Friends talked about music, current events, sports, business, and other men.

Both groups talked about personal appearance, sex, and dating.

Gossiped about close friends and family

Gossiped about sports figures and media personalities.

Emphasize feelings, relationships and personal problems

Emphasize making conversations fun by joking and good-natured teasing

Talk is the essence of relationships. Empathy is important, "to know your not alone." Said conversations were something they needed

Said conversations were something they liked but not what they needed. Enjoy the humor and rapid pace of conversations. . Regard talk as a game. Liked to learn new ways to solve problems.

Use statements to show support, demonstrate equality, and try to keep the conversation going. Many statements of sympathy and empathy. "The same thing happened to me!" "How did you feel about that?"

Use statements to accomplish the job at hand. Use conversation to exert control, preserve their independence, and enhance their status. Men offer advice rather tan share experiences. "That's nothing to

Powerless statements, "This is just my opinion..."

More direct. "Here's what I think.

50% of women surveyed said they called friends at least once a week just to talk

Less than half of the men said they called friends to chat.

40% of the men said they never called another man just to chat.

Girls use talk to maintain harmony.

Boys use talk to assert control

Ages 2-5 Girls were more cooperative then boys. Uses words like "Let's" Such as "Let's go find" or "Let's turn back."

Ages 2-5 boys gave orders. "Lie down" and "Give me your arm."

Women ask more questions in mixed sex conversations than do men--nearly three times as many

Men swear more than women

Interrupt to lend support

(other research says that Men interrupt to change or dominate conversations and women interrupt to lend support or finish sentences and thus they interrupt with equal frequency but differently)

Men interrupt women more. Interrupt to change or dominate conversation.

Exhaustive research has shown that sex differences in communication are so minor that men and women's communication are about 99% similar and only 1% different. Of course this 1% can be powerful as in the case of the masculine acting woman or the feminine acting man.

Monica Moore spend hundreds of hours observing women and men courting one another. Moore discovered that the women most commonly makes the initial decision about whether to encourage contact by nonverbally signaling her interest to a man.

From Looking Out Looking In by Adler and Towne

Variables in Conflict Styles

Gender

Preschool to early adolescence studies have shown

Boys try to get their way by ordering one another around: "Lie down"

Girls are more likely to make proposals for actions:"Let's go ask her."

Boys tell each other what role to take in pretend: "Come on, be the doctor."

Girls ask what role each other wants: "Will you be the patient for a few minutes."

Boys make demands without offering an explanation: "Look man, I want wire cutters right now."

Female students descried men as being concerned with power and more interested in content than relational issues.

Phrases used to describe male conflict styles included: "The most important thing to males in conflict is their egos.""Men don't worry about feelings." "Men are more direct"

Women were described as being more concerned with maintaining the relationship during a conflict.

Phrases used to describe female conflict styles included: "Women are better listeners." "Women try to solve problems without controlling the other person." "Females are more concerned with other's feelings."

When the actual conflict behaviors of both sexes are observed, women turn out to be more assertive than men about expressing their ideas and feelings, and men are more likely to withdraw from discussion issues.

When men communicate with women they become less aggressive and more cooperative than they are in all male groups,.

Both men and women appear less tolerant of assertive behavior when it comes form a woman.

Most theorists say the primary reason for differences in conflict style is socialization.

Research has demonstrated that there are some small measurable differences. Although men and women have characteristically different conflict styles, the individual style or the communicator and the nature of the relationship are more important than gender in shaping the way he or she handles conflict.

From Looking Out Looking In by Adler and Towne

Masculine and Feminine Intimacy Styles.

Who does the most sharing of thoughts and feelings?

At every age, women disclose more than men.

Female-female relationships followed by Male-Female relationship then Male-male relationship

Both sexes reveal negative information, men are less likely to reveal positive emotions.

Women grow closer by personal talk

Men grow closer by doing thing.

75% of men surveyed said their most meaningful experienced with friends came through shared activities rather than talking.

Men regarded practical help as a measure of caring.

For men, a friend is a person who does things for you and with you.

