What's been causing that devastating bat disease? I have to be honest, I didn't even get past "devastating bat disease" in the headline of this story. Devastating bat disease? It has a ring to it, you know? "Devastating bat disease." Like it could be a baseball thing, but it's not.

If you're living in a poor nation, don't just go without a pacemaker; instead, take an old used pacemaker out of the body of some dead dude and put it all up in your own poor, creaky body. That sounds good.

Guess what the absolute filthiest surface that you can touch is? It's a gas pump handle! Oh... you were actually going to guess. MY FACE IS RED.

Best fucking news in a motherfucking minute: drinking a shitload of coffee makes you less likely to get fucking skin cancer. Soaking in coffee until your skin is the color of coffee may have even greater effects.

Sir. There's no easy way to tell you this. [Slowly removes hat, wipes brow, sets hat on table, sinks into chair, contemplates hands for a moment, then looks up with an expression of resignation] The Brits have super broccoli.