Casual hookups, mixed signals, and alcohol play a part in a confusing form of sexual assault. Here, everything you need to know about what some people call gray rape.

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Alicia* has been out of college for
three years, and by most measures,
she's doing great: She has a good job
as a consultant, a high-rise condo, and
a boyfriend her friends envy. But in
one disquieting way, she has not been
able to leave her college self behind.
She is haunted by the memory of
something that occurred one night
years ago — a sexual encounter and an
unanswered question: Was I raped?

This is what happened: Alicia had
asked another student, Kevin, to be
her "platonic date" at a college sorority
formal. The two of them went out
for dinner first with friends and then
to the dance. She remembers that
they got drunk but not what she would
call sloppy wasted.

After the dance, they went to Kevin's
room and, eventually, started making
out. She told him flat out that she
didn't want it to proceed to sex, and
he said okay. But in a few minutes, he
had pushed her down on the couch
and positioned himself on top of her.

"No. Stop," she said softly — too
softly, she later told herself. When he
ignored her and entered her anyway,
she tensed up and tried to go numb
until it was over. He fell asleep afterward,
and she left for her dorm, "having
this dirty feeling of not knowing
what to do or who to tell or whether
it was my fault." While it felt like rape
to her — she had not wanted to have
sex with Kevin — she was not sure if
that's what anyone else would call it.

"It fell into a gray area," she said
recently. "Maybe I wasn't forceful
enough in saying I didn't want it."
Even today, she is reluctant to call it
rape because she thinks of herself as a
strong and sexually independent
woman, not a victim.

Alicia's "gray area" experience is
something that is becoming so common,
it has earned its own moniker:
gray rape. It refers to sex that falls
somewhere between consent and denial
and is even more confusing than
date rape because often both parties
are unsure of who wanted what.

And it's a surprisingly common occurrence.
The U.S. Department of
Justice estimates that 1 in 5 college
women will be raped at some point
during a five-year college career; that
about 9 out of 10 times, the victim will
know her assailant; and that half of all
victims will not call what happened
rape. Sixty-two percent of female rape
victims in general say they were assaulted
by someone they knew, which
includes dates, acquaintances, and
random hookups.

Many experts feel that gray rape is
in fact often a consequence of today's
hookup culture: lots of partying and
flirting, plenty of alcohol, and ironically,
the idea that women can be just
as bold and adventurous about sex as
men are. How can something so potentially
empowering become so damaging?
Cosmo investigates.

*Pseudonyms are used for those quoted with first names only.

BLURRED BOUNDARIES

A generation ago, it was easier for men
and women to understand what constituted
rape because the social rules were clearer. Men were supposed to
be the ones coming on to women, and
women were said to be looking for
relationships, not casual sex.

But those boundaries and rules have
been loosening up for decades, and
now lots of women feel it's perfectly
okay to go out looking for a hookup or
to be the aggressor, which may turn
out fine for them — unless the signals
get mixed or misread.

Shari Rosen, a media recruiter in
New York City, found that out on a
business trip to Los Angeles. She and
a coworker met a man in the bar of the
hotel where they were staying. They
ended up going with the man to a
party, and then he and Shari returned
to the hotel. On the way in, he kissed
her deeply. They had a few more
drinks at the hotel bar, and then he
asked if she wanted to go to his hotel
room to see some family photos.

She went to his room but after a few
minutes said she needed to go. He
pinned her on the bed and, according
to Shari, sexually assaulted her. She
struggled with him and managed to
escape. Shari reported the incident to
police but didn't press charges. Later,
she started working on a documentary
about rape and, in the process of interviewing
rape victims, discovered
that a lot of them felt they had contributed
somewhat to what happened.

Because they thought they were (or
should be) in control of their bodies
and desires, says Shari, "they'd say
things like 'I should have done this'
or 'I shouldn't have been in that situation.'
But they'd also say, 'If the guy
had had respect for me, he would
have backed off.' "

In gray-rape cases, it's even easier
than in more clear-cut date rapes for
women to blame themselves: "If only
I hadn't gone to that party, this
wouldn't have happened" or "If I
hadn't worn such a revealing top and
come on to that hot guy...."

Laura Taylor, who just graduated
from Cornell University, understands
why a woman in this predicament
might second-guess herself. When she
was a sophomore, she met a fellow
student at a frat party. They drank,
they flirted, and then he invited her to
his apartment. There, they kissed for
a while, and things got more heated
until Laura realized that he was taking
off her underwear and entering her.
She was drunk, but she says she was
aware enough to say no. When he ignored
her, she froze — a common response,
much like Alicia's — and he
continued to have sex with her.

After he finished, she put on her
clothes. He made her hug him before
she left. "I knew something was off,
but I wouldn't have called it rape," she
recalls. That's what her roommate
called it a day later, however, insisting
that Laura call the sexual-assault hotline.
Even after the hotline counselor
assured her that what had occurred
was rape, Laura couldn't stop asking
herself questions like "Why didn't I
scream?" "Why didn't I take him on?"
(She's almost 6 feet tall.) Laura didn't
press charges against her assailant.

"SHE WANTED IT"

The odd thing about the current
equal-opportunity hookup culture is
that a lot of guys may feel as uncomfortable
and confused as their dates do
when things end up in bed.

Anthony Moniello, 24, a radio personality
for ESPN, says, "I've had girls
tell me 'I don't have sex on the first
night.' And I say, 'That's fine, I respect
that. Mind if I play with you a little
bit?' A girl will say no, she doesn't
mind, then she'll get so hot, she'll say,
'Let's do it.' That's the scariest part. Is
it then my responsibility to say no?"

