The Haunted Spoon

Hello, I was Jimmy Johnson, your average spoon collector. I liked collecting spoons, new and old. It was my favorite hobby and only hobby sadly :(

I was bored one day, so I decided to buy a spoon off of eBay. It said this:

"YOOSD SPOON POSESED BAI DMON! DO NAWT BAI DESTROY IF U DO DO IT FGT"

Naturally, I decided to buy it. Then I realized that I had to take a dump, so I sat there on the toilet for 5,000 hours. After my lengthy, toilet-clogging bathroom break, the package arrived.

The mailman was standing there, he asked for a signature, when I mentioned the spoon to him, his eyes turned black and started to bleed, and his head started spinning in all directions and he started vomiting.

Naturally, I thought he had Ebola, so we had a coughing contest, shared chili with the same spoon, and kissed each other on the mouth before I sent him to ComicCon.

Then, I opened the spoon. I said "The spoon was aggressive"

I tried to throw the spoon away, but it flew right back into my hand!

I tried to drown it, but it didn't work.

I tried to take a shit on it, but the shit flew right back up my asshole!

I tried my last resort, pulling my pants down and firing a shit laser at it.