Friday, February 01, 2008

True Wife Confession 234 Unterseeboot

My apologies for the mashed up confessions - I was traveling on Thursday and clearly not attentive enough!

Confession #2331

I think I’ve got my husband convinced that having children is a terrible idea. Part of me feels awful and manipulative, because I don’t think he would have decided to be childless had I not filled his head with all of my doubts and worries, but a bigger part of me is so incredibly relieved I can’t even describe it. I think I’d be a lousy, selfish, angry mom, and I think our marriage is wonderful right now. I don’t want anything to change.

Confession #2332

You’re right, you will always disappoint me. You never hold me when I cry, or listen to my fears, or just show up because you know I need you. And you never will. I don’t know if that’s just the kind of guy you are, or if you just don’t care enough about me.

But what hurts even more? More than the lack of compassion? That you know I need and want those things, but you still won’t do them. You just get mad and upset when I ask for them, and say, “I always disappoint you”.

So that’s why I broke up with you last night. I miss you so much already, but my heart hurts so much more when I feel like you’re neglecting me. I can only hope I’ll find a man to care about me, and you find a It sucks to know that after 4 years "invested" in this relationship that I was never #1. I always knew it in the back of my mind, but I guess it hurts to admit. You leaving me to take care of someone else gave me the courage I know I need to leave you. I just wish it wasn't so. Despite the fact that I know the best thing for me to do is move on, my heart hurts to know I HAVE to do it. I have never had so much joy, fun, laughter, pain and heartbreak all at once.

Confession #2333

Every day I wake up and think to myself “is this all there is? Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?” and it makes me so sad. It feels like my life ended the day we go married. The fun and loving person I knew before is totally gone and there is this boring, uptight, bossy stranger in his place. Where did you go? Are you ever coming back?

Confession #2334

I don't know if you are aware of just how close Icame to leaving you. I am so thankful that yougave in. Of all people I know how important it isto compromise, but I couldn't this time. Not onthis issue. Thank you for having a change ofheart. It saved our marriage.

Confession #2335

You know, just once I'd like to tell you about something in my life and have you be actually interested. You freak about this fucking race every stupid year when it comes, and all you can think of is how you can get back down there for the next one. Well, you know what? If it's that big a damn deal, then go. And stay there. Because if that's the kind of life you want, I'm never going to fit in with you. It's not what I want. I don't want to spend my life watching people risk everything they have just to for the thrill of going really fast in a stupid circle. I want a real life, something to show for what I've done in my time here, someone to share my life with that will share with me also. And you say to me that you wanted me to be a part of that because it was a big part of your life. What about my life? What about my dreams and my needs, and beyond that, what about our daughter? That kind of thing isn't the place for her, and it's not a place for me either. It's not something I would have fun with, and it's just a place where Joey would be on your nerves, because when you were always there before, you could do whatever you wanted, you could run around with whoever you wanted. Don't you see that even if you went again and brought us it wouldn't be the same for you? There's a reason your dad never brings his wife and daughter with him, it's because they don't belong there, they wouldn't want to see it, and they most likely shouldn't see him the way he acts in places like that. Why would you want me to go? And to take Joey? Matter of fact, if you really loved us, why would you want to go to a place where you have that kind of past and those kinds of memories? I wish I could come to you and tell you all of this, tell you how I feel and what I'm thinking, but I know that it wouldn't do any good anyway, because you really don't want to hear it. You aren't interested if it's not all about you, are you? So I'll just keep it to myself, but you should know that somewhere in this world is someone who would be interested, someone who'd want to hear what I've got to say, and would have something to say back to me. Someone who would mean it when they tell me that no matter what, I can always come to them if I need to talk. And then you can remember times like these when you didn't want to hear it, because you'll be alone while I'm out talking to the man who wants me enough to listen.

Confession #2336

Every morning I wake up and I feel nothing but humiliation and impotent rage. Somedays I think it would be easier if i just drifted away and died, everyone would be better off.

