Dear Emuna: The Zuckerberg Contract

Should my fiancé and I write up a relationship contract that spells out expectations of each other?

I heard that Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan signed a "relationship contract." Zuckerberg agreed to spend at least 100 minutes of private time each week with Chan, and take her on at least one date. They also agreed to vacation for two weeks every year overseas.

I imagine there are many aspects of a relationship that could be part of a pact. Sharing of household chores, time spent with the in-laws, budgetary limits, even intimacy issues.

It may seem unromantic to mandate rules, but having a clear set of expectations ensures that needs are being met.

What do you think of all this?

-- Engaged and Planning My Marriage

Dear Planner,

Aside from the issue of intermarriage, the idea of a relationship contract is on the minds of many these days. Does it demonstrate something healthy about the relationship or does it suggest something is missing? And shouldn’t it all be more spontaneous?

I happen to think it’s a great idea. (Despite being called a contract, I don’t believe it’s actually enforceable in a court of law!) Expectations, or, shall I say, unmet expectations, definitely shape our level of marital satisfaction. If we want a spouse who is a real family man, available at dinner time and bath time and Sunday barbecue time but our husband-to-be is consumed with building or maintaining his career, we will be frustrated and disappointed.

While I don’t think all expectations need to be spelled out in a contract, I do think they should be discussed. Many years ago, I read a book called Smart Women, Foolish Choices. One of the common, and usually unexpressed, expectations of the women profiled seemed to be that they would stop working either when they got married or when they had a family. This came as a surprise to many of their husbands who were counting on the extra income, and significant marital tensions ensued.

In Jewish life, there are certain unwritten rules about dividing holiday times between in-laws and certain written ones about intimacy that, while beyond the scope of this letter, certainly enhance rather than diminish a marriage. There is also the Ketubah, a legally binding marriage contract (yes, we thought of it first!) that outlines some of a man’s responsibility to his wife.

And I can think of many a relationship that would have been saved had budgetary limits been discussed in advance.

The major complaint against such an idea seems to be the lack of spontaneity and the destructive romantic notion often voiced as “He should have just wanted to spend time with me; I shouldn’t have to make him.”

There are many things we want to do, many good, important and productive things. That doesn’t mean we don’t get distracted, tired, preoccupied. One of the reasons we have commandments is because the Almighty recognized that, in order to do what we want (as opposed to what we feel like), we need a little push, a little structure, a little regulation. We are commanded to pray every day, whether we are in the mood or not. We give 10% of our income to charity, whether we feel generous or not. The list goes on and on. Because these are the things we truly want to do – whatever our lazy and selfish body may be telling us in the moment.

We all want our marriages to work. We all want to spent time with our spouses, live within our means, be giving to each other. But since we’re not always in the mood, we need commandments. And perhaps a contract.

It could be the wave of the future. After all, Mr. Zuckerberg seems to know a thing or two about what works!

– Emuna

Other Pretty Women

Dear Emuna,

I am engaged to a terrific guy and thank God, we are so happy and excited to build a new life and grow together. But I've noticed that I am often very insecure. I'm constantly jealous of any woman who comes in contact with my fiancé (including female friends of his from his college days). I would never have to worry about anything inappropriate happening with my future husband and other women; it's just my own crazy insecurity.

For some reason, whenever he mentions that a woman is pretty or cute (just as an observation), it cuts me to the quick and I don't feel good enough. But it's natural for people to think of other people as being pretty and attractive – it'd be weird if he only found me and no one else attractive. Do you have any tips on how I can feel more confident in myself, and less upset by other pretty women? How should I feel about this kind of thing?

Thanks!

– Envious Worrier

Dear Worrier,

I think it’s normal and appropriate for you to feel insecure. It shows you have a strong grasp of reality. I certainly don’t want to make you crazier and more insecure, but I really don’t think you can say, “I would never have to worry about anything inappropriate happening with my future husband and other women.” In the Talmud (Avot 2:4), we are told that to never trust ourselves until the day we die. The proof frequently cited is a reference to Yochanan the High Priest. He served in the Temple for 80 years and then betrayed his faith. If it could happen to him, the message is, it could certainly happen to any of us.

Our baser inclinations are very strong and we should never discount them or believe we are immune. That’s why Rebbetzin Tzipporah Heller titled one of her books, Battle Plans – we need to be in a constant state of preparedness to wage war against our lower selves.

