First off, thanks for all the offers to deliver some chocolate. In case you didn’t notice, I had a bit of a melt down a few days ago.What a week! First week back to school is always hard but this one was a doozy! And I had to rush to finish that article for W.ashington Parent. I had to get over the ridiculousness of it all and just ‘nut up’ and write it. So it’s done…should be in the November issue for all of you that want a good laugh at the infertile writing for a parenting magazine!! I guess it’s better than writing for a pregnancy mag. Ahhh…if the readers only knew!We’re leaving tomorrow for a weekend away. I am so excited!! While Mr H plays golf on Sunday, I’m hitting the spa and getting an Lavender Oil Wrap and a Hot Stone Massage. Then off to sit by the lake and just chill while he finishes playing. I can not wait!Have a great long weekend everyone!

Even after all my years as a teacher and even now still working in schools, the first day of school is always exciting for me. All my life I’ve looked at the beginning of the school year as a fresh start; new classes, new friends, new clothes, new chances. This is my New Year, when I make the most resolutions and reflect back. When I was younger I’d resolve to procrastinate less, be nicer, go to cross country practice more…you get the picture. Once I got older I used this as a time to think about the past school year and decide what I should do differently. Of course I did decide to go back to the gym and so far this week I’m 2 for 2!. It’s sort of my own mini State of the Union (without people clapping for me every few minutes…I think I need more of that in my life)

The start of the 06 school year was hard. We’d been kind of trying for a year but I did my whole looking back thing and decided to become more proactive and changed some things up. I became borderline neurotic with everything TTC. We (and by that I mean me) charted, used the CBEFM, and basically did whatever I could to try to drive my husband away.

Now this school year. We’ve gotten our official diagnosis (whatever the hell ‘unexplained’ means), have a plan to start treatment, and I’ve started to accept what my RE keeps driving into my head…that we have less than a 1% chance of ever getting pregnant on our own, but this is the first September in my life where I’ve felt completely unsuccessful, completely unproductive, and pretty darn incompetent (and that is a trait I hate). It’s the first time I have nothing to show for my work, where I set goals for myself and didn’t meet a single on of them.

Now none of this is new to me of course, but I’m so much more aware of it all this time of year. I know I’ll break out of this funk in a few days. Hopefully our weekend away will help, although AF is going to crash…again, it’s going to be a reallygood thing there’s a wine festival there!

Here’s my second go with the Song of the Week. Given the recent round of BFN’s I thought this one was appropriate. It’s short, but the message is sweet. If anyone would like me to email them the mp3, just let me know. This is one of my favorite singer/songwriters, E.llis Paul. I think he is just amazing and I tend to stalk him whenever he’s in the area.If You Break Downfrom the album Ellis Paul Essentials

If there comes a daywhere you wish the clocks could roll backwards in the cover of night you’re begging the stars to stay asking satellites to stop and help you to remember how to picture the world before everything had changed If you break down I’m at your shoulder Take me at my word You can break down I will tell you over and over A reliable sound is coming around If you break down A reliable sound, I’m coming round If you break down If fear comes without invitation and lays its head in the green within your eyes if it’s paralyzing I will wake you We will walk a thousand paces walk away, walk away till you are walking on your own If you break down I’m at your shoulder Take me at my word You can break down I will tell you over and over A reliable sound is coming around If you break down A reliable sound, I’m coming round If you break down

____________________________________________________This song will often make me cry. Before I got married, this was the partner I was looking for, someone who would walk for me when I couldn’t. Luckily, I found him. Then all this IF crap started. And again, I’m looking for someone to pick me up when the fear is paralyzing. I wrote this out and sent it to a friend who had a miscarriage. She said so many of the lyrics spoke to her…picturing the world before everything changed, the paralyzing fear in her eyes all the time, and the comfort in knowing that someone will be there to catch you when you break down.

Calling all techies!! (and honestly just about everyone has more tech knowledge than me)I know there has got to be an easier way to manage this blog and keep up with all of you wonderful ladies that I now check on a few times a day. I think I heard something once about Google reader? Please, tell me ideas on how to keep up with your blog?Also, how do I get my little O.prah to be a cool link and not be all pixel-y? I just cut and pasted the pic from someone else’s blog but it isn’t a clickable link and just doesn’t look good.

And then how do I get all those other fun things like counters or seeing what g.oogle brings to you or anything else fun that I might not even know about yet?thanks ladies!!

…much better. Hundred bucks poorer but much, much happier. I got 4 great pieces of jewelry, one necklace that I am absolutely in love with. I can’t wait for them to come in.Maybe I’ll host a party for the DC ladies one of these days.

