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Sunday, September 23, 2012

I wish I had a witty headline, like “Bono’s bits and Aram’s pieces,” but I guess I do.

Perhaps the thing that excites me the most about the term “roller coaster” is the possibility of there one day being a hover coaster.

I hope the Martians land on St. Patrick’s Day. Then they’d think we’re cool.

I was woken up by some people clapping, cheering and ringing a cowbell every few seconds. It turns out there was a marathon going down the street, but at first, it was like I was being applauded for sleeping. It was great, because you always hear about people who feel bad after sleeping wrong. I did it right.

But perhaps the best part about having a marathon go by your house is staying inside and making omelets.

Eggos are gross, but they have a hell of an advertising campaign, so they get away with it. When that came out, I bet the people in charge of marketing beans were like, “Shit. We were so close. ‘Leggo my legume,’ that would’ve been perfect. We would’ve sold millions.” They did, but it was because they made the product very small.

And before you get really mad and think I’m saying God is in advertising, he is.

Wafers don’t really project the most accurate image. The church should cut a deal with Powerbar.

This is the church.

This is the steeple.

Open the door,

Funny Name:

Heh, heh. "Seth."

Seriously, though, even pornstars are thinking, “Try again, mate.”

Stanford was forced to change their team name from the Indians to the Cardinal. I think it’s a good move.

I wouldn’t fuck with 11 of that.

Their reasoning was that it’s offensive to Native Americans, and I have enough straight white man guilt to agree. We should be sensitive to the needs of others, and we shouldn’t stop at Stanford. Edmonton is next. I don’t personally take offense, but the Oilers must really piss off polar bears.

I considered buying a Prius, but the technology just isn’t there yet. It beeps when you reverse. I’m holding out for the model that plays Juvenile.

I feel good about bringing sexy out because I know Timberlake will always be there to take it home at the end of the day. He’s like a DD, but only for sexy.

Fashion report: It appears that the tank top is making a comeback among sweaty motherfuckers who don’t care what they look like.

I have a farmer tan, but it’s not a very good one. It’s more like a guy who plants a couple tomatoes in the backyard that shrivel up and die when he doesn’t water them enough tan.

Ok, I give in. You can use the term Sacratomato if you agree to get dickslapped. It’s not even a good pun. If you want something that works, try

Sacramentos. It’s like that candy that seemed like a good idea in 8th grade, but now it’s mostly used to make shit blow up on YouTube. Come visit. It’s just like New York City if New York City was like Sacramento. Papa Roach was from about 50 miles away. And the circus has been here twice.

Problemas del mundo primero: Being able to get your steak cooked to temperature but not getting the same for tortillas.

I can’t be the only one who likes them medium-well.

Whenever there’s a new social media site, I join right away with my real name as my user name because I know that there’s at least one other person out there with my name, and if I get the chance to shaft a distant relative I’ll probably never meet, I will.

For those who slept through the '90s, here's how to make an online user name.

Step 1: Choose something you like.

Step 2: Choose a word or phrase that shows you like it.

Step 3: Choose the last two digits of your birth year. (This may be substituted by a number that shows you really like that thing you chose).

Step 4: Combine 1 through 3 with intentional disregard for grammar or dignity.

Examples:

Surfingluvr82

Blazin4lyfe420

Penguinsgivemeboners77

And if you’re just getting into this because you’re tired of waiting for the computer fad to go away:

Crochetvillain187

Damitfeelzgood2bagramma69

Jesusismypimp54

I’m a client of a Christian financial planning company. That’s not very settling, putting responsibility for profit in the hands of religion.

Wait a minute.

OMG

LOLZ

ROWLF

It blows my mind that such a thing as a “gay district” still exists. Like they live in their own ghettos. Fabulous, fabulous ghettos.

Sorry. I’ll try to write jokes.

If your dinner requires three utensils and they are all spoons.

Sorry. I’ll try to write sentences.

Spooning leads to sucking if you have a root beer float.

I get slutty for ice cream.

Sometimes I think about getting a Thighmaster. Other times I think about koala bears.

I like coffee, but I like it to be strong, which is not how Americans typically drink it. I’ve been using this new method that’s kind of like what the Turkish do and kind of like what a crackhead would do if he were looking to change careers.

I personally can’t see how we don’t have more rehab programs that aim to reintroduce addicts into society as chemists. From an industrial perspective, these people have already demonstrated their skill set, not to mention their resourcefulness and go-getter attitude. You don’t need to pay them much. Just let them use the company restroom and occasionally sleep under their desk. Before long, Monsanto will have an ear of corn that resists all parasites, gets you high as balls and doubles as a food product for the inner city.

Jamba Juice would be way different if fruit could talk. Then again, so would most things.

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Banana.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

I would try to convince it.

“But sir, you are delicious. Take one for the food chain?”

I was so upset when I found out that wasn’t what Aretha Franklin was talking about.

“Come on, man. My stomach is relaxing. It sits like a hammock. I know you people are into that.”

Screams would be a lot more appetizing.

And vegetarians would be murderers.

I was a kid once, and Mama never said, “Knock you out.” She’d usually say, “Eek! What are you doing? Go outside! You’re getting blood on the carpet!”

Btw, if you submitted something to The Jigglybits Magazine, I feel sorry for whoever has that email address.

Old fuck moment: I have little hope for this generation. I think there should be a rule that we don’t give nuclear weapons to anyone who listened to Justin Bieber.

Some babies sound like Chewbacca. Others look like him.

Was Chewy even a him? I don’t recall any space junk.

I want a dog that doesn’t look worried when it’s taking a shit. I don’t need that pressure.

