HomeHumor Why Settle for Your Customer’s Wallet When You Could Get in Her PANTS? PADVERTISE!

Why Settle for Your Customer’s Wallet When You Could Get in Her PANTS? PADVERTISE!

Posted about 4 years ago|Comments Off on Why Settle for Your Customer’s Wallet When You Could Get in Her PANTS? PADVERTISE!

BY KRISTEN LAMB

Any of you who regularly follow my author blog know that I am totally out of my mind a bit eccentric. Recently, I was speaking at the Tucson Festival of Books and I had to dash to the Ladies’ Room. As I closed the door to the stall, I noticed all the advertising on the back of the bathroom door. This cluttered wall of ads made me think about all the authors spamming non-stop about their books on Facebook and Twitter.

We even went to the car and an author had placed book advertisement in the WINDSHIELD WIPERS…which of course made me want to stop everything and download this book for .99.

Or not.

Many writers have become worse than an Amway rep crossed with a Jehovah’s Witness. I mean, could book promotion get any more invasive?

Wait…

Maybe it could.

As a social media expert for authors, I’ve written countless posts and three books about the dangers of automation and how spamming people is counterproductive. I’ve talked until I am blue about how advertising our books has a terrible ROI (return on investment) and how most people don’t pay attention to it. Ah, but then it hit me. The main reason spam doesn’t work is because people ignore it and no longer “see” it, but what would they see?

Panty Prose—Not Advertising, Padvertising(TM)

We all know that roughly 85% of readers are women, and what do women need? Panty liners. YES, but what do they need more than springtime fresh girl parts? More FREE! books. Indie authors shouldn’t spam about their latest book release or free title on KDP select.

Why?

Because it’s rude? No! Because it is obnoxious? Not quite. Because it smacks of desperation? Not at all. The reason authors shouldn’t spam about their books is because spam is for amateurs.

The real writer of the Digital Age doesn’t settle on blasting out non-stop self-promotional tweets. That is SO 2011. The REAL writer of the Digital Age realizes a captive audience is a a buying audience.

Catch readers with their pants down with Panty Prose.

Panty Prose is perfect for the indie author. Most readers are female and even females need something to read in the bathroom. We at Panty Prose (a new imaginary division of WANA International) have teamed up with Always against their will to offer your readers the best deals right in their pants.

Panty Prose not only offers you Padvertising to a guaranteed clientele, but we have all kinds of layouts to suit your Padvertising needs. Technology is your friend with Panty Prose. Put your book where it counts…

At Panty Prose, we even make it affordable for you to place your face in your reader’s pants…

As you can see, Panty Prose is inserting your ads into a virgin market begging to be tapped.

Why are all the romance authors giggling?

Anyway, while others might see a protective strip that gets tossed in the bin, we see an unused space to Padvertise your latest novel AND save trees! Instead of throwing away that paper strip, we can print of lines from your book so fans can collect them ALL…

Make Your Readers Want MORE….

Make Your Readers Your Fan for ALWAYS….

My dedicated writer friend, Chad, was happy to step in and help me launch the Panty Prose Motivational Series (Hey, a REAL friend let’s you Photoshop his face on a panty liner and no I don’t have too much free time. Why do you ask?):

Panty Prose is dedicated to keeping women fresh while selling your books. Attending a writing conference? Well, there is a bathroom and everyone knows that even agents have to go potty sometime. Why not help them out? Keep them springtime fresh and give them your query. Elevator pitches are for losers, when you can use the Panty Pitch. The Panty Pitch comes in three fragrances, Sonnet’s Eve, New Office Supplies, and Cinnabon.

Panty Pitch:

Save agents time and keep them fresh!

Panty Prose for the Published Professional is a smart, savvy way to stand out from all the competition that still is relying on scheduled tweets and auto-DMs. Make an impression that will last for Always.

And this type of inappropriate and invasive brilliant marketing could make cutting coupons a thing of the past. Save on diapers, cosmetics, cereal, lightbulbs, sandwich bags, SlimFast or get a FREE OIL CHANGE! Save the planet, save some money and save time marketing.

Yeah, I am a wee bit tired. I’ve been three weeks with no day off and, when I’m tired, my humor gets warped, even for me. But you know I am on to something! I’m fully dedicated to giving you the evil genius you need for success. Aside from Panty Prose, I wonder what other “free spaces” could we exploit for advertising? You know, to catch those who missed our 23 tweeted links, 6 auto DMs and five form letters.

****

Kristen is the author of the new best-selling book, Rise of the Machines—Human Authors in a Digital World in addition to the #1 best-selling books We Are Not Alone—The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer. She’s a contributing humor blogger for SocialIn, a blog that reaches 2.5 million and blogs for The Huffington Post.You can also follow her author blog here.She is also the Social Media Columnist for Author Magazine. Feel free to follow her on Twitter at @KristenLambTX and on Facebook.

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