Welcome to my bloggy home. Here, I strive to make you laugh like never before, cry warmhearted tears, get silly, and be naughty. Together, we'll uncover morsels of sweetness in the light and dark. You'll leave craving chocolate. That's a given. I'm a bad influence. Oy vey, am I a bad influence! {But I do recommend fair trade and organic varieties.} Please enjoy the samples, and may you fast become addicted. I hope you'll return again and again. Then once more.

One Rainbow Tribe in an Orange World (but only for now).

Sunday, October 31, 2010

The scariest part of this week's Centus challenge is that Jenny Matlock limited us to 50 words. Oy. I also found the prompt - bolded below - rather unusual. Nonetheless, here's an extra short one for you. Enjoy.

Happy Halloween and choc of shame (i.e., the condition of feeling ashamed for having indulged in monstrous amounts of chocolate the night before, but continuing to do so because, after all, it is chocolate).

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Sizing Him Up

Awestruck by his godliness, I plowed through the biography. He was well hated within his own party, by himself even. Though he survived accumulated tragedies that most could not even fathom, he never strayed from righteousness. A man of unfaltering integrity, Abraham Lincoln was a lot shorter than I thought he would be. He’s my number one hero because of it.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

This message pops up on my screen: “Nerd_Who’s_Hot” wants to meet you."Yeah, what’s this nerd got to offer by way of blog fodder? I thought, reluctantly clicking on his profile.

Whew! I needed air. He was indeed hot, else the photo he borrowed was a great choice. Plus, his ad included no glaring typos, no narcissistic droning, no philosophical existential “I am one with the world, so be one with me” crap. In fact, two exes wrote positively exceptional commendations, the kind spurring the inquiry: “So, why aren’t you still together if he’s all that?”

Moreover, he looked hot. I don’t mean to emphasize this point, and I’m not superficial. Not always. It’s rare that I’m so enchanted. Really.

As it goes, of course, there were just a few minor issues. He (1) lives 465 miles away and (2) surpasses my height by 1.5 feet. Since he’s hot, I respond: “Why are all the good ones tall and/or geographically undesirable?” I further explain that, not only do I live across the state, but I am 5 feet tall in 4 inch heels. I hate wearing heels, though.

Insert increased heartbeat, knuckle cracking, and yawns as I await a reply.

The delay was worth it. One week later, this message appears: “Why are all the sexy ones Jewish?”

“Cute,” I write back, wishing him luck in finding a woman worthy of his wit and hotness. Well, I didn’t add that bit about the hotness. It’s implied, and I’m not superficial. Not usually. I am one to admit, though, that size matters. Sorry, guys.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Per TS's request, I've returned with stories, tea, and chocolate chip cookies. Okay, you're right. TS didn't request the cookies. I did. I always do. I'll share, though; I made one extra for all of you. Its half-baked chocolate morsels will achieve a blissful mess. I promise. After all, you deserve the best. I'm warming Lemon Zinger in the teapot, too. Cream and sugar?

I drove all day (and when I say drove, I mean that I started the roadtrip in Los Angeles. Driving has a different meaning there, but that's a scary story for another time). Thus, I'm tired and especially grateful to Jenny Matlock. Thanks, Jenny, for this post project.

Warning: This is truly a dark one. Feel free to ignore it, but do nibble at the cookie first. My wit promises to return in the morning.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Scary As It Gets

Gather around, children. Warm yourselves by the fire. Grab a s'more, and snuggle up to your folks. This is the scariest story I've ever heard...

As the sun disappeared on the darkest of days, so too did goodness and morality. We don't know how or why, but a tenacious evil sprung forth throughout the universe. Criminals ran amok. People murdered their loved ones. Children, even, resorted to assaulting each other.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Have you noticed that a few days in blog time is like a few months in real time? On the blog time scale, then, I'll be retreating for about 5 months. I'll miss you. In real time, I'll return Monday. It will feel like I've been away for about 5 months, and I'll still miss you. If only I could actually bypass the holidays and Valentine's day..Where's Doc Brown when you need him? I'm off for some redwoods, writing, and Auntie Robyn time. Be well. xo

I created this silly award, because I'm feeling thankful. In particular, I am especially grateful to my male followers. Guys, you have sometimes, or perhaps frequently, been the object of my ridicule. Time and again, you have not expressed insult. In fact, you've joined in on the male bashing banter, adding spice to the hilarity. I thank and love you for it.

