for me, it is an end of an era. i have spent the past 10 years here, describing my life, events, people, experiences, thoughts, hopes, resentments, problems and solutions. this place was the deep dark corner of my life - showing the difficult struggles and finally - a way out of them.

as i believe that God puts things into perspective, this is what is supposed to happen. maybe some of you will finally say goodbye to me. maybe some of you will have a reason to contact me in person. in a way it is a relief, since these entries have been very intimate and exposed my deepest emotions and some of the entries reached almost 8000 views, leaving me perplexed and feeling naked.

i will still write. writing is therapeutic. in a way, writing is who i am.

although the entries here are sometimes dramatic, sad and deep, my life has improved greatly.
i honestly feel amazing.

one of the things i really wished for in my life was the ability to talk to everyone in my life equally - to my parents, managers, friends - more and more often i notice exactly that. there are no more ironic, sarcastic, smug, arrogant, complainant remarks from my side. either something is useful and i obtain it, or it is not, and i let it pass.

rather share ideas, notions, values, experiences. listen more.
i'm really proud of myself. what i have become. for the people that are next to me. for the steps i'm taking. for the peace, inspiration, motivation, dedication within me. for ability to separate useful from the odd.
for the ability to take situations rationally, without getting into drama, blaming, looking down, assuming. being able to have self-respect. joy. and starting to take things easier and myself - less seriously.

the most important ethical task of your life is to deal with your own shadow, and not make others responsible for it. otherwise you'll always harm and blame others. this is something you must do on your own. if you fail to do this, if you fail to admit it for what it is, and give it the place it deserves - you will always be unjust towards others, seeing your own shadow in them. the villains, the threats will be out there. the ones to blame will be out there - in them you will see your own shadow, unable to see the evil within you. and until the day you recognize the shadow in yourself it will lead your life and you will call it your destiny.

the more i tried to fight it and pretend i'm fine, the worse it got.
i'm fully depressed. it doesn't mean what it used to 6 months ago. it doesn't mean angry at myself or the world, it doesn't mean crying out of desperation although i cry, it doesn't mean being a victim, being hurt, forcing myself or hating.
it means that for now i give up, i have no more power to pretend, to fight, to put up masks, to do smth others want me to. but neither do i have any power to do what i want either. the best i can do is let myself alone in a loving way. sleep. sleep some more. sleep while working. risk losing friendships due to sleeping, crying or avoiding places i don't want to be in.
as ironic as it is, this is actually one of the rare times i am being selfishly loving towards myself without it being on the cost of others. i'm ready to give up everyone and everything as long as i can rest as much as needed and do only what i want to do.

i am also very grateful to everyone who doesn't resent me, and what is even more important - doesn't pity me. i don't need pity. i need recovery. things that make my body, mind and soul feel good.

one of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. in denial, there is bliss. in anger, there is some sense of power. in bargaining, i am thrown between believing there is something i can do to change things and realizing there isn't.

if i will do this, that will happen.
if i will be better, smarter, more dedicated, this and that will happen.
if i will be perfect, someone might love me.

i do big, small, and all kinds of things, sometimes crazy things to avoid the pain involved with accepting reality. there is no substitute for accepting reality.
recognizing the bargaining phase is already a step in the right direction.

today, i pray i can let go and accept the reality as inconvenient as i find it.

generally i agree.
but the question is who or what are the employees loyal to?
i've seen so many of them being loyal to their safe seat where they don't have to do anything for years, and then changes come, they are asked to change along, change their tasks, adapt to new technology and that's when they are no longer loyal.
i've heard quotes such as "how dare you, i've been in this company for 15 years!"
are they really loyal to the company, wanting to spend their time, adapt to changes, do what is necessary to grow, improve? or do they want things to stay the same for many years to come, as long as the employee keeps getting paid?

we live in a rapid time where change is like a huge wave of tsunami, strong and inevitable - things change, the world changes and if we don't embrace this change, initiate it, create it or at least admit it, we will be flushed away in a second.

so before you hang out your loyalty flag, think again. is it the company, state, person you are loyal to? or are you loyal to yourself, your status, your position, living in comfort, afraid of change?

i hope this will be the last entry of that mind blowing book. i'm not even half way there, but it keeps blowing my mind.

