Lonely Prince Harry – No Girlfriend.

When I read the headline “The Loneliness of Prince Harry” in the Daily Mail today I immediately removed all my clothes and then covered myself in aloe gel. Because yes, somebody needs to be a royal Kleenex.

Next month Harry will turn 30. All his friends are now married but he is still without a girlfriend, a partner or a wife. The royal events he attends with Prince William and his sister-in-law Kate have become known as ‘three-handers’ because there’s no woman in boiling panties to be seen holding hands with poor lonely Harry.

Even that picture above (originally posted by US weekly) which shows Harry lounging by a pool in Miami with his legs wide open and wearing a face that says, “Come sit on this and call me King” could tempt the skinny assed blondes of Kensington into marrying one the royalist of royals.

I still don’t know why Harry stopped humping on Chelsy Davy. She was always my favorite. She looked like she smelt of vodka, foundation and old cigarettes. Who wouldn’t want to inhale that? Harry must be dim in the brains for letting her go.

As for Cressida Bonas. Well erm uh… what to say about a girl who’s eyebrows are registered as Cara Delevingne’s stand-ins. I did like her name though. It sounds like a Bond girl or the name of a Toyota dealership but all the Royal insiders were wrong for calling her ‘the one’.

And THE QUEEN. What about her? She wants to see her Windsor genes going into overdrive with engagement talk, wedding pictures and pregnancy rumours. Yes, Queenie wants a litter of royal gingers running around her palaces and she wants them now!

So a Prince Harry without a ‘vagine royale’ has to be a joke and the joke has to be on all of us.