Whether you’re a reader or a blogger you’ll be aware of the many (probably hundreds) of packing list posts telling you how to pack everything from a camera to your underwear in all sorts of manners. They’ll tell you what to bring and what’s a waste of time and they will spend hours painfully photographing everything they are putting in the bag/case to help you know what you should be taking with you.

So here’s my list, the ultimate packing post to get you on the road for weeks or years at a time…

You buy a backpack.

You take some things from your wardrobe

Some things from your drawers

A few accessories & other random bits and bobs

With a dash of electricals

And you’re finished! Ta-da!!! That was easy wasn’t it?!

Unless you are visiting a specific place on your travels such as trekking up Everest or visiting Antartica etc then ultimately all the packing lists are useless. Why? Because we need to make our own mistakes in life. Yes, we can get an idea of what we might want to bring or keep at home but essentially it’s your decision. Some bloggers and guidebooks might be in the ‘Jeans??? Are you kidding me?!’ camp and others might tell you that it’s absolutely necessary to pack your favourite pair because they ‘go with everything’.

Other packing guides may say that if you’re going to Asia, unless your work is online, to keep the laptop at home because there are internet cafes everywhere which is true but I’ve got movies on mine so maybe I want to watch one of them in the dorm room one night when I don’t feel like going out? Some people think taking a paper journal is a waste of time given the prevalence of computers etc these days but despite my blog, I absolutely adore writing a paper journal when I’m on my travels so I’m definitely going to pack one.

The longer you travel and the more years you travel, the better you become at understanding yourself and your needs. Maybe you realise that no, jeans are not needed or that you haven’t bought a paper journal because photography is more your thing. Maybe you bought a pair of killer stilettos once you got to a Western country for a few months and you carry some nail polish with you because you like to feel girly?! Maybe you’re a guy that’s bought a suit for £30 in Vietnam even if you didn’t really need one at the time but ended up going to a interview and you nailed it because you felt so great in your suit?!

Do you see where I’m going with this? We all give advice but essentially it’s all worthless because making our own mistakes is the only way we learn in life. Maybe after a couple of years of travel the amount of clothes you have has doubled and you can’t fit it all in your bag anymore. Maybe you’ve ditched all your previous clothes and replaced them with yoga pants and hemp clothing. Maybe you’ve become a minimalist and you only own one pair of shoes? Who knows what will be happen in the future but it’s up to you and what you learn about yourself and your needs.

As I said, if you’re going to a place that needs specific items or certain clothing such as Iceland in the winter or camping through sub-Sahara Africa then yes, get some advice but again, despite all the advice in the world, you’re still going to make mistakes and look at certain things thinking ‘why the hell did I bring that’; likewise you’ll be wishing you brought other things with you that you know are packed in a box at home.

So here’s my advice for the ultimate packing list.

Pack anything you want!

Pack too much, too little, jeans or no jeans, journals or no journals, this is YOUR journey and things will happen along the way that will change your feelings about things and give you better insight than a guidebook or blogger could ever give you. If you need things along the way you can buy them or, if you have too much, you can offload things.

Either way, it’s your bag and you can put whatever you want in it!

So don’t panic, just pack!

]]>http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/ultimate-packing-list-everyone/feed/2http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/ultimate-packing-list-everyone/6 simple ways to meet new people in Sydneyhttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ReclaimingMyFuture/~3/U2-gVKmJQhs/
http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/6-simple-ways-to-meet-new-people-in-sydney/#commentsWed, 13 May 2015 00:56:09 +0000http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/?p=5402Though Sydney is surrounded by water, it’s still a city and has many of the traits of a city – it’s a stressful, fast-paced environment, people are cliquey and it’s really hard to wrestle your way into friendship groups and meet new people.

But after being here a few months and trying to collect new friends like a Pokemon championship, here are six easy ways to meet new people in Sydney…

Get fit

Whether it’s a local class or a city-based event with thousands of people, getting fit is a sure-fire way to meet new people. Yes you have to invest a little money buying workout gear (head to Kmart!) and signing up for an event or class but if you get to meet new people and get fit at the same time, what’s not to love?

Many body class such as yoga and Pilates etc offer cheap trials to get you going or, if you sign up to the relevant newsletters, can get ‘early bird’ or cheaper tickets to the big events such as City2Surf, Colour Run and the Sydney Marathon. Groupon is a great place to grab a good fitness deal if you’re prepared to turn up somewhere alone!

Sign up for events, talks and classes

One of the best websites for finding out things going on in the city is EventBrite. Whether it’s a marketing event to help your online busuiness or a blogging workshop, there is a little something for everyone on here. Likewise, if you check out Laneway Learning you can learn about anything from how to play a Ukulele to body painting for a small fee or even free. General Assembly in the city centre is another great tool for listening to unusual talks and classes (I went to their very well organised Etsy workshop and learned a lot) or head down to Bondi Beach every Friday morning for some yoga, surf and socialising with the OneWave crew who support mental health awareness.

Spend time in the common room or bar

When you first arrive you’ll likely spend some time in a hostel or have friends who are so why not head into the common room and kitchen (as often as your patience will allow it) and get chatting to other people in the same situation as yourself? Other travellers are inherently easy to connect with because you’re in the same situation as others so it’s easy to head out for dinner with a bunch of people you barely know! If you’re not staying in a hostel, then head to one of the bars that backpackers frequent such as Scary Canary’s, Scubar, Side Bar, Scruffy Murphys, Maloneys etc.

Accept invitations

When you do start to meet new people, accept the invitations they extend to you even if they’re a ‘friend of a friend’ or a work colleague you don’t know too well. Go to the party. Pay $9 to join them Dragon Boat Racing (we won!!). Go for a walk in new a suburb or coastal path. Your connection to them may be loose right now but you can strengthen it and who knows what other kinds of people you’ll meet because you said ‘yes’. I met an acquaintance on Twitter when I first arrived and now him and his wife have turned into family for me over here. All because we pushed through our nervousness of meeting new people and turned up to a chocolate café!

Go on a tour/organised trip

These are especially good if you’re alone or just in a pair and want to meet new people. When you arrive in the city, many hostels offer walking tours as part of their welcome package or you can head along to one of the ‘I’m Free’ tours offered around the city. I met two girls on my first very day (both solo travellers like myself) on a tour offered by my hostel and almost 2 years later we still see each other regularly now that we’re all back in Sydney! Likewise, take an organised trip for wine tasting or to the Blue Mountains etc and meet other individuals or small groups of people who want to enjoy themselves with new people!

Talk

That sounds like an incredibly dumb cop-out piece of advice doesn’t it?! But do you realise how few of us actually have or even start conversations with new people further than the necessary small talk? When you sit on a bench in a park, do you smile at the person sitting next to you? Do you compliment the stallholder who has incredible jewellery you love? No? Then start because you never know where a conversation could take you. Maybe that stallholder will tell you about a creative workshop that’s happening or the person on the bench will tell you his favourite walking route that visitors don’t know about.

