since i have even looked at this site, much less posted, not that anyone reads these, but you know sometimes it is nice to get these things off your chest. I am in a kinda weird mood, not depressed, not happy, somewhere in the range of contentment i guess. its kinda funny, when i think back to the years past, sometimes i miss those days of ignorant bliss. I miss the days when i didn't worry about money, or how i was going to pay for my next car payment, or if my client was going to get their furniture in time for thier freaking 4th of july party, which i got invited to but couldn't go to because i had to work. Back when my mom still loved my dad, and when i still got to come home from school to a happy home, when my biggest concern in life was wether i was going to pass my math test on friday. Everything is different now, harder, stressfilled, taxing. but the weird thing is, i wouldn't change it, with all the shit that i have dealt with in the past four years, the only thing i can say is that i guess it has made me stronger. When my parents got divorced it hit me pretty hard, and i was a wreck for a while. In a matter of days i found out that my mom was leaving my dad, and my sister was leaving Brandon. Well you could have just dropped a bomb on me cause it couldn't have done more damage. For so long i had just thought that my life was perfect, my parents loved each other, i had a cool navy brother-in-law, he was my first brother and i liked him, i had a sweet car and great friends who i thought i would have forever. but in an instant everything changed, parents divorced, jamie and brandon divorced, car too expensive, friends move away, life changes and it is hard to get used to, especially when everything has always been so status quo for you. shortly after things got really tough, thoughts of suicide where commonplace in my head for longer than i'd like to admit, i used to drive to work or school in the morning and just wonder; would they miss me, would they cry at my funeral, would it hurt if i drove into that pole or off the side of that bridge. The one smart thing i guess that my dad ever did, was ask me to go to therapy, he thought i was having trouble with his and mom's divorce, little did he know that at the point i was long past that and was quite happy that mom had left, my problems were much deeper. Therapy was good for me though, she pointed out some things to me that i had long since overlooked, and it wasn't long before i noticed a change in myself, no longer shy and quite, like i had become after years of torment in high school, no longer the wall flower, i started forcing myself into the center of attention, and i discovered that i really liked it. I wasn't hot, i wasn't popular, but i didn't care, and i liked it. as time progressed wounds of the past healed and i started to be more of myself. It was sometime in December of 2003 i think, that i told an that i thought i was gay, and to my surprise, she didn't care. it was one of the hardest things that i had ever done, up to that point, telling my best friend, and as best friends do she was there for me and i can never thank her enough for that. with the confidence i gained from telling her i moved forward into a new territory. No longer afraid to tell friends, new comers, people i met at school, work, nothing, yet i was and am still afraid to tell two of the most important people in my life, my mom and my sister. People for years have been telling me that they know already, that they have known for years, and though i believe them and what they say, it still makes it no easier to come out and say, "I'm Gay", i dont know why, i am not ashamed, i don't think any less of myself, but still it makes it no easier. so the only thing i can think to do is to type this and pray that the right people read it. So here is what i have to say...Mom, Jamie, I am gay, i have know for years, as have you, for a long time, i fought it, thinking it was wrong that it wasn't right. But you knwo what, though i am not a christian, i still believe in god and i believe he made me this way for a reason, he made me this way because he knew that there was a person out there, a person waiting for me. and the amazing thing is that i found him, well he found me, in this hige world of billions of people we found each other. And every day i am thankful for that. I have had a few loves in my life and with each i have learned something new, and the thing that i have learned with travis is that the only reason i wake up each day is because i know that i get to see him. I owe my life to him. He found me at one of th worst times in my life, dad kicked me out, i had no where to live, no one to cry to, no one to bitch to, and though i had only known him a short time, he let me do all of those things. He held me when i cried and told me it would be okay, he supported me when i needed supporting, he let me bitch and moan about how horrible my life was and never once told me to shut up, he just let me go on and on. He is my rock, and i believe in my heart that i am alive today beacuse of him. I will never in my life be able to repay him for all that he has given me, because even through the rough times he has stuck it out with me. I love him more than i will ever be able to tell him, but i will surely try. My life has been blessed, i know its funny to hear that with all that has happened, but through hardship i learned who i was and found a person to love, and if i were to die tomorrow, i would die knowing that i had loved and was loved and that my life had been worth living. My only hope is that every person in my life be able to love the way i have, be it only a minute, the love i have is worth it all.

