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7 Signs Your Friend is Jealous and What to Do about it

One of the worst dynamics that can kill a friendship is jealousy. If one friend is jealous of the other, it inevitably can ruin the friendship, or at least negatively impact it. Sometimes, however, when a friend is jealous, and they don’t want it to show, it can come out in very strange ways that may not seem obvious to the casual observer. In order to help you identify jealousy in your friendship, here are some examples to look for:

The Slough-Off: You tell your friend some good news and instead of reacting joyfully for you, your friend sloughs it off and makes it seem as though it is not “all that.” When people don’t feel good about where they are in their own lives, they make themselves feel better by acting as though other people’s good fortune isn’t so great or exciting.

The Friendly Ghost: When individuals are jealous, they may feel less inclined to spend time with those individuals who are happy or doing well, and as a result, disappear or become extremely busy. Why? Your happiness is a constant reminder that they are unhappy and as a result, they rather stay away.

Positive Negative: When some individuals are jealous, they may find a way to counteract your positive with a negative. This is similar to the slough-off, but instead of ignoring your positive news or accomplishment, your friend counters it with a negative. For instance, if you show a friend a beautiful picture you took of your kids, your friend may say, “Well, of course the picture is good: you had good lighting and a good camera.” Her reaction implies, in a sense, that the picture was good, not because of you, but for other reasons.

Insincere Happiness: If someone knows that they are jealous, they may try to over compensate by putting on a huge grin and acting overly happy. Unfortunately, what your friend doesn’t realize is that this type of behavior seems very unnatural and insincere.

Tears You Down: You decide that you are ready to go back to work after being a full-time, stay-at-home mom. Instead of being happy for you, your friend tells you that going back to work makes you a bad parent. If your friend constantly makes you feel bad about your decisions in life, they may be doing so to feel better about their own decisions and about themselves.

Lack of Support: This is demonstrated when you rely on friends to help you achieve something that is important to you and they fall extremely short in delivering. They can either come up with every excuse in the book as to why they can’t help you, or worse, they promise to help but don’t.

Constant Discouragement: This happens when your friend tells you all of the reasons why you shouldn’t or CAN’T do something, instead of encouraging you to “go for it.”

In general, if every time you succeed at something or have good news and your friend acts distant, strangely or dismissive, it might mean that they are jealous. Or, if you find it awkward or difficult to talk to your friend about things that make you happy or that you’re involved with, it might mean there is a little green-eyed-monster. It is important, however, to remember that if you are experiencing any of these behaviors or traits in your friendship, it may not mean the friendship is completely over. Here are a few things to consider:

Self Evaluate: First evaluate the situation and spend some time practicing self-awareness. Are you doing anything that could be intensifying feelings of jealousy? Is your friend in a bad place in his or her life? Should you be considering their feelings or be sensitive to their needs? When things are going great for us, it is sometimes easy to forget that others may not be as fortunate. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes so that you can better identify why they may be feeling the way they do.

Communicate: Open up a dialogue with your friend. If you have a sense as to why they may be feeling the way they do, let them know you understand how they must feel going through their personal challenges. Once you let them know that you are sensitive to their feelings, let them know how you feel. Explain that you are there for them, but hope that they can be happy for you, even though they are in a rough spot.

Bridge the Differences: Once everything is out on the table. Think through ways you can deal with this together. If your friend is receptive to the conversation, that is a good sign. If, however, they become defensive and point fingers instead of taking responsibility for their own actions, you may need to reevaluate the friendship.

Does jealousy exist in your friendships? How have you handled it? What was the outcome?

I think its important when giving good news to not come across like your bragging. I know I can have a very animated high-strung personality, so I try and contain my enthusiam with certain people. Many times what I may do just to check myself is make sure I have asked my friend(s) about how their day is going, ask them about a project or future hopeful they have talked about. Then after feeling out the conversation, I may spring some good news on them or just wait and let my good news come out naturally. For example, 5 years ago when I bought my condo I did not tell anyone I was looking. I went to closing and the next thing people knew is that I was having a house warming. Simple as that. I also think its good karma to be happy for others even if its something you are wishing for as well; maybe a quality relationship with a man. I remember feeling jealous of a friend who met a guy and was married in less than a year. At the time she seemed to not be as established in her career. All I was thinking was she does not know how to cook, she’s sloppy, she lost her viriginity to this man she met online at 30. She is not even prepared? GOD why her and not me ? But about a year later I came clean with myself as I was in a negative state of mind and did not know it. I shared my feelings with her (not the sloppy can’t cook part) just acknowledging that she was in a good place part; that she was ready, and deserving. And 4 years later, she is now overseas with her husband and son. We still have a wonderful and strong relationship. The part that I did not want to acknowledge about myself is that aside from my material things, and cosmopolitan lifestyle, she was more patient, had less baggage, and at the time was emotionally more mature than I was. Here I was taking her out and showing her the ropes and she gets a ring before me?! At the time I was hurting from my own disappointments in relationships. Humbling myself actually freed me.

Brett

TMJ…as always, your comments are insightful. Thanks for sharing and being such a great part of this community!

Khris

Plain & simple. If you’re happy with your own life, you’ll be happy for the successes for others. I have a friend who spent this last year traveling to over 5 countries and across the U.S. without any money (paid for by her boyfriend). These are things I truly and strongly desire for myself, but instead of being envious of her, I was overjoyed that she was able to experience it all! When you’re generally happy for others, good things will manifest for you as well.

Missy

Well said. Exactly how it should be.

Rain

I wish…..all those who get jealous also understand and believe in all that you said!!! 🙂

unixgrl

I completely agree. My friend bought a new house and I told her I was sad, not because she got a new house, but because I was sad we weren’t going to be so close. I was so happy for her new house, but very sad she wasn’t going to be so close. So it wasn’t jealousy, but sadness at not being able to see my best friend everyday.

Insightful and comforting. This is a topic I have personally struggled with. People tend to compare themselves, it seems like a natural tendency. I have always felt uncomfortable when my mother compared me with my sister and I’m sure it made my sister feel uncomfortable as well. I am not one to brag or make huge declarations when I accomplish something but at the same token, I was diminishing myself for the comfort of others to not trigger jealousy and belittle my worth and increasing my own discomfort as well as sense of worthiness. I remember years ago, I put the message intensely into the universe to show me the confusion in my life and two weeks later I lost three friendships. It was a sad time but I realized it needed to happen for all of us. I could no longer dim down for their comfort and they could no longer feel good about the direction their life was taking when they stacked up against my mirror. The drive in me is to only compete with yesterday’s me and the drive in others; is to stack themself against the same kind of reality or feel superior by pointing out flaws in others. Most days, I’d rather hang out with animals and children or elders because it seems to be a peer to peer pressure.

madorha

Word. Story of my life-we persevere.

Shivani

I think that this article is really helpful. I feel like my friends dad wants to be the best at everything. He wants to be better then my dad. And his wife wants to be better then my mom. My brother knows about all this jealousy so he said he won’t let my friends dad beat or be better then my family. Just because my family doesn’t have an own house and lives in a rental place he thinks he is better. He will see soon. Soon my family will have a nice house. I think that friends family should be helpful, but NO. It cant be that way. Now my friends dad is spreading all his jealously on his children. My two best friends are now being jealous because I got a new pair of Uggs, a new iPod touch 4g, Nikon purple camera. Why do they have to be so jealous. Now I have to be so rude to my friends dad but now I like it because he is the rudest person ever. I feel happy with what I have. I am glad I can try to shut up my friends dad. If you have a problem like this then try to tell your friends and maybe they can fix this Problem before they get the JEALOUS!

hard

Considering you had to mention the boyfriend paying, and post that publicly (as if it matters, husbands that are sole bread winners pay for vacations for their family all the time, but people wouldn’t post that publicly), I’d say you were more jealous than happy for your friend. If the boyfriend could afford it, more power to both of them. It’s their life anyway, not yours. I’m sure plenty of girlfriends pay for expenses too. I used to have a boyfriend that lost his job and I’d pay for all the dates. You do what you have to if you want company. And what goes around comes around.