Rene Zellweger appears to be forever practicing for her future role as spokeswoman for Depends.

If you get a giant zit on your chin, you look like a dork. But if you get a giant zit on your chin and you have a beard, you look like a superhero.

So, bloggers are journalists now. That means I have to report on shit. So, in case you didn’t see it, this was the Democratic National Convention:

And the Republican National Convention:

Both of which promote ball chin.

I get really tanned in the summer, but only the parts that see the sun. I don’t commit all the way. I’m albino curious. It’s enough that if I went to the South, I probably wouldn’t be allowed to masturbate.

Cucumbers aren’t cool unless they’re refrigerated.

I didn’t know the guy from Creed tried to kill himself. Huh.

I got an invitation from the Post Office to attend a stamp show. Just because I buy something does not mean I like it enough to go to a show. And where the shit are all the invitations to cheese shows?

Piewrit (n): 1. One who creates illegal pastry, 2. One who steals legal pastry, 3. The long awated sequel to Seabiscuit

It’s been a long time. I think The Muffin Man has to have moved by now. Motherfuckers don’t stick around like they used to.

The best hold music hands down goes to the DHHS. It’s kind of like if Yanni made porn.

Babies come from sex. So use a condom if you’re going to fuck a stork.

The more you know.

The freakier you get.

Names that could also be things you have to pay extra for:

British translation:

Jack Skellington on weed: “I am the sofa king!”

I’m waiting for society to wake up one day and say, “Cats? WTF were we thinking?”

I saw a bumper sticker that just said, “Jesus is coming,” and then it had a phone number. I need three things:

1. A company that makes custom bumper stickers

2. The number of a gay Mexican phone sex line

3. A coke

It’s too hot for clothes. Neighbors, I’m sorry.

Or you’re welcome.

Problemas del mundo primero:

Sorry. I get kinda douchey when I get political.

Btw, republicans, is that still an ok ladybits action?

Mak-a me nervous.

I asked my friend, Amanda, if I could call her “Amandapanda,” and she refused. Anyone who doesn’t accept the nickname “Amandapanda” doesn’t know what cute is.

“Hey, hot stuff. What’s your name?”

“Jeff. But you can call me ‘Amandapanda.’”

Robin: “Amandapanda has unleashed her forces all over Gotham!”

Batman: “It’s like the cutest infestation ever.”

The superhero world seems a bit catty and insecure. Everyone is trying to one-up each other.

Superman

Ultraman

Man, Fighter 2 Turbo Hyper Fighting

Antman

If you haven’t seen the new Batman, Bain is voiced by Sean Connery going down on ProTools.

I’ve seen enough superhero movies to know what they’re doing. It’s all marketing. Next summer we’ll have another movie.

RoboScot

I heard a bit of this new song, maybe you can help me out. It goes something like:

I just met you.

And this is crazy.

But here’s my number.

I want to fuck you like an animal.

“My life needs to be more G rated… The world scares me :(” – my Mormon friend

Maybe I should start deleting people.

I’m a writer, which means I don’t have health insurance. I was walking across my kitchen the other day, when my knee started hurting. I immediately thought of all the shit I didn’t do. I didn’t exercise, so that was out. I didn’t take the lord’s name in vain.

Wait. Fuck. I did. That’s kinda what I do. There is a god. And he strikes about 24 inches from the floor. If you live on the second floor. People, if you value your ligaments, you’d better start going to church. It’s too late for me. But that’s ok. I’m pretty sure they can replace what’s broken with a part from a dead pig.

I still get CareerBuilder emails because I’m lazy about unsubscribing, and the most recent one offered a position as a bath fitter, which is odd because I don’t.

That joke is only funny if you’re over 6 feet tall. And if you aren’t, using the top shelf is like sex.

Names that could also be things you have to pay extra for:

Some companies get a bit too dramatic with their phone numbers. I saw a carpeting truck that said in big, red letters: CALL 499-HELP. This could lead to potentially fatal misunderstandings. Someone who is in legit trouble dials for help, and they get carpeting. At least they make same week appointments. That can’t be entirely bad.

I think I just wrote a 1970s porno.

I shall call it “Chick-fil-A.”

I like how some things are named after their creators: Allen Wrench, Mendelevium, Rubik’s Cube. I’m pretty sure that whenever Kevlar makes the news, some dude named Kev is going, “Yes! That’s my-lar!”

They can’t all be winners. If the Olympics taught us one thing, it’s that swimmers Nair.

Names that could also be things you have to pay extra for:

I got a smartphone, which I highly recommend because you can make your own ringtone. I made one that’s the sound of my phone on vibrate. It’s just like having it on vibrate, but it doesn’t move. I have a very sensitive upper thigh.

Plus I like to have people answer my phone as a practical joke, like a joy buzzer that doesn’t buzz.

“Hey, would you get that?”

“Um, dude, it’s in your pocket.”

“Trust me, you’re going to like this.”

It works great on the elderly.

I don’t have a microwave. If I did, I would record the ding and make it my ringtone in order to give those around me false hopes.

“Dammit, Bono. Fooled me again. I thought I was about to get a burrito.”

The microwave burrito is its own first aid. You just have to keep eating.

Shopping list:

Milk

Milk

Lemonade

There’s more, but I’ll have to go somewhere else.

Linguistics fans: “Jason Statham” backwards spells “butt sex.”

That’s the formula for Pig Italian.

Have you found Jesus? If so, we could totally make a killing.

Partial Sentences Taken Out of Context:

I saw a woman walking down the street wearing an “I < 3 ME” shirt. But I’m skeptical. I doubt she’s ever been to Maine.

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