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If I were a movie reviewer, I think I’d probably spend some of my alone time, say in the shower or on the treadmill, trying to think up witty ways of describing the next really, really horrible movie I might get the opporutunity to review. But I’ve always wondered, how do movie critics know when to roll out their A-stuff? Because there’s always the chance someone will make a worse movie. Seems like you might worry about running out of superlatives (or whatever the opposite of “superlatives” is).

Mr. Director, what you’ve just made is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in your rambling, incoherent movie were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Assuming this is a documentary, the fires of hell seem to have burned off the devils eyebrows while leaving the hair on the top of his head intact. You science types thought you had all the answers; well, explain THAT!!!!

It’s all in the art of snark, Radley. Gotta adjust your zingers to the craptravaganza before you.

Movie: *girl in water* “Help me!”
Me: “Once more, with feeling!”

I dunno. She didn’t look like she was drowning or even TRYING to drown. Could you put a little effort into your accidental death, dear? Ooh, and it’s out in theatres now! Come on, everyone! Let’s go see it!

About 15 seconds in, I started thinking, “HA HA HA HAAA!! Hilarious spoof!!!” But by 30 seconds, it stopped being funny. And then I went to the website, just to see if maybe it WAS a spoof. But no, no such comfort awaited me.

People do make some really bad movies. I saw one called “The Pet” a couple of years ago which was apparently a cautionary tale about not getting involved in BDSM because you might run afoul of international human traffickers who will kill you and harvest your organs. The acting in “C Me Dance” looks better, at least from the trailer.

It’s possible to enjoy these in a certain odd way if you can get yourself into an MST3K sort of mood first. Then watch Barbarella for the second feature.

There’s a difference between “forgettably awful” and “spectacularly, memorably awful” and all sort of things that contribute to both. I’d assume that the latter needs a decent budget, production values, and a big marketing campaign. This movie has all the trappings of a bad 80’s low budget horror flick.

“At one point in this film, a girl is drowning in a lake. She cires out for help. In a good movie you would have hoped for her to be rescued. In a bad movie you wouldn’t really care. With C Me Dance, I actually found myself envying this young girl. I was almost angry at her arrogance of wanting to be saved, when she had a means of ending her life literally all around her. That’s right, I actually, for a fleeting moment, found drowning in a freezing lake a more appealling activity than sitting in the movie theatre.”

Why does the dad say “well this sure is gonna piss off the devil?” Like the devil is his neighbor or the asshole-ish guy in his office. Who says that? Did anyone in Friday the 13th say “this is gonna be a great summer, unless someone kills all the counselors!”

I’ve seen bits and pieces of The Room on YouTube, and from what I gather, it makes C Me Dance look like The Third Man.

Radley, if you should ever decide to do a “Zero Star Friday” entry, you should post Complete’s “Hoogie Boogie Land”; it’s the musical equivalent of C Me Dance… imagine The Shaggs as a Molly Hatchet tribute band.

I liked how the movie was endorsed by Donald Wildmon…one of the idiot leaders of the censorship brigade.

You know, I don’t know what’s more pathetic…the drive by religious wingnut groups (a term I’m not applying to Christians in general, just to be clear) like Wildmon’s to ban movies and books because they realize the only way their lunatic ideas will ever become mainstream is if they bar all other ideas from society, or the tendency of those groups to try and broadcast their ideas and beliefs through some of the most laughable and pathetic films you’ll ever see on the screen.

I imagine that a country run by fundamentalists like Wildmon would probably feature nothing but crappy films, crappy art, and crappy ideas.

The perfect movie for our times, catering to the not-insignificant proportion of Americans who are content to hole up with a shotgun and a transistor radio tuned to Rush Limbaugh as they wait for the non-White storm troopers to round them up for re education and confiscate their earning for the purpose of buying condoms and hypodermic needles for San Franciscans, C Me Dance deftly and effortlessly combines the exploitation of nubile youth with the death of grammar, communication and true emotional connection to create a hellish vision of modern life, one so ghastly that I’d welcome the eyebrow-challenged Satan in the film to take over even if the actor playing him lacks the dramatic gravitas of the late Rodney Dangerfield who was in the similarly themed tho far superior Devil flick “Little Nicky”.

C Me Dance:
$500,000 Budget
Rottentomatoes: not enough ratings yet for an aggregate, but how much worse than 3% can you really get.

C Me Dance is right there with most low budget bad movies. While they are just painfully bad, at least they made said horrible movie for roughly 1% of the budget for Battlefield Earth, while achieving roughly the same quality.

If you see only one movie about a cancer-stricken ballet dancer whose soul is being sought by the Prince of Darkness this year, don’t see this one. See the other movie about a cancer-stricken ballet dancer whose soul is being sought by the Prince of Darkness.

Pinandpuller I spent the last four years out of the U.S. except for the last year in Louisiana which did nothing to endear me to the idea that Louisiana is or should be a part of this country so no, I didn’t have the chance. I did google it tho and it sounds like book was sixteen years ahead of its time.

I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.

OK – here’s a change of pace – here is a very entertaining review for an excellent movie. If you don’t like cursing and sophomoric humor, DO NOT click this link. This of you who are not adverse to such things … what follows is . . . well, you’ll see: