today i went to watch 8 mile. and it was a whole bunch of "beep dawg yo ass homegirl whatup whatup peace out mothabeepbeep!". but with the help of chinese subtitles, i managed to translate the whole big bunch of ebonics into proper singlish and it was quite a nice movie. i was so inspired that i wrote my own rap! it only has 4 lines but it rhymes and everything and it involves a homegirl called mary and her sheep, dawg! its 100% original too! peace out!

and today is chinese new year's eve so i am staying up really late to make sure my parents live to a ripe old age and they can spend much of that ripe old age happily burping their great-grandchildren and cheerfully polishing their dentures! and tomorrow i will finally be able to wear the nice new clothes that i bought! i cannot wear them before tomorrow! i dont know why! and we have to leave the light on outside our house overnight tonight! and i dont know why again! anyway i had better rearrange my cash drawer and make space for more. just in case.

| mando | 6:13 AM

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Thursday, January 30, 2003

today i went shopping with jasper and shawn for jasper's posh new year clothes. apparently there are no posh new year clothes that dont have lots of dragons and assorted chinese characters in neon green in them at bugis. and there are no clothes for guys! anywhere! but i dont see any men walking around wearing skirts and pink lacy tops! why is that?

tomorrow is chinese new year's eve! and to celebrate, we're all going to put on hats for no good reason and walk around and watch 8 mile! anyone who doesnt have a hat on has to pay for lunch! i will masking tape my hat on and hope that there is a strong wind tomorrow. i bought new clothes! they're very nice. and i really want to wear them tomorrow but im not supposed to wear them until new year's d- ahh! what's happening?! why are the pants moving towards me? oh no! the spaghetti top is surrounding me too! no! no! get off my leg, you nice pair of blue pants! stop it!

| mando | 4:29 AM

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Tuesday, January 28, 2003

i just read on zhu's blog that she's really excited about the sandcastle building competition on valentines day! we are too! what better way is there to celebrate a day of love and smooching than not smooching but instead making large piles of sand with windows and sticks sticking out of it? shawn only knows how to dig big holes so i think he will be our official big hole digger! and if we cant make a nice professional sandcastle, my plan is to dig a big hole, stick kianleong in it, and build him a mermaid body! if that doesnt win i dont know what will. i had better start looking for my yellow plastic spade and my pink plastic pail with the crab on it.

today bang got lampposted twice! if you dont know what lampposting is, its when a guy just happens to have his legs grabbed by two other guys, and those two other guys run on either side of a large pole. its traditionally a joyous and mature way to celebrate a man's birthday. i dont know what the guys are going to do to bang on his real birthday. anyway jasper captured the happy occasion on my camera. what a big unsuspecting smile bang has on his face!

on the bright side of life, bang may now be the only person in the world who is able to pee into the next urinal.

| mando | 4:00 AM

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Monday, January 27, 2003

yesterday i had lots of problems breathing in and breathing out. mostly because it was quite painful to breathe in and breathe out. and yesterday was church, and it has never been so ouchful to sing praises to God before. and i couldnt go for training because i was a little worried that my ribcage would crumble and my lungs would pop out of my nose. that would be really unattractive.

| mando | 5:06 AM

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Saturday, January 25, 2003

a couple of days ago the boys found a voodoo doll in the LT. it had a good side with poke points that say things like "good sex" and "lose weight" and "win lottery". and it had a bad side with "no sex" and "gain weight" and "stock market crash". and you have to tie something belonging to the person that you want to fatten up to the doll. so jasper took it home and the next day we were pulling out shawn's white hair during maths lecture and jianyang gave jasper a shawnhair. i dont think shawn is going to have any children, ever.

yesterday i went to the stadium cove market with xingning and xingning bought some fisherman pants. fishermen wear very expensive pants! and i bought a pink purse with a pink elephant on one side and on the other side it says "elephant juice". very tasty, elephant juice. provides lots of vitamin E and fibre.

