Saturday, March 24, 2007

Ok, we usually don't update too often during the day (damn work bullshit) but for this next story which a couple of you have sent us (and we also saw on EDSBS), we'll make an exception. It's too good to wait.

Now, we've all heard about the ultra-rabid college football fans who name their dogs, kids, cars, mother-in-laws, whatever after their beloved team. And 'Bama fans Tim and Hannah Witt did just that, naming their first son after the Crimson Tide, now-23 month old Tyde Timothy Witt.

Ok, that's not too bad. I mean, if the kid ends up hating the school, he can always go by "Ty." It could have been worse.

Such as what happened to Tyde's poor brother born on Tuesday. The (dim)Witts named this poor little boy after 'Bama's new head coach, Nick Saban. The kid's name: Saban Hardin Witt.

Uh, do these parents not realize they just named their kid after a guy whose longevity track record is so bad, ol' Nick might be gone from Tuscaloosa before little "Sab" is out of diapers? Christ, most kids teethe longer than Coach Saban stays at one place. Naming your kid after Saban when he becomes your coach is almost as bad as naming him after Dennis Erickson.

At least they should have prepared for the inevitable by making his middle name, "Buy Out Clause" or "Leaving to Pursue Other Options."

16 comments:

Anonymous
said...

An Ohio State fan here: I used to work with someone that I really felt sorry for. Her given name was Scarlett Ann Grey. I know, finding this name bordering on child abuse to be un-Buckeye like, but . . .

when i opened my paper this morning and saw that this was front page news here....i thought to myself, which is sadder; these parents or that this was front page news. love the site, knew you guys would do some good with it which is why i emailed you. kudos.

Apparently the lil' Buckeye fan you posted about, with 100+ felony charges at the tender age of 13, is "only" charged with 20-something crimes. The discrepancy is related to whether each of the 100+ checks the kid stole from a little old lady constituted a separate offense.

In other news from around Central Ohio, there's an ongoing case where an 8-year-old girl was apparently raped and murdered by her dad's buddy. I say "apparently" because the buddy had the missing girl's DNA on his fucking penis and can't account for his whereabouts at the time the little girl went missing. The only remains found to date are a fragment of the little girl's skull, found in a creek (or, if you came from where I did, a "crick") more than a year after the girl went missing. The murdering pedophile apparently confessed at least twice to his cellmates while being held on suspicion of kIdnapping and rape. His lawyas tried - unsuccessfully - to convince the jury that the girl's parents were so substandard that the disappearance of their 8-year-old child was not a big deal.

So: why do I bring this up? Because the dead girl's parents, who allowed this predator to crash at their place, have had another kid since, who they named "Michigan" because of their love for the Wolverines.

Listen: you guys don't have to remind this lifelong Ohioan that aside from Toledo, Cleveland, and parts of Columbus, Ohio is more like Kentucky and West Fuckin Virginia than it is anywhere else, but it's not all about OSU. Plenty of plasma-selling, non-child-supporting, kid-losing-track-of losers end up being UM fans. Y'all's computer science and engineering degrees notwithstanding, plenty of white trash wears Maize and Blue.

Right on, the poster formerly known as matsut (as Ron Burgundy would say "I'm sorry. I don't speak spanish"). The problem is that (and this is extremely scientific and proven without a doubt) the majority of OSU fans are knuckle dragging Neanderthals with inbred, rat-like features. An acute abscence of class and even basic social skills are the norm. Remember those "Don't be that guy" commercials? I'm referring to the one where the dude paddles up to a group of surfers and he's got a big ass diving mask and snorkel on. He arrives and just sits on his board staring at the guys. They, of course stare back in akward silence. I liken the snorkel guy to the average OSU fan in most instances. You people are borderline retarded. My apologies to retarded people.

Formerly known as Matsut - I used to think most of your posts were funny. If I never read another of your posts, I'll probably be a better person. Not many things set me off, but to make light of a fucking horrific situation for that young dead girl's plight as an analogy to horrible parents letting their son run amuck, is lower than low. One set of parents has a chance to put a young man's life back in order, another set will never ever be able to read bedtime stories to her again, watch her in school plays, go to her softball games, or watch their little girl walk down the aisle to get married.

you're completely right: it's a tragedy for the parents. But, as "matsut" pointed out, it's partially their fault (i'm not going to repeat his argument, but it's there and it holds water). So, the parallel between the 13 year-old and the girl is a valid one, even though you might not like it.

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