The FilmDrunk 2013 Summer Movie Guide

Ladies and gentlemen, bros and babes of all ages, welcome to the 2013 FilmDrunk Summer Movie Guide, your exclusive, ultimate and all-around life-changing directory to the summer’s biggest action-packed blockbusters, laugh-jammed piss-your-pants comedies, tear-jerking dramas and whatever crap that Adam Sandler made. Print this out and slap it up on your fridge with those magnet letters that spell out “penis” and don’t miss out on a single film experience between now and the end of September.
You may be asking, “Hey Burnsy, why now? Why not last week when GI Joe: Retaliation came out?” Because, a-hole, the summer movie season doesn’t ever begin until Michael-f*cking-Bay says it does, and with Pain and Gain hitting theaters – nay, theatres! – this Friday, Bay is telling us that it’s time to put on our adult diapers and prepare ourselves for the *explosion sound*.
Speaking of Pain and Gain, I’m replacing last year’s fool-proof Michael Bay Washed Ferrari film rating system, because while it was as perfect as Bay’s hottest babes’ sculpted asses, it’s old and needs to be replaced, like all of Bay’s hottest babes. So this year, I’m using the “Mark Wahlberg Totally Emotional, BRO” rating system, which is even more accurate.
And because Bay’s pet tiger, El Tigre Magnifico, died last month in a chainsaw fight with Amanda Bynes, our tour guide for summer 2013 is Bay’s new bisexual pet rattlesnake, Admiral Radical Von Kaboom. Take it, away, Admiral!
(Some GIFs )The Skinny: You mean the thick, right BRO??? Pain and Gain is Michael Bay’s first foray into the rhyming title genre, and I, for one, think it’s about damn time. He could have given us Cock Rock and Bad Boys, Rad Toys, but he waited until his craft had finally matured to lock his rhyme game in with this thriller about some meatheads in the 80s taking what they think they deserve. Oh, did you not know it takes place in the past? You can tell by the Rock’s Nike tank top.Mark Wahlberg Says:

“We’re here for the gang bang.”

The Skinny: It’s post-Avengers time, and sh*t’s about to get hella dark in the Marvel Universe. We already know that the second phase of the Avengers Initiative will feature a lot of death, death and death, according to King Nerd Joss Whedon, and the trailers for Iron Man 3 have looked all sorts of gloomy for our beloved hero, Tony Stark. But he should get out of it okay, because Robert Downey Jr. is making $50 million for The Avengers sequel, so it would be pretty stupid if he’s not in it. That’d be like Thor without his thunder.Mark Wahlberg Says:

My pants are suddenly klinging on if you know what I mean.

The Skinny: The adventures of Young Captain Kirk in the lens flare universe continue, and since Spock gets to hook up with Uhura, Kirk gets Alice Eve this time around and she’s only wearing underwear, because in space, no one can hear you *points to crotch*. Also, Benedict Cumberbund or Cabbage Patch or whatever his name is shows up and he looks mean as hell. He’s shooting people and buildings and he’s like, “U.S.S. Enterprise? More like U.S.S. Enter the ocean, sucker bitches.”Mark Wahlberg Says:

“Wait, let me tell you about Jesus!”

The Skinny: Hey, remember how last time The Rock was like, “GRRRRRR I’M GONNA GET YOU, VIN DIESEL!!!”? Well now, he’s like, “Heyyyyyy Vin Diesel, sorry about all that, we should be bros now, and by the way… I need a favor.” But they could be delivering pizzas for all I care, I’m just glad that Paul Walker is on a movie screen. That guy is way too talented to work as little as he does.Mark Wahlberg Says:

Enough with the Tebowing.

