Q & A for Teens: Mom, You Talk Too Much

My teenaged son says I talk too much. How do I know if he’s right?

I’m not a teenager, but I have a teenaged son, so I wanted to ask your advice. My son tells me I talk too much. How do I know if he’s right or not?

Lauren Roth's Answer

Yes, dear readers, this was an actual question, asked to me by an actual teenager’s mother. She gave me permission to share her question with all of you, so that you can be privy to the important answer.

The tension between deciding what to think for ourselves and when to listen to others comprises the beautiful cognitive process of “Being a Human Being.” What I mean is this: we are fully and completely human and alive by virtue of the fact that we are constantly engaged in this process of balancing our own thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and preferences with the thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and preferences of other people.

If someone tells us, “You’re being mean,” “You’re being insensitive,” “You’re too assertive,” “You’re not assertive enough,” “You’re too lazy,” “You’re too driven,” “You’re rude,” or “You talk too much,” a delicate balance ensues, if we are living life properly. The delicate balance is between (a) having the self-confidence to decide what I think about the topic; and, (b) having the self-confidence to honestly consider, as a real, viable option, what the other person has said about me.

If every time someone tells me something about myself, I shut myself off from them with walls of denial, saying or thinking things like “Nuh UH! I do NOT do THAT,” I will never learn from my mistakes and I will never improve.

We show the people around us that we care about them when we respectfully listen to and care about their opinions. We show self-respect when we intelligently consider our own opinion on the matter, as well. It’s a delicate balance between self-respect and respect for others.

“The Right Thing” and “The Truth” are often not set in stone. We may have actually done nothing wrong, but if our words or actions hurt a friend or loved one, we have to accept that our words or actions actually hurt them. I cannot respond, “But I’m RIGHT,” when I have hurt someone. As a good human being, my response to “You hurt me” has to be: “I feel so bad that I hurt you! Please tell me how I hurt you, so that I can not do it any more.” Right and wrong in the absolute sense do not matter when my friend’s, my husband’s, my son’s, my daughter’s reality is that I have hurt them.

In your situation, I have a few points to make. (1) You can think about whether or not you agree that you talk too much. Now that your son has pointed this out to you, perhaps pay attention to your speech patterns, and notice whether other people seem to be fed up with your loquaciousness. You might decide your son’s assessment is not correct. You might find out that his perception is shared by others. You can decide how to proceed with improving yourself or staying just as you are by noticing the characteristic he has told you about, and pondering the veracity of his statement.

(2) It’s important to respect others’ opinions and thoughts, as I have written extensively above; it’s also important to be respectful when you are pointing out that someone has hurt you, and it’s especially important when you’re telling this to a parent, a teacher, or an elder. I hope that when your son told you his opinion, he was deferential, respectful, and honored his mother as a son should. The only way to respectfully, deferentially, and honorably tell a parent something like this is to say, “Mom, can I talk to you?” And wait for her to acquiesce. Then you can proceed, and say, “I feel so bad saying this, and it may not be my place, but there is something that you do which hurts my feelings. May I tell you?” And wait for your mother to acquiesce before you proceed. If she gives you permission, then you can continue: “I sometimes get a little frustrated that you talk a lot, and I don’t get to voice my own opinions.”

It’s everyone’s job to be respectful of everyone else, even when you’re telling them how they have hurt you.

And if we are to improve our character (which, I would posit, is the reason for our being here, alive, in this world), we have to listen respectfully and with an open mind when people tell us about the imperfections they perceive in us.

Personally, I have learned so much from my husband and my children. How? Because whenever I hurt them, they tell me. And I try my hardest to avoid denial and to listen, with an open mind, to what they are telling me. I usually say something like: “Hmmm. I didn’t realize that. Thank you for telling me how you feel. Let me think about it and notice what I’m doing. I love you, and I thank you!” And there are good feelings all around. I feel like I got a free lesson in self-improvement, and my children or husband feel respected and heard.

There’s a great note from my 6-year-old daughter that I keep on my fridge. It says, “Dear Mommy, Please, can you not be stressed? I like you better the other way.”

Our friends and loved ones are often our greatest teachers about how we can improve, IF we are willing to respectfully listen to what they have to say and to thoughtfully consider the ideas they have presented.

About the Author

Lauren Roth, MSW, LSW, is a graduate of Princeton University, a Marriage and Parenting Therapist in private practice in Lakewood, New Jersey, and an inspirational speaker across North America and on the high seas. Mrs. Roth and her husband, Rabbi Dr. Daniel Roth, are the parents of six children.

Here is the mother thinking about herself and not her son. Five times she wrote I (me me me) into that question and want to know if her son is right in saying his mother talks too much. Of course he is right. It's his opinion. Listen to him. Did she ask him why he feels that way? Listen to his answer and then respect his opinion and be quiet.

Hayley S.,
March 21, 2015 12:23 AM

Thank You

You are right. Bad parents are the ones that don't listen, and let their arrogance and ignorance take over. "Mother is always right" is a divisive, damaging mantra.

