What Women Really Want

Men, it's really very simple: our deepest desire is to be loved. Here's how to do it.

Like men, women certainly want admiration and respect, but our deepest desire is to be loved. As the Chazon Ish, a prominent rabbi of the last century, wrote, "A woman's nature is to find favor in her husband's eyes." A woman's nature may also be to run big corporations -- I'm not suggesting anything limiting or demeaning -- only that love and accolades from our partner is what nourishes and sustains us and our marriages.

We may want our husbands to appreciate the clever way we negotiated that last deal or the creative way we redecorated the living room, but love trumps all. We'll forgive many minor transgressions if we have that sense of being treasured, of being cared for. And conversely, nothing is more devastating than the suspicion that we have forfeited our husband's good will.

Is there any limit to the amount of reassurance a woman needs? The wise husband knows that the answer is no.

Men may think "Didn't I tell her yesterday that I loved her?" "Didn't I take her out for our anniversary?" "Is there any limit to the amount of reassurance a woman needs?"

The wise husband knows that the answer is no.
And the smallest oversight can lead to vulnerability and insecurity. A friend of mine in a wonderful marriage shared this silly but illuminating story with me. Her husband always behaves in a very chivalrous manner and walks around and opens the car door for her. Does she need him to? Certainly not. Does she even always like it when he does? Not really.

But the other night when he didn't…she reminded herself that he was tired. He pointed out that the door was already unlocked. She focused on the fact that they were desperately escaping a house full of over-excited and unusually demanding children. Yet she was still hurt and felt threatened. She still had to talk it over with her husband and be reminded that it wasn't a commentary on her marriage or her husband's feelings for her. And as trivial as that story may sound, I know she's not alone. I know she's more typical than not.

That's why Rabbi Aaron Feldman writes in his book, The River, The Kettle and The Bird, "It is unconscionable to give her even the slightest grounds for this suspicion."

Moving beyond this negative injunction, men need to constantly express and demonstrate their love.

How?

Through gratitude. "Thank you for dinner." "Thank you for watching the kids." "Thank you for paying the bills." "Thank you for being there for me." "Thank you for brightening up my day."

Through praise. "That was a delicious dessert." "I like how you decorated the living room." "Our children are a real credit to you." "You handled that situation at work very diplomatically."

Through care and consideration. No matter how accomplished we are, no matter how many tasks we can accomplish on our own, we like to have someone taking care of us, looking out for us, (dare I say) protecting us. I don't need my husband to kill bugs for me (although I do prefer he handle the occasional rodent who mistakes our home for his!) but I do like him to assuage my fears and anxieties (call me wimp or call me honest) and I know I'm not alone. When Yaakov fears war with his brother Esau, he places his wives and children in a safer position near the back of the group. His wives are the mothers of the whole Jewish people. They've shaped who we are today. They had characters that we admire and attempt to emulate. And they took the protected position in the back.

Through really listening. There is nothing more frustrating than talking to your husband and feeling like he is a million miles away. Whether at the office or at the breakfast table, men have to make the effort to refocus when their wives are speaking. If it was an important business contact, you'd refocus pretty quickly; your wife is your most important contact of all. I used to repeat myself over and over until I finally got a response. I've learned to say it once and then ask immediately for feedback, "Did you hear that idea or should I say it again?" Women want to be seen (and complimented on how they look) and desperately need to be heard.

Through clear words and eye contact: "I love you."

And through physical affection.

An aspect of feeling loved is feeling desired. It's Marriage 101 that if your wife asks you if she looks fat, the answer is ALWAYS no. Even if she's expecting triplets! There is NO mitzvah of honesty in this situation. But more than that, while "You don't look fat" is certainly better than "You could use to lose a few pounds," "You always look beautiful to me" is best of all. "No matter what you weigh, I'll always find you attractive" is also good. And don't stop there. "I like the way that dress looks on you." "Those are great colors." "That's a good style for you." Even an appreciative smile goes a long way.

Because a woman's desire is to be loved, criticism can be overwhelming. It's hard for women to be objective and see a piece of "helpful advice" as one small part of a generally loving picture.

