The Ultimate Question

Here at olilolo.com we pride ourselves with being at the forefront of scientific research and political discussion. Our sensitivity and insights into important issues, backed up with hard facts, makes us the go to source for the world’s leading academics.

So we’d like to present to you the latest chapter in our magnum opus of in-depth, world changing analysis… but instead I decided to do:

Who’s better; Batman or Superman?

With the upcoming Batman vs Superman movie there will be a number of articles written about this topic, so to break from the media pack and come at this issue with a fresh-set of eyes, I’m going to come in from a completely shallow, superficial viewpoint based entirely on my opinion.

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Who’s prettier on the eye?

This is of course quite subjective. Some like a clean cut man who looks after himself…

Man of steel…. In his pants.

…and some like the bad boy who doesn’t mind getting a little dirty.

Oh you’re such a bad boy.

So since I’m a man whose interest swings towards the feminine, I decided the easiest way for me to solve this was simple. Who looks better as a girl?

Subtle disguise Batman.

Overall I think we can agree that Supes takes out this one.

That’s right, cry those tears baby.

Delicious shame.

Superman 1. Batman 0..

Who has a cooler back story?

One, Superman, is an alien, the last of his race. Sent off to an unknown world to save him from the destruction of his home world. It sounds great, but it doesn’t make any sense.

Bye son! The planet’s fine we just wanted some time alone.

Why didn’t others escape? They’re obviously technologically advanced. Didn’t anyone else consider grabbing a ship as the planet was falling apart? And where were his parents sending him? Had they ever been to Earth? Did they know what kind of world it was like? If they had, well see the argument above, go as a family. If they hadn’t, anything could have happened. What if he landed in the ocean? Or with criminals? Or into a North Korean death camp? What if the ship was attacked by space pirates?

You’re not even meant to leave your kid in a car for a few minutes, but send him hurtling through space in a capsule for who knows how long, to who knows where. Seriously, the whole thing is child abuse.

The other, Batman, is also an orphan but one driven to the edge of madness by the death of his parents. They didn’t go abandon him into the cosmic winds and hope for the best. These were good people who had their lives taken away from them by filthy criminals. This is what drives him, what makes him do what he does.

It doesn’t make him a good person. In fact he’s a bad person in so many ways, but he’s bad doing what he must; clean up Gotham City of the scum that infest it.

Also he has an affixation with bats. He’s risking lyssavirus every day for your safety!

Superman 1. Batman 1..

Who lives protects the better city?

Metropolis is always portrayed as your everyday American city.

Meh.

Gotham City on the other hand is, sometimes, dark and intricate. It feels older. More atmospheric.

Gotham… Gotham is better.

Superman 1. Batman 2..

Who has the better superhero name?

Forget that these names have been around for 80+ years and think about just the words.

SUPER-man. BAT-man.

These are truly terrible names. Ultra-Bloke and Dog-Guy are easily as stupid, but you only think of them as stupid because they haven’t been part of pop culture for decades. There isn’t a child alive in a Western country who hasn’t heard the words Batman and Superman before they’re even old enough to comprehend what they are.

So who has the shittier name?

Well in my opinion it’s Superman. Superman is a lazy name with little inventiveness, and that’s saying a lot because the method they used to choose Batman was shithouse:

Bugger. The world nearly got Dugong-dude!

Superman 1. Batman 3..

Who has the better sidekick?

While Superman has had various people come and go; Supergirl, Superboy, Superdog; really he has no official sidekick.

Batman though has his young ward, Robin Boy-wonder.

So by default Superman wins this.

No, I know Batman should win by default, but I mean come on. An old rich bloke hanging out with his young boy ward? It wasn’t cool for Michael Jackson, it’s not cool for you Mr Wayne.

Sick, sick, sick.

Superman 2. Batman 3..

Who had the better, in retrospect terrible, television series?

I’ve never really watched the old batman tele series. I’ve heard it described as when you’re a kid it’s a great, action packed show; and then a hilarious, naff-fest when you’re a teenager and older. It covers all ages.

Despite the fact I haven’t seen it I can’t knock anything that has “VRONK” and “CLANK” when a fight breaks out.

I loved Lois and Clark as a kid though. I hated to admit it at the time because it was so dodgy, but geeze that was a good show to a 12 year old boy. It had everything. Superheros. Villains. At one stage Superman stops a tidal wave by digging a tunnel underneath it, while on the screen what is obviously a shitty little model of superman spins quickly through the rock.

There was also Terri Hatcher looking hot… followed later in the series looking like a skeletal monster as her weight dropped and bones appeared from everywhere.

So purely for my nostalgia, Lois and Clark is better.

Superman 3. Batman 3..

Who had the worst movie?

Batman and Robin was truly the worst Batman movie ever produced, and there’s been 10. It does have however some amazing, sometimes nonsensical, one liners which take it from just terrible, to almost bad enough to be good.

Superman Returns on the other hand was just terrible. Terrible. There was no saving grace, other than possibly blah looking pretty.

If that movie was a homeless busker he would have died of starvation, unable to make enough sense cents for a can of home brand dog food. If that whole stupid island is laced with kryptonite, to the point where he struggles just being on it, how does he lift the whole thing out of the ocean and throw it into space? HOW? ANSWER ME BRYAN SINGER!!