They often don’t react to events that disturb other people. . They’ve seen it all. It’s an occupational hazard. Like a farmer with callused hands, they even take pride in their thick skin. Yet, if we strip down the award ceremony to its bare essentials, the announcement of the winner of the Hitchcock can turn even the most devoutly cynical reporter to mush. For those completely into it, and there are many who are, the awarding of the Hitchcock returns a mind set that is precious to them precisely because it has been so thoroughly buried, the faith of a child. It is not easy for any adult, let alone a reporter, to let down their guard and revisit this state of mind. First Santa Claus is proven a fraud, then one by one, over the years, every fond illusion is decimated, as reality pounds it out of you. Among journalists, it is pounded out a thousand fold. So the sentimental feelings that accompany the award this year, and every year, might come as a surprise until you think about it. At heart, they are like everyone else. On this night, their night, they do not view the Hitchcock through the prism of a reporter. For a few hours, innocence is re-imagined, fresh beginnings made possible. Once we lived where all is fair, not in love or warfare, but in a fair and square fight, everyone playing by the rules and the best man wins.

For eager young hotshots the George W. Hitchcock Prize is the Big Kahuna, an announcement of their arrival at the door, possibly their busting through the door. It isn’t just hotshots. Sometimes, a diligent working stiff wins the Hitchcock, a seemingly average guy who quietly but persistently asked the right questions of the right people. If he is older, this kind of winner gives an enormous lift to everyone. For deep inside there is a part of the soul waiting to be liberated. When all is said and done, most reporters, most people working in the media, would like to be decent, like to experience the purpose that pulled them towards journalism in the first place. When the right person wins the Hitchcock it returns their faith that the world truly is part of a rational universe, that the good and fair can be victorious, and that flashy fades. It reminds them to try harder to do things the right way. Persistence, hard work, and courage are all that matters. Or, should matter. It takes a day or two before they regain their work armor, their more familiar squashed expectations, and their sometimes ferocious response.

Chapter 1

Michael and Deborah Russell stand near their table in the Clarkson, with Michael’s Boston Sentinel colleagues and their spouses. A huge striking oil portrait of Ariana Van Doren, manager of the Vanderbilt hotel until 1934, hangs on a wall directly above them. To the left of her portrait is what looks like a Rembrandt. People assume that Rembrandts are only to be seen in museums or private collections, not in a hotel, but there it is, or seems to be. Then again this is Cornelius Vanderbilt’s Clarkson. Its priceless tapestries alone, often featured on architectural magazine covers, are more valuable than some of the buildings in downtown Boston.

Michael is having particular difficulty tonight paying attention to the small talk surrounding him. He has never liked standing around during the cocktail hour preceding affairs. Chit chat does not come easily. He doesn’t enjoy gossip, and the quips aren’t funny to him. He hardly listens. He is elsewhere. He is worried about Deborah.

So far, she is fine. Esther Pollard, fashion editor at the Boston Sentinel, is by her side. They usually pair up at these functions, invariably enjoying each other’s escalating snipes at everyone else at the meeting. They are in good form tonight, as if the last time they were at it was a couple of weeks ago. Only it’s been years, and the truth is, neither of them is in to it completely. Not like they once were, when what they thought really mattered to them. Now they are merely going through the motions, staying amused. This suits Deborah perfectly. Routine is comforting. Routine is boring. Boring is good.

Michael and Deborah have not made an appearance at the annual Guild dinner for years. They have also stopped going to the Sentinel’s Christmas party. The movies, here and there a concert, eating out, and an occasional dinner with friends has been about it for their social life. They would have been a no show tonight, but rumor has it Michael has a good shot at taking the Hitchcock, so Deborah felt she had no more excuses. It has been five years since she put on a gown, had her nails manicured, and faced the night. Esther is running interference for her and Michael keeps an eye on her as well, just in case.

Michael had forgotten how pretty Deborah can be when the occasion calls for it. He delights in her little touches. Tonight a cluster of silk cobalt blue forget-me-nots winds through her hair, setting off her wintergreen gown. They make her blue eyes sparkle. Where does she find these things? He knows where she got her earrings; he spent long hours looking for them ten years ago. They had to be perfect for her 35th birthday. He still recalls her expression as she opened the box , and especially afterwards, sitting at her dressing table putting them on, the calm look on her face as she studied herself in the mirror. In those days they were on a roll. Everything was effortless.

“You look nice,” Michael tells her.

It’s not what he says. It’s what’s in his eyes.

She extends her lips forward imitating a sexy kiss, one of her never fail mannerisms. She usually follows with a raised eyebrow and a sly grin delivered in perfect rhythm. Not tonight. Her timing is off. She is edgy.

“Did I ever tell you that my mother’s great grandmother used to come to the Clarkson?” she asks

“No.”

“She did. She was the niece of the woman in that portrait, Ariana Van Doren.”

He can barely hear Deborah’s soft voice over the din. He had noticed Ariana earlier. He knew about her from his never finished book about Cornelius Vanderbilt. He gives the painting another quick glance. She looks very self contained, a quality he admires but has never possessed.

“Mom and her genealogy,” Deborah continues “When she heard I was coming here tonight she asked me to look for the portrait. And here it is, right over our table.”

