Darwin Awards Newsletter -- 1 June 2000
DARWIN AWARDS celebrate Charles Darwin's theory of evolution by
commemorating the remains of the individuals who contributed to the
improvement of our gene pool by removing themselves from it in a really
stupid way.
DARWIN AWARDS HEALTH ALERT! Stories from our archive illustrate six dangers
to male health from a Darwin Perspective:
#1 -- The number one way that men risk their health is to engage in sexual
practices with dangerous objects. With toys like vacuum cleaners, cow
hearts, and virgins with gun-totin' grannies. Exercise discretion, gentlemen!
LOVE FROM THE HEART
Unconfirmed by Darwin
(Tennessee 1998) A teenage Knoxville boy read in an adult magazine that you
could hook a cow heart up to a battery and create an organic sex toy.
Thinking to improve on the original model, he hooked it up to the household
current, electrocuting himself and setting fire to his house.
(Italy 1997) A man was found naked and dead with an unidentifiable mass
attached to his penis. The coroner examined the man and, in a brilliant
display of detective work, determined that he had connected the heart of a
cow to electric cables, and plugged the apparatus into a normal 220V
outlet. He then tried to have sex with this quickly-pumping toy, and was
killed by the electricity unleashed by the object he had created.
Also read: Mr. Happy
http://DarwinAwards.com/stupid/stupid2000-05.html?0006
Mis-Steak
http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1998-12.html?0006
Gun-Totin' Granny
http://DarwinAwards.com/legends/legends2000-01.html?0006
#2 -- The number two way to guarantee injury is to show off for friends.
Little larks like swallowing goldfish, kissing a snake, or spitting off a
balcony on a dare. Try to remember that stupid is not cool, guys.
GUY GULPS GOLDFISH
Confirmed True by Darwin
Hungry or just plain stupid? January 29, 1998, was a fateful day for
Michael. He was shooting the breeze with a group of men, watching a friend
clean his fish tank. Alcoholic beverages may have been present. The friend
complained that one fish in particular had become a menace. It had outgrown
the tank and was eating other specimens.
Egged on by a dare, Michael, who had swallowed smaller fish before,
volunteered to assist. He seized the 5-inch fish and attempted to swallow
it. Unfortunately, it stuck in his throat. As Michael gasped futilely for
breath, turned blue, and sank to his knees, his three friends realized that
something was amiss. They contacted 911 and informed the dispatcher that
Michael had eaten some fish, and was having trouble breathing. Paramedics
were quickly dispatched. They arrived to find the fish tail still
protruding from the victim's mouth. Despite their best efforts, the
23-year-old could not be resuscitated. The killer fish had claimed one last
victim.
Although the friends did not attempt the Heimlich maneuver or administer
CPR, Akron, Ohio police said it was unlikely that murder charges would be
filed. "If I dare you to jump off a bridge and you do it, you're stupid,"
police Maj. Mike Matulavich said.
Apparently Michael was not a victim of homicide, he was just a Darwin
Awards contender.
Also read: Kiss Bites Back
http://DarwinAwards.com/stupid/stupid1999-10.html?0006
Dead Spitter
http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1999-21.html?0006
#3 -- The number three way to sustain damage is to lose your wits over a
woman. Pleading your love with a chainsaw, fighting with her in the car, or
solving an argument using brute force all can get you hurt. Women prefer a
cooler head, so give these up!
WIFE TOSSING IN BUENOS AIRES
Confirmed True by Darwin
(Buenos Aires 1998) Did he win the argument? It happened in February 1998
in a working-class Boedo neighborhood. During a heated marital dispute, a
25-year-old man picked up his 20-year-old wife and threw her off their
eighth-floor apartment balcony.
To his dismay, she became tangled in the power lines below. He immediately
leapt from the balcony and fell towards his wife. We can only speculate as
to his reasons. Was he angrily trying to finish the job, or was he
remorsefully hoping to rescue her? He did not accomplish either goal. He
missed the power lines completely, and plunged to his death.
The woman managed to swing over to a nearby balcony and was saved. (18 May
1999, Panama City) In a similar story, a Dominican woman exacted her dying
revenge on her boyfriend, who tossed her off their third-floor balcony, by
dragging him down with her. Maria Mendez, 32, was killed instantly in the
fall. Her boyfriend, Luis Alberto Camargo, was rushed to a nearby hospital
in serious condition.
