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In which i have an identity crisis

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Last night I figured out that my recent moodiness (recent being the last 52 years) was probably, possibly, due to an identity crisis. The more I thought about it the more I decided that YES, that was probably it. So poor Kevin, after flying home from Minnesota last night, made the mistake of asking me “how I was doing?” by which I think he meant for me to answer “fine” but instead I launched into this long diatribe on my life, myself and several other existential topics.

Here’s the summary in case you’re interested. And if you’re not, I have no clue why you even read this blog because very frankly, it’s completely and totally about me. Even my family hates it. At any rate, my life up to now has been divided into several stages, which are as follows:

Stage 1: I was a kid! Pretty sure you all know what that means. It’s all about you and having fun.

Stage 2: I was in high school. Still kind of a kid but full of angst; I remained this way all the way through college.

Stage 3: Graduated from college and moved to New York City and got a job. Lived alone for the most part for about 4 years, was full of angst but spent much time having fun, dating and basically abusing myself in all sorts of spectacular ways.

Stage 4: I found a boyfriend who eventually I forced to marry me. Moved to New Jersey and still worked but MOSTLY for myself as a computer programmer because I kept getting fired so this stage was awesome.

Stage 5: Got pregnant and moved back to North Carolina. Had a few more kids and then life was all about them … all the fucking time. I spent my time driving, playing, cooking (occasionally), baking (a lot), doing art projects (a lot) and generally just being a mom. Then I eventually spent a lot of time driving to sports activities and watching … and watching … and did I mention watching?

Stage 6: Two kids off to college and the one that’s left here is a very independent male who needs only a constant supply of Chex Mix and dinner on occasion. He only plays one sport and he drives himself so I have a ton of time to myself.

Stage 7: Me! So what do I do now? How do I spend my time? The girls used to ask me to help them with studying occasionally or have kids over to interact with or just involve me in their day-to-day lives but talking about that stuff with Daniel is like pulling teeth. So I basically have all day to myself and I NEED to figure out what to do with me.

One of the things I’m trying to do is to find a space to sculpt in and this is proving FAR MORE DIFFICULT than you would think. Why? Because sculpting in marble is very messy and very noisy (if you use a pneumatic hammer) so I can’t just go into an artist’s studio. I’ve been looking for spaces that have light and ventilation and there aren’t that many that aren’t huge warehouses. This has been quite frustrating.

I’m also trying to clear out my studio upstairs which seems to be full of exercise equipment. If I can get that out of the way at least I can paint again.

Also, while I enjoy this blog it’s hardly fulfilling to me. I enjoy writing the posts when I’M IN THE MOOD but I hate how I get caught up in who’s reading it so I need to tone that down a bit.

I also need to get my shit together and get in shape and lose weight instead of being in self-destruct mode.

So there you are! That’s my crisis. It’s strange because when you’re really busy you just want some time and finally, when you have time you have to figure out how to fill it. I mean, I know how to fill time better than anyone but I would like to fulfill it in a way that means something to me, you know?

Just thought you’d like to know where I’m at and if not, why did you read this post?

28 Comments

Theresa

September 7, 2011

Why the rush? Are you in a hurry? Seriously Slow your ass down and things will come in their own time. You seem to be flitting here and there alot.. sit and enjoy the moment. I am not saying this too be a smart ass..I learn this lesson when I lost my son. Enjoy the quiet sometimes.

First. Sorry about your loss. I’m not good at just sitting…too much time in my head. I like to have a direction. But, I will heed your advice and just try to be. It’s never easy to just do that for me.

Yep, sometimes having too much ‘free’ time does that to you. Heck, my husband doesn’t even have that much free time, but still he’s going through some kind of a crisis at the moment. So I feel ya.

I know this might sound SO cliche, but maybe it’s time for you and hubbs to do things together again, y’know? Re-connect, re-bond, or whatever it is people call it. At least be friends again, instead of just being parents?

Because I have a feeling, the feeling you’re going through right now is like an empty feeling, restless, not that you’re sad, but you’re not exactly happy either.

But what the heck do I know, right? My marriage’s in a limbo right now, and my daughter’s only 7, and already I’m thinking, if my marriage survives, what on earth will I and Hubb do when our daughter leaves the nest?