Michael gives it another glance. He likes it when the past and the present come together. Years ago, in an essay, he wrote that one of the worst things that happens to people who have moved to the big city is that generations stop intersecting. Free of family entanglements people invent themselves from scratch. It is true of him and true of a lot of the people he knows, people who have spent a lifetime improving themselves.

Michael’s editor, Joe Dyer, returns from the bar. He hands Deborah her club soda and Michael his white wine. Deborah smiles a thank you to him and flaps a wave to Michael as she turns back to Esther. For an extra moment, out of the corner of his eye, Michael watches her for indications that she is faltering. She’s okay. He raises his drink to meet Joe’s, tapping glasses lightly, the bottom of Michael’s glass striking the top of Joe’s. Joe offers a toast.

“Here’s to getting ‘em good.”

“Not good enough.”

“He’s in jail. That’s plenty good”

“He’s still breathing.”

Joe hesitates then continues, “That’s what it will take to even things up?”

“Yes.”

Michael is serious. Seeking justice can destroy a man, but ordinarily, not fantasies. They keep our mental equilibrium in working order. He used to joke that what he wanted most for Christmas was a hit man, but, as of late, his emotions are becoming bolder, his fantasies increasingly graphic. They may be getting out of hand. But he can’t stop himself. Nor does he want to.

The master of ceremonies taps his knife against a glass. The chatter in the room has blended into an unmistakable timbre. Seven hundred guests, gathered together to pay tribute, begin their tribute. They hit a different, quieter, note. The Russells, along with everyone else at their table, take their seat. Harry Wallace, celebrity gadfly, stands at the microphone. He waves to a buddy in the audience, flashes his always ready smile, now improved by professionally bleached teeth.

Wallace has chosen the right time. Only a few people are still involved in private conversations. He clears his throat. The last standing groups become quieter. They too find their places at their tables. A hush travels through the room like a vapor, moving from table to table, sucking sounds into silence. Those still talking feel the pressure. Cease and desist from all further conversation.

But then Ricky Meyer from The El Paso Tribune lets out a cat whistle. Laughter. Chatter returns. Wallace waits. He again clears his throat, subtly, patiently, like he has all night before he begins. He learned long ago that a too commanding gesture can backfire. The quiet looks like it will hold. He waits, watches the waiters who have started to bring the salad.

Deborah is completely and nervously attuned to Wallace. The big moment is approaching. The event is being broadcast on C Span. There will be close-ups. In her mind’s eye she pictures the gracious smile she will need if Michael loses. But, that is as far as she will take it. Ten years ago she would have practiced that smile, nailed it and would most likely have come across as cool and collected as anyone else in the room. No longer. Her reactions to her surroundings have been simplified. There is less choice, less resistance; she is more at the mercy of the elements. She hopes for sunshine, but rain, snow, ice, other people, can easily intrude on her plans. Michael to the rescue; he gives her a “Come play with me” look. She feels his warmth-she married him for that. He is like her father, trying, trying, trying.

When the kids were young he could break into a routine, not exactly vaudevillian, but a routine nonetheless, and it made them laugh. And when they fell and were crying he’d hold them and scold the ground that scraped their knee:

“Oh what did you do to my Lisa?My Lisa did nothing to you.The next time you hurt my LisaI’ll call the policeman on you.Bum-bum”

He would hit the ground twice as he called out bum-bum. That was the part that worked, the bum-bum. Fair is fair. Getting even, hitting back soothed Lisa’s excoriated flesh, slowed her crying to a whimper. And when Ritchie was little and he got hurt, he also loved that part of the ditty. He would smile as he wiped his eyes with his mittens. Sometimes he slapped at the ground saying Bum-bum along with his daddy.

So if Michael needs to play Deborah will play along, grateful to be filling in her empty spaces. He still hasn’t stopped looking at her with his bedroom eyes, kidding but not kidding.

”Stop it.” she teases back

He continues.

She makes her “get out of here” face.

“It’s the truth,” he says.

He uses that word a lot. Truth. Michael is addicted to the truth. It’s his best quality and also his most obnoxious characteristic. He’s the kid likely to shout out “the emperor’s wearing no clothes” and be proud of it, not noticing and not caring that others think he is an idiot socially. It’s what makes him a good reporter and a lousy guest.

He continues to look her over. Her eyes narrow. She raises her voice in a stagy emphatic manner. “Enough!”

It is enough. Wallace is very close to having his silence. Everyone in the room is now waiting. The moment of truth is fast approaching.

Like any good performer Wallace’s read of his audience is pitch perfect. He can sway with their ever changing moods, yet when the time comes, take control. Wallace didn’t write the music. He won’t produce the sound, but like a conductor of a great orchestra, he can heighten the flavor, modulate the intensity, give it any shape that strikes his fancy. He hesitates one, two, and extending the tension, a split second beyond that. He has the goods. He owns the moment. Everyone waits for him to share his secret, the name of the winner of the Hitchcock. He loves it. Fifty-five years ago, before going into journalism, he thought about acting, but his mother wanted him to do something meaningful with his life. He listened to her because he didn’t think he was good looking enough.

