Flash Fiction

Intelligent Zombies

'If you challenge him, you get me.'

Catie stared at him. It took her a long time to answer. Eventually she said, 'We're soldiers, Doc. We don't want you!'

They were standing on the roof of the research building, one in a lab coat and one in camouflage. They looked down on the facility's well kept garden, fenced off from what was left of their world, and was Catie's world still.

'How typical,' said Dr Love. 'Just what I should have expected from the kill first, ask questions later camp. You could really use someone with my brains out there, young Catherine. How do you hope to end this madness if you're only adding to it with your senseless violence?'

'Dr Love,' said Catie. 'You wouldn't last five minutes “out there”. I mowed down fifty zombies to get over here, and now you tell me it's because you can't control one of your own! How do you expect me to take you seriously?'

Dr Love looked sheepish.

'He's not hurting anyone,' he said. 'Only flashing.'

Catie sighed, and once again looked down into the garden. Sure enough, there he was, lurching around in a trench coat and jerking it open whenever a woman walked by. If the woman was a zombie, she didn't take any notice. If she was alive, she screamed and ran away.

'Why are they running away?' asked Catie. 'You really can't be up to much over here if you need a soldier to tackle a flasher.'

Catie grinned at him, picked out an M-4 rifle from her extensive collection and said, 'You need to get yourself some weapons, Doc.'

Before Dr Love could reply, the door flew open, and out stumbled a girl who looked to be in her early teens. Catie whipped round at the sound of her entry, and levelled her gun at the girl's head.

'No, wait!' said Dr Love, and stepped in front of Catie, causing her to lower her gun quickly with a look of fury.

'You idiot!' she said.

'Don't kill her,' said Dr Love. 'She's harmless. Her name is Mimi. She's been relearning speech!'

Catie sneered. 'What a breakthrough for the scientific community.'

'It's amazing!' said Dr Love, possibly missing the sarcasm, or possibly just not caring. 'Watch this. Mimi!' He turned to the zombie, and she blinked at him through big, dead eyes. 'What do you think of BBC Three, Mimi?'

'L-O-L.'

'A cute little hangover from her death era,' said Dr Love, catching Catie's expression, half of disgust and half bewilderment. He, however, was grinning with excitement. 'She netspeaks!'

Catie's lip curled. 'She what?'

'She says other things as well, like, er...'

'L-M-A-O,' droned Mimi. 'B-T-W. I-D-K.'

'Yes!' said Dr Love, nodding enthusiastically.

'Kill it with fire,' said Catie, shaking her head.

'They were all doing it in her day,' Dr Love went on. 'It's an interesting phenomenon, though not surprising. We've got zombies who like looking at books, or stroking tablet computers, or going for a run around the garden...'

'Sure,' said Catie. 'I saw the movies when I was a kid. They retain traces of what they used to like to do, even if they haven't got a Scooby-Doo what it means. So.' She looked down towards the garden. 'I guess our friend there liked to flash when he was alive.'

'I suppose he did.'

'Pervert. Never mind the M-4.' She hooked her rifle to her belt, whipped out a sharp knife and held it in a white-knuckled fist. 'I'll cut off his decomposing little cock!'

'Now, Catherine, please – we just want him subdued!'

'Ha! That'll subdue him if nothing else will.'

'I don't think so. I think it'll make him very cross indeed!'

'Look, Doc,' said Catie, 'I'll do my best, okay? But you know I'll defend myself if I have to. What's one flasher to you, anyway? Isn't this whole building full of... what do you call them? Intelligent zombies? Is your research really going to suffer if you lose one dick?' She smirked. 'Or even the guy attached to it.'

'L-O-L,' said Mimi, watching as the zombie down below flashed another scientist. 'R-O-F-L.'

'The sooner I do this,' said Catie, pulling out yet another piece of equipment, 'the sooner I can get out of here and back into the resistance.'

Rather than walking down the stairs, she shot out a portable zip wire that attached itself to the urinating boy fountain (this happened to amuse some of the zombies) down below. She then stepped up onto the roof's parapet, and a moment later was zipping down the zip line and shouting out her battle cry, 'VIVA!'

Dr Love watched as the zombie opened his trench coat to Catie, while she charged at him with her head lowered and got him into a rugby tackle. Mimi came and looked over the parapet, watching the scene with her staring eyes.

'O-M-G,' she droned. 'Totes amazeballs.'

'Mimi!' Dr Love tore his eyes away from the struggle down below, and stared at the zombie girl. 'You used words! Not proper words, of course, but – ARGH!'

It was quick, luckily for him, because she was sick of the sound of his voice. She jumped up and bit his throat out.

'S-T-F-U,' said Mimi, licking his blood from round her mouth, then diving in for another mouthful. 'Omnomnom. Delish. Fistpump.'