24Feb2010 1800: Perpetual Annexation

Borderlands is at it again, with the
surprise revelation that their latest expansion was not coming at some nebulous juncture
of "later" and "the PC version is delayed". Nay, that content is dropping tomorrow,
the seers at Gearbox determined to prevent my game group from ever playing another game
ever. It's like they pointed their crystal balls at our outing last night, saw we
spent ten minutes firing various guns at a wall and verbally shrugging to each other, and
decided to open the bomb bay doors.

Borderlands isn't what one would call a deep game, but for a group that
meets once a week to shoot shit it has more than filled our metaphorical cups since October.
We are discovering new content even now; "do you want to see a hole in the world," one
of us will say. "We found a route with seven chests and a spot where the ants never end,"
says another. And even now, months into our play, we are shocked at the existence of Arenas.
For some reason we had never thought to even look at these small deathmatch maps. They're all
behind doors in the game world, doors marked with large neon signs even, but as they are
separate from the normal quest lines we just never bothered. Mistake! Free for
all, pitting each class against another? Team deathmatch, splitting up the people who can
turn invisible? Everybody gang up on the guy who can shoot through shields? This is at
least another two weeks of play, after we finish up with General Knoxx.

Consider that we all bought a digital copy of Left 4 Dead 2 back at
that game's release, pre-order even, and they might as well still be in the digital
shrink-wrap.

[Killamu - Melodia de Semba] invokes the magnificent
Demolition Man on its album art, but
the music is some sort of Eurobeat-"world music" hybrid that offended every part of me.
If you wanted to film a nightclub scene in South Africa, this is what you would dub in.

You can guess what [Josh Thompson - Beer on the Table] is like, even
before the video shoves heavy construction equipment and twangy guitar in your face. He
sings all about the things he likes to buy with his weekly paycheck, including beer, but
doesn't mention a savings account once. This is the problem, people.

[Dommin - My Heart, Your Hands] is like getting Twilighted in the face
with a claw hammer. Or like spilling hot coffee in your ears at a Hot Topic.
The band goes for a combination of Tears for Fears and Stain'd, and
there is no joy in the execution of it. "Hilariously overwrought", those are the words I
was looking for.

As a soul-crushing addendum to my open letter below:

Clicking a button that turns itself into a number smashes the stack.

You cannot compile "Me = 1350", as Me is a protected interface.

You cannot assign a number to a form other than Me, either. This generates a compile
error. Why are Forms so special? It's almost as if VB6 is checking their types somehow.

19Feb2010 1830: Implicit Conversions

An open letter to Visual Basic 6:

I know you're not a strongly typed language. I've come to
terms with that fact. It assists with the versioning of our code at work, when
one year's assembly (don't ask) can be replaced with another, and all the
previously typed references changed to Object. I understand that.

But you, VB6, you do have type checking. You complain
when parameters don't match what I'm passing; you complain when I try to
put Objects into Strings. You have this wonderful facility at your fingertips
but you don't know how to use it. You know when I'm doing something wrong; if
only you could tell me. Talk to me, VB6.

For a totally made up example, why would you allow a
programmer to assign an integer to a UI button? Why, when you know that I've
created a Button, that it is of type Button, that it displays in the designer as
a button, why would you then allow the following to compile?

Me.btnButton = 1350

That doesn't make sense, VB6. I'm trying to help us get
through us, but you have to meet me halfway. It's a typo; it's a cut and paste
error; it doesn't matter, you just need to realize that buttons aren't equivalent
to fucking numbers. Okay? Very simple concept. Throw a compile
error. Throw a runtime error if you really must. Just...just...

The big gimmick for this one is that the staple
helper-fairy is replaced with the disembodied spirit of Zelda herself, which is
awesome for both Zelda in-jokes and the fact that she can start possessing
the bodies of enemies. They also cut down the number of dungeon items to
six, which all interact wonderfully together, and the puzzles are better for it.
There were actually a couple
parts in this game where I was stumped, which hasn't happened in a Zelda
game since The Adventure of Link. It's definitely not the usual "arrow in eyeball"
crap that's been propping up the series for so long. The central dungeon takes those
puzzles and then adds in the team moves with possessed badguys, carrying right
through to the very last boss.

And what a
boss! Ocarina capped its gameplay perfectly by showing Link spear Ganon
through the forehead with the Master Sword. That is actually improved upon
in this game: when you stab the final Ganon-like boss in the head,
the game makes you scratch like hell to force the sword deeper in. And
you have to maintain this until Zelda runs up and helps you shove it deeper.
Illustrated spoileriffically in
this video,
it was an intense way to finish the game.

Fraggin' Shyamalan, I was just starting to feel good about
the upcoming Airbender movie and then you
go and pull this
shit. For reference, this
is the proper Appa. How can the sky bison inspire the airbender arrow tattoos
if they don't have the arrow markings? Shyamalan, you are a tool. Do not ruin
this for me.

