I Matter. This is not a fact that comes easy to me. This is a statement I struggle with, sometimes daily and sometimes hourly. The reason I struggle with this is because I have been raped. I know exactly how this standford lady is feeling. And I am completely disguted with our society’s double standards on how to treat women. And trust me the issue of me mattering is bigger than Brock Turner. But I will start there.

To Brock Turner,
I don’t care if you can swim. I don’t care what your GPA is. I don’t care about your hopes and dreams. You made a choice that showed your character. You came upon a helpless woman. You could have gotten help. Instead you raped her. That’s all I need to know. When you thought no one was looking and that you wouldn’t get caught you decided to shred that woman’s sense of self and self worth. You did that. You made that choice. You showed the world how you view women. You are not the victim. You are the rapist.

To the Judge,
Would you still have given that sentence if it was your daughter? That seems like a logical question to ask. It isn’t. It doesn’t matter if she is your daughter or not. She matters. She is the one you show mercy to. She is the one you protect. She is the one you are supposed to go to bat for. She is the victim. You became a judge probably to help people. Guess what, you failed. You failed her. You failed me. You just showed society how much you value a woman’s life. You are now part of the problem.

To Brock’s father,
I get that he is your son, and that you love him. But he raped a girl. Whether it went on for 20 minutes or 20 hours or 20 days. Rape is rape. You are his father, so be his father and show him how unacceptable this is. You are supposed to defend her, even against your son. She matters. Your son broke her. As his father you should be modeling for him the gravity of what he’s done. You don’t excuse it. You don’t diminish her life because it was your son who happens to be a rapist. You are part of the problem.

To the friends of Brock,
I read that you said not all men who rape are rapists. You are wrong. Every person who rapes another no matter if it was planned or improvised is by the very definition a rapist. It wasn’t just a mistake. He forever altered her life. Trust me, I know. You don’t defend him, you condemn his actions and then be there for him if you can in getting him help. But you never ever excuse what he did. She matters. I Matter. You are part of the problem.

To the media,
I am disguted. ABC, NBC, FOX, CBS… AND COUNTLESS NEWSPAPERS AND WEBSITES. You bunch of hypocrites. You claim to care about women and abuse, even going so far as putting up those “No More” adds and the like. But what do you do? You put up a pretty picture of a rapist. This is just the latest atrocity. You treat people who have been kidnapped and abused as dollar signs. You use people like me to make you money. You throw our torment and pain out there like beads at Marti grade. You rape us again and again. You use us for profit, turning our worst moment into dollars. You whore out our pain. And I never signed up to be your prostitute, and neither did she. You give dignity to the ones who take away ours. You are part of the problem.

To the “entertainment” industry,
I am appalled. From actors to professional sports to writers to artists… You all spout out how we need to stop the abuse and rape but it is just lip service. The NFL calls convicted abusers “leaders”. Funny I thought a leader showed character. But hey if you can catch a ball as well as you bruise a woman’s face, who cares? It’s money in your pocket. Guess what, my flesh, her flesh, isn’t for sale. The whole Hollywood scene has turned rape into entertainment, putting it in shows to scandalize the audience. What happened to me didn’t come with shock value. And don’t tell me you just want to bring up the hard topics, because if that were true you would actually then show how it affects those who are abused. We don’t get over it in 30 minutes. It doesn’t go away in a week. You want to honor what happened to me, then show what my life is like after the rape. Don’t just plaster nudity and rough sex up in some half assed attempt to say you want to be real. The truth is you want ratings. And my suffering gives you that in droves while also giving you a chance to show off some breasts and butts.

Then there is the video games. When did my nightmare become worth 1000 points or more? How can you say you respect women when you digitally have little kids rape us for a better car? How can you stand there and say what Brock Turner did is wrong and then go write code so millions of people can go do the same thing?

You see, I don’t matter to you. Neither does she. But we should. You are a major part of the problem.

To the consumers,
How many of you people that are freaking out over Brock Turner gossiped about Sansa Stark getting raped? How many of you call that show entertaining? Do you go play grand theft auto right after, or maybe before, you sign the petition to get the judge fired? How many of you men out there watch rape fantasy porn or read rape fantasy magazines and comics? How many of you mothers bought those games for your kids?

So how can you stand there and cry foul against his father and friends in one breath and then go buy the jersey of a convicted abuser on the next website? You call down for hellfire on their heads, what about yours? What about mine?

The problem isn’t just Brock or his father or the judge. It is all of us. Either rape is appalling or it is entertaining. We all are to blame. It has to stop. But I know it won’t. I know that more video games will be made with a point system to how much you can abuse a woman. I know that more shows will depict women being raped so more people tune in to be horrified as they stuff their faces with popcorn. It’s disgusting.

Look in the mirror. Look at what you watch or play or read or say. No wonder I struggle with the idea that I Matter. Our society tells me that I come with a cost. But I matter. She matters. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say rape is unacceptable and then pay to watch it or virtually do it.

