Monday, 31 October 2011

Antonio Cassano got taken off towards the end of Saturday's AC Milan vs Roma match and is now having brain scans to work out if he's alright.

The forward, 29, had complained that he found it difficult to speak or even move when the team got back to Milan on Sunday morning which is definitely a hindrance for a professional footballer. Also a human. It sounds suspiciously like how I felt when I woke up on Sunday morning after partying all night so I guess I can relate a little bit. Hopefully Cassano lives on thanks to the tests being conducted by doctors on his heart and brain at the moment or even better than that, it turns out that he just takes Halloween really seriously. That's real commitment for you. I just dressed up like Mario.

This is quickly becoming my favourite topic to write about. The sheer fucking lunacy of fans abroad. It was Italy a couple of weeks ago, then Germany and now we move on to Romania where a fan actually punched a player in the back of the head.

Steaua Bucharest were playing Petrolul Ploiesti and had just gone 2-0 up thanks to a goal from Mihai Costea. All these names are really hard to type. I might just start calling every player Smith. A fan runs onto the pitch and punches the unsuspecting Smith (George Galamaz).

He did go down like a 18 year old girl after two Bicardi Breezers during freshers week but I am actually quite shocked by the video. There are so many fucking idiots in the world. It's not a problem for me, I lost faith in humanity years ago. With no security staff in sight, the players took it upon themselves to dish out mob justice. They take the man down and administer a couple of size 10 Adidas Predators to the chops.

Two players were actually sent off for their actions. The ref deeming a kick in the face worthy of a red card. Still I'd rather take a red card and a three game suspension, than a prison sentence for assault and three cocks up my arse in the shower every day. Possibly the crudest thing I've ever written on here? I'm OK with it.

Eventually the game was abandoned after a fan threw a flare onto the pitch. I imagine the referee was just waiting for any excuse to get out of that cauldron of hate as quickly as possible. What a terrible job being a referee would be. They are possibly only rivaled by traffic wardens in the "professions people hate the most" awards. Add bouncers to the list as well, "I'm too fat and lazy to join the army or police force and I can't just walk around the streets beating people up. I'll just become a bouncer and punch students. Done."

El Hadji Diouf signed for Doncaster today, for free. Yes Doncaster. I initially wrote "Diouf sings for Doncaster", which would have been a much better story. He could have signed for a team in the middle-east for lots of money but he wanted a challenge so he chose a team in South Yorkshire. I googled "Doncaster attractions" and it turns out there is a wildlife park. Diouf fucking loves animals. He once killed a guy because he said meerkats were gay.

This is a photo of Diouf spitting at Celtic fans. It turns out he actually really likes spitting on people. Look on the internet, there are loads of photos. The internet never lied about anything so you can take this as gospel.

Diouf came to prominence at the 2002 World Cup. He actually made it into the team of the tournament, prompting Liverpool to pay £10m for him. For one reason or another, mainly being a complete dick head, he only scored 6 goals for Liverpool. That is truly terrible. I'd like to think If I played for Liverpool and just stayed upfront and onside I could match Diouf's mighty 6 goals in 80 games.

Since he left Blackburn on the transfer deadline, he has just been pissing around playing Super Mario and spitting on children. To keep fit he trained with Wigan and West Ham. He claims that he could have signed for either but was impressed by Doncaster manager Dean Saunders. People ( me) slag off the SPL all the time but I remember Diouf at Rangers, he was fucking terrible. His sole purpose in the team seemed to be to annoy as many players as possible and try to get them sent off. Sometimes he tried too hard and ended up getting himself a red card instead.

However I can't hate the man too much. Neil Warnock once said something like "I would call him a sewer rat but that would be an insult to sewer rats". Diouf just replied with, "who is Neil Warnock? He is nothing to me. He is not my manager, he is not Alex Ferguson or Arsene Wenger. He is not an important manager". Warnock, dispatched.

Since the dawn of time, football fans have dreamed of a player scoring from his own half with a header. We thought it wasn't possible. Like getting a 3G signal with Orange or actually getting to speak to a real human being when you phone BT. Cunts. Then about a month ago some chap called Jone Samuelsen dared to dream. He actually did it and went down in football folklore. For about a month. Sadly for him he has already been outdone by a Japanese chappy called Fagiano Okayama.

Fag's -

Jone's-

Have you ever tried heading a football? It's really sore. I'm not sure if professional footballers practice by headbutting each other after a few pints down at their local but they probably do. I prefer Fag's as it has the comedy bounce over the keeper which is always delightful to see. For the Jone's goal, the keeper had come up for a corner so his hardly even counts. Sort yourself out Jone.

Imagine conceding a goal from a header from the opposing half. Imagine there's no heaven, imagine there's no countries, imagine no possessions, imagine John Lennon hadn't met Yoko Ono? Have you ever heard her sing? What an insufferable anal gland that women is.

Tony Pulis has done a remarkable job to get Stoke on the map because before he took them to the Premiership and then managed to avoid relegation every year, not even people in Stoke knew where it was. Now he wants some damn respect from Premier League bosses who keep shafting him with stupid fixture lists.

image from shoutsfromthestands.wordpress.com

Stoke play Newcastle tonight, as we discussed earlier but which you will read later since this post is above that one. After that game they have to go to Israel which is actually quite far away, then they have to come back and then they have to play ANOTHER game on Sunday against Bolton. When will the madness end? A professional football club having to play three games in one week?! Pulis spoke to Mirror Football:

“It’s difficult. We could have done without the game being on a Monday night. We could have done with it over the weekend but money talks for the powers that be who run football.

“This is a completely new and unique season for us in respect of playing Saturday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday... Monday!

“We’ve only had one game that kicked off at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon – that’s out of 18 matches.

The worst part is that it's an awful hassle having to move Ryan Shawcross' cage everywhere they go. That thing is heavy and if they don't get it right it's pretty much like the opening scene of Jurassic Park. Ask Aaron Ramsey

Celtic have managed to make themselves look like overpaid minks for years (Larsson excluded), but this season is going exceptionally well for them! Joe Ledley has it all sussed out though. He's spent the last few days locked in his laboratory to conclude that if Celtic simply win all the rest of their games, they might win the league.

