Very bittersweet. I love seeing all my friends, but I was surprised at how homesick I was. It didn’t help that written comprehensives were looming in the near future. I had a hard time sleeping, which made me very anxious. But more on that another time. The bright spot: My test is over! And in two weeks, I’ll know the results.

Food. Oh food. All I want to do after taking my test is go out and pig out. But alas, that’s not happening. Which makes me sad, but also makes me realize: I reward myself with food. It’s cheap and temporarily fulfilling. I look forward to good food, and I enjoy good food. And this is not necessarily a bad thing, but the key is Moderation. I think drastically changing my diet has made me realize I lack the moderation needed. It has also forced me to look for other areas of reward. Painting my toenails, watching an episode of HIMYM, or going to the mall have all been areas I’ve enjoyed the past 9 days, but without the added snacking. And that feels pretty darn good.

I’ve been out to eat almost every day since beginning this diet, just because of a lot of family and friend celebrations occurring. Panera, Ruby Tuesdays, and BD’s Mongolian Barbecue were all good experiences. Olive garden was a bit tricky, but I worked it out with the Red Sauce and Mushroom Ravioli. Is the Ravioli made with egg? I don’t’ think so, but I did not get a definite internet search about it, so it’s possible. But hey, at least I tried. I’ve found less enjoyment in the food, however I have realized I’ve found more enjoyment in the company. Not to get all philosophical, but isn’t that what it’s about?

My menu options are drastically reduced, but I have yet to find a restaurant that isn’t accommodating to my dietary preferences. I am also full at the end of the meal, and mostly satisfied. (Exception: eating the vegetable side platter at Ruby Tuesdays. Not that it wasn’t delicious, but girlfriend needs more protein…) And instead of stuffing my face, I feel good at the end of the meal, not overfull. And I still get to see the people that I love, and interact with them in a meaningful way.

My snacking varies day to day, but I will say that it has been happily reduced overall. I don’t reach for pizza rolls or cereal at 10pm at night. At the worst, I did have a chips and salsa binge. But overall, this area is so much better that this diet is already worth it to me. I will, ahem, delicately state that my digestive system needed some time to get use to my new, healthier, eating style, but I am basically acclimated at this point. Tip: Avoid over-fibering your diet right away. Ease in slowly.

And one back to school. Here I am. Sitting in my walk-in closet sized room, on my twin bed. I feel like I’m dorming again. Which is something I thought I would have turned my back on forever, to be honest.

The Lord is good. I am rooming at a friends house for 10 weeks. Most school weeks are only 4 days, which means extra long weekends to spend with the hubs. Every Friday is something to get excited about, because it means going home to see the people I love. It’s funny, because I was so used to being in the clinic I forgot what school even meant, but now that I’m back, I can already feel myself adjusting, falling back into that familiar routine. And while I wouldn’t have chosen it, it honestly is kind of nice.

And here I am. I will say it again: The Lord is good.

You would think I’d know by now that everything will be okay. This is something I’ve been dreading for weeks. And yet, I’ve spent the last few hours catching up with friends and its been nice. A bright spot that I wasn’t expecting to my day. And that’s how it works. Just when I think things are looking dim, God sends me a bright spot.

Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will not be shaken.
My victory and honor come from God alone.
He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
O my people, trust in him at all times.
Pour out your heart to him,
for God is our refuge. – Psalm 62

God placed this passage in my heart on Sabbath. Once I read it, my worries became smaller. They did not dim completely, because the Devil still works on our hearts, and he definitely knows how to hit my weak spots. But I was able to look up this passage several times yesterday and today, and each time, it quiets my soul.

God is it. He is my refuge, my rock, my hope, and my salvation. Life is hard, but God is mighty. Whatever the future may hold, whatever my tomorrow brings, I know that my victory comes from God alone.

My motivation to study drops drastically after 11am. For some reason I have programmed my body to study up in the AM and chill down in the PM. Seriously, this whole break has been a constant battle between me and Netflix.

Today Netflix conquered me, I am ashamed to admit. My morning was taken up by running errands and taking kittens to the vet, my afternoon shamelessly (shamefully…) wasted on two episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, and a HIMYM marathon. 8 pm and I can’t stop.

It’s funny, because I can never just shake it off. I always get the feeling. I can never just relax, especially if it’s all I’ve been doing all day. My brain cannot mentally shut off the panic mode of STUDY STUDY STUDY.

