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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Senator and Antichrist Ted Cruz, powered by a surge of support from fanatical evangelical Christians, dealt a humbling loss to Donald J. Trump in the Iowa caucuses on Monday, throwing into question the depth of support for Mr. Trump’s unconventional candidacy.

In the first contest of what so far has been more a populist revolt against the political order than a traditional Republican primary, part-time Senator Marco Rubio of Florida finished a strong third, bolstering his case to consolidate the support of Republicans uneasy about the two top finishers and so desperate that they will back a man-child with the mind of a teenager instead of face the reality of a Trump or Cruz candidacy.

Christian organizations all across Iowa celebrated the Cruz victory by crucifying gay couples in remote cornfields and sending their adopted children to Jesus, Inc. reeducation camps run by Hobby Lobby and Chick-fil-A

“To God be the glory,” Mr. Cruz told jubilant supporters. “Tonight is a victory for religious kooks all across this great nation. Tonight is a victory for both naive fools that actually believe what I’m saying, and brain-dead Tea Party hayseed twits all across Iowa.”

Chairman Necromancer McSnead of the popular Iowa Christians for a Violent Overthrow of the Federal Government, a splinter group of the American Taliban Association, wholeheartedly agreed.

“When Ted gains power we can go back to executing gays, negroes, and poor people in the village square just like in the good old days of the Middle Ages,” McSnead told Katy Tur of MSNBC. “That’s what Jesus would want.

“We understand that Ted has to bide his time and actually pretend to be reasonable while running his campaign, but we all look forward to him seizing power and turning the federal government into an oppressive theocracy that smothers all progressive ideas and jails all dissenters. Anyone with any sense knows that’s how the ultra right-wing Christian founders wanted it to be, and if we have to make a pact with the Son of Satan to achieve it, then so be it. We just can’t wait to live in the Saudi Arabia of the West!”

Meanwhile, almost every decent human being in the United States and around the world hopes that Cruz will fall flat on his ass in New Hampshire and Trump or Rubio will come out the victor.

Even elected Republican officeholders are lining up against Cruz.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) told Fox News that he would rather see “a diseased goat” as president rather than Cruz. “Ted Cruz redefines what it means to be an asshole. He’s a walking, talking hemorrhoid. He can’t assume room temperature soon in enough if you ask me.”

With the New Hampshire primary only days away, we won’t have long to wait to see who comes out on top, the fascist, the man-child, or the Antichrist himself.

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – During a brief, hastily called news conference outside Ames, Jesus of Nazareth expressed his extreme displeasure with Iowans who believe that Marco Rubio is the Second Coming of the popular religious figure.

“That man-child from Cretinville couldn’t manage a rest area on the interstate, much less a universe,” said an angry Prince of Peace. “He may have pulled the wool over the eyes of a bunch of ethanol-crazed hayseeds, but as we move on to other states, that kind of shit just won’t fly.”

Rubio, a part-time senator from Florida and candidate for the GOP presidential nomination, has been called many things in the course of his ascendance from state senator to potential loser to Hillary Clinton: youthful, energetic, a lawn sprinkler, “his party’s best hope,” and the “dud” from the old board game Mystery Date.

Time magazineeven called him “The Republican Savior,” as Fox News’s Bret Baier reminded him during Thursday night’s G.O.P. debate, during part of a pointed question about his fall from polling grace. But make no mistake: the presumptive front-runner-in-waiting does not think he’s Jesus.

Rubio, who appeared at the debate with a cross strapped to his back and wearing a crown of thorns, said that he did not want to give the impression that he thinks he is a savior, lord, redeemer, or anything of the sort.

“It’s close, but I’m not the Lamb of God,” said the famously modest Rubio, as sweat poured from his forehead. “I’m just a normal guy with the ambition of a rabid honey badger and the intelligence of a bivalve. Believe you me, if I was Jesus, I’d turn this water I’m chugging into Gatorade,” chuckled the perpetually dehydrated charlatan.

Jesus has apparently not been too pleased with the comparisons and promised that Rubio would wish he had never been born by the time he was finished with him.

