Phylicia

I could hear the anguish in the words she typed, backspaced, and re-typed.

I could feel her heart, aching and burdened, reaching out to me – the faceless Internet name – just to have someone to talk to. Someone who might understand.

“I feel like I’m sinking deeper in sin and further and further from God. So many women disguise their sexual sins because it is so taboo and “unacceptable” for Christian women to be sexual beings. So many women have secret sins because of these expectations… So please. Do you have any advice? Thank you so much for your time.”

I received that email a long time ago now, but she – the writer – has been housed in the back of my mind since that day. I know she isn’t the only one who feels this way. I know there are many more girls out there – good, Christian, by-the-book young women – who have the same questions she was asking. But they don’t dare ask.

There is a stigma when it comes to lust, as applies to the life of a Christian woman.

“Men struggle with lust.” We nod and accept, pointing to verses to help our husbands, sons, and boyfriends. We construct standards and preach against pornography, all of which are good, much-needed endeavors. But then there are the women: watching, as it were, from the sidelines of this battle against lust, wondering where to get help, who to talk to, and altogether too afraid to admit that lust is our problem, too.

I don’t think this is intentional; I think simply because men are visual beings, sexual lust is an understood temptation for them; whereas women, the pigeon-holed emotional beings, are looked on as pseudo-men if they admit they have a lust issue. But lust is lust. Sin is sin. It simply looks different in the lives of women versus the lives of men.

Writing this post (the first of series) is hard for me to do because it requires dangerous transparency. Many of my own friends and family read this blog. I’ve prayed and considered this series for months, hesitated to research and write it, talked about it with Mr. M, and finally decided that this message is one all my readers must hear.

What is Lust?

The Oxford English Dictionary contains a long list of definitions for lust, including but not limited to:

Pleasure, delight

Desire, appetite, relish, inclination

In a biblical sense: sensuous appetite, leading to sin

Sexual appetite or desire, leading to intense moral reprobation

Libidinous desire

Degrading animal passion

Lawless and passionate desire of or for some object

Lust, by definition, can apply to any object of such unbridled desire, but in this context we are talking about sexual lust. In Scripture, we see lust mentioned periodically, but it is more widely recognized by its fruits: sexual immorality, adultery, and the carnal mind.

Is Lust wrong?

I am writing you as a Christian woman writing to other Christian women. Even in the church, you will hear teachers exclaiming over our ‘God-given freedom’ to celebrate our ‘God-given sexuality’ by indulging in the periphery of lust. This requires us to go to God’s Word and see if He indicates that lust is, in His view, a sin.

The lust of the flesh and of the eyes belongs to the world (1 John 2:16), and we are NOT of the world (John 15:19).

Lust limits our ability to fight against sin and pollutes our hearts (2 Tim. 2:4, 22); this should concern us, since ONLY the pure in heart will see God (Matt. 5:8).

Lust wages war against our souls (1 Peter 2:11).

Lustful minds conform us to the world (Romans 12:2).

If we are to fulfill God’s will, which is for us to be holy (1 Thess. 4:3-8), the definition and fruits of lust cannot be found in our lives. Therefore, lust is a sin. Lust is wrong.

Why is Lust wrong?

Lust objectifies. See the definitions from the OED. Lust of any kind is a focused and almost obsessive attention on attaining something. It is not patient or willing to give up its rights. A lustful mind is more focused on its desire than on the consequences of that desire; it is irrational: both sensual and insensitive.

Lust satisfies itself first. Lust is focused on satisfying a want that it perceives as a need. The desire becomes so strong, a lustful mind sees what was once a preference as an inalienable right. If it cannot receive what it wants, it might just take it by force.

Lust twists God’s plan. Lust takes God’s plan for sex out of context. God’s context for sex is marriage because sex inside of marriage (when the man and woman love God and each other) is safe. Lust focuses on the feelings of sex without the meaning of sex that God designed.

Lust usurps God’s authority. Choosing to lust after someone, and acting on it (we will get to this later) is essentially saying, “I am god of this area of my life: I will dictate the parameters, limits, and morality of my own sexuality.” When we choose lust – or any other sin – our greatest transgression is not the action itself but our rebellion against God, elevating ourselves above His standard of holiness in the same manner Satan did before He was cast out of heaven (Ezek. 28:12-15).

What did Jesus say about Lust?

