Archive for March 2010

Sartre says,"l'enfer, c'est les autres" "Hell is other people", and you usually find them at a Las Vegas buffet line, cutting in front of you for their favorite food---Seconds! Hell is in Montego Bay too.

I owe my solitude to other people, the hell of humanity.

I always have to get my "flak jacket" attitude to run the guantlet of shrapnel and other indirect low velocity half-baked legendary hustlers in this blatent tourist trap that assaults your senses.

At this point, having been there done that, so many times in Jamaica, I am neither engaged or enraged by it all.

Everybody's gotta be somewhere and the hustlers are the raft that I can easily abandon, once I cross the flood.

After the Deluge

I'll tell you what Marley realized.

If you go off into the quiet parts of Jamaica, and get very quiet, you'll come to understand that you're connected with everything...and no, you don't have to do drugs to feel this ---you are drugs!

Tim flys when you're having rum. It's 9am and the guy who took this picture of me and 6-6-6: R-o-n-a-l-d W-i-l-s-o-n R-e-a-g-a-n (no relation to the Anti-christ), was wasted. It could be spring break, but I think he would have been in the 20th grade,

Once again, I shot an Andy Warhol with this piece of work G1 phone. Everywhere is famous in 15 minutes...

To err is Truman...@ The Little Whitehouse...Dylan's Jokerman MTV had this image of Reagan in it.

I have just redefined what it means to be a Vegan--- thanks to a street vendor who curried up some Padi Thai with octopus and shrimp.

We have located the durian smell to this room, please step aside

I'm coo coo for Coconuts--- They are anti-viral, anti-fungal and anti-microbial. I'm up to six a day.The water is the purest liquid second only to water itself. It is full of electrolytes, calcium and magnesium. An average size coconut has more potassium (at about 294 mg) than most sports drinks (117 mg).

Coconut Water has more food value than whole milk; is a Natural Isotonic Beverage - The same level we have in our blood; and, it contains lauric acid, which is present in human mother's milk.

Budweiser may be the King of beers, but Durian is the King Of Fruits. You just can't get fresh Durian in the States, so I have been beasting out on Durian. Developing a taste for this may be an Asian thing, but I love the unusual taste and flavor...the odor is something else ---

Banned in public places such as subways, malls and hotels because it smells like lockeroom socks, it shouldn't stop you. If you are in Thailand, and don't try it, it's like living in America, and never having a slice of bread!

the most spectacular outbreak of mass delirium that you are likely to see

"I travel a lot. Travel means temporary freedom: Detachment, fractional ownership or no ownership at all, trying out new things, no commitments and no obligations, endless new experiences." ER

Khao San UniversityLike Vegas, Thai Me Up, Thai Me Down....what goes in Bangkok, stays in Bangkok, It’s the most spectacular outbreak of mass delirium that you are likely to see. I will,however, let you in on a secret---it's calledถนนข้าวสาร Khao San Road .

Khao San is "a short road that has the longest dream in the world", RPCV, ("the toughest time you'll ever kill") returning Peace Corp volunteers live hand to mouth on their paltry stipend, weeks on end. Khao San Road is a popular destination for 'alumnis' of world renowned institutes of higher learning.

Cowboy Falang, (foreigners) who end up teaching English, if they have a good personality and speak the mother tongue, use these credentials as their meal ticket, or make plane fare back to wherever they are gowing to be picking up their mail.

Zencrafters, instant enlightenment in about 20 minutes or less.

The Edumacation at "Khao San Road University" is dirt cheap. Just spell your name on this piece of paper. They'll print you up a diploma cum laude if you like. No tests.No Books.Noone is turned down. You give them money. They give you a degree. I always liked the idea of reaching my human potential. I just never liked the price tag. At "Khao San Road University" The Price is right Bob, the low flat fee of 3,500 baht about $90 bucks, you can have three or four degrees---University of Texas, UCLA, and throw in a TEFL certificate to fast track your work permit for teaching English. This really pisses a lot of University of Spolied Children (USC) types, and Now Your Unemployed (NYU) defaulting on student loans types. "

" Wow, while you we're working for $22,000 a year at that law firm, I made just as much in six months in Thailand and ______." The real fun comes when they come back to the states, and try to use it to gain a position of trust, lying their way to the top. All the lies will be washed away by the truth, albeit, there is always a degree of suspicion. This is the real cult of the amateur. A"Little Miss Sunshine" moment-you don't really need a degree confered on you to be beautiful!

