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I had to fart once, and I was on an elevator. I did that little ab crunch you do to sort of, I don't know, move it along, I suppose, and RIGHT before it ripped, the doors opened and a half dozen people got on.

At this point, the only thing holding that fart in was force of will and the fact that I have unusually strong buttocks. I had my head tilted back, cords standing out on my neck, tears in my eyes, and I was counting down in my head until we'd hit my floor.

Elevator got stuck. I didn't know if we'd be stuck five minutes or five hours, but it did NOT matter. I couldn't hold it another second. We had JUST jerked to a stop, and all the chit chat stopped abruptly as everyone was wondering what was up.

And then, it erupted like a supernova out of my ass. In Sunday School they'd talked about how at the End of Days the angels would blow their trumpets, and God would descend from on high as the sound echoed through the world.

This was louder. By far. Like a shotgun right next to your ear. It actually rocked my body forward as it erupted from me. There was no way to deny it was me as it seemed to actually propel me across the elevator.

Then more silence. Silence, and judgmental stares. I have never felt so hated in all my life. Just utter disgust on every face, contempt for my very existence, it seemed.

Then the elevator started. To this day, I'm fairly sure it was the sheer explosive power of that fart that shot the elevator back into motion.

I honestly couldn't tell you, my friend. Everyone on that elevator was shocked as hell. This was the loudest sound that has ever, or will ever come out of my body. This wasn't even in the realm of a normal fart. It was more like a rectal Big Bang, I suppose.

Point is, everyone was terribly utterly shocked. Before I could really recover, we got to my floor, the doors opened, and I casually strolled out with my best "nothing going on here" face on. I'm not entirely sure, but I may have even said "good day" to a woman on my way out. Point is, if I did leave behind some ungodly stank in there, I thank God even to this day I didn't have to stick around and marinate in it like the rest of those poor folks.

One time, I was in an elevator at a courthouse. I was on the top floor (like, 8-9 stories high) and got into the elevator solo. As soon as the doors closed, I let out an ear-splitting fart.

It was one of the ones that for some reason, doesn't begin to manifest it's stink for a good few seconds. In those seconds, the elevator dropped a floor and a woman and her young son got aboard. As SOON as the doors closed it began to reek like Satan himself had a beer shit. The lady smacks her kid across the head and chastised him for "ripping ass in public" as she put it.

Aged 13, at school. Sitting on a hard plastic chair. Felt one brewing. I was waiting for the room to get noisy because it was bound to happen in French: the kids ran riot.

A loud spell ensued. I prepared to release the beast. A perfect plan.

Then something unexpected happened. The quiet, meek teacher that the other kids used to torture (I was a swot and a good boy) went ballistic. She started shouting and telling the kids off. They were shocked into silence.

The teacher berated the class for a while, as I fought the beast one-on-one in mortal combat. It was straining at the leash, but the teacher showed no signs of relenting.

Gradually the beast began to overpower me. The teacher had singled out the main troublemaker in class and was remonstrating directly to him.

With a final flourish, the teacher ended her rant with: "and WHAT have you got to say about THAT?"

With a timing so perfect it would be predictable in any farce, the beast wriggled free of my clenched cheeks, providing a flourish of its own, which rippled loudly around the stunned and silent classroom.

As the echoes died away, the shocked silence turned to one of awe. My classmates were confronted at last by my failure in the silent struggle to protect them. The size of the beast cowed them momentarily, before they totally lost their shit and fell about laughing.

I was summarily ordered from the room to stand in shame outside, whilst the beast wrecked havoc on the nasal passages of the victims who remained trapped inside with it.

Very near the end of an AP English Literature free response essay. This fart was unlike any other. It made an almost perfect POOOT. I have relative pitch and can still sing you the note that fart struck. At the time I was one of about 5 people finished early. Immediately afterward I distinctly heard the sound of twenty pencil come to a screeching halt. I say I heard it because I had been asleep. Actually, the fart was what woke me in the first place. And I knew in that first moment of dawning comprehension that I had two immediate choices. Open my eyes or pretend I was still sleeping. Unfortunately I chose the latter. I let loose an immaculate once in a lifetime singing fart that rang out in beauty and grace, and pretended to keep on sleepin' on. I don't remember ever feeling more embarassed in my life. I'm a girl.

During my time in private elementary school, for one week every year, we had to take a standardized test that tested your aptitude in all kinds of things and was considered serious business. No less than two years in a row, I farted during those tests. I think that when I get anxious I get gassy.

In any case, these farts were Not silent but deadlies that I could get away with. Noooooo. These were long, loud, shhhhhhmmmmpppt sounding motherfuckers that sounded like they ended in a question. Which on both occasions, caused the whole room to burst out in laughter, to the point where the teacher was trying to scold us and quiet us down while trying to stifle her own laughter.

Not really unexpected or inappropriate, but when we were kids my sister and I did fart circles.

Imagine that a fart is made of invisible browny-purple marsh gas that trails out of your butt.

Yes. Invisible AND with colour. We were kids. We read about Narnia. These things seem logical.

Stand by your victim. Release. Start running. If you complete a circle, your victim is now trapped in a perfect ring of fart gas. If they move, they move into it. If they stand still, it on contracts on them anyway.

