How many people have YOU slept with?

Ever notice how people put an emphasis on ‘you’ when they’re asking for sexual statistics? “Have you ever had sex upside down in a divers’ cage whilst being fanned by circling sharks?” Well, no. But if I could, I would. One of the most common questions of this type is the one that involves how many people you’ve slept with. How many people have you slept with? The verbal italics of ‘you’ being frankly accusatory. No one’s asked me that in a long time, so I was a little surprised when an on-line acquaintance did the other night. “I know this isn’t any of my business, but how many people have YOU slept with?”

Since we’d been talking about a man who’d raped a sex worker and then been charged with armed robbery for “theft of services”, it seemed out of context—to me, anyway. For others, talking about sex in any context is an invitation to ask about my sex life. I’m not shy about my sexuality and experiences, have at it. What I do take issue with, however, is the underlying assumption that I should be embarrassed about who I’ve slept with, how many, and what I’ve done with them. Yeah, not happening.

For the record: Lots and lots. And probably a good bit more than that. Okay, that sounds like an exaggeration even to me, but you get the idea. I stopped counting when I was a teenager, and I really couldn’t give an educated guess as to how many. More women than men, I believe, though maybe the guys were less than memorable. No clue. No, really.

Years ago, I might have had a twinge of something like guilt. Back when I was still struggling with preconceived notions myself. Having a brain and being a logical kind of person has eradicated most of those stupidities, thankfully. I can have sex with who I want, when I want, and never feel bad about it, so don’t expect contrition. You won’t get it.

4 Comments

It still surprises me how often ‘the number’ comes up in online conversations. I think there is a genuine element of titillation for many in either disclosing their number or hearing it from someone else.

To me, it’s just a data point like how many pairs of shoes do you have, or how many times have you bought a new copy of Dark Side of the Moon.