Monday, May 31, 2010

I wish so badly the storms in life were just like the storms in the south. They come out of nowhere but last only moments. They wake you up and make you thankful for the sunshine. They cool you off in the ridiculous heat. They terrify you and make you cling to those you are near. I wish my storms would pass as quickly as these do. I wish I could look up into the sky and see the sun shining through, letting me know it's almost over. Oh how I wish life worked liked that.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

I really don't want to blog tonight...I'm not sure why, maybe it's the fact that I'm laying in an uncomfortable bed with burned feet, legs, and arms feeling like I'm boiling, or maybe it's the headache I can feel coming on, or maybe it's that I'm finally laying down and all I want to do is close my eyes and drift off to sleep. I think it's all three actually. Nonetheless it's been a long day and I'm quite ready to curl up in my bed, close my eyes, and let myself relax for a few hours. So that's what I plan to do...

Saturday, May 29, 2010

That was the song I sang today. Sadly, mother nature decided not to listen to my pleas and instead it rained all day long. We ventured off to seaworld, bought ponchos, and sucked it up. Thankfully the rain doesn't ruin everything and though we all looked soggy and smelled like wet dog we had fun :) we rode two giant roller coasters which was terrifying but oh so enjoyable!

Later that night I met my first semi-celebrity, Crystal Bowersox! She was the runner up on the 9th season of American Idol! Whoo hoo! She was at the same hotel we were and I gladly made a fool of myself :) anyways that was pretty cool since in Alaska we don't see anyone famous. Well it's time to call it a night!

Friday, May 28, 2010

I remember when my parents were leaving our old church. The whole situation was a mess but I often remember how my parents used that to talk to my sister and I about leaving our 'comfort zones'. I suppose I never understood that to it's fullest. I also remember how rumors were spread, and old friends believed them and began to talk meanly about our family. I never understood how disturbed they must have felt, or the way that affected them in their daily routine. Neither of these things became a reality to me until now. This time however, it is not my family but me, and it is not a church, but friends.

I have been hesitant to write about this. Mostly because I do my best to not let it myself think about it. But it haunts me. I dream about it every night, I do not sleep soundly. I get this sick twisted feeling in my stomach, and I want to throw up. I want my name to be cleared. I want people to believe me, to realize I'm not the bad guy here, I don't deserve that label. I cannot look at my phone without fear of a nasty text, I can't answer without fear of being screamed at. And yet I know...I did nothing.

I long for the comfort of my bed, the lick of my puppy. But these things are not available to me. I need to relax and stop being so stressed. It's the impossible task. I know I am growing and learning and for that I am truly thankful. I wish I could make my anxiety disappear but sadly I know that healing takes time. So instead I love and live. I embrace every moment and know that someday I will look back and tell my children about this. I will watch them like my own mother watches me. I will hurt as they hurt and smile as they smile. I will share in their dreams, their laughs, and their tears. I will tell them they are being molded into the man or woman God wants them to be. But until then...I will listen to my own mother tell me this and I will do my best to believe her.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

90 degrees is not as amazing as it sounds. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the warmer weather, but 90 degrees is like burning in hell. Quite literally. I burned my left shoulder quite bad. Just moving my arm up and down is dreadfully painful. Ouch. However due to the insanely hot weather we decided to spend the day at one of the two Disney waterparks. It was a blast! Drex and I rode on our first waterslide together :) the bannana blaster to be exact. Drex thoroughly enjoyed the name haha. We spent 5 hours there and then journeyed back to the hotel for a lovely dinner, which is where we are now :) i'd love to write more but there's things to do and places to see!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

In these past few weeks and especially these last few days, I've learned how much I still need my mom. I used to wonder sometimes how close my mom and I would be when I moved out or went off to college, and though those things have yet to happen, I have noticed that just being on vacation without her, we're still very close. We talk on the phone everyday, and text continuously throughout it. She's still that trusted person to go to when nothing makes sense and I feel like I'm breaking apart. She cries for me, and smiles for me. She's supportive when I need her to be and brutally honest. Her love for me is so evident in my daily life and even though my mom and I have had and will continue to have our differences, I know she's there when I need to talk or need support. I hope that someday my kids will look at me like this too, and realize that I really will always be there when they need me. No matter how old I get, I'll always need my mommy.

