Change the Script: From Chaos to Creation

Since my earliest days, I enjoyed nature and exploring. My home environment was supportive in a lot of ways, but also stressful and fragmented, so I always felt in balance outdoors, where wonder, mystery, quiet, and non-judgment lived.

Then, as early adolescence took hold and I was processing my self, others, and my surroundings more intensely, I became highly self-conscious, drastically altered my diet to the point of anorexia, pulled away from the sunshine at large, and started my entry into an increasingly withdrawn state—all of which would last for two decades.

My outdoor exploring eventually led to internal exploring, and while my mind created great imbalances that had me depressed and sometimes pondering death for periods of time, the wonder and mystery still continued, and a stable core could always be perceived underneath it all.

And so I lived with two predominant energies; one that was melancholic and one that was optimistic. The former kept me from changing and expanding as quickly as the latter would have had me, but what needed to happen for me happened, so that I could eventually learn the lessons I was being given.

I took the path of higher education for 8 1/2 years and received degrees and certifications for studying psychology, working with kids in schools, and developing coaching skills. It was a bumpy time to navigate; these seemingly contrary mindstates were present along with other trials and troubles, but they shaped me and my approach to everything. Overall, it’s been the harder life lessons that seem to have significantly increased my understanding of my self and the world.

I began to think that they were needed in order to learn and grow the most. But this belief changed several years ago.

Yoga found me in the midst of all the turmoil during my 20s, and I began to take it more seriously at 31. Restructuring my life made yoga a priority, and all else secondary. I attribute this system of knowledge with altering my course in a way that nothing else has yet been able to do. It has given me a satisfactory understanding of why I might be here as a human in the first place and has made it difficult for me to return to the patterns I formerly kept.

To ensure that yoga stays a priority, self-discipline became a must. Frequent daily choices are necessary to keep me on track instead of falling off the wagon for any overindulgent length of time, if at all. To finally have arrived at the place where intellectual, physical, and spiritual practices are each present daily is not something that came easy, or overnight. But now that I have been given the opportunity to live this way, I don’t want to squander it. It’s opened me up to other possibilities, and I am being shown that you don’t just need to learn the hard way. It’s feasible, and even simple, to learn the smooth way. Phew.

But I had to first acknowledge the stories and beliefs I was repeating that had led to the stale habits and patterns I kept up. Then I altered my perspectives to change the script and create the lifestyle I really wanted—the one that was aligned with my core values. As a result, what needed to happen for me during the first, and most pronounced, round of change was splitting up with my partner, giving my cat to my sister, leaving my job, getting rid of most of my belongings, selling my house, and moving to another state.

It just happened to unfold this way all at once—likely because it was a long time coming and I didn’t heed the red flags in earlier years for it to have occurred gradually. However, it’s not what needs to happen for everyone in order to bring about wellness. Incremental changes also lead us closer to that moment where we breathe more freely for having arrived at a more compatible reality.

Over time, I’ve been able to figure out what drains me and what I need to do to mitigate this. It helped when I realized that I’ve been experiencing symptoms related to adhd, learning difficulties, depression, and fatigue. I am empathic and introverted to a degree I still don’t know the extent of. So I’ve come up with more successful strategies for recharging and energizing my self now, while also trying not to overly identify with the notions above.

Despite any difficulties that have appeared, I have humor and love to laugh, am neutral about a whole lot, and can sometimes sit here, like today, and get hit with the impression that I am absolutely in love with the being I am, regardless of all the things I’ve thought, said, and done and will continue to think, say, and do.

I’ve brought self-harm and sickness upon my self, and I’ve done what was needed so that health and well-being could start to surface. Experiencing both positions, along with the transition that linked the two ways of being, gave me first-hand knowledge of the process for recovery.

My understanding of dis-ease also enlarged, which has allowed me to connect with and serve folks who have a variety of needs. Coaching is one of the byproducts of my taking on the challenge to change the script and create a new lifestyle, and opening my self up to what might be publicly needed of me and the skill set I’ve been given.

I don’t take this service lightly. I am committed to a lifetime of self-work and aim to create a safe and sacred learning space for those who’d like to do the same.

KB is a personalized coach and yoga student. Inspirations include explorers, those determined to break through internal barriers and stereotypes, and those who embrace nature. Each contribute to her sessions and day-to-day through a willingness to investigate, challenge perceived limits, and understand our relationship with the cosmos. She is currently holding a Change the Script workshop in NYC to highlight the connection between self-reflection, reconstruction, and well-being.

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