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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I know...it's been a long time since I posted on this blog. Once I was no longer in rage mode of my recovery, my writing just didn't fit for this blog. However, I know that it helps a lot of readers and I will make a point to come back and write more often about the private side of this personal struggle.

It's going on a year and half since I found out and about two years since the affair started. Today, my husband's aunt said, "I am so glad you guys are doing so well." She then proceeded to tell me about how hard it is to forgive and forget. All I could get thinking was how she was so sure that I have forgiven and forgotten. Then I couldn't help but think that I couldn't believe that she was bringing this up to me. See, we haven't seen her since the affair broke out...so she thought we were still in some chaotic mess of a marriage.

Behind closed doors, we were discussing how I wish he would stop doing some sexual things that I know he got from the affair. He refuses to admit that he did get it from the affair but yet he never did it before her and has done it ever since her.

Mind you, I can talk about this stuff without batting an eye lash now. I used to be full of rage and cry about it. I know talk about it as a fact and have no problems with it. I am in a place of acceptance. I am very strong now with it. I know what I want and what I don't want. I can voice that too. Something I could never do.

Anyway, my husband on the other hand continues to carry a lot of guilt over the affair. He has many anxiety attacks over it and when I bring up things like how I wish he he wouldn't kiss my ear because I know he got that from her - he immediately get's really anxious and is stricken with a sense of utter devastation. He denies it..crumbles...I let him go into his hole of "I want to die" and when he emerges ...we move on to the next thing.

I'll tell you...it's not easy. It's the hardest thing ever. My heart drops every time I hear about someone who is going through what I have gone through and what I am going through. Since I am a counselor, I have started focusing a program that helps wives whose husbands have cheated and trying to save their relationships with their husbands. I am not ready to disclose that here because I have divulged a lot on this blog through my rage. Maybe something I would like to share this...because many of these posts are real raw emotions. They are helpful to those in the beginning stages of recovery. But right now, is not the right time.

As far as the wedding rings - which is the most poplar post here - I still do not wear one and VOW never to wear one again. I look at them and like them but I have no faith in marriage. I have faith in relationships.

Okay, so check back. I will keep you posted more and give you some back information. Feel free to post your experiences... Oh and if you are really curious about my program for affair recovery - email me or comment here and I can share it privately with you.

Stay strong everyone... because it will make you strong... It did for me.