Disney world has been great fun :) I was served breakfast in bed today (yay for room service!) which started the day on a good start. It's 88 degrees now and then sun is hot! Drex and I made the not so brilliant decision to go without sunscreen today (rather be red than white right?) so I fried, and can feel my shoulders crispening. At least I know the sun does work right?! It's so weird being 4 hours ahead of home, while we're eating dinner they're finishing lunch. Oh for the love of times zones :) alrighty well we're off to epcot!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

We are without wifi right now (unless I want to pay 10 dollars to use it...which I don't :) anyways, today was our first day in disney world! It's so warm and hot and perfect! Sadly typing on my phone isn't easy and so this is going to be the shortest blog entry in history! Byee :)

Monday, May 24, 2010

Being here with Drex has been a lot of fun. Getting to know his family, spending time with his mom, and knowing that no matter what he's there, has been such a blessing. I'm learning there is life behind the walls, behind the mountains, behind every tear and heartbreak, there is family waiting to love you. Sure, they don't always say just the right thing and sometimes things come out badly, but they mean well, that is evident in the way their eyes. There are many things i love in my life, God, My family, Drex, my friends, my puppy, etc. But I do not appreciate them near as much as i should. I want a semi-big family (5 kids) but I want them to be a part of both sides of the family. I want family reunions, family bbq's, I want them to feel the consuming love of every individual God places in their lives, and i want them to understand the importance of family from the start. I don't want them to learn because of an unfortunate event as i did.

On a lighter note...it was off to the Biltmore Estate today! (Biggest house in America mind you!) It is gorgeous! We got to walk around it, but sadly we weren't allowed to take pictures inside :( or talk on cellphones...but that didn't stop some people. There are 250 bedrooms total, and 43 bathrooms. There's a pool, bowling alley, dressing rooms, EVERYTHING you can possibly imagine! I told Drex i definitely wanted a house as big as this someday, of course that is the most unrealistic thing in the world probably but oh well, totally beside the point :) I also met Douggie today! He's a catfish...which im sure isn't exciting for those who live in the lower 48, but we don't have them in Alaska and therefor they are incredible! Also at the biltmore we got to eat lunch in an original horse stall which was pretty awesome. (obviously it's been cleaned and such since but it was still pretty interesting)We then proceeded to wander through the gardens, and then go to this place called Antler Village, also on George Vanderbilt's property :)

It was Jeannies birthday today so her parents took her out to dinner and then Drex and I went swimming! Very exciting experience haha He taught me how to backstroke! (Backstroke, breaststroke, stroke of a genius!) When we left the pool it was raining...if you could even call it a rain, it was more of a warm mist. All in all the stay in NC was amazing and i can't wait to come back!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

First day in Asheville, North Carolina! Well first full day that is, we got here last night at 10:30 PM (6:30 PM our time). Drex and i explored the hotel for a few hours and then decided to call it a night.

TODAY however was beautiful. It's such a gorgeous hotel! The view is amazing and the stone is stunning! I love it here! Especially with Drex! Watching the sunset, and just sun basking in general is a bajillion times better with him with me :) I met his grandparents today, as well as his Aunt. They're very nice and pleasant with the obvious old people quirks :) It was 82 degrees, sunny blue sky, and humid! So perfect :) I don't miss home at all! Tomorrow is our last day though, but i can't complain because from here it's Disney world!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

The flight here felt like forever, mostly because I'm so anxious to be in the sun. Thankfully flying with Drex helps a lot! His company helps keep me sane. I've never felt claustrophobic in a plane before, but today i most definitely did. Thankfully i was able to keep myself from going crazy and calmed myself time. The airport here is humid and burning up! Can't wait to actually be outside in that weather!

