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Tag: Stress

Ever since I was little I had this thing where I held attachments and had great difficulty letting go. Whether that’s letting go of past memories or physical objects it’s always been a problem. I think Autism does play a part in this but ultimately I became accustomed with this personality trait. All of this was an issue because I attached myself onto these things and I felt these memories or physical objects defined who I was when I was still finding my feet growing up.

Yesterday I decided to sort out my entire room before Christmas and I actually managed to throw out a lot of things that I haven’t used or seen for 10 years. I even gave some books and clothes to the charity shops as they were wasted in my wardrobe. I felt emotional as getting rid of things was not easy but I managed to tame my emotional attachment side and was resolute in my goal and decision.

It’s also worth pointing out as it feels appropriate that I’m only ever sad whenever I recall my younger years and childhood. In turn I’m at my happiest when I’m in the present focusing on my artwork and stories. Why trap myself in the past where I’m living in the realm of what really matters; the present. With that in mind I decided to get rid of all the sources that link me back to my past. I partly did that throughout the years but I decided to get rid of everything whilst I was feeling motivated.

Yes it was emotional doing it but right here and now I feel cathartic and for the first time I drew my pictures and watched Match of the Day without so much as a fleeting thought.

Knowing not to reminisce is one thing but to put that into practice takes time and I feel I probably needed time to let go. I haven’t been able to do that until now. So, from this moment on I will not reflect on my past in my future blogs as that will defeat the object of my achievement. I will do what I’ve already been doing and that is discussing my current news, my art, anime and generally things that are relevant to me.

Christmas is coming and it couldn’t have come at a better time.

Thank you for reading. =)

Ryan.

ps, I also watched the anime film “Fireworks”. I enjoyed it very much. It was another great experience to watch an anime film at the cinema. =)

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been very busy with all kinds of things. I’ve been out socialising, continuing my outside projects and helping out with various tasks.

I got back into swimming a couple of weeks ago. I was hesitant in both weeks as the pool was filled with adults and children and we nearly bumped into each other a few times. I do my best to read situations but sometimes you learn things through experience rather than logic, even if you practice the scenario 100 times in your head. Haha.

I’ve been out a few other times as well and watched Wrestlemania at my brother’s and hanging out at Starbucks. My bro and I were both laughing because the gentleman that served me thought my name was Ray, not Ryan. I was chuckling to myself at that silly moment whilst gazing at nothing in particular when a lady, who stood near us, looked up and smiled at me. I felt a little awkward at that moment it looked as though I’ve been staring and smiling at her all that time. Of course this wasn’t the case and I would understand if she thought if I was bonkers but I will take a smile over a frown any day!

We had a lot of visitors at my home throughout the week and I helped to look after my niece twice this week on the same days as yoga and swimming. All was well when I felt something was off when I came back from yoga. I don’t know why but I felt very dizzy and lethargic and at one point I thought I was going to be sick. Why was I suddenly feeling ill? I had no idea why. The answer came to me quickly, a combination of lack of sleep and not giving myself enough time to recharge my batteries.

It has been a challenging week for me personally. I usually take things easy but lately I’ve been busier than ever and I’m not used to socialising with others more than once a week. Deep down I’ve probably withheld my stress and doing my best to persevere. My body and mind needs to slow down and take things easier, especially with things that aren’t in my control. It didn’t help that I got back into the habit of going to bed late and waking up very early.

It’s all ok though, as soon as I recognised something was wrong I tried to listen to the current conditions of my mind and body. What would cheer me up? Once decided I had a deep bath, watched Non Non Biyori and wrote some notes on my fantasy story. The only way I get rid of my negative thinking is to not try to force it out but to accept it and override it with something that makes me happy and only then will the negatives wash away. It works every time.

I feel it’s important to remember that even when I’m having an off day I know what makes me happy. =)

I also made the sad decision to get rid of my Lady Lamp. I’ve had it since I was sixteen but throughout the years it has been pretty much decaying to the point where it couldn’t be fixed. It was a very big decision and letting go of attachments is never easy. I was upset at first when I decided to let it go but I got used to its absence very quickly. It’s reassuring for me that I’m able to let go of materialistic attachments, especially something as precious as my Lady Lamp.

All these events remind me that no matter how challenging life gets things will turn out well in the end. =D

I like to talk about my current thoughts on anime and manga but I’ll leave that for another time. =)

The morning was not the perfect start to the day, for many reasons. I woke up late for breakfast as my alarm didn’t go off. I also accidentally yanked off my golden wristband. I was trying to adjust it as it was giving my wrist a bit of a rash. When it came off I was like “is it really that important?” and threw it in the bin. It turns out, as I found out later, it was VERY important. I wasn’t allowed in the dealer’s room so I had to go back upstairs and retrieve it from the bin…

Then, when I went to the game’s room the crew spotted that my wristband was *cough* damaged. Zen guided me to Ops where the crew gave me a replacement. After all this I decided to go back to my room to unwind where I learned there and then that I accidentally locked myself out of the room. I left my keys inside. It just so happens that my brother had a second key.

I did feel embarrassed at my own clumsiness so I decided to spend a while in my room to chill out for a bit.

DAY TWO at the KITACON and STREET FIGHTER TOURNAMENT

I spent the rest of the day mostly talking to cosplayers and taking photos. I found them all pleasant to talk to but my confidence was a little bit shaky.

Socialising is still a big learning curve for me but I feel like I’m able to read situations better than ever and gauge people’s reactions slightly better than I did the year before. I think on this day in particular I probably did put myself under unnecessary pressure to socialise and I think my approach to some conversations did come across as unnatural and nervy. Luckily all the cosplayers are very nice and understanding of each other, even though we don’t necessarily know each other all that well. That’s the kind of vibe that I get from everyone. It’s that kind of atmosphere.

