Columns

About 6 months ago our newest television developed strange symptoms. The left side of the 47-inch screen worked perfectly with a sharp clear picture. I could practically see the pores on the actors’ faces. The right side, however, showed vertical, multicolored lines. Granted, the colors of those lines stood out sharp and clear in their blues, greens, browns, and maroons. After half an hour or so, the lines would disappear and the other half of the picture appeared so we could watch television as long as we chose—until we turned it off, of course. Then all our problems started over again.
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February fourteenth of each year marks the culmination of what all of America; retail establishments leading the charge, embraces as the opportunity to display heartfelt expressions of love for one another. Valentine’s Day is the “designated” day when we are told to convey the extent of our emotional connection to those special persons in our lives. Everyone feels obligated to shower that special loved one in their life with flowers, romantic dinners, candy, gifts, etc. The National Retail Federation estimated in January, just two years ago, that Americans spent close to $17.3 billion celebrating love and, though the numbers aren’t readily available at the time of me penning this column, it is believed that amount has marginally increased each year since 2014.
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Quite a few years ago now, I was having surgery during the summer. I couldn’t after all allow my illnesses to interfere with the school year and my job. No teacher can unless it’s a dire emergency. Anyway, a dear friend asked me, “Have you read all of Pat Conroy’s books?”
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So many times since I’ve been writing for The Baxley News-Banner, you, my readers, have stopped me in Wal-Mart or Stan’s or in the post office and said, “Why don’t you do a workshop on writing. I want to write my family’s stories and I don’t know how to start.” Well, I’m doing that very thing this coming weekend in conjunction with Arts Council and the Friends of Caroline Miller. There’s no charge. Space is limited to 15 people, so please sign up in advance by calling 912-278-2772 or emailing applingarts@gmail.com. All ages from 12 up are invited. Don’t be intimidated. No one is being graded or judged by grammar. Far too often we tend to think that writing and grammar are synonymous, but they are not. Far from it. Grammar’s just a tool of the trade.
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The Pentagon reported last week that a U. S. led air strike “likely killed” a significant figure of the ISIS terrorist group. Omar Al-Shishani, multiple media reports claimed, had been fatally wounded when a position held by ISIS endured multiple bombings by both manned and unmanned aircraft on Friday, March 11th near the Syrian town of Al-Shaddadi. It was confirmed two days later by officials in England that he had, in fact, been seriously wounded but not killed.
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I have received many e-mails and calls about the religious liberty bills that have been introduced. I am going to devote this entire article to explain the bills and what they do, where they are in the legislative process, my opinions on them, and the chance of their passage.
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With all the hoopla and senseless bantering floating around concerning perspective candidates in the upcoming presidential election, I’ve tried as much as possible to avoid jumping on the bandwagon and getting caught up in the nonsense as related to politics. Granted, I do intend to vote as that right is afforded every citizen but it will take a little more than a catchy television ad and promises designed to tickle the ear to sway me.
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To my friends in the Legislature (and, yes, you are my friends. Without you, I wouldn’t have a job.)

I will make this brief because I know you are hard at work pushing the Second Amendment rights of hormone-laden college kids (Cue the national anthem) even though you are trampling on my Constitutional right to bring my Red Ryder pump-action BB gun with camouflage stock (The Squirrel Squelcher) into the Gold Dome. Not to mention your tireless efforts to allow me to refuse any left-handed transvestite who crossed our borders illegally and wants to marry a Shetland pony from reading this column. (See why you are my friends?)
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(Writer’s note: I wrote these pieces several years ago, but I’ve had a couple of requests for a rerun. Here they are again. Thanks for asking.)

When I came home from the school the other day, Josh asked me if we had any duct tape. He had seen some show on television that recommended duct tape for wart removal. I’m not sure exactly how it was supposed to work, but what he got in stead of duct tape was the following story detailing what we did for warts in my childhood.
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The result of a recent experience wherein I ended up in the hospital emergency room at midnight ultimately resulted with me seriously questioning the functionality of the FDA. MedicineNet.com defines the Food and Drug Administration as “FDA - a federal agency in the Department of Health and Human Services established to regulate the release of new foods and health-related products.”
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I had intended to provide you with an in-depth analysis of the SEC primary this week but that will have to wait. For one thing, Junior E. Lee, general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Georgia, tells me that he is going to need time to pore over the results. Currently, he is tied up rummaging around in Aunt Flossy Felmer’s drawers looking for fire ants. In addition to being one of this nation’s most highly respected political analysts, Junior is also a certified pest control professional.
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State Representative Greg Morris (R-Vidalia) today commented on the passage of House Bill 859 by the Georgia House of Representatives on Monday, February, 22. This legislation, commonly referred to as the “Campus Safety Act,” protects and expands the 2nd Amendment rights of firearms license holders on Georgia’s college campuses.
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