The past few nights in this windy city of Amarillo, Jason and I have been blessed by the fire that crackles and sparks in our beautiful fireplace. No television to turn our attention away from a marvelous act of nature, no distractions to keep us from watching the flames as they soar high into the chimney in an array of colors from yellow to orange to blue. No phones, no lights…nothing but the sound of our breathing and the awe-inspiring view of the all-consuming fire. I watched that fire last night dry those pieces of wood until they fell under their own weight and became nothing but dry ash on the bottom of the floor and I thought of God.

God is referred to in the Bible as an all-consuming fire, we should be worshipping Him with holy fear and awe (Hebrews 12:28-29) but we continue to get muddied up by the ways of the world. Like I mentioned in my video last night (go back and watch it if you missed it) that we get so entangled in ourselves and in our own sin and selfishness that we forget that we are supposed to be the light in the room for others. We lead by example and we follow the example of Christ. There is no other way. There is no sin that is ok for now!! We have to call things forth and start driving out the things that are taking out our friends and loved ones with the Word of God and stop counseling them! The Word is a double-edged sword that divides our soul and spirit.

God is an all-consuming fire.

When you take a look at what fire does to wood, imagine what it can do to our soul if we let it. I was thinking of Ezekiel last night in the valley of dry bones. What made the bones dry? It doesn’t say, but the bones represented the people of Israel and their sin…more than likely after the jealous, all-consuming fire of God swept through just as Moses prophesied to them (Deut 4:23-24). What makes us think that we are guarded from God’s judgement just because we (as a society) have conditioned ourselves to believe that it is ok to let things slide to the point of our eternal doom? The grace of Jesus is NOT greasy and cannot be mocked.

Because I have a pyrotechnic-wanna-be husband (lol), the fire in our fireplace last night reached epic heights and temperatures as it dried out that wood. The air around it became magnetized almost as the overwhelming heat rose through the chimney. It was the most beautiful sight to behold and I thought of the living water of Christ. It covers us and washes away our filth that comes from the spirit of judgement and the spirit of burning (Isaiah 4:4). We are baptized in water for repentance but the Holy Spirit of Christ will baptize us with a NEW fire…one that was atoned for by His death. And THAT needs to stay lit…and the only way for the Holy Spirit fire to stay lit is for us to continue to walk in it and show others the way to their own salvation. We have to keep setting the example to follow and become more like Christ, DAILY dying to ourselves for the sake of the building up of the Kingdom of God!

Let God’s all-consuming fire melt away the things that are troubling you, the things that are keeping you in bondage, the things that you refuse to speak out because it is so shameful…let it BURN away and then speak to your own dry bones and let them live again NEW then don’t stay quiet against the things of this world…you were brought here for a reason and a purpose…SHINE YOUR LIGHT…your dry bones can live…and so can THEIRS…Open your mouth and speak the truth…which is the Word of God.

Ezekiel 37:1-14 – The Lord took hold of me, and I was carried away by the Spirit of the Lord to a valley filled with bones. 2 He led me all around among the bones that covered the valley floor. They were scattered everywhere across the ground and were completely dried out. 3 Then he asked me, “Son of man, can these bones become living people again?”

“O Sovereign Lord,” I replied, “you alone know the answer to that.”

4 Then he said to me, “Speak a prophetic message to these bones and say, ‘Dry bones, listen to the word of the Lord! 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again! 6 I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin. I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”

7 So I spoke this message, just as he told me. Suddenly as I spoke, there was a rattling noise all across the valley. The bones of each body came together and attached themselves as complete skeletons. 8 Then as I watched, muscles and flesh formed over the bones. Then skin formed to cover their bodies, but they still had no breath in them.

9 Then he said to me, “Speak a prophetic message to the winds, son of man. Speak a prophetic message and say, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, O breath, from the four winds! Breathe into these dead bodies so they may live again.’”

10 So I spoke the message as he commanded me, and breath came into their bodies. They all came to life and stood up on their feet—a great army.

11 Then he said to me, “Son of man, these bones represent the people of Israel. They are saying, ‘We have become old, dry bones—all hope is gone. Our nation is finished.’ 12 Therefore, prophesy to them and say, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lordsays: O my people, I will open your graves of exile and cause you to rise again. Then I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 When this happens, O my people, you will know that I am the Lord. 14 I will put my Spirit in you, and you will live again and return home to your own land. Then you will know that I, the Lord, have spoken, and I have done what I said. Yes, the Lord has spoken!’”

Matthew 3:11-12 – “As for me, I baptize you with water for repentance, but He who is coming after me is mightier than I, and I am not fit to remove His sandals; He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. “His winnowing fork is in His hand, and He will thoroughly clear His threshing floor; and He will gather His wheat into the barn, but He will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.”

Lord, help our generation…remind us that you cannot be fooled. We cannot show up on a Sunday morning to look good for all our friends then get more excited about a touchdown than we do about a soul coming to know You and surrendering all. We jump up and down and give high fives for things that will pass away while You and eternity stand by with open arms. You see all. You know every excuse. And You are not interested as we continue to reinvent ourselves at the cost of ourselves as we wander through this life unchanged and unwilling to see the truth.

