Thursday, February 26, 2004

In less than 2 hours from now, at Harry Karey's Restaurant in Chicago, the infamous "Steve Bartman Ball" will be blown up. This is perhaps the stupidist thing I've ever heard. And that includes the time that my mom told me that I was special and that all my dreams can come true.

In other news, I just saw a commercial for a new line of Go-Bots toys. However, as had been my credo in stand up comedy from day one, I will neither talk about nor make any humorous refence about the Go-Bots.

Just spoke to Adam Hunter on the phone. His goal is to overtake the comedy scene in LA, and mine is to overtake the comedy scene in NYC. Then,if everything works out we can meet in Missouri and be road hacks.

Once again we've had more hits here at Rubinville than any other month. I'd like to think it has to do with my witty and incisive (did I spell that right?) journal, but I think it has more to do with the pics we put up on my bio page. People just love looking at me, what can I say.

A new study on CNN.com says that 60 percent of adults drink. Makes me wonder how kids wash down their peanut butter and jelly if they don't drink.

Rosie O'Donnell is getting married in San Fransisco today. Hoepfully her marraige will last longer than her Broadway show "Taboo".

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Just flicked over to ESPN thinking I was gonna catch Sportscenter, but instead it's their new reality show, "Dream Job", where contestants are all vying to be the next great anchor on the network. Lemme trow in a couple things here in no particular order.

1. There is nothing real about reality television.

2. Reality TV is wrecking the dreams of actually talented people.

3. Stuart Scott is arguable the most annoying person on television.

4. Stand up comedy is the only reality entertainment out there.

You didn't think I was gonna not bring that around to stand up, did you?

Stand up is totally reality or as close as reality as entertainment can be, at least good stand up. I don't know how this never hit me before but every night I get up there and perform in front of a group of strangers who are judging me literally every moment of the performance. I can tell if they are enjoying me or not by their laughs (or lack thereof), their stares, their body launguage and just their very being when they are in that audience.

There are no celebrity judges however, and the only judgement after the performance is what I think of myself. Weeks and months and years can go by withouth really knowing that I'm making a dent beyond my own personal gratification. And yet it is just that very thing that makes me push myself more and more everyday even though there is no million dollar prize, no dream job, and no midget bride.

Friday, February 20, 2004

Every now and again, usually after a particularly good set, girls come up to me and ask me to father their child. While I'm flattered by the offer, I have consistently denied them the oppurtunity to do so because I'm not sure that I'm ready for such a great responsibility.

Much of my trepidation stems from the fact that for the past few months I have been unable to maintain proper PH levels in my fishtank. Ever since the blackout this past summer, the water has just been slightly off, and despite using all the chemicals known to man, several water changes, and even sifting the gravel, I just can't get this PH to stay at 7. Several fish have gotten sick or even died in the process, and quite frankly, I don't know if there is much else I can do. I've even tried drinking the water to test it and it tastes just fine. Actually with a little twist of lemon its pretty damn good.

Anyways, until I resolve this problem, I cannot become a father. I'm sorry.

In other news, I wasn't traded by the NBA trading deadline, though apparently the Atlanta Hawks offered 2 draft picks and cash for me, because my contract is about to expire and they want to use my slot to sign a big free agent.

I love Bill Cosby, I mean the man is my comic hero, but what in the hell was he thinking when he brought cousin Pam into the last season of The Cobsy Show? I mean, I know Rudy got too ugly to show on TV, but I still think it was a bad choice.

The Yanks got Alex Rodriguez. As a Yankee fan, I guess I'm happy about it, but this insane payroll they are amassing is obviosuly wrecking the sport. How can the small market team compete? I heard that the Milwaukee Brewers have so little money they pay there players in beer and cheese.

You don't want to know how long it took me to figure out how to spell Milwaukee.

Monday, February 16, 2004

I have a rare night off tonight, which allows me to catch up on some network television. It turns our that the rumors about the midget dating show on Fox are true, because I'm watching it right now. Some people say that this show is good because it will allow the rest of us to see that little-people are just like the rest of us. I for one, would rather continue to belive that midgets can jump very high and that dwarfs can shoot lazers out of their eyes.

Or is that the other way around? I always get confused.

In non-midget news, The Comedy Company NYC, is now under construction and should be set to go sometime in April. For those of you who haven't heard yet, this is the new venture that myself and the team at Joe Franklin's is about to venture upon. I'll continue to book both shows and perform on them, and now we'll have two clubs to workout and perfect our respective hilariousness.

The new club is in an great location on 50th and 7th Avenue. It is an amazing space and we're in the midst of all the design stuff right now. When we came to Joe Franklin's Restaurant a year ago with the idea of running a comedy show in the back, it took us months to finally get them to go for it. Now, we'll have our own club, not just a room in the back of a restaurant. My prediction is that this is where many of us will really take this whole thing to the next level. Either that, or this will be the place where we take several network executives hostage until they give us a show. That, of course, would ultimately end in a murder-suicide situation. I guess only time will tell.

Oh jeez, now the midget is in a hot tub with 2 regular sized woman. Whoa, it's getting hot in here.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

According to an article I am now reading on Foxnews.com, Barbie and Ken are splitting up. Yup, the moment we all thought could never happen has just been announced by Mattel at the 2004 Toyfair in NYC.

Rumor has it that that breakup is because Ken walked in on Barbie in the midst of a threesome with Mer-Man and Han Solo.

Ken has since been seen with She-Ra several times since the split.

