Burning Desires

I dreamed that I stood near a large bonfire and watched the flames consume my once-favorite book. Piles of the same book were stacked one on top of the other and the fire spiraled around the pile, browning the papers and bending the edges until each book turned into a charred clump of ashes. Burned scraps of paper fell like snowflakes around me and the sparks danced in front of my eyes. The book was the Ritva in its many editions, large and small, new and old printings. The entire collection of the Ritva’s work, his complete commentary on the Talmud, was being eaten by the most destructive force I had access to. I felt a kinship with the flames, as if they were an extension of my arm, my own far reaching breath, eating and vomiting the words.

When I awoke I was in my bed, where I’d fallen exhausted the night before. My half-finished lab report lay spread across my desk. My clothes, scattered over my chair, looked like a modernist sculpture in the dim lighting of the room. A thin white line, as if painted across the room, was formed by the sliver of sunlight entering through the small opening between my window curtains. I stepped across the line of sunshine, removed my clothes from the chair and closed my lab notebook. In my mind, the dream still vivid, I saw once again the flames dancing around the Ritva.

A friend once told me he wanted to set his entire collection of sacred Jewish texts on fire out of rage for their wrongful ideas. That would be wrong, I told him. Burning a book shows a lack of faith in human reason. If you believe a book to contain wrongful ideas, you must believe that you can refute them by reason; the material destruction of them would then be unnecessary. Additionally, the history of burning books is enough to give you pause before committing an act historically reserved for the repression of reason and critical thinking.

That I would entertain a thought like that caught me by surprise. In my dream I didn’t simply burn the book, I enjoyed it, reveling in the destruction of a text I once held sacred. In my dream, as I watched the book go up in smoke, I felt as though I was being replenished with oxygen and felt free to fly. Yet I couldn’t reconcile my emotions in the dream with the convictions I held when I was awake. Clearly, the dream revealed the dark side of my mind and I was determined to discover its origin.

The Ritva, a comprehensive commentary on the Talmud whose title is the acronym of its author’s name – Rabeinu Yom Tov ben Avraham Asevilli – was my favorite amongst the early Talmudic commentators. His concise explanations and direct approach made his commentary a masterful accompaniment to the brief words of Rashi and the elaborate and convoluted approach of the Tosafists. In Yeshiva I was known as “The Ritva Guy.” When I sat down each morning for the start of our four hour study session, I would sit with a coffee and a Ritva, the two essential components for a successful study session. I was so good at being “The Ritva Guy” that our Talmud instructors, scholarly men who had the most obscure bits of Talmudic commentary at their fingertips, would introduce a dispute between Rashi and Tosfos on a given text and then turn to me and ask, “Shmuel, what would the Ritva say?”

Now, sitting at my desk, these memories, too, from the distance of time, seemed like a dream. I remembered the bookshelf on which the Ritva was located, the twenty or so steps to the bookcase from my seat in the study hall. I even remembered the exact way I retrieved it, planting my index finger on top of the spine and pulling forward while pressing down so that the volume emerged from among the tightly packed texts. I would make my way back to my study table, head held high with the Ritva under my arm as my friends nodded when I passed. I was “The Ritva Guy.”

In the vernacular of the yeshiva, a book and its author are referred to by the same name. When referring to the book one might say, “I studied the Ritva.” When referring to the author you might say, “The Ritva died many centuries ago.” The author’s work becomes his name. When you quote the book you quote the person at the same time. The man’s life is reduced to his work, and in return his life is extended with the book’s shelf life. As a Yeshiva student you feel you know these men who wrote the books you use, because the books are what you believe these men were meant to do and what their lives amounted to. In one conversation you might transition from the Pnei Yehoshua, the book, to the Pnei Yehoshua, the man, they both come down to the same thing, how much of the word of God he studied and disseminated.

I’ve sometimes wondered why religious families, even those whose members are not particularly scholarly, often have large collections of religious texts. The answer, perhaps, is that although they might not use the book for study or reference, they consider the books more than mere texts. The books are symbolic representatives of their authors, heroic and saintly figures mummified in timeless words and ideas. A religious text for a religious person isn’t simply a medium developed by print technology to transport ideas from one mind to another. It is the purified form of what is most valued of the author’s life.

Three years have passed since I last studied the Ritva. My personal library has since been transformed, with biology and math textbooks, out of print plays, poetry collections, classics and bestsellers taking the place of my yeshiva books. These books say more about me, my likes and my studies, than they do about their authors. If I were to discuss one of these books and then discuss their author I would have two different conversations, unlike my yeshiva books, where the author and the book was one, living and breathing in my everyday discourse.

I would never want to burn any of my new books, and that’s the sad part. I will never feel that simultaneous connection to a book and its author. The desire to burn a book, to destroy it, comes only when its very existence is imbued with personal meaning. If I argue against the ideas of a secular book, I have rendered the book meaningless, and it becomes only a collection of refuted claims.

A religious text, however, regardless of how much one debates its content, still lives. It lives beyond its days and immediate relevancy, and so do its writers and readers. We are the people of the book because we made books people, we turned books into historical figures that remain alive with us. I can argue with them, debate their meaning, refute their claims, but they will live on.

My dream of watching the Ritva burn didn’t come from the desire to silence ideas, it came from the desperate desire to terminate a relationship. My desire to destroy countered the old desire to connect, a connection that evolved over years of studying the Ritva, the book and the man, or the man that I knew in the form of a book.

As I dressed, I looked at the pile of books on my desk and remembered that according to Jewish law one may not be naked in the presence of religious texts; the irony is that I was more emotionally naked in the presence of my religious texts than I will ever be in the presence of all my secular texts.

I placed the books I would need that day into my bookbag, and drew open the curtains. The sun spilled over the rest of the room and made the dream of last night seem less real. I took one last look at my bookshelf. The books I didn’t choose sat lifeless, resigned to another day of gathering dust, hoping that perhaps tomorrow I will choose them and give them life. And perhaps I will, but I will never have the desire to burn any of them. I don’t love any of them the way I loved the Ritva, the book that sat on the bookshelf twenty steps away from me for the five years I was known as “The Ritva Guy.”

Samuel Katz is a Junior at Stony Brook University majoring in Biochemistry and Theatre Arts. He's a contributing writer for his school's newspaper The Stony Brook Press and a former member of the Stony Brook Crew team. He is also the co-producer of the soon-to-be-launched getsbesser.com project.

37 Responses to “ Burning Desires ”

This isn’t the only brilliant part in this post. And I love the flow of the piece. Thanks.

AM Yehuda on February 22, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Beautiful. So poetic and so resonant. I love your imagery and your weaving of ideas.

Langa Gatches on February 22, 2011 at 10:08 pm

How you made the transition from being “The Ritva Guy” to the biochemistry major/Stony Brook Press, (Unpious) writer? is beyond me. Maybe, if you can turn books into people, then text into books or vice versa should be a piece of cake.

Sam
The study of Torah shapes the personality of the one who studies it. It hones the personal straits. There are no other books in the world that have such an impact on its readers. There definitely is some magic in those sacred texts. Yes, since that as you admit, you were morally naked it surprises me not that you left it all behind. The Ritva guy, as it turns out was a title you wrongfully earned. I think that you realize this by now and are guilt ridden as you were dishonest with yourself and others back in the time. I suspect that the dream is also only a ‘dream’… You may now somewhat regret the direction you took; been there, done that. If you are willing to accept my advice, I urge you to complete and master your secular studies and excell in them. In tandem (while no one is watching…) a glimpse in one of those ‘charred’ books for a period of time daily will quell those burning thoughts. The notion of Rabbi Dr. Is not unheard of; and perhaps this time around you will be worthy of such a title.
ברודער! חאפ זיך צוריק! עס איז קיינמאל נישט צו שפעט ווי לאנג דאס לעכטעלע ברענט נאך. בברכת הצלחה

Yechial,
I don’t recall saying that I was morally naked, but hey making texts say what you want them to say is kind of your thing it would appear. I don’t know how you came to the conclusion of whether I deserved the title I mention or not, but hey you seem to know a lot about me.
I’m not sure who I was dishonest with, but your advice is appreciated, helping out a “guilt ridden” soul like me is a great mitzvah.

As for the candle still burning, believe me my candle is aflame from both ends.

It’s good to see that there are still other emotional angles of skepticism that remain to be explored.

Wonderful post!

Jason King on February 23, 2011 at 8:24 pm

We are the people of the book because we made books people,

Clever, but aren’t Jews and Christians both the people of the book according to the coiner of the phrase, the archangel Gabriel, as retold by his messenger in the Quran.