In this spirit, I offer this award to:

AlphaZa, for this statement: We thank women everywhere for accepting these lines and allowing us to procreate latex free.

Gorilla Bananas for this don't-believe-everything-you-read advice: Douching afterwards with Pepsi Cola will give you all the protection you need.

Kal for this unforgettable comment: I may be selfish but I like the ribbed condoms that I wear inside out for my own pleasure. What? Am I missing the point and the romance of the situation?

If anyone else wants to post and/or pass along this Blog Gold Award, please do. I'd love to see it out in the blogosphere - with no attached rules. (It doesn't appear that Alfred or the beer drinking polar bear would mind either.) Besides, you are all blog gold worthy! xo

Sunday, October 17, 2010

You, my dear readers, added the most amusing additions to this post on men's stupidest excuses for not wearing condoms, that I was inspired to create the collage below. Thank you! I think. No really, thank you! You are fun!

Gentlemen and other males (including Gorilla Bananas), please do not try these at home, in your office, the jungle, or anywhere at all. Just put them on, guys.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~I had a bad experience with a balloon twister when I was young.~It was very painful. I will have to blog about it. lol

~"Why don't we fill you up full of plastic instead? See how you like it!"~You don't wear your socks when you take a bath do you?! HA!!!~It's like taking a shower with a raincoat on!"~Ever tried running with your shoes wrapped in plastic? Exactly! They don't fit.

~I have been snipped. ~I was born with 2 you know whats.~It’s my birthday. ~I'm 80 years old you are 80, so what's the problem?

~High school coaches used to have a great saying which would be a good response to any excuse: "When a man plays the big game, he suits up!"

~Douching afterwards with Pepsi Cola will give you all the protection you need.

~I'd like to, but he has a no coverage policy. Trust me, he'll let us both down. Literally. ~This one has never come up.

~Someone at the Laundry Mat told me that I don't have to use one.

~My mind is blank!! ~Aliens took it.

~I could go on.. forgive me, I’m sleep deprived..

~I am, like, totally blushing. Like, my cheeks are totally the color of the side bars of this blog. Kidding. Seriously, though, good idea about the pen in the bottom of the laundry basket! You never know when you might need to take notes!

~I had one, but I ran out of gum. ~"I swear I'll pull out in time." That and "Pleeeeeeeaassee?"

~I've heard they damage ladies and I would never want that to happen to you. ~How about 'I'm allergic to Latex'? That would sorta work...

~You’re on the pill, so you won't get pregnant and I know I'm clean. ~I've been monogamous for too long! I don't have a #7.

~Well, you can't get pregnant if we do it standing up anyway. ~BTW...i think you nailed most of 'em. oops. poor choice of words.

~Yeah condoms, most of us guys hate them.. and for good reason.. they kill a lot of the feeling.. ~"If it goes on, it's not on."

~Heee.."I forgot it...we'll use one next time."

~"It'll bring us closer together."

~I won't come inside. I promise.

~I've overheard (in the fruit aisle) other women commiserating about this as well.. One said that he claimed: I'm allergic to latex... (and intelligent decisions, I deduced)...

~Oh, my goodness!! I don't know which I enjoyed more, reading your initial "excuses," or the ones submitted by your commenters!! Someone at the LAUNDRY MAT told him it was OK? Bwahahahaha!!!

~Men are sooo stupid...and the women that accept these lines? Uh yeah....someone thunk them on the forehead please!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Thanks to Jenny Matlock, we have a fun writing option each week. Jenny offers a prompt every Saturday. The challenge involves using this prompt in a piece that does not exceed 100 words. This week's prompt is bolded below. Enjoy, and may you have grateful trick-or-treaters or none at all!

TRICK-OR-TREATERS OF THE WORST KIND

“Trick or treat!” they shouted as the door opened.“Smell my feet! Give me something good to eat!”Beaming with embarrassment, they continued as rehearsed: “If you don’t, I don’t care. I’ll pull down my underwear.”

“Kids, remember to work together, just like we talked about.” Mom advised.“O-tay,” Danielle agreed, pushing the pumpkin gently towards the guests, while Jimmy grasped its handle more tightly. The impatient trick-or-treaters snagged fistfuls of chocolate, running off with utter ingratitude.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Shenais' family on the race for the cure, with heroic aunts, Nancy and Linda. Happy birthday, Shenais!

