Oprah Winfrey Visits Sarah Palin's Home

Sarah Palin in her master bedroom tub shaving her left leg (photo courtesy of Charlie Gibson)

Oprah Winfrey recently traveled up to Wasilla, Alaska and conducted a one-on-one interview with Governor Sarah Louise Palin. Here is that interview:

OPRAH: First of all Governor Palin, I want to thank you for not only inviting me into your beautiful home but for also allowing me to spend the night.

SARAH: No problem, ya know Oprah, living way up here, high above the lower 48, it's not often that we get to entertain guests...and especially a famous Black guest such as yourself. I've always admired you and your 'yo-yo dieting,' ya know the way that you would lose weight, and then gain weight, and then lose it back again, and then gain it all back again...that was amazing.

SARAH: No, it's Norwegian, and Oprah please do not try and make me look silly or stupid...it's bad enough that Charlie (Gibson) did that with his crack about the Bush Doctrine...Bush Doctrine my Alaskan ass! And that Katie Couric...Oprah don't even get me started, that little anorexic-looking blondie tried her best to make me look like I had just fallen off of a turpentine truck...

OPRAH: Ah, Miss Sarah, I think you mean turnip truck.

SARAH: Goodness gracious, not you too, Oprah. Why in the world are all of you media types so against me? Is it because I'm pretty? Is it because I'm sexy? Is it because I just happen to be the fantasy of millions and millions of men, and not only Republicans, but Democrats, Independents, and Episcopalians as well.

OPRAH: Okey dokey, Sarah...point made. This is such a beautiful home, how much is it worth?

SARAH: Well it's appraised at $526,800.

OPRAH: And what are your monthly payments?

SARAH: Our monthly payments are $5,268.

OPRAH: And tell me, did you decorate it yourself.

SARAH: Yes, let me show you around.

[THEY WALK INTO THE KITCHEN]

SARAH: This kitchen is really like no other kitchen that you have ever seen or been in.

OPRAH: Why is that?

SARAH: Because everything that you see, the stove, the refrigerator, the microwave oven, the sinks, and the can opener, everything was built by me.

OPRAH: No way!

SARAH: Ya way!

OPRAH: Let me get this straight. You're telling me that you actually built the refrigerator from scratch?

SARAH: Yep...from s-c-r-a-t-c-h. Let me show you. The outside is made from the backbones of caribou. The door handle is made from the jaw of a polar bear. And the inside shelves are made from the ribcage of a pregnant reindeer.

OPRAH: Girl that is simply amazing.

SARAH: I know. Do you think that Barack Obama could do that?

OPRAH: Well...ah tell me about the microwave?

SARAH: Alrighty. I built the microwave using a pair of scissors, dozens of paper clips, several old discarded flashlight batteries, shotgun shells, a staple remover, and 12 blank CD's.

OPRAH: Gosh girlfriend, you are some kinda woman. And if I was a man, I swear I would marry you before you could say...

SARAH: Wow, and Oprah if I was a man, I would marry you, but of course only if you were a girl, but not if you were a man, unless of course I was a girl.

OPRAH: Gotcha girl...I think.

SARAH: Well then...back at me girlfriend. Oprah a lot of folks don't know this but I have always loved reading poetry. Of course, not as much as I love stalking, blasting, and skinning big game, but still.

OPRAH: Hey girl, tell me about the cute little electric can opener?

SARAH: Oprah, I built that baby in about 20 minutes using pruning shears, three dried up magic markers, two paper plates, a dozen thumb tacks, an empty Lowenbrau Beer can, and a pencil eraser.

OPRAH: Amazing. Sarah, I noticed that you have a watercolor drawing of a moose in captivity hanging over your kitchen table.

SARAH: Yes, that is a photo of the very first moose that I ever shot. I was about 3-years-old and my daddy took me to the Mrs. Grover Cleveland Petting Zoo in Anchorage. And Oprah, this is kind of embarrassing, but I really and truly had no idea that you were not supposed to shoot the animals. And so when my daddy went off to buy some Moose feed to feed the moose, I took out my little hunting rifle and...well...I shot Mickey the Moose.

OPRAH: You're kidding girlfriend?

SARAH: No, it took me two shots, but I got him. Of course, my dad got arrested and my mom ended up having to pay $700 to get him out of jail plus we had to pay the zoo $37.98 for the moose, which by the way we were allowed to take home.

OPRAH: Sarah Louise, why on Earth did you take the moose home?

SARAH: Oprah, are you forgetting that I come from a long line of wilderness women? And let me tell you that it took my mama, my aunt, my grandma, and me, but together the four of us managed to lug that damn 1,500 pound moose home. Then me and grandma skinned it, marinated it, added a bunch of herbs and spices, and cooked it. And Oprah, let me tell ya, we ate moose for about three solid weeks!

OPRAH: Unfriggin' believable!!!

SARAH: Let me tell ya Oprah, if I had to, this 44-year-old gal could survive out in the wilderness by eating nothing but cricket legs, spider webs, mosquitoes, tree limbs, vulture feathers, and caribou balls. How about you?

OPRAH: I do apologize Miss Sarah, now tell me about that charcoal drawing above the backdoor entry way.

SARAH: Now that is an interesting story. Back when I was eight months pregnant with my last little one, Todd and me and his boss Ted, and his fiancee Timothea all went on a salmon fishing trip up on the Dillinger River. Well, Timothea is what we call one of them sissy girls. You know the type...she doesn't want to get sweaty, smelly, sticky, or stressed. And I don't understand it, but she is awfully afraid of fish, and worms, and aligators. So anyway, Todd and Ted and me, well we're all catching these good-sized salmon left and right. And everytime that we would reel one in, Timothea would start screaming and crying. Well after about the fifth fish, I just couldn't stand it anymore and so I reached over and slapped her, not real hard, but hard enough to where both of her earrings flew off into the river. So anyway, she suddenly stopped crying. And next thing I know she reaches in her purse, takes out a piece of paper and a charcoal pencil and she starts drawing a picture of me taking the hook out of one of the salmon. And that's the picture that she drew right there. In fact if you look real close, you can see where she signed it and she wrote, 'To Salmon Sarah, oh how I wish that I didn't mind getting all sweaty and smelly like you. I mean it. Love ya, Timothea.'

OPRAH: Wow. Sarah, you know talking about salmon there is something that I have always wondered about. Why is it that salmon have to go up river to mate...I mean can't they just do it where they're at?

SARAH: You know Oprah, it's a funny thing, up until I was about 37, I didn't know the answer either. But then one day my grandfather told me why. He said that the reason that the salmon go up river to mate is because the more up river you are, the deeper the river is, and the deeper the river is, the colder it is, and the colder it is, the more prettier and handsomer the salmon are. And ya know Oprah, gosh darnit...it sure does make perfect sense.

OPRAH: Yes, I guess it answers my question. Well Sarah thank you for showing me around your beautiful home, I'm feeling kind of tired now, so I guess I'll go on upstairs to bed.

SARAH: Well I'm feeling kind of tired too, especially with all of the campaigning and debating that I've been doing not to mention those interviews with that arrogant Couric woman...gosh I swear that I just cannot stand that little bitch. You know she actually had the nerve to say that I was mean because I go around shooting moose, caribou, and elk. Well guess what, she's not fooling me. I can tell you right now that she isn't really a blonde. I mean gosh darn, I could see her black roots when she was interviewing me. And she's got split ends big time. And I noticed that she's got some ugly-looking spider veins on her calves, and liver spots on her knees, and cellulite on her thighs, and...