…occasionally, even the Law gets wet!
Yea; its knotty business and Lawyers are a stiff crowd. But on this spot the ties droop a notch and the starch comes off the collars to allow some hilarity seep in. This weekly buffet will be freely served and the bar is all set with the right spirits. WARNING: Any minute, we may suddenly disappear from your screen without notice, locked up “at milord’s pleasure” for Contempt.

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Making a Legal Case for Married Women this Valentine (Part II of “Legal Arguments against Friday Beer”)

Credit: Google Images

The
days leading up to Valentine are very noisy. The hype never dies. But somehow,
I do not help feeling that there is some false note in all the excitement.
Beyond young innocents just being despoiled by the giddy jitters of first love; Valentine seems more like a
nervous, knee-jerk reaction by guilt-ridden couples scared of admitting that
they have either fallen out of love, or completely failed in their reciprocal
duties. It gets even worse for the Married;
the women especially.

Thus,
whenever I hear married women (or extended mono-dating single ones) talk
excitedly about Valentines; I wonder who is being deceived. Even though the
Social Media create such enviable scenarios that suggest a picturesque life,
one has to face the truth in the dourness of privacy. So, while the woman frantically
types away stuff like “Waiting for my
True Love’s usual surprise with bated breaths” with one hand; she
suppresses bitter sobs with the other, readying herself for another IAT (involuntary
alone time) on the 14th. Men are
natural predators, and will not waste their imagination on already conquered
trophies. They will bear their gifts and wines to unwilling, saucy young
lasses, and still feel rejuvenated by thoughts of favourably competing with these young boys. Of course, they do not
know how ridiculous they look; so their fun is untainted.

Instead
of carrying the cross with stoic cheeriness, maybe it is time for women to move
for stricter measures on these errant males. It is even worse than Friday Beer;
and deserves more punitive action. Given
the requisite legal platform; their draft-argument will run a bit like this:

Women
are a critical unit of every society. They proliferate humanity by their
exclusive gift of labour. Often, this Labour is activated by love-driven
exchanges; and thus literally becomes a labour
of love. In this sense, Valentine period should be dedicated to the
happiness and pleasures of committed females (as opposed to flighty,
psychedelic hangers-on).

The
progress of every household is determined by how well it applies its budget to
the necessary ingredients of Love (Please
Note that these ingredients extend to treats, trips and such other accessorial
expenses as may be in vogue). It shall be criminal for the male leadership of
the household to misappropriate same in nurturing trivial habits or conferring
same on another female who is not his wife
(or its mono-dating equivalent as mentioned above).

Thus,
there should be a Valentine Enforcement Team (VET) empowered to ensure strict
compliance of husbands and (long-time boyfriends) to the pleasures of the wife. It shall be an offence, a
misdemeanor, for a husband to fail to provide an assorted array of practical gifts for his partner on this
day. Therefore, such meaningless purchases as Rose Flowers, hand-written
love-letters, and cheap wine or chocolate shall not avail as a defence. These
are not adequate investments. Our investment in the peace of society must start
at the home, at the feet of the woman, precisely, and must be administered in
such heavy doses as to secure collateral harmony across households and the
society as a whole. Every married woman
shall be entitled to write a Valentines Wish-List and hide same under the
pillow of her partner. Children have Christmas for their wish-lists, Men have
every midnight for theirs; thus delineating a single day for the woman is not
asking too much. These Wish-lists are not to be deemed idle scribbles of
mythical origins. The VET shall insist on a minimum of seventy percent
compliance with the details enumerated therein. It shall also not avail in
defence that the man does not have the requisite funds to meet the items
indicated in the list. Banks and Financial institutions shall be encouraged as
a matter of policy, to provide loans at significantly reduced interest-rates
during the days leading up to Valentine.

Now,
while it is a misdemeanor to fail in the above; it becomes a more heinous
offence; a felony, for a husband to respond to any alternate Wish-lists outside
the marriage. This shall be a strict liability offence, and the sketchiest
suspicions of the wife shall sufficiently trigger an investigation and possible
arrests. Of course, it goes without saying that the penalties for conviction
are largely pecuniary. The desired objective is to make the relationship turn
out fine.

It
shall also not be an excuse that the woman has been a bad wife. The woman’s
role as a home-maker depends solely on her right to Free Speech. Thus, in
whatever manner she prefers to act, by nagging or fretting, she should be given
a platform to exercise this, and be fairly heard too (at least within a few
miles of the neighborhood).

The
VET shall wield wide powers to, well, vet random couples on a Valentine date.
Therefore, at their discretion, they may require instant evidence of marriage
or at least committed relationship of the couple. If the man fails to satisfy
that he is either a widower or a divorcee (with updated alimony records); he
shall go in for it. It shall also be inexcusable for a graying man to be engaged
with a much younger female who is not his daughter or niece. In situations as
this, the VET can effect arrest without warrant.

Our
current permissive Valentine environment impedes the healthy development of family
life and consequently corrupts our collective morals as a society. Defaulting
men shall be ordered to stay grounded, literally. He must not rise until the woman’s
every material whim is fully sated. Further, he would be obliged to pay for an
exclusive one-month holiday (inclusive of comprehensive vouchers covering
shopping, Spa and candle-lit dinners) for the aggrieved spouse. He shall also be
required to take up full-page coloured adverts on the leading Newspapers,
declaring his worshipful awe of his one and only wife. A picture of him swathed
in smiles will also be appended to the advert, acting as viable Encumbrance-Notice
to the whole world.

In
severe cases of default, the aggrieved woman may apply for the man’s Facebook
and Blackberry profiles to be audited. Every female contact shall be
investigated to reveal the true extents of their relationship. Only proven professional
colleagues and blood relations (not exceeding the first-cousin stratum) shall
remain. The rest will be expunged; after being notified on their Profile pages
that the man involved is married/committed. Any lady who is availed this
warning but continues nonetheless shall be docked as a disruptive element in the
synthesis of societal cohesion: a felony.

Notwithstanding
the above remedies; an aggrieved spouse shall still be entitled to demand that
the husband be quarantined. This quarantine
period is to ensure that there are no transferable health hazards picked up in
the course of his malfeasance. In the interim, the wife shall not suffer
neglect and may elect any alternate (uncommitted) male company to temporarily
carry out the expected activities of her partner for up to a minimum period of
six months. There shall be no obligation for this alternate companion to spend
from his pockets for this purpose. The interim arrangement shall be wholly
financed from the estate of the defaulting husband/partner.

This
is an avoidable nightmare. Chase it off with a few nice gifts; a few warm
texts; a good outing and a cozy night…in the legitimate arms of your committed
partner.

4 comments:

Massai has done it again!!! Bravo for this piece! Speaking on behalf of the female contingent, we welcome these initiatives. Most key, of course, are the following:The commissioning of the VET to accost errant men in the streets;The blackberry and facebook audit which I think is most ingenious; andThe introduction of the alternate. This is the cherry on top, if you ask me particularly due to the fact that the alternate's shenanigans with the aggrieved spouse is funded by the errant significant other during his mandatory quarantine period. What's not to love???In fact, in the next wave of cabinet reshuffles, I vote we strong-arm the President to name you Minister of Women Affairs!!!! You just get us!

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Chijioke Massai Okafor is an ICT /Electricity & Energy Attorney and doubles as a writer. His job as host is done if all this blog does is lull the guests to sleep. "But I vote we stay awake and have good laughs together"... well; your 'ayes' have it!