Any day now,
you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in
the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is
no need to panic.

(2) We could
all be killed.

Yes,
hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're
probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit
by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this
simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1.

Buy enough
food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2.

Put these
supplies into your car.

STEP 3.

Drive to
Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people
will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll
start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS'
INSURANCE:

If you own a
home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to
get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is
reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is
located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately,
if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a
hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance,
because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they
got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for
an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the
replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental
floss. Since Hurricane Georges, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance
companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a
policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on
demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:

Your house
should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and, if it's a major
hurricane, all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages:

Plywood
shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The
disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal
shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The
disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps,
and it will be December.

Roll-down
shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect
your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof
windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary
windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the
salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane
Proofing Your Property:

As the
hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters,
patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items
into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION
ROUTE:

If you live
in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine
whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license, if it says
"Florida," you live in a low-lying area).

The purpose
of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm
hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home,
along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE
SUPPLIES:

If you don't
evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition
requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get
into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition
to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23
flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to
be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No,
I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's
traditional, so GET some!)

A 55-gallon
drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife
that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large
quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille,
after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in
cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man
with no discernible teeth.

Of course
these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important
that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV
reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck,
and remember:

It's
great living in Paradise!!!

10 REASONS HANDGUNS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

10. You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
9. You can keep one handgun on the road and another at home.
8. If you admire a man's handgun and tell him so, he'll let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Handguns function normally everyday of the month.
3. A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A handgun doesn't mind if you sleep after you use it.
1. You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

I heard the Ten Commandments display was removed recently from the
Alabama Supreme Court building.

You have to understand. Posting "Thou Shalt Not Steal" in a
building full of lawyers and politicians would create a totally hostile work environment.

Politics

The
word politics describes the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many
and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

Abbot and Costello in 2004

Remember the Who's on First bit?

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking

about buying a
computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to writeproposals, track expenses and run my business. What
have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets justsay, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a
proposal. What do Ineed?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W"
COSTELLO:: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with somestraight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies
on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none ofyour business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. Itpretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even partof Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeepingyou have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why no,they own it.

A clean desk is the sign of a sick
mind.

Politicians talk
to the country the way men talk to women.

They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right."

And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble.

Truckers

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came
to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3."

They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4."

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight.
Let's take a chance!"

HU'S ON FIRST(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the
Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the
U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle
East?

Cape Cod Whales

There are a bunch of
beached whales off of Cape Cod. This could be preparation for another traditional Kennedy
family weekend.

Cannibal Engineers

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a Telecom
company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team
now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to
eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all
working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our secretaries
has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shake
their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the
others, "Which of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raises hesitantly, to
which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been
eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and YOU
had to go and eat the secretary!"

'Twas the night before Christmas
2001

'Twas the night before Christmas - Old
Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa some money

And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...I'm not IBM!

If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss

They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile...parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde...and going SOUTH for the season!!

The whole truth
about how important chocolate is in our lives!

Chocolate

Chocolate
is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean equals vegetable, right! Sugar
is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in
the vegetable category......Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go
one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars
are a health food.

Chocolate-covered
raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as
you want. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
slowly.

The
problem : How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.

The
solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet
tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and
you'll eat less.

Chocolate
has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Put "eat chocolate"
at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing
done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one
place. Now, isn't that handy?

DOCUMENTS RECOVERED?

As you know, U.S. Special Forces have
recovered some rather interesting documents from various sites in Afghanistan.You've already heard about the terrorist manual
and the plans on how to build a nuclear weapon.Heres
one you probably havent heard about.Its
just a simple little memo found near the break room in one of the caves.

MEMORANDUM

Monday, October
22, 2001 @ 8:17am

FM:Bin Laden, Osama
TO:All Cavemates
RE:The Cave

Hi guys.

We've all be putting
in long hours lately but we've really come together as a group and I love that.Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that
says There is no I in team as well as the one that
says Hang in there baby.That cat
is hilarious.