God ordained in the Old Testament, as a part of the Ten Commandments, that His people be free from adultery. But Jesus took this mandate a step further:

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” (Matt. 5:28-30)

Jesus addressed the core issue behind adultery. He cut to the chase. He got to the root of the outward behavior. “If you are willing to look with lust, you’re eventually willing to act with lust,” He said to the legalist Jews, who perhaps stood nearby, chewing their nails and plotting against Him. “And if something is hindering you from purity – rip it out of your life! It is better to bear that loss than the loss of your holiness in God’s eyes.”

Sex is God’s Idea; Lust is Not

In Christian circles, an affair is a devastating thing (it is devastating in any social circle). But the same behavior that would constitute an affair in marriage is accepted, breezed over, and even endorsed by young Christian men and women in relationships across the globe. We would never touch a man – not our husband – that way. We would never be alone with a man – not our husband – in that situation. But we allow it as single women, because lust lies.

The core issue is not adultery or sexual immorality: the core issue is the lust in our hearts. Jesus addressed the heart first, always.

Adultery, pornography, masturbation, mental fantasy and any other kind of sexual immorality are outward signs of an inward idolatry. Just as obesity is a sign of food addiction and drunkenness is a sign of alcoholism, so all sexual misuse and abuse is an indicator that area – the sexual side of ourselves – is under a spiritual attack. Satan wants us to elevate the created (sex) above the Creator, and desires that we worship a feeling rather than the Father.

Sex is God’s plan; lust is not.Lust is Satan’s twist on God’s perfection; the ultimate slap in His loving face.

When does Affection become Lust?

When our desire for physical affection outraces our desire to act consistent to our Christ-won righteousness, affection has become lust.

That may have been a little confusing, so let me explain: a Christian woman wears a cloak of righteousness, given to her by Jesus when she accepted His propitiation (substitutionary payment) for her spiritual debt to God. Now, she behaves righteously because that is who she is: anything else would be below her justified status. Milton Vincent describes this status perfectly in his book, The Gospel Primer:

“Quite literally, the righteousness that God credited to me became my master on the day I was converted! And now I am daily called by God to surrender the members of my being as slaves to do whatever this righteousness dictates.” (Vincent, 21)

Righteous actions (purity) are the result of simply surrendering to the imputed righteousness of Christ on our lives. Therefore, when we choose to sin we are acting contrary to the new nature given to us. It is a choice we make; it is going backwards. When we choose physical gratification over holy resistance to sin, we are silently abdicating our daughter-of-the-King status for temporal satisfaction and man’s approval.

Lust is tricky. Lust dresses itself in love, speaks kind words, and even comes in the form of godly men – men who have weaknesses. Just as women who love God secretly struggle with lust, so do men who love God. And the devil loves to see those weaknesses play against each other to the destruction of what would have been a powerful couple for God. As love grows, affection grows, and physical attraction becomes stronger with time. Many Christian young women get into relationships with high hopes for purity, only to discover that the very man they love is their worst enemy in this battle. She can’t seem to resist him; he can’t seem to resist her. The graying lines between love, affection, and lust cause confusion, and in many cases, compromise.

So in the name of ‘love’, we stand in the dimness and disrobe of Christ’s hard-won cloak of white, picking up the dirty remnants of a past life to hear for an hour what He has spoken over us for a lifetime:

I love you.

You are so beautiful.

You are desired by Me.

How does a woman fight against Lust?

We fight off lust by understanding two concepts:

1. Who I am.

2. Who God is.

Who You Are: How convinced are you of your identity? The more insecure or unsure you are about your role in this world, your person, your looks, and your purpose, the more readily you can be swayed by the voices of the world. Insecurity sets us up for manipulation. Insecurity demands affirmation in order to survive. One of the foremost contributors to sexual compromise is a desire for affirmation: a longing to be told we are beautiful, to be convinced of our worth by male attention (which our culture brands as the currency of feminine value). But a woman who is completely convinced of an identity that transcends ALL human opinion will not need affirmation from anyone. She will be secure, stable, and immovable. She will not be tempted by lesser things because she knows who she is and she knows the God who saved her.

Who God Is: How convinced are you that God is a loving God? For many girls, a poor human father has distorted their perception of God the Father. But we must divorce what we know of fallible man in order to understand in faith who this perfect Father God says He is. God is love. And He loves you, or He would not have taken the time of creating you and putting you in this world. As my pastor said last Sunday – He not only loves you, He likes you. This all may seem trite and repetitive for a Christian girl, but listen to me: what you think about God will directly influence what you think about yourself, and what you think about yourself will influence how much of yourself you are willing to give away for free.

