How families of Flight 370 can cope

By Curt H. Drennen

Updated 1355 GMT (2155 HKT) March 20, 2014

The search for MH37048 photos

Relatives of passengers from Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370 console each other outside the Malaysia Airlines office in Subang, Malaysia, on Thursday, February 12. Protesters demanded that the airline withdraw the statement made in January that all the passengers aboard the plane are dead. The plane, which disappeared on March 8, has not been found.

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The search for MH37048 photos

A policewoman watches a couple whose son was on board the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 cry outside the airline's office building in Beijing after officials refused to meet with them on June 11, 2014. The search for the missing plane has been ongoing since early 2014.

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The search for MH37048 photos

Members of the media scramble to speak with Azharuddin Abdul Rahman, director general of Malaysia's Civil Aviation Department, at a hotel in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, on May 27, 2014. Data from communications between satellites and missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 was released the day before, more than two months after relatives of passengers say they requested that it be made public.

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Operators aboard the Australian ship Ocean Shield move Bluefin-21, the U.S. Navy's autonomous underwater vehicle, into position to search for the jet on April 14, 2014.

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A member of the Royal New Zealand Air Force looks out of a window while searching for debris off the coast of western Australia on April 13, 2014.

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The Echo moves through the waters of the southern Indian Ocean on April 12, 2014.

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A Royal Australian Air Force AP-3C Orion, on a mission to drop sonar buoys to assist in the search, flies past the Australian vessel Ocean Shield on April 9, 2014.

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A relative of a missing passenger cries at a vigil in Beijing on April 8, 2014.

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Australian Defense Force divers scan the water for debris in the southern Indian Ocean on April 7, 2014.

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A towed pinger locator is readied to be deployed off the deck of the Australian vessel Ocean Shield on April 7, 2014.

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A member of the Royal New Zealand Air Force looks at a flare in the Indian Ocean during search operations on April 4, 2014.

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A member of the Japanese coast guard points to a flight position data screen while searching for debris from the missing jet on April 1, 2014.

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On March 30, 2014, a woman in Kuala Lumpur prepares for an event in honor of those aboard Flight 370.

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A Royal New Zealand Air Force member launches a GPS marker buoy over the southern Indian Ocean on March 29, 2014.

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The sole representative for the families of Flight 370 passengers leaves a conference at a Beijing hotel on March 28, 2014, after other relatives left en masse to protest the Malaysian government's response to their questions.

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A member of the Royal Australian Air Force is silhouetted against the southern Indian Ocean during the search for the missing jet on March 27, 2014.

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Flight Lt. Jayson Nichols looks at a map aboard a Royal Australian Air Force aircraft during a search on March 27, 2014.

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People in Kuala Lumpur light candles during a ceremony held for the missing flight's passengers on March 27, 2014.

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Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak, center, delivers a statement about the flight on March 24, 2014. Razak's announcement came after the airline sent a text message to relatives saying it "deeply regrets that we have to assume beyond any reasonable doubt that MH 370 has been lost and that none of those onboard survived."

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Grieving relatives of missing passengers leave a hotel in Beijing on March 24, 2014.

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Ground crew members wave to a Japanese Maritime Defense Force patrol plane as it leaves the Royal Malaysian Air Force base in Subang, Malaysia, on March 23, 2014. The plane was heading to Australia to join a search-and-rescue operation.

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A passenger views a weather map in the departures terminal of Kuala Lumpur International Airport on March 22, 2014.

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A Chinese satellite captured this image, released on March 22, 2014, of a floating object in the Indian Ocean, according to China's State Administration of Science. It is a possible lead in the search for the missing plane. Surveillance planes are looking for two objects spotted by satellite imagery in remote, treacherous waters more than 1,400 miles from the west coast of Australia.

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Satellite imagery provided by the Australian Maritime Safety Authority on March 20, 2014, shows debris in the southern Indian Ocean that could be from Flight 370. The announcement by Australian officials that they had spotted something raised hopes of a breakthrough in the frustrating search.

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Another satellite shot provided by the Australian Maritime Safety Authority shows possible debris from the flight.

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A distraught relative of a missing passenger breaks down while talking to reporters at Kuala Lumpur International Airport on March 19, 2014.

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On March 18, 2014, a relative of a missing passenger tells reporters in Beijing about a hunger strike to protest authorities' handling of information about the missing jet.

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U.S. Navy crew members assist in search-and-rescue operations in the Indian Ocean on March 16, 2014.

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Members of the Chinese navy continue search operations on March 13, 2014. The search area for Flight 370 has grown wider. After starting in the sea between Malaysia and Vietnam, the plane's last confirmed location, efforts are expanding west into the Indian Ocean.

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A Vietnamese military official looks out an aircraft window during search operations March 13, 2014.

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Malaysian air force members look for debris near Kuala Lumpur on March 13, 2014.

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Relatives of missing passengers wait for the latest news at a hotel in Beijing on March 12, 2014.

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Indonesian air force officers in Medan, Indonesia, examine a map of the Strait of Malacca on March 12, 2014.

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A member of the Vietnamese air force checks a map while searching for the missing plane on March 11, 2014.

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Vietnam air force Col. Le Huu Hanh is reflected on the navigation control panel of a plane that is part of the search operation over the South China Sea on March 10, 2014.

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A Vietnamese air force plane found traces of oil that authorities had suspected to be from the missing Malaysia Airlines plane, the Vietnamese government online newspaper reported on March 8, 2014. However, a sample from the slick showed it was bunker oil, typically used to power large cargo ships, Malaysia's state news agency, Bernama, reported on March 10, 2014.

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A U.S. Navy Seahawk helicopter lands aboard the USS Pinckney to change crews on March 9, 2014, before returning to search for the missing plane in the Gulf of Thailand.