For most wives, one piece of criticism from their husbands makes them feel like the rug has been pulled out from under them.

For most wives, one piece of criticism from their husbands makes them feel like the rug has been pulled out from under them, like their foundation is shaken. If a small lack of attention makes a woman feel that her marriage is at risk, how much more so a harsh, critical word?

Some husbands think it's their job to help their wives grow through constant, constructive criticism. Wrong. Not only will your wife not grow, she will be destroyed and your marriage will be too.

Once in a while (my husband hasn't found one yet!) there is a situation that needs to be addressed. It must be handled with love, gentleness and caring, and more love, gentleness and caring in order for a woman to hear the issue and be able to respond appropriately.

What do women really want? King Arthur of Camelot sums up the Torah position nicely. After he expresses his frustration that all his learning at the feet of the greatest magician, Merlin, hasn't taught him anything about marriage, the king sings, "The way to handle a woman is to love her, simply love her, merely love her, love her, love her."

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 58

(54)
Anonymous,
November 26, 2012 8:57 AM

lost

what do women really want out of life?

(53)
abiola,
October 28, 2012 9:36 PM

every time

Love

(52)
Richard,
February 5, 2012 9:21 PM

Men and women fear different fundamental issues in their lives

Men have a significant fear of failure. Women have a significant fear of alienation and abandonment. If you speak with a syntax that promotes that fear (pushing buttons for sure) you will not arrive at a constructive, healthy communication. The same is true for actions and body language. Criticizing a man can lead him to feel that you are calling him a failure. (not much worse than that). Telling a women she doesn't meet your expectations suggests you are thinking of leaving her for something else (whether that's real or not).
So, learn to convey your sentiments in a supportive way that does not push these buttons unique to each gender. That's not saying "Don't say anything". But, in fact, if you can convey fundamental love and support of your partner in non-verbal ways, then spend more time doing that, than worrying about always trying to correct the "way" you say things.

(51)
jackie,
October 5, 2011 8:58 PM

love covers all faults and makes a person kind to the one that they love

Its not that women can't take criticism. It's how men tend to explain, they are cruel, not understanding and come off as though " If you were more like me, you wouldn't have any problem because i know everything and life is perfect for me.

WBOTB,
July 1, 2012 12:47 PM

So true

I was in a relationship where his criticism made me feel like I needed to be on the defense.

james,
January 21, 2013 1:14 AM

completely agree

I've noticed and caught myself a couple times being in the offensive position of this situation, I can't stand certain things and I have a problem expecting what I would expect of myself. Out of my girlfriend. It's not fair to her for me to have these expectations, especially when I myself find difficulty in sticking to some of these expectations.

(50)
Anna,
July 28, 2011 10:08 PM

Not entirely accurate

I don't need any of the above. All I need is for a man to respect the fact that I might not be there to make him dinner everyday, and that I want to have a career and a fulfilling public life.

(49)
Anonymous,
May 6, 2011 12:25 PM

have you got this article and the one about "what men really need" translated in hebrew? I'd love to know.
I really enjoyed them

(48)
Josh,
March 18, 2011 4:40 AM

Talk about double standards!

I dont understand this at all. You are basically saying women cant handle criticism so no matter how flawed our wives are we cant say anything because they cant handle criticism. So where does that leave men who are married to imperfect wives?!
If women are so unable to handle criticism and a husband isnt allowed to criticize his wife dont you think that maybe someone should be educating women on how to not do the many things they do that annoy their husbands?!
This article really doesn't leave men with a lot of options....You can love your wife to pieces but if shes running up insane shopping bills or getting parking tickets a few times a month and you cant say anything its going to affect the love dont you think so???
At least please provide some practical advice for men on how to get the message across to their wives that they are doing something that needs to change.

Celtacia,
November 22, 2011 1:25 PM

So you are perfect, then. Try this, too......;.

