As a friend and colleague from Planned Parenthood so eloquently put it, Kansas is a “petri dish”—a place where the most extreme anti-abortion laws are conceived and tested. But students are organized and we are fighting back.

When we talk about Kansas, we’re usually bogged down in the quagmire of anti-choice legislation birthed in the American heartland. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why: there are no abortion providers in 97 percent of counties in Kansas, and it was one of the states to pass the largest number of restrictions to abortion care in 2012.

As a friend and colleague from Planned Parenthood so eloquently put it, Kansas is a “petrie dish”—a place where the most extreme anti-abortion laws are conceived and tested. And she’s absolutely right. With one of the most outspoken anti-choice majorities in the state legislature, Kansas is a central battleground in the national fight for reproductive health, rights, and justice.

In fact, Representative Steve Brunk just introduced a bill on Wednesday, seeking to further restrict access to sexual and reproductive health care. This bill—among other things—would require a physician to withhold critical information from his or her patients if they believe that information could potentially result in the termination of a pregnancy. House Bill No. 2253 would expand the Woman’s Right to Know Act, stipulating that all medical providers inform their patients that “abortion includes a risk of breast cancer and premature births in future pregnancies.” Both of these claims have been deemed scientifically inaccurate by the National Cancer Institute, the American Cancer Society, and the World Health Organization. This bill would also create several new taxes including:

A new tax for employers, who purchase optional health insurance abortion coverage riders for their employees.

A new tax on any expense related to expenditures on research and development that ma include abortion.

A new state sales tax on drugs/medications used in the performance or induction of an abortion.

Needless to say, this bill is a whole new level of extreme. And in a state where countless barriers already exist to limit access, it’s easy to unilaterally focus on the negative side of the equation. And on the surface, that’s the only story we see.

This week, over two dozen of our student leaders traveled from across the state to meet—face to face—with their legislators. Frustrated with continued attacks on reproductive health and rights in their state, they wanted to send a collective message to the 2013 legislature: if you continue to support legislation that hurts young people, we’re going to hold you accountable.

On Monday, our students delivered this message—loud and clear—to fifteen different state legislators. And we’re already seeing the impact.

In fact, our students had the entire statehouse buzzing—fascinated and intrigued by this infamous group of young leaders storming the Capitol building. Some of them were champions and supporters of reproductive health and rights. Many of them were not. Several legislators even told us that this was their first time meeting with young constituents to discuss reproductive health issues. Before Monday, they were laboring under the false pretense that their constituents were universally anti-choice.

We set the record straight.

And although we may not have the numbers we need in the state legislature to prevent this bill from passing, we do have their attention. By meeting with legislators on Monday, our students were able to push for specific compromises and minimize the impact of the bill, turn our supporters into more vocal champions, lift up young people’s voices in the political process, and ultimately build the grassroots power we need to transform the political climate in Kansas.

It’s a powerful story. But if you don’t look beyond the surface, all you see is a galvanized anti-choice movement and a state legislature willing to move their agenda. All you see is a hopeless cause. Look beyond the surface though, and you’ll find some of the most passionate and talented young activists in the country, leading a grassroots effort to win reproductive justice in Kansas.

This lobby day is a shining example of Choice USA’s strategy to move a youth-led and youth-focused reproductive justice agenda: making strategic investments in young leaders on the ground, so that they can build the grassroots power necessary to protect and expand access to sexual and reproductive health in their own communities.

After meeting with her elected officials for the first time, Mia, a 17-year-old activist from Kansas, asked, “I’ve never felt so empowered before. Can we do this everyday?”

We do it because we know that the emerging generation of pro-choice leaders is the most valuable—and untapped—resource we have in combating the rampant assault on sexual and reproductive freedom. We know that young people are the only ones with the power and growing political momentum to shift the status quo in a meaningful and sustainable way.

There is more at stake for young people in 2013 than ever before, and the moral imperative in front of us is clear. We must invest in the emerging generation of progressive leaders now, or risk losing everything.

So if Kansas is at the center of the battle for reproductive freedom, then young people are our frontline troops and we have an ethical obligation to invest in them.

]]>http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2013/02/06/students-mobilize-as-new-anti-abortion-bill-surfaces-in-kansas-legislature-0/feed/3Young People Are at the Center of Efforts to End the Spread of HIVhttp://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/11/26/%E2%80%9Cyoung-people-are-fulcrum%E2%80%9D/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=%25E2%2580%259Cyoung-people-are-fulcrum%25E2%2580%259D
http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/11/26/%E2%80%9Cyoung-people-are-fulcrum%E2%80%9D/#commentsMon, 26 Nov 2012 08:01:02 +0000UNAIDS released a report in advance of World AIDS Day with hopeful news about the epidemic: there has been nearly a 50 percent reduction in new infections across 25 low and middle income countries. As UNAIDS Executive Director Michel Sidibe put it, “We are moving from despair to hope.” Young people are at the center of that success.

]]>UNAIDS released a report in advance of World AIDS Day with hopeful news about the epidemic: there has been nearly a 50 percent reduction in new infections across 25 low- and middle-income countries. In Africa, AIDS-related deaths have been cut by one-third. And around the world, in the last two years 60 percent more people have been able to access HIV treatment. As UNAIDS Executive Director Michel Sidibe put it, “We are moving from despair to hope.”

Young people are a key part of this progress.

UNAIDS stated:

The actions of young people are shaping the future of AIDS across the world…. Young people are a fulcrum. They remain at the centre of the epidemic and they have the power, through their leadership, to definitively change the course of the AIDS epidemic.

More young people are preventing HIV: globally, worldwide prevalence among young people ages 15 to 24 fell by 27 percent between 2001 and 2011.

The largest progress was seen in South and South-East Asia where HIV prevalence among young men and women fell by 50%. Sub-Saharan Africa and the Caribbean followed with a drop of more than 35% among young men and women.

Last year, UNAIDS also found that in 16 of the 21 worst affected countries, HIV prevalence declined by more than 25 percent, with the decline largely driven by behavior changes among young people.

Along with taking steps to protect themselves and their partners, young people are also leaders in HIV activism, as we saw at the XIX International AIDS conference in July, where youth leaders gathered and collaborated on the YouthForce Declaration and were prominent on panels and activism efforts throughout the conference.

But young people can’t do it alone. Defeating AIDS requires a global commitment of resources and political will. It requires pragmatic approaches, including comprehensive information about HIV prevention for all young people. It requires that attention be paid to marginalized groups, including injection drug users, men who have sex with men, and commercial sex workers, some of the most vulnerable to HIV and AIDS, and, often due to laws and stigma, among the most difficult to reach with prevention and treatment programs.

And fighting the HIV epidemic takes money and investment in young people; nations must make a commitment to robust domestic and global funding for HIV and AIDS prevention and treatment and support youth leadership and engagement in the HIV/AIDS response.

