Thursday, December 6, 2012

Bob recently told me “At times, a phone call from a woman colleague will trigger jealousy for my honey. It may seem ridiculous to me and also annoying because I don't do anything consciously or on purpose to trigger her jealousy, so I remind myself not to react or overreact and instead to simply reassure her that she is the love of my life. There is no other. But oddly enough, I actually get a little excited when she gets jealousy because it's just another reassurance, in a funny sort of way, that she really does love me."

Then I asked him, "So do you have some doubts whether or not she loves you?"

Bob thought for a moment and said, "Not really. I mean, I suppose I have as many questions about my lovableness as anyone, but I consciously work on that. You know, if I don't think I am lovable, why should she? So whether or not I think I am lovable is totally separate from whether or not she loves me, and the fact is she shows me in all kinds of little and big ways that she loves me, and in my rational mind, there are no doubts about it."

Isn’t that interesting? So the key here is he is aware of where he stands with himself about his lovableness, and at the same time has no doubts that she loves him. So what happens if he gets lost in his own estimation that he is not lovable and then on top of it, doubts that she loves him.

Ah! More interesting. Her jealousy will feel controlling and constantly trigger his insecurity. Wow! Think about this and talk about it with each other.

Sometimes, when one or both of you are expressing a lot of jealousy and trying to control the other person's activities, it may be an indicator that there is a BIG ONE in the relationship, a BIG ONE that you both chose to bury and the BIG ONE, as can be predicted, has finally buried you.

So what is a BIG ONE? A Big One is one of those over-the-top events in your relationship that you both chose not to deal with for whatever "good" or not-so-good reason.

So check out both Chapter 16 “The Big One,” and Chapter 19, “Rituals For Healing and Forgiveness.”

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

We think of a prearranged marriage as something that happens in foreign countries or cultures or something that happened in the “old days.” BUT many folks are in prearranged marriages. How can you tell? Well, lots of different ways, and a PREVIOUS BLOG addresses this topic and gives us an overview.

One type of prearranged marriage described in that blog is the “stuck couple.” In this marriage, neither partner likes the other nor the relationship itself. But they see no way out, and they believe there is NO way out. Somehow, the relationship is in cement (prearranged in that sense), and like the mafia solution when all else fails, the couple prefers to die in their cemented relationship and literally float to the bottom. Yes, they choose to live on the "bottom" of their relationship among all the whale poop, sunken ships, buried treasure, and a host of strange under water animals that will never see the light of day. You can only imagine what all this bottom debris represents in the relationship.

No one, not even God, says one or two must drown in their own ocean of despair, bitterness, anger, and resentment. God only said, let no man break up what God has brought together. The cement, that now holds you fast is perhaps a clear indication that God didn’t bring you together in the first place. Or if you insist that God did bring you together, then acknowledge that the two of you together systematically destroyed the relationship. It is okay to recognize and acknowledge the the relationship is no longer, and perhaps never existed in the first place. It is time to mourn either what we thought we had or perhaps what we did have. Time to mourn and let go.

This is not about divorce nor whether or not divorce is okay or a solution. This is simply recognizing that sometimes we try to build a sacramental relationship where there are no building blocks for such a relationship, or if there was, then we, for whatever reason, destroyed the relationship. It’s not healthy or Godly, to continue to pretend and to try to make something out of such destruction.
What do you think?

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Is there a lot of blaming in your relationship? Are you tired of being blamed? Do you use blaming to one-up your partner? Has blaming ever worked for you? Has it accomplished anything other than you feeling self righteous or justified? Or your partner feeling nothing but a sense of hopelessness and devastation?

Some of us grew up in families where the saying, Poop Happens, never applied. Mom or Dad or both always found someone to blame for whatever went wrong. There was no such thing as an accident. Your mistakes or failures became definitions of who you are, for example, a goof ball, an idiot, lame brain, and so on. Such an upbringing can be good preparation and training for being the perennial martyr or the person who is ALWAYS on the defensive and does any and everything to avoid being wrong or feeling guilty, including blaming.

Sometimes, such an experience growing up can leave us incapable of apologizing. It is too painful to simply say “I’m sorry” because it triggers overwhelming humiliation and smallness. Or we apologize for everything even what we are absolutely not responsible for, for example, it raining on your anniversary or birthday.

Interesting stuff.

The bottom line is blaming, for whatever good or bad reason we use it, is only a way out of the relationship and not a way in. Check out Chapter Seven in the book. The most difficult challenge in this chapter is doing what we do for our partner or loved one FOR FREE.

Purchase your own copy of the book today or purchase one for a friend.AMAZON OR BARNES AND NOBLE. If you purchase a book NOW, your purchase will include a brief (ten minute) telephone coaching session at the end of each chapter.

THANKS FOR READING, COMMENTING, AND INVESTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Find me on TWITTER.

Monday, October 1, 2012

WHERE DO YOU LIVE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? You know, do you live in the past, lugging around all those resentments? Do you live in the past, wishing everything were as magical as it once was? Or do you live in the future. Once he gets that job, everything will be perfect. Once I quit drinking, then things will surely change. Once she finds the right combo of hormones and antidepressants, I can stop walking on eggshells.

WHERE DO YOU LIVE??

How about living in the NOW. Try it on for size, try it out for right NOW. Begin my soaking in who your spouse is right now, right now. Notice everything you can notice right now. Then make a decision. I will love this person right now. And loving this person right now may take you to a half a dozen nows. It may mean giving them a kiss you have been withholding because of the past. It may mean giving him or her a kiss NOW even it won’t lead to what you want it to in the future. It may mean giving him or her a kiss and saying “I’m going to make the best of our relationship right now” whether that means being cordial, loving, or perhaps being angry and letting the anger move you to being honest and real. So you’re not going to pretend any longer.

