Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Sometimes a person has extremely bat taste, and it's hard to like that person. It's hard to give that person any of your time, and give them the care that a human being expects to get from another human being. Sometimes that person has such bad taste that you need some gum or candy. That person also has bad taste in Webcomics.

That person also likes Nickyitis, which is a proud comic that announces with great pride that it is a disease.

What happens on Nickyitis? Who is the main character? These are both questions (take a look at the question marks. Those help to identify questions). Nickyitis is a webcomic. Nicky is the main character. These are statements.

Who is Nicky? Nicky is, I suspect, just another person with bad taste. You need to look no further than his bad hair style that he has for his hair. A very extreme version of the "comb over," he has one big black zig zag hair that grows out of the back of his head and is "combed over" the top and front of his head. Does no one realize that this man is bald? I have little patience for baldness myself. I was bald for a time, but as you can see in this picture of me, I have grown my hair out and stopped being bald:

Just look at a few examples of this bad comic, and you'll see what I mean. Right here is an image of two or three cave people who have some very serious problems. Is this a good comic? I sure don't find it good. I just find it a poor version of what might be a good comic. Sometimes no idea at all is better than a bad idea. This has been proven, so I don't have to waste my time proving it.

This comic is about the big fight. Now I am all about violence in comics, as I think that it is an "ingredient" that can tell a larger story, but have you seen this kind of violence before? It is never explained why the characters turn into just heads when they fight. I have always prided myself on having an entire body, even when I am having a sailor fight. This is not a slam against amputees of course.

Amputees, for the most part, cannot help that they are in the condition they are in. They should not be the butt of jokes, and it is somewhat cruel to portray amputation as a natural consequence of getting into a fight.

Speaking of jaws, do you think I would look good if I grew a beard? Here is a picture of what it would look like. Vote about it in the comment section.

Speaking of jaws again, Nicky's doctor has very large jowls. I can't help but think that this makes him a worse character (though the author would probably argue that it makes him a better character. I guess that just goes to show that some opinions are more valid than others). I don't think that the doctor is a very good character, but he could be a lot better if he did not have those jowls. He does not dress very well either. Very stereotypical for a doctor. What's wrong with a sweatshirt or a blue pair of pants (he wears white pants. Everyone in this comic wears a lot of white due to certain limitations).

This comic raises too many questions, and I would love to answer them, but how much time do you think that I have on my hands? Lots? The job of being a very famous blogger is not an easy job to do. Some people might think that it's easy because they have other jobs that they think are harder. They think that writing a blog is as easy as just writing a play, or being a guy who sings songs all day and plays an instrument. That's not me. That's not what I do.

The only time this comic comes close to being good is when there is a situation where someone might flip over at any time and reveal a new secret. That's what really gets me going, is when there could be a plot twist. This comic is a good example of that, because it has sort of a good thing going for it. I'm sure you can see what I mean when I say that the plot seems like it could become unstable and possibly unpredictable in some way.

I suppose that I should come up with some way of fixing Nickyitis to make it better than it is. I guess the best option would be to make the characters stop going on and on and on about worthless information, and actually tell me things that make sense and apply to the characters. Perhaps they could describe themselves so I would know what's going on with them. Like this:

But in the end, Nickyitis is kind of average. This strip shows that there is a good side to everything. This strip shows that sometimes there are more characters introduced later in a comic. This strip shows that sometimes the anniversary is better than the regular days. The primary message, though, can be found here in this comic. The message is that a kid can be a very irritating thing, and can have a zig zag instead of regular hair, and make lots of trouble for everyone, but in the end that kid is still a good character. I can't agree with that, because that is not my upbringing. I don't believe in being a bad kid with a zig zag instead of real hair, because that is just not what I was like when I was young.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I will not apologize for not "giving you enough blogs." That would be like apologizing for being too much in love. Nobody criticizes anyone for giving out too much love, or being in too much of it, so really, I guess the problem is you. You have a problem.

That problem is Achewood.

I'm sure that if you haven't read Achewood, you wake up in the morning with a really good feeling in the pit of your torso area. That is a normal feeling. I think I used to get that feeling, but when I read Achewood, it went away. I had a good feeling that Achewood was giving me. I don't know if you've ever read a little thing called The Constitution, but let me tell you, it has some pretty negative things to say about things that take away my good feelings. This research which took me a long time has lead me to conclude that Achewood is...

