When Did Nature Get So Whiney?

Hey, get this ... I want to talk about environmentalists. You know, the full-timers. The ones who make their living off it.

You get the feeling this isn't about preservation for them, it's about self-preservation. Some of their stances have now rocketed right past obstinate and into arbitrary.

What about Alaska? Is Alaska just off limits forever? We got Alaska for like four bucks in Mallo Cup (search) money — the Russkies were in yet another vodka stupor, they had no idea what they were doing. We called it Seward's Folly, but now all of a sudden people act like it's Valhalla. Why? Because the caribou (search) live there? Are you kidding me?

I didn't even know what caribou were, so I researched it. Caribou are large North American reindeer. In other words, reindeer who couldn't make the show. We have now given one of the only 50 states we have to a herd of Simu-Bullwinkles!

You know, we have to be more specific about we mean when we say “the environment.” Air quality? Yeah, count me in. Caribou? No. Uh-uh. For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.

When did nature get so whiney? We're not allowed to do anything to nature anymore, except look at it. It's like porn with leaves. And where's this delicate balance I always hear so much about? Every time I watch "Animal Planet," I see a rabid harp seal popping penguins down his gullet like they were maitre d'Tic Tacs. To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged eustachian tube (search).

And then there's global warming. I didn’t even know the details on global warming so I looked it up. There are a lot of vying statistics, but I think the crux of it is the temperature has gone up roughly 1.8 degrees over a hundred years. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? Hey, I'm happy it's gone up. I'm always a little chilly anyway.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids’ kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.