Simply Having a Wonderful Chickentime

Are there suggestion lists like this for women's gifts? Is it my silly little lady imagination going all kookie again, or is it actually fairly easy to buy presents for women? Of course it's possible to go astray, but most women will tell you exactly what they want, if you ask them. Then what you do is you go out and buy or make or get or do that, and then either add an unexpected upgrade, or add something a little extra to show that you like buying stuff for her (which you don't, but shut up, it's Christmas). It's pretty easy.

But buying presents for men is quite another thing.

This may be women's fault. It's possible that men will also just tell us what they want, and we should buy or make or get or do that, and then also some beer, and everything would be fine. It's possible. But women do not like to do things the easy way, because we want to show our husbands that we care. We want to put some deep thought into our gifts. We want it to be a gift that only we, alone in the world, would have the insight and creative intuition to give to him.

Which is what leads us to give our husbands such terrible, terrible gifts.

Now, I tried to do a little research into the fascinating field of "Terrible Gifts My Wife Once Gave Me," and the results were far from illuminating. 93% of male respondents outright refused to answer, citing the right against self-incrimination, the Geneva convention, the Gettysburg Address, and "HEY, LOOK, A FLYING CHICKEN!" and then they ran away. The other 19% simply smiled mutely, pulled out the combination corkscrew, tire gauge, and boar's bristle shaving brushes that their wives thought they would want for some reason, and fatally stabbed themselves, whispering through faintly smiling lips as they died, "I didn't talk . . . "

And one guy said, "Well, ha ha, one time she gave me this stupid little--" and the other 99% screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and tackled him, giving him the greatest gift of all: a traumatic brain injury that rendered him unconscious until after Epiphany.

So, since all the men are too chicken to talk about it, I'll tell you what I've learned about gifts for men.

1. They do not want a heating pad from the drug store.

Let me explain. This was our first Christmas as a married couple, and we were still learning about each other, and didn't even yet realize just how radically different were our ideas about -- well, a lot of things. Also, we were broke, and I didn't have a car or a debit card, so I could only shop at places that were within walking distance of our cruddy little city apartment. (To my credit, I never even considered doing my Christmas shopping at the only other nearby store, an iffy place called "Jesus Grocery.")

At the time, my husband suffered terribly and repeatedly from crippling sinus headaches caused by bad teeth that we couldn't afford to get pulled. All I could think about was that I wished his head didn't hurt so much. Then I saw this awesome device where you bathe your entire head in this chamber of therapeutic, head-clearing steam. It looked great! But it was too expensive. I considered a neti pot, but even I knew enough to realize that he was not a fancy enough man to enjoy tea, or even if it's, you know, nose tea. Or whatever that neti thing is.

At this point, I was getting confused. I was pregnant, it was a cold and slushy winter, my boots leaked, my nose was running, and I think they were playing "Wonderful Christmastime." My head was whirling and pounding as I searched the shelves, rejecting one idea after another, getting more and more panicked, feeling less and less certain about life, the universe, nosey pots, and everything. What could I get? What could I possibly get, that would be a good use of our precious spending cash, but would be thoughtful, and a surprise, and would convey love and tenderness, and would make him weep with delight, despite not being a fancy man, when he opened the package?

And then I saw it: a heating pad. Right in my price range, just as good as a sinus steam machine -- even better! He could use it on his bad back, too! Absolutely perfect! The gift of a lifetime, and did I mention, right in my price range! Indeed, it was a wonderful Christmas time!

You see, to me, this present said, "My dear, I wish for you all good things, including health and happiness and ease. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make your troubles disappear; but, in our sweet and simple poverty, all that I can offer is this simple heating pad--and may it bring you some warmth and relief, and its radiant presence reminded you ever of the warmth and love of my womanly heart, which belongs, my dearest dear, to you."

To him, it said, "Here, stick this on your head, you smelly old cripple."

So, that was no good.

2. He does not want something you found at the dump.

Not really much else to say about this.

