If you hate being hugged, the world can be a challenging place. You never know when someone you’re meeting for a quick coffee will approach you, arms open wide, coming in for an embrace.

Your options are limited: you can awkwardly dodge the gesture, stick out your hand for a handshake, or submit to the unwanted bear hug.

Regardless of whether you are pro or anti-embrace, here’s everything to know about the human behavior of hugging:

Why people love or loathe hugging

So why is it that some people love a good hug, while others abhor them? According to experts, it may have something to do with how you were raised.

“Our tendency to engage in physical touch—whether hugging, a pat on the back, or linking arms with a friend—is often a product of our early childhood experiences,” says Suzanne Degges-White, a professor of Counseling and Counselor Education at Northern Illinois University. A 2012 study published in Comprehensive Psychology found that people who were raised by parents who were frequent huggers were more likely to be huggers in adulthood. The study concluded that, “hugging is an important element in a child’s emotional upbringing.”

Conversely, Degges-White says, for people raised by devout non-huggers, the very thought of hugging might make them uncomfortable. “In a family that was not typically physically demonstrative, children may grow up and follow that same pattern with their own kids,” she says.

Still, she notes instances when growing up without physical touchcan actually have the opposite effect. “Some children grow up and feel ‘starved’ for touch and become social huggers that can’t greet a friend without an embrace or a touch on the shoulder,” Degges-White says.

Whether you grew up in a family that was always hugging or was brought up in an environment that lacked touch—these factors can leave a lasting physiological impact.

Darcia Narvaez, a professor of psychology at University of Notre Dame, says that there are two main ways that not being touched can affect a growing body: it can lead to an underdeveloped vagus nerve, a bundle of nerves that runs from the spinal cord to the abdomen, which research shows can decrease people’s ability to be intimate or compassionate, and can lead to an underdeveloped oxytocin system, the glands which release the oxytocin hormone that can help humans form bonds with other people.

As proof, Narvaez points to a group of Romanian orphans, who were at the center of a 2014 study on the lasting impact of neglect on developing minds. Romanian orphans who were adopted had malfunctioning oxytocin systems, according to the study. “They were hardly touched in the orphanage and so did not display the rise in oxytocin— ‘the cuddle hormone’—well-cared-for children have when sitting on their parent’s lap,” Narvaez says.

Without this hormone, it can be harder to pick up on social cuesand even be more sociable. So hugging and touch are incredibly important for youngsters—even if you don’t particularly like them as an adult.

Self-esteem and body issues may also play a role in someone’s hugging predilections. “People who are more open to physical touch with others typically have higher levels of self-confidence,” says Degges-White. “People who have higher levels of social anxiety, in general, may be hesitant to engage in affectionate touches with others, including friends.” And the fear of someone ‘reaching out’—literally and figuratively—can make that discomfort even worse, she warns.

There’s also a cultural component to being hug avoidant. People in the U.S. and England hug and touch way less often than people in France or Puerto Rico, according to a 2010 study by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.

How huggers should interact with people who are hug avoidant

The Emily Post Institute, which carries on the work of the eponymous doyenne of etiquette, suggests skipping the hug altogether unless you are closely acquainted with someone. The reason is simple: while you might be comfortable with it, “not everyone else—even those who might go along with it quietly—are,” the institute wrote in a blog post.

The manners maven also encouraged huggers to take note of body language: when someone proffers their hand instead of going in for a bear hug for example, recognize the signal, and then shake on it. The body language of non-huggers is hard to miss, too: If you’re going in for a hug and notice a grimace or a look of horror in the person’s eyes, you might consider aborting the mission.

Samantha Hess—a “professional cuddler” and founder of a Portland, Oregon-based service that teaches people how to enjoy platonic touch—says it’s important to be mindful of other people’s cues. “Everyone has the right to control what happens to their body,” she says. “Many of our clients aren’t comfortable with even a handshake when they first arrive.”

Hess adds that it can take weeks or even months for her clients to feel comfortable enough to enjoy a good old-fashioned embrace—if they ever get there at all.

