All I can say is that in the beginning , he told me it's a game . I was so young back then , I didn't know better . I said yes and he showed me different ''ways'' to play that game and if I do it properly , he'll buy me chocolates and stuff . Then , we went on to do it for over a year before he stopped (when he started going out with his first girlfriend ) . For many years , I felt ashamed of myself ; thinking why did I actually have pleasure during the act . But then I finally understand that he stimulated my genitals = I cannot not had felt any pleasure ,it's like normal when someone touches your genitals BUT that doesn't mean what he did was right considering he's my step-brother and that I said no many times . He forced me to give him orals and make him **** anal many times . I remember at some point I'd say no and cry , or simply pretend that I'm ''tired'' and wanna go to sleep earlier ... His reaction ? ''WHY ARE U ALWAYS TIRED '' ***PUNCHING WALLS , PUSHING ME AWAY ***.
I'd eventually let him do whatever he wants as a way to not ''lose my brother '' .
I still carry that disgusting feeling nowadays . I can't really get intimate with my partner without thinking about it , and that has repercussions on our relationship too .