The Lucy Eperience

Monday, 27 January 2014

So from the age of 15 I fell in love with running, it started when I first joined slimming world, to lose weight for my prom. And the day after I joined, the most natural thing for me to do was run, I had already been dancing for nearly 13 years, I was a great sailor and also loved rugby, so running became easy. I started off running and struggling at one mile, but in under a year and losing nearly four stone I was able to run six miles at a time.

My long runs were my freedom, they kept me outside in the open away from SD, they gave me thinking space and even space to just stand there and cry. But as my depression became so deep and painful I stopped running and started eating more. By the time I realised I had put on six stone, and it broke me, I couldn't see it being put on, I didn't even think I was eating bad things, but I was, and it brought me all the way back to the beginning.

So October 2013, I re-joined my old slimming world, I was three years older, but a lot more depressed, but forcing myself there, I started to run again, and each day my love for running grew, up to the point that it is almost addictive! I started on my own runs, then with mum, and we joined Chorlton runners, an amazing running club that accepts everyone and their abilities. When we first joined we were running at 16 mm (minutes per mile) and struggling to do 3 miles, and under five months later I have completed my first 10k+ run! at around 13/14 mm! I've beat my personal bests at park run by 2 minutes and I'm even planning a half marathon run by the end of this year!

The support from the groups have been fantastic, I'm nearly a stone lighter and I cannot wait to get to my target weight!

My running really has come on leaps and bounds, I find it easier, I feel lighter, I can run for longer and faster, and I feel so supported with everything I do there! It is lovely to hear such positive comments, even if I'm not the fastest, the applause at park run keeps me going and makes me feel extremely happy!

I am so proud to be part of the Chorlton runners, they are a family, and a great one at that! Thank you all for pushing me to get better, for supporting me and my mum, and for just being the amazing people you are!

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

I've known for many years what it is like to be alone in a crowded room, to be surrounded by hundreds but acknowledged by none. And it always hurt.

I grew up in a large family, but still a single child, I had no brothers or sisters, only cousins, aunties and uncles, each of these having their own siblings. From this I grew up finding it easy to make friends, but as the years progressed I made less friends, but grew closer to the ones I kept. The more SD hit me, the harder it was to be myself, to talk to others, to show how nice I could be. In the end I just kept quiet, offered my opinion where it was needed, I got great reports from school 'lovely girl, kind, very quiet'. Yet back at home, I was constantly trying to shout my mum, SD told her I was always bad and had to be punished, I tried telling her I didn't do anything, there were these constant battles, from the second my mum came from work I'd be near her, I knew that was the only place he couldn't hurt me. She thought I was just trying to argue constantly as I was becoming a teenager.

In the end I think I lost most of my fight, I had it hit out of me, like when an owner beats the bark out of a dog. I had kept my fight for 6 years, and it wasn't until I lost everything, the ex family included, that my mind just... gave up.

I tried to push myself through my first year of college, which became a lousy start, I wasn't offered help by my GP, social services couldn't help me, no child counselling service could 'take me on' and there was a long list for the college counselor. It wasn't until I changed GP over and told him about what had happened that I was referred back to him in two weeks, then weekly after that. This was the first process and diagnosis of my severe depression.

Being diagnosed is completely different from getting help, I think a chimpanzee could see that I was depressed, what I wanted was someone to help me. But it took another few months and my mum's help to find a private counselor, who was amazing, as they took on the task of me! But even my weekly meeting with the counselor and my GP I ended up in A and E with the mental health crisis team. It had gotten to the point where I saw no reason to live, I couldn't cope with my constant memories, the stress of college, my own demon telling me to hurt myself, so I wrote a note out to my mum, I said I was sorry, that I loved her, that I just couldn't take living like this anymore, and planned out my suicide. I'd never really told anyone exactly how I'd do it, I'd told my counselors briefly.

The sad thing was, it wasn't going to be the first time. I think this is what the hardest thing to admit is, something my mum was never told, but I refuse to lie. The first time I'd wanted to give up was when I was in year 9, when SD had told me exactly how he would kill me, when I first ran away and he dragged me back home. And I tried to drown myself, I obviously failed, but planning my suicide wasn't something new to me. And I'm sorry for it. I'm glad I didn't succeed, I got my mum out of such a horrible marriage and family, I made my mum safe, away from him.

