Hey everybody! I’m back from vaKSKation the only way you should ever be back on the job after a week off: half-heartedly, with minimal effort and maximal foot-dragging. You won’t find any extra photos or long-winded asides from me today, but I promise you this: what follows is definitely a mailbag. You cannot deny that.

Anyway, we have several different issues this week, but a couple folks below have problems that stem from being roommates with their siblings. Dude, just… no. I think my sister’s one of the coolest people on the planet, but that doesn’t mean I want to live under the same roof with her. Siblings should only live together if they’re (a) 18 or younger and (b) in their parents’ house. The one exception: twins who go to the same college. There are literally BILLIONS of other people in the world. Go meet some of them and offer them your extra room before turning to your brother or sister.

Captain Coochie Crusher, Sex thing first that really has nothing to do with sex. Fingers crossed that this wastes your time and you destroy me for it. I’ve been dating a girl for almost a year now. She’s pretty amazing. I love spending time with her, we never argue, we like the same things and all that other shit that happy relationshippy people brag about. Since most of my past relationships usually end in a matter of months with the girl revealing some sort of hidden drug problem or violent streak or inability to act normal or penis (just kidding), you can see how I’m pretty excited about this one. But there is one problem that I’m not quite sure how to handle.

You see, I have always been a thorough enjoyer of “me” time. Time where I can do whatever the fuck I want without having to answer to anyone. Time where I can just be by myself, away from everyone and relax uninterrupted by anything. I realize getting into a serious relationship means sacrificing such things like the amount of “me” time I get. And I’m cool with that. Relationships are about compromise. I just wasn’t aware that I would be sacrificing ALL of it. The one thing that has been bothering me is that when I’m not with this girl she seems to think that we need to constantly text each other from the time I get off work until the time I go to bed. A couple texts here and there are fine, but to carry on the entire day…every day for the past year…can be a little overbearing at times. How do I let her know that the 6th grade constant texting is a little too much for me without hurting her feelings? I really like this girl and the last thing I want to do is hurt her by voicing my opinion the wrong way. Or am I just making too big of deal out of the whole texting thing?

This email makes me feel old. All I can think is, “Fucking kids with their texting, rabble rabble.” And I like texting. It’s a nice way to be concise and share information without wasting time on the phone saying, “Yeah… yeah… uh huh… totally… Love you, too, honey. Bye-bye.” And it’s especially nice because you can respond to texts at your leisure — something you clearly have failed to do for the last year, otherwise she wouldn’t be texting you hourly.

Everything in a relationship takes two people. Yes, she appears to be clingy with her constant texting, but I’d wager you fostered that habit by promptly responding to her texts and not creating the space for yourself that you need. And now you can’t just start ignoring her texts for an hour, because she’ll probably freak out and leap to conclusions. “Oh my God he hasn’t answered yet! What did I do? He doesn’t like me any more! I should send more texts to see what’s wrong!”

Now, because you didn’t properly maintain a little bubble of individualism separate from your relationship, you’re going to have to sit her down and explain to her in the nicest way possible that she needs to text you less often. And no matter how much you stress that you love her and she makes your life better in every way, she’s probably still going to be butt-hurt by the conversation. But it’s better that she be a little butt-hurt now, with the knowledge of how to be a better girlfriend to you, than for you to just blow up at her out of the blue when you finally reach your breaking point.

Now football. I’m in a big money league ($200 entry) with keepers. Friendships have been severed because of this league but I continue to be in it because I have a problem, apparently. The first year I was runner up. Last year I missed the playoffs by one game (Fuck you very much Jonathan Stewart…3rd round pick). The rules state you can only keep one player for two years, then they get thrown back into the draft. I’m keeping Peyton Manning for the final year I’m able to, but I have a dilemma with my second keeper. I’ll have the 6th pick based on where I finished last year but I also have Peyton Hillis. So…Do I keep Manning/Hillis and risk losing my fucking mind if Hillis tanks next year or roll the dice, only keep Manning and see what’s out there on draft day? Thanks for the help.

Sincerely, Calloused Thumbs

I’d keep Hillis. Even if his ridiculous production from last year falls off, he’s still likely to be better than Running Back X you get in the second round. Besides, if he truly sucks this year, you can at least have the small satisfaction of cutting him. If you get rid of him and he kicks ass, you’ll never forgive yourself. Minimize the potential damage to your psyche by keeping him.

