Sunday, 31 May 2009

Chang Jeong-gwang, owner of a franchise in a well-known Hagwon chain, has taken special steps to calm mothers' fears that his foreign teachers will give swine flu to their children.

"Other Hagwons are asking their teachers to avoid Itaewon and Hongdae in Seoul, or to avoid consorting with other disease-ridden foreigners during their free time, or to put themselves under home quarantine, even if they haven't been in contact with anyone who's been out of country for months... however, my Hagwon recently sent a letter to all our foreign teachers asking them to take some special measures which will give us a competitive advantage, I believe, when mothers are trying to find the least disease-ridden native-English teachers to teach their children."

Asked to give some background, Mr. Chang surprised Dokdo Is Ours by claiming he was inspired by an online viral video:

"When I saw Tay Zonday move away from the mic to inhale during this brilliant performance full of deep, meaningful lyrics, I was inspired to require my teachers to refrain from exhaling while teaching their students."

Dokdo Is Ours shook his intrepid head. "Excuse me?"

"Well, when they exhale, dirty foreigners risk spreading disease to Koreans, no matter HOW much kimchi they eat. However, by asking my teachers to either stick their heads out the windows or the classroom door whenever they inhale, they will not infect any of our little precious sunbeams."

"Won't that make teaching difficult, as teachers must exhale when they talk?"

"The letter asks them to shout through closed classroom doors when they must speak to students."

"Are there any other requirements you've asked for?"

"Well, rather than just using alcohol-based disinfectants between classes, I've asked teachers to actually sanitize their hands by burning rubbing alcohol on their hands during each break between classes."It looks frightening at first, but it's not really harmful: alcohol burns very cool. Also, if teachers don't want to cooperate with the 'no exhaling' rule, I've added a new item to the dress code."

"This new, mandatory item will be required of all foreign teachers at my hagwon. These are great: they're way cheaper than biohazard suits!""No mothers will worry about sending their kids to my school."

"Are these requirements applicable to your Korean staff, too?"

"Of course not. They're Koreans: their affection for our students and their special DNA will prevent them from transmitting their diseases to other Koreans."

Chang has a few other requirements for his foreign teachers, and between the lot of them, he is confident that not a single student will be lost to swine flu, or to swine flu paranoia.

"All teachers will burn all their clothes and buy new ones, shave their heads, burn their passports, eat only Korean food."

And if they feel sick, will they be required to stay home?

"Of course not. This is Korea. You have to understand, this is a small school. We don't have extra staff to fill in. Please understand our country's working culture."

Dokdo Is Ours is happy to report that Hagwon teachers and event organizers are all pitching in to help control the diseased foreign teacher threat: in order to prevent the spread of the disease, under executive orders, the dirty orgy of immoral foreign disease sharing cesspool wallowing in mud like the neanderthals they are festivalBoryeong Mud Festival has also been cancelled. Chris in SK reports.

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

Beleaguered South Korean President Lee Myung-bak praised North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il for his successful nuclear test early this morning."My press agent told me that any news is good news, and really, it's thrilling to see Korea making headlines around the world."

After a several month dry spell with Korean news nowhere on the international radar, including Bo-A's failure to surpass Beyonce on US pop charts, President Lee had begun to worry that people had forgotten about Korea.

Fortunately, Kim Jong-il's bomb test is not only just the thing to get people talking about Korea: "It's a buzz-word again!" but this bomb's output was much, much higher than North Korea's previous nuclear test.

"Really, with such a big blast, we're predicting a new kind of 'North Korean Wave' where fear and anxiety over North Korea's next move will raise Korea's profile even further. With such brand exposure, it's a simple matter of managing the image a little to attract tourists and Foreign Direct Investment."

Asked whether he could provide more details, whether such an event fit into a strategy, President Lee deferred to his new minister of Tourism, Branding, and Self-congratulation, Chang Tae-pyong."While strategies are good for some countries that do not share Korea's illustrious history, like, for example, China, given the spectacular superiority of Korea's great nation, a few buzz-words and a bitchin' slogan will be enough for Korea to rise to recognition, and indeed, true greatness. Our ally in Korea's climb to true world leadership, Kim Jong-il, sees the importance of Korean branding, and name recognition: surely, great dividends will come to both dear sister-sparkling-states."

This is censorship, I say! Censorship! Below is the original, FULL text of the article I sent them. I have italicized the parts those Big-Brother-esque stiflers of free speech edited out, and formally express my outrage at being censored!

Dear Editor:

Finally, one of your columnists really hit the nail on the head! Itwas with the great pleasure of having my suspicions affirmed that Ihave read Jon Huer's article about the English teaching "Gold Rush"atmosphere in the Korea.

After having trouble applying my undergrad Medieval History degree toget a steady job in a Dallas, Texas, I thought I can give it a tryteaching English in South Korea. Frankly speaking, if I knew thenwhat I know now, I would have wrapped myself in wet blanket, swallowedmy pride and headed for the nearest Burger King with a "Help Wanted"sign in the window. What I saw when I got here was extreme shocking.My coworker, a cigarette-smelling native-speaking "teacher" namedBrad, took me to Hongdae, where we walked around and he saw Koreangirls' bodies, until he pulled me into a bar, saying, "The Korean sexygirls are always drunk and dirty girl in here." The disrespectfultowards Korean women I saw that night, in that crowded dance club,from the white male American and Canadian teachers still shocks mewhen I think of it.

