If you watch TV ever, then you will at some point see commercials advertising the website Ancestry.com and the things that people find out about their ancestors on there. They usually feature some people who talk about heroes they were related to, or their Uncle was born a slave and died a businessman. It was really touching at some parts; both I and Baby Fwan needed at least one Kleenex when it came on. Anyway, to get back to my pointless story, me and the buns (or the buns and I, or myself and thy group of buns, or more formal I could say Thy Buns and Thyself) decided to sign-up there and see what’s what. After all, they say that “you don’t need to know exactly what you are looking for; you just have to start looking.” Kinda like copping drugs in the city. Anyway, here is what we have learned about us so far:

Myself

I found out that my brother’s uncle’s adopted illegitimate son’s neighbor’s son actually cared for the dog who was once owned by the adopted son’s Great Great Uncle, who was related, through marriage, to the late Siamese twin sister of the owner of Pap’s Bakery, whose mother once prostituted herself to the famous Nostradamus, after his family died of the Black Plague of course. I can’t tell you how honored I feel that I am so closely related to a prophetic legend. Oh and I found out that my fifth removed Grandfather was Vito Corleone’s right-hand man. I mean that literally; when he knew him Vito Corleone didn’t have a right hand, so he needed my great granddad to do all of the tasks that he couldn’t then do with his own right-hand. I can only speak for myself, but I think $400.00 a month for the next twelve years on my Amex card is a miniscule amount in exchange for finding out your true roots.

Thumper

Poor Thumps, we found out that his entire extended family (about 1200 people), going back almost 900 years, had a combined I.Q. of only 34. This had devastating effects on the confidence of Thumper’s relatives, one of them was stabbed in a drive by, one got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W’s, and one even got fired from the jigsaw puzzle factory for throwing out all the broken puzzles that were in pieces. Poor Thumps was born, but his mother didn’t realize she was supposed to keep the baby, so she just handed him over for adoption, along with his 43 other twins born that day. I hate to admit it, but anyone related to Thumper was doomed to spend an eternity of being stupid. Poor Thumps.

Baby Fwan

Following Baby Fwan’s lineage was one of the more interesting ones that I did. I found out that both of Frannie’s parents were Polish Yahtzee champions, who toured Poland during the 1950’s and ..uh..well..play Polish Yahtzee I guess. Incredibly, Frannie’s Great Great Great Grandmother Aunt Gertrude, was genetically altered, having her DNA spliced with the nucleus from a pumpernickel bagel, thus creating the interesting characteristics we see on Frannie today. Apparently, having steel wool for whiskers was a totally unexpected turn out. They felt she was worth the trouble, so they turned a blind eye to the mistakes. When Fran was young, her aunt and the cast of Different Strokes robbed a string of nursing homes at gun point, very troubling. Also, all of the women in Frannie’s side were fat just like Frannie is, and 60% of them also had detachable flying ears as well, so I thought that was pretty neat. One thing I realized from all this, is that I finally realized all of the realizations I had been putting off for a while, and now I finally realize it and I’m putting a stop to it.

Last but certainly not least is the little guy, aka Dr. Freckles and Mr. Jive because of his two-face reputation. It turns out that Sydney is related, by blood, to a retarded African Chimpanzee named “Wee Wee”. I know I know, it is sounds crazy, but hear me out, it’s true. Wee Wee frequently charges at her gate head first and totally sacrifices his body for the ultimate prize, which is killing you :) The rest of Syd’s family tree got uprooted by Hurricane Muhammad, so my research ended there, a shame but what can I do right?

Boy, this sure is a small world when you have a gaggle of booby rabbits.