How do you meet new people?

]]>http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/6-simple-ways-to-meet-new-people-in-sydney/feed/1http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/6-simple-ways-to-meet-new-people-in-sydney/My Australian roadtrip wishlisthttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ReclaimingMyFuture/~3/5n7MXtCOULU/
http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/my-australian-road-trip-wishlist/#commentsSat, 21 Mar 2015 03:36:15 +0000http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/?p=5359In case you didn’t realise, Australia is a big country so when any traveller says ‘road trip’, what we really mean is let’s check used car prices on Gumtree because it’s the only way to really see what we want without paying over the top costs for a tour or a simple flight from A to B on some awful budget airline that will probably cancel our flight when we get to the airport.

If you’ve been reading this site for a while, you’ll know my heart and soul live on the coast. After spending the first four years of my life on an island before spending the next 24 living within 10 minutes of 7 different beaches, the ocean and living next to it is at the very core of who I am. I get such a yearning for the oceanic horizon that when I was living in rural Victoria, on visiting Melbourne, one particular friend of mine would always take me to the beach to get my ‘fix’.

And given that 98% of Australians live on the coast, I would have to agree that it’s one stunning place to be and there is so much I want to explore…

Perth to Exmouth

In total it’s about a 14 hour drive between the two though I’d spread it over a week or so. Why? Because Perth is the only true city in Western Australia and though you could argue that every city is the same, it’s a good place to start exploring. And the drive to Exmouth? Well that’s filled with a whole host of goodies several national parks are a good place to start! Not only that but the great Monkey Mia Bay is on your way which means an obligatory stop to interact with the wild dolphins that come into the bay each morning. But the real reason I want to do the roadtrip and finish in Exmouth? Because, if you time it right, you can dive the Ningaloo Reef and see whale sharks and there is even an opportunity to microlight over the reef which looks simply jaw-dropping.

Cairns to Fraser Island

I would think this is obvious? It’s another coastal route but there is so much to see and do. Whether it’s all the fun rainforest activities such as ziplining or taking in the stunning views of the Whitsunday Islands, there’s a reason why the East Coast route is the most popular for travellers here – there’s something for everything. Whether you’re a diver or a photography addict always looking for the next view to snapshot, there isn’t much that you can’t see and do. I’d love to 4×4 over Fraser Island, sail the Whitsundays (on a nice adult boat – not one that promotes drinking and sex!) and dive the Great Barrier Reef from a gorgeous vantage point such as Lady Heron Island. My ‘to do’ list is endless for this roadtrip!

Tasmania

I don’t know much about Tasmania other than, from all the photos I’ve seen and people I have spoken to, it’s incredibly underrated and that it has everything to offer from wilderness, hikes (I’ll force myself to complete these for the photographic opportunities) to amazing viewpoints over-looking the ocean. I want to explore a place that so few put on their Australian itinerary and let it amaze me

Where would you like to go on an Australian road trip?

]]>http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/my-australian-road-trip-wishlist/feed/4http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/my-australian-road-trip-wishlist/The unconventional inspiration which began my Australian dreamhttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ReclaimingMyFuture/~3/XZvWGvYIpTM/
http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/unconventional-inspiration-began-australian-dream/#commentsFri, 23 Jan 2015 09:49:23 +0000http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/?p=5313In my time here in Australia I have met a lot of people; a lot of people like me. Here to experience the ‘Australian dream’ for a year or two. But ask them ‘why’ and you are usually left with the fairly standard reply of ‘because I’m young enough to get a working holiday visa so thought ‘why not’?’. You don’t tend to get a very profound answer. And so, I wanted to confess to my, rather unusual, source of inspiration that had me apply for a visa and fly to the other side of the world away from everyone I knew.

You see, I never wanted to come to Australia. When it came to working holiday visas, I planned on heading straight to New Zealand. Why? Because I’d heard that Australia was party-central and I didn’t want that. I wanted the serene beauty but with few people and lots of space. But then in 2011, a few months before going to Africa, I discovered a TV programme and my Australian dream began.

It wasn’t Neighbours or even Home and Away despite the breathtaking scenery in the latter but a lesser known (though one with a quiet cult-like status) show called Bondi Rescue that began my dream and ignited my desire to experience Australia. For anyone that hasn’t heard about the programme, it’s a reality documentary where, every Summer season, cameras follow the every day occurences and incidents of the famous Bondi lifeguards and its beach inhabitants.

I imagine you’re thinking that I came to Australia in the hopes that I would ‘bag myself a lifeguard’, in which case, you are sorely mistaken. You see, whilst I did come to Australia because of the lifeguards, it wasn’t because I wanted them but because of everything that they embodied.

Health:

For anyone that doesn’t know about Bondi beach, it can command up to 40,000 rescues in a year.

For those 40,000 people that need rescuing annually, there is a tiny team of men and women who are in charge of saving your life, should you need it. Their job, and your life, can ultimately come down to how fit the person rescuing you is. However, their physique is not for vanity but for your benefit.

And yet, many of the lifeguards extend their fitness beyond the workplace. They practice yoga and meditation, teach personal training sessions at the gym or enter triathalons all over the world. They are fit and healthy, not just because they have to be but because they see it as an absolute way of life and after years of not caring enough about myself to look after my body from the inside out, I wanted to use them as inspiration to get fitter and healthier.

Friendship:

You can’t fail to notice that the lifeguards aren’t just colleagues but friends on a very deep level. They are there for each other, just not because they have to be but because they want to be. When there’s a boring day (which I’m sure they’re grateful for), they laugh with each other and at each other and when they lose someone, they are on the phone to see how each other is coping. They train together, celebrate life together and make mistakes together just as good friends should but the fact that they also work together just seems to make their friendships that much sweeter and I wanted that.

I wanted to be able to say that I had a great social network full of friends that love and support me. To know that, no matter what achievements or struggles I may face, they were there cheering me on.

Positivity:

No matter what the beach and its people throw at the lifeguards, they never fail to stay positive and enjoy life. They are beacons of strength and I am not afraid to say that after years of struggling with depression, I wanted to be able to say that I loved my life too. That I woke up in the morning and loved where I was and what I was doing. Who doesn’t want to be able to say that??

Aside from the job, they simply love to be in the water. Some of them started their water careers on surfboards before it was even considered a sport. Most of them haven’t lived far from Bondi their entire lives and for them, the little oceanic suburb on the East Coast of Sydney isn’t just a home, it’s an institution.

And so, I bought a one way ticket in the hopes that I could be part of the Australian dream they so lovingly (and probably unknowingly) promoted.

I wanted to be able to be fit and healthy, like my job, have good friends and, as a result, love my life and so I came to Australia to chase the dream. I wanted a chance to experience what they had and I’m incredibly lucky to say that I have despite needing their help when I was ill last year but that’s another story for another time.