Bwalk

I have many people surrounding me who act the very same way described.These people are all people that I am very close too and know all of things that I’ve had to endure Ex:the lose of my kids,Losing things repeatedly and it just really saddens me to know that when things are going a little bit better for me..I get some many negative responses.I’m not the type to brag about anything I’m just a person that try’s to stay strong at all times but I have no emotional support from anyone and I know that from what is displayed above these are all signs of Jealousy!!!

a good person

I have a friend that does all of these thing at what really makes me upset is that she stole my besties

BettyB

This article is insightful. My close friend of seven years did most of these things–especially the “Positive Negative.” We own competitive businesses, and I feel that was the root of her jealousy. It got so that everything I said, did, or liked was wrong. She also frequently hit me with passive aggressive digs and was unsupportive of a major project I’m working on. At first, the digs were so subtle that I asked myself if I were imagining them, but it became clear that she was cutting me down. I started feeling like I couldn’t talk to her anymore and that she was weighing down my spirit and enthusiasm, belittling my very worth. I began to ask myself if she was even a friend, so I walked away from the relationship about a month ago.

It all still hurts, and I’m still trying to understand, which is what brought me to this page.

One thing I can add is that a jealous friend will sometimes not only greet one’s success with nonchalance but will also underrate or show a lack of concern for bad news. My friend did this. When I had major surgery two years ago, she acted like it was no big deal–the “fluff off” you mention.

MarieB

Thank you for sharing! I went to this page looking for advice and found your post. It’s like you are saying everything I’m dealing with. The last paragraph says my situation to a T. I am a very loyal and forgiving person and have only let go of one friend in my life time of 42 yrs. The hard part is she is a neighbor. I have found I get physically ill after each time I’m with her. Being a stay at home mom for 13 years I have started my own business and have noticed the snarky comments and lack of support, happiness and mean stabs have increased. It is exhausting and draining when you are not a whitty person and don’t think ill thoughts to be around someone who is. My heart goes to all who go through these situations.

The Director

I have just cut off dozens of so called friends, from my personal Facebook page. It was hurtful to reach out and be ignored but watch them interact with others. Funny, right after I unfriended them on Facebook the very same people who blatantly ignored me, immediately sent me private messages…telling me to not be rash, they dissed me for good reasons! Like I should give them slack for being bitter ‘beaches’ !!

See, I’m a filmmaker, crowdfunding some films. Yes I did ask them for a pledge -as little as a dollar! They didn’t even say no. But they didn’t even ‘like’ my posts, or links to videos that I spent a year working on. YUP, as they were clearly online, chatting with others. I even posted on their wall, telling them I sent them a private message. They ignored me till I cut them off!

I am now very wary of friends. Real friends are happy for you. Fake friends stay silent, mum. If you toot your horn, zero. Now I’m getting press and I am wary and looking out for the jealousy…

I am a good, loyal friend. I cheerlead them. I am their champion, praise them, all of that good stuff that friends do. If that isn’t a two way street -they get dumped to aquaintance status. And of course, people like that, who have envy, may loathe you, but they demand insider access to your life.

Never again. I am now very picky who gets close to me

Tessa

I am having a similar experience. I have just started my dream business and my closest friends have not even acknowledged this. I don’t expect their lives to revolve around me but if my good friend opened up a business that they’ve dreamed about for years you can bet I’d be supportive. The closest thing I received was a text message saying “Congrats! But did you think about this problem…”

brettblumenthal

Tessa, congrats on starting your dream business. You deserve a lot of credit and should be very proud. As frustrating as these people are, remember, their acceptance isn’t what is important…yours is! Basque in the glory of your accomplishments…and don’t let them rain on your parade!

marioncoath@gmail.com

Me & my boy been working out forever..he been at it way longer than me..now
I believe he’s jealous cuz I just started and is more cutup than him after 3 yrs compared to his 16 years! He barely calls & whenever I tell him of a good workout he constantyl brags about how good him & his friends at da gym get it in..now I have my home personal gym..never stepped foot in an actual gym but getting faster results than him on the cutup side of things.on fb I get comments like wow and dams! He said one time that he never got these comments..is it just me yall

Ivana

A major component of a real friendship is ability of both friends to be happy for success of each other. I find that it’s easy to find someone who is there for you when things are rough but as soon as they get better “friends” show their true colors by being incapable of being happy for you. We are not talking about bragging here or anything, just sharing good news when your “friend” asks you. I am about to cut one such “friend” loose because I am getting tired of her blank stares, disapproving silence and incredibly fake support. Every time I share anything happy with her I feel like I have to justify my happiness. As if I really shouldn’t be happy about the thing that makes me happy. She only feels comfortable with me when I am miserable. I would rather be utterly alone than have blood suckers like that in my life. I cut people like this off before and I have no problem doing it again. The interesting thing is that this person complains to me about friends leaving her. I think now I know why. I don’t believe in avoidance though, I believe in telling it to the person’s face.

tshap

Ivana,
I sooo hear you!! Have a friend thats just like this as well-VERY ‘supportive’ when im in a rut or times are tough but the SECOND things look up its like her whole mood shifts. Suddenly her kind, empathetic texts turn in to curt and monosyllabic or are nonexistent. Needless to say when i’m ready to throw in the towel as well and would suggest you reevaluate ur friendship as these ‘friends’ are snakes in disguise. Best of luck to you

Lisa

I had the same thing happen to me. Mine was a step worse . . I invited 52 people to my party and 2 showed. It makes me go back to being distrustful of others, just when I was letting down my guard. At times it really saddens me, but most times I don’t care because I have a lot on my plate right now to focus on this.

rajam

you don’t realize how lucky you are when jealous people avoid or leave you. You definitely need people at a higher level.

Shocked

I recently went through a very painful divorce and because of my hellish circumstances I had to stay with a cousin for several months as well as a college pal for another several months. I was also suffering from major depression at the time so I just wasn’t myself. FFW several years later and I reconnected with some other college pals after getting remarried and found them to be very disrespectful and ing with me. One of them even compared all our friends marriages to my failed one and seemed to be blaming things on me. They even criticized my grades in college. I was not looking for sympathy but I never expected to be attacked. They seemed to be annoyed with me. I suspect because I kept to myself for years but I had to take time to gather my strength. The whole thing left me feeling like I wished I never got together with them. I’ve had to dump friends before I just never thought I’d have to dump these.

Unknown

My friend’s jealous of me and she’s mad at me. Oh well…I have a million other friends

too nice

I have a new friend who we met after she moved into my neighborhood. At first it seemed good but then she kept asking for things all the time, and saying how she has no money. Her husband has a good job but gambles. So she is always saying she has no money for this or that. I live on a tiny income from disablity and she thinks I am rich. lol. So she asks me for things all the time. If I do things for a girl I have sort of adopted this friend gets jealous. Like I got this girl a pc from a yardsale. So this friend is mad and upset. No matter what I do for this person she is never satisfied its never enough. She has 5 kids, and no car cause she lost her liscense from drunk driving. I can not inable her. I tried to help but it seemed like she wanted more and more and if I did not give it she was mad. To me that is not a friend. Its as if she latched onto me cause I am a kind generous person. I had to back away from her now she is being very mean to me. I have had friends like that in the past. When the well runs dry they abandon you and go onto the next well.