**********

Captain Caveman, Fantasy Football: My top four players are Aaron Rodgers, Greg Jennings, Mike Wallace and Jamal Charles. Yet I can only keep two of them since our commissioner set the keeper number at 2 (this is our first year doing keeper). I also lose their value in our 200 point auction draft (Sidebar: Auction drafts are much better than snake since there is more strategy and less random luck). Charles is worth 41, Rodgers 39, Jennings 26 and Wallace 7. Standard scoring w/ .25PPR

Rodgers is a shoo-in (third in scoring behind Foster and Vick). After that I’m stuck. Charles got me the 2nd most points, Wallace is the best value and the Rodgers-to-Jennings connection worked very well.

Either Charles or Wallace. My first inclination is to say Charles, because that insane YPC doesn’t lie, and he’ll probably get more red zone touches this year. However, that’s a tall order to spend 1/5 of your entire budget on two players. If you think you can fill out the rest of your roster with 120 points, keep Charles. Otherwise, I like the value you get from Mike Wallace.

Sex: On the relationship front I also have a dilemma. It boils down to this: to reconnect with a past flame, is it better to do what worked the first time to remind her of something comforting and familiar, or to do new and flashy things to show you’ve changed for the better?

Context: As a senior in college I had an amazing relationship, including last summer in my current city. It ended only because she was a year younger and didn’t want to enter a long distance relationship. In hindsight that makes sense, but at the time I was devastated. So I followed the KSK/CC model of break ups: Sulk for a month and try to forget her by improving my life: I ran a 10K, learned how to cook and went on dates with other girls.

However, a couple months ago my ex told me she’s moving to my city. Since then, we’ve started chatting again. In fact, I saw her several times during Reunion Weekend (which I’d previously booked before we started talking). I definitely could tell that our chemistry was still there. We even were close to hooking up, but she stopped me and said “Listen, I’ve been really emotional with graduating and leaving all my friends. If we want to date when I move down I think it’s best if we don’t drunkenly hook up tonight. It’ll only complicate things.” Normally this would be DING DING leading on/crazy/attention whore signs.

Eh, that could go either way. You could interpret it as her playing manipulative mind games, but my gut reaction is that she probably just wants a better chance at a fresh start with you.

However, my ex is not the type to get emotional or play those kinds of games. So I know she was being sincere. (She also was the first to bring up dating again.)

Needless to say, since that weekend, my feelings for her have resurfaced. And at the very least she has thought about dating me again. So I’m trying to think of a great way to reconnect with her when she moves. Hence the past vs. new question above. Would it better to go to our favorite restaurant from last summer (familiar, evocative of the good times) or offer to come over one night and cook her dinner at her place (new, flashy skill that’s impressive for a 23-year old guy). Similarly, would wearing a shirt that she bought for me (which I’ve kept because it’s comfortable not for sentimental reasons) perhaps subconsciously remind her of our great connection? Or would she think my wardrobe hasn’t changed since we broke up?

HOLY SHIT. Put your ovaries away and stop over-thinking this.

I’m probably over-thinking the shirt part,

Yes.

but I’m curious whether you you think evoking the glory days or showing improvement is better. I really think a good “second first date” would go a long way to rekindling the flame (or determining whether she actually was just leading me on…) Thanks CC, Keeper Keeper

Cook dinner at YOUR place, not hers (unless she invites you over). She’ll be moving into a new space and will want to get the fuck out of her apartment after being surrounded by boxes. And don’t think of it as showing off a new skill — think of it as being yourself. I hate to use a baseball metaphor, but this is an easy fly ball to catch — don’t squeeze the glove too hard.

**********

Dear KSK, Currently dating a girl named Debbie, but this question refers to her relationship with her sister Pam. Debbie is very close to her sister, both in life (roomates) and in age (18 mos. apart). About two years ago, Pam starts dating a GI, and as she is prone to do, becomes very impulsive and they elope two weeks before he ships off to Afghanistan.

Oh wow. A “GI,” you say? I believe this is the first email I’ve ever received from the 1950s. “Golly, chum! Ya think Ike will drop the A-bomb on the Reds?”

Now, in the absence of having her husband around, she starts sleeping with a new guy. A very skeevy, asshole-ish gentleman who is about 12 years her senior, and who is also very well aware that he is helping the wife of a man who is risking his life for the cause of freedom cheat. Debbie is completely exasperated by the situation. She has tried everything: yelling at Pam, giving her the cold-shoulder, sitting her down for a “sister-to-sister” chat, to make her realize that what she is doing is very very wrong, but nothing seems to be working. Just the other day, Pam went out to see the skeeve-ball and left her phone at home. When Debbie picked up the phone, and Pam’s hubby was on the line from the other side of the world looking for her, Debbie couldn’t do anything but cover for her sister, and she rightfull feels very, very disgusted with herself for doing so. Now, GI Hubby is coming home for two weeks R&R and is staying with them. Pam just started a new job and Debbie will be spending most mornings at home with Mr. Husband (Debbie is service industry), which will be incredibly uncomfortable for her. What does she do?? It’s pretty obvious that he shouldn’t be married to Pam, but is it Debbie’s job to tell him about the infidelity?? It’s really eating Debbie up…should she pay for her sister’s shit-brained behavior??