A perfect and dastardly plot.

Needless to say, people were very confused to see children running in very bizarre patterns as we tried to complete or evade the enclosure.

Obviously we carried this on into adulthood.

My step-daughter returned from visiting her dad once, with a big grin on her face, and proclaimed: "I trapped daddy in a fart circle."

I understand how those ancient Christian missionaries felt, watching the Britons building their first primitive churches.

Worst fart I've ever heard was during the ACT test. As you know, during the act test it's important to have concentration levels at the max.

This became pretty difficult when my desk neighbor started loudly farting. In fact, loudly doesn't do the word justice, it was like a fucking foghorn. It was the single longest, most perfectly drawn out fart I've ever heard. Everybody started sniggering and even the proctor raised an eyebrow.

In the middle of class once, a class full of the snooty girls that I was trying hard to impress at the time. I thought it would be a silent one but it came out with a toot that was audible over the silent work we were supposed to be doing in class.

Everyone, including the semi-attractive teacher, stared at me while I mumbled something about it being the chair, but no one believed me.

Then, a girl who I always thought was annoying suddenly spoke up. "Guys, calm down, it's the chair." Everyone nodded and went back to their work.

Here's the story behind my most epic and well-remembered fart. I was in 6th grade. It was time for PE so our class went in the school gym.

The layout of the gym is as following (essential to describe the epic-ness of the toot): The entrance hall of the gym building was a square room with a door on each wall. There is an exit, of course; on the opposite side of the room there's the door that leads to the indoor tennis/volleyball/handball field; to the left there's the door to the "boy side" and to the right, there's the door to the "girl side". Entering the boy side, there's a long corridor along the bath/shower room which leads to the boy locker room.

So me and the boys go in the locker room and change. Me and 4 of my best friends take our sweet-ass time and end up alone in the locker room. Suddenly, I feel this familiar bubbling in my guts. It slowly crawls from beneath my chest, to my left side, creeping ever slowly down and bulges in my inner-sphincter. She was-a-ready.

So I creep up to my one of my best buddies and grab his t-shirt sleeve. "Hey, dude! There's a rip in your shirt..."

"Where?" he asks.

I slowly pull his sleeve down and let her rip. By golly it was fucking loud. My chubby butt cheeks slapped against each other like demented walruses. The room echoed like a fucking desolated cave. After four seconds of sheer ass-quaking, the Kraken stops.

My friends are dumbfounded. Sure, it wasn't the first time I let loose in their proximity but this was something else.

Suddenly I hear a distant door open. The teacher opened the door from the kid-packed gymnasium, opened the door to the boy-zone hallway, opened the door to the locker room (us kids watching him treading frightened, opening each windowed door) and steps inside peering worriedly around. "Did anyone get hurt?" he asks. "I heard a loud noise and I though one of you fell or something. Guess you're OK. Get dressed and come warm-up!"

We shook our heads and waited for him to go through all the doors and back in the gym hall. Then we burst out laughing like the demented fucks we were.

I swear. To this day, the friend with the sleeve still recounts the noise and the vibrations it caused through his work-out shorts.

TL;DR: I farted. There was no smell. Only sound. Enough sound to alarm a teacher through three sets of fucking doors and a gymnasium filled with screaming 6th graders.

Not me, but my then girlfriend. She was laying on her back, and I was going down on her. The laying down part is very important, as the mattress and her arse created a little wind tunnel that concentrated the fart and fired it straight in my face. She creases up laughing whilst I'm choking.

I usually have to stay in my seat, since the ones I let go are going straight into the cushion for hours on end. I'm terrified to get up, but I also imagine them trapped in there, like the Ghostbusters trap, until the next passenger sits down and releases them.

Oh god reminds me of the 8 hour flight I had from London to Boston years back. They served some omelet with veggies right after takeoff that I ate half of. An hour or so later I was letting them rip every 20 minutes or so for the rest of the flight. My girlfriend sitting next to me at the time was horrified. I tried to hold it but it just plain hurt, and it was loud enough that you couldn't hear the thunder coming from my ass. The poor bastard on the other side of me ate the same thing and vanished into the bathroom for a half hour.

My dad used to tell a story about how once in his high school locker room he had a terrible stomach pain and let out a silent fart that within a few seconds had everyone gagging. He said a friend of his who hadn't washed his socks all year was holding them over his nose while trying to run out of there. A few days later he was sitting in with his mother in a jewelry making class and had the same stomach pain, and decided to let go another silent killer, except that time it came out like a thunderbolt.

He didn't shit his pants (that time), but he was sitting next to (in his words) "a hoity-toity society lady" and he thought it would be funny once he let one slip to blame it on her. Instead it sounded like someone trying to start a chainsaw, and my dad just got up and quietly left the room. I'm sure my grandmother was far more embarrassed than he.

So my mom took me out of school and I went with her to her eye doctor. I was pretty gassy most of the day but apparently my bowels had something in store for my mom, known for being a troll mom and locking the car windows when she ripped ass.

