Friday, July 18, 2008

All right class, we've discussed the people who don't quite seem to understand that "eight" does not sound like "a" when used on a vanity plate, and that therefore such plates as "L8DBACK" make no sense whatsoever.

We've discussed at length the fact that R.E.M. was "losing" their religion, not "loosing" it.

I believe we may completely understand how idiotic it is for TBS to show a movie with subtitles and then run advertisements for next week's shows over the top of them during the entire two hours.

We know that it's rude to talk in theaters. We don't like Madras or flip-flops in public. Rude people on the Metro will be the first ones up against the wall when revolution comes.

All well and good. But folks, you have got to start applying some of these principles on your own. We simply cannot point every single idiocy that ever occurs.

Today I'm talking about car ribbons. You know, those little magnetic ribbons that used to always be yellow and supposedly supported our troops (although I was never quite sure how... it seems to me that if the store is going to sell it for $1.29 and send 75 cents to the troops, then it would have been better just to send the $1.29 to the troops, but I digress as I so often do. Why just the other day I was digressing about prime pair numbers and... oh... sorry).

Soon everyone jumped on the bandwagon. You could get pink ribbons for breast cancer, black ribbons for MIA, red ribbons for AIDS, heck, I can't even remember them all, but there was one for every cause in a whole rainbow of colors. While I, for one, can hardly wait for the fad to be over, I can at least appreciate the one thing all these ribbons had in common: They supported a cause that vehicle's owner felt was worthwhile (with the possible exception of the multicolored one I saw once that said "Some asshole stole my support ribbon").

Today, however, on the back of a large SUV with DV (disabled veteran) plates, I saw something that made both my wife and I laugh out loud:

Now, in case you can't read that, it says "I (heart) My Rat Terrier", and there's a photo of a rat terrier at the top (the one we saw was for a Jack Russell, so it's even worse than you might have thought, apparently they're available for multiple breeds).

Apparently, it's the shape itself that is now the attraction. Doesn't matter what it's for. Doesn't have to support or commemorate anything. Not necessarily for a good cause. None of your $1.29 went to any charity. Can't have rectangular or oval magnets any more, it's the ribbon that's the real draw.

How many ways is this stupid? A lot, that's how many. First of all, the whole "ribbon" concept, as in "Tie A Yellow Ribbon 'Round The Old Oak Tree" is supposed to be an indication that we want someone to come home, right? It's been stretched a little to indicate that we'd like to see someone recover from something, or perhaps find a cure for something, but that's not that big of a stretch.

Second, isn't it cutesy and nauseating enough that people actually have bumper stickers and whatnot that say "I (heart) my this-and that"? What they need is a bumper sticker promoting sterilization that says "I (spade) my cat".

What in the hell does "I (heart) my little yippy rat dog" have to do with the ribbon shape??

This would be like having a Harley-Davidson logo with the text "Imagine Whirled Peas" under it. Complete non sequitur. You know, your basic NRA logo with the letters "WWJD" under it (actually, I sorta like that one).

God, I hope this doesn't catch on. The whole ribbon thing was just sort of starting to die down.

I'm sorry, that would have to be "I pink puffy heart gilahi-blog.blogspot.com". Otherwise, how will people find me?

And with the ones you currently have, go for it. Even though I don't particularly want a badge or bumper sticker on my car (not much of a joiner), I have no problem with people who display pride in things that are important to them. Having said that, I don't really care if your kid is an honor student nor do I think that something that's meant as a dedication to a cause should be perverted into an expression of love for one's hamster.

This reminds me of two other fads that annoyed me as much as the ribbon one.

1. "LIVESTONG" bracelets, or really, the knockoffs of "LIVESTRONG" bracelets. I totally supported people wanted to wear these hideous yellow bracelets where all proceeds went to cancer research. However, I do not support people wearing the ones you can buy in gas stations that say, for instance, "CUTIE" or "VIRGO." These are just plain annoying.

2. WWJD knockoffs. The original concept was, you know, to remind Christians who wanted to wear them to think about what Jesus would do when making everyday decisions. I can understand that. (Jesus would not be driving a BMW while talking on his cell phone and screaming at traffic in the next lane, but I digress.) Then suddenly there were 8 million different versions of those, as well.

Anyhow, down with ribbons. Back to regular bumper stickers. I do not need you to have an "I (heart) my whatever" sticker in ribbon format. That is just annoying and silly.

canary - Great minds, huh? That was long before I was blogging, and a much better post than this one. Thanks!

dixie - See, that's the problem that I have with the bracelets, ribbons and such. Pay some money and the proceeds go to one's cause. The cause would be better off if one just sent them all the money. Canary's links are great. Maybe we should have a "best of" series where oldies but goodies are recycled. As NBC said a few years back, "If you haven't seen it, it's new to you."

evil - As I mentioned to zipcode earlier, if Scooby is really important to you and you want to support him,then I think you should wear the label proudly. But I also think you should paint your vehicle like The Mystery Machine.

The ribbons are truly silly and have gotten out of hand. I do like some bumper stickers, though...my favorite is the all-purpose one that said "Save the Unborn Gay Whales in the Bay." Sometimes the combination of vanity license plate and frame is good, too. There's a guy driving around here whose license plate frame reads "US Navy, Retired"...and the plate is the Jamestown Memorial VA plate (with the sailing ship on it) and the number: ARG M8Y. That's class.

I once saw a large, menacing-looking man on a Harley wearing one of those beanie helmets. On the back of the helmet was a bumper sticker that said: "Jesus loves you. But I still want to kick your ass." Oh. How I want that sticker.

About Me

I was raised in the south starting around the middle of the last century. I am of (at least) Scottish, Irish, English and Cherokee descent. I have been told in the past that I resemble, variously, George Harrison, Alice Cooper, B.J. Thomas, and some unknown person named Bart Cohen, but now I'm just an old guy with too much hair that's well on its way to being gray. I might style myself as a curmudgeon had that term not developed certain favorable connotations which I do not feel I possess. I am quick to aggravation, but slow to out-and-out anger. My hope is that this forum will allow me to vent a little so that I don't seem like a chronic complainer to my friends.