**Originally posted 8 years ago on my very first blog Natural In A SNAP (anything written in blue I added today)

So I am writing this blog because once upon a time not long ago I set off on a personal journey I am still on to try to eat and live healthier. When I began my journey I did what many of us do and hit up Google hoping to find some great advice about shopping, cooking, and living organic on the cheap, especially if you were like me a family on food stamps. What I found was a few helpful sites and very few articles that addressed people eating organic on a food stamp budget and those that did were written by well meaning people who were “experimenting:” with cash budgets in the amount that a family their size would receive if they were on food stamps (the SNAP challenge). That’s cool but what does that do for me?
A person who really is living day to day with an EBT card trying to live a sustainable healthy lifestyle with a large family and a job. It did nothing but make for interesting reading since most of these people had advantages that the average family on food stamps don’t have i,e, one person at home all day and or advance cooking skills and fancy cookware. So I have decided to write my advice on how to do organic/whole foods on a budget. DISCLAIMER:I do not claim to be an expert or have special knowledge really I’m just speaking from my experience. 1) Price compare and use coupons– as much as I love my local co-op especially since I work there, many national chains now have their own lines of organics, such as Kroger, Aldi, which are not as much of a drain on the budget example my regular black beans cost $.69 Kroger organics $.99 I can spare the $.30 vs $.60 or more elsewhere. Same with soy milk and other items. You can also save using online retailers like Vitacost which often have great BOGO offers on food items and offers free shipping for orders over $45. I often use them for dried fruit when it’s on sale using my cash food budget. Most of us on SNAP still spend cash on food. Coupons are often hard to find on organic products, however many companies have printable coupons on their websites if you register with them. Also this site has a great alphabetical list of printable coupons including organic/whole food brands www.krazycouponlady.com (I realize that this assumes one has access to a computer and internet which many SNAP families do not).

2)Make a menu and actually use it– this one takes work for me but it does save you money because you don’t waste by buying on impulse and you can maximize sales.

3)Keep it simple smarties- There are simple meals with simple ingredients that are healthy, and can be made with low cost organic items. Thank goodness for beans and cous cous with veggies (I’ll get some recipes for ya’ll) So find stuff you can make with a steady supply of staples that you can keep on hand. Stir fry,

4)Start Cookingand cut those potion sizes– If you want to buy higher cost higher quality food that usually means replacing the convenience foods and cheap unhealthy foods which generally requires more cooking and a little more time, but with a little planning it can be done. I try to cook and freeze on my days off (a huge pot of chili takes just as much work as a smaller one) it is a very old trick of busy moms and you don’t even need containers you would be surprised how many things you can freeze/refrigerate in storage bags, including soups. Another way to save by cooking is to make your own items from hummus to applesauce there are many things that take little effort but have a great financial payoff. It takes some prep. I myself being the slacker I am often cut up veggies while watching T.V. on my folding T.V. tray. So I can relax and get some stuff done. Also cut your portion sizes if you are not already watching them most of us being Americans eat too much and make too much food that we end up throwing away. (2018 Laurie says eat as much as you want just don’t be wasteful) So recognize if you have this habit and STOP it will save you money and help your health. Extra protip-if you see a bread maker at a thrift store grab it you can save a lot of money making bread at home with minimal effort but I would never pay full price for one. If you can’t do any of these things it’s fine there are frozen veggies and lower cost versions of healthier convenience faves at places like Aldi. These are suggestions not the holy grail.

5)Make it yourself/Grow it yourself-I did say live organic too, right, meaning cleaning products and such and since we are talking about cooking, you can make many of your own cleaners too. I make my own laundry soap, and use liquid castile soap that I buy in bulk to clean almost everything. They are environmentally friendly, I use less, and in the case of the laundry soap I save money. Also it is awesome to have a home that is mostly free of chemicals. The money I save on cleaners goes into the fruit and veggie budget.
My newest endeavor this year is container and raised bed gardening at my house (which I rent). Basically it is gardening with limited space for your own use. The awesome thing is my kids LOVE the idea and it will save a good amount of money especially on tomatoes. Other good news about gardening on a food stamp budget is that you can actually purchase seeds with food stamps as long as they are food seeds this includes organic seeds (yippie!!!). I will be blogging about this more in depth soon.

6)Eat less meat– check my other blogpost for why eating less meat is a good idea, but it also saves money meat is expensive and not required for every meal or everyday, I’m not saying you have to become a vegan, we are flexitarians, just find some good recipes for other protein sources like beans and meat alternatives like tofu, seitan, and TVP, my kids love it!

7)Buy in bulk– If you are lucky you have a local whole food co-op or other grocery that has a well stocked bulk department, I save a good deal of money by shopping in the bulk department for flour, salt, sugar and other stables because the per pound price is considerably lower (if you don’t have one in your town and you buy some food with cash consider using cash and pricing these items online). Also at our co-op if you order by the case you get 15% off so I usually budget to order our brown rice every 3 months by the 50 lb bag. With the discount the price is equal to non organic brown rice. Similar deals can often be found on Amazon using their scheduled shipping service subscribe and save (this requires using cash not SNAP).

