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Nothing says klassy get together like a Tea and Porn party. Back in the day, Tea and Porn parties were a weekly occurrence. Someone would bring the tea, someone would bring fancy biscuits and cheese, we’d lay out proper China, and someone would be responsible for bringing the porn.

When I tell people about the parties now, many of them – especially the dudes – imagine that the party would end up with a massive orgy after all the chicks got turned on and started making out with each other. I assure you, this was not the case. Most of us ended up going home bloated from all the cheese we ate and disgusted by what we had just witnessed on the TV. This wasn’t sexy-time, rather an opportunity for us to learn about all the disgusting things that could happen to you.

For example: “Debbie Does Dallas” taught me that if you get jizz in your eye it will turn red and it burns. I also learned that in the 80’s, no one shaved – I’m not sure why. In the early 90’s the girls would have massive fingernails and I’m sure caused internal damage when they diddled one another. That is not cool.

It was typically Claude who would score the porn with us. His mission “operation steal parents’ porn” brought us all sorts of interesting experiences. Though, sadly, the one I remember the most was the one that freaked everyone the fuck out. We were over at a friend’s house, it was her first time at one of our parties, and we popped the video into the VCR (that’s how long ago this was). Suddenly, we found a dude on his back starting to bend into himself as he dropped his peen into his own mouth. All the while there was a dude next to him coaching him along. We had to stop the video, and Claude was on the verge of tears knowing that his parents watched that kind of stuff. Hard to recover from that one. Thankfully, we had cheese, tea, and some 80’s porn flick to bring us out of it.

I miss those days. Not so much for the movies, I certainly don’t miss seeing all the facials (gag). You have to be super fucked up and/or addicted to drugs to think to yourself, “Yeah, it’s okay if 4 dudes cum all over my face at the same time.” Yeah, you know what? That’s not normal. So says the girl who misses Tea and Porn parties.

Your childhood and my childhood…not the same. But I came close (no pun intended) when I discovered the Penthouse magazines under my day’s beds. I always wondered what world those guys who wrote to the Forum lived in…

The part where the dude freaked out about the porn his parents watched reminds me of the South Park LoTR parody where the kids are returning a porn tape to blockbuster as their quest. At one point – one of the kids (Token) watches it and is traumatized. His questions to the adults later are pretty hilarious. Whether or not you like South Park, I think you’d find it a pretty hilarious episode, given what you wrote here.