Monthly Archives: April 2014

I have a dear friend (Gail) who is always trying to class me up. Mind you I’m grateful. Truly.

I remember the time Gail thought I was ready for Chicos. Apparently I wasn’t. Because the moment the two or three saleswomen who were tending to me turned their backs – I literally ran out of that store. I especially hated the no mirrors in the fitting rooms policy. Yes, you have to come out of the closet if you want to see what you look like in their clothes – and that’s when they pounce. They’ll bring you an accessory for your arms – your neck – your waist – crazy I tell you! And I’m pleased to report, I’ve never returned to a Chicos—even though I have several lovely pre-owned pieces of theirs.

I think something happened to us grown up women – perhaps it’s always been this way – and perhaps it took me becoming a grown up to see it – but here it is: We don’t think we can make a decision about the smallest thing unless we consult a professional. I don’t ever remember my mother having a decorator or personal shopper – perhaps she could have used one however when she self-upholstered our couch in a fabric that was totally hideous – and we teen children had to live with it for what seemed like an eternity. Nothing like shooting down my point before I get a chance to even make it!

Anyway.

When did it start? This need to have a “professional advisor” for everything?! Is it an age old problem or just a American female phenomenon in an over-indulgent, affluent society?

… Americans have come to believe that only an expert can teach them the correct way to, say, walk, or bend their knees or think well of themselves.

Now I’m not saying there’s not a place in our lives for great decorators – and I especially love it when they happen to be a close friend – but at the end of the day – its nice to have an opinion and be able to count on your own taste and wisdom to say whether or not you like something. I have a friend who insisted that I take down the wallpaper in my dining room. She was even willing to tear it down for free and help me put something in its place. But I love that wallpaper—even now as I can see it from where I am sitting. And I don’t want it torn down. See, I think too often we will convince ourselves that if one person – who is supposed to be the expert on such things (this friend is an excellent decorator) – doesn’t like it – then we aren’t supposed to like it either.

And that is what I’m talking about at the moment and what I want to take issue with. I’m truly not trying to throw every professional expert or life coach under the bus here. But those professionals are humans too – and they will not always be infallible in their advice.

What I want to do with this post is encourage every women out there to remember that …

So, let’s start acting like image bearers. There is something innate in us – call it women’s intuition – call it a God-given-gift – call it wonderful and mysterious – but don’t not call it! Don’t squelch what you know in your heart to be true just because someone else has another opinion.

Wisdom is not just given to the overly educated or trained professional – wisdom comes from God. And he is lavish with it!

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. (James 1:5)

For the Lord gives wisdom and from his mouth comes knowledge and understanding (Proverbs 2:6)

We may want to ask ourselves – where are we gaining our wisdom if not from God? Scary thought, eh? Eve tried to get her wisdom from eating a piece of fruit (Genesis 3:6). Are we gorging ourselves on things like People Magazine and Cosmopolitan – quizzing ourselves on everything from celebrities to sexuality in order to gain wisdom? If that is the case then perhaps we do need a life coach – just so they can tell us to “stop it.”

Lillian Barger wrote a very thought provoking book called Chasing Sophia. I read it several years ago – and there were certain passages that really stayed in my mind. Here’s a whole paragraph that I think is worth quoting:

“The contemporary woman’s ideal life not only includes the expected high-power career but also the pursuit of the perfect body and satisfying emotional life—an endeavor that requires an entire collection of experts to help her get everything she needs. Women are now big consumers of professional advice. (Witness the $150-an-hour personal coach to help you reach your life goals and a therapist who helps decipher your emotional resistance to success.) I don’t want to demonize professional guides, but it’s important to recognize that many more of us are paying therapists to help us pay attention to our lives at the very same time our everyday surroundings continue to sabotage their work. Suffering from twice the rates of depression as men, women are swimming in a sense of inadequacy, and professional “helpers” are there to soothe us. We hire life coaches, spiritual directors, psychotherapists [yikes! now it may appear I’m throwing my husband under the bus!] and personal trainers. Add innumerable self-help books, seminars, and the advice columns in most women’s magazines. We can’t get enough direction.”

That was Lillian. This is from the Bible:

You have the mind of Christ! (1 Corinthians 2:16)

And we need to watch ourselves that we aren’t throwing that away on the mind of the world – that mindset that tells us we need all these things to be satisfied or empowered. It does just the opposite! It makes me personally feel inadequate and stupid – and I hate feeling inadequate and stupid.