8)Befriend your local produce manager and farmer market merchant– when people know you they are more likely to make a deal with you so at every store I shop at I know the produce manager BY NAME why you may ask because he/she marks down produce and produce is expensive and will generally let you know when sales are coming and when they are going to mark stuff.
As for farmers market merchants they need to move their items so I am always open to buying slightly bruised/over ripe items, for a significant discount. Many merchants will also discount items at the end of the day so they don’t have to haul them home. Being able to negotiate is a huge plus. *Hint-many farmers markets now take food stamps too* (Caution-not everything sold at farmers markets are local be sure to ask!) In Mississippi we now have the Fresh Savings program which gives tokens when a SNAP user purchases $10 of fresh produce at Kroger or the Farmer’s Market. Tokens can be used at future purchases.

9)If you can, get a freezer– when I find good deals on peaches, (I live in MS and at certain times can buy whole boxes for $10) we eat and use some and then I cut up and freeze the rest. Same with bell peppers, onions, blueberries, and many other freezable fruits and veggies. This way my good buy doesn’t go to waste, I know where the veggies came from and I have saved over prepackaged frozen. (sidenote: local doesn’t mean organic it is up to you to ask if the farmer uses organic gardening practices.)

10) Sometimes you will have to compromise-Now this one is tough for me because it means I have to compromise but living while broke is full of compromise and that’s ok- figure out what you can live with buying non organic, lets face it there will always be times when the budget just will not allow you to make a healthy balanced diet and keep it all organic or even really healthy, especially if you have a family my size, so make a list of the items that are must have for you, for me its produce first and then grain, especially those that have been ranked as having the most pesticide residue such as apples, carrots, lettuce, and celery. My family eats quite a bit of fruits and veggies so this is important for us and it is pretty much non negotiable.
So those are on my top ten.
I hope someone reads this and actually finds it useful if not I am having a great time rambling on and working on my writing skills 🙂 Please remember I am still on this healthy journey myself so I am just trying to share my experiences. Peace, blessings, and good health!!!!
Check out these articles too-http://uspoverty.change.org/blog/view/should_food_stamps_buy_organic_salmonhttp://blog.taragana.com/business/2010/04/14/eating-big-on-a-food-stamp-budget-_-how-to-feed-4-people-for-7-days-on-6888-50213/

**Originally 8/23/14 published on Liberal America (yes they’re horrible it’s why I left) posting since today is the vote to repeal the 8th amendment which is mentioned at the end of this piece.

In the United States reproductive justice and reproductive rights activists warn of what our country will look like if abortion restrictions are allowed to continue. What would happen if we only allowed exceptions for sexually assaulted, incest, health and the life of the pregnant person? Would that protect women? A current case in Ireland gives us the perfect example of why we say no.

When Savita Halappanavar age 31 died in 2012 while 17 weeks pregnant from sepsis after being refused an abortion to complete her miscarriage. Some were hopeful things in Ireland would change at least a bit. So in 2013 when the new Protection of Life During Pregnancy Act passed in the wake of her death many hoped maybe just maybe women would be a bit safer. However groups like Doctors for Choice warned that the panel system the law put in place was flawed from the beginning.

“When I came to this country I thought I could forget suffering”- Young woman forced to give birth

The woman, a teen who is an asylum seeker from an unnamed country experiencing conflict according to the Irish Independent was sexually assaulted before entering Ireland. She discovered she was pregnant while under the care of an organization serving asylum seekers. According to the BBC when she was 8 weeks pregnant she expressed she would rather die than bear her rapist’s child. Despite that explicit statement and requesting to receive an abortion at that time it appears she was bounced around asylum agencies without being referred to the appropriate agency to start the process to formally request an abortion under the law.

At 16 weeks pregnant she received counseling from a family planning organisation. According to the Irish Times she said she attempted to take her own life at 16 weeks pregnant, when told by a counselor at the Irish Family Planning Association the costs of travelling to Britain for an abortion could be as high as 1,500 euros or almost $2,000 US dollars. In addition to having no money she speaks no English and as a non citizen has no visa. Sidenote Bpas an abortion provider in England states around 4,500 woman a year go come from Ireland to access abortion care.

She was admitted to the hospital at 24 weeks due to expressing suicidal thoughts. When admitted she was told she could not have an abortion because her pregnancy was too far along. She then went on a hunger and liquid strike. Only after all of that was a three expert panel finally called to determine if she should be allowed to terminate her pregnancy. The panel, made up of two psychiatrists and one obstetrician, found she was indeed suicidal. The psychiatrists were in agreement that she was suicidal, a requirement to get an abortion under the Irish law. The obstetrician however felt that at this point the best course was not an abortion but delivery of the fetus regardless of what the woman wanted. They also got an order from the high court to re-hydrate and feed her.

“They said the pregnancy was too far. It was going to have to be a Cesarean section,” the woman told the paper.

“They said, wherever you go in the world, the United States, anywhere, at this point it has to be a Cesarean.”

If true this means they blatantly lied to her. Women in the US can and do get abortions at 24 and 25 weeks pregnant especially in extreme situations like these.