and during training, mr tan the coach decided that that day would be osotogari day! and it happens that people celebrate osotogari day by balancing continuously on their left legs with their right foot on their left knee for dangerous amounts of time! and they also jump up and down on their left legs 300 times to express their joy over osotogari! i now walk sideways with a limp in honour of osotogari day.

today at starbucks while i was studying mammalian transport a bunch of girls came into the cafe and started having a deep and intellectual discussion about religion. "like, karma, is really good for you. especially that yoga part, it's like, totally butt-trimming." "i mean, that buddha guy, right? he's like a fat jolly smiling guy! like santa! he's gotta be good." i was quite enjoying it until i realised that i couldn't concentrate on blood anymore and i had to go away.

| mando | 9:18 PM

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Thursday, January 23, 2003

today during tuition i answered lots of questions correctly! and i asked lots of questions! i think i have intellectual curiousity! go me!

yesterday was the j1 girls' first day at judo. man are they tough. one of them asked me if our gis came in different colours, like pink with flowers? well no, sadly we are all out of the pink with flowers, would you like the blue with butterflies instead? and they keep giggling and screaming and gasping. i hope we weren't so giggly and screamy and gaspy a year ago.

i just got my rjc bear today! she has on a little rjc blouse and a little rjc skirt, and her head is tilted to the side which makes her look like she either is trying to be coy or is having neck cramp. i will call her little amanda or fuzzymanda until i find a more imaginative name for her.

| mando | 6:12 AM

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Tuesday, January 21, 2003

today i came to school in a cute little bus. and that 'little' in between 'cute' and 'bus', well it really means something. i nearly had to sleep with my head tucked under my arm and im suffering from whiplash! but anyhoo i have now seen the mysterious mr tan bok face to face. and he gave me ten dollars for my taxifare yesterday! go mr tan bok! whoohoo!

so i spent my tan bok money on studying at starbucks. and i found out that the liver has 13 functions! thirteen! thirteen long, boring functions!

and i took a hepatitis B blood test today! xingning and ghim and shawn and dehan got rejected. and the rest of us were the privileged few who got to have a needle shoved up our arms! hooray! but it was the funniest blood test i've ever taken. sitting inbetween yucai and jasper on the waiting chairs is NOT good preparation for an injection. the nurses were very not amused with us though. maybe that's why she kept pushing and pulling the plunger out of the syringe while it was still in my arm.

today i had a pretty traumatic morning. i woke up at 5.30 and walked around while eating a butterfly and putting on my socks and doing up my buttons. then at 6.15 the bus company called me and told me that the school bus would be a little late. it turned out to be quite a lot late. and the uncle didn't know where anyone lived. then we asked the uncle to kindly let us down so that we could take a taxi to school. except we asked in quite a threatening voice. but he wouldn't let us off his bus. i guess the illegal organs trade is doing pretty well. anyway eventually we managed to threaten ourselves off the bus and to school. and the company has kindly discharged that uncle and the big boss, mr tan bok, is driving us to school himself for the next two weeks. mr tan bok! the guy who's name has been on my bus card since i was thirteen! mr tan bok, we finally meet face to face!

today gen was flo for an advertisement for the raffles amazing race. she makes a very convincing flo, what with all the accusing beating and screeching.

| mando | 5:32 AM

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Sunday, January 19, 2003

today i learned in church that you should not give God a slice of yourself, not even if it's a big slice with one of those chocolate words on them. so i will try not to slice myself anymore!

| mando | 4:06 AM

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Saturday, January 18, 2003

yesteday was cca fest and i had a nice morning persuading people to take off their shoes and beat me up. all the j1 girls were practically waving lacy hankies around and fluffing their petticoats and going "oh my goodness! does it hurt? is it very painful?" and i was trying to rearrange my face into a no-no-this-doesnt-hurt-at-all-although-you-just-knocked-all-the-oxygen-out-of-my-lungs expression and say no no this doesnt hurt at all. anyway huiyi makes a very good damsel in distress for our damsel in distress skit. we wrote our signup sheets in pink marker and when i tried to convince my junior that you can still be feminine while beating people up and that the canoeists were more manly than we are, she said that the canoeing signup sheet was printed on pink paper. foiled again!