We decided to beat the heat and thunderstorms last night and go out on a real date to the movies. I can’t remember the last time we actually had a ‘date night’. I picked the newest B.ourne movie. Figured it would be something I wouldn’t have to think about and would be some good escapism. Turns out every other woman to walk into the theater was obviously pregnant. It’s like I was surrounded!! And I know it wasn’t just me because Mr H even mentioned it…and he is largely oblivious to things like that. I was even lucky enough to have someone who had to be 40+ weeks sit next to me. She was rubbing her stomach and wincing at pretty regular intervals and it would have just been fantastic if I could have birthed that baby right there in the theater for her!Hope you all don’t drown in the sarcasm that is dripping off each word. I having a down day yesterday and my movie trip did not help. At least the movie was good, a few completely impossible to believe scenes but entertaining. Off to a jewelry party this afternoon (think tupperware party but with fun jewelry!). Nothing like shopping to fix a funk!

Here’s the real TGIF! Whew, what a week! I’m so ready to just chill this weekend and do…nothing!! Plus, Mr H has been out of town since Sunday and just came home today. I’m glad, we always get in stupid little fights when one of us is traveling for work.

Hope everyone has a good weekend and good luck to the ladies with retrievals or transfers tomorrow!

Thank goodness….1. for smart people. This is not meant to offend anyone who may not be smart, but I had such a great group of people in training that I was able to finish a day and a half early!! I think we’ve brought in the best group of new staff in years. I am so glad to be finished with that. I was actually able to finish moving into my new office today and actually feel like I can finally be productive again….although I haven’t started working on that article yet.2. for weekends away. We just decided to go away for Labor Day weekend. We found a place where Mr. H (who, btw, is going to come up with a good blog name for himself, I’m sure you’re all on the edge of your seat) can play golf and I can go to the spa. We really need this. We’ve been so focused on saving money for all of our treatments. Quite honestly, I’m usually obsessive about each cycle and I’ve finally chilled out and accepted that it’s not going to happen on its own. The place we’re staying (w.intergreen resort for you locals) has 1 bedroom condos so we’ll have a kitchen and living area. There also happens to be a wine festival there that weekend, so they’ll be one little perk to not being pregnant!

I started to talk about this a little bit yesterday but here’s the scoop. One of my favorite artist posts a SOTW on his message board weekly (duh). We all then talk about the song, how we interpret the lyrics, what it means to us, etc. I love it. I love reading about what the songwriter was thinking as the song was written and I love reading about other people’s thoughts about the song. It is amazing how two people can take the same exact lyrics and music yet walk away with two different interpretations of what happened. I guess you could think of it as a book club of sorts for music lovers.

For the last few months I’ve been flagging different songs in my I.tunes that either make me feel better, help me to wallow, or help me to put into words all of the thoughts swirling around in my head. I’ve got quite a little collection going now and figured I would put it to good use.

My thought is that I’ll post song lyrics once a week. Whenever I can find a link to the song, I’ll post that too. I’ll give you all my 2 cents on the song (if its even worth that much) and then would love to hear what you think. I may be the most tone deaf person I’ve ever met with quite possibly the world’s worst voice but I absolutely love music, all types, and I find it so helpful and I love hearing about new music and sharing mine.

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Well that got long.

Song of the Week #1

“This is My Song!” by Carbon Leaf

Here is the link to their website. Here you can listen to a sample of the song on A.mazon. It’s only a 20 sec clip but it’ll give you an idea of the song style and tempo.

This is My Song!My name is Luck, this is my songI happened by while you were gone. Oh well…I apologize that I could not stayBut I hope good things swing your wayI know they will… here’s your horseshoeSo best of luck to youFrom the stable running braveFrom the cradle to the graveThis is my day, this is my song!I am alive… what can go wrong?If we’re on our way-oh, ok let me knowIf we’re on our way-oh, ok then, let’s goMy name is Hope, Luck just ran outHe said he’d return, without a doubt (ah, but don’t you believe him!)Oh, I happen to have a message from LoveShe told me she knows what you’ve been dreaming ofMy name is Hope, this is my song. When things go wrongFrom the stable running braveFrom the cradle to the graveThis is my day, this is my songI am alive, what can go wrong?If we’re on our way-oh, ok let me knowIf we’re on our way-oh, ok then, let’s goThrough the windswept countrysideAcross the great divideFrom the stable running braveFrom the cradle to the graveThis is my day, this is my songAs long as I’m alive what can go wrong?If we’re on our way-oh, ok let me knowIf we’re on our way-oh, ok then, let’s go___________________________________________________whew…Longest post ever…

Alright, my favorite thing about this song, and why I picked it as the first song, is that it’s fast, up beat, and I can’t help but be in a better mood after listening to it. “As long as I’m alive what can go wrong?” That always helps to put me into perspective. Also the emotions in the song seemed to correspond to many of my IF emotions. First there’s Luck, that pops in quickly in the beginning but can’t stick around, so no “oops” or first month trying bfp’s for me. Luck wasn’t with me for long enough. Then Hope comes in…and says don’t trust a word Luck has to say. Hope definitely is in it for the long haul. And then the best part for me, she’s spoken to Love and knows exactly what I want and what I’m dreaming of. And then it all comes back to being alive and moving on our way

Alright, that was a lot of build up for a really short opinion on the song, but after all that I’m even more tired than I was before. If anyone wants a full version I’m more than happy to email it to you.