Italian tourist Luigi Maraldi, who reported his passport stolen in August, shows his current passport during a news conference at a police station in Phuket island, Thailand, on March 9, 2014. Iranians Pouri Nourmohammadi and Delavar Seyed Mohammad Reza were identified by Interpol as the two men who used stolen passports to board the flight. But there's no evidence to suggest either was connected to any terrorist organizations, according to Malaysian investigators. Malaysian police believe Nourmohammadi was trying to emigrate to Germany using the stolen Austrian passport.

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Vietnamese air force crew stand in front of a plane at Tan Son Nhat airport in Ho Chi Minh City on March 9, 2014, before heading out to the area between Vietnam and Malaysia where the airliner vanished.

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Buddhist monks at Kuala Lumpur International Airport offer a special prayer for the missing passengers on March 9, 2014.

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The Chinese navy warship Jinggangshan prepares to leave Zhanjiang Port early on March 9, 2014, to assist in search-and-rescue operations for the missing Malaysia Airlines flight. The Jinggangshan, an amphibious landing ship, is loaded with lifesaving equipment, underwater detection devices and supplies of oil, water and food.

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Members of a Chinese emergency response team board a rescue vessel at the port of Sanya in China's Hainan province on March 9, 2014. The vessel is carrying 12 divers and will rendezvous with another rescue vessel on its way to the area where contact was lost with Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.

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The rescue vessel sets out from Sanya in the South China Sea on March 9, 2014.

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Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak, center, arrives to meet family members of missing passengers at the reception center at Kuala Lumpur International Airport on March 8, 2014.

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A relative of two missing passengers reacts at their home in Kuala Lumpur on March 8, 2014.

Malaysia Airlines Group CEO Ahmad Juahari Yahya, front, speaks during a news conference at a hotel in Sepang on March 8, 2014. "We deeply regret that we have lost all contacts" with the jet, he said.

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Story highlights

Relatives of people on board Flight 370 protest about the missing plane

Curt Drennen: It is heart-wrenching for these families who are in limbo

He says with each passing day, it's likely that passengers are dead

Drennen: Relatives have to create a new life without their loved one

It is agony for the relatives of the 239 people on board Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, which set out from Kuala Lumpur heading to Beijing on the night of March 8. After more than a week, the plane is still missing. With new clues spawning new theories every day, authorities are searching a huge area of nearly 3 million square miles of the Indian Ocean.

Some relatives, such as Sarah Bajc, partner of American Philip Wood, are still hopeful. But many others are angry, frustrated and overcome with grief. They're fed up with the "Malaysian government's inaction." On YouTube, a video shows a mother asking: "Where is my son? Why are you not giving me answers?"

The 227 passengers and 12 crew members might all be dead. Most of the passengers were Chinese. There were three Americans.

Curt H. Drennen

It is heart-wrenching for these families who are in limbo. As long as the plane is not found, there is a glimmer of hope that those on board are alive. But with each passing day, it seems more and more likely that they are lost forever. This state of ambiguity may be the most painful: The not knowing, the wondering "what if," the process of seeking answers and not receiving any. The waiting is excruciating and makes people justifiably upset.

For these families who are in despair, they may have to accept the loss and create a new life without the person they loved.

I've counseled people in various stages of loss and grief. In my role now as Colorado's behavioral health disaster coordinator, I have often worked with people who have experienced sudden, painful and intense loss.

We shepherd them to the first responders who provide counseling, guidance and support. Colorado has had its share of disasters -- wildfires, tornadoes and floods that destroy communities, businesses, farms and take lives unexpectedly. Community violence such as the theater shooting in Aurora in 2012 or school violence such as Columbine High School that happened 15 years ago next month, take innocent lives from our midst in tragic and unimaginable ways.

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Grief is not an emotion per se, but a process that is physical, emotional, cognitive, behavioral and spiritual. It hits you in your gut. It doesn't just affect immediate family members; I know people who are grieving for the passengers of Flight 370, and they have no connection to anyone who was lost.

When we grieve, we feel the loss of an expected hello or an anniversary. We sense the absence of a planned outing or joint project, and what was supposed to happen tomorrow, next week, next year, next decade. We think back on fond interactions. We feel sorry for not having parted on the best of terms, leaving arguments or expressions of anger in the air. We expected to know someone for a very long time, and that time was suddenly cut short.

How can the relatives of those on Flight 370 best deal with the current situation? Here are some suggestions:

1. Be connected to others. Don't struggle with ambiguity or grieve in silence. Surround yourself with people who can love and support you through the hard times. Share your experience, talk about it or write about it. Tell stories about the lost individual and celebrate his or her life.

2. Allow yourself all the time that you need. Some people will appear to get over it quickly. Others will take years if not decades to feel like they have accepted their loss and have returned to a normal life. Be careful that you don't blame yourself for still feeling sad when you see others moving on.

3. Get help if you need it. If you find that you are really struggling, that your sleep has changed for the worse, that you're not eating or eating too much or that you can't focus or think clearly, then seek out a therapist, a counselor or a spiritual caregiver who can provide you with more direct guidance, direction, support and resources.

4. When you are ready, allow yourselfto return to your everyday routines, roles and responsibilities. This can help you orient yourself to your life, even as you continue to mourn your loss. But don't be too hard on yourself if you haven't completely gotten on track in your job, life commitments and other activities.

5. Finally, look for ways that you can give to others. There are hundreds of stories of people who, after the sudden and tragic loss of a loved one, took action to honor the lost life by helping their communities. When we focus on the needs of others, it helps alleviate our own pain.

In the months and years to come, each individual, each family, each community will define what the loss means. Humans are naturally resilient. The loss may be forever, but the grief does not have to be.