Dear Friends,

Thank you all for your comments and nominations in the CSN giveaway post. I'll get to the big announcement, but first, here are some stories of courage and love shared by fellow bloggers:

Rabbit (Micael Chadwick) said...What a glorious giveaway. I am not commenting to enter. I had a dear friend, Anita, who we lost many years ago, so the cause has always been near to my heart.Just wanted to extend kudos and thanks. Can't wait to see who wins.Keep up the love. I am certain it means more than you can ever imagine.- R. mamipdx said...we recently participated in 'race for the cure.' we walked the 5K as a family of women affected by breast cancer (my two aunts- both survivors). they are my heroes. what tremendous strength and courage they have had. i'd like to nominate my aunt, nancy bock. she is living life to its fullest! thank you, nancy, for reminding me that life is good, to appreciate every day, and that you can overcome and move forward- however difficult it may be.shenaisdivertida at fastmail dot fmMarlene said...My momma is a breast cancer survivor. My first-born was 2 years old when she was diagnosed. (She's 22 now.) I'm hoping I never meet the evil beast called Cancer. I'm going to get the tatas squished next week. Wish me luck.

gayle said...My best friends sister has breast cancer and my cousin's wife has is too....both are in their late fourtys. Both found a lump in their breast by self examination.

Jason, as himself said...I nominate my youngest brother, Paul, who was 11 when our mother died of breast cancer.

~Note that Jason's participating in the run for the cure. His blog is linked with information on how you can lend support (including ways that don't all involve giving money, like writing quick reviews of businesses. I'm sure he'd be happy to tell you about it. It's actually fun.) You might otherwise just check out Jason's blog, because it's creatively uplifting. ~

meeyeehere said...My Grandmother that raised me battled breast cancer for a few years before it spread and she lost her battle.I miss her every day.I have too had cancer when I was 18 but not breast cancer. jacksoncrisman@yahoo.com

Heather said...My paternal Grandmother fought breast cancer and won. She was really sick for a long though. I'm grateful for those working towards a cure and those willing to donate to the cause.heatheranne99 at gmail dot comLiz said...Two of my aunts on my mother's side had it (both recovered and later died of unrelated causes), but fortunately it has made me, my mother and other relatives hypervigilant about our own breast health. Thanks for the giveaway and for spreading awareness! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Now, for the drawing..I placed the names of nominees into my very special pink Hello Kitty lunchbox. It's really cute, I tell ya. I bought it for ME this past year, and I haven't used it before. But enough about my really cute, pink Hello Kitty lunchbox (though you really should get one for yourself!), I am now shaking said lunchbox, opening same, closing my eyes, and pulling a name..and the winner is..SHENAIS, who nominated her aunt NANCY BOCK!

CONGRATULATIONS, SHENAIS AND NANCY!

Thank you all for being a part of this special giveaway. Here's to successful efforts to find a cure, and to the heroes in our lives who have faced breast cancer.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

It appears I may have accomplished more in my first 7.5 years of life than I have since. Take, for example, Robyn's New Book. This went to press on January 31, 1973, when I was a mere 6 years of age. I did my own illustrations too. Not to brag too much, but I was a much better artist then than I am now. I hope you like this story. Some of the words got cut off, especially as the plot thickens (damn publishing company!), but I think you can decipher the deeper meaning. If not, let me know. I might be able to recollect my intentions. Enjoy!

Monday, October 11, 2010

I never intended to use this forum for giveaways. However, CSN Stores selected me as a preferred blogger. It’s been a long time since I was offered a title, much less a preferable one. Plus, how could I turn down the opportunity to give freebies to you, my beloved readers? I can’t. In this spirit, here’s giveaway post #2.

This time, the winning prize is a $65 gift card, not including shipping or any extras. The winner must reside in the US or Canada. (Sorry to my friends in other parts of the world. CSN has yet to branch out into your neighborhood.) It’s a huge store, though, with countless sites. Items include everything from bed sets to kids’ games, health and fitness equipment, shoes, and much more. With millions of products to choose from, stemming from their main site at http://www.csnstores.com/, think about the fun you could have with this on-line shopping spree.

Last month’s giveaway was awarded to someone touched by cancer, as a tribute to our dearly departed Lisa/Bumpkin on a Swing. Lindsay, Jackson’s mommy, won. See my sidebar for his photo and link to this family’s courageous battle.

