Jokes About The News (From A TV Submission Packet)

The CEO of rideshare app company Lyft admitted the company loses as much as $50 million a month. And out of instinct, every single Lyft driver automatically responded: “I didn’t find it in my car.”

The city of Detroit denied a local company’s request to store metallurgical coke, a by-product of burning coal, near the Detroit River. Which is odd, because if I was looking for dirty coke, the Detroit waterfront is the first place I would look.

The 2016 Emmy Award nominations were announced last week, and the show with the most nominations was American Crime Story: The People Versus OJ Simpson. Which is why it’s no surprise that there’s already a sequel series in the works about the second biggest crime of the ‘90s: (brief montage: MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, Sinbad, all wearing parachute pants, followed by a title: “AMERICAN FASHION CRIME STORY: THE PEOPLE VS. PARACHUTE PANTS”)

The real, actual Kato Kaelin will be at the Emmys this year, and anyone who wants to will get the chance to meet him. You’ll have to pay five, ten bucks. But all you have to do is, on Emmy night, drive down to the Microsoft Theater, turn off Olympic onto Figueroa, right up to a sign that says “Valet Parking,” and just get out and hand him your keys.

NBC, the exclusive network of the 2016 Summer Olympics, stirred up criticism from sports reporters and fans when they announced that they would air the Olympic Opening Ceremonies on a one-hour delay. Proving that even when NBC is the only network airing something, they can still find a way to be in last place.

During Major League Baseball’s All-Star Break, Commissioner Rob Manfred announced that the National League batting title would be named “The Tony Gwynn,” in honor of the late, great Padres’ Hall of Famer. While the American League batting title will be named “The Gold’s Gym Locker Room,” in honor of Yankees’ great Alex Rodriguez and the place where he first bought steroids.

The Shangri-La Ranch in New River, Arizona, hosted the first annual Nude Games. For the most part it went off well, although half a dozen men were hospitalized following the pole vault.

Blink-182 just scored their second-ever number one album a full fifteen years after their first. The band attributes their success partly to working hard and never giving up, but mostly to making music that no one under the age of 40 would steal.

Bernie Sanders was booed by a crowd of his supporters during a speech where he endorsed Hillary Clinton and said that the most important job ahead was beating Donald Trump. When asked, his supporters said they weren’t as upset about his endorsement of Hillary as they were about having to hold a job.

The official roster of speakers for the Republican National Convention in Cleveland was announced, and it includes a variety of religious figures to appeal to a wide range of preference for all different brands of worship. For instance, if you’re Christian, Jerry Falwell, Jr. will be speaking. For the Jews, they booked Rabbi Haskel Lookwell. And for Donald Trump, they’re just going to bring out a full-length mirror.

Rangers in Olympia, Washington’s National Park warned visitors to stay away from the park’s mountain goats because they’re unpredictable, and have nasty tempers and strong powerful bodies that could cause severe physical damage. Which also happens to be advice my dad once gave me about dating strippers.

The Arizona State Supreme Court ruled this week that the mere odor of marijuana is grounds for police to get a search your car for drugs. Other valid grounds include a backseat full of empty Taco Bell wrappers and being Willie Nelson’s tour bus.