The Sleep-Retardant Properties of My Ex-Girlfriend

The importance of a good nights sleep can not be overestimated. Getting
more than 7 hours of sleep a night helps in retention and deep encoding
of information, which is essential in graduate school.[1] Also, getting
sufficient amounts of sleep results in a better mood and a greater level
of happiness.[2]

Given this, I decided to conduct a study on those factors which influenced
the amount of sleep I was getting, in order to determine how to get more
sleep.

One factor which I predicted would have especially large effects was my
girlfriend at the time, Hermina. I have induced that several of my acquaintances
believe that Hermina would have significant positive effects on sleep --
in the words of one such acquaintance, Tom, "Man, shes hot. Id
really like to sleep with her."[3] Other acquaintances have also expressed
an interest in her sleep-inducing properties.[4,5]
There are many reasons why one might postulate that Hermina would increase
sleep -- the quote above points to an important one, that she is quite hot,
being a mammal with a body temperature of around 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.[6]
A warm blanket has been identified as a source of good sleep[7], and it
is quite possible that Hermina performs a similar function.

Figure 1. The amount of sleep I got at my own place, and at
Herminas place.

Design

Over the course of 28 consecutive nights, I collected data on the number
of hours of sleep I obtained, and on a number of factors that might potentially
affect the amount of sleep obtained.

These variables included:

 whether or not I had read in bed that night
 whether it was a weeknight or weekend night
 whether I had gone drinking
 whether I had attended a social event
 whether I had been feeling ill the previous day
 whether I had an academic deadline
 whether I was returning a graded homework assignment in the class
I TA the next day
 how late in the day my first meeting or class was
 how much sleep I had gotten the night before
 how much sleep I had gotten the previous two nights
 whether or not I had slept at Herminas apartment or my own

I used these variables in order to develop a regression model to explain
the amount I slept.

Results

The first step towards developing a regression model of how much sleep
I got was to transform all the binary variables (such as whether or not
I had slept at Herminas apartment) into 0 and 1 so that I could treat
them as quantitative variables.

I then conducted a forward-inclusion search for candidate variables in
the model as such:

Using a statistical package, I computed Cp, BIC, AIC, RSS, and adjusted
r-square metrics for models composed of each of the variables.

The clear best model by each of this metrics was the one composed of where
I had slept. It explained 22.3% of the data (adjusted R2=0.223) and the
term was significantly different than zero. (ESS=27.79, Edf=1, s2=3.07,
F=7.03, p<0.001)

Next, I examined whether a second variable explained more than the effects
which were explained by where I slept.

The best model by each metric was one where I added in as a variable whether
or not I had gone on a social outing (including drinking) the night before.
However, this term was not significantly different than zero. (ESS=6.5,
Edf=1, s2=2.94, F=2.21, p>0.10)

No other term was significant, in further investigations, either when added
to the model including where I slept, or in a model by itself.

The final regression model was

S = -2.018 H + 7.47

In essence, what this model means is that I got an average of two hours
and one minute less sleep when I slept at Herminas apartment rather
than my own. The exact amounts of sleep I got in each condition are shown
in Figure 1. This is clear evidence for Herminas sleep-retardant properties.

Discussion

After obtaining these results, the appropriate course of action became
clear. I spoke to Hermina and explained my study and its results, as well
as the importance of getting sufficient sleep, as illustrated in [1] and
[2]. I concluded by explaining that, due to her sleep-retardant properties,
I could not continue to sleep with her, an act she termed "breaking
up."[8]

I should mention that Hermina suggested that my data, being from an observational
study rather than an experimental study, only shows correlations rather
than causation, and that it was quite possible that I had only chosen to
sleep at her apartment on nights when I was less tired, or that I had actually
chosen to get less sleep on nights when I had come to her apartment. She
proposed that, instead of taking hasty action, we conduct an experimental
study where we flip a coin each night to determine whether I would sleep
at her apartment or my own, in order to prove a causative effect.

Obviously, I rejected this suggestion. Although this study is insufficient
to conclusively prove Herminas causative role, this strong a correlation,
and the importance of getting enough sleep, are sufficient together to suggest
that action needs to be taken expeditiously.
When Tom, whom I mentioned earlier in the paper, discovered that Hermina
and I had broken up, he expressed interest anew in sleeping with her. I
attempted to warn him about Herminas sleep-retardant properties. In
response, he referred to me as an "idiot." This clearly demonstrates
his lack of understanding of the value of sleep.[1,2] (Although it would
be fair to point out that since I only sampled from my own amount of sleep,
my results may not generalize to Tom. Nonetheless.)

I would like to conclude by encouraging others to embark on this sort of
data-collection activity in their own lives. By helping me identify and
eliminate the foremost factor reducing the amount of sleep I get, it has
enriched my life. I believe it will enrich your life as well.