Under attack by bees? This book might help

May 28, 2008|By -- Pam Becker

Life has its challenges, we know. You accidentally fall against a beehive you never noticed on the side of your house -- with predictable results. Eight telemarketers call while you're trying to prepare dinner, and your caller ID is kaput.

Now comes a book with some directions -- or at least, creative suggestions -- on how to handle such crises. "211 Things a Clever Girl Can Do," (Perigee, 279 pages, $15.95), by Bunty Cutler, lays out concise, scrupulously organized instructions in six sections: Staying Alive, Be Handy, Life of the Party, Fun and Games, Knock 'Em Dead and Alpha Woman.

The book had a May release date here and was published last year in Britain.

With some exceptions -- "How to Make a Little Black Dress Out of a Garbage Bag" comes to mind -- much of the advice in the book can transfer to the opposite sex. Here are some excerpts.

From "How to Escape a Vicious Swarm of Bees": "Running through bushes is a good way to slow down swarming bees, and a wind will make it harder for them, too. Switching on a leaf blower and blasting them with it is worth a try, but one tends to be too preoccupied with running and screaming to do much else in these bee escapades. If you must scream, keep your mouth closed. Being stung on or in the mouth may cause a swelling that can block your airway. ... Important warning: Never jump into water, because although bees are rotten swimmers they are excellent hoverers and will probably be waiting for you when you come up, gasping for air."

From "How to Pass Gas with Grace and Charm": "Letting one fly in public can be problematic in our modern -- civilized -- world. Loud traffic, music, and general hubbub can all provide a useful cover if timing is nicely judged, but they are not infallible. ... But get your timing right and things should be OK. Here are a few ideas.

The string quartet: The cello's con brio passages are the ones to look out for.

The applause ruse: Are they clapping for a speech? What better coverage?

From "How to Deal With Telemarketers": "Get hold of one of those toy karaoke machines, the kind that have a microphone and a mini amp connected to a speaker, switch it on, and put the microphone next to the earpiece and the speaker next to the mouthpiece. Your telemarketer will suddenly hear herself talking, as the phone's output is amplified back to itself, until a hideous shrieking howl builds up, and she is forced to hang up or go deaf."

From "How to Get the Top Off a Pickle Jar": "Put the triangular tip of an old-fashioned bottle opener underneath the lid and lever it away from the glass until the vacuum is broken. You'll hear a sigh as the air escapes. ... Rub your hand on your thigh (or someone else's thigh if you like) for about twenty seconds. You need to be wearing jeans or something similar. Your hand will become hot and you'll get a superb grip."

From "How to Pretend You Are Still in the Office When You're Really at the Bar": "The key to success here is to make your absence look temporary and short term. You need to establish and operate a two-coat/two-handbag/two-phone system: a fake one for the auditors and another for your surreptitious use. ... Leave your dummy cell phone very visibly on the desk. ... Obviously, nobody ever leaves the office without her cell phone. But switch it off in case anyone tries calling or texting you and it doesn't make a noise: a bit of a giveaway. ... Leave a decoy email on the screen with a half-finished sentence, such as: 'I'm just gathering the last bits from people so I can sort out your important.'"

From "How to Send Back a Meal at a Restaurant": "You can pay a portion if you feel, say, that one course was no good, and you can deduct a service charge that has been included, if service was poor. You can legally refuse to pay anything at all, if, for example, the food was late and wrong and cold, the leg came off your chair, and the waiter had poked you in the eye with a stick. Be clear why you feel justified in doing so and leave your name and a contact address."