It was never, ever, my plan to create something which became as popular as Digitiser. I'm humbled that people loved it. I'm humbled when people say they like my work today. I feel privileged and blessed.

In a way, I'm as much a fan of Digitiser as you are. I loved it, I loved working on it, and it's back now because of that love - yet it's a two-way thing. It wouldn't be here now if we didn't all love it, or at least really like it. You and me both. Unless you're someone who doesn't love it, in which case... why are you even reading this? Go away.

I know that might risk sounding weird, or egotistical, or arrogant, but it's not meant that way. I mean, for one thing, I suspect I probably love Digi in a slightly different way to you, for rather different reasons. It has a different meaning for me.

It might be coincidental, it might not, but the times in my life when I've felt most grounded and secure were the times when I had Digitiser or Digitiser2000.

In-between those two points, things went a bit wrong, and so did I, and I had to go away to sort all that out. And that's what this is about: how sometimes having a direct mainline to the public can be the worst possible thing for an individual, whether you're a YouTuber, journalist, or games developer... How deeply vulnerable it can make you.

PWNEDI'm going to try and own as much of this as I can, and try not to generalise... but I suspect that some of my own experience might be familiar to certain others.

From 2003 to early 2008 I was the very worst possible version of myself. It was five years when I just lost touch with who I was, and who I wanted to be.

I'd had a series of pretty seismic shocks in my personal life, my domestic situation had fragmented, and everything that I'd held onto as a touchstone of my identity and sense of self had fallen away or been called into question.

With the benefit of hindsight, I was probably depressed as a result of it all... but it never really felt like depression the way I'd heard depression described. There was no wanting to stay in bed all day, or living under a black cloud.

Quite the opposite - I got on with things, tried running from it all, working harder and harder, thinking that somehow success or money or holidays might sort things out, that it might silence the constant anxiety in my gut. I was trying to find something to hang onto, some sort of solid ground. Trying to keep myself distracted. Always running to keep ahead of the crack in the ground that felt like it might catch up with me at any moment.

SENSE OF SELFHaving a strong and stable sense of identity helps self-esteem. It keeps you flexible, able to roll with life's punches. Without that strong sense of identity, it's all too easy to allow others to define who you are - either by seeking their praise or affection, or from being felled by their criticism or rudeness.

We might believe that we're, y'know, an alright sort of person, or talented, or a good driver... but having that challenged, when you're already doubting yourself, can be catastrophic. Just as dangerous is when our own behaviour challenges our sense of self; when we behave "out of character".

It can be especially lethal when criticism either becomes deliberately personal, or is aimed at something which is entirely personal to us (and thus you become collateral damage); such as, say, a video game you might've written...

​Or if people are being deliberately unpleasant, because they think you somehow deserve it. You know: trolling, or stalking, or impersonating you online, or setting up a Twitter account dedicated to trashing your work, or whatever... It can become too tempting to lash out, or to try and control that - to try and control the pain that comes from that clash. To yell at the outside world that it's wrong.

"I'm not like that! Stop telling me what I am! I/my website/game/work is good, and so am I!"

It's fair to say that Digitiser was deeply personal to me, but until I left it - until that leaving coincided with everything else going rather tits-up - I never took any criticism of it to heart. I was pretty grounded. In 2003, with my sense of self gone, without the stability - both creatively and financially - that Digitiser gave me, I'd lost my final point of reference to myself. I was floating in space.

KNEE-JERK JERKWithout anything to cling to, without my identity to hang onto, even doubting that I was the person I thought I was or wanted to be, I became incredibly susceptible to criticism.

I saw attacks in every little thing. I became touchy, knee-jerk, and - y'know - just a bit of a dick.

My resources were so low that I wasn't always polite to people. I didn't always behave as I now wish I had. Some of that time still makes me cringe with embarrassment, and I scarcely even recognise that me.

What's more, I was possibly the worst person who should've been running the forum that was attached to my old blog - which ultimately became the flashpoint that tipped me over the edge. I think in starting that place I wanted to belong to something. I was looking for a group of mates, strength in numbers. I didn't want to be the guy in charge. I was burned by that spotlight.

Ultimately, I shut it down in a fit of pique, and upset a lot of people. There's enough head-hurting politics in running a message board without dealing with a message board's politics while your head is already hurting. My sense of judgement was all over the place.

The subsequent fallout of that impulsive decision - which was essentially a panicked attempt to slam a blast door down on yet another aspect of my life which seemed as if it had turned sour - brought a lot more rubbish my way. I was not remotely equipped to deal with it.