But, as I was saying, I planned it out that night, I had cut my wrist for the final time and had a large stash of tablets ready for when mum was at work, I planned to skip college, and to just end my misery. But it didn't work out, at that point I didn't want to be saved, I wanted to be dead, but mum saved me, she drove me to A and E, she missed work, we sat there for hours in a hospital bed, the child psychiatrist finally came to visit, he made me fill out questionnaires and tell him what had happened, my wrists were checked by the nurse to see if I needed stitches, and I was given an appointment to see the psychiatrist the next week. With this visit came medication, it then lead me onto SHIFT for my self harming. The meetings and the counselling and the medication all helped me through, but what helped me through most was as I opened up more to the doctors, I opened up more to my friends and mum, and the more I opened up, the more they understood. My friends knew what I went through, that I was depressed, they knew why most days I couldn't even afford lunch, that when I was down, I was down and all I needed was a hug.

These people have given me my fight back:

My two amazing friends from college helped me, and I'm sure they won't mind me saying, they are called Hannah and Melissa. These girls gave me more cuddles than I could imagine, made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry, helped me understand my work, they had patience for me. But the most memorable thing they had ever done, and it's always stuck with me, on a particular down day, when I had no money, I was in tears and had refused to go outside for lunch, I had gone to the counselor at college, and I walked back in and on my desk was a lunch for me, and a note telling me that they loved me. It was a small act but I was so grateful, Girls, you helped save me, you both are truly amazing and I love you both for it!

My bestfriend, Louise, she is an absolute gift, her and her fiance Danny, thank you for being there. Louise was the first person to notice my self harm and she was the one who made me tell my mum about it. She may not realise it, but she helped save my life, She is so close to my heart and is practically a sister to me! She knows how to put a smile on my face, She knows my mind better than I do, and most of all, I can talk to her about anything, Thank you, I love you so much!

My mum, Christine, My hero, the one woman I look up to and would love to grow up to be exactly like her! We may argue at times, struggle to talk, and even swap the mother daughter roles around! But mum, you completely saved my life, and in the end, you were my reason to live. You took me to A and E, you battled work and then came home to battle my depression with me. You are the most beautiful woman alive (Luckily I get my looks from you) but in both personality and looks, I'm glad you are my mum, I couldn't ask for anyone better. Thank you for giving me my life, and thank you for stopping me taking it, I love you more than you could ever know!

My dearest Rob, my partner in crime, soulmate. It feels like we've been married for 50 years! But the second I saw your smile I fell head over heels in love. I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet to have found the love of my life so young, you have the kindest, loveliest personality I know, and from day one you gave me hope. I love you.

My running club I go to! Chorlton runners! I have attended since november and wow, the support you have given to both me and my mum, you really are like a family. Thank you to everyone in the 'eco's' as well, you all manage to put a smile on my face, and it is so great to have lovely people like all of you to support us! you've all helped us more than you think! Thank you.

My tutor, from college, someone who from day one I found amazing and got on with! Someone who knew what was going through my mind, who helped me day in day out, who gave me time off if it was needed, and who supported my mum when I was in A and E, I'm not sure whether you want to be mentioned by name, but if you read this, I hope you know it is you. Thank you for everything, from accepting my college interview to being there on the 'graduation day', you really were the best tutor I ever had, thank you.

And to everyone else, the lovely messages, old friends and new, all the people reading this blog, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart I am so grateful, it really is helping to make my life that little bit easier!

These are my thank you's, to everyone, because you all deserve to be recognised as the amazing people that you are, and you will all hold a place in my heart! Please continue reading and sharing, and remember, It doesn't take a huge act of kindness to impact someones life, it could just be a smile in the hallway or a conversation over a coffee, but it makes a difference...

This is such a great quote... ''It's not about the speed, It's about the distance'' because I can see it in two different ways.

The first way is for running, to increase your speed you must first increase distance, the better your stamina of running a longer distance, naturally, the faster you will get.

