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The Breaking Point

I can count on one hand how many people in my life I’ve actually felt a deep emotional attachment to and even though I think it’s pretty lame, what can you do? It almost always ends in this physical illness that impacts my entire life’s activities. It’s not like I lose the will to live or anything dramatic like that but it seriously makes me physically ill not to have control over something I care so much about.

It’s terrible because any attempt you make to help the other party understand is futile…you can’t make someone understand a feeling when they just don’t care. Feelings aren’t meant to be understood anyway, they’re meant to be felt, amirite? It’s worse when things end amicably because you have no reason to convince yourself never to talk to that person again. And even worse when it’s like “you didn’t do anything, it’s just me.” Right, but it wasn’t “you” for that last ____ months so why now? No explanation…just an excuse.

I just feel like I don’t really know what to do to entertain myself until this feeling passes. It always does, but when I dwell on something I dwell on something. And what the hell, he just doesn’t think about me at all? Because I think about it all damn day. And every time I check my phone, my stomach drops to my feet because there is nothing. Verification of what I already know– he doesn’t give a shit. My phone is on silent so I can’t hear him not texting me.

The thing I think that upsets me the most is him saying it’s not necessarily that he doesn’t want a relationship as much as it is that he’s scared to be in one because he doesn’t want to get hurt. So the obvious alternative is to hurt me instead? How nice. I mean it’s pretty obvious you don’t want to get hurt…no one does. Including me, surprise.

I’m so pissed I keep telling myself not to get involved with the next guy and the next and the next and I’m just an idiot who doesn’t listen over and over. Honestly, it’s kind of a lesson I deserve until I finally learn to stop opening up to people.