Sunday, 6 November 2016

**RANDOM RANT ALERT**On the 26th of October, my 6 foot Christmas tree was joyously decorated with baubles and erected in the window of my living room...much to the amazement of passers-by whose gaping maws mouthed incredulity more, I suspect, than they would have had I suctioned my naked form in a Garfield stance to that very pane.

Now then, there were several reasons for my doing this and each of those reasons comprises entirely of the words " because I f*****g can!"As for my being told by some "it's too early" well, maybe it could be deemed so had I erected it in THEIR living room...but I didn't...did I? No!So, I tell you what...how about YOU don't tell me when it's the right time to put my tree up and I won't tell all of you pyrotechnical premature ejaculates to stick your fireworks in an orifice of my choosing when you're frightening the shite out of my dog weeks before bonfire night, which is bad enough in itself!Ok?Excellent...Thank you for tuning into Lynn's Rant...Ps: No animals were harmed during the erecting of my Christmas tree!Pps: Merry Christmas!!

Saturday, 5 November 2016

So then, life and its ever evolving madness has overwhelmed my senses recently and thus my presence, physically, mentally, emotionally, realistically, virtually....and in all other aspects of sentience has been rather jaded and spasmodic, to say the least.No need to bore you with the details of my fugue state, suffice to say that I am dealing with stuff in my own peculiar way and taking note of each diverse nuance of its mitherage for future writings of the crazy and the creepy!Speaking of 'future writings'...the third book in my poetry series is to be launched later this year, December 2017...*air punches*...I'll let you know more about that, including launch venue etc...nearer the time.As for now, well, currently I am poised to resume work on my debut novel (as yet untitled and very much a work in progress) the content of which will incorporate a fusion of mystery, macabre, malevolence, mirth and any other M words I find to be of appropriate usage.Now, whilst I don't want to give too much away regarding storyline, at this point, what I will reveal is the setting for my eerie tale...This is a place where my mother would take me for picnics when I was a little girl and, subsequently, where I would take my own children for similar moments of quietude and calm accompanied by a modest assortment of sandwiches and a hamper packed with thoughtful contemplation for the respected companions in our midst.It is a place where I would once run to, literally, for solace, day or night, when the vicious world of the living weighed heavily upon me. It is a place where I continue to walk each day and most evenings, finding the company of the residents therein both comforting and, indeed, inspiring.And it is a place where I myself will reside one day and, consequently, embark upon my journey to the Otherside guided, no doubt, by the very souls whose ethereal state has, I suspect, on many occasion lifted my spirits higher than their own!No! This is not to be a tale of Tesco Extra and its walking dread!This is a tale of grave and graveyard...particularly my graveyard, as I prefer to think of it, although the local council would be quick to challenge such thoughts.Set in the present a fleeting glimpse at one of the main characters would draw your attention towards the degraded shape of Nathaniel Aloysuis Fletcher (1582-1648) whose zeal as a Witchfinder is as rampant in death as it was in life.In their, as yet, raw state a couple of excerpts from the opening chapter of my book read thusly... "Nathaniel Aloysuis Fletcher peered over the crumbling, graveyard wall through sharp, narrowed eyes. The events unfolding before his scrutinous gaze were a source of much interest to him as he witnessed the solemn interment of yet another sinner.

Death had done nothing to alter Nathaniel’s sour nature nor dull his devious manner. Indeed, he remained to be the bitter, disgruntled man he had been in life, fiercely suspicious of everyone and everything, particularly that which lay beyond the walled confines of what he considered to be his exclusive property, the Chantry..............

..............Yes, Nathaniel’s demise in 1648 in his 66th year, had not quashed his passion for Witch-hunting, if anything Nathaniel believed his present state was testament to God's will that he remain Witchfinder and continue with his noble quest to defeat the Devil and his minions, ultimately purging the wicked influences which sought to possess mankind".

And that's as much of the narrative I'm sharing at the moment, however, I will share with you a few photographs, taken a day or so ago whilst on my walk, of the very graveyard from where Nathanial's prying eyes are boring into the souls of the sinfully deceased.As for now, what more is there to say but...."Abandon hope, all ye who enter here" cue menacing laughter....

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Some time ago I shared with you the peculiar goings-on of previous neighbours of mine from years back.Click here for said post regarding peculiar-neighbours-from-years-back *points* >... Love Thy Neigh-bourNow, at that time, the one neighbour I didn't mention was the one you are about to meet here, Bob, and that's because the peculiar happening associated with Bob, is worthy of a blog post all to itself.

Bob was a deliciously eccentric (mad as a box of twerking frogs) character and a remarkably talented artist who, as tends to be the case with truly gifted people, was completely unaware of just how damn good he was!

