How setting intentions can help with the fear of commitment

At the end our last (sold out!) Hold Me Tight couples workshop in Nevada City, we created a ritual where each one of the couples gave an appreciation and expressed gratitude to their partners, made a commitment and set an intention, for and about their relationship.

It was a touching moment, many eyes got tearful. It struck a cord with many of the couples. Dreams were remembered, hopes were rekindled.

In the end of her book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Sue Johnson devotes a chapter to the idea of rituals and commitments, to keep love alive, and to maintain the benefit of the couples work done by reading the book, at the workshop, and in couple counseling.

Making a commitment to each other and setting an intention for the future of the relationship, are rituals most couples ‘do’ when they say ‘I do’…, however, I believe that there is a value in ‘re-committing’ as a regular, recurring ritual.

Once a relationship hits an obstacle or a ‘bump’, or worse, a serious injury, we fail to remember, and we forget to mention, the ‘good stuff’ of the relationship, and tend to focus on the injury.

What becomes obvious in the couples workshop, but is also transparent in the daily work I do with couples in my office, is that not only do we take each other for granted, and forget to acknowledge those attributes that originally attracted us to each other; we also tend to get focused and overwhelmed with the offenses, the injuries, and the wounds. We forget all about the gratitude and the appreciations. They get lost.

I once had a client who was a long-time, highly ranked veteran who said that in the military: “one ‘oh shit’, can erase a thousand ‘attaboys.'”

Setting intentions… If we do not know where we are going we may never get there… It is always a good practice to remind ourselves about the blessings in our life. Some partners like to keep a gratitude journal so as to create a ritual for themselves so they do not forget the ‘good parts’.

Commitments and rituals in relationship become a platform to come back to, and a practices to rely on. Rituals are interactions that work to build relationship when they are repeated, coordinated, and significant.

Having a relationship that is long lasting and secure is about helping you and your partner know that they are the most important part of your life .Your partner needs to feel more important to you than anyone else. Spending time and energy on the relationship is necessary in order for your words and actions to be consistent and therefore your partner feeling loved by you.

The fear to commit, before we get into a relationship can at time echo in the relationship itself.

“Commitment, either in relationships or life decisions, has become synonymous with loss of freedom and the need to compromise or settle. With emerging apps such as Tinder, and reality television shows, we are making the centuries-old practice of courtship into taboo. Our society is encouraged to engage in one-night stands and the pursuit of a “no-strings attached” relationship filled with emotionless and frivolous sex. We are not aware of the detrimental effect this has on the youth because we’re all victims, we sabotage ourselves to remain commitment-free.”

With the dating apps and dating sites being so available, and the next possible dating potential a click away, there is less of a need to make decisions or commitments. The FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) syndrome, makes us wonder if the ‘one’ is the ‘next one’, or the ‘other one’… With so many options in the dating world, the need to make a commitment is less crucial.

When we are afraid to make a commitment, to yourself, our job, our date, or our partners, we are missing the opportunity to go deeper into our fears and our vulnerability. We are keeping our self ‘safe’ so that we will not get hurt or rejected.

“You do it because you fear making the wrong decision. That may make sense to you but it is not very logical. Here is why: It is true that you take a risk when you commit to something or someone. However, you are also risking something by extending the wait for that “perfect” opportunity. In fact, the risk of losing the other opportunity is much greater than the risk of the commitment itself! Take a look at exceptional people and you will see that they were not afraid to take a risk and were rewarded by huge success and most importantly with personal growth and fulfillment in return. The cost of success and fulfillment is commitment. If you want to succeed, you need to commit to a goal or a cause.”

Even when we are in a ‘committed relationship‘ it is still imperative that we make it a regular ritual and intention, to remind ourselves and our partners, how much we value them.

In our Hold Me Tight workshops, participants start to look at the flow and cycles of their relationship. We get to identify and how fears hijacks the relationship over and over. We become raw and vulnerable and open up to our partners. Couples find way to re-connect with each other, and make a renewed commitment to their relationship.

Many of you have already been asking about our next Hold Me Tight workshop. Here are the the new dates (September 17-18th, 2016):

Owen brings with him the width of decades of leading and facilitating men’s group all over the country, helping men access their masculine vulnerability. Owen’s presence, and his work with couples and men, will enhance this upcoming Hold Me Tight workshop, by offering his depth, support, and perspective to the couples in our workshop.

As I keep the groups small and intimate, if you know you want to sign up, I will encourage you to do so shortly, as I do tend to fill up.

This is a great opportunity to have a deeper and vulnerable look at your relationship, develop new skills to recognize the cycle and patterns that inflict the relationship and keep you separated and apart, and it is also a beautiful time to connect and highlight the strengths of your relationship, and build on the positives that already exist.

