Sunday, November 25, 2007

Worst. Movie. Ever: Afghan Knights.

If by reading this you pass on "Afghan Knights" my mission in life is complete.

Warning: Spoilers. A soldier living in the US is recruited to go back to where they fought and get someone out of the country. Having left one of his crew behind in an earlier war, he agrees. The movie starts out with some seemingly unrelated and poorly weaved but realistic footage of war action, along with some really out of place slaughtering of what must be some kind of monks, and oh wait, there's Genghis Khan. Okay, back to some biker dudes in Reno drinking beer. Before that, one of them having extreme hallucinations with faces popping through walls and people stalking him, resulting in more drinking and firing shots into the ceiling. It's in this state that the guy is asked to go back to Afghanistan.

Failed attempts to be talked out of it, blah blah.

A little trouble at the border at night, well it's not really a border, someone must have known they were coming. One of their party opens fire rather than negotiating. Mess is left, only border guys die.

Target found living underground in what appears to be a lavish lifestyle. Reluctantly he follows his emancipators but has too much crap and too many wives. So he has one shot and takes the other one, only to treat her abusively most of the time.

Can't go back the way they came, what with leaving the bodies and all. Will have to go over the mountains into the next country up there.

Potty break: hm, near a cave, where earlier somewhere we saw what seemed unrelated footage of a boy, a man and a female ghost. They come across a dead boy and a charred man and no ghost. Potty guy, a British dude non one trusts, hangs out near cave entrance while someone else stumbles upon the bodies. Oh what's this! The mountain is crumbling, they're being fired upon. Quick! Into the mountain that seems to be crumbling! Oh no, they're trapped! And who was that woman in white that ran back into the cave? Could we see through her?

Oh look who is there: the guy they left behind! But we find out he's evil! One by one the team is slaughtered, including the guy they were paid to free, although since he was mean to his wife we don't really care. I think the Brit maybe gets it too, but he seems to be the one who got him into this mess so we really don't care. But I can't remember if he gets it or not. The evil dude who was left behind doesn't trust the one who recruited the gang. He thinks it was a set up and he was left behind the first time on purpose.

So now we're chasing ghosts and people are spontaneously combusting and having their livers eaten. Left-behind dude can speak the local language and freaks out the woman saying really scary things. But she can't speak English to tell the other guy what evil guy is saying. With just a few of them left they try to escape the cave.

Our hallucinating hero is shown battling Ghengis Khan with a sword against two armed warriors on white horses. But is he really just standing there slashing at himself? Did HE eat the liver of the gay guy? It shows him eating the liver. Did he burn up the wife-beater? It shows him throwing a flaming blanket over him. When these things first happen we see it as the spirit of Ghengis Khan wants us to see it, that ghosts are doing it. Oh and that boy, who was dead outside the cave, he makes an appearance too. He kills somebody. Or did he?

Final confrontation: It's been at least 24 hours since there's been any contact with their coordinator, who has been shagging some horny prostitute for hours on end back in the camp. When his superior gets wind of the lack of communication he freaks out and demands a rescue. They locate the jeeps by GPS and send aid. Helicopters find them and lower a rope down a high opening in the ceiling of the cave. Meanwhile the dude that was left behind tells the hallucinating rescuer that he has found all this power by accepting the spirit of Ghengis Khan through some dollar-store spear. He said everything was planned for him to come and join him; from the hallucinations, all this thoughts, and those murders of his crew? They were tests, and he passed every single one! Won't he join him and accept the power!

He agrees, and the left behind guy holds up a spear. By the power of the spear he can become one of them! And live in a musty cave! He quickly grabs the spear and breaks it, and the left-behind guy seems to have his life sucked out of him. But not enough not to put the rope around his body and have him lifted out of the cave. Maybe he's not really dead. Everyone is out now, at least all the live ones, and the organizer is there with a couple choppers. The woman is smiling. Everyone will be okay and oh well the whole point of the mission died, but the leader doesn't care about the money now anyway. But hey back in the cave are the prized spears of Ghengis Kahn, and by now we figure that was the REAL purpose of the mission, because they'd be worth millions. The leader tells the whore-shagging coordinator that they're right down that hole, so he jumps down, and the leader pulls the rope up. We see the coordinator look up at the rope, but his attention is distracted by a female ghost running away from him.