It's too much to expect people to be pleasant in the face of somebody behaving somewhat irrationally or impulsively. I mean, it would probably be better if they would - when somebody is standing in a burning shed and screeching to be rescued, the worst thing you could probably do is throw a load of flaming torches at them.

But still. That's human nature, I suppose. That instinct to want to see people squirm and react. To know you have power over them - especially if you're a bit on the busted side yourself. Unfortunately, it becomes a vicious circle, which continues until somebody has the strength to break away.

NOTHING LIKE THE RESENTI hold no resentment to those who made my life even more unbearable at a time when it was already tumultuous. But it's fair to say that what happened did push me over the edge of a precipice that I'd been teetering on for a while.

I'd forgotten about this until now, but I remember coming off the Internet one evening and breaking down so badly that I howled uncontrollably. A proper, primal, broken noise of anguish, that I thought people only did in films... A bit like Darth Vader going "Noooo", but more convincing. And then I looked up and saw my young daughter, who'd come downstairs to see what the noise was. And still I wasn't able to stop. That's as bad as it ever got.

I couldn't put my kids through it any longer, let alone myself. There was nobody left to help me, or nobody I wanted to trouble with my problems. So I cut myself off from the most immediate source of pain - being Mr Biffo - then started the slow process of putting myself back together, before I could address everything else that needed fixing in my life.

THAT POINT​Before it reached that point, I'd woken up every morning for six months or more, dreading the moment when I had to switch on my monitor, and confront whatever horrors had occurred overnight. I'd then spend hours in a heightened, hyper-vigilant state, scouring the internet to put out fires. While also trying to do my job and be a good dad. While dealing with a stalker. While also going through a period of profound personal crisis. While trying to juggle seven - seven! - flaming chainsaws.

Obviously, nobody who knew my work, or encountered me online, or commented on my blog, or wrote shit about me, was aware of any of that. Why would they be? I wasn't going to write about it publicly because a) It wasn't anyone else's business, and b) I didn't want to trawl for sympathy. As far as they were concerned, Mr Biffo was just a twat. And sometimes he was.

Writing about this now is no "woe is me" fest either. It's just important to me that people understand the power of words. I often see it written that words online are just words online... but that feels like a way to absolve someone of their responsibility.

Words have the weight to strike to at the very identity of a person - the most important thing we all have - especially if that person's defences are weak or degraded. We have no way of telling how vulnerable a person is just from looking at them, or watching them on YouTube, or Twitch, or reading their Tweets.

And yes, if you make a shitty comment online it might just be one comment... but you might also be adding to a mountain of other comments. Or a mountain of other pain. Even a grain of sand can hurt if it gets in your eye.

​I think people in the privileged - yet occasionally poisoned - position of having their work publicly judged are sometimes viewed as being unbreakable, of being able to take it. Yet we've all got stuff going on behind the scenes. You, me, him, them, her. We're all vulnerable, we're all breakable. We're all just folk.

Some years ago, my daughter was beaten up at school by another girl. She had to go to hospital for an x-ray. She'd had a clump of hair ripped out, and needed stitches from where this other girl had smashed her head into the wall. It was such a vicious assault that we wanted to press charges against the girl.

It felt like it was more than just "bullying" - my daughter had a suspected skull fracture, and the suspension - which is what the girl received - didn't feel enough, because we were angry.

We went into the school to see the head teacher, and he begged us not to take it further. He said there were circumstances which he couldn't tell us about, regarding the girl, and said that - while it was entirely up to us - he didn't think contacting the police would help. And so we dropped it.

BENEFITS OFFICE​If someone is behaving like a knob-end, if they're oversensitive, or acting a bit mental-y, and trigger-happy sensitive, then there are likely to be reasons beyond something as reductive and meaningless as "That person is a dick".

Of course, that applies to people in real life as much as it does to people with a public profile, who write websites, or publish video games... but I think there can be a bit of a disparity with the "famous" that they somehow deserve abuse because they should know what they're getting into.

And there's an element of truth in that: I only returned to Digitiser2000 when I knew what I would potentially be getting back into.

But that's second time around. First time around it sort of happened without me choosing it.

Still, I was terrified when I sent my first ever Tweet as Mr Biffo. I spent the entire evening pacing the house, waiting for all the crap to start up again. I'd slammed a door on a world of shit, and had opened it again - never having once peeked in the interim. I had no idea what to expect.