He will push the edge tonight. He is in that kind of mood. Wallace remains quiet for yet another moment. It rarely fails him, his patented ability to bring very serious focus to the importance of now, this very second. Slowly and clearly he speaks as if what he is about to say will be a great moment in history. He often feels like that, ever since, in a 6th grade school play, he read the Declaration of Independence to the colonists for the first time. For a moment, in his mind, they actually became the colonists. It was life shaping. He begins,

“ For two years he hammered away. For two years we ignored him… Until he got our attention… Something had to be done and he did it. Our winner joins Katherine Graham...” The applause begins. “H. L. Mencken , Samuel Clemens, Walter Winchell, Ernie Pyle, Bernstein and Woodward, and yes, Anne Quindlen, in sending a clear message, cutting through the noise which forever threatens to engulf us. The pen is mightier than the sword.” Wild applause. “The George W. Hitchcock Award for investigative journalism goes to Michael Russell of The Boston Sentinel.”

Deborah freezes. Her heart is racing wildly. She lightly pushes the knuckles of her clenched fist into her lips. She stares in front of her, seeing only a blur. Her mother’s fierce efforts, years and years of battles with her and too many tears from her, all to teach Deborah how to put on a mask, the right hair, the right make-up, how to feel nothing, or appear to feel nothing you don’t want others to know about. Everything she thought she hated most about her mother, she now treasures Her insides are on fire, yet she looks radiant, even beautiful. The applause swells and grows and grows until it surrounds Deborah and Michael, and like a wave, lifts them from their chairs into a congratulatory embrace. Esther Pollard is delirious. She is crying. So are others. Deborah leans into him, molds into his surrounding arms, finds her spot in his neck. Victory tears run down her cheeks. Then, too soon, fear repossesses her.

It is not a surprise. In recent years fear has been more of a companion than composure. Deborah has always been strong and energetic, but for a while it took everything and more for her to merely stay afloat. That was not a small accomplishment. Not everyone could have survived the misfortunes that were thrown the Russells’ way. She’s better now. Yet she still can’t be certain the spells won’t return uninvited. During the last two weeks she’s been an instant away from tears. The tears come out of the blue. Sad thought or happy thought or no thought, her eyes simply began to water. Most of the time her tears have occurred while she was alone. That wasn’t too bad. But sometimes it doesn’t matter. Last night she was crying lightly, satisfyingly. She needed a cry. Only it built into deep wrenching sobs, which took hold of her before she could stop them. She hadn’t had that happen for a very long time. She holds Michael more tightly as the applause continues.

Michael hit a nerve with his articles so right now he is a sentimental favorite. However, Deborah is not enjoying the attention. She is not wrong. People with the scoop have pointed the Russells out to their partners and whispered their story. Yes many clap and smile in support of the good cause, or with a warm place in their hearts for the Russells, but others watch them with morbid curiosity. She is beginning to question her decision to be here tonight.Michael whispers a nothing, and pulls away. Deborah watches him as he makes his way towards the stage, relieved that he seems okay, that he seems happy with his victory. She dabs at her eyes.

The clapping gains a new burst of enthusiasm when Michael stands before them on the dais. Ever so slightly he rocks, the hint of an ancient doven still in his limbs. Not knowing what to do next he imitates something he has seen on TV. He quietly studies the inscription on his statue. And still the applause continues. His eyes meet Deborah’s. Her sadness threatens to overwhelm him. He looks away, looks around the room. He didn’t know he had so many friends. Faces that have always ignored him, or scorned him, even scared him, are beaming “good job, good job.” Sally Field accepting her Oscar flashes into his mind, “They really love me. They really love me.” He tries to laugh at that. Thinking it will be funny, he parodies something else he has seen on TV. He waves the statue in the air like an athlete securing victory at the Olympics. Only it isn’t really funny. He is into it. He never became the Boston Red Sox’s shortstop. He gave up in high school. But here it is, the major leagues, a home run in the bottom of the ninth, long after he thought he learned how to stop wanting it. And he likes it. He points the statue at Deborah. He holds it tightly, savors the feeling of his hand gripping the metal. It is his. No one can take it back.

She doesn’t register where he is, what he is doing. At this point she is on automatic pilot, keeping to carefully chosen, well-rehearsed behavior, doing her version of a gallant New England lady. She looks back at him with a strong resilient smile, the best she can manage. It doesn’t matter. He is in his own orbit.

Handshakes on his return to the table, hugs, salutes, winks, a kiss on the cheek from Esther Pollard, thumbs up from Joe Dyer, a glance Deborah’s way.

She’s gone. Esther points Michael in Deborah’s direction. She’s hurrying to an exit from the ballroom leading to the outside. She turns around. They look at each other. Mascara has run down under her eyes. She mouths the words to him, “I’ll be back”. She looks as if she is angry with him. He isn’t sure why.

