"This all started because Charlie wanted 50-50 custody . . . When Denise said no. Charlie said, 'Then let a judge decide.' The next day, she comes out with a bunch of bull[bleep] claims.

"Did he gamble on sports? Big deal. Every guy I know does. Show me a guy who hasn't seen porn on the Internet. Does that mean he's not a good father? No. This guy lives for his kids. And she drummed all this up so he can't see his kids. It is the single worst behavior of a parent I have ever seen."

As for Richards' friendly relationship with the paparazzi and her sympathetic portrayal in the tabloids, Burg adds, "There are groups like Alcoholics Anonymous. Denise needs to go to National Enquirer Anonymous. This shouldn't be fought in the press.

Because we, like every other consumer of tabloid copy, automatically believe the last thing we've read on a subject (remember, today is Keep Publicists Working Day), we're fully siding with Sheen until "worst...parent...ever" Richards' people escalate with a sordid tale of her husband's predilection for online goat-on-teen porn. We must further compliment Sheen's manager for his nicely played, "What healthy heterosexual male doesn't like to bet on football or touch themselves while looking at naked ladies on the internet?" gambit; he stopped that run of Everyman complicity at just the right time, before he lost all but Sheen's Hollywood friends with a bit about the harmlessness of an occasional overindulgence in $15,000 a night call girls.