Friday, May 21, 2010

it doesn't feel like it's happening. It feels like its all just a dream, like something that i dreamt up and have imagined happening oh so many times. Today was lunch with Emily, Jeannie, Drex, and baby Caden. It went very well suprisingly enough! I enjoyed myself and my time with little baby Caden. Had to put him in the carseat all by myself! (well with Drex, but he wasnt much help! :p)

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Last day of school today! Talk about the best thing ever :) Went with Dest and Emmy to get a pedicure for my trip! I'm actually very satisfied with it! I love them :) and of course can't wait to show them off. This summer is going to be unlike any I've ever experienced, and i'm really excited for it. With the situations that have unfolded in the last year, i have come to appreciate one thing above all else: Family. You never know when you're going to lose someone, and therefor should appreciate every moment you are given with them. I cannot wait to embark on the summer ahead of me. To watch myself grow, to get tan, to laugh, and to relax. So summer 2010 here i come, hope you're ready! :)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I leave for Disney World in two days (YAY!) and still have SO much to do. I have an extremely messy room to clean, a giant suitcase to pack, a bathroom to clean, finals to finish, thank you letters to write, and somehow work at the same time! I swear this is so impossible, and i literally have no motivation at all!

Tonight I drove to Target to look at cute organizing baskets and such, but they are so expensive! I mean I'm sorry but I just cannot afford to pay almost 50$ for a cubicle to simply put the baskets in, AND buy baskets! So i left Target with nothing but tampons, Bobby Pins, and curling stuff for the hair. No motivation in cleaning with any of those things :/ I mean i know the fact that I'm about to leave for 16 days to go on vacation with my boyfriend should be motivating enough...but if you saw my room...it's impossible.

Kay, it's time to call it a night, i have to get up and "look cute" tomorrow so i need that beauty sleep :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

This blog is like my personal journal. I would like to just say that. These are my thoughts, my deepest angers. I needed a place to vent, and my poor family and boyfriend have heard just about enough. So i chose to do so on here.

As this school year has continued and now just about come to its end, I have noticed myself become a lot less tolerable of friends. Most people would tell you, or anyone else for that matter; "It's cus she has a boyfriend. She just doesn't care about us anymore, just him." And all other sorts of crap. However I'd like to say something...I don't like to hangout with you, because you're fake. He's real. He's enjoyable to be around. He makes me laugh, but also doesn't let me go crazy. He encourages me in the areas in which i need encouragement, and discourages me when he knows I'm messing up. He cares.

See the problem with this whole 'about to be seniors thing' and 'summer before senior year' is that everyone looks at it like "lets go get shit-faced. Lets go party it up. Boyfriends are stupid. Lets go have sex with everyone instead." When really honestly truly, wouldn't you much rather have a boyfriend that loves you and would do literally anything for you? EVEN IF Drex and I break up at some point, I will not regret the fact that I spend 99.9% of my time with him. I will not regret that I withheld things from others but told him everything. I will not regret it because He has stood by me for a year, loved me for a year, taken care of me for a year, and listened to me bitch and whine for a year. What more could I ask for?

I have felt myself draw away from my friends, but it is purposefully, not accidentally. Of the four of my closest friends, there is only three that i miss. But the problem is, is that the one that chooses to judge everyone, the one that has chosen to go crazy, is the one i cannot be around.

There is a question that has been haunting me lately: Who are you living for? My answer would be Drex. As wrong and sinful as that is, it's the answer i have right now. But i'm working to change that. I do not want to live for the world nor do i want to live for the things in this world. I want my light to shine, I want to do something meaningful, I do not want to be caught up in high school drama, or things that are considered fun now. I want to have meaning and purpose to my life. Something more than doing something stupid every now and then, or going on a perfect date.

