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It’s Saturday, November 28th. One day after the day after the worlds most intense Annual Pilgrim Party. And it is only now that I am at a point in my life that I can explain, in big man words, the chaotic events that took place nearly two full days ago…

I awoke Thursday morning, and prepared myself for what I thought was going to be a long day of binge eating and generalized thankful slothiness, only to find a switchblade stabbed into the hood of my car…and a note that read:
“2009 will be The Year of the Apache!”

That’s right. It’s happened. After years of struggle. After endless war. Armando “Apache” Putay has resurfaced. He stopped by a little while later to apologize about the switchblade thing, and offered to fix my hood, but something spooked him and he was gone, like the wind rider that he is. Although he was before me only for an instant, his burning eyes told me everything. Where he’d been. Where he’s going. How long he plans to stay there. Whether or not he got great deals on hotel lodging through Priceline.com.
It seems Shatner and Putay walk with the buffalo.

For years, many of you have asked, “where can I get more Makeup And Vanity Set?…I love his 8Bit record, but I yearn for more.” And for those same years, we’ve held no answers for you. Hark(yes, I just said “Hark”)! Those years are the years of the past. This year is the year of the FUTURE…or the present. But we’re moving into the FUTURE. And very soon, you will be able to get your computerized hands on your very own computerized copies of “Aesthetically Speaking,” and “Charles Park.” “How soon,” you ask? By the time you get through reading this paragraph…that’s “how soon.” Now, you ask, “just when will I be done reading this paragraph?” and I say to you…”as soon as you stop asking questions like the one you just asked.” And then I say, “If you just let me finish, I can get on with the telling you how to get to his illustrious jams.” And you say, “sorry.” And I say, “it’s ok, but you need to grow up and stop being a terrible burden on your poor mother.” And then you say, in a sassy but perturbed tone, “Bitch, You don’t know my life!.” To which I respond, “you’re right, I was completely out of line with suggesting that I had a working knowledge of you and your mother’s relationship…I’m sorry.” To make it up to you, I’ve decided to give you access to Makeup And Vanity Set’s music…On iTunes. Go Here:
–Charles Park

As for the “Father Of Death” 7″….
There are quite a few things to tell you on that front. And because there are so many things to tell you, I’ve decided to put it into bullet point Q&A, for convenience and style:

•1•
QUESTION: “My record says to play it at 45RPMs, but when I do that, it sounds like the Chipmunks Christmas record.”
ANSWER: “That is because there were suggestions by some of the head execs at SoundMachine Records that we would sell better if we sounded more like the Chipmunks.”
SOLUTION: Play the record at 33RPMs for now…and play it at 45RPMs on Christmas Day.

•2•
Q: “How many records were pressed?”
A: “More than we ever anticipated. The initial number was to be 500, but several malfunctions at the plant caused that number to nearly double. 450 of them say to play the record at 45RPMs, and the correct 500 say to play the record at 33-1/3RPM. The corrected label records came in, and are ready to ship. This means that if you haven’t ordered your copy by now, you should thank the record pressing plant for the extras, because we would be sold out by now.
S: Buy more records.

•3•
Q: “But seriously, I have this rash, and I was wondering…”
A: “Seriously, No.”
S: Topical Cream. Buy it. Use it. Leave us alone about your rashes.

•4•
Q: “Am I supposed to get a Download Code with my record? I pre-ordered my copy of Father Of Death, and it came in, but i couldn’t find my Digital Download Code. Woe is me..”
A: “Yes, you should have gotten a code. An email with your code was sent out by Theory 8 Records around November 8th. The codes were emailed the day of the release show, so you wouldn’t have to wait. This means your package wouldn’t contain the download slip.”
S: Check your email history and/or junk mail folders. If that fails…send our people an email.

I’m sure there are other things that I should be telling you right now, but I can’t think of anything else. Maybe later.