The Girl I Meet on the Yoga Mat

June 16, 2015

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By Janna Marlies Maron

Plank pose. I hold myself up with arms and feet. Blood pulsing through my biceps and I feel strong. Pull belly in and I feel healthy. Holding in plank pose I breathe in; I breathe out. I remember how hard it used to be for me to hold this pose. Just 15 seconds and I started to shake. I could not hold it the entire time and had to lower knees down for support. Today I do not shake. I hold until the teacher instructs us to release.

I pull hips up and back into downward facing dog and stretch heels down to the mat. Hands press the mat away; spine stretches. Again I recall what it was like when I first started practicing yoga. In downward dog, knees bent and heels up. Holding that position and I lost my breath.

I move through the poses and watch myself as if I am not me but another student in the class. I watch and remember what she was like when she first started to practice yoga. Not even when she first started, but when she was the most depressed after her diagnosis nearly three years ago. She felt weak and unhealthy. She spent half the class or more resting in child’s pose. She wondered why she was even there.

She could do one vinyasa flow: downward dog, step forward, half-way lift, fold, reach up, fold, step back to plank, high-to-low pushup, cobra, back to downward dog. Then she had to take rest. One flow and she was out of breath. Besides that she thought she would never be able to do up-dog–every flow from high to low pushup she had to go all the way to the floor. Then she lifted her chest, leaving the lower half of her body on the floor thinking there is no way she’ll ever lift her hips and knees off the ground in this pose.

Even in that one flow, the high-to-low push up got her every time. She felt almost as though she’d collapse to the ground from plank. And sometimes she would stay there for a breath or two before pushing up and back to downward dog. She felt as though her arms had no strength.

As soon as she reached downward dog, she dropped her knees and lowered her forehead down to the mat. There she stayed through the next flow. And sometimes the flow after that. There she stayed with her forehead on the mat, bowing down and asking for strength and health and healing. She wondered if she would ever feel strong again. She wondered if this weakness is what the rest of her life would be like. Always tired. Always out of breath. Always needing rest.

I meet that girl every time I go to yoga. She is there, waiting for me, reminding me what I have been through. Reminding me where I have come from. Reminding me that in the midst of feeling completely debilitated, she somehow still found her divine power. She harnessed that power into the affirmations “I choose strength” and “I choose health” even when she didn’t feel strong or healthy. She reminds me that if I don’t maintain the mantras and the affirmations; if I don’t continue the yoga; if I don’t keep it up, I will be like her again.

I hold myself up in plank pose and I don’t shake, but I remember that I used to shake and I remember what it felt like and I remember wanting to give up. I hold downward dog and I remember wondering if I’d ever be able to stretch my heels to the mat.

And then I show that girl. I show her how long I can hold plank and side plank. I show her how my heels reach the mat in downward dog. I show her how I can do more than one flow without resting; I can do almost the entire class without resting, and I don’t loose my breath. I show her how strong I am. I show her how healthy I am. I show her that it’s a good thing she didn’t give up when she wanted to. I show her that she is stronger than she thought she was. I show her that health is a choice, and that she is healthier than she thought she was. I show her that her hard work has brought the results she wanted. I show her that her mantras and affirmations work. I show her that choosing health means taking care of herself, like I have, like we have.

And I will show her all those things again tomorrow, when I meet her on the yoga mat.

Janna Marlies Maron is an independent author, editor, and publisher, who was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in June 2012. In the last three years she has been on a journey of healing through natural and alternative treatments, including regular yoga practice. She holds an MA in creative writing and is the publisher of Under the Gum Tree, a literary magazine publishing creative nonfiction and visual art. Her ebook, How to Manage Depression Without Drugs, was released in April 2014. Janna is also an adjunct professor of English at Sacramento City College and William Jessup University. She co-directs TrueStory, a nonfiction reading series and open mic in Sacramento, where she lives with her husband. Read more of her story of treating depression and MS without drugs at jannamarlies.com.

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Jen Pastiloff is the founder of The Manifest-Station. Join her in Tuscany for her annual Manifestation Retreat. Click the Tuscan hills above. No yoga experience required. Only requirement: Just be a human being. Yoga + Writing + Connection. We go deep. Bring an open heart and a sense of humor- that’s it! Summer or Fall 2015. It is LIFE CHANGING!

*featured image of Lara Heimann and her daughter Olivia by Joe Longo. Lara is the co-creator of Girl Power: You Are Enough.

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The Manifest-Station was created by Jennifer Pastiloff. Angela Patel is editor and full-time badass. These two beauty-hunters curate content that will move you, make you think, and remind you what it means to be human. Jen leads her workshops (The Manifestation Workshop: On Being Human) all over the world & online. Check the tab at the top under retreats/workshops. Jen is also the founder of "Girl Power: You Are Enough," to remind young women that yes, they do have a place in this world and they are enough. No matter what. Jen is represented by Adriann Ranta at Foundry Media. For queries please contact aranta@foundrymedia.com. And remember: Don't Be An Asshole. To contribute to our scholarship fund to help send a woman to a workshop/retreat please donate here:

Janna, Thanks for writing this essay. It made my day. Stay strong and best wishes to you.
My friend, Bill Horger, is riding the MS Bike 150 mile ride in a week to raise money. I will give him your name and he can ride for you along with riding for my daughter and others I know with MS.

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About Jen Pastiloff

People Magazine says: Jennifer is changing women's lives through her empowerment workshops.
Cheryl Strayed says: Jennifer Pastiloff is a conduit of awakenings.
Lidia Yuknavitch says: Dear Jen, From you I have learned to alchemize fear with love, to redistribute love through compassion, to enter a room with others.
Jen leads her signature Manifestation Workshop: On Being Human all over the world & online. Her memoir will be published by Dutton Books in 2019. Preorders available now at JenniferPastiloff.com
Her workshops are a unique blend of writing and some yoga. She has developed a massive following based on her writing & workshops.
A London workshop attendee says, "A space to show up and be human. A fusion of yoga and singing and writing and sharing, with laughter and tears mixed in! To be held and encouraged so beautifully by Jen, who won't flinch....but stay connected to us all through the journey. She creates a strong container, sits on the edges of our yoga mats listening to the stories that weave us together as human beings. She gives us the gift of attention, space and time.
It's a space for connecting, for intimacy...you leave in a different place from where you arrive...It's a chance to show up, to own our fears and our dreams, our deep yearnings and the things we'd love to manifest in our lives. A chance to be wholeheartedly present and come back home a little more to ourselves."
Jen also leads retreats with Emily Rapp & Lidia Yuknavitch. She is also the guest speaker at Canyon Ranch three times a year. All info is at the top under Retreats/Workshops.Donate below to our scholarship fund to help send someone to a workshop/retreat who can't afford to attend.

About Angela M Giles

Angela M Giles is an editor and fellow badass at The Manifest-Station. Angela prides herself on being exactly who she is: An accidental warrior working to make grace and kindness sexy again. In her day job as a senior executive at an investment firm, she navigates the patriarchy, the glass ceiling, and government regulations with surprising ease and unapologetic language. By night she reads and writes and listens to music and occasionally sleeps. Her full-time passion is her son, who is proof that her heart exists outside her body.
She has had her work appear online at The Nervous Breakdown, Literary Mothers, Medium: Human Parts as well as other journals. She has been featured in print at The Healing Muse and is a contributor to Shades of Blue, an anthology on depression and suicide from Seal Press. Angela tweets and is on Instagram as @angela.m.giles, and when inspired updates her blog, Air Hunger (http://airhunger.net). Angela lives in Massachusetts where she conquers the world, one day at a time.

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