SURE-P

Faced with a repeat of the Manitoba saga which forced the President to throw his chief spokesperson beneath a metaphorical SURE-P bus, the Presidency has come out to refute allegations that the President has yet to make up his mind whether Ms. Bolanle Onagoruwa, relieved of her job as boss of the nation’s privatisation bureau Tuesday, actually stands removed from office.

In a statement issued from the office of the Special Assistant to the President on Notorious Facts, Dr. President is quoted as saying:

‘There is no confusion about the status of Ms. Onagoruwa. It is a notorious fact that the President demonstrates his utmost faith in her current abilities and has ordered that she remain in her current position as the former DG of the BPE, until further notice.”

The President also urged BiCourtney Construction Limited to continue imaginary work on the revoked Lagos-Ibadan Expressway, pending the next Presidential chat when he will reveal exactly what he didn’t mean when he didn’t order the Minister of Works to order the media to order, in their screaming headlines, the revocation of the contract.

“This administration remains committed to ensuring that where multiple meanings may be extrapolated from a presidential decision, multiple meanings will be extrapolated. All law-abiding Nigerians should therefore endeavour, in going about their lawful duties, to demonstrate utmost vigilance and report all acts and reports of unwarranted clarity to law enforcement agents.”

He has also promised to reveal, in due time, the roster of aides whose pronouncements on his behalf will be publicly denied, and the presumed dates of denial.

In a handwritten addition, the statement concluded: “The President is not bound to stand by any pronouncement he has ordered anybody to make on his behalf. As President he reserves the right to refuse to not deny previous pronouncements in the face of public outcry. As Aristotle once denied saying: ‘Actions speak louder than words, but denials speak loudest of all.'”

As at press time we were unable to confirm the authenticity of the handwritten addition.