People love to hear bad news. You will not have alot of friends when the blessings float and that is indeed a sign that people are jealous. So, when they act like this, that means that you are important.Let them burn in their own flames. Don’t be like them. Let God keep blessing you. Bad people want you to be like them, so that you won’t be blessed either. Misery loves company. Don’t fall for it.

Didi

I would say this information is accurate, jealousy is a story of my life thoughout. The amount of times of being backstabbed is countless. Just recently been accepted to my masters degree and all they can say is just piles of negitive comments, if it was someone else would be completely in reverse. I think people are really seeing something in me which I dont fully grasp that imitates to such a point they become insufferable. I am always very polite and nice to people, and never judge anyone yet I am sick to death of backstabbing and people running away from me — it is beyond me.

Sabrina

Good points. I so agree. I have also experienced a lifetime on jealousy,dismissiveness,insincerity, and broken relationships. What hurts the most for me is when you didnt see it coming from female family members and so called sisterfriends. You rationalize that you are imagining it until it is obvious to even the blind then attempt to lovingly address it only to be told you are too sensitive. Trying to be understanding and gracious but another friendship bites the dust simply because of jealousy…ugh!

Faya

You are dead on. This describes my life to a tee. Just got through praying and asking God to help me not get bitter. So many damaged relationships because of the ugliness of jealousy. Family and sisterfriends are the most painful indeed….Glad I know a God who truly cares about what I cry about……

Anon

Me too, I’ve gone through this many times, including with 2 best friends, my mother, and even a couple of the guys I’ve dated. I always tried to help and encourage these people, yet they just treated me this way anyway and ended up distancing me more. As someone said, they seem to see some potential in me that I’m not even fully aware of myself. They don’t seem to realize how much this hurts the person they are doing it to. I personally think it comes from the person’s immaturity, so unless they can try to deal with it then we are better off without them. These points help me see more clearly what is going on, even though I’d always suspected it.

Backstabbers are those who want to see other always in the back, Ideal with that every single day so what I do, is to tell myself that I’m the best and if anybody else think otherwise then screw’im . This is one of the most beautiful quotes i’v ever read: If you have enemies, good it means you stoop up for something in your life . Be the best always be happy no matter what other say, and your master is one of a hell weapon you’ve got to prove and made them more jealous ^^

eminemfan

I love that quote too! Eminem said it, I just love him X)

sadandconfused

I feel you pain, i am only 20 and this has happened over and over again in my life. I dont even like to think of myself as envied or begrudged… At the start of the friendships it would be all well and happy and not too long after they would deteriorate and come to an end because of jealousy. I am not a jealous person myself – people usually say jealousy starts with jealousy. I am seriously just a happy person with a positive outlook on life and a lot of self confidence. & not have I EVER rubbed that into any of my friendships of acquaintances. For instance, if a girlfriend and I are getting ready together for a night out on the town, and I am very pleased on how my hair and makeup turned out, and how i am happy with how i look and how i am confident with my appearance, i dont rub it in, or talk about how much i love myself and how good this looks and that looks – i actually turn all of my positive energy on comments about the friend, like how great they look in that dress or how awesome they did their hair. Times when I can tell a friend is feeling a little down with their self appearance, i help them in every way possible to build up their self confidence to look and feel good. There is no better feeling knowing you have put a smile on a friends face. Anyway my whole life feels like how you have explained… I am a nice young lady who has respect for others and I always use manners and I have good morals and I very polite – and I get shit throw in my face 🙁 ? A friend of 12 years is currently going through personal changes (finishing school, going to college, girls, boys, weight issues, self image issues) and shes also addicted to those stupid apps like instagram (more like instabrag or instantjealousy***) and tumblr where her head is filled with all of these pictures of “perfection” and being super skinny and being reallllyy pretty, cool and hip. I can see it messing with her self esteem so much. And she is starting to be nasty to me. So randomly – out of knowwhere.. like saying horrible un-needed things on a photo that i posted on social media that i liked of myself. and this is a true friend of mine! so upset and confused on where this is leading. i could never bring this up with her to discuss and manage. Being on the subject of jealousy it would start all sorts of dramas! 🙁

Lauren

I know how you feel girl one of my former friends did that to me too so I can easily say that the girl you are talking about isn’t a real friend it’s time to distance yourself from her stay beautiful

kiwi

I have had similar experiences in life, and I’ve come to a point where I just ignore as much of this backstabbing as I can. I learned that I can only trust my closest family members: husband and kids. Even my parents display signs of jealousy when I share my success with them. Good luck with your master’s and don’t let anyone stop you from achieving success.

judy

this is exactly how i feel. i try my hardest to be nice to others, always try and give the benefit of the doubt. i don’t even have to open my mouth and i am judged. i am pretty much ignored by the majority. it is very hurtful when people won’t even give you a chance. oh i have some pretty amazing friends that treat me wonderful, but in general it is a battle ever day, i wish i could figure it out. i will continue to apply the golden rule- it’s the right thing to do.

brettblumenthal

The golden rule can be difficult, but it definitely helps you sleep better at night 😉

Amberly

I can imagine how terrible that is, but my issue isn’t the judging. I’m only in fifth grade and I’ve had jealousy problems all my life. I have 1 best friend who I love to death, but my old friend is so jealous of us. She always is whispering to her friends and staring at us, and whenever my friend and I are talking she is glaring at us. Actually, one of her friends told me that the jealous girl said behind our backs “I wish that girl (my friend) would get away from her (me).” So she is obviously jealous, though she shouldn’t be because she has her own stupid friends! I think she is totally against my friends, but I’m not okay with that. I don’t really know what to do anymore…

Nana

I am just realizing at 27 years old that the people I had close in my life have been deceitful and most willing to try to hurt me. I have been oblivious to the signs of backstabbing and deceit, or I’ve tried to ignore them, in an attempt to keep the peace, but, when I began to feel like my energy was being sucked out of me by these people, that’s when I recognized how low my awareness was and how they’ve been able to manipulate it. I have a dual nature about myself. I can be extremely loving and kind, very giving and compassionate. Then I had an abrasive, angry side that comes out when I feel like I’m being attacked or hurt (this is because of early childhood trauma).
I recently had to cut one person from my life. I sent out an email to people I felt close to about going through a deep depression and recognizing that the early childhood trauma was causing the depression and that I just wanted people to recognize where I was in my life. Shortly after I sent out the email, the former friend of mine began to send me emails about things that she was accomplishing in her life. I would’ve felt more supportive if the tone of her emails didn’t come across as bragging in nature. I also felt that I had made it very clear that I was in a deep state of depression and the tone of her emails were extremely insensitive to what I was going through. I have had conversations with this person where we exchanged information about moments of happiness and it never came across in that way. I felt her intention was to take advantage of the opportunity that I was going through a tough time in my life to throw in my face how happy she was. With grace, I responded to her emails congratulating her, but I also felt my energy being sucked out every time I did, as I was expending energy trying to stroke someone’s ego, where they weren’t expending energy to assist with my wellness. Also, I have passed along opportunities to her which have propelled her career and supported her dating my best male friend. I felt like she was encroaching on my personal space, intentionally, whether it was to get closer to me, or to get something she felt I had but she didn’t have access to. Whatever the case may be, I had to let her go, especially after I invited her to my bday dinner and she responded with “I’m sorry, I totally forgot. I think I’m going to pass,” after numerous reminders of it.
The second person who I am beginning to withdraw from is my cousin. She and I have had a difficult relationship in the past, mostly with her blaming me for every misfortune that has happened to her, and I use to accept the blame until I realized that she blamed everyone for her misfortunes and everyone was out to hurt her or get her. Her mother suffers from depression and I recognize now that it is a good possibility that her mother eggs on this behavior in her because she’s miserable. Her mother blames people for her misery also and is rarely happy. Being the type of person that I am, I have allowed her behavior to manipulate me in to believing that I was at fault, so I use to give to her freely, buying her expensive gifts for her bday, inviting her to spend time with me and paying for her plane ticket when my job assigned me to work in New Orleans. But, even though I have gone out of my way to repair what I believed was broken, I still have a hard time being around her because her behavior never changed. What has pushed me over the edge though is the same encroaching behavior I felt from my other friend. She began to co-opt my social circle, calling people I spent years in college with her friends and attending most of the events that I was invited to. Now she’s a regular member at any event my college friends invite me to. This has come from her dating a male college friend of mine and continuing to date college acquaintances of mine. I wouldn’t have a problem with it except that I have to deal with the bullshit when these interactions don’t work out in her best interest. Or, when she complains about behaviors of my friends, the same blaming behavior she’s used on me. It has even gotten so ridiculous that if someone invites her out, and she can’t afford to go, she gets angry at the person for not “respecting the fact that she doesn’t have the money to go” instead of just saying she can’t attend the event or function at the time. Another behavior I can’t stand is her need to find out personal information about people, like who’s dating who, and will even research people’s facebook profiles for information, something I feel very uneasy about because I tend to keep my nose out of people’s personal lives unless they share it with me. What use to be my safe haven is now an unwelcomed space for me, because I can no longer enjoy the company of my friends without feeling obligated to ask if she is attending events or not, or feeling like I have to share details about events that I’ve attended with them. It has gotten to the point where I’d rather dissociate myself from them and let her continue to befriend them and I find another social circle because she has pretty much inserted herself there and show’s no signs of backing away.

