Fraternities Indicted in Elaborate Friend-Trafficking Scheme

Soon to be trafficked students with what few belongings they were allowed.

In what appears to be a breakthrough in the case of a recent friend-trafficking scheme, UC Police have arrested over two hundred fraternity members since Tuesday. UCPD have issued an official statement regarding the arrests, which reads:

“We had reason to believe that so called “Greek” organizations were taking part in the buying and selling of friends as early as September, when we started seeing Fall Rush boards posted around campus. Our suspicions were confirmed by a reliable source who has reached out to us from within the “Greek” community and with whom we are still communicating at this time. These boards appear to have been written in some kind of code, which we are currently trying to break. Because our translators are having difficulty concisely defining the word ‘dank’, this may take some time.”

Various members of the Inter-Fraternity Council have publicly accused Robby Donahue, a third-year economics major and member of the high-profile Sigma Sigma Sigma fraternity, of being the UCPD’s inside source. Donahue’s open admission of “kicking it” with UCPD officers confirmed reporters’ suspicions that he is in fact the mole. When one reporter offered to treat Donahue to jalapeno nachos, he obliged to describe in detail some of his experience with friend trafficking.

“We’ve got this dude named Brian, super genuine guy, super fun, super hilarious, who comes down from S.L.O. with a truckload of potential bros every quarter.” Donahue specified various attributes that members look for when purchasing friends, including high school athletic achievements (“varsity squad time”), humorous fake ID cards, access to “fresh-ass” fitted caps, and the ability to withstand freezing temperatures in a tank top.

“In the end, you really get what you pay for,” said Donahue. “The system works.”

However, a much darker experience was described during anonymous interviews with actual trafficking victims. Ricky Rogers experienced the market first hand when he was forcibly removed from his freshman dorm at UC Merced and sold for top-dollar to the Sigma Sigma Sigma Nu fraternity in Isla Vista. He has since founded the non-profit Underground Male-Road, which assists and accommodates escapees of fraternities.

“It was awful and traumatic,” said Rogers, now a fourth-year back at Merced. “Just because I wore Dre Beats headphones to the gym didn’t mean I wanted to be an indentured wingman.” Rogers became visibly emotional while discussing the subject. “I bought those headphones for classical music,” he sobbed. “Not for Sublime. I hate Sublime.”

While some pledges consent to be bought and sold, others remain silent and obedient solely out of fear, and Rogers wants them to know that there is hope. “Don’t be afraid to seek help. There is a life for you after captivity, and it doesn’t smell like beer or Axe Bodyspray.”