I have seen myself fall and be helpless to get up. I have made my mistakes in summers past, and even this past year. I have done everything wrong. I have put idols in the place of my Savior. But it's time to tear those down. To make this summer count. To grow in ways i have never grown, to see the beauty in people, to appreciate family. To do the things that honor not only myself, and family, but my creator who has had such mercy on me. I'm ready, So bring it on. Bring on the gossip, the crap you have to say about me, bring on the sarcastic comments, bring on the judgment. You will not break me, because i refuse to be broken.

"I've been holding on so tightLook at these knucklesThey've gone whiteI'm fighting for who I wanna beI'm just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it goYou say life is waiting for the one to lose controlYou say you will be, everything I needYou said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soulYou say let it go.

Well it's hard enough to hearHarder still, to move beyond this fearWe know there's nothing I can bring,So tell me what do you want from me?

But You say let it go, You say let it goYou say life is waiting for the one to lose controlYou say You will be, everything I needYou said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soulYou say let it go, You say let it go

What do I love?What do I hate?What will I lose?What will I gain?How do I save my soul?What if I bend?What if I break?What will it cost?What will it take?For you to save my soul.

You say let it go, You say let it goYou say life is waiting for the one to lose controlYou say You will be, everything I needYou said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

You say let it go, You say let it goYou say life is waiting for the one to lose controlYou say you will be, everything I needYou said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soulYou say let it go, You say let it go"

Monday, May 17, 2010

I got out of most of school today...a plus as well as a minus. A plus because I simply cannot stand school, and a minus because it means i missed my Chemistry review, which i have a final on tomorrow. Oh geez. Thankfully Drex has not only taken Chem 1, but also AP Chem, and has been the Chem 1 T.A for 2 years now, and was able to help me :) Anyways, i got out of school due to a dentist appointment. I have never in my life been scared of the dentist, it was always a fun experience since i got to dig in the treasure chest when i was done. However, i got my wisdom teeth out a few months ago, and was not given any sort of medication. Just a little numbness. (Which is quite ineffective!) Basically it was an awful experience and it made me a lot more terrified to sit in the seat and have someone scraping my teeth. I had to force myself to not start spazzing out and running out of the room. The best i could do however was take deep breaths, clench the arm rests. and close my eyes. This of course led to the lady going "are you okay honey?" and me saying "yes, of course totally fine, no worries." Thankfully it was over soon enough, and i got out of there as fast as possible.

From there it was a nap and then to work. Work was actually really awesome today. Drex came in for about 1/2 an hour and talked to me while i straightened and filled shoes. He brought me a red bull, which sadly did not in fact give me wings, but helped with my exhaustion nonetheless. HOWEVER it is what happened AFTER work that is truly exciting!

I have this ridiculous love for dogs. I want every single dog i come into contact with. Anyways, on the way home Drex and I see this lab (with a collar) just kind of wandering around, i ask him to the stop the car and i get out. (I also told him to grab his airsoft gun and please shoot if the dog starts to attack me). She didn't though, and instead came up to me tail wagging and all. We put her in the car, and called the number on her collar over and over. No answer. It was then that we knew we had to take the next step...the pound. So though i wanted nothing more to do than keep her, we drove to the pound. Because its after hours, you have to drive around to the back and put the dog in a cage and fill out a lost form. I couldn't do it. There was no way i was putting this sweet lab in a scary cage. So i tried the number again and finally some lady answered. She hadn't even noticed the dog was missing! Stupid people. The lady came and got her and we went on our way. Though i still have to say idiots like that she just not own dogs!

It's a wonderful thing to have a boyfriend that understands your love enough to be patient with you and let you put unknown dogs in his car. Thank you baby :)

Sunday, May 16, 2010

I woke up today to the sun shining on my face and Drex crawling into bed with me, talk about a perfect way to start the day :)

I realized something between last night and this morning: In the face of tragedy, fear, and shock, you depend on the people you cannot stand. You are faced with the realization that the person who you have come to despise, is a human being, has feelings, and in the midst of their falseness, is real.