Rain

It sounds more like mine…thanks for sharing!

modest

I am starting to wake up to the effect that jealousy has had in my life. Everyone always seems to want to deny the existence of jealousy- either the jealous person has deluded themselves into coming up with excuses as to the ‘real reason’ they hate you (even when you’ve been nothing but nice except when clearly provoked) or worse still is when you reach out for support from other friends because you are being affected by a campaign by the jealous person who seeks to destroy you in some way and your friend gives you a look that suggests you are being big headed/arrogant to think someone is jealous of you, when even you don’t think the person ‘should be’ jealous, but you are facing facts and doing your best under the stress of someone’s maliciousness. We humans have all experienced being jealous at one time or another and it’s sooooo unpleasant to feel like that. But the best of us do what we can to not make it into the other person’s problem. I was reading this post because I have had so much trouble in the past with striving for achievement only to have some jealous person take away the trappings after all my effort. It gets tiring to keep putting in the effort to never reap the rewards. I’ve lost businesses, jobs, friends, boyfriends and homes for this reason. I used to blame myself, but after much soul searching, self help and counselling, I see what’s really happening. And it sucks because no matter how non-threatening I present myself, no matter what hardships I suffer through, it’s never enough to stop the jealous person. I am sick and tired of it. I was reading the above article looking for protection from it and sadly it seems there is none really. The saddest thing for me is that reading the above, one person came to mind as exhibiting almost all of the above behaviors- my mother! I guess we have blindspots when it comes to our families for obvious reasons. It makes sense of why in spite of being friendly, kind, classically good looking, intelligent and accomplished, I still have low self esteem. In fact I hazard to guess that if none of these things were the case about me, I’d have higher self esteem. Oh and I have tried to be ‘less than’ to not be so unwittingly ‘threatening’ to others and this strategy has got me nowhere. It seems that the only thing to do is to find people who are secure enough in themselves to be around and to go for your goals and trust no one… and to fight off jealous people if you have to. Waving a white flag to these people just makes them take the opportunity to take you down. I don’t know why humanity has to have this destructive emotion as part of the deal. What’s it for???

brettblumenthal

I once was told by a psychologist that some of the people with the lowest self-esteem have the most going for them. It is ironic isn’t it. I imagine that some of what you’ve written above supports this theory.

rajam

you are being punished by them for being too good. Everything about you makes them feel small. Some people just hate to look up. It just curbs their own growth. If they had been willing to give you credit they too might have been able to grow themselves.

modest

I just had an insight- jealous people have put me down a lot in the past, excluded, rejected etc. What this has led me to do was try harder to be prettier, smarter, achieve more, become at times a workaholic etc. They have made me feel ‘not good enough’ and that has motivated me to work harder! So be careful if you express jealousy or put someone down for being/having something you want- you may inadvertently be making them work harder and have more and you’ll have more to be jealous of. Epic fail much?

brettblumenthal

🙂 You hit the nail on the head. How do you think so many unsuspecting people have become so successful?

RAGS

good on you

Saku

So damn true. This is exactly what has happened/is happening to me too. The more they tried to hurt me and put me down the better I did, till the point where a few years later they just don’t have a chance of catching up. Talk about a plan backfiring. Also, with jealous people it doesn’t matter if you don’t reciprocate any sort of competition and have no intention to. because they have already decided in their own heads that everything is a competition to be better than you.

rajam

Actually jealousy is a back-handed compliment, since they feel inferior to you. Best to dump jealous people and look for good company. Even no
company is better than bad company.

Shelley

I had come into contact with an old friend from school 4 years ago. We had a ten yr falling out over her behavior and hadnt spoken since. She lived in another state and got my number from a relative on a networking site. We began talking like no time had passed between us. The conversations started to get really weird as we were sending pictures back and forth. She bought a house after seeing mine, which I was happy for her. Then she enrolled into school for the same program that I was taking. She got a modeling job right after I told her about mine. Then I started to notice she was adding my ex boyfriends, ect to her networking site. Which I thought was weird since she didnt know some of them and she is married. Then she came to visit for her sisters wedding and invited me, my husband and kids. So when we got there she was dancing provocatively on my son who is autistic and then went after my husband as I was outside talking to other people. Her husband was not there, he didnt come with her to visit. Then her husband who I have never met, got ahold of me online and was threatening me, and my brother.He demanded to know who she was cheating on him with. They live 4 states away….how would I have this information. She somehow dragged my name into her marriage problems with her husband. Then some of my ex boyfriends from over 14 years ago started to contact me as she was talking about me to them and trying to stir up trouble behind my back. I deleted her off my networking sites, her number, blocked her. She made a fake profile and pretended to be another woman, and told me that my husband was cheating on me and had another kid we didnt know about. Come to find out, her and her husband had just found out he had a daughter from a previous relationship. She then posted embarrassing pictures of me on her networking sites, that she had stolen from a box that I had shown her of old pictures at my house. I told her nobody would ever see those pictures. I confronted her on her page, she then proceeded to lie and put on a show about how those were her pictures and I was being too sensitive….that Im crazy,ect. She has done all these immature things, and Im the one whose crazy? lol, something is seriously wrong with that picture. People, we are in our 30s, this woman has been jealous of me since we were kids. She slept with all my exes in high school, she talked about me then and she hasnt gotten over her jealousy today. She is very jealous and a compulsive liar. I am not that kind of friend. Although I have dealt with jealousy issues from others before, I have never encountered the low level of maliciousness from another than I have of her. We will never speak again. I have no clue as to why women are so jealous of others….because they are great parents, beautiful, outgoing, successful….why be jealous of that. To have friends who are successful or good looking reflects back on you as the company you keep. Nobody deserves to lower their standards for somebody else or to be bullied the way I was. Im very careful of who I let into my life now, but she wont stop me from trusting others and making friends with other people like me who are of sound mind and good natured. I wont let her jealousy and mental problems ruin my life because she ruined hers.

brettblumenthal

Shelley. I think you have a great attitude. It is great you won’t let your experiences with her impact your ability to connect with others. Thanks for sharing your story.

