my husband is not my soul mate

I would like to say that while grading my students’ essays there is never a dull moment, but that would be an absolute lie.

Mostly grading students’ essays is a boring, excruciating job. It makes me rethink my college career path, my desire to be a teacher, and life in general. Essays written by twelve year olds are life sucking.

But then there are moments, just a line or two, that flip switches. Maybe not in the students’ heads–they still don’t seem to remember to indent a new paragraph or to not use abbreviations in formal writing–but a switch, a light bulb, will go off in my head and, like dominoes, one thing leads to another and then there we are.

It’s not fair that people with disabilities get judged by how they look. Some adults don’t get soul mates because of how they are looked at.
-Makenzie, 7th grader

There are about a million different ways I could go right now. Those two sentences are so full of confusion and discussion points, I could probably make those lines a series of posts, but where I’m going has to do with “soul mates.”

Soul mates.

The first thing I wanted to do was run home and tell my children–my daughters–that soul mates aren’t real. That this isn’t something to dream about, something to wish and hope for. Because it will let you down and make all your real, healthy, and sometimes-disappointing relationships feel less than.

The only thing stopping me from this conversation is that my daughters are three and five. They think they’re going to grow up and marry their daddy. They’re not sure if they’ll be the husband or the wife though because those are confusing words to remember. In our house gender roles are the exact opposite of societal norms. I don’t want them to know how our house works isn’t “normal.” I don’t want them to think one way is normal, I want them to figure out what works best for their world when they finally get to make their own.

But I don’t want them to long for, look for, or hold out hope for their soul mate. Because they will always be let down. Chris Graham is not my soul mate. He is my husband, my best friend, my lover, my favorite person to talk to, my biggest cheerleader, and my family.

But he does not complete me, fill me up, or make my world.

He challenges me, encourages me, and talks me down off cliffs, but he isn’t the end-all-be-all of my world. That is a dangerous thing to ask of a relationship because I’m in love with and married to a flawed man. And he married a really flawed Mary. The idea that I can complete the hole he has in his heart, this want for something to fill him up, is wrong and destined to be painful. Because that hole isn’t of this world. That want and need we have for someone to know us, really know us, will never be satisfied while we’re here on earth.

And I think that idea, that lie we’ve been sold, damages so many relationships, ends marriages, and leaves countless people unhappy when they’ll truly never be happy.

I love my husband. I think he’s pretty awesome or I wouldn’t have married him and had some babies with him. He makes my life more interesting, makes me better, and loves me even when I’m not very lovable (which is a lot of the time). I picked a good one, for sure. And I’m glad he’s in my life.

But if I hadn’t met him, I think my life would still be pretty good. I wasn’t waiting for someone else to come along and rescue me from my horrible existence. I had a good existence before him. I was loved and cared for and fought for by a Father that made me whole in a way no one else could.

Soon I’m going to let my daughters in on the “soul mate” secret. That it’s made up and dangerous and unrealistic. That their God loves them more than any man ever could and that no one will ever come along and complete them the way they long to be completed. Their longing isn’t of this world. But that isn’t to say I don’t want them to find amazing husbands one day. It’s something I pray about often, asking God to be molding those young men–wherever they are–to be good mates for my girls, to be strong men of God, to have character above everything else. But that they don’t look to complete a girl’s life, either. That they’re pretty good on their own and then they meet one of my amazing daughters and they’ll want to do life together. And serve God together. Because He’s their soul mate. He’s their whole.

I agree with this article and everything you said Mary. As a man i grew up with the sense of relationships that you hope to instill in your daughters, i was taught that marriage was a bonus in life, not life itself and that a successful relationship is not made up of two people that are perfect for each other. Marriage is a second job that both parties must commit, sacrifice, compromise, and work at in order to yield a partner that someone can be happy with for life. My wife is not perfect and neither am i, but we both agree that the imperfections DO NOT out weigh the happiness that we bring each other.

@Jeremy, you said: “…a successful relationship is not made up of two people that are perfect for each other. Marriage is a second job that both parties must commit, sacrifice, compromise, and work at…”

As I’ll note in a separate comment, those two ideas are not mutually exclusive. You’re right, marriage absolutely IS something that both parties must commit, sacrifice, compromise, and work at. But just because that’s the case, it doesn’t mean that a marriage can’t exist between two people who actually are perfect for each other.

everyone to their opinion….I would say though my SOUl mate is someone i will never marry, that truly exists and without her support life would be most grey. Finding your soul mate has nothing to do with love, and they usually appear in your life and it may be a lifetime before you realize that perhaps God sent this person into your life. If you look for something you often dont find it. If you sit quietly, live your life love and treat others the way you wish to be, you may just find there has been one in your life and we are so busy we never noticed. The problem is that it is associated with love and marriage. I never told my daughter about a soulmate…and i feel she does not believe that it is worthwhile to wait for the love of her life. At the moment she has the love of her life and yet that could change with time. I say all of this because i have been fortunate to recognize the one in my life, she is married and blissfully happy. Yet we know without talking when the other is hurting or in need of some help. A soulmate is a friend unlooked for, a place that you can truly place your trust. I realize God is the only place really to place your trust but God cares for his children and may often send help in mysterious ways. Buddhist believe that often a soul may split apart on it’s way to reincarnation and sometimes these pieces find themselves again in the next life….this is a soulmate. Has nothing to do with love, marriage, or any preconceptions of what it is or isn’t. Like God it simply is.

I agree with this response to the above article/blog/whatever it is supposed to be labeled. I have always been a “hopeless romantic”; and the idea alone was enough to satisfy me. As I am not religious in the way you are a religious, I am still religious in my own way. I have high standards and morals and strong beliefs (as I think everyone should). However, I HAVE found my soul-mate.. he is also my best friend, lover, critic, and biggest fan and it was complete happenstance that we even fell into each other’s existence. As far as I know, these are qualities that qualify someone as a soul-mate. I have been in a relationship (healthy, loving, happy) for nine years now with my boyfriend- and not just nine years here and there.. nine years of living together and having disagreements and working through hardships… and everyday is a great day for us. I find that we are still growing and learning new and better ways to live our lives and be better people for each other, ourselves and those around us in essence. So, call me crazy (and I will say I don’t know many couples that have what we have) but I do believe we are each other’s “soul-mates”. Again, since I am a true hopeless romantic I don’t believe you should be with someone unless you think that they were the one meant for you. But, I also think that it is wonderful that even though you don’t think your husband is your “soul-mate”; you still love him, appreciate him, and respect him all the same. On a lighter note- and only because my mother is a grammar major/”Nazi” (and you having already stated you are a school teacher) it totally urks me when people end their sentences in prepositions- as did your student in the excerpt you included from her essay and you yourself did it once that I noticed. Again, please don’t be offended by any of what I have commented (esp. the grammar comments) because I am in no way perfect. I just thought it worth mentioning as you are a school teacher. Thank you for reading, if you did, and thank you for the wonderful blog/post/whatever this is to be labeled! :O)

you cant be perfect for eachother when in fact, noone is perfect, and its this ideoligical fantasy that ruins relationship expectactions. girls and boys are taight to look for and expect a fairytale that simply does not exist and no one person can meet those expectations.

I love what the writer had to say, and I think you took it a little out of context. From a Christian/biblical perspective, your husband shouldn’t be your end-all-be-all…otherwise you don’t need Christ. You shouldn’t put ALL your trust in him or find your worth in him. Your identity is found in the Lord and who He made you to be, and when you’re confident in that, you can love your husband freely. If you find who you are in your husband, you can’t love him freely because your focus is more on yourself and what his words/actions are saying about you.

I would be beyond devastated if I lost my husband, but my life wouldn’t be over because my true joy is found in God. My husband makes me so happy, but true joy only comes from the Lord.

Looking at it from a completely different angle, if there’s only one person (one soul mate) out there for everyone, what happens when one person marries the wrong one? That takes someone else’s soul mate, who then never finds their true soul mate and ends up with someone else’s, and so on.

Was the original author coming from a Biblical perspective? I respect your point of view, but it’s entirely possible that hopeless romantic actually doesn’t need Christ. Does a Buddhist need Christ? How about someone who is Jewish? My point is, I don’t think that you and hopeless are using the same words for the same meanings.

Just like I don’t attempt to predict what exactly God has for store for us after we pass from this life, I don’t try to predict the exact disposition of various souls and their soulmates. Perhaps only some souls are destined to find their soulmates, at least in this lifetime?

I believe in reincarnation. I know that my first wife and I were definitely not soulmates… so perhaps she’s with someone else now, in a different life, who actually is her soulmate. (She died 5 years ago at age 30). The woman I’m married to now? Definitely my soulmate. By soulmate, I mean that we have been together in many lives past and will continue to find each other in future lifetimes. When I first saw her online profile and sent a message, the connection was instantaneous… we spent the next week communicating incessantly… whenever we weren’t sleeping or working, we were talking to each other. Then we met. Our first date was 14 hours- it blew way past my “maximum 3 hours on the first date” rule. 🙂 Yes, our relationship and marriage takes work- we’ve had struggles and difficulties like every other married couple. But our connection is too deep and got too deep too quickly to not be a product of our souls meshing perfectly…

This is the first time EVER that I have seen the words, “My Husband is not my soul mate,” in print. I absolutely agree! I thought by making that statement aloud, I would be labeled cruel and insensitive. Also, my husband is NOT my best friend. I have been blessed with a best friend for the past 28 years. She and I lived together for 8 years. We have been at the birth of each others children. I knew her many years before my husband and I met. My husband is just that, my husband. I love him with all my heart. I don’t remember the Bible stating that a husband should be your best friend or your soul mate. I am truly blessed to have my husband. God has provided for me richly. Thank you for writing your article.

@Lisa Weinman, I thank you so much for the part about your husband not being your best friend. I thought I was the only one that felt & thought that my husband is not my best friend yes just my husband. Thank you again

@Debra, I think you misread. She said “Chris Graham is not my soul mate. He is my husband, my best friend, my lover, my favorite person to talk to, my biggest cheerleader, and my family.
But he does not complete me, fill me up, or make my world.” Your husband isn’t your best friend? This is purely a question, not a judgement. Aren’t you supposed to marry your best friend? I always thought of that as the most important role for a significant other. If not the extreme closeness, what made you fall in love with him?

Yes, Lisa. I have a WONDERFUL marriage of 22 years (5 kids) ; but he is not my best friend. & it’s ok !!!
The Lord is my best friend;( & I don’t say it piously either.) Thanks so much for sharing that.
Star

Thank you for sharing what I also feel about my own marriage. Where and who said our husbands were suppose to be our best friend? Just because that’s politically correct, doesn’t make it so for everyone.

You put great words to the revelations I have been having going through the demise of my 12 yr marriage. I’ve never looked for my soulmate. My wife has longed all her life for one. We were both raised the way we are now. She’s a wonderful person and extraordinary mother. But I need only for her to be with me not complete me. Her actions have always shown she needs to complete me. We have always struggled. In tears and some pain I say thanks for the voice.

Absolutely true article. After 22 years of marriage I found my soul mate – 6 years ago – working in ministry with an amazing man. Totally innocent, complete love for one another, nothing sexual – just sharing in the extraordinary ministry of hospice, pastoral care and the elderly. So grateful for this soulmate. I feel I have been called away from my loveless marriage to minister. A huge hold within me has been filled. Thanks for the great article. I have daughters that I want to tell this to – in time, however i think they already know.

I think you have completely missed the point of this post. The writer is not giving you a justification for finding your ‘soulmate’ in another man besides your husband because your husband is not that for you. That’s ridiculous! The point being made is that only God can fill the empty places of our soul and complete us. You are on dangerous ground.

gatheringstrength: Did you really think the writer meant end your marriage if you find your “soul-mate”? Nowhere in this article did she advocate anything of the sort. She simply saying that she loves her man, but he is not the one that fully completes her and fully knows her to the depths of her; her heavenly Father is/does. I am twice divorced; once for infidelity and once for abuse/addiction, so you won’t get religious judgment from me. Whatever you chose in your life, I hope it blesses you and your husband and children, but please do not think that running from a “loveless” marriage into the arms of another flawed human being will complete you. Blessings.

This whole article is the biggest load of garbage – the fact that people who have such simple minds and souls desire to share their “knowledge” with the little minds of children who look for guidance scares me for the future of this society. “Teachers”? wow. Who wants to tell children not to hope for the best? Because people settle and think that’s it- I’m so beyond disgusted… And while you’re at it, fill their heads with the oh so realistic stories of the bible.

Not settle ever? So, tell your child to never be happy then; not THAT sounds like a wonderful life! News flash… the world is flawed, people are flawed, so go ahead and never settle with imperfection and let me know how that works out for you.

While I can understand not wanting children to have unrealistic expectations, I also agree with Disgusted in a way. The premise of this article is entirely unfounded.

The author loves her husband, and that’s great. She wants to protect and teach her kids, that’s a beautiful thing. She lives a life of faith and that is fantastic! But this article isn’t about the actual love, or protecting children from disappointment, or living faithfully; it’s about using religion as a feel-good explanation for the apparent lack of fulfillment in the middle stages of her marriage.

She touts this concept of “Soul Mates” being a filthy, relationship-ruining blight and explains that with even more mystical ideas, proposing that her unfulfilled marriage can be explained by some perfectly natural inability to fill a spiritual “hole”. She believes that based on her individual experiences, all marriages must ultimately not be fulfilling because it’s just simply impossible for two humans to complete each other… Only religion can do that!

And of course, it’s perfectly acceptable to impress this mentality on children, even whilst simultaneously wishing to allow them to “…figure out what works best for their world…”

Perhaps instead of making up spiritual hole-filling excuses, and blaming universal concepts for being misleading, she should examine her life more closely and figure out why she is really unfulfilled.

You totally lost the plot hun. You must not be truly Christian. Cozif u were, ud get her. She writes in the simplest of ways, the utmost truth. And, its not just any ‘religion’ that she is saying will fill this spiritual whole. Its God. How honstly will an equally flawed being ‘complete’ you? only your maker can do that. Seek him first and the rest will fall into place, k?

MissKombe, perhaps you didn’t comprehend my above comment. Please re-read it. Saying I’m not truly Christian unless I “get her” is ridiculous. Also, it doesn’t matter what she suggests you fill the hole with, whether it’s God, Buddha, or Thor. The fact is, we humans can complete each other completely. I live my faith, but that doesn’t mean I use God (or lack thereof) as an excuse for the shortcomings in my life.

I won’t fault you for presumptuous accusations since you couldn’t possibly know me well enough to come to an informed conclusion. Nonetheless, please try to aim for a bit more comprehension before wasting my time (and yours) with a pointless reply.

The fact is, we humans are liars, haters, bullies, murders, lovers, friends, givers, etc. Does that make us flawed? Yes. Does a human fight (verbally and/or physically) with another human? Yes, all the time. How can one human be complete with another human if we all are flawed? You can’t

This blog is telling people that the myth of your perfect other half is just that–a myth. Because we are not halves, we are whole. We are not “completed” by joining with another person, we are complimented and if we choose well, our lives are enhanced and made richer. At no time is the author advocating for “settling” nor did I interpret this as the musings of a woman in an “unfulfilled marriage”. She seems to be very happy and love her husband and her life. Her point, which I thought was pretty simple and straightforward is this: She would love her life regardless of her marital status because her life was never predicated on finding a missing piece. For her, the only missing piece that can complete her is God. I think this holds true for people with more secular orientations as well. We will not be made happy and whole when we find that perfect other who completes us. We are our own soul mates. Get it?

Yep. Yep. It is so interesting to listen to people saying they are not prejudiced and find out they are more prejudiced than most.

I believe that everyone can and should raise their families the way they believe is the best, at least until we all, as a society, find out what is the “best way” and whether it even exists (hint: I don’t think so). But since the author has written a post on this and allowed comments, I think it would be only fair if I share all the things I personally find wrong about her logic.

First off, she starts by saying that some other kid’s or parent’s perception about love, marriage or sou mates is wrong. Well, just because you happened to not marry your soul mate, or you don’t believe they don’t exist, it doesn’t mean you should slaughter others for it. I mind you, I used to be very cynical about soul mates and blah blah, but after a year ago, when I gathered the consciousness and courage to break up with my fiance, who truly loved me and was a good man but I just didn’t feel like he was the man I have ever wanted, and shortly after that I found my soul mate – I can tell you this – it might not happen to everyone, not everyone believes and hence pursues this, but this doesn’t mean people should try. Killing someone’s hopes is no better than raising someone expectations.

I also didn’t see your definition of “soul mates” – if your husband is everything that you explained – how is this different than a soul mate?
* Soul mate to me is someone who you feel “at home” when in their hands.
* Someone who you are not afraid to be yourself in front of, because you know they understand you on a deeper level.
* Someone who shares your main values.
* Someone who you don’t have to think whether you love them or not, and whether they are your soul mates or not – you know it, you feel it.

In that sense, I hope one day my children settle for nothing than less, because life is not as nearly as enjoyable, beautiful and sometimes bearable if you don’t have that one person next to you. Surely, you are going to be fine without them. But I am not the kind of person who wants to go through life being..just fine. I want to best out of it. And I want it for my children.

And please notice – I didn’t mention I will TEACH my children, not even EXPLAIN to them how life and love works. I will just have conversations with them, I will ask them what they think and I will make sure that they see themselves what soulmates are, just by observing their father and I, the best way you can teach kids something is just by living it.

And if we put all differences aside between you and me – whether we believe in soul mates, whether we met and married ours and what we want for our children – I can’t help but be bugged by what you said – you don’t want to misguide your children and tell them they should look for their soul mates, but you are so set on teaching them they shouldn’t. What happened to ” I don’t want them to think one way is normal, I want them to figure out what works best for their world when they finally get to make their own.”??

And don’t get me even started on how you plan on taking all the things you said they shouldn’t hope for or look for in a partner and transferring them on “God”. While I have no issue with Christianity and the notion of God and I do believe that faith can help certain people get through life easier, how do you know that’s best for your kids? If they want to discover life for themselves, why don’t you let them do so with religion? And how would you have the heart to crash you little girl’s dreams and chances of finding their soul mate and at the same time convince them they can find that in a hypothetical myth? I find this soothing for people who have missed their chances and they lean on God and believe he is the one “fulfills” them but if your girls have the chance of finding an actual man of flesh and blood who will be there next to them day and night, will actually be able to talk to them, touch them, soothe them – isn’t that a tiny bit better? If we are complete they way we are why do we need god?

“That their God loves them more than any man ever could and that no one will ever come along and complete them the way they long to be completed. ” – this is so sad.. take it from a woman who doesn’t deny God, but takes her daily dose of love, laughter, support and understanding for the man next to her. And I thank my mom to the moon and back that she did NOT tell me not to raise my hopes and expectation of my future husband. I am complete with or without him but my life wouldn’t be half as fun and joyful without him. And if God gave me that – than thanks to him, too! One more sign that even God thinks soul mates exist and if you look for one – he will give it to you. How does that line in the Bible sound in English – “help yourself, so God can help you, too”?

My only advice is – think, think before you tell your little souls anything, no matter how convinced you are it is true…

@disgusted. She is not telling us that you shouldn’t have hope. Everybody should have hope. In todays society we are let down every day and for some reason parents of today think they need to raise their children to believe in things that are not necessarily going to happen. Why tell them that they have a soul mate out there? That is not necessarily true. They will figure that out on their own whether there is or not. Tell your kids the truth about life. Life is hard and nothing is just handed to you. You have to work for what you want. One of my pet peeves with parents today are the ones that give their child whatever they want. These kids are the ones that think that they deserve things that they didn’t work for.

I completely agree this may be the most ignorant contradictive thing I’ve ever read just like a woman to talk about how her husband does all these things that make her better yet isn’t her soul mate yet she doesn’t believe in soulmates?? Hahaha maybe if you take a look at all you have instead of looking at all the things other people offer to others life is not a movie ladies good luck finding that guy that does exactly what you want when you want but guess what if you do find that guy it’s not Going to last long because he will become very tired of doing everything you want or need at his expense all the time …it’s a two way street oh and I apologize for my punctuation and spelling considering the teacher wrote this 🙂

I think her point is more along these lines: “Have you noticed that when you realize you were made for Perfect Happiness, how much less disappointing the pleasures of earth become? You cease expecting to get silk purses out of sows ears. Once you realize that God is your end, you are not disappointed, for you put no more hope in things than they can bear. You cease looking for first-rate joys where there are only tenth-rate pleasures.” – Archbishop Fulton Sheen (You)

That’s a straw-man argument. Teaching kids that there is one specific person in the world destined to be their one and only because they are just naturally the right people for each other, more so than anyone else in the world is – that’s teaching them the worst, not the best (plus it simply is not true). Teach your kids they have choices, that part of who they are is their environment and upbringing, part of it is their free choice, and all of that factors in to who they marry (if they marry). There isn’t a lone “The One” that you are supposed to search for until you find – you have to choose who you most want to become that One for each other.

“So for all those who have spent their life seeking, know that purity of any thing is found at the Source. If it is love that you seek, seek it through God. Every other stream, not based in His love, poisons the one who drinks from it. And the drinker will continue to drink, until the poison all but kills him. He will continue to die more and more inside, until he stops and find the pure Course of water.”

She also says:
“However if the person you marry becomes your ultimate focus in life, your struggle has just begun. Now your spouse will become your greatest test. Until you remove that person from the place in your heart that only God should be, it will keep hurting. Ironically, your spouse will become the tool for this painful extraction process, until you learn that there are places in the human heart made only by – and for – God.”

You can search her up on YouTube as well, she gives lectures and talks. =)

Thank you for this.
This is exactly where I find my life at right now. My wonderful husband has been perfect in my eyes. I am now going through the very painful process of having his extracted from the wrong place in my heart.
Your comment sums up very well exactly what I have been going through.
I have become almost frantic in trying to do everything right and please him. The harder I try, the worse things become.
We finally talked about it. We decided to see if the expectations we have of each other are realistic, and lower those expectations.
I will check out this author. It sounds like she’s right on, at least for my life.
GodBless.

This correlates with something my mom said. We were driving somewhere, and she saw a sign in front of a church that said something to the order of “Love is caring about something more than yourself.” And my mom just got angry, she was like “I believe that love is primarily knowing how to love yourself, and using that to fuel positive relationships with others. I think that people overvalue others above themselves, and that leads to a lack of confidence in themselves.”

That really resonated with me, especially since my parents have been married for around 30 years. I have seen negative relationships (and experienced one as well), and all of them have the correlating factor of one or more individuals in the relationship not knowing how to love themselves.

Your mom is a wise woman. So true. Best piece of advice in a long time.

As a young girl, I was looking… searching… for that soul mate, but then one day, I realized I really like myself and don’t need anyone to complete me. I decided I had no interest in getting married. Ironically, I became very desirable b/c thr/realizing myself, I lived more happily and grew into a self confident woman). Years later, I met my husband – who is equally independent, well read, interesting to debate with and talk to, and adventurous. We have a very compatible life together, but we don’t try to complete each other, change each other, or fill a void. We make each other better by bringing out the best in each other and by respecting each other – living life together but not by trying to be each other’s everything. Liking / Loving yourself really does fuel positive relationships with a broad spectrum of people who will, in return, share your happiness and expose you to a breadth of interesting relationships and opportunities. I also think we all need to look inward to find happiness and not burden another with the task of loving us more than we can love ourselves.

With that said, I do believe some truly feel they have found their soul mate, and just b/c I don’t believe in that concept does not mean that they are not valid in their experience. I that is rare and not the norm.

Shane, thank you for that quote. I have learned more about loving myself and gaining confidence in myself as a mother from trying to be a good example for my kids. I love my husband and he loves me but there are times when I think “Is this how I would want my daughter or son to act?” Being the example I want to see in them has helped me better myself and in turn better my marriage and relationships.

Shane, your mother is a wise woman.
It is true that if we can’t love ourselves, then we can’t love others. If we think we do love another when we hate ourselves, that love comes from a place of lack and attachment. It begins to morph into a conditional love, wherein the one who hates themselves depends on the one they supposedly love to validate themselves. Then, if the one they love grows tired of being depended on and leaves….
We must all love ourselves. We must complete ourselves. God loves us unconditionally, and to not depend on and love ourselves it like telling God that we do not cherish and appreciate the life we were given. God is in all of us and everything. God is The Source, Love.
I believe we have many, many soul mates. From our children to our friends and family to our lovers and partners. My partner is definitely my soul mate. But he doesn’t complete me and I don’t depend on him for my happiness. It’s a lot to ask of someone to complete you and to mind your happiness. We have to find our own happiness and completeness within ourselves. My beautiful soul mate is just an added incentive 🙂

As a guy, my perspective might be a little bit different. But as the someone who has had the pleasure (or displeasure depending on how you want to look at it) of being in a variety of relationships over the years, I heartily disagree.

I did find my soulmate. There is a difference. It’s not to say that you can’t have a perfectly happy relationship without finding that perfect someone. From a scientific standpoint, dismissing that soulmates exist simply from person experience is like suggesting that allergies don’t because you don’t have any.

What I will acknowledge, however, is that soulmates are not always a good thing or even your best option. I don’t believe it is by any mistake that modern and classical literature is riddled with stories of star crossed lovers that end in tragedy. For myself and those I’ve generally seen find their “soulmate,” it doesn’t end well.

The fact is, there is a difference between being completed and compatible. Being “completed” is more of an attempt to explain the experience. Not a technical term for some sort of mathematical additon equation. Rarely, in my experience, have I seen soulmates fill in every deficiency that each other has. And often those that do aren’t your “soulmate.”

Maybe they make you feel alive or something special. There is a heightened sense of enjoyment and euphoria. But it’s more than normal. It’s different from the feelings attached to your first love (they generally won’t be) or general lust/infatuation. They just fit. You can’t explain it. You won’t know unless you find that special someone and might not realize how special that was until they are long gone.

The thing is, you can probably be completely content with simply a good mate. And I think soulmates may even be more detrimental than good in the long run because they rarely work. Like Romeo and Juliet, there is an aspect of heightened emotions and connectivity and oneness that is volatile and dangerous. To be operating on such a high level of sustained “soulmatiness” often leads such couples to make bad decisions or getting in the way of their own love.

Likewise, how many of us could truly live with ourselves? Often the greatest aspects of a soulmate can be their likeness to you in many or at least certain aspects. But that intense similarity can often be the cause of problems, issues, or headbutting.

It’s weird to watch or even be a part of. But I’ve found that often soulmates hurt each other because they love each other too much and too intensely. I know that probably doesn’t make any sense. But it’s true. And I agree. IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE! But it happens. And that’s probably one of the biggest problems with the idea of soulmates. It’s how stuff like the ending of Romeo and Juliet happens and why soulmates often fail.