I suppose shoving Pam in front of a city bus isn’t an option, huh? Too bad.

Ordinarily, I would recommend staying out of people’s relationships: they’re hard enough to maintain — and painful enough when destroyed — without a third party tattling on someone. However, Pam’s insistence on being brazen about cuckolding her military husband is particularly distasteful, and I’d argue that it becomes your business when it starts affecting people in your life.

Some people might say that you should give Pam some kind of warning, like “If you don’t tell him, I will” or “I don’t want to hear about you seeing that other guy ever again, because it’s killing Debbie” — but that just gives Pam the upper hand and gives her the chance to feed Debbie lies about you.

If I were in your shoes, I’d talk to Debbie and see if she’d be okay with me telling the soldier about Pam’s infidelity. Just blow it the fuck up, man. In the process, you’ll probably guarantee that Pam will hate you forever, but you’ll relieve Debbie’s worry while preserving her sisterly relationship. And although Pam’s anger at you may not benefit your relationship, you’ll sleep soundly knowing that you exposed truth, took some lumps so your girlfriend didn’t have to, and acted in the best interest of a deployed serviceman. It will be a shitstorm for sure, but at least you won’t be an accomplice to Pam’s cruel idiocy.

Football – Should we shy away from drafting rookies this year due to the lockout-induced lack of team activities?? Will they have less impact as rookies that in years past had entire offseasons to prepare with their new teams?? -BwJ

Shit, I hadn’t thought about that until now. I guess we’ll have to follow training camp reports a little more closely than usual to see if your suspicions are true.

**********

Greetings, First with football: I won a 16(!) team league last year solely due to picking up Mike Vick off waivers the week before the season started (my bench was absolute trash). This allowed me to trade Aaron Rogers to a huge Packer fan in my league for a King’s ransom early in the season. Included in that trade was Calvin Johnson. Between Vick and Johnson, who do I keep (we get one keeper and don’t have to sacrifice a pick in the round he was selected)? I’ve been debating this in my head since the season ended.

On one hand, Vick was easily the most dominant player in fantasy football last year – racking up scores in the 20s even when he had a mostly awful game (see the Vikings game). On the other hand, he’s assured to miss a few games during the season, which means I’d have to draft a backup quarterback earlier than most and won’t be able to use him as trade bait, which can kill you in a league with such little depth. Megatron was also incredibly consistent, especially for a wide receiver. If Matt Stafford stays healthy for an entire season, he could very well be the best WR in fantasy football.

I’ve found that quarterbacks make the world go ’round in the deeper fantasy leagues, because you can’t count on consistent production from such a thin roster. As of now, however, it seems like quarterback and runningback are relatively deep, especially when compared to the wide receiver group. Should I keep Vick and hope Megatron/other dominant WR falls to me in round one? Or should I keep Johnson and take my chances finding a good, consistent starter after a couple rounds?

That is an exceptionally tough question. I’d pick Megatron, but that’s because I would live in fear of a Vick injury if he were on my team, and I’d rather sleep at night instead of stressing about my fantasy team.

Girlfriend and I rent a house, and her older brother rents a room from us. I’m 23, girlfriend is 25, and her brother is 36. My girlfriend and I like to have our friends over, so there’s been a decent amount of attractive females in their young 20s at the house. Unfortunately, however, my girlfriend’s brother is 36 years old going on 16 (which brings a host of fucking problems, but I’m trying to focus on just this one for the sake of your column). He ONLY wants girls aged 18-25ish

Get in line, pal.

and generally creeps out every friend my girlfriend brings over to hang out with her.

She doesn’t know what to do. I’ve told her to just be brutally honest with him – that he’s a creep, ugly, poor, and shouldn’t want to deal with the inherent drama that would could with dating someone 10-15 years younger than him. She’s tried to do it tactfully, but he can’t take the hint (well, I suppose he can since he complains about her not wanting him to hit on her friends). This situation is just fucking retarded to me. Am I right? Does she just need to be brutally honest with him? -Clever Pseudonym

The problem isn’t her unwillingness to be brutally honest with him. The problem is that you, 23, and your girlfriend, 25, rent a room to her brother, 36. Would the two of you rent a room to some other 36-year-old creepy dude who hit on her friends? Fuck and no. I mean, I understand that family ties are important, but that doesn’t mean he has to be your charity case. Let him suckle off his parents’ teat, not your girlfriend’s.

