For the most part, this is a parody of the stereotypical "Nice Guy" on the internet. However, I don't want this skip to lean on "Haha neckbeards are stupid lol" as a main point. So if I'm doing that, how can I avoid that?

Disclaimer: I'm not going to catch all of your spelling, grammar or tone issues, just the ones that jump out at me.

basic humanoid amenities downsized

I don't think "downsized" is the best word choice here. I think "shrunk" works better.

a male American

Ok, definitely a nitpick, but this does not really describe the voice well to me, because voices can be drastically different between men, and there are some women who I know sound a lot like my guy friends, and vice versa. I think that you can describe the voice as being in a lower register, which implies the gender without using it as the actual description for the voice.

teleport itself more if it exercised

Ok, props where props are due, a ceramic bowl complaining that its out of shape it pretty funny. Put real big stupid grin on my face.

When did you discover SCP-XXXX's properties?

I don't think that they'd use the designation with the kid, mostly because he wouldn't have any clue what this means. I know they are professional, but generally speaking you should reel that in a bit for an interview with a minor.

it was like speaking to me telepathically

This feels particularly unrealistic as far as a high schooler's dialogue is concerned.

Ok, so I got the whole "nice guy" parody thing, however I'll be honest that aspect of it probably was the weakest part to me. Like, ok my two favorite parts were the part with the exercise, and the "I bet it's because I'm a bowl of flies, isn't it?" (because that's a wonderful line). Otherwise, I felt like the parody didn't take much advantage of the fact that this thing is a bowl of flies. In fact, it's only brought up once during the entire interview with the bowl.

So now into my specific suggestions - first of all lose the discovery log. Or at least the interview. I don't think it contributes much to the narrative, and ultimately the appeal of this thing lies in the fact that its a bowl of flies trying to pick up girls - which could be portrayed much better through interactions with the bowl itself.

Secondly, I suggest you deviate more from the stereotypical "nice guy" dialogue. While I understand this is a parody, I felt like if I removed the one line I mentioned earlier, there would be no reason for me to think that SCP-XXXX was a ceramic bowl of flies and not an actual person. You need to take the escalation and outburst in a much less derivative direction, and really ride home the fact that this is a bowl full of flies.

Finally, I think you need a better stinger line for this article. This sort of joke needs the build to be funny, but it also needs a punchline to ram it all home, and right now this doesn't have much of a punchline.

Also, one point I would like to make is that I think one of the reasons that "nice guys" are seen a lot on the internet is because people tend to act differently on the internet than they do IRL, so the fact that this is how the bowl acts when its face-to-face with someone feels off, since this sort of dialogue is already cringy when its just on the internet, but it feels even more weird when its supposedly in person. It isn't a huge issue, but I think it is something worth considering moving forward.