WHAT IS INTIMACY

a close, familiar, affectionate and belonging relationship with another person

a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a person

a close connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other

It comes from the Latin root word “intimus”, which is “intimate” in English and means “innermost.”

In the noun form, it means close friend or associate, especially a confidant.

In the verb form, it means to make known; to announce.

The adjective form provides insight that reveals how intimacy would be described in a marriage relationship.

Intimacy includes sexual relations to indicate the intertwining of body and soul.

associated in close personal relations

characterized by or involving warm friendship or a personally close or familiar association or feeling

knowledge and understanding arising from close personal connection or familiar experience

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engaged in or characterized by sexual relations

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detailed; deep

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showing a close union or combination of particles or elements

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inmost; deep within

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of, relating to, or characteristic of the inmost or essential nature; intrinsic

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of, relating to, or existing in the inmost depths of the mind

TYPES OF INTIMACY

Physical intimacy includes the sharing of each other’s body.

Emotional intimacy involves sharing feelings with each other.

Spiritual intimacy involves sharing the spiritual life of each other.

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Intellectual intimacy is sharing thoughts and ideas with each other.

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Experiential intimacy is doing activities together.

These are the the most basic and general types of intimacy based on the definitions of intimacy and describe how people relate to one another at different levels.

Within marriage, the two types of intimacy most people complain about are physical and emotional. In reality, if they are having problems in one of these areas, the others will be affected as well.

If your marriage is not meeting the physical, emotional, and social needs of each other, you have an intimacy problem.

PHYSICAL INTIMACY

If we define physical intimacy issues as all things related to the physical body, then sexual relations can be negatively affected by:

Low libido

Erectile dysfunction

Masturbation

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Stress

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Exhaustion

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Medical issues

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Painful intercourse

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Hormone problems (pregnancy, menopause, etc.)

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Sexually transmitted diseases

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Poor sexual techniques

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Misunderstandings about anatomy and physiology

This is not an exhaustive list but it’s clear many intimacy issues are caused by problems within the physical body.

However, physical intimacy is not only affected by things related to the body.

People are made up of body and soul, and when the body experiences problems, the soul will as well.

EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

If we define emotional intimacy issues as all things related to a person’s thoughts and feelings, then how one thinks and feels about themselves or others, affects their relationship.

Some might say emotional intimacy is just intimacy without sex but within marriage, that would be an incomplete relationship.

If a person has difficulty sharing their feelings with their spouse they will have difficulty sharing their body as well.

There are many reasons why people have problems connecting on an emotional level but two of the most common reasons are bad memories from a childhood trauma, or premarital sex. The common thread in both these instances is the vicious cycle of guilt and shame.

Children who have been molested, neglected, abused or abandoned are love avoidant. Because they were mistreated in the past, they are insecure about the future and have difficulty trusting others.

Their fear of relationships comes from uncertainty that a person will care for, love and protect them and they may not be willing to risk being hurt again.

This can lead to emotional attachment avoidance, even though they may be willing to physically engage in sex.

Some will become sexually active at a young age. In their hearts, they want affection and approval. But they often pursue sexual relations that lack non-sexual affection because they don’t know what it is.

Because they don’t know what to look for, they will never sense any certainty in a relationship and by default, will avoid getting emotionally attached.

Their view of love is warped and leads to a fear of love because it may backfire and hurt them.

Fornication, or premarital sex, usually leaves a person with unresolved guilt.

Although they may not have felt guilty at the time, it often surfaces once they are married. Then they are unable to fully commit to their spouse because they feel shame from their past.

They know fornication was wrong, so the guilt that haunts them is carried over to their spouse and now they feel guilty for having sex within marriage. This guilt prevents them from fully giving their body to their spouse, or from fully enjoying sexual pleasure for themselves.

Both of these issues also lead to people feeling insecure about themselves. They may be overly concerned about their body image or physical performance.

Because they feel shame about being sexually involved outside of a normal, loving, marital relationship, they do not approve of themselves and therefore feel others do not approve of them either.

