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Thursday, June 3, 2010

Pattinson vs. Bie... WHO??? Are You Serious?!?

WARNING: If you are a Bieber fan, stop reading and go away! I'm going to guess you're probably not even old enough to be reading this blog! Seriously. Stop reading. Now. Shoo!

I came across an extra special blog post this week while perusing my latest "Robert Pattinson" Google alert. Lately it's been the same old shit so I don't pay much attention to it. But for some reason, this particular blog article comparing Robert Pattinson and Justin Bieber caught my eye. And mostly because it made me want to fucking throttle someone. I mean are you kidding me? How can you even compare the two? While Rob is making lady bits tingle around world, I believe Bieber is still breast feeding twice a day.

Tingle... tingle... tingle... poof.

The fucking asstard author, "jonathan," posted this ridiculous comparison and started things off with such a nonsensical stream of words that I am not even sure wtf he is saying:

"We are trying to drape in two hot favorites of young Hollywood, Robert Pattinson and Justin Bieber. One is a unique of his kind, another being the wonder kid of the showbiz world. While a 24 Robert is much elder to a 16 year old Justin, they are similar in various ways."

Um...hi. jonathan the blogger, meet English language, English language, meet jonathan... Evidently you two have never met? He goes on to say "...the two hotties are similar in all of these following categories..."

[Side note here: I feel like I'm going to be arrested for just typing "hottie" and "Bieber" in the same sentence. Well hello Mr. Hansen... no, I didn't say that. I'm just quoting this dude talking about how hot RPattz and Bieber are. Yes, I said dude. Put your cuffs away. He's the one you're looking for. His name's "jonathan." Better check that Untitled Pictures folder too.]

Will I be arrested for even having this photo on my computer? Satan made me do it.

I had to include the categories exactly as they were written in the blog post. You'll see why. I truly hope English is not this guy's first language. Seriously. I also think he may be sexually abusing his Thesaurus. Just sayin'...

1. Popularity - There is absolutely no doubt about the popularity and fame of these two stars. Rob is immensely popular in the world of cinema, and Justin is the hero of all the pop music lovers.

Oh, where do I even start? First of all, I had no idea who this Bieber kid was... I actually thought his name was Beaver. Hmm... beaver reminds me of FanFic, aaaaaaaand now I feel dirty. I don't do pop music as a general rule, and I definitely don't idolize children so that would explain why I'm not familiar with this toddler. Secondly, if I'm not mistaken, I think Twitarded has more fans than this kid. At least fans old enough to drink.

2. Success - RPattz and Justin can compete with each other in terms of success story. And guess what, there would be a tie or the competition would end without any result.

I'm sorry. I can't get past this guy's complete misuse of the English language. Makes it reeeeally hard to not shit on the content... And for the record, RPattz kicks Beaver's ass in the success category. Don't try to argue with me because I will hurt you. I think Rob's jaw alone could kick the shit out of this kid. Man Jaw vs. The Fetus. I'd order Pay-Per-View for that bout.

Imma throwin' down $20 on Man Jaw for the knock out. I'd even throw my panties to him in the ring.

3. Media's fav - Now that's another trait which unites the boys together. [Huh?] Whatever they do, and whatever they don't are hyped by the media to explode some publicity and to trade in some dollars.

Explode some publicity? Trade in some dollars? What the fuck are you talking about? Dude... stop blogging. Now. And if you insist on continuing... don't drag RPattz into your mess. Only panties explode around the precious.

4. Hairstyle - Well, it's the tresses of the hotties that work as the catalyst to make them popular. Rob's shaggy hairdo and Justin's silky blondes are what brings them under comparison.

Wha, wha, what? The only hair contest Bieber will beat Rob at is time spent making out with a blowdryer. While the Beav actually films himself blowdrying his stupid little haircut, Rob's probably using the one in his hotel room to heat up his Hot Pockets. And have you seen Beaver's bangs? That shit takes some time and effort... and product. Loads and loads of product. He is definitely not washing his hair with duhhht.

What can duhhht do for you?

5. Hot yet single - Coming to the most interesting category, both RPattz and Bieber are the hottest faces in their respective professions, and the best part is that both are still single! Despite of several rumors about their individual love lives, the sexy stars haven't confirmed about their girlfriends!