No, that’s not what I meant at all. It’s my marriage that’s in limbo! Not yours!

Just thought that spending more time with the hubbs would be a good idea–simply because for us married people, sometimes after being parents, we just don’t spend ‘real time’ with hubbs together, y’know?

I have the perfect short term plan … come down here and hang out with my kids for a while, that will keep you busy.
Plus you will be so engaged in my dazzling company, Ian’s fabulous cooking (if he is here that is)
Ok I will cook and you can bake.
And no blogchat
:)

I so get what you are saying..I am there. So many changes have happened in my life in the last year..now I need to find me. I feel like a kid again, trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up..and as stated above in some ways I am not happy, of course not, when your whole life is turned upside down so quickly, it’s hard to get through, but it happens in time..a new identity. I am a year away from a serious operation, loss of a fourteen year job and like you all of my children are grown, four..and I finally feel like I have a direction, one that did include an Art Studio..just like you. Hoping to Freelance now since I have to start all over again, I am going to make it all about me..just like high school..no boss. Good Luck Lynn! Just keep looking for your studio and maybe a college class in art..if you can fit that in..or some other loved art..will help you get to your new destination..where your not feeling like an identity crisis is happening..I so know what you mean!!!

Welcome to the 21st century’s version of the Empty Nest. I too am in your shoes, one kid in college the other with her foot in the door.

I feel your pain and I think modern women have been bamboozeled!

Like me, you are educated (which means your brain is used to feeding on knowledge), you had a job(s) (which fed your brain), and you were independent (you only had to think about you). Becoming a mother meant putting yourself a side for say 20 years, and now you have to go figure out where you put yourself away!

I thank my lucky stars I found out about blogging because it got my brain engaged in something I never considered to be in my gray matter, and that is writing about existential things like Hollywood!

Now, I’m challanged everyday to go out of my new-found comfort zone, get blasted by strangers, and have my name used in vain. Oh what fun!

You’re on the right track, girl. Just keep us informed about your path to (and here goes the cliche!) find yourself again.

how could that be? i just took a sculpture course in California. I talk about sculpting and painting a lot! yeah, i DID get fired so much that i decided to quit working for other people

becky

September 7, 2011

I know exactly what you’re saying about time. I am a teacher and lost my job at the beginning of summer; my boss and I disagreed on just about everything. My last child started college this fall far, far away from home. At first is was good to have all that extra time. I was just thinking today that I need to get back to work or find a hobby or something because I am starting to feel twitchy.

I was in severe danger of said identity crisis until hubs sent me outntomwork like a common trollope. Now, I’m too caught up in office politics to worry about my impending empty nest. Just start your art and make like busy or you could befall the same disastrous fae and lose your free time.

Oh ladies! I feel your pain. My son is 19, he failed his first year of college and is now here at home trying to decide, who he wants to be. I am trying to make the change from Mommy to Mom. I am trying to be more, but more what, I can’t decide. I was fired from my job of 10 1/2 years, which really IS a blessing but feels so unlike one. My mentor passed away suddenly of cancer a month after I lost my job. I told my hubby that I needed to take the summer off and detox and then I would get a job in September. My plans of spending my summer at home included decluttering of the house and some minor home improvement, in reality consisted of me watching too much TV, the knitting of over 30 winter hats, a foray into baking and cooking new and exotic dishes, not mention other crafty endeavors. After a myriad of interviews and rejections I have finally landed a new job where I will be proudly worshiping my corporate masters. While I am excited about getting off of the couch and actually being productive, I am mostly scared as hell. I have never felt this way in my life about a new opportunity. I have always boldly entered into the unknown. I feel as if I’ve lost my place. My role is not being defined for me, it is now my time to define myself again, and I have no idea who I want to be. I have already realized my most important dreams. Now what?

It’s tough isn’t it? Figuring out what you want to be after all this time. I guess we all work it out eventually but it sure causes loads of anxiety.

rdb

September 11, 2011

We really need to get you on TV……….afterall, wasn’t that your ultimate goal along with this blog? Also, I really think you should write a column in the newspaper each week because I’m definitely sure that there are no writers or reporters that are half as creative as you are! Just a thought…………I mean……??!!!