Bat Sheva on February 23, 2011 at 9:18 pm

The thoughts are beautiful and touching. The fact that you are able to communicate like this in writing is nothing short of astounding. (and Elliot seconds.) We can’t wait to follow your other entries!

Hi Bat Sheva!
Thank you (and Elliot) so much for the feedback, it made my day! (and I just got out from an organic chemistry midterm, so it was perfect)

I have written other stuff for this site, I’m not sure if you saw them. If you click on my name (not by the bio at the end, if you click on my name below the title of this piece, or on the home page by the list of authors) it will lead you to a page with all of my entries here so far (six total) I hope you enjoy them.

Thanks again.

The Shas Buchir on February 24, 2011 at 8:45 am

Thank you Sam for such a beautifully written article.
It brings out alot of emotions and I feel you, I can totally relate to you, there’s a part of you that prides yourself for being the Ritva guy and then you have that part where you just want to burn it, I have a very similar story…. good luck on your Biochemistry and show the finger for guys like Yechiel.

Yechiel on February 24, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Sam
You are right; I thought you wrote morally naked when in fact you wrote emotionally naked…
However that doesn’t change the scope of things.

עלה והצלח

Yechiel on February 24, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Shas buchir
Showing me the finger only proves my point.
I wish you all good luck in what you do, in all sincerety. But I believe that rather than looking back you should look ahead to bright futures. Many of you are troubled but most are not stupid. Go make something of yourselves; get an education like Sam. Sitting around and busying yourselves with your pasts definitely does not do you anything positive. Fighting a lost cause is a waste of time. We are who we are and not much will change anytime soon. I see what you see yet try to make the best of it for myself and those around me. I don’t run…
Yes, to be honest I am also comfortable but that is not all.

Think out of the box Yechiel, and grow. Grow as a free standing independent individual free to believe whatever is supported by evidence.

If god made everything for mankind, why are all apples good for trees. Show me a single fruit that is there for man alone.

How long were the Jews in Egypt? 430 years? 400 years? The maths doesn’t add up, I know, it is an old problem. But it is a huge huge problem. Think about it with honesty. Why doesn’t the torah just say 210?

Could 2 million people have lived in Egypt 1313 b.c. How big was the total population of the planet at that time.

Why do all babies suffer? All reincarnates? The population of earth is larger than ever before, there must be new neshamot.

Would you sell your daughter as a sex slave? Would you kill Amalek’s babies?

Did the luchot have a samech and a mem with inserts hanging on skyhooks as per chazal, when csav asshirut did not exist?

Most of us here can go on like this for hours, having read the apologetics you are likely to come across when you start your journey. Hatzlacha Rabba,

Fantastic piece, Sam. Fantastic nightmare… or nightmarish fantasy.An astute observation about the conflation of books with the people who wrote them. It isn’t the particular ideas contained therein that matters, but the personality of the book itself.

Bal Habos, Bal Devarim and Shas,
Thanks for the feedback, I’m gald you enjoyed it and found something meaningful in it.

Yechial: First of all thanks for making me a role model for others to follow, I’m quite flattered (although, how you know that others aren’t getting themselves an education I’m not sure.)

What you say about fighting a lost cause and busying ourselves with the past, I’m not sure what you are referring to. I (and as far as I know, none of my fellow writers here) am not fighting anything. Perhaps you wish that we did fight something, but to fight would mean to engage, which is something I and most of my friends here have little interest in doing.

I write these reflecting essays not because I am “busying myself with the past.” I am writing because I am now at a healthy distance from past that I can freshly evaluate it.

It’s like Ishmael in Moby Dick, I’m here writing because I lived to tell the tale.

You are in the comments because you didn’t.

Yechiel on February 26, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Sam:
You are a clever individual; however, you seem to not have yet developed the skills to analyze the written word of others. There is a tone set even in written texts. Some of the things I say in my comments I know as facts (i.e. I know the people personally) and some things I assume from the tone of the author of a given piece. Sometimes it doesn’t take rocket science to know what the author is ‘getting at’.

The fact that a site has been set up as a forum to spew mockery of your past lifestyles says more than I care to put into words.

You claim to be at a healthy distance to freshly evaluate it. Well, why can’t you just evaluate it quietly? Hmmmmm? Is it perhaps because you need others to help you think? In that case you have yet to mature. You and your friends have issues with the haredi movement since individual thinking is shunned. It is claimd that haredim are just obedient underlings to rabbis etc. Isn’t this why you left in the first place? אם כן מה הועילו חכמים בתקנתם???

