Guess the Holiday TV Movie Plot!

There are a record number of made-for-TV holiday movies this season on channels like Hallmark and Lifetime and Spike, but who has time to watch them all? We certainly don’t, and yet we’re curious about them. So we’ve come up with what we think the plots of these holiday movies are based on solely on their titles and promotional photos. Please enjoy.

‘The Christmas Heart’

Hallmark

Todd and Janeane never wanted to have twins, but when Janeane got pregnant with Danny and Manny 8 years ago, they decided to give it a whirl. Now Danny has been called on a special mission: Manny needs a heart transplant, and only Danny’s will do. (He was never their favorite anyway.) With the help of Old Frank and Jerry, the wise-cracking best friend, will Danny remember the true meaning of the holidays and sacrifice himself for his way cooler brother?

‘Help for the Holidays’

Hallmark

In this sure-to-be holiday classic, Santa has been magically transported to an underwater kingdom and tasked with giving makeovers for the holidays. He’s just about to improve the life (and split ends) of a 12-year-old Canadian girl named Lissa when OH MY GOD THAT’S RIVER TAM! Somehow ‘Firefly’s’ best kept secret weapon has been unleashed upon Santa’s watery fortress, and is disguised as Santa’s Helper. Will she help this unsuspecting and jolly team to a balletic ass-kicking, or will River remember the true meaning of Christmas?

‘The Christmas Consultant’

Lifetime

You’d better pray to whatever higher power you believe in that you are enjoying the holidays this year, because if you aren’t, we’re sending in The Hoff. In this documentary, David Hasselhoff is sent to the homes of people who have lost their Christmas mojo so that he can cram it down their throats. A heart-wrenching, can’t-look-away movie event.

‘Matchmaker Santa’

Hallmark

How much would you pay for a family that isn’t completely terrible? That’s what Santa wants to know in this joyful romp about tradition, love and money. Santa shows up at Deanna’s house to offer her the chance to trade in her catatonically depressed sister, shallow son and his cruelly vapid wife for a family that doesn’t spend most of the holidays shrieking or glaring at each other.

‘Hitched for the Holidays’

Hallmark

It was a whirlwind romance for Tommy and Rachel. They met in March, moved in together in July, and got engaged in September. Their friends said “You’re moving too fast! You haven’t even been together a year!” but they ignored their friends and decided to get married on December 28th. That’s when Tommy learned the truth about Rachel: she was Jewish. Why did he not know? Why is that weird? Will he be able to forgive her? Will she be okay with his non-Jewishness? Find out in this light-hearted, slightly racist romp.

‘It’s Christmas, Carol!’

Hallmark

Carson Kressley, formerly of ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,’ has had it up to here with his friend Carol. SHE JUST WON’T BELIEVE THAT IT’S CHRISTMAS. I mean, he’s decorated the house a little, he put a couple of balls on that tree, he put some candy canes on the fence, he even put out two toy soldiers! What’s it gonna take to make Carol believe that Christmas is coming? Mostly Carson constantly reminding her that “It’s CHRISTMAS CAROL!”

‘Naughty or Nice’

Hallmark

Vampires are hot! This holiday season, get ready for a very bloody Christmas! Laura is the oldest, scariest vampire in the world, and every Christmas, if she doesn’t kill a dude that’s been named on a list, she will be forced to die herself. (That’s her contract there in her lap.) The problem? She is falling in love with the dude named in her weird contract! Will she be naughty or nice? This year, the holidays suck!

‘The Wishing Tree’

Hallmark

It’s Christmastime at Mogwarts! Join best friends and magicians Barry Lotter, Don Beasley, and Chermione Pranger on this not-at-all-copyright-infringing holiday adventure that takes place in a world where magic is real– and that can really be any magical world! No one owns magic!

It’s been a tough year at Mogwarts, and the kids notice that their favorite teacher, Professor Stape, seems lonely. He keeps writing love letters to his long-lost Maggle (non-magical) girlfriend and placing them on the Christmas tree, because in magical worlds, you can use Christmas trees to grant wishes! Will Barry, Don and Chermione find the right spell to bring Stape’s girlfriend back from the dead? Will J.K. Rowling ever drop her lawsuit?

‘Christmas Song’

Hallmark

Detectives Billy and Belinda are partners at XMas Files HQ, where they investigate Christmas-related crimes and mysteries. It’s been a long, dark, cold winter, full of murders, abductions, and possessed Nutcrackers, but Billy and Belinda are up for the challenge as they get to the bottom of the biggest conspiracy of all: Just who is this Santa Claus fellow and where does he get his toys? Also, at some point they sing a song. Crime doesn’t take a holiday.

‘Holiday Spin’

Lifetime

After Blake’s mom dies in a horrible accident, the dad he never knew shows up and decides to take him to Miami. Dad owns a dance studio, and one of his dancers, Pia, is competing in the Holiday Spin with Rob, the town’s best dancer. (The Holiday Spin is a holiday-themed dance competition.) After Pia rejects Rob’s advances, she’s left partnerless. Enter Blake (remember him, from earlier?) Blake partners up with Pia to dance for their lives.

Okay, we cheated — this is the actual plot summary for ‘The Holiday Spin.’ We couldn’t come up with anything more insane than this.

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