Fathers tend to show affection to sons through doing favors and helping sons with tasks and challenges.

From Looking Out Looking In by Adler and Towne

Gender and Language

According to Deborah Tannen-Sociolinguist

Feminine Talk

Masculine Talk

Rapport Talk

Report Talk

Language that leads to intimacy

Goal is to maintain status

Language to establish relationships

Goal to demonstrate knowledge, skill

Matching Communication

1- Up Communication

Wants to talk about problems

Talks about fixing problems

Use more personal pronouns

Interrupt more

Make requests: "Would you please write this down."

Give directives "Write this down"

"You Should" "Why don't you"

Use more questions: Uses questions to include others

Asks questions to gain information

Use more justifies "I say this because"

Uses powerful language

Gossips about friends and family

Gossips about political and sports figures and powerful people

Use more intensive adjectives: Really, very

Treat communication as a contest

Soften Language "Let's"

Interrupts more

Doesn't commit to topics unless certain

Speaks as an authority

Uses empty adj. "cute, nice"

Talks about relationships and feelings

Talks about doing things or how to get things done

Talks about people

Talks about business and news

Uses hedges, "sort of" " I guess"

In class, more comfortable working in small groups

In class, welcomes arguments and challenges

In class, offers personal anecdotes

Rejects anecdotal information as unimportant

Women tend to collect facts about family & friends and men tend to collect data on famous people--political and sports figures

"The Male zone is a periodic mental blank spot that men move into without warning. During the "zone," there appears to be very little, is any brain activity. For a brief period, conscious thought ceases. (83) The woman, being a woman, has to ask this question: "What were you thinking about?" The man, being a man, with all sincerity has to respond: "Nothing." The woman can't believe it. "What do you mean, nothing?" She can't conceive of going lank and having nothing on her mind. It's never happened to her. She's convinced he's lying. He had to be thinking something?" (84)

Women Wing It, Men Mull Over It

"Women process as they talk. They make connections and figure out their reactions as they go...Very often, a woman will start a conversation this way: "I don't know how I feel, but..." She'll pull the whole thing together somehow. Of course, the man is thinking: "Well, if you don't know, be quiet. Let me know when you've figured it all out." He wants the short condensed version, not the long, drawn out one. " (88)

Men Must Ride The Train

"Men do their processing internally. It's a big secret. Before a man will share verbally what's inside, he'll go through a series of steps. A man won't wing it...No way, he'll go through his painstaking mental inventory every time. He has to--he's a man. He won't blurt something out that might embarrass him." (90)

"You can't expect a man to spontaneously share what's inside. You have a right to expect him to share personally with you. Without mutual sharing, your relationship can't be deep and intimate. What I'm saying is you have to let him do his personal sharing his way." (96)

It is best to announce an important decision making talk and then let the man "ride the train" and think about the information and then come back together and talk about the topic and let the woman "wing it. "

How To Make A Great Conversation

"Here's the deal the two of you make, The woman allows the man his time and space to process. She realizes his need for the train and lets him board without resistance. The man agrees to find out what's inside, come back to the woman, and initiate the talk." (115)

Men are Always Right

"A man has a one-track mind. I'm referring to a man's tendency to believe that he has truth in every situation in life. He as thought about the situation. He has considered all the options. He has objectively applied his logic. He has carefully processed the available facts. Therefore, it follows that his conclusion is the best conclusion. His way is the best way. He is right and you, the woman are wrong." (173)

"A woman, by nature, has a two-tracked mind. She can consider, not just her version of a situation, but also the man's version. She can accept what he is saying and try to somehow reconcile his truth and her truth...When a woman tries to share her view and her feelings about the situation, he's offended. You see her view isn't necessary. He's already delivered the one true view. Can't she see that?" (174)

The Logical Man

"Men primary operate logically. Our first reaction to most situations is logical." "Give me the facts..".It is an impersonal, objective, intellectual reaction....Men do have an emotional reaction, but it is secondary." (144)

"We (men) hate--absolutely hate--situation in which we feel our of control and that's the main problem we have with emotion. For us, emotion is being out of control " (164)

The Emotional Woman

"Women primarily operate...guess how? Emotionally. A woman's first reaction to most situations is emotional" I'm angry, I'm upset and I don't know yet, I'm sensing, I'm going by feel. It is a personal, more subjective, gut-level reaction. A woman automatically attaches herself to a situation and reacts emotionally to every detail in that situation...She does have a logical reaction, but it is secondary. She can be just as logical as the man, but she won't happen until later in the conversation.

