You get cut up at a junction. You are American. You are furious. You cannot believe that someone would be so stupid as to do such a thing. You drive after them. You pull out your gun and you shoot them.

You hear a noise down stairs. You are American. It’s someone trying to break into your home. You can’t believe that there could be any possible reason why they are doing this. You go down stairs to confront them and shoot them with a gun.

You go to the bank and ask them for a loan to help you set up a business mending lawn-mowers. You are American. You live in a suburban area and there are LOTS of lawns. The bank looks at the various collateral impacts of the consequence of a loan to you and they don’t agree a loan is feasible given the current economic climate. You shoot them with your gun.

You’re walking down the street. You are American. A man bumps into you as he passes, unable to rectify the path he’s walking because he’s carrying shopping. There’s rain and some wind about. He may have apologised but you can’t be sure. You shoot him with a gun.

You are uneasy about the way in which the government seems to be allowing people to just go about buying houses without any consideration as to whether they are going to add or lessen the quality of the neighbourhood. You are American. You shoot the house buyers because you don’t have access to the local government building to shoot them instead.

You’re on a theme-park ride and the enjoyment in no way is in correlation to the hyperbole of the website and brochure you read before you entered the theme-park and rode on the ride. You are American. You get your gun and shoot the staff at the theme-park.

The price sticker on the item you brought to the checkout counter to purchase doesn’t tally with the amount the product barcode is bringing up. You are American. This is creating a hold up in your day regarding your time and is questioning your integrity as a consumer. You get your gun, shoot the checkout girl/boy then turn your weapon on any uniform wearing cadaver that passes in front of your sights.

A person comes to your door to ask you a question. You are American. You shoot them.

*

It’s only right. It is absolutely right that we have the wherewithal to protect ourselves. It’s our right. It is our second amendment right. It is the right of ourselves to be able to shoot someone to make sure we are safe. No matter how safe we were when we shot someone; it is OUR RIGHT. It is embedded in our constitution. So fuck off.

The constitution says -“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

And here’s the thing. Carry a gun all you want. Carry a gun concealed or otherwise…the constitution says you can do that… The constitution does not say you can fire it.

But you do.

Idiotically.

Charmlessly.

Soullessly

Hatefully.

*

David Bowie wrote a song on his gloriously, entertainingly misguided album Earthling called “I’m Afraid of Americans”. Do you consider that this hideous drum’n’bass exercise in critique may have had some merit? I’m afraid of America. I love the place. I’m shit scared of it, though. One of my comedy heroes, Rob Newman, has just spoken of his regret at not letting another of his (and my) comedy heroes, Bill Hicks, open for him on tour. Hicks skewered American idiocy way before Green Day realised it was a topic worth strumming a chord about. Hicks had American life nailed down way before anyone else of his ilk started to prod and poke in the years after.

We should not be afraid of Americans – but we are. The moment America considers it a good idea to stop 4 year olds being shot over cars, or 8 year old being shot over access to puppies, will be the moment we can start to embrace American sensibilities in the world again.