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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Last night I hit the gym and tried to run a little bit. It's been about 5 days since I really have done any real mileage, and I thought maybe, just maybe my knee would have been healed. I am so frustrated with this slow healing process. Alas it wasn't long before my right leg felt like a bag of concrete and pain. Hahaah ok maybe I am being a little melodramatic. It will happen though. It has to. I will get better. After the run I lifted some free weights and then went for a swim.

Free weights are so much more rewarding than any machine ever has been. I am pretty stinking proud of the fact that I am often the only girl on the free-weight side of the gym, and that I know what I am doing. There is no substitute for free weights because they work through a full range of motion. Recently I read an article that said that one of the reasons why women don't lose weight as fast as men is because men emphasize weight training and muscle building more, while women focus strictly on the cardio.

The swim after lifting weights was wonderful. In the pool I was able to hit my cardio sweat. It was nice, and the truth is that I can feel my swimmer muscles coming back, which is really nice. This whole workout I focused on the IM which is a combination of all of the strokes. . My favorite stroke is the butterfly stroke. It is considered the hardest, most taxing stroke in swimming. It's kind of funny how no matter how hard I try and make it about the running, I am always coming back to the swimming. The swimming really is my bread and butter.

What else???? Life is good. Love is good. It's all really good. Still it will be nice to get back to some normality.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Every Portlander knows that when the cherry trees start to blossom spring has arrived. My beautiful rainy city, is still a little grey, but the city of roses has begun to bloom. It is a vanity of the city, its not like cherry trees grow naturally in asphalt. The city plants them, nurtures them, and every year they bring in new beginnings. This time of year is an intermission between the wet season and the dry hot season. It is a time where peace is made, and the weariness of rain begins to leave.

I can't wait for when my knee is healed. I will ride the max downtown one early Sunday morning, and run the districts. I will crisscross the bridges, that divide the city, and unite it at the same time. I will run the waterfront, and watch as the seagulls scatter. I will run from Chinatown, to the Pearl District, to the up and coming Alberta Arts district. I love how many flavors my city has. I love how clean it is, and hope that it will smell of cherry blossoms, and the sweetness of fresh rain.

This fantasy of mine is what keeps me going. Ever since I became a Portlander 5 years ago, I have wanted to be one of those strong sexy women I would see running, while I sat inside my car drinking my coffee. I don't know, I envied them, and the way in which they experienced the city. Soon I will be one of them.

Friday, March 25, 2011

I may not be perfect, and I definitely don't know everything there is to know about working out, lifting weights, and eating healthy. But.........I have been lifting weights for ten years, and have taken several classes on the subject. I know enough to be stupid. Still I can't help but watch how others work out and be Judgie McJudgerson. So I am going to judge and be horrible. Please don't judge me for being judgie (which isn't even a word so the judging can start there).

I hate when:

1. People don't sweat at the gym. You are doing something wrong if you don't sweat. Bring some intensity to the table. Get sweaty, stinky and ugly.

2. Women who put on their makeup, and their push up bras before hitting the gym. Maybe I am just jealous because they manage to look so good, while I am just a total mess.

3. Men who lift with their backs. (Ok so women do this to, but its mostly men). You know the type, the guy that sidles up to the bench, puts on too much weight, and when they lift, arches their back super high. What never ceases to amaze me is that I have seen everyone from scrawny teenage boys do this to heavily muscled me who should and probably do know better.

4. Bad form in general annoys me. This is a little elitist of me because the truth is that even if someone is doing it wrong, at least they have the balls to put themselves out there and try and do it.

5. Overweight men who do nothing but sit in the steam room/ sauna. These guys usually don't workout, they just alternate. Somehow they must think they can sweat their weight off. You know the irony is that people are supposed to use those rooms to help alleviate the buildup of lactic acid, but I have read that it actually hinders the body's muscle building process. Finally, it's hard for me to sit in those rooms with those men. I don't know they make me uncomfortable, and although it may be untrue I feel as if I am being undressed.

6. People who drink pop, before, after and/or during a workout. Really? It dehydrates you, is full of sugar and defeats the purpose.