"For most men, "facts" are a major part of conversation. For example, when Norma would meet me at the door, she'd often say, "Can we talk tonight?" My first response was always, "About what?" Like detective Joe Friday most men want their wives to "Give me the facts Ma'am, just the facts." Indeed, when the average male runs our of facts, he'll stop talking. (Gary Smalley)

From Men are Clams: Women are Crowbars by David Clarke, Ph.D.

Gender connection--

Michael Schwalbe and Clifford Staples found

men and women form self concept different

Males

Females

social comparisons are the most important

reflected appraisals are the most important

value reflected appraisals of parents

value reflected appraisal of friends

self confidence comes from achievement

self confidence from attachment

Men-- value reflected appraisals of parents

From Communicating Effectively by Hybels and Weaver

Gender and Leadership Bias

It is apparent that in professional America that there is an invisible barrier of subtle discrimination that excludes women from top jobs. This concept is referred to as a glass ceiling.

According to a report in 1999 by NBC Nightly News

Only 3 women were CEO's of Fortune 500 companies

Only 7 women were CEO's of Fortune 1000 companies

Only 5% of senior management (Vice president or higher) positions are filled by women.

Only 2.7% of top income earners are women.

On the positive side

The ratio of female to make knowledge workers (engineers, technicians, scientists, professionals, and senior mangers) is almost one to one.

Twenty five years ago fewer than 4% of MBA degrees went to women, now more than one third of all MA's are earned by women.

Almost half 44% of all managers in the US are women

Half of all the law students in the country are women.

40% of all the MD degrees are earned by women as opposed to 6% in 1960.

22% of legislator were women

28% of state executive officials were women.

On the Negative side

Women earn almost half of all the Doctoral degrees however only one quarter of tenured faculty are women.

On average women earn 74 cents for every dollar men earn.

How do we combat this gender-ethnicity bias in emergent leadership in groups?

Twenty percent rule--At least 20% and no fewer than 2 minorities or women

As the number of women and minorities increase in a group, the likelihood that woman or a minority will emerge as leader also increases.

If group members are allowed to mingle, interact, and work on a project before determining a leader the decision is more likely to be made on the basis of individual performance rather than gender.

Engaging in task-relevant communication behavior is a key to emerging as leader of a small task-oriented group.

If women and minorities are among the first to speak in the group they speak fairly frequently.

Leadership chances increase for women and minorities if they hone their communication skills and abilities.

From In Mixed Company by J. Dan Rothwell

Gender/Ethnicity and Group Development

In mixed sex groups, men are normatively assumed to be the task experts whereas women are assumed to be the relationship experts.

This norm emphasizes a lower status role for women (keeping the peace) and a higher status role for males (decisions making)

The 20 Percent Rule

Researchers have observed that discrimination against minorities (and presumably women) drops substantially when no less than 20 percent and no fewer than two members are from a minority

From In Mixed Company by J. Dan Rothwell

Man

Woman

Man normally has a higher basal metabolism. He is turning on the air conditioner when she is wrapped in a blanket

Woman has a lower basal metabolism. She stands higher temperatures but is cold more easily.

Man has a smaller stomach, kidneys, liver, and appendix, and larger lungs. In brute strength, men are 50% above women.

Men's brains are specialized--the left side of the brain tends to handle verbal tasks and the right side handles spatial tasks.

The connecting tissue in a women's brain is thicker, allowing for faster crossover of information.

Men are attentive to things and are more likely to be distracted by novel objects.

Women are better at perceiving subliminal messages and better at remembering details.

Men have difficulties communicating sadness

Women have a hard time expressing anger.

From Communicate by Communication Research Associates Sixth edition pg. 223.