This is not an attempt to admonish you. I commend you for the positive things you are now doing and urge all fans of this site to follow suit. However, I wish you all got on with your lives and succeed in doing something that will leave a positive impact on this world. Wasting time on essays that shed negative light on haredim is not something you need for that mission.

You write that you are here writing because you lived to tell the tale; I am in the comments because I didn’t. Wow! What an accomplishment…
Also, had you had keener senses you would read my comments differently and understand from my writings that I am in essence living to tell my story…

I wish you much luck in all your endeavors and truly hope you excel in your studies and lead a successful life.

א גוטע וואך
בברכת ההצלחה

Jason King on February 27, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Yechiel, why do you feel the need to come on here and proselytize?
The old way, is a mockery in its own right and needs little help from us.

Humans are highly social animals and are influenced by those that surround them.

Yet, they are capable of independent thought which at times makes them realise that it is wrong to for example kill people despite commands to do so by higher command often at great cost.

You might have the same questions we do, and may at times need answers. However because you are surrounded by people who make you feel comfortable where you are you may overlook those glaring inconsistencies, and satisfy your attraction to the other side by coming on here as the nefoshos macher. That would not be brave though, it would be the easy way out.

The honest yet difficult alternative is to voice those questions, to give them neural airtime.

At some point you will find yourself in a difficult position, knowing that what your social circle stands for is a complete nonsense. You will feel isolated and will question your own sanity. Such is the bearing birth territory has over us, despite its intellectual poverty and irrationality.

And even if you leave the circle to find another, you will still to some extent identify with your old friends at “home”, ידע שור קונהו וחמור אבוס בעלי (yes, I know how the possuk continues).

That is why mediums such as this one exist. We are quite sure on a rational level that the torah was not given on Sinai in year 1313.b.c, but at base still have cultural attachment to the old way and it is nice reading what other people who understand that have to say, especially when said so well by writers of Sam’s calibre.

Yechiel on February 27, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Jason
I like you have many questions and see the inconsistencies…
However, what you consider rational thinking, is subjective at best.

Your issue with Amalek shows your inability to rationalise something you disagree with. Now the problem here is that there is more to the story than we know. Perhaps had you had greater knowledge on the matter you may have agreed to such a phenomenon. I know that I know not enough on that topic so I put it to rest and it in no way interferes with my beliefs. You – on the other hand, need actual answers which you know may no longer be available to us so you therefore are skeptical to the entire belief system.

As always, wishing you all the best of luck.

Yechiel on February 27, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Jason
Proselytize? You write; I comment…

You write: “You might have the same questions we do, and may at times need answers. However because you are surrounded by people who make you feel comfortable where you are you may overlook those glaring inconsistencies, and satisfy your attraction to the other side by coming on here as the nefoshos macher. That would not be brave though, it would be the easy way out.”

In light of your comment, I reasonably assume that you consider yourself ‘brave’.
So I quote Aristotle: “While it is true that the suicide braves death, he does it not for some noble object but to escape some ill.”

Nefoshos macher?
Aristotle: “The physician himself, if sick, actually calls in another physician, knowing that he cannot reason correctly if required to judge his own condition while suffering.”
I am (no, not literally) merely that ‘other physician’ answering your ‘call’.

Hasidic
‘Annoyed’? Is that because you are afraid to hear another opinion? Or is it the reminder of your shortcomings?
So I must conclude that this site is not a place for those seeking any truth; just a feel good pit stop for those who need to ‘get stuff out of their systems.’ Sorry for interfering…
Trolling? Mazel tov you learned some english. Wow! What a success you are; d kenst shoin apuhr englishe verter. Give yourself a pat on the tummy and be proud of yourself.

Jason King on February 28, 2011 at 6:02 am

Yechiel, anger management perhaps?

Religion makes good people do bad things. You seem to be case in point. Hassid is an award winning, published author. What have you to show for yourself a gazillion kids and visceral fat?

