Singleness – Michael Scott Fosterhttps://mscottfoster.com
Sexuality, Ecclesiology, and a Few Other ThingsWed, 14 Nov 2018 16:14:41 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.9The Dilemma of Singlenesshttps://mscottfoster.com/the-dilemma-of-singleness/
https://mscottfoster.com/the-dilemma-of-singleness/#respondWed, 18 Jul 2018 19:26:35 +0000https://mscottfoster.com/?p=16(These are some rough notes from a Sunday School I taught a few years back…)

Singleness is not bad. Everyone is single for a portion of their life. And, on occasion, some people are single for their entire life. That being said, there is growing dilemma in the church and society associated with exploding rates of singleness.

There is a trend towards delaying of marriage. The trend isn’t nearly as steep as some would have you believe. However, it is noticeable and currently on a major uptick.

The data for the median age of marriage:

England, 1700s; Women: 25-26; Men: 30

New England, early 1600s; Women: Teens; Men: 26

New England, late 1600s; Women: 20; Men: 25

Pennsylvania Quakers, 1600s; Women: 22; Men: 26

Pennsylvania Quakers, 1700s; Women: 23; Men: 26

Rural South Carolina, 1700s; Women: 19; Men: 22

For comparison, here is the U.S. census data showing the median age of marriage for selected years in the more recent past:

1900 Women: 21.9; Men: 25.9

1950 Women: 20.3; Men: 22.8

1975 Women: 21.1; Men: 23.5

2000 Women: 25.1; Men: 26.8

The newest data from the Census:

2013 Women: 26.6; Men: 29.0

Overall marriage rates have significantly declined in the last 70% years:

In 2012, one-in-five adults ages 25 and older (about 42 million people) had never been married, according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of census data. In 1960, only about one-in-ten adults (9%) in that age range had never been married.

So in a nutshell, fewer people are getting married and those that are getting married later in life. That doesn’t mean people are living a sexual chaste life.

Cohabitation rates are on a sharp increase:

For example, nearly half of women in what researchers call “first unions” with men — 48 percent — moved in with no wedding vows according to interviews conducted between 2006 and 2010, up from 43 percent in 2002 and 34 percent in 1995.

According to a Barna survey, roughly 65% of Americans believe cohabitation is a good idea. When the same question is asked of millennial the percentage rises to 72%.

The use of pornography is widespread. Let me give you some very conservatives stats that demonstrate this:

12 percent of all Internet websites are pornographic.

25 percent of all online search engine requests are related to sex. That’s about 68 million requests per day.

35 percent of all Internet downloads are pornographic.

40 million Americans are regular visitors (in their own estimation) to porn sites.

70 percent of men aged 18 to 24 visit a porn site at least once per month.

The average age of first exposure to Internet porn is 11.

The largest consumer group of Internet porn is men aged 35 to 49.

One-third of all Internet porn users are female.

The rates of birth out of wedlock have also increased. In 2012, overall 41% of births were out of wedlock. That stat rises to around 57% is you isolate it down to mothers that are consider millennials (26 – 31). This is a sharp increase. In 1970, about 11 percent of all births were to unmarried parents; by 1990, that figure rose to 28 percent.

So, what have is a society that in general is rejecting the biblical teaching that marriage, sex, and children exist as a sort of trinity. These things normally go together and when one is missing there are real consequences.

For example, a marriage that is sexless is an exceedingly difficult marriage. Sex is one of the chief benefits of marriage. It helps alleviate sexual temptation and is source of comfort in a fallen world. That is the teaching of Scripture and the confession.

Sex that is marriage-less is destructive. It leads to children growing up in homes with a single parent and is a major cause for both chemical and surgical abortions. Moreover, there are just the improper emotional bonds that it creates between two people with no covenantal commitment made to each other.

And a marriage that is childless is often very destructive and difficult. For those that purposely live a childless life, it is usually destructive. Nothing helps you die to yourself and be other-centered like children. Those that forgo children often do for quality of life reasons. Now, there are those that simply are unable to have children because of God’s providence. And yet that still is very hard on a marriage.