In both of these instances, there is a cure. The person who feels shame because of childhood sexual abuse is experiencing false guilt and needs to be taught that as a victim of somebody else’s sin, they did no wrong and bear no guilt for the event.

For the person who had premarital sex, guilt is a naturally occurring response to sin that takes place in in the conscience. Confession will cleanse the conscience and provide freedom to move forward, knowing the sin was paid for on the cross.

There are certainly many other reasons why people fail to connect with others emotionally. The bottom line is that regardless of why people have a fear of relationships, they share the same difficulty of cultivating a deep emotional relationship.

INTIMACY DISORDERS

The most common intimacy disorders are commitment issues, lack of intimacy, and fear of intimacy, and each one is discussed in more detail below.

Other intimacy disorders are caused by a perversion of the original design for sex and relationships, including homosexuality. Sex was intended by God to be shared between one man and one woman.

Sex was meant to bond them together emotionally as they enjoyed the pleasure physically.

It was also God’s design for populating the earth. He told them to be fruitful and multiply.

However, people often confuse sex with intimacy and assume that if you have one you have the other.

Whenever the sexual act is separated from emotional attachment you have “false intimacy.”

Unless there are genuine medical problems in the body, intimacy without sex, or sex without emotional intimacy, are considered abnormal.

When sex is disconnected from a personal relationship, people become objects, and sex is an act used for personal gratification only.

Pornography and masturbation are prime examples of this. But husbands and wives are often guilty of just using each other’s body for their own personal sexual gratification.

People who live with patterns of false intimacy are typically insecure or lazy. They are proud, often self-righteous, and don’t want anyone to know who they really are because they might be rejected.

Why bother with that risk if you can have sex without working through relational complications?

The reverse is also true. Intimacy without sex is a perverted twist of how God designed marriage.

Unless there are genuine medical issues or physical limitations, a sexless marriage is disobedience and does not honor God or the spouse who is being deprived.

Sex should never be used as a weapon or a reward!

Cultivating and nurturing intimacy in genuinely loving relationships requires a lot of time and effort.

People must be willing to set aside their own selfish desires and serve their spouse by sharing their hearts and their bodies the way God intended!

COMMITMENT ISSUES

People are often afraid of making commitments without really knowing the reason why. Some people had poor role models as children or their parents divorced and they fear making the same mistakes.

Childhood abuse or neglect, or other dysfunctional family dynamics, often make a lasting mark on people.

Misplaced trust or unmet needs may cause them to fear any emotional intimacy with anyone on any level.

Adultery leaves similar marks on the spouse who was cheated on. They have trust issues that are hard to overcome.

When trust is broken, people often become determined that won’t happen to them again so they become control freaks who must rule how the relationship works and require it be on their terms or not at all.

LACK OF INTIMACY

There are many possible reasons for a lack of intimacy in marriage. Besides insecurity and laziness, people are selfish and often grow bored.

But there are often logistical reasons that are easy to overlook.

People who do shift work and don't go to bed at the same time as their spouse.

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Age related health problems.

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Different stages of parenting, like dealing with a new baby, or late nights with teens.

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Electronics in the bedroom, including TVs and cell phones.

Overall, these intimacy issues are much easier to overcome than emotional intimacy issues.

But the one thing people overlook the most is unresolved conflict.

If a husband spoke harshly to his wife in the morning and gets the cold shoulder at bedtime, he ought to get the clue.

But some conflicts are more deep seated.

For example, if a husband is the sole income earner and a wife stays home with the kids, she may fear what might happen if her husband got injured or died.

She may have tried talking to the husband about saving more money or getting a life insurance policy.

But if he isn’t willing to talk about it or work on a plan with her, she is going to have a hard time being physically intimate because in her heart, she feels like he doesn’t care about the future of their children.

Learn to engage the power of words, time and harmony to grow and strengthen your relationship.

​A set of 45 tips to help you overcome intimacy issues.