At one point during the day I did feel like I’d had enough and felt I would rather be at home. But, I still tried to make the most of it whilst I was there and told myself that I was going to be more active in the evening and see what happens.

Later on I took part in the Street Fighter V Tournament despite the fact that I’ve never played the game before. I was never in it to win I just wanted to play the game as I thought it would be a lot of fun.

THE MASQUERADE and the PARTY

The Masquerade was a daunting experience and it was the first ever masquerade I had ever been to. I was extremely thankful that I got a VIP badge as I was allowed front row access right on the side so I could disappear anytime if it got too overwhelming. I found that reassuring. The atmosphere was not as loud and energetic as I thought it was going to be, instead it was just cheers and clapping and I don’t mind that so much as we’re supporting the cosplayers on stage.

I did my utmost best to get as many pictures as I could but everything was happening rather quickly and unfortunately I didn’t manage to take as many photos as I would have liked. I was disappointed but I did the best I could. It went on for quite a while and I did enjoy it but I think it ended at the right time, at least for me personally, as I can’t really be in a room in a large crowd for too long.

I went to my room to have a long rest after the event was done.

A couple of hours later I found my brother and good chum Chris and we danced in the party. I liked the party on the second day more than I did on the first day and I felt that it was because I was hanging around with a group whom I was familiar with whilst interacting with new people at the same time.

I spoke to a very nice lady. I think she’s a very interesting person and I enjoyed talking to her. It felt natural and I felt comfortable, a couple of years ago I might have made a polite excuse to go away from an impromptu conversation. Instead, I braved it and spoke to her. =)

I was also part of that humongous conger line and I was near the front, right behind the person who was videoing it with her camera phone. The best part of the conger line was that a Stormtrooper was right behind me. =D That conger line was fun and when it finished I decided that it would be a good time to leave and go to bed. I was in a good mood but I still had a very bad headache. If I left now, it would be on a high.

So I did.

LAST DAY

It was nice and calming on the last day even though I did feel very ill in my head and body. I think because I had been speaking to so many people over the last couple of days, I felt the energy was zapping away from me. It was the right time to go home.

I did manage to take some more pictures on the last day but I wasn’t feeling as energetic as I had been, but I think most people were probably feeling the same.

OVERALL

It was a very good experience and probably one of the best experiences I’ve ever had in my life. I think this Kitacon was a lot better than last year’s Kitacon and I think it helped that I had prior experience and that there was not as many people this time around.

I’m always going to be ill and be faint in huge crowds and socialising with people but I can will myself to ignore the negative emotions and enjoy the good times that were presented to me. I had the courage to speak to more people this year than I did last year and I even managed two parties in a row.

I had some good moments and some rather bad moments but everything I did was a big fun learning curve and I’m really glad that I went. I’m growing in confidence year by year and I’m learning to be comfortable with new people as well as with my current friends.

I’m also learning not to put unnecessary pressure on myself as things will happen naturally if you live in the moment rather than plan the future.

WILL I GO TO NEXT YEAR’S KITACON?

I’m not sure. There are more positives than negatives about this year’s Kitacon, for me, so I do feel more encouraged to go than not to go. But, I still don’t like planning or thinking too hard about it as I will feel apprehensive.

2014 has been one big adventure. Many happy things have happened for me as well as many nerve-racking moments. In fact, I keep on forgetting the littlest of things that happened this year. Passing an online course, completing my first ever story, attending my sister’s wedding and going out many times, especially London! Right now I’m just busy enjoying the festive season. =)

I’m sure 2015 will treat me just as kindly, if not more. I’m not sure what’s going to happen really, but there are many things for me to look forward to. There are plenty of Marvel films coming up at the cinema. I think a new James Bond film is also coming out at the pictures. I will hopefully take the opportunity in that year to upload my book onto Amazon Kindle. I’m very excited yet nervous about that prospect. =)

My New Year’s Resolution?… I don’t have one. Well, my New Year’s Resolution applies every day in every moment, not just on the 1st January. That resolution is to always be kind to others and to enjoy every moment of every day. I’m sure that whatever happens in 2015 is meant to be.

I will continue to write about my thoughts and how I cope in social situations. I will write plenty of anime and manga reviews. I also anticipate that I will share with you all my past experiences during my acting days. I have many funny stories to tell and I figured it’d be worth sharing. =)

I wrote quite a few haikus as it is one of my hobbies. I don’t usually share them as they’re rather personal to me. However, my gut feeling is telling me that I should share one haiku in particular. It’s the one that I wrote specifically for this time of year. Here it is:

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION

My-resolution,

Is-for-everyone-to-be,

Happy-all-year-long.

Written By

Ryan Speak

31st December 2014

THANKS FOR READING

My New Year’s Eve has just got better. My Christmas present, Non Non Biyori calendar, has literally arrived just in time before we welcome 2015. I’m really happy, so happy that I decided to share a photo of it here. =)

The Undateables is coming back on Channel 4 very soon. A few close peeps have mentioned in passing that it might be worth considering going on that show to meet up with someone. I appreciate their thoughts for me and considering my happiness. However, I have no plans to use these types of dating services.

My main reason is that it would just feel too forced and formal. I get anxious and nervous just meeting someone new at my brother’s and sister’s gatherings. I feel that meeting someone new by myself would put me under unnecessary pressure. Plus, the TV coverage wouldn’t really help ease my nerves. I make many mistakes in social situations and if I embarrass myself only a few people would see it. However, if I make mistakes and be quirky on TV then three million plus viewers would see it, not just a handful of people. Haha.

