My Side Of The World

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

It's been a long, long time...
I almost forgot this feeling of a sudden rush and a drive for writing. It comes out of nowhere. Just a thought that crosses your mind and makes everything inside of you scream "I have to write this!"So here I am... No particular reason, just the urge to write. And this is exactly where it all begun almost 6 years ago when I published my first blog post called forever.

Oh God, I was so in love!

And only now, as I read this, I can understand words of one of my followers who told me "You love like a man" I come to the conclusion that I only loved the way I wanted to be loved. I gave love I wanted to get, but I never actually believed I deserved it. I get this feeling even now, but only for a moment. Luckily, a lot has changed over the years. I have changed and I am so grateful for that.

Life had its ups and downs. Some lessons have been repeated a few times until they were mastered. And well, some still repeat themselves. But hey, that is life! :)

So who am I and why am I here? Well, that's something I want to know too so I hope we figure it out along the way.
The basics - I am a mum of a smart, funny, adorable 9 year old girl, a self-taught German language teacher who loves her job and is proud of what she accomplished in her career, a writer (trying, but not so hard, just wanna have fun)...

I am not searching for fame and glory, I do not want to be some fancy blogger giving you life tips. I just want to write about life, hopes and dreams, wishes, daily habits (unhealthy ones too), about my thinking (that might scare you off) and all the other boring ordinary stuff...
I don't want a bunch of followers so I can show off. My wish is that everything you read here serves you in a best possible way and helps you find what you are looking for.

Sunday, September 30, 2018

I sit in front of my laptop looking at my reflection in the screen. Who is this woman? Gained a few pounds, face got round, new wrinkles craved in the corners of her eyes... She looks sad, unsatisfied and lost. I don't like what I see and I can't help it. I feel as if a past me came to haunt me. As if this sad, depressed woman, whom I have been ignoring for too long and pretended she doesn't exist, started screaming to my face. Look at me! LOOK AT ME! I am here, I exist and I need healing! Please stop pretending that everything is fine. Just talk to me and make me feel good again. Walk me out of bitterness and pain.But I can't help her... I don't have the strength. And even if I had, I wouldn't know where to start.What do we do? Help us, please!

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Once upon a time... Yes, it actually seems a fairy tale long ago.
There was this girl who fell for a man and got herself a broken heart. Such a story has been told so many times in so many different ways. But never like this.

As many other girls, this one was also insecure, low on self-esteem and in a lack of feeling that she was worth loving. It's never hard to impress girls like this. All you have to do is be kind. A nice word, warm gesture and she's head over heels, all the way in, entirely, completely, endlessly in love. With you, with the idea of who you might be, with the pictures of your perfect life together. The ones she herself made in her head, of course. And she made herself hurt and suffer in an agonizing pain. And none of it was your fault. It was all her, a hundred percent.

She was the one who let you in, she was the one who trusted, she was the one with high hopes and expectations. She wanted a more beautiful life, but at the time couldn't realize there is no movie-like love in reality. All she got were disappointments, sleepless nights, feeling of suffocating in this cruel, miserable life of hers. So she started looking for comfort, for new kind words, for someone to share time with. All she got was loneliness in a company of distant men. As if like she chose them not to like them. Oh, and life was so generous in giving her everything she didn't want.

Why? Because she didn't know what she wanted. She was so lost and hurt that she unconsciously stopped wishing, stopped dreaming... And she blamed you for it. Because you offered a handful of dreams and then took them all with you. I think that sometimes she even hated you. And I know you probably would hate yourself too if you could only for a moment feel everything she felt back then. But don't... Please.

The cause of all the chaos is just a single flaw in her beliefs. You see, she believed only other people could make her happy, make her feel loved and complete. And of course she had to learn the hard way. Of course it took time, but she made it. She became a woman who knows that no one but herself can give her greater and more beautiful love, that no one can make her so happy as she can.
A trapped little girl became a free woman who by loving you to the point of self-destruction miraculously found a way to love who she is.

Monday, January 9, 2017

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me... And I'm feeling good.

In the past few days I've been sharing some old posts from the blog to my facebook page, and today I came across a post where I was wondering how can people live happily if they build their lives on ruins of what once was the most beautiful thing in their lives. And NOW I have an answer. They live better, with more upswing and enthusiasm.

See, when you survive a shipwreck by sailing to the coast on a small raft, then build a new ship and sail away so far, to a place where your eyes can't meet the coast anymore, then you know you've won. You grew, you learned and you dared to live again. And I believe there is nothing in this world that can bring you more freedom. This feeling that you are the one who did it just gives you more courage. The fact that you were shattered into pieces and remodeled yourself to this new piece of art makes you feel strong, because you know - no matter what life gives you, you can build a masterpiece!

Monday, January 2, 2017

It's such an emotional thing... Reading my blog after a long period of time.
God, will I ever love like this again?! I know the answer is "no", because one can't have the same love twice.
I've took all the classes, learned all the lessons. I've been a heck of a student.
So thank you life!
For giving me this experience, for giving me time to learn and explore, for letting me to get to know the most important person in my life -me.
It's such a crazy thing to say, but I would do it all over again, every single moment.
Because it made me feel alive.
Because it prepared me for everything that came after that.
Because I learned how to love and because I can do so all over again.
Because it helped me come back to me.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Sometimes you don't get over it, you just learn to live with it because you have no other choice. Because it's not your decision to make. Because it's not only up to you. Because...
And it gets better in time. At first you feel the pain each second, then after some time it switches to one minute, hour, day, week, month... Then it stops hurting. Or you simply become the pain.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Well, maybe there were more days like this one, but I don't have them recorded. What kind of day was it?

Hm, well... Right now I was searching through my old notebooks to find some english grammar lessons for a class that I am teaching and I found a notebook I forgot even existed. The notebook where I wrote down everything Robert and I wrote to each other. And well... Words slip away from me in this moment... Emotional is the only expression I can think of...

I am reading this now and... There was a day when he missed me. Well, actually, a day when he missed me and told me about that. So why do I believe he only missed me when he told me he did? Maybe that was the one time he actually didn't miss me! Why do we need words to be sure if what other people feel for us is true? Is it the distance? The physical absence of another? The impossibility of a hug in lonely nights? The fact that I can't just get dressed and walk to his home to see him when I miss him? The fact that I can't call just to say hi? And why can't I? Is it forbidden? Why do I always need a reason to call? Who said that there have to be rules?!

I read almost everything I wrote... The mails I sent him and the ones I didn't. And well, the ones that remained only in my notebook... They are deep, honest, emotional, dramatic, whining, depressing, sad, mad, desperate... They are everything I was in moments I wrote them. And... If I didn't know the person who wrote them I would probably wonder how did she survive those years. Actually, I do wonder how did she make it? Where did all the strength come from? Are we really destined to make it through everything life throws at us?

And why wasn't that enough for me? Why couldn't I just be happy with some beautiful days I spent with him? Why couldn't I just continue my life as if nothing has changed? Why did I have to build such high expectations? Why did I have to push the limits to scare him away? Why was I frightened by everything I felt? Why wasn't I strong enough to handle it on my own two feet? Why couldn't I live simply and let him simply live? Why was I thinking too much? And why am I doing so now?

So many mixed emotions... Ups and downs... Confusion and clarity... My life on the paper... Me in the ink... Days and nights of happiness, hope, fear, joy, anxiety, love... Years of love! Everything comes down to this one moment... Exactly this moment in which I feel... I feel calm.

Have I really let it all go? Am I free? And of what? I read somewhere that love alters, and I believe it does so. Did mine?