You've all heard me here. My dad is 92. Still lives on his own. Is THE most stubborn person I know and if you push him into a corner, he comes UNGHINGED which I personally don't think is healthy at his age. He really should be in assisted living but we do have care that comes in every day. 24 hour in-home care would be cost prohibitive. I thought we were doing pretty good. I'm keeping him happy, letting him stay in his house. I have been asked to attend a meeting at the care service later this week. They said some tough decisions need to be made. I know this will include more care hours / moving dad which he WON'T do. I reached out to one of his doctors who basically told me to hire a professional guardian. My siblings would NEVER forgive me. There is waayyy too much money at stake. I've heard too many horror stories. If I say 'no', can they turn me in? If I am forced to walk away from this, I will walk away from dad for awhile and get my marriage back on track (dad takes a toll). This whole thing is so mentally draining. Maybe I should let someone else do this. I am so sad. This is going to get so much worse before it gets better.

4 Answers

Just to clarify - are you a court appointed guardian/conservator, or are you using the term to mean the powers granted to you as POA?

As for "physically escorting them out the door", many people on the forum have had to use trickery to accomplish the actual move, so you tell him you are going to a new doctor's office or restaurant (take him at meal time) or that you are just popping in for a visit and then run like the wind. I know it sounds awful, but the end justifies the means.

I did talk to the attorney. He said I am doing what I can and that as long as I am getting additional care hours like I am already doing, the court will probably be fine with that. He said we would have to petition the court in order to move him so that could take some time. I also have to have a physican's note, a stipulation that was written into the guardianship per my dad (he fought it). So if you have to move a loved one, what do you do if they won't go? Do you physically escort them out the door? Do we call the police for their help? When we took his car keys last spring, he became so violent that we had to call the police and they handcuffed him and took him to the hospital for 5 days where he was labeled a combative patient. I definitely don't want to go through that again so I typically avoid situations that will get him that angry. Eventually he comes around but it has to be on his terms.

What many on the forum have done when it is placement time is to do it directly from a hospitalization. That is the time when many caregivers also realize the level of care is more than they can or are willing to provide.

OR as CW suggested it require trickery, or call them therapeutic lies. Your profile states dad has age related decline. It sounds like there is some type of dementia involved. Yes?

You owe it to yourself to care for yourself including getting, especially getting your marriage back on track. Follow doctor's orders. Not doing so could get you in trouble. Doing so, you can place some responsibility for placing dad on doc's shoulders. And the guardian will prove to be a valuable resource and assistance to you, in the best interests of your dad. Sibs have absolutely no say in any of this. You are guardian none of this is any of their business. Following doctor's orders and recommendations will never get you in trouble with the court.

You need to develop a thick skin to try to get along with some twisted siblings. The doc and lawyer and judge will back you up. Hold onto that.

Too much money at stake? This is about your dad and the care he needs. You as guardian are required by law to get dad the needed care. His money is for his care. So, go into the meeting with an open mind and listen to them. They are pros and have seen it all. As guardian, you can hire a pro guardian, let them be the bad guy with your sibs, yes it will cost. But would be one way to deal with it. Impartial assistance would be helpful to you and maybe get you off the hook with the sibs. The hired guardian does not have to be a permanent arrangement but limited to assist with decision of placement and a place that will work for him.

Don't let your sibs guilt you into not seeking out assistance with the decision to place him. Stay strong.

As Dads guardian you have the power to place him where he will be safe.

You will need to speak to the lawyer who helped with the guardianship. You had to go to court to be assigned, you may have to go to court to revolk it. Don't be surprised if you can't have it revolked. A lady I know is approaching 80 and has guardianship over a 50 yr old mentally challenged cousin. She is having trouble with the state allowing her to step down.

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