Church has me pulled two ways. Love and hate. I had no idea how much it was consuming me. Church has always been the one place I felt connected and loved. I always felt like it was a good place to be. I have been singing in church since I was a little girl. It is the only place that music ministers to me. I have always found inner peace and strength through music. I recently realized that that part of me has died. I do not feel any connection with church music whatsoever. I don’t know any songs, I have no song in my heart. I don’t know if God took that away from me or if I have killed it. I feel so much joy and servitude in my job and I wonder if God has placed that in my heart instead. I don’t understand. The other thing I have realized is that church is also the one place that I have never felt connected or accepted. I guess for me, church has always been a spiritual relationship and never a human relationship. When I was smaller, I was always the charity case. When I grew older, I was always the odd one. The youth group did not accept me and were not comfortable with my opinions and attitudes toward God and life. As an adult people criticized my leadership and were uncomfortable with my personage. I don’t know if they felt inferior or threatened by me or what. I was some sort of celebrity so people were afraid to actually be my friend. Now, I have none of those things in my hands and I still just don’t fit. There is no shape that I can conform to to fit in. They always know that I am just not the same as them. Music or not. Artist or not. Teacher or not. Mom or not. Woman or not. Wife or not. I just don’t fit. I guess this is a time of desert for me in some areas that I have always flourished in. I am blessed, I just don’t understand where church fits in for me now. So, I know that I need a “church family” and that relationships need to be real, but I just haven’t seen or found that in a while. I have had glimpses, but nothing has appeared. So, still waiting.

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I completely connected with everything you said here. I find a connection in the music of today’s christian singers like Casting Crowns and Sidewalk Prophets. Sometimes the community you seek is not at the church building but in the activities outside the building that lead to lasting relationships. Love you! “Aunt Karen”

So much truth and insight packed into this post. I think all of us feel like we don’t belong. That is why Christs call to unity and community is so hard and so needed. Selfishness, fear & lies compete to keep us from what we so desperately need. So would love to talk on this topic more in person. – Nathan