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Saturday, August 14, 2010

Chapters 22 to 24

Chapter 22: Randomly Generated Name and the Temple of Doom

Scene 1

The party leaves theHawkand steps out onto a beautiful, sun-drenched beach of pure white sand. Palm trees sway in the breeze, a flock of seagulls wheels overhead, and crystal-clear blue water laps against the shore.

JOLEE (shudders): I don't like this place. Smells like bad, bad karma to me... (The others look at him in astonishment.)

CANDEROUS: Are you going senile, old man? It's a gorgeous tropical paradise!

JOLEE: (Smiles knowingly): Ah, so it appears... at first glance. But I'll bet that as soon as we leave the beach we'll be fighting off ferocious animals --

A loud croaking sound is heard. A few small frog-like creatures are hopping around the beach.

MISSION: Awww, look! Gizka! (She runs over to one and starts to pet it.)

JOLEE: Ahem... as I was saying, ferocious animals. And savage cannibalistic natives as well, no doubt.

Right at that moment, a group of grass-skirtedRAKATA NATIVESemerges from the rocks at the edge of the beach. They walk up to the party members and hang garlands of flowers around their necks.

RAKATA: Aloha! Welcome to our planet. Please, may we take you to our leader?

RGN (surprised): Why, thank you. Yes, of course you may. (ToJOLEE) I guess this is part of their savage cannibalistic rituals, huh?

JOLEE (stubborn): Laugh all you like, but there's something bad about this place. I'm sure of it!

TheRAKATAlead the party members through the rocks and towards their enclave.

RGN (conversationally): So who is your leader, anyway?

RAKATA: Our leader is The One, the Great Champion of the Rakata! He has feasted on the flesh of many --

JOLEE: Of many enemies, huh? Huh?

RAKATA (confused): No... of many young rancor beasts.

JOLEE (deflated): Oh.

The party is taken into the enclave, whereTHE ONEis waiting for them. He smiles when he seesRGN.

THE ONE: Ah, Revan. I knew we would meet again.

RGN: Er... sorry? Do I know you?

THE ONE: But of course. You are Revan, the one who came before. You have bathed in the blood of many of our fiercest warriors!

RGN (disgusted): Jesus, that's an image I really did not need.

THE ONE: You came here three years ago with Malak, the one who served you. Our scouts brought you here and you showed us strange magics, such as pulling rabbits out of hats and the 'pick any card' trick. Finally you persuaded us to abandon our savage ways and build luxury hotels for tourists.

RGN: I did?

THE ONE: You did, Revan. You promised to make us rich beyond our wildest dreams. (Reproachfully) But then you disappeared, and the tourists never came! Why did you break your vow to us, Revan?

RGN: Oh, Lord... look, just take it from me that it's a very, very long story.

THE ONE: Well, no matter. No that you have returned you will fulfil your vow, yes?

RGN: Um, well, I... (SeeingTHE ONE's pleading face, he relents.) Alright, yes, I'll try to spread the word about this planet, but I have to get off it first. I don't suppose you can help me get into that temple, can you?

THE ONE: (Shakes his head sadly) No, Revan. Only our rivals, the tribe of the Elders, know the secrets of the Temple.

JOLEE (perks up): And I bet you've been kidnapping and torturing them to find out their secrets, eh?

THE ONE (shocked): Of course not! That would be inhumane.

RGN: Right, well... I'll just go and check out these Elders, shall I?

THE ONE: Very well. Say hello to them from me, won't you?

RGN: Of course. It's nice to know that you guys aren't engaged in a ferocious war or anything. (Grins at the scowlingJOLEE.)

Scene 2

The party enters the South Beach, where the enclave of the Elder tribe is to be found. It is surrounded by a dangerous-looking electric field.RGNandJOLEEare still arguing.

RGN: Jolee, I keep telling you that there is no 'beast'. It's all in your imagination.

As they approach the enclave, a RakataHOLOGRAMappears.

HOLOGRAM: You are not Rakata. What is your business here, off-worlder?

RGN: Um... does the name 'Revan' sound familiar?