She told the Irish Times she ended her hunger strike when she was told she could have an abortion and would need to be strong for surgery. She then was ultimately told her only option was a c-section. She was coerced into to “consenting” to surgery. The baby boy was delivered at between 24 and 25 weeks gestation earlier this month. He is said to be going into the care of the state. Now all this compounded trauma is with her always.

When I came to this country I thought I could forget suffering… The scar [from the C-section] will never go away. It will always be a reminder. I still suffer. I don’t know if what has happened to me is normal. She adds: I just wanted justice to be done. For me, this is injustice.

In an emailed statement from Doctors for Choice Dr Mary Favier, a Cork based GP said

“This case underlines the problems inherent in the legislation of balancing a woman’s rights with those of a foetus and threatening doctors with 14 years in prison for failing to do so. This is compounded by the requirement to use multiple doctors to certify eligibility (up to 7 medical assessments) and including an Obstetrician in certifying a risk of suicide.”

Women face innumerable obstacles to access legal abortion services in Ireland, as well as discrimination which disproportionately impacts adolescents, asylum seekers, women with mental health problems and other vulnerable groups……Until Irish officials truly reform the country’s harsh abortion law, we will continue to hear about these incredible and tragic breaches of women’s fundamental human rights. It is high time that the government recognizes that there is only one solution: comprehensive legal reform to ensure that women can access abortion services and do not have to endure attacks on their health and well-being.?

Carol Simmons of the Pro Life Campaign during a rally anti choice groups held in support of the baby boy and Ireland’s abortion restriction said.

“The woman presented herself for a termination and her pregnancy was terminated.”

Yeah sure you could say that (I wouldn’t) except she never wanted to be pregnant or a parent. Now even though she’s relinquished her rights to the child by all reports, the state has forced her to be a parent after giving her no option but a very invasive surgery. I won’t even go into how that c-section could impact her future health and pregnancies if she chooses to have any. After having her body violated by her attacker it was violated again by the Republic of Ireland. Groups like Doctors for Choice are calling for an investigation into possible human rights abuses in the treatment of the young woman.

Dr Mary Favier summed it up well

“‘If a young rape victim, certified as requiring an abortion due to the risk of suicide cannot access abortion services then the legislation and its implementation are clearly fatally flawed.”

Click here to see over 3,000 gather in Dublin to support abortion rights and the repeal of Ireland’s 8th amendment

Hey y’all like always if you would like to support my work hit my paypal or cash app

I started to write about how I don’t feel safe in Trump’s America but the truth is this election has made me say out loud I have never felt safe in America. The truth is there is no safe space for black people and there never has been. For me growing up in a majority white community and when I said majority white I mean being the one little spot of brown, my so-called safe space was the illusion of post-racialness. That bubble didn’t last for long. People were sure to put me in my place the first time that somebody’s white child had a crush on me or l on them. When one dares to be a little too smart, too pretty or to good at anything someone lets you know, “you’re smart-for a black girl” “you’re pretty-for a black girl”or my favorite “l didn’t know black people could do that”.

White supremacy is insidious and long before I knew the name for it there it was. Ever present always there lurking. Just waiting to make your day worse. Waiting to block your sunshine. Waiting to knock you off your ladder to success. Waiting to tell you your beauty isn’t the standard. Waiting just to make sure you know you are not welcome. Pretty soon you’re not a child and it’s housing you don’t get or assumptions about your parenting. Oh don’t get me wrong my life is full of so-called good white people you know the ones the ones who love me but made sure to tell me how they really felt about interracial dating. The ones who like me but seem to never hire black people. The ones who make sure to tell me but you’re not like those other black people it’s almost like you’re not really black. We have never been able to out run racism or the violence that comes because of it. The bullying, the fights, the police harassment and the systemic oppression.

For years folks have said if you just reach out and talk to people who don’t agree with you things will change I call bullshit. Just integrate schools and sing kumbaya and teach that all MLK stood for was “l have a Dream” everything will be fine. I grew up with nothing but white people until I was 14 and mostly white people after that and guess what many of those white people who love me and my children so much voted for Donald Trump. They could do so telling themselves their conscience was clear because they had a “black friend”. They had a black friend that they stood by when she was a single mom who they took pity on who even though they were better than in their own mind they were good enough to hang out with because they were “good white people” who look past color. They didn’t see color they didn’t see it so much that they make sure to talk about it all the time about how they have a black friend.

Folks it’s not enough to get white kids diverse friends if you won’t talk about whiteness. It’s not enough for you to say you don’t see color. I need you to see me all of me black me, queer me, woman me poor me. All. Of. Me. l need you to hear my pain and actually listen when l speak. You need to teach your children, friends, family and yourselves about anti blackness. You need to fight for anti-racism (not colorblindness) that’s what we need you to do. That’s what I need you to do. Don’t ask me to do it for you. You do it. You save white people. Stop asking us to do it.

Racism didn’t just suddenly find us in this election. lt has always been with us. It is the cornerstone of our country. It is who we are it has always defined us. The only difference is that in the last 50 years it became impolite to speak it and illegal to discriminate in many ways (on paper at least). Yet when a black man became president white people really felt like they were losing their power because Latinos are growing in numbers and black people, Native Americans and even WOMEN were protesting for their rights again. Suddenly they felt they needed to say all the things that they’d only been saying in private or when they thought we weren’t listening.

No America this is not a new problem. This is not new anger. This is not new white hatred. This is old unsolved unspoken undealt with leftover racist bigotry ethnocentric white supremacist trash thinking that we need to do away with. So folks now is the time to figure out who you are. Do we work to confront these beliefs in real ways? Do we engage real truth and racial conciliation or once again ignore the truth in favor a fake politeness and fake equality? Equality on paper, equality in law books but not in function. That is a decision only we can collectively decide before it’s too late.

*Note-I was motivated to write this in 2011 due to the upcoming ballot initiative to add a “fetal personhood” amendment to the Mississippi constitution. It was the first time I shared my story publicly. I started sharing it again the next year because it applied to HB 1196 the “heartbeat bill“. That bill had been killed but Rep.Andy Gipson stuck modified language in SB-2771 “Katie’s law” a child murder bill, (which led to the bill failing to pass). Although there is was exception for “life” of the mother my situation wasn’t considered life threatening emergency until it was almost too late – MEDICINE SHOULD NOT BE PRACTICED BY LAWMAKERS AND RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISTS WRITING LAWS*

In the recesses of my mind there are so many experiences that make it impossible for me to support fetal personhood and abortion bans. No one ever thinks that one day they will be sitting down to tell the story of how they almost died due to being denied an abortion during a miscarriage. These are the stories you stuff deep in your soul and keep to yourself. Yet I feel every story like mine has to be told so that the lies of how the thinking behind personhood won’t hurt any women and will only save “babies” can be exposed.

I was 18 years old, a wife, a mother of beautiful twin girls. I was also solidly anti choice. During the 12-13th week of my second pregnancy I awoke in the middle of the night to the feeling of wetness between my thighs. A quick inspection found a pink discharge. So I rushed to the hospital ER. After being given a once over I was told to go home, rest and return if I began to bleed. “You may be having a miscarriage but you aren’t right now” they said.

By mid morning I was bleeding; heavily. This time they gave me an ultrasound. They let me know I was indeed having a miscarriage. I was informed the fetus had not developed normally. The embryo had actually stopped growing at 8-9 weeks, but since they detected a faint heartbeat and this was a Catholic hospital they could not do a D&C (*cough* abortion). There policy is NO ABORTIONS. I was again instructed to go home, rest and wait. At this point I, an uninsured low wage worker had made 2 visits to the ER and could see the bills piling up.

Within a few hours of returning home I was experiencing bad cramping, passing big blood clots and bleeding so heavily that I took my young daughters diapers to catch the blood, a normal pad was not enough. I was afraid if I went back to the hospital they weren’t going to do anything. Frankly, we didn’t have the money for another fruitless visit. When you have basically been patted on the head and told to go home twice it’s easy to feel that way. So I carried on with my day as normal. I was sitting on the phone with a friend at my mother’s apartment next door when I fell out of my chair and passed out. All can remember the feeling of the cold floor and my husband’s voice saying “oh my God wake up” while my grandmother yelled “call an ambulance”. By the time the ambulance arrived I was going into shock and my veins were collapsing making starting an IV hard. I was in and out of consciousness on the ride to the hospital. At that moment I had no idea how much blood I had lost or that I was really close to death. I was well aware by the time we arrived at the hospital. I could feel it and the reactions of staff confirmed it.

It took five tries to start another IV line for the blood transfusion I was now in need of, in fact the doctor had to come and do it. My most vivid memory is of my family doctor (a former Ob/Gyn), who was now working his ER shift, yelling in the hall “WHO THE FUCK SENT HER HOME! She could have died!” After they stabilized me a bit I was rushed to emergency surgery for a D&C (abortion they just call it by another name so you feel better) to remove any remaining tissue from my body and stop me from continuing to bleed uncontrollably. It was to be performed by the same Ob/Gyn who had sent me home, twice.

As I was about to be put under I said to the anesthesiologist “please don’t let him kill me”. All I wanted in that moment was to get home to my little twin girls. After surgery I was placed on the maternity floor. The nurse on duty found me crying and said “don’t worry, you’re young you can have more”. Not only was there no compassion for my experience but no acknowledgment that I had just avoided death. After a day in the hospital and almost a week off work my life slowly returned to normal. What angers me is it didn’t have to be like that.

Luckily sometime while I was bleeding to death at home that day I passed the embryo. I often wonder what would have happened if I had not. Would they have even have saved my life or would they have let me die due to a non viable “person” inside of me? Never once did this hospital tell me I could go somewhere else, somewhere non-religious, somewhere that didn’t believe fetuses are people and abortion is murder. They cared more about a 13 week non progressing embryo than me, a living breathing woman. A wife, mother, daughter, and granddaughter and most important a PERSON! A woman who went on to “choose life” 5 more times. Somehow I was not part of the equation only my pregnancy was. To them I lost my rights when I became pregnant apparently even my right to quality healthcare.

