Untitled

17Apr

Firstly, I would like to thank everyone who commented on my last post. It means so much to me that people I’ve never met, not only take the time to follow my blog, but to actually convey they’re disappointment and sorrow at what’s happened. Thank you so much.
Secondly, I’ve named this post ‘untitled’ because for the life of me, I can’t think of any appropriate word or sentence that correctly conveys how I’m feeling right now.

The past few weeks have been filled with excitement, trips to mothercare and endless posts on various pregnancy forums, comparing stories and excitement for the future. Each night I would have the same routine, I would get into bed, spend an hour or so trawling these forums, commenting on people’s stories and adding my own posts, I would put the iPad down, touch my belly, whisper “we’re going to sleep now baby, mummy loves you very much” and go to sleep.

Monday 15th April, couldn’t come quickly enough, we were so excited about seeing our little baby and hearing it’s heartbeat. We were going to video it so we could watch it over and over. We arrived at the clinic at about 1430, a mixture of nerves and excitement. I got on the same familiar bed and the nurse began the scan. She told me not to be worried if she had a serious look on her face, so I told her I wouldn’t look at her. A minute or so later, she said “I’ll show you what I can see” she turned the screen toward me and pointed out a big dark area which she explained was the gestational sac, she said it looked like there was a yolk sac, but no baby. The doctor came a few minutes later and confirmed what the nurse said, the baby had stopped developing at some point in the preceding weeks.

The clinic were lovely. They explained what would happen next, I would be referred to an nhs early pregnancy unit for management of what would happen next. I have 3 options, wait for it to happen naturally, go to hospital for surgery or take tablets/pessaries to encourage it to happen. The clinic were unable to contact the hospital so because I was in a hurry to leave, they gave us the details and told us to call them. We did this, only to have the most unsympathetic person answer the phone. We were told things like “what are we supposed to do about it?” Disgusting. Anyway, that aside, I’m booked into the hospital tomorrow for another scan where they will confirm what the clinic have said and we will decide what option to take tomorrow.

I am sitting here now absolutely petrified that this process is going to start naturally. I know some women will feel differently, but I do not in any way want to feel this happening. I want to go into hospital and them do what they have to do whilst I’m asleep. I still can’t believe this is happening to me.

Throughout my pregnancy, the one thing I have been absolutely utterly petrified of is a missed miscarriage. I only found out about them through these forums, but in a way, I’m relieved I knew about it, it prepared me for what happened. Had I not known, I would have gone to that scan absolutely convinced that everything was okay.

In a way, I’m sure I had an inkling that things weren’t right. I had absolutely no symptoms whatsoever. I had no morning sickness, no extra trips to the toilet, no additional tiredness. Despite my friends and family telling me that not everyone experiences symptoms, I thought there must be something wrong. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t really prepare me. Although you have something in the back of your mind telling you to be careful with your emotions, ultimately you are positive.

At the moment I can’t think about what’s going to happen in the next few days let alone starting this whole process again. I am just devastated,

8 responses to “Untitled”

I know exactly how you are feeling. I had a missed miscarriage nearly 2 years ago discovered at my first scan at 13 weeks – like you there was no baby visible so it had happened really early on. I had an ERPC because I didn’t want to wait for to happen naturally. I’ve now got a 4 month daughter which is wonderful (but I still often think about the one I lost) so I really hope you get your rainbow baby one day. xx

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I don’t know how you will feel about this bit of advice, given that you don’t want to feel the experience of miscarrying…but maybe do some reading online about what people do to remember their baby. Many people take the placenta, egg sac or foetus (depending on stage of pregnancy), and then bury it. It can help to have a place to go to remember your baby. I’m sure you don’t have to see it (as I assume you won’t want to), and I don’t een know if that’s an option where you live. It’s commonly done here in NZ as us Maori (indigenous) treat the body and everything to do with it, as very sacred, so routinely ask for this type of thing to be done. Now that may completely freak you out, but maybe do some research and see if there is some way of remembering your baby. Maybe it’s lighting a candle and playing a song or putting flowers in a river or the sea. But if it might be to bury your baby, then try and think about that in time. We buried both of our babies and planted a tree- the one with the heart shaped leaves on my blog banner.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I was told at 16 weeks that I to had a miscarriage. We were devastated. Just a week before I had felt him kick twice. I refused to face that it was happening and decided to keep him for as long as my body would allow. A week later it happened. It’s been 14 months since and I finally feel ready to try again. Keep your head up and know that you have your own special little angel!