Summer Camp Blues: Homesick or Kidsick?

By Anusha Shrivastava

For the third year in a row, our 13-year-old has gone for a week-long squash camp about an hour’s drive from our home.

The first year he went, we dropped in mid-week to make sure he was doing okay. It was, after all, the first time he was away for more than just a sleepover.

Last year, we just called him a couple of times to check if he needed anything.

This year, my husband and I texted him six messages each, finally getting this response: “I’m fine.”

No note on how his matches are going or if he was eating three meals a day or, more importantly, if he is staying hydrated (the dorms at the university are not air-conditioned and it was 99 degrees the day we dropped him off.)

I realize I’m not alone in worrying about my son while he’s at camp. But could my worrying be making things worse?

According to an article in yesterday’s New York Times, my own anxiety could heighten my son’s homesickness. One school psychologist, Christopher Thurber, told the Times: “’Parents who express ambivalence — well-intentioned, loving parents who say, ‘Have a wonderful time at camp, I don’t know what I’ll do without you,’ could foster worries and preoccupying thoughts in children.”

He continued, “Instead, acknowledge that people who love each other do miss each other when they’re separated — but show confidence that it’s possible to cope and enjoy the time apart.”

The XX Factor at Slate.com also picked up on the summer-camp thread. XX’s Cassie Murdoch quoted Peg Smith, the CEO of the American Camp Association, who said: “It’s not the kids who are homesick. It’s the parents who are kidsick.”

Murdoch writes:

Parents should be concerned about…their own need to be constantly connected is teaching their precious campers. Part of the point of camp, after all, is for kids to experience independence and learn to enjoy being away from mom and dad and the comforts of home. If parents are constantly checking up on kids, it defeats the purpose of sending them away.

As for me and my son, we’re still working on our summer separation.

Three days into the camp, I called him and asked what would be a good time to chat with him.

“I’m not really free,” he said. “We are busy all day.”

What about the 10 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. slot when the kids are supposed to unwind in their rooms before lights out, I asked.

“That’s in theory,” he said.

“And in practice?”

“We are all playing cards,” he said.

So, it looks like he is doing just fine. He’s managing quite well without my calls and text messages. And I’m settling down too.

Next week, he leaves for camp for three weeks. Something tells me I’m not going to be calling or texting all that often.

Readers, how frequently do you contact your children when they go away for camp? Are you more homesick than they are?

Comments (5 of 41)

DS went to week-long overnight scout camp this summer. Scoutmaster set very clear and strict rules for all, especially parents about contact during the week. No cell phones at camp, no good-night calls, no checking in, no stopping by to visit (90 minute drive not prohibitive distance). DO send along a letter a day for mail call, come by on Wednesday night (1/2-way point) for the cook out, feel free to call the camp office, occupied 24/7 for emergencies.
I was very sure my boy would hardly think of us, my DW, not so much, but she agreed to go with this program and it worked out great. (I was wrong, too: he did think of us - wrote us a (required) postcard home!)
These homesickness prevention rules fit in with our parenting philosophy: Our children are God's greatest creations ever and are the most precious people in the whole wide world, AND they are just like everyone else and will be just fine.

4:30 pm July 12, 2012

Kaymack wrote :

Happily my sons go to a traditional summer camp in northern Michigan at which cell phones, iPods, etc. are not permitted. My oldest son went for the first time 4 years ago when he was 10. I mised him, worried about him (there were a few tears when we left him; he had never seen the camp prior to that day or knew anyone there), but knew that he was in great hands and would have a fabulous week. I knew that his transition into the life an enthusiastic camper would be easier without calls, texts or emails from home. Now he is there for his fifth and final year and his younger brother is there for his second year. I hope that decades from now my boys will still be able to send their kids to a camp where they will be free from electronic interference.

1:42 pm July 12, 2012

NYLibgal wrote :

Lark, I grew up in Montreal until I was 11 and then returned for 4 years in college. There is definitely snow in the winter. I didn't ski any there but from what I've heard Tremblant is a good choice. I'd actually go in February. I agree with Ratgirl's suggestion that if you are not going to ski, Quebec City is a better choice. There is the Carnivale celebration some time in February, I believe. I went there once while I was in college and it -20 Celsius the whole day. But we stayed till the bitter end to watch the Bonhomme in the parade. They also have lots of activities relating to sugaring off etc.

1:30 pm July 12, 2012

zzzzzz wrote :

"while they are still young enough for it to have that *wow* factor"

They don't need to be kids for that.

In the years right after college, I'd be part of a bunch of friends, mostly from my home state, that got together for a ski trip every Thanksgiving weekend. There were always people on those trips that had never seen snow before, and there was definitely the "wow" factor for them, especially when there'd be a big dump while we were there, which seemed to happen every year.

1:25 pm July 12, 2012

ratgirlny wrote :

I think when people on this blog talk about sleepway camp, they are talking about the multiweek variety. That is why I made the distinction. There just seems to be this idea here that you HAVE to send your kids away for a month every summer, and I wonder if that idea has actually taken hold across the country, or if it is just a NYC thing.

When I was growing up, kids only did weekend camps - Scouting, or even more commonly, church related. I always went to daycamp, with one overnight per session. I can't imagine my parents affording anything more than that. I was a counselor at a YMCA camp that had weeklong sessions, kind of like you are describing, but it was mainly a place for kids in the foster care system, as well as kids of very overloaded working class families who had no other summer childcare options. It was horrific - in the evenings we counselors would head in one direction to smoke illicit things, and the kids in the cabins would head in the other direction to smoke the same illicit things.

About The Juggle

The Juggle examines the choices and tradeoffs people make as they juggle work and family. The site provides readers with news, insight and tips on parenting, workplace issues, commuting, caregiving and other issues busy readers with families face. It is also a place for readers to share and compare their own work-and-family experiences and to seek advice and recommendations. The Juggle is includes regular contributions from other staffers at the Journal. Contact the Juggle with ideas or suggestions at thejuggle@wsj.com