She had to get away. She has gone outside to a veranda, and from there into the welcoming darkness, down a path through a garden at the back of the hotel and then further away, down into the night. As far as she can go, to a gazebo by a pond, Deborah sits inside the gazebo on a bench far, far away. She takes her shoes off, brings her knees close to her. She leans against the wall almost in a fetal position. Still struggling to keep in control, she wills herself to breathe very slowly. After a while a hint of calm returns and then it grows. She drifts wherever the currents of her mind take her. In the distance the ceremonies can be heard… A bullfrog croaks. She closes her eyes. Memories from 12 years earlier occupy her.Deborah and Michael have pitched two tents at a clearing high in the Berkshires overlooking fields and farmland below. It is a day to worship the fall foliage-a symphony of color, bright sunshine, the air has a bite to it, crisp, clear, newly cold.

Michael is eight feet up in a tree. He’s taped his brand new Nikon on a limb above him from which he can look through the eyepiece while remaining seated on a lower limb. He screws a cable in to the camera, which he specially purchased for this very picture. The cable will run to the spot he has designated for himself in his soon to be family portrait so he can snap it from there. This shot has been in Michael’s plans for a year. He told Deborah about it before they arrived. It was hatched while they were making their first visit to this spot and Michael sat on this exact tree trunk, saw this great view as he looked down at Ritchie, and wished he had a camera. This time he is prepared. She watches him play with the shutter speed.

Twelve years younger Michael is a devil with light green, deep set eyes. Deborah’s striking blonde, almost hippie curls are the first thing that catch people’s attention. She is petite. She moves like a cat. The children are adorable; six-year-old Ritchie is quiet and observant, seven-year-old Lisa feisty to the full measure children are blessed. Each of the Russells have great hair, great eyes, great teeth, great skin, and a grace of movement that makes effort silent.Lisa has done enough posing,

“Dad, how long do we have to stand here?”

In complete agreement Deborah gives Michael an “enough already” look.

“One more second,” he shouts back.

He looks through the lens. It is a weird shot, the family, as seen from above. The valley, thousands of feet below, acts as a backdrop.

“I love it.” He shouts to no one in particular.

“ Okay everyone stay where you are and look up.”

Ritchie breaks ranks.

Lisa grabs her brother, “Ritchie get back here.”

He obeys his sister. She looks up at her father. Michael winks his appreciation. Still sitting on the limb, he positions Ritchie first to the right, then Lisa to the left. Then he moves Ritchie back left again. He reminds everyone that they have to look up.

Lisa is getting more exasperated, “Daddy take the picture already.”

They are very close to perfection. Lisa’s arms are thrown around Harry, their mutt. They are just about there. Ritchie could be up a little higher. But Deborah’s look of frustration has finally registered. Michael will have to settle for the picture he has now or get nothing at all. He hurriedly fiddles with the cable one last time, then swings down and hangs by the branch.

“Careful,” Deborah shouts.

He drops to the ground almost bouncing up as he lands. Score one for him against the nay- sayers. Extending the cable he joins them.

“Okay everyone, Look up… Cheese”.

They shout, “Carrot juice.” “Carrot juice” has become a tradition since it made them laugh the first time. This time is no exception. He clicks.

“Okay one more.”

It is the signal the kids have been waiting for. They are outta there.

“Wait!” he yells

Lisa yells back ,“No way.”

Ritchie imitates Lisa.

“Yeah. No way.”

Happy noise: laughter, barking, Ritchie emits a wssssss, the airplane sound he makes when he flies his model plane. Chin level he wsssses past Lisa. She drops her coat to the ground, spreads her arms wide so that they resemble air plane wings, and takes off. She shouts to Ritchie.

“Catch me.”

He reverses course and runs with his airplane after her as she circles the campfire. Then Lisa turns around and with arms still held wide, she makes Ritchie’s wsssss sound and chases Ritchie. As soon as Harry comes into the picture they join forces. Now it is two wssssers united chasing Harry. He gallops far away. Lisa shouts for him to return. He barks at her from a distance. She once again runs around the fire. Harry returns to chase her. Ritchie simply stands and watches them with a big fat grinIn the gazebo Deborah continues to comfort herself with privacy. The microphoned sound of the award ceremonies can be heard in the distance. She drifts with her memories…

The campfire is dying down, the sun is low in the sky. The children are still going, but exhaustion will follow soon … Deborah yells for them to come to her which they do without a protest. Putting a dab of toothpaste on each toothbrush, she hands the yellow tipped one to Lisa and the green tipped to Ritchie. Lisa inspects hers to be sure she’s been given the right toothbrush. She holds it up. From a canteen Deborah pours water on her brush then does the same for Ritchie. They get to work. Ritchie hums as he goes. Lisa is a more competent brusher.

“Okay enough.” Deborah orders them.

She hands Lisa the canteen for a swig of water. Lisa gargles noisily then spits it out, aiming for the longest distance. She enjoys the idea of spitting on the ground.

It’s Ritchie’s turn. He gargles and spits not nearly as far as Lisa. As compensation Ritchie sticks his toe on Lisa’s wet spot for good measure.

Deborah’s voice breaks through their procrastination. They know perfectly well what comes after brushing their teeth. They deliver their toothbrushes to Deborah. They love the absoluteness of the rules in this routine. Like a game of Monopoly, “Go to Jail, Go directly to Jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect two hundred dollars.” The excitement is only possible if you don’t ask why, why do I have to go to jail. Why can’t I collect $200 dollars. Why? No why’s are allowed. No why’s are needed. The fun comes from totally living within Monopoly.

