tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2919631102243889689.post4060406613248501200..comments2017-12-13T15:11:34.246-05:00Comments on Mothers in Medicine: Coming Home...KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02114277144629595998noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2919631102243889689.post-16593631960003861772010-05-02T09:05:22.966-04:002010-05-02T09:05:22.966-04:00Anonymous 9:29 stated that we, as women, can&#39;t...Anonymous 9:29 stated that we, as women, can&#39;t have it all.<br /><br />I agree, whole heartidly, but I entered my 30&#39;s thinking that it could be done. <br /><br />I&#39;m in my mid 40&#39;s now and am well aware of the fact that we can&#39;t. <br /><br />My best friend, in her early 30&#39;s is insistant that we can. <br /><br />I&#39;m in a Women&#39;s Studies class (awesome class!) and this has been the topic more often than I would have thought. (almost every class!) There is a sharp divide between younger women and middle aged women in their idea of &#39;having it all&#39;. <br /><br />At what point do we become aware of this ...and how do we educate the upcoming generation of women so that they don&#39;t have the expectations/pressure of &#39;having it all&#39;?Dreaming againhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15717590226520457326noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2919631102243889689.post-21319840027489809612010-04-29T23:22:53.538-04:002010-04-29T23:22:53.538-04:00No matter if you are a SAHM that needs a few days ...No matter if you are a SAHM that needs a few days away from the kids, or a MiM that wants some good CME, these issues always come up, and as a mother, I can totally relate to Artemis.<br /><br />I&#39;m going through a divorce, so I feel like any comment about my spouse&#39;s shortcomings while I have been away (once a year for about a week - lately CME but during residency/fellowship it was about presenting research) would be tacky, self-serving, and pointless. So I won&#39;t go there right now, because he is doing a great job of being a parent to the kids during our divorce, and he loves the kids. I&#39;ve gotta admire that, and support the hell out of it, for my kids and the guy I spent the last almost 13 years of my life with.<br /><br />Having said that, it is so tough to relinquish our superior estrogen organizational skills and let things slide. As much as I hate to do it, and cringe while I watch it happening, it really is good for the kids to bounce off someone who does things differently. I see that when I am away, and I see the kids grow and change, usually for the better, when I let go of my control freak.<br /><br />This is a great talking point, Artemis! Looking forward to more on this subject in the future. Parenting does take teamwork, whether you are in a relationship with your spouse or not. My kid&#39;s dad and I work daily through texts to make sure our kids are doing well - sometimes I think even better than when we were together.<br /><br />Love the chocolate cupcakes. You have a great husband!Gizabeth Shyderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06730800855783255834noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2919631102243889689.post-48668903811573833362010-04-29T22:14:53.500-04:002010-04-29T22:14:53.500-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.bekkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16506700517204045877noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2919631102243889689.post-81060707892105453852010-04-29T22:14:53.499-04:002010-04-29T22:14:53.499-04:00Hey guys,
This conversation needs to be had more ...Hey guys,<br /><br />This conversation needs to be had more often and I look forward to a post on it, Particularly for women in medicine. <br />I am a mum of 2, wife and doctor. I &quot;don&#39;t carry well&quot; as my Aunty says and 3 years ago when I got pregnant in my final year of medical school life changed hugely and my husband and I are still working on making it all work.<br /><br />Pregnancy taught me about putting away my super woman cape. My husband took care of me (as we moved interstate and travelled overseas) and then we became parents.<br />We had always wanted to be a team, the hope is that we will both work 3 days a week, use some outside childcare and have lots of time together. <br />Society does not recognise fathers as totally capable and it takes a lot to totally let go of the the expectation that as a woman you will run the house. <br />I have copped judgement from family and stay-at-home mum friends that I musn&#39;t be as good a a mother if I go to work and judgement at work that I am not dedicated to medicine, or that I am soft because 70 hour working weeks upset me. <br /><br />3 year in and I have got to a happy place, I breastfed my daughter til 20 months despite internship and crazy hours, <br />We have a great relationship and she is such a lovely well rounded girl because she has many influences in her life. Yesterday she climbed to the top of a rope climb in the park which would be meant for 5+, that is because her Dad lets her climb, SHe talks a lot because I have a lot of words. <br />We are happy, Both of us can do all aspects of parenting (apart from breast feeding) <br />I am a happy doctor because I have a rich homelife and support. <br />My husband doesn&#39;t do the housework the way I would, and I have had to work on letting it go, <br /><br />People often comment I must be superwoman to do what I do, but the truth is I am part of a great team. There is no way I could do it without my husband. But many women let their husbands &quot;babysit&quot; their kids with a list of what to do. <br /><br />It is complex but relationships and parents that are a team are a solid unit that can handle so much more I think! <br /><br />Sorry about the rambly nature, my 7 week old has a cold and sleep is hard to come by. But great to see these things discussed <br /><br />http://blog.equallysharedparenting.com/ This blog talks about these issues a lot and has given me a lot of food for thought.bekkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16506700517204045877noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2919631102243889689.post-50831260149382730372010-04-29T21:39:58.055-04:002010-04-29T21:39:58.055-04:00I&#39;ll