Newsletter

More fathers stay at home to raise children

Liam prepares to walk across the floor to his father, Jeff Tarr. Liam recently started walking. By SHELDON GARDNER, sheldon.gardner@staugustine.com

Jeff Tarr holds his son, Liam, at their home off State Road A1A. Tarr is a stay-at-home dad and an operations director at a local non-profit. By SHELDON GARDNER, sheldon.gardner@staugustine.com

Sleep has become a “touchy subject” for Jeff Tarr.

The new stay-at-home dad spends his days with his nearly 10-month-old son, Liam, and is the director for a local nonprofit organization. He has learned how tough, and rewarding, taking care of a child can be.

“Everything in your life changes,” he said.

Tarr is among a growing number of men in the country who have taken on a greater role in parenting.

“More and more fathers are full-time caregivers to their children either because their wives work or their female partners work outside the home,” said Krista Paulsen, chair and associate professor of the Department of Sociology & Anthropology at the University of North Florida.

Becoming more outdated is the family model with a reserved father whose main role is provider, Paulsen said. Men are contributing more time to child care and are becoming more enthusiastic about it.

“Their attitudes about parenting change quite a bit,” she said.

In addition to two-parent homes with a stay-at-home father, the number of single fathers is growing as well.

There are a couple of reasons why the shift is happening.

Some dads want to be around more than their dads were. Ideas about gender and women’s and men’s roles in society have changed, Paulsen said. Men now have more space to be more active in parenting.

For some families, it is more economically beneficial for the wife to be the primary worker.

Tarr, 31, had just stepped into his role as director at The Foundry when he found out his wife, Lisa, was pregnant. Lisa works in Jacksonville as a marketing director.

He and Lisa decided someone had to stay home with Liam. It made more sense for Jeff to stay home because he had more flexibility with his work. Tarr fits in his work on Tuesdays and Thursdays when a nanny takes over for five hours.

He had always enjoyed working with children, he said, but he had never been a father before and did not know how much work it would be. Through it all he has gained a new appreciation for moms. And he’s also gotten accustomed to the embarrassing moments and dealing with dirty diapers.

“Poop is stinky,” he said. “Pee’s gonna get on you.”

“I never realized how quickly I would adapt to those things,” he said later.

By being at home, Tarr has seen a lot of Liam’s firsts, such as crawling and talking. Liam’s first word was “da-da.” Liam recently started to walk.

Being a stay-at-home-dad, “It’s one of the most beautiful gifts that you can actually receive,” Tarr said, and then scooped up Liam in his arms and gave him a hug and a kiss.

Tarr has also realized the negative perceptions that some people have of stay-at-home fathers. Some people have told him that men are supposed to be the primary workers. Some people think he just hangs out all day.

They don’t know what it takes, he said. Choosing to be a stay-at-home dad forced him to put down his ego and do what is best for his family, he said.

“Being the man of the house may mean you have to stay at home,” he said.

The number of “breadwinner moms” in the U.S. is growing, according to a Pew Research Center analysis based on U.S. Census Bureau data and a survey. The study, released May 29, says that 40 percent of households with children less than 18 years old include mothers who earn either the only source of income or the primary source of income.

Of those women, 37 percent are married mothers with higher incomes than their husbands, and the other 63 percent are single mothers, according to the study.

David Weiss, 52, stopped working to focus on raising his 3-year-old adopted daughter Charlotte. His wife, Cynthia, works full time in marketing. They live near Vilano Beach.

They decided that David would stay home because he had more flexibility in his job. Plus, he had raised two sons prior to their marriage. He is looking for some work now since Charlotte is a bit older.

“Right now he’s running around the kitchen chasing her,” Cynthia Weiss said during a phone interview. David was singing in the background and Charlotte talked loudly.

Cynthia said that she is lucky. David has managed all of it well, taking care of Charlotte and doing the household chores. Some days are challenging because she feels like she is not getting enough time with her daughter.

But David sends her pictures and videos. And Charlotte gets the benefit of spending a lot of time with her father, she said.

While most children might cook with their moms in the kitchen, “Well, she’s cooking in the kitchen with her dad. I think that’s kind of cool,” Cynthia said.

When she was little, David would sing all day long to her and read to her. Now she loves to dance and sing, he said, including a little Jimmy Buffett.

“The only way she’ll go to sleep is I have to sing the whole ‘Margaritaville,’ ” he said.

David said he is used to the domestic stuff, such as cooking, cleaning and changing diapers. What has been challenging at times is not working.

“In some ways, you feel that you should be out making money,” he said.

He has not gotten any negative response from people for being a stay-at-home dad, except for one experience with a prospective play group. His wife reached out to a play group of mothers and their children. They said Cynthia was welcome to come but David was not because he is a man.

“There’s a ton of dads who stay at home with their kids. I didn’t get that,” Cynthia Weiss said.

David Weiss said he doesn’t care whether people think he should be at home. He gets the opportunity to watch Charlotte grow and change, and he gets memories that others don’t.

“It’s a joy and a pleasure and a real thrill to be able to stay home and help mold your child,” he said.