Monday, 4 December 2017

Gone In A Flash

(Firstly, when I was typing the title for this blog post, I missed the 'f' off flash so it could have been an entirely different type of blog post)

Today, I was slumped on the sofa in the kind of post-apocalyptic slump I retain for periods and The End Of The World. Ember was sat across from me, bored out of her mind because I had refused to take her to playgroup for fear of drowning everyone in my menstrual blood (let me know if there is too much period in this blog post, ok?). Elevated on the sofa by my princess and the pea-sized bed of sanitary protection (the ceiling-high pile of mattresses, not the teeny tiny pea, obvs), I kept a lazy eye on her while she entertained herself.

She stomped over to the fireplace and threw herself down upon it with anger. We have an embarrassingly large collection of Christmas books currently leant to each side, she grabbed one and started thumbing through it. "Da da da da," she muttered loudly to herself, staring intently at the cheerful drawings of the dead-eyed snowman in the story.

I looked at her and thought about how I didn't remember her sister ever doing this. And then it hit me, she probably had, I'd just forgotten. She probably shared many of her younger sister's quirks only they have been forgotten now thanks to the passing of time. I remember some, those caught on video, mostly, the ones I have actual proof of. The rest have faded into nothingness over time, mere blips in the timeline of my life, small, inconsequential, forgotten.

And then I realised that this would happen with Ember, too. These things that seem huge now, as I'm sure they once did with her sister, they will be forgotten. Throw away memories discarded as tomorrows' chip wrappers.

And then, in no time at all, she will be five. Almost six. Long-limbed, articulate, funny. No hint of the toddler I once held close, the baby who snuggled into me, the three-year-old who loved me more than anything. She will grow, change, blossom, and this little girl, these memories, the chubby toddler hands, the mullet of frizzy blonde hair, the gappy teeth, they will be gone. Replaced by someone bigger, older, wiser. Someone I can't ever believe was so little.