Dave Bakke: Widowers enjoy the company they keep

Sunday

Jul 28, 2013 at 12:01 AMJul 28, 2013 at 11:21 AM

Common wisdom holds that, in the older generation at least, the husband goes first. Life expectancy statistics bear that out. Women generally live longer than men. Widows are more common than widowers.

Dave Bakke

Common wisdom holds that, in the older generation at least, the husband goes first. Life expectancy statistics bear that out. Women generally live longer than men. Widows are more common than widowers.

“I think the women are better at handling the loss of a spouse than men are. They get up and go and keep active. Men, they sit around and mope and become despaired and like hermits.”

That is from Wendell (Buzz) Hahn. His wife, Ruth, died 11 years ago. They had been married almost 50 years.

“Two or three years ago,” he says, “I got to talking to one of my friends I played tennis with. His wife had died. It had been a few months, and he told me what a lousy time he was having and he was really down. I said, ‘We know some others like us, should we get a little group started?’ “

They decided to call a couple of other men who were about the same age and see what happened. The result is Widowers Unincorporated, an unusual support group.

The men meet at Fritz’s restaurant in Springfield once a month. Nothing is off limits for discussion, including (gasp) sex.

One of the members, says Buzz, had met a woman and things were progressing nicely. But, he told the group, if he and the woman progressed to what we might call “intimate,” he felt like he would be disrespecting the memory of his wife. It’s an issue that needed to be talked about, and, after the obligatory ribbing, they got down to a serious discussion.

Speaking of women, the group does draw some interest from the opposite sex. “I’ve seen some looking at us with a jaundiced eye,” jokes Shelby Harbison, the oldest member of the group at 88, soon to be 89.

Shelby, a legend in Springfield radio, is one of the original members of Widowers Unincorporated. The other members are Dick Stockbarger, Pat Noonan, Robert Prentice, Byron Luers and Thomas Roberts. All are in their 80s.

“At one time,” says Buzz, “we had 11 members. We’re down to seven. We’ve had two deaths, one marriage and one who is now in assisted living.”

“Yeah, we kicked one guy out,” says Shelby. “He got married on us.”

With all members being in their 80s, I assumed that this is not a group that meets very late at night. I was right. Buzz says they arrive at Fritz’s at 5:30 p.m. and are usually home by 7:30.

They are open for more members so they can, Buzz says, “inspire guys to quit sitting at home vegetating.” Anyone interested can call him (546-2672).

“I don’t know another group like it,” he says. “We have fun. Nobody’s telling off-color jokes or stories they shouldn’t tell. But if somebody’s got something on their mind and they want to talk about it, it comes up. We’ve had some pretty good political discussions.

“We had one guy who just noticed us from across the room. That was Pat Noonan. He saw us and said, ‘Hey, I already know half these guys.’ One thing led to another and he got in within the past year. He said he’s really enjoyed the group and it’s been good for him.”

And that is the whole point of Widowers Unincorporated.

Know of something quirky? Emotional? Funny? Inspiring? Dave Bakke is your man and his deadline is always near. Pitch your idea to him at dave.bakke@sj-r.com or (217) 788-1541. His column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. To read more, visit www.sj-r.com/bakke.

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