Confession #2337

I felt so awful the other day - and when I called, you instantly knew something was wrong. When I got to you, you sat down and told me to tell you everything - and I did. All the weird crazy jumbly shit that rolls around in my head and you talked me through it. You didn't try to make light of my fears, you didn't try to tell me how to fix it. You just listened. When I was finally done, you kissed the tears from my eyes and told me how much you love me and how beautiful I am and how everything is going to be all right. That is how I know I love you. I come to you for comfort.

Confession #2338

I know you want me to admit that I have an alcohol problem, but I also know that if I do it will be like admitting that you are right...and I can't do that.

Confession #2339

To My BFF...

I can't tell you how many times I have spilled my heart out to you over email or on the phone, but there are just some things I can't say to you. In the short time we have known each other, you have become my best friend and I have fallen so truly deeply in love with you. You know that I love you, I just can't tell you anymore, I just tell you in my head countless times because it is so hard to hold it in. I have never met anyone like you. You know everything about me, from silly things like my favorite color to the deepest parts of what makes me the person I have become. I can just be me with you. You have never passed negative judgement on me, you have only supported me the best way that you can and for that I am truly grateful. I have never trusted anyone like I trust you, never opened up to anyone the way I can with you. There is something about you that just makes me feel so safe and secure like I have never felt and like I have been longing to feel.

I understand that the relationship we have is not ideal. We work together, we live so far apart and you have a wife. Oh I know on here I will probably catch tons of shit for that part but I don't care. We didn't set out for this to become what it has. You know that I believe everything happens for a reason, there is a reason for us we just haven't found it yet. I never meant to fall in love with you. You know I didn't. I tried to fight it. I knew I was losing that night that we finally saw each other. The way you made me feel both physically and emotionally was indescribable. Ever since that night I have just been falling deeper and deeper no matter how hard I try not to and no matter how much you asked me in the beginning to be careful. I know you are worried about me getting hurt, but that is obviously a risk I have been willing to take over and over with you. Every day I think about the next time I am going to see you. It isn't just because of the sex, I just want to be close to you, to talk to you and look into your beautiful eyes, to see your amazing smile. Every night I go to sleep and wonder what it would be like to fall asleep in your arms, to wake up and roll over to find you there. I have told you a million times that I have no expectations for our relationship and that is true. I don't let myself think that you are going to leave her and come running to me. I am not stupid. But I do dream about what it would be like to be with you everyday. To be able to just reach out and hug you or kiss you or hold your hand whenever I want to. How it would feel to be able to just snuggle up with you on the couch and watch TV or even just talk. But what I think about the most is how wonderful it would be to just be able to look into your eyes and tell you that I love you. I have told you on the phone and online, but if you were looking into my eyes when I say it, you would be able to see how much I really do love you.

Then there is the not so great part of our relationship. I understand that you must be under so much stress. This has to be amazingly hard for you. You love your wife, and you care about me. I know you are in a really tough spot. I totally respect your feelings for her. After all, she is your wife and the mother of your children. Three times you have pushed me away just to come back again and pull me back in. Part of me wonders if you push me away because you are afraid of caring too much, but you wouldn't admit that to me even if it were true. I know that you start to think and you have so much conflict in your head and it scares you and you run. All three times I have never turned away, I have always stuck in there. After all, you are my best friend and I made a promise to you that no matter what happens that I will never leave you. I care too much about your friendship to just throw it away. I never told you this, but after the first time you pushed me away and came back I told myself that I was not going to let you do that to me again. I told myself that if you pushed me away again that was it, I was done, just friends. I didn't follow through because I said that the second time and the third. I love you too much to just let you go. There is always going to be a small glimmer of hope in my heart that we have a real relationship one day, but I am not counting on it, I am smarter than that. I wonder why I stay wrapped up in this when the chance that this goes no where is so far greater that the chance that we will be together. The answer is so easy, I can't stop because I love you. You keep telling me that you don't want to hurt me. I know you don't. I know the risk, I am willing to take that risk, I am still here. I could just leave it all behind if I wanted to, but until you tell me for good that its over, I am not gonna.