and then me and dehan walked around with our junior class during faculty orientation while they were playing human cluedo and watched them harrass people who were walking around pretending to be murderers. gary makes a very nice murder victim. gen makes a very convincing psychotic girlfriend! anyway me and dehan were both called "guardians" which means that i now have a very nice sticker that says "guardian" on it!

and then i went to centro with angela and xingning. yay! it was my first time going clubbing and stuff, so i didnt know what to do, but it was very nice being a mountain potato in nice pink pants! anyway the people at centro are very obsessed about your cups. when your cup is half empty they jump on you and try to take your nice drink away. and then when you still want your ice because you like ice they jump on you again and try to take your nice ice away. i think they dont have enough cups. anyway the deejay was some guy from twisted records who is doing his asian tour. poor asia. from the moment we stepped into the place until the moment we left he was playing the same thing that sounded like construction noise with a little bit of microphone feedback thrown in. you know, for fun, because microphone feedback's always fun. and the only words i heard from the speaker the whole night were "your house my house your house my house". which makes truckloads of sense, let me tell you. your house my house has deep and complicated meanings. anyway yesterday night i learned that it is very hard to dance properly to construction noise and microphone feedback. it was a good thing he was sitting behind a plastic screen. otherwise he might have gotten a nice half-full drink cup in his head. but anyhoo, it was nice dancing around with angela and xingning and gen even if it was construction music. thanks angela and xingning and gen!

| mando | 7:44 PM

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Friday, January 17, 2003

today my mom gave me a refill box of tissue and i was just thinking how useful tissues were when she kindly informed me that it was a present from my aunt. what a handy and thoughtful gift! giving lavish useless things like big stuffed animals and large gold bars is totally passe. the gift idea of the millenium : tissue!

today during pe we were supposed to run the canal route. unfortunately we didn't manage to make it to the canal because we got lost and distracted by all the small drains instead. and a lot of the girls got distracted by dogs and cats and random animals that looked cuddly.

tomorrow is cca fest and i have to jump around and show all the j1s how not painful judo is! i just have to keep quiet about how "the gentle way" has done bad things to my neck, back, ankles, knees, elbows, ribs, and most toes and fingers in general. xingning will be painting herself and becoming a silver person who stands still and reaches out once in awhile to poke people. while she is standing still i think i will walk by and poke her.

| mando | 4:06 AM

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Wednesday, January 15, 2003

i have a brand new lump on the right side of my face! and its all because when my face was being slammed onto the floor, someone's fist was in the middle of my face and the floor! i cannot sleep on my right side anymore. and it's all the fist's fault! luckily it doesnt hurt unless i poke it. if i let it just sit beside my eye and do its own little lump thing it doesnt give me any trouble.

today we met our junior class. i hope we didnt look like we were going to eat them.

| mando | 5:28 AM

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Tuesday, January 14, 2003

the showerhead keeps falling out from its hook and attacking me during my bathtime. so my mother called in some guy to put in a brand new hook and now my showerhead is very obedient and has stopped trying to end my life.

jasper's friend just went to lots of bits of europe and im looking at the pictures now. they all show these places where you expect little german men with little german overalls and little german feathered caps to jump out and do a little german dance. i want to go to europe!

anyway today we watched a GP documentary about communist rebel groups and how they're becoming a bunch of terrorists instead of a bunch of hoity-toity politically incorrect guys. and there was this group called FARC. yes. FARC. you could hear the voice-over dude trying very hard to pronounce the R very carefully. anyhoo, they have bought a patch of land on which to grow a whole bunch of cocaine to fund their FARC activities. and they have called this place the FARClands. yes. the FARClands. i wonder what their members are called?

| mando | 5:51 AM

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Monday, January 13, 2003

today during training i bench-pressed myself into a riproaring headache! i think i nearly bust a blood vessel! exercising is bad for your health! the government lied to us! they lied!

lots of people have said yes to going to see oliver and that makes me a very happy amanda! there is nothing i like better than to see starving orphans singing and dancing their bony selves around the stage. except maybe a handsome man in old time clothes dancing his handsome self around the stage in the rain.