7. Middle aged suburban moms who want to lose weight, come to the gym, plug into a TV or a magazine, and walk slowly on the treadmill. I don't know, I watch T.V when I run, but I still am running with some intensity. I feel that if you are not present in your workout you will never lose weight.

8. People who say they can't afford a gym membership, but still manage to purchase their 5 dollar cup of coffee while they are telling me this. Lame. Just be honest, just say I would rather have my mocha every morning instead of a monthly gym membership. Its ok. Its what I and everybody else is already thinking.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

It is kind of hard to believe but my husband has spent almost two years at war. So these two weeks that I have with him before he leaves for another 4 months are precious. Still yesterday I kept my promise and hit the gym. Greg goes to sleep really early because he is still kind of on Afghanistan time. So while he slept I swam, worked the elliptical, and lifted weights. Its stupid but even leaving him while he is sleeping feels like a huge sacrifice. You know the last couple of days has made me realize that loving yourself, and putting yourself first is hard. Still I wouldn't stop brushing my teeth, or washing my hair. No matter what you have to put yourself first.

So today my promise to myself is to eat healthy. Greg has been pushing me to eat fatty foods, because that is what he is eating. He thinks I am beautiful and doesn't want me to deprive myself, and so he pushes me to eat insanely bad food. Still I don't feel good afterwards and honestly, the food we have eating has really felt like a burden and not a treat. So for the next to days I am going to eat raw, and eat clean so that I cleanse the crap out of my system. Its not easy to make these promises, but still I feel like I have to in order to maintain my autonomy, and keep my self respect.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Ok so here is the deal. I have been on a drug. It is powerful, hardcore and has immediate gratification. My drug is more powerful than prozac, more effective than viagra, and better for you than vitamin C. And.....I am off my drug. What is this powerful medication that I am on. Its the workout drug. Hahaha cute right. No I seriously need my workout drug. I wake up every morning and I am like Greg I need to workout. My husband wraps his arms around me and says, "oh baby how can you leave me? Is it really that important?" As I write this I have to say I am jonesing, but not in the normal way an addict like me joneses. No I feel fat, ugly, soft, and a little moody. Today when my husband looks at me and says, "Baby don't leave me," I am determined to say, "honey I love you. Let me have this one." For the most part I am going to do it for me, but a little part me is going to do it for him because I know that I am much better to be around after a good sweat.

Monday, March 21, 2011

My husband is in town for just two weeks. I can't tell you how hard it is to go for a run or hit the gym while he is home. He won't go running with me and he won't go to the gym. I don't blame him. I understand. Still last night I went to the gym and I couldn't hit my sweat, all I wanted to do was go home and crawl back in bed with him. It doesn't really help that I have been battling an injury in my left knee. I know I need to stop running and swim this week. I know I need to give it time to heal.

Anyways, I know that this journey is about patience, persistence, and continue to stay dedicated to building and rebuilding my strength. Meanwhile I am going to enjoy the short sweet amount of time I have to crawl into bed with my husband.

Friday, March 18, 2011

My hair is freshly dyed, my nails are painted red, and I have 200 dollars worth of new sexy lingerie in my closet. My sheets are washed, and all of our clothes have been laundered. Candles have been bought, the fridge has been stalked and all of my friends know that I am going Awol. In a little less than 24 hours I will see my husband again for the first time in 7 months. I am not one to talk to much about my husband. I try and keep what is between him and I private. Still, and maybe it is inappropriate to say here, but I am so very nervous to see him. Something has changed inside of me. A light has come on. The life that he and I shared seems so very far away.

Sunday will mark our anniversary, and the truth is that in the almost 4 years we have been together, he will have been gone for 3 of them. It all seems so surreal. Still I have a found a light, a happiness that I didn't know could exist inside me day in and day out. It doesn't come from a man, school, or family. It doesn't come from what other people think about me, or my physical appearance. It is just this strength, this feeling of self worth that has unfurled and become a part of me. Life is good!

Truthfully I am incredibly scared. I know he is going to step off that plane and I will love him. Still in 2 weeks I will lose him again, and it is the most painful experience in the world to send someone you love to war over and over agin. I don't want to go back to that pain. I don't want to start over again.

