262. Give up, give in, or give it all you’ve got!

DD ANTIPATICO? I mentioned I have achieved the right balance of D/s as far as feeding and fulfilling my submissive mindset. But what of Mike’s dominant mindset?

While I have no doubts that we are one, we are dealing with something we have never dealt with before — we are not quite on the same page in our D/s journey. I feel I have arrived at the sub I want to be and with the level of discipline that helps me be the person I want to be. I have never taken it for granted how fortunate I have been to have Mike be on the same page as me. If I needed a little more, he delivered it. If I needed less, he backed off.

JEN IS FEELING FUNKYFeeling like I have achieved my desired level of submission means I am not as emotionally invested in my day-to-day, moment-to-moment thoughts and actions. I love being submissive and couldn’t imagine backing off of a single rule – but, yes, my enthusiasm has been a bit, “meh!”

It could be my pre-menapausal-hormone-funkiness toying me. Whatever it is, I feel more like I am physically going through the motions of my duties, obligations and punishments without the same level of emotional connection I once had.

It just came to me — I compare it to a feeling of being on “auto pilot.” I just don’t have to give my submission any thought. My submission is part of me. That’s a good thing – no, that’s a great thing! I love that! I’ve been working hard towards that for several years! But. . .

Because being submissive is now my default state of mind – a reflex – I am missing the emotional journey of it all. There are certain emotions I no longer need to visit. The emotions to motivate myself to behave a certain way — no longer needed. The emotions needed to self-reflect and ponder what I was doing and where things were going – no longer needed. The many ways I surprised myself or that Mike surprised me as we unwrapped another dimension to our relationship – no longer a surprise.

It reminds me a bit of my feelings as a child with the build up and excitement around the holidays. Christmas comes, and maybe you get everything you wanted, and when it is over, you are happy, very happy. But, you miss the build up and excitement of it all. That’s sorta of where I am at. Very happy, but without that wonderment, amazement, or doubt that I once had. Is that a bad thing? My answer – no. But. . .

MIKE IS FEELING SPUNKY Mike told me he wants to explore more Dominance over me. This is a first for us as until now, it was typically me asking for more Dominance. Couple this with where I am at with our D/s, and, well – we aren’t eye to eye on what we are doing! Yikes!

It really goes to how lucky we have been in that this is the first time we are dealing with this in the three plus years since adopting Domestic Discipline. I know it could be worse – we could be going in opposite directions. But we aren’t opposite – it is sort like I am wanting to stand still and he is wanting to keep moving.

Mike has had an outlet for his desire to be more Dominant. Kayla has always enjoyed a deeper submission/more Dominance from Mike. Mike said that he enjoys where things are with he and Kayla, and has discovered he would like to be a bit more dominant when it comes to he and I.

He admitted that this feeling is part of what drove him to have me pursue Matt. While cuck may sound like a submissive act on his part, he feels it is a dominant act to require me to have sex with Matt. This is also why he loves to give me orders on what to do when he is watching Matt and I.

As we were sitting watching tv, Mike looks over to me and says, “I have been feeling this need to dominate you more. I am not sure in what ways, but, just this nagging feeling of needing more submission from you. I want you to come up with some ideas and we can talk more about it at our next Maintenance.”

“Yes, Sir, may I ask a few clarifying questions?”

“Yes, you may.”

“Are you feeling a need to ramp up any particular area, such as more rules, or more restrictions, or more acts of service?”

“To be honest, I don’t have anything specific. Ideas on any aspect of your submission will suffice. Let’s explore your ideas at Maintenance.”

This was his second time of saying “let’s discuss more at Maintenance.” Thus, I felt I shouldn’t question this further and simply wait until then to discuss.MY REACTION IN MY HEADMy initial reaction that I thought to myself was, “Don’t mess with this great thing we have achieved. We are finally at this point of balance, “of equity,” where I am fulfilled and things are working great.”

Of course, it didn’t take me long to realize that equity isn’t just about my fulfillment. It does start there, but it doesn’t end there.

WHAT DOES EQUITY SAY ABOUT THIS? I have to give my relationship with Mike everything it needs to be successful. Not because Mike demands it, but because I demand it of myself (and we expect it from each other). So what does my relationship need here? Well, it needs MY needs to be met, and it needs Mike’s needs to be met. And based on what he said, those needs are a bit unbalanced right now as far as our D/s goes.

Three ways to reconcile this:

GIVE UP I don’t ever give this option any thought, but keep in mind it is always an option one has. If something is important enough and you are so dissatisfied by it, then “going nuclear” and giving up the relationship is always an option..

GIVE IN Part of me is leaning towards this. After all, the irony wasn’t lost on me that we have had this exact conversation many, many times before — except it was reversed, with me seeking more submission. Mike was always willing to listen to me and incorporate my wishes with whatever he was willing to do. I should grant him the same consideration he has always granted me. That is equitable, right? There is nothing wrong with “giving in” as long as it is not something you feel strongly about. When Mike “gave in” to my requests for him to discipline me, he wasn’t abandoning a deeply held conviction to not doing so. While it wasn’t in his nature, he was willing to explore with me and give it a try.I feel I have worked very hard to find the level of submission that works for me. I like where our D/s and DD is at. As a result, I feel deeply invested in the efforts to get where we are today and I am not inclined to just give in.