Get ready to grow deep roots in your marriage and take intimacy to a level you never thought possible with this set of 45 actionable tips you can start using today and help YOUR marriage overcome intimacy issues!

FEAR OF INTIMACY SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS

People are naturally self-protective and want a guarantee that the person they love will love them back. Most people fear rejection and will go to great lengths to avoid it.

There are websites that offer “fear of intimacy tests” but they are not reliable. They take advantage of people’s desire for certainty--but nothing in life is certain.

It is better to spend sufficient time with a person before making a commitment. There are some symptoms of the fear of intimacy that are very subtle, but in time, become more obvious.

You many not recognize all of these fear of intimacy signs, but they are the most common ones.

WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT INTIMACY

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

God had spent days creating the earth and plants and animals. When he was done, the Bible says, “And God saw that it was good.”

But Adam being alone was not good! Man was somehow incomplete even before sin and the fall. So God made a “helper” specifically suited to fulfill Adam’s needs. The woman was created to help by meeting the man’s physical, emotional and social needs.

By definition, intimacy in marriage requires the help of a companion.

Although man was not designed to face life on his own, God did not create the helper to be a sex slave. Nor was man created to be a slave to his sex drive.

Life was meant to be so much more than sex. Man was designed to be known and loved by a friend. Life would be fulfilling with the help of a loving friend.

The word for “helper” is ēzer. In the Old Testament it refers to God, who is Israel’s “helper” in times of trouble. It is described as one who runs to the aid of another in difficulties. There is no sense the helper is a servant or assistant.

The “helper” is “an independent person who makes up a significant deficiency or helplessness in the other.” This implies that man, on his own, is deficient and helpless in some way.

Genesis 2:19-20

Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.

God assigned Adam the job of naming the animals. When he was done, it was clear to Adam that he was missing something.

Adam recognized his need for intimacy.

He did not have a relationship with the animals. And though he had a relationship with God, it appears he needed another human, someone of his own “kind” to relate to. God made the helper to fulfill Adam’s need for “human” companionship.

There are no other relationships mentioned in the creation work besides the one between man and woman. Man’s need for a friend and helper was met by the woman.

Genesis 2:21-23

So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh.

And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.

Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

​​In Genesis chapter one, God ‘names’ the things He creates. He establishes their identity and differentiates between them. He defines a separation of one thing from another. He separated the light from the darkness, etc.

Adam did the same when he named the animals. He identified each creature in hope of finding one suitable to be his ‘helper.’

But all other creatures were made from the ground as a different species. Only the woman came from man and shows the complementary purpose between man and woman.

She was not a clone of Adam. She was similar because she came from his flesh and bones and was the same species. But she was different from him because she was a new creation. She was an individual with a different makeup of body and personality.

They were designed with different genders and different roles.The Hebrew word for woman is “ishah” and comes from the Hebrew word for man, “ish.” It clearly defines woman similar, yet opposite from man, indicating gender difference. The woman was a necessary counterpart to help the man populate the earth.

The New Testament repeats that woman came from man and was designed specifically for man.

1 Corinthians 11:8-9

For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.

1 Peter 3:17You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

​From the very beginning, marriage was God’s gift to mankind.

God never planned for man to have commitment issues.

Genesis 2:24

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Leaving means withdrawing. It means stepping out from under the parent’s authority. Leaving parents indicates the marriage is now the most important relationship that takes priority over all others.

The New Testament emphasizes marriage over other relationships in Ephesians 5:19-20, 6:1-9 and Colossians 3:16-25.

In both passages the husband/wife relationship comes first. This is important for parents (usually mothers) who get so focused on the kids they neglect the marriage. In the Bible, the parent/child relationship always plays second fiddle to the marriage. And finally, we see the master/slave relationship. Even work, job, career, etc. are not as important as the marriage.

Take note that friendship with others is not mentioned in the creation week or in these New Testament passages.

Marriage was designed to be the essential social relationship for emotional intimacy.

Cleaving means indivisible. Cleave comes from the word glue and means things are so stuck together that nothing can separate them. Such unity requires a wholehearted commitment to another in an inseparable union.

