For survivors

For survivors

The signs of abuse

Are you worried about how you are being treated by your partner or husband, boyfriend or girlfriend, a family member or a carer?

It can be difficult to recognise the signs of abuse.

Abuse in relationships, which is also called domestic violence, is any behaviour that causes physical, sexual or emotional damage, or causes you to live in fear.

Non-physical forms of abuse can be just as damaging as physical violence.

Emotional abuse

When someone:

constantly puts you down or criticises you

threatens to stop you from seeing your children, or

threatens to commit suicide if you leave the relationship.

Social abuse

When someone:

prevents you from seeing your friends and family

makes you feel guilty about going to work or socialising

constantly checks up on your whereabouts.

Financial abuse

When your partner or another family member takes control of your financial affairs when you don’t want them to, or prevents you from having access to money.

Sexual abuse

When someone makes you do sexual things that you don’t want to do. Forcing you to have sex is a criminal offence, even if you are married.

Stalking

When a partner, ex-partner, or someone else follows you around, or repeatedly tries to contact you, even if you’ve said you don’t want this.

Physical abuse

Includes pushing, hitting, throwing objects, driving dangerously to frighten you, or threatening to physically harm you, other people, or pets.

Can this be happening to me?

‘I kept pretending to myself that it wasn’t that bad. It took a long time for me to admit I was being abused’

Abuse can be difficult to identify, because an abusive person doesn’t always act this way. Sometimes they may be loving and kind. But if you often feel afraid of upsetting the other person, and you change what you do to avoid their anger, then this is a sign that you are being abused. See our Warning Signs Quiz.

How might this be affecting me?

All forms of abuse have damaging consequences. Your confidence can become worn down by abuse.

If you have been in an abusive relationship you may feel:

afraid to tell anyone

worried that it’s your fault

depressed and alone

confused

scared of coping on your own

scared it will get worse if you leave

worried about what others will think

afraid that no-one will believe you

frustrated and sad because you’ve tried everything.

Children are also affected if they live in a home where there is abuse. Remember, you’re not to blame for the abuse. You have a right to feel safe and to live a life free from intimidation.

Common ideas about why violence occurs

‘They had a sad or difficult upbringing.’

‘They drink too much. ‘

‘They have a stressful job. ‘

‘They can’t control their anger. ‘

‘Something about you causes them to abuse you. ‘

At times, we all experience stress, trauma, anger and fear. An abusive person may use these things as excuses for their behaviour, but really they behave this way to try to control what you do.

How have you coped until now?

You may have:

‘tiptoed’ around their moods

seen less of your friends and family

changed your behaviour according to what they says they wants

tried hard to protect the kids from seeing or hearing the abuse

attempted to talk to them about their behaviour

tried to fight back against the abuse.

Give yourself credit for everything you tried. But in the end, only the abusive person can change their own behaviour and treat you with respect.

What can I do?

No-one likes, asks for or wants to live with abuse or violence, but working out what to do, or whether to stay or leave can be hard.

The first thing is to understand that the way you are being treated is not okay. Our Warning Signs Quiz can tell you if there are warning signs that you are being abused. The most important warning sign is how you feel – do you feel happy, safe, respected or cared for? If you don’t always feel like this, there’s something wrong. Trust your instincts.

Remember, abuse is not your fault. Don’t blame yourself.

Read these stories from people who have experienced abuse. You can learn from their experiences – how they coped, what they did, and their advice for others.

Talk to someone you trust.

You don’t have to go through this alone. Finding the strength to talk to someone else can be hard, but many people who have experienced abuse say that the most helpful thing was getting support from someone else. Talking about the abuse and how you feel can help you decide what to do. Talk to a friend, a family member or a counsellor. Whoever you talk to shouldn’t judge you. See our services page for more information. The counsellors at these services are experienced in helping people to deal with abuse. They won’t pressure you to leave, or to take any action unless you are ready.

Understand that abuse and family violence affects children.

If abuse or violence is happening to you, your children will most likely be aware of it, even if they don’t witness it directly. There are things you can do to help your children. For information on how to help protect children, see our information for mothers. Children and young people can read the What's Okay at Home? website.

Protect yourself.

Everyone, regardless of their age, ability, ethnicity, sexuality, religion or culture, has the right to live free from abuse, fear and threat. It’s against the law for someone to physically hurt you, threaten you, or to coerce or force you into sexual contact. You also have the right to equal treatment before the law.

Your safety is important

It’s important to think carefully about your safety and prepare yourself in case you or your children are placed in physical danger.

It’s against the law for someone to physically hurt you, threaten you, or to coerce or force you into sexual contact.

If you are in immediate danger, or if you have been physically or sexually assaulted, threatened or stalked, you can call the police on 000. If there’s sufficient evidence, they should lay criminal charges.

If you need legal protection from further violence, you can apply for an Intervention Order (in Victoria). This is a court order that can say the abuser is not allowed to hurt or threaten you, or is not allowed to come near you. If the abuser disobeys the Intervention Order, he can be charged with a criminal offence. Contact the services listed for more information on your legal rights.

The views or opinions expressed in websites linked to this site, or in articles not specifically written by the Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria do not necessarily reflect the views of the organisation.