Of course I am being hilariously sarcastic, Allardyce doesn't have any friends and everybody hates West Ham. Allardyce once said his management skills would be more suited for teams like Real Madrid than Bolton or Blackburn, after making himself look like a massive vagina, he used the good old "I was just joking" excuse, saying the comments were tongue in cheek. I found this quote from talksport -

“At the end of the day I work how I work, I say what I think. I give an opinion that people like or dislike. Im a bit Marmite-ish at the moment, you either love me or you hate me"

In my opinion Allardyce is more like the block of cheese hiding at the back of your fridge. You completely forget it's there, then one day you open the door and you are confronted by it's offensive odour and appearance. Much like Allardyce's managerial career in the last few years, you quickly throw it in the bin and try to forget it ever happened but unfortunately the smell lingers around for days.

It would appear I'm typing too much tonight, I'll cover this next story quickly. Bellamy to be the next manager of Cardiff? Definitely not, he's 31, easily capable to play on at the top level and still on Man City's books making £90,000 a week. That was easy. I'll look a right twat if I'm wrong.

FIFA are hiding in their evil lair in Switzerland, plotting their next attempt at world domination. But never fear the English and Scottish Football Associations are here! To ask FIFA really nicely to stop being so nasty.

With Sepp Blatter's live conference yesterday essentially being boiled down to "haters gonna hate". Planet Earth is now faced with the realism that Blatter will most likely be in charge for another 4 years. Considering he is running unopposed, it would take a meteorite or raising of the dead to stop the inevitable. What little resistance there is to Sepp, is coming from the good old British Isles, who want FIFA to delay the elections according to the BBC -

The FA now wants the vote delayed and an independent body to recommend "improved governance" of Fifa.
An SFA statement added: "The election should be rescheduled to facilitate a period of consultation."

Whilst the FA and SFA were voicing their concerns, FIFA were in Zurich having a party, there were clowns, jugglers and Grace Jones was wearing some leather S&M outfit. I really have no idea what was going on but that really did happen. Without being there to witness Joseph Blatter's reaction when he heard the news, I can only imagine he shrugged his shoulders, cracked open another bottle of wine, lit a cigar with a burning $50 bill , spanked Grace Jones' bare arse with an ivory cane and demanded another song.

Cheeky scamp Michael Owen has stated his desire to remain at Old Trafford for another year so he can help relegate more clubs and get paid for sitting on his arse.

The former England striker picked up a Champions League runner-up medal the other night at Wembley, which is not the same as winning a Champions League winners medal with Liverpool, and he also now has a Premiership medal. After parading around Manchester following their title win, the Welsh Englishman gave some quotes about how 'it's been great here blah blah I want to get paid lots of money blah blah I score the 4th of 5 goals now and again'. He's so boring. Not one affair, fight (if you exclude his 'banter' with Piers Morgan on twitter). What kind of a footballer is this?

From up high in my internet warrior's fortress I can enjoy mocking the rich and famous while girls dressed only in lingerie deliver me ice cold beers and laugh at my every blog post. If they weren't my sister and Mum I'd be awesome.

Gerard Houllier, manager of Aston Villa and poster boy for heart disease campaigners around the world has overcome his potential ill-health and death to be rewarded by being let go by his employers!

According to our sources (google) Randy Lerner is going to tell Houllier to fuck off, but in a nice way because he doesn't want him to have a heart attack in his office. When you die you evacuate your bowels you see and Lerner has spent a lot of money on those leather chairs. No-one wants to take that risk. Houllier stands to make quite a bit of money if doctors can prove that he is medically fit to remain in charge of the club - £5 million if the stories are true - so obviously it's within his interests to be named fit. Even though he probably might not be.

It's basically that scene in the Simpsons before Homer has a triple heart bypass and tries to sign his life insurance.

Sepp Blatter and his friends (the name of the worst sounding sitcom of all time), have been dragging the name of football through the dirt for the last few weeks. We should remember that the Italians have been at it for years.

Luciano Moggi, photographed above probably phoning in a favour, is an ex-director of Juventus. He is accused of leading a secret network, which consisted of referees and Italian FA officials who worked together to help Juventus get millions of penalties. If found guilty, he could face almost 6 years in prison. It's almost easy to forget that not so long ago Juventus were stripped of their titles and relegated to Serie B for bribing match officials. They are now back in Serie A and it almost seems like a weird dream, or someone pissed about with the football manager editor.

Now I'm not sure how I feel about this, I mean obviously cheating is cool until you get caught. It just seems that these sentences are a little extreme, it's just football for fuck sake.The other men involved all face a minimum of 4 years in jail. This in a country where they worship an ex nazi-youth member who fronts an organisation that molest young boys and advises people against using contraception, even if they have super AIDS. Need I say more.

Finally some sense in the SPL, otherwise known as the worst league in the world. Perhaps this is why Langfield had a stroke, or whatever it was I just wrote about.

these people are 'role models' to Scottish children

According to Dunfermline's chairman John Yorkston, the league's proposed 10 club SPL has been binned and replaced with the idea of a 14 team league, which is getting closer to what might actually make it work. The other guys might be just playing a joke on Yorkston though so don't get too excited - Dunfermline aren't in the loop quite yet and so it's easy to just leave them out of in-jokes like the jerks that people who run football clubs might do. I'm basing this on school but I'm pretty sure the analogy will hold up.

My proposed idea is that the Old Firm are launched into outer space and wherever they land is where they should play each other to the death, leaving the rest of the teams in Scotland to form an entertaining sport where people like Neil Lennon aren't paid lots of money to start fights in bars!

Aberdeen goalkeeper Jamie Langfield is in hospital after having a seizure which is NAE GOOD!