It is this thought that brought me to another. Christ loved those who did the unimaginable. He loved those who crucified him. Who am I to hate? What right do i have to judge? And that is what made me forgive.

It was those thoughts, that action, and my morning that made this day truly perfect. I cannot express my gratitude for those who have forgiven me when i have wronged. Or those who have stayed by my side when i left theirs. To all of you, thank you so much.

On a much lighter note, my parents bought me a car today! It's a 2002 Rav4 :) At first seeing it i was like "uhh...idk...it's not exactly awesome looking..." but upon further inspection i have come to the conclusion that it is cute :) Not the best car ever, but cute, and what i want :) Plus they paid for it so that makes it a bajillion times better looking! I'm actually really excited for it! I get to drive myself to and from school, and drive Drex around, and Britt around, and not be dependent on Drex to get places! So exciting! :) Well that's been my day :) Nothing to dramatic thankfully. Had enough of that last night :)

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Friday, May 14, 2010

You know the day is going to be good when you start it off with snuggling in bed for hours with the love of your life. :)

It truly was a great day. First, it was finally facing the fact that my baby graduated, and realizing it is all going to be okay. This is the beginning of the rest of our lives, and though some steps are harder than others (this one being a harder one) we will get through them, together. :) (Isn't he oh so handsome?)

Then to make the day all the more better I took him to dinner, (even paid for it!) and got to just relax. Dinner is definitely better when you're the one paying because you don't even have to feel bad about making someone else spend money on you! I got to get EXACTLY what I wanted, AND dessert! Talk about a win win situation :) I also got to make Drex feel cared about, I do appreciate all the dinners he's taken me to, but hey it's my turn to make him feel special, and i hope i did. (I definitely did eat one of the best French Dips in my life though! which made it about a million times better!)

From dinner it was to beluga point with Emily and Robert. They had never been there, and it's always a nice place to go and feel relaxed. Plus it's one of Drex and I's favorites :) It's funny to look back at the pictures we took there about a year ago. It's really cool to look back at us, (right) and see how happy we were than and how much our happiness has grown. It shows you just how alive that love truly is. Sometimes i see couples with that "new relationship glow" and I think 'I wish we were still like that' but then i see a picture and I can only smile because we are. We still make fun of each other, we still kiss while driving, we still cuddle at the stop lights, we still play fight :) We are still so in love, though things have changed. It's that encouragement i need to know that in the midst of change, the important things stay the same. (Left= us now)

Thursday, May 13, 2010

from it all. from every tear, every sad thought, every moment of weakness. All i know how to do is run. I don't want to be sad, to hurt, or to cry. I don't want to deal with any one of the emotions spinning in me. I want to hide under a blanket where no one can find me. I want to be flawless, to love unconditionally, to smile amidst the unhappiness, to find the words i so need to say. I need to feel the freedom in trusting not only Drex, but also God. I need to stop worrying and instead pick myself up. But i can't. I physically want to just lie down and sleep. I want to slip away into the darkness that night so readily brings. I want to disappear. I hate feeling this way. This selfish sadness. But it over takes me once again.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Today was our "senior chapel". Basically a junior picks a senior, gets up in front of the school, and talks about them. Now being a junior I had the opportunity to choose Drex, but i felt that would be uncomfortable and so i chose not to and had 2 friends do him instead.

Brittany (my younger sister), came up to me afterward and said "did you cry?" My response was "No, i think i got most of it out yesterday." It was then she said to me, "I did a little...not so much because of him graduating, but because his dad isn't here to see it."

THAT made me want to cry. (For all who don't know Drex's dad died in a car accident a few years back, thus explaining why he isn't here to share in this exciting event. ) My sister isn't an emotional person. I mean she's sensitive but not outward, and she normally will absolutely NOT share her thoughts with you, so for her to cry in public because of something much beyond her control...shows the love she has for him.