It is all about NOW. It is all you have in your relationship. So grab it.

Close your eyes and open the book (From The Frying Pan To The Jacuzzi), and point to a place on the page. Read that paragraph and live it now.

I HAVE A SPECIAL OFFER FOR RIGHT NOW. Purchase a book NOW and included will be a ten minute phone coaching session after each chapter. 951-440-94117

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

In recent blogs, we have been looking at compromise and consensus. Here's another "drive by" at compromise and the limits of compromise.

....there’s nothing wrong with compromise. It is often referred to as the middle ground. But it is just that. The middle ground. It does not encompass the full breadth of what each person has to offer the relationship.The middle ground is often a dull and boring place to hang out. Most of us are not able to hang out there very long. And when we begin venturing beyond the middle ground, the strife begins again. The peace of the middle ground is very tenuous and extremely vulnerable to being compromised!

WELL, WHAT ABOUT FAIRNESS?What about it?! This is one of those topics that is going to be extremely difficult for some of you to let go of. We talked about it in the Mawvelous Differences chapter. There is no way to fit fairness into choreography. It’s a totally foreign concept when it comes to dancing. It just doesn’t fit. It’s not in the same league. Sorry! (Final Chapter, page 162).

Most of us are so programmed to think in terms of fifty fifty, you do your part, or we even talk about my better half as if each of us are a half of the relationship, that it is almost foreign for us to think in terms of 100/100.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE FROM YESTERDAY'S PICTURE OF

THE ONE ROCK, THE ROCK WHO WON!

When we compromise in a relationship, we give in a little with the expectation that the other will give in a little as well. It is not unusual that the other person does not give in a little as expected or they say they did, but in reality, they did not budge. And even if they do give in a little, it becomes score keeping. I compromised on this, and it’s your turn to compromise on that. This kind of bartering is hardly “promising mutually” which is the root meaning of compromise.

Trying to fit compromise into a personal and or intimate relationship has a way of transforming the parties in the relationship into “countries” or prospective enemies especially if they can’t reach a so-called co-promise.

So when it comes to conflict and differences, we want to aim for and actually reach what is known as CONSENSUS.

You know, there is something really beautiful and artistic about consensus. In consensus (feeling with), you are not required to reach agreement. You begin “dancing” with your partner’s plan and you begin recognizing and identifying what you can live with in each other’s “plan” or desire or expectation or need. And then you make a decision, FREE OF CHARGE, to respond to the other person’s wishes within that context, the context of what you can live with. So it is not all or nothing. It IS what I can live with.

Just a few examples: Yes, I can live with us giving Johnny some consequences. I cannot live with you spanking him....Yes, I want very much to go on a cruise. Let’s do with it. And given what we have been going through financially, I just can’t live with us going first class....I want to make love to you, I enjoy making love to you and I can’t live with making love after nine o’clock.... The examples are endless, so fill them in for yourselves, and enjoy consensus. There is no score to keep.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

SORRY, BEING A WINNER DOESN'T ROCK! WINNING IN THE RELATIONSHIP IS PRETTY LONELY!

Is your relationship one big competition, one big game where one or both of you are always trying to win? Win what? Yes, that is a good question. There really isn’t anything to win and everything to lose (Chapter Eight, The Stalemate).

But let’s be realistic for a moment. You like to win those arguments, doncha? You like to control the outcome of questions and decisions, Yes? Be honest!

Where we will go for vacation? When and how often will we make love? How and on what will we spend our “extra” money or how we will spend money, period? Yes, the list goes on and on. How to or not to discipline the kids is often a "bigee."

Remember, when your need to win wraps around these important issues, someone always ends up being a loser, and in fact the relationship loses for sure. And some one becomes a control freak and someone builds a tower of resentments.

And do not shift from competition to compromise. Compromise is a myth in my book. There really is no such thing as compromise--promising mutually. A compromise is never mutual. Well, it is mutual in this sense. You both agree that someone wins and someone loses! What a deal, uh?

In short, we want to learn something called consensus which is much much different than compromise. So check out tomorrow’s post. See you there.

So where do you stand on Public Displays of Affection and where does your partner or lover stand? Do you ever talk about it and if not, why not?

Perhaps it is not an issue in your relationship, and you are both very comfortable with expressing your affection for each other whenever and wherever. Or perhaps there just isn’t much affection between the two of you so it doesn’t really matter whether it’s a public display or not. Well, whatever the case, talk about it with each other. In fact, you both could be making assumptions about the other person’s preferences and both be dead wrong.

I was sitting at a small table in a coffee shop, with a couple yesterday for several hours. The husband was sitting next to me. We both had our laptops in front of us, and he was walking me through the in’s and out’s of twitter and buffer. Throughout the several hours that the three of us were sitting there, from time to time, he would stand up and lean forward and invite her to kiss him. No, he never leaned to the right to kiss me and that was really okay! But I was touched by this spontaneous and reoccurring “move” on his part. My interpretation? Well, even though he was sitting relatively close to her and they actually live together, he just could not get enough of her. And she was very receptive each time, no hesitation. I thought, “Wow!”

So that relationship is alive, really alive. And you can tell it’s alive by observing them, and they can tell it’s alive by their experience of their relationship.

Yes, this is one of those areas where typically one person enjoys public display of affection and one person does not. So check out the chapter nine, “Mawvelous Differences” and, for heaven’s sake talk about this with one another.

Not always, but typically the guy is hesitant or shy or too “macho” to respond to much public display of affection. So, guys, just give it up. PDA goes a long long long way. Be thinking about when your 86 and needing your diaper changed!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

We so often talk about doing our part or our half. We are often willing to take fifty percent responsibility for what goes on in our relationship. I call this "dancing the fifty fifty."