The second ways is for recovery. It frustrates me a lot to think that after 3 years free of SD, I have not recovered, I am still depressed, I still get urges to self harm and I still think at times the world would be so much better without me, but I have to force myself to look back. This time two years ago I was writing suicide notes, cutting into my body and in constant tears, and now I only think about these things. I may not be recovering quickly, but the distance I have covered is much more impressive. I have lived two years longer than I thought I would, I can put a smile on my face, do some things that I love, I can have some really shitty times, but I can also have some amazing times! Me and Rob have the most fantastic memories, we have a great future ahead of us, me and mum are closer than I ever imagined and I have met the most amazing people and friends, people who I would not have spoke to last year because I thought they would hate me because I have a mental health problem, but everyone talks to me about it, they call me an 'inspiration' and tell me I am brave. And one day I might actually believe them!

The distance I have covered going through my recovery right now is fantastic, I'm starting to care less about the speed of it and more about how much further I can go.

Writing a blog like this is very draining, especially on something so personal, at times it reduces me to tears writing about it, especially writing about the abuse that occurred. All my memories, although they started eight years ago, they still seem so fresh and vivid, my mind constantly reminds me of what happened, I become so panicked if someone moves two quickly towards me or grabs my wrists, and it is something that I don't think I will ever truly get over, I understand that.

My recovery may never be 100%, I know my memories will always be there, but what happened to me impacted my life more than ever. It changed my life, both good and bad. I was so close to suicide that I now understand people and what they go through, it is easy to see for me when someone is being hurt, or close to a break down, I understand people when they say they are having a real 'down day', I know at times constantly asking a friends 'are you okay' just is not good enough, I know (by experience) being told to 'grow up and get over it' just drives you further into your dark tunnel, I know that even a funny look off a stranger can reduce you to tears in public, and I know that there are people on this earth that do not believe mental health problems are real illnesses. And that is what needs addressing.

You wouldn't tell someone with cancer to 'get over it'.
You wouldn't tell someone with a broken leg that it's not a real problem.
You wouldn't tell someone in a wheel chair to 'grow up and stop moping around'.
So why tell a person with no confidence, no happiness, someone who is so close to ending their own life because there is a persistent voice in their head telling them to do it? Why would you say something so horrible? It could be the smallest push they need in the wrong direction that could cause another scar, or to take an overdose. It could be one horrible word that would make them jump, just so they can escape their misery. But you could give them a push in the right direction, tell them that you're there, that you can see that there is something wrong when they say them words 'I'm fine'. You could be the smile that brightens their day up, the person who says 'I care' and stops them from jumping, You could be the person who gives them a reason not to cut themselves.
You be the person who helps to restore faith in that persons humanity, and most of all, you could be their life saver.

Right now I am excited to use this blog post for 'Blog for mental health 2014' !
And this is the pledge...

I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma!

For anyone who would like to join this pledge, the link will be posted below:

http://www.acanvasoftheminds.com

And it is such a great idea! I love writing as it helps me and my readers, It helps to release my stress, and it also helps me as I know thousands of people are on my side, not against me. And that is one thing I need in my life.

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

When people talk about 'triggers' they mean something that can bring on a depressive episode, it can include reading certain posts that can bring back memories or make the reader sad and watching TV that shows triggering material.

For me, my triggers are small and random, it could be talking about my experiences, or someone being insensitive about certain subjects, even the bus being late or not being able to find a matching pair of socks, little things can upset me and it annoys me.

I find myself getting overly annoyed about something so small and pathetic that other people could just get on with, and it worries me because I feel like I'm really struggling to get better.

I remember on many occasions being truly exhausted and just letting out my tears, and I couldn't stop crying, and then I didn't know why I was crying so I cried even more. Mine and mum's routine was wake up (well she would wake up), we would go to work/college, come home, curl up in bed together, cry, nap, get up, walk Doofy, then go back and curl up in bed together. We spent hours talking, and crying, and arguing, and more crying, and in the end mum was getting nearly as little sleep as I was.

Through that hard time me and my mum kept quiet about our life, we got on with work and college, we broke down,we'd pick ourselves back up and get on with it. I found it hard to tell people, I felt ashamed, I felt guilty, and I thought I deserved what SD had done to me.

