Things That Have Reduced Me To Hot Hysterical Tears In The Past 24 Hours

October 05, 2005

Items marked with * have been assigned SUPER BONUS POINTS for happening out in public.

1) The clueless cashier at Babies R' Us who, completely oblivious to the car seat attached to our cart, looked at my belly and asked when I was due.*

2) Guilt over thinking that I'm kind of glad Ceiba isn't around because she really can be a huge pain in the ass. But also guilt over not going to visit her at the vet after her surgery.

3) The news that Ceiba will be put on the doggie equivalent of bed rest for the next two weeks, which is so so sad but OH MY GOD, I'VE BARELY BEEN ABLE TO STAY IN BED THIS WEEK AND IF SHE GETS PAMPERED MORE THAN ME I WILL THROW HER OUT THE WINDOW.*

6) A lactation consultant who, while I was still sobbing over items 4 and 5, proceeded to berate me about all of the following: the pacifier she spotted in my diaper bag, our technique for caring for Noah's circ site, my use of Lasinoh, my choice of breast pump and nursing pillow, our plan to buy a baby swing and my nursing bra from Target. By the time she asked what brand of diaper rash cream we used I could only cower in my chair and tremble in terror.*

7) Strapping myself to an electric breast pump in the living room while Jason feeds Noah formula in the nursery and feeling like a goddamn malfunctioning milk cow.

8) Pumping while Jason feeds Noah formula next to me because after all the various indignities to my body this man has witnessed over the past week, this has GOT to be the one that will guarantee that he will never look at me as a sexual being ever again.

9) Holding Noah after pumping myself dry and watching him turn towards my breast and try to latch on through my shirt and then scream in frustration.

10) Pumping and pumping and pumping and only producing embarrassing tiny amounts of milk each time.

11) Blinding rage at body for producing a baby too big for me to provide milk for. Debilitating fear after realizing just how thin Noah has gotten since dispatched to my care.

12) PUMPING HURTS. HUUUURRRRRTTTTSS.

13) An accidental glimpse of myself naked in the mirror.

14) The first poop from Noah since we've been home from the hospital (formula-induced, of course). The first poop from me since we've been home from the hospital (colace-induced, of course).

15) Realizing too late that I'd let my pain medication wear off completely due to my preoccupation with pumping and obsessing over the loss of Noah's delicious fat rolls.

16) Realizing that OH MY GOD, it's time to fucking pump AGAIN.

17) Noah's cheeks, nose, mouth, neck, belly, hands, feet and bottom.

18) This one face he makes where he looks just like Jason.

19) This other face he makes where he looks just like me.

20) Looking into his face and realizing that everything is going to be okay and that everything on this list vanishes with the slightest sniff of the top of his head.

Comments

listen, I wanted to warn you about that first week, but I was trying not to be an alarmist. I call it Hell Week b/c oh my holy god it was torturous.

Even for a new mom who is breastfeeding with minimal difficulty (although a lot of PAIN)and whose other baby didn't need surgery, it was a time of violent hormonal surges that made me cry the entire week. Just cry, cry, cry.

So if you're having all these OTHER issues to deal with, besides just being a brand new mom and being in pain and never getting more than 90 minutes sleep at a time...then I think you deserve a few nervous breakdowns.

You are doing great - just give it a few days. I'm sorry about the whole breasts not working thing. SAME thing happened to me. I pumped and pumped, got nothin out of one breast, never got more than an ounce out of the other breast. We didn't sleep for 4 days solid. I was starting to hallucinate! Finally realized that millions upon millions of babies have grown up just fine on formula, and I was not a bad mom because I couldn't breastfeed. If you can breastfeed and get the closeness, and then give him a bottle, that's fantastic. Also is great for dad to be able to help.

Also, my boy weighed 9 1/2 pounds at birth, weighed 8 pounds three days later at the doctor's visit. I think all babies do that.

