marriage slowly disinegrating - advice welcomed

It is a plain FACT that one's marriage and relationship being involved with a trucker will slowly decline as time goes by.

The mere fact is that with physical separation comes emotional separation. The longer one is with a trucker, the more time it will wear on that relationship.

My husband has been a truck driver for 3 and 1/2 years and it only gets worse. So women, listen up. I've come to the point where I feel like I have no feelings for him and I don't even care to talk to him on the phone any longer.

It's like I dread to talk to him on the phone. When we do talk, I am continually having to think of "positive" things to say to divert the fact that we're separated, we're not together and I miss him like crazy.

Every time I try to bring up this issue, my husband says I don't have faith in God. Plus the fact that my husband is one of those men who thinks cause he's the man, I can't say nothing and I have to be completely silent when he talks.

He yells at me, hangs up the phone on me, and is verbally abusive to me. I tell my husband that being married to a trucker is WORSE than being a military wife. At least someone in the military gets home time for 1-2 years before he/she deploys again. Trucking is WORSE!

Trucking is ALL THE TIME, no 2-week vacation, no summer off, ALL THE TIME. And the wife is left to raise the kids practically on her own all but for a few phone calls of complaining to her husband on how bad the kids have been.

What really irritates me is my husband said the only reason he went into trucking was so our family could move out of the big city. He PROMISED me that he would start applying for a local job as soon as we moved.

Well, he hasn't done any of it. We've moved....over a year ago...and he's STILL trucking and just announced to me recently that he will not do any other job but a driving job.

I feel misled and deceived. It would have been different if my husband was already a trucker when I married him and I would've came into the marriage knowing what lifestyle we'd lead.

I had no idea I'd be alone 85% of the time with my husband gone. I AM grateful that my husband has a job. Maybe I'm having a bad day?

Any advice for me ladies?

Comments for marriage slowly disinegrating - advice welcomed

I hate it when my Husband leaves out , but he brings the job home with him. It kills me with all the promises and I feel like I stress him out all the time. He can't seem to separate how some of ( his people) talk to their wives and lately, I'm feeling devastated.

Mar 18, 2014Rating

Amen!NEWby: Anonymous

I hate it when my Husband leaves out , but he brings the job home with him. It kills me with all the promises and I feel like I stress him out all the time. He can't seem to separate how some of ( his people) talk to their wives and lately, I'm feeling devastated.

Jan 13, 2013Rating

huband lacks posts opinionNEWby: Anonymous

This message is a comment to the last post:

Your husband lacked the ability to separate his job from his family.....this can be cured, it takes some training and he will become the person he once was...misdiagnosing someone or something through an online topic is misleading, a professional should be the only person who diagnoses anyone...so now it sounds like you just gave up and believe me even if you think your husband has turned into a zombie, he feels your assumptions from your own actions...

JUST STOP!!! and get him into counseling and stop playing physiologist...passive aggressive components are within many people...not just truckers!! especially those who are codependent and those who want to control a certain element in their life..think you should also read about that, and you just might get another diagnosis.

Suggestion...stop sitting around trying to figure out other family members behaviors, it is not normal nor is it healthy, get help for those who you really love, this includes yourself. Counseling is for everyone and is not about being embarrassed in going to a good therapist!

Jan 10, 2013Rating

Doubtful it will get better.....NEWby: Anonymous

What I have learned in the last 16 years of marriage is that my husband was a different person when I married him. He had been out of trucking for several years and was every woman's dream. After getting back into this industry, and after talking with many ex-wives, who loved their man deeply, as I did, it's become so apparent that this industry sets one up for failure in marriage. It's up to the individual. Sadly, my husband was without courage. He now lacks the ability to deal with daily issues that arise in a family. He's great with traffic and timelines, however, in a situation that requires input from your spouse, that requires the ability to empathize, and/or communicate....he's been in the truck too long to know how to do any of that anymore. Please....go online and Google "Crazy making behavior". It's an authentic diagnosis that mainly consists of verbal abuse. There is a huge passive aggressive component. You need to decide if this is your life, and then realize there is nothing you can do to make things be any different if indeed this sounds like your husband. If you're the type to suck it up and just live this way, then so be it. The choice is yours and that's the part you need to remember. Best of luck to you!