“I don’t know who he thinks he’s messing with, but he won’t be smiling when he finds himself standing next to Fred Phelps while getting a pineapple shoved up his ass every ten minutes,” said the visibly irritated King of Kings.

“As for the residents of Iowa, they better get their asses down to Ken Ham’s insane asylum down in Petersburg, Kentucky, and board that lifeboat he’s building to scam money from all those gullible religious kooks. I plan on kicking off the festivities with a tsunami that’ll make the one in Japan look like a kiddie pool. Then it’s gonna be fire and brimstone time. It’s not smart to screw around with the Son of Man.”

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop in Iowa last week, Wisconsin governor and presidential candidate Scott Walker promised a fawning crowd of over 3000 supporters that if elected, he would finally find time to get an education.

“I want to be known as an ‘educated president,’ not some dumbass who has no clue what the fuck he’s doing,” said Walker. “I’m sure that once I’m elected I’ll be able to find time to take some courses in remedial English, civics, and even a little history. Bob Jones University has even offered me a scholarship!

“It’s important for the president to be the leader of the entire country, not just a bunch of hicks that want to do away with the entire federal government. I’d like to be able to say that I can lead the enlightened as well as the idiotic.”

According to aides, Governor Walker spends a great deal of his free time reading children’s books so he can boost his comprehension level past that of preschooler with encephalitis.

Walker, who has conducted an all-out war on higher education since becoming governor of Wisconsin, has been criticized for his lack of understanding of complex issues.

“Walker shows almost no grasp of any concept taught past the 8th grade,” said Wisconsin Education Association Council president Betsy Kippers. “He doesn’t know if he believes in evolution, he doesn’t know if homosexuality is a choice, and he doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. The bastard barely knows his right from his left. He’s an idiot.”

Governor Walker stirred up controversy in February when he stupidly compared protesting teachers and their supporters with terrorists threatening to ‘blow up America.’ But lately he’s been trying to soften his image and appeal to Americans who actually graduated from high school.

“I want to do more than just bust up teacher’s unions, abolish abortion, and deny health care to the poor,” said Walker. “I want to learn how to play checkers, for example.”

When asked by reporters whether he would take any courses in science so he could tell the difference between weather and climate, photosynthesis and Photoshop, a blastocoel and a blast radius, and a zebra from a zygote, Walker replied, “Oh no, we Republicans are Christians and don’t practice the ‘black arts.’ We leave that to Satan and his minions.”

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – At a rest area somewhere near Compost, Iowa this morning Hillary Clinton paused as she was exiting the men’s restroom to tell a group of near-rabid, obsessive-compulsive journalists that if elected she planned on banning executive oversight and investigative committees in both houses of Congress, along with the Office of the Special Prosecutor in D.C.

When asked what would happen if the executive branch operated without any supervision Hillary responded, “What difference does it make?”

The Democrat candidate said that she would do this by executive order on her first day in office and the actions would be taken to reduce waste in government and save taxpayers’ money.

“I really don’t see the need for members of Congress to spend months going over the same old shit trying to dig up dirt on our president,” said Clinton. “The president has better things to do than worry about deleting emails, erasing tapes, and ‘disappearing’ key witnesses. Besides, the citizens of the United States elected these bozos to bring back subsidies for huge corporations, give tax breaks to the wealthiest members of our society, and get funding for bridges to nowhere so a few jobs can be created in their districts.”

“I think that if members of Congress were to just concentrate on what the hell they were elected to do, we could reduce the number of days they are in session by about half and drastically cut their salaries and expenses. That would really help the federal government’s bottom line,” said Clinton.

When a reporter from the New York Times asked Clinton who would then provide oversight of the executive branch, an agitated Alphonso Bedoya, Clinton Campaign Hispanic Vote Liaison Officer, told him what he thought of executive oversight committees.

“Oversight? To god-damned hell with oversight! We have no oversight. In fact, we don’t need no oversight. I don’t have to show you any stinking oversight, you god-damned cabron and ching tu madre!”