The Scotland stopper isn't dead yet so Aberdeen haven't started looking for a new keeper immediately. I'm pleased because Jim Leighton has been retired for a few years now and I don't think he'd be just the best option, no matter how cheap he would be. Duncan Fraser, the Aberdeen Chief Executive gave some quotes somewhere about how they hope Jamie will be OK and that their thoughts are with his family blah blah blah, but he didn't mention anything about rockets, prostitutes or fire and so I decided not to include them. I knew you'd understand.

"You don't want certain individuals thinking they are Pele.
"I won't mention any names. Put two and two together and you can work it out."
The dig was clearly aimed at Blackpool playmaker Adam, who played through the pain barrier in Sunday's final in Dublin.

So Stephen Hunt is calling out a player for thinking he's better than he is? It is difficult to stay grounded in a world where football clubs constantly want to buy you, pay you stupid amounts of money and look after your every need and it's even more difficult to stay sane when you comprehend the fact that Stephen Hunt is actually also a human. After giving his 2 cents to The Sun he retired to his caravan to live among the other creatures. Allegedly.

Apparently the sulky vampire was a boy hood fan of the Toon Army and now there's a giant, striker sized hole and a bank full of cash available at St James Park it may just be time for a move that will ruin his career! Huzzah!

ahh I see what they've done there

This rumour has been fired about quite a lot over the last couple of days though the price of £7.5 million seems a little short of what a Golden Boot winner would normally command. At least when he eventually loses his ongoing personal battle and does indeed feast on the blood of humans as we all know will happen soon, Newcastle town center will just look the same as it does on a Saturday at 5am anyway and no one will mind. I'm fixing all of life's problems one at a time.

I hope this doesn't involve throwing him into a fiery pit or anything like that:

According to reports today, Roman Abramovich, who still isn't the Chelsea manager as far as I'm aware, wants to get rid of Nicolas Anelka. The Daily Mirror says:

The Blues' Russian ruler is fielding interest in veteran hitman Drogba personally in the absence of either a manager or director of football at the club - but his preference is to keep the long-serving star.

Abramovich has a great history with transfer dealings and strikers. In his short time as a football fan he identified Andriy Shevchenko as a perfect way to piss £30 million up a wall and then decided to make it rain at Anfield by paying a British record £50 million for a player who went on to score 1 goal, and who clearly can't be arsed. I really hope Torres comes good next season because about a season ago he was immense. Whoever takes over at Chelsea not only has to make them win everything, but he has to do it with the ghost of Fernando haunting Didier Drogba up front. If there's one guy I could choose to fight ghosts it would be Drogba.

Paul Scholes, also known as the ginger assassin, has today announced his retirement from football, aged 36.

Perhaps one of the most gifted midfielders of his generation, Scholes is revered by the likes of Iniesta, Zidane and other greats which means he was probably (and is) quite good.

"This was not a decision I've taken lightly but I feel now is the right time for me to stop playing," he said.
The famously low key Scholes stated: "I am not a man of many words but I can honestly say that playing football is all I have ever wanted to do and to have had such a long and successful career at Manchester United has been a real honour.
"To have been part of the team that helped the club reach that 19th title is a great privilege."

I know a lot about football and according to what I remember about him, Scholes was particularly good at tackling. In his new role as a coach at Manchester United he is expected to train players to run, pass the ball and occasionally shoot it towards those giant white stick things that you see sometimes in football games. Retiring from International Football at the age of 29 didn't really stop Scholes becoming the most highly-rated, under-rated player in European football and it genuinely sucks a little bit that he isn't playing anymore. Now it's time for Owen Hargreaves to step up and cement his place in the first team. Where is that guy, anyway?

Monday, 30 May 2011

Swansea have made history by winning the Championship play-offs and will soon be the first Welsh team to play in the Premier League. To explain for any Americans, Wales is a small country just west of England, apparently Welsh teams are allowed to play in English leagues. Welsh people enjoy singing, rugby, drinking, daffodils and leeks. Their number one export is loud groups of drunk women.

Wembley was the setting for Swansea to defeat Reading 4-2. Having been at work, I didn't actually see the game but like any real football fan, I have watched the goals on 101greatgoals.com and read the match report on the BBC website. Scott Sinclair, pictured above, got himself a hat-trick but he scored two penalties so it doesn't really count. Scott Sinclair is one of those players who is definitely far too good for the Championship but will probably do the square root of fuck all in the Premier League. Now I've said that, he will probably score 20 goals next season. Actually no, he definitely won't.

It's rumoured that Swansea will pocket £90m for achieving promotion to the Premier League. Which coincidently, is exactly £90m more than I have in my bank account, what were the chances. They should just go tits, they will probably get relegated anyway so might as well have some fun with the money. For the half-time entertainment, perhaps pay 10 midgets to have a fight to the death, with a couple of hungry lions thrown into the mix. The winner gets a paid trip to the moon with Eva Mendes or Bradley Cooper or whoever it is midgets like these days. Gandalf or something.

Still hurting from the raping they received from Barcelona, the papers are reporting today that Manchester United will be looking for some new recruits this summer.

As the season has finished and we are now subjected to months of transfer rumours and no real news, let's start with Utd supposedly going for Tottenhams Luka Modric. Modric, seen looking like a teenage lesbian above. He will not be allowed to leave for anything less than £20m. Papers claim that Alex Ferguson also wants to buy Ashley Young, Jack Rodwell, some French chap called Varane and David de Gea.

I feel sorry for Manchester United - it's like dumping a girl after a few years together. You appear to be building towards something special, things are exciting, you have lots of amazing experiences together, you really think you have met the one, perhaps you could even marry this girl. Then BANG! One night you are out on the piss and you see this beautiful, dark skinned Spanish girl dancing seductively at the bar. You suddenly realise your girlfriend is actually a bit shit in comparison and you give her the boot. Devastated, she goes out and hits the shops, she buys some new sexy outfits, thinking perhaps if she dolls herself up she might win you back. You bump into her a few days later in a nightclub, you've had a few and she is looking a lot better than she did back when you dumped her. Intoxicated you think, "fuck it, might as well". Her plan appears to have worked. Then out of the corner of your eye, you see the sexy Spanish girl again. You look back at your ex and think "that Spanish girl is still one million times better. Shouldn't have wasted all your money on those new clothes".

