Author
Topic: A friend gone (Read 5554 times)

Over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, I was at a couple of parties and I ran into a girl from college I had not seen in awhile. We started talking about college and what we were all up to, then she told me something really interesting. She was friends with two girls in college. I knew the girls but I never really hung out with them other than the occasional college party. They were really close but a couple years ago, she had a falling out with one of them. Because it was something between the two of them she never talked about it with the other friend even though the other friend knew what was going on.

She though that things were cool between the other friend until this year when that friend just completely stopped talking to her. She would send emails which there would be no answer and all calls would go to voicemail. Then she heard through the grapevine what had happened was that the friend that she had a falling out was actually pressuring the other friend to stop talking to her and to end the friendship. And finally that friend just gave in.

What makes her upset is that she felt that it was something between the two of them and always kept it to herself and never tried to pressure the other friend to take sides. Now she never got to say her side of the story. Now she wants to confront both of them and hash it between the three of them

I told her not to waste her time. If that friend gave into the pressure from the friend she had a falling out with and not even hear her side of the story she's not worth it. And whatever she says not going to change anyone's mind.

Just curious to see what you all think. It feels like she is looking for closure.

Just curious to see what you all think. It feels like she is looking for closure.

I think closure is overrated, at least in situations like this. If saying her peace to the both of them would really and truly allow her to feel better about it, that's one thing. But it wouldn't, especially if as you say she really just wants the last word. But no matter what she wants - or thinks she wants - confronting them is so unlikely to result in her truly feeling better that I just don't think it's worth the effort. Even if by some miracle they sat still and silent while she harangued them, and didn't interrupt with their own side of things, what in the world would it accomplish? No one's mind would be changed. She might feel better for awhile, but inevitably she'd get annoyed again, if only because she'd think of even more things she should've said.

This doesn't sound like one of those situations where she can make a simple, factual, non-subjective statement that would actually change or clarify things. Something soap opera-ish, like "You hate me because you think I slept with your lover, Raoul, at the New Year's Eve party up at the old haunted mansion. I just thought you should know, I wasn't even at the mansion that New Year's Eve. I was up in the International Space Station, saving the world from parasitic aliens, and I can prove it! So thank you so much for your faith in me, and you're welcome for not having an alien inside your brain right now. Good day. I said good day!"

Unless she can say something like that - with different details, of course, if only because there aren't that many guys named Raoul and her superiors would never allow her to admit to fighting aliens on the ISS - there's absolutely no point to confrontation.

Just curious to see what you all think. It feels like she is looking for closure.

I think closure is overrated, at least in situations like this. If saying her peace to the both of them would really and truly allow her to feel better about it, that's one thing. But it wouldn't, especially if as you say she really just wants the last word. But no matter what she wants - or thinks she wants - confronting them is so unlikely to result in her truly feeling better that I just don't think it's worth the effort. Even if by some miracle they sat still and silent while she harangued them, and didn't interrupt with their own side of things, what in the world would it accomplish? No one's mind would be changed. She might feel better for awhile, but inevitably she'd get annoyed again, if only because she'd think of even more things she should've said.

This doesn't sound like one of those situations where she can make a simple, factual, non-subjective statement that would actually change or clarify things. Something soap opera-ish, like "You hate me because you think I slept with your lover, Raoul, at the New Year's Eve party up at the old haunted mansion. I just thought you should know, I wasn't even at the mansion that New Year's Eve. I was up in the International Space Station, saving the world from parasitic aliens, and I can prove it! So thank you so much for your faith in me, and you're welcome for not having an alien inside your brain right now. Good day. I said good day!"

Unless she can say something like that - with different details, of course, if only because there aren't that many guys named Raoul and her superiors would never allow her to admit to fighting aliens on the ISS - there's absolutely no point to confrontation.

Thanks for the laugh, PeterM. I don't know any guys named Raoul but I do know one named Raul!

Back on topic, regarding the bolded, ITA. And I think it's something you learn from life experience. You think you want closure and you do what it takes to get it and then you end up not feeling better or possibly, feeling even worse. Because nothing actually gets resolved. "The last word" is also overrated. It's just never as satisfying as you think it will be. And the reality is that regardless of who verbalizes this last word, the former friends are the ones who will have it by choosing to end the friendship.

Advice to your friend: run, don't walk, away from these two people and move on. She's better off without either of them.

Closure can be achieved with the written letter method. Write the letter (by hand, if you can), rewrite it, get it all out, then destroy all copies. You get to say your piece, feel like you had the last word, expressed yourself, whatever. But no more drama, no more 'but she said you did x', no more mess.

Why should she keep up the drama? Contacting either will only start a new cycle.

What LeMon suggested is great. A way that I like is to write it out like a story. Make your great statement, without interruption, have the two fall sobbing at your feet begging forgiveness, and grandly stalk from the room.

It is the ONLY way to get the perfect outcome. And once you have had a great laugh, you can delete it, realizing what everyone else said here is true: walk away, because there is no satisfaction in this kind of situation.

Logged

I have enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three cars across a sizeable desert. Which makes me officially...Three Cars Crazy

I've found it far more satisfying to learn that I don't have to have the last word, than it ever was actually having the last word. It's very liberating. I agree that closure is over-rated.

Logged

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain