Guilt Quiz & Guilt Level Chart: Tools for the Guilted Age

Now that the properly conditioned guilt-ridden voters have elected the first Certified-Oppressed-Minority™ president, America has officially entered a new Guilted Age. The Guilted Age is similar to the Gilded Age, only instead of being motivated by the acquisition of gold, the nation is motivated by the distribution of Guilt™.

A guilty electorate is a less demanding electorate: beggars are not choosers. Collective remorse makes the masses more malleable. Workers toil harder for less pay and donate surpluses to progressive causes within the hope that it would offset their culpability for having the wrong color, ethnicity, religion, zip code, profession, hobbies, vehicles, grocery bags, communing and shopping patterns, taste in food, living standard higher than in Zimbabwe, and exhaling the CO2 while breathing.

~

The pursuit of happiness in the Guilted Age becomes to mean this: the stronger your guilt, the happier you are to give your stuff to us. We call it Sharing™.

We don't believe in chance, that's why we are disposing of capitalism. We can't leave Guilt™ to chance either - it is a fickle sentiment and, therefore, it must be systematically reinforced and replenished. In order to support a massive guilt-fueled American economy, both Guilt™ and Sharing™ must be institutionalized and managed in a planned, scientific manner from a central location by experienced professionals.

To rule over the guilt-driven nation more efficiently, the Obama administration needs to create the US Department of Guilt - a government agency intended to stimulate and enhance guilt complexes among the population through coordinated guilt-inducing campaigns in the media, entertainment, and public education.

Guilt czar is to be selected from among the best professional guilt trippers on the raster of Socialist International, to oversee the proper distribution of Guilt™ among all Americans in accordance with assigned quotas (see diagram below). Guilt czar will steer and support the transition from Conspicuous Consumption™ of the Gilded Age to Conspicuous Compassion™ of the Guilted Age, as mandated by government edict.

To this end scientists at Karl Marx Treatment Center developed the following Progressive Guilt Quiz. It is to be taken by all Americans at the start of each fiscal year, to estimate their position in the Guilt™ hierarchy. The level of Guilt™ they are required to feel is directly proportional to the money they are required to Share™ with the Party and its organs in order to receive their annual Guilt™ Offsets.

Progressive Guilt Quiz

INTERPRETING
THE RESULTS: Find your number in the Guilt™ hierarchy

+551 to +800 Guilt points = Non-person

You and your life's work are barred from being mentioned in media publications. Ineligible for re-education. After the Revolution subject to Revolutionary Tribunal Che Guevara style (shot in the head without trial). Everyone you ever came in contact with has been contaminated and is therefore also guilty. We will find them, too. You are all incorrigible corporate war-mongering Zionist terrorists; the people will continue to resist your capitalist attacks by any and all means.

+301 to +550 Guilt points = Patriarchal chauvinistic war profiteer

You are an unfeeling tool of the capitalist class and a menace to the state. Barred from working in educational, media, or entertainment industries. Not qualified for government grants or any other public assistance. Re-education strongly advised. After the Revolution you and your family will be arrested and relocated to a place where The People's Scientists will remove your guilt.

+101 to +300 Guilt points = Selfish capitalist pig

The only way for you to redeem your existence and feel better about yourself is to donate the amount that matches your score to the People's Cube. Donations are to be made here (link to PayPal). Print out and show the receipt to your local Kommissar. After the Revolution one receipt will be redeemable for one Get Out of Gulag coupon. Not for sale. Not transferable to family members. Violators shall be subject to Revolutionary Tribunal Che Guevara style.

+100 to -200 Guilt points = Moderate centrist

You are neutral, neither good nor bad, but only one who arouses suspicion. Expect to be placed under continuous surveillance. Eligible to work in the media but only as a token "conservative commentator." Grants or any assistance from the government and charitable institutions denied.

-201 to to -400 Guilt points = Idealistic progressive

Entitled to government grants and promotion within the administrative hierarchy. Recommended for media appearances and awards. As a trusted member of the community you will be placed on only intermittent surveillance. We will count on you to provide us with useful information on your neighbors, co-workers, friends, and family.

The sense of entitlement is strong within you, comrade! Indeed, you are qualified for public assistance in the amount that matches your score. Print out your score and bring it to the local Kommissariat to redeem for one of the following: (A) free NPR broadcast by members of Media Workers Union, (B) free indoctrination by members of Teachers Union, or (C) free entertainment by the best state-sponsored members of Artists Union who will place a cult object of your choice into a bucket of urine.

