A Guide to Filling Out Your Oscar Ballot: Predictions in Every Category

As usual, I’m here to predict the winners in every single Oscar category; say who I’d vote for, were I to find myself inhabiting the body of an Academy member, Malkovich-style; and complain about films and performances that were overlooked by this weird group of old people, showbiz lifers, and disgruntled key grips (I’d like to assume). I don’t mean to validate the supposed significance of the Academy Awards, but it’s undeniably prestigious from an industry point of view and—perhaps not coincidentally—tends to air at a time of year when it’s more fun to look back on the previous movie year (even if it ended two months ago) than to go out and see, you know, 3 Days to Kill or something. So play no heed to that theater critic who recently sniffed about the low quality of the 2013 films he’s bothered to sample and how film critics must be a bunch of Twittering groupthinking numbskulls; instead, review 2013’s excellent slate of movies—some of which were even nominated for awards—one last time as a palate-cleanser before Wes Anderson, Lars von Trier, David Gordon Green, Jim Jarmusch, the Muppets, and Captain America show up to rescue your spring.