This article was co-authored by Tasha Rube, LMSW. Tasha Rube is a Licensed Master Social Worker in Missouri. She received her MSW from the University of Missouri in 2014.

There are 9 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

Building independence in your child is essential to prepare them for the demands and responsibilities of adulthood. This is done slowly over time as young children move from full dependence on their parents to complete independence. In order to raise a child who will become increasingly more independent as they grow older, you should teach them life skills, give them responsibilities, allow them to make their own decisions, and encourage self-confidence.

Steps

Method1

Teaching Independent Life Skills

1

Model independence for your kids. Let your kids see you doing the type of tasks you want them to learn. Show them how you decide to pick out your clothes in the morning, feed the dog, or cook breakfast. The more your child is aware of you completing your tasks, the more inspired they may be to do things for themselves.

Start your kids early, 2-3 years old is appropriate, so they can learn independence early.

2

Make tasks age appropriate. Select tasks for your child that are developmentally appropriate. Older children will be able to do more technical things that younger children may lack the coordination to do.

For toddlers, ages 2-3, have them pick up their toys after play, put their clothes in drawers, or put placemats on the table.

For preschoolers, ages 4-5, have them help you set the table with supervision, put clean clothes in the laundry basket, separate clothes in the laundry by color, help you identify food items at the grocery store, or put some of the groceries away.

For school aged kids, ages 6-8, have them water the plants, give food and water to pets, clean counters in the kitchen or bathroom, help fold clean clothes, take out the garbage, or help with meal prep.

3

Set aside time to teach new skills. Children will become more independent as they get older and learn how to do things for themselves. For example, they will learn how to put on their own clothes, tie their shoes, brush their hair, ride a bike, drive a car, etc. These life skills help them become less dependent on their parents and more self-reliant. In order to teach new skills you need to set aside time.[1]

For example, if your child is learning how to dress themselves this means you will need to set aside more time each morning to get ready. Wake up 15 minutes earlier to account for this added time.

You can also set aside practice time for skills such as riding a bike, reading, or driving a car. For instance, set aside 30 minutes each day to learn and practice new skills.

4

Be patient. It is going to take time for your child to master new skills. Make sure you are patient and do not step in and complete the tasks yourself. Understand that your child is going to need additional time to complete relatively simple tasks. Be supportive and encouraging so that they gain confidence in their own abilities. This will help your child become more independent.[2]

Get down on eye level with your child to get their full attention. Eye contact helps remove other distractions.

Have your child watch you do the task completely first. Complete the task slowly and deliberately so your child can fully absorb what you are doing. Break down any difficult steps as much as possible.

Allow your child time to practice their new skill. Let them know that you will help, if they ask for help from you. Give praise for any accomplishment along the way.

Remember that you are your child’s guide and role model. It is important that you practice patience and good communication skills for your child to learn.

5

Avoid perfection. You also need to let go of perfection in order to encourage your child to be more independent and do things on their own. For instance, when your child is learning to brush their hair it may not look as nice as when you do it. Do not critique your child because this can make them feel like they have disappointed you. Instead, be supportive and encourage them to continue trying.

You could say “You are doing a great job brushing your hair, I am just going to help you reach the back.”

Alternatively, if you have an older child who is learning to do the dishes they may not get them perfectly clean in the beginning. Instead of nitpicking every spot they miss, you could say "Try using this sponge if you can't get all the food off." This way you are providing them with guidance rather than criticism.

Method2

Giving Your Child Responsibilities

1

Ask your child to help complete chores. In order to build independence in your child, you should give them tasks and chores that they can complete on their own. This will help them learn to be responsible and less dependent. These chores should change as your child ages.[3]

For example, have your toddler or young child get dressed on their own, brush their teeth, or put away their toys.

Ask older children to do the dishes, fold laundry, or make their bed.

Get teenagers and young adults to help make dinner, shovel the driveway, or mow the lawn.