The scientific benefits of hugging

There is a very real reason to try hugging: it may make you less likely to get sick.

In a 2015 study, researchers from Carnegie Mellon University looked at the effects that hugs and other forms of affection can have on the immune system. Specifically, researchers wanted to know if the people who felt loved were less susceptible to the common cold—and they were: 32% of that immune boost came from the stress-alleviating effects of hugging.

“Those who receive more hugs are somewhat more protected from infection,” the study concluded.

But if anti-huggers are still unconvinced, they may want to make note of a 2014 study published in the American Journal of Infection Control that found that fist bumping is the most hygienic form of greeting—an alternative that requires minimal contact.

How to overcome your aversion to hugs

While no one should ever feel obligated to hug someone, if you want to overcome your hug aversion, Hess’s company has a carefully laid out plan for helping people overcome their distaste for the embrace. “We go over consent and boundaries prior to any touch and reassure them they are always welcome to change their mind,” she explains. “We have 78 cuddle poses we can guide people through so we can find something for just about any comfort level.”

And for those who don’t mind physical touch, but still aren’t sold on hugging, Degges-White suggests pushing through the temporary unease and go for the embrace. “You may very well find yourself overcome with relief, gratitude, surprise, acceptance and even regret for having closed yourself off from your own self for so long,” she says.

unaware
unintentional
but more real
than the ever-changing Seasons. . .

Eugene Peterson gave me one this past week. . .

He died

He was the author of many books but his masterpiece was his rewriting of the Bible entitled, THE MESSAGE. . .

I remember reading this when it came out in 2011;

it was his Mini-Manifesto. . .

When I heard of his death on October 22, I re-read it again

and underlined new passages. . .

did I not read them before. . .

did they not spark a little ember in me that they now have. . .

the take-aways

this time

settled into a deeper place

where roots will soon follow:

TWO QUOTES:

“I think that the dying pray at the last not “Please” but “thank-you.”–Annie Dillard

“Only where graves are is there resurrection.”
–Karl Barth

and this story:

“while visiting a Benedictine monastery, Christ in the Desert, in New Mexico, one of the Brothers was leading us on a path from prayers in the chapel in the refectory where we would have lunch. The path led through the cemetery. We passed an open grave. Jen, my wife asked, “Oh, did one of the Brothers just die?” and the reply was powerfully, impactfully short,“No, this is for the next one.”

My Mini-Manifesto has me celebrating 24 years of doing hospice work as of October 31–Halloween. . .

part of THATmanifesto

is not being taught how to die

BUT HOW TO LIVE
. . .again and again and again and again and again and again and again

When I met her, she asked me to bring her real communionand I ask her what is real communion, and she said, “you know the one with wine not with grape juice.”

It started off an explosion of ideas and memories in me:

a little girl who asked me during a Junior Sermon one Sunday, “When can I have some of that ‘Jesus Juice’

a Deacon offering me the Cup during a recent Mass at an inpatient Hospice unit

a Eucharistic Minister who knew I wasn’t Catholic offering me Communion on a Maundy Thursday during Holy Week

catching a kid taking a hand full of Communion wafers and eating them like tic-tacs

But mostly:

what is r e a l c o m m u n i o n ?

is it actually symbolic of a piece of bread or broken bread or a way for symbolizes the broken body of Christ. . .

is a great juice is it real wind it symbolizes the shed blood of Christ. . .

Is it something less religious maybe even more spiritual. . .

is it the first time my father looked into the eyes of his newborn child. . .

is it the first time a new mom successfully Breast feeds her baby

Is it a couple on their wedding day sharing a Ritz cracker and a sip of Ginger ale because that’s what they shared on their first date in the park

is it a grandmother, literally tearing a loaf of bread in half and passing a piece each of their grandchildren on a picnic and explaining it doesn’t matter how big the piece is as long as it’s a shared piece. . .

is it the unspoken language between a husband and a wife of 50+ years sharing thatone last look before one of them dies. . .

What. . .

What is Real Communion?

And who. . .

Who can have it. . .

Who can share or distribute it?