Believing we are women loved by a God who is our Protector, Provider, Defender, Father, and Friend should elevate us to a level from which we refuse to step down into the muddied waters of polluted sexuality.

Our God says He loves us. If you don’t believe me, read His words:

“He who does not love does not know God – for God is love.” (1 John 4:8)

“We have KNOWN and BELIEVED the love God has for us. God is love, and [she] who abides in love abides in God, and God in [her].” (1 John 4:16, emphases mine)

“I have loved you.” (John 15:9)

“While [you] were still a sinner, Christ died for [you].” (Romans 5:8)

“Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love…” (Jer. 31:3)

“I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and mercy.” (Hosea 2:19)

When God tells us to avoid the ‘lusts of the flesh’ and the ‘lusts of the eyes’ (1 John 2:16) and not to ‘love the world’, it isn’t because He wants to spoil our fun. It is because there is a much greater love available to us than the love of the world (which is lust), and He doesn’t want that magnum opus love cheapened by faulty predecessors.

I went to my wedding day a virgin, and my first kiss with Mr. M was at the altar. But lust is insidious, and even with a testimony like mine, there were instances of failure, sin, and pushing the peripheral standards into the realm of guilt and condemnation. I know the temptations. I know what it feels like to be the Christian girl wondering what to do with desire, and I know there are many more girls navigating the stage of life I am now past. Perhaps you are like the girl who sent me the email, anguished in heart over what she knows is wrong, but with no hope for a way out.

There is hope. It is not too late for you. No stigma is too strong; no stain is too dark for Christ to wash away. Hold on to who He says you are, and remember who He is.

“Ultimately the gospel is what matters. We all just need to quit trying to say this is right and that is wrong and be at peace with each other. People keep drawing too many lines in the sand… Forget the peripheral and concentrate on what really matters: the gospel.”

I stirred my coffee and blinked at the dark bubbles on the surface. Was she right?

In the comment stream of the blogs I follow, women – moms, especially – continually postulate about peace. “Stop telling us what to do and how to live,” They say. “All we need to do is love God and each other.”

Is that true?

I set out to discover the truth for myself.

—-

Church history is laced with ‘trends’ of Christianity. During the Enlightenment of the 18th century, reason and intellectualism were very prevalent; but the next generation sought to understand the emotions of God, which gave rise to the spiritualism of the Quakers, Shakers, Mennonite and Amish sects. Over the years these trends rise and fall, many times caused by children reacting to the influence of parents who were either too ‘free’ or too ‘strict’. Whole church movements are caused by generations who see a need for a fresh understanding of the gospel, and this renewed seeking results in new behaviors. Today’s culture is no different: we have the ‘young, restless, and Reformed’, the YWAM-Toms-and-beanie worship leaders, the time-resistant homeschool purity-ringers and many more pockets of Christian belief. The church appeals for unity and demands we get rid of the ‘periphery’ – those divisive parts of Christianity – in order to unite.

I live in one of the most Christianized cities on the Eastern seaboard, and I’ve heard it all. But one thing I have heard repeatedly is this: “I don’t worry about those things because loving Jesus is all I need to do.” But is that the truth? Is loving Jesus all we need to do to live this faith we claim as Christ-followers?

[box] “You shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.” (Acts 1:8)[/box]

[box] “You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men.” (Matthew 5:13)[/box]

[box] “I was hungry and you gave me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me… Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to Me.” (Matthew 25:35, 40)[/box]

[box] “God is not unjust to forget your work and labor of love which you have shown toward His name…” (Hebrews 6:10)[/box]

Our faith is work. It is not won by works nor earned by our merit; but it is an effort – as the author of Hebrews says, a ‘labor of love’. We are also witnesses. We represent Jesus Christ and all He stands for: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness. We are the salt of this world. We flavor it with our reputation, behavior, and choices. We color our world with how we treat people, and how well we serve Jesus by serving them.

Does it matter how we live? I say yes. It matters in several ways.

Does it really matter what I say?

You know what, readers? I’m a gossip. Always have been.

I remember the time I realized it: when it popped into my head that running a gossip column would be a really fun career. Right about the time I pulled up Monster.com to look for opportunities, I realized what I was doing. I love a story. I love telling a story. I love the reactions I get from the story. And the more stories, the better!