When two things are glued together to make one new thing, any attempt to separate it will not break it up into the original two things again. It will tear it in pieces that will never be the same as before they were glued.

Become one flesh means unity. The unity is emphasized not as just being inseparable but also no longer having separate interests. These two are merged into one as a partnership. They are no longer to act as independent individuals. One is the indivisible number.

There was no fear of intimacy in the first human marriage.

Genesis 2:25

And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Before sin, there was no disappointment in the first marriage. There were no barriers between them for emotional or physical intimacy. The couple was totally bare and exposed to each other. Of course they started fulfilling their role to multiply the earth with sexual union, but that’s not all.

They were also given the mandate to subdue the earth and take dominion over all living creatures. They were co-regents on earth. In order to fulfill the roles God have given them, they had to work toward the same goals, communicate clearly and get along with each other.

They totally enjoyed each other as they went about the business God had given them to do. They shared all of life together without doubts, fear or criticism.

But it didn’t last long. After they ate the forbidden fruit, they hid and covered themselves.

Sin and shame separated them and created intimacy issues for all generations to come.

Their guilt created fear, not just a fear of God. They lost trust in each other and the fear of intimacy was born. Sin and shame continue to drive wedges between people.

Genesis 3:7-8

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.

Their sin hampered their intimacy with God, and with each other. Instead of seeking intimacy, they were seeking how to protect themselves. And instead of being open and vulnerable to each other, they now tried to hide their shame and blame others for their sin.

God cursed the serpent who tempted them, then cursed their relationship. The intimacy Eve had enjoyed before sin was gone. But not the desire for it.

Genesis 3:16-19

To the woman he said, “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; in pain you shall bring forth children; your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”

And to Adam he said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, ‘You shall not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field.

By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

The husband now had a new attitude toward the wife. A sinful attitude.

Adam’s job had changed from tending the garden to toiling amongst thorns and thistles. Now it was his job to provide for their needs and it would require hard labor. He will be consumed with making a living and have little energy left for anything else. His life is focused on work. At day’s end, he is tired and expects his helper to serve him however his selfish desires dictate.

Although sin brought pride and selfishness into the heart of all mankind, marriage can still be a union with intimacy that involves helping, companionship, sexuality, kinship and shared lives.

God promised redemption for mankind, which can also redeem Christian marriage.

Genesis 3:15

And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her Seed; He shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise His heel.

Romans 6:14For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.

The promised “Seed” is Jesus Christ. When men and women are redeemed from their sin, they have to ability to overcome sin and selfishness and their roles in a Christian marriage can be fulfilled the way God designed them BECAUSE Christ broke the power of sin in them.

OVERCOMING FEAR OF INTIMACY

Fear is only overcome by faith. When people trust God for their future, they don’t need to fear being vulnerable or committed.

God has promised to meet their every need so they don’t need a guarantee from their spouse. They can openly give themselves with faith that God will work all things together for their good.

The key to overcoming fear of intimacy is biblical communication and commitment. Both are required in order to build trust and to help each other put the past behind.

Instead of looking for a guarantee for the perfect relationship, both spouses must learn to trust their loving God for their future. Perfect love casts out fear.

They also must change their attitudes about intimacy. Whether they are having intimacy issues because they are self-serving or self-protecting, they need to stop looking at self and look at what God desires for their relationship.

When intimacy becomes a way to glorify God instead of gratifying self, the relationship can be healed and enjoyed in ways they never dreamed possible.

3 STEPS TO RESTORE INTIMACY

EMBRACE GOD’S PURPOSE FOR MARRIAGE

​When husbands and wives stop hiding and covering themselves up, they break down the barrier that sin builds between them.

Regardless of past failures and pains, confession, repentance and renewal can open the doors for intimacy.

Both the husband and wife need to acknowledge that the wife is God’s gift to the man. If the man thinks the woman is his personal servant to meet only his physical needs, he totally misses the concept of companionship.

