Jersey Shore Season 3 Episode 5 “Drunk Punch Love”

This episode would have been much more aptly titled had the producers called it “Quit Playing Games With My Heart.” See, it would work on several levels. You’ve got JWOWW still dealing with her weird breakup with Tom at their place in Long Island, Vinny meeting a girl with protective family in the area, Mike and Pauly trying to smash and, of course, a huge dose of Ronnie and Sammi drama. But hey, “Drunk Punch Love” is pretty clever.

Anyway, we start right where the last episode left off with JWOWW and Snooki in JWOWW’s house. In an effort to keep her ex Tom from stealing more of her stuff, the pair buy and try to install new locks, but, being inept, they try to install the deadbolt where the regular handle went. Meanwhile, back at the house, Snooki’s friend Ryder shows up for her visit, which is also to celebrate her 22nd birthday. It’s super awkward between her and Vinny, especially after they hooked up between Miami and now, but Deena takes Ryder out to enjoy happy hour. JWOWW and Snooki finally return with the dogs, which Pauly nicknames Snooki and Ryder, and then they all go out to the club. Highlights include Vinny meeting a nice Sicilian girl named Gina AND her overprotective uncle and other family members and Sammi losing her shit on Ronnie for talking to a girl who just gave birth to his friend’s baby.

They head back to the house and this is where things get weird and interesting. JWOWW brought Roger, Vinny brought Gina and Mike and Pauly have both brought girls back, plus you’ve got Ryder who disappears to pass out on the upper porch with Snooki at some point. Vinny, Pauly, Mike and their girls are hanging out in the kitchen eating pizza, while upstairs, Sammi’s grilling Ronnie once again. She’s kind of drunk and keeps saying something about him touching someone, but he has no idea what she’s talking about. Without much provocation, Ronnie finally says he’s done. She claims that if they’re done, then she needs to move out because she has no one in the house. I’ve never been so hopeful with an episode of Jersey Shore in my life. She goes down to get some pizza, but upstairs Ron is throwing her shit all over the room. She brings him a slice and doesn’t seem to notice the mess right away and he’s pissed that she didn’t bring him a protein shake. Pauly walks into the room to see what’s going on when Ronnie tells Sammi he doesn’t give a shit about her and his eyes go huge like a cartoon character.

Apparently once he got her back to the house, Pauly realized that his girl was something of a grenade and doesn’t want anything to do with her, but Mike’s still working on his girl. Vinny blows one of those horns that were super popular during the World Cup and the look on Mike’s face is just priceless, like Batman seeing the Batsignal in the sky. While trying to usher Pauly’s grenade out of the house, JWOWW sees Gina’s uncle and other family member walking up. This dude is kind of an asshole because JWOWW asks who he is and he asks who she is. That’s her house bro, have some manners. Luckily for everyone involved, Vinny and Gina were just sitting there nicely when the mafia rolled in. They pop inside and she gives him a peck on the cheek, but Vinny wisely says that she probably won’t be worth the trouble. Mike finally gets rid of the grenade and gets his girl into the guest room, but that’s not happening quite yet.

So Ronnie’s upset and spends a lot of the episode crying. JWOWW comes up to him and crouches down trying to console him, while constantly looking over her shoulder to make sure Sammi’s not coming up behind her (Sammi’s upstairs packing her stuff). There’s a pretty strange moment where JWOWW says the only reason she told Sammi about what Ronnie did in the letter is because she thought it would send her home. That’s pretty messed up right? Anyway, Ronnie moves outside where JWOWW tries to console him some more, but nothing flirty or over the line. Mike goes into Sammi’s room and asks if she has any condoms. She says no, but asks where Ronnie is and he tells her Ron’s talking to JWOWW, which flips her out. She jumps out of bed and stars yelling at him from the balcony off their room. She’s just harping, asking if Ronnie’s friends with JWOWW.

At this same time, the other roommates decide it’s time to celebrate Ryder’s birthday so they’re trying to get a cake to her while all this is going on. Sammi comes downstairs and starts in on Ronnie in closer proximity asking him over and over if he’s friends with Jenni. She slugs him when he doesn’t answer. Mike sees all this and comes down to see how his boy’s doing. The others sing happy birthday to Ryder. Sammi calls her mom to come get her. At this point, almost everyone goes up to Sammi and tells her to stay. Everyone but Ronnie, JWOWW and Deena who are all hanging out with each other. Ronnie tells JWOWW he’s going to make Sammi’s life miserable if she stays. I’m kind of shocked that everyone wanted her to stay with as much of a pain as she’s been. Vinny even compares her to Angelina, but in an attempt to keep her there so she can learn from her negative experiences. It’s all too weird. Mike’s girl is still waiting in the guest room. There’s a really funny moment where JWOWW gets up to get one of her dogs from Mike. The idea is that that one will shut the other one up so she can “get it in” from Roger. I wonder if that’s grammatically correct.

Anyway, early early the next day it looks like Ronnie and Deena have just been sitting in their same spots all night and Sammi’s been up in their room. Sammi comes down and apologizes to Ron and offers him to say whatever he wants to say to her because her mom’s coming to get her and she’s leaving. He just gets up and walks away. Upstairs. To cry some more. Sammi follows him once again and starts crying all up on him, then asks if he’ll go inside with her which he does. Then they cuddle in bed. And she apologizes some more. And she asks if he wants her to stay. And he says…yes. WHY GOD WHY?! Why did anyone have to open their stupid mouths and keep her there? Why couldn’t her awful stubbornness have actually made her leave? Hell, why didn’t her mom ACTUALLY leave to come get her?!

So, that happens. Ryder leaves that morning and the roommates settle down for a full Sunday dinner where Sammi thanks them for being cool and making her want to stay. Yeah, thanks a lot assholes. The rest of the episode breaks down like this: JWOWW and Roger go on a double date with Deena and that Dean dude. Also, Vinny and Snooki head out and she buys a stripper pole for the house. Later, the dudes head to the barber shop and word is being spread via Dean that Deena likes to lick butt, which is gross and she completely denies when the guys tell her they heard that later at the gym. Later at the club she tells Dean off for spreading lies about her. Good for her. Also at the club, JWOWW goes over to see if Ronnie and Sammi want a drink and Sammi winds up going to the bar with her. Looks like they’ve patched things up. Great.

Okay, I’m all for people being forgiving and trying to become better people, but I don’t see that as happening here. Sammi’s a mean, spiteful witch on this show and either needs to make an effort to get past Ronnie’s infidelities (whatever they may be) or just stop being with him. Bringing that shit up all the time just won’t work. However, I will accept at least an episode or two where everyone acts like they get along. I know the big fights probably get the viewers all excited, but it really makes for excruciating TV sometimes.