Thursday, January 31, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

CNN President Jeff Zucker has made some major moves, including firing James Carville and Mary Matalin and hiring Chris Cuomo. The changes were applauded to all three people who still watch CNN.

CNN President Jeff Zucker has made some major moves, including firing James Carville and Mary Matalin and hiring Chris Cuomo. Apparently Zucker is determined to see if he can get even lower ratings than he did while running NBC.

A Kansas City high school is going to be collecting samples of students’ hair for drug testing. Remember the days when kids could get expelled because they wouldn’t get a hair cut?

A French family was ordered to leave a museum in France because of their body odor. How bad do you have to smell to make other French people take notice?

A French family was ordered to leave a museum in France because of their body odor. That’s like getting kicked out of an Irish pub for being too drunk.

A study says that husbands who do more housework end up getting less sex. Except with Arnold Schwarzenegger, where more sex leads to no housework getting done.

A study says that husbands who do more housework end up getting less sex. Mostly because any time a husband does any housework, his wife knows he did something really bad.

A study says that gasoline with proposed higher ethanol content gums up engines. To which Chrysler owners are asking “How do you tell?”

A California woman robbed a bank while out on a test drive. When the seller was told she was looking for something that would be good for little getaways, he didn’t know she meant a getaway car.

A California woman robbed a bank while out on a test drive. And that was just to fill up the gas tank.

The Zimbabwe government bank account was reportedly down to $217 last week. Which means that it is still 16 Trillion and 217 dollars ahead of the U.S. government.

Jim Nabors married his male companion of 38 years. To which they said they were definitely not in Mayberry anymore.

A school shooting drill in Illinois will actually use the sound of recorded gunfire. Or as schools have come to know it, ambient noise.

The AKC says the Labrador retriever has taken the spot as the favorite dog for city dwellers over the Yorkshire terrier. Mostly because Yorkshire terriers have become the favorite snack for city dwelling Pit Bulls.

Former Illinois Governor George Ryan has been released from prison. Or as prison is called in Illinois politics, “on the job training.”

Former Illinois Governor George Ryan has been released from prison. The worst part is when Illinois Governors are asked how many terms did they serve, they always ask “In office or in prison?”

Former Illinois Governor George Ryan has been released from prison. Apparently he won an early release because a judge agreed it would be cruel and unusual punishment for him to be confused with Rod Blagojevich.

Defense spending has seen its biggest decline since the Vietnam War. It’s good to see it doesn’t cost any more to lose two wars than just one.

Defense spending has seen its biggest decline since the Vietnam War. Mostly because all the guns and bullets were already bought up by all the people worried about gun control.

Mike Tyson says that Lance Armstrong is an “awesome human being.” To which Armstrong says “Thanks, Mike. But I think my image is in bad enough shape already.”

Mike Tyson says that Lance Armstrong is an “awesome human being.” Which on the image meter is scored as a TKO.

Facebook saw a sharp drop in profits in the Fourth Quarter. Mostly because someone in the business office made the mistake of actually using company money to buy up some Facebook stock.

Researchers say that people spending personal time on social networks costs businesses $650 Billion a year. Ironically, most of the time is spent posting about how busy they are.

A study says that half of all student loan holders are deferring payments. Of course, most of the student loan holders are the students’ parents who are waiting until they qualify for Social Security to actually pay off the bills.

A study says that half of all student loan holders are deferring payments. Remember when the only reason to go to college was to defer the draft?

A study says that half of all student loan holders are deferring payments. Apparently the only way any of today’s college graduates will be able to pay off their loans is when they get their inheritance.

A report says the economy slowed down in the Fourth Quarter. How can anyone even tell anymore?

A report says the economy slowed down in the Fourth Quarter. Which is bad news for all the people down to their last quarter.

AAA says that car crashes on Super Sunday go up 75% in California. Mostly because of all the drivers in L.A. drinking excessively because they don’t have an NFL team anymore.

AAA says that car crashes on Super Sunday go up 75% in California. Mostly because people are racing to the tanning salon and back so they will look good at their Super Bowl party.

A study says that GM pickups and SUVs top the list for safest vehicles. Mostly because they guzzle so much gas that no one can actually afford to drive them anywhere.

A report says the U.S. gained 192,000 jobs in January. Mostly public relations people hired to explain why Beyonce lip synced the National Anthem at the Inauguration.

A study says that lungs from heavy smokers may be OK for transplants. You will be able to tell when the patient comes out of surgery sounding like Lucille Ball.

A study says that lungs from heavy smokers may be OK for transplants. What’s the point? That’s like someone getting Dick Cheney’s old heart.

Porn star Ron Jeremy underwent emergency surgery after having chest pain. The only problem was he kept asking all the nurses "Didn't I work with you in Candy Stripers 3”?

Taylor Swift is set to star in a Diet Coke ad campaign. It’s a good fit because her boyfriends treat her like a can of Diet Coke. They use it, it gives them some gas and they throw it away.

Taylor Swift is set to star in a Diet Coke ad campaign. Diet Coke is like her love life, always going around looking for the next guy with a six pack.

Lance Armstrong is calling for amnesty for cyclists who admit to using dope. In other words, he has exhausted all his legal options.

San Francisco 49er Chris Culliver says openly gay football players would be unwelcome. Does he realize which city he is playing for?

Dennis Rodman’s children’s book “Dennis the Wild Bull” has been released. Instead of a table of contents, it has a list of child psychologists in your area you might want to contact after your child actually reads the book.

Toyota has recalled 1 Million vehicles for problems with airbags and wipers. Which is bad because once the wipers quit working it’s only a matter of time before you will need the airbags.

Facebook says that New Year’s Day was its biggest ever, with 600 Million photos posted. Estimates are that as many as three of those photos were of people who had their clothes on and weren’t drunk.

Chrysler reported a profit of $1.66 Billion in 2012. Of course, that will turn into a loss just as soon as everyone brings in their 2012 Chryslers for warranty work in 2013.

British phone maker Vertu is introducing a line of Android phones that will cost upwards of $10,000. They come with their own bodyguard who will protect the user from people who are angry they are talking on their phone in a theater all through the movie.

British phone maker Vertu is introducing a line of Android phones that will cost upwards of $10,000. Apparently they even have a built in dial back feature when calls going through AT&T are dropped in the middle of calls.

Data says that iPhone users pay the highest phone bills. And that doesn’t even include the flowers, cards and candy that lonely men spend to send to Siri.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Groundhog’s Day is Saturday. People are wondering whether he will see his shadow or not. Apparently the groundhog is too scared to even look because it heard Ray Lewis was in the neighborhood. That didn’t even make any sense, but what’s new about that. What always makes sense is when you remember to send the love!