Sometimes you just have to cling to the strength that you have found, and that courage that exists in loving someone. I just hope it will all be ok. I hope that the new people that we have become can love together in deeper more wonderful ways than we ever have.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Running demands a massive amount of oxygen and produces a vast amount of heat. According to my treadmill and online calorie counters, one mile of running burns off approximately 110 calories which is about 460 joules of energy. One pound is 3200 calories and that means that I would have to run a little over 31 miles to burn off 1lb. Kind of mind blowing if you think about it. This is why the combination of caloric restriction and exercise is imperative to a weight loss program. I mean this is the plain science behind weight loss. Yeah it gets a lot more complicated, but here it is. The good news is that if you modify your diet and cut out 600 calories, that is 6 miles you don’t have to run!!!! Yeah if it were only that simple right?

My initial reaction to this research was wow 31 miles is a long way to go to burn a pound. How does anyone lose weight? The thing is that weight loss is enigmatic, and it’s not as simple as a little bit of mathematics. It would almost be nice if losing weight, putting the miles down, and cutting calories was all a nice tidy equation. Sometimes losing weight feels like believing in God.......You just have to find some faith!!!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Yesterday was yet another frustrating day of running. Breaking my body into the rhythm of longer distance runs is really agrivating. I just want to run but I am struggling with the bursa sacks in my knees. Last month I injured my right knee, and this month I am struggling with the left knee. I go and workout, but there really is only so far I can go. Icing and hot-tubing are the only prescription that a girl can hope for. I am thinking that I need to just hit the elliptical for the next couple of days, give my knee time to heal, and get my distance on that way. I hate the elliptical, give me a good long run any day, but whatever. You got to do what you have to do.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Happiness is a flat dirt road that stretches into the rolling eastern oregon hills. It is a pair of running shoes that have about 100 miles on them with 250 more to go. Happiness is being able to wake up in the arms of the one you love and not having to actually get up. It is having a running partner, and not a running nemesis. Well I guess sometimes they are the same thing. Happiness is fickle, it is always changing. When I think about those moments where I have been most happy, they are usually quite moments. Little epiphanies that wash over me and then are gone. They are moments where I realize how lucky I am. Isn't ironic that unhappy moments usually involve someone giving something negative too much power, and not empowering the positive.

What is happiness? What is love? What is sadness? What is perfect? What is success? What is family? What is life? What is good? These are all things that i am constantly thinking about.

Sometimes I worry that if i were to disappear, if I were to end, that the people I care about the most wouldn't know how much I love them, how much I would give to make everything alright for them. I don't know there are just some days where life feels so short. I think I have been very lucky in my friends, my teachers, my lovers, and everyone in between. I just worry that they don't see themselves the way I do. I mean of course they don't, but it just seems sometimes like I draw people to me that don't realize their own beauty/ their own power. Sometimes I think that being happy involves realizing your own worth. Most of the people around me take themselves for granite because they are so busy giving and giving.

Where I am going with this I don't know......To the gym I guess...where it all is more clear.

Lately I have been feeling like I don't run enough to have a running blog. LOL...I think that when you start to get into running you become part of this strange chain of associations meaning that you always know a bigger fish. You always know somebody who runs way more than you do. I ran 19 miles injured last week, the week before 30 miles. My friend ran 60 last miles and her husband doubled that, and I am sure that he knows somebody that runs even more than he does. It kind of makes my mileage look like a walk around the block. Still normal people always seem impressed. That being said I really don't feel like I am working out enough. I have been injured and I was 10 miles short of last weeks goal. Plus I haven't hit my weekly yoga workout nor my weight training goal. But....I did hit my weight loss goal for the week.

Greg in Colorado

So I don't know here are my goals for the next week

Run 30 miles (Either)
-5 days of 6 miles (or)
-6 days of 5 miles

Lose at least 1lb
3 cross training days

I have some added incentive, which is that my husband is coming home from Afghanistan for two weeks. So on one hand I want to look good, but I also don't want to get sidetracked by his homecoming. I figure that if I start his visit off right than I can maintain while he is here. In the past my husband has been a horrible influence on my body. He thinks I am beautiful no matter what, and he is just naturally skinny. He has those good skinny genes that enable him to eat like a 300lb man, but only weigh 165 at 6'. When he is home it is hard to not put on weight, because I am around someone who is constantly eating, and who doesn't like to workout for fun. Still its going to be wonderful to have him home, maybe I can coax him to go for a run with me. :)

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Every fat girl has the same dream when she is heavy. She dreams of being weightless. She dreams of being able to run. She wonders what it is like to be weightless, to float, to have your body be so lithe that each step is effortless. Of course she has this dream, and says what the hell and tries to run. But..... being fat she can't. She is easily tired, and her own weight holds her down. Where skinnier girls just seem to bounce in some god given dance, the fat girl heaves against her body.

