VEXATIOUS VIRGO...

The Sublime Irritations of April 2005

My sainted aunt, little virginal horrors! We left you last time with a gaggle of anxious attendees for your course on 'werewolf dreaming' but aghast and beside yourself for you were on the verge of the now familiar transformation, triggered by the chill necrotic light of Lady Moon as she blazed to the full. It was the transformation where you become a werewolf!

Eek! So what did you do? Well, I'll tell you. You chose to make a clean breast of it all, in that irritatingly forthright manner that you have. In fact, my little surface-wiping cretins, you made it all part of the course. You, Pinkie, Perky and your lupine consort were caged at the Full Moon, so as not to bring harm to your fellow creatures. And then did those enrolled for 'werewolf dreaming' witness a spectacle hitherto confined to films of the horror genre. Thus, you laid your supernatural cards upon the table, growling, raging and ranting for the marks in a hirsute and salival fashion. And what was the result?

Well, let us consult the vile and bitter prognostications for awful April and discover, my wittering virgin ninnies! Ghastly planets fart in the confines of your solar eighth house and your audience is mesmerized by this performance. In fact, not only are they moved by the glamour and magic of it all, but also do they throw money (and lascivious glances) in your direction in order to encourage you to teach them how to become werewolves.

Gadzooks! What a startling development! What will you do? Beneath the ghastly influence of a Full Moon and Solar Eclipse in arrogant Aries, you explain the grievous matters of fur-growing, growling, pursuit through forest deeps, throat-tearing and the subsequent healing. However, while a few of the less courageous wretches fall away, all this seems only to make the mass of them keener. As mischievous Mercury moves out of perverse reversal, an apocalyptic realization comes.

Great gods alive and dead, it does, my mooning little loonies! You have ignored the obvious all along! If all the world is transformed to werewolves, the curse of machinery will be lifted forever from the earth for werewolves (despite contentious hygiene issues) have no need of such devices. Thus, at one fell swoop, the Luddite mission you began so long ago (god bless Pinkie and little Perky too) will be accomplished. Of course, this will come about by praeternatural means, but strange are the ways of a benighted universe ruled by insane gods!

Marauding Mars the warrior god joins with nasty Neptune and you begin feverish preparations for the next wave of light visited upon a mad mad world by loony Lady Moon. Ghastly planets cavort in cloddish Taurus and you deliver exciting lectures on the exotic ways of the cosmos to eager students, whilst experimenting with a 'wild food' diet that may to a degree prepare them for the lupine appetites awaiting them in the chill necrotic light of 'full moon' night.

And so it comes! Eek! It's a Full Moon in morbid Scorpio, bringing a Lunar Eclipse to your solar third house and the raw, elemental powers of nature are released. Great elephants and dancing monkeys, little virgin things! Never has such a spectacle of bloodthirsty sexual abandonment been witnessed on this earth, as wicked planets rut in the cosmic gutters of arrogant Aries and lecherous Libra! Not since the decadent days of Babylon and Rome have such excesses been committed! You even have to turn your paws (frenzied as they are) to extra loads of laundry to keep up with the demand for wiping cloths and linen bandages. And yet both money and vital fluids change hands (this is purely a figure of speech) with a deep, almost disturbingly satisfying intensity. The stones at the entrance to the cave of Lupercal roll away to admit you, my annoying addlepates!