5 Reasons Burning Man Is Not as Cool as You Think

Call us old-fashioned, but in our day a handful of drugs and $350 was enough to have a good time without also needing to drive hundreds of miles into the desert. Also, in our day, a large group of people paying a fee to get together en masse for partying and sex was called a “frat party.” With that in mind, we took a look at burning man and decided it may not be the mecca of free art and thought it purports to be:

1. Burning Man is Hard on the Environment

The leave-no-trace philosophy of Burning Man is noble indeed, and their ability to clean up after themselves deserves commendation. However, achieving the zero-carbon-footprint ideal is difficult when one arrives at the utopia in a carbon-belching whale of a car.

2. Ugly, Naked People

Have you ever been to a sex club or a nudist camp? The words themselves conjure up images of hot naked people. In reality, these places are mainly populated with fat old pervs waiting around for someone resembling the opposite sex to wander in so they can paw at them and do weird stuff. Comedy bloggers frequentlyrant about how awkward the naked ugly people make the entire ceremony.

Now, we’ve never been, so the mentality of “OMG there’s so many fat naked hairy hippies out there” surely will win us no argument points. But frankly, almost everyone is pretty disgustingly ugly, naked, so any naked people might give us one of those painful inward boners we get when we are not turned on.

3. Worst Weather, Ever

Camping under the stars is definitely not on the agenda at Burning Man, where street-clearing dust storms are a common occurence. In addition, there has been rain, hail, and when that’s not happening there’s the usual 120-degree, clear, scorching skies.

It’s okay, though, as long as you follow the EgoTV-tested method of “be so damn high you don’t know what the weather is.” Not unlike these people, whose lungs no doubt have more silica in them than a 60-year-old coal miner:

5. It’s an Artistic Circle Jerk

Ask someone what’s so great about burning man and they will inevitably point you towards all the art. There are a lot of creative projects going on , although there articstic merit is to be debated.

First up are the so-called “Mutant Vehicles. Cars made to look like art are regulated at Burning Man.

If someone is arguing that creative cars driving around in the dirt and dust qualify as “art exhibits,” then we suggest they get front row tickets to the masterpiece of the mind that is a monster truck rally.

But people like us don’t go to Burning Man. Critics aren’t welcome, it’s a place where people can act however they want. Do anything- the possibilities are endless and the repercussions are minimal… Except burning down the Burning Man statue early. which will land you in jail for 2 years.

You ever go to one of those parts of the Internet, like the TV Tropes forums, where the standard policy is that everyone likes everyone else’s creative work? That’s what Burning Man feels like to us: Art made without the challenge of cross-appeal, art that is only displayed to people expecting to see good art and love it. Screw that, art should hurt. Well, it shouldn’t hurt the eyes like these pieces:

You know what? That last one is probably wicked awesome on psychedelics. Plus no ugly naked people in the shot, score one for Burning Man. We’re still not going.

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