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01. January 2014

AFFORDABLE CARE ACT FILES SUIT IN ITS OWN NAME AGAINST LITTLE SISTERS OF THE POOR

NEW YORK — Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor has dropped the ball, provoking a first of its kind lawsuit, filed earlier today in federal court in Denver.

Shortly before leading the sixty-second countdown and pushing the button that dropped the famed Waterford Crystal Ball here in Times Square, all for the purpose of reminding anyone who was asleep
at the time that we have begun a New Year, the Bronx- born Sotomayor, a Roman Catholic, granted a temporary injunction sought by the Little Sisters of the Poor of Denver. The Little Sisters
object to provisions in the Affordable Care Act which require the provision of contraceptives to employees of religious organizations. Justice Sotomayor granted the injunction and ordered
Attorney General Eric Holder to explain to her by Friday whether the AFA is constitutional.

The Justice was joined in the New Year celebration by singer Miley Cyrus, after whom all Al Qaeda fighters secretly lust, and over one million revelers who braved subzero temperatures for the
annual event.

Many of the revelers, however, were extremely disappointed that Cyrus did not herself jump on the Waterford Crystal Ball, having viewed too many times to mention Cyrus’ YouTube video, “Wrecking
Ball."

As soon as he was informed about the injunction issued by Sotomayor, Holder flew to Denver and personally filed, at 3 AM today, a countersuit against the Little Sisters, styled Affordable Care
Act Versus Little Sisters of the Poor of Denver.

Asked why the Affordable Care Act was permitted to file suit under its own name, Denver Federal District Court Clerk Jeffrey Colwell told a very persistent solitary reporter, “As the Supreme
Court has ruled, corporations are people; therefore, anything, including a lawsuit, can be a person; therefore, we have allowed the lawsuit to be filed, just like that.”

When the solitary reporter asked Holder why it was necessary for him to leave his home in Washington solely for the purpose of filing a lawsuit with an interesting name, Holder replied, “You
don’t get it, SR, do you? We are being assailed on all sides, and now the Little Sisters, who care for the elderly and for the elderly indigent at the Mullen Home in West Denver, want to
dismantle the entire Affordable Care Act, which was designed to make health care affordable to the very same poor people whom the dear Sisters help."

"We are delighted that the Supreme Court has issued this order protecting the Little Sisters," Mark Rienzi, senior counsel for the Becket Fund for Religious Liberty, which sought the injunction,
said in a news release. Rienzi continued, "The government has lots of ways to deliver contraceptives to people — it doesn't need to force nuns to participate."

Denver Archbishop Samuel Aquila, after secretly watching Cyrus’ YouTube performance on the wrecking ball, tweeted Sotomayor, saying “I appreciate what you did for the Little Sisters, Sonia, but
you know, I think Molly Cyrus should be using contraceptives — just don’t tell the Pope I said that."

The Reverend Alethea Smith-Withers, Pastor of the Pavilion of God (Southern Baptist) in Washington, DC, and Board Chair of The Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice, agreed that Cyrus
should definitely use contraceptives. Rev. Smith-Withers also said that it is her understanding that the Affordable Care Act was not intended to force nuns to use contraceptives.