Little Acts of Kindness

I often feel like I am doing little acts of kindness for my wife - getting her morning coffee when I am the first one up, cleaning her glasses when I clean mine, emptying the dishwasher when I get home before her, offering her a snack when I get up to get one for myself - I could go on and on. And it feels like she hardly ever returns the favor in kind. I'm thinking that these things just don't make it to her radar - and that it has to do with her ADHD. In fact, I HOPE it's related to her ADHD, else it would mean she is a thoughtless person. This is beginning to take it's toll in that where I never gave it a second thought in the past when I do something for her, I now find myself thinking things like "I wishe she would do this for ME sometimes." (And I have actually said that to her sometimes "Honey, I wish you would get MY coffee once in awhile.") Or else I intentionally DON'T do something - like offer her a snack when I get one for myself - so that she can see what it feels like, and then I feel like I'm being mean and passive-agressive. The rare times when she DOES do something, she makes a point of saying something to me about it to make sure I notice (like I wouldn't notice!), which also makes me resentful for some reason.

I'm wondering if anyone else is experiencing something like this and if you have found a way to deal with it - either by getting to a place where it doen't frustrate you or by getting your spouse to at least sometimes do something that's considerate without having to point it out to you when she does.

Comments

I know exactly what you mean. I was killing myself with little acts of kindness and getting very little in return. It got to the point, with us, that I truly think he expected everything to be done for him. It was exhausting. And yes, let me tell you, if he did anything for me, it was like the world had to stop rotating so he could be noticed doing whatever. I finally just stopped and reminded myself that he isn't an invalid and is suppose to be a grown man.

I just realized where a lot of my stress comes from and that is trying to share something with my hubby or letting him use something of mine. It is so frustrating. All my things have a place. He NEVER puts anything in the same place twice. If I let him use something of mine, when I go to use it, it is gone, missing, lost. I spend a lot of time looking for my things that he has "misplaced". I have decided that I am going to keep my IPod, tweezers, stamps, keys, cell phone, deodorant, etc. in my purse. Argh! Anyone else have that problem? It's not always little things either.

I, too, would do little nice things for my husband (little notes in his briefcase, little emails just telling him I love him, cards hidden below his pillow or in a suitcase if he were going somewhere, etc.). They were neither reciprocated nor acknowledged. And both hurt. Not that I expected much - and I certainly didn't expect him to do something right after I did just because I had already done it. But it would have been nice to have a little surprise here and there.

I finally just flat out told him that I'd appreciate it if he'd simply acknowledge that I had done something for him. Let me know he found the note, send an email back when he got mine . . . and he started to. But I felt like I was begging for him to say something about it. And I didn't like that feeling.

I don't send the notes or emails as often now. Once in a while I do - and when I do, I feel good about it. I've just gotten to the point that I don't expect him to do anything randomly for me. I know that if I want something from him, I have to ask.

When we'd have company over for dinner or just to sit around and chat, he'd ask every one in the room if they'd like a drink and go ahead and get the drinks for them . . . and himself. Then he'd sit and chat. Leaving me to get my own drink. I had a chat with him about that too. I told him that not only did that hurt, it was embarrassing. I'm not sure exactly how (if it was something I said, or just that I said it), but he now remembers to ask me if I'd like something, too. I suppose I should be happy about that. Somewhere in the back of my mind I'm annoyed that I even had to ask.

Now I will say that one of the nicest things he does for me is to rub my feet at night. It's not random but it's nice. If we sit on the couch, and I swing my legs toward him, he'll take my feet and rub them. So it's not like he never does anything nice for me. I just have to ask.

Okay, I'm chuckling because when my husband's therapist suggested the book "The 5 Love Languages," we had fun deriding the term "love tank," but there is something to the simple message in the book. People appreciate different things. It sounds like "acts of service" are what do it for you; maybe your spouse expresses love differently and doesn't understand your need for these acts.

The book isn't written specifically for folks with ADHD, so I'll add that I have to often remind DH in his other language, Computer: If this :( then that :)

So, I came home the other night and my wife had left me little love notes. One I found when I opened the washer to put in the laundry, which she knew I was planning to do. One I found when I opened the refrigerator. One I found posted to my computer. And one I found in the coffee filter when I went to set up the coffee before going to bed. They each said something about what she appreciated about me. I really appreciate that she put some thought into this and especially that it was in direct response to my commenting that I wish she would do little gestures that tell me she loves me. I am very touched, and feel very lucky, that she is actually hearing what I am trying to say and taking some action as a result. One thing I can say about my wife - she is not a quitter. When she puts her mind to something, she is tenacious. I really admire that about her. And the fact that she is being tenacious in working on these issues of ours means a lot to me. And yes, I told her all that. :-)

My experience with my ADD partner as been similar. He does leave notes, say things and hug me and tell me I'm wonderful - but it's the more "practical" things that are only going from me to him and not the reverse. In fact this sometimes happens simultaneously - he will get up to pour himself more coffee and stop to kiss me and tell me I'm beautiful but not ask if I need a refill, or he'll tell me what a great cook I am as he eats an entire side dish without passing it to anyone else, or he'll stand under me as I teeter on the counter trying to change a track light bulb, juggling the old bulb and the new one, and he'll tell me something sweet and affectionate but not offer to help or hold a bulb. It doesn't occur to him. It's an odd thing.