All things can be done with the very thing in our hand; we do not need to reinvent the wheel in order for You to take us to new heights. Help us see that we can do nothing without You. And if we feel as if all has been gotten by us in our pursuit, then humble us, Lord.

Help us to not get stuck in complacency, but to always walk in desperate obedience.

Take us to our Promised Land and loose our excuses from our minds. Get us out of our downward spiral of always seeking something shiny and new instead of Your will for us. You have shown us time and again in Your Word that you can do much with little, and that our grocery list of canned excuses and fresh fears are no match for You!

You are not interested in our excuses; You can start with the very thing that we hold in near. We don’t need a majority vote. We don’t need a thousand “friends” on Facebook to remind us that we are going in the right direction and that accepts us. We don’t need an army of make believe people backing us in our pursuit of Your will. All we need is to stop waiting and start walking. Hesitation is only our limitation. Show us our talent that can be used for You and keep us from burying it in the dirt as we step out in faith and realize that we can live in the dream and not behind a TV set watching an overpaid athlete make a score while someone on the street is dying for a piece of bread.

One foot in front of the other…one mindset changed daily…one celebration of a soul won each minute…no more mundane…no more sideline living…NO MORE EXCUSES!

Ephesians 4:1-4

But Moses protested again, “What if they won’t believe me or listen to me? What if they say, ‘The Lord never appeared to you’?”

2 Then the Lord asked him, “What is that in your hand?”

“A shepherd’s staff,” Moses replied.

3 “Throw it down on the ground,” the Lord told him. So Moses threw down the staff, and it turned into a snake! Moses jumped back.

4 Then the Lord told him, “Reach out and grab its tail.” So Moses reached out and grabbed it, and it turned back into a shepherd’s staff in his hand.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see. Hallelujah! Christ is risen from the grave! Hallelujah! Christ is risen from the grave! It was grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved. How precious did that grace appear the moment I believed. Hallelujah! Christ is risen from the grave. Hallelujah! Christ is risen from the grave! Oh death, where is your sting? Oh fear, where is your power? The mighty King of Kings has disarmed you!! Delivered and redeemed…eternal life is ours…Oh praise His Name…FOREVER!

Those dreams that haunt in the night, that remind her of where she came from, that sinister, evil laugh that is heard in the dark as desperate prayers go out from a hot, sweaty mess of an individual who has cried her last tear of the night in reliving a past through nightmares of epic proportion.

That’s me. That’s the enemy trying to steal, kill, and destroy what God is building.

The dreams still come…

But God…is Light and there is none beside Him. Where He is casts no shadow and He is in me so there is no darkness that can hide from Him. I will not be faint, no weapon formed against me shall prosper, nothing shall come near my tent. No force can harm me. I fly far above you, the enemy that is under my feet. I soar on wings like eagles. I have strength that is made new every day because I trust in the Lord and wait on Him. I will run and not grow weary from this onslaught in my mind…

The dreams still come…

The love of my life and my husband also bears my burdens and where two or more are gathered, God is in their midst. Nothing that is not of God is not welcome. We work together as one body and under one God. Thank you, Lord, that my husband counts me as partner…it increases my faith. We have love and faith for our marriage and for you Lord and our home is an open door for Light and love and no darkness shall live here…

The dreams still come…

The joy of the Lord is my strength, every single day with God is new and set apart for me. I am chosen, a daughter of the King of Kings, robed in garments washed of my past. I am not isolated because I never stand alone. I will not grow weary, no matter how long the days because I trust God for every provision and for every result and the blessings are abounding and nothing from hell can stop them.

They have no power…

Because of cross, I am a new creation. Nothing can separate me from God’s amazing love. Everything that attempts to come against me when my mind is at rest has to submit to the Lord of Lord for He disarmed the things of the night. ALL powers are made subject to Christ that lives in me. I am recreated…delivered…redeemed…set free…my Master is the Maker of the Wind and I live for, in, and from victory and Light. No more fear, no more questions, no more doubt, no more discouragement.

The I AM is with me….

Oh, praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead…JESUS

I have found myself running on the heels of a phantom discouragement, a fleeting emotion that is not really there but that sends chills down my spine none the less. A moment when nothing negative is being said but there are no words being said at all. It is a silent space of wonder that is taken up and filled up by my own thoughts of insecurity. Since when did I forget how to encourage myself? Since when did I get so caught up in my curiosity of what others were thinking that I forgot who Jesus says that I am. What about the gentle whisper in that moment of empty space that tells me how loved and adored I am, just the way I was made?

What about the times when others are getting praise for the very think that I am working like mad to attain? In walks in lousy jealousy.

