Our new National Animal?

For much too long we have had the springbok as our national animal. Having changed most of our town, street, and place names, the government should now consider culling the springbok.

To some of our citizens, the springbok still remains a symbol of the previous regime. Now, like the Israelites of the Old Testament – who erased all signs of the existence of their enemies once they have conquered them – the ANC-government seems hell-bent on removing all symbols, names, systems, statues, statutes, and records of their enemies who ruled this country before them. In the process they are also destroying our history, which belongs to all of us, but this does not seem to bother them.

The national flag, national anthem, and coat of arms, were all changed with the usual murmurs and discord; but, except for the fact that no one is able pronounce the motto on the coat of arms: “!ke e:/xarra//ke,” the changes did not lead to civil war or major unrest. (Pronounced: “exclamationmarkkayee eecolonfront slashxarrafrontslashfrontslashkayee.” Remember to click your tongue while slashing to the front.)

Note: There is still some dispute over the meaning of “!ke e:/xarra//ke.” Some researchers seem to think that it was written by a member of the Khoisan – whose computer keyboard went haywire. Anthropologists, however, postulate that it originates from an ancient e-mail address that was found, carved on the wall of a cave, in the Kalahari.

Be that as it may, the government maintains that the language belongs to the /Xam people and is supposed to mean: “Unity is unity, and diversity is diversity, and never the twain shall meet” – or some such gobbledygook.

Now, as to our current national animal, Antidorcas marsupialis; known as the common springbok to us uneducated peasants. Ask yourself: Which animal should replace this outdated little biltong producer? Why, Equus mulus, of course! The mule!

Most South Africans already seem to love mules. This is based on the amount of compassion, sympathy, and condolences from the general public, whenever one of our poor little innocent mules are detained, arrested, or executed by those bloody heartless foreigners who do not want to accept our bribes.

Also, it is a fact that a mule is a politically correct animal – having different characteristics than that of either of its parents.

A mule does not sound exactly like a donkey or a horse. Instead, a mule makes a sound that is similar to a donkey; but also has the whinnying characteristics of a horse (often starts with a whinny, ends in a hee-haw). Sometimes, mules whimper.

(Sorry, I got carried away – started describing a certain chap who got all dressed up in a purple suit to go to a wedding.)

Our mules are already working all over the world (China, Thailand, Mozambique, Nigeria, Malaysia, Brazil, Norway, etc, etc.) and are widely renown for their greed, slyness and innovative ideas. Some mules keep their handbags tightly closed; claiming diplomatic immunity, and refuse to be searched; while others, when caught, will refuse divulge the names of their hairdressers.

Speaking of dreadlocks:

Cannabis sativa has long been our unofficial national plant. Dagga has become the weed of choice for many South Africans – who proudly display pictures of their favourite smoke (the green, five leaved sticker) next to the national flag on their cars, on T-shirts, and baseball caps. At soccer matches the spectators sometimes complain that they find it difficult, if not impossible, to see the game because of the heavy marijuana smoke drifting amongst the fans. But at least they all leave the game smiling, even when Bafana loses – as usual.

While we’re at it, maybe we should also change the national anthem. How about the old Tennessee Ernie Ford song: “Mule Train.” Sort of rhymes nicely with the Gautrain, don’t you think?

Or maybe the Toby Keith and Scott Emerik song, dedicated to that other Nelson: “I’ll Never Smoke Weed with Willie Again.”

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