There is nothing wrong with fifty-fifty. In fact, it makes a great ice cream bar! But it is just that. Fifty-fifty. It’s pretty difficult to maintain and virtually impossible to find an objective tool to measure fifty-fifty. I’ve looked in all the major hardware and home stores. They don’t sell such a tool. The salespeople just laugh at me.What’s worse is you never get to experience the other person in his or her wholeness. You only get half of them, and sometimes the half you get ain’t very pretty or nice!

That’s why we are talking about FOLDING and DANCING instead of blending! We want to dance with all of our partner, not just a piece! (Final Chapter, page 161).

So what do you think? There's more to this chapter and you can purchase your very own copy on AMAZON or BARNES AND NOBLE.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Experiencing interdependence or intimacy is a fullness. We are filled with a desire to put our best foot forward whether or not our partner reciprocates, full of the awareness that we both have good days and bad days, full of the awareness that a bad hair day is nothing personal, full of the awareness that crabiness and complaints are just that, complaints and crabiness, again nothing personal. Full of the freedom to move beyond my self and my fears of change into the realm of the US. Full of the freedom to give each other maximum freedom to dance the entire dance to the fullest. (Page 166, final chapter)

So are you willing to put your best foot forward even if your partner does not reciprocate? Are you willing to create fullness in your relationship even if your partner is not willing to dance the fifty fifty? (And actually, we will learn in tomorrow's post, that you can't dance the fifty fifty anyhow! It doesn't work.)

It is often scary to even consider making decisions to create something in the relationship that either you predict your partner will not reciprocate or perhaps your partner has just outright told you he or she will not reciprocate.

However, it is often in making this decision to carry your weight, to do your dance, that triggers the desire in the other to reciprocate. So nothing to lose, really.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Eperiencing interdependence or intimacy is freedom. We are free of defensiveness, free of the fear of getting into trouble, free of making sure that we get in the first punch, free of having to win, free of all the negative images of ourselves that perhaps were once placed upon us by others, but in the mean time, we have adopted hook line and sinker, free of the fear of our partner leaving or abandoning us, free of the need to prove ourselves, free of the fear of losing my self in the relationship, and free of the fear of change. In this part of the dance, I am free to let go of my need to see reality only through my logical eyes or only through my emotional eyes. I am free to let myself move into experiencing reality more through my partner’s eyes. (Page 167, final chapter)

So when we are free to experience reality through our partner’s eyes, it does not mean that we give up our experience through out own eyes, but we are free to took through both sets of eyes, much like looking through binoculars rather than a telescope. Looking at reality through both sets of eyes gives us, not just a two dimensional perspective, but a three dimensional perspective. We are back to the “more” that we create as a couple in all elements of the relationship.

The fancy term for this is the principle of summativity. So when two individuals bring all of whom they are to the relationship, they end up creating a oneness that is beyond, that is more, beyond and more than the sum of the two individuals together. For me, that more is divine, and when we are willing to create that more, we answer God’s beckoning call to be not just a part of God, but one with God.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

So don't know if this guy is laughing or just going crazy over something, but everyone who sees him is laughing. That's quite an expression on his face!

So who said you can't cry over spilled milk? Well, if you can't, you can at least LAUGH over spilled milk.

Interestingly enough, the Greeks thought that “humor” was a kind of bodily fluid that influenced our personality type. There were four humors: phlegm, blood, and yellow and black bile.

I like the notion that humor has something to do with body fluids! When we laugh, we get things moving in our body. It often stirs up phlegm and if we laugh too long or too hard, we might start coughing. Laughing is the same chest movement as crying, so the longer we laugh, we will eventually begin to tear and cry. Sometimes we laugh so hard, we fart or even pee our pants!

So laughter is the way through defenses, rigidity, walls, road blocks, withholding, and even being in the cave and refusing to come out. Humor is a way to mix all of our bodily fluids into a life giving mixture of joy instead of depression, anger, resentment, and disgust. (Chapter 18, page 133).

So for crying out loud, don't take life so so seriously. Lose your grip and laugh!

Laughing together is one way of coming back together after we have created distance in the relationship by taking everything so seriously and so personally. Laughing is the way into crying when we need to cry and crying is the way into laughter when we need to laugh.

So if there hasn't been much laughter lately, rent a funny video, and laugh together. Or start a fart fest or some other stupid, disgusting, and funny activity. See who can make the best sound using your hand under your arm. You know that stupid thing junior high kids do. Get a woophy cushion and have a blast imitating famous people giving one of their famous speeches with a loud fart at the climax.

LAUGHTER will generate endorphins and many other healing humors for your brain.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

I found one particularly interesting definition in the dictionary. Something joined by two equal and opposite forces that act along parallel lines. Sounds like subatomic theory, but I think that describes a couple pretty well. Two equal, yes equal. Two opposite forces. Yes opposites. That act along parallel lines. You know, like a railroad track. Yes.

Some of us get very hung up with Scripture which seems to imply in several places that the man is a little above the woman. Some folks like to say the man is the head and the woman is the heart. Thank God, my head and heart don’t squabble about this Scripture. It would really mess me up. “Hey, you, get over yourself. I’m the heart here.” “No, you get over yourself. I’m the brains of this deal.”

Men have just as much heart as women and women have just as many brains as men. We have really distorted the wonders of God’s creation by assigning gender to head and heart.

So let’s struggle with the definition. We are equal and opposites. So we are going to tug with one another. We might even disagree and fight. Wow! Imagine that! But we act along parallel lines. The railroad tracks must remain parallel. One rail cannot place itself above or below the other without derailing the train. So as much as we may never become one, we are a ONE in a very unique way. God was really creating something pretty awesome here.