JOSH: Try this on for size.
I dont understand this at all. You are basically saying men can't handle criticism so no matter how flawed our husbands are we can't say anything because they can't handle criticism. So where does that leave women who are married to imperfect husbands?! If men are so unable to handle criticism and a wife isn't allowed to criticize her husband don't you think that maybe someone should be educating men on how to not do the many things they do that annoy their wives?! This article really doesn't leave women with a lot of options....You can love your husband to pieces but if he's running up insane shopping bills or getting parking tickets a few times a month and you can't say anything its going to affect the love, don't you think so??? At least please provide some practical advice for women on how to get the message across to their husbands that they are doing something that needs to change.
By the way, men shop and park badly too. The things they buy and the places they park badly are the only significant difference. Men usually buy more guns and electronics, and park in front of bars, diners, and on dirt roads for hunting.

Anonymous,
July 1, 2012 12:54 PM

Really?

That's not what this article is about. It's not saying you can't tell her that she's going to make you both go broke if she keeps that up. Common sense.

(47)
G.E,
March 22, 2010 1:59 AM

FACINATING

IT`S COMPATABILITY. EVERYONE SHOULD JUST BE THEMSELVES AND IF YOU CAN`T DO THAT? THEN IT MAYBE TIME TO MOVE ON.
BE MORE CONFIDENT IN YOUR SELVES, "YOU CAN GET IT IF YOU REALLY WANT IT!"

(46)
Clark,
March 5, 2010 5:29 PM

Too Much Work - Grow Up

Being married now for almost 30 years and the woman you describe is an immature, insecure bundle of hormones. Talk about high maintenance!

(45)
Charles,
January 21, 2010 2:11 AM

Thank you for this insightful article.its an eyeopener and much appreciated.once again please keep on posting the advice.it is needed in this world we live in.thanks

(44)
TROY,
January 20, 2010 3:56 PM

Women Want Everything

When women say they want to be deeply loved they mean that they want you to give them everything they want; even when it doesn't make any sense at all. They want everything and they want you to give it to them without them doing any work. Women do not understand work and have an extremely poor work ethic. They want you to spoil them and that's what they mean when they say they want to be deeply loved. They want you to fuel their fun, you to do all the work, and they reap in all the fruits and benefits. They want all the benefits but want you to have all the responsibility of providing them with those benefits. Beware when you tell a woman you love her. Make sure you are clear on her meaning of love. When she is willing to do the work and receive the PROPER credit for the work she puts in, THEN and ONLY THEN does she mean LOVE is it's heavenly and true sense. Because now she is being realistic, logical, and fair. Then she has displayed that her mind is not warped from the STUPID: Soap Opera's, romance novels, fairy tales, other unrealistic non-sense. THEN you can see that the world inside her head is matching reality. THEN and only then can she find real LOVE and not her WARPED version. Only Women that are realistic should be LOVED

(43)
agui,
August 1, 2009 2:23 AM

As men, how do we deal with the wife asking for an opinion when she asks on wether she has a few x-tra pounds and our answer is "i love you no matter how you look". However, what do we do as men when the question keeps coming up to the point where we cannot take the same question over and over until we decide to be honest and use tact and let them know that "YES, YOU HAVE GAINED WEIGHT AND YOU NEED TO LOSE IT". Once this is brought up, the issues begin. Attitude, feelings are hurt, and yet, we tried so hard to avoid the issue but it gets to a point where we as men can no longer take it and the truth sets us free. We love you all no matter how you look. We know that as the years go by it is difficult for both men and women to get rid off the x-tra pounds. we don't ask of you to look as you did when you were a hottie. However, look decent and get rid of a few of the x-tra pounds

(42)
Anonymous,
May 29, 2009 11:15 AM

what if she is fat?

What if the wife IS fat (me) and he hates it and he tells you that and you want to change but something holds me back every time, why don't I have that desire like alot of women do, that they want to please their husband by how they look? I am a smart, not lazy, attractive ( could be more, if thinner) for a quite heavy person. Any suggestions. We have been married 25 yrs., and intimacy has never been great and it all stems from my body. We have 3 great, beautiful kids- grown now, we have a pretty good relationship in general, but I think this affects all areas to some degree. He is very frustrated & I think going through a mid life crisis. We are not getting any younger & I guess I never thought that you had to have a great body to have a good physical realtionship with your husband if you love each other, but I am learning I am wrong & that I should of taken care of this long ago, it's not too late, but I guess I just feel I am less of a person, & unaccepted. I don't want this to stop me from trying to change, i know it would be best to be thinner & healthier for LOTS of reasons! Just curious to see what others think.