Really, being in a relationship has never really entered my mind. I did go on a date when I was 11 years old but that’s another story to tell in another blog. 😉 Really, what’s important is for me to meet new people and gain experience by meeting a variety of people. Of course, having a female partner would, I’m sure, be a valuable and wonderful experience. However, I’m in no rush. I never have been and I never will be. My priorities are my family and friends, meeting new people and making new friends through the art that is socialising. =)

I’m not worried about finding someone because I know I have a soul mate out there. It’s just that I haven’t met her yet, cue Michael Buble… I don’t know when, I don’t know how, and I don’t know where but I know that fate will assist me into finding that one special lady. Some of you may not believe in fate, but I’m a huge believer in fate and that two people are destined to be together. Some find each other through neighbours, some find each other through schools and some even find each other in pubs and train stations. Haha.

THANKS FOR READING

It will happen for me it’s just all about living in the present and not worry about what the future holds.

Just right now, I just finished watching a film about Glenn Miller starring James Stewart, it was really cool. Mr Miller is quite the pioneer in his time and a very positive gentleman. I would have like to have met him.

I’m now going to read heaps of manga that I got over Christmas, but not before going out for a long walk. The sky is golden and beautiful where I am right now. =D

Christmas has an impact on people in different but wonderful ways. For me, it represents a time to spend with family and friends. So far, I’m doing just that. However, it never really occurs to me that Christmas is coming until certain things trigger my realisation…

The Coca-Cola Advert

Putting up the decorations

Home Alone on TV

Advent Calendar

Walking out in the freezing cold

Putting up the Christmas tree

When do you realise Christmas is coming?

The decorations in my house look splendid, and I’ve got a new star to put at the top of the tree. =) I watched Home Alone the other day on Channel 4 +1. I would say that both Home Alone 1 and 2 are probably my favourite Christmas films of all time. I enjoy it now as I did when I was much younger. Even in the days when I in a complete world of my own. I remember my Mum buying the Home Alone soundtrack all the way back in 1992. It’s both wonderful and amazing how time flies. I’ve come a long way since then. =)

I’ve been in a good mood recently. I recently finished my illustration on a picture that I’m quite proud of. I drew and coloured Aoi Sakurai from the anime, ‘Rail Wars.’ I was thinking of doing either Rias Gremory or Takao next. However, I also begin to wonder if it’s more appropriate to draw a Christmas picture with a bunch of anime girls squashed together. That could be a lot of fun actually. If I feel like it, I’ll give them a go.

So far I’ve been doing a countdown to Christmas. Every morning I would eat a piece of chocolate from my Thomas the Tank Engine advent calendar. Then, I would post #day1 for example onto Instagram. I’m finding that a lot of fun. I don’t really eat heaps of chocolate in truth, but when I do, it’s on a special occasion. =D

THANKS FOR READING

I still have plenty of presents to wrap and cards to send but it’s all worth it when the 25th December arrives. 😉

Coincidentally, it was around this time last year that I blogged about the Applewood Farm pub quiz. This time was more special than the time from last year.

A dear friend of ours came to visit from Norway. He’s really my brother’s friend but I said ‘ours’ because I consider him a friend of mine too.^^/ Since he was over here we decided that we were going to the Applewood Farm pub quiz. I was invited out on this occasion. Usually I would have to think about it for days. Instead, I said that I would go and deal with my anxiety when the time came.

*

I did get into a little bit of a head mush for a couple of hours before the outing. I had a lot of decorations to sort out, house chores and wrapping presents. I tried to think rationally. It then came to my attention that a completely new person was going to come and join our outing. I started to get apprehensive. I was not prepared to meet someone new. It wasn’t long ago that I had just got over the whole London trip so how was I going to fare going to the quiz with someone new?

This nearly swayed me out of the trip. I then remembered that our friend from Norway was attending. It isn’t often that he comes over and he was going back the following day. This would really be my last opportunity to see him for a while so I decided to go, despite my sudden rush of worries.

*

The taxi with my brother and co arrived. A strange wave of anxiety then rose up in my chest and stomach. The taxi he ordered was… let’s call them Taxi Company X. Now, this was a big problem for me. Taxi Company X gave me a hard time during my college/university days. They often made me late, they crashed into posts, they nearly crashed into other cars and they deliberately left me stranded. My parents complained about them at the time and I was switched to another transportation company to get to college/university.

I promised myself that I will never travel with them again. And I kept that promise…but my brother made me break it. Bro, if you’re reading, shame on you! (The fact that my brother knew nothing about my silent promise is neither here or there. Haha.)

In all seriousness, I understand that things could have changed since my university days. For all I know the evening service might be a lot more efficient then the contract service. Letting things go can be difficult depending on your own experience. On this occasion I needed to grit my teeth hard. Fortunately for me Taxi Company X were ok and they didn’t leave me stranded. Of course I won’t forget about the times when they made my life difficult but this was a good barrier for me to overcome. They still wouldn’t be my first choice of transportation.

*

In the taxi I tried to distract myself by making conversation. We talked about rubbish and I was sort of ok.^^/

The pub quiz was quite fun, our team were the Volvo Brothers, Volbros for short. 🙂 The puzzle round was mighty difficult. I’m not even sure if I can explain it… so I won’t. Haha.

I was debuting my new jumper and silky T-shirt too. It was a proud moment… until it was cut short. It came to light that I dropped bits of chocolate flakes down my jumper. “Oh no!” was my instant cry. I then pulled up my jumper to find more chocolate flakes on my pants. “Oooooh nooooo!” was my bigger cry.

You may have gathered, but I get somewhat careless when I eat. I even found one on my forehead. I have no idea how that got there! I don’t eat like Cookie Monster though. Honest!

*

The socialising side was much better than I anticipated. There was a chance that another lady was going to join in with the quiz on our team too. It was too short noticed for me to react or worry so I decided to just take it in my stride. I was adamant that I wanted to be on the end of the table as I sensed that I needed to dash off a couple of times.