In my mind, soulmates are just not meant to be together unless you are just the right person, at the right time, in the right situation (and since relationships rarely can be “planned” on that level that rarely happens). This might defeat the idea behind the term “soulmates” but that’s just how it seems to work.

That isn’t to say that sometimes when they are older, wiser, and smarter soulmates don’t sometimes reconnect or find each other and live out the rest of their days in happiness. But that generally doesn’t. Those are the type of ends people write for themselves and their love stories after such fails to be realized in real life. But it’s OK for that not to happen. It’s OK to simply find someone that makes you happy and you really love and stick with that. It isn’t really settling. It’s simply taking another route and finding a different solution to the same problem of love, life, and happiness.

The best way to illustrate it is with food. Somewhere out there there is your favorite meal. Something you’d travel many miles, weather a few storms, or practically kill for. It’s probably not something you could live off of but it is an amazing sensation unlike anything you have ever tasted or had. And then there is whatever you favorite food is right now. If you find that special delicacy you’d probably know instantly. But considering the amount of foods and nasty tastes and flavors you may have to try to find it, it probably isn’t worth it. Some people might stumble on it easily early on. And they might not realize how special a flavor that dish is until you can’t get it anymore. But there is a good chance that whatever it is, you are just as allergic to it as it is mouthwatering to you. So sometimes it’s OK if you’re favorite food is just pizza. Because if that’s what you love and makes you happy, then that’s usually enough.

The truth is, you can find someone that isn’t your “soulmate” who is compatible with you, has similarities and differences where it counts, and is worth spending a lifetime with. And for those out there lucky enough, you will never find your soulmate. Because sometimes in life it is better to not know what you are missing than to know and not have it. That is the true tragedy. How ironic, right?

Good read, I do believe how we interpret soul mate is a little misconstrued. I’ve always thought soul mate was a person who you mentally (on a higher level) connect with and that it wasn’t just limited to intimate relationships, but friendships as well.

I mean if we break down the word it really just means soul partner/ companion and a partner/companion is someone who compliment, not complete you. So soul mate is not a bad terminology, it’s just the way we interpret it needs some readjustment.

So if your husband is all you say he is, then technically he is your soulmate.

Right ! So much truth. I like how she put at the end that ultimately God is our soul mate and loves and knows us better than any one ever could. Finding a true relationship with Him will fill any void in our lives.

The idea that no one in ‘this world’ could ever truly know or love you completely is quite morose and almost completely denies the idea of Jesus. If he were real and lived at one point in time I believe according to Christian faith he would know and love you for all that you were, are and are not. I am not a religious person but to haunt your children with the idea that no one will ever fully love you/them (and you honestly believing that to be true) reveals a shred of light on the true darkness that people fail to (or conscientiously ignore) see within themselves. The problem that women face today I believe as not to do with the idea of a soulmate it is the idea that a woman has to be married to feel love and happiness which in my honest opinion quite warped.

I don’t think she meant that they would never be completely loved, just not completely whole. I never knew a man that loved his wife as much as my father loved my mother. But he didn’t complete her. When he died she mourned him b/c of the companionship and friendship and LOVE. They did EVERYTHING together. She didn’t mourn him b/c she couldn’t go on without him. If he completed her, then she wouldn’t exists without him. Nearly 5 years later does she still miss him, of course! But b/c of her faith she knows she will see him again one day. She doesn’t let his death dictate her life. She still lives…and very well, I might add.

God is most certainly NOT our SOUL-MATE! He is our CREATOR! That is why this article is wrong in what it says about the soul-mate. What I believe the author is trying to convey is, that our spouse is not to occupy the GOD space that exists in us—an entirely logical premise since God is SPIRIT.

The concept of a soul-mate comes from Genesis 2:18–24, “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for [corresponding to] him.'” The Hebrew text is ‘eizer k’negdo,’ a fitting helper, with no implication of the woman being a subordinate. It is important to understand that “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” [Gen. 1:27]—because in that act of creating man God was dividing up the totality of His image into what we observe as male and female qualities, and assigning them corresponding (but somewhat different) physical bodies. Therefore, the concept of a soul-mate, or “bashert” [a person’s soulmate, especially when considered as an ideal or predestined marriage partner] is totally justified Biblically. One commentary on Gen. 1:24 “…and they shall become one flesh.” says, “When two animals mate, it is simply a matter of biology, perpetuation of the species. When a man and a woman join in love, they are seeking more than reproduction. They are seeking wholeness, striving to recapture that sense of total union with another person that we are told existed at the very beginning.” [Eitz Chaim Torah and Commentary].

Unfortunately, in our modern haste to find a spouse (and no doubt to assuage the fires of lust without violating the letter of scripture), we don’t take the time to seek God’s best for us. What we should be teaching our children and grandchildren is character qualities, and to understand our strengths and weaknesses, and to look for the one, the bashert, whose character qualities compliment our own, and who also shares our worship of our Creator.

I’m going to have to disagree. I believe your definition of a soul mate is somewhat misconstrued. You defined it someone that completes you, someone that is your end all be all, someone that encourages you and fills a hole etc. I believe a soul mate is a person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet — a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful. A soulmate is someone who brings out the best in you and inspires you to be a better person each and every day. You just have a misconstrued definition of the word “soul mate.”

I was just thinking as I read it that it all depends upon your definition of ‘soul-mate”. I think it is easier for an intuitive type person to think as Macy does because if both partners are strongly intuitive they will have that mystic union we call ‘soul mate’. If the couple are both of the more factual, physically sensing type, they are likely to be more like Tricia’s description. They will be satisfied with what they have worked out together, and will be happy. Pity, though, the union where one is an Intuit and the other is a Sensor. They don’t even live in the same universe.

What you have written is so true. My husband is a sensor and I’m an intuit. It’s a tough road. He is not my soul mate, he’s not my best friend, but he is a lot of other wonderful things. It’s work and it’s a commitment daily made new. I have been blessed by sharing our lives, and was drawn to him like no one else I have ever met. (Despite our differences.)

I’ve never been someone to look to another to complete me or give me sense of fulfillment, so I do appreciate the premise of this post.

I agree with Macy. Some higher power brought me to my soul mate at age 42. After a 17 yr marriage and a 5 yr engagement. Both of which I was convinced I truly loved.. Until that day.. My soulmate was presented to me. I cared deeply for the others but never really knew love.. Real.. Love until now. I don’t tell my 7 children to hold out for a soulmate… I tell them to be self sufficient and follow their heart. If they are lucky enough to have this life planned to be reunited with a soulmate. (A mate of souls.. In life between this schoolroom) then I’m thrilled for them. I never gave a thought.. Growing up and growing old.. Of meeting a soulmate until it happened to me.

I found my soul mate after being married a long time to a man who controlled me and always picked fights with me. He never liked me for myself and always criticized me and never encouraged me. Unfortunately, my true soul mate was a hometown guy who was a brother to an old school friend, but died suddenly and we never got “together” after years of cross country correspondence. How sad. My husband once said I was his “soul mate”. How even sadder.

I never thought there really was a “soulmate” it was just a fancy endearing title and compliment to give your lover. But I found out differently, some are lucky to find their soul mate and realize it! I’ve experience this feeling, and can truly relate from the depth of my heart & soul! Thank You Macy for your insight of what you believe a true Soulmate is… I believe you don’t know until you experience the love or loss of it!

But love doesn’t work like that usually. It may sometimes, but an “instant connection” is almost always lustful or based on looks and shallow perceptions. True love should be God-based and centered around the notion that, like she stated, God is the only thing that can complete the soul. What a soul-mate actually is, by definition/etymology/history, and an article that addresses the idea in a way more closely related to how you view it can be found here: here (click!) and may help to clarify that her idea wasn’t perhaps as misconstrued as you may believe!(;

While I agree a lot of “instant connections” are actually more based on lust, when you finally find that soul mate, you realize the difference. But how dare you insist that true love should be god based and that god is the only thing that can complete the soul. Are you insinuating that anyone who doesn’t believe in god can’t truly love? Or that that love is somehow inferior? Love is complicated. Love is diverse. Love is not dependent on god. I have found my soul mate. I love her with every fiber of my being. She is an amazing partner. We have so much fun together. Sure, we have occasional arguments, but they never degrade, demean or bully. And no matter how miserable I might feel that day, she knows exactly what to do to make me laugh. And everything she is for me, I am for her. We were both happy and self sufficient before we met, but we strive to be better, and have a better life. We do this, not for ourselves, nor because it is a duty expected of a partner. We do this simply because we feel the other deserves our best every day. We know that it’s impossible to be our best all the time, but, when we fail, we don’t judge. We pick them up, brush them off, and give them a hug, because we know they tried. We do this because we love each other. God has nothing to do with it. We don’t tailor our actions out of fear of punishment, or desire for reward, from some arbitrary supernatural being that may not even exist (not saying he doesn’t, I’m just not sure). We do it because we are good people who have found another good person, and we want to share the experience of life together. That’s it. Our souls were complete before we met. We didn’t need anyone to come along to “fill a void”. If you feel your soul can only be completed by your idea of a god, by all means continue. But please realize that not everyone feels the same. Good people can still be good people, with or without god, and belief in god isn’t a requirement for love.

Hi, I’d just like to say (without imposing my beliefs on you, rather just sharing) that I believe that you have experienced God’s love through your love with your partner. To me your love sounds true, real and deep…. and when I see love like this I see God. I think He is present day to day in many more ways than we often realize, in every act of kindness or love. Just a thought that I felt compelled to share.

Agreed, but unfortunately trying to convince a really God worshiping religious type of any counter point to their undisputable two thousand year old rule book of life is the definition of pointless. These types of people have a complete disregard for any logical discussion on the topic of “is there a god”. To them there is one because there is one and that’s it. I’m fine with anyone having their own beliefs and practicing the denomination of Christianity that suits their needs best. I wish everyone could worship whatever they want, be it a bearded man or a shiny toaster, in the privacy of their own head without the need to spread the brain washing message of their particular group. This would eliminate the majority of hypocritical judgement of each other and the resulting conflicts that follow, along with 90% of all wars. Sorry that was a little off topic. PEACE not WAR

This had to be said. Thank-you. Yes, there are people out there who do really get you and to insist that they don’t exist and that some (potentially) imaginary being should be their soul mate is just… so disappointing. It breaks my heart for the author to not have known the love and depth of connection that IS humanly possible. Sure, people can be raised to settle and be “good” wives or husbands, BUT to have the desire to rob your daughters of the opportunity to love with all their heart is just… honestly heartless and hopeless and they won’t appreciate you for it one bit.

Well said, I agree 100%. My happiness is self made, my self worth comes from being the best person I can be. My marriage is based on love and respect, 50 years of it. Nothing in my life is based on love from God but love from family and friends and doing the right thing most of the time. It’s based on empathy for my brothers and sisters all over the world and the hope that this becomes a better more just world for my children and grandchildren because I believe that man is inherently good.

“We do this because we love each other. God has nothing to do with it. . . . We do it because we are good people who have found another good person, and we want to share the experience of life together. That’s it.”

“Good people can still be good people, with or without god, and belief in god isn’t a requirement for love.”

Even though I consider myself religious, these two quotes contain more truth than the entire article above. Thank you for this, Gossomer. Like Vi said, I can’t imagine robbing my children of the desire to love with all their hearts, or suggesting that humans are inadequate and unable to complete each other. God is important, but religious love will always be cold and empty compared to pure, rare, beautiful and true human love.

I can say that the instant connection the was talked about, does happen.. And it isn’t always lustful. I found my soul mate when I was in the 8th grade. At the time he was just a boy in the band and I was just a girl in the band and we had this connection. We dated later in high school and broke up, just like almost every high school relationship. Ten years down the line, he’s in Afghanistan and I’m in Missouri. He’s going through a divorce and I’m in an abusive relationship.. I randomly found him on a social media site and even through text, I felt that pull, that connection, even a decade later. He gave me the strength to leave the situation I was in, to start rebuilding my life. We ‘date’ for the 8 months he had on his deployment and two more months stationed in Germany while his divorce finalized and today we’re married with a baby on the way, and I can say he is my everything. He does fill that hole in my heart and I am happiest and feel complete with him. We call it fate.

I do agree that we, as a society if women, do look at the words ‘soul mate’ as something we have to accomplish in life, and it shouldn’t be. Your soul mate doesn’t have to be your significant other.. It could be your sibling, your best friend, your dad, the God you choose to follow.. It is a person you can’t seem to get out of your mind, who without, will change your life forever.. Who completes your soul in the only way that person can. I don’t think you choose your soul mate in life. I think there is one for everyone, we’re just looking too hard.

I couldn’t agree more, Macy. Reading this post made me realize she hasn’t married her soulmate. I have. He is everything that you stated so eloquently above. I don’t NEED him to complete me, but life is better because he is in my life.

Yep. I get that you may or may not marry your soul mate, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. I met mine, and we couldn’t be together for reasons I won’t get into here, but she exists and it was and is a love like no other.

wow you can not describe soul mate any better, it happened to me. and is true every world you typed. unfortunately we could not end together, due to she was married but the fact she was my soul mate it was too real that at a point it looks unreal. She made me better as i made her better,
and thanks to her i met God.

Macy, you sound very young and very idealistic. I am afraid that you have bought into the lie that has been sold to us through works of fiction from the last three centuries. I believe in love, but love at first sight is not love. Love is something that grows between two people and is based on commitment…. yes. What you are talking about are “feelings”. I have had those feelings, but without commitment, the feelings go away. If you have a committed significant other, you are lucky. If you do not, I hope you find one. Please do not fall into the trap of believing that someone else can make you happy. If you are not happy on your own, adding someone else to your life, cannot make you happy… it can make both of you miserable. First, be the best person you can be, then find someone and commit yourself to them. I agree with Mary. Only God can fill that hole in your soul. Only God can complete you. Only God can keep you committed to that other human being, when he or she is all too human.

Who are you to say that your experience with love and feelings is the way it is. I don’t believe in god and I am still in love with my wife whom I have loved since the first moment we met. Our love has grown and evolved. She is my sole mate. Only we can keep ourselves committed. I need no help from emaginary friends. Only she can complete me. And only I can prevent a forest fire. (That last line was for levity…my sole mate would understand). Ps.love is a feeling;)

I had this same conversation with a co-worker, she was telling her daughter that there is no such thing as a soul-mate, I told her that I found mine 28 years ago. He completes me and makes me a better, happier person because we are meant to be together. Well, that co-worker has since found hers and she is a new person, so happy and complete. There is someone out there for everyone. Don’t you think God has a plan and wants people to be happy? Just because you commit yourself to someone doesn’t mean you will be happy.

I agree and disagree with both this article and Macy’s comment. I completely agree with Macy that the poster just has an issue with how she thinks “soul mate” is defined. There are things people hear about soul mates that yes, are problematic and unrealistic. To some Macy’s definition may also be disagreeable, as many people who commented have expressed.

But that’s thing thing, it’s just how you define it. The OP said her husband is her ” best friend, my lover, my favorite person to talk to, my biggest cheerleader, and my family.” Why doesn’t she just define soul mate like that? Every person is different and every person needs something different in a partner, and likewise what a “soul mate” should be will be different for everyone. It’s subjective.

I do agree that there are many unrealistic expectations that people are brought up with that shouldn’t be promoted, because it can lead to confusion and suffering later on. But if you focus too hard on pragmatism you may lose some of the magic that it can be to find that “special person,” “soul mate,” or whatever you want to call them. And it would be a shame to be a child and grow up not knowing how beautiful and special a loving and happy relationship could be.

To me, the article does a little too much “throwing out the baby with the bathwater.”

I agree with you completely. Because what you said is my defintion of a soul mate also, you just put it in better words than I ever could. God is not our soul mate. And that is basically how the lady is putting this article. And of course no man could compare to what God does for us because men are not Gods. They are two different beings and we love them two different ways.

I’m with Macy here; stated right on. Imarried my soulmate 13 years ago and we are still mad about each other, passionate as hell, safe with each other and yes we bring out the best in each other. We also challeenge each other mentally, physically and emotionally. But my Amy is the ONLY person that I have ever been compeltely at ease wiht, regardless of the situation. She is my confidante, my lover, my best friend, my stongest adversary and my biggest fan. And I am hers. We constantly affirm our love throuhg words, gesture and remarkable sex. Yup, great sex. And it is getting better and better. We ahve both improved so much over the years becasue of and in sptie of each other. Ours is a truly magical romance. And while yoou poo-poo’ers think I sound as young and idealistc as macy, I’m 49 and know a thing or two. You can buy into this article, while it has some valid points, I prefer to beleive that my soulmate is of THIS world and I can live in marital and emotioanl bliss in THIS lifetime. And we will find each other in the next life in whatever form we appear. Soulmate? Hell yes!!! Her name is Amy and she is the most beautiful woman in the world. To me. Which is WHY she is MY soulmate.

Keep in mind everyone that soulmate is personally defined. How I define my soulmate will differ from how you define yours. So it could be construed as most presumptious that the author can define my soulmate relationship. Sheis, I am; we’re blissfully happy. Just becasue someone doesn’t understand our relationship (and few do), doesn’t mean we are not soulmates to each other.

I completely agree with your comment Macy. I’d like to add also, to me, soul mates aren’t just a partner. They can also be our friends. Someone whose soul truly connects with our soul whether it be in a romantic relationship or a friendship.

Another person can never define or complete you. And they shouldn’t. Most often, people are looking for someone who is confident in who they are, as opposed to someone incomplete or empty. So, yes, I agree with the blogger. A spouse is not, should not, be a filler of voids. They should be partners, lovers, friends, confidants, etc.

Additionally, Macy, a soul mate does not make you “feel like you’ve never known love before.” I have had TWO loves of my life. I lost my first husband to cancer when I was 30 after 10 years of marriage. He was the love of my life. I promised “’till death do us part” and I fulfilled that promise. I continue to love and miss him every day. But his life ended; mine did not. God had a purpose for keeping me on this side of Heaven longer. And God blessed me. I have a new husband who is the love of my life. I cannot imagine my life without him. I will love him until death separates us.

Does that mean I didn’t love my first husband because I’m madly in love with my second? No! And it would be presumptuous of anyone to say such a thing. I would never choose my second husband over my first. But guess what? I would never pick my first husband over my second. I do not have to choose. I did not get to choose. I love them both deeply and differently.

The heart is an amazing thing. It can love so deeply that it shatters when the person is taken. But (through God) that same heart can heal. It can be pieced back together, bearing lines and scars of the brokenness, but stronger than ever. It can beat again. And it can love again. And it can love so fiercely the second time that it seems impossible. But because it has been shattered and reassembled, knows that it can endure the pain of loss. And knows that loving fiercely is worth the pain.

Was it strange to say, “Till death do us part” again after having lived it? Absolutely! But do I know that loving is worth losing? Without a doubt!

And so, Macy, while I did not instantly know I would marry either of these men the moment I laid eyes on them, I have been doubly blessed with two loves of my life. And I wouldn’t trade the work or pain or sorrow of my life for anything. I am well-loved and blessed beyond measure.

Christy: “Most often, people are looking for someone who is confident in who they are, as opposed to someone incomplete or empty. So, yes, I agree with the blogger. A spouse is not, should not, be a filler of voids.”

And yet the author alluded to God being expected to fill that void? What if God doesn’t want too? Why do we humans assume God is our “soul mate” and God doesn’t give us others to be our help-mates like was symbolized in the story of Eden? Maybe God doesn’t want to spoon feed us every thing and wants us to do some things for ourselves such as forge relationships with other people who can enrich our lives that are different from other relationships we have encountered in our lives? I don’t think you truly captured what Macy was saying in her post, just like the teacher and author of this blog truly didn’t capture what the young student was saying in her essay and instead put her own experiences and perceptions regarding a single word in the spot-light before listening to the entirety of what the young student was saying. The young student was saying in the context it was written, that some adults don’t find a partner to love them because of their disabilities and she doesn’t think that is right or fair and it makes her feel sad because she thinks from the way her sentences are worded, that everyone should get to experience the love of a partner. No one should have to be alone. Now if you juxtapose that context with the relationship humanity has with God, we human beings are all flawed and/or have “disabilities,” and with God we aren’t supposed to be alone, but does God truly accept us with our “disabilities?” Otherwise it’s just sad if we can’t help ourselves any with a void that is alone reserved for God. Maybe like a good parent, God prepares us to just live our lives?

Just as it’s impossible to define God for others, it’s impossible to define “soul mate”. To refute another’s interpretation of either is basically “pot calling the kettle…” Even, or especially, the voices in the bible only define God in parable or metaphor. Yes, even Jesus. I interpret Jesus’ example, and the arc of the Christ model as a message to humanity that says we have capacities beyond human, or corporeal survival and mere “happiness” or “goodness” – or anything which is defined by our limited means. These capacities can be discovered and employed in life as well as after “death”; the death of any spiritual obstacle. Some of this “divine” (or unbound) capacity CAN be discovered in others, but not just ONE other, and not just in someone with whom we are in relationship, or who resembles our ideal person. In all of the gospels, Jesus pushed humanity’s capacity (love the stranger, love the enemy, love the poor and sick, etc.) I think that the author was saying that we burden our potential mates by expecting them to embody this unlimited capacity, or God. If you “believe” in the soul, I think you believe in something beyond physiological make-up, whether you call it God or not. And this Soul is not confined to relationship with one person, although healthy relationships can be catalysts for expressions of the soul. But I don’t think that is how the popular (7th grader’s) concept of “soul-mate” is generally being defined. And some of these examples of soul-mates described in these comments sound like slaves to ego, which is the opposite of Soul.

I didn’t find my soul mate in life. I found my soul mates. My husband and I a strictly platonic relationship with these soul mates of ours. My husband is included in my soul mates. These people know me like I know myself. They know what drives me, what hurts me. It is awesome to have a spouse and friends who understand you on a level that no one else will ever will.

I am Christian and for others that are Christian, you understand where i am going with this. The idea of a soul-mate is in my opinion, the secular word for a Godly relationship. If you put your relationship with God first, then I believe he will help you find that person he wants you to be with. That describes the instant connection. I do not believe God would set everybody up with someone that is completely perfect for one another. My God is one that will test you, so that when you overcome obstacles you grow stronger in your faith. I believe he does the same with a marital relationship. If your spouse is perfect for you, then you would never have to work for the relationship, which i believe lessens the connection. All good things must be worked for, not just given.

I agree, Jeremy. In my most fulfilling relationship, I had to work hard. Every day was a new obstacle and every morning I woke up knowing we were both working toward a stronger commitment to God and therefore I could trust the process. The relationship held so much more meaning than the two of us could have known. It ended, but it was beautiful and led to so many life lessons.

Laura, What?! The GREATEST LOVE OF ALL TIME was the gift from YOUR God, Jesus! And guess what? IT WAS COMPLETELY FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! How you gonna say all good things must be worked for. God is so good. He gives me something I’m so grateful for I make darn sure I treasure, nurture, and care for it whether that be a soul mate, a friend, or my child. Don’t you dare make God’s free gifts of LOVE into a job we must do to earn.

Laura, I could see how love is something to “work” for, as with Jacob and Rachel.
Love is something we choose (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
It’s the most fulfilling, though, when it’s free, as Amber stated, with no strings attached.

Totally agree! I’ve never thought a soul mate “completed” a person, but “complemented” them. They just effortlessly ‘click’.

It was disheartening to read that she was going to tell her young girls this “secret”. I don’t understand her need to burst their bubble. Why not let them dream and hope for such a connection? I shudder to think what she will say to them when/if they meet someone they DO consider their soulmate….

Well with that being said then, do you think that one can have more than one “soulmate” in a lifetime? What if one finds their one true love and they lose them tragically or something. What if years down the line, once they are healed, they find another person that fits your definition of a “soulmate”? Do you get more than one? I agree with both sides to an extent, but this makes me curious. 🙂

In my opinion soul mate is as you describe it.
And someone who challenges, understands me and supports me can also be a soul mate. So, just a little confused by her definition of soul mate. It sounds like her husband is her soul mate after all.

That’s what I thought also whike reading this. The only thing I can say though is I’m glad she refrained from telling her students her beliefs of love. It irritates me beyond measure when teachers take if upon themselves to tell students that their beliefs are wrong. My kids grew up with lots of hugs and kisses and love till one day when I went to give one of my kids a hug I was informed that they could no longer kiss my cheek because the teacher told them it was wrong and a good way to pass germs.

Macy, thank you so much for saying exactly what I wanted to say!!!
I met my husband when I was 16 and I know he is my soulmate! He is exactly as you explained what a soulmate would be! I am very thankful and blessed to have found him so young! We tell our daughter our love story! I know it is special and not everyone is lucky enough to find their soulmate. Yet our daughter hopes to find her soulmate but knows she may never find that person. She knows she needs to put 100% into any relationship she has and to cherish any relationship she is in. I don’t think there is anything wrong with searching for your soulmate. I do think you can have a false idea of what a soulmate is and looking for someone that is a false idea is only going to get everyone in that situation hurt and upset for no reason.

I agree with what you are saying. My husband is absolutely my soul mate in the ways you just described. I believe that the writer’s definition of what a soul mate is thought to be is not what a soul mate is at all. You totally hit the nail on the head here!

Exactly. Someone who loves you for all your imperfections and have the JOY of LAUGHTER like no other before. TOO BAD so many people THINK they know what SOUL MATES are, but TRULY DO NOT. It’s a shame the term is overused when it doesn’t always apply except for one partner “THINKING” they found their one in a million.

Exactly what I was thinking, I just couldn’t put it into so eloquent a coherent thought! My husband truly is my soul mate, given to me as a precious gift from God! God wants all good things for us, and to give us a lover who completes us in our humanity, and then to give us children as yet another bonus of that love, well, that’s pretty darn awesome!

Agreed.
What she has IS the definition of a true soul mate. A true soul mate doesn’t fill a void or complement missing parts like a puzzle piece. They help you grow and find the pieces you need. True soul mates not only help each other with each others puzzles but work together on their shared puzzles.

I know I was thinking that I have found my soul mate! The person God created for me…The man that helps me be the person God created me to be. And hopefully I do the same in him. A soul mate fits with you and you them so that your short comings and down falls overlap. That’s why God wants us to become ONE in marriage! (:

Hard to disagree with either Macy or Mary…I think it’s a terminology issue. Mary is right. The Bible teaches that we are complete in Him–Jesus. And expecting another flawed human to do for us what only God can puts WAY too much pressure on any relationship and sets us up for disappointment….HOWEVER…the Bible also says that as husband and wife we are to be “one flesh”, and “cleave” to each other…what is that but a soul mate? My husband is my soul mate…a gift from God for only me, and since my sons were born I have prayed that they would find that kind of a soul mate companion.