Um, excuse me but that infant Bieber is barely out of the vagina so I'm going to guess that he's not even remotely close to getting back into one. RPattz, on the other hand, makes vaginas around the globe whimper. Vaginas throw themselves at him wherever he goes! Oh, there goes mine now... Hey, get back here you twat! Slut.

Please tell me you would never lump the preh-tay and the Beav into the same category. Ever! I won't hold it against you if you're a fan of Justin's... just pleeeeeease compare him to a new puppy... not our tall, lanky, sexy, stubbly, sex-haired, Brit.*

*[STY here - Speak for yourself, LKW, but I will NOT stand for any Bieber fans lurking on this blog! And jeebus help us all if you draw them here...they can't be bargained with. They can't be reasoned with. They don't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And and if they find this post, they absolutely will not stop, ever, until we are dead.]

Oh, I love the whole of the vagina paragraph near the end! My 6yr old insists that Bieber is called Justin Beaver, which kind of goes with my fave joke 'What do you call man with a small cock? Justin'.

I suppose we should only be expecting that level of English from someone idiotic enough to compare Rob with this child.

I gotta tell you guys, I thought the Beaver, Bieber...whatever kid was a girl. To compare anyone to the precious is wrong and the penalty should be swift and severe. There are many fish in the sea but only one RP!

First, I'm with you that English can't possibly that bloggers first language or one that he knows very well. Don't see how anyone could compare smokin hawt Rob to the litte Beaver girl. Justin is a weird name for a girl, but I've seen the pictures and they definitely aren't of a boy.

I have not left a comment on a while but I always read you girls and as always I die laughing ....loved this blog really ..."excuse me but that infant Bieber is barely out of the vagina so I'm going to guess that he's not even remotely close to getting back into one" Goodness I don't remember when was it last I laugh so darn hard and seriously how do you compare a nice looking baby with a hot adorable man ...so I'm with you ...Robert all the way ...

What. The. Fuck? Where did this douchenozzle come from? I am so confused. How in the hell can there be any comparisons or similarities here except for maybe ridiculous fangirl squealing? Good lord- one is a man, who's balls have actually dropped and the other is still in Pull-Ups, give me a break dude. The Beav thinks he's Usher anyway so maybe "jonathan" should go compare them instead. I'm actually offended for Rob.

God, this post made me laugh so much. You really have a way with words, LKW. "Only panties explode around the precious." - Made of win, and so true.

I think the only similarity that can be made between the two is comparing their, shall we say, "devoted" fanbases. Although I personally don't really see how anyone can find much of anything appealing about Beaver, but to each their own, I guess...

I'm embarrassed that the Bieber or Beaver or whatever the fuck his name is, is Canadian.

There was a compilation song by a bunch of Canadian musicians as a fun raiser for Haiti. I totally thought the last person singing was a girl - then I saw the video. Nope, it's the breastfeeding wonder singing an octave higher than I could when I was four years old.

I can't believe this douchebag actually thinks The Precious and Beaver are even on the same planet as far as popularity and exploding publicity or whatever the fuck he said. What a total dickhead moron.

"Vaginas throw themselves at him wherever he goes! Oh, there goes mine now... Hey, get back here you twat! Slut."

My slutty vagina just launched itself at the duhhht pic. Silly whore.

That was a terribly funny vid..only character I have ever liked Tom Cruise play.

Okay, I know I'm gonna get flamed for this. And possibly shunned during the Forks trip.... But as the mother of a 14 year old girl... I love Bieber.

Here's why,

1. Every time she gets a new teenybopper magazine, she tears out all the Rob pinups and gives them to me. I don't ask for them (that would be weird) She just does so. I keep them in a nice little pile.

2. The more teens that go for Biebs, the less will go for Pattz. That means he is one step closer to not being categorized as a teen idol.

3. Being that Bieber lives in Atlanta (where we live) she has met him numerous times, starting before he became really famous. And he remembers her. He is really sweet to his fans.

First of all....@ STY..NICE Terminator shout-out. I use that quote all the time.Second of all...@ LKW...hysterical post. I'm in Florida taking care of my father who just had a heart attack scare & I'm sitting here trying to giggle snort quietly so I don't have to try to explain to a 76 year old man what the fuck I think is so funny.