Barcelona, perhaps the greatest footballing side of all time, have decided that they need to buy more players to make the game a little bit easier than it already is. Cue Guiseppe Rossi:

£40 million should be enough to steal him away from Villareal and force most teams to just give up at half-time like they probably should. The only way to beat Barcelona now seems to be if you summon the Megazords immediately instead of fighting them on the ground - why jump about karate kicking them when you can just crush them to death with giant robot feet made of the body of a sabre-toothed tiger?
It's morphin' time. Or probably in Man Utd's case, morphine time.

Allegedly. Definitely allegedly. According to Jack Warner, who is being almost literally hounded out of FIFA as fast as it is possible, he has emails that prove that Bim Hammam bought the world cup for Qatar.

I have to say that this is just about the least surprising 'shock' revelation to have come from FIFA in recent days. If I were to be told that Sepp Blatter actually came from the moon I would probably just shrug and go 'meh'. The minute it was decided that sport's greatest event would be held in an inhospitable desert, in heats that can set fire to people, let alone cause great physical fatigue to professional athletes sprinting in it, something seemed not altogether right. When this diablo-like location was selected I'm certain that in no way would the billions of oil dollars potentially offered be able to sway an international tournament towards being held there. No sir. There are plenty of reasons to hold a football tournament in Qatar:

1. No human, athlete or not, can stand, walk or run around for 2 hours in 50 degree celsius heat without dying
2. No-one in Qatar plays football nor has any knowledge of it
3. Gays are banned
4. Women are oppressed and laws on sexual assault are as close to cheering on men as they could be

These are just a few of the reasons that FIFA chose to host the world cup there and I think they were very well thought out. It IS time to hold the tournament in the middle of a desert!

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Ireland beat Scotland 1-0 to win The Nations Cup. That's about all the news I have about this.

Robbie Keane scored the winning goal, some people turned up to watch, all the post match commentary so far has been how to increase ratings and crowds for the next tournament. I honestly can't even feign interest in this. My Dad kept switching between this and the antiques roadshow or something like that and he likes Formula 1 so just sit down and think about that for a minute

Bixente Lizarazu, that French left back who you could always buy for £2.5 million at the start of Championship Manager 97/98, will run through the streets of Evian naked because they have been promoted to Ligue 1.

After doing some investigating I discovered that Lizarazu is a share-holder in Evian which is why he is celebrating this promotion - it's a sort of bet with the press that he promises to uphold. Either that or it's just a convenient excuse for him to get his knob out. Even more impressive than Lizarazu's World Cup and European Championship winner medals is the fact that I managed to eventually work out that having shares in Evian refers to the football club Evian and not the people who make water. Life can be confusing sometimes

Sulking vampire Dimitar Berbatov is set to be offered back to Spurs or whoever else wants to buy him because Sir Alex just isn't in love anymore.

Rumours are abound that Dimitar will be off to Spurs in the Summer for about £10 million which is an absolute steal when you consider that Rangers once paid £12 million for Tore Andre Flo. The Bulgarian has also recently been quoted as saying:

'I will go nowhere. I am part of United's 19th title and I want to be part of the 20th, that's my plan.

'I am the happiest man in the team because I'm a champion and top goalscorer in the league.'

Hmmm. Berbatov was left out of the entire squad for the Champions League final, despite being United's top scorer, and was then replaced by Michael Owen, which will hurt deeply. If there's anything worse than being dropped for a football match, it's that. And meningitis.

I promise I'm not making up this guy's name: 'Dick Pound' has suggested to footballing nations that if FIFA is going to continue to be the most badly run organisation of all time then perhaps they should just sort of... leave?

Former International Olympic Committee vice-president Dick Pound has told the BBC that countries could form a breakaway association from Fifa if the current problems are not solved.

President Sepp Blatter will appear before an ethics committee of world football's governing body on Sunday.
Also due to appear are senior officials Mohamed Bin Hammam and Jack Warner.
"If Fifa is not going to do the game any good, the game may have to do something to Fifa," said Pound.

I think when it comes to the point that you have to investigate candidates to lead an international organisation it's time to have a wee think about what's going on. It's not as if these guys are just choosing who will go on the front cover of the next FIFA game, they decide on everything in world football. They are already 20 years behind everyone else by choosing not to introduce technology to the game like almost every other sport and now there's actual evidence to prove that the people running the show accept bribes? Even tennis uses technology and that is played by women. Unless something has changed without me being told, women aren't even allowed to use computers so just wtf is going on here

Barcelona pretty much confirmed their status as the greatest football team of all time last night by absolutely raping Manchester United at Wembley.

The game ended 3-1 but there's really no point in talking about it because if you are reading this you've already either watched the game or seen it on another football website. My favourite bit was when Michael Owen looked sad. I also enjoyed lip-reading Alex Ferguson clearly shouting at Wayne Rooney "I'm the manager" midway through the game. Perhaps Wayne's master plan might have worked better than Ferguson's in the 2nd half but only if it involved releasing jungle animals on to the pitch to try and stop Lionel Messi, who would actually probably just have nut-megged them all anyway.

Saturday, 28 May 2011

Barcelona will win the Champions League. But incase they don't, both of us at FitbaThatba have placed bets that are sure to come off and help us reap the rewards of gambling like we were promised so long ago.

You may have been scourging the internet trying to find some sort of clues or omens as to who will win tonight but fear not because we have revealed the answer! Unless we are wrong and mysteriously this whole post changes - that is only due to your amnesia, don't worry if it seems a little different later.

Apparently an English team has won in a European Cup Final in 1971, 1981, 1991, 2001 and today is in 2011, but I was told statistic that when I had a really, really strong G&T (because I'm hard) in my hand so it might be made up.