Young people have proven that they can and will lead the prevention revolution. World leaders must follow their lead and support their efforts to achieve the goal of an AIDS-free generation.

]]>http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/11/26/%E2%80%9Cyoung-people-are-fulcrum%E2%80%9D/feed/0When It Comes to Civic Engagement, Young People Know Better Than to Hit It and Quit It on Election Day!http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/11/01/when-it-comes-to-civic-engagement-young-people-know-better-than-to-hit-it-and-qui/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=when-it-comes-to-civic-engagement-young-people-know-better-than-to-hit-it-and-qui
http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/11/01/when-it-comes-to-civic-engagement-young-people-know-better-than-to-hit-it-and-qui/#commentsThu, 01 Nov 2012 20:27:02 +0000

After months of political ads, voter registration drives, presidential debates, and the circus that is an election cycle, we’re finally approaching the big day. And although this is a new year and a new election, some things never seem to change. Erroneous claims of voter apathy. Widespread fear that young people won’t show up to the polls. The ‘knight in shining armor’ complex masqueraded as a legitimate way to engage Millennials. But don’t sweat it.

After months of political ads, voter registration drives, presidential debates, and the circus that is an election cycle, we’re finally approaching the big day. And although this is a new year and a new election, some things never seem to change. Erroneous claims of voter apathy. Widespread fear that young people won’t show up to the polls. The ‘knight in shining armor’ complex masqueraded as a legitimate way to engage Millennials. But don’t sweat it. Because while everyone else continues to treat us as a politically expedient resource to be tapped into, dried up, and dumped when our usefulness is gone, young people will be doing the real work.

We’ll be doing the work that matters.

While everyone else is analyzing polls and auctioning tired theories about our propensity to vote, we’ll be talking about the issues that are relevant to our lived experiences and ultimately the well-being of our generation. While political pundits and campaign talking heads continue to avoid the issues that matter most to Millennials, we’ll be centralizing them and leveraging a message that actually inspires young people to get out and vote.

Most importantly, we’ll be engaging our peers because we have a vested interest in building the collective power of our generation. No ulterior motives. No strings attached. And in a parasitic political culture that values young people solely for their short-term utility in swinging elections, intentions matter, and it’s imperative that we lead the charge in mobilizing our generation. The key to unlocking the youth vote will not be found in hollow rhetoric, after-thoughts, or short-term investments. And it certainly won’t be found in pejorative tropes about young people.

In fact, they make matters worse. When we buy into the notion that Millennials are apathetic, self-absorbed, and disengaged, we’re doing the status quo a favor. We’re alienating young people. And despite the political expedience that comes with blaming youth voter turn-out for every problem ever, power structures actually rely on this false narrative to make us feel powerless and ultimately drive young people away from the political process altogether.

The false narrative of youth apathy is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The key to unlocking the youth vote is prioritizing our issues, centralizing our voices, and strategically investing in our generation before, during, and after the election.

Make no doubt about it. Young people are watching, and we’ll be voting in this election.

You see, we’re voting in this election because we care about the future of our country and we’re eager to play a role in shaping that future. Some of us are voting for the environment and education. Some of us are voting for reproductive rights and marriage equality. The issues that carry us to the polls may vary, but it is our steadfast commitment to change—to progress—that inspires us to show up and vote. And we do it —time and time again—even in the face of overwhelming obstacles. Even when the odds are stacked up against us, we fight back. Sound apathetic to you?

Not a chance.

At the University of Pittsburgh, students are collaborating in a non-partisan vote coalition to turn out thousands of voters on their campus. At the University of Texas El Paso, a group of six students were able to register 800 young people to vote in just one day. On National Voter Registration Day, young people registered over 277,000 new voters across the country. And while everyone else continues to sing the tune of voter apathy, youth-led and youth-focused organizations like Choice USA, Young People For, and the Generational Alliance are investing in young leaders. And what’s especially unique about this work is that it’s focused on planting the seeds for sustainable, long-term change.

When it comes to civic engagement, Millennials know better than to hit it and quit it.

This election isn’t just about two presidential candidates. It isn’t just about who controls the Senate, and it certainly isn’t about party line victories. This election, like so many others, is about having the right to control our own bodies and subsequently determine the outcome of our lives. This election is about our future. And our future – our collective destiny – starts with the ability to make healthy and informed decisions about our own bodies. Yes, that means access to birth control and medically accurate and evidenced-based sex education. It means affordable and accessible education. It means justice for undocumented immigrants and LGBT youth.

But it also means structural and paradigmatic change. This election, and the political moment that transcends it, is about forging the connection between our personal lives—our sexual lives—and systems of oppression. It’s about exposing the power structures that seek to benefit from our alienation, and building the collective power we need to uproot them.

And you know what? We’re going to win.

We are the most diverse and progressive thinking generation in history. We’re also the most powerful electoral force in the country and we have the talent, passion, and sense of justice that is so desperately needed to do the work our predecessors couldn’t. We’re resilient, and our methodologies for change are as dynamic, complex, and multifaceted as the diverse communities that make up our generation.

You see, for Millennials, voting is only one aspect of political engagement. Albeit an incredibly important aspect, it isn’t the defining symbol of our generation’s activism. And if voting has become the litmus test for political engagement, I fear that we’ve lost sight of what’s truly important about democracy. For young people, the morning after is what really counts. We’re tired of the cyclical abandonment of our generation after every election and we’re done playing a political game that serves everyone’s interests except our own.

That’s why we aren’t just voting in this election.

We aren’t just turning out voters for the sake of voting. We’re mobilizing young people to vote with a collective purpose and vision. In the end—whatever the outcome—we’re building sustainable progressive change and we’re making sure that our brand of political engagement doesn’t come with an expiration date.

]]>http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/11/01/when-it-comes-to-civic-engagement-young-people-know-better-than-to-hit-it-and-qui/feed/2Putting the Sex Back in Birth Control: Why the Dominant Narrative on Contraception Undermines Young Peoplehttp://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/08/14/putting-sex-back-in-birth-control-why-dominant-narrative-on-contraception-undermi/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=putting-sex-back-in-birth-control-why-dominant-narrative-on-contraception-undermi
http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/08/14/putting-sex-back-in-birth-control-why-dominant-narrative-on-contraception-undermi/#commentsTue, 14 Aug 2012 20:35:42 +0000The progressive community is deathly afraid of talking about sex and young people. We have to stop running away from sex like it’s our movement’s dirty little secret, because despite the supposed mainstream appeal and political expedience that comes with a watered down sexless narrative about birth control, it also comes with a swift price.

]]>While I applaud Elizabeth Banks for her new ad supporting Planned Parenthood, birth control, and President Barack Obama–and wholeheartedly empathize with her personal story–I’m reminded of a sobering fact: the progressive community is deathly afraid of talking about sex and young people.

That’s right. I said it.