I hadn’t thought much about that day until recently because people keep saying that initiative 26 aka the personhood bill will not change the way women are treated by their doctors. My experience with a hospital governed by the same beliefs that this bill is based on says otherwise and I am not alone and studies prove it. I’ll never understand what made a nonviable pregnancy that could not be saved more worthy than living breathing thinking ME. My life should have mattered. My children needing a mother should have mattered. My future should have mattered.

I think about the consequences for women and their access to birth control. Young women like my daughter who isn’t on birth control to prevent pregnancy but because she has PMDD which causes such profound mood swings before her period we call it “hell week”. Women who like me have fibroids, which led to my hysterectomy, but the first line of treatment often is birth control pills. Women trapped in abusive relationships who use birth control to gain back control of their lives so they are not trapped in their relationship forever. Just some facts women who are in domestic violence relationships are very likely to have birth control sabotage be apart of their abusers arsenal of control. Abusers know that a woman is less likely to leave if pregnant and even if she does he will have access to her for the next eighteen years of her life through her child. Women who just don’t want to have children, ever and that’s ok. All the trans* and non gender conforming people who need access. The families who want to space and control their fertility.

I wonder why when I talk to people about 26 women no matter if they agree or not seem willing to listen but men are angry and loud in their opposition to women having abortion as an option or saying that our bodies matter. I have heard many comments about women needing to live with the consequences of their actions. Even going so far as to declare pregnancies that happen due to rape or incest acts of God that women should be made to suffer through because it’s God’s will. There is a language of divine intervention and women knowing their places as baby carriers. No one should be made to gestate unless they want to regardless of how their pregnancy occurred.

If you pause to think about it it’s a scary thought. It made me think about the “personhood” movement as a whole and how I don’t believe that the consequences to reproductive choices outside of abortion are an accident or collateral damage. It is by design. Women with choices is a scary concept to many people especially cis hetero men. Not being able to shame women through evidence of our sexual behavior doesn’t make them very happy either. When you take away abortion, birth control, and access to IVF many of the things that the people behind “personhood” dislike the most can no longer happen. Women will NOT have control over their reproductive choices. the last option, condom use, will be primarily in the hands of men.

History should tell use how well that works. Same sex couples, trans and single people will not be able to use IVF to create a family outside of conservative religious norms. People will not be able to avoid stigma or shame brought on by unplanned pregnancy and have healthier sex lives (especially teens).

No I don’t think it is an accident that this amendment will have the power to do many things that the conservative movement wants to do. Initiative 26 essentially has the power to turn back the clock on reproductive choices for ALL families. I can’t help but think……….. how 1950s of them.

As I commemorated the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington, I thought about the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. we rarely hear about. We have allowed people to define King with one speech: “I Have a Dream.”

The speech was important and powerful. When I was a young girl, I copied the whole speech and carried it every day. But Dr. King issued many challenges to Americans that we remain silent about. In a lesser-known speech, “Remaining Awake Through a Great Revolution,” King said it was time to develop a world perspective, stating: “The world in which we live is geographically one. The challenge that we face today is to make it one in terms of brotherhood.”

Instead of the warm, fuzzy, let’s-all-hold-hands-and-everything-will-be-fine Dr. King that some have led us to believe existed, he understood that racism is complex and woven into our nation’s fabric.

“It is an unhappy truth that racism is a way of life for the vast majority of white Americans, spoken and unspoken, acknowledged and denied, subtle and sometimes not so subtle—the disease of racism permeates and poisons a whole body politic,” King said. “And I can see nothing more urgent than for America to work passionately and unrelentingly—to get rid of the disease of racism.”

This is the same speech in which he famously called Sunday mornings “the most segregated hour” in America. That hasn’t changed much.

King also spoke about the myths around race and race relations that are hindering our progress. The first myth he called out is still with us, too: “One is the myth of time. It is the notion that only time can solve the problem of racial injustice. And there are those who often sincerely say to the Negro and his allies in the white community, ‘Why don’t you slow up? Stop pushing things so fast. Only time can solve the problem. And if you will just be nice and patient and continue to pray, in 100 or 200 years, the problem will work itself out.'”

One moment in time should never define someone. Many prefer Dr. King, the dreamer. People don’t want to know about the Poor People’s Campaign that he was working on when he was assassinated or his anti-war views. The American public doesn’t want to hear any so-called radical or militant words from a black leader they have decided is “safe” on race relations, so Dr. King’s message has to be edited, refined and repackaged for easy mass consumption.

It’s OK to have a dream—just make sure you’re awake for the revolution.

Today something happened to me that rarely does-something on social media triggered memories and made me cry. I had just woke up and opened my Facebook page and there it was a picture of a plus size women in a club with the caption “this bitch killed my vibe”. It was on a close friend’s page so I posted several comments asking what it was this woman had done that was so offensive that she needed to be publicly shamed on the web. Eventually my friend posted that she had hit on him while he was with his girlfriend (oh the horror). I then asked did he post the pictures of skinny women who hit on him in clubs too. Not surprisingly, I didn’t get a response. I decided to flip though a few more of his pics and there was a picture of a older chubby woman sitting alone eating at Raising Cane’s (it’s a chicken fingers place) the caption read “this is what I had to see at lunch”. That picture and caption made me angry and it made me cry.

outside the state capitol -FABULOUS

2006 Miss Phi Beta Sigma Pageant at JSU-GORGEOUS!

I am a plus size woman. I am not ashamed or embarrassed by my size. In fact I wrote a column about this very kind of thing. I just didn’t expect to see it from a close friend. While I am confident in who I am it doesn’t stop the days when people say cruel and nasty things about my weight. The attacks come from strangers, family, friends, co-workers, and health care professionals.