Here’s another consequence of all this hectic living – we no longer have time for one another. What ever happened to the girlfriend who could give you wise, Godly counsel? I think one of the main reasons why people go to therapists is because they have no one in their lives who will speak truth to them. That is downright sad!

So, before I throw any more people under this bus I’ve been creating here – I think I will take my own advice and clothe myself with the mind of Christ, give up on my pondering, and fall down on my knees and repent for my own hectic living. Repent for not bringing every thought captive to God first – or even last – as I go about my days. And live in such a way that makes me available to those who God calls me to minister.

I love the way Charles Krauthammer ends his chapter “Life by Manual,” so I’ll end with it too:

Woody Allen, the movie character, once said: I’ve had 17 years of psychotherapy—one more and I’m going to Lourdes. Times up, Woody. You’ve tried technique. Now get on that plane.

Women are often brought up with the mentality that there can be only one prettiest girl in the room. Lauren Winner told me so—to me and 200 other women at a Synergy Conference in Orlando over seven years ago.

I have a feeling my husband was brought up with that mentality too, because after some big event where there are tons of pretty women in a room – he always let’s me know that I was the prettiest girl in the room. And I believe he truly thinks that. And I also believe he is probably the only one.

Now, I imagine if you are one those who think you are that woman, you must surely feel threatened every time a new face joins your circle of influence. That’s got to be tough to live with. Rob Lowe even said it’s hard to be so good looking—or something to that effect.

I’ve never had that problem—especially after my mother-in-law—after meeting me for the first time—said, “you’re pretty enough, but not enough to be conceited about your looks.” And that was one woman who told it as she saw it.

But I’ve often wondered, what is it about a Synergy conference that makes everyone feel like they are the prettiest girl in the room. I remember going for the first time in 2005 and thinking to myself – if this gets fluffy and I start feeling the least bit uncomfortable, I’m bolting. I actually said something to this effect to my friend, Linda Reich, who I went with. It was her husband who told me I was going and he got me a plane ticket that day. So, I went only to please them. But I came away with a new found respect for women who are out to advance the Kingdom of God, and not their own agendas. Perhaps that’s why everyone feels like the prettiest girl in the room. It’s never about the women—it’s about their God—who truly is beautiful. I’ve been to four Synergy conferences (2005 to 2008) – and every time I leave I want to step it up for the Kingdom of God. I come away asking myself – OK, what does God want me to do? … now that he has refreshed my entire being, equipped me with great teaching, and made me feel that I can do all things through him who greatly strengthened me through the women at Synergy.

Carolyn James is the woman who started Synergy. Of course, she doesn’t take all the credit—or even a little of the credit—and attributes their beginning to a conversation around a dinner table with friends. But Synergy has the influence of Carolyn all over it. She is a big reason why all women come away feeling beautiful in Christ.

She personally takes me by the hand and introduces me to other women in similar vocations. Every time I am with her she goes to that place of depth in a conversation that makes me feel like I am one of her intimates. Every time she speaks it is out of her personal struggles and experiences and how that meshes with her theology and the Word of God. She never shuts you out. She invites you in. And God has indeed given her “stuff” to struggle over. She’s not had it easy. But it’s apparent that regardless of her circumstances she trusts God to be her Lord. And then she has this husband who thinks she can do anything. He seems to always be pushing her out of the nest. In a good way that is. He’s truly her biggest cheerleader.

This past Friday Carolyn had surgery to remove cancer from her lungs. Frank says she’s walking the halls already and recouping in ezer-like fashion.

Carolyn has given much to my life and I pray that she recovers beautifully – because the body of Christ needs her. She unites. She loves. She instructs. She shows me how to love better – because she has always loved me well. Thank you my beautiful sister in Christ.

“The essence of America – that which really unites us — is not ethnicity, or nationality or religion – it is an idea — and what an idea it is: That you can come from humble circumstances and do great things. That it doesn’t matter where you came from but where you are going.”
― Condoleezza Rice

I come from humble circumstances. Born in Touro Infirmary. My mother was nineteen and my father was twenty. And we lived in the projects of New Orleans on Basin Street until I was five. We had a brief stint in a middle class neighborhood in Metairie – where I remember my older brother getting in a fist fight with a neighborhood boy – and many parents in the neighborhood – including the other boy’s – were rooting for the other boy. Both of their names were Mike – so I assumed some were rooting for my brother – until he got the upper hand and they broke it up. But I think that incident sent a message even back then – “you all don’t measure up.” But not to worry – we moved to Kenner the summer before my fifth grade – into a lower, middle class neighborhood – where we fit right in.

