February 22, 2011

We'll come back to New York later because Christopher Kane's collection spoke to me like no other. Like really, really resonated. So intensely, in fact, that I found myself up at 2 AM digging out from under my bed the remnants of an early 2000's bedroom. It was like I'd been possessed by the mesmerizing colors and movement of the Tropical Tie Dye Fruit Roll-Ups that ran along the skin of Kane's models like veins; by the many glistening reflections of each Lizzie McGuire-inspired sequin. It was then that I knew I had found my own truth to Lizzie's greatest moment: this collection is, in fact, what dreams are made of. (As a sidenote: how TRIPPY is that whole double-Hilary thing? It's like Black Swan. It is exactly like Black Swan.)

It started with these different forms of afghan patterns that I didn't love because a lot of it looks very easily thriftable, in fact, I have thrifted a lot of similar afghan stuff (except for that intriguing crocheted leather stuff that was burdened with an awkward color scheme.) I wish that it'd gone more in the direction of the first look which is one of the more adass outfits a person can wear.BUT THEN! THEN we get to lava lamp MAGIC and it's all too hypnotizing for me to care about the olive green leather that was previously showcased. Do you see the Fruit Roll-Up resemblance? I know it can probably most definitely be considered tacky, but that's why it's so great! These lava lamp streaks know they're supposed to be fun and aren't trying to be anything else, that's why they're squiggly! And it's balanced out with some slick black shapes, for the sophisticated woman.But that I am not! So the final looks were my favorites:

Back when I shared a room with my sister I earned some major cred among friends because my room had all the hippest stuff that the middle-schoolers were giving away at their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. This included a lime green inflatable armchair with a frog on it, a fake lava lamp full of glitter, and a lot of smiley face memorabilia. But my favorites were the bead curtains, copied almost EXACTLY above. I have a lot of love for these borderline ugly (in a good way! Always in a good way!) technicolor frocks that accurately represent both how our bedroom looked as well as sounded (regardless of being too young to get to see Josie and the Pussycats, I knew every song.)

Bask in the glory! And please note the collars. I hope they're sold on their own like Miu Miu did that one time.

Way important clutch that, however amazing, is probably not worth the thousands of dollars it will be priced at. Lucky for you, I have composed a simple procedure for acquiring one on your own for way less dough!1) Befriend a nice but hopelessly unhip Jewish family. Wish them a good Shabbos every Friday; attend a Sukkot party if invited. Enter their home with the right kind of Challah. Ask if they prefer Seinfeld or Curb Your Enthusiasm. Mention that a friend of yours has David Axelrod over for Passover every year, and sure, you'd be happy to get them in touch.2) Make sure that the family contains a kid with an upcoming Bar/Bat Mitzvah. This is key. You should also make sure that the parents are out of touch with both their kid and with what the kidz are into these days.3) Since you've been Honorary Jew for a few months now, you will be invited to the kid's Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Attend, tear up at the parents' blessing, make small talk with the distant relatives, and be generally polite and tactful -- until the DJ CONTESTS, that is! Whatever your skill may be -- limbo, hula hoop, dance, or catch-the-money-in-the-suffocating-lawsuit-body-bag-not-unlike-that-scene-from-Matilda (we had this game at mine) -- be ready to show off! You'll look stupider than you have in your entire life, but you must throw these insecurities out the window. Remember what you have that the 12 year olds don't -- your body odor is more controlled, you don't have to worry about going to school on Monday to be reminded of your actions (I KNOW WHAT YOU DID AT JONAH'S BAR MITZVAH: movie event of the year), and you don't plan on ever seeing this family again! They're hopelessly unhip, remember? And because of this, they chose prizes for their kid's Bar/Bat Mitzvah that would've been cool when my big sister was BM-hopping, but are now hopelessly dated. Until Christopher Kane's Fall 2011 collection, that is! So when you go to claim your prize after beating a middle-schooler in musical chairs, pride yourself in the Kane-esque lava lamp pencil case purse that, essentially, really only cost you some small talk and a macaroon canister.