It wasn't until a few malicious people started to make fun of me for what happened, they made fun of my illness, my past and said I actually deserved it was when the guilt partially subsided and in its place came anger.

When my anger came it was ferocious and I was willing to let everyone know that I was miserable.

But now, although I am depressed, I know I didn't deserve anything that had happened, I've never purposely hurt someone unless they hurt me first, and I know I do not deserve anything bad to happen to me. I am not guilty, I do not blame my mum, and I do not blame myself.

SD may have ruined my past, but I will not let him, or anyone else ruin my future. I plan to have a good, helpful and kind life ahead of me and I will always have more love in my heart than hatred.

In some aspects, I really hope the ex 'family' are reading this, but one thing I want to make clear to them if they do read it:

No matter how many times you called me a bitch, a liar, and told me I was not welcome on your doorsteps. Each and every one of your comments made me ten times better than all of you combined. Have your 'family' filled with control and obsession and false claims. Have each other follow your ring leaders, gossip with your friends and make it look like I was a bad person. But don't you ever look at me and my mum, your eyes are not worthy of us, let alone our presence in your family. I hope you live a life of guilt knowing that I begged for your help and you didn't do anything about it. Because I am glad you are gone, my family now, although not blood is better, happier and stronger than ever. And they have never hurt me like you all did.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

From being a very young age, when people asked 'what would you like to be when you are older' I knew what I wanted to be.

I never changed through high school, I never had doubts of what I wanted to do, Through college I expanded what I wanted as my career, my vocation, I was not like other girls who struggled to understand what they wanted. My feet were planted firmly on the ground. I wanted to be a nurse. And not just any nurse, I wanted to be the best mental health nurse on this planet. The only thing that changed was where I wanted to do it.

My first idea was that I wanted to join the navy and become a MH nurse for them, but I didn't think I could cope so long away from my mum, so I found a love for working in the hospitals, on wards and in the community. I worked as hard as I possibly could on every placement I had, I worked hard through my own struggles, and also dealing with the struggles of losing patients. But I finished my college course with a very proud two A's and a B. And today, today was the day I sent my university application off to become a mental health nurse. And I cannot stop smiling!

I feel relieved, happy, scared, nervous, overly excited and I can't sit still! Last year when I first applied I was just not mentally ready. I was going through interviews with the police, I had threats over the internet, I still didn't have that will to live. But now, after writing, working hard and I feel like I'm stronger I have applied again.

Three years from now... Where do you see yourself? Do you have a job? A dream home? A new little family?

Three years from now, I see myself saving more lives than I could imagine. I see my mum being proud of me, the ex 'family' hating themselves for losing me. I see less people struggle to get help and I see me and Rob living a happy life together. But I also see that I'm not dead. I will be alive and helping every person I can.

We all have a future, even if you struggle to see it, it is there and waiting for you to come out of that dark tunnel. And it will be happy. Trust me.

Sunday, 12 January 2014

So the blog is nearly at 5300! which is fantastic as I never expected anyone at all to read it.

This blog is important, and a big part of my life, not only because my vocation and love in life is for helping others in need, but because is it helping me!

This blog lets me talk about my experiences openly without worrying what people think of me directly.

Mental health has a lot of stigma around it and I know from previous experiences that if you tell someone you're depressed they coil away like you have a contagious disease. If you tell other people (especially my old GP) that you are depressed, they refuse to see is as an illness, they expect you to wake up after a week of rest and be fine and well like you've had a cold!

This blog is helping eradicate the stigma around mental health, but not just around mental health its self. It is eradicating the stigma around abuse. People feel as though they are not allowed to talk about abuse, especially children, they feel intimidated and threatened by adults and are less likely to tell someone. I remember coming into high school crying after SD threatened to kill me, he sat me in the car and explained how he would do it, he did this because I was 10 minutes late waking up. I remember the school 'pastoral manager' said that I had done something wrong and that I must apologise, I was 14. What on this earth could I have done to get a death threat off my biological father?

