CUB Weekly Horoscopes – 8/7/17

Capricorn: Summer is here. Hide all the ice lollies and tell everyone there are none left.

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Aquarius: This week, you will have to make a big choice. Subway or MacD’s? The outcome will determine the rest of your life.

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Pisces: Listen to the sounds of nature, Pisces. They’re telling you to stop ignoring them and respond to their texts. The stars hope you feel guilty.

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Aries: Get your act together, Aries. You know what I mean.

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Taurus: How do you feel about cucumbers? How do you feel after learning that they used to be called cowcumbers? No? Okay, the stars say you should probably get a better attitude.

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Gemini: Do something spontaneous this week Gemini. Go to a gallery or walk somewhere you’ve never gone before. Look for something good to come to you.

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Cancer: The stars don’t really have much to say here, but I personally recommend you go watch Edgar Wright’s ‘Baby Driver’ because it’s a great movie.

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Leo: Pet every cat you see this week. I don’t care if you’re allergic, bad things will happen if you do not pet those cats.

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Virgo: It’s not a bad week to draw up your zombie apocalypse survival guide. At least that will help you deal with your drunk friends and flatmates next year.

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Libra: A surprise is coming your way! It’s alright, now that we have warned you, you can be on high alert this week and never too far from your friend who knows martial arts.

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Scorpio: Take opportunities as they come your way Scorpio. Yes, you want to go to that bar. Yes, you can down fifteen shots tonight. Yes, you can get out of bed in the morning and cope with your bad decisions.

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Sagittarius: Go out of your way for someone else this week. Sure it’s a nice thing to do, but when you need a political rival eliminated, you now have someone to call…