I Nearly Snorted and Gambled My Life Away — And I'll Never Forgive Myself

I used to snort prescribed pills off the back of toilets in gambling parlors. I fed every paycheck into brightly lit machines with promises of a better, richer tomorrow. I lied constantly about when I was coming home. My insides are scarred from the mistakes I once made.

It's not everyday I'm ashamed of myself, not like it used to be, but it's almost every couple of days now. I still harbor the hatred and self-loathing. It's a constant reminder of the person I once was. It doesn't matter how many years I try to put in between 'present' me and the 'old' me, it is seemingly never enough.

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I can still hear my boyfriend's voice as he delivered that ultimatum.

I knew it was an empty threat. I was strung out and drunk sitting on a swivel stool surrounded by cigarette smoke trying to recoup my losses. I couldn't leave. I would lose the love of my life first before I left my gambling paradise. I still remember how I always thought I would win, just a few more tries then I would go home.

More often than not, I always lost more money trying to win. It wasn't only the gambling. It was the person the pills made me become. Once an honest person, I had become a lying, gambling drunk. I spent too many nights where I could have sat next to someone who loved me, but I chose to go to the dog track. I chose to write checks I knew weren't good. There was no money in the bank. It was all being fed into machines. Why deposit a paycheck when you could cash it and maybe win big?

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The big win came one time to the tune of $800. That's all I ever really won. I lost so much more. I gained well over 60 pounds during the three years of addiction, and I lost what little self esteem I had. If I ever thought I was pretty, it was shredded when I couldn't button my pants or afford to buy new ones.

I lost trust when I stole a credit card because I thought I deserved some new things. After it was discovered, I gritted my teeth and lied. It took an hour before the evidence was produced and I eventually confessed. At that precise minute, I became untrustworthy. I became a thief and a liar. I will never forget the look in my boyfriend's eyes. He had trusted me, he had loved me, and he was looking at a person he didn't know anymore. These memories haunt and eat away at the person I am today.

It took me a little over a year to reach a point where I could snort 20 plus pills a day, gamble most of my afternoon and night away, and alienate anyone who loved me. It's coming up on a decade since I quit cold turkey.

I've never been back to one of those gambling parlors. I lost all the weight I had gained. I have a job I love, and I married that man who said 'he would leave me' when he was trying to save me.

Yet, no matter how many years I put between me and those mistakes, I can't forgive myself. I can't let go and just feel like I've done enough to make amends, not even with myself. The shame combined with a never ending stream of guilt has created a strong hold telling me that I will never be good enough.

I'm an awful person who loved pills, gambling, and liquor more than I loved my family and friends. Deep in the pit of stomach is the incessant nagging reminding me of every wrongdoing I've ever committed. Those wrongs define me. Every morning I wake up I let them keep defining me. I let them dictate the amount of work I aim to achieve because today I want to make up for the person I once was. Sometimes, I ask myself, "when is it enough?" I always thought it would be when I stopped getting that deep soul crunching guilt in my stomach, but that feeling never goes away. It's always there.

Forgiveness is easy to bestow when someone wrongs you, but what do you do when that someone was yourself? I hurt the people I loved the most. And I don't know how to forgive myself.