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"I want to say thanks for the impact you have had on our lives. We could not have made in though this difficult time in our marriage with out your insight and support. We appreciate your guidance and the tools you have given us that help us communicate in a loving way." Warmest Regards

"You have helped me become a stronger mother, daughter and Me this year. I feel truly blessed to have you in my life. I feel excited and inspired…after all the work we have done in therapy I am ready for the New Year."

"I appreciate the time you spend with me each month. It has been so valuable to my health. Thank you for your love and patience with me. I feel you are the best in your profession!"

"I benefitted a lot from our counseling sessions and your therapeutic insights. I came away feeling good that I learned wonderful skills that will help me feel more confident in my relationships and my entire life. You have an open and healing heart!"

"I cannot thank you enough for doing so much for me. Thanks for always being a guiding light, a beacon of hope, a true enlightening spirit and a grounding force in my life!"

"I feel so lucky to have you in my life. Your therapeutic knowledge and understanding has shaped me to be who I am now. I am a better person for knowing you. Thank you for listening and for being so understanding!"

"You are an astute psychologist who listens and analyses better than anyone I have encountered in the profession, with which I am familiar after years of practicing law. Your sage assistance has helped many."

"My experience with Dalia has been very rich and has opened my mind in unexpected ways. It's revealing to see how issues that have troubled me for years, she can just formulate in one simple sentence and then it's up to me to face what I feel is true or leave aside what does not apply. Thanks for the insights."

Hold Me Tight® Workshop Testimonials

“The group dynamic in the HMT workshop is awesome and a powerful addition to my weekly sessions at the office. Dalia is very professional therapist and group leader. I felt safe, understood, held and validated.”

“Loved the facilitators, safe place for both of us to be vulnerable. Clear steps to ‘get it’ – we learned how to disarm communicate better and improve things. Our relationship improved a lot.”

“Communicating is not as frightening as I thought. I learned how to step into my partner’s shoes much better and how to step into my own shoes. We were able to see how our actions affect each other and understand how the demon cycle gets us.”

“I thought Dalia did an excellent job at guiding us, supporting us and helping when we got stuck. We felt validated, and learned how to do the same for each other. Great workshop."

“It was a very delightful and very productive workshop, and it was also so much fun!”

"Thank you both for the great class this past weekend. Thank you for your intervention. We both felt that neither of us was all in and it was blocking us from the true love that we both feel for each other. My eyes were opened when you said the word sacred about our bond that we have. Thank you again! I look forward to a long, healthy life with her!"

“Stuck in the same old patterns? This workshop will help you learn how to safely break those patterns and feel great about your relationship.”

“Superb workshop. Helped us learn new skills and connect on a deeper level. Highly recommended!”

"You are an incredible team. I love how you keep it real and seeing that we all have 'issues'. This is by far the best program we have ever attended, and we are going to recommend it to every couple we know, even if you feel your marriage is great."

“Give yourselves the gift of this workshop. Do your self the favor and go for it. It will change your life.”

“We learned that being vulnerable is the best thing we can do for each other.”

“The Hold Me Tight workshop was worth the investment. It was a safe place to open up to my partner on a deeper level. I am so grateful for this opportunity. I am grateful to this space and I know that it was an important step in taking our marriage from good to great.”

“This is an excellent workshop that will bring you closer as a couple. Dalia’s knowledge and experience helped us feel close, and be so much more vulnerable then I could imagined! You won't regret it! It will make your relationship so much better.”

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
~ Anaïs Nin

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"I want to say thanks for the impact you have had on our lives. We could not have made in though this difficult time in our marriage with out your insight and support. We appreciate your guidance and the tools you have given us that help us communicate in a loving way." Warmest Regards

"You have helped me become a stronger mother, daughter and Me this year. I feel truly blessed to have you in my life. I feel excited and inspired…after all the work we have done in therapy I am ready for the New Year."

"I appreciate the time you spend with me each month. It has been so valuable to my health. Thank you for your love and patience with me. I feel you are the best in your profession!"

"I benefitted a lot from our counseling sessions and your therapeutic insights. I came away feeling good that I learned wonderful skills that will help me feel more confident in my relationships and my entire life. You have an open and healing heart!"

"I cannot thank you enough for doing so much for me. Thanks for always being a guiding light, a beacon of hope, a true enlightening spirit and a grounding force in my life!"

"I feel so lucky to have you in my life. Your therapeutic knowledge and understanding has shaped me to be who I am now. I am a better person for knowing you. Thank you for listening and for being so understanding!"

"You are an astute psychologist who listens and analyses better than anyone I have encountered in the profession, with which I am familiar after years of practicing law. Your sage assistance has helped many."

"My experience with Dalia has been very rich and has opened my mind in unexpected ways. It's revealing to see how issues that have troubled me for years, she can just formulate in one simple sentence and then it's up to me to face what I feel is true or leave aside what does not apply. Thanks for the insights."