Also, I completely agree that you cannot compare these two. And I have no idea what that kid was saying. It's like he took a bunch of words, scrambled them up, and then randomly picked them up and put them together. Wierd.

Pulling myself away from Twitter long enough to say that was hilarious. As long as moron bloggers like this are still out there, we'll always have Twitarded fodder. A few months ago I asked my 8 yr. old if she knew who Justin Bieber was and she said no. I bought her a pony.

I was going to say something but I can't get past that jawporn/neckporn pic. Fuck my mouth would be permanetly welded to it if it was mine.....My 12 yo loves Justin's Beaver (my hubtards name for him) & think's Rob is OK so I'm with @Cupcake Donna, more Rob for us!

@LKW, thanks, looks like he's going to be ok. Funny thing is, he was just channel surfing & lo & behold, Twilight was on Showtime. I about had a stroke when he kept surfing & made him go back. He is vaguely aware of my slight Twi obsession & he said..."what's this movie about anyway?" I am pretty sure I did a poor job of trying to get my dad to get why I love it. He fell asleep during the meadow scene...W.T.F??? Guess he's not a teen girl (or a 40 year old lady for that matter).

LMFAO-Really, the first thing I do is scroll and look at the pictures in each post - then I go back and read. Hawt RaybanRob good, NOOOOOOOO, Bieber! Get the fuck off. Cockblocked! Ewwww! Should never, I repeat, NEVER be mentioned in the same sentence as Rob. Period. Nothing more. Jawporn helped to settle my nerves but still blinking at the Bieber pic. My eyes, my eyes. They were not prepared. Then you had to go and say the addiction - fanfic -MOBS update to re-read and attempt to sear that picture of The Bieb out of my brain...

Let me just say I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU for this blog! Personally I can't stand Bieber. He's (she's, even) all over Myspace before (s)he even brought a song out, so I was battered to death by him [her] already. And OMG then I heard him [her] which made the whole experience even worse. Nice one! (*rolling eyes*)

I love everything you said and was cracking up! Urgh (s)he's barely been conceived and even give him [her] 20 yrs to try and grow a little face fuzz and a sensible, masculine haircut, I still seriously doubt my clothes will automatically rip themselves off the way they do whenever I see RPattz. Or hear RPattz. Or hear ABOUT RPattz ... etc etc

As for the voice. Rob singing/crooning/betwitching can seriously physically have me on lock-down. I can't think, all I can do is listen and lurrrrrrrrve. Hearing that little girl makes me wanna buy super-strength ear plugs and leave the room.

And hear hear over you thinking that guy should quit his blog. I wanna say to him: Please do not associate Robbie with that girl-child again or I'll roll my cannon out and I'll use extra gunpowder. Don't think I won't!

Don't kick me off the blog but I dont hate Justin Bieber. I dont love him either I just dont hate him. I think its stupid to compare him to Rob though its not even a close contest... I could find a million more girls that would rather do Rob... well unless they were gay and wanted a guy that looked like a chick. And seriously not to mention the fact he compaired their hair and looks... uh WTF is this guy blind???

Thanks for giving me a good laugh though... that kid.. what a fucking moron.

My sides ache from laughing....first at the post, but even more from the comments! My god you bitches are funny! I'm in my bed next to my kid, trying to snuffle and snort into my comforter so I don't wake her up.

I love how much you Twitards make me laugh! And I have no love for The Beeve either, just for the record. How could anyone lust after that? He not only still lives with his mommy, but he hasn't reached physical maturity yet! It just defies logic. Pitting The Beeve against the Precious (in any sort of contest) is like putting Mike Newton up against Edward Cullen. Not. Gonna. Happen. My heart and ladybits belong to our Precious.

jftr, i don't hate jbiebs - he's like a little puppy and he seems to genuinely like his fans (plus his skit on SNL with Tina Fey was great!). but i am happy to see that rpatts is phasing out of the teeny bopper mags now and the biebs is holding fort there. just as well... sorry tweeners - rpatts is out of your league. ok and mine too but for entirely different reasons.

