Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Encyclopedia UnAmericana

Nearly 15 years ago, scholar George Thomas Kurian published a massive 1800+ page-long work called The Encyclopedia of the Republican Party, a companion volume to a history of the Democratic Party. And that is precisely what Mr. Kurian's books are: Exhaustive histories of both our political parties up to 1997.

From the start, however, the recent Republican Party's field of presidential candidates have been challenging accepted facts about American history, science, geography and a whole host of other topics and disciplines. This naturally would necessitate, or should necessitate in the interests of fairness and equal time, a separate scholarly volume of facts known only to the Republican Party. Allow me to humbly propose as I present these first contributions of what will no doubt be a massive volume of conservative erudition that this alternate tome of human knowledge be called The Encyclopedia UnAmericana.Adams, John Quincy 6th President of the United States of America (1825-1829) and, avers Rep. Michele Bachmann, by far the most precocious of the Founding Fathers as he was not quite nine years-old when the Declaration of Independence was signed in 1776. Perhaps Adams fils attempted to draft part of the Declaration in crayon but was stopped just in time by Adams père.Alaska, the 49th state in the union and the only one that produces more oil than all of Saudi Arabia, according to the late petroleum savant Ronald Wilson Reagan. The Carl Sandburg of the Klondike, half term Governor Sarah Palin described her adopted state in her resignation speech thusly:

“Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun. And then the extremes. In the winter time it’s the frozen road that is competing with the view of ice fogged frigid beauty, the cold though, doesn’t it split the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs? ... It is as throughout all Alaska that big wild good life teeming along the road that is north to the future.”

It was Gov. Palin's express lifelong ambition to be even less accessible than T.S. Eliot and Ezra Pound combined. America has reached a consensus that she had very admirably succeeded.Freedom In human civilization, a state of liberty peculiar only to the United States and the usually rubble-littered Third World countries with whom it shares its liberty. According to Russian language linguist Ronald Wilson Reagan, there is no word for "freedom" in Russian.HPV An acronym for human papillomavirus, the viral precursor to a cervical cancer treatable by a vaccine made controversial by some evangelical Republicans such as Rep. Michele Bachmann (MN-06). According to the non-doctor Bachmann, this vaccine not only causes mental retardation in fictional people and, free from worries about cervical cancer, would cause nymphomania in pre-adolescent girls younger than 13. When pressed to validate this startling scientific finding, Rep. Bachmann proved her modesty by claiming she'd never made such a brilliant conclusion.New Hampshire The rock-ribbed Republican state succeeding liberal, gay marriage-loving Massachusetts as the cradle of the American Revolution, thanks to Republican Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. The Lexington and Concord of "The Shot Heard 'Round the World" was moved from the North Bridge in Lexington, Massachusetts to an undisclosed location in New Hampshire, possibly the other Concord.Slavery The dark, shameful period in North American history in which white textile and slaver merchants captured, sold and forced captive Africans to toil in cotton fields despite the best efforts of the slave-owning colonial American government to stop such a practice, according to eminent amateur historian Rep. Michele Bachmann. Said Prof. Bachmann,

“But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States, men like John Quincy Adams… would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country.

What other historians fail to note is that perhaps the reason why the son of the second president wasn't listened to in his impassioned plea to repeal slavery is because the future sixth President was but eight years old when the Declaration of Independence was being written and ratified. Slavery was actually repealed in 1865 with the ratification of the 13th Amendment thanks to the tireless efforts of Adams fils, now a zombie, seventeen years after his demise.Social Security A massive criminal enterprise created by Franklin Delano Roosevelt in 1935, as revealed by Texas Governor Rick Perry, who called it "a Ponzi scheme." Long disguised as a somewhat effective and solvent social safety net funded through payroll taxes, this example of subterranean fraud and malfeasance, while it did not put one penny in President Roosevelt's pocket, nonetheless was redistributed back from whence it came: Out of the pockets of the victims of this inverted Ponzi scheme who actually got back more than they'd kicked in beginning in 1937.Solyndra, aka Solynda Formerly, a bankrupt solar energy company transformed by Texas Governor Rick Perry as a new nation known as "Solynda." Joining other fictional nation states such as Narnia, Mordor and Gondal, its denizens (presumably known as Solyndarians) are heathen, pagan liberals run by "a gangster government" (Bachmann) adept only at losing a half a billion dollars from its national Treasury given to them by a Socialist/Marxist dictator. Solynda is the first ever instance of a Republican attempt at nation-building. Supreme Court The highest judicial body in the United States, formerly comprised of eight associate justices and one Chief Justice. In late 2011, however, the SCOTUS felt the downsizing pinch as the rest of the nation when Texas Governor Rick Perry suddenly laid off one justice by claiming the Supreme Court now numbered eight. At press time, it is unclear which Supreme Court Justice was pink-slipped (leaving open the ever-present possibility of 4-4 votes). However, one likely candidate is the second-least senior justice, Sonia Montemayor (formerly Sotomayor).Swine Flu The more popular name for the N1H1 virus, one that had broken out, according to History Professor Emeritus Michele Bachmann during Jimmy Carter's presidency in 1976. Rejecting firm, accepted historical fact seemingly supported by many still living today. this would involve a secret and forcible takeover of the outgoing Ford administration by the Carter campaign.Tree Outsized vegetation. In conservative i.e. progressive circles, trees obstruct progress by standing in the way of potential parking lots, mining extractions and strip mall development. Most inimically, trees cause, according to famed botanist Ronald Wilson Reagan, "more pollution than automobiles do."Uzbekistan Formerly a sovereign nation once part of the Soviet Union and led by a tyrant named Islam Karimov. Yet, according to former presidential aspirant Herman Cain, is actually named Ubekibekibekibekistanstan (with a silent "z"). Its leader is unknown and it is a badge of honor to be ignorant of this mysterious leader's identity.Voting Age: 40 years ago in 1971, the 26th Amendment lowered the voting age to 18 years largely because of student activism protesting the war in Vietnam. However, in 2011 the minimum voting age was raised from 18 back up to 21 by one of our most generous contributors, Texas Governor Rick Perry. In the same breath, Gov. Perry also pushed Election Day 2012 (formerly on November 6) forward by six days to November 12th. Purely by coincidence, of course, this is eerily consistent with a Republican tactic of offering false election and ballot return dates.