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26.5.13

It is with a very heavy heart that I tell you what's been happening with me this past week.

Last Saturday morning I received a shocking phone call that my dad had suddenly passed away. He was extremely healthy, the kind of person who obsessed over what he put in his body and the fact is he suffered an aortic aneurysm while lifting weights at the gym. No one in my family would have suspected this could have happened, I mean he was only 53 and he was planning on doing so many things with us still.
It's hard for me to try to convey to you the man my father was, he was so many wonderful things to me and my mom, my sister, my husband and my son. My parents live only 15 minutes away so I'm still coming to the realization that my dad won't just show up on my doorstep, like he did so many times in the past, and visit with us or want to spend time with Israel. But the truth is that with him gone we have a gaping hole in our lives, one that no one else can fill.
The past week has been the hardest I've ever lived through. Seeing the pain in my family's eyes and not having my dad's comfort and love during a time when I'm in so much pain has made the simplest activities difficult at best.
My father was proud of me for many reasons but I know he was proud of my accomplishments, my goals and it's thinking of that which propels me to continue my blog along with the ambitions we had when he was still with us. Truthfully though the grief comes and goes. Sometimes I can be productive while trying to get back to my normal routine, other times I feel like I could fall apart and never recover. I miss him with all of my heart and I don't quite know how yet to live without him.

And while I promise my blog won't turn into some rambling, emotional online diary for myself I will post some thoughts time to time. Grief and loss is a part of the human experience, everyone encounters it at some point and as terrible as it is I knew someday I would have to face this. If there is anything I've learned so far it's that there is not just 1 way to grieve loss. I've experienced shock, lots of emotions, confusion, hopelessness, anger, frustration but also love and support. Knowing that there are those of you out there who might know what losing a parent feels like and then knowing that you made it, that you're thriving still is something that encourages me tremendously. To know someone else has woken up in the morning already with tears in their eyes, realizing this wasn't some horrible nightmare but that you still moved forward with your life makes me feel that I can do the same.

As difficult as this is to write I wanted to be open and honest with you, dear readers. This blog is so much a part of me, it is something I have made all by myself. I have tried to be as honest and true as I can be so when something as significant as losing one of my greatest supporters happens, I want you to know.
I appreciate your thoughts and prayers for my family, even though you don't know them. Thank you for following, thank you for reading.

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comments:

I'm so sorry. Your dad was so young. My best friend lost her husband to cancer this past year and now she's raising 3 kids on her own. Grief is exhausting physically. Be kind to yourself and rest when you need to.Jana @ 333 Days of Hand Lettering

Sending my sympathies to your family in an unspeakably sad time Jennifer. Saying anything else in a comment box seems a little empty and saying anything else probably won't help much right now. But I just wanted you to know that as a long time reader of AMM (and sorry, kind of crappy at commenting) that I'm here and I will never mind reading about your thoughts or grief. So even though I can't say anything to make it better your family's in my thoughts..

Jenn, I truly am so sorry that you are going through this grief and that you've lost someone so very important in your life. Your father was just about the same age as my sister — a sobering thought. So young. No one is ever ready for that kind of loss, but how fortunate that he was able experience being a grandfather to Israel, and to see his daughter become a mother.

I am so sorry for your loss, Jennifer. I can't quite imagine what it feels like, yet tears are rolling down my face. I'm often stopped by the thought that so many of my close friends have lost a parent. Wishing you and your family strength and hope!

I've just gone through the scare of the same thing happening to me. My father is much like yours, the healthiest, fittest person ever and was diagnosed with a rare type of lymfoma six months ago. Five years earlier it couldn't have been cured but now there is treatment and it's possible it won't come back. The treatment is almost finished now, the stem cell transplant remaining.

I don't really know where I'm going with this... Wishing you all the strength in the world!

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can only begin to imagine what you're going through, and so like many who have left messages here today, I struggle to find the right words. Words of comfort. Words that help to heal. I'm not very good at finding that kind of words. (Perhaps no one is.) But the beautiful words of Mary Anne Evans come to mind... " Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them."

I am so sorry reading this and so glad, you have written about it. losing our parents, is one of the toughest things, we have to go through growing older. and as cheesy as this might sound, remembering them in the best possible way, is the most precious gift, they have given us. my heart goes out for you and your loved ones.

I am so sorry for your loss. Your blog has been a source of inspiration and solace to me this year, through a different kind of loss, and I am so sorry about the pain you are experiencing. Thank you for sharing your life, the good and the bad, with us readers. My thoughts are with you and your family.