R,
December 20, 2015 2:05 AM

While of course talking too much isn't nice either, it bothers me WAY more when it's at the wrong time. Being interrupted in the middle of trying to answer their own question is the worst. "Oh how did that work out?" "Well I --" "You better not have . . ." Look. Do you want the answer or no?

(8)
Anonymous,
January 19, 2013 8:27 AM

now and later

Ask them what they mean.
When they turn 30 see if they are still telling you the same thing.

(7)
Anonymous,
January 14, 2013 12:52 PM

Talking too much is a bad HABIT

Some people just like to hear themselves talk because the more they talk, the LESS they have to listen. I hate being around people who are not interested in having a give-and-take conversation and for the most part I now make sure not to subject myself to that type of abuse. I call it abuse because sometimes it feels like being pelted with verbal stones. Please do not talk over me, please do not interrupt me, please do not always think that what you have to say is more important than what I have to say. If you don't like listening, consider not engaging in "conversation" (I thought a "conversation was for at least two people). Yes, you might forget what you wanted to say, but so what...we ALL forget what we wanted to say sometimes. When I hear someone monopolize the talk, it reminds me of a driver running over people with his car because, according to him, he's in a hurry. Is that an excuse? Try not interrupting someone when they are trying to get a point across next time. If you can't control yourself, you have your answer: you DO talk too much.

(6)
Daniel,
January 13, 2013 7:23 PM

Teenagers are processing a lot

I used to teach mechanical skills to teenagers.
Like life skills and social skills, from experience there were many details which I figured were worth knowing, and I would try to convey these in my lessons.
My students would also commonly say, "you talk too much".
I came to the understanding that teens are processing a lot as they grow, and more words were not always what they needed.
It was more effective to be succinct, and make a clear point about what was relevant at the time, in the situation. After giving them some time to process, I would also make reference to something further which would be worth knowing, to hopefully spare them some scraped knuckles or damaged machinery in the future.
The fact is, though, that some things they were just going to need to learn from experience. Piling on lots of talk, in the hope that I could save them from those sorts of negative experiences, it seemed only led to them closing their ears.
I don't know, is this relevant?

(5)
Ignatz,
January 13, 2013 6:57 PM

She probably does . . . and has no idea!

Good column. In my experience, many moms talk far more than is helpful to their teenaged sons, especially when much of the content is rebuke/challenge/nag/anxiety. These moms end up "training" their sons to tune out their words, to distance themslves emotionally, or, worse, to dislike their mothers! She might want to try artificially making a number of positive comments every day for a few weeks and then see whether things have improved any.

(4)
Sandra Wosk,
January 13, 2013 5:12 PM

Ya right..!!!!

I disagree with this whole answer... all my life I raised my kids to be loving caring people.. or thought I had. I always asked their opinions I always cared what they told me. Guess what??? I have four of the most horrible kids in the world. Not only do they disrespect me but they constantly make me feel like I owe them a living and I should pay and pay and pay to keep them happy.. Your children should not be allowed to voice their opinions until they know what an 'opinion" is..I now have four fully adult kids who can not cope with reality unless MOMMY pays for everything and does it all so they don't have to... What are my kids doing?/ Still complaining that I should do more for them.. Not amused .....

Fayt,
January 14, 2013 5:52 PM

Your children are terrible....why?

Why are you still giving and giving if your children are as "horrible" as you say they are!!!!! Children must behave respectfully to parents no matter how old they are. By giving in to their demands, you are crippling them. Let them become independent, and if they cannot, then they need to find ways to improve themselves - be it through therapy, work training, etc. You must set limits to your giving.

Goldie,
January 15, 2013 2:23 AM

Not Surprised

Hearing the tone of voice you are using in this response to Lauren's article; I am not in the least bit surprised your children backfired on their upbringing. I don't think Lauren meant that you should "give your kids whatever they want". I think she meant you should allow them an opinion, a voice, a say.
Not always do we allow them to get what they want; but knowing they can ask creates a healthy balance.
Rethink the way you claim to have gone in the way Lauren suggested. Reread her article.
She gives good and true advice. If you find it unreal, you are simply reading it wrong.
Best of Luck

(3)
Anonymous,
January 13, 2013 4:58 PM

consider the source?

I cannot think of a single time someone said, "You talk too much." and it was actually about the number of words being said. It's been about not wanting to hear what was said, rejecting the ideas said, or a retaliatory put-down, due to feelings of embarrassment / anger or inability / unwillingness to understand. The most painful reason was my misogynistic ex-husband's, who said it "to keep me in my place," and to set an example for my sons regarding women. I am sure it must have been said nicely some time in history, I just never heard it.

(2)
Talia,
January 13, 2013 4:33 PM

Hurt Feelings

This is really Divine Providence. I have a hyper-sensitive teenage son. He so easily gets hurt it's very trying to conduct an interpersonal relationship with him. At least now he tells me when I have unwittingly hurt him. This Shobbos I had asked him to do something and got angry from his lack of response. It turned out he didn't respond because he was "hurt" by the way I asked him or more correctly how he would have liked to be asked. Although I didn't see anything wrong in how I asked him, I was obliged to apologise. In the case above you're assuming that the kid is "hurt". Maybe he's annoyed, irritated, or not getting the response he needs. Can't know unless you ask him.

