Is it fair my boyfriend wants me to pay rent?

Is it fair my boyfriend wants me to pay rent?

Archived

–,
Friday,
February,
10,
2012,(7:22am)

Dear Bossy: I don’t know where to start with this. My boyfriend (of 2.5 years) and I are having an argument at the moment over money, which is terrible and I don’t know what to do with this situation. I used to have my own apartment which I shared with my housemate, my housemate turned around after awhile and said she would be moving out to find somewhere else cheaper. This was fine with me.

I told my boyfriend the house happenings and he suggested that instead of finding a new housemate I cancel my house lease and move in with him so I could save some money as I was planning to go overseas in April. And then when I came back, I would find my own place. I agreed and cancelled my lease. I was excited as I thought this was a huge step on his part. Now here comes the clinger.

After I moved in and have been living there for 6 weeks, he sent me an email at work, and said that I needed to pay him rent – fair enough- but I was not impressed that he couldn’t even talk about it but had to send me an email, that had the amounts and dates as when I was to pay, we hadn’t even had a conversation on what amount I was to pay.

I’m confused and frustrated as if I knew I would be paying rent to pretty much the same amount as I was before, I would have just found my own place – what was the point of him suggesting I live there with him to save money- when really I’m not saving anything- I feel like he lied to me and lured me in, just so he could get some income on the side. Is this unreasonable? And since I was supposed to find my own place after my return from overseas, my stuff is all in boxes and packed up in storage – I’m living out of a suitcase and share the same bed with him. He has a 3 bedroomed house.

But he says that by me being there, I am limiting his ‘opportunities’ of finding a housemate- but there’s still 2 free bedrooms! And he has never had a housemate in the entire time I have known him or ever mentioned he wanted to get a housemate – so where this ‘opportunities’ discussion is coming from I have no idea. It’s made me start to question his love for me, somehow I just feel deceived and a pawn. He’s been having money troubles of late and I think he saw me as some kind of bait. I’ll be away for 2 months and even during that time he wants me to pay rent – if this was anyone else that would be fair enough but he is my boyfriend, I thought he was helping me out- but I really will not be benefiting from this move at all and that was the whole point of moving to save money.

I’ve tried to tell him how I feel, but he’s so adamant and apparently upset that I could even question him as he feels he’s being generous. I just feel that if he had told me from the beginning that he wanted rent and at what amount from the start, I could have made a better informed decision, he let me cancel my lease, told me I would be saving so much – yet it was all in vain. What is the point?! I could have found a housemate and wouldn’t be living out of suitcase. I realise that I made an error in not clarifying what this move meant, and I assumed a lot of things but really is my perspective so irrational?

At the same time your fella is clearly no brain surgeon. It would have made sense for him to raise all this with you before you moved in, including the amount he expected you to pay.

And yes he does sound like a bit of an arse for expecting rent but not giving you any of the benefits that go with rent, like space to unpack your stuff.

Whatever the case you are leaving to go overseas in April so suck it up and save what you can by staying in and ewatching Tv at night...on his couch. Eat lentils. Drink instant coffee. Squirrel away what you can and next month let your boyfriend know that you are moving out prior to going overseas so won’t be paying rent while you are away.

Put your stuff in storage. It will be cheaper and generally more satiusfying than paying him rent.

Have a great time overseas. On your return land on your boyfriends doorstep armed with gifts and a winning smile. Ask whether you can stay until you find a place - max two weeks. If he says yes, enjoy. Pay for groceries and take him out to dinner. If he says no, stay with a friend and reconsider your boyfriend.

In future don’t expect short cuts to saving for a holiday… like having someone else pay your living expenses.

Have Your Say

I think that is a bit harsh Bossy. He obviously owns the house, and he made it sound like she could save the money instead of paying rent. He has been her boyfriend for two and half years - why would she not take that on face value? The fact that all her stuff is in storage makes it sound even less like she should pay rent. Paying rent implies she has the use of the premises, and could therefore unpack all her stuff instead of paying for storage and now rent as well, which is crazy. Sorry but I disagree with you today - the guy obviously got into some financial difficulties and is using her as an ATM.

OP - The part Bossy says about ‘moving out’ (if that is what you call packing up a suitcase) before you go O/S is the best idea - but I would go sooner. I would rather stay in a backpackers than with someone who turns on me like that.

Why the hell should he let her stay for free? Some of you women are a joke, you want equality, but only when it suits you.

Fiona replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (10:08am)

I agree IL.

There’s nothing wrong with him expecting her to contribute to the rent but by saying “stay with me so you can save money” I would take that as you can stay for free or the rent will be cheaper. If he wants her the pay the same amount why talk of “saving” there’s no saving at all to be done here.

I’m not thinking the guy is necessarily being deliberately deceitful and using her for extra cash but I would be concerned being with someone who cannot communicate properly. He didn’t explain himself in the first place and then mentioned it over email and will now not discuss the situation with her and talking of what he “expects"… well that would give me great cause for concern as to the longevity of this relationship.

We’re not always as eloquent as we’d like to be but if you’re not willing to discuss something with someone you love and have been with for a long time then alarm bells should be ringing OP.

Smidgeling replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (10:17am)

Agreed IL. If he hadn’t suggested it on the basis of saving money I would’ve agreed with Bossy, but she said the rent would almost be the same as she was paying in her own place.

Unless she’s saving more $30+ per week she’s not really saving anything by living with him.

Minstrel replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (11:17am)

This post summarises the modern woman’s view of this situation. The man is expected to pick up all of the costs for her accomodation so she can save for a holiday.

That she is going on by herself.

Compare the responses to that fact with those for posts about a guy going on holiday with his stepfather.

And they wonder why “bros before hos” is the credo.

Pay your way slackers, just because you’re female doesn’t mean you can skive off a man although you seem genetically predisposed to try to do so.

Alvamarina replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (11:34am)

I agree with you Iron Lady.

I do not think the OP was irrational to think she wouldn’t be paying rent when he told her to move in so she could save money before she goes away on holiday for two months. I would have assumed the same thing after being together for 2.5 years!! Although from the beginning I would have offered to take care of some expenses (groceries?) just out of courtesy to see what he would have said. I believe the problem here was communication.

