SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: When we negotiated chores with The Wife we agreed to weekly kitchen sweeping.

SVP of Justification & White Lies: Yes, but The Wife agreed to weekly bathroom cleanings, which also don't happen.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: The bathrooms are fine.

SVP of Justification & White Lies: So is the kitchen floor! Not sweeping is a victimless crime. Not even a crime. A slight infraction of household guidelines. We agree to "weekly" sweeping, and then sweep it whenever it looks dirty. Which is roughly how often the bathrooms get cleaned.

CEO: So everything gets cleaned once he notices it's dirty?

SVP of Justification & White Lies: Yes.

CEO: (to Spousal Monitoring) Do you agree with that?

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: Yes, but--

CEO: I don't see a problem. Nothing to disclose. There's basically a subliminally negotiated laziness truce between him and The Wife. Let it be.

SVP of Justification & White Lies: See? This is what I'm talking about.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: It feels like an omission.

SVP of Justification & White Lies: It is.

CEO: What else?

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: Although he has agreed to be on a diet with The Wife, he regularly sneaks entire servings of sorbet.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: I feel like this is dishonest.

CEO: She knows he eats the sorbet. There are entire cartons of frozen desserts missing from the freezer. Again, there is nothing to disclose. Let's move on.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: Fine. The shower.

SVP of Justification & White Lies: Here we go.

CEO: They have separate bathrooms, each with their own shower. It's a beautiful system.

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: Yes, but there was an oversight when they moved in.

CEO: What kind of oversight?

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: We were recently in The Wife's bathroom and noticed her shower is quite a bit smaller than his.

CEO: How much smaller?

SVP of Spousal Monitoring & Marital Bliss: It's about half the size of his shower.

CEO: Half?!

SVP of Justification & White Lies: We hung shower curtains when we moved in, but the curtains are almost always closed.

CEO: You want to tell The Wife that for the last eight months we've been showering in some sort of deluxe-sized mutant shower, while she's been using a narrow half-measure that you can't even turn around in without grazing the curtain with your ass and sending chills up your spine?