I've always known my family loves Drex. My mom refers to him as her third child, my dad (also an extremely quiet person) shows his love by a simple conversation, normally about guns or other such man-things, and Brittany shows her love by treating him just like she would an older brother, pestering him and such. I suppose though i never understood just how much they love him. I cry for him, I fight for him, I love him, and yet...they do too.

"I realized this morning that when someone dies, for better or worse, before long we are left with a few salient memories that manifest the essence of that person. That is why i know that, years from now when I think of Dave I will always remember that when he knocked on my door to visit or just say hello, his son was almost always with him."-Smiley Shields. (Memories of Dave Adams)

Drex was his dads favorite, everyone knew it, even I who had never had the privilege of meeting Dave. How he keeps his head held high i'll never know. But i do know that His dad gave him his strength, his courage, his brains, and his love. So thank you Dave Adams, for the amazing son you have given me. Thank you for making him who he is. I owe you a million.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I know i'm cutting it short since it's 11:25pm here, but hey i made it :)

Today was an extremely emotional day for me. It was Drex's last day of high school...and just typing those simply words make me want to cry. I'm terrified. I'm scared of the future and the unknown. I'm scared of change.

Drex has been my best friend through everything. He has stood by my side when there were things going on that no one knew about. He was the one that held me and told me it would be okay. He's kept me sane this past school year. He's been that smile i so desperately needed to see first thing in the morning. I can't imagine doing this without him.

I'm scared of entering the "real" world. Our relationship is no longer in school, it is also graduating with him. I'm scared of him leaving, or of us growing apart. I'm scared of missing him. I'm terrified beyond words.

I've never been good at the whole change thing. But this time it's so much harder. This time it's me being left behind.

Drex and I have been through hell like no one else knows about. He was the very thing that got me through the day. He was my motivation for simple living life itself. He was the angel sent from God to show me how to live again.

I'm scared of losing him, and in doing so losing myself. I don't want things to change. I want everything to stay the same. I don't want to be left behind.

"I love you too muchIt showsAll my emotions goOut of controlGood for you bad for meWhen I can hardly seeFrom the tears that flow

Monday, May 10, 2010

School is drowning me. 7 teachers, 7 classes, each giving different assignments and totally overwhelming me. I'm so ready to just quit. I don't sleep soundly anymore, instead i wake up stressed due to dreaming about school and/or work. I've gotten to the point where i lose my "cool" all the time and have to do my best to not start bawling.

(This happened today in Chemistry when i asked my teacher how to do a problem and was told it was "idiots algebra." What am i supposed to say to that? Oh yeah, thanks for calling me an idiot. Let me just go shoot myself now.)

After school however I went over to Dest's house because she was literally breaking apart. (I think we're all at breaking point nowadays) Though it was way uncool to see her upset, it was a lot of fun to hang out with her. AND to drive her around! I'm loving this whole provisional off thing!

Now that the day is coming to an end, it's just Drex and I, and the Fox and the Hound. (Arguably the best kids movie ever made!) It's funny cus we're so much more interested in anything that has to do with any sort of hound dog now that we have our Loosie. I totally forgot how sad this movie was! Poor bestfriends being seperated :( So freaking sad!

Alrighty, time to actually pay attention to the movie now! Yay for a not so totally short blog most! I told you I'd get better!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Destinee's sister gave birth to a baby boy last night. Lyric Jude is his name and he is the most precious thing ever. Though I have not been given the privilege of meeting him, he is gorgeous.

I realized today that i have been getting a ridiculous amount of anxiety attacks. Nothing like I have ever had before. One moment i am doing awesome and the next i am freaking out having to sit down and breathe slowly to calm myself. I'm hoping all those will disappear when school is finished. (2 weeks!)

