Here’s Who’d Win An Oscar If None Of The Nominees Were Nominated

Don’t judge me – I’ve already booked Oscar-day off of work, so I can stay up until the wee hours of the morning, in nothing but soiled pants and coated in Doritos crumbs. Okay… Maybe judge a tad.

I’m just so damn hyped for the 90th Academy Awards.

But what if we were living in an alternate universe? What if Jerry chased Tom? What if I were actually good at wooing the opposite sex? And what if the likes of The Shape of Water and Dunkirk weren’t nominated for the golden lads?

Best Picture

This year has seen some incredible, astonishing, thrilling movies. And that one about effin’ emojis. So choosing a few nominees for the Best Picture was no easy task. But then again, if I told you the actual Academy chose a film that features a romance between Sally Hawkins and a stinky fish-man, you’d happy slap me.

The Big Sick

I, Tonya

All The Money In The World

Baby Driver

The Florida Project

Wonder Woman

Molly’s Game

Mudbound

Best Director

I really admire the directors in this category. Firstly, they’ve created some exceptional pieces of cinema this year. I also admire them because about 60% of them have nigh-on impossible names to spell. Cheers for making me type them out, lads.

Best Actress

Unless you’ve been living under a god-damn rock – a rock that’s on the moon, for that matter – some of these women have had a pretty rough year. I kinda wanna give Michelle the Oscar just for putting up with the shitty All The Money In The World lack of money reshoot debacle. (Okay, that’s not a catchy title, but go with it.)