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LE

Same at supermarket checkpoints, but even worse at filling stations.
Stop car. get out. Get back in, move car 12 ft so that actually in same area as pump. Stop car. get out. Lock door. Open door and get handbag out. Then put it back. Fiddle with fuel filler cap, for 2.5 mins until it falls off. Dither over which bloody fuel to use, then finally decide. Spend 40 seconds working out which way to put nozzle in, then begin filling, stopping every 15 seconds, until car is full. Put nozzle back. Pick it up from where it has slipped and spilled. Spend 5 'king years trying to put fuel cap back on wrong way, until finally the old,fat hairy bloke in car behind does it for you!
Pay for petrol, but do spend a lifetime finding purse and cards. Eventually, when all life on Earth has died, get in car and spend the rest of eternity adjusting seat, seatbelt ( must be put on and taken off at least 3 times). Do make up, artfully brush hair, get out of car and retrieve handbag from roof of car. get back in. get out and take keys out of fuel filler cap. repeat all sodding bloody cabin movements again, start car. Stall car, re-start and drive off, with the satisfaction that you have given me heartburn and a stroke!

LE

Car parking machines; walk up to machine, read what it says and then a search through the handbag for the purse, we finally find our purse and then spend another two minutes looking to see if we have the right change.
We then spend a further two minutes string it out while they slowly put the money in and read the costing on the machine after every coin goes in.
Why do I always end up behind the same silly cow every morning to witness this right of woman hood?
It makes me want to.....AAAAHHHHHGGGGGG!

LE

Nights out - forget the actually getting ready bit, thats just a cliche. My girlfriend's the worst for that last 20 minutes looking for phone, keys, bag, lip gloss, headache pills (so she has a valid prop for when she claims she has said headache in 4 hours time), followed by the "are you driving? I dont mind driving. you sure you dont mind, sure you dont want a drink, maybe we should get a taxi, oh damn but you'll have to go to the bank because I emptied your wallet when you weren't looking. Have you got enough cigarettes, because I dont want to carry any, oh but I hate your LS's, cant we just smoke my - insert low tar, menthol, zero effect brand here - ", then the discussion as to whether high heels are a good idea, maybe she should go with flat shoes, but um, doesnt go with her scarf.

Solution - while she spends an hour turning the bathroom into a poofs playground, get her keys, phone, lipgloss, forget the headache pills, purse, handbag, pick her shoes, call the taxi and then physically drag her from the property. Never have a mirror by the front door - I discovered its fatal.

MIA

The current Mrs Bat_Crab spends far too long getting ready to go anywhere and gets upset when I leave the house and start the car.

Apparently I'm supposed to be inside the house telepathically pre-empting her next move so I can present her with the correct handbag, her keys, her 'phone, the pile of mail she wants to post and her umbrella (regardless of the weather).

LE

You all forgot to insert in your pieces ; go to toilet. go to toilet. go to toilet yet again. Four times before going out the 'king door! And once outside, if for any reason you have to wait, like for example, the petrol in car has gone past it's life because of the time you have waited, then she has to go back inside to bog yet again. And wherever you are going, even if it just half a mile away, have to go to bog as soon as you arrive! Christ on a bloody crutch. I'm near dead with a prostate that has left home, gone on holiday and lost it's passport, but I can go 10 mins without having to p1ss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MIA

You all forgot to insert in your pieces ; go to toilet. go to toilet. go to toilet yet again. Four times before going out the 'king door! And once outside, if for any reason you have to wait, like for example, the petrol in car has gone past it's life because of the time you have waited, then she has to go back inside to bog yet again. And wherever you are going, even if it just half a mile away, have to go to bog as soon as you arrive! Christ on a bloody crutch. I'm near dead with a prostate that has left home, gone on holiday and lost it's passport, but I can go 10 mins without having to p1ss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the subject of petrol, remember that no woman is allowed to let the fuel in the car's tank go below 1/2 before re-filling. If the fuel light comes on, she will pull over immediately and call the AA, even of there is a petrol station within 20 miles.

