Where do I even begin? While I am sure that you gave every penguin with a TV set a stiff fin last night, I can’t say that any human being will like that strange dress you’ve got going on there.

First off, the white oval on your torso makes it look like you’re in your second trimester, which you’re not. Secondly, is the dress made of neoprene? It looks like you could go from this “So You Think You Can Dance?” taping to a quick scuba session.

Lastly, stop letting the audience chime in with “judges.” I know that’s not a fashion issue, but still, it must be said.