Translation lost in ancient photocopier malfunction

Cadence Ohana’s Movie Reviews

Cadence Ohana is a prolific author, having published works in New Age thought, feminism, self-help and dieting. Her most celebrated works include the semi-autobiographical The Secret of the Harmonies: Talking With Eighth-Dimensional Angels About Life, Love and Family and her international bestseller, The Thinking Witch’s Guide to Harmonic Convergence and Carbs.

One of her lesser known hobbies is reviewing movies from her unique perspective. Though these reviews do appear in a few local papers scattered across the nation, Cadence believes that the internet is a conspiracy against womankind and therefore refuses to allow those sites to post her reviews in electronic form. Being a Cadence fan, I’ve taken the liberty of transcribing these reviews and posting them here so the internet at large can have access to them. Considering she refuses to use the internet, it’s not like she’s going to ever find out.

My Little Pony: The MovieAn example of the patriarchy targeting young women with male-centric sexual content and disparaging empowered female role models.

TangledA story encouraging young women to ignore the dangers of a phallocentric world and belittle wise, self-empowered female role models.

Sucker PunchOne of the most woman-positive, she-mpowering portrayals of femininity to ever hit the silver screen.

Have a movie you think Cadence should review? Let me know and I’ll try to pass the word on.