Monday, January 18, 2010

I’m so exhausted that there’s nothing else I could possibly write about, except actually I’m so exhausted that I can’t possibly write

But I want to tell you about dancing, when I got up I was dancing, for a few minutes I even got to that place of total invincibility which is a lie but oh how I love that lie those few minutes of pure flying in the air the air through my head no the thoughts in my head the thoughts through the air like flying a lie it happens so fast so fast I could feel the exhaustion pouring in through the dancing but it felt okay. Until I stopped.

I want to tell you about something that happened in my sleep, a shudder in my chest it woke me up I thought oh, memory, childhood, incest, helplessness, my body, but then when I fell back asleep someone was holding me through movement I would fly through the air and into his arms or over his head and down into his lap that type of contact I miss so much and in the dream it didn’t hurt at all it was hope and home and help and then when I got up I wondered maybe, maybe that’s what I need, maybe I could take a contact improv class and it wouldn’t hurt at all it would help it would help me to feel supported except now here I am in all this pain already.