Oh, I so agree that I would like my wife to do more of those kinds of acts. For example, I wish that when we are watching TV at night that once in awhile SHE would be the one who gets up and offers to get a snack for us. I can't tell you how many times it's ME who says "Would you like some popcorn?" or "Would you like a bowl of strawberries?" or something like that, to which she always answers "yes I would!" and I always end up being the one doing the work of getting it. Granted, it's not a LOT of work, which is why I refer to these acts as "little acts of kindness."

It just occured to me that the next time I feel like a snack instead of offering to get it, maybe I should say "Hey honey, do you feel like having some pop corn?" and when she says "yes" say something like "Would you mind making it for us?" Maybe that's what people mean when they suggest that we be more explicit with our ADD spouses in telling them what we want. I mean, I'd love for her to be the one to think of offering, but maybe that just isn't a realistic expectation given her ADD (thoughts on this??) My guess is, she'd probably say "Sure! No problem." I wonder, though, how long it will take her to actually get up and make it after she does agree to make it? (Here I am projecting again based on past behavior. We'll be in bed on Saturday morning and I'll say - hey honey, would you please get the coffee this morning. She'll say yes, but 30 minutes later she still hasn't gotten out of bed to get it. And if I say something, her response often is "You always want everything in YOUR time." And I know that's just her being defensive. We joke that she has a "faulty starter" but I think when I say something that points that out to her, she feels bad and so get's defensive and "attacks" me by making a comment like that. Sigh.)

But back to the love notes. I agree that they were more words of affirmation that actual "acts." But I think my wife is having difficulty understanding what exactly I mean by "acts." And the fact that she did more than just TELL me she loves me, but actually took an action - writing and hiding love notes - tells me she is trying. She is getting closer. So rather than tell her that they weren't exactly the kinds of "acts" I am talking about, I decided to just appreciate that she did something. I figure I can be more specific about the kinds of things I am hoping for some other time.

But, I don't know how much of this is ADD and how much is just the type of person. It's true that someone with ADD might just not notice that "hey, I bet whlie we're watching this movie he would like some popcorn" or "his coffee mug is empty, I'll ask him if he wants more." Everyone here talks about their ADD spouse never doing the "little" things but quite honestly, my Non-ADD husband never does these thing for me either. It's just his personality. I used to think that if I did these little random "acts of kindness" that he would recriprocate. If I came up and rubbed his shoulders that he would do the same. But, it never quite worked out like that. I used to write him little love notes or just do sweet little things to let him know I was thinking about him. But, after recieving no positive response I've stopped. Maybe it's my fault for not just asking more - "Hey, I would love a shoulder massage too!" Often people with ADD don't get hints so if you want something try to be specific.

He would go through phases where he would do all sorts of lovely little things to remind me how much he loved me . . . and then they'd just stop. It was very strange. It would go on and off like a light switch. I tried very hard to consistently do lots of things, little and big, to let him know that I loved him. He would sometimes notice, sometimes not. Sometimes he would reciprocate, sometimes not. Sometimes he would reciprocate with something he wanted, as opposed to how I wanted to be treated, and that could be a little frustrating. But he did try. But he looked like he didn't "get it"--as though everything was an exception, or a big event. Nothing was just "in the course of the day." He really had a hard time wrapping his head around things, and it was painful to watch him just try to manage as a husband sometimes.

But the big issue with us for little acts were the practical and "I'm thinking of your (or our) health/safety/welfare" things when we weren't in "emergency mode." You see, his hyperfocus THRIVES on "emergency" mode and trauma--he's right there for everything, and I *did* appreciate that, but who wants to live from one emergency to the next? Sometimes, I wonder if he fostered emergencies and trauma (unconsciously) in order to keep things "interesting."

At any rate, I remember a light bulb burning out in our hall months and months ago, and I told myself I would *not* change it--I would wait and see if he would. He wouldn't. It barely registered with him. I nearly fell down the stairs after a couple of weeks of groping in the dark, so I caved and changed it myself (and--mea culpa--grumbled about it).

Now, he *might* have changed the bulb if I had said "Honey, could you change the bulb that's out?" but he might have waited a few days or weeks--longer if I didn't get out the replacement bulb for him, longer still if we were out of bulbs and a trip to the store was needed. I pretty much had to keep the whole house, and most aspects of both of our practical, day-to-day lives, in my head or else the place--and us--would fall apart. As much as I miss my husband sometimes, I don't miss the stress of that.

It's funny that you say you wondered if he "fostered emergencies and trauma (unconviously) in order to keep things intestesting." I remember reading in a book on ADD in which the author mentioned that because people with ADD tend to gravitate toward extremes that they will unconsiously start fights because they thrive on those stressful situations. My husband will agree with that statement as he says I start fights all the time! Even though consiously I HATE conflict and avoid it as best I can. Even though I can hyperfocus with the best of them, I am not the emergency hyperfocus type of person. I will shut down and become useless in an emergency. It seems to be those unimportant things that I hyperfocus on.

