The Founding Fathers of the United States were those political leaders who participated in the American revolutionary war. The Founding Fathers are quoted by Americans all across the political spectrum, because the opinions of 18th century slave-owners are central to modern American politics.

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George Washington, like Benjamin Franklin, was a pimp as well as a Founding Father.

George Washington was the first among equals when it came to the Founding Fathers of the United States. The first President of the USA, you can find the man's image today on the American dollar bill and the quarter-dollar coin. He never told a lie and fought fiercely for his country (actually, for both of them - he fought as a British Officer against the French and the Indians before fighting for the rebels against British Officers). He abhorred injustice, always ensuring that his slaves were treated tolerably well on his plantation at Mount Vernon, Virginia. And he got along well with others. Everybody (on his own side of the Atlantic, at least) liked him; Americans elected him to the post of President on two separate occasions, and begged him to stay on for a third (he declined, either afraid of being made into a king, or aware of what lay ahead).

George Washington grew up in the colonies (Virginia, to be exact), a child of a privileged and prominent landholding family, but he still knew how to relate to people and was a natural-born leader. He shunned things that were overly English, declining to obtain an education in England; at the same time, however, he embraced the best of the British way of life, even going so far as to accept a commission in the British Army. Until it became time to mow them down. Indeed, throughout his life, George Washington did a variety of incredible things like lead armies, chop down cherry trees, sleep, and wear wooden false teeth. During that time he said some interesting things.

Quoting Thomas Jefferson is generally a good idea. Virtually any article, paper, essay, column or argument that begins with, or even contains, a Jefferson quote thereby gains heft. As you become more proficient at it, you will eventually overuse the word "freedom" until it loses all meaning.

"The Tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is best planted in indirect sunlight. Ideally soil should be slightly alkaline, but it has been known to flourish at a lower pH. Water regularly, but do not over water, as the roots are very vulnerable to fungal infection."

"All a tyranny needs to succeed are some cool uniforms."

"I have sworn, upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man. So have my slaves."

"Tyranny, war, and over-bearing government are all quite bad. Therefore, I shall take a huge sum of taxpayers' money, and give it all to Napoleon."

"That we hold these truths to be self evident...all men are created equal, except the dark-skinned ones we own outright."

"I would rather have newspapers without a government than newspapers without Krazy Kat."

Considered to be perhaps the most erudite and wise of the Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin is quoted constantly by U.S. historians, political scientists, and professional wrestling impresarios. The inability to stop quoting Benjamin Franklin (the psychological disorder called benjivitis) has inevitably led to an enormous number of false quotes, some of which are completely indistinguishable from the actual words of wisdom uttered by the famous statesman, journalist, entrepreneur, inventor, and exotic dancer.

"I believe, with all my heart, that one day, upon this great land, our new nation will rise to such great heights of power and prestige that its leaders won't even have to have working brains for the government to function."

"I'm proud to be an American. I'm even prouder to have an nine-inch penis, but they wouldn't let me put that in the Declaration of Independence."

"I must confess that a major, if not the principal, reason for my affection for the French is how exceedingly poor they are at money-management."

"Wine and women as far as the eye can see, both in glorious abundance and both attracted to me as if by a sort of magnetic force. A finer land mine eyes have never beheld."

"In other countries drunkenness is a vice. In France, it's a hobby."

"To be a British patriot is to follow your king. To be an American patriot is to stand for both personal liberty and national unity. To be a French patriot is to hate the British and your own king in equal measure and with equal ferocity because they are the British and he is the king."

"They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but I submit that a hungry French peasant is a close second."

"The primary issue I've discovered in the manners of France's nobility is that the women, including the Queen, all appear to have deceased animals of some kind on their head in place of a wig and not expressing this sentiment I have found requires extraordinary willpower."

"Early to bed and early to rise makes a Frenchman sober and thus somewhat unhappy."

"And so, your Most Christian Majesty, I come to you with a proposition. We can offer no land nor money nor goods nor any sort of favorable trade settlement, nor have we a substantial army or navy and I must imagine our staunchly republican ideals may seem disagreeable to a man of your means and position; but what I do offer is the chance to strike back at the British, whose tyranny and arrogance I'm sure you agree with me must be ended; your country, as well as mine, has suffered extensively at their hands. I do not ask much of you, Your Majesty; simply several fleets, an entire army, and all of your money. And I do mean all of it."

Several more minor characters in the War for American Independence can be used to add salt and/or pepper to modern conversations to which they do not relate. By comparison, the Founding Mothers and Founding Babies are rarely quoted.

Patrick Henry

"As for me, give me liberty or give me death. No, never mind. Put that away! I was just kidding!"

Thomas Paine

"When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary, while syphilis is."