The Hills: Introducing Stephanie Pratt

I won’t lie. I’ve been waiting for this episode for a week. Every day I would think “how many more sleeps until The Hills is on?” Some people have an Advent calender, I have a “Hills” calender. Anyway, praise Jesus, YES Steve Sanders has a sister! While she does look like Heidi and Whitney morphed into one person, since this is Steve Sanders we are talking about we will have to reference her as Emily Valentine (the badass chick from 90210). However, my friends, it won’t stop there. There’s no reason why she can’t have 2 nicknames. Therefore Emily Valentine may also be referenced as “Sandy Sanders.” Spread the word. Anyway here’s how this wonderful crapisode, “A Night at the Opera, went down:

I love how Lauren and Audrina legit seemed scared of Sandy Sanders. Yes Lauren, she will hit you, although we are waiting for conclusive DNA tests to decipher whether or not she is, indeed, a female.

Lauren tries to go all “IBBB” and nickname Emily Valentine “She Pratt.” Nice try Lauren. That’s my job. You may either call her Sandy Sanders or Emily Valentine. Here’s a helpful hint. When she is being a douche-bag you should call her Emily Valentine. When she is just existing in the crapisode you should call her Sandy Sanders. You’re welcome.

Sandy Sanders shows up at Steve Sanders and Heidi’s apartment and wants to know where the jellyfish are. Huh? I want to know what happened to Heidi’s puppy and Heidi’s cat from older seasons of The Hills. My educated guess is that she’s killed these animals only to use some of their features for her own physical enhancements (i.e nose, chin, and boobs). You do the math.

Why does Heidi ask Sandy Sanders if she and her parents know about the wedding? Do they not have TVs or read magazines? My parents, who don’t even watch The Hills or know what it is, know that Heidi and Steve Sanders are getting married.

Where is Heidi’s wedding ring during this conversation? Perhaps it’s with the jellyfish…and puppy….and cat….and old nose…..and old chin…..and old boobs.

When these three are talking it’s like they’re having a “Teeth Off” Competition.

Alright alright the gangs at Opera in LA. Brody, for some reason, is dressed like Eminem and when he asks Justin Bobby how he’s been Justin Bobby replies, “I don’t even know how I’ve been.” Sweet. How’s your drugs Justin Bobby? Good? Please share.

Why does Justin Bobby always wear that scarf over his head? He looks like that chick that was on the cover of National Geographics. You know the one.

Shocker. Emily Valentine and her friend “Roxy” surprisingly are at Opera too. Also, does the name “Roxy” really exist? Anyway, Emily Valentine scriptedly confronts Brody and Lauren and tells Brody that he’s on the evil side and he should come home with them. Huh? When did this turn into Star Wars?

AWESOME! Lauren turns this confrontation into one of those old Sally Jesse Raphael episodes when they have “troubled teens” on and the the audience boo’s the “troubled teen” and the “troubled teen” yells back at the audience, “You don’t know me. Do you know me? You don’t know me!” Yeah, well, Lauren said the same thing to Emily Valentine, “You don’t know me. Do you know me?” Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki!

Oh and you know that when Lauren yells out, “Don’t fight other peoples battles” you know that Emily Valentine and Roxy were like 50 feet away.”

I’m a little disappointed that drinks weren’t thrown and the term “meat curtains” wasn’t used, but what can you do. You can only ask for so much.

However, the scene gets even better when Justin Bobby calls over the red headed chick like she’s a $2.00 whore. Brilliant.

Here’s the thing. I don’t believe that these two kissed. Here’s why. There are cameras everywhere. You mean to tell me that the cameras weren’t on a drugged/drunken Justin Bobby and the random red-headed slut while Audrina AND her teeth were just one table over? No way. The kiss was the only thing that wasn’t filmed. I don’t buy it.

I’m now taking bets at how many times Audrina and her teeth will say, “Seriously, I’m done.” I’m going for 12.

Justin Bobby may not have kissed her but he definitely walked out of the bar with her grabbing her boobs and then trying to hide from the camera.

HOLY CRAP! This is when The Hills takes a turn for the better and, in my opinion, should be nominated for an Emmy. All of a sudden it’s like I’m watching “Cops.” Camera people are shooting from a distance, subtitles are being used, the footage is a bit grainy because they’re outside, and you truly feel like Audrina and Justin Bobby are seconds away from a fist fight near a dumpster. I love the Fox show “Cops” and I love The Hills. I never thought of combining them, but brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Perfect. Audrina just said, “I’m done” about 3 times so far.

Whoa, they really are standing next to a dumpster now. How trashed is Justin Bobby? Is he developing some sort of accent? I may not be a psychologist, even though I am, but it seems that Audrina’s low self esteem is making her not able to allow herself to really get mad that Justin Bobby kissed another girl. Wow. I just got wicked deep.

Wait, is this not scripted? Usually when Audrina cries she smiles. This time, just tears. No smile. No teeth. Ok, well a little teeth, but not a full smile.

Sandy Sanders stops by Steve Sanders and Heidi’s apartment again to tell the tale of the events of the night before with Lauren and Brody. Why does her story not really match up with what we actually saw and what she said? By the way, they’re having another “teeth off.”

Heidi seems less than thrilled at the conversation. Maybe she’s seen some of her earlier episodes this season where she looks like douche-bag-a-palooza.

Justin Bobby heads over to Audrina’s apartment and he is all business because he has his hair in a bun. Yes, a bun. His hair is in perfect placement for judging panel at America’s Next Top Model. That’s just how Tyra likes it. What? Yeah, I can mix two bad reality shows together.

Anyway, J Bob denies kissing that ugly girl. I believe him. I mean, I also don’t give a crap, but I do believe it. It’s just tricky work of the producers.

Bonus points for Justin Bobby’s eyes starting to fill up when Audrina tells him it’s over.

On next weeks episode, Sandy Sanders talks to Heidi about the wedding and tells Steve Sanders that Heidi may not want to get married. Steve Sanders and Heidi get into an argument and Steve Sanders leaves while Heidi throws a magazine at the door…..followed by world implosion.