JJ (me) has bet some money that Lionel Messi will score first and then Man Utd will win 2-1. Jack (the other guy) has bet that Hernandez will score and Utd will win 2-1. It's all very exciting.

Join us later to find out just how incredibly wrong we both were and remember the purpose of this post: gambling is bad.

Friday, 27 May 2011

With all the focus on the Champions League Final, most people probably don't even realise that there is the final of the Carling Nations Cup between Scotland and Ireland this weekend. Even Scottish manager Craig Levein has noticed.

This Sunday sees an epic battle between two giants of international football, Scotland and Ireland. Sadly nobody actually cares. Early estimates are that the attendance for this cup final (I say with almost a straight face), is expected to be about 20,000.

"Scotland on the verge of silverware is not an everyday occurrence but we have that chance and I would ask all fans to do their bit to help the cause by whatever means possible.
"The players are grateful for that backing. We won the Kirin Cup [in Japan] in 2006 but that was the other side of the world. Now we have another opportunity on our doorstep and with the help of the fans, we can take that one final step."

Sorry Levein, as tempting as the offer is I think I'll save myself a few hundred pounds and maybe watch it on TV, if there's nothing better on of course. It is on a Sunday so there won't be much competition, although I do love Songs of Praise.Perhaps I am being rather harsh on Scotland, after all we scored two goals against Spain and have scored three goals in three games recently, although after a quick search on the SFA website I see that the three goals were scored against the Faroe Islands whose entire population can fit into Hampden, Northern Ireland and Wales.

That said if somehow Scotland qualify for Euro 2012 I will definitely be cheering us on, buying a Scotland top and pretending I was in from the ground floor because I am a dick.

So it seemed like only yesterday that Mohammed Bin Hammam was to be investigated by the FIFA ethics committee, it actually was yesterday. This would have left Sepp Blatter running in the election unopposed. However today it has been revealed that Blatter will also be investigated, for the numerous dodgy goings on surrounding everything FIFA.

Yes Blatter is to be investigated by the very organisation that he is the president of. He proudly admitted recently that one time he actually turned down a bribe, even after taking home the large envelope of cash, emptying it into the bath and pleasuring himself in the tub. We of course praise his honesty for saying no to at least one bribe, a true man of integrity, don't worry about all the other bribes, they don't count.

If Blatter, Hammam and Jack Warner do get found guilty of (insert libel), what will actually happen? Will FIFA just cease to exist? What happens then? I assume football gets canceled on a global level and irate fans will take to the streets. Riots will start, windows will be smashed, shops will be ransacked, police cars set on fire and chaos will ensue all around the footballing world. America will be OK as they are the only country who don't really give a fuck. The rest of us will become tribal, adorning our local team's colours and fighting our nearest rivals for fresh water and precious petrol.

Either that or Sky just buy football and move every team into the English Premier League with 1000 games being played a season all live, exclusive and in 3D. Jamie Redknapp will wank himself to death.

Saturday's Final looms ever closer as the days in the week count down. Yesterday was Thursday and tomorrow is Saturday, which means by the process of elimination and the assistance of one of my favourite songs, I have deduced that today is Friday. But which formation will Sir Alex taaaaaaaaaaake?

All the papers are going fucking mental about this one and are speculating that Man Utd might play a 4-4-2 or maybe a 3-4-3. Holy fuck grenades! Darren Fletcher is rumoured to be too sick to play because he has a mysterious illness (it's pronounced 'gay', Darren) and Paul Scholes wants to Utd to attack because presumably that will result in goals

Personally I would like Owen Hargreaves to start in a wheel chair, carrying a shotgun and firing indeterminately and randomly at Gary Neville while he sits in the stands. I'd like Barca to play a 1-1-8 with all their previous great strikers lined up on the pitch at the same time including ones no-one has heard of, with Messi playing in goals, dressed in a penguin suit.

That's what I want to see. And did FIFA listen to me? Only time will tell...

According to The Daily Star and some other newspapers, Arsene Wenger wants to sign 'giant' center half, Christopher Samba, to play football for Arsenal, and not terrorise villages as his moniker would clearly suggest.

£10 million apparently

I can't find any information anywhere as to whether Samba is a friendly giant like in Roald Dahl's story, or whether he's the kind that lives in the clouds like in Jack and the Bean Stalk. And only now that I've written that do I realise what an absurd premise for a story that is. I also can't find out whether he likes doing the Samba so I'm afraid I'm just going to have to hand in my badge and gun now, this job just isn't for me. See you guys later

Odds have tumbled on Harry Redknapp to take over at Chelsea which means that he's either quite likely to take the job, or that bookies are cunts.

It wouldn't be the first time that Redknapp has jumped ship for more prosperous seas, like that time at Portsmouth he said he'd never leave to go to arch-rivals Southampton, but then left to go and manage arch-rivals Southampton. Then he decided to go back and manage Portsmouth. He's just a crazy kind of guy like that. Another of life's mysterious, soon-to-be answered questions is whether I'd like to see Spurs once again crumble and fill in that old position of mid-table, or if I'd like to see how 'Arry would do at a club where the minimum expectation is that you win every single game 6-0 or face death by shark. Roman Abramovich runs that club like Dr Evil.

The ban is back-dated to 2 March, when Toure's provisional suspension began.
He is free to play from 2 September, but will also be target-tested for a period of two years from 26 May.
"This has been a difficult period, and I am sad to have missed the team's triumph of securing Champions League football and the FA Cup," Toure said.
"But I am relieved that I will be able to return to football in September and thank the FA's commission for their understanding."

There you go kids, it's OK to take drugs just right up until the point you get caught, then banned from playing football over the period of the year in which no football is played. In Kolo's defence he was taking the pills, which belonged to his wife, because they helped him with his weight. So not only is he a junkie, he's also a fat junkie. Let's not forget who the real victim here is guys, poor old Kolo is prevented from going to work and has do anything he wants instead whilst still being paid 10s of £1000s a week. When will he get a break?!

