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My simple method for designing the life you want

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Thursday, July 28, 2016

When
I started my first job in consulting, I went in with soaring expectations and a
shiny new collection of Brooks Brothers suits. I'd studied hard for my case
interviews, researched the firm at length, and knew in my soul that it was the
ideal place to build my career.

I
utterly despised it within a week of my start date.

And
by 'utterly despised,' I mean sleepless nights, mid-day tears in the bathroom,
and an unshakable urge to flee. And, if I am being totally honest, a
confidence-shattering case of doubt in myself and my ability to make big
decisions such as choose a career path. I couldn't put my finger on exactly
what it was that drove such a deep emotional response in me, but I didn't want
to suffer through the time required to reflect. I wanted out, ASAP.

I
began frantically applying for jobs, ranging from Starbucks barista in Chicago
to operations analyst for a company in Japan. One day after I accepted a role
that would take me far from Washington, D.C., my friends and my relationship
with my now-husband, I met a woman at my firm's office who sensed my distress
and gave me the best career advice I've ever received:

"Colleen,"
she said, "Never run from, only run
to a position. You need to figure out
what you want, and then take logical steps to get it." She asked me to
slow down and take time to complete a simple exercise in structuring my
thoughts, and if I still wanted that job afterwards, I should be confident
moving forward.

Taking
her advice helped me to make the right decisions to design a life that I really
wanted, and I'm convinced that my life would be dramatically different today if
I hadn't completed this honest assessment of myself. In fact, I saved my
original notes and revisit them periodically to see if I need to refine
anything. It's strangely comforting how little has changed.

So,
without further ado, here's the simple method I used to design the life I
wanted:

#1 Get three sheets of plain white, eight-and-a-half
by eleven inch computer paper out of your printer.

#2 Label one page "Things that I dislike."

#3 Set a timer for 60 minutes.

#4 Without judgement, list every possible thing that
comes to mind in that hour when you think of your dislikes.

These
can be aspects about a job, a boss, a city, an apartment, relationships, you
name it. If you feel like you can go for longer than an hour, feel free to keep
writing.

My
list included things such as "Sitting in traffic," "Being
micromanaged," "Laziness," "Negative attitudes,"
"Downtime and boredom," "Making pivot tables,"
"Sitting in a cubicle all day long," "Talking on the
phone," and "Feeling like I need to fit a mold."

#5 Set that list aside, and take a second clean white
page and label it "Things that I love."

#6 Set a timer for 60 minutes.

#7 Same as with your dislike list, absolve yourself of
judgement and list every possible thing that comes to mind in that hour when
you think of things that bring you joy.

Again,
if you feel like you can go for longer than an hour, feel free to keep writing.

My
list included things such as "Having time to spend with Wes every
day," "Interacting with positive, thoughtful people,"
"Exploring new places," "Being challenged and pushed to my
limits," "Feeling like the work I do matters," "Bikram
yoga," "Helping clients to solve their problems," "Being
friends with my co-workers," and "Making lots of money." (She
said don't apply any judgement!)

#8 Set that list aside, and take a break from both
lists for a day.

#9 After taking some space, get your
"dislikes" list and a red pen.

Go
back through each item on your list, and ask yourself: "Is this
non-negotiable?" If yes, circle it in red pen. This is something you
absolutely CANNOT have in your ideal career/life/relationship. It's a
subjective assessment, but be as honest with yourself as possible and pay
attention to how you're feeling when you're making that call.

For
example, "Being micromanaged" is something that I absolutely cannot
stand and would not be able to tolerate in a job. That's circled on my list.
"Sitting in traffic" is something that's negotiable on my list,
because I don't have the same abhorrence towards it. (Thanks largely due to
books on tape and really great coffee travel mugs…)

#10 Next, get your "loves" list and a red
pen.

Go
back through each item on your list, and ask yourself the same question:
"Is this non-negotiable?" If yes, circle it in red pen. This is
something you absolutely MUST have in your ideal career/life/relationship.

For
example, "Being challenged and pushed to my limits" is circled on my
list, as is "Feeling like the work I do matters," and
"Interacting with positive, thoughtful people." These are all aspects
of a career and life that I absolutely needed.

#11 After identifying the non-negotiables on each
list, take your final sheet of paper and label it: "My Life Filter."

Draw
a line down the center of the page. On one side, write "NO" and on
the other side write "YES." Copy each of your non-negotiable items
from your "dislike" list into the "NO" column. Each of your
non-negotiable items from your "love" list goes into the
"YES" column.

This
is your life filter, the facts that you'll use to evaluate any step in your
life that you're not quite sure about. It's a structured way to understand
yourself, your needs and wants, and eliminate some of the noise that tends to
distract us into decisions that might not be quite right.

I
took my filter and applied it to the job I'd verbally accepted, and realized
that it would lead me to a position that had many aspects listed in my
"NO" column and just a few listed in my "YES" column. So, I
turned the job down - confidently. This filter helped me to not only have the
resolve to stick it out until I found the right fit (the firm and group that
I'm still working for, years later), but has helped me to make many big,
life-altering decisions.

My
career, my relationships with husband, my family and friends, the city I am
living in, and many other aspects of my life have been impacted by this simple
exercise. The "Life Filter" might not be right for everyone, and I'm
sure there are a lot of methods out there that people use to help design their
lives.

If
you've had a similar struggle, I'd love to hear what helped you through it and
the methods that have worked well for you!

P.S. The "life inspiration" cards pictured are by one of my new favorite artists, Oorn. Her work articulates some of the themes on my life filter!

Erin, thanks so much for reading and for your comment! I hope your friend finds it useful. That must be the hardest career transition there is to make, and I cannot imagine the kinds of unique challenges that come with that move. Hope she finds the perfect position!

Hi Colleen!I absolutely love this post and have been meaning to comment for awhile. It reminds me a lot of Essentialism and getting to the bottom of what is really important and making sure your decisions reflect this understanding. Your blog is full of such wisdom!

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