Rain

Good Approach!! Keep it up!!

Marie

Hi Shelly, I just read your post and I totally sympathize with you. Women are crazy! I have had many friends turn on me because of jealousy. To tell you the truth I’m sick of it. I’m glad I’m not alone…in this. It’s really hard to trust any women except my mom and aunts that’s it.

radishcakes

*Some* women are crazy. Stop generalizing.

Ana

Wow . You enduring all of that makes you , indeed , a beautiful woman by not letting it change who you are . Kinda ironic right ?

rajam

she may be a narc or a psychopath. Why did you tolerate her for so long?

Trans-Former Friend

Once again I have visited the page I found one year ago when I was getting over my own failed friendship projects. I used to be angry with them… Now I feel sorry for them.

Like the director, I too had to un-friend people on FailBook / FakeBook because of similar reasons. Like Didi, jealousy has been a continuous negative factor throughout my life. I am amazed at the amount of reasonably successful and attractive people that waste their life away by allowing themselves to be consumed by jealousy! People have been jealous of me and my life of all age groups, all income groups, and all sizes, and all backgrounds. The bottom line: people will always find something to be jealous of no matter how you yourself may feel or look like at any given time or moment.
My advice to all of us that have been burned by bad friends, insincere coworkers, backstabbing classmates and other negativity craving parasites: trust your senses, be aware of the tell-tale-signs and cut people off early. Don’t hesitate or feel like you owe people- get out immediately. It has made my life so much easier and pleasant, even if it occasionally caused emotional hardship or occasional loneliness. I was amazed how much I opened up to other people after I got rid of the ones that were keeping me down. Eventually you are grateful for the events that led you to break off with them.

Ditto for people allergic to other people’s happiness. Honestly, how can you not be happy for your friends? I just can’t imagine anyone dwelling on envy and all sorts of negativity and taking it out on their best friends. We all got what we have today through toil and labor. If you want something, you have to work for it. How people who have witnessed your struggles and the amount of effort you put into things, allow themselves to feel like ‘you are all that’ when you accomplish things, is beyond me. The truth is my former friends liked me a whole lot better when I was still feeling down and out, going nowhere with my life, earning nothing and being a sad miserable pile of human waste.

There will never be enough words to describe their betrayal and shallowness. I rest my mind knowing I saw through the facade in time without getting more attached to people who were never sincere to begin with, and knowing that karma is a bitch.

I value my family more and more these days, and there are a few additions in the friend department that I regard close. Besides, my main focus has shifted to finding a spouse and settling down with a family of my own anyway. I think society over-romanticizes the idea that you should be in touch with ‘your bestest buddies’ (read: the people you went to school/college with) during the later stages in life. As the current dating material and I have often said to each other: spouses first. No more woe-is-me singles, emotionally neglected martyrs, wanna-be-swingers, drama queens/ kings, or latent crush/ latent sexual fantasy people. We do not miss the drama, thanks for your consideration.

I have experienced jealousy towards me many times throughout my life. I’ve come to realise that no matter how kind and respectful you are towards these people, it doesn’t make a blind bit of difference. These people are selfish, jealous, insecure and exhibit horrible behaviours, such as control, backbiting, criticising and complaining. I for one, can’t be bothered spending my time in the company of such people, I find them emotionally draining. They think life owes them something.
Yes, everyone has insecurities, but it’s how you deal with those insecurities. So someone is better looking than you, so what? So someone is richer than you, so what? Life is what you make it. It’s so easy to see the glass as half empty.
I cut these people out of my life, the way I see it is: they’re not true friends if they’re jealous of you.

Diane

hi, i have experienced jealousy too, but i couldn’t have put it any better than you have written it truthbetold…i couldn’t agree with you more!

Rain

hi, i have had jealous people all around me throughout my life-time..my one aunt and her kids who are my neighbours, never realised that they could be so sweet spoken and tried to gain my sympathy and trust by sharing their pain. I thought of being a patient listener and helping them… but gradually as i grew up and decided to be independent in my professional life, sharing less information with them….they reacted by advising me otherwise very sweetly with big crocodile tears saying that they would miss me badly!! Now, when i am in Melbourne my housemate showed her jealousy by being caring and sweet enough to hurt me…which i did not expect as i considered and cared for like a sister…. but one night when everything rolled in front of me like a movie…her gestures, talks and happenings…all showed up the poison of jealousy hidden within! I was stunned and hurt emotionally… i decided to be at a distance from her and talk less….. now she indirectly says that she is surrounded by jealous people and still cries to gain my sympathy… in which case i do not say much…just listen to what she has to say.
Gosh…. i am sooo glad that i visited this page…came to know a lot…. hope would be able to save myself from such people in present and coming future!! Smile and Bye.

Guest

I definitely agree with you on this . I’ve had friends who just used me socially coz they had nothing better to do. Would be them asking lets do this lets do that. When I suggest we go somewhere or do something they say their too busy or they don’t want to go or do for some reason. Times they’ve made me feel isolated. I care for people a lot and want to help them be a good friend and make them happy but feel they can reciprocate. One thing in particular I’m always the first to take loads photos of them and happy to share them with them but none of my friends want to take any pics of me or even share them with me? If they do take pics, they don’t want to share them ? Is it me or is it fact they are jealous of me ??

Samantha

There is no bridging the gap, stay away from green monsters.

felixbobx

i’m having this problem now, my so-called friend of ten years has suddenlly started making catty remarks and negative comments about anything good in my life. I’m so angry about it, I’ve done NOTHING to upset her I’ve always just been myself. Her horrible remarks have spoilt our holiday together, and since we came back I can’t bear to speak to her. She owes me quite a lot of money aswell, she seems to have conveniently forgotten about that but continues being catty. She has nothing nice to say, even to my husband, except (slyly) pulling us down, pulling down the things we do etc. SO mad, so mad that I dont even want to talk and sort it out, I’m just going to leave her to it! every time I put a photo or anything nice on facebook for example – she’ll make a sarcy comment. grrrr

Rain

Better cut her off!! Be yourself…that matters….!!!

jess

Yea this is currently happening to me and im 14. I had this group of friends that were great to me at first but i had my hair a certain way in the summer so that i couldnt wear it down. Just wear it in a pony. My friend told me she liked this boy but in the end he ended up liking me and calling me beautiful.Like for example i told what he asked me and stuff and she just said”he say that to every body” ummm no he doesnt -_-.
when it came to him she started doing the “slough off” and “positive negitive” and DEFINTILEY lack of support. it was teerrible SHES the reason he looks down when he sees me and looks sad. u.u OH then she had the nerves to invite him somewhere and not tell me until i caught him later. -_- what a bogus friend

Dililia

Great article and dead on for spotting the behaviors of a jealous person. I do believe in the writers suggestions of things ‘considered’ like self evaluation, communication, bridging, but only to an extent. (ie, … it’s important to evaluate if we are coming across as a braggart and such.) But I agree with the replies below, … I’ve finally realized most jealous people can’t live up to that degree of communication, they haven’t got it in them for that deep of a caring relationship. And ‘working’ to fix the relationship for what you have no control over is futile & unhealthy!
I don’t believe relationships with people are disposable, … but as you make less time to be around that negativity it makes room for more positive people to come into your life. I’m learning to be more aware at how I make friendships by getting to know the person better first. I like confident secure people!

sarah beara

i made this skirt out of shirt material and my sister said what the heck and gave me a dirty look. I thought the skirt was awesome for a first try at sewing by hand. Then, m mom was there and said it was cool and i had a talent. Then my sister sighs and says sure it looks good in a low voice. I just wanted he opinion not “will you wear it to school” or that sarcastic smile. i have no idea if i should wear it or not now. I spent an hour on it also! Does anyone have advice

Rain

Surely wear it with pride…. 🙂 It’s special that you liked and made it with all that effort…!!! First compliment should be yours….rest others don’t matter much!!

maya

I have been approached by my manager to apply for a higher position,and my so called friend cannot stop talking how crap my work place is and how I should look for another job,although she is working at the same place.She is constantly,trying to tell me that I am stupid for even thinking of applying for a higher position.I always knew she was jealous,but I have always tried to ignore it and keep quiet about it.Now I am really getting to the point where I am starting to hate coming to work when I know she will be there.

