Although details have not been finalized, Cubs GM Jim Hendry appears on the verge of signing a new pitcher. Known affectionately as “the Cannon,” this new machine has been developed to take the place of Cubs pitchers at a fraction of the cost. “It’s a no-brainer,” Cubs President Andy MacFail said, “and it’s even made in America!” GM Jim Hendry chimed in next: “This machine can deliver with more accuracy and will give up fewer homeruns than our present starters do.” Although the Cannon can throw tirelessly, it is reported that it needs constant attention from the equipment manager and it has an insatiable thirst for power. It is also unable to cover first and cannot hold baserunners.

Dusty reacted positively to the news, noting that it made double switches easier and also eliminated the tiresome work of keeping up with pitch counts. “It’s just like having a healthy Glendon,” Dusty was reported as saying. Neifi Perez chimed in next: “What’s good for Dusty is good for the team. So I’m all for it.”

In unrelated news, the Cubs signed Notre Dame receiver Jeff Samardzija to a 5 year, $7.5M contract. Apparently the deal is predicated upon his choosing baseball over football. Samardzija will report to short-season Boise, but his future with the Cubs will depend on whether or not he plays injury-free for Notre Dame this year and how well he does in the NFL draft. Also, Bob Brenly was quoted today as saying that “the Cubs have earned their spot in the standings.” Can’t says I disagree with him.