Madeleine Begun Kane,Humor Columnist, MUSIC HUMOR & SONG PARODIES

I'm a musician (oboist) turned lawyer turned humor writer and I sometimes write song parodies & other music related humor. At last, my undergrad degree in music is coming in handy! I hope you'll enjoy all the music humor columns, limericks, and light verse by Madeleine Begun Kane.

Macaronic Limerick"If you fiddle around while I speak,
Then I’ll trumpet your lousy technique. ..."

Mucked Up Music"Just what is a person to do
When creative ideas are few? ..."

American Idol’s Problem … Crystallized "Another American Idol season has come to a close and, once again, the wrong contestant won. Yes, the nervous guy, Lee DeWyze is the new American Idol, besting beating out the far superior singer, Crystal Bowersox. ..."

Musical Chairs"A symphony cellist named Kate
Shares her stand with a man, once her mate. ..."

Musical Accord "One afternoon your ten-year old daughter comes home from school, enthused about learning to play an instrument. Your eyeballs start to throb. Your head begins to pulsate. You ask yourself whether tin ears are passed down from parents to their children..."

Guide For The Opera Impaired "There will inevitably come a day when some misanthrope, posing as a pal, drags you to The Opera. Don't panic ... unless Richard Wagner composed the opera, in which case playing dead will help you match the mood of the music..."

A Robot Violinist That Plays Better Than Your Kid? (Double Limerick) “I’ve heard some bad violinists in my day … especially back when I substitute-taught elementary school music classes. But amazingly enough, this robot violinist (while lousy, of course) is better than your average fifth grade violin student. ...”

Musical Discord"'Your playing is way out of tune,'
The conductor informed the bassoon. ..."

Liz Cheney's Song (Song Parody to Maria)
"Liz Cheney.
You just can’t avoid Lizzie Cheney.
The former Veep’s to blame.
Their surnames are the same, you see. ...”

An Ode To The American Idol Finalists (Limerick) "Since American Idol is one of the few TV shows I watch regularly, I’d be remiss if I didn’t comment on the finalists and write a limerick for finalists Kris Allen and Adam Lambert: ...”

The Dreaded E-Word (Song Parody) “President Obama recently used the e-word in connection with his yet-to-be-named U.S. Supreme Court nominee, and the Republicans were (or pretended to be) horrified. ...”

Two Dicks (Song Parody) “Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh have been having quite the love fest lately. Of course, they’ve always been in bed together: ...”

Ode To GOP Grovelers (Song Parody to the Mickey Mouse Club Song) “Who’s in charge of the GOP? Based on all the groveling and Limbaugh-tuckus-licking, it’s surely the guy with “talent on loan from God” … even though God foreclosed over a decade ago. ...”

McCain's Bellicose Tune (Song Parody -- Sing to I’m Popeye The Sailor Man)
"I’m tougher than nails, I am.
I stand up for Uncle Sam.
The other guy’s weak,
While I’m still at my peak,
Cuz I’m tougher than nails, I am! ..."

Open Sesame (Limerick)
"Why on earth are CDs packed so tight?
You can’t hear them without a huge fight. ..."

Yet Another American Idol Limerick "As regular readers know, watching American Idol is one of my guilty pleasures. But it sure wasn’t much of a pleasure last week, when mellifluous Melinda was sent packing and Blake wasn’t: ..."

Serenade For The First Sufferers (Song Parody) "I’m betting that Laura Bush can finally say goodbye to her relatively high approval numbers. Why? Because on this morning’s Today Show, Laura said something to Anne Curry that’s way beyond obnoxious. ..."

The Commander Guy Uncensored "George Dubya, our swaggering action-figure president, has dubbed himself 'The Commander Guy.' Okay, that’s absurd enough. But here’s the part you may have missed: ..."

Ode To Judy Carmichael, Stride Pianist "I live in New York City, so my husband Mark and I often catch great musical acts, plays, art shows, and other entertainment and cultural diversions in the Big Apple. ..."

