A lapdancing witch? Yep, it sounds like Ashley's met his match...

It's always hard when your ex moves on, but since Ashley Cole apparently spent quite a lot of time moving on while he was still married, we hope Cheryl's had her fill of feeling jealous and angry and can now instead just have a good old giggle about this latest development.

It was pretty predictable to read yesterday that Ashley has started dating a former lapdancer, but we can now reveal that the pole-humping young lady in question, Sarah Purnell, also fancies herself as a white witch.

Yeah, so we all went through that angsty teenaged phase of trying to cast love spells using some White Musk candles from the Body Shop and a bit of dandruff scraped off our year nine crush's school blazer, but most of us gave up roughly, ooh, ten minutes later. Sarah, however, still swears by all things bullshit mystical - earlier this year she even spoke to a magazine about her spooky hobby.

"I’m part white witch – fond of potions and making my mates’ dreams come true," she revealed, and we're not going to take the piss too much in case she turns us into a toad. "I’d always been interested in magic and spells. Growing up, I was enthralled by the good witches in fairytales and, when older, I bought spell books, learned chants. I wanted to be a helpful witch. Getting revenge wasn’t my bag. And, over the years, I assisted friends in finding love. It took a while to get the mix of bluebells, shells or mustard seeds right. I needed a pinch of something personal, too. I liked hair rather than nail clippings."

Hmm. Still, if this means that Sarah can punish Ashley for his ratlike ways on behalf of Cheryl and the entire nation by shoving mustard seeds down his pants, adding a drizzle of burning hot candlewax and then plucking out his pubes one by one, all in the name of good old-fashioned magic, then we whole-heartedly approve of this love affair.