This is my Journey of finding my way through grief. Of trying to find myself after losing 3 children in 8 months. Of finding a new normal life.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

9 weeks 6 days

Tomorrow will be 10 weeks since Joshua was born. I had to count 3 times because I just can't believe it's been that long. I had to count because I never moved beyond 8 weeks I've been saying 8 weeks for 3 weeks now. I think part of it is because I'm still waiting on my Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep pictures to come and I was told 6-8 weeks. I'm going to call tomorrow and see what the hold up is. I don't mind if they don't come for another few weeks I just want to know we were not forgotten about.

I was 19 weeks and 4 days when Joshua was born so I would be 29 weeks now. Landon was born at 30 weeks so I think he would weigh about 4 pounds now. He was just 10 ounces when he was born.

I miss him so much, I still hurt everyday. I still think of him everyday and miss him everyday. But things are different. I don't cry everyday. I no longer need to talk about Joshua all the time, I no longer need to look at his pictures for hours everyday. I do think about other things and no longer feel guilty about doing so. I guess that means I'm healing. That God is allowing me to heal. I will never "get over" Joshua's death. And I will forever miss him. I wish so badly to have him here with me. And I know it's selfish of me. He's in a perfect place, he's never felt pain or had to deal with this imperfect wold yet I wish him here anyway. Just for me to hold.

God understood what I was praying for when I begged him not to take Joshua, but he answered me by saying that Joshua was just to great for earth. I selfishly wanted to carry him even after my water broke. I knew the risk. I knew he would most likely be handicap in some way ranging from mild to server. I knew he could die anyway even if I made it to viability. I knew I could have complications including dangerous infections and bleeding. I selfishly was ready to give up my life for him. Some may say that it was not selfish at all, but it really was.

First I was not thinking of my husband and how it would effect him to be a single dad until I delivered. And that could have been until I reached 34 weeks. I wasn't thinking about my other children and how it would effect their lives to not have their mother around If I died or If I was gone for 15 weeks. I never thought of how it would effect anyone else in our lives. I didn't want to think about the quality of the life Joshua may have had. All I wanted was my baby alive and I had set my mind to seeing that happen. Whatever the outcome nothing mattered as long as he was alive.

God knew that was in my heart and knew that was my plan and knew that I would not let him go easily. He saw what I couldn't. He saw my family would be torn apart by my absents. He saw the strain that would be placed upon my marriage. He saw the life Joshua would have lived. And he saw the life I would live. And that was not his plan. His plan was different than mine and he forced me to give Joshua back to him, before I really ever had him.

Some babies are born after PPROM and you can't tell they were the result if a troubled pregnancy. Others are not as lucky and live a hard life because of handicaps. Then some are angles like Joshua. I am truly happy for all the women who are able to carry their babies longer than I did to give their baby a shot at life. I wish I could have. Joshua was so perfect. Too perfect to stay. I know he is in a place I long to go to one day to meet him. But I still selfishly wish he was here. Handicap or not he would still be so perfect. And I still want him with me.

One day we will be together. I imagine that Joshua is being taken care of by amazing people. People that I know love him and love me. Some that I never met but would have loved my children and are loving Joshua for me until I can get there and do it for myself. I know my Grammy is rocking him slowly. I know my paw-paw Henson is telling him stories. I know my paw-paw Miller is making sure he gets a lot of time with Jesus and is stepping on frogs. I know Jason's grandpa is there but I didn't know him to say what him and Joshua are doing, but I know he's loving him. They've had him for 10 weeks tomorrow. Soon they will have had him longer than I did.

1 comment:

Oh Crystal, Sending hugs and prayers your way! We just passed 29 weeks without Gabriel and it was hard knowing that Heaven has had him longer than I ever will. It comforts me greatly to think of our babies in Heaven, happy and at peace, safe in the arms of family members. Love to you <3

About Me

I am a mom of 8 children. 5 on earth and 3 in Heaven I have 2 active blogs here one about my daughter Haleigh and everything we have been through with her and one about my Angel babies Joshua, Faith, and Hope.