Since arriving back in Sydney at the beginning of October, I have lost approximately 5kg meaning I have dropped well over a dress size. I am moving more (often running 5kms three times a week), eating less, eating smaller portions and eating better though everyone is allowed to cheat with some pancakes and ice cream! I have a stress-free job I enjoy, incredible friends that have got me through some terrible times recently and I live in a gorgeous art-deco room with Bondi Beach at the end of my road.

Absolutely everything; from the way it now looks to the way it’s going to sound, I am using this relaunch as a fresh start.

Something huge happened last year; I changed and only in writing for my new website, Reclaiming Your Future, did I come to that realisation. I became a stronger person. A more emotionally in-tune person. A better person; a better version of myself.

And everytime I tried to come back to this website, I did so with embarrassment because I couldn’t bare to look at it. The design no longer felt warm and cosy but cluttered and ‘noisy’. If my new website represented calmness and serenity, this site became my Monica’s closet – the place in which I hid everything I didn’t want seen behind a closed door and forgot about it.

My journey over the last few months has not been kind and when I struggle so intently, words, my one true medicine, fail me and I can’t write which is why there are gaps both in my posts and my online presence in general. I didn’t want to promote a fake persona and so I followed the age-old advice of – if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything.

I thought I would want to write about travel again when I moved back to Australia in June but it just didn’t seem to fit; as though I was attempting to convince myself that I was ready when, deep down, I knew I wasn’t. I needed time away. Time to try and live my Australian life again. And after almost dying in October I now feel ready.

I’m ready because I’ve changed and for me, and this site, it means a few things…

I have decided to begin deleting a lot of my old posts. Many people won’t agree with this step as they argue that it shows a progression and change in your literary voice and to see how far you’ve come but I am a world away from the girl that went to Asia all those years ago and I no longer need or want to be reminded of her. I know who I was and who I am now and my personal truth is all that matters.

I’ve deleted some categories and pages and added new ones instead so explore the site and see what you think. As for the truly personal words and the pieces on inspiration and self-development, unless they’re travel-related, I am writing those on my new website Reclaiming Your Future and I do hope you’ll join me there.

I want to delve more into conservation and its intracacies both in the written and physical form. I want to understand the issues more and hear first-hand accounts of people and institutions in their quests to help our ever-growing list of threatened and endangered species because it matters to me and I want to chase that curiosity.

My ebook about overlanding Africa will be launching soon. I could have launched it together with this redesign but I wanted a soft launch. One where I could get my bearings for travel writing again and then deliver the book with a re-ignited sense of passion and belief in it so if you find any technical issues, let me know please! Some may argue I’m missing an opportunity but the beauty of my new-found change is realising that what other people say is just opinion and it doesn’t need to have any bearing on me or my life if I choose it that way.

I will begin to integrate myself back into the travel writing community; slowly. I don’t want to be a ‘blogger’, I want to be a writer. For me, for you, for anyone that wants to follow my journey but I do want to reconnect and find new, similar, travel writers out there. That write from the heart and believe in their journey. I want to expand my circle but I will do so with great awareness.

I will write what I want to. I feel the world deeply. Sometimes that means it’s incredibly joyous and others, soul-destroying. I can’t promise which side of me and my writing you will see more of; I can only promise that I will try and remain true to myself and my new, emotional journey and hope that it brings you some comfort, advice and peace for your own adventure whether that’s a travel adventure or general life.

There will still be humour. Still swear words when I get passionate about something. Still tips and information. But I’m refocusing on the stuff that’s truly important; the journey.

Toni x

]]>http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/welcome-relaunch-reclaiming-my-future/feed/4http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/welcome-relaunch-reclaiming-my-future/On quitting travel blogging & what’s nexthttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ReclaimingMyFuture/~3/PDDbVTaN9T4/
http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/quitting-travel-blogging/#commentsMon, 12 May 2014 20:27:45 +0000http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/?p=5135Firstly – did you miss me?! Doubtful. With the amount of travel blogs and sites out there on the ole interweb, I doubt my silence even registered. However, that’s about to change (I hope).

You see, there’s been a good reason for my silence. Well, 4 good reasons in all honesty.

My health. If you’ve been following my journey, you know it’s been a tough one to get my head around and so I needed some ‘quiet time’ though thankfully things seem to be turning around for me.

I’ve launched a new website! It’s called Reclaimingyourfuture.com and it’s a personal development site for all the people that want a little real advice and comfort when life gets a little tough. It’s a sort of ‘anti self-help site’

I’ve become totally disullusioned with the travel blogging world

I’ve finished my ebook about Africa! It’s been on the back-burner ever since I returned from the continent that changed my life but now it’s in the final stages of being proofread and edited and I can’t wait to share it with you!

My Health

For anyone that’s been following my journey, you will know that within a few weeks of arriving I became very ill and after a relapse in February I made the extremely saddening decision to return home from my indefinite travels in Australia. Thinking I would be back in Australia within a few weeks, my world collapsed when I was diagnosed with an incurable autoimmune disease and told I would be on drugs for the rest of my life.

It’s taken a great deal of mental strength (or should I say lack of it) to understand a condition which is random both in its cause and progression but I’m slowly getting used to the idea that breakfast now consists of drugs as well as cereal.

I have, however, recently had some more positive news about my health (update soon) which I’m extremely grateful about!

My new website

It’s been a while since I posted purely travel-related content and I naturally seemed to distance myself from it as I discovered that my true passion wasn’t travel writing at all but personal development writing and so I’ve created a new website called Reclaimingyourfuture.com. It has honest pieces in which I talk about advice, failures or difficulties in the hope that it helps just one person reading – I deemed my writing on here as ‘personal words’ but in truth, I think most of what I have to say is personal; it’s simply a wonderful bi-product when someone sends me a heartfelt thank you message saying they can relate.

And so, I realised that I had far more to say on a personal, advice level than I ever did travel-wise, particularly because I am currently back in the UK until I work out my new move and partly because of reason number 4…

I’m done with travel blogging

I just can’t be doing with the ‘schmoozing’ of it. The cliques of consistent people going on so many campaigns, tours and ‘quick breaks’ that their surnames might as well have been replaced with hashtags. Am I bitter or jealous? No. I couldn’t think of anything worse than going on trips with no personal meaning sharing that time with fake people that just want to network instead of getting to know each other on a deeper level.

But I can’t bring myself to network online either. When I first started this site, I went on to every ‘big’ blog and commented etc to ‘get my name out there’ and sure, it worked (slowly) and I got more likes and followers etc but now that I’ve started my new website, I’ve realised more and more just how fake that is and how little I want to repeat the same pattern of leaving ‘nice photos’ as a comment when really, every big blog you comment on is already in a clique of their own in the first place.

So I’m done. I’m done with the egos. The fake and fragile ‘friendships’ (including all the bloggers (who I considered friends) who have stopped connecting with me now that they have become bigger than me). The constant hashtags. I want to write on my own terms and in my own parameters and I’m struggling to do that currently so bear with me as I attempt to reconnect with myself and you as a travel writer and work out what that means for both this site and my Facebook and Twitter accounts.

