Hello, hello! Welcome back to another edition of Coffin Rock: Untold. Last time, an OC named Aaron told Kate, Humphrey and Garth not to go to Idaho and to instead go to Maryland. That’s it. That’s the plot of chapter one.

Last week…last year, I reviewed a terrifyingly boring creepypasta about Dragon Tales. It seemed to do fine on the Library, so this got me to thinking…is there another bad creepypasta based off a children’s show that made a few adults want to gouge their eyes out?

Lucky for all of us, there is. And it is based on…*pause for effect, even though you’ve all already read the title card* Alpha and Omega. And it’s a creepypasta about…*pause for effect, even though you’ve all already read the title card* The Blair Witch Project. Why? Who knows. Is it scary? Who knows. Is this author on crack? Who knows.

Before I get to this fic, I figured I might as well explain the premises of each movie.

The Blair Witch Project follows three aspiring filmmakers who find out there’s a thing called the Blair Witch in a forest near a town that used to be called Blair, now known as Burkittsville. They figure it’s a good idea to go into these woods and make a documentary on this terrifying being that they know for a fact exists and have tortured people before, because that’s a thing people do. It is one of my very favorite movies, and it has been referred to by at least one person as one of the worst films of 1999. So. There’s that.

Cain: Glynda was going to join, but I vetoed that. I’m pretty sure the fic would’ve given her an aneurism.

Ghostie: Or someone :glares at Syl: would try to get her into trouble.

Cain: Well, that too. I was trying to be polite. It’s probably a waste of effort with Syl, though.

Syl: I’ll have you know those were nothing but baseless rumors and accusations.

*An end-table appears, followed by a datapad appearing on top of it, sitting perfectly upright in a blatant defiance of the laws of physics*

Goddess: And we all know that “baseless” can never be used to accurately describe you. *Waves to Cain* Hello, lovely!

Syl: Hey-ya, dimples!

Ghostie: Although “topless” can be used far too often to describe Syl.

Syl: Hey, if I’m doing my laundry I might as well do all of it.

Cain: Goddess. You do know we’re fighting a shadow war against each other, right?

Agent [GREY]: Well, that’s no reason to be impolite, is it?

Cain: Yes, it is.

Goddess: No, it isn’t. Besides, wars are boring.

Syl: He’s so rude. Do you know he sealed me in a force-field once? And then shot me at the event horizon of a black hole. I got a bruise on my bum. Anyone want to see?

Cain: And I’ll happily replicate that feat if you take your clothes off.

Ghostie: :hoses Syl down with tea: We’re starting the chapter soon, right? If you two start sniping at each other, we’ll be here all day.

Cain: Right now, in fact. Agent [GREY], normally I wouldn’t send you away in the middle of the riff, but I need you to work on tracking Goddess. It probably won’t matter, but I’d like to at least pretend we’re taking this conflict seriously.

*Agent [GREY] nods and turns into tea, disappearing. Most of the tea ends up splashing Syl upon falling to the ground, the rest disappearing*

Syl: :wrings out hat: For future reference, it is polite to at least buy a girl dinner before splashing her with your fluids.

Goddess: I can’t really give you a proper high-five from here in my secret base all the way in no-way-I’m-telling-you-land, so just pretend I’m giving you one.

I’m back with another fic written by the same author who penned last week’s rise of the Xenoponies!

But never fear – it’s not another Aliens/MLP:FiM crossover. It’s a Dead Space/Slender: The Eight Pages crossover!

Well … Kinda. It’s listed as Dead Space/Slender crossover, but according to the summary it’s actually based on another indie horror game called Slender Space that came out back in 2013. From what I can tell Slender Space is essentially just Slender in space, with the player avoiding Slendy while collecting power nodes rather than pages. (And it’s pretty fun, even though I tend to panic and die often.) But I think the author completely missed the point of the Slender Man games.

Let me show you the summary, such as it is.

watched slenderspace commercial, decided i could play the game MY WAY, with blackjack and hookers…loljk with a gun and an actual rig and a better point than collecting shit and escaping. more deadspace in this than slender. but slendy still replaces the necromorphs

So instead of using the protagonist’s vulnerability to create dramatic tension and an increasing sense of terror, this author is going to be equipping their protagonist with high-tech armor and weaponry. They are also going to ignore the standard “struggle to survive while completing tasks” formula found in these games and probably just blast Slendy into fragments.

Haven’t even started the fic and I can already tell there’s going to be a massive Stu.