| mando | 6:21 AM

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Sunday, January 12, 2003

today i had a judo competition so and i was preparing myself to go there and play for three minutes and then do nothing for the rest of the day. but i ended up playing for four and a half minutes and then doing nothing for the rest of the day. somehow i managed to win the bout with cat by a very small nose and then had to fight with this very tall girl. melissa told me that since she was tall i should play low play very low. but before i got a chance to play low play very low the very tall girl had slammed me onto the floor on my front and which squished my lungs entirely. its pretty painful having your lungs squished entirely. if i were a superhero i would probably be pancake girl. anyway before i started fighting her i was trying to shout into her face to scare her but i think i scared myself more than i scared her. which led to the being squished. but it was a nice day because caroline won a gold medal! whoopee! and mingli won a silver medal! whoopee!

then i went to starbucks to be industrious. and i was distracted from being industrious by this couple of girls who obviously had a bunch of deep and complicated feelings for each other and they were busy expressing those deep and complicated feelings on the starbucks sofa. so i kept looking from my chemistry to the deep and complicated feelings and back again to the chemistry.

on another less gay note, the funky indian guy at starbucks called me dearie. i think it was the pink hairband that makes people call you dearie. shawn said i should have winked at him for free coffee. i told him that he should have winked at him to get free scalding hot coffee in his lap. and then he could have put a nice coffee cup in his lap to catch the free coffee and we could all get jumpy and caffienated for free!

| mando | 4:52 AM

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Saturday, January 11, 2003

today i went to another one of those free talks and spent the afternoon listening to speeches about ears noses and throats and feeling very tired. i didn't want to put my head on the table and fall asleep because i wouldn't look sophisticated. so instead i spent my time almost falling asleep on the shoulders of doctors left right back and forward. but i learned that growth-stimulating hormone is secreted in very deep sleep! finally i have a reasonable explanation! shawn and dehan must sleep very soundly.

tomorrow i have a competition and i don't know how im supposed to fling people around with the right side of my back asking me whatever did he do to make me hate him so much and my left ankle complaining away and my right kneecap getting revenge on me for those other two. all i can do now is pray very hard that tomorrow God will suddenly feel like reversing that whole gravity thing which will make it much easier on my back and my ankle and my kneecap.

| mando | 4:51 AM

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Friday, January 10, 2003

today after PE angela's calf muscles started aching. miss lim said that one of her leg muscles was stronger than the other nearby leg muscle and was trying to pull it around. angela is so powerful that even the muscles in her body like to fight with each other. anyway today while trying to keep up with angela's jogging speed, i managed to move up from 2.27 mins a lap on the first lap, to 1.55 mins on the second lap! jogging with angela is like flying. flying is very exhausting.

and then i stayed back for three hours to watch O night and be the most enthusiastic J2s in the entire school! being enthusiastic J2s is very exhausting. i am very exhausted. but it was nice to see chris's dragonball hair and see alex's cheesy grin and see everybody run around and be enthusiastic.

tomorrow i have training at 8 in the morning. wonderful. i am delighted. see me smile. and as i was walking normally along the road with a smile on my face and a thought in my head that i could not possibly get hurt while walking normally like this, my foot started to hurt! for no reason! whoop de doo!

| mando | 7:13 AM

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Thursday, January 09, 2003

i just finished tuition and apparently current through a d.c. circuit is like a bunch of ants running around trying to find a path with no water puddles to run through. most of the smart ants run through nice dry roads but a few stupid ants run through roads with lots of water and drown. i guess tuition teachers are quite hard pressed for new analogies these days.

today jasper brought his amanimal to school! yaay! everyone should bring amanimals to school! anyway his amanimal keeps jumping off the physics lab tables and trying to commit suicide. oh no! i've created retarded beings! i knew i shouldn't have played God! the next amanimals i make will have smarter stuffing.

