The Story of Sodom

Posted to several newsgroups including alt.politics.homosexuality

I thought this would be a great time to share with y'all
the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Now being a good Christian,
I'm going to tell it from THAT perspective, and we can see how wonderful
and logical this story is when placed in the context that [the religious right]
would like us to believe.

OK --- get your popcorn and I'll continue.

One upon a time there were two cities named Sodom and Gomorrah.
They were filled with lusty bands of homosexuals (and presumably lesbians,
though some convetional Xian wisdom thinks they were invented with
womyn's golf), who made the cities a nasty place for right-thinking
Xians to live [1]. And God was pissed.

So God sends down three angels (who all graduated from
the Police Academy and had very dangerous jobs)[1] down to Sodom to
consult with Lot, a nice and wonderful person and warn him that
there was about to be a dramatic increase in the amount of
broadband gamma raditaion in the local area.

Lot, upset at losing real estate potential, invites the
angels in, and proceeds to dicker with God over the terms of this
proposal. Lot enters the Sodom righteousness sweepstakes: if
he can find N righteous men and if by rubbing off the spot on the
top of their heads that number matches the number on the ticket the
angels gave him, Sodom and Gomorrah will be saved.

The number N is revealed to be *5*.

Lot goes out and doesn't meet his quota.

God began the process of massive lay-offs, but wait! there's
more! A lusty band of homosexuals come to the door asking for dates
with the hunky angels from out of town. (Who are presumably
heterosexual since Lot would NEVER have a homosexual in his house...
one knows this by looking at the interior decorating of Lot's domicile...)
Lot refuses, and offers his two virginal daughters to them in the
hopes that in doing so they (who presumably number more than 2)
will be "converted" into heterosexuality. [2][3][4]

MORAL #1: When your house is beseiged by a lusty band of
homosexuals, it is proper etiquette to offer them your
virginal daughters so as to cure them.

Since the time is up, and Lot did not hit the Jackpot, God begins
the nuking of the two cities. Lot and family leave the city under
orders not to look back, presumably for the problems of cataracts
induced by the high-band emissions. Lot's wife (who doesn't have a name)
in a moment of distraction, considers she might have left the Water Pik
plugged in, and - ZAP! turns in to the world's largest table condiment. [5]
And at this point - most Xians will clap and say "See?"

BUT - never fear - there's the epilogue (which seems to
be missing from most recollections of this story)...

OK now Lot and two (still presumably virginal) daughters
are living in a cave, pending a career change. The two daughters
are quite upset that God's nuking has also taken away prospective
suitors. This isn't fun at all.

Daughter #1 however has an idea, she gets Dad drunk [6]
and proceeds to have him impregnate her [7]. After this works,
she then proudly tells the younger daughter [8] who does the same
thing.

MORAL #2: If God nukes your city [9] because there are too
many homosexuals in it, incest is an acceptable practice.

The story *actually* ends with the verse

"And thus were the offspring of Lot born".

Rape, incest, corruption of a minor, and bastard children...
THESE Are the Traditional Family Values the Bible talks about?

Me, I think I'm on safer ground with the queers...

BBC

[1] - This also shows that God's frst name is Charlie. Now that
*doesn't* imply that God is male, but *does* make the cologne
of the same name a sacrament.

[2] - This is probably the first of many failure of the Religious Right in
orientation conversion.

[3] - This is also "proof" from the Bible that lesbians do not exist, or
at least that Stealth Lesbianism is effective enough to fool most
Old Testament personae. Another less-held observation is that Lot
was savvy enough to notice that there was Stealth Lesbians in the crowd.

[4] - More seriously though, the phobes expect us to believe this,
but have NO PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER about the morals of the multiple raping
of women so as long as it saves the souls of homosexuals. Conclusion:
Rape is not as sinful as homosexuality.

[9] - Note that this is NOT the story of Noah! There *are* presuambly other
cities than the good 'ol S&G. Therefore this epilogue seves no purpose
if the story truly IS about morals, esp. sexual morals, unless you
want to make the claim that no one is innocent. That would
severely put a damper on the "hate the sinner" motif....