Thursday, December 13, 2012

Over two decades ago, an Ohio man bludgeoned his wife to death with a banjo (two banjos to be specific — he broke the first one). According to the Cox News Service report, neighbors were shocked. Other than playing “Fox on the Run” over and over again while attempting to sing all three parts of the harmony by himself, the man seemed normal.

Still, this senseless tragedy set into motion a series of events in which quick and decisive government regulation solved the national epidemic of senseless Bluegrass violence.

According to a recently produced public television documentary, it was a sad time in America’s history when banjos were readily available to any person that happened to wander into a music store. It’s hard to remember such a time, but at one point in our history banjos were not registered. No identification was required to purchase one. No musical aptitude checks were performed on potential owners.

The Aspen Daily News reported "The banjo is considered "a deadly weapon" under Colorado law". On New Year’s Eve, Joseph Stancato of Denver allegedly struck another man in the head with his banjo after a minor altercation District Judge James Boyd has approved Stancato’s request to be allowed to tour with his band while awaiting his court date. If convicted of assault with a deadly banjo, Stancato could be imprisoned.

The Mandolin Case is a medical legal mystery solved by the local bluegrass community. It shows the truth but tells no facts. The author searched for indelible human truths that are unchanged over generations. He rejected temporary fads that will fade once out of style. The truth was found in the arts, and not science. It was found by ordinary people and not the rich and famous. It is a story for people weary of exploitation of the humble by the powerful, and a roadmap to thwart the efforts of the greedy. Enjoy.

“The ‘The Mandolin Case’ provides more twists and curls than the grain in a piece of birds-eye maple. Like a master fiddler weaving notes through the melody of a song, Bibey holds forth simplicity as the most complex asset when prejudice and greed place honor and integrity on trial.” –Dan Hays, International Bluegrass Music Association

A man in the Kansas City area was attacked with a knife and frying pan. He responded by swinging a banjo at his attacker’s head:

Police say the Monday banjo blow to the head stopped the assailant, who was treated for a cut and taken to jail.[...] The two 21-year-old friends were drinking and arguing about a band when Hilton grabbed the kitchen weapons and attacked, police said. The victim happened to have banjo in hand and used it in self defense, they said.

It appears that two friends were engaged in a heated argument this past Monday night about the relative merits of two bands. As these things are wont to do, outrage ensued, and one friend came after the other with a frying pan and a knife.

The quick-thinking, would-be victim responded with what was at hand – literally in hand – and smacked his attacker upside the head with his banjo. The protagonist was treated and released from a local hospital, and promptly arrested for assault.

Police report that a marijuana pipe was found at the scene, and that “the smell of alcohol was prevalent.” Who’da thunk it?

It’s a blow for sanity in a mixed-up world. But before you start getting ideas, just remember: banjos don’t stop fights… people stop fights.