The husband needs a helper, a friend who will come to his aid because she cares deeply for him. Not because he can order her around and force her to meet his demands.

Whether it’s encouraging him when he is distressed, caring for him when he is sick, going fishing with him for recreation, confronting him when he sins, or having sex with him for pleasure, she can meet many of his needs.

The woman was designed to be man’s closest companion, a friend to share all of life with. Somebody who would make life more meaningful because of the shared interests, ideas, goals and desires.

God didn’t create a buddy for the man because that’s not what man needs most.

Man needs somebody to share his body with and as he does, he is freed to share his heart. He needs somebody to bare his soul to and not feel ashamed because he knows this person is part of him, they are one flesh. What matters to him matters to his wife.

In their union, they share the same experiences. When one feels pain, so does the other. When one experiences joy, so does the other. Each one is concerned for the other’s welfare because they are mutually dependent on the other. When they serve each other, they ultimately serve themselves.

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EMBRACE GOD’S PATTERN FOR INTIMACY

If there’s no emotional intimacy in the marriage, then physical intimacy will suffer.

The man needs to know that sex without companionship is just a selfish way for him to gratify his sexual desires.

False intimacy is based on sex alone. Sex will become utilitarian instead of the hot passion he desires.

If the man is not interested in his wife’s thoughts and feelings, she won’t be able to connect with him. But with genuine intimacy, emotional bonds deepen physical desires. As he opens up to her emotionally, she opens up to him physically.

The woman needs to know that sex is not a duty separate from companionship, but a way for her husband to bond with her like he can with no other. It’s not just her duty, it should be her delight!

God designed her body to receive incredible pleasure through sex. She should enjoy it, not tolerate it. Many men claim they feel most connected with their wives when they are physically intimate and more sexually fulfilled when they can please their wives. Therefore, it benefits the wife to fully engage and enjoy the physical intimacy.

The man and woman experience true intimacy when their bodies come together and it knits their hearts together even more. And as their hearts are knit together through the shared experiences of life, they celebrate their life together by sharing their bodies even more. This cycle creates a growth pattern for intimacy.

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PURSUE GOD’S METHODS TO ENHANCE INTIMACY

How well you communicate determines the depth of your intimacy.

You must reveal yourselves to each other physically and emotionally. Through words and deeds.

What happens when you neglect one of these?

Friendship without sex is for buddies.

Sex without friendship is for prostitutes.

True intimacy is enhanced through conversation, honesty, vulnerability and exchange. People are bound together as they share the secrets and desires of their hearts.

A couple must constantly be working to connect with each other through self-disclosure. They should grow in their awareness of the other person’s thoughts and experiences of life. They should grow in awareness about each other’s sexual desires.

Intimacy in marriage grows as each spouse connects with the other mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

HOW TO BE INTIMATE

Do you feel lonely and rejected?

Would you define your sex life as cold and mechanical?

Are you missing out on any of these types of intimacy?

Physical intimacy includes the sharing of each other's body.

Emotional intimacy involves sharing feelings with each other.

Spiritual intimacy involves sharing the spiritual life with each other.

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Intellectual intimacy is sharing thoughts and ideas with each other.

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Experiential intimacy is doing activities together.

Overcoming intimacy issues may seem impossible.

You can't fix them all at once. It will take time but it is possible!

The secret is to start with yourself and start small.

Just doing one small thing every day will begin to change your heart and eventually your relationship.

Once you start seeing results, the momentum will create more motivation. You can do it!

You choose whether or not to have intimacy in your marriage.

If you don’t have it, you can cultivate it.

If it’s weak, you can strengthen it.

If you need help, I have it.

Enter your name and email below for instant access to 45 "small" things you can start doing today that will make "big" improvements in your marriage.

Learn to engage the power of words, time and harmony to grow and strengthen your relationship.

​A set of 45 tips to help you overcome intimacy issues.

Get ready to grow deep roots in your marriage and take intimacy to a level you never thought possible with this set of 45 actionable tips you can start using today and help YOUR marriage overcome intimacy issues!