Dark humor of offbeat horror-scopes

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Dark humor of offbeat horror-scopes

This columnist once worked at a newspaper where the horoscope writer died on the job. We couldn't resist looking up what he'd written for his own day of passing - and found that he had clearly failed to predict it. "An active day," the relevant entry said. "You'll feel productive." Until a replacement was found, the rest of us took turns writing his zodiac predictions.The lunar new year almanac fe...

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This columnist once worked at a newspaper where the horoscope writer died on the job. We couldn't resist looking up what he'd written for his own day of passing - and found that he had clearly failed to predict it.

"An active day," the relevant entry said. "You'll feel productive."

Until a replacement was found, the rest of us took turns writing his zodiac predictions.

The lunar new year almanac fell to the newspaper's crime reporter - me. And thus began a tradition in which I wrote annual "horror-scopes" based on the birthdays and profiles of famous criminal cases. The latest is below.

Disclaimer: this is not intended to offend anyone in particular. It is intended to offend everyone equally.

* * *

Pig (people born in 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1982, 1995, 2007)

You wear your underwear for a month at a time and your hobby is stealing mail from neighbors' letter boxes. You vacillate between veganism and cannibalism.

Rat (1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1983, 1996, 2008)

Your hobby is making hoax phone calls to the emergency services. You enjoy testing poisons on family members, and would love to start your own war.

Ox (1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1984, 1997, 2009)

You like getting into overcrowded train carriages to rub against strangers. Your goal for this year is to be arrested more frequently. Everybody hates you.

Tiger (1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1985, 1998, 2010)

You love animals, especially for genetic experiments. You work hard at your main hobby, which is planting drugs on people at airports. You have three nipples.

Rabbit (1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1986, 1999, 2011)

You have a beautiful head of hair, under which you hide horn-like growths. Many of your friends don't know you're the world's biggest arms smuggler.

Dragon (1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1987, 2000, 2012)

You're a people trafficker who relaxes by robbing charity shops. Your aim is to one day appear at the International Criminal Court charged with genocide.

Snake (1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1988, 2001, 2013)

You like to kidnap people and hold them to ransom. You eat toenail clippings and smell funny.

Horse (1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014)

You are good with technology and are personally responsible for sending out a third of the world's spam e-mails. You are wanted in 19 countries.

Ram (1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003)

Your hobby is devising new methods of torture. You drink blood and have hair growing on your forehead. Your children are plotting to kill you.

Monkey (1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004)

You enjoy polluting harbors and major waterways. You believe cartoons are real-life events taking place in other dimensions. You have dandruff.

Rooster (1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005)

Cynical and bitter, you have a tendency to murder people who cross you, but the number of victims is falling as you mature. You like to undress in crowded shopping malls.

Dog (1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1981, 1994, 2006)

You enjoy mugging people in dark alleys. Your family relationships are bad, or at least they were until you killed all your relatives.

Happy Year of the Pig!

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