Saturday, July 9, 2011

Questions!

Today Julia Gillard reveals the detail of her Carbon Tax and Economic Destruction Laser Policy, under orders from her boss Bob Brown. It is very important to have the detail so that Tony Abbott can decide whether he is in favour of it or not in a rational and fair-minded way and not at all go running around screaming like a meth addict on fire.

And before we decide what we think, we need ANSWERS. To some QUESTIONS.

Questions LIKE:

1. What is a carbon tax?

2. Could you repeat that I didn't catch it?

3. Fuckin' carbon, how does it work?

4. If you tax carbon, isn't it true that Coca-Cola will be illegal?

5. Why do you call it a carbon tax when in fact it is a carbon dioxide tax and also why do you call it a carbon tax when in fact it is a Nazi plot?

6. Isn't it true that we need carbon dioxide to live and if we had lots more we would all be sexy giants?

7. Bob Brown is gay, right?

8. How often will the carbon tax be cleaned and checked for woodworm?

9. Under a carbon tax how much will it cost me to eat a cake?

10. Under a carbon tax how much will it cost me to milk a cow?

11. Under a carbon tax how much will it cost me to build a submarine?

12. Why institute a carbon tax when every day China builds a new volcano?

13. How often will the carbon tax indecently assault my daughter?

14. Why are the Greens in charge of the country when nobody likes them?

15. What sort of compensation will be available for me since I only eat jam sandwiches at the moment and am very cold?

16. Why do you hate coal? It is good. Don't you know that?

17. Under a carbon tax how much will it cost me to become an astronaut?

18. Who is hotter, Sarah Hanson-Young or Kate Ellis?

19. Wouldn't it be better to have a policy of direct action like for instance we could buy a really big air conditioner?

20. Isn't it true that under a carbon tax steel will not be a thing?

21. How many carbon taxes will there be per household?

22. If I have solar panels, what the hell, am I right?

23. Why do we even NEED a Great Barrier Reef?

24. Under a carbon tax, how many members of my family will be stoned to death in the annual lottery?

25. Is it true that Julia Gillard is a woman?

26. I have a rash. Why?

27. Under a carbon tax, how much will it cost me to bake a strudel?

28. Under a carbon tax, how much will it cost me to have my genitals surgicaly enlarged?

29. Have you heard that the Greens carry ceremonial daggers everywhere and are swornd to defend the honour of Ahura-Mazda?

2. Could you repeat that I didn't catch it? It’s a tax made from carbon.

3. Fuckin' carbon, how does it work? It doesn’t work, as seen on a current affair.

4. If you tax carbon, isn't it true that Coca-Cola will be illegal? Only in Tasmania.

5. Why do you call it a carbon tax when in fact it is a carbon dioxide tax and also why do you call it a carbon tax when in fact it is a Nazi plot? Because the marketing department decided that ‘carbon tax’ has broader appeal than the original ‘carbon dioxide nazi plot tax’

6. Isn't it true that we need carbon dioxide to live and if we had lots more we would all be sexy giants? The results are still coming in but at this early stage, yes, we have not ruled out sexy giants.

7. Bob Brown is gay, right? Wrong, he is gay left.

8. How often will the carbon tax be cleaned and checked for woodworm? Weekly in winter, daily in summer.

9. Under a carbon tax how much will it cost me to eat a cake? A whole cake will cost you about twenty bucks but a slice would only be a portion of that.

10. Under a carbon tax how much will it cost me to milk a cow? It depends on the breed.

11. Under a carbon tax how much will it cost me to build a submarine? Submarines will be cheaper under a carbon tax provided they are solar powered.

12. Why institute a carbon tax when every day China builds a new volcano? Because we supply the molten lava for those volcanos.

13. How often will the carbon tax indecently assault my daughter? The carbon tax is currently assisting police with their enquiries into this and other unrelated matters.

14. Why are the Greens in charge of the country when nobody likes them? Because nobody likes Tony Abbott even more.

15. What sort of compensation will be available for me since I only eat jam sandwiches at the moment and am very cold? There is no compensation for that, check your prescription.

16. Why do you hate coal? It is good. Don't you know that? You’re confusing it with Coca Cola.

17. Under a carbon tax how much will it cost me to become an astronaut? Under a carbon tax you won’t be able to become an astronaut because you just don’t have the marks.

18. Who is hotter, Sarah Hanson-Young or Kate Ellis? Kate.

19. Wouldn't it be better to have a policy of direct action like for instance we could buy a really big air conditioner? Tony Abbott will be making an announcement on really big air conditioners in due course.

20. Isn't it true that under a carbon tax steel will not be a thing? No, steel will still be a thing. It will just be a substantially more expensive thing.

21. How many carbon taxes will there be per household? Three for every light bulb.

22. If I have solar panels, what the hell, am I right? Yes, mate, you are sorted.

23. Why do we even NEED a Great Barrier Reef? Because it looks interesting in satellite pictures.

24. Under a carbon tax, how many members of my family will be stoned to death in the annual lottery? Depending on your luck, maybe one or two.

25. Is it true that Julia Gillard is a woman? According to the CIA world fact book, yes.

26. I have a rash. Why? Whatever your GP said.

27. Under a carbon tax, how much will it cost me to bake a strudel? It will cost you thirty per cent more than it does now because baked strudels will not be exempt from the carbon tax.

28. Under a carbon tax, how much will it cost me to have my genitals surgicaly enlarged? It will cost you thirty per cent less than it does now because genital enlargement surgery will be exempt from the carbon tax.

29. Have you heard that the Greens carry ceremonial daggers everywhere and are sworn to defend the honour of Ahura-Mazda? Yeah but all the kids are into that type of stuff nowadays.

30. Under a carbon tax how much will it cost me to suffocate deer? There will be peak and off peak rates for deer suffocation, write to your local member.

A: Three. One carbon tax to force everyone to switch it off, one ETS to provide the new "energy efficient light bulb" and a mining tax... just for the hell of it (because we are sick of mining CEOs topping 50% of the list of the top 10 billionaires in Australia every year whilst crying poor on News Ltd publications about taxes leaving them destitute on the streets of Mosman.)