Friday, October 1, 2010

No Cavities and Leprechauns

“Am I going to get a shot in my mouth?” my son Tommy asked for the millionth time that morning.

“Tommy, it depends if you have a cavity or not,” I said as I drove along to the dentist office where he and his sister had an appointment that morning. Early in the morning, I might add. I am not a morning person so being asked the same question over and over was wearing on my nerves. Wasn’t he tired? Didn’t he just want to, I don’t know, BE?

“I don’t want a cavity!” Tommy said, slapping a hand over his mouth.

“So long as you brush you teeth good, you have nothing to worry about,” I assured him.

I parked in front of the dentist office and took a deep breath. Dentists, it should be known, scare the crap out of me. It’s probably because I have a gag reflex so when they’re messing around my mouth, they have to constantly stop so I can, well, gag. Then they’ll sigh and stare at me like I’m doing it on purpose and I’m NOT. Really. I can’t help it. I just need to be knocked out through the whole exam, even simple ones, but most dentist offices say they won’t do that.

My kids, thankfully, don’t seem to have my bad gag reflex.

“I don’t know if I like this,” Tommy said, slowly emerging from the car.

“I wouldn’t like it,” I wanted to say but I have to pretend like the dentist and I are best buds, that they aren’t scary at all, that their office doesn’t smell.

“It’ll go great,” I said and thought that Tommy would call me out on having a fake enthused voice. But he didn’t, he was too nervous.

And Natalie, well, Natalie kept saying, “He’s going to look in my mouth?” as we entered the building.

Natalie hasn’t always done so great with the dentist. For one, she usually cries. Two, she bit the dentist before. On purpose.

The plus about having an early appointment is that we were called back pretty quickly. Both kids had to lie back on the oversized chairs and Natalie did not want to do this at first.

“No thanks,” Natalie said when the dental hygienist asked her to lay back.

“Natalie,” I said, trying to force her down. “You have to lie back so they can look at your teeth. Won’t that be fun?”

“No thanks,” Natalie said and tried to walk away.

“Is Natalie being good?” Tommy asked. “Is she going to cry?”

“I hope not,” I said and managed to get Natalie to lie down. Thankfully she was distracted by the movie playing overhead.

I was tired as we sat there and slightly freaked out that I was in the dentist office. I tried not to pass out when I saw all the dentist equipment lying around. My gag reflex nearly flared when I saw it all. Oh man. The dentist needed to hurry and show up, otherwise I was going to have a panic attack and would probably start racing around the room begging for a paper bag to blow into.

The dental hygienist did the initial cleaning and started making conversation. She asked if we lived on the military base, I said yes, she said she used to live there until she got divorced. She asked what my husband did, I said he was in Korea for a year and then she went, “Oh. My ex-husband went to Iraq for a year and got another woman pregnant.”

Um.

It was like she was talking about the weather. “It’s sunny outside, lalala.”

“Oh,” was all I could muster. And then I started to think, holy crap, what if TOM got someone pregnant in Korea?

Not that he’d do such a thing.

“I never knew he could do such a thing,” the hygienist continued.

Oh my God. I was in a dentist office, which is one of the worst places in the world to be in my eyes, second to Hell, obviously, and now I was starting to panic that my husband was boinking another woman.

“I—” I started. I didn’t even know what I was going to say. But then the dentist sat down and asked how things were going.

“Great,” I said lightly, trying to pretend that I was on the beach. And oh my God, I just saw the spit sucker go into Tommy’s mouth. I hate the spit sucker thing. It makes me gag.

“Any concerns?” the dentist wondered jovially.

“I’m concerned that Natalie keeps calling little people leprechauns. I keep telling her that they aren’t, that they are regular people like us but I don’t think she gets it...and...oh, you meant with her teeth?” I immediately felt stupid. But, see, I was tired, I didn’t like being near a dentist, and I was petrified that Tom was sharing his bed with another woman.

“I did mean her teeth,” the dentist said, but he laughed at my comment.

“Right. No concerns with those.”

Natalie didn’t cry or bite the dentist, I’m proud to report.

Neither kid had any cavities.

“Yes! No shots!” Tommy said when he found out.

