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U.S. Shifts Control of Drone Program from CIA to Pentagon to Teenagers

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Obama administration recently shifted control of its secret drone program from the CIA to the Pentagon.

The Pentagon was already involved in supervising these internationally illegal extrajudicial executions of innocent civilians in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Yemen, and Somalia, yet it decided the CIA needed more free time and energy to devote to protecting freedom around the globe. Thus, out of the infinite benevolence of its heart, the Pentagon took the drone program out of the hands of the CIA, to do with it what it wished (and it’s had a cold, lonely last few months).

John Brennan, the creator of the military’s predator drone program, and the director of the CIA, explained his support for this transition, positing, “Now, with the drone program out of our hair, we can devote ourselves to inventing even more inhumane, life- and community-destroying forms of monstrous terror to unleash upon those who refuse to give us their natural resources and refuse to become wage slaves for our multinational corporations.”

However, just days later, the Pentagon announced that it too will be shifting control of the drone program, this time to teenage first- (and third-) person shooter video game players across the country.

Chuck Hagel, U.S. Secretary of “Defense” (and member of the Chevron Board of Directors) explained the unexpected decision: “We are a civilization under attack, from all directions. Muslims everywhere want to wipe our country off of the face of the planet.”

A Colonel reporter briefly interrupted him to ask where he heard such a ridiculous thing, to which he replied, “The Quran.” When reminded that the U.S. did not exist at the time of the writing of the holy book, Hagel replied, “That depends on which translation you use.”

When asked what translation he uses, he answered, “Beck’s.” When the given name of Beck was inquired, he retorted, “Glenn Beck, duh.” The reporter asked whether Glenn Beck actually spoke Arabic, to which Hagel responded, “No, of course not; he’s not a barbarian,” and, “I trust his translation over any Arabic speaker’s.”

What’s even more interesting about this pronouncement is the transfer in power is to be put into effect immediately. The U.S. military is working with Activision Blizzard, Inc. as of the writing of this article.

Many lauded Hagel et al. for the speed with which they implemented this enormously complicated decision. Hagel admitted his secret: “If it were a social benefit program, it would take years, a decade, to implement. But this, this is a military program; this is a program that will protect our FREEDOM… and our profits… and kill innocent brown people! Throw in video games, and you can get it done overnight.”

Every Xbox® LIVE, PlayStation®Network, Wii Online, and PC Call of Duty account in the country was linked to a drone-operating facility within the geographical region of the individual that regularly uses that particular account. The most successful players in these online communities were given the drones with the most bombs; the rest are weighted according to a complex algorithm developed by MIT scientist I. R. Shill.

When reminded that not just males, but females, along with individuals from all age groups, play Call of Duty, and asked whether these people would too be involved in the new drone program, Hagel mumbled something about how “being p.c. is destroying the planet.”

Hagel then offered concluding remarks, explaining the Pentagon’s decision. “Teenage boys in this country are already playing games like Call of Duty for an average of 5 hours per day. They’re already killing innocent brown people, slaughtering children, blowing up houses—the sky’s the limit with this game! And we didn’t even have to train them! Why not make all that work useful? These boys could be serving their country! They could be protecting freedom!”

“And profits,” his public relations director reminded him, standing outside of the room, with a stethoscope to the door.