She has to sit with her eyes in this machine for 15 minutes or so, so the doctor leaves the room, and it's just me and my mom. My ass is ready to fire at will. So I lean cheek and let a couple SBDs out. Then, all of a sudden, my ass is a tuba. I let out a long low but loud one. This smells like eggs, beans, and ass. My mom, on the other side of the room catches wind and GETS PISSED because this is a slow crawling lingerer. It didn't go away for like 10 minutes, and my mom tells me I am in deep shit and wait until we get home.

The appointment ends and she keeps up the act - just yelling at me and telling me I'm in for it when we get home. I'm crying my eyes out, scared for my life.

We get home, my mom SCREAMS at me to get in the bathroom and drop trou. I'm bawling like I am gonna get my ass paddled like none other. She then, trying her hardest to not lose her shit, tells me to wipe my ass. I stop crying and look at her like she's crazy. She reiterates that I have to do this. So I wipe.

The last thing I heard from her before she went into a giggling fit was to tell me to smell the TP. In her giggling fit, she tells me "BRESSLOL, THAT IS THE TORTURE I HAD TO ENDURE WHILE SITTING IN FRONT OF THAT MACHINE. MAYBE YOU'LL THINK ABOUT THAT NEXT TIME YOU DROP ASS IN PUBLIC."

She now loves telling this story as a way to embarrass the shit out of me.

Once at the GP with my family getting an inoculation before holidays. Farted so long and loud a kid outside in the waiting room heard and started giggling, triggering my brother to laugh so hard he farted. My mum and sister tried to apologise, and young male doctor just sat there in stunned silence, with this weird strained face like he was battling classic fart comedy against profesional conduct. I found the entire situation too funny to loud, burst out laughing after a few moments silence and fart again, so I just got up and left them to wollow in my musty scent of victory.

Once during Christmas here in the Midwest, it was about negative 10 outside, and my wife and two kids and I were happily putting up the (fake) tree and decorations, when I felt a silent, hot one trying to work it's way out.

So I obliged, and it managed to be the most sulfurous, tear inducing fart I'd ever produced up to that point in time. It was almost as if I could see it's path as it traveled to each individual, as I watched it hit them, then try to dismiss it as not possible, then watch the horror as they looked at me trying to hold back laughter and realize that indeed, they had just been punched square in the olfactory nerve.

My wife chose to stand outside in the 10 below cold until the smell dissipated. She was actually so physically hot from the experience, that she stood out there for about 10 minutes without a coat.

Every year now that the tree goes up, my son retells the whole story. It's become part of the lore of Christmas in our household.

I have a friend, lets call him Heerod. Heerod was the guy that was hilarious, but only to the guys. He was cool, but only to the guys. He was like a plague to women and this is why.

It was a middle school classroom in study hall period, we were dicking around and Heerod gives us an inkling that this day will soon be immortalized. He said "that was a hot one."

After a couple of seconds the smell hit me, it was noxious. It made you cough. It made your eyes tear up. It was bad. When the smell wafted its way to the teachers nose all hell broke loose. She made the class evacuate the classroom, because she thought that their was dangerous chemicals in the room.

Through all of this Heerod was chuckling to himself unfazed by the smell. When the teacher discovered someone wasn't trying to gas the school, but that Heerod simply sent tear gas through his ass, she exclaimed "NASTY TOWN HEEROD." She said this loud enough that the teacher next door knew something was up and came outside to investigate the commotion.

The Teachers then rounded up all the febreeze in the school and led a task force into ground zero. It took several minutes for the smell to go away, but the smell is burned into every persons nose within a five mile radius. Heerod was known as the kid that farted the rest of middle and highschool.

Back in 7th grade I was fairly new to the school I was attending, which really didn't contribute any to me having friends. Through sheer serendipity I was invited to a birthday party of one of the more popular kids.

We spent all day eating tacos and enjoying youth.Towards the end of the party was when I felt the herald of my future resentment of tacos awaken. It was as if Poseidon and Hades were at war deep within the depths of my bowels.

I quickly became frantic as I realized this situation would be the bane of my social life, but at that point it was too late. My friends mom pushed us all together for a group picture, and being in a rush...made the biggest mistake of her life. She pushed directly on my stomach with a group of people standing directly within my margin of fire.

Simultaneous with the push, was the release. The release of the most foul, horrific, and heinous gases that could possibly spew from an ass. The gas was borderline liquid and the responses were immediate. The first kid erupted like mount Fuji in its prime, and I mean puke EVERYWHERE, and as you know every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Well in this case that reaction was triggering a puke bukkake with my still best friend's mother featured as the main actress. I personally didn't think the smell of rotted corpses and smegma was that bad, but apparently I was wrong.

Way back in my childhood, the days when I was dragged to church every Sunday, I usually sat sandwiched between my parents.

Well this particular fart came on a Sunday during the pastor's sermon. Completely silent and unbeknownst to my victims, I passed my deadly friend to the outside world, awaiting the draft that would carry it to the soon-to-be inflamed nostrils of innocent old folk around me.

Thankfully, I was young enough to be assumed totally innocent. Once people had started discovering my wretched treat, all the blame and disgust in the surrounding eyes were directed at my dad.

He turned insanely red and sank down a bit in his seat, as he had no escape. We were dead in the heart of our pew, and surely he couldn't cause more of a scene by attempting escape. Thus he was forced to wait it out, myself sitting there proud as can be.