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Secret agent Thomas Hitzelsperger is wanted back by former club Aston Villa, after Lazio sold him to assist in West Ham's relegation:

'The Hammer' who helped 'The Hammers' end another brief stint in the Premiership will really hammer a nail in the coffin of the London club by leaving for £500,000, having played only a handful of games after injuring his thigh in pre-season last year. Perhaps he injured it with a hammer? Or he fell over because he was hammered? I phoned the club to investigate these crucial questions but it turns out that the woman on the end of the phone just wanted a series of numbers to try and analyse what my query was about instead of listening and so none of my hammer puns did anything for her.

Queens Park Rangers assured Neil Warnock that he would be in charge of the team during next season's campaign and that was nice! But that was last week! Now they want an actual manager in charge instead:

i hate football!

From The Mirror:

Carlo Ancelotti is set to be offered an immediate Premier League return with QPR.Rangers boss Neil Warnock's leading boardroom ally vice-chairman Amit Bhatia walked out of the Loftus Road outfit yesterday after his bid to buy the club was rejected.That left Warnock exposed, despite his superb achievement in steering the Rs from the foot of the Championship to Premier League status in the space of 15 months.Now chairman and former Formula One magnate Flavio Briatore, who has looked at one sacked former Chelsea boss in Claudio Ranieri, is poised to make a move for Ancelotti, who was axed by Blues an hour after the Premier League season finished.

It's good for any manager to have to constantly wonder whether you are actually in charge of the football club that your job title implies, and there is no better reward for Neil Warnock's efforts than for him to be fired and replaced by another man. That's the equivalent of going out with a kind of average looking girl who you can tell would be pretty hot once she stops wearing glasses and loses some weight, because she's actually really nice, but then once you've finally helped create this beautiful creature she goes out with that Italian guy from the bar who she was 'just friends' with instead because not only does he have more money than you, but he's better at most things and his accent is mysterious. I'll still beat you at Call of Duty, Fabrizio!

Convicted criminal Joey Barton will not be offered a new contract by Newcastle United after his current one expires, according to his agent, Willie McKay:

"you should have seen his face... well, what was left of it! LOL"

"We had talks in January - Joey was prepared to take a drop in wages and we couldn't get anywhere," Barton's agent Willie McKay told BBC Newcastle.

"I had a meeting this morning with [managing director] Derek [Llambias] and [football secretary] Lee [Charnley] and there was no offer on the table.

"I've no idea what their thoughts were on the situation, they knew he was going to take less money. He's 28, which is a funny age, he needed a four-year contract which would see him through his best years.

"He was happy with four years and less money.

More sound Newcastle transfer dealings here. Having put up with Barton through the times that he underperformed and spent time in jail for kicking the shit out of people, now that he's consistently playing football as one of the best midfielders in the Premiership it's high time that he moves on to different club. For free. If he wanted more money then this would make sense, so the only plausible reason for wanting to move on a player of this quality who has, it seems, overcome all of his past difficulties is to allow more spare cash with which to buy fresh meat to feed Shola Ameobi. IT'S HUNGRY AGAIN!!!!!!

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Fitbathatba's best friend Balotelli has been getting into trouble again after eyeing up another man's girlfriend. However ladies and gentleman I proudly bring you a talented young footballer who makes Balotelli look like a choir boy. Manchester United's Ravel Morrison.

Remember the name because he is going to be in the news a lot over the next few years. Partly because he is stupidly talented, heralded as the most gifted English midfielder since Paul Gascoigne, but mainly because he is a massive chav. And a horrible one at that, imagine one of those kids from the film Kidulthood, who run around shouting BRRAP and mugging old ladies and you get a mental picture of Ravel Morrison.

A couple of quotes -

His behaviour was slammed as ‘appalling’ by a district judge who warned he would be locked up for a year if he got in trouble again.

The victim later received a threatening message on Facebook from Morrison, saying: "Watch yourself. You trying to set me up like that."

Today he plead guilty to criminal damage after smashing up his girlfriend's phone but she dropped charges against him for domestic violence and refused to testify. The fact he is undergoing counselling for domestic violence, definitely suggests an innocent man. He has already been in court for two previous assault charges and also plead guilty to intimidating a witness. A few of Morrison's friends mugged a a teenager at knife point. Ravel tried to stop them giving evidence by making threatening phone calls, when this didn't work he showed up in their garden, threw a brick through the window and shouted more threats. He was chased off by the victim and his brothers but returned with a crew of about 16 chavs in hoodies on bmxs. Honestly, he really did.

Get excited people, Morrison was the best player by miles in the FA Cup Youth Final and he should be breaking into the first team soon. Premier League football mixed with wannabe-gangster-chav thuggery. I personally cannot wait.

We all thought Manchester United were in huge debt and unable to really spend in the transfer market but guess what STOOPID? Well we were all wrong and according to sources, they have what economists call, a shit-ton.

United have already confirmed the signing of David de Gea and for some reason it appears Ashley Young is the next to be signed. Oh and it won't stop there. With funds expected to peak at about £160m, expect Sir Alex to go out and get the very best players available. Players like..............Ashley Young. What?

From le Guardian, the only newspaper I trust -

According to Manchester United's most recent accounts, the club have £113m in the bank. That has fuelled suspicions that the owners will withdraw some of it in dividends but insiders claim it is there for transfers and to guard against unforeseen events.

That figure is expected to rise to more than £160m by the end of the summer, if it follows the pattern of previous seasons, once season-ticket revenue for the coming season is banked. Despite racking up a record pre-tax loss of £109m last year, much of that was attributable to one-off costs associated with a £500m bond issue.

