University anarchist group demands dedicated unsafe space

CALGARY – This past Tuesday, the University of Calgary Student Anarchists Society (UCSAS) delivered a petition to school administration insisting that an unsafe space be set aside for them to retreat to when needed.

“Classes, professors, and homework can be overwhelming, particularly when they include level-headed viewpoints which make us anarchists uncomfortable,” said Chuck Mawlins, a member of the UCSAS, “we need a specific area reserved for us on campus to allow us to feel as unsafe as necessary when that happens.”

The proposal includes architectural diagrams for the space which features sawblades popping up from the floor, open electrical wiring, and gasoline canisters perched precariously close to a set of indoor barbecues. Marbles will litter the floor. Furthermore, the feeling of unsafety will go beyond mere physical harm and allow for students to also experience all facets of emotional, psychological, and existential dread as well.

“We have a duty to acknowledge these feelings,” added Mawlins.

Reached for comment, Robert Maple, vice-chair of student relations, agreed. “We want to make sure all our students feel at home on campus and it troubles us to learn that this group of vulnerable youngsters have been feeling totally at ease for so long.”

“Ironically, their actual application for the space was astonishingly well organized,” he continued.

Sources within the University administration say that the only stumbling block is the astronomical cost such a room would impose on the school budget. Members of the university’s engineering faculty have already been called upon to design the “hypodermic needle water fountain” and other similar devices. As well, the school’s art department has offered up their oversize printers to prepare the images of Gary Busey which will line the walls. Unfortunately, staff are still stymied as to how to accomplish the “feeling like there is always someone behind you breathing” feature which appears central to UCSAS’ vision.

“Space is definitely at a premium on campus so we may have to move some things around to accommodate these students,” said Vice-Chair Maple, “however, I’m sure if we all pull together we can ensure that no student will have to go to university without being able to feel blind, savage panic at a moment’s notice if they so desire.”

While plans for the unsafe space are proceeding, other students have doubts. “Bunch of snowflakes,” opined Chad Marsters, econ major. “In the real world things are actually pretty safe all the time, and school has to prepare them for that.”

UCSAS’ President, Lacey Tuggins, could not be reached for comment as she was busy screaming into a coffee cup before exploding for no reason at all.