That’s what the gospel of John says happened to Jesus. It’s a human occurrence. Jesus felt it. Do you ever wonder how it made him feel? I do, which leads me to label this as the saddest verse in all the Bible.

But, here’s what is so positively glorious about the kingdom of God:

The last will one day be first. (Matthew 19:30)

What others intend for harm, God intends for good. (Genesis 50:20)

One is blessed when they are insulted and persecuted and accused falsely. (Matthew 5:11)

Any of this happen to you this week? Then I say, join the club! And! Consider it pure joy when trials of many kinds come your way – because they have the potential to develop great character in us! (James 1) They help you to look more like Jesus – and they are for your good – not your harm. We are called to a life of struggle – because the world struggles – and what greater way to identify with one another than to know what it is like to feel “less than.”

And it is especially in these times, when it will serve us well to remember how great the love of God is especially for those feeling the sting of rejection. I just love this verse:

How great is the love that the father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God. And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is because it did not know him. (1 John 3:1)

See! you are in fabulous company. Revel in what you are: Children of God!

And remember, even though it may hurt, being humbled is often a good thing. We are called to humble ourselves under God’s mighty hand – and often that means feeling humiliated by others – but in due time God will indeed lift you up. Make sure you write it down when it happens! Can I just tell you, how many times I have seen this over and over in my own life – just when I feel the sting of feeling excluded – something glorious comes along – straight from heaven – usually via a human – to cause me to remember just how great the love of God is for me personally. All these lessons are achieving for us a glory that far outweighs these light and momentary struggles. (2 Corinthians 4:16)

It’s preaching the gospel to ourselves – which is what I was just doing above to myself! – that will lift our emotional well being to new heights. Those heights that are made perfect in our weakness – because His grace – when we tap into it – cling to it with all our might – and allow it to permeate our souls’ deepest hurts – is indeed most sufficient. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

And I think God agrees with Condoleezza Rice when she says,

That it doesn’t matter where you came from but where you are going.

Perhaps its time to stop wallowing in our own insecurities and emotional baggage that just love to render us ineffective and unproductive – and recognize that God created us to take dominion over all the earth and subdue it (cf. Genesis 1:28) – now that’s a calling for an “ezer.”

Can’t remember when it all started – because isn’t it funny how when something big is starting you don’t even realize it? It’s sort of like that question that only a few can answer – “So when did you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Savior?” I’m so afraid of that type question that I just try and accept him every day – just in case – always like to be safe – or should I say saved (can’t help it – I was raised a Southern Baptist).

So, I turned 50 (over four years ago) and my motto for that year was:

I don’t know.

Because … that is exactly what happened. There were just entirely too many questions out there in the world that I didn’t have the answers to – and too many people who seemed to know everything – like Condoleeza Rice – she frankly intimidated me.

I remember too during that time – that I was just coming off a two year high – of feeling on top of the world – more fit than I’d been in 20 years – the best kind of relationships – and a vocation that was really gaining momentum – but not sure what happened – perhaps I could say: I happened. Perhaps I began to make idols of my new physique, my relationships, my vocation …

What am I saying!? – I totally did – no perhaps about it.

When some of those things were threatening to be taken from me – I held on so vigilantly I made myself neurotic. I clearly remember the moment at Caribou coffee with a friend. And another at Starbucks with another friend.

Yikes – I should quit with just two memories before I make myself neurotic again!

Every good and perfect gift is from above … (James 1:17)

You see, I took these good and wonderful gifts – and turned them into idols (aka making them more important to me than the Giver of the gift).

I found my identity in my vocation more than in the Giver. I enjoyed my relationships with others more than I enjoyed my relationship with the Giver. And then the gentle Giver began to show me the error of my ways.

Now, I won’t go into all the ways he showed me – but I can tell you that it was a tinge painful at times – yet – it was also gentle.

See, I get the overwhelming feeling that God loves me a ton – and he is jealous of my love. He continually gives me the choicest of gifts – and I too often turn them into … well you know.

So, needless to say I have given back to him my vocation, my friendships and my body (not sure he wants that one) – and let him do with them what he wants.

