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Your own personal food manifesto.

I often find myself believing my own preferences in foods to be cold, hard facts, even if it's a weird thing that no one else likes (which it often is). So here is my patented guide to eating well. The Treez way. The only way. If you have your own preferences that you wish to share, please do so.

Ketchup is the most worthless, vile condiment of all time. No one above the age of 6 has an excuse to eat ketchup under almost any circumstances whatsoever. Especially not on burgers, sandwiches, or hot dogs, but what most people don't understand is that it's not even OK on french fries. Doesn't matter what kind of fries they are; ketchup is horrible on them. Opt for barbecue sauce (and not Kraft or some bullshit brand) or mustard instead. If they're shoestring fries then there's nothing better than drenching them in a mild pepper sauce to the point where they're somewhat soggy, and then eating them with a fork and knife. Trust me on that. The only thing that ketchup is ever acceptable on is tater tots, and that's just because they suck if they're dry, and nothing else goes on them.

Cooked carrots are also an abomination. Especially those zig-zaggy cooked carrots that pollute otherwise edible Chinese mixed vegetable dishes (pick those the fuck out). And they also suck if served in those disgusting cylindrical shapes alongside some bland chicken and mashed potatoes as a part of some white American family home-cookin' dish. The only time cooked carrots are acceptable is as an ingredient in soup. They go well in many chicken broth-based soups, but only if there are noodles and other vegetables. Thinly shredded cooked carrots can be good in Vietnamese soups, too. Otherwise, avoid them. Raw carrots are awesome, though, especially if thinly shredded and chilled.

Know what's a pretty good healthy snack? Green onions. Just wash them and chomp on several stalks at once. It's not bad if you drink water while doing it. You know how people get sort of hooked on the pleasant tingle of sour or spicy foods after they eat them enough to get used to it? It works for bitter stuff like onions too, but most people don't bother trying it. Go for green onions though because they're mild, sweet, and easy to eat with no prep. Mexicans eat them as "cebollitas" with salt and lime juice, but they're good even without that, plus they are freakishly nutritious and surprisingly filling.

The best drunken hot dog from a drunken hot dog stand I've ever had was topped with potato salad, crushed potato chips, mustard, ranch, Old Bay seasoning, and hot sauce. Like most awesome drunken hot dog stand combinations, it sounds disgusting until you try it. Mmmmmm. (A typical New York spicy-mustard-and-sauerkraut dog, plus cheese and soy sauce mixed with hot sauce, is an even more disgusting-sounding runner-up, but I maintain that both are fucking delicious).

The greatest vegetables of all time are roasted poblano peppers. You can blend them with sour cream or Mexican sweet cream and make great sauces for chicken, stuff them with rice and beans, or just melt a little cheese on them and eat them as they are. Magical.

Mushrooms should be sauteed in vermouth. Unless you're serving them with Italian food or something like that.

Pasta should only be boiled for one minute less than the minimum time suggested on the package. Max. If it's still too crunchy to eat after that, then your stove just sucks.

Salad dressing is for losers. Instead just douse your greens with lemon juice and olive oil, and a little salt and pepper. If it complements the other stuff you're eating, you can skip the salt and pepper and add a not-too-thick teriyaki sauce instead. Teriyaki sauce is also a must on kale salad. Oil and vinegar is an OK alternative on a crunchier base like iceberg or romaine, but there's rarely a good reason to base a salad on anything other than spinach, mesclun greens, or kale.

Overly salty foods are like women with really big tits. I technically like it. My gut reaction is, "mmm, that's good shit." But I'm being served that food at a restaurant, after a little while, though I still enjoy it at a sensory level, I'm like "come on, man, anyone can cover their food in salt," and I'll strain to find the actual flavor that I'm supposed to be tasting beneath all that salt, and the salt masks whether it's actually good or not. When I'm initially distracted by a woman's massive gazombas, there's a short period of mesmerization, but you snap out of it and realize whether she's actually attractive or not. However, when I make my own food at home, I always taste it before adding salt, and it's usually quite good if it's a recipe I've practiced, but yet I still add a fuckton of salt- way more than I would if I were to serve other people. I like salt. It tastes good. I just don't like it if I don't know or can't tell what else is in the food. I suppose if I were some kind of creepy scientist who designed his own perfect robot woman, she'd be very attractive, but she'd still probably have fairly large breasts. So I guess it makes perfect sense.