-601 to -800 Guilt points = Hero of the Revolution

Qualified for a position of a media darling, most-talked-about celebrity, the sexiest man / woman / transgendered person alive, and positive role model for the young generation. Entitled to winning national and international prizes in the field of the Party's choosing - from Oscar, Nobel, Pulitzer, Emmy, and Golden Globes to the prestigious "Pinky's Beet of the Week at the People's Cube Award and Bumper Sticker."

-801 to -900 Guilt points = Protector of The People

Congratulations, Comrade! The People welcome you as an Ultimate Guiltless Member of Society! Call the Obama Administration and tell them you are entitled to leadership positions inside the government, non-profit, and community organizations, as well as subservient media, educational, or entertainment branches.

Your level of Guilt™ is calculated in Guilt points. Print out the result and staple it to your government-issued ID card. If requested, present it to the arresting ACLU officer.

1. What is your income?

Between $20G and $1M

+50 Guilt points

Less than $20G

0 Guilt points

On welfare

-10 Guilt points

Incarcerated

-15 Guilt points

Community organizer

-50 Guilt points

2. Have you ever reported anyone to the IRS?

No

+10 Guilt points

Yes, an acquaintance

-5 Guilt points

Yes, a friend

-10 Guilt points

Yes, a parent

-20 Guilt points

3. What is your gender?

Male

+10 Guilt points

Female

+5 Guilt points

Transgender

0 Guilt points

4. Your ethnicity is...

White

+10 Guilt points

All other

0 Guilt points and skip the next question

5. How many diverse (i.e., non-white) friends do you have?

None

+10 Guilt points

1

- 50 Guilt points

6 or more

-10 Guilt points

6. Does a person's ethnicity or race influence whether they will be your friend?

No, I am color-blind and judge people as individuals

+20 Guilt points

I try to ignore their race, but if I do have Diverse Friend, I will brag about it

0 Guilt points

I actively seek Friends of Diversity; it makes me a complete human being

-5 Guilt points

I only associate with Diverse races; to behave otherwise is inhuman

-10 Guilt points

7.Where do you live?

I own a house

+30 Guilt points

I live in an apartment

+20 Guilt points

I live in Mom's basement

+5 Guilt points

I live in Mom's rent-controlled apartment

0 Guilt points

I share an apartment with another family

-10 points for each family

State penitentiary

-30 Guilt points

8. What percentage of your net income do you donate to the Democratic Party and affiliated groups?

<25%

0 Guilt points

25% - 50%

-5 Guilt points

51% - 99%

-10 Guilt points

100%

Purity: -75 Guilt points

9. Your 17-year old son announces he is gay. Do you immediately...

Pray for his salvation

+15 Guilt points

Accept it with some reservation

+10 Guilt points

Accept it as natural and move on

+5 Guilt points

Celebrate

-5 Guilt points

Call a lawyer to file some discrimination suits

-10 Guilt points

10. How would you react if your daughter came home wearing a burqa?

I would explain that she is wearing a garment associated with religious fanaticism

+10

I would be relieved that at least she won't get pregnant

+5

I would beam with pride, knowing that she has embraced a diverse multicultural lifestyle

- 5

11. Which of the following do you regularly purchase used?

Books

0 Guilt points

Outer wear

0 Guilt points

Socks

-5 Guilt points

Underwear

-10 Guilt points

Hypodermic needles

-15 Guilt points

Condoms

-20 Guilt points

12. What is your religious belief?

Christian

+15 Guilt points

Jewish

+5 Guilt points

Unitarian Universalist

0 Guilt points

Atheist

-5 Guilt points

New Age

-10 Guilt points

Muslim

-15 Guilt points

13. Of the following people, whom do you respect the most?

George W. Bush

+100 Guilt points

Ayn Rand

+75 Guilt points

Ronald Reagan

+50 Guilt points

Thomas Jefferson

+25 Guilt points

Clarence Thomas

+20 Guilt points

Christopher Columbus

+15 Guilt points

Nelson Mandela

0 Guilt points

Josef Stalin

-10 Guilt points

George Soros

-15 Guilt points

Michael Moore

-20 Guilt points

Saddam Hussein

-25 Guilt points

Barack Hussein Obama

-30 Guilt points

Che Guevara

-40 Guilt points

Muntadhar al-Zaidi the Shoe Thrower

-50 Guilt points

14. Which flag do you display at your house?

Confederate

+30 Guilt points

American

+15 Guilt points

Cuban

+10 Guilt points

Any other Caribbean

0 Guilt points

Rainbow

-5 Guilt points

Anything with a crescent

-10 Guilt points

CCCP

-15 Guilt points

American flag, but upside-down

-30 Guilt points

That new American flag with Obama's picture on it

-50 Guilt points

15. What contraceptive do you use?

I practice abstinence

+25 Guilt points

I collect condoms distributed by the Metropolitan Transit Authority

+5 Guilt points

I had myself sterilized to save the planet from overpopulation

0 Guilt points

I plan to kill myself to save the planet from overpopulation

-10 Guilt points

I don't. But the government should pay me every time I have a kid, since I can't keep track of all their fathers to collect child support