Like the ER doctor who needed to give me a pelvic exam. I was in severe pain and he had already treated me like I was drug seeking because hey I’m young, black and have medicaid. He told me “I think you might be too heavy for that gurney and make it tip. Can you scoot down and see”. When I-naked from the waist down covered in a sheet-did scoot down and it tipped he shouted into the hall “Yeah she’s too big we need the OTHER gurney.” To this day I don’t understand why he couldn’t just get the other one to begin with. Oh wait because I’m fat therefore less than human. I heard him from the hall shortly after the nurse asked “what’s up with room 4” his reply “oh Roberts there’s nothing wrong with her I’m just waiting for her tests so I can send her home.” He had decided when he saw me there was nothing wrong with me. He did however take time to lecture me about my weight.

So I expect maybe people can understand why when I see people fat shame on social media often I recognize myself in those posts. Sometimes I see the people I love.

Mum and I-Dynamic Duo

See I am the child of larger woman. When I talk about fat shaming I don’t only speak from a place of my own pain I speak from a place of watching strangers be unspeakably cruel to my mother for my entire life. Not only was I teased about my mother’s weight but we were constantly stared at in public. There were always comments, gestures and general rudeness. There were the people who thought they meant well “you have such a pretty face it’s a shame you’re so fat“. Then there were the people who were just cruel “who got her pregnant?”. There were the racists “of course she has a black kid who else would want her“. You know because as a white woman she must have been cast off to a lesser black man since she’s fat. There were the people who thought my mom ate my food and that’s why I was thin. So much so they openly accused her of child neglect. Oh and the people with no boundaries at all who would take things out of her cart at the store and say “you don’t need that”.

None of those people bothered to get to know my mother. They didn’t find out that she was a great person who read to me everyday, took me to the library every week, sewed her own clothes, is a professional level seamstress, that she has a beautiful singing voice or any of the other things that makes her a awesome person. They just saw her size and deemed her unworthy to exist in their space (I am still scratching my head on this concept). She was automatically less than they were in their eyes.

Now I’m a mother of seven children, six of them girls. I cringe every time my daughter who is a size 8 says she is getting “fat”. Every time some one tells one of my girls they are “too big”. When my 10 year old uttered the words “I think I need to go on a diet” it crushed my heart-she is thin and absolutely beautiful. When asked why she said “because dieting is healthy”. Super double facepalm mommy fail on the-healthy eating is healthy-NOT dieting. I want them to know and understand they are all beautiful active young healthy women. Their bodies are perfect the way they are.

It all takes me back to the first time I drank Slim Fast because I felt I needed to lose weight when I was 7. The first time I counted calories when I was nine. The big one is first time I started not eating and throwing up my food to help control my weight at 12. At 12 I was a figure skater and figure skaters can’t be fat.

4th place in skating competition-age 13

So I worked really hard at not being fat. I also spent a lot of time hating my body. Worrying that I would get fat like my mom because then I would lose the freedom that comes from not being fat. All that got me was mentally and physically ill. I hide my self hate and my activities. My mother doesn’t even know now I use to purge that’s how secretive I was. That beautiful girl in the above picture felt fat and ugly everyday. I wish I could reach back and tell her that her body was fine. That this is how a society obsessed with fat shaming and thinness makes young women feel.

For my daughters and my son I fight fat shaming. I do it for them because I do not want them to live with the pain of self hate or miss the company of wonderful people due to size bias. Clearly body shaming doesn’t only affect women yet it is harsher on women so for me it’s a huge feminist issue. How am I a free person when I can’t dress how I wish and freely go about my life without being the target of hate and contempt?

My challenge- the challenge for all of us is to ask why we feel the need to judge the appearance of others. What inside of us makes us so contemptuous of other people’s bodies? We need not kid ourselves that it is about fat people’s health because not all fat people are unhealthy. If it were about health people would harass others for a whole host of unhealthy behaviors-for the most part we don’t. Let’s stop acting like it’s about what is morally/socially acceptable as far as fashion. Since if I put two pics up of women in the same revealing outfit one thin-one plus size, the thin one may be slut shamed the plus size one will absolutely be body shamed and slut shamed. The outfit will be deemed absolutely indecent for one not for the amount of flesh showing but the amount of fat flesh showing. Here in lies the problem. Who are any of us to say things like “no one wants to see that”-someone does. Lastly, I am FAT if you have a problem with that YOU deal with it- I’m fine.

I started to write a post after seeing yet another poverty shaming meme in regard to food stamps or SNAP and healthy eating. Then I remembered I had written about it already on Natural In A Snap a few years a go. So here it is.