I was warned about this by a friend of mine when I was 18 years old . Andrew looked me full in the face and said, “If you don’t stop now, Phylicia, you’re going to be a gossip.”

“Oh don’t be so serious,” I laughed. “I just love news.”

I don’t write about ‘how to not gossip’ on this blog because I don’t have it mastered. In fact, more often than not, it masters me. I’m in prayer over this sin because it IS a sin, and I’ve written it off as safe and kept it like a pet rock for years. Now my pet rock has created a lot of rubble, and I can’t freely minister with it clogging things up. It would be unfair for me to speak to today’s topic without being completely transparent that gossip has been a stronghold in my life.

So does it matter what I say? Definitely.

I can build up or I can tear down. I can demolish someone’s character and simultaneously demolish my own. I can curse, swear, and tell crude jokes. I can be negative, rude or loudly opinionated; or I can speak the truth in love.

James says bitter and sweet water cannot flow from the same fountain (James 3:11). When we are in the spirit of God and seeking Him to change us, our words will be readily sweet. But in our own selves – assaulted with insecurity and doubt – we can become anxious and angry, lashing out at all those who cross us. Maybe we even curse or say crude words. That is not Christ, and we are Christ to this world.

So yes, it does matter what we say.

Does it really matter what I wear?

In the beginning, God created man and woman naked with no shame. When man and woman chose to sin, their nakedness became shameful as their purity was destroyed by exposure to sin.

Now, because of sin, nakedness is reserved for the intimate relationship of marriage in which it is pure and beautiful. Nakedness no longer honors God when it is advertised in a public sphere: it honors Him only when those physical ‘secrets’ are shared within the marriage bond.

I used to think of my mind as a safe place: a harbor where I could keep the thoughts I wouldn’t dare say out loud. At the time this habit began, I was probably about twelve years old, and my ‘secret thoughts’ consisted of angry words I would have liked to say to my parents when I was ‘in trouble’. Since I knew saying them would do me no good, I stewed in silence, in the safe place of my mind where no one could know what I was thinking.

But Someone did.

We still do this today. We stew angrily about neighbors, friends, and bosses. We complain silently about the inconveniences of life. We compare ourselves to others and marinade in bitterness over our inadequacy. As we continue to think this way, our mouths and actions slowly correspond to our thinking, and before we know it bitter words and selfish actions come pouring out of us in every direction.

What we think about matters. What we put into our minds – TV shows, music, novels – directly influences our perception of life and can blockade the gospel’s influence on our character.

For instance: I love the show Gilmore Girls. Mr. M and I have watched all seven seasons together. While that show was well written and good for some laughs, it is laced with promiscuity. Both leading female characters sleep with boyfriends, ex-husbands and have one night stands, and there is some language as well. Would I want my children watching that show with me, while I try to explain away, fast forward, and save face? No.

Then why am I watching it?

The same goes for the very popular show How I Met Your Mother. I’ve attempted to watch it a few times since many of my friends enjoy it, but it has triple the promiscuity of Gilmore Girls. This post is not meant to point fingers but to ask the question: “Why am I pouring the acceptance of sin into my mind on a regular basis?” That is what those shows are: sin, accepted, endorsed, and glorified. Why would a Christ follower consume it?

I love country music too, and there are a lot of raunchy country songs out there. There are a lot of Christian romance novels that draw a curtain where a Harlequin would have continued, but it still jogs a woman’s imagination. These things may be permissible, but are not beneficial (1 Cor. 10:23). Each of them contains principles that are ingrained in our minds. We can choose to put the best in our minds and receive the best results, or put the lesser things in our mind and find ourselves fighting a harder battle for holiness.

Because holiness is God’s goal, and it should be ours, too.

Many Christians ignore disciplines of holiness because ‘loving Jesus’ is more comfortable and acceptable. But let’s remember that the best examples of those who ‘loved Jesus’ were the apostles, almost all of whom were martyred for their faith.

All of whom boldly spoke the gospel – didn’t make up excuses to use swear words. All of whom rebuked evil and pushed back against darkness – didn’t look for ways to justify it. All of whom let their love for Jesus so affect them it changed quick tempers, fearful doubting and disloyal fleeing into the very names carved in the city of Heaven.

So: we do love Jesus.

But because we love Him, we discipline ourselves to holiness so we represent Him as best we can in these fallible, human bodies.