I believe that’s just called “love”. It may start out with a strong physical attraction, but until you actually get to know the person that’s all it will ever be. The idea of a soulmate says that there is only ONE person somewhere out there that you can have this kind of relationship with and the universe must draw you magically together. Well, I happen to believe that love is a choice, not a magic force we have no control over. If we work at relationships and truly put the other person’s needs before our own, there are many possible candidates for a mate in the world.

I have to say…. I found my “soul-mate” later in life….I found that I married early in life- like many today – for the wrong reasons. It was marriage for convenience, because it was time, because everyone else was doing it, because that is what we are brought up to do! After 2 failed marriages, I was not willing to settle again. I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life. I met my husband and KNEW we would be together forever. There is a deeper connection, love, understanding than I have ever felt before. So yes, I believe in soul-mates and I believe we have to hold out for it… however long because the lonely times are so worth the pay-off….

I believe later in life, people have better chance of finding the real love and connection. Congrats to you! There are SOUL MATES out there!!!! (People especially woman, settle ALL THE TIME not really knowing.)

I would also like to state that I agree with Macy. My love story started with cancer. Not one but two kinds. I’d like to tell all of you a little bit about it so you get the full effect of where I’m coming from. Its a long one but by the end you’ll see why I think the writer of this column is full of it and in my opinion thinks that love and marriage is non crucial and just a part of the everyday hustle of life. This story will sound far fetched but I’m willing to bet my life on it being truth.
And its something a lot of people are going through as I wrote this. People you may even know that are keeping it s secret.

I met my wife at a concert she was running in Nashville. I couldn’t see very well (so lust with ohysical attraction doesnt apply here) and halfway through the concert while we were having a hell of a time, I noticed her “hair” was falling off. I didn’t say anything because I already knew the answer to what I would ask. During the concert, she broke her ankle from just jumping up and down. That also spoke words without saying anything. Watching a woman at 22 years old working 18 hours a day and even staying for a concert she wasn’t planning on staying and breaking her ankle and kept going sent shivers through me. And then it hit me.

She was trying to live her life while she could and enjoy every second she had left and was doing a better job then most healthy adults.

She left to get water and I had to use the restroom so I saw her at the fountain resting. That’s when she told me she had Chronic myelogenous leukemia and multiple myeloma.
She gave me her Facebook and I began to keep up with her journey with cancer. She had several surgeries, chemotherapy treatments and radiation then I can even count. She was more radioactive then the Hulk.

They prolonged her life but ultimately they failed to cure her. After that we had made several attempts to get together and I was very eager to see how she was doing but never made it happen for 6 months. She had one last surgery in September of 2011 that should’ve killed her because her chance of survival was around 20% and it put her in a coma.
Everything seemed to be working fine and going good then the doctors said it didn’t work and she had 8 months to a year to live. That was January 2012. By that time we had got together to 2 days before just hang out and have company.
When she got out of her car I had no idea that she was so damn beautiful. Not at the concert and her Facebook pics didn’t have much either.
I had already built a friendship with this woman and when she got out of her car we both felt this emotion of happiness and immediately hugged each other without words and hesitation.

I will NEVER forget that embrace and rush of happiness.

Days later is when she got the news and she sat me down and told me she didn’t have long.

I told her I didn’t care. I felt like my relationship I had before meant nothing compared to the time and conversations I’ve shared with this woman.

I should also tell you her diagnosis couldn’t have come at a worse time when she was 19. Her grandfather, best friend, and grandmother had all died within 6 months of each other and she was diagnosed soon after.

We immediately fell in love with each other. I told her I would stand by her side no matter what.

I should also say (and I know this post is long, sorry) she had to marry at a young age to someone she didn’t love because of the family name being st stake. To a guy who was doing steroids, cocaine, drinking and who was possessive. He was a very jealous and oppressive person. Who raped her, impregnated her and then st 7 months punched her in the stomach and killed the child. The worst thing a man could do to a woman. She divorced him of course after 2 years. He sold her car, apartment, clothes, instruments and many other things because of his pride. All while she was going through stage 4 cancer.

I was also in a relationship and had 2 kids with my ex before leaving due to emotional and physical abuse. Nowhere near as bad as my wife’s history.

January 19 2012 was when we had our first kiss and it was radioactive (I’ve already written a song about it lol). We completely and utterly fell for each other and didn’t stop. Every second with her made me feel more alive and happy than in had ever been before. (I wasn’t a very happy person. I was depressed since I was 16,) she told me that I was what she needed in order to feel like she meant something. Like real true chivalrous love existed. What I had before her was puppy love. Better yet. It was lust.
I was truly happy every single day I woke up and we saw each other as much as her job and health allowed. There was a week where we couldn’t see each other due to radiotherapy. If I went around her I couldn’t see my kids because the radiation would kill my children. I waited and waited and I knew she needed me so I told the mother of my children and my children that I had something I had to do for the next 2 weeks.

You have to understand that my wife had no one to help her. She worked in the states and her family was living in Puerto Rico.

So i lost my hair and had radiation burns on several parts of my body due to the treatment frok just heloing her but nowhere near as bad as her. She survived through it tho.

At this point we knew we had went though 4 months so quickly. We had taken hikes, went to movies, went to parks and just laughed and talked and kissed and did nothing but enjoy silence some nights. She while heartedly completed me and I completed her. She told me I gave her meaning to life and a better reason to fight and she gave me happiness and true meaning to love.
She was my soulmate. At this pint in knew soulmates were real.

See I bought into the bullshit that soulmates weren’t real because of my previous relationship and all the relationships and divorces I had seen in my family and others around me.

She proved me wrong. Everyday she told me how lucky she was to have found me and I told her that I was the lucky one. She was loving me for who I was and not what she wanted me to be and its because she wanted me to be me unlike my previous relationship.

We’re both lucky you could say.

Back to finishing up, in early may before her birthday we received a phone call from a doctor saying they found a “cure,”. She immediately said no. She didn’t want anymore treatment because she didn’t want to be let down again after going through harsh sickness and struggle. So we talked about it…for hours. I told her if there’s a chance that it could cure her then she should consider it. It was a long discussion weighing the pros and con’s.
it was expensive. 4000 a week to be exact but I was a musician and she working for a record label so it wasn’t hard. What was going to be hard was staying a whole country away from each other for a year.
I couldn’t go with because of my children.
So I decided I would visit her periodically.
She left for the mayo clinic in Arizona 2 weeks after and I stayed in Tennessee. Not a month after that I decided to go out there and help. She was doing terrible. It was the worst treatment she went through. I cleaned up puked every hour for the next month and researched what food was OK for her and what wasn’t. Thing is she still had to go to work and I couldn’t do anything but wait for her to get home and then take care of her.

Then the bank account got closed down due to fraud. (Never bank with bank of america. Corrupt employees and company) she missed 2 weeks of treatment and started going downhill. So I threatened to sue BOA if they didn’t open the account back up and after all it was their employees who robbed us.
I left for Tennessee for some time with the kids. A week after that I get a call that she has cancer growing on her throat. On top of the treatment she’s getting she now needs additional radiation and a surgery that she can’t be put to sleep for because of the heart attacks that cancer had caused when she was 20.
It broke every piece of me. Every single fucking piece of my heart because it was one thing after another. It wasn’t just her battle now. She described it as our battle.

I flew to Arizona and while she was dying we did something every day together. We went to mountains, shows, watched the 4th of July celebration, bought things we shouldn’t have and ate things we wouldn’t have. This was the end of the greatest thing we could have experienced and it was ending quick.
A chance at true love and it was being taken away. When I was alone I would ask so many questions.

Where is God?
Why have all these things happened to her and not some POS criminal?
Why would God let this happen to such a soulful and beautiful person?
Why isn’t this miracle treatment working? Etc

The treatment was supposed to take a year.
It lasted 3 months.

Janice my wife, got pregnant. It happened before she took the treatment. When we found out we were happy beyond belief. It was like an oasis in a desert. A blessing came out of this hell.
They told us the baby wouldn’t survive the treatment and that if we kept it that it would hinder Janice’s health further. (We got this news after the diagnosis of the throat cancer.) Basically telling us we might as well get rid of it.

We wanted to keep it so we did. We started thinking of names from.both genders. I wanted it to look like her with caramel flawless skin and an amazing smile with honey brown eyes (even if it was a boy) and she wanted it to look like me with hazel green eyes and light skin with dark hair. We argued what our interracial baby would look like and how all three of the kids would get along.
We talked about buying a log house with a backyard big enough to have cookouts and birthday parties.
We talked about her finishing her masters degree in oncology after the treatment.
We talked about what kind of wedding we wanted.
They were conversations full of hope, dreams, love and they were real. They were truthful. They were set in stone despite our situation.
When our unborn child started to show resilience the researchers wanted to experiment on our child right after she’s born and were willing to compensate us 10 grand a month to see if our child held a cure for the same cancer. We thought about it really hard thinking of all the lives we could save but also what would become of our daughter? After surgeries and experimentation?
We asked the clinic what “observation” would include and the things we heard I’ll never repeat.
We told them to fuck themselves.

(Shortly after a girl in China found a potential cure for it)

Here’s the ending…

After 3 months for the first time since she was diagnosed…. She was cured.
My wife was healthy. That was august of 2012. The same exact day we met for the first time, August 9th, a year before.

We married that next May. May 18th 2013. 4 days before her birthday. To this day, we have not fought nor have we yelled in anger at each other over anything. I guess you could say going through the hell we went through from the start made us love harder, more and in different ways.
We are each others everything, whole universe and life. She completes me and I complete her. I can’t see spending a single day without holding her and kissing her and telling her how much I love her or how beautiful she is.
She is absolutely my soulmate. There’s no other way to put it. Anything else couldn’t hold a light. It wouldn’t compare.

Our unborn child?
She was born on April 25th 2014. Nothing wrong with her 🙂
She has the attitude of an angry Puerto Rican woman with green hazel eyes, light skin and strawberry blonde hair and she loves her brother and sister.
We named her Isabella. After my wife’s grandmother who past away before she was diagnosed with CML and multiple myeloma.

I agree with Macy. I married my soul mate and we have been together 20 years. I have three daughters and I hope they see my passion, love, and inspiration thru the love my husband and I have for each other. There is nothing else like it in this world. There is nothing wrong with having that dream and that hope. Soul mates are amazing and I truly believe in them. Macy, thank you for your accurate and impressive response to this.

Nicely stated, as I’ve been with my soulmate for 26 years. It was my mother who told me my husband and I were soulmates after we had only been together a few years – she saw it before I I did, and I’ve had other people tell me the same. For me it’s a blessing. Even if we are not together forever.

On a side note, my dogs are not my furry children. People seem to think that because we don’t have children that my dogs fill that void. I love my dogs, but it’s a little hurtful when people make the assumption that I feel that way. There. I’ve finally said that out loud, although it’s in writing. 🙂

There ARE such things as SOUL MATES or KINDRED SPIRITS. People who connect on such a wonderful and complete level ARE TRULY SOUL MATES. They encourage you and your dreams and don’t tear you down or control you. They love you for who you are. They love sharing things in life. A TRUE PERFECT FIT TO A PUZZLE… NO NOT A FAIRY TALE. The writer seems to be talking about life partners. Life partners are good, but certainly NOT SOUL MATES OR KINDRED SPIRITS. If she had THAT… She would know the difference… I unfortunately married a controlling bully type man who then in old age turned to a room mate. How sad.

If you mean this, I hope you dont fill your children’s heads with all the Disney princess movies that teach children that they can be rebellious, disobedient, beautiful young women who grow up to– guess what?– find their soul mates!

Thankyou!! I don’t agree that my husband isn’t my soulmate. My husband is my soulmate. It’s almost an insult that someone writes an article as if they have spoken to god and he has decided this. Maybe your husband isn’t your soulmate, but mine is my soulmate. Could I survive without him? Of course! If I had never met him I would be happy looking for him. Now that I have met him would I not mourn his loss as if a piece of me was robbed? No. He is a part of me. I am whole. He makes up a part of me, makes me who I am. I’m sure you wrote this as just for your family and your opinion but I will not raise my children this way.

I completely agree with Macy. I lost my soul mate almost five years ago and I know now, more than ever that he was my soulmate. Now he embodies that definition (or is that spiritually embodies it???) in its entirety. Anyway, imperfections and the best parts is what make a a soul mate. This post actually angered me a bit because all I wanted to do was scream and yell “yes!!! There is such a thing. I HAD IT!”. But, I respect what was written because there is truth there. I do believe that we need to teach our young girls (and boys) that it is within ourselves and only within ourselves that we will be happy.
We can not rely on another to make us happy. Instead, focus on what fills you spiritually and mindfully.
However, a soul mate is truly something. For all the disagreements, all the work it took, all the laughter and fun times – I’d give anything to have all of that back. He filled a piece of my heart that I never knew was missing because I did know who I was before I met him – its just that life got a bit more grand and easy when he was beside me. I would give anything to have him back with me, alive and brilliant and standing beside me as my soul mate. He said it best in a letter written to me,

“For my Goddess,

I have always felt hat the saying ‘things happen for a reason’, or ‘it was meant to happen’ were nice sentiments, or a pleasant way to look at things, but I have never thought of them as true. I don’t always believe in simple coincidence either. Sometimes things have just felt too juxtaposed, and I think that maybe I was really supposed to meet this or that person , or this was really supposed to happen in this way. This is how I think about running into you. Having met you almost makes me believe that there is a god, or fate, or that things are somehow planned out for us. You said it so well when you said it felt like a homecoming. I feel like I’m destined to be with you. It’s only been a matter of weeks but I feel like I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with you. I know that some of this is that feeling of euphoria that hits a person when they realize that someone else cares deeply for them and wants to touch them and be near them whenever they can. I have felt that feeling several times before, and this time it’s that feeling again, but there’s so much more.

When I am with you it feels like I finally have it in me to realize my full potential as a man, as a human being. I feel like I can be gallant and noble when I’m with you, and I don’t even have to try. I don’t have to “try” anything when I’m with you, I just “am”. I am alive, I am filled, I am completed. I am silly and goofy and honest. And I am True, to myself, and to you, and to everyone near me in my life. I am. And I don’t even have to try.

There are definitely parts of me that are intimidated and even scared by these feelings. Parts of me are worried that I’m jumping in too quickly and setting myself up for another big fall. I have not ignored these parts of me, but in listening to them I’ve noticed that they don’t sound the same as they have in the past. It sounds a bit silly to refer to them this way but it’s as if they’re much less sure of themselves this time. It’s almost like these worrying parts of me are merely going through the motions of trying to do their jobs. They’re just performing the only function they are meant for while at the same time knowing they are wrong and wishing they could cheer me on and tell me not to bother with them this time.

This time. This time the worry in me is not needed. This time I don’t have to rationalize the love I’m feeling. IN the past I’ve had to kind of convince myself that I really was in love with this or that woman. My brain has tried to make up for what my heart was lacking. This time, with you, my brain can hardly keep up with the leaps and bounds my heart is taking. This time, it is not my brain in command, it is my heart and my soul. Together, I believe they know what they’re doing. They’re telling my brain “This is it. This is the one. This is who you have been waiting all this time for.” My soul knows I belong with you. And my heart knows I belong to you. My brain is just trying to stay the hell out of the way.

On occasion I’ve found myself running some scenario through my head, some hypothetical dialog as if from a book. I think it’s the wannabe author in me. One of these scenarios has recurred from time to time over the years. It’s a dialog between me as an older man and someone who may be my son, or perhaps just some young man I might give advice to. It always plays out that this young man asks me if I have ever been in love. I would respond with a chuckle and say “of course I have, many many times. I’ve been in love with many different women, and in many different ways.” He would give me this funny look, like that’s not the way he thought it was supposed to work. I now know that my part in that dialog must now be completely different, because that young man was right, that not how it works. Now I will tell him, “I have loved many people, men and women. I love almost all the people that are close and important to me. But I’ve only been in love once. With a woman named Jesika.” Then I smile, like I’m smiling now, thinking about you.

I don’t know how many times I have found myself smiling when a thought of you passes through my mind. There’s a funny thing about that smile. It is not a smile of satisfaction, or of being content, like I would expect it to be. It is not a smile of accomplishment, either, as if I have achieved some goal. It is a smile of wonderment. It is a smile of awe. When I smile like that, I taste beauty and glory. I taste dharma and I taste hallelujah! When I smile, thinking “I am in love with a wonder named Jesika,” I smile because I can feel the wheel of the universe spinning inside of me and I think “I am back again in that place where I belong. I am home. I am here to stay.”

My life and my love are yours, in this life and the next,”

We were together 7 years and married just two weeks shy of four. This letter is all about soul mates, my soulmate. I even have a tattoo on my arm, in his hand-writing from another letter he wrote to me and it says “You are the love of my soul , and the soul of my life. I love you, Always,” He wrote that on our wedding day. I have it on my arm to remind me that he is and will always be the soul of my life and the life of my soul – even in death.

This doesn’t mean, however, that there isn’t another out there that will be the same. I’ve date since his death and I’ve been in one serious relationship that just ended recently and you know – he wasn’t my soul mate. I know what that feels like. I know how it makes life absolutely crazy wonderful. That relationship taught me a lot and allowed me to go through some of the “firsts” of being a young widow dating or experiencing a new relationship. And even though it didn’t end well, I know, really know that it ended because I have a soulmate – another one – out there. I had it once – I’ll have it again and I’m lucky because I know exactly what it feels like.

I think this post is a little misguided and maybe there was another intention but respectfully, I will have to disagree.

Macy, I agree with you most of the way. I have a dear husband. We’ve been together for nearly 34 years, and our love for each other has only grown. By your definition, I’ve had another soulmate too, she was my best friend, since 8th grade. She passed away a few years ago. I miss her so very much, and realize more closely, the harshness of others. She always accepted me as me. I didn’t need to change anything about me for her. No matter what, she was always my friend, and always so good to me. We talked about everything, and argued about stuff too! There wasn’t anything I would have wanted changed about her either. She was simply the best!

I agree with you Macy. And I agree with others that God does come first. But to find that truly special person to spend your life with on this earth is a rare and special occurrence.

You hear how some people find their soul mates instantly, while other develop that special bond over time. The poet Kahlil Gibran recognized how special love can occur in a moment. “It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.”

I know we humans have the capacity to love more than one person. Love is as perennial as the grass.

The poet Wordsworth once said,
” What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now forever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;”

We should be undaunted by the thought of our mortality. Life is ours, rich in hope and rich in memory. Life’s glory is not that it endures forever, but that for a short time it incarnates so much that is so beautiful.

We do not demand from the flower that it shall never wither; the sunset that it shall never fade; the song that it shall never cease.

Life the reality, is ours. We should shape it as nobly as we can.
What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others remains immortal.

But, I believe in God and a heaven. When you have multiple soul mates or loves here on earth, who will you reunite with in heaven? This bothers me. Do I have an answer? No. Why remain faithful to one person, then turn around and marry another after the first has died. Are the words of singer/songwriter Stephen Stills more true, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

Having a true soul mate is very rare. I very much believe in this. For most of us, we never truly have a soul mate here on earth. I think a true soul mate bonds with another person and never seeks another mate after one dies. This is rare. But true love like this is eternal. It is unique to two special people. I feel it somehow transcends eternity.

I lost a person whom I thought was my soul mate. I wrote this a couple of years after our separation.

The power of love…..
I yearn to feel love again;
to tell someone they’re beautiful because they are to me;
to watch them close their eyes as they fall asleep;
to feel chills when you hear from them; to let the world know you love them;
to care for them when they are sick; to softly hold their hand;
to smell their sweet scent; to simply feel love again.
And, as you lay holding your love,
to tell them “I wished for you too”…..

I am happy but my soul is lonely. I dream of finding someone who I can spend my time in heaven with, but grow old together here on earth in the meantime.

This was exact my reaction. The very definition of “mate” is a separate entity that pairs with another entity. When your looking for a socks’s mate you aren’t trying to fix a whole in the sock. Your looking for its pair, its partner. After being divorced for 7 years I was beginning to believe my soul mate wasn’t out there. I was dating a good guy I liked a lot, maybe that was enough. Until the day I met the “one for whom my heart yearns”. There is a love beyond all comprehension, one you will never understand until you feel. In the same way you will never understand the love and weight of being a parent until you are one. But I would beg you not too convey to your children that soul mates do not exist. You are so right, they do not need a man to complete them, which means there’s no need to settle for a man they just like a lot, they can hold of for their once in a lifetime love. Their partner. Their pair. Their soul mate.

I disagree with this article…I don’t think a soul mate “fills the hole” I think it is just a connection with the person God chose for you (which I am 100% sure God chose my husband for me) that you won’t have with anyone else. You would feel incomplete, and like a piece of you was missing without them. Like they said during my wedding ceremony…in a marriage, 1+1+1=1…much like the trinity, when we marry, we bond 2 hearts and the holy spirit, to become one…so no, the spouse is not filling a hole that only the Lord can…but they are filling a hole that God intended them to fill.

I don’t think we should set up unrealistic expectations for our kids…starlight, twinkles, warm fuzzies, never making mistakes, knight in shining armor type expectations…but I also don’t think we should teach our children to “settle” for someone that they can “manage” a healthy relationship with if we want them to have truly fulfilling, loving, marriages.

Marriage takes work…much like a garden…but if there is not a connection, attraction, enjoyment that goes deeper than enjoying eachother’s company…if the soil isn’t good…then it will never truly grow and flourish into what it could be.

I agree with you!
The author’s definition of soul-mate SERIOUSLY needs to be looked at. What I read is that she has misinterpreted Soul-mate with Savior. Soul-mates happen, all the time – even with flawed individuals.

My definition would be how she actually described her relationship with her husband in it’s current state: her best friend, someone who encourages her, loves her no matter what, favorite person to talk to, etc.

So my understanding of a soul mate would mean her husband IS her soul mate. Man their picture reeks of it. Congratulations to the writer for her wonderful marriage.

I do agree that only God can truly “know” us and that we do seek something spiritual. However, God can and does show up in humans ALL THE TIME! I have a few soul mates as friends in my life and even sometimes they fall short for me but they’re human and I fall short for them too. When they do show up for me it’s the grace of God at work. 🙂

Yes! Exactly. I don’t even think there’s such a thing as “one” soul mate, but many. These are the people that become our best friends, life partners, mentors, etc. There’s just something about them that feels so right…

Macy, totally. This is the relationship I have with my husband. Until you’ve had a soul mate relationship, it is hard to describe what it is like. You said it perfectly.

Also, if you have to WORK on your marriage every day you are married to the wrong person. I’m not saying that there will be no disagreements, but if you are married to the right person life together is usually pretty easy and is fulfilling.

I agree with Macy. 100%. Then again, my new husband and I are quite intuitive. There are those days though! What I do know and see clearly is how God brought us together. There is a depth and richness in our relationship, because of that “je ne c’est quoi” that we feel is attributed to being a mate of the other’s soul, and God’s divine plan that has unfolded into this beautiful life together!

Even when we do not see eye to eye, I absolutely love and adore him. And he me. God has richly blessed us! I can truly see how God blessed me through him and realize he doesn’t complete, but compliments me. No substitute for God, just very grateful for a good man!

Finally, a voice of reason! I completely agree with you, and it makes me happy to see that others also agree. I have been married to my fourth husband for 26 years, and he is the first man I have called my soul mate. And, yes, I believe that God brought us together. Believe me, I was not looking for another husband when I met this wonderful man. Of course he has flaws, as do I. We also have our separate wants, desires, fears, hurts, etc. However, we are uncannily similar in so many ways that it seems we were destined to be together.

I agree, partly. The author’s definition of Soul Mate may be a bit different from another’s definition. Her truth still remains, however. Any other person, soul mate of any variety or not, will never and should never “complete” us. God completes us. How else do we best shine and attract another than to be “whole” and vibrant before we meet? I was attracted to my husband while in college because of his faith and his acceptance of me. He saw my flaws, my birth defects and looked past them to see and be attracted by MY faith. Our common ground was a relationship with Jesus Christ. All the things we attribute to “soul mate” can be summed up in seeing how we each were so “put together” and we saw each other as a total package, with bonuses even. How was that wholeness attained? By knowing we were complete in Christ and walking confidently in a world of poisoned arrows, strong in the knowledge that God has our backs. All we had to do was face the world squarely. Now, THAT’S attractive in another person. I feel that is what the author is saying. We are complete if Christ is in us, and if we never have the good fortune of meeting our soul mate, we are still whole. We will remain whole, even if temporarily pained, should we outlive our soul mate. Like the author, I think I have always understood “soul mate” to mean “completion” also. The definition really matters not, for it is the idea that any of us NEED completion that is the issue here.

This is so true and on point. My daughter’s are 16 & 24 so I can share it with them at this point along with the other amazing writings and edifying words I’ve been sharing with them since they’ve been out of diapers

Truth? Love isn’t real but a magic dude in the sky will fix everything in your life. That’s some great “truth” to indoctrinate your kids with.

the “soul mate” secret. That it’s made up and dangerous and unrealistic. That their God loves them more than any man ever could…

You’re going to tell them that soul mates are made up and unrealistic but that the god you believe in is 100% real? The fact that you don’t even see the irony in that is ridiculous. As much as I believe religion is outdated and harmful, I have no problem with people believing whatever they want. It only bothers me when you’re talking about drilling it into the minds of children. That’s just sad.

It’s 2014. Why are people still trying to force their kids to believe the same made up stories their parents told them. The problem with religion is that if you tell somebody when they’re old enough to think, and aren’t completely desperate there’s a good chance they’ll laugh at the concept.

I must say that I agree with you when you say that your soulmate is or doesn’t have to be your husband, fiancé, or boyfriend. I do believe that a soulmate is very much foreal and that they do exist. A soulmate goes beyond lovers, beyond friendship, and most of all a soulmate is forever. So no, some people may not find their soulmate to be in fact their spouse but I whole heartedly believe that they do in fact exist. My best friend that I met in college is undoubtedly my soulmate because regardless of how our life paths go she has always been there for me. She makes me a better person and I carry her with me always. She knows me and accepts me for who I am with no questions asked. She has always believed in me when no one else did. So no even though I love my boyfriend very much and plan on spending the rest of my life with him, my soulmate will forever and always be my best friend.

At 55, I found this quite interesting and very true. I too, feel the same about my husband, but I have great friends and family that also complete me in different ways. You absolutely, could not have said it better!

All except the god part. I commend you for wanting your kids to be free from the weight if gender roles but you should do the same with gods and religion. Don’t screw your kids up with empty lies about fake omniscient beings that can fill their lives and cute cancer, but can’t ever cure amputees.