Liz replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (11:57am)

I agree with Iron Lady - if he had been upfront about the costs, OP may have just found somewhere else. Be has, in effect, lured her in by pretending to try to “save her money” while all along he was looking for a rental payment to help him out.
If he was upfront about the costs, then fine. He wasn’t, and now OP feels a bit like she’s been cornered into a situation she wouldn’t have chosen to be in.
OP, start paying rent to shut him up while you find somewhere else short term. Then go. Quickly.

Hicks replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (12:41pm)

All I heard was gold digger when she said she would save money otherwise spent on rent and put it towards moving overseas.

Obviously she is just using him for free rental accommodation and the fella figured it out. He isn’t stupid and wants you to pay your way until the eventual breakeup when you move.

iron lady replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (01:19pm)

PJ - for the record, I pay my own way at all times, and don’t respect people who use others. I don’t think this woman is ‘golddigging’ at all - she was perfectly happy to stay where she was and get a new housemate. He made the offer to come and stay with him “so [she] could save money before she went overseas” - it also sounds short term - she says she is going overseas in April, and has been there for 6 weeks which would make it around 4 months. It doesn’t sound permanent. He didn’t say ‘rent a room in my place’ or ‘how about I become your housemate’ - that is different. How is she ‘saving’ by paying the same amount of rent plus storage costs? How is she renting a property if she can’t have her stuff in it?

Sounds like he made an offer, and is now changing the deal without any consultation, which is unfair. She is saying that if she knew this was the plan, she would have stayed where she was. That is not golddigging. She isn’t complaining about paying the rent, just the way it has been introduced after a different offer was made.

Matthew replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (02:21pm)

I was watching a very interesting show on foxtel about memories. The major thing was that people don’t remember a thing properly at all.

I suspect the OP decided later on that she heard “save money” and her bf didn’t say it all. I doubt they organised anything but I’d be willing to place money on the fact he didn’t even say “save money”.

The OP is just being a cheap free loader and bossy is right. Her BF isn’t perfect on this (clearly they didn’t have a decent conversation before hand) but she needs to pay up (and he should reconsider their relationship if she is unwilling to pay up).

Fiona replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (02:32pm)

CHAS - Can I say I let my ex-bf stay with me for 6 weeks rent free? I didn’t mind as he chipped in with bills & food but I was paying the rent anyway, the cost didn’t change. I loved him, it didn’t put me out.

PS. I think you’ll find 99.9% of people (male & female) agreed with Bossy that the last poster was a whinging harpy. Talk about reading what you want tor read…

Miles replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (02:39pm)

Seriously, what the # is wrong with so many posters?

She IS saving money even when paying rent at the boyfriend’s house. She is not paying for the WHOLE rent she would otherwise as she had no housemate. Who knows how long it would’ve taken to find another one? Also, does she pay half the bills at all - does she pay anything? I note that she has conveniently left out this little piece of information. Even is she was, SHARING the bills is still better than her paying them all by herself.

She is a selfish, entitled, naive little girl. She wants all the rewards without the effort. A holiday (read: tacky contiki shagfest) is a luxury - her boyfriend is not obliged to help her pay for it.

KB replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (02:46pm)

Totally agree IL.
OP I can’t believe he is expecting you to continue paying while you’re on holidays - you don’t even have (hardly) any of your things in his house!!
and it has nothing whatsoever to do with ‘equality,’ it’s about the fact that he made a point of telling the OP that she should move in with him because she will be saving money, when in fact she won’t be saving any money at all.
I know I certainly wouldn’t be landing on my boyfriends doorstep armed with gifts and a winning smile if he had acted like this with me. Poor form - especially after 2.5 years.

Emma replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (03:00pm)

i agree IL. i have my own place and have let a friend stay with me for about 4 months when she had nowhere else to go and needed to get back on her feet. she offered to split the bills with me and bought her own food etc. so if anything, i was better off with her there, with no rent!
i would assume OP was willing to pay half the bills etc. too, so to have him decide suddenly that she should pay rent after stating that she didnt have to, is wrong. this isnt about her skipping out on anything, when you’re told you dont need to pay rent, thats what you expect!
she needs to either make herself completely at home because she now lives there and has the right, or pack up and decide if after 2.5 years your boyfriend cant find a little generosity in himself, maybe he’s not right for you!

Iron Man replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (04:20pm)

The idiots who are replying to this response with issues of sexism (modern gals want it all syndrome) are missing the point completely. The issue would be the same if the OP was a guy and his girlfriend duped him with ‘save money by moving in with me’ and then turning around and asking for rent.

OP, I don’t think you’re being irrational at all. In fact, if you were my FRIEND let along girlfriend and in the current situation you described (had my own 3 b/r house, knew you were in a spot of bother with your home situation) then I would’ve offered my couch or a bedroom with no expectation of rent. And if I wanted rent, I would’ve told you straight up at the beginning. That’s the NORMAL and DECENT thing to do.

I reckon find yourself a good friend who’ll let you crash with them for a while and dump the boyfriend.

Kay replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (06:39pm)

Love all the gold digger comments when she’s only acting on the fact he said she could move in to save money.
My only comment is the Op should have sorted these details beforehand. I would have taken it the same way, and I’m in no way a ‘gold digger’.

Ben replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (06:52pm)

@Alvamarina I’m glad you highlighted the “goes away on holiday for two months” bit.

She can afford to go away for two months. He is in a tight spot.

I think it says far more about their relationship that she wouldn’t want to move in with him unless there was some financial benefit to doing so, and her number 1 priority is her holiday. Similarly, that he expects her to pay rent while overseas but doesn’t offer to let her store her stuff (although to be fair, I doubt the OP has actually asked, these couple don’t seem to talk to each other too much).

As for the over-dramatic “I feel like a pawn” - it sounds more like naivety. If she had of been proactive about it she could have agreed on a reasonable level of rent that benefited her and providing some additional income for him, and this wouldn’t have been a problem.