However, while we
are fighting a jihad, we cant forget to take care of the cave.Frankly, I have a few concerns.

First of all, while
its good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned
about the scorpions in our cave.Hey, you
dont want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily.I've posted a sign-up sheet at the main cave
opening.

Second, its
not often I make a video address, but when I do Im trying to scare the most powerful
country on earth, okay?That means that while
were taping please dont ride your razor scooters in the background just
while were taping.Thanks.

Third point, and
this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, were not supposed to shave our beards.But I need everyone to just think hygiene,
especially after mealtime.Were all in
this together.

Fourth, food.I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently and clearly
wrote Osama on the front and put it on the top shelf.Today my Cheez-Its were gone.Consideration, thats all Im saying.

Finally, we've heard
that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks.I want to set up patrols to look for them.The first patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul,
Akbar and Richard.

Love you lots.

Osama.

Rap

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch
is to art.

The US Air Force Aircraft
Discrepancy Report

This one has been floating around the net. It is a collection of
complaints about various aircraft submitted by U.S. Air Force pilots, and the replies to
those complaints from Air Force Mechanics. Each complaint in the log book must be followed
by the mechanics report and sign-off.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only person who understood the thing quit.)

All new.
(Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

No maintenance.
(Impossible to fix)

Low maintenance.
(Nearly impossible to fix)

E-mail me (or fax me) the data.
(I'm too lazy to write it down.)

The Bible
Has The Answers!

A
Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put
everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even
contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of
tears and woe.

When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach
chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the
Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.Open
the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on
a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer,
that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with
him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children
shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it
to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?"
he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

Roman
Catholic Boys & The Pope

There
were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled
each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born
in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their
senior year in High School.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became
priests. Their priestly careers have come to amaze the world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through
the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and
the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or
Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than
anyone expected smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had
chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy
Murphy had been elected Pope.

Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's
giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With a gall that shocked the
Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked,
"Why Timothy?"

After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply,
"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of
the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

All FBI
Agents Want Pizza

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San
Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing
thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery
service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation
took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the
hospital.

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them
locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: Yes.

Pizza Man: With guns?

Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service
entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: No f-in' way.

*Click*

Political Christmas Guide

Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."

When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.

Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.

Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor
lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's
lights.

Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure
they are seen.

Republicans wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.

Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters
about their families in their Christmas cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.

Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls."
Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a
Reindeer."
Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."

Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when
the lots lower their prices.
Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.

Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and
Indians."
Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.

Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa
Claus.
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.

Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

Christmas Downsizing

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early
reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will
be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer
dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order
catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit
further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese
sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered
at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no
discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition
still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible
language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from
substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull
his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and
taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole continue to
look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy
measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop
forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings
in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In
addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are
therefore eliminated.

[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.]

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, a call waiting
option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often
and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a
portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional
investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high
technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long
been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the
decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection
procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be
a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is
primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained
to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC.
A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider
this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the
maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as
these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international
air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten
out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are
significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too
big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will
produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other
expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days
is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the
legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to
stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the
Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

What goes around, comes
around baby!!!!!!

An Alleged True Story

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you
just need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you DON'T know!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I
found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin
Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that
rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number
still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more
answered, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk
drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call
him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always
cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment
for me; I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his
number, then heard his voice, "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. This is
the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're
familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and
slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're an asshole!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever
anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

Keep reading this, it gets better!

An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of the parking space.
I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started
to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room
to pull out. "Great", I thought, "she's finally leaving." All of a
sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and
pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I
was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping
center as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole, there
sure a lot of assholes in this world. Then I noticed he had a "For Sale"
sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone
after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" It's really easy
since I have his number on speed dial now!) I noticed the phone number of the guy
with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said,
"Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can
you tell me where I can see it?". "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street.
It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your
name?". "My name is Don Hansen". "When's a good time to catch
you, Don?". "I'm home in the evenings". "Listen Don, can I tell
you something?".