Since the last time i posted on LJ, and i guess there is alot i could say right now but i dont know if i want to type it all out.Most pressing at the moment is the deep regret that i feel for not having spent more time with my best friend Ann before she left for Colorado. I know it might seem a little dramatic, its not like shes dead, but i have no ability to go to Colorado and see her, it was hard enough to make time to see her when she live but 15 miles away. NOw she lives states away. So i am a little depressed. It only just hit me how far indead she is away from here.IN other news Travis and I are still very much in love and i have to admit that without him i dont know if id be here. It has been a troubling couple of years and many things have weighed down upon my emotions and Travis has been my rock. Rubbing my back when it hurt, holding me tight when my heart hurt, and letting me hold him tight when his hurt. I am not a religious person but i have to say that God sent him to me and i am forever thankful.with that i am off to go tell him i Love him more every day.NIGHT ALL

everyone keeps telling me that i have so much to live for, im young and in college and that my life is ahead of me, well im tired of that shit, my life is now, and its not worth a damn, and when he leaves me ill have nothing left, i have nothing right now, im broke, i am overwhelmed with bills, im overwhelmed with school, i havent seen my friends in forever, and i just dont want to do it anymore....so why bother?

i look at all these fotos of all my friends having fun, and the only thing i see wrong is that im not in them (im not the photographer either), fotos online, in albums around my house, and all of my friends and no me. I really wonder sometimes if they even notice the fact that im not there anymore. First ann's moving out party, i wasnt there, had to work, ann's birthday party, no me, now even the we miss Jose get together and im not there, he was my friend too. why dont i get to be a part of anything anymore, so i asked, "why is it that yall always do something on saturday night?" the answer i get is, cause its most convienient for everyone, so i guess that im not included, cause its not convienient for me. i realize now what it is, im not a part of the gang anymore, im just travis' boyfriend and i get to come and hang out, on the odd occasions, but its not a big deal when im there, and its not a big deal when im not....no one calls me, they call travis, i only get invites thru him, but they are always so late getting to me i cant take off work anyway, so i end up not being able to go....i dont even know why i bother anymore. sometime i just wish i had cut deeper the last time...........

...just been a little crazy round here lately, for those of you who don't know already, i now work for the corporate workhorse STARBUCKS, yes i sold out and joined up, i feel like in on the republican side, but hey it kinda pays my bills right now. Other then that lifes been pretty much the same. Same old shit different day. Bills, bills, bills, and ohh i gotta eat...on and pay for school, because you know that since im whiate and not "poor" which i found out is making less than $5000 a year, yes you read right $5000 a year is considered poor, but since i made $7000 last year i dont qualify for government help with school, apparently i need to get 3 fat bitches with no jobs pregnant and quit my job and then the gov will pay for my apartment, school, food, churrin, and i can get that Escalade that i have always wanted. but no since i have values, and ethics, and want to work for what i have, i get shafted by the big ol uncle sam, humm sounds familiar, takes my money doesnt help with my school, leaves me in debt, shit Uncle Sam is my fucking father. Well damn who knew it.....humph well thats enough bitching for now, got on the IHATESTARBUCKS.com website and read what my ex-assistant manager had to read and it kinda just got me fired up about stuff, well i really need to go to bed no since i have to be at work at 530am to open which is in like 4hours and 44 minutes. so nite all and if you live in fucking jax, come and visit me a work, i mean hell ill give you a free drink....

i dont know what is going on but i think ... travis is growing away from me... for the first time since we moved in...travis is sleeping in his room...instead of with me...i dont know what to do other than cry...i was mad at first...but im not mad anymore...im just hurt....i could jump off a bridge right now.