“Okay. March to the tent.”

They march. When they get to the entrance she calls to them.

“About face.”

They do so with military precision.

“Wow. Do that again. No wait. Let me call Daddy.”

She shouts from some distance away, “Michael”

He shouts back, “What?”

“Watch this.”

Happy marionettes. They repeat their about-face.

“That is cool.”

She yells to him, “I’ll be there soon.”

She turns to the kids, “Okay. In your tent. I’ll come in to kiss you good night in a minute.” No protest. They like sleeping in a tent. Off they go.

Deborah washes their toothbrushes, listens to the crackling timbers in the fire.She shouts to Michael. He waves from the distance. She inches her skirt little by little up her long legs.

“You still got it,” he calls out.

He loves her legs. He’s told her many times that he married her for them. She swims miles at the YMCA pool every other day to keep them exactly that way.

She enters the children’s tent, picks their clothes up and folds them. They are excited. This is a treat. Normally they sleep alone in their rooms at home.

They sit side by side, their legs in their sleeping bags.

Lisa is wearing a ring that Deborah had found in her mother’s attic and sized to fit Lisa. She was told that it belonged to her grandmother’s great aunt who had never married. The ring had been given to her by a young man who died before he could marry her and she remained true. Deborah repeated the story to Lisa when she gave it to her. After that she wouldn’t take it off even when she took her bath. She loved that story.

Lisa hands her ring to Ritchie, “Put it on tonight. It means we are married.”

Ritchie counters, “I can’t marry my sister. Right Mommy?”

“Make believe,” Lisa argues.

The boss interrupts.

“Come on guys.”

Their arms disappear inside their bags. Deborah zips them in and gives each a kiss. As soon as she turns away they give each other a look of complicity.

As she leaves they giggle excitedly. From outside Deborah warns them.

“Shh…”

They giggle again. She smiles, walks away. She listens carefully. Every once in a while she thinks she hears an animal stepping on a twig. Momentarily a bear jumps out of the darkness until she reassures herself that it is her imagination. She feels a chill. She puts on a sweatshirt and gets closer to the fire. She sits on the ground, lights a joint, unwinds, stares into space, calming herself with the quiet. After 10 minutes she reenters the children’s tent. They are asleep. Her eyes embrace them. She listens to their gentle breathing. Lisa coughs. Deborah continues to listen. Lisa’s breathing is clear. As she parts the door flap of their tent she can make out Michael in the distance.

He is literally seated on the edge of a cliff, up thousands of feet. The ledge is tilted slightly downward. Deborah approaches carefully, gripping the rock with her strong fingernails for extra traction as she slides next to him. She almost slips a bit but recovers.

“Wo. That was close,” he says with concern.

“I’m all right.’ She examines her finger. “I broke a nail.”

She settles in, looks straight out.

“How is your book going? How’s Cornelius?”

“Vanderbilt is amazing- as always. What a guy.”

‘What I still don’t get is what’s so interesting about Vanderbilt?”

“I guess because he came from nothing.”

But two years on this guy. It’s like he’s part of our family. Truthfully I think he’s a macho schmuck.”“ You don’t know anything about him.”

“Is that what you want to be, a macho schmuck. Win all the time? Make everyone else lose?”

They stop. Time out. They have learned to be quiet when tension arises. She bites her lip a bit. He looks straight ahead seeing nothing. But within a minute both of them regain their connection. Silently, they look out straight ahead at the sunset, which has just begun, to the clouds now painted with color, to the distant line where the sky touches the ground. They are soothed by the soft whistling wind, occasionally punctuated by ospreys calling out their dominance of the valley beneath them. The minutes pass intensely. They feel every moment. In their fingers, in the air going in and out of their lungs, in the sky becoming saturated with color, which fills their vision.

”Remind me. How did you find this place?” Deborah asks him

“Joe told me about it.”

“It’s something.”

Again they are silent until Deborah laughs to herself.

“What?”

“Something Amy said.”

“What?”

“She said in a past life you must have been Japanese. Always trying to take perfection to the next level.”

“Do you think so?”

They both know it is true. Neither understands it. He forever reaches for the ultimate, the ultimate truth, the ultimate lie, the ultimate orgasm, the ultimate rose, the ultimate truffle flavored anything, the ultimate barbecued beef, cranberry soda, the ultimate view. Whatever it is that he likes, he wants to bring it to the next level. And when he gets there he wants something better.“

Why not?” he asks. “If you are alive why not want the best there is, just so that you know what that is like?” Greed she calls it. Deprivation, he explains, but understanding will not change it. It is simply a given.

And as she could have predicted, the sunset is a perfect one, the sun huge, the sky now vividly red and yellow. Below, at the corner of one of the fields, orange pumpkins are piled high. Very, very far away workers can be discerned, tiny dots, purposefully doing the necessary. Behind them the autumn leaves catch the fading yellow light as it slowly relents to a reddish hue. A sliver of red sun shimmers at the edge of the horizon. Then it disappears. They both exhale in appreciation. He hands her a plastic cup of wine. He is excited.

“I can see why they used to worship the sun.”

“Who are they?” She loves to tweak him.