Its kind of funny that I had this dream like every fat girl, lost some weight, and yet still have this dream. I mean I am always thinking, gosh imagine how fast I would be if I could just lose 10lbs. If anything I dream about it more than when I was heavy. I want to be like those people whose every muscle is efficiently carved, and do not have to log around anything of excess. It's stupid, I am smaller then most, I should just be happy with what I have got. Still when you run you kind of obsess about not being weighed down by anything.

You try and shed everything: weight, unhealthy relationships, bad habits, and dark thoughts. I like the profound freedom that I am beginning to find in my own body.

Friday, March 11, 2011

There are some days when all I want to do is run away. I am not quite sure what I am running away from. To be honest I always feel a little hesitant to really commit. I have a pattern its hard to own up to. I find something good, and it is always a little overwhelming and sometimes a little boring. My gift, my curse is that I can walk away, and I usually do. When I turn around to come back its all gone. Not everybody can do that. Seriously, it takes a lot of balls. Its kind like jumping without checking your parachute. Still I like all of the women I have been, all of the people I have met, the moment of escape, and even more profound, the point of freedom.

Still I just want to say that running away is a lot like running everyday. Somehow you always end up back at the same spot. I mean I have now gone almost 250 miles since I started this blog. I haven't quite calculated it, maybe a little more maybe a little less. The point is that I have ran all of these miles and I am still in the same place. Maybe thats the answer. Maybe this is how I stop running, how I stay in one place. Maybe I have always stayed in one place, even though the scenery and the people changed. Isn't that funny. Maybe its not where you go on the outside, but on the inside instead.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Yesterday I went for a run in the rain. My plan was to run 5 miles on the track, this is 20 laps. With running it is all about the mind games you play with yourself. So I I counted down from 20 which became 19 then 18 and so forth. When I hit ten laps I wasn't like, "oh I am only half way done", I was like, "yeah, I only have 10 more laps".

Somewhere along the way I got really wet. I mean my shirt was soaked, I had to take my headband off because it was like a wet rag, and my leggings were just drenched. I don't know how it happened. This is kind of horrible, but I loved it. It was kind of like running naked. Oh my gosh the things we say on the internet.

I am so excited to hit my 60 miles in two weeks mark. After looking at my attackpoint log I realized that this really would be a step up on the mileage chart. Kind of cool!!!!!!!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Lately I have been thinking about music. Music has become an essential part of my running. I put on my mp3 player and just drift away like my legs don't even exist....... My roommate says that music is a form of electricity and I think he is right, and our bodies are conduits for music. I like the feeling of music inside me, especially when i am exercising, and my heart is beating fast and my lungs are struggling. It's like the music just plugs me into a whole new network of energy.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Today was a good day. It was a perfect, greyless day. The roads were a little wet, but it only made them shine brighter. Usually it feels like 3 o'clock rolls around and it goes dark. Not today. Today people were out running on the roads in their shorts. I don't know, it was just wonderful, to feel like the grey days of fall and winter were beginingto fade away, and that spring was right around the corner.

I looked good today to. I mean I had an interview downtown. So I donned my professional black dress, my little black tights, and kitten heels. Tall and skinny and sleek; with my hair pulled back, and my freshly manicured nails painted red for courage. I wish I could always look this brave, and happy.

When I got back to the house after my interviews, there was an interview request in my email. I would be working in Denver for the Boys and Girls Club. My heart sank a little, and it was this moment where I realized that I don't want to leave Oregon. Imagine that. How strange.

