Understanding through the written context

Menu

Tag Archives: God

Well, it has been a while! I have been busy and VERY tired. You see, around January, my husband and I made an incredible discovery…we are going to be parents! We were both very surprised and not expecting that AT ALL. God is good and has quite the sense of humor. Last year I was all over the place. I was in several different situations that had a HUGE impact on me and the people around me. It’s been quite a journey (and still is), but I feel like I could not start to heal, or recover, had none of those moments happened. I didn’t have much clarity, but with God, intensive therapy, strategies and tools, continual counseling and support from others, (and medication) I have been able to stabilize my emotional state rather well. However, I have had some moments of weakness (because gosh – I’m NOT perfect). I do feel and know that I am thinking clearly and interpreting others intentions much better, and on a regular basis. In addition to that, my reactiveness towards people and situations is more rational and thought-out. I also have the validation from both my counselor and psychiatrist – which helps me move forward in positive way!

Now, with all that being said, God’s timing IS perfect. Since we found out we are expecting, I have been NOTHING but calm and at peace. I have been trusting in God’s plan for this child from day one, and I have continued to have that mind set. Since the first moment we found out I was pregnant, I immediately prayed, ‘God I know this child is not specifically for us, but yet for you and your kingdom; to glorify your name. I am thankful that you have given us this opportunity to nurture this child, raise this child, and teach this child all about you. I know we do not deserve this chance, this life, or anything we have been given, but because you are so merciful, forgiving, loving and faithful, you graciously bless us with these moments and opportunities. So, thank you God. Thank you for creating, protecting and giving this child strength.” Not to mention, that this has pretty much been my prayer each night. Each night I thank God for another day with this child and I pray for continued support and guidance (and support for my hubby) as I go along my pregnancy.

Like I said, I have not been on here much because I have been VERY TIRED. Most days I come home and sleep for a few hours, eat something and usually go to bed. I just didn’t have the energy or cognitive capacity to divulge in any type of blog writing. Now that I am on Spring Break, I have started to catch up on some sleep and I found myself energized enough to write! So, yay!

I just want to write on one more thought, and then I have to go – unfortunately. But this thought prompted me to want to come on here. I have been taking a course, online, to become certified in a specific model used at my school. While watching one of the webcasts assigned, I started thinking about my work in comparison to other fields. What I appreciate most about my job and school is our connective, multidisciplinary and interdisciplinary approach and collaboration. We work together – and we do it well. I think about how for so long I wanted to be a teacher and I had that expectation that, that was going to happen. When it didn’t, I struggled with my identity because I didn’t know who I was suppose to be anymore. Very parallel to my latest experience in life! However, by the grace of God and His purposeful plan, He has lead me where I have needed to be. And sometimes, I find myself doubting my knowledge of my field, but He always reminds me of the wealth of intelligence He has developed in me and that He is not done. I love what I do because it’s not about me. Our school is very focused on our students and that they come first – always. I appreciate that because I remember praying for soooo long to be at a school that had integrity, was just, had a clear mission, focused on the CHILDREN, not money, was stable and sound in foundational and challenging circumstances and very importantly supported it’s staff and their efforts. I didn’t know a place like this existed, until I started where I am now. I am thankful and sometimes I wish I could speak a little more effectively and communicate to others what our school does. It’s always SO confusing to other people and then, sometimes, I think they think I don’t know what I am talking about or what I am doing. When, in actuality I most certainly do! I just lose my words under pressure!

Anyway, this post was rather random. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t write for a while! I am mostly sending a message of ‘thankfulness’ because I am grateful for all that God does and how He is always faithful – even when I am not.

Unit next time…adios.

-S-

P.S. forgive me if there are grammatical errors or typos! Been a while!

I love music. I mean, who doesn’t. I typically have it on all the time. I even bought a portable Bose speaker because I wanted quality and portability.

Anyway, aside from that, this song is beautiful. I have listened to this song many times before, and I love signing it. Recently, though, I feel more connected to this song. As I hear the words in this song, and listen to the melody, I am reminded of how I feel. I know these words well…

In this past week, I have realized something important. Something I already kind of mentioned. I am not in control – God is. He is the one that knows every part of my mind, heart, and soul. He knows what’s ahead, and there is nothing I can do about the future. I can, however, follow where I hear God leading me. When I let the Holy Spirit really guide my heart, I have a genuine calm that covers me. I feel at peace, and I have an undeniable trust in the Lord. No doubts. No fear. No matter what.

That’s how I feel right now.

In this song, I love all the lyrics, but I particularly love when he sings this:

“I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment I’ll share with you…heaven brought you to this moment, it’s to wonderful to speak…you’re worth all of me…”

In this moment, I feel this. I know God has it all under control and I am truly at peace with what is to come.