OK, let me tell you what this "comic" that calls itself a comic is all about: An ugly bear who wears glasses and tasteless swimwear is probably the president of something. We are never told what he is the president of, we just see him rolling on skates and sitting on a nozzle. I can tell you one thing, he's not the president of the United States, because the American people wouldn't elect a man who absolutely hated the constitution so much without even pretending to like it.

You'd think he'd at least make a show of pretending to like it, but when you have Sonty Mick's Powerful Nose For Sniffing Out This Kind Of Stuff, you can tell that even on a molecular level he is not even pretending a tiny bit. That's politics for you.

Another character is a little smiling bean that wants to be part of a golf course. I don't know why a bean would smile, but believe me, Christ Onstead (no joke, he thinks he's Jesus and that is what he says his name is) has no interest in telling you why it smiles so much. Oh, and because of this strip, children no longer have ambitions.

What other characters are there? There is also a piece of roast beef that turned into a cat. You can really tell that "Christ" Onstead is really running out of ideas.

Also there are some robots, and let me tell you, there is nothing less interesting than robots that are realistically like what robots would be like. Would you want to watch a robot that only knows how to march in a line and blink two lights that are different colors? Apparently that never occurred to Mr. Savior of the Webcomics World (sarcastic).

But I'm getting way off topic here, and it really shows. I need to give you some real facts about Achewood and what makes it tick. Here's a list of themes that come up a lot in Achewood.

Now as you can see, this adds up to be a pretty bad message that not a lot of people are going to want to see tought to young people and even some people whose age is hard to determine due to a disease that makes them look the wrong age. That's right. Achewood is a...

I'm sorry to tell you these things, especially when they probably make you get emotional, but what do I look like, your mom? Only if your mom is really cool, that's all I have to contribute to that discussion of who looks like your mom.

So...What else would you like me to say about Achewood?

What's that? You think Achewood should end forever right now?

OK, let me just press this "end achewood forever" button.

It's right over here.

Just kidding folks. That's just a little "April Fools" joke for you. I don't have a button to make Achewood end for good. I wish i did, but if I got everything I wished for, then I would have a life exactly like my life only there wouldn't be any of the bad web comics on this blog. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that I have written reviews of and a few that I haven't done a review of yet.

Achewood never ends. It just keeps on going and going, and if you ask me, that's the worst part. Can you imagine watching a movie that didn't end? I'll bet you wouldn't stand for that. That's why my third main criticism of Achewood is that it is hopelessly...

So what can you do? What can we do to make sure that America isn't ruined by Achewood? What do I want you to do now?

I don't know.

But here's what I think the new, more patriotic Achewood should be like:

It's a pretty good dream. Don't know why I'm telling you though, because I'm the only one who ever gets anything done around here.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Actually, the thing that I actually needed to do was to just kick off my shoes (could they be cowboy boots?) and just enjoy a good healthy laugh. You see, when I did the thing where I said I was quitting the business, that was April Fool's Day. It was a joke, because if I were to stop reviewing the worst of the worst, then that would be a grim day, and someone who I don't like would probably get elected. Nothing brings out the voters like voting against a quitter.

But I had to stay away for a while (even though I associated great pain with the idea) because if I had let it be a short joke, then my April Fool joke would not be a very good joke. It would be flat. That's not something that I want. That's not something that you want either. In order for me to tell the best joke that could be told, I needed to give it some time to sink in, that way everybody could get stressed about it and maybe that would help them lose weight.

But the fact is, the joke is over and it is time to stop laughing or you are going to look ridiculous when the weather starts clearing up.

So what's left after we use process of elimination to eliminate it maybe being a good comic?

IT IS A BAD COMIC

If you don't believe me, then I guess the proof is in the plumbing. And oh boy is this plumbing leaky. This plumbing is so leaky that if you tried to store information about an upcoming Harry Potter book in it, then boy oh boy would you have some disappointed fans as a man in a pinstriped suit rode around in the back of a convertible like in a parade with a megaphone yelling out which characters were going to die, and what was going to happen to Harry Potter.

If you don't think that's leaky plumbing, then I guess you really are a lost cause. Everybody knows that the endings to Harry Potter books are kept very secret.

So what's the big deal then? Why am I reviewing this comic?

Because some foxy lady won a contest, and then didn't try to seduce me (that was a test and she passed.)

Want to know what I really, really hate about this comic? Of course you do! Because you secretly hope that I will agree with what you hate.

