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This week my child was “sick”. She legit started out sick with a 102 fever, so in an ill-advised move, my husband kept SJ home instead of loading her up with Tylenol and sending her on her way.

You’d think he was a rookie.

Tuesday, she was fever free. Off to school she went! Bravo!

Then I got a call at 11:30. She had a fever of 102 and could I come pick her up.

When I got to her she looked disheveled, but that is pretty normal. The administrator with her told me that the teachers suspected perhaps she did not feel well when she was sitting quietly. That’s right, because my child wasn’t running around like a lunatic, that spurred concern for her health. They took her temp and it was 102.

When I got her home, a whole 2 blocks later, her temp was 98.1. And yet, we were home sick.

This was her:

She was pretty weak, but somehow managed to spread glitter and glue everywhere.

Taking a much needed nap….wait, no, she’s putting every single babydoll she has “to bed”, just not herself.

This was also her. Disclaimer: I know sometimes people have a hard time watching videos of sick children. You have been warned.

Since I know “sick” children often don’t have an appetite, I told her I’d make her anything she wanted for dinner. She wanted a grilled cheese sandwich.

She also wanted to help make it, despite being bedridden in her illness. She spread the butter on the bread, put the cheese on, and put it in the skillet. She was one happy, even if very sick, child.

When it was done I cut it into the 4 pieces as requested and put it in front of her.

She burst into tears.

“I DON’T WANT GRILLED CHEESE, I DON’T EVEN LIKE GRILLED CHEESE ANYMORE! WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THIS! YOU ARE THE WORST!”

Thank you to all that sent their thoughts and prayers for her speedy recovery. It worked.

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Have you ever been walking through your house and see something….odd, but just keep walking? You don’t do a double-take, you don’t stop and try and figure out what it is or why it is where it is, you just keep walking as if everything is perfectly fine.

Before kids you may have reacted differently.

“What in the world? Why is that plastic frog in my bathroom?”

“How in the heck? How did that pair of underwear get up in the living room blinds?”

“Why oh why is there a roll of tape and a miscellaneous water bottle straw in the hallway off the family room?”

“Who cordoned off the toilet with….toilet paper?”

But now, with kids, you just walk by. You don’t pick it up. You don’t ask anyone about it. You just go about your normal everyday activities. Then one day those items disappear from where they were and inexplicably end up somewhere else they aren’t supposed to be. New items continue to appear in odd places, like the play croissant on the windowsill (which I had retrieved from my bra when I went in to brush my teeth. True story.) or the rubber bike tire insert hanging on the towel hook.

I think it would actually be strange if you DID question these things. There is only one answer, and it’s not difficult. Because you have kids.

That is all the answer that is needed. Who knows why kids do the things they do? If you ask them, the answer is so far fetched that it’s better just to shrug your shoulders and let it be.

You’ll be happier. You’ll be more sane. Just embrace it. Embrace the crazy shit you see on a day to day basis and don’t try to understand it.

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As a parent, you always anxiously await the next milestone your child reaches and attains. There are the mac daddy of milestones such as rolling over, sitting up, crawling, first step, first word, 1st year you’ve managed to keep them alive, and potty training.

There are also other milestones that parents don’t often get told about, sort of like the “secret” menus at In&Out Burgers and Starbucks. But when you find them out you are all, “WHOA! This is a life changer!” Not until your child was able to master this “secret” milestone did you realize how much of a time suck it had been before.

Here are my Top 5 Secret Kid Milestones

5. Reaching the top shelf of the refrigerator. If you have toddlers or short kids, moving things to the bottom of the fridge is always an option, but it can also put things like milk and breakable containers in perilous positions. They can reach it, but their little hands don’t quite have the strength to then carry them. Result: big mess on the kitchen floor. When they are finally able to reach and effectively carry said item out of the fridge on their own, you can have them get it on their own and go back to reading InTouch, your exercise routine.

4. Putting straw in their own juice box. You don’t realize how much of a time suck this is. When you are at BBQ’s or Bday parties you are spending most of your time helping kids get the straw in their juice boxes and in the process squirting juice all down the front of your shirt because really this is a trick- NOBODY can put straws in a juice box without making a mess. But at least when they learn how, the mess is on them.

