London - (Sordid Tories' Ass Mess): "We found her puking her guts out and writhing in excruciating agony on the throne room floor," a Palace flunkey told reporters following the news that the Queen had had a severe reaction to Prince Charles' official opening of the Margaret Thatcher Infirmary at the Royal Hospital Chelsea on Lady Day.

Agonising moments of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation only saw Old Fatty Mountbatten reel in horror that 'some common lowlife' had had the temerity to press the royal lips with his own sordid working class mouthpiece.

"It was to be expected really," surgeon general Prof V Smart told an advance cremation party that had hurried to Buck House after hearing the news.

"All the Nostradamus prophecy bashers had told her the projected March 28 2009 date of her RIP were pie in the sky and that she was doomed to kick the bucket on the 25th, the feast of the Denunciation."