UPROXX » justin halpernhttp://uproxx.com
The Culture Of What's BuzzingSun, 02 Aug 2015 20:28:43 +0000enhourly1http://wordpress.com/http://1.gravatar.com/blavatar/bae760df0e3bd64e122a0b36facaee58?s=96&d=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.wp.com%2Fi%2Fbuttonw-com.png » justin halpernhttp://uproxx.com
The Unofficial ‘Magic Mike’ Fan Club Reacts To The ‘Magic Mike XXL’ Trailerhttp://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2015/02/the-unofficial-magic-mike-fan-club-reacts-to-the-magic-mike-xxl-trailer-a-conversation/
http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2015/02/the-unofficial-magic-mike-fan-club-reacts-to-the-magic-mike-xxl-trailer-a-conversation/#commentsWed, 04 Feb 2015 20:45:03 +0000http://uproxx.com/?p=786824 Burnsy and I are such C-Tates enthusiasts that we feel personally invested in his career. His success is ours, in some way. Justin Halpern and I had originally planned to see Magic Mike at the Castro Theater in San Francisco on opening night, just to be in the proper atmosphere for it.]]>

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Around these parts, we’ve made no secret of the fact that we’re massive fans of Magic Mike. Burnsy and I are such C-Tates enthusiasts that we feel personally invested in his career. His success is ours, in some way. Justin Halpern and I had originally planned to see Magic Mike at the Castro Theater in San Francisco on opening night, just to be in the proper atmosphere for it. Our plans fell through, and we saw it separately, but the film itself was still better than we could’ve ever imagined. We’ve been waiting breathlessly for tidbits about the sequel ever since. With today’s release of the trailer for Magic Mike XXL (they wowed us yet again with the title), it was a big day for us.

Here is a Magic Mike XXL reaction from us, the Magic Mike superfans.

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JUSTIN: Whoever is behind Magic Mike XXL knows how to put together a f*ckin trailer amirite??? Checks all the boxes, friends.

BURNSY: I was having a typical dumb morning, anchored by having to write about Entourage and Kevin Dillon’s melting turtle face, and then I watched C-Tates use a metal bar as his penis while dancing to “Pony” and the world is too good for us.

JUSTIN: He couldn’t resist the dancing! He wanted to just make furniture but the dancing TOOK OVER. It still kills me that McConaughey isn’t in this. It’s like going back to eat the best pizza you’ve ever had and they tell you they use multi-grain crust now: I’ll probably still like it, but it’s different, ya know?

VINCE: I like that he’s “grinding,” literally, using skills acquired while “grinding,” figuratively. Like, of COURSE he can build custom furniture, have you seen him shake his dick?

JUSTIN: Good point. Never even thought of that. Working on multiple levels here. I hope that scene isn’t even in the movie and they were like “This is too good not to shoot.”

JUSTIN: Also, does this cement “Pony” as one of the greatest stripping songs of all time? I mean, it’s 15 years old and it still demands respect in this trailer.

BURNSY: If there’s a stripper song HOF, Pony is a first ballot with Girls, Girls, Girls.

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Magic Mike XXL opens July 1st. Expect us to write about it many, many more times before then.

Someday Channing Tatum is going to hang out with us and it’s going to be awesome.

]]>http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2015/02/the-unofficial-magic-mike-fan-club-reacts-to-the-magic-mike-xxl-trailer-a-conversation/feed/45magic_mike_xxl_xlgvinceuproxxmagic_mike_xxl_xlgThe FilmDrunk Frotcast 2014: Only The Best Partshttp://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/12/the-filmdrunk-frotcast-2014-only-the-best-parts/
http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/12/the-filmdrunk-frotcast-2014-only-the-best-parts/#commentsThu, 25 Dec 2014 18:56:35 +0000http://uproxx.com/?p=756774 download as an mp3 here (right click, save as). The Frotcast is off this week for Christmas, but FEAR NOT. Thanks to this year’s Most Valuable Listener, Token, we have an awesome “Best of 2014″ Greatest Hits Frotcast to share with all of you. It’s like a normal podcast, but with even MORE inside jokes and LESS context.]]>

The Frotcast is off this week for Christmas, but FEAR NOT. Thanks to this year’s Most Valuable Listener, Token, we have an awesome “Best of 2014″ Greatest Hits Frotcast to share with all of you. It’s like a normal podcast, but with even MORE inside jokes and LESS context. Exactly what you need.

]]>http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/12/the-filmdrunk-frotcast-2014-only-the-best-parts/feed/20Image (1) frotcast-graphic-bennett1.jpg for post 429800vinceuproxxfrotcast-graphic-bennett1FIlMDrunkShirt-Silver-BlackVince-Mancini-FilmDrunk-FrotcastImage (1) Frotcast_197_Justin-Halpern.jpg for post 491554Frotcast-Lieb-BenFrotcast 211: ‘They Came Together’ With Justin Halpernhttp://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/07/frotcast-211-they-came-together-with-justin-halpern/
http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/07/frotcast-211-they-came-together-with-justin-halpern/#commentsThu, 10 Jul 2014 22:15:20 +0000http://uproxx.com/?p=560649 download as an mp3 here (right click, save as). Before we begin, remember how you really like the Frotcast and you just listen to it and laugh and laugh and laugh? Well why are you bogarting the Frot? Tell your friends about it! PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!]]>

Before we begin, remember how you really like the Frotcast and you just listen to it and laugh and laugh and laugh? Well why are you bogarting the Frot? Tell your friends about it! PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

Anyway, this week we got Matt Lieb and Bret coming at you live (I think. Not sure what “live” actually means) from the Frotquarters in San Francisco. We talk about Bret’s ghost and how Matt lives in a paradox of being an atheist who’s scared of ghosts.

Later, we are joined by Justin Halpern (Shit My Dad Says, Surviving Jack, future awesome things) and we discuss David Wain’s romantic comedy spoof ‘They Came Together’ starring Paul Rudd and Amy Poehler. I’d like to preemptively apologize for Halpern’s shitty internet connect, as we do end up disconnecting with him about five thousand times throughout the podcast. We go on to talk about the ludicrous about of money that some of our podcasting peers have been making and we then spend the remainder of the podcast just begging (into our brand new dildo-microphones) for our listeners to spread the good word of the Frotcast to all of their friends and family so that Matt Lieb can finally quit his job as a handyman and just watch quicksand porn full time.

Speaking of which, PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THE FROTCAST! I DONT NORMALLY TYPE IN CAPITAL LETTERS AND I WONT STOP UNTIL YOU TELL YOUR FRIENDS!

]]>http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/07/frotcast-211-they-came-together-with-justin-halpern/feed/19TheyCameTogether-Lionsgatelieb123456789TheyCameTogether-LionsgatePartnerShareLg1Writer’s Room: What’s Your Dealbreaker Movie?http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/06/writers-room-whats-your-dealbreaker-movie/
http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/06/writers-room-whats-your-dealbreaker-movie/#commentsTue, 17 Jun 2014 17:20:59 +0000http://uproxx.com/?p=544778 divorced her husband because he didn’t like Frozen . I suspect there were a lot more problems with their relationship than a disagreement over a snowman movie (that’s what Frozen‘s about, right?), but it did get us to thinking: Are there movie opinions that, in and of themselves, could be considered a dealbreaker?]]>

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We recently brought you the story of a woman who supposedly divorced her husband because he didn’t like Frozen. I suspect there were a lot more problems with their relationship than a disagreement over a snowman movie (that’s what Frozen‘s about, right?), but it did get us to thinking: Are there movie opinions that, in and of themselves, could be considered a dealbreaker? (Shout out to Liz Lemon). Many of us have probably gauged our compatibility with certain members of the opposite sex based on cultural preferences, like enjoying the same music or movies. Maybe we’ve even gotten into long-term relationships based on shared tastes, and found out that both loving the Coen Brothers might not be the ideal foundation for lasting love. As a friend once remarked, “When I was 23 I wanted a girl who liked all the same things I did. These days I’ll settle for ‘nice.'”