Between Banks new web promo aimed at female voters, Sandra Fluke’s testimony before Congress last February, and the reactive messaging around Rush Limbaugh’s vile comments, one thing has remained clear: our movement is far more comfortable elevating stories about birth control when they don’t involve sex. Pure unadulterated sex. Sex without the fear of an unintended pregnancy. You know… the primary reason young Americans use birth control.

And for arguments sake, maybe there’s a good reason for this. Maybe–just maaaayyyybe–we’re trying to appeal to conservatives. Perhaps we’re making our funders happy. Or maybe we’re just trying to sell a message that is palatable; easy to consume.

Nope. Bullshit. Not buying it.

As sweet and good intentioned as these justifications sound, what we’re ultimately doing is playing the game that our opponents want us to play and operating under a set of rules that threaten the long-term success of our movement. By running away from a serious discussion about sex in the birth control debate, we’re appealing to a deep-rooted paranoia and fear in this country. Fear of young people having sex. Fear of young people exercising agency over their own bodies. Instead of using this political moment to challenge that stigma and re-frame the debate with a sex-positive message, I’m afraid we’ve taken the easy way out. We’ve chosen to prioritize a sensationalized and fear-based discourse that completely undermines our ability to alleviate the root causes of sexual and reproductive oppression.

We’ve chosen a strategy that undermines young people.

Let’s make something very clear. Birth control isn’t under attack because the powers that be are frightened by the prospect of Elizabeth Banks using birth control for her migraines and heavy flow. Contraception isn’t under attack because of the heartfelt story Sandra Fluke shared about her friend six months ago. In fact, Rush Limbaugh didn’t have anything to say about that story. He did, on the other hand, have plenty to say about Sandra Fluke’s sexuality.

Don’t get me wrong. Elizabeth Banks story has value. Sandra Fluke’s story about her friend is important. Both of these experiences highlight a grave and horrific consequence of limiting access to affordable reproductive health care. But as important and valuable as these stories are, they fall short in exposing our opposition’s true intentions. They fail to radically transform the embedded cultural ideologies that are responsible for these wide spread and relentless attacks on birth control to begin with.

Make no mistake about it: birth control is under attack because it empowers young people with the agency to make healthy choices about sex and sexuality. It gives us social, political, and economic power. And to the structural systems of oppression that rely on our indefinite alienation and disenfranchisement, birth control is a threat of epic proportion. As evidenced so eloquently by Representative Mike Kelly (R-Pa), access to affordable birth control is comparable to Pearl Harbor and 9/11.

“I know in your mind, you can think of the times America was attacked. One is Dec. 7, that’s Pearl Harbor Day. The other is Sept. 11, and that’s the day the terrorists attacked. I want you to remember Aug. 1, 2012, the attack on our religious freedom. That is a day that will live in infamy, along with those other dates.”

Let me translate. According to Representative Mike Kelly, providing young people with the resources to embrace sex–free of consequence–jeopardizes the very fabric of our country. You see, the truth is that birth control enables us to be agents of our own lives, a concept so terrifying–so threatening to entrenched systems of inequality–that those in power have a vested interest in dislocating us from the resources we need to shape our own futures.

I’ve worked with a lot of diverse young activists over the past six months and I can say with relative certainty that the vast majority of them want a national conversation about birth control that embraces sex and sexuality. Young people know what’s really at stake in this debate because we understand the consequences of a sex-negative culture. We’re experiencing it first-hand. Abstinence-only programs. Parental notification and consent laws. Age restrictions on emergency contraception. Conscience clauses.

That’s why we have to stop running away from sex like it’s our movement’s dirty little secret. Because despite the supposed mainstream appeal and political expedience that comes with a watered down sexless narrative about birth control, it also comes with a swift price.

We’ve already seen the consequences of this rhetoric. In fact, just a few short weeks after Sandra Fluke’s testimony, and the subsequent Rush Limbaugh debacle, Arizona legislators began to push a bill that went far beyond simply rolling back the birth control mandate. Instead of wholesale denying coverage, the bill attempted to authorize employers with the right to determine whether a person’s justification for using birth control was viable or not. In other words, birth control coverage is a legitimate form of health care, unless used for the purpose of preventing an unintended pregnancy.

It’s an old story, but I don’t want us to lose the irony here. The very logic behind this nauseating bill in Arizona was born from a sex-phobic, paternalistic narrative that our movement unintentionally helped market to the American people. We avoided a necessary conversation about sex in favor of a story about the “ideal victim,” and consequently, laid the foundation for innovative attacks on birth control access. Attacks focused on the very thing we were running away from to begin with.

If we keep running away from this simple truth–the truth that young people (married people, unmarried people, lots of people) have sex and should have the right to do so–we’re going to miss out on a powerful opportunity to engage and mobilize the Millennial generation. We’re going to lose out on this unique chance to hijack the narrative on sex and sexuality, and truly uproot the systems that benefit from this pervasive moral panic.

The good news is that young people are fighting back. We’re telling our own stories about sex, relationships, and birth control. We’re calling out the media for slut-shaming and victim-blaming. We’re fighting for body-positive images and representations. We’re asking our legislators to support comprehensive sex education, and then creating our own peer-education programs when they leave us out to dry. We’re relentless change-makers and we’re unwavering in our commitment to building a better future. But no matter how much we do – how hard we fight – our impact will always be limited if the movement we’re trying to fight for refuses to advance a narrative that accurately depicts our interests and values.

If we don’t get our act together and start prioritizing a political conversation about birth control–centered on sex and young people–I’m afraid this ship is going to sink.

]]>http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/08/14/putting-sex-back-in-birth-control-why-dominant-narrative-on-contraception-undermi/feed/3Young and Restless at the United Nations, Youth Fight For Their Rightshttp://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/05/01/young-and-restless-at-united-nations-fighting-their-rights/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=young-and-restless-at-united-nations-fighting-their-rights
http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/05/01/young-and-restless-at-united-nations-fighting-their-rights/#commentsTue, 01 May 2012 15:18:19 +0000

It was a youth takeover at the United Nations last week, for the 45th annual Commission on Population and Development, a global meeting to examine whether and how we are protecting the sexual rights and health of our youngest generation.

To see all our coverage of the 2012 Commission on Population and Development, click here.

Is a 17-year-old an adult or a child? Is a 16-year-old mature enough to have sex? Is a 22-year-old ready to be a parent? It all depends. The answers to these questions, and peoples’ opinions on them, vary dramatically throughout the world. Likewise, the lived reality of each young person leads to different answers – maybe even on different days – depending on a tangle of social, religious, biological, and other factors.

“Part of why we’re here is to remind [government officials] what it was like when they were young and how it feels – what it’s like to talk to your parents about sex, and what you really need. We cannot expect people to be guessing what we need,” said Oriana Lopez Uribe, a young sexual health and rights advocate from Mexico and delegate for the Youth Coalition for Sexual and Reproductive Health.

