Well, I went down to Mos Eisely for a converter.
Hell, you know how hard it gets on Tatooine.
Well, I saw that there cantina.
I’ll go in for an Orangina.
I heard it was rough, but how bad could it be?
Well, I walked through the door
And the music stopped dead.
All manner of men and beasts were starin’ at me.
Seems just one week before
Their Twylek slave girl walked out the door
And I guess I was the next best thing they’d seen.

I lost more than my heart in that cantina.
I left my manhood there on Tatooine.
Son, it don’t mean you’re weak if you turn the other cheek.
But if you spread ‘em both for Jabba, son, you ain’t a man.

Old Hammerhead he fixed his mind to screw me
Whipped out his tool and nailed me to the bar
My anus he destroyed, and now I’ve got me hammeroids
They had to wrench him off my nuts with a gaffi-bar

I was hit over the head by old Han Solo.
I’da never guessed that pirate was a homo.
I woke up next to Chewbacca.
I was smeared in Wookie-kaka.
And what they did to my poor nipples was a no-no.

I lost more than my heart in that Cantina.
I left my manhood there on Tatooine.
Son, it don’t mean you’re weak if you turn the other cheek.
But if you spread ‘em both for Jabba, son, you ain’t a man.

Oh, Salacious Crum is so small you can’t detect ‘um
Before I knew it he shoved himself straight in my rectum
And then, just to be heinous,
He screamed real loud out of my anus,
Now I’ve got an anal car-alarm and I can’t disconnect him.

Oh, Greedo greedily grabbed his green weenie.
And he yanked that sucker ’til it wun’t so teeny.
He pulled me into Jabba’s hut.
He stared intently at my butt.
And then he Oota-toota’d me with his zucchini.

I lost more than my heart in that cantina.
I left my manhood there on Tatooine.
Son, it don’t mean you’re weak if you turn the other cheek.
But if you spread ‘em both for Jabba, son, you ain’t a man.

“Take it away, boys!”

Well, a guy walked up and said,
“My friend doesn’t like you.”
I said, “Sorry.” He said,
“I don’t like you either, you’d better watch yourself.”I think his name was Tom Waits.And then some old dude who taught Vader,
Chopped his arm off with a saber
That lader made for one red-hot anal invader. Ow!
I was broken, on the floor, beat to a stupor.
Then I was saved, there at the door
Were ten stormtroopers!
But then my hope faded away,
I didn’t know they cloned them gay.
And they each took turns stormtroopin’ me
In the pooper.

I lost more than my heart in that cantina.
I left my manhood there on Tatooine.
Son, it don’t mean you’re weak if you turn the other cheek.
Which is why I still go there every week.