One male student at George Washington
University, a senior, recounted
to the student newspaper that he had
woken up naked and drunk next to a
girl he didn't know. His friends later
told him that the girl had bought him
drinks the night before and volunteered to take him home. He ended
up feeling taken advantage of — that
he wouldn't have hooked up with her
if he hadn't been so wasted.

Another senior at GW expressed his
confusion like this: "Sometimes I'll
feel like a girl isn't sure, but then she'll
say yes and I'll think she's just being
coy. If you regret it or she regrets it,
does that make it assault?"

But then there are guys who will
admit that they find the whole hookup
culture secretly freeing. Like one who
says that today's larger gray area simply
"allows guys to be assholes" by
hiding behind the "she wanted it, she
went after me" excuse.

THE ALCOHOL FACTOR

All of these complicated scenarios are
made even more so by drinking, which
is almost always part of the mix. Heavy
drinking is a major factor in sexual
assaults, and young women's drinking
habits have risen almost to the level of
men's. This makes them more vulnerable
to guys who are pushing for sex.

In one study of college women by
the Harvard School of Public Health,
nearly 3 out of 4 rape victims were
intoxicated when the assault occurred,
a pattern that appears to continue as
women move through their 20s.

"Women's self-esteem at that age is
tied into how they are experienced by
men, and part of dealing with that
social anxiety is to drink it away or drug
it away," says New York City psychotherapist
Robi Ludwig, PsyD. "They
say to themselves that it'll work out
okay, with some thinking that maybe
they'll end up in a relationship."

According to Brett Sokolow, a Malvern,
Pennsylvania, attorney who specializes
in sexual assault, if a woman is
drunk or otherwise incapable of making
a sound decision, then a man who
knowingly has sex with her in that condition
is indeed guilty of rape. But rape
cases where drinking or drugs are involved
are difficult to prove in a criminal
court if the victim cannot remember
whether she gave consent or if she
blacked out and her partner claims she
gave consent, says Sokolow.

Last year, a 20-year-old female midshipman
at the U.S. Naval Academy
reported that the academy's star quarterback,
Lamar S. Owens Jr., raped
her. She filed charges and, in a July
2006 court-martial of Owens, said that
she had been drinking and could recall
very little beyond waking up in her bed
in the middle of the night to find
Owens having sex with her.

Owens testified that she had invited
him to her room during an instant message
conversation, and that after
a few caresses, they began to have sex.
After two minutes, he reportedly said,
she stopped responding, and he left
her room. The young woman testified
that she could not remember sending
the messages to Owens and that someone
had closed the instant-message
window on her computer, so they
weren't retrievable.

A toxicologist for the defense reportedly
said that the young woman's
blood-alcohol level showed that she
was legally intoxicated, which means
she may not have been able to give
consent. Nonetheless, the rape
charge against Owens was dropped
because the five officers on the military
jury believed that evidence indicated
he had been invited to her
room. During his testimony, Owens
reportedly said it was a case not of
rape but of "sex going bad."

PAINFUL AFTEREFFECTS

The psychological effects of what a
victim did or didn't do can last for years.
"I still panic when a guy is on top of me
and positions his body so that I feel
restricted, even if we are just making
out," says Alicia. "I have punched a guy
because he had innocently placed himself
on me the wrong way."

Some young women stop working
or doing their schoolwork, adopt unhealthy
eating patterns, turn to drugs,
or attempt suicide. Others may start
quickly seeking out new sex partners.
"They think that this is the way they can prove that the assault didn't affect
them," explains Catherine Busch,
PhD, clinical director of the Specialized
Trauma Treatment and Recovery
Center in Columbia, Maryland, who
works with sexual-assault victims.

So how do you avoid being a victim
without giving up the right to be
sexually independent and assertive?
Many psychologists feel that the first
step is to acknowledge the dangers
inherent in the free-and-easy hookup
approach to dating and sex.

"We all have vulnerabilities, and
we all can be taken advantage of,"
says Ludwig. "Though you're successful
at school, sports, whatever,
you must see yourself — as a
woman — as vulnerable. If you don't,
you're at greater risk."

Sarah Belanger, 28, a communications
specialist who works in Boston,
has been trying to find a middle ground
in her own life. "If you make the choice
to leave the bar with the guy, then you
are also creating the opportunity for
something to go wrong," she says. "I
think that is the point that needs to be
driven home to everyone who participates
in the hookup culture. Yes, you
can practice safe sex. Yes, you can have
casual sex without strings. But this
behavior carries a risk."

And if something bad does happen,
says Laura, seek help immediately,
and don't blame yourself. "It was incredibly
empowering for me to say
'I'm a survivor of rape.'"

AVOIDING THE GRAY AREA

Recognize Male Mind Games

Beware of statements that
make him sound as if he is
only thinking of you, such as
"I just want to get you off."
Also, be wary of those
designed to make you feel
guilty, like "You're going
to give me blue balls if
you don't...." (He can always
relieve himself later.)

Don't Get Smashed

You won't be clearheaded
enough to be sure how
far you really want things
to go or confident enough
to follow through.

Be Straightforward and Clear

Telling a partner what you
want — and don't want — to do
is more likely to protect you
than assuming you can show
him. He may not get the hint.

Know Your Rights

Under the law, a guy has to
get a clear verbal or nonverbal
yes from you to have sex.
Just because you consent
to one sexual activity (making
out, even with few clothes
on) does not mean you have
given permission for any
other. Also, silence doesn't
always equal consent, nor
does being too drunk to know
what you're doing.