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Losing Myself...

I want to know what has happened to me. Why I hate this world, the people, my friends, myself… I’m scared of losing myself to the hatred, the jealousy the enmity that’s taken root in me without my knowledge. It’s eating me up, my soul. This hatred….. I can’t find a suitable word for my feeling. I feel lost. I feel lonely.

There was a time when I was carefree, friendly, lovely. Anger was a rarity for me, an impossibility. I lived in a world where I felt beautiful, where my dreams were not just a figment of my imagination but my essence of living, my hope for a better, even lovelier world. Where I met my prince and we lived happily. The happiness emanating from me was so infectious that people couldn’t help but get attracted towards me. I believed in everyone, even those who committed mistakes. There’s hope, I felt. Not everything’s lost. Life can be lived again, rightfully this time.

Then why am I losing myself now? Why am I so mean and cruel and… and…and bad? Why? Why do I find the wrong in everything and everyone? Why does a suggestion or advice given by a friend feel like a taunt, a punishment for my failure? Why do I feel so insecure everytime? As if everyone’s just playing games with me, with my feelings.

I’m become cynical, embittered, suspicious. People, according to me, can only be described in three words – stupidity, meanness, crookedness! Trust, purity of heart, belief in dreams, friendship, love – why do they suddenly not exist? I’m become a monster. I’m become a MISANTHROPE.

The despair flooding through me now is creepy. I feel claustrophobic. I want to run away from myself. I feel like I’m possessed, possessed by the most horrifying, disturbing and self-destroying thoughts which were locked deep, deep down in my head. Which, until now, I didn’t even know existed. It feels as if the lock has been opened and the key is lost. It feels irreversible. Like this thoughts cannot be locked again.

I want to find myself again. The happy me. I want to love again, to hope again, to trust again, to dream again. I want to live again. I don’t ask for altruism. Not the secret to true happiness. I just want to get rid of this hatred, this cynicism. I just want to get rid of this misanthropy….

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That one short moment makes it less devastating. That you're not the only one with problems. You're not the only one fucked up. You are not the only depressed soul. You can see the ghost of the laughter that still hasn't left their mouth before your outburst and it gives you hope, maybe even a little perspective.
Suddenly, the world is a much bigger place and you're a barely-existent dot on that globe. You see the bigger picture. You see that there are much bigger problems. Problems that you would never, ever want to encounter. You see that the person standing in front of you - the person that you've just yelled at - it sp…

Your true journey starts
not when you choose and head towards your destiny
but when someone special crosses your path
and instead of moving on,
you leave everything behind
and follow that person
not worrying,
for once in your life,
about where you're headed
or
what you're leaving behind.
^_^

Life is a
bitch. My only advice to you is run. Run before she catches up with you and
bites you in your bum. If you’ve
read the above lines and agreed (sadly or grudgingly or whatever) you’ve been
bitten already, HARD and it wouldn’t hurt to yell some well chosen curses to
the wind either. Do it now. Let the pain out. Let your folks think you’re out
of your mind. Let someone get offended and yell some profanities back at you.
Let the birds fly away from you in shock. Let your boss fire you for going nuts.
No… no, don’t. I take that back. Go yell in a bathroom or something if you’re
in your office or yell at someone who works under you. Show them that you’re
the boss. Be Hari Sadu from the advertisement for naukri.com if you want to and
as liberating as that may make you feel, make sure the Hari Sadu of your life
doesn’t get to see your performance. *winks* After all he’s the one paying who
is paying you for everything you own down to your underwear, right? You see the
irony here? You c…