Read my review of the book and interview of the author

On the one hand, you are religiously and culturally expected to judiciously lower your gaze and minimize interactions with non-mahram women.

To the best of your ability, you do.

On the other, you expect your good behavior to be rewarded by a lively sex life, with a wife who takes the time to maintain her good looks and shapely figure, and who makes the effort to groom and dress in a way that’s sexually appealing to you.

Someone and something to look forward to when you come home after a long day at work, you know?

Not only is this your wife’s religious obligation toward you, it is the unspoken social contract between mates since time immemorial.

Otherwise, what would be the point of making all sexual relations illicit except within the confines of marriage?

As the Puerto Rican philosopher-poet Ali Al-Boriqee once said, “smashing is a rukn of nikah, just not its be-all-end-all.”

This much seems obvious to me and should be obvious to all married Muslim men and women.

Not so, according to the feedback I’ve received from several of my male readers.

The primary complaint? Wives are not interested in sex.

These women view it as a chore to satisfy their husbands or sex as a commodity to be bartered.

When they do “put up with it” they are uninvolved and interested, known as “starfishing.”

According to Urban Dictionary, a “starfish” is a woman who is passive, limp, and lifeless in bed.

So, how to fix the situation?

Becoming the Alpha Muslim is only one-half of the equation.

Here, you will learn how to make yourself more sexually appealing to your wife and how to manage the dynamics of your relationship so she drops her panties on command.

But who’s going to teach the women?

This is something Mirriam Seddiq asked me when I was a guest on her podcast last year.

Interestingly enough, the Muslim World used to be far more sexually progressive than we are today.

My hypothesis is that due to Western cultural hegemony Muslims have reacted by rejecting aspects of it deemed morally degenerate in order to preserve their Islamic heritage.

In doing so, they have thrown the baby out with the bathwater and rejected what is perfectly halal for them enjoy of the ways between a man and a woman.

Many years ago, while listening to a popular da’ee (may Allah accept his shahadah) lecture on the biography of Umar Ibn Al-Khattab, I heard him say, “the Sahaba were more liberal than the conservative Muslims of today and more conservative than the liberal Muslims of today.”

Another da’ee I know refers to it as “holier than the Prophet ﷺ syndrome.”

Imam Al-Suyuti wrote a sex manual entitled “Nawadir Al-Ayk” as an appendix to a longer book on the benefits of marriage called “Al-Wishah min Fawa’id al-Nikah.”

In [it] he lists sex positions – including more than 48 various on laying down, on one’s side, seated, standing, and on one’s knees. He also mentions techniques for delaying orgasm and different ways to move the penis. He also discusses female orgasm and affirms that women like different things. He also includes a how-to for pleasurable sex.

The Imam also opined the best sex manual was “Tuhfat al-’Arus wa-Nuzhat al-Nufus,” by Abu Abdillah ibn Ahmad al-Bija’i.

Imam Al-Ghazali’s Ihya Uloom Al-Din also has a section in the chapter on marriage on how best to have sex.

He mentions, for example, that the minimum frequency of sexual intimacy should be once every 4 days unless one has a valid excuse, that the husband should continue to penetrate the wife until she reaches orgasm if he climaxes before her, and other specifics.

Back to our sex manual for Muslim wives

Umm Al-Mulaadhaat was gracious enough to agree to a written interview and also sent me a draft manuscript.

Having read it, I can confidently say The Muslimah Sex Manual: A Halal Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex is the most straightforward, practical, immediately actionable book I’ve read on the subject of sex written by a Muslim.

More importantly, it’s targeted and specific, not generic and superficial.

This is a sex manual written by a Muslim woman, for Muslim women, with the intent to help them have raunchy, fresh, and exciting sex lives.

The author brings to bear all of her 30 years of marital experience and gives the reader an explicit (though not inappropriately lewd,) step-by-step breakdown on how to keep her husband sexually satisfied and beaming from ear to ear.

For many (too many) Muslim women, this is the talk their mother should have had with them before their wedding night.

It’s short, around 80 pages long, and can be read in a single sitting.

The information she provides is clearly intended to be put into practice right away.

In that sense, it’s more of a workbook than a regular book.

The book spans 36 short chapters, listed here:

Introduction

Who is this book for?

5 Myths about Muslim sex

A pure Muslim can’t be dirty in bed

The only way for a Muslim to learn how to be great in bed is by doing haram things before marriage

Porn is a great educational tool

Women’s magazines and books written by PhDs are excellent sources of sexual education

Religious men lose respect for wives who are dirty in bed

Ready?