It's conclusive proof that Joe Ledley is wasted in the SPL and should be on his way to NASA as we speak so that he can help further the human race in their venture to explore new worlds. "We should just build a massive rocket that can also time travel" he'll say, and all in the Space Center will erupt in tears of joy! "Why couldn't we find him sooner?!!" they'll cry, as fireworks are ignited and a giant caterpillar line of people carry the Welshman out in to the night air to celebrate man-kind's next great step.

Meanwhile on a far away planet, the evil lord Magrrazhka will sit up and take note of this new threat to his people's survival. Ordering his minions to their battle stations, the Arconions will power through the Kelaxi nebula to confront Earth and it's new super-being, triggering the first great Universal war. In an impossible battle, the Earth is destroyed and the human race wiped from existence.

Steven Taylor broke his nose last week because he's SO FUCKING HARD and because it's broken he now has to wear a mask that makes him look like a futuristic lone ranger. Except one without a lot of money.

Hi-ho silver! What you can't see below in this picture is the bitching costume he has on. I'm not sure how easy it's going to be see out of that monstrosity on his face though and if someone steps on Robert Huth's foot and he swells to eight times the size, I don't think it's going to help out Steven's face an awful lot if it takes on a fist. Regardless, Steven is said to be looking forward to wearing fancy dress tonight for Newcastle's spooky visit to Stoke. They might even get to go to the haunted house and see the Peter Crouch they keep there. It's scary because he's so ugly

Steven Gerrard faces being on the sidelines for at least a month now that his ankle has an infection. I don't even know how that's possible, it's not like it's my penis.

image from stevengerrard.info

Somehow his ankle got infected and now the midfielder will miss all of November meaning that Liverpool only have 8000 other midfielders to choose from. For Kenny Dalglish that just isn't enough and now even Stevie G has admitted he's started to doubt whether he will ever be as powerful again. I assume he means at football because otherwise that would be a weird episode of Power Rangers. I'd definitely watch it though

In his first season as a manager, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer has led Norwegian side Molde to their first ever league title. That's pretty good, tbf

image from BBC Sport

He's still only 38 so could probably actually play a game or two if he needed but his new career as a manager seems to be going quite well. From the BBC:

"The club has waited 100 years for this," Solskjaer told Norwegian newspaper VG. "We have been close several times so this was well deserved.

"When Brann went 4-1, I realised we had done it. It was a good atmosphere in the dressing room and we will enjoy ourselves tonight."

He was one of those players that everyone sort of liked, even if you really hated Manchester United, which I did. It might have been that because he looked like a child you assume he's really nice, sort of like I assume any creature that has appeared in a Disney film will be able to either talk to me, or be my friend in real life. It's frustrating because I have to keep leaving the things in bins when they don't respond to my questions. Lazy.

SAF has hit out at the retards currently involved in racism disputes, calling them a bunch of idiotic cunts before passing out on the sofa and dropping his bottle of whisky during our interview.

(c) Scott Baxter www.flickr.com/scottbaxter

The legend himself has expressed his disbelief that racism is still prevalent in the game and added that (from the BBC):

"I can't believe there is any sort of issue over race in the game given the number of black players who take part.

"It's such a rare, rare occurrence for this sort of thing to surface.

"I can't even remember the last time allegations of this sort were levelled against a player."

Ferguson has an excuse for believing that racism was a thing of the past because he comes from Scotland. In my home village there was one black dude, a teacher, and upon seeing this unique creature for the first time, several of the native inhabitants greeted him by saying "alright darkie?". Now, as ridiculous as that sounds, they don't know that that is racist. If a giant blue furry monster stomped in to the town they'd greet it with the same childlike mystery.

On the other hand, Luis Suarez comes from Uruguay and I'm pretty sure he's seen a few black people before. He might not appear as brain damaged as the people from my home town but trying to get away from being labelled a racist by saying 'I called him a negro and in Uruguay that's fine' is not enough. That would be like if I went on holiday to Japan, found some Asian looking people and started squinting my eyes. It's OK - I'm from Scotland! Oh wait, hang on a minute

RVP is just amazing. He's scored 28 goals in 27 games, no-one seems to know how to defend against him and he also seems like a really nice guy. OR IS HE?!!

The minute he did this in real life, some teenagers on Twitter decided that he was doing a Nazi salute and spread it around. Subsequently all the football websites that want some traffic also decided that this was a Nazi salute and it got to the point where RVP himself had to say:

“It has been brought to my attention of some ridiculous allegations concerning my celebration of one of my goals yesterday. It is totally ludicrous to suggest that my action of brushing my shoulder and pointing to my fans could be construed as anything else but of a showing of joy and celebration. To suggest this meant anything to the contrary is insulting and absolutely absurd as nothing else came into my mind.”

So at least that's cleared up then. If he starts goose stepping the next time he scores I think it's fair to start looking into it a little further but if history has taught me anything, it's that people from the Netherlands don't like Nazis. Or is that hills?

Sunday, 30 October 2011

Neil Lennon has one of the easiest club football management jobs in the world and has managed to somehow find his team behind Motherwell in the Scottish Premier League. That's like if you entered a painting competition for children and still finished in 4th place. Except worse. It's not his fault though, of course.

image from BBC Sport

Now Lennon has threatened to 'out' the slackers in his team that have seen the side drift twelve points behind league leaders Rangers. Some players like Ki Sung-Yueng and Joe Ledley are safe from his 'wrath' because he said so in his post-match interviews but the other guys ho ho hoooooo.... they just better watch out because he's going to produce a master-class in management. If they don't start playing better he's going to tell the press who they are! If only there were a detective around here somewhere to solve this horrifying mystery.

Actually this isn't like if you entered a painting competition, it's like if you and your friends joined in an under-8s football match and you act as the manager but you still lose. And also no one likes you. At least I have internet friends, what does this guy have?