1 Samuel 18:6-8 – When the victorious Israelite army was returning home after David had killed the Philistine, women from all the towns of Israel came out to meet King Saul. They sang and danced for joy with tambourines and cymbals. 7 This was their song: “Saul has killed his thousands, and David his ten thousands!” 8 This made Saul very angry. “What’s this?” he said. “They credit David with ten thousands and me with only thousands. Next they’ll be making him their king!” 9 So from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David.

Saul allowed the praises of David to become the demise of his own confidence. Where does this come from in our own lives and why? Saul was already chosen, yet he allowed one small thing to offend him to the point of no return. Why? It drove him away from who he was called to be. Why? He was already the tallest, the most handsome, the best looking, anointed and obviously blinded to his own worth because of WHY?

Here is the thought that God just smacked me with. There are people in my life (and yours) who think I (we) hung the moon, who compliment me all the time, who love me for who I am. But I choose to listen to the wrong reports because the group of people I desperately want to hear it from seem to be light years away. The last things I heard them say broke my heart into pieces, so why am I holding onto that as if it is still true when the real truth is being spoken to me daily? So what that it goes unnoticed by that other camp? Who cares that they don’t seem to care? What difference is it that they don’t want to see my change, know who I am, what I stand for, and where I have been and where I am going?

Who I could become hinges on this very thing. If God is for me, who can be against me? I’m not optimistic because of the things I see and feel, I am optimistic because of who God is, what He says, and what He has already done. People DO NOT MATTER.

Forgiveness…please reign free…in me

The apology I may never get…doesn’t matter. The affirmation that may never come…it doesn’t matter. It all rides on the wings of hope and trust and the truth that I do hear that I now choose to make my reality. What happened to Saul after this jealous rage? He was tormented from that moment on by a spirit that God allowed. God’s chosen and anointed…now FALLEN. Why? We all seek and starve for genuine friendship…unpolished, unfiltered, white-knuckled-truth-bearing, this-is-what’s-really-happening friendship and relationship and we shy away from it when our ears are no longer being tickled and when the truth comes on the heels of the affirmation we wanted (and got) but we listen the lies in our head over the very thing we sought in the first place.

Wow, Lord. Help me always to rest in YOUR truth, to know who I am, to never take for granted the friendship and love that I have been graced with and that is setting me free from bondage. Thank you, Lord, for the light, for the hope, and for the affirmation that comes straight from heaven.

I sat at the water’s edge, completely overtaken by the sound of the waves as children played nearby. As I laid my head down to rest, I pondered the stillness in the air ahead of the storm to my north. Wave upon wave lapped at the shore, all coming in at different angles, unsure of which way to go it seemed. The sound of moving water threatened to lull me to sleep. I opened my tired eyes to a sight I had never before seen, more than 30 seagulls at various stages of development, young and old alike, lined up down the beach directly ahead of me, all pointing the same direction…into the wind at the water’s edge, still as statues. I sat up, mesmerized by what I was seeing and the Lord began to speak and I became attentive as I stared at those that were staring toward the wind.

One could easily tell the juvenile chicks from the adults at first glance. These chicks, only weeks before, were testing their wings a bit further down the beach and looked like butterflies floating in the air at their nesting ground. And here they were, learning from the seasoned veterans, the generation before them.

Hebrews 5:12-14 – You have been believers so long now that you ought to be teaching others. Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God’s word. You are like babies who need milk and cannot eat solid food. 13 For someone who lives on milk is still an infant and doesn’t know how to do what is right. 14 Solid food is for those who are mature, who through training have the skill to recognize the difference between right and wrong.

As they all stood into the wind, I took notice of several of the adults who were brave enough to get their webbed feet wet and step into the gentle waves to seek out something to eat and get a drink of water. However, it became blatantly obvious that what they were taking in was not the right kind of food. It was not good for consumption because one after the other began to spit pieces of trash out of their mouth and some who had actually swallowed the garbage floating on the surface became ill and had to struggle to get it back up and spit it back onto the ground.. One seagull after another took themselves out of the line facing the wind and went for the shiny object that was not good for their well-being before stepping back into line again. I thanked God right then and there for the daily grace we are offered to be able to step back into line when we mess up. He then reminded me that we, as a society of broken humans, are no longer eating the right kind of food. We have stopped drinking the spiritual milk and eating the all-sustaining bread of life and are more focused on the things that float by and grab our attention which pulls us out of Kingdom rank and file.

What is this teaching those behind us in the generation to follow when we are more consumed by our incessant need for approval behind a computer screen or phone? What about those faithful few who continue to stand in line seeking to clean their feathers on the seemingly uncomfortable winds of change and opportunity that comes, sometimes even ahead of a storm, to make us new?

1 Corinthians 10:1-7 – I don’t want you to forget, dear brothers and sisters, about our ancestors in the wilderness long ago. All of them were guided by a cloud that moved ahead of them, and all of them walked through the sea on dry ground. 2 In the cloud and in the sea, all of them were baptized as followers of Moses. 3 All of them ate the same spiritual food, 4 and all of them drank the same spiritual water. For they drank from the spiritual rock that traveled with them, and that rock was Christ. 5 Yet God was not pleased with most of them, and their bodies were scattered in the wilderness. 6 These things happened as a warning to us, so that we would not crave evil things as they did, 7 or worship idols as some of them did. As the Scriptures say, “The people celebrated with feasting and drinking, and they indulged in pagan revelry.”

