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The new zealander shame (11 November 2004)

An australian went into a bar and sat next to a new zealander who was chewing on a gum. The new zealand man chewing the gum asked the auzzie if they eat bread in australia, the auzzie said of course, we eat the inside of the bread and take the outside and recycle it then make cereal with it for new zealand. Then the new zealand man chewing on the gum asked if they ate bananas in australia then the auzzie said, well of course we eat the inside and recycle the rest and make smoothies for new zealanders. then the new zealander chewing the gum asked 1 more question "do you have sex in australia:" the man said yes "we use condoms for sex and when we finish with them we recycle it and make gum for new zealanders".

Close call (09 November 2004)

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he
said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said:
"Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted,
"How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting,
"Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

The way things are (07 November 2004)

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad
says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is
the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call
you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about
this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and
runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to
bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Secret (03 November 2004)

A man walks into a bar, not realizing it's a gay bar, sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, "bartender, give me a beer.". The bartender replies, "what's the name of your dick?". The man just about fell out of his chair with shock and exclaimed to the bartender, "what did you just ask me?". The bartender repeated the question and the man looked confused, so the bartender explained that this was a gay bar and in order to buy a beer, your cock had to have a nickname. The bartender turned to another man sitting at the bar and asked him what his dick's name was. The other man responded, "my dick's name is dodge.... Ram tough.". Once again the bartender turned to another man in the bar and asked the same question. The other man responded, "my dick's name is chevy....like a rock.". The bartender looked at the man waiting for his response. The man sat there quietly for a monent and the bartender asked him again, "what's your dick's name?". The man replied, "secret". The bartender looked at him confused and said, "sectret?". The man said, "yes, secret.....stong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

The skirt (01 November 2004)

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and
it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

What does that mean (30 October 2004)

Theres this girl,she is five.She goes spying on her big sister and she hears her cussing out her boyfriend and she says, "you mother fucking asshole!" Just then jill, thats the little girl,interrupts them talking and blurts out, big sissy,what does asshole mean? The girl surprised by the question,says BOYFRIEND!Okay , so the girl runs off onto the bathroom.
Jill sneaks up on her dad while he was shaving and says boo!THE dad says "Shit!" So the girl ask her dad "What does shit mean?" And he stammers "Shaving cream". So she said okay and went about her day.
Jill then runs into her mom, who was in the kitchen cutting the turkey. Her mom is startled when Jill comes in, cuts her hand, and says "Fuck!". So Jill ask "What does fuck mean momma?" And scramblimg for an answer, her mom says "cutting."
All of the sudden, they hear the door. Jill answers and sees her Dads boss at the door. He ask "Sweetie, do you know where you everyone is at?" And she says, "Well, my sister's talking to her asshole, my Moms fucking the turkey and my Dads wiping the shit off his face."

Strangers in Washrooms (28 October 2004)

Leaving Pensacola, we decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall............ Hi there, how is it going?
Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but, finally, I say: Not bad.
Then the voice says: So, what are you doing?
I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: Well, I'm going to Biloxi.
Then I hear the person, all flustered, say: Look, I'll call you back - every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!

Where is my hat (26 October 2004)

A man spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out, he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you, my son. Did you change your mind when I started to preach 'thou shall not steal'?"
The man responded, "No, it was the one about adultery. When you started to preach about that, I remembered where I left my hat."

Osama=Faggot (24 October 2004)

One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here",says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place... I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," bin Laden said."I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama Bin Laden. The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Do It (22 October 2004)

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him and asked, "What are you in here for buddy?" The dog looked depressed. "I'm in big trouble", he said. "My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep." "I know how you feel", said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself. I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep too." Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you here for?" they asked. "Well", said the third dog, "my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vaccuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life." The other dogs nodded in sympathy. "So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?" "No", said the dog, "I'm getting my nails clipped."

Pineapples (18 October 2004)

3 guys got kidnapped by a cannible. He told them he would let them go if they could shove 10 fruits up their ass without any facial expressions. So the first guy came back with 10 berries and he shoved 7 of them up his ass then he smiled and he got eaten. Then the second guy came with 10 apples and he shoved 9 of them up his ass then he started to laughed so he got eaten. The 2 guys met in heaven and the first guy said "why did you laugh?" and he said "I saw the third guy coming with pineapples".

