For what it's worth....

I sat here all day contemplating this choice. I knew i wasn't going to log on but I had to decide whether or not to post this. So here goes....

I need a break. i need to walk away from here before it kills me and it eventually will. I don't know how long, for all i know it could be a day, it could be a few days. I just know that i can't keep doing this. I cant keep letting myself get emotionally beat up by coming here. Everytime I read a thread it makes me more depressed, everytime i go into chat I get more depressed, yet some how this site has a sick grasp on me and i can't. I just can't keep coming here and in turn not helping myself. I feel like just drifting...and never coming back and that feeling is not okay.

I am currenty drowning. I feel myself being suffocated. I hate it here. I hate my life. I hate who I am as a person. I looked in the mirror today and i was utterly disgusted. I burst into tears, completely devastated and disgusted with who I am as a person. I treat life with such disregard, with little care about what I do to myself. I come here day in and day out, feeding off the drama, feeding off the negativity and I let it consume me and destroy me.

I have no job, no car, no money, no life. My life is the computer, my life is these 4 walls of my room. I rarely venture outside this hell that i live in. I'm consumed with fear, wondering if I go out what people wiht think of me, what people would say about me. I'm a prisoner and I built it myself. I cut to feel alive then I pop the pills to numb it all. A vicious endless cycle of abuse and secretly i pray that it kills me.

So with that I'm off to do what I need to do....i need to get help.

To a few ppl.

Terry- you know where to find me if needed. thank you for everyything you've done and everything you do.

Jessus-You know where to find me if needed. Stay strong and lub you to bits

Jason- just so you know that email made me smile. thank you :hug:

Rae- love you sweetheart. Im an email away

PreppySpice- you know where to find me if needed:hug: not that it will be needed.

To anyone else...if you need to find me...talk to someone above..they will relay if needed.

I know i havent been around Kells, just logging into msn for a couple hours here and there, but I hope you can find a way to feeling a bit better about life. Its definately not easy, but I think taking a break and making a few small steps would help immensely. I totally think its the right thing to do at this point.

Best of luck with everything, and I hope we can chat again soon. :hug: