Scandal Finale: No Happy Endings and One GIANT Secret Is Revealed

Gladiators, please call all of Poland, half of France, and every Swiss mofo named Sven, and tell them all to promptly report to Germany so they can rebuild the Berlin Wall, as I need something gargantuan to dramatically slide myself down before collapsing to the ground like a dizzy 3-year-old after playing Ring Around the Rosie because, frankly, doing a wall slide against my refrigerator door is not cutting it because it's about as tall as Tom Cruise in a pair of Tevas. What I'm trying to say is that the season two finale of Scandal murderized me, met up with me in the afterlife, spilled guacamole all over my new, white angel clothes, and then "Will Smith alien punched" me in the face Independence Day style, and said, "Welcome to Heaven." What the hell, Shonda & Co.?! Why are you hazing me in kingdom come when I should be happy? But I'm not happy because I have to wait until the fall to find out what's going to happen with Olivia. Before we get to the juicy revelation about her, let's break down what happened up until that point in last night's episode entitled "White Hat's Back On."

We open at OPA. The whole team is in "I can't believe it's not butter" disbelief regarding the mole, and like a Google cal alert telling you that Father's Day is one week away, Huck reminds Olivia that she ordered him not to kill any more people, so he had to hire out to get Billy a.k.a. Pert Plus Hair neutralized. Cut to flashback: We see Charlie getting ready to off Pert Plus, who spares himself by offering to share valuable secrets. Sigh, just as Harrison told Olivia before, "You are the problem." She should've let Huck handle the situation, then all she would've had to do to distract herself from the thought of the Huckster killing is go have sex with Fitz in a pantry somewhere next to a tub of Crisco.

Next, we cut to "good for nothing type of brother" David and Billy in the car. David says he's holding on to the Cytron card until the time is right for them to use it. Pert Plus is annoyed. You know who else is annoyed? The Defiance crew. Liv, Cy, Hollis, and Mellie are in the White House kitchen. Everyone's stressed about the mole except Hollis Doyle, who is straight chilling, just busy pouring Thousand Island on his salad and sounding like if Larry the Cable Guy graduated from University of Phoenix online. I love how much of a damn he does not give about something unless the solution to a problem is death. Liv says the meeting's not starting until everyone arrives. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Verna is dead, so who the heck are they waiting for? Fitz! He comes strolling in the room with that sexy "I just got a 6% raise at my job" stroll and tells an angry Mellie to sit down. Everyone tosses out ideas to the President about Albatross, and he chooses Olivia's: Kill no one, but just get the card back to take away the mole's power. Shoot, so that wasn't a decoy card like some of us thought last week.

Sick of Olitz, Mellie storms out of the meeting. Cy follows and manages to calm her down. For now. Fitz and Olivia are now alone. He tries to hold her, but she walks away and expresses her disappointment that they aren't going to be together because he's running for reelection. He tells her they aren't waiting because he's going to divorce Mellie, marry her, remain President, and move her into the White House. Hmm, Fitz, lemme cue up a Saved by the Bell time-out. Idk what you're smoking, but you honestly think America's ready for you to dump your white wife for your black mistress? America ain't even ready to convert to the metric system—and we've had damn near 40 years to do so—but magically everyone's going to get behind this scandalous relationship in the time it takes to watch a season of Game of Thrones? Let's get real. Anyway, Liv feels the same way I do, but Fitz counters and tells her to use her superpower (being a fixer) to come up with a plan for the U.S. to stop liking Mellie, so they will be OK with him leaving her. Then they kiss. Liv tells him to stop before someone walks in on them, but he keeps kissing her, then tells her he's about to use his superpower and moves his head south like he's looking for leftover Christmas lights in a basement. Oooh! Because of this scene, every church fan, window fan, and ceiling fan in the country was turned on and directed at women's crotches.

We cut to MBD, whose name I finally learn is Rowan, and he tells Jake to bring Olivia in. Captain Goose Down Pillow Lips doesn't want to do it unless he knows. Rowan doesn't have time for this and says he will find someone else to do so if Jake is unwilling to follow commands. Then he bounces, followed by a silent white lady a.k.a. SWL walking behind him.

While on TV, James learns that Fitz is allegedly seeking religious counseling. He visits Cy and asks how that info got leaked to the press when he didn't know about it. After Cy denies freezing James out, James drops the bomb that Sally will soon announce that she's creating a presidential exploratory committee, so she can run against Fitz in the primary.