Bob was also a young man in his mid to late twenties, struggling to come to terms with the recent breakup of a relationship.Whatever the reason behind the breakup, the outcome was that Bob's partner and their daughter no longer lived with them. This situation seemed to escalate the intensity of Bob's eccentricities as became apparent the day of a mutual friend's funeral.As the hearse pulled up outside the house of the deceased, where his family and friends stood weeping in the front garden, draped in the sorrowful garb of their distress, handkerchiefs were soon removed from tear soaked eyes when they spotted the sight zooming towards them.Bob.Being without a suitable means of transport, a slightly-behind-schedule Bob had rectified the situation by means of...a skateboard!Whooshing along at some considerable speed, his black shirt (open to his naval) flapped crazily above black, skinny trousers! He looked like a deranged bat in the grip of a seizure! However, that story is not for now.This one is...Bob and I were next door neighbours. The back gates of our homes, leading to our respective gardens, faced the other. One day, a rather excited Bob abseiled down my back gate (I jest ye not and no, I don't know why he didn't just use the latch either. It was all part of Bob's strange charm) and into my garden where he stood in front of my patio doors to gain my attention.It was my day off work so, whilst the kids were at school, I'd been relaxing with the doors open, reading a book, enjoying the view of the garden and relishing the summers breeze which whispered over me.A bouncy, boingy Bob breached the tranquillity of this idyllic setting by asking me in a rather hysterical fashion if he could borrow my patio furniture. Before I had a chance to mentally absorb this request he went on to explain that it was his daughters birthday and his estranged partner and their families were calling round so they could celebrate it together and it being such a lovely day, he thought they'd do so outside."Aww" thought I.Well, of course he could borrow it. The table and chairs were only plastic so they wouldn't be too difficult to manoeuvre from my garden to his, so not a problem at all.Bob was most pleased and when I asked if he would like some help he thanked me but insisted all was in hand. He then quickly returned to his house (via opening the gate with the latch, this time) and I returned to my afternoon of bliss, sat by the patio doors, lost amidst the characters of my book.That's when things became a tad awkward.About twenty minutes after our chat, I heard my back gate open once again, and in walked Bob. Obviously to collect the patio set. I carried on reading 'cos I was at a particularly good bit.Maybe if I hadn't been so absorbed, I'd have noticed the trail of people spilling through my open gate behind Bob, before settling themselves around my patio set...under my parasol!As they made themselves comfy and chatted to the other, Bob scurried to and from his house, each time returning with an assortment of buffet foods. Beverages of all descriptions followed until the table was full and everyone began to tuck happily into the feast.Bob had also had the forethought to attach an extension to his ghetto blaster and so the celebratory setting was complete and hips were raring to gyrate accordingly. Not mine, may I add! Mine remained stunned and static.Now, what you need to understand is that, I was but a few feet away from all of this! Had I leaned forward out from the living room and into the garden with a bit of a stretch I could have tapped birthday girl on the shoulder and licked the sausage roll she held so tightly in her grasp!But...as it happens...I couldn't move!I felt like some weird party pervert! A voyeur of vol au vents! Not so much hostess as hostage! I don't think I've ever felt as out of place, especially in my own home! And, as ridiculous as it may seem, I also felt oddly intrusive...standing there as I was, rigid, with a gormless expression on my face and just the hint of drool forming in the corner of my gob-smacked gob at the sight of the Marks & Spencer's trifle taking centre stage on the table.

Still, as intrusive as I may have been feeling, no one even looked at me. I think I was just accepted as being staff!Anyway, they just got on with enjoying their day as if I wasn't there but it was only when Bob sneaked off to get the birthday cake that I found the courage to back off into the hall! Where I remained for some time.

Monday, 15 February 2016

Many moons ago when I was a young wife and mother, things weren't going so well and countless times I'd cry myself to sleep worrying about the next day. So it was one evening, after fretfully dozing on the couch I succumbed unto a most peculiar and startlingly vivid dream.In this dream a gentleman, who I did not know, sat upon the armchair which accompanied the settee in my living room. He was quite distinguished looking and possibly in his late 60s.His hair was short and impossibly white. Above neatly pressed, white trousers he wore a crisp white shirt, partially hidden by a very smart, white jacket.Leaning slightly forward in the chair, arms resting upon his lap with hands lightly folded within the other, the strangers manner was that of being completely at ease. A gentle smile prompted creases to form around warm, kindly eyes before lips parted to utter words in soft, reassuring tones...

"You have no need to feel so lonely, Lynn. You are never by yourself, for I am always watching over you. I have sat here with you many times and witnessed the pain of your distress.