I can't cook a whole lot of things, but I sure make a badass soup, salad or blended fruit smoothie/milkshake, as well as seasoned salmon atop spinach. By the way, there is well over half a dozen types of vegetables in both the soup and the salad. I agree that ketchup is pretty gross, but I can not agree with you on many of the other things.
I prefer to eat celery and peanut butter with chocolate chips on top. Mixing granola and partially thawed frozen berries with Greek yogurt is also so delicious.

I get the feeling that most of your post is just to fuck with us. You don't come off as very serious.

Last edited by "Melyssa K" Kennedy; 12-22-2012 at 02:36 AM.

I said, "Hi, Greg. I'm the creepy girl." He chuckled, then wanted a handshake and I gave it. I wanted a hug and he gave it. One of his sons was there, too. Cute. Then Pete got him to autograph my sign for me because I was too polite to ask myself since he was on his way to eat. Pete also took this of photo of him holding it. - 8/2/2014.https://twitter.com/PeteParada/statu...56317329436672
Our official webpage: http://offspringunderground.com/

I get the feeling that most of your post is just to fuck with us. You don't come off as very serious.

I do aim to entertain, but that would be quite a lot of random food preferences to just invent, don't you think? I don't think that would be very fun. Let me try it though:

You should always totally eat steak with Gummi Bears and butterscotch syrup. Totally, man. If you don't like it then I hate you and you deserve to die!!

Mouse fetus pizza. If you don't like it, go fuck yourself you piece of shit!!

Nope. Not workin'.

OK, back to reality whoop there goes gravity. Melyssa, that stuff looks good. I'm still not too good with getting the presentation of my dishes right, but at least my food tastes good. What else is on the salad besides salmon?

OK, back to reality whoop there goes gravity. Melyssa, that stuff looks good. I'm still not too good with getting the presentation of my dishes right, but at least my food tastes good. What else is on the salad besides salmon?

Hmm, that salad has a base of spinach, cheddar or jalapeno cheese cubes, carrots, radishes, red peppers, tomatoes, cucumbers, probably avocado, spices, diced jalapeno peppers, and one or two hard-boiled eggs. I don't think I put flax seeds or Parmesan cheese on that one. I also sometimes add chick peas or some black beans, green peppers, pieces of green olives, celery, tuna, or white meat chicken. I like variety, but I won't put all of those into one salad.
Now I'm craving egg salad. Seriously now, I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

Last edited by "Melyssa K" Kennedy; 12-22-2012 at 03:00 AM.

I said, "Hi, Greg. I'm the creepy girl." He chuckled, then wanted a handshake and I gave it. I wanted a hug and he gave it. One of his sons was there, too. Cute. Then Pete got him to autograph my sign for me because I was too polite to ask myself since he was on his way to eat. Pete also took this of photo of him holding it. - 8/2/2014.https://twitter.com/PeteParada/statu...56317329436672
Our official webpage: http://offspringunderground.com/

Ketchup is the most worthless, vile condiment of all time. No one above the age of 6 has an excuse to eat ketchup under almost any circumstances whatsoever. Especially not on burgers, sandwiches, or hot dogs, but what most people don't understand is that it's not even OK on french fries. Doesn't matter what kind of fries they are; ketchup is horrible on them. Opt for barbecue sauce (and not Kraft or some bullshit brand) or mustard instead. If they're shoestring fries then there's nothing better than drenching them in a mild pepper sauce to the point where they're somewhat soggy, and then eating them with a fork and knife. Trust me on that. The only thing that ketchup is ever acceptable on is tater tots, and that's just because they suck if they're dry, and nothing else goes on them.

