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September 17, 2009

Jesus Is The Derek Jeter Of Christianity

The world has been a cold, unfunny, foreboding place since November 13, 2008, the FJM crew decided to close up shop. However, there shone a ray of light and hope upon our hapless orb when Ken Tremendous, Junior, DAK took over Deadspin a couple of days ago.

Still, there is a question as to whether the MVP award really means all that much to Derek Jeter. As he put it on Aug. 23 after the Yankees beat the Red Sox -- a victory that Mr. Jeter paced by hitting a home run on the game's first pitch off Boston ace Josh Beckett -- "I'm not thinking about winning any awards right now. The only award that matters is that fifth World Series ring."

Joe Mauer, meanwhile, issued a different statement to the press after going 2-4 with a walk against the Cleveland Indians. "Fuck the World Series," said Mauer. "Seriously. Write that down. Fuck the World Series. If I ever win a World Series ring, I will literally just take it and fuck the tiny ring-hole." Mauer punctuated his remarks with a graphic, thrusting pantomime, presumably of what he would physically do to the World Series ring. Mauer added: "I don't give a flying goddamn about winning. I am an awards guy. I'm Joe Fucking Mauer. I only care about individual honors. How many times do I have to tell you guys that? Mauer out, fuckfaces!" Mauer then urinated on a picture of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett holding hands and stormed out of the clubhouse whistling a pro-al Qaeda anthem that he wrote himself earlier in the day.

5 comments:

The phrase "...delete America's pastime from your Facebook friends list" is the textbook definition of an adult writing about something "the kids" do when they don't really understand what that thing is. This isn't a question so much as an exhortation: please, people who don't really understand the internet – stop trying to use internet lingo. If you don't, I will text message your MySpace vlog and lol cats to the bit torrent meme!

"Jeter's 2,722nd career hit not only puts him in the company of Yankee legends, but also ranks him with an elite group of 675,000 additional baseball players past and present with fewer hits than Baines, who played for the Chicago White Sox, Texas Rangers, Oakland Athletics, Baltimore Orioles, Chicago White Sox again, Baltimore Orioles again, Cleveland Indians, Baltimore Orioles for a third time, and Chicago White Sox yet again, and is not a member of the Hall of Fame."