(WE ALL NEED TO DISREGARD THIS ENTRY....I WAS SLIGHTLY MORE EMOTIONAL THAN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN...BUT DONT WORRY THERE ARE NO BRIDGES IN MY FUTURE.....THANKS FOR THE CONCERN THOUGH....)

on how things are going with the apartment.....ii abso-FUCKIN-lutely love it....im finally home and its great.....even the house i lived in with my father didnt feel like home...(flashing back)....okay so it was my freshman year of college at unf...life great and everything...i had a swwet car (2000 Eclipse) that the padre and the madre paid for...a gas card....and the only bills i had were tuition and credit cards....life was great and i definately took it for advantage....so in september of that year(2002) while my sister's husband was out to sea for his 6 month tour...she and i decided to throw a huge bash for my parents 25th anniversary....we planned everything and blew nearly 2 grand on this party...we ordered a real wedding cake ($300.oo)....flowers....alcohol ($1000.oo +) granted there were alot of people there and i come from a large family of beer drinkers...and that amount of beer is expensive....so food and all we spent 2g's...it was beautiful...we held it at my sister's then beach house....at night and my parents renewed their vows between two palm trees lite up with tiki lights...it was beachy and alot of the guests were wearing hawaiian outfits....its was an awesome party...so all is going well im thinking...then in i think november my sister asks me to go to lunch with her at cruisers at the beach (her's and my favorite resturant)...so i meet her there and she tells me she's got news to give me....so tells me that she and Brandon are splitting up...this gets me upset...i liked brandon alot...he was my brother-in-law....but i liked to think of him as my brother....she then tells me that my parents are splitting as well....Okay so now my world is crashing down....my heart stopped...so it happens....one day i come home from school and my parents tell my that my dad is moving out and hes moving into my grandmother's house....well this didnt bother me all that much since i dont and never did really have much of a connection with him....needless to say the next week was pretty strange...then the tables turned...my parents had decided that my dad would move back in but that my mom was moving out...this i was not happy about...but i had no choice in the matter...my mom moved out and everything changed.....my dad became a christian and he became consumed with it....the house started falling into disreapir as he became more and more consumed with his own pursuits....now in the meantime my sister had moved back in with my father and i and the three of us were living unhappily ever after...so not long after that she move out...i think it was about february of 2003...so for the next year and a half my life sucked when i was home...i did everything i could to avoid going home...whatever it meant...i would stay at school until 2am in the mourning just to keep from going there....you see....my only connection with that place was my mother....everything in that house was something that she and i had collaborated on...so everytime i went home i would see things that reminded me of her being there...so the last few months were the worst...my father had become a full flrdged minister....he was completely obsessed....he told me that a prophet in his church said he would meet a younger woman with an accent and they would marry...well he did...he met her on Eharmony.com and within 33 days that got married and he quit his job...abondoned his family....and kicked me out fo the house so that it would sell...i spent near 7 weeks sleeping on ann's sofa and on the weekends at travis' dorm and at my mother's place in fernandina .... and the closest thing i had to a home was the back of my truck where i had a few of the things from my closet....so now....I have a home....oh my god it feels good to say that...HOME....i only wish that i didnt have to hate my father....but i can never forgive him for his actions...and it hurts me to know that my father will never see my first apartment...and that he wasnt there to help me move into it...because i know he doesnt care and never will....I just hope hes happy in atlanta...because he removed all evidence of ever having a past here...and if something were to happen...he has nothing left to come back to...including me...I might be able to be his friend some day...but he has lost the right for me to ever consider him a father...oh well...that it that i guess. and now that i ve said all this...i have no use bitchin about it anymore...i am home now and thats all thats important....IM HOME!!