Wow, reading this has made everything come whooshing back to me. I am SO sorry you're going through all of this. First order of business is to drop-kick the LC to the curb. Biotch. Geez. And listen, I pumped for a FULL MONTH and then said screw it - and switched to formula. Ella has been absolutely fine and healthy and brilliant - you've seen the pictures - so don't let anyone make you feel guilty if that's what you end up doing!!!

Enjoy that sweet boy and remember he will be happy and healthy with boobies and/or bottles! If you have a minute, you might check out www.kellymom.com as it is quite helpful with the nursing and not hurtful like that consultant. There is no one more loved than Noah is, so just trust yourself and it will all be good.

This entry made me cry. No, really, it did. It was all, Hellooo, Flashbacks from Hell! With the pumping and the giant baby and the Lactation Nazi (my pet nickname for my nurse, don't miss her!). But you're right - all of it is worth it. Every last second of it.

It will get better! You sound like me 4 years ago. I know it probably feels like nothing is going well but don't worry - every day gets better and pretty soon you'll forget how hard it was. Really - you will! I'm about to go thru it all again soon with baby #2 - I'm due in Oct!

What a cutie!! (Little Noah). LOL about the breast feeding...some day you, too, will think its funny. The first time I pumped (which I found quite complex) my husband said "Eewww, that's not something you'd want to do on a first date".

Sounds like that LC has HER OWN issues. Issues that should get her a BEAT DOWN in the street in front of every person she has ever tried to impress.

Hang in there- I remember those first days too. They SUCKED. Well, more like, there was nothing TO SUCK. But it showed up and was fine. And if it doesn't, oh well. I had to go on antibiotics while I was nursing and dried up (the pumping just didn't do it. And my daughter didn't turn out deformed...

I'm completely new here...I just stumbled across your site after you had the baby, but you've instantly brought me in with the way you write. I had to comment to tell you it's going to be okay. You are going to be the best mother this little boy could ever have. It totally doesn't help for me to say that what you're feeling is completely normal...but maybe it'll help to know that you're not the only one going through this. I had a little boy almost a month ago, also a big guy at just over 10 pounds and I felt horrible that he kept losing weight with me nursing. "Are you sure you're producing enough?" "Do you know how to make sure he's latched properly?" We started supplementing with formula and his weight started climbing, but not before he lost over a pound. I felt guilty at first, but realized I was doing the best thing for him...so we do both still.

Don't feel bad about feeling guilty about Ceiba - I felt guilty about not missing Sierra when she went to live with my friend and her just-as-hyper dog. Mostly I felt relief that she wasn't going to eat everything in sight just to spite us.
You have a new baby that needs all your attention, so even if she were there, she'd be ignored. So at least where she's at she can get rest and attention. :)

Just posting again to apologize, it seems that I've been informed that the comment I posted earlier is considered hate mail, and I didn't intend it that way at all. So, my deepest apologies. All I meant was that it sucks when lactation consultants do that... I've seriously been there.

The Lactation Nazi needs to go back to the farm she came from! No one should criticize a new mom for giving such loving care to their child. If anything you should be commended for doing everything possible to get Noah off to a good start.
Try not to obsess or feel anxious about the B/F. Just try to relax (maybe with a beer) and give yourself a pat on the back for being such a great mom. You are a fantastic mom and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

{{{ hugs }}}
It might take a few days for your to produce enough milk. Make sure you're drinking lots of liquids. Try contacting La Leche League, instead of that nasty Lactation Consultant, if you need more help. I know what it feels like to be hooked up to that pump.

You so need a different lactation consultant! My milk came in slowly and I had to supplement with a little bit of formula, but he was sure ready to nurse as soon as the milk came in. And, my baby LOVES his pacifier. There were days early on where I wouldn't have made it without it because he wanted to suck all the time.

Trust me, the first couple of weeks are the hardest. It will get so, so much better. All of this will be distant memories the first time little Noah gives you a smile.

