Clued in to joy of short names with vowels

Ms. Gonick

Published 4:00 am, Saturday, November 11, 2006

The road to immortality is paved with three things: publicity, vowels and brevity. Of course, this is true only if you believe, as I do, that immortality is measured by the frequency with which one's name gets into crossword puzzles.

The publicity factor ensures that the name will be known, the brevity that it can fit, the vowels that it can play well with others. Even if it didn't in actual life.

Take Idi Amin. A good clue for Idi would be "Ugandan tyrant." A bad one would be: "She blamed it on the bossa nova." That's because the latter isn't meant for Idi at all, but for Eydie. Eydie Gorme, who does play well with others, or at least with Steve Lawrence, whose name never seems to show up at all.

Disney Reportedly Bringing New 'Muppets' Series to Streaming ServiceWibbitz

Cultural importance of 'Black Panther'Fox 26 Houston

Cute Puppy Looking for His ValentineStoryful

Matt LeBlanc Had The Nicest Reaction To Jennifer Aniston’s Split From Justin Theroux And More NewsMarieClaire

I didn't even do crossword puzzles until I lived with my friend Sunny and saw her doing them every morning, very quickly, in her kitchen, in ink. Ink! In the New York Times, yet! Sunny's confidence always impressed me, but this feat struck me as totally stunning. Or stunned me as totally striking, which is how you start thinking once the puzzling begins.

"You're amazing!" I told her, as I did then every two minutes because she did amaze me every two minutes.

"I just do the ones I know," she said modestly.

And sure enough, she left big chunks of it blank and went right on to make breakfast. As someone who doesn't get how a person can do this and think she still gets to live, I was struck and stunned even more.

Then Happy, Sunny's boyfriend, trundled downstairs into the kitchen and happily filled in the rest of the blanks, also quickly, also in ink. I looked at Sunny.

"He's English," she shrugged.

As a British Boomer, Happy's education forced him to use words all the time, plus he's kept up with the BBC news. This means he knows every Shakespearean reference, which in turn includes every historical, literary and even biblical reference, plus, with BBC input, every conceivable contemporary reference.

He also remembers his Roman numerals. Except for everything concerning world sports, which as a soccer-crazed man he also has down, Roman numerals are the most essential things a puzzler can know. Then comes the concept of brief names with vowels, which, by the way, applies to dogs too. To wit:

Clue 1: Beloved canine of Nick and Nora.

Clue 2: Canine bane of Garfield's existence.

Answers: Not Lassie and not Rin Tin Tin.

Real answers: See below.

After two weeks of looking oer (crossword for "over") Happy's competent shoulder, I was ready to work my own crossword puzzle. And then came the huge revelation.

"Why didn't anyone tell me how wonderfully eclipsing this is?" I asked Happy and Sunny after spending three hours completing a puzzle designed for the dullest of dullards. "I had no idea crosswords offered such total escape! They keep you from thinking of one other thing!"

"Eh what?" Happy asked.

"They're better than Xanax!" I went on. "One not only stops caring, one stops even knowing."

"Come again?" said Happy.

"She means she finds it relaxing," Sunny said in his ear.

"Ah!" he said. "Right you are there, old sausage! Carry on. Carry on!"

And I did carry on, albeit in pencil and without any help except what I once got from Leap, my late cat, which was mostly moral support, since he didn't speak English.

And now, as with all addictions, I love it and hate it in equal measure. And, as with all of life's puzzles, I find that the true puzzle far exceeds the visible puzzle. Why, for instance, should qualities as inane as shortness and vowels get to dictate something as ane as immortality? And why does "inane" get to be a real word while poor "ane" does not? Especially considering insane and sane. As you see, I no longer find crosswords relaxing. Au contraire, they send my bitty brain spiraling.

Why 1. Asta; and 2. Odie (see canine clues listed above) when Lassie and Rin Tin Tin are so clearly more worthy? Why "Lennon's widow" as a clue for Ono when "Hawaiian fish" would work just as well?

Why Gardner and Lupino at all? Why Skye and Judge? Chaplin and Thurman? I'll tell you why. Because Ava and Ida. Ione and Ito. Oona and Uma. I don't even know who Brian Eno is, but I use his last name all the time anyway.