It Doesn't Pay to Judge Laguna Beach's Biggest Dick Contest

It's getting that you can't keep track of the newspapers ciruclating on the streets and computers of Laguna Beach without a scorecard. Count among them Stu News Laguna, which has Stu Saffer reporting on the village's happenings online every Friday.

He's already produced one of Clockwork's favorite stories of the week: "In This Case, Size Mattered."

Saffer reports that Laguna Beach Police were sent to Main Beach in the wee hours recently where they found a man down with major facial injuries, including cuts and bruises near both eyes.

Witnesses pointed officers to a group of men being responsible.

Further investigation revealed the victim and the other men had been drinking in Huntington Beach until the beach closed. So they made their way to Laguna to continue imbibing. As boys will do, talk soon talked to which fellow has the biggest dick.

A heated argument broke out--as did one of the guy's throbbing manroots. He apparently knew he had to be clutching the largest member, and he asked the victim to confirm it was the wiener, er, winner.

Instead, the victim cracked wise, causing him to get clobbered and suffer major facial injuries, including cuts and bruises near both eyes.

Too bad the battered judge did not know to do what women acorss the world know to do: just lie.