Sunday, 14 February 2016

One of the things I struggle with most is defining who I am, so when I was asked to write this post, I froze a little. How does one actually explain what makes them, them, when they don’t know the answer. And honestly, I don’t know what makes me, me. It’s one of the reasons that I wanted to join this team, so that I can start to explore exactly who I am. This is what they call an identity crisis. And it is something that I have really been struggling with lately as I have been staring down the barrel of the gun that is “my future”. I’m twenty-five, working in a job that I both love and hate, and trying to only apply to jobs that I would love to do and would be good at. But as it stands, I don’t think I even know what that is. At this point in my life, I feel like I’m only adequate at everything I do and excel at nothing. And trying to apply for jobs when that’s your mental state is not exactly the easiest thing to do.

But that is all just the icing on the cake. Is my future, my skills and my abilities all that define me? Definitely not. In fact, the hardest part about understanding what makes me, me, is in defining what that actually means. But when I go to answer the question, I almost always jump to those things. I’m a blogger, a writer, a graphic designer, a library assistant, a reader. These are parts of me, but they don’t exactly wholly define me. And just upon looking at those things, it shows that I’m a little all over the place - or is that just how I see it? And thus today, for this blog post at least, I want to move a little further past these things, and dive a bit deeper into who I am.

So to start, I want to give a little bit more about my personality. From the above, I’m sure you can probably already tell that I struggle a little with confidence - something which I will be touching upon further on this blog - but that’s just a small part of me. I’m also an introvert - and proud. I’ve had a lot of trouble over the years with this as it seems that very few people understand what it actually means. A lot of people see the definition as a way of saying that you’re anti-social and prefer to spend life cooped up and alone. And while I do enjoy my own company and could quite happily do a lot of things on my own, I do also very much enjoy socialising. I love spending time with my friends, laughing and just having meaningful and wonderful conversations. Being an introvert doesn’t mean I hate people (well, I mean, not completely), it just means that I cannot be around people all the time. It means that my energy gets sapped completely if I’m in a room full of people for too long. It means that a long day is made longer if I get no alone time and it means I can become quiet and distant if it all gets too much for me. This is also something I want to explore further, but best to move on before this post gets too long.

Another part of my personality is that I have hyper-moments. Usually this occurs when I’m over-tired or had a little too much sugar. But it usually ends up with me being really silly, joking around, making funny noises or dancing or jumping about. It means that for a short while at least, my brain gets shut off and I end up saying things like “I have no idea why I said that”. It’s a part of me that I both love and hate because it feels freeing but I often end up feeling embarrassed and anxious after it all happens. But if it happens around you, it may also mean that I feel comfortable enough in your company that you won’t judge me. I’m also a bit of a hypocrit in this state. Because for all my hyper-moments, I’m wanting the world to look at me, to see me and then, as soon as it does, I wish it didn’t.

And that is something I well and truly struggle with about my personality. I crave to be invisible and seen all at the same time. Invisible because then I only have myself to worry about. Seen because I don’t want to feel truly alone. The power of the double-edged sword.

Along with all the above, I also like being funny. Causing others to laugh is something I love to do. Especially if that laughter comes at a time when they’re feeling down. Caring comes strongly into this and I do care deeply for other people. I worry for the world sometimes and wish that I could fix every problem that my friends go through. But I also struggle to let people in. Yes, I would do anything to help a stranger feel better but it takes a lot for that stranger to finally knock down the wall surrounding my heart. Though, I am not very good at telling people they’ve made it past the foundations. But it also means that if, once on the inside, my trust is broken, I find it very difficult, if not near impossible, to let those people break the wall again. Sometimes they can climb over the top to see in but won’t be able to actually clamber over.

But all of the above on my personality, still hasn’t really touched upon what really makes me, me, does it? Sure you know some things about me, probably even some things that you didn’t know before, but does it really paint a good picture on who I am? Does it tell you that I can get crippling depression? Does it tell you that sometimes I have to deal with my serious anxiety issues? Does it explain that I worry about my health so much that I’m probably causing it to decline before my very eyes? Answering the question of who I am, and what makes me that way is difficult. But the reason it’s so difficult is simply because I am a human being. I am complex and unique. So in my struggle to answer this question, I can at least attest to feeling less alone because I know that I am more than likely not the only one who has or is struggling with it too.

So to end this post, I want to say that what makes me, me, is every single aspect of my life. My experiences, my skills, my hobbies, my jobs, my friends, my idiosyncrasies. I am who I am because of everything.