Dear E. Jean: I gain and lose the same 10 pounds over and over. When I'm lighter I feel great. When I'm heavier my old back injury flares up, I move slower, and I feel cranky. I slowly relinquish my sense of self until one day I snap out of it, start dieting and exercising, and drop the weight—again! I do this multiple times a year.

The problem is that I'm severely addicted to sugar and have no idea how to get it out of my life. My job saps my energy, and I supplement my tiredness with gummy worms, chocolate, and ice cream. There must be a way to stop this cycle! I'm 25, and I know the day is soon coming when the 10 pounds won't fall off so easily.—Addiction Is Never Sweet

My Dear Miss Addiction: Sugar is a woman. She's a witch. A siren. A mother. A genius. A baby. A devil. A bitch. Sugar is Anna Karenina, Lisbeth Salander, and Emma Woodhouse rolled into one. If I knew how to get her out of your life—for good, without the gimmicks—I'd be writing to you from the set of my $3 million infomercial. I can, however, give you the eight weird tactics that work for me 83 percent of the time. (The other 17 percent I just give in and let Sugar have her agonizingly delicious way with me.)

1. Know the catastrophe you're facing, and annihilate Sugar's temptations. Clear her out of your kitchen, bedroom, office, car, handbag, life. If you can't stop yourself from buying her on the street, permit yourself only enough cash to get back and forth to work, then put your credit cards in a plastic bag, fill a coffee can with water, put the cards in the can and the can in the fridge, and freeze 'em.

2. Prepare for battle. About once every 20 minutes, Sugar tarts up and propositions Willpower, and pretty soon Willpower gets tired of saying no, no, no, and starts saying yes, yes, yes—and that's when you begin regaining the weight. A ton of research (see John Tierney's laudable January 5, 2012, New York Times piece, "Be It Resolved") shows that the "more you starve your body, the less glucose there will be in your bloodstream, and that means less willpower." When your job "saps your energy," gird your loins with a steady stream of pineapple chunks, cherries, raspberries, orange sections, etc.

3. Don't eat anything with a soul. The smartly dressed ELLE fact-checkers are about to suffer group apoplexy—I adore them, but to hell with it! I can't prove it, but 40 years of observation have led me to conclude (A) vegetarians are slimmer (and totally cooler) than meat eaters; and (B) when I quit eating dead cows and slaughtered chickens, Miss Sugar's powers sank by about 35 percent. (From the fact-checkers: "There is no laudable science on this, but since you're claiming it `works for you,' we'll let you say that.")

4. Get a friend to yell at you. The best coaches are the ones who threaten to release the Kraken on you.

5. If you're about to cave, imagine an enemy not caving. You'll regain your self-control.

6. Scales are stupid. Stay off the bastards! People like you and me who are obsessed with numbers can't have them in the house.

8. Chop your goal to pieces. Look at the stats: You're enthralled by the number 10, right? So this time around do not weigh yourself. Judge by your looks, the fit of your clothes, your mood. This will break Sugar's clutches. It's tough, but you can do it! Good luck!