Yechiel on February 28, 2011 at 9:21 am

Jason
3 healthy children and very in shape (I bike daily and keep a decent diet) Sorry to disappoint you.
Angry? Nah; I am having more fun than a human being should be allowed to have.
And yes, a nice family is something to be proud of. It’s a concept you obviously don’t have. One who raises a decent family can rightfully consider it an accomplishment – at least as much as an ‘award winning’ author.
You write that religion makes good people do bad things; that may be my excuse… what is YOURS?

Yechiel — Your presence here has become unpleasant to many of our readers. Your comments do not contribute to the discussion, and do not — as you seem to imply — highlight any truths. Rather, they are only regurgitations of standard frummie apologetics, along with a heavy dollop of ad hominem nastiness.

I hate to do this — and I’ve only done it once before — but unless you can contribute in a meaningful way, you will be banned from commenting further.

We’ve had plenty of detractors, and I love for nothing more than provocative and stimulating discussion. But your comments have been far from such.

Take this in the spirit of a friendly warning.

Yechiel on February 28, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Hassidic
It seems that anything not in stride with your convoluted thought process which you like to call ‘rationale’ is unacceptable on this site. I respect that and will no longer read nor comment on this site. Go on with your skeptical rhetoric, undisturbed and have a good life.
Sorry to have annoyed you with beliefs you disagree with.

Yechiel

Hoezen T on March 2, 2011 at 1:42 pm

“Your issue with Amalek shows your inability to rationalise something you disagree with. Now the problem here is that there is more to the story than we know. Perhaps had you had greater knowledge on the matter you may have agreed to such a phenomenon. I know that I know not enough on that topic so I put it to rest and it in no way interferes with my beliefs.”

Yechial,
Why don’t we substitute “Amalek” with “America” or ‘western decadence”?
Why? Because you prefer burning bushes over talking donkeys?

kafhakela on March 7, 2011 at 8:57 pm

How are you Hoezen! It was nice to hear one of your zingers!

Avi on May 2, 2011 at 3:01 am

It’s a very well written article! I remember meeting you (Sam) a number of years ago; I just finished The Chosen and told you that you reminded me of one of the characters. You had not yet heard of the book and didn’t seem very impressed with the comparison. I’m sorry about that.

What I still don’t understand about communities like those drawn to Unpious is that there seems to be this sentiment that you can’t be both religious and educated and that religious people are somehow damaged. Why do you think that is?

Jason King on May 2, 2011 at 5:17 am

Avi, perhaps it is because we were raised to believe that judaism is a religion well supported by evidence. It is not.

Hi Avi,
I apologize for not responding sooner I just saw your comment.
I don’t remember our encounter, can you tell me more? When and where did you meet me?

As for your question, I can’t speak for anyone, nor can I think of a specific example where someone has made that claim that I should be able to respond to it. I myself do not believe that one cannot be both religious and educated, I know many individuals like that. What I do believe is that the coexistence of religious beliefs and an education rooted in rationality, exploration and logic requires a certain predetermined mindset that buffers the two disciplines. IF you were raised with both you are used to have your religious ideas slide off when you engage in rational debate, and you have prepared your religious beliefs to be immune to scientific, ethical and philosophical challenges.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, one might argue, but it requires a pre-compartmentalized mind that walls one thought process off from the other.

Those who, like me, grew up in the Hasidic community are raised to apply all of our ideas to everything,our religious teaching and thinking is meant to be comprehensive and complete. Thus the few of us that breakout and learn western thought and ideas apply those ideas and methods to everything, the way we applied all of our talmudic ideas to everything, and God and religion are its obvious victims.

The required mental infrastructure needed to allow for religion and science to coexist is not something that you can rationally argue for, some cultures (like the modern orthodox world) cultivate it, other individuals choose to adapt it for personal reasons.

I’m still a chasidishe bucher ,so my english is not great,as well as my puntuation, but i’m writing here in response to jason kings reply. He raised a few questions and i’ll adress them, but before that i want to tell you a little story .To reb chaim brisker, once came a maskil who said he has questions on emunah, so r’ chaim said to him you don’t have questions, you have answers! meaning that when asked by anybody why he left the faith? he’d say because i had this and this question, but in essence its only an answer to do what you desire, not a question. But jasons questions do have answers and good ones too for example the question about ksav ashuris and ivri, the answer is that its a machlokes between two tanoiyim in yerushalmi, and the gemara in megilah that states that the mems and samechs were a nes is only one shita. I could go on and on but as the people here dont have kushyes only tirutzim i dont see what good it’ll bring. I wish you all good luck.

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