SSHS: I’m dating a daddy’s girl

A reader writes:

Help, I’m dating a daddy’s girl. my girlfriend of a year has an overprotective father. I dealt with it in the beginning and he and I get along pretty good. For our anniversary, my girlfriend had been dropping hints like crazy that she wanted a new coach purse. Being the good boyfriend I am, I bought it for her. Well turns out her father also picked up on the hints, bought it for no reason, and gave it to her before I could. mine went back to the store and I had to find something else to wow her with.

Her dad pays her rent, car payment and they talk everyday on long phone conversations. she’s 25 and has a full time job. I’m not trying to be a jealous boyfriend and its weird to say im jealous of her pops but its getting to the point where I don’t think I have much of a point being in this relationship.

How can I get past feeling like her dad is always trying to one up me and should I talk to either one of them (or both) about it?

She said: Whoa, daddy. “I don’t think I have much of a point in being in this relationship.” You know you’re not her dad, right? Her father pays her bills, but it doesn’t mean that if he stopped, you would take over…or would you?

I don’t think it’s a big deal her dad pays her bills. I mean, I’m sure she’s banking more money with her full-time job since her rent and car payment are taken care of. Maybe you enjoy some of the results of that extra cash in the form of dining out, maybe a weekend trip here and there — or maybe a really great anniversary gift? Speaking of…

I can understand the weirdness regarding the Coach bag (why didn’t she take her father’s bag back?), and the long daily conversations with her father. I’m sure you feel as though she’s turning to another man – dad or not – for things she should be turning to you for. But, then again, if someone was paying my bills for me, they’d be #1 in many ways, too.

You clearly care about this woman (you’ve been dating for a year). Maybe you even love her. So, I’ll tell you that I think you’re completely overreacting. It’s her father. He’s the man who raised her to be the person you want to be in a relationship with. So yeah, he’s pretty important in her life (and finances). So, work on your relationship with him. Show him you’re capable of taking care of his little princess and maybe once he feels confident in that, he’ll take a few steps back.

Maybe he’ll even grow to love you enough to take on your car loan, too. Bonus!

He said: Are you sure you’re dating a daddy’s girl? Are you sure it’s not a spoiled brat you’re dating? Obviously, her full-time job doesn’t pay enough to meet her standards as to how she should live and what she should drive, so her father jumps in to pick up the slack. And to what end? If you marry her and cannot afford to give her the lifestyle she deems herself worthy of, her father will be there to make sure her ideals are satisfied. Or worse, some other guy. That’s a ticket to stress and anxiety beyond what any man should have to deal with.

The phone conversations are really a non-issue. Depending on circumstances, one could even overlook the fact that she is living on her own without enough money to do so, but the deal with the purse should be all you need to know about what kind of person you have here. She’s openly hinting about it in front of both of you, and why? To guarantee that one of you gets it for her. She doesn’t care where it comes from as long as she has it. This all adds up to a girl that is not self-sufficient, living outside her means, and is probably manipulating both of you. The three qualities everyone looks for in a partner.

My suspicion is that this is only the tip of the iceberg. Unfortunately, it can take us a long time to see how deep and destructive one can be. I hate that you come across as unsure of yourself, but that can happen when you are so desperate to please someone who isn’t even paying attention, so I’ll give you a pass there. But, you have to bring yourself to talk to her about it. Her reaction will tell you everything about what you need to do next.

I’m with Joe on this one. While I am a Daddy’s girl, Daddy does not pay for every single thing I own. That’s what my job is for. Being a Daddy’s girl should be about having a good relationship with your dad, not necessarily the fact that he pays for everything. I like knowing my dad will do anything for me if I ask him to, but that doesn’t mean I’m actually going to ask. The phone conversations shouldn’t really be an issue. I talk to my dad on the phone every night too because I don’t see him everyday.

If the girlfriend is acting like this now, then she’s going to be dependent on Daddy for the rest of her life. That means even when you two are married with children. She’ll probably talk him into paying your mortgage. A line has to be drawn somewhere.

On second thought, no. This girl isn’t interested in him…he’s just a person to bring around. This guy knows this, but he’s staying with her because…let me guess…she’s incredibly hot, and he’s not sure when another of her particular caliber will come along.

I’m with Joe on this one. A 25 year old woman with a full time job whose father is paying her rent and car payment? Even I’m not that spoiled.

She’s not learning to live on her own – which means if Dad ever does stop paying those bills, she’ll immediately look to someone else. Trust me, you do not want to be the first place her eyes settle when that day comes.

Also, if Dad’s paying her bills, he has way more influence over her life and decisions than your average 25 year old. And if that keeps up, and your relationship gets more serious – he’ll have that influence over your life, too.

I agree with Joe; this isn’t a Daddy’s Grils as much as a Spoiled Brat. Your dad pays your rent eventhough you have a full time job and are 25? How pathetic and greedy. Grow up princess!
Yes, you will be expected to cover all of her bills if you stay in this relationship long term.

If she is 25 and has a full-time job her father should not be paying her bills. It’s a huge deal that daddy dearest is paying all of her bills. How anyone could find that normal in any way is beyond me. It’s ludicrous.