This culture makes Christianity all about US and how well WE love Jesus. They say they reject ‘works’ but in reality, all their efforts to ‘love Jesus’ with pomp and circumstance is just that – a work. It is man proving to God how well he can love Him, clinging to his mortal individuality just to be different from the ‘fundamental church’. Those who attempt to follow Christ without being changed by Him subscribe to a hit-and-run gospel that does not exist. It is not the gospel, because the gospel changes you. We don’t get drive-by salvation and continue life as before.

[box] “Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.” (James 1:27)[/box]

If we love Jesus, we will seek to be as ‘unspotted’ as He is. And He helps us! The more we love Him the more motivated we should feel to please Him by arranging our lives around holiness. We can’t annihilate the ‘peripheral issues’ in the name of unity, editing them out of Scripture in order to make peace with fellow Christians. I firmly believe as long as Christians search Scripture and seek to live lives that please God we will never have the ‘unity’ many Christians want, because every life is different. If we want unity, we cling to the gospel, don’t look right or left at what others are doing, and live a life of holiness for God alone. Holy people draw other holy people to them, and those who dislike their devotion will naturally fall away.

This will make you different. In fact, you’ll be different from much of the Church. But you are not here to please the church, impress other Christians, or make yourself different. You, and I, are here to bring glory to God.

[box] “He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God?” (Micah 6:8)[/box]

[box] “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men. Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.” (Romans 14:17-19)[/box]

[box] “Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.” (Phil. 2:12-13)[/box]

It matters how we live because how we live is a reflection of how well we actually love Jesus. In communicating this to you, I see in myself many ways I do not fulfill this call on my own life. As I searched Scripture to write this post, I see clearly how I need to know the Lord better in order to better align myself with His will. But His love always gives hope, and always holds out a hand to help me be the woman who is His witness.

And He does the same for you.

Don’t believe this culture that says loving Jesus is easy. Loving Jesus is hard, but He already carried the heavy part of the burden (Matt. 11:30). We don’t live rightly to earn His love; but by loving Him, we choose to live to rightly out of gratitude for His grace.

With a stack of books about John Calvin at one elbow and a higher stack of commentaries for the Book of Daniel at the other, I collapsed into my laptop face first. Mr. M looked over the edge of his iPad. “Is something wrong?”

“No… I just finished this infernal commentary on Daniel 9. If I ever hear the words ‘seventy weeks’ again, I might do something inappropriate.”

“Well, we don’t want that,” My husband replied with all the concern of sleepy pigeon (don’t ask me where sleepy pigeon came from… but now that I’ve compared him to one, I can’t stop chuckling).

I opened my personal email as a reward for such academic labor and was greeted by an email from Bria of Germany. She asked:

“I’m single, and know how friendships function from my singles’ perspective, but I wonder how you view them now that you’re married? Do you feel it’s easier/harder/better/different having male friends when you’re single versus married?

Her question, spawned from my Speaking and Travel page, was inspired by the presentation Can Girls Have Guys as Friends? This presentation was very popular at the convention in Michigan at which I first presented it, but I realized I never wrote a blog post about it. Thanks to Bria, coffee, and an overdose of Daniel 9, here it is.

To some, this question is ridiculous. In fact at one time in my life, I would have agreed. But as I’ve watched friendships between men and women flounder, get awkward, and get ugly, I’ve realized there really is a right and wrong way to go about these sensitive relationships. There is a God-designed way for every relationship – even friends.

Ultimately, it’s not about the ‘if’ as much as it is the ‘how’. Can you have guys as friends? Indeed, it is physically possible to have acquaintances of the male gender, body odor and beards to boot. But how does that look in the life of a Christian woman?

And in order to talk about what friendships with men look like after marriage, we need to talk about what they look like before marriage – because believe it or not, the same guidelines apply.

Embrace Your Identity as a Lady

Dating in our culture has major issues – without even delving into the sexual side of things. I’m might step on a few toes here as I relay to you what I believe – from study, prayer and experience – to be the most important qualities a young woman can pursue in her relationships with men.

First, you’re a woman. Act like one. Dress like one. Behave like one, and you’ll be treated like one. Your male friends will respect you and appreciate you for it. They will seek your advice and your presence, and when it comes their time to find women of their own, they’ll remember you and your example. Be the kind of woman your guy friends would want in a wife – not so you can be THEIR wife, but so you can represent godly womanhood for your peers. (And being a lady does not necessitate heels and pink dresses: it’s a heart attitude.)

