Marco Rubio Arrested for Allegedly Shooting Four Hotel Employees

(I found this on Facebook, and it made me laugh. The author didn’t want me linking to a private account, but I have permission to post it to my blog.)

Marco Rubio Arrested for Allegedly Shooting Four Hotel Employees

Republican Presidential candidate Marco Rubio was arrested late last night after allegedly shooting four hotel workers at a campaign rally in Miami, Florida, police said.

A statement released by Miami Dade Metro Homicide Sergeant Joe Friday gave details of the attack.

“According to security footage, Mr. Rubio was giving a speech explaining how his third place finish in the Louisiana Republican primary put him in prime position to capture the nomination when he received word that Donald Trump’s poll numbers had increased by ten points following the previous night’s incident.”

In that well publicized event, Mr. Trump asked supporters at a rally to pledge their lives to him. After a mass rush to do so, he killed one of them with a single gunshot to the head. The incident was ruled voluntary homicide, and no charges were filed against Mr. Trump. “It’s just Donald being Donald,” the police said. A disturbing the peace charge was leveled against the corpse.

“Mr. Rubio,” the statement read, “proceeded to ask one of his staffers to obtain an assault rifle. The staffer, Shu Licker, promptly returned with an AK-47. The video shows Mr. Rubio spraying the hotel conference room with bullets and shouting, ‘If this doesn’t get me into the White House, I don’t know what will.’ A bartender, two maids, and a hotel assistant manager all sustained wounds and were pronounced dead on arrival at Mercy Hospital.”

When reached for comment, Sgt. Friday said, “It’s just lucky that it was a Rubio rally instead of any of the other candidates. Even a Kasich event would have had somebody other than a few of the hotel staff in attendance. The tragedy could have been so much worse.”

When asked what he thought the outcome of the case would be, Sgt. Friday said, “I really shouldn’t speculate, but I think Little Marco is going to get the chair … unless President Trump pardons him.