Life is good here at sea level. I ran away from Portland once, and now that I have made myself right with it, I don't know if I can leave. Truthfully I have a lot here, and I don't want lose what I have gained back again. That is kind of scary, it makes me feel old, to know that there is a quiet part of me that for the first time in my life doesn't want to leave.

Tomorrow, I would like to hit the gym, lift some weights, and run 5 miles. If I hit my workout goals this week I will have run 60 miles in 2 weeks. Kind of cool. Right?

Below is this song that is on my mp3 player that I love, that reminds me of Portland, and how much this city means to me.

What a night for a dance, you know I'm a dancing machine
With a fire in my bones and the sweet taste of kerosene
I get lost in the night so high I don't want to come down
To face the loss of the good thing that I've found

In the dark of the night I could hear you calling my name
With the hardest of hearts I still feel full of pain
So I drink and I smoke and I ask you if you're ever around
Even though it was me who drove us right in the ground

See the time we shared it was precious to me
But all the while I was dreaming of revelry

Born to run, baby run like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind in my back I don't ever even bat an eye
Just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart
But the demon and me were the best of friends from the start

So the time we shared it was precious to me
All the while I was dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry

And I told myself boy away you go, it rained so hard it felt like snow
Everything came tumbling down on me
In the back of the woods in the dark of the night
Paleness of the old moonlight everything just felt so incomplete

Dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry

Monday, March 7, 2011

When I was a little girl my father had a dirt bike. He would take me and my brother for rides on it on the blm land behind our house. My favorite picture of he and I, is of me sitting up front on the bike with him as we are going down a hill. I have this little girl white blonde hair, and a huge smile on my face. I remember when this picture was taken, and I kept saying to him "faster daddy faster".... I was fearless. I had no concept of pain, or loss. All I knew was I was with my daddy and he would protect me from anything and everything.

Somewhere along the way I lost that innocence, and I miss it. Now I think that my 20's have been about building self reliance, so that I can be just as confident in myself as I was in my father when I was 4 years old. For me the way in which I do this is by facing my fears, my insecurities, and my doubts. Lately, I have been putting myself out their, both professionally and personally. I have been knocking on doors, and making phone calls that scare me. And you know there is a lot of rejection out there. I mean there are some relationships that I will never ever be able to make right, there are some companies who I will never be able to coordinate with, and often my days seem of full of people saying no. Still its all about the yeses. Those yeses are precious, and they make all of the rejection inadequate.

Me getting in the plane in Texas

Last year my brother and I went sky diving. I am deathly afraid of heights, but we did it. We jumped out a small little plane that looked like it was better suited for dusting crops then holding people. I mean the window of the door we went out of wouldn't close, and the whole plane felt like it would come apart....Lucky for us we had parachutes. Anyways, I am deathly afraid of heights, but I jumped and my parachute opened. For a moment I was once again that fearless little girl who could do anything. I was really happy in that moment, and although my father was not there, my brother wrapped his arm around me and we shared in the exhilaration together.

Today I am going on a 5 mile run, and although it is not as extreme as sky diving, I feel empowered none the less by it. I think that everybody should do something like running, that helps them face their fears and weaknesses. I think everybody should have a practice that helps them build their confidence, and redefine themselves in terms that defy their fears and inequities. A small daily practice, that is both humble and yet difficult at the same time.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Sometimes it feels like you can only say so much about running. I mean I went out there, I ran and then I was done. Why do I do it? Because I like to redefine myself in terms of strength, health, and emotional sobriety. Plus its cheap. Hahaaha if you don't count my growing obsession with workout gear. Its a good outlet.

But what else can I say?????

Back to the running.
This week I ran 30 miles
Next week I will run another 30 miles.
I did not meet my two pound weight loss goal. Maybe next week. Truthfully I really didn't try that hard on this one. I have been eating too much sugar and well it is what its is. The weirdest thing is its Jellybeans. I have never, ever had a thing for jellybeans, and now I want them all the time. I mean I didn't gain weight and i didn't lose weight..Got to kick the Jellybean habit. lol

Saturday, March 5, 2011

I have been reading Stiff, a book by Mary Roach, about cadavers. Even as I say this I know that this sounds creepy, but the thing is that its a very good read, that is funny, and very sobering at the same time. What I keep getting out of it, is that life is fleeting, our bodies are constantly in a state of change. We are all rapidly moving towards death, and life is always temporary. I think that if I were to die today, I would have lived a full life. I mean I have loved completely, I have lost completely, I have been thin, and fat. I have traveled, and I have been hardened by my lessons. I have been a young girl, and an old woman. I have been given incredible gifts, and have surrendered much. Still, maybe it is naive to think that I have lived a full life.