We also just went through our Contract renegotiation exercise eight months ago after a lot of time and energy went in to expressing and codifying what we wanted. I am already a lot more submissive now than before that Contract. I love that, but am not looking for more.

In this case, my giving in is not an option. Mike could also give in, but honestly, I don’t want him to just for my sake. He expressed this need within him, and I want to help him fulfill it. We just have to figure it out. I want him to be vulnerable enough to express things I may not agree with, so the worst thing for me to do is trying to shut him down on this issue. I appreciate he is telling me what he needs, and I want to help him fulfill his needs. So, him giving in also not an option.

GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT (i.e., negotiate) When #1 and #’2 aren’t options, then you simply need to seek alternative solutions. That is what a negotiation is. And, to truly give it all you got, you have to bring all of yourself to the negotiation. That means, you guess it, more vulnerability..We both have been extremely honest about our needs and desires. Not just sharing what they are, but what they mean to us and how they make us feel. At the same time we appreciate what the other person’s needs and desires mean to them and how they make them feel..You must have vulnerability, honesty, and love as a foundation for a “negotiation.” With that foundation, negotiation doesn’t mean we hoard our chips and say, “I’ll give you this one if you give me that one.” That’s “equality” creeping in. You aren’t looking to achieve an equal solution, you are looking to achieve an equitable one. No keeping score!The result is you freely give the relationship the “chips” you are able to give without compromising your overall needs or with expectations of getting a chip in return.

THE RESULT We worked it out. Yeah, in prior posts when I first started alluding to this issue, it hadn’t yet been resolved. But now it has.

SO JEN, WTF IS IT THAT HE WANTS?
Oh, yeah. You probably wonder what are these “more dominant” things we wants? I think that makes for another good cliffhanger! Ha! Seriously, I purposely didn’t want to get into what the specific things were.

I didn’t want you to put your own value on whether the specific things I suggested or that he had in mind were reasonable or not. It doesn’t matter what value you put on them – and frankly, it doesn’t matter what value I put on them. What matters is the fact that Mike valued them. Whatever it is he needs as a Dom is no more or less important than what I need as a sub.

WHAT ARE YOU IMAGINING?But — I will share what those things are in another post. In the meantime, it gives me a bit of thrill to think of all the crazy, sick, and twisted things you are likely imagining. Imagine away! Feel free to comment and share what you are imagining, if you dare!

Thanks for idea. I think orgasm denial would be more challenging in Mike than me…he loves when i climax almost as much as i do. But, it is something we have never talked about, so i will bring it up. Maybe he thinks differently than i am assuming. Thanks again (on second thought, perhaps i won’t be so thankful if he likes the idea). 😁

I’ve felt the same lack of anticipation as you describe. Christmas is a perfect analogy! Whenever we are discussing the direction of our relationship, or new things HD wants to try, etc…I feel that excitement. Once we have reached the milestone it’s fun and I’m happy…but lacking that intensity of emotion. I think it’s natural, but it would be lovely if there were a way to maintain a (perhaps low level) anticipation full time.

When discussing D/s, Fucrissy often has written about something similar to the discrepancy between yours and Mike’s needs a few times (and I know I’ve definitely experienced it) where the Dom(me) feels an increased desire for Dominance while the submissive has to catch up. I was blanking on what he called it but I remember now: progressive escalation. It can be nerve-wracking and exciting in equal measure. I’m looking forward to hearing the resolution, maybe it will help me cope when I find myself lagging behind HD in his Sadism. 🙂

I like that – progressive escalation. I also call it “the chase is better than the catch.” Hee hee. But seriously, one can get addicted to the feelings (endorphins) of the chase, causing the need to escalate. For me, while I miss a bit of that, i like where i am at and think our annual “immersion” is perfect for creating some anticipation and escalation, albeit temporarily. Also, as it turned out, Mike was really asking for anything dramatic. A bit anti-climatic. Based on what he said i was imagining all sorts of things. Once we talked about it, it really wasn’t a big deal. I’ll post about soon. But, your comment has me thinking—- the pleasure of “the chase” is a real thing we need to address. Perhaps there are things we can do to “keep it fresh” and adventurous without requiring escalation. My quarterly goals that he sets kind of does this too. So we just need to come up with other mechanisms beyond the annual immersion and those goals. Sounds like a fun undertaking. In fact, i feel energized to pursue this with Mike. Thank you for the comment as it has inspired me! Heck, i envision a future post all about this! I am going to talk to Mike as soon as i post this reply so we can get some ideas flowing. Thanks again!!

Okay, i just had to add something as my mind is already in high gear. You can consistently create at least a low level of anticipation by just changing things up. It isn’t always about “escalation.” It can also be about “substitution.” Think of eating ice cream. Let’s say you love vanilla…wait, not a good choice when talking kink…okay, say you love rocky road with sprinkles and whipped cream. Escalation would require you to add a scoop of mint chocolate chip, a cherry, some chocolate syrup, and eventually some nuts, a banana (none of these have sexual connotations by the way, hee hee). Then, further escalation requires adding another flavor, then another, then some M&M’s, and so on. But, what if all you really are comfortable with was the rocky road with, say some nuts? Okay, then occasionally swap one of those two out for a “mystery” ingredient, or occasionally had a third “surprise” ingredient. The thrill of the chase is still there, without escalation. Okay, now i need a banana split!! Dang it, it’s bedtime and Mike isn’t going to allow that! Unless perhaps i can think of something interesting to do with the whipped cream? 🤪