I guess that is the issue with entitlement - she felt entitled to a free ride, he feels entitled to charge what he feels, and well done for not meeting in the middle.

amzism replied to iron lady
Fri 10 Feb 12 (08:47pm)

Minstrel and Hicks, you guys must be trolls. Did you actually read the post before replying, or did you just look at the title? She was paying rent in her own apartment and was happy to look for a new tenant/new accommodation. She was saving for her trip whilst paying for her own accomodation. By the sounds of it, she has been paying her way through the whole relationship. If he wanted her to move in, he should have asked her straight up, instead of tricking her with lies.

chardster replied to iron lady
Sat 11 Feb 12 (05:09am)

I’m sorry but I think the huge point that’s being missed is that after 2.5 years you’d think that these two would have gotten their s*** together and communicated their intentions from the beginning

Both of them blindly went into this and now both of them are p***ed off and all because neither of them thought to fully communicate their intentions from the start

The second OP stepped over the threshold into his house as a housemate that relationship had “break up” written all over it.

Pilby replied to iron lady
Sat 11 Feb 12 (03:56pm)

@ Fiona
you only have the word of Irom lady that the boyfriend ever said So you can save money I’m inclined to believe she assumed this and good old bf was waiting for her to pay her share. When it was obvious it wasn’t going to happen the email was employed. Some women have a tendency to hear only what they want to hear in my experience.

Wobbly replied to iron lady
Sat 11 Feb 12 (04:14pm)

OP said her house mate was moving out. BF says she can move in with him and save money. She IS saving money even if she is paying the same rent. Why? Because her housemate was moving out and she would have had to pay ALL the rent in her old place, at least until she found a new housemate. Also for all those who believe everything that this lady says, can we give the BF right of reply… ??

She made the decision to go OS BEFORE she move in with Dudley Doright. Her housemate was leaving to find someplace cheaper, so the rent was EXPENSIVE.

I could go on but sick of this drivel already

RenG replied to iron lady
Sat 11 Feb 12 (11:29pm)

Not often I disagree with Bossy but in this case I’m with iron lady…
From the sounds I don’t think OP has an issue with contributing costs to live there, however her BF talked her into moving in on the basis that she could save money. Clearly if she has to put her stuff in storage AND pay rent she would not be saving anything.
Bossy have you seen the cost for storage?? I pay $280 per month for a bedroom sized storage room. So at the very least if OP is paying rent she should expect to be able to use one of the spare bedrooms for storage of her stuff.
This guy sounds like a tosser. Also the fact that he raises important discussions via email indicates some more serious problems with your relationship.
OP, I would talk to your BF & ask to store your stuff there if you’re going to pay him rent. If he has a problem with that get your own place now, give him the flick & enjoy your holiday as a single woman.

tallicachild replied to iron lady
Sun 12 Feb 12 (11:22am)

I completely agree with this IL! Very well said.
For everyone else in the comments whingeing that she’s asking for a free ride...that could be true if she suggested moving in with him. But she didn’t. It was the other way around. He suggested she moves in to save money, instead of paying rent. I would take that to mean rent free as well.
Of course I would still contribute to expenses such as groceries / utilities. But, being asked to pay rent, when you don’t even technically live there...it seems in essence that she is just crashing there as all her stuff is in storage… is absolutely ludicrous. Especially for when she goes overseas.

Considering the bf didn’t even have the nerve to speak to the OP about it in person says a lot about him and their relationship. Get out now.

jodes replied to iron lady
Sun 12 Feb 12 (11:45am)

Totally agree. The guy suggested the solution to her so she could save money for her trip. Couldn’t manage his own money, so he told her to pay rent, didn’t even have the decency to discuss this in person or admit he had problems. I’d get out of the house and out of the relationship ASAP.

Jonno replied to iron lady
Sun 12 Feb 12 (10:48pm)

I disagree, I might be wrong but from my perspective OP is SAVING money, did most of you see that OP used to have housemates?? Naturally OP would pay for more rent when the housemate moves out, so by cancelling the lease and move in with the boyfriend she is saving money by only paying her share, which is “Same as before (the housemate moves out)”.

Unless the boyfriend expected OP to pay the same amount if OP continued the lease by herself, he has done nothing wrong besides cannot communicate effectively. The OP does sound like she has an above average level of sense of entitlement tho :(

Can you not see that the bf was not upfront with her? Did you not see the part where she said ‘fair enough’ to paying rent but was upset he hadn’t had a discussion with her before he moved in? Would you be happy to pay someone rent but not be allowed to unpack your stuff there? Did you see the bit where the bf said she was limiting his opportunities of finding a housemate, even though she’s sleeping in his bed & he’s never bothered to find a roomy for either of his 2 spare bedrooms in the past?

You guys wouldn’t be saying what you did if the OP was a guy. The issue here is the bf’s lack of clarity. Like the OP said, if he had been honest with her from the beginning, she wouldn’t have moved in because it’s a dodgy deal - paying almost as much rent as before with none of the benefits of a paying lodger, plus having all of her stuff in storage (which also costs money). Maybe if you took the genders out of this problem you’d manage to have a slightly more balanced view.

In fact Bossy, I reckon you didn’t pay much attention to the details of the OP’s letter either. She’s not being nearly as irrational as you imply she’s being. It’s fine to tell her not to expect a free lunch, but you have completely ignored that what grates her cheese is her bf not talking to her about his expectations & making it sound like this stellar deal it isn’t - he waited until she’d moved in, then sent her an email for Pete’s sake! Why couldn’t he talk to her over dinner?

Cherry replied to iron lady
Mon 13 Feb 12 (07:50am)

...and by the way Minstrel, I don’t know what responses you were reading to the guy going on holiday with his stepdad, but an overwhelming majority supported the idea. This included the overwhelming majority of WOMEN. How you can misrepresent this in the way you have suggests you have no interest in clouding your blinkerd worldview with facts. Way to go champ.

Good fruit cake Bossy.

OP are you really that stupid?
Would you like to but some mortgage derivatives… its a great investment…

I agree with Major Malfunction; OP, unless it was clearly stated that you wouldn’t have to pay rent, then you do have to pay rent. Honestly, it doesn’t matter how long you have been together, it it quite rude of you to assume you wouldn’t have to pay your way at all. You’re a big girl now, which I assume means you have a job and money, which means you are perfectly capable of paying for yourself.