HOLOGRAM: You... you are Revan! The council wishes to speak with you. (He shuts off part of the electric field.) Sorry about the electricity... our current anti-theft technology is not as sophisticated as we would wish.

The party members enter the enclave, where they are greeted by three Elder Councillors.

ELDER COUNCILLOR: We of the Elder Council did not expect to see you again, Revan. We thought you had betrayed us. Why have you returned to our village after all this time?

RGN: (Sighs) Don't tell me... I convinced you to set up a tourist industry and then vanished off the face of the planet, right?

ELDER COUNCILLOR: No, you persuaded us to invest in a theme park which Czerka Corporation was building on Kashyyyk. (His eyes light up with greed.) Do you come to return us our share of the profits?

RGNlooks somewhat panicked.

RGN: Er... yes, that's right. (Hastily) But before I do that, there's something I really, really need to do inside that temple. Tell you what, how about you help me get inside and then I'll give you the money?

ELDER COUNCILLOR: (Smiles knowingly.) Here is a better idea, Revan. How about you give us the money andthenwe help you get into the temple?

RGN (giving in): Oh, all right then... (Whispers toMISSION) Mission, how many credits do we have?

MISSION: (Whispers back) About twenty thousand. Good thing we raided all those appartments, huh?

ELDER COUNCILLOR (eventually): Very well, Revan, you have proved your good faith and we will help you. But to lower the Temple's shields we must perform our sacred ritual. (HandsRGNa list.) We will need three sticks, glitter dust, a foul smell, dribbly candles and 4cc of mouse blood.

CARTH: And just where the hell are we supposed to find all that on this island?

While the party members are fighting their way through the Temple,ADMIRAL VARKO (SAUL's replacement) entersMALAK's quarters on board the Star Forge.MALAKis standing with his back turned, while a droid does something to his face.

VARKO: Lord Malak, the Star Forge is operating at... um... 600 percent of our projections. (Under his breath) Let's see how high I can go before he starts to suspect something. (Aloud) The fleet is assembling round the Star Forge, and awaits your instructions.

MALAKturns around. His face is a hideous sight: the lower part of his jaw is entirely missing, leaving only scorched flesh and some kind of electronic voice-box which allows him to speak.

She reaches up and pulls off her 'face', revealing a mass of wires and transistors underneath.RGNgapes at her in horror. Machine-gun barrels appear out of her... um, yes, those.

RGN: Bastila! You're -- you're a fembot!

FEMBOT BASTILAsprays out a hail of bullets atRGN. He leaps aside andJOLEEquickly uses the 'Destroy Droid' power to kill 'her'. She keels over in a shower of sparks, then explodes.

RGN: A fembot. (Shakes his head) Malak doesn't have an original bone in his body, does he?

JOLEE: Hey, don't blame Malak, blame the author.

RGN: Good point. (Calls out) Would therealBastila like to come out now?

The realBASTILAemerges from the starship and walks toward them. She is wearing a French maid's outfit and high-heeled shoes.

BASTILA (trills): Revan, darling! I'm so pleased to see you. Did you have a good day?

RGN: (Throws up his hands) Look, I thought I asked for the real Bastila?

BASTILA (confused): But I am the real Bastila, my dearest.

RGN: Then what's with the outfit and the dialogue? What the hell has Malak done to you?

BASTILA: (Sighs) I resisted at first. I endured my status as the helpless 'damsel in distress' with the weary cynicism of a truly modern woman. But after being forced to watch endless episodes of Blind Date and Wife Swap, I finally saw the truth. Malak forced me to acknowledge the liberating power of tight, sexy clothing and lacy underwear. He showed me that I can never be truly happy without a man to tell me what to do!

She throws her arms round him and kisses him on the lips.RGNreels back in shock.

RGN: No, Bastila, don't do this to yourself! Ilikedit when you were playing hard to get!

BASTILA: But Revan, can't you see it's better this way? Now I need deny my passions no longer. Reclaim your rightful place as Dark Lord, and I will gladly stand by your side. (Falls to her knees) I will be utterly yours, master!

BASTILA: (Looks around) Hmm, I see your point. All right then, take me... in five minutes! (She grabs his arm and tries to drag him towards the starship, but he shakes her off.)

