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February 13, 2014

VOD Review- Nurse 3-D (2014)

As a movie, Nurse 3-D is pretty bad. As an experience, Nurse 3-D is pretty enjoyable, at least in that "it's so bad that it's good" sort of way.

The main problem that we have with Nurse 3-D, is Paz de la Huerta. She's an awful actress, and if it weren't for the fact that she has a killer body (and a complete willingness to constantly get naked on-screen to show it off), we can't imagine her having much of a career at all.

She's just always rubbed us the wrong way, and her "acting" has always left us cold. We're really not trying to be dicks here, that's just how we feel.

For all we know, Paz de la Huerta is a really cool girl who just likes to do her own thing, and march to the beat of her own special drummer, and God bless her on that front. If she has the power and opportunity to rock on, then by all means, rock on.

With all of that being said, we went into Nurse 3-D with an open mind, hoping that it would be a fun, exploitation-filled hour and a half. For the most part, that's exactly what it is.

Abby Russell is a nurse by day, and a vengeful man-killer by night. She hates men that cheat on their wives, because they are the scum of the Earth and deserve to die painfully for their foul transgressions, so she kills them in very painful ways. I think it's safe to say that she has some issues. Daddy issues!

What kind of Hospital allows this level of nudity?

When she's not killing the bottom-feeding cockhounds of the world, she's healing the sick and infimed with her caring bedside manner, and her nurse outfits that come from the stripper store. She also mentors young nurses in the arts of healing, especially hot young Danni, who she decides to roofie and have some sex with.

But its men that are all creepy, sex-driven pigs, right?

When her cheating Stepfather ends up dying suddenly, and under mysterious circumstances, Danni becomes suspicious of Abby, and her odd connection to him. As she begins to investigate Abby and her secret past, their relationship begins to deteriorate, and she's forced to find herself a new mentor.

"Like, who's going to mentor me now? OMG!"

Can Danni stop Abby's murderous ways? Will Abby outsmart everyone, get away with her crimes, and leave a trail of bodies in her wake? Is there a movie in which Paz de la Huerta does not get naked? Far be it from us to spoil anything here, so let's just say that there will most likely be a Nurse 3-D part 2.

Jack Osbourne was awesome in this movie.

The real problem with the movie itself, is that it lacks the wit and charm needed to pull off what it was going for. It's obviously supposed to be wild in a black comedy sort of way, but most of it is so poorly executed that it ends up coming off as being far more ridiculous than it is witty or fun.

Maybe if Paz de la Huerta could act, the movie would have worked a lot better for us. She tries her hardest to pull of a character that is as crazy as she is seductive, but she just doesn't have the chops for it. Towards the end of the movie, we cringed when her enraged character screamed "Danniiiiiiii!" It was like watching a really horrible singer crash and burn during an American Idol Audition.

Dial back on the crazy, Paz.

Even as fantastic as Paz looks naked (the girl has a crazy hot figure), she just doesn't do it for us. She tries really hard, and we know that there are plenty of folks out there for whom she does do it, we just don't get it. Shame, that, because this movie seems to exist only as a showcase for her willingness to get naked and act all sexy.

The rest of the cast is a mixed bag: Katrina Bowden is cute as a kitten in this one as she always is, but she's not winning any acting awards either. We love her in many ways, but watching her trying to share the acting load with Paz was just painful at times. she's good, but she's just not great. Judd Nelson hasn't really been good in anything since maybe Airheads (1994), has he? Same goes for Kathleen Turner.

"That'sKathleen Turner?!?"

Surprisingly, the best actors in this movie were two guys that we were not familiar with until now; Corbin Bleu and Boris Kodjoe. Still not really sure who in the hell they are, but they were good in this movie, and we'd be happy to see them show up in some other genre projects in the future. We also love the always funny Niecy Nash. Seeing her reminds us of Reno 911, which always brings a smile to our face.

Nurse 3-D is also a really gory movie. Sure, a lot of the movie's blood flow is CGI, but it still looks great in most places. As a bloody spectacle, this movie is aces.

Good stuff.

Nurse 3-D was really lacking in a lot of departments, and yet we found it to be fun in others. It's gory, full of sexiness, and has an over-the-top climax that was pretty entertaining. If you're a fan of Paz de la Huerta, then you'll love what she does here. If not, then this movie will most leave you like us; wondering what in the hell it was that you just witnessed.

We'd recommend you wait until this one hits Netflix before giving it a go, unless you think it would be right up your alley and are really dying to see it, in which case, just give it a rent on VOD.

Depending on which way we look at it, this movie is either a D+ or a C-, so we'll just go ahead and call it both.

Here are some more images from Nurse 3-D, because if nothing else, it was at least a visually pleasing experience.

An incredible hot body attached to an ugly face and absolutely no acting skills. At least, this hot piece of meat is showing off frequently. Too bad those lesbian scenes were not shown in full glory. I got the feeling that 2 stars were generous of you. Very sad. Me moving on to the next movie.

2 stars was very generous of us, but in all fairness, the movie did a few things right which deserved at least a bit of credit. I would not argue with anyone who said it deserved a negative score though :)

You can thank Katrina Bowden for us not getting the "full glory" as far as the lesbian scenes go. I'm actually kinda shocked that she went as far as she did in this movie.