Envision "excitement." Do you see fireworks? A cowboy monkey riding a dog? Hot babes with nose drugs? How about letters and numerals? Now, if you're Koch Records, maybe the first three are all well and good, but it looks like the ol' putting-a-letter-with-a-number trick never fails to stir up some thrills. See, America's largest indie record company is looking to step its game up a little bit in these tough economic times with a good old-fashioned name change. And what did they choose? Capuchin Recordings? Taco'rustlin? Columbian Lady, Inc? Oh no... they went all out and took an "E," funked it up, and slapped a "1" on it -- and voila, ladies and gentlemen, we have E1 Recordings.

Not sure of the exact reason for the revamp, but in spite of the badness affecting record industry stalwarts WEA, Universal, EMI, and Sony, the newly-christened E1 says it is doing pretty alright and avoiding the cutbacks. Bravo, E1. But don't take it from me; take it from General Manager Alan Grunblatt, who stated in a press release that "We are looking at the best year in our history. We are just changing our name to E1 and will continue to change the game."

Lose the watch, man. According to Pitchfork, there’s a new independent film coming out soon (and in glorious TECHNICOLOR at that!) called Know Your Mushrooms, and its soundtrack will feature contributions (musical and possibly otherwise) by everyone’s favorite white men on the chessboard: The Flaming Lips. (Animal Collective must have been deemed a little too bad-trip-prone for this one... oh, plus they’re probably busy charting...)

Directed by Grass documentarian Ron “Maaan” Mann and featuring ’shroom expert Larry Evans, the film will apparently, you know, steer pretty clear of any attempts to legitimize its subject and will likely reinforce the HELL out of every hallucinogenic stereotype in the book as it "opens the doors to perception, takes the audience on a longer, stranger trip and delivers them to a brave new world where the fungi might well guide humanity to a saner, safer place… with extra cheese…" according to its website.

But hey, that’s just, like, my opinion, man. Besides, there’s no stopping this multi-colored microbus of a film now! Know Your Mushrooms premiered this past December and is already hitting the festival circuit and art houses in North America. Stops on the magical mystery tour will include screenings at SXSW March 14, Cinematheque Winnepeg March 13-15, and Vancouver's The Vancity April 3-6.

And in celebration of the film, our boys the Lips have put a brand new song from the movie called "Anything You Say Now I Believe You" on their MySpace page. The movie also features "The Wizard Turns On..." from At War with the Mystics and The Soft Bulletin's "What Is the Light?" Wizards? Mysterious light? Man, what a geeky ass drug mushrooms are!

I almost blew my load... of laundry as I overloaded my washer while reading an urgent text message that Flight of the Conchords, New Zealand's fourth most popular folk duo, have announced a tour in support of their sophomore album for Sub Pop. Here's a list of things you can do while waiting for the not-so-secret pre-sale to the facial hair of Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie, up close and personal.

- Read sheep jokes- Make a toothbrush fence- Participate in a Team-Building Exercise- Watch new episodes of the second Season of Flight of the Conchords on HBO.- Read list of tourdates below, repetitively, for an unhealthy amount time until everyone who loves you leaves and all you have left is seeing FOTC live. After that, you have nothing to live for

If I close my eyes, I can still clearly envision my first encounter with Throbbing Gristle. The scene was a common one at that particular time in my life: after-school retail hell at a record store. The degenerate staffers took turns manning the stereo, pimping their cred by playing whatever stone cold classic or latest thing no one else had ever heard before (it was a regular Empire Records or High Fidelity, it was!). However, the customer is always right, so any requests to hear a release trumped the unknown nonsense that was being played at that time (this was before listening posts became de rigueur).