I agree with you 100% that ketchup is a sorry excuse for a "condiment", but I also think "condiments" suck in general. I much prefer a real sauce. Barbecue sauce is marginally better, but I'd rather dip my fries in a curry sauce. I guess mustard can be considered a condiment, but I only buy dark mustard in a glass jar, where you can see the seed bits. So I don't really use it like a condiment, but little dabs here and there. And nothing else goes on tatar tots?? Man, have you NOT tried seasoned sour cream sauce on tatar tots?? Best ever.

I am a sauce fiend.

Cooked carrots are also an abomination. Especially those zig-zaggy cooked carrots that pollute otherwise edible Chinese mixed vegetable dishes (pick those the fuck out). And they also suck if served in those disgusting cylindrical shapes alongside some bland chicken and mashed potatoes as a part of some white American family home-cookin' dish. The only time cooked carrots are acceptable is as an ingredient in soup. They go well in many chicken broth-based soups, but only if there are noodles and other vegetables. Thinly shredded cooked carrots can be good in Vietnamese soups, too. Otherwise, avoid them. Raw carrots are awesome, though, especially if thinly shredded and chilled.

Once again, I totally agree with your assessment on carrots. However, carrots are also awesome in a good stew or goulash. But plainly boiled carrots are DISGUSTING. Raw carrots can be okay - shredded on top of a salad, absolutely. And I'm relatively okay with carrots in a vegetable platter with a fantastic dip. They have more flavor than celery, and are one of the few vegetables you can easily scoop up sauce with. Again, though, it's all about the sauce

Know what's a pretty good healthy snack? Green onions. Just wash them and chomp on several stalks at once. It's not bad if you drink water while doing it. You know how people get sort of hooked on the pleasant tingle of sour or spicy foods after they eat them enough to get used to it? It works for bitter stuff like onions too, but most people don't bother trying it. Go for green onions though because they're mild, sweet, and easy to eat with no prep. Mexicans eat them as "cebollitas" with salt and lime juice, but they're good even without that, plus they are freakishly nutritious and surprisingly filling.

Okay this one is new for me. Really? I'd still definitely need a sauce/dip, but I might have to try that.

The best drunken hot dog from a drunken hot dog stand I've ever had was topped with potato salad, crushed potato chips, mustard, ranch, Old Bay seasoning, and hot sauce. Like most awesome drunken hot dog stand combinations, it sounds disgusting until you try it. Mmmmmm. (A typical New York spicy-mustard-and-sauerkraut dog, plus cheese and soy sauce mixed with hot sauce, is an even more disgusting-sounding runner-up, but I maintain that both are fucking delicious).

That hot dog sounds AMAZING. The second one sounds gross, though - soy sauce on a hot dog? Meh. Without the soy sauce, though, that'd sound really good. Speaking of crushed potato chips, I've taken to making use of the leftover crumbs from the bottom of the bag by sprinkling them on my pasta or rice dishes. I never eat the crumbs because I can't dip them in anything, and there's too much salt involved to eat them straight... but they add a nice crunch and a bit of flavor to my pastas and rices.

The greatest vegetables of all time are roasted poblano peppers. You can blend them with sour cream or Mexican sweet cream and make great sauces for chicken, stuff them with rice and beans, or just melt a little cheese on them and eat them as they are. Magical.

Peppers are the vegetables of the gods. All of them. Every single one.

Mushrooms should be sauteed in vermouth. Unless you're serving them with Italian food or something like that.

Okay, here's where you lost me. When I saw the word "mushrooms", I expected/hoped you were about to follow that with "should never be eaten, or you might as well go lick somebody's athlete's foot" or "are completely disgusting in every way because who wants to eat fungus?" I am disappoint.

Pasta should only be boiled for one minute less than the minimum time suggested on the package. Max. If it's still too crunchy to eat after that, then your stove just sucks.

Okay, we can be friends again. Al dente pasta ftw. I hate it when my pasta is overcooked - it gets sticky and loses its flavor. Ugh. But all is well in the world when the pasta is whole grain. It's almost impossible to overcook wholegrain pasta, and that is fantastic.