Uribe joined hundreds of other young people last week at the United Nations (UN), for the 45th annual Commission on Population and Development (CPD). The annual meeting reviews country governments’ progress on former commitments to the sexual and reproductive health and rights of their citizens, while trying to squeeze out new ones in the slow march toward a world in which individuals’ rights are respected, protected, and supported. This was the first time ever that the meeting focused exclusively on the needs of adolescents and young people, who are disproportionately vulnerable around the world.

Imagine the UN, normally awash in a sea of white (mostly male) hair, formal suits, and reading glasses, now overrun with texting, Tweeting youth, bright-eyed and amazingly well-spoken. They came with delegations from all over the world to tell the adults in charge what too many usually try to simply divine on their own: What do young people want and need in order to be healthy, empowered, and responsible?

These discussions and more (which are not new, but are reinvigorated with every young generation that comes of age) formed the framework for last week’s negotiations. The summation was a resolution, hammered out through long sessions into late nights, and agreed upon by all governments present. Key points of the final resolution include:

The right of young people to decide on all matters related to their sexuality

Access to sexual and reproductive health services, including safe abortion where legal, that respect confidentiality and do not discriminate

The right of youth to comprehensive sexuality education

Protection and promotion of young people’s right to control their sexuality free from violence, discrimination and coercion

The resolution is not binding, but an important stake in the ground telling the world that young people matter. “Young people are rights-holders and they need to be recognized as such. It is high time that we equip them with the information, education and services they need to make informed decisions about their sexual lives, health and well-being,” said Zoe Stewart, a medical student from the UK and youth delegate for the International Planned Parenthood Federation (IPPF), as she read out IPPF’s statement to delegates.

The two major bones of contention last week centered on the moral imperialism of adults, including parental consent laws and comprehensive sexuality education. Those who advocate against parental notification laws are not advocating against parental involvement or guidance, but more against the codification of an exact age at which a young person is or is not capable to make decisions, without any consideration of the many other factors potentially involved (e.g. domestic violence, financial dependency, cultural or religious taboos). The opposition, there en force, would like to define anyone under the age of 18 as a “child,” and for all intents and purposes strip away any legal rights or acknowledgement of agency of that person.

Likewise, comprehensive sexuality education (CSE) also continues to be a bugaboo. Despite having an armory of data behind it to show that it doesn’t increase risky behavior, but rather leads to healthier outcomes, CSE remains controversial, in part because of adults’ concerns over ‘what is appropriate,’ and fears that discussion of sex will motivate sex. The reality, in any event, is that young people receive information and influences from every part of society and many will have sex whether we like it or not. Don’t we want them to be safe and powerful?

“At some point society stopped talking about sexuality and stopped recognizing that we are human, sexual beings,” said Uribe. “We young people need to be protected, but also need it recognized that we have rights, that our bodies are our own, and that we deserve to have full scientific information about how to control our fertility and stay safe. We need to be conscious and be able to choose for ourselves.”

By and large, we set young people up to fail. We don’t inform them of things that would keep them safer, we don’t allow them access to services, and we contribute to the stigma they feel if they do seek services. Then we blame them for the consequences, whether it’s hookup culture, STIs, or teen pregnancy. If adults really want to take responsibility, we should take responsibility for the vulnerable situation in which so many young people find themselves right now and think seriously about how to change that.

Yet it is not simply new policies or re-commitments to the same old thing that young advocates are looking for. Rather, they want a re-imagining of the world around them, which recognizes and champions their sexual and human rights, including rights to comprehensive education, and services like contraception and safe abortion, among others. “Most of the donor countries are investing in [adolescent sexual and reproductive health programs], but want to see outcomes and have something they can touch. But you cannot touch freedom. We don’t have a ‘rights-o-meter,’” said Uribe.

This should resonate with adult female reproductive rights advocates (or really adult women in general), because we have a lot in common with youth. We want the freedom that everyone around is always trying to assign to someone else. If we’re 16, it’s not us, but our parents who know best. But if we’re 34, it’s still not us, but husband or some old Congressman who “knows best.”

“The only way I see,” says Uribe Lopez, “is to empower young people – assure them they have the right to enjoy their sexuality, their bodies, and their autonomy.” The takeaway is clear: we all need to stop saying young people need a voice and should be involved, and just step out of the way to let that actually happen. So can we?

]]>http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/05/01/young-and-restless-at-united-nations-fighting-their-rights/feed/1Young People and Comprehensive Sex Education: Moving Beyond Scare Tactics and Fear Mongering in 2012http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/01/02/young-people-and-comprehensive-sex-education-moving-beyond-scare-tactics-and-fear/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=young-people-and-comprehensive-sex-education-moving-beyond-scare-tactics-and-fear
http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/01/02/young-people-and-comprehensive-sex-education-moving-beyond-scare-tactics-and-fear/#commentsMon, 02 Jan 2012 23:09:37 +0000Growing up in the United States is like playing a foucauldian game of discipline and punish. Disciplined by a morally bankrupt narrative about sex and sexuality and then punished for daring to question it.

I mean that in the most cliché way possible. Without knowledge, agency and self-determination become meaningless fragments of our imagination. Something that we desperately wish for but can’t quite grab onto.

This is especially true when it comes to young people.

Growing up in the United States is like playing a foucauldian game of discipline and punish. Disciplined by a morally bankrupt narrative about sex and sexuality and then punished for daring to question it.

I guess we shouldn’t be all that surprised. When young people are subjugated and disenfranchised, systems of power thrive. When we’re alienated from our bodies and fearful of our sexuality, we lack the resources and agency necessary to become responsible agents of social and political change. Suffice it to say; those in power have a vested interest in dislocating the nation’s youth from real sex education.

For young people, sexuality is undoubtedly the most politicized site of social control. Parents fear it. Politicians debate over it. Scientists study it. Intellectuals theorize over it. Everyone is talking about it; yet, no one is talking to young people.

It doesn’t take a semester of reading Michel Foucault to understand that sexuality is an important site of power. Young people know very intimately the role that sex and sexuality play in our daily lives and we know the detrimental consequences that a sex-phobic culture has on our futures. We’re experiencing it first-hand.

We have experienced the damaging effects of a culture that stigmatizes sexuality and shames young people for exploring our own bodies.

And we’re sick of it.

The pseudo-scientific narrative about youth sexuality is plagued with fear mongering and sensationalism. Between the bogus sexting panic, and the fear-based rhetoric used to justify the recent HHS ruling on emergency contraception, it is very clear that the moral panic over teen sexuality is very much alive and kicking. Even organizations and politicians sensible enough to support comprehensive sex education are still situating the issue within a broader security paradigm. They want us to educate young people about the ramifications of sex because they don’t want us engaging in sexual relationships to begin with.

They’ve been duped by the myth of the teen pregnancy epidemic.