I wish your husband had written to me instead of you, but you will need to find a way to gently and tactfully have this conversation with him. He should not be mentioning that another woman is attractive. In fact he really shouldn’t even be looking at them. And he would be better off not maintaining a relationship with female friends from his college days. Maybe that sounds too strong ,but we just need to look around the world (John Edwards being one sordid example) to see the potential and actual destruction.

In Jewish life, a man has to repent on Yom Kippur for having looked at other women. That’s not because we are antiquated and repressive. We are in fact very modern and recognize all too well where it could lead.

The challenges to relationships these days are so great that we want to try to remove at least some of them from the table. And our marriages are so precious that we want to do everything in our power to preserve them.

The Torah perspective is that there is no such thing as a strictly platonic relationship between men and women. There are always undercurrents. Building a solid future together requires limiting relationships with the members of the opposite sex.

Our goal is a relationship like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. There were the only two people in the world and they only had eyes for each other. Please ask your fiancé to read my response and to contact me if he disagrees or has any questions.

– Emuna

Food, Glorious Food

Dear Emuna,

I grew up in a stereotypical Jewish home where we got a lot of mixed messages about food. If I took a piece of cake after school, my mother would say, “That cake is very fattening; you should be eating an apple instead.” If I took an apple, she would wonder aloud, “Why isn’t anybody eating the cake I made?” We talked about food and weight at every meal – and frequently in-between. I was the only girl in my sixth-grade class who brought salad for lunch instead of sandwich, and I memorized the Weight Watcher’s point system at a very early age.

As an adult, I struggle against this constant obsession but I vowed not to impose this shtick on my kids. Yet I still hear them talking about it, still see them checking themselves in the mirror and, despite my best efforts to ban the word from my home, they are constantly discussing their diets and how much weight they need to lose. I’m so frustrated. Where did I go wrong and how can I right it?

– Calorie Counter

Dear CC,

Take a deep breath and stop blaming yourself. We live in a weight-obsessed world. Every magazine cover has the latest “fool-proof!” “no-fail!” “eat all you want!” diet. All the glamorous people in Hollywood seem to be the thin ones. And if they don’t get it from that side, then there is the obesity problem and this country’s focus on dealing with it. (As an aside, even though we don’t like or drink sodas in my family, I resent laws like Mayor Bloomberg’s that attempt to restrict the size of drink purchased.)

In every school lunch room across the country, calorie counts dominate the conversation. Even boys are obsessed with their weight, their abs, their six-packs. No matter how much we avoid the topic at home, our kids are surrounded by it.

Since we can’t spare them the conversation, we need to figure out how to approach the issue. One strategy is to encourage “healthy” eating – as opposed to dieting. This is a better approach to life and it will lead to a lifestyle that they can reasonably maintain. I’m a big believer in “everything in moderation” and personally don’t advocate a total ban on any food (it just makes them more appealing!).

The other crucial strategy is to give our children enough sense of self-worth that they will neither diet to feel good about themselves nor eat to mask their pain and insecurity. (And when you figure out how to do this, let me know!) This requires a very positive style of parenting – lots of praise of accomplishments, balanced by occasional constructive help when mistakes are made.

We need to be realistic and teach our children to dress in ways that are flattering and to take care of themselves. But whatever the external messages, we want our children to appreciate that true beauty is the inner beauty of the soul and not the external one of the body.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 13

Mr zuckerberg is a genius but probably was never had a formal Jewish education.His mom and dad probably never thought it was important. He does not care and probably does not think it is important

(5)
Natalie Kehr,
July 1, 2012 4:04 PM

Worrier should stop worrying

It is perfectly possible for people to react to other people in a completely non-sexual way. In the non-religious world people react to one another most of the time simply as people, not as "males" or "females". I will speak to anyone at anytime, but the only times I have felt awkward is in a room with religious men, where everyone sat in silence because nobody would make eye contact and start a conversation.
I resent the way religious Jewish and Muslim men force me to think of myself as a "woman", not as a "person". By telling people that platonic relationships are impossible, the Torah and Talmud, and Koran, ensure that their followers think of every encounter as sexual, and thus make it impossible for their followers to have platonic encounters. In the real world, most encounters between grown-ups are platonic.

