Cutting Whiskey With Diet Soda Will Get You Hammered

To the wild-eyed booze enthusiast, it is a sometimes-necessary evil to cut 80 proof whiskey with diet soda, to keep that girlish figure without having to throw your balls up over your shoulders and just do shots. Good news, friends -- it's also an efficient way to get tanked.

New research finds that those who go pansy-dancing with their bourbon mixers in an attempt to keep their bulging guts in check are actually setting themselves up to get drunker faster. Of course the bad news is that this will more than likely will lead them into the dreaded pit of remorseful drunkenness and next-day regret. Ah, you win some, you lose some.

According to a new study titled 'Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research,' people who cut their booze with diet soda absorb more alcohol than those who use regular, sugar-sweetened colas. The science behind this phenomenon lies in the way our bodies treat sugary drinks. Similarly to the way they would treat a fully-loaded cheeseburger or a pizza, alcohol cut with sugary mixers are absorbed into the bloodstream at a slower rate, thus creating a slower trip to Drunktown USA (if only that were a real theme park...)

Diet drinks bypass this metabolic filtration process, and causes a rapid surge in a person's breath alcohol concentration, which ultimately gives them the same effect as if they were drinking on an empty stomach. Note: Anyone who has ever gone on a fierce whiskey or rum bender knows that doing so on an empty stomach will lead to three things: vomiting, a rotten hangover and vomiting. Yes we mentioned vomiting twice – you will most likely do it at least twice.

Health experts agree that people with a voracious appetite to discover what is at the bottom of their favorite bottle would be well-advised to avoid diet soda and eat a decent meal prior to any debaucherous drinking; it may be the difference between having a good time and a tragic misunderstanding with the fickle lady named brown liquor.