Some people do not understand the type of fear that runs through you when you are being abused. It is a sickening fear, your whole body is on edge, you want to vomit, you want to pass out, cry, scream, get away, anything just to stop it. I still get that fear, He may be gone but his name, people who look like him, sound like him or even act like him make me sick, they bring that fear and I shake, I can't stop shaking, because every time someone says his name, or catch a glimpse of a look-a-like I expect to be hit. My wrist burns expecting to be twisted and I hold back tears to the best of my ability.

I do not like the thought of people going through what I went through, Of people going through worse. It doesn't matter a persons age or situation, if abuse occurs there should be someone to help them. Not left in the dark like I was. Thats why sharing the blog, the facebook page, the links that are included, they could save someone, they could help a child, or a person, or even help someone recognise the indicators of abuse. It is just a small action that could change another persons life.

Important links are posted at the top of the page! So if you ever need help, they will always be their! Most of their lines are open 24/7 and offer friendly non-judgemental support.

Saturday, 11 January 2014

So my mood has been very low this last week or two, not had motivation to lose weight, but still wanting to be thin!

I know I have to work hard to get where I want to be (size 8/10) but I felt like I'm sick of trying. I've always had to work hard for everything, I've worked hard in school, in college, mentally and physically. I've had to work hard to keep myself alive, so to be thin shouldn't be too hard to ask for!

I went on my normal Tuesday run a pound and a half heavier, and I swear I could feel it, I felt sluggish and horrible! And I got frustrated with myself.

But by Thursday rob dragged me to the gym, Friday mum dragged me on a run, and today! Today I woke up after 3 hours sleep, it was dark, raining and thoroughly miserable! I'm surprised I could even dress myself! But I did and I compleated my first park run! I came in at 39 minutes, ten minutes quicker than what I would have thought! And I felt great! I looked in the mirror and my bloatedness was gone! And now after that, I think my mood is picking up again!

The track for the park run was like a mudbath! I was drenched head to toe in sweat, rain and mud! My feet were black and my legs a lovely shade of back-splash brown! My beloved trainers which have served me so well are now very crispy under the radiator and I hope to god that I have lost weight this week!

If I haven't then I know god hates me! Because I have ran just under 20 miles this week! 20!!

Now all my lovely readers sit back and applause that number! Because I shit

You not, I have ran that distance!

I hope everyone has a lovely day today, and try to strike up a conversation about mental health with someone! Remember you don't have to be an expert to talk about it! And it's great to show you care!

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

But to get the referral has been draining, I walked up to my local doctors after under 3 hours sleep, thinking my appointment was at quarter past nine, I forced myself to be early as normally I'm 20 minutes late and he tells me off!

But no. Not today. Today I am an hour early. In fact I'm so early 13 people went in before me and I was seen 20 minutes after my actual appointment time! I sat in his office for 30 minutes in tears asking for a counselor, now I wouldn't normally cry but he is a new doctor and had no idea why I needed counselling. Sitting in his office dragged everything up, Its hard enough writing about my experiences and even then I still cry, but I felt as though I had been put right back at the start of when I was first diagnosed, when the only time I was offered help was when I was taken to A and E by my mum. And it scared me.

I do not want to be in that place, but without a counselor I can feel myself slipping. One of the reasons I wrote this blog was to help me, as well as others. But it is to let the world hear my pain, to show everyone who ignored my please for help, to not only help people see they are not alone, but also to help me feel like I'm not alone as well.

Before I met Rob I was truly one of the loneliest people on the planet. I had no brothers or sisters, no family to talk to. I couldn't tell mum how I was feeling and I couldn't explain to my friends that all I wanted to be was dead. The only thing I could speak to was my imaginary .. 'person'. My demon. I called her Sophie and she scared the living crap out of me.

She was the thing in my head telling me to hurt myself, to hurt other people and said that I should kill myself. She made me scared of the dark. Luckily I do not see her now. But there are times where I can hear her, when I'm extremely low, when I consider hurting myself.

But in two to three weeks I will be mending myself. And I will still be posting helpful and motivational posts!

I may even do a 'special' post when I'm feeling a little happier, see keep an eye out for that!

But for tonight, I wish you all happiness! And I'm sending my love and hugs to everyone that needs it!

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

So as a depressive I tend to get A lot of up's and down's... But (with unknown reasons) I have completely slumped, I feel the lowest that I've felt in just under two years... but I don't know why!

