Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 5-21-12

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. Cell phones, while a great convenience, are even better at generating funny stories for this column. I’ve got two recent great examples.

My ol’ New Mexico buddy, Albie Kirky, and his better half stopped by for a one-day fishing trip on their way to visit Mrs. Kirky’s mother in eastern Iowa. As usual, we had a great time fishing and we caught a lot of fish. Mrs. K out-fished both of us old codgers – catching the biggest catfish (8 pounds) and biggest bass.

They headed to Iowa the next morning with a freezer full of fish fillets and a box full of my farm-fresh eggs. I jokingly told them that Mrs. K’s mom could fix them a scrumptious fish omelet for breakfast.

But, back to my story. About six hours after they left, I got a call on my cell phone from Mrs. K requesting that I phone the Chase County sheriff’s office on Albie’s behalf.

When I inquired as to the reason, Mrs. K explained that I needed to pick up Albie’s cell phone there. Seems that someone had found a cell phone on the road and the honest soul turned it in to the sheriff’s office.

Albie said he’d put the cell phone on the roof of his vehicle while they were loading up and he drove off with the cell right there where it became a victim of momentum and gravity.

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I later learned that Albie suffered a similar mental lapse a few months ago, but that time he left his i-Pod on the roof of his vehicle when he drove off. He wuzn’t so lucky that first time. The person who found it (certainly not as honest of Chase Countians) is probably, at this very moment, enjoying the finest collection of old-time country/western music that Albie could accumulate.

Oh, by the way, I called the sheriff and they are holding Albie’s cell phone in safe keeping until I get to town to retrieve it.

***

One of my neighbors, ol’ Harley Ryder, stopped by the other day and informed me that I shouldn’t ever have to buy a new cell phone again.

When I asked, “Why?,” Harley said it wuz because he is growing a crop of cell phones for all his family and friends.

Seems that last week, when he wuz working at his farm, he dropped his cell phone on the ground and worked it into the nice seedbed.

Harley said, “With a little rain, a little luck, and good cell phone germination, he’d have a bumper crop of new cell phones to give away this fall.”

Hum-m-m. Well, I need one because mine’s older than dirt, so I’ll be waiting.

***

It’s been awhile since my good friend – saddlery owner, cowboy, artist, and musician Sol E. Mender, has been victimized by a mental lapse worthy of a true story in this column. But, now he’s done it again, and, in keeping with this week’s theme, it, too, involves his cell phone.

Seems that last Sunday afternoon about six o’clock ol’ Sol decided he’d worked hard all week and had earned a late afternoon snooze. So, he settled down in his easy chair and soon wuz fast asleep.

When he awoke with a startle, he looked at a clock in his home and it read eight o’clock. He felt so refreshed and full of energy that he wuz sure he’d slept the whole night through and immediately started planning his day’s work. “Let’s see, I need to check on the cattle, feed the horses, etc.,” he told himself.

So, he pulled on his boots, donned a light jacket, and headed out into the early dawn in his pickup to check the cattle first. The area had been under a heavy thunderstorm and tornado alert on Sunday, so Sol figgered that’s why the dawn wuz so dark.

As he drove along, it kept getting darker and darker and Sol thought to himself, “We must be in for a big storm. I’ve never seen it this dark before in the morning.” Just to be sure, he checked his cell phone and discovered the battery wuz dead. So, he plugged it into his pickup’s cell phone receptacle.

By the time he’d driven to the pasture, Sol couldn’t believe how dark it wuz, so he picked up his cell phone again and checked the time. He wuz stunned to discover it read 9 P.M.

That’s right. It wuz still Sunday evening. He’d only slept a couple of hours, not all night.

Sol sez he went ahead and checked the cattle. But the sad thing about the whole episode, he noted, wuz that he felt fully rested and refreshed Sunday evening, but felt draggy and out of energy when he awoke on Monday morning and had to face a full day’s work.

***

Better close this column with some words of wisdom about cell phones. These come from some gal named Marilyn vos Savant. She said, “E-mail, instant messaging, and cell phones give us fabulous communication ability, but because we live and work in our own little worlds, that communication is totally disorganized.”

I agree, especially if one’s mind is old and disorganized. Have a good ‘un, but keep your cell phone in your pocket.