share my perspective as a mom who is in m...I&#39;ll share my perspective as a mom who is in medical school with kids. I have had to make some drastic changes in my life - not just for my sanity, but for everyone involved. I can&#39;t live up to the standards of my stay at home mom/friends. I can&#39;t live up to my own pre-medical school standards. It is not realistic, and it is not healthy. I don&#39;t think it is about micromanaging (for me anyways), it is about letting go unrealistic expectations. And reprioritizing. <br /><br />Women can&#39;t have it all - the problem is we want it all. Men who worked outside the home couldn&#39;t do it either if they didn&#39;t have a supportive spouse. So why should we think it is any different for us? I can choose to be at the top of my class, or spend time with my kids - I can&#39;t have it all(maybe I&#39;m just not smart enough). I have made my peace(most of the time) with this. I am a good mom, and I&#39;ll be a good doctor. I may not be chair of a department one day, but that is a choice I am making. I am reprioritizing my life, not letting unrealistic expectations rule my life.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2919631102243889689.post-14590257689509913992010-04-29T18:26:10.734-04:002010-04-29T18:26:10.734-04:00Advice to Anonymous 4:03 - do NOT micromanage your...Advice to Anonymous 4:03 - do NOT micromanage your home. Give your husband a LOT of responsibility when the children come. We have quite a few children and we can both manage it all. Truthfully - he manages more than me now because I am not as used to being around them as much as he is, but when I was in school and he was working full time, I managed better than him. But, we BOTH can do everything. I think it is actually harder for the other parent to step in when you are only gone for a short while. The thoughts of &quot;she&#39;ll/he&#39;ll be back soon enough&quot; permeate through the at home spouse&#39;s mind. If you take a longer trip, the at home spouse is more prepared to take over the responsibilities.<br /><br />OK - I will get off my soap box now - but anon 4:03 brought up a point that gets me going. Our husbands are perfectly capable human beings. We are not bad mothers if we allow them to run the house. Sorry - there I go again. Off my soap box now, I promise.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2919631102243889689.post-51106792576482098462010-04-29T17:08:45.281-04:002010-04-29T17:08:45.281-04:00I avoided every conference during residency for th...I avoided every conference during residency for this reason. I finally had to go to a conference this year that was a four hour plane ride away. Flew in Thursday morning, attended conference, flew back Friday night. That was the longest I could bear to be away.<br /><br />I&#39;m scared about getting CMEs though. Next year is the first year I have to start thinking about that stuff. How the hell do you get enough of them? Am I forced to travel?Fizzyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11989684741783903947noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2919631102243889689.post-91634556517297125072010-04-29T16:46:29.358-04:002010-04-29T16:46:29.358-04:00Hey Anonymous - great observation, and I&#39;d lik...Hey Anonymous - great observation, and I&#39;d like to address it in detail down the road. In fact, I think it deserves a post of its own, not just a comment here. <br /><br />Thanks!<br />AArtemishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15321501062140234923noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2919631102243889689.post-76392685586607809622010-04-29T16:03:57.178-04:002010-04-29T16:03:57.178-04:00So I&#39;m a non-traditional, married pre-med stud...So I&#39;m a non-traditional, married pre-med student. Not yet a mother, not yet a doctor, but a woman. And that is the aspect of the post I want to address. It reminds me of a trait that I share, I fear and, to some extent, I rely on - a certain amount of control freakishness that I conflate with successful womanhood.<br /><br />And I don&#39;t mean this to be a rude response to your post because I admire you, Artemis, at least via the internet. And also of course because I admit to sharing this trait. If anything I detect a note of good humor, though mixed with frustration, in your response to things coming somewhat unraveled in your absence. But the other thing I am reading is this sense that things would not have been so had you been home - which is likely the truth.<br /><br />I guess I&#39;d be curious for you - or anyone else - to respond to a general question. How do women manage to be ambitious do-it-all types without also creating a family (and also often a work life) that is non functional without us, without us having to be crazy control types to keep it all together? Are we micro-managers that create the mayhem that exists in our absence? Or perhaps we are really just doing what is necessary to keep our households going - and we are needed. Is there another response I can&#39;t anticipate here?<br /><br />Or perhaps you would disagree with my premise. Perhaps you would tell me that your husband could come up with a similar list of mishaps that he comes home to after a brief trip. <br /><br />Another foreseeable response - I&#39;m not a mother, so perhaps I don&#39;t get it. Perhaps there is an extent to which shared parental/home duties never make up for the amount of mental space women make for their families and for keeping on top of their family members&#39; to-do list.<br /><br />So this was somewhat stream of consciousness. But I am curious how you doctor moms would respond to my question/observation. Even if it is to somehow put me in place. I haven&#39;t done it all, as you all have. Let me know how it&#39;s done.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2919631102243889689.post-33765253382245584912010-04-29T15:20:43.138-04:002010-04-29T15:20:43.138-04:00It is always something, isn&#39;t it?!It is always something, isn&#39;t it?!Kylahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03311014761113076785noreply@blogger.com