If I were to write out a list of all the things that I hate about Nintendo Super Squad, then there would be a list 102 different things that I hate, and all of them would be strips from the archive of this comic. That's every strip. 102 strips, and I hate every single one.

See the thing that I hate is actually not the premise of the strip, and it's not the characters of the strip either. It's not the art, and it's not the web site, and it's not the way that you know what one of the characters is thinking when his eyes go wide, and you see into his brain almost, and it's not the feeling I get in my bladder area when I read it that tells me I may never urinate again. It's not the style, and it's not the topics, and it's not the obvious right wing bias, and it's not the spelling errors that seem to happen whenever things get hairy. It's not the tone, and it's not all the Freudian stuff, and it's not the smell of an old grandfather clock that wafts out of my monitor uniquely when I am reading Nintendo Super Squad.

What I hate is every individual installment on its own in a unique way.

Can I say why? I wouldn't be much of a reviewer if I could!

I can't tell you why because you wouldn't ever get a chance to explore, and that's bad for your exploring and your ideas about exploring.

I will show you. Through dance.

The first thing I want to tell you is that I did actually do all of these moves. I actually was able to do all of that because I am in shape. Since I had to lie low from blogging for my big joke, I was able to find more time for another hobby of mine; working out. Since I did that, I am now very, very buff, believe me. I thought that I was buff before, but now I have taken a turn for the super-buff. Expect to see me soon in your field of vision because my muscles will be so big that they can be viewed from anywhere in the world.

Secondly, I want to remind you all that dance moves can be copyrighted. This dance is copyrighted, and if you steal it then that is against the law. Do not perform my dance for profit or for any reason at all. The only reason that you are allowed to perform these moves is if you feel the same way as I do about Nintendo Super Squad, and this is the only way that you can express yourself about it.

Thirdly I want to apologize for the fact that some of my moves may have been a little bit provocative. I tried to keep it PG 13, but I'm afraid that some of those moves are very bad for kids. I could not keep it family friendly because my rage at Nintendo Super Squad is very unfriendly to the American family, and I needed to get that one out of my system. If it bothers you, then I know a place where if you mail them an empty envelope, they will send it back to you with a free cigar in it. Maybe that would help in the long run.

Fourthly, I want you to know that this dance is my gift to Nintendo Super Squad (even though I still own the copyright.) Learn from it, or you will be forced to repeat your mistakes.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

OK, first of all I need to explain to you all why I have been gone: The primary reason, and I say this from the bottom of my heart, is that I needed to spend some time finding myself. I needed to just get going and get out, and bet the kind of guy who understands who he is. Now that I have spent some time on a small boat, I think that I know who I am.

Everyone should know who they are, because if you know that then you can easily predict what you are going to do next. If you can't do that, then don't come crying to me when you commit a murder, because I'm not going to listen. I'm not even going to pretend that I care about you or your stupid murder that you committed. I'm not even going to listen to the sound of my own fingertips in my ears (Very hard to tune out. The secret: cotton balls.)

OK, another reason that I was not able to blog for a while is that it took me FOREVER to get to the point where I could select a winner for the big contest. The big contest was a contest. The contestants had to try to figure out what the best way was that they could photoshop themselves into a handsome picture. Anyway, here is the winner.

I like this picture primarily because it reminds me of what it is like to stand next to a beautiful woman, which is one of my favorite things to do. If you don't believe me, just consult my personal diary (OH WAIT YOU CAN'T)

The winner's name is Margaret Kelly, and I guess she must be a sexy fox or something because that is what I see here. I will review a comic of her choosing next, but not right now because I'm just mad about one thing that I just have to review of course. I'd say that it was typical, but nothing that I ever do is typical. I make a point of always doing extraordinary things that nobody else would ever do.

Dinosaur Comics.

I am fuming about this, and it is important that you know what that means.

You see, a fume is a stinky smell, and sometimes it is a dangerous smell. Chemicals would be a dangerous smell. Poison is also a dangerous smell, especially if it is a kind of poison that kills you through breathing it. Carbon monoxide would not be a dangerous smell, because carbon monoxide is odorless.

If you need legal advice about carbon monoxide, you might like to try right here.

If you get really angry, you will probably feel the need to do what I do: Exercise. It's a little known fact that when you're angry is the best time to exercise, because there are some brain chemicals or something that make muscles harder and burn fat. That's how I stay in shape, and believe me it works. Anyway, if you exercise a whole lot, then you get something that hasn't been documented in regular science, but as an amateur scientist, I've nicknamed it the "sweat effect."