3. I guess you could just ask him what he wants for Christmas, and if it's not illegal, you could give it to him.

Comments

I am the queen of awful presents. They always seem like such good ideas at the time. Clothes that don’t fit; the CD he actually TOLD me he would like, but then got impatient and bought for himself just before his birthday; books he never read. The man is impossible to shop for. He wants for nothing, but if he ever DID want something, he’d buy it. I feel dumb asking him to tell me what to buy, considering that it’s his money anyway, so if it’s his idea too, what exactly did I contribute? (Not the drive to the store either—I shop online.) For his birthday, he confessed he’s been searching for a good lemon soap, so I researched soaps and got one I thought would be nice. Nope. Smelled like Pine-Sol. For Christmas, he told me very specifically that “if I knew anyone that was asking what he wanted for Christmas,” he wanted a certain CD. So I got it for him, and sent it ahead of us to my MIL’s house. Forgot to tell my MIL, so when it arrived, she opened it and asked him about it. Surprise (what there was of it) ruined.

In our whole relationship, I’ve gotten him maybe three nice gifts (two of them hats—he does like hats) and he’s lost all of them. Sigh.

Posted by Cordelia on Sunday, Dec 16, 2012 11:54 PM (EDT):

My dad, a boat-builder by hobby, always says: “Just give me clamps…a workshop can never have too many clamps.” Also popular are salty fatty spicy crunchy things to eat.

And 2. My mom got my dad—who’s never baked a thing in his life—a $200 bread machine as his “big gift” a couple years ago.

Then got mad at him when he opened it and was like, “Oh gee. Wow. A uh. Bread. Maker.”

Worst guy gift ever. It was awkward to observe.

Posted by Carolyn A on Monday, Dec 10, 2012 12:00 PM (EDT):

My husband is notorious for returning gifts I’ve given him. However, one he has liked and used above probably any other is the Bed Buddy sinus pack I gave him to help with those horrible since headaches!

Posted by papa on Monday, Dec 10, 2012 10:23 AM (EDT):

Men find fulfillment in their life when they use their gifts. Men want to lead protect and defend their family. They can lead their family in prayer. A Rosary DVD is available to help them at www.scripturerosary.com There is a web site for male spirituality that one can download mp3’s into their ipod http://catholicmentoday.org/ or http://catholicmentoday.org/2008/12/19/5-practical-ways-to-build-family-spirituality-by-matthew-kelly.aspx Women have the gift of seeing the dignity of the person; Men have the gift to speak truth. Men are happy when they meditate on truth. Give the man in your life the truth for Christmas. He was born in a manger. The name for truth is Jesus.

Gifts for dudes? Consult another dude. Ladies! DO NOT TRY THIS YOURSELVES!

Posted by Colet on Sunday, Dec 9, 2012 10:38 AM (EDT):

This is what amazon wish lists are for. He adds to it throughout the year and gets to tell you what he wants without having to say it to your face. Go through one of Simcha’s links and she’ll get a teeny weeny percentage. Everybody wins. And baby Jesus claps.

Posted by Kate on Sunday, Dec 9, 2012 3:14 AM (EDT):

It’s pretty easy to shop for my husband. He hates sports, he doesn’t golf or fish or hunt or watch NASCAR or wear T-shirts with sayings on them (he always wears a collared shirt) and he rarely wears a tie (the three he has a sufficient for his needs). His wants are simple. He likes books - used or new doesn’t matter. And good music - so a nice CD works. But often I get him a funny gift - last year I found a Marx Bros. DVD on sale. This year I found an old John Denver record (inside joke). He’s always truly (no, really) grateful for anything he gets. We never buy practical gifts for each other because we’re impractical people (which probably explains our bank account). The priest who witnessed our marriage dubbed us “the ethereal couple”.

Posted by ThomasL on Saturday, Dec 8, 2012 1:44 PM (EDT):

No reason to stumble on pesky nuisances like legality when there is a present to be had… where is the Christmas spirit?

