Conservatives reform prisons prior to their sentencing

In anticipation of an influx of Tory grandees on embezzlement, fraud and sex crimes; the Prime Minister has promised a radical overhaul of his future accommodation. Fear that the room service and onsite equestrian equipage may not be ‘up to scratch’, has prompted David Cameron to demand improvements to the silver and turn-down services, with a focus on better ‘fox hunting facilities.’.

Eton

A Home Office spokeswoman said: ‘As society we have a vested interest in the state of our prisons, particularly if we are going to be sharing a cell with Mad-Dog McGinley. The Prime Minister is rightly concerned that many of his fellow Etonians will struggle in such squalid dormitories. And he has heard that that the holiday provision is dreadful’.

Mr. Cameron has expressed his alarm over growing rates of recidivism and ex-prisoners losing their seat in the House of Lords. While some inmates have attempted to improve literacy levels by smuggling in copies of Hansard; but this has proved all too easy to spot during cavity searches.

Downing Street claimed Mr Cameron will be the first PM to discuss prisons in 20 years, which is incidentally the average length of sentence many of his colleagues can expect. Equally so the cycle of reoffending costs up to £13bn a year, or the equivalent of the annual subprime lending done by the Mr. Cameron’s friends. The spokeswoman said: ‘We need a change. Violent, overcrowded and full of criminals – that’s no way to run a Cabinet’.

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