I know it is OK to have a bad day, a bad two days, but now it has been a week, whether it's my nerves for getting a new counsellor as it takes A lot of time for me to build trust, or getting ready for my university applications, I just feel like I've fallen to the bottom of a big dark well.

Today I have tried everything that I would normally do to pick myself up (without self harming) and I was failing, my brain had a block on it. And as I sat on the living room floor in tears just a few hours ago I jumped up to the office...

What people should know was, when I had my private counsellor, In an extremely low place, I struggled to talk to them. I loved that they were there to help me, but I couldn't talk, or explain.

My counsellor got me to create helpful drawings or play games to help me understand what was going on in my head, and one day, I told my counsellor I wanted to kill myself. I explained how I would do it... That was when they made me create my 'emergency first aid box'. A drawing of a box, and everything that made me want to live, or made life easier for me, I put in the box.

I put chocolate. (for my comfort eating)
I put my dog. (the only thing that gave us motivation to get up)
I put friends. (their support made me love again)
I put medication. (to stop me killing myself)
And I put my mummy. She is my rock, my hero, and the woman that I aspire to be. I love her more than anything and I understand that if I killed myself she would truly be alone, She chose me over her family, She chose me over her marriage, and she saved my life. She saves my life everyday, she knows what to do when I panic, she knows how to calm me down, we even have our own little signal for when its OK to have a cuddle!

When I get upset I don't like human contact, I don't like compassion or people trying to relax me, but once I have calmed myself down, I don't even have to look at my mum, I just hold my hands up, open them and then close them, Like a child asking to be picked up, and that is our cuddle time. A sacred warming hug that can brighten any day.

I looked at my box today, hung up on my special wall in the office, It is made for my breakdowns and always stocked. And when my mum is home, what I need is a cuddle. A big one.

I hope you can all give a loved on a hug today, tell them that you care, how much they mean to you. It really does help.

Saturday, 4 January 2014

So this is a helpful post on mental health issues, almost a 'true/false' section, and also how to help and understand depressive symptoms!

Here's the 'true/false' about me!

My name is Lucy Williams- FALSE! My name is Lucy Isabella, I changed my name in 2012 to separate myself from any unwanted relatives!

I only self harm the right side of my body- True! I only used to hurt my right side and self harm on my right wrist as that was the side that SD would hurt the most, as I'm left handed it would go unnoticed at school if he sprained or seriously hurt my right side.

People (including adults) never noticed the abuse I was put through- True, even my mum struggled to see it as she had to work harder at work, teachers never paid attention and family members ignored my pleas for help, most of the time abuse is so well hidden and not spoken about enough, especially with children! Schools should raise awareness and offer a special service where children can talk about their problems to a trusted member of staff!

I was only abused A few times- FALSE! The abuse was constant for six years, starting from being ten (the only age I remember my actual childhood, as I cannot remember anything else from below that age I am not sure where it stemmed from) Till I was sixteen, this was when I ran away. And it was daily, verbal and physical.

The insight into depression!
What is depression?
Depression is not just a low mood that people may experience every now and then. Depression is a diagnosed mental illness that is often left unrecognised. Without treatment it could progress into a significantly worse state.

Mild depression is the low mood experienced constantly for two weeks or longer, you lose interest in activities you once loved. At this point you should see your local GP (Or a similar doctor if you are in another country other than the UK). The GP may diagnose you with mild depression and offer advice on how to lift your mood without counselling and medication, the options could be: regular exercise, healthy eating, talking to family and even starting a creative hobby.

Moderate depression is where your mood is even lower and has a greater negative impact on your life compared to mild depression, this may affect your work, school and home life. Seeing the GP they may offer you counselling, they could set you up with self help services and also offer you advice on regular exercise and creative hobbies.

Severe depression affects your life completely. People may struggle sleeping, eating, washing or even getting motivation to get out of bed. People with severe depression may use self harm to ease emotional pain and find it most difficult to accept their depression. The GP will offer both medication and counselling (unless under the age of 18, then you may only receive counselling as medication is dangerous and has serious side effects).

Depression can be caused by different things. Some people have a biological imbalance in their brain, causing natural mental health problems (Including schizophrenia.) Others may have been through a serious trauma.