And yeah, that metaphor is SUPPOSED to make you ill at the thought of him living under your roof. Get a new roommate.

Join The Discussion

I like it when the mailbag has an overarching theme, even though not 1 question this week dealt with actual sex. I guess you work with what you got CC. Good advice all around.

07.07.11 at 5:15 pm

Free Loaders

One brother? Try housing three of them under your roof. God, I hate siblings.

07.07.11 at 5:19 pm

Enrico Pallazzo

I’m probably over-thinking the shirt part

No, sir, you are not. It is impossible to overthink your choice of shirts. It doesn’t matter how big your dick is when you are wearing that green polo that makes all women go wild.

07.07.11 at 5:24 pm

Darrone

You live with a lonely older male and you’re mad when he hits on the 20 something hotties you bring into the apt he sleeps in? Do you get mad when your dog eats the food out of the dish you leave on the floor?

07.07.11 at 5:25 pm

Lil Lebowski Urban Achievers

“GI?” Was ‘doughboy’ too longwinded for you?

But I’m with Caveman, blow that shit up. I’m sure that someone on this here blog would be glad to alert the GI anonymously for you. And if your girlfriend won’t be pissed at you for it, are you really all that worried about how a piece of shit like Pam feels about you?

07.07.11 at 5:29 pm

Snatchinyopeopleup

I think the A-Bomb was dropped in the 40s Ape
/History major
/Killing myself for not picking a useful major

07.07.11 at 5:30 pm

Martin

CC and LLUA are right. Not telling him makes you a piece of shit by association.

07.07.11 at 5:32 pm

Lil Lebowski Urban Achievers

Snatchinyopeopleup, you should be killing yourself for poor reading comprehension and an obviously worthless history degree.

07.07.11 at 5:39 pm

Captain Caveman

I think the A-Bomb was dropped in the 40s Ape
/History major

That comment’s so dumb in so many ways I think it might be a troll.

07.07.11 at 5:39 pm

Santonio's Coffee Thermos

How about two sisters and a mother in law?
it’s been 4 months. Is it too late to start charging rent?

07.07.11 at 5:40 pm

PirateSloth

Hard Knocks with the Jets is on the NFL Network – I’m not only drinking at the bar, but I get my mailbag with some Rex Ryan on the side!

Life is fucking great today.

/hopes for Cromartie kid segment
//shots for every kid

07.07.11 at 5:47 pm

Fat Punk Kicker

If I had to live with my inlaws I would give myself a Columbian necktie

07.07.11 at 5:56 pm

Fat Punk Kicker

BwJ
If I were you I would tell my ol’ lady about 30 minutes before I wqas the husband that you were going to tell him that his wife is a whore. Then wait until you were all together and then just blurt out “Mr. GI, your wife has been cheating on you while you were deployed with an old dude.” The shit will hit the fan and she will call you a liar,make sure you use details and have some proof if possible” but you will be a man of respect.

07.07.11 at 6:02 pm

Fat Punk Kicker

And I think I was drunk on my last post

07.07.11 at 6:04 pm

My safe word is Whiskey

I hope somebody plays catheter using a rusty screwdriver with Pam.

07.07.11 at 6:16 pm

Bobby Big Wheel

Gonna have to disagree with you here a little bit. My sister and I lived together for one summer when we were interning in the same city (her as an undergrad, me in grad school) and it was great. Growing up, due to our age difference, we weren’t very close. But that summer we became really good friends and we’re much closer today because of it. I say you can live with a sibling if it’s for a short period of time.

07.07.11 at 6:25 pm

Anon

Keep Charles and Rodgers. $41 for Charles is a good price in a 10 or 12 man league. I suspect he’ll go for high 40s to mid-50s, which means you save, what, $7-15 of your cap. Wallace is a bargain at $7, to be sure, but he shouldn’t go for much more than the high teens. And he doesn’t have Charles’ upside.

07.07.11 at 6:31 pm

Slash

Might want to make sure military dude doesn’t have a gun before you tell him his wife is fucking around on him. Not suggesting that military people are more likely to murder in those situations than other groups (necessarily), just saying that if he has a gun, you don’t want to be the witness to a murder or a suicide. Or the victim of a multiple murder-suicide. People tend to act in irrational ways when they are confronted with shit like infidelity.