Our team were placed 8th out of 37 with 61 points. I was most pleased. We originally counted up the score to 48 points. When we didn’t hear our names I suspected that we might have been disqualified. If you’re caught using your phone during the quiz or google the answers then you’re automatically disqualified. I know I used my phone once replying back to a friend but no more than that. I was concerned that we might have been disqualified due to a misunderstanding. Thankfully, I was wrong. =)

I bought my brother a pint of…carling, I think? I’m a tea total by nature and never touch anything alcoholic. His birthday is coming up so I figured I should treat him. It’s probably the second time that I bought him a pint, but I was on my own in this case so I was unsure if I was going to get an I.D. check. It turned out, I didn’t.

I seem to forget that I’m not as young as I used to be. In my head, I feel no different now than when I was 17. It’s weird yet fascinating how we age. I digress.

*

I somewhat interacted with other people. I grinned at the quiz master and he winked at me back. I smiled back at a random lady who was smiling when I was at the bar, getting hot chocolate with marshmallows and chocolate flakes. Yes, these are the exact same chocolate flakes that went down my pants and top. Haha.

I was somewhat caught up in the crowd and sort of backed off so I let everyone get through the door first. I don’t like heaps of crowd as some of you may know, so I decided to wait until the crowd died down to get out. This random chap asked me “where did you come?” I replied “eighth.” He then mumbled a couple of words, but I believe he was paying me and my team a compliment.

A young cute lady then said to me that they came in second. I beamed up and offered my congratulations when Mr Drunk interrupted and said that she was lying out of her…backside. Now that I think about it, she probably said thirty second and he misunderstood her. Then, when we were outside he offered up a fist gesture so someone would bump with him. So, I stretched out my arm and gave him a fist bump. Haha. Then he walked away…

I think that was probably the first ever time I gave someone a fist-bump. Haha.

THANKS FOR READING

It was certainly an eventful evening from my point of view, but in a way, it’s a good change of pace and most certainly a valuable experience, especially when handling people who have had a little bit too much to drink.

It seems rather strange that I have been blogging for one full year now and this was met by many adventures that I did during that period. =) I’m not sure how it started really. I believe I was just rambling on with my family when it came up in passing that I should blog about my experiences with Autism. I learned over the years that writing things down can release my unwanted tension and it’s another form of me expressing myself. =)

After careful consideration, I registered on WordPress and my blogging journey started…

I could talk about my year as a whole, but instead, I’ll just summarise and link to the blogs that I think are significant.^^/

I went to WWE Raw with my circle friends. I used to be a big fan of WWE but this was the first time that I attended an actual wrestling show. It was daunting but it wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be. Plus, my favourite wrestlers were in attendance.

This was good experience and an instant highlight of the year. I arranged a birthday treat for my brother. This was the first time that I had actually arranged anything. I was also venturing into the unknown here. It was a little distance away but we both had a really good time and I would do Segway again without hesitation.

On some occasions I would go to the Pub Quiz either as a night out or to celebrate a special occasion. I would often have to have a long think about whether I want to go out or not. Last month though, I went to the pub quiz for Cheese’s (the friend, not the dairy product) birthday celebration. Instead of needing to think I just decided to deal with my emotions when the time arrived.

In early 2014 I stayed at my brother’s until the early hours watching WWE Royal Rumble. For some televised wrestling events I would often stay over. Usually after the event I spend the rest of my night sitting in a chair reading as I don’t feel comfortable sleeping in someone else’s house.

This was certainly a joyous occasion and I celebrated it with a pint of J2O. 😉 I learned a lot about writing and how to approach a publisher. Nothing has been happening for me and my books just yet but I believe I’m steering myself in the right direction. =)

Visiting my college again was quite a challenge. I was invited back to college a few times to watch performances and to catch up with people but I declined those offers. I was out of routine and had become unfamiliar with everything.

However, this year, I decided to pluck up my own courage and visited. I thought long and hard about this invitation but in the last minute I decided to say “yes.”

I went to watch the Transformers film with a friend… this was definitely a significant moment as this was the first time that I’ve been out with someone without a family member being present. The following day I went to the cinema with my Dad, and I took the initiative as he is less familiar with the procedure then I am.

I designed a Halloween costume dressed as the Shockmaster for my Brother’s Halloween party. The day after that I went to London to watch Distant Worlds: music from Final Fantasy orchestra at the Royal Albert Hall. As I travelled to London it was necessary for me to stay in a hotel, the first time that I ever slept in a bed that wasn’t my own… If that wasn’t challenging enough, I then travelled to Liverpool to watch WWE Raw.

I believe I still have a lot to learn where blogging is concerned. What I have learnt though is that at times I probably forced myself to blog about stuff if I felt that I should blog about it. I like to think that in one year I developed my own style of writing and blogging. I consider myself always upbeat and looking on the happy side of life.

What I learnt is that I need to enjoy what I’m writing and I would often remind myself that all these blogs are from my own point of view. I tend to get the best out of myself if I enjoy writing, especially when reviewing film and manga. It can be hard at times since I find it difficult to summarise but thankfully I have my editor (aka Mum) to help me out. 😉

I find as well that if you don’t force yourself to blog you will have more things to talk about.

I feel a lot better when I’m blogging as it’s a good way to express myself. However, it came to light at times that viewers from all over the world are actually reading what I have to say. I’m also aware that some of my blogs have put smiles on the faces of my friends.

Making people happy is what motivates me to continue writing and blogging. Being happy is important, and if I’m making someone happy then I intend to keep up with that flow! =)

THANKS FOR READING

I summarised my whole year to the best of my abilities. How did I do? Did I waffle too much? Haha. Well, I had to figure out how I was going to write this blog. In all honesty, it wasn’t a tough as I anticipated. All I had to do was sum up what I did and share my adventures from last November to now. =)

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I can’t wait to see what my future adventures will involve next.

