The Pro’s and Con of Dating A Catholic Man

Dating in the secular world is interesting, to put it mildly. It also happens to be confusing, messy, disordered and sometimes scary. I say this because I’ve done it. Because I’ve done it, I have had all too much practice having awkward conversations about why I go to mass as much as possible, why I go to confession, and my favorite, the “reasons why I won’t live with you/sleep with you/be unchaste with you before marriage”. There’s nothing quite as fun as watching a date come to a grinding halt when you explain that not only are you Catholic, you’re really Catholic. And while you may not actually wear a chastity belt, you might as well because, by golly, you are waiting until marriage! Ah, yes. Nothing puts the breaks on burgeoning new romance quite like those conversations will.

Which brings me to the point of this blog: there are many pro’s (and one pseudo-con) to dating Catholic men. While dating Catholic men is still confusing and sometimes scary, there are several upsides:

You can go to mass, adoration, stations of the cross, and other awesome Catholic services together.

You can talk about your shared love of Mary and the saints.

You can talk about chastity without them running away.

They can talk with you about theology and Church teachings without it resulting in either a painfully silent look of apathy or an all-out argument.

They can correct you if you use terms like “immaculate conception” incorrectly or mispronounce words like “consubstantiation” (happens to me all the time).

In sum, dating a Catholic man can be all kinds of wonderful. But there is one downside to dating a Catholic man, a downside that is actually a positive, but in my experience can be frustrating and downright painful. This con contains lots of “opportunities” to die to self, and to rely on God. I don’t know about you, but for this girl, that’s tough stuff.

So, what’s the con? It is this: Catholic men take discernment seriously. They discern if and how to pursue you, how to be in relationship with you, and if they feel called to marry you. Not only do they discern whether they want to marry you, but they discern whether they want to be married at all! Many girls just worry if their boyfriend wants to marry them, but girls dating the discerning Catholic man worry that he may want to dedicate his life to priesthood or religious life. Now don’t get me wrong – vocations to priesthood and religious life are beautiful and blessed. But when you have your heart set on a great guy, and he discerns a calling that doesn’t involve you in a white dress, it still hurts.

I once dated a man who was very open to all vocations, and was up front about it from the beginning. Each time he talked about discerning priesthood, my heart would jump into my throat as I thought of him ending our relationship for that calling. My emotional brain would freak out and say, “Hey, don’t leave me! Don’t send me back out into the dating world!” Luckily, even in those moments of anxiety, I had enough logical brain left to keep my mouth shut until I could sort my feelings. Eventually what I realized was that if I truly wanted peace, I would want God’s will to be done. Period. And if God’s will did not include this man, then I would have to get over myself and let go. Not only that, but if I truly loved this man as the brother in Christ he was, I would want God’s will for him, too. Easy to say, much more difficult to embrace and put into practice.

That relationship eventually ended because my ex-boyfriend discerned so excellently. He was so good at discernment, in fact, that he broke up with me, something I didn’t really appreciate at the time. I ranted and argued with him about it, actually. I suddenly wished that he was not as hardcore-Catholic as he was. The selfish part of me wanted him to stay because I didn’t want to be alone, and also because it really just wasn’t the best time for my heart to break into pieces. It kind of puts a damper on the day-to-day, you know?

So even though I knew it was for the best, I rebelled against the idea at first. After a couple of weeks of hashing it out, I accepted the truth behind it and watched in awe as he walked away because he felt God was calling him to. While grieving the loss him was painful, confusing and not exactly how I wanted to spend my free time, at least I knew that it was a decision rooted in God. Eventually, the pain of losing that relationship subsided, I grew from the good and bad parts, and I met someone new. It’s like God had a plan all along or something… Weird.

Moral of this blog? Dating good Catholic men is the way to go, even if it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to at the time. If you truly have faith in God’s love, then you believe He knows the best plans for you, “plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11). So what may look and feel like heartache at the loss of one relationship, is really another step towards your true vocation.

Like this:

Related

This seems like common sense, but men should not start a dating relationship until they have discerned they want to get married. Group activities, having women fiends, “fun” dates, OK. But sharing your hear with an attractive woman? Need to be be ready, willing and able to marry. And gals, at the first recognition that this is not the case, bail out if you want a husband.