A guiness for breakfast and one at dinner coupled with fenugreek capsules should do the trick.

I went through it also. You are already an amazing mother. It's so obvious. You love that gorgeous Noah so much and that in itself is more than he will ever need. Shove the LC and try things you want to try and then go from there. You have tons of support from everyone here and that hubby of yours appears to be pretty wonderful also.

I SO wish I had known about the beer thing 10 years ago. Darnit! You new moms get all the best info!

I DO know that beer helps you deal with parenting issues even beyond the age of breastfeeding, like: the first time they fall down and scrape their knee, and trying to potty-train before entering preschool, and the first time they tell you they hate you.

You guys love him to death and that's all that matters! They are pretty tough little guys, even though they are tiny! My son't circ site looked icky, so I put triple antibiotic ointment on it and it looked great after a day. By the way, that was my idea, not the Dr.'s. Sometimes you just have to understand that YOU know what's best for your baby, not the f'ing lactation bitch. My kids both had pacifiers, and are not axe murderers. Besides, my uncle who is a dentist, said that it's a WHOLE lot better than a thumb! So there, lactation lady. By the way, that is about the cutest outfit I have ever seen!

Ok, I know nursing hurts like a BEITOCH!! Just hang in there, it WILL get easier!! It took me about 3 weeks till I hit smooth sailing!! I know what you mean by the pain, toe curling, mind-numbing, pain!! Use the pacifier!! Who cares what that COW said? You don't need your lil big man comforting himself on your aching boobs!! And his precious rolls will return!! They all loose a litte weight in the first few days!! Hang in there!! We are rooting for you!!

First, your blogs crack my shit up. I mean it. It's like we're one in the same. Then, I read your blog about what made you cry days after giving birth, and again, exactly the same as my experience. And the pumping?? It just sucks, plain and simple. But your baby is gorgeous, and your husband is obviously so proud, and you're doing a wonderful job. Congratulations, and for the love of all things HILARIOUS, continue the blogs.

Okay, here comes Olde Mom Assvice from a lurker - I read about your experiences with Noah and I went through exactly the same thing 25 years ago with my son (minus the dog w/broken leg, you poor thing). Tell the lactation consultant to stick the electric pump up her butt and turn it on. The entire concept of lactation consultant blows my mind, like we need a Nursing Nazi? Listen to the advice about the beer - especially a nice nutrient-rich imported beer. It really does help, as does drinking lots of fluids. Beer while nursing will not harm the baby. It was normal midwife advice for millenia. I drank beer while nursing my kids and they are both healthy adults with genius IQs (and a taste for beer). Nurse him whenever he wants, any breast milk he gets is beneficial and actual nursing is far more likely to help your milk come in than that electric breast pump. You are not a cow in a dairy barn. And above all, remember, formula is not toxic to babies, so don't let the Lactation Police scare you. The absolute worst case scenario is you supplement formula if he's hungry, and that will not harm him in the slightest - but I'm betting your milk will come in fine if you substitute an occasional Guiness for that breast pump and get more rest instead of rushing an injured little dog to the vet's office!

I realise I'm post # 142 or some such and really, if you're reading this, you are such.a.good.multiskilling.parent, but for what its worth...
- I had what can only be termed an emotionally destructive love affair with an industrial grade breast pump for 8 weeks with our first little guy, because he was prem, had a blocked nose (literally) and had to recover from surgery blah blah blah. The ignominy of it all was only heightened by the fact he was so small (4pd) and my breasts were/are SO FREAKIN' HUGE. It was a case of - if these massive udders aren't doing their job now, why the hell have I been lugging them around since I was oh, 13??? So - every 3 hours, 15-20 minutes each side, I.was.a.human.cow. Seriously, it's any wonder I'm as mentally unstable as I am now.
But, I perservered (I think I reached the point of no return - in that it was a case of 'there's no way I've been putting myself through this for you now NOT to breastfeed)and ended up being 'one of those women' that breastfed until he was 18 months old. I couldn't do that with #2 because he was 9pd8oz and by 18 months looked like he was in the third grade.
When we finally got him home and I said no more to the bottle comping, I just put off our clinic visit (for weigh in) for a few days. When he was weighed he was the same weight as when we left the hospital about 8 days ealier. I can only imagine how freakin' hungry this poor skinned rabbit had been, and maybe now that's why at 7 he is the epitomy of a grazer, but by God was he a good breast feeder!