Well I know these have been getting shorter by the second but i have a lovely book summary to do for tomorrow and therefor blogging can't be my first priority!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Today is one of those "I don't feel like blogging" days :) today was ridiculously stressful and bed is calling my name. I suppose this doesn't even count as a day but hey, all I did was work. Which doesn't make for anything too exciting. Alrighty goodnight world :) we'll speak again tomorrow :)

Friday, May 7, 2010

Well here I am, sitting on the floor of a movie theatre waiting to get into Iron Man 2. Oh gosh I feel like such a boy. I'm also craving an ICEE, which is quite unfortunate due to the sad fact that I am pretty much broke. (aside from vacation money which is...well vacation money) Today was one of those really good days. (aside from school but even that wasn't miserbale)

Drex, Dest, Rach, and I got taco king (best Mexican food ever!) and sat in the sunshine talking and laughing at all sorts of things. It's nice to have a boyfriend that is willing to hangout with you and your girlfriends, I thanked him about a bazillion times for that :) Then due to the awesome fact that I got my provisional off, I got to drive Dest home all by myself! It was quite the experience, including lots of wrong turns :)

I drove back to Drex's humble abode and played Halo (I, of course, won). Then we went and cuddled on the bluff in the sunshine. It was like the start of our relationship all over again :) I love that boy oh so much.

Anyways, now it's off to iron man. We'll see how great this movie ends up being. Let's hope for the best :)

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Today was one of those not so exciting days. My day summed up into four simple words: school, dog park, Mooses tooth, and college profile. Awesome right? Talk about average. But honestly an average day is a good one nowadays. My days seem so filled with events and things to do, so one day to literally do nothing is like heaven :)

We took Loosie to the dog park again today. This time though she got to go with her new friend Riley! (Riley is Destinee's puppy) We've been trying to get them together for awhile but today just seemed like the perfect day with Dest and I both not working. It's funny how i feel the best at a dog park. Just that feeling of freedom. Dog's don't judge you. As long as you throw the ball in the right direction they'll go get it. I wish life was more like that; just a matter of throwing the ball the right way and then walking to retrieve it. (Though Loosie isn't a big fan of actually bringing the ball back, she's more of a 'yeah I'll run after it, but you get to go get it.')We love her though. I don't know how we couldn't love her. She gives us all the love in the world. She also helps bring Drex and I together when one of us is all grumpy. It's ridiculous how easy a dog can make you smile. If only she knew how thankful we are for her. Drex might be there to hold me while I cry, but little Loosie is there to lick the tears away; now that's true love :)

There are some days when I feel like I'm missing out by being in a serious relationship. But then I remind myself, there is nothing in this world better than being loved. Sure my days are spent with him, and sure he's not really into getting his nails done (though I did convince him once to get a pedicure), or going shopping for hours. But he's my best friend, and just being with him is more rewarding than any of those things. (Though my nails aren't pretty at the end of the day :p) I'm in love, and therefor not missing out on a thing. So thank you Drex, for bringing my a million smiles and making each day complete. You're the sunshine that warms me on my cloudy days :)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Oh for the love of level-headed boyfriends. What would we do without them?

After my not so happy blog last night, Drex scooped me up into his arms and told me to focus on the things that domake me happy; like taking Loosie swimming for the first time, or going shopping for toys for her, or that through everything I endure, i have an amazing young man standing by my side through it all.

So that's what i'm going to do: Focus on the good and let the stress and anxiety slip away.

Today we got to take Loosie to her first ever dog park! What an adventure that was! She made lots of Doggy friends and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. It was a lot of fun watching her socialize, especially since normally she's cooped up with two small dogs and she's got a lot more energy than the two of them put together. She had a very good time and looks forward to going back! Well it's past my bedtime so off i go! More tomorrow :)

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I got my own personal dose of reality today. Maybe it was having to work again after 4 days off, or being faced with eventful news, or realizing how truly fake people are.

