In a show of unprecedented hypocrisy, the USA is to charge Chinese military officials with stealing data. The US, who probably have someone looking at you through your window right now, are appalled at the audacity of a secretive, government-sponsored agency eavesdropping on their information.

They are hoping to extradite the entire Chinese government to face charges, and they do not envisage facing any diplomatic issues in doing so. Attorney General Eric Holder announced, ‘We, as a nation, are sick and tired of the Chinese parading around the world, obtaining secret information and doing with that information as they see fit. We have a God-given right to privacy, I’m sure the Constitution probably says that, or maybe the Ten Commandments. We only ever covertly obtained information out of nosiness and an altruistic sense of global duty, like reading your kid’s diary to see if they are being bullied.’

To show how serious they are, the US Justice Department have released old fashioned style ‘wanted’ posters to be distributed in saloons throughout the country. The Republican and Tea parties have expressed concerns about the potential effectiveness of the posters, as the Chinese ‘all look the same to them.’