I could feel his glare though, only he and I knew who the real culprit was, I knew my victory would be short lived.

Needless to say, I experienced the true wrath of God later that afternoon.

On the train home from a night of drinking a guy friend of mine, who is known to have particularly potent farts, suddenly tells us he just let one loose.

We all cover our noses in anticipation but didn't notice a man seated a few rows back. Suddenly he starts coughing and dry-retching and runs from the carriage. We sat in disbelief for about ten seconds before erupting into side splitting laughter.

I was at a Steve Aoki concert having a pretty stellar time jumping around and such. He must have hit the brown note because at some point because my sphincter just decided to open the flood gates, and I sharted. No tummy gurgles or warning of any kind ... just immediate shart. I, in my drunken state, decide it's no big deal, so I jump around some more for a while and try to enjoy the concert.

Not the best idea. Had to head back to the porta potties with a warm inner thigh, and of course, I choose the one that doesn't have any toilet paper. RIP, favorite boxers.

My mother, God rest her soul, had a GREAT sense of humor. That is prologue. We played the "Safety" game as kids. The game is you fart, and have to yell out "SAFETY" or you get pummeled. We are riding in the van, and smell a BAD one. Like the lake monster had dredged up something nasty , ate it, and regretted it. We are all looking around to decide whom to pounce on, when my mother, with the biggest grin in her face turns around from the front set, and quietly says "Safety".

I don't eat red meat, very very rarely will I eat red meat. Because of this, my body isn't used to breaking down those types of proteins and it can cause some really bad farts. :(

I was in a friends wedding a few years back and they had breakfast catered for the wedding party the morning of the wedding. Of course, turkey bacon was not on the buffet so I helped myself to a few pieces of regular bacon, thinking "No big deal, it'll be fine."

WRONG

I walked across the reception hall to a secluded corner to let out a little silent toot after the wedding. Within minutes the entire hall smelled like a fart. My friend's husbands were shocked, horrified, and jealous. It's been almost 4 years, and every once in a while, someone will still bring up "The Wedding Fart".

EDIT: Also, once, in middle school, I leaned over to the side of my desk to get my backpack and one slipped out loudly. Popular boy I had a crush on immediately blamed the guy sitting behind me. To this day no one knows it was me. I don't know if the boy I had a crush on knew it was me, and forced the blame on someone else, or if the noise just carried itself in a way to sound like it wasn't mine. That could have been a life changing moment.

I was watching a musical with my family. It was a wonderful evening, out on the town, and it seemed like nothing could go wrong. Poor, misguided fool I was. I was seated next to my mom and two older women, most likely in their late 60s. Halfway through the first act, something rumbled in my stomach. Something not of this earth. Because the seats were cushioned, I decided to take advantage of the noise suppression capabilities and just let loose. It was not loud. I could not smell anything. But good lord it went on for 5 minutes, at the least. There was no end to it. But once I had finished unleashing this hell beast from my nether regions, I reveled in the fact that I had gotten away with it and went back to enjoying the musical.

After intermission, the two women didn't come back to their seats. My mom leaned over and said ”Guess they thought you pooped your pants. You probably ruined their evening.” That's right, it was silent, but oh so deadly. My mom knew. My brothers knew. And those women knew.

So, in middle school, I was an office runner. Basically, at my school, if your reading grades were high enough they'd let you skip class and work in the office, fetching students whose parents had come to get them, delivering messages to the teachers, etc (This was before the computers-in-the-classroom era).

One day, I was sitting in the office waiting for an assignment, and the guy next to me would not shut the fuck up. He kept going on and on about something retarded, and would NOT drop the point, no matter how many times I told him to stuff it.

Then, a bubbling was a-brewing. This was perfect. This would be legendary. I looked at him, with a big, cheesy grin, slowly lifted my ass cheek off the chair, and bore down on the beast.

It was a blast of mythical proportions... only... it wasn't alone. The trumpetous bellowing heralded an onslaught of demonic chocolate pudding, rushing forth from the breach to lay waste to my hapless pants.

The invading tide rolled down my pant leg, and dripped onto the floor.

Silence. Nobody moved. The office lady stopped, mid-sentence on the phone. The previously loquacious child now stand in silent reverence for my fallen comrade-pants. Even the supple tones of Kenny-G seemed to grow quieter in respect for this solemn moment.

Slowly, I raised my hand.

May I use the phone, please?

Unfortunately, my pants could not be saved. May they battle forever in Valhalla. However, their sacrifice was not in vain, for that kid both feared and respected me henceforth.

I once farted extremely loud in class followed by me and my friend bursting out laughing. The teacher told us to leave the classroom and wanted to see us in his office after class. There he told us to be ashamed of ourselves and behave like adults. Silliest. Meeting. Ever.

I remember asking the girl I liked to prom. We both arrived early for class and were waiting outside as the room emptied itself of it's prior charges. Teacher hadn't waved us in yet and the corridor was private so I started building up to asking her.

I asked. She said yes, we were both coyly giggling and arranging times. She wanted to know what colour my cravat or bow-tie was.