Actually, in all seriousness, Mattel can go screw themselves for trying to up sales of their plastic woman by making her divorced. How long can you go people? They also have just announced to discontinue all He-Man products. You can go to He-man.org website to sign the petition to keep He-Man alive. Let it be noted that if you do it, your nerd factor goes up by 15 percent. (Mine went up by 30 percent by writing that, so don't worry.)

In more internet news, the Drudge Report is saying that John Kerry might've had an affair with an intern and then had her leave the country to cover up the story. Whats up with democrats banging interns and Republicans attacking Iraq?

I got a technical foul last night in our baketball game. We won however, an upped the record to 4-4, right in the thick of the playoff hunt. The technical was via this short, fat, loser of a ref who I've had encounters with in the past. I know I should cut him some slack cuz he is short and fat, but I just can't do it.

The Berverly Hills 90210 E True Hollywood Story is on. Remember that episode when David's friend accidentely shot himself while showing David his father's gun? That was hilarious.

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Well, I'm watching the Grammy's right now, which means once again, I was not nominated for anything. I don't really mind not being recognized for being one of the preeminant recorder players of this generation, but now where will I be able to pull of the stunt where I was gonna rip off Ellen Degeneres' metal bra?

My roomate is working for a company that is putting grade school records into giant computer systems. According to his information, there in fact, is no such thing at 'the permanent record.' If that's the truth I think I might run for President after all.

LeBron James wasn't named to the Eastern Conference All- Star team, which at first pissed me off because he is clearly one of the 3 or 4 best players in the East. Then, after careful consideration I realized that he has a lot more money than me.

I've been doing my writing lately with a Uniball Vision Fine pen. I'd like to endorse them as the official pen of this website.

Apparently, the NHL All-Star game was today. I didn't know they still had a league. Good for Canada.

President Bush had a nice chat with Tim Russert on NBC yesterday. Bush said basically that he had bad information but that he did the right thing by going to war. Then he said nobody would be fired for giving him the bad information. Clearly the people in the intelligence community have pictures of this him doing cocaine off the desk of the White House.

Someone just told me that they don't put peanuts in Cracker Jacks anymore. If this is true I've really had it with the anti-peanut lobby in Washington. It was one thing when they took peanuts off airplanes, but this is ridiculous.

I'm looking for a 3 million dollar endowement for a science project I'm about to embark on. I don't wanna give away too much right now but lets just say it involves the DNA replication of dinosaurs, a 1.21 jiggawatt power source and an all-powerful ring that controls the fate of the world.

Friday, February 06, 2004

I turn on "Late Night with Craig Kilborn" last night and they are doing a segment they call "What Up" where Craig is talking to Rob Shnieder and 2 writers in little different video boxes with the topics they will discuss on the bottom of the screen. The format was a blatant steal of the show "Around the Horn" on ESPN, which is a great show hosted by Max Kellerman, where he and various panelists discuss all kinds of spots topics and some non-sports topics. The show has a great pace and is strikingly funny for a non-comedy program. The revolving panelists are all original and have their own point of view.

Kilborn and his writers flat out stole this great mechanism for a show and made it a segment on their crappy "comedy" program. I once thought Kilborn was funny and original, but that was 8 years ago, when he was still back at ESPN on Sportscenter.

I sent an e-mail to the Kilborn people, but couldn't find one for the Around the Horn guys. Hopefully, someone will bring it to their attention, and while imitation is the best for of flattery, they will grill the hell out of Kilborn and his hack writers.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

John Kerry is creeping closer and closer to the Democratic nomination. I find him to be the most energetic, exciting, full-of-energy candidate ever.

And that was the most bold-faced, nonsensical, sarcastic comment ever.

I just had two hotdogs for lunch. I;m not sure if you can consider two hotdogs lunch really. They were $2.50 each, but since I'm used to buying hotdogs at Yankee games I gave the guy 8 bucks per dog and told him to keep the change.

What do you think of the new little cartoon of me at the desk on the video page? If you stare into my eyes for like 30 seconds you can actually start tripping.

I haven't caught this new Transformers Energon series on Cartoon Network yet but I'm hearing good things. I've been told they bring back Starscreams ghost even. I guess that makes up for killing Startscream in the Transformer Movie, even though I know that many people would say he deserved it for constantly bad-mouthing Megatron.

Monday, February 02, 2004

Justin Timberlake released the following statement today in response to Janet Jackson's tit flying out during the Superbowl Halftime Show...

"I'm sorry if anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction during the halftime production."

Wardrobe malfunction? Wardrobe malfunction? Have any of you ever had a wardrobe malfunction before? We just added a new phrase to the english lexicon. A wardrobe malfunction. Yea, like when you are walking around and suddenly your zipper undoes itself and your underwear moves to the side and your penis pops out. That's happened to everyone, right?

Wardrobe fucking malfunction. Brilliant.

MTV, god bless them, posted the following statement on their website...

"The tearing of Janet Jackson's costume was unrehearsed, unplanned, completely unintentional and was inconsistent with assurances we had about the content of the performance. MTV regrets this incident occurred and we apologize to anyone who was offended by it."

Now I need help with this one. MTV is saying that this unrehearsed, unplanned and completely unintentional act was inconsistent with assurances that they had abotu the content of the performance that THEY put on. Who makes assurances about THIER content if not THEM? Who are they talking about? Who is assuring the content of their programs if not them? The only thing I'm offended by is them just not admitted that all they do is sell sex, and putting on a quality show with good music hasn't been on the MTV agenda since 1987. That is offensive, a tit is not.

In summation, Carson Daly can go fuck himself.

I know that he didn't have anything to do with this, but that seemed like a good time to just throw that in somewhere.