tziyang just got off to a rather bad start with his new class. i guess you get off to bad starts with people by yelling at them. i miss tziyang. we traded him in for a much quieter model called bernadette. they only have one thing in common which is that they are always not there.

| mando | 5:42 AM

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Wednesday, January 08, 2003

shawnimals.com is having a "guest artist" section starting on the 15th of january where other people who make stuffed toys can be the guest artist and show off their stuffed stuff! i could be a guest artist and have the whole world grovel at my feet and kiss my stuffed-toy-making hands. or, i could be sued by shawn from shawnimals for plagarism.

anyway today i busted my knee again and my back so hopefully i won't have to bounce around on my knees or abseil down a cliff anytime soon.

| mando | 5:14 AM

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Tuesday, January 07, 2003

the j1s are all having fun running around outside and shouting at each other and throwing things at each other and we're drawing graphs. i feel very very old. i feel like a beard should be coming out of my chin and a lot of extra skin should be hanging from my face because instead of running around with waterbombs i'm doing lots of graphs! anyway it was fun seeing kianleong be very enthusiastic about raffles and keep shaking his chest around and shouting "limmmbo!!!"

anyway xingning just gave me my christmas present! you've seen the real jackie chan, you've seen the cartoon jackie chan, now see plush jackie chan!

real jackie chan can take out five bad guys single handedly! cartoon jackie chan can take out fifty bad guys while ordering pizza and doing an irish jig on the top of a moving train! plush jackie chan can look very cute and pick up lots of dirt! he's very cute. and he has a badge that xingning attached to him that says "i know KARATE. and a few other oriental words." heh heh heh heh. thank you xingning!

and ghim gave me a late birthday present that is mondo cool! because of ghim, i now own my very own kawasaki ninja motorbike! its red! and its beeyootiful! and i will have to shrink down to the size of my index finger to sit on it but it's fantastic! it has a kickstand and rearview mirrors and everything! i spent a good part of last night driving my motorcycle off my walls and off the tabletop onto the sideboard. thank you ghim!

| mando | 3:39 AM

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Sunday, January 05, 2003

tomorrow i can walk around proudly looking at my feet because my feet will be smiling happily in their new shoes! whoopdeedoo!

anyway, jenny from www.jenny.blogspot.com is getting married! whoa! i've been reading her blog for ages and looking at all the very useless and highly entertaining things like finding out what you would do if you were a brand name! the illustrious name of Amanda is apparently a credit card that swears! so hand over all your money you #@$&!! you have exceeded your $#@%$ing limit you $@!!#$^%!

so anyway, jenny's getting married to aaron, which is very nice and i wish them lots of happy years with many hugs and kisses and dogs and kids and tomatoes in their nice garden at the back of jenny's house. they are a very very cute couple! anyway just thinking about getting married made me think of the bride n groom bendo dolls! they come from the same family as chops the karate bendo, just that they have to deal with top hats and petticoats and family planning. so you could put them on the top of your wedding cake and they could hug each other with their bendy arms, or do bendy karate kicks on the icing!

| mando | 5:04 AM

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Saturday, January 04, 2003

today was the first training of the year! i think our coach thinks its a good thing to start the year with some internal injuries! i also did something to my neck which means i cannot look towards the left without turning my upper body which means if a car was going to hit me from the left i would be pretty dead. anyway i played 8 bouts, which is the most i have ever played in one training, which means i took a very long afternoon nap. and i had the creepiest dream which i haven't had since i was 14.

so we're on holiday and we go to this creepy macdonalds village to eat dinner and then suddenly the cops start running around and everyone starts running around like headless chickens. and then this teacher tells us that she's being chased for committing some crime that she didn't do. so then she runs us outside and tries to find a cab for us to get into, but as usual those taxi drivers are at some coffeeshop drinking coffee and not driving their cabs. so then she tells us to "run! run!". which makes no sense because we didn't do anything except eat french fries! but we're stupid kids so we run run and then duck into this funny shop with a policeman after us and eventually the naughty policeman goes away. then we run around and finally find a taxi with a sleazy looking taxi driver in it. but being the desperate running away from something that doesnt concern us whatsoever people we are, we get into his cab and we drive off in our sleazy way. and then eventually my brother tells him we're running away from the cops. yay. and sleazycabbie wants to turn us in and do his civic duty. back in sec2 he managed to haul us off to the police station. but in the new updated version i bribe him with a hundred bucks. and then i wake up before i have a chance to dance around at home after outwitting the police. i couldn't enjoy my dream victory all because i needed to pee! damn!