As for the amount of rent, that should have been discussed before you moved in so you could make an informed decision.
Talk to your boyfriend if you don’t agree with the amount of rent and see if you can come to some arrangement.
Frankly though, if you’re paying rent of any kind you have every right to unpack your things and have the same rights as any house-mate. He should also quit his bitching about how your apparently impacting on his search for other house-mates. You’re sharing a room with him, so I don’t think you’re really making that much of an impact, unless he wanted to have boys night every night with his non-existent roomies.

Overall, OP, I think you need to talk to your boyfriend, and try to communicate with each other a little better in the future.

Samantha replied to Major Malfunction
Sat 11 Feb 12 (12:02pm)

Dear OP,
You are a grifter. What person doesn’t even offer to pay and expects to be a kept woman?
Maybe he meant you’d save money by not paying double rent after your housemate moved out. Seems he did not say he’d pay for you to live.

Maybe he emailed you b/c he knew you’d react irrationally, and was hoping to avoid your overreaction.

If you are paying the same rent now what’s the difference, you are where you’d otherwise be.

Either way, let this be a life lesson. A man is not a financial plan.

The BIG issue here is you and your BF don’t communicate.
I see both sides here, there is no point in paying the same amount of rent to him, as when you were on your own, especially as he said that this was to save money. However you should be paying your fair share.

I would have this discussion in person, then pack your crap, go on your holiday and dont return to him. if he is to whimpy to actually ask you to pay rent in person, imagine how he would react when tehre is a real problem.

Issue I see is that he probably meant when he said ‘save money’ before your big holiday is, why spend the time, money and effort looking for someone else to move in into your current place and pay the ‘full rent’ by yourself, when you can move in here and not pay the full amount of rent.

He clearly expected her to pay rent - he’d be an idiot not to expect that she’d contribute to the costs of running the house and having access to everything in the house.

BTW she doesn’t say anywhere in the letter that she has to keep everything in boxes - just that she has kept everything in boxes and storage instead of unpacking it all to then repack it all again when she heads o/s.

Forget the house, forget the money… how the hell will the relationship survive day-to-day living if they can’t communicate what I would have though (after being with someone for 2.5 years) would be a routine conversation?!?!

Spot on Sarah! Why should she expect a free ride?

No I dont think OP is being irrational at all. He tricked her. He clearly implied that she wasnt going to be paying rent by saying that she would save some money. He is being an opportunist and capitalising on the situation. He sent her an email and didnt have a courage to talk to her. All of this says to me that he is being sly about all this.

Having said this though, you are probably better off paying him rent and then going overseas rather than having to find a place now, pay for a bond, and pay for all those weeks rent that you are overseas.

I think you should seriously rethink your relationship because I would consider this a dealbreaker.

Where, in your universe or hers, is it ok for an adult not to support themselves?

She clearly wanted to live rent free so she could save all her money for herself. In other words, she wants a subsidised existance. That is unacceptable in a world where women have equality. He hasn’t married her, they are only living together so he’s perfectly within his rights to expect her to pay rent.

What blows me away is that she expected to live rent free! I wouldn’t mind doing that myself. The reality is that adults should support themselves unless an agreement is made. If that discussion hasn’t occurred, then the default system should be everyone for themselves.

I wonder what yours and the other women who are blaming the bloke, reaction would be if it was a guy trying to live rent free in a chick’s house?

Mrs W replied to The River
Fri 10 Feb 12 (12:32pm)

Except he still wants her to pay rent while she’s away, so it’s really not saving anything.

Yes, she doesn’t have to pay for a bond, but you get that back anyway.

mish replied to The River
Fri 10 Feb 12 (01:01pm)

i agree, River. Sly dog. To think that he’s going to charge her rent while she’s overseas - for what? a suitcase? the fken nerve. apart from dumping this guys a ss right on the curve, id introduce my foot to his scrotum a few times on the way out the door…

The River replied to The River
Fri 10 Feb 12 (01:50pm)

No sorry you have no moral or legal argument to stand on here Shane.

He led her to believe she was going to be living in the house rent free and she acted in reliance of this.

If she was expected to pay rent then he should have executed a proper lease arrangement and given her a room AND advised her before she moved in what her weekly rent would be. This would give her the chance to either stay or rent out a new place. But he didn’t. He let her believe it was rent free (which is not completely out of the ordinary given they are dating), and then when she was in there, living out of a suitcase, he made her pay rent.

I’m sorry but my reaction would have been the exact same the genders were reversed.

You cannot lure someone under false pretences and then accuse them of being bludgers. That’s like me inviting someone to dinner and then making them pay for it at the end.

Its sick.

Leonie replied to The River
Fri 10 Feb 12 (11:17pm)

Shane, I think you’re missing the point here. It’s not about equality or any of that old load of crock. It’s about saying one thing and then doing another.

He TOLD her she could save money by staying with him. That’s the very reason she terminated her lease. It’s only for a short while, she’s not taking up any of the spare rooms, presumably paying for her own keep. All she’s doing is staying over, which doesn’t increase his expenses at all. If he wanted her to pay rent, fair enough, but first telling her to quit her apartment and save money by living with him, and then presenting her with a hefty bill afterwards - by email? That’s cowardly and sly alright.

honkytonks replied to The River
Sat 11 Feb 12 (12:00pm)

The OP’s boyfriend should have been clear about the arrangement from the beginning. On the other hand, the OP should have made sure she understood the terms of the arrangement from the beginning. It was a failure and a communication breakdown on both parts. However, I tend to side with the OP because the boyfriend made the offer so that the OP could save money. He said that explicitly, and that was why she believed she could live there rent free.

Since she was living independently before and was going to do so on her return, I see no reason that she would EXPECT for someone to pay her way. For people to laugh at the OP for thinking this is unnecessary. Had the boyfriend said “you can live with me, but you’ll have to pay x amount in rent” that would be an entirely different story.

sickoffcheapboys replied to The River
Sat 11 Feb 12 (05:37pm)

My boyfriend lives in my house rent free and after reading this I’m about to boot him out. He is a lying , cheap jerk and it has taken reading the OP’s problem for me to realise that I am in the same situation but HE has taken advantage of ME. Well not anymore! He has lived with me for FIVE YEARS and not paid one cent of rent. He claims he pays for food (mainly for himself because he eats so much and is overweight and I eat tiny portions).