I have a similar situation but its more of a friend with a social/power politics agenda. Long story cut short. In high school I was a guy that the girls liked. After high school I got in smoking weed a lot and basically my personality did a u turn etc. But usually when out an about with this friend I still get girls commenting/flirting etc and he starts acting different or he boats about his over friend being a play boy but when we go clubbing n I chill with girls he never seems to mention it etc. Another example. We was o going through a video of when we was in a club in Cannes. Basically at the stage when I kinda had nothing to do n just stood around doing nothing he filmed me for a good few minutes. Then later on when he was recording n I got into my groove dancing n having fun I came directly into the sight of his camera but he swiftly moved it . now I don’t care but when watching the vids I did notice it and his response was ohhh you n your paranoid theories. Another thing he has a problem with was my cousin who is basically a very connected and powerful man. Everyone I wound mention his name my friends response would get weird. Then one day I put the two together. My cousin came and I told my friend this is x they shook hands and as x walked of to shake hands with everyone else said ohhh so that’s x, x heard because he stopped n froze for moment before continuing. Another example we was once in a shop n a girl saw me for the first time in a year she seemed very happy to see me etc n as she walked off my friend said does she know what you think of her, the girl heard. Personality wise it seems like he want sidekicks not friends and wants to be the focus of everything. He has a nice car but acts arrogant when its new, will make it the focus of everything, accused me of being jealous of it, but then turned out it was his mother’s leased disability car which I’m indiffetent to but did find it ironic. I know very successful people v who drive brand new Mercedes etc and with them never feels like their boasting or gloating n it’s their personalities that speak for themselves. Not ohhhh I did this or I did that I had like 20 calls to etc blah di blah. Also I had brain surgery and 3 months after he evidently dropped a brick at the back of my head. Basement clearing rubbish I was besides stairs, he was walking up with bag of bricks one fell off rolled a few steps down n hut me right on the back of my head. For that I took his word that it was an accident although I did see something a few weeks ago that make me think he could be a psychopath.

chris

know the feeling…I had a very good friend who was fine with me until I lost weight and got happy..then the eye rolling, snorting and weirdness started. I ignored it for a year and a half..they mask their insecurities by blowing up minor issues to make themselves feel superior. I think this person was a real friend, but their basic self hatred torpedoed our friendship. We are kind of friend/aquaintences now…

brettblumenthal

Thank you to the “slough off” kid for your editorial feedback. Unfortunately, you didn’t leave a real email address for me to properly thank you 🙂

SloughingtonPost

And thank you for your kind acknowledgment. I am a “kid” indeed (at heart). Call me SloughPo I guess.

brettblumenthal

Cute 🙂

Guest

I have braggarts as “friends” who belittle my good news or get upset with my good fortune. This group includes the one-upmanship friend. I’ve started traveling light in my later years. I don’t have time for immaturity, so I avoid them.

Travel Fem

I ended a a friendship with a childhood friend recently because he has turned into the person you described in your article. The last straw came during our last conversation, which was about 5 months ago. I was talking about how focused I am on saving money, improving my finances and just moving forward in life. And I mentioned that I found lots of great online resources. He response was to tell me how happy he was and told me a hilarious joke which involved him calling me me a “Financial Advisor ho” because I couldn’t choose just one financial advisor’s books/articles to read or programs to watch…When I told him that that language in general was offensive and that I don’t insult women in degrading ways his insisted it was a joke and that I was at fault for being offended. Apart from not being funny, witty or making any real sense I really started to see who he is now; a bitter, mean spirited, jealous person. He won’t do anything to improve his life but will gossip about and tear others down. I realised that I was his latest passive aggressive ‘target’. I have no time for that kind of foolishness. When you offer someone friendship and they offer you insults, they are not your friend. And people can grown up and grow apart.

brettblumenthal

Congratulations. Standing up for your values is one of the most important things you can do!

eminemfan

I think my friend is jealous of me, so we all live on the same street and yesterday he told me that our other friend only talks to me and that she always agrees with me (which is pretty true) and he keeps telling me that she is “obsessed” with another friend of hers, I think he is saying that so I feel like i’m not her BEST friend and today he didn’t come to get me he only got his other friend out (which I think he did to make me jealous) so I called my other friend but she was leaving so I decided to go outside to see my so called “friend’s” brother and it just happened that my other friend was leaving at the time her and my friend’s brother said hi and ran up to me they were very happy to see me they both started talking non stop, the friend who I think is jealous then went by on his rip stick and said oh hi and continued to talk to his other friend that’s pretty unusual he’s usually excited to see me and trying to make my friends jealous not me but then my other friend had to leave and I was alone. he completely ignored me, I understand that he is mad that our friend likes me better but I cant control that and I don’t know why he’s taking it out on me, our whole group backstabs each other and fights for favouritism over certain people and will do anything for them to like them the best. but now it looks like im going to have to fight to get him back any suggestions on how to make him jealous?

brettblumenthal

Causing him to be jealous is not the answer. A healthy response would be to give him space and possibly talk to him when you think the time might be appropriate about the situation.

Me

I treasure my friendship with my best friend and i would never do anything to bring her down. I support her in all her rightful decisions, even if they do not reflect my own views. However, she keeps trying to accuse my decisions. I was very sad when she told me straight to my face that I would never be able to take triple science. I’m working very hard towards it and she keeps using my busy schedule to get back at me. The strange thing is that her grades are worse than mine. I’m currently running for student council and there is a selection process where teachers will assess our behavior. Recently she’s been trying to find faults with me. I’m generally a good ardent but I do use my phone to game during recess. She actually uses twitter during lessons, but I never tell on her. Hey, no one’s perfect. She keeps borrowing my things and making me look bad in front of my friends. She’ll say “I use to look up to you.” What should I do? I can tell she’s envious of me and talking to her probably won’t help.

nonea

Jealousy is an evil spirit, the only one who can deliver you from this spirit is the lord. Jealousy comes from evil and sometimes it can lead to a very destructive situation between two individuals. Death can definitely arrive from jealousy Imagine a female who has left her boyfriend, she now is dating another guy and her ex boyfriend finds out. He is jealous and goes into a rage and kills the guy for no apparent reason… jealousy can be hidden but overall it is something that should be delt.

One of my neighbors used to be really cool and she is typically a very shy, taciturn type of person, but she would talk to me and that was great. Now it seems like she’s mad or jealous of me. For one, she said she didn’t understand my choice to get married (I got married back in Feb 2000, long before I met her!) because “you should only get married in order to have kids.” and proceeded to say that my hubby and I would get sick of each other. Honestly, my decision and my reasons for marriage are NONE of her business. And she always brings up the fact that she works and I don’t. I’m currently applying all over the place. She’s got this job she’s had for 14 years and always complains about it. She ought to be grateful she’s got a job and hasn’t been laid off. It is like she is mad that I’ve been married and have been with my hubby for many years and she is alone. And she always tries to tear me down, so I just stay the hell away from her. I sense that she’s just jealous because I’m happy and life has kicked her in the ass so many times.

