Control

The concept of giving up control to a higher power can prove difficult for many of us who are in recovery. When I first got sober, I felt like I had to control everything. If one thing was out of place in my house, I was upset. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect and in control, that I actually started spiraling out of control.

In my AA meetings, people talked about giving up control, letting life happen on life’s terms, etc., but I didn’t understand what that meant. I couldn’t relate to people who were easy-going, and I didn’t see how I could become one of them. People assured me that if I just kept coming back and was willing to listen, my life would improve.

I wanted to get better, so I kept going back, and things slowly started getting better. I heard stories that mirrored my own. I listened to other people who had more sobriety than me.

The thing that made the biggest difference was my willingness to become self-aware. Since I’m sober, I’m aware of my actions and their consequences. I see how my behavior affects others, positively or negatively.

I’m still a work in progress, but everyday I make a goal for myself to be a better person. I try to have more patience, I try not to judge others, I try not to put down others whose opinions are different than mine. If I make a mistake, I acknowledge it.

I’m starting to see changes in my marriage and my children that I never thought was possible. My spouse and I are listening to each other, not talking over each other. I’m trying to be more understanding with my children, and they appreciate when I stop and listen to them.

There are some days when I feel like a complete failure, I yell, lose my patience, and become irritated. But when I calm down, I have the ability to see what I need to work on. My eyes are open, so I look at my mistakes, try to correct them, and do better next time.