However, I was only able to really make that judgement call because I'd sorted out my head, heart and life. I knew I wouldn't be using Mr Biffo or Digitiser2000 as a crutch or substitute for anything else. I was fairly confident that I was able to take any abuse with good grace. I'd ignored Mr Biffo for the best part of seven years, so I'd become good at ignoring things.

I wasn't 100% certain it was going to work out. And I was lucky in that, mostly, everyone has been very nice, bygones have become bygones, and I think there's a rather lovely group of people orbiting Digitiser2000 now. That said, I'm still prepared to walk away from it, were it ever to draw too much grief. I'll never hold onto toxic parts of my life again.

And I suppose the point I'm coming to is this: anything I write on this site is never intended as a personal attack on anyone. I might say deliberately silly things, or be tongue in cheek, or criticise somebody's game... but I mean it with no malice.

I'm a strong believer in tough love. It doesn't always help to wrap a person in cotton wool. Yet even tough love - even feedback, even negative reviews, even stupid articles that say ridiculous things about people - can be delivered with empathy. ​

Anything I ever write on here is written in that spirit. Because I never want to knowingly, or accidentally, be the grain of sand that ends up in someone's eye.

As the carer of a child who has a whole load of (precedent setting severe) issues, that generally manifest at school,i think you did the right thing not pressing charges on that girl after the head asked you not to. +1.
And if you ever need a friend i'm down wi'that!

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Mr Biffo

29/6/2016 06:59:11 pm

Oh I know. We were just angry. I don't think we would've ever actually done it.

Er, Biffus...do you mean 'anything I write on this site is NEVER intended as a personal attack'?

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Mr Biffo

29/6/2016 07:45:22 pm

That... that would indeed be what I meant. CURSES!

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Barrybarrybarrybarry

29/6/2016 07:54:16 pm

Unbelievable. I was here ages ago and didn't notice.

I'm fired, aren't I?

Anyway, thanks for the hugs everyone!

Josssssshhh (leaking air)

29/6/2016 08:12:03 pm

I'm glad that you felt together enough to return to Digitising as Mr Biffo. I have felt that your replies to comments showed a gentle kindness never previously seen from Biffo, with the familiar and welcome silly lines bundled gratis.

The creative freedom of Digitiser, amplified by the flat aesthetic and technical limitations of Teletext delivered a truly strange and wonderful world of ideas to me as a child. The words, crammed into a few lines with agonisingly slow page cycles, seemed not to patronise me, so I trusted their honest origin.

I really enjoy this blog, the games stuff as ever, and especially the personal insight and storytelling. It somehow feels like a forgotten friendship has been defrosted. I don't usually write comments that sound like sycophancy, yet I sincerely enjoy your writing, and more so now you have returned on your own terms.

Also, did you ever meet J Nash?

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devwan

29/6/2016 08:52:37 pm

"trolling, or stalking, or impersonating you online, or setting up a Twitter account dedicated to trashing your work, or whatever..."

I've been here, minus the stalking (ffs, AFAIK at least) and it was Facebook not Twitter. And I'm just a nobody who happened to make a few games for an old console, but the smallest things can make you a target.

"Before it reached that point, I'd woken up every morning for six months or more, dreading the moment when I had to switch on my monitor, and confront whatever horrors had occurred overnight."

5 or 6 years ago I lived this. I neglected my work, my family life, it consumed me. It was war and it was hell. Haven't thought about any of this for a good little while. Reading your words brought it all back, sent me pale and knocked me sick. That dread crawled back for just a few moments. So yeah, err, thanks for that!

I just remembered a special move our old telly used to have. It used to cache the last three viewed pages and store those and their updates. To read digi most efficiently, I'd quickly stab in the pages I wished to read first in reverse order, and as soon as I'd done with one, I could insta-view the next without having to wait for the update. I was one with the machine.

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Chris Wyatt

29/6/2016 11:07:32 pm

I had a TV card with Teletext software. I could leave it caching every page on that channel. Also I had crappy TV reception, and it could do error correction with three different versions of each page.

Was great. I had a regime of switching the PC in the morning, leaving it downloading Teletext, having a shower, and then blasting through the Digi pages at my own reading speed.

I remember one time, Channel 4 pretty much halved the delay that pages appeared. This is probably how I learnt to speed read, so I have Teletext to thank for that. Unfortunately, people who couldn't read properly complained, and they restored it back to the original speed.

