Police to examine whether they are “institutionally stupid”

It has been a difficult week for the police force. First came the news that police officers were handing back guns to mentally unstable people “as part of a weapons amnesty”. Then the leaked claim that officers failed promptly to police rioting looters “because they thought at first it was the summer sales.” Then the news that the UK’s highest-ranking female police officer, Cressida Dick, was promoted as a prank “because she has a funny name”. Finally the alarming news that many police officers own bootleg – and in some cases stolen - copies of recordings made by alternative hip hop crew Fun Loving Criminals.

Now comes a claim that the whole of the British Police force is “institutionally stupid”, a claim that will be examined by a new Parliamentary Committee. “We’re talking about the systems, structures and practices of the police being stupid" said Police Federation spokesman James Acourt, of Eltham. “This doesn’t mean all police officers are stupid, though you’ve gotta admit. I mean Cressida Dick!!! It sounds like something out of a cartoon!” Metropolitan Police spokesman Luke Knight added: “The truth is it’s now harder than ever to get to wear the uniform of a police officer. Six buttons on those jackets! Six! Bloody hard to get them done up right.” Neil Acourt, brother of James and also from Eltham is spokesman for the Association of Chief Police Officers. “Of course the police force as a whole must respond properly to public perceptions related to their capacity to be effective, transparent and fair minded, and that’s what this enquiry is all about.” Acourt added: “Yeah! Cressida Dick! Sounds like something you go to the doctors with!!”

Latest: Forensic examiners may have found a "microscopic" amount of intelligence at a Police Station in Chingford Essex, though it's thought this may have been the product of a work experience girl examining cold case evidence as part of a GCSE project, eighteen years ago.