Monday, February 16, 2009

Dark Places

My life is good. I have a home and a family. Sometimes though I can't help but get sucked into those really sad moments.

When I was a teenager I went through what I believe was a pretty bad depression. I will refrain from calling it a clinical depression since it was never diagnosed as such. Then again, I would doubt that any therapist or psychiatrist would turn down the opportunity to push some drugs on the slightest sign of what they would see as an emotional abnormality. "Oh you're feeling sad? Chaching! Take 2 of these for the rest of your life and call me when you've become addicted and need a higher dosage."

This blog post isn't about facade of a professional called psychiatry, its about the stupidity of sadness and my confusion with it. :) Come take a stroll with me through some of the darker corners of my mind.

I have many reasons to be of good spirits. The past few months I have had a lot of reasons to be very happy. Part of me is usually.

The wife and I were happily watching a movie last night. It was a comedy but it was foreign. Sometimes foreign movies do weird and unexpected things with the plot, which is why we watch them. The movie quickly took a turn for the worse and covered the subject of death from a very, very sad perspective.

I've never dealt well with death. I remember down to the most minute details the moment I realized as a child that my parents would some day die. I felt like the rug of life had just been pulled out from under me. I really don't believe I've even been the same person since then.

While watching the movie I found myself laughing out loud which is something I rarely every do. I guess it just caught me off guard. After the movie I got to thinking about death, sadness, solitude, regret, remorse and all those ugly things that create a dark cloud around you.

If I believed in aura's, I think I would have been shrouded in black. I was completely aware of it. I loathed it and was a little repulsed at myself for feeling that way. Sometimes though it just overwhelms you like a tidal wave you can't control. You see it coming but the wave just pulls you in until you can't fight it anymore and you just let it run its course.

In that moment of darkness I chose to find solitude. Why bring others down with me? Why burden others with my self-pity? It was these others though that helped me stay afloat and get through it as quickly as I did. I kept thinking of them. I kept thinking of my family waiting for me to return from my odyssey into the dark abyss.

They kept me afloat.

Much like a lifeline that my ongoing metaphor is missing. I find that when you anchor your thoughts on those people that don't deserve the misery you could attack them with, you can always find your way back to your home shore.

To all my sad friends; when you feel that all is lost, look to your loved ones as your beacon.

I know why I do though...it really really bothers me that we really dont know about what happens when we leave here. I hate the fact that i have these children and other things that I love s dearly and I will be apart from them. its quite depressing..and even though you can have faith--and hope...it dosnt change the fact that we dont know!

As someone who has experienced losing loved ones and even seen some in and out of hospitals who eventually got better, I understand the "dark places" that we can find ourselves in. You're right to view your family as a beacon. I don't think I could have gotten through some tough emotional times if it wasn't for my husband and my family.

I'm up for it in short spurts :)An example of what I meant above would be in a house where one parent is an alcoholic. That example might be too easy, though. But anyway, this parent is manipulative, miserable and deeply loved, therefore, very easy to take everyone down with her. The husband, the kids, they are all down in the muck with her. Heck, I didn't even LIVE with my mom when this happened to my family and I still went to bed almost every night crying, thinking about the whole thing.