In Part One I explained emotions before and after the wedding. At times my Autism played mind games with me, but with correct remedies I overcame some issues. The ceremony was much more exciting and chilled then I thought and I carried off my wedding reading with my head held high. Now, to tell you the rest of the day…

The Photographs

I was sort of in a pickle at this point. I didn’t really know who to converse with or hang out with. I suppose really I didn’t want to talk to anyone in particular, so, I just mulled around taking more random snaps of people and the general landscape. Every now and again I would elegantly dab my forehead with a tissue, battling the blazes of the hot sun. Haha.

I was extra hot since I had a waistcoat over my shirt. I kept my suit jacket on for as long as I could. Some of the folks often suggested that I should take off my jacket but I chose not to. I wanted to look the part for as long as I could. My attitude was ‘if I could survive 7 hours in a Lord Voldermort costume, then I could manage a good duration in a three layered get-up’. Someone said to me ‘are you mad?’ to which my reply was ‘yes.’ XD

I kept seeking shade many of a time. Trees were my best friend on that day.^^/

Then came the time when we all posed for Mr Photographer’s professional snaps. He took one where we all made the shape of a heart where the Bride and Groom kissed one another in the middle. Genius indeed! I really did like Mr Photographer. He was a very bubbly chap who was very creative in his craft. The sort of ideas he came up with for taking photographs are similar to my ideas and style. I liked him instantly. He gets two thumbs up from me. In fact, I actually took a few snaps of him taking snaps of other people…it was rather funny. XD

I thought it was actually cool that he knew my name. My fame is growing. Hoho. =D

It was time to pose for the immediate family photo. We were all chirpy at that point. Mr Photographer called me Superman for some reason, I didn’t know why but I took it rather humorously. The same when he joked and suggested that I would lie down in front of them. Usually I do take things to heart as sometimes I don’t always get jokes or sarcasm. My sister, the Bride, implied that I would have done, implying that I was some sort of drama-queen… my thespian days are behind me! 😉

All was ok until he told me to relax. I was confused because I thought I was relaxed. Then someone told me to breathe. Everything was said in good humour but I didn’t really understand why they were saying that. It clicked when I noticed that my body was somewhat tensed up. I was probably posing unnaturally. This made me feel really silly. Was I posing too much and being too unnatural in front of the cameras? I thought I was being natural in front of the camera? I felt a little embarrassed at these thoughts so I started to wander off. No one said anything incriminating, I just felt daft.

I got it in my head at that point that no matter what happened I was going to go home after the meal. I didn’t want to feel embarrassed or stick out like a sore thumb any longer…

…

I liked the orange juices; I got as many down my neck as existed. I also enjoyed taking some personal snaps of my Dad, who looked super dapper.

Many peeps there complimented me and my suit, all saying I looked dapper. Of course, everyone looked dapper and beautiful. I would have repaid the compliments but I was very much wrapped up in my own mind and worries to think about others at that moment in time.

The Meal

I walked in and a cute waitress stood in front of me. I think her name was Kimberly but I called her Isabel since I decided that she looked more like an Isabel. So Isabel asked if I knew where my table was, and pointed to it with a smile and bow. I knew where my table was since I actually helped with the printing of the table plan, but, I still enjoyed her brief company regardless. 😉

All the speeches by the wedding party were fun and touching to listen to. I was somewhat apprehensive as a glass of wine was already placed in front of me, as with everyone else. I do not like any alcohol by any stretch of the imagination and usually I would want to pour it away the next chance I got. Once again though, I started to think outside the box… all the wines are poured into those fine glasses since this was a formal occasion. This wasn’t the ‘let’s annoy Ryan show’ but the ‘Newlyweds show’. So, naturally all wine glasses would be filled with wine. It also didn’t mean that I had to drink it. Only I can make that sort of choice. If I didn’t want to drink it, I shouldn’t have to drink it. In the end, after all the needless worrying, I didn’t. =)

When my Dad finished his Father of the Bride speech, we all toasted the Bride and Groom, including me. I didn’t realise but I actually picked up the wrong glass! I picked up the chunky water glass instead of the wine filled glass and toasted the Bride and Groom with an empty glass. I put the empty glass back down as casually as I could… only to find out later that my brother actually filmed me picking up the wrong glass! …I have been named and shamed, haha.

Then we started the eating and talking amongst ourselves. My Auntie taught me correct table etiquette, especially when it comes to eating food. I never had a starter in my life; I go straight for the meal. It was a unique experience. I was focused when it came to eating. I was too conscious not to spill any tomato soup down my suit. It then came to my attention that the dinner was chicken with other unique substances… at that point I pictured one of those home cooked Sunday roasts… the one we had in that moment was much lighter than I expected. It was delicious. The dessert was truly exquisite. I had sticky toffee pudding, ice cream and a piece strawberry.

Then, my lovely lady Isabel (who really is Kimberley) came over a couple of times. =D We had a bit of a thing. She placed a cloth over my lap, the first to bring me food, water, and did it all with a smile. Then, when we locked eyes she came over and asked if I would like a coffee. I said no with a smile (what I would give to have teeth as white as Ross Gellar’s) and asked for tea. She apologised and said that she couldn’t help as she was a coffee girl. I almost suggested for her to stop her coffee girl duties and pull up a chair next to me! Alas, I respect her position as a coffee girl.

It’s the kind of forbidden romance that will never happen. Every time I see a coffee brand from now on it will always remind me of Isabel (really Kimberley)… OH WELL. It’s as the old saying goes; there are plenty of coffee girls in the sea, or in this case, coffee shops. XD!

I went out to freshen up for ten minutes or so, just to have a bit of a break away from the loud and joyous room of happy people. The Bride was alone, so, I took this opportunity to go over and say hi and say a few words with some of her posse. I could have spoken to her a few times earlier, and the Groom, but she was being surrounded by her posse so I decided to wait for the right moment to talk with her. I took my moment and approached her when she was alone.

I spoke pleasantly with what I call the dancing gang. They all seem to recognise who I was. One of them guessed that I was one of her brothers. I could tell straight away that one of them was a dancer by his mannerisms and energetic aura. 😉 They were all cool to talk to though. A few of them asked if I drank alcohol. Usually when that happens my sister would jump in and say that I don’t drink, being the supportive big sister. ^^/ Once upon a time if someone asked me if I drank alcohol, I would over react at the mere suggestion, nowadays however, I just say, no, I don’t drink, and leave it at that.

…

The cake cutting was due originally for 8 O’clock, but I found out the day before that it moved to half 8. My sister informed me that I didn’t have to be there for the cake cutting if I didn’t want to. Up until this point I got it in my head that I was definitely going home as soon as I scoffed down the meal…with grace and dignity of course. 😉

However, after the meal I think I probably came out of my shell little by little. In the morning I didn’t really fancy interacting with anyone. I think once I got the feel of the place and the type of people that were there, I started to familiarise myself with the whole situation. I exchanged pleasantries with Dale’s side of the family and some of Nat friend’s acquaintances/husbands. Something also happened that was rather significant to me- smiling at random people.

I’m no stranger to smiling per se, but usually if I lock eyes or share a glance with someone I usually look away rather quickly, standing out is not my thing. But on this day, I surprised myself. If someone looked at me and I caught them in the act (haha) I smiled, to which they smiled back. Then, to avoid any potential awkward freeze frame, I casually (I hope) turn away pretending to talk to someone else. The most unusual thing is, this didn’t happen just once, it happened at least five times. The confidence in me grew quite large. I always wanted to smile at some random person in the streets as not only will it make me feel better, but it might make them feel better. Yet, I managed to do it not once but numerous times. Good for me. =)

Whilst I started to come out of my bubble little by little I still feel that it was necessary to go home for a little while, in order to rest and freshen up. I went home at the correct moment. It helped me think and rationalise over a few pros and cons of the evening and how I was feeling. It was at that moment that I decided to come back for the cake-cutting ceremony. If anything bad happened or if I felt uncomfortable, I would just call upon the services of Dad and he would take me home.^^/

The Evening Reception

After freshening up and having some peaceful time to myself I came back, literally in the nick of time of the evening reception. With quick thinking I was able to video the Bride and Groom cutting the cake.

I hung around my Brother and his partner for a short while before deciding that I was brave enough to take snaps and video people dancing and laughing the night away. I even got some beautiful shots of the Bride and Groom Posse posing with fake cigars against the sunlight. There was a very funny photo of the Groom Force lifting the bride into the air. You could see all the groom gang but you couldn’t see the Groom himself… it was a very funny moment. I felt a bit proud since they asked for me personally to take some photos. =D

Ahem-

Some of the people really rocked the dance floor, including a lady (related to the chief bridesmaid), who had additional needs. She had loads of energy and was not afraid to show it off. I liked it how everyone accepted her. They danced with her rather than around her. It was a lovely sight.

After taking some snaps I decided that the music was too loud and everyone was too busy having fun and being energetic, so, I ventured outside for some alone time. The Sun went to bed early and the moon came out to party! =D It was very cool and extremely peaceful. If I’m honest, I think I could have spent the rest of the night outside rather than inside. Especially on this certain stone bench that I was attached too.^^ I decided to go back in a couple of times though, I was on a roll when it came to mingling, so, I decided to be courageous and interact with more folks.

Being courageous does not mean being fearless, it means doing something daring. XD

I spoke to Ian about Footy, I bantered with my Bro, who decided to steal my suit jacket. XD I took it off just after the meal since it’s been a good amount of hours without taking it off. XD I interacted with some of Nat’s former and present co-workers. They’re a fun bunch to talk to. One of them thought that me wearing my name tag was humorous. This was originally tied around the wine glass but I then tied it around the button of my waistcoat. “Now you know who you are!” They chimed. XD They made some mad banter jokes. I didn’t have the foggiest idea what they were on about but I imagine that it was something rude, judging by how Nat was laughing. XD!

The other waiters and waitresses were kind to me to. All thought it was humorous that I had my name attached across my suit jacket. I’ll tell you another miracle that happened… I drank three J2O’s from the Bar and I didn’t pay for any of them. Today was a lucky day to be Ryan. =D

Everyone became slightly rowdy and started to get more caught up in the excitement, so, I decided that once again it was time to visit the pleasant greenery outside.

I discovered that I rejuvenate myself every time I go outside. So, at certain intervals of interacting with various people I sought refuge in the pleasant and cool air outside. It’s a very beautiful garden, both during the day, dusk and in the evening. =)

At this point I decided to come home. I ventured back into the hotel, through the reception and I could see the Bride, calling me over, onto the dance floor with a bunch of people surrounding her. At that point I was like- “oh no dawg! You ain’t gettin’ me on the dance floor to boogy like Grace Kelly! Cause I’ve got Sky broadband SHIELD!” …just kidding, I don’t have sky. D=

It was my misunderstanding as the Bride wanted to say farewell. Exchanged hugs (I don’t do hugs, I get too tense) said bon vouyage (haha) and went home first. I said a quick goodbye to Paula, took a few snaps of the Bride with the Groom and the Bride’s Father a couple of times, then, time for home.

I got home at half past eleven at night; I had to do a double take to look at the time correctly.

Oh, by the way, I kept on receiving praise for my wedding reading from the Bride’s point of view. It was a lovely sentiment and to be honest I completely forgot that I did the wedding reading. I only remembered when people came up to me about it and when the Groom thanked me in his speech.

The Aftermath

It’s taken me a couple of days to recover from the wedding. I’m still recovering now. I’m in a messed up sleeping pattern, haha.

For the past few days I dedicated my time to uploading the photos and videos in order to show the Bride and Groom when they are back from their honeymoon, in the United States of America. =D

All the guests and family alike were quite impressed with my photos. I’m glad they were, I’m pleased with how I applied my trade as well. =) I snapped some from very unique angles and vision.