Auld Lang Impeachment -- Song Parody (Sing to "Auld Lang Syne")
"Bush/Cheney's wrongs won't be forgot.
Each one we'll keep in mind.
These evil men must be locked up
For all their many crimes.
They spied on U.S. citizens.
They lied us into war..."

The White House Shakeup Song (Sing to Good King Wenceslas)
"Bolten's cleaning house they claim.
He needs staffers brainy.
Upward polls are Bolten's aim.
Why not start with Cheney? ..."

Ode To Kenny Boy (To be sung to the tune of "Danny Boy")
"Oh Kenny Boy, the jails, the jails are calling,
From state to state, and through the world so wide.
The money's gone, and all the chips are falling,
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and you must hide..."

Faking Contrition - Song Parody (Sing to "Waltzing Matilda")
"Faking contrition.
Faking contrition.
Cheney feels bad that he shot his good friend.
If you don't buy his story, you're a lib'ral Democrat.
Leave him alone. This harassment must end..."

Sparring Over Spare Time "Do you and your spouse argue about how to spend your spare time? Togetherness can be tough to achieve when a couple's interests just don't jibe. But this contract may be just the cure for your spare time blues..."

Ode To Tom DeLay -- Song Parody (to be sung to "To All The Girls I've Loved Before")
"A Rep whose name is Tom DeLay,
He breaks the rules most ev'ry day.
He don't respect the law,
Thinks ethics are a bore..."

Bush and Cheney Horrorland Song Parody (to be sung to "Winter Wonderland")
"People die, for no reason.
People starve, 'tis the season.
A terrible blight,
Each night after night,
In the Bush and Cheney Horrorland..."

Warrior Dub's Anthem -- Song Parody (Sing To "Strangers In The Night")
"Bush didn't pick this fight,
But he shall win it.
We must show our might.
That's how he spins it.
Bush is in the right,
Cause Dubya speaks to God..."

The Filibuster Song (Sing to Alouette)
"Filibuster,
Save the filibuster.
Filibuster,
Save Democracy..."

Who Can Turn The World Off With A Snarl (Song Parody about John Bolton to be sung to the Mary Tyler Moore Show theme song "Love Is All Around")
"Who mistreats his staff? Who's filled with bile?
Who can take a lovely day, and suddenly ruin it with hate so vile? ..."

Singing The Koufax Competition Blues (to be sung to "I've Grown Accustomed To Her Face")
"A Koufax mention would be great.
'T'would almost make the day begin.
A word or two would be a boon.
I'd thank you night and noon..."

The Education President Song (to be sung to "I Write The Songs")
"Bush promised parents that he'd fix our schools.
That he'd make sure their children didn't turn out fools.
But all the teachers got were lots of rules..."

Blog Soireé Song Parody (Sing To Winter Wonderland)
"Michael posed, Julia fêted,
While Elayne, Mike's scar vetted.
A wonderful time,
We had Friday night,
At a Queens, New Yorker's blog soirée..."

Shipping Bush/Cheney Back Home (to be sung to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
"On the Hill, on the dale,
Kerry/Edwards will not fail.
We'll be shipping Bush/Cheney back home..."

Oust George Bush Song Parody (to be sung to "Five Foot Two" a/k/a "Has Anybody Seen My Gal?")
"GOP,
NYC,
It's time to oust them from DC.
Evict George Bush and all his pals..."

Dump Bush Song (to be sung to "Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush")
"We must defeat George W. Bush,
George W. Bush, George W. Bush.
We must defeat George W. Bush.
Vote Kerry this November..."

Unforgivable (to be sung to "Unforgettable")
"I apologize." Bush just won't say,
"I apologize." George Bush? No way!
There's a trail of failures caused by Dub.
He won't say, "I'm sorry." There's the rub.
Never before has someone been more..."