1 Corinthians 10:12-23 – If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. 13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. 14 So, my dear friends, flee from the worship of idols. 15 You are reasonable people. Decide for yourselves if what I am saying is true.16 When we bless the cup at the Lord’s Table, aren’t we sharing in the blood of Christ? And when we break the bread, aren’t we sharing in the body of Christ? 17 And though we are many, we all eat from one loaf of bread, showing that we are one body. 18 Think about the people of Israel. Weren’t they united by eating the sacrifices at the altar? 19 What am I trying to say? Am I saying that food offered to idols has some significance, or that idols are real gods? 20 No, not at all. I am saying that these sacrifices are offered to demons, not to God. And I don’t want you to participate with demons. 21 You cannot drink from the cup of the Lord and from the cup of demons, too. You cannot eat at the Lord’s Table and at the table of demons, too. 22 What? Do we dare to rouse the Lord’s jealousy? Do you think we are stronger than he is? 23 You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. 24 Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others.

The question remains…what are YOU eating? What is distracting you from the truth? What is getting YOU out of line? The one thing that moved me the most in this moment of time that seemed to stand still was there was one bird who I watched pick up a piece of garbage and ingest it, what looked like cellophane, and this bird did not get sick and did not step back in line. Why? Because he was accustomed and conditioned to eating TRASH and it no longer affected him. How sad, to die and never know truth and love and heaven because of the condition of your heart which has been fed the wrong kind of food…by YOU.

Ephesians 6:10-20 – Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. 14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; 18 praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints— 19 and for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.

I used to think that the armor of God was my DEFENSE againt the enemy in the battle of spiritual warfare, where bodies lie scattered and wounded soldiers for God walk shell-shocked and confused amongst the chaos of the combat. We are all attacked daily. Sometimes others fake attacks in order to justify their irrational behavior….let that sink in.

Let’s look at our defensive weapons if you will:

THE BELT OF TRUTH combats the lies we love to not only listen to, but tell ourselves. We cannot attain victory until we start speaking life into EVERY situation.

THE BREASTPLAT OF RIGHTEOUSNESS guards our trembling hearts from the onslaught and fiery darts that come seemingly from nowhere, yet everywhere. Everything flows from the heart and the enemy knows that.

FEET FITTED WITH THE READINESS THAT COMES FROM THE GOSPEL OF PEACE. Are you ready? Are you really ready to wlk out in obedience what God is calling you to do? Are you at peace? What is holding you back? Is it because you can’t hear God speaking anymore? If so, it’s because you have quieted His still, small voice by not listening. Find peace by doing that last thing you heard Him say and WALK IT OUT. Do not run away from the call.

SHIELD OF FAITH. Another defensive weapon against the things that come against us, ususally the arrows of disbelief when we wonder if God is really big enough to handle our situation. Believe in the things you cannot see. That is true faith.

HELMET OF SALVATION. How many thoughts a day do we actually take captive and give back to the Lord? How many thoughts roam our minds and take up camp where they don’t belong and light fires of insecurity, doubt, and worry?

So many people stop here…But there is ONE MORE piece of the armor, but not a defensive one.

#6 – THE SWORD OF THE SPIRIT is the only OFFENSIVE piece to our armor. Yes, I said offensive. If you, or anyone else for that matter, is offended by the Word of God, the GOOD! It means that it is convicting the parts of us that we want to keep hidden, our secret sins. Our offensive sword is not a part of SELF, but absolutely of GOD. It’s the truth of God in itself. God’s word breathes life, it inspires, it is alive, it is dynamic, and it is LIFE CHANGING.

Hebrews 4:12 – For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

God’s word reveals who we are…and who we are not. It penetrates our moral and spiritual lives by separating what is good and evil within us. It requires decisions. As God’s word divides your soul (your mind, will, and emotions), allow it to do it’s work! STAND FIRM then with your FULL armor and speak life with your sword. When you are holding your shield with one hand and your sword with another, there is no way you an pick up anything else. And remember that there is no armor for your back. God goes before you and if you CHOOSE to turn around and not obey, you are left vulnerable to the onslaught.

Please…be comforted by the fact that God is for you, my friend. Even when the battles ensue all around you, the seeds of comfort take root in soils of adversity. His word is a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path. We may not can see clearly the path before us, but trust and know that it is there.

James 1:15 – Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.

Isaiah 40:6-8 – The voice said, “Cry out!” And he said, “What shall I cry?” “All flesh is grass, And all its loveliness is like the flower of the field. 7 The grass withers, the flower fades, Because the breath of the Lord blows upon it; Surely the people are grass. 8 The grass withers, the flower fades, But the word of our God stands forever.”

