A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that my
friend Paul Proch had put himself up for auction on eBay. I
dont mean he was offering to live in the basement and keep
the floors waxed and the plants watered for life if you won the
auctionhe was offering himself for one night only. As he
put it:

"Your NIGHT OF ENCHANTMENT will commence
when you rendezvous with me, PAUL PROCH, at a convenient
pre-arranged location. Then you will accompany me, PAUL PROCH, to
the garden spot of the world  BROOKLYN, USA  for the
opening night world premiere of "Theatre for the New
Ear" at the ST. ANNS WAREHOUSE Theater..."

"Theater for the New Ear" is the
classy title for a pair of radio plays written and directed by
the Coen Brothers (Fargo, O Brother Where Art Thou) and Charlie
Kaufman (Being John Malkovich, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless
Mind). Opening night tickets were not easy to come by, since
(despite the Brooklyn location) the cast included Meryl Streep,
John Goodman, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Marcia Gay Harden, and
Steve Buscemi, but since Paul is Charlie Kaufmanns
erstwhile writing partner AND the guy who drew all those pictures
used in "Eternal Sunshine," he managed *cough* to snag
some.

(Paul also did the illustrations for *cough
cough* my last three books, available at extremely reasonable
prices at the Delaware Valley News office).

The description of Pauls proposed Night
of Enchantment continues for several paragraphs, concluding,
"Then, weary and languid as your NIGHT OF ENCHANTMENT nears
its conclusion, I will leave you with a waggish "adieu"
and your treasured memories of a NIGHT OF ENCHANTMENT. After
that, you're on your own. After all, I have to get up and go to
work thin the morning. I need my restIm not a
machine, you know. In addition, your entire NIGHT OF ENCHANTMENT
will be fully documented by PAUL PROCHs personal team of
photographers (his sister and her husband)."

I ask youhow could anyone (at least
anyone female between the ages of 25-50, as specified in the ad)
resist the urge to bid on this auction? Which, by the way, was
illustrated with a photograph of Paul wearing a
ski cap, goggles, and a smoking jacket, with his arm around a
stuffed gorilla*, captioned: "Thats right, one lucky
lady could be this gorilla for a price!"

And what was that price? I hope youre
sitting down. The Night of Enchantment went for $306.34. There
was a spirited bidding warby which I mean that at least two
different females were vying for the right to PAY Paul for the
pleasure of his company. And even though it took place online,
and the weapon of choice was money, it surely qualifies as an
example of Natures most awesome spectacle: a GIRL FIGHT!
Ideally, of course, both girls in a girl fight should be wearing
black underwear, and begin the fracas by throwing table lamps and
high heels at each other and gradually close the distance until
theyre grappling hand to hand, and in the course of the
struggle they rip each others blouses to shreds which is
how we find out about the black underwear, and then they tumble
into a nearby shallow canal, and the busty redhead yells,
"You keep your hands off him! Hes mine, you
bitch!" And then the incredibly hot blonde chick gives her a
shove and, um... er...

Well, this auction wasnt like that,
exactly, but its the same basic idea.

The winner was one Kathy Newland of Moore,
Oklahoma. And since among the many many conditions, disclaimers,
and caveats Paul included in his auction was, "The date does
not include your transportation to the initial, agreed-upon
convenient meeting location, or your return. So if youre in
California, or Guadalajara, or Moscow, or some other ridiculous
place outside of New York City, youll have to get here and
back on your own," she paid for her own transportation from
Oklahoma and hotel accommodations. (I suspect this means that her
out-of-pocket expenses for this Night of Enchantment added up to
more than $304.34).

Kathy, it turns out, is a married mother of
three and possibly the worlds biggest "Eternal
Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" fan, having seen it at least
40 times. Her husband of 20 years not only approved of her
bidding on the auction but encouraged it. Im not sure if he
saw the picture of Paul with his arm around the monkey or not.

So how did the date go? Did Paul (as his
auction notice promised) at least buy Kathy dinner at the
Brooklyn Diner on 57th Street in Manhattan?

PAUL: We ate at the Heartland Brewery, next to
the Empire State Building.

ME: What did you have?

PAUL: Nachos and beer.

ME: I see. And did you actually take her to the
play, or just rent some videotape ?

For some reason Paul cut the interview short at
that point, although later he told me that they "did
so" go to the play. "Afterwards, Charlie saw me and
came over and talked to us for a while; then he asked if we
wanted to stay for the opening night party, which was held in the
lobby with food and open bar. Kathy got to meet Meryl Streep,
Steve Buscemi and Peter Dinklage. Then around 1:00 AM she got in
a cab, went back to her hotel, and left for Oklahoma the next
morning. She said she had a wonderful time (even though we never
made it to the Brooklyn Diner) and that it was a dream come
true."

Noticing that he totally sidestepped the
videotape question, I felt it was necessary to interview Kathy to
get the real story. She backed up Pauls claim about really
going to the play and the after party, as well as the
wonderful time.

ME: Did Paul show you his stuffed monkey
collection? If so, which was your favorite?

KATHY: Unfortunately I didnt get to see
it, not enough time. Actually, I didnt know that one
existed. Did see the gorilla on eBay though.

ME: You ended up winning the auction with a bid
of $306.34. Were you prepared to go higher? If someone had bid
$306.35, would you have just said to hell with it? How much WOULD
you say a date with Paul is worth?

KATHY: Honestly, I would have bid until I won.
Paul is priceless....and the sweetest I might add.

ME: Did Paul make you pay for the nachos?

KATHY: No, he wouldnt let me. They were
good nachos too!

ME: Did any of the celebrities you met try to
borrow money from you?

KATHY: No!

ME: Not even Meryl
Oh-goodness-I-left-my-purse-in-the-dressing
room-could-you-loan-me-$30-for-cabfare Streep? How much did
Meryl Streep try to borrow from you, and has she made any effort
to pay it back yet?

KATHY: [politely suggests this was covered by
the previous question and answer]

So everyone seems to be happy with the way
things turned out. And why not? If we deduct the cost of the
nachos (and forget about airfare and hotel rooms and stuff) the
actual cost of a date with Paul works out to about $293. Get out
your check books, ladies! Mr. Proch is still available!

*CORRECTION! Mr. Proch writes:
"For the record, I wasn't wearing a ski
cap and goggles in the gorilla photo; I was wearing a fez with an eyeball on
it that I bought in Las Vegas, and "Goofy Glasses." Also, the gorilla was
wearing the eyeball glasses that Elijah Wood wore in Eternal Sunshine."