A humorous view of politics, religion, human behavior, and insights toward everyday happenings by a single guy living in downtown Chicago.

Monday, April 13, 2009

More Somali Pirate Coverage

I got so tired of hearing nothing but coverage of Captain Phillips and the Somali pirates all weekend. Yes, I’m certainly glad that he and his crew escaped unharmed, but the news coverage was just way too extensive.

Anchor: “And now we will go to an exclusive interview with Captain Phillips’ cousin’s next-door neighbor for her reaction to today’s dramatic events . . .”

So, I came up with this little piece of satire

Phillips Family Elation Short Lived

Cheers erupted around the world today over the successful rescue of Captain Richard Phillips by navy SEALS after a five-day standoff with Somali pirates.

Meanwhile, residents of Phillips’ home town of Underhill, Vermont were elated over the Easter Sunday ‘miracle’ and have planned an honorary week-long celebration upon his return.

“We could not have asked for a more successful outcome,” said Maersk Shipping Line president, John Reinhart.

“As Captain Phillips’ employer, we couldn’t be more proud of the heroics and self-sacrifice that he displayed throughout this ordeal. The fact that he remained alone with his vessel so that seventeen shipmates could flee to safety just goes to show the caliber of employees that Maersk employs.”

Reinhart continued with his report:

“Unfortunately, with the decreased demand for U.S. products on the world market, Maersk has been forced to significantly reduce our fleet of container vessels in order to remain viable. While we greatly appreciate Captain Phillips’ heroicism, his position and staff were already part of our downsizing plan at the time of the incident.”

Reinhart continued: “Additionally, it has become financially unfeasible to insure our cargo vessels with Somali pirates having vowed retaliation after Navy SEALS shot and killed three of their members during the rescue.”

The Norfolk-based company has subsequently requested a 27 billion dollar bailout from the federal government in order to avoid bankruptcy.