Dysfunctional Mother Goose

Writer's Note: You probably haven't noticed, but Canadagander has not contributed a new story for quite some time. I contracted that dread disease of writers known as 'THE BLOCK'. Try as I might, nothing was forthcoming from my mind that I considered witty or not vulgar. Poor Sam and the Powell girls are still awaiting another family tradition event; Brad and Diane are in limbo, and the muse has not introduced me to someone new.

In desperation, I recently e-mailed a message to my writer-mentor, asking for advice on how to cure THE BLOCK. Her suggestion was to "drink some very good wine, then work on something silly before returning to story writing."

Guess what, dear readers: it seemed to work. This little piece popped out of my head after one glass in about an hour. I shared it first with some friends, and was rewarded with a number of giggles. I hope that you have some chuckles as well.

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Are you as tired as I am of those Viagra and Levitra commercials on TV? I think that it's time for the pharmaceuticals and their Madison Avenue hucksters to chuck the current ones. Dump those ex-jocks. Get rid of all those oral and visual euphemisms. And speak plainly; don't use coded cliches.

That guy arriving at the party and his office with his smirky grin isn't too bad, but just once, he should be honest when he's asked why the difference in his demeanor. My screen-play re-write would go like this:

(Woman greets man at the door of the house where a party is going on)
"Hey, Bob, have you been working out, or did you get a new haircut?"

(Man gives smirky grin and hands his jacket to the hostess)
"No, Jane, actually, I've just come from boffing my doctor's nurse. Have you seen my wife?"

Now admit it, wouldn't that inject some reality and integrity into Viagra's message?

Then, following up on the need for upgrade of those e.d. (or is it g-- d---) commercials, I realized that none of the Mother Goose rhymes have been updated (or should I say upraised?) to be contemporary with this new era of dysfunctional correction by pill-popping. The purists in literature, of course, would be enraged by tampering with these generations-old traditional childhood poems. Especially if the tampering introduced thoughts of, heaven forbid, SEX, either functional or dysfunctional.

So I have taken the liberty of drafting a brand new set of poems and limericks, using some of the traditional Mother Goose characters. However, these all introduce 'those little pills that are so uplifting.' The poems below are just the initial pieces of what I hope will become an important new genre of contemporary literature, which I call 'Dysfunctional Mother Goose Rhymes.' By the way, I dedicate this entire anthology to the not-so-famous cousin of that other groundbreaker in modern poetry, "ed cummings."

New Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard,
'Cause hubby could not raise a bone.
He swallowed the pill,
They both got a thrill;
Viagra - their worries are gone.

* The Cat and the Diddle

Hey, riddle, fiddle;
The Cat couldn't diddle.
His tool was limp as a rope.
A blue diamond thing
Erection did bring,
Now all of his pussies have hope.

* Softy Simon

Softy Simon met a pieman,
Cock straight up in air.
Said Softy Simon to the pieman,
"Show me how and where."
Said the pieman to Softy Simon,
"Viagra, my friend, and you're there."

* Little Miss Muffett

Little Miss Muffett worked on Sir Tuffett,
But nothing could get him that way.
He gulped down Levitra;
"Now I can treat ya',
Bend over, Miss Muffett, let's play."

* Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill discovered a pill,
Supposed to get Jack in the game.
Jack took one,
Jill had fun.
"Levitra, they said, "Is its name."

* Little Beau Pup

Little Beau Pup cannot get it up,
And doesn't know how to make it.
Take milligrams five
Of Cealis, and jive,
Be as upright as if you had staked it.

* Little Jack Horner

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner,
Soft, like a man touching ice.
A tablet that day
Got him ready to play;
She looked and said, "Wow, that is nice."

* Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty felt very small.
Humpty Dumpty's up not at all.
A dose of Viagra, milligrams ten,
Stiffened up Humpty, he's ready again.

Please review, and tell me if I'm on the right track, before I contact the pharmaceutical giants and propose to them a revolutionary ad campaign. I would welcome additional contributions from fellow pioneers in this exciting new genre.