At this point my stupid jackanape friends rounded the corner, all hooting and hollering. Also at this point, I was fidgeting and biting back a particularly threatening build up of pressure in my bowels. The overture of a loud and lavatorial chorus.

Friend who we'll refer to as THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE THAT EVER WALKED ON TWO LEGS walked up and hailed me and then gave me an affection shove toward the girl.

I fell into her arms but unclenched in the melee and loosed a loud and violent bark of a fart into the quiet of the hallway.

I farted during sex. Right as he was cumming. He was pushing into me so hard that I couldn't hold it in. And it was one of those long, loud farts. Didn't smell, thank god. But he and I couldn't breathe anyway. Me from embarrassment and him from laughing so hard.

It wasn't my fart, but my ex's about a year ago. I was downstairs in my basement watching tv and my girlfriend was coming over. When she arrived, she ran down to the basement, jumped on my lap, kissed me, then farted the most ungodly beast I've ever encountered. Now for any guys who've had a girl pass gass right on your dick, it is an odd feeling. But in this case, I could practically feel it through both our pants. After a few seconds, I cringed due to the smell, and her face magically morphed into the grin of the troll face.

She did this several times throughout the relationship, didn't bother me one bit.

I just started seeing this new girl, this was about the 3rd time we had met up. It was a casual night, we went to her friend's party. On the drive home, I was about to drop her off at her house, it was getting late and we ended up just sitting in the car chatting it up.

After about an hour of just talking, I really had to take a number 2, trying to hold it in, I needed to let out some nasty farts. Holding those in two, it was like i was farting inside myself and made it sound like my stomach was growling. I had been holding these in for another hour, so now it has been 2 hours just chilling inside the car talking to each other. She kept asking, "oh are you getting hungry?" she could hear my "stomach growling." I said, "yeah thats it, but it's too late, we dont need to go anywhere." Then finally I slipped and let a silent baby one out while were talking. She pauses and asked if I just farted, said "yeah.... sorry, can you hold on a sec?" I step out of the car, and just let it all rip. I sighed in huge relief, not realizing that she could see me, and hear everything. She was just laughing the whole time, and I got back into the car too soon because the smell still lingered with me and she could still smell it.

I was playing a game on my phone will sitting on the couch. My 5 year old daughter came over to see what i was doing. I knew I had to let one go, but I let it slip out all silent hoping it wouldn't smell and no-one would notice. But as she sat down and peered at the screen on my phone it hit her. She jerked up and moved away, then realized she could still smell it. She stood up and backed away but apparently she didnt take the threat seriously and was still within range. One more whiff took its toll and she promptly turned her head and threw up on the floor.

TL:DR I made my daughter throw up from the pure power of an SBD. One of my finest moments.

I had to let loose once after a heavy night of drinking and eating pizza. Trouble was there were 4 of us in a helicopter on a maintenance check flight.and after giving fair warning the pilot made an emergency landing in the middle of nowhere so we could breathe and he could vomit.

You know with the Christian religion you sometimes go into the stupid little room where you talk to the priest and confess your sins? Well, mine was in this little box thing, like so. Well in the beginning he asked something like "What do you wish to confess my child." and I just sat there and farted really loud. TOTAL ACCIDENT. The worst part was he started laughing.

In college I had a progressive teacher had us move the desks into a circle. He then handed out balloons and asked us to blow them up. As we sat in silence, each of us blowing fiercly, the back pressure caused me to inadvertently let out a squealer that caused everyone to stop and stare directly at me. I said excuse me, but not before a girl across the room blurted out, "was that real?", to which I was forced to reply "yes".

Bonus: girl I was dating at the time was in the class, sitting right next to me.

I was in study hall as a freshman in high school. I thought I could just slip one out unnoticed but then it hit the plastic seat. The sound echoed thoughout the room and everyone looked right at me. I said, "yep that was me" and spent the rest of the hour in deep shame

I was right in front of the stage at a Proclaimers concert a bunch of years ago and let out the most deadly fart you can imagine. I heard people around me complaining about it, which was bad enough, but then I saw one of the Proclaimers make a "What the fuck is that smell face?" in the middle of a song.

There was the time I got pushed off the monkey bars in kindergarten by a truly evil little girl, fell onto some rocks and broke my arm. In the ER when the doctor was setting my bone, the pain was so intense I screamed then farted. He and my mother had the nerve to laugh. Damn, I was pissed for a while about that one.

This one doesn't belong to me, but I'll share it anyway... a couple of weeks ago I attend a Kung Fu seminar at my dojo. It was Sil Lim Tao, which is very quiet when practiced, almost like Tai Chi. As the owner of the school was demonstrating and the room was super quiet, this one kid (about 12 years old) farted. Not once, mind you. I'd say the total was about 5 times maybe. And, he was standing right behind the instructor. I had to maintain a straight face, but I was like, really? This kid is a bit of prankster, so I don't know if he did it on purpose or not.