"Yes."

"Don, you're an asshole!" and I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a while
things seemed to be going much better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes
to call. Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it
just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and
came up with a solution:

Then I called asshole #2. He answered, "Hello?" I said, "Hello,
asshole!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are...." "You'll
what?" "I'll kick your ass." "Well, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now, asshole!" and I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West
34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole
thing. Glorious satisfaction! Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest
experiences of my life!

The story you have just read is true. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

New Golf Rules

A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South
Florida which will replace the traditional call of "FORE".

Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call "GORE" while the
ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it
again.

The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it
in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the
player can claim the hole.

This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair.

A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach
County Florida and the first hole only took 19 days to complete.

Why can't I win?
I want to have a new drawing of Wed. lottery tickets. Its not just the Florida
ballots....
I feel that a great injustice has happened to me in the past week!! I
played the Florida Lotto on Wednesday night November 8, 2000. I had every intention
of winning otherwise I would not have gone to the trouble of driving to the gas station to
purchase my ticket, however, it wasn't until after the drawing that I realized that I had
BY ACCIDENT filled in the wrong numbers on my lotto card.
Instead of picking the winning combination I somehow became confused and filled in
the WRONG NUMBERS!!! I will take action against the lottery commission seeking only
the amount of Wednesday's Jackpot. I will be retaining Johnny Cochran to
represent me in court and Jesse Jackson has agreed to handle all public relations
regarding this matter. If this has happened to anyone
else please e-mail me so that this grave injustice is corrected--

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!!!!!

There are several men in the locker room of a private club
after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings.
A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes,."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful
mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I
saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price
... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by
the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ...
it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of
park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the
bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and
asks to all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively
reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go
through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in
the country, he telephoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to
walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed
him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects
before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.

All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife
met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the
most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him
promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just
as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise
not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let
go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he
felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and
rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from
gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his
weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook,
the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise
of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then
fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating
the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his
hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing
for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he
had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!" To his
shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise
birthday party.

This is an actual case!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told
the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property
being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the
lawyer 3 months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented an application, we
must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back
to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear title back
to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case 189156 has been
received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered
by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country,
particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was
purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our
application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to land prior to
U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from
Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492
by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking
a new route to India by then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious
woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing
the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the
Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it
is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that
He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of
origin. I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our
loan?"

They got it.

Cost Effectively,

Charles A. Walsh

Traffic Ticket - I must have
been more on target than I thought!

On April 15, 2000 I sent out an email as part of my
Info-Tainment email list. Apparently there was more Info & Tainment to my email than I
ever imagined. Read the response sent to me by someone who apparently received this
message many generations later. You will find my reply to her email commentary immediately
following. Enjoy!

If You Get A Traffic Ticket

This has been tried and it works.....

I tried to send this to everyone I know. I know for a fact this works so if you ever
get in this situation, you have an out. This procedure works
in every state. Read it and try it, you have nothing to lose but the points on your
license. If you get a speeding ticket or went through a red light or
whatever the case may be, and you are going to get points on your license, then there is a
method to ensure that you DO NOT get any points.

When you get your fine, send in the check to pay for it and if the fine is say, $79, then
make the check out for $82 or some small amount over
the fine. The system will then have to send you back a check for the difference, but here
is the trick!
DO NOT CASH THE REFUND CHECK !!
Throw it away!! Points are not assessed to your license until all financial
transactions are complete. If you do not cash the check, then the
transactions are NOT complete. However, the system has gotten its money and is happy
and will not bother you anymore.
This information comes from an unmentionable computer company that sets up the standard
database used by each states DMV. Good luck!!!OR Go to court and fight the ticket... Your choice...