I actually think most guys are freeloaders - in fact the guy who is living with me is worse because I am single mother and my daughter and I have had to put up with HIM for so long. He has basically taken over our house. Well - not anymore. And then I look at Kevin Federline (Brittany Spear’s ex and he did nothing but sponge off her) - there is a new generation of lazy, deceitful, bludger men coming through so ladies watch out!

Az replied to The River
Sat 11 Feb 12 (05:55pm)

mish, seriously? foot to his scrotum?

he didn’t cheat on her FFS. overreacted much?

I ain’t sayin’ she’s a golddigger, but she don’t hang around no broke ni..... n-word.

I think this must be uop there with women who think that men should pay for dinner while they feign to pay half but judge you the whole time if you let them.

Yeah, this is the ‘If you don’t provide for me, you don’t love me’ card which is still pulled out by many women despite equality and supposedly wearing their big girl pants.

Granted the guy should have discussed rent with you before you moved in, but to assume a free ride because he’d paid his mortgage off is a bit rich.

It makes me laugh that some of the girls on here suggest dumping him because of his failure to communicate even though she was just as bad and has also assumed a free ride.

Yep, because men with boundaries who expect an equal contributing partner and not a mooching child are cold loveless scrooges unsuitable for a relationship.

TakenforGranted replied to Charlie Harper
Fri 10 Feb 12 (10:55am)

Completely agree.

This chick is making out as if he is taking advantage of her. If anything, she is taking advantage of him.

It’s completely disgusting that this woman believes her boyfriend should have to help her fund this overseas trip that he seemingly isn’t even going on.

He should dump this money hungry selfish person.

Pinto replied to Charlie Harper
Fri 10 Feb 12 (12:25pm)

Um..........you do know that is is Australia, and not Alabama, right? Weirdo.

Your boyfriend is a d.bag! I Completely disagree that your perspective is irrational.

He told you to move in and save money for your trip. He didn’t clarify you would be paying rent. Any reasonable person would assume that if these were the terms you would have your own room to put all your stuff and that any bills or contributions would be agreed upfront.

But he didn’t, so you thought your awesome partner of 2 years was a total sweet heart doing you a favour and taking a huge step forward in your relationship.

Who the hell asks for rent every 6weeks anyway. It’s weekly, f/nightly or monthly. Which loving partner does it by email when a conversation hasn’t even been had.

Do as bossy says, if you’re staying until April anyway… move into your own room in the house. Pay rent. Then move out before you leave and make sure you have a back up plan for when you get back.

I would feel used and angry as well. I would re-consider the relationship. That’s not how you treat people you love. I wouldn’t even do that to a friend, let alone a partner. D.bag.

@KM any reasonable person would assume they were paying their own way…

PJ replied to KM
Fri 10 Feb 12 (09:47am)

Waht loving partner moves into a BF’s house and contributes nothing financially? Oh, the OP and KM. Here’s a spade, shovel and pick. Plus, some dynamite. Good prospecting.

Charlie Harper replied to KM
Fri 10 Feb 12 (10:53am)

So I suppose he has to tell her to use the toilet and not the kitchen sink to go to the bathroom. What about leaving the dirty dishes in the microwave.

I mean if we have to spell everything out.....

Leonie replied to KM
Fri 10 Feb 12 (05:59pm)

KM, any reasonable person would assume they would pay their way unless it is explicitly stated that they don’t have to, regardless of whether they’re moving in with a boyfriend/girlfriend, friends, random strangers, or back in with their parents.
As for the promise that she could save money for her trip, “save money” could have just meant she wouldn’t be paying as much as she would with her own place, not that she wouldn’t have to pay anything at all.

You were too hard on her, Bossy—he is a sly dog who has tricked her into a tough spot.

Not. Cool.

Cherry replied to KM
Mon 13 Feb 12 (08:04am)

Far out the guys are being pricks today.

Sem, PJ, Charlie - would you offer for your gf to move in and not sort out the financial stuff beforehand? While I don’t think the OP should expect to live rent-free, her bf was completely unclear about his expectations. In case you still don’t get it, he wants rent from her to share his bedroom while also paying to have her stuff in storage. And you think the OP has no reason at all to be a little miffed?

The bf suggested it. The OP should have asked a few more probing questions before accepting, but that doesn’t absolve the bf from contributing to this unpleasant situation by telling her she would save money by living with him, cramping her into a suitcase, and then asking her to contribute as though she has an equal share of the house to him.

The fact of paying rent is NOT the issue. It’s the sneakiness of the way it was asked for. It is not cool to ask your partner to live with you temporarily as a money-saving measure, not talk about money, and then send an email instead of talking face-to-face. Are you rational enough to see the distinction?

It sounds like there’s been a giant miscommunication.

Girlfriend or not, you should have expected you would pay rent. If you were married or living together, you would expect that you would pay rent/mortgage and expenses. I’m not sure why you didn’t ask “What kind of rent/expenses will I be paying?” Christ, I contribute money to groceries etc when I’m staying with my parents!

You should have asked. He should have communicated. Not much you can do about that now. When we have to work and pay bills, there are no shortcuts to saving for OS. I’m saving right now - and like any normal person, I sit down, analyse what I’m spending, and trim the fat off things like the food/entertainment/frivolous purchases amounts.

Bossy’s advice is sound. When you get back, have the rent and expenses cash ready to give him when you ask can you stay. Otherwise, if the situation is too messed up, chalk it up to experience and remember nothing in life is free.

A reasonable and rational response. I think the OP iwll ignore this one.

Fiona replied to Elphaba
Fri 10 Feb 12 (10:13am)

Not necessarily. I was in a long term relationship, me living in London, he lived 3 hours away.

He came to look for a job in London and stayed with me a few nights a week. Then ampted it up and asked to stay for a good few weeks while he was looking. It ended up being 6 weeks.

He tried to give me money for the rent I said no way, no point as I’m already paying it. I let him chip in for utilities, council tax and food.

He didn’t get “a free ride”, I was paying the same amount if he was there or not and that’s what you do sometimes, you know, for people you love.

