The Non-ExpertJan 31, 2003

Party Jokes

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week we offer some jokes for awkward moments at your next party, safe for children, drunks, and pets.

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Question: What are some good jokes to tell at parties? —Jeff

Answer: You’re in luck, Jeff. The Non-Expert goes to a lot of parties and knows a lot of great jokes. Here’s a few of them along with ways you can work them into your evening.

When you’re walking with your girlfriend up the sidewalk toward her brother’s new girlfriend’s party, you say:

So this hydrogen atom walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. He says to the bartender, ‘I think I’ve lost an electron.’ The bartender says, ‘Are you sure?’ The atom says, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

When the door opens and you meet your girlfriend’s brother and his new girlfriend, the hostess, you say:

So this carton of yogurt walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, we don’t serve yogurt in here.’ The yogurt says, ‘Why not? I’m a cultured individual.’

When the hostess is refreshing the ice and refilling the punch bowl and she notices when you accidentally glance down the front of her dress, you say:

So this duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, your pants are down.’

When you mention to your girlfriend that her brother seems really nice and that his new girlfriend is really pretty and then quickly add that she also seems really nice, you say:

So this grasshopper walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, we have a drink named after you.’ The grasshopper says, ‘Really? You have a drink named Steve?’

When you go back to the drink table and tell the hostess you think she’s thrown a really great party, that it looks like a nice turnout, and that you’re having a really good time, you say:

So this hamburger walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, we don’t serve food here.’

When your girlfriend asks what you were saying to the hostess and you say you were just, you know, making small talk, and then she asks, why do you keep staring over at her if you were only making small talk, huh, you say:

So this string walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, we don’t serve string here.’ The string goes back outside, ruffs himself up in the street, curls up, and walks back into the bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, are you a string?’ The string says, ‘No, I’m a frayed knot.’

When you ask the hostess how long she’s lived in the area, if she likes it, what she does, and then look across the room and notice your girlfriend is in the corner talking to her obviously-now-drunk brother, who’s kind of having trouble standing up straight and, now that you notice it, is really a lot taller than you thought, you say:

So this skeleton walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer and a mop.

When you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and look through the hostess’s medicine cabinet to find that there’s nothing interesting inside except for some condoms, which makes you think about what it might be like to have sex with her, you say:

So this goat walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, we don’t serve goats here.’ The goat says, ‘Why not?’ The bartender says, ‘We don’t serve kids.’

When you’re exiting the bathroom and get sucker-punched across the jaw by your girlfriend’s brother, who reeks of gin and who, when you drop to the ground, straddles you and begins pummeling your chest and face, you say:

So this mushroom walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. Then he starts hitting on the woman sitting next to him. He asks her out on a date and she says no. The mushroom says, ‘Come on, lady, I’m a fun guy.’

When the people at the party finally get the guy off of you and your girlfriend walks over, bends down to look you in the face, slaps you, tells you she never wants to see you again, and leaves with her brother, you say:

So this horse walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, why the long face?’

When you go back over to the refreshment table to get yourself a little something to kill the throbbing pain in your face and the hostess tells you that the party’s pretty much over at this point and that she’s sorry you got the shit kicked out of you and all, you say:

So this neutron walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender promptly serves up a cold one. The neutron asks, ‘How much will that be?’ The bartender says, ‘For you? No charge.’

When the hostess asks you to leave, but on your way out slips you her phone number and tells you to give her a call when the swelling goes down, or maybe in an hour, whichever comes first, you say:

So this giraffe walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, that’ll be 25 dollars.’ The giraffe pays him and the bartender says, ‘We don’t get many giraffes in here.’ The giraffe says, ‘At your prices, I’m not surprised.’