First of all, I just have to say you are surely not showing your intelligence very clearly
in the mass e-mail mailing I just received with
your name as the author of it. This email was regarding what to do to not get the
points put on your license if you get a traffic violation. What in your right or
left mind made you let out this information to such a large amount of people? If you
had the intelligence most do, you would think ahead and say to yourself, if this gets into
the wrong hands (such as the people whose computer systems we back up who handle the
tickets we send in) they would fix the problem and then this method would no longer work.
As my father is a Connecticut State Trooper, who has served for over 15 years in
the force, I have known this information for quite some time and have also had the smarts
to keep my mouth shut about it so as it would not fall into the wrong hands resulting in
the gliche in the computer system to be fixed so this method would no longer work.
I just must say thank you, for spreading around information like this in mass mailings who
you do not know half the people you are sending to.
You are really showing your true colors on this one, Mr. Megastar.

Caroline,

First of all you should get your facts straight. Anyone I sent the original email to is on
my list and I know these people. Wherever it goes from there is out of my hands. I am
quite sure that you are not on my mailing list. If you "have known this information
for quite some time" why haven't you fixed the problem. Or is this some sort of
secret information your type likes to keep to yourself. I wonder how often you have used
this system for your own personal gains. For some reason, you seem to be concerned that
the system may be repaired. Don't question my reason for making public information more
public. Look in the mirror and question your self-centered activities. Ah yes, that is the
methodology of you folks in Connecticut. Play politics and keep all of the quirks of the
system to yourself for your own personal gains. I sincerely hope they do "fix the
system" so your schemes will be put out of business.

I welcome your response but I doubt I will ever hear from you again. Hurry and pay last
weeks ticket. They may fix the system.

In my profession I have grown to always have the last word, although I do not have a lot
of time to waste on this immature little game of yours you incorporated by such a rude
response. First off, Mr. George Dorunda, there is no reason why I or anyone for that
matter should want this "gliche" fixed. When you get anything remotely
referred to as a "break" you take it George. The way our ill fouled
government runs things disgusts me and I take anything they give, whether it be known or
not, as I am sure you do, as do most Americans. I found it quite amusing that you refer to
me as a "type." Yes, George, I suppose I do fit into a bracket as an
Attorney, the "type" who locks your so-called "type" of non-attorney's
up. Also, the "self centered" comment was entirely wrong. I am an
individual to not pass judgement on other until having solid evidence to back up my
reasoning with. It comes with my profession, George. You, on the contrary, are
showing your immaturity by forming opinions based on your ignorance of the subject.
Do not pass judgment on me, Mr. George Dorunda, when I was simply questioning your
reasoning, which I did not expect to turn into anything.
And where is it documented that I agree with the Methodology of CT? How quirk of you
to assume such a thing. As I depart you and end this email, I also wanted to thank you,
for putting a smile on my face when you wrote "Hurry and pay last weeks ticket. They
may fix the system." With all seriousness, very humerous Mr. Dorunda.
Enjoy your day George, may you please have the decency to learn a little
about passing judgement on those who mean no wrong, as well.
Sincerely,
Caroline Andrukiewicz, Esq.

Caroline,

I am happy that you found the humor which is usually my goal. We obviously have a
difference of opinion but that is what America is all about. For the record, it is highly
unlikely that you will ever lock my so-called "type" up. At least not me
personally. Perhaps you should look less at the "seriousness" and more at the
"humorous" side of situations. You may find that you have a lot more in common
with those you think you disagree with. Plus, it keeps a smile on your face. I'm glad I
was able to do something
which affected you in a positive way.

Have a wonderful day,

George Dorunda (or as you refer to me as "Mr. Megastar"...I like that better)

Months Later... (This is the fictional part of the
comedy. This NOTICE is especially for the Attorney "types", some of whom may
find it difficult to distinguish between fact and fiction.)

