This is going to be a big dose of my current reality. I am sitting at my desk, tears rolling down my cheeks, trying my hardest to prevent a full blown meltdown. Im not sure it’s possible to put what I am feeling into words but Im going to try. Last summer, after 4 years, 14 different surgical procedures, dozens of Doctors, and with no more options available to help me, I decided I could not, would not, continue my life this way. I was damn near catatonic. It was unusual to see me out of the house. I didn’t leave my recliner. I just watched life play out around me. I was at my absolute lowest. It seemed like the only real solution was to take all of those pills I was prescribed at once and end the pain that had stolen my life from me. Obviously, I didn’t do that but it was absolutely on my mind constantly. Having intimately felt the pain of suicide, I just could not do that to the people I love. Although I was almost entirely disengaged from life, I was, at least, still existing. It was no secret that I was on a preposterous amount of opiates. According to an opioid equivalency chart, the combination of medication I was on was the equivalent of 2+ grams of heroin per day. It was in pill form…prescribed by a medical professional…for the pain caused by a disastrous surgical complication….so that made it ok….. I am no stranger to addiction. I have experienced firsthand the devastation it causes, both from the user’s perspective and from...

Today is Wednesday December 2. That means that Thanksgiving has wrapped up and the Christmas noose is tightening. The decorations are up, the shopping is done, so it’s pretty much smooth sailing from this point, right? WRONG! The annual Thanksgiving festivities proved to be more than I could handle. Bouncing around from house to house, making sure that everyone was graced with our presence and no one was left out. I tried my hardest to find a balance and it cost me dearly. Around 10pm on Friday I started trembling, my body’s clear signal that I have overdone it and need to stop. I didnt listen, so Saturday, Sunday and Monday were spent in a pain induced catatonic state. 3 days! It took me 3 full days to recover from the hustle and bustle of Thanksgiving. With Christmas fast approaching I have to come up with a better solution. I can not sacrifice my body in an attempt to please everyone, again. I can not bounce around from house to house, visiting with the massive extended family that I have. I am in a fragile state, I can not keep up. Everyone in my life knows this. So why do they expect so much when it comes to holidays? *I am not blaming anyone but myself for the hot ass mess that was Thanksgiving. I know my body, I should have listened. Could’a, should’a, would’a…. So with only 22 days left till the Christmas celebration kickoff, I have to formulate a plan to keep me moving, to keep me sane, and most importantly, to keep the pain at a...

Living with chronic pain and illness is hard. It is physical hell and mentally exhausting. It is also extremely isolating. Chronic pain takes over your life in every possible way. Your friendships suffer because your health is unreliable. You become bitter that no one else understands what you feel, they don’t understand why you can’t go, what you can’t do. There is no real way to explain it. How can you possibly put these feelings and sensations into words? I spent quite awhile looking for a support group. There are lots of support groups for many different chronic conditions. There are not a lot of support groups for 30 year old Mothers who have had more than a dozen Frankenstein spine surgeries spinkled with episodes of MRSA. <SIGH>Maybe I was looking for something too specific. I gave up looking and just accepted that I was the only person in the world (or, at least, the immediate area), under the age of 60, that has had something even relatively similar to the freak show of procedures I have endured. No one understands what it’s like and I am not going to keep trying to explain it. And so I began to withdraw from everyone around me. I have met some truly wonderful, beautiful, amazing souls over the last few years, but the pain was winning. I accepted that this was a cold, dark, painful road and that I was basically alone. About 2 months ago, by an absolutely random set of circumstances, I met someone, in my age range, with a story that almost perfectly mirrors mine. MIND BLOWN. There they were,...

Where exactly do I start? It has been almost an entire year since I last decided to let the thoughts from my head escape through the keys on this keyboard. It seems like so much has happened, but the reality is, nothing much at all has happened. At the time of my last post, I was approximately 30 days post-op from the second spinal fusion surgery I had on 11/28/14. The hope of recovery was still high, I was determined to feel better, THIS time I was actually “fixed”. I dont think anyones bubble will be burst when I say that that has not been the case. As with my previous fusion, my body took an inordinate amount of time to heal. Regardless of who says what, I 100% believe that this is a direct result of having steroids injected directly into the sight of the injury prior to the surgeries. I have always been slow to heal, but now, my immune system, my bodies natural ability to heal itself, is pretty much non-existent. As the post-op weeks turned to months, I had to face reality – I was not getting better. Again, mirroring the first fusion, I am no better off, I have actually gotten worse. The pain has increased, my mobility decreased. It is absolutely impossible for me to find comfort. I have had to give up sleeping in the bed and spend most of my time in my recliner. Being in such debilitating pain constantly, causes a great deal of stress on your body. Since last November, I have picked up several new diagnoses with an extensive...

Today is Tuesday the 23rd day of December 2014. This morning I read several of my blog posts from last year. Whoa! I have to say, at this point last year, I was at my lowest. Hopeless, scared, facing uncertainty. I did what was required, buckled up and braced myself for the wild ride ahead. The journey has been the most effectual of my life. As my body was at the pinnacle of pain my mind was clear and calm. I can now say that I know peace. That doesnt mean Im cool, calm and collected 100% of the time, Im the Mother of 2 boys, I am entitled to a few freak out moments. In the last 12 months I have witnessed a true miracle. My Mother, whom was at deaths door, has made an astonishing recovery. There is no explanation of how or why she has come so far, there doesnt need to be. To be told that the person you know and love is never going to return but does, is such an amazing experience, no explanation is needed. She still sees a speech therapist twice a week but Pam is back! You can find her in full makeup with her hair and nails done, shopping it up, as she always has done. PamV2.0. On 11/28 I underwent another spinal fusion surgery. It was the last surgery in a trio that took place over a 6 week period. Last week, I got to see my post-op Xrays for the first time. It is almost unbelievable that a person could have that much metal in their body....

Its been 4 months since I last updated my blog. I would love to say that I have been extremely busy chasing rainbows and butterflies atop a unicorn that farts glitter, that everything is peachy perfect. That post may be on the horizon but not at this time. Over the last few months my health has continued to decline, every day is worse than the one before it. I spend most of my day going back and forth between my bed and my recliner. I dont get out of the house much, when I do I am totally and completely depleted of energy. It is something my Doctors refer to as Adrenal Fatigue. I get about 2 hours in the morning where I can actually be somewhat productive and function, the rest of the day is spent trying to recover. There have been a few instances recently when I was sure that I was at the end of the rope. That the pain, the exhaustion, the emotional baggage had finally gotten the upper hand and I would surely crumble under the immense weight of it all but I didnt. After months of appointments with absolutely no solutions, I made the decision to discontinue treatment from the surgeon who performed my fusion surgery. It was clear to everyone that something had gone horribly wrong but he refused to acknowledge that and insisted we continue to wait. I really didnt understand what it is we were waiting on until I received a letter in the mail advising that he was closing his practice as a surgeon, relocating and merging with a...

For the past 11 months and 23 days I have been emphatically anti-birthday. I absolutely refuse to turn 30. It cant really be possible that I have been on this earth for 30 years. How can that be? I dont know the answer to that but I do know that I have and no matter how hard I drag my feet May 7, 2014 will mark my 30th year here on Earth. I watched Nick turn 30 and nothing happened, nothing changed. He remained the same person he was prior to the 30 year mark. In fact, no one I know has ever instantly changed upon becoming 30. So why am I so afraid of it? As I drove around this morning I though about it. I reflected on my life, where I have been, people I have known, the different stages and hair colors. There have been really good times and some really horrible. I have seen and done so many things. When I actually stopped to think about it, being 30 isnt a bad thing at all. It actually might be a good thing. I think back to when I was 17. I remember stepping out of the shower one day and looking in the mirror. I hated the person I saw looking back at me. Even at 100 lbs I was too fat. I looked like an alien since I had shaved off my eyebrows. I had too many freckles. One of my nostrils is bigger than the other. The list went on and on. I spent my late teen years and early 20’s trying to be...

After my last post I was bombarded with questions about how/why my surgery failed. Why I am not “all fixed up” and ready to rock’n’roll. Instead of taking up 3/4 of someones facebook feed I decided this might be he more appropriate forum. I had spinal fusion surgery on 11/18. The surgery was to be the fusion + additional hardware to stabilize the renegade vertebrae. My nerves were too brittle to accommodate the cage so it was eliminated. Even though it was never actually installed the nerves were all sorts of pissed off. The first 48 hours after surgery, I was convinced I had died and gone to hell. I had not died but I was definitely in hell. Ive heard the song “Heaven Is A Place On Earth” well, so is hell. Much like the hell you are taught in church – you want to avoid it like the bubonic plague. Funny thing – I have been in pain management treatment for 3 years so I am on scary high doses of pain meds. Not a single Dr ever bothered to mention that cause of my body’s tolerance to these pain meds, the drugs the hospital would offer, would be as effective as water. I made it through the first 48 hours. I lived to tell the tale. I feel like I accomplished something most mortals can not. There was enough going outside of my little bubble of pain that required my attention and it kept me focused on getting up and out of bed. I just want to send a big Thank You to everyone who showed their...

I have been a really blag Blogger. My last post was like 2 months ago. If you look to this blog to stay up to date on the fun filled life of Jessika Carpenter – you’ve been missing a LOT! Back in November, I wrote a blog about how my life was going to change. I would have a rekindled love and new lease on life. I was going to have a surgery that was the end all , be all cure and everything would be gravy after I recovered. Ha ha ha ha. WRONG. The surgery happened, the recovery happened but the cure has not. Its funny – every time I have another surgery, I always tell myself this is THE one. It never is. It possibly might never be. A few days before surgery life threw me a curveball and tortured me with the notion that I might lose my Mom. Lose, as in, like, die. She didnt but it was a close call. Fast forward past several weeks of inconceivable pain, both physically and mentally, a little further, past Christmas. Lets stop here. By the time we were wrapping up 2013 and ringing in 2014, things had been up, down, up higher, down lower and had finally leveled off somewhere in the middle. We had adapted our life around the given circumstances. There had been so many twists and turns on this emotional roller coaster that all of us were completely drained. I say we were, we still are, but anyway, we had learned to lean on each other, none of us could have made it...

” Am I loud and clear? Or do I gotta scream like I did every day when I was a troubled teen, huh? Do you want to know my past and see every single scar and know what they mean, huh?” I listened to this song about 368 times this week. Each time t gives me goosebumps and tears well up in my eyes. I dont know what it is about THAT song but it hits hard. The last few weeks have been filled with good days , bad days and worse days. Mom is improving, this I am grateful for. She seems to have no physical damage, just mental. You can understand about 20% of what she says, the rest is just garbled up words with no meaning. She will be moving to a facility that treats and rehabs brain trauma. FUCKING BRAIN TRAUMA. Whoa. I am still not convinced that this isnt some sort of horrible nightmare that I am going to wake up from. Even though we are in Texas, it is still winter. The chilly 20-45* days are my nemesis. The pain that I was so convinced was gone has returned from its short vacation and my recently acquired, brand new, shiny, steel spine has been very vocal about its dislike of this cold weather. Imagine having a frozen flagpole shoved up your ass to your shoulder blades. As Moms recovery continues to progress, the family has still been by her side. I mentioned before that I was in no way, shape or form, prepared to lose her but I also wasnt prepared for what this...

There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.