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October 03, 2012

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Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Following complaints from Iranian politicians, Iran unblocked access to Gmail. Next up: Unblocking women's access to their hair in public.

New York is suing JPMorgan for "fraudulent mispresentations and omissions" made by Bear Stearns while selling mortgage-backed securities. Afterwards the state plans to go after whoever stole the Lindbergh baby.

In response to the lawsuit and "constant hostility," analyst Dick Bove said banks should move out of New York City. Dick Bove failing to realize how hard it is to get a loan these days.

The military is reportedly planning how to kill or capture those suspected of being involved in the attack on the U.S. embassy in Libya. "Not again," said Pakistan, giving a comic, exaggerated shrug.

All the women in Saudi Arabia's Ikea catalog have apparently been edited out. The government said it was concerned over what would happen if men saw a woman right next to a Blokkshinnuble.

A farmer in Oregon was found to be eaten by his pigs. When police began investigating who ate him, they received an anonymous tip.

Creator of the HBO show “Girls” Lena Dunham is asking for a $1 million advance from potential publishers for her advice book. Tip No. 1: How to get a $1 million advance from potential publishers for an advice book.

A new study says Australia’s Great Barrier Reef has lost over half of its coral cover in the past 27 years. At this rate, scientists expect people to learn what coral is responsible for within the next two decades.

A Pennsylvania judge reversed his own decision and blocked the state's voter ID law. Furthermore, he said he was wrong and that the Green Bay Packers actually did win that game.

In other judicial news, it has been ruled that the NYPD did not have probable cause to arrest more than 200 antiwar demonstrators in 2004. The judge made the decision almost immediately after finding out some of the protesters were white.

Joe Biden recently questioned how some Republicans "can justify...raising taxes on the middle class [which] has been buried the last four years." And he should know a thing about burying, as his foot is basically a mouth shovel.

In Switzerland, cows are being fitted with a device that sends a text message when the cow is in heat. Up to this point, Chris Christie's wife had to simply wait until he started rubbing her shoulders.