And, as a couple, we always bring the best out in eachother. So my rail supports your rail if we are going to remain a track, a couple. And I have to trust that your rail will always have my rail’s best interest at heart. And I have to believe that you do what you do for a good reason. So sometimes I may not agree with you, but I don’t take it personal and I continue to travel alongside of you so we can remain a couple.

So what do you think?

Need some support in exploring who you are as a couple. Well, that support is only a click away.BARNES and NOBLE or AMAZON.

Friday, July 6, 2012

“We’re just very unhappy....I’m miserable. I just don’t want to go on like this....we just don’t get along....not sure why we ever got together. It seemed like there was something there....we either don’t talk at all or we fight and we fight about EVERYTHING....but you start it....and you do a pretty good job of finishing it....you got to be right about everything. You just can’t let something go....you keep bringing up sh-t that happened years ago....it’s just too painful to keep going on like this....” (Page eight).

Does this sound familiar? Of course it does. It is a place that perhaps is inevitable to get to. Even the most experienced hiker or mountain climber or marathon runner can hit a wall and wonder, "what was I (we) thinking of?"

So you have many options at this point. One thing for sure, we can stop trying to jump higher.

We can stop trying to make the other person happy and begin taking responsibility for our own happiness. That doesn't mean we have to abandon our partner, and not care about our partner's happiness, but we become clear what our place is in our partner's life. Our partner is responsible for his or her happiness.

There is always an option to "opt out." It is true that sometimes we reach a point of "terrible" clarity. Our relationship was perhaps doomed from the start. We chose to engage for all the "wrong" reasons. The toxicity we each bring to the relationship makes it impossible for a healthy relationship to develop and then grow. It's not about either one of us being bad people. It's about the crap we bring to the relationship which we are each responsible for sorting out, healing, and in some cases taking to the local dump to be discarded and buried.

But even in this case, sometimes there is something inside of us that drives us to stay together for all the right reasons.

Whatever wall we find ourselves at, something has to happen, something has to give. At rock bottom, we each need to make a decision to grow up and be the grown up individuals that we are, which will entail letting go of a lot of pain, a lot of history, a lot of blame, and begin a healing journey together. By letting go, I do not mean to just forget or bury or pretend it never happened. It is more a weaving process, weaving into the fabric of my life and weaving into the fabric of our relationship all the lose threads, the snags, and the broken threads.

It is a doable journey, quite doable. There are a lot of resources out there including this book.

So check it out. On the book's website, you can actually download sample chapters from the book to see just how helpful it will be for your journey. In the meantime, breathe again. Your life is not over. Your relationship is not over. It may be over as you have experienced it up to this point, but that is probably a good thing, a relief. It was killing both of you and it doesn't have to do that any longer.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Those who find themselves stuck in their relationship but are not willing to throw in the towel, can be categorized into three groups. I know, I hate categories as well. But sometimes it makes a point a little easier to grasp.

So I see us couples in three different groups. Some of us are FIGHTERS, some of us are in PREARRANGED MARRIAGES, and some of us are just STUCK.

Now, these groups do NOT appear to be in any way mutually exclusive–just like all those “silly” symptoms. As you read on about the different groups, I can hear some of you saying that you, in fact, have “membership” in all three! You insist upon not getting left out of any category! Some of you will insist that you are in only one group or the other, and some of you will insist that you fit into none of them. You are a couple all unto yourself, like no other! Ironically, that is the third category!Obviously all of us are STUCK. We are not able to move forward and be in the relationship we so desperately want. But the couples who fall into the STUCK category are really stuck, particularly because they see themselves as so different from everyone else. They live in NO COUPLES LAND! (Page nine)

Chapter Three of the book covers the three groups in detail. Here we will just scratch the surface, give you a taste.

The first group, THE FIGHTERS, typically are not physically abusive. But they are hell-bent on winning whenever conflict arises. Just the thought of losing an argument drives them insane. The conundrum is simple. You be the winner all the time, and basically your partner is a looser. You hardly want that, do you? Or do you?

Then there are those of you who are in PREARRANGED MARRIAGES. Many of us are in prearranged marriages and we don't even know it. But the prearrangement of the marriage makes it impossible for us to grow where we want the relationship to take us.

Some of us believe our marriage was made in heaven. Well, that's as prearranged as you can get, and it is an awful experience when the relationship comes crashing down to earth.

Some of us are in prearranged marriages that were made in dot com heaven. There you are at the click of my mouse. My dream partner, Cinderella and Prince Charming.

Some of us simply believe we were meant for each other, and that also is prearranged somewhere in the big universe.

Now prearranged marriages are awesome. You just have to make room for the imperfection of the perfect match.

And then there is the STUCK GROUP. You desperately want to stay together, but for whatever reason you don't believe anyone or anything can support you staying together. As much as you want to stay together, you believe somewhere in your narcissistic hearts that you are doomed. I know, weird, but some of you can relate. We can all relate on some level and at any given moment in time.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

In our "little" town of Yucaipa, there are fireworks shows every night for the Wow-ing.

Okay, here's the deal. I just didn't have a good picture of fireworks, so why not the sun?

So what does it mean, in the context of our relationship, to declare one's independence? Well, it does mean something very important as long as one's independence is part of the bigger picture and the entire dance.

In the last chapter of the book, "Know There Is A Dance," we look at all four movements or elements of an essential dance. Independence is only one of the four. Without integrating your independence into the other three movements of the dance, independence remains just that. Independence. So why be in a relationship if that is all you want? I mean, how much fun can it be to dance with yourself if you have the option of experiencing dancing with a partner?

When our independence is recognized as one ingredient, the others being codependence, counterdependence, and interdependence, our independence can contribute rich and unique flavors and movements to the relationship dance.

When each person brings their independence to the dance floor, they create a work of art that goes beyond the sum of their independence. They create something more, something undefinable. And in experiencing the more, they can experience the lush soothing of codependence, the raucous tugging of counterdependence, the exquisiteness of independence, and the elegant magical flow of interdependence.

