Monday, January 14, 2008

Roomba: Friend, Scholar; Brother, Mother

Back in January of '04, with the help of an Amazon sale and some gift certificates, I purchased a robotic floor vacuum which, when I type it out, makes me feel like kind of an ass. The main floor of our home is approximately 12 square feet, so I didn't really need a Roomba, but, man, did I want a Roomba. And, other than mutilating the fringe on one of my rugs, Roomba served me and my 12 square feet of hardwood floors well. I could lock Roomba in the kitchen or a bedroom before I left the house, or set him on "Clean" before I took a nap with my baby girl, and expect any rouge herds of dust bunnies to be drastically thinned in no time.

Then one day, maybe one and half years ago, Roomba mysteriously stopped working, and I stashed him in a closet so that I could focus on other things, like whitening grout and lining drawers and alphabetizing underwear and obsessively labeling all the contents of our medicine cabinet before I delivered yet another baby. In the back of the closet, the Roomba, no longer shiny and new, was forgotten, like so many Velveteen Rabbits.

But, just last week, in a fit of (non-pregnancy related) purging and organizing, I rediscovered Roomba and decided to try my own hand at repairing him. I dismantled his little red body, pulled horrifying amounts of tangled hair from all his brushes, dusted all his nooks and crannies with a paintbrush. And guess what? He's running! I can fix robots, people.

So Roomba is back in action and just in time because, boy, was I tired of cleaning up that one spot under the high chair 3,129 times a day. And not only is Roomba way, way more enthusiastic about doing floors than I will ever be, but he has proven to have limitless potential as an entertainer and care-giver.

Behold Roomba's successful re-integration into our family:

The children, though initially wary, were entranced. "What IS it?" Ellie asked.

James likes to frantically follow Roomba around the room, squealing with joy and disbelief as if to say, "Finally! You let me get a dog!"

Here, James attempts to feed a Christmas ornament to Roomba but, no, no: Roomba has a little thing called Artificial Intelligence, which means that he's smarter than the average human one-year-old and will not be eating the ornament. In fact, Roomba will not eat most things the children try to feed him, but, if something valuable or wedding-ring-shaped should pass through, it can be easily retrieved from Roomba's handy removable dust bin. Well done, Roomba!

Here, Roomba bumps into James, but don't worry: neither party is in danger. Roomba never tries to eat the baby, which is yet another reason why, technically, Roomba is a better mother than I am. The children love to follow Roomba around the house, laughing at him, tripping on him, and pushing his buttons, while Roomba teaches them valuable lessons about housekeeping and tenacity in the face of obstacles. (The same cannot be said of their mother.)

In fact, I just found Ellie lying in the middle of the rug, flailing her limbs around and rubbing her hands and feet across the floor. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm trying to sweep up like Roomba," she said.

I smiled wisely and thought, Yes, you are, little one, and we should all be trying to sweep up, just like Roomba. You know, it's funny: that little red robot sure does have a lot to teach us about being big fleshy humans, doesn't he?

Which brings me to my favorite thing about Roomba: sometimes, when all the housework is done and the baby is tucked snugly in his crib, Roomba and I like to sit down and have a cup of herbal tea, just the two of us, crazy woman and robot vacuum.

I always tell Roomba, "You know, I don't object to the post-feminist social construct of 'the housewife' per se, it's that I prefer the emphasis being placed on the value of child-rearing and early individualized education, rather than menial domestic maintenance which, let's be honest, so often feels like abject slavery to a collective patriarchy."

I'm going to honest and tell you that I didn't take you for the Roomba type (see: sucker) but I can see that I underestimated this little robot and its powers. The entertainment value alone would be worth the cost.

Oh my, that was HILLarious. Love the rant at the end...sigh. And I always *wanted* a Roomba, but, well, we may have less than 12 square feet of living space. I am so glad I persevered in loading/reloading your blog! Google Reader really didn't want me to read this post (I think she was jealous of Roomba -- much cooler nonsense name coinage, freed from the confines of the computer...)

Melanie, if Roomba ever gets sassy, I have boxes and boxes of tea to share. Mary Ann, you come too! We can all sit around my dining room table while the dust hippos build themselves shelters with all the unswept pine needles from my Christmas tree.

I, too, always wanted a roomba. I think I did a bit of research, realized that it wouldn't pass the MechanicalMan test of things that we absolutely need in this house, and gave it up. I am glad to enjoy vicariously through you.

Since my tendencies incline particularly toward the anthropomorphic, I love this post. Well done.

I have always wondered about Roombas, and similar robotic beings, but have never actually purchased one. Now I'm thinking about it - especially for those days of unsolicited isolation and want of adult companionship, when I need a friend and confidant to converse with, and perhaps share a cup o' joe. Roomba is practical and pithy all at once. Bleep, bloop. Yes, Roomba. Yes.

Roomba is the Rosie the Robot the Jetsons promised us. After a few years, mine was not feeling at all like himself, so we bought him a new battery, and now he's running even better than he did five years ago, because iRobot has vastly improved the battery life. Our son is majoring in robotics at Worcester Polytechnic Institute -- the first undergraduate major of its kind in the world, btw -- and he says the more you know about robots, the more amazing the Roomba really is. I'm amazed that I can vacuum the floors with the big vacuum, and really get up a lot of dirt, but the next day when I run the Roomba, he picks up even more. This is a really good vacuum cleaner for so many reasons, cuteness being the most important, of course.