Holy shit! You know how we say things like PML? Well...uh...I may have for real. Just a little bit, though. Like when you have a really big sneeze sometimes? Yeah. Go with that. Jesus fucking christ on a cracker. And I don't know if it's more from the post of the comments! I fucking love this place!

As soon as I saw the title of the post, it was over. The warning in red SLAYED. And can I just say...Shorty is an eenie meenie miney mo lover? Someone got PAID to write that. And what kind of dorkus maximus compares The Precious to The Shell-met Haired One? One man's hair makes me want to instagasm, one boy's hair makes me want to vomit.

The jawporn.....oh god the jawporn. My clit was all lifting her hood saying "Can I play?" Damn that shit is hot!

This is hilarious and the fucktard who wrote it should be punished by being strung up by whatever balls he may have and then forced to listen to Beiber on repeat. I have never understood the whole Beiber-mania,the kid can't really sing and once his voice cracks I doubt he'll sound any better. The fact that the kid is Canadian hurts my heart. I've also never understood the whole Jonas Brothers thing either,I personally think they suck..but that's another rant ;)Other than the fact they both have major fan followers they have nothing in common. I can picture Beiber saying his bedtime prayers going "when I grow up can I be Robert Pattinson?"

Thank u LKW. I was worried just a tad I might have lost my grip on who s hot (*drool* over the pretty) and who s not (just who is tryin to sell that beaver kid into any other than teenybopper market?) - god, typing that, how I wish I had an actual grip on the hotness...Wow. I have just officially commented 'in filth' - I guess it s just another step into the twidom for these thoughts develop from the inside-voice to published statements...Oh well, after all [twitardia] you are my life now...(totally ::headshake:: @myself now...)

Holy shitballs, LKW! I think that was your funniest post EVER! I'm not even that mad you raped my brain with those quotes & a pic of the Beaver kid. Someone needs to get this Jonathan kid out of the closet & into an 8th grade English class.

Well that's an awesome post LKW, that's what that is. I cannot stop laughing. I was doing alright controlling the giggles until I got to the 'barely out of the vagina' paragraph. I'm laughing and drooling at the same time because those are a few of my favorite Robporn pics evahhhhhh!!

I don't feel like working today. It's the first day it's not raining in like a week. Anyone wanna go play hookie??

please tell me the beaver fanfic you are thinking about is The Misapprehension of Bella Swan....so good. except..In this fanfic, Edward is Canadian.. like beav..I mean beiber. ANOTHERCOMPARISONzOMG! ( just kidding.) the beiber kid can shove it. No one can compare to our Rob.

Also, I had to fight REALLLY hard to get past the jawline pic. Maybe you should of posted it at the end.

It's shit like that right there that makes me wanna' cancel my Google Alerts!

If someone can figure out how to block that "Gather" web site from showing up on the alerts - please let me know! I'll even send you money! I don't know where all those asshats come from and they post the stupidest nonsense on there. It kills me because I know somewhere some idiot is reading it thinking it must be true - I read it on the internet!

This is one good thing to come from swearing off TV. I don't know who Beaver is - nor Octamom - nor British Petroleum. But I can tell you all about Tattward, Fifty Shades, Dick For Hire, Beautiful Bastard, or Mafia Prince!

There is no comparison, why this dude did compare them, I HAVE NO CLUE! Rob is WAYYYYY betther than Justin, plus, he's a BRIT, he's tall, lancky and old enough to... do anything. Let's leave it at that.

please tell me the beaver fanfic you are thinking about is The Misapprehension of Bella Swan....so good. except..In this fanfic, Edward is Canadian.. like beav..I mean beiber. ANOTHERCOMPARISONzOMG! ( just kidding.) the beiber kid can shove it. No one can compare to our Rob.

Also, I had to fight REALLLY hard to get past the jawline pic. Maybe you should of posted it at the end.

I had to have my appendix out and then i read what the idiot said almost burst my stitches laughing, everyone thought i was nuts. MY ROBERT is a SEXY FUCK HAWT COCK ON LEGS WITH FUCK HAWT SEX HAIR, crying out for fingers. OH FUCK THEIR MINE GO AGAIN.

that baby justin is three days out of a vagina he'll have to wait 16 years to get back to one. ROBERT can teach him a few things. BUT he's private so fuck off baby justin get sexin somewhere else

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