till we move into our apartment.....yippie skippy... so let me just tell you about my day....so i got to school early today and presented my sculpture that i made last night....its actually pretty cool...its a piece of a tree the part that makes a "y". its mounted to a base and there are ieces of slate that are sticking out of it and on the slate goes candles...all total there are like 15 candles...and when its lit ad the lights are out its really pretty....so i did that and turned it in as my last sculpture today and everybody absolutely loved it....yeah cool...so then after class i went downstairs and joey was loading the reduction kiln, (for glazed pieces) so i decided to mix 2 more glazes, glaze the rest of my stuff and try to get them all into the kiln for this firing, so that i would have enough pieces to give everybody i know at least one pot. So after i finished and we all went to get some food...i went out and asked joey if he needed help loading the kiln and he said yeah...so i started picking the pieces for the shelves and he would put them in...so naturally i would make sure that alot of the pieces are gonna be mine...but i was still being nice and making sure that everybody elses pieces got in...but the fact is, that i helped so my pieces should be more important...so yeah the kiln is divided into three spaces, front middle and back...joey had already loaded the back and i helped him load the middle.. so he had me load the front entirely by myself....it was cool...he said i did a really good job considering it was my first time....all total it took he and i 5 hours to completely finish loading the kiln....and all in all i think i got like 50 something pot of mine in this firing...which is outrageous...so eah for me....only now im tired and my back hurts from lifting the heavy kiln shelves over the fragile pottery without dropping it....So tommorrow they will fire the kiln and hopefully by saturday all my pieces will be out of the kiln and read to be wrapped. Well i dont really have anything else to talk about...so later for now....

UNIQUE --1. Nervous Habits? i tap my fingers, shake my leg, anything that uses energy2. Are you double jointed? all my fingers, thumbs, and toes3. Can you roll your tongue? yes4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? no I can't... :(5 Can you blow spit bubble? yes... but not since like ohhh a week ago6. Can you cross your eyes? yeah7. Tattoos? three, gecko on left arm, frog on left ankle, and aries symbo on stomach8. Piercings and where? currently i have my ears pierced, my right cartilage, and my tongue, i used to have my nipples and a down south9. Do you make your bed daily? i sleep on sofas right now-- CLOTHES --10. Which shoe goes on first? I like to be barefoot11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? yes12. On the average, how much money do you carry in your wallet? credit and debit only13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? travis' wave ring, and my spinny ring14. Favorite piece of clothing? travis' scarf-- FOOD --15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? I twirl them16. Have you ever eaten Spam? no, thank god and my ma17. Favorite ice cream flavor? triple carmel chunk(Ben and jerry's)18. How many cereals in your cabinet? i dont have a cabinet right now19. What's your favorite beverage? sweet tea20. What's your favorite restaurant? Olive Garden21. Do you cook? whenever i get a chance-- GROOMING --22. How often do you brush your teeth? try for at least once a day, right now it doesnt always wrk out that way...23. Hair drying method? air drys in about 3 hours24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair? bleached blond and also red highlights-- MANNERS --25. Do you swear? all the time26. Do you ever spit? ummm....ill just skip that one-- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE --27. Animal? Great Dane28. Food? pasta29. Month? November (thanksgiving)30. Day? any day that im with travis31. Favorite Cartoon Character? nibbler from Futurama32. Shoe Brand? REEFS33. Subject in school? art34. Color? red35. Sport? yoga/sexercise36. TV show? Will and Grace-- IN AND AROUND --41. The CD player? Burned CD42. Person you talk most on the phone with? Travis and My Mom43. Ever taken a cab? yes, in Key West44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors? gotta check the hair45. What color is your bedroom? dont have one46. Do you use an alarm clock? no, i have a Travis47. Window seat or aisle? Window all the way -- LA LA LAND --48. What's your sleeping position? spooning with Travis' leg wrapped around me49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket? yes50. Do you snore? no, but Travis says i do51. Do you sleepwalk? no52. Do you talk in your sleep? nope53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no, i have a Travis54. How about with the light on? has to be dark55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on? i do like having music playing....