The anatomy of male and female genitalia

Body image issues

Genital hygiene

Birth Control

Kegels

Sexting

Flirting with other men

Kissing

Dry humping

Dressing up (lingerie, role play)

Lubricants

How to give a handjob

How to give a massage

How to do a strip-tease

How to give a blowjob

Your first time

Sexual positions

Girl-on-top positions

Doggy-style positions

Face-to-face positions

Spooning positions

Lying on your stomach

Lying on your back

What to say during sex

How to be a freak in bed

Between-breast sex

Femoral sex

Quickies

Shower sex

Rough sex

Dirty talk

Forced sex fantasies

BDSM

Public sex (Nabeel: this is mentioned to make it clear it’s impermissible unless the couple having sex in the open are certain no one will see them

Anal play (Nabeel: this is mentioned to make it clear anal sex and anal fingering are impermissible, and stress how much of a sin it is

Threesomes (Nabeel: this is mentioned to make it clear having sex with one’s co-wives is impermissible because the wives cannot be fully naked in front of each other

The simple things

“Is this even halal?”

Some of you may be raising your eyebrows, “how is this not haram?”

I’ve read the entire manuscript and I don’t see anything objectionable in it.

She has also made it clear which activities are strictly haram and does not equivocate.

There are a couple of instances where some of her recommendations are impermissible or blameworthy, e.g. the wife masturbating using her own hand during coitus and using curse words while engaging in dirty talk.

Ultimately, as long as they are not engaging in what is clearly haram, it is up to each couple to decide for themselves how much of the book they’d like to try.

Why are you using a nom de plume? Are you aware that being anonymous takes away from your credibility? (Hypothetically, you could be some non-Muslim agent provocateur trying to spread sexual deviance in the Muslim community.)

I initially thought about using my real name but decided not to for a number of reasons.

Most importantly, like many writers, I wanted to separate between my literary and personal lives.

I don’t want to be known to friends and family as “the auntie who wrote that sex book”.

Disgusting rumors have been spread based one even less to go on.

Other than privacy, however, I felt that separating myself from the book makes it more credible.

The content speaks for itself, so people who have an issue with the book will attack the author.

Whether comments about ethnicity, age, my socioeconomic status, or something else, people will find a way to dismiss the content of the book because of the author.

By taking a pen name, I present myself as a blank Muslim whose only purpose is to pass on the content of the book—to help Muslims maintain healthy marriages by having a good experience in the bedroom.

Fair enough. What is your background in this field? Do you have any professional qualifications as a counselor or therapist?

I don’t have any qualifications as a counselor or therapist.

I’ve found in my own experience that professional books written by “experts” focused less on useful information and more on theories and jargon.

Many books focus on technicalities and biology and psychology.

That’s not the goal of my book.

A doctor can tell you about the biology of your muscles and about fat and protein.

If you want to have an attractive physique, however, you’re better off learning from an in-shape bodybuilder than an overweight doctor.

God bless you and your family. What prompted you to write this book?

Ameen. What prompted me to write this book was that I noticed a young Muslimah who was not very happy in her new marriage.

After talking to her multiple times, I found out that the issue was that her husband and she were not satisfied sexually.

I gave her some tips that I had accumulated over my marriage and hoped it would help her.

She came back months later very satisfied and asked me if I could write down what I told her and share it with others.

I did and she shared it with her friends who really appreciated it.

Then she came back and asked if I could write a more thorough book on the topic.

So here it is.

It sounds like your career as a sex therapist is recent. How many women would you say you have helped?

I wouldn’t say I’m a sex therapist.

Just someone giving common sense advice and practical skills to women who haven’t been taught much.

I’d say maybe 8-10 women have read my word document so far.

The response was very positive, however, so I decided to expand both the content of the book and the audience.

You mentioned “theories” and “jargon” earlier, and now you’ve mentioned “common sense” and “practical.” Can you elaborate on this? What does your book do differently?

What I noticed is that when Muslims learned about sex, they learned from books that are written by PhDs for PhDs.

A young woman asked for a book on sex and one of my friends recommended to her a book on the physiology of an orgasm!

What my book does differently is that it focuses on having sex, not learning about it.

I wanted to take information on how to have sex and put it in one place for couples to benefit from.

In that sense, this is not a book about fiqh or anatomy but a book about how to enjoy sex.

So, it is more like an Islamic Kama Sutra? Who should read the book? Who is your intended audience?

I wouldn’t really draw parallels to any book.

I’m sure others will make parallels for me, but really, my goal was just to write a sex manual for Muslims.

As I was sharing this book with others, I learned that this is actually a genre which has already seen Islamic books in the past.

Written by no less a scholar than Imam Suyuti.

Although in no way am I comparing myself to him, I believe our goals are the same.

To make marriage more happy between Muslim couples.

For this book, my intended audience is Muslim women.

Primarily those who are just married or soon to be married, but I think even those who’ve been married for a while may find things they can use to enhance their bedroom life.

Depending on the reception to this book, I may follow up with a book aimed towards Muslim men.

What do you think is the #1 problem Muslim women face when it comes to the act of having sex?

I think the number one problem is misinformation.

I say misinformation more than ignorance because many women do get information, just the wrong ones.

I don’t have any statistics, but if I had to guess, I would say that the majority of Muslim women (and men) have watched pornography or read erotica.