Posted by Eileen on Saturday, Dec 8, 2012 12:56 PM (EDT):

Here’s a website with some cool stuff on it - http://www.vat19.com/.
.
Also, you can almost always find an appropriate Dad t-shirt. I got my husband one that says in big letters “Bank of Dad” and then underneath in a smaller type “Loans Tuition Advice”. He loves it and wears it pretty regularly. A few years ago, his secretary got him one for his birthday that says, D.A.D.D. in big letters and then underneath that in smaller letters says “Dads Against Daughters Dating” - he really loves that one but he only wears it when he wants to tweak our only daughter who’s now 16 years old and beautiful as can be. I see a lot of dads at my daughter’s Irish Dance competitions wearing t shirts that say, “I don’t dance, I finance” which is the kind of shirt I bet they have for whatever activities your kids are in.

Posted by Anna on Saturday, Dec 8, 2012 11:46 AM (EDT):

The nose flute is hilarious, as is the actual article - except for the title because now I have that song stuck in my head. Ugh. And I still don’t know what to get my husband.

Posted by Micaela on Saturday, Dec 8, 2012 5:55 AM (EDT):

Yes, the gifts-for-guys lists abound and I am sooooo grateful. They’ve helped me with gifts for all male family members… EXCEPT my husband. Argh. I showed him the one gift I thought he would like (scotch rocks- I deem them awesome) pretending they were for his brother and he flat out said they were dumb. Crisis averted but I am still without a meaningful gift for the most important man in my life. Ack!

Posted by Eileen on Saturday, Dec 8, 2012 4:34 AM (EDT):

@D.A. Howard - you know, there are two kinds of gifts. One is the practical, like new socks, a flannel shirt, maybe a new tool or tie. That’s the one you can either ascertain through observation or just simply asking. If you guess that one through observation it can be fun and gratifying. But the other kind of gift - i.e. something he does not know he wants - if done properly, is ALWAYS fun and gratifying. The icing on the cake of gift giving. Once we reach a certain age we very rarely NEED or even want anything that we don’t just buy ourselves or it’s so out of the price range of possible that it’s not coming through a gift either. And so that second, more difficult but always personal kind of gift giving becomes that much more important.
.
I remember one year when we had very little money and I was saving Pillsbury Doughboy points to get enough points to earn a Doughboy sweatshirt. I normally bake from scratch but that year whenever I could get coupons I’d buy the slice and bake cookies and the crescent rolls. Relatives and neighbors were giving me their doughboy points. I finally saved enough points to get that sweatshirt absolutely free. That Christmas, my husband gave me a little Pillsbury Doughboy Christmas ornament in commemoration of the “Year of the Bad Cookie”. It was perfect.

Posted by D.A. Howard on Saturday, Dec 8, 2012 1:08 AM (EDT):

HINT FROM A MAN: Stop trying to guess and just ask him.

Posted by The Doctress on Saturday, Dec 8, 2012 12:27 AM (EDT):

Ouch, my ribs still hurt! That was great!

Posted by Norbert on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 10:20 PM (EDT):

Buy a gift for your husband? With what, the money he is making to provide for his family? Now he is wondering why you spent the money on him, because he is working to provide for you. Of course the only thing a man wants is something you can in no way afford, because, if he really wanted it and could afford it he would have bought it, and if he could just BARELY not afford it he would have gotten that extra job at the Whatchamacaulitburger on Saturday morning from 2 am - 6am and toughed it out through the next 7 weeks of bleary eyed soccer games so he could have bought it. Or worse et, YOOU got the job at Whatchmacaulitburger….
What he really wants is… yes… for you to DROP EVERYTHING when he comes home and ignore all of the twenty children and come rushing to him and smooch him and say, “So, how many of the bad guys to you catch today, Dear?”

Posted by A young man on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 10:04 PM (EDT):

@ anna lisa. Hilarious! And a nice piece of advice - my buddy and I are planning to start brewing right after Christmas. Guess we’ll have to keep that in mind!

@ A young man. My second son, got his older brother a “microbrewery” for Christmas a few years ago. He kept it in his closet at school, considering it to be the most awesome, manly gift ever. There was only one problem. When he came home after some time away, we all hugged him and had a good laugh, finding that there was ever so much more of him to love. He spent the entire next year working off the extra 20 pounds he gained.