As I sit to write this post I think back to the first posts that I wrote. How idealistic I was. How I thought that if I just tried hard enough if I just pinched my SNAP pennies eating healthy would be, well a snap. It is possible to live differently. It is not easy and having a dose of privilege is a big help too. Now as all this controversy swirls around regarding the proposed cuts to food stamps I want to share some simple truths with anyone who is willing to read them.

My family eats as healthy as we can. It’s not because I have some high ideals or because I’m morally better than other food stamp recipients. Frankly, it’s because I’m sick. I started on this journey because one day while sitting in my doctor’s office after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia my doctor said “I can’t guarantee that what you eat causes what’s wrong with you but you need to start eating as organic as possible”. This wasn’t totally new information to me, by then I worked at a natural food co-op. The question was how do I afford it? We were having a hard enough time just trying to have balanced meals (that was something we had committed to years before). Now people will tell you that that’s a fiction. That if poor people really want to they can eat healthy even vegetarian or vegan. They will point to studies and week long experiments that say people can eat ‘healthy’ on a food stamp budget. I am telling you my lived experience says that they are wrong.

Here’s why- good food costs money! I have always said that on this blog. Yes there are ways to maximize your budget. However, when you are working with three dollars per person per day for your food budget please explain to me how you are supposed to have a healthy balanced meal three times a day with snacks. Not to mention meals devoid of processed foods and unhealthy foods. (Please don’t say coupons because while helpful just nope and in Mississippi we pay taxes on all food purchases which means if you use coupons you must pay tax in cash on them)

The reason I say devoid of processed foods is because I keep hearing and seeing people say poor people who were on SNAP should not be “allowed” to buy “bad food” or “junk food”. Let me share a secret in order for my family to eat healthy I have to be strict about how much we eat, what we eat, and no junk snacks. That means literally telling my kids they can’t have second helpings or giving them my food meaning I don’t eat (people are probably surprised by that because I’m fat but my kids eat far more than I do). That’s because a healthy food budget doesn’t allow for the cheap things that keep poor people full.

Something I thought about the other day while watching liberals on Facebook discuss how people like me shouldn’t buy this or that is how often the fights my kids have are about food. I mean that. My kids often fight about food. Don’t get me wrong my children are not starving they are often still hungry (starving and not full are two different things). This is what happens when fruit is a luxury and second helpings can be too. Candy in our house can start a riot not only because it’s rare but because once it’s gone it really is: gone. Someone actually thought I didn’t feed my kids once because my youngest often begs for the junk food she sees everyone else with.

I’m not sure if people realize that with three dollars a day people on SNAP who have food restrictions and dietary needs cannot meet them. People like my children who have food allergies. Which means food stamp staples like tuna and peanut butter are out of the question for them. People like my mother who has such complex needs I can’t even list them all. People like me who have fibromyalgia, interstitial cystitis, rheumatoid arthritis and may have other autoimmune issues suspected whose very illness is impacted by diet.

We are the people who some people seem not to have compassion for only shame and contempt (epic side eye to you Eric Cantor). Thing is with the country in an economic downturn the likelihood of you knowing someone on food stamps is really high. The likelihood of you knowing someone who has benefited from food stamps in their lifetime is really high.

Far from the caricature of the “welfare queen” we are normal people most of us have jobs, we are good parents, we are caregivers, we are productive members of society. I am not sure what kind of people write off whole groups of other people as unworthy of having food. I will say if you are one of those people I’m not sure I want to know you.

So basically I just don’t want to hear nonsense. I don’t want to hear tired references to “welfare queen myths”. I don’t want to hear how if undeserving people weren’t on the program than deserving people could be. That’s not how it works. If you’re angry that the government hasn’t expanded of eligibility then say that. However, that is not the fault of current recipients that is governmental failure. Every time you blame other struggling people you are falling for the exact trap those in power want to use to divide and conquer us. The more they can get someone who is struggling to hate someone like me the less they will question our current systems failures. I don’t want to hear about how there is rampant fraud in the food stamp program because there’s not. I don’t want to hear anything that isn’t factually based or productive in the SNAP debate.

This debate can not be had devoid of facts and context because I am not a stereotype, my friends are not stereotypes, my children are not stereotypes, my disabled mother is not a stereotype, 45 million Americans are not stereotypes. We are people with names, families with needs. We deserve the minimum respect that people will have an honest fact-based debate about this issue impacting our live.

Today is the anniversary of 9/11 media outlets will spend the day trying to milk our country’s collective sorrow and pain for every bit of ratings it’s worth.

I can do without TV stations replaying a moment by moment, as it happened 9/11 remembrance. We can still remember without doing that. I don’t think it serves any function but to make us scared. The mass media likes scared. Capitalism likes scared. Scared people tend to buy things and stay glued to our TVs which means we watch commercials.

Well media I remember exactly how scared I was that day. So scared in fact that my children were running late for school and I decided to keep them home thinking the end of world was happening.

So scared I called one of my best friends Addison asking “what the hell is going on”.

I remember making my kids huddle on my bedroom floor with me for about a half hour as I had a panic attack. Yes I was THAT scared even though I was in Indiana. Not really a big terrorist target. Yet it felt like it was the end of the world and media helped make it feel that way.