Heurelho Gomes is sulking because he doesn't get to play for Spurs anymore since they signed Vietnam war veteran Brad Friedel. Perhaps the reason he plays is just admiration for the struggles he had to overcome during his time in the jungle. Friedel I mean, not Gomes. I'm bored of that racism stuff remember.

image from BBC Sport

Oh yeh so this guy is going to move to Brazil in January. He told some newspapers. Gomes joined Spurs for £7.8 million three years ago and because he has a tendency to let in silly goals, Melty Faced Redknapp has decided that it's probably time to keep him on the bench now. He can be a really good bench goalkeeper. Would you like that Gomes? To be a bench goalkeeper? A bench bench goalkeeper?!

“The club bought Brad as second keeper behind me but the manager Harry Redknapp chose Friedel as his No1 goalkeeper.

“It is very likely that I will leave London this coming winter. I will go back to ­Brazil on a loan deal, so I can come back to another club in Europe after that.’’

In fairness Brad does have better stories about things blowing up and having to live off his own urine for several days while camped out in the Vietnamese jungle maze. If he didn't keep trying to tell stories about how much things cost back in the day he'd be the perfect man. I get it Brad, stuff was cheaper.

Championship Manager cheat team Anzhi Makhachkla want to buy Gareth Bale because he's meant to be quite good, isn't he? How much does he cost? Just offer £80billion and buy me a mars bar on the way home please.

Scoring two goals today must have made Gareth happy. I'm just saying. I'd be happy too. There's absolutely no reason to go Russia other than to be paid £40million an hour to play football so it's unlikely that Mr Bale is going to actually want to move there, but if I offered you £300,000 a week to go there, would you do it? Yeh exactly, you would. It's like if I asked you if you'd rather have one arm or one leg you'd probably say one leg because you can hide that easier. And if that arm was the one you used for 'special times' then you'd definitely say leg because what would even be the point in life that way? What am I supposed to do, use my other hand? I've had a lot of practise with this arm, thanks very much. So in that respect I think it's safe to say that Gareth Bale is a real dick for having his legs removed. Or was it his arms? Would he still be good at football with no arms? I need to research this, I think I'm out of my depth.

Oh my god I'm so bored of this fucking story. Only actual spastics are racist these days, no-one is going to prove anything from the TV footage of John Terry saying 'fucking black cunt' because he is always going to deny it and I'd just like it if I could get some interesting transfer news to be excited about rather than more people posting 'opinions' on this 'scandal'. Oh wait, here's Rio Ferdinand.

Rio had been very quiet about the whole situation, considering that it's his brother at the centre of the 'racism row', until he watched the TV footage and concluded that yes, John Terry definitely did say that stuff we all know he said. Our friends at In The Stands have some quotes by Anton Ferdinand which say:

“I didn’t know racism still existed in football until last weekend,” the 26-year-old was quoted as saying in The People.

“I thought we were past all that here. I had no idea it had happened until I left the ground. It was pretty shocking. It’s crazy, I can’t believe it.’

“I don’t need to say anything, it’s all on YouTube, everyone can see what he said. What do you think he said? Look, it’s with the FA now,”

Of course there's racism in football. There is also homophobia and an irrational hatred of people from the same city who support a different team. Actually, when I think about it, I was exposed to lots of racism growing up around the people that inhabit the small Aberdeenshire town I did but I haven't turned out racist at all. Even ask my slaves, they think I'm great. Today is lazy sunday, so they get the day off to sit in the shed or whatever it is they do.

Since Manchester United are obviously broken and will never win anything ever again, they need to begin the rebuilding process. Again. Or possibly just add some good players to their team like Javier Mascherano who currently plays in defence for Barcelona.

I can't work out what Mascherano looks like because I'm tired, hungover and my brain isn't great at the best of times but I narrowed it down to either a Goomba or a Velociraptor. Also I think the raptor looks nice in this picture. Speaking of dinosaurs, Alex Ferguson wants to spend £23million on Mascherano to help give some bite to his midfield instead of relying on Darren Fletcher and his weird running style. His other choices are Michael Carrick and Anderson who are both just awful but might serve a better use as food for the Raptors that will arrive at Old Trafford soon. By setting them loose in the enclosure, the prehistoric creatures can hunt once more rather than being fed goats tied to a stick and then they will stop testing that damn perimeter fence. Alex Ferguson is buying some velociraptors, right? That's what this story is about isn't it? I feel like I've gone off topic

Friday, 28 October 2011

I don't care what you say, that is a fucking tremendous title. It refers to Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas just telling everyone that he doesn't care about this whole racism thing and sees no reason why John Terry shouldn't play against Arsenal.

Terry has categorically denied all suggestions that he is racist and we get it, he probably isn't. AVB seems to realise that papers tend to exaggerate things in order to have news stories in order to actually sell papers. I assure you that when nothing's really happening in the world of football we also struggle to find things to talk about, so I quite believe this. Also, AVB is cool and he is 'foreign' so we can't say anything bad about him at all. We just loooooove the culture!

Nicklas Bendtner is actually playing quite well for Sunderland just now. Could it be because his team mates keep destroying all his clothes? Oh no wait he actually doesn't like that.

Nicklas likes to wear suits because presumably he likes people to realise that he's 'kind of a big deal', but since the only people who wear suits in Sunderland are the defendants or the lawyers representing them, his teammates like cutting them up. Bendtner told the Daily Star:

“I have learnt to dress down now when I come in to training,” said Bendtner, who is on loan at Sunderland until the end of the season.

“The alternative would be that I didn’t have any clothes left.

“I always like to look smart and have tended to wear a jacket and shirt, but I realised that if I arrived at the training ground in them I would not be leaving wearing them.

“Now I have to wear more everyday clothes because all the good stuff was getting destroyed

I was going to say that I don't know why anyone would find this funny but then I realised that sneaking into Sunderland's dressing room and cutting holes in Nicklas Bendtner's clothes is quite funny, and I laughed. Some people have described me as a comedy genius, others have suggested I might be socially autistic. All I know is that if you cut eyes out of a bed sheet it makes you look like a ghost.

Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish is determined to make Liverpool successful before SAF dies and a solid defence is the best place to start. Since Fabricio Coloccini has turned into a great Premiership defender and Jamie Carragher is so old he might need help going to the toilet soon, the Scot has proposed a swap-a-roo. And by that I mean he wants to just buy him.

image from whoateallthepies.tv

Jamie Carragher is 33 years old which scarily I have just realised is only seven years older than I am. In footballer years he might as well be put down but in human years he's still really sexy. I mean young. Uhhh

So Newcastle now to have try and hold on to another of their best players and of course that's going to result in him being sold for £15 million in January. Playing for Newcastle is a little like the nerdy girl at school. She's OK looking but a really nice person and she goes out with the same guy for years and years, eventually turning into a slamming hotty and then leaving him for some jerk that lives in a bigger house down the road, thus wasting all the time he put in and leaving him heartbroken. Not that I know anything about that because I am super popular. As you can tell by the fact that I'm writing internet posts and drinking alone on a friday night.

Gareth Bale has caused "controversy" today by being pictured in a Team GB football shirt and OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE OH WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN

Despite the fact that this does look suspiciously like a promotional picture for a Planet of the Apes sequel, the strip is actually pretty bad ass. As a Scottish person I am supposed to be like 'aww hell no!' to this, but because I really don't care about it, I'm not. Similarly, some Welsh people who are still desperate to not take part in Team GB incase Wales, god forbids, loses its individuality are annoyed by Bale's appearance in the shirt.

I can assure you now inhabitants of Wales, Northern Ireland, Scotland and indeed, England - your countries will not fall apart and lose their culture. Sheep will continue to graze in the hills of Wales and be sexually assaulted in the hills of North East Scotland. People will continue to struggle to grasp the concept of there being no god, let alone two, in Ireland and the Northern part and England will still be full of hooligans and retards. It's just that for about two weeks the morons amongst us all will be able to find some common ground and not beat each other up for being from a 'different' place.

Failing that let's just have a Scottish and Welsh team for the Olympics anyway. We might as well be shit at all the sports instead of just most of them.

I'm going to go on pure instinct here and assume that we don't make enough waves in the internet ocean to get sued. I shall keep throwing in the world allegedly just to make sure.Titus Bramble has been arrested and charged with two counts of sexual assault and possession of a class A drug. Sounds like one hell of a party. Allegedly.

I chose this photograph as it looks the most rapey and makes you think, "look at him, he's definitely a rapist." Allegedly. Rape clearly runs in the family. Allegedly. His brother Tesfaye was jailed for four and half years for raping a girl last year. Their parents must be so proud.

Of course until he is convicted, he is innocent in the eyes of the law. However I'm not the law. Bramble has provided us with many hilarious moments in football. Tripping himself up, own goals a plenty and having the facial expression of a gormless idiot at all times. Sometimes I even felt bad for Titus. Every time he put a run of a few good games together, he would ruin it by doing things like these. I definitely don't feel bad any more.

Titus Bramble is nowhere near good enough at football to get away with something like this (See Kobe Bryant / O J Simpson etc) and let's hope justice is served. If he is guilty of course. Allegedly.

Oldham Athletic have a terrible mascot. Chaddy the Owl is described as a family favourite and gentle soul. This obviously wasn't the opinion of one Preston North-End fan who punched him in the face.

Chaddy was just hanging out with a young child before the game, taking a few photographs like all owls do. Then out of nowhere some thug walked up to him and punched him on the side of the face. Luckily owls have a lot of protective feathers so Chaddy wasn't hurt. However the child who witnessed the crime is too traumatised to talk and psychologists don't believe they will ever be able to face the true horror of what they witnessed that day.

According to Chaddy the culprit just walked over casually, gave him a right hook, then walked off to the bar for a pint like a boss. Police are treating this as a hate crime, since Chaddy is both an owl and a homosexual. Wearing thick make up and proud of his sexuality, Chaddy does not want the man who punched him banned. He simply wants to know why he hates gay owls.

"perhaps he was raped by an owl when he was younger? I really don't know. I want to meet this man and show him that he doesn't need to feel threatened or scared by all us gay owls. We are really nice. I've never raped anyone, I just fly around eating mice whilst listening to the Pet Shop Boys"

If you or anyone you know have any information that could help the police please dial 999.
Or perhaps you or someone you know has been raped by an owl? Sorry I don't have a number for that.

It wasn't so long ago that everything was going swimmingly for Manchester United. Tom Cleverley was called up for England. Smalling and Jones were playing so well that nobody cared that Vidic and Rio weren't playing. Then Cleverley got injured, Smalling was moved to right back and Ferguson started playing Johnny the rapist Evans. Follow all that up with a 6-1 raping from Manchester City. Everybody panic!

In the summer everybody was talking about Manchester United's centre of midfield. Or rather the lack of one. The will they, won't they surrounding the signing of Wes Sneijder eventually turned into they didn't. After the demolition from Manchester City, the papers seem to think that Manchester United are going to sign pretty much everyone who has a potential ability of 180+ on football manager.

It's not even November yet but come January, we could see bids from United for Sneijder (again) - £30m, Javi Martinez - £18m , Krasic - £something and Nicolas Gaitan for £40m. Throw in any other central midfielder who is good and soon enough United will have spent the countries entire defence budget on solving their midfield frailties, or shitness for use of a better word.

It seems unfair that so many journalists make money from completely making up transfer stories to fill columns in their wank rag newspapers. At least at FitbaThatba we try to make our lies entertaining and we don't even get paid. For example did you know that Mario Balotelli dressed up as a clown and showed up unannounced at a children's hospital on a unicycle? Police were called after his juggling act got out of control and set fire to the ICU.