Fact-Free Bush (to be sung to "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain")
"When the facts get in the way you change the facts,
And when facts get in the way, give facts the ax.
When the facts get in the way,
When the facts get in the way,
When the facts get in the way you change the facts..."

Oh, What A Mis'rable Failure (to be sung to "Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'" from "Oklahoma")
"There's a right wingnut based in the White House.
End that right wingnut's stay in the White House.
His lies are piled high as an elephant's eye,
And it looks like they're climbin' clear up to the sky..."

Daily Kos Song A song parody about the right wing attack on the liberal Daily Kos weblog, to be sung to the Mister Ed TV show song.

That's What The Law's About (to be sung to "The Hokey Pokey")
"You have to dot those i's.
You've got to cross those t's.
You have to seem so wise.
You must justify those fees.
And if you're smart and lucky
You will turn your case around.
That's what the law's about..."

The Spinning Song (to be sung to "Spinning Wheel" by David Clayton Thomas -- Blood, Sweat & Tears)
"Down is up. Up is down.
Spinners wield lies that confound.
Claimin' that our troubles really prove: We win!
Spreadin' Bush baloney, Dubya smirks as he spins...."

The Traitorgate Song (to be sung to "I Write The Songs" by Barry Manilow)
"The scandal started with a Niger lie
About nuke matter Saddam never did buy.
But Dubya would not let that falsehood die.
It's Traitorgate, it's Traitorgate..."

The Traitor Tune (to be sung to "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain")
"If you criticize the White House, you're a fool.
Nothing more than an Al Qaeda pal and tool.
If you criticize the White House,
If you criticize the White House,
If you criticize the White House, you're a fool..."

Bushtown Races "The Bush White House is being praised for not gloating over Saddam Hussein's capture. But is Bush really exercising such uncharacteristic self-restraint? Not according to my sources, who claim he's singing a different tune in the privacy of the Oval Office..."

St. Reagan's Song (to be sung to "Just You Wait" from "My Fair Lady")
"He's a saint, Ronald Reagan, he's a saint!
You'll be sorry if you dare to say, he ain't.
A fine bloke who's kind and cunning,
Beat the Russians, great with money.
He's a saint, Ronald Reagan, he's a saint..."

Dubya's Don't Blame Me Song (to be sung to "Good King Wenceslas")
"I didn't do it. Not my fault!
Maybe 'twas some sailor.
Banners ain't my thing at all.
I was with my tailor..."

French Fall Guy Song (to be sung to "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair," from South Pacific)
"Bush wants to wash the French right out of his hair.
Old Europe France does things he simply can't bear.
If only France was out of George Bush's hair.
He'd always get his way..."

The Blackout Song (to be sung to "Just The Way You Are," by Billy Joel)
"Don't go blaming
George Bush for blackouts.
Electric grids are such a bore..."

Spying Days Are Here Again (To be sung to "Happy Days Are Here Again")
"Spying days are here again.
You aren't safe from evil men.
One might even be a real close friend.
Spying days are here again..."

The Fair & Balanced Song Parody (To be sung to the tune of "Love and Marriage")
"Fair and balanced,
Fair and balanced.
Empty slogans, rabid views, and shrill rants.
Fox calls critics liars.
O'Reilly's filled with angst and ire..."

Yellow Bush of Texas (To be sung to "Yellow Rose of Texas")
"There's a yellow Bush in Texas, that's where he loves to be.
Where Dub can dodge the media, evading scrutiny.
He cries so when he leaves there, it nearly breaks his heart..."

Fabulosa Condoleezza (To be sung to "Mona Lisa")
"Condoleezza, Condoleezza, Dub adores you.
You're so fine at saying falsehoods with a smile.
Is it cause you're female, Condi, that they've blamed you
For your fabulosa fakery and guile..."

Bush Says The Words (To be sung to "I Write The Songs")
"I say the words that other people write.
Don't give a damn if they are wrong or right.
As long as folks think war is justified.
I say the words, I say the words..."

