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Indispenceable’: Why Spencer rocks ‘The Hills’

Kessler and ... | Thursday, November 8, 2007

There is an injustice in our society today that has been perpetuated for far too long. Are we talking about the tragedy in Darfur? No. Are we talking about the war in Iraq? No. Are we talking about the Jena 6? A little, but mostly we’re talking about the biased, unfair and absolutely ridiculous criticism directed toward Spencer Pratt: The greatest character in reality television history; nay, television history; nay, history.

Many babes around campus will tell you that Spencer is a big mean jerk. But what has he done wrong? Take season two Spencer, for example. He constantly had to defend himself, like when he took a bunch of Playboy models out to Area when Heidi was supposed to be out of town and proceeded to hit on them with promises of naked picnics and other scandalous soirees. But it went no further than promises. Through it all, Spencer’s main defense was that he was trying to be a good boyfriend, which he truly has been. Look at his history. Spencer has more money than he knows what to do with and in a town like Los Angeles, he has spent years living the life of a playboy with innumerable babes literally throwing themselves at him. As the saying goes, a leopard can’t change his spots. Spencer, if he wanted to, could go out every night and bring home any girl he wanted to with that perfect bone structure. If he didn’t really want to be with Heidi, why would he even be going through the trouble of destroying every relationship she has ever had with anybody she has ever cared about? Heidi sucks, we all know this. Yet Spencer, staying true to his selfless, benevolent and altruistic character, bought her a ring, bought the two of them a house, constantly calls her a princess or angel and lavishes her with countless gifts, like that hot new Chanel bag he got her for her 21st birthday. He was also smart enough to know that when Heidi said she didn’t want to move in with him that she really meant that she did want to move in with him and he bought the house anyway. What sort of villain would go to such great lengths to ensure that no Californian has to suffer the pain of dating a girl who stinks as bad as Heidi?

People will say a lot of cruel things about Spencer, but they are all untrue. They’ll say he hasn’t driven every plot line on the Hills. But he has. They will say he doesn’t have a chiseled jaw line and striking Greco-Roman features. But he does. They might say that he isn’t always smiling and laughing. But he is (see picture). People may say he doesn’t have infinite money. But he does. They might say that he told his parents he was getting married. But he didn’t. Others would claim that his Spiderman Halloween costume didn’t whoop butt. But it did. Some people might even go so far as to insinuate that he goes tanning. And he might, but that doesn’t detract from how awesome he is. Some may say that this list went on far too long. And it did … not!

Spencer is a man’s man. When an evil-doer like the male receptionist at Brent Bolthouse Promotions attempts to critique Heidi’s style of dress, he owns the guy with a verbal assault unlike anything this world has ever seen. The receptionist even attacks Spencer physically, but our hero is too smart to let his emotions get the best of him. He coolly reminds the assailant that he is committing assault (bro) and laughs in triumphant victory as his nemesis retreats through oncoming traffic. Spencer clearly deserves his own spin-off reality TV show. With more lines than Jason and an extra phone for his homeboys, there is an endless supply of mischief that he could get into. We submit to you, our readers, a simple request. Before you jump to conclusions and unfair judgments toward Spencer, think twice. He has brought so much joy into the lives of so many people over the past year and a half. We should all take a moment to take him for being the person that he is. People may think that this is the end of this column, and it is.

Kessler and … is a non-profit pharmaceutical organization in search of a cure for male pattern baldness. Rick Loesing, Pat Canna, Dave Ferron, Ces Knee and Matt Lisowski contributed to this column. They can be contacted at kesslerand@gmail.com

The views expressed in this column are those of the authors and not necessarily those of The Observer.