A Space Somewhere in My Heart

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Monthly Archives: October 2012

Since i was 13, i learned how to live my life on my own. I was away , far away from my parents. Far in a remote village in Kelantan . Am too used to do things, decide things on my own.. Masa tu, i still remember, i was so jealous to see parents came to hostel to see their children. Eat together.. laugh together. and I wonder, why am not fortunate enough to be in such situation. Because of the “want” to be lucky, to be loved by parents, i worked hard to be an excellent student. In fact i was the best in the school.

Back then, when i told my parents about how excellent i am at school, one of the response i got was “Being the best in a normal school is nothing compared to a boarding school”. It hits me right there.. my heart. I worked harder… to be accepted to a boarding school, and therefore, i be near to my parents. Allah planned things so well, that i managed to be accepted into a boarding school, among the best in Malaysia. The best religious school in Malaysia…

I continued to work hard.. to be the best among the best .. and yes.. i was among the student who got straight As. Alhamdulillah. That time i knew, my dad wanted me to go to UK to pursue my degree. and yes, i managed to do what he wanted me to do. I did all well. All just to be near to my parents. Just to be the best in their eyes. Just to make them happy. Just to put a smile on their faces. To make them proud. I dont have anybody to please, other than my parents. Why? because that was what the school taught me. Be nice to your parents, and Allah will reward you.

Until now, i still do things to make them happy.. I married to a person who can please and make them happy, hoping they would like my hubby, i delivered their first grandchildren for them. they want granddotter? grandson? there you go.. i delivered them successfully Alhamdulillah. After my degree, when i came back home, my dad said “I really hope my children will get education higher that what i had”. Straight away.. Master and PHD came to my mind. “Aha, that will make them happier if i manage to do kan?”. Alhamdulillah i got my CIFP.

I just realised, baru je tadi realise, i am getting tired of doing these.. please people.. while put aside my own feelings. When people do not even give a damn to my feelings. AT ALL! wow..

I think it is just not fair, after 29 years, ummi said i am jahat in front of my own dotter. it is not fair after what i have done just to please them. phew… heartbroken wehh.. hati ni macam ditoreh torehhh jeee… it is about my pride as a painter..

I am the painter of a white canvas.. instilling (i dunno if this is the right word) good values in my own kids. Please dont be an uninvited painter laa.. well you can be one if you do in a right way kan ? tp .. what ? “Mummy jahat?”.. ” Haah, Mummy awak jahat..”.. what the ….???? #!%$!%! biar betol!!!!

the kids mmg takkan faham.. but they remember ! they are like a sponge, semua pon diorg amik.. What if one day she said the same thing to me after i have raised them.. I never say my ummi jahat.. i never even thot my umi jahat… dia marah saya tak pandai masak, dia komplen sy tak pandai buat kerja rumah, dia tak pernah acknowledge pon pencapaian saya disekolah.. dan itu tak buat sy kata dia jahat..

After 29 years, umi said i jahat.. twice .. during eid, and now in front of my own dotter. What does that tell you? I MMG JAHAT LA… what laa.. adoiyaii… kecewa betul…I dont want to hear for the third time haha..

Conclusion, lets move out. TOTALLY.. jom! (Hubby, please bring me out of this house) 5 years living under the same roof with parents really teach me a LOT. 1. Put things in a very positive manner. 2. People have pride, and please jaga air muka seseorang, even depan seorang anak kecil. 3. Love them even if we know they hate us soo much. 4. and last but not least, FORGIVE AND FORGET. ( I told u Lucy, dont go too far.. huhu)

It has been more than 3 days since Eid, and that frustration is still here.. when i frust, i feel upset, i feel useless, i feel stupid too sometimes. I got frustrated when my mum said i never treat my husband well like other wife does to her husband. I know, I should accept any feedback in a positive way. But am only a human being, easily get frustrated with any negative feedback. no matter how hard i tried to be optimist.

It is me, if I feel bad, i tried to let everything out by telling my good friend. Hoping that the bad feeling will fade away.. just like that..Well at the same time, while sharing my situation with others, i might get some different views/opinion/analysis that i might be overlooked.

