Scandal Recap: Shonda Rhimes, Lend Me Some Money Because I've Clutched All My Pearls To Death Thanks To This Week's High-Octane Drama

Harrison is the lone person at OPA who questions the development that deceased CIA director Grayden Osborne might not be the mole. Will he change his mind?

Jesus, I'm only going to ask you this one more time: Please put the blue book away and stop testing me. My heart can't take it. Seriously, tonight's Scandal was too much to handle: Jake and Olivia get all sorts of nekked and the combination of their skin looks all yummy like an iced caramel macchiato from Starbucks, but then I remember that Jake is shady as hell, so I'm back to being grossed out; Huck gets shoved in a box as if he's unused packets of duck sauce, and Fitz is uber emotional like Monica's "Just One of Dem Days" speaks to him on a personal level, but it can't because Aunt Flo has never shown up two days late to ruin his plans for birthday sex. So, Fitz, how about you turn that frown upside down, 'kay? Anyway, as you can see, so much happened during tonight's episode entitled "Molly, You In Danger, Girl," (which, for the uninitiated, is a nod to the infamous Whoopi Goldberg quote from Ghost that also starred Tony Goldwyn), and I'm still trying to process it all. Let's discuss, shall we?

We begin with President Fitz giving a press conference where he confirms that Osborne was the mole. Real quick, before I continue, is it just me or does it look like Fitz doesn't have any eyebrows in this scene? I mean, I'd still hit it "big bucks, no whammies" style, but like, what the heck is up with him rocking the sans face caterpillars look? Nobody asked for that and by "nobody," I mean my loins, so Fitz, it's time you treat your face like you and your wife just moved into a new house and your mailbox doesn't have any numbers on it, so y'all pull out your stencil set and paint them on. What I'm saying is, draw some damn eyebrows on your face with a Sharpie, so I can go back to feeling comfortable imagining us going half on a baby. Moving on.

Jake breaks into Olivia's apartment. This time to remove all the surveillance equipment. Aww, as his boner grows for her, his shadiness retracts like a roof at a football stadium. That's sweet. OK, I'm kind of digging Captain Goose Down Pillow Lips again. Next, we cut to Quinn and Huck entering Olivia's crib, and they do a sweep of her place for bugs or cameras. They find nothing and leave. Immediately, Jake returns. Why? To leave her a plate of candied yams from Boston Market? I don't know why he would do that, but I mean, if someone gave you some candied yams, y'all would probably hold hands like Thelma and Louise and jump off the cliff together and into a food coma, no? All right, perhaps he broke back in, so he could leave a Post-it note with the message: "Hey, girl, us kissing is like two sumo wrestlers bumping bellies, but neither of them fall over. Not complaining. Just saying. We got some big ass lips." Nope. He shows up again so he can put all the surveillance stuff back. You know what? Like a timer popping out of a Butterball turkey, I'm done. Jake, you officially suck.

Meanwhile, Olivia tells Molly, the chica who identified Oz as the dude who killed Wendy for selling government secrets, and David, who has been living at OPA ever since last when when someone broke into his apartment, that they can go home because now that the mole is dead, they're safe. Uh, hey guys, do you remember your lives at all? When has anything ever been this neatly wrapped up like leftover corn on cob in tin foil? That would be never...

So just as Abby is storing away the Albatross files, a lady bursts into OPA with the fierceness like she's Suzanne Sugerbaker from Designing Women, except instead rocking of shoulder pads, she's wearing a scarf and she's got Osborne's suicide letter. Dun, dun, duh! She's Oz's widow, and what do you know? Her name is Susan and she claims that her husband didn't kill himself, but that he was murdered. Her proof? He addressed the envelope as "Susan" and he never calls her that. It's either "honey" or "Suzie." Um, that is the evidence you're basing all this on, Susan? You're telling me that in the damn near 30 years of marriage, he never called you by your birth name? Not even when you pissed him off? He never yelled, "Susan Louise Osborne, did you eat the last of my damn Cracker Jacks?!" Susan, sit down, but please get back up again because you are right. Oz was totes killed.