(41)
Michael,
March 9, 2009 10:57 PM

what woman want

I think a woman wants to be treated like she is the only one in the world you care or think about, because they are all speciale and deserve everything a reel man can do.

(40)
Jeffrey,
January 27, 2009 10:15 AM

Thank you for the reminder!

I have been very supportive of my wife moving up the ladder in corporate America. However, that move up has come with a price. Her commitment to her job has left me out in the cold. I have only recently realized this as being a problem that we both share. I have been pulling away from her as she is pulled away from me to the point that we just recently said to eachother that I am lonely. I know that we are desprately in love with each other but we have both fallen into the trap of neglecting each other. Thank you for this reminder.

(39)
Anonymous,
January 25, 2009 2:57 PM

I just finished reading this article, and believe it or not, I am crying. I don't remember the last time my husband gave me a compliment about anything, or the last time he even spoke to me nicely. Every day there's another criticism, another complaint. I wish that m husband would talk nicely to me - tell me he loves me, that I look nice, that I'm doing a good job with our kids. I wish that he wouldn't be so selfish and expect compliments and thanks for anything he does (which isn't very much other than go out to work). Most of all, I wish he would even read this article and some of the other brilliant articles I've been reading about marriage here, but he won't because according to him, everything that goes wrong is my bad.
I'm pleased I read such an article to know that I'm not expecting too much of my husband to show me that he loves me. Thank you for writing this article!

(38)
JL,
January 18, 2009 1:56 PM

I am replying to anonymous #34. I am the same way as your wife. I think hormones cause problems once in awhile for women making it not as easy to blow off the stupidity of mankind. It's unfortunate. My husband and I have been together for 22 years and I hate him today and will love him tomorrow. Same comment probably from him. This is why I despise weddings and cry because the people geting married will usually not make it or just stay together because it's too hard to leave. Thanks for listening from a very happy woman one month to I hate you the next month.

(37)
Anonymous,
January 8, 2009 2:15 AM

it good teaching us all this thruogh you i think marriages will come back to life

(36)
Anonymous,
August 6, 2008 12:41 PM

love

A woman must first learn to love herself before she can fully except the love of another, tragically very few woman learn to do this thus denying themselves external unconditional love. And, as this article clearly states, if you can't except criticisms and grow from them it is no wonder few woman find this in their lives. It is much easier to blame others than to look into ones own sole.

(35)
Anonymous,
August 6, 2008 12:21 PM

I agree - partially as well

I agree with comment (2). Furthermore I find the above commentary to have a lot of truth and fiction to it. Woman are very unpredictable and the formula for happiness seems to change, sometimes minute by minute. I also, through my many years of observation, find most woman incredibly selfish, self centered, narcissistic including low self worth and self esteem and generally unhappy under almost any condition of marriage. Men I find to be very rigid either as the steady nice guy or the steady jerk, but the nice guy is the nice guy and the jerk is the jerk. It's right there for you, take it or leave it. I have tried everything to make my wife happy and after 17 years it has come down to a swinging pendulum. Sometimes she is so happy she is bouncing around the house singing, the next month she is discussed with everything and everyone, mostly me!

(34)
Anonymous,
May 26, 2008 1:45 AM

I agree - partially

Most relationships will benefit from the men in them moving in the direction you suggest, however, the woman you describe is just plain neurotic and emotionally dependent. A strong adult relationship needs a dose of honesty and reality occasionally. If it can''t handle it, it is not a real relationship.

(33)
Anonymous,
May 25, 2008 9:14 PM

Re: What women want

That''s how teachers teach...yes, I am a teacher, I use constructive criticism to teach...that''s how businesses run...agreed, I have just started a business and constructive criticism is necessary, but husbands are neither the wives'' teachers nor their bosses at a business. The relationship is different. As for your list of faults, that is your perspective. I can give a list of faults as far as we women are concerned about men, but that would be petty.

