Best Kiwi Tweets of February 2014

Hello, New Zealand! Can you believe it’s March already? I can’t, and that’s entirely February’s fault. Shame on you, Febbers, for being so short. Not only did March catch me unaware, but if you’d hath’d 31 days like some of the other months, then I could have just filled this wrapup with Oscar tweets.

I jest. February is the official month of Twitter, according to a royal proclamation that I just made up. It’s the shortest month, but the perfect length for the Twitter wit. Let’s get into it!

The fuzzies are warmBecs: Did I tell you I had a fan girl moment the other night when Margaret Atwood replied to one of my tweets? *swoon*beekaynz: I just slipped on wet grass in my jandals to get a photo to make @TroyRF smile so let’s agree Twitter isn’t just for bullies.mikekilpatrick: I’m happy to say I don’t know the Twitter that’s been written about over the last week. But then I don’t follow assholes, so that helps.

Roses are red, violets are… deadPaulTheAmos: Today is the only day you can say “Valentines dinner with my girl tonight” and not sound like a cheap ass.takapunani: Any of you bitches twitpic your bouquets of flowers on #ValentinesDay and I will seriously cut you #stabbyneshySpazophie: Roses are drunk, Violets are drunk, Can we get drunk please, I’m very aloneBridgetRailton: Flatmate has 3rd girl in 3 days over. They’re giggling and stuff on the couch. Tempted to ask her if she was the 1 from sat or sun #bitterKimberleyMat: Husband had good poisoning, therefore Valentine’s Day consists of watching the @BLACKCAPS while @stevendillon & @JoseCoaching talk footballKimberleyMat: #rpt that’s FOOD poisoning, not good poisoning. Nothing good about it

At one with our machinesVickyRF: “Your sister said she used the apps. How do you get an apps?” #MomTweettoryhipster: Giving up marine science to write a dissertation on Flappy Bird as an allegory for the female orgasm #APlusliamdann: Will Whatsapp still be cool with the kids tomorrow after it’s downloaded by the old people (like me) who’d never heard of it until today?brendongreen: Point and Click works for both cameras AND cool guy hellos.AnnaGConnell: Already hate Siri. I asked her to play Beyoncé. She did. But there was no high five or validation of my excellent choices. Useless.farmgeek: That thing where you are clearing space on your phone and it defaults to ticking every app for deletion? Shit.

That’s entertainment!jamaine_ross: Thank God Odd Future isn’t coming anymore. I hate all the things that they do, that all other rappers do tooantsgardiner: I’d like to see a reality show for reality show hosts. It would basically be an 8 episode long dramatic pause.MisterKrister: In the pair’s luge, who drives? The big spoon? #Sochi2014Naly_D: Between the Nines and Eminem could Auckland break the world record for bourbon and coke consumption this weekend?richirvine: Hope everyone’s been working on their ‘I don’t understand the Super Bowl’ jokes. You’ve had 12 months, today’s the day people!

Top Townhonorarykiwi: You know you live in Wellington when you judge how nice a day it was by how often you had to fight the wind for control of your skirt.CateOwen: For a laugh I looked at properties for sale in Auckland in my price range. You know what came up? Carparks.UrzilaCarlson: You can’t beat Wellington on a good day that’s for sure! But today anyone can beat it, a wet fart in your good white pants could beat itPirateBurns: Never mind Auckland’s instructure today, Napier’s crumbling under the crippling weight of Billy Ocean, Ronan Keating, Sporty Spice & a Corr.

Special hugsmanikpixi: Just told Miss 18 and her bf I’m proud of them for saving water by showering together. Glad to see my eco teachings have sunk in.Xenojay: People must hate themselves after they ask me what one of my favourite songs is, and I respond with “I Just Had Sex”annebilek: Ever since the roosters departed, I’ve seen a lot of hen-on-hen stuff going down.jamescardno: Spare particular thought for hotel cleaning staff tomorrow, the day after Valentine’s night.

Take me! Take me now! (Don’t be gross. These are transport tweets.)NickGibb3: Well Professor X, my mutant ability is that I am coolly unaffected by inertia on a bus or train that is stopping. Where are my tights?2TAPU: Guy on Train turned on his Laptop, should have kept Mute on as everyone got to hear what he’d last been watching. Awkward Train Silence.

Our nation’s watercoolerS_a_m_W_a_r_d: Got called a “C**t” multiple times this week – a great success in my line of work.MaryFrances110: Workmates arrive. 30 second courtesy waiting period. Then, “WHO WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT MY MEERKAT ENCOUNTER???” Correct answer: everyone.HayleyHeartbrk: “You know what, maybe I should take a decent profile shot of a newfoundland puppy” – said no stock photographer ever #illustratorproblemsAylon133: Just had a customer yell at me for over a minute, without pause, & never actually told me what we did wrong. I still don’t know why he’s mad

Thanks to our friends at Z Energy, we have $40 worth of vouchers for petrol/coffee/slushies/pies/adult magazines. This month’s winner is @KimberleyMat! Please email your mailing address to [email protected] and she’ll get the good medicine out to you ASAP. No poison here!