Out of respect for you I don't tell you what I think of your wife. I have told you that I don't think she deserves you. I have told you that I am so jealous because she has what I want so much. You make excuses for the way she is and I understand why you do. You feel the need to defend her because she is your wife. I just hope that deep inside you know that you deserve so much better. Granted I don't know what her day to day life is like, I don't know about her past, I have never even met her. What I do know is that when you love someone you don't act the way you have told me she acts. And I have no sympathy for her at all, not an ounce. The things she complains about make me laugh like a little hyena inside because I do it all alone, always have, and she complains and has you to help her! And the fact that she wanted you to leave makes me laugh at her even more, she would be throwing away something that she would probably never find again. She has no idea how lucky she is. If you were mine, I would never take you for granted the way she does. You just need to see things for yourself, no one can make you see it until you are ready to.

Just know that you have someone here who loves you so very much. Someone who will always support you and stand behind you no matter what. Someone who will never turn their back on you. I promise you friend or lover, I will always be here. There is so much more I want to say but that will have to wait for another day.

Thank you for being so truly amazing.

I Love You.

-Your BFF

Confession #2340

It sucks to know that after 4 years "invested" in this relationship that I was never #1. I always knew it in the back of my mind, but I guess it hurts to admit. You leaving me to take care of someone else gave me the courage I know I need to leave you. I just wish it wasn't so. Despite the fact that I know the best thing for me to do is move on, my heart hurts to know I HAVE to do it. I have never had so much joy, fun, laughter, pain and heartbreak all at once.

I never should have given you so much power over me and my self-esteem. What the hell was I thinking? Had I had better sense back then, I wouldn't be in this situation now. I never thought I'd be numb to all the things I go through with you now and it hurts. Why? Because I know things are finally coming to an end. It's just confirmation. But I've been preparing for this moment for a very long time. I love you dearly and can't bring myself to cheat on you. I know that we're not in the best place right now, but it won't justify me ever getting in bed with someone else. I know now that you won't ever make me happy, because we don't have any common goals. I never thought that I'd be the person to question whether or not I wanted to marry or have children. You made it into such an awful thing that I have turned into someone I don't recognize. And the sad part is that you never believed how much I actually loved you. You never knew that I really wanted to be your wife because I loved you just that much. Sure, maybe when I was like 18 I talked about getting married, but what the hell did I know? You were what I wanted for my life. I thought that the reason we were working so hard to better ourselves was for our future. I didn't know that we setting ourselves up for separate futures.

When I had my pregnancy scare, all I could think about was running to the clinic to get an abortion. I seriously resented you for leaving me all alone. I wanted to hurt you and I would have. I know that if I would have been pregnant and actually kept it, I'd never forgive myself. I don't want to end up someone who just settled with someone who never actually wanted me in the first place. And I know that it all would have been on your terms anyway. I know you NEVER would have married me.

I loved you for you. I loved you for my life. I loved how much people loved you. I loved how people always said you were such a good guy. And you are. No matter how hard it's been I can't really bring myself to say anything bad about you to anyone. Because I know you are a good guy. What kills me is that I know that you will one day marry someone and make them happy, the way I wanted to be happy with you. But I'm done thinking something was wrong with me and have come to terms with the fact that timing is everything and some things just weren't meant to me.

When this lease is up and I move, you won't know where. I'll change my number and delete you from my heart. I can't have you in my life anymore. Who are we kidding? We can't be friends. And the sad part is that I'm making these plans and kind of stringing you along because deep down inside I'm not totally ready to let you go. But I'm stringing you along, just like you did me. You had no respect for me or my time. If you just would have been honest from the beginning then I could have made the choice for myself. But you didn't give me the choice. You always had an excuse of why we couldn't get married. I wish you had some balls and told me you didn't want to marry ME. Not that the timing wasn't right, not that you want your finances in order, and all the other bullshit excuses you gave me.

Thank you. Thank you for being in my life, the fun vacations we had and the good times we had together. Thank you for being an asshole, not coming to my mom's memorial, pushing me up against the wall that one time and hurting me like hell when you gave me a ring that didn't mean anything, telling me that we'd be married in 3 years when none of it was true. Thank you for making me beg for sex when I'm only 25 and you're 27. Thanks for making me think that I was a damn lunatic and it was all my fault. Thank you for NOT marrying me because I know now that it could only have gotten worse. Thank you for not taking my maiden name from me because there's someone out there in the world who deserves it more than you do. And he'll love me. He'll honor me. He'll put me first. He'll make decisions with me, not WITHOUT me. He'll love his family, but he'll recognize that I am his number one.

