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Overcome 5 Sexual Mismatches for Hotter Sex

Mar 30, 2015

Mismatched socks are tolerable. Mismatched sex is not. Avoid these five common sexual disconnects—and find the right fit with any woman.

1. The mismatch: Her arousal is at a slow burn, but you're raring to go. Sure, women are typically slower than men at becoming sexually amped. "But it actually takes much less time than even women realize," says Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Rig the system: If you reinforce the idea that she's aroused, it may happen more quickly. Tell her you see that her nipples are hard and you feel she's wet. Her brain will signal her body to feel that desire, Haltzman says.

2. The mismatch: You like dirty talk, but she's timid. Just because she's keeping quiet, don't assume she's opposed to sex talk. "A woman may not like to talk dirty because it takes her away from her body and sensations," says Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a New York-based sex therapist and the author of Fearless Sex. "But she might really like it if you talk dirty to her." Feed her lines. While you're teasing her, ask her what she wants you to do next. During sex, ask her what she likes best about how it feels. "In the future, she'll have those phrases on hand," Davidson says.

3. The mismatch: You always make the first move. Women may subconsciously feel they need permission to take the lead, says Patti Britton, Ph.D., author of The Art of Sex Coaching. Casually say, "I wonder what it'd be like if you took the lead tonight. That would really turn me on." Also, realize that any of her casual comments about sex—or anything about either your body or hers—are often subtle requests, Haltzman says.

4. The mismatch: Your number is higher than hers. A big gap in bedroom know-how can make her worry about her performance or about being just another brick in the wall, says Haltzman. In that case, "don't rush in with your whole utility belt of sexual experiences and toys," he says. Face-to-face positions—cowboy (a.k.a. cowgirl), missionary, sitting together on a chair—are best, because they offer her a sense of intimacy and connection. And forget about the Big O at first. Focusing on orgasm only stresses her.

5. The mismatch: The two of you don't measure up. If there's a significant height difference between the two of you, furniture can be your best friend. If she's taller, try lying on an ottoman or a small bench and have her straddle you. That way, she can still have her feet on the ground, Haltzman says, "giving her leverage and flexibility." Or, if you're taller, "try holding her up and pinning her against the wall," says Brian Zamboni, Ph.D., a sex therapist and clinical psychologist at the University of Minnesota.

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