My depression, as my readers know was caused by a long string of child abuse and then the loss of my 'family'. But, as I said in my previous post, No matter what causes your depression, your anxiety or other mental illness, it does not mean you struggle less than others. We are all one team, and we can all overcome what life has shoved upon us. We can fight the stigma, we can stop the bullying and we can raise awareness.

People keep saying that I'm a strong person, that I can get through anything...
But I need to point this out. No matter how many smiles I paint on my face, In my head I am still that four foot eight, ten year old girl screaming for help, asking why her daddy kept hurting her, asking why no one heard her please for help.

I am now the one here to help anyone. Anyone at all! If you need someone to notice, then I am here.
Keep that smile on your face, give the middled finger salute to anyone who taunts you, hurts you or makes you feel guilty for having an illness and walk away. No one should die from misery, because there will always be someone there to love you, even if they are on the other side of the world.

Thursday, 2 January 2014

So this is my first post of 2014! And we're going on an adventure of a life time!

To start this off I hope everyone has had a brilliant new year! That you have spent it with family and loved ones, remembered the ones who couldn't see the new year in, and spread smiles to everyone you met!

Through the course of 2014 you will watch me flourish! I've set my weight loss target for 5 stone by December 2014! Which will not only help my confidence but also improve my mental health! I'll keep posting updates of my weight loss and hopefully you will all follow my journey of weight loss and my recovery!

Over Christmas, whilst I've not been posting, it has given me too much time to think. Although Christmas was a great high, after boxing day my mood dropped. I had expected this as I can't normally go a week without getting a low mood. So it seemed too good to be true at first. But I got through a full week (which truly was fantastic!) but then had a week of being low. I couldn't control my tears, my thoughts or my nightmares, little things frustrated me even though they shouldn't. I couldn't stop thinking that I should be over everything by now, It's been three years and I'm being pathetic, thinking that has made me feel worse.

This is our third year without a family, yet it still feels like it is not getting easier, I'm still depressed, I'm still feeling lost and there's still the pain of grieving people who are not even dead.

I've been told quite a lot that I don't look like I have a mental health problem, which frustrates me. Not because I want to be seen as someone who is mentally ill, but the fact that people actually have a stereotypical look of a person who has a mental illness.Although some people may not mean harm by saying this, it is still offensive, I keep up with following 'Time to change' they are a charity working with 'MIND' to stop the stereotype and taboo of mental illnesses. What some people need to realise is this:

We do not look any different than the average person, we do not walk around in blood stained scrubs, we do not talk like we are possessed and we are not all evil. We are people and we have feelings.

Some people have a mental illness due to a chemical imbalance in their brain, A regular cause of mental illnesses, This means although the person may not have gone through a trauma, their illness is still real and still important. It makes them no different to a person who has gone through a trauma and then diagnosed with a mental illness. I've seen a lot of tweets about how people feel worse about their depression because they don't have a problem to be sad about. What they forget is that we are all fighting the same battle, we will always be on the same team, and we are here to support each other. You may not have been through a traumatic event like some, but that doesn't make your illness less real and you should not feel bad for that.

I spoke recently with my mum whilst feeling down and realised that I would benefit from seeing another counselor. I will be looking forward to that as the only way to get things off my chest right now is on this blog, I've struggled talking to loved ones as I feel that my thoughts would annoy them, also when I'm down I tend to push others away, I wouldn't act as sociable, luckily by new years eve my mood raised and had a fun night at a party and spent two days with my best friend, her boyfriend and Rob!

Recently my blog was published on the 'Red falcon project' website as a guest blog, of which I am extremely proud of. I find their website amazing as it not only covers mental health, but also addiction and other physical disabilities and problems! Their link is posted at the bottom of the home page and I urge everyone to take a look!

Heres a few pictures of our fun filled night!
(Prepare the cringe-o-meter!)

Have a happy new year my amazing readers! And if anyone has struggled or know someone struggling or need a person to talk too, remember the facebook page that you can message and it will be kept confidential www.facebook.com/thelucyexperience , there are also important links at the bottom of the home-page for anyone needing more serious advice.