Disclaimer: The great, almighty and powerful Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc. own the universe and characters. I'm just playing with them.

Author's Note: Thanks to srichard for her amazing beta skill and not killing me for my sometimes bad writting skills. Total kudos for damiarvn whose idea it was for me to write this and helping me write it. You both totally rock!

Copyright (c) December 2006

1st - The Joke

Mal shut off the shower, grabbed his towel from the hook and swiftly began to dry himself off. It was warm enough on Serenity with clothes, but when one was wet and naked it was down right chilling.

Stepping out of the shower into the small changing area, he looked for his clothes that he'd left on the small bench. All he saw there was a purple dress.

"Gorrammit, Jayne," Mal grumbled as he picked the dress up. It was his own damn fault for pulling that practical joke on Jayne the other day and apparently this was Jayne's payback.

I don't mind walking naked in front of people, but given the choice of a dress and being bare-assed naked when it's this cold and everyone's in bed, I'll take the dress. Mal thought as he slid the dress over his head.

Mal glanced down to see that the neckline on this dress plunged down damn near to his belly button and the hem came to just above his knees. Sighing, he gathered up his shower kit and towel and stepped into the common room to be confronted with the entire crew waiting for his entrance. They all burst into laughter when they saw Mal.

Kaylee was holding a capture in her hands and Mal knew then he would never live this down.

"Ha, ha. Ain't ya got work to be doing?" Mal demanded in his firmest Captainy voice.

"Ah Captain, we didn't wanna miss out on the fun," Kaylee giggled as she struggled to keep Mal firmly in the capture's frame.

"Well, get back to work. Nothin' to see here," Mal said as he attempted to stride quickly out of the room, but the narrow lines of the skirt hindered his progress and all he could manage was a shuffle without ripping it.

"I think the captain looks better in my dress than I do." River's voice floated up the stairs to follow him, along with the crew's laughter.

2nd - The Revenge

He was sure this was gonna be a milk run, so he'd given the rest of the crew leave to visit town and he'd had River fly him over in the shuttle so he could drop off the goods and get their pay.

When he got to the drop, ten mercs jumped him. Some time later he came to naked, alone and tied to a chair in a barn. Mal was sure he had the worst luck in the 'verse when his "wife" Yo-Saf-Bridge walked in. She'd set the entire job up to trap him. If he had an luck it all, it was obviously the unlucky kind. Apparently she was holding a grudge over the entire 'being left in the trash' incident.

She spent a good thirty minutes interogating him in an attempt to get the current whereabouts of the Lassiter, which he naturally refused to tell her.

River had finally shown up, beat the shit out of Saffron and then released him.

He'd grabbed the money off of Saffron and was about to walk out the door when River's hand stayed him.

"Going to walk through town naked, Captain?"

"Aiya! Now what am I going to do?"

Now Mal was sure he was cursed. Here he was walking through the center of town, on what had to be the busiest day of the year, in River's red and white paisley dress. River was still dressed in her pink sweater and dance pants, so he knew that the catcalls and whistles that were being called out were all for him as he strode as confidently as possible to the shuttle with River giggling in his wake.

In a local mercantile, Kaylee had just turned take a closer look at the dress in the window, when a commotion outside drew her attention. Looking closer, she gaped before asking, "Inara, ain't that the Captain?"

3rd - The Laundry

Mal tore out of the kitchen, stumbling down the steps to the common area, unsettling images haunting him. He was so focused on blocking the visions that he never saw Simon entering the room. Neither did he see the black cloud of rage settle across the doctor's features.

"Captain?" Simon demanded.

"What?" a very distracted Mal sniped back, whirling to face the younger man.

Simon strode up to Mal and reached past him and plucked something from the button on the back of his pants. Holding up a pair of red silk panties for Mal's inspection, he arched an eyebrow as he asked, "Why are my sisters panties stuck in your pants?"

Mal's mouth fell open and he felt a flush creep up his face as his normally tight pants became even tighter when the image of River clad only in those skimpy red undies filled his vision.

"I..uh..."

4th - Drunken mistake

"Captain," Zoe's voice came over the come in Mal's bunk. "I need you on the bridge."

Mal swung himself upright on the edge of his bed, his head still reeling with the effects of Kaylee's engine fermented wine.

In the dim light of his room, he reached around on the floor for his shirt, pants and boots. Sliding them on, he made his way carefully up the ladder and onto the bridge.

Hearing him enter, Zoe turned around in the pilot's seat to address him but then choked on the words.

"Is there something I should know Sir?"

"What?" Mal wasn't at the top of his game, his mind still buzzed with alcohol.

"Didn't realize you'd developed a fetish for wearing River's clothes." Zoe smirked as stared pointedly at his legs.

Mal glanced down to discover he was wearing one of River's skirts. His eyes widened and his already-gray tinged face grew paler. That had apparently not been a dream.