Vanessa xx

Has anyone been though this …??

You become educated with a successful career and then your friends suddenly dump you and change their phone numbers without you knowing? I was texting them to meet up and wondered why they took so long to answer until i decided to ring operator tells me that number not recognised!?!. Oh well. They were bad news anyway wish i knew it from the start but then i was only 18 (26 now)

demi

so i have my best friend who i new that would be always there for me but lately she has changed a lot!she only cares about being the centre of attention and when we go out it’s like she tries to make me feel bad and embarasse me.Well we were always very close and we use to swap our clothes and i noticed that 9 of 10 photos she has on fb she’s wearing my clothes.But i really don’t mind that.Till now i was fine with her wanting things that i have like a dress or like saying that i’ll be blonde (well i was kinda blonde before) well she also dyed her hair blonde.She always knew that i want to buy an audi when i graduate so once we was at a cafe she accidentally point a car and said that’s mine!and i said to her are you kidding me?when did you want an audi?I really think she uses me last time she said she’d come home to pick me up at ten and i said her that i maybe not be ready at ten and said to me to be ready otherwise her parents won’t bring her here..and i waited 45minutes with my higheels on wathing tv and when she finally came she asked me to do her hair.Ok sometimes i thing i’m a little rough on her and i should support her but she does thinks that i disagree with doing them like fucking with a friend of mine boyfriend and i don’t encourage her on doing that mainly because i don’t want to be in her position and that girl is also my friend!Anyway last night i logged in from her account to check her inbox messages (and tell her if the guy she likes sent her any) and i saw a conversation with her best friend who lives far away and she was compaint about me and call names at me!I promised myself that i will not accept this kind of behaviour again!i thought she was my best friend apparently she thinks that she’s now way better than me or maybe an improved version of me!

Tree

It’s the bain of my life. I never spot it until it’s too late. And it has the most incredibly destructive power. In my centre, I live a very beautiful life. I have this in the way I look – my work is incredibly beautiful – and upholds this striving to empower those who come into it – I have a beautiful daughter – but I am never rich in terms of finance. My experience around this, goes like this. Very often, those posing as my closest dearest friends will work to get really close to me, and I will give an enormous amount of space to them – listening to their negative stories in life, support them, love them. Then. Usually out of nowhere – something will pop, and they will tear me down, tear me to pieces. Usually in a fit of anger – that I never saw coming. Same with lovers. It’s something I am having to look to very closely now. Indeed. As I am now in a place of not knowing where I can trust. Particularly when it gets aimed at my daughter. It frightens me. What do I do? Give over all I am and what I do? Of course not. . . . . But I am left wondering if there is any authentic love in my life – and where it might be, have grown afraid to trust it. . . . . just incase it isn’t real. Vulnerable here. Wanting to make choices. But not knowing how. The monster of jealousy is destructive indeed. Nice post – thank you. Providing a window that helps reflection, as it is a very painful thing.

Christian

My friend is very insecure and unattractive and im the opposite, this article describes his behavior perfectly.

DearWifey

I don’t understand jealousy, I see it as a complete waste of my time. I recognise it now when I see it. Graduating, new job, promotion, or even new shoes! The things that friends say. It’s not just women, some of my male friends can rival the girls for jealousy awards.
I’m truly happy for other people when they succeed, I know it took hard work and determination. But what I will say about jealous people is, they seem short sighted.
They only see what you have, and don’t add up the hours of blood, sweat and tears it takes to achieve your dreams. Most of the jealous ‘friends’ I have left in my dust! So long suckers!

charlotte.quevedo

I cannot really find enough friends because I deal with so much jealousy. What sucks even more is that when you try to talk about it ppl get jealous all the more and call you vain. I just terminated a budding friendship because I smelled jealousy strongly. Some women who have their good in life wish they were the only ones, and so when they see someone doing well or possibly better they try to treat you as inferior. I get sick of jealoys individuals because while I think jealousy itself is natural and normal, what many ppl do about it is silly. I do not treat ppl badly because they have something I lack or am not equally blessed with. I have come to accept that I do not have everything I want or need in life and everyone is better than I am in some way.

JDot

I’ve dealt with several jealous women throughout my life. I’ve noticed that all of those women had one thing in common: nasty auras. I always felt super uncomfortable and insecure about myself when I was around them. I always felt like I had to put myself down in their presence, or that I couldn’t feel good about myself–otherwise they’d try to tear me down. Even if they were being “nice” to me, they were TOO NICE and TOO COMPLIMENTARY. Jealous people share a lot of similar characteristics!

Mel

I know this is an older post, but I just have to comment: reading all of the comments has really helped me feel better about my situation.

My husband and I recently took a dream vacation around the world. We are not rich by any means, but are very good at saving and budgeting. Naturally, we posted pics online. When we came home, we realized that multiple friends had “unfriended” us; some that we had known for years. It’s sad, really.

brettblumenthal

That is sad! How very jealous they must be of your amazing experience. But obviously it’s a reflection on them not on you.

girlonline

I don’t know if this is a comment or a reply. My friend and I keep aurgueing and I don’t know what to do. Her actions match up to all of these points and now I get it. When I show her a picture I am proud of she either goes ” ummmmmmmmmmmm its interesting.” or “well I have 5 improvments for you, this this and this.”
And the other day I was picked to perform my singing and she went “ohhhhh. Miss made a mistake. Has she herd you sing?”
I can not sing but she constintley tells me that and now, even at disocs I don’t have fun and sing before I don want her to tell me I m rubbish more and I will embarres myself.
She has always made fun of me to make other people laugh. It is in a jokey manner but it still hurts.
I’m not trying to sound full of myself but I think she is jealous because even though she was in set 2 I am in set 1 and we both play for Yeovil Netball club but I am team a and she is team b! Also, we were both in the school netball team but I was captain. We are both picked for the hockey teams but I score the winning goals.
I dint know weather to try and do bad so she can win or not. She isn’t bothered about the friendship so I don’t know weather to keep trying because I is like an elastic band. It takes to people to hold it but when one lets go it hurts the other. If the other then lets go it will completely fall and hit the ground hard.
Thanks for reading if you did!!

Veronica Pi

Have a jealous friend who is a born again Christian. I know no one is perfect, but she spouts jealousies about her sister and me. Always says how lucky I am for this and that. As soon as she heard I was sick, she was very supportive. I know she suffers from mental illness, but she is treated for it. She makes me feel so uncomfortable. I wonder if she rejoices in my illness, as terrible as that sounds. She also said I found my husband because she prayed for me. Unreal ego.

Slkdak

What a great article! I know that gnawing feeling I get when I sense someones “passive/aggresive” jealousy. The are your friend or family, you sense what is going on in your gut but nobody will own up to it and you can’t really call it out. This article articulated what I am often feel inside from someones jealous behavior but can never pinpoint what is going on. The “slough-off” and the “friendly ghost” are usually my clues. Nothing has happened but their behavior is changing in a very painfully, long and drawn out process. It is that emotion that people are ashamed to admit they have and therefore it never gets treated. Instead, relationships and the people in them get torn apart. Thank you for this, it is hard to find jealousy definitions outside of romantic relationships and this is one article that hit it right on point! Somehow it just helps me feel a little validated, it isn’t just in my head, it is very real and you know it but you can’t prove it. I hate jealousy! I hate it when it happens to me and I hate it if I start to feel it towards someone else, especially someone I know I should be offering unconditional love towards. Such a difficult emotion to work through; you know how wrong it is and want it to go away but easier said then done. I would love to learn how to deal with this emotion in a healthy way from both sides.

brettblumenthal

Thanks so much! Glad you found it helpful!

meangreenfortheloveofmoney

I understand why people would be upset over having others getting jealous of them but I think people need to see things from both sides. I have personally been on both sides of the matter and that’s why I’m able to have a sort of compassion and understanding when it comes to people who have exhibited malicious behaviors towards me out of possible jealousy. Jealousy HURTS. It usually comes from a place of painful insecurity in the other person because of past hurts, rejections, being teased and bullied, abused and living in a society which encourages consumption; basing value on superficial qualities, how much you have, how many people like you and competition.

