Friday, August 1, 2014

News In Brief - August 1, 2014

BREAKING: It's Motherf***ing Hot

Canoga Park and surrounding areas have been experiencing unseasonably hot weather for over a week now, according to local weather reports. Dr. Morris Detzer, Professor of Weather at Pierce College Winnetka states that "whatever those jackasses on TV say is the high for the Valley...? Yeah, add, like another ten degrees to it, because they never actually come out here and see for themselves. It's hot. It's motherf***ing hot! Now get the hell out of my office! You're using up all the a/c." Reached later by email, the uncharacteristically cranky, irritable head of the university's meteorology department noted, "It's never going to end, not ever. It's just going to go on like this, and it's going to get worse and worse and worse. Remember that episode of 'The Twilight Zone' when the Earth flew out of orbit and was hurtling toward the sun? That's what we're looking at. And stop emailing me. You're overheating the processor on my laptop." While merchants in the area have noted an increase of sales and thefts of ice cream and cold drinks, deodorant purchases remain at their usual low, possibly accounting for the odor along sections of Valerio Street.

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Local Bank Replaces Tellers With In-Branch ATMs

Following an extensive renovation, the Chase Bank located at Vassar and Sherman Way, in Canoga Park's bustling Vassman neighborhood, this week unveiled a suite of in-branch automatic teller machines equipped to perform most of the basic functions used by busy customers heading inside. A spokesperson for the bank noted that the new time-saving kiosks were designed with "an eye towards efficiency," freeing up former tellers who have been retrained to grab customers out of line, sit them down in cubicles and spend a minimum of fifteen to twenty minutes "reviewing their accounts" while encouraging CD, IRA and money market investments as well as offering additional financial services. Said local resident Téodor Pasternak, "I just went in to get change for this twenty and next thing I know it's forty-five minutes later. I finally signed paperwork for a second mortgage just to get the hell out of there. And I'm a renter!"

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Scott Baio Visits New Canoga Park Eatery "Dog Haus"

Actor and 70s-80s heartthrob Scott Baio dropped by the newly-opened Dog Haus hotdoggery on Topanga Canyon Boulevard recently, enjoying a delicious meal and later tweeting about the occasion. In related news, rival hot dog chain Wienerschnitzel, located on the corner of Loma Verde and Sherman Way in Canoga Park's derlicious Shermaverde neighborhood, announced via press release that "this dude Larry who attended a taping of a season four episode of 'Charles In Charge' back in 1988 comes through our drive-thru like all the time."

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Enthusiastic IWAG Beckons Shoppers to Buy HDTVs

Travelers along Canoga Boulevard are the target of a yellow Inflatable Wavy Arm Guy, or IWAG, who has been using the thrashing, spastic movements of his ripstop nylon limbs and tube-like trunk to encourage passersby to "come on in" and look at his employer's selection of quality high-definition televisions, or HDTVs. The frenetic and erratic spasms of the peppy 20' tall fellow - originally seen curbside but eventually moved off the street, possibly after lurching unpredictably into oncoming traffic - caught the eye of DeSoto Avenue resident Brian Rauschebart who runs "at least three times a week" along the bike path parallel to Canoga Avenue. "Yeah, forget Amazon and Best Buy and Fry's, I'm going to buy my high-end electronics from a generic character that has the letters 'HDTV' half-assedly [sic] spray painted on it," he said. While it was unclear whether Rauschebart was serious, information gathered by the Quilt confirmed that whatever business is being advertised by the IWAG is indeed a magnificent choice for purchasing all your home theater needs.

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CPZ: Canoga Park Sand Mound Throws Sand In Justin Bieber's Face

Celebrity news outlet CPZ reported Wednesday that municipally protected landmark the Canoga Park Sand Mound recently got into a tussle with pop star Justin Bieber at popular hotspot Club Vivé located along Canoga Park's fabled Topanga Canyon Strip. According to one unidentified witness, "this one said something, and then that one said something else, and next thing you know, the Sand Mound is flinging sand at Bieber. Everyone cheered." This marks the latest in an ongoing series of troubles for the Canadian singer, 20, but the first brush with notoriety for the Sand Mound, which heretofore had been described as a large, inanimate pile of sand that had been mysteriously dumped at the corner of Vassar and Valerio four months ago. "You make this regrettable decision to always include a Sand Mound blurb in these 'News In Brief' posts, but eventually the ideas start drying up," reports an anonymous source who further admitted feeling conflicted about "whether this one is too, eugh, 'meta.'"