The 50 Worst States in America

All of those A's you've been giving yourselves seem to add up to general malaise, from C to shining C—and that's with grade inflation. Clearly, you're cherrypicking your data and juking the stats. Which is why GQ took a true accounting of firsts (Louisiana: #1 in Syphilis!) and worsts (nobody does debt like Califor-ny-yay!), and ranked the states according to one common, leveling criterion: Shittiness. We proudly present, in order, the fifty worst states in America.

50. Massachusetts

Home to some of the slimmest, best-educated and least-trigger-happy hobbits on earth, Massachusetts markets itself as a Shire-like idyll, where the peaceloving thin-telligentsia walk around happily not-shooting each other. All of which makes them easier targets: If you live here, you WILL be hit in the head with a battery. S'right, Frodo: you're gonna need every penny of that candyassed RomneyCare. Do you like apples, Massachusetts? DO YOU LIKE APPLES?

Photo: via flickr.com/wm_archiv

49. Minnesota

The average Minnesotan seems to get more regular ercise than the average American... because the average Minnesotan burns about six billion calories just scraping the ice off his windshield every morning. Despite soul-killing winters and the constantly audible drone of Garrison Keillor in the background, the Gopher State consistently tops lists of most desirable places to live. Course, Minnesotans also get more colonoscopies than the average American, once again proving the axiom: No matter where you live, someone's always up your ass.

Photo: Mark Sauer/Mesabi Daily News/AP

48. New Hampshire

With its low population density, good schools, and 'Live Free or Die" spirit, The Granite State (like Minnesota) is often mentioned as one of the "Best Places to Live in America." But New Hampshire ranks near the bottom in church attendance. And almost half of the population refuses to say for certain there's a god. So enjoy those White Mountains and gorgeous lakes: This Heathen Eden is just begging for a smiting.

Photo: via flickr.com/jcbwalsh

47. Wisconsin

Wisconsin loves beer! The state ranks respectably in binge drinking, heavy drinking, and casual drinking, all of which are strongly-suggested palliatives for living in Wisconsin. After they're soused, Wisconsonites can then take to the roads and benefit from remarkably lax drunk driving laws. Of course, everyone knows it's basically impossible to walk toe-to-toe while you're wearing a giant hunk of foam cheese on your head.

Photo: Paul Spinelli/AP

46. Hawaii

After you're done marveling at those black-sand beaches, note that your pasta salad costs $15 and tastes like black sand: Hawaii depends on crummy, expensive, imported food. It's also the preferred destination for vacationing Japanese fighter planes, tsunamis and secret Kenyan infant-operatives. The native population had it right when they made "aloha" mean "hello" and "goodbye": They were keeping their options open.

Photo: Courtesy of ABC

45. Montana

Montana is one of the whitest states. With the reddest pavement: More motor vehicle accidents happen here (per miles driven) than anywhere else. It's like that movie, Crash—if that movie had been about how white people can only meet other white people by literally crashing into each other. And then bleeding to death on the highway.

Photo: Mike Vogt/ The Press-Tribune/AP

44. Pennsylvania

Why did the Amish choose Pennsylvania? Maybe because it makes barn-raising and noodle-pressing look infinitely preferable to modern life. Not to suggest that the Keystone State is "modern": With the collapse of Big Steel, PA's principle exports are puke, Taser videos, and Arlen Specter. (Two of these are courtesy of Phillies Nation, widely considered one of the country's most barbaric fan cultures.) It's enough to make you get in your buggy and drive til the horse keels over (or gets vomited on by a Phillies fan).

Photo: Hunter Martin/Getty Images

43. Connecticut

Lieberman and Lyme Disease: Two great reasons to avoid Connecticut. (And that's just the L's!) Its manufacturing heyday long behind it (with the exception of some porky military contracts), Connecticut now mostly exports shysters: P.T. Barnum, George W. Bush, Benedict Arnold and AIG's notorious Financial Products division all hail from The Nutmeg State, where the egregious wealth gap is... hang on a second... the Nutmeg State? That's the best they can do? Fuck this place.

Photo: Alex Wong/Getty Images

42. Maine

More than half of The Pine Tree State is pretty much just pine trees: over fifty percent of Maine is designated Unorganized Territory with no local government control. Which means if you can lure Stephen King there from his Bangor bunker, you can hit him with your van and probably get away with it. Also, Maine's #1 cuisine is basically a giant oceanic cockroach. It's peasant food!

