E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S

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Oct 30, 2002

Put Your Pencils Down

Remember Me?

Yep, sorry I've been ignoring you folks the past few days, I've been busy as a bastard with this scavenger hunt thing. Which if I may say so, is going off rather well. In fact, I'd like to take a few minutes to recognize a few people for extra effort and great pictures.

The "I Bet She's A Wildcat In Bed" award goes to Team 10 the Drunk Monkeys for proving tits dont have to be huge to be yummy.

The "Best Hunt For A Yellow Ricer" award goes to Team 12 Freaky Tiki's who didn't get the pic she wanted, but tried like hell and showed her goods all over in the process...

From: Team Freaky Tiki
Subject: Fuck you and your yellow striped car!
I don't know how many people saw my tits that day. At least
three outside of Best Buy with the yellow car. I know of four
others when I was on various highways or sidestreets. I drove
around for three hours looking for that little yellow striped
car. I hit four beat stores (where they install the boomin
radios) drove through three mall parking lots (I'm talking up
and down rows) I went to three places that install tint! I
think all the beat car people were grounded Saturday or something.
I went out at 11 am and didn't get back home until five.

The "Biggest Shit Eating Grin While I Bare My Nutsack" award goes to Team 25 Fat Inc. for their clever use of cardboard.

My Hat Is Off To You Vladimir Putin

Is Islam Evil?

Those of you who know me know I don't really have a taste for religion -- any religion. But I'm always tolerant of those who practice a faith, and try to do my best to not step on too many toes when it comes to this facet of their humanity.

But fuck, man, I've got to be honest here and say that events over the past few weeks have really caused me to look at Islam with a raised eyebrow and some skepticism. Now I don't want to make any broad sweeping comments like, "are all those people fucking nuts?" but try as I might I can taste those words on the tip of my tongue and they're dying to come out.

At least 14 Israelis were murdered -- many burned alive -- and 65 were wounded when a car packed with explosives rammed a passenger bus near Hadera on Monday. Islamic Jihad promptly took credit for the slaughter, and once again that perfect silence you heard was millions of Muslims in America and Europe not crying out in protest against those who commit massacres in the name of Islam.

The night before, Islamic terrorists bombed a Catholic shrine in the Philippine city of Zamboanga, leaving one dead and 12 injured. Three days earlier, two terror attacks in the largely Christian city's shopping district killed seven and wounded more than 160. And from moderate Muslims in the West, the heartfelt expressions of revulsion and sorrow were -- inaudible.

Time and again we have been instructed that Islam is a "religion of peace." Over and over we have been assured that most Muslims are nonviolent and tolerant. And yet when Islamist fanatics commit acts of horrifying atrocity, and do so *as Muslims,* the peaceable Islamic majority has nothing to say. Why not?

(Jeff Jacoby is a columnist for The Boston Globe.)

Tack on to that the explosion set off by Muslim terrorists in Indonesia that killed all those Australians, and now these Chechyen assholes who took an entire theatre hostage, but not before releasing their fellow Muslims, shooting an unarmed girl in the back, and are now holding the remaining 700 or so at gunpoint. What the fuck?

Back when James Kopp shot and killed the abortion doctor in the name of Christianity, our televisions were filled with priests and bishops denouncing any use of violence on behalf of their religion. So... where the fuck are all the influential Muslims in all this? Why aren't they on TV reassuring is that Islam is peaceful and calling for an end to these attacks, instead of letting these atrocities speak on their religion's behalf? Should I take their silence as condoning these acts of terror?

The Difference Between the U.S. And France

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

French Answer: Well that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

We Got Em

No more teams for the scavenger hunt. If you're not in by now, you missed the boat. I'm compiling the list of everyone now, stay tuned...

Oct 17, 2002

Never Go Dry Again

Alright, I have compailed the final list of objectives for the official EHOWA scavenger hunt, all I need now are the teams which will be competing for the grand prize -- the Summit SBC-500B Keg Refrigerator!

That's right guys, never have to pump a keg like an uncoordinated jerkoff, never have to fuck around with dozens of empties after a dorm party, and most importantly never have to worry about skunked beer. You can pour your beer like the big boys, with just simple tilt of the tap. Be it a keg from the liquor store, or a batch of your own homebrew ......mmmmmmmm beeeeeeer.... this keg cooler will surely make having a few beers at your place the source of legends.

Now a beer fan ladies? So what, no problem! Think of how cool you'll be when your significant other finds this $700 keg cooler under his X-mas tree with his name on it!

So what I need from you guys now is to know who's in! Some of the pictures will require teamwork to get -- how else are you going to get a picture of your pressing your ass to the window on the 5th floor of a building? Thus I will ONLY be accepting TEAMS that:

-- have a decent digital camera
-- consist of 3-5 people ALL over the age of 18
-- have at least one chick
-- team captain must be AT LEAST 21 years of age

So gather up your friends, and if you wanna get in on this send me an email spelling out the following:

-- Your team's name
-- Who's in your team and their ages
-- Who's your team captain (must be 21+)
-- Where in the country you're located

No I won't publish any of that info, it's to keep me from going to jail and being assraped. Get in early, I'm limiting the number of teams so I don't go fucking crazy. Soon, the games shall begin. Public nudity will not be encouraged, it will be required.

Oct 15, 2002

Fire up Those Digital Cameras

Okay. So one more no-notice trip to fucking Philthadelphia later, and here we are. Sorry, no tales of stripper fun this time, the plane barely touched down and I was in the air again. Two days in a row. I feel like shit. Not to mention flying with a head cold is a blast... decending to land means fifteen minutes of fun where the depressurization literally sucks all the snot out of your head so you're leaking like a sieve. Yeah, envy me.

