Thursday, April 22, 2010

A letter to Sonia, a Pakistani delight.

Of a broken knee and a want to pee. (An ode to the knights who say ‘Kni’*)

Pain in the knee. Sophistication in the hairdo. Extension beyond the planet’s surface. Amongst other things that are common to you and me, we could havealso toasted to incredibly tall friends.

But then you don’t drink. And you are not incredibly tall.

But then.

***

I also know you secretly wish I read titles like “Sleazy Emotions” by Mills & Boons, available in hardbound and paperback no less! Unfortunately I am displeased by the presence of hope and promise-related actions and its abysmal real life performance. The profusely occurrences of some such alone makes those books a Colossal Waste of Newsprint (CWN. Yes, I can abbreviate). What is hope but unknowingly accumulated cartilage that makes just another third broken knee?

I enjoy paraphrasing. What do you prefer? - “I did so because I thought there was hope of being with her” or “I was fucked in the mind”?

But then.

***

I have a question for you.

Have you ever been in the clutches of something as cruel as unrequited love and an urge to urinate, both at the same time no less?! Quickly, I shall abbreviate this: ULUU (Unrequited Love and an Urge to Urinate)

I cannot resist another question. Here it is:

Where do you hide your porn?

It’s most certainly not hard to tell which one hurts more when they occur in unison. Flogged by unrequited love, enchanted by lies, it was two weeks ago when I was stranded over-dressed, staring at long broken third knees, when a thought hit me right in my face.

I wanted urinate away to glory. Relief is best when experienced with a shiver.

But then.

***

Long time ago, way before parking in drive ways was ticketed and heart transplants were construed, and before the invention of a wheel and a God, even before time itself, thrived a few wise men – short, naked, notorious and keenest for fame. They knew they were about to stumble upon a weapon stronger than which there shall never be. “What kind”? You might ask. I am sure you are thinking: “Is there a stronger weapon/ threat to mankind than ‘love’? Oh wait, I get it. Are you talking about odour bombs? Ha! You too think New Jersey is a threat to mankind!” Or maybe you are rolling your eyes to convey, “such gibberish, I rather go back to the chapter where the rich suave handsome man walks his boss’ wife onto his yacht and suddenly a turn of events unfathomable to a developed mind result in Kenny G playing on radio that very same moment”, and then, I know your eyes bulge out in devouring affection.

Long time ago, before dining tables, hairstyling and CWN.

***

“There shall always be a short wise man and a foolish friend he shall be”, they said. “Nudity and fame he shall want but neither shall he be famous while nude nor shall he ever be nude when famous. Besotted he shall be with fellow beings, stonkered he shall get with them.”

Way before rhymes and clock towers playing chimes.

***

“Then there shall be tall ones - towering, mob-minded, sleek and keenest for hope”. The eldest of the wise managed to unleash a nervous smile, the younger ones noticed and followed with an accurate replication. “And then …” The eldest touched his forehead to the ground, an act through which they believed they conveyed their capitulation to their new weapon.

But then.

***

Long before order, flags, and amulets.

“And then the tall ones shall voice something that it not.” The eldest looked around as though waiting for an appreciation. He rummaged for a manifestation of fright and respect at the same time.

But then.

“A certain girl shall always be the arc-boutant. She shall hold it all together. Always.” His face lit up like that of an artist pleased with his improvisation. “Short, naked, notorious and keenest for fame – we shall remain not. Shattered, nauseated, feeble we shall be, just like my decrepit knee.” Everyone looked at his broken knee and felt a quiver emerge in their neck and shoot down their knees. “That quiver has a cure that shall never be able to cure. And now …”

***

Trust and belief are illusionary drugs. Hope fuels it.

A displeased and unconvinced younger wise man mumbled to himself. “But then.” This younger one would later stumble upon ‘time’.

***

“ … now I shall go pee.”

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking “ULUU”. That’s right!

The elder one later invented golf as a way to kill people (by making them watch it). He would also head a team that invented the “beer-chugging and hugging, along with kissing friends while their roommates are sleeping” act.He would go on to win the “I am tall and look like a filmstar” garment made out of leaves. The award is given away by the “I am lame but you cannot tell” academy headquartered at “New Jerk City”.

One question remains.

Where do you hide your porn?!

***

Next time I shall write it out in a pen. My favorite Pakistani, take one, I bow. Time to sign off.