So for heaven's sake declare your independence. It's Fourth of July, for crying out loud, for heaven's sake, after all! But don't make such a declaration to the exclusion of the other elements of the dance.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

So Dora tells Bill, "I am so excited about my new job I think I am going to throw up."

So Bill says nothing but the next day he says to Fred, his long-time friend, "What's with women? She said she was so excited about the new job, she thought she was going to throw up."

At that moment, a blush comes over Bill's face, and he hopes desperately that Fred doesn't notice. He is remembering his first date with Dora. He was so excited (nervous) that he thought he was going to throw up. He took Dora to his favorite Chinese restaurant, but had a hard time eating and then after dinner, he was full of gas and became doubly nervous that he would not be able to control really awful farts which were pushing really hard to get out, and holding them in became excruciating.

So now Bill remembers and knows exactly what Dora is experiencing. He regrets not saying something to her last night, but his regret quickly shifts, shifts back behind his intense need to be the man, to be all calm, in control, emotionless, and Fred doesn't help. "Well, you gotta know by now how women are. They're all into their emotions, you know, hormones and cycles and they just get all weird about the damnedest things."

Too embarrassed to tell Fred that he understands Dora, he just says, "Yeah, I don't know why I forget that women are that way, and she's always been that way, come to think of it."

And now the shame sets in. He betrays his wife by saying that she is like all the other weird women in the world. Throughout the rest of the day, he wonders if he will have what it takes to share with Dora that he gets it and that he's sorry he didn't let her know how much he gets it last night.

And sure enough, when the time comes, Bill acts all cool and simply says, "So how was your first day at the new job?" And Dora gets it. She senses Bill's neutral zone, so she simply says, "Oh fine. I got over my nervousness really quickly."

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

So want some support in exploring your emotional differences or emotional SIMILARITIES?
.
That support is only a click away.

Monday, July 2, 2012

So what is holding you back from actually being all growed-up in the relationship? I mean the fact is YOU ARE GROWED-UP. You are not a kid. You don’t look like a kid as young as you may appear. Yes, you are gorgeous, handsome, ready to be on the cover of ....

It is bad enough that you are cheating yourself here by remaining a kid in the relationship. Worse, you are cheating your spouse out of a healthy relationship, feeding into his or her being satisfied with being in control. That’s not good for your spouse. It does not allow them to receive anything from you. Only allows them to take. That is ultimately not good for them and definitely not for you.

When you catch yourself feeling as if you are about to get into trouble, take note. Then remind yourself that you can’t get into trouble anymore. Your partner may not understand a particular choice you are making, but if there are no intended purposeful painful consequences to your partner, then it is important to learn how to proceed with your decision. The fact of the matter is you are an adult, and at times you will make decisions that other adults do not understand or agree with.

For example, you may decide to go to the gym several days a week for your health. Your partner may feel angry that you “get” to go to the gym or jealous that you are spending time for yourself outside the relationship. If, in fact, the two of you have so little time together that your relationship is suffering, you do not want to be flippant and simply say, “screw you, I’m going to the gym!” But neither do you want to back away from your plan to improve your health out of fear of your partner being upset with you. There is obviously a need for some conversation here to figure out a way to mutually invest more time in the relationship. And it is true that where there is a will, there is always a way!

So one more time. Let’s say it out loud together. I AM ALL GROWED-UP AND CAN’T GET INTO TROUBLE ANYMORE. Now say out loud how old you actually are. Let that reality sink in until you feel that grown-up and that mature. And feel proud of your age! (Page 33).

Still don't have your own copy of the book? It is a click away? Or give someone a copy as a gift.AMAZONBARNES & NOBLE

Monday, June 25, 2012

Now Bunny and Bear are obviously all growed-up and enjoying an equal and reciprocal relationship!

Last week, we talked about being ALL GROWED-UP in the relationship. Today, we return to this topic and ask the question, So what is holding me back from being all growed-up in the relationship? I mean the fact is YOU ARE GROWED-UP. You are not a kid. You don’t look like a kid as young as you may appear. Yes, you are gorgeous, handsome, ready to be on the cover of Cosmopolitan or GQ! Hey, it is absolutely mawvelous to imagine. Yes, imagine that!

It is bad enough that you are cheating yourself here by remaining a kid in the relationship. Worse, you are cheating your spouse out of a healthy relationship, feeding into his or her being satisfied with being in control. That’s not good for your spouse. It does not allow him or her to receive anything from you. Only allows them to take. That is ultimately not good for them and definitely not for you.

When you catch yourself feeling as if you are about to get into trouble, take note. Then remind yourself that you can’t get into trouble anymore. Your partner may not understand a particular choice you are making, but if there are no intended purposeful painful consequences to your partner, then it is important to learn how to proceed with your decision. The fact of the matter is you are an adult, and at times you will make decisions that other adults do not understand or agree with.

For example, you may decide to go to the gym several days a week for your health. Your partner may feel angry that you “get” to go to the gym or jealous that you are spending time for yourself outside the relationship. If, in fact, the two of you have so little time together that your relationship is suffering, you do not want to be flippant and simply say, “screw you, I’m going to the gym!” But neither do you want to back away from your plan to improve your health out of fear of your partner being upset with you. There is obviously a need for some conversation here to figure out a way to mutually invest more time in the relationship. And it is true that where there is a will, there is always a way!

So one more time. Let’s say it out loud together. I AM ALL GROWED-UP AND CAN’T GET INTO TROUBLE ANYMORE. Now say out loud how old you actually are. Let that reality sink in until you feel that grown-up and that mature. And feel proud of your age! (Page 33).

So still without your very own personal copy of the book? How did that happen?