Second, be confident in your identity. There is absolutely no shame in being an upstanding, godly woman. Don’t cringe. Don’t feel like you’re ‘uncool’ because other girls have more guy friends or are more ‘popular’ than you. Know that your choices are God-honoring and He will justify you BUT – and that’s a big ‘but’ here (no jokes allowed) – be humble about it. It’s a slippery slope to think, “Well, those girls have a ton of guy friends so they are all flirtatious with no reverence for God.” That is pride. Those of us with a lot of male friends and those without each have our own personalities and roles which, when surrendered to God, honor Him regardless of how many friends we have. Don’t throw a sister under the bus out of jealousy.

Third, embrace your femininity. Don’t conform to the culture that tells you to chase men down, to force friendships, to text and call and pursue. Be patient. And be content to just be friends, without expecting anything more.

Patience is the ultimate game of ‘hard to get’, except you aren’t playing a game – you’re trusting God. I don’t care how blurred our culture tries to make the gender lines: men who seek God, who love God, and who want to be leaders do not appreciate women who chase after them. I was a girl who had many guy friends growing up – upwards of 40 – and I can count on all my fingers and toes how many times they expressed their frustration to me about girls who made themselves too available. Godly men respect women who respect themselves. You can be his friend – but don’t be his suitor.

Flirtation and Friendship: A Fine Line

For extroverts like myself, flirtation can be very unassuming. I am happiest when I can make others laugh. However, as a married woman I have to be careful I don’t place higher priority on making people laugh than on making people aware of my loyalty to Mr. M.

Before marriage, we also have a responsibility – not to our husbands, but to ourselves and to God. We have the responsibility to consider if what we are doing, saying, or acting out is done for God’s glory or man’s attention. Is what we are saying manipulative or gossipy? Or is it for the mutual upbuilding of a friend?

Our hearts cannot always be trusted. We must be diligent to pursue God and bring our friends (male AND female) before Him asking for wisdom in our communication. Flirtation can be very deceitful; very often it is simply ‘attention without intention’. This would be highly inappropriate and dishonoring for a married woman, so what makes it appropriate for unmarried women?

This should serve to encourage us to check our own hearts – not start an undercover flirtation watch on the women around us. And as a bubbly extrovert I’m not about to tell any woman to stop laughing, joking, or being the life of her party. What I do encourage young women to consider is the manner in which we communicate to male friends. How would you talk to him if he were married?

And that brings us to our next point.

Another Woman’s Man

Very likely, at some point down the road, your guy friends are going to be married. That means somewhere out there in the wild blue yonder, his wife is living and breathing. Are you treating him in a way that honors his future wife?

My husband, Mr. M, had as many girl friends as I had guy friends before we were dating. It was an adjustment for us both when our exclusive relationship required we cut back on communication with friends of the opposite sex. It was also an adjustment for his girl friends, some of whom did not understand why he was no longer initiating contact with them or conversing with them on a regular basis. Some of his girl friends, however, made an effort to ask about me and respectfully minimized contact with my then-boyfriend. Now as his wife, I look back on that with great appreciation.

I also had to make adjustments. Even though most of my guy friends were nothing more than brothers in my eyes, I minimized my contact with them and when I did answer a call or a text, I told Mr. M about it. I didn’t do this out of fear or because my husband is a jealous person: I did it out of respect and transparency. Complete honesty and open communication are essential when it comes to friendships with the opposite sex. When we start to hide things, we’re on the track to destroying our marriage.

That said, even after marriage, Mr. M and myself keep in contact with our girl and guy friends. We’re not about to eliminate them just because we are married! But we do tell each other when we talk to these friends, share our social media passwords and phone log-ins, and keep everything out in the open. We don’t ‘meet up’ with our friends alone, and if they have a significant other we keep them in the loop as well.

So as a young woman, can you have guys as friends? Can you keep your brothers as companions without emotions getting involved?

The answer is yes.

The guidelines after marriage – being open, honest, transparent, and respectful – are the same guidelines that apply before marriage. Keep your head in the game and your heart in check. Be honest with yourself and be respectful of his future wife and your future husband. And most of all – be yourself. Authenticity is the cornerstone of true friendship.

