thirty minus one

this is not how i wanted my life to be. busy. stressed. overseas. single.

then i turned twenty nine. this is REALLY not how i wanted my life to be.

one to two days before my birthday, i was experiencing intense spiritual battle. just knowing that i was entering into my last year of my twenty’s with still so many unknowns and questions unanswered got the best of me. i was thankful in my heart but also fearful of what’s to come and not to come. i could feel the evil one whispering in my ears to “slow down” “start taking care of yourself” and “get on with life”.

i dont usually think this way, but it nearing my birthday, one naturally turns more emo and self-focused. i just knew that God was using even “MY DAY” (haha, no such thing) to expose my sins. being busy is life. being stressed happens every now and then. living overseas has its ups and downs. but being single – did i really choose this?

my parents seem to think so. they think im choosing to be single. im choosing to hide myself from all the potentials in the world by living in a certain faraway country. im choosing to break their hearts by not moving on to the next stage of life. some other friends think im choosing to be “picky” “unavailable” and too “independent”.

no, what im choosing is to love Jesus and be loved by Him. i’m choosing to walk with him, and follow him wherever he leads me. im choosing to live life, not as my parents and peers tell me, but as my Father tells me. i’m not choosing to be busy, stressed, or single, but honestly, it comes at times as i choose Jesus. am i okay with that?

if i believe God to be sovereign and perfect, that all situations and contexts are filtered through his fingers of love, then i have to be okay with that. heck, i should be more than okay with that ! for not a single detail is missed by him. therefore my being tired, stressed, and single is not a mistake, but perfectly and individually fashioned for me.

so my conclusion after being 29 for about five days now is that although i get older and “singler”, i never, ever want to grow old in my passion for Christ and His church. my prayer for my upcoming years is that i wont stop dreaming big, wont get comfortable or seek comfort, and start to “settle” for far lesser things (i didn’t say people, i really mean just things, situations.)