Monday, June 18, 2012

We are discussing Chapter Five today. Know That You Are All Growed-Up. In the picture above, Bunny and Bear are actually equal. Bunny just needs to sit up straight, sit tall in other words! How do you stand or sit?

When I suggest to you ways that you can stand up for yourself and BE an adult in the relationship, your immediate, and I mean IMMEDIATE, response is, “Oh, Jack would get really upset if I said that/did that....Oh, Jill would be really upset if I said that/did that.” Again, given that there is no domestic violence in the relationship, WHO CARES? Jack or Jill’s response is irrelevant when it comes to you being a grown-up in the relationship. If you become absorbed in his or her disapproval or criticism, you will absolutely sustain the illusion that you are just a kid and deserve his or her criticism and anger. (Page 32).

Do you live in fear perhaps not of being physically abused, but of
having to answer to other people all the time, other people who are
supposed to be the people you love or are in love with? Do you feel like
a kid in your relationships? And maybe you’re like me, in your
sixties? We are not kids!

Do you have to answer to
questions like Where have you been? Who were you with? Why do you have
to go out in the first place? What do you need that for? Why do you
need to join that group? Why did you need to spend that money?

Is
your partner physically taller and larger than you? Do you literally
look up to your partner? And, of course, the other side of the coin, do
you have a sense that your partner is always looking down on you?
Putting you down? Putting you down in front of friends and family?

So
the next time you have something really important to discuss with your
partner, stand on a stool, a chair, a stair, something to bring you
physically in line, in eye level with your partner. You can watch your
partner’s face. He or she will not like the equality that suddenly
exists in the relationship. As uncomfortable as you might be with the
equality, you will definitely like it!

Sometimes, the parent-child elements in the relationship are magnified by one partner being physically bigger. It is amazing what happens when I have the smaller partner stand on a chair or stool. Often, that actually brings the two partners together at eye level, sometimes for the first time in their relationship. Sometimes, it puts the smaller partner towering above the taller partner. An immediate fear comes over the face of the taller partner as he (most often) is now looking up at his partner for the first time....

Even when there is no obvious size differential, there may still be an unconscious agreement that one partner will look up to or down on the other partner. This unconscious agreement can be based on one’s history or cultural or religious beliefs about marriage. The chair exercise helps in these situations, as well, to bring those unconscious agreements into consciousness.....

This simple exercise with the chair or stool really makes the point very quickly and gives the partners a concrete image and experience upon which to redefine their relationship as two adults. Try it out. By the way, the chair exercise is a good way to FEEL in your body, what it is like to be both Unequal and EQUAL in a relationship. (Pages 32, 33)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Father’s Day can be one of those special days filled with special moments. As Dads, we may automatically assume it is a day the Love of our life is going to make love to us, but it may also be a day when she thinks of all the ways you have not been a father! OMG! Yes, give you a break, you say, but I’m just being real here and as men, we gotta be real!

And yes, Sarah. You are so correct. Abraham is an old fart, smokes way too much hashish, sits around under palm trees all day long and hears voices which he claims to be God even to the point of telling you, you will conceive a son in your old age. “Hell, no,” you shout! But take pity on poor ol’ Abe and give him a little, for crying out loud.

Okay, don’t read this blog ever again. Hey, I wasn’t posting this blog on Mother’s Day! But I will write something on your behalf next year!

Well, here is the bottom line, Dad. You want this to be a special day? Should have been planning for it to be special about a month ago! Too late? Not really, but begin by giving more than you are expecting. Maybe you might enjoy getting up a little early, get the coffee going, and cook breakfast for everyone. How about that?

Be extra kind ALL DAY to everyone. Be solicitous, affectionate, non demanding, no groping. No, you don’t have to mow the lawn. But maybe take her to a chic flick in the afternoon! And NOTICE ALL the little ways she makes love to you all day today even though you have been a jerk lately!

Come on, stop whining. Hey, you wanna get some tonight? Then do what I tell ya!

Tomorrow, get together with your Love and talk about how special today was and still is in your memories. Then ANCHOR this special moment so you can replay this special moment when you seem to be drowning in one of those hopeless moments.

Still don’t get it? Read Chapter Seventeen, Anchor Those Special Moments. And Chapter Seventeen will show you how to anchor.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Not talking to each other? Playing the distance game, very distant? So how do we get back?

If you did some serious sh*t to each other, well, that’s another story. That might require marital surgery!

BUT most of the time, it's just little sh*t that becomes really annoying and hurtful. So annoying and so hurtful that it’s like a fire and when the fire is too hot, of course, we move away. We sleep on the outer mattress ridge. How do we do that? Total and Absolute Definance of gravity especially when many of us are carrying around a few extra pounds! We say more to the dog than we do to each other. We slam a few doors and make lots of sighing sounds.

So here is a simple exercise to get BACK into the dance with each other. Sit on the floor BACK TO BACK and sit there for awhile or for as long as you desire. BUT try to stay for awhile. See what it feels like to have each other’s back. Keep doing this each day, keep coming back, till you find a path (and you will) to go front to front! This exercise may seem hokey to you especially if you get exquisite pleasure at being distant and even more pleasure out of the pain you see on the other person's face.

But get into the Nike thing. Just do it. Love is a decision and this can be one of those decisions. Don't be a cat about it. Don't be a Puss! When you are, you look as ridiculous as a fat cat!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

So you are looking for a partner? From The Frying Pan To The Jacuzzi: Gourmet Recipes For A Gourmet Relationship is a good read for you. It is packed full of information from a wide variety of perspectives including psychological, spiritual, and even neurobiological. The initial chapters describe the various kinds of relationships including the ones made in heaven and the ones made in dot.com heaven.