I'm so ridiculously stressed to the point in which i feel like nothing makes me happy. It's like a constant battle of trying to relax for the people around me. College is knocking at my back door, and I am so reluctant to open it. It's not that I'm particularly scared per say, I just want a moment to breathe and get my thoughts all straightened out. Everything is happening much to fast and I feel like I've lost total control of everything. I want to just lay down and sleep, forget about all the crap in life and just have one small moment for me. Life doesn't wait however, and somehow I've got to come to terms with that.

Well this entry is going to have to be short. I've got a poor neglected boyfriend to attend to.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Day three! I'm doing good so far! Whoo! So i was doing this project for my bible class on Taoism, and though i suppose the whole thing in its entirety dosn't make too much sense there was one concept that made me think. "As soon as you make beautiful, you make ugly." That just kind of got me thinking and it makes total sense. One day you tell some girl she looks pretty, well one of those days she's not going to look the same so in that sense doesn't that make her ugly? Oh philosophy :)

Today was Senior Fun Day (our schools equivilant of 'Senior Skip Day), so i didn't get to see Drex much :( But i also realized it's what next years going to be like...going through a whole school day not seeing him and not being able to share all the ridiculous moments or write him notes. It's crazy that small things we totally take for granted until that one day you don't get them.

However today with Drex being gone i got to hangout with Dest which was fun because it's not often we get a day to ourselves. At lunch it was icecream and chit chat and then after school Skylar picked us up and we hung out until she worked. I'm sure she'd kill me if she saw I had posted this picture on here, but i love pictures that people are totally not ready for. I think it shows the person more :) Anyways, that's Skylar and Him and Dest are one of those unofficial things. But deep down it's totally more than that. I'm happy for her though, she is learning to trust again, (whether or not she'd admit that is a wholee different story!) plus he's a really nice guy. (Though he's totally quirky and wears a trilby.) But hey whatever makes her happy right? :) We also got one of those rare opportunities to take a cute picture of ourselves!

I wish the world would just slow down and give me a chance to breathe. I need that one moment in which all time is just put on pause so i can savor every small moment. But i suppose the world doesn't slow down, it just keeps spinning ever so quickly. And if you're not careful it will spin you out of control.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

"I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you." - Roy Croft

It's weird; to love someone more than you love yourself. I suppose today was just like any other Sunday, going by way to fast, hanging out with him, and learning to savor each small smile not knowing when it could be taken from you. I swear we might as well get married. We talk about it all the time, and looking down at the ring on my finger (promise ring mind you!) I get that happy feeling of "AW someone loves me!" But even though i know he does, (which i truly truly do) I often find that fear of losing him creeping up on me. It happens often enough, people break up, it's part of life. I just can't imagine it happening with us.

Well enough about boys right? Saw the nightmare on Elm St last night with Drex and my best friends :) Talk about frightening beyond belief! I swear my eyes were closed half the movie! I've never been to good at scary movies, yet i love them because they give you that thrill. So complicated :) I miss my best friend. I find myself wanting to go back into the future when it was her and I and we were sure we could take over the world. I also miss a smile on her face! I swear she needs that perfect prince charming to come sweep her off her feet and make her believe in love again. (and nice boys!)

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Today I start my project. I've attempted to start it twice now, but have failed both times. This time though, I plan to do it. So...wish me luck and here I go.

Drex and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary today. Talk about crazy! A whole year stuck with one person! No, it's been a blast. And the funny thing is, I'm still completely and crazily in love with him. I began my day alone sadly, marching off much to early in the morning to take the dreaded SATs. Soon enough I finished though, and Drex greeted me with flowers and new Danskos! (SO comfy!) It was lunch from there, and then a lovely walk on the beach. (Well the only thing Alaska has that kind of resembles a beach.) Then a nice dinner, and a movie. Talk about the best way to spend a Saturday right? Speaking of dinner, it's time for me to go get ready! Day 1 down, only 364 more to go! :)