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Its funny how after leaving something for a while, when you
finally do decide to come back to it, no matter how familiar it once was, there
is always a bit of a learning curve.

That is how I feel about blogging here again.The last time I visited this blog was one
dark Monday night at about 11:30pm, with tear splotched eyes.I hastily went through and deleted post after
post after post and left only those posts that I felt weren’t overly
personal.I was that lethal combination
of angry and broken, and I took it all out on this blog.

In order to spare you all the gory details, I will just say
that only hours before that night, someone brought to my attention that I was
an over-sharer here on this blog.Folks
were starting to worry about me.I was
revealing too many intimate details about my family and about myself, and
people were starting to feel concerned that I either was a.) really not okay or
b.) doing it for attention.

I wish I could say that I handled it with maturity and was
able to really process it logically and really examine the situation, but to
say that would be to lie.No, I flipped
out.I was angry. I was sad. I was
broken. I was hurt. I was confused.How
could something that I started in order to help people be something that was in
turn hurting me?Was I just some drama
queen looking for attention?Aren’t we
living in a world that yearns for more vulnerability and honesty?Why was I being rejected for sharing my
truth?What did I do wrong? Why was this wrong?

I had so many questions with no real answers, so in haste, I
did the only thing I felt like I could physically do to fix the situation…I
attacked my blog with vengeance and deleted more than a dozen posts.

The next few days, I walked around in a fog.I cried so many tears.I was still so angry.I felt cheated and betrayed.It wasn’t the blog so much as the accusations
that I felt were attached to it.I knew
that my blog was not one of those hills that I was going to die on, and yet, I
felt so completely humiliated and rejected at the thought of how I was being
perceived through my blog.It was such a
weird and hard combination of emotions and feelings.

But I will say this: it sent me to my knees in prayer like
never before.I cried out to God with a
voice so loud and strong that I am certain folks that live a kilometer away
could probably hear me. I begged God…pleaded with Him to show me if there was
any merit at all to what these people were saying to me and about me.I wanted to understand. I had tried so hard
to just use my love for writing to bring light and joy and truth to this world
and yet it was this very desire that was under attack.I felt that I was being stripped of the very
identity that I had wanted to give myself.

And there it was…right in plain few. I felt that I was being stripped of the very identity that I had
wanted so desperately to give myself.

My identity little by little was getting wrapped up in this
blog.Your likes, your comments, your
messages, your shares were like a drug that I couldn’t let go of.It was like you were saying that you like
me…you really, really like me!What
started as a well-intentioned attempt to just give people a glimpse into our
lives as missionaries morphed into an addiction and well-disguised plea for
your approval.

Ouch.

This blog.My
posts.My writing.My stories.All of it over time changed into something that made me feel valuable
and special.And the more likes,
comments, shares, etc. that I got just fed into that lie.I realized though as the years passed that
the more intimate and vulnerable the post, the more likes, comments, and shares
it received.So each time, I went just a
little deeper.

And I was hurting people I love along the way.

Because here is the thing, while I am a big fan of vulnerability
and freedom from the lie that we have to hide behind masks and filters in order
to be accepted and valued, I also realize that there are so many things that
are still quite sacred.My marriage, my
kids, my family, my friends, my life…my innermost thoughts…those things are all
still sacred or at least should be.I
should live vulnerably with those that are doing life with me, but the key is
doing that with those in my life…not on a blog post that is just sent out into
the cyber world.

So these last few months, I have done the only real thing
that I could think to do and that was to just stop writing.I didn’t stop writing all together.My journal is fuller than it has been in a
very long time.But I have stopped
writing here…or at least I had until tonight. Tonight I finally felt ready to
share just a little glimpse into why I stopped blogging and why so many of the
pieces you may have read this year and last year are suddenly gone from my
site.

I don’t know that I will give up blogging for good.Once in a while I may have something that I
just want to share, but for now at least, I have decided to just be present in
my life right where I am.I have decided
to live authentically and vulnerably with my people.

But more than anything, I have learned that having thousands
of followers on my blog or having people applaud me for my well-written pieces
will never bring me the joy and even satisfaction that I tend to think it
will.I don’t need to prove my worth as a Christian
as a wife as a mother or even as a missionary.I don’t need to be popular to
serve my God well.

And the most amazing thing has happened since I stopped
blogging…

I found so much more contentment in my life just as it
is.I stopped believing it was less than
or that it was lacking somehow.I just
decided to stop and just be…just be….just be right where I am right now.

The other night I was headed to the kitchen to try and
figure out what my crew was going to eat for dinner. On the way to the kitchen,
though, I had to step over 5 different bodies sprawled out all over my living
room. There were crayons and markers scattered everywhere.Beautiful coloring pictures of elaborate
cakes and butterflies were in the making.And I just got teary as I watched them.All I could think to say was,“God thank you for this.Thank you for all of this.I am so grateful that this is my life.Thank you for ordinary Thursday evenings when
I get to just be in my home with the ones that I loved.You are enough.This is enough.My life is enough.”

No one may ever remember a single thing I ever wrote.No one may ever even remember my name long
after I am gone.But if my kids and my
people here in my everyday life, remember the way we loved each other and
fought for each other and chose each other and pointed each other towards
Christ, then that is enough…it is more than enough.

It is and always will be a hundred times better than
thousands of likes, comments, and shares on social media.Every Single Time!

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Some bits and bobbits about this blog...

This blog is mostly just ramblings by yours truly. I talk about my ups and downs being a wife, mother, and missionary in Guatemala. I have a tendency to get off on "soapboxes" as those who love me say but it is my desire that this blog can be a place of encouragement in each of your pilgrimages with Christ. At any moment if this blog becomes more about me than about Christ, than it will be done and over...so please help me stay accountable. To God be all the Glory, Honor, and Power!