Cy tracks down Sally and puts her in her place like she's a container of paprika going back in a cabinet when he tells her that her only two jobs are to not die and to be loyal to the President. With her hair teased high to Jesus, she says the immorality and shenanigans of the Fitz administration is too much for her. Please, Shonda, tell me we'll see more of her in season three.

Back at OPA, the team is trying to figure out how to get to Pert Plus Hair, not realizing that David's sneaking ass, who is sitting right there, is the one who can help. But not all is lost. Liv met with Governor Reston; she believes he's in cahoots with Billy, so now she needs proof. My favorite maybe-couple Huckleberry Quinn hack into Reston's security cameras outside his home and see that Billy did show up. Happy with her hacking, Quinn leaves the room. Huck tells Olivia that Quinn reminds him of himself, and he worries about her like he worries about Liv. She says she's OK because she came up with a plan to become the First Lady. When Quinn returns, they look at the footage and see Pert Plus Hair was at Reston's house two hours ago. David calls Billy and tells him that OPA is on to him. Dammit, David. If I could, I would rip your glasses off your face and stomp them out like a just-married couple does a wine cup at a Jewish wedding.

While meeting with Rowan, Cy says he hasn't shown the sex tape yet because Olitz are his friends. Rowan does not care and demands that the tape sitch be handled while he takes care of Olivia. Uh-oh. He storms off just as Liv calls Cy and tells him Billy and Reston are working together. Cy panics because Reston is meeting with Fitz at the Oval Office as they speak! She tells him to break up the meeting, and as he heads toward the White House, he has a heart attack. Meanwhile, Reston tells the Prez that he better replace Sally as VP on the reelection ticket or the world will find out about the voter fraud. Fitz, of course, admits nothing, but Reston still makes the threat that if this deal is not accepted by 9 A.M., it's game over.

Liv races over to Fitz, but before she can find out what happened with Reston, Cy calls. Seriously, "dedication" must be his middle name because he's in an ambulance with nipples out and full of Michael Douglas circa Fatal Attraction rage, and he's trying to save the presidency. Meanwhile, at my day job, I have perma "You giving me work at 5:55 P.M." bitch face even when it's 10:15 in the morning. Cy, I know I was mad at you for making your boo cry last week, but you are gangster, and I must salute thee. Back to the story at hand: Cy is caught up to speed and thinks getting rid of Sally isn't the worst idea. Liv doesn't trust it because Reston hates Fitz and wants revenge.

James visits Cy at the hospital and is so freaking cute with the "don't die on me while I'm mad at you" comment. Cy, not one for sappiness, just motions for his boo to come over the same way I do to my mom when after five minutes of her unsuccessfully figuring out how to DVR a TV show, I get impatient and do it for her. James and Cy embrace and say, "I love you."

But enough of the tender moments because OPA is trying to get the Cytron card back from who they think has it: Billy. Speaking of Pert Plus Hair, we see him giving a convincing, if gross, speech (after all, he admits to killing Osbourne, Molly, and Wendy, the murder that he framed David for) about how David needs to turn his back on OPA because they ruined his life. David agrees and hands Billy the card. No!

Fitz, Olivia, and Cy agree that they'll pretend to accept Reston's deal—if he provides proof of the voter fraud—so he'll have to reach out to Billy. Reston agrees to these terms; Liv lets Huckleberry Quinn know, so they can hack into his phone. And what do you know? He does call Pert Plus Hair, and they track Billy's location.

Meanwhile, Mellie learns that while Fitz's approval rating has gone up since news of him seeking spiritual guidance has come out, hers has come down. She wisely shows up at the hospital, and the way Fitz's facial expression changes is the same as mine when I get excited about all the Facebook notifications I got, then I see most people were too lazy to write "Happy birthday" on my wall and instead typed, "hbd:"

Mellie doesn't let Fitz's chilly demeanor rattle her as she says there are cameras there, and she wants them to tape her and Fitz leaving together. He tells her they aren't leaving together, and their days capitalizing on their marriage for political gain is over. Poor Cy; he looks awkward as hell as Prez breaks down Liv's plan to Mellie. He tells her she's leaving the White House to have her own political career, but he will support her. Then he's going to pretend date some women and eventually, it will leak that he fell in love with Liv after he was shot and America will fall in love with her for that. This will then open up a discussion about race, which will radicalize the Republican party. However, if Mellie doesn't go along with this and leaks Liv name to the press right now, he will paint the First Lady as a racist. Wow. Masterful, but also, Fitz, you don't need to reveal your entire plan in front of Mellie & Cy, who, by the way, are two of the shadiest people in your damn life. Why don't you bring non-secret-keeping Secret Service Hal in the room, so he can spill the beans about your game plan through a series of winks Morse code style. If you're smart enough to have sex next to the KitchenAid mixer in the kitchen at your job and not get caught, then why are so damn dumb right now and telling everything like a villain at the end of a Bond movie? Grr! Anyway, Mellie looks like she's about cry, so she leaves.