I have a book coming out!

It seems like every other blogger and their partner has or is writing an ebook right now and I think that brings a misconception that they’re easy to write. Sure, if you’re dedicated, have the time etc then I’m sure you can write one within a couple of weeks or a month depending on the subject and depth. Mine has taken 2.5 years to finish.

I could tell you that there’s one good reason for that but in all honesty, there are a few. I became quite unwell mentally and it took a long time to recover, I also had a full time job and lost motivation, I moved to the other side of the world to start again. But in it all, every now and then I would open my document and continue to write a few words, sentences or sometimes even pages at a time and I felt good for it; not just because I was writing a book I felt passionate about but because I was battling my own demons to complete it.

So what’s it about? In short, overlanding Africa. Before I backpacked from Cape Town to Nairobi, I was blown away by how little information there was to research in terms of what I needed to pack, what I could expect from the countries I was visiting or even how overlanding worked; my book attempts to overcome all of those issues and I’m excited to bring it to you! I’ll keep you posted!

And so, there you have it. My news. Things are about to change here and on my social media channels and I look forward to having you along for the ride…

]]>http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/quitting-travel-blogging/feed/21http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/quitting-travel-blogging/The day you get told you have an incurable illness…http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ReclaimingMyFuture/~3/MLPoqTlElks/
http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/day-get-told-incurable-illness/#commentsWed, 26 Mar 2014 16:22:43 +0000http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/?p=5077There are a great many things in life that we can control. What we eat, what we say, what we do; the list is endless. But one thing I have recently discovered is that health is never really in our control and can change in an unspeakably horrid instant.

A little over 3 weeks ago I flew home from Sydney due to bad health. Leaving in October, Australia was the beginning of my indefinite travels and I didn’t expect to visit home for at least a couple of years but sadly, within just a few short weeks of arriving, I became sick. Little did I know back then just how much my life would change in the coming months.

Back in November when I began to feel exhausted, had no appetite, couldn’t keep my food in and turned yellow, I was told I had suspected liver damage due to an allergic reaction to medication I hadn’t taken before. Everything seemed to fit the profile so I didn’t question it. I had no choice but to continue to work through my horrible symptoms and took comfort in the fact that the liver is a fantastically healing organ and within a few weeks I would feel fine again.

Fast forward three months and my symptoms are back and so much worse than they were before to the point where 4 mouthfuls into a salad and I’m running to the bathroom. My eyes are bright yellow with jaundice, all I want to do is sleep and I’m scared of eating anything for fear it will only make me feel worse. This time I attribute the relapse to having 2 vodka and cokes, simply telling myself that my liver was not as healed as I thought it was.

My friend said I looked like I’d been in a fight with a nuclear reactor!

Back at the doctors they start believing that my liver is not, in fact, the cause and that a gallbladder obstruction would explain all my symptoms. I am sent for an urgent ultrasound followed by an urgent CT scan and am told by the doctors that my gallbladder is grossly abnormal and I need it surgically removing within days. And this is where the Universe stepped in to help, though I didn’t realise it at the time.

I briefly considered staying in Sydney to have the surgery. Under Medicare rules, I would be entitled to the surgery for free in a public hospital and having your gallbladder removed is a very routine and small surgery. However, as the doctors were screaming how worrying the situation was, I began to wonder that if I had complications, I wouldn’t be able to afford to stay without income. I also had no support network left. In the two weeks previous to my abnormal gallbladder being discovered, my 3 closest friends (who I would have asked to help me out) all left the city and my cousin, who lived an hour North, had too many plans to come with me. And so I made the extremely quick and necessary decision to come home. There were just too many ‘what ifs’ if I had stayed in Sydney that I couldn’t risk staying so I looked into booking flights.

My last sunset over Australia and it was a beaut!

I considered coming back the following Thursday when mum mentioned that from the Wednesday, booked weeks in advancenot knowing I would be coming back, she actually had 8 days off from work so I booked to fly on the Tuesday to spend as much time as I could with her. Thumbs up to the Universe I thought; the timing couldn’t have been better.

And then, less than 24 hours after landing at Heathrow Airport, I was at my doctors surgery with my CT films in hand telling him what had happened and that I had come home for gallbladder surgery. He replied by telling me, after a very quick glance at my radiology report and blood results, that my liver WAS the problem as first suspected, not my gallbladder. He told me I would be having urgent blood tests that day (I filled 5 vials!!!) and an appointment with a Consultant who specialised in liver problems. I felt deflated and upset that in 10 minutes he’d taken me right back to square one but was also angry at the thought that my doctors in Sydney had misdiagnosed me so badly.

A week later and I was paying to see the Consultant privately to speed up the investigative process. I went into the consultation with every expectation he would tell me that whatever condition I had would be diet-controlled. ‘Your liver struggles to break down protein’ or ‘stay away from a highly fatty diet’. I was not expecting his next sentence to change my life…

“I believe you have autoimmune hepatitis”.

And with that, my voice began to tremble and tears began to pour down my face as my body began to shake.

“Hepatitis?? But all my tests came back negative! Oh god, were they wrong?!”

He went on to explain that hepatitis is merely the term for inflammation of the liver and that it was NOT the infectious strain in which you worry about contamination. Essentially my body is attacking my liver, trying to fight off an infection that isn’t present. My body was, and is, attacking itself into illness; the exact opposite of what it is designed to do.

And when I didn’t think he could say anything worse, he spoke two words no person wants to hear:

lifelong and incurable.

“What did I do?” “Why have I got it?” “Is it going to kill me?”; I asked questions but was too shocked to hear his reply or take it all in. I went in thinking it was probably a diet problem and I got diagnosed with a lifelong incurable illness that can’t be treated, only ‘managed’ and I would need a liver biopsy within days. It was all too much as I sat there crying whilst he rang the local hospital telling them I was coming straight over for urgent blood tests.

Mum could do nothing but get emotional herself as I sat in the car and cried in silence as we drove to hospital, the place I swore I would never enter again. Bumping into old colleagues who greeted me with a smile received nothing but tears in return.

And for the rest of the day I couldn’t speak to anyone despite them asking what the doctor had said. I lay on my bed for the rest of the night trying to make sense of it all as I periodically started crying.

The condition is random; no one knows what causes it and women of my age are the most likely people to get it; I couldn’t help but think ‘why me?’. I’m a healthy person from a healthy family. We don’t have genetic conditions, weak hearts or cancer; I couldn’t understand it. I’d never wish sickness on others but I found myself asking why someone like my father couldn’t be ill instead of me.

People try and help you find the positives in situations like these; ‘at least it won’t kill you’, ‘it could be worse’ and ‘at least it’s manageable’. No, it wasn’t cancer and no, it won’t kill me and of course I’m eternally grateful for that, truly, but my life had changed in one afternoon and I needed some time.