So this is the climate we are in. The trinity of marriage, sex, and children is under attack. Faithful churches are seeking to address it by preaching the Scripture’s emphasis. And in the middle of it all there are more singles than ever.

Some of those singles get married and, to a degree, exit the tension between the society and the church on this issue. But there are others that are having a difficult time doing that.

They have dated all the eligible people in their church, go on blind dates, eharmony, etc. And yet they haven’t been able to find a suitable mate. Some times it is an issue of unrealistic standards, other times it is just the legitimate inability to find a scripturally acceptable mate.

It can be very difficult for this people to be in a church that emphasizes what Scripture emphasizes.

There are other factors but I think this enough to illustrate the dilemma.

Some churches are seeking to address this problem by applying passage on celibacy to this growing population of singles. However, I think it is a misapplication.

Matthew 19

10 The disciples *said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.” 11 But He said to them, “Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.”

Celibacy differs from a temporary state of singleness in that it is a life long commitment to non-romantic and non-erotic relationships. Moreover, it is a gift that is given by God not chosen by man. It is clear from the words of Christ in Matthew 19:11-12 that it is rare gift. Calvin rightly argues, “If any man thinks it advantageous for him to want a wife, and, without making any inquiry, lays upon himself an obligation to celibacy, he is widely mistaken.” In other words, marriage is the normative calling for most people and most should pursue it.

“I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” 1 Corinthians 7:7-9

What does it mean to be single in the sense that the Apostle Paul was single? It means an sustained ability to be single without any sexual frustration. Paul refers to this station as a gift that not all possess. In other words, Paul is referring to the gift of celibacy as taught by Christ in Matthew 19:10-12. Celibacy isn’t just the cessation of sexual actions. It also includes the cessation of normal sexual desire.

Thus, this passage isn’t commending “singleness” in the modern sense. The modern use of “single” or “singleness” makes no claim on sexual desire. Paul is speaking of the gift of celibacy.

In 1 Corinthians 7:25-38, Paul explains his reasons for commending the celibate life. First, he says

So what is the answer? The answer isn’t to normalize life-long singleness without the gift of celibacy. That just isn’t normative. The answer isn’t to denigrate marriage and parenthood. Those are wonderful blessings of God meant for the majority of people.

The answer is to emphasize self-control, contentment, and service.

First, 1 Thessalonians 4:3 says, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality..” Sex is reserved for the marriage bed. Singles must exercise self-control as the internal struggle is normal to most and the outside temptations are more intense than almost ever in history.

Second, it is right to grieve missing out on a blessing but God is in control. Every situation and circumstances has a purpose, even the trials you brought on yourself. Singleness without the gift of celibacy is difficult. However, God is using that difficult situation to mature and perfect you (James 1:2-3). Be content where God has you. Today’s trouble are enough for today.

Third, singleness opens the door to a greater devotion to service opportunities. The responsibilities of a family are a necessary and noble distraction. Those that are single and can exercise self-control are immensely valuable to the expansion of the kingdom of God as they are “freer” in a sense. Plus, giving yourself to others in service greatly hampers discontentment because it keeps your eyes off yourself.

Churches must be cognizant of their singles and look for ways to encourage them to serve the Lord. Singles must be cognizant of the emphasis of Scripture and not resent a church for emphasizing them. Both must happen.

How comfortable was the Apostle Paul with his singleness? He was so comfortable with it that he constantly taught on sex, marriage, and children. Think about it. A “single” gives us the bulk of our New Testament teaching on sex, marriage, and children.

The relevance here is that singles often find themselves resenting churches that give emphasis to sex, marriage, and children. It is noteworthy that it isn’t an issue for Paul (a “single”). Quite to the contrary, the bulk of that teaching came through the apostle.

]]>https://mscottfoster.com/the-dilemma-of-singleness/feed/0Hypergamy and Singleness in the Churchhttps://mscottfoster.com/hypergamy-and-singleness-in-the-church/
https://mscottfoster.com/hypergamy-and-singleness-in-the-church/#commentsWed, 18 Jul 2018 19:05:16 +0000https://mscottfoster.com/?p=8Let me explain how I see hypergamy being related to the marriage/singleness problem in our culture:

1. Hypergamy is a principle that states women naturally desire to marry of an equal or greater status. In general, women want a guy that is older, taller, and more successful.

