Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Dismal

It's like I'm back to where I started.
It's leaving me quite irritable to be completely honest. It's like nothing has changed much - as if I haven't grown so much over the past few years, that it's making me feel more lost than ever. Not only that of course, but it's leaving me with this great feeling of dread and hopelessness. And it's incredibly exhausting that somehow, my mind rejects such concern that I simply sweep it off under the rug.
But obviously, I can't keep doing that.
As much as I'd tell myself - or more appropriately put, "motivate myself" - to go further and not let myself be hindered or limited by the never ending possibilities of opportunities, I couldn't help but feel just that at the end of the day. It's incredibly amusing and utterly vexing at how I've always thought I've got so much potential, or again, how my mentors have viewed me of having that great attribute, and yet I somehow no longer believe in it. I no longer hold on to my determination to go further into the distance and do what I'm absolutely passionate about. It has dwindled. The light or the fire within me has gone out. I'm slowly letting myself be succumbed into the darkness or this abyss of emptiness - like a zombie walking about, feeling nothing.
It's dreadful.
It's terrifying.
It's horrible.
Perhaps I should finally agree with what they've all said. How my passions are impractical, how they are almost impossible, how they are a waste of time, how irrelevant they are. I should probably let myself slip into their perception, and live my life just like everyone else - toiling endlessly for the sake of money, wasting hours, filled with nothing but this void deep within them. Just let myself be engulfed by the nay-sayings that I've encountered oh so many times before, and be apathetic of what I've tried so hard to fight for and continue to fight for.
Apparently, that would be the easier choice.
How amusing is it that I sound so different now than before?
Yet again, I couldn't help but question. Is it so wrong to wait or fight for something more meaningful and more profound? Is it so wrong to choose to do something for the rest of one's life that could inspire them, motivate them, and feel more fulfilled? A lot of people settle for what they ended up choosing or what someone else chose for them, and is it so wrong to refuse that? Is it so wrong to want something more for oneself? For one to reach great heights that they know they could actually do but no one ever bothered to believe in them?
Is it wrong to have dreams?
The position I am currently in has definitely made me realize that I am living in what I've feared. Why all this time, I refused to do things for the sake of it. And as much as I'd like a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card, I am left utterly clueless as to what card I would play next. Where I would go once I roll the dice - or if I do roll the dice at all. And the other thing is, considering how I like to be independent, I just want to figure this out on my own.
Get my shit together.
And find my way...