Don’t get me wrong. Unintended pregnancy rates in the United States are high. Sexually transmitted infections are rampant. But this isn’t only affecting young people and it certainly isn’t because we’re irresponsible and incapable of making good choices. It’s because no one believes in our ability to be good decision-makers. Whether they’re shoving abstinence-only programs down our throat, or they’re giving us access to sex education rooted in fear tactics, the message is still the same: that sex among young people is a serious threat to the morality and security of the nation.

That’s the interesting thing about sex education. It’s about much more than just the birds and the bees. It’s about power. Power derived from knowledge.

The power to shape our own destiny.

Many of the people advocating for comprehensive sex education at the local, state and federal level treat youth sexuality as a crisis to be averted. They’re so caught up with trying to rally support for the cause with alarming statistics and fear-based rhetoric that they lose site of the real problem. Young people don’t just need to know about the potential ramifications of sex. We need to know what the benefits of a healthy, consensual, and autonomous sex life look like. We need the decision-making power necessary to navigate this difficult terrain and we need to know that after given the facts about sex and sexuality, we’re going to be trusted to make our own choices.

The radical shift from an abstinence-only framework to a comprehensive one loses its transformative potential if our previous generation is still setting the rules. This is why we desperately need a youth-centered and youth-led struggle for comprehensive sex education. Young people have to lead the way in shaping sex education policy. Otherwise, we’re destined to replicate the same morally bankrupt narrative that youth sexuality is an epidemic of global proportions.

We have to change the very way we think about sex and sexuality. Instead of treating it as a social parasite, we should embrace it. We need to teach young folks that when treated with maturity, reciprocity and awareness, sex can be an exciting, fulfilling, and even empowering aspect of our lives. Learning to love our bodies is one of the most radical things we can do in a culture sustained by oppressive power structures. However, as long as we’re taught to feel shameful about our bodies, and denied the right to sex-positive comprehensive sex education, we’re doomed to replicate the very systems of domination that thrive on our ignorance and complacency.

Not a single person, political figure, or institution knows what young people need more than young people themselves. We understand the unique differences in the way our generation feels about sex and sexuality and as a result, we need to be the ones shaping a new discourse. And that’s exactly what we’re doing.

Young people are telling their stories and demanding that Congress replace failed abstinence-only programs with comprehensive sex education. We’re asking our Senators and Representatives to support the Real Education for Healthy Youth Act, an effort that prioritizes young people. Not to mention the first piece of legislation to ever identify comprehensive sex education as a fundamental right.

Thanks to the courage and creativity of young people, we’ve seen the federal government fund comprehensive sex education for the first time in history. We’ve secured no-cost birth control for millions of women through the Affordable Care Act and we played a crucial role in protecting abortion and family planning from the onslaught of radical anti-choice zealots in Congress. We’ve developed innovative ways to educate our peers through services like sexetc.org. Clearly, we have a great deal of legislative and cultural advances to be proud of.

But the momentum can’t stop here.

If we play our cards right, we can make the 2012 election a referendum on sexual health and rights. The power of the youth vote is boundless, and young people are much more likely to register and vote if we know that the issues that matter to our well-being hang in the balance. We have to do the hard work and draw the connections between sex education and other issues relevant to young people, like higher education, health care, and climate change. If we prioritize comprehensive sex education in the 2012 election, we can register and mobilize a record number of young people to put the pressure on and demand accountability from our local, state, and federal representatives. We can make the message clear that if our elected officials aren’t willing to stand up for us – and defend our basic right to honest and accurate information about sex and sexuality – we’re not going to show up for them.

It’s as simple as that.

We need politicians who are more than just apathetic on the issue of sex education. We need pro-active advocates that are unwavering in their commitment to our health and well-being. Proponents that are willing to stand up for young people when push comes to shove and our livelihood is on the chopping block.

It may be difficult to articulate a new vision for change without couching it in the same flawed security logic and fear rhetoric that undermines young people in the first place. But we have no other choice.

We have to draw a line in the sand and make it clear that if our elected officials aren’t willing to stand up for our health, they’ll have to answer to the most powerful electoral force in the country: young people.

]]>http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/01/02/young-people-and-comprehensive-sex-education-moving-beyond-scare-tactics-and-fear/feed/16Young People: The Most Powerful and Untapped Resource in the Battle for Reproductive Justicehttp://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/12/18/young-people-most-powerful-and-untapped-resource-in-battle-reproductive-justice-0/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=young-people-most-powerful-and-untapped-resource-in-battle-reproductive-justice-0
http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/12/18/young-people-most-powerful-and-untapped-resource-in-battle-reproductive-justice-0/#commentsSun, 18 Dec 2011 14:57:29 +0000With the 39th anniversary of Roe v. Wade a little over a month away, and the 2012 election right around the corner, I can’t help but think about the popularly speculated relationship between abortion rights and young people.

]]>With the 39th anniversary of Roe v. Wade a little over a month away, and the 2012 election right around the corner, I can’t help but think about the popularly speculated relationship between abortion rights and young people.

It wasn’t very long ago that the media was busy theorizing the supposed absence of young folks in the battle for reproductive health.It’s a deafening theme that refuses to relinquish its stranglehold over the public consciousness. Scapegoating blame is much easier than taking us seriously.

The message to young pro-choice activists around the country continues to be clear: if we aren’t organizing the way our previous generations were, on their issues, we aren’t organizing at all.

This blatantly false assumption that young people are apathetic and absent from the reproductive rights movement is unfortunately alive and kicking. And I’m not just talking about the infamous 2010 Newsweek article alleging that young women are complacent with the right-wing assault on reproductive freedom. I’m talking about the pervasive narrative written into the very fabric of our movement and the subpar attempt to rewrite that narrative.

The truth is, we may not relate to Roe in the same way that our pro-choice predecessors do, but that doesn’t mean we don’t care about reproductive and sexual health. If the successful endeavor to fund comprehensive sex education and include no-cost birth control in the Affordable Care Act showed us anything, it’s that young people are more than willing to mobilize around the issues they care about.

The overarching fear perpetrated by our previous generation is that we’ve never experienced the loss of agency that occurs in a world without legal abortion services. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

My generation has witnessed the most callus and galvanized anti-abortion movement in history and we’ve seen the legal right to an abortion become meaningless in the face of insurmountable restrictions placed on young people. Teenagers are consistently denied access to truthful information about sex and sexuality. Young women across the country are being stripped of their decision-making power through parental notification and consent laws. Pharmacists are denying young women access to emergency contraception because of their “personal morality.” Crisis Pregnancy Centers are proliferating misleading information in our communities. As I write this article, Catholic Bishops are busy lobbying the President to undermine birth control access for millions of young women.

If we’re going to have a fighting chance at preventing the anti-choice insurgency from stripping away the very few rights we have left to control our own bodies, we’re going to need young people. The movement has a responsibility to prioritize our issues, not simply appease us with a few tokenizing attempts at addressing our concerns. Make no doubt about it: the anti-choice establishment is engaging young people. They’re crafting strategic language and mobilizing young people to speak in a deafening tone on college campuses around the country, while simultaneously pushing a political agenda that undermines the very health and well being of our youth.