Being quite stupid, I don't really understand this. I have been reading for years about Manchester United's financial problems, how the Glazers came in and bought the club with borrowed money and even passed all their debts onto the club, debts of hundreds of millions. Now I hear that none of this matters because, they just don't really care.This is a huge revelation for me, I don't care much for debt either so this is fantastic news. I'm going to apply for every credit card possible and go spend the next few years travelling the worldon borrowed money. Dining in the fanciest restaurants, drinking the finest wines and having sex with the most expensive prostitutes credit can buy. As my debt grows into the thousands I'll simply shrug my shoulders and open another bottle, this ones for you Malcolm Glazer.

So with accusations being thrown at FIFA left right and centre, they finally decided to investigate the bribery allegations. The man they are investigating? None other than the man running against Sepp Blatter in the Presidential election, Mohamed Bin Hammam. It's very possible that FIFA are the single most corrupt organisation in the world today.

Sepp Blatter or Tony Soprano. I forget

If all goes to Blatter's plan then he would left completely unopposed at the upcoming election meaning we would be stuck with the miserable old cunt for another few years yet, which guarantees that no technology will be brought in to assist referees and we will probably end up with the world cup being played on the moon, as long as enough money was on the table.

Chances are that Hammam has been getting his fingers dirty and the other man being investigated Jack Warner is so corrupt, it's incredible that he is actually allowed to walk the streets, when he should be serving about 20 years inside a prison somewhere getting violated by a giant tattooed man named Steve. The point is that pretty much the whole of FIFA is corrupt, not just these two individuals who just so happen to be firmly placed in the Anti-Sepp Blatter camp.

Football is run by a bunch or horrible, sleazy, greedy old men who really don't give a shit about "the good of the game" which would be fine, apart from the fact that we are going to have world cups in Russia (racist thugs and potatoes) and Qatar (women haters and gay bashers). I'd like to see Blatter assassinated by a Roberto Carlos free kick and replaced by Maradona, football would just turn into one giant coke, fueled piss-up. That's the world I want to live in and yes I am aware of my hypocrisy in calling Russian people racist.

Forgotten man Alberto Aquilani will have his future decided for him next week by Juventus, who may or may not decide to buy him, despite having had an entire season to work out if he's any good.

According to the Gazetta Dello Sporto, which my natural detective intuition tells me is an Italian newspaper, Juve are about 50% sure they will pay the money begrudgingly to Liverpool to make his transfer permanent. And then presumably melt him down to make glue.

What a fantastic feeling to know that not only do your own employers not really care where you are, but the club you've been working for all season isn't actually too fussed either, especially if they have to pay to see you more. It's a bit like going out with an odd looking girl - in some lights she looks quite hot and you want to hang out, but then she starts asking you to watch terrible TV shows and you have to take her out for expensive dates and before you know it you just wish that Piers Morgan was dead.

Arsene Wenger's inherent xenophobia reared its French face today amid rumours that he'd like to buy Karim Benzema and end Arsenal's self-forced exile from the transfer market.

The Mirror says:

Wenger said: "Viewed from the outside, it doesn't seem impossible today. He's a player that I like.

"I think he's intelligent in his movement, I think he is capable of combining well and making a difference, and of doing individual moves as well. So, for me he's a player who's at the top level in the world."

Wenger has insisted he will be active in the transfer window this summer but has already warned he will shy away from "£50m signings" and Arsenal would have to shatter their transfer record and pay around £20m for Benzema.

Wenger signed Cesc Fabregas for free, Robin van Persie for £2.75 million, Nicolas Anelka for £500,000 and Thierry Henry, perhaps one of the greatest players of all time, for £10 million. I think it's fair to say that he has some sort of idea of how the transfer market works so I'll just let him get on with this one without making any snide remarks like I normally would. Perhaps I'll investigate the transfer market myself so I have more of an educated look at it. Where's a good website to start... this advert with pictures of naked celebrities on it seems like as good a place as any

Together they drenched TV crews while, earlier, Balotelli brought chaos to the narrow streets as he tried to park his white Maserati before being picked up by Raiola.

What makes Balotelli brilliant is that none of his japes are going to see him end up in jail - he just really seems to enjoy annoying people. He has no malicious, kung-fu streaks like Cantona, no boring alcohol addictions like Tony Adams - he's a perfect example of a 20 year old given millions of £ to spend and who just wants to fanny about with it. So fuck you Gary Neville

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Manchester United need to fill the giant hole left by Edwin Van der Sar retiring and have tonight confirmed the signing of David de Gea (pronounced gaya lols)

Reports are that the fee will be around £17m for the 20 year old which of course is obscene money in real life but probably represents quite a good deal in football, considering how young he is and that the majority of goalkeepers are really shit these days.

As close to a quote as I could get confirming this, from Alex Ferguson at the Gary Neville testimonial -

"We've been working on it for quite a while. We identified him quite a while back as one we should go for."

One slight problem though, he is Spanish so will no doubt be terrified of catching the ball. Look forward to seeing lots of punches all over the place next season, not the interesting Joey Barton punching but the "oh dear Gomes just punched it into his own net" punching. That's harsh on Gomes, he just let's balls go through his legs, and harsh on Barton, he actually burns out cigarettes on young players and kicks people's heads in ouside of fast-food restaurants.

Going back to Gary Nevilles testimonial, his brother Phil confirmed what we all knew all along. Before kick off he was asked about his brother's reaction to his transfer to Everton and how he never spoke to him, to quote

"I thought, what a knob!"

Sorry Gary, even your brother thinks you're a dick and I think the majority of the country would agree. Still. Awesome goatee. (there was a video on youtube but it was taken down, try to find it, it's brilliant)

Perhaps another one of footballs worst kept secrets, Sergio Aguero has said "fuck this noise" and has handed in a transfer request before flying to Dubai to escape the angry mob.

Aguero, who has been at Atletico Madrid since 2006, is nicknamed Kun after his granparents said he resembled some Japanese anime character called Kum Kum. They obviously changed it to Kun because Kum Kum sounds like a Japanese bukkake film.

