Grown Ups 2: If You See Rob Schneider Lapping Water From A Forest Stream, Hold Perfectly Still Or He Will Bound Away Into The Woods

“You can’t go home again,” as Thomas Wolfe once titled a novel. Which isn’t strictly true. Going home means returning to a place where everyone sees you exactly as you were when you lived there. So what if you’ve grown into a handsome, successful titan of industry? At home, you’ll always be “Lil Kev,” and will never live down that one time you saw a basketball hoop in a swimming pool, yelled, “I just gotta make this hoop shot!” and proceeded to get thoroughly soaked all the way through your snazzy Members Only jacket.

No one in the trailer for Grown-Ups 2 is rocking Members Only, but Rob Schneider has turned into Nick Swarsdon. Apparently, the onetime star of ¡Rob! bailed on the project when it became clear the script wasn’t going to stick to the gritty urban realism of the original Grown-Ups.

Salma Hayek informs us that the town in Grown-Ups 2 is the perfect place to raise a family—even though David Spade now lives there. I guess Spade has a superpower that makes him invisible to Salma Hayek. [Ed note: and yet somehow super-visible to Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace.]

Director Dennis Dugan (say that three times fast) and producer/star Sandler appear to have positioned Grown-Ups 2 as a Game-of-Thrones-style fantasy—if Westeros was overrun with second-rate SNL cast members, with Andy Samberg standing in for all the naked women.

Oh, and instead of dragons, there’s a deer who pees on Adam Sandler. Just like in Game of Thrones, we believe the fantasy elements because they’re grounded in a realistic world. [Ed note: What if one of the stars of Game of Thrones was a deer that peed on everyone?]

If I wandered into Adam Sandler’s bedroom and saw him sleeping next to Salma Hayek, I’m sure I’d wet myself, too. And I’d definitely try to get some of that on Adam Sandler. Maybe instead of turning into Nick Swarsdon, Rob Schneider has been magically turned into a deer, who instinctually understands that Adam Sandler only understands bathroom humor. Rob Schneider is the deer, and the deer is all of us, fulfilling the Adam Sandler fantasy each of us harbors deep inside.