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} [Zadoc? This dashboard pine freshener needs replaced...]}} No one has been sure whether tin, aluminum, or even the impentitrable} mesh of a stainless steel collander is better than just plain old} turning up your stereo, supplicant. But we here at Oracle Labs} ("Better things for better living through alchemy...") have tried} various metals over the years with mixed success.}} Aluminum: Supplicant spoke British English, was confused} Steel: Supplicant developed neck strain} Wrought Iron: Supplicant rusted} Tin: Supplicant changed his name to Stan} Plastic: Supplicant got a great redneck haircut with bangs} Lead: Supplicant got lead poisoning} Silver: Supplicant still got goverment messages, but not from werewolves} Lithium: Supplicant felt better about things in general} Sodium: Supplicant sweated, then head exploded}} The only metal that seemed to work was Gold, which he used to bribe} some of our monks to stop testing him (after seeing the results sodium} experiment), and later to bribe the government to change the messages} to one that was more soothing.}} You owe the Oracle a phone call to "The Wolf" to clean up this lab} after that sodium experiment.

} WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) Allen Dewitt, the 2004 National Spelling Bee} champion, was disqualified today when it was discovered that he had} cheated during the final round. He would not have been discovered had} he not gone skinny-dipping in the pool at the hotel where he and his} family were staying during the competition. When Dewitt filed a police} report claiming that his pants had been stolen, officials became} suspicious of his actual spelling skills.}} "We always wondered how he managed to win all the time," said his} mother, Margaret Dewitt of Akron, Ohio. "But he said as long as he wore} his lucky pants, he would keep winning. And he did. At home his} spelling was atroshus... attrocius... um, awful."}} After a brief investigation, includng an interview with Allen, National} Spelling Bee officials stripped him of his title and awarded it to} Jeremy Cox of Nashville, Tennessee. Cox had been the first runner-up.}} "This is completely unexpected," said Cox on learning that he was the} new champion. "But I kinda feel bad for Allen, and hope he finds his} pants soon. That's gotta be embarrassing, running around Washington} with no pants."}} The White House had no comment.

} "Mr Annan, ladies and gentlemen, I have come before you today as a} representative of the United States to present proof, positive proof,} that the object we know as "Pluto" is, in fact, a weapons depository} for the rogue nation of Iran, and to demand that you support US forces} in our attempt to bring democracy to that country by bombing the shit} out of everything but their oil fields.}} "Where are you going? Come back - I haven't finished giving my} presentation yet!}} "Hell. I told Dick they'd never buy it."

> Hello, my name is Charles Lignon Marmituous, and I come from> a slightly different reality, one where Ignatius Donnelly> (among others) did not exist. What I need, O Impressive One,> is an explanation of the Bible, especially the Book of> Laminations. Am I in the right reality for that question?> I understand that you are so extra-specially Omniscient that> you can help me regardless.

} Of course I am. I'm present in all realities. Not that I want to be} present in some of them... *shudder*}} Zadoc will now read from Laminations, Chapter Three, verses one through} six}} And the Lords Of The Universe spake, saying let there be clear plastic} to surround these sheets. And Polymatrix took the gift of the Lords and} saw that it was useful. But, he grew unsatisfied with the mass of} plastic, and took it back to the temple of the Lords, saying "Oh Lords,} thou hast granted me this amorphous lump of plastic... what am I} supposed to do with it now"}} And the Lords did squish Polymatrix to a pulp, and gave the plastic to} his son, Styrene, and onto him they gave a heating lamp. And Styrene} did melt the plastic and coat the sheets with it, and the Lords saw the} protected sheets, and it was good.}} The people of the town then stoned Styrene to death, for laminating all} their toilet paper. And the Lords did laugh}} Here endeth the lesson}} You owe the Oracle a roll of triple-ply extra soft

} * A nice fast techno music starts playing *} * The Oracle dons Kung-Fu suit *} * The Oracle dons hyper cool shades *} * The Oracle performs a series of amazing katas *} * The Oracle expands its chi *} * The Oracle calmly faces the supplicant *} * The Oracle throws a fax at the supplicant *} * The fax throws shurikens made of tax forms at the supplicant*} * The Oracle throws a sax at the supplicant *} * A gigantic motor axle falls and turns the supplicant to red pulp *}} Ha! Didn't expecta that, did ya?}} You owe the Oracla the "Living with Dyslexia" audio book serires.} And a playndrome.

} From one point of view, it is, indeed, true. I could answer your} question with a simple "Yop." and that would surely make you understand} that I, in general, agree with you. Moreover, short electronic messages} make it clear that you're a man of business, not chit-chat, and that} you have lots of things to do; one-liner simply says that you don't} have any time to spend writing email messages. People writing long} emails don't value their time.} Consider, for example, a simple message like "ZOT!". It's short, it's} practical, it makes point and you don't have to waste time delicately} answering somebody's question.} Working as an Internet Oracle I learned a lot about email messages. I} got short questions, long questions, smart questions, funny questions,} rude questions, even questions that aren't questions at all (e.g. they} don't have any '?'s). And I'll tell you one thing: short questions are} better for sure.} Short question needs a short answer (consider T. of Ferma) and that's} good for my health as an Oracle's incarnation.}} I think you've got your answer by reading to this point.}} You owe Oracle a text-compressor.

> Oh mighty oracle, whose infinite greatness is so awe-inspiring> as to cause cranial implosions in small mammals. You have a very> nice operation going on here, lots of supplicants, a good supply> of offerings, plent of priests, it'd be a shame if something were> to, you know, happen. What, you ask? Well, offerings get "lost",> priests get convicted, supplicants catch fire, things happen, but me> and my associate here are offering you a special offer on "insurance"> to insure that nothing nasty happens to anything around here, if you> catch my drift.

} Because his other woodworking tools were securely stowed inside the} ark. Noah was usually pretty careful with his tools, but after dropping} his plane on the elephant deck, he wasn't too worried about saving it.}} You owe the Oracle a coupon for 25% off all Craftsman tools at the} Sears store in Gomorrah.