Respecting your mate’s shitty taste because you’re compatible in much more important ways, like communication style and propensity to throw things, just seems like the more mature way to live life. Still, there have to be some things, some tastes that are just beyond the pale. Likes or dislikes that reflect such poor taste that they surely must be red flags for more serious character defects. You couldn’t date a Nazi, could you? That’s the way I feel about Limp Bizkit. So for our latest Writer’s Room, I asked a few other writer types for their “Dealbreaker Movies,” movie opinions in others (be it a like or a dislike) that they absolutely could not tolerate in a significant other.

This is going to be a really unpopular opinion, but if you SWEAR by Lost In Translation, you’re probably going to be someone I hate. I don’t think it’s a terrible movie by any means, and if you like it just fine, then I doubt we’ll have problems. But there’s something about the people that sift through this movie like they’re planning on reciting it for a bar mitzvah, that just drive me crazy. It’s one of those movies where people get mad at you if you call it a movie, instead of a “film.” Even though there are more jokes about Asian accents in this movie than if it were written and directed by Seltzer/Friedberg. Anytime anyone makes a movie about twenty somethings searching for the meaning of their life, you know there’s going to be a giant subset of f*cktwits that go “OH MY GOD THAT’S ME TOO I AM JUST LIKE SCAR JO SHE FEELS THE UNIQUENESS OF BEING ME.”

F*ck you. You’re twenty four. Maybe I just hate twenty four year-olds. That could also be it.

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Warner Bros

Julieanne Smolinski: Inception

If pressed, I guess I have to say that I could never make it work with anybody who liked the film “Inception.”

I’ve never felt more like I was being large-scale gaslit than when theatergoers had any other reaction to it than, “We should find out who wrote that, and burn down his house.”

I think what really bothered me about it was that it was a deeply silly idea that asked you to pretend that is was really very smart. If you ask people who liked “Inception” to explain to you what happens in it, they will start talking very confidently, then become increasingly panicked, like incest-murderers on “Law and Order” whose alibis unravel under the penetrating gaze of Ice T.

It also makes me very sad how seriously everybody in the film “Inception” seems to take the film “Inception,” which is — again — very silly. Marion Cotillard is probably one of our prettiest human people, but when she recites her lines, she sounds like one of the upsetting-Asian-stereotype cats from “Lady and the Tramp.” I also think Leonardo DiCaprio is a very talented actor, but this role was one of the many in which he relies pretty heavily on what we’ll poiltely call “some worryingly intense eyebrow stuff.” Honestly, sometimes I expect his forehead furrows to come whizzing off with a loud PING! like overly tight viola strings. And poor Ellen Page, whose character exists purely to ask silly expository questions. “Can you really build a prison of memories?” Uh, I’m living in one right now, Ellen.

I ask you: Has Christopher Nolan ever had a dream? Being asleep is one of the few truly universal human experiences and he was unable to come up with a vague simulacrum of what having a dream is like. It’s like if you made a movie about chefs but everybody in it “ate” by pouring boiling food into their eyes and ears.

Listen, I realize you asked me what movie would prevent me from dating somebody who liked it and not “What movie from 2010 did you intensely dislike, and don’t say ‘Marmaduke.'” So let me explain why I could not date a person who liked “Inception.” First of all, I imagine that we’d occasionally have sex, and I’d have to stop the sex a lot to go, “Really?” Of course, I’d be referring to the fact that they liked “Inception.” I imagine this would get old for both of us.

Look, a lot of people liked this movie, and I wish that I didn’t find them all sexually repellent. What does it have to do with my real life, or anyone else’s? Nothing. Obviously pleasure is subjective. Thinking this film is not a black-out-rage-inducing waste of human time is just an opinion. Just like enjoying fried onions or thinking it’s fun to expose yourself to people on trains.

I feel bad denigrating a piece of writing because it is hard work and it is also an achievement to make a film. I’m sure Christopher Nolan is a very nice and hardworking guy and I wish him no ill. If I ever meet him at a dinner party I will probably be very polite, although I may ask his wife if she saw Man of Steel and if so, if she has to pretend he is someone else when they have sex.

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PFT Commenter: Rudy

Im not a movie guy Im more of a film type guy.When Im talking bout “All 22″ Im not talking about the male cast of the new Sahsa Gray picture or whatever Im talking about seeing what shows up on tape after NFL Sunday.

That said, Im pretty tolerent of whatever taste in movies my date/escort/stranger girl sitting next to me in a movie that Im trying to make out with has. With one acception: Rudy.

Rudy is Rocky for people who think Sylvester Stallone was to ethnic and flashy. They basicaly adapted a Dropkick Murphys song into a screenplay and made the main character short instead of drunk.

Rudy wasnt the biggest guy but he wanted it so much. It goes to show you that in sports you dont have to be big, strong, or good to be good at football. You just have to be a average white guy whose not afraid to speak his mind. If you dont like “Rudy” well theres the door but to be honest by the time my shirt come’s off and they see my “Ruettiger 45″ jersey tattood on my back its to late for them to really say any thing about it so to bad so sad for them.

Rudys the one movie Ive seen that makes me cry cum and fight all in the span of 2 hours and by god if thats dosent sound like the perfect first date this was probly never going to work out between us anyways.

—

]]>http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/06/writers-room-whats-your-dealbreaker-movie/feed/435Deal-breaker-LemonvinceuproxxDeal-breaker-LemonInception-JGLRudyLIVE Q & A With ‘Surviving Jack’s Justin Halpernhttp://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/04/live-q-surviving-jacks-justin-halpern/
http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/04/live-q-surviving-jacks-justin-halpern/#commentsThu, 03 Apr 2014 18:10:49 +0000http://www.uproxx.com/?p=493701 Justin’s Tumblr . — What you see above is what is sent to me each day at 8:04 a.m. It’s what’s referred to as “The Fast National Ratings,” and I use it to define my self-worth as a human being see how many people watch the show I co-created, Surviving Jack. The networks use it to show advertisers the audience they’re reaching, as thus use it to decide what shows they’re going to renew. The demographic they care the most about is 18 to 49-year-olds.]]>

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Our live Q & A with Surviving Jack’s (tonight at 9:30 on Fox) Justin Halpern, previously of Sh*t My Dad Says, starts in the comments section. In the meantime, enjoy this little story to whet your appetite, reprinted with permission from Justin’s Tumblr.

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What you see above is what is sent to me each day at 8:04 a.m. It’s what’s referred to as “The Fast National Ratings,” and I use it to define my self-worth as a human being see how many people watch the show I co-created, Surviving Jack. The networks use it to show advertisers the audience they’re reaching, as thus use it to decide what shows they’re going to renew. The demographic they care the most about is 18 to 49-year-olds. If you’re fifty, F*CK YOU. EAT A DICK AND DIE. YOU MEAN LESS TO AN ADVERTISER THAN A DUMB SHIT 18-YEAR-OLD WHO HAS NO MONEY AND LIKES TO GET DRUNK AND FIND THINGS TO STICK IN HIS ASSHOLE AND LIGHT ON FIRE.

