Guys, I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that we were done talking about Brad Pitt’s Esquire cover story, because we aren’t. Here’s the thing about a Brad Pitt Esquire cover story in 2013: you don’t actually read it. LOL, what is this, SCHOOL?! No, you simply read the quotes that other blogs have pulled, and then you reblog them on your blog. It’s called The Social Network and it was written by Andy Serkis. Anyway, US Weekly unearthed another gem from the interview that no one has time to read in the hustle and bustle of modern life (on Friday, I went to the movies with a friend, and he was messing around with his phone in the car, and I told him that if he kept messing around with his phone while I was in the passenger seat, I would murder him, and I would throw his phone out the window, at which point he explained to me that he was READING AN ARTICLE, and I grabbed his phone, and THIS WAS TRUE, so it looks like Memorial Day is now in remembrance of when that friendship ended):

The Hollywood icon, for instance, makes it a point never to call himself an “actor,” preferring to use the term “self-employed” instead to describe his line of work.

“I learned that from Bruce Paltrow,” he told the magazine. “I always liked it. It’s a humble way to describe what we do.” And, the 49-year-old actor added, if a stranger were to ask him what he does, he’d say, “Well, I’d be very Midwest about it, very Missouri. I’d say, ‘This and that.’ I’d say, ‘I’m a dad, just like you.'”

Hahaha. Brad Pitt refers to himself as “self-employed.” Yeah, man. OF COURSE he learned all of this from Gwyneth’s dad. The adult-sized apple of no relation doesn’t fall far from the ex-tree. I think it’s great that Brad Pitt tries to play it cool, very Missouri for sure, but my question is WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE WHO ARE ALWAYS CASUALLY ASKING BRAD PITT WHAT HE DOES FOR A LIVING? Does he mean, like, the staff at his castle? Also, pretending for a second that you met some super handsome dude surrounded by paparazzi trailing six children and ANGELINA JOLIE in line at the Au Bon Pain or whatever, and you were in a good mood and feeling chatty so you decided to strike up a conversation, and noticing his extremely large retinue and movie star wife and bevvy of intrusive photographers and the dropped jaws of the employees at the Au Bon Pain who had all pulled out their cellphones and started taking pictures, you asked “So what do you do?” I’m pretty sure that “This and that” would be a deeply dissatisfying answer. You’d probably hate him. This and that. “I’m a dad just like you.” “Uh, I don’t have a kid, weirdo.” “Haha bye!” And THAT is why you never talk to strangers. It’s gross.

When was Brad’s denouement? I feel like a guy who acts so non-chalantly about himself, and tries desperately to exude his humbleness which in and of itself is the opposite of humble, couldn’t have come together without some insane breakdown. Maybe I missed a step in his rise to tranquility. But hello! Wake up, man! Get back in the game.

Did you guys ever read The Westing Game? And on the heir questionnaire where it asked “Position,” Dr Wexler wrote, “Sitting or standing when not lying down”? I always thought that was pretty clever. Take note, Brad! (Why am I directly addressing Brad Pitt so much in this post?)

I’m a dad just like you, we both have two adopted Ethiopian children, one natural child born in Namibia, another adopted Vietnamese kid, and twins that were born in France. We’re also both obscenely rich movie stars who are married to another obscenely rich movie star, whose dad is also an obscenely rich movie star.

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