"As we approach the King, Sergeant Pepper kneels down and announces who he is. I don't exactly know why he does that, since he's already established that he and King Albert are buds from way back when. Whoops, game designers."
-Kelly,
Legend of Dragoon Part 4

I’m pretty sure I already used that title for one of my LJ posts way back when, but cut me some slack here — you have to admit it’s fitting.

The other day I finished the Japanese version of Gyakuten Saiban 4, known to the English-speaking world by the not at all gay name of Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney. I bought the limited edition of the game when it came out last April in Japan, and played through the first day of the fourth case before I stopped. Since the English version is coming out here in the states in February, I decided I’d pick it up again and finish it before then.

I considered glossing over the reason why I stopped playing it, in the interest of maintaining some of my personal dignity. But I can’t lie to you guys, especially not when it gives you the the perfect chance for a laugh at my expense. Your humor, after all, is more important than my emotional well-being. You see, I got to a point where it was too emotionally depressing for me to continue.

There, I said it. I got depressed over a video game. I suppose that’s somewhat understandable — as a 12-year-old boy, my emotions are not fully developed and I get upset easily.

(Behind the cut, no major plot spoilers, but if you don’t want to know anything about the game, you’ll probably want to skip this.)

Seriously, there were some parts where I was fully expecting Phoenix to somehow obtain a helpless puppy at any moment, just so it could be brutally slaughtered. Fucking game designers.

But you guys aren’t here to read about my hardened recapper’s heart melting into a pathetic puddle over a fictional gay lawyer. No, you guys are here because you want to know the answer to the following very important question: is the game gay?

Rest assured, the answer is yes. It is gay. Very fucking gay. Look at it this way — the straightest guy in the game wears a pink magician’s outfit. Do you believe me now?

Among the highlights:

A main character prone to gay hero worship

An Oscar-Wilde-gay mentor

A gay rock star prosecutor

A gay college student who has an obsession with women’s underwear

A gay guy with penis hair who wears a skintight jumpsuit

A gay magician with girl hair who twirls and thrusts a pink rod toward the screen

Phoenix

Just from that information, you know this game is a winner. Plus, it has Ema Skye. Ema! I love Ema!

Okay, that’s enough shameless personal plugs for now.

I am very much looking forward to the obligatory gay innuendo in the English version and giggling over it with all you loyal readers of VGR.

I think that satin case is the most fabulously fabulous thing I have seen in quite some time. It looks like it wants to mate with Carson Kressley over a bottle of cognac in the back of some outrageously big SUV driving down Rodeo Drive.

“I think that satin case is the most fabulously fabulous thing I have seen in quite some time. It looks like it wants to mate with Carson Kressley over a bottle of cognac in the back of some outrageously big SUV driving down Rodeo Drive.”

Hee!

“The cover in the top image makes Apollo look like a glory hole with a pointing finger attached.”