Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Perhaps the greatest television moment of 2007 took place this past week at the expense of Miss Teen South Carolina. During the question and answer portion of the pageant Miss Teen South Carolina was asked a question about Americans not being able to locate their own country on a map. Perhaps she thought a stupid question deserved an even stupider answer. What followed was a moment rarely seen on national television, typically reserved for frat houses where drunken unintelligible ramblings are common. Referring to the United States as "U.S. America" and its citizens as "U.S. Americans," Iraq as "The Iraq," just throw in a few "such as's," "therefores," and "as is's" and you have created perhaps the greatest answer ever. Miss Teen South Carolina also says that most Americans don't have access to maps; well she better hope so, or U.S. Americans are going to drive to her state and mock her to the degree she deserves. Miss Teen South Carolina has set a world's first as being the only person for whom NBC has asked Ozzy Osbourne to interpret. Is public school funding in South Carolina so sparse that they have been forced to remove English classes from their curriculum? But hey on the upside at least she is pretty because that is her only chance for succeeding in life. In the end I would like to thank Miss Teen South Carolina for personifying the stereotypes: blondes really are dumb and girls who enter pageants are pretty and stupid. Thank you. You have single-handedly set back pageants contestants 20 years, which is exactly where they belong because what they do is a joke.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Dog The Bounty Hunter is the personification of all Chuck Norris's fictional characters. Watching Dog The Bounty Hunter is like watching a real life episode of Walker Texas Ranger. Similarities include, cowboy boots, dreamy hair, life changing talks with criminals, tight jeans and a sidekick that does all the dirty work. The question I pose is, Will Dog The Bounty Hunter one day pass Chuck Norris on the manliness scale? Is such a feat possible?

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Lately I have found myself obsessed with Ultimate Fighting or MMA. I can't turn the televison on without coming across it. UFC has become to Versus what "I love the 80's" and "8th Mile" are to Vh1, or what Sports Center is to ESPN. It's on all the freakin time and the worst part is I can't change the channel. It is like a really bad car wreck that you want to look away from but can't, therefore I end up watching it for hours. For me, Ultimate Fighting has become the new televised poker tournament: I get sucked in and hours later, I'm left wondering where my day has gone. Watching UFC is like going to a Prince concert: both are homoerotic to the max. One just has two scantily clad men beating the hell out of each other while rolling around on the floor while the other has one scantily clad man (sort of) writhing around on stage. I know it's trashy, but there is some primal man-trance I slip into when I watch Ultimate Fighting that speaks to my inner redneck.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Today while out to dinner with my wife I used the men's restroom. It was a nice men's room, 3 urinals and 2 toilets a typical setup. I stepped up to the urinal closest to the wall and felt I had made the right decision when a gentlemen came in restroom and used the urinal directly next to me. Why? Who would do such a thing? As most men know there is an unwritten code pertaining to Men's restrooms and for those of you who don't, listen up!1. No talking! No talking means no talking. There is to be no discussion in the men's room regardless, it doesn't matter if you reunite with a long lost friend or meet your idol. Don't talk in the Men's room, period.2. When selecting a urinal never select one directly next to another individual that using a urinal. If there are 2 people using a 3 urinal setup and the middle is open don't use it opt for a toilet, or if someone has setup shop in the middle urinal use a toilet. 3. When using a urinal stare down or straight ahead, no looking to the side it is wrong and will everyone to think you are a pervert. And if you happen to break this rule don't talk just realize your mistake and correct it. 4. Flush the toilet or urinal. No one cares to see how dehydrated you are or what you ate the previous day.

Here is a Link to help drive my points home, It is a game in which you learn the art of selecting the proper urinal in a busy bathroom. Urinal Game

Sunday, August 19, 2007

What has happened to America, two of the most awaited movie releases this summer were based on comic books, Toby McGuire was a superhero and sports fans nationwide have resorted to fantasy. Why? Fantasy is reserved for teenage boys that are "husky" and get picked last in PE for kickball, or grown men who will never be married and look like they should be having a conversation with Chris Hansen in a suburban Ohio kitchen on To Catch A Predator. Fantasy sports are just slightly above War Craft, Dungeons & Dragons and other Nerd Fantasy Games. With a name like fantasy football do participants receive bonus points when members of their team cast spells on other players or grow magical beards? When you sign up do you receive a magical wand in the mail (licensed by the NFL of course). Why do I constantly see commercials about fantasy sports on Television, what is going on? Is J K Rowling to blame? Did she lay the foundation to the perversion of the American jock by exposing the world to fantasy "but it is a cute book and it reads so fast." NERDS! Don't participate in fantasy sports or you will find yourself with a fantasy girlfriend raising your fantasy gigipet. Give me beer and Truck commercials on ESPN not fantasy be careful how you chose your commissioner commercials. Question does the fantasy commissioner receive a complementary "King of the nerds" t-shirt?