“Ancient people. People who lived outside. Not knowing how things work, not knowing things through books, just the sun right in front of you, warm and there and huge. You have to admit God’s done a pretty good job here”

She nods. He lifts his cup. “To the big guy in the sky.”

Deborah holds her cup up.

“To the Sun God.”

They sip. The wind howls. Leaves fly everywhere. Then stillness. She looks skyward straight above, is captured by A sliver of the moon is already visible.She whispers to it, “To the god who owns the night with a whisper.”

“Only one god allowed.”

“Not in my religion.”

“You smoked didn’t you?”

She opens her arms.

“Come here Mr. Vanderbilt.”Seated at the table in the ballroom Michael keeps glancing at the exit waiting for Deborah‘s return. The award ceremony continues. He fingers his napkin under the table. It is rough which he likes. He can’t get rid of that last look from Deborah. Was she angry? Like Deborah, the excitement of the award has stirred up his emotions, bombarded him with memories. He also drifts in and out of the past. His thoughts go to seven years earlier.Two hands slap at an overturned card, a jack. Lisa and Ritchie try to out shout each other.

“Slapjack!”

Ritchie, now eleven, is sitting on twelve-year-old Lisa’s hospital bed. Both want to win badly. Happy rock n’ roll plays in the background. Lisa has mastered her bubble gum, cracking it emphatically, rhythmically, repeatedly blowing small bubbles then sucking them in. With one hand behind her back, she draws the next card.

Ritchie fakes slapping the pack. Lisa, just in time, freezes her hand. He points at it.

“You moved your hand.”

She shakes her head, “No!”

“You did!”

They prepare for the next draw. Lisa sneaks a look at the covered card. Another jack! Keeping a poker face she uncovers it. She beats Ritchie’s slap, smiles triumphantly. Ritchie is not happy.

“You cheated. You snuck a look.”

“I did not.”

“You did. I saw you.”

She brings the back of her hand to her chest, swallows hard with a little too much theatre. Ritchie watches this and suspects she is playing it up but he isn’t sure. The discomfort, real or feigned, passes as quickly as it came. Mischievously she smiles as she prepares to turn over the next card.She imitates the sound of a drum roll. Ritchie is not amused.

“Stop,” he orders.

Deborah and Michael noisily enter the room. Lisa doesn’t look up. For a crucial moment she tries to stay with her game. Finally she gives in.

As Deborah’s mother once did to her, Deborah moves the back of her hand across Lisa’s forehead checking her temperature. “How’s the patient?” she asks cheerfully.

“Is the food any better in the cafeteria? What they bring me here sucks.”

Deborah glares at Lisa. She doesn’t like that kind of talk. Lisa’s eyes drop. Michael tosses a bag of potato chips to her. Deborah tries to intercept it.

“Doctor said only hospital food.”

Lisa throws it back to her father, “I wasn’t hungry anyway."

Ritchie moves off to the corner of the room. He pretends to be busy shuffling his deck of cards, but he is watching everything.

Deborah touches Lisa’s brow with her chin.

“She definitely has a fever.”

“Again?”

“I’m pretty sure. Here, feel her brow.”

Michael ignores her and plops into a chair by the bedside. He takes the TV remote and puts on the New England Patriots.

Deborah strokes Lisa forehead.

“Are you okay?”

“No different.”

“Does anything hurt?”

“It’s the same Mom, the same. Stop asking me. That’s the hundredth time you’ve asked today.”“When did they bring your medicine? Michael, check with the nurse.”

He reluctantly starts to get out of his chair. Lisa intervenes.

“Mom. This is a big game. Ritchie you go”

Ritchie goes forward with his task. He leaves the room and heads towards the nursing station. The once grand hospital is showing its age. The corridors have been scrubbed and scrubbed Harvard style, but the marble trim around passageways has passed the point of a pleasant ivory toned patina to simply looking brown and dingy. The high ceilings seem to amplify the cold creepy institutional feeling. Ritchie shuffles down the hall. He shoots a look in the first room he encounters. A doctor and two assistants are busy preparing for a procedure. He catches the eye of seven-year-old Billy sitting up on his bed.

“Hey Billy.”

Billy, pale and clearly ill, points his index finger at him, pretending to shoot a gun. Ritchie returns the gesture. The door closes. Ritchie moves on down the hall when suddenly Billy’s scream rips through the quiet.

“OWWWWW”

"It won’t hurt…It won’t hurt. I promise you. Stay still.”

Then another scream is heard all over the ward, this one for real. In her room Lisa looks at her father. She squeezes her mother’s hand.

Billy screams again,. “You said it wouldn’t hurt. You said it wouldn’t hurt. You promised.”

“Hold him still. I can’t do this if he keeps moving."

Chapter 2As soon as they return to their fifth floor Boston apartment, Michael turns on the Patriot game. Deborah goes to a window that looks out on a playground. It is late afternoon but the children’s energy has not let up. With distance their screams are soothing, like birds chirping in the country, each different. Laughter, anger, silliness, pleading, a little boy’s voice over and over in Spanish, “Mira! Mira!”, but then another and another, “Higher…” “Get away….” “Stop that Joey...” Then a mother, “Get Over here. Now!”