No MSNBC and others I don’t need your yearly trigger. I don’t need Facebook and Twitter posts to tell me to “Never Forget”. I won’t forget nor do I need to see graphic photos to remember.

I do know since that time I have grown. I know that one act of terror doesn’t give us the right to hate or to blow up whole counties making innocent civilians and families feel the same pain as we did and still do.

I know I am not as sure as I once was that charging into countries to “teach them a lesson” is such a good idea. I am much more of a pacifist.

Today we can commemorate those lost without reliving our pain minute by minute. The lessons we need to take away from 9/11 happened leading up to that horrible day and in it’s aftermath. Lessons that in the wake of what is going on in Syria what we need to be even more focused on.

Right now I am incredibly pissed. I just returned from a viewing and discussion of Maafa 21, a heavily politicized and poorly constructed documentary that asserts that abortions, specifically those given by Planned Parenthood, are apart of a conspiracy – which allegedly stretches back to the time of Darwin – to destroy the Black community.

Before continuing, please stop and uncontrollably convulse and scream.

You’re welcome.

The film begins by vastly misrepresenting the American Eugenics movement’s development during the late 19th century. It asserts that the notions of superiority that were held by these Eugenicists only applied to Black people. This is false. Eugenicists believed that Blacks, Asians, Indigenous Americans, the Irish, “licentious women,” the mentally retarded, criminal, the “lazy,” homosexuals, the “indifferent” and basically everyone else that was not White, Christian, heterosexual, socially “normal,” and law abiding was somehow inferior and sought to prevent the dissemination of their…

I wrote this when Phil Bryant made these comments in 2013 now in 2015 as he is adamantly refusing to fully fund education in Mississippi the video that prompted this letter is making the rounds on social media again. Thus I have polished it up and posted it her on FeministUppityandBlack.com just for y’all. Enjoy!

(This open letter is in response to comments Governor Phil Bryant made on June 4, 2013 saying that the decline in education is due to women working outside the home)

Dear Governor Bryant,

I have a request for you and others like you-please stop mythologizing the 1950s housewife. I know, I know like many white middle/upper class males you may have warm fuzzy feelings of home and hearth when you think of the “Leave it to Beaver” like existences of days past. However, many families never had those existences in fact most families that thought they did-did not. The veneer of 1950s perfection is part of white supremacy culture. It was only meant for white families and the maintenance of it’s existence rested on the backs of others.

Those cookies everyday after school and perfect laundry came at a cost. Not every 50s housewife was happy. Some women enjoy staying home many do not. Even those who feel joy in staying home need support and outlets outside of home and hearth. Women do indeed like to have options and choices beyond being baby factories who are tethered to the kitchen. We have identities beyond wife and mother. We are individual people. In fact that’s a big reason why second wave feminism happened Governor. I don’t know maybe you skipped that part of history.

Perhaps you also skipped the part of history where some mothers never had the option to stay at home or not to work. The legacy of Mississippi’s agricultural and slave holding past is that whether in the fields or as domestic help poor women-especially poor women of color have always worked. Many white 50s housewives you so adore Governor, and let’s be real white women are the women allowed to stay home in your reality, couldn’t have had it all together without the assistance of their black housekeepers and nannies. Black woman washed their clothes, cooked their meals, and helped raised their kids so they could attend to things like improving public schools and playing bridge. At the same time black women then and now are seen as incapable to care for our own children and blamed for being gone “too much” when working. Yet when low income black women stay home with our children we are labeled as “lazy” and teaching children “bad values”. (Then again we know how much you know about race relations in this state which is nothing)

Yes once upon a time some women stayed at home-mostly middle class white women. Now those days are gone and do you know what studies show? Children are fine. Children of working mothers are not worse off Governor. Children benefit from having mothers who are happy. Do you know what does harm children greatly though? Poverty! Poverty really harms children. Having two parents both working two jobs to get by and STILL needing SNAP that hurts families sir. As the Governor of one of the poorest states in the country I would think you would take some responsibility for that rather than blaming mothers for attempting to better their children’s lives by working to provide for them. If parents staying home is your concern what about your failure to provide better government supports for families that would make it possible for parent to be home more? What about YOUR failures to support working families so they can do more for their children? YOU could support things likealiving wage, paid family leave, medicaid expansion, LGBT worker protections, FULLY FUND SCHOOLS and many other family friendly policies to make lives for Mississippi families better.

Lastly I must say I am confused because our state wants women to work,right? Poor women women that is. Mississippi believes poor women should always work. The state can’t seem to force poor women back to work fast enough after giving birth . In fact women on TANF have 6 to 12 weeks to go back to work. So much for that needing to be with your child thing. So which is it? Do you want women to work or not? If you want to stick to the myth of the 1950s housewife then you should go back to the old rationale of aid to single women with children, which was to ensure she could care for her child’s basic needs and stay home if needed.

See Governor it’s not easy to stick to outdated sexist ideals is it. So I am asking you to please stop. Stop scapegoating women for the failures of the state of Mississippi. More than that stop promoting an America that never was.