I too had a lactation nurse equally as horrific. Remember lactation nurse is the modern equivalent of a Spanish Inquisition interrogator or some such (its the best I can do at the moment) - and while they have the the best of intentions (in wanting you to breast feed your baby) they kills your soul in the process. IGNORE HER.

SO - remember your last comments to yourself - it will all work out, your supply will adjust to what he needs and in oh, 3 months, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.

And as I clock up to 38.5 weeks with #3, with a fundal height of 41cm, still dragging my carcass to work, and a quiet knowledge that this kid ain't moving until it cracks 10pd and is lured out on the whiff of syntocin (or however you spell it) remember, you can throw this all back in my face when it is on the outside and my boobs really do look like rockmelons and it's all gone to hell in a basket.

PS - the only upside of being attached to an industrial breastpump, is that it toughens your nipples so well the chance of a cracked one or blood blisters is dramatically reduced. See, silver lining somewhere...

I know you will never read all the way to this post b/c HELLO! NEW MOM! But I too hold a dark little place in my heart for lactation consutants as I had a similar experience. Dont give up, there is a great chance your milk will come in. A bud lite (yes the nursing books said its ok) and a hot bath did a lot to get me flowing by day 6. Good luck and I pomise it gets easier!!

First of all - Congratulations on your wonderful little boy. Secondly - Beer, yes, my Grandmother's doctor recommended it to HER (back in the 20's) since she was such a tiny woman who had 9 & 10 pound babies. Three times a day she was told to sit and sip a beer. It got her off her feet for a rest and it provided brewer's yeast to help with milk production. I've got my story of problems nursing each of my grown boys/men, there were tears and guilt feelings, but formula and a loving husband got me through it. The boys are strong, tall men and yet I still felt such a rush of emotion after all these years reading about your struggles. I wish all new moms would be given half of the credit they deserve, after all, who, in all of the world loves their new babies more than mom? It's not called instinct for nothing. Much good luck and enjoy, take loads of photos, 'cause tomorrow he'll be asking for the car keys...

Assvice? Probably. So what.
1) Lose the milk nazi LC. Everyone's milk supply is low to start and every baby drops some weight to start. Nurse the baby and supplement with formula. (and ask your pediatrician if what the LC has you doing is OK--sounds assbackwards to me.)

2) Have a beer. Or two. I recommend Sierra Nevada Stout, my nursing beer of choice. In fact, in England, Guiness Stout was originally marketed to new moms to help with letdown (seriously). Plus, even if it doesn't help with your milk supply, it will help with your nerves/stress at this point. Labor/childbirth/first weeks (yes, plural weeks) at home are hell--no one tells you how bad it sucks until you're in the thick of it. Have a drink. It will not hurt Noah. My mom, who's an MD, arrived to help me during the first days at home, toting a six-pack of it. God bless her.

3) Use the lansinoh. All those damn pregnancy books say that your nipples will be "slightly sore" during the first week. If by slightly sore, they mean flesh hanging off of them, then they are right. Use the lansinoh. And, add to your next CVS trip, hydrogel pads (called second skin)--they are for burns but they are a godsend to new moms' nips.

4) When it all gets too much (and it will, daily), keep hugging that absolutely beautiful son of yours (and Jason and Ceiba, of course). That's what I have been doing with mine every day for the past 4 months. It does get easier, though not as soon as you think it should.