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PS1Snake

30/6/2016 12:21:41 am

Yo, thanks for sharing this Biffo.
It made me reflect on a few things in my life. I think it's quite hard not to feel self-conscious and anxious when contributing any kind of personally-generated content online. And it's even harder to digest unpleasant responses that may emerge as a result of "putting yourself out there". I know I wouldn't be able handle it. It's the reason why I don't have any kind of social media presence and have limited myself to two forums and Digitiser2000's comments section.

When I did have a more active presence online, I found myself dreading the moment I "logged in". I'd be overcome with anxiety and readied myself for negative responses to my online messages and forum posts. Over time, it can start to destroy your mental wellbeing. I found myself dwelling on what someone online said while I was making a cup of tea or in the shower. Negative online comments seemed to linger and follow me around in my head for the whole day.

As a result, I'd spend my time trying to think up strong rebuttals in my head while I was watching TV in the evening. I'd find myself wasting hours developing responses spanning several paragraphs - to "win" an argument online. I just had to respond.

One day I realised all of this was really starting to consume make me feel bad. I was coming away from my laptop mentally drained after getting locked into drawn-out online battles. It dawned on me how pointless it all was. I was willingly exposing my mind to negative online environments. Whether it was reading an unpleasant reply or coming across an offensive thread topic – I realised I was the one opening myself up to it. That was a critical moment for me.

That’s when I decided to dump everything and effectively cut myself self off from the online world. Now, I don’t participate in anything online with the exception of two video game forums and Digitisers2000’s comments and I feel much better. Ok, technically I can still be subjected to unpleasant comments, but it’s a lot less likely because my presence is far more limited (and the communities are better moderated).

The online world can really get into your head. My solution of limiting one’s online presence might sound drastic, but the mental serenity gained from it is well worth it in my opinion.

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Keith

30/6/2016 07:19:29 am

Thanks for posting this. I had a similar period a few years back, just as a message board participant, but on a message board that brought out the absolute worst in me that I should not have bothered with, but at a point where I was kind of oblivious because I was quite lonely and the social impact felt like a positive even though I was pissing -people off and making myself unhappy

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SH

30/6/2016 09:30:32 am

Hahaha, In a deep and meaningful convo I had with a friend the other day, I said that the only thing I truly think I'm good at is driving (meant in a self deprecating way), and here is Mr_B validating me. Much appreciated ;)

Strange coincidence aside, good piece, good piece!

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Scottalot

30/6/2016 09:57:20 am

For dull reasons I yesterday found myself trawling through some of Stuart Campbell's internet and business history. There were aspects of him then that make for uncomfortable reading, particularly with some of the truths revealed much more recently. Reading this article makes me realise that Rev Stu has probably been in similar places to you, and that's made me judge him less. He's still a bit of a tool, though.

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Squits

30/6/2016 12:46:06 pm

A well written piece.

I wish I had disconnected from the toxic things ten years ago, then I might have still been me. I'm not me anymore, I'm someone else's version of me.

Anyway, the old Yahoo group we had lasted a while and some of us still talk. Kind of. Don't we Trashcanglam? :D

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Paulvw

30/6/2016 03:38:27 pm

The worst thing about bullying at school now is that it doesn't stop at the front door.

If we can't behave and empathise ourselves, how can we expect our kids too.

This is great. Not just for it's content, but as a demonstration of why, us guys of a certain type shouldn't be afraid to lay out and address things that affect us.

We have just as much "depth" as anyone else in the world but it gets expressed in ways that are different to those culturally accepted avenues.

I work with young nerdy sort of guys (I'm an IT tutor) and this is the kind of stuff I try to bring out of them.
I don't have a fully clarified message here just that it's good to express yourself and that is what strength really means.

You're an inspiration Mr Biffo even though I only fleeting read Digitiser on the telly and I think that everything you've done is stupid and a waste of time and you really shouldn't have bothered and I hate you.

Right on Biffs! As you know I saw some of that while it was happening, and could feel your pain. I think what you have written there is very true and very brave. That's why we love you you ridiculous old porcupine!

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Mr Biffo

2/7/2016 04:48:08 pm

Indeed, you did, John - and you were a lovely pillar of support at the time. I've never forgotten it.

And thank you to everyone else who said something kind. Much, much appreciated!

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Nicholas John Joseph Taylor

5/7/2016 11:37:20 pm

Digitiser on teletext was a huge part of my life, even as an Amiga and later Sega Saturn owner. I loved every page. I got a real kick out of the humour, and the rest of my family didn't understand it and hated it. I'm glad that although you had a rocky road, that things worked out. Was dead chuffed when I watched my parents are aliens and it said, written by Mr Biffo lol