Defense attorney: Objection, Your Honor. The prosecution continues to assert this witness is an expert but has offered no evidence to support the claim. Judge: Sustained. Mr. Martin*, is this witness your expert?Prosecutor: Yes, Your Honor.Judge: Would you care to establish for the court why the witness is an expert in the field of pediatrics?Prosecutor: Cause he…ummm…knows stuff?

Loud cube drone: It happened again!Friend: What?Loud cube drone: I couldn't sleep!Friend: Oh no, what did you do?Loud cube drone: Well, I didn't do anything this time. Usually I would just take one of those sleeping pills, like Zoloft, the ones I usually take…

Teacher #1: What are they raising all this money for?
Teacher #2: For this lady in the cleaning crew. Apparently, her purse was stolen and she lost nine hundred bucks that she was planning to send home to her family in Mexico.
Teacher #1: Where’s my nine hundred bucks? Since I started working here, I lost everything.

Job applicant #1: No job is worth having to give someone my pee in a plastic cup!Job applicant #2: Uh-oh, you’re refusing the drug test?Job applicant #1: Oh, it’s just a drug test? I thought that manager guy was just some sort of pee-pee pervert.