Probably safe to say, huh,

there are many different meanings

there are many different definitions

of what exactly is REAL COMMUNION

is the definition that you give to it

and maybe even greater still

the Priest you are WHO Share it. . .

Whatever Real Communion is to you

~~define it~~

share it~~

live it~~

be it…

because whatever real communion is,

it’s not a solitary confinement

or singular act

it ultimately is a shared experience

between you and another person

or a group of likeminded OTHERS

and if it’s not SHARED

then it’s not REAL COMMUNION

~~ it’s THEN whatever it is you define as it’s exact snd complete opposite

I s H A P P I N E S S

4 lessons from the longest-running

study on happiness

gives us a hint. . .

Stocksy

Essential, data-derived advice for leading a happy, healthy life, shared by researcher and psychiatrist Robert Waldinger.

Have you ever wished you could fast-forward your life so you could see if the decisions you’re making will lead to satisfaction and health in the future? In the world of scientific research, the closest you can get to that is by looking at the Harvard Study of Adult Development — a study that has tracked the lives of 724 men for 78 years, and one of the longest studies of adult life ever done. Investigators surveyed the group every two years about their physical and mental health, their professional lives, their friendships, their marriages — and also subjected them to periodic in-person interviews, medical exams, blood tests and brain scans.

With a front-row seat on these men’s lives, researchers have been able to track their circumstances and choices and see how the effects ripple through their lives. Psychiatrist Robert J. Waldinger, the study’s director and principal investigator, shared some of the major lessons in a popular TED Talk (What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness). He says, ”We’d been publishing journal articles with our findings for 75 years, but we publish in journals about lifespan developmental research that few people read. The government has invested millions of dollars in the research, so why keep it a secret?”

The big takeaways from that talk: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier, and loneliness kills. But there were, of course, many more lessons to be learned — the study has yielded more than 100 published papers so far, with enough data for “scores more” — and Waldinger shares four of them here.

1. A happy childhood has very, very long-lasting effects.

Having warm relationships with parents in childhood was a good predictor you’ll have warmer and more secure relationships with those closest to you when you’re an adult. Happy childhoods had the power to extend across decades to predict more secure relationships that people had with their spouses in their 80s, as well as better physical health in adulthood all the way into old age. And it’s not just parental bonds that matter: Having a close relationship with at least one sibling in childhood predicted which people were less likely to become depressed by age 50.

2. But … people with difficult childhoods can make up for them in midlife.

People who grow up in challenging environments — with chaotic families or economic uncertainty, for instance — grew old less happily than those who had more fortunate childhoods. But by the time people reached middle age (defined as ages 50–65), those who engaged in what psychologists call “generativity,” or an interest in establishing and guiding the next generation, were happier and better adjusted than those who didn’t. And generativity is not dependent on being a parent — while people can develop it by raising children, they can also exhibit it at work or other situations where they mentor younger adults.

3. Learning how to cope well with stress has a lifelong payoff.

We’ve all developed ways of managing stress and relieving anxiety, and Waldinger and his team have found that some ways can have greater long-term benefits than others. Among the adaptive coping methods they examined are sublimation (example: you feel unfairly treated by your employer, so you start an organization that helps protect workers’ rights), altruism (you struggle with addiction and help stay sober by being a sponsor for other addicts), and suppression (you’re worried about job cuts at your company but put those worries out of mind until you can do something to plan for the future). Maladaptive coping strategies include denial, acting out, or projection. The Harvard researchers found the subjects who dealt with stress by engaging in adaptive methods had better relationships with other people. And their way of coping had a cascade of beneficial effects: It made them easier for others to be with, which made people want to help them and led to more social support, and that, in turn, predicted healthier aging in their 60s and 70s. Added bonus: people who used adaptive mechanisms in middle age also had brains that stayed sharper longer.

4. Time with others protects us from the bruises of life’s ups and downs.

Waldinger has said “it’s the quality of your relationships that matters” is one significant takeaway from the study. Well, the researchers have found that quantity counts, too. Looking back on their lives, people most often reported their time spent with others as most meaningful, and the part of their lives of which they were the proudest. Spending time with other people made study subjects happier on a day-to-day basis, and in particular, time with a partner or spouse seemed to buffer them against the mood dips that come with aging’s physical pains and illnesses.

