I'll add a prayer, that God's love comfort you at this time; and know your child forever exists and is in heaven.

My heart as well goes out to you. Take each day as it comes and remember your child in your heart. Maybe if it helps in anyway dedicate something special to her, even if all it is - is a letter from your heart.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your little girl. I lost my baby about one year ago. She was 24 wks. Now that one year has past, I think the absolute worst was the first three months when I could hardly get out of bed. Then the bad days started growing a little further apart. Somebody once told me that grief is like a spiral. We start out in the vortex, and as we move out, we hit the grief less as the spirals grow wider and wider. This foundation has helped so much, and I also have seen a counselor/therapist for most of the year. That has helped too. My heart goes out to you. Little Callie, wherever she is, is now at peace. It's very difficult right now, but it will not always be this painful.
Lisa

It's not easy and it's been a long, hard road for me. As I type this my son should be 6 and going off to school. He should be coming home showing off his artwork and I should be blowing him kisses at the bus stop.

I cannot tell you that one morning you will wake up and all the sadness with disappear. It won't. With time the pain does lessen, but forever you'll have a special place in your heart for her. She is still your child...she did live...she did make her mark on this earth. I know what you mean about how it's hard getting out of bed - the hardest part is putting on your "happy mask" and fake being happy around others.

You had just lost your daughter, you deserve to grieve for her. You expected to raise 2 children...not one. It's not fair that we have to hear the comments that people make. I wish that there was a nationally recognized special something for parents to wear if they've lost a child. That way it can ward off all the people who think they're actually doing us a favor, in which they're not.

Again, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. My thoughts are with you and your family...

NICHOLE

MAMA TO...

Eleighsa Lynn
02.18.03
&
Hunter Blake
10.24.97
Born Sleeping - 37 Weeks Gestation
You left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without you...

The vision loss is only in one eye. I guess it's not really loss so much as it is a "blurry/fuzzy" spot. I only notice it when I look from side to side, not really straight ahead, but I'm sure it will make driving a challenge. My cardiologist said to visit the eye doctor, so I guess I'll try that.

I'm curious about your vision loss. Is it in one or both eyes or is it "double vision" and an inability to make out exactly what you are looking at unless it is at exactly the correct focal length? By that I mean is there a particular distance that you can be from an object and everything comes into focus (eg. exactly armslength). I had "cortical blindness" when I had HELLP and those were the vision problems that I experienced. It took about a couple of weeks for the double vision to wear off and maybe a month before I could feel comfortable driving or reading a book. In the hospital I couldn't read, tell the time from a clock, read a notice or watch TV. It was so scary.

I know the cortical blindness comes from the optic nerve being squeezed by the increased pressure in your brain from the high BP, there is no damage to the eye directly. However, I think that I have read that some people end up with retinal damage where the high BP damages blood vessels in that area. If your vision doesn't improve I would consult with an opthamologist. You don't want to lose any precious sight.

I, too, am sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. Tomorrow it will be 11 months since we lost our DS Erik at 29 weeks. It does get easier, but it might take awhile. I thought at first I wasn't going to make it through the next day, then, I would make it through a day without crying, and slowly, things got better. Even though I still think of him constantly, I can attend a baptism without crying and feel truly happy for people who have babies!

The comments lately have been, "you should feel lucky to have HIM, and not be sad about the baby."

OK, if someone said that to me, I'd smack them in the head. You do feel lucky to have your son, but of course you're going to feel sad about the baby. Sheesh!

Enough babbling, I really hope you'll start to feel better soon. I know it's rough, but the ladies on this board are wonderful! Feel free to e-mail if you want!

Thanks to all of you for your comforting words. Like most of you said, you all are great support. To know that you really UNDERSTAND is so helpful.

As far as my health, the BP is still out of control. I'm seeing a cardiologist who has me on three drugs. I'm also having some vision loss. Anyone else have that? He doesn't think it will be permanent, but he's not sure.

Thanks again for the kind words. I know I will be emailing you all in the near future.

I wish that I had some magic words to make your pain lessen but, I have learned that there just aren't any. In July, I delivered at 26 weeks and lost my little boy 5 days later.

Life has gotten easier but, nothing is "normal" anymore. I have begun to realize that this reality is our new "normal." People don't know what to say and they make comments that can cut straight to your heart but I have learned that I need to smile and move on, making a mental note not to talk with that person about my grief. I find great comfort in the few people that I can share my son's life with and of course, with the women on this board.

You are blessed to have your son, you already know that. It doesn't make the loss of your little girl any less significant, painful or heartbreaking. Your daughter is also your child, regardless of how early she had to be born. It is a loss that has changed your life in a way that many will never understand. Just know that there are women here that are praying for you and your family and are here to talk anytime. Use this resource when you feel up to it. I really mean that, I am convinced that talking with others who have been through this has really helped me to re-enter the "real world."

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Please email me if you feel like talking, pelote77@aol.com .

Julie
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26 weeks due to severe pe

I am so sorry for your loss and I understand the pain and emotions your are going through. Tomorrow was my due date with my son, who I lost on July 7th. Try not to let the people who just can't understand get you down too much - one woman who I have been dear friends with for years told me I needed to find a way to be at peace with this and remember the happy time - just like she is preparing herself for when her DOG dies. People really don't get it! You have every right to grieve for your little girl. It has been 19 weeks since I lost William and he is on my mind every day. Some days I am ok - some days I have to scratch and crawl to function - and some days I just want to scream. But yes it does get easier.

My husband and I went to a support group a couple of times after losing William, and we are participating in a study together for couples dealing with the loss of a child, and I go to therapy. This site has done a lot for me as well as I have met so many others who are in the same situation we are in - and they show me that there is healing and there is support.

As with Ileana there are many days the only person I want to talk to is my husband. Even he can't understand the extent of my grief - but he lets me grieve and supports me. My love for him grows everyday. I know that sometimes he worries that my greif may overtake me - but I know I must go on and be happy again. I was so sick and our little boy sacrificed so much so that I could stay here with his daddy - I have to go on and be happy again for him. Sometimes I feel guilty when I am having fun or feeling happy - then I remind my self that William would want his mommy to be happy again.

How is your health doing? Are you still having any problems physically?

Take good care of yourself and allow youself to grieve. If you ever need to talk - my email is kim@bruns-net.com. Know that we are here thinking of you and your little girl!