But here I am. I know if I crack a book, I won’t get a thing out of it. It’s just how my mental process works. This close to bed time and I just don’t soak it in. All through college I’ve been the one who wakes up at 4am and goes to bed at 10pm the night before a test. I don’t pull all-nighters. I barely pull nighters. And yet right now I feel the draw to cram info into my brain. In 5 days I have a test over EVEYRTHING I have ever learned in grad school. I should be more worried.

Right?

You know what? Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will wake up, do my devotions, eat a good breakfast, and sit down and study. I will read about geriatrics and pediatrics and orthopedics and neurology. I’ll cram different types of wound dressings into my brain in the morning. For now, I think I won’t get another chance to ever sit on a couch and marathon veg out. At least not for awhile. So I’m gonna stick with that. I’ll let ya know how that goes in a few weeks when I get the results of my written comps back.

Vegan chocolate. They are called “Chocolove” bars which is appropriate as I LOVE them. Although I’ve eaten two in the past two days, so I think that I will not buy them again for awhile. The point of this vegan month was to get healthy, and vegan or not, I don’t think eating giant chocolate bars is especially healthful.

So far the past few days have been good. More eating out than I expected. PF Changs yesterday for the hubs b-day, and Panera with my mom and sister today. Both were very pleasant experiences, although Changs accidentally gave us the steamed pork instead of the steamed vegetable dumplings, so that was a bit of a shocking bite. Our server was very apologetic however, and we weren’t charged, so yay for free appetizers! I had the Mediterranean vege sandwich without feta cheese at panera, and coffee with soy milk. Both were delightful.

Little more snacking than I would like. Hummus and pita chips have become a close friend these past few days. I think with a more normal school schedule come Monday I will hopefully snack less. I have been trying to control it more today, and I think it’s going better.

Overall I definitely feel better. That’s what’s shocked me the most. It’s only been 4 days, so perhaps it’s more psychological than anything, but regardless I’ve found that I really like how I feel.

It started Sunday- waking up with that dreaded feeling of break almost being over. On the one hand, I’m glad I won’t be lazy any more, because let’s be honest- besides one day of intensive cleaning, I have not gotten a lot done.

But, on the other, I love it when my sisters are home and my husband is off in the evenings, and I can just be. When I look back at everything that’s happened this last month, it has been lovely. And I am sad.

I struggle with this a lot. This sapping of my spirit. Not to sound dramatic. But you know how your life is sailing along at a wonderful pace and then wham! ? That’s how going back to school after a break feels. Because this is what I love. Being with my husband. Spending time with my family. Going shopping. Sipping coffee and watching 30 rock on Netflix.

And this upcoming year is hard. I keep trying to come to terms with the fact that there are hurdles to conquer, and to mentally prepare. But every time I think of going on two more clinicals…two more awkward first weeks of not knowing anything. Two more experiences of feeling inadequate. Two more commutes And then boards. And then finding a job. And then getting good at that job.

I’m scared.

But. This is where I struggle, and this is where I want to work on in my life. Yes, this year will be hard. But one thing at a time.

I have 3 months of seeing my friends, of a bit of clinical break coming up. And I will enjoy it. After that, Clinicals will fly, because they always do. After that, I will take and pass my boards. And after that I’ll find a great job with good benefits and wonderful people to train me, and I will settle in.

Do I want this all now? Yes. Is it part of my journey to learn to wait? Yes.

God tells us not to fear. Anything. Don’t worry about the future, Don’t fear hardships, Don’t fear even death. And if I’m not suppose to be afraid of death, I’m probably not suppose to worry about taking a test.

The following is from Matthew 6.

25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing,29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God[d] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today”

There are weeks I read this daily. There are days I read this hourly. Because as simple as this passage is, it is the truth. My needs are taken care of. God will give me everything I need. It goes beyond what I will eat and drink. It goes to my career. It goes to my clinical placement. It goes to my marriage. In every aspect of life, God’s got it. Worry “dominate[s] the thoughts of unbelievers”. And I am not an unbeliever.

I can prepare for my tests. I can arrange my clinical placement. I can sign up for my boards. But will I spend today worrying about passing my test? Or worrying I won’t go to the place I want to? Or worrying I won’t make it through my boards? Or worrying I’ll be bad at my first job? No. Because I am called as a christian to let God handle it.

And He will. Sometimes I chastise myself by thinking “How dare you?” because really, How Dare I? How dare I worry about the future when God has proved himself over. and over. and over. and over. that He has my life in His hands and it all works for His glory.I know this because I see it in my life. over. and over. and over. I spent years miserable, because I couldn’t grasp this concept. But God is shaping me always, and I think today is a chance for me to try and get it right.

So even though today is one day closer to change, I think I’ll let God worry about it.