I 100% believe there are soul mates!! My kids are my soul mates. My life would be incomplete without them in it!!! I would also consider my husband my soul mate – however, I get the point of this article. Where I disagree is the fact that the writer is conveying there are no soul mates. And I believe there are soulmates. I may have been happy if I had never met my husband and had my children – but there would be a part missing and a longing that I do not have now in my 30’s with my husband that I have been with for over 15 years and 2 kids – they do complete me – (no matter how cheesy that sounds!!)

Perhaps I spoke out of childish naivity ( although my most earnest post was never published anyway). Perhaps all you naysayers have it right – perhaps the best that can be hoped for is someone that meets their marital obligations and isn’t a complete scumbag…. Perhaps all of us who loved so irresponsibly as to believe another human could actually see who they were to us enough to be overwhelmed with security and trust and reciprocal aadoration for a lifetime were the fools.

The term “soulmate” is not a romantic term. It simply refers to all of those people who are close to us in life and traveling a similar path. All of our friends and family members, even our rivals who get under our skin, are our soulmates. This is one of the most misunderstood terms by Westerners that there is. A soulmate is NOT the Romeo to your Juliet. Before you want to write a cutesy blog post addressing a different philosophy, you may want to study it first.

Yep. There is a difference between soul mate and great marriage partner. As a mother of two girls, I feel like I have so much to tell them. Right now, we are in the basics – don’t wear patterned undies with white shorts/dresses… Some day we’ll conquer all the things I want to tell them about love and marriage. 🙂 I never thought of praying for the boys that are being raised. That’s a good one. I pray that my marriage is a good example of what a marriage should be. We both came from families with less than ideal marriages between our parents – at least in our minds. Maybe it was ideal to their own, I don’t know, but we try.

Thanks, Stephanie. We too came from marriages we don’t want to be like and I hope that our marriage is the change, that our girls want to be like us when they get married. That would be the greatest compliment.

Amen and Amen! I remember being in a small group with a bunch of young, newly-wed wives. One of them asked the leader “how do you know if your husband really is THE ONE?” and her answer was so awesome. She said, “because you stood at an altar in front of God and friends and said I DO.” There’s no magical person out there for you. It’s the one you decide to be with. And then you work for the rest of your life to love that person. It breaks my heart how many marriages end because they buy into the soul mate garbage.

I think even more end because they don’t. If you think your marriage is only a result of your choices, then why not just choose to end it and find another person when it gets tough? If it’s all about ME and MY choices, then I’m going to live to make myself happy. Also, even if I really am trying, I’m going to fail because I’m a human, and humans fail. A lot. But because I know that God planned for me to marry my husband and has purposed for us to be together for a reason, I know that I have to fight to make it work if it ever gets hard and can rely on the grace of the God who put us together to help me.

But Jessi, the idea of a soul mate is not garbage for *everybody*, just some people. Just because all marriages take work to be successful, that does not mean that two people in a particular marriage can’t be “magically the right one for each other”.

Wow, that is just sad. You shouldn’t have to work at something to be happy. It breaks my heart that you find the idea of a soulmate garbage. No one should settle. And you shouldn’t commit to someone before God in order to have the ‘ideal’ idea of what you think marriage is supposed to be. Harkens back to arranged marriages to me

You are saying that you put up with anything because you took vows? What if you were young, and naive and made a mistake? You should “work” on it until it gets better? What if he beats you? What if you beat him? What if he cheats on you? You should work on that? What if he drinks and gambles all your money away?

So. much. ignorance.

God is not real. There is only one life. Enjoy yourself, it is later than you think.

i love how & why you do life the way you do. i am intrigued and genuinely convinced that it’s perfect for your sweet family and perhaps someday for mine! 🙂

i hope these “letters” make their way into a book someday for all girls to read. to see the hope, the opportunity, the joy, the potential, to break societal “norms”, to encourage… you are full of wisdom and your delivery is full of grace.

Amen! We, my husband and I, had this conversation with our teens (19 and 17) who have just started dating and asking questions about “soul mates”. They were put off at first when he and I both said that we were not each others soul mate. We ARE a team, we are best friends, we are lovers, we are ALL IN. All in for 25 years and counting, we still choose each other every day, but not soul mates.

Woa. So much in those two lines for real. My husband isn’t my soul mate either. I distinctly remember deciding I didn’t believe in that when I was in college. Up until then I had felt so much pressure to find “the one.” Knowing we can make it work with the person we choose to love was freeing. Oh, and as the mother of a kid who uses a wheelchair, that first sentence is right. Not fair at all.

YES! YES! YES! There is no soul mate. There is no Mr./Ms. Right. There is no “the ONE”. There just isn’t.
There is more than one person in the world you would be happy with. Let’s stop the happily ever after fairy tale craziness.
Yes, relationships take hard work.
No, it’s not going to stay the way it was when you were dating. (Seriously, why does anyone think it will?)
Yes, there will be days when you don’t think you even LIKE him, let alone LOVE him. And that is ok.
No, relationships/marriages are NOT 50/50. Sometimes they are 80/20. Sometimes they are 40/60.

I have to agree. I thought I married my soul mate, but the “other woman” kind of brought a hard dose of reality! I lived that fantasy and thought my life was incomplete until I met him. Now I realize that I was attempting to live for something else- definitely not for myself! By letting the other woman have him and deciding to live for myself, and dedicate me to raising my girls- I finally feel complete! Perhaps there isn’t a soul mate after all, and I now feel (and hope) that there a many people with which one could be happy. But I also know, after all that has happened, that if they ever do come along I now capable of offering all I need to offer because I figured out how to be complete on my own- and do not need someone else to shoulder that “burden”!

I believe it’s possible. My mom tried all she could to bring my dad home when he left her. She later remarried, and her new husband is just as good for her (maybe even better) than my dad was in the beginning. My grandfather remarried too when my grandmother died. His new wife is wonderful and I love her like family. My stepdad and my grandpa’s wife are two reasons I don’t believe in soul mates. There are many people in our lives who love and challenge us. Death and divorce don’t doom us to a life of misery. I believe you are strong. You don’t need anyone to complete you. Maybe someday you’ll find a guy worth your time though. Just maybe.

i have a friend who’s 44. He’s gone through a divorce and has had some bad relationships since then that’s broken his heart a couple of times. I can see it in his eyes…he’s looking for that someone to fill that empty space in his heart. I told him only God can fill that space.

He’s still looking for his “soul mate”. it’s not just women who buy into the myth.

Just because there is no person that is without sin or perfect like Jesus, does not mean that the idea of a soul mate – one person (falible like you) that was divinely intended for you – is a fairy tail. I comment not to make an innane retort… Some people have banked their literal lives upon it, and while your intention of preventing heartbreak and pointing people to the only Perfect love is good (I wouldn’t correct you if your only counsel was to the student you quoted) – you should bear in mind to accept all of what you just said would be the sickest, saddest thing that could ever happen to some other people. In fact it could destroy their relationship with God instead of deepen it or correct their view.

I am so sorry you have become so cynical about this topic. I have three high school daughters. My honey and I have been together for 20 years. He is my soulmate. He is so much more than what you describe yours as. My oldest daughter has been with her boyfriend for 5 years. He is just like her daddy, and more. My middle daughter has been friends with her now boyfriend for 3 years and are now in a relationship. My youngest isnt quite ready for a boyfriend. Here is the kicker; they are all chaste and are waiting until marriage.

Again, I am truly sorry you feel soulmates arent real, but they are. I was not “waiting around”. In fact, I was not even looking…

I think what you are all describing is a soul mate. I think children are fed fantasy as reality.

My parents never defined what a soul mate was supposed to be growing up and I was always happy on my own. Never a romantic. I happened to meet a great guy 15+ years ago that is everything you described; smart, supportive, kind, there for you, keeps me on my toes, etc. Definitely not perfect, but, wow, when I look at what I need to have as a partner to keep me as happy or happier than I was as a single person, he is it -my soul mate.

My husband is not my soul mate . . . I have trouble with the comment you made regarding your daughters not knowing if they will be the husband or the wife . . . if you are truly modeling what Christ calls us to be then your daughters will see that they will be wives. They already understand that in some sense if they want to marry their daddy, which is typical of 5 to 7 year old girls. I think my girls thought they’d marry their dad til they were 10.

Personally, I believe all the things you are describing in your article are what a soul mate is. It’s very subjective.

God works through our spouses as one of the extensions of his grace and mercy. He can work through any relationship for that matter! Parent – child, friend to friend, etc…

So this whole topic is subjective and very personal based on the filters through which we see love and the truth of who God is and how He loves us.

It sounds like your life experience prior to marriage was really good and stable. You said ” I had a good existence before him. I was loved and cared for and fought for by a Father that made me whole in a way no one else could.”

This is not every woman’s experience, and consequently, their view of relationship and marriage will be unique.

For example, I was raised in an abusive & critical home. My Father was not around and did not fight for me. I was raised primarily by an abusive mother who regularly tore down my self worth through verbal, emotional and physical abuse. Very devastating things for a sensitive little girl to be exposed to. This became my foundation of worth. By the time I was a teenager – young adult I loathed myself, believed that God was disgusted with me and wanted to die.

The man I met and married was the vessel that God used to heal and to help. Full of patience and kindness so that wounds could be healed and I could receive God’s love. The healing and forgiveness that has occurred is nothing short of miraculous. It was a 20 year journey and my husband did not run away. He stayed and through the Grace of God was able to be patient with me.

My husband is my hero and my soul mate. God sent him to teach me what love was and that God sees me as His lovely daughter through Christ. All the Glory for our marriage goes to God alone! We are best friends! There is laughter and joy in our home. We love & respect one another and are completely bonded in spirit.

So again – it’s all about where each woman has come from. God can take every story and will weave it together for his Glory and for our hope and future to spend an eternity with our Saviour!
🙂

I agree, my husband is my soulmate and my life, however I am a strong women and if i had to make it without him I could. But I think it is a perspective and fun to dream for your soul mate. I am happy to say my husband completes and helps me to be a better person..

I don’t agree with everything you said. My husband does compete me, as well as God. If I didn’t have my husband, I would be lost. He has done so much for me. I believe God put him in my life to make me a better person, to make me more like God wanted me to be. My husband and God fill the hole together, they are both my soul mates. Without either, I couldn’t live in this world.

I am sorry that you would be lost without your husband. God does everything for His glory, absolutely. However, the fact that God is not your end all be all of life goes specifically against the gospel. I struggle with this as well, as I’m sure all of humanity does at some point, but God does not want us to put all of our hope in our partners in life. In fact, He wants us to do the opposite, to put all of our hope in Him, and what He has laid up for us in heaven. Our ties should be to nothing of this world, and to only what He has promised us, that if all of our faith and hope is placed in Him, then we can withstand anything, including, and specifically death. This is because He has given us the power of the Holy Spirit, which have Christ the very power to conquer sin and death.

As a man, I hope that my one day future wife doesn’t place all of her hope in me, because I know for a fact that I will not always be here, or be able to provide for everything that she needs. I only hope that I can follow and submit to God so that I can be the husband He wants me to be.

Jane, I think what Andy is trying to say is that man and woman are human. And as such we are flawed. We are not perfect. I know I’m not perfect and I know my wife isn’t either. We strive to be better friends, partners, lovers, and Christian believers every day. Of course, we fail sometimes or alot, depending on the day but we continue to try. I think that is what Andy was trying to get across. I could be wrong. Ooops, there’s a flaw. There is no one perfect on this earth. I am going to respond now in a religious tone so I expect a series of agnostic or atheist responses. I think the whole point of the writer’s article other than finding misplaced paragraphs or lost punctuations was that people, or more to the point her daughter’s should not put faith and trust in man. Because again, human beings are flawed. The writer wants to teach her daughter’s to rely on God first, then themselves, and finally their spouses. I agree. I have a 20yr old daughter, an 11yr old son, and an 11yr old step-daughter, and my job as a Christian father is to raise them the best way I can. To make sure God is first and foremost in their lives. I was taught at a young age what JOY stood for…..J-Jesus first, O-Others next, Y-You last. I am sorry if you feel that you need your husband just to live day to day. Here is food for thought, It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man, Psalms 118:8.

This article amazes me and I wish more people could understand this view on “soul mates”.. I know this will probably get comments of another topic by me saying this .. I’m a gay 27 year old and even before I knew what Gay was I would often think about meeting that person who fits me and all my undesirable qualities .. And at the age of 18 I figured it out for myself .. I am the only perfect match for myself .. There’s no “soulmate ” for me .. There’s only the option of living my life .. Don’t get me wrong hopefully one day someone will stumble into my existence and I’ll be amazed by them as they are me .. But as amazing as that sounds we all know that we settle for comfort and that “dream person ” we all imagine falling in love with .. Ends up changing day by day .. 🙂

I am an atheist and I don’t believe we have souls. Also, my husband and I have been married for nearly 25 years. He is my best friend, my lover and all that. He gets me in a way that no one else does. On so many levels we are the opposite of each other. While I’m angsty, temperamental and opinionated to the moon and back, he is calm, receptive, patient and understanding. We balance each other. Not only that he doesn’t just make me be better. He makes me to WANT to be better. We’ve always had a good relationship and that started because we set ground rules for how we fight and manage our marriage before we got married. We stuck with these things and it’s worked great for us. That’s not to say the road has been an easy one. We’ve learned to navigate it pretty well over the years because of mutual love, trust and respect.

Basically, I don’t believe in soul mates and I never have. Our marriage works because we made it work. I don’t need to fantasy or romanticize it all up by labeling us “soul mates”.

This is amazing and so true. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t searching for the soul mate I thought I was, but that I was trying to fill a void only God could fill. Now I don’t look at my husband as my savior, because he’s not, I look at him as my life partner, my other half, my best friend. But he is not essential to my life or my happiness. It’s a weird concept and one that definitely should be taught to our daughters when they’re at the right age.

I think you’re misconstruing the mortal meaning of “soulmate”. The Apostle Paul is very clear about the importance of your life partner, if you’re Blessed to have one. He goes into detail about the weaving of your relationship with your mate and how the two of you are to support one another. For lack of another word comes the word “soulmate”. I was married 15 and 1/2 years, and my wife (Lynn) became sick and went to be with Jesus in a space of just 6 months in 2006. Being without her is like trying to fly with only one wing, and yes, I have moved on, and raised my tweener and 2 teenagers without her and with ALOT of help from others, one just finished college, one in college, and one just beginning to make his way in the world.
Her sister and brother in law own a farm. It happened that one of the geese lost a mate, having gotten hit by a car while crossing the road, and it’s mate went to the road everyday for MONTHS and waited for it’s mate to return. For lack of another term, it’s “soulmate”, and until you have lost yours, you have no idea what it feels like and how long it hurts! My prayer is that she will meet me at Heaven’s door and walk with me the rest of the way.

I’m so glad I found this! You pretty much put my thoughts exactly in words!

I gave my heart away 7 years ago when I accepted Christ into my life and it’s not mine to give anymore. Jesus has my heart and I know that it will be treasured and kept from harms way as long as I live. If God ever plans on me getting married, I’ll love my husband with all of my heart but he’ll never have it. If I don’t get married, I won’t feel any less loved because I’m already experiencing the greatest love anyone can ever have: unconditional love! I wouldn’t trade it for anything. A husband is not supposed to fill a void in my life or make me complete in some way. A husband is there to help strengthen my relationship with Christ by encouraging me to be a living sacrifice that God has called both of us to be.

I’m 19 right now, almost 20 and it amazes me how people can forget that they are worth more than silver and gold! They settle for less and become miserable because they relied on marriage to settle all their problems. However, I’m in the minority and looked down upon by them because I choose to live my life differently. Which by the way I love my life, myself, and most importantly God! I’ve never had a boyfriend or even been on a date before but I am not ashamed of this. In all honestly, I couldn’t be happier! Some may say that I have too high of standards but in all honesty, the standards are not mine but they are God’s. There is a certain way He men and women of Christ to live. I’m a living sacrifice for Christ and ever since I gave the reigns over to Him I have experienced the true meaning of peace, joy, hope, and love and it is our call to get as many other individuals to experience the same thing to by delivering His message!

If God formed you in your mother’s womb (psalms 139:13) and knew the plans He had for you before you were even born (Jeremiah 29:11), don’t you think He would include the person you were going to fulfill the plans with? It’s the 3rd most important decision in your life. 1. Accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior 2. Receiving the Holy Spirit 3. Who you will marry. My husband and I sought the Lord for a match and 5 days after meeting each other we knew we were husband and wife and it wasn’t because of lust or infatuation, it was because there were so many signs God gave us. My husband had been praying for his wife while dating around and for 18 months before he met me, God gave him a vision/image of what she (I) would look like. He was still dating and trying to find this girl he had in his head when all the while I was living 1400 miles away in another state where I grew up. I moved to the city he lived in a year before I met him because I felt God calling me there and had it confirmed 3 times by 3 different people that didn’t know each other. When God speaks you move…so I moved. Before I left my parents told me I was going to meet my husband out there. Parents always tend to say stuff like that so i didn’t pay much attention. I was still in a long distance relationship through the first year on the east coast. My husband’s mom asked our mutual friend to hook him up with a christian girl and called my roommate (I was still in my long distance relationship) to meet up with him before church. She was going to be late so they gave him my number so I could save seats and keep him company before she got there. Just texting back and forth was ridiculously comfortable and I felt like I had known him for years even though I had never met him or any of his family before. Needless to say, my roommate was not the one he was supposed to meet. I met him on a Monday, I broke it off with my bf Tuesday, hung out with him Wed, Thurs, and after we went to a movie on Saturday we shared what God had been doing that week and realized we were to be husband and wife. He had been praying for a girl that was exactly like him and my name (first and middle) is the exact female version of his. I matched the image God placed in his head perfectly when we had hung out on Thursday and he had all of the characteristics I had been praying specifically for and vise versa. There is so much more God gave us to confirm our relationship not only for us, but also for both of our families. Within 2 months we were engaged and by month 3, we were married.
I believe every person can have a story as miraculous as ours and I only told half of it. God wants to surprise us and He wants to give us His best. Do we have free will and choice? Absolutely! But we have the choice to choose what God has for us and what He planned to give us from the beginning. I believe if I hadn’t dated around and made all of the bad choices in relationships that led to heartbreak and emotional wounds and followed God’s voice through my single years, I still would have ended up where I did, but whole and preserved for the man of God he created for me. But I didn’t. I listened to the voice of others and dated, had multiple heartbreaks and didn’t stay pure like I knew I should have. I believe it’s a lie that you have to date around and find out what you like and who you’re compatible with. God knows, and He knows you better than you know yourself. He also knows where you’re going in life and what kind of obstacles you will face and the person who will be the best to face them with. It goes back to be equally yoked (2 Cor. 6:14) with the guy/girl you’re supposed to marry. I trusted God’s opinion on that for me and I couldn’t be more elated! I am such a blessed woman and I thank God everyday for the man I married. I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better one.
Believing in soulmates or spiritmates, (whatever you want to call them) gives girls hope that they can marry the man of their dreams. What’s wrong with asking for or expecting to find exactly what you want? What’s wrong with having hope? Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart, psalm 37:4. The dating life is disappointing. Investing 6 months, a year, 2 years whatever it may be, just to break up and discover it wasn’t what you thought it would be. Then start the same process over with someone else. What a waste of time! Waiting for the perfect mate for you (nobody’s perfect, but perfect for you, YES) and finally meeting and falling in love with him/her makes it all worth it! You don’t bring with you all of the preconceived notions you’ve adopted from the others that hurt you and you can fully give yourself to that person with complete trust and openness. How awesome does that sound?
Super long comment, I know. The point is, don’t settle for the same life everyone else is living. There is so much more and God is greater than you know. He made someONE for you…. Listen to Him and follow his steps and you won’t be disappointed.
Mary is right though…even if you find the perfect man made for you, you will never be complete until you’re complete in God. Your man may be the answer to your prayers, but he’ll never be who he needs to be without God #1 in each of your lives. A man doesn’t complete you, God does and He is the only one that can love you perfectly. When you lean on God for everything, everything will fall into place. Be praying, hopeful, and expectant. God will blow all of our expectations out of the water because He’s good and He loves His sons and daughters.
Have an amazing, full of adventure life!

I don’t know that the idea of a soul mate is the problem. More than the idea of a prince charming, or the like type misconception. A Soul mate tends to come off as a “divine” like connection with someone you’ve met that makes everything inevitably perfect. Very similar to how a “Prince Charming” would be described. A type of happily ever after scenario where one person makes everything right. Well that’s ridiculous for obvious reasons, however if we change societies idea of what a soul mate means. I don’t think it would be such a problem.

This would obviously start with the development of the youth. I’ve never been a believer in the “Soul mate” as society has defined it. But I do believe in the right or wrong person for the job. I believe that the level of difficulty in finding the right person, validates the use of the label “Soul mate”. The spiritual reference in this article is bias to your given faith. But still the right idea in that, your mate fills apart of your life that few if any can. My wife is my perfect match, and she has a place in my heart no one else can fill. Same goes with my kids, and so my wife earns the term “Soul Mate” in my book because that’s how I have chosen to define it.

My mother taught me one thing in the short 19 years I had her before she died……that one simple thing has sustained me through all the years since. She told me “you can never be happy with another person until you are happy with just yourself” – so I agree wholeheartedly with your blog post.

Love this! Such a great perspective that, when realized, can really help a few rocky relationships out.
BTW… I totally agree on the grading essays things. Being a teacher is REALLY about the AHA moments.

I think maybe there’s a misunderstanding of terms here. If by “soul mate” you mean the idea that no one can be complete without another person, and if you find that person everything is perfect and there’s no need for work in a marriage, then of course that idea is flawed. I think very few people would disagree with that. However, I absolutely consider my husband of 10 years to be my soul mate because I believe that God is sovereign. He knew I was going to marry my husband before He even created the world. He was the one that God had for me to marry, and now it’s our job to work on our marriage, and, by God’s grace, bring Him glory through our marriage. It’s not as if God is caught off guard by our choices and surprised when/if we choose to get married to a specific person.

I understand that Hollywood and Disney have messed up the idea of “happily ever after,” but let’s not throw God’s sovereignty out with the bath water.

Your words ring very true for me and how I feel about my fiance! You put into print what many women feel and if I have kids (male or female) I hope to share the same sentiment about finding a partner in life! Great post!!!

I don’t believe your husband or wife has to be your soul mate. It could be a best friend, a sister, brother, your mother or father. Your soul mate is not a spot dedicated strictly for the person you are going to marry. I believe you can have multiple soul mates people who touch your life and cause change and vice versa. I have had many people who have touched my soul in my short life thus far. I think we as a society get caught up in trying to find that one “soul mate” that miss out on all the “soul mates” around us touching our souls everyday.

As a single 20 something I love hearing this. I’m very strong willed and sometimes shy away from relationships in fear of falling into that “soulmate” trap. Love hearing this from someone who is happily married with kids!

Excellent post! I got to it by someone else’s Facebook share. I work with college students and young adults at my church and preach this exact idea to them. I tell them the idea of “the one” or a “soulmate” is dangerous to their psyche and tends to absolve them of working in their marriages. “why should I have to actually work on my marriage if this is “the one”? If the marriage doesn’t work out, oh well, I guess he or she wasn’t my soulmate.” I love my wife dearly and would not want to be with another. I wouldn’t trade her for anything. I also know we HAVE to work on our marriage to continue to make it better.

As with most public conversations everyone is “talking past each other”, hearing different things than poster intended, etc. I’m sure Mary’s influence on her children’s life is perfect for them, I trust she has wisdom and insight and the point would be received and do no harm.

My life, is different, however. My wife IS my soul mate. What do I mean? Every marriage that has depth and length will require love, and sacrifice, and understanding, and patience and grace… But if our relationship were found only in those things, if my wife was not my soul mate – I would have left her years ago. We have endured indescribable suffering in our relationship, FAR beyond what I (or she) would need to in order to leave with a pure conscience and “move on” (her as well). I would NOT be ok without her, even if there was nothing I could do to keep us together – EVER – and yet she is not “my god” nor an idol. She is exactly who God created her to be, for me, and I for her, to walk through this life together. She cannot fill the “God hole” in my heart, NOR CAN HE FILL the hole He created for HER to fill. Nothing, and no one else, could.

I don’t (at all) judge those who’s relationships are… different, and I of course would not DARE to think I had advice for what a parent should teach their children (like I could know)… but again I would be careful to what audience your message goes – again to some people to accept your point as truth would be very harmful, hurtful… and if I can say without being over-dramatic – possibly even worse.

A friend sent me this post and I absolutely loved it! I am in my 30s and single and I think that the whole looking for a soulmate is something that I get caught up in when i am dating. I agree with you, there is no perfect person, only a person who can stand by you in the hardships of life and help you grow. I try to keep this in mind as I am looking for my husband but it’s hard especially when all my friends are also looking for their soulmates.

I defiantly see where you are coming from but I never looked at a Soulmate as someone who completes you because that’s something only you can do yourself. The idea of a soulmate does seem like a fairytale but fairytales aren’t dangerous nor are they a risk because anyone who knows anything about life knows that life is what you make it. What you vision, what you believe and feel is what will always manifest in your life, so if you can see your soulmate with clarity and believe they exist you will find them. I don’t really believe in a soulmate because I believe their are many souls compatible to you but it’s your life experience, intuition and understanding that determines if you recognize one when you meet one and how you handle it. I believe that a soulmate is someone who you connect with chemically. Relationships are based off of friendship, communication and trust. You can build a good healthy relationship with someone who you don’t connect with chemically but that relationship will never compare to a relationship build on friendship, communication and trust with one who you do connect with chemically.

Telling others that soul mates don’t exist is like telling someone to go to college and get a job when they tell you they want to be a singer, actor or pro athlete. It sounds politically correct and responsible but at the end of the day you only live once and if that’s what that person wants to do then telling them they shldnt is only going to hold them back from giving it there all and instead they will try to go to school and work but eventually they will realize it’s to late and be measurable or because an old out of date talent still trying to hang on to young dreams because passion is way stronger then opinions.

The moral of the story is that if you can see it then it’s already real because your vision makes it so. All you have to do is have unwavering faith and continue to press forward. Ppl don’t need to be discouraged from believing in soul mates they just need to understand that a soulmate isn’t someone who makes you whole it’s someone who flows with you effortlessly and can be realized with clarity, faith and understanding.

