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Thursday, May 31, 2007

All the Wobbly's Guinea Hens

Posted by
Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

***This is a Jesus' General Drudgian-Blue-Flashing-Light Worldwide Exclusive***

***Must Credit Jesus' General***

A couple of days ago, after considering the success Mrs. Malkin, Officer Floppy, Mr. Spades, and Chuck "Squeaky" Johnson have had pursuing their journalisms, I decided to join my fellow fighting keyboarders as the patriotsphere's newest cub reporter. Little did I know at the time that my first story would be the most groundbreaking and breathtaking piece of investigative journalism ever to clog the webtubes of our internets (yes, even greater than a Drudge Report scoop).

It all started when I was having a little alone time with the Second Amendment. I try to do that at least once a week. I wish everyone would take a few moments every now and then to tenderly caress its text, gently kiss its delicate characters, and express their love for it in the other, more private, ways a man can show his love for a piece of violence-enabling parchment.

Anyway, while lying there spent and exhausted, tenderly cradling my facsimile of the Bill of Rights, and lovingly admiring the curve of The Second's lettering, I suddenly noticed something I hadn't seen before: the flow and shape of the ink on parts of the First and Second Amendments differed from that found in the rest of the document. Indeed, the ink in the other amendments bore the distinguishing characteristics of something written with a quill made from the foremost right wing feather of a helmeted guinea fowl.

I immediately understood the importance of this discovery. It meant that much of what we know to be the Bill of Rights is actually a clever forgery. Given the fact that helmeted guinea fowl were not imported into this country until shortly before the War of Northern Aggression, such a quill would not have been available to our founding fathers. I also found it curious that a helmeted guinea fowl quill would be used at all since the first modern fountain pen was introduced in 1827 and was certainly in widespread use long before the fowl arrived.

Unable to make any sense out of these somewhat contradictory facts, I decided to do a content analysis of the changed portions and see where that would lead me. Immediately, I learned that my original impression was correct --everything after the Second Amendment was written with the suspect quill and therefore certainly forged. It was an amazing discovery. It meant that Our Leader was right all along: all of the inconvenient, libislamunistofascist rights like due process, self incrimination (which is an anti-torture provision), habeas corpus, search and seizure, etc. didn't really exist after all.

I also found that the remaining two amendments did not escape the forger's quill unscathed. Originally, the First Amendment was much shorter, stating only that "Congress shall pass a law respecting the establishment religion;" everything else was added by the forger. The Second Amendment was not so radically changed. The forger simply, yet cleverly, squeezed the phrase "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state" between the words "Amendment II" and "the right...".

So now I was left with a riddle: who would oppose a protestant state religion, want to limit the right to bear arms, and make it difficult to crush dissent? And how does the use of the helmeted guinea fowl quill during a time when the fountain pen was king fit in?

Then it struck me. I suddenly remembered that the Wobblislamunistofascists went on strike against the fountain pen bosses in 1909. Certainly, they wouldn't use fountain pens. Furthermore, the wobblislamunistofascist ranks were filled with ungrateful southern Europeans who had just recently invaded our borders, bringing the twin curses of leprosy and Romanism with them. Most assuredly, they would oppose a protestant state, and being foreigners they'd hate us for our freedoms including the right of the state to protect us by limiting our civil and human rights.

But it was in a final "ah ha" moment that I put it all together. I realized that when we say Romanist southern European, we really mean "Italian" or as our nativist ideological forefathers called them then (and this is what really seals it for me) "guineas!"

So there you have it, my contribution to patriotsphere journalism. I'm pretty proud of it. I think it puts me up there with Mrs. Malkin, Officer Floppy, Mr. Spades, and Little Green Chuck, don't you?