Column: ACRN’s 2019 Golden Globes Recap

Ceara is behind by an hour because her ass is in Kansas. Her TV is on a five-second delay, so I had to pretend I knew nothing. Don’t you love remote journalism?

We had to start out with the red carpet. Nothing was too horrible, but we had some questions. What the hell is Timothee Chalamet wearing? Designer Louis Vuitton calls it an embroidered bib. Ceara calls it a sparkle harness or a designer baby leash. Ceara also thinks that Lady Gaga’s outfit looked like she had a fitted bedsheet wrapped around her arms.

Sandra Oh and Andy Samberg start the show by saying they are doing a roast and just proceed to say nice things about people. One of our favorites? “Hey Jeff, I wish you were my dad” – Andy Samberg at Jeff Bridges.

Andy Samberg also takes a moment to roast the shit out of America and the CIA and their treatment of THE REAL BLACK PANTHERS who were murdered for seeking racial equality.

“Crazy Rich Asians is the first Asian lead movie since Ghost in the Shell and Aloha” MURDER THEM SANDRA. She then promptly kills every male director ever.

Alright, on to the awards! Unfortunately, we don’t get a lot more from the hosts, which is sad because they were great.

BEST ACTOR IN A TV SERIES MUSICAL OR COMEDY: Michael Douglas for The Kominksy Method

The Black Panther cast always look immaculate even when they look dead inside after having to say “Wakanda Forever!” for the five thousandth time.

While this win is predictable, Dolly Parton still wins in our hearts because she wrote and performed Jolene and allowed that slap of a remix in Dumplin’

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE: Regina King If Beale Street Could Talk

That’s RIGHT Regina King! Make them stop that music and hire women in Hollywood! (Seriously, we want a job after school.)

BEST ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION DRAMA: Sandra Oh Killing Eve

She is the first Asian woman to win multiple golden globes and the first Asian woman to host them. She thanks her parents in Korean and it’s freaking precious.

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MOVIE: Mahershala Ali Green Book

While presenting, Maya Rudolph pops the question. Amy Poehler says yes. This is the only thing I care about anymore.

SCREENPLAY- MOTION PICTURE:Green Book

Ceara’s mom is very happy the movie Viggo Mortensen is in is doing so well, but honestly, The Favourite was iconic and deserved this let’s be real. The queen literally has a line where she says “I like when she puts her tongue inside me.” I can only dream of writing things like this.