| mando | 4:21 AM

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Friday, January 03, 2003

today i bought a pair of spankin new shoes! its nice not to have your feet slip out of your shoes every time you take a step. anyway i spent ten minutes clomping around the living room in my new shoes and looking at myself with my new shoes in the tv screen! and again the neighbours are probably dialling the worn-out buttons to the asylum hotline! anyway the worst thing is i can only wear my new shoes on monday! no! no!

and i got quite a crappyass SAT score, so yucai sent me a site listing the average scores of schools in america to cheer me up! it really made my day. it also made me want to study overseas.

| mando | 5:10 AM

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Thursday, January 02, 2003

today was a very nice first day of school! at first i thought i got up the wrong schoolbus because the guy sitting inside was wearing blue pants instead of white pants. but then michelle said oei so i realised that i was on the right bus after all. and then instead of picking up the usual four people from last year, the bus kept going in circles picking up more and more people and so instead of getting to school at the usual ungodly 6.55am, we got there at a nice i-must-run-fast-fast-into-the-carpark time! and my friend who went to india gave me an elephant that is 1/1000th the size of a regular elephant! it's very pretty, and doesn't make half as much mess as a regular elephant would! thank you timo! and another friend who went to america got me a las vegan (do vegans come from vegas? hmm. what a completely irrelevant thought!) licence plate keychain that says "las vegas AMANDA". dickson got one that says "las vegas DICK". that keychain makes him out to be a huge stud! anyway, thank you shawn!

and then i run into the canteen just in time to see all the judokas, and then i run into the carpark just in time to sing the marikita. and it was so nice to see everybody wearing the shiny white uniform and the horrible bright green skirt! ahh, that horrible bright green skirt. anyway later on we found out that we will be spending a lot of the year in air con comfort because TS18 is now our homeroom baby, yeah! hours of bliss freezing our various limbs off! it's going to be great!

the nicest part of today was seeing everybody doing their usual everyday stuff, like folding the cruel intentions poster into a strategic -ahem! cleavagy!- square (you know what i'm talking about shawn!) and cursing america and eating butterflies. too bad most of that will have to be disturbed by lots of you know, like, studying, and like, stuff.

then we went to watch the gangs of new york. it was very gory. very thought provoking. it provoked thoughts like "how many gallons of fake blood is enough to fill a wading pool?" and "did he just paste a toilet brush above his upper lip?". i think the butcher would have looked like a big wimp if he wasn't so good at throwing choppers around into people's backs and heads and everything.

and then i come home to find a birthday present that my cousin left on my table! it turned out to be a wrist rest for my computer keyboard with a very cheerful looking bee on it! and i was just thinking yesterday that man were my wrists getting chapped from writing all these messages about sandra bullock taking a bomb in someone's trailer, and wouldn't it be nice if i had a nice wrist rest with a cheerful looking bee on it to rest my wrists on? thank you mei!

| mando | 7:29 AM

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Wednesday, January 01, 2003

is there a better way to spend the new year than sitting around all day in your pyjamas and looking very casually at homework that you haven't done? what? do i hear a "go out and party?" sit down, you stupid wet blanket.

anyway tomorrow i can go back to school! i can wake up before mr sun wakes up and eat a dry breakfast with my mouth all dry and fuzzy and put my shirt on inside out (this actually happened) and fall asleep in the school bus with my mouth open looking like i'm trying to eat the person in front of me. and then when i get to school i can hop around in the toilet happily trying to avoid the early morning cockroaches. whoopee. i am so enthusiastic. but then i get to see everybody! and we don't even have to spend money on a movie or going bowling or playing pool! oh. wait a minute.