If we don’t prioritize young people, this ship is going to sink.

The Health and Human Services Department just overruled a decision by the FDA to allow teenage girls to purchase Plan B without a prescription. We shouldn’t act surprised. Until the movement begins to centralize young people and include them in the decision-making process, those in power will continue to sell us out. Why? Because they know they can.

There is no doubt in my mind that the reproductive rights movement can mobilize young people in record numbers. Choice USA, a leading youth-led and youth-focused reproductive justice organization, for example, is mobilizing a diverse, upcoming generation of pro-choice leaders and helping young people win on issues that matter to them in every region around the country. Youth organizations like Choice USA are changing the political landscape and empowering young people with the agency to shape reproductive rights legislation in this country.

But they can’t do it alone.

If we want to win, we have to abandon the single-issue narrative that continues to alienate young people, and instead, build a framework for our movement that is intersectional and inclusive. We have to continue talking about the war on abortion rights, but we can’t treat it as if it’s an isolated issue anymore. We have to build messages and campaigns that emphasize the connection between reproductive rights and other social justice movements like immigration and environmental justice. We need to abandon sex education that is heteronormative and treats teenage sexuality as a crisis to be controlled. Then we need to replace it with a truly comprehensive agenda that is sex-positive and empowers young people.

We need to ensure that Emergency Contraception is available over-the-counter so that all people have access, regardless of their age. We need pro-choice organizations to stop throwing events with ticket prices that young people can’t afford to pay. We need to prioritize an electoral campaign in 2012 that engages, registers, and educates young people from all walks of life on the issues they care most about.

We need to engage communities previously left behind or written off by the movement. LGBT communities. Young people. Conservative women. Men. Low-income families. People of color. We can’t afford to continue letting anti-choice extremists prey on the marginalized communities left behind by our movement.

The bottom line is simple. Either we fundamentally reshape the very framework of our movement and engage young people on the issues they care about, or we sit idly by as our opponents continue to exploit the most powerful and untapped resource in the war on reproductive rights.

]]>http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/12/18/young-people-most-powerful-and-untapped-resource-in-battle-reproductive-justice-0/feed/0Getting to Zero: Young People Mobilizing to End the Spread of HIVhttp://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/06/14/young-people-mobilizing-zero-infections/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=young-people-mobilizing-zero-infections
http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/06/14/young-people-mobilizing-zero-infections/#commentsTue, 14 Jun 2011 09:16:07 +0000The involvement of women and girls, sex workers, persons who use drugs, men who have sex with men (MSM), and young people is crucial to the achieving the goal of zero new HIV infections by 2015.

]]>The involvement of women and girls, sex workers, persons who use drugs, men who have sex with men (MSM), and young people is crucial to the achieving the goal of zero new HIV infections by 2015.

Young people are particularly vulnerable because we cut across all key affected populations. We account for 3,000 of the 7,000 new infections per day. This adds up to about 40 percent of all new HIV infections. There are myriad of reasons why infections are so high. Last week, on the panel entitled, Prevention–What Can be Done to Get to Zero New Infections, at the United Nations High Level Meeting on AIDS, on June 8, 2011 I highlighted that:

Prevention is failing because of the way in which HIV programs are designed to reach young people as those who need to be controlled. We are not addressed as rights-holders who should have healthy/fun/safe sex like anyone else. Forget talking to us about condoms and how to negotiate safe sex with our partners. It is vital that youth today have all the facts and not just the information adults think they are ‘ready’ for. Let us all accept that young people have sex for the same reasons adults have sex for—intimacy; love; for procreation, pleasure, income and gifts; or to avoid violence because they are being punished for their behavior. We urgently need comprehensive sexuality education if we are going to build an effective and sustainable response to HIV.

Data from UNAIDS suggests that young people are leading the HIV-prevention revolution at all levels—community, national, regional, and global—of the AIDS response. The most recent demonstration is our role and participation in the High Level Meeting on AIDS.

More than fifty of us were present and the number of us included in country delegations was historic for any UN meeting. The Netherlands delegation alone had three young people who were fully involved in the negotiations for the declaration of commitment. In April, over 200 of us met in Bamako, Mali for the first global Youth Summit on AIDS to develop a call to action for our leaders. Several young people have signed this—one young woman from Liberia, with the support of UNAIDS, collected more than 20,000 signatures. On June 7, 2011 several youth organizations hosted a preparatory meeting to plan around our advocacy during and after the High Level Meeting.

In my own country, through the Jamaica Youth Advocacy Network (JYAN), we have ensured that young people were engaged in all the processes leading up to last week’s meeting. JYAN participated in the Regional Universal Access consultation in Trinidad & Tobago, the Mali Youth Summit, the Caribbean Regional Dialogue on HIV, and the Low and the High Level Meetings. In fact, we hosted the first youth and universal access consultation on April 9, with twenty prominent youth leaders. We have achieved this with the support of Advocates for Youth, UNAIDS, and Caribbean Vulnerable Communities Coalition, among others.

My colleague, Mawethu Zita, who is the focal point in Southern Africa for the Global Youth Coalition on HIV/AIDS, has also been doing tremendous work. Since the Mali Youth Summit he has organized a consultation about the Mali Call to Action. Through his leadership, some young people spoke to their National AIDS Councils and representatives at Youth and Health Ministries, and others have dialogued with a number of local youth organizations. In June, Mawethu was one of ten young people who met in Robin Island on the invitation of the Co-Chair of the UNAIDS High Level Commission. At the High Level Meeting, Mawethu facilitated a closed session on how young people can hold their governments accountable to their commitment.

Getting to zero is possible. Although governments must adopt and implement legal and policy frameworks that protect key affected populations and uphold their rights to access services as a principle, the direct participation of these populations is just as important. Governments must be encouraged to harness, invest in, and utilize the energy, capacities, and expertise of us young people to provide leadership to the development and implementation of policies and programs designed to mitigate young people’s risk and vulnerability to HIV and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

]]>http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/06/14/young-people-mobilizing-zero-infections/feed/1Get Real! Am I Stupid for Loving a Guy Who Only Wants Sex?http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/01/27/realstupid-loving-only-wants/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=realstupid-loving-only-wants
http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/01/27/realstupid-loving-only-wants/#commentsThu, 27 Jan 2011 16:15:10 +0000You can have conflicting feelings about someone but loving and being loved is about honoring and celebrating who we are and what we want.

So there is this guy that I really really like. I don’t know how to get to him without having to put myself out there. He says he cares but then when we are with our friends he won’t even talk to me. When we are alone he is always by me but wants to do anything other than talk, it seems like he only wants sex. We messed around once but I don’t know what to do now. Am I stupid for falling in love with him and pretty much doing anything so that he will stay closer to me?