I’m with Joe a billion % on this one! She is one hell of a spoiled brat.

I am always going to be Pop’s little girl but there comes a point when enough is enough. I suggest moving on not because of the calls or the purse incident, but the fact that this 25 year old woman is still allowing her father to pay her bills. Do you really want to conintue a relationship with an individual that cannot buck up and tell Daddy-O “thanks but no thanks?”

Amanda replies:
I don’t know. I have a hard time believing the boyfriend doesn’t enjoy the perks of his girlfriend’s father paying her rent/car payment and who knows what else. I also have a hard time with warning him to move on.

We always tell people they knew what they were getting into when they started a relationship with a controlling person, a violent person, etc. — how is this any different? He knew her daddy spoiled her. And, he clearly cares for her — they’ve been together for a year. So, warning him to move on from a situation he chose to get involved in seems silly.

I agree that she is indeed spoiled and that it could cause some issues in their relationship. But, I think we have far to little information to advise one to drop her. Relationships are about discussing “the issues”. He should talk to her about this. Tell her what makes him feel uncomfortable and then take it from there …

My initial thought is this is a younger man desperately trying to please a slightly older woman. If you’re 22 buddy, chalk it up to life experience, enjoy any perks that you might get from the extra income and when you finally grow a pair get out of this disastrous relationship. If you’re older than 25/26 then you’re getting exactly what you deserve I hope you spend the rest of the time trying to please someone who just will never be satisfied. It’s not the money, or the talks or even the birthday gift that’s the issue here. It’s (as Joe pointed out) the fact that she’ll do whatever she can to get her way. All that’ll lead to is an upgrade from you, when she’s sucked you dry for whatever it is you have to offer. Be a man, say something to both her and her father and be #1 or get out.

At 25 she has yet proven she can stand on her own two feet; pretty sad, actually. I think it’s ludicrious that daddy is paying her major bills. They say women look to marry men like their dads, be warned…

Many young professionals at 25 cannot afford to live alone on their own dime. At 25, many if not all of her friends are married and/or living with their SO’s.

Maybe her father is supplementing her income so that she doesn’t go and live with the first guy who asks (because she’s not too smart about men…obviously). A lot of people don’t think co-habitating is the right thing.

Unfortunately, I’ve heard of a lot of people who support 20-something kids…daughters and sons. It isn’t THAT uncommon. If not that, they’re giving them 30k for a house when they get married. Some parents have a lot of money, and they want to spend it on their kids.

If this guy wanted the “smart, independent type”, he wouldn’t have gone for her in the first place.

“I don’t know. I have a hard time believing the boyfriend doesn’t enjoy the perks of his girlfriend’s father paying her rent/car payment and who knows what else. I also have a hard time with warning him to move on.”
Amanda- What are the perks of his girlfriends father paying her rent? Are you implying that otherwise the boyfriend would be footing the bill? This woman is 25 years old and should be paying her own way in this world. The fact that her father pays her rent/car payment means that she lives outside of her means and will always rely on someone else to help support her. Spoiled brat, plain and simple.

I say he should start dropping hints about things he would like around “Pops”. Maybe he’ll get that circular saw before the holidays. And instead of being concerned about that daily phone call with dad, he could take that time to play more Call of Duty, maybe build up that dream farm on Facebook. The time will fly by and if she complains say “Well, you were on the phone, so I didn’t think you’d mind” Also, if he accidently gets into a few minor fender-benders this year in the insured vehicle, maybe Pops will be ready to drop her off of his insurance. Sure, the rates will be higher, but she will finally be cutting the cord.

m – See my “she said” in the post — she may have extra cash that affords them the opportunity to enjoy dinners, drinks, etc. If the girlfriend likes nicer things, it’s pretty safe to assume she’s OK with spending money on being out and about.

Spoiled Brat indeed! I am about the same age as her, I work fulltime, go to school fulltime and pay my own bills. If she wanted a couch purse that badly she should have paid for it on her own since she doesnt pay any of her bills. Get out, and fast, you dont want to be spoiling her as much as Daddy does… She’ll walk all over you.

The ages make a lot of difference in this situation. Sounds like he wants the perks of dating a younger woman while expecting the maturity of someone his age. That’s a difficult (although not impossible) combo to find and this certainly doesn’t sound like the girl that can provide it. Talk to her about it, if you don’t get a satisfactory response then be ready to end it. Or just accept that you enjoy the perks of being with a younger woman and you are willing to put up with her b.s. but don’t grow too attached cause things will probably go bad down the line.

I am with Joe on this and I think the age difference is an additional factor. Girlfriend isn’t a Daddy’s girl she is a spoiled immature brat. She is 25 and still living out of Daddy’s pocket rather than being the adult she is and pay for stuff on her own.

She’s 25 years old – not 18. She should be beyond accepting Dad’s money, regardless of whether Daddy wants to pay or not. My parents can have all the money in the world but there comes a point where enough is enough.

I’m with Joe. Once Daddy’s gone, the reader will be the one making uo for the Princess’ shortfalls.