I'll never make the same mistake twice and I owe it all to you. Thank you.

42 comments:

DL
said...

#2340-I was you for 5 years. I loved him, he loved me. There were moments when I knew that if I asked him to, he would leave her for me, but I also knew that it couldn't be for me. If he left her, it would have to have been because he made the decision or it would have come back and bit me in the ass someday. After 5 years, I had a chance to take a job 4 hours away. He was part of the reason I took it because, somehow, it had to stop.

We stayed in touch. Which, because it was before the internet, took some effort. Wouldn't you know-a year after I moved, they were divorce. And he made no effort in my direction at all.

It wasn't complicated any more, but, apparently, it still wasn't easy enough. It's 4 hours, sure, but it could be easily workable-especially since I would have moved back.

It's 15 years later. I send him Christmas and birthday cards. I occasionally hear from him, when he's not with someone. Sometimes I see him, when I'm passing through to and fro from seeing family.

I know he loves me. Part of me still loves him. But I realized a long time ago that he's weak and waits until someone else makes the decision or until he's forced into it.

there is nothing wrong with you not wanting kids and sharing your worries and doubts with your husband. If more people would look at their lives and make a conscious decision to not have children because of (insert you personal reason here), instead of having the kids to "save the marriage," or keep the boyfriend that just might leave, as a desperate attempt to have "someone to finally love me completely" the world would be a better place. Have peace with your decision, don't feel guilty.

2339: (btw, where's 2340?)You said-"You just need to see things for yourself, no one can make you see it until you are ready to."

And so it is. There are many who have already seen affairs for what they are, and there is no use talking sense to you while you are in the middle of your turn. Just remember when it has all blown up and the fallout has settled to come back and read that one line with your newly discovered eyesight.

2339-- god your an idiot.. you "love" him so much because u cant really have him.. its LUST not LOVE you idiot.. you know what i hope u keeping "loving" him so you will waste all your years and when your an old woman u will look back and realize what an idiot u truely are (u will so deserve that).. cant u see u are just a once in a while piece of ass to him.. Yea best friend my ASS..lol IDIOT

2331 here. I think I worded what I was trying to say incorrectly, because I have been completely honest about my fears and worries. I haven't been sneaky or backhanded about anything. I'm very upfront, and I'm still open to the idea that life may push us in that direction eventually. My husband knows all of this. I feel manipulative because I have very strong feelings about this and I know that my husband wants me to be happy. D, maybe your opinion stands as is, and it is yours to have. But I have definitely been totally honest. That's very important to me.

2329: If you TRUELY LOVE this man who has a wife and kids at home....Then YOU WILL LEAVE HIM ALONE.....Im not saying this to hurt your feelings or to make you feel horrible about yourself....Im sure that you feel enough of that without me handing you more, I say this because I AM A WIFE AND A MOTHER....after 3 years of Good and bad times in my marriage My husband decided to stray JUST ONCE with some girl he met got to know for 2 weeks screwed and has never spoken to again......LET ME TELL YOU IT HAS LEFT OUR MARRIAGE DEVISTATED! I know how you feel that you love him and that you could treat him better and so on and so forth but YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ITS LIKE TO HAVE A MARRIAGE WITH THIS MAN, you get the fun side the sex and the flirty talk and the excitment....but what happens when all of that faids away and LIFE takes over....bills and work and OTHER FRIENDS and chores and WITH THIS PERTICULAR MAN STEP KIDS AND ONE PISSED OFF EX WIFE.....what then? Marriage isnt always a bed of roses its not always fun and exciting....its not supposed to be....your marriage and your connection really grows with a person when you as a couple are put thru trying times when you have to learn to balance all of lifes craziness with a loving romantic relationship! SO YOU SAY THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HIM NOW AND YOU HOPE HE WOULD OPEN HIS EYES.....HUNNY YOU SHOULD OPEN YOUR EYES AND TAKE A GOOD LOOK AROUND....IF HE WANTED TO BE WITH YOU IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP HE WOULD HAVE ALREADY LEFT HIS WIFE!! Do Him his family and yourself a HUGE FAVOR and find someone who is going to give you everything they have to offer, someone who treats you like a queen of your castle not just the french maid! Even though i truely am disgusted at what you did i truely believe you deserve to be with someone who can do all those things for you and that doesnt have someone MORE IMPORTANT IN HIS LIFE!!!