October is breast cancer awareness month, so I'd like this gift card to lift the spirits of someone touched specifically by breast cancer.

Breast cancer is the most common non-skin cancer amongst females. Approximately 1.3 million women are diagnosed with breast cancer worldwide, and about 465,000 lose the fight each year. Breast cancer is not exclusive to women. It inflicts men at a rate of one percent as often as women. In the US, approximately 2,000 men and 200,000 women develop breast cancer annually. Generally, men have poorer outcomes due to delays in diagnosis. Fortunately, overall survival rates have been increasing, likely due to earlier detection and advances in treatment.

Now, the fun starts. Please nominate yourself or someone in your life affected by breast cancer. This may be because they have survived breast cancer themselves, or are close with a breast cancer victim or survivor. They need not be a blogger. I just ask that you be a follower (new, old, or young) of Life by Chocolate.

Feel free to help spread the word. Please also feel free to use the comments section to share information regarding Breast Cancer and efforts towards a cure. Here’s hoping to lift spirits, and raise breast cancer awareness, in support of those affected by this disease.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I’ve heard them all. Truly, I have. Oops, family members might read this. As I was saying, I overheard women at the laundry mat commiserating about this very matter. I took notes, despite the shock to my virgin ears. Yeah, I happen to keep a pen and paper in the bottom of my laundry basket, and here’s what I recorded. {Can you believe men said these stupid things to those unsuspecting women?}

1) I have a low sperm count, so you won’t get pregnant.
2) They don’t make them big enough.
3) You want me to enjoy it. Don’t you?
4) I don’t have any. I just got divorced, so why would I have condoms?
5) We don’t need it. I’ve been tested -- a few years ago, but I’m sure we’re safe.
6) I don’t really like them.
7) ~~Unlucky #7's for you to fill in. Be creative; suggest another stupid excuse, if you like and/or if you've gone to the laundry mat lately. ~~

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Thanks to Jenny Matlock, we have a fun writing option each week. Jenny offers a prompt every Saturday. The task is to include the prompt in a piece that does not exceed 100 words (not including the prompt). This week's prompt is bolded below. Enjoy, and have a peaceful weekend!

Campaign Platform

In closing, my friends, I will do everything within my power to bring about peace and harmony. My plan for ridding the universe of evil requires just one simple tool: a hammer.

If I had a hammer, my friends, I’d hammer at the meanies.I’d hammer at their kneezies, andAll over their hands.I’d hammer at their noses,I’d hammer at their toes-es.I’d hammer at their groins,I’d hammer ‘til they're knowin'That it’s about love between my brothers and my sistersa-a-all over this la-a-a-and.Ooh ooh ooh ooh.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Times are hard, so I'm re-posting this, along with a mini-story. My friend, TheInvisibleSeductress, inspired this one. She inspires, in very fun ways, and I love her for it.

The Mini-Story:A few weeks ago, I was driving home from work for the last time. I had just lost my job. Stopped at a light, I saw a homeless woman who held up a cardboard sign asking for food. My colleague had treated me to lunch, so I had a bag with some snacks below the passenger's seat. I rolled down my window and handed it to her. I think she was sincerely grateful. I know I never felt so good about a simple act of kindness. Being in a position to do this despite job loss, well, it was a moment of realization.

The Re-post:

Dear Life,You suck. I mean, where's the give-and-take? Why must I always be holding on for you, dear life? Perhaps you could try holding on for me for a change. You haven't exactly been a walk in the park. Well, that is unless we're talking about Central Park in the pouring rain at dusk on, say, a Monday, and I accidentally step in dog poop, and the dog owner is a creepy, smelly guy who asks me for money and a date. As I was saying, or about to say in my typically tacky yet eloquent, sincerely loving fashion, a lot of people I care about are holding on for you too these days. I'm hoping some of them are reading this. For everyone who's been holding on for dear life, this song is for you. (Please hold on for 1.15 mins or so before the singing starts. It's worth it. You are worth it.)

