Right, Christmas is here. That means, if you’re lucky, you get to spend a couple of days with the family. If you’re unlucky, this lasts for the best part of a week.

The Phil’s Darts Club World Championships are on TV this Christmas and New Year (PA)

You’ll be getting bored out of your tiny mind with pointless conversations about ‘what you’re doing these days’ from the neighbours who’ve popped round for Christmas drinks.

Then you’ll be asked if you like the stupid jumper your senile grandma lovingly knitted for you over the previous eight months (just say yes, it’s easier that way).

Fortunately for you, Metro has come up with the perfect way to make it through the week with a regular dose of sport (tell your dad – he can help with some of the more complex plans) to help you stay sane.

Here’s our Christmas survival guide.

CHRISTMAS DAY

Waking up with a thumping hangover – having told the olds a friend of yours got stranded in the UK because of the snow and needs cheering up – you’ll need something light and airy to help you make it through the morning.

So in between looking as excited as you can by the selection box of kitten wee aftershaves you got from auntie No.1; the awful driving gloves you’ll never use from your younger sibling; and the keyring that is also the most useless ‘mini Swiss Army knife’ ever from cousin Colin, try to catch a bit ofSoccer AM Christmas Special(10am, Sky 1).

Having done your duty by sitting through the Queen’s Speech, at the behest of patriotic gran, ply her with brandy until she zonks out and settle in for a bout of NFL action from the United States as theArizona Cardinals take on the Dallas Cowboys(8.30pm, Sky Sports 2).

Later in the evening, after the various soaps have tried to shock us into submission with their over-hyped storylines and Morecombe and Wise have been on, it’s the big show –Australia v England, fourth Ashes Test(11.30pm, Sky Sports 1). Stay up late, if you can make it (HINT: chocolate will help).

BOXING DAY

Go to the football – it’s traditional. Get out of the house, whatever you do, otherwise you’ll have to help prepare the leftovers platter, do the washing up from yesterday, or make idle chatter with the less important relatives who never got round to calling on Christmas Day. This is where dad comes in handy (‘it’s a father-son bonding thing’, etc.) so get him in on it.

If you absolutely have to stay in, try to catch some of the London derby betweenFulham and West Ham(11.30am, Sky Sports 1) and enjoy looking at Baron von Greenback… sorry, Avram Grant’s face while he still has a job.

The later game should be a corker asAston Villa host high-flying Spurs(5.30pm, Sky Sports 1) and you know Harry Redknapp’s boys won’t sit back much.

Catchday two of the fourth Ashes Testfrom Melbourne (2am, Sky Sports) later on.

DECEMBER 27th

The best game of the Christmas football schedule is on today asChelsea go to Arsenal(7pm, Sky Sports 1).

Unfortunately you’ll have to wait until the evening to get down the pub and share a festive pint with the other put-upon husbands, fathers and sons – but the girls won’t know what time kick-off is so tell them it starts at 3pm and that it went to extra time and penalties.

Cricketagain later too. Brilliant.

DECEMBER28th

Another big day withCoventry v QPRfrom the Championship on at lunchtime (Noon, Sky Sports 1), thenWest Ham v Evertonlater (5.30pm, Sky Sports 1) as the Hammers get some love from the TV people.

Then in the evening catchBirmingham v Manchester United(7.30pm, Sky Sports 1) and entertain yourself during what will probably be a dull game by singing ‘Fergie the red-nosed manager’ whenever he’s on screen.

DECEMBER29th

Liverpool take on Wolves(7.30pm, Sky Sports 1) at Anfield, so this time it’s Christmas Woy, whose rosy-red cheeks will keep you transfixed.

It’s also worth checking in with theMatch of the Dayteam (10.35pm, BBC1) because you probably skipped the Boxing Day show to watch the cricket – or you were drunk. (Speaking of which, tonight could be crucial for the Ashes – if theBoxing Day Testhas got this far. Play is due to start at midnight for day five).

DECEMBER30th

Use today to recover from the cricket. You’ll need your strength.

DECEMBER31st

Let’s forget sport today, shall we? Just look forward to tonight.

JANUARY 1st

Stupidly, the Scottish Premier League schedulers have somehow decided it’ll all be fine if they play the Edinburgh derby betweenHearts and Hibernianat midday on January 1st (ESPN).

There could be one of two problems with this: 1) Everyone’s so hungover from the night before that the atmosphere’s a damp squib; or 2) everyone’s still drunk – and it’s a nightmare (much more likely)

Old Firm derby time (ahhh…. I see why Hibs-Hearts got pushed back now – this is the one everyone else cares about) asRangers host Celtic(noon, Sky Sports 4).

If you aren’t that bothered after all then flick it over toChelsea v Aston Villa(1pm, Sky Sports 1). If I were you, I’d stick to the action from Glasgow.

The final live football of the holiday season isWigan v Newcastle(3.30pm, Sky Sports 1), but that’s just an interlude before tonight whenEngland and Australiaare at it again for the final Test of the Ashes series (11.30pm, Sky Sports 1).

Take the chance to stay up all night for this too – you’re back to work in just over 24 hours (if you have a job – there’s a recession on after all).

JANUARY3rd

Make the most of the bank holiday because it’s back to work tomorrow (if you’re in England – if you’re in Scotland, lucky you, extra day off!). ThePDC darts finalfrom Ally Pally is today, so make sure you catch that (7pm, Sky Sports 1) and maybe warm up for the last hurrah of the holidays with a few early afternoon drinks beforehand.