I know it's hard to "get" how the person with ADD thinks. No more easier than it is for me to "get" how a normal non-ADD person thinks. We tend to focus on the things that are important to us and that affect us at the moment. My son has had a nightlight in his room since he was born. About a month back the lightbulb burnt out. I still haven't gotten around to getting a new lightbulb. it's not that I don't care. It's that I just don't think about it until I'm reminded of it again. Like last night when my son said it was too dark in his room. Hopefully I'll remember to stop and pick one up at the store today! Someone without ADD may not be able to grasp that, but it's my reality. On the other hand, the light at the top of our basement stairs has been out for months. It bothers me to no end, but I can't get my non-ADD husband to change it! I know it affects him just as much as me, but he just ignores it. I honestly think he's just too lazy to get the ladder out to change it. (I'm pregnant and not about to get on a ladder to do it myself.)

A great book to read, for any couple, ADD or not, is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It addresses this very thing, that one person is doing the very things that they love and make them feel loved, but the recipient may have a different "language" and while the thing you did is nice, it's not the same impact. And they don't get it that it would make you feel loved. It's very concrete, and would be a big help I think to you AND to an ADD husband (or any man) since men in general seem to do better with a concrete idea of what to do for you instead of hints, or just... wanting to "feel loved." It seems obvious to us but not them. And of course, yes, SAYING that you would love a massage would help a lot, probably. :)

It works both ways though, really. My husband's love languages are Acts of Service (which sucks because I too am ADD) and Physical Touch. So sometimes I have to remind myself that just sitting close to him on the couch when watching tv makes him feel more loved. I don't need that as much, so I don't always think to do it. Mine are Quality Time (which sucks because he has ADD) and Words of Affirmation. For so long he was doing Acts of Service, because that's what HE likes, which is nice... but I just want him to freaking talk to me and pay attention to me, not make me a salad. Every time after we have a fight, he'll go make me a salad. I've learned to accept the salad as love, and to get him also to talk to me sometimes too. lol And I've learned that doing certain chores for him does not always signify that he's a sexist pig and wants a maid, but that it actually makes him feel loved. (He should have married a maid!) Creative compromise: Sometimes... we sit in the kitchen and we makes salads together and we talk!! Win-Win!

This is kind of rambling... so I hope I'm making sense. The five are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. The book maintains that people will have a primary and a secondary "language" that speak love to them most (because all of the things on the list are "nice" but some people want roses to feel loved and other people would be angry that he bought roses when he didn't say good morning). The book makes some really poignant cases about people who actually were trying to love their spouses yet no one felt loved. It's true probably of any marriage, but when you add the joy of ADHD to it, oy vay! But this helps fix some of those things... a new perspective.

Just to add to my post on love languages, which was more oriented toward the woman... I hadn't seen your post yet about your wife... So I'll add these thoughts on your situation: because since she IS trying, maybe reading that book, written by someone else so it feels objective and not judgmental (not that you're being judgmental necessarily, but if you feel defective already you think everyone IS judging you). I guess the other question is What is HER love language... you getting her popcorn is your love act, but maybe she doesn't see that she is "taking" something from you because as nice as getting popcorn is, it's not that big of a deal to her. Maybe she is also feeling a lack even though you are getting her popcorn (and wishing she would get YOU popcorn). Do you see what I'm saying? Is she inadvertently telling you SHE would like love notes? Love notes are "nice" to you but don't really cut it. Perhaps in her case, you writing a love note would be worth 75 bowls of popcorn. The trick is in finding out what works for the OTHER. Make sense?

Also, perhaps you need to be a little more realistic in your goals. I'm not a morning person, my husband is. I'm sure he would probably like it if I made the coffee. But I am dead in the morning, I dont' want to speak to anyone, I don't want anyone speaking to me. That's not a character flaw anymore than the fact that my husband is not willing to hear any noise, or communicate after 8:30 p.m. It's just a difference. He is not going to be doing me any favors past 8:30 p.m. and it's not personal. I accept this. He has a harder time accepting the fact that just because he's wide awake at 6:30 a.m. I don't care to hear the radio playing Metallica. I don't appreciate being seen as selfish or because I won't get up when he does, want to listen to that or make his coffee. I'll do something else, I'll make him a lovely plate of appetizers for after work, with cold cocktails, but I am not making his coffee. So anyway... if she's not a morning person, then adding THAT particular expectation is not fair. Popcorn, fine. But when you get into morning issues... different story. Especially if you are asking her to get out of bed for you! Like you're making a point out of it or something. Pick something else. JMO! :D (Of course I don't even drink coffee, so take it for what it's worth)

Clearly I have ADD!! LOL ... and/or I can't operate my computer. Somehow I think I read all the posts and I then I keep realizing I hadn't scrolled far enough. (I am really not familiar with this forum layout yet.) This book was already mentioned I see. Sooo, sorry!! I did add some info about it though. Sorry for blathering away about something already said.