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In our modern workaday world, there are many things we need to be aware of at all times - and none of these things are more important than how impressive our sword skills look. Are they too slick? Are they too scary and impressive? One thing's for sure - swords are extremely powerful, and by moving a sword back and forth really fast you can deflect bullets.

little munchkin

the sun glints off the blade of my sword as I swing it through the air. you can tell that I'm a person you don't really want to mess with, when I have my sword on me

Macnult

i twirl my sword outwards, then inwards, following it up with a move allowing it to rest underneath my armpit before i do the same motion again

Darkman Fanpage

my japanese steel slices through the air effortlessly. i like to imagine there is a man standing in front of me. lets call him derek, who is not a stand in for my childhood bully who was not named derek. suffice to say that derek is dispatched by my graceful wielding of my magnificent blade. i often feel that i was born in the wrong time and continent. if i had been born in nippon (that is japanese for japan) in the 1600s i would have been a samurai.

Ultra Spoot

What I think i'm doing: my intense daily sword training workout which i use to keep my body perfectly toned to deal with enemies such as my asshole dad or mean trolls online

What i'm actually doing: flailing my sword and nerd body around wildly while half humming the sephiroth theme and singing "SEPHIROTH!!!" real loudly every time it gets to that part of the song

free Trapt CD

much like mr rogers wants everyone to know they are a special person who deserves to be loved, i want you to know that i, more than other people, am prepared to slay you utterly with my sword if you trick me again with the ole 'shoe polish on the telescope' number.

Twenty Four

Sitting at the bar, brandishing the plastic cocktail sword from my appletini.

Splatmaster

I unsheath my sword, revelling in the sound it makes as the steel slides out of the custom made scabbard. I re-sheath my blade, again marvelling at the pure sound of steel on the oil soaked wool that lines the inside of the scabbard. I pull the blade free again, listening closely to the steel gliding over the wool which has been meticulously soaked in the rust-preventing, blade preserving oil. I consider the smith who forged my blade as I am now re-sheathing my marvelously forged steel blade, it's edge glistening in the early morning sun as it disappears back into the sheath.

He heats the blade, hammering it over and over again, folding the steel upon itself, his hammer hitting the anvil one time for every three times it strikes the red-hot steel, which is even now sliding either into or out of the sheath, depending on whether or not I was drawing or re-sheathing it as I consider the smith who forged my blade. This will be how my enemies find me, pulling out my blade and then re-sheathing it, the sound of the steel sliding over the wool which is soaked in the precious preserving oil. Will I be ready? Just one more re-sheathing and I will join the battle in earnest! I must re-sheath it, to make sure it is properly coated in oil. Just one more time...

cda

i do moves as if I'm holding a sword., my enemies are confused. perhaps i have an invisible sword

vanisher

I will often do some sick moves with my broom. Because its not evenly weighted its an extra challenge and test of my skills.

little munchkin

a lot of people think swords are lame and only for dudes who wear fedoras. those people are actually thinking of katanas, which are different from swords. swords are incredibly dangerous

FutonForensic

i press a button on a the audio system control. "Africa" by Toto starts blaring in surround sound. i'm methodically moving about the room with the blade, in a manner that's cool & fresh, yet distinctly Bushido in style. Bobby Kimball starts blaring on the refrain. in one swift motion, i cut down mom's Precious Memories figurines like so much chaff. i am a warrior

Ultra Spoot

Every time i have to write something down while other people are around, i do sword moves with the pen first. This lets people know i could kill tuem at any moment and that i'm basically john wick times a billion

Eugene V. Dabs

*me swinging a spiralizer wildly* it's a safety sword, i feel so safe

cda

"listen, buddy" i point to my hip, "this is where my sword would be, if i had my sword on me right now, which you're lucky i don't. but i could go get it at any time, because i have these" i show him my car keys and flip them gracefully from hand to hand

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.