January 14, 2007

16 Ways To Spot An Abusive Man

An abusive relationship tends to leave a legacy of shame and fear in its wake. Women feel ashamed that they allowed themselves to suffer in an abusive relationship and -wrongly - take the blame for their partner's bad behaviour. They also feel afraid of getting into another abusive relationship.

The pull of old patterns can be very strong and ,certainly, abused women often do find themselves attracted to another abusive man. This happens because they have not been educated to recognize the tell-tale signs and behaviours of an abusive man. Once you know the surefire ways to spot an abusive man, you will have a much better chance of protecting yourself successfully. What follows are some of the things that people don't tell you - but should - about relationships. Remember, forewarned is forearmed.

1. You may be attracted by his apparent ‘strength’, ‘confidence’, determination, aggressive masculinity – the kind of qualities you know you lack.

2. Or it may be his vulnerability that appeals.
You might find yourself saying: “he just needs someone to really,
really love him (and heal his pain.) Why does it need to be you?
Feeling sorry for someone is no basis for a loving, equal relationship.

(Your focus has shifted from you, your wants and your needs, to his. He has replaced you as the centre of your universe.)

3. He really, really wants to hear about all the problems you’re having at the beginning of the relationship.
He may even have the same problems himself. (Be very wary, he may be
doing one of two things: he may be learning all about your Achilles’
heel and the best buttons to push in the future to humiliate and
control you; or he may be encouraging you to feel that at least he
understands what you’re going through.

4. He expects a big return on his investment.
He may seem happy to put your needs and wishes first for a little
while, but it won’t be long before he starts saying: “Look at
everything I do for you. You should be doing X, Y and Z for me.”

5. The relationship moves forward very fast.
(Abusive men woo as fast as they can. They know that they can’t sustain
consistent good behaviour for very long. Good behaviour doesn’t give
them the pay offs they want. For more on that see The Circle of
Violence)

6. He talks at length, and interestingly about himself. You share a common interest – him.

7. The women who he’s had relationships with in the past didn’t understand him and let him down or behaved badly.
(Be afraid.) If at all possible, you want to meet these women and hear
their point of view. If he can badmouth them, can you be sure you won’t
be next?

8. His relationship with his family has broken down. They may have let him down too.

9. There are areas of his life that he’s not telling you about. (Rest assured, there is a good reason for that.)

10. He’s got a history of alcohol and/or drug abuse, and possibly violence.

11. When you first meet him, there’s something about him that you don’t like.
(You can do it the hard way, or the easy way. Choose not to trust your
intuition and you’ll probably pay for it. Big time. Your intuition is
there to keep you safe.)

12. He’s all sweetness and light with you, but he shows quite different behaviours with other people. (Rest assured that, with time, you’ll become ‘other people’.)

13. There are odd ‘blips’ when his behaviour leaves you feeling that you’re dealing with someone you don’t even know.
(The ‘good’ behaviours that you like are his best – or courting –
behaviours. The ‘blips’ are an indication of his real self and what the
future will hold; increasingly.)

14. He can always find reasons for not spending time with your friends and family.
He may try to discourage you from spending time with them also. The
more he can isolate you, the more power he will have over you.

15. He’s not happy to accept you the way you are.
(Maybe it’s because he can see all your ‘potential’ better than you
can. Maybe it’s because, with his input, you could present yourself so
much better to the world; in his eyes anyway.)

16. He’ll remind you regularly what a wonderful guy he is and how lucky you are to have him. (Although he might also admit that he’s a loser when he’s feeling low, or else to get you back on side.)

If
you have any doubts that your partner may be, or may become, abusive,
take the relationship slowly and listen to the advice of friends and
family whose judgement you can trust. If you don't like what they say
and find yourself replying: "But you don't understand. He's not like
that...", the chances are, you're wrong and they're right.

Any of the above should be considered an important warning sign.
If you hear ANY alarm bells going in your head, listen to them carefully and act on them right away.

The
damage an abusive relationship causes is cumulative. You cannot make an
abusive relationship work by putting up and shutting up. It will drain
you dry.

It is quite possible to break away from the hooks of
abusive relationships, but it can be very hard to do without help.
Enlisting the help of someone who understands and is skilled at helping
women work their way through the problems of an abusive relationship
will really speed your recovery.

It's frightening to know just how sick some men (and women) are.
I've got a controlling father.
I went from first family into a first relationship where there was also a controlling, coercive man, just not my dad.
I've spent a lot of time in therapy to resolve what I've experienced, with a very fine therapist who stood by me whilst I let go of a great deal of inner pain from abuse by men.
I've just read Ordeal about Linda Lovelace's book.
It's very heartwrenching to read yet it tells women exactly how extreme these bully men can be.
I'm saddened when I hear men or women tell others including their children "toughen up" when the fact is gentleness and sensitivity are gifts, not to be exploited by violent people.
I wish for healing for all the women who have suffered as Linda Lovelace have.
I wish for healing for all the women who have suffered from controlling, abusive men who were "not well".
That's the truth of it.
They are psychologically not fit to have relationships unless and until they gain full ongoing therapy and change.
I haven't met this kind of man who goes to therapy and changes yet.
I have done a lot of inner work as well as looked at how men are conditioned by society in western world.
I have met a wonderful man though this is one who isn't controlling and abusive.
Thanks

As both a person who spent years in an emotionally abusive marriage, I can tell you that nothing feels worse than to have another person refer to your abusive spouse as "charming". It was almost "the" word that told me that everything my abusive spouse had sold me in the first place, and what I know now to be a lie, was being played out in a 'second tier' of subterfuge.
I had a friend of mine relate that she though everything was picture perfect. and I DO need to agree with it, it was perfect, for a picture. It was so good that anything that was painted into it looked so incredibly lifelike. As long as she gave quick glimpses to others ,they were incapable of realizing it wasn't a reflection of us, or of me, at all. It was what she wanted them to see. Maybe that is why it felt like I was being made slowly immobile and trapped. It made the 'picture' more realistic.

The abusive man I was with had an unrealistic view of his marriage. His marriage was perfect, his kids are perfect the town he lived in he refers to as paradise! "Everything was perfect until the drugs." Well the man has been drug free for 4 years now and claims he never hit a woman and he's going on protection order number 5. Part of his comment is true when he stated he never "hit" a woman he meant that he never punched a woman. I guess that means it's okay to pull hair, pinch triceps until they bruise, strangle a woman and squeeze a 3 month old infants wrist until he screams bloody murder. This man was my best friend for 4 years and I knew him for 8 years before I ever dated him. So I think I would add that a delusion recollection of his life being perfect would be an additional tell tale sign.