QotW: Which JNC should be a Transformer and what should its name be?

Happy 2015! We asked for a Question of the Week in last Monday’s Question of the Week, and you delivered. So to kick off a new year of QotWs, here’s (one of) the winning questions.

Which JNC should be a Transformer and what should its name be?

Well, let’s imagine we are talking about pre-Michael Bay Transformers, which was a cartoon, a toy line, and not shitty. It also debuted squarely in the mid-1980s. That makes many of the original characters JNCs. We have robots that disguise themselves as Datsun 280ZXes, Honda Citys, Toyota Hiluxes and Nissan Vanettes, so let’s just eliminate all of the existing ones from the running and come up with completely new characters. What will be their personalities, strengths, weaknesses, and favorite quotes?

What say you, dear reader? As always, the most entertaining comment by next Monday will receive a prize. Scroll down to see the winner of last week’s QotW, “What question should we ask next year?”

Though we liked many of your answers, especially Vic, Adam and pstar, and we may use yours later in the year, the winner this week was John M (not pictured), who inserted the question you see above in a Where’s Waldo? of hilarious riddles:

and that reminds me, a little late but oh well: my submission for best QotW is:

“which JNC is best for getting busy in the back seat?”

for this week’s answer, i will submit separate options based on the Michael Bay and non-Michael Bay Transformers universes.

in Michael Bay’s world, you need to appeal to the lowest common denominator. the vegetable on life support receiving his nutrient slurpee through a feeding tube is the guy the writers have in mind when they’re spitballing to see how a joke or action sequence will go over with the audience. that’s why the 510 was labeouf’s ride in his most recent transformers movie. but should that REALLY be the JNC transformer? we can do better than that. for one, transformers need to hide in plain sight. how are you going to make that work when your windshield is constantly being plastered with offers to buy and blog photographers are stalking your every move?

I nominate the destroyed mx83 Cressidas from the last movie make an appearance as the Michael Bay JNC Transformer of choice. They could be resurrected zombie-style from the junkyard they were parked in, complete with ruined bodies and fluids bleeding and cannibalized parts from other cars as real-life Cressida owners are wont to do. since their drivelines were mostly useless long before they were bought up to act as extras behind Marky Mark, they’d make effective clubs in the hands of our undead JNC warriors. as for their names, i’d suggest they be controlled by some form of collective hivemind ‘bot called “Sludge” in reference to the lovely BHG milkshake you’d likely find in any of their oil pans.

for the purists who recognize http://youtu.be/Cf_qfX9cKsQ as the real Transformers movie: i haven’t forgotten about you. it’s getting harder to see any JNC as being able to blend into the background these days, but if you wanted to be a Robot in Disguise you could choose one of the more understated models – the Datsun 810. its unassuming boxy styling was in-step with the design language of the era and there are tons of Cash for Clunkers survivors still roaming the roads that approximate the proto-Maxima in profile.

as an added bonus, these cars came equipped with a phonograph voice box, meaning that he’d go into battle screaming stuff like “KEY IS IN THE IGNITION!” in a scratchy, feminine voice. what more could you possibly want from an appropriately classic robot? name suggestions for this one and his recolors include, “Scratch,” “Ding,” and the intentionally confusing “Datsun 810 Maxima Autobot by Nissan”.

I like the idea of a neglected looking MX32 Cressida wagon with faux wood paneling, tons of cheesy tourist stickers, and lots of stuff tied to the roof, or maybe one of those roof-pods. When it transforms, the stuff on the roof would be on its back like a backback. It would always be prepared like MacGuyver, with an item or tool to fit any situation, even if it sometimes takes too long to find it and misses all the action.

I think a name like “Pack-Rat” would fit, or if it’s particularly decrepit “Scrap-Heap” (heck a junk yard is probably where it lives and keeps all the stuff that won’t fit in its pack). I imagine its catchprase would be something like “Wait, wait, I’ve got something for this!”, and it would constantly be fiddling with its pack, either taking things out or more likely trying to stuff more things in.

Transformer: It would be a 2-tone brown MX63 Cressida named “Carl”, and it would be their accountant. It would arrive mid battle shouting in a computerized voice at the various autobots, “WHY HAVE YOU NEGLECTED TO FILE YOUR 1987 TAXES? THERE WILL BE SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES FOR THIS OVERSIGHT,” and “I NEED YOUR 10-99 FORMS, BUMBLEBEE. THIS CANNOT WAIT ANY LONGER, THE DEADLINE IS NEXT THURSDAY.” When it gets injured in battle (while it isn’t actually battling anyone, merely trying to go about it’s duties), it will shoot sparks, twitching and going on about line item deductions.

He would be a Dino-bot that transforms into a Skyline – and of course his regular robot self.

He would only speak Japanese but has a smaller dino-bot translator whom is a Raptor and transforms into a NOS bottle and robot-self of course as well. Every time Go-jira finishes a sentence it ends with a nice BOV-esque type noise.

Go-Jira’s character would be 100% into Americana culture and would have “antique” American relics like a pair die hanging from review mirror, occasionally samples “yee-haww” sound bit when excited.
His signature move would be that of a high power turbo spool (with turbo whining noise) that creates a exact wind force targeted to his foes leaving them helpless.
His side kick raptor has a chip on his shoulder because he feels that Go-Jira doesn’t appreciate him enough even though because of him, Go-Jira has won a few races, beat a few foes, and of course translates for him. Side kicks name would be Ox-ide.

He was always picked last for mecha-soccer; the bigger guys mocked him for being small, for being “wussy.” Even his closest chums derided him for being a fair-weather friend. But, y’know, Rotor was OK with that. He was secure in who he was: a small guy who liked being outside, feeling the warmth of the sun and the wind rushing through his cockpit. He wasn’t rugged, he didn’t ford rivers or traverse snowy plains. He had a ragtop and little boot, a 1.6L engine and dreams of a V8.

The other bots were jealous of the girls. Girls dug Rotor. That was OK, too.

The great war came, and he was picked last again. For four million years, Rotor sat on the sidelines, watching the worker bots rise up against their oppressors, watching the iron fist come smashing down. He sat on the sidelines — in dark pubs and bombed out cafes — listening to the weary veterans embroider on their war stories and sing their songs of home, of victory, of loss and of longing. He took it all in, while staying on the fringes.

After the armistice, Rotor published his novel about a bot coming home from the war. It was a modest success, which was all that was expected from a Miata at that time, but it did catch the attention of Camshaft, an RX-7 Omnibot with his own literary bent. Letters were exchanged, and then a meeting was arranged. They became fast friends and writing partners. Rotor wanted to pursue a respectable, mid-list career, but Camshaft had other plans. They were going to write musicals! With BIG, SHOWSTOPPING NUMBERS! It could be about the war, but if they kept it light, if they kept the jokes flowing and the girls dancing, they’d be rich, rich, rich!

Rotor gave in, wrote the book for a musical, called it “War Stories.” Camshaft cleaned it up, called it “This Means War!” and wrote that BIG, SHOWSTOPPING NUMBER around the Battle of Darkmount Pass. The stand-in for Wheeljack did a soft shoe on the backs of fallen Decepticons. It ran for fourteen years.

Rotor bought a small place in the country and lives there to this day. He’s working on his second novel, this one about a bot who accidentally falls into show business. Camshaft says it needs more jokes. He’s probably right. Rotor’s OK with that, too.

his Decepticon nemesis could be TEABAG, the stereotypical machismo archetype S197 Mustang that takes great joy in performing his namesake action over Rotor’s face after defeating him in combat. Which is always.

Rotor likes to console himself by saying things like “well, if it was a more technical battle in closer confines I’d send that guy to the scrapper,” and “he only acts like that because he’s compensating for a hardware deficiency in his binary data probe.” But his fellow Autobots – including Camshaft – know the sad truth.

He also takes solace in the fact that he is popular with the fembots, but doesn’t seem to be able to escape the “companion domain” with any of them. for him the old adage, “nice bots finish last” applies.

all this adds up to an emotion circuit overload that would crush a lesser machine, but Rotor is so full of spunk that he manages to stay positive no matter what. it also doesn’t hurt that he is always backed up by his trusty sidekick RIMJOB, who’s cleverly disguised as a compact spare that *barely* fits in Rotor’s compartment).

he dreams of that V8 swap, totally willing to go under the knife to make that big transformation a reality. in the meantime, he’s easing into the transition using Energon therapy and bolting on some fender flares in anticipation of the bigger wheels wider meat he’ll be able to accommodate. one day…

his true value to the Autobots lies in his impressive versatility, his can-do attitude (he’s willing to take on any opponent, no matter how big), and relatively low maintenance costs vs. larger and more complex units.

Well, this question speaks to me because I might love Transformers more than JNCs (sorry!). As people have already noted there was a FB RX-7, but there was also an A60 hatchback Celica in that same “Omnibots” series, called “Downshift.” There was a 300zx later called “Streetwise.”

I still have a few of my G1 Transformers. I do have the G1 version of the character included in this post “Bluestreak/Silverstreak.”

Anyway, my JNC was purchased in part because it already looks like a Transformer: the Chrysler Conquest/Mitsubishi Starion. The box flares so perfectly reflect the angular package art of the G1 bots that I fell for the car despite its antiquated TBI system with its attendant NLA injectors. When I have the car out and about, I either get told that I have the “Back to the Future” car or something that looks like a Transformer.

So, yeah, a Starion. It could be called “Star Saber” and be an Earth form of a later Japanese-only Transformer of the same name. In the current Transformers comics, Star Saber is a religious zealot, so the Starion version could be constantly trying to convert people to the JNC path…