Loved One Has Cancer: What Do You Say?

HEALTH

Longtime Disease Counselor Offers A Guide On How To Overcome That Uncomfortable Silence

February 17, 1997|By GLENN SINGER Staff Writer

Despite recent advances in diagnosing and treating cancer, we remain in the dark when trying to relate to those with the disease.

That is the contention of cancer counselor Elise NeeDell Babcock, author of When Life Becomes Precious: A Guide for Loved Ones and Friends of Cancer Patients (Bantam; $13.95).

``We want to do the right thing, but we just don't know what the right thing is,'' says Babcock, who received a bachelor's degree in social psychology in 1980 from Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton. Long before she completed her coursework, though, relationships with cancer patients helped her select a career path.

A teen-age friend developed the disease in 1974 and died soon after; her grandfather was diagnosed with colon cancer the same year and was treated successfully, though he died later from other causes.

And even after she had been counseling cancer patients and their families, Babcock says, she still became hysterically upset when her mother was diagnosed with lung cancer in 1993. Her mother's lung was removed, and she has returned to most normal activities.

Written much like an instruction manual, with personal anecdotes blended in, When Life Becomes Precious starts with 11 common reactions to hearing someone has cancer, including shock, anger, fear, loss of control and grief. Some last for years, others for a much shorter time.

Babcock explains how to turn those reactions into positive changes, such as cementing relationships with family members. She also suggests tools to reduce stress, both for patients and caregivers. Among them: Keep a diary; reach out for support; celebrate the small victories; learn to laugh.

She also delves into the question, ``Why do we stop talking when we need to start?''

``We don't always reach out the minute a friend is diagnosed. We make excuses,'' she writes. ``Days go by. Weeks. We are so uncomfortable making that first contact that sometimes we never do pick up the phone to call. We mean to. We care so much. We just can't.''

Babcock examines the common excuses and teaches the reader how to overcome them. Excuse: ``I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing.'' A way to conquer that fear: ``Simple statements of love and concern are all you need to convey.''

For example: ``I'm so sorry to learn you have cancer. I love you, and I want to be available to you and your family. I don't know what to say, but I was worried and wanted to see how you are. Would it help if you talked about it? I haven't been through this myself, but I can listen.''

``The advice in the book did not all come from me, though I certainly agree with it,'' Babcock says. ``I talked to dozens of health care professionals to gather their views, and that added a lot of depth.''

Babcock spends two chapters discussing how to tell young children a parent has cancer, including preparation before discussing the illness with them. She urges adults to be honest, upbeat and realistic and to watch for signals of how they are taking the news. Remember, she says, each child reacts differently.

``Let them know there always will be someone to take care of them,'' she suggests, and adds, ``Be prepared for anger.''

``Children can be mad at getting less attention, mad at the cancer or mad at the parent for getting sick,'' she writes. ``Their anger can be a way of saying, `I feel helpless.' ''

Babcock also suggests ways to find the best doctors, how to prepare for a visit to an oncologist and when to change doctors.

``In these days of managed care and tight budgets, hospitals and cancer centers are cutting social workers, psychiatrists and psychologists and nurses _ the people who can provide information and support,'' Babcock says.

She has seen the changes firsthand as the founder of Cancer Counseling Inc. in Houston, the first agency in the United States to provide free professional counseling to patients and their families during any stage of the disease. Counselors there have seen 90,000 people since the early 1980s.

``The biggest lesson I learned over the years is that every time we support someone, we have to work at it. We have to be a blank slate and really listen because every person is different,'' Babcock says.

While the cover says the book is designed for ``loved ones and friends of cancer patients,'' the author thinks much of the material also can benefit the patients. ``The way the subtitle was written is probably the only disagreement I had with my publisher,'' she says.