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Thursday, December 10, 2009

Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.Ralph Waldo Emerson

The other I went looking for inspirational quotes. I like a lot of Emerson's and have comfort often in his words. the above one jumped out at me like a beacon. So I have decided I need to put it everywhere... to remind myself. Its all good and well to have inspirational quotes, but if you dont inhale them into your being there is no point.

We have had sickness in our house again since last Thursday. First Aston, then I started feeling unwell on Sunday, and so was Nathan, but he decided not to tell me. Trouble was that what he wasn't telling me was that he was coughing up blood! He stayed at home on Monday, and I had to leave him at home by himself while I ran R around to appointments and do some christmas shopping. I felt like I was walking through cement most of the day. My nose was running non stop, my body ached, and I wanted to be anywhere but out! Bed being the preferred option.

About the only good thing that came out of the running around, other then getting some christmas shopping done, was I was at the pyshciatrist with R. And it was a very interesting appointment. The Doctor was very blunt with him, and told him that he was pissing him about, and if that he (the doctor) was going to be able to help him manage his mental health problems then he needed to see R alot more often then he had been. The last few appointments R has cancelled, and there was one where I was driving him to it, and after coping verbal abuse for most of the journey, when we got to the exit to go to where the doctor is I turned around and told him to call the doctor because I didnt have to put up with his abuse.

No surprise, R didnt tell that to the Doctor, but he is no fool, and called him on a lot of his behaviours. And I had the opportunity to express what I was feeling, and where I was at, as far as my own health, and what I viewed R and mine relationship as. I'm glad I had that opportunity - to speak it in front of a third party, because R doesnt listen. He hears and believes what he wants to hear and believe. and so the dance goes on!!

Tuesday, I was feeling worse, and I decided that seeing as how Aston is also HIS son, that he could take some responsibility and help me out, so I called him to come and get him and take him to daycare. While I was waiting for him to arrive to pick up Aston, Nat's school called "did you know that Nathan's is coughing up blood?" Well you can imagaine the panic attack I then had... Like yeah right - I send my kids to school when they are coughing up blood so that someone else can deal with it!! I rang R back and told him, and he picked Nat up from school, and we took him to the doctor. He has bronchitis, and is on antibiotics, and seems to be on the improve. He is disappointed because I wont let him go to school - but my hyperviglent mode has kicked in big time. I have had him sleeping in my bed so that I can hear him. He has been wheezing a lot, but assures me that the blood has stopped. hmmmm.

I'm still feeling ordinary - worse then ordinary. Its an effort to get up from bed to walk down the hallway, and do anything at all. I am going to the doctor myself this afternoon, my whole body is aching, especially my chest and back.

In all of this R has been behaved, and done alot for me - but as per usual it comes at a price. This morning he made a comment that really annoyed me, so I disengaged the conversation. I could focus on it, be incredibily pointless though.

I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon, and hopefully I either just have the flu and ride it out, or need some drugs and will get better. and hopefully R will pull his head and not carry on like he is doing me the biggest favour in the world!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

When things started going pear shaped (to put it lightly!) a good friend of mine recommend a book Ask and it is given. It is basically about the law of attraction and how we manifest our own desires, and if we arent truely in harmony with those desires then they don't manifest. My biggest problem is that I know that I want, but because I live in a constant state of impending doom, waiting for the next disaster to happen, I self sabatoge those desires. Over the last week I have been consistentlyh trying to to push those negative energies and emotions out of my mind, and allowing only good thoughts, desires and needs to enter. when I feel that negativity chasing quickly behind my positive thoughts I self talk saying that I'm living in this moment right now. And as a result change has started to happen. I joined a new forum called Family Capers, that has a whole lot of professional support people on board, in all sorts of areas. It has an incredibly postive outlook, and is very focussed on finding the joy in your life. I entered a competition, with the prize being able to access a joy coach. sounds odd probably, but it is what I need right now to keep me on track. This woman believes what I believe, and better still LIVES it. and that is what I want to assistance in, in howing to live it. And I won. I asked for guidance and assistance, and it has arrived.

The gaping hole that I thought I come between my daughter and I has started to mend, with her allowing me to comfort her last night after she woke from bad dreams, letting me lay with her and stroke her head. Even better, this morning she let me hug her. I haven't damaged all the hard work I have put into my children, I just had a bump in the road.

I am disengaging successfully from R's delusions, for the benefit of my own sanity and health. I need to rest and rebuild and recoup and become strong before I am able to confront him with MY TRUTH, and MY PLANS, which don't include him. It is pointless trying to converse with someone who only hears and believes what they want to believe, so I have actively and consciously decided not to. Regardless of what I say, he comes to his own conclusions anyway. Doing this one thing alone has stopped depleted me of my energy, and allowing me to come back slowly from the state of hyperviglence and anxiety that I yet again found myself in.

I'm allowed to be happy. I'm allowed to be treated with respect and kindness. In fact I deserve it. And so begins the journey to live my life with joy, and to learn to manifest my desires.