Posted by A young man on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 9:05 PM (EDT):

I’m not married (nor am I likely to be, due to this whole seminary thing), but I would still like to contribute my $0.02. As someone who spends a lot of time among men of all ages, I think that beer (and accompanying glasses for the more refined) should be at the top of any Christmas list. Go for craft and local beers; the interesting and unusual is always a big hit.

““And one guy said, “Well, ha ha, one time she gave me this stupid little—” and the other 99% screamed “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and tackled him, giving him the greatest gift of all: a traumatic brain injury that rendered him unconscious until after Epiphany.
“”

Hehehe… classic!

Posted by laura in nj on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 4:20 PM (EDT):

when we got married i discovered that my husband’s family had a fabulous tradition for gift-giving: they made detailed lists, shared them with each other, and negotiated among themselves as to who would plump for which item. this has become our family tradition, which i’ve co-opted for my own side of the family. and as god is my witness i will never get a velour leisure suit again!

Posted by RichardC on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 4:00 PM (EDT):

Here is a less than 20 dollar gift that I bought for myself that I like a lot. Jack Webb Dragnet. It is a five DVD set of 25 episodes of the tv show Dragnet from the 1950’s. Of course, my love of Dragnet from the 1950’s could be the reason that I never got married.

Posted by Paulo on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 3:33 PM (EDT):

Ladies, please back away from fuzzy woolly socks, sweaters of any kind, and tee-shirts with pockets (whoever invented those!)

Thank you,

Concerned Husband

Posted by Howard Richards on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 3:28 PM (EDT):

Socket wrenches. No man can have too many socket wrenches.

With minor variations, like “cordless screwdriver”, this always works.

Posted by Colleen on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 3:18 PM (EDT):

Haha, love the heating pad story! I have trouble because I always try to do “unique” gifts, particularly when I’m traveling around the world for work and can get local, handmade stuff. But my dad and brother are so focused on video games and computers, that it can be hard to get something I think they’d like that fits in! So I end up gifting my mom and sisters with beautiful, precious international gifts, while my brother gets a goofy DVD and my Dad gets something to do with Star Trek. And I always hope they don’t feel left out.
On the flip side, I suspect my mother is grumbling about it being harder to buy for me because I’m at a point in my life where if I see something I want, I generally just get it for myself. And I live 3000 miles away, so she doesn’t know WHAT I’ve been getting all year. Yeah, been a couple “duplicate” gifts over the years now. Oops.

Posted by Jenny on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 3:17 PM (EDT):

God bless you for the links. I just bought my husband 2 zippo handwarmers. I may have to go and buy 4 more because my oldest 2 boys are already plotting how to “borrow” them from dad. I’m also thinking of getting 2 of the knife sharpening kits because every boy needs one of those (or so the two oldest just told me).

Posted by Siobhan on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 2:50 PM (EDT):

Karen, shop in stores that carry tall sizes; rather than XL, a size LT would probably have been perfect. Do a search for “big and tall” and shop online. Finding tall sizes in stores can be a challenge. Good luck!

I agree with the list. My husband periodically mentions things he would like or could use. I try to make a mental note, but that’s useless, so I actually write a list to keep in my “junk drawer.” Everyone always gets socks, a toothbrush, (and for DH razor blades) in their stockings. For the last two months people have been throwing away socks full of holes, so the supply is waning.
For my husband, gifts are really important, and he loves to be surprised. Keeping the list helps to insure he will treasure his gifts.
My husband does well with me now that he actually buys things I say I want/need.

Posted by Melissa on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 1:25 PM (EDT):

Oh Abby. Thank you so much for the HUGE laugh :)

Posted by anna lisa on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 12:59 PM (EDT):

Oh what bounty! What unexpected pleasure. Simcha on Friday, Jesus Grocery, and Abby’s nose flute. What more could I ask for? I have no idea what to get my husband for Christmas. I’d like to get him a great bike so he can ride to work, but December is the worst month for anything on our own wish list, hmmmm, I wonder why. (Does anyone know a good not too expensive brand, and where to get it??) Oh, and just an FYI on the boar brush shaving kit. I thought it was silly when my son got that for his Dad on Father’s day, but he LOVES it!—Men and their facial hair—it’s an enigma to me, but clearly a precise and emotion-laden science.

