Apparently, the theme for the Radio Disney Music Awards this year was “Blondes in Hideous Outfits.”

Carrie Underwood in MSGM

Believe it or not, we’re pretty sure this is the least hideous of the three frocks in this post. We say that so you will be properly prepared as you scroll further. We’re trying to come up with something nice to say about this angry pile of tulle and lips, but just about the only non-scathing commentary we can make is “At least it’s not a neutral shade,” and “It has some personality to it, which is always a pleasant surprise from her.” Damning it with the faintest possible praise.

Kelly Clarson in Balmain

We feel a little bad trashing this dress, because it’s interesting and it takes her well outside her style comfort zone. We want nothing more than to give her positive reinforcement for choosing this look. Unfortunately, we can’t. Reason? Hideosity. None of the design elements really do anything for any of the other design elements. It divides her body up strangely (she looks like she has a pedestal instead of legs) and comes off like an argument in dress form. Kudos for going this route, but it didn’t quite pay off.

Meghan Trainor in Christian Siriano

Sweet Jesus on a breadstick.

Christian, we love you, but there’s no way in hell we can get behind this one. The color and proportions are terrible. She has four boobs and there’s smocking on her sleeves. Every single thing about this wrong.