While I believe in what your saying I have to say my experiences is a little different, I was in a horrible relationship with a not so great man and after a short but horrible four months we broke it off i remember crying and praying to god to send me the man that i was supposed to spend my life with that I know i should wait and be patient and trust in him but I just couldn’t wait anymore I did feel this void and I longed for a life partner and a best friend and someone who could honestly complete me to show me sides of myself that i did not know that i had and to support me. A few weeks later April 25,2010 I met a man through MySpace (when it was cool) we chatted and began texting and soon he asked me out on a date we spent hours just talking and from then on we spent everyday together I knew almost instantly that he was special and I slowly noticed him filling the void in my life he is everything to me and I strongly feel that my life was made better by him being in it it’s been four years now and while we are not yet married we are living together and enjoying our lives together. I could not say that my life would still be ok if he were not in it because I needed him i needed that type of connection and the type of love and attention that only my sole mate could give me. I feel very strongly that sole mates do exist ive always been a huge fan of Greek mythology and how they believed that we were made with four arms four legs and two heads and double organs that we were created man man women women and man and women and we thrived and were happy but Zeus fearing there power thought of a plan to have twice as many followers took his lighting bolt and struck the people all over the world splitting them in two but instead of having more followers and more people to worship them the people were forever in search for there other halves. Maybe it’s silly to believe such a thing. But i heard it as a little girl and not coming from a family who’s parents are still together and from a family where my dad was not the greatest man i held this idea firm in my head and in my heart that someday i would find the other half of me and i truly believe with all my heart that I have. I do not believe my man to be perfect I know he is flawed and I’ve have accepted those flaws and those imperfections as I am always not perfect but he completes me body and soul in other ways he truly does feel like my other half. I think what kills marriages and relationships is expectations if i expected him to be the perfect sole mate and to be the perfect man and then he turned out to not be then yes that would eventually kill our relationship i would be constantly disappointed and he would constantly feel like a disappointment but i see him as my equal and as my lover and best friend and my sole mate i will 100% tell my children someday about sole mates and let them decide if it is something they would like to believe in.:)

I guess we all view life and love differently. Some of us wish to find soul mates, others just hope to find a man that is going to love, honor, and cherish them until death do them part. We all pray to God (or whatever higher power you believe in) to send us someone who is better than our last partner and that whomever he sends will be the person that we marry. But with all that said, I believe we do have soul mates out there and that there is another human being on the earth who completes each one of us as a person. In my beliefs, my husband, the person I’m going to live the rest of my life with, should complete me as a person. Just as well as he should be my best friend, my confidant, my partner, the person I look to for support or just a shoulder to cry on. Shouldn’t we WANT our husband to be that one person who is all of these things ? Call me old fashioned but I long to find the one person that can complete me as a person as well as make me a better person in the process. If you can marry a person that you can surely see yourself living without, why the hell did you marry them? LOL ! When I marry I do not want to feel that if we were to break up tomorrow my life could continue on as if everything is okay. I wouldn’t even want to entertain the idea of being able to live without the person that I call ” MY HUSBAND “. Secondly, who ever gave the idea that a soul mate was perfect? Each and every one of us has flaws, sins, and things that we need to work on to make us a better person. And your soul mate is supposed to be that one person that makes you want to correct those flaws, get closer to GOD and repent for your sins, and the one person who helps you work on those things that you needed to change. I think maybe that this is not about the ” soul mate ” per say but more so about the expectations that you have built in your minds about this ” soul mate “.

“That want and need we have for someone to know us, really know us, will never be satisfied while we’re here on earth.”

I have needed to hear this for a long time. I’m currently in a relationship, and it is a great one. But never feeling like anyone really KNOWS me has often left me feeling empty and alone. We are all told that we will find someone that truly knows you, but it is impossible. No one will know all your experiences, your every thought, nor the parts of your subconscious that make you, you.
Why make things more complicated than they need to be? Why torture ourselves hoping and praying for something that does not exist? Movies are not real; they are fairy-tales. No relationship will ever be “perfect.”
What matters is being with someone who you want to spend your time with. Someone you trust to stand by you in the good times, as well as the bad. Someone that allows you to be yourself.

I don’t like hearing words like “impossible”… My God has made so many impossibilities possible for me. But I too feel like I could be happy with more than one person on this great Earth. A Soul is special and unique to the individual, so no one, not ever will match me… my “Soul”, but perhaps be compatible?? But you’re right Mary…. so many different directions you could go with this. I believe each of our views are our own, reflected by our past experiences, and specifically by the fact that we are each different, free thinkers. I can’t objectively look at my life and say I was raised on the soul-mate diet, but eventually when I meet someone who makes me happier than I have ever felt, continually over time, even with all the bad and ugly, who’s to say they would be my soul-mate? Can someone define soul-mate for me? And every definition needs an example right?

Amen Steve. I think it’s a matter of how one defines soul mate. Mary I think it’s important that we raise our children to become independent thinkers. Otherwise they become mini mes or robots. We certainly want to guide them and PRAY for them. I think as Parents we need to pray for ourselves as well, asking for His guidance as we raise our children in Him. Your blog has certainly opened many hearts to think about a very interesting term and concept in our society. I love to see people discuss these ideas instead of arguing about who is right or wrong. Intriguing blog 🙂 Love Steve’s thoughts 🙂

Soul – the “inner” self in every man, woman and child. Mate – a match; and equal; a partner; one who shares with another. In this sense, upon vowing themselves to each other in marriage, each has a soul mate. But that is the short, incomplete answer to “soul mate”. For the individual who has accepted the Lord’s sacrificial offer for his sin debt it would be more than this.

Obtaining a soul mate in marriage does have prerequisites for those who follow Christ and His teachings. The redeemed soul in Christ will only find a true mate in another redeemed soul in Christ. When Christians seek spouses they should seek another of like faith.

My husband of 19 years and I actually traded the stories of our salvation and of our beliefs before we married. We were confident that the other was a saved individual in the Lord. We married nine days after we started dating. Yes, that was fast, but each of us was sure of the other’s belief. We have had rocky times. We have had strong disagreements (arguments!). And we have even had times when we did not like each other. But in truth, we never quit loving one another ever, for we know what love is. It is a God-given gift that grows more evident as we grow in Him. Soul-to-soul, we love each other. We are one in marriage, and one in Spirit. Our fleshly sides still mess up. Yet our soul sides are properly matched in the Lord. And we rely in God for our marriage. He completes us as one in marriage. To me, that is what is meant by a soul mate.

When a person who believes and accepts Christ marries someone who does not, the marriage is missing that oneness found in the Spirit. The marriage may or may not last, but fulfillment will be bitter sweet at best. And this in not two souls mating in the Lord. But it is still marriage in the eyes of God and it is up to the Christian to maintain Christian love in that marriage. It mean there will be discord in their souls as one strives to win over the other (in both directions). However, God does not want us to separate from our mates even when they are not saved. We are to maintain a Christian attitude that our example of God’s love and His ways might bring them to Him.

This is in the teachings found in the New Testament. Marriage standards are set down in black and white that we might refer to them for guidance. They are God-inspired, and they are good and right.

Calling this finding of my husband as finding my soul mate is my way of saying we are one in Christ and one in God. I love that God has given us each other.

Soulmates are definitely real, but they are rare. Rare enough that you really shouldn’t expect it. I found my soulmate, but it wasn’t easy, and if I missed her through circumstance then I would have had to make do with less. Other people can’t make you happy, but there are people that are perfectly for you. Don’t expect to meet them.

I believe it really all depends on your personal definition of a soul mate. I think we have many soul mates, to me soul mates are those people my heart is in sync with. I don’t believe there is a need to tell my children that a soulmate is a fairytale. I believe they will grow to find that their hearts are in sync with a lot of wonderful people that love them and complete their lives. My husband is the soul mate I chose to spend the rest of my life with. My circle of friends are my soul mates. The close circle if girlfriends I’ve grown up with we actually call each other soul sisters. Who says there is a limit?

It’s all in how you define and perceive it.

My husband does complete me, which doesn’t me that without him I would cease to exist, I definitely don’t want to be without him, and without him a part of me would not be the same.

To me soul mates are real they are all around us. We are kindred spirits, bonds we form, and it’s all a product of love and understanding.

Here here!! I totally agree. My best friend is my soul mate. She and I have a connection of love and understanding that no one can break. But we have our own lives and families. We even live in different states at this point. The writer is thinking of prince charming or a white knight, not a soul mate. Now that isn’t true. Only you can save you.

I freakin love this article – though I do believe in soul mates, this article is so on point. Love love and shared! I appreciate when people just say what the hell is on their minds and express their truths. Nice job Mary!

It isn’t that I disagree with you, but I see a different point of view. I’m 33 now and I have been with what is now my wife for 18 years, married for 13. We became an “us” in 1996 when I was a Sophomore in high school and she was a Freshman. To say that we’ve seen ups and downs is an understatement like no other. I’ve been cheated on, beaten up, mentally tortured and the list goes on. Why am I saying this? I was compelled to stay for some reason. For the longest time I told myself the reason was that I didn’t want to become the father that I never knew. I know now that’s wrong. The troubled times of the past are simply that, the past. Things have gotten so much better between the two of us that I can’t explain it. I believe the reason we are still strongly together is because ‘Soul Mates’ do exist, they’re just hard to find and even and even more difficult to recognize. To say that a soul mate is the only option for a love filled life is wrong, but the joy in finding a soul mate, even if it takes more than a decade to realize who they are is very rewarding. I couldn’t force myself to leave when I ‘knew’ that I should and I believe that our souls were too intertwined to allow me to make such a decision. My soul knew exactly what it wanted and that was her soul to cling to. I could have found love and happiness somewhere else, but I’m glad I didn’t. I did enjoy your blog post, it made me think about what I have in my life 🙂

I absolutely believe in soul mates. My inspiration on belief in soul mates and matter of fact was in my wedding vows come from nature. Nature is natural it can not lie. It does what its natural instincts tell it to do and doesn’t have the choices we as humans have to change their mind. My wedding vow example is geese. Geese find that one and only they are destined to find. They then mate for life. They are soul mates they can decide they want a divorce like humans can. Through thick and thin they stay together raise multiple hatchlings and grow old together and if so happens one passes the other grieves itself to death. To me that means when its mate dies so does a piece of them die. Meaning the part of their soul that belong to their love. This is my thoughts. Again nature is the truth. It can’t be changed from what is instinctive to them. So I fully believe in soul mates and I know I have found mine. Yeah I agree neither of us are perfect and never claimed to be but the one thing I know is that we are perfectly meant for each other. I do agree he is not my whole being because we were people before we met but i dony think the meaning of soul mate is what has been stated. That describes an abbusive controlling relationship. We are two different people who found each other to pick up where the other lacks and complete the other. Thats my idea of soul mate.

I love this post… it’s so beautifully written. And I second the woman who says you need to write a book. I just came out on my blog and said that I am getting a divorce… and I find comfort in this post. The reasons for my divorce have nothing to do with being a soulmate… but just the idea of the type of love that their should be in a marriage is comforting.

I can’t say I agree , firstly I don’t think the definition of a soul mate is somebody who completes you, nor do I believe if you did not find one you would never be happy. A soul mate is someone who you connect with in a way you have not done with anyone else. My mother was a soul mate to me, we had a unique connection. I’ve had a romantic soul mate who I never ended up marrying because of circumstance but there will never be anyone that I connect with in the way I did him. However that does not make me unhappy because I am glad I had the time I did with him, what there was between us was exceptional and I would never have been without it. Certainly explain to them that they need to be complete within themselves but don’t deny them the dream that there may be someone out there that will connect with there soul in a unique way. Life is full of disappointment and pain but a moments joy should be seen as a blessing not a curse

Nicole, Michelle, EM and all the others who have found in this life what can be termed no less than a soul mate and also those that dare to hope:

Don’t waste any of your time debating this fodder – you give credence to it by even entering in. It’s simply an attempt of those who have not found their soul mate to discredit the very notion. Don’t even feel bad for them – for by their own admission they are complete without their partner. It’s sad that some of them have transferred their pain and disillusionment into religious psychobabble – but would you rather they just suffer? Of course not… And others of them have no pain or disillusionment at all and have simply never allowed their hearts to trust or see another human so deeply. And there are others still… But none of them need to hear that they have missed something – if it ever appears (or could) they will know then.

You on the other hand have everything to loose. No sane person who has found or believes in the existence of a soul mate expects them to be perfect – or “fill a God-hole”. But those to whom I speak either have found it or are preciously wreckless enough to dare to hope – and that faith, that heart – will be brutally attacked by this world – and sickly even by those who claim to know Love personally. Believe. You know deep down. Live from that heart – even if you get hurt you will not be guilty of….

Thanks for sharing Mary. Although I believe that the concept of soul mate can be dangerous if misunderstood, I DO believe that there is someone who fits us BEST. I was married for 15 years and had moments of happiness, but after I went through a divorce and found my current husband, I would have NEVER believed it possible. He KNOWS me so well, and I believe he is a demonstration of God’s love to me. And I him. We both agree that he and I are at a level where we fit each other spirit, soul, and body. Not perfect, either one of us by any means, but we have stuck with eachother through hell and high water. God loves us so much that he DOES what us to have a love that is passionate, overwhelming and true….in him, WITH our mate. Not a detached, clinical, and suffering minded view of marriage. Marriage should not be “work”, we should work on ourselves, granted, but we should never have to “work” at loving someone, just at forgiving their shortcomings as they forgive ours.

Thank you for sharing your insights with us. Puttting those deep feelings and understandings out there for all the world to see is not easy. Your intent to share your learning with others was a kind and generous gesture. Whether any agree or not, your good intent is valued and a beautiful example of trust and generosity.

On a side note, if those kitchen chairs were turned with the backs against the cabinets, they would be anchored and would not accidentally tip over if your daughters should stumble backwards while standing one them. A simple fall is much to be preferred over falling and then having the chair flip over on top of them. Just sayin’.

People who don’t believe in soulmates, never found theirs… I 100% disagree with this article. When people say there is an “instant connection” it’s not the same as “love at fist sight”. Connection hints the meaning of something deeper. Not physical appearance or 1st impression. When uou find your soulmate it’s not “someone coming in to rescue you from your previously horrible life…” It’s someone making your already amazing life, unbelievable even better than that. If you haven’t felt that and don’t ever day of your relationship, then it’s as simple as that- you haven’t found your soulmate, you’ve found a loving & comfortable to grow old with best friend… Which isn’t a bad thing, but you can’t have a true idea on something just because you haven’t felt it yet.

The best sort of love doesn’t always appear as an instant connection either though. I think back on my first few interactions with my husband and grin. He was just a shy, somewhat cute boy who I invited to a party purely out of courtesy. Time and shared experiences form the strongest bond.

As a divorce lawyer, I think if more people understood this concept we would have less divorce – which is one of my missions ( please DO put me out of business!). The expectation that one should have a relationship where they can utter – or have someone say passionately to them – the cliche Hollywood line “You Complete Me” has been a disservice to many a relationship!

Thank you for this reminder, Mary. It was right on time. Even though I know the truth about God being my only soul mate, it is sometimes hard not to hold my husband to that expectation and even harder when I feel like I am not his everything! I had just read a devotion and was arguing with God about what it said when I stumbled upon your post. It was like God used you to shout back to me, “Yes I am with you always and My way IS perfect!” Thank you for allowing the Holy Spirit to move you from thoughts to sharing in print. You may save many marriages, future relationships, and lives with your words. How awesome is that?!

Brilliantly written. Although I have to say that I have found a soulmate, my best friend. She’s my travel buddy, my confidant, my real talk girl. No man or other friend or relationship has ever compared and no trust or bond has ever been stronger.

Soulmates May or not exist for everyone, but for those of us lucky enough to find ours, they’re not always spouses or mates.

I agree with you – and consider myself experienced in relationships – I’ve been married for 37 years! but, our relationship still requires lots of work, hard work. we are individuals but our souls belong to the Lord!

*as a grandma – this is off subject – please turn the chairs around when your daughters wash dishes – so easy to tip over the chair with the seat faced toward the counter!!!

Now, I don’t support the theory that we are incomplete as individuals, and am all for empowerment of young girls to see themselves as a complete beings. However, it is always helpful when one has a partner in life who can smooth out their rough edges so to speak. I know in our relationship that my husband and I make up for each other’s weaknesses in a sense. Moreover the term soulmate does not imply that a person on their own, is somehow incomplete. Finally, really? You’re teaching your daughters that a man up in the sky will live them more than their own husband? Come on!

LOVED THIS!!! This inspired me so much today. Why? Because today I was stuck in a rut, thinking about my lackluster love life and how I yearn for a soulmate. Maybe you’re right, maybe we just meet amazing men that we wind up marrying. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s my destined soulmate.

I am truly sorry the one you’ve chosen for your life partner is not your soul mate. But in the end, that’s your own personal problem, not something you should push on the earth as a whole. You’re husband is obviously gay. And that’s fine. I don’t have a problem with gays or lesbians. Bisexuals or trans-sexuals. That is their prerogative, and I support that. But don’t kill your kids dreams by telling them they’ll never find their soul mate. Some people do. Some people don’t. I am truly sorry some or all of you women didn’t marry your soul mate. Maybe you just found someone compatible and settled because you were impatient. However, I was very patient. And I would have continued to be patient until I finally found what I yearned for.
My point is this: Don’t give up because of this article. Your life is about you…not your kids. Their life is about them. Don’t take that away from them. Don’t steal their hopes and dream because of what you did not accomplish. It’s not their fault and they DESERVE to have their own dreams, despite what you might have experienced. Think about that first of all. I apologize for my candor. But there are some things I just don’t believe in letting go. God bless you y’all. Have a wonderful night and a perfect life!

This is an interesting article. However, I disagree with the premise. Soul-mate is a term bandied about quite a bit, and in common language it seems to mean someone who completes you and adores you and makes your life perfect. But that’s dumb. A soul mate is a mate for your soul, as opposed to someone who is merely a mate for your body. As a mate for your soul, they bring out the best in you, help you to see life better, and understand you on a deep and fulfilling level. It goes without saying that they care deeply about you.

I believe in the truth of soulmates because my parents are the perfect example of them. They met, and dated for seven years before marrying and staying married for 31 years until my mother’s death. My dad had the cliched experience of seeing my mother and thinking to himself, “That’s the woman I’m going to marry.” That whole instant connection thing? It’s real. He had to wait quite some time because she thought she would never want to get married, but she did end up marrying him. They are the most loving couple i’ve known. They would stay up late at night and talk to each other for hours. On my mom’s off day, they often went on lunch dates or visited the museum. This was WHILE they were married. Yes, they were still dating! Of course they fought, sometimes bitterly, but they shared common interests, a common vision for our family, and deep and abiding love. They have both told me on several occasions that they could not have found anyone else more suited to them. They were truly made for each other.

What effect has this had on me, a teenager about to embark on my on romantic life? It certainly hasn’t taught me to spend my time searching for some perfect person. It HAS taught me the essential ingredients for a beautiful relationship. Though I have never dated, I’ve liked several different boys. Each time, I note the qualities that I admire in them–their kindness, their ideas, their ability to listen, whether or not they are encouraging toward me. I consider them all as the kinds of people I might end up with. I pray that eventually, just like with my parents, God will put a person in my life that is the right person for my soul, as well. And, as my mom always told me, I’ll marry a friend. A kindred spirit in life often turns out to be your “soul mate.”

I disagree with you. Not because I think you are wrong, but I think you have the wrong idea of what a soulmate is. Jacob and I met when I was 15. Both of us seriously going down the wrong path. I ended up pregnant only months later and had a beautiful baby boy when we were 16 and 17.

No body thought we would make it. Not even us. We thought we were in it for my son. We fought, moved out of our first apartment, and back in with our parents about three years into it. It lasted a few weeks before our family was back together.

We didn’t really choose each other. We chose to fight for each other, but that’s usually not enough. GOD PUT US TOGETHER. The both of us strongly believe that God put us together to turn our lives around, and that’s exactly what it did.

I don’t believe that a soul mate is something over the top like you’re thinking. I think it’s when two people find each other they never expected, and it turns their whole world around. Two people put together by something greater than all of us. When God sparks a relationship, not just two people looking for something.

Let your baby girls develop their own opinions through their life experiences. They may end up feeling how I do.
Now don’t get me wrong we don’t feel like we can’t breathe without each other, can’t live without each other, like you were describing. Sure it would suck, but that’s the part I’m disagreeing with here.
If they do find a “soulmate” they won’t be helpless without their man.

Honestly I just feel blessed. It just gives us even more of a reason to fight for each other. When we fight; because we do. If God wants us to be together, we want to be together. (Also let me add, as we believe in God, we are not the overly religious type. We don’t even go to church, but every once in a while.)

I really couldn’t have asked for anything better out of my life. As perfect as something can be in an imperfect world, it ended up being the way I feel about my life. I would have none of this without God helping us find one another.

I know you don’t know me and probably won’t change your opinion, but maybe it can open your eyes to a different meaning in the term.

I think that instead of waiting to tell your children about your opinion on a soulmate, you should instead just lightly guide them through their life and encounters with love, give them advice with the knowledge and wisdom you gathered, but never interfere by expressing your opinion in a way that sounds like fact. (That is also important for your want to have your children grow up with no real sense of there being a normal way of living, and an abnormal way.) You should let them mould their own opinion ans understanding of a soulmate, based on their own beliefs and experiences. Maybe the word to them will have a different meaning, But it doesn’t mean they’ll develop a misguided opinion on love because of it.

Soul Mate used to mean that to me. These days a lover is what I call it.

See the truth is majority of the people long for love from a significant other. Ask around about people’s relationships. Everyone is a used car dealer and you cant trust the warranty.

Here is the skinny: There is a quote about how a soul mate enters your life turns you upside down and brings you closer to yourself.

I will not knock the part about God. I believe that.

Just a couple of points on the article:

1) This is a literal meaning and article. Honestly your husband would be in concept YOUR soul mate. Thats great you could go without your husband and be happy or whatever but here is where you messed that up. You told your audience HE makes you a better person. If you were happy with yourself then you would have said YOU make you a better person.

2) Again literally speaking I’m sure you know the bible states where a woman comes from. This is not up for debate. You will find someone and you will be a part of them.

Its quite simple. Honestly just keep on loving your husband and children. Thats the best thing. Talking is guidance but love is binding, comforting, real, and forever.

I am in a relationship with my soul mate.
I am a believer. He is not.
It was not an ‘Instant’ connection. We started off as classmates in Uni, then became friends, then a couple.
I previously dated a ‘born again’ christian. He appeared to be so… but did not have Gods spirit in him. You can call yourself christian but not have Gods spirit in you (Aside)

My boyfriend now is a blessing from God. I am complete with or without him. I do not need him to feel complete because I understand why God created me and put me on earth.

However He is my support system. He guards my faith! Makes sure i pray, understands my vow of abstinence to God and does not pressure me for Sex. He does not play with my affars. Our love is mature, we put each other first! I love him completely. My comments not coherent cause my thots are all over the place but basically in summary.

To my unborn kids, a mate for your soul exists, it is the one that is peferctly imperfect for you! The one whos flaws God has given you the ability to handle and vice versa.

Mary, you hit the nail on the head! This post was fantastically written. We just had this conversatiion with our young adutls at church a couple weeks ago. I love the whole idea that God gives us choices. He leads and guides us, but He does give us options. If He is truly our all, I believe we will find a person who will compliment our personalities in the best way possible. My parents had a difficult marriage the last few years of my dads life and one constant issue was he based his happiness on what my mom did or didn’t do – too much pressure for one person! IWhen we make Him our all, we can become the person we would want to marry, become the best spouse to someone else because we would be a healthy person going into a relationship. Chick flicks have warped girls minds for years (including mine). Thanks for a well put post! I’m sharing!

Love this… There is a fabulous children’s book that empresses this so perfectly. It is called The Missing Piece by Shell Silverstein. I think you would love reading it to your kids, I know I did when mine were little.
Thanks for sharing.
rohndasue.com

You totally opened my mind to a different perspective – something I hadn’t ever considered!

I am a romantic at heart and “finding your soul mate” sounds like such a romantic thing. However, the idea that a flawed human will ever be able to fill the void we have in our hearts is…well…setting us up for disappointment.

If there is one thing I have learned in my marriage, it is that my husband cannot supply my every need (doesn’t mean I haven’t tried – bless his heart!), but praise God, my Savior can!!

The fact that you dont believe does not make it any less so. She is a Christian writing about her experience. It is beautiful and valid. And I find it very meaninful. Your views are no more “right”. They are simply what you choose to believe and will most likely teach your children.

While we might have different definitions of “soul mate”, we are usually talking about one person we are fated to love for the rest of our lives. That’s beautiful and romantic, but the hard truth is that there isn’t one special person out there for everyone (the male/female ratio is not 50/50). Assuming there is one and only one perfect person for us causes a lot of perspective problems. What if our soul mate comes along after we are already married to someone else? If our spouse dies and we have another happy marriage later, which was our soul mate?

A good marriage isn’t based on fate. The bricks are laid with blood and sweat and tears. It’s accepting imperfections and cherishing silliness and simplicity. There’s a wonderful power in shaping your own destiny. There’s a beauty in having someone who makes the choice to love you no matter what life throws your way. My husband and I weren’t fated to be together, but I wouldn’t trade this life for anything.

thank you so much for this down to earth wisdom. I, too, do not believe in the term “soul mate” and get so sick and tired of hearing my delusional friend who is in the crappiest relationship EVER refer to the person who shares her space as her “soul mate” The idea of a “soul mate” conjures up unrealistic expectations that are not achievable and leaves a person feeling empty and used.

In the same vein that people will tell you that something cannot be done up the minute you do it, go ahead and tell those of us living with our soul mates that the relationship is unrealistic. Go ahead – I’m living it, wheter you believe or not. I define my soul mate, not you or the author or any other naysayers. Yes, I can, Yes I do and Yes I will.

I think it depends on your definition of a soul mate. I know my husband is not perfect and vise versa. We don’t look to each other to fill any voids. Instead we pray and celebrate God together because we both know he completes us and that is why my husband and I are soul mates.

Loved reading your article! My wife and I have been married for 36 years in July and discovered that early on in our marriage! We learned to big things about God in those early years. God completes people and God changes people! And that was God’s domain and so we stopped trying to complete one another or change one another, because God is in charge of those area’s.

I’m happy for you that this is the way you feel and probably 5 Years ago I would have completely agreed with you. As of today I sit back and watch from my perspective and could not disagree with you more. (This is my opinion now, not trying to start anything just expressing mine as she has done with the article). If you do not believe in a soul mate that is fine but as of now I truly do. I met mine a few year ago and cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with her. There is not a second that passes that I am not thinking about her. Every decision I make, thought I blurt is revolved around her. Now that I have found her I honestly could not imagine life without her. She completes me fully. I treat her like a queen every day. We have the absolute most amazing relationship that many of our surrounding friends yearn for! She is my soul mate! What you have stated in this article I just couldn’t even fathom what I had read. I never held out for my soul mate. we were placed in each live’s by God. It just happened, we were both living our lifes to the fullest not worrying about finding someone when our relationship just fell into place oh so beautifully! He certainly had a plan for us! I am so glad he did. As a Christian it is my opinion that the bible teaches us how to love. I know if it came to my life over my wifes, without the blink of an eye I would give up my life for hers. She is my soul mate there is no way that God did not have a plan for our lives! I thank him every night for putting her into my life! I am the luckiest man alive. She is perfect for me! I don’t state she is perfect by no means because everyone has their flaws! But when it comes to me she is perfect for me and I am perfect for her! we balance each other perfectly! When you know you just know, We told each other that we loved each other the first date we had. Everyone around us told us it was the puppy dog stage and we would grow out of it. Fast forward 3 years later and I love her more today than our first date, but not as much as tomorrow. Not finding your soul mate almost to me means your settling. If youre not happy then dont settle! Someone is out there who can truly make you happy! im not saying hold out by any means! take chances get your heart broken a few times but always get back up and stay positive. I had given up on relationship… then blossomed the most beautiful one I could every imagine! Not that I believe in greek mythology I do however like the story of Zeus and how the original human was who had 4 arms, 4 legs, 2 Heads, 4 lungs, 2 hearts. Zeus split the human in two, causing us to forever search for our missing half… I am glad to say that God has given me my other half! Whatever makes you happy do it! I just love expressing how much I love my wife and what she means to me.

What a depressing outlook…looks like someone might have some ‘daddy issues’ they are trying to defy. And how horrible for her little girls to go through their lives living by their mothers messed up definition of love and soulmate. So happy my husband and I are each other definition of soulmate…and we were married 7 months after the first day we met

The evidence is mathematical 0+0=0… The universe can not create itself. Furthermore, mankind’s technological progression in the last 20,000 years from hunter gather to space traveler far exceeds a Fibonacci series on the evolutionary clock. I doubt that you understand that but i’m throwing it out there anyway. Your soul is not of this realm. It is your happiness. Something that transcends your fleeting existence on this blue marble. Without it you are meaningless. The only way to nurture it is to love thy neighbor as thy self. Which is the greatest commandment, the same as loving the Almighty with all of your heart, according to Christ (who also walked the walk). You see the miracles don’t matter. Walking on water and turning Coke to Pepsi was not his message. If an omnipotent being appeared before you shooting fireballs from his arse and telling you that gingers are superior to you, would you go with it? No you would not. Christ’s true message is/was miraculous. Without it the world would be in bad state. Yes, I know some bad things have happened in the name of Christianity. I also know some very bad atheists. Christianity is still trying overcome 1900 years of low literacy an no printing press, but his true message is taking hold, and it is a miraculous story. I feel like i’m throwing too much at you, so i’ll stop.

First off, I usually never comment on articles especially ones dealing with the opinion about love or god. But that’s just it…they are only opinions and everyone has one. Doesn’t make them right or wrong it just means everyone has the capabilities to see, experience, and view things differently from one another. I think that in its self is an amazing thing because how boring would life be if everyone always agreed about everything.

I do think the article highlights one very good point. It doesn’t matter whether it was 10yrs ago, 100yrs ago, or today, but people perceive certain aspects of life with overally high views that can hurt or disappoint them if those views never get fulfilled. Everyone has had to live with something that disappointed them..it’s learning how to deal with the situation that matters. That doesn’t mean they cannot be fulfilled because life is full of opportunities and working hard to get there is one good way to meet the overly high view. Sometimes luck just comes into play. Either way I think the best thing for people is to stay open minded and be able to see the situation in different ways. Take each situation and try to make the best of it because that is one way how you will enjoy life.

That being said I am not a parent my self and I not entirely sure how I would want to approach the “love” talk to my children. I would of course want to protect them like any parent would but over protection could be just as damaging as not protecting at all. It’s a fine point between trying to make your children realize with good can come bad for the two cannot live with out each other to dashing dreams off a cliff. Either way you decide to approach this, I feel the most important thing is to consult your partner before taking action or know ahead of time there view so if there is a disagreement the child doesn’t get confused with parents conflict of view.

The one other thing I definitely agree with is that no one but yourself can make you truly happy. If you are not truly happy before you are with someone adding them will not change that. It might add to having happier moments but true happiness is only something you your self control. Someone being there is a bonus, a enhancer but not a fix. For those that believe in god (not saying I do or don’t) it’s not god who makes you directly happy. It’s your choice to believe in a your god, it’s your choice to have a good view point of your god, it’s your choice to feel like your God has made you happy. Either way it’s still you making yourself happy.

I hope I didn’t lose anyone along the way or offend anyone. My only true intent was to help people see opinions are not a right or wrong thing and that’s all this article was, an opinion on soul-mates. Also please be kind I typed this on my smart phone and sometimes it tries to be so smart it puts it’s own words in. Remember it is you who controls your life and your perceptions. Thank you for reading and being kind.

I don’t agree with the author’s definition of “soul mate”. A LOT of the folks commenting here seem to get hung up in the belief that “if I have my soul mate, THE ONE, then my marriage won’t take work and it’s easy-peasy 24x7x365x80”. That is simply not the case.

A while after my first wife died when I was 34, I started dating again. I knew I was going to find my soulmate, I just didn’t know when or how. But I knew it was going to happen. So I dated quite a few women, made a lot of friends, and learned a lot about myself. About a year after I started dating, I had the online thing down to a science. I would read someone’s profile, pick out some details, and spend some time thinking about questions to ask.

Then lightning struck one Thursday night. I ran across a profile. I didn’t have to think about questions, or what to write. I just knew what to write. Starting early the next Friday morning we began e-mailing, chatting, texting, calling back and forth. We couldn’t see each other for a week and a half due to scheduling issues but we communicated every waking moment.

I had to throw out my “first dates shouldn’t last longer than 3 hours” rule because the first Saturday we met, we spent 14 hours together! Yes, our relationship did have quite a lustful start – she kissed me deeply 2 minutes after I walked in her door that day – but the intellectual and emotional connection was substantial. We were married about 2 years later.

Our marriage, like everyone else’s, requires a lot of work to maintain. But my wife is definitely my soulmate, and I want to put in whatever work it takes to keep going.

Hmm i think Mary misunderstands the meaning of Soul Mate. I agree God is our all, but God made Eve in order to complete Adam, thus, Eve was Adam’s soulmate. God said that they were not two separate, but two together as one. They were complete , they were soul mates. Perfect? No, they screwed humanity forever, but they were soul mates. Without Eve, even though Adam had God, he was lonely and often unhappy.

Because I didn’t have any positive male role models growing up. My parents divorced when I was 8 and my mom never remarried – point being, I didn’t have a couple to watch and emulate. I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like.

I watched a ton, and I mean a TON, of cute romance movies, i.e. chick flicks. I dreamed of the quirky banter, the hot nights in the bedroom, surpises, and on and on. One day I’d meet my soulmate too.

I expected my prince to read my mind, to know the perfect thing to say and be attentive every minute of the day. A guy who’d want to do everything I did without a complaint – he better be smiling ear to ear too – because we’re soulmates and soulmates should be happy together all the time, right? FALSE.

Controlling bosses, in-laws, dirty diapers, and crying kids are only a list of a few things that zap your libido, patience and good mood. All the chick flicks in the world can’t remedy that.

There’s not a soulmate walking the earth to find you. It’s all about proximity – location, location, location. If I never moved from Nevada to Oklahoma when I was 8, I’d most likely married a person who worked or lived in Nevada – not to my husband I met because we both attended the same high school and college.

I’m happy we moved. Happy I met him. Happy we married 17 years ago. Happy to have two fantastic kids. Happy I know what true love is because it’s not about a soulmate. It’s something much deeper, intangible and hard to explain but it’s real and it’s not something you find or finds you – it’s earned over time and it’s beautiful.

This is a horrible article written by someone who clearly hasn’t experienced soul shaking and unwavering love that draws to people together tighter than the most powerful magnetic forces in the universe.

I agree. She probably decided that “God wanted her to be with him” instead of actually finding someone she loved. The god she believes in isn’t real yet shes going to tell her kids to settle for a mediocre marriage and that some dude in the sky will fix everything else.

Exactly. I do believe that those who say the concept of soul mate is not real did settle. I am a Christian woman and I do believe that my husband completes me and that my life would not be as good if I hadnt met him. Why? Because the Bible states this. And also because every fiber of my being wasnt complete until my husband and I join as one. A man has a need to feel needed. I wonder how he feels to know that his wife, would have just been fine without him? WHAT??? Wow, then why did you get married??? Why didnt you stay to yourself??? (1 Corinthians 11:9, genesis 3:16) The woman was made for the man, and her desire is for her husband. The Head of every woman is the man, and the head of every man is Christ.(1 Corinthians 11:3) God did not make woman for Himself. He made man for Himself, and woman for man. So a woman who claims to be Christian and indoctrinating her daughters to not hold out for a husband basically is backwards. Thats why she was made. God wrote my husbands and I’s love story, and I’m sorry that wasnt the case for you, but don’t make it seem like that “it doesnt exist” because it does. In fact the Bible talks about the perfect match made in heaven story more often then love out of convenience.

I did not marry my soul mate the first time around. He was what every feminist would think is the perfect husband/father. Maybe he was? The man I am married to now makes me the strongest person I have ever believed I could possibly be. My confidence has soared due to his challenging me to be the most I can be. He is definitely my soul mate, and I am the one who scoffed at the idea of a “soul mate”! It is real!

I like the concept of what you are teaching your daughters and yes no one can complete your heard like God. But this seems to miss the point of the word soul mate.why can’t there be two “souls” that meet and are meant to be together. It is an insult to those of us who believe we are with the one we were actually meant to be with and married out of love and knowing God meant for us to find each other. We married for the right reasons and not for lust. 13 years later we still look at each other like the day we met. Why not focus on teaching your daughters to wait until they meet and marry that man they feel and know God chose them to be with.

I have to agree that your definition of what a soulmate is doesn’t realistically exist. But I’m married to a wonderful man who is my family, and we’ll grow that family. Our children will live in laughter and music and they will know love every day because of that man. He’s the greatest partner i could ask for. But while we were dating I met my soulmate. I met someone that I loved instantly, trusted instantly, and that hasn’t changed in the many years that have gone by since I met him. He will be my friend for life. He will be my only friend who truly knows me forever. I will walk with him always. But he isn’t my husband. Soulmates are real. At least by my definition

I suppose my issue with this is the same as many others. I think your definition of soulmate is perhaps not flawed, but at least different than mine. I agree that God completes each individual. That you are not lacking in anything. That marriage isn’t between two halves that make a whole, but between two wholes that somehow make a whole. However, I also believe that God has a perfect plan for each of us… that things don’t happen by accident… that, of course, He gives us free will to pick whichever path we want, but that He always has a perfect option. I believe God calls people, such as missionaries, to specific places, and if I believe that then why would I not also believe that God calls people to specific people? So, perhaps it is the term soulmate that makes people so uncomfortable. Call it what you will, but I know God gave me a perfect match for me… just as he did for Adam. I have living proof.

I LOVE THIS!!! So many young women (especially Christian women) are left feeling like they “missed it” when they don’t feel completed by their spouse. This idea is so damaging and is based on FANTASY. It is impossible to enjoy your reality when your mind is bound up in fantasy. It is robbery!

i absolutely love this!! i am going to print this out and have a copy for each of my own.. THIS.. this is truth. thankyou so much for writing this and sharing, i wish with all my heart i had been told this when i was young

My personal opinion is that everyone has their own definition of what a soul mate is. Some say they have found theirs, others say there is no such thing. For those who say there is no such thing as a soul mate, to me, they are jumping the gun a bit. Maybe it’s because you haven’t found your soul mate and this is why you believe there is no such thing. Just something to think about.

I like to think that I choose my husband to be my soulmate. I choose it over and over again. He is the mate of my soul because I let him be and I would never choose anyone else. This is a great article with a great message about marriage that we need to get out there for the younger generations….marriage is hard work. It isn’t all daisies and rosy cheeks. It’s hard. It’s hard because of the hole that you mentioned. How beautiful this world would be if everyone understood that hole to be their longing for their Heavenly Father. It sure changes things. Thanks for a great read.

This is amazing and so so true. When I do have children I will (a) raise them in a gender neutral household as well and (b) teach them these same principles about love. These are things I am just now learning as a 20-something single woman and it is so comforting to see that I am not the only one who has realized that God is Love and He is the only Soul Mate I need.

Many people are misinterpreting what she means by soul mate being not true and the hole only god can fill.
First, the soul mate: I don’t believe she’s saying that finding someone you can love with all your heart is something that isn’t going to happen. What she means, or what I think she means, is that no person in this entire world of billions of people has the ability to come into your life and everything goes happily ever after, nothing bad happening ever again. I know it sounds silly that some people may believe that that is true, but there are people who do, mostly girls, because that is how they have been taught, Movies and romance novels depict this kind of perfect that can happen if the right person comes along, and while I believe there are perfect people for you out there, I don’t believe there are perfect people who will make your life perfect. That is just as ridiculous sounding to me as how ridiculous blah blah about GOd is to others.

And The God part, what she means is there’s a part of your soul, not your love life, that only God can fill. It has more to do with the need to be comforted that no matter what happens, you will be taken care of, thanks to God. And that what a relationship with God is about. Faith that he is your provider and the ultimate force over all things. It’s not about harassing people with your beliefs. It’s not about anything other than love and faith.

And if you don’t like hearing opinions made available by someone who seems to have God as a main part of her belief systems, you should seek material without God as a main principal rather than asking that person to exclude such a main part of her beliefs. Remember, you came to this page on your own doing. She didn’t pop this page into your email or facebook. Anytime God is mentioned by anyone this days, it’s the same tired argument, “I don’t like it when you talk about God.”. Don’t like animals, don’t go to the zoo.

1
: a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament
2
: a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs

Who wouldn’t want this in a marriage?

I see parts of this that make sense, but others simply don’t compute with my own experience. I married my soul mate 34 years ago and he is everything earthly to me. My love of God is and always has been intact, and that and my husband make my life complete.

Our three children grew up in a household where they experienced the effects of Mom and Dad loving each other. They grew to be secure, responsibly adults, who have chosen their spouses wisely, seeking out traits that they see in their parents and in the love we share and share with them. They raise their children the same way–security in knowing their parents understand and love each other and are devoted to each other.

To deprive little girls of the idea that such a love can exist is cruel. If their soul mate doesn’t exist, they’ll find that out on their own. They don’t need anyone telling them never to expect it. That sets them up to prove you wrong. What is the harm in investing in someone who is worthy of the investment? Who know you better than anyone? Who would lay down their life for you? I say nothing and I’m living proof that such a happiness exists, in a Christian home.

At first i was kinda upset at the title of this article but upon reading it i could not agree more with this article it is a really important thing that all people not just couples should read thankyou so much for sharing this information!!

Jesus even tells us we wont be married in Heaven, kind of contradicting the soul mate thing. “Matthew 22:29-30 – 29 Jesus replied, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. 30 At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.” Full context here http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+22%3A23-39&version=NIV

I found this to be really deep and really eye-opening, until Christianity took the forefront. You say that you want your daughters to be aware that soul-mates are not real and not to hope for one because to do so might ruin their ability to be happy and fulfilled in an otherwise healthy relationship, yet you follow that by encouraging them to follow the words and practices of an imaginary man in the sky who exists even less than your daughter’s potential soul-mate? I find this to be hilariously backwards.

I feel a little badly for your daughters. This article made me sad. I am a completely independent woman, who believes in the love of God, and I can honestly say that my husband IS, in fact, my soul mate. I can even admit that my soul jumped a little bit at the first sight of him. No, we do not have some fantasy love story, nor do we live in a fairy tale. We are very much opposites and our communication styles are absurdly different. Sometimes I even think he’s the most hopeless man I’ve ever met, and I know he has felt the same way toward me. But when life gets hard, I feel lonely, or needy (and we all feel these ways, no matter how independent we are or how much we know God loves us), he makes my soul smile. I have felt it as a deep contentment in my core. We have been through really traumatic experiences as a couple, and my soul is always healed by our being together. So, in that way, he is EXACTLY what my soul needs. If we were meant to be alone in life, God would have planted us each on our own little island, far from each other. I have imagined myself alone if my husband were to pass before me, and have thought about what that would mean for me personally, with our children. I have to tell you that I’m fully prepared to take on that task, BUT, my soul will absolutely feel like its lost and missing something that it once had. A person can function with only one hand, one kidney, and certainly part of the soul, but if given the choice, don’t we all want to perform and function at a more optimal level? This is why my husband is my soul mate. He actually DOES make me feel better, and my soul feels content in having him in my life. I guess it’s all how you look at it, but phrases are only coined from experience, so obviously others have felt that they’ve met their soul mates too. Here’s to all women finding their soul mate – whomever they KNOW compliments their own being. Having a soul mate doesn’t mean you aren’t an independent woman, that you are needy, or that you are following a silly dream. And it doesn’t replace God’s love. It is a compliment to your being, plain and simple.

Exactly what I wanted to say. I believe the author got Hollywood’s (or literary) idea of “soul mate” mixed up with the real thing. A soul mate is simply someone you have a deep affinity for. I see a lot of articles trying to break out of societal norms and labels, and to me it’s symptomatic of deeper issues with our culture. Waxing philosophical doesn’t make it accurate.

I think it’s interesting that you assume that your daughters are going to grow up and marry MEN. Statistically speaking, there’s a 20% chance that one of them will want to marry a woman…or even no one at all.

Yes I agree – it’s is very presumptuous of her. She talks about wanting her girls “to figure out what works best for their worlds” yet she’s giving them an identity before they have the chance to discover their own truths. They should be able to form their own beliefs and if they want to believe in a soul mate – let them. Mary believes in god but not soul mates? Why can she put her faith in one intangible force, but not another? Let the girls decide what the term soul mate means to them or if they believe in religion. I know they’re young, but in time their own beliefs will take shape.

After reading your article a light bulb starting flashing above my head. After being in an 18 year marriage I realized that no matter how much I try I will never complete or fill that void that my husband has missing. Unlike him, I did have a wonderful childhood and family. I love him with all his virtues and defects. On the other hand, he only sees the negative in me and puts me down all the time. Today, before reading this article I had made up my mind of divorcing him. Now … I am 100% sure of my decision. What I need is a friend, a partner, a husband, not someone who who needs to put me down due to his insecurities.

I will teach my daughters to look for a partner, a friend, not someone who needs to be completed or who can complete them.

I have never commented on a blog before. I am not a blogger, nor am I a mother so feel free to take what I’m about to say with a grain of salt.

I don’t necessarily believe that you should tell your daughters that soul mates don’t exist. The reason I feel passionately enough to write to you saying this is not because I have oodles of time on my hands. On the contrary, actually. I’m currently working full time and going to school full time, so the next 2 hours is about the only amount of time per day I have to do anything. The fact that I’m writing this is also very out of character for me in that a year ago I probably would have been the last person in the world to disagree with you. I’m 25 and just about to finish law school and I was raised by a single mother and a majority-female family. I was raised to depend on no one but myself, be independently successful, make myself happy, and love God above all else. The reason I’m writing this is because I wanted to explain why I don’t think the existence of soul mates and the ability to trust that God is the only one who can truly complete you are mutually exclusive.

I have had quite a few less than ideal boyfriends in my short 9 years of dating and despite them all, have remained independently happy and satisfied with my own life and my own personal success. When I say success, I mean by way of my familial relationships, friendships, faith, personal happiness in general, and career. If you had told me a year ago that I would be dating a man that God put on this earth for me, to make me better everyday, to be my perfect complement, to be everything I’m not, I would have told you that you were full of it.

I have never settled for anyone who I didn’t believe reflected the best in me. That is why I have had a good number of boyfriends that I have loved (and when I say loved, I mean only after a good year each of really feeling them out) but subsequently ended it with. My soul mate is one of my best friends from high school. Someone that I would not have dated back then because he was too nice or too innocent. I could go on to tell you the whole story about how we came to be and if you would like, I will. If not, just trust me when I say that the way it happened is the most blatant example of fait that I have ever even heard of.

This man that I was once so close with, I fell in love with in 2 days. I have always been more mature and largely happier, more passionate, and more optimistic than anyone I know . I truly believed I knew what love was. Until this relationship, though, I don’t think I even knew what happiness really was. The difference my family sees in me and I see in myself is remarkable.

Since high school, I have woken up everyday thanking God for my life and everything else he has given me. Since I met this man that I will marry and spend the rest of my life with, I truly don’t know how to thank God enough. Every time I try to tell him how thankful I am, I am close to tears because I don’t know how He ever considered me special enough to deserve this man. I know I sound like a very insecure, like someone who bases her happiness on someone else, but this is not the case. I have known many girls in my life, probably more than anyone realistically should, and I was always more satisfied being single, when I was single, than anyone I knew because I knew how to make myself happy.

I just feel so truly blessed everyday that I don’t know that I will ever be able to do enough good in the world to pay The Lord back for what he has given me. I believe that He has completed me in all of his goodness by sending me this man who will love me until the end of my days. As strongly as I know that God is all mighty, I know that this man will stay by my side and continue to improve me by just being himself, as I do with him.

I can understand why you say that soul mates don’t exist because until I experienced it myself, I did not believe it either. I actually relate it to faith. Believing something exists until you see it first hand is difficult, but, like God, it’s out there. This man and I have a better relationship than any I have ever seen and while I know that all relationships are much easier in the first few years, I truly can’t imagine ever wanting to change one thing about him. Everything that others might see as an imperfection is a characteristic he possesses that strengthens me personally, in a way that probably would not have anything but a negative effect on anyone else. The same is true with my flaws.

I could go on and on but I don’t know if you will even read this. If you do, though, I really do hope what I have said is something you will take into consideration before assuring your daughters of its nonexistence. God’s love and the existence of soul mates (although they may be rare) is very much intertwined, not preclusive.

I think you are really missing out if you don’t feel like your husband completes you. I don’t see the word “soul mate” as a negative term or a sign of weakness. It is more a word attempting to describe a magical feeling of love and devotion so intense that it is impossible to describe with words alone. How sad that you think your life would have been fine without meeting your husband! It doesn’t mean that all people who refer to their soul mates were helplessly waiting around for Prince Charming. No matter how strong and independent we are, I believe that relationships are what make us human and bring true happiness. Special people of all kinds do change your life and usually we can’t know how important they are until we meet them.

I read this because a friend posted it on a Facebook feed with a strong affirmation. How you communicate with your children is purely your affair, but since you’ve opened the door to commentary by making your statements public, I feel it appropriate to respond by asking you to take caution. It’s risky to represent your own views and experience as absolute. Just because your husband is not your soul mate doesn’t mean it’s impossible for ANYONE to encounter a soul mate, and for that soul mate to be a spouse. Your experience is yours alone, and is not globally representative of love in all its forms and incarnations. Your daughters may have an entirely different experience with love than you have. They are also likely to believe what you say. Why introduce them to any concept of limitations on love based purely on one mother’s experience? Why not simply express to them that you wish for them the love that satisfies them. It seems like you have some time to think about this, so I encourage you to investigate deeper before taking this action.

I loved your article. Though I don’t agree that there’s no such thing as a soulmate, I do believe that it’s not some knight in shining armour or some fairy tale prince. I do believe it’s someone that compliments you not particularly as a lover, but in spirit. I believe it’s not always you fall in love with, or want to spend the rest of your life with, but no matter how many friends or family members you have, they are the main one you always come back to to love and care for, share secrets; like your best friend. Contrary to popular belief no matter how many best friends you have, there is only one main. That, to me is your soul mate. Male or female.
I found your article quite endearing and dead-on. I wish you and your family the best of luck in love, success, and health. 🙂

I think you could change the title to, “What someone might write if they settled for what they found, whether they realized it or not.” I don’t know if your relationship has made you throw out the notion of soulmates or perhaps your experiences have blurred your definition. You basically said what amounts to – you and your hubby are a good practical matchup. That you are alright for one another. I suppose I feel sad for you. Some people regard their spouse above any other. Above all others. No way I’d ever write some article amounting to – yeah my spouse is alright for what we do, but I’d be just fine on my own too. I suppose you don’t realize that we all love differently, to be able to blurt that you’ve found soulmates are a myth and I can’t wait till my kids are old enough so I can tell them. No, I write that my true love is the best blessing God has granted me. That though it was the harder path, I am glad I was patient and waited for the one my soul was akin to. That without her, no way I’d be ok. That I couldn’t even be paid to write any less than this about her. How sad, the people concurring with your revelation.

This has so much to say. We look for a person to make us happy or someone we can make happy. If we do this, we will live a life of feeling like a failure. I once wrote an article ” Happiness doesn’t exist “. I came to the conclusion, happiness is not a state of mine, it is a state of being, based on events in our live. No one can make another happy, except maybe temporarily during a happy event. It is seeking God’s enter Peace and receiving it that can we can find happiness with or without someone, with someone you both must have peace to find “happiness” together.

This sounds like a load feminist BS to me. Good excuse for women to cheat on their husbands and continue their whoring ways. “My husband isn’t my soulmate, that’s why I cheated on him! I’m a woman and I should be able to do whatever I want!”

That’s a great story and I agree to a certain exstint but let’s tell our daughters they can’t be President because we have no proof of it existing …. I understand your need to inform them about fairy tales but true soul mates do exist …. Why tell them something is unatainable because you think it is?

Overall, nice article, but I have to comment on something that seems to me to be a contradiction:

“In our house gender roles are the exact opposite of societal norms…I want them to figure out what works best for their world when they finally get to make their own.”

You say this, yet it seems you do have pretty strong gender norms at play, which you are probably unconsciously passing to your children, considering you talk only of your daughters marrying men. Your daughters may not wish to marry at all, or they may wish to be with a woman. These choices are also valid ways for them to make their own world that works best for them.

I LOVED this, until it became religious. Why can’t we just be happy with ourselves? Why do you talk about not needing to find a soul mate, then say that our soul mate is God?!? So the man next to me shouldn’t be expected to make me happy, but the invisible, hateful, jealous man in the sky should? Ugh. Smh.

I wouldn’t say there is “no such thing” as a soul mate because it is not for me to dictate how people have relationships and choose to identify each other within in said relationship. Having said that, I also wouldn’t push any type of mystical expectation onto anyone as to what is or makes a relationship wonderful. For me it’s that I married my best friend. My partner in crime. The guy that I tell people when I get mad at my husband or the father of my son, I always have to work things out with my friend. A gentleness and loyalty remains beyond our other roles in each others’ lives because we are very tight friends first. But that is what works for me. For us. And I wouldn’t want someone to discount that because it wouldn’t be fair to us and worse, it wouldn’t be honest to someone looking in. So though I would agree that we shouldn’t – or send our kids out – looking for some magical formula for love, I still think we should be careful to let everyone have their experience and yes – they’re version of “happily ever after.”