The Elevator and The Redneck (16 October 2004)

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked: - Paw, What's 'at? The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a
fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma........."

bad problem (14 October 2004)

A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

The Koala Bear (29 September 2004)

A Koala walks in to a inn in the outback and a man at the front office says, "Ya wanna hooker?" The Koala nods and the man tells him that the last door on the right is where she is. Well Mr. Koala went down the hall and enters the last door on the right. He went in and found the hooker laying naked on the bed. He jumped on her and proceded to have oral sex. When he was done he got up and strated to walk out. The hooker stopped him and told him that he needed to pay. Thehe koala looked confused, and so she took him over to the dictionary and looked up the definition of prostitute. Well the koala seemed to understand but then he turned to the definition of Koala which said, " A small bear which eats bush and leaves."

Head and Sholders (27 September 2004)

there was a blonde and a brunett in an elevator and this guy walks in with dandruff on his sholders and the brunett said " somebody should give this guy head and sholders" the blonde: " i gave him head....but how do you give sholders?"

MOTHERFUCKER (25 September 2004)

This girl goes to confession. The priest ask what she did. She says that she called a boy in her class a motherfucker. The priest asked why she called him a motherfucker. The girl said that the boy kissed her. The priest leaned down and kissed her. Is that why you called him a motherfucker? The girl said no, then he grabbed my boobs. So the priest reached down and grabbed the girls boobs.
Is this why you called him a motherfucker? The girl said now then he took my top off. So the priest
took the girls top off. Is this why you called him a motherfucker? The girl said no, then he took my panties off. So the priest proceeded to take the girls panties off. Is this why you called him a motherfucker?
The girl said no, then he stuck his you know what in my you know where.
So the priest stuck his you know what in her you know where. Now is this why you called him a motherfucker? The girl said no.. The priest is very angry by now. Now why did you call this fellow a motherfucker? The girl sat there a second, then said, because he gave me herpes..The priest
then said, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!

interesting way to have sex (23 September 2004)

A couple has been dating for three months, and the sex is getting dull.
One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky." He says, "Sure." She says, "Stand over me and take a shit on me." He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest. She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and screw me." He lies on top of her, with the shit oozing between them, and she gives him the wildest hump he's ever had. The next time they're lying in bed, it's boring and she asks him to do it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge turd onto her chest. Then he lies on her, and they have another incredible lay. As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a horse on the days before their dates, because it seems the more he craps on her, the better the sex is. One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he eats a few cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of Kaopectate before he goes to work, so he won't wheedle down his legs at the office. That night, he goes to her house, they go in the bedroom and get undressed, she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats down, and grunts...but nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then llbbt!...a little fart...but nothing of any substance. For a few minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when suddenly he hears her crying. He says, "Honey, what's wrong?" She says, "You're seeing someone else, aren't you???"

good night (21 September 2004)

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."

POOF (20 September 2004)

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." POOF The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." POOF The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women." POOF The Arab is turned into a Tampax. The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for.
There may be a string attached.

being an egg (18 September 2004)

If you think your life is bad ,how would you like to be an egg?
- U only get laid once
U only get eaten once
- it takes 4 minutes to get hard & only 2 to get soft
U share your box with 11 other guys
-But worst... the only chick that sat on your face was your mother so cheer up.. your life ain't that bad.

A woman takes a lover (16 September 2004)

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "It sure is dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" Man - "Fine." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Sure is dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and let's have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Sure is dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

Sleep is The Cousin of Death (14 September 2004)

There were these two guys sitting in a bar and enjoying their drinks.
They were talking about their favorite position while having sex.
" What position do you like best when you have sex?"
" I like the rodeo position."
" What the hell is the rodeo position?"
" Listen carefully. You can only do it once with your wife so try to enjoy it. You get your wife on all fours and you get behind her and you start fucking her doggie style. When she is really into it and starts havin fun, put all your weight on her back without using your hands and whisper into her ear: " This is your sister's favorite position too!"
Then try to stay on top with no hands for ten seconds!"

closest shave ever (05 September 2004)

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

nurse Nancy (03 September 2004)

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
"She's out of control!" the first doctor says. "She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!"
"That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!"'
All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.
"OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!"

Split up the Middle (01 September 2004)

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

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