Naturally, some customers would monopolize the stereo, and a French DJ named Louie was one of the biggest time hoggers. He spun exclusively industrial-type music and harsh sound, and if he liked something, he would shout out, “Ooh, I like dat!” If he really liked something, he would grab the record like a seagull snatches an errant french fry and smell the vinyl. No joke. More often than not, when he LOVED something, he would take a huge whiff of wax, then pop his boner out of his flies and slap it against the record while stuttering, “I-I-I.. looove it so much… p-p-lease… pplease. Oooaaahhh!” Okay, that last part was a white lie, but he did get overly excited for his “most favorites” like Throbbing Gristle. You know, Louie wasn’t that over the line with his enthusiasm; after an endless barrage of stock beats, Gristle was always a welcome and interesting change of pace.

There are plenty of Throbbing Gristle recordings to pick and choose from, depending on your mood -- from wanting some severe pain or a dash of devastating carnage -- but according to our friends at The Daily Swarm, the quartet of Peter Christopherson (TMT Interview), Chris Carter, Genesis P-Orridge, and Cosey Fanni Tutti will actually be playing LIVE in the U.S in April, their first dates since 1981! In fact, by my calculations, if it weren't for two shows in Los Angeles and San Francisco that year, these new gigs would be the very first Stateside for the pioneers.

Apart from the confirmed Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival appearance on April 19 (playing fourth on the bill, before Yeah Yeah Yeahs, My Bloody Valentine, and The Cure), performances in three other cities have allegedly been announced. The New York and San Francisco visits will apparently comprise both an afternoon set featuring a performance of their 1981 soundtrack to Derek Jarman’s avant garde film In the Shadow of the Sun and an evening show of hits and killer filler

In October 2007, the online music community was robbed of one of its most beloved havens... errr, I mean... the law brought justice to the online music breeding ground of corruption, sin, and piracy -- or something like that. Upon the shutting down of torrent giant OiNK, former members have been waiting with bated breath to hear what would become of their kin. Well, according to TorrentFreak, the four uploaders, who all plead guilty to copyright infringement charges at Teesside Crown Court last December, will be facing some cold hard time: serving their community.

That’s right, these "pirates" will all serve sentences ranging from 0 to 180 hours of community service, with fees from Â£378 to Â£500. The judge claimed that what kept these sentences fairly light was the fact that the four dudes had good references and strong legal representation.

An additional uploader and former site admin Allan Ellis are still awaiting trial, which is expected to proceed in March.

Hey chumps, I’m back with another batch of news. The news queue was totally boring this week, so I just decided to write about bands that are releasing records. All the good shit got scooped up. I’m actually in a good mood today, so these might seem unusually nice. Don’t worry, I haven’t gone soft; the bitch will be back next week.

- Welsh dudes Super Furry Animals are droppin’ a new record April 21 via Rough Trade Records. The album is currently untitled and the very first track is called “The Very Best of Neil Diamond.” Fuck yeah! While the album comes out on April 21, you can get it digitally on the band's website April 16.

- Merge signed Seattle band Telekinesis. Telekinesis is Michael Benjamin Lerner, who wrote and sang all the songs and even played almost all the instruments on the self-titled LP, which comes out April 7, 2009 (and was produced by Chris Walla, holla). The touring band will include David Broecker, Jonie Broecker, and Chris Staples, and will be hittin’ the road in late February with Ra Ra Riot. Check ’em out in your town. They’ll also be at Noise Pop and SXSW.

- Extra Golden are releasing Thank You Very Quickly March 10 via Thrill Jockey. This is their third album, following up Hera Ma Nono and Ok-Oyot System. In March, they will be touring the UK with Oliver Mtudkudzi and Baaba Maal as part of the African Soul Rebels tour.

- Tortoise are droppin’ their first album of original jams in five years on Thrill Jockey too. Their new LP is currently untitled and will be out April 21. Bitches better tour; that’s all I’m sayin’.

- Phosphorescentsupposedly has records coming out in 2009. Take that! To Willie, a collection of Willie Nelson songs redone Houck-style, will be released in February on Dead Oceans.

