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Author
Topic: Yet another anniversary (Read 1095 times)

Yet another May Anniversary. Yesterday was my muted celebration of three years of being diagnosed.

I found out on the Friday before Bank Holiday at a one hour testing clinic in Victoria. I remember the staff member asking me after the result, "Are You OK?" as I was ushered out of the door, crying my eyes out. No I wasn't alright, you silly bitch. My life was over.

I walked down to the River at Westminster, wanting to talk to somebody, but too scared to call any of my friends. I just sat on a park bench for about an hour. I was meant to be going to the cinema with a friend, who I knew I could have infected. How was I going explain that one. I went to see the film, just looking blankly at the screen. It was "The Day After Tomorrow". I remember just thinking, kill the bastards and get the bloody film over. Not a movie I'll ever watch again.

It's been a bit of a rollercoaster these three years, depression, fear, thinking that I was damaged goods, turning into Miss Frigidity of South London three years in a row, shouting at friends that I was going to die, weeping and a wailing, heavy drinking etc, etc. The usual.

But after three years, the dust has settled more or less. I still have difficult days, but I am no longer petrified of what's in store. It's part of me and my life. It is no longer the only thing I think about from the moment I get up. I was so worried that I was losing my own sense of self, that the person I thought I am, was slowly ebbing away. I was never going to be happy again, that I was going to be that miserable cow that I was looking back at me in the bathroom mirror.

I do feel more optimistic for the future now. There are lots of things that I want to do and change, but if I procrastinate, I don't beat myself up about it, well at least try not to.

I was reading a letter my best friend sent to me when I told him. The gist of it was that everything was going to be OK and that he would always be there for me. When I first read it, I didn't believe it. I'm so glad that I was proved wrong.

I went to dinner with friends yesterday, I didn't tell anyone that it was my anniversary, it was a private thing. I do want to mark it though, because it was important to me. I just wanted to share it with some people who I think will understand.

I want to say congratulations, it sounds like its been a rollercoaster for you and but now you write like someone who is over the worst and able to look forward with a positive attitude.I just want to say thank you on a personal level because you were able to give me advice when i was 1st diagnosed back in August 2006, and that advice came form someone who was in a good place emotionally.

When you remember your anniversary i would like you to think of the difference you have made to others in that time, as I'm sure I'm not the only person you have helped.