Donald Trump Blasts Biblical Moses as ‘Incompetent and Weak’

Bible-thumping President calls famed lawgiver ‘a yuuuge loser who didn’t have a clue how to negotiate’

President Trump says that his famous inability to cite a single Bible verse has forced him recently “to take just one more look inside my favorite Book, of course only to refresh my memory about some of the details.”

Moses: ‘A yuuuge loser!’

He was truly amazed at what he had “rediscovered.” During a press conference held in the lobby of Trump Tower, the darling of the Evangelicals noted in an uncharacteristically hushed voice: “Did you know that God started out as property developer too, just like me? You won’t believe this, but I’ve always felt a deep kinship with Him.”

Mr Trump went on: “Also didja know He made the earth in only six days? That’s almost miraculous! Let me tell you, the Trump Organization has a cubicle for Mr Jehovah any time he wants. Tell Him to send his resume to Don Jr.”

Another thing that re-struck him, Mr Trump said, was what a “yuuuge, sorry loser” Moses was, and how weak and incompetent he had proved in his negotiations with pharaoh. He’d been almost as bad as Obama negotiating with Iran.

“I’m sorry to say it, but President Moses wasn’t very smart. Apparently, he was pharaoh’s adopted grandson, or his son-in-law, or something, so at least he shoulda tried being nicer to the old boy.

“Frankly, he couldn’t negotiate his way out of a reed basket floating down the Nile, even after pharaoh’s daughter adopted him, or so she said.

“By the way,” he added with a smirk, ” if she’d had tits like my daughter Ivanka I probably would have grabbed them or even something else. Later maybe I’d even have dated her.”

Mr Trump went on to emphasize that “the art of the deal does no include threatening the other side with just plagues and famines. Fire and fury such as the world has never seen, now that’s negotiating,” he said, “but we can talk about North Korea later.”

The president continued: “In Moses’ case, it just hardened pharaoh’s heart, so that even after he let the people go he reneged on the deal and came after them. I call that a failed negotiation. That won’t happen with fried Kim Jong Un, believe me.”

Mr Trump observed that if he’d been the Israelite president, he would have worked for and secured a much better treaty.

“Short of fire and fury, which Moses obviously didn’t have the guts for, you hafta ask yourself, what does the other side want? Then give them as little as you can while making it look like they’re getting it all and you’re taking a beating.”

He added: “A good example were my empty, bombastic promises to the American electorate. They thought theywere gonna get something but really it was all just political methane gas to heat things up.”

Mr Trump said that instead of boils and frogs, he would have offered pharaoh “a nice little property deal, which is what everybody wants, anyway, amirite? I am right. Ask Putin.”

“I’d have told him, ‘Listen, Rameses, or whatever his name, I know you want some kinda pyramids in Giza or Gaza to store all your grain, like Ben Carson said, but you don’t have the labor. That’s why you won’t let my people go, amirite? I am right.”

He laughed. “Well relax, King Tut, or whatever, you obviously never heard of undocumented immigrants. We’ll still do it for you and even get the Sumerians to pay for it. A hundred thousand men over 20 years? No problem. And then we’ll leave.

“I’ll even throw in a sphynx. You’ll be able to build a whole tourist industry around it, believe me.”

Mr Trump closed out the press conference by noting that he was also studying the “instructive” story of David and Goliath. “The big guy should’ve just held up his shield, like a bankruptcy law” he said.

“That’s what laws are for, believe me, to protect me and my friends. And then afterwards he squashes that little punk like Mueller with his big, fat, hairy presidential thumbs. Because that’s what the law and big fat, hairy presidential thumbs are for.”

He sighed. “Like Jesus said, Do unto others before they do unto you. God I love the Bible.”