Thursday, October 02, 2014

Yes, after 20 episodes (that's about 200 minutes, or a little over three hours) (Christ, it felt longer than that), dozens of awkward dates, lots of drunken dancing and approximately 3700 sequences of people slamming shots (at a conservative estimate), we've arrived at the final installment of this enlightening peek into the lives of Australia's 20-something singletons.

To celebrate no longer having their lives aired on national television and then turned into GIFs and dissected by me, our Daters have jumped in a booze bus and headed straight to wine country. Because there's no better way to celebrate being single and alone than being surrounded by gallons of pinot grigio.

And even though you can't get tequila shots at a winery they're all really looking forward to it.

Burgo says he's enjoyed sharing his dating experiences with the other five on the show.

"And also with the people watching it, either identifying with it or feeling sympathy for you," he says.

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

We open on a picturesque strip of coastline, where Blake is being hunted by a drone:

So Tony Abbott IS good for something.

Fortunately for us, the only way he can escape the drone's heat sensing capabilities is to dive into the water..

Yes, Blake is boring. But even I can admit he's nice to look at.

He reminds us there are four women left who he still wants to shag for whom he has "deep romantic feelings" - Lisa, Louise, Jess and Sam - and this episode he'll be visiting each of their families to try and convince them that letting their daughter be part of a nationally televised harem for the past nine weeks has actually been a good idea.

First up is 26-year-old events planner Louise, in the snow resort town of Thredbo.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HERE IN BEAUTIFUL THREDBO!" she squeals, even though that's where she lives and is therefore entirely believable.

Just to impress Blake, Louise has come dressed as a rabbit on a skiing holiday.

At least, her outfit is made from a couple of rabbits who were TOLD they were going on holiday...

"HAW HAW HAW!" haws Blake, and then the two literally scream at each other for about 10 seconds, which is possibly a good preview of what their lives will be like outside this TV show.

It's the first time Blake has seen snow, so he's super excited to demonstrate everything he learned in the "Identifying Snow 101" class he's been taking at the local TAFE, pointing and exclaiming "IT'S SO CRISP AND WHITE!"

"OMG it's cold too?!"

Then they roll around giggling like they're in a Nicholas Sparks novel and kiss about 25 times, but there's no tongue so I refuse to update the pash-o-meter.

They move on to some living room somewhere - it's not clear whose house this is, but they must be poor as there are no chairs and poor Blake and Louise have to sit on the floor.

Louise talks at Blake for a while and the cameraman makes sure that we know she is wearing Chanel earrings by pulling a massive close up on them in every shot.

"At least, that's what the bloke at the market told me."

Meanwhile, Blake's conversation techniques have really come along in leaps and bounds since he started reading that self help book "Hello: And Then What? A Guide To Avoiding Social Awkwardness".

"I have three brothers who are very strong, very confident, very protective," says Louise.

"Why aren't there any chairs in here?"

"And my dad Terry is very direct, he doesn't say much but what he says means the world to me," she continues.

"How did she get the rabbits to sit still long enough to shave them like that?"

"And I can tell by a look as regards to whether he likes you or not," Louise says.

"Wait, are those Chanel earrings?"

"If you don't get along with them then that will be a deal breaker for me," she says.

"I wonder what Laurina's doing now."

Luckily Louise is so wrapped up in her own conversation she doesn't notice Blake has entered a nod-and-smile feedback loop, so she takes him home to meet her parents.

Mum is totally indifferent to Blake's arrival.

Just kidding. She practically wets herself.

Dad isn't quite so impressed.

"I look at people's body language, what they say and when they say it. Give me half an hour to an hour and I'll see whether this can last or if it's just a brief thing," he says.

Later they'll discuss milking rats.

Dad's frosty attitude doesn't improve when Blake spills a glass of champagne on his pants and everyone reacts as though he's just set fire to the dog.

"Where should Blake sit?" Louise asks her dad, who replies ominously "Next to me", in a curiously robotic voice that sounds suspiciously like it's been cobbled together in the edit room from three different sentences.

Coupled with the urgent string music in the background, it's quite clear the producers are trying to turn this poor bloke into some kind of Godfather type who is one spilled champagne away from putting a severed horse's head in Blake's bed.

"So, how do you let down the other three in this?" asks Louise's dad, slightly presumptuously.

Like this, I think.

IMPORTANT TINFOIL HAT CONSPIRACY THEORY ALERT: Blake has used this moment to ask Louise's dad for permission to marry her, which is why dad says he has "given his blessing" and is asking quite pointedly how he'll ditch the other three. Yeah? Yeah. I'm totally right.

