In the Red Bluff

As many of you are possibly aware, American Christmas was this last week. As such, BYU decided to ruin er’body’s lives and schedule finals for the week right before Christmas. It’s like going to school in the atheist Soviet Union where they don’t care about Christmas or how cold it is or how many stray cats are wandering around on the streets unloved. I got some issues I got to talk to Cecil about.

I think finals should finish AT LEAST ten days before the Christmas holiday to allow Gordy adequate time to think about how great Christmas is. I just need a moment to get ready for Christmas WHATEVER.

So I’m in a California city called Red Bluff for Christmas break and the weird thing is it’s where I’m from. One of the brightest jewels on California’s I-5, gateway to Mt. Lassen, home to the largest rodeo on the west coast — every time I come home, it’s hard to believe that I was raised here.

Anyway, my daddy decided to love me more than the rest of his children and take me out to lunch today. We went to the best restaurant in the greater Red Bluff area: M&M Ranch House. M&M is located in what we call “Cow Town”: a collection of little stores on the outskirts of Red Bluff next to some nut orchards and the Tehama County fairground. My sister and I actually used to go to school there in a jumble of old, abandoned offices. We would do PE on the cement slab at the end of the parking lot and take walks through the nut orchards. You could call it idyllic. You could also call it unforgettable (if something’s hard to forget, that means it was really enjoyable).

Closed on Sundays. I don’t believe I want to live in a country where you have to stay open on Sunday to do business.

If you’ve ever had a burger with me, you know that I ALWAYS order the western burger wherever I go, which is a good-bad thing. It’s good because western burgers is nearly always the best burger on any menu because it’s covered in BARBECUE SAAAUUUZZZEE. It’s bad cuz always ordering the western burger prevents me from trying new things. BUTT I like what I like so sue me WHATEVER.

I’m not the only one who thinks M&M’s is ridicucray delicious. Every year, the local paper sponsors a food chompotition to see which restaurant makes a particular food item the best. One year, it was to see who made pancakes the best. Another year, it was salad bars. M&M won the chompionship for having the best burger in the greater Red Bluff area. The M&M western burger officially known as “The Ringer” is, supposedly, the best hamburger in Red Bluff. It’s a tastey little number with (What else?) barbecue sauze, onion rings, lechuga (Is that “lettuce” or “milk” in Spanish?), tomatoes, bacon, and your choice of cheeeeez. They also put a nasty pickle on it, but you can get rid of that business by saying, “I don’t want no dang pickle on my masterpiece burger deliciousness.”

Naturally, when Father took me out this afternoon, I ordered (without question) The Ringer. This place is so fancy they asked me “how” I wanted my burger. I got it medium well, because well is dry and rare is really dross. I also requested pepper jack cheese because it’s a quality cheese that adds a little zing, but not too much of a zing, as if the cheese were trying to surprise you, but not too much (like a Mike Wazowski scare).

Mein Ringer. There’s a knife in the top!! This place is cRaZy!!

Hot dangaroo. This burger tastes like how I imagine the Red Bluff Roundup Rodeo would taste (I’ve actually never been, but I’ve spent a fair amount of time at the fairgrounds since I also went to school there during my freshman year). It’s smothered in barbecue sauze — almost too much, but it’s that edginess that keeps you interested (like a classy lady or PG-13 movie). The cheese is melted perfectly, the softness of the cheese contrasting with the perfect crisp of the bacon. Add to this the flavorful, barbecue taste of the patty, and you’ve got yourself the perfectest burger in the whole greater Red Bluff area. It’s as if the fires of Smaug* have been blasted upon this burger to make all of it’s elements an adventure of taste and texture that slide down into your tummy to make the most rocking party your inner parts have ever experienced.

The lettuce is crispy, the tomato is juicy, and the onion rings are crispy juicy. The bun isn’t toasted, which is something to which I usually am adamantly opposed, but this bun stays together well even amidst the crazy adventure of burgery goodness that goes inside of it (although I would not be opposed if Smaug* turned his fire to toast the bun as well).

Along with your burger, you can order tots, fries, or crisscut fries. I had just read the Napoleon Dynamite script on the train to California, so I naturally ordered the tots. They were crizpy and good and me and Daddy liked them.

Now, I’ll be on a train back to the Utah freezing cold come Monday, so don’t worry about the future of PFB. I’ll be back in Provo eating food next week, so be thou excited. Bingo dingo!

License plates and bull horns. #proofiminredbluff

The restaurant gets its name from the founders, a husbo/wife combo both named “M,” but they decided to decorate with tacky M&M candy figurines. Fancy.

My padre what loves me more than anyone.

*Disclaimer: I don’t encourage nobody to go watch the new Hobbit movie. Why would I?