We are not immune to trials and suffering, but our faith should not be hindered by our unwillingness. God’s word is eternal and unfailing and it never returns void. So…choose today & FIGHT.

“‘My Name is Victory’ is a thorough, comprehensive look at the effects of unresolved grief through the eyes of authors Julie Keene and Lisa Daughdrill, who share from their own experiences following multiple losses in their lives. Here, these two powerful women of God tell how they each faced the heartache of pain, disappointments, and personal loss only to gain VICTORY in their lives by shattering the lies of the enemy with the Truth of God’s Word. ‘My Name is Victory’ teaches others how to recognize the lies inserted through the open wounds of a grieving heart and replace them with the Truth in order to achieve their own VICTORY!”

This book is for anyone who dares to live!

Thank you to all who have endorsed, encouraged, and already purchased our book, “My Name is Victory”. It is not our intention to use this book to promote Lisa Daughdrill or Julie Keene or any Ministry in any way. This book was written to glorify One Person ONLY and that is JESUS CHRIST. HE is the only One who can heal you or save you! Anything else apart from Him, no matter how good, are merely one of many tools that He may use in the healing process.

This book is intended to shed Light on Darkness and share Truth and Hope with others in need. It discusses many dark topics that people often question alone but are afraid to ask about such as suicide, abortion, addiction & overdose, the demonic & spiritual attacks & just why the devil hates us in the first place, generational curses and even what the unpardonable sin really is.

It was written from one healed soul to another seeking, as a help tool for those who are grieving any loss or major life disappointment, but may not understand what grief really is, the stages and process of getting through it or why they feel the way they do.

This book is the result of our own losses and the destructively painful recovery that we pray others can avoid if they know the Truth, because the Truth, Jesus, is the Only One Who can set any of us FREE.

God loves you and we love you!! Keep walking!

Once you read it, we would appreciate any feedback and we welcome any questions.

I lost my cat once. My mom ran over Callie while backing out of the driveway on the way to a bridal shower. We never made it to the bridal shower (maybe we did and I just can’t remember). I was so overcome with that tragic loss of my little pet. We called Daddy off the golf course that bright, sunny day, away from his beloved pastime. I stood there in the doorway of our big home, in my frilly dress with my patent leather shoes and lace socks, with crocodile tears streaming down my face and staining the front of my smock as he packed up my friend in a small box and put her in the back of his truck to head back to the game he left behind that consumed him most weekends. I immediately objected, “But Daddy, what about the cow birds?” He quickly moved the box into a shed and he was off in a rush.

Late that afternoon as we stood under the clear sky, the sun barely peeking over the horizon, we buried my little friend. The three of us, Daddy, Jessie, and myself, were huddled in the back corner of our property near the fence. Jess and I fought back tears and prayed, “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” Daddy rolled his eyes and headed back inside to where dinner was waiting. As I watched his back as he walked away, I realized he was only doing his fatherly duty since mom had to deal with our sadness all day.

Fast forward some 8+ years. As you pass through time quickly with me, imagine a life torn; confusion, anger, and frustration all attaching themselves to us as we move through time and space. Fear, rejection, and abandonment join in. Doubt, worry, and self-loathing catch a ride on this crazy train. One quick turn around a bend creates one mess after another, and BOOM…we come to a complete halt and wreck on this journey. Beware of the whiplash as our train derails.

It’s now August 25th, 1992, the third day of my sophomore year of high school. Dad has come from prison only a few years before and has become a ghost of a person. He isn’t even the same and unfortunately never will be. We have moved from our small town and its big gossip to another town close by where a sense of freedom exists for all of us. I’m standing outside of a new school in the pouring down rain, standing before my mom who is completely broken, the light extinguished from her once shining green eyes. The questions immediately start inside my head as I ponder the look upon her sad face. I seem to tower over her, being 8 inches taller than her small frame anyway, but today she looks much smaller. She looks upon me and hesitates for a moment before speaking the words that will send a shockwave through our entire family, “There has been an accident.” My reply, “It’s Daddy.” She nods her head in agreement, her tears mixed with the raindrops. I boldly say, “It wasn’t an accident, was it? He did it himself.” She barely nods her head as it hangs limply from her body. My dad has just committed suicide. Now I lay me down to sleep…

Lie #4 – Nothing you do can keep those you love in your life; the best grades in school, the willingness to move to a new town without complaint, good behavior, none of it matters anymore. You are alone, left again to your own devices.

TRUTH #4– IT IS WRITTEN: “The LORD also will be a stronghold for the oppressed. A stronghold in times of trouble; and those who know Your name will put their trust in You. For You O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You.” Psalm 9:9-10

Many times, especially when occurring during childhood, people will internalize traumatic events, whether the trauma came from words, deeds or situations, believing the lie implanted by the enemy through the event that it is all their fault. They begin to think if they had only been different, better in some way, smarter, prettier, more lovable, more helpful, quieter, etc., then the event or the after-effects of it would have turned out differently and better too. This is how many people end up obsessive/compulsive about perfectionism.

