This weekend, Nikolaj, Milo and I went to Copenhagen. Despite of the fact that Milo only got one hour of sleep in the car on our way there, and despite of the fact that he did not get lunch until we returned to the car four hours later, he was so happy and sweet. He just sat there, in his stroller, and looked at the surroundings, smiling, comfortable, safe and happy. We had to go directly to a birthday party and on our way there, he pooped in his diaper. When we got there and were going to say hello to the guests, I had to say something like: "hi, yes, sorry, Milo has pooped" and then go in another room, away from the food. It had of course gotten all over all of his clothes, and I had of course forgotten a clean set of clothes, so he wore leggings and a knit cardigan with only his diaper under. Nice work, mum, haha.

We have had problems getting Milo to sleep through the night, and therefore I have (unfortunately) been Googling a lot to find answers or solutions. And each time I wind up on the same homepages, with the same advice, at least it feels that way. Every place tells you that it is important with a strict schedule for baby, same sleeping and food schedules every day, that you should only breastfeed baby three times a day now (counting nights too), baby should be sleeping through the entire night now in his own bed, you should not let him fall asleep while breastfeeding, etc. And the more I read on them, the more guilty I feel. And I feel like I am doing everything wrong.

Sometimes, I also compare myself to other mothers. The other day, Milo and I were going to visit my mum, and I brought him in his little stroller, because it does not weigh much and is easy to bring down the stairs from our apartment. He had a duvet over and a little parka jacket on. It was not a cold day, but it was not warm either, because it was windy. Milo's temperature was fine throughout the walk there. But just as I came to an intersection, waiting for the lights to turn green, an older man said something to me that I did not fully catch. But it ended with "wrapped him up". Next to me in the intersection stood another mum on the sidewalk, she had a nice, new pram with her, which covered her baby from wind, sun, etc., and suddenly I worried that the man had said something to me because he did not think Milo was wrapped enough and I felt lie an amateur mum.

The way I do things are often a little different than other mums I have met. And I know I am not a perfect mum. I often feel guilty that Milo still can not sleep in his own bed at night, I breastfeed him until he sleeps every evening, because he needs me so much at night and my heart just can not bare the way he cries when I put him down in his bed. I can not get him to sleep in his pram, so he takes his naps in his little stroller every day with a bonnet on and the window open. He often sleeps in my arms too, if he has a day where he is a little more fuzzy. I breastfeed hum whenever he wants it, and if he cries in the car, I let him watch Peppa Pig on my phone.

I think that ALL mothers know about that horrible guilt and bad conscience, either over things that just do not work, like sleep, or because of things they do very differently from other mothers, but also little episodes in which we wish we had done something differently: either with more patience, or more calm. I talked to my own mum about this the other day. My sweet, loving, caring, understanding, patient mum. She told me that the guilt I am experiencing now, especially over the little things, will always be there. That she herself had so many things she wishes she had done differently. And that somehow made me really calm and relieved. Because if my mum, who happens to be the best mum in the world, has had just as many things that she feels like she has done wrong as I do, then maybe Milo will still think I am the best mum in the world, even though I make mistakes and maybe do some things very differently. One of my followers on Instagram also wrote something about this when I posted a photo where I described how I am feeling "Mum Guilt": Her son is a grown up now, and has told her that the only thing he remembers and saw is love. All the little things are not as important to children, love is what matters.

I have been thinking about these things for a while now, and I think a lot of mums do. Generally, I know that many women struggle with wanting everything to be perfect, and if something is not, they blame themselves. And I think those feelings get worse when you become a mum. But it is just SO important to remember to take care of yourself too. To do what you feel is right for you, to listen to your heart and trust your intuition. Trust that you know what is best for your baby. Because you do. When it comes to me, I really have to get better at telling myself that I AM a good mum. Milo is so happy and safe, he is always smiling, he is thriving and developing. He has a good family and I can only do my best and hope that he remembers the love, care and safety when he grows up. And if anything goes wrong I can always tell myself that he definitely has the world's greatest dad.