This weekend my wife, my parter, the mother of my children left the house. She abandoned me with the three other children in the house. She was gone for hours. Someone could have been hurt. I could have dropped the baby or scalded myself as I struggled to boil water or cut myself with a butter knife. I don’t think she realizes how dangerous it is in the house. Other women at the same session even commented on her absence from the house.

Ten years ago I became a new person. Really. I changed my identity. I became a totally new person. The woman changing my name on my driver’s licence thought I was crazy and strange and I made her do it.

She put a lot of thought into what to put into the blanks. Some of the answers are funny, some are gentle reminders/rebukes for things I could do to be a better person and husband and some are a little mysterious. All are kind and thoughtful and loving. Some, however are blank. That means that they are fair game for me to fill in on my own.

I think it is telling that the first blank one is number 22. It says “I wish you weren’t always right about _______.”

I can only imagine it is empty because everything is too big a word to fit in the space. Although some of her other answers take more space than the provided blank line allows. Perhaps she just didn’t want my ego to get too inflated… I thought that was part of the job of a spouse. Aren’t we supposed to build each other up? Just as there is only one right answer to the question “Does this dress make me look fat?” There must also be a right answer for this blank.

As parents it is our job to come up with answers to the questions our kids ask and I know I am always right when I answer questions from the girls. Admittedly my scientific evidence and source material is sometimes murky. I always give confident answers and I was once told that I should say it with confidence and if someone challenges me, ask to see their data. Sort of like challenging a parking ticket in court on the bet that the meter maid won’t show. If there is no evidence to the contrary, it must be true right? If that doesn’t work I can claim that the data collection was faulty. I once worked as a phone surveyor and so I know stuff about data collection, thereby making me right again.

I know I am always right about which shoes my wife should buy and what time the girls go to bed. I know the right way to make tea and how to tie my shoes – even though they often mysteriously untie themselves while I am walking and carrying too many things to easily fix the situation. I am right about anything to do with grade 12 math – I did it three times so I got some good practice. I know that sweet and sour is a good flavour combination and I know that beer and ice cream are not the best combination. I am usually right when I let the girls know that they have their boots on the wrong feet or that it is time to turn off Scooby Doo. I am also right when I say that the updated Scooby Doo is not as good as the original. I’m not talking about those ones with Scrappy Doo either. Those ones were also wrong.

I suppose there is the possibility that she thinks my data collection is faulty and that there is nothing to criticize in this case because in spite of my confident answers she doesn’t feel I am right about anything.

More likely though, I suspect that my wife must prefer that I am always right.

This page contains an affiliate link. If you choose to purchase this book for your know-it-all spouse through this link there will be no additional cost for you. I will receive a commission on the sale that helps to defray the costs of running this blog.