Above - Classic tobacco company marketing, associating their product with attractive girls and fun times. You have a photograph taken with the models on your phone or camera and then you send it on to all your friends, subliminally spreading their message and building brand awareness. They don’t even pay you to do it. Ever felt like a mug?

Another busy day in Mugello at the Italian Moto GP but I find myself lying so I can go off and have a cigarette. I inform my colleagues I’m ‘just off to the toilet’. This is making me feel guilty. It’s classic addict action. Now I’m not saying I’m an addict within four days but I’m taking on certain traits classic to an alcoholic or drug addict. I’m lying to myself and others to allow me the time to get my little fix conscience free. The only trouble is I don’t like lying.

So I walk up the hill in the direction of the toilets and spark up on the way. Then when I reach the place where all the big guys hang out and I’m facing the urinal I’m suddenly at a loss as what to do with my cigarette. I can’t ask anyone to hold it for me. I’m in Italy and my translation could be misunderstood as something completely different besides, we men never talk in public toilets, it’s an unspoken rule! There is no ledge to leave it on either.

So the cigarette hangs out of the corner of mouth but within seconds I’ve got a plume of smoke in my eye. It stings and burns and starts to water. I yank the thing from my lips and hold it in my right hand along with my penis. Now I can’t piss. I’m shit scared I’m going to burn and disfigure my old chap. Some-one said a few days ago that I smoke like a girl. Well next time I have a cigarette and a piss that is exactly what I’ll do. I’ll sit down and piss and smoke. I hope the bastard who goes in before me remembers to put the seat down.