All you dog lovers out there I assume are in the same boat as myself, the USS Disgust with thousands of pounds of dog crap heading towards Michael Vick House (hopefully his cell soon) I am completely disgusted with Michael Vick for his participation in dog fighting and cruelty to animals. I was unaware he was Afghanistani where dog fighting is extremely popular, Idea if he wants to dog fight send him to the middle east we don't need him here anymore. I am amazed that he would treat dogs in such a manner because after watching his actions both on and off the field I thought he was a female dog, a B*** or at least he acts like one. Well, a wonderful person out there has come up with a Michael Vick Chew Toy (www.vickdogchewtoy.com) in which the proceeds go to help stop animal cruelty. I would get no greater satisfaction than watching my dog chew off good old number 7's head (if my dog were big and strong enough). Honestly words cannot even explain how disgusted I am with this guy. All I can say in between Mike Vick and Flavor Flav black people have been set back 50 years.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Here are a few things I feel strongly about.1. Movie Theatre Clappers. Why must you clap at the end of a movie? Who are you clapping for? The actors are not going to make a curtain call. Should we have the pimple faced 17 year old come out who ran the projector so you can clap for him? Or Can we dangle the actual film in front of the screen to accept your applause? New idea, don't clap! Instead tell your friends how much you like the movie so they will go see it also.2. Coffee Smell of 7 Eleven. I cannot go in that place without smelling like coffee for the entire day! I leave 7 Eleven every time with a complementary caffeine buzz via inhalation. 3. People who play their music loud while driving. I don't care to listen to Limp Bizkit, therefore I am not riding in your lifted 4x4 truck. Or did miss the official declaration making Mexican polka music cool? Man where have I been? What I love most is the rattling of your license plate drowning out your music caused by your excessive bass. 4. People Who Park Too Close to Your Car. Bottom line don't do it. If you park to close to my car, I will spit on your windshield every time!5. Popped Collars. Why are people out there still popping their collars? Just because the mannequins collars are popped at the Buckle and Hollister does not mean it is actually a good fashion decision. Just a warning if you pop your collar you will be mocked and people may mistake your for a douchebag just look at these guys.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

As a fan of the crew on Miami Ink, I was very excited to see Kat Von D's show LA Ink. After watching the first two episodes I am ready to give up on the show all together. The show follows the extremely talented tattoo artist Kat Von D after her departure (firing) from Miami Ink as she goes about starting her own shop and recruiting artist to work with her. Here are the reasons why I feel this show stinks!1. Every episode Kat Von D feels the need to tattoo a celebrity, this is too LA for me. If we want to see B-List jackasses doing things they will one day regret we can watch movies of Lindsey Lohan snorting coke off the bathroom floor of clubs in Hollywood on TMZ.com I don't need to see a drunken Steve-O talk about getting a tattoo for 20 mins and 2 mins of the actual tattoo.2. I don't feel sorry for you, the first episode opened up with a montage explaining her situation and made it sound as though she chose to move back to LA and open up a shop, when in truth she is a pre-madona that caused drama at her last shop. Its no surprise that her shop is not ready.3. I don't care how much fun its going to be to work with the artist you will have in your estrogen packed shop. If I want sappy women having fun I'll read a Marry Higgins Clark book or watch Sex In The City. You are a tattoo artist in pretty much every language means Bad Ass not fun time with the girls.4. The intro to the show sucks, plain and simple. Dancing with yourself? really? Perhaps that's what you will do when your series is canceled.5. Kat Von D is indecisive, she can't stand up to anyone and plays the victim role, I thought this was a reality show no actors involved.6. Fewer interviews, there is no need to have 10 minute soliloquies about your life and struggles you are going through!My adive is shut up and tattoo that is what makes good TV!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I submit that if it were not for The Quiksliver subsidiary ROXY that girls from the states of California, Utah, Idaho and Texas would not know how to accessorize their vehicles. If I had a quarter for every girl I have seen from one from of the afore listed states driving a car with ROXY sticker on the rear window I would have enough money to buy an endless supply of $20 dollar puka shell necklaces from Hollister. Do Girls think it is a rite of passage? "Once I get my ROXY sticker I'll become a hot surfer girl," wrong! And does a ROXY sticker paired with a lei hanging from the rearview mirror equal hotness time two? NO! Where has this idealogy come from? I never saw Gidget driving her woody around with a ROXY sticker slapped on the back of it or perhaps these stickers are laced with a magical potion I call self esteem. Bottom line say NO TO ROXY STICKERS! Any single men out there, boycott girls with ROXY stickers on their cars.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