Waldinger continues to marvel at the researchers’ findings, even though he freely acknowledges how skewed their research group is — “it’s the most politically incorrect sample you could possibly have; it’s all white men!” (In fact, the group originally included John F. Kennedy.) With “only a handful” of the original subjects left to study, the Harvard team is now moving on to the men’s 1,300 children who’ve agreed to participate (a group that’s 51 percent female). But he’s painfully aware that the proposed cuts to the National Institutes of Health could end even their long-running study. “Our kind of research might be one of the first projects to go. Our work is not urgent; it’s not the cure for cancer or Alzheimer’s,” he says. “But we have a way of understanding human life that you can’t get anywhere else and it lays the foundation for important, actionable things.”

He was just 69, was stamped “Return to Sender” Tuesday, October 2, 2018. . .

and so his

O B I T U A R Y

began. . .

How would you begin yours?

How would you let it unfold

and exactly who would you want to read it?

Here’s how his continued:

He was born May 10, 1949, in Ellwood City and he attended Seneca Valley High School and graduated from Slippery Rock University. At age six, as his father realized his potential, his dad promptly had himself neutered.

(YES. . .this is a real, TRUE OBITUARY)

He most prided himself on the fact that upon his high school graduation, six of his teachers required psychiatric treatment for chronic depression and suicidal thoughts. During his collegiate tenure, he was a three-year starter on the basketball team, establishing scoring records and national free-throw percentages.

Once he left college, he briefly, very briefly, earned a living as a male stripper. Facing impending bankruptcy, he taught and coached a variety of sports. Eventually, he became a supervisor for 26 years with Consolidated Coal. During his coal mining tenure, his most noteworthy accomplishment was amassing 18 pairs of channel locks and 127 rolls of P-tape.

Following an early retirement, he formed a construction company and returned to college, receiving a pastoral certification. The next phase of his life found him ministering at a Presbyterian Church for 17 years. He was passionate about short-term mission trips, which specialized in rebuilding flood and wind-damaged homes, participating in over 30 trips and visiting 12 states in the process.

He had a plethora of interests, including occasionally dressing up as a woman, playing corn hole with kittens and eating. His favorite entrée was cherry pie. Free cherry pie to be exact. He was able to substitute his pastoral salary by frequently visiting a local Art Institute, where he posed for aspiring student-sculptors whose interest was creating images of Buddha. He loved to tell stories and freely admitted that a portion of what he said was true, but never disclosed which portion.

To the astonishment of many, 1997, he wed the love of his life. Quite often, he was quizzed as to how he was able to corral such a young beauty, and he admitted lying to her, claiming he was filthy rich. They were blessed with the birth of two children. Surviving, in addition to his wife and two children, are a brother and a sister.

Above all, his greatest love was that of his Lord Jesus Christ. And his most sincere wish was that everyone would come to know and love God as he did. In lieu of flowers, the family asks, for those who are willing, to attend a church of their choice, and secondly, to break wind in a public setting.

Visitation will be held from noon to 2 p.m., the time of service. Any person attending who cries will kindly be asked to vacate the premises.

SO WHAT WRITE YOU ?

This was a real obituary, with only the name of the deceased and his family kept private, though the obituary was very open and even more public.

I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF HER

HAVE YOU. . .

NADIA MURAD

Kiran Nazish is a journalist and former professor. She currently runs a worldwide support network for women journalists called The Coalition For Women In Journalism and tweets @kirannazish

The audience sat in silence. Nadia Murad had just wrapped up a speaking event at the Carr Centre at Harvard University. The room had been full, as it usually was when Nadia spoke to an audience. “I can take more questions,” she said. But none came. The crowd had listened intently and seemed empathetic, yet was seemingly too shy to ask much of the slight, 23-year-old woman they saw before them.

Nadia had come here for the questions. It was March 2016, and the ISIS battle was still raging. With 3,000 women from her Yazidi tribe in northern Iraq still under ISIS control, she wanted the world to know about how her people were suffering. She had come to get them involved.