According to neighbors, the confrontation occurred early Tuesday morning
after Camargo, 30, discovered Mendez in a local bar. The two returned to
their apartment and exchanged harsh words, which culminated in the fateful
plunge.
Also read: Maine Chainsaw Romance
http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1999-19.html?0006
Avoiding a Fight
http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1999-53.html?0006
Lightning Date
http://DarwinAwards.com/legends/legends1998-02.html?0006
#4 -- The number four way to destroy your health is to be a sexual voyeur,
like this Tampuchea Prison warden.
PEEPER PLUMMETS
Confirmed True by Darwin
(Mexico 1999) A Mexican jail guard died from an excess of zeal while
supervising an inmate's conjugal visit. Raul Zarate Diaz was closely
watching his charge from the roof of the prison when he tripped over an air
vent, crashed through the skylight, and fell 23 feet to land beside the bed
where the inmate and his wife were, against all odds, enjoying an intimate
moment. The interrupted prisoner, offended by the intrusion, attempted to
start a riot, but was squelched by prison security.
Prisoners in the Tapachula facility reported that Diaz was in the habit of
prowling the prison roof during conjugal visits, in search of prisoners to
supervise. Local law enforcement reported that the guard was clutching a
pornographic magazine, which was retained as evidence, and binoculars,
whose sentimental value led to them being given back to the family of the
deceased.
#5 -- The number five dangerous lifestyle habit is to live on the wrong
side of the law. Stealing cars, stealing tires, and stealing trailers are
not ways to stay healthy.
MODUS OPERANDI MISFIRES
Confirmed True by Darwin
(Pennsylvania 1998) Randy Nestor, 28, was a considerate car thief. When the
stolen cars became hot, he didn't just abandon them, he torched them.
Setting the cars on fire, he reasoned, helped the owners collect insurance
on their vehicles.
This criminal habit became his downfall. After a 10-year career of theft,
Randy burned to death in Pittsburgh in a van which he had set fire to from
the inside. He hadn't realized that the door handle on the driver's side
was broken. Friends tried to release him, but the door was locked. His
burned body was found inside the van on Sunday.
Also read: Tired to Death
http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin2000-13.html?0006
Three Times a Loser
http://DarwinAwards.com/stupid/stupid2000-10.html?0006
#6 -- And the sixth most common way to ruin your health is to die while
working, like Manhole Man and the Smoking Bomb Squad.
HARD WORK REWARDS
Confirmed True by Darwin
(Georgia 1999) Fred Brooks of Forest Park, a 46 year old plumber seeking
employment, used shovels to remove a manhole cover on a street and entered
the aperture. In Fred's haste to identify the source of a sewer blockage,
he neglected to set orange warning cones. Upon exiting the manhole, he was
struck by the undercarriage of an oncoming car, and was killed.
Also read: Intelligence Blunders
http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1999-34.html?0006
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Darwin Awards Newsletter -- 15 June 2000
TIME FOR MORE DARWIN AWARDS!
What are they?
Darwin Awards celebrate Charles Darwin's theory of evolution by
commemorating the remains of those who contributed to the improvement
of our gene pool by removing themselves from it. The following
stories are some of the finest examples of evolution in action.
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LOVE CRUSHED SEX
Confirmed True by Darwin
Why you shouldn't trust the star of a snuff flick.
Florida's Okeechobee County investigators believe the death of
Bryan, 28, was related to his wife's habit of stomping rabbits
and mice for sexual pleasure. Stephanie, 29, was sentenced to
two years of probation and community service for the death of
her husband Bryan, who was found in a pit with a board over his
body, crushed beneath the rear wheel of his sports utility vehicle.
Stephanie did not deny that she drove over her husband, but
in her own defense she released tapes to the police showing her
stomping small mammals to death.
Such "crush" videos are sold to people who derive sexual pleasure
from the sight of death, especially at the hands of a woman.
"It was abhorrent and cruel," said Assistant State Attorney
Bernard Romero. "My first instinct was to seek the maximum penalty."
