Path 2

Path 2

Pepper Spray and the Weaponization of Food

November 22, 2011

An ancient Roman sling and a very ripe durian could have cleared Zuccotti Park faster and at a fraction of the cost being wasted on pepper spray.

Sure, I’m pissed when the cops hose demonstrators with pepper spray, not only because they’re setting out to illegally deprive peaceful people of their constitutionally guaranteed rights, but because they’re doing it with a food product that might otherwise give culinary pleasure.

What food will be used to harass us next? Here are five possibilities for weaponizable edibles.

1. Durian — Man, if you launch one of those big bumpy suckers via a giant slingshot into a peaceful sit-in, just watch as the protesters scatter, screaming and vomiting. Kinda like nerve gas. And the puke will provide justification to send in the Sanitation Department again for “hygienic reasons.”

2. Cabernet Sauvignon Vinegar — Put this incredibly strong acid in the hoses and point them at those OWS wusses, and they’ll be weeping the moment it gets into their eyes. Save the runoff for a vinaigrette to be used by Bloomberg’s private chef.

3. Okra Slime — Put this stuff in baggies, and throw it at the feet of protesters. They’ll be slipping and sliding, and won’t be able to escape from the truncheon-swinging cops.

4. Taiwanese Stinky Tofu — Something like the durian in its nauseating smell, cubes of this fermented and fried bean curd make easier-to-aim tactical weapons. A cop can direct one right at the face of a protester and it won’t leave a mark — other than a psychological one, of course.

5. Tabasco Sauce — Put this stuff in a hand-pumped aerosol, and you have, not only the burn of chilies, but the sting of vinegar, all in one low-cost product, delivered at about a 100th of what Bloomberg and his cronies are making us pay via our taxes — and in an ecologically friendly manner, too, with no petroleum-based propellants.

One cube of stinky tofu shot into the face of a protester will leave no mark, but traumatize the recipient more surely than a blow to the head with a baton.