Okay, that’s not entirely true, but it’s pretty close. Maybe I take back the eating the dick and dying part. Anyway, here’s the first thing you need to know about ratings numbers: They can be spun any fucking way you want. Let me give you an example. Surviving Jack premiered last Thursday night to 5.1 million viewers and a 1.3 rating in the key 18-49 demographic. Below are all accurate ways to talk about our ratings.

Surviving Jack had over one million more live viewers than any of Fox’s other live-action comedies.

Surviving Jack only held 68% of it’s American Idol lead in.

Surviving Jack debuted with 5.1 million viewers, a 38% lift from Fox’s prior average in the 9:30 post-Idol time slot.

Surviving Jack debuted with only a 1.3 in the 18-49 demo.

Surviving Jack was Fox’s second highest rated live-action show, comedy or drama, in the 18-49 demo that week.

Seeing as how I spent every day for the last two years working on this show, it would be easy to get caught up in the ratings, which I can’t control. And because it’s easy, that’s exactly what I f*cking do. If you’re the kind of zen motherf*cker who can not obsess over the fate of your show, then why are you writing T.V. shows? Go change the world, you god damn amazing human.

So, every Thursday night, I will toss and turn in my bed, and run through each possible scenario. “Maybe we’ll gain a ratings point because we have good reviews and word of mouth!” “We’ll probably drop. Everyone drops. Nobody even knows this show exists. My brother asked me if it was on Saturday. SATURDAY! REALLY, DAN? A NEW SHOW DEBUTS ON F*CKING SATURDAY?”

Then the next morning I wake up at 6:30 and then spend the next hour and a half refreshing my e-mail even though I KNOW the ratings will come in at 8:04, because they always do. (Except for this one time they came at like 7:40! That’s why I check, guys!) Then finally the e-mail comes, my stomach turns everything inside of it, into diarrhea, and I open the e-mail. Good news or bad news, here’s the first thing you hear from your agents and network executives: “It’s all about how you do next week.” THE CYCLE CONTINUES.

]]>http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/04/live-q-surviving-jacks-justin-halpern/feed/189FOX's "Surviving Jack" - Season OnevinceuproxxFOX's "Surviving Jack" - Season OneRatingsJoin Our Live Q & A With 'Surviving Jack's Justin Halpern Tomorrowhttp://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/04/live-q-surviving-jacks-justin-halpern-tomorrow/
http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/04/live-q-surviving-jacks-justin-halpern-tomorrow/#commentsWed, 02 Apr 2014 23:33:27 +0000http://www.uproxx.com/?p=492800 Frotcast for any length of time, you’ve probably noticed our occasional interviews with Sh*t My Dad Says author/TV show writer Justin Halpern. Well, he’s got another TV show on Fox these days, Surviving Jack, adapted from his second book, I Suck At Girls. The show has its second episode tomorrow night at 9:30 on Fox, and Justin asked if he could do a live Q & A to promote it.]]>

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If you’ve been reading FilmDrunk or listening to the Frotcast for any length of time, you’ve probably noticed our occasional interviews with Sh*t My Dad Says author/TV show writer Justin Halpern. Well, he’s got another TV show on Fox these days, Surviving Jack, adapted from his second book, I Suck At Girls. The show has its second episode tomorrow night at 9:30 on Fox, and Justin asked if he could do a live Q & A to promote it. I promptly said “Huh? Yeah, man, whatever,” and fell fast asleep on my jack-off couch, as is my response to most things.

On a serious note, it’s always interesting to have a friend working on the inside of some business you were always curious about. For us, that’s Justin and TV. So gather up your questions about ratings, standards and practices, and of course 50 ducks or one horse-sized duck and meet back here tomorrow between 11 and 12 Pacific Daylight Time. It’s gonna be sick, bros and lady-bros.

This week, the Frotcast welcomes Shit My Dad Says author Justin Halpern, creator of Surviving Jack, which has its second episode this Thursday at 9:30 on Fox. Comedian Matt Lieb also joins.

We start off with a heated discussion about saline vs. electrolytes, before eventually deciding that Fairuza Balk should be the lead singer of Veruca Salt. Lieb, Ben, and Justin discuss Jewish stereotypes, including Pat Robertson’s comment that Jews “don’t work on their cars or mow their lawns because they’re too busy polishing their diamonds.” Justin tells us absurd stories about dealing with network TV’s standards and practices, including instances in which you can and can’t say “blumpkin.” We discuss Noah for a bit (potential spoilers from one hour to one hour seven), as well as Wolf of Wall Street, which Ben just saw. We finish things off with a discussion of whether satire is possible in an internet this stupid, and the saga of Marine Todd (see bottom of post), plus your voicemails and emails. Frot on!

]]>http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/04/frotcast-197-justin-halpern-sht-dad-says-surviving-jack/feed/6Frotcast_197_Justin-HalpernvinceuproxxBen pod talking while Justin Halpern makes an Al Qaeda video on my laptopThe One New Show You Must Watch If You Ever Want Network TV To Start Sticking Its Finger Up Your Butthttp://uproxx.com/tv/2014/01/justin-halpern-enlisted-watch-save-tv/
http://uproxx.com/tv/2014/01/justin-halpern-enlisted-watch-save-tv/#commentsTue, 07 Jan 2014 14:00:19 +0000http://www.uproxx.com/?p=421207 Justin Halpern says , “25-35 year olds f**king while they try to figure out ‘who they are.” That pretty much sums up nearly every sitcom on network television.]]>

Network television, by and large, isn’t good. The Big Four is responsible for something like 80+ hours of television a week, and I can count the number of good dramas on one hand (The Good Wife, Parenthood, Elementary, and maybe Persons of Interest. Also, Hannibal when it’s on). They do better with sitcoms, but even then, the best sitcoms are usually one of two things: They’re about families or, as Justin Halpern says, “25-35 year olds f**king while they try to figure out ‘who they are.” That pretty much sums up nearly every sitcom on network television.

But there’s a new one premiering this week that’s actually different.

It’s been pushed back a couple of times, and there’s not a tremendous amount of buzz about yet, but I have heard in the Twittersphere that this Friday’s Enlisted is the best new comedy of the entire television season. The show centers on Sgt. Pete Hill who, after a stint in Afghanistan, is stationed at a small military base in Florida to tackle the toughest job of them all: leading his dysfunctional brothers’ squad. Now, even if it’s not the best new sitcom, the reason why we should all watch and support it is because it, as Halpern explains, it dares to be different than every other sitcom (i.e., not about families of 25-35 year olds f**king), and its success could lead to more sitcoms that are different. Halpern ($#*! My Dad Says, Cougar Town, and this year’s midseason comedy, Surviving Jack), who is terrific, explains why Enlisted is the finger up the butt that network television needs.

He suggests that network television and its writers are like a middle-age couple that f*cks once a week, in the missionary position, and they’ve been doing it for so long, and are so afraid of doing something different, that that’s what they stick with.

Now, how did this couple end up only f**king each other the exact same way for thirty years? At some point, they probably tried something different and it really didn’t work out. Maybe he spanked her and she didn’t like it. Maybe she stuck her finger in his assh*le and he hated it. And because of a couple things they tried that didn’t work, they just went back to the same old thing that makes them fairly happy.