I married my soulmate and do not mind saying so. We have such a strong faith in God and believe that eternity is what we are living our life on earth to obtain. Neither of us our perfect, though I do think my husband hung the moon and he loves me madly, even when I’m not so much deserving. We, still after 15 years, have people tell us that “we look like we belong together”. While it’s a nice compliment what moves people to say such a thing, especially out loud for us to hear. But people whom we just meet and talk with for a bit are moved to tell us so. We are obviously happy and my sister in law tells me she likes the way we talk to each other. There are so many facets to our marriage, one made and modeled by the laws of God – I am sure that is what makes it work so well.

My husband is my soul mate. This is not an unrealistic expectation Biblically. God and Christ are my Saviors. My husband was my spiritual leader, mentor, minister, emotional and mental support. We were kindred spirits in the Lord and as the Bible said, we became one. We were innertwined and mates for life. There is NO WAY possible that I could have survived without his guidance, patience, love, and perseverence. The 32 years we had together we grew stronger and closer in the our marital relationship on so many different levels but particularly, Biblical learning and application. We shared Biblical ideas, principals, and practices. Even in death, he remains my soul mate because there is no other than can take his place in my life and fulfill the Biblical principals and expectation for husbands to love their wives and Christ loved the church. That is a deep rooted, spiritual sould connection. Likewise, women too are required to bring that same love and committment to the marriage. Together, we became one. In his death, I continue to honor him, love him, and recognize him as my soul mate because what we built together, continues to be lived out, carried on, and passed on to our children and grandchildren. Roger Wayne Powers Sr will always and forever be my soul mate and I’m looking for the day when God calls me to rejoin him and forever be with him in eternity.

Once in a while you come across a post that is so true that it just reflects your own thoughts. I myself dreamed, imagined a soul mate would come and rescue me of my horrible existence. Of course that never happened. But i am still married and i have a daughter to whom i will teach her that there is no prince charming who complete you. Your happiness is in your own hands expecting someone else to fulfill you dreams and desire to be happy is not the way to live a successful life.

Although you have many decent points in this blog, I think your secret should be kept to yourself. If I had young ones, I would want them to grow up believing in this ideal of a soul mate. A person does complete another individual regardless of our own experiences. Sometimes we are quick to deny another person happiness (unconsciously) because of our beliefs or fail attempts to understand or interpret the world wrongfully. When we think we understand something new, we wish to share that with someone else. Sometimes it is a dangerous fault because we failed to realize that what is meant to give someone happiness we embed them into despair. So keep the secret because after all it’s your secret and secrets are not always meant to be shared with the world.

I get what you are saying but i think you have the wrong idea of a soul mate. IMO a soul mate is not necessarily someone that is flawless and completes you as a whole. A soul mate is someone that you are meant to be with in every life you live. I beleive in reincarnation and that there are certain people that are with us in each and every life we live. That person does not have to be your mate. I have been told by a very respected physic that my son and I are soul mates. We have been together in every life. Maybe as son and mother, maybe as husband and wife, maybe just as friends but our souls have been together every time. I also have a very good friend and her and i were both told that we are soul mates.

I’m not going to lie – this post made me kind of sad. I’m LDS, and believe that marriage is sanctioned by God and that it lasts through eternity. I believe in eternal families and a life that extends beyond this mortal world.

Before I met my husband, I was married to my first husband and the father of my child, and I felt a void that was never filled. I used to dream about a man who would take care of me the way I needed, who loved me in the way I deserved, said the things I needed to hear, did the things I needed to have done, etc. My husband wasn’t that man. There were more things than I could sit here and list that led to the demise of our marriage, but in the end, I couldn’t keep living my life like that. Less than a month after my now-ex moved out, I met my husband – the man I know and believe with all of my heart and soul is my God-sent soul mate. He was very literally the man I had been dreaming about. I’m not talking about looks or height, or other physical traits, but he filled that void and the constant feeling that something was missing.

I want my son to grow up knowing that there is someone that God sent for him to spend all of eternity with. I want him to look for her and to not settle for anything less, and I hope the same for your girls. I hope they still believe that in some ways, there will be a Prince Charming for them. He might not have a noble steed or a castle or have to slay a dragon to win their hearts, but he will be kind and protective and loving and patient and everything they need to feel complete. I am more myself around my husband than anyone else, and he brings out things in me that I didn’t know existed. It’s an absolutely amazing feeling, and I hope that despite your attempt to squash that for others, that people find the same happiness I have.

These were my thoughts exactly, but you’ve written them out very well. I feel that I shouldn’t count on a guy to make me feel happy and complete. Being happy is a choice that we make. God makes me feel happy, because serving Him satisfies the soul, my soul; He makes me feel complete. And why would I count on someone who is as human as me to do for me what I cannot do for myself (and only God can do for me)? Like you said, being married is great, and spouses make life sweeter, but God has made life, and, thus, we’re in need of Him, and no one else. 🙂

I love that I read this and by someone who practices Christianity. (I’m Muslim.) 🙂

I have two soul mates: myself and my 3-year old daughter. So I know they exist. I never found that in a man. I never married. Never settled. We are complete and happy without a man. I don’t intend to implant any bs about what to expect from people, love or life to my child. People are unpredictable, as is life. Plus her perspective/experience will be her own, not mine. She may find a soul mate in a man, woman, dog, her own child, working with disabled people, her spiritual guide and/or most importantly, herself.

As a mom of 23 and 24 year old girls who are independent and storong, compassionate women, never once have I mentioned the word sole mate whether it be speaking about their father (whom I met at 17 and 31 years of marriage) or any other person. The sole I have is my own, does not belong to another and it know right from wrong and good from bad. I agree with Mary that no man or woman can complete another person. I know when I go to church my sole feels better. I have my doubts about my religion because I dont belive one region covers all the good thing your sole needs.
Needing someone else to make you whole is dangerous. What if they leave you? Divorce, death? Then what? Look for another solemate to help you survive? I love my husband, but that doesnt mean that I cant live without him. I get up everyday put a smile on my face and go on. Even if it is without my first born son who passed away at two. He’s in my sole.

I disagree with this article. The definition of Soul-mate is not Savior – which is what the article seems to be suggesting, that a soul mate would be a person’s completion, saving grace, etc. Soulmates aren’t saviors. They are dear friends, with deep heart to heart, spirit to spirit connection – Kindred Spirits…. There has to be incredibly open communication for soulmates to work. There will still be arguments, still be tough times, still be frustrations. But the level of connection with a soulmate goes way deeper than any other relationships. Soulmates don’t have to be your marriage partners. I’ve had a few soulmates in my life and I was married to none of them.
Please take some time to re-examine your definition of soul-mate…

This is the saddest article I’ve ever read. I also have a husband who is my partner, my best friend, my lover, my confidant, and my SOUL MATE. From the first moment we met we recognized something in each other…that “I can’t believe we only just me, it feels as if we’ve been together forever.” He is the yin to my yang, we are connected emotionally and spiritually on levels that go beyond anything I’ve ever shared with anyone except my children. We are far from perfect, we’ve had our ups and downs and struggles. And yes, he completes me. Don’t get me wrong…I was doing fine before I met him. I wasn’t looking for the whole “soul mate” ideal….but once we met we both knew. We complete each other. and we know that, when this life is over, we’ll be together in the next one, just as we’ve been together many lives before.

I think this article is ridiculous. Soulmate is what you make it. There is no cosmic God that puts two people together for the rest of their lives. If that were real divorce would never happen. That being said I don’t consider my husband just my “husband” he is my soulmate TO ME. He is my best friend and I couldn’t live without him. The way you speak about your husband is without any passion or love. You’re basically saying you can make a marriage work with ANYONE. Which just isn’t true there are specific people and specific traits we look for in people and if you find someone who works with you completely that is your soulmate. You should be encouraging your daughters to find great love which makes so many people so happy, not to settle for whoever they get along with best…

I love this article and just shared it on FB. I completely agree about the description of the perfect ‘imperfect’ relationship that helps us grow and learn to love ourselves as God intended. A thought just occurred to me though, the idea of soul mate is misconstrued. It is this ideal love that doesn’t exist, but my question is, what if our soul mate is exactly what you just described in your article? That person that helps us grow, loves us unconditionally, has to work through their own ‘stuff’. My new idea of Soul Mate is exactly what you describe. It is one that makes our soul grow and be challenged and become stronger. Sometimes our worst perceived enemies are the soul’s greatest ‘mate’ because we grow and are challenged. Peace to you in your day. Thank you for your beautiful thoughts.

What a bunch of crap! You don’t want your children to believe that fate has some “soul mate” picked out for them but you have no problem telling them that a wizard who created the universe is shaping the lives of boys and girls to be good partners. You’re a massive ignoramus and its really terrifying that people like you actually teach children. Come down off your high horse that your phony god gave you to look down on others. “Soul mate” is largely just an expression of how we feel about the partner we have chosen. Get over yourself stupid.

Goodness!!! Do you have to be rude and go on a ‘name calling’ trip to have an opinion? Wow! I want to read articles online, but gosh, how mind boggling it is to read comments where people call writers ‘stupid’ and refer to their words as ‘crap’; honestly? Please learn how to write constructively like a literate human being, in spite of your opinion about religion!

I feel sorry for those that agree with this article. I knew my husband was ‘the one’ before our first date was over and we have been together for 20 years. I also feel that God led us through some very hard paths in order for us to find eachother. I thank Him every day for bringing us together and I know my husband is the man I was meant to be with. This is not to say it has all been easy, we have been through some very dark times but I always know we will come through it with God’s help. I will never tell my daughters to settle for anything less than their ‘soul mate’. Life is too long and marriage it too hard to spend it with someone who doesn’t ‘complete’ you. How sad life must be to come home to someone you settled for instead of someone that shares your heart and soul.

I might at one time agreed with your article, but not today. I lost my husband three years ago after 16 months of battling sinus cancer. It was truly a war that he lost, but not because he chose to. During that time and the three years since this death and many reflections upon your life together, we truly were each other’s soul mates. I can and will communicate to our young that it is indeed possible to have a soulmate. I had one and miss him each and every day. Sad to say that this was only communicated and realized after his death. Yes, you can live the dream and don’t hold back and tell your soulmate every day that he/she is indeed your soulmate. ❤️

My definition would be how she actually described her relationship with her husband in it’s current state: her best friend, someone who encourages her, loves her no matter what, favorite person to talk to, etc.

So my understanding of a soul mate would mean her husband IS her soul mate. Man their picture reeks of it. Congratulations to the writer for her wonderful marriage.

I do agree that only God can truly “know” us and that we do seek something spiritual. However, God can and does show up in humans ALL THE TIME! I have a few soul mates as friends in my life and even sometimes they fall short for me but they’re human and I fall short for them too. When they do show up for me it’s the grace of God at work. 🙂

Gosh, you had me right up until the end when you had to throw in the part about God and overrule the entire premise of your story. You explained everything so brilliantly about being successful and happy and doing it on your own. YOU made things happy. YOU took control of your life. YOU don’t need someone or something else to complete you. And then you shot it all down by putting a God label on it. So close, but yet so far.

who your soul mate is usually depends on the strength of ur believe or faith.People who r highly religious wil tend to hv God s their soul mates,n those who r less religious wil have other people s their soul mates.Not evry Christian is highly religious though,meanin ther wil b christians who stil have human soul mates.a soul mate is that which without, your existence becomes meaningless.

Truthfully this is just plain stupid. I will get it out of the way now and say I do agree with the bigger picture: that there is no real “perfect match” for you out there. But everything else is just nonsense. Firstly it must be so disappointing to your significant other to basically tell them you’re tolerating them and give this idea that you forced two non-matching puzzle pieces together. If you want a relationship to last, you need to let your partner know how perfect they are for you. Secondly I think it is absolutely insane that you would even consider telling your children there is no such thing as a soulmate, even if there isn’t. You need to allow them HOPE and faith in finding something wonderful. And it is absolute irony when you bring God into the equation because that is exactly what religion is: Hope and faith in something that you cannot yet see, something you want to deprive your children of.

And on a side note, you probably shouldn’t tell your partner that all your love goes to God and that they can have the leftovers. Cause truthfully you can pray and pray all you want, but 1000 hands clasped in prayer will never get more done then two hands put to work. Your husband will put food on the table and a roof over your head. Mindlessly praying to God will not.

Saddens me to think so many people don’t believe in soul mates or led to believe that they don’t exist . I’ve yearned for mine and have felt unfulfilled most of my life and with two failed marriages to prove it. I have found my soulmate finally , and we fill each other up in ways we only just dreamed about! We both were always longing for that something . There was an emptiness a whole we both felt but we filled them up with children , school activities and settled with the partner we were with… I think that’s what most of us do, we settle because we are taught that there is no such thing as soul mates . That another person cannot fill the emptiness . My husband now is my soulmate . He is my friend and lover. The one person I go to bed thinking of every night and upon waking every morning . I crave him , his touch his smile and long to always be in his space! The best part is that he feels exactly the same as I ! I believe that is rare. That’s the difference I think. I’ve not had the type of intimacy I have wih him in my last two marriages or any relationships in my past! So do I believe in soulmates ? Yessss I do! Do we all get to experience that kind of fulfillment ? No ! And especially if we don’t believe it will ever happen . People settle because they think that a love like that is impossible but I’m here to tell you that it is possible ! It’s wonderful and passionate and fulfilling …. Doesn’t mean there won’t be struggles that’s a part of life . But seeing him walk through that door after work everyday and I still feel like a school girl , it’s the best feeling in the world!

I agree with some of the views of what the author posts. View being one must find themselves before being happy with some one else.
Why most haven’t found their soul mate? It is because they are thinking soul mate and twin flame are the same thing.
A soul mate can be your worst enemy, a lover, teacher or friend. They are there to teach you life lessons prepare you for your twin flame. When the lessons are learned from the soul mate they fade from life.
A twin flame is the other half of you. Once both halves are spritually ready then and only then will they find each other. They become a vessel of God. And will shine light and hope on this planet.
I’ve read through comments and I feel some have met their twin flames.
Soul mates do exist. But when they are confused with twin flames it seems they don’t.

Some of you on here commenting confuse me; do you REALLY think that another flawed, imperfect human person can “complete” you as a “soul mate”? This author is coming from a place of faith in Christ (a faith I share, by the way), so for those of you who are mistaken enough NOT to share in this faith, you will NEVER get it. But let me see if I can help a little bit here: If you are not a person of faith in Christ, then look at her post this way; another person can NEVER complete you, or validate you. They can NEVER make you feel as if you are good enough, or worthy enough, or smart enough, or thin enough, or healthy enough, or pretty enough. You MUST find this validation, this worthiness, within YOURSELF. Now, because you have not faith in Christ the LORD, and His Father, the Great I AM, it will be a flawed validation; however, it will still be a better validation than the one that says “Oh, my love completes me, he (she) is my all, my everything, my beginning and my end!” Seriously?!? Who would WANT to be that for someone? Do YOU? Do you REALLY want that kind of end-all, be-all responsibility for another person? Do you WANT to be ONE HUNDRED PERCENT, ALL THE TIME responsible for another person’s happiness? So what happens when YOU are in a bad mood? When YOU have lost your job, or your parent dies, or a friend dies, or you wreck your car, or your boss slams down on you at work, or you get a speeding ticket, or you get sick, or your kid is sick, or any of an infinite number of things that can happen that would make YOUR day suck, hmm? Now, remember, you are their soul mate, so YOU are COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY responsible for THEIR HAPPINESS!! So, what happens now, when YOUR mood sucks out loud? YOU have no recourse but to put YOUR whatever aside, because YOUR mood is THEIR MOOD IS YOUR MOOD IS THEIR MOOD IS YOUR MOOD IS THEIR MOOD!! Is that REALLY what you want out of your relationship? WHY? Or would you rather have a HEALTHY, MATURE give and take relationship, where each person is just that, a PERSON who works at MAKING a great relationship? You give, you take, they give, they take, depending on the needs and/or wants of each person in that relationship! When YOU have horrors, they are there for you, when THEY have horrors, you are there for them! YOU give LOVE, COMPANIONSHIP, FRIENDSHIP, and THEY give you the SAME! Sometimes you both fail at it, but YOU AND YOUR PARTNER are dedicated to picking yourselves back up and starting again! And you are BOTH free to be your REAL, AUTHENTIC selves ALL THE TIME, even when that self is not so good! And THEY LOVE YOU ANYWAY! YOU are NOT responsible for their ENTIRE WORLD, and THEY are NOT responsible for YOUR entire world! YOU ARE BOTH happy, self-reliant, semi-well-adjusted ADULTS who LOVE each other! You spend time together, but you also spend time apart, each one doing some things that make THEM happy as individuals! You, neither of you, expect the other to “complete” you; you actually are complete yourself, and you bring that completeness to the relationship, to enhance and beautify it! THAT is what some of you are NOT picking up on at the moment.

I think this is an awesome article – I would say that I do believe in “soul mates” and I think two people can be soul mates for sure – I agree with you though that you can’t go looking for someone else to “complete” you… only Spirit can do that 🙂 I love the idea of not filling young gals heads with the idea that they aren’t complete until they find their mate… I love the idea of being whole and complete and then finding a soul mate to “share” in that completeness. The Wedding Vows from Conversations with God do a really great job of sharing this perspective! 🙂 Great work!!

I feel you are entering dangerous ground if communicated in this way. Such a conversation could result in the girls “settling” later in life for someone, remembering what their mother told them about not holding out for a soulmate because they don’t exist.

I felt badly for this husband as I read this article. I think this author is mistaken in her assumption that a ‘soul mate’ is supposed to be someone that completes you. I think the idea that someone can be completed is misguided, and I think the author would agree. But the idea that you can find a near perfect soul to navigate through this life with, is not at all misguided. Notice I say near perfect. Frankly, the fact that this family has flipped their gender roles is ripe for analysis as to why she might feel her mate doesn’t ‘complete’ her. She wants to teach her daughters not to rely on anyone in their lives, fend for themselves, and not allow anyone to define them. Yeah… I get it. And they will wander… incomplete.

I agree with you! I think her definition of soulmate must be up there with santa and the tooth fairy..although I never squashed that for my kids either. I do believe in soulmates..and if she really feels the way she says she does about her husband then she has found her soulmate. Is she embarrassed to admit this?
I think we can also have many soulmates. I have a soulmate in my sister who “gets me”, and a soulmate in my husband, who, under all circumstances, stands by my side.
I found this article so sad and so untrue for myself. I certainly can’t speak for the author or others, but soulmates, like deep abiding friendships, DO exist. For those who haven’t experienced it, I’m sorry.

Wow…now I feel inadequate for actually having found a man I feel completely attached to and couldn’t live without.

We’ve introduced each other to countless new things in our 25 years, and have a wonderful son. I can honestly say my life was, well, undefined before I met him. I never knew how good life could be before meeting him, and how to just open up and enjoy it. He most definitely IS my soul mate!!! And I’m confident he’d say the exact same thing…

I completely agree with you! Reading this, I couldn’t help but think how strikingly similar the concepts you portray are to my own piece on the topic (http://teapromise.wordpress.com/2013/11/07/falling-in-love-part-1-ih/)! It’s especially humbling to know that despite our different faiths, our similar values give rise to the same ideas shared between us.

I can’t say I agree or disagree .. I know that my husband will never make me whole but in the same time I can’t compare my husband with God ,simply because my husband is my earthly bridegroom and God is my heavenly bridegroom just like you can’t eat banana mixed with rice they are completely different ..and I think “soul mate ” for me means someone who is agree with my soul more than someone who complete my soul So I’m not gonna make conclusion out of your experience because if I did that I will block God to reveal something different from you but I still believe that some people need to reed what you wrote May be because their husband is taking them away from God .. but if I’m sure that I’m loving God from all my heart I will not be afraid of my husband to be my “soul earthly mate”. .. I’m just saying I love when people give room to God to speak .. Don’t get me wrong because at least u was courage to share your experience but I’m not gonna make it a general rule

The author makes the incorrect assumption that one’s life must be wretched until they meet their soul mate, which is why she is not buying it. That premise is simply not true. There are simply some connections that occur between two people that are like no other. It isn’t a matter of looking for someone to complete you, but rather, by chance, coming across someone who you relate to in a way that is hard to compare to anything else you’ve felt. Not everyone in life meets a soul mate. Not everyone who meets a soul mate ends up with them forever. Many people end up in wonderful, supportive life partnerships that turn into amazing marriages and families with partners who they do not consider their soul mates. But to say that this kind of chemistry and connection is a fairy tale is very misguided. Rather than teach my daughters that there is no such thing as a soul mate, I would hope that one day they would have the opportunity to experience such a love, long lasting or not, in order to experience the richness that life has to offer.

Unlike most people’s comments I have read here, I found this article somewhat dissatisfying. My response was much longer than I expected, but I would urge that it is worthwhile read. I would also encourage anyone who would want to devil’s advocate to please step forward.

I do grant that the piece is both well written and that it clearly strikes accord with a great portion of the public perspective. Personally, I’m an atheist, and in order to forgo a religious debate I would like to claim upfront that I will not discuss the concept of God as everyone’s soul mate here. However, I would like to discuss passage’s main principle that you cannot have a soul mate. I am not here to argue for Romeo and Juliet, but simply propose a rational counter point to what I view as a fallacy.

Initially this debate begs for a definition of soul mate. Yet, providing an operation definition for such an abstract concept proves to harder than advertised. Its inherent ambiguity gives rise to the classical issue of perspective. If soul mates indeed exist, my potential soul mate is (in almost every likelihood) is not the same as your potential soul mate. So what defines a soul mate? And how can you have one?

Well, you could start googling. I am sure you would find many people and websites claiming many different guarantees to help you find yours. To be clear, I am not endorsing this method, because the best place to start is from within. Like in any good philosophical argument, there must be an origin to build it from the inside out. In this instance, because we are having trouble pinpointing a definition, let us choose an idea that a soul mate represents rather than a definition it. Again, this a flawed process due to perspective, but let’s attempt to pick what appears to be the most reasonable and applicable path.

(I would like to quickly point out that something does not have to be real to have a definition or be an idea. Dragons are not real, but everyone seems to have a similar idea what they are. Thus, the argument that soul mates do not exist, and therefore you cannot have an idea about them is inaccurate. )

A good place to start would be the idea Mary approached when implying that a soul mate will “complete me, fill me up, or make my world”. We can quickly see that these are idealistic claims. To put this simply, a reality where one person makes another’s entire world is a reality that few would ever want. To ground the perspective Mary is picturing, consider the idea that the ideal soul mate is the best possible reality. By this requirement if you want to define soul mate as perfection, you will never find your soul mate.

Perfection does not exists, but it is rather a human construct that is determined when we grade all experiences in our lives. By comparison it is similar to the mathematical concept of infinity. Yes, I understand the concept of one and two and I sort of understand 48.8 billion, but infinity, can we ever really understand infinity? The answer to this type of question would be that we can understand bigger or better, but not infinity or perfection.

So you are probably wondering why after all this I am telling you that your perfect soul mate does not exist? But what I am really telling you that given our original conditions that the perfect soul mate is in fact, imperfect. The “perfect” soul mate is simply just better than every other of the finite number of possible soul mates. Because we have a finite number of possible soul mates, one can define soul mate in one’s own terms and there will always be a best option for them, and thus a best soul mate.

One might then argue by the same properties as we argued before that a soul mate contains many idea within it. One could then be the idea of perfection, and thus a soul mate, by law of the excluded middle, cannot be imperfect. This is perhaps where Mary draws the idea that God must be the only soul mate, because according to many religions He is the only form of perfection. Here I simply have no response, as I am only able to work with the tools I am given.

Mainly I wrote this in the hope that if you are reading it, that you will never tell your children they have no soul mate or that there is no one out there for them. You need not crush their dreams, the world does a well enough job of that on its own. If you are someone of faith, I would hope you understand that searching for the right relationship is a test and I would not want to give anyone a reason to give up on it.

Yes! Yes! Yes! I agree with this article l00%. I am so glad that someone has broke through this unrealistic myth. There is no perfect man or woman. There is no perfect relationship that fulfills all of our desires. So many of us enter into relationships with a picture of a perfect partner that we created in our minds. When we see the imperfections of this person, we are so disappinted. Do I have imperfections? Yes. Therefore I have no right to demand my partner to be perfect for me.
No person, man or woman can complete us. I believe God who created us can and will complete us. He is the creator of our souls.

The title of this article drew me to read it out of pure curiosity. I have to say that I disagree with much of what it says though. First, full disclosure: while I was brought up in a Christian home I am not a Christian. I am not anti-Christian, I have just chosen another (very fulfilling) path. Now, while some of you may write me off here because I don’t subscribe to the same beliefs as you I hope that you will see my point. I do think that what I am going to say could be just as true for a Christian woman as it is for me.

My husband IS my soul mate, and soul mates do exist. At times my marriage is frustrating, my husband (and I) imperfect, and we frequently disappoint one another. We let the little things bog us down sometimes, and we sometimes forget to delight in the good things because we are getting caught up in silly things. But we love each other. Every day. We love each other when things are good, when things are bad, and when things are just blah. We CHOOSE to love each other every day through everything that comes our way. We CHOOSE to life each other up, to support each other and to be there for one another even when everything inside of us is screaming at us to hide.

My husband is my soul mate precisely because we are both imperfect and disappointing. Because anyone else would likely just walk away and give up when the going gets tough. He is my soul mate because even when I’m super disappointed with him I know deep down that I’d rather be disappointed with him (in the moment) than ever be with anyone else. I know that he feels the same way about me. It’s not about being “completed” by someone, it’s about finding that person who will love you through anything, and who you will love through anything. It’s about knowing that even the worst day with your soul mate is better than the best day without them in your life. If I have a daughter THIS is what I will teach her. I will tell her that she should never settle for anything less, nor should she GIVE any less in return.

i think this assumes there’s only one meaning of soulmate. not sure it’s harmful for someone to identify with another person like that…there are plenty of people out there who have ‘soulmates’ and also have healthy religious relationships. probably not worth it to make realists of the children of American just yet…let the kids dream. they can decide for themselves once they have their first heartbreak if they want to believe in soulmates or not.

The article is correct. I lost my husband of 29 years because he claimed to have found his soulmate in another woman who happened to be someone I considered a close and dear friend. Needless to say, I found out otherwise the hard way. We have three children who have also been hurt and changed by his selfish choice to be with her instead of here where he should be. As a Christian couple I never thought something like this could EVER happen in our marriage. But he had weight loss surgery, lost a lot of weight, and the whole world looked different to him. The “greener grass” on the other side could be his as she was more than willing to step in and wreck our marriage. His whole mindset and spiritual nature changed for the worse when he decided to believe that she was what was missing in his life and she was his soulmate. It sounds so ridiculous! Christians who mature in their faith should accept and rejoice in the fact that husbands and wives grow into being closer and more fully mated/matched by being partners in living out their commitment to Christ. There are a lot of things I wish I had seen and done differently, but I choose to take what I’ve learned and do better in the future.

