‘WerePups’ Will Haunt Your Dreams And Probably Make Your Child Cry

Why buy a Cabbage Patch Kid when you can scare the crap out of your child with a very life-like baby werewolf in diapers? I’ve seen the future – and it’s filled with WerePups.

I was watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills last night, because I have no shame. One of the housewives is a child star – Kim Richards from Escape From Witch Mountain. On last night’s episode, she appeared at a convention of child stars that made me very sad, because Jimmy McNichol showed up looking like death warmed over. I digress.

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I was forced to do a double-take because one of her fans was holding the hairiest baby I’d ever seen. This thing was that lifelike. It had those weird doll eyes that stare into your soul. It was not a baby – it was a werewolf. A werewolf baby. A quick investigation on Google brought me to the Facebook page of WerePups.

Upon further investigation, I realized that these things may not be for children at all. It seems adults like to “adopt” these, carry them around like babies, and do really elaborate photo shoots. WerePups is actually an “adoption agency for orphaned Lycanthropes.” A lycanthrope is a werewolf. You learn something new every day.

Each year, hundreds of Lycanthropes are slain by the hands of “Werewolf Hunters.” Many of these powerful creatures leave behind a den containing helpless offspring, and these beautiful babies are sentenced to perish, alone and starving.

Here at WerePups, we recognize the innocence of the young Lycanthrope, and we believe that every creature great and small deserves a chance at life.

A custom WerePup will run you $500. It’s an 18-inch doll with a solid dragonskin silicone head, arms and legs on a weighted cloth body. It is really life-like. It’s described on the site as having a “realistic newborn feel.” You can customize it by choosing “head sculpt, skin tone, fur color/thickness/texture/markings, eye color, gender, feet (open toes or curled), nose, pads, and claw color, birthmarks, freckles or any skin markings.”

Adults who collect doll-babies have always kind of freaked me out. These things are actually pretty cute, but the cuteness is trumped by the fact that people treat these as actual babies. I find that unsettling.

When I look at something and can’t decide if it’s cute, or it’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen – I have to default to the latter.