2. 1st thru 3rd wave feminism radically altered the cultural landscape of the West for both sexes.

a. Women were “liberated” from domesticity. They were now able to provide for themselves due to workplace integration. More importantly, they now had control over their fertility through contraception and abortion.

b. Men were “liberated” from supporting domesticity. They now could easily get “low-risk” sex. In other words, they could get sex without commitment to a wife and family.

c. This “liberation” produced a massive increase in single mother families (aka fatherlessness).

3. Women entering the workplace and education reshaped the nature of both spheres.

a. Workplace integration requires men to modulate their masculinity. In short, they have to dial down their manliness.

b. Education has been increasingly augmented to prefer female over male tendencies.

4. As it relates to education and career, women are doing “better” than ever before. Conversely, men are doing worse. In a nutshell, we have more highly educated women making good money and fewer highly educated men making good money.

5. The availability of “low risk/low commitment” sex combined with an ever-increasing push towards higher levels of education has led to a delaying of marriage into the upper 20s and early 30s.

6. At present, we have a lot of high-performing single women in their late 20s and early 30s realizing that their child-bearing years are slipping away. Consequently, they begin to look for a more serious relationship.

7. As a result of hypergamy, these women began to look for a man of equal or greater status. So, they are looking for an equally high-performing man of a similar or greater age. They also want him to be taller.

8. As a result of the cultural shift, the number of high-performing men in their late 20s and 30s has greatly decreased.

a. Low risk/ low commitment sex greatly reduces a man’s drive. Apps like Tinder and free HD pornography are truly robbing many men of their desire to succeed.

c. To a lesser degree, the rise of video gaming is making men feel like a success without creating any real world benefit. Gaming, by meeting their need to be successful, diminishes their desire to dominate in the marketplace.

9. Online dating gives the impression that there are plenty of fish in the sea and can encourage people to hold out for someone that meets their requirements. This is largely an illusion, especially for high-performing women. Requiring a single attribute will greatly reduce the number of candidates. For example, how many single men are there that make $80,000 or greater? Each attribute desired exponentially reduces the number of candidates until they are a percentage of a percentage.

10. Women will and often do date older men. The opposite isn’t true. Men rarely date older women. This means that high-performing single women have fewer candidates based of their desire for hypergamy AND those candidates are being pursued by younger women. This means less options with equal or greater competition.

11. Men aren’t hypergamous. They don’t choose women based on status as much as attitude/attractiveness. In other words, a woman being highly educated and a high earner doesn’t raise her “value” in the eyes of a man. It means very little to him. In many cases, it can actual devalue her as a potential spouse.

a. The problem is women think men evaluate women the way they evaluate men. This is why you’ll often hear women say, “I guess men aren’t interested in or are intimidated by a smart successful woman.” I’m not sure about the intimidate part but, otherwise, yeah.

b. Men are attracted to femininity. Money and education doesn’t make a woman any more feminine. Now, don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying it is wrong for women to get educated or have jobs. I’m saying that it won’t make them more attractive to men. It is either breakeven or a negative.

In conclusion, all these factors are creating a “singleness epidemic.”

Now, I haven’t even scratched the surface on how this is uniquely impacting the church. Here are four reasons this issue is further exacerbated in the church:

1. Men don’t like going to church because it is inordinately geared towards the feminine.

2. Churches are harder on “masculine sins” than they are on “feminine sins.”

3. Most evangelical churches operate with gnostic assumptions that downplay the importance of the body and sexuality.

4. Men are told to be good men but not taught how to be good at being a man. Therefore, men are turning to non-Christian sources on how to be a man.

So… high performing Christian women are going to have an even harder time finding a high performing Christian man.

What do we do? Here are three recommended steps:

1. Teach and exhort women to pursue feminine beauty.

2. Teach and exhort men to pursue manly excellence in health, wisdom, finances, and leadership.