Bush Misleads (To be sung to "Let It Be")
"We must drive ourselves in times of trouble.
Mustn't tarry, must be free.
We shall work to oust him. Bush misleads..."

Democrats' Anthem: Election 2004 (To be sung to "Blowin' In The Wind")
"How many wars must a President start
Without any reason at all?
How much ill will must a President cause
Until he at last takes the fall?
How many wars must a President launch
Because he is greedy for oil?
The answer my friend is dump Republicans.
The answer is dump Republicans...."

Christie Whitman Went To Town (To be sung to "Yankee Doodle")
"Christie Whitman went to town
To do George Dubya's bidding.
For power acted like a clown,
Enviro head unfitting.
Those who've smelled New Jersey's stink
Got what they expected..."

Ari, Ari (To be sung to "Monday, Monday")
"Ari, Ari, Please don't leave me.
Ari, Ari, You were all I hoped you would be.
Oh, Ari, Ari, Ari, Ari, please guarantee
Through reelection you will still be here with me..."

"Traitor" Chicks Serenade (To be sung to "Lollipop")
"Call 'em Traitor Dixie Chicks, tell you why,
Insulting Bush besmirches apple pie.
So when they try to sing and play and dance,
Man, they haven't got a chance..."

All I Want Is A New Regime (To be sung to "Wouldn't It Be Loverly" from "My Fair Lady")
"All I want is a new regime,
In the White House a brand new team,
From ear to ear I'd beam,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly..."

Don't Cry For Dick's Halliburton (To be sung to the chorus of "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina")
"Don't cry for Dick's Halliburton.
The truth is he never left you.
All through his Veep days,
His mad existence,
He kept his promise.
He went the distance..."

Bush Don't Need No Demonstrations (To be sung to "Another Brick in the Wall," by Pink Floyd)
"Bush don't need no demonstrations.
He don't need no 'pinion polls.
No dark forecasts of gloom and war doom.
Peaceniks! Leave George Bush alone..."

Old George Dubya's Talkin' (To be sung to "Everybody's Talkin'")
"Old George Dubya's talkin' at me.
I don't buy a word he's sayin'.
Can't bear the echoes of his lies..."

Prez From Old New England (To be sung to "Girl From Ipanema")
"Tall and tan and brash and ornery,
The Prez from old New England goes talking,
And when he rants, yes, the Dems he bashes go -- Bah..."

Class Warfare Song (To be sung to "Moon River")
"Class warfare,
Poverty will swell
If Karl and Dubya get
Their way..."

Bush and Tony (To be sung to the tune of "Love and Marriage")
"Bush and Tony, Bush and Tony
Go together like a cart and pony.
This I tell you brother
You can't have one without the other.
Bush and Tony, Bush and Tony
Always waging war & being phony..."

Wonderbra Song (To be sung to "Miracle of Miracles" from "Fiddler on the Roof")
"Wonder of wonders.
Miracle of miracles.
Wonderbra can make you huge..."

Fristy The Surgeon (To be sung to "Frosty The Snowman" by Nelson & Rollins)
"Fristy the surgeon
Was elected on the phone.
With a White House boost got the Leader post.
Will he throw Trent Lott a bone..."

Secret To Hide (To be sung to "Ticket To Ride" by Lennon/McCartney)
"The nation's gonna be had.
I think it's today, yeah.
That Bush he's driving me mad
With Henry the K..."

The Rantings Of Trent Lott (To be sung to "The Sidewalks Of New York" by Lawlor & Blake)
"Sounding off in DC
From his Senate stoop,
In his right-wing meetings,
Lott leads a scary group..."

When Liberals Rule (To be sung to "Blue Bayou" by Roy Orbison and Joe Melson)
"I feel so bad, I got a worried mind,
I`m so anxious all the time,
Since the Dems were left far behind
And George Bush rules..."