Olitz have a cute phone call because he can't spend the night. She says it's fine because she has plans and then gets off the phone and pours a glass of wine. Good grief, does she have to look so lonesome when he's not around? He went down on her less than 24 hours ago; she should be doing the "Patti LaBelle thank the Lord I still have one Klondike bar in my freezer dance" until sundown on Saturday:

Moving on. Someone is trying to get into her apartment, and that's when she goes to lock the door. She tries to call 911. Jake sneaks up behind her, covers her mouth, and tells her to be quiet. SWL breaks in, and Jake kills her. RIP, SWL. We hardly knew ya.

Huckleberry Quinn are at waiting at Billy's place. Pert Plus Hair finally shows up and bolts as soon he seems them. They get him back to his apartment and just as Huck is about to begin the torture, he has a panic attack. Quinn calms him and says he doesn't have to do it. She takes the power drill. Don't do it, girl!! Oh, jeez, and she does it. She starts drilling Pert Plus Hair, and she clearly enjoys it. Huck looks mortified. I am too. But Quinn does get Billy to tell her where the card is. So success, I guess?

Jake takes Liv back to OPA and tells her not to leave the office. He doesn't know why someone is trying to kill her, but he says as long as she dates the President, she's at risk. He mentions he's a part of B613, then gets ready to head out. She doesn't want him to leave because she thinks he will be killed for saving her, and he should be spared because he's a good guy. He goes, "No, I'm not. Sleeping with you was my mission, so don't bother missing me." Aww, Jake is giving me the case of the sads. He deserves some happy, so Liv tells him to close his eyes and kisses him. He says goodbye. Harrison pops out of nowhere like the alien does out of the water in Aliens and says, "It just got real." How is this his only dialogue for the entire episode? Shonda & Co. are treating him like the cast is in a top level marching band, while he's a scrub hidden away in the corner playing "Hot Cross Buns" on the recorder. Please get Harrison a story line next season. Thank you.

Next, Cy visits Liv at OPA. She tells him someone tried to kill her and asks him if he knows about B613. He can't say for national security reasons, and she's like, "Whatevs, Fitz and I are gonna be together." Cy is about have heart attack #2 because he has lied, stolen, moved heaven and earth for them, and almost died for them when Olitz are too dumb and in love to try and save their own lives. Liv is not feeling this convo, so she starts to leave, and that's when he tells her that Fitz killed Verna! Oh, hell no! Cy, that was not your secret to tell. But it's too late. Liv is horrified that Fitz is a killer. Cy leaves. Probably so he can go sit down and not ruin anyone's else night, right? Nope! He goes to the White House and makes Fitz watch the sex tape. F--K YOU, Cyrus. But also, I get it. He was on the escalator past Jamba Juice and Sears and on his way to the big guy in the sky just to help Olitz. Hell, I'm surprised Cy didn't plug in Bose surround speakers, so Fitz could hear all the treble and bass in the sex tape. So I guess, what I'm trying to say is, "Unf--k you, Cy." Wow, that was a quick change of heart.

Abby gets the card and brings it back to OPA. The card is empty; it was a fake. Abby then deduces that David must be playing them because he is nowhere to be found. She rummages through his apartment. While she does this, we see flashbacks of David since his time at OPA: Every night, he punched in various numbers to figure out the code to Olivia's safe, Billy and Charlie showed up to threaten him, he made replicas of the Cytron card, and finally, we see him giving Pert Plus Hair one of them. Then we end this montage on a box called "For Olivia."

Back at the WH, Fitz is still watching the tape. For real, you're going to watch the whole thing like it's the director's cut of The Godfather? That's ridic. Fitz, this sex tape is like the movie Glitter—you only need to see 30 seconds of it to realize that you watched all you need to watch of it. Finally, he stops looking at and is utterly heartbroken. Cy leaves.