"Let us try to translate the most famous line of American Declaration of Independence into biological terms:

We hold there truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal. That they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

According to the science of biology, people were not "created". They have evolved. And they certainly did not evolve to be "equal". The idea of equality is inextricably intertwined with the idea of creation. The Americans got the idea of equality from Christianity which argues that every person has a divinely created soul, and that all souls are equal before God. However, if we do not believe in the Christian myths about God, creating and souls, what does it mean that all people are "equal"? Evolution is based on difference, not on equality. Every person carries a somewhat different genetic code and is exposed from birth to different environmental influences. This leads to the development of different qualities that carry with them different chances of survival. "Created equal" should therefore be translated into "evolved differently".

Just as people were never created, neither, according to biology, is there a "Creator" who "endows" them with anything. There is only a blind evolutionary process, devoid of any purpose, leading to the birth of individuals. "Endowed by their Creator" should be translated simply into "born".
Equally there are no such things as rights in biology. There are only organs, abilities and characteristics. Birds fly not because they have a right to fly but because they have wings. And it's not true that these organs, abilities and characteristics are "unalienable". Many of them undergo constant mutations, and may well be completely lost over time. The ostrich is a bit that has lost its ability to fly. So "unalienable rights" should be translated into "mutable characteristics".
What are the characteristics that evolved in humans? "Life", certainly. But "liberty"? There is no such thing in biology. Just like equality, rights and limited liability companies, liberty is something that people invented and that exists only in their imagination. (again necessary for the society to stick together). From a biological viewpoint, it is meaningless to say that humans in democratic societies are free, whereas humans in dictatorships are unfree. And what about happiness? So far biological research has failed to come up with a clear definition of happiness or a way to measure it objectively. Most biological studies acknowledge only the existence of pleasure, which is more easily defined and measured. So "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" should be translated into "life and the pursuit of pleasure".
So here is that line from the American Declaration of Independence translated into biological terms:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men evolved differently, that they are born with certain mutable characteristics and that among these are life and the pursuit of pleasure.

Advocates of equality and human rights may be outraged by this line of reasoning. Their response is likely to be "we know all people are not equal biologically!"

@"Sapiens. A Brief History of Humankind" by Yuval Noah Harari.

Bottom line - for the society to function and for so many people to collaborate, we must follow this "naive" idea of equal rights. The leaders, politicians, popes must themself believe in the idea of democracy, Christ, or it won't survive. Our society lives on as long as we believe in society.

how the success of a species is measured by the number of dna specimens and not level of happiness (thus, miserable cattle this very moment is a more successful species than an almost extinct happy species somewhere in madagascar living free (just like a company's success is measured by numbers, not by the happiness of their employees - yes, yes, yes, there is a voice from the past saying "the more zeroes there are in the contract the better").
how the complainers and criers were eliminated fast, euthanized even for their own good.
how in order to tame sheep, the most curious, the most aggressive and the fastest ones were killed first, when one needed an obedient flock.

how the humans made a slight miscalculations and from free and healthy species we were domesticated by wheat, an seemingly insignificant plant that became the king of everything.

this and more also helped me solve a situation at work where my employee openly threatened to leave since they believe they can do my job better than me (what was my first reaction? run away from conflict, just like the good old childhood days), but now, i inhale the book, take a step back and do my job to the best conscience. screamers can scream.

i cannot even start to quote it, but basically everything is in our heads. homo sapiens in the only species that believes in 10 things they haven't seen, heard or experienced before breakfast. it is the only specie that survives because of gossip. where large groups can agree on believing the same imaginary thing and act on it. how to completely strange specimens can get along instantly by agreeing on "values", "borders", "laws" - something existing only in their minds.
how one thinks you are naive but then those are just different "realities" people live in, and people with similar realities sell their idea and if it is beneficial enough or sticky enough, it takes over the world.

how we live our every day in our heads, basing out trust in things that don't exist.

amazing.
i can only read it 5-10 pages at the time, since it is that deep, but it will shake the ground you're standing on (physical or imaginary).

