18:59,
today

So you're heading on a trip from NYC to Washington D.C. via train? Great! Here
are some guidelines.

While in New York

When walking down the street on your way to Penn Station, (ostensibly pulling
your rolling luggage behind you), don't forget to make random direction
changes and stops - you don't want the people behind you to know where you're
headed.

If you are traveling with companions, feel free to walk side-by-side - the
streets are often wide enough for several people to stroll casually.

You may have noticed that your rolling luggage can be used to ensure a
sufficient amount of space between you and other pedestrians. Don't hesitate
to enhance this effect.

While standing at the edge of a curb, waiting to cross a street, you may
notice people crossing the street perpendicular to you, coming towards you in
their attempts to achieve the safety of the curb. Pay these people no mind -
they'll certainly go around you.

At Penn Station and On the Train

If you're riding Amtrak's Northeast Regional train, the quiet car is the
second from the back. Definitely sit in this car. Be sure to ignore the
signs posted at the doors and at several locations hanging from the ceiling
reminding you that it is, in fact, the quiet car.

The train may not be sold out, so don't forget to take up two seats. When
someone asks you to move, assuming (almost certainly correctly) that you have
not actually paid for two, make sure that you let them know just how
inconvenient they have just made things for you. But don't use words.

When one of the other passengers on the quiet car reminds you that it is, in
fact, the quiet car_, comment to your friend, "Oh, I'm sure that doesn't apply
to us."

The quiet car does not allow mobile phone usage - should you need to accept
an incoming call, answer the call, and inform the caller that they will need
to wait a moment while you step into the next car. Be sure to do this with
a clear, loud voice - some areas of the Northeast Corridor have poor
cellphone coverage, and you wouldn't want your caller to misunderstand you.

When getting ready to leave, make sure you stand in the aisle and talk loudly
with your companion. I mean, everyone else is getting off at your stop,
right?

Also while you're standing there having this conversation, be sure to ignore
other passengers who want to retrieve their belongings from the overhead so
they too can pack up in anticipation of debarkation.

In Washington, D.C.

Escalators have enough room for you to stand beside your rolling luggage.
You may notice people who appear to be in a hurry trying to pass on your left -
similar to the train seating issue above, be sure to properly convey how much
of an inconvenience this is.

When you arrive at the top of the stairs or escalator, you will have to extend
the handle of your wheeled luggage. The best place to perform task this is
immediately at the top of the stairs. Don't worry, everyone else will be
happy to wait for you to finish.