Nadia often wondered if people attended her events, she later told me, to hear more about the story of Islamic State brutalities than to help the Yazidi people. She wanted them to know her cause was something the world could address. “Everyone cannot control or defeat Daesh” she’d say, using a disparaging Arabic term for the group. “[but] everyone can help the Yazidi people.”

Today ISIS is defeated, and the Yazidi people enslaved and brutalized by the militant group are now slowly being reintegrated into Iraqi society. For her efforts in raising awareness of the use of sexual violence in wartime, Nadia Murad has won a Nobel Peace Prize alongside the Congolese surgeon Denis Mukwege. Yet carrying the weight of her people’s plight took a personal toll on Nadia, she told me on that night in Boston over two years ago. What I remember most is the glimpse she gave me of the courage it took her to go through with it.

After the talk, we headed to an Indian restaurant near Harvard Square. I wanted Nadia to taste the kind of cuisine I had grown up with in Pakistan. We connected over being women of color, and our origins were soon a subject of discussion. I had been following her work since she embarked upon her campaign to bring the world’s attention to the plight of Yazidi people. Here she was, in Boston, on a trip sandwiched between meetings with heads of states and leaders of the European Union.

As we filled our plates from the buffet of curry and rice, I asked her if she was pleased with the response to her campaign. I wanted to know how things were unfolding as she lobbied with world leaders week after week, while many of her friends remained under ISIS control. Surely, she must be making progress in her campaign?

She responded cautiously. “They are trying to help us. We have a lot of support.” But that wasn’t working she said. “The process is very slow. We want to do something about the women still stuck there… they need to be saved.”

Earlier that year in February she had visited the United Kingdom’s Houses of Parliament. Her story was raised by British lawmaker Robert Jerick to other members of parliament and then Prime Minister David Cameron. “When the Prime Minister welcomed me and heard what happened to the Yazidis, I felt they will do something to eradicate ISIS but still nothing has happened,” she said.

She kept meeting leaders, and engaged with the United Nations, but she said, “everyone listens and no one does anything.” She looked tired and frustrated at a lack of concrete results. This was not the breakthrough she had dreamed of.

Over dinner, Nadia said she felt her struggle was in vain. She told me about her then-recent visit to Iraq. This conversation was so painful for her that she stopped eating her meal and tears started sliding her cheeks. It was often like this for her. Meals were skipped. Her sleep cycle was unstable. Her suffering could always be seen on her face. She carried the trauma with her everywhere she went, every day.

“I have two burdens,” she told me. “One, is my memory,” — the torture, the rape, the murders of her family, the nights and days as a prisoner of ISIS — “and the second burden is that of my responsibility. I have to make sure that my fellow women do not suffer like me.”

Despite carrying with her this extraordinary despair and pain, Nadia continued to champion the cause of Yazidi women until the Islamic State was driven out of Iraq. And she has gone from triumph to triumph.

Her campaign to speak out about the crimes ISIS committed against her people, was instrumental to understanding and defeating ISIS. And in that she triumphed over ISIS.

When she felt frustrated that world leaders did not move, she kept pushing harder. She showed up at every platform she could to lobby for the Yazidi people, and for all women who are victimized in wars. She communicated her message to audiences shy and bold. And in that she triumphed over those unwilling to listen.

When she felt there was more action needed to help her people, she created the Nadia Initiative and the Sinjar Fund that aims to support Yazidis and other victims of war crimes. And in that she triumphed over inaction.

Now a Nobel Peace Prize laureate, Nadia has the highest platform yet to campaign against the violence and abuse of women during conflict and in society. The recognition of her work — alongside that of Dr Mukwege — will give other activists more access to more people at the heart of the problem.

This is a prize shared by every woman with the courage to speak out despite their fears and traumas. Women across the world who are standing up against oppression and censorship against their bodies, and their lives. These women are the lucky ones. As Nadia Murad told me that night in March 2016 — “survival is a kind of serendipity, one that empowers you to fight for the survival of others.”

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