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Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Holding on Tight

My mom stayed home with me and my sister throughout our entire
childhood. She was a wonderful mother. She made us laugh a lot with
her silly songs and goofy dance moves. She always let us know that she
loved us and that she loved being with us. Some of my best memories were spent
in the car, going from place to place. That's where she taught me to be
slow to anger. If someone mistreated me or my sister or even my mom, we
would discuss why that person might have behaved the way that they did. She
taught me how to identify if someone was jealous or unhappy or insecure. We
sure did have a lot of deep conversations in that car! For my mom, it was
important to find the reason why someone had inflicted pain so that she could forgive
and move on. This skill has been very valuable to me as it taught me to take a
step back, gather my thoughts, sort out my feelings, put myself in other's
shoes, and figure out how I should respond before doing so.

Another thing I remember from those car rides was my mom throwing
her arm in front of whoever was in the passenger seat, saying "hold on
tight!" We were usually making a last minute turn or pulling out in
front of another car. We would usually laugh at how she used her arm to try to
protect us as if it would really do much good in the event of an actual
accident. She would laugh with us and say that she couldn't help it,
"it's just a mother's instinct."

This journey of infertility has been like one, crazy, car ride!
I have felt like that little girl, talking with my mom about how much
this hurts and what I could do to fix the problem. I've analyzed every
emotion, every fear, every possible cause. I've thought of every possible
reason why God has allowed this in my life. I've looked for and found the
good in this trial. I've searched my heart for idols and anything
unpleasing to the Lord. I've worked on being a better mom, a better wife.
I've tried surrendering and guessing the will of God.

It's been a LONG ride. I'm exhausted from all the charting,
the dieting, the emotional roller coaster, the thinking, the guessing,
questioning God, my faith, my marriage... And I have no idea if it's almost
over. But I know it WILL end. Every mile is one mile closer to
the end of the ride.

As of a few days ago, IUI #4 is a confirmed failure. I used to be
pretty devastated over news like that every month. But now, I feel like
that little girl in the passenger seat. All conversation- the questioning, the
analyzing, the guessing stops, and God throws His arm out to protect my heart
and says "Hold on tight! Don't let go of that joy! Don't take your
eyes off of Me for one second! We will be there soon. I promise."

He promised.

Worship the Lord your God, and his
blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among
you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a
full life span. Exodus 23:25-26

Instead of feeling the cyclical
disappointment and despair of another failed cycle, I just feel like
worshipping Him and thanking Him that I am one step closer to the fulfilled
promise.

I read further:

I will send my terror ahead of you and throw
into confusion every nation you encounter. I will make all your enemies turn
their backs and run. I will send the hornet ahead of you to drive the
Hivites, Canaanites and Hittites out of your way. But I will not drive
them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild
animals too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out
before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land.

I have met the enemy in his many forms.
He came to steal, kill, and destroy. And sometimes he did. You see,
all of that analyzing and questioning and doing this or that to gain more favor
in His eyes was just me trying to fight a battle that He has already won. He
will make the enemy turn his back and run. He will defeat each obstacle, one by
one, but not all at once because my faith needed time to increase before I take
possession of what He has promised me.

This is His
battle to fight, His victory to be had. I need only worship Him and hold on
tight to His promise. And rest in His loving arms.