(32)
maartenhoogesteger,
January 20, 2008 6:04 PM

what women want

Interesting artical. Your general drift has been confirm by other women I have spoken to. But my question is why are women so sensitive about constructive critism. CC happens out in the wide world daily. Its how humans constantly improve (or amend) their performs. The Bible says "as iron sharpens iron so man sharpens man". Constructive critism is how business function, how teachers teach, and how improvments are made, why then do wives think they are above critism. They are certainly NOT perfect. Lets list a few of their imperfections1) PMS (not their fault, althought there are medicines to fix the problem)but very difficult to put up with>2)Vanity3)Frivolous4)Pedantic5)Illogical6)Over sensitive7) World's greatest actors8)Scheming and kenivingThat will do.

(31)
h williams,
October 6, 2007 9:22 AM

role reversal

I have done all the right things the article calls for a husband to do, and more. My fiance is a clone for the bad husband. When I show her this article, she will not acknowledge her faults - The point of the article in her eyes is - my constant criticism.

I complement her at once a day- I had totell her, because it is automatic - butI asked "when was the last time you gaveme a complement?"

SHE COULDN'T REMEMBER!!!

(30)
Anonymous,
August 15, 2007 11:19 PM

What women really want

I read your article with interest. As the husband of a wife who can not take the slightest, best meant critism without screaming, hurling insults, stamping her foot and totally loosing it I have a point of view that may give grounds for some debate. You say "For most wives, one piece of criticism from their husbands makes them feel like the rug has been pulled out from under them, like their foundation is shaken. If a small lack of attention makes a woman feel that her marriage is at risk, how much more so a harsh, critical word?" That means that wives should never be criticised. What kind of world do women live in? If no critisism can be tolerated then nothing can be discussed, no comment can be made, no attention drawn to a fault which could easily be corrected. With me it has got to the point that I can not open any discussion. Either she will totally clam up, or totaly explode. There is no "in between", no meeting of minds, no rational discourse, no drawing together after examination of the facts and the airing of opinion. The rerason, I believe, is simple; she hates to loose an argument. She cant win intellectually so she can only hurl insults and generall cause a scene. Is that adult or purile, mature or childish, sane or insane???

(29)
MacNeith,
May 25, 2007 12:22 PM

Mostly true

Yes, this article is mostly true for most women. My comment is regarding Mr. Gidon Opert from 5/10/2004. Spouses should not feel OBLIGATED to make the other happy. It should be a desire of love to make the other happy.

(28)
Dheeraj Bansal,
May 12, 2007 3:00 PM

Very true

This article seems to be very true. Myself not yet married, will find it helpful in coping with my spouse in the married life and will prepare me better for the forthcoming life.

(27)
Paulette Leskowat,
February 26, 2007 8:12 AM

What a blessing your What Men Really Want

WOW! This is an area where God has really been working in my heart. How true I am seeing everything you said, I think I'm getting a little better understanding. Thank you so much for sharing this much needed information. I've printed a copy for under my pillow.

Blessings,

Paulette Leskowat

(26)
Shirley Zimberg,
February 7, 2007 4:03 PM

Important to remember and practice

(25)
Anonymous,
February 6, 2007 6:59 PM

What Women really Want

Dear Mrs.Braverman,I really enjoyed your article. Under the legal as well as psychological points of view I think you reached the core of a spouse and motherÂ´s feelings.Your sentences:"Thank you for being there for me." "Thank you for brightening up my day." say it all.

Thank you so much! Shalom and LÂ´Chayim!

(24)
Malka Bando,
February 4, 2007 1:20 PM

Excellent, always timely and practically presented.

The articles you provide are always interesting and have relativity to today.

(23)
Eric,
February 1, 2007 7:10 PM

nice and true, but a load

I read this and I thought, ya know, I do all that... and the problem I see, is that women don't follow a two way street. They are so sensitive, yet they expect their words and actions to NOT affect men in the same manner that they (women) react. Its silly how its so onesided and we (men) are supposed to be psychic. Communication goes a long way... and all too often we (men) get nothing... at least those of us that are able... and yeah... its like women are never satisfied... if you do this, then she wants that, if you stop doing that, then she wants it again...