This week during stripe testing he was making farting noises with his mouth when some of the folks were going through a kung fu form. Got 50 push ups for it, but I thought it was pretty ironic he was doing that considering the fart display he put on during the seminar.

spring semester of my sophmore year of college, i had 8am motor learning class or something. i had 7am conditioning w my team/strength coach, so I would literally go straight from the gym to class.

on this fine day we had a test of some sort, i sat in the back of the room, with a line of coat hooks along the wall. it is silent in the classroom, and i always hang on to the hooks and stretch out my arms. i happened to be sore from something so i was really hanging on the hooks, i hung a little too hard and my ass turned into a trumpet during the test.

i watched my professor's jaw open, and 25 heads turn to look at me, stretching on a hook, laughing that i totally farted

Farted in a college lab. Silent. It was repulsive. It was so bad that the TA teaching threatened to kick everyone out. The horror on people's faces made it difficult not to laugh. I told everyone it was me a year later. They all remembered.

For my twelfth birthday my parents wanted to throw me a party. I felt too old for that, so requested that me and a few of my closest friends be allowed to "go out for a grown-up meal". So my dad drove us to the local (cheap) steakhouse where four of us were left with a budget and a kind nod.

Part way through the meal one of the group said that he needed to let one rip, so ran to the bathroom. When he came back, I kindly suggested that he must try softly squeaking into his chair next time, as it was a hassle to get to the bathroom in this place.

Later on, this friend said, quite loudly, that he needed to use my "fart-chair", pushed me off onto the floor, and proceeded to let out a Step Brothers style A-bomb that reverberated throughout the restaurant.
Another friend who was partaking in his virgin screwball (we were badass yo) then laughed, causing orange juice to shoot forth from his nose and onto me. Happy fucking birthday.

TL:DR - friend farted so loudly in a restaurant that another laughed and shot orange juice out of his nose all over me.

I was in Cuzco, Peru and decided to get a massage. Had been eating heaps of fruit and farting epic stank constantly. 5 minutes into an hour long massage could feel it building, started to tense up to quell the release, massage lady goes "senor... relax". Er.. I don't think you want me to relax lady. Worst 55 minutes ever.

So i'm in third grade and our class just finished a class bathroom break. Everyone is in single file line and I'm in front of friend John. John told me he had a fart coming. I was like whatever man, just let it out. He farted and that shit sounded like a jet engine just started up. I swear I could see the people's hair behind him blow back by the sheer force of the grand fart. After the deed was done I looked at him with a wtf man, did u just shit yourself look and then I saw the 2 girls behind him and they were both crying hysterically. We both started laughing our asses off. The teacher came grabbed us both and had a talking to us, privately. She called johns mom and got him in trouble. He got suspended for 2 days and had lunch detention for a week. I shit you not. I got lunch detention for 3 days. No regrets were had that day.

sorry for bad grammer i'm on my iphone typing this

TL;DR friend dropped a MOAF ( mother of all farts) of epic proportions at school on two girls and we both got in big trouble.

I dutch ovened myself. I was asleep, and I sometimes pull the covers over my head. All I remember was a horrible dream where I was being exterminated by gas chamber, and waking in a sweat to my own awful smell.

6th grade, when called to go up to the blackboard for some math problems. Ripped a major one when I stood up. Even the teacher was doubled over laughing. I continued walking and went straight out the door and walked home.

We happen to have a substitute in this day so everyone is not really paying attention and is just talking away. I'm chatting away when I feel a rumbling in my gut, but I ignore it and continue to chat. A mistake that was because right as the room gets silent, I let out a fart that hit the plastic chair so hard and so squeaky that it sounded like I stomped on a duck.

The smart thing to do would have just kept my mouth shut but no... my inner Canadian wanted to come out at that time.

I follow up my fart by screaming, "EXCUSE ME!!!"

People scoot away from me, rows and rows of ಠ_ಠ directed at me, and a glare from the teacher.

In my 6th grade math class, we were all doing some problems silently. I was sitting in one corner of the room. My teacher was an older lady sitting at the opposite corner.

This was one of those farts that you can hold in and save for a later date, but it felt like I could release it gingerly like my ass was whispering sweet nothings into your ears.

Alas, I was wrong. The instant I realized it was a mistake it was too late. My teacher perked up like a dog on guard gazing in my direction as an ear piercing, high pitched trumpet sound emerged from my sphincter.

My teacher says, "Adam! Can you come up here? ... What was that noise?" Adam replied, "It came from NinjaXIII." That's right. She called over the kid next to me, but he spoke in truths.

"NinjaXIII! Can you come up here?" As I was walking up there, I was thinking of what the hell I can say that noise was. I was not willing to admit defeat and succumb to 12 year old humiliation.

My teacher asks again, "What was that noise?" I said, "Oh, I have a sore throat and was just trying to clear it." Excuse was so lame that my mind brainpalmed itself. Well, I guess not so lame that she actually bought it. She asked if I wanted to go to the nurse to get some lozenges, but I said thanks and that I had some.

I returned to my seat while faking a scratchy throat. Adam laughed and tried to clear his throat while trying to mimic the sound I made. The entire class resumed their work.

However, victory was not mine. After class, the girl whose locker was next to mine said sarcastically, "NinjaXIII. Really...a sore throat?" She knew.

TL;DR - Passed off farting as clearing my sore throat to the teacher. Called out by girl after class.

Lesson (not) learned - Never gamble on a fart. You will lose. I'm just lucky my situation did not involve a sharty mess.

