Till death (or illness or dementia) us do part?

Published 3:49 pm, Thursday, February 16, 2012

Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum star in The Vow, based on a real-life story of what happens when a car accident leaves a woman unable to recognize her husband.

Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum star in The Vow, based on a real-life story of what happens when a car accident leaves a woman unable to recognize her husband.

Photo: Kerry Hayes

Image 2 of 2

In this image released by Columbia Pictures, Rachel McAdams, left, and Channing Tatum are shown in a scene from "The Vow." (AP Photo/Columbia Pictures/Sony, Kerry Hayes)

In this image released by Columbia Pictures, Rachel McAdams, left, and Channing Tatum are shown in a scene from "The Vow." (AP Photo/Columbia Pictures/Sony, Kerry Hayes)

Photo: Kerry Hayes

Till death (or illness or dementia) us do part?

1 / 2

Back to Gallery

Philip Weeks fondly remembers the days when his wife of 56 years, June, was a nurse and an artist whose paintings were compared to Rembrandt's.

Her paintings still hang in their home in Lynchburg, Va., but almost everything else has changed for the couple since doctors diagnosed her possible Alzheimer's and then an abrupt form of dementia.

In one moment, the retired Charismatic Episcopal bishop said, she would lean over to kiss him. "An hour later, she looked at me and said, 'Who are you?' " he recalled.

When the person you married goes through a dramatic change, what's a spouse to do? Clergy, ethicists and brain-injury experts agree: There are no easy answers.

"I made a vow," an emotional Weeks said. "For better or for worse, in sickness and health. She has stood by me in mission work, in the pastorate. Why can't I stand by her now?"

A week ago, The Vow opened in movie theaters - an adaptation of a re-released book about a young married couple whose serious car accident left the wife unable to recognize her husband.

"There's always an obligation, I think, to keep faith with your spouse, but the shape that that can take, morally speaking, can vary," said Darlene Fozard Weaver, an ethicist at Villanova University in Pennsylvania.

When medical crises interrupt a couple's expectations of wedded bliss, there are all kinds of dynamics to consider: Is the ill spouse now abusive? Can the still-well spouse manage the necessary care?

Although The Vow is a romantic drama about trying to get a wife to fall in love with her husband again, Fozard Weaver said it's not far from what real-life marriage is all about.

The film is based on the real-life story of Kim and Krickitt Carpenter after the couple was involved in a 1993 car accident. Physical therapist Scott Madsen watched the husband move from caretaker to coach to eventually, an again accepted mate.

"As she got better, then the relationship became better as well, more of a normal relationship," said Madsen, who served as best man when the couple renewed their vows in 1996.

Kim Carpenter writes in the book The Vow that some people suggested divorce, saying it might even help with medical expenses. That was not his choice.

Greg Ayotte, director of consumer services for the Brain Injury Association of America, said there's a misconception that most spouses of brain-injured patients head to divorce court. According to two recent studies, the vast majority of married brain-injured patients remain wed.

Weeks, who has self-published A Long Dark Night: A Caregiver's Journey With Dementia, said he came close to losing his faith but not his love. Eventually, he said, he stopped doubting God.

"He was giving me a quality of love for her that I did not have before," the bishop said of his wife. "I think I'm a better husband now because I've learned how to deal with this."