Beautiful Uncertainty

Of course, more than the city, I loved the people I spent time with there.

Including myself.

I loved who I was there. Not that I’m not myself at home…I am. I’m never not myself. I used to believe I wasn’t always the same person…I even blogged about it multiple times on multiple platforms. Over the years, I’ve felt like I’ve lost myselftime and time again, which begs the question: which ‘me’ did I lose?

Now I realize that I’m still the same girl. I change, yes, but I’m simply becoming more me.

So when I say that I liked spending time with myself, I don’t mean that I only exist in certain cities. The difference is that I don’t always love the person I am. It’s not always effortless to be her/me. I’m a crazy-pants about a lot of things, and this often causes small amounts of first-world strife.

Like when my whole being is in limbo because of a combination of events that I was not expecting at all. I don’t do well with this, and less than 5 hours after returning home from NYC, the floodgates of changeopened and I started treading water like mad just to stay afloat.

Just when I think I’ve gotten my feet under me, and I have a plan, the Fates get boredand decide to mess with my life.

You see, I knew I didn’t have it all figured out…but I had part of it, and then circumstances changed, as they often do. And what am I left with?

Uncertainty.

I don’t do well with uncertainty. Some people do – they’re people who take uncertainty and run with it. They see it as opportunity to do what they want to do. I once wished that I could be those people…I was envious of their lifestyle and felt like a total laissez-faire fakewatching these punks roll with the changes. Unfortunately, in order to do be like them, I would have to know what I want.

And I never do. I’m about as indecisive as you can get in most situations. Just ask anyone who has asked me what I want on my pizza. I know what I don’t want – no stuffed crust, no anchovies, no olives, and no onions unless I’m in the mood. But ask me what I DO want? No clue…unless we’re talking about tattoos.

So uncertainty and I aren’t friends.

However.

Uncertainty has earned my begrudging respect in the recent months. It went from being my nemesis to a welcome challenge. From a relationship like [Jedi vs. Sith Lord] to one more like [Ferris vs. Mr. Rooney].

No, I don’t see it as opportunity…but I do see it as potential. Endless possibilities. If I can kick myself into gear and get over my paralyzing fear of committment to a course of action, I can turn uncertainty into something truly beautiful. Ultimately, I love it…even if it makes me uncomfortable.

Still don’t get it? Let me break it down for you, fake-philosopher-style.

Uncertainty is possibility, and possibility in itself is untapped potential for the future. Untapped potential is intimidating, yet beautiful in its fierceness. Hence, uncertainty is beautiful.

How can I say that? Just look at my current uncertainty and you tell me.

See what I mean? How lucky am I that I’m going to have to choose between these options?