Tuesday, 28 February 2012

I recently had a dream about two star finches. We lost our star finch, Eric, in 2010. I have come to realise that one of our zebra finches, Stuart - our longest-term, probably oldest, resident bird - is struggling. Stu's firm best friend, for years, was Eric - and I begin to see the significance of my recent dream - which did also manage to cover various other issues/factors - current worries - which I can't, and won't, discuss on this blog, or anywhere else - and it would be too hard to know where to start, in any case.

I can only say that I have changed so much inside, spiritually and emotionally, since leaving Reading in October 2000, at not quite twenty-seven years of age, with Colin, my then-boyfriend (husband since March 2001). At the moment, I feel that I have come to a crossroads, and all of the options look very, very scary and uninviting. So I am sitting in the middle of the road at present, and hoping not to get hit by just about every passing vehicle. Most won't change direction in order to avoid hitting me, so I can only jump out of the way at the last minute, or wait to be knocked down, and hope that my injuries will not be fatal.

Does that make sense as a blog post? I don't really know, but I hope that it does. I needed to at least try to express my feelings. Not an easy task right now!

Thursday, 23 February 2012

This blog has a new title. I felt that "Reflections of the Quagan Poet" was no longer quite right. I am currently avoiding labels, such as "Quaker", "Quagan" and "Pagan". I feel that all labels are restrictive and limiting. I don't require them, at this point in my spiritual journey. Earlier in the year, I altered my "Religious views" on Facebook, from "Quagan" to "Spiritual but not religious".

"Imperfect Expressions" is the title of one of my poems. The poem is about my relationship with the goddess Rhiannon. I realised last night that it would make a good title for the blog.

The URL will not change. I have tried to change blog URLs before, and Blogger won't allow it. I would have to delete the blog and start again, which I don't wish to do - so, the URL will still be www.quagan.blogspot.com.

Sunday, 15 January 2012

I don't currently feel that I am comfortable with the "Quagan" label. I don't feel that I fit in anywhere spiritually, or even want to - but my beliefs remain powerful. I just don't fit in with any of the "clubs", and I don't believe that I ever will.

I am very sad to announce that we lost Sparkey budgie today. I don't want to discuss it, as I have kind of done that already, with a few friends on Facebook. I don't have the emotional strength to "go there" again.

I suppose I just felt that it was time to "check in" again - update this increasingly neglected spiritual blog of mine.

I am not leaving the flat at present, or talking to/dealing with anyone, apart from Colin - except for online (Facebook, etc), which is my lifeline. This has been since the start of November, or at least that was when the "final crash" came. I talk more about this on my other blog: www.paulablogaboutnothing.blogspot.com. I don't really use the blog.com one much anymore, which was my original "general purpose blog". Anyway, I did at least manage to stand outside today in the back garden, and watch my husband bury our feathered baby. That really is a big deal, too - which demonstrates how crazy the situation has got! I know that I need to break the cycle and, once I do, hopefully...I just wish that my tummy problems would improve as those, combined with the mental health issues, seem to conspire to stop me breaking out of "my own cell", as Alanis describes it in "These Excuses".

I wrote a short poem, in the build up to this year's Winter Solstice. I just posted it on: www.paulapoems.blogspot.com. It also appears on: http://paulapuddephatt.tripod.com/poetry and I posted it on Tumblr. It was written spontaneously, and didn't go through any real editing process. It expresses deep emotions, a sense of spirituality, a moment captured - was written in a morning after very little sleep. I feel that the poem refers to my feelings about the moon goddess Rhiannon. I have talked about Rhiannon in previous blog posts.