Later, when I saw the lazy attitude Brad, and his "teacher" friendshad toward their jobs, when I saw them drink on weeknights and come toclass hung over almost every day, when I saw the helpless frustrationthe sweet and pretty Korean secretaries experienced, dealing withthese unethical boors, when I smelled the marijuana on their clothesand wondered if they also did crystal meth or heroin, I decided thatliving in such an environment might even corrupt me, a grown adult anda Christian! I left Korea after only three months. I couldn'tmanaged to find a job since I returned in this tough economy, with myweak qualification, but I'm still glad I got out of that poisonousHogwan atmosphere.

Sure, when I read Jon Huer's "Gold Rush Article," I was entertained bythe witty comparing between English teaching in Korea and the WildWest... but the most shocking thing I saw was that some Englishteachers seem to enjoy it here... I never saw anything like that, butMr. Huer's analysis had a perspective and a grasp that I share andunderstand.

Thank you for printing such perceptive content on your opinion page.I look forward to reading more.

Thursday, 7 May 2009

A young marketer has been shocked by the success of his internet startup this month, going from a simple website to franchised business with five locations, including high-brow locations like Myeongdong, Apgujeong, and Bundang. The catch is, he doesn't even know what he's selling yet.

Shin Hwang-suk started his website about six weeks ago. "I wanted to really catch the wave of what people were talking about -- you know, what's on everybody's minds these days... I conceptualized the website with that in mind, and it looked really bitchin'."

That website started out unknown, but ballooned to over 200 000 visits a day in just three weeks, when businesses started calling.

"The website name is 'Oh My Propose Storypia' and other startup entrepreneurs and venture capitalists really liked what they heard... I didn't have to do any promotion at all, actually. They just approached me," Shin explained, seeming a bit overwhelmed. "They found spaces and wanted to catch the wave before the whole thing played out."

The new stores are ready to open, but as Shin says, there is nothing to put on the shelves. "Really, that doesn't seem to bother these investors. All they cared about was finding hot enough doumi girls to dance outside the store during the grand open."

"But do you think customers will be attracted by this marketing plan?" Dokdo Is Ours asked.

"So far there have been hundreds of people per hour walking by to check out the unfinished storefront, ever since the sign with the company name, 'Oh My Propose Storypia' went up."

"Will you be spending money at this place?" Dokdo Is Ours asked several passers-by who stopped to see if the store was open yet.

"Oh sure," Jang, a young lady in her twenties answered.

"What makes this place so attractive to you?"

"There's only English on the sign. Really... it must be pretty elite stuff, you know, to only have English on the sign. They've probably been to America or something. I hope I can buy a t-shirt with their logo on it, because people will think I've been to America, too."

However, there seems to be a snag in Shin's business plan: directly across the street, with even hotter doumi girls, is another startup that has been attracting buzz both with its image-heavy and content-thin webpage, and with the catchy lingo on its colorful sign. Indeed, in today's tough economy, it is questionable whether the market will be resilient enough to bear both "Oh My Propose Storypia" and "Do You Know it's A Virus-holic Zone!" on the same street.

Does Shin think "Do You Know It's a Virus-holic Zone!" will stand a chance against the marketing juggernaut that is "Oh My Propose Story-pia!"? "They're not actually selling anything either, but damn -- their English letters are way bigger than the ones on our sign."Only the market knows for sure.

Friday, 1 May 2009

The Korea Herald Reports that the government will revise relevant laws in order to keep pedestrians walking on the globally recognized right side of the sidewalk. This will lead to an international culture of less jostling on the sidewalk.

Cho Sung-tae, deputy director of the ministry's public administration division, explained that in order to implement the law, police will be re-allocated from corruption and crime investigations, human trafficking crack-downs, traffic safety patrols late-night subway station surveillance and school zone safety, to patrol busy sidewalks ticketing people who walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk. "We will do whatever necessary to ensure the lawful perambulation of Korea's great people."

"And what about the corruption, human trafficking, road safety, and victimization of children in schools?" Dokdoisours intrepidly asked.

"Oh, those problems will still be there when we get back to them."

Some pedestrians were not happy about this new development. Kwang Young-joon, a pedestrian in crowded Gangnam, asks, "Why do they have to control every part of our lives? I wanted to blog about it, but I was afraid I'd get arrested. And can we at least have sexy traffic girls guarding the walkways, instead of pimply boys doing their tours of duty? After all, we're starting to resemble North Korea in other ways."Some suspect corruption to be behind the new law as well: it is suspected by anonymous insiders that the take-out restaurant lobby was behind this law getting passed, in order to keep the middle of the sidewalks clear for their motorbikes.

When asked about the take-out lobby, Mr. Cho had no comment. "Not now. I'm eating this free bowl of Jajangmyun."

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This blog is a satire. By reading this site, you acknowledge that you're smart enough to tell the difference between joking and honesty. If you are dumb enough to think these articles are the entirety of my actual opinions about Korea, or to think that anybody considers this blog an authoritative source on info about Korea, your permission to read this blog is revoked, due to your lack of a sense of humor. Go look at pictures of kimchi. They won't confuse you with uncertainty about what is true and what is a satirical facade. But maybe the kimchi was made in China.