Say Goodbye To Privacy (To be sung to "Say Goodbye to Hollywood" by Billy Joel)
"Bush is drivin' through a bill that strips rights,
Turns your life to an open, guided tour.
It sends your info to a Fed'ral machine.
It's a scene straight from Nineteen-Eight-Four.
Say goodbye to privacy.
Say goodbye to freedom..."

Tommy's Tune (To be sung to "Alfie" by Hal David & Burt Bacharach)
"What's it all about, Tommy?
Why did Dems get such paltry few wins..."

Bush Don't Want No Arms Inspections (To be sung to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones)
"I don't want no arms inspections,
I don't want no arms inspections.
But I lie and I lie and I lie and I lie..."

Irresolution Blues (To be sung to "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter" by Ahlert/Young)
"I had to rubber stamp that Iraq resolution.
And make believe it's right to do.
The GOP is tough to beat.
I'm scared to go down in defeat.
And so I kissed George Bush's bottom.
Please don't think I'm rotten..."

Suin' For The Win (To be sung to "Blowin' In The Wind" by Bob Dylan)
"How many ways can I run unopposed
And still claim that I'm being fair?
How many ways can I get every vote
And land me a Senator's chair?
How many claims can I bring to the courts
Before the election's declared?
The answer my friends is in my lawyers' hands,
The answer is in my lawyers' hands..."

401(k) Ode (Owed) (To be sung to "Toot, Toot, Tootsie, Goodbye" by Kahn, Erdman & Russo)
"Four-Oh-One-Kay, good-bye!
Keeps on dropping, oh my!
Republicans who tell me,
I shouldn't be blue, no words can tell how mad it makes me.
Four-Oh-One-Kay, oh when
Will you rise up again..."

Don't Think Twice, Let's Just Fight (To be sung to "Don't Think Twice" by Bob Dylan)
"Well it ain’t no use to curse and pine and sigh, babe.
If you don't know by now.
And it ain’t no use to miss that other guy, babe.
And the ever rising Dow.
Cause my boosters crow and the weak Dems fawn.
Read any paper. You'll see I've won.
That's the reason I'm warrin' on.
Don't think twice, let's just fight..."

Bush Clears His Brain (To be sung to "The Rain In Spain" from "My Fair Lady" by Lerner & Loewe)
"To clear his brain Bush runs across the plain.
That George he does it.
That George he does it.
He runs because he fears he'll go insane..."

Iraq, Iraq (To be sung to "New York, New York" from "On The Town")
"Iraq, Iraq, I refuse to back down.
Most hawks say yup, but some others just frown.
Hussein belongs in a hole in the ground.
Iraq, Iraq, I refuse to back down..."

War's A Distraction (To be sung to "Anticipation" by Carly Simon)
"We can never know about the days to come.
But we think about them anyway.
And I wonder how we let Bush bring us down.
Why he always gets his damn mean and evil way.
War's a distraction. War's a distraction.
He's feeding us hate.
Iraq he's baiting..."

Weblog Wonderland (To be sung to "Winter Wonderland")
"Bloggers zing, are you list'nin'?
Some are vain, some are bristlin'.
The left and the right
Are happy tonight.
Surfin' in a weblog wonderland..."

On Wall Street (To be sung to "On Broadway")
"They say that things are really bad on Wall Street.
They say there's much malfeasance in the air.
But I don't want to hurt my friends.
And tough laws give my pals the bends.
Then donors drop right off and I'm nowhere..."

Preemption (To be sung to "Tradition" from "Fiddler On The Roof")
"Preemption, preemption! Preemption!
Preemption, preemption! Preemption!
Who, day and night, must run the greatest nation,
Heed the polls and Karl Rove, say his daily prayers?
And who has the right, as U. S. President,
To have the final word on war..."