Oh Amalah, I'm so glad a sniff of your baby's head takes all that rottenness away. ****hugs***** It will all get better soon. Your milk will come in (usually day 5 to 7) and formula isn't poison. It's okay. You're still a good mommy.

I'm a doctor in my third year of residency, and we just had a lecture today on lactation (by a lactation nurse with more degrees than I have). Several of the things you mentioned were directly addressed today during the lecture. I agree with lots of other posts here - fire that lactation nazi.
#1 - lanolin is *perfect* for sore nipples. It's what they recommend. I don't know why they had a hissy. #2 - there's no need to pump in the first few weeks of learning to breastfeed. It only makes for sore nipples and your milk is going to come in as long as you're getting some stimulation from either Noah nursing or the pump every 4-5 hours. I don't know why they're making you do that.
#3 - Pacifiers don't cause nipple confusion or any other rot like that. Don't worry about it.

I hope that isn't assvice. If it is, I grovel for forgiveness and offer a few more hugs and "it's going to be okay"s. You rock, Amalah, you've been through hell and back. Keep up the great work and thanks for letting us in on your life.

I didn't read the other comments, but I'm sure someone already gave you the tips/info I was going to. I just want to say hang in there. This is such a tough, tough time. THE TOUGHEST that I've experienced so far. We love you.

Amy,
Congrats to you and Jason on your beautiful baby. There is no feeling like being a mom.

Shame, shame on the bad-nazi-lactation-consultant from hell. I had a nurse tell me that my son was going to suffer greatly because I wasn't breastfeeding him, and you know what? He is the best behaved, well adjusted 9yo ever--he has yet to become a pyromaniac or torture small animals. I am breastfeeding my 3mo daughter, and it is not always fun. Don't think it's going to be a series of Madonna and Child moments. Sometimes it will be more like, "Good Grief! Is this kid ready to suck me dry again?"

You do what you need to for your family and tell everyone else to go pound sand. Get some sleep, because you just went through major flippin surgery to bring Mr. Cutiepants into the world, and you need to recover. It will take awhile for you to get back to normal, so don't worry. As long as both your men are happy with you, don't sweat anything else! I've had 2 c-secs, and they aren't real fun.

Delurking to tell you that you are a a great mom and an amazing woman. I have followed your pregnancy throughout as I was due October 6th. I ended up in the hospital just a few hours after you and give birth to a precious boy on 10/1. I KNOW how it feels right now - and my poor puppy didn't break it's leg! Hang in there! Have a good cry and a good glass of wine and look at your precious, precious boy. THANK YOU for the blog!

Your baby is beautiful, and I'm sure that things'll get easier for you. I haven't had children yet, but my mom has told me of all the problems she had and they sound very similar to what you're going through. They got better for her after a week or so. Definitely get a new lactation consultant though.

Hi Amy!
First, congratulations on your beautiful baby boy! I have lurked for a while but never posted until now. Don't worry, this is not unsolicited advice, :-), I just want to say, hang in there! I nursed all three of my boys and I can honestly say that the first three weeks is like booby hell! Get through that and Bob's your uncle. I'm sorry you are having a hard time, this is not, repeat, is not, a refection on your mothering skills. ((Amy)) You are doing great!!

I remember when my godson's mom tried breastfeeding him during the first few days... her milk wasn't in, and he wasn't latching on, and he would just SCREAM that SCREAM that only newborns can scream. I? Ran like hell. Seriously, left the house. I am the worst friend ever.

Not that I would know from personal breast feeding experience, but there are so many trauma stories out there, this has to be common. Hang in there Momalah! And! Hugs for Jason for being such a great dad and husband.

Oh Amy, I'm right there with you Girlfriend. Going through exactly the same thing as you! And I am not sure what to say, but hang in there. It will get better (I think! I hope!)! And I'm glad you listed #20. Sometimes is too easy to forget that one! You are a great mom!

