Humour: Jokes About Kids

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was annoyed at some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

The kids ran off, made their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"

Wedding WoesA mother and her child were at a wedding. A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

Bad LanguageA mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now 'cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving."The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train. But I want you to use nice language."Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say,"All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.""For those of you just boarding we ask you to store all your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us.""And for those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Dirty Minds

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, saying that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty understanding the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand, leads him upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

She says, "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse." So, Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.Then, she says, "Ok, now take off my skirt." So, he takes off her skirt.She continues, "Now take off my bra." He complies.Finally, she says, "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." When Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, please don't wear any of my clothes to school ever again!"

The Calf

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence, soaking in the whole event.The man thought to himself, "Great. He's four and I'm gonna have to start explaining how babies are made to him. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?""Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad."That must have been some accident. How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow and got stuck inside?"