Saturday, March 28, 2009

i dont know how to start this... i was not a good friend i thought.. i dont know my friends well enough and just enough for me to trust them... or they cant trust me cuz i wont let them see trough me.. see my own self or they dont even want to be my friend. thats what i thought.. but i cant never get the right answer if everyone keep everything in them!!... i need to hear something, i need to know something. then i can start to trust...trust.... it was really scary to trust a person.. it was my most fear...trusting someone... i was too scare if they betray me nor i did... its hard... i dont like to alone in everything... i cant see a light of trust in their eyes when they speak to me.. nor did they look my eyes...

i barely remember my first what called friend.. she was nice.. i think.. even thought our religion was different.. we make a good friend.. and i do trust her that time.. but then i dont know whats went wrong she just disappear in my life.. her goodbye didnt even reach my ear.. and its break my heart... i left alone... then i meet this girl... a tough girl... we were best friend.. but with her syndrome i cant talk about all my problems that hit me..hard.... but thats okay cuz she wa soo nice that i could forget my problems... then she have to move.. her father jobs made her go away from me and i again left alone.... sadness... i wish that i just burst into tear that day.. but no.. my head wont let me.. cuz i know it wasnt her fault.. even theres no farewell...

my heart that was already pale, slowly turn black... but before it did i a new friend... she was a smart, nice, and hyper girl... she was popular in school and she was an athlete.. shes the one who befriend me.. and i.. its surprising that i could accept her that time... and she was nice.. i dont know.. my heart just want to to trust this new person.. so easy... her eyes was so... bright... i could see those trust and the look of friendship that i could never see again... then she meet new friend that i think deserve her than i am... they was happy... and i told my heart to let go of her... and this time i left them together.. while me... it was a mistake.. i should never do such thing... it was my regret.. i should have be with them all the way... i screwed up.... i thought they will be a very good friend without me.. but im wrong....im sorry... i wish i could say it... i wish those word could reach them...

and now.. i was confuse... i dont know who was my friend... i think she could.. but my words cant reach her.. she cant see me, cuz she.. i think.. only want to be seen herself.... im sorry... i couldnt see you too... you always keep everything from me, like i always keep something from you.... i just ... i was too scare to be alone... friends always left me cuz they didnt see all of me..or they dont care about me and my feelings... look what you did now.. this drop of tear......... it will eventually dried and disappearing.... thats why no one can see me with bare eyes...