The book is fun and easy to read and provides you a good measure of your personal and relational strengths and limitations thus far in your life. The book will give you the assessment tools necessary to take a close-up look at who you are as an individual and who you become as a partner. The book will also help you determine whether or not you behave as an all-growed up person in relationships or persist in being a kid.

Be open to all the book has to offer you. Being without a partner is a good time for you to take down your defenses with yourself and learn as much as you can about YOU.

The bottom line is not to find the right person, but for you to be the right person.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I have a suggestion. Well, no, a recommendation for when you fight. Move close together. Hold hands even. Yes, it is unnerving.

If you think there is a threat of physical violence, then by all means, stay far apart, and really take a look at why you are even remaining in the relationship. Domestic violence does not have to be one of those dirty little secrets. You just need to be honest with each other and all of your close friends and family members. Do not connive with each other to keep it a secret. If there is any hope, the sooner you get the violence out in the open, the better chance of your relationship getting the healing it deserves. All relationships have their dirty little secrets. The less a secret the dirty little secret is, the less power it has over your relationship. Do not hold secrets FOR ANY REASON.

So back to fighting. When you fight, remain engaged. Keep eye contact. Stay focused on the issue at hand. When there are feelings and needs getting expressed, catch yourselves when you try to shift the focus from your feelings and needs to some criticism of each other or whose way of making the bed, doing the dishes, keeping the garage clean is the best. We do that kind of weird sh*t, don’t we?

When you fight, above all else, END THE FIGHT. Too many fights never end. You make a temporary truce and start again at a later date. NO GOOD. OINK OINK OINK. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. End the fight. If need be, ask the question, “Did we end the fight?”

If the answer is No, the fight is not over, then you want to talk and talk fast, so to speak, to move the conflict to a place where it is over. Come to some agreement with each other. You ARE intelligent enough to do this. Come to some agreement about what it means that a fight has ended. And once it is ended, you cannot go back. The fight is over. No temporary truce, no demilitarized zones. The fight is over.

And if you cannot let a fight be over, wow, there is some good stuff for therapy. Make an appointment NOW!

Get your personal copy at AMAZON or BARNES & NOBLE. If you like the book, tell others how it helped you, please, and write a review on Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Also leave a comment here or on FACEBOOK. THANKS FOR READING AND COMMENTING.

So, you are having a bad day. Who's to blame? And who's going to get the blame?

Well, how about no one or perhaps no one for a change?

Do I have people in my life whom I can call when I'm having a bad day or a bad moment? And if the answer is yes, do I tell these folks what I need from them when I call? So if I'm NOT looking for a solution for all my stupid decisions today, can I tell them, "Hey, I just want to vent. No advice. No need to point out anything to me at all. Just feel sorry for me."

Let's say you are really down in the dumps. Can you tell the person before you start whining, "Hey, look, I am thinking about killing myself....I am thinking about shooting my husband....I'm thinking about getting drunk and starting a fight with anyone....Hey, I'm thinking about suicide by cop, but I beg you do NOT call the paramedics, the SWAT team, my psychiatrist, my family, just let me do it and take whomever else I might take with me."

And if you get this far in the conversation, can you dispense with the whining about how bad your life is?

So when you are having a bad day, can you just be totally honest with yourself and with everyone else? You got yourself in a fix and don't know how to get out of it. Can you get past all the woes are me, have woes will travel? Can you just tell us what you need? You know, to be held, a hug, a kiss, sex, chocolate ice cream, a pat on the back or the ass? Responding to those needs is so much easier, less costly, and less messy, and generally doable compared to picking up the pieces after you do yourself in, so much easier to give than to have to listen to your whining and your incredible belief that somehow your life is any worse than anyone else's,

Does all this sound a little novel? Well check out Chapter Seven in the Book: "Know That Blaming Is A Way Out."

Need a book? It's on AMAZON and BARNES & NOBLE and at the Paperback Exchange in Yucaipa on California Street just south of Yucaipa Boulevard. You can also purchase the book at the office.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

I have a friend who is in a new relationship, and he tells me that he and his newfound love laugh and laugh and laugh hysterically all the time. He reassures me they have their serious moments, but their relationship is characterized by laughter and having fun together. He is 68 and she 66. Isn’t that awesome?

In the past year, I presented a laughter workshop to a group of staff who work together at a treatment center. The photo is the way I dressed for that day! YES!

What did we do all day? We laughed. We laughed our asses off and by 2:30 in the afternoon, no one could stand up straight from being bent over and laughing so much. We danced, had a best joke contest, and participated in a zillion laughter games and laughter exercises, and we performed stupid and obvious magic tricks.

What are laughing exercises or a laughter workshop? Check out YOU TUBE for a first hand see. This link is just one exampple. Search for laughter workshops or laughter exercises to see lots of examples. If you are not laughing after looking at these samples, you gotta a big problem!!

I told the CEO of this organization that he was wasting his money if he was to give the subtle or not so message that he wanted his staff to attend this workshop and get it out of their system, so to speak, and then get back to the job the following day and get down to business. The workshop would only be beneficial if the CEO understood that he and the organization, as well as the clients served, needed the staff to bring the laughter and the light-heartedness back to the treatment center.

What each of us found that day, including myself as the presenter, and the CEO, is that laughter is a powerfully healing and a powerful leveling experience. We all laughed and quickly discovered that no one was any better or any smarter or any higher up the IQ chain than anyone else. The staff realized that they were each and all at the treatment center to do their best and it would serve them and the clients well to stop taking themselves so so seriously. Ah yes, Rule number six.

What we have just talked about applies equally to our relationship with our special person.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

We can intentionally or even unintentionally hurt each other only slightly, but get so stuck in that “slight” hurt that it festers into an absolutely awful infection and can end up destroying the relationship. The festering pain is way beyond the original “slight” pain.