Old-Salt

LE

I believe that there are three new books coming out. Two by Richard Dawkins (him of The Selfish Gene, The God Delusion et al. fame). and one from Steven Hawking. Both of them are turning their attentions to unraveling the mysteries of the female mind (for men of course).

LE

Don't forget the training/ instructions for new phone / other expensive piece of tat.

Stage 1. Presentation of boxed new model must have shiny phone. Exclamation of joy. Spend three minutes turning over and around and upside down before finding where to open box. Futile scrabble at security seal before thrusting slightly grumpily at bloke with (slightly terse) 'you open it then'.

Stage 2. Presentation of unboxed thing. Play with flip/slide function before remembering that battery need attaching. Pass back to bloke. Ignore advice that batts need charging for 12 hrs before use or they die. Find own phone. Scrabble ineffectively at back cover before thrusting grumpily at bloke with (terse) 'you open it then'.

Stage 3. Presentation of assembled phone. Accessories, manual etc shoved back into box as 'too complicated'. Master 'press and hold' to turn on phone. Demand explanation of every function on phone while pressing buttons at random, and religiously not pressing the buttons indicated by instructor. Insist on putting old ringtone on new phone, ignoring that it won't work as new phone is from different manufacturer. Try EVERY BLOODY ringtone at full volume. Complain that phone has gone blank. Connect to charger as battery flatter than roadkill. Complain that new phone won't fit old charger. Attempt to text best mate. Angrily thrust phone at instructor with demand that he walk her through the process. Get progressively more annoyed as the mind bogglingly simple process is explained. Flounce out of room in sulk announcing that you were happy with your old phone. Attempt to turn on PC....

LE

"Hi babe, nows really not a good time. OK. OK. Is it turned on? The green light. The GREEN light. Ok. See the black cable out the back? Yeah that one, follow it until you find the plug. No, thats the scart cable, the SCART cable, forget it, do you see the white thing with 3 holes, that looks sort of like a face? yeah, on the wall. yeah. yeah, you need to plug the DVD player in first. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, disk goes picture side up. up. UP!, um, Im going into a tunnel or something, bye"

MIA

Blokes will have used the time in the queue to have cash and loyalty cards read to pay.

Women: Place approximately 3 items into each bag while packing, carefull opeing each bag as they go. Let all the bags pile up at the bottom of the belt before attempting to transfer into the trolley. Carry on with rest of packing of mound of items that have since built up at the end of the till. Once all complete find handbag, spend 3 hours looking for purse inside handbag. Then go through all the compartments and slots to find payment card having forgotten the loyalty card at home. Winds me up.

Wife went to fill her car the other day. Went to fuel cap and couldn't open the cover. Went to find release catch inside car - no release catch. In the end she had to dig the manual out only to discover she'd been pressing on the wrong end of the cover! She's only had the car getting on for 3 years...

LE

Why do women insist on having 17 full length mirrors in every room. I get no end of grief for not having one in my pad. I know what I look like, and what clothes I'm wearing, a bit of imagination is all it takes, its why I think I always look great.

The moment you suggest on getting a mirror on the ceiling though she goes off her head.

LE

Blokes will have used the time in the queue to have cash and loyalty cards read to pay.
Women: Place approximately 3 items into each bag while packing, carefull opeing each bag as they go. Let all the bags pile up at the bottom of the belt before attempting to transfer into the trolley. Carry on with rest of packing of mound of items that have since built up at the end of the till. Once all complete find handbag, spend 3 hours looking for purse inside handbag. Then go through all the compartments and slots to find payment card having forgotten the loyalty card at home. Winds me up.

You failed to mention ....
... fumbles in purse, gets bored fumbling, ask checkout girl how her mother is, observes on weather, confirms that own family are fine although George is a bit off colour but the kids are doing fine at the new school shame the old one burned down but I'm sure they had nothing to do with it, re-commences aimless fumbling ..."