Pastor: I'm a `deceiver and a liar'

COLORADO SPRINGS — In the hush of a Sunday morning, 9,000 believers grieved, struggled and forgave as their pastor, Rev. Ted Haggard, confessed his sins.

"I am a deceiver and a liar," Haggard told his followers in a letter read from the pulpit of New Life Church by one of his spiritual mentors. "There's a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I have been warring against it for all of my adult life."

Men rubbed at their eyes. Women clung to one another. A grandfather hugged his baby grandson. Haggard had founded this church in his basement. He had nurtured it into a congregation of 14,000. He had guided them to God and helped them triumph over sin, and he had done it always with a smile, ever exuberant, ever strong.

They wept to hear what he had been hiding.

"For extended periods of time, I would enjoy victory and rejoice in freedom," Haggard wrote. "Then, from time to time, the dirt that I thought was gone would resurface, and I would find myself thinking thoughts and experiencing desires that were contrary to everything I believe and teach."

A Denver male prostitute last week claimed that Haggard had visited his apartment almost monthly over the past three years for sex and drugs.

Haggard at first denied it. Then he said he bought methamphetamine from the man, but threw it away. On Sunday, he said this: "The accusations that have been leveled against me are not all true, but enough of them are true that I have been appropriately and lovingly removed from ministry."

`I am a sinner'

Having resigned the presidency of the National Association of Evangelicals and been dismissed as senior pastor of New Life, Haggard said he and his wife, Gayle, "need to be gone for a while." He pledged to put himself under the guidance of several pastors who will help him work toward restoration.

"Please forgive me," he wrote. "I am so embarrassed and ashamed. ... I am a sinner. I have fallen."

Then Rev. Larry Stockstill, a Louisiana pastor, read aloud a short letter from Gayle Haggard. She said her heart was broken, but she promised to stand by her husband.

"For those of you who have been concerned that my marriage was so perfect I could not possibly relate to the women who are facing great difficulties, know that this will never again be the case," she wrote, evoking a ripple of laughter. "My test has begun; watch me. I will try to prove myself faithful."

The couple did not attend Sunday's service.

The congregation rose as one. For a long minute, they stood, applauding, hugging, sniffling. Interim senior pastor Ross Parsley bounded to the podium.

"Listen," he said, "we all feel worse than we did a week ago. But we were worse off a week ago. Today, we all are more obedient, more repentant, more transparent than we've been in a long time."

Here and there in the vast sanctuary, members of Haggard's congregation called out: "Amen."

Afterward, in the lobby, many worshipers echoed Parsley's words. Some were angry at Pastor Ted; many were bewildered. But all said their faith wasn't shaken; it was renewed. They would hold fast to all Haggard had taught them over the years, including his preaching that homosexual behavior is an affront to God.

"He believes that what he taught us is true," said Carol Groesbeck, 61.

"I don't think there's anything that needs to be re-evaluated," said her husband, Jim, 61, an elder at New Life. "We know what we believe, but it's difficult to live that out. That's not just Ted's struggle. It's our struggle."

Michelle Gatson, 37, said she felt reinvigorated by the service after a week that left her so spent, all she wanted to do was "be lying on the floor at home, crying." A member of the choir, she said she found healing in the songs of praise. "I love my pastor," she said. "But I'm glad I didn't put my faith in him. He's human."

Dealing with his demons

Added Ian Kallenbach, 26: "I hope he can deal with his demons."

Stockstill, who has been the Haggards' personal pastor for years, said he saw only relief in Ted Haggard's face when he informed him on Saturday that he was being removed from his position at New Life.

Haggard had been struggling for three years to balance his duties as pastor with the high-profile role as head of the evangelical association--a job that raised his political profile and got him invited to the Oval Office and in on conference calls with the White House.

Haggard had tried to carve out time to reflect and to write his books by secluding himself now and then in a Denver hotel. That apparently is when he first contacted the prostitute, Mike Jones, who advertised as a masseur in gay magazines.

Haggard alluded to this period in his letter, saying that his pride had prevented him from seeking counseling. "When I stopped communicating about my problems," he wrote, "the darkness increased and finally dominated me."