Elphaba replied to Elphaba
Fri 10 Feb 12 (01:22pm)

The issue Fiona, is whether she should or shouldn’t pay rent, but the assumption that she thought she didn’t have to. I can’t understand why she didn’t ask. Or offer. Your boyfriend offered and you said no. It’s great that you can afford to say no. But the fact that she assumed that she wouldn’t need to pay anything, and the fact that he didn’t let her know that she would be expected to chip in, is what doesn’t make any sense.

What else do they not talk about?

BeenThere DoneThat replied to Elphaba
Fri 10 Feb 12 (05:38pm)

Fiona,

I notice the brigade of men spouting the “you women want to be equal but want us to pay for everything” line have been strangely silent in response to your comment about doing things for the people you love.

Loving it replied to Elphaba
Fri 10 Feb 12 (06:06pm)

I agree with you Fiona. I would let him stay for a long while in a house I was paying for anyway. I would not see that as a ‘gold digging’ situation, more that I am helping out a person I love to have great holiday. I am a girl and I would do this for a guy I loved anytime. No problem at all.

Curlylocks replied to Elphaba
Fri 10 Feb 12 (10:21pm)

+1 Elphaba

Who in their right mind would cancel their lease and move in with their boyfriend without discussing finances? Why would you assume it would be completely for free?! Even if it wasn’t rent, I’d expect to pay my share of bills and food while I was staying there for 2-3 months. He’s also an idiot though for not spelling it out before you moved in.

Right now I don’t think you have much choice but to pay him rent as you’re going overseas in only a couple of months time - not really worth looking for a new place/paying deposit etc - but I’d get your stuff out of storage and keep it in one of the spare rooms until you leave for yout trip (then put it back in storage). While he isn’t using the rooms and you are paying rent, I don’t think it;s unreasonable to have your stuff there until you go away.

LMNOP replied to Elphaba
Sat 11 Feb 12 (08:18am)

Great response, Elphaba. I agree.

Fiona, in the OP’s version of events, there’s no context for what led to the BF asking rent from her after 6 weeks. We are left to assume that she was contributing to food, utilities etc. But I think OP would have said this if it was occurring, especially given that she’s carefully selected all other information to show herself as the victim in this scenario.

So going just on the decontextualised version above, OP, you seem to be wanting a complete free-ride. If it’s the case that the BF just got tired of paying for everything then you are being a little ‘irrational’ and more than a little self-interested. As others have said, perhaps he was even waiting for you to offer to contribute a fair amount, like any fair-minded person would.

On the other hand, the BF may have found out more about you from living together and is trying to passively let you know that he’s unsure about the relationship.

Communicate, negotiate and pay-up what you both decide is fair.

I think that it is reasonable that you contribute something while living there, but paying a full share of the rent when you don’t even have your own space or things out is a bit ridiculous.

So you can:

1) Offer him what you think is reasonable given that you’re not taking up much living space

2) Pay rent, but stop paying for storage for your stuff and put it in one of the spare bedrooms you should be entitled to because you are paying rent.

But defintely do not pay rent while you are away, do what bossy says and keep your stuff in storage while on holidays.

Women and their feelings. It doesn’t matter how rational and reasonable your boyfriend is about expecting you to pay your fair share of rent, because you feel like he surprised you with this information, he’s clearly in the wrong until he says how sorry he is.

That’s pretty much what your post sounds like.

Look - you two are suffering from miscommunication here, not some evil plot to take your cash. Where you got the idea that you could welch off him I don’t know, but clearly you expected him to pick up the bill as if he’d invited you out to a fancy restaurant on a date or something. Clearly your boyfriend had opposite expectations.

You need to chill out and see it from his perspective. He thought he was taking your relationship to the next level, providing you with a place to live with someone you know, and at the same level of rent you were paying. Then you don’t pay rent, and he thinks “How do I talk about this?” - so he sends an email. Its clean, its in black and white, he doesn’t have to speak to you and completely mess up the conversation with his inability to communicate through speech his wants.

You then blow up at him for being insensitive. Its like the ultimate female argument to win the battle. Its sneaky, and acts to misdirect responsibility for the core issue onto your boyfriend, rather than you accepting the responsibility for your actions. Badly done OP.

You’re in the wrong here. You took offense because he expected you to act like an adult. Its time to stop the tantrum, apologise, and either pay your rent or find your own place.

I have to disagree with you Sarah. He told her to move in so she could save money.
Yes she should have expected to contribute and she should have clarified that, but she had been prepared to stay where she was and get a new housemate. He suggetsed the move as a way for her to save money

Sarah replied to SarahR
Fri 10 Feb 12 (09:44am)

Actually I can very much relate to this.

My ex had to move out of his place and I let him stay with me. Had it worked well, I probably would have suggested we get our own place together.

But the weeks went by and he never offered to pay rent or give me money to cover bills. He wasnt even paying half for groceries.

And yes, I did wonder how to bring up this issue without sounding greedy or causing a fight. Asking for money from a partner (when you really hoped they would be decent enough to offer) isnt an easy thing to do.

Sarah replied to SarahR
Fri 10 Feb 12 (12:40pm)

Puh-lease Sarah, stop being a downright b tch

Why tell her to save some money and then ask for the same amount of rent? like really

mish replied to SarahR
Fri 10 Feb 12 (01:03pm)

oh what a lod of cods. clearly you have written above to stir it up. buzz off.

Pinball replied to SarahR
Fri 10 Feb 12 (09:47pm)

So her old housemate moved out, probably leaving this chick to pay double the rent she was paying. Her boyfriend suggests she moves in with him, to save money, as she won’t have to pay the double rent, and she assumes that he will pay for everything. Classic miscommunication, and to be honest the relationship seems like a bit of a dud. If after 2.5 years you’re wanting to go travelling around on your own. I would imagine around 2.5 years most couples start think about stepping it up to the next level, rather than going off travelling on their own.

Taggy replied to SarahR
Fri 10 Feb 12 (10:39pm)

Why does everyone seem to miss this statement??
“if I knew I would be paying rent to pretty much the same amount as I was before”

Why tell her to save some money and then ask for the same amount of rent?

Perhaps he was going on the logical assumption that she would now be stuck covering the ex-housemate’s share of the lease as well. Heck, the OP may have even mentioned this specifically.

If that was the case, she would have been paying double had she stayed, so moving would indeed be saving a lot of money.