You know what else is deader than dead? The Grants' marriage. Fitz and Mellie begrudgingly agree to do a television interview that Cyrus set up. After all, Fitz is announcing his re-election bid in six weeks, so it's time to show off the first couple's lovey dovey side. Mellie tells Cy that unlike him and his boo, James, she and Fitz will have to pretend because they don't have a perfect marriage. But little does Mellie know that he and James' relationship is strained. Yes, Cy and James still married, but they're living apart—Cy is staying in a hotel—as James is still upset about the election rig shenanigans.

Back at OPA, despite Harrison's doubts, Olivia announces that they're taking Susan's case. Cue War's "Low Rider". The gang looks back into the Albatross files, checks with the coroner about the suicide ruling, which makes Huck suspicious because the suicide is too perfect, and attempts to track down Molly, but she's not home. So Huck hacks into her checking account and sees she just got a $100K deposit. Oh, snap. OPA got played like a game of checkers, y'all! They figure out that she must've been paid to say that Osborne was the mole and that the real mole is still alive, which means David is still in danger. Abby gets him to come back to the office.

Fitz is concerned about Cy's personal life and tells him to make things work with James. Looks like Fitz and Cy might become friends again. Hooray! But put that happiness on hold because Olivia calls Cy and tells him that Oz is not the mole. Like a woman who rolls her eyes at the phrase "once on the lips, forever on the hips," and then shoves a piece of cheesecake in her mouth, Cy's not having it and instead accuses Liv of trying to sabotage the White House just as he's getting back in Fitz's good graces. Cy hangs up, and then we see that Jake has been watching this convo. He then meets up with Mysterious Black Man, who tells Jake to handle this situation. Eek! Olivia, you are in danger, girl! Put on some Nikes and get the heck out of town!

Back at OPA, Harrison and Abby suspect that Molly is trying to fly out of town, and that's when David comes in the room and tells them that he put Molly on the no-fly list. And his take-charge behavior is kind of hot. It's like when my Internet acts slow at work, so I'm Googling to see if I have a virus and then the IT guy sitting next to me is like, "Have tried clearing your cookies? That'll speed up your connection." I refresh my cookies, and my computer is back to normal, so I respond with, "Wanna date?" And he goes, "No, but I'll pretend that you're not on Facebook all day," and I say, "So, you're saying our status is 'complicated?' Cool." The point is that David saves the days because Molly eventually shows up at Dulles airport and tells Harrison and Abby that she lied because her life was threatened, and then she's released from police custody. And promptly killed. Are we surprised? No.

Quinn and Huck track down the mole's bank account, and it was recently used to rent a storage unit, so they go and check it out. Huck tells Quinn to stay inside the car while he checks it out. He gets inside the storage unit and is knocked the heck out. No!! Can Scandal stop torturing him? First, the waterboarding and now this. Ugh. Eventually, Quinn finds him inside the storage unit. He shoved inside a box with his hands tied and tape over his mouth. She takes him back to the office to get cleaned. She watches the security tapes from the storage place with the rest of OPA, and they see a guy wearing a baseball cap and deduce that he's the one who attacked Huck and must work for the mole.

In lighter news, Fitz and Mellie crush their interview as they tell the charming story of how they met. After watching the first couple be sickeningly sweet, Olivia heads over to Jake's (who was hiding tape, rope, and a gun in a duffel bag just before she knocked) with some takeout. He turns off her phone when she's not looking. They have sex, and I'm crying into my laptop because he's going to murder her. And then they have sex again. Sidenote: Can TV shows stop with showing people immediately having sex right after they just got done doing it? That mess is not real life. In real life, post-coital couples treat each other like they are the "Software Update" notification that pops up on their computer screen and go:

and then set an alarm and take their behinds to bed. The. End.