When people said ‘at least it’s manageable’, it didn’t feel like they were helping me find the positive, it felt like they were being dismissive. That my entire life had changed in an instant but it wasn’t life-threatening so I had nothing to complain about. But I was (and am) so angry at the unfairness of it all. It felt like the Universe hated me. That karma was trying to punish me for something I was unaware of.

In the week after my unofficial diagnosis, I had a liver biopsy which was filled with an immense amount of anxiety, not least because I had to spend 9 hours in the hospital that caused my breakdown; the entire reason I had wanted to start a new life in Australia. I was tearful and shaking throughout the day despite the biopsy going well but, even with lovely colleagues visiting unexpectedly, it was an incredibly emotional day for me. People told me I’d just have to ‘get over it [my anxieties]’ and whilst I have moved on from my breakdown in huge leaps, nothing can truly prepare you for a day bed-bound in the place that can still haunt your dreams at night.

One week later and I was back at the hospital visiting my consultant. I went alone believing that I already knew my diagnosis so nothing would shock me; and then he explained my results. Liver damage is scaled 0-6 with six being cirrhosis; permanent damage which may result in the need for a liver transplant. Despite knowing I had ‘only’ been through 2 bouts of liver inflammation, I was floored when the consultant told me that I already rated a 4 meaning my liver is moderately scarred. It won’t heal from that. The medication won’t reverse it; only prevent it getting worse. I surprised myself and was matter of fact about it. He told me the plan for medication and though I wasn’t expecting to take as much as he said, I took it all on board and left. It didn’t hit me until later when I started to think about the cycle of it all. Though I had initially felt the huge hit of symptoms in November, my body had obviously been sick for months before that and it was a question I couldn’t help but get stuck with; why did the Universe make me travel to the other side of the world just so I could get sick and bring me back again?The unjust and cruel randomness of it all truly hurt.

The next day I sat waiting for my prescription and a wave of sadness hit me; this was my life from now on. And when she handed me 14 boxes of tablets, tears began to form and as I walked home and I struggled to hold them back. But when I closed my front door and sat on my bed in a silent house, I began to sob uncontrollably. Mascara stung my eyes as my salty tears washed it away and I choked as I struggled to catch my breath through my wails. If it sounds dramatic, it’s because it was. I was overcome with it all. Overcome with the stress and heartache of pushing myself in Australia to live the life I wanted for the last 5 months only for the bottom to fall out. Overcome with the sudden seriousness of everything. Overcome with the realisation that I have never looked healthier yet never been sicker.

I am 27 years old. I’m not supposed to be sick. I’m not supposed to need 10 pills a day (8 steroid and 2 vitamin) to survive but this is my life right now.

Any infection (such as a simple cold) or mass of toxins are going to cause me problems for the foreseeable future and though I have no diet restrictions (aside from no alcohol), I have to admit that I can’t look at food the same way right now, worried that any problems with undercooking could hurt me greatly whilst my liver is still recovering. I should, after 5-6 months, be able to come off the steroids and move on to longterm medication and I look forward to that greatly. One of the biggest shocks in all this has been to try and change my mindset from someone who doesn’t even take pills for a headache (though makes an awful patient), to someone who’s breakfast consists of enough steroids to get me automatic entry into a Mr Universe contest.

I will, of course, reach acceptance at some point. It won’t stop me travelling and doing the things I love (as long as I respond to the initial hit of steroids) and I’m extremely pleased about that but for the moment, I am trying to get my head around my life changing overnight. My body has signed me up for a lifelong contract I wasn’t expecting and it will take time to come to terms with it. It has nothing to do with being a negative person and not seeing the positives surrounding my condition and everything to do with the fact that one day I was blissfully ignorant about my health and the next, I wasn’t.

Though there are zero positives to being sick and absolutely no reason to say ‘everything happens for a reason’ (why would anyone want to be sick?), there are positives that I can take away (and accept right now):

-When I first noticed I was ill in November, work were incredible and if I needed a break to try and eat or just rest, they did and they genuinely cared how I was and I’m incredibly grateful for that.

-When I became even more sick in February, my friend from the UK happened to be staying with me and her kindness and understanding (including bullying me to go to the doctor) was exactly what I needed.

-I’m also thankful that coming home was timed so well with mum’s time off from work; spending time with her was exactly what I needed as I was diagnosed.

-And lastly, the biggest positive I can accept today? That I made the decision to come home for ‘surgery’. If I had stayed in Sydney, not only would I have had surgery which was a waste of everyone’s time (and could have lead to further complications or even death because ANY surgery, big or small, is always a risk) but I would have continued to get more sick and could have done untold damage to my liver so for that, I am very grateful that I made that heartbreaking decision to leave.

As for everything else? I’m sick and there’s nothing I can do or say to change it. I’m hurting and angry right now but that’s ok. They’re emotions to be felt and go through just like any other and I will reach acceptance in my own time. I won’t apologise for needing some time to get used to something so scary and new but I will be ok in the end.

]]>http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/day-get-told-incurable-illness/feed/19http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/day-get-told-incurable-illness/Sydney observations from a first-timer…http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ReclaimingMyFuture/~3/Pf-Cj7yQl2c/
http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/sydney-observations-first-timer/#commentsThu, 13 Mar 2014 17:42:42 +0000http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/?p=5064After spending the last five months in the sunny part of the world, I’ve noticed a few things here and there that I thought were funny, weird or just interesting and so wanted to share my Sydney observations for your amusement…

People

– If you think Australia is just white people and aboriginals you’d be wrong. Sydney has a huge Asian population in particular so China Town (in the Haymarket suburb) is a pretty big deal and well worth a look around; not to mention the neighbouring Thai town!

– People walk around with no shoes on and I’m not just talking about at the beach but in the middle of the city business district…with no surfboard under their arms!

– People seem to follow the rules in random places; on a train platform, you’ll find that people won’t even stand over the blue line, never mind the yellow line even if the platform is busy. In London, for example, every inch of the platform is taken up with people!

– The other rule followed is waiting for the ‘green man’ to flash before you cross the road but that’s because, surprisingly, jay-walking is quite a common offence to get fined for! And whilst we’re talking about the ‘green man'; as soon as you start crossing the road, he changes to red so don’t think you can take your time crossing the road!

– If you live in the city or Eastern Suburbs, you’re unlikely to see any overweight people or, less than well-off people because these areas tend to have rich and body beautiful people in them. If you go West or in the ‘outback’ it’s a different story weirdly; there’s a reason why Australia was the world’s fattest country in the world in 2008!

– Sydney is the ‘body beautiful’ city meaning that everyone walks around in fitness clothing, whether they’ve just come from (or going to) a work out or not; this is particularly accurate for the ‘yummy mummy’ groups who power walk with other mums and their prams. I was once in Manly and saw mother roller-blading her daughter in a pram!