Oh, also:

So. Gross.

And we move on to meet up with 25-year-old financial assistant Sam, who lives in the spa resort capital of Victoria, the Mornington Peninsula.

Which makes this only slightly less creepy.

"My sister's house is just down the road," says Sam.

"Have you come here with your sister before?" asks Blake, which, considering they are both practically naked and sitting in a pool of hot water, seems somewhat inappropriate.

Later, as Sam is talking to him about her family, Blake gets to show off what he learned in chapter two of that self help book - "When You're Confused, Just Smile!"

"I do think they might be a bit hesitant and reserved at the start," Sam says.

"Reserved? Wait, we had to make reservations?"

"I think they need to see who you are, just try and be yourself," she continues.

"Gee I hope my fake tan hasn't come off."

"For me, I'll know if I can invest completely in this once I see you in my world," Sam says.

"I wonder what Laurina's doing now."

So they head over to the house of Sam's sister, who immediately begins grilling Blake about what he likes about Sam.

"She's one of the funniest people I've ever met," says Blake, which is not only the least romantic thing you can say about someone to their sister but also says a lot about the sort of people Blake hangs out with.

Blake's funniest friends.

(No shade to Sam, but she's not THAT hilarious.)

For some reason Sam's sister is impressed by this and tells Sam she thinks Blake is the one for her.

The rest of the family seems slightly less sure, perhaps because Blake keeps ruining dinner by bumbling awkwardly through speeches like: "Sam obviously thinks the world of everyone here and it's... it's something that... she's... you know... mentioned to me from day one... that family is so important to her so... errrr... I've known that this is going to be a big deal and... it's been lovely, it's been..."

This pretty much sums that up.

After dinner, Sam takes Blake outside for a heart to heart.

"It just felt so good having you here in my home and with my family, but I just have to remember that it is what it is," she says, her voice shaking, tears welling.

Then he says "thank you for having me" before buggering off down the driveway.

Bye, Sam, it's been real.

And so we move on to Lisa, the only person on this series with a voice deeper than Blake's, who lives in the beach resort town of Noosa. Clearly one of the prerequisites for making it into the final four was coming from a resort town, so Channel 10 could recoup some of the production costs by writing this show off as a tourism venture and selling it overseas.

"OY MISS BLAKE SAO MUCH," barks Lisa, as she gives the final screw to a solenoid valve she's just replaced on someone's washer.

"IT'S A ROOLY BIG DEAL THAT BLAKE NOIDS TO GET ALONG WITH MOY FAMILY," she continues, because apparently everyone has to say that this episode.

I mean, why is this so important? When you consider that no one has even shagged Blake yet, what everyone's really doing here is getting approval from their parents to sleep with him. Maybe that's usual in Noosa, but it must be super inconvenient to have to get a tick from the parents every time you want to have sex. What do they do normally - Skype them?

"OK darl, thanks for letting us know. Do you think you'll reverse cowboy this time?"

"I'm at this really interesting place with Lisa," Blake says, before finishing with "It's called Noosa, and you can find out more about it at www.noosatourism.org."

They kayak to Lisa's house, because of course they do, and she introduces Blake to her family.

They sit down to lunch and Blake makes everyone feel at ease by launching into another one of his tortured speeches.

"It's like you know someone but you... don't... because I know we've never met... but... I know a bit about each of your lives..." he says, while everyone else smiles awkwardly.

I believe the phrase you're looking for is "I've heard so much about you".

Lisa's sister asks Blake what he sees in her, so she's obviously as confused as all of us.

"Lisa is someone that I can relate to very, very easily, I think we're both at very similar times in our lives, in terms of in business and our achievements and careers and that sense and that attitude of working hard, I think we share that..." says Blake, while everyone stares at their food and waits for the pain to end.

Undeterred, Lisa's sister asks if Blake can see a future with Lisa.

"I can," says Blake, before adding "Oh wait - not together. Is that what you meant? Yeah, nah."

"Blake was talking and my family was just like 'wow'," gushes Lisa.

Yes, just look at those impressed faces.

"I like Blake, he's just got that energy that fits in with us, and our family," Lisa's sister tells her.

Given Blake seems to spend most of his time trying not to slip into a coma, it seems strange to hear anyone describe him as having any energy at all - but then again, you've never met Lisa's family.

Lisa's brother Rob.

Lisa's cousin Jenna.

Lisa's uncle Geoff.

And finally we head to somewhere called Ocean Beach on the Central Coast to meet Jess, which apparently isn't her home town but somewhere she remembers from her childhood.

Clearly Jess somehow slipped through the producers' careful casting requirements to come from somewhere picturesque, so they've had to improvise.

