Pre-Mother’s Day

I on purpose am not going to look at what I wrote last year about my mother (bare with me if I repeat anything). I am curious to see what comes from my heart this time. When I was little (as you may have read last year) my mother was an addict so she didn’t raise me much of my life; consequently Mother’s Day has always been a hard day for me.

I am so blessed with my children and by plenty of people that love me so don’t feel bad. I just got thinking this morning that I have come so far.

I went through very bitter dark feelings until I was a young adult. There are a couple of poems that I wrote her (a shared interest that we had) at 12 I wrote “Someday” which was when I just wanted her in my life so bad, I would just sit and cry and write.

Someday I’ll see you.

Not alone.

Not in hiding…Someday I’ll see you.

Someday I’ll see you

We’ll be together.

In the same room.

Together…Someday I’ll see you.

Someday I’ll see you

everything will be okay.

No one will care…Someday I’ll see you.

Someday I’ll see you.

Nothing will matter.

My love for you will never die…Someday I’ll see you.

Someday I’ll see you.

“I love you Mommy, I love you Mommy”

I will say….soon

Someday I will see you.

I don’t remember if “Soul” came before or after but I felt so abandoned and just plain mad. I would caution any parent that has a child that has lost a birth parent to really listen and if you listen good you can hear them screaming inside.

Hate, the burning desire to hate creeps up into my soul everyday

I try to push this feeling away.

But, sometimes no more can i take

Hate is bad, I know

but, why must life provoke me so.

I have shed many tears through hate

Im not proud, Im ashamed

are so much

My soul can only take so much.

This can be controlled…I tell myself day by day.

I think the last dark one I wrote (there are many others) was “Fly Away”. Stick with me, its gonna get happier.

Lord, take me to a place unknown.

I feel that I’m ready to go home.

Lift me up to flyaway there, like a flock of birds flying high in the air.

The earth is filled with so much hate.

Of which I feel that i should not participate.

Lead me to this paradise, so that I don’t have to feel this rueful strife.

Bring me through those golden gates.

I just cannot take much more of this place.

On 03/01/01 (I know the date because I wrote it down) a Pastor at the Lutheran Church I was attending talked about forgiveness and she said something that struck a cord. She said “Make a list of people that have hurt you and forgive them. Im not going to share the whole list But #1 was My Name and #2 was My Mother. I don’t remember why I put myself down first…maybe it was because I knew that my heart wasn’t right but regardless, that day was a breaking point. I forgave her. I forgave her for the drugs and life that she let consume her. I let her back in. I had for the sake of protecting myself pushed her far away and convinced myself I didn’t need her anyway. Fast forward to the day she week before she died: I sat in the room with her by ourselves, she couldn’t really talk from her stroke. We just stared into each others eyes for a while and she just kept nodding at me like she could her my voice. I wasn’t talking but I was thinking; I love you, I forgive you, let go of your pain go home and be new. I had several more moments like this with her, one where she confirmed that she had already trusted in the Lord. When I got the call that she was close to the end. It was just her daughters sitting around her after my Nana went home for the night. We sat there for a couple of hours and then with my hand on her chest, and hovered over her I felt her last heart beat and heard her last breath. I think she gave that to me. Somehow in that one moment, that one small gift made everything amended. The closeness I needed all of my life, I finally received. I hold on to that moment every-time I get sad.