I recently attended the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s movie (don’t judge me), and during the previews I saw a trailer that seemed like a parody of a movie you’d see in a digital short on Saturday Night Live. The movie was Dolphin Tale 2. Later I thought to myself, I shouldn’t be so cynical. I mean after all, it is just a kids’ movie. However, I later looked at Rotten Tomatoes and it said that 87% of people want to see it. Kids don’t vote on Rotten Tomatoes, which means actual adults want to see this incredibly cheesy movie. This is the trailer, and what was going through my head while watching it.

*For the best experience, I recommend watching the whole thing first. Enjoy.

0:00 to 0:15 – A dolphin spits in a kids face, and all of the main characters have a good laugh about it in separate shots. This includes two of the main characters laughing two separate times within five seconds of the last shot of them laughing together. This lets the audience know that being squirted in the face by a dolphin is funny.

0:15 to 0:20 – The dolphin and the lady both have missing pieces of them so they rely on each other for inspiration. I get it.

0:21 to 0:24 – “Your female bottlenose, Winter. She’s not doing well Clint.” – Ladies and gentleman, we have conflict.

0:25 to 0:27 – “No one’s allowed back here. Winter’s not feeling very well.” – This family just traveled across the country to see this incredible dolphin with a robotic tale in person and you’re telling them she’s not feeling well? This poor woman probably spent over $100 a ticket. You can at the very least let them have a glance at the cyborg dolphin.

0:28 to 0:35 – Morgan Freeman: “She ever come out?”

Guy that laughed earlier: “Not much. It’s hard to even coax her out to eat.

Morgan Freeman: “You ever try bacon?”

*Comedic pause*

Morgan Freeman: “Works with my cat” – Sadly, this is the best joke you’ll see in this entire movie. Someone decided to capitalize on our obsession with bacon so that this trailer would now relate to everyone who loves bacon personally.

0:35 to 0:41 – Dolphin mayor with weird time constraints: “Winter needs to be paired with another female and soon. I’m giving you 30 days to correct the problem.” – The first time I saw this I thought Winter was a dude dolphin and they were looking for a dolphin whore, so to speak, that would fulfill Winter’s bone (2010). Turns out it was just a female so there’s not even a dolphin love story in the movie. Also what happens at the end of 30 days? Do they just have to kill the dolphin and sell the meat to the Japanese?

0:43 to 0:48 – There are too many claims of movies being based on true events. If we don’t set up a system to monitor these truth based claims, the next Hobbit movie will state that it’s inspired by true events, because both midgets and swords exist.

0:49 to 0:55 – Why are there so many people around to aid in the transportation of a baby dolphin? Also the cheese factor boils over the crock pot when Connick Jr. asks the kid to be right beside him in what should be a very simple procedure.

0:56 to 0:59 – This scene reminds me of the opening of Jurassic Park when they are transferring the Velociraptor.

1:00 – Ashley Judd gives her only speaking role in the movie, “Aww.”

1:02 to 1:04 – Any chance of this movie being reasonable is lost in these two seconds of the trailer. The fact that there wasn’t water ready in a dolphin transport situation is insane. Also, that slow motion scene is possibly the worst use of slow motion since that guy from Louisville broke his leg in the March Madness tourney.

1:05 to 1:13 – They give the dolphin an incredibly original name.

1:14 to 1:21 – Girl with clever name idea: “Can we talk about pairing her with Winter?”

Slow Motion Dolphin Carrier Guy: “You can’t just throw two dolphins in the water together!” – I beg the differ. You can throw like a ton of dolphins in the water together. Dolphins live in the water.

1:22 to 1:27 – *Cue the wise janitor giving advice clip*

1:28 to 1:35 – Who decided that children should be in charge of the decision making at this multi-million dollar marine hospital?

1:36 to 1:37 – Pelican comedy

1:38 to 1:53 – Cue upbeat inspirational music montage with empowering words tossed in the mix.

1:54 to 2:00 – Kid in charge of marine hospital: “We don’t know for sure if dolphins feel friendship, but it feels like they do, and that’s not a bad thing.” – You couldn’t say more words that should mean something, without actually meaning anything at all.

2:00 to 2:07 – This leads me to believe that the ending of the movie is just letting one dolphin swim with another dolphin.

2:08 to 2:12 – More pelican humor

2:13 to 2:14 – Kid who makes all major hospital decisions swims with his dolphin.

2:16 to 2:26 – Links are provided to people who didn’t feel like they got the entire plot of the movie in that trailer and would like to see more.

If I see anyone going to this movie without a child, I’m calling Chris Hansen.

About Toby Davis...
Toby Davis has been alive since birth. Follow him on twitter for more laughs. Don't cost nothing.