Smelling the child's head will sometimes be the only thing that gets you through. My friend Eric told me to remember to smell the little angel's head well into her teenage years. It's been eighteen months, and it's still all that gets me through some days.

I hope the lactation consultant told you that MANY babies lose a pound or two while waiting on the mother's actual milk supply to arrive. If she didn't she should be fired. You're baby is going to be just fine, and you're doing everything right. This is normal -- he won't die of starvation, the miracle of life and breast feeding is all right there - I'll keep my prayers out there that this beginning is blissful for you guys! He really is gorgeous!!!

Oh, please, Amy, don't obsess over nursing Noah. I've been there and I can tell you that babies fed formula do JUST FINE! Give it a chance, but if it's not working, don't berate yourself! You will have plenty of chances to berate yourself over your parenting, don't let this be a problem.

Just don't forget #20 on your list! Also, nursing sucks for the first few weeks, but if you can stick with it, it will be SO rewarding. It's such a special mommy-baby time. (It also gives you an excuse to sit & do nothing - "Sorry, I'm nursing the baby.")

Oh, This post brings back bad memories of my ds and his first month. I look back and shudder. He was a teeny rabbit and lost so much weight that it took 3 weeks for him to get to birthweight. I struggled with the poor latch, poor supply, hormones and sleep deprivation. The others have given good advice but bottom line is you do what you have to do to make yourself happy.
I ended up pumping for over 18 months but I needed to supplement at the beginning (and the guilt over that is amazing) and I did it with the help of domperidone (I'm Canadian). It was just sheer pigheadedness that made me persist that long. I am now pregnant with ds #2 and I will not hesitate to supplement and I will not pump that long. Just another life lesson. I look at my 3 year old son and see a delightful child and the breastmilk he got is a long ago memory.

When you are ready for more assvice about pumpng I am more than happy to supply the info in cluding types of pumps and good internet support groups (rent a meddela symphony if you can and get the right sized cups/horns...pumping shouldn't hurt). The key to getting a good milk supply is efficient milk removal not just nipple stimulation.
Noah is a beautiful baby...congratulations!

So many people have posted now I doubt you will even read this or need to read this. But I have been there as well with the L/C. So mean spirited. She did get to me and I cried for hours. I gave up on breastfeeding right then and there because of her.

Dont give up sweetheart! You are doing great! It will all work out and there are so many people that adore you and your little man. I really hope tomorrow is a better day for you. *hugs*

Amy....
Oh my gosh, you poor thing!! This is my first post ever, but I have been reading for awhile. Am not a mother, but am a nurse, and I'm tellin ya...that lactation consultant - she should be strung up by her toes and beat with electric breast pumps. That was mean, incorrect, and totally unnecessary what she did. You're doing great!!! I promise you that you are. Even though it may have been the most hilarious thing I've ever read regarding the first few days of motherhood, it still looks all normal to me. Many blessings to you and your beautiful family -

I have a theory. All women who have given birth must sign a contract stating they will not tell non-mothers the truth about child birth and the first week. It must be so or the world would not be populated. We must answer, "Yes, it's hard, but you forget it all when you look at your baby for the first time." I guess you plan to be sued? Or maybe you forgot that you signed the contract? :) Must be the percoset...

It seems we've all basically had the same experience with "lactation consultants"

I absolutely promise promise promise, cross my heart, hope to die, that the nursing gets better...and easier. My first two weeks were hellish but I went on to nurse my daughter until her first birthday.

As to the pumping issues, if you can, try to nurse from one side and pump from the other, at the same time. With the baby nursing, your milk flow will be stimulated and you'll be able to pump more and you'll have more and round and round it goes.

Most important is to try to get enough rest and make sure you're eating enough and drinking enough water. Everyone told me to nap when the baby naps and that worked for me.

So what if the house is messy or that you're in the same pajamas for two days...the world will not stop.

Take some pressure off yourself and enjoy your beautiful son and husband. The rest will all fall into place.