In 6th grade I farted. A real quiet stinky little rotten shit wtf fart. I was in the corner of the classroom. Within a minute people near me picked up their stuff and moved desks ( it was study hall/ home room) . About two minutes later the teacher literally asked if someone spilled something. She then proceeded to turn on a fan and blow that shit into the hallway. It smelled bad in the hall a half hour later. Somehow I did not shit my pants despite it smelling like it.

During a trip to London: After a night of heavy drinking and lots of fast food me and 2 friends decide that strolling around the city to see some nice sights would be a great idea.
Somewhere around the time we decide to take a break at Trafalgar Square it occurs that the 3 of us feel the same tear-inducing pain that seems to rip our guts to shreds at the same time. Barely conscious and taken hostage by the agony we stumble across the place lookin for a public toilet to desecrate. And by the heavens we are able to quickly find a place that seems to be able to stand against the unholy terror that brews deep in our intestines.
And so it begins. A demonic choir of farts and feces errupts into the room, shakin this maidenly white sanctum of hygiene in its core. This dark ceremony goes on for about 10 minutes. And then silence.
It was done. And the bathroom wasn't the same anymore. I can't really describe the smell of what we left behind because I just felt a burning pain in my nose and my lungs when tryin to breath. You could describe it as the filling of a toxin-filled SCUD rocket.
As we we heading towards the exit of the bathroom we saw how someone else entered the room. We quickly got out through the open door after his arrival. As soon as the door closed behind us, we could hear him coughin, gaggin and swearin as hard as he could. We hope he didnt got hurt.

I love to play practical jokes, and so I'm very proud of my one awesome fart story:
My friend was driving to a town close to where we live with some friends because there was a chocolate factory there and we could buy bulk candy for cheap, straight from the source. As we pulled into the town with my friend and his two buddies (neither of whom I had met before this trip), one of them says loudly "I smell chocolate!" at which point I cut a long, loud, hot fart. The kind that smells like sulfur. It was enough to make everyone in the car fumble to roll down their windows with tears in their eyes. My friend thought it was hilarious.

One time in high school I was sitting in English going over a reading we did on Christopher Reeve.

This was about a week after he died and the reading was in honor of his life, telling the story of his career, his injury, and his struggle until he finally passed away. At the end of the article my teacher said something to the point of "he was a great man we should give him a moment of silence..."

As he said those words I felt the depths of my begin to turn and contort. And in perfect comedic timing it went as quickly as it came I let loose the most explosively loud fart of my life. The spectra of sounds was amazing, ranging from a deep rumble at its start to a high squeal as it was pinched off at the end.

I will never forget the look of disappointment on my teacher's face as I desecrated his lesson and the memory of Christopher Reeve

During the middle of an exam in high school, I ripped what is now known as "The Legendary Boomerang Fart".

I tried to hold it in, I really did, but that silent eggy ninja slipped its way out of my asshole before I could realize what happened. It was dead silent; the most dangerous kind. The people in my immediate area all gasped in agony as my sweet island breeze infiltrated their unsuspecting nostrils. I was sitting on the left side of the room, half way to the back. The ghastly spectre seemed to work its way in a clockwise motion around the room, based on the looks of terror, and the loss of nostril innocence that was occurring. By the time I saw it had reached the right side of the room, the smell had disappeared from my area. Looks of relief in my area appeared as the nasal assault had appeared as though it had ended. Not so, my friends, not so. That stinky fucker whipped its way around the room, and once again started to flatu-lance people in the nose.

For me, the scene had a very serene duality, one of both beauty and destruction. The best part of it all? When people started asking questions, I successfully blamed it on my friend Xander. Poor Xander, you don't know it, but I still owe you one.

Driving back from a weekend getaway with my boyfriend and I hadn't gone poo in days because there was never 'the right time' and I have a fear of pooping anywhere but in my bathroom (stupid, I know).

So we are in the car and I have to fart so badly as it was all building up from the weekend (drinking, partying, eating bad food, ugh). And I didn't want to put the windows down because that's way too obvious.... I bear down in my seat thinking my ass cheeks and such are firmly planted into the cloth which will allow my fart to be completely absorbed and then all would be fine.

I fart, I didn't know for sure if it was an SBD but I quickly realized I had made a huge mistake. The worst fart/shit smell starts creeping up to my nostrils and I'm silently losing my mind....Can I blame it on a pasture? Or factory? Or just open the windows? Maybe he won't even notice.... Then 15 seconds later, the grossest look of terror and disgust is registering on his face. I've been caught, shit, shit, shit!

"UGH BABE!!!!!! DID YOU FART?!? Oh my God I've never heard/smelled your farts, that's fucking disgusting babe!" Followed with choking noises, opening all windows, and laughing profusely. I was (am still) mortified. All I could do was laugh because it was so embarrassing and then say, "I have to poop!" Which isn't the most clever retort.