RGN: No, Bastila, I don't want some kind of Stepford Wife. I want the bitchy, argumentative woman I knew! (Pauses) Christ, did I just say that?

BASTILA (astonished): What? You're mad.

JOLEE (nodding vigorously): Too right!

BASTILA: You are a fool, Revan. I could have been your apprenticeandyour lover... but now I will be Malak's instead! (She turns to run away, but a horrifiedRGNseizes her arm.)

RGN: Bastila, no, for God's sake! Can you hear what you're saying?

BASTILA (smoothly): Sorry, Revan... but I need arealman. (She runs back into the starship and takes off, leaving a traumatised-lookingRGNbehind her.)

JOLEE:Ouch.

RGN: Oh, no... it's worse than I thought. Jolee, we have to save her!

JOLEE: Well, we can't do anything until we get this disruptor field shut off. Come on!

They start to walk off. However,JUHANIremains behind, staring dreamily into the distance.

JUHANI: That outfit... I wonder where I could get one?

RGN: Um, Juhani? Don't we have more important things to be thinking about right now?

JUHANI (embarrassed): Oh... yes, of course. Sorry.

RGNuses the Rakatan computer to switch off the disruptor field; then they run back down the steps into the lower part of the temple.

Chapter 23: Die, Dark Lord, Die!

Scene 1

RGN, JOLEEandJUHANIreturn to the central beach. The others are waiting for them outside theEbon Hawk.

CARTH: Hey, what happened in there? Where's Bastila?

JOLEE (solemnly): Bastila has fallen to the Dark Side. (Everyone gasps.) Also, she just dumped RGN for Malak.

MISSION (sympathetically): Bummer.

RGN: (Desperate) Look, we have to save her. We have to!

CARTH: Well, we managed to fix the ship, so I guess we can set off for the Star Forge now. (Looks around nervously) Besides, I think we should get out of here before the Elders start asking more about their investments in Wookiee World.

RGN (turning pale): Good point.

They run into the ship and take off as quickly as possible. As the Hawk leaves the planet's atmosphere, a hologram ofADMIRAL DODONNAappears on the communicator.

DODONNA: This is Admiral Forn Dodonna to the Ebon Hawk. Do you read us?

CARTH: Admiral Dodonna, this is Carth Onasi. We are receiving your transmission.

DODONNA: Oh, you're still alive, are you? Good. (She sounds perplexed.) We're trying to begin our assault on the Star Forge, but we don't seem to be getting anywhere. None of our troops will follow orders -- they just keep blathering on about the need to 'find a diplomatic solution'!

CARTH: (Groans) Malak managed to turn Bastila to the Dark Side, Admiral. She must be using her Battle Mediation against us.

VANDARappears besideDODONNA.

VANDAR: If Bastila is using her Battle Mediation to stall for time, we'll never get this started. Our only hope is for someone to get into that space station and distract her!

CARTH: 'Someone' meaning us, I take it?

VANDAR: Excellent idea! (Beams at him.) Your ship will be small enough to bypass the Sith blockade. Tell you what, I'll send some Jedi in to help you, though don't expect them to actually be any use.

CARTH: (Sighs) Fine, whatever...

VANDAR: Good. May the Force be with you... (Under his breath) You'll need it.

Scene 2

The command centre of the Star Forge.ADMIRAL VARKOruns up toMALAK.

VARKO: Lord Malak, a team of Jedi have penetrated our defenses. Their fighters have landed on board the Star Forge!

MALAK: Hmm... the Jedi are formidable opponents. (Thinks for a moment.) Perhaps it is time to demonstrate the power of the Star Forge's droid army. Release the Daleks!

VARKO: The... the Daleks? But Lord Malak, how can --

MALAK: (Glares at him) Enough arguing, General. Do as I say!

VARKO (hurriedly): Of course, Lord Malak... (He runs out of the room.)

Meanwhile, the party members have landed on the Star Forge and are making their way through the corridors.RGNtakes out his communicator and stares longingly at it.

MALAK: Strange. I did not think there were any among the order who could survive an attack by the Star Forge's Daleks...