Paul,
July 9, 2012 11:47 PM

Beg to Differare

Natalie,
I must respectfully disagree. As a male I can tell you that men were created with a lot more lust and while it is hard for you to imagine that as a woman I would like to point out that most sexual encounters and affairs are intiated by men, if you were/are in a relationship you would know that the man wants it more frequently than the woman. With that said, that's why our Torah has such boundries, it makes perfect sense to the men. And men who follow these rules are guaranteed to have a succesful and romantic marriage.

(4)
Anonymous,
June 18, 2012 12:38 AM

it would have been better if Zuckerberg had married a Jewish woman rather than a Chinese woman. He has more important things to worry about her than what he seems to be preoccupied with.

wish it too,
June 22, 2012 12:50 AM

I totally agree!!!

shuly,
May 28, 2013 12:12 AM

It's his choice, his problem. whether or not you agree or disagree does absolutely nothing to change that. Just saying.

Courtney,
July 1, 2012 3:16 PM

This comment reeks of racism. Anyone can become a Jew through the conversion process. I am mostly Eastern Band Cherokee and am studying to convert. To assume someone is NOT Jewish because of their race is pure ignorance.

(3)
SusanE,
June 17, 2012 3:56 PM

I'd Like to Read her Contract

Wow ...Zuckerberg sounds like a tubfull of fun. He'll guarantee an hour and a half a week, and two weeks a year of his time to his wife. How loving and generous a man he is. It doesn't say if she gets an allowance or if she has a curfew, or time for play dates with her friends. It would be interesting to see her contract as well.

Anonymous,
June 18, 2012 12:36 PM

Note- Priscilla Chan requested the contract

Please read the letter. It was the future Mrs. Zuckerberg who drew up the contract. It was not him. In fact, the trend is going this way and the reason is gender equality, according to experts. Do think about it. One date per week plus 100 minutes of private time (no interruptions) and 2 week vacation oversees. She is a professional herself. Do you really think that other women get more? Again, it was her request!

SusanE,
June 20, 2012 4:14 PM

I Didn't Read that She Requested the Contract.

I read the letter above again. The letter is a hear/say statement about the agreement. So according to the letter writer, the Zuckerberg's both signed a relationship agreement. - - - - - - - Where does the writer state who requested it?

Anonymous,
June 20, 2012 9:36 PM

I think it's smart

Two professionals-- it is easy to get caught up in work. When they start having children, it will be easy for her to get caught up in the kids. I think this, as a bare minimum, is a smart idea. I wish I'd thought of this, but were I doing it today, I'd add that both of us would turn off our smartphones while alone!

(2)
Sandy Price,
June 17, 2012 3:23 PM

Jealous of Other Women

While I agree with much of what Emuna suggests, I think the amount of jealousy you are experiencing is not normal and should be considered an inner invitation to take a second look at the relationship. Why would any man comment on the appearance of other women? How does your fiance relate to these past female friends? Is it completely cordial and platonic, or do you pick up some flirting? If you have any basis for your fears, consider that he is putting his best foot forward now. If you have no basis for your fears, then you need to talk to a counselor or psychologist about how you're feeling, because those feelings are unlikely to recede and will mar your relationship in time. I also would point out that men cannot completely separate themselves from other women - pretty or not - in their lives - as women also will not be able to live disassociated from "other" men. Disconnecting from all women, past and present, to me is not the answer. Each spouse needs to be loyal and sensitive to their spouse's feelings and demonstrate that sensitivity and loyalty every day. That way, spouses visibly put the marriage first, fewer "others" will try to move into that territory, and neither spouse will feel jealousy or fear of losing the relationship.

(1)
Happily Married,
June 17, 2012 10:42 AM

Re: relationship contract

I think Emuna makes an important point. I would, however, make a MAJOR distinction. Instead of the overtones of "contract" and "obligation", I would recommend that the document be all about "goals and priorities". Therefor there wouldn't be a neediness or any strong-arming.
Additionally, I think that an engaged couple (presumable never been married) only have a vague notion of the daily life of married folks and the expectations that may be spelled out black on white may be unrealistic and needlessly restrictive.
If such a "goals and priorities sheet" would be drawn up it should be big picture things only and there should be a regular time set aside to revise and expand it. Once or twice yearly, perhaps.
Otherwise, it sounds great ! I wish the new couple much hatzlacha and good fortune in building a true Jewish home.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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