Chapter Six: Dealbreakers

So you got the girl – good going! Seriously, it’s not easy to land a relationship with a Push Girl so lean back, enjoy the rarified air and congratulate yourself… oh, wait. What are you doing? No. Nonono… don’t do that. Don’t you know this by now? Those crazy personal peccadillos, those things your mother told you were so cute, so adorable… Well, frankly my friend, to many of us (not just Push Girls), they are dealbreakers.

Dealbreaker (n.)
1. A deal breaker is ‘the catch’ that a particular individual cannot overlook and ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess.
2. An issue within a relationship that constitutes one partner breaking up with the other. Note that they do not need to be a “good” reason by society’s standards, but are specific and individual to each relationship.

We need to clear this up fast – so that we can move on to sexy time. Because, trust: if you don’t clean up some bad behavior, you ain’t gonna get any sexy time.

Now, we’re not talking things that won’t get you past the first date, like not paying the outrageous bill you racked up or swallowing a whole clove of garlic and going in for the kiss. If you did those, well, you’re not even at the front gate – you’ve been booted out of the park. Dealbreakers are when you’ve gone on a few dates, you’re super psyched about your Push Girl, dreaming about the day you are gonna get it on and then (OUT OF THE BLUE!) the record scratches and she dumps you.

So what went wrong? Don’t worry – we’re here to trouble shoot.

1. Substance Abuse
So you like having a drink – that’s cool. But, say, 50? Not so cool. All the girls – Auti, Angela, Mia and Tiph – are not into sloppy dudes who slur. Or snort, inject or inhale. Mia puts it this way: “Substance abuse is a huge dealbreaker for me – I grew up with it and I don’t want to get into any patterns.” Tiph, a virulent anti-smoker concurs adding, “Any way that you are harming your body, like someone who drinks alcohol every day, is a no go for me.”

2. Anger Management
Also known as the belligerent, loud and obnoxious or the slow burn seething type – either way, it’s not hot! Listen, we don’t know why you are so pissed all the time, and frankly, we don’t care. If the slightest breeze gets your goat up or any guys who looks our way is risking a punch in the face, don’t come to us – go to a shrink. Seriously. Push Girls are laid back ladies who don’t have time to deal with your baggage that you insist on carrying around – so leave that shizz at the door.

3. You Gotta Get Along Well With Others
Nobody wants to hang out with someone who’s gonna scare everybody else off the playground. The fact of the matter is, if you respect your Push Girl, you will have to respect her family and choice of friends. “I’m not the type to date somebody that everyone hates,” Mia says. “I want to be with someone that people like because I want them to around my friends and I don’t want this awkward tension.”

4. Neediness
Our ladies are independent women. They have to share their alone time with their families, friends and, oh yeah – you. So don’t be hassling. “I can’t stand when someone is so needy,” says Mia. “I feel like I’m playing therapist all the time – I have my own issues!” And they like their own time. “I do a lot of things on my own,” Tiph says. “You have to be confident to be my partner and be respectful.”

5. Cheating
“If I can’t trust a guy, it’s over,” says Mia. “Once I find out if someone’s been a cheater – I don’t want to stick around to find out if I’m the next one he’s going to cheat on. I would be devastated if someone cheated on me. Trust is really important to me.”

And, let’s be real, shall we? Sometimes cheating isn’t just about a loss of trust – it’s about what you might bring home. “I was 23 when I was cheated on,” Auti says. “I was living in the city, he was living in the country and every time, after I’d go visit him, I’d come home with a yeast infection. So, out would come the Monistat, I’d cure it and then go back – and get another yeast infection. I ended up finding out he was cheating on me.”

6. Chair Chasers
“A what?” you say – yes, well, those of us who don’t have our own personal set of hot wheels might not know about this phenomenon, but our Push Girls do. Hell, they have to! These creepers like to hang out just searching for their next wheeled lady, showing up in places that aren’t meant for them. Bleargh.

“A chair chaser is someone who has a thing for a person in a wheelchair,” Mia says. “Just like there’s fetishes for everything, there’s one for chairs. It’s very creepy.” While all the ladies have run into them – don’t hold out any hope if you are an actual Chair Chaser. “I shut it down before it gets creepy,” Auti says.

7. The Eliot Spitzer Effect
Our Push Girls ain’t Silda and aren’t gonna put up with no black socks in the bedroom.