Clinton then thanked the journalists, jumped in her van, and sped off too her next campaign fundraiser at Jim Bob’s Pork and Corn Barbecue Palace in Steaming Excrement Springs just outside Cedar Rapids.

CJ “Buttplug” Grisham, president and CEO of Open Carry Texas, came out in favor of issuing gun permits to the blind, the mentally deranged, and people suffering from advanced Alzheimer’s.

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Although most Americans are no longer surprised by the idiotic policy positions taken by gun advocate groups such as the NRA, the public was somewhat taken aback this week when the powerful and apparently unhinged organization came out in favor of issuing “open carry” permits to blind people.

Earlier this week, a commentator for NRA News raised eyebrows with a video making the case for letting the blind and other inappropriate groups of people legally carry guns in public. Most Americans don’t agree, a new HuffPost/YouGov poll shows.

Open Carry Texas has long advocated issuing open carry permits to psychotics and the criminally insane

In fact, only 23 percent of Americans said it should be legal for the blind to own guns at all, while 51 percent said it should be illegal. Democrats (62 percent to 12 percent) and independents (50 percent to 25 percent) were more likely to oppose allowing the blind to own guns.

If the NRA gets its way, even Alzheimer’s patients will be issued permits to carry automatic weapons

Republicans, being Republicans, showed less wisdom on the issue and were fairly evenly split, with 33 percent in favor, 34 percent opposed and 33 percent not sure. Which begs the question, how can one not be sure whether a fucking blind person should be allowed to own a gun?

Even fewer Americans said the blind should be able to obtain permits to carry guns in public.

Only 16 percent said they support open-carry permits for the blind, while 66 percent said they were opposed. Seventy-seven percent of Democrats, and 63 percent of independents said they were against it. Even Republicans showed a modicum of common sense on the issue, with 55 percent saying they were against allowing the blind to carry guns outside the home.

Creepy NRA Vice President Vincent “Price” Magillicuddy, who refuses to leave the safety of his underground bunker, wholeheartedly agrees with LaPierre’s proposals. Magillicuddy, who was a ventriloquist before serving a stint in an insane asylum in Great Britain, lives with his cancerous cat Toby and only communicates through a life-like doll named Simon.

However, what may be most disturbing to the sane members of the American public is that the video also called for the government to issue free open carry permits to mental patients, Alzheimer’s sufferers, teens, children and even toddlers, as long as they were white. The NRA seemed to draw a line at allowing infants, black people, Hispanics, or other minorities to own or carry guns.

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre told a gathering of reporters that “The only thing that insures the future of our fragile republic is advanced weaponry in the hands of ordinary citizens, and we don’t want to discriminate against any people we are not already discriminating against. Therefore we advocate issuing permits basically for anyone who has a pulse and is white.”

When a reporter told LaPierre that gun fatalities will surpass even automobile accidents as the number one cause of accidental death in America over the next few years, LaPierre said, “You don’t actually believe those statistics do you?”

An NRA splinter group, Nuns With Guns, has pushed for open carry permits across the U.S. for over a decade now. It seems that pulling a rifle or assault weapon from under a habit takes “too damn much time.” Sally Field, spokesperson for the group, told Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that “When confronted with someone who needs to meet Jesus in person, reaction time is critical.”

“Those misleading figures have been compiled by the same homosexual scientists that are part of the worldwide conspiracy to convince us that the climate is changing. Those cretins are out to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. It’s a travesty!”

Although the demands of the NRA will almost assuredly not be met on a national basis, the organization is optimistic that individual state governments will be stupid and foolhardy enough to go along. Iowa has already begun issuing gun permits to the blind, and states such as Texas and Georgia have embraced a “guns for anyone who can hold one in his demented hand” policy.

“We feel like that through a combination of well placed bribes, political pressure, and out and out blackmail, we can pressure weak minded Tea Party states into accepting our absurd and dangerous proposals,” said LaPierre.

On a related note, Walmart announced that it has bought over five million Kevlar vests from China that will be on sale soon at discounted prices throughout the southeast.