Jun 14, 2012Rating

Thank you!NEWby: Anonymous

This is from the origial author of this post:
To "My opinion", the last commenter, I would like to say thank you for your comment! You really put it into perspective. Maybe the majority of the reason my husband is rude and cut throat on the phone when he's gone IS because he's super stressed-out!! Wow. It was nice that you could understand where I'm coming from and empathize with me :) Ya know, honestly, at times when I'm driving down the freeway and either pass up or get passed up by an 18-wheeler, I feel in awe of them, the big size of their truck and how powerful their truck is and then I think, "My husband is one of them--an 18-wheeler truck driver!" And I feel so proud of my husband. :) With everything in life, though, there comes sacrifice. And being in a relationship with a truck driver that sacrifice is missing them and loneliness. I'm trying to make friends with some of the ladies in the church I go to. It helps to have friends at home. Thank you again, "My Opinion" for your input! Here to one trucker's wife to another!!

Jun 13, 2012Rating

My opinionNEWby: Anonymous

Trucking is HARD! I come from a family of truckers and married one. I thought i had seen it all but i was wrong. After ten years of marriage my eyes opened a bit and i understood a bit better why hubbys temper is so short and why he curses and raises hell. Also i come to understand that. Y husband is somebody on the road to survive and someone else at home, or he tries to be anyway. Some days i get treated like another trucker instead of his wife. You really do need to spend some out there in order to understand the pressures the guys are under and how nerve racking the whole damn industry. Ive had panic attacks as he drove 70 mph and have some idiot sweep over and break check. Or the folk that will pass a trucker on both sides of the truck on a RAMP at the same time! Lets not forget the dot harrassing u cause who of us are rolling in money, 75% of all truckers i know run illegal, which also means log headaches. And my poor husband now is so pissed cause every time he turns around his gps is dying and we cant afford another one. There is their health and let me say when hubbys sugar is up he is a real ass. Trucking ranks in the top ten most dangerous jobs. Have faith patiance and yea its ok to bitch a bit cause to be a truckers wife takes just as special person as the trucker themself! Seek counseling if u can, try skyping.

Jun 13, 2012Rating

My opinionNEWby: Anonymous

Trucking is HARD! I come from a family of truckers and married one. I thought i had seen it all but i was wrong. After ten years of marriage my eyes opened a bit and i understood a bit better why hubbys temper is so short and why he curses and raises hell. Also i come to understand that. Y husband is somebody on the road to survive and someone else at home, or he tries to be anyway. Some days i get treated like another trucker instead of his wife. You really do need to spend some out there in order to understand the pressures the guys are under and how nerve racking the whole damn industry. Ive had panic attacks as he drove 70 mph and have some idiot sweep over and break check. Or the folk that will pass a trucker on both sides of the truck on a RAMP at the same time! Lets not forget the dot harrassing u cause who of us are rolling in money, 75% of all truckers i know run illegal, which also means log headaches. And my poor husband now is so pissed cause every time he turns around his gps is dying and we cant afford another one. There is their health and let me say when hubbys sugar is up he is a real ass. Trucking ranks in the top ten most dangerous jobs. Have faith patiance and yea its ok to bitch a bit cause to be a truckers wife takes just as special person as the trucker themself! Seek counseling if u can, try skyping.

Jun 12, 2012Rating

I am glad you are a strong woman!!NEWby: Helonwheels

Dear Marriage,

I am totally on your side that guy had no business judging you from a post!!

I believed from the beginning you were doing the best you could given your situation and was well aware of the things you do to maintain your home and making it easier for your husband. Because this is exactly how I am in my relationship. with my trucker guy.

I want to let you know that you need not defend yourself to idiots who cannot see past their own judgement of women as that guy in that post has done.

But I do want to add that you deserve to be treated fairly and hopefully you will speak to someone about your husbands issues so you can have clarity and safety as these types of behaviors only escalate if left unattended.

I do have several degrees in human behavior/addictions/counseling although I am not licensed I am educated and this is what I hope for my clients, that they become educated in this area of concern. As well I pray you will also.

