It's NOT the Good Kind

Monthly Archives: January 2010

I was diagnosed a while ago with stress induced syncope. Basically it means that when I experience a sudden onset of extra stress, my blood pressure drops extremely low causing me to blackout. It’s happened a few times but never this bad. I was able to hide this from my extended family though Chris and a few people very close to me knew. I chose not to add this extra stress to the people I don’t see daily. Why add more stress regarding my health. I was hoping I could get a handle on it but clearly I can’t.

On Tuesday I had an accident. Chris’s carpool ride didn’t show up so he came back home needing a ride, but I had 20 minutes to get dress, dress the kids and drive him to work to be on time. I did feel really stressed by the rush and my anxiety kicked in. I went about my business getting everything done and Chris to go warm the car so it would run properly (it stalls out if you drive it cold- and it was COLD!) I headed for the kitchen to ensure Aussie had picked up his lunch, I felt “off” for a second and got tunnel vision then went down.

Aussie wittnessed it which I feel horrible about. I scared the life out of him. Since he knew nothing of my fainting he thought I died. That’s what having a mom with cancer does. He ran down to get his dad and 911 was called. Aussie explained to them that I started talking funny and just fell. Smashing my head on the stove on the way down.

Once at the hospital we realized that I had went down to my knee first because it was ballooned up and intensely sore, as was my back.

Turns out I wound up with a mild concussion, I tore ligaments in my knee, and jarred my back a bit. They sent me home on crutches and with a few more prescriptions to add to the huge pile I already have.

Another side effect of this incedent is that my parents have been here “baby sitting” me for the past few days. I am hoping today is the last day of this. My parents are divorced and both have quirks that can be difficult, but the two of them don’t particularly enjoy being in the same room together. They only do it on special occassions. holidays and such were normal in the past, but since I got sick we have added surgeries etc to the list. So being with them in the same room together for 9 hours a day this week has been…. ehem… interesting.

Dad has been doing all the chauferring that I normall do to get everyone to work/school, Mom has been keeping on top of my housework etc. And together they’ve run errands and groceries for me and acted as babysitters for me. It seems I am no longer trusted to be alone. I hope all this nonsense ends soon.

In order for them to hand my freedom back next week I have had to promise to keep a phone on me at all times, and to always answer it when someone calls. Right now my mom is starring at me in a way that says I am about to be told to take a nap…. I won’t argue.

Fuck I hate cancer. Just needed to get that out. It’s the middle of the damned night and I should be sound alseep but no… not me, my brain is for some reason working a mile a minute. It just occurred to me that I really might die from this. Sure thyroid cancer is known to be higly treatable, but everyone I know who’s had this had one little surgery and most didn’t even have to do radiation. So if after 2 surgeries and radiation treatment why do I still have it.

Everyone tells me to be positive, yeah well try my life on for size then tell me how I stay positive day after day. Walking around with a big stupid fake smile on my face, making everyone else feel like everything’s gonna be ok. Maybe it’s not.

So my brain keeps going back to the fact that we have nothing in place in case I DO DIE. What then?

I need to plan…. but what do they all do if I die, what do I want them to know if I die.

I scarred shitless that this ugly, horrific illness will not just ruin my family (as it’s doing already) but also rob my family of me. Not that I am great or anything but I am trying to do my best for everyone. My daughter needs me to continue helping her to grow into the beautiful soul I she she can be. I have had some hand in the amazing man Aussie is becoming, and I want that for Roo.

I want to be here to see, first loves, graduations, weddings, children, grandchildren. Hell, I just wanna be here to make them breakfast. BREAKFAST…. is that really too much to ask for? To be here for every tomorrow to make them breakfast? A task that I always hated doing, I HATED morning routine… WHY? It’s beautiful, it’s chaotic and perfect. But I didn’t see it. I didn’t appreciate it. Well GOD I see it now so fuck off and let me have my life back!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone is alseep so now I can safely cry without causing worry. Then I’ll write my kids the letters I’ve been avoiding. The letters of the things I want them to know after I am gone, and begin putting a box together of things for when I am gone….

I spent the better part of the last 2 days hiding from my family, friends anything social. So basically the world in general. I stayed in bed and it forced my hubby to have to jump in and take over everything that I normally do. I feel badly about that now, but I needed to allow myself a bit of time to let the news absorb. I am still not dealing well with it and I am now taking more ativan than I have ever needed in the past. I just feel my ability to be positive and cope well is slipping away. I know it will come back, I just don’t know how to get it back…

Why Me? Why is my family having to deal with this, and why do I always get bad news. I don’t feel I deserve this nor does my family. How did I get it and what did I do that could have been a cause/trigger? Why can’t it just be over already one way or another. I am tired of the fight.

I got the results today… I did get good the news that I prayed for, but it was topped with bad news.

THE GOOD NEWS: The cancer has not spread to my bones or blood. Thank God. I am relieved about that. this is the best news in terms of progression of the disease.

THE BAD NEWS: My thyroglobulin level was off the charts. This means I still have too much cancer in my neck and that the cancer is extremely aggressive and resistant to the radiation. Now I start prep’ing for radiation all over again… My schedule is now as follows:

Feb 21st start low iodine diet for 10 days, March 1st and 2nd two more doses of Thyrogen March 3rd Arrive at the Hospital at noon for a small dose of radiation (like super small, just enough for an uptake to help the body scan to be read) 4mci is the dose for this appt (when I was in for radiation it was 200mci) Then I have limited contact with the kids for 2-3 days only.March 5th Whole body scan to determine how much cancer has been killed since the last scan.

Then I get a small break until:March 28th start low iodine diet again for 10 days.April 7th and 8th Thyrogen shots AGAIN (as long as our benefits will cover it it twice in a calendar year) The alternative is I stop taking my meds for 4 weeks to force my body to go hypo. Not nice.April 9th back into the hospital for 3-4 days for 2nd treatment of radiation.

I just don’t know how to react. I am devastated. I was so sure I was going to get a clean scan and be able to start getting back to our old lives. I am going to going lay down, My head is splitting and the computer has made it worse.

Tomorrow I get the results of the whole body scan. I can’t help but feel really good about it. I am, after all, feeling relatively good recently. I feel really good actually, better than I have felt in a while. My friends and family are all cheering me on and they also feel like it HAS to be good news!

So I will go to sleep tonight and say yet another prayer for some good news.

Night night world…. Here’s to hoping that tomorrow is the begining of the end of this nightmare.

I feel like a bus hit me, I am more exhausted than I was before and I hate the change in my taste buds. One of the possible side effects from radiation is altered taste. I taste a kind of bitter, chemical taste. There is next to no flavor being picked up, so eatting is a lousy. That might be a good thing…? At least I didn’t suffer with the dreaded dry mouth they warn of. Many people wind up with damaged saliva ducts as result of this radiation. It’s why they tell us to constantly eat sour candies while we are radioactive. It forcesthe ducts to keep working. My mouth now gets dry, but mostly I notice it when I wake in the morning, but the daytime is fine.

Now I am just hoping my taste buds resume there original duties soon. I wanna be able to taste properly again!!!