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October 2, 2009

For The Times You Just Want To Say Bad Words

It's early and I've been up for a little while now. I haven't been feeling well- trying to kick this cold and trying to get some sleep and I heard that barking cough coming from somewhere in the darkness. I yelled out each child's name and find out it's Gray and he is running around barking and crying downstairs.

I take the baby and we all three start the steamy bathroom, then breathe in the cold night air. I need to put more towels in the dryer. I need to clean up the kitchen. I need to DO EVERYTHING and it's 5 in the morning.

It's like I was already on the edge, and someone is playing a game with me to see how much closer I can be nudged until I fall off.

Or jump.

You know me! I try to see the good in all of this, (you know when I just typed that I typed "god" instead of "good" and I do try to see God in all of this but...)

But.

I need a break. I need to wake up one morning and have everything in order. So I can just start new or something. Can all the laundry be done, the bathrooms clean, dishes washed, all the tiny things that are undermyfeet put away and I am not asking for a house like in the magazines but just something better than right now. I am so behind.

And with nights and mornings like these, how can I ever ever catch up?

October is usually my favorite month. I am always so inspired during fall, the changing and the colors and the crisp and the cold. I wrote a poem in my dream last night but I can't remember it now. This makes me sad.

Before I went to bed I prayed over each of my boys and prayed over Gray again just moments ago. It made him feel better.

29 comments:

The only thing Gray will remember about today is that his mommy started the steamy bathroom... those moments are locked into his memory. October will come to you, I promise, in all its glory and color and crispness...

This is one of the many reasons why I wish I lived closer. I just showed my husband the "BOB" Ivy video, and talked about how much I couldn't wait to eat her face, and play with Carter and the boys. It isn't like I don't have plenty of playmates for them here ;)

I hope you feel better soon. Going for a drive is what helped us with the croup. Do you have a vaporizer (or two)?

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))I am right there with you on having everything done and clean...I go to bed each night with lists of stuff floating through my head of what I need to get done. You are doing a wonderful job Mama...hang in there!

I can't know how you feel, but I do know that longing to just. this. once. be caught up. If I could just get caught up I could stay caught up...Wish I could do more, but sending you {{HUGS}} cuz that's what I've got. :)SJ

Oh I wish we lived closer! I don't know how much help I'd be with laundry, since that is a dirty word at my house, :) BUT sometimes a little company while cleaning is super wonderful. I hope you feel better soon!

Oh Steph, I am so sorry. I have only a small understanding of what you're going through. Constantly feeling behind, like there's so much to do, and when intheworld is it all going to get accomplished. Take comfort in the fact that you have prayers being sent up for ya.

Darling, you are not alone. I don't think I've felt on top of things for months... After my daughter Eleanor was born I've merely been in survival mode. Not that we don't have great days or that my bathrooms are never clean, or anything like that. But, certainly, not all of the things are clean and great all at the same time!!! I will say a prayer for you. I saw that your most recent post already shows that things are looking up for you. And that is such a blessing. Enjoy your day! Redeem the time! May our good God bless you beyond your wildest imaginings as you seek to do his will by caring for the things in which you are responsible in this life :O)

hang in there! Last night I had trouble falling asleep because I just felt like I hadn't done "enough" (enough with my daugher, enough in the house, etc.)

I make a commitment to actively play with my daughter today, and anything else I get done is simply a bonus. Changing my frame of mind is helping me today. The house is still a mess, but I'm realizing that it isn't nearly as important as playing and hugging on my little one.

i am teary-eyed reading this because i feel the exact same way. know i need a break so that i do not become repugnant, mean, and ugly to my children. it's so hard. this mothering is soooo hard and always worth it but very exhausting. i hope you find your rest soon. you deserve it.

Ugh- I hate when these types of feelings take over...they get the better of me quite often these days. Glad you are feeling the love (read your later post too). Since I don't have any words of wisdom, allow me to empathize with you for just a moment. Oh I truly understand where you are coming from, though the details of our lives may vary, I GET this! Hope things are looking up over the weekend at least. Sending hugs!

((((HUGS)))) This sounds kind of like my post last from yesterday. Steph, I have someone here to help me 5 days of the week and I *still* don't feel like I can stay on top of everything. It's no wonder it's all overwhelming. There truly aren't enough hours in the day to do everything we want to do. I'd bet that the most important stuff does get done. Folded laundry and toys under your feet -- those are just details.