– Speaking of fitness, if you want to get fitter and healthier then this is the city for you. With everything from yoga to martial arts and gyms purely to build athletes, you are confronted with being a ‘better you’ on a daily basis. Though there appears to be 3 leaders when it comes to fitness; surfing, running and yoga so take your pick and you’ll make friends quickly.

General

– One of the things I love about Sydney is that there is no uniform to the architecture of buildings. You can have a house that looks like it wouldn’t be out of place in old Tuscany next to an ultra-modern town house with glass roof. And apart from the very small business district with tall buildings (and Westfield malls), most other commercial and residential buildings aren’t that tall.

– Road rage is ridiculous despite Australians supposedly being very relaxed – they love the sound of their horns.

– There is always something happening. Whether it’s a concert at the Opera House, a famous singer putting on a concert, a poetry festival or a sporting event; there is always something happening in the city or the surrounding suburbs; you never have to be bored for long.

– Everyone goes the beach. Whether it’s to sunbathe, surf from or just hang out with your friends, if you’re not a beach person, you’re not a Sydney person.

– Just because it’s Australia, it doesn’t meant that the sun will always shine. Just before I left we had almost 2.5 weeks straight of cloud and poorer weather conditions.

– Melbourne may have a cafe culture but Sydney has a dining out culture. In some suburbs such as Bondi you can go out to eat on a Monday night and still find every restaurant and bar busy.

– The city is actually pretty flat on the grand scheme of things.

– Parakeets, cockatoos, lizards, Ibis birds and cockroaches are your new garden wildlife. Oh and bats are the size of crows!

– Everyone has a barbie (BBQ) for either a standard dinner or just an excuse to get everyone around to yours at the weekend.

– The Opera House, given that it’s only 40 years old, is pretty damn ugly up close – despite it only being 40 years old, it already looks very dated. It’s also not one building but 3 small ones!

– You’ll see a lot of people in blue shorts and trousers and either a neon yellow or orange top – they’re city/construction workers and it’s great that no matter what company they work for, they still have some kind of uniform!

– Speaking of these kind of ‘neon workers’, a LOT of them are women!

Food

– Most restaurants and cafes etc have a large selection of vegetarian foods even if they don’t promote themselves as a veggie place because it’s seen as healthy food.

– Beetroot in burgers – it’s an obsession! So much so that there is an entire McDonald’s advertising campaign dedicated to their love of it!

– Sydney is a ‘fresh’ city meaning that everything from fruit to meat tends to be bought fresh rather than packaged from the supermarket. It’s all about the ‘healthy meals’ here.

So there you have it folks; my very small run down on just some of the obvious little quirks I’ve noticed in the city.

Have you been to Sydney? What observations did you make??

]]>http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/sydney-observations-first-timer/feed/6http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/sydney-observations-first-timer/The very abrupt ending to my Australian adventurehttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ReclaimingMyFuture/~3/oU7_remqm1Q/
http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/abrupt-ending-australian-adventure/#commentsSat, 22 Feb 2014 07:20:47 +0000http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/?p=5038And so, dear readers, I write to you with the news that my Australian adventure is coming to an end through need rather than choice.

A lot has happened since you last stopped by. Despite saying I was ready to leave the city and country by the end of February after my work contract ended, something dramatically simple happened; I changed my mind. Why? Because I fell in love.

Not with a man but a place. Bondi to be specific. I can hear you all now…“Bondi? But it’s one of the most rubbish beaches in all of Australia!” “It’s run-down, full of tourists and it’s super busy.” Yes, yes, yes and yes to all of those statements but the beauty of being me? I have my own mind and sometimes, just occasionally in life, it’s ok not to agree with the majority and stand alone in your madness. I can’t even tell you why I’ve fallen in love with Bondi but I can tell you when.

It was a Sunday; a normal weekend day by any standards. The sun was shining, I had the day off work and I wanted to go to the beach so I grabbed my usual bus, parted with my money and visited the ever faithful beach which always waits for its people. And after a couple of hours of laying alone, reading my book, listening to music and just being peaceful, something hit me like a steel freight train; my love for Bondi. I don’t know where it came from but I suddenly, as though a lightbulb had flashed above me, understood peoples’ love for this part of the world. I’m not talking about tourists but the locals. Ask any local why they love Bondi and quite simply you’ll nearly always get the response – ‘because it’s the best place in the world’. No, it doesn’t explain why but it does explain the sense of passion that this little suburb stirs in people and I felt it begin to stir in me.

I realised that Bondi wasn’t just the beach. It was the people walking around in nothing but boardies and thongs with a surfboard under their arm and a skateboard under their feet. It was the friendships and sense of family you witnessed on North Bondi when everyone had finished their duties for the day and met each other with hugs, kisses and space on the picnic rug to watch the sun set and the surfers catch the last wave of the day. It was the bars, cafes and small restaurants on Hall Street overflowing with casually dressed and relaxed people catching up with each other after a tough day. It was the sense of community that included everyone from the famous Bondi Lifeguards to the locals who work out every day on the beach respecting each other and their oceanic doorstep. I realised that I had fallen in love with it all and I never wanted to leave. And so I took steps not to.

As my work contract was coming to an end, I signed up for three temp agencies as I knew the only way I could survive here was to get a full time job and temping in an office would allow me to do that. It was a risk but I told myself I’d give it until the beginning of March and if I had nothing by then, I would go home. Unfortunately by this point I was sick again. My eyes were yellow once more, I had no energy and I constantly had to run to the toilet thinking I would pass out or be sick. And so, I visited the doctor who took bloods which showed that my liver function tests were high again. Back to the beginning I thought. Except, it turned out that my liver was not the cause of my illness but a symptom itself.

Visiting the doctor for the results of my blood tests, I was told that the next day I would need to go back to organise another ultrasound. If that showed nothing, he wanted me to have a CT scan straight after and if that then showed nothing, he needed me to go to hospital for ‘thorough investigations’. To say I was in a state of shock would have been an understatement but I dutifully did as I was told. I turned up for my urgent ultrasound and after being handed a CT scan form immediately after, I knew they had seen nothing on the first scan. However, after 30 minutes of waiting in the office, I was so emotionally overwhelmed that I walked out, booking the scan for a day later. I was alone, scared and upset with no one to ‘hold my hand’, physically or metaphorically, and I couldn’t process the sudden urgency to it all. After re-checking my blood results and knowing I was headed for the CT I realised that they were checking me for problems with my gallbladder. Sure enough, my detective skills were correct. However, I couldn’t predict what was to happen next.

After attending for my CT scan and waiting to pay for it (all $511.60), a woman came out to say that the radiologist had checked my films and needed me to collect the results later that day before ‘heading straight to your doctors’. Her words hit me out of nowhere. Was it cancer? Was I about to be told I had a life-threatening condition? 6 hours later and I got my results. It was my gallbladder but it was in a condition they had never seen before such was its severity and urged me to have surgery by the end of the week. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I was scared. Shocked. Confused. Angry. Here were the doctors seemingly screaming in my face how serious the situation was and that I absolutely had to have surgery within the week for fear it would do irreparable damage when all I could think and feel was anger that had they followed this up back in November when I had my first (abnormal looking) ultrasound, my surgery would have been routine and there would have been such little drama, I probably would have had the surgery here whilst my friends were still in the city and I could organise my cousin to look after me. Instead, I have booked my flight home for Monday and land Tuesday with a visit to my doctors and local hospital booked in for Wednesday.