-25 Guilt points

I have a monthly standing appointment at the local abortion clinic

-50 Guilt points

16. The attacks of 9/11 were the fault of:

Fanatic Muslims intent on murdering non-believers

+20 Guilt points

President Clinton: He was banging Monica instead of Al Qaeda

+20 Guilt points

Terrorists, ambiguous terrorists

+5 Guilt points

Me, you, and everyone else who was insensitive to the grievances of People of Diversity

-5 Guilt points

The 3000 Little Eichmanns who reported to the World Trade Center that day, and the 1000 Zionists who stayed home

-10 Guilt points

The Government. The whole thing was staged with holograms from giant projectors made invisible by cloaking devices

+25 Guilt points

What attacks?

+35 Guilt points

Are you kidding? George W. Bush, of course!

-50 Guilt points

17. The news media needs to run photos/video of the following more often, lest we forget our real enemy and what America has at stake:

The WTC on 9/11

+50 Guilt points

Muslim terrorists threatening to kill blindfolded U.S. hostages

+25 Guilt points

Israeli children injured by Palestinian bomb attacks

+10 Guilt points

Palestinian children injured by Israeli attacks

-10 Guilt points

Tina Fey doing her Sarah Palin impression

-20 Guilt points

Guantanamo Bay detainees in black hoods and orange jumpsuits

-30 Guilt points

Naked Abu Ghraib prisoners

-40 Guilt points

Injured, beat up Iraqis. Footage doesn't have to be from the Iraq War, so long as viewers think U.S. troops are responsible

-50 Guilt points

18. My favorite place to protest and do sit-ins, lie-ins, die-ins and pee-ins, etc:

Abortion clinic

+20 Guilt points

I don't do sit-ins, lie-ins, die-ins and pee-ins

+10 Guilt points

Fast food restaurant

-10 Guilt points

Military recruiting office

-25 Guilt points

Wherever two or more conservatives are gathered

-50 Guilt points

19. You discover a dead rat in your basement. What do you do with it?

I do not live in a neighborhood with rats

+10 Guilt points

Throw it out

+5 Guilt points

"Hey kids! Chicken nuggets for dinner tonight!"

-10 Guilt points

Smear its blood on the wall of my nearest corporate office park

-20 Guilt points

Have my friends over and take turns throwing it at a picture of George W. Bush

-35 Guilt points

Throw it at George W. Bush

-50 Guilt points

20. Which is your favorite form of relaxation?

Spending time with my family

+25 Guilt points

Hunting

+15 Guilt points

Watching a ballgame

+10 Guilt points

Nature walks

0 Guilt points

Group therapy to relieve collective guilt

-5 Guilt points

Protesting oil wars in front of my nearest Citibank

-15 Guilt points

Tossing shoes at the portrait of George W. Bush

-20 Guilt points

21. Where did you spend your last vacation?

Church trip to the Holy Land

+15 Guilt points

Touring the USA

+10 Guilt points

Touring France

0 Guilt points

Agitating for Revolution in Central America

-10 Guilt points

Lying in front of Zionist bulldozers in the Gaza Strip

-25 Guilt points

22. Which is your preferred place to shop for groceries?

Wal-Mart

+15 Guilt points

A food co-op

-5 Guilt points

Local food pantry

-5 Guilt points

Dumpster diving

-10 Guilt points

23. What car do you drive?

SUV

+30 Guilt points

Family car

+20 Guilt points

I rent Zipcars

+5 Guilt points

I only use public transportation

0 Guilt points

I transport my belongings in a shopping cart (Lumpenwagon)

-20 Guilt points

24. What is the capacity of your toilet tank?

5 Gallons

+10 Guilt points

3 Gallon

+5 Guilt points

1 Gallon

0 Guilt points

No water - I just "go" in the street

-5 Guilt points

No water - I use a neighbor's lawn to be eco-friendly to the grass

-10 Guilt points

25. Do you recycle?

Never

+20 Guilt points

Yes, newspapers and bottles

0 Guilt points

Yes, and I reuse paper cups and plates

-5 Guilt points

Yes, and I reuse toilet paper

-10 Guilt points

Toilet paper is a waste of precious resources; I use my bare hand

-15 Guilt points

SUBRACT AN ADDITIONAL 10 POINTS IF YOU CHECKED THE LAST ANSWERS
TO BOTH OF THE PREVIOUS TWO QUESTIONS

26. What is your preferred energy source?

Nuclear power

+50 Guilt points

Oil

+40 Guilt points

Coal

+30 Guilt points

Wind

0 Guilt points

Solar

-5 Guilt points

Ethanol/corncobs

-25 Guilt points

Hiring an Undocumented-American to pedal an old exercise bike jerry-rigged to a generator

-50 Guilt points

27. You're behind the wheel of your BMW, waiting for the green arrow so you can turn left into Starbucks for your latte, when you see a homeless person on the median with a crudely lettered cardboard sign asking for help. What do you do?