I can see it now.
Newsflash- Lunch with the entertainment Greats raided by Conn State Police-

The CT. State Police in
conjunction with the Mass gang task force today raided a meeting of terrorists and
malcontents and charged many of the participants with crimes against the state. In a
statement prepared by Lt. Andrukiewicz of the Conn State Police we learned that the group
was under surveillance for some time. "These people are a threat to the fabric of our
society, luckily we learned of their activities before they could cause great
damage." When asked what the nature of the charges were the Lt. replied "That's
on a need to know basis". Witnesses to the raid said they thought at first that the
police were responding to a choking victim at the restaurant until they saw the swat team.
They observed several police struggling with some rather large men who were shouting jokes
as they were leading them to waiting paddy wagons. "It was the
weirdest thing I've ever seen" reported one of the workers at The Hometown
Buffet who complained that he had been roughed up by the police. "One minute I'm
serving hash browns and eggs, the next I'm looking down the barrel of a sub-machine gun. I
thought that it was just a former Shriners Clowns Club breakfast or something, not
terrorists". One of the accused was heard shouting "I'm a Megastar and damn
proud of it". When asked who this Megastar group was that no one seems to have heard
of before police replied " We have been watching them for some time now, they are a
dangerous group. The appropriate government agencies have been informed" The district
attorneys office also refused comment on the raid, claiming executive privilege.

Jesus & Finkelstein

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe.

After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor."

He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him which is a perfect fit.

When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No, no,
there's no charge.

But, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just
mention a little something about how your nice robe was made by Finkelstein the
Tailor."

Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he
preaches.

Some months later, he is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's
shop.

There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein.

"Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business," gushes
Finkelstein it is.

"Would you consider a partnership?"

"Sure," replies Jesus, "Jesus and Finkelstein it is."

"Uh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein and Jesus. After
all I am the craftsman."

The two of them debate this for some time.

Finally, they come to a compromise decision....

The new sign went up:Lord & Tailor.

Truth About Health & Fitness

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat
ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and
you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to
one, etc.

Q: I've heard
that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: How could
that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears
out eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live longer? That's like
saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a
nap.

Q: My
wife/girlfriend says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables.

A: Your wife just doesn't grasp
logistical efficiencies the way you do.

Look, what does a cow eat? Corn.
And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism
of delivering vegetables to your system.

Need grain?
Eat chicken.

Beef is also
a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of slop.

Q: At the
gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he
mean?

A: "Spotting"
for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted
practice at health clubs, though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're
going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: I'm
getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this?

A: Definitely
not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger, right? You should only be doing
sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: I thought
it would be good for me to carry my clubs when I play golf, but last weekend some idiot
almost ran over me with the golf cart!

Oil Change instructions for Do It Yourself Procedure:
1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty
litter,hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to
O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with
drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the
left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: $50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands: hey the colors have to match!!!
$1000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
______________
Total: $ 1350.00

You think a gallon of gasoline
is expensive?

Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 equals $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 equals $9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 equals $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16oz for $1.25 equals $10.00 per gallon
Pint of milk 16oz for $1.59 equals $12.72 per gallon
STP Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 equals $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 equals $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 equals $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 equals $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 equals $84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER......
Evian water 9oz for $1.49 equals $21.19 per gallon
$21.19 FOR WATER!!
You get the idea?? So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on
Nyquil, or Scope, or Whiteout!!!!

HOW TO BATHE A CAT1. Thoroughly clean the toilet, but not that clean.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may
need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for anything they can find.
The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from
your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a
"powerwash"and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people
between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will
dry himself.

Sincerely,

The Dog

St. Peter's Gate

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading
through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St.
Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name
written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies. "Why do you
ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my
death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your
copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," St. Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the
update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your
life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm... Well there was this one time when I
was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor
girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor
woman.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the
leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket
and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers
formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with
the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor
innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really
teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

Can you imagine working at the
following Company?

It has a little over 500 employees with the following
statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse

*7 have been arrested for fraud

*19 have been accused of writing bad checks

*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

*3 have been arrested for assault

*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

*8 have been arrested for shoplifting

*21 are current defendants in lawsuits

*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up?

It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually
cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an
hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space.

May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table, together with
your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead. You will find
the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much
more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights
work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen.

May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find your account is in order,
your money is still there and any mistakes are in your favor.