The Skinny: Taking a page out of their real lives, Will Smith plays father to his actual son Jaden Smith in this story about Earth, after the apocalypse or Armageddon or whatever causes people to travel to another planet to ruin that one, too. But check it out, in this movie, Will hates his son, so he finally understands how the rest of us feel, and Jaden has to race against time and aliens to save both of their lives.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: There’s only one question about this film – Is it going to suck like the last Superman or can we finally have a good story of Kal El? So far, the trailers look like it’s going to be a good film, and Zack Snyder is a man that we can trust to deliver a good story with beautiful, shiny moving pictures. Kneel before Zod? Maybe after he buys me dinner.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Brad Pitt and Leo DiCaprio famously feuded over the rights to Max Brooks’ awesome book, and Pitt and his Plan B production company eventually won. But ever since then, it’s been nothing but bad news, and obsessive nerd types – *points to self* – have been bracing for the worst. The trailers haven’t revealed much, other than zombies that could outrun Usain Bolt, and it’s never good strategy for a potential summer blockbuster to piss off its fanbase before the first hole can be cut in the popcorn bucket. Fingers crossed.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: I feel pretty confident when I say that 100% of the people in the English-speaking world have been waiting for this film, which will surely be Channing Tatum’s first of many Oscar-winning performances. Tatum plays a police officer aspiring to be Secret Service, but after his big interview goes bad, he gets a little nugget of luck in the form of a terrorist attack on the White House. That leaves our favorite dancing playboy as the last line of defense.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: It’s the classic tale of the masked hero and his Native American sidekick, Tonto, as they take on the Old West’s villains. Except instead of a 1950s TV show, this is a Jerry-mother-f*cking-Bruckheimer film, and that’s why the trailer looks like a cross between Wild Wild West and The Legend of Zorro. But Johnny Depp has never worn a bird on his head before, and I think that should tell us just how special this film will be.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: The guy who plays Jax Teller from Sons of Anarchy brings his bro walk to the big screen as the pilot of a new type of robot that is humanity’s last line of defense against giant monsters that rise from the Pacific Ocean. You know, we’re getting a lot of last lines of defense this summer. Either way, the robots are called Jaegers, which is going to leave a lot of bros feeling misled.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Probably the most anticipated movie event of the year for 100% of the people who wrote this Summer Movie Guide. The sequel to the 2010 hit follows our heroes, including Frank Moses and Marvin Boggs, as they’re joined by some more old farts in non-stop ridiculous action adventure that doesn’t require your brains to work at all, and that’s why I love these movies.Mark Wahlberg Cedes His Opinion to Helen Mirren:The Skinny: Okay, it’s true. RIPD looks a lot like Men in Black. A lot. A LOT. But does that automatically mean that it’s going to suck? No. First of all, Men in Black is a great movie. Second, be optimistic like me and think of RIPD more as Beetlejuice meets COPS. It’ll make it a little more fun when you’re sitting there watching it and thinking, “Jesus, this is exactly like Men in Black.”Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: The purpose of this standalone X-Men character film is to let the viewer close his eyes, empty his mind and, for the love of everything sacred, pretend like X-Men Origins: Wolverine never happened. Or maybe it did, I don’t really know if this is a Rocky Balboa-type film or not, but after being forced to watch will.i.am pretend that he can act and Ryan Reynolds ruin Deadpool, I’m going to treat The Wolverine as the first of its kind.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Zack Snyder is out as director but has stuck around to produce the semi-sequel to his smash 2007 hit, 300. Rise of an Empire is directed by Noam Murro and stars Sullivan Stapleton as Themistokles, and it serves as both a sort-of-prequel and sequel to the original. Basically, this film focuses on a naval battle against Xerxes’ forces at the same time that King Leonidas and his army are off in the distance doing their thing. By land or by sea, expect a lot of rock hard abs.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Haha, it’s a tale as old as time, really. You see, mankind has destroyed Earth – looking at you, Canadians – and all of the wealthy people have moved to outerspace, where they live on a giant manmade moon, Elysium, and point and laugh at the scum still living on Earth. But the scum has had about enough of your lip, mister moneybags, and they start plotting to take down Elysium so everyone can have the precious medicine. I’m told it’s a metaphor for modern healthcare and class warfare, but I’m an ostrich with my head in the sand. It’s a shame because I’m so handsome.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: If you’re not excited about this sequel to Matthew Vaughn’s 2010 smash hit, then you need to go get your oil changed, you heartless robot bastard.