Of COURSE, with these sorts of societal conditions, you’re going to have people being very jealous of others. If people in this society didn’t place so much value on certain things, these problems would be far less prevalent. Even when you believe that your value is based on more than superficial things, you still have society, the media, your family and friends, etc. constantly attempting to convince you that it isn’t. There’s constant pressure to have more sh*t, to consume more sh*t, to fit into a certain standard of beauty, to have the American dream and so on. I’ve read posts on here that I thought were very shallow, superficial and narcissistic. No wonder why we as a society have the issues we do.

People see other people, including friends, as commodities and products. “My friend is mad at me but so what, I have a million other friends.” But do you KNOW any of them? I mean really KNOW them? Can you trust them with your life? Would you accept them if they no longer fit into certain standards? If they lost their house and their money and their status and their job? If they ended up homeless and destitute? Would you still be there for them and love them through it and accept them? That’s a real friend to me. Most people are only friends with certain people because they are of the same social class as them or have similar beliefs or are beautiful or popular or have lots of money and status. How do you know that people are really accepting you for you, if you’re always overachieving and have never been down and out or simply try to hide it, as much as possible, when you are?

Once people in this society start valuing others for more than just superficial reasons, then these issues will be far less prevalent. But people do get jealous of people for other reasons like the admiration they get or having certain kinds of support and a connection with loving family and friends. These are more of the issues I struggle with. I have very little support from family and very few friends. I’m also poor. But at the same time, I feel more grateful for the things I have than probably a lot of others who have far more than I.

People need to learn gratitude and stop comparing themselves to others. People also need to learn to value themselves as they are and be more compassionate towards themselves and others. This is easier said than done but I believe that it can be done. Yes, I have issues with jealousy but I’m human just like all these other people with jealousy issues and I’m working on it. But one thing that would help, is for the media and society and family and friends to stop making people feel deficient and inferior because they don’t have certain things and start valuing people for their own intrinsic qualities that have nothing to do with things, status or other people, instead. Encouraging the intrinsic qualities in others and promoting these things would also be beneficial to society as a whole and to relationships, in general.

brettblumenthal

You raise some fantastic points. Thanks for sharing!

Anon

Hi,

I’ve been best-friends with my BFF for years, I also was the quieter one but recently I have more of a back bone since going to University. For years I also felt put down somewhat, now and then and we both can often find difficulties with a mutual friend. I began dating my boyfriend last year and she was all for it and since beginning Uni I find it hard to balance everyone but try to by making sure I see them during the day and him in the evenings, trying to please everyone. Recently she broke up with her boyfriend and now is saying I’ve changed and she feels I’m always leaving. She doesn’t go to Uni away from home so doesn’t realise the struggle of trying to see everyone, when I tried to explain this she suddenly changed her topic to how I don’t have to see them all the time like I do but spend a day or two here and there. I feel like since her and her boyfriend broke up she has suddenly turned on me. I have always been there for her and never once questioned when she was with her boyfriend or if she couldn’t see me. I have always been the one even when both of us were in a relationship and before I was to try and see each other but now I feel like the blame is always being put on me. She never tries to contact me first it is always me, yet I get the blame. I have been told I don’t do anything as I don’t go out partying because of work commitments and the past two years every time I have I was picking up the pieces from her and her now ex boyfriend. This is still happening but I can’t bring it up cause no matter the subject or issue she is always defensive and twists or manipulates the story. Our mutual friend who can sometimes be temperamental has told her this but she has now become more hostile towards her. I am only beginning to realise it now but I just don’t know what to do? I have experienced her going off the handle with me before they broke up when I tried to help her and then it turned on me. I feel like I don’t know what to do any more, I haven’t change as I’ve asked many others friends in fear I have and in the limited days I have home from Uni I try see friends, family my boyfriend and I work. But nothing is good enough and I’m always getting the back end of it. Please help me what do I do?

jealous

If I am jealous of a friend and decide to stay away, what the hell is wrong with that? people do get jealous and people need time to deal with it and move past it. do you really have to invade their space and force them to tell you that they are in fact jealous of your greatness? seriously? what a saint you are!

janice

The signs are quite accurate for me. Ever since I graduated at grade 7, true friends who support u throughout your life, not judging u, not talking bad things about u, accepting u, and lastly not having any jealously over my success, are hard to find nowadays. I have just entered to this new school and have 2 friendship problems alr due to backstabing. Recently i made friends with 2 of my classmates. One of them which i am closer with, gets jealous over little things. And yes she did confronted to me that she felt that way. Ever since that, i have try ways n ways to avoid making her jealous but as i give it a tot, i dont think the problems lies on me, but her instead. Jealous over my look, body, talents, success, tired of being the one who always take the blame, im tired of being the one who always have to not take nice selfies, score well than her in tests. Im tired. Tired. When she is jealous, she criticised me for everything, literally EVERTHING, and most of the time when this happen, she gets violent and started to act very agressive and violent actions against me, then say that she was just playing with me which i knew it was not the case. I scare of not hanging out with her as well since she will have revenge of me. She have taken revenge on others and make tht person without any friends. Her jealousy is making the relationship fall apart :(. I come to realise that no matter how hard u try to respect and be kind to her, it wont make a diff. They just think about themselves, having this notion that she have to be btr than anyone. Im actually a nice person, i dont judge, polite and im sick of this people having to ruin my life, backstabbing me. Im scare of ditching her as well 🙁 she will bully me for sure just like how she does that to one of her friends…help pls? Any advise?

Parag Bagade

I am also a little better in my work than others in my company i was awarded and given lots of certificates about my achievements, my work envournment is also very compitative so naturally most of the times i have to deal with my friends or colleagues getting jealous of me .but what i feel is that jealousy is a natural behaviour in normal humen beings,to be honest at times even i get jealous by someones success but at the same time i think the ART is to how to control ur jealousy and not show ur friend or anyone that ur jealous of anything now for me thats what makes one a better person if not the best, what one can do is try to convert the same jealously in a challange and if that challange is too hard to achieve then just blame everything on fait by doing this u atleast let urself come out of the jealousy.

this way one can give themselfs some room and not get sad about anyone getting jealous of u or visa versa.

This atleast works for me and make me stay happy:)

Mint

I see a lot of comments about people who are being affected by their jealous friends. What if I’m the one who’s jealous? I’m having this problem about a friend who knows I’m having a lot of trouble with school works but she keeps bragging to me about how she gets A+ in class and etc and I just can’t help but feel jealous. Especially nearing the final exam and I just want to focus on studying but she said she doesn’t feel stressed out during in exam and she seem to want to talk more about it and I can’t just be happy for her because I’m stressed out about my exams. (She’s in accounting major and I’m in chemical engineering major, i feel like i need to say that as an excuse about why i’m struggling). Some advise? Anyone? Or am I just being immature…

brettblumenthal

It is great that you can be honest with yourself and understand how you are feeling. Have you tried pointing out to your friend that although she is comfortable, you aren’t and need to study more…and as a friend, you would hope she respects that? If she can’t handle your honesty…it might be a sign that you need to put a little distance between you until you can feel good about the relationship or until she understand your need for support.