I also decided to keep my name tag and my poem verse by Edward Monkton as special memories of the Wedding.^^/

Conclusion

I out did myself when it came to interacting and mingling. I was slow to start but I found my feet as the day went on. I got it in my head throughout the day that I was going to go home after the meal, yet, I stayed until eleven O’clock at night. I mingled much more than I thought I could ever manage. All the guests from the Bride’s side and Groom’s side were simply endearing and approachable. The pair have very good taste in friends.^^/ It certainly made my day easier and I think it’s the positive atmosphere of the people that helped me stay longer then I anticipated. Granted, I still needed my own space from the noise and busy reception. =)

I had a significant role with the wedding reading. I should also point out that it was a lot different than performing. When I’ve had a role in a performance and I’ve stood in front of people, afterwards I would usually remember what I’ve said word for word because I continue to be in character. However, on this day, since the reading was more personal, I felt more relaxed and as I wasn’t in character, the pressure was off and I simply forgot that I had read it. XD!

It’s important to note that whilst I was able to stay the full day, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I will be able to do the same next time. My Autistic quirks always play a part in my life, big and small, and that’s something that I will never escape from. In a nutshell, I’m always battling with myself and my troubles.

These troubles will never go away but I choose to endure these troubles rather than escape. I never run away from a situation and I certainly wasn’t going to start with my one and only sister’s wedding.

Overall, the ceremony was wonderful and definitely one of the most memorable moments in my life. I anticipated many unnecessary scenarios and things were not as bad as I assumed. I did myself proud, very proud. Challenges were never meant to be overcome with ease, and that philosophy suits me to a tea. ^^/

Usually when I’ve been on an adventure I like to unload all of my thoughts and all the shenanigans that happened that day to my closest family. I decided to do that with the art of writing a blog. You can find a picture of me in the link above. That’s what I wore for my sister’s wedding. =)

25th July marked a special day for my calendar. It was an occasion that was much more significant then Prince William and Kate’s wedding. The marriage took place between my sister, Nat and my newly crowned brother-in-law, Dale. That day was all about the bride and groom, but in this blog, I will make it about me. =)

I have a lot to convey so I have divided the blog into two parts.^^

1. The Build-Up

It’s been non stop since Dale popped the question last year and Nat saying “yes.” The pair of them (especially the bride) worked really hard to organise the whole event.

I had some responsibility and jobs to do. I assisted with the writing of the table plan and printing off the images… I’m pretty sure I had other responsibilities but it has slipped my mind as to what they were. I enjoyed helping whenever and however I could. I did get exhausted though. Sometimes I fell asleep halfway through the jobs. Luckily, I managed to get the jobs done with plenty of time to spare.

I was asked to do a reading for the ceremony too. It was a verse called In That Still and Settled Place by Edward Monkton. I was a bit uneasy at first as I’m aware that I get tongue tied quite easily, especially when talking to new people. I read it and I found it to be much simpler than I thought. In fact I subconsciously memorised it after reading it three times. I opted not to practice zealously as I felt that composure in that moment was more important. I could practice one hundred times but I might get tongue tied on the day due to nerves.

I was told that I could let myself loose and take pictures like a photographer-ninja. Haha. Once again I felt uneasy. What if I got yelled at because they didn’t want their photo taken? I often received reassurance that I wouldn’t get yelled at since taking photographs was common at weddings. My mind was clearer after that.

I was looking forward to the Wedding; my one and only sister was getting married.

2. The Anticipation

A week or so before, it actually dawned on me that the wedding was happening. All kinds of gratuitous thoughts entered my head. This is my Autistic quirks zone where I worry needlessly and anticipate unnecessarily.

Going to this wedding is going way, way out of my comfort zone. Everything would be formal. I would go to a place that I’ve never been before. I was going to read a reading in front of new people. Meeting familiar faces, old faces and new faces all in one setting. I don’t like my friend zones mixing with each other for some reason. I would be wearing a suit; I prefer trendy clothes then smart clothes. And, it’s going to be very, very hot. I’m not so keen on hot weather. They’d be a huge crowd, everything huddling together and stuff.

Admittedly, many of these thoughts made me think ‘I don’t want to go’. The cons really overshadowed the pros. It got me stress and my anxiety did grow. I felt even more anxious for feeling anxious at my own sister’s wedding. It’s quite daft now thinking about it. It didn’t help that I kept going to bed late and waking up early. So, sleep deprivation did play a part.

I then decided at the last minute that I was going to illustrate my very own card. It would have been much easier to buy one, but, it would feel more personal to create one. So, I did. I was fairly happy with the results of my work. It would have been much better had I put a little more effort into it and if I had more time. I knew they would appreciate my creativity regardless. So, all is good. I created a moon in the sky that reflected onto the water, then, I did white silhouettes of the girl coming out of the rose and the guy coming out of the lily. The top bit of the lily I put over the guy’s head so that it looked like a top hat… it looked nothing like a top hat, but hey, it was still fun to draw nonetheless! XD

Being sentimental and affectionate makes me quite uncomfortable and embarrassed. I tend to show affection through back handed compliments. I have this thing, since I was little when I disliked it when people go “AWW”. It really grates on me. I dislike it when that happens so I tend to hold back on the compliments in case I receive that reaction in any way. I don’t know why that’s a pet peeve of mine, perhaps I find it patronising? Perhaps I find it to embarrassing and cringing? Whatever the case, I know that I don’t like it.^^/

However, some things did get me through the cons. someone put it to me like, think about the wedding rather than your worries. So I did, and things became more chilled. I might have said that to myself but regardless I still went with that thought in mind. I listened to Thomas the Tank Engine’s theme tracks; I watched anime and listened to soundtrack of Non Non Biyori. I also looked at the wedding from the bride and groom’s point of view, rather than mine. Things tend to work if I just relax.