Here’s an example from a woman I met whose father and mother divorced when she was a very young child. Not understanding, as any child doesn’t, the true scope of her parent’s personal lives or the internal workings of their relationship, she bought into the lie of the enemy that somehow in their divorce she was at fault. The enemy set up the scene for her very well. She loved her Daddy and craved his affection and attention. Her father, a young man at the time, perhaps struggling with his own identity, and as she described the fruit of his Spirit to me, seemed to lack a relationship with the Lord. He was, by all accounts, preoccupied with his situation in life, his job, his unhappy marriage, and for whatever reasons the child did not know, she noticed that he stayed away from home more from where his wife and daughter were. Then once the parents had made the decision to live separately and divorce, the father packs up, family life as she knows it is all suddenly over and he leaves the home, leaving the 5 year old child behind with her mother. Immediately, abandonment and rejection and loneliness set up a new home in the child’s heart and mind. The child only sees Daddy on scheduled weekend swap visits in HIS home now and then she is sent back at the appropriated time to her mom in THEIR home. This goes on, mom has issues of her own that the child has to live in until the opportune time comes for enemy take out, when the little girl is 13 years old, an impressionable age for sure. That enemy is a sly one – you have to watch him.

So here she is, barely a teen, Dad is driving her to school one day and she is happy to be getting this father/daughter time together. He looks over at her in what he perceives as a helpful way, but to her has been a mile marker event that cut and scarred her deeply, setting the wheels of destruction in full motion. Her Dad, being physically fit himself, and having another child with a physical condition that caused excess weight gain, believes he is simply suggesting to her that she may want to increase her exercise more and watch the amount of food she is eating because she seems to be putting on a few pounds. BAM! The enemy began to use every painful feeling of rejection, abandonment, loneliness, fear, self-worth lies to yell to her how she wasn’t in the past but could be now Daddy’s perfect little girl that he would love but only by starving, exercising, throwing up, taking diet drugs, laxatives, and diuretics right on into her adulthood. From that day on the woman battled with eating disorder and her obsession with perfectionism. She not only demanded it in herself but also began holding others to her unreal expectations to the point of absolute misery and destruction, leading her to other addictions too as she tried to numb out the pain. The shame, guilt, feelings of rejection and abandonment, as well as self-loathing continued. The harder we try to be perfect or to fabricate love where there is no love, and try to live up to the unrealistic expectations of perfectionism in ourselves or seek it in other humans, the worse the feelings of disgust and failure become.

Approval addiction is just as destructive and deadly as chemical addiction, it leads to a progressive agonizing death of the person that God created you to be. Many times people trade one addiction for another in their quest for freedom from a certain dependency they perceive as their problem. Many with approval addiction will begin to use other things, drugs, alcohol, shopping, sex, and food to try to feel better about their insecurities. The problem is not the specific addiction. The addiction is what they are trying to use as the solution to their problem. The real root problem is always a heart issue, not a behavior. The behavior is a result of the heart issue. Once you identify, remove and replace the heart issue with the Truth of God’s Word by the power of the Holy Spirit in you, then the behavior will not be an issue for you any longer. That’s what deliverance is. Jesus Christ is the Only Way, Truth, & Life. He is the One who can give you a heart transplant to deliver you and heal you of all unrighteousness and emotional damage.

On the opposite side from Perfectionist is the “Can’t Do Anything Right So Why Try” person. The enemy will use the same tactics to plant a lie but they feel helpless and hopeless to the point of just giving up on themselves, others, life. They give up on even trying – “What’s the use, I can never be good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, rich enough, popular enough so why even try?” Fears set in and some people, many beginning at the earliest ages in childhood, won’t even try to do the simplest of things for fear of failure. They are so afraid of being embarrassed or shamed or being exposed as the failure they feel inside themselves, that they won’t try to do or learn anything new. They get stuck in that fear and it becomes more controlling and confining until many never find success in any area of their life, especially jobs or relationships because of it. That just confirms the lie to them even more that they are a failure and will never amount to anything. They begin to believe that no one will ever like or love them, so it’s better not to even try because if they try and fail they will be laughed at or rejected even more. They go through life shrinking back, hiding, peeping out from behind their wall of disappointment and fear with envy at others who have the courage to step out in faith, try something different, take the risk, grow and change their lives for the better. They truly believe that the blessings in life are for others but not for them so they stay stuck in their condition, their self-imposed bondage watching their life go by. Folks, if you want different in your life, you have to do different. Trust God and step out from behind the wall your hiding behind. Engage in life.

I want ears to hear. I don’t want to leave Jesus standing out in the cold, knocking away at my heart. I was lukewarm most of my adult life. I straddled the fence between believing and not believing all day, every day. I sat up there and made camp. I hung out and built myself a ledge for support, even had a little umbrella to protect me from the elements. I could see both sides, but I sure didn’t want to choose. I wanted to be “out of the box”. I wanted to think freely, live freely, speak freely, support any and all causes; homosexuality, abortion, tree-huggers, dope fiends, and fence jumpers. I didn’t really stand for anything, so I fell for everything. I was SELF satisfied and not self-controlled. I rallied around every cause, just to say that I wasn’t in a box and that I was a supporter of the WORLD!!!

Revelation 3:14-22 – These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witnesses, the ruler of God’s creation. 15 I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16 So, because you are lukewarm – neither hot nor cold – I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17 You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18 I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. 19 Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. 20 Here I am! I stand at the and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the , I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me. 21 To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22 Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

Stepping out of the box is freeing, if Jesus is the one pulling you out, not so you can rally around ignorance and unbelief. Being out of the box spiritually is the most freeing thing of all when the decisions made are based on biblical principles. But there I was, on the fence; I was stuck up there, birds landing on me, squirrels passing me by, enjoying every minute of it…for WHAT?!?!?! So I could stay confused and check out of my life anytime I wanted to without feeling guilty.

Guilt to me is knowing that I did something not right, feeling deep in my spirit that my choice was off in a way. It’s regretting the sin, but doing nothing to repent. It then becomes an excuse. ANOTHER EXCUSE. I was all the things listed in the verses above. I thought everything I DID have was gotten by me. I was perfectly content in any and all circumstances, even living in squalor.

Discipline is for my good. It comes with love and teaches me to not go back and do the thing that makes me feel guilty anymore like a dog goes back to it’s vomit.

Proverbs 26:1 – As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.

Oh, I was a fool. I was the worst kind. I don’t want to be lukewarm anymore. I want to jump off my perch, leave the squirrels and the birds, and run in the green, green grass toward freedom. The Lord KNOWS ME and He cares for me! I’m ok today being Hot or Cold. I’m ok with supporting my opinions based on biblical truths. I don’t judge anyone, I love them for who they are what they stand for. Hey, it’s better to stand for something than to fall for anything and today I stand for something! I love others because He first loved me! Today I want to stand for righteousness. I desire spiritual treasures, not earthly rewards. I want to see the Truth, even when it hurts. Letting Jesus through the of my heart was my only hope for lasting fulfillment. No more fence straddling for me!!

Deception: To mislead by a false appearance or a statement; concealment or distortion of the truth.

Deception is being pacified by unreality. Pain and confusion result from believing a lie. It is one of the finest tools of the enemy. If he can keep us deceived, he can keep us in bondage. At the point of true deception, he no longer has work to do and can take a vacation because from that point forward we become our own worst enemy and don’t even know it. I was deceived for so long. I believed that everything I was doing was for my good and the good of those around me. When I would fall back into addiction only to pick myself up again, I would talk myself into and then attempt to convince everyone else around me that I had it together, that it was going to be different this time, that life would be the primrose perfect path that I envisioned for myself all along. I would try so hard to make the lies in my head a reality and I would fall again under the pressure of not understanding why no one would believe me. I would reach out to the wrong people only to get answers that I wanted to hear. I refused to get real with myself. The sad thing is I believed every word I spoke and the enemy sat back and drank his Mai Tai on the beach and laughed at me.

Deception distorts what God says by changing the emphasis on the words, twists the meaning, and introduces false reasoning.

Am I really putting into practice the things I have learned? What effect is it having on my behavior? Am I willing to look at the TRUTH or am I going to walk out the door only to have forgotten what just entered my spirit? The battlefield is in the mind. If I allow my carnal thinking to take over my spiritual being, I run the risk of quieting my spirit altogether and deception can then reign, regardless of the teachings I sit under and the knowledge I gain. I would then live thinking that I was on target when in reality I was in error, causing the very chaos I desperately seek to remove myself from. Where is the head/heart connection then? Why is it so hard to plead for forgiveness and admit wrongdoing?

1 John 1:8-2:2 (NIV) – If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves an the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us. 1 My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father – Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. 2 He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.

This life is not all we have, it is only the introduction to eternity, so why make choices that come from deception only to please the world?? It’s just a one way ticket in the wrong direction toward eternal life. These are the questions I ask myself…What choices are being made today? Am I making the world a better place or am I bitter? Am I listening to the counsel of people who claim to have my best interest at heart but are working out of their own lies or am I listening to godly counsel? Do I really desire a positive change, or am I just going through the motions and pretending that all is well? Those are tough questions, but my spirit deserves real answers. GOD DESERVES REAL ANSWERS. The world deserves real answers or there is no way I could ever look others in the face and ask the same of them if I’m not willing to be honest with myself first. Don’t be deceived. Listen to the painful Truth which is in the word of God, don’t listen to the beautiful lies that justify the behaviors that have you entangled. The truth will set you FREE!

James 1:22-25 (NASB) – For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; 24 for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was. 25 But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does.

1 Timothy 1:15-17 – Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners – of whom I am the worst. 16 But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. 17 Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. AMEN.

1 John 3:19-20 – This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence. 20 If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

Oh Jealousy…In the words of author, Margaret Atwood: “You can only be jealous of someone who has something you think you ought to have yourself.”

