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An undercover Irvington journalist recently received intel that college admission officers secretly mock subpar application essays during happy hour at a local cafe. In a follow-up investigation, the journalist recorded the officers dissing students with less than a 4.2 GPA.

“Yeah, the average GPA for college applicants to UCLA is 4.39,” said Officer Har Vard. “That means if you have anything less, you better have a lot of other things going for you.”

Officer Burr Kelly went on to justify, “Well yea, anyone who doesn’t meet these standards has to have an extracurricular activity equivalent to starting their own business or nonprofit.”

Officer Vard scoffed, “Pfft. Non-profits are nothing. It’s not like students discover cures for cancer or start global businesses aimed at ending world hunger. Most end up creating non-profits teaching young children how to code. The kids in Silicon Valley are born knowing how to code.”

“The closest students get to political change is becoming a club president, but most club presidents don’t even do anything. Some people preside over clubs that don’t even exist. Just because a club existed in the past doesn’t mean it’s a real one now,” added Officer Kelly.

“And don’t even even get me started on student government. Made up of students who pride themselves of being representative of the entire student body, they don’t even know half of what goes on in their school,” said Officer Vard. “Some don’t even know the difference between journalism and yearbook.”

In addition to downgrading the high-achieving students’ GPA scores and extracurriculars, the admissions officers also listed out the worst extracurriculars–including school clubs and sports– for average high schoolers. Apparently, the most embarrassing extracurriculars included Track and Field and Debate.

“There’s no qualification to getting in!” said Officer Kelly. “Any loser can go to a tournament in November and one in February, lose both, and call themselves a debater.”

“Track and Field is the same,” said Officer Vard. “No wonder there are 173 members in Track and Field. Out of the 20 people in every event, only 6 actually deserve to be there.”

Based on these findings, a reasonable conclusion can be that getting into college is a game of luck, and most should aim for community college as their dream school.