Comedian Kurt Braunholer Gives the Sh*ttiest Interview of All Time

Kurt Braunholer doesn’t give a crap about taking a crap. The popular comedian and host of the ‘The K Ohle’ podcast on the Nerdist network is very open when it comes to what goes on behind bathroom doors.

Now, to be fair, we didn’t sit down with Kurt hell bent on discussing all matters fecal. This YouTube clip from his debut album 'How Do I Land?', out today, took the discussion into the toilet.

One hilarious bit about air freshener was the catalyst to discuss all things crappy.

Was there really a can of Fresh Linen Glade in a public restroom?

Yeah, it was in a café, right on top of the toilet.

Are there any public places you won’t use the restroom?

No. I use public bathrooms a lot. My friends refer to me as sort of a “turbo sh*tter.” I’ll take a dump anywhere. I’ve got no problems going and no compunctions about using a public restroom because it happens so often.

Worst public bathroom experience?

I think the worst are always Port-o-Johns. I’ve used Port-o-Johns, and I’ll take it once step farther, I’ve used the portable toilets at Bonnaroo. They are horrific. They are disgusting and decimated and people take a dump, and then trip on acid, and then vomit all over the inside, take another dump and vomit again from smelling their own crap.

That sounds magical.

Actually, I take that back, that wasn’t the worst bathroom I’ve ever seen. It was actually in Coney Island, in the middle of summer, on a hot weekend. One backed up toilet was filled TO THE TOP with excrement and then someone threw a pair of dirty XXXL tighty-whities underwear right on top of the pile. Kind of like “there you go. A perfect whipped cream topping to that disgusting sundae.”

Could any public restroom situation ever surprise you?

What I found very surprising is that many of the worst bathrooms I’ve everwitnessed were Ladies room. Women piss all over the seat because they aren’t looking and really don’t care. Women don’t want to sit down, so they squat and approximate where the bowl is, and just start going. Also, I don’t know why I’m going in so many women’s bathrooms.

Ever been in an incredibly nice restroom?

Yes! I’ve actually been in bathrooms in NY and LA that are nicer than my apartment. I’ve been in restrooms that are BIGGER than my apartment. It’s sad. A room designated to defecate in is larger than the area I’m paying to sleep in.

You recently moved to the West Coast, what does the bathroom in your new place look like?

It’s got a fireplace. I’m not kidding.

Emptying our bowels is a part of life; all creatures do it, yet, humans have this taboo about discussing the stuff that goes on in the bathroom. Why is that?

Actually, it just dawned on me the other day, that I dated a woman for thirteen years and never once smelled her farts or heard or witnessed her take a dump. I don’t know how it was possible. I thought about how insane that is – to never once smell or see her use the bathroom in well over a decade.

So, she never once said, “I have to use the bathroom” she would just disappear?

Maybe that’s why it lasted thirteen years?

Do you find in places with signs that say “NO PUBLIC RESTROOM” that if you ask nicely enough they’ll let you use the toilet?

Yeah, I’ve found that if you ask or you can have that weird exchange where you buy something for like $.35 and then they’ll let you use the bathroom. In those cases I’m usually thinking “you know what, I was going to be nice, but now I’m going to sh*t everywhere out of spite.”

Do you plan ahead for bathroom emergencies?

No, I’m very “live by the seat of my pants” when it comes to taking a dump. I’ll live dangerously. I’ll crap on the side of the road if I’ve got to. Imagine this -- it’s morning in the mountains of California and you’re out getting some exercise. You’re taking a nice hour-long hike up the side of the mountain, and you get to the top, and “oh, man I’ve got to sh*t.” What are you going to do, wait another hour to hike down the mountain? No way. You just find a spot, hang on to a tree for support, and just take a nice dump on the side of a mountain.

How did you wipe yourself?

Leaves, man, leaves!

Kurt Braunholer’s debut album, ‘How Do I Land?’, is available now from Kill Rockstars. Check out Kurt’s podcast ‘The K Ohle’ on the Nerdist network.