Ello

with the grand jury's decision on eric garner's murderer approaching fast, i'd like to offer my thoughts. let us assume that among all the white police officers who have shot and murdered black men, there must at least be some who feel remorse, some who looked at the man they were about to kill, instinctively thought "thug" (because, after all, that is what we have been conditioned to think when we see black people), pulled the trigger before they had a chance to think, and felt remorse afterwards. after all, shooting someone with a gun is a split-second decision. it's entirely possible to shoot someone and regret it, and simply for the sake of my own sanity, i must assume that there exist good cops who know they made bad decisions, and who regret those decisions.

so let us assume that there are white cops out there who thought "thug", pulled the trigger, and are sorry--for whatever that may be worth.

now let us consider the case of eric garner, a 41-year-old asthmatic man with a wife and 2 children at home. let us consider eric garner coming home and kissing his wife and children good evening and let us consider him reading them books at night and let us consider them, a family, sitting around the table and eating dinner. let us consider eric garner walking on the sidewalk one afternoon.

let us consider eric garner, a 41-year-old asthmatic man in a chokehold, on the ground, a police officer on top of him. let us consider the images of his two children and his wife pressed into the backs of his eyes as he realized he was not going to see them ever again.

let us consider his murderer, hands around a black man's neck, the screams of onlookers ringing in his ears, the fading pleas of the man he was about to kill vibrating in the neck his hands were grasping.

let us consider his murderer, let us consider the complete un-split-secondness of his decision to wrap his hands around a father's neck, a husband's neck, and keep them there until air no longer flowed through it.

let us consider that his murderer had plenty of time to grapple with his conscience in however many seconds (120? 180?) it took for eric garner to be dead. let us consider that his murderer must not be, therefore, sorry--he cannot be sorry, because he had plenty of time to be sorry when eric garner was still alive.

a police officer put his hands around a man's neck and killed him. think about that for a moment.

if eric garner's killer is not indicted, i will have completely lost faith in the american justice system. there can be no justice when black lives are worth less in the eyes of those who uphold the law, when literal murderers walk free

@sylviaplath should i post this on tumblr or is it too long someone beta this for me