adult children are used to a very high stress level. living in constant dysfunction and drama makes it our natural habitat. first 18 years of our lives we spend in humiliation - that is when our personality is formed. our parents often told us we were not not good enough - even when we had achieved a level that was higher than average.

now being sober i try to avoid stress and drama at all costs. my life has become quite calm. it will take at least another year to feel stable, but now, looking back, i see clearly how i was drawn to drama, closing my eyes and jumping into events, acting without thinking. there is a way out though, and it starts with some very basic things. good sleep. good food. breathing exercises, walks, nature. reading. listening to music. those are simple but healing things. when thinking what last 12 months have consisted of, it is surprising i'm alive.

anything to stay calm and carry on.
i no longer seek excitement. i only seek peace.

for many years i had been playing the victim.
but now, the first step would mean for me to admit i was powerless to the effects of family dysfunction, and i misunderstood it as stepping back to the role of a victim which i refused to do.
however the effects cannot be handled til i admit them.
a fine line between playing a victim (being helpless) and admitting the flaws (being powerless).
a fine line between using the situation as an excuse to pull bs and admitting the facts and dealing with them.

it was also difficult to admit i suffer from depression (and have for over 8 years at least). i see many happy people, dancing in their lives, and i want to jump along with them with both legs broken. i see other people with broken legs and look at them with disgust, since they remind me how broken i am myself. i want to point out their flaws so i don't have to deal with my own. i want to pretend, but the more i do, the more it hurts.

i wanted to be perfect fast. i was sober - why wasn't sobriety enough to be perfect and happy? why at times was i still angry for no reason? why was i still taking things too personally despite meditation? why was i afraid of strong females? why was i running away from conflicts and pouring my anger out to kinder people counting on them forgiving me? every time each of these things happened, i was beating myself up. i knew it was wrong. i kept blaming Higher Power for things i caused with my own denial and pretense. i kept hating myself. but hate doesn't heal or change past, present or future.

and the cycle begins again.
they say ACA is a lot more heart ripping than AA, but i can no longer pretend i'm just an alcoholic.
as much as i want to look the other way and say it's gonna be fine, the time has come to face the music and own it.

today:
i am powerless over the effects of family dysfunction and my life has become unmanageable.

i've always wondered when hearing that people tend to fall off the wagon right after hitting a sobriety anniversary. i felt it so clearly yesterday. it is all due to unresolved feelings and lack of work with the program, expecting a miracle.

one more week and it will happen, 3 more days, tomorrow..
but the miracle never arrives, because there is no miracle.
it is a simple 24 hour day by day kind of a deal. no more, no less.
it works if you work it.

so today i let it all out. i felt like shit, but everything that had been gathered up, just had to get out.
it hurt like hell.
i'm glad it didn't cost me sobriety, but it was a high price to pay none the less.

tonight was also special night. there have been many random thoughts over the past weeks, many weird events, many feelings. i've often made these entries carefully, trying to make myself look good, thinking about the many people who might read it.
today i'm tired of it. i'm not only the flaws showed over the past months revealing through the steps. i'm also really great and talented, funny and caring, intelligent and gentle. good looking. creative. dedicated. my true confidence (not the huge ego mask) is finally starting to show, and it's a great foundation.

tonight i went to a concert that made me feel. i hadn't felt something like that for a very long time. during sobriety up to today, feelings have been something to be handled with caution and never to be followed spontaneously as they come, good or bad, to avoid falling into extremes or acting on the first thought. but beat by beat, the music seduced me, awaking deeper and deeper longing and awakening, joy and something divine.

five months. amazing months. last week i received an email saying i was the employee of the month. the first reaction was to close it and pretend it wasn't there or didn't mean anything. however, there was no reason for it. it was a great honor indeed, and when the thought stopped being so scary, i could only feel deep gratitude towards my employer, and then another wave of humble gratitude - it felt like the whole Fellowship and God, as I understand him, were behind me, protecting me. this honor wasn't mine alone. it was earned with hard work, one day at the time, together with my fellows and sponsor.