The whole thing about college being some higher education only experience is ridiculous. "What's your major? Vodka,now that's a major, with a minor in Beer. Excellent, the Grail!, Nacho. I know a lot of workaholic in college, mention the word work and all they wanted to do is get drunk. Let's get real.You have to know when to quit and try again later. That's what's so endering about the Backpackers, "stopping out" for a while, chilling.I undersdtand their logic: Why go through all the bother it takes to get a degree from an accredited institution? Diplomas from those same schools can be bought for $30 bucks.No one is turned down.

Cowboy English teachers, who quit school to travel around the world, or for whatever reason just didn't dig school, and buy these"non-traditional" degrees, I have no beef with (as long as they don't "enroll" at Kha San University and "become" a Dentist)-

A machine says “I was only following orders. It only does what it was programmed to do. That's walking the painted line, finishing school. Beasting out on degree and transcripts has replaced stamps and coin collecting as the hobby of choice for the Lonely Planet crowd. Although I couldn't find a hazmat Truckers card, this makes Alverado Avenue's Downtown Los Angeles, with its cheap green cards, fake SSN#'s and California Driver's license look like kindergarten.

The British Virgin Islands isn’t Nordstrom's, but I’m sure Andy’s soul was there today. as my G1 Google camera phone was possessed by these water-colred painted effects.So I rented a bike and got out of dodge, ..."Driving from the left side of the brain".

AND

I Shot Andy Warhol

The Warhol has taken over my G1 Google Phone. Just gonna point and shoot. Here in the British Virgin Islands, as Andy's "magic eye" records

Reflecting on the year 2007 in Hawaii when the law of attraction was in play,about three years ago to date...

"There are some days when I think I'm going to die from an overdose of satisfaction."

God made the world, but it's held together with duct tape.

Honolulu Duct Tape Sighting!

I was stuck in afternoon traffic at Aloha Towers, when the engine cut out on my SAAB 900.

I pulled over, as the Japanese tourists enjoying their surf and sun "brain dump" looked on in awe as Adolfus,The Beast started smoking. Would there be life after luau for these temporary colonists, Team Abunai! That's what they were screaming "Danger" in Nihongo.

I opened the hood. The battery was on fire, and the cables were melting! This was not on the packaged tour---But Inspector Travelers were about to get an even bigger show when I pulled out the ultimate power tool and made Aloha graduates of them all...Let me splane...The Honolulu Fire and Police came on the scene instantly, complete with 4-year varsity letters, Portuguese last names and healed acne scars. Spot on Guys! I was expecting Steve and Danno but due to the current Writer's Guild strike, couldn't make the trip.

It was a Code Marshmallow. The fire burnt itself out. That didn't stop the tow truck from hooking me up. I waved him off. Itold him I would do it like John Cruz sings, " Island Style".... Da Kine, Hawaiian slang for "whotsis", "thingummebob" or "watchamacallit.

Auto meat grinder chop shops don't like Da Kine solutions, unless of course they are billing you for them.---I did not, however, give in to the urge of paying too much for things that comes with a side of Polynesian paradise.

Er, let me do the math, tow charges, plus mileage to Haleiwa's North Shore, parking fees, throw in Uncle and Auntie doing the repair. Sure I could drink, fight, laugh and love with the best, even get a tribal tattoo, but pay "Ohana" family prices, never.

I found it easier to speak and do the math in Hawaiian..because I only know like four words. One of them is Da Kine! the all purpose DIY solution.

Props to HPD who said the land yacht had to be towed, unsafe at any speed. I had other plans---A can of whoop asss---the essential tool for everything that life throws at you, duct tape...After all, this is no ordinary moter vehicle---It's a SAAB.

There are now 1000 and 2 things to do with er, is it duct or duck, tape!Oh you know, the 100-MPH adhesive.

Here's to you Sweden, maker of the safest cars on the planet, and, The Ministry of Duct Tape and High Voltage, the Duct Tape Evangalists, and the crew at Henkel Consumer Adhesives and Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing, Co. (3M) who make the stuff for Wallet-bearing Americans like we who lack the patience, skill and dough to fix stuff right.

#9 And did we tell you the name of the game, boy We call it Riding the Gravy Train.

#10 Ed Reif, former NYU classmate of Alec, and Starter for Team Baldwin, votes for Starbucks today, where life changes instantly, as he drinks from a paper cup.

Honorable Mention

#1 Regular-- Kissing a stingray while being filmed in Grand Cayman Islands Extra Crispy- Going out old school Steve Irwin Style-Being fatally pierced in the chest by a stingray barb while filming in GB Reef

#2 Eminem has 8 Mile, Bob Marley, the small village of 9 mile... Bob,just sMILE.