Thursday, 27 October 2011

If there's one thing recent news stories have taught us, it's that Roberto Mancini really understands his players. Hoping to help Adam Johnson achieve the potential he had three years ago, the Italian has publicly told him to start actually trying. Even against Wolves.

Even though Johnson could have been riding a unicycle, juggling knives and drawing pictures of cats on his legs and still have been one of the best players on the pitch against Wolves last night, Mancini still isn't happy that once he's scored one and set one up, he just sort of chills out because his work is done. Look, he even said it:

"Sometimes he thinks, 'OK, in this game I scored one goal, I did an assist, that is enough'.

"I am disappointed when he doesn't put everything on the pitch."

Johnson did sort of turn the entire game around against Mick McCarthy's gabble of retards, as they shall now be forever known, but he is a classic example of an English player doing the bare minimum expecting maximum reward. He's been talked of as one of England's greatest hopes and potentials but then again when I think about it, so has almost literally every single other English player below the age of 25 who scores a goal against someone good. If Junior Hoilett ever scores a goal against Manchester United, the tabloids will probably request a knight hood for him. The tabloids excluding The Daily Mail of course, which will raid his bins to try and find a way to have him deported. Or tied to the back of a truck and driven through the dessert.

Occasionally we receive distress signals from footballers that disappear off the radar but recently we realised that we hadn't heard anything at all from Alan Smith, killer of dreams. We opened an investigation and discovered that he is currently being utilised as a provider of non-renewable energy on the bus to and from games.

image from mirrorfootball

If the electric battery runs out on the Newcastle team bus, Alan Smith will either be in charge of shovelling coal into the furnace to power it, or have to throw himself into the fiery chamber in order to allow his team-mates to reach their destination. Made of almost 100% pure 'average-inium', he has the potential to help a bus run at 32mph for about 2 and a half hours by simply being burned alive, provided that the energy released is harnessed correctly. He's just that kind of guy!

These heroic characteristics have alerted several Championship teams to his powers and he may be shipped out on loan to get some valuable playing time. I say valuable because he's been getting paid £60,000 a week for the past four years. I think even the Queen plays more football than him. And earns less.

Who doesn't love a good bet now and again? A flutter on the horses, a fiver on a weekend coupon or spending more money than you can remember in a casino on a Saturday morning at 5am - it can't harm anyone. Unless you are a footballer and spend all your money on it. Like our friend, Dominic Matteo!

This guy used to play for Liverpool, Leeds and Stoke amongst others and even managed to con his way into quite a few Scotland caps. I hope I'm not alone in being pretty astonished that he managed to spend over £1million betting on horses until the day that he stopped. That means that Dominic Matteo is a millionaire. CURSE YOU UNIVERSE

Citing 'boredom' as the reason he took up a massive gambling habit which sometimes saw him spending up to £100,000 on a single race, Matteo has revealed in an interview with some legitimate newspapers that he called it a day when his wife laid an egg and a human child came out of it.

He also mentioned that boredom is why Michael Owen is now so obsessed with horse racing because apparently doing whatever the fuck you want all the time is just so dull compared to working a soul destroying job every minute that you are commanded to and physically able to do so. And on the other side of the coin, just reading about Michael Owen makes me so bored that I want to punch a swan in the face

PSG have given us a helping hand in figuring out where David Beckham might be heading when his contract expires in November by reportedly ordering 20,000 shirts with his name on the back. It's either that or they are having a really weird Halloween party.

As we've discussed before, David probably doesn't have much of a choice in this decision and Posh spice is going to have no trouble adjusting to life in France - particularly in Paris since she seems to be quite in to her fashion. A real cutting bit of journalism for you there. She'll also fit in right away with the rest of the city if the rumour I started above that 20,000 Parisians are going to be dressed up as David Beckham is true, because they'll no doubt be hanging out with their own girlfriends who will be dressed up like Posh. Either that or like hot skeleton zombies. Like I said, she's not going to struggle to fit in.

Carlos Tevez and Roberto Mancini have an interesting relationship. Mancini clearly hates Tevez, whilst Tevez only really loves his family and dancing around like a tit on youtube.

A game of back and forth has gone on between the pair since Mancini claimed that Tevez refused to come on against Bayern Munich. Tevez refuted the claims and said it was all a big old misunderstanding. Mancini used google translate which told him that Tevez had refused to play and insulted his Mum's spaghetti. Tevez was then fined four weeks wages at around £1m, or 5000 weeks wages to a normal person. I could easily find out the average UK wage and figure this out properly but I definitely won't.

Tevez appealed his fine and he has been backed by the PFA-

"The PFA's opinion, based on all the evidence presented, is that Carlos Tevez never refused to play for the club."

His ban has been reduced to two weeks wages. Tevez gets the added bonus of getting to rub the whole incident straight into Mancini's wonderfully handsome face and we all know that's all he really wanted all along. I'm on Roberto's side so here is that video of Tevez dancing like a bell-end to cheer him up.

Chelsea want to build a new stadium. They are a modern club who don't really give two G&Ts about the history of Stamford Bridge. They want a 60,000+ all seater stadium like the other "big" clubs. Unfortunately for them, they don't actually own the land that Stamford Bridge is on.

Thanks to a billionaire man, Chelsea are now an extremely wealthy club. It didn't always used to be like that and in the 90s they actually sold the land to a supporter-led group "to ensure the club wasn't made homeless". Talk about your all time backfires. Now they can't actually convince them to sell the land back to them. They need to make profit on selling the land before they can move to the new stadium.

Chelsea assumed that the meeting was a formality. They ended up with their pants round their ankles when they only got 61.6% of the 75% votes that they needed. Their Chairman Bruce Buck tried to cover up his disappointment and prove he was a real fan by saying -

"I can only hope that, on Saturday, we all get together, support this club and beat the crap out of Arsenal."

How utterly embarrassing. It reads like something my Mum would say when she is pretending to be interested in anything sport-related. I just googled him and he is American so that would explain his awful attempt at football "banter". Thinking about it, Chelsea fans must still be pinching themselves. In the 90s they played Gavin Peacock and John Spencer upfront. The mind boggles.

It's almost the weekend and we are still talking about the John Terry "did he or didn't he" racism from last Sunday. Nobody seems to know what actually happened. Which seems strange to me, surely Anton Ferdinand knows what he said? Three QPR players were reported to have given or were going to give evidence but they came out today and said NO!

Some papers reported that Clint Hill, Paddy Kenny and Shaun Derry were all going to give evidence in the FA's investigation. They are now said to be furious that their names have been brought up and will have no part in the proceedings. All three of them are white. Just saying.

The newspapers are full of ex-footballers who for some reason, seem to think we want to hear their opinion. "Ian Wright thinks that if John Terry is found guilty, he should be sent to Harlem with a sign that says "I hate n***ers" akin to Die Hard:With A Vengeance". Naggers obviously, you lot are worse than John Terry.

"Les Ferdinand thinks that if John Terry is found guilty, he should be banned from planet Earth and sent away on a rocket ship into space. There he will see out the remainder of his life with nobody but Timmy Mallet and Bobby Davro for company". For any of our international readers, you may need the help of youtube.

Ashely Cole said that he didn't hear any racist abuse. I assume the Sun thought this was relevant as he is a black man. However that is factually incorrect. He is actually subhuman scum and therefore isn't allowed an opinion on anything.

Robin van Persie is possibly the greatest 'striker' in the world right now and Arsenal are doing well to hold on to him. Now they will all be much happier because he's started negotiating a new contract! Yaaaaay

Robin is the only current Arsenal player to have won a trophy whilst at the club, which is actually a bit of a ridiculous statistic for you. This guy should have won league titles, FA Cups, Champions Leagues, La Ligas but instead he gets to carry a very average team around and haul them up in to the 'top five' category year after year. It's a bit like how I bring the goodness out in everyone around me. If I could describe myself most like one other person it would be jesus, or his dad.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Recently I wrote about Napoli fans stabbing people in the bum. Germans are known for their efficiency and it seems their football fans are also rather efficient when it comes to crowd violence and stadium destruction.

Dynamo Dresden traveled to Dortmund for a cup match with Borussia Dortmund. Dresden are in the league below Dortmund. Realising that they had no chance of actually beating them, the Dresden fans did the next best thing. Kicked the shit out of the stadium, smashed things up, set off lots of fireworks and set fire to the toilets.

Not content with scaring the Dortmund fans shitless and causing £150,000 worth of damage. Dresden fans also clashed with police officers, which resulted in two needing medical attention. They destroyed around 200 seats, smashed up kiosks and kept interrupting play by throwing fireworks onto the pitch.

It may sound a bit dangerous and aggressive but it certainly does sound a lot more fun than watching my local team Aberdeen. My typical experience at Pittodrie is sat down in a half empty stand, hearing some twat behind me shout advice to the players such as; "get inte him!" "hoof it out min!" and "fuck off you poof/mink/cunt/prick/arsewipe/etc". All the while being out-sung by 200 away fans and counting down the minutes to half time so I can get a steak pie.

If you were wondering if the actions of Dresden's fans had any effect on the pitch. The answer is no, they were comfortably beaten 2-0. At least you kept your dignity and made your team proud.

Samuel Eto'o has given an interview about life in Russia with his new club Anzhi. He talks about the reaction to his quite frankly disgusting wage and the reasons behind his move to the Russian league. Football and his family and stuff and other things. I don't believe any of it.

Samuel Eto'o was playing in Milan, one of the nicest cities in the world. He was playing for Inter Milan, one of the biggest football clubs in the world. He was one of the best strikers in the world and being paid accordingly. Rumours began to circulate on twitter that he was going to sign for Russian club Anzhi but nobody really believed it. Then it became apparent they were willing to pay him £330,000 a week. Before you could say "fuck off!", he had signed. Some quotes.

"The future of football is Russia"

Straight away that's nonsense. The fact that Spain are ripping it up and raping everyone at every age level suggests he is incorrect. In fact, the entire interview annoys me.

"No one wants to work for little money, otherwise they would be living on the streets. I don't care what people think. I think all of us want to work and get paid what we are worth. Anzhi made an offer, which was at the same level as my talent, and they are paying me what they think I am worth"

What an absolute twat. Did he feel he was on little money at Inter? Where he was easily on £100,000 a week. I would imagine closer to £200,000. If he is worth £330,000 a week then how much does he feel Ronaldo and Messi are worth? What about doctors and nurses? People who actually fucking save lives and contribute something of real value to society.

There is more shite about building a project and doing the right thing for his family but I stopped caring and required David Attenborough's soothing voice from BBC1's Frozen Planet to cease my rage.

In conclusion, the point of the interview was to convince people he didn't go to Anzhi for the money. Then he spent 90% of the interview talking about money. Then I got annoyed. Then you stopped reading.

Hearts are ran by a mad super villain/criminal called Vladamir Romanov. He likes to sack managers, pick the squad and buy 100s of Lithuanian players but he doesn't like paying people. Nobody ever got rich paying people did they?

from the mirror

The Hearts first team were at the cash machine at midnight, looking to withdraw their monthly wages. Imagine how pissed off they were when they realised they were still in their overdraft and couldn't afford to go to Weatherspoons.

It would seem that Octobers pay has not come through the system yet. Perhaps it was just an error from the finance department. Or perhaps it's because Hearts' parent company UBIG have debts of £36.1m and they cannot transfer money to Hearts to pay their players because they don't actually have any. I don't know, I'm not a Doctor.

When my local pub went bust, they didn't tell any of their staff. Employees showed up for work one day and there was a sign on the door that said "we're closed. no money. soz lol". I envision something similar with Hearts. They will arrive at their training ground to find all the lights off and the doors locked. Romanov will have taken the kettle and toaster and fucked off back to Lithuania to pursue his real dream of being a professional basketball player.

