The Mill bought a toaster last winter. At the time it seemed like the bees knees, all shining dials and levers, promising crisp, crunchy slices of breakfast goodness and boasting the capacity to adequately service a thick teacake or hefty muffin.

Sadly, though, it's not worked out. Toast pops out covered in a deep layer of cinder or as slightly dried bread, teacakes and muffins cause issues with the mechanics and an attempt to warm a Pop Tart left the kitchen unhabitable for a fortnight. Essentially, the Mill felt we had not got what we paid for. Yet when we took it back to the man with the big coat and the squint in the snug at the Dog and Ferret he only offered half our money back. Surely if a purchase fails to provide the advertised service and you've kept your receipt (even if it is scrawled in dartboard chalk on the back of a beer mat) then you're entitled to a full refund?

In other, unrelated, news Newcastle are refusing to hand Liverpool their £35m back for Andy Carroll, despite the Reds attempting to jam the striking wardrobe through the doors of St James's Park. So desperate are Liverpool to unload their unwanted goods that they've told Newcastle to call it £20m. Newcastle, pointing out that the box is torn and the paintwork chipped, want to pay only £10m.

If Kenny Dalglish can create a Carroll-sized space in his squad, then he'll look to fill it with a loan deal for Internazionale's 19-year-old Dutch striker Luc Castaignos. He may need some pillows to fill out the gap. That, or a cheeky bid for Chelsea's Salomon Kalou.

Arsenal are also keen on the sporadically scoring Ivorian, but Arsène Wenger has failed with a loan bid for Lyon's Aly Cissokho. The French club want £8m and not a penny less.

Real Madrid are reportedly considering a reported £30m bid for Liverpool's Luis Suárez, according to reports in Spain reported in the Daily Mail. Reports suggest Real have also reported a reported bid of £38m for Angel di María from Chelsea. José Mourinho has reportedly told the club to hang on to the winger.

Spurs have been told to cough up £22m cash for Marseille's Loïc Rémy. The French club have turned down Spurs' initial bid of £7m plus Roman Pavlyuchenko. Tottenham also want to loan Iago Falque to Southampton, even though he is already on loan from Juventus at White Hart Lane, while Newcastle have told the north London club that Tim Krul will NEVER leave St James's Park. Unless someone offers £15m.

In tug-of-war news Wigan and Norwich are tussling over the Al Ahly striker Mohamed Nagy, Newcastle, Blackburn and Bolton have stripped to the waist and begun grappling over Wolves' Christophe Berra, and Fulham have crept up behind Leicester, whacked in a dead leg and attempted to scarper with Doncaster's Billy Sharp.

Fulham are also keen on Fleetwood striker Jamie Vardy, though they will have to fight off interest from West Ham and Blackpool. The Hammers are particularly striker-hungry – they're hovering around Japan striker Ryoichi Maeda, a two-time J-League Golden Boot winner with Jubilo Iwata, and have had a £3m bid for Huddersfield's Jordan Rhodes rejected. Also keen to snap up a hot shot are West Brom, who want Wolfsburg's Patrick Helmes, available for £5m.

And strap a hard hat on for this final paragraph – things are collapsing. Stoke's move for VVV Venlo's £1.5m Nigerian striker Michael Uchebo is in danger of collapsing over work permit issues and Manchester United's contract talks with young Ravel Morrison have also broken down.