Photo: via flickr.com/naotakem

41. Oregon

Anyone who's ever used an Apple IIe knows that a trip to Oregon means cholera, broken axles, and your on drowning in the river. A century later, Oregon still sucks. Though now you're more likely to be plagued by asthma and meth addicts. But just like in the game, the best thing you can do is stock up on ammunition...and use it on yourself.

40. Illinois

Illinois grows corrupt pols the way some states grow corn: No fewer than six governors have been charged with crimes, either during their administrations or after. (The most recent member of this not-so-exclusive club is fame-hungry Stephen King impersonator Rod Blagojevich.) Oh yes: Illinois also grows corn—and, more important, corn subsidies. How else would it pay its bookie?

Photo: Scott Harrison/Retna Ltd.

39. Colorado

Colorado is unfairly portrayed by South Park: The actual state is much worse. Besides being home to the world's worst beer (Coors) and the world's most aggro evangelicals (James Dobson's Focus on the Family), the Centennial State is also a great place to be struck by lightning and catch West Nile virus, both of which happen here with alarming frequency. Luckily, Colorado also contains the highest peaks in the Rockies, if you're looking for a quick exit.

Photo: Ed Andrieski/AP

38. Vermont

Everyone knows that Americans hate France and pity Canada. Well, Vermont has the worst of both: French Canadians, who make up nearly ten percent of the population. In 2008, an economist called Vermont's Francophile economy "stagnant," and predicted it would continue to be that way for the next 30 years. How very European! Ben Jerry's can celebrate with a new flavor—"Fudge Swirl Econo-yummy Crash."

Photo: via flickr.com/gretag

37. Iowa

Some believe a tiny group of white people rule the world. Others know it, having attended the Iowa caucuses. Corn and kingmaking are Iowa's two major pastimes, though it's developed a strong sideline in relentlessly dreary fiction via the Iowa Writers' Workshop. Kevin Costner famously answered Ray Liotta's question—"Hey, is this heaven?"—with "No, it's Iowa." If Liotta'd been smart, he would've turned around and headed right back into his ghost corn.

Photo: Everett Collection

36. Washington

Besides rain and Microsoft, The Evergreen State is really only known for two things: tossed salad and scrambled eggs. But Frasier has left the building (and it was never actually filmed in Seattle). So....rain and Microsoft. long suicide sigh Do you hear the blues a-callin'?

Photo: via flickr.com/TechFlash

35. Utah

Almost seventy percent of Utah's population belongs to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But they're also the nation's largest consumer of paid pornography. Yes, while the rest of the country is guiltily streaming Internet porn for free, these masturbating Mormons are righteously shelling out hard-earned cash for theirs. Because it's just like Brigham Young said, "Honest hearts produce honest actions." And frictions.

Photo: via flickr.com/cpstorm

34. South Dakota

South Dakotans like their mountains with giant faces blasted into the sides and their faces with giant meth-holes blasted into the sides. But there's hope for the Mount Rushmore State: Thanks to "rural flight," most South Dakotans are moving to the cities. There's cocaine in the cities!

Photo: via flickr.com/serenesilence

33. Idaho

Idaho furnishes a fourth of America's potatoes and most of our "barrel cheese." And thanks to one brave man, the state also supplies the lion's share of our nation's gross sexual hypocrisy: Its staunchly anti-gay senator, Larry Craig, was caught in an airport bathroom soliciting gay sex (allegedly). No one can agree on what "Idaho" actually means. It might be a Shoshone word meaning "gem of the mountains." Or it might just mean "America's Gloryhole."

Photo: Charles Dharapak/AP

32. Arkansas

Arkansas didn't declare an official possessive form of its own name until 2007—due, we suspect, to lack of demand: It's got nuthin'. Except litter. Arkansas was recently ranked one of the worst states for removing litter from highways and has an above-average fatality rate for litter-related vehicle accidents. But don't blame the trash on the road: It's just trying to get out of Arkansas. Some of it's gotten as far as the Oval Office.

31. Wyoming

Wyoming was a pioneer in women's suffrage... but only so there would be enough voting citizens to meet the population requirement for statehood. These days, The Equality State still has the nation's smallest population. It also ranks high in suicides per capita. Women, right!? Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. Literally.