3. Using the remote. At 6am on a Saturday morning the last thing you want is for someone to burst in your room, waving a remote in your face, yelling “I want to watch a show!” When they learn how to use the remote, it opens up all kinds of sleeping in possibilities. Now, you may want to check your parental controls and keep unbreakfast-y type foods such as ice cream and doritos out of reach. But in the grand scheme of things, whoever got harmed from having doritos for breakfast? Go ahead, roll over and dream on while your kids binge watch Shimmer and Shine.

2. Passing the swim test. Going to the pool with young kids is not the kind of going to the pool that is all “relaxing with a fruity drink and a good book”. No, it is more of a “making sure your kids are lathered up in SPF 800 and adjusting goggles for the umpteenth time” kind of an experience. Also, you have to get in the pool with them. To supervise. Not exactly sure what the lifeguards are getting paid for, but whatevs. So, if your kid doesn’t pass the swim test, you need to be in the pool with them. When you have two kids and one adult, well then, you can imagine how one manages to be in the shallow end and deep end of the pool at the same time. Because of course they don’t want to be doing the same thing. But when your kid passes the swim test- BLISS!! One step closer to hanging out on the lounge chair with the next Jodi Picoult page turner.

1. Learning how to swing by themselves. Going to the park is supposed to be a thing so that you can have your kids get out all their pent up energy from the day so you can relax at home and catch up on your Twitter cook your kid’s dinner in peace. But instead of running around, sliding down, climbing up, and coming this close to breaking a major body part, they want to swing. And since they cannot swing by themselves, because apparently coordinating pumping your legs together at the correct time to propel yourself up and not stay at a standstill is something a young brain cannot grasp, you need to push them. Which means putting your phone riveting child development book away, standing up and using all YOUR energy, the energy you were supposed to be saving for making dinner, to push them for what seems like hours. And that Twitter dinner is not getting read cooked by itself dammit! So when they finally get their gross motor act together and can swing themselves, well my gosh what a lifesaver! Now you can sit on the bench for its intended purpose which is to search Facebook for the latest gossip on why Justin Bieber cancelled his world tour closely supervise your children.

So there they are. The milestones you never thought about, but when they occur, you will celebrate your new found freedom. Did I miss any?

Have a great, crazy day!

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When we first moved into out house in the suburbs, I wasn’t sure how I’d like living so far out from the city. Having lived in a city for the past, oh, 20 years, I was used to the hustle and bustle and living within walking distance to a variety of restaurants and bars.

Then came the kids and the “walking” to our local establishments became a process. It was still fun and convenient, but the ease part of that equation was now missing. And there is no, “go outside and don’t come in til dinnertime!” when you live on a busy main road. I mean, that my kids were 3 and 1 was also a factor, but I also didn’t see it as something that would occur in the near future. If my kids wanted to go outside and play, I would need to go with them.

So off to the suburbs we went. Now the prospect of throwing my kids outside and having them find their own fun was a reality. Except there were no other kids visibly outside for them to play with.

But then…a family moved in across the street with a similar, “go outside and don’t come back til the streetlights come on!” mentality.

I saw a girl near-ish Mahlie’s age, scootering down the sidewalk, by herself. No adult.

“QUICK! Get your scooter, go outside and introduce yourself!” The possibility of a partner in cul de sac crime was imminent.

Since then, a wonderful friendship has grown and my girls are out gallivanting with the neighbors with minimal adult interference. There has been the occasional pine cone throwing misadventure leading to a poked eye, a less than pleased neighbor that received an apology note from my kids for all kinds of trespassing on her property, but overall my ideal neighborhood situation was emerging.

My husband and I always said we’d be fine with all the kids gathering in our yard. We’d know where they are and there would be someone else to keep them occupied.

Yesterday I had the picture perfect experience. My girls were super disappointed that mommy was no longer keeping her promise to go to the pool all day because oh my gosh long weekends are long. So we put out a sprinkler and I said all the neighborhood kids could come.