(22)
James,
December 31, 2006 6:52 PM

How to love my wife

your thoughts were insightfull and helpfull,however to fufill all that you outlined, for me and from what I know about men is quite idealistic.Thank you for helping me understand how my wife thinks.

(21)
bob,
May 4, 2006 12:00 AM

Really

Well the basic premise might be true. After, of course, the woman finds someone who is built like a greek god, makes a 6 figure income, is desirable by all her friends, is sensative yet macho, is funny and witty, is dark and tall and handsome. Then of course he has to love her above everthing else in the world. The reason women are never satisfied is because no man can live up to what they want.

(20)
Anonymous,
February 9, 2006 12:00 AM

Funny...almost everything on this website describes what men want from women (especially the part pertaining to nagging)

(19)
Sheri Williams,
December 1, 2005 12:00 AM

Loved the article on what women really want

The article was to the point, and so many men are conditional in their love, but the woman has to be unconditional at all times. Last time I checked the Bible it said we are all created equal.

(18)
Anonymous,
August 31, 2005 12:00 AM

Perfection

This article effectively explained the underlying feelings women sometimes have difficulty expressing outloud. I think ALL men should read this article.

Get this word out and understood and marriages would be restored all over the world, along with womens confidence.

(17)
Matt,
June 16, 2004 12:00 AM

Not the way it is.

While the article is nice, I find that the author goes out of her way to point out that women like big responsibilities (i.e. Running Corporations, etc.)
My wife and I both discussed what we wanted out of life before we got married. I am a very traditional man. I wanted a stay at home mom, a loving wife and a good cook. I can hear the scowls now.
At first my wife was a little shocked that I felt this way, but after thinking about it she decided that she wanted to be a stay at home mom. I leave home and work every day to earn money. We don't have as much money as many two income households, but we are complimented by our friends and family every day about what a sacrifice we are making. Sacrifice I say, I see it as a great benefit. My wife and I know what our responsibilties are to each other. We don't need to compete with each other to make ourselves feel needed or loved.
I tell my wife all of the time that her meals are delicious and that she does a wonderful job taking care our our three children. I am also very quick to correct people that say she does not have a job and just sits at home.
I think that a lot of the problems with todays marriages is that people do not dicuss these things in advance. This leads to tension and needing all of this fluff. My wife and I both agree that there are some roles where men and women should and should not be.
I do not look well at women in the military in combat roles, as street cops, etc. It is not the social culture that we want to teach our kids. I am very happy when I get home and the house is clean, kids are clean, etc. I let me wife know this all the time and tell her that I am very happy with her. This is very satisfying to her.
Sometimes I think that many women bite off more than they can or want to chew. The "I have to conqur the mans world" or "I can do anything a man can do" mentatlity is, in my opinion, destructive.
Men will always want to try and "fix" a problem. That is our nature. If you say you are tired then we will ask, what do you need done. The woman is actually looking for a compliment that she has done a good job and that she is appreciated.
Enough with my rambling.

(16)
Regbro,
June 13, 2004 12:00 AM

It's easy for a women to argue what a women want and is also very easy to think it is simple for the man to deliver. And it is under good circumstances. What I mean by that is, this is a two way street. You can't think it's that easy for a man to show this abundant amount of love when he is not getting respect. See! in the bible it talks about men loving there wives and women are to respect their husbands. If you have a wife that is constantly disrespectful to you, then what do you do? You know, a man may still love his wife dearly but this type of attitude from her makes it very hard to do all of the wonderful and so called simple things, for his his wife. With all of that said, men need things too. There is a point when a man can get beaten down and worn out as well. Women! respect us in a loving and caring way and we men have our respnibilities too but when BOTH parties are working together, it's a cake walk.

(15)
Bracha Weisman,
May 30, 2004 12:00 AM

one little point

I enjoyed what you wrote but I strongly disagree with one sentence. Us women know our bodies and should never ask our husbands to lie to us by asking if we look fat.

I think asking if a certain outfit looks slenderizing might be okay. But otherwise it might help if everyone just agreed that no woman ought ever ask her husband the fat question.