This is not okay. And the truth is this whole Brock thing will be all the talk for another week at most before a new scandal tantalizes you. But she is still hurting. I am still struggling. You get to move on and forget. We don’t. You get to go viral over game of thrones and I get to have nightmares because I didn’t expect that scene. So if you want to make a difference then change, but don’t give us lip service like you’ve got my back before you flip the page in your romance novel to read how a man forces himself on a woman.

“(1) Then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the Angel of the Lord, and Satan standing at his right hand to oppose him. (2) And the Lord said to Satan, ‘The Lord rebuke you, Satan! The Lord who has chosen Jerusalem rebuke you! Is this not a brand plucked from the fire?’

(3) Now Joshua was clothed with filthy garments, and was standing before the Angel. (4) Then He answered and spoke to those who stood before Him, saying, ‘Take away the filthy garments from him.’ And to him He said, ‘See, I have removed your iniquity from you, and I will clothe you with rich robes.’

(5) And I said, ‘Let them put a clean turban on his head.’ So they put a clean turban on his head, and they put the clothes on him. And the Angel of the Lord stood by.” (Zechariah 3:1-5)

God truly does have a perfect sense of timing about things. Today at Church Pastor Mark did a sermon on sexual assault; basically Chapter 7 of the book “Real Marriage” that he wrote with his wife. If you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend it. Even if you aren’t married you probably know people who are, or you likely will be married yourself one day. This was a hard and uncomfortable sermon for me. But timely. I am currently reading the book “Rid of my Disgrace” by the Holcombs; another highly recommended book. It deals with sexual assault in the light of what Jesus did for us on the cross. Again, even if you have never been sexually assaulted I can promise you that you probably know someone who has so this would be an awesome book for you to read so you know what to say….and more importantly what not to say…to someone who is hurting from this. I will warn you that this book is not an easy read, particularly if you have been sexually assaulted. I am only able to get through maybe a chapter a week. Right now I am on Chapter 5, which is about denial, and I am really struggling with how much of that I have actually been doing since my assault.

So today’s ‘Our Daily Bread’ fit in with the sermon. It is about taking away the filth of our iniquity to clothe us in rich robes. Pastor Mark spoke about how Jesus takes away my shame, my defilement, and scorns it on the cross. To be perfectly honest I don’t fully understand it. I see the vague outline of it like looking through a frosted over window peering out through a dense fog. I can see the outline of the cross there, but in light of what happened to me I struggle. Which is why I am going to be going through a Redemption Group to help me with this. This idea terrifies me; it makes me want to itch all over. You see I thought I was past all of this. I went to a Rape Counselor for about a year and a half just over 5 years ago to deal with all of this. I thought I had moved beyond it. That everything was fine. Only to learn within the first two chapters of reading the book that I probably suffer from PTSD, and that I am really not okay with what happened to me. At all. I learned how to function again on a normal standard. I learned how to check back into this world. But I have no idea what it means to be healed or not feel the way I feel.

The Scripture reading today says that Joshua was dressed in filthy rags. I know it is common for assault victims to feel dirty or gross. I feel disgust. I feel disgusting. I often believe the lie that the Enemy tells me that my fiancé thinks I am disgusting. I don’t like to look at myself in the mirror because of that disgust. I was raped over ten years ago and I didn’t realize until a few weeks ago that I carried this identity from that assault. It was always just sort of there in the back of my mind. So when I read that verse in the Scripture I cringe. It makes my stomach turn because I can imagine what Joshua was feeling in that moment standing before the lord wearing that. And Pastor Mark hit it on the head today with one of the struggles I have been having. What was I supposed to do, say “Forgive me Jesus for being raped repeatedly by my ex-fiancé at the time.” It wasn’t my sin. I didn’t do anything wrong. How does that get off? I can’t scrub it off, trust me I have tried to scrub it off to the point of bleeding before in my past. I have never been able to ever really feel clean again. I want to feel clean again. Which is why I really, really want to go to this Redemption Group no matter how terrified I am.

So the devotional today spoke about how Jesus takes away our sin: something I totally understand and am eternally grateful for. But Pastor Mark spoke of something else which I don’t get so I thought to look up what the dictionary definition of “iniquity” is. Iniquity: 1. Gross injustice or wickedness; and 2. A violation of right or duty, wicked act; sin. If I use that first definition it helps me to see that cross a little more clearly. The Angel of the Lord, Jesus Christ, takes away my gross injustices. All the gross, disgusting, deplorable injustices done upon me that make it impossible for me to look at myself in the mirror…Jesus took away. My head knows that, but my heart doesn’t understand it. I want to understand it. I know that my understanding of it won’t happen overnight. I know it is something I need to mediate on, prayerfully seek out the Holy Spirit to help me.

So tonight I will go to bed with that prayer in my heart for help, comfort, and understanding. And a new memory verse that Crystal from “Rid of my Disgrace”, was kind enough to share. “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.” (Joel 2:25). God is a good and faithful God. I believe He will keep that promise.