Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Vampire Bites: The Thompsons (2012)

Oh joy, they made a Sequel. Today's Film is The Thompsons, the delayed Sequel to The Hamiltons. Remember that one? I barely did. This one has sat in my Netflix Queue for about 6 months to a year. I would keep moving it down and then I just stopped. One day, I was told that I was getting this and went 'Oh, alright. Here's what you need to know: Vampire Family. The first Film spends the whole Runtime teasing this and being vague. This time around, it jumps head-first into Vampire lore and attempts to legitimize itself. The result: it is better, but still not that good. I will get into the big issues in the Review itself. I've got plenty- trust me. Basically, the Family is on the run and now in England...for some reason. To see how this tries to ruin Agents of SHIELD for me, read on...

Normally, I'd make something this recent into a Quick Review and not SPOIL it, but...

This Film SPOILS itself right off the bat with a Flash Forward and a shed-load of pretentious Narration from our Lead.

His Car breaks down in a very specific location (more on that later) and he ends up at a Bar. The young lady working there- Elizabeth Henstridge. Sigh.

Meanwhile, two cliches kill a pair indulging in a Cliche. They'd be Poor Bastards of Cinema...if I cared about this one bit.

The Bartenders turn out to be the Vampire Family that he's looking for. You see, the 'Hamiltons' are on the run...

They end up in the middle of a random Diner being robbed and the youngest is shot.

To answer your questions, they are Vampires, but aren't affected by sunlight, crosses or holy water. They don't transform, they do have fangs and they can be killed...but also drinking blood heals them.

In a strange bit, our Hero dreams of romancing Henstridge before she bites him. When he wakes up, she explains that she was born not a Vampire...which I guess happens.

Here's the strange part: if this is Henstridge (save for her Boob Double), I can barely tell. It confused me because it didn't look like anyone in the Film...but then he said that it was her. Just me?

Before he learns that the new Vampires want to kill him, he calls his family to come there.

As a bonus, here's this random lady who appears in this Scene, has no lines and doesn't get killed. Why was she here?

The bad guys plan to kill all of the 'good' Vampires and use the Sister to create the next generation. Why?

Well, apparently breeding solely among Vampires gives them super-strength and speed. Of course!

They try to use her as an unwilling surrogate, but all of our 'heroes' manage to violently kill the bad guys. Hurray? The End.

It sucks. Vampire Puns! Unfortunately, these are more interesting than the Film itself. It begins with pretentious Narration and a flash forward. That is followed by a very lazy exposition dump, since this Film came 6 years after the last Film and, well, who exactly remembers said Film anyhow? The Film is in love with lazy exposition and the like. The climax involves an especially-lazy bit where they explain the backstory on the Mother (who was dead in the last Film), the Vampire Clan and why any of this is happening. It resolves with lots of one-sided fights with a Vampire Mary Sue and then anti-climactic, sudden deaths. What a great combo! The Thompsons wants to be a deep and serious Vampire Film. It involves a French Pimp, so you be the judge if that worked or not. It gets few points for being shot nicely enough, but loses most of them for the so-so Story and pretentious nature of it all. One bonus point for being very, oddly-specific about its location though...

Next time, the next Anniversary post. If nothing else, it promises to be cheap. Stay tuned...