Expat parenting when anxiety joins the party!

So the big questions on this expat mum’s mind today are: Do our children suffer from being moved around? Can mental health issues become exaggerated with life abroad? How do we, as expats deal with our emotions when we’re far from home?

Initially I thought we were giving the children a great opportunity to be immersed in a different culture; a different way of life, to experience another country; however, the longer we are away, the more I think we may have done the wrong thing. Not just because of the upheaval, or because of the country we’re in, but because parenting in difficult, emotional situations when you are far from help and home, is almost too much to bear! (Yes, it’s been a big week in the Wilson household). Sometimes you just need the familiarity of home to help you in times of need.

You all know we love Australia, we are head over heels in love with Melbourne and we have beautiful friends here. No matter what though, expat life is not easy, and adding an anxious child into the mix means I worry that we’ve made a mistake taking her away from a stable, familiar life.

I love the Aussie competitive nature, the ballsy personalities, the ‘no holds barred’ attitude, the “if you don’t like it…TOUGH” way of dealing with things, but not when it comes to people’s emotions and especially those of my children. I can’t help but think that the personality traits that I love, become ones that I find loathsome when dealing with children struggling with anxiety.

Would I have moved abroad knowing that my child would be made to feel like a baby for being nervous or anxious? Would I have left home only to feel alone and overly sensitive when dealing with such a fragile child? The answer is, I’m not sure I would have taken the risk.

Before we moved I hadn’t given our emotional well being much thought. I had assumed (naively) that the way emotions were treated would be fairly similar everywhere. I assumed that whatever happened we could deal with it together as a family. I guess I hadn’t recognised just how much my family and friends did for us; emotionally…

What I really have trouble with is the lack of compassion in everyday life. Is compassion disappearing across the world? Will our children slowly lose the ability to be compassionate if they are not receiving compassion at the time when they most need it?

My main bugbear with the lack of compassion today, is how anxiety is dealt with, and how as an expat family we are struggling to deal with it; mostly alone. Anxiety is very, very real. A lot of people assume the kid hiding in the back of the classroom is just being a baby, not pulling their weight and should be trying harder. They’re making the mornings awkward by crying at the door; not getting involved in classroom discussions because they’re lazy; they’re being difficult by not grasping what they’re being taught straight away. I’m not sure that the severity of how anxiety affects a child’s whole being, and how it can damage their health as well as their education is fully understood. It seems impossible for some to comprehend that the confident, popular child in the playground finds the thought of separating from their mother, so distressing it makes them physically sick! Like I say, it’s very, very real.

I vividly remember the headmaster at Poppy’s first primary school, coming out of the door as soon as he saw her in the morning, grabbing her tightly by the hand, a kind, warm smile on his face, leading her in to school. The tears and upset leaving me, turned into happy waves as Mr Miller took her straight to her friends. He took a small step to take a huge weight off her shoulders and eased her happily into her day, which from then on started with a smile. A small gesture with a huge impact.

All it takes is a pat on the back to say “I understand and I’m here”, a smile, a wink, or a little note in their book asking if they need more help with something, rather than a scribbled message saying their work is just not good enough. Small changes, gentle persuasion and a warm hand would make the most incredible difference to an anxious child, far from home, and it’s so easy to do.

No matter the age of an anxious person, they should never be told they are “too old” to be behaving the way they are, or to “get on with it” like everyone else. The daily struggle, battling with their demons and their insecurities would be enough to stop a grown man go to work let alone a small child face school. The fact that some children even get to school is a huge achievement. If only we could create more compassion and a deeper understanding of what so many children and adults are going through, we could go a long way to helping sufferers of anxiety realise their potential, and believe in what they can achieve.

So for us, as an expat family, maybe the experience of mixing raised emotions with expatriate life will turn out to be a great big learning curve for us all, but one thing is for sure, we will be approaching every day with compassion, together, one step at a time, wherever we are in the world.

“Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point where it’s the loudest voice in the room. The only one you can hear”- Unknown

High levels of chronic anxiety can reduce your child’s capacity to respond appropriately or effectively to stressful situations, or even normal routine activities. A highly anxious person for example may experience constant physical feelings of panic and may seek to avoid anything that might trigger their anxiety such as:

being alone

going to school

talking in front of a group

Anxiety symptoms may be overlooked especially if a child is quiet and compliant. As a result, they may not receive the help and support they need, which may lead to problems with anxiety in adolescence and adulthood. Anxiety commonly co-occurs with other disorders such as depression, eating disorders, and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Around one in 35 young Australians aged 4-17 experience a depressive disorder.Breakdown: 2.8% of Australians aged 4-17 have experienced an affective disorder. This is equivalent to 112,000 young people.

