"Reality and Truth Are Never The Same Thing..."

After Samiya's death I was questioned by the police but I was let go after my government intervened. But that did not mean I was free, after the Juba authorities handed me over to my people, I was immediately taken for questioning. They said it was just routine debrief but it was more like an accusation. They asked a lot of questions about Samiya's background.

I told them what I knew but they seemed not to believe me. They mocked me for living with a woman for so long and not knowing her real identity. Finally, when they were convinced that I would not tell them the truth they brought in another interviewer. A man they knew would have access to the deepest recesses of my secrets in a matter of minutes.

I sat across the table facing the interrogator. Robert Mikuyu was our trainer, my mentor and handler. He might have been smiling but his eyes betrayed his intentions. He was not there on my behalf; he was fighting on the corner of the motherland.

"Son, you can be honest with me about what happened out there. We are here to help you." They always make you believe that if things go wrong there is a way back home. But that is all an illusion. In our world there is no such thing as home.

"I don't know what happened, some people kidnapped and killed her for resisting the land deal between Malloch Corporation and the Juba authorities..."

"What do you know about the land deal? And why would they kill her."

"I don't know she was standing in the way of a multimillion dollar reforestation and carbon trading deal..."

"So you don't have any evidence it's just speculation?"

"Like I said it's just an opinion."

"Remember we are on your side and we just want this horrible incident to go away. I have recommended that you return home in the meantime whilst we handle the fallout."

"I can't return home I have to find out what happened to Samiya."

"It is not a suggestion, look our relationship with Juba is already fractious and I can't have you gallivanting all over their country just because of a broken heart."

"When..." I had begun to speak but he answered without hearing the rest of my question. We will fly you out to Addis Ababa in a few hours' time; you don't need to go home your stuff has been packed for you. You will go home and recover and when things have blown over you will be given another mission but you can never return to this country ever again."

"I want to see her burial..."

"That's impossible..."

"You can't deny me that one thing."

"It is not up to us, her body was repatriated to Mogadishu early this morning..."

"You mean Nairobi..."

"No I mean Mogadishu."

When I didn't say anything he stood up and left. Nothing made sense. I resignedly accepted my fate because the only other option was being locked up or taking a bullet. Those options were not viable because I needed to know the truth about Samiya and fighting my government would have closed off that opportunity. I sat in the room and tried to remember how I met Robert Mikuyu.

He was my father's friend and he made it easy for me to join the spy organisation. He was the reason that I thought so highly of my country. My first week of training was exciting and after three weeks I was convinced that I had made the right choice, all doubts that Karen had planted in my head sank away.My first mission came after six months; we abducted Mbathe, a man classified as a terrorist by law enforcement in the country (an opponent of the government). We kept him locked up in a cell in a farmhouse in the outskirts of the city for over three months. At the end of the exercise Mikuyu made me shoot him. But that was not before we gave him a phone to call his wife and speak to her. He told her he was coming home. I thought our mission was to reorient him and we had succeeded.

But Mikuyu laughed and handed me the pistol. He told me to kill the man. He said the lesson had not been about the terrorist but it was to teach me that people never change, they will lie just because they want to live another day. I stood and looked into his eyes. I pulled the trigger. I wish I could say I felt guilt about what I did. The truth is I felt nothing. Maybe I am a sociopath. But I felt that this was no great loss. If the motherland was to survive, people of Mbathe's ilk had to be eliminated for the greater good.

I admired Mikuyu. He was a man of unshakeable faith. I thought he truly believed in whatever drivel (tat that time it was the purest gospel to me) he was shoving down our grey matter. He spoke with a firm unwavering conviction. He would have made an excellent politician. As I remembered Mbathe, the doubts that Karen had embedded in my mind resurfaced and begun to choke me.

I was escorted from the embassy and we drove towards the base. I was sitting with Robert when suddenly I felt a stinging sensation on my left arm. I was immediately paralysed and I saw him shake his head and heard his apologetic voice say, "Sorry son but people never change and the world is not what it is." I then passed out.​I was about to be killed and I did not even know the reason. I felt what must have gone through Mbathe's mind as I pointed the gun at him. With his eyes pleading for mercy I had happily crossed the line. Even in death his eyes looked at me pleading and accusing me at the same time.All I knew was that my mentor had betrayed me.