As the old saying goes, “a ski resort with money is kind of like a mule with a spinning wheel– no one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.”

Such was the case last summer when Mt Tomahawk CEO and General Manager, Timothy Farley decided to invest millions in a mountain rollercoaster as yet another reason for guests to visit during the summer months.

Farley was persuaded into building the coaster by a smooth talking salesman, Lyle Steuben. Steuben visited the town of Tomahawk for what he referred to as a “success survey.” He later explained to the ski resort mogul that he’d built alpine coaters in “Steamboat, Vail, and Park City,” adding, “and by golly it put them on the map.”

Sources indicated that Farley was immediately sent into a rage at the mention of his three biggest competitors. Moving quickly on the rollercoaster concept upon seeing the results of the aforementioned survey, the CEO invested $10 million in cash upfront. Steuben followed through on the construction, erecting 40 foot high pylons in the midst of old-growth pine groves to support the track. The CEO has since accused the alpine coaster contractor of extortion.

Farley claims that the financial forecasts based on the success survey were “bogus” and that “nobody wants to ride that stupid coaster.”

“I feel so stupid for thinking that demo ride I took was actually fun. I shoulda just fixed that old chairlift but no– I had to go get a fucking coaster.” – Timothy Farley, Mt Tomahawk CEO and General Manager

When asked about the new coaster one jaded local seemed unsurprised at the decision to build.“When was the last time the resort did something cool that made sense? At this point it’s just an alpine coaster pissing contest.”

*This is a work of satire

(*quotes in the article were re-tooled for skier purposes. They are drawn from The Simpsons, Ep. 12 Season: 4 [Marge vs. The Monorail])