When I spoke to Tom later that night I blurted, “You aren’t going to get another woman pregnant because this hygienist said her husband did and I’m just not cool with it, okay?”

“Um. Hello to you too?” Tom answered.

“I’m sorry, it’s been a long day, dentists, accidental pregnancies, an irritating fly that I can’t seem to kill....”

“Natalie thinks little people are leprechauns. Don’t worry, I’m teaching her that it’s not the case but when we watch that Little People, Big World show she points to Matt Roloff and goes, “Leprechaun!” I blabbered.

“Excuse me?”

“You said you liked random comments. I just gave you one so you’d remember what we have,” I said sweetly.

Pretty much all my thoughts are random =) Yay for no cavities!I think it's really funny that Natalie calls little people Leprechauns, but you're right, it's wrong hahaThat hygenist lady sounds a little bitter and WHY IN THE WORLD would she think it a good idea to let you know her ex got another woman pregnant! Like that is something you need to even enter your thoughts. people are so insensitive

Haha! Glad there are no cavities or bites to report. I'm not sure I understand why this dentist wanna-be felt it was necessary to tell you that her husband cheated on her in Iraq. Tom will be fine, just tell him to wear his sponge bob shirt all the time. ;)

Oh that was sweet of your husband to say that!!! and what the devil was that hygenist thinking!? she must be nuts. I work for a dentist, and don't worry - lots of people have a really bad gag reflex. Don't feel like you are the only one! YAY for no cavities! haha

This was hilarious. Paul thinks I have my own vocabulary that needs deciphering. Not to mention I have a weird habit of starting conversations in the middle, totally not my fault people can't read my mind.

The hygienist? I wouldn't have been able to keep from asking her, "Bitter much?". (Hugs)Indigo

That reminds me of my first visit to a dentist, back about 71 years ago. I had a cavity that really hurt, and when I sat down in the dentist chair, he began feeling around in my mouth and looking out the window. And, back then I was a little smart-mouth (oops, I haven't changed) and asked him why he was staring out the window instead of paying attention to what he was doing. He replied that he didn't need to look because he could tell by feeling, Ha. I enjoy reading your blog tremendously. Love,Ruby

Oh, I HATE having to pretend to my kids that the dentist is my best good buddy and that it's no big deal to have a cavity filled! Yay! for no cavities! and I know it CAN'T possibly be PC for Natalie to be calling little people leprechauns but I'll be damned if that's not funny.

WOW I cannot believe that hygienist said that to you! Maybe it happened recently and she's still bitter from it. Regardless, she still shouldn't have said that to you! What Tom said to you is TOO SWEET :) and YAY for no cavities! I am also petrified of the dentist thanks to a bad experience my senior year of HS- went to get my teeth cleaned and the dentist ended up cutting my upper gum because he was going too fast.. had 3 stitches.. it was horrible!

LOL you really make me smile when I come to read your posts daily. :o) Your random comments crack me up! I'm glad Tom is behaving himself over in Korea and that the kids have great teeth and no cavities - I too am terrified of dentists and have to have gas and shots just to put me out to get my teeth cleaned - so just know you are not alone! HA! Big hugs! :o)

funny. I have a bad gag reflex too. luckily my son seems to have inherited that - so I never worried about him choking - unluckily its led to much more puking than I think the average child/mother experiences. and more puke usually ends up on me than him.

I'm just glad that Tommy didn't ask you if Dad was going to bring home a new brother or sister for him and Natalie! I love Natalie calling little people leprechauns! It's better than midgets now isn't it?

The hygienist that cleaned my teeth the other day and found EIGHT cavities (I'll pause so you can gasp when you think about all the hours I'll be in that chair with the smelly drill) and she was asking me if I got married later in life. If she hadn't had all those tools of torture at her disposal, I might have kicked her in the groin.

ok, so even knowing that you and tom are great. I STILL want to slap that bitch. I'm sorry but you don't go around saying stuff like that as if it applies to everyone in even remotely similar circumstances. ugh.

And there's your next book: "How Random Comments Keep the Joy in My Marriage!" Somebody needs to immediately administer an enormous dose of novacaine to that idiotic hygienist. Maybe you could have a leprechaun do it!!!

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