You don’t say how old this dude is, but I’m guessing early 20s, a group not known for great impulse control. He will have to go back to one of the worst places on earth after having found out his wife was fucking around on him. That sounds like a recipe for a very bad reaction to me. I agree he should know, but … just be careful. We all know Pam is a skank, but he doesn’t, we assume. He’s about to have a very bad R&R. Does he maybe have a friend you can contact directly afterwards to maybe keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn’t do something terrible and irrevocable?

07.07.11 at 6:36 pm

Fat Punk Kicker

As a veteran the majority of dudes I have seen that were cheated on were pretty pissed at the time but also either saw it coming or were not surprised when it happened. I that lifestyle you tend to get used to being shit upon

07.07.11 at 6:48 pm

Captain Caveman

Fat Punk Kicker’s right. Slash, I love ya, but this “THEY HAVE GUNS THEY’LL MURDER-SUICIDE EVERYONE IF THEY GET BAD NEWS” is precisely the sort of attitude about veterans that gets developed from being informed by tragic headlines rather than experience. Infidelity during deployments — on both sides — is nothing new to someone in the service. I’d posit that the only thing to fear is an epic bender — but that’s the sort of reaction that you get from ANY young husband who gets news of his wife cheating.

07.07.11 at 7:00 pm

They think I'm slow... eh

Hey Snatchinyopeopleup- so you majored in history for how long before dropping out (of high school that is)?

/actually a high school dropout from Canada and STILL knows how dumb that comment was!

/should leave it as CC’s probably right about trolling but can’t resist

07.07.11 at 7:05 pm

george

“GI:” not PC?

07.07.11 at 7:29 pm

Slash

RE Captain Caveman: Duly noted. I was actually a little more concerned about suicide rather than murder. Isn’t suicide among military personnel extremely common (more so than among the general population) right now? Like twice the national average?

Just saying, though maybe it wasn’t expressed as well as it could have been, that rather than lowering the “she’s cheating on you” boom on the poor guy and then standing back and watching the carnage unfold as if it’s an MMA match, as some here have advised, be a little more cautious about it.

Sure, likely the worst that will happen is some screamin’ and then heavy drinking. But a more extreme reaction is not beyond the realm of possibility, regardless of whether he’s military or not. I did not mean to suggest that everyone who’s been in the military is one bad conversation away from committing mass murder. Just that infidelity tends to be one of those things that many people have a very bad reaction to.

07.07.11 at 7:32 pm

FearTheBuzzsaw

How about confronting the DUDE that is sleeping with the wife of the military guy? Tell HIM that if he doesn’t break it off with Pam you are going to tell the husband. In other words, scare the living piss out of him.
Next time Pam puts the cell phone down and leaves the room, get the most dialed numbers.
Then call from a pay phone; (Yes — they still exist.) leave a disguised voice mail saying you know what’s up and that you are a friend of the “GI”. Tell him to break it off or there will be hell to pay as hubby is coming home for two weeks.
Actually, get one of your buddies to leave the message, that way if Pam gets a hold of it and tried to confront you you can say it’s not your voice and you have no idea what she’s talking about.

And do it while wearing Debbie’s favorite shirt of yours.
/loves overthinking things

07.07.11 at 8:12 pm

Snarkey's Machine

I was told once, politely, by a roommate of my girlfriend at the time that my girlfriend of 1.5 years was seeing someone else when I went off to work a graveyard shift. Mostly, I was pissed at my girlfriend but was immediately grateful of the genuine concern that my girlfriend’s roommate expressed. I was heartbroken. But mostly, I was glad to find out so I could act, dump the ‘ho, and move on with my life. Who knows how long it would have gone on otherwise?

Also, the longer this situation continues with everyone aware of what is taking place the more culpable everyone in the situation becomes when the truth comes out. My advice would be to find a way to directly (but politely and with genuine concern) tell the ‘GI’ what is going on.

Also, I am a former Special Forces soldier and I did not physically do anything bad to anyone (although, I certainly imagined it). And thinking back, I probably did get drunk, but I suspect the GI is a tough hombre and can handle the truth without grabbing the first sharp object and stabbing someone.

Good luck.

/dick joke

07.07.11 at 8:15 pm

MurderousCows

I think the A-Bomb was dropped in the 40s Ape
/History major

I think that guy missed your reference to Ike, who was POTUS in the fifties. There was also a mention of the Red (Communists anyone?) Oh, and there was a thing called the Cold War that had folks doing nuclear drills (because hiding under your desk will certainly protect you from a nuclear bomb). BUT if the history major says it’s true, must it be true?

/not a history major, but understands how dumb that comment was
//weeps for all history majors, especially ones with a degree and no comprehension ability

07.07.11 at 8:22 pm

F yOU

“How do I sit down with my girlfriend and explain [problem X} without her blowing up?”

