Today has been a very emotional day….given most days are but today I stopped taking my Oxycodene and I now can feel. Some people would avoid feeling the pain at all costs but we learned from Ty that you have to go through it to heal. I can’t take pills forever…I mean I could but then life would just be a long numb road. I prefer to feel the pain, just means I loved that much. It hurts like hell but I rather feel then be so numb to everything. That is no way to live.

I sometimes wonder if he suffered, I mean his poor body was so swollen by the end, they told us the morphine and sedation wouldn’t make him feel anything and he sure didn’t show any signs of pain ever but then I wonder if the morphine and sedation lead to his death? The thing I don’t understand is he came out crying, which we were told was a good sign, they said his lungs were better then expected, he was trying to breathe on his own but I don’t understand why he had to be on the ventilator. If he needed help couldn’t they have lessened the pressure to prevent blowing a hole in his lungs? I really hope they mean it when they say he felt no pain. I feel guilty for being selfish and wanting to spend time with him, I’d like to think he chose to spend time with us and really was never in any pain and passed away peacefully. This experience is completely opposite of Ty, it brings on a whole new set of regrets and questions. We chose not to get an autopsy again, there is no way after what my baby went through I was letting anyone touch him or cut him open even more. We know we aren’t going to try again so what was the point? It can’t change the past and it won’t change the future. If none of the blood tests show anything well that’s fine. We ultimately know this time what caused his death, we’ll never understand why but we know what and that’s good enough for us. Even if the doctors did do something that ultimately contributed to his death, we are so thankful they helped keep him alive for 2 days.

I feel horrible, I am so deeply in my grief with Jacob I feel like Ty is in the background. All I think about all day long is Jacob, it’s only been a few days but it seems like it was so long ago that I held him. I’m so thankful we took video in addition to pictures. I can’t watch them yet but I know they’re there when I want to see them.

When we first found out we were pregnant with Jacob I remember my body tried to hold back the excitement, I was afraid we’d lose the baby and I would have become attached. If I only knew now what I knew back then. We knew we were most likely going to lose Jacob and that only made me fall even more in love with him. It made the pain of losing him worse but that’s what you get when you love someone so much, the risk of the pain of losing them.

I sometimes wonder if we had given him a few more days if he would have bounced back, but it looked so grim and he looked so at peace, we didn’t want to keep him from his brother for our selfish reasons, he let us know he was okay and we let him know it was okay to go be with Ty. My mind will always wonder if we had kept him on a few more days if he would have come back…it’s just something it will do, just like my mind always wonders had I gone to the birthing centre the weekend before we lost Ty when I noticed his movements had decreased if he would have been saved.

Stephen and I decided that at the funeral, we would have a closed casket but like last time, Stephen will carry him in and we will have a few moments alone with Jacob, at that time Stephen and I will open his casket and give him one last kiss. When we had Ty’s funeral we never opened the casket and I really regretted that. I always wondered if they had actually dressed him in what we gave him and how he looked. So this time, we will open his casket and take a picture (some may think that’s strange but oh well, it’s what I want to do) and give him one final kiss. He is and always will be perfect in our eyes, just like Ty. I want to give him one last kiss and I think knowing I can see him one last time makes me a bit more at peace. At least for this week, once we bury him I’m sure I’ll want nothing more than to see him again. We also decided to go in Monday and spend some more time with him. I don’t want any regrets so I want to make sure I do what I feel like doing and spending some more time with him is what I want. Maybe dress him in his burial outfit and sing to him once more, give him a bunch of kisses, love on him one more time.

We went to drop some things off at the funeral home and the person we dealt with yesterday (who wasn’t the nicest) wasn’t there and we had to speak with someone else. Of course, out of all the names and people who would help us his name happened to be Jacob…that most certainly brought the tears.

I wish I didn’t need all the pain meds after surgery, it feels like everything was a blur. I am so thankful we have so many photos and videos because it really seems like it never happened. It happened all so quickly and it was all such a haze….I wish I could go back and be completely drug free, I don’t care how much pain I would have been in…he would have been worth it.

We have decided for peace of mind we will request a copy of the medical certificate to see what happened. We also want to meet with the doctors to find out what exactly happened because I need to have some closure and right now I do not understand why Jacob is not here. He came out crying which they said was a good sign, we know he had some lung tissue and it looked a lot better than expected so what happened? How did it go downhill? Why is he not here? I know they said anything can happen in the first 72 hours and maybe we should have stayed with him the whole time. It was just so hard having to recover myself.