I thank you for this one, dear life. Thank you for my friends in bloggyland too and for the cacao plant, and for sunny days, and for cute boys. I'm talking about the dreamy ones who go for the other girls and shatter my heart into a bazillion tiny sharp edged pieces, and - hey - you're slipping away again! Hold on, would ya?!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Cliff Bar:Pour me a Quik one, Toots.E. Clair: Sure thing. What’s shaking?Cliff Bar:Nut ‘n Honey. Well, actually, you know that Kit Kat I was mixing with? She broke it off. Said she met some tasty Big Hunk.E. Clair:No kidding!? She’s a goober for leaving such a nutritious, rich one like yourself.Cliff Bar:Yeah. She kept complaining that I didn’t give her the organic thing. You know? Fudge! I can’t help what I’m made of!E. Clair:Oh my Godiva! I mean, it’s not like a Big Hunk can give her any real organics either.Cliff Bar:Yeah, I suspect that dud’s pretty tightly wrapped. She says he’s into those 3 Musketeers. Guess that’s her thing too. She wanted me to try an m&m once, but I’m more wholesome. ~Sigh~E. Clair:Some babes just like the dark ones. I bet he ain’t even 40%. What a Cad!Cliff Bar:I do miss sharing kisses. You know? We all need a fix.E. Clair: Fudge, yeah! But I’ve been stale for so long, I wouldn’t know a whatchamacallit if it melted on me.Cliff Bar:Your filling looks pretty fresh to me, tart.E.Clair:Hmm, are you suggesting you’d like a sample?Cliff Bar:Sweetie, I’d like more than a sample of your creamy insides. E.Clair:Well, then, shall we do some trick-or-treating? You know, in costume?Cliff Bar: Oh, E! Just show me your neighborhood, and I'll do the knocking, babe.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Happy October! Here's another Saturday Centus, a little poem just for you. The Centus involves working with a prompt, keeping the piece within 100 words. This week's prompt is not a sentence, but the photo above. You may notice, as it's rather obvious, that my brain jumped from this big orange squash to, well, candy (i.e., not squash). It always does.

Friday, October 1, 2010

My fingers gripped the wheel at their usual 10 and 2 o’clock positions.Where was I headed? Oh yeah, the post office.Kelly’s voice soothed, lifted my spirits even.Thanks, Kelly!Slammed by another bout of unemploymentI'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to flyMobility through paralysisBut I won't forget all the ones that I love.Trauma and dramaDrama and traumaWill it end before I do?I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky..Please! I really mean it: Pretty, lovely please!No whipped cream. No cherry. No sugar on top. Just a straight dose of hot fudge.Piping hot. I promise.Out of the darkness and into the sun.Rejection, rejectionFrom every direction, direction..I'll take a risk, take a chance,Where was I headed?Oh yeah, the post office. Turn right. Don’t hit the pedestrian. He looks like a nice one.Make a change, and break awayMissing him, them, So much to miss so muchMake a wish, take a chance,Why did this happen?Why did that happen?Why did the other happen?Make a change, and break away~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Part II.Grew up in a small townAnd when the rain would fall downI wonder who else will disappointI'd just stare out my windowDreaming of what could beDisappear?And if I'd end up happyDie?I would prayCan't I just wake up to a new and better life?Trying hard to reach outPlease! Pretty, lovely please!I'll be really, really good. I amBut when I tried to speak outAloneFelt like no one could hear meand afraidWanted to belong hereHolding tight to what I know.But something felt so wrong hereSo much to miss so muchSo I'd prayI find myself standing in line.A sweet old man walks into the post office, teasing that his cane gives him clout.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Part III.I could break awaySince I’m first, I josh: “Go right on ahead of me, sir.”Wanna feel the warm breeze“Why, when I can harass people from here?” He grins.Sleep under a palm tree“Good call. You just stay back in your prime spot there.”Feel the rush of the oceanThree elderly men and I share in a hearty chuckle.Get onboard a fast trainMy turn: $18 to rush a piece that’s due tomorrow.A small price to pay for hope.Travel on a jet planeStill trying for publications,Far awaydespite the rejection.And break awayStill trying for the right job,Buildings with a hundred floorsSwinging with revolving doorsdespite the rejection.Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take meStill trying for love,Gotta keep movin on, movin ondespite the rejection.Fly awayTaken by freedomBreak awayI send out another resume.I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.I start a new poem.Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbyeI breathe into the solitude.Take a risk, take a chance,Rejection, rejectionFrom every direction, direction..Make a change, and break away.

A surge of exhilaration ignites my being.Out of the darkness and into the sun.But I won't forget the place I come from

Thanks, Kelly!

I gotta take a risk, take a chance,Make a change, and break awayBreakawayBreak away