Yes, the A-bomb was dropped in the 40’s (um, 1945 to be exact), but the cold war started in the 50’s and that is when everyone started building bombshelters and worried about the bomb being dropped again – anywhere. CC is correct, Ike was president at the time (1952-60).

/not a history major
//shakes head at commenters who are (now go wipe down the tables and the counter)

07.07.11 at 9:02 pm

Spanky Datass

[problem X}

There is a joke just floating around this but I’m too sober to grok it. Project X? Malcolm X? Preparation X? Yeah, I got nothin’.

/drinks

07.07.11 at 10:12 pm

Brutus Ballsack

If my girlfriend’s sister was cheating on a guy, especially a soldier, with a skeevy older creep, I would definitely confront the older creep. I wouldn’t rule out fisticuffs. I would also come down hard on the sister. I’m not sure I’d have the sac to break it to the husband, though.

07.07.11 at 10:41 pm

Balls of Steel

I must be too old. In my brain, the only thing 18-25 year old women are good for is sex (or more realistically for us older folks, masturbating about). Has anyone ever had to have a conversation with people in that age range?

07.07.11 at 10:44 pm

Balls of Steel

I should add that if you are in that age range, sure, conversation is not a problem. However, if you get a nice age gap like in the email, I just don’t see how the older person would not strangle the young’un after ten minutes.

07.07.11 at 11:12 pm

Gen

@Snatchinyopeopleup

/Killing myself for not picking a useful major

Caveman was an American History major. He’s mentioned it a number of times. Maybe you should be killing yourself for not picking a useful college.

Regarding the deployed “GI”, better to tell him now, in as gentle a way as possible. Life doesn’t stop because of deployment, and servicemen and women recognize that. In fact, they plan for their return months in advance. I’d hate to see this guy make make serious life plans, like maybe getting out of the military to follow his wife to a city of her choosing, based on the belief that they have a future together, only to come home and discover that, not only has she been cheating on him, but now he has to deal with it in an unfamiliar environment without a support network.

07.07.11 at 11:45 pm

yeah, right?

And here I thought GI stood for GastroInterologist.
And speaking of old, what the fuck is wrong with you damn kids and your texting tweeting sexting shit? Jesus God. The thing you’re texting on is supposedly a phone first, right? Call her on the phone and say “stop texting me.” or I guess you could send a text telling her to stop texting but that would only lead to further confusion.
I swear to sonny Jesus if I see one more dipshit texting while driving, I’m going to start drinking and driving in self defense.
Gat-Dammit!

07.07.11 at 11:48 pm

Captain Caveman

@Slash — I actually wrote a piece about veterans suicide not long ago:

I don’t exactly have my finger on the pulse of vets pulling the trigger, but from what little I’ve read and experienced, the suicides come from depression that follows separation from the service. However, in your defense, the rates for spousal abuse are also higher for vets than the national average, so you’re not wrong to express concern in that regard.

07.07.11 at 11:49 pm

Animal Mother

Terrible mail-bag, nothing about how I can get my gf to try anal.

Keeper Keeper, use your new skills to impress her. She was already into you, now you can show her the new and improved version of you. Ditch the old shirt.

BwJ, take the hit for the gf, tell soldier boy right away his wife is a skank so he doesn’t put anything important into that cesspool and catch a disease. Then punch Pam in the face! Hard! Twice! Then wash your hands.

@Snatchinyopeopleup
I think your IQ has dropped in the 40s
/fix’d

07.08.11 at 12:05 am

yeah, right?

Full disclosure. I have been room mates with my brother a couple of times after leaving home. Once when I was just setting out and currently. I have lived with him for several years now. It’s cool. I know him. He’s on time with his share of rent, utilities and food. I see him for about an hour a day and during the weekends. The only thing we share is the kitchen and living room.
I’m pretty sure when we go someplace together we may be viewed as the old gay couple who has started to look like each other but we really are brothers. He moved in after our parents died and we had both just finished raising a family and divorcing our exes. Mutual aid society.
When I have a date I come home after he’s asleep or stay somewhere else. I do the same for him.
I love my brother.
And you try and live on the water in L.A on one income.

07.08.11 at 12:12 am

yeah, right?

And for clarity, I was not the letter writer I just wanted to give a counter-point to the sibling as roommate deal.
/thx tho

07.08.11 at 1:07 am

Cutler's Gaping Vagina

Slash – Maybe it’s wrong to make an assumption about veterans, but I think you are correct that this kind of thing could easily turn violent. Numerous episodes of Maury Povich and Jerry Springer confirm this to be true. Society has even gone so far as to recognize the crime of manslaughter, an exception to murder, because killing your wife or her bang maid in a fit of rage is just not as bad as plotting her murder over a period of 20 years.