On the other hand, I have seen couples who have hurt each other far beyond what is acceptable, yet they each had a desire from some place inside their souls to experience healing and forgiveness and they did.

Chances are we are going to hurt each other in our relationship. Regardless of whether it is a little or big hurt, the question is, can we heal? Will we be willing to heal each other? Will we be willing to ask or beg for forgiveness and will we be willing to forgive? Will we eventually be able to let it go?

These are critical questions and Chapter Nineteen, “Rituals For Healing And Forgiveness” addresses these questions.

Some of what is in Chapter Nineteen is based upon a wonderful old book by George Bach and Harold Goldberg called CREATIVE AGGRESSION. This link is to Amazon and there are a variety of editions available. I recommend the edition from the late 60's. It is an interesting and fun book to read and offers very specific and concrete exercises for appropriate expression of anger in a relationship as well as rituals for healing hurt.

There is also an excellent program, called Retrouvaille, for couples who have either ended their relationship or are on the verge of ending their relationship because the pain and the hurt in the relationship is so intense that it has become impossible for them to sustain any kind of healthy life together.

What is unique about this program is that it was developed by couples, as mentioned above, who had hurt each other deeply but valued their relationship enough to want to heal the relationship.

Pain, hurt, resentments, all inevitable experiences even in a good relationship. Many of us never saw our parents working through hurt. Some of our parents divorced. Some stayed together but didn’t really live, but only survived. So most of us have little to draw from in terms of first hand experience when it comes to healing and forgiveness.

If you have a question or comment about healing and forgiveness, post it here or on the Facebook page.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Do I marry or enter into relationships with someone or people like myself or folks who are different and how different?

I don’t think it matters. What does matter is that you really know who you are and what makes you tick and really know who the other person is and what makes them tick. And then you have to decide.
The OTHER can be exactly like you, but then there may not be room in the relationship for two people the same! If you are both spenders, for example, you will bankrupt yourselves in a heart beat even a love heartbeat!

If one of you is a neatnik and the other a slob, you can either compliment each other or have on going wars over the cleanliness of the bedroom or the bathroom. I mean WAR, dirty, nasty, homicidal war!

HERE'S THE RELEVANT QUESTION. Do you love each other and are you willing to go the distance regardless of your similarities or differences? Are you willing to work with this other person, work to create a life giving relationship for each other? Are you both willing to do the hokey things like when you wake up in the morning, turn toward each other and ask, “Will you marry me today?” and unequivocally answer yes to each other EVERY day no matter how you are feeling.

Differences or similarities are irrelevant if you are not able to look at each other each morning and commit and bring life and joy to each other in that commitment.

Want some support in going the distance. The entire book is available to you on AMAZON or if you are a B & N fan BARNES & NOBLE.

If you live in Yucaipa, the book is available at the Paperback Exchange on California Street just south of Yucaipa Blvd or stop by the office.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

So the bottom line is simple. Tarzan and Jane are different. People in general are different. At times, we speak different languages. Not just a different verbal language, but a different emotional language as well.

So the Jane says “Tarzan, I have something I want to share with you.” She begins to tell Tarzan about an awful situation. Tarzan immediately tunes into his protector and problem solver mode. So he is going to fix it by punching out the kid or person or Orangutan who disrespected her. Or give her a lesson or two about swinging too fast through the trees. Oh, and of course, tell her to quit crying over spilled coconut milk. Tarzan, like many men become suicidal occasionally, and if he’s not conscious of that, he will be surprised when Jane tries to kill him.

But the responsibility also rests with Jane because maybe she can learn that Tarzan is not going to listen like her girlfriends do unless she and Tarzan talk about this and work at it for awhile.

When Jane wears a sexy dress with her boobs hanging out, of course Tarzan thinks she wants to have sex all day, and she thought she was just being a little stylish and a little out there. He thinks a LOT out there. He can’t figure out why she is upset with him groping her all day, and she can’t figure out why he won’t stop and why he treats her like a sex object.

But the responsibility also rest with Tarzan because this has been going on for years. He’s got to know that he is having a HARD time getting the correct message, if there is one. So maybe it’s time for him to start a conversation and don’t say, as a guy, I don’t start conversations with women. Of course, you don’t and that’s why you’re reading this blog or not! Initiate a conversation for crying out loud. “Hey, Jane, so when you dress all sexy like that, what do you want from me and what don’t you want from me? I really don’t want to treat you like a sex object. I just love ya when you dress sexy. It turns me on. It makes me want to fly in the air and all over you.”

Jane and Tarzan’s emotions are not communicating because they are speaking a different emotional language. So once again, we are different. But at age 86, Jane might be thrilled he is groping her boobs or on the other hand, if she and Tarzan never address these differences, she might wonder what the hell is wrong with him and when will he fall out of a tree and die!

At age eighty six, Tarzan might be really happy just to listen because he is tired of being King of the Jungle and Mr. Fixit. He might even be able to get away with dozing off while Jane is talking because it will appear he is listening. He just can’t snore! On on the other hand, if Tarzan never addresses these differences, he will stupidly say something like, “Jane, you’re going to your grave never having learned!” And then he will find himself in the grave. You know, poison in his morning coconut milk or coffee or evening Jungle scotch!

But why wait till you are too tired to care anymore? Or why wait till you kill each other? Let’s begin working today at understanding each other’s emotional language. And remember rule number six, don’t take it all so personally!

About Me

I am 71, able to walk four miles in an hour, and am learning the wisdom of doing less distance and more stretching! I am a product of the Great Depression. Scarcity is my best friend. Abundance is a new friend whom I'm getting to know better and better. I studied to be a priest and still hope to live long enough for priests to be married and OLD! My most recent book, From The Frying Pan To The Jacuzzi, Gourmet Recipes For A Gourmet Relationship. Find it on Amazon.