Monday, January 14, 2013

Like Clarice, I find myself feeling a little more alienated from mainstream “culture” with each passing year.

Take the self-adulation orgy of the Golden Globes for example. It’s an American production (NBC) of an American Movie/TV Awards show, yet the winners are chosen by…the Hollywood Foreign Press Association? Only in America.

Last night’s telecast of the awards was, well, Les Miserables. I missed Ricky Gervais. His irreverent, non-partisan assaults lobbed in all quarters made heads explode. I guess the studio bosses and their hired hands didn’t find that as entertaining as I did. So this year we got NBC’s dream team: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler:

Some people found them amusing, butt not me, so let’s get on with this year’s winners/losers in both the film and fashion categories.

In the “sure bets” category:

Julianne Moore, for Best Actress in a TV movie making Sarah Palin out to be a dangerous idiot and tool of the religious right.

Lena Dunham, for her role in a TV show called the “Girls” – although it is debatable if the DNA tests would support that assertion.

She of course is best known for her “Obama Girl” ad in which she solicited votes for Big Guy by comparing voting to losing your virginity. In some ways, it has begun to seem something like that.

“You want to do it with a great guy.”

Claire Dane. Yay! She won for fighting Muslims terrorists in Homeland. How did that happen?

When Ms. Dane concluded her acceptance speech with an exhortation to continue the fight against terrorism, the crowd fell uncharacteristically silent; undoubtedly overcome by the novelty of the notion.

I interrupt the list of winners here to insert a fashion award: for biggest dress. It was a tie:

Lucy Liu’s gown looks like it’s inspiration was “Scarlet O’Hara meets Lady M’s shower curtain” and Halle Berry’s appeared to be some kind of an Angela Joli style membrane dress.

Back to the film winners:

Best self-portrayal of a former U.S. President (Lincoln) by a former U.S. President: Bill Clinton! Who else? Big Guy wasn’t eligible, as he’s not a former U.S. President yet.

And Bubba showed up to accept his award in person, salute Stephen Spielberg and wow the crowd of Clintonistas.

Note: the old man’s still got it. His surprise appearance pulled a standing O from the Hollywood crowd, who remains in awe of Slick Willie’s command of the acting skills.

The O-girl appears orgasmic at Bubba’s appearance: apparently her first time.

"It was almost like a sitcom, the way we lived in the 70s," said Tarantino, who added that his mom's boyfriends would take him to blaxplotation movies. "Because she was in her 20s, she was hot, alright, she was a hot white girl and her best friend named Jackie was a hot black girl and her other best friend, Lillian, was a hot Mexican girl. And they lived in this swinging singles apartment with me."

Well, no wonder he gets to use the “N-word” extensively – he’s practically as black as Big Guy!

And yes, Jodi Foster won the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award. And yes she does make 50 look like the new 18:

And yes, even though she really IS smart, her speech sounded like something from a B movie. She may have come out, she may have retired, she may have pleaded for more privacy for the gliterati (I’m all in favor of that! No more People magazine, TMZ or E-TeeVee…). Whatever she said, it didn’t matter. The paparazzi was only concerned with whether she was ready for Mr. DeMille’s close-up. She was.

I don’t know what she’s taking, butt to quote the lady from the diner in When Harry Met Sally, “I’ll have whatever she’s having.”

Another frock break from the awards:

The good, bad and ugly – red division:

The good, bad and ugly - the black division I:

good, bad and ugly – neutral division:

Good, bad and ugly – black division II:

The very good, the as good as it gets for Lena and the ugly – plum division:

And finally, in a stunning turn of events, Argo and Zero Dark Thirty, two movies with an uncharacteristic pro-American tilt, walked away with awards, leaving the Hollywood cognizanti scratching their heads in wonder.

Unfortunately, the anti-American crowd did manage to infiltrate the ranks of Jessica Chastain’s - Zero Dark Thirty star – stylists. As a result, she also took last night’s prize for both worst dress and worst hair.

I swear, if I ever find out that my evil cousin, Wanda,

Wanda, the Wicked Mirror of the West

who went to Hollywood years ago to “make her mark” had anything to do with this act of sabotage there will be repercussions.