Archive for September 2011

Last Tuesday, I was cleaning my apartment for my Uncles visit and wondered what the hell the smell coming out of the vacuum was. I opened up the container and saw the culprit. (If you have a weak stomach, stop reading here. Mom, just stop reading this blog.) Like a month ago I got puke on my bathroom floor (missed the toilet) and tried to vacuum it up in the morning. I didn’t rinse it out so now the puke was sitting at the bottom of the container covered in mold. It. Was. Fucking. Gross. I had to clean that shit out with my bare hands, too. Yet another rock bottom moment.

Saturday my friend and I went to the bar at noon to watch the Michigan State game. We started off at the “Alumni Bar” in Portland, which turned out to be all people in their 40’s who didn’t appreciate my excessive use of the word “fuck”. Our friend picked us up at half time and took us to a bar where my profanities were better accepted, which was good because we ended up sucking nut against Notre Dame.

We met a group of guys and ended up going back to their apartment after the game for an impromptu dance party. I should clarify, I wasn’t exactly blacked out at this point, but was definitely grayed out. At some point during the evening, I decided I had had enough and needed to get the eff out of there. I ended up walking to a random bar, ordering water, drunk dialing a few people, and ultimately ended my night the best way possible: knee deep in a sandwich and chips from my neighborhood deli.

I didn’t have a hangover Sunday for once in my life. Turns out, if you just chug the shit out of water in between vodka sodas, life isn’t a living hell the next day. This didn’t stop me from not contributing anything to society and practically getting bed sores from not moving off my couch. I ate an entire leftover pot of soup, then it was like “No Carb Left Behind”. Any bread or cracker within a mile radius was in my belly.

Monday I wore a low cut dress to work and also got free curly fries from the chef in the cafeteria. Coincidence? I think not.

On my run home from pilates that night, a hobo with a cardboard sign begging for money told me I was gorgeous and asked for my phone number. First off, that makes no fucking sense. If you’re begging for money, how the hell are you going to pay a cell phone bill? Second, my standards aren’t that high, but come on.

Last night I went grocery shopping and they had Thai curry cashews in the bulk aisle. Because I’m no more than a common thief, I filled up a bag and did my usual “snack and shop”. When I got home, I had 3 slices of bread and an ENTIRE TUB OF HUMMUS. Just the fact that it only took me 3 pieces of bread should show you the ridiculous portions I pile on a single slice.

MAX story of the week: An obese man got on the MAX, sat down, smelled his own fingers, gagged, then tried to wipe them off on the seats around him. I feel bad for anyone that sat in those seats after him.

Vegan Reason of the week: “Researchers at Harvard, Yale, Penn State, and the National Institute of Health have studies the effects of dairy intake on bones. Not one of these studies found dairy to be a deterrent to osteoporosis. On the contrary, a study funded by the National Dairy Council itself revealed that the high protein content of dairy actually leaches calcium from the body. After looking at thirty-four published studies in sixteen countries with the highest rates of osteoporosis – including United States, Sweden, and Finland – were those in which people consumed the most meat, milk, and other animal foods. In fact, in the forty tribes in Kenya and Tanzania, only one – The Maasai – have members suffering from osteoporosis. The Maasai, as it happens, are a cattle-owning, milk-drinking tribe.” (Freedman, Barnouin)

I guess I should start with two Friday’s ago, when I tried to go running and was mistaken for a Hood to Coast participant. It took me awhile to put together what was going on. At first, I just thought it was really cool and bizarre people were cheering for me as I ran by. I thought I was just running extra awesome that day.

That Saturday was packed full of activity. I had soccer, pilates, and then went tubing on the Willamette. I didn’t drink but my girlfriend did. She weighs about 90 pounds and was intoxicated off of three Mike’s Harder Lemonades. Yes, they were called “Harder”. Just when you thought Mike’s couldn’t get any tougher…

Never one to turn down a food challenge, I did the “Fire Ball Challenge” at Salvador Molly’s, which you may have seen on Man vs. Food. Is anyone else waiting for Adam Richman to have a heart attack? Anyway, I had seen my friend do the challenge before and I’m pretty sure he shit fire… for like two days. So I only ordered one ball which I actually thought was pretty tasty and my mouth only mildly tasted like burning.

Later we went to a bowling alley/arcade out in Beaverton. After hanging out with sweaty, pimply teenagers for far too long, we decided to cash in our tickets. I decided to go for the fake mustache. I was trying it on for a few laughs and one of the hairs flew into my mouth and got caught in my throat. I spent the next five minutes choking on the mustache hair and had to go up to the bar (still wearing the mustache) and ask for water. I don’t have a picture from that night, but it looked something like this:

Oddly enough, I’ve been in a bowling alley with a mustache before.

Wednesday I walked into our cafeteria to refill my water and a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt, that I’ve never spoken to in my life, walked up to me and said “I’ve always loved your golden tan skin.” What the hell? I laughed nervously and got the fuck out of there.

That night I ate a salad for dinner, but was still hungry so I ate a pickle.. or five. Then I may or may not have drank the left over juice. Do I disgust you yet?

Last Friday I skipped the gym and went out to dinner with girlfriends. I wasn’t going to drink buuuuuut that only lasted about half-way into dinner when I was reading the cocktail list and went from six to midnight. I ended up at a Karaoke bar and really turned into a weirdo when guy asked me to smell his cologne… and I smelled his armpit. He bolted. I guess some people have “boundary issues” or some shit.

I had to excuse myself during my facial the next morning and go puke in the bathroom. Then picked up a bag of Salt and Vinegar chips on the way home and ate the whole thing.

Saturday night I went to Oktoberfest with some friends. A table of men started talking to me and asked me where I worked. I told them and then threw the question back at them. The first guy said he worked at Outback Steakhouse and then I was wondering why the rest of them were nodding. Turns out, they ALL worked at Outback. If I were in the market for a Bloomin’ Onion, I might have been more excited about the table of men hitting on me.

Sunday was the worst hangover of my life and it lasted into Monday. That fucking medication I’m on is ruining my life. Is it a bad sign that I can’t put the blame on alcohol? Yes.

Good news, creeps! I’m losing weight again. Turns out running in the mornings before work, pilates, soccer, and eating right makes a difference. I was 166.5 this week. Booyaaaaa! Sixteen more pounds and I’ll be back to my high school weight. Maybe I can fit into those sweet lace up jeans I used to wear too.

I’m going to start giving you a “Vegan Reason” every week:

“Half of all the antibiotics made in the US each year are administered to farm animals, causing antibiotic resistance in the humans who eat them. A study at the University of California-Berkeley linked eating beef to urinary tract infections in women. It just so happens that the most common infectious disease in women is UTIs. You do that math.” (Freedman, Barnouin)