the Hill Within

Back from Nepal (Part2)

Picture by Sian O’Gorman

every night I dream of the hill. every night, I go back there and relive a piece of this incredible experience.

the people who come up there arrive with focus and intentions. we have all been working on them for a long time, actually since we have decided to come. last year allowed me to leave the weight of the past behind me. this year was much more prospective. I had 3 main questions “who am I?” “From which (inner) place do I create?” “Where is the woman in me?”

Pic Sian O’Gorman

I am not a tortured person. I love life! but by doing what I do, coming from where I come from, and being who I am (at least for what I know), I find it healthy to ask myself these questions. or should I say, I do not know how to do otherwise than to ask them regularly. especially concerning my intentions: “why do I do this? to please? to show what I know? because it is useful? because I can? because I love? should there be a reason?” sometimes there is nothing to do, no question to ask: I’m like standing on the head of a dragon and whether it is stopped or in flight, I trust his “flow” .

sometimes, on the contrary, I derive. I decenter myself. my fears, my programmings, and of course my ego, fuck everything up (I’ll tell you about our inner-saboteurs soon). there are several “me-s” who debate, who fight. the more I go forward and the more I recognize them, which allows me to override quicker and quicker : “pffff you again, thank you for the info, see ya!”

so beyond the experiences we’ve lived there, I especially found an answer in the humans who surrounded me. the most beautiful of the answers.

Pic Sian O’Gorman

Actually, there were 3 :

the first with our Sage (let us call him like that): I come to see him:

“I feel arrogant, asking too much, not being at my place if I do that.

– whose voices are these?

– I guess it’s xxx

– you see, they are not from you:

they are only thoughts. give them … nothing. nothing. that’s it and off you go! ”

I suddenly felt so relaxed!

Photo Sian O’Gorman

the second came to me in this third night alone in Vision Quest; for those who arrive, we are in isolation for 4 days and 4 nights, with just water, a sleeping bag and tent tarpaulin to protect us from the rain, or even like this year… of hail!

Hunger and loneliness make you live funny moments. for 2 days and 3 nights, my brain kept producing obsessive imaginary thoughts and dialogues. it was unbearable. when in the third night, when I slept so little, I had this dream … “do not forget the beauty”. then, X’s face appeared to me, then Y, then, Z, then the whole circle. both my limitations and the great chance to see my existence expanded by these people appeared to me.

Picture by Sian O’Gorman

for example, when we arrived on the hill, X built a shelter for us by climbing in the trees and asking us to bring him long trunks of bamboos. in 2 hours we built the most beautiful shelter in the world. for 33 people. imagine? Y has an incredible eloquence, he knows old ancestral tales which are transmitted in an almost broken oral tradition, he knows the souls of men and spirits, Z knows the medicine of lianas, the intense softness and the power of the plants, another person is endowed with a voice that one might think comes out of a dream, etc., etc., etc., I do not know anything about these things. this is not me. but I felt an infinite gratitude for seeing my life expanded, even go up to heaven through “them” and our connection.

what they taught me is not to become like them, I will never climb trees and build giant yurts, speak like in mesmerizing books, sing like an angel, no! what they’re have taught me is that they are one with their gift, that their beauty is both themselves and the extension they bring to others. that the place from which they give to others, is not a place of ego, of expertise, not in a desire to show that, not in a need to prove that, no they extend my existence just by being … themselves, in all their radiant humanity, in their healthy power, with all their history but without more effort. without justification either. with all the love they are, have and make.

Picture by Sian O’Gorman

there are slogans that we wear on T-Shirts, “be who you are”, “love yourself” “give your gift to the world” etc and I’m not against, but only certain experiences you make touch and understand these wonderful truths.

Picture by Sian O’Gorman

I thought of Mem and the jewels of our hearts, which we must discover, I thought of “owning your own shadow” where Robert A. Johnson tells that it is much harder for anyone to recognize his inner genius than the skeletons to come out of the closet. and then, I suddenly understood : it is as easy for me to see beauty in others, as difficult to recognize mine. I suddenly… saw my beauty! I have poetry, joy, an ability to communicate, to transmit. so that’s the answer to my question “who am I and from where do I create?” Well here it is: I am me like a place from where “it” flows. me as being my own hill … a place from where love is abundant and “healthy”, things die and create naturally. I am not looking for anything anymore. I’m here. and that’s all.

Photo Sian O’Gorman

when we went back home, I had a 3rd answer. and of course it was from Jerry. I was watching my man and all these other 32 people, who has grown so much, who are so radiant, thanks to the experience he has imagined and implemented. all these people who repeated again and again how it is impossible for them to describe what they had just experienced. I tell him :

“You must be so proud!

– No, I do not really feel proud. I actually feel … gratitude. ”

Yes, on this inner hill, alone with yourself, there is gratitude too, just to be who you were meant to be. I hope these words can accompany you on your way to your own hill.