Finton’s Frolic: Is Thierry Henry’s Assist record a cursed and unbreakable one?

By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)

What up pimps?

Welcome back to the woke Finton’s Frolic, open minded vibes only zone. In today’s instalment, I will be discussing how the assist record set by Thierry Henry has yet to be broken despite so many valiant efforts from various assist-loving individuals. And furthermore, if said record is unbreakable because of a curse being placed upon it.

Throughout this lockdown, myself as well as many others have found ourselves bored out of our wits. This in direct effect can cause the mind to meander to strange places which one doesn't usually have the time to let it travel off to. And unfortunately for the like 12 people who read these, when my mind trudges off to said usually non-visited zones, I write about them. Whilst on a morning stroll I thought to myself how many players have come so close to the Henry assist record set in the 2002-2003 season, but they all have fallen just short. In this impressive season, the Arsenal all-time top goal scorer managed 24 goals along with 20 assists as well. This at the time, and to this day, remains an unprecedented feat by all but the Frenchman of course.

With a simple google search I found myself browsing through those who have managed the most assists in one Premier league season. I was taken to the Football Faithful webpage where an article called, “Five players with the most assists in a single Premier league season” by a writer by the name of Harry Diamond popped up. The list was portrayed as such:

5) Cesc Fabregas for Chelsea (2014/2015) with 18 assists

4) Kevin De Bruyne for Manchester City (2016/2017) with 18 assists

3) Frank Lampard for Chelsea (2004-2005) with 18 assists

2) Mesut Ozil for Arsenal (2014/2015) with 19 assists

It’s ironic that an Arsenal player came the closest to beating the record, but my random thoughts proved to be somewhat accurate in truth. Three players were just 3 assists off of breaking the record, and two off of drawing level with it. Ozil was just two shy of smashing it and a meager one short of tying it.

It is also worth noting that the number 4 individual on the list, De Bruyne, has an amazing 16 assists this season, prior to it coming to an abrupt halt. The Belgian playmaker’s side still have ten more games to play. So would/will the ginger assists machine break the record, or would/will he fall short as well?

If you were to ask me, which I know you would not because who the fuck actually cares, I would be inclined to say “no”, it would not happen. Like the American office’s main character Michael Scott, I am not superstitious, however I am a little stitious. There seems to be some magical force preventing even the most quality of assistants from smashing the record. All who have tried find themselves falling just short of the incredible record set by the French striker.

Now, we’ve heard of curses in football, is this yet another one? That one weird pundit on some British TV channel said that he peed on the Liverpool goal post to break their duct of being unable to win the premier league trophy. To be honest, he was probably not the only one to do so. I bet that Henry himself has released the kraken and opened the floodgates on the goal posts of Stamford Bridge, The Etihad and even Highbury.

Instead of the urine being placed upon a goal post to break a curse, Henry set one. As we know, he is a serial winner and I’m sure he does not want anyone breaking his record. Even if his main focus lies in coaching, that is his precious record and his curse riddled urine is sure to prevent the record from being shattered. The current Montreal Impact manager will probably read this and kill me for knowing his secret, and any who have read it as well. Watch your back ladies and gentlemen, this is incredibly powerful information, any who know it are in immediate danger.

And for any who have read this and have lost brain cells, I do sincerely apologise. Nonetheless, merci for coming along and reading this week’s Finton’s Frolic. Remeber to wash your hands and just stay the fuck inside, you are not an athlete and hate the outdoors. Now is not the time to get fit, because you never gave a shit before. And finally, without further adieu, a bid thee the most “little stitious”, toodloo…!