So one year ago I had an accident with a little body part I like to call my spine. I went on the most expensive wake boarding trip in my life, 1 year and about $3000 dollars later my back it still giving me problems. It all started having to one up a friend, well as it turns out I won because he didn't herniate any thing in his back. Surgery came in Feb and then it felt great until 1 month ago, when my leg and foot started going numb. This resulted in my 3rd MRI in a year, and lo and behold the nerve root is inflamed. So its off to physical therapy and another back injection. Now its limbo time waiting the steriods to kick in and relieve the pressure on the nerve and the pain to go away. I think Ill start lifting weights as I am all jacked up on the clear, all this balco in my system, I hope my head doesn't grow to 6 times its normal size. Since Select Med and the Doctors have done their part I feel it is my part. So in the words of J.T. I am gonna bring sexy back! Thats right tomorrow I am starting a full court press on my health and its on, I can hear the weight crying as it knows it will loose its home soon!

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Friday marked a dark day for American cycling fans. It was announced that the current Team Discovery cycling team was unable to find a sponsor and will be disbanding. 8 Tour titles in 9 year and no one will step up as a sponsor? Come on Google is 15 million to much to ask being that you have 18 billion dollars lying around, or Where is Steve Jobs? My answer is these men are communist....

What is happening in sports these days? Barry Bonds who just broke the most coveted record in American history uses steroids, Two teams and the race leader of the Tour de France were kicked out of the race for failing drug tests and cheating. And the worst part is t these cowards don’t have the stones to admit they cheated, I think very little of Jose Conseco but at least he can admit and be a man about cheating. Intregrity has been removed from the sporting world and replaced by greed. I feel betrayed as a fan, especially a fan of cycling. When Alexander Vinokoruv crashed the first week of the Tour De France everyone thought he was done, he lost tons of time and gained over 60 stitches. Then when he won a time trial everyone thought it was amazing, later that week he won a mountain stage where he went on a solo breakaway. Two days later he tested positive for blood doping. Its betrayal to the fans, look at the men as super-human figures that have the ability to bounce back. We want to see amazing comebacks and believe a man with 60 stitches in his knees and arms can drop and pack of world-class competitors, or a man in his late 30’s can hit 756 homeruns. When they cheat it cheapens sports and crushes fans such as myself. It is much like finding out Santa is not real, but a cheater.

To quote the wise Gilbert Arenas, There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack. I know you’re making a weird face as you’re reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.

We’re humans. We live on land.

Sharks live in water.

So if you’re swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that’s called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack. A shark attack is if you’re chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that’s a shark attack. Now, if you’re chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.

When I see on the news where it’s like, “There have been 10 shark attacks,” I’m like, “Hey, for real?! They’re just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we don’t live underwater.”

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

I understand the benefits of technology but must they be applied to all facets of life? By this I mean wedding websites.........Wow has the traditional invite become outdated? Did I miss the memo? Was it given via secret sign by Jennifer Lopez in the Wedding Planner? Seriously, wedding sites make me sick. I do not need to see all of the pictures you pulled off of your myspace account, the world does not care that you ate Chinese on your 8 month anniversary. But the kicker are the captions, written in the first person and chalked full of inside jokes. I have an Idea, typically an engagement is a time for the couple to grow together and prepare for marriage. Honestly nerds spend your time reorganizing your Lord of the Rings figurines not creating one of the most regrettable websites in history. What is wrong with people. Send out an invite not an email.