Doc in the Box

Doc in the Box (hereby known as DB, for douche-bag): What brings you in today?

Barista: I need something for anxiety. I have to fly a few times in the next week and I’m absolutely terrified.

DB: Oh…yeah, I really don’t like prescribing that kind of stuff.

Barista: Um….but it’s what I need.

DB: Well you came to the wrong place. You should have gone to see your primary care physician.

Barista: You are my primary care physician.

DB: Well, I don’t like writing a prescription for that stuff. You should find another PCP.

Barista: But you are my PCP and I’ve been here for two hours. Are you suggesting I take my business elsewhere right now?

DB: Not really, I’m just not going to give you any of that stuff.

Barista: Define “that stuff”. I would like some generic Xanax. Not crack.

DB: Oh, I know. But that stuff lasts a really long time.

Baristra: Perfect, I’ve got a cross-country flight.

DB: But it lasts like 15 hours and I really don’t like it.

Barista: But it’s not for you, so problem solved. You know what I really don’t like? Flying.

DB: Well, how do I know you’re not going all over town trying to get prescriptions for controlled substances that you are going to abuse?

Barista: Are you implying that I look like a junkie?

DB: Not, not at all! But you never can tell.

Barista: Right. Are you going to write the prescription or not?

DB: Let me check your records and make sure that this office really is your primary care provider…and let me see how many times you’ve asked for a controlled substance in the past and I’ll let you know.

Barista: ……………

DB leaves and comes back 15 minutes later.

DB: You really should get a new job.

Barista: WHAT?

DB: If you hate flying so much you should find a new job.

Barista: I never mentioned work. So in the last few minutes I went from a junkie to a business traveler. Are you giving me a prescription or NOT?

DB: Oh, you’re not flying for work? Well then you should just drive.

Barista: I mentioned a cross-country flight several times now. Are we all done here with the Q&A? It’s still unclear if you are going to help me or not.

DB: Your record shows that we’ve only prescribed this for you twice, so I am going to give you 10 pills. NO refills. And we’re never going to write you another prescription for this again, understand? You should learn to enjoy flying.

Barista: I’ll work on that right after I find a new primary care physician.

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