According to the The Sun, Mario Balotelli's Mum asked him to go out and buy an iron and ironing board and instead he brought home a lorry with two vespas inside. And also some Scalextric and a Table Tennis set. I think I might literally be in awe of this guy. Or in love with.

That's what you're supposed to do when you're rich!!!! Think about all these bullshit boring millionaire playboy footballers we've had to put up with for the last ten years!!! Jeeeesus. The only interesting things they seem to do are rape people, repress their homosexuality and bitch and whine constantly about completely irrelevant stuff or everything is unfair. This guy goes out and buys toys. Remember when you were little and wanted to live in the super market so that you can play with all the toys and eat all the delicious fresh bread? He's probably already done that.

Moldova isn't a real country because I can't work out where exactly on a map it is. If pushed I would guess somewhere next to that large part called Ussr, which I can't even pronounce properly. Which brings me to my next suggestion that someone should really change the name of that place as well. Meanwhile:

This dude is annoyed about something like a wrong decision, or being sent off, I'm not sure even knows tbh but rather than simply accept it and play on, he decides to punch the referee very hard in the side of his face. To avoid being banned and it affecting his career (he's 35 btw) he then decided to just retire straight away. So take that, Moldovan FA.

In other news: holy shit Russia is massive. Go and look at a map right now! I was joking earlier about where Moldova is. Honestly.

Wayne Rooney had his 26th birthday night out after that game against Man City. I can't remember the score but I do know that he invited a lot of the team that absolutely humped his own and didn't let his own team-mate Nani in.

To celebrate his birthday and the fact that his new hair hasn't been slowly killing him, Rooney invited Joe Hart and some other football players blah blah blah meanwhile Nani was in some restaurant on the other side of town getting abuse from people. Nothing exciting appears to have happened, I just think it's interesting that Nani wasn't invited. It gives the girls something to read as well. Look, I can't be hilarious all the time ok?

photo source: whoateallthepies.tv via Metro

I am also nearly 26 by the way. My life doesn't look or seem quite as glamorous as these people but at least my Mum says that I'm a really special boy. And my Doctor. I forget which is worse

Pep Guardiola seems to enjoy nothing more than annoying Arsenal be it by either spending the last five years stealing their captain or just by beating them at actual football. Now with the power of email he can be sarcastic and make enquiries about Theo Walcott.

If only Theo was due to have his contract renewed sometime soon then this story would make perfect sense... oh wait a minute. Seriously, Barcelona? I suppose you have to make it someone good so that the Arsenal accountants offer a proper contract and not some measly £10,000 weekly increase. If he started the rumour that Everton wanted him, Wenger could pretty much just tell him he can sleep on his sofa and it's still more than he'd get if he moved so it makes sense I guess. Not that he started the rumour of course, and his agent certainly didn't either. He definitely didn't let a journalist accidentally overhear whilst in a bar, while his friends then asked why he was shouting it so loud in their faces. Barcelona definitely want to sign him. True fact.

Roberto Mancini and Carlos Tevez might seem like BFFs but actually they hate each other. Now Mr Tevez wants some more money out of his manager because he doesn't quite have all the money yet. There's probably more money somewhere. Oh yeh and his reputation

The club have charged the Argentine striker on five different counts including "being a jerk" and "not playing when I fucking told you". Being fined four weeks wages is quite a lot for the average human but this guy misses out on £1million so it's probably worth claiming back, especially if he wants to get another stamp on his collectors card.

Yes, Carlos now wants to sue the Italian for 'defamation of character' which seems fair if it's true that he didn't disobey orders but seems kind of pointless now. We've all been told by the media not to like him so I'll stick by that forever - the tabloids know everything and in fact without them, I wouldn't even know how to eat properly or what I'm supposed to think about teenage girls, murder or immigration. Where else am I supposed to find these things out? It's not as if there's anything better on the internet.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Fresh after allegations of racism, John Terry has upset some of his fans by not showing up to open pet store "Reptile Kingdom". Oh John, you absolute beast.

courtesy of the telegraph

As you can see, literally about...........10? People showed up to watch John Terry cut the ribbon and officially open Surbiton's newest attraction "Reptile Kingdom". Terry was expected to show up after his training at nearby Cobham. Presumably he decided that he would rather play golf and bang some sluts then open a shop for a bunch of lizard loving losers.

The owner of the pet store claims that it was organised through a mutual friend. An official from Chelsea said that Terry was asked twice to open the store but both times turned down the opportunity. First he upsets every black person in the world and now he has upset the exotic pet lovers of Surbiton. Throw in Wayne Bridge and every football fan who doesn't like Chelsea and it pretty much leaves him with Tim Lovejoy as his only friend.

Owner of the store, Terrence Clark said "John Terry really is a c**t". You can't argue with that.

We all love Balotelli. He's a brilliant footballer and completely mental. After his recent firework incident, it turns out his "my friend did it" excuse was adequate and now he has been asked to front the Treacle Greater Manchester firework safety campaign. Presumably to stop children doing exactly the kind of thing he did.

from the metro

As we reported last week, Balotelli had to evacuate his house after fireworks were set off in his bathroom and nearly burnt his house down. Mario cleared everything up -

'The newspapers got the story wrong about me and the fire at my house. I didn’t set any fireworks off, it was a friend of mine'

Who am I to doubt Mario's honesty? He followed up the above quote with -

'It is an important message that children should not mess with fireworks. They can be very dangerous if they are not used in the right way. People should follow the firework code.'

Thank goodness our children have role models like Balotelli to look up to. If these kids ever get bored of drinking cider and mugging old grannies on their estate, perhaps they can kick a football around instead or throw darts at each other?

Remember kids it's not big and it's not clever to launch fireworks at each other or throw deodorant cans into bonfires but it's certainly a lot of fun.

This story seems to be gathering speed around the internet universe and crashed into my eye balls this morning. A game in the Czech Republic was annulled after the police had to step in and breathalyse the referee.

from whoateallthepies.tv

This is the referee in question. The reason his clothes are such a mess is because he was so hammered he actually fell over a few times. There are no rules in place to say you can't go out and get hammered before refereeing a game of football. Our man went out for a game of bamboozled to celebrate his birthday before the game. Skited off his tits, he thought it would be hilarious to officiate the game still blootered. He was right.