May you ponder on January 4th; How did this ultramodern civilization of ours manage to get
itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand.

May you have the strength to go through a year of presidential campaigning, and May some
of the promises made be kept. May you believe at least half of what the candidates
propose, and May those elected fulfill at least half of what they promise, and the miracle
of reducing taxes and balancing budgets happen.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, and May your
check book and your budget balance.

May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your
child, your parent; but not to your secretary, your nurse your masseuse, your hairdresser,
your White House Intern or your tennis instructor.

May we live as intended, in a world at peace and with an awareness of the beauty in every
sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile and every wonderful,
astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

A Politically Correct Holiday
Season......?

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most
joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, yet with respect for the
religious persuasions of others or their choice not to practice religion at all; and a
fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition
of the generally accepted calendar year, 1999, but not without due respect for the
calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to our society have helped make
America great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious or sexual preference of
the wishee.

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If
this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion
that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

(This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, it implies no promise by the
wishor to actually attempt to implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others.)

Three Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom
enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her
a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12
years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and
verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in
only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most
of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Christmas Carols with a
new Twist!

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and
Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
(and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Sven and Ole worked together, were both laid off, so off they went
to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and
said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked
up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week
unemployment pay.

Ole was next in line and goes in and sits down with the lady. She asked Ole his
occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. She looked it up and decided that
"diesel fitter" was a skilled job. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job the
clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.

When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and
co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained:
"When I looked it up, panty stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel
fitters were skilled laborers."

Most of us understand that our self worth and
feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different
aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is.
Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:

At age 4, success is not peeing in your
pants.

At age 17, success is "gettin a
little"

At age 25, success is graduation and a
wedding

At age 35, success is about career and family

At age 55, success is about graduations and
weddings

At age 65, success is about "gettin a
little"

At age 85, success is about not peeing in
your pants.

Bill Of Rights! George
Style!

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of
people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a New Bill of
Rights.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of
wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on
freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn
the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and
probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in
your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and
all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most
charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly
growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes
who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch
potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the
looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap,
rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see
you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or
coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us
get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a
big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have
one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of
the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself
useful.

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have
the right to pursue happiness -- which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered
by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill
of Rights.

Words Of Wisdom?

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

BUMPER STICKERS WE'D JUST
LOVE TO SEE

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.

Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Constipated people don't give a shit!!

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

Please tell your pants its not polite to point!

Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.

Ax me about Ebonics

CAT: The other white meat

USEFUL PHRASES AT
WORK

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Actual McDonald's Fast
Food Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at A
McDonald's fast-food establishment........And they hired him!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a
position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance
package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth. My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate
environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have
a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously
wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd
like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but
I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Always give 100% at
work.......

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
And remember .......
When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off,
remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.
Now get back to work.

What The Television
Production Terms REALLY Mean!

VIDEO

Pictures. Some pretty, some not -- It depends on how long the tape sat out of its case
in the empty McDonald's French fry bag on the front seat of the Shooter's car. Without
video television would be exactly like radio, except that on radio they sometimes stop
talking during the music.

AUDIO

Part of the television signal that no one cares about, but something has to accompany
the video.

PRODUCER

Someone who owns a digital stopwatch, but can't count backwards.

DIRECTOR

Someone who can count backwards from 3, but can't afford a digital stopwatch.

ARTIST

(1) What the director thinks he is.

(2) Anyone who understands that Pixels are not tiny little flying things with names
like Tinkerbell.

SCHMUCK

What everyone else thinks the director is.

EDITOR

(1) A piece of equipment with a lot of buttons which, when pushed, cause the device to
stop working at the most inopportune times.

(2) Someone who can make the most amount of words match up with the least amount of
video in the shortest possible amount of time. Usually looks 20 to 30 years older than he
is.

(3) Individual with the ability to create the
illusion that the talent can speak coherently.

ENGINEER

(1) In television, not much is known about them other than they work Monday through
Friday, 9 to 5, and are never around on weekends.