I Read The News Each Day, Oh Boy (To be sung to the tune of "A Day In The Life" by Lennon/McCartney)
"I read the news each day, oh boy
About a President who got poor grades.
Of course the news is mostly sad
Though one thing made me laugh
The chewing gum photograph..."

Spinmeister (To be sung to the tune of "Matchmaker" from "Fiddler on the Roof")
"Spinmeister, spinmeister, spin me some spin,
Write me a line, win me a win.
Spinmeister, spinmeister, search through your brain
And spin me some 9-1-1 spin..."

Call my Putin Pootie-Poot.
Tell you why.
His soul is sweeter than an apple pie.
But with his tough negotiation stance
Man, I haven't got a chance..."

Ashcroft's Favorite Things (To be sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things")
"Rifles and roscoes and Winch'sters and cannons,
Rich NRA guys who own lots of weapons,
Generous men to whose pockets I cling,
These are a few of my favorite things..."

Five Foot Ten (To be sung to the tune of "Five Foot Two")
"Five foot ten, great at spin,
But oh! she's tougher than most men.
Has anybody seen my gal?
Striking pose, scares my foes,
There's no end to what she knows.
Has anybody seen my gal..."

Hey Hughes (To be sung to the tune of "Hey Jude")
"Hey Hughes, don't leave DC.
Take a sad Bush and make me better.
Remember I need you cause you're so smart,
Then you can start to make me better..."

I'm Dubya The President (To be sung to the tune of "I'm Popeye The Sailor Man")
"I'm Dubya the President.
I've always said what I meant.
When I yell "Stop terror!"
I'm never in error.
I'm Dubya the President..."

Held Up By Music-On-Hold "According to a recent study done by The Institute To Get Press Coverage By Conducting Studies, men's preferred phone-on-hold music is classical. Excuse me? Have you ever seen a man remain on hold long enough to hear more than three notes of anything? How many men do you know who can..."

Dubya's Dream (To be sung to the tune of "Impossible Dream" from "Man From La Mancha")
"To scheme an insidious scheme,
Where every dissenter's my foe,
To act like I share people's sorrow,
To run three fast miles in a row..."

Bush And His Shadow (To be sung to the tune of "Me And My Shadow")
"Bush and his shadow, ruling the United States.
Bush and his shadow, not a word to Dems whose guts he hates.
And when it's time to act, he turns to Blair.
Bush won't share facts with Congress on a dare.
Just Bush and his shadow, all alone and feeling great..."

Old Dick Cheney (To be sung to the tune of "Old MacDonald Had A Farm")
"Old Dick Cheney's hiding stuff, from the GAO.
And when they sued, Dick had a cow, he hates the GAO.
With a lawsuit here and a lawsuit there,
Here a suit, there a suit,
Everywhere a lawsuit.
Old Dick Cheney's hiding stuff, from the GAO..."

Net Radio Blues "It's time for an embarrassing confession: I don't have cable TV or, for that matter, a microwave oven. I'd like to think I compensate by being the proud owner of one laptop and 2 PCs. But that's small comfort when I'm faced with frozen pizza..."

Jump, Jive, & Sweat "You're gonna swing dance in this weather? Are you insane?"
I've been asked that a lot lately, which isn't surprising when you consider this summer's humidity and heat wave. New York City's weather has been so unbearable, that felons have switched from car theft to stealing AC's...

Dubya's Ode To Korean Sunshine (To be sung to the tune of "You Are My Sunshine")
"I praise the sunshine, I root for sunshine,
Tween South Korea and N. K. too.
They'll never know, Dick, how much I'm lying.
Please don't take my war ruse away..."

Romancing The Stoic "We've lost power!" I shrieked, as the lights went out and a Brahms concerto stopped mid-cadenza. "It's okay," my husband Mark said, in a futile attempt to calm me down. For already I was ransacking the house in search of flashlights, candles, matches and batteries. And as usual, I'd hidden them away in a safe and elusive spot.