Trenton

I don’t know about that…. You can hurt people just as much if not more on those “fun” dates and avoiding the opposite sex all together is impossible, uncharitable and a *bad* idea. So in reality you can have all the *rules* you want. But the Holy spirit has some of his own. Sometimes God will bring things into your life you aren’t ready for. Hes not crazy or cruel often that is the only way God can get you ready. If you don’t buy that start polling priests. I know OF TWO who will flat out tell you that God called them to their vocations through a women they where dating. And the nun who presented to the Catholic singles says that one of the MOST COMMON ways women in end up in her order is their boyfriends talk the girls into going into a retreat “Just to see”. You expect discernment to be clean easy and play by *your* rules… well its called “Dieing to self” so what do you really expect?

Britt

It would be quite wonderful if every man we dated was fully self-actualized, and had discerned his call completely and entirely. My experience is that most men in my age group have discerned to some extent, and enter dating open to the vocation of marriage (and leaning toward marriage), but may still be open to religious life. I think that until you take vows either way, it is possible God may lead you another direction. I agree that men should not enter dating relationships if they don’t feel called to marriage, if they are leaning towards religious life or priesthood, or if they have no intention to discern marriage (i.e. dating for fun). Thanks for the comment!

Love it! The pro list could have been stronger, but I get what you were doing. Also “Emotional Brain” = Girl Brain!

Trenton

your equation is flawed… what? Seriously don’t set me up by implying you’ve done more stupid emotional stunts than I have. It would just be embarrassing for both of us.

Britt

Agreed! Thank you!

MOG

OK, so where are all these Catholic women? It seems to be like all the Catholic women over age 25 are waiting for a handsome prince on a white horse, not even giving a chance to most of men. Women, please be realistic! I don’t mean to lower your expectations or your standards, but to be more open. Unless y’all want to be old single ladies.

Women have more choices than ever before, so we are not forced to “settle”. I was with your statements until the last sentence which comes off more like a threat…don’t settle for less – unless you want to be old and single..

goldushapple

>>Women have more choices than ever before, so we are not forced to “settle”.

I’m not sure what you mean by this, but the tone it gives off is of entitlement – which isn’t not attractive.

I say this for the guys, but I think you need to hear it as well: You aren’t all that.

Trenton

This of course happens to Men as well. At the ‘discernment and service’ talk the catholic singles gave the speaker “a nun” said allot of her sisters went to their first discernment retreat because their boyfriends suggested it (she didn’t mention how tough that must have been for the guys). Of course this hasn’t exactly happened to me but I have had a few relationships die before they ever started because they were discerning. Yeah it makes you grow a little you know what God wants and what is the right thing to do and then you know you would have preferred something different in those situations you learn real love is letting someone go.

Guest

The flip-side would be to get into a marriage without proper consideration, and risk facing the reality of trying to keep together a union before God that should not have been — as gut wrenching any break up can be it would be better to discern properly and find out it wasn’t meant to be sooner, rather than much later; for example, after being miserable in a bad marriage for a couple of decades.

Joe Geisler

Oooh, do I get to be a troll on your blog? Good post, and congrats on taking the plunge to be a blogger. I’m gonna start a podcast myself. There just aren’t enough people online venting their bile, I think :-). I’m gonna have a pay-to-comment model though, I think. So that way trolls gotta pay to make nasty comments.

CJ

Great post! So glad you are writing for ACNM!

Britt

Thank you!

Bstar0306

Great article!

figuringitout

Thanks so much I’m going through this now and its hard to wrestle with these confusing feelings thanks again

Guest

On a future blog you may wish to describe the difference between Catholic men and really Catholic men. Then there are Catholic women and really Catholic women. Many men and women are not mature in their faith or have no faith and may not even consider faith when dating, much less do any discernment of any kind. The decision they make, especially if it does not involve God, may lead them down a path, using your words, that “also happens to be confusing, messy, disordered, and sometimes scary.” No path is easy, but some are much harder, and all will require God’s grace and support of the body of Christ, although there are many who may not realize that.

Shawn Rain Chapman

I have a teenaged daughter, and we are going to read this together as soon as she wants something. 😉 I will say, “Yes, as soon as you hang out with me for a minute and read this with me.” And then we’ll talk about it. Because this is really good. Thank you, Britt.

Britt Holan

Just saw this Shawn – thanks! It feels like so long ago that I wrote this.

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The Author

I am a native Texan, cradle Catholic, and lover of live music and all things chocolate. I graduated with my MA in Marriage, Couple and Family Counseling from Texas State University, and am currently a Licensed Professional Counselor. I love writing, and have been in love with it since the 3rd grade when I wrote a response to 'The Polar Express'. Ever since that day I have been writing about what I see, trying to make sense of myself and the world I live in.