Heather Corinna replies:

I don’t know about you, but the times I call myself things like stupid are times I feel really bad about myself, usually for doing something I don’t feel good about. Then I call myself something like that and I feel even worse, and have an even harder time making choices that are about being kind to myself, because I’m being really mean to me. So, I try to avoid calling myself that and when I do, work hard to walk it to the rubbish bin and throw that word away, recognizing that I’m not stupid and that putting myself down isn’t anything close to helpful. I suggest you do the same thing.

I don’t think you’re stupid. I think the kinds of feelings you are having can be really confusing and tough to navigate, for all of us, but especially when we’re new to them. The feelings we have for someone like this are also sometimes in conflict with the way they treat us: as weird as it can seem, sometimes we can feel really into someone who, when we check in with our heads, it doesn’t make any sense to feel that into. Romantic or sexual feelings are often illogical and we don’t always have them for people who feel the same way or, who do, but still aren’t a good choice for us to try and have relationships with. Having certain feelings doesn’t always make us, or anyone else, capable or enacting them in healthy or reasonable ways.

I want to start by making some distinctions. It sounds like, as you say, you really, really like this guy. It sounds like you have romantic and maybe sexual feelings for this guy. Okay. But I’m not hearing anything in this that sounds like love to me.

Love is a lot bigger and more complex than like or feeling in love, and involves things we have to mutually build like trust, respect and compassion. When we have love and share love, we’re taking care of each other. When we feel love, we’re wanting to care for someone else but also care for ourselves, not treat ourselves poorly or put ourselves in situations where we feel bad about ourselves or let someone else make us feel bad. We also have to know people deeply to love them, so it’d be difficult to have love for someone who won’t even talk with us and really let us in. I can’t say love is easy, because it can be really challenging, but it’s not this variety of push-me-pull-me hard. Lastly, love tends to feel really good, not bad like this. I think it can help to make those distinctions because if we want to love and feel love, we need to know what it looks and feels like to find and nurture it, and this ain’t it.

Usually, I’m the one who creates the titles to these pieces and adds tags, but you wrote out both yourself. You say this guy only wants sex, and you added some tags to this post: abused, discarded, hard, hurtful, used and wanting only one thing. That all doesn’t sound like what he wants or the way he’s been treating you has left you feeling very good. That certainly doesn’t sound like anything resembling love, and those aren’t words or feelings we’d tend to associate with healthy, happy relationships.

From the way you titled and tagged your question and from what you’re saying here, it sounds to me like you know this person isn’t available to you for what you want. It also sounds like this guy may want things that you don’t and you may want things he doesn’t. To boot, it sounds like this person isn’t treating you very well sometimes and you’re also not treating yourself very well.

You ask about doing “pretty much anything” so he will stay — get? — closer to you, and what I think about that. My answer is that it depends on what you mean.

You say you don’t know how to get to him without putting yourself out there. Anytime we want to pursue something with someone else, especially an intimate relationship, and make clear what we want, we’ll need to put ourselves out there. That’s not unreasonable, since none of us are mind-readers.

If you mean doing things like telling him how you feel and what you want, I don’t think that’s stupid at all: that’s what we will usually need to do with people. If you mean things like spending time with him if he is treating you with respect and care (not just saying he cares), asking him to talk with you, having any kind of sex that you also really want to have, on your own terms and not just because that’s what someone else wants, or organizing a midnight ukelele serenade to demonstrate your affection, I think those kinds of things are just fine to do with or for someone who we have good reason to believe is or will be receptive to them and would also do the same kinds of things for or with you.

On the other hand, if you mean things like messing around and/or having any kind of sex you don’t want, putting up with being treated like you don’t exist when there are other people around, asking to talk again and again and having him only answer that by putting his hand in your pants, or jumping off the Empire State Building to demonstrate your feelings, I’d say that’s not so wise (and also dangerous, especially that bit with the building). Those are not the kinds of things we should have to do so someone will be interested in us or spend time with us, and aren’t the kinds of things that are going to net us anything positive. Those are things we do when we’re not caring for ourselves and are allowing others to treat us with equal carelessness.

If and when you only want a sexual relationship with someone who wants that, that can be just fine. But when only one person wants that and the other wants something else, it’s a recipe for heartbreak. I don’t know if it’s true that all he wants from you is sex. But some of the ways he’s behaving make it seem that way, don’t sound caring or respectful and — no surprise here — you’re feeling pretty lousy. You’re feeling bad and know you feel bad, but it sounds like you’re not taking care of yourself by recognizing that and getting away from it so that you don’t feel that way anymore.

Now, I don’t know why it is that you like this guy, since despite him saying he cares about you now and then, the way he’s treating you in front of others doesn’t reflect that. Someone who ignores me in public and will only make moves on me when I want to talk and be seen in a bigger way doesn’t sound very awesome to me. But I’m sure you have your reasons for liking him. All the same, even if there are things about this guy to like and fall for, I think there is compelling evidence that trying to press on with him wouldn’t make you happy.

There are going to be people in our lives we have certain feelings for and want certain kinds of relationships with. But having those feelings and wanting those relationships alone doesn’t mean all those folks will be available for those relationships — literally or emotionally — or will be the right people for us to pursue those relationships with. One bare basic for them being the right kind of people is them demonstrating clear interest in sharing what we want. One bare basic for knowing they are not sound people to pursue relationship with is them showing clear disinterest in what we want, or us feeling clear disinterest in what they do. If you feel pretty sure this guy only wants sex and know that’s not what you want, you’ve got a clear demonstration of disinterest on his part for what you want and a clear knowledge of your own disinterest in what he does. If he’s refusing to acknowledge your presence with friends, that’s another clear signal of disinterest in any kind of love or care for you.

Sometimes we can fall in love with falling in love. In other words, we can get so wrapped up in the feelings, ideas or fantasies of what being in love is or could be that we stop clearly seeing — or never do in the first place — what’s really going on and who the person really is we’re projecting those feelings or wishes unto. Even when those feelings really hurt, we can get a little lost in that hurt, because it’s a powerful feeling, and maybe we just want to feel something powerful, even if it sucks. Some people also grew up with the idea that love relationships are only real if they hurt, a terrible idea that’s also not at all true.

It’s also easy sometimes to get caught up in the pursuit of someone who is resisting us or what we want: it can seem like if we can get them to change their tune, and fall magically in love with us, get them to start behaving like we want them to, then we’ll have won and proven both our own worth and the worth of our wants and feelings.

Bzzzt. Loving and being loved is about honoring and celebrating who we are and what we want. Loving someone and being loved isn’t about trying to get someone to act like a different person than they are or getting them to feel or want something they don’t: that’s actually just as ooky in some ways as trying to get someone to have sex they don’t want to have. When a love relationship is right and is most likely to go well, no one will need to be dragged to it kicking and screaming, and no one will have to do things they don’t want to in the meantime, or be treated like crap, in order to make a love relationship happen. If any of those things are going on, we can be sure that love was either never there in the first place or that its train has since left the station.