From real newspaper The Guardian -

"I've thought long and hard and I am convinced that I must be true to myself. I do not think I put a ceiling on the ability to keep learning, to keep growing. After five intense years, this stage for me personally is over and I have to give way to a new one.

"I'm about to turn 23 and I have everything before me. Suffice it to say that this is not an economic issue but strictly a sporting one. So I want to clearly express my appreciation to the club for the efforts they have made for giving me a salary that equates with the largest clubs in the world."

Real Madrid are believed to be the destination, which will not go down too well with the Atletico fans. Aguero perhaps sensing the shit storm it would cause, got a flight straight to Dubai. What interests me most about Aguero is his son, that didn't come out right. You see young Sergio, a clearly gifted and promising player, is married to Maradona's daughter. Now she is pretty ugly so he is definitely doing this for one reason. TO CREATE AN UNSTOPPABLE, TINY, FOOTBALL GOD. With those kind of genes this child, made in the football heavens, will make Messi look like Tony Hibbert, he will stop all the wars in the middle east, bring hope and prosperity to all of Africa, create a solution to the economic crisis and perhaps, even bring balance to the force. Help us Benjamin Aguero, you're our only hope.

Remember last year when Nani was shit at football? Well now he's pretty good and some Italian teams want to buy him!

Nani has had a real thriller of a season, which at times has made the Old Trafford faithful scream with delight. And now Juventus and Inter Milan are set to go head to head for his signature, though the transfer is hardly black or white:

Reports in Italy say new Bianconeri boss Antonio Conte has identified the Portuguese international as the man to fill Juve’s left-flank void, and has instructed chiefs to bankroll a £27million move.

Inter are also keen, but it's the Turin giants who are allegedly preparing the first move.

The 24-year-old has enjoyed his best season at Old Trafford, contributing 10 goals in all competitions, but he’s recently lost his place in Sir Alex Ferguson’s starting line-up for the ‘big matches’.

Rumours that Nani's improved form came as a result of looking at the man in the mirror and asking him to change his ways have been made up by me so aren't true, though if either of the Italian giants do bid the correct amount, Sir Alex may tell him to beat it. Of course if they are in a bidding war then Utd won't stop till they get enough and then it will be as easy as ABC to cash in on the Portuguese winger.

Super goal-stopper and great grandpa Brad Friedel is wanted by North Englandshire's merseyside reds, Liverpool FC according to reports in some newspapers:

stolen from the telegraph

When I heard this rumour I assumed that they wanted someone to do their gardening, or make little plastic models of old war planes because I'm not sure that people who need to use motorised vehicles to travel from their house to the shops should be playing professional football. But then I read this in the Daily Mirror:

Anfield boss Kenny Dalglish is confident he has won the race to sign the former USA international on a free transfer.

Liverpool have offered golden oldie Friedel, 40, a two-year deal and he is ready to return to his first Premier League club.

Friedel spent three years at Anfield after arriving from Columbus Crew in 1997 and will go back as Pepe Reina's No. 2.

That must be the sweetest deal in the world - you get paid shit loads of money to watch Premier League games from the best seat in the house, play football most days and you get home from work at about 3pm every afternoon. And in Brad Friedel's case, you can tell your grandkids about Vietnam and how those damn Japs hate everything about America. Kids never learn anything at school!

So this week Balotelli managed to win Man of the Match for his performance against Stoke in the FA Cup final, which is quite a normal thing for a talented footballer, so of course he had to rectify this by not turning up for Man City's celebrations:

[D]espite receiving a letter from City chief executive Garry Cook instructing him that he must attend last night's parade and town hall reception, the 20-year-old flew home to Italy on Sunday morning.

Carlos Tevez was there to parade the FA Cup despite suggestions he, too, would be missing.

I'd say something 'hilarious' and 'wacky' here like "Balotelli decided he'd rather go and investigate the judicial system in the UK instead" except that I'd probably not be far from the truth. This is the same man who drove into a women's prison in Italy because he and his brother were curious about it, and the same man responsible for running up around £10,000 in car parking fines but doesn't care because he "is rich".

All in all I wish all footballers were like Mario Balotelli, who I think just might literally not give one single fuck.

Monday, 23 May 2011

It is believed that Alex McLeish is one of a few names on the shortlist for West Ham's currently vacant managerial position and why shouldn't he be? It's not like he just got his own team relegated. Wait.

From classy newspaper/wank rag the Daily Star -

" ‘Big Eck’, 52, could bounce back at West Ham, whose owners Sullivan and Gold appointed him at Birmingham four years ago when they were in"

There are no actual quotes but don't let that get in the way. McLeish managed to get Birmingham relegated this year playing perhaps the most defensive football of all time? They scored 37 goals the entire season, that is not even one goal a game, that is absolutely abysmal. What a shit excuse for a football club, at least justice was done as they were relegated. To think they actually beat Arsenal in the Carling Cup final, the mind boggles.

Anyway this is exactly the kind of moronic, bordering on retarded, decision that West Ham's owners would definitely make. In fairness to McLeish, he probably would get West Ham promoted but in doing so will suck the souls out of every single fan and probably inspire mass suicides in the stands as they watch their team celebrate another 0-0. Watching Birmingham this season was so boring that you actually could feel yourself ageing, when the cameras cut to McLeish it was like that scene from Indian Jones and the Last Crusade when the nazi drinks from the grail, you could see his face turning to dust.

Ryan Giggs wins at most things in life but he seems to have lost the battle with the media and has finally been revealed as that player who was banging some tart who was once on TV. In fairness Ryan, we all knew anyway.