When she was playground age Lisa used to call Deborah over to this window. Within a few minutes their coats were on and they were on the way to the park.

She watches a mother pushing her daughter on a swing. The playground is not calming her today. She walks in front of the TV blocking Michael’s view.

“Michael. Shut it off.”

“It’s the fourth quarter.“

“Shut it off. Please.”

He mutes the TV sound. She waits ‘til she has his complete attention.“How can you watch TV?”

“ I like it.”

“ So you can tune us all out?”

“Have it your way.”

“Not everyone has that choice.”

“Debby, Just tell me what you want.”

“We have to get Lisa out of that hospital.”

He tightens, waits for what is coming next. She goes back to the window. She watches the same mother push her daughter on the swing.

“Amy told me about this woman, her cousin. Everyone said nothing could be done… She took shark cartilage…Something about the yin and yang…”

Michael’s voice is cold. “Lisa’s not going to be treated with health foods.”

Deborah continues to look at the girl on the swing. She guesses four or five years old. She speaks softly but with determination.

“I’m not going to let them torture her.”

“What did you say?”

“They’re not going to torture Lisa.”

“No one’s torturing her.” His eyes dart over to the Patriots.

“God only knows what they were doing to Billy today. I swear. They get off on it…They stick and jab and cut. They make Lisa swallow disgusting stuff. Yesterday it was a tube. How would you like to swallow a plastic tube? She has trouble with pills. Where do they come up with their procedures? Tell me. These stupid doctors. Who dreams them up?”

“These stupid doctors are Harvard trained.”

“Oh Harvard. Mr. Harvard. There are fewer sadists at Harvard. Right? People are really nicer there.” She takes a breath then continues. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe all that smartness makes for better ways to torture children?”

“Give me a break.”

She continues, “I know you think Billy’s a cry baby …”

“Look I was wrong about Billy okay. I admit it. Last week I saw him. They barely touched him and he was screaming.”

“You called him a wus. Do you know what he has been through?”

“I was pissed, okay.? And I took it out on him. I’m not allowed to get pissed?”

“You said it loud enough so that his mother heard you.”

“You really think she could hear me?”

“Yes”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know she was there.”

Deborah knows it was not intentional and that he truly is sorry, but she can’t bring herself to forgive him. He waits. Her face has not softened.

“I was wrong. Okay?”

It is not okay. She talks about Billy all the time. That is what they do at the hospital. The patients and their families become family to each other. They are the only ones that understand. Two weeks ago Michael just let it fly. He couldn’t stand the whimpering. He looks morosely at her.

“What do you want me to say? I was wrong. I know Billy’s been through hell.”

She continues to stare at him coldly.

He answers weakly. “We’re talking about a lymphoma. Dr. Clark knows what he is doing.”

“Lisa’s not going to end up like Billy. They’re not going to break her.”

“No one is trying to break her.”

“Some of those procedures are necessary. You’re not completely wrong. But some of it is total bullshit. I’m sure of that. One day they are going to do one thing that they tell me is absolutely necessary. Then they change their mind and don’t do it or do something else instead. “

“To me that’s a good sign. It means they are thinking things over, not just following a cookbook. Would you like it better if a doctor decided to do something and went ahead with it even if he knew he had made a mistake?”

“They do things just so they won’t lose face.“

“This is not Japan.”

“Bullshit. Every place is Japan. People with egos are everywhere.”

“Maybe.”

“I swear. Half of what they do is just to do something. Anything. I’m sure of that”

“It is better than doing nothing.”

“Not when the main thing you are trying to do is prove that you are a great doctor. Or maybe it’s something else. Did you see those bills? Every time they do a procedure they get paid a fortune, what you earn in a month.”

“Deborah, the money goes to the school not them. They are doing their best.”

He glances at the TV hoping nothing has gone wrong for New England.

She shuts off the TV.

He clicks it on.

“I hate that TV.”

“Well I don’t.”

“Fine. But what about me?”

“Deborah I don’t watch TV because I want to hurt you. It helps me unwind.”

“Okay. But less… okay? Less.”

“Okay.”

She softens a bit.

“It’s just that you are not there. You miss half of what is going on.”

“Like what?”

“Everything, I don’t know…On the way home I kept thinking about Lisa’s spinal tap Tuesday. It was a nightmare.”She hesitates. He is listening. “She was a trooper… She had that little scared smile.” Deborah is half smiling, proudly.“Remember…at her birthday party…She was three? The clown broke a balloon? She was scared but it was her “princess” party. That is what she called that party. She was dressed like a princess so she had to act like a princess. Princesses don’t look scared.”

Michael does remember. It is on video. Her hands on her hips like she is about to sing out a verse from Oklahoma. Trying not to look scared, she was very cute.