- I guess I could have written about the Coachella lineup, but really, who gives a fuck? Didn’t The Cure headline in 2004? Nevermind. Mr P asked me to include it. ANYWAY — so yeah, Coachella is April 17-19 in Indio California. Friday’s lineup includes Sir Paul McCartney, the Mozz, Franz Ferdinand, Leonard Cohen, and some others (The Crystal Method? Still?). Saturday’s lineup includes The Killers (really), Thievery Corporation (thanks Langerado), Amy Winehouse (if she shows up), MSTRKRFT, and Fleet Band of Horse/Foxes. Sunday is The Cure (AGAIN), My Blood Valentine, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Throbbing Gristle (awesome!), and others… It’s your typical stuff; I will say that I do like most of the bands playing this year... with the exception of Billy Talent? Who the fuck let him out?

Boys, I'm sure you're all very familiar with your favorite masturbating techniques. Stick with them. But for all y'all ladies out there, here are some tips that will prove orgasmic before you head out to the of Montreal show:

- Dildo Sculpture: Go to an art store and buy some Plastiline clay. It's grey and comes in blocks, about 4 lbs. Mold it into any shape dick you like, and stick a condom on it. Then you can use it as a dildo. The good thing is you can always remold this clay. It's very realistic feeling.

- Baster Suction: Take the rubber bulb off a turkey baster and place it over your clit. Then squeeze it and release to create suction on your clit. It feels just like someone is sucking your pussy.

- Slip 'n' Slide: Wrap a bunched-up towel with Saran Wrap and put lube on it. It makes for a serious orgasmic experience. Put a few pillows together, place the wet, slippery towel on them, and then ride it! It feels so naughty.

- Kodak Moment: Get an empty film cylinder, one of the little plastic ones. Lick the rim of it and put it over your clit. Squeeze the sides and it creates a suction. Gently flick it while you put the end of a hairbrush in your pussy. Also works well in the shower when you fill it with warm water.

- The of Montreal Crouch: Throw Skeletal Lamping (TMT Review) on a stereo system with a subwoofer. Turn down the treble, turn up the bass, and press play. Straddle the subwoofer during "For Our Elegant Castle." It'll feel like the Virgin Mary's vibrator.

Problem: You love Massive Attack. You love samples. You love samples used by Massive Attack. Yet, in the 10+ years the band has been in existence, never before have you been able to find all those samples neatly compiled into one convenient compact disc.

Solution: Blammo! Until now, that is! The nice people over at Rapster Records have worked their sample-compiling magic on the legendary Bristol trip-hop group's catalogue in the same vein as the label's 2007 release, Discovered, a collection of songs sampled by Daft Punk. This means you get samples, you get covers, you get that "Be Thankful For What You've Got" song stuck in your head all day!

The collection, entitled Protected: Massive Samples, is due February 17, 2009 and is intended to coincide with the release of the rumoured to-be-upcoming Massive Attack album, tentatively titled Weather Underground.

- Mahjongg started a tour yesterday, but I'm not reporting about it until today because, really, who lives in Dekalb, IL? Thankfully, Mahjongg are all set to get back on track, touring reputable places, such as Grinnell, IA tonight. Their latest release, Kontpab, was released last year on K.

- Don Caballero, best known for inventing the 4/4 time signature, are embarking on a Western U.S. tour this February 3 in support of last year's Punkgasm. A bunch of the dates are with sBACH, the kinda sorta solo project of Spencer Seim (Hella and The Advantage). And a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 -- rest -- drop an eighth-note, 6, down-beat, GO!

- Extra Life is led by Charlie Looker, who has played with Zs, Dirty Projectors, John Zorn, Glenn Branca, Christian Wolff, and many more. In other words, I'm trying to legitimize his current NY-based band through related projects -- you know, to create the illusion of authenticity and shit. Anyway, it's working, because you really love this band now. Tour starts at Wesleyan University on February 5.