There will be no welcome home party. No time to get over jet lag. No chance to catch up with friends.And that’s a hard pill to swallow. Surgery is available here but with that comes too many ‘what ifs’. If the situation is as bad as they are suggesting, despite the surgery being incredibly common and standard, if I have complications, I could be out for weeks with no income. Similarly, my travel insurance may not cover it (because we all know how much insurance companies like to squirm out of paying) in which case I would be out of pocket to the tune of thousands despite reciprocal medical care with Australia. And lastly, who, given a choice, would ever want to enter a hospital thousands of miles from home for surgery with no one to be there for you? And so, despite my wish to stay, my health has other ideas.

With that, sadly, comes a separate issue. I am about to go home and have treatment in the place which caused my breakdown and gave me post-traumatic stress disorder for 2 years. I swore I would never walk the halls again, be it as an employee or patient and yet, I have no choice; something which is not sitting well in my mind right now. Yes, I have moved on to a degree but even after over 6 months of leaving that place and being the other side of the world, I still ‘see’ my old boss out here though he is a ghost which haunts me, such is the intensity of what I went through.

To people who can’t understand, imagine this:You are afraid of spiders. To the point where the very thought of them can bring on a panic attack. Now imagine being told that to cure your migraines, you have to sit in a box full of every kind of spider in the world for at least a day. Imagine that and you’ll come close to my fears.

But for now. I will take each step as it comes. For the moment, I can’t process that I’m leaving in 3 days, nevermind what lay waiting for me on the other side. And so I’ll attempt to deal with the demons when they come knocking.

As for leaving Australia, I’m both sad and angry. Many of you and my friends and family have told me that ‘everything happens for a reason‘ and whilst I believe that in the grand scheme of things, for the moment the situation is just too raw to see it as objectively as I need to. For the moment I need to be angry that after fighting for my survival since I arrived, I have been defeated by my own body. And I need to feel sad because despite the temp job offers pouring in, I have no choice but to say goodbye to the place I have found a great deal of love for. I feel like a failure despite my situation being out of my control and when people tell me how strong I have been to have lasted this long, I feel like a fraud knowing all the sad tears I cried when I wrote positive Facebook statuses. Those feelings won’t always last but as I said, for the moment, I need to be allowed to feel whatever it is I need to feel.

I am grieving for the adventure that never quite became; for the expectations I had that were never quite realised; for the love that I felt which was never quite reciprocated.

And yet, I hope that in time I will be able to accept just how strong I have been. I hope I will accept that at times when I have felt like a ship adrift in stormy waters, I became an anchor for others in far worse condition; that I helped them repair their broken vessels enough to return to port. I hope that I can come to realise that despite not feeling strong, I have enabled others to lean on me and they became stronger for it. Despite private tears, I helped two young girls (separately) enjoy their very short time in Australia and even had them come back to Sydney specifically to spend time with me such was their need to have support and friendship and my need to Mother. They left with smiles on their faces instead of tears in their eyes and thanked me because of it; something Australia can never take away from me despite being unable to truly appreciate it presently.

As for what’s next, only the Universe knows that. Maybe I’ll come back out here if my surgery is successful and I have no problems. Maybe I’ll stick to the original plan and stay at home for a few months before heading out to Asia to begin my dive career. Maybe I’ll simply travel for as long as my money lasts. Maybe I’ll head to Africa for a few months. Or maybe I’ll just seek whatever makes my soul feel good again.

Dear Australia, You were tougher than I needed you to be, scarier than I had expected and more heartbreaking than I could cope with but I know in time your lessons will be invaluable. Goodbye my Friend; it’s been a journey.

]]>http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/abrupt-ending-australian-adventure/feed/18http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/abrupt-ending-australian-adventure/The emotional journey to Australia Part 2: The Big Revealhttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ReclaimingMyFuture/~3/2-CjNTQx2go/
http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/emotional-journey-australia-part-2-big-reveal/#commentsThu, 09 Jan 2014 08:59:18 +0000http://www.reclaimingmyfuture.com/?p=4998I’ve written just 2 posts since I arrived in Australia 3 months ago; this will be my third and I confess that I have missed writing greatly. You may wonder what the hold up has been; after all, I’m in an entirely different continent experiencing a vast range of different situations and emotions. I have a job, a place to live and a great group of friends; all things I could be telling you about and yet I hit writer’s block so hard it rendered me wordless. However, now that I’ve made a couple of big decisions, I feel like my thoughts and emotions are feeling clear enough to make sense of them so I’m going to try and put them down in writing…

And so to the big decision I need to tell you;

I’m going home in a few weeks and I’m not coming back to Australia to live and work.

Considering my rough travel plans were indefinite it’s a huge change but life changes and I’m changing with it for now. You see, the Australian dream was just that; a dream. One which very quickly turned into reality and unfortunately for me, reality became a bit of a nightmare and one that I am happily leaving behind.

I have felt numb, lost and confused since the moment I arrived, always hoping that one day everything would simply click into place and I would begin my new, happy life; that day never arrived. I have no idea why Australia has not worked out for me but I am happy to shout it from the rooftops that it hasn’t. Why? Because life isn’t a uniform; not everything we wear will suit everyone and likewise, not every place visited will elicit the same emotions for everyone. I have struggled to be honest to my friends when everyone assumed that from the moment I arrived, I would be happy and be leading the life I so desperately craved when nothing was or felt further from the truth despite the positive Facebook statuses I portrayed.

I knew I wasn’t homesick and yes, everything was unfamiliar but simultaneously, I know myself well enough (and I’m truly blessed that I do) to know when something isn’t right. Unfortunately, I ignored what I was feeling deep down and listened to everyone else so I told myself that I was just struggling because I was so far from home for the first time but I wasn’t being honest with myself.

The plan had been to live and work here in Australia for approximately two years but I knew within a few weeks that I had no intention for staying for the second year and just after that, I began to realise that I couldn’t even bear the thought of a whole year. Panic set in. If I wasn’t going to stay here, what was I going to do? Trying to live and work here has made me reconsider if I want to attempt to do the same in New Zealand. That then threw up so many directions and paths I could take that instead of feeling empowered by the freedom of choice, I felt imprisoned by it; I had no idea which way to turn or path to take. And then I realised that I was, after feeling so dejected and beaten by Australia, in no mood to even travel in Australia never mind Asia and beyond. And so, I have made the extremely difficult but necessary decision to go home and suddenly I feel better for it. I have yet to book my flight home but simply knowing that I will be soon is enough to lighten my mood.