I think d got it a little skewed, I believe the quote goes "Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." -Robert Heinlein.Makes perfect sense, when said correctly.

4:47, perfectly put. Your comment should be the one she focuses on because you have real experience with the problem.

7:13: it was addressed by 4:33 and 4:35. I feel for her, I really do, but what else is there to say other than what those 2 said? She needs serious help, and this is offers mere words. She needs a Doctor. Fast.

"a man should want to make his woman happy and he should strive to do so. however, a woman's happiness should not come from a man."

You're talking about the so-called clingy, co-dependent thing, right? Where the woman's life and all her plans revolve around the guy she's with?

You don't have to be so woman-focused with your argument.

The way it ought to be said is this:

When in a relationship, both partners should seek the other's happiness. Each person should have their own life outside the relationship, and ought to seek activities they can do without their partner that bring them happiness. Each partner needs to allow the other space to pursue their own interests/hobbies without judgement.

In a balanced relationship, the two people will likely gravitate back together after some time apart.

Time apart is healthy. Each person living their own life is healthy.

One person being sad when the other leaves is not necessarily healthy, especially if the other partner doesn't share the same view.

***

I don't like the way you're telling the story as though women are always the type to be "sulking in her house or throwing a three-hour tantrum with him on the phone."

Insanity attracts insanity, d. Maybe you ought to examine your own head before you attempt to examine complete strangers'.

As far as 2333 goes, it seems like maybe he wasn't honest about his personality before they were married, and your comments don't really seem as though you're listening to her. You're trying to pin it all back on your idea of what women are-- in your mind, they seem to be needy, helpless, and clingy. You've been dating the wrong women. Stop projecting your unhappy memories onto all of us, and get a life already.

Telling 2333 to go live her own life is one thing, everyone should be living their own lives and they sure as hell don't need YOU to tell them to do it.

She said she feels TRAPPED BY HER MARRIAGE, said that the man she married is not the man she dated... this is something they need to talk to and work through. Your advice to "make him jealous" or whatever is stupid, childish games... probably the reason you're still so unhappy with life, because you can't get out of your frat-boy, middle-school, game-playing mindset.

I was trying to ignore you, but you make me angry with every insensitive, snide remark that you make about these women WITHOUT REALLY LISTENING TO THEM. You're responding to YOUR twisted idea of what a woman is, not to what these PEOPLE are actually saying. Stop attacking people and accusing them of being backhanded, manipulative bitches.

Just because you are a lousy judge of partners doesn't mean all women are awful.

2339 here... I knew I was gonna catch heat from some people, but the name calling and just plain mean comments made me think WOW! Call me an idiot if you wish, but all you know is what was in my confession. You know nothing else about the situation and I don't feel I need to give you any more information as it was a confession to him not any of you. Unless you have been in the situation I am in, you have no idea how any of this feels. I know where I stand with him. Your comments really aren't going to make me lose any sleep or change anything really. Thanks for the advice and the sweet thoughts, they really gave me a good laugh. Just remember the next time some of you complain about how nasty the comments section has gotten that some of you help to make it that way. Regardless of how you feel about any confession here, there is a real person behind that confession. Oh and to the one who told me that I am not in love with him that it is lust... thanks I am a big girl and I know the difference between the two. Have a wonderful night everyone! : )

Why the fuck is he still here while women that contribute meaningful, thoughtful, intelligent advice and comments are leaving?Doesn't Dawn see this for what we clearly do? It's sabotage. It's sad that fucker has nothing else going on in his life but a singlemindness to destroy this site that Dawn created for wives. But why has she given power over to him? This, her brilliant creation, is deminished by a fucking gross toad of a wanna-be man. And that is just so sad.