Tapi tulah… the way how ummi put , the way how ummi say it, it hurts me, a lot.. when i say a lot, i really mean it.. huhuhu..

I almost cry .. huhu.. but because it was Eid , so i just put that feeling aside.

Today, after few deliberations, based on respect, based on love, i decided to take the blame. yeah, may be it could be my fault.. it could be that i really dont treat my husband well.. it could be that the way i talk, the way i do things , hurt people around me.. especially my husband.. may be that was what ummi wanted to tell me..

Yeah, may be kan? may be i salah… mungkin umi cakap tu betul..OK! i will keep trying to do my best. Change what i need to change. Be a better person, mother, wife and dotter even sister.

But, if … if .. if. Seriously, IF only any of my family member read this blog, i wanted to tell you my dear sister/brother/ or husband.. please.. trust and believe me, that i have done the best i can.. and will always do my best …InsyaAllah

Genap 12 tahun, ternyata , saya semakin tua dan semakin pelupa.. dan sy terfikir, mgkn elok sy menulis blog untuk sekian kalinya. Yes, LucyGoAway. That’s my new blog. Why lucy ? because I am a forgetful Lucy. I easily forget things. I think I might be suffering from short term memory lost disease. Probably la kan.. and u know what, this Lucy is killing me since last 7 months ago. Oh yaa… am getting old. December is coming and i will be a year wiser or hmm… forgetter? is that the correct word? ya there you go, forget again.. hahha

This morning, when i was having Sahur with my parents and my brother, Wildan, i tried to make a conversation with my dad (Baba). well, just to make things happening at the table, rather than only makan makan saja, better if we have some bonding conversation kan ? So i started the conversation by telling them about my good frens Brother Ryan and Sister Amy who are interested to join and experience the celebration of Eid Al Adha. I was surprised with the response given by Baba. “Raya bukan untuk enjoy enjoy. awak dah salah concept, Raya itu penghayatan kita tentang hubungan kita dan Allah, bukan nak enjoy enjoy suka suka”. I replied “Baba, kakak cakap, mereka nak JOIN bukan nak ENJOY. They wanted to experience the celebration.. i thot it should be ok for them to join us”. Baba seemed to disagree with my argument. He kept saying “kakak is wrong”. and Wildan was standing behind Baba with his 2 thumbs up, teasing me since Baba disagreed with me. Childish huh? that’s my third brother.. hehe..

Masa ni, i really wanted to reply tau , to answer my Baba back. Telling him that i was surprised to get such responses from a person i respect the most. But i decided to keep quiet. My mum (Ummi) was just smiling. Dalam melayu cakap “senyuman yang penuh bermakna”. As much as i refused to argue Baba back, my mind keep thinking. Why baba has such responses?

I still remember, whenever people come to me, asking anything about religion, if i cannot answer them i will tell them “it is ok, i will come back to you after i consult my parents”. They will say “oh you are so lucky you have a person to turn to whenever you have question about Islam”.

Yes, i never have specific guru in my life, ever, religious guru or ustaz or ustazah in my life ever. My parents are my Guru ever since i was small. Eventhough i enrolled to a religious school when i was 10 years old, i already know how to read Quran. I knew how to read since i was 5 as much as i remember la .. My tajwid, my pronounciation semua precise.. alhamdulillah,(ok cuma now i lupa kan, sometimes tersalah juga) .. even my ustaz in my primary school surprised with my recitation. Who is my guru again ? My BABA and my UMMI, and my grandmother (Sitti). No one else, only them. Who are my idols? THEM.. Who are my inspirations? THEM.. simple.. and am very grateful to have such BABA, UMMI and SITTI.. any Question about Islam, any Question about fardhu áin, i can turn to them.

Back on my story at the table this morning, yes, i frustrated with the responses. But an hour after the argument, and ketidak puas hatian, i come to a conclusion, of why Baba gave such responses..

FORGET. yes, that is my answer and conclusion. BABA forgets. Forget what ? He forgets, the meaning of JOIN and ENJOY. huhuu.. simple kan ?