Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Great news for non-fans! Your prayers have been heard. The Tankees are spending bigly to improve the "ol' ballpark." The team will add seven (7) new "social gathering spaces," including bars, food stands, restaurants, a kiddie playground, cell phone chargers, breast pump stations and an in-game liposuction clinic! (Actually, no tummy tucks - but why not?) Yes, friends, you read it right: The Yankees are getting breast enhancements, the mothers' milk of pure pinstriped pride and passion!

(Side Note: On the matter of breasts, let's remember that the Yankees are always playing catch-up with their silicon-basted rivals, the bosomy, bra-bursting Bosocks. As you can see, when the traditional Redsock icon at the right is turned on its side, it becomes a giant pair of red boobs filled with three pair of white boobs. Dear God, it's practically a blow-up sex toy.)

The stadium enhancements offer new opportunities for fans to drink, spend money, count steps on their Fitbit bracelets and fidget on their phones, in case the game is dull. A huge open sports lounge means the party will be going the distance - you can carouse and mingle and - who knows? - maybe hookup for a quick pop. A trip to Yankee Stadium will be like visiting your favorite mall: You can do Starbucks, eat a steak, disco dance and pump your breasts as dry as the oilfields outside Houston. And it's just the start. Someday, we can envision a monorail whisking us to the Yankee World of Tomorrow, where animated automations of Jeet and Mo describe great moments in team history. Our brand is getting a service-friendly makeover, just in case the franchise is down for a while. We're boosting our W.A.E. - Wins Above Enhancement.

Insert sigh here.

I've never been to the new stadium. Seven years, and I'm still angry. It's my fault. I just thought it was a bad idea, ripping down a perfectly good ballpark, especially one that folks commonly described as a cathedral. Back when Rudy Giuliani was greasing the skids for the new park, I still didn't think we would do it. I figured somebody would stand up and say, "Are you nuts? You can't tear down the original Yankee Stadium! It's a piece of American culture. It's our Westminster Abbey. It's our Colosseum. It's the House That Ruth Built! You can fix it, you can improve it, but you CAN'T replace it." But nobody came forward, and tear it down we did.

And then - even to this day - when Yankee old-timers return, the YES announcers will say they are back at the old stadium - which is something right out of Orwell's vision about changing the past, because none of them ever played here. Nope, the Yankees tore it down, built a new one and still pretend nothing changed... and - aww, hell - I guess I'm a lousy fan, not willing to shell out to support poor Hal, whose billion dollar gift from the taxpayers will soon offer a new party lounge.

I wonder if there will be money left over for a closer? Breast pumps aren't cheap.

I care way less about breastpump stations (which are increasingly common in line with public restrooms, etc.), than I do about shit like people doing the wave, flashing the lights after homeruns or the kiddie playpark -- all stuff that the Yankees used to look down on other teams for fostering. Fireworks Nights coming soon. We all know it.

You can get lines of Columbian cocaine; funnel tequila to your heart's content; drink the original absinthe ; smoke dope in elaborate and fruit-flavorerd ( your choice ) Hooka's; and watch the breast pumping station on closed circuit TV.