Jess's actual house.

"HEE HEE HEE!" says Jess, running towards Blake on the beach.

"HAW HAW HAW!" says Blake, squinting at the autocue.

They get some fish and chips and Jess takes him down the jetty, where she tells him she used to eat fish and chips with her family when she was little. It's a great story.

JESS IS SO INTERESTING.

Somehow she resists the urge to push Blake over the side and eat all the potato cakes herself, and they start talking about Nietzsche's theory of the Ubermensch and the death of god.

Not really, they just talk crap about their relationship again.

"If you and I are still standing at the end then I would want to date for a period of time before living together," Jess says.

How unreasonable, to not want to move in with someone after three months.

"If you lose yourself in a relationship then that relationship isn't capable of sustaining one person for being who they originally were," says Jess.

Yeah, I think we're all with Blake on that one.

Sensing she might be losing him with her high minded couples counselling talk, Jess quickly switches on her Julia Roberts impression to temporarily blind Blake with her teeth.

"HA HA HA HA, AREN'T I JUST SO FUCKING CHARMING?"

Having stared at their fish and chips on the jetty for a good hour without absorbing any of the calories, they head off to the local caravan park to meet Jess's parents.

So to recap: Louise dresses in Chanel and lives in a ski resort, Lisa lives on the edge of the Noosa river, Sam's family home is surrounded by natural occuring hot springs and is basically a 24-hour spa, and Jess lives somewhere so horrible she's forced to relocate her family to a caravan park.

Gee, it's lucky Blake doesn't have much interest in real estate, hey?

Anyway Blake goes fishing with Jess's dad, because when you're talking to a man about shagging his daughter it's best to make sure he's armed with pointy hooks and knives first.

Blake asks if Jess is ready for a big commitment, and Jess's dad acts as though he's just been asked the square root of 23,567,312.

It's a bit like this.

After dinner Blake takes Jess outside for an in depth discussion of the Federal Government's asylum seeker policy.

No, actually they just do some more slow blinking and sighing.

"I'm at the stage where I'm ready for something more, for something longer lasting," says Blake.

"I'm sensitive to making the right choices but if putting more on the table is the right choice then I'm absolutely open to that," says Jess.

Wait, didn't they just HAVE dinner?

Meanwhile.

Finally the home town (well, three home town and one town-that's-more-picturesque-than-home-town) dates are over, which means...

IT'S ROSE TIME! Thank god for that. I thought this episode would never end.

The final four women are dressed in their best cocktail frocks - except for Louise, who missed the last bus back from Thredbo and didn't have time to throw anything on top of her Nancy Ganz support undergarments before she ran onto the set.

Still, I guess it's slimming.

Along comes Osher, the host you forgot even existed, followed by Blake.

And isn't everyone just thrilled to see him?

Such is Blake's ability to delight everyone he meets.

"I have strong feelings for every one of you," says Blake, squinting at the autocue, before picking up the first rose and yelling "YEW, LET'S SEND ONE OF THESE CHICKS PACKING!"

Louise gets the first rose. Obviously, because Blake already asked her father for her hand in marriage, remember? Der.

Then with just one rose left, Blake halts proceedings to take Jess aside for a private chat. THE TENSION IS PALPABLE.

"I need you to tell me if I'm the man for you," he says to her.

EXCUSE ME.

Ohhhhhh HERE WE GO. Classic male bullshit. Blake has to choose between two women, so instead of being a real man and choosing the one he likes best, he tries to work out which one is a sure thing first by making her prove her

So if Jess says yes, does that mean Blake will dump Sam? And what does that make Sam - second best?

NUH-UH, MISTER.

In fact Jess does say yes, but it doesn't make a shit of difference because Blake gives the final rose to Sam anyway, thus rendering their special outside chat totally irrelevant.

One silver lining though: the decision unleashes the most emotion we've seen in Blake this entire series.

YEA, THE DARK DEPTHS OF DESPAIR CONSUME HIS SOUL.

"It was my greatest pleasure to share part of this journey with you - you are an incredible man and you deserve love, and you'll find it," cries Jess, while simultaneously accepting her AACTA for Best Actress in a Miniseries.

If only she'd come from a resort town, she might have stood a chance.

And as a teary-eyed Jess clambers into the waiting car to be taken back to whatever unphotogenic town she came from, all I can think is...

...geez, she's got big nostrils.

Well that's it kids, we're on the home stretch now. Only two more episodes to go until Blake proposes to Louise! Probably.

Join me soon (ish) when I recap the grand finale.

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE 17 again. Actually, I don't recommend doing that, it was really fucking boring.