An Expectant Dad's Guide to Pregnancy

From now until you snip the cord, a lot may happen that no one will have
prepared you for ahead of time. There's no way to anticipate every possible
scenario, but you need not be completely in the dark. It's also good to have an
idea of ways you can be helpful to the mom-to-be.

The thing about men and pregnancy is that there's only so much you can do --
the expectant mother really does all the work. She also gets all the attention.
We all know she deserves it -- and then some -- but it's a common source of
tension for couples during pregnancy, says Leonard Boulanger, a clinical social
worker and fatherhood specialist for the Visiting Nurse Association and Hospice
of Vermont and New Hampshire. "In the whole process, the father feels that he is
being ignored," Boulanger tells WebMD.

Getting involved early and "at every level," Boulanger says, not only makes
things easier for the mother, but it also keeps you from feeling left out.

Preparing the Nest

When people talk about the changes that happen in pregnancy, they tend to say
a lot about changes in the mother's body and her moods. Less tends to be said
about changes in your home, which may interest you just as much as your pregnant
partner's swelling bosom.

Assuming that you have been living together for at least a little while,
you've settled into a domestic routine. "Expect that things she used to do are
no longer easy for her to do; and even if she's willing, she won't be able to do
as much," Paul Woods, MD, a family doctor (and father of four) in Hibbing,
Minn., tells WebMD. "You'll willingly need to step up to the plate and do more
things around the house than ever before."

Now that you're soon to be a family, your home also will contain a lot more
stuff. In come the crib, changing table, nursing rocker, bassinet, swing,
stroller, and car seat, plus all the baby toys and gadgets that you never knew
existed, but which you now must have. If you
plan to set up a nursery, get ready
to decorate. Crib sheets and bumper patterns will become important topics you
must be prepared to discuss at great length. Pregnant women are cautioned to
avoid paint fumes, so of course all the painting they want done falls to you.

You may not be able to match the mom-to-be's level of enthusiasm, but your
participation counts. "Just smile and repaint for the third time," Woods
advises.

Things will be different in the bedroom, too. The bed you share may seem less
cozy as she becomes more uncomfortable and sleeps fitfully, making frequent
trips to the bathroom in the night. You can help by accommodating her graciously
-- for example, by making room for her gigantic body pillow. You may even lose
your bedmate for a while, because some pregnant women prefer to sleep in a
reclining chair. Sex during pregnancy is a whole other matter on which plenty
has been written.

Remember also that all smoking inside your home has to stop right away.
Secondhand smoke is very bad for the baby.

Prenatal Visits and the Expectant Father

A generation or two ago, it was unusual for an expectant father to be present
during labor, let alone hang out with his pregnant wife in the exam room when
she saw her doctor. Now dads are encouraged to go to prenatal care appointments.

Assuming that all goes well, there will be about 15 routine prenatal visits
scheduled with varying frequency: once a month until 28 weeks, three or four
times up to week 36, and once a week for the last month.

If you can make time to join your partner at all or most appointments, she
will likely appreciate it, and you'll benefit from knowing what's going on. Two
visits in particular are especially worthwhile: the first appointment, and the
prenatal ultrasound exam. "As a physician, I want the dad there for the first
appointment to talk about what will happen, and to determine parents'
preferences," Woods says.

During the exam, the doctor should give both of you some general advice on
having a healthy pregnancy and address any specific medical issues. You can help
by paying close attention and asking thoughtful questions. The exam typically
involves simple things like collecting urine and blood samples from the mother,
taking her blood pressure, measuring around her middle, and weighing her.

Afterward, don't be surprised if she needs you to "spend half an hour drying
tears over the weight gain and explaining that, 'no, you don't look like a
cow,'" Woods says. Another thing that could catch you off guard is the internal
pelvic exam, which may be done in front of you. It's a standard obstetric
procedure, but to the guy standing there while his wife has one -- even a guy
who happens to be a medical doctor -- "no matter what, it just seems weird,"
Woods says.

During the 20th week of pregnancy, an ultrasound exam is normally done. This
is when many parents get a first glimpse of the baby and take home a sonogram
snapshot for the baby's album. Sometimes ultrasound is used earlier in pregnancy
to screen for birth defects or if a doctor suspects a problem. Ultrasound at 20
weeks can also reveal the baby's sex. You may choose to find out what it is or
wait to be surprised.

At some point, the mom-to-be will draw up her birth plan. That's a detailed
description of how she wants to do labor and delivery -- where to go, who'll
attend the delivery, how she intends to labor, whom she wants in the room, and
what your role will be. Taking a birthing class together can help you figure out
the best practical ways to support her throughout labor.

When the moment arrives, all might go according to the plan. Circumstances
could also trash the plan utterly. Woods says that in his experience, having
attended the birth of several hundred babies, it's usually the latter.

Because there are so many different ways for labor and delivery to play out,
it's difficult to describe a typical experience for a father-to-be in much
detail. Saying that any part of it will go one way or another involves a bunch
of assumptions that may not be true for everyone.

Nevertheless, it's fair to assume that you'll deliver in a hospital, which is
where 99% of all births in the United States occur. That means there will be
doctors and nurses around, with medical support available as needed. If you plan
on going to a certain hospital, you may benefit from visiting the maternity unit
(what this is called differs from hospital to hospital) well in advance of the
due date to get a real sense of what the place is like. Anticipate spending at
least 48 hours there for the delivery.

There's no way you can predict it, but on average, for a woman having her
first baby, labor lasts 12-24 hours from her first contractions to delivery.
Your partner may be in the early phase of labor for many hours before the
hospital will admit her. If at all possible, spend this time together and help
to keep her feeling at ease. When it's time, proceed calmly to the hospital.

As labor progresses, it gets increasingly painful. Even with pain control
measures, it hurts a lot. To you, it might seem like not much is happening as
the hours pass. Stay focused on her. "Getting ice chips, cold cloths, foot rubs,
back rubs -- suck it up, guys, it's only for a while," Woods says. "She is
experiencing pain like we can't imagine."

In the worst throes of labor, she might tell you to get the bleep out of
there. "Don't walk out," says Boulanger. "Be there from beginning to end."

The birth of your child is a big event that will change your life. But no
matter how deeply you care, and regardless of how supportive you are, labor and
delivery is not your show. Your name is in small type at the bottom of the show
bill. Even mom is in a supporting role because, really, the baby is the star.