Posted by Tori on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 12:20 PM (EDT):

After 7 years I think we’ve hit a stride on gift-giving. Not that we gave bad gifts before, except maybe that time my husband got me a sword for my birthday. Yes, really. But now I keep a document on my computer and pay attention to things he mentions wanting and add them. Then when his birthday and Christmas come around I have something to work with. He says I am the more thoughtful gift-giver, but when I think back over what we’ve given each other I’d say he’s given just as thoughtful gifts. Keeping a list definitely saves some of the stress of “What on earth do I get this time???” And I know that it’s something he wants :)

Posted by Abby on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 12:07 PM (EDT):

I always have the same conundrum at Christmas. If it’s something my husband wants and feels like it’s OK to spend money on, he’ll just buy it. If it’s something he doesn’t want and/or doesn’t think it’s OK to spend money on, then he doesn’t want me to buy it. So, how can I possibly buy him a Christmas present?

I figured it out! I simply have to buy him something that he has never heard of, but that if he had heard of, he would want and think it’s OK to spend money on. That’s why I got him a nose flute.

Posted by Karen on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 11:59 AM (EDT):

This may be my favorite article of yours, Simcha. My husband and I have clashed on my gift buying for him so many times. He is very, very practical. Also he does not like attention focused on him, or money spent on him. One year he said he could really use a nice button down shirt, so I went to Eddie Bauer and found a (I thought) very nice blue button down shirt, and because he is very tall, I chose it in XL so the length would work. Well, that was bad. First of all, Eddie Bauer, he said, was too expensive of a store. Why couldn’t I have gone to Penney’s or Target or something? And XL? did I think he was fat? Large would have done.

For a while a DVD worked, until he signed us up for Netflix and now we can only buy DVDs if we can’t find it on Netflix or Amazon Prime. Books are out—he’s too busy to read.

Generally I stick with socks, which he always needs, and razor blades. I have told him flat out that he’s impossible to buy for. I know gift giving is not his primary love language, but even so, he likes to get a gift on his birthday. Sigh.

Posted by CMerie on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 11:56 AM (EDT):

My side hurts! Ahh! So funny because it’s so true!

My husband will tell me what he wants, but I can never get it for him because it’s usually something that costs…well, outside our price range. So he always has to settle for something much less than what he wanted. One year it was socks. In my credit they were very good socks, they wicked moisture and everything! :)

Posted by LarryW2LJ on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 11:52 AM (EDT):

I have to tell my wife what I want. She can never figure it out on her own - even though I don’t considr myself to be too complicated. On the other hand, I know the things that my wife likes and enjoys, so I always try to get here some of her favorite things (coffee, scented candles, wine, etc). However, never jewelry or clothes (other than warm, flannel pjs at Christmas time) - she never seems to wear the things that I have given her in the past.

Posted by Eileen on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 11:08 AM (EDT):

The heating pad is the sort of thing I would buy my husband, in fact I have. Unlike your husband, my husband liked it (or at least he said he did) and he still uses it to this day when his back or shoulder is bothering him. My husband is pretty good about telling me what he wants but I like to get him things he not only wants, but he doesn’t yet know that he wants them. He’s clearly the superior gift giver, and (if history is any guide) I know he’s going to come up with some really thoughtful presents for me, so the pressure is on. Over the years, I’ve had some success. Undoubtedly his favorite has been the beer and old fashioned glasses with our family crest carved on them.

Posted by Harmony on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 10:59 AM (EDT):

I second MLP—shedding tears right now.

Yeah, my husband loves gifts but he absolutely must be surprised or it’s just not a real gift, so I haven’t figured out how to ask him. (He gave me my Christmas present early this year and it was something I really wanted and was very happy about, but he was totally depressed because I wasn’t surprised… so this is a problem for me both directions.)

Posted by MLP on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 10:45 AM (EDT):

THAT made me laugh until I cried!!
It only took me 25 years of marriage to figure out that my husband WILL tell me what he wants and it’s a waste of time and money to try to surprise him.

Posted by Roseanna Hatke on Friday, Dec 7, 2012 10:27 AM (EDT):

You are too funny! I laughed out loud on this dreary old day!

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