Well you’re a bit silly for accepting without even asking. Not to mention I can’t believe you wouldn’t even offer to at least pay some of it. Even to my own husband I’d put petrol in the his if I used it (we have seperate accounts)

But I understand, I would be very upset too.

My suggestion would be to give him 1/2 the rent which is fair there’s two of you, you split it down the middle and move out BEFORE you head overseas so you don’t pay rent while you’re away, make sure you give him plenty of notice to find a new house mate (not that he will). If he isnt’ happy with that move out now and dump him. Plenty of people looking for house mates and girlfriends. EASY!

Bossy you have been way to harsh on this one. I think the OP has learnt a valuable lesson about making sure everything is very, very clear around anything to do with money and relationships.

OP I don’t think it is unreasonable for your BF to ask you to contribute, but he did it in a very cowardly way and he also should have clarified before you moved in. It is also ridiculous to propose that you are inhibiting him from getting flatmates by simply sleeping on the other side of his bed, and living out of a suitcase.

You’re probably right that he decided to ask you to pay rent when he found himself in financial trouble, but he won’t thank you for asking him to admit it, who would?
You only have 2 months to go until your holiday, Bossy has a point about your BF not being your dad - if you really want to save money, can you move in with family or a friend? That may help both you and your BF to clarify the situation....

Insight is a curse She-Ra Princess of Power. And dumb people tend to be pretty.

Bob Rhino replied to She-Raz
Fri 10 Feb 12 (10:39am)

Your question is really more,

“Why is it stupid people manage to have relationships - when a smart person such as I can’t?”

The answer is that smart people see every possibility, good and bad, and also having learnt from painful experience are cagey, self-protective, distrustful and want everything spelt out virtually contractually with no ambiguity.

OP and her boyfriend are stupid, self-entitled and mutually manipulative but being dopey will optimistically blunder in and out of relationships for their whole lives.

Also even before their cohabitational relationship has commenced they are at loggerheads about finances and are communicating by email at 50 paces.

She should walk away - their relationship has absolutely no chance, they can’t communicate or calculate consequences and they will always be arguing about money (which is pathetic) so it will eventually end acrimoniously.

But really smart people wind up dying alone because they don’t expose themselves to risk and their intelligence emotionally paralyses them.

She-Raz replied to She-Raz
Fri 10 Feb 12 (01:22pm)

SSR - Well true. I prefer to imagine both of these posters looking like obese swamp things with extraordinarily bad hair, false teeth and who enjoy reading the Telegraph for edumacation. And listening to Justin Bieber.

Bob - I always thought I should try to be dumber. You would think being blonde would help, but nope, I still see stupid people.

Jon replied to She-Raz
Fri 10 Feb 12 (02:01pm)

Wow, Bob Rhino, that was a very interesting perspective. I think you’re right to a large extent.

arcenist replied to She-Raz
Fri 10 Feb 12 (06:34pm)

@bob rhino,
too true..... too true indeed.

Wow.... Just Wow! Great relationship you’ve got going there. You two are clearly not meant for each other if you’re having this much trouble living together for a few months after 2 and a half years! You sound very young and very self-entitled. You should have offered to pay him rent in the first place, if he’s already having money troubles, how is he expected to pay for your living expenses as well?

Some advice I’d give is when on your holiday, spend a little while really considering your relationship and the future it holds, reading between the lines you two are either VERY independent, or just not that into each other.

It’s possible that your boyfriend has been speaking to someone who warned him of the legal ‘risks’ associated with having you move in.

If you are paying a commercially viable amount of rent, then you become a tenant in the eyes of the law and your situation is less likely to be viewed by the courts as cohabitation. Therefore, you are less likely to be successful if you tried to claim part of your boyfriend’s assets by virtue of having lived with him for ‘X’ long.

Ultimately, you have nothing and he has assets which he is entitled to protect and/or use in any way he sees fit. That is fact. Having said that, I think that the way he has gone about this is shabby in the extreme. He led you to believe one thing and then went ahead and did something different without giving you the basic respect of discussing it with you or being up front about his intentions. And as for his introducing the topic by email....wow...classy.

Of course, Bossy is right in that there’s no such thing as a free lunch, and perhaps you were being a bit naive; but your boyfriend is either (pick as many as you like) manipulative, stupid, passive-aggressive or a downright coward.

Either way I’d be taking Bossy’s advice about reconsidering your choice of boyfriends, but I wouldn’t be waiting until I came back from OS.

Dragn is spot on. Your boyfriend has found out the legal ramifications of living with someone and is protecting himself by making you a tenant.

This doesn’t bode well for your future as a couple after 2.5 years together. Leave now. Leave for good.

PJ replied to Dragon
Fri 10 Feb 12 (09:57am)

Pay rent and forgo the defacto rights to his house and superannuation to which OP has contributed nothing? HAHA!

Russell Brand did not take half of Katy Perry’s stuff.
The one legged ex hairy muff porn picture takerer took Sir Paul McCartney to the cleaners in exchange for her love.
Guy ritchie took Madonna for 8 figures. But Madonna took his ability to make decent movies.

2-2.

Sensible replied to Dragon
Fri 10 Feb 12 (10:29am)

This is likely what happened. Someone clued him in that he now had a potentially very expensive liability living with him. He had a house. If she didn’t pay rent, soon she’d have had half a house, for nothing. Ergo, make her pay rent, save your house.

Judging by the majority of responces here it sounds like most people don’t know that.

As it is quite hard to say “I don’t trust you not to take half of my house” to your partner the easier option is merely to say, “hey, you need to pay rent, sorry.”

Robbity replied to Dragon
Fri 10 Feb 12 (11:48am)

I’m with Dragon...and bossy.

OP your bf sounds like a complete tool, I wouldnt hang around to find out how much worse he can be....

Your stuff is already in storage: go stay elsewhere til your holiday and tell him you need ‘thinking space’. Got any friends or family that will let you crash for a month or so til you go?? I’d rather pay some board to a mate than pay half my dishonest bf’s rent!

And remember for future reference, communication isnt just a long word, it should be a way of life. Couples, especially, need to do this as much and as often as they can. Clearly bf the douche fails at this - and is a self serving prat to think he can demand full rent off you for sharing his bed.