Both of these give unrealistic expectations about sex.

That causes problems in the bedroom which then spiral out to other parts of the marriage.

Why do you believe pornography and erotica give people unrealistic expectations about sex? And what are these unrealistic expectations?

Both pornography and erotica are fantasies, but they’re fantasies providing education about realities.

In porn, women have perfect bodies and are always willing to have sex.

There’s no need for buildup and romance, it’s just the actual intercourse.

In reality, the buildup and romance are at least as important, if not more so, than the actual act.

Porn is consciously made for a third party, the viewer.

Everything is performed not for the enjoyment of the couple but for the enjoyment of a third party.

What’s enjoyable in real life is not necessarily the same as what is most titillating to someone watching from afar.

Erotica is less harmful in my opinion, but still on the same spectrum.

People who read it construct long fantasies in their head, expect multiple orgasms, and a perfect body from their spouse. None of these are realistic.

Are you aware that real couples film themselves having sex and upload these videos to porn sites? Do these videos create an unrealistic expectation too?

I’m aware of real couples that film themselves having sex.

The result is still the same, it’s pornography. People of certain body types upload those videos and people of other body types do not.

Ok, summarize your book for us. What topics does it cover? Are you explicit?

Some of the topics covered include anatomy, body image, genital hygiene, birth control, sexting, how to kiss, how to give a handjob, oral sex, different positions, and introduction to BDSM.

The nature of the topic means that the majority of the book is very explicit.

However, I’ve avoided being crude or needlessly trying to be provocative. The book is only explicit to the level needed to convey the message.

Have you tried to get your work featured in online publications whose target audience are Muslim women? What was their response?

Related

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Ahsan Irfan

as salamu `alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

I’ll begin with an anecdote: Years ago, when we were young foolish guns, a friend of mine said to me that he would like his wife to “wear a thong for me every night.” Then he got married, and he became a shaykh. His wife doesn’t wear the niqab. You can pretty much imagine how my imagination ran wild. I’m a guy after all.

My point? The slow “de-modestization” of Muslim women may have contributed to the “stuck-up-ness” of the mashaykh in discussing these things.

Imagine a guy and his wife going to a shaykh to discuss sexual problems, and the wife isn’t wearing a niqab. Do you not think that knowing what this man’s wife looks like is going to kick in the “super-modesty gear” for this shaykh? Imagine now the same scene, with the woman wearing a niqab and her disguising her voice (as many of the books of fiqh say they should). In this scenario is the shaykh going to have the same reservations that he did in the other scene?

Let’s be real. Men are highly visual creatures. You say something to them, the automatic reaction is visualize it, without any control whatsoever.

I’m not suggesting that we all be prudish about sex. I think there is a very real need for an open discussion about halal sexuality. But for there to be an open discussion about halal sexuality, there has to be a requisite adab and hayah. Remove those and you either very quickly descend into verbal debauchery a la teenage boys, or you end up with prudishness a la the mashaykh of today.

Not all of us have the same mental control as Suyuti did back in his day. And that has to be taken into account.

Ahsan

Ahsan Irfan

as salamu `alaykum,

Another point:

Broadly speaking, I think sexual satisfaction and modesty are also intimately connected. I once read a study some time ago (no link, sorry) done in Egypt to show the correlation between outward modesty i.e. clothing and sexual satisfaction among women. The result was a direct correlation between conservativeness in dress and sexual satisfaction. The authors of the study opined that since there was no pressure on these women to “feel sexy” in front of other men, they put all their sexual energies into making their bedrooms sexual heavens.

This, I agree with. When you are exposed to more sexual stimuli you become desensitized to it. It’s another reason why lowering the gaze is important, because we will not compare our wives to other women.

Are you saying people are not supposed to not do permissible things because of what another may think or feel about it unrelatedly?

If we are being real, you should not know what your friend’s wife looks like because we are supposed to lower our gaze. Same with the sheikh. Why put yourself in a position to think haram thoughts? The first responsibility is on us, as men, to control our gaze. Whether we fulfill this high standard or not is another story.

I got many similar comments like this when I posted this blog in a Facebook Group. Ultimately they are all slippery-slope arguments. They have some merit, no doubt, but they don’t present a strong enough case to stop people from doing what is permissible to achieve a needed objective.

Ahsan Irfan

wa `alaykum salam

“Are you saying people are not supposed to not do permissible things because of what another may think or feel about it unrelatedly?”

Oh no, not at all. I’m talking about prudishness. The prudishness is the result of the general climate that allows men “access” to women’s faces, and consequently, their identities. I totally agree with you that, as men, our gazes should be down. But fulfilling this obligation doesn’t get rid of the prudishness in our collective attitudes. That’s my point.

When the book comes out, I’m buyin’ it, dude. I ain’t no prude.

Ahsan

kopashamsu

I have seen many out of the mill hypocrites, but I have not seen anything like you, you are the one and only piece mashallah.

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