I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

They are stupid. And I think they are useless. Okay, okay, I know that apparently they serve some type of purpose….keeping the holder of said umbrella dry. However, something happens to people when they have an umbrella in their hand.

They become complete and utter morons. Observe:

Can my case GET any stronger?

They think suddenly that they are the only person on the sidewalk. This may in fact be due to the umbrella being pulled down over their face. May I recommend at least looking down at the ground a few feet ahead of you and trying to determine if there are other people coming by the presence of shoes in your field of vision? I don’t know. Just an idea.

Umbrella holders also commonly forget to factor in for their extra width. They don’t seem to understand that they now require extra clearance and dont’ make any adjustments for this. This has resulted in several ‘Ow! My eye! You asshole!’ incidents.

Another thing that pisses me off and why I think umbrellas should be outlawed is that the users of the umbrella will stop either before entering or exiting a building. Please, stop doing that. I shouldn’t have to wait just because you think you’re too special to get a few drops of rain on you. Also, if you’re entering a building and you stop to close the umbrella, you create a puddle just inside the door. Please mop it up or be held responsible for the next person to walk by it and slip and land on their ass.

We all know how fun it is to try and hold a single umbrella over two people too. It doesn’t work that well. And it’s annoying to walk by these two people, who look as though they’re in some sort of three-legged race. Their irregular walking and constant shifting around each other leads them to weave wildly through the streets, and as we know, the bastards will stab your eye out before they’re willing to let their friend get wet.

The worst is the ‘drip line’ effect. Yes, that’s my university education in effect. The drip line is where the water hits the ground after falling off the edge of a tree’s limb. The same thing occurs off the edge of the umbrella, often landing on me. This is irritating to say the least. It’s not that it’s cuz I get wet, cuz I already am wet since I refuse to partake in umbrella culture, it’s just the principle.

Half the time the damn things blow open anyways! Leaving you both wet and an easy target for people like me to point and laugh at you.

In short, umbrella usage is rude. The devices themselves are stupid and useless, cause accidents and create friction between me and the rest of the world. You will not melt if you get wet. I promise. Skin is waterproof. Clothes can go in dryers. And sometimes it’s fun to just say fuck it and let yourself get soaked, and not have to worry about holding the umbrella just so.

I don’t own an umbrella, so in this case I’m not a huge hypocrite. I’ve also made others aware of their deep-seeded umbrella hate. For example, last night while walking the dog, a guy and girl were trying to share an umbrella. As we’ve just learned, this meant they were weaving wildly, AND forgetting to compensate for their extra width. They had one of the little spikes headed straight for my boyfriend’s eye. He lifted his arm and oh so calmly batted the umbrella away. The waterphobics underneath panicked, cuz they thought they’d poked his eye out, and cuz they got wet. Suckers. We laughed and kept walking.

Hopefully they learnt a lesson. Probably not. But it was funny.

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Comments on: "Pet Peeve #657? Umbrellas." (3)

There is an exception to this, I have to say. In my quest to be ever more efficient, I have found these clear umbrellas that are much, much smaller and only cover the umbrella holder. I first noticed it in a shampoo commercial. It’s sort of like a dome because it comes down over you like, well, a dome. 😛 So this way you’re dry without getting other people wet and/or getting in their way by taking up precious sidewalk real estate, AND since they’re clear you can still see where you’re going! I’ve yet to pick one up, and I will remain umbrella-less until I can snatch one up for myself and not be an regular-unbrella toting idiot. 😉 Great post, as usual.

I had one of those awesome dome umbrellas. They were pretty cool, because you could also pretend that you were walking around in a time machine, unbeknownst to everyone else. Except it said CP24 on it. Anthony stole it from a CityTV New Years show for me. How appropriate that I lost it. I guess I shouldn’t steal.

I’m not so sure that the first thing I’d do was pretend to be in a time machine. I might pretend to be invisible to those outside of the dome and give them disapproving looks and mutter horrid things under my breath, all the while being disguised by the dome. But definitely not time travel.