This is where you get all sweaty.

And of course, when sweat evaporates, you get fumes. I wish I could tell you that wasn't the case, but it is so help me, and I cannot tell a lie.

So anyways, that's the origin of the word fuming when they say that a person is fuming mad.

What am I fuming at? The answer should be obvious. If you haven't got it yet, feel free to take a break and think about it. Maybe do some research. Email me for some good books that you could try researching in.

The answer is Dinosaur Comics. And if you can't see why, then you haven't seen the basic premise of Dinosaur Comics.

The premise of Dinosaur Comics is that it's a comic to see how much crap a man can get away with just because he is tall.

Does that seem fair?

No.

Of course it doesn't.

Everyone should be equal no matter what height they are. It's in the constitution of the United States. Maybe Canadians like Ryan North (the author) could learn a little something from that.

So I poked through the archive, and I think you'll notice the first thing that I noticed: The art, and the way that it is used. See, no matter how good he is at drawing those dinosaurs over and over, and no matter how good he is at getting all kinds of tiny details, RyanNorthcan'tdrawasadexpressiontosavehislife. It's atrocious. It's inexcusable. It's enough to make a grown man take a good hard look in a mirror and then go purchase a BMW. (I almost did, BMWs are surprisingly affordable. But I couldn't because I removed all the mirrors from my home. Religious reasons.)

So I guess what we're stuck with is a whole bunch of comics about HAPPY dinosaurs having nauseating happy discussions, and all night long we have to have happiness shoved down our throats. Wave goodbye to life's beautiful tragedies, because Qwantz wants to kill them. Maybe you can hide them, but these big grinning green guys will find them no matter what you do. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, but guess what: I'm not sad about it at all, because I am no longer allowed to experience that emotion.

The Happocolypse has occurred.

What else is wrong with the Dinosaur comics? The answer may frighten you. Did you know that dinosaurs were actually flesh-eating monsters who were gigantic? Did you know that they regularly ate people with their giant teeth? Did you know that the head of a T-rex is ten feet long? Imagine that the T-rex is chasing you: You think that he can't see you if you don't move, but then it turns out that the raptors are on the same team as him, and guess what; They can see you from anywhere in the world. That's the kind of thing that Ryan North is toying with; Unimaginable power. But he treats it like his own pet thing that he found and he can't quite tell if it's a dog or a cat, because his glasses are foggy, and he never really studied up on dogs and cats.

Simply disgusting. It's basic knowledge.

Ryan North's writing is full of questions. That's the main problem with it. I mean, another reason of course is that he sounds like he bought a joke book at a garage sale, and it turned out that the previous owner was a genius who scribbled notes in the margins of every page, and when Ryan North read it, he couldn't tell the notes from the jokes, so he just said the whole thing.

The thing that I like least of all, though, is that awful T-rex character. Has anything ever been so ungratifying as he is? No. No. He is the lamest thing since the other day when I hurt myself. Looking him in the eye is just the worst thing that anyone could ever do, and it makes me want to just punch him. I want to punch T-rex until he begs for me to stop punching him.

There is so much more to be said about how bad this comic is, and why it sucks so hard that it could never stop, but I am just one man, even if the man that I happen to be is exceptional. You won't hear me teaching you the lyrics to any anthems of hate for Dinosaur Comics today, because I can't do it all. But I encourage you all to write your own. Somebody needs to bring down this abomination once and for all, and it's not going to be the president, because there is an election coming up so he is a lame duck.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

OK guys, I've been stockpiling fanart like it was a resource that Earth is running out of, and it was really time for me to just dump it all in a lake, you know? That's not good for the environment, but circumstances have driven me to desire what I should not; pollution.

Change is a good thing, so for a change, how about if I start with the awards? (too radical?)

Here is the first one. It is called a duffy. I got it from a mysterious person who did not give his/her name but who just dropped it on me and hoped that I would welcome it. Well I guess I did, meaning that this is a time when we can all put our hands together and watch me walk up the stairs of acceptance (the stairs are all labeled with different stages of acceptance. Surprise, pride, desire for greater success etc.)

I did some research about this reward, and I guess it is usually something else, but this one is an exception.

OK, the next one is from an organization that gives out awards. I guess all you have to do is deserve an award and they'll get you one right away.