(14)
Anonymous,
May 19, 2004 12:00 AM

remind women about allowing loving actions

You should remind women that they should allow men to show their love in the little ways. for example: Husband:"can I get you something to drink?" Wife:no Wife a few minutes later to a son: "would mind getting me something to drink?" After a few of these a husband quits asking. So wives do have also have a duty to foster a loving environment

(13)
Rehan Goldstein,
May 12, 2004 12:00 AM

Beautiful

It is all TRUE and nothing but the TRUTH!:)

(12)
shiah,
May 12, 2004 12:00 AM

Beautiful! Aunti Emunah!

Aunti Emunah! i cant really say that this article was written for me now at this period in my life- but i know it must be the truth cause my dad has always told me the things the you have written in this article... i loved it!

(11)
Henry,
May 11, 2004 12:00 AM

Wake-up Call

If you really think about it, we men are very lucky that it doesn't take a lot of effort to make women happy. Let's do our best to love them and thank them for all they do for us.

(10)
Anonymous,
May 11, 2004 12:00 AM

it's even more important as women get older

It's easy to tell your new young wife she's beautiful, smart etc. Most other people will likely say the same, although of course it means more from a mate. But if you really want to be appreciated, tell a woman in menopause she's still beautiful and you will be amazed at the treatment. Tell a woman who's had children -- and looks it -- that she is still desirable and watch her glow.

Above all, if you must criticize because you sincerely want to draw her attention to something, don't harp on it. She needs to lose weight? Don't worry, she already knows and is probably agonizing over it. You don't have to tell her. And although she won't say anything (out of respect for your feelings), you could probably lose a few pounds yourself.

(9)
Elad,
May 10, 2004 12:00 AM

Women expect too much

Women expect too much out of men! Women will always will compare you to other men and judge you. What about what men what? Sometimes we want piece and quiet and dont need be asked the same question over and over again because no matter what you already know the answer so enough is enough if you need constant reassuring you have low self esteem, look the man who you are with loves and cares for you if you know he doesnt then leave him and find someone who does.

(8)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2004 12:00 AM

Beautiful Summation

This a beautiful summation, How could anyone argue with love.

(7)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2004 12:00 AM

Re: to Elad

She did write about what men want

(6)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2004 12:00 AM

Beautiful article

Emunah,

That was a beautiful article; I agree with your points wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work!! I complimented my wife on her looks, for meals, told her every day that I loved her--and after 16 years of marriage, she walked out!! But I still feel that is the correct way to treat a wife (I"YH!)

(5)
Anonymous,
May 10, 2004 12:00 AM

Thank you for this article

I try to do these things. Your article provides a specific list and a reminder of some things that I'm not so good at.

(4)
ploni,
May 10, 2004 12:00 AM

I disagree

i heard from a kids at risk counselor (R.Speiser) that most kids who rebel against their parents today do so because of a lack of love. But he added anextra twist.
kids need UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Love is NOT enough. The kid needs to feel there's no hidden agendas and that you're in touch with who he really is. otherwise he'll go to the streets where he can show who he really is.
marriage is no different. Fluffy love is not enough. It must be real. The two must be able to look at each other without chattering aimlessly and be in touch with who they are.

(3)
esther,
May 10, 2004 12:00 AM

Great Insight!!

all men should read this article and women too. it simply yet clearly articulates what women really want from their partners. Thanks Rebbitzen for yet another wonderfuly illuminating article.

(2)
al puglisi,
May 10, 2004 12:00 AM

thanks

Thanks for reminding us that what women want is pretty simple. Not necessarily always easy, but simple. We are told so many things...women want men with money, men with prestige, men with six pack abs, men with all of these plus, plus, PLUS. But myu own wife is a testimony of your words here. Guys it really is not that hard,I think.
As for what men want, well, that's another column at another time I think, and women might be pleased to find out that what we want is pretty simple too, not easy, but simple.

(1)
Gidon Opert,
May 10, 2004 12:00 AM

A superb reminder!

Thank you for the reminder that my wife's happiness and stability is my OBLIGATION even when I need help myself and that without her I would be nothing, an empty vessel.
Thank you very much!

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!