Enjoy a biweekly test of verbal tomfoolery. WWW fame is at stake!
Confused? Read all about Word Games in this brief introduction. Brought to you by Emily Cox
and Henry Rathvon, the creators of The Atlantic Puzzler.

T-Totaling

This contest is now closed. But enjoy! (Click
here to go directly to the winning entries.)

Question: Might CoxRathvon get tempted to taste
intoxicating concoctions? Might they get tight? Retort: Negative! Not within
ten thousand centuries! They don't touch the stuff. Inebriated? Not this
virtuous twosome!

The 30 words above may or may not reflect the absolute truth about your dear
word-game hosts. We ask you to note, however, that every word in our message
contains at least one "T." And by our count, we have a sum of 35 "T"s. This
is significant, as we are playing a tee-totaling game.

To play along, write us a message (blurb, epigram, story, poem, what-have-you)
of 30 words or fewer, on the topic of alcohol's evils. Every word in your
message must contain at least one "T" -- and the more "T"s, the better! Please
count up your "T"s and include the total for us along with your entry.

Now, we will not judge entries solely on the basis of their "T" totals.
Maximizing your "T" count is good, but we will also judge for clarity,
eloquence, humor, narrative originality, plot and character development, and
other literary virtues. A winning entry, in short, is likely to have both a
high "T" count and a distinctive tone.

We have some special prizes for you this time, too. To encourage sobriety, we
will award each of our three favorite tee-totalers a Mr. Coffee 12 Cup Automatic Drip Coffeemaker.
(We consider caffeine an unequivocal good, you see.)

Mail your entry to puzzles@theatlantic.com.
Multiple entries are okay, but for our convenience put your entries into one
piece of e-mail whenever possible (and please don't use attached files).
"T Totaling" will remain open through Friday, February 14. Winners and full
results will be posted on Friday, February 21.

The Atlantic throws the party,
Tipplers not invited.
With witty repartee,
The host's most delighted.

So wrote paypete1st@worldnet.att.net, who expressed that lovely thought in 15
words using the letter T a sum of 17 times. The object of our mad T party, of
course, was to express a teetotaling outlook while amassing as many Ts as
gracefully possible. This led to lots of titillating, tittering, and tottering
from people named Timothy, Tuttle, and Tettleton. We had to say "tut-tut" to
those who resorted to stuttering to run up the T total, as by having someone
say "Th-th-th-th-th-that's right!" Although an ambitious entry from
guvnuh@earthlink.net (see below) did include a bit of stuttering, it was still
the runaway leader for legitimately amassed Ts, with a total of 82 (with the
stutter, 86). Three other contestants managed a total of 60.

But before we get to those entries, let us cite two dissenting contestants who
felt that alcohol's effects should be trumpeted rather than trashed. As you'll
see, the one from denicho@ibm.net is as archly ironic as Antony's elegy for
Caesar, as it purports to censure booze but ends up saluting it! The two
dissenters:

In choosing three list-toppers from among the many terrific entries, we tended
to favor ones with relatively high T totals; and among these we were ultimately
most tickled and touched by the output of guvnuh@earthlink.net,
djwixted@facstaff.wisc.edu, and tcarr@ed.atl.sita.int. Our stentorian,
thundering ovation for these sterling champs! Other top favorites are listed in
T-total order.

Constructive criticism? Toss that nasty bottle, get status without it!
Totalitarian states tolerate besottedness, but not these United States.
Eliminate spiritual impotence, don't pitch tantrums, listen to the
tee-totalers!
(43) (hoglund@whitman.edu)

What the besotted students that got stewed at the watering spots told others:
Twenty-two tawdry topers diverted their attention to take their wallets. What
tripe! They're totally untrustworthy, unrepentant guttersnipes.
(42) (davids@therock.mcg.edu)

The tyrant tankard turns theologians to stuttering, tormented tatterdemalions:
Today they tipple, tomorrow the tomb. To think that thirst took them to
that--this toper's tempted to try tea!
(40) (agnes@interpath.com)

Tut, tut! Tommy the Hottentot toper totted the tab. Two tens! Tammy took two
twenties, left the tavern, turned to stomp to town, hit the truck, tumbled into
the water. Ta, ta!
(40) (bruhlen@grasshopper.grasshoppernet.com)

Tea, tisane, hot chocolate,
Just taste these titillating treats!
Cut the temptation, stamp out
The Comfort, the Southern, the 'Rita
Then transform to total tee,
The tower that doesn't teeter!
(39) (dweinst@onewave.com)

Sobriety test--Utter this sentence: "Twas the thistle that wetted the whistle,
the epistle that whetted the mistletoe." (The sisters twisted the translation,
whilst the priests intoned "Pater Noster.")
(39) (paypete1st@worldnet.att.net)

Tim tasted the tantalizing mist, breathing its tempting droplets through
betraying nostrils, thrilling at the imminent mutiny that the tongue tingled
into the spirit, anticipating still the trembling, tattered tomorrows.
(37) (Timothy_J_Gaul_at_~PGRLVD3P@ccmail.bms.com)

"TASTE THE GUSTO"
Attended the little party.
Acted slightly nuts.
Twittered idiotically.
Vomited out the guts.
Tottered toppling comatose--
Out went the light.
Top kept throbbing
Till the next night.
(37) (smbush@dcaccess.com)

Prevalent intoxication transforms the nation into blithering idiots. Try
tasting tangerines, fruity concoctions without the intoxicant, instead. They
bestow vitality without the deprivation to the intellect. Longevity to the
fruit!
(36) (ttaylor@elite.net)

Trying to tipple without toppling, that's the trick! Truly, 'tis better to
withstand the temptation to tope than to trip teeteringly through the tulips at
nightfall, insensate.
(34) (KayBTucker@aol.com)

They partook the sacramental distillate,
Felt the spirits hot,
Then genuflected at their deity Tequila's
Great white altar pot.
They thought to testify the ecstasy that brought,
But they forgot.
(34) (smbush@dcaccess.com)

To tell the truth, today might fit this description: the last chapter.
Therefore, isn't it fitting to celebrate it with sobriety, with the
understanding that water inebriates not?
(31) (KayBTucker@aol.com)

Tottering teens think Tequila's terrific til the tempest they've taken turns
tail to their tender tummies tossing their total take through their throats to
the turf.
(31) (FatherAl@concentric.net)

The coveted national title at stake, the terrified trombonist tentatively took
center stage. The tune: "Misty." Lotta (arrantly tipsy) belted "The Alphabet
Theme" instead.
(29) (brudis@goshen.net)