I am just one person out of billions on earth. Surrounded by powerful forces all around and in society, I often feel totally powerless and insignificant. My temptation is to simply fall into a comfortable routine and try my best to be happy. But I know that’s not right. I also know that God is all powerful, much greater than any group or institution in the world. He has given me talents, gifts, and abilities to invest wisely for His glory. I want to use them to truly make a difference, even if that means one person at a time-nothing grand-just God and me working together to change lives. However, I have been told recently that I have developed some bad habits, harmful to me, my relationship with God, and the people around me. My first response was denial. Then I made excuses (and am still making excuses), rationalizing my behavior as normal and expected, especially for someone in my situation. But I know I am just trying to convince myself, which is easy because I am a qualified manipulator and as gullible as they come…

Seeing another person’s problems is easy-it’s obvious. However, it is also easy to be blind to our own issues and shortcomings. I know that the only way to start working through that is to simply realizing where you are, and I do; at least I think I do. I feel as though I am realizing more and more, each day, where I am, and where I would like to be. I have come a long way in the last year (and even the past 3 months), but I’m still seeking my temptation, more than I am seeking truth. I absolutely know where I need to be, and how that looks, but I don’t long for it as passionately as I have in the past. Previously, as I have entered into a new season of my life, I would have this undeniable drive and motivation, but for some reason, I still feel jaded. Quite frankly, I really haven’t flipped the passion switch on yet, but I am driven to some degree. I see certain elements as a perfectly clear options, and most of which encompasses truth, but for some reason, I keep thinking that it’s what other people want for me. That it’s really not who or where I want to be.

You see this little girl? This little girl was very imaginative. She had a lot of ideas about who she wanted to be and couldn’t wait to take on the world! She wanted to grow up, be a teacher, get married, have a wonderful family, adopt a golden retriever, and live happily ever after in her amazing home with a front porch and white picket fence. Wow, how Americanized! Well, this little girl soon learned that world is a shitty place and that good people have very dark sides…Over time, she felt misplaced and confused and bound by fear. She never knew what the night would bring, and it scared her to death. She was often caught in the middle of horrific, violent, physically and verbally abusive arguments between two people where supposed to love each other. In most situations, she was the target of their anger and frustration. She never had anyone to talk to about anything that was going on, so she just endured. She lived…She hoped…and she desperately desired to become the opposite of what she was given. She never realized, though, that tucking all that pain away, would only result in her becoming exactly what she despised…

Over the course of my life, I feel as though I have been stripped of traditional experiences or ‘unofficial milestones’ of life. And because of that, I have attempted to pursue those ridiculous en-devours, at the wrong time, only causing more disappointment. I know that the temptation I currently seek is wrong. Completely and utterly inappropriate and meaningless. I guess I think back to this little girl. How she wanted to be carefree, but was burdened by circumstance. She was never taught (or even able to process in a healthy manner) how to emotionally and psychologically handle those experiences. I think about how I jumped into marriage at the age of 21, completely oblivious to reality and blinded by my heart. I was filled with a distorted filter of what marriage is and overflowed with unrealistic expectations of myself and my husband. Over the course of our marriage, we did a pretty good job of hiding what happened behind closed doors and ignoring the real issues. Now, that we have exposed ourselves to most of our family, friends, and professional counselors, I feel overwhelmed. Maybe because things are getting real? I don’t know, but I feel this desire to experience life in a way that doesn’t fit in my marriage. Am I doing this because I feel trapped and unsuccessful, or because I want to be reminded of the absolutely wonderful man that I have? I don’t know, honestly. I look at us and I feel as though we are doing fantastic individually, but what about together…?

I definitely feel that a lot of this is only proof that I have become stationary in my faith, even though God has warned me about the enemy. Despite popular representations, he is real and dangerous, a devouring “lion” often disguised as something good (1 Peter 5:8). God calls Satan a liar and the Accuser, and he uses both tactics in bombarding me, lying about God and reminding me of my failures and sins. I have felt under heavy attack, with the devil’s accusations swirling about in my mind and obstacles being placed in my way…The crazy thing is I KNOW the devil is no match for God, but I am still struggling to stomp on the enemies ideas, and move closer to God. I mean, how foolish is that?!? I KNOW that I am supposed to love my enemies, resist temptation, give godly counsel, stand for truth, serve others selflessly, steward my resources wisely, and more-all only possible by God’s grace and through his strength (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12). BUT WHERE IS MY PASSION TO OBEY THAT? It’s like I want it, but I don’t.

Anyway, I will leave you with this; my only prayer at this point. Holy Spirit, please empower me.