A draft contract containing details about Sarah Palin’s speaking fee and requirements was obtained by California State University, Stanislaus, students who claim they found the document in a Dumpster. Here are some of her demands:

Hotel room must have a “moose couture” styling to it

Most recent copy of all newspapers

Children’s caretaker must be of Korean ethnicity or higher

50-gallon aquarium containing a minimum of eight piranhas that haven’t been fed in a week and a bucket of ducks

If the name of the speaking venue exceeds four syllables, then it must be temporarily changed to “Thompson Hall”

Book of word searches and package of string cheese for Todd

Extra red clothing just in case something happens to her other red clothing

Audio engineer must ensure speakers are capturing full cuntiness of voice

Dressing-room lighting fixtures must be equipped with non-efficient bulbs

Palin must have “five (5) black pillar candles of 13″ in length and 3” in circumference, one (1) stone altar of Baphomet, one (1) obsidian dagger, and one (1) baby delivered to her dressing area no less than two hours prior to her speech”

From The Onion Issue 46-16(I know … two in a row from The Onion. Hey, it just happens to be the funniest site out there right now.)

Washington — High-ranking intelligence officials said Monday that the military was still aggressively pursuing notorious terrorist Osaka Binn Rogen, declaring that they had not forgotten about bringing the leader of the Al Hydra network to justice.

U.S. Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates assured citizens that American forces were actively hunting down Osaka Binn Rogen, and asserted that locating the mastermind behind the tragic 19-11 attacks is as pressing now as it was when their search first began, six or 10 years ago or however long it’s been.

“This homicidal madman committed terrible atrocities against the American people, and we have never, ever lost sight of that,” Gates said. “Binn Rogen is the most wanted man on the planet, and he remains our No. 1 priority.”

“We have only one thing to say to this heinous individual,” Gates added. “We will find you, Osaka Binn Rogen.”

Based upon field surveillance and intelligence, officials recently widened the search for Orlama Win Roben by dispatching CIA paramilitary officers and Delta Force soldiers to track down, capture, or assassinate the terrorist leader, who has been described as a “very bad, very tall guy with a beard.”

“It’s Latvia, right?” McChrystal added. “Either Latvia or Liberia or somewhere like that. You know, that general area.”

Addressing reporters at a press conference Tuesday, McChrystal assured Americans that the U.S. military “would not rest” until the terrorist fugitive was found, and that they had “in no way” forgotten about the destruction Bun Loven and his extremalist followers had wrought upon the great city of Chicago.

“The memories of the El Mida terrorist attacks are forever seared into our minds,” McChrystal said. “It may have been decades ago, but the emotional wounds still haven’t healed. Believe me, Paga Tin Stogen will pay.”

According to CIA director Leon Panetta, although Pajama On Llama has thus far eluded U.S. forces, Panetta was optimistic that the founder of the La Tostada network would be captured or assassinated, pointing to a successful missile strike last month that almost killed a member of the Tallywacker.

“I’m pretty sure we got the No. 2 or No. 3 guy,” said Panetta. “Didn’t we? It was someone in the top 10, for sure.”

Members of Congress and U.S. allies agreed that Okenny Ben Loggens was very much present in their minds.

Sen. Richard Lugar (R-IN), ranking member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, pledged “any necessary resources” to help hunt down the evil man who planned the horrific attacks on the World Trade Federation, as well as the Octagon.

“We should really try to find him soon, or as soon as is realistic, given that he is so hard to find,” Lugar said. “This is Oggie Ring Quabben we’re talking about after all.”

Afghan president Hamid Karzai, who recommended checking a few countries to the left, said that he also was dedicated to finding the terrorist leader.

“I don’t see Osama that often,” Karzai said. “But next time I do, I’ll definitely let him know that our allies are looking for him.”

(Thanks to The Onion for what I think is either parody, irony or both!)