Miles separate Maine and Florida

Sunday

Jun 30, 2013 at 6:00 AM

Sid McKeen Wry & Ginger

A reader (full disclosure: my son Jeff) suggests that since my wife and I have been alternating between Maine and Florida for a decade now, maybe it’s time I discussed the differences between them. So here goes.

Starting at the top, the two states have very different animals serving as governor. Florida’s is long and skinny and spews platitudes. Maine’s is short and fat and spews venom.

On Election Day, Florida has never learned how to count the votes, and Maine’s votes never count for much even after they’re counted.

In Florida, every 10th person you meet is a doctor of some kind, and half of them are dermatologists. In Maine, every 10th person you meet doesn’t care what kind of job he has as long as he gets a week off to go hunting.

In Maine, almost every town has a grange hall. In Florida, almost every street corner has a bank.

When drivers with Maine license plates spot each other in Florida, there’s a big reunion. “What part of Maine?“ one asks the other, and each knows somebody in the other’s town. When Floridians meet in Maine, they may not even know it because their state has 120 different license-plate designs.

Boats in Florida look like they never left the showroom floor. Boats in Maine look like they got wrecked and never left the ocean floor.

In Florida, you pay a few cents less for most of your grocery purchases but thousands of dollars more for a house. It could even out in time, I suppose, since most of us buy food two or three times a week but change homes maybe two or three times in our lives.

In Florida, with its long straight highways, a driver can see what’s ahead for two miles at a time and can hit 90 miles an hour. In Maine, with its twisty, hilly turns and foggy roads, you’re lucky if you see 50 feet ahead and don’t hit a moose.

Mainers ask Floridians, “How close do you live to Orlando?” Floridians ask Mainers, “How close do you live to Bar Harbor?”

Florida always has a lot of boarded-up houses. Maine always has a lot of boarded-up stores.

Good luck trying to find a handicapped parking spot in Florida. Everybody seems to have a disability placard. They’re even more prolific than dump stickers are in Maine.

Florida restaurants frequently brag about having fresh Maine lobster on their menus. I’ve never known a Maine restaurant to tout its fresh Florida crawfish.

In Florida, gated communities are everywhere. The only gates you’re likely to find in Maine are at Scarborough Downs.

Maine folks put shutters on their homes for the looks. Floridians put them up to keep out hurricanes.

Oh yes, one other thing. There’s the weather. That’s different, too. When I tell people we spend half the year in Maine and half in Florida, I ask them to guess which half is which. Funny, I don’t remember anybody ever getting it wrong.