Writers would love to try and find new ways to pleasure a network, and to be honest, a network would love to be f**ked in amazing ways its never been f**ked before. The problem is, both parties get a little freaked out when they try something out that doesn’t work. So when development season comes, a writer might have a couple ideas they want to pitch, but if they’re choosing between sticking a finger in the network’s assh*le or f**king them missionary, well, the writer has to make a living and so they may err on the side of sunday night f**king. And I don’t begrudge them one bit. It’s tough to make a living in this business. You may be thinking “NAH UH THIS IS STUPID HBO MAKES SHOWS THAT ARE COOL AND INTERESTING.” They do. HBO will let you shove anything in their assh*le at least once if it seems fun. But the people doing that shoving are the biggest writers in the business. Terence Winter and Martin Scorsese, Judd Apatow, David Benioff, etc… Guess what? They’re pretty well set for cash, folks. And I applaud them for trying something different. And I applaud HBO for being a place where that’s possible. But TV networks have much bigger demands on them and aren’t subscription based, so they have to answer to advertisers. So the only way a network will do something crazy in bed, is if someone is fearless enough to do it, and surprisingly, what they did feels REAL good. Then maybe they next time they want to f**k, they’ll be like “Oh man, I liked it so much when you grabbed my balls and yanked on them, what if you poured hot wax on my nipples while you called me piece of shit?”

And that’s why, he says, you should watch Enlisted this Friday on Fox.

Almost two years ago I sat in Kevin Biegel’s (Scrubs) office and he pitched me his idea for Enlisted, and the first thing I thought was “They’ll never greenlight a comedy that takes place on a military base. I would have set it in an office.” That’s the kind of thinking that needs to end. So if you care about helping Network TV do something a little different, let Enlisted stick its finger in your assh*le this Friday night.

I’m game. I’ll give anything a try once, except butt plugs. I don’t want to watch any show that describes itself as the “butt plug” of network television.

]]>http://uproxx.com/tv/2014/01/justin-halpern-enlisted-watch-save-tv/feed/37enlisted-kevin-biegeluproxxenlisted-kevin-biegelFrotcast: Best of the Frotcast 2013!http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2013/12/best-frotcast-2013/
http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2013/12/best-frotcast-2013/#commentsMon, 23 Dec 2013 18:25:01 +0000http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/?p=103947 download this week’s episode as an mp3 here (right-click, “save as”) Yes, Virginia, there is a Frotcast! It’s been a great year here in the Frotquarters. We managed to not get killed by Juggalos (yet), Ben beat cancer, Laremy got Bell’s Palsy, and Matt Lieb got choked out by a girl and discovered Quicksand Porn.]]>http://filmdrunk.podbean.com/mf/web/bj667t/Bestof2013Frot2.mp3

Yes, Virginia, there is a Frotcast! It’s been a great year here in the Frotquarters. We managed to not get killed by Juggalos (yet), Ben beat cancer, Laremy got Bell’s Palsy, and Matt Lieb got choked out by a girl and discovered Quicksand Porn. Until now, we had no way of celebrating these milestones. At least, not until, unprompted and unsolicited, our new MVP listener (MVL?) Token created this Best of 2013 Frotcast, with all your favorite Frotcast bits from 2013. Well, all of his, anyway. You’d be amazed at how much we benefit from a little editing. Segments include:

]]>http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2013/12/best-frotcast-2013/feed/18frotcast-graphic-bennett1vinceuproxxfrotcast-graphic-bennett1Nominate-StitcherJustin Halpern Explains Why Standards And Practices Won’t Let You Say ‘Blumpkin’ on TVhttp://uproxx.com/tv/2013/12/justin-halpern-explains-standards-practices-wont-let-say-blumpkin-tv/
http://uproxx.com/tv/2013/12/justin-halpern-explains-standards-practices-wont-let-say-blumpkin-tv/#commentsWed, 04 Dec 2013 21:00:41 +0000http://www.uproxx.com/?p=391916 Frotcast friend, owner of the “Sh** My Dad Says” Twitter account, and failed television writer (so far) Justin Halpern is taking another whack at a series again mid-season with Surviving Jack over on Fox, and I’m excited about it not only because it will star Christopher Meloni, but it’s being produced under Bill Lawrence’s shingle. Halpern, as some of you know, had been writing for Lawrence’s Cougar Town over on TBS.]]>

Frotcast friend, owner of the “Sh** My Dad Says” Twitter account, and failed television writer (so far) Justin Halpern is taking another whack at a series again mid-season with Surviving Jack over on Fox, and I’m excited about it not only because it will star Christopher Meloni, but it’s being produced under Bill Lawrence’s shingle. Halpern, as some of you know, had been writing for Lawrence’s Cougar Town over on TBS. Anyway, we all know that studio executive are dumb (here’s 40 reasons why), but how many of us knew that Standards and Practices consulted with the Urban Dictionary before delivering network notes?

That’s the story from Halpern, who once tried to use “Blumpkin” in an episode of the short-lived (and quite terrible) How to Be a Gentlemen.

For those of you who don’t know, a “Blumpkin” is a ludicrous word which describes the act of a woman giving a blow job to man while he poops … Now, a few years ago I was on staff of a little show on CBS called “How To Be A Gentleman.” Anyway, on that show, we had a big meathead character use the word Blumpkin in one of the scripts. (And we were cancelled? WHA?) Standards wrote back and said no way….

After the table read, when the execs were giving notes to the head writers, I decided to ask the 45-year-old, very conservative standards and practices lady how she came across the word blumpkin in the first place, and how she decides what can and can’t be said.

“Oh, I had no idea what a blumpkin was. If I don’t know a word, I just look it up on urban dictionary and if I see the definition is something that makes me go ‘EW’ then I don’t allow it on air.’
SHE JUST GOES TO URBAN DICTIONARY AND SEES IF IT MAKES HER GO EW, PEOPLE. Which means standards and practices is basically your mom. And if you think about it, her system isn’t that bad.

In light of this revelation, I think that Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s ruling in indecency should be rephrased.

“I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description [“hard-core pornography”]; and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But if it makes me go ‘EW’ then it shouldn’t be allowed it on air.”

Do you ever go to the movies and find yourself immersed in a story, when all of a sudden a dumb scene happens and drags you out of your cocoon of fiction by your pant leg? Either because the scene so unbelievable or because you’ve seen it a hundred times before? Happens all the time, right? There are just certain scenes in movies that you never want to see again. A lot of them, actually, which is why I invited a platoon of writer friends along to share their picks.

ATTN Filmmakers: You may not be aware of this but just because your movie takes place before 2001, doesn’t mean that it has to end with a “subtle” allusion to 9/11. I mean, if you’re making a movie about the creation of Al-Queda or about the inventor of the box cutter, then sure, 9/11 is probably relevant enough event to mention in your film. But let’s say you are making a documentary about gun violence in America (let’s call it “Rolling of Rolumbine”) and you want to point out how American foreign policy could be a factor in our over 30,000 gun deaths per year: maybe showing footage of the 9/11 attack in New York, an attack where literally no guns were used, is a little bit irrelevant. Or let’s say you are making a movie about the old timey gang of new york (let’s call it “Rangs of Rew Rork”), a movie set at a time where neither airplanes (1903) nor box cutters (1930) have been invented: maybe ending your oddly-titled film with a shot of the World Trade Center with Bono crooning over it might seem extraneous, or really really f*cking stupid.

This is not so much a cliché movie scene that I am tired of, but rather a shot or a visual cue that makes me want hijack a 747 and fly it into Tony Kushner and Steven Spielberg’s secret Hollywood f*ck dungeon. I mention those two because 1) they probs banged at some point, and 2) they are the culprits of one of the most egregiously irrelevant 9/11 foreshadowing shots in the history of post-9/11 films.

