Saturday, March 7, 2015

My boyfriend and dad decided to leave so they could go get my stuff and my mom something to get better with after breakfast. "hurry back the baby wont wait for you. "Francine my sister in law arrived at the hospital not even 15 minutes after i called. One thing i have to say, she is always reliable. Bradyn my nephew runs in the room straight to me he was looking around he got on the bed and started listening to my belly "baby" he says "yes baby." i smile "So what did the docters say?" asks franky "im at 51/2 its taking forever it seems like i dont want to go home again" I Had already been to the hospital with an almost delievery 3 times they kept sending me home. My boyfriend and dad still hadnt been back yet "ugh i want to smoke a cigarette and where the fuck is my man" i sigh"where were they going?" "to get me food and my stuff and my mom something to get better with""wow she is still thinking about that even though she is with her daughter in the hospital about to have a baby? im sorry but that is fucked up i cant believe thats what she is thinking about i dont know what i would do""i know its bullshit that is why i want to get out of that fucking house"
"ill go see if we cant smoke" franky says
Not even 4 minutes later a nurse is in my room talking about me ordering lunch but i can go out if i really want to.
"yes please! ill order when i come back in" I say
"Okay but hurry we dont want that baby coming when you are outside"
I jump in a wheelchair and francine and my mom roll me out
mmmmm finally a cigarette "i have been so stressed" i explain
"its not good for the baby at all you just need to worry about you and him" says my mom
we finish the cigarette and go back in i am hungry as hell.

my mom asks if there is anything they can give me besides the epidural for pain since i was in so much pain they gave me 0.05 of phentinol me and my sister order i gave her the plate that my boyfriend would have been getting but he was still gone. It was about 11 am after the food arrived my sister and I just were talking away. the nurse come in and does another check My boyfriend and dad walk in the room. "where the fuck have you guys been it took you forever!" "im sorry i went to get your stuff and it took longer then expected" "your fucking stupi.." the doctor walks in the door to explain that since i am going to be having a premature baby that i am going to have to have the baby in the OR and that only two people would be allowed. "really only two" i ask "yes because we dont want any one getting in the way" she says
"i have to think for a second"
she leaves the room i finish yelling at my boyfriend i go to the bathroom to go pee

"why does it feel like i still have to pee after i am already done?"i ask getting back into bed
no answer.
I turn the tv on.
i look at the clock oh my god it was almost 12:15
i have to go to the bathroom again i say
" number one or number two" franky asks
"number 2" crying with pain
"Nurse nurse " frankys says running out of the room
"she said she has to go number 2 i think she needs to get checked again"
they do the check im at 8cm

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

The depression didnt go away i got really jealous and was always crying.. a couple weeks later i was sitting watching my boyfriend play call of duty i could feel my hips seperating more and more each day, the feeling is spectacular. (JK) At 28 weeks i began to go into premature labor my little guy was trying to come out to early so i had to go get a steroid injection to help his lungs develop quicker in case he did come early, DAMN was that a big ass needle and ouch it fucking hurt i couldnt walk right for like 3 days after that. i now felt miserable anxious scared nervous so many mixed emotions, I still hadnt decided if i was going to keep my son or put him up for adoption. i wanted him to have a better life then i have had.....a few weeks later i was going to hop in the shower because the pain was getting tremendously worse, i squatted down so that i could pick something up and oh my god "I THINK MY WATER JUST BROKE" I shreiked. i went into my room to tell my boyfriend he ignored me he like always had something better to do, i went and told jessica. another person who was there alot for me and still is here for me. she finally snapped some since into the mother fucker my mom was gone in the only vehicle doing what she does best trying to buy pills....another deal gone bad i can already tell by how long she is taking, jessica tells her she needs to get back like now to take me to the hospital i forgot to mention the kinda of abnormal part where i actually tasted the liquid that came out of me to make sure that i was positive it wasnt urine.. i almost was positive that the baby would be coming anytime...my mom wasnt there for another hour and a half.

I arrived at the hospital a little after two in the morning i tell them well i had my mom tell them that i was almost positive that my water broke they did a little check to see how much i was dialated 4 1/2 still a long way to go says the nurse and walks away.. i sit there for what seems like hours i look and it had only been two hours, the nurse came into do another check i tell the pain is about an 8 she asks me if i am going to want the epidural i tell no i am going to be doing it natural. i was now dialated to a 6.

two more hours went by i had already fallen asleep and woke up what seems like a hundred times. again the nurse was back in to check it was now 6 am. i was only about a 61/2 i asked my boyfriend to go get me something to eat, him and my dad disapeared for hours my mom finally woke up around 8 they tell me no change when they did that check i tell my mom that i need to call my sister in law...

"Hey franky i want to tell you something thats a really big secret that i havent told anyone..........Im pregnant" i say feeling excited. Franky was my brothers wife they had also not to long before this had there own...Bradyn, (oh how i love him probably one of the things that made me excited about having something of my own to call mine). No way your kidding me right are you really? does @&$# know??""yes""You should get clean because you cant be doing that stuff when your pregnant." she said.i asked so many more questions and so did she to i. when me and her had first met we hated eachother i called her names and said that she wasnt anything good my brother objected. i slowly but surely started to get along with her my brother hated it because all of his girlfriends always become my bestfriend..she is who i spent a majority of my time with during pregnancy Netflix was our bestfriend.

Without strugle i got clean and was begining to take better care of myself i guess i still didnt realize i was really prego. though, not thinking i did mess up a couple times but no one is perfect.. i feel like a piece of shit still to do this day and do not and will not suggest using any kind of drugs while being pregnant or not.

"Its the day!".Franky said.
"yay its a boy" i said
"I dont think so i think its a girl"said my mother
"nope its a boy but lets just go see for ourself"

Sure enough just as i suspected,, a little boy i rubbed it into my mothers face that she was wrong i felt so much guilt not for my disrespectful behevior but my son...

I started to have post partum depression.everybody around me was using except my sister in law and it didnt feel as if i was wanted or even really needed

It was about noon that day when i woke up, i felt groggy and sick i thought that it was probably just because i was dope sick again and needed to get high but i didnt want to one of my moms friends gave me a vicodin and instanlty i felt better what a relief, oh but the nausea came back hard, i ran to the bathroom and began to violently up chuck all of last nights meal, I didnt know but boy was i in for a suprise, my boyfriend at the time suggested that i take a pregnancy test...appaulled i ask if i was getting fat.. "no you are showing symptoms." He said. " okay but i already know that im not pregnant" i repliedlater on that day we went to the dollar store he went inside because i wasnt feeling well... i looked out the window and saw a pregnant woman with babies and other mothers with there children and/or child, i could feel my stomache turn OH NO! i am pregnant,right thats why all of these signs all of a sudden fuck...it must be. my boyfriend got back in the car smiled and kissed me. the ride home was uncomfortable, what would i tell my parents what if its just another scare. shut up i feel like i am going crazy. i thought. I immidatley run to the bathroom excited anxcious nervous so many feelings"You look i cant look." I whisper"Both at the same time...Okay?...1....2.....3..Now!" My boyfriend said. "oh my god your fucking kidding me right?""nope....we got ourselves something to think about" "No no its not accurate im not really pregnant"I was smoking meth pills and Marijuana up until the time i found out that i was pregnant. Unaware that there was a embryo inside of me, i had no i dea i wasnt just harming myself anymore i was harming what would be My baby.