(2) Someone who drives a train.

SHOOTER

(1) The guy who sleeps in the storeroom.

(2) A disgruntled US Postal Service employee. (Less than 1% of USPS workers are
disgruntled. The rest are quite happily gruntled.)

CREW

(1) Type of haircut favored by engineers.

(2) The people who do the work for which the director and producer take all the
credit.

FLOOR MANAGER

A person who wears a headset while carrying a clipboard that holds the latest Racing
Form. Adept at wildly waving hands to signal Talent that something is about to happen, but
can't convey what it is.

GRIP

During a handshake, a firm one lets the other person know you're confident.

GAFFER

A person who purchases a lot of tape.

BEST BOY

What the man who stood up at your wedding was when he was young.

ASSISTANT

Anyone whose sole purpose is to tell the intern to run for more coffee.

INTERN

Anyone who (a) operates the studio camera or (b) runs for coffee when the Assistant
tells him to.

CONSULTANT

Someone who used to work in the industry, but found (s)he could make a lot more money
by designing sets and trying to change the Talent's on-air delivery.

CHYRON

Bastard child of the Apple ][computer, which puts letters and numbers on the screen.
Used to confuse viewers with misspelled words, and to distract them from noticing all the
dropout in the video.

SWITCHER

(1) Another piece of equipment with a lot of numbered buttons which, when pushed on
cue, cause the director to scream.

(2) The pretty-boy male news anchor's sexual preference.

SCOPE

(1) A green phosphorescent device used to lure and trap engineers.

(2) What Talent can be seen gargling with prior to doing an interview.

NEWS

(1) What viewers think they will receive after the next commercial.

(2) Water-cooler gossip about the Switcher's escapades the previous evening.

ANCHOR

(1) A very heavy metal thing designed to hold a boat in one place.

(2) The device that should be tied with a short rope to the Talent before they are
tossed overboard.

ENG CAMERA

A device used as a pillow during the Shooter's naps in the store room. When preparing
it for hand-held use, remember to first drink mass quantities of coffee, tea or Jolt Cola.

STUDIO CAMERA

Device normally operated by interns. (Remember: The end with the handles should be
toward you. The other end should be pointed at the set.)

TRANSMITTER

(1) A rather large box with meters. Standing too close for up to one hour will cause
your hair to fall out, leaving you with just enough for a crew cut. Standing too close for
more than one hour will turn you into an engineer.

(2) Someone who gives you a viral or bacterial gift.

STUDIO

A too small room with too many hot lights and too little air conditioning.

SET

Something for which consultants get paid a lot of money to design (but not build).
Sets must be changed every six months or so.

TAKES

(1) What the station owner does with all the money to cover the massive debt load.

(2) The exorbitant number of times it takes the director to get something right.

TALENT

What everyone has except the people in front of the camera.

MICROPHONE

What the talent always forgets to put on until the Floor Manager is counting
backwards.

MIC (pronounced Mike)

(1) Abbreviation for Microphone

(2) What you NEVER call a director whose name is Michael.

TAPE

(1) Black or brown stuff that resembles film, except you can't see through it. Works
best when left on the dashboard of the Shooter's car on a hot day in August.

(2) Stuff that holds the set together.

DROPOUT

(1) What the director did when he was sixteen.

(2) Schmotz in the picture that occurs when a tape saturated in McDonald's French fry
grease is played back.

COMMERCIALS

The main reason for the existence of television.

PROGRAMMING

Material to fill the time between the commercials.

TRAFFIC

(1) The department in a television station responsible for inserting "just one
more" commercial per hour.

(2) The Shooter's favorite excuse for not getting back to the station in time to air
the feature.

"THE GOOD OLD DAYS"

Still around in this business.

Rules Women Need to Know

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the
perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to
hear.

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics
as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different; it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not a sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're
bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at
choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become
null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap
opera guys.

31. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad
and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having
their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look
jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going
out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.

