Old GranPa was having his 73rd birthday after having heart surgery. Although he still had need for a little oxygen, he was looking well and was at home surrounded by his children and their numerous kids. The family physician was also present as he was a longtime friend and his presence was welcomed by all.

As the party went on, GranPa seemed to become flustered somewhat. One of the daughters got nervous and called the doctor over. He sat down and started taking a pulse when the old man started to become quite agitated. His condition got worse and worse and he suddenly grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil on the table next to his chair, scribbled something, and before anyone could do anything the poor man passed away.

The doctor solemnly took the paper from the man and without reading it folded it in two and placed it in his wallet.

A few days later, at the burial ceremony, after the priest and members of the family had made their speeches, it was the doctors turn to speak. The cemetery went silent as he took the paper that the old man had scribbled before passing away, from his wallet. The children wondered what could have been his last dying words and/or wishes.The doctor cleared his throat and spoke these words. “You’re sitting on my oxygen tube, you imbicile!”

_________________"Welcome to the Frank Zappa Memorial Country Club & BBQ" at wgt.com 45 members and counting.

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. “Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!”

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: I found out who pissed in your saxophone.”

_________________You're probably wondering why I'm here(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painfulthan a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, Ihave come up with the answer to that question.Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.As the train rolled out of the station, the girl sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi, sweetheart, it's Erica. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting.""No, honey, not with that bloke from the accounts office, it was with the boss.""No, sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. ""Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.When the young man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Erica, hang up the phone and come back to bed."Erica doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painfulthan a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, Ihave come up with the answer to that question.Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

Great one! Is that Pope Jim?

_________________"I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly."

Q. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?A. Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------One day a zoo keeper found one of the orangutans reading two books. One book was Darwin’s Origin of the Species and the other was a Bible.Surprised, he asked the orangutan "why are you reading both those books"The orangutan glanced up from the two books. "I’m trying to decide if I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Atheist headstone inscription:

All Dressed Up And Nowhere To Go --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Atheist: “Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?”Waiter: “Praying.” Atheist: “Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.” Waiter: “You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.”

_________________You're probably wondering why I'm here(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the *SPAM*. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

_________________You're probably wondering why I'm here(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

"Am I really pregnant, doctor?" asks the 14-year old Petra to her GP. "Oh, if only I'd gone to the pictures with my parents that night.""Why didn't you?""I wasn't allowed to go. The film was rated M."

Good example of the ironic, moronic labeling, censorship sensitive system "they" all use as a moral compass and guide to raise the kids by nowadaze. If she had only read the SF Chronicle horoscope that morning, this bad joke wouldn't be happening and she still would have gotten laid! Woo-Hoo!

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