My deepest condolences to you. I unfortunately have lost both my parents and my son. The best thing I can say is to realize that you are just at the very beginning of grieving. Know that and be gentle and caring to yourself as you pass through many, many more dark days. You will get better, but not immediately or quickly. And that's OK. Take care of yourself.

Really sorry for your loss. Your blog is inspirational, also because it evolves and feels so real. Please feel free to share when you feel like it. Your father's pride in you lives on. Sending strength to your loved ones.

now i'm free and can move with the wind on the shore of timelessness. i'm the sparkle of a star, i am the flight of a cloud, i am a delicate droplet on a dewey morning. i'm not gone, i am with you each rising morning and with every darkening evening, i bid you good night.

all of my thoughts with you and your family through your time of loss. take lots of good care.

we are never prepared nor will we ever be for the loss of a loved one. take time to grieve and know that he is always in your heart. truly saddened to read this and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your beautiful family. love and hugs.

This had me in tears. I wish you strength and love at this time. When we lose someone close its extremely difficult to deal with but time will help heal you. I found it has helped me in my experience to try to always think of what I had not what I lost. I guess being grateful for having been given such an amazing person in your life even if taken too soon, having them was an amazing thing you will cherish the rest of your days and think yourself one of the lucky ones to have been blessed with that kind of love. Hope this helps.

So sorry for your loss. I wish you and your family all the support in the world and of course my thoughts are with you. I think it's very admirable of you to share such an intimate and truly the sadest situation on your blog, sharing your strength with all of us. Take care, love, Maria

Thank you for sharing I recently lost my father and your words are reassuring in the depth of agony that one can feel. I have taken my friends advice to surrender to the pain and also simultaneously learning to let the jagged edge of grief become a healthy part of who I am now. I also sometimes have to live by the mantra dad would not me to suffer like this. His pure and never wavering love gets me through the pain his absence has created and for that I need to let his love and guidance be the force that pushes me and not the suffering of which it can also be necessary to succumb to.

I am so sorry for your loss - I can not imagine the sorrow you are going through. Take solace that he loved, was loved and will continue to be loved - and that he left a legacy albeit one too short. Prayers and thoughts are with you throughout this sad time

The sudden, totally unexpected loss of a beloved family member is surreal. My heart aches for you and your family. Our family too experienced unexpected loss almost three years ago. It is so hard and the journey is personal but there are many blessings along the way. My prayers are with you.

thinking of you and your family during this time. you're only human so please do share your thoughts. there are thousands, if not millions, that have gone through this and would love hearing another voice.

I'm sorry for your loss. I know the feeling. My dad passed away unexpectedly when he got a cardial arrest celebrating his 60th birthday with some collegues in 2011. We spent almost tree days in the hospital hoping that it would turn out alright. The feeling was completely surreal and I felt that it was so unfair losing your father at the age of 21. It has been a rough path, and a single day doesn't go by without me thinking about my dad. But it gets easier along the way, where each day seems a bit brighter.Lots of love!

Dear I'm so sorry for your loss, thank you for be so honest and brave, you will see the sun will rise again, and you will laugh and you will get trough this with the love of your family and friends. I'm sending lot's of love and prayers to you and your family.

Oh, I´m so sorry for you, I can totally understand that this has been a very hard experience for you. It happens so suddenly, without any warning.. Life is so fragile :( I just learnt some days ago that my mom has a tumor in her brain and it needs to be operated soon. I´m still processing that.. I wish you all the best! Take care!

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I lost my mother to cancer 17 years ago; it still hurts at times but the years have helped me go from a time where I had no idea how I would go on living to remembering little things about her every day, the things that make her live in my memory. My prayers are also with your mother... I cannot imagine how painful it is to lose the love of your life. My father still misses her every day but has been able to find happiness with his significan other (they have been together for 11 years).

It is so sad for you and your family.As i am questionning about what is blogging, i find you are sharing a very strong news. It takes all its sense. We are living people.I send you my soft thoughts from france.

I am sorry for you and your family, losing a close family member unexpectedly is so intensely painful. I love what you have to say about creating this authentic space on your blog and how proud he was of you for it. You bring a peaceful beauty to the blog world.

Jennifer, just wanted to add some more love to the pile. My heart goes out to you and your family. I have been so fortunate not to experience the loss of a parent as yet, it makes me incredibly sad just to think of it. There couldn't possibly be anything anyone could say to fill the hole in your heart, but I hope that the knowledge that you are receiving love and thoughts from around the world brings you some comfort x