VARKO: It... it was Revan, my Lord. Your old master is here on the Star Forge! (Hesitates) Er... did you not sense this through the Force?

MALAK: Hmm... it would appear that my ability to do that appears or disappears as the plot demands. (Considers) Very well, send out all available troops!

VARKO: D-do you think they can stop Revan, Lord Malak?

MALAK: Of course not, but the developers have run out of ideas so we need something to drag out the gameplay time a little. Get to it!

VARKO: Very well, my Lord. (He hurries off.)

Back in the lower levels of the Star Forge,RGNand the others are making their way deeper into the station. As they enter a large chamber, they see a group ofJEDIfighting some Sith apprentices below them.

JEDI: Ow! Ack! Aarrrgh! (Seconds later, they are all dead.)

RGN: Sheesh, I see what Vandar meant about them being useless. (Rolls up his sleeves.) Come on, this shouldn't be too difficult...

They easily dispatch the remaining Sith. However, as they start to walk off down the corridor, the doors of the room open and more troops run at them. By the time they have fought off the fresh troops, the Jedi's force powers are almost exhausted.

JOLEE: (panting): This is getting harder.

Slowly they walk through to the second deck. Barely are they through the door before a horde of Sith troops bear down on them from all directions. These are followed by a second wave of troops, then a third...

RGN (gasps): What's happening? I thought we were supposed to be playing on Easy level!

JUHANI: There are too many of them. We will never make it through at this rate!

CANDEROUS (solemnly): Well, it looks like we have no choice. (They turn to him in anticipation.) Come on, let's sic Sasha on 'em!

The others turn pale.

JOLEE: Sasha?! Not even the Sith deserve that!

RGN (appalled): What are you talking about? We can't send a five-year-old to fight Malak's best troops!

MISSION: RGN, don't you remember what happened on theLeviathan?

RGN: (Hesitates) Yes, but...

CARTH: Look, I hate to say this, but Canderous is right. We don't have any other choice if we want to stop Malak.

RGN (reluctantly): Oh, all right...

MISSIONruns back to theHawkand returns withSASHA.There is a look of malevolent glee on the little girl's face.

RGN: Come on, Sasha. It's all up to you now!

SASHA: Die Sith die! (She runs off into the next corridor. The others look at each other with raised eyebrows, then follow her...)

Scene 4

Meanwhile, in the command centre,BASTILA-- now dressed in a slave-girl outfit à la Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi -- is practising her Battle Mediation on two glum-looking Republic and Sith officials.

BASTILA: Well, gentlemen, I think you'll agree that what I have proposed is an acceptable compromise?

Before they can answer,MALAKenters the room.BASTILAturns to him, a simpering smile on her face.

BASTILA: Hello, Mallie darling! (She runs up to him and whispers in his ear.) Shall I bring the whips and handcuffs to the bedroom, Master?

MALAK: (Sighs) All in good time, my dear. But first there is a matter I need you to deal with. My old Master, Revan, is here on the Star Forge.

BASTILA (irritated): Is that stupid man still following me? Of course I'll kill him for you, Malaky-poo!

MALAK: Excellent! And even if you fail, it doesn't really matter. After all, there's plenty of other women who'll be throwing themselves at my feet when I'm the ruler of the entire Galaxy!

BASTILA: (Giggles) Oh, Mallie, you're such a tease.

MALAKand the officials leave the room. Shortly afterwards the door slides open andRGNenters, followed by the other party members.

BASTILA: Revan! I might have known you would keep pestering me. Why can't you accept that I love Malak now, not you?

RGN: Bastila, I can't let this happen. I can't stand by and watch him turn you into a submissive little housewife!

BASTILA: And what if Iwantto be a submissive little housewife? Malak has promised me that we'll get married when the war's over. Then we'll have lots and lots of babies, and I can look after them and keep house for him while he rules the galaxy!

RGN: (Shakes his head sadly) You are dooming yourself to an endless cycle of school runs and housework, Bastila. Besides, it'll never last -- he'll end up dumping you for some floozy half your age.