Who knows, you might meet a lovely man while travelling - or at least have a helluva time learning what delights foreign men can offer - if you go away ‘single’....

Sheesh, my partner and I had talked at length about money and houses and all that within the first few months of our relationship - long before we even started to think about moving intogether! We’re on the same page: OP, go find a man who’s on the same page as you, too. Good luck

Harry high pants replied to Dragon
Fri 10 Feb 12 (12:55pm)

The reason he is asking rent is exactly that, if he doesn’t ask for rent then she will probably take him to the cleaners after living there for several months. Poor guy doesn’t ask for rent, has a fight after 6 mths and she takes the house, sad but happens all the time to men, one day men will have rights !

disgruntled replied to Dragon
Sun 12 Feb 12 (12:29pm)

tmk paying rent does not absolve you of defacto rights
actually it makes it easier for you to claim....
the op is a free rider imo
but the b/f is a dick for not stating clearly his intentions
buy him flowers,,,,,give him a snuggle...put the rest of your crap in storage....
go on your holiday then consider your options

I weep for society today!

I’m afraid I disagree with your perspective Bossy. I think it was perfectly acceptable for the Letter Writer to assume that her lover (I shall not refer to him as a swain) did not intend for her to pay rent.

His telling the Letter Writer that by living with him, she could save some money suggests to me that the Letter Writer would either live there for free, or pay a significantly smaller amount of rent than what she had been paying before.

There is also the fact that the Letter Writer is “keeping his bed warm at night”. Perhaps she is also cooking and cleaning for him? On this basis, it is extremely unfair of him to be demanding rent from her. In fact, he is onto a very good thing! A live-in mistress who is also giving him money!

I think the Letter Writer has two choices. One, move out, and find somewhere cheaper to live. Or two, stay living with this man, but only as a tenant, rather than a lover. She should demand her own bedroom, and space for her things. Personally, I would take the former option and leave this man.

oh be quiet u crazy old hag. why do u assume that she is ‘cooking and cleaning for him?’
why dont u make the assumption that HE is cooking and cleaning for HER???
and honestly what is ‘keeping his bed warm at night’??? wtf does that mean? that’s practically saying because she is having sex with him that he should be paying her for it. u r disgusting.
and for the record i agree that he is being cheap. she shouldnt get a free ride but she should pay something, not full price though. but im just so sick of the damn men hating women who post on here who constantly assume the women are the victims and the men are all evil. it sickens me. ur just as bad as the men trolls u hate on.

Cat Lady replied to Ethel Sidebottom
Fri 10 Feb 12 (09:38am)

I shall not refer to him as a swain

Oh Ethel, in future, please do…

Al replied to Ethel Sidebottom
Fri 10 Feb 12 (11:23am)

So what are you saying? That once two cohabiting people become lovers the female no longer has to pay her way? Puhleeease! Pull your attitudes into the 21st century.

Possum replied to Ethel Sidebottom
Fri 10 Feb 12 (11:44am)

I thoroughly agree with Ms Sidebottom!

So many men today feel that they are entitled to have their meals cooked, their house cleaned, their needs met, yet can still demand ‘equal’ shares in household expenses. She doesn’t even have her own bed, for god sake!

She is not a bludger at all - her boyfriend is taking full advantage of her. I would rather move out to a backpackers or a lodging house than share a bed with a man who was willing to charge me rent for a room I don’t have and to charge me when I am not even in the country and have nothing there!

Take it as a warning - get out now. If he is like this now, imagine how much worse he would be if you were living together, or married, or having a child together.

Scott replied to Ethel Sidebottom
Fri 10 Feb 12 (12:49pm)

What a joke, she’s an adult, she would be expected to pay her way, not just bludge off this man for the sake of her “holiday” while he slaves away to pay for it. she is saving money by not having to pay the extra rent from her flatmate moving out. stop enableing this bludger.

mish replied to Ethel Sidebottom
Fri 10 Feb 12 (01:05pm)

hear hear

arcenist replied to Ethel Sidebottom
Fri 10 Feb 12 (06:47pm)

ive lived alone for a year now. i cook my own meals, i clean my own clothes and i clean the apartment when the flat mates (dont argue, you know what i mean by alone) make the place filthy.

So many men today feel that they are entitled to have their meals cooked, their house cleaned, their needs met

^^ this is retarded.

jason replied to Ethel Sidebottom
Sun 12 Feb 12 (11:13am)

YOUR KIDDING.. LIKE AS IF HE ISNT “KEEPING HER BED WARM AT NIGHT”

SEX ISNT ONE WAY, YOUR JUST EMBARASSING YOURSELF GO BACK TO HISTORY WHERE YOU CAME FROM

You tight arse scabby bludger!

You’re an adult, and adults have to pay their own way. I don’t think he should have had to ask you to pay rent at all.

After reading the title I assumed I would have the same opinion but in the end no way.
The major point is that he wants her to keep paying rent when she’s overseas, that’s absolutely ludicrous.
It’s not like she’s on a formal lease, he’s just being a prick.
Move out OP...I’d make it permanent.

The River replied to Shane
Fri 10 Feb 12 (09:05am)

What the hell are you talking about?

He said she would be better off moving in with him. He offered. Why would he do that. If she is a bludger then he is a lying shitty boyfriend.

Had he said “you will be paying me rent” - she would have rented from somewhere else. But perhaps he knew that, and wanted her to move in and pay the income to him. Its totally sly!

jj replied to Shane
Fri 10 Feb 12 (11:20am)

i can so see you asking your gf/bf to pay for the condoms you just used.

read the story again.

rob replied to Shane
Fri 10 Feb 12 (01:20pm)

wtf? Where on earth did she say she didn’t want to pay him any rent?

“and said that I needed to pay him rent – fair enough- “

Her issue is his pitch involved her saving money. After she cancels her lease he slugs for for the same as she was paying, after 6 weeks and via email no less. Then he also wants to slug her for rent while she is overseas, which she wouldn’t have been paying if she hadn’t followed his suggestion and moved in with him. Then he lays it on her that he cant get a housemate because of her. That is a wtf moment on its own, there are 2 vacant rooms in the house.

This is going to end up costing her a lot more than her doing it her own way, when his pitch was for her to save money.

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