"Madame Bitters, Why are You Such a Bitch?" Asks Angry Reader

I've been reading your column since you started posting on theSpoof.com and I am horrified by your "advice". It's not only wrong-headed but some of your suggestions are dangerous and illegal.

Your "advice" is going to hurt someone one day and then what are you going to do? I don't know how you sleep at night.

Sanctimonious in Savannah, GA

Sactimonious:

You want to know how I sleep at night? Really? All right, I'll tell you.

I sleep in a king-size canopy bed on 500 count Egyptian cotton sheets. I surround myself with pillows that are stuffed only with the finest down.

The mattress I sleep on is made from shredded $100 bills and the same foam used on NASA space shuttles. This foam works much better as a mattress on a bed than as insulation on a space shuttle. Or whatever it is that NASA uses it for.

There now. Do you feel better, Sanctimonious?

Oh, you were asking how I can sleep at night with the knowledge I've ruined or ended so many lives.

For the most part very well, thank you. I've always had "guilt issues" and by that I mean that I don't feel any. It's just one of the many quirks that makes Madame Bitters what she is

Now there are some nights when I toss and turn a bit. On those occasions I press a button that's located on my bedside table. It summons Enrique, my 22 year old houseboy. He's always very prompt. He's so good at helping me "relax" that afterward I sleep like a little baby.