Deborah continues, “ She did whatever the neurologist told her to do. She was in control of herself. It was like Lisa had invented a game. She always did that. Pictured herself in a story. I don’t who she was playing, what story. Maybe it wasn’t a story, but whatever he told her to do she did it. No resistance…” Deborah smiles fondly, “She’s a trooper…” She whispers to herself, her eyes water “She’s sweet,”

Michael is with her. “The neurologist asked her to lie down on her stomach. She listened closely. Waited for each direction. You could see her fear but she was in control, overcoming it, winning. She knows how to win. She was trying to completely trust the doctor. Then they told her to roll on her side. But when she rolled on her side her hospital gown pulled up. She didn’t want people to see her underpants. So she tried to pull her gown down. Only suddenly they were in a hurry. Like the neurologist had had enough pussy footing around. He was on go and she was on stop. They had her pinned down and they weren’t going to let go. Her fingers kept moving, trying to catch her gown. The nurses saw that and they held her wrist tighter. I was whispering into her ear, kissing her. But I could see what was going on.”

Deborah hesitates. She is fighting her tears. “I said nothing. Nothing…They could have waited two seconds so she could cover up her underpants…Lisa’s twelve. She’s a girl. I thought nurses are supposed to know about things like that.”

“They do.”

“Not any more. Half the nurses want to be doctors. They are as macho as the doctors, not tuned in. Only thing that registers is what they want to do. She is silent. She bites her lip. “I don’t understand why I said nothing.” “I wanted to scream: ”Let go of her fucking hand…”

“You didn’t want to get them upset. You wanted them to have a cool head. They were going to stick something in Lisa’s spine.”

Deborah’s face hardens. “No. It’s not that. It’s that they’re in charge. What time we come, what time we go, what they feed her. They are just automatically in charge.”

“It’s their hospital.”

“It’s our daughter. Lisa’s ours. Michael she’s ours.”

“Debbie, Amy’s health food stories are wacko. Remember that line? “The more you need the truth the more you must lie.””

“Yeah John Lennon. So?” She is getting irritated. She doesn’t want to hear theories.

“You can’t trust true believers. Their cures get more miraculous every time the story gets repeated.”“I don’t want to hear your bullshit right now. Okay?”

“Deborah please. You’re not wrong but don’t fight them. Okay? Don’t. It makes it more difficult. Dr. Clark studied for years, studied hard. He’s not stupid.”

“Fine. He’s not stupid. But you know what? It doesn’t matter… Sometimes the cancer calls the shots. All I ask is that Clark admit it if nothing is working… Because I have to take her home….”

“You really don’t get it. They are trying to save her. She may have to put up with pain because maybe it can save her life.”

“Don’t give me that “It’s for Lisa bullshit.” She’s staying there for us… For us; because we want her to be there…Shut off the football game occasionally and take a good look at her. She’s waiting for me to say it “Get dressed we’re out of here. She’s waiting for me to say it, for me to get this situation under control.”

“Debby. Taking her home will make everything worse.”

She stops. She knows that particular pitch and volume. Michael is about to blow. She is suddenly very quiet, like she has heard thunder in the distance. She has been here before. She listens carefully. They both calm a bit.

” Remember the time I had that flat tire with them in the car? Lisa was about six.”

“No.”

“AAA? I had a fight with you that night?.”

“Right.”

“I never told you the whole story...” She has his attention. “I was screaming at Ritchie and Lisa to stop fighting, I got out. Opened the trunk. I couldn’t find the’ jack, and meanwhile the back door opens. The traffic is buzzing by. I screamed. “Close the door. Close the door.” Lisa steps out anyway. ”Get back in the car. Get back in the car” She just looked at me and understood everything. I didn’t have to fake that I knew what I was doing. I couldn’t fake it. She knew that I didn’t But she also knew it was going to all turn out ok. I wasn’t going to let anything bad happen. Lisa and Ritchie used to get that from me.”

She smiles, “Lisa pushed her body against the car and slipped over near me at the back. When she was close enough she stood next to me, “Mom. Call AAA.” She knew I didn’t know what the hell to do. But that was okay because she did. She knew I was going make sure it was okay, or she was going to make sure, or someone would.”

“Sorry about the AAA.”

“It’s okay. We didn’t have the money.”

“Yeah but you were pissed about it and you were right.”

“Well you said no. I wasn’t going to let you get away with that.”

She refocuses. Her voice changes. “I also knew that you were right. We didn’t have the money.”

“ So okay we agree? One more time like this morning and we are out of there.”

“ No we are not agreed. We are going to do whatever Dr. Clark says. We have to.”

She screams at him “Clark doesn’t give a shit. It’s just a job to him.”

“He takes his job seriously. That’s enough.”

“Maybe.” She answers with traces of resignation in her voice. They are both tiring.

She pours scotch into a large glass, straight. She sips a little, then downs it. She stares down Michael’s disapproval.

“You think your praying is any different? You think you’re gonna get a miracle here?”She downs another, then continues.

“You think God listens to your mumbling? He’s old Michael. He needs a hearing aid. Because if he hears okay he’s definitely a sadist.”

“Shut up. Debby!”

In his room Ritchie is playing an intense video game which fills the room with noise, laser gun screeches, grunts from splattered monsters as they are gunned down. Every once in a while he can hear his parents He can’t make out their words, but the “shut ups” are too many for him. He turns up the volume of his game, obliterates the sound of their fighting The action gets more furious. Deborah shouts from the foyer.

“Ritchie do your homework.”

Ritchie shoots a mutant alien. A groan. Michael goes to his computer. He checks the football score. New England lost. He gets back to work on his Vanderbilt novel.