The following story is perhaps impossible to believe — nobody knows this more than I — but I swear every word of what I relate is true. Were I to tell this story and associate it with my identity, I’d be ridiculed or put in a mental hospital. But I have to tell this story . . .

For far to long have we have been socially rejected. For far to long have we stood by and watched seemingly attractive people who aren’t awkward actually get the opportunity to talk to a girl. For far to long have we seen people get profiled based on wearing a . . .

This photo allegedly shows a nude Mitt Romney engaged in public masturbation.

SPRINGFIELD, CONN. – At 9:00 a.m., passersby in a quiet Connecticut town say they expressed horror and shock at the sight on a hotel balcony of a masturbating middle-aged man, a man whom they claim to have been been front-runner for . . .

hey fuckers we’re back. we are the evil anonymous who allows anyone to use our name. that’s right, anyone can be lowercase anonymous. today, we hacked bart police and released their info because we don’t give a fuck. uppercase anonymous has denied they had anything to do with the hack, and they are right. it was all lowercase anonymous. . . .

uppercase anonymous framed lowercase anonymous by using ddos as a cover to get away with sophisticated attacks. lowercase anonymous is just a socially engineered group of skiddies given teh power of ddos, which is dressed up like a video game in loic. then they feed youz propaganda and you fire teh cann0ns so they can make more intrusive attacks under your cover. uppercase does not care to protect your privacy and censor anyone who wants to complain. . . .

“As the world’s greatest troll, I am myself untrollable. However, Barrett Brown is not such a savvy troll. I took it upon myself to troll Barrett Brown and make him look like a failure. It’s part of a psychotic plan I have to assert dominance over Anonymous. Having trolled the entirety of Anonymous ten times over, I have finally set my sights on their great leader. Anyone who takes documents to Anonymous instead of Wikileaks should be instantly ignored.” ~ Kilgore Trout . . .