BASTILA (furious): How dare you! (She ignites her new lightsaber, which has an electric-pink blade and a handle covered with sequins.) I'll show you what happens to people who say nasty things about my darling Malak!

RGNdraws his own saber and they begin to fight. It is no contest; he easily fends off every blow from her saber. Finally she collapses to the floor, sobbing in frustration.

BASTILA: Nooooo! Why can't I fight properly any more?

RGN: Because you're just a feeble, useless woman, remember?

BASTILA: (Sniffs) But -- but Malak said...

RGN: Malak doesn't really care about you, Bastila -- he just wants someone who'll massage his ego. I mean, just take a look at what you're wearing!

BASTILAlooks down at herself, and her face fills with confusion.

BASTILA: Hang on, why am I dressed like a harem girl out of theArabian Nights?

RGN: See what I mean?

A look of horror begins to spread overBASTILA's face. She stands up slowly.

BASTILA: RGN... tell me something. Earlier on when we met in the Temple, did I or did I not say to you, 'I will be utterly yours, master'?

RGN: I'm afraid you did. I believe you also used the phrase 'Take me, take me now!'

BASTILA: (Begins to retch) Oh, God, I think I'm going to be sick...

RGN: (Hugs her joyfully) Bastila, you're back!

Scene 5

RGNentersMALAK's inner sanctum. The Dark Lord turns to face him.

MALAK: Revan, how did you get here? I was certain the defences of the Star Forge would destroy you! (Ignites his saber) Oh well. Come on then, let's get this over with...

RGN: (Shakes his head) I've done enough killing for one day, Malak. Just drop all this nonsense about taking over the galaxy and the Jedi might have mercy on you.

MALAK: Don't be a fool, Revan. Do you really think you're going to be allowed to skip the climatic final battle?

RGN (exasperated): Look, Malak, I'm trying to be noble here and give you a chance to surrender. Just for once in your life could you please, please do something that isn't an utter cliché?

MALAK: No! I'm aStar Warsvillain, dammit, and by God I'm going to act like one! (Flings out his arm.) Do you see these bodies? These are the Jedi who fell when I attacked Dantooine. Each time you think you're getting close to killing me, I will use their Force energy to reinvigorate myself!

RGNlooks around at the bodies. There are nine of them.

RGN: (Sighs) This is going to take a long time, isn't it? Good thing I've brought eight planets' worth of medpacs and adrenal stims with me...

They fight on... and on. Finally, when allMALAK's 'regenerators' are depleted,RGNruns him through with his lightsaber. He falls to his knees, gasping.

DODONNA: Everyone pull back! I don't want to lose any ships when that space station goes down.

The fleet draws away from the Star Forge.DODONNAturns toVANDAR.

DODONNA: We did it, Vandar! The Sith are routed and the Star Forge destroyed!

VANDAR (solemnly): But at what cost, Admiral?

DODONNA (confused): Well, let's see. Each of the capital ships cost about two billion credits --

VANDAR: No, I meant, where is theEbon Hawkand her crew?

A dramatic crescendo of music plays as the Star Forge slowly tips over and finally disappears in one massive explosion. There is a long, agonising wait...

DODONNA: Oh, get on with it. Do you really think anyone believes they've been killed?

TheEbon Hawkswoops out of the wreckage of the Star Forge, triumphant.

DODONNA: Carth, you made it!

CARTH: We couldn't have an unhappy ending, Admiral. That would just piss off everyone who played the game.

DODONNA: True. Anyway I'm sending an honour guard to escort you in. When we all get home we're going to party like it's 19999!

ALL: Yeah!

The ships glide off into the distance.

Chapter 24: The End.... OR IS IT???

Scene 1

The entire party, includingSASHA, stands on top of the Rakatan temple.ADMIRAL DODONNAis making a speech congratulating them for saving the galaxy, while triumphant music plays in the background. Below, a large crowd of people -- all of whom, curiously, appear to be clones of the same three or four individuals -- cheers them on.

DODONNA: You have defeated Malak, destroyed the Star Forge and broken the spirit of the Sith... at least until the sequel, when the writers press the reset button and render all your achievements utterly irrelevant. For this I am proud to present you each with the Cross of Glory, the cheapest honour the Republic can bestow!