So in answer to Bria: friendships with the opposite sex after marriage, from my experience, is very similar to friendship before marriage. Before marriage, these gentlemen were my brothers in Christ and I wanted the best for them. After marriage, it is the same. It delights my heart to see them finding their wives, marrying, and setting up little homes, and Mr. M says the same of his girl friends. But it depends upon me to stay close enough to God and my husband that my behavior honors them both.

As women seeking to keep God #1 in our lives, everything – including friendships with guys – falls into place when we do it God’s way. Keep Him first, and wisdom while guide your steps.

Still have questions? Visit the ‘Ask Me a Question’ page to email Phylicia or request a topic to be addressed on the blog!

In the evening as I sit in my office it stares at me from my desk. I stare back.

“Why so serious, Blog?”

“Because. I have many important things to say about culture, faith, and being a godly woman. No time for frivolities.”

I shake my head. “Well, that’s no good. I’m a fun person. I like to laugh, you should at least SEEM as if you enjoy life, too.”

Blog sets his jaw and looks grim. “Can’t. Too many serious topics to discuss. I have a world to change. Can’t stop for laughter.”

Forget him. Today we’ll talk about something fun!

Mr. M and I absolutely love dating each other. I know we’re married, but all the wife-y blogs say to date your spouse and we do our best to keep that a part of our newbie marriage. I wouldn’t say we’re as original as the hipster bloggers, nor as serious as the parent bloggers with families to raise, but we’ve developed some fun routines and date nights other couples may enjoy. In fact, one of our date nights has even been adopted by a reader and her girlfriends – so these aren’t all limited to married and dating couples!

1. Theme Nights

Every Friday, Mr. M and I hold our ‘Friday theme night’. Sometimes we invite others to join us, but most of the time it is just the two of us. Theme nights consist of a dinner, drink, and movie all centered around the same ‘theme’. For instance, we have held Western theme night, Christmas theme night, Baseball, Valentine’s, French, Thai, and German theme nights, each complete with a recipe pertinent to the evening and a movie corresponding to the theme or nation we chose.

For French theme night we watched the Count of Monte Cristo in French and had cake and tea. For Native American theme night we watched Last of the Mohicans and ate chili with cornbread. German theme night – last week! – we had runzas, german pancake, and tea while watching The Book Thief (this was especially fun since Mr. M is German). We look forward to trying different themes and are open to almost anything – including changing up our ritual movie-with-dinner to do period- or theme-specific activities. We plan to continue this event with our kids, incorporating it into their school curriculum to educate them during a fun family time together.

2. Scavenger Hunts

Leaving notes is one of the best ways to encourage your husband, and if you are a words girl like me, you probably appreciate it too! I try to hide notes in Mr. M’s lunch, under his pillow, and in his laptop case when he leaves for work or when I am about to go out of town for business. In addition to leaving notes, we are also big fans of scavenger hunts. Somewhat kindergarten? Maybe – but it’s a ton of fun!

One of my favorite hunts was for Valentine’s Day last year. I went to all the bookstores and libraries within our city limits and left clues in specific books on the shelves. I gave Mr. M the first clue, the hunt took him all across the city as he searched for the final prize – his Valentine’s gift! We have also done hunts within our apartment just to make a gift a little more exciting and special. You can always hand someone a present – why not make them work for it? They love it even more!

3. Expert Eating

As a couple, we’re pretty much foodies. I try out new recipes on him every week, stalk ingredients at the local farm markets (pardon the pun), and love to experience new restaurants. We decided to make a passport book. The passport book (or adventure book, as we call it) is a little notebook in which we draw pictures of the dates or dinner we plan to go on. When we are done, we put a sticker on a checkbox in the page. If we like a certain kind of food – i.e., Mexican – we’ll try it out a few different places depending on our budget.

One thing we want to try is a progressive dinner: appetizer at one restaurant, entree at the next, and dessert at the final destination. We share each other’s dishes and never get the same thing, so we can split the plates. Then we discuss and rate the food on the way home, and I’ll mark it down in our book (if I remember!).

4. Map It

Surprise road trips are one of our favorite weekend activities. Here in Virginia, it is about three hours to anywhere: D.C., North Carolina, West Virginia, and even Bristol, Tennessee. We’ve taken turns finding destinations and using only a map to get there! Mr. M is especially good at plotting out these events because he is always on time. I can’t say the same for myself.