Salad dressing is for losers. Instead just douse your greens with lemon juice and olive oil, and a little salt and pepper. If it complements the other stuff you're eating, you can skip the salt and pepper and add a not-too-thick teriyaki sauce instead. Teriyaki sauce is also a must on kale salad. Oil and vinegar is an OK alternative on a crunchier base like iceberg or romaine, but there's rarely a good reason to base a salad on anything other than spinach, mesclun greens, or kale.

I'm all about oil and vinegar (and black pepper - usually no salt, though) on salads. I also dig pumpkin seed oil, but that's not a thing in the US. American-style dressing is kinda gross - way too thick and fatty, and totally hides all the flavor of the vegetables.

Overly salty foods are like women with really big tits. I technically like it. My gut reaction is, "mmm, that's good shit." But I'm being served that food at a restaurant, after a little while, though I still enjoy it at a sensory level, I'm like "come on, man, anyone can cover their food in salt," and I'll strain to find the actual flavor that I'm supposed to be tasting beneath all that salt, and the salt masks whether it's actually good or not. When I'm initially distracted by a woman's massive gazombas, there's a short period of mesmerization, but you snap out of it and realize whether she's actually attractive or not. However, when I make my own food at home, I always taste it before adding salt, and it's usually quite good if it's a recipe I've practiced, but yet I still add a fuckton of salt- way more than I would if I were to serve other people. I like salt. It tastes good. I just don't like it if I don't know or can't tell what else is in the food. I suppose if I were some kind of creepy scientist who designed his own perfect robot woman, she'd be very attractive, but she'd still probably have fairly large breasts. So I guess it makes perfect sense.

Hahahahaha fantastic analogy, and I mostly agree with it. I almost never add salt to stuff, though. I love salty foods (pizza, chips, etc), but in a good dish, I hate added salt. Most ingredients contain salt as it is, so I don't need to add more. Olive Garden does this but with parmesan - if we douse your meal with enough parmesan, you won't be able to taste the fact that this dish has absolutely zero flavor to it!

My own personal food manifesto is that anyone who refuses to eat anything edible just because they don't like it is a big crying faggot. Picking out the boiled carrots? Not eating mushrooms, the king of all vegetables? I mean, I understand not going out of your way for food you dislike, but choosing not to eat something when it's sitting right there in front of you, waiting to be eaten? Just eat it. It's food. There are starving children in Africa, and when Mad Max happens you'll need to keep your strength up so you can eat them before they eat you.

Also, ketchup is a godsend when you're sometimes too lazy to cook something until four or five days past the expiry date but still want to eat it.

I just avoid buying things I don't like. That way, they aren't sitting in front of me, begging to be eaten.

I said, "Hi, Greg. I'm the creepy girl." He chuckled, then wanted a handshake and I gave it. I wanted a hug and he gave it. One of his sons was there, too. Cute. Then Pete got him to autograph my sign for me because I was too polite to ask myself since he was on his way to eat. Pete also took this of photo of him holding it. - 8/2/2014.https://twitter.com/PeteParada/statu...56317329436672
Our official webpage: http://offspringunderground.com/

My own personal food manifesto is that anyone who refuses to eat anything edible just because they don't like it is a big crying faggot. Picking out the boiled carrots? Not eating mushrooms, the king of all vegetables? I mean, I understand not going out of your way for food you dislike, but choosing not to eat something when it's sitting right there in front of you, waiting to be eaten? Just eat it. It's food. There are starving children in Africa, and when Mad Max happens you'll need to keep your strength up so you can eat them before they eat you.

Also, ketchup is a godsend when you're sometimes too lazy to cook something until four or five days past the expiry date but still want to eat it.

Mushrooms aren't vegetables and fuck anyone who eats that shit. Also, I don't buy mushrooms and I don't boil carrots, so it's pretty easy to avoid eating. Of course, if someone tries to serve me that shit, I throw it in their face and storm out. Or just suck it up and eat it.

And a shitload of crushed red pepper and/or tabasco is farrrrr better for not-so-good food you wanna mask the flavor of. Ketchup is pretty weak for that.