Public Sex Positions

Public space is there for all to utilise, so it is your duty as a responsible citizen to make good use of these areas. Summer is a great time for getting your gear off in the great outdoors and making the most of the warmer weather, and what better way to do that than with public sex positions like the ones listed below?

Pig in a Blanket

As the name suggests, you need both a blanket and a pig. Men, being suitably pig-like at times, are designated swine for the outing. Wrap yourselves in a blanket and discreetly wriggle like stuck pigs until you are both satisfied. Save the squealing for later, because there may be people around. Sleeping bags can be used and then you won’t have to worry about naked body parts being suddenly exposed to the outside world — they also get nice and sweaty with the friction.

Lumberjack

Locale: The bush/forest, naturally.

Simulate sex with a tree in this position. The intermediary is your lover. She is the tree hugger, facing the tree, with her arms around it protecting the tree from your large and violent axe. Enter her from behind, and she will use her otherworldly powers of manipulation to make you forget all about being a callous tree-murderer. Choose your tree carefully, as despite her love for tall leafy greens, she is prejudiced against certain types of trees — trunks with a lot of scratchy bark are not worthy of her embraces. She likes them long, smooth and thick.

Pitch a Tent

Locale: Best suited to a flat area ideal for pitching a tent, such as long grass.

Your throbbing member is the tent peg, and your body is the hammer. She is the ground sheet, flat and spread out, ready for you to make her sturdy and stable with your tools. Peg her to the ground however you need to, and make the most of the ideal position. Once the poles are in, for some variety, she can then make a tent-shape with her body and you can slide the final pole into her satiny fabric — best done where you would normally pitch a tent.