Chemistry

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEMS MATERIAL SAFETY -
DATA SHEET
"W O M A N" - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 118 lbs. but known to vary from 100 to 500 LB
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas with trace elements in most others.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface is usually covered in a powder or painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, Freezes for no reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied gently to selected points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and most precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without warning for no reason.
4. Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water.
5. Activity greatly increases with saturation in alcohol.
6. Most Powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental - especially in sports cars.
2. Can be great aid to relaxation.
TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when discovered in its natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Possession of more than one are considered illegal.

Has anyone ever observed that some people who appear to be
intelligently deprived, often end up in very high places with gobs and gobs of cash, and
then subsequently shake your head in bewilderment asking yourself...how??...Why?? Well,
there is a mathematical explanation for this rather common occurrence as indicated by the
below algebraic derivation.

1. Knowledge = Power (Proverbial expression)

2. Time = Money (Proverbial expression)

3. Power = Work / Time (Physical equation)

Substituting knowledge for power

4. Knowledge = Work / Time

Substituting money for time

5. Knowledge = Work / Money

Solving for money

6. Money = Work / Knowledge

As money approaches infinity, knowledge approaches 0. Therefore, THE LESS YOU KNOW, THE
MORE MONEY YOU WILL HAVE, REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH WORK YOU DO!!

There you have it. Maybe we should just all go out and drink some beers.

The Truth about Fur
Haters!

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because
it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs!

GOD AND THE GOVERNMENT

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he
was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement.
He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and
Desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first
place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know
how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?
God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted
provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of
fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the
light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and
the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in
semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed."

The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring
forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated
with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days.
Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the
environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there
would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell.

THE POPE & JACK
NICKLAUS

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a
proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said
one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are
superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he
had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack
Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and
agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the
outcome of the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon
Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

FOUL MOUTHED PARROT

There was this quiet, conservative man who happened to own a
parrot. Unfortunately for the man, this parrot swore like a sailor. He would swear for
five minutes straight without repeating himself. This bird's foul mouth was driving the
man crazy. One day, it just got to be too much.

The guy grabbed the bird by the neck, shook him really hard, and yelled "QUIT
IT!" But this just made the bird mad and he would start swearing even more.

The guy finally got fed up and said, "OK for you" and locked the bird in a
kitchen cabinet. This only aggravated the parrot who continued to claw and scratch the
cabinet while he cursed even louder than before with a stream of swearing that would make
a sailor blush.

At that point the guy became so mad that he threw the parrot into the freezer!

For the first few seconds the bird started swearing at words at the top of his lungs.

He kicked and clawed and thrashed all about the place. Then it suddenly became VERY
quiet. At first the guy just waited, but then he started to think that the bird might be
hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he became so worried that he opened the freezer
door. The bird calmly climbed on the man's out-stretched arm and said, "Awfully sorry
about all the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now
on."

The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that had come over the
parrot.

Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

THE MAGICIAN AND THE
PARROT

A magician was performing on a cruise ship. He had a 3-year
contract with this cruise line and was assigned to this ship for the duration. Every night
he gave 2 performances of his act to a full house of magic enthusiasts. Attending every
performance was a parrot owned by the Captain of the ship.

After watching the magician's act night after night after night, the parrot was able to
figure out how the magician did each of his tricks. The parrot would then heckle the
magician by revealing how each trick was done before the magician could complete each
trick. The parrot would say things like, "under the other table," and,
"that's not the same box." The magician was extremely irritated but couldn't do
anything because this was the Captain's prize parrot.

A few weeks later there was a terrible storm and the cruise ship sank. The magician
found himself afloat in the middle of the ocean on a piece of driftwood with, yes; you've
guessed it, the parrot. The parrot didn't say a word as they both stared at each other for
days.

After several days the parrot finally spoke. He said, "OK, I give up. Where's the
ship."

JESUS IS WATCHING YOU

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought
was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a
loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you."

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around.
In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot:

"What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot
named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

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