The party members are presented with small gold medals, which have a suspiciously 'tin-foil' look about them.SASHAputs hers into her mouth and takes a bite out of it.

SASHA (delighted): Chocolate!

CANDEROUS: (Looks at the medals in disgust) What, is this all we get? Where's the money, where's the lifetime supply of Tarisian ale?

RGN: Shut up, Canderous.

VANDARsteps up to the group, and the crowd goes wild.

VANDAR: On behalf of the Jedi Council, defenders of the galaxy and sworn protectors of the Republic -- except when we think it's too dangerous -- I too would like to honour you for your actions. (The crowd goes wild.) Wherever you go you will be recognized as the saviours of the galaxy, the heroes of our age!

CANDEROUS: This is supposed to make up for not getting a proper reward, is it?

VANDAR (ignoring him): But you must remain ever vigilant, for one day you may be called upon yet again to defend the glory of the Republic against the tyranny of the Evil Space Nazis. For this is the destiny of the Jedi... at least until the sequel, when the Order is all but destroyed in a blatant rip-off of the Original Trilogy.

ALL: HOORAY!

The cheers become deafening. The party members smile proudly as Republic planes roar overhead... Then the scene fades, theStar Warstheme starts up, and the credits roll.

EPILOGUE which pointedly ignores the storyline of KOTOR 2...

RGN (aka Revan) remained a Jedi all his life, and won the coveted 'Jedi of the Year' award six times. Despite this, he never quite managed to escape the legacy of his unsavoury past. A popular joke amongst Republic citizens of the time went: 'What's the difference between the Jedi Revan and a tennis ball? A tennis ball doesn't change sides as often.'

After her experiences during KOTOR, BASTILA started the pressure group 'Female Jedi Against Stereotypical Characterisation'. She eventually became a minor celebrity, spending so much time giving lectures and organising fundraising events that she had little left for such trivial matters as defending the galaxy.

Soon after the war ended, CARTH left the army and ran for the position of Senator on the newly-rebuilt Telos, making as much political capital out of his war heroics as possible. Rather to everyone's surprise, he was very successful as a politician, though his efforts to appear 'tough on youth crime' took a blow when his own son was arrested for smashing up bus shelters.

CANDEROUS discovered his latent musical talent and formed a rock band, the 'Mandalorian Raiders'. After nearly dying from an overdose of cocaine, he found religion and dedicated his life to the thankless task of persuading fellow Mandalorians to 'see the light'.

ZAALBAR returned to Kashyyyk, where he became Chieftain after the death of his father. Determined to drag the planet out of the 'Dark Ages', he did his best to implement some democratic reforms, whereupon the Wookiees promptly voted to kick him out in favour of a hardcore traditionalist. Some things never change...

Like RGN and Bastila, JUHANI remained a Jedi all her life. She also took up singing lessons, encouraged by RGN's telling her that she had a beautiful voice. No one, including her own teacher, ever had the heart to tell her what they really thought of her singing.

MISSION searched long and hard for a career where she could make use of her talents without falling foul of the law. She eventually gained fame as a stand-up comedian, her own particular gimmick being her imaginary Wookiee friend 'Zaalbie'.

JOLEE took advantage of his fame to start a new religion known as 'Bindoism', which gained the support of several prominent actors and pop stars. Shortly thereafter, 'Guru Bindo' mysteriously disappeared, along with all the money donated to him by his followers. He was never seen again; fellow Bindoists insisted that he had 'ascended to a higher plane'.

HK-47 and T3-M4 remained with RGN, who gave up trying to reprogram HK's personality when he found that his efforts only made things worse. After appearing with his master on several TV discussion programmes, HK was invited to host his own gameshow -The Weakest Meatbag- where his contemptuous attitude towards contestants and audience alike gained him millions of fans.

SASHA finally found an unwitting couple willing to adopt her, and learned to speak Basic. She became a lawyer, naturally (what other choice was there?)

Oh, and RGN and Bastila did eventually stop bickering long enough to get married. They had several children and many descendents, amongst them a certain Anakin Skywalker. So now, at long last, you know who to blame...