Who knows, maybe this guy has some maturity he needs to grow before he’s ready for a relationship with you (or anyone) where he doesn’t behave badly. Maybe he has troubles communicating and needs to work on that. If either of those things are true, they’ll take a good deal of time and work he does for himself, by himself. They’re not likely to happen in the next few days, weeks or even months.

Maybe he just doesn’t feel about you how you feel about him and that’s not going to change ever. Or maybe he’s just a stinker and that won’t change, either. Whatever the reason, it seems clear he’s not ready for or interested in what you want and need now and clear that you feel crappy in this. You can fix that easily by letting this go and moving towards the kinds of people and relationships that you really want and that make you feel good.

I think you, like anyone, are going to be best served investing your heart and time in someone who makes you feel good right from the start and throughout, not bad, who treats you with care — rather than just saying they care, while not matching those words with actions — who wants the things you want and feels the way about you that you feel about them. It sounds like this isn’t someone with whom you’re likely to find any of that, so I’d suggest you cut your losses now and walk away. If you don’t know of anyone in your life right now who makes you feel good who you have romantic feelings for, that’s okay. There isn’t always someone like that in any of our lives at any given time, but life goes on because romantic relationships are only one kind of relationship and one part of our lives. Better to hold out for the good stuff than make ourselves miserable with something substandard at best, and really awful or toxic, at worst.

One thing I’d suggest that you do to figure this out, and to have better luck moving forward in romantic relationships, is to take some time to think about what you really want. Obviously, you don’t want to be treated like an object or a ghost. It also sounds like right now, one thing you know you don’t want is a relationship that’s only about sex. But what do you want? So many people get so frustrated with not finding or getting what they want in relationships, but when you ask what they want, they can only say what they don’t want. It’s hard to find and co-create what we want if we don’t know what that is, and it’s easier to get what we want — and get good at ditching what we know isn’t it — if we can have a clear idea of what that is and then put that out there to others clearly. That way, we can ask if they want what we do, and if they say no or that they aren’t sure (or won’t answer at all), we can know to get gone before we get invested.

I’m going to leave you with a few links that I think might help you in that process and in sorting out if this deal with this guy is really worth any more of your time and your heart (even though I bet you already know the answer):

]]>Back in 1974, when Nellie Gray organized the first March for Life to protest the one-year old Roe V. Wade decision, the prochoice community was quick to point out that the crowd was largely white, male, and over the age of 50. To their credit, the antis heard the criticism and began working to recruit women, youth, and people of color.

While their success has been uneven, this year’s rally scheduled for January 24th will be followed by the first ever Pro-Life Youth March through the streets of DC. Organized by a coalition of groups, participants will wear purple plastic “abolish abortion” bracelets, as they attempt to rev up opposition to reproductive freedom.

The demonstrators will have some anti-choice superstars to goad them on, including Ryan Bomberger–the mastermind behind the Endangered Species billboards that charge abortion providers with orchestrating a genocidal campaign against Black babies–model/actor Eduardo Verastegui, Dr. Alveda King, and the wildly-popular Christian band Barlow Girl, whose crossover hit Never Alone was included on the soundtrack of the 2010 movie, New Moon.

Indeed, Christian pop has played a pivotal role in recruiting tweens and teens to the anti-abortion cause. Barlow Girl, a three-women band known for their exquisite harmonies, straddles the line between the secular and the spiritual. Their songs, like those of rock bands Silverline and the two-time Grammy nominated Skillet, bring youth face-to-face with a Christian worldview—invariably anti-choice–they might otherwise miss. Indeed, the $7 billion industry—with hundreds of performers in every musical genre—work hard to mold the opinions of those who listen to their music. In the same way that Bob Dylan, Neil Young, and Phil Ochs influenced people to oppose the Vietnam War four decades ago, Christian rockers are role models for kids struggling to find authenticity and connection in the world outside their family home.

Take John Cooper, the revered lead singer of Skillet, who holds fans captive by appealing to the insecurities and fury that define adolescence. “Every single day we wake up there is a war going on,” he told an interviewer.

“Not in Iraq or Afghanistan, but a war for your soul. The world is trying to take you down; tell you that you are nothing; tell you how you should dress; what to say; what to believe; what you have to accomplish to be cool. I say, in spite of this war, now is the time to stand up for what we believe in. We are not ashamed. We are not afraid. We are awake and alive. You matter to God. He loves you just as you are.”

You can almost hear kids sighing with relief, happy to be understood and assured that they’re worth something. In fact, they’re likely so hyped-up by Cooper’s passionate exhortation that they don’t notice that his monologue is virtually content-free. What “we” believe in? Listeners perusing the band’s homepage to determine what Cooper’s words actually mean will have to do some digging but will eventually find the lyrics to the band’s anti-abortion anthem, Lucy, as well as links to Students for Life, Rock for Life, the World Youth Alliance, and organizations promoting abstinence before marriage.

And Cooper is not alone in his posturing. Other respected Christian rockers, including Josh Wilson of Silverline, also offer prescriptive messages to their followers. The band’s hit single, Get it Right, urges them to move off the sidelines:

“This world needs God/But it’s easier to stand and watch/I can say a prayer and just move on like nothing’s wrong…/I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself/I know we are the hands and feet of you, O God.”

Thanks to rousing vocals and tunes to get even the most determined couch potatoes up and moving, Silverline, Barlow Girl, and Skillet have scored some remarkable accomplishments. In fact, they’re just three of the many bands that offer conservative religious and social messages with a driving beat. It’s not surprising that their music is popular.

On the other hand, psychologists remind us that there’s another reason the music gets rave reviews from teenagers: Adolescents are typically drawn to simplified, black-and-white ideas. Gestalt psychotherapist Shelley Orren-King explains that it is only when people reach their twenties that “they can begin to see shades of gray.”

“The nuances come with life experience. With time and emotional development human reasoning usually shifts,” she wrote in an email.

This developmental reality pinpoints a thorn nettling the anti’s youth-recruitment efforts, and it is a reality that neither music nor culture can ameliorate. Kristan Hawkins, head of Students for Life, said as much in a letter to supporters on December 10, 2010:

“Women are 47 percent pro-life when they enter college, but 73 percent pro-choice when they graduate,” she wrote.

This finding puts the onus on the prochoice community, for just as college students are changed by meeting real women who terminate unwanted pregnancies, other communities, both Christian and not, can also be changed. Thirty-eight years after Roe, the need to shout from the rooftops why choice is a right and a positive aspect of women’s lives is obvious. Furthermore, an outspoken campaign of truth-telling about what abortion actually is, who has them and why, will diminish fears about post-operative risks including depression and post-traumatic stress.

These facts move to the beat of real life. Does anyone feel like singing?