Did come back to some interesting emails though. Right after I posted this link last week, I got this whoch made me laugh milk, instead of snot, out of my nose...

Ha ha, really fuckin' funny....Here I am looking through my weekly website postings when in walks my boss, who happens to be, well, a cunt (literally and figuratively).And what link did I just click on?? That's right, Top-10-Cutest-Kittens....Stop your fuckin' laughing, that wasn't even close to funny. Fortunately, my "desktop" PC is a laptop. Since I use a dock the lid was closed and the audio was kinda garbled. I was able to close the browser before she really caught on, but damn dude, that was close! Cutest kittens... I was expecting the obligatory "kitty porn" link or something. Hey, BTW, what's this great idea of yours? I'm all a-flutter with anticipation... Or was the accompanying pic the idea in itself? Later,Mosh (a.k.a.)

Well, in short, we're going to have a scavenger hunt. But instead of going around and collecting such novelty items as a stuffed platypus and a broken coo-coo clock, we're going to be collecting EHOWA pictures. What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you might ask? Well, we're going to be organizing into teams of 3-5 people, and here's a very small preview list of pictures you'll need to be taking of your teammates standing...

-- in front of police car (+10 points if it's state police, plus double points for nudity)
-- with a priest (double points if you can get the priest to hold the "ehowa" sign
-- with a homeless person (+10 points for every extra homeless in same pic, +20 points if they're missing teeth)
-- near a dog in mid urination (+10 points if defacating instead)
-- standing under HUGE American flag (+20 points if flag is in parking lot for American brand car dealer)
-- mooning with "EH" and "WA written on asscheaks (+10 points per extra person)

More details to come, there will be extra points awarded for nudity, and of course, all of the pictures will require the homemade 'EHOWA' sign to prove the pic was taken specifically for the contest!

Oct 13, 2002

Die Terrorist, Die!

Oh yes, my life is complete now. The long awaited sequel to "Taliban Bodies" video has been released -- it's called "Die Terrorist Die" and it was created by that patriotic motherfucker over at Grouchy Media! Die motha'fucka die!

Oct 10, 2002

You're Just Jealous

So once again I flip on the news this morning and really to no big suprise I'm greeted with yet another sniper shooting in Maryland. Now my first reaction is all "id" -- lucky bastard. C'mon, seriously, how many times have you sat there in a trance a few minutes before a meeting to discuss more layoffs at your job, and just daydreamed about slinging a high powered rifle with a scope up on your back and climbing up the ladder of some abandoned water tower to relieve some frustration upon your fellow man.

I'm sure we all agree, the guy's got to be caught and I hope put to death with a .38 to the back of the brainstem. But be honest, you're just a little bit jealous at the same time, aren't you?

Oh, I also modified the picture pop-up script so that all you have to do is click on the picture itself to close the window. Very convenient, eh?

Oct 8, 2002

Did You Know?

When the atom bomb was being built in New Mexico during World War II, the government hired only illiterates as janitors so they wouldn't be able to pick up secrets from the trash. This policy was so successful that it was expanded to many other jobs throughout the vast government bureaucracy after the war and continues to this day.

I HATE SPAMMERS

Um, yeah so I "accidentally" received this fucking piece of unsolicited commercial email (SPAM!) in my personal mailbox, my subscribe mailbox, and my unsubscribe inbox all within 20 seconds of each other. You know, because it was on fucking ACCIDENT. Fucking spammers.

Pearson Dental's Introductory Promotion for New Customers.(Offer Expires: November/15/2002)If you are recieving this by mistake, and do not want anymore emails to be sent to you, reply to this email and write REMOVE in the subject. Your name will be immediately removed from our list.

Now since I'm not a fucking dentist, I don't give rectal exams, and I find it pretty fucking unlikely that they "accidentally" added three of my email addresses to their list, I've been "accidentally" calling their 800-535-4535 and playing South Park sound clips all afternoon to make up for it.

Oct 2, 2002

American Guesser

I've already received two military ticket requests for this year's "Let's bring Em Home" project. I plan on starting things off earlier this year -- I'm shooting for December 1st to start the ball rolling both in reserving tickets and taking donations. So make sure you start setting aside your nickels and dimes kiddies, 'cause Santa is coming to town.

In December 1775, "An American Guesser" anonymously wrote to the Pennsylvania Journal:

I observed on one of the drums belonging to the marines now raising, there was painted a Rattle-Snake, with this modest motto under it, "Don't tread on me." As I know it is the custom to have some device on the arms of every country, I supposed this may have been intended for the arms of America.

First, it occurs to me that the Rattle-Snake is found in no other quarter of the world besides America.

The rattlesnake also has sharp eyes, and may therefore be esteemed an emblem of vigilance.

Furthermore, she never begins an attack, nor, when once engaged, ever surrenders. She is therefore an emblem of magnanimity and true courage.

She never wounds 'till she has generously given notice, even to her enemy, and cautioned him against the danger of treading on her.

Finally, I confess I was wholly at a loss what to make of the rattles, 'till I went back and counted them and found them just thirteen, exactly the number of the Colonies united in America; and I recollected too that this was the only part of the Snake which increased in numbers.

'Tis curious and amazing to observe how distinct and independent of each other the rattles of this animal are, and yet how firmly they are united together, so as never to be separated but by breaking them to pieces. One of those rattles singly, is incapable of producing sound, but the ringing of thirteen together, is sufficient to alarm the boldest man living."

Many scholars now agree that this "American Guesser" was Benjamin Franklin.

Oct 1, 2002

Wabbit Season Has Opened

This is unbelievable!

The story is that the deer jumped off the Hwy 101 bridge over 394 in Wayzata (apparently scared by a car that drove by as it was walking over the bridge). Poor bastard. Anyway, the Durango was driving under the bridge when it was hit by the falling deer.