Roach talks a lot about how certain forces act on the body, such as time, oxygen, bacteria, and environmental forces. It is actually kind of amazing how malleable our physical selves are. We forget how fragile we are. I am fascinated by how my body changes, how it waxes and wanes. Fat turns to muscle, and muscle gives way to fat. My face was soft, and now the bones protrude out in interesting angles. What was once lean, is now soft, what was once just skin, now has substance. It is a constant struggle to recognize all of these places I have been as being beautiful..... Yet you have to.

Friday, March 4, 2011

I have young girl hair. It is deceptively long, and when I put it in a ponytail it goes all the way down past my shoulders. When I run it sways against my back, and below my neck. You know people think that I am strong, and I am always the one that others rely on. My hair is a contradiction to that. When I run I bundle it up, binding it in place so that it doesn't get in the way. Still, it always manages to come lose, one strand at a time. I always feel like a piece of me is about to come undone, for all the world to see. This is what having long hair is like, and why women feel at their most vulnerable when they let their hair down, and let it hang in a way so that almost anybody can touch it, if they really wanted to.

But....I bind my hair up tying it to the back of my head, and I run. All anybody ever sees is my strength. This is all I ever want anybody to see.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Today was a good day. I got to see a friend, we went shopping for lingerie, and I went for a 5 mile run. After reading some of my posts I realized that I come across a little whiny at times. Screw that. The reality is that I am blessed, and grateful, and happy.

Life is good. I recently made up with one of my dearest friends, I live in a beautiful city, and my friend who has cancer is miraculously surviving. I do struggle with Greg's deployment, and the utter loneliness of being a military wife. I miss having my partner to wake up to and go to sleep with. I wish he was here, and I wish I could talk to him all of the time. There are so many things that I wish I could share with him. Still, he is not here, and I have used running to cope. Even in this though there is a blessing, because I am growing, and learning every day how to be an autonomous woman. I feel that our marriage can only be strengthened as I am strengthened.

Today at the gym I kept catching glances of myself in the mirror. Yeah this body is not perfect, but it is strong and capable. What an incredible gift. I don't know, I think that as women we have to honor our bodies and fortify ourselves in exercise. We are not designed to be sedentary,apathetic, creatures who do not engage with the outside world. We are made for hardship, and conflict, and transformation.

This may sound strange, but in the last couple of months I have realized my own limitations, my own mortality, and how fleeting the lives of my fellow travelers are around me. I just want to fight for what is worthwhile in this short time in which we have to live, be honest in my relationships, and be true to my loved ones.

See how running helps me cope...the natural endorphins must alter my perceptions so that I am more perceptive to emotional growth, and maturity. Cool huh!!! Maybe this is runners high.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Yesterday I ran 6 miles, and for the first time it felt really good. It was a grey windy day, and the rain was so cold it was bitter against my skin. The track was filled with water which made running a little difficult. Still somehow one lap turned into two laps, and they multiplied out in front of me. The worst part was my hands and how cold they got. Yet it was worth it to escape the treadmill and feel the world around me. I kept expecting to feel that tell tale ache in the back of my leg, but nothing....I was free. That really is how I felt....free....confident....strong.....and complete.... No matter what I do, or where I go, no one can take away this self respect that I have found here night after night on the track, and on the treadmill.

Now down to running business. I called Denise and we tentatively designed my week. Here is the plan:

Just to put it out there, I would like to be lighter. Right now I weigh 147, and am 5'11". I wear a size 6. Still, I am going to put it out there that I need to lose 10lbs total for right now. This week, I need to drop down to 145.

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About Me

I am a 24 year old, recent grad living in Portland Oregon. This year I have committed to running, eating healthy, and losing weight. I challenge you to do the same. I think that this year is the year that I will fall in love with running!!!!!!! You can friend me on facebook here: