Proof yet again that I am totally not photogenic. Awesomeness like mine obviously breaks cameras. And mirrors but that is another story.

One of Too’s friends thought she was paying me a compliment when she said ‘You look so cute when you smile and your eyes go all like SQUINTY and tiny and stuff’

Yeah. Thanks for that.

Last week I had to have my work photo updated for my ID.

I managed to dodge all the regular photo sessions over the last YEAR but eventually I HAD to get it done or I wouldn’t be allowed in the building.

Well LEGALLY anyway.

And I don’t have the right shoes to scale concrete walls to the second floor balcony.

So a photo session was booked. Just me and two blokes trying to operate a camera that they clearly had never looked at before.

The usual is point, shoot, get the fuck out of there.

Oh not for me. Twenty minutes and TEN pictures later I was back at my desk wondering how bad they could possibly be for it to take TEN GOES to get it right.

Fast forward to today when one of the Facilities dudes arrives at my desk (I didn’t even KNOW that they were allowed OUT of their area, so to say seeing him was a surprise is an understatement) and wants to chat with me.

‘Um, Kelley, I think we need to set up another time to take your picture. They didn’t turn out well’

Now for a BLOKE to look at a picture – after photographing 300 other people – and think ‘yeah, no… this picture is BAD’ is a pretty big achievement. ESPECIALLY when said dude took NINE EXTRA PHOTOS.

Now, in my defence, they had NO CLUE how to operate the newly purchased camera and the BEST shot was half in shadow… but the half that wasn’t looked like I had spent the last couple of months decomposing on the bottom of a lake.

Bloated and blotchy.

Seriously, THAT is not what I see when I look in the mirror.

I see awesomeness, and fabulousness and rainbows and well… NOT THAT.

I need me some lessons in posing for the camera before Friday. Cause the dude has booked a room for my next photo shoot and basically if you can see my face that is what is going on my ID that I will have to carry EVERYWHERE.

God I love this. I get (excuse me Asian buddies) Asia Eyes when I smile. Big puffy cheeks that shoot up towards my forehead, making my eyes close all squinty like. If I try and combat that, I look deranged. I think I prefer deranged.

Screw it, Kel, let loose the Nun Biatch from Hell on their arses.
Then they’ll welcome Saint Kelley.
“…Bless me, Mother Kelley Superior, for I have sinned, I failed to buy you chocolate, coffee and margaritas….”
You know how to wield a whip, don’t you…? 😛

They are obviously incompetent camera dudes, because you look like a total babe in that nun picture.
But I know how it is. I’m supremely handsome, but in my passport and drivers licence photos I look like a terrorist. Meh.

I don’t know if your co-workers could handle it or not… but I’m guessing they wouldn’t buy it. 😉
When you get your picture taken don’t look straight at the camera, but just right above it and RELAX. I take bad pics too, but I think I am most successful when I’m not really trying too hard to concentrate on looking not horrible.

My second and third chins tend to take over my face when I have pictures taken. I have to get a new picture taken for my drivers license before my birthday next month. You know those suck no matter how many chins you have.

First, they’re obviously incompetent boobs who don’t know how to use that fancy camera.

Second, and only to give them a hand because they clearly need it, take Amanda’s advice one step further, head to ye olde bathroom or other area with a large mirror and pose, pose, pose, Capture them on camera phone or point and shoot. Practice the smile, the angle of your chin, your eyes (or maybe that’s just me, I have a droopy eyelid and so most of my pics are either lopsided or I look like a crazy, wide-eyed psycho) Once you get what the right pose feels like you’ll be able to duplicate it.

I hear you. I hate having my photo taken. And then I feel awful because when I was a journalist and specialised in ‘real life’ stories, so many peeps who had lost their Mums regretted that Mum was always behind the camera and there were very few of her. So I do occasionally grin and bare it … so to speak. I wish someone would photoshop the hell out of my photos though, I could do with being wrinkle-free and thinner!