Emotional Affair

What do you do when you're married and your partner doesn't want to have sex any more? What's the answer? If counseling doesn't work or your partner won't go, what are your options? Divorce? Death? Affairs? Tom is 55 and his wife, Shelley, is 52. They've been married 25 years and have three kids. "I'm a very sexual human being, and my wife isn't," says Tom. "When we met I was a 90 on the sexual scale, she was a 60. It's not that she doesn't enjoy sex, it's the...

Dear Amy: I'm a married man of several decades. For the most part we are quite happy. Recently I discovered that my wife has been having an email/phone affair with an old boyfriend who has come back into her life. He lives in another state. There are consistent references stating "I love you," "You are the love of my life" and the occasional sexual innuendo in their emails. This has been going on for over a decade. I was able to determine this by doing a search of emails she had...

Dear Amy: My husband had an emotional affair with a teacher at my child's school last year. They both lied to me repeatedly when I asked them to quit contacting each other, and the contact didn't stop until school was nearly over. Being betrayed by two people whom I trusted has been extremely difficult. I think it's finally over, but I'm quite paranoid about the new school year starting when they will see each other again almost daily. She is married, too, but that didn't seem...

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been together for over 31 years and for the most part have had an amazing marriage and partnership. He is truly my life partner. I am, though, struggling with my insecurity stemming from an "emotional affair" he had with a colleague about six years ago. They had the opportunity to travel together and connected emotionally. He said he was unhappy with our marriage and fantasized about being with this other woman. He got to the point that he was...

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been together for over 31 years and for the most part have had an amazing marriage and partnership. He is truly my life partner. I am, though, struggling with my insecurity stemming from an "emotional affair" he had with a colleague about six years ago. They had the opportunity to travel together and connected emotionally. He said he was unhappy with our marriage and fantasized about being with this other woman. He got to the point that he was...

Dear Amy: I have a niece who lies, cheats and steals - mostly from her family, but in the workplace as well. Each time she gets into a huge jam, the family pulls together and "rescues" her. If she is about to get evicted, we pool together money to get her up to date. When she embezzled from her employer, we pulled together so she would only get fired and not be arrested. We also bailed her out when her car was being repossessed. We know that continuing to rescue her isn't...

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married almost 32 years. Last year he told me he was having an emotional affair with one of his employees. He told me that this woman (who is married and has two small children) pressed him to have a physical relationship as well but that he didn't. Who knows? Once I learned about this, my husband and I went to marriage counseling. I have been patient, thinking this was a midlife crisis. We're trying to rebuild the...

Dear Amy: I am a single, Christian male in my mid-50s. I was molested and raped from the age of 11 to 12 by a man who was a community leader and a family friend. Though I have struggled with sometimes disabling depression for as long as I can remember, I realize that it is probably a mistake to attribute all of my pain and dysfunction to this unfortunate history. An antidepressant I have taken for 10 years or so has allowed me to function at home and work, but I am still unable to...

Dear Amy: My husband (of 10 years) and I were married to other people when we met. We worked together, and over the course of two years formed a friendship, which evolved into romantic love. During that time we only shook hands. We hugged once. We knew we wanted to be together, so we left our spouses and began our relationship (which, by the way, is very fulfilling and happy). We have been told by others that we had an "emotional affair," which is...

Dear Amy: My wife had an emotional affair with a friend from childhood. We worked hard to put the affair behind us, and it was a difficult task. She now wants to go his high school reunion - a class that she was not even a member of. She says the invitation is open to classmates and other family members. I was flabbergasted that she would even suggest going. Things like this trigger memories of the pain I went through for several years. I don't...

The Veterans Day observance at McHenry County College has varied somewhat over the past four years, but one thing remains unchanged: its effect on the audience. "It was a very moving program," said Arthur Latham of Hebron after the college's salute to the men and women who served--and still serve--in the nation's armed forces. It was Latham's first time at the MCC program, "but I'll be certain to come back next year," he said. The audience swelled to more than 500 people...

Dear Amy: I am a 20-year-old half-sister to a 12-year-old boy. My brother and I lived in the same town (and in the same house) for the first 10 years of his life. After a custody battle, my mother moved 2,000 miles away to be closer to her family, and I stayed behind to live with my father (my brother and I have different fathers). Our lives haven't been easy, yet I have come out of the rubble pretty intact. My brother, on the other hand, is showing signs that...

Dear Amy: My daughter is in her mid-20s and has been in a relationship for a year with a never-married (we think) guy who is at least 12 years older than she. Our daughter is a successful businessperson who owns her own condo and has money in the bank. She is talking about giving up her condo and moving in with him. He owns his own place, but he has a huge mortgage and lost his job about eight months ago. We've yet to meet him. There has always been some excuse why we haven't met. ...

Dear Amy: About two years ago, my wife met a man over the Internet and had an affair with him. When confronted, she admitted the affair and broke it off. We worked on our relationship, but it isn't as strong as it used to be. Now, two years later, I think she's having (at least) an emotional affair with another man she met over the Internet. He's not local, so it is unlikely that my wife would physically consummate the affair. I don't have any concrete...

Dear Amy: I'm a married man of several decades. For the most part we are quite happy. Recently I discovered that my wife has been having an email/phone affair with an old boyfriend who has come back into her life. He lives in another state. There are consistent references stating "I love you," "You are the love of my life" and the occasional sexual innuendo in their emails. This has been going on for over a decade. I was able to determine this by doing a search of emails she had...

Dear Amy: My husband had an emotional affair with a co-worker, and although he said it was over, I later found out that it was not. Now he claims it is definitely over and has given me access to all of his e-mail, phone records, etc. Most of the time I do believe him because I see a difference in him. He is more like his "old self. " I hate checking up on him, but will I ever stop being suspicious? Will I ever be able to respect him again? I also fear...

Think "affair" and you think "sex." But that's not always the case. There is a different kind of fracture: emotional infidelity. Miami Beach psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman even wrote a book on the subject in 2001, "Emotional Infidelity" (Random House). "An emotional affair can be just as dangerous to a marriage. When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery...

Dear Amy: My husband had an emotional affair with a teacher at my child's school last year. They both lied to me repeatedly when I asked them to quit contacting each other, and the contact didn't stop until school was nearly over. Being betrayed by two people whom I trusted has been extremely difficult. I think it's finally over, but I'm quite paranoid about the new school year starting when they will see each other again almost daily. She is married, too, but that didn't seem...

Dear Amy: My wife had an emotional affair with a friend from childhood. We worked hard to put the affair behind us, and it was a difficult task. She now wants to go his high school reunion - a class that she was not even a member of. She says the invitation is open to classmates and other family members. I was flabbergasted that she would even suggest going. Things like this trigger memories of the pain I went through for several years. I don't...

Dear Amy: I'm hoping you can shed some light on how I can deal with a perennial issue. My husband and I have been married 20 years. He comes from a very loud and boisterous family. My family is much tamer. I don't consider myself quiet, but I don't need to hear myself talk 24/7, either. My husband's siblings also married partners who are more on the moderate side of being loud. For the majority of these 20 years, at each family function the inevitable "what's wrong with...