Clever Psuedonym – Do you think you really need to tell some 36 year old guy renting a room from his sister and her 23 year old boyfriend how shitty he is? He knows this. If you don’t want to live with him, make him move out without trying to destroy what little he has left. Pray that someone shows you the same respect when you are 36.

Calloused Thumbs – You’ve already fucked this relationship up. If you say something about needing space or start ignoring her now, she’s just going to become more neurotic about it. Just start over with a new girlfriend.

07.08.11 at 3:36 am

snake11s

Has anyone thought about the guy banging GI’s wife?
Maybe he is cool with filling the void until Doughboy returns and doesn’t want long term.
Fuck, as long as everyone is happy why rock the boat?
/KENNY FUCKIN POWERS!!!

07.08.11 at 6:44 am

DancingBaptist

GI = Government Issue. As one, I don’t take offense.

@ Sexter / Texter: What kind of job do you have that allows you non-stop texting all darned day? Just tell her, ” honey, I love hearing from you, just NOT ALL THE TIME. Oh and my bosses said stop it at work”.

07.08.11 at 7:30 am

Sous Chef Gerard

Banging wives of deployed servicemen is pretty low. At least have the decency to drop a dime in his war bond fund for rationed milk before dropping a load in his old lady.

07.08.11 at 7:50 am

Carson Palmer's Real Estate Agent

Damn you, Dancing Baptist, I was going to make a “why would she marry a martial arts garment” joke, then drop the “government issue” knowledge at the end – if I do that now, it just looks like you clued me in…so thanks for ruining a perfectly awful joke.

/shows self out

07.08.11 at 8:44 am

Cereal Killer

To those suggesting that Debbie’s BF (who sounds suspiciously like he may be Debbie herself – “yeah my, uhh, friend has this problem…) that he “confront the dude fucking Pam,” you are completely retard. The guy is fucking a soldier’s wife so he

a.) does not give a fuck about the moral implications of his actions
b.) is not going to stop getting his dick wet because you asked him politely (dude doesn’t even KNOW you)
and c.) he is not scared of you throwing down in fisticuffs over someone else’s lady (who can muster that kind of motivation after the age of 20 anyway?) nor is he concerned with the soldier coming home for R&R just to do a quick murder before returning to government service.

If I were this guy (and therefore morally OK with my decisions up to this point) and Deb’s BF came to me and asked me to stop “or else,” I would laugh in his stupid face, then laugh some more, then go fuck Pam and laugh about it while I climax all over her stupid face. Can you even imagine BwJ actually fighting this guy to defend the honorn of his GF’s complete whorebag of a sister who is a terrible person and probably has the super-AIDS anyway? I agree with CC that the right thing to do is to tell the soldier so he can rid himself of the Pam, but confront the homewrecker? You must be shrooming.

PPS Hey CC, this mailbag blew, and not in a sexy 18-25 year old kind of way. I actually found myself fantasizing about fantasy football and not boobs because there were none of the latter included. Step your game up kid, vaGAYtion is over…get to work!
(Message sent from my office computer)

07.08.11 at 8:46 am

Boredatwork

As a military brat that also joined the military, I have never understood these guys that marry bitches right before deploying. Or even marrying while in the military at all, other than to get out of the barracks. If there is anything that 24 yrs of association with the armed forces has taught me it is military marriages are hard, generally doomed to failure, and loads of cheating on both sides.

Why would you marry a chick you barely know, deploy and send her your paycheck while away? I will never understand the reasoning behind this.

07.08.11 at 8:56 am

Earl Campbell's Sausage

23 year old male being able to cook is impressive? I had to learn as a kid because my mother was a terrible cook. It was about survival.

The GI needs to know that his wife is cheating. That marriage was headed for a divorce from day one due to the circumstance. All marriages should have a five year warranty period in which either party can back out without consequence. After that five years, you are stuck. Now sign my damn petition and lets make that a law.

07.08.11 at 9:51 am

Cheech Wizard

@ FearTheBuzzsaw
totally spot on. The douche has to be told to move on.

@Spanky Datass
X marks the spot
/dick joke
//kids these days joke

07.08.11 at 10:19 am

Hiroux

The term GI is neither inappropriate nor used infrequently (to this day).

/Storm Shadow FTW

07.08.11 at 11:30 am

DancingBaptist

@ Boredatwork

Part of the reason is $$. And separation pay. (Again $$)

07.08.11 at 12:15 pm

jdstuts

What’s wrong with everyone today?