So there I am watching the movie Munich, enjoying the shit out of a film that simultaneously flips the role of Jews from victim to hero, from the non-violent oppressed to the ultra-violent oppressor. I am having a wonderful time watching the masterful way Kushner and Spielberg navigate the minefield of a subject that is Israeli military aggression, where a wrong step in either direction can transform a good movie into a propaganda film. And they’ve almost made it through all 164 minutes without doing so. And then, with the very last shot of the very last scene, Kushner and Spielberg decide to suicide bomb the whole goddamn movie with an incredibly on-the-nose shot of Avner standing in shadow of the World Trade Center. What does 9/11 have to do with the Israeli/Palestinian conflict? Nothing! No, shut up, I don’t care how many 9/11 truth videos you have seen on YouTube where a teenager in a Guy Fawkes mask is telling you “what really happened that day,” 9/11 and the Israeli/Palestinian conflict are apples and oranges. At best, this shot basically just serves as blatant emotional manipulation of an American audience that really cannot relate to actually living under the persistent threat of terrorist attack. At worst, this shot is Kushner and Spielberg’s way of saying the Jews did 9/11, which would actually be hilarious and I fully support them coming out publicly as truthers but only if they do it via YouTube video where they dramatically remove their Fawkes masks and exclaim “we did 9/11, together. We planned it in our Hollywood f*ck dungeon. Ron Paul 2016.” But until such an admission is made, the last shot of Munich pretty much ruined the whole movie for me.

Let’s all vote to abolish the Cathartic Shower scene. It’s been beaten to death. To illustrate my point, I’ve compiled an Oral History of the Cathartic Shower scene:

Todd Frenulum (Director, Tears of My Father’s Pain): See, what I wanted to convey, was, it’s not just a shower; it works on several levels. Not only is he bathing, which is something every human does, he’s also shampooing. And conditioning his hair. Killing those hookers really dried it out. And he got pretty sweaty; strangulation really takes the electrolytes out of you. So, shower.

Ted Meatus (Director, Sisqo in Crimson): I felt like the second act really needed something to propel the viewer into the third, so I told our heroine to take her shirt off. It looked like a VHS porno; seriously, I was waiting for Ron Jeremy to enter frame right and yell something like “WHERE’S YOUR RUBBER DUCKY?” The production values were a little low since we didn’t raise quite as much as we wanted with our Kickstarter. So I put it in slow motion. CINEMA!

Michael Bay (Director, Face/Off 2: The Butt-Swap): Nic Cage says to me, ‘I think a shower will wash these spiders off’, so I say, ‘OK, action.’ The rest is cinematic history.

Also, off-topic, but I could go without seeing a guy spit in a woman’s gaping butthole ever again.

DUSTIN ROWLES: The Ironic Bro Walk

The Bro-Walk is one of those tropes that has been around for years. It probably started with Shaft or something, and then at some point in Cinematic history, every cool kid in a high school was walking down the halls in super slo-mo with a John Wayne swagger like he owned the goddamn place. But after that trope was mined to death, they subverted it and suddenly, it was the geeky kids, or the nerds, or f**king Jonah Hill looking all bad ass and slo-mo while the ladies at their lockers swooned and the dudes looked on with respect. Then, they subverted the subversion, and now the ironic bro-walk ends with a record scratch moment, where the bad ass group of suburban Dads trips over a curb or something. Good God. It’s tired. Just stop it with the bro walk: Conventional, Ironic, or Ironic with a twist. It’s not funny, and there’s nowhere left to go with it.

Here’s the scene: someone from a city is in a rural area. Suddenly, a rural person is out to get them. Why? I don’t know. He Who Walks Behind The Rows demanded it? A city person bankrupted the plaid shirt factory? Madness caused by too much fresh air and affordable rents? There was a sale on creepy masks and butcher knives?

I grew up with a cornfield in my backyard, and I’m still wondering when the urge to kill randos from the coasts is going to kick in. Starting to think He Who Walks Behind The Rows may just be a fat guy named Roger who’s still making payments on his combine.

Do you really want to know what us “flyover state” folks think about people from the coasts? Nothing. Which is why there’s no term as popular or as spiteful as “flyover states” that rural people are slanging about city people. We’d have to care about them enough to come up with slurs. If we think about city people at all, it’s to wonder, “Why do they hate us so much they say sh–ty things like ‘flyover states’ and produce TV and movies which depict us as savagely violent towards them?” This media isn’t made by people living in the sticks. The Pace salsa ads in which cowboys want to lynch people associated with New York City were written by marketing wonks in New York City at the ad agency Young & Rubicam. What kind of conversely self-loathing and self-aggrandizing f*ckery is this?

People on the coasts — particularly those who produce TV and movies — please believe me. We don’t want to don rubber masks from the dollar store and chase you through a corn field. To do that would require passionately giving a sh-t about you. And we don’t.

So many movies have this scene where someone has a horrible dream and wakes up from it immediately sitting upright in their bed with eyes wide open. Sometimes they scream. This movie cliché is bullshit, and pisses me off more than anything else in the entire world.

When I wake up from bad dreams, it’s usually me barely being able to open my eyes. I think to myself “What the Hell?” and then fall back asleep seconds later. How is it a natural reaction to sit up straight after having been in deep sleep? I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure it takes six hours for a person to fully wake up and get out of bed in the morning. I dedicate the first two hours of waking up to finding a will to live. Only after that happens do I remove my body from my bed in any way.

I could do without ever again watching the scene in which the bad guy reveals his capture was all part of the plan. For starters, nobody likes a showoff. You don’t get style points for making the good guys look stupid. You just look like a smug f*ck.

I understand why filmmakers do it. You get to put the hero and villain face to face before the climax, and you make your bad guy seem even more formidable. You start out thinking we can’t stop him; we can only contain him. But then you do contain him, and he just winds up making you look like a real asshole.

Plus the bad guy is relying on a lot of outside factors to see his plan succeed. How did Loki know Bruce Banner would Hulk out and bust up S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Helicarrier? (I’ve seen The Avenger’s four times and I still can’t tell if Loki’s wicked scepter is making Banner angry, or if it’s just there to send a homing beacon so Bourne Legacy can track down the Avengers. Maybe it’s both.) And in Skyfall, how did Javier Bardem know that MI6 would connect his laptop to their system so it could automatically hack into their system? Even the nerds at the Apple Store sweep for viruses before plugging into your MacBook. (I have to single out Skyfall as because Javier Bardem’s exchange with James Bond while imprisoned at MI6 HQ was also an example of the other type of scene I wish would go away: the one where the villain basically tells the good guy, “You and me are a lot alike!”)

I actually think the villain-planned-to-get-captured scene is indicative of a larger problem: bad guys be convolutin’. You gotta simplify. Your plots should be less sharks-with-laser-beams and more bullet-to-the-head. I blame this recent epidemic on The Dark Knight, which was an example of the trope working, and which naturally inspired imitators. The scene worked because we believed the Joker so embraced chaos. Just like chimney sweep Michael Caine said, “Some people just want to watch the world burn.” That gives you license to pretty much do anything.

I’d love to see movies get more creative with their good guy/bad guy tete a tetes. Or at least try ripping off the greats: like the rooftop scene in Die Hard when Hans Gruber impersonates Bill Clay to escape McClane. And if you MUST have your villain get captured in the middle of the movie, I’d like to see him spend at least a scene or two shitting himself before figuring out how to escape. That’s all I ask.

That, and a sequel to Magic Mike that focuses on McConaughey. (Incidentally, that’s also my pitch for the next Film Drunk Writer’s Room topic.)