I have had some amazing times in the past few months and yet they haven’t FELT amazing; just okay. I climbed the Harbour Bridge as part of my induction at work and whilst many people dream of doing it their entire lives, once I was up there, I felt numb and thought ‘well this is nice but can I go now’?. I knew then that feeling so flat over something so magical was a tell tale sign that ‘things weren’t right’. Of course I’ve had good days where I’ve laughed until I have cried but sadly they have been few and far between and I miss them more and more which is why I feel I need to seek the familiarity and comfort of home to realign myself before setting off again.

There are many reasons for me leaving. First and foremost, like many people when they come to Australia, it’s all about the money. I saved £10,000 in total for my trip telling myself that I would set up my new life in Australia for £5000, no more, and leave the other 5,000 for my further travels around Asia with diving etc. Well, that £5000 has come and gone after I spent 7 weeks trying to find a job and I can do no more than try and live off my small part-time wage which only just covers my rent and a bit of food.

Money has tended to throw up two questions from friends and family when I’ve broached the subject of going home:

Why don’t you look for another job?

Why don’t you move houses or move location completely?

To answer question number 1, I’ll tell you some home truths about Australia; almost everywhere requires experience in the job field you are going for, many, MANY companies don’t like hiring people on working holiday visas and after applying for almost 80 jobs a week when searching, it’s more than a little soul-destroying, frustrating and stressful to try and begin your new life which is why I have stayed in my current part-time job because it’s at least some money coming in and my colleagues are amazing. I can’t bare to go through so much stress again looking for a full time job particularly when I know in my heart that I don’t want to stay here.

To answer question number 2, there are a few reasons for not moving. Firstly, I live in a great area – sandwiched between the city and the beaches – and I have a room to myself, only sharing the house with 2 other women. As my housemates work long hours, I hardly see them meaning I have free-run of the house, I have a backgarden to sunbathe in, I’m on a quiet street and I live 5 minutes from a shopping mall and amenities. I’m 27 years old; if I wanted to pay just $140 a week in rent and share with 7 other people, I would have stayed in a hostel. Secondly, I have far too many friends to lean on and support me to move away completely; I may not have enough money but I certainly have enough friends and they are, at times, the only thing that has kept me here as long as I have done.

People told me to move out of the city. ‘Sydney’s so expensive’. ‘You’re more likely to find a job in Brisbane’. ‘Why don’t you just travel through Australia’. Everyone suddenly had an opinion on what I should do and each thought their opinion was better than the next persons’. They were all wrong. Some spoke from past experience, some were just trying to encourage me and some didn’t have a clue but thought they were the authority on my life.

Yes, Sydney is the most expensive place in Australia and one of the most expensive places in the world right now but I have a good set of friends here and feeling as lost and depressed as I have done, the last thing I wanted to do was to leave that all that support behind at a time when I needed it the most and so I stayed and for that reason, I’m extremely glad that I did. When I have needed people the most, even if it’s a text or phone call to say hi, I have been grateful that I made the decision not to leave knowing that they are just a short train or bus ride away from me.

I also wasn’t expecting some serious health problems to come knocking on my door (another reason I am glad I stayed with my friends). After getting over a bad cold for 10 days, I thought I had food poisoning as I didn’t feel well but I realised it must be a side effect of the medication I had started the day before for my eczema when my urine suddenly turned brown. The next thing I know, I’m telling my doctor about the overnight urine colour change and all my other symptoms and he replied with ‘you have liver damage’. Not the news you expect to hear when you don’t drink, take drugs or even smoke.

Two days after my tests, I received a call from my doctor in which he spoke 7 words you never want to hear: ‘I am very worried about your test results’. A base line liver function test should be 30; the doctor said he expected mine to be two or three times higher than that; neither of us quite expected to see my results sitting at well over 1400 after taking just 2 pills! Before I even knew what was happening, I had more blood and urine tests and was informed that I was doing ‘nothing but going straight for an ultrasound scan'; if he didn’t like the results I would be in hospital by the end of the day. Thankfully my ultrasound came back as clear but 2 days later, I woke up to discover that my skin, and more frighteningly, my eyes were bright yellow; I was now suffering jaundice.

The worst part of my illness was that I could do nothing but ride it out; alone. I wasn’t allowed to take any medication for my eczema, no anti-nausea pills, no paracetamol for my headaches, nothing to stop the itching and weird chemical smell my skin now had, nothing to give me the energy I so desperately needed as I continued to have to work; the one time I wanted to take something to help and I wasn’t allowed anything. I couldn’t drink alcohol or eat fatty foods (and still can’t) and the seriousness of my situation began to dawn on me. When you hear that an organ is failing to work properly, suddenly an illness takes on an entirely different level of worry and one that I wasn’t expecting (though thankfully the liver has the great ability to heal itself). I am pleased to say that I’m over the worst of it and on the mend but it simply added to my frustrations; I couldn’t even afford some of the specialised tests my doctor asked of me. Unfortunately, my liver problems lead to others; due to chronic high levels of stress since I arrived, not only did my eczema really start to hurt but my skin began to lose its pigment on my chest and back and my hair began to fall out. Getting ill was the catalyst for realising and accepting my need to go home. My Australian dream had turned into a nightmare and I no longer had the desire to fight through it for an outcome I no longer felt I wanted.

To the people who think I am wasting an amazing opportunity by leaving, have not given Australia a chance or not tried hard enough (including some friends and family), I say two extremely passionate and honest words; get f*cked.The beauty of being me is that I am not you; I am me and I’m not trying to be anyone or anything else. You’ve not lived my life or had my experiences, thoughts and feelings. You have no idea what I have been through in my life and what I continue to go through currently. The irony of any of the above statements is that they probably come from the small minority of you that would never even have the courage to attempt what I have done in the first place. If I can survive until the end of my work contract at the end of February, I will have tried a new life for 5.5 months whilst becoming very ill; when was the last time you turned your life upside down and started from scratch by yourself?

As Dr Seuss once said: Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind

Maybe Australia hasn’t worked out because I didn’t come out in the best frame of mind (despite my hopes for it) or the fact that I wasn’t expecting (like everyone else I have spoken to) the ridiculously hard fight to start a new life. Maybe I needed Lady Luck on my side or maybe I should have left Sydney the moment I realised it wasn’t working. It’s all ifs, buts and maybes. I have made my decisions based on several factors and now, after finally being honest with myself, I realise I have made the right decision to go home. I will come back to Australia at some point to travel; it just isn’t the right time for me at the moment.

And so, the plan for now? To go home, spend time with friends and family, eat my favourite foods, wear my favourite clothes and generally get my head together. I hope to find some work for a few weeks or months but in that time I will make a real plan for Asia, Indonesia and all the other wonderful places I wish to visit as well as dive and then head back out to this side of the world in a much clearer state of mind and heart in just a few months time.

Despite needing to leave home so desperately last October, I so desperately need home right now.