2

Allow your child to fail. Failure is an important aspect of life. If your child has experienced small failures from a young age, they will be less likely to develop a fear of failure. A fear of failure can lead to dependence because your child will be too afraid to do things on their own in case they fail.[4]

As a result explain to your child that failure is a normal part of learning and that they can overcome failure through hard work and problem solving.

This also signals to your child that you are confident in their ability to work through things on their own which will give them the confidence they need to become independent as they grow older.

For example, if your child is learning to ride a bike they may fall off multiple times causing them to feel defeated. You want to encourage them to get back on the bike and keep trying.

3

Set clear guidelines. As you give your children more responsibility, you need to set clear guidelines. This way your child will know exactly what they need to do and what the consequences will be for not completing their responsibilities. This will help your child understand that in order to be independent they need to take responsibility for their actions.[5]

For example, say to your child “It is your responsibility to wear your helmet while riding your bike. If you don’t wear your helmet then your bike will be taken away for the rest of the week.”

Alternatively, for an older child you could say “You are responsible for cleaning up after dinner. If you don’t do this, you will not be able to use your phone until your chores are complete.”

Method3

Allowing Your Child to Make Decisions

1

Give your child options. In order to be independent, children need to be able to make decisions for themselves. You can help your child become confident with their decision making abilities, by allowing them to make small decisions while they are young. This teaches them that you value their opinion. As kids get older they will begin to make decisions on their own.

For a young child you could give two lunch options and ask which one they want. This allows you to control the situation, but still gives the child the opportunity to feel involved in the decision-making process.

For older children you can increase the importance of the decisions they make. For example, allow them to choose their extra curricular activities, or what courses they will take in high school. You can help guide them through the decisions by weighing out the pros and cons.

2

Teach about consequences. When you are teaching your child to make decisions, you need to explain to them the consequences of their decisions. This will help guide your child to make good choices as opposed to rash decisions. As long as the decision will not impact the health and safety of the child, you should let them make bad choices, so that they can get a better understanding of the consequences.[6]

For example, if a young child wants to take ten dollars to school to buy a snack, you could suggest only taking 5 dollars because they may lose some of their money.

This way you are providing them with the potential consequences of making that decision, but ultimately leaving the choice to the child.

3

Give your child alone time. Alone time is important for the development of independence in your child, primarily because it allows your child the freedom to problem solve and make decisions without your input or guidance. It also allows your child to become comfortable without having a parent around.[7]

For a young child, you can give structured alone time. For example, set up their toys in the living room and tell them to play independently while you make dinner. This will give them an opportunity to gain comfort on their own in a safe and controlled setting.

For older kids you can let them walk or ride their bike to school alone or with a friend. Make sure they understand all safety rules. This will help them feel more independent outside of the home.

For young teenagers you can try leaving them home alone. Begin by leaving them for short periods of time (10-20 minutes) and then you can increase the time as they become more comfortable.

Method4

Fostering Self-Confidence

1

Focus on their strengths. To help your child become confident and ultimately independent, you should focus on their strengths. Pay attention to the activities that they enjoy and help them find a way to incorporate these activities into their life. This can help to raise their self-esteem.[8]

For example, your child may excel at organized sports. Make sure they get an opportunity to take part in sports either through school programs or extracurriculars.

Encourage your children to partake in a leisure activity they are interested in, not necessarily the one that you wish them to be in.

2

Praise their effort. When you praise your child’s accomplishments, you should always focus on rewarding their efforts rather than just the outcome. This way you are communicating to them that hard work and effort are more important than the actual results. It also helps them work towards goals. If your child understands that hard work is rewarded, they will be more likely to become independent and take on challenging tasks.[9]

Instead of saying “I am so proud because you got an A on your math assignment,” say “I’m proud of you for practicing your math problems. You are really sticking with it.”

3

Accept your child for who they are. You can build self-confidence in your child by accepting them for who they are. Every child has their own unique personality. Embrace their difference and make them feel completely comfortable in their skin. Avoid being overly critical. This will give them the confidence they need to feel sure of themselves and will make it easier for them to become independent as they grow older.