Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Top 5 Burger Joints

1. Five Guys — I'm a huge fan of slop, which is why Wienerschnitzel almost made this list. If you order a Five Guys burger "all the way," they pile on the slop so high that you can barely hold the burger afterward. It's just a gelatinous mess. Meaning, perfection. The fries are also phenomenal. The choice between cajun fries and regular is as tough as Sophie's choice and Betty/Veronica.

2. Fatburger — This was my No. 1 throughout most of my life, until that trashy whore Five Guys lured me away. This place puts freakin' egg on a burger. I don't often order it that way, but it's really comforting to know I can have it that way if I please.

3. Freddy's — They're called "steakburgers," but are really just hamburger like everything else, as my scientific tests have concluded. Well, not like everyone else, because the patties alone taste better than almost all other chains. So good that the scragglemeat (my name for the crumbs that drop off onto the plate) is too fantastic to throw away. You need to either lick the plate or tip it toward your mouth and funnel it all in.

4. Culver's — The fries here are disgusting, leaving the burger to do all the heavy lifting. And that they do. Big, flavorful patties, crisp veggies and buns slopped up with luscious butter do the trick.

5. In-N-Out — In-N-Out is better than most ubiquitous chains — although Burger King and Carl's Jr. can hang — but nowhere near as good as the giants of the industry. At least they're cheap and relatively low-calorie.