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Despite the fact that Percy Jackson and the Olympians sounds like the worst Motown group ever assembled, the first film in this based-on-books-about-teenagers-who-do-crazy-stuff franchise grossed $226 million worldwide. That’s amazing considering I don’t know a single person who saw it, and I know, like, 14 people! As you can see, Sea of Monsters stars a white kid with dreadlocks, so I look forward to treating this movie like student loan default notices by ignoring it.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Vin Diesel has been talking about this third installment of the Riddick saga for a long time, which is remarkable because nobody has asked him about it. Fun fact about The Chronicles of Riddick: I saw it in a theater in Ocala, Florida because I was there for a few days with a crew that I was managing for a friend of mine who ran a construction business. The other guys decided they wanted to see a movie, which sounded fine to me, and they chose Chronicles because they knew nobody else would be there and they could smoke pot the whole time. I’m sure they’ll be excited for the sequel.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Yet another sequel to yet another 2010 film, Machete Kills once again stars Danny Trejo as the unstoppable former government agent, and this time President Charlie Sheen delivers an order for him to take down a terrorist bent on revolution, played by Mel Gibson. This movie is basically a reminder that you can do as many drugs and be as racist and sexist as you want, and you will still find work in Hollywood. God bless this crazy country.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: This one is sort of out of the realm of the summer movies, but it’s a throwback to two action genre gods. Formerly and stupidly known as The Tomb, Escape Plan is the first action film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone as the main characters. It’s sort of like that Tango and Cash sequel that I always wanted, except this one eats dinner at 4:30 and is always complaining about the price of prescription drugs.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Not only is this ensemble comedy about a broken family that has to put on an act of love at a wedding to appease the disapproving future in-laws, but it tackles the controversial topic of religion’s role in the modern marriage. A fun thing to do while you’re watching this film in a crowded theater is to lean into a stranger and whisper your thoughts on politics. Haha, people love putting their own lives on hold to chastise others!Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Well, if this Tyler Perry film is anything like his other 2013 entry, Temptation, people will be howling in the aisles. That’s because Temptation was about a bored wife who is basically raped and ends up getting HIV, because Perry wants women to know that, well, cheaters get AIDS, I think. I’m still not sure what the hell the point of Temptation was other than to guarantee Kim Kardashian a Best Bitch statue at next year’s MTV Movie Awards. Anyway, Peeples is about dealing with in-laws. How zany!Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Wait, my bad. Java Heat is still not a comedy about rival coffee shop owners who have to team up to try to put a Starbucks out of business when it moves into their smalltown neighborhood. This is an action movie about an FBI agent played by Kellan Lutz who tries to take down a new breed of international terrorist, played by Mickey Rourke. Sorry, I keep getting this mixed up with potential Ben Stiller/Vince Vaughn buddy comedies.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Alan, Phil, Stu, Leslie and Doug return for another zany adventure, as this time the Wolfpack needs to rescue Alan by capturing Leslie, because another dude wants to kill him or something. Look, I lost interest about 30 minutes into the hellish void that was The Hangover Part II. I don’t know if I was in a bad mood that day or if I was just tired, but I don’t think I laughed at Part II once. That said, I’ll still give Todd Phillips my $10, but I just won’t aim as high.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Attempting to recapture the magic that they created with the comedy classic Wedding Crashers, Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson reunite for this story about two dinosaur salesmen who somehow end up as interns at Google – probably as the result of hilarious antics – in order to prove that we still need salesmen, despite the fact that we can pretty much order anything imaginable online without ever having to speak to an actual person ever again.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: The first comedy that I’m actually looking forward to seeing, This is the End is the story of Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, James Franco, Craig Robinson, Danny McBride and Jay Baruchel, among others, playing versions of themselves as the apocalypse goes down. The friends must band together for survival in their potential final moments and hilarity presumably ensues because these guys are pretty funny.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: This is the true story of a group of friends who went around robbing pseudo-celebrities like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan because they were jealous of the party lifestyle. But along the way, they got caught up in blah blah blah Emma Watson flicks her tongue at the camera so let’s all go see this 100 times and give it all of the awards. But then, let’s not, because it puts money in Hilton’s pocket and that makes me sad.Mark Wahlberg Says:

The Skinny: I could think of a lot of ideas that are worse than Sandra Bullock basically reprising her Miss Congeniality character and teaming up with the goofball queef humor of Melissa McCarthy. Like, for example, the next film on this list. Seriously, if you think Bullock and McCarthy as FBI agents isn’t funny, then I’ll see you in just a moment.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Great. It’s the sequel to one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Just remember that spending money to see this puts David Spade an inch deeper into his latest 19-year old model girlfriend. You might as well fund an animal kill shelter.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: If you’re like me and you thought that Bridesmaids was a good film but had way too many pity party moments, Girl Most Likely might not do you much better. It’s the story of Kristen Wiig as a failed playwright coping with her career demise. The good news is that it had good receptions at some film festivals, and we also love Wiig, so let’s just assume that it will be good. After all, it’s not Grown Ups 2.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: The Millers, eh? I sure hope this comedy isn’t watered down! Thanks everyone, my hilarious American beer jokes are the reason that I’m known as the Gallagher of my house. Here’s why I think We’re the Millers will be great – Jason Sudeikis as a small-time weed dealer who has to devise a plan to smuggle a huge pot shipment. Here’s why I’m giving it the stink eye – Jennifer Aniston as a stripper. Hey, you know who else can play a stripper? Actresses who aren’t 44.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Remember how everyone was like, “Aubrey Plaza’s a drunk” or “Aubrey Plaza is having a meltdown” because she pulled a Kanye and rushed the stage at the MTV Movie Awards when Will Ferrell was accepting the award for Best Twitter Parody Account Inspiration? Well, she did it to get people talking about this film. You know what else would get people talking about this film? Telling them that it’s about Aubrey Plaza trying to have a lot of sex. I’ve already rented out two theaters and I don’t know anything else about it.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Produced by Twilight creator Stephanie Meyer, Austenland is a story about a woman who is obsessed with a character from a Jane Austen novel and she lucks out when a relative dies and leaves her a trip to a Jane Austen fantasy camp in her will. I’m not sure if I got that synopsis right, because like anything else involving Jane Austen, I gave up one sentence in and decided to wait until a nerd finished it so I could copy his work.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: The third film in the Simon Pegg/Nick Frost/Edgar Wright stable looks to be the best, which is some heavy hyperbole considering how great Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz were in their own rights. But this story of five lifelong friends reuniting for a pub crawl only to find themselves facing Armageddon should be fantastic, and I’m willing to stake my reputation as the world’s most handsome man on it. It’s legit. My mom told me so. Right after she slept with a few thousand YouTube commenters.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: On the surface, this is about a pair of co-workers (Jake Johnson and Olivia Wilde) at a beer factory who know that they’re in love with each other and should be together, but they also both already have significant others. But that’s just a silly plot issue. What’s really important about this film is that Johnson gets to play a guy who is wanted by both Wilde and Anna Kendrick. You can win every Oscar statue ever sculpted from chocolate, Daniel Day Lewis, but you will never have a role as amazing as this.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Elizabeth Banks plays a local reporter who has a one-night stand with James Marsden – something I’d watch – and has to make her way back across Los Angeles in order to interview for an anchor gig or something. What matters here, though, is that I can’t believe that there’s never been a movie called National Lampoon’s Walk of Shame before. Hell, I can’t believe there isn’t an entire series of Walk of Shame movies about sorority girls who scheme at getting back at horny frat bros. You’re slipping, straight-to-DVD softcore porn producers.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Michael Shannon stars in this true story of Richard Kuklinski, AKA The Iceman, who was one of the most notorious contract killers in history. At least, I assume he was. I’m not quite sure how career killers keep track of their profession’s history. I mean, for all I know, I could just say that I’ve killed a million people and they’d be like, “Whoa, Burnsy was the baddest killer ever” and then I’d get a lifetime achievement award at the annual Killy Awards.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Keanue Reeves stars in this story about a guy and two women who do a bunch of drugs and have a lot of sex in one day. I believe it’s what Reeves referred to as “every day of my 20s and 30s”. And yep, I believe that joke is taking us into our Easiest Joke of the Week GIF Dance Party! Oh wait, no. Sorry, I’m being told that’s not happening. Sorry, everyone.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Hey, it’s that book that you tell people that you read in high school, but you totally didn’t because you were too busy watching scrambled porn, and you swear that it was unscrambled for at least 13 seconds this time. And now the story of Gatsby stars Leonardo DiCaprio, who may actually be the Great Gatsby because he sleeps with any woman he wants and has a bajillion dollars, and has a soundtrack that features will.i.am because f*ck us, that’s why.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: On one hand, Erased marks another step toward Olga Kurylenko becoming a regular lead female character in action films that involve attractive women who need to be rescued by macho alpha males. But that’s good for her, because she’s nice to look at and deserves to be around for a while. On the other hand, Aaron Eckhart has entered the “Yes, I will accept this paycheck” part of his career and that’s good, too, because he’s cool, I guess. In conclusion, this movie was written on a dartboard full of old spy movie ideas.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: It’s like Point Break meets Robin Hood meets Magic Mike. Wait, no. Not that kind of magic. Anyway, it’s about a team of illusionists (Michael) that robs banks and then gives the money to the people in the audiences at the magic shows. It features a great cast, too, with Morgan Freeman, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fisher, Jesse Eisenberg, Michael Caine and Mark Ruffalo. But Dave Franco’s smirk is really starting to rub me the wrong way.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: This one has a bit of a 12 Monkeys vibe, with the focus being on an agent who has to infiltrate a radical environmental group that carries out “eye for an eye” attacks on major corporations. The East stars Brit Marling, Alexander Skarsgård and Ellen Page, and if it doesn’t have at least one person screaming, “This is for the koalas!” then I’m just going to wait for the DVD.Mark Wahlberg Says:

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah.

The Skinny: Oh yeah, we’ve talked about Passion before, am I right fellas? Rachel McAdams and Noomi Rapace get a little hot and heavy in this seductive thriller about a guy who goes to a movie theater by himself and tells his girlfriend that he’s totally going to see Iron Man 3 again before it leaves theaters, but he forgets to throw away the ticket stub and his girlfriend is like, “What the hell is Passion?” It was directed by Brian DePalma.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Written and directed by Nat Faxon and friend of UPROXX Jim Rash (Dean Pelton from Community), this is the duo’s follow up to The Descendants, which won them an Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay. It’s about a teenager who finds himself while working at a water park, and that teenager is played by Liam James, who also played young Shawn on Psych, which is having possibly the worst final season of any show that I’ve ever watched. Sorry, I know that’s unrelated, but it needs to be said.Mark Wahlberg Says:

“Hey girl, you should see the other guy. He’s in the hospital and would appreciate the visit.”

The Skinny: I don’t know how I feel about all of these dangerous roles for our precious Baby Goose, but I’ll take what I can get before he semi-retires like a big, old meanie face. Ryan Gosling plays a drug smuggler in Bangkok, and everything is going fine until his mom calls and is like, “Hi honey, dad and I are doing great, by the way someone killed your brother and I want you to hunt that person down and kill him. Oh and the dog has worms.”Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Our protagonist, Mark Wahlberg, returns to action as he partners with Denzel Washington in this comic book adaptation about a Naval Intelligence officer and DEA agent who are investigating each other, only to realize they’ve been set up and have to join forces to take down the mob. If anything it should inspire an SNL collaboration between Jay Pharaoh and Andy Samberg when he’s hosting later this year to promote That’s My Boy 2.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Casey Affleck and Rooney Mara star in this story of a man who escapes from prison to track down his beloved wife and the child that he’s never met, and I, for one, think this is a mockery of the American justice system. If he wants to see his wife and kid, they can make an appointment and visit him in prison just like when I was a kid and we went to see my three potential fathers.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Sadly, this is not a re-release of the 1994 classic The Getaway, starring Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, and I say classic with a wink, because boobies. Instead, this Getaway is about a man (Ethan Hawke) who must follow the orders of his wife’s kidnapper if he ever wants to see her again, and he enlists the help of a brilliant young hacker played by… Selena Gomez. Maybe file this one under fantasy.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny:Rush is the biography of Formula I racer Niki Lauda, who almost died in a terrible crash in 1976 that wasn’t like that one scene in Freejack when Emilio Estevez’s car goes flying into the overpass. Remember that movie? I really liked it, despite it being too far ahead of its time. Anyway, Lauda bounced back from his crash by challenging his rival in a race that defined their careers. In fact, kids in urban neighborhoods still talk about that classic race til this day.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: I was going to make a joke about how this festival darling from last year is based on the song of the same name by Pink, and it obviously wasn’t going to be a good joke, but it turns out that she’s in this film, so it probably was named after that. Anyway, Thanks for Sharing stars Mark Ruffalo and Gwyneth Paltrow as recovering sex addicts and if you want to make me not want to have sex, make me hang out with Gwyneth Paltrow for two hours.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Ben Affleck plays the CEO of an offshore gambling site like Bodog or something, and Justin Timberlake plays a brilliant, young gambler who epitomizes the old adage, “If you can’t beat him, join him.” So when Timberlake, who once wore an entire suit made of denim, loses all of his money to Affleck, he hunts him down and becomes his protégé. Then sh*t goes south, because it has to, otherwise the film would suck.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: This is, unfortunately, not the story of a small college fraternity that goes on a road trip to Daytona to win the $10,000 grand prize at a Spring Break dance contest sponsored by an awful Goldschlager knockoff. Instead, it’s about a bunch of stupid American travelers who are trapped in an underground nightclub in Chile after an earthquake hits and people start butchering each other, because Eli Roth is there, so that just happens.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: This psychotic thriller has been earning strong reviews at film festivals since last year, and some of us will get to see Elijah Wood scalping people soon enough. Wood, who is such a wonderfully creepy person when he needs to be, plays the owner of a mannequin shop… wait, do those exist? That sounds like a really bad business venture. Anyway, he becomes obsessed with an artist and I don’t know what else happens but there’s a picture of a girl being scalped, so that’s gross.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: People move into a house and start hearing noises. Eventually, after some snooping, one of the people finds evil spirits trapped in a room, and the entire family is butchered in a mystery that has never been solved. Years later, another family moves in and crazy sh*t starts happening again. That may not be entirely accurate, but it’s close enough and it’s generic, so I’m just going to copy and paste this each year when these movies keep popping out of the EZ-Bake Script Oven.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Too many people apparently left the theaters after watching Insidious, wondering what happens next, so Rose Byrne and Patrick Wilson are back again to figure out why their family is so f*cked up. But even if nobody cared, this sequel would still happen. It’s a horror movie with a title that ends with S, and that can be replaced by a 2 in all marketing materials. That’s the first rule of movie making, folks.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: The star-studded cast of voices in this film includes Beyonce, Jason Sudeikis, Amanda Seyfried, Steven Tyler, Colin Farrell, Aziz Ansari, Cristoph Waltz and Pitbull. That’s right the star of Bud Light Lime and Dr. Pepper commercials is bringing his patented fist-pumping to a film that’s title was pulled from a brown paper bag with “BUZZ WORDS” written on it. Anyway, a human suddenly finds herself caught in the middle of a fantastic battle for all mankind between two sides of strange creatures, and she’ll probably learn a lesson about the dangers of shopping.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Twelve years after Pixar’s smash hit Monsters Inc. brought us the story of best friends, Mike and Sulley, Monsters University takes us inside their college experience, when they weren’t friends at all. And I don’t know what this says about me, but I’m hoping there’s a scene in which a monster sorority needs to raise money with a car wash and one of the female monsters presses her 9 boobs up against a car window. That would be pretty cool.Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Steve Carell is back as the voice of Gru in the 572896586282th sequel of 2013, and while Jason Segal didn’t return as the voice of Vector for an easy paycheck, he’s replaced by Al Pacino as a brand new super villain that threatens the entire world. Gru and the Anti-Villain League band together to take down the new bad guy and teach kids an important lesson like, “Stare at the screen for two hours while daddy naps.”Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Yet another animated film with an awesome ensemble cast of voices, Turbo is the story of a snail that aspires to be the fastest of all snails. Look, I love animated films as much as the next guy who once cried at the end of The Jetsons Movie, but I think we’re hitting E on the creative fuel tank. Next, we’ll have a movie about a sloth that doesn’t want to be lazy anymore and then it’s a kangaroo that dreams of bungee jumping. When, damn it, will one of these companies buy my script about the koala bear basketball team that overcomes all odds and defeats the giraffe team at the animal Olympics?Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Katy Perry is back as the voice of Smurfette, which I guarantee led to some awkward moments when dads who took their kids to see The Smurfs in theaters in 2011 needed a few minutes before they could stand up to leave. “Take your brother to the bathroom, daddy needs to… think or something.”Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Dane Cook provides the voice of a crop duster that wants to be the fastest plane in the world, but BRO THIS ONE TIME I SPLOOGED ALL OVER MY HAND AND THIS GIRL WAS LIKE OH NO I QUEEFED AND YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU FART IT’S LIKE A DINOSAUR HAVING AN ORGASM LIKE RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRR!!! F*CKIN CRAZY, BROS!Mark Wahlberg Says:The Skinny: Anna Faris, Bill Hader, Neil Patrick Harris and Co. return for the sequel to the 2009 film inspired by the popular children’s book about a town where it rains food. God, I hope they never show these films in Africa. Cloudy 2 follows Flint Lockwood as he tries to shut down the food-animal hybrid machine, which is redundant because all animals are food!Mark Wahlberg Says:

Can you say “star-studded” and include Jason Sudeikis, Amanda Seyfried and Pitbull”? Shouldn’t it be “Beyonce, Christoph Waltz, what’s left of Steven Tyler, plus a bunch of moderately well-known celebrities that you’ve probably at least heard of at some point”?

Just as I know that Gore-Al never claimed to have invented the Internet, I know for a fact that Wall-E Smith never said “Earff” in Independence Day. And yet here I am, calling his new cinepotistic masterpiece After Earff. #ironic