[ChocQuibTown - De Donde Vengo Yo] is one of those reggae-tinged
rap songs that I have never liked. You know that one verse in every modern rap
song where one of the backup guys comes in with a reggaesque breakdown? It's a
whole song of that. Four and a half minutes lasts a long time here.

[Mariah Carey - Up Out My Face] is a known quantity. Mariah
found a formula that worked early in her career and there's no reason to shake
it up here. But speaking of terrible verses by backup singers, this song "features"
Nicki Minaj doing that reggae-tinged thing I was talking about. And then they
spend the last minute doing a marching-band reprise of the already-annoying
chorus.

[Jets Overhead - Heading for Nowhere] saves the day. It didn't
take a whole lot to save today, and "not a lot" is exactly what they bring to
the table. This is rock in the quiet verse/chorale refrain vein, with fuzzy
guitars that sound like Muse and a lead singer that sounds like Bryan Adams.
I mean, doesn't he? That's what he reminds me of.

[Easton Corbin - A Little More Country Than That] should
be ringing your alarm bells. I had always hoped that after the success of
[Big & Rich - Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy] that more gangsta rap would seep
into the country oeuvre. It never happened, but this song is lyrically similar
to those songs where guys brag about how crunk they are. (Set up hillbilly
scenario) => (compare yourself favorably to the scenario) through the entire
thing. The only thing that can be said in its favor is that it's shorter than
all the other songs this week.

10Feb2010 1930: Sweet Sweet Apocalypse

I'm still slowly making my way through Mass Effect 2, more
slowly than I should if I'm seriously serious about
avoiding spoilers.
The game told me yesterday that I have enough scientific gewgaws to make the
leap to the final mission, and I told the game to fuck right off because I
haven't even recruited my last two crewmembers yet. I am not leaving any
stone (or yeoman) unturned.

North Dakota is set for another world-ending flood if
the
snow total is to be believed. Sure, that article is all like "March was so
wet last year, what are the odds of that happening again?" But I know
better. I know you don't taunt the Red River. In-Forum you have doomed us all!

[Broken Bells - The High Road] opens with some default MIDI
patches, but leaves them behind quickly in favor of some laid-back pop-funk.
It's...hm. It's the exact midpoint between N'Sync and Portishead. It grew on
me through the song, so I think it'll just barely stay. Makes a weird first
impression.

[Land of Talk - It's Okay] is Sarah McLachlan in disguise.
The video itself is a black and white animation about some hair-heavy knight
errant, matched for no real reason against slow Lilith Fair material. I like
the song but I really don't see that the video adds anything to it. In fact,
Apple's usual habit of making the videos quieter actually detracts from the
utility of the download.

[The Soft Pack - C'Mon] doesn't have much to say, but they're
going to say it very fast while rocking out and then ask you to come on.
Musically adequate, but doesn't go anywhere in its brief two minutes.

[Ana Isabelle & Angel Lopez - A Puro Dolor] sounds very
much like what I imagine American Idol sounds like, but in Spanish. Two very
good singers have a diva duet and wank their way up and down some scales in a
slow love(?) song. The chorus swells appropriately, there's a key change for the
last third, and basically the entire thing could have been scored by robots.

But this week, none of the singles really matter. What you
should be listening to is
Jesus H Christ and the Four Hornsmen of the
Apocalypse...by any
means necessary.
It's Cyndi Lauper fronting Chicago with lyrics by Allan Sherman.
They only have one
official video and it's merely okay, but the lyrics are where it's at. Pandora
introduced me all of two days ago, and every song I listen to has me cracking
up by the end. For example, the band's deep sympathy for a new widower in
"Do Me":

I know it's bad
I am a crass opportunist
But I don't wanna wait
If I hesitate
You're gonna fall for the girl
Who's there soonest.

03Feb2010 1845: Preempted

I'm stuck at work right now, so this will have to be quick.
I know all (both) of you are all broken up about not having iTunes reviews
ready to go. Well I gave them a quick scan last night and the electronica one
is the only song that might have a chance of sticking around. This is based
solely on the album art and given genres, but it feels right.

You know what doesn't feel right? The way that
this story about nanoscale "liquid glass" is hitting all the blogs at once.
The first I've heard of it, but it's already in use in places in the UK and is
about to be sold in supermarkets? And it can coat anything and keep anything
clean for years? Sounds like a scam to me. I've heard about nanoscale bumpy
materials that keep bacteria from growing just by preventing them from getting
out of their nano-valley, but a sprayable siloxide coating? Preposterous! And
also: SCIENCE!!

And check out
this 1994 interview with Steve Jobs. Not for any Apple-fellating purpose,
but for the hilarious text of a world pre-object-oriented-programming. Where
objects were the next big thing that would save computing and open it up to the
business world. I have to admit they're right: businesses are now ass-deep
in custom applications that all try to talk to each other.