The best laid plans of mice and men don’t mean dick when you’re yakking in the can and pelting your face with Advil and Tums.

Exploding doormats to discourage solicitors

Cuervo IV-Drip for uninterrupted inebriation

New FCC regulations will now require that Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Justin BibWearer make some type of useful contribution to society before having their name published or broadcast publicly.

Butt-Buzzers: Early warning ass-whistle inserted in the sphincter to signal the release of stealth-like flatulence

Penis Colonies: Remote islands where pedophiles, child molesters and sexual offenders are dropped off by helicopter… without a parachute. Survivors utilize their unique social skills to interact with those that appreciate inappropriate erections.

Body Odor Act of 2014: Mandatory daily showers enforced by law. If you can be smelled, you can be jailed.

Crotch-Cam video feed for FaceBook

Celebrity Death Hunt on RealityTV- regular people stalk the jungle fully armed with the intent of eradicating the world of celebrities they consider worthless and undeserving of fame. Baldwins beware!

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