Saturday, September 17, 2011

How to Get ISA-ed

Malaysian Top Dude Najib said he will table a motion to destroy the Internal Security Act(ISA) with a hammer or some shit like that. So before that happens, I want to share my own experience with the act.

ISA was a major beef with human and civil rights people because it is similar to the Patriot Act, or Batman: The Dark Night without high-tech gadgets. It allows the authorities to detain people without charging them. Some people were detained for 16 years.

I believe they're lucky. Because if I was the police, and I think you're a dangerous person, I would kill you and make it seem as if monkeys did it.

Anyway, ISA is also a potentially viable career path. You see, if you get ISA-ed, then released say, three years later - enjoying free boarding and food all that time - you can travel the country giving speeches as a REFORMED ex-ISA prisoner. You can potentially charge around RM5,000 for each of those speeches. That's RM5,000 for 20 minutes, which is slightly below the fees for a B-list rock star.

So, between 2006-2007, when I left my first real job, I decided to try and get ISA-ed in order to become a rock star.

I started by making fun of the then-Prime Minister of the country, Abdullah Badawi (Pak Lah).

I wrote such things as implying Pak Lah was licking his son-in-law's anus, that the people around him wore tutus at night and jump on rooftops to fight crime, um, that his wife Jean Danker looked like this:

... as well as an assortment of other things.

I waited for the authorities to bust into my apartment and take me away to the ISA gravy train, but alas, no one came.

I stepped up my online attacks, but still, no ISA.

So I used my clandestine contacts in the military espionage industry (I asked an older journalist) to find out where I went wrong.

Apparently, according to the guy, I would only be ISA-ed for writing stuff if I threaten to reveal sensitive information.

I did not and do not have sensitive information about anyone, any company or any Government, so I was just another guy yelling online. Big fucking deal, and no ISA.

I could have strapped explosives to my ass and threaten to suicide-bomb the capital, but that is just too much work.

Now, with ISA being repealed, I no longer have a potential gravy train, those fucking hippies have one less reason to smoke weed and rape children, and real terrorists will be able to escape easier than before.

I believe this is a bullshit move by the Government, to remove such an easy way to make money. I hope the Opposition do what they do best and complain about everything everyday, including this move by Najib, so we all could have our beloved ISA back.

@amirhimself

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Amir Hafizi is the sexiest man on Earth. His chest is as thick as any redwood trunk; from which hangs two great boughs of heavily muscled arms and one minor but strong branch of solid wood somewhere down there.