And come they did. A sprinkler on the law during the summer is like a Bat Signal to kids. They converged from up and down the cul de sac, lugging their towels, asking for goggles (for the sprinkler?) and squirt guns. Some parents came along and I got out extra chairs and we had an impromptu gathering in the driveway. Some parents looked at me in that knowing way and I immediately gave the invite; “feel free to leave them here- we’re good if you need to go do something.”

For 2 hours my kids had water fights and water chases and water battles. I got to spend more than 5 minutes sitting down.

This past weekend my husband was out of town and I had the girls and 2 full days of “what the hell am I going to do?” ahead of me.

My one goal was to wear them out. I planned a packed weekend that ideally would have them crashed out and leaving me alone with my glass of wine at a decent hour. A girl can have goals, y’all.

Saturday was already filled with Mahlie’s track event, and since that involved lots of running, the exercise piece was already taken care of. Afterwards it was to the park to get the little one tuckered. On Sunday it was up and out bright and early, first to a park we’d never been to before, then to lunch at a popular restaurant, the bookstore, the garden store….whoo.

I can guarantee at least one of us was totally exhausted. We had a great weekend, spent a lot of time together, had fun, only a few tantrums, but man.

It wasn’t just the moving around and being busy and being physically tired.

I was constantly looking around.

Looking around at all the people.

And looking for the exit routes.

I’ve taken to planning my “escape route” when I am out in busy areas. The mall, for sure. Restaurants, yep. You’d think a park with so many young kids….but then there was the concert in Manchester yesterday.

I am constantly looking around. For my way out.

It’s exhausting and sad and scary, and I wish I could tell myself “oh, don’t worry, it won’t happen to us here” but that is what I am sure everyone says until it does happen to them there.

I wish I could enjoy my outings with my kids without the morbid voice in the back of my head guiding me to look for the closest exit in case a person comes in to do the unimaginable.

I’m not going to stop giving my kids freedom to run around in their neighborhood. I’m not going to stop taking them out and sharing in new experiences. I’m not going to wrap them in bubble wrap and put them away for safe keeping until it’s safe to come out….because when will that be?

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Have you ever seen the car commercial where the dad is putting his daughter in the backseat of the car, and she is just jabbering away and he’s trying to get to the drivers seat but is politely trying to wait for a break in her chatter?

There was no break in the chatter. So he just closes the door, gets in the front seat, and his daughter is still talking, seemingly unaware that her communication partner had ducked out for a second.

That is my child. Well, she’s not the one in the commercial. But she talks like her.

She is my jibber-jabberer.

I remember being SO excited to hear her first word. It is the millionth word in the past hour that I am not so excited about. Especially if I am listening to those words through the door of the bathroom.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s not constantly talking. But when she gets going- my word!, or in this case, my hundreds of words!- she just keeps going.

She also loves to talk at times when she shouldn’t be talking. Like when someone else is talking.

Or in class. Which was prominently featured in her most recent “report card”. She is a great student, does her work, does it well, loves to learn.

But the talking….

During quiet work time, during group work time, during hallway transition time, during centers time….ALL.THE.TIME.

Last night before bed we had our nightly “cuddle”, which consists of a hug and a check in before lights out. This is one of her favorite times to “get going”. She’ll go all evening with barely answering my questions, but then when it’s time to call it a good-night, she gets chatty. Last night she was particularly chatty, talking to me all about where she is in Harry Potter, the crazy thing her friend did, the crazy thing she did, how crazy her sister is, why is everybody so crazy…

While she’s talking I am gently pushing her back onto her bed and covering her up and she says, “Mommy, I’m talking too much, aren’t I?”

“Yes, Sweets, you are a bit chatty tonight. Time to rest your brain [so you can talk all day tomorrow].”

“I don’t know why I like to talk so much, why do you think I like to talk so much? Do you know anyone that likes to talk as much as me I don’t think anyone else talks as much as me but I’m going to try and not talk so much anymore”….talktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalk..

I silently back slowly out of the room, closing the door, listening as my sweet, sweet, child just will not stop talking.