Good Luck Sweetie and keep your head to the sky! Helonwheels :)

Jun 12, 2012Rating

Thank you, EveryoneNEWby: Anonymous

This is the wife who had originally posted on this post:
Thank you everyone for your comments; I appreciate them. As for the man that posted, my feelings are not from selfishness and definately not from trying to justify wrong doings. I am a Christian and strive to lead a good life. I am definately not trying to justify wrong doings. I am a decent woman, wife and mother who is faithful to my husband, keep a clean, orderly home. Yes, I appreciate my husband working very much. You, sir, do not know the details of my life and therefore are not in the place to judge me like I'm not working my butt off either! So don't be quick to judge. I support my husband in every way. I pay all the bills, maintain the car, am a mother, schedule appointments, have literally done all the packing and finding a new home by myself twice in the last year and a-half, so watch what you say before you come to an assumption that I don't pull my fair share of the weight in our family and take my husband and the work he does on the job for granted!!
Thank you, ladies, for your advice. The comments in the opening of the post were referring to a truck driver husband who drives alone while his wife stays at home, definately not about if the husband and wife are together on the road.
I come from a big family with lots of brothers and sisters and we live in an area where we do not have any of either of our sides of the family here. The closest family member lives hundreds of miles away in a different state and we usually do not have the extra money to travel and visit them. So it's tough.
To i'm Afraid: if you're serious in leaving your husband, I would definately get a hold of someone in authority and report the threats of suicide your husband has made to get him help in the event you do divorce him or seperate from him. Your husband's safety is a priority and you should not feel trapped by fear of his threats to harm himself!!
I have gone with my husband on the road a couple of times but unfortunately I cannot go often because I am my son's primary caretaker. We do not have any family in the area to leave him with and I don't know anyone I would feel comfortable in leaving him with for days and weeks at a time.

Jun 11, 2012Rating

Look deeper than the job, pleaseNEWby: Vicki Simons

I disagree with the opening statement of the post: "It is a plain FACT that one's marriage and relationship being involved with a trucker will slowly decline as time goes by." Not all marriages in which one or both spouses are truckers are doomed to decline. My husband and I have been on and off in the trucking industry since 1993.

We teamed for almost 3 years and he has done solo company driving for most of his 10+/- years' worth of professional driving since. We did transcontinental driving as a team, he has done regional trucking alone and with me as a rider, and he currently has a local truck driving job. Each of these situations has required getting used to.

I implore you to look deeper than the job. Some men do not feel the emotional separation from their wives as keenly as some wives feel from their husbands.

You wrote, "my husband is one of those men who thinks cause he's the man, I can't say nothing and I have to be completely silent when he talks." This is not a trucking issue. This is a personality and manners issue, possibly borne out of deep-seated ideas he holds of the roles of husband and wife.

You wrote, "He yells at me, hangs up the phone on me, and is verbally abusive to me." Again, this is not a trucking issue.

Although I am no licensed counselor, I would suggest that the next time your husband berates you on the phone, you tell him calmly that you will not tolerate his verbal abuse. If he lashes out again, tell him in no uncertain terms that as his wife, you deserve respect, and if he continues to be verbally abusive, you will hang up on him. And then follow through.

Also, you wrote that you "feel misled and deceived" because your husband has not followed through on his promise to get a local driving job. You have a right to feel this way, but please understand something: local truck driving jobs are hard to come by. They are in hot demand from OTR drivers who are tired of the rigors of the open road.

Since you mentioned "faith in God," I suggest that you not only pour out your requests before the Lord in prayer but that you also forge as many personal relationships as you can with other caring Christians through your church, perhaps other mothers with children the same age(s) as yours.

Finally, I suggest that instead of focusing on the negative, you make the atmosphere at home and your attitude so magnetic that your husband wants to come home. Someone famous once said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." The Bible says in Hebrews 11:1: "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

There are small, inexpensive things that you can do to strengthen your marital bond. Among them is the book "The Love Dare." We also have some frugal ideas on our website here:
http://www.truck-drivers-money-saving-tips.com/valentines-day.html.

I wish you well in your marriage.

