Like an illicit lover prohibited from entering the emergency room during her paramour’s surgery, AmericanDownton Abbeyfans have been forced to sit in an adjacent waiting room (the U.S.) while their beloved period drama undergoes a series of critical ups and downs (also: rumored weddings and possible baby-proofing nightmares) on British television—with the only major clues to season three’s prognoses coming from U.K. viewers’ yelps and cries overheard inside (on Twitter). On Sunday night, real-time Internet reactions to episode five reached a hysterical fever pitch . . . making us wonder what in the hell was happening at our beloved Yorkshire estate—PLEASE LET IT NOT INVOLVE MR. BATES AND/OR ANOTHER TURKISH DIPLOMAT AND/OR A MISSING DOG—and why must we be tortured by another two-and-a-half-month waiting period! Ahead, the most agonizing (spoiler-free) comments from overseas viewers, which will pique your interest (and frustration) for the premiere of the show’s new season in the U.S., on January 6.

After ripping out the collective hearts of its British viewers,Downton Abbey attempted to comfort distraught fans on Monday, tweeting, “Good afternoon. The house is very still today. How are you all feeling?” [Throws Edwardian-era lamp at wall in rage, confusion, sympathy, hysteria.] Below, resist the urge to investigate said trauma by brainstorming the most exotic Downton Abbey scenarios that could have elicited such responses in the space below.