This topic is hard for me, because a lot of the scenes and clichés in action movies that people are probably sick of are the same ones that fill me with unending glee. A Maalox-chugging, mustachioed police chief taking a loose cannon detective off a big case — even though the detective is the best cop he’s even seen, dammit — because the mayor is breathing down his neck? Love it. A villain catching a film’s hero, strapping him to an easily escapable Death Machine, and explaining every detail of his master plan in a long monologue that begins with some variation of “You know, you and I are not so different…”? Can’t get enough. A protagonist with a name like Rex Doubleshark firing a single bullet at a jet-black SUV during a high-speed chase that results in an explosion that can be seen from space? Put it in my veins with an unsterilized needle. Not only am I not sick of these scenes, I think I might actually shrivel up and die without them.

So I suppose I’ll have to stick to comedies. There’s a lot of really bad stuff out there right now, but since I’m currently seeing the commercial for Grown Ups 2 every 10 minutes, I’ll go with scenes where something “gay” happens and everyone gets super grossed out. HAHA ANDY SAMBERG RUBBED HIS BUTT ON THE CAR AND KEVIN JAMES MADE A FACE. GET IT? NO NO, REALLY. GET IT? IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE GAY STUFF IS WEIRD.

Sh*t is played out, y’all. It’s 2013. Time to get hip. And until you get hip, at least consider, like, not featuring it prominently in the marketing campaign for your big summer movie.

[Editor’s Note: It should be also noted that the Grown Ups 2 trailer begins with a deer pissing in Adam Sandler’s face after he compares it to his mother in law.]

JFK is a great movie but all the scenes with Sissy Spacek suck. She doesn’t add anything to the plot; she just exists as a reminder that the protagonist Jim Garrison has a home life. And it’s certainly a nice way to remind the audience of that he’s human except for one fact.

IT’S A MOVIE ABOUT UNCOVERING A CONSPIRACY BY THE CIA TO ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, IT DOESN’T NEED ANY MORE DRAMA.

And really, you can say that about any movie where you have a wife who has her hands on her hips complaining about how much her husband is working. Oh really? You want to marry a guy who’s home at 5 every night? Your high school boyfriend is an insurance salesman, now he can probably beat the traffic on Fridays.

Granted you need to humanize the people involved in these movies somewhat. But the complaining wife (it’s never a husband because yay patriarchy) seems to lack perspective. “I don’t care if you’re preparing for one of the biggest trials in American history, I GOT ALL DRESSED UP FOR EASTER FOR NOTHING!” Like, he’ll make it up to you on Memorial Day. Deal with it.

This is more of a combination of scene and character that I’d like to see swallowed up by a hellish void, because they suck in harmony and provide nothing but groans and eye rolls when they show up in action films. I’m speaking, of course, of the righteous hacker bro who puts on a spectacle of procedure before and during his super awesome hack, as if he’s a professional football player with a touchdown dance.

An example is the world’s greatest hacker, Tyler, in the recent surefire Best Picture nominee White House Down (our review), as he arrives in the White House’s security room to tap into the intricate system and take on the system’s firewalls (seriously, he should have just been a black guy named Theo) and declares to no one but himself just how huge of a procedure this is, before cranking the classical music and pulling out his good luck lollipop. He can’t work without his sugar, y’all!

But the best example of this is Hugh Jackman’s techno Trojan horse virus scene from Swordfish, because it was just ridiculously stupid and improbable, which says a lot about a movie that should have been titled, Blowjobs and Terrorists with Shitty Hair, to begin with.

Have you ever been at a party, having just told a story, when you notice that there’s that split second of dead air while you wait to find out if your story went over, and that split second of dead air is especially terrifying because at the conclusion of your story you admitted that you (choose from: didn’t lose your virginity until age 22/never got what all the fuss was about when it came to the Strokes/kinda, yeah, understand why terrorists do what they do)?

Well, that’s how I feel about the movie scene I never want to see again. Like, maybe, when I tell you, you’re going to call me a sissy or roll your eyes or, well, leave my party.

Now before you actually do call me a sissy, let me finish. I don’t want to be spared the literally gory details because I live in a Pollyana movie world where no one gets hurt. No, I never want to see Sir Bleedsalot’s intestines because a moviemaker’s depiction of violence has never been as scary as my imagination’s depiction of violence.

I don’t know what a lopped-off noggin looks like in real life, and that’s OK; I don’t live in the Middle Ages. What I do know is that when I see someone’s head chopped off, or his arm torn from his shoulder, or his stomach slashed by a saber, broad sword, or battle ax, I can’t help but be disappointed in the cartoonish way that the appendage falls, limply, to the ground.

It looks stupid, is what I’m saying, and it takes me out of the world-away cocoon I’ve built for myself inside the theater.

So, moviemakers, please keep in mind the following:

While I know your goal these days seems to be to remove all thought from the movie-watching process, my imagination is better than your special-effects department.

How about you let me use it?

*A Neptune year is 165 Earth years. So, maybe, instead of “sissy,” go with “dork.”

I’m in a very satisfying abusive relationship with romantic comedies in which I allow them to enrage me to the point of apoplexy but will never, ever stop seeing them. Never, never. If they hurt me, it’s probably because I did something to deserve it. Oh this? “The Five Year Engagement” didn’t do this to my face, I opened the freezer door too fast.

THAT SAID: nothing makes me angrier than the rom-com contrivance where there’s some kind of public event — oftentimes, a wedding, engagement party, child’s birthday, et cetera — that’s interrupted by the events of the film, and no one present reacts in a natural manner.

If somebody decided to say, stand up in the middle of an eighth-grade graduation speech to air their marriage grievances, people would basically be like, “What the f*ck?” and either shame you into shutting up or ask you to make your treacly declarations in the hallway. Basically, f*ck you, “Crazy, Stupid Love” and every time somebody in a film gives a drunken/poignant/embarrassing wedding toast that is ACTUALLY ABOUT THEIR OWN RELATIONSHIP. No human being alive does that. Have you EVER been to a party in which somebody makes a confrontational speech!? IT JUST DOES NOT HAPPEN. PEOPLE ARE TOO POLITE TO RUIN EVENTS IN SUCH A WAY BY SHOUTING DECLARATIONS AT ONE ANOTHER. And if they do, they are terrible selfish monster people who deserve to drown.

Just once, I would like to not meet a fat Russian bad guy in a f*cking club with pounding techno music where he’s sitting next to five hookers. First of all, if you have five hookers at a club, AT BEST you can sit next to three of them (either side, one on your lap), which means there are two hookers you’re just paying to bullshit with each other. Maybe you do that ONCE, but afterwards you’re like “I probably could have done without two of those hookers. I feel like that was just me going a little nuts.”

Also, if you HAVE decided to make the bad guy of your film Russian, maybe you take more than eight seconds to think about his character beyond “Likes drugs and clubs.” Like, is he less tough and menacing if you introduce his character in a Soup Plantation? I say no. I would be like “Whoa, I don’t want to f*ck with a Russian gangster who gives so little a f*ck he eats at Soup Plantation.” Lastly, no mas musica de techno. It’s enough. Every movie can’t be a sequel to Blade.

DREW MAGARY: Ghost Kid

1. Woman thinks she hears something unusual in her house.

2. Woman looks around.

3. Woman doesn’t seem to find anything.

4. Woman turns around only to be scared shitless by a kid.

5. And it’s not just any kid. IT’S A GHOST KID.

F*ck ghost kids. Find another vessel for haunted spirits.

VINCE MANCINI: The Artsy Suicide

As the curator of this list, I didn’t know if it was polite or pretentious to put myself last, but either way, you made it this far, and for that I thank you.