(1)
Sharon,
January 13, 2013 10:58 AM

get real!

Do you really imagine for a moment that this lady's son expressed his opinion in the manner you described?! Knowing people in this generation, I'm guessing this is highly unlikely. Anyway you assume his claim of her talking too much regarded only their own relationship, though it's more likely that he was describing the mother's general talkative quality. She should probably ask her friends their opinion to get a more objective opinion. Kids have a tendency to be super conscious and critical of their parents' behaviour and she might not have any objective problem at all.

Bill,
January 13, 2013 4:35 PM

Where have I heard this before?

"Do you really imagine for a moment that this lady's son expressed his opinion in the manner you described?! Knowing people in this generation, I'm guessing this is highly..." *LIKELY*.
While entirely possible that the mother does, in fact, talk altogether too much, it is every bit as likely that she is saying things that the teen doesn't want to hear. Teens are notorious for thinking that they know everything. Anything said against what the teen wants to be true is going taken only with great resistance.
One must learn to speak in such a way that the other hears. For the parent and resisting teen this can be a very difficult conversation.
The fact that the "question" was phrased in only 2 sentences seems to suggest that I am far more loquacious than the mom!

jen price,
January 14, 2013 4:19 AM

i agree!

My 16 year old son told me this same thing... but not because I talk so much as he doesn't want to listen to what I have to say!

I always loved the story of Jonah and the whale. Why do we read it during the afternoon service of Yom Kippur?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Let's recap the story: God tells Jonah to go to Ninveh and to prophesy that in 40 days, God will destroy the city. Instead, Jonah goes to Jaffa, boards a ship, and sails for Tarshish. A great storm arises. Frightened, Jonah goes to sleep in the ship's hold. The sailors somehow recognize that Jonah is responsible for the storm. They throw him overboard, and the sea becomes calm.

A great fish swallows Jonah. Then three days later, God commands the fish to spit Jonah back out upon dry land. God tells Jonah, "Let's try it again. Go to Ninveh and tell them in 40 days I will destroy the city."

The story is a metaphor for our struggle for clarity. Jonah is the soul. The soul is assigned to sanctify the world, and draw it close to God. But we are seduced by the world's beauty. (Jaffa in Hebrew means "beauty.") The ship is the body, the sea is the world, and the storm is life's pains and troubles. God hopes confrontation with mortality will inspire us to examine our lives. But Jonah's is the more common response - we go to sleep (have a beer, turn on the television). The sailors throw Jonah overboard - this is death. The fish that swallows Jonah is the grave. Jonah is spat back upon the land - reincarnation. And the Almighty tells us to try again. "Go sanctify the world and bring it close to God."

Each of us is born with an opportunity and a challenge. We each have unique gifts to offer the world and unique challenges to perfect ourselves. If we leave the task unfinished the first time, we get a second chance. Jonah teaches us that repentance can reverse a harsh decree. If the residents of Ninveh had the ability to correct their mistakes and do teshuva, how much more so do we have the ability to correct our former mistakes and do teshuva.

(source: "The Bible for the Clueless But Curious," by Rabbi Nachum Braverman)

In 1948, Egypt launched a large-scale offensive against the Negev region of Israel. This was part of the War of Independence, an attack by five Arab armies designed to "drive the Jews into the sea." Though the Jews were under-armed, untrained, and few in number, through ingenuity and perseverance they staved off the attacks and secured the borders. Yet the price was high -- Israel lost 6,373 of its people, a full one percent of the Jewish population of Israel at the time.

And what does teshuvah consist of? [Repentance to the degree] that the One Who knows all that is hidden will testify that he will never again repeat this sin(Maimonides, Laws of Teshuvah 2:2).

"How can this be?" ask the commentaries. "Inasmuch as man always has free choice to do good or evil, to sin or not to sin, how can God testify that a person will never repeat a particular sin? Is this not a repudiation of one's free will?"

The answer to this came to me at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, at which the speaker, a man who had been sober for twenty-one years, said, "The man I was drank. The man I was will drink again. But now I am a different man."

A sin does not occur in a vacuum. A person who is devout does not abruptly decide to eat treifah. A sin occurs when a person is in such a state that a particular act is not anathema to him.

Consequently, repentance is not complete if one merely regrets having done wrong. One must ask, "How did this sin ever come about? In what kind of a state was I that permitted me to commit this sin?"

True repentance thus consists of changing one's character to the point where, as the person is now, one can no longer even consider doing the forbidden act. Of course, the person's character may deteriorate - and if it does, he may sin again.

God does not testify that the person will never repeat the sin, but rather that his degree of repentance and correction of his character defects are such that, as long as he maintains his new status, he will not commit that sin.

Today I shall...

try to understand how I came to do those things that I regret having done, and bring myself to a state where such acts will be alien to me.

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