Different Languages

(Tannen 1992/ Gray 1992)

Men...

Women...

Talk about sports, money, facts, business, and events.

Talk about feelings, relationships, people, and psychological states

Uses commands to get what they want.

Use requests.

Use and respond to actions more than words in communicating.

Rely on and respond to words in communicating

Communicate to persuade, argue, control, or impress.

Communicate to share, inform, or support.

Language is factual and action oriented

Language is emotional and evaluative.

Emphasizes talking rather than listening in conversations

Emphasizes listening and sharing in conversations

Uses pauses in conversation for emphasis

Use "intensifiers" like really,terrifically, tremendously, for emphasis

Speak mostly in monotone

Use a variety of tones of voice to convey emotion and meaning

Express feeling indirectly

Verbalize feelings directly

Speak authoritatively regardless of subject.

Speak in tentative terms

From Becoming Aware by Velma Walker and Lynn Brokaw

Gender and Self Disclosure

Women

tend to have more friends and closer relationships then men\

are more open and willing to disclose than a man

say to men 'let's talk"

Parents tend to disclose more to daughters than to sons

Males

are socialized not to disclose and so build up more tension and anxiety in their daily lives and are more likely to experience stress related problems

tend to disclose mre to strangers than females do and are more willing to disclose superficial things about themselves such as work, accomplishments, attitudes, and opinions

are less intimate and less personal

are expected not to disclose, it's not "manly"

are socialized to compete and sharing private information can seem to be incompatible with wining.

communicate with women by telling them what to do and giving directions

From Becoming Aware by Velma Walker and Lynn Brokaw

What do men and women do to attract the opposite sex?

Ten actions that women performed more than men:

Went on a diet to improve figure

Kept herself well groomed

Wore stylish, fashionable clothing

Used make-up to accentuate looks

Got a new interesting hairstyle

Laid out in the sun or went to a tanning booth

Smiles a lot at a man

Spent more than an hour on her appearance

Was sympathetic to a man's troubles

Wore perfume or cologne.

Ten actions that men performed more than women:

Told her things she wanted to hear

Talked about how good he was at sports

Bragged about his accomplishments

Mentioned that her expected to earn lots of money

Looked at a woman repeatedly.

Strutted in front of the group.

Bought a woman dinner at a nice restraraunt

Showed off his driving skills

Mentioned that he had a lot of status and prestige among his wok colleagues.

Talked openly about sex.

(Buss 1989)

From Becoming Aware by Velma Walker and Lynn Brokaw

Attributes Rated Most Attractive By Members of the Opposite Sex

Female Attributes

Displayed a good sense of humor

Kept herself well-groomed

Was sympathetic to his troubles

Showed good manners

Showered daily

Kept physically fit to create a healthy appearance

Made up jokes to make men laugh

Made and effort to spend a lot of time with him.

Wore stylish, fashionable clothes

Offered to help him.

Male Attributes

Displayed a good sense of humor

Was sympathetic to her troubles

Showed good manners

Kept himself well groomed

Made an effort to spend a lot of time with her

Offered to help her

Showered daily

Kept physically fit to create a healthy appearance

Exercises

Wore attractive outfits

(Buss 1989)

What Do Men and Women Want in a Love Relationship?

What men like

in order of importance

What women like

in order of importance

Taking walks together

Kissing

Candlelit dinners

Cuddling

Hugging

Flowers

Holding Hands

Making Love

Love letters

Sitting by the fireplace

Taking walks together

Flowers

Kissing

Candlelit dinners

Cuddling

Declaring "I love you"

Love letters

Slow dancing

Hugging

Giving surprise gifts

(Livermore 1993)

from Becoming Aware by Velma Walker and Lynn Brokaw

Gender and Relationships

Men

tend to think they are compatible with their partner before women do

Men are more likely to be "romantics"

Men are more inclined to believe in love at first sight and to regard true love as magical, impossible to explain or understand.

Women

are more likely to be pragmatists, believing that financial security is as important as passion in nourishing a close relationship and that there are many possible individuals that a person could learn to love.

tend to be more cautions than men before deciding to take the final step