Next up I have something from a guy online who only gave me his internet name. I will not tell you it because I think it might be from a movie script, and so it might be copyrighted. This guy saw a picture online and he thought "Hey, I could make a really good likeness of you-know-who with this...hmm...maybe I should..."

And this is what he came up with!

OK, the next one isn't really a fanart piece, because actually what I did was I went in and sat for the renowned artist Andrew Stewart. I don't know if it really counts if it's by an actual artist you know? Well anyway this is it, and I'm satisfied with it. It came out as good as I was hoping it would.

THE BIG CONTEST

OK, so this last one was sent in by a fan who wanted me to have a big contest! It has a space for you to add in your own face! Look at how great it is! You can be pictured next to me: A great and famous blogger!

Add in your face and send it to me! LADIES ONLY! Unless if you're a guy you can change the face to make it more feminine. As long as you look like a sexy vixen I will accept anything.

Who ever wins will get the great honor of an original drawing by me, and will be able to choose the subject of my next review!

Friday, January 4, 2008

There are some things that take a true man. Not true in the sense of like he's a man, and that's true. A true man as in: A man who is devoted to truth. A man who seeks after true things. A man who never lies about webcomics, because pulling punches is for true women. No that is sexist. True children perhaps. Pulling punches is for true children.

What does a true child look like? If I had to guess I'd say this:

This is the truth about children. This is what it means to be young and pull punches. If I was a small child, I would not look like this, because I would not wear such a crappy pink robe that looks like it's from a pawn shop, and I would not hold that bear. I would do an experiment with it by letting it go and seeing what happened. It's just clipart, so how do we know the regular laws of physics would apply???

The laws of physics are here for us, but only if we are real objects in real space. I'm sure you've all seen movies or flash advertisements if you spend most of your time on the computer. You'll notice that those worlds are not the same thing. That's what truth is about. Truth is what's real that you can actually experience. Untruth is CRAP. That's what the kind of children that we probably want are the kind that are true?

So what if the children weren't true?

What if instead they were sad?

Seems pretty improbable when I phrase it like that, doesn't it? Yeah, that's probably because I was using semantics. Pretty good, I know.

But yes. If there were sad children then I guess what they would need would be some pictures, huh? Maybe some big pictures? Maybe some small pictures? Maybe even some of the pictures could be upside down because that would be kind of unusual and maybe it would get the kid to laugh.

But no. When children get sad, the only pictures that they are allotted are these. How...sad.

Pictures for Sad Children. It's a comic on the web, and boy does it pack away the laughs in a safe that not even a really good criminal could get them out of even if he had a bunch of equipment and explosives and a glass that he could hold up to the safe and put his ear on the other side and listen to the old clicks as the pins or whatever did whatever they do in order to open.

I think that the author has some jokes, but he's ACTUALLY trying to keep them from us. He's taunting us by showing us that there are jokes and then not telling us them. Here's an example.

It's the kind of thing that would make the children...MAD.

Oh no!

OK, here's a list of just a few things about the comic that make the children mad.

It's impractical. Does this look like the best way to make a comic? I don't think so.

It seems like the guy who wrote it is the sort of guy who grows his hair out, and then he waits and waits for everyone to get used to it, and he even gets it on his drivers license, but then when we all accept him as a long haired man, that's when he cuts it. It makes EVERYONE uncomfortable. I mean, just look at this installment.

No good social networking features on the website. Why can't these sites serve more than one purpose?

No references. This comic would have been the perfect place to drop a line from Free Willy, but does the author take the opportunity? No! He wants to live in a cultural vacuum! Wow, good idea Mr. I hope you like living with dust.

Pictures for Sad Children is pure true boredom. It's probably one of the main reasons that not as many people read the newspaper these days. I'll have to check sometime. If anybody knows the phone number for one of the most important newspapers, leave it here, and I'll try reviewing it as soon as I get the chance (keep in mind, I keep busy.)

So why don't I like this comic? Lots of reasons. Some of them are private, but there are some public ones. For instance, if I were reading it in public I would feel very strange.

I would feel like I was a cancer researcher who accidentally discovered the ultimate way to cause cancer, and it was the only thing I discovered all year, and my mom was trying to ask me what I had discovered that year, and it was really awkward because my only discovery was one that could kill people.

I also dislike the comic's use of perspective. Why do things always have to be in the distance?