Ignore him

+25 Guilt points

Give him whatever change I have handy

0 Guilt points

I take him home for dinner and plead with my father to give him a job in his shop

-25
(+5 if you have to promise Daddy
this will be "the last time")

Nothing. Instead, I go home to my parents' $450,000 McMansion, where I write in my blog, lamenting his predicament and the government's failure to fund programs that will get him out of it

-50 Guilt points

28. You're out there making a Difference™, raising Awareness™, and showing how much you Care™ by doing the following:

Taking responsibility for my life

+50 Guilt points

Voting

+25 Guilt points

Participating in marches and demonstrations

0 Guilt points

Buying up carbon credits

-5 Guilt points

Dressing up in costume and pretending to be Gitmo prisoners or dead soldiers

-10 Guilt points

Baring my genitals in public to protest war and violence

-15 Guilt points

Burning and stomping on the U.S. flag

-30 Guilt points

Wearing colored wristbands and awareness ribbons

-40 Guilt points

Traveling the world in my Gulfstream jet and air conditioned limo, pontificating to others on how to live, which isn't how I live. Yes, I feel guilty about that; I despise my lifestyle and the wealth required to maintain it, but it's necessary to raise awareness among the masses. It doesn't help that people like you keep pointing out the so-called hypocrisy. It's easy to just stand around and criticize. AT LEAST I CARE!

-50 Guilt points

29. If your home is invaded by a burglar, how would you most likely respond?

I would aim for the head

+20 Guilt points

I would try to call 911

+10 Guilt points

I would try to understand his innermost feelings

0 Guilt points

I would let him know that his predicament is all my fault

-5 Guilt points

I would offer to join him if we go after the neighborhood Republicans, who are really at fault

-10 Guilt points

30. You believe that socialism is...

The utopian ideology of forced collectivism, where individuals exist only to serve the abstract "common good". It has resulted in poverty, slavery, famines, and genocide - and is accountable for over 150,000,000 murders in the 20th Century

+50 Guilt points

Something that appeals to angry people with intellectual affectations, who never seem to have real jobs or the ability to properly groom/cut/wash body hair

+30 Guilt points

Something all my professors talked about in college whose meaning I forgot after I took the final exam

+10 Guilt points

An idealistic system of fairness, equity, and social justice that has been flawed in practice because it has never, in a hundred years, been given a chance to work properly

0 Guilt points

A movement that has time and again, through resistance and struggle, solved the problems of poverty, racism, ignorance, illiteracy, worker exploitation, inequality, American imperialism, Zionist colonialism, and capitalist oppression

The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand

Ex-president Obama declares Irma "Hurricane of Peace," urges not to jump to conclusions and succumb to stormophobia

CNN: Trump reverses Obama's executive order banning hurricanes

ISIS claims responsibility for a total solar eclipse over the lands of American crusaders and nonbelievers

When asked if they could point to North Korea on a map many college students didn't know what a map was

CNN: We must bring America into the 21st century by replacing the 18th century Constitution with 19th century poetry

Pelosi: 'We have to impeach the president in order to find out what we impeached him for'

BREAKING: As of Saturday July 8, 2017, all of Earth's ecosystems have shut down as per Prince Charles's super scientific pronouncement made 96 months ago. Everything is dead. All is lost. Life on Earth is no more.

DNC to pick new election slogan out of four finalists: 'Give us more government or everyone dies,' 'Vote for Democrats or everyone dies,' 'Impeach Trump or everyone dies,' 'Stop the fearmongering or everyone dies'

Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power" is humanity's last chance to save the Earth before it ends five years ago

Experts: The more we embrace diversity the more everything is the same

Study: Many non-voters still undecided on how they're not going to vote

The Evolution of Dissent: on November 8th the nation is to decide whether dissent will stop being racist and become sexist - or it will once again be patrioticÂ as it was for 8 years under George W. Bush

Venezuela solves starvation problem by making it mandatory to buy food

China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices"

Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'

Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1%

America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith

Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #DontHoldUpTheLine

Hillary: DELETE is the new RESET

Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths

Russia sends 'reset' button back to Hillary: 'You need it now more than we do'

Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State

President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise