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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

There is now a dating website for people in relationships looking to cheat.

Yes, you read that right.

No longer do people wanting to step out on their significant others have to prowl through the Craigslist "casual encounters" section, or talk up the office slut. They don't have to head to cheesy bars on the other side of town, and buy daiquiri after daiquiri for the girl they went to high school with whom they have reconnected with on Facebook because she says she is in a "bad marriage." They don't have to hope the new next door neighbor is as easy as she looks. All they have to do is make a profile, sit back, and wait. The site has a 100% "affair guarantee."

Isn't America great?

The site even has "as seen on" listings. Apparently it has been talked about on "Ellen," "Dr. Phil," and "Good Morning America." Of course, they don't say what was said about the site on those shows, because that would be indiscreet. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if Dr. Phil is part owner of the site. What an easy way to locate future "troubled" talk show guests. Like shooting fish in a barrel.

If the media "endorsements" aren't enough, they also have a celebrity spokesperson. A real winner. Michelle "Bombshell" McGee. Yes, a woman made famous for cuckolding an Oscar winner, and her love for dressing like a Nazi. A woman of such high moral fiber that she said she did Sandra Bullock a "favor" by talking to the press about her affair with Bullock's husband.

I guess Dame Judy Dench was busy.

The best part of the whole site though, I mean apart from the wedding band in the logo, the fact it's named after a call girl who picked her name from a list of 1980's popular baby names, and the blurry "erotic" photo, is one of it's many, many tag lines: "change your life today." I guess that's accurate though. Sign up for an Internet cheating site, and your life will most definitely change, possibly even before zippers come down for the first time. After all, I'm betting the second a spouse or significant finds that page in the browser history (because really, if you are so lazy you use an Internet service to start an affair, you probably aren't great at covering your tracks) things will start changing. Things like bank accounts, addresses, and custody agreements. In some severe cases facial shape and/or genital function could change as well. Some people get really, really mad.

(Totally building off your Avenue Q reference. Unless you weren't making one. In which case, uuummm... I just sounded like a ginormous sleazeball.)

An "affair guarantee"? Huh. The promise of sex sounds more like a cat house. Wonder if they're hiring pimps. I could some extra cash flow... I mean, I'd change my screen name to Big Male Pimpin' Daddy (cuz pimps are guys, right?).

"A recent ABC News report stated that 20% of Americans live in sexless marriages so if you thought you were alone - you are very far from it.Noel Biderman, President and Founder of [the website], says that, 'Some people can accept this fact and live the rest of their lives celibate, but the majority can't.'"

So of course, if you can't live your life celibate, and you're in a sexless relationship, clearly your only logical option is to use this website and cheat on your partner.

What does that mean, 100% guaranteed? Guaranteed that you will find someone as gross as you are, and that someone will have an affair with you? Or guaranteed that you will come down with some sort of terrible disease as a result of this nonsense? Or guaranteed that you will lose your wife and kids?