Monday, August 16, 2010

It's one thing
to be at the point in your life
when you are looking back
on things that happened
twenty-three years ago
and to realise that there actually was
a "twenty-three years ago"
and how old that makes you feel
and then to realise
that there were things from that time
that are still affecting you now.

I'm not sure which realisation is worse.

I've reached a point
where my old demons
who were once young
and fresh
and relatively harmless
have gone on unchecked
for so long
that they are now
great pals
with my new demons
and with all of the constant
demands
and stress
and pressure
of day to day life
and wave after wave
of overwhelm
that I now need
to do something
about those old demons
so that I have a fighting chance
of being able to fend off
my new demons.

Some things are harder to do than others
and doing something hard
that you know will be but the first
of many
many
hard things
that offers
only more pain
with no guarantee
of success
or any relief at all
makes a hard thing
even harder.

But I have taken the first tiny step
and although I am dreading it
tomorrow I will take another tiny step
where I open myself up
for someone else to peer around inside
only to judge me
and to confirm my fears
or worse yet
to fail to confirm them
meaning that there isn't even
any hope.

But assuming there is hope
tomorrows "step"
really only equates to
the lifting of one foot
in the hope that there will be
something for it to come to rest on
before I can actually conside
myself to have taken a step at all
and there is pain in every movement
in every tensing
of every muscle
and with one foot off the ground
I have an even greater chance
of falling
again.

1 comment:

A month from "retirement age," I have lots of things on which to look back. One demon has been a destructive participant in my life since my teens. I deal with it as well as I can, sometimes with the help of others, to whom I have opened up myself over the years.

I'm pretty much "who I am," and I'm getting to the point that I might actually start celebrating who I am. It's taken a long time, but I think I'm getting there. Better late than never.