Life goes on, and I'm with Omnia, my life has enough in it to be bothered by a troll that has ruined one of my favorite sites. It's best to leave. My cat died a horrible death a few days ago. He was 14 years old and so loved by us. My family is grieving this little animals departure and comparing that to the worthless human being that is d, well let's just say my kitty loved and was loved more than that stupid hateful shit d will ever experiance.

I want to leave you true-blue TCW with this:

His whole purpose here is to cause controversy.He is not a husband to anyone. He clearly hates women.His comments are designed to envoke a response to him, not as (thinks is being clever)a real sincere response to the connfessor.

And yet he has been effective; he's made a lot of die-hard TWC girls leave this site because it's tough to ignore an abusive man; hell a lot of women here post confessions about abusive men, only to come here and have him heap it on us all over again.

I CHANGED MY MIND. It's not us that should hang our heads and say, "oh well another blog ruined by a fuckhead man". No. This is OUR site. Dawn created this FOR US.He goes, not us.

D: Get the fuck off our site, you stupid fuck. I don't give a shit anymore that your lonely and pathetic. Fuck that, you made yourself that way, now find a way to unmake yourself a pitiful man. Go to a class, seek therapy, whatever, but this is not the venue for you to try to be the big man you know you're not. We all see though you: your a joke here. You're a pathetic joke, and now you're a pathetic joke that has worn out his welcome.Enough. We get you. EVERYONE wants you off this site.

Girls, I have a better idea. He won't go with us ignoring him, and nor should we be made to ignore is hate. We will simply respond to his comments with a very curt "Fuck off d" and move along with our comments to the posts.We will tell newbees that this is the way we respond to the toad.

Even the most pathetic individual will tire of being ignored in the same way again and again and again.

2331: I think you are giving yourself too much credit (or blame). If having children is truly very important to him I don't think you can change his mind. I would guess that either he has let the subject drop for awhile and is hoping you will change your mind at a later time or he wasn't sure he wanted children in the first place and is willing to do it your way. Either way, you have nothing to feel guilty about. I hope the two of you really are of one mind on this issue.

2339: You said: "I totally respect your feelings for her. After all, she is your wife and the mother of your children."

If you DID totally respect his feelings for his wife, you wouldn't be doing this. If you had any respect for YOURSELF you wouldn't be doing this. I say this as a woman who WAS in your shoes. I saw first hand the destruction I brought to his wife and children and when I looked in the mirror I was sickened.

Please, please, please think about what you're doing to this man's family AND to yourself. And then, think about this: IF YOU CAN TAKE HIM AWAY FROM HER, HOW EASY WILL IT BE FOR THE NEXT WOMAN TO TAKE HIM AWAY FROM YOU?

I urge you to think seriously about the situation you're creating and consider getting some counseling. I did and it made all the difference. Today I'm in a healthy, monogomous relationship and I finally understand the meaning of LOVE.

To 2339....I was in your shoes once. Please get out as soon as you can. I ruined one of the best friendships/relationships in the world by messing with someone'e husband. He said he would leave (and maybe he would have), but i knew the entire time it was wrong. I have since moved on to a more meaningful relationship (he's not married!) and i can tell you the difference is unbelievable. No worrying about getting caught, no worrying about who might see us, who we might hurt.....It is truly devasting to his wife/family to be cheated on.....please move on for yourself and for his family.

2339 - I almost could have written exactly what you wrote. Except in my case, I am married also, and I have known my "bff" for almost 10 years. I know exactly how you feel. He makes me feel like a woman, and sexy and desirable, whereas my husband does not. But more than sex, I just like to be next to him, with him, in his arms, talking with him and looking into his eyes. You have no idea how much I understand where you are coming from. I would love to be able to snuggle with him watching tv, or just hold hands, or fall asleep in his arms. I know other people have been giving you a hard time, so I just wanted to let you know that there is at least one person out here who so totally gets where you are coming from. Hmmm, maybe I should write my own confession. :)

2339, I have met my "BFF" 2 years ago. He also is married, and I am deeply in love with him. I know how you feel, and that just sitting on the couch together is a luxury. I believe that we all have one soul mate..and he is mine!