Johnny Depp chose a press junket to declare that actors who use their celebrity to make musical appearances make him sick. Odd mostly because Johnny Deep is an actor who uses his celebrity to make musical appearances. Or maybe Marilyn Manson pulls him out of the crowd randomly to jam with him on stage. After herpes and botulism, myopia is the greatest afflicter of famous people in Hollywood. Depp didn’t mention anybody by name, so I will. Bruce Willis, Joaquin Phoenix, Russell Crowe, Keanu Reeves, and Kevin Bacon. Much of it is horrid, I’m not so sure it’s sickening. Men become rich and famous so they can do whatever they want. At some age fucking lots of different women only becomes 90% of their world and they need to top it off with another swig of ego gratification. Rock star. If it were easier, they’d all go for astronaut or cowboy or underground mining explosives expert. I forgive Johnny Depp because of Donnie Brasco. Now shut the fuck up and try to believe your lesbian wife when she tells you you’re just as skilled as her girlfriends.

Before the ‘I do’s’ is the best time you ask your soon to be wife, do you still dig short slicked back hair, wearing men’s tuxedos, and lapping up vagina pudding in parfait glasses? Maybe a guy like Johnny Depp has the cock confidence not to give a crap if his wife screams louder for European supermodels, but he better start paying attention to her hot girl typecast complaints:

As a woman, I usually have two options: Sex Object or the Best Friend Who Isn’t Sexy. It’s not creatively fulfilling to just be sexy.

I said to the director [of Zombieland], ‘Do I get to play a true zombie or am I a cleavage zombie?’ I had this fear that he was going to want me to be a zombie in my underwear!

Outside of being a kidnapped Nigerian schoolgirl, being hot looking in Hollywood has to be greatest living hell for a woman. At some point in the not too distant future, Johnny Depp will be calling Chris Martin to ask him how he handled his wife bitching about people hating her for being too perfect. Chris will suggest Johnny let her bang liberal billionaires. Then Johnny will say, do you know any liberal billionaire lesbians? And the two will have a laugh. Chris Martin will go on to write a song about it and Johnny Depp will divorce Amber Heard and start dating a young actress from Italy with a slight unibrow and big tits. This all goes down in early 2016 if you’re marking your calendars.

I can’t bring myself to get excited over Amber Heard any longer. She was cool when she was she-boning other model girls and coming up looking like a million sweaty bucks. Then she got engaged or consciously coupled or some such shit with Johnny Depp and suddenly she was just another one of the same. That scissor kissing bit is a nice hook. Everybody’s kind of tired of the pudgy drama kids coming out, but when a tall hot blonde announces she digs cooter on cooter, that’s still a big deal. Or it was. Until Amber Heard went and ruined everything.

Johnny Depp has appeared to have moved on from his two-decade run as a living rock star pirate in favor of this new look as an early 20th century gangster, or at least a middle-aged asshole who still shows up to swing revivals. He joined his girlfriend Amber Heard at the premiere for her new film, 3 Days to Kill, which is a really original movie about a retired spy with a family who has to go back to work to stop a bad guy from killing a bunch of people, because only he’s the only guy who knows how to stop the terrorists. Johnny wouldn’t know that, though, because he and Amber probably sat in the back of the theater, rolling their own cigarettes and drinking wine from a flask in between makeout sessions, before her mom stormed in and shouted, “I told you to never see this boy again!”

I like people who are proud of their sexuality. Gay, straight, bi, they like to violate blue belly lizards, I don’t give a crap. I admire the heck out of them. I’ve never been proud of my sexuality. Like most dudes, I only crow every third new moon when I ‘git some’. Amber Heard made the bold decision to go public with the fact that she’ll fuck both really famous actors and also super hot women. That’s not exactly bisexual so much as it is just really fucking lucky.

Amber Heard has been cured of her homosexuality, and she didn’t even need to go to prayer camp. All she needed was for Johnny Depp to buy her a horse.

Reports surfaced recently that (Heard) received a horse from Depp, her ‘Rum Diary’ costar, as a present.
The actress, who dated female photographer Tasya van Ree for several years, has been quite open about her affinity for Depp. She told Guest of a Guest last year that working with him “is everything you’d hope working with Johnny Depp would be. He’s absolutely amazing, as far as his talent and him as a person.”

So does this mean they’re having sex? Yes, yes it does. Probably. She was gay, but Depp is so handsome she hurdled that minor obstacle and ripped his pants off the second they were alone. Just like your mom when I came over to your house that time and you weren’t there yet. Zing!