Cy tells James that he checked out of the hotel and is returning home. During their fight, Cy drops a truth bomb and says that the reason James is so perturbed is because he had a chance to turn Cy in for election rigging, but didn't because he chose love and their life together, so he's no better than Cy. All James can say is that he wished Cy had lied about Defiance. End of scene. Standing ovation for this superb acting. So damn good.

Mellie and Fitz have a less dramatic fight as he wants Mellie to admit that the real way they met is that his dad, Big Jerry, set them up because she comes from old money, and he thought she would be the perfect political wife for Fitz. He wants to stop pretending, but Mellie counters that pretending is what married couples do. This truly breaks his heart and he fears that he has turned her into this machine, so he apologizes as tears well up in his eyes.

After Sexy Times, the sequel, Jake is finally asleep and Olivia is thirsty. She grabs some water and turns on the TV, expecting to watch something like CNN; but instead, a big wall reveals the surveillance feed in her apartment. Jake says things are not what she thinks and that he can't let her leave the apartment. They fight. She slaps him real hard, so he shoves her and she accidentally hits her head on the table and falls to the ground. He tells her that he's spying on her to protect her from "him." Then he points her face to the screen. There's a dude in her her place with a ski mask and a gun. SO JAKE IS NOT TRYING TO KILL OLIVIA?! OMG! I want to uncry those tears I shed during their love scene. Maybe Jake is a good guy after all? Liv passes out.

But I have no time to uncry tears because Fitz calls Cy to confess that he killed Verna! Show of hands if you are doing this right now:

How can so much happen and there are still minutes left to the episode? Shonda, I can't breathe! But she does not give a damn about my respiratory issues because she keeps the twists coming. Cy gets another phone call. This time, from the baseball cap dude, who is Charlie, the spy. He has a development for Cy! Not only did I gasp at this reveal, but I literally slapped my cheeks a la Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone and yelled out, "No!" Cy can't be the mole, but it looks like he might be because he had Huck get taken care of.

Inside the hospital, Olivia wakes up. Jake tells her that some men are coming to question her and that she must pretend like she was attacked by a burglar and that he saved her. But most importantly, she must act like she just met him. Why? BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT COMES STROLLING IN THE ROOM WITH HIS SEXY ASS SUPERMAN "S" CURL HAIRDO, looking all sad like he just found out his Wifi is down so he can't watch Netflix. Basically, it would be bad news bears if Fitz found out that Jake and Oliva hooked up during this moment of weakness. Everyone leaves the room. Fitz hugs her. Jake sees this and makes a "what the hell" face as he slowly realizes that Fitz might be the person Olivia said she's not over. And then the credits roll to reveal that Scandal is taking a three week break. WHAT?!

Flatline. I'm dead. I'm writing this from the grave. Enjoy the rest of this show without me, #Gladiators, because my heart can't handle it.

Finally, as is tradition with these recaps, I'm ending it by giving the Kerry Washington Lip Quiver Quotient (you can read the LQQ explanation here) for the episode. Tonight was full of so many jaw-dropping cray cray moments that it's only fitting that the "You're Giving Me The Last Hershey's Kiss From Your Halloween Stash? You Never Give Away Your Last Hershey's Kiss. We Must Be Best Friends Fo' Lyyyyfe" lip quiver was implemented:

This LQ is used for situations when you're overcome with so many emotions because you know sh-t just got really real. Like "I'm at the laundromat, and I just got caught taking this woman's clothes out of the dryer so I can use it, but I don't care because that she should've had her eye on her clothes instead watching intensely Con Air like it's a Shakespeare play. It's not. Nicholas Cage is wearing a weave even though he's balding. Get your priorities straight, lady" real.

__Alrighty, what did you think of last night's episode? Can you believe how cray everything got? More importantly, will you be able to handle the fact that Scandie is going on a three-week hiatus? Please feel free to share tips on how you're going to cope.

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Finally, don't forget to set your DVRs for the return of Scandal on April 25 at 10 P.M. ET/PT.