When It's OK Not to Tell the Truth to Elderly Parents

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As you walk through the door of his room at the nursing home, your dementia-stricken father asks why his wife, your late mother, isn't with you. He's forgotten that she died. You don't want to upset him, so you're tempted to make up a story about her being on a trip. Should you?

The experts say you shouldn't. But that doesn't mean you have to tell him the whole truth, either.

Is honesty the best policy in every scenario? Consider these four other situations in which many of us would be tempted to bend the truth:

You just got a serious, worrisome health diagnosis. Should you tell your mother?

"It depends on the severity of the diagnosis," Robbins says. "If you think you're going to die before she does, tell her. But you might want to take it in steps."

Ashley Uhler, program strategies director of Country Meadows Retirement Communities in Pennsylvania and Maryland, says, "I think everyone deserves to hear the diagnosis once. Tell the truth, because you both might to do things differently with the possibly brief time you have left. Put the information out there and gauge the reaction. If parents don't process what this means, then there's no point rehashing it."

Your dad isn't driving safely and you know his license and car need to be taken away. Should you tell him it's all your idea?

No — and you don't have to tell him alone, either. In this case, experts say it's OK to pass the buck by enlisting an outsider. "The lead person in this conversation shouldn't be a family member," says David Solie, geriatric psychologist and author of How to Say It to Seniors: Closing the Communication Gap With Our Elders. "It's better when news like this comes from an outside person with authority, such as the parent's doctor."

While you may temper your responses to a parent's questions, it's important to express your own concerns honestly. "Sometimes, the greatest tactic is to be heartfelt about how the situation is affecting you," Uhler says. "That's when Mom or Dad may be most likely to listen. This stops a lot of the power struggles."

It might help you to know that you're not the only one tempted to fudge the truth in these difficult conversations. "You might think the answers to challenges like these are obvious, but they're not generally obvious to people," Robbins says. "Often caregivers feel very alone with these dilemmas. In general, these difficult decisions – should a parent go to an assisted living home, should someone drive – work better when children aren't in the position of laying down the law. You can let a doctor be the bad guy so you're able to express empathy to your parents for whatever they perceive they're losing."

Your father has received a tough medical diagnosis. How much do you reveal to him?

"If I'm meeting with family members and laying out the situation with regard to someone with dementia," Robbins says, "I don't necessarily include the person with dementia.

"But if the father has his full cognitive capability, answer his direct questions honestly. You can also honestly say: 'Prognoses are highly variable. Some people live a short time, some live a long time. There are some things that can be done to prolong your life.'"

Keep in mind it's not always what you say, it's how you say it. For a talk like this, or one of any of the stressful discussions on this list, you should always prepare ahead of time, set the right tone, follow your parent's cues and, above all, listen.