Photo: via flickr.com/auvet

30. Kentucky

The Bluegrass State ranks near the top in white lynchings, so... yeah, it's got a branding problem. Which is why the state changed its logo and slogan: "It's That Friendly" became "Unbridled Spirit." But Kentucky is still Kentucky, and lovers of bourbon, bluegrass, chicken and horseracing should be advised that all of these items can be obtained without actually visiting.

Photo: via flickr.com/vambo25

29. Indiana

Remember: They named the dog Indiana. Apropos, because this state's a bit of a woofer. The Hoosier State is known for... uh... well, for Hoosiers, which is a movie about people who peaked in high school. Apropos-er, since so many people there don't have college degrees. To paraphrase the state's most famous college non-graduate, Indianans "wanna be startin' somethin'." They just don't wanna be finishin' it.

Photo: Everett Collection

28. North Carolina

North Carolina turned blue in the last presidential election, but it was probably from asphyxiation and heart disease: A whole lot of cigarettes are still made in Tarheel country and Krispy Kreme doughnuts were born there—so while James Taylor may be going to Carolina in his mind, there's a statistically significant chance that Carolina's going straight to your arteries and lungs. As for your nostrils, the eastern third of the state is practically awash in pig feces. Foul? Absolutely. But after Coach K's through working the refs, they'll be ready to declare this glorified hog-wallow the Best Place to Live in America.

Photo: via flickr.com/picturepurrfect685

27. Georgia

During the housing bubble, a lot of folks put their money on a midnight train to Georgia, apparently ignoring that key "one-way ticket" lyric. C'mon, who's gonna swindle you in a state so sweet and simple the governor prays for rain on TV? God finally delivered scattered showers, but He also brought recession: Georgia ended up with a startlingly high proportion of busted banks—one in five. Maybe it's time to burn it again, this time for the insurance money.

Photo: Rich Addicks/Atlanta Journal-Constitution/AP

26. Delaware

Wanna stash some untad cash? Switzerland too flashy for you? Try Delaware, A.K.A. America's mattress, recently ranked first in financial secrecy by the Tax Justice Network. (Lumbourg and Switzerland came in second and third.) Yes, The Biden State is a shifty little dickens: It didn't even free its slaves until forced to by the 13th Amendment in 1865. But seriously, if Delaware still had slaves now, would anyone notice?

Photo: Getty Images

25. Maryland

Maryland's a McDLT of misery: You've got Wire-style urban blight on the eastern shore, and Deliverance-style Appalachian poverty in the west, partitioned by styrofoam suburbia. All of this, plus some of the highest AIDS and homicide rates in the country? No, no, Maryland, you're too generous! On the other hand, there's this bitchin' rest stop, just outside of Delaware. Hell of a Roy Rogers they got in there. Check it out. Then keep driving.

Photo: Courtesy of HBO

24. North Dakota

Never the sexiest of states, the upper Dakota must really feel castrated now: One of its only notable attractions, the KVLY-TV tower, recently lost the distinction as earth's tallest man-made structure to the Burj Khalifa skyscraper in Dubai. Cheer up, North Dakota: You've still got beets. Lots and lots of beets. The ladies love 'em!

Photo: via flickr.com/yourdon

23. Virginia

Virginia's making history... up! This former capital of the Confederacy recently distributed elementary school textbooks claiming that thousands of black soldiers fought for Johnny Reb. (Most historians, ahem, disagree.) But there's good news: Virginia's Confederate History Month—soon to be renamed "Civil War in Virginia Month"—is now for everyone!

Photo: via flickr.com/emry

22. Missouri

The original Missouri Compromise was a deal to split the difference on slavery. Today's Missouri Compromise is slightly different: If you can't decide between drinking and boating, then Missouri's the place for you—it's replete with alcohol-related recreational boat accidents, thanks largely to the Lake of the Ozarks and the enduring popularity of Busch. In Missouri, this is considered an honorable death, not unlike the seaborne Viking funerals of old.

Photo: via flickr.com/xpi3_b

21. New Mexico

The Land of Enchantment may be beautiful, but it's got an ugly drug-trafficking problem. And though the state has been successful using tax incentives to woo Hollywood productions (which, let's face it, probably don't help curb the drugs), New Mexico still has one of the nation's highest poverty rates. But citizens don't mind. Who needs fancy stuff like food when you can mingle with the cast of Wild Hogs?

Photo: Courtesy of Touchstone Pictures

20. Tennessee

One of Tennessee's major cities recently flooded and the national media barely acknowledged it. Maybe that's because the Volunteer State is the birthplace of three of the most controversial and despised man-made inventions of all time: the Ku Klux Klan, the atomic bomb, and country music.

