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40 The games Imperial Britain bequeathed to the world are an eccentric legacy of empire – perhaps the most curious of all overlords’ leftovers. That package includes, of course, those games’ attendant rules and mores, which are an absurdist bundle to boot. Try, if you can, to take an objective look at them: Cricket (chucking rocks at one bloke’s head, while all his mates sit relaxed on deckchairs, well removed from the firing line); soccer (no hands, except for one luckless bugger who has odds severely stacked against); rugby (heads up other fullas’ bums, but no tickling, and no teeth, mind – it’s un-manly); badminton (whacking the living daylights out of an innocent tuft of feathers); squash (an unpadded cell); lawn bowls (um…); in the wind Play up, and play the game tennis (well this one would be almost acceptable, if it wasn’t for the Russian girl’s squealing – now hold that thought); and then there’s the ultimate challenge to equanimity, golf (a mowed lawns fetish coupled with outlandish men’s fashion and white dimpled balls, which are uniquely disobedient). That’s what we’ve got to thank the British Empire for. This I got to thinking while traversing in wide zig-zag fashion, a mashie golf course with my cousin yesterday. Even though they were short holes, and my cousin advisedly warned me against belting the ball with all my might (a temperamental predilection I have when addressing said white dimpled thing), I still managed at times to end up further from the hole than I started. There is much symbolism in that – and not all to do with being a scatterling of the British Empire, either. And we should be grateful for this gift of games – for it has been a peculiarly gen- 14 June 2012 erous gesture to an admittedly bemused world. The bundle of games has shown us the outer limits of silliness that humans are capable of; and in doing so afforded us an inimitable perspective on the great cosmic joke of living. The British, bless them, have given us genteel madness, and allowed us to revel in it unashamedly. And I think this is not a bad thing. Back to the thought – or rather, the squeal – you were holding. This particular thought leads us to the generosity of the Poms’ great gift. For as the Russian girl demonstrates, the British have offered up these treasures, and have selflessly allowed their former dominions to henceforth and forever dominate on the field of play. Is this to make up for all the unjustices of colonialism, we wonder? But hush, let us have no such negativity or seriousness intrude upon this diversion. The Brits, bless them again, let us win at their silly games. All this is quite unlike the Americans. Their sports, baseball and ice hockey have never been adopted globally. Probably because they don’t quite have that lunacy quotient. And so they must resort to ‘World Series’ competitions (where Puerto Rico and Cuba make up ‘the rest of the world’) or lose at ice hockey to the Canadians. Bugger ice hockey and baseball. I’d rather we play the ridiculous games the British gave us and keep thrashing them at these odd pursuits, too. • Dining guide RESTAURANT . THE WINE BAR . CELLAR DOOR FRIDAY & SATURDAY Lunch & Wine Tastings from 12pm Degustation Dinners SUNDAY Our Italian Long Lunch DAILY Tasting & function for 10+ by appointment RESTAURANT: Lunch: Fri, Sat & Sun from 12noon Dinner: Friday & Saturday from 6pm WINE BAR open 7 Days for Lunch from 12 noon CELLAR DOOR open 7 days 11.00 to 5pm 12 Nick Johnstone Drive, Oneroa, Waiheke Island ph 09 372 5889 www.cablebay.co.nz Tel 372 2148 or email info@podericrisci. co.nz Bookings essential