The Scottish Sunday Herald finally gave a big two-finger salute to the injunction Giggs had put in place, after unfortunately for him, he forgot that it didn't apply to Scotland. It's incredible how much coverage injunctions have received recently, surely for years this has happened? It was even discussed in parliament today, in the houses of parliament no laws apply. Inside the house of commons the scenes are reminiscent of those from an old western. MPs sit around playing cards, drinking whisky and fighting each other whilst scantily dressed ladies dance on top of pianos. During the proceedings today Lib Dem MP John Hemming named Ryan Giggs. Like a boss, he said - (in reference to the subject being discussed on Twitter)

"Mr Speaker, with about 75,000 people having named Ryan Giggs it is obviously impracticable to imprison them all."

Personally, I don't give a shit, for what Ryan Giggs has done in his career, he could sleep with my Mum and i'd probably still high five him. That's a lie, I would definitely high five him and so would my Dad.

Jack Wilshere is expected to be named in the senior England squad but then omitted from the Under 21 party for the coming European Championship finals, after holding talks with Stuart Pearce.

While the 19-year-old midfielder has not told Pearce he no longer wants to go to the tournament, he has echoed the concerns expressed by Arsenal's sports science department that playing in Denmark could put him at serious risk of injury.

Wilshere has made 58 appearances for club and country already this season and physiologists at the club have presented him with the evidence that proves his performances have taken a significant dip in the last month.

Arsene Wenger is understandably obsessed with not having all his players injured in International matches because it seems to happen a lot and he hasn't won anything for a while. Robin Van Persie actually managed to turn up to some games this year and it turns out he's actually pretty good at football so maybe the Owl Manager is on to something. Unfortunately for Wilshere this is about the only chance he's ever to going to have to win something in an England shirt, unless there's a Cyber Warrior championship.

Wilshere is just about the only footballer in the world whose Facebook comes up as a top search result on Google, so just think that when you sit on your laptop constantly hitting refresh waiting for something interesting to come up on your newsfeed, this guy is probably doing the same except he's got heaps of money, looking forward to going to work at his dream job tomorrow and he's 19 years old with, I would assume, an army of sluts gagging to friend request him.

Carlos Tevez is flying home to Buenos Aires instead of joining Man City's FA Cup celebrations through Manchester according to The Daily Telegraph, and he will be fined for doing so. Does he care?

Hell no! Tevez made it pretty clear he couldn't be arsed last year before Mancini managed to keep him at the club for another season. If the best City can do to deter him from just going wherever he wants is say 'I'm going to fine you' but then not really give a large enough fine, or take any real action before just begging him to stay and play, I'm not sure it's going to work. It's sort of like having a psycho girlfriend who says things like "if you go to meet up with your friends I'm leaving you!" but then you go and when you come back it turns out she hasn't actually left you at all, and you wouldn't really have cared anyway if she had. The next stage in City's master plan is to phone Tevez while he's in Argentina and tell him that she's pregnant.

Nicklas Bendtner is fed up after spending another season on the bench at Arsenal and now he wants to move clubs:

According to lots of different newspapers the Dane has requested a transfer and thinks Bayern Munich would be just great for him, and I agree. Victims of mental illness have to be treated with care and respect - Wenger even went as far as to convince him that he is a professional football player but perhaps should have stopped at the point of actually playing him. Bendtner's self confidence is well renowned throughout the world of football and his deluded opinion of himself was confirmed by a computer that measures players' perceptions of themselves. From Offside:

"One of the categories is called 'self perceived competence,' i.e. how good the player himself thinks he is,'' [Gunners' sport psychologist Jacques Crevoisier]told Swedish magazineOffside. ''On a scale up to 9, Bendtner got 10! We have never seen that before. Pat Rice [Arsenal's assistant manager] was sitting next to me and couldn't stop laughing.

Is there a fucking laboratory at the Emirates? First they inject players with yellow liquids and now they measure brain waves? I hope there's a level about this on LA Noire.

Roman Abramovich has continued his policy of being an absolute bastard by sacking Carlo Ancelotti for not winning a trophy this year:

photo from the independent

Chelsea offered this statement straight after the 1-0 loss against Everton on Sunday:

"This season's performances have fallen short of expectations and the club feels the time is right to make this change ahead of next season's preparations."

Abramovich probably didn't help matters for the manager by getting rid of his assistant for no apparent reason halfway through the campaign and also spending £50 million on what appears to be a broken Fernando Torres, making him play football every week despite the fact that if he were a horse he would have been put down by now.

The rumours have already started as to just who will be the next Chelsea boss and of course Mourinho has been mentioned along with Guus Hiddink and Villas-Boas of Porto but I'm not sure there are any superhuman football managers around at the moment, or at least none who can win everything every single year. As we've previously discussed, Abramovich wants the Champions League because he's convinced it is the Holy Grail and will immortalise him so expect Harrison Ford to take up his first managerial position next season.

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Kevin Davies lives in constant fear that men will come and take his friend, and team-mate, Gary Cahill away from him.

picture borrowed from mirrorfootball.co.uk

Our spies have gathered this information from the internet, and specifically from The Daily Mirror:

Kevin Davies fears that his in-demand Bolton team-mate Gary Cahill could leave the club in the summer.

The England defender is wanted by a number of clubs, with Manchester City, Liverpool and Arsenal all believed to be interested in securing his services.

“You expect someone to come in at some stage for someone as good as him," said Davies.

"As far as I know we have never had an offer for him and we’ll keep an eye on it over the summer.

This shocking tale of horror is just one of the many things that haunts Kevin Davies on a daily basis. If it isn't the ghouls on Twitter forcing him to abandon life on the internet, it's the horrific beasts that threaten to take away all those that he loves and make them play for opposing football teams for more money and greater chances of success. Even the thought of going to sleep is too much for Davies, because that's when the evil Kenny Dalglish comes and buys players from Bolton Wanderers. Stuck in eternal awakeness Kevin must wander the streets of Bolton doing something else to do with horror stories... I dunno, I'm not sure awakeness is even a word. I've gotten bored of this post halfway through. Cahill will move in the summer.