But Stephanie contended that she was an unwilling participant
in the videos, and had been beaten many times by her husband prior
to his bizarre death. Stephanie was charged in July with two counts
of felony animal cruelty, which were later reduced to misdemeanors.
As for her husband, his death under the wheels of his car was
presumably a loving sex act between consenting adults. But a man
who would lie in a special pit while a woman he groomed for "crush"
videos drove over him, shouldn't be surprised when he winds up
holding a Darwin Award.
VOTE: http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1999-57.html?0006
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Also read:
BREATHARIANISM: Millions of anorexics and third-world children have
tried, but "Living on Light" instead of food just doesn't pay.
http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1999-58.html?0006
HOME GROWN PARACHUTE: Trusting yourself is one thing, but even
Martha Stewart would think twice before jumping with this
hand made parachute.
http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin2000-19.html?0006
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COMPACTED IGNORANCE
2000 Personal Account
More proof that prisoners swim in the shallow end of the gene pool.
We nurses at the Indian Wabash Valley Correctional Facility in Carlisle
have to examine and treat any injuries that occur in the prison
during our shift, no matter how outrageous or compromising the
offender's situation.
One day, the lock-down alarm sounded. An offender was missing,
and thought to be an escapee. An hour later, the lock-down ended
and we received a call to report to the SHU (segregated housing unit)
where the escapee was in need of treatment.
We found him lying on a table, crying, curled in a fetal position.
The offender had crafted what seemed to him to be a perfect escape.
He worked in the garbage detail, and recruited two other trash
collectors to help him escape in the garbage truck. A garbage truck!
Who would think to look there?
He asked his two collaborators to bag him up with the trash,
load him into the trash compactor, and throw him in the truck
with the rest of the trash.
Now, imagine that you are in a maximum security prison with murderers
and rapists. And imagine that you are going to allow, even encourage,
two prisoners to seal you in a plastic bag, and put that plastic bag
into a very powerful trash compactor. What kind of illogic is that?
The schemer didn't die, but he was a bit squished. His back was never
quite the same afterwards. If his conspirators hadn't put trash
in the bag with him, he could have actually won an award instead
of just an Honorable Mention.
VOTE: http://DarwinAwards.com/personal/personal2000-18.html?0006
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Also read:
FISHMAN: Not only fish swim upstream to return to their homes.
http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1995-05.html?0006
REVENGE OF THE GOPHER: If you thought this was an Urban Legend,
you were wrong. Caddyshack in real life!
http://DarwinAwards.com/stupid/stupid2000-15.html?0006
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Brewery Mishap
Personal Account
My great-uncle worked at a brewery in Melbourne, Australia around
the turn of the century. Whilst inspecting one of the vats, he lost
his footing and fell headlong into the vat. This is more dangerous
than it sounds. Beer contains ethanol, which has a lower density
than water. He was unable to swim to the surface, drowned before
rescuers could assist him. The worst thing about it, they say,
is that the entire batch of beer had to be thrown out with him.
Quite true.
VOTE: http://DarwinAwards.com/personal/personal2000-19.html?0006
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Baby You Drive Me Crazy
Confirmed True by Darwin
Full speed ahead! A young couple was killed in a freak car accident
in Chieti, Italy this weekend. Germano and Franciska were discovered
almost completely naked, and investigators assume they were having sex
in their small Italian vehicle while it raced along Abruzzan roads
at upwards of 80mph. Italian youngsters commonly use their cars for
romantic trysts when parents forbid sex before marriage. But it is
a mystery why this pair chose sex in a car travelling at high speeds
over country roads. Germano lost control of the car in a bend, and
the 27-year old man and his 20-year-old paramour were killed
by the impact.
VOTE: http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin2000-21.html?0006
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Also read:
OUR BRIGHTEST CHEERLEADERS: Few women contend for the Darwin Awards.
These teen girls couldn't leave well enough alone, when they came
face to face with a flammable gas on their way to the beach.
http://DarwinAwards.com/stupid/stupid2000-14.html?0006
INSTANT SUNRISE: Be glad, be very glad, our nuclear weapons
Arsenal isn't armed.
http://DarwinAwards.com/personal/personal2000-21.html?0006
Copyright DarwinAwards.com (c) 2000 All Rights Reserved
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