** TL;DR All was well in the end, he still has sex with me, but this is why I have never farted in front of a boyfriend and never will again.**

Went on a weekend skiing/shooting/drinking trip to my friend's hunting cabin in the mountains. Friday night we leave and stop at a convenience store for snacks, so being the asshole with notoriously terrible gas, I purchase a quart of cheap chili. Arrive at cabin and commence drinking and what we thought at the time was the worst my gas could be. Wake up next morning thinking I shat myself because the room I slept in was the living/dining/whatever big room of the cabin and it smelled like death. Drink 3 cups of coffee to hopefully let the demon out, but he stays put and trolls me all day. We are outside and it is snowing and no warmer than 3 degrees fahrenheit, so I am wearing long johns, jeans, and hunting bib overall things (scent blocking supposedly). Well we decide to see how big of a bonfire we could build in a snowstorm, and I am gathering wood about 50 feet from the fire and let out what felt like the sun from my ass and jumped around because of the heat and it being trapped in long johns, jeans, and bib overalls...or so I thought. My friends are gathered around the fire (50 feet away as mentioned and I am downwind from them) and I am dieing from the smell coming out of my jacket and seeping out everywhere.

This fart apparently defied normalcy and traveled against the wind and made my friends run the other way and stay there for about 5 minutes waiting for it to clear (remember this is outside and it took a while to clear).

This fart is still talked about when someone tries to excuse themselves for having bad gas...It fucking traveled against the wind! (and it also was caused by beer and gas station convenience store chili)

TL;DR Gas station chili + Beer = Demon that releases farts that defy normalcy, travel against the wind, and manage to evacuate 1/4 acre of a field outside

Jr. High. Sitting with my dad watching my sister do her stupid ballet practice. Two girls about my age where sitting only a few feet away from me looking and smiling with me flirting right back. Things were going well and I thought I was king-shit of the waiting room. I should have gotten up and went outside. Taking my chances, I let it rip. I was sitting on the floor and it made a reverberation that I didn't expect. EVERYONE (about twenty people including the two girls) starting laughing. Thinking I could get out of it I yell, "Geese dad! That's nasty!" Dad says whilst still laughing, "Boy! Don't blame this one me! That was all you!" I sat there in shame for the rest of the practice. Didn't go back after that. I had to deal with seeing one of the two around school and every time she saw me, she would get this huge smile. I never trusted my anus after that day.

Anal Edit: Not embarrassing, but in grade school my best friend and I one day thought it would be funny to have fart wars on the bus. I won. It was like chocolate mixed with rotten eggs and moldy cheese. We were both sitting in the back and forced everyone to the front of the bus with all the windows down. Both Josh and myself were hated on the bus for the rest of the week.

I was about 17, beginning sexual experimentation with my first boyfriend. The first time he ever went down on me, it tickled beyond belief. I laughed uncontrollably. Then before I could get myself under control, I giggled so hard that I farted basically right into his mouth. It was loud and I was mortified. He jerked his head backwards in shock and paused for a moment just staring in utter disgust while I apologized profusely. I wanted to bury myself under the covers and cease to exist.

He was actually really nice about it though - he said it was ok and everybody farts, he made some joke about knowing what I had for lunch, and got back to business. But I will never forget how horrifying that moment was for me. To this day, I have a genuine fear of ripping ass in my fiance's face every time he's down there. And my scumbag gastrointestinal track always decides to gurgle up just to fuck with me.

Not me but a buddy of mine. We're both in the Army and we were taking a PT test. When the sit-up event comes I'm waiting in line to go while he is getting ready to go. The soldier who has to hold his feet just happens to be the hottest female in our unit. He gets to 30 seconds left in the event and let's out the loudest fart I've ever heard. I was a good 40 feet away and I heard it clear as day. He did this pretty much right into the female's face too.

He stops sitting up, and just laughs for the next 30 seconds, unable to do any more sit-ups or even move he is laughing so hard. Worst part was, he farted and subsequently stopped doing sit-ups with 2 more left to do until he passed.

In third grade, we were watching Bambi with the class and were all seated on a hard, tile floor around the television. I had my legs pulled up to my chest with my arms wrapped around my knees, in a primed position for letting one out. Because of the way I was sitting, when I finally let what I thought would be a silent fart out, it instead came out, reverberated across the tile floor, causing a loud screech to erect from my butt. Unfortunately, there was a lull in the sound of the movie and the crowd of third grades parted before me like the red sea parted for Moses. I could only stare at Bambi's dying mother and bite my lip.

Oh my god. My first day of kindergarten. The teacher has just introduced me to the class and asked me to sit down on the story rug with them (she was reading to the class at the time.)

As she was reading the story came to an interesting part and everyone was silent. Suddenly PBBBBBBBBBBBT! Everyone looks back at me like "Did that come from her? OH GOD I HOPE IT DOESN'T SMELL." The terror in everyone's faces will stay in my mind as long as I live.

About 8 years ago, during my freshman year of high school, a girl from a few towns over was brutally beaten to death in her sleep by her mom with a shovel. One of my teachers knew the girl from when she worked at the school the girl went to. Some kids in my class didn't know what had happened and asked because my teacher mentioned knowing her. My teacher spent a good 15 minutes talking about the girl and her murder. The second she finished telling this heart-wrenching story, during what should have been a somber moment, I let out one of the loudest farts I've ever had. I wasn't holding it back and once I felt it coming, there was no stopping it. Oh boy was I embarrassed.