last week i also received an email from my mother containing a letter i wrote to her as a 14 year old child, begging for forgiveness for being a bad child - along with her apology for it. the second case when i closed it and pretended it wasn't there. as an alcoholic i cannot afford to react on the smallest emotion as it comes. i gave this a thought and after swallowing the sadness and disgust for the emotions that my original letter brought up, i realized, i genuinely hold no resentment. the apology no longer changed anything, since i was in peace with the past. neither did i feel superiority, because it must have been hard for her to come to that conclusion. it felt like it was another step in her own journey, and i could only accept the apology, thank her and let her continue her way.

during the past months have been weird due to being single and sober - this is the first time since teenage years. so many times in my life i had started the relationship for the wrong reasons or under the influence of alcohol, acting out on spontaneous urges or the thrill of the game. however, even this shouldn't be made trivial, because there have been great people in my life that i am thankful for. i can only ask God that when the time is right, for the right reasons, there will be someone for me.

the last months have been also great because i read again. a lot. and write. and play viola. and work out. and eat healthily. and listen to music. i don't really feel lonely, there is always something going on or something to do. even when there isn't, it is a great change and opportunity rather than a feared event although sometimes it would be nice not having to fall asleep alone.

i feel gratitude, humility and patience.
i feel peace and confidence.
i feel hope.

and today and for all the days to come:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
courage to change the things i can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

from daily thoughts:
"what is healthy giving? there is a fine-lined behavior each of us must seek to understand for ourselves. it is that kind of giving that feels good and does not leave us feeling victimized. it is that kind of giving that holds the giver and the receiver in high esteem. it is giving based on a desire to do it rather than from a sense of guilt, pity, shame, or obligation. it is giving with no strings attached. whether it is giving of our time, efforts, energy, comfort, nurturing, money, or ourselves, it is giving that we can afford. giving is part of the chain of giving and receiving. we can learn to give in healthy ways; we can learn to give in love.
and we need to keep an eye that the motivation of our giving is healthy.

today, God, guide me in my giving. help me give to others in healthy ways. help me give what feels right, what feels good, what feels clean, and what i can afford."

i've always been proud of my honesty, but further exploration has brought me to the knees even in this aspect.

further on quotes from Bill V.

"honesty can be used as a tool of horrific self delusion. for example, the type of honesty that is not rooted in consideration or love. [..] i was so proud of my honesty and fairness that i started feeling more disgust towards people who were ever lying or cheating. my honesty eventually became a cape under which i started to hide many, serious shortcomings that were crippling other spheres of life. convinced that since my honesty is good, all my other traits were equally good. this thought prevented me from taking a good look in the mirror for many years. this example of self delusion is very common, and each of us can often fall into it.
what matters is the motivation of honesty. are we really speaking the truth out of consideration and kindness? or are we throwing facts into the other person's face wanting to be superior? have we tried to hurt someone with honesty out of fear or dislike? did we want to try to help the person genuinely? why did we tell the things we told? this is a good opportunity for us to take a good look at ourselves. and evaluate a right and wrong use of truth and honesty. we can often use a higher aim as an excuse to go to war. it can happen that sometimes we must use unpleasant facts to save or correct a dangerous situation. but if so, we must evaluate our behavior - are we not looking for the mote is somebody's eye? in those cases it is useful to ask oneself - do i really know the facts? is my criticism and honesty necessary in this situation? am i really not acting out of fear or anger? only when we are sure of our motivation, we can act - out of consideration and respect thus being truly honest."

i grew up in a family with a mentally unstable, emotionally abusive parent.
from her steps i could tell if she will yell or if it is ok to leave my room.
the world seemed threatening and it became natural to look out for danger, pay attention to the smallest detail, over analyze, it was a natural survival skill.

living in fear and waiting for the ticking time bomb, keeping my feelings bottled and being unable to express them turned me into a neurotic person. and eventually i became a time bomb myself, since i hadn't learn how to express my emotions in a healthy way, deal with my emotions, a lot had been bottled up and i saw threats where they were none or exaggerated situations.

now i no longer need to survive.
i can protect myself and never let anyone hurt me as well as to avoid potentially dangerous and dramatic situations or not react on them. i can stand up for myself and well being.
i can be who i am, even if it no longer means adapt to someone's demands, liking or wishes. i can take healthy risks with people, knowing they might let me down.
again, this is work for every day for the rest of my life (but it is fun since i get to work with myself, he)