NBA dance teams are not what I go to the arena for. Oh, I'm sure those limber young people are extremely nice, and many of them have incredible teeth. But, you know if they had a basketball exhibition at a tittie bar it would seem out of place, right? Same deal here. It's just not what I'm at the stadium for. To me, it's kind of a non-event. I thought I might be the only heterosexual male who felt that way, but it turns out I was totally wrong. The Clippers have made a clear demonstration that they also feel the dance team is a non-event.

REASON NUMBER TWO

Elton Brand is might be the perfect human. Not only is he a freaking incredible basketball player ( an anonymous NBA scout told Sports Illustrated he would advise the Clippers not to trade Brand for Kobe Bryant) he has both sides of his personality working like a McDLT. He's hot with the parental set ( J.E. Skeets tells me "Elton Brand looks like the type of man who would be comfortable holding babies") but still has a little something cool for the gangstas. Ron Artest on SportsBloggersLive :

Elton Brand, people be surprised, but he's an excellent rapper... people don't know me and Elton grew up together, and I remember he was young and everything, he's from the ghetto and everything, he hu... [NOTE: I swear Ron started to say "he hustled" but then thought better of it. Listen and tell me I'm wrong.] I remember one time he was playing basketball and he didn't have no shoes. He had two big holes, one on the side and one on the top on both sneakers. Elton't not a stranger to poverty and stuff, you know. When he raps, he's just trying to bring out old stories he has, and people his project is actually really really good. I've heard his project and the video. People really need to be interested in that and request to hear music from Elton because he's doing it as a hobby and I think he should put it out.

How the hell does such a human come about? It's like he's from outer space. And, I'm pretty sure he is... Elton Brand is from Peekskill, New York, right? That's a pretty small town. Well, it just so happens that in 1992 some crazy freaking meteor landed in Peekskill.

The events surrounding the fall of the Peekskill meteorite on October 9th, 1992 are quite remarkable. Not only did the meteorite announce its arrival by hitting a parked car in suburban Peekskill, New York, but also the fireball that proceeded the fall of the meteorite was videographed by at least 16 independent videographers.

Eyewitness accounts indicate that the fireball associated with the Peekskill meteorite first appeared over West Virginia at 23:48 UT (+/- 1 min.). The fireball, which traveled in an approximately northeasterly direction had a pronounced greenish colour, and attained an estimated peak visual magnitude of - 13 (comparable to the Full Moon). During a luminous flight time that exceeded 40 seconds the fireball covered a ground path of some 700 to 800 km (Brown et al, 1994).

That's all very interesting for a number of reasons. First of all, Elton Brand has a pronounced greenish color, and if I were just eyeballing his peak visual magnitude, well, shoot, it's have to be comparable to a full moon, right? Luminous flight time? Check. But it gets much more interesting (with my emphasis):

The meteorite recovered at Peekskill, N.Y., (41.28 deg. N, 81.92 deg. W) had a mass of 12.4 kg and was subsequently identified as an H6 monomict breccia meteorite (Wlotzka, 1994). The video record suggests that the Peekskill meteorite probably had several companions, however, given the fireball's shallow angle of trajectory the fall ellipse is large. This fact coupled with the harsh terrain surrounds the Peekskill area would suggest that the recovery of related fragments is unlikely.

What the scientists won't tell you--because they never tell you this--is how many of those "companions" might have been 6-8 power forwards. (And is the terrain really all that harsh? It's friggin' Westchester County. That's where the Clintons live and the Knicks practice. The land is thick with security fences and alarm systems, I guess. That would complicate any search.)

I just want to know this: did any of you see Elton Brand before October 9th, 1992. No? I didn't think so. Me neither. Oh, and one last thing: umm, traveling with an H6 monomict breccia meteorite is a perfect way to tear some big-ass holes in the tops and sides of your sneakers.

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Comments

wow the Clips got two aliens, Brand and Cassel. Now if cassel would feed brand the ball down low this season they could create outer space synergy and win the championship. THe clippers are my fave team after my wizards. I got them winning it all.And im sick of that espn analyst Thorpe saying Livingston is a bust.

Being an accountant for an international hedge fund, It's important that we have an independent entity check our internal numbers. I've decided to take on this task in regards to your wager with Mr. Abbot.

"Actually, the loser will have to pen a 500-word essay extolling the virtues of the other's team."

Sorry Henry, but I don't see much "extolling" happening here. But this is of course open to interpretation. I'll leave this up to the fans.

Numbers do not lie:

500 words huh? By my count 414 words are quotes & references while 453 seem to be original prose.

Which leaves us with a 47 word deficit. Henry, perhaps a follow-up sonnet?

I gave you actual video footage extra terrestrial big men entering the earth's delicate atmosphere in the evening sky over an otherwise placid high school football game in Pennsylvania. I called the Clips' biggest star "the perfect human." You international hedge fund accountants are insatiable! 47 words.

Hedgefund accountant, huh? I can massage those numbers into an 867-word count, maybe even more considering the words spoken on the video, but I'm no true gentleman.
Seriously: Creativity factor trumps word count, but Brand ain't THAT great. Another small thing (I don't know my NYC geography that well, but): If Ron-Ron is from Queensbridge, how did he and a Peeskill native "grow-up together"?

No problem. I think what happened in preseason was not coaching, but Zach on autopilot. He spent all of last season shooting outside shots in part due to pain from his knee surgery (microfracture), and nothing was working for the Blazers so they let him get away with it.

04/11/08 18:52:31

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