In one sense, the following review does contain some plot spoilers. I do plan to reveal some of the showdown’s background explanation. I will not, however, tell you about the fights or which side walks away victorious. I will not tell you who lives and who dies. I will not spoil anything important. If you’re the kind of person watching “Alien vs. Predator” to actually root for a side, you have nothing to fear from my review (so go ahead, read on). If you’re the kind of person watching “Alien vs. Predator” for an intellectually stimulating story, you’re definitely watching the wrong movie (so go ahead, read on anyway).

If you’re looking for someone to blame for the wreck that is “Alien vs. Predator,” try director Stephen Hopkins. Most recently responsible for the biopic “The Life and Death of Peter Sellers” and a handful of episodes of “24,” Hopkins is the man behind “Predator 2.” Why is this important, you might ask? The sequel featured an in-joke reference to the “Alien” franchise, with Alien skulls littering the Predator trophy room, and rumor says the reference gave birth to the showdown film. Yes, Mr. Hopkins, you’re to blame for “Alien vs. Predator,” and I don’t think we’ll ever forgive you.

I’m constantly amazed studios churn out these sci-fi sequels, because ultimately, they have a limited fan base and those fans are fickle. If you desecrate a beloved franchise, your name will forever be a curse word at conventions. Not being a fanboy for either series, I ultimately can’t say whether director and writer Paul W.S. Anderson will be praised or burned in effigy, but he does provide plenty of action between the two title icons. What he doesn’t provide is any substance, which is surprising after he infused a repetitive shoot-em-up video game with an interesting premise in “Resident Evil.” All “Alien vs. Predator” provides is plenty of gore, plenty of death and plenty of uninterested yawns.

Charles Bishop Wayland (“Aliens” alum Lance Henriksen), the CEO and co-founder of a massive business empire, has used his satellites to discover the heat signature of a pyramid buried beneath the Antarctic ice. Wanting to leave a legacy, the millionaire recruits a ragtag team of explorers, guides, scientists and mercenaries to drill down to the structure and discover its secrets. A few, like guide sexy Alexa (Sanaa Lathan), Italian pretty boy Sebastian (Raoul Bova) and goofy scientist Graeme (Ewen Bremner), actually get names and meaningless job titles, but ultimately, the humans are there to provide a catalyst for the war. Theoretically, you could make it into a fun drinking game; who’s going to be the next one to get offed and which side is going to get them? Will it be the random woman warrior or the requisite black muscle man? Place your bets now!

The one thing I will give the movie credit for is making the war actually seem plausible. “Freddy vs. Jason,” another gratuitous money-making scheme, only incidentally made them enemies. Freddy has to fight Jason because the machete-wielding killer was stealing the dream-haunting murderer’s victims. Apparently, they both had to go after the same set of sleazy teenagers. Starting during the dawn of civilization, the Predators make a centennial trek to the Alien-filled pyramid as a rite of passage. Not that we really care, but it’s nice that they made the effort.

Watching “Alien vs. Predator,” I was constantly reminded of another unnecessary sequel, the disastrous “Jurassic Park III.” It’s not because they share a common theme or meaningful plot — I’m not sure you could find either with a flashlight, map and compass — but because both show that even talented actors can be bought for the right amount of money. Filling the William H. Macy role, Lathan honestly looks uncomfortable spouting Anderson’s cheesy lines like “It’s a bomb. Well I hope it kills every fucking one of them.” Not quite as insightful as I expect from the “Love and Basketball” star. Sanaa, if you’re using this tripe as a paycheck so you can afford to take a smaller salary on smaller, better indie movies (like Macy claimed to be doing), then I’ll let this one slide. If not…well…I might not be as forgiving next time.

I ultimately know “Alien vs. Predator” is pretty much a review-proof movie. Either you’re a fan or you’re not. Interestingly, it seems like 20th Century Fox is trying to build a new fanbase with the movie, as it’s the first in either series to get a PG-13 rating. The violence, which is graphic, but also cartoony, is entertaining, but not enough to make me want to recommend this movie to anyone. I hope the hardcore fans will be satisfied, because it’s hard to imagine anyone else walking away happy.

“Alien vs. Predator” is not a good movie. I’ll state that as a fact. I do suspect it will be worthy for the fans, mostly because the two title stars do spend an awful lot of time walloping on each other. It’s a mildly entertaining movie that will easily be forgotten in ten years. “Alien,” “Aliens” and “Predator” may be remembered in movie history, but “Alien vs. Predator” is little more than a footnote.