Dealing With A Breakup

How To Deal With A Breakup - Without Closure

Reader's Question

Dear AskMen,

Last week, my girlfriend of five years dumped me. It wasn’t a long, drawn-out breakup with hours of crying, heated exchanges and days’ worth of phones calls and texts and emails and constant contact even though it was all over. It was exactly the opposite.

She showed up at my job, asked to talk in the parking lot and told me she’d been thinking about it for some time and that she thinks we should both move on. She had a box of my stuff in the car and asked if I’d mail anything of hers to her apartment. And that was it.

We haven’t spoken since that day. We didn’t live together so there was no “moving out” and there haven’t been any instances of bumping into one another. I’ve tried to talk it out but she won’t return my calls. She won’t answer any texts. I haven’t tried the “just show up at her door or office” route, but I’m seriously considering it.

It came out of left field. I’m upset about it but I haven’t really had a moment to grieve or assess the situation because I’ve been so damn angry about the way she dropped off the face of the earth.

I don’t care if it’s another dude, or she fell out of love, or she is shaving her head and joining a cult. I just need to know what the hell happened.

What do I do?

Best,

Robert

AskMen's Response

Dear Robert,

Before we give our answer, we want to preface it by saying every relationship is completely different. There is no perfect answer for how to break up, handle with a breakup or announce a breakup to friends and family. Every relationship is different, and ultimately, the ending of every relationship is different. Our advice is based only on the information given to us.

So here is our opinion: let it go.

Every relationship ends by choice — either the guy or girl decides it’s best to move on or, occasionally if rarely, it’s a mutual agreement. In this instance, the person breaking off the relationship is doing so for completely personal reasons. In the end, the person initiating the breakup is the most important person (in their own mind). No matter how much it hurts the other person, that person has to do what’s best for them and in the way they see fit.

This was how she decided to handle the situation. She’s drawn up the game plan and is running the plays. You’re just watching from the sidelines — almost like letting the computer play out a football video game. She broke up on her terms, and she’s going to keep things on her terms. The decision to cut ties and break off all communication was her best course of action. We’re hopeful that she weighed all of the options and this manner of “cutting all ties” was her best-case scenario.

Maybe she’s doing all of this for your own good. Maybe the truth would hurt a hell of a lot more than the end of the relationship. She could be shielding you from something else. It’s all her doing, but still, she thinks more of you than to hurt you with the truth. At least that would seem to be her reasoning.

Now, you absolutely deserve closure and are entitled to feel this way. You deserve an answer as to why your relationship, a partnership spanning a substantial amount of time, came to an abrupt end. Unfortunately, it looks as if you’re not going to get your answer. For now. Things always change, especially the human mind.

Our best advice now is to just move on the best way you know how. That might involve dating or taking a break for a while. The breakup was out of your control, but how you choose to handle and process it is completely up to you. We’d strongly suggest not trying to get in touch with her anymore. The more you call, text and think about showing up to her place, the more she’s going to pull away.

There might be a time when eventually she comes around, gets back in contact, and explains exactly what the hell happened. If for no other reason than because you deserve to know the truth. Maybe she’ll never call and one day in the future you’ll see her on the street holding hands with another woman. Then you’ll get your answer without the awkward phone call.