I like to take stock of my life, to recognize life lessons I’ve learned along the way.

To keep this theme going, I took a moment to write some of these things down, in the briefest ways possible. The spiritual sequel to 30 Things You Learn In 30 Years, here are 32 fake fortunes for 32 years of life. Consider them bitesized aphorisms that range from the “No, shit.” to the “Well…maybe there’s some truth to that?”

Take them or leave them and, hopefully, one or two can help you in your years to come.

1. Giving compliments – particularly to friends – can change both of your lives.
2. No one should drink before noon.
3. Even if you are “not a writer,” you should be writing out your life story for someone else to find.
4. If your body is trying to tell you something, you need to fucking listen, dumbass.
5. Get a doctor that you can email about any little thing. That’s better than any search engine.
6. Email someone you haven’t spoken to in a while and see how they are.
7. Talk to old people.
8. Try to be spontaneous because, one day, you won’t have the opportunity to be.
9. Movies are overrated.
10. All that time you waste being jealous could be used doing literally anything else.
11. Some people are just toxic and nothing you can do will change that.
12. When you feel like it’s time to go, go. A party, a job, a relationship: when that nag pulls at you, don’t ignore it.
13. If something bugs you, bring it up immediately. The only thing that happens by waiting is it ferments inside you, making an extremely bitter wine.
14. Three dogs are better than two which are better than one.
15. You don’t owe anyone anything.
16. Splitting a bottle of wine? Perfection. Splitting two bottles of wine? Fun. Splitting more? Death.
17. “Forget” your phone at home.
18. Sometimes, take a few minutes to stare at a wall and breathe.
19. Somestimes, take a few hours to go for a walk.
20. Sometimes, take a day off from spending money.
21. Sometimes, take a day off from driving a car.
22. Sometimes, take a week off from eating meat.
23. Sometimes, take a week off from sexual activity.
24. Sometimes, take a month off from shopping.
25. Sometimes, take a month off from drinking alcohol.
26. Go outside more and, if you can, bike.
27. Don’t masturbate more than three times a day. Your body will thank you for it.
28. It’s okay to occasionally eat cake for breakfast.
29. Quit Facebook, moron.
30. Reading can save your life.
31. Smoke weed to solve your problems.
32. As a wise woman once said, “Age ain’t nothing but a number.”