I wish i could agree with the article, I guess someone may not be as in love with there spouse, partner or significant other as I am with my wife. You see I like to call her this and she I as it signifies our bond together its not the term that if she werent with me that it would be the end all. its just a word that describes our love and the magical feeling behind it. its poetic,romantic and does give the special meaning to love and commitment. I guess the author thinks that there is no night in shining armor or all the magical stories through out time that give all little girls the chance to dream. That is a huge part of growing up. its also what spices love and makes those moments that more special – the ones that can take your breath away. I know everyone is entitled to their opinion and I respect them even if they dont reflect my belief or feelings I am just trying to express mine as well – thank you for reading.

Good for you KM, Michelle and all the others who’s love, adoration, desire and sum total of “what they are” to you could be called by nothing less than soulmate!!!! Don’t waste your time or let an ounce of this bs – which is essentially walled-up self protective people trying to elevate their lack of what you have found or inability to enter in to it – into something better than what you have… with theological psychobabble. They’re fine though… Because as they willingly admit they are complete without the other so whatever happens their deepest parts are perfectly safe. In fact if your union is ever threatened (as I believe it will be… I personally subscribe to most of the same beliefs they likely do regarding spiritual warfare) you will find yourself envying them. However should you endure (may you, in God’s name!) they will never know and experience what you have.

Incredible to see the extent of reaction to this provocative topic! Truly indicative of the organic diversity and individualistic nature of the human mind. Could easily be someone’s thesis for their psychology masters degree. What is obvious here is the inherent need for the human species to seek validation for their own personal beliefs by casting them into a public forum like this and then waiting for someone to respond with a validating nod. The resulting discourse is useful at some level to help you discern a personal viewpoint on a topic of pop culture, but ultimately is fruitless in identifying the pure “truth” that everyone is convinced that they know about love and religion. The term “soulmate” is utterly subjective. By definition, there is no finite description or definition. It is simply a term applied as a partial descriptor of the relative depth of emotional connection one has with another human being. Nothing more, nothing less. Attempts to elevate or apply the term in absolute dimension is at a minimum short-sighted, and more likely intellectually ignorant. Some very successful marriages have an extremely integral and woven interpersonal emotional connection at multiple levels, while other wildly successful and living marriages thrive more on a contrasting emotional platform frequently described by the phrase, “opposites attract”. While one person may thrive, seek out and ultimately depend on that “soulful” connection with their spouse, others may just as frequently thrive on a more individualistic approach to spousal partnership. Every single person who has responded to this topic has a slightly different “rating” on their personally unique spousal connection continuum, with no end of the scale being universally superior to the other. As such, the original author’s topic sentence is a statement of personal fact because she used the term “my” twice. One must assume she is 100% correct in the assessment of her personal relationship with her husband. That reality works for her because she inherently comes from the individualistic side if the continuum as a result if her upbringing and DNA. As a result, please try to recognize this before making judgemental statements that you feel bad for her, or she is “missing” something in her life. Those statements only expose your narcissistic and intellectually short-sighted tendencies to expect others to share your personal beliefs and emotional dependencies, whether that be from either end of the aforementioned emotional scale. As for the religious aspect of the discussion, there are places where evangelization is more effective than in a discussion on marriage where absolute diversity in religious philosophy is, by a public forum’s nature, inherently foundational. Again, think twice about imposing your personal religious beliefs in the context of a religiously diverse forum where the core topic is marriage. If you don’t, you’re guaranteed to alienate more people than positively influence them, which at the end if the day is, by the way, completely counter-productive if you happen to be operating under a philosophy of general evangelization as a component of your faith. Moral of my story, try to live your life being more open minded to interpersonal diversity. Most people are more different than similar to you. If they weren’t, this world would be even more self destructive than it already is. Most of all, manage your expectations in life, especially when it comes to other people (ie: family and friends). End of monologue.

Nicole, Michelle, EM and all the others who have found in this life what can be termed no less than a soul mate and also those that dare to hope:

Don’t waste any of your time debating this fodder – you give credence to it by even entering in. It’s simply an attempt of those who have not found their soul mate to discredit the very notion. Don’t even feel bad for them – for by their own admission they are complete without their partner. It’s sad that some of them have transferred their pain and disillusionment into religious psychobabble – but would you rather they just suffer? Of course not… And others of them have no pain or disillusionment at all and have simply never allowed their hearts to trust or see another human so deeply. And there are others still… But none of them need to hear that they have missed something – if it ever appears (or could) they will know then.

You on the other hand have everything to loose. No sane person who has found or believes in the existence of a soul mate expects them to be perfect – or “fill a God-hole”. But those to whom I speak either have found it or are preciously wreckless enough to dare to hope – and that faith, that heart – will be brutally attacked by this world – and sickly even by those who claim to know Love personally. Believe. You know deep down. Live from that heart – even if you get hurt you will not be guilty of….

Wow! That was AWESOME!!! I am expecting a baby in February and I want to make sure that he or she knows this exact same thing. God created us to need Him, to long for Him, to BE HIS!!! Thank you so much for this post.

I get the whole “I am woman & I do not need a man to complete me thing.” I do. But I couldn’t disagree with this bull article any more. To say your husband doesn’t complete you, fill you up, or make your world is just sad. I feel sorry for her that she chose to marry some body she obviously settled for because if she really did marry her soulmate this article wouldn’t even exist, because she would understand. There is a man out there who she would absolutely feel like he completed her and was her world. And to take her bitterness of crushed dreams of her ‘one’ out on her little girls is just tragic. Why would any mother tell her children that!? To have them grow up with such negative views of true love & trust issues? If anybody will take anything from this article it is that if you don’t feel like your partner completes you in some form or another that is NOT who god intended you to be with. Yes god comes before any relationship but he also leads your life to the person he has chosen for you in a partner and wants to be an equal part in both of your lives!! And when she says her daughters still think they’re going to grow up to marry their daddy is just plain weird. I don’t know any little girls who think that. Maybe somebody like your father but not actually him. Just really strange.

I get the whole “I am woman & I do not need a man to complete me thing.” I do. But I couldn’t disagree with this bull article any more. To say your husband doesn’t complete you, fill you up, or make your world is just sad. I feel sorry for her that she chose to marry some body she obviously settled for because if she really did marry her soulmate this article wouldn’t even exist, because she would understand. There is a man out there who she would absolutely feel like he completed her and was her world. And to take her bitterness of crushed dreams of her ‘one’ out on her little girls is just tragic. Why would any mother tell her children that!? To have them grow up with such negative views of true love & trust issues? If anybody will take anything from this article it is that if you don’t feel like your partner completes you in some form or another that is NOT who god intended you to be with. Yes god comes before any relationship but he also leads your life to the person he has chosen for you in a partner and wants to be an equal part in both of your lives!! And when she says her daughters still think they’re going to grow up to marry their daddy is just plain weird. I don’t know any little girls who think that. Maybe somebody like your father but not actually him. Just really strange .

This an interesting article. For me though, it doesn’t ring true for my relationship with my wife. We met in high school, and married at ages 17 & 18. We compliment each other in ways no one else can imagine. Together we’ve raised three amazing children, traveled & lived in countries all over the globe, and are married over 52 years. We believe God made us specifically for each other and in our book, that makes us soul mates. We each have our own interests, and don’t hang on each other, but we do support each other and can’t imagine a time one without the other. In Judaism, it’s known as Besherte & Besherter, two souls joined as one, and predetermined by God. It matters not what the author and commenters believe. For my soulmate and I, we were born to be together, and one completes the other. God bless.

Hello everyone, I don’t really agree with the phrase that there are no “soulmates” My husband & I have only been married 3 years but we’ve been together as a couple for 9 years. Now he & I grew up in the same neighborhood & even became high school sweethearts & after graduation he went into the army & we both went on with our lives & reconnected 27 years later & we’ve been together ever since. Now we each feel that fate brought us back together & we feel that our love connection goes deeper that heart to heart. We think alike, we like the same things, we complete each others sentences & thoughts, we can even communicate by telepathy, I feel when something is off with him & vice versa. We mirror each other in most ways & if we mirrored each other in always we would be identical twins so in most ways we connect alike. Now I’m not saying that you have to believe in soulmates if you don’t feel it, but we do. To me soulmates are spiritually connected & are brought together by God who created man & woman to be together. As a child I was always taught that when I find true love that I would know it because everything about us as a couple would mirror each other & at that time I never understood it but I did once my husband & I got together & everything began to fall in place, we have everything in common amongst us. Now please don’t mis-understand me he & I don’t always mesh together we have disagreements & he loves sports & I love Lifetime so yes we are different. Before I go married I had 1 best friend & she knows me very well & my husband became my bestfriend as well so I’m very blessed to have 2 bestfriends. Oh by the way my husband told me that he had been in love with me since 9 grade & had been looking for me for years, he found me 27 years after he went into the army ( via the internet)

I feel sorry for anyone who thinks this way. You really are missing out. If you truly feel this way about your relationship, honey, it won’t be a fulfilled one. Just a lie you keep telling yourself to make it ‘right’ in your mind.

I am really super in love with this post. I used to be one thinking I would grow up to find my soulmate, thought I did, got married, then divorced. I then revitalized in my love for God and let him fill me the only way anyone could. I have now found a man who is the perfect match for me, and while flawed – uplifts and strengthens me.

Love the article. If you are true to “I want them to figure out what works best for their world when they finally get to make their own”, maybe you could leave more space for their future partner choices by avoiding genderizing that person already. It shouldn’t be assumed they would desire men when the time comes.

This is a spiritual, and heavenly belief, and well versed article.
In defense of soul-mates, I am of the opinion one can have an “earthly” soul-mate. Man was made in the image of God. Further, we are sons, daughters and princesses of God. As imperfect souls as we may be, we are to Love as God loves us. Imperfect souls can have imperfect soul-mates. In a lifetime, one can have more than one soul-mate, and they are not necessarily of the opposite sex. A soul-mate is not automatically a sexual partner either, more a like-minded individual, that share values and are best of friends. We have one perfect soul-mate, Our Lord and God Our Father. God Bless You.
I’m done.

This is a spiritual, and heavenly belief, and well versed article.
In defense of soul-mates, I am of the opinion one can have an “earthly” soul-mate. Man was made in the image of God. Further, we are sons, daughters and princesses of God. As imperfect souls as we may be, we are to Love as God loves us. Imperfect souls can have imperfect soul-mates. In a lifetime, one can have more than one soul-mate, and they are not necessarily of the oposite sex. A soul-mate is not automatically a sexual partner either, more a like-minded individual, that share values and are best of friends. We have one perfect soul-mate, Our Lord and God Our Father. God Bless You.
I’m done.

When I first started reading this article I balked at where I thought the direction of this was going. However as I continued to read I came upon a deeper understanding. My thought was that we can have more than one soul mate in our lives, but looking at it from the eyes of the writer I see that she is talking about a deep abiding love for her spouse that is rich and mature, while acknowledging that her life without him, although loss, would still be rich and fulfilling and that was the catalyst for changing how I view this.

Thank you for reminding us that we can be satisfied with a deep relationship in God and fulfilled even if we do not have someone in our lives. When those people do come into our lives we are simply further enhanced and fulfilled than before. We are but a small microcosm in this universe and there IS something bigger than us.

For those that mentioned religion I would have to disagree as religion is specified as Catholic, Protestant, Muslim, etc., This is simply speaking of having a spiritual relationship with a God who loves everyone regardless of their religion and in spite of their disdain for Him.

When I was in middle school, I asked my mother how she knew my father was “the right one”. I was curious to know how I would identify the perfect mate for me. I will never forget her answer, it made such a strong impression on me and gave me such power over my own life and happiness. I didn’t need to wait for this perfect man to fall out of the sky (singing Disney songs), I could go out and meet people, evaluate them and make a choice for myself. She told me that we don’t find “the one”, we make a choice. We choose the one we want to be with and every day we choose again to stay with this person. She told me that he isn’t perfect and neither is she, that their marriage wasn’t perfect, but that they worked at it and each worked to be good people to be married to.

Now I have friends who tell me that I am “lucky” to have found the husband that I did. He is a truly good man, a great father to our son. I tell them that luck had nothing to do with it. I chose him. He chose me. We work to be good people in our family. The only luck involved is that we have an amazing son together. And when he is a little older, I will tell him that there is no magical “soul mate” waiting for him, he will need to make a choice and work to be a good man worth choosing.

Williams – I hate you for your post… But I have to concede your words ring true – more reality (albeit tragic) than any of the other banter. Do you believe there is no exception? Are two souls that love each other that deeply and desperately guaranteed to not only go through pain most would never even understand (I think that’s a given) – but guaranteed to not make it? Please think hard before responding.

But, isn’t this the kind of marriage that will end in divorce? If one of them connect with another person that does ignite that strong emotional connection, where they just feel like they are finally a full person? I also thought for a few years that no one could replace my female best friend. After 7 years of marriage, I can say with the utmost confidence, that my husband is indeed the end all be all to my well being. He is my nearest, dearest, closest, absolutely ‘bestest’ friend, companion, lover and, dare I say, soulmate. We have basically loved each other since we first met….and right now, I have a love for him that I have I didn’t think existed. I have said over the years that I loved my children more than my husband….but that is all wrong. I love HIM more than my kids. And that makes us stronger, better parents, lovers and people.

Soulmates are made up and dangerous (true) but in the next breath God is great and loves your daughters? Why your daughters when he so obviously hates so many other children and goes to some lengths to make their existence miserable.

I really like that you want to instill such positive values in your children. There is definite truth that your husband or wife should not be your world, and there is in no way that you should ever expect them to complete you. It’s important to stand on your own feet, and live your own life, and have other things in your life that make you, you!

But, I would argue that those things are not the definition of a soulmate. A soulmate doesn’t complete you. They shouldn’t fill you up. And they shouldn’t make your world.

In fact, soulmates are defined even by the dictionary as “a person with whom one has a strong affinity, shared values and tastes, and often a romantic bond.” None of that suggest to me that they are supposed to be the “end-all, be-all,” nor does it specify that there is only a single person out there that is your soulmate. Additionally, soulmates don’t have to be your partner or lover for life; they could be your best friend, or sometimes, they are someone that enters into your life, teaches you something new and helps you grow, and leaves your life better off having known them even for just a short amount of time. They are someone that you connect with on a deep level, in one way or another. And in that case, I would hope that you connect deeply with your husband or wife.

The very definition of your husband’s role in your life sounds exactly what I would expect of a soulmate. He sounds like someone who you love, respect, value and trust. You have a special bond with him, and know that he understands you when you have a hard time, respects your independence, pushes and encourages your when you need it, talks and listens to you, and shares your Godly values.

So, maybe instead of teaching them that soulmates aren’t real, just explain to them what soulmates really are. Explain to them that soulmates can come in any shape and size, will sometimes come and go from your life and teach you wonderful things. Teach them that God is a very special soulmate who will stay with you for life. And please, do continue to teach them that they are strong, independent young ladies, regardless of being in or out of love. 🙂

You said in the article that you would probably still have lead a happy life even if you hadn’t met him. But what about the people who married the person who saved their lives? What about non religious people or people who couldn’t live with out someone in true reality. Some people really need a certain someone to keep them going and they choose to believe in another human being. And you don’t have to call that person their soul mate but they are someone special. And why not look for someone who completes you? Maybe you won’t find it but don’t lower your expectations because “soul mates don’t exist”. You should find the person who is perfect for you. And that doesn’t mean they are perfect. It means you can live with their flaws. So I can’t I agree with this article. I think it’s people who ruin their own relationships not a word that someone uses to describe their relationship.

Thank You For Sharing Such A Wonderful Article
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I Wished To Share It With My Four Girls
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We Carry On Regardless Of The Mistakes We Make

Thanks for posting!
I seem to be having this same conversation a lot lately with the ladies in my life. I recently made the statement to an Ecuadorian friend that my husband is my “yapa.” She laughed, but I don’t think she understood that I really meant it. Here in Ecuador “yapa” is that extra piece of fruit that the lady gives you at the Mercado(market). You pay for 12 but she will give you 13 or 14 ( more if you are a regular customer and “amiga”) and say “tu yapa.” That’s my Husband, my “yapa.” My relationship with Christ fills me completely, gives me purpose, and satisfies. My relationship with my husband is God’s yapa for me, my extra blessing from Him. I’m not saying my marriage doesn’t bring me satisfaction, it does. I love my husband and I enjoy being loved by him. After 23 years of marriage when he is away on a trip I feel like a part of me is missing; we are a team, a pretty good one too. I miss him. After all he is my best friend. He makes me laugh even when I don’t want to. He challenges me to be a better person. He encourages me and appreciates who I am. But by allowing God to be my soul mate I free my husband to be exactly who God created him to be an incredible yet imperfect man. It is what enables me to be positive and joyful even when my husband is having a bad day and is a miserable mess. The great thing is, it goes both ways. Marriage, or a spouse, doesn’t make you complete, God does. Marriage is just an extra blessing, a yapa, or as some say, “the gravy on top.”

I am completely a fervent and devoted Christian. I put God over everything in this world. I believe as a woman it is important to be strong and independent as a person, but I also believe that as an individual I am also flawed. I am so flawed to the point where I can “lean not on my own understanding.” I need support and courage in this chaotic and flawed world. I believe that this article is completely drawing the word “soul-mate” completely out of context. A soul-mate is simply just, “a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner,” ” a close friend who completely understands you,” and “A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet.” The word can mean different things to different people. I personally believe in “soul-mates.” I think this word just simply expresses the extent of your relationship with your husband. I realize why some Christians think God should be the “only soul-mate.” But there should be nothing wrong with an EARTHLY soul-mate. In none of the definitions I found expressed eternal or everlasting time frame in which the soul-mate reflected. I am personally a girl who primarily thinks most guys are “assholes” and have bad motives in general. But my intention in believing that is just to be cautious around guys, but I am not heartless. So I think that saying you don’t believe in soulmates could reflect heartlessness to some people. I am not saying I believe you will listen to me or will take what I have to say to heart, but little children especially girls have such an innocence about them they have a pure viewpoint of the world. They don’t realize people have ulterior motives to hurt them. They probably believe in becoming a princess and falling in love with their prince and “soul-mate.” So I believe it is important not to crush children’s dreams, so please if anything don’t give your children the wrong idea about men.

This concept of a soul mate is what my ex husband often pulled out as his reason for plunging headlong into a sexual addiction. He was searching for that someone to be so totally in love with him….so connected….so fulfilling and “all in” that he would be completed. He used it to rip apart a 25 year marriage and utterly destroy the lives of his children. I have always known that God alone can fill the longing of my soul…..my husband fulfilled my longing for a connection and a place to live out sacrificial love. I try to let me daughters know that no man will fill them….they need to search higher than a sinful man….a flawed human….themselves…..to find the love that will fill their soul. How cheap we make love….how trivial to tell someone to look no firther than someone who is also struggling to find wholeness and unable to do anything other than walk with us and struggle alongside us……I desire that my girls find the Living water….the Everlasting source of love and truth….the One who made them and knows them as they really are…..the Only /One who can love them in spite of their sins and the only One capable of dying and forgiving those sins.
It took me a long time to realize how damaging this concept was…..but realizing that it can be used as a wedge….something that someone can tell themselves over and over again…..in order to fulfill selfish desires…..”Oh….you just don’t love me enough….you are not my soul mate”….”You just don’t believe in a soul mate.” I finally had to realize that my strength is not in my feelings or my own ability to love another person…..my strength comes fro the God who made me and loves me completely! Then the idea of soul mate fell away and I could see what had gone wrong. (www.mybeautifullybrokenlife.com)

I know you wrote this article a while ago, but I just stumbled upon it today. It popped up on my Pinterest as a “suggested pin.” I was really disheartened by your words. I know they are extremely true words [to you] that you wrote. However, this is not everyone’s truth. As a mother of 3 (a son and twin girls) and a happily married woman, I DID marry my soulmate. I met my husband and instantly felt complete. I was 23 and just finished my Master’s degree and had a great, full life and career. I thought my life was full until I met my husband. Upon meeting him, my life quickly changed. We endured a lot in the first few years of being together that only made us stronger and validated to me even further that this man was my SOUL MATE. I left my home state, gave up my career as a psychologist, and live HAPPILY as an army wife and mother. In an instant everything changed for me and all what I once thought was essential for a full and happy life (education, career, independence, stability) truly was no longer most important to me. I would never tell my daughters to not look for a soul mate; in fact I plan to do the opposite. I want to encourage my girls to hold out for that truly special person. That person that ignites passion inside you year after year.

This blog could not be more wrong. There truly are soulmates. Just because you’re unhappy that you have not found yours yet, stop trying to bring others down out of jealousy. Yes there are several mates you could be with, but that does not make them the correct mates. There are wrong mates and there are soul mates.

I could not disagree more with this article. Who are we to say what to have hope for and what to not bother with, even if you are a parent? Children are meant to have hope, and at times, have that hope crumble before them. That is life, and that is how we as a people have grown and learned. To shelter a child from that experience is not helping them in the long run. You are not protecting them, you’re making them weak and scared. They must experience what they desire, and maybe something tragic will come from it, or perhaps something incredible will. We don’t know. No one does. That’s the point. It’s all about growing, and no one should ever keep a child from that.

Nicole, Michelle, EM and all the others who have found in this life what can be termed no less than a soul mate and also those that dare to hope:

Don’t waste any of your time debating this fodder – you give credence to it by even entering in. It’s simply an attempt of those who have not found their soul mate to discredit the very notion. Don’t even feel bad for them – for by their own admission they are complete without their partner. It’s sad that some of them have transferred their pain and disillusionment into religious psychobabble – but would you rather they just suffer? Of course not… And others of them have no pain or disillusionment at all and have simply never allowed their hearts to trust or see another human so deeply. And there are others still… But none of them need to hear that they have missed something – if it ever appears (or could) they will know then.

You on the other hand have everything to loose. No sane person who has found or believes in the existence of a soul mate expects them to be perfect – or “fill a God-hole”. But those to whom I speak either have found it or are preciously wreckless enough to dare to hope – and that faith, that heart – will be brutally attacked by this world – and sickly even by those who claim to know Love personally. Believe. You know deep down. Live from that heart – even if you get hurt you will not be guilty of….

Unlike most people’s comments I have read here, I found this article somewhat dissatisfying. My response was much longer than I expected, but I would urge that it is worthwhile read. I would also encourage anyone who would want to devil’s advocate to please step forward.

I do grant that the piece is both well written and that it clearly strikes accord with a great portion of the public perspective. Personally, I’m an atheist, and in order to forgo a religious debate I would like to claim upfront that I will not discuss the concept of God as everyone’s soul mate here. However, I would like to discuss passage’s main principle that you cannot have a soul mate. I am not here to argue for Romeo and Juliet, but simply propose a rational counter point to what I view as a fallacy.

Initially this debate begs for a definition of soul mate. Yet, providing an operation definition for such an abstract concept proves to harder than advertised. Its inherent ambiguity gives rise to the classical issue of perspective. If soul mates indeed exist, my potential soul mate is (in almost every likelihood) is not the same as your potential soul mate. So what defines a soul mate? And how can you have one?

Well, you could start googling. I am sure you would find many people and websites claiming many different guarantees to help you find yours. To be clear, I am not endorsing this method, because the best place to start is from within. Like in any good philosophical argument, there must be an origin to build it from the inside out. In this instance, because we are having trouble pinpointing a definition, let us choose an idea that a soul mate represents rather than a definition it. Again, this a flawed process due to perspective, but let’s attempt to pick what appears to be the most reasonable and applicable path.

(I would like to quickly point out that something does not have to be real to have a definition or be an idea. Dragons are not real, but everyone seems to have a similar idea what they are. Thus, the argument that soul mates do not exist, and therefore you cannot have an idea about them is inaccurate. )

A good place to start would be the idea Mary approached when implying that a soul mate will “complete me, fill me up, or make my world”. We can quickly see that these are idealistic claims. To put this simply, a reality where one person makes another’s entire world is a reality that few would ever want. To ground the perspective Mary is picturing, consider the idea that the ideal soul mate is the best possible reality. By this requirement if you want to define soul mate as perfection, you will never find your soul mate.

Perfection does not exists, but it is rather a human construct that is determined when we grade all experiences in our lives. By comparison it is similar to the mathematical concept of infinity. Yes, I understand the concept of one and two and I sort of understand 48.8 billion, but infinity, can we ever really understand infinity? The answer to this type of question would be that we can understand bigger or better, but not infinity or perfection.

So you are probably wondering why after all this I am telling you that your perfect soul mate does not exist? But what I am really telling you that given our original conditions that the perfect soul mate is in fact, imperfect. The “perfect” soul mate is simply just better than every other of the finite number of possible soul mates. Because we have a finite number of possible soul mates, one can define soul mate in one’s own terms and there will always be a best option for them, and thus a best soul mate.

One might then argue by the same properties as we argued before that a soul mate contains many idea within it. One could then be the idea of perfection, and thus a soul mate, by law of the excluded middle, cannot be imperfect. This is perhaps where Mary draws the idea that God must be the only soul mate, because according to many religions He is the only form of perfection. Here I simply have no response, as I am only able to work with the tools I am given.

Mainly I wrote this in the hope that if you are reading it, that you will never tell your children they have no soul mate or that there is no one out there for them. You need not crush their dreams, the world does a well enough job of that on its own. If you are someone of faith, I would hope you understand that searching for the right relationship is a test and I would not want to give anyone a reason to give up on it.

Mrs White, Nicole, Michelle, EM and all the others who have found in this life what can be termed no less than a soul mate and also those that dare to hope:

Don’t waste any of your time debating this fodder – you give credence to it by even entering in. It’s simply an attempt of those who have not found their soul mate to discredit the very notion. Don’t even feel bad for them – for by their own admission they are complete without their partner. It’s sad that some of them have transferred their pain and disillusionment into religious psychobabble – but would you rather they just suffer? Of course not… And others of them have no pain or disillusionment at all and have simply never allowed their hearts to trust or see another human so deeply. And there are others still… But none of them need to hear that they have missed something – if it ever appears (or could) they will know then.

You on the other hand have everything to loose. No sane person who has found or believes in the existence of a soul mate expects them to be perfect – or “fill a God-hole”. But those to whom I speak either have found it or are preciously reckless enough to dare to hope – and that faith, that heart – will be brutally attacked by this world – and sickly even by those who claim to know Love personally. Believe. You know deep down. Live from that heart – even if you get hurt you will not be guilty of….

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