And he brought me to a place of “I don’t know.” A place of being back on my face, and finding my satisfaction in him.

In a dry and weary land where there is no water, my souls thirsts after you O God. (Psalm 63:1)

That’s where I needed to be—thirsting after God and not those good and perfectly lovely gifts. I heard in a sermon that when you get to the desert and your satisfaction is not found in Jesus, you will dry up.

Now, I don’t just give up my mottos when the year is over – I add them to my collection.

And here are a couple of things I have gained in this I don’t know motto.

First, but not the most important – I have come to love relying on other people’s inspiration, wisdom and creativity. I often think God has me in a “cloud of ineptness” so that I will more be communal. Lone rangers are so unattractive to me.

This communal reliance reminds me of my dear friend Elizabeth Garn – she is one 20-something-year-old who helped me step it up for kingdom activity like you wouldn’t believe. God knew just when to send her my way – and it was a beautiful thing [note: this is not chronological by any means – God sent me Elizabeth in 2006 at the beginning of my current vocation]. Her creative brain and love for the Lord and others was instrumental in those early days.

I also love what my preaching professor said to me back in the last millennium—advice I’ve dished out more times than I can remember:

“You don’t have to know, just get ready.”

That was after I said, to him, “I have no idea where God is calling me.”

Here’s the thing, I still don’t know – many things – but I do know this – God knows everything – and he doesn’t just know it – he takes notice of it – and is pleased in leading and delighting in his children.

So my motto of 50 did evolve that year in order to add something of great importance:

Last week I saw my husband do something I’ve never seen him do. He squashed a bug with his bare hands. I was so impressed! You see Tom often will spray something from a distance of at least five feet until he thinks its dead and then leave the dying creature for someone else (aka me) to clean up.

Now, mind you the bug was a very small spider – and I’m pretty sure he thought it was on the outside of the windshield – so I think he was as surprised as I was when it squashed between his finger and the windshield – but that just cracked me up!

And I couldn’t help but point out to him that this was yet another “first” for our marriage. Just when I thought I’ve seen it all, I get to see my husband do something so incredibly enjoyable after 30 years of marriage.

Today is the two month anniversary of my first blog. By now, if you’ve read all fifteen posts – you may get the feeling I’m a little impetuous, random and chaotic. Like my friend, who when I asked, “so you’re a little charismatic?”, answered “Oh no, I’m a lot charismatic,” I echo, “Oh no, I’m a lot impetuous, random and chaotic.” So, can I chalk it up to being 54 (aka peri-menopausal)? I think I can. You know what they say: What you are at 20 you can double it at 40, triple it at 60.

One minute I’m soaring on the wings of eagles – like right now – and the next I’m overtaken with doubts and ruminating thoughts that aren’t healthy – like yesterday.

And often I’m wondering to myself – and to the Lord – what happened to cause my EQ (emotional quotient) to soar? Again, I’m ready to bottle it. Whatever “it” is.

But I can’t – so why not just be content to enjoy the moment? And in this contented moment, it would serve me well to remember that when the discouraging moments come – they too will pass – and often quite quickly.

Now that’s not to minimize the effects of a good humored husband either!

Here’s another random moment that brought me sheer delight …

The other day we were watching a show which explained why older humans have a hard time remembering things. It really was refreshing to anyone over 50 and struggling with this sort of thing. Because, they blamed our memory on the fact that we older folks have so much in our brains – its like a computer that has to sift through all that knowledge to find the answer to the pressing question at hand.

So anyway.

After this TV episode, sitting in our home of 19 years,Tom says, I have to go to the bathroom. … pause…

Would you mind telling me how to get there?

Does that not kill you?

It did me.

See, it’s those things, those moments of random delight – of taking delight in my husband’s attempt to delight me – whether intentionally or unintentionally (the spider episode) – and finding something fun and new to take notice of.

Now of course this has me thinking . . .

I wonder if God does that with us?

Does he just giggle with glee when we do something so delightful? Does he want to share the joy with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and those angelic beings I imagine dancing around His throne? I’m really not sure what that looks like and some may even think it is inappropriate to even speculate about such a thing.

But COME ON!!!

Is he – the God of the Universe – still rejoicing over his creatures? I say a whopping YES! Folks, it is truly time to dance occasionally – and to recognize that we have an audience of One at our disposal – so what are we doing with that realization – using it to glorify Him by bringing him delight – or just disposing of the moment?