Photo: Gary Tramontina/AP

19. Kansas

Kansas is one of the slowest-growing states in the union. Maybe it's this very lack of forward progress that contributes to the Kansan hatred of evolution, as a concept: The state has twice attempted to mandate the teaching of Intelligent Design, a theory that suggests Kansas' deadly EF5 tornadoes—the most intense in the country—are just the Maker's way of trying to urge people to get the fuck out of Kansas.

Photo: Getty Images

18. New Jersey

Perennial punchline, New Jersey, claims to house more scientists and engineers per square mile than anywhere else in the world. Yet not one of these brainiacs has been able to stop cancer: The Garden State has one of the highest prostate cancer rates in the nation. Even worse than cancer, practically every "movie" Kevin Smith has ever "written" has been set in Jersey.

Photo: Everett Collection

17. Nebraska

During the Healthcare Debate last year, Senator Ben Nelson attempted to secure a statewide Medicaid expansion Nebraskans wouldn't have to pay for (the infamous "Cornhusker Kickback"). Seems shocking—until you realize Nebraska ranks near the top in farm subsidies and is the home of CliffsNotes, the ultimate tool in "getting something for nothing." Confused? OK: Here's the CliffsNotes version of Nebraska: Corn. Handouts. Football. Skip.

Photo: Bill Clark/Roll Call/Getty Images

16. Rhode Island

People in Rhode Island love to get high. The country's smallest state is #1 in illicit drug use. That's why there's an effort afoot to shorten Rhode Island's ridiculously long official name from "State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations" to simply "Lindsay Lohan."

Photo: via flickr.com/lesk

15. Oklahoma

"O-o-o-o-klahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain!" And where there are more women in prison (per capita) than in any other state! Yes, in the slightly less technicolor, non-Rodgers Hammerstein version of the Sooner State, a "surrey with the fringe on top" is women's-prison slang for an act we can't begin to describe in this family magazine. And don't even ask what a "Trail of Tears" is...

Photo: Getty Images

14. South Carolina

South Carolina has its priorities in order: Facing trailer-park poverty, violent crime and historic racial tensions, the state's politicians studiously ignore all these issues and focus instead on churning out jokes for late-night comedians. Headliners at the SC political improv include: a rheumy-eyed south-of-the-border philanderer (outgoing Gov. Mark Sanford), a governor-elect (Indian-American Nikki Haley) called a "raghead" by a party colleague, and that classic act, the late jungle-fever-segregationist (Strom Thurmond). That's just the Republicans: The Dems accidentally nominated a seemingly brain-damaged sex-pervert for Senate. The good news is, there's no more debate over which flag SC oughta fly over the Capitol: The good ol' "Stars and Tards."

Photo: Davis Turner/Getty Images

13. Alabama

Alabama, which gave the world George Wallace, racially-polarized schoolhouse doors, and several hit songs containing the word "Alabama," has a thriving air and space industry. Its noble goal: To one day launch Alabama into space. Scientists say this will give national stats on education and poverty a noticeable bump up.

Photo: George Rose/Getty Images

12. Louisiana

Don't be dazzled by the oil spill, the hurricanes, or the mindblowing poverty: Louisiana also leads the nation in syphilis! Yep, it's hard to pick just one trademark disaster in the Big Diseasy. But just because God clearly hates the Pelican State, that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. You're welcome to sample this "Doom Gumbo" in person (they could use the tourism bucks). Or you could just dip into all those back-Tivoed Tremes you've been avoiding. But wouldn't you rather just watch CSI: Anywhere Else?

Photo: Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images

11. New York

You have a 1-in-10-million chance of dying in a terrorist attack. Unless you live in New York. Terrorists hate New York. Maybe it's because the outgoing governor is a blind, scandal-ridden adulterer. Or because the governor before him resigned after liaisons with prostitutes. Or maybe it's because New York is near the top in religion-related hate crimes. Or...maybe they've just seen American Idiot on Broadway. That show is clearly a preemptive attack.

Photo: Dennis Van Tine/Retna Ltd.

10. Florida

The stripper-strewn Sunshine State lives up to its dong-like contour with some of the nation's highest rates of sexually transmitted disease. It's also contracted a bad case of real-estate foreclosures and continues to battle those chronic voting irregularities. Which is why other states have been trying to get Florida into "a home" for years. But it stubbornly insists on waiting for rising sea levels to take it.

