Wikipedia claims the unicorn is a mythological creature, and I call bullshit on that.

The unicorn is not mythological. The kraken is mythological. Jörmungandr, the Midgard Serpent, is a mythological beast. These are animals that defy logic and the physical rules of the universe — seriously, a snake that encircles the earth? The unicorn, however, is just a superior, yet extinct, animal.

The unicorn, or onus cornu, was once plentiful on the subcontinent of India, and in survived in secluded glades throughout Eurasia up through the 17th century, until humans hunted them into extinction. (As we are won’t to do with all the really cool animals, such as jabberwocky and jackalope.)

This brief series is intended to explain the nature of the unicorn, and its part in human history.

The Unicorn through the Ages

Part One: The Bible

References to unicorns are scattered throughout the historical record, no more obvious than in Deuteronomy, where Moses discusses the nature of the unicorn and God:

Adam looked at the beast, and said: “This shall be a horse.”

And to Jaweh he said, “truly lord, you are magnificent, what could be more awesome?”

The Earth shook, and Jaweh said, “screw you Adam. What could be more awesome. I am more awesome.”

And Adam said, “well, that goes without saying ye who have created, literally, everything. You are the tops. But I meant in terms of non-predatory beasts. What could be better than a horse? It’s fast. It carries a great load. It’s gait is proof of your existence. And it even smells nice.”

Jaweh said, “what if it smelled like marshmallows?”

And Adam asked, “oh tell me, Lord, what is a marshmallow?”

This just angered Jaweh, and he said, “you know what would make this more awesome? Something that let it kill predators. Like a giant freakin’ horn made of gold. And it should have a kick-ass beard like me, and something flashy for a tail. Like the one I did for the lion. And instead of a regular hoof, it has cloven hooves. And only virgins can ride them. And they shall be immensely strong.”

Adam was stunned by the beauty of the unicorn, and he wanted to ride it, but Jaweh said only Eve could ride it, and only before it had taken her as a man takes a woman.