It actually all started in looking for joy. I realized a few months back, things have been way out of balance for far too long. Taking care of mom/dad the last 10 years. Dad had Alzheimers, which was triggered by a family trauma (losing money, financial crisis, don’t want to get into it) and his own poor health. I became unemployed and came back home… found all this tragedy and drama unfolding and became part of it. I thought I would help.. for a few years.. it became 10.. mostl of my own doing.. Mom got depressed and then I did.. for 10 bloody years… the dark days were unbearable.. often wanting to end it all.

But the last year or so, a close friend showed me that life isn’t supposed to be full of pain. She pushed my buttons, and made me smile. She inspired me to change, and said I don’t have to care about everyone. But that pattern was so strongly built in me by that point. She didn’t give up. She gave me a hint that joy was possible and showed me what it looked like. We went to the gym, and met friends, and ate good food. Life was good.. but then she left for her own journey.. and I started back with Hicks again..

My cousin showed me Hicks like 12 years ago.. I wasn’t ready then.. thought it was too much woo woo, crystals and pixie dust.. what are these people smoking?

I decided a few months back.. I would commit to some small moments of joy every day.. a laugh even.. a smile.. walking in public and not being so damn depressed.. thanks to my friend..

Then.. was the light switch.. “If source can’t make them see, what makes you think you can”. That line was for me. Mom is still in her limiting, small thinking bubble. So what.. i don’t care.. let her be. I could never say that a year ago. Dad is gone now.. he passed last year.. but its her. I was so caught up in saving for the last 10 years.. I lost myself. But that one line was it. It was enough to get me to see myself in the mirror once again. Its my life.. its a gift.. I knew it.. but I didn’t get it.

The changes…

A side effect of saving others.. is that I didn’t save myself.. Single.. never married.. but I forgive myself.. I understand now it wasn’t them.. it was me.. and I’m working on it and things are changing for the better already..

I’m eating better and losing weight.. its me.. I get to decide.. and I decide good health..

Found a few web developers I can outsource to.. client contracts are coming.. people are actually demanding I send them an invoice! hahah.. a project I have dreamed of for 2 years is going full speed ahead.. and I found exactly, like I mean EXACTLY as if I created him myself… like down to the accent!!! That guy showed up.. I could kiss him LOL.. anyways.. happy happy joy joy….

I can’t talk just about Hicks without also mentioning Pastor Joel Osteen and Pastor Andy Stanley either.. google them… a must conceal and carry for me anyways..

Look for joy.. from there you will find a lot of answers. Life is not supposed to be painful.