The room in the back

Y'know, there's nothing better than sitting home, kicking back and watching a good movie you've rented.

Great plot.

Great acting.

Great directing.

When it all works together, well, it doesn't get much better than that.

And while it's true that a man of my stature and sophistication has a certain appreciation for virtually all genre of film, nothing tickles my fancy quite like the movies at the video store that carry those three special letters:

Which leads me to ask: if porno is so easy to like, why do they make it so damn hard to rent? Why I ask? Why? Why?

I mean, there you are, a virile man, bubbling with testosterone. You're sitting at home when you decide that tonight, you're not going to finish your clay ashtray.

Tonight, you've decided to put Chapter 12 of "You're On Your Way To Becoming A Mime" on hold.

Tonight, you can sum up your life in three short words:

Dir. Ty. Girls.

So you get in the car and you head over to the video store. Your mission: Secure a classic film from the secret little porno room in the back of the video store.

You walk through the front door of the store, and the first thing you do is look around to see if there's anybody you know inside.

Check that.

The first thing you do before you walk in is pray to God there's nobody you know in the store.

LITTLE OLD LADY WHO LIVES DOWN THE STREET:

Hi there, sonny.

YOU:

Hi, little old lady who lives down the street. So what are you renting?

LITTLE OLD LADY WHO LIVES DOWN THE STREET:

"Titanic." And you?

YOU:

"Titanic Whore." There's supposed to be a really good gang bang. Hey, your petunias look great, by the way.

Let's say you get lucky and there's not a single person you know in the store. Other than the geek behind the counter who already knows you're a pervert because you've rented a porno flick for like, 27 days in a row.

You may think you're set. But the fact is, even if there's one other person in the store, you can't sprint towards the secret little porno room in the back because that's sending a major signal that you're a pervert.

Which in fact, you are. After all, you've rented a porno flick for like, 27 days in a row.

No no no no no.

Instead, you've got to do that classic dance, the Porno Video Shuffle.

You know. You spend a while walking around the store…looking at all the new video releases…trying to act like you really came in to rent a Harrison Ford movie when all you're really trying to do is snake your way through the store so you can slip into the secret little porno room in the back.

"Darn it! The new Bette Midler video is out! That makes me so mad. I really love Bette Midler. Oh well, I guess I'll have to settle for 'Anal Trilogies, Part XXVII.'"

Occasionally, as you make your way through the G's, the PG-13's and the R's, your eye is drawn to a video cover that looks like it has potential to be something good. Good and dirty. But you know from experience that the hot chick on the cover isn't even in the movie, and there's going to be nothing more than a random breast. Or two.

But still, you stop and look. Because damnit, that's what we do.

Finally, as the tomfoolery ends, you make your way to the room.

The secret little porno room in the back.

You take one final look around to make sure your mother or your son's kindergarten teacher or your rabbi hasn't walked in the video store, and you head in.

You know the geek up front has been laughing at you, because you know he knew you were gonna wind up here anyway.

But who cares about him? You're in.

Nirvana.

Earth to mothership: we've landed.

There, within an arm's grasp, lay some of the finest footage ever to come out of Hollywood.

All you've gotta do is grab one and you're gone.

No no no no no.

You stand there and look at all the boxes, don't you?

I do.

Like it matters.

Like three minutes into any one of them, even money says you're looking at a hot blonde with a huge rack on all fours.

But still, you stand there. And you look at every box.

You read the backs.

Wow, interesting plot. This woman is a nurse. And she screws a lot of guys.

Wow, interesting plot. This woman is a newscaster. And she screws a lot of guys.

Wow, interesting plot. This woman screws a lot of guys. Then she screws a lot of guys.

On and on it goes on. Box after box after box.

But you can't rush such an important decision, y'know?

Eventually, you're ready to make a decision.

You're ready to pick your flick…when it happens. Every time.

Some other guy walks in the secret little porno room in the back.

The pervert.

You take a quick glance at him to make sure he's not somebody you know.

Check that.

You take a quick glance at him and pray to God he's not somebody you know.

Fundamental little dark porno room in the back rule #1:

Never, ever talk to another man while in the room. Because that's a clear indication of homosexuality.

Or willingness to try.

Now, you've gotta stand there and look at the videos for a while. Again. Because you don't want him to think you're some freak who just wanted some smut to take home and watch.

Even though you are.

You both do a little ballet around the room. He's on one side looking. You, on the other.

Fundamental little dark porno room in the back rule #2:

Never, ever find yourself standing next to another guy in the room, looking at the same shelf at the same time.

Because that's a clear indication of homosexuality.

Or willingness to try.

When you've finally made your choice -- again -- it's time to exit the little dark porno room in the back.

Of course, because they've placed the little dark porno room in the back in the back, you've got to make your way through the entire damn store to pay for it.

Except this time, you don't do the bob-n-weave like you did to get in there.

No no no no no.

With eyes straight head, you charge out of that room.

Check that.

With eyes straight ahead, you pray to God that no one you know walked in while you were in the little dark porno room in the back, and then you charge out of that room.

You bring your purchase up to the geek. He acts no differently than if you were renting "Aladdin" for the kids.

You try to ignore the fact that he's pretending not to care, so you pay as quickly as you can and start to head off on your way.

Phew. Finally. It's over.

I ask: Is it worth it?

I answer: Of course it's worth it.

I ask another question: Does it have to be that difficult?

Why should I be made to feel badly about my love and appreciation of the female form? Especially when the camera's right up her skirt?

Why has society made me feel indecent about what comes naturally between two people?

Or three people. Or six. Whatever.

If you ask me, Paulie Shore movies should be the ones in the little dark room in the back.

It's just not right.

On behalf of porno movie lovers everywhere, I say we organize. Let's bring our love of porn into the open where it belongs.

Hey, we have nothing to hide. We're proud. We're strong. We can win this fight for we believe in….

And as soon as I watch, "Banana Biting Bitches: The Lost Empire," I swear to God I'm gonna think about this some more.

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