Later, the Defiance crew meet up. Olitz say nothing to each other, and Cy gets a message that David wants to see him. He turns over the Cytron card, but says he wants something in return. Fitz holds a press conference where he announces David as the new U.S. Attorney General.

We cut back to the "For Olivia" box. Liv opens it. There's a tape of David's convo with Pert Plus Hair. She then puts on the white hat that's inside. Love the symbolism coming full circle. Also, what a relief to learn that David wasn't playing OPA. I take back what I said about smashing his glasses. You know who else is happy? Quinn. Her and Huck return to the office, and she's recounting how she tortured Billy. Huck says nothing, goes into his office, closes his door, and sits back in the corner. Huck is broken again.

Liv and Fitz meet at the Oval Office. They realize that Cy was the one who told them about each other's dirty deeds. Fitz says he was going to tell her that he doesn't care about Jake and they can start over, but he's guessing that she doesn't feel the same way about murder. Real quick: Verna was going to die quicker than it takes to heat up a Pop-Tart. I could see that if she was 28 with Beyonce concert tickets and tons of years ahead of her. That would be murder. But she was old as hell and was already on her death bed, so Liv should only be as mad as I get when when sometimes I just missed the train by 10 seconds. I get mad, but then I check Twitter from my smartphone, and I'm fine again. Is that mean? Anyway, Liv says things have gone too far and now that Defiance is over, he should start clean. Run for reelection with Mellie at his side. Fitz wants Liv to be his First Lady, and she tells them she can't leave OPA because they need her. She's a gladiator.

Cue a montage set to Stevie Wonder's "Higher Ground" montage. Liv is alone in bed and at peace. Fitz goes to see Mellie, drops to his knees in front of her, lays his head on her lap. Ugh, why does he have to be so weak? Why can he just high-five her like they are Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson in White Men Can't Jump? Why is she taking him back AGAIN? Obvs, I'm asking way too many questions because there are only a few minutes left, and there simply isn't enough time to answer everything, so I will continue with the montage. Cy destroys the Cytron card, Liva leaves her apartment, and Jake is thrown in the same cell that made Huck go all "752" a few weeks ago. David is at work, and we land back on Liv. She is walking through a lobby full of her neighbors and then exits the building. She is swarmed by press who are asking about her affair with Fitz. Luckily, she is whisked away and put into a limo. Rowan is there. He says, "Hi," and she goes, "Dad?" Uh, come again? ROWAN IS HER DADDY?!?!?! WTF? But he's the one who told Jake to have sex with her, then demanded they make a sex tape, then probably watched the tape, and then had people try to kill her. Eww. This is freaking disgusting and very confusing. Can't believe America has to wait until September to find out what's going on! Props to you, Shonda, for a very well done finale.

Side note: LMAO at everyone in Liv's apartment building for being shady as hell by not saying one word to her. They knew the press was outside, yet they all looked at her tight-lipped as if it were the aftermath of Walmart's Black Friday sale, and they were thinking, "Girl, if you wanted a $2 waffle iron, then you should've gotten your ass here at 4 A.M." Every last one of y'all is trifling from the floor to ceiling to out the damn door, around the corner, past the Dunkin Dounts on the left side of the street, and up to the Trader Joe's down the block. But #RealTalk, I probably would've done the same thing because as we all know, there are three times in life when you need to mind your business and keep your eyes on your own paper: blue-book exams, oral sexy times, and after you fart in an elevator.

Finally, with immense sadness, I'm presenting the final Kerry Washington Lip Quiver Quotient (You can read the LQQ explanation here) of the season. Because the entire world of Scandal was shaken up to the point that I don't know my right from my left, it makes perfect sense to use the "When A Heifer Gets Slick With You In Front Of Your Entire Family, But By The Time You Think Of A Good Comeback, She's Already Walked Away So All You Can Do Is Awkwardly Sip Your Glass Of Iced Tea" lip quiver:

Because I was just as smug as Olivia when she was leaving.

__Alrighty, what did you think of last night's explosive finale? If Rowan is the head of B613, was he the one who then put the hit out on Olivia? Who told the press Olivia is Fitz's mistress?

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Finally, thanks for reading my recaps and see you for the start of season three in September! In the meantime, if you watch Pretty Little Liars, I'll be recapping the show starting with the season-four premiere on June 11 at 8 P.M. ET/7 P.M. CT.