BTW, snow would have frozen in hell before my dad would have spoiled me like that! Every time I cash my check, I thank my parents (RIP) for helping to make me completely self-supporting. It feels great to have self-determination and never to have to rely on the whims and moods of a man.

I am a personal hater of Coach because I think it screams label and nothing else. Girls who lust after their products are almost always materialistic and high-maintenance. And yikes, who talks to their dad every day for a long time on the phone? Get out before you get too caught up in this princess!

This ia a tough one for me. I have family members who are wonderful, nice people, good citizens, work full time and have trouble making ends meet or saving money. A few of my aunts/uncles help pay for unexpected expenses for my cousins now and then. My cousins are grateful for this and are not the typical spoiled brat. And they have always had girlfriend/boyfriends.

When it comes to some fathers, they may be old fashioned and think that helping the daughter financially may be helping her down the line as she extablishes her career or gets better jobs, etc.

Just because your parents help you, doesn’t make you a terrible person or a spoiled brat. I think the fine is does this girl EXPECT people to pay her way and is she honestly saving money herself and building up a savings account? Or is she just spoiled, period, and rotten and demaning about it? I could see a parent helping their adult child with expenses if they wanted them to save money. It is hard to make ends meet depending on your salary and lifestyle.

This will be an issue between the girlfriend and boyfriend if he resents the father, his helping her and giving the girlfriend grief about it. If the girlfriend doesn’t want to hear it from him, then she’ll get rid of him and look for another guy who is willing to go along with this.

#28 – You may be surprised regarding who talks to their father for a long time on the phone. I don’t do it but I know of other friends who do. Various reasons from being co-dependent, parent who is alone, to genuinely liking to hear from each other.

My Italian friends do this especially and I just assume it was a cultural thing, being so closely tied to the parents.

and debate with amanda – enjoying the perks?? it seems this girl works to have fun, and doesnt include said guy, if she wanted a purse that bad, buy it, she works, oh wait that would mean doing something for herself, correct?? can you not see this woman as being selfish, greedy and manipulitave?? daddy says yes to everything, thats also to make his little girl think hes a hero too.. this guy needs to leave regardless of his feelings, before he realizes he is just a small piece of this girls life…

Just as I’m not sure if the boyfriend is enjoying the perks of her extra dough, you’re not sure if she includes her boyfriend or not. The Coach bag was for their anniversary. I see her as being very dependent on her father, yes. But, this 32-year-old man had to have known these things about his 25-year-old girlfriend when they started dating. So, a year has passed and he’s just now thinking it’s a problem? I don’t see how that’s her problem, now.

I agree with Amanda about how the guy had to have known these things about his 25-year-old girlfriend when they started seeing each other. But sometimes those little issues don’t bother us until more time goes on and then they snowball into something much bigger and unavoidable.

I could just see it when he first saw this girl. “Gosh, she’s so classy, her hair is always done perfectly, nails done, she’s always dressed to the 9′s in the latest fashions, she’s got a great car, works out at the hottest gym in the area…She’s not like that mousy-haired rat over there with the dress from Target…what a scumbag”. But NOW, it is a problem…

I’ve seen this before. There is a deeper problem (possibly). Two things might happen, neither of which Joe would ever want. First, if he WERE to marry this girl, Joe’s family would be given little consideration by this girl. She’s so attached to daddy that his family might as well be non-existent. THAT will never change either.
Second, she will hold daddy over Joe’s head when she doesn’t get everything she wants.
I know it must feel really good to have snagged a girl 7 years younger than you but seriously…Bail bro. BAIL.

I think we are all taking this a little too seriously. Um, I know many a women, and men, that drop hints at what they want for a gift. Now if you were broke, and she constantly made you feel inferior for not spending bocu bucks on her, that’s a different story but I don’t see that as what is happening here. Yes, can the spoiledness be indicative of a personality flaw? Sure! But so can eating too much peanut butter. Yum, I like me some peanut butter. If you’re into her, which after spending a year with her you clearly are, then you’re into her. If this “issue” is just one of many, then the relationship needs to be revaluated from a different perspective. But if this is the only thinking threatening to tip your boat, grab an oar, sit down, drink a beer and relax.

I’m with the guys on this one. There are deeper problems with her relationship with her father than just the money issue. And I have no doubt the boyfriend will discover this the longer he dates this girl. I think the boyfriend needs to speak to her directly about the amount of influence her father has in her life because it is obviously interferring with their relationship. And he needs to get straight answers from her as to how she plans on becoming more financially and emotionally independent before their relationship can move on to the next level. If she’s not willing to step away a bit from her father to become more independent, this guy needs to move on ASAP. Don’t waste the time if she’s forever going to be daddy’s girl. Because that means the boyfriend will always be No. 2 in her book.

She was a daddy’s girl until she moved out, now she’s a spoiled B (that B can stand for whatever you like) and probably won’t change anytime soon.

Other than having sex with her, her dad is doing everything you’re doing. I’d have a serious talk with her about how your feeling and like Joe said, her reaction will either make you kiss and makeup or hit the road.

He wins the day…it is not about the 25 year old still on a parents allowance,
This Daddy Girl syndrome is a serious neurosis and the daughter may never
become self actualized and independent. Channeling Scarlett O Hara-