Photo: via flickr.com/bunnygoth

9. West Virginia

Forty-two percent of the senior citizens in West Virginia are missing ALL their teeth. Forty-two percent! Couple that factoid with their #1 ranking in diabetes rates and the Mountain State looks like an ongoing experiment in the ill effects of high-fructose corn syrup. Hypothesis: It makes you really, really fat. And toothless.

Forbes named Cleveland 2010's "Most Miserable City in America." And as if that's not bad enough — Canton, Akron, Toledo, and Youngstown are all in the top 20. No wonder so many Ohio cities are suffering from negative population growth. People are fleeing for opportunities elsewhere. Average, hardworking people. Like LeBron James.

Photo: via flickr.com/michellebflickr

6. Alaska

Fiercely independent Alaska is first in federal spending and, of course, first in general freeze-your-balls-off-ness. (It holds the record for the lowest recorded temperature in the U.S., -80 degrees F—just three degrees above the temperature of nasty Katie Couric's heart.) But these are mere facts. And, thanks to its most celebrated native-daughter, Alaska is also "Last in Facts."

Photo: Mike Lynaugh/Retna Ltd.

5. Nevada

Nevada has some of the highest unemployment and foreclosure rates in the country. So that whole "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" motto? It's a bunch of bullshit. The Silver State's massive financial problems helped torpedo the whole fucking economy. Of course, that's what we expect from a state full of matrimonially-challenged, gambling-addicted legal prostitutes.

Photo: via flickr.com/sovietuk

4. Texas

First in the nation in ecutions, prison-rape, petroleum consumption, coal consumption, and natural gas consumption. Near the top in suicides. Last place in child health. And on top of all that, they don't even really want to be a state. Long live the Republic of Texas! Secede now! We won't stop you.

Photo: via flickr.com/jayjayp

3. California

In California, you can have it all: earthquakes, wildfires, blackouts, drought, water-theft, Olympian excess amidst Appalachian poverty, budget shortfalls the size of small countries' GDPs, and political theater that makes Italy look as sober as the Bundestag. Despite hopeful predictions and hundreds of disaster movies (which Californians call "best case scenarios"), the state still hasn't fallen into the ocean—but only because they'd have to put it to a referendum first.

Photo: Courtesy of Sony Pictures

2. Mississippi

Holy madre de Cristo, where to begin? Mississippi is our fattest and poorest state. On the other hand, it leads the nation in lynchings and ranks second in infant death. So. Yeah. Mississippi is widely believed by many not to be a state at all, but an especially despondent Faulknerian run-on sentence that everyone quit trying to comprehend a long time ago.

Photo: via flickr.com/naslrogues

1. Arizona

Of course it's Arizona. The Grand Canyon State has always been famous for its giant holes, but only recently have they started standing up for themselves. And, fuck-a-doodle-doo, what a stand they're making: A shocking new law instructs beat cops to question anyone who seems illegal, implicitly threatening deportation if they can't produce proof of citizenship on the spot. Embattled Senator John McCain—tacking desperately ever-rightward, past Archie Bunker on his way to Nazi bunker—conjures images of a postapocalyptic wasteland overrun by drug cartels and illegal immigrants wreaking Frogger-style carnage on the highways. Meanwhile, some of his constituents, legions of leathery, orange-tinted whitefolk, exult in their state-sanctioned right to concealed weapons and unconcealed racism, and call for full militarization of their border. And we, of marginally-better non-Arizona America, second that call: Let's absofuckinglutely militarize the Arizona border. On all sides. No one gets in or out. And if we need their goddamned iced-tea that badly, shit, we'll slant-drill from Utah.

The 50 Worst States in America

American States, like Americans themselves, are fond of trumpeting their superlatives. To hear them tell it, they're all first in something: Corn growth, coal production, giant-est giant-ball-of-twine, blah, blah, blah. But something's not adding up, States: If you're all so great, how come the country's giving off the distinct odor of failure?

All of those A's you've been giving yourselves seem to add up to general malaise, from C to shining C—and that's with grade inflation. Clearly, you're cherrypicking your data and juking the stats. Which is why GQ took a true accounting of firsts (Louisiana: #1 in Syphilis!) and worsts (nobody does debt like Califor-ny-yay!), and ranked the states according to one common, leveling criterion: Shittiness. We proudly present, in order, the fifty worst states in America.