Oh, God bless you. You know, I don't even remember clearly what happened the first week home with my oldest, but I remember I felt JUST LIKE you sound here in this post. What to say? The finest gold/silver/steel is refined and forged only through the fire. All the best to you three.

Oh, God bless you. You know, I don't even remember clearly what happened the first week home with my oldest, but I remember I felt JUST LIKE you sound here in this post. What to say? The finest gold/silver/steel is refined and forged only through the fire. All the best to you three.

Oh, God bless you. You know, I don't even remember clearly what happened the first week home with my oldest, but I remember I felt JUST LIKE you sound here in this post. What to say? The finest gold/silver/steel is refined and forged only through the fire. All the best to you three.

Oh, God bless you. You know, I don't even remember clearly what happened the first week home with my oldest, but I remember I felt JUST LIKE you sound here in this post. What to say? The finest gold/silver/steel is refined and forged only through the fire. All the best to you three.

Hugs to you, Amalah! I had the same problem when I had my oldest. He was two and a half weeks early, and only six pounds. I STILL couldn't breastfeed. I felt defunct and pissed off and when he started dropping weight so fast, I was sure they'd take my baby from me. But remember that babies CAN drop up to like 1/3 of their weight in the first week after birth (not remembering if that's the right amount or where I heard it, but I know it was from a Dr. or a Nurse when I was certain my baby was wasting away). Know that it'll get better soon!

Awwww....c'mere...let me give you a big hug. Delurking to say that it's all going to be alright. I promise. I've done it three times and each time, it turns out ok.

Find a better lactation consultant asap. Better yet, find an after-birth doula who is also a lactation consultant and have her come over, do the laundry AND gently help you with nursing.

Nursing is hard. It's not all Hallmark moments and cheesecloth portraits of a glowing mother staring lovingly down at her child sucking contentedly. It'll be worth it. And if you do have to give him formula, that too will be alright. My oldest was on formula and my two youngest got breastmilk - as far as I can tell - they're all alright. (you know, other than the tendency to put the food that's supposed to be going in their mouths on their faces, in their hair or on the floor)

Wow. The comments contain a lot of vice, both ad- and ass-. (And a lot of nice personal stories, too.) Just a long-time lurker here, wishing you the best. I'm glad you finally have your Noah, and I'm sorry it's so difficult right now. I've been re-reading your archives recently since I've been bored at work, and you kick ass, so I have no doubts that you will make it through all of this with flying colors.

Mother of three here (3yrs, 1 1/2 yrs & 1 1/2 yrs all girls), Frema introduced me to your blog. Your post moved me to tears. It took me back to how heart broken I was that I wasn't able to figure out how to nurse my twins after being so proud that I nursed my first child for nine months. Your hurt, caring, frustration and tears I feel you. Every child, every mother - very different. No advice from me.

Amalah - You can do this, baby. Your breasts can, too. It's not even been a week. Your supply has not evened out even remotely close to the point where someone should tell you that you don't have enough milk. Get a REAL LC. Don't give up, ok? And don't beat yourself up, either. Lots of people (self included) give birth to monstrously big babies and are more than able to bf, and you can, too. Please no one think i am bashing supplementing, as i am NOT, i just think it's early in the game to recommend that. But that is a doctor's immediate go to advice, often without cause. Good luck, sweetie.

OMG, I am so glad the MUSE got me to read your site. I dont have any kids, but recently married, so of course that is the next thing everyone asks is "when you gonna have babies?"
Reading your site i think prepares me for the real thing....the stuff no one tells you about. We're not having kids anytime soon, but I LOVE reading about your "adventures"..in motherhood.

