Make Mine Male

Illustration by Bob AulTo the coffeehouse barista who thinks she's so dazzlingly beautiful that my daily kindnesses—in the form of smiling, asking how she's doing, leaving a generous tip along with my sincere thanks—can only be blunt attempts to lure her into my bed; who gossips in front of other coffeehouse patrons that I'm an idiot for thinking she'll ever sleep with a guy my age; who apparently believes I could overlook her impoverished education, lack of general refinement and slovenly dress because of her astonishing physical beauty; who secretly laughs me off as a "45-year-old horndog" trying desperately to glimpse her young breasts. To this barista, I have just three words: get over yourself. I'm as queer as Quentin Crisp, and you're a stupid young woman. While there's no hope of changing the former, there's still some very slim hope you'll do something about the latter. Meantime, I'll keep taking mine black.