Jealousy is a misconception of the truth. It makes me lose my perspective of the truth and love of God. I then in turn lose trust in His ability to do what is best in any circumstance I find myself in. I would love to say that I’m not a jealous person. I used to be jealous of everyone and everything, always trying to “live up to the Jones’”. Today, not so much, but I AM suffering in silence at this very moment. I’m just going to get honest here because when I speak the lies of the enemy out loud, the coward loses his power over me. I’m going to shatter this stronghold right here and right now because I don’t want to feel this way and quite frankly it makes me sick.

I am jealous of other women that have also graduated Jacob’s Well that are already in the process of getting their children back. I’m also angry at those who choose not to be around their children full time because I would give anything to be in a position to even see mine on a regular basis (or just once for that matter). So now, not only am I jealous, but I am judging. Whew…there it is…out there for the world to see.

Now it’s time to replace the lie with God’s TRUTH and get this up off me. I first want to say that being jealous and judgmental is not in my heart and I am over the moon happy for these beautiful, strong, courageous women of God. God is moving in their lives and what a blessing! All the more reason to stomp this lie back into hell where it belongs.

James 4:2 – You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.

That truth HURTS. I do ask God for what my desires are with my children and for some reason I keep taking back His power over my situation and I try to figure out ways to make it happen in my own strength. Then begins the quarrel within myself and I begin to start looking at everyone else and not myself. I forget about all the things that are going great in my life and all the blessings God is bestowing on me at breakneck speeds. I take back what I originally surrendered. And it is EXHAUSTING. My motives are not completely pure. Plain and simple. That is a hard truth.

Colossians 1:9-14 – For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, 10 so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11 being strengthened with all power according to his glorious mights so that you may have great endurance and patience, 12 and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. 13 For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

And there it is. I am in a holding pattern so that God can continue to work on my character and I can continue to grow in Him so that I know that every good work comes from HIM ALONE and not in my own strength. Susan Brogan from Jacob’s Well said it so clearly yesterday that I nearly fell off my bed reading it. She said, “Logic never undresses in front of pain. Sometimes God digs ditches in our valleys, so bad has got to get worse because bad was just not deep enough and it was not anything you did wrong. Sometimes things need to look utterly impossible so that God can say, ‘I couldn’t do it until I knew that you saw no way on earth it could be done.’ I trust the promise but I have to survive the process.” My process is not the same as Suzie Q or Janey L. I am Julie K and God is in CONTROL of MY PAIN and MY PROCESS just like He is in control of THEIR PAIN and THEIR PROCESS. I do not want my identity as a Christian woman to be put in jeopardy because I am in the mindset of wanting what others have. Jesus gave me LIFE and FREEDOM!!! He wakes me up every morning with new mercies! When I desire something more than my relationship with God, I am saying that “it” is more important that HIM. OUCH…

Colossians 3:12-15 – Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. 15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

I don’t want to unpack and live in these feelings because it is poisoning my life. How do I find forgiveness in all of this? How do I look at my situation through the eyes of God and see past the hurt? If I don’t put on the behavior marked by mercy, then I won’t get mercy. If I don’t forgive, then I won’t be forgiven. If I lose patience, all hell will break loose.

You can read Colossians 1-4about the Paul’s message to the church at Colossae atwww.biblegateway.com. What a testimony to God’s favor and mercy upon us all! Join in- the discussion by posting comments or questions below and let’s do this together!! #ReadtheBible #bgbg2 #BibleGateway #newbeginnings #Colossians

To further your reading, and to dive a bit deeper, consider this from

Romans 13:9 – The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Guess what? I am stealing joy when I covet, I am murdering someone’s character when I judge them, and I am SINNING.

My new attitude??…

1 Corinthians 1:4 – I always thank my God for you and for the gracious gifts He has given you.

There was a time I didn't even know what to believe in other than the lies the enemy told me. I idolized all the wrong things and ended up making excuse after excuse in order to continue to check out of my self-inflicted, painful life that was created out of my own victimization, guilt, shame, remorse, and FEAR.
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7)
I suffered from several selfish behaviors that had me bound for over 20 years. I suffered in silence and harmed everyone who loved and cared for me. Life as I knew it was a living hell. I was playing roles every moment of every day. I can say I tried, but to me trying means being inactive and complaining about it. I did a lot of that. I was always searching for truth in all the wrong places. And then it happened. He found me!! Jesus picked me up out of my brokenness and the only Being in the universe that has the power to save and the power to transform entered my life. His sacrifice for me allows me to wake up every morning and do everything I can to get it right, to continue to press on even when things are tough, to see the potential in every single thing I touch.
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:20)
Today, I sit in victory over satan because of the sacrifice Jesus made for me on the cross. He died in my place so I could be set free!
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:36)
The battle is still raging around me, but I am safe in the storm. I came into the world free and intend to leave the same way. The Lord is using my test as a Testimony to His saving grace and I want to give a voice to those suffering in silence. He is bringing it all back around for His glory! I am Coming Full Circle and this is my journey.