While I don’t share his irrational, some might say pathological, love for Space Jam or the Fast and Furious franchise, I agree with Sir Danger of the House Guerrero that for a lot of films, especially the dumb action ones, clichés can be a blessing. My particular bag being vulgar, wisecracking anti-heroes of the Shane Black variety. No one’s that clever or adorably cynical in real life, but damn if I don’t still firm up a little every time I see Bruce Willis give himself a mirror pep talk that includes the mantra “nobody likes you, everybody hates you,” or watch Mel Gibson tell a female colleague “step into my orifice” as he leads her into the john. It’s the same damn character every time, but for reasons I try not to explore, I never tire of watching a smartass alcoholic save the world and prove he has a heart of gold.

Clichés are much worse in art films, whose whole goal is supposedly to inspire a new way of thinking. Yet if you watch enough of their films, people who fancy themselves artists will make Hollywood execs look like revolutionaries.

Having spent four years as a film major (which was housed in the visual arts department at my university), and another few at grad school in New York where I dated a theater student, I feel like I’ve become well versed in the mental tics of the psuedo intellectual, and by far my least favorite of them is the suicide narrative. I’ve seen a million student films about suicide and have even had to collaborate on a few (“hmm, I think I’ll take sound editor for this one”). See, affluent white kids from the suburbs have been force-fed the myth of the tortured artist for so long that they’ll go to any lengths to prove that their own lives are anything but comfortable. But I’m so broody and complex!

“I constantly ponder suicide!” is basically this big show you make with the right hand to distract people from noticing that the left is holding “My dad’s a cardiologist from Orange County.”

And the way art students depict it, suicide is never dark and pathetic or a drunken mistake. It’s always tragic and beautiful and cinematic, complete with classical music and closeups on crying relatives and big swaths of red (yeah, I’m looking at you, Shame). You almost never get any insight about suicide, just an overwrought visual depiction of it. Oh God, the red color scheme. It’s like every amateur artiste thinks the color red is magic, so inherently evocative and pregnant with import that it can substitute for having a point of view. Not sure what you’re trying to say? Just throw some red in there, people will call it subtle!

The scenes in We Need to Talk About Kevin that didn’t involve Ezra Miller or John C. Reilly could basically be filed under “GRIEF” or “RED” (often both). I think the artsy suicide scene is actually symptom of the disease where art filmmakers think grief is the only interesting emotion. That could be why I liked Hesher so much, because it took the idea of grief and actually did something interesting with it. Spencer Susser found the silver lining in wondering if life has no meaning. See? That‘s a point of view. Because usually, they just wallow in sadness. And let’s face it, grief is the most boring shit ever. Depressed people are terrible. What, I’m supposed to sit here and mope with you because you’re too embarrassed to cop to your actual first-world problems? Fuuuuuuuuuuck off.

]]>http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2013/07/writers-room-scenes-we-never-want-to-see-again/feed/194TV ManuproxxMade this a while back, thought it was relevant here.TakeThisWaltz-Showerreservoir-dogs1Deliverance_Okay, so I couldn't find a great Shutterstock photo for this one.Loki-captureGrown-Ups-2-car-wash-sceneAlong-Came-Polly-ben-stiller-590290_1024_768Computer-Hackerblackdynamite-movie-severed-headMrSmithGoestoWashingtonNightclub-DJTheRingArtsy-SuicideFrotcast 158: The Case of Paula Deen, and Justin Halpern’s ‘Tweets from My Sick Ride’http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2013/06/frotcast-158-the-case-of-paula-deen-and-justin-halperns-tweets-from-my-sick-ride/
http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2013/06/frotcast-158-the-case-of-paula-deen-and-justin-halperns-tweets-from-my-sick-ride/#commentsThu, 27 Jun 2013 22:27:13 +0000http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/?p=91540 download this week’s episode as an mp3 here (right-click, “save as.”) This week, we’ve got SF comedians Matt Lieb and Juan Medina in the FrotQuarters, and Shit My Dad Says’ Justin Halpern joining us via Skype for a segment called “Tweets from My Sick Ride.” The idea behind that one was that he was going to read tweets from guys bragging about taking their Porsche or Lexus out for a drive, which is surprisingly common.]]>

This week, we’ve got SF comedians Matt Lieb and Juan Medina in the FrotQuarters, and Shit My Dad Says’ Justin Halpern joining us via Skype for a segment called “Tweets from My Sick Ride.” The idea behind that one was that he was going to read tweets from guys bragging about taking their Porsche or Lexus out for a drive, which is surprisingly common. That was the idea, anyway. What actually happened was that his baby starting crying and his dog barking alternately, with such impeccable timing that I’m convinced his life is an actual network sitcom now. That starts at about the 50-minute mark.

We also discuss the Paula Deen controversy and how uncomfortable the entire thing makes us. That starts at about an hour four.

Before that, we talk about the guy who tried to have sex with the loop end of a wrench (see picture) and had to have it cut off his dick with some kind of saw or laser. See below right. Towards the end, we discuss Shane Carruth’s Upstream Color. Slightly before that (an hour twenty-ish), we talk about the phenomenon these days where people don’t think comedians are good people unless they spend their whole act telling you what good people they are.

Here’s that super-awkward clip of Paula Deen we played. Oh, and news-wise, not a big shocker, but basically this whole thing is playing out exactly how we predicted, where her mainstream sponsors all drop her like a bad habit, and she becomes a conservative icon simply by virtue of people feeling sorry about how all those meanie liberals crucified her. Ugh, what a stupid planet.

On a lighter note, here’s Justin Halpern’s bulldog that you could hear barking in the background. Isn’t she cute? When I stare into that dog’s face I know that at least some things are still right with the world.

]]>http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2013/06/frotcast-158-the-case-of-paula-deen-and-justin-halperns-tweets-from-my-sick-ride/feed/9frotcast-graphic-bennett1vinceuproxxfrotcast-graphic-bennett1Wrench-COmboHalpern-BulldogJustin Halpern’s Guide to Making Your Own Summer Movie Blockbusterhttp://uproxx.com/fdgallery/2013/05/justin-halperns-the-four-types-of-summer-movies/
http://uproxx.com/fdgallery/2013/05/justin-halperns-the-four-types-of-summer-movies/#commentsMon, 06 May 2013 18:48:48 +0000http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/?p=87965 opening to $175 million over the weekend, the summer movie season has officially begun (officially according to me). Around these parts, we like to handicap the winners like Jeff Gillooly in our Fantasy Summer Box Office game. But there’s no reason for you to sit on the sidelines like a casual duh-bserver, writing a summer movie is easy!]]>

With Iron Man 3 opening to $175 million over the weekend, the summer movie season has officially begun (officially according to me). Around these parts, we like to handicap the winners like Jeff Gillooly in our Fantasy Summer Box Office game. But there’s no reason for you to sit on the sidelines like a casual duh-bserver, writing a summer movie is easy! And today, Justin Halpern, the best-selling author of I Suck at Girls and Shit My Dad Says, is going to tell you how.

Every summer, the exact same types of movies come out. So in the interest of helping you all become super successful screenwriters and directors, I decided to go ahead and break down the four types of summer movies, so that you can go ahead and make your own.

Scripts are like buttholes; All the best ones are used by George Clooney. The studios rarely buy original screenplays anymore because it’s much easier to take an already popular property and hire a writer to adapt it. But here’s the problem; that writer has 25 executives giving them notes on what he or she should be writing, and after the writer is finished, the studio just hires another writer to take over. It’d be like trying to f*ck your wife or husband while a group of people stand to the side shouting ways they think you could f*ck them better. So, after they find a beloved property (comic book, TV show, Toy) with name recognition, they toss this word on it: “Reimagined.” Then about a year before the movie comes out they release a poster on the internet that barely hints at what the beloved characters in the beloved property might look like now that they’ve been… reimagined! Then everyone on the internet argues about the tiny bit given away in the poster, which ultimately ends with people shitting on Damon Lindelof even if he had nothing to do with it. The studio gets their free press and huge opening weekend box office.

