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Topic: Etiquette Quagmire (Read 19158 times)

I agree within the others. Saying anything about your brothers need if the card implies you are willing to let him drive it if the is a "need".

Call your aunt, explain what is going on, and say you'd like to visit another time. Then tell you're mom that you are sure they will have a nice weekend mind that you've already called your aunts with your regrets.

Call your aunt, explain what is going on, and say you'd like to visit another time. Then tell you're mom that you are sure they will have a nice weekend mind that you've already called your aunts with your regrets.

I agree with this. And I would answer any questions with a flat, "Letting bro use my car isn't an option," on repeat.

I respectfully disagree with the advice to call the aunt and "explain what is going on." I think that would bring the aunt into the mother-daughter conflict, basically saying "I can't come see you, Aunt, because Mom is being so unreasonable." I can't see that it would help the OP in her relationship with her mother to do that.

My opinion is that the OP tell her mom, "I'm driving to Aunt's in my car" and do so. The OP, while living at home, is an adult, and she can stand up for herself. I don't think that missing out on the weekend on the Cape is necessary. I would take a strong stance here, because otherwise it's going to happen again and again that the mother will pressure the OP to loan her car to her brother, and the OP has very good reasons not to do so.

The trick is to be as polite as possible to the mother. "Mom, I'm sorry, I just can't do that" is a good, vague response when the mother leans on the OP to loan her car. Keep repeating that.

Well we are taking my car down to my Aunt's this weekend which is fine with me. Mmrgg.... At least that is what she says, and it took a huge fight to get that result. I don't want to go into the details. I really don't have to worry about my brother borrowing my car without asking. I only have one set of keys.

Normally I wouldn't justify, but besides my own limited funds at the moment my aunt also has limited parking. She lives in apartment housing and shares her garage/driveway with another tenant. I don't know if street parking is aloud (they are private roads) and I also don't remember anyone parking on the street last time I visited.

Then I'd say leave an hour before your mother and make the parking her problem!

Logged

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

I respectfully disagree with the advice to call the aunt and "explain what is going on." I think that would bring the aunt into the mother-daughter conflict, basically saying "I can't come see you, Aunt, because Mom is being so unreasonable." I can't see that it would help the OP in her relationship with her mother to do that.

The only reason I would consider calling the Aunt is that, if the OP has been specifically invited, simply not turning up leaves a large open space for the OP's mother to fill - quite possibly with very unfair and unjustified comments about the OP herself. For instance:

Aunt: Where's OP?Mom: Oh, she decided that her car was more important than seeing you and so, since she doesn't trust Son for some stupid reason, she didn't bother to come. I had hoped she would have the manners to call and tell you she wasn't coming, but it would seem not.

For that reason, I would consider calling and giving my apologies. You don't need to give a reason other than 'I'm afraid something's come up and I won't be able to make it', but calling will prevent that risk.

Like others say, "Mom, I need to be firm on the fact that brother cannot ever use my car. If that means I don't go to Aunt's so be it. I will call her and let her know I can't attend."

Then with Aunt, stick to the facts: "Aunt, I am so sorry that I will not be able to see you this weekend after all. Mom presented me a choice between letting brother have access to my car this weekend (and believe me, he has already had 3 strikes in that area) or visiting you. I am not picking my car over you, as much I am picking having strong boundaries with my mom and brother. I am sorry you have to deal with the fall out but I hope to see you soon."