Have Debbie sleep with the returning GI.

Pam gets a taste of her own medicine, The troop gets some unexpected new trim. Debbie gets to grudge fuck someone who hasn’t touched a women in months and BwJ is now in an open relationship.

07.08.11 at 12:38 pm

johndewar

@BwJ:

Dime out that pig whore cunt cum dumpster of a Sister in law. Now. Today.

07.08.11 at 12:44 pm

johndewar

Oh and one more thing about that whore cunt pig that is cheating on her husband….

The guy fucking her, while a reprehensible human being worthy of scorn and super Aids, did not make a commitment to love, honor, cherish, etc. He’s just fishing in the shallow end of the dating pool probably because he is incapable of fucking a single woman because his penis is likely tiny.

In other words, the cum rag wife who made the marital commitment is the one that should be held directly responsible and not the faggot who is fucking her.

07.08.11 at 1:38 pm

Bostjan Snachbar (formerly Endonatas Motiejunas)

What I’ve learned this summer about long-distance relationships (girlfriend stayed at school for the summer, I came back home to Texas):

1. Visit 60% of the way through for vigorous intercourse.
2. Find something that she does, or likes, or watches, and start doing/liking/watching it. It will give her/you something not awkward to start convos about.
3. Limit all poetry and versed solicitations to one submission per menstrual cycle.
4. Skype chatting is awkward.
5. I’m 20 and in college, so disregard tips 1-4 if you are a valuable and contributing member of American society. I don’t care what anyone says, no 20-year-old is contributing shit to the betterment of this country unless he or she is serving in the Armed forces. I’m mature enough to realize the fact that I’m nothing but a drain on resources. I eat up 60k/yr+ in grants, loans and expenses so that I can get laid, drink and play Xbox while arguing with people about politics and learning things that I could learn myself for free. Any college student that claims to be worth something to our country at the present time is an insufferable asshole.

You’re welcome!

07.08.11 at 1:43 pm

SonOfSpam

@johndewar: How do you feel about Pam?

Of course you need to tell Army guy. One more reason: If skank gets pregnant (or when), he needs to know it ain’t his. Do it, and do it NOW.

07.08.11 at 1:55 pm

littlegreen pea

Calloused thumbs – find a job where you commute. 1.5 hours each way in a car provides a lot of alone time. I know it could sound like I’m nuts, but you can listen to whatever shit you like (books, music, talk shows) and you can’t respond to texts. The driving part sucks though

07.08.11 at 2:35 pm

mick

@ Calloused thumbs,
I have devised a diabolical ingenious plan. Hear me out. Start by extending the time you respond to her texts. At first let 5 minutes go by. Then the next day make it 6 or 7 minutes. Do it GRADUALLY. Before long she will be waiting for your text responses 15 or 20 minutes. Eventually she will be CONDITIONED to wait for your texts and you won’t feel like you are being hounded.

calloused thumbs: does she really have such a thin skin? Can’t such a thing be addressed is a semi-joking-no-but-I’m-not-joking way? I feel like most of my friends, past girlfriends and current wife (and myself) can take some good natured ribbing about weird things we do. Why does it need to be a serious come-to-jesus sit down?

And excessive texting is womanly. This is not up for debate. Our texts should be infrequent, terse and typically declarative. No small talk.

and tell the GI. You will never regret this decision. Stand tall on Veteran’s Day knowing you did your part to serve a vet. Also, I demand an update on this.

07.11.11 at 11:13 am

tupa2keyshawn

If I understand the Pam scenario properly, she met dude and eloped immediately or was it that they dated for a while and then eloped before he set sail? If it’s the “whirlwind and elope” scenario then, yes, Pam is a bitch but, well, isn’t the GI kind of a dipshit too for marrying her? As far as BwJ goes, it’s none of his business. Does he even know this guy or owe him anything? People are quick to talk about idealistic scenarios (i.e.–“I would do this and tell him”), but talking about blowing up a family and actually blowing up a family are too different things. In this case, it’s blowing up two families since you don’t know how the marriage shakes out, maybe in the end the whole things works like a charm or they divorce without his help. As far as the sisters, does this guy even know how long his own relationship with Debbie will last? If not, then don’t go fucking around in sibling business. Let them fester their own dysfunction. Not your job and your name ain’t Capt. SaveAHoe but could easily be ThatAssholeWhoGotBetweenMeandMySister. I know folks mean well, but the narrative in a family scenario could somehow make BwJ into the asshole glossing over the obvious fuckery of Pam and older douchebag.