The other day my four-year-old nephew walked up to me and said “What if a booger talked.” I promise you if Brad Bird walked in to the head of Pixar’s office and said the exact same sentence, “Boogers” would be out next summer and it’d make 66 Million in its first weekend.

The key to this type of blockbuster is find an animal or object people encounter every day (Cars, fish, toys, boogers) and then make them talk. After that, have them dream of a bigger life. If it’s a fish in an aquarium, have it wish to be in the ocean. A toy in a toy chest? Have it wish to see the outside world. In our film “Forks,” we take a dingy fork that sits in a silverware drawer in someone’s house, that desperately wants to leave and become a fork used by the President of the United States. On the way, he falls in love with a sterling silver fork from a rich person’s house, and then blah blah everyone says she’s too good for him, you get the fuggin point here.

The beauty of this is that it’s a cartoon so kids want to see it, and it’s also a parable for adults, reminding them of how they’re in an incredibly shitty job that they wish they could get out of and move on to better things but they can’t so they’ll probably die miserable. Everyone’s happy for two hours and you’re shitting gold.

Why do you get drunk and call up your ex to see if they’ll f*ck? Because you know you’re not going to have to think about it, and the last time you f*cked them it felt pretty good. The sequel is the perfect summer movie because you’ve already “f*cked,” so it doesn’t take much to get you to see it again.

Studios are in a no-lose situation. If they don’t make the movie, they make no money, and if they make the movie and it’s horrible, they’ll still make a ton of money that they otherwise wouldn’t have had. Plus, almost no one gets fired for making a sequel, even if it’s sh*tty, unless it goes way over budget. I was once sitting in the lobby of a production company, many years ago, and I heard a development executive say “F*ck it, just have Axel crash in to a strip club or something. It’s f*ckin’ Beverly Hills Cop, bro.”

That dude makes 450,000 dollars a year. The bonus to the sequel is that if they make the movie and it’s half way decent, well then, they know you’ll get drunk and dial their number one more time.

What you don’t want to do, is what we’ve done above; take a film that was mildly successful, and definitely did not lend itself to a sequel, and try to make one anyway. (My writing partner and I would occasionally pitch La Bamba 2 in meetings if the meeting was going horribly anyway. “Okay, well, we have ONE other idea. Do you guys remember Richie Valens?” Unsurprisingly, I was not a very successful feature film writer.) As moviegoers, we may not be able to resist a shitty sequel, but we can definitely resist a sequel that no one wanted.

]]>http://uproxx.com/fdgallery/2013/05/justin-halperns-the-four-types-of-summer-movies/feed/8Dreaming-of-shark-surfinguproxxDreaming-of-shark-surfingSnorks-Posterforksfinalmovieposterlabamba2Christopher Meloni Will Star In The New Fox Show From Bill Lawrence And Justin Halpernhttp://uproxx.com/tv/2013/03/christopher-meloni-will-star-in-the-new-fox-show-from-bill-lawrence-and-justin-halpern/
http://uproxx.com/tv/2013/03/christopher-meloni-will-star-in-the-new-fox-show-from-bill-lawrence-and-justin-halpern/#commentsThu, 14 Mar 2013 20:01:27 +0000http://www.uproxx.com/?p=222767 collecting name actors with every rotation , as news broke earlier today that former Law & Order: SVU star Christopher Meloni has landed the lead in the new Fox project from Bill Lawrence and Justin Halpern, based on Halpern’s book I Suck at Girls. Meloni, who has been one of pilot season’s hottest properties since leaving Law & Order: SVU two years ago, will play Jack Dunlevy, a military man-turned oncologist who talks to everyone like they’re 75-years-old and dying of cancer: just a no bulls–t guy.]]>

The pilot season snowball continues to barrel down the mountain collecting name actors with every rotation, as news broke earlier today that former Law & Order: SVU star Christopher Meloni has landed the lead in the new Fox project from Bill Lawrence and Justin Halpern, based on Halpern’s book I Suck at Girls.

Meloni, who has been one of pilot season’s hottest properties since leaving Law & Order: SVU two years ago, will play Jack Dunlevy, a military man-turned oncologist who talks to everyone like they’re 75-years-old and dying of cancer: just a no bulls–t guy. Up to this point in his life, Jack’s just been the guy who’s gone to work early in the morning, come home late, eaten the big piece of chicken, yells at his kids, and goes to bed. But now his wife is going to law school, and he’s going to have to take a much more active role in his kids’ lives. [TV Line]

This is where I would normally make fun of the description of the show by getting super carried away with something that barely has anything to do with anything (probably involving CAPITAL LETTERS and imagined quotes from television executives), but (a) Bill Lawrence created Scrubs and Cougar Town, and I like those shows; (b) Christopher Meloni sounds like a really good fit for the role; and (c) STORY TIME.

I am somewhat Internet-friendly with Justin Halpern (mostly through occasional Film Drunk brain trust email threads involving Vince and Burnsy), so back when I saw the news break on Twitter that Fox was making this pilot, I zipped off a quick email to say congratulations. Somehow, because everything is weird all the time, the email I sent actually beat the phone call from Fox, meaning he found out his TV show was getting made via an email from some doof he only knows from trading a couple fart and poop jokes with for a movie website. I find this all hilarious, and I want the show to run for a dozen seasons and win a zillion Emmys so I can drunkenly tell that story at weddings from now until the day I die.

Point being, I’m probably not the most objective reporter on this one.

]]>http://uproxx.com/tv/2013/03/christopher-meloni-will-star-in-the-new-fox-show-from-bill-lawrence-and-justin-halpern/feed/10dguproxxmeloniFrotcast 136: Tarantino Stories with Justin Halpern, Killer Joehttp://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2013/01/frotcast-136-tarantino-stories-with-justin-halpern-killer-joe/
http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2013/01/frotcast-136-tarantino-stories-with-justin-halpern-killer-joe/#commentsThu, 24 Jan 2013 16:52:46 +0000http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/?p=81836 download this week’s episode as an mp3 here (right-click, “save as.”) This week on the Frotcast, we bring on Justin Halpern, who just got tapped to make an I Suck At Girls pilot for Fox, based on his book. Justin shares some stories of his days working as a PA for Tarantino’s A Band Apart productions, including one about a leopard-print dice cup and Samuel L.]]>Listen on the player above, or download this week’s episode as an mp3 here (right-click, “save as.”)

This week on the Frotcast, we bring on Justin Halpern, who just got tapped to make an I Suck At Girls pilot for Fox, based on his book. Justin shares some stories of his days working as a PA for Tarantino’s A Band Apart productions, including one about a leopard-print dice cup and Samuel L. Jackson, and we both share PA stories. In addition, we talk Manti Te’o, discuss Killer Joe (which Brendan and Bret finally saw), and argue Oliver Stone vs. Brian DePalma. Enjoy, and check out Halpern’s new NBA podcast with Paul Shirley.

UPCOMING SHOWS: I’ll be doing comedy at Milk Bar (with Leslie Small, Eric Berry, Maronzio Vance) on January 29th as part of SF Sketchfest (Get cho tickets here), and The Hour of Power February 27th at the Hollywood Improv with Maria Bamford and Paul Scheer (Tickets here).