One in 20 (5%) of young people aged 12-17 years had experienced a major depressive disorder between 2013-14.

One in fourteen young Australians (6.9%) aged 4-17 experienced an anxiety disorder in 2015. This is equivalent to approximately 278,000 young people.Breakdown: 6.9% of Australians aged 4-17 experienced an anxiety disorder in 2015. This is equivalent to 278,000 young people.

One in four young Australians currently has a mental health condition.Breakdown: 26.4% of Australians aged 16 to 24 currently have experienced a mental health disorder in the last 12 months.5This figure includes young people with a substance use disorder. This is equivalent to 750,000 young people today.

Suicide is the biggest killer of young Australians and accounts for the deaths of more young people than car accidents.Breakdown: 324 Australians (10.5 per 100,000) aged 15-24 dying by suicide in 2012. This compares to 198 (6.4 per 100,000) who died in car accidents (the second highest killer).

Evidence suggests three in four adult mental health conditions emerge by age 24 and half by age 14Breakdown: Half of all lifetime cases of mental health disorders start by age 14 years and three fourths by age 24 years.

TOP UK (Triumph Over Phobia) – The OCD and Phobia Charity: 01225 571740
UK registered charity which aims to help sufferers of phobias, obsessive compulsive disorder and other related anxiety to overcome their fears and become ex sufferers, run a network of self help therapy groups.

Very good blog highlighting a shortcoming of how people deal with others having an emotional time dealing with what is to be expected of growing up well done Olivia for highlighting, Keep on doing what you are doing with Poppy and supporting her as you do in all she is achieving your children are a credit to you and Tim love from Chris & Alan xxxx

I have commented before, I also have a Poppy and she is also an anxious child. She didn’t use to be until she had an awful teacher in P3 at home who shouted all day long and ripper her homework up in front of the class 😦 .

Thankfully her teacher here in Sydney is a lovely young fun guy. She is always the kid who has to get one more kiss/hug than everyone else before I leave the playground in the morning. She seems to be very happy in school but outside I worry about her being a bit isolated. I have all the same mum guilt as you. I am hoping at some point that she tells me she feels like this is her home, same as your Poppy.

Ah Rachel, I’m glad your Poppy likes school here!! It’s such a relief when things start to settle!! You must be doing all the right things to help her! Good on you!! 👍🏻👍🏻 I try and cherish all the “one more kiss” times as much as I can as I’m sure they won’t last forever xx

That was a very raw blog and those are the ones I love to read the most. You know expat life can throw things at us that we had no idea we could experience. But one thing I will say is that each experience you guys will go through, just makes for stronger people in the long run. The kids who are scarred or traumatized are ones who don’t experience any form of love or care, including from their parents. So although the place you’re in might not be compassionate, you are and it will get to a point where Poppy is happier it just might take a little longer. Did you speak with the school btw? Keep going hun Poppy is lucky to have an amazing mum like you x

Ahhh thank you! The school are helping, our friends are helping, I guess just that we’re so far away makes it feel like we’re alone when in reality we’re not!! Thank you so much for your support!! Xx 😘

A brilliant post. I think even here in the UK, some schools are far better at dealing with this than others. My daughter is also very anxious, at her last school it became such a problem it caused her to lose her sight in one eye. Within weeks of changing her she relaxed and became our little girl again. It may well be worth looking around to see if another school would react differently #PostsFromTheHeart

I didn’t realise it was like that in Australia. Being an expat has positive and negatives. I hope that as a family we keep a dialogue about the issues we have and can support each other, either directly or by getting the help we need. I also hope we congratulate and celebrate the strength we show in every new posting and every new place. #PostsFromTheHeart

Whilst I wouldn’t consider myself an ex-pat as such, we move. A lot. So far only between Zim & SA, but that moving means we don’t have family close by, and whilst we make new friends, they are not old friends so I totally get what you’re saying. Since my first daughter was born, we have moved about 6 times – she turns 6 next month. We are about to move again, at the end of this year and I KNOW it is going to be a huge emotional challenge for her. I wouldn’t say she suffers from anxiety, but she does not react well to change and her emotions overcome her at times. I hope you get the support you need. I don’t believe the ‘get over it’ attitude is right and if that’s how you’re being made to feel, I would strongly suggest you confront the teacher and school about it. Compassion can not be allowed to ‘die out’.
#postsfromtheheart