It isn't clear if he decided to wake up and get hammered first thing in the morning or if this was the result of an all nighter. I'm not sure which scenario I prefer. The man's name is Thomas Fidra, he "smelled like a brewery" and was "unable to stand up straight". Rather than pretending to be sober and not draw attention to himself, Fidra decided to send three players off from the same team instead. For absolutely no reason other than he was hammered and thought it was really funny.

Eventually the police actually came on and breathalysed the referee who's alcohol level in his blood was 1.94%. I have no idea if that's high or not but considering a beer can be about 4% and he is a human, that does sound high. The team with 11 players still on the pitch refused to attack and the game was ended after the referee finished his chips and cheese, then passed out on the half way line before pissing himself.

Monday, 24 October 2011

As the headline suggests, tubby defender Toure could leave Manchester City to join the French version of Man City, Paris Saint-Germain.

from the guardian.co.uk

I didn't actually realise but Kolo Toure has already served his 6 month ban from football. According to the internet, Toure was obsessed with his "fat belly" so he was hammering back diet pills to try and control his weight. It had a banned substance in it which resulted in him failing a drugs test. Oops.

Perhaps I am being rude but Toure is a professional footballer. He surely has a personal trainer, nutritionist, dietitian, the best gym facilities available and let's not forget it is his job to stay fit and work out. How the fuck does anyone with all these things so readily available still have problems with their weight? Learn some self-control and put the fucking pies down. Seriously with all the training you are doing, how much are you actually eating?

Kolo says there has been interest from PSG. They are a similar club to City, in that they will be happy to pay him and obscene wage. If he cannot get his space in the team back from Joleon-Clingon-Lescott then he could be on his way in January. Signing Kolo Toure after the Christmas holidays? Better order more diet pills.

Alex Ferguson is understandably raging with his team after watching them get destroyed by Manchester City. According to the Guardian, as a punishment Javier Hernandez is to be tied down until the end of the 2015-2016 season.

from randomblog.com

I chose the above photograph because he looks like a confused-lesbian-owl. Perhaps he just heard the news that he was to be tied down and bummed by Gary Neville for five years to think about what he did. Of course this joke is thin at best so I'll move on. Hernandez has signed a new five-year contract with Manchester United to show that he is fully committed to the club.

Hernandez actually has the best goals per minute ratio in Premier League history. With the criteria being that you have to have scored at least 15 goals of course. I know this because I am a full time FitbaThatba bum and Sky Sports News told me this about 100 times today. This isn't a real job by the way, I don't actually get paid. If you want to pay me, you can send money direct to my house. I live in Scotland. It's pretty small so you should find me easily enough.

There were a few rumours that Real Madrid were interested in buying Hernandez. Real don't really do "interest", they just point at people and throw sacks of money at them. Expect to see the lovely lesbian scoring 100 goals a season in La Liga next season.

Hasn't he already played for Real Madrid? I remember they signed him and Gavin Harris. They both scored in that epic Champions League final against Arsenal. That was actually Goal 2: Living the Dream. I always wanted to write a spoof of Goal but then realised that I couldn't possibly find a worse footballer than the star of Goal so it would be a pointless enterprise.

Mohamed Al Fayed is perhaps most famous for rapping with Ali G on CH4 a few years back. In his spare time he hangs out at Harrods, makes terrible Michael Jackson statues and occasionally runs Fulham football club. He must have had five minutes to kill today so he slagged off Mark Hughes to the press to pass the time.

from the dailymail.co.uk

Reportedly incensed after reading Mark Hughes' comments at the weekend, Al Fayed wanted to get some things off his probably chest. Hughes said that Al Fayed had a face like a crinkly testicle and something about not matching his ambitions. He wanted to sign Castolo from the Pro Evolution Soccer Master League but ended up with Bobby Zamora.

Al Fayed was probably drunk and accused Hughes of betrayal. Here is a quote -

"it was not the club but Hughes who lacked the courage and ambition to take on the task of leadership. If people are looking for a flop, they only have to [look] no further than the man who has lost his spark."

In fairness to Hughes, finishing 8th in the league with Fulham is pretty much all you can hope for. However he did make himself look like a complete twat when he left the club thinking he was going to get the Aston Villa job. Then they decided to go for old ginger melty face Alex McLeish instead. Hughes then used the classic "I didn't want the job anyway" excuse to try and hide his embarrassment.

Al Fayed has challenged Mark Hughes to a hell in a cell match to settle the score but Hughes himself has publicly stated he would prefer a tables, ladders and chairs match up. There should be further developments on this story tonight. In my dreams, from my brain, where most of this story came from.

Sexy Swede Sven-Goran Eriksson has been sacked by Leicester City. I assume because of the picture below. He is far too sexual for a team like Leicester.

from cultsha.com ?

Not so long ago Sven was an English hero. He took over from Kevin Keegan when England were a complete shambles. Keegan's management style I imagine to be similar to that of James Corden. Mainly shouting all the time and finger pointing, without actually having any tactics whatsoever. Not to mention just being a really annoying cunt. England only went out of the 2002 World Cup to Brazil because Ronaldinho lobbed Seaman (lolz) from 35 yards. At least the media had someone to blame for the loss.

Then Sven started shagging everyone and was earning so much money he stopped caring about winning and football and the weather and Jesus and everything. Rumours are he was caught wanking into a pile of £50 notes whilst Ulrika Johnson shaved his testicles and watched re-runs of Gladiators. Awooga!

Leicester have sacked Eriksson because he has been really shit. He has spent a fortune, something like £20 bloody million. That is ridiculous. They were beat at home on Saturday by Millwall 3-0 and only have five wins out of thirteen games. FitbaThatba asked Sven for a response to his sacking. He showed me a mini bank statement and skipped down the road into the sunset.