HUUUUUGE etiquette question please HELP!!!

I understand wanting to celebrate with people who aren't invited to the wedding. We aren't and can't invite everybody you know. I feel like asking people I haven't seen in 2 years to fly to Jamaica would be a bit snobby - they'd probably think i'm spoiled for imagining they'd actually go. I guess because of the locations of things, I wouldn't label the one in Mass as a shower. Just a celebration of you getting married. Then it's like you're having two "AHRs", one near your family and one near his. If it's a reception they shouldn't expect a wedding invite. If they ask, just tell them the wedding is small and personal so that party is for everybody else. If it's labeled as a shower and they are invited they might be watching the mail for a wedding invite (just to have one never show).

My fiance's family is from Canada and mine from Colorado. His parents are throwing us a Jack & Jill/reception in November for everybody in Canada who couldn't go or wasn't invited to the wedding. We're not getting married till Feb. But his family is planning all of this so they're the one who'll have to suffer the repercussions if somebody is offended! Then later in the spring/summer we'll have one in Colorado for my family. It won't matter then since the wedding will be over with.

Anyway, I certainly wouldn't call it a shower (but that's me). Invite the people you want to celebrate with but advertise it as a reception sort of thing. I've gone to receptions before for weddings I wasn't invited (for exactly this situation). They had a small private wedding and then a party later for everybody else. I wasn't offended, just happy I could celebrate with them at all!

First I want to say that this is just my opinion please don't take any offense in anything I say =)

If someone I knew was having a wedding, but didn't invite me to the actual wedding and invited me to their reception, bridal shower, or other bridal functions, I would honestly be a little offended.

I have invited all of my relatives and friends who were apart of my life. I even invited people that I am not that close to anymore simply because I feel it is the right thing to do. Of course not everyone is going to attend the wedding because it is a destination wedding, but they at least deserve the courtesy of receiving an invitation. I will be having an AHR when return from our wedding and honeymoon that everyone who attended and didn't attend our wedding is invited to. Those people may not even show up to that, but it's the thought and the gesture that counts.

If I didn't invite certain relatives and friends to my wedding and only invited them to my reception or other functions, I would in no way expect them to come or even respond to the invite. Don't they deserve the right to have the option to come to my wedding?

I completely understand if you only want immediate family and close friends at your wedding, but this is a once in a lifetime event (or at least should be). You would be surprised at who would want to be apart of this or even who won't. Overall, I think it would be greatly appreciated by everyone to at least receive the invite to your wedding regardless if they show or not.

My MIL threw a shower for me and invited all of their extended family and friends that were not invited to the wedding. No one seemed offended in anyway, they seemed to enjoy coming to the shower and celebrating with me. We have even gotten several wedding gifts from people who were not invited to the wedding. I think most of them didn't take offense because of the fact that we had a DW. That's just what my experience was so I don't see it as an issue.

I completely understand if you only want immediate family and close friends at your wedding, but this is a once in a lifetime event (or at least should be). You would be surprised at who would want to be apart of this or even who won't. Overall, I think it would be greatly appreciated by everyone to at least receive the invite to your wedding regardless if they show or not.

I had this thought originally until I saw that my budget severely limits the amount of people I can host at my DW. So instead of inviting 100+ people to my DW (my original plan) I think I can honestly only invite my closest family and friends up to my max amount. It would be most embarrassing if it turned out that a lot more people showed up than you anticipated and then you had to either break the bank, or worse, un-invite people or even cancel your wedding plans.

I have to go against the grain on this one... I truly believe that it is inappropriate to expect anyone who is not invited to the wedding to be expected to attend other pre-wedding functions, including showers, engagement parties, bachelorette parties, stag and does, etc. (in my opinion, the only exception is an office/work hosted celebration-shower).

This is why you are my girl.

I think it's a little bit tacky. Not a lot, mind you...but a little. I'd be worried about people thinking "So we're not good enough to share in the actual act, but you want our gifts." NOT that that is your logic AT ALL, I'm just saying for me what I'd be worried about. I definitely feel like if it's co-workers or something, yea, thats fine. But I'd have a hard time thinking about how THEY were justifying the invite in their minds.

I think just seperating, ceremony guests from AHR guests is one thing; that is easily justified by keeping the wedding small/just "family". People understand that and think, hey..it is what it is. But to throw in other stuff like showers and bachelorettes and expect them to come with still no invite to the actual ceremony...eeeeh. Not for me.

Theres a good chance that there are very few people, if any, who would think like this. I admit I can be peculiar:)

wow this is a lot to think of... we were thinking of inviting x people to the wedding and y people to the AHR.. this makes me want to invite everyone to mexico...... I totally understand how you might feel slighted by being invited to a shower but not the mexico wedding..

That being said - -Do you think you would you feel offended if you didn't get an invite to the DW, didn't get an invite to the shower, but you did get an invite to the AHR? Personally I wouldn't be but I want to get the general opinion.. I appreciate your thoughts/comments

I agree with Jacilynda if it's co-ed, maybe you should call it something else and if people bring gifts good, if they don't that's should be fine too, and that shouldn't seem inappropriate. I was invited to a shower/co-ed party but not to the wedding and I don't know if it was the brides fault or the shower planners but I thought it was iinappropriate. Now some people didn't bring gifts but that's just not my style, so good luck with whatever you decide.

That being said - -Do you think you would you feel offended if you didn't get an invite to the DW, didn't get an invite to the shower, but you did get an invite to the AHR? Personally I wouldn't be but I want to get the general opinion.. I appreciate your thoughts/comments

I might understand not being invited to the dw but I would still feel slighted receiving the ahr invite but not the dw. I'm planning on doing just the opposite: inviting all my loved ones to the dw (our package is a set price and not pay-per-head) but narrowing down the AHR to primarily closest friends/fam those who couldn't attend the dw.