A few of our favorites have been:

St. John’s Church, Patrick Henry reenactment

the Richmond botanical garden

a peony farm

Pearisville downtown and Sinking Creek covered bridge

Douthat Park to go rowboating

a rodeo in the Civic Center

segway tours of historic Richmond

day trip to a mountain campground to go fishing

antiquing

grocery shopping at Mennonite dry goods stores

We are as random as that bullet point list illustrates, but we have a blast! We use our state’s tourism website to find area activities and festivals. Usually, the person planning the event will not give away any details other than telling their spouse what to wear and how long it will take to get there. The surprise factor makes it so much more fun! For even more adventure, don’t use your GPS. We’ve taken a couple trips with only a map!

5. Formal Invitation

The nerds that we are, my husband and I like to match outfits.

Like… all the time.

We coordinate colors at church (even if we don’t match, we ‘go’) and have five sets of matching t-shirts to wear to the gym. Yes, it’s that bad.

One of our favorite things to do is get ‘gussied up’ for formal events. Now that our wedding is over, the ultimate dress-up day is in our past. However, we’re lucky to live in a college town and still be close enough to college age that we can attend formal events and dinners that benefit different causes. One of our favorites is the Military Gala. I have a few formal dresses I’ve kept around, and we’ll go to Belk or Penney’s to pick out a matching tie for Mr. M. This last gala we were able to attend with another couple, which made it an even better time!

We find this is a nice way to socialize with the community, meet other couples, and have a chance to be ‘positively smashing’ together – in addition to benefiting the causes we support.

6. Park It

For almost a year now, Mr. M has begged me to go play disc golf with him. It’s rather silly that I haven’t, since I’m the one that bought his discs.

Sundays after church we eat lunch with a great group of young adults (this group also does ‘themes’, much like our theme nights, but the theme is in relation to the lunch recipes alone) and have gone to the park with them at times. Frisbee, slack lines, soccer, dog walking, disc golf – the options are endless.

Another favorite is the local cemetery. For some, this may seem a bit morbid – but let me assure you, most cemeteries are actually beautiful, well tended places that are fascinating to peruse. I grew up visiting cemeteries and looking at the different names on the headstones, enjoying the gardens and bird watching. Mr. M and I have also done this and are even planning a picnic in our local cemetery, which doubles as a park!

7. Morning Routine

Okay, so this isn’t really a date, but I count it as one, because it is planned, intentional time together. Isn’t that what a date is?

As a single woman I enjoyed getting up early to go the gym before work. Once married, the last thing I want to do is leave my cozy bed snuggled against my husband; so I’ve changed my routine. We set our alarm for the agreed upon time to accommodate our respective work schedules, then get up with enough time (generally) to make breakfast, eat together, and read the Bible together during breakfast. Now that it is summer, we try to utilize our spacious balcony (which houses my garden) in the mornings. It’s a lovely way to begin the day.

On days where we have enough time, I usually beg to make my coffee and take a turn around the pond below our complex. We usually see the neighbors walking their dogs and get a chance to bird watch, talk about what we’ve heard in the news, and see if we can spot the giant carp that swim near the shore in the morning.

In order to get up early and enjoy this time together, we make sacrifices in other areas. We got to bed rather early, and I now work out after work instead of before – Mr. M joins me when he can. With post-work commitments like the Junior League, morning is sometimes the only time we have, so we have to be intentional about it. It’s my favorite time of the day!

A few last ideas we’ve tried that don’t fit a dating-demographic:

Rent old cartoons and watch while eating your favorite cereal

Make a tent in your living room and watch a movie (yes, we’re kids at heart)

Play tennis

Go horseback riding

Pick out a fish together (just don’t kill it, like we did)

Run a 5k together

Visit pawn shops (one of our favorites!)

Go yard saling

Go to Ross or TJ Maxx and let him pick out an outfit you to try on, and vice versa

Go mini-golfing

Do you have some creative date ideas? Share them in the comments below!

I thoroughly enjoyed reading Emily’s ‘joy story’ when she first sent it my way. Her encouragement to make the most of our current opportunities is a message we all need to hear! For young women still wondering what the future holds or working toward a far-off goal, her words are a well-timed exhortation to seek God in the present moment.Enjoy meeting this young woman after God’s heart! -Phylicia

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Overcomers gather here. I'm Phylicia, and I believe in abundant life, practically. In singleness or marriage, work or home, we don't have to live in defeat! Join me to learn how to apply God's Word and preach the gospel with your life. View Full Profile

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