Your tears hurt my heart as much as they do your own and so I tell you this, whenever the world treats you badly, all you have to do is think of me and I will be here, right by your side. I am but a thought away...never forget that"And with that said, he was gone!Well, shortly after my visitors exit, I woke up with the whole weird scene imprinted very clearly and quite sharply upon my mind. It genuinely was a most vivid encounter. So much so that even the air around me, in my waking state, prickled with an undefinable yet most palpable energy, as if in the wake of another's presence.My eyes struggled to adjust to the darkness of the room as a sleepy, disoriented hand reached out to switch the lamp on. All the while, the words of my uninvited guest played on repeat in my head and that's when I realised that, thanks to him, my earlier worries had, indeed, dispersed....

Saturday, 30 January 2016

I know in past posts I've ranted on about the decline of good customer service BUT there's no denying it, customers can be a right pain in the arse too!And, having spent a large part of my working life in retail, I feel more than qualified to say this!Actually, I'm surprised I CAN say it 'cos the weight of scar tissue on my tongue from having to bite back a retort in response to some inanity one of the members of the darling public has chucked at me, has a tendency to hinder speech!Ohh the shit I've had to put up with over the years. Yes, there's been good stuff too...but who wants to read about that? Exactly! One noteworthy encounter came about when I was but a naive, young teenager (oh yes I was!!). During the school summer holidays, after sitting my exams, I had a summer job in the office of a local department store.As part of that job I had to skim the cash registers of money every now and then, to make room for MORE money in the till. I was doing just that one busy Saturday, as the shop floor was in the midst of a shopping frenzy, and that's when it happened!Some guy I'd never met before suddenly stopped right in front of me and whilst stabbing an aggressive finger at me SHOUTED..."How DARE you say things about my mother!! My mother was a good woman!! Stop it!! STOP IT!!! And keep away from my house!!!" All eyes glared at me accusingly. And because the area which housed the cash register was elevated upon a platform, placing me in a higher position than every one else...it was as if I was in the dock!Panicking, I tried to covertly get the attention for the deputy manager BUT...The deputy manager, a scrawny, gangly, unfortunate looking fellow, had an obvious eye problem. That is, one eye went one way, the other eye went the other way. Neither eyes worked in unison to allow him to see forward from a frontal position, so despite the fact that he was facing me and I was trying to catch his...erm...eye...the entire mad scene was invisible to him!Yes, he could hear the guy but he couldn't quite pin down the source of the rantings and so he dashed about, from side to side between the aisles, seemingly having subscribed to the Ministry of Silly Walks!

Anyway, by the time he DID manage to find focus the man had scooted off out of the store, leaving me to stand there, bright red in the face, under the judgemental gaze of the jury before me!Embarrassed, I managed to quickly scuttle off back to the office, all the while feeling the heated glare of my audience stabbing into my back! I was not to know then that this kind of crazy stuff would accompany me for most of my working life in retail!But there lie tales for other times.

One of the most entertaining happenings regarding customer behaviour was a tale relayed to me by a pal who worked in a local cafe, some years ago.The cafe was a popular haunt for shoppers and workers alike and thus enjoyed the nuance (compared to these days) of being frequently busy. It was during one of these busy periods, when the local town was in the grip of a particular cold spell, that the cafe door flew open one day and in breezed a well dressed, middle aged woman.She had the kind of presence that turned heads and the eloquent manner with which she ordered her beverage, did not go unnoticed by those seated before her as she began to make her way to the only unoccupied table at the rear of the shop.However, before reaching her destination, she paused to do two things.A large, bald gentleman was enthusiastically employed devouring a hearty breakfast when the woman stopped directly behind him. Standing there, as his head dipped to scoop a generous spoonful of beans into his mouth, she took it upon herself to place her hands upon his scalp.......which she slowly began to massage!Her ministrations completed, leaving the man with mouth agape, beans hovering on a trembling spoon, in a state of shock and quite speechless, she moved on and that's when the second thing occurred.An elderly woman sat bent, over a mug of tea. Wrinkled, arthritic hands gripped the cup for warmth as a reddened nose sniffed to accommodate the running stream her cold was obviously providing.Upon hearing the old dear snivel, our Mistress of Ministrations paused, once again, and, bending to level with the old ladies ear loudly and in a most articulate fashion, provided the following advice:

Saturday, 23 January 2016

I'd like to make a public apology to the sales person I encountered whilst shopping earlier, for my behaviour. Had I known that you were taking part in some kind of sleep study as you stood there, propping up that shelf, I'd never have approached you so brazenly to enquire as to the location of the particular items I required.My God!! What was I thinking?And, oh, the shame that overwhelms me when I consider how, despite my callous and selfish attitude, you still managed to raise your 'customer service' finger to point in the general direction of the area where my wants could be found. Managerial promotion is in the pipeline for you, methinks!I'm certain that had I been able to actually see through the several stock-littered aisles which separated the goods from the directions your digit was alluding to, I'd have reached them much more quickly but this was not the case. Once again I had let you down by my failing to study the shop floor plan before actually entering the premises.