Best regards,
Vicki Simons

http://www.truck-drivers-money-saving-tips.com/

Jun 09, 2012Rating

Dear MarriageNEWby: Helonwheels

Every situation is different and yours is different from the individual who wrote the original post. As well as mine is as I wrote in my post.

This is a reality check and abuse has no excuse verbally or physically! Are you condoning how this man treats this woman? By you saying she is selfish clearly shows me that it is okay in your eyes for him to treat her badly because she is selfish??!

Really, is this the message you are trying to send out SIR????

Give me a break!!

Helonwheels

Jun 09, 2012Rating

go withNEWby: Anonymous

go with him? enjoy the sites?

Jun 09, 2012Rating

marriageNEWby: Anonymous

Well it is a shame you feel that way, I drove for almost twenty years. Me and my wife have been married thirty years. Jobs are hard to fine now. So let him work to take care of the bills. I think you are being selfish, or you are just looking for a to justify wrong doings while he is working his butt off.

Jun 09, 2012Rating

Dear Afraid Read Again and slowly Please!!NEWby: Helonwheels

NEW
by: Helonwheels

Abuse comes in many forms and also along with many faces. Meaning that being a truck driver's wife does not necessarily mean you will be subject to abuse. Your man has a sickness and this is not just a truck driver sickness. He will need help/counseling and in the end of the abuse cycle you will also need help and counseling.

Abuse has a tendency to escalate without help and hardly ever just goes away. You must relieve yourself of unnecessary pain and find a way to get help with or without him or you will continue to suffer and so will he. You have a choice as well as he does to rid yourself of the drama, but only you can come up with the decision to seek whatever way that can help you for the best and for all involved.

My man has been a truck driver for over 25 years and does not display this type of behavior. Not to say that there are not bad seeds in the trucking business, but there are bad seeds everywhere.

In other words you are not alone. Nor am I. There is good and bad all around us.

I will pray for you to make the right decisions in your current relationship.

Helonwheels :)

Jun 09, 2012Rating

i'M AFRAIDNEWby: Anonymous

I'm married to a trucker too, and he cusses at me quite often. I made him a hearty breakfast like he wanted, and as I was sitting his plate of food on the table, a little potatoe fell off onto the table, so I picked it up and ate it. He yells at me, called me a shit ass, because I ate it. He yells and cusses at me over little things. I can't work along side of him, because He's a perfectionest, and I can never measure up to his expectations, so he yells and cusses at me. Up until I married him four years ago, I never had a man cuss at me. I'm 58 years old. He's home two days a week, and if he isn't screaming at me over the phone, he screams at me in person. I told him I want out of the marriage, and he threatens to commit sucide, by shooting himself in the head on my front porch, and he throws it in my face how he provides well for me. I can't confront him about anything he says and does that hurts me, I have to listen to his threats to kill himself. He's cheated on me, he's lied to me, I'm just so done. Lonely? I used to be, now I'm used to being lonely, but I can never get used to the emotional abuse. I'm afraid he might shoot me, and kill me because of the way he talks. He's mad because I won't be intimate with him. He says that's why he cusses at me, and is mad all the time, it's because of how he treated me that I won't. I wish I wasn't so afraid of him, I change the locks.

Jun 09, 2012Rating

My Dear LadyNEWby: Helonwheels

Abuse comes in many forms and also along with many faces. Meaning that being a truck driver's wife does not necessarily mean you will be subject to abuse. Your man has a sickness and this is not just a truck driver sickness. He will need help/counseling and in the end of the abuse cycle you will also need help and counseling.

Abuse has a tendency to escalate without help and hardly ever just goes away. You must relieve yourself of unnecessary pain and find a way to get help with or without him or you will continue to suffer and so will he. You have a choice as well as he does to rid yourself of the drama, but only you can come up with the decision to seek whatever way that can help you for the best and for all involved.

My man has been a truck driver for over 25 years and does not display this type of behavior. Not to say that there are not bad seeds in the trucking business, but there are bad seeds everywhere.

In other words you are not alone. Nor am I. There is good and bad all around us.

I will pray for you to make the right decisions in your current relationship.