There might be scenarios and thoughts that will be the cause of your anxiety, but there will be plenty of remedies to wash away your anxiety. Fortunately, I have many battle plans in place. 😉

Then, came the day…

3. Before the Ceremony

My Dad took my Mum and Auntie to the venue first; then, he came back for me and took me, Bro and his partner to the wedding venue. I was extremely hot. We drove 40 minutes to the place and I wore trousers, waistcoat, shirt and shoes. I took a bag of goodies with me so I could freshen up whenever I needed to. I enjoyed chit-chatting to Bro and his partner; the little conversations sort of took my mind away from my uneasy thoughts.
I got a little nervous getting out of the car. It was blazing hot and to add to the heat factor, I then put my suit jacket on. It was hot in the car, but even hotter outside. I wanted to dive right back into my vehicle. I don’t handle heat particularly well, some of you may know, but I tried to think positively. I put it in my head that the Sun wanted a front row seat to view Nat and Dale’s wedding, so, he popped from behind the clouds and got himself comfortable. Haha…

I didn’t approach anyone; rather, they were approaching me. I posed for a photo or two with some of the crew but I got severely uncomfortable when being touched. It was only around the waist and arms but I do get uncomfortable and nauseous when I get into physical contact with someone. I’m ok if it’s brief, but I quickly tense up if it’s more than ten seconds.

To control my nerves I started to take snaps of random objects and people bustling about. I tried to take quick snaps since my sister informed me to take snaps of people acting natural. I probably took this to heart since I took a good load of people laughing amongst themselves. I tried to take pictures of couples posing but I found it more comfortable to take…what I would describe as sly snaps rather than posed snaps. Haha.

I caught up with a bunch of various people though, enjoyed chit-chatting to them. I caught my hairdresser before she left, nice seeing her. She did the hair of my sister, a cracking job she did too. I caught up with the groom and his groom force. I caught up with Paula, not seen her in ages. Caught up with Damien and Mr Paul. I caught up with… well, a bunch of people really. There’s too many to name but they know who they are. 😉

Taking photos relaxed me, so, I kept on snapping.

I actually promised myself that I was not going to take any artistic photographs at this wedding. I told myself to take normal and refined photo of everyone… as soon as I got snapping away; well… there was no turning back. =D I snapped the lens as much as Ken Shamrock snapped ankles. Haha. Only certain people will understand that reference. XD

I heard a cry from within the realms of the hotel- it was time for the ceremony.

4. During the war… ahem, Ceremony

We all bustled into this tiny room which luckily was full of open doors and windows. I was going to seek refuge in that room earlier, to escape the warmness of the sun, but opted not to. But the lady sort of guided us formally through the entrance of the building which led to the ceremony room. It would have saved time just to skip into that room, but, it was probably more appropriate to go into that room the round-a-bout way. XD

The room was much smaller than I anticipated. I went to my Auntie’s wedding 15 years ago where she got married in a fairly big building. The room was rather long and wide too. Yet, this room was just about as big as the two rooms in my house. I would have felt squashed and uncomfortable but luckily there were plenty of windows and doors open which led to outside. So, things were not as bad as I anticipated. Again. 😉

We all took our places. Since I had a role for the ceremony, saying that verse by Edward Monkton, it was necessary for me to sit at the end of one of the rows. I sat far right on the second row. The head lady talked me through what I needed to do. She was very pleasant. Looked slightly stern so I was concerned that she was going to be old school, but she was very pleasant and laid back to talk to. The registrar was down to earth as well.^^

…

The ceremony was bliss. Everyone got very emotional, especially the wedding party. =) The Bride and Groom have been together for what seemed like a lifetime so it was a wonderful sight to see them finally tying the knot. It was a formal environment but I felt it wasn’t as formal as I feared it was going to be. The lady was not as stern as I thought. Everything that happened I did not think it would happen. It was all a very strange phenomenon.

Chris then stood up and said his wedding reading on the Groom’s behalf. What he said was most touching, although, I did get a sense that he was severely nervous. He did a good job regardless. And then, the lady proclaimed, looking right at me, “we now have another reading, this time from Ryan.”

I stood up, hopped over Nat’s veil, and stood at an angle. I said the title of the verse but I slightly stumbled on Edward Monkton’s name. I was never concerned about reading the verse itself, I was more concerned about my trousers. I have the right sized trousers by all means but no matter what, I kept on visualising my trousers falling down during my reading. So, for my own peace of mind I bought a belt and wore it. For those who know me, I do not like belts. I find them most uncomfortable, especially when sitting down.

I like to think that I did justice to that little verse. It was very well received by the guests. I received a round of applause but most importantly Dale and Nat looked please.

I tried to read it as poetically as possible, adding my own expression and emotion. I tried to make it more personal. I looked it at it like these were what Nat wanted to say to Dale, so, in a sense I was reading it from Nat’s point of view. Because of how I interpret I wonder if it would have been more appropriate to have a female read it instead. But, really, I think Nat made the right choice picking me since we’re siblings and I’m confident when it comes to reading poems. =)

Nobody probably noticed this but when I was reading I was looking directly at Dale and Nat. Since I felt this was more personal and it was from Nat’s point of view to Dale I tried to direct everything I did towards Dale. I wasn’t ignoring the guests it’s just that I was directing and looking at Dale since it was a verse made to be listened by him.^^/

My brother and Dale’s brother were also the official witnesses for the Bride and Groom’s wedding. It was a nice touch that both my Brother and me were involved of the ceremony.^^/

…

As quick as that, the ceremony was over as soon as the groom kissed the Bride.

In this time I managed to snap some quite good photos. Everyone was quite impressed. I managed to get a cheeky one where the Bride and Groom walked past the window. It would have been great but Mr Spider photobombed it. D=

…

The ceremony was bliss and beautiful. So far, I was excited and happy. It was a good day to be Ryan.