His in-laws are making some wild accusations

Sunday

Mar 30, 2008 at 12:01 AM

Dear Annie: I recently learned from my wife that my in-laws have been accusing me of theft for over a year. My mother-in-law has told everyone I stole her wedding ring, and my father-in-law says I took his bottles of Kahlua.

Kathy Mitchel and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: I recently learned from my wife that my in-laws have been accusing me of theft for over a year. My mother-in-law has told everyone I stole her wedding ring, and my father-in-law says I took his bottles of Kahlua.

This is preposterous. I have never stolen so much as a pencil in my entire life. Besides, I don't even know where my mother-in-law keeps her wedding ring since I have never seen her wear it, and I don't drink hard alcohol.

I composed a letter to my in-laws asking them either to retract their statements or meet me at the police station so we all could take polygraph tests. They did not respond.

My wife said she saw a similar problem in your column and you suggested the parents' wild accusations could be due to dementia. This gave my wife much relief because she would rather consider her parents ill than evil. However, if they are suffering from dementia, it would make me a real heel to keep insisting they talk to the police.

I now have to live with these outrageous accusations hanging over me. Just last week, we saw my father-in-law's car in front of the grocery store and left rather than have a public confrontation. Recently, I saw my brother-in-law on the street and quickly changed course. I am no longer "free." What can I do?

— In Purgatory

Dear Purgatory: It is not uncommon for such accusations of theft to be directed at family members — especially in-law children. Your wife should convince her siblings that Mom and Dad need to be evaluated by a physician — not for your sake, but for theirs. If the folks are showing signs of dementia, it will have an impact on their future ability to live independently and it's best if the family can plan ahead.

Your wife should discuss her concerns with the doctor, preferably in consultation with all siblings, so the subject can be addressed and you can be exonerated.

Dear Annie: Six months ago, I moved to another state. A former friend and co-worker writes and calls me rather often. We've known each other a long time, and although we socialized outside of work, I'm really not interested in continuing this friendship.

It seems too blunt to simply stop returning her calls. How do I end this without hurting her feelings?

— Former Friend

Dear Former: You don't have to cut her off completely. The way to let a friendship lapse is to lengthen the time between contact until you are no longer a regular part of each other's lives. When she writes, take a while to respond. When she calls, be too busy to chat and say you'll catch up later. And do so. In a couple of weeks.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Gay Shrink," who said women often misinterpret friendship with gay men as flirtation. Maybe so, but there's another side.

As a woman who has worked for years in the theatre, I have many gay friends. I once made friends with a man who was sweet, kind, bought me flowers, held my hand and kissed me often. When I wanted more, he said, "Sorry you misunderstood. I'm gay and have a partner."

One of my gay friends told me he was aware such flirting was wrong, but he liked the attention and wasn't ready to tell someone new he was gay. Of course, then things get out of hand and everyone is hurt.

I know not all gay men do this, but almost every woman I know has a variation on the story. So while women should definitely take "Gay Shrink's" advice, gay men who often have this problem should take a hard look at their behavior.

— Canadian Actress

Dear Actress: Thanks for pointing out how hurtful it can be to lead someone on — gay or straight — when you are not truly available or interested.