Horoscopes: 29 Jan 2018

Capricorn: Sometimes you’re late. This is a typical of Capricorns, so it’s not really your fault. Blame your parents for getting in on in March. Or blame your watch for running slow. Or blame your boss for setting goddamn deadlines. Just don’t blame yourself.

Aquarius: Sometimes you get worn out and tired. We all feel this way, and your sign is particularly susceptible to this. Now that it’s summer, take a break, have a rest, and stop pretending you’re better than the rest of Hamilton – you too can go to the supermarket in your pyjamas.

Pisces: You’re known for being a bit forgetful, and very lazy. Saturn’s pull is weaker this week, so make the most of your energy – do some chores. Plus, if you don’t change your own sheets, your mum’s going to do it, and then she’ll find your American Challenge dildo.

Aries: Jupiter is orbiting close this month, which brings your future into focus. I see here that RnV is on your horizon, and so is some cutting, bulking, shredding, mulching, blending, along with various other vague verbs.

Taurus: There’s a strange tension in the atmosphere this month, which can either be attributed to a potential approaching El Niño weather system, or the fact that your flatmate saw you take a bite right from her block of cheese.

Gemini: Humanity has sent probes, rockets, and rovers into space, thanks to great feats of engineering. You as an individual need to give back to humanity and check your oil so that you don’t break down on the Hamilton expressway!

Cancer: Your astrological sign is named Cancer, and it’s represented by a crab. You really got the worst of the worst here. But don’t feel down, make your own destiny! After all, Pandas don't believe in astrology, and they’re not extinct (yet)!

Leo: You Leos are known for being curious and inquisitive (as well as strong willed to a fault!), and this month those traits will be brought to the surface. Use them wisely, and ponder this – does Earth’s moon have a moon?

Libra: Venus, Goddess of Love, shines bright in the Eastern skies this month; almost as bright as the glint in your eyes when you talk about your summer fling. Just like Venus, however, getting too close can be harmful – It’s too early to say “I love you.

Scorpio: Have you been feeling a bit red lately? Feel like everything going on around you has been trumped up to extraordinary levels? That’s because you share a star sign with our very own Prime Minister. So you know, you’re basically famous too.

Sagittarius: Your astrological sign is the centaur – strong, powerful, with a top half unable to digest the hay its lower half so badly craves. You too share these traits. Don’t worry, it’s natural. After all, you are half centaur.

Virgo: You can’t expect the joys of growth without the trials of risk. Become someone who says ‘yes’ more often. However, this may result in mild substance abuse and intense feelings of regret, though anything is more exciting than your current way of life.