No time to read all the comments so I don't know if this has been said yet. If so, sorry for a repeat.
1) The size of your baby has nothing to do with the amount of milk you make.
2) Don't give up on the pumping. As your supply increases it'll feel less and less frustrating.
3) Your husband will get used to it and if you don't isolate yourself you won't resent the pump as much. When I moved my pump out of the bedroom and into the living room it helped a TON. (plus that's where the tivo is... ;-))
4) To ease the pain of the pumping put some olive oil on your nips before you apply the horns. This helps to lubricate and GREATLY lessens the pain. Plus olive oil has antiseptic properties helping with whatever cuts or cracks might occur.
5) check out the iVillage Exclusively pumping suite. It's offers FANTASTIC support (even for people breastfeeding and pumping) and has great tips.
6) Your baby is ADORABLE and you sound like a wonderful mom. That lactation consultant is a b**ch.

In regards to #8...you might be thankful of that after you realize that after having a baby stuck to you all day, the last thing in the world you want once you put him down for the night is someone else pawing at you :-)

Hang in there sweetie, the first couple weeks home are the worse. Worse than labor, I think.

My first one was born via an emergency c-section too. The cute resident who did the c-section was also a new dad and was a real sweetie. He hung out with us a fair bit in the following days in my hospital room, and let us know that the first 2 weeks home were a real killer, but that once you get past the first 2 weeks things become bearable (and gradually better).

Those were some of the most useful words I heard! I hung onto his words like a mantra, and they helped me get past the huge hump of brand-new motherhood.

Also, I used a pacifier (broke it out of the wrapper at 2:00 am first night home) and my son was an avid nurser despite loving his pacifier. He would have stay attached to the boob all day long if I let him, but when I couldn't take it anymore, he was fine with the pacifier. Plus, it helped keep my sanity.

I second the previous comments about:
1) drinking a great dark beer
2) happy mom = happy baby
3) getting a new lactation consultant
4) letting Noah nurse from the boob instead of using the pump all of the time (only if you want to)*

* potential assvice: it can be a heck of lot more rewarding to nurse instead of pump. Cuddling and looking down at your newborn, instead of staring off into space while holding those cones up to your boobs for x minutes at a time. I mean, if they're worried about his intake, why not let him nurse, and THEN Jason feeds him some formula? I understand of course, that there are good reasons to pump, too. Just a thought from a previous nursing mom, who pumped a lot, too.

I can't imagine any problem with Lasinoh or Target nursing bras. Geesh.

Looks like the lactation consultant needs to be concerned about the thousands of internet people who are planning to meet her in the parking lot outside the hospital...

Lots of women have breastfeeding difficulties early on- a good friend of mine had a terrible time of it in the beginning, but they worked through it and her son has grown up perfectly well. He's now the most beautiful and intelligent child you'll ever see other than your own. ;)

Yes, I agree with all of the above. Get rid of the lactation consultant immediately!!! She needs to be catering to you and telling you what a great mom you are- instead of critizing you on every little- there are enough people out there for that.

Those first few weeks are very difficult, I know, I remember- but you will make it through- we all do. Also, don't feel guilty about breastfeeding. I and most of my friends had many problems with breastfeeding. For some reason, even though it is supposed to be the "most natural thing"- it is very difficult. Formula fed babies turn out just as fine. If you are happy, Noah will be happy. Do what is best for you and do not feel guilty about it or let anyone make you feel that way.

Lactation consultants are evil. I decided this when I had my first child, 4 years ago. Crazy bitch actually told me that nursing should feel "GOOD". RIGHT? Like having this intensely crazy sucking on your nipples feels good? Felt more like razor blades to me, for the first 4 weeks. One of my chairs at home STILL has claw marks on it, from me clawing it, as she latched on each time!

Hope it's all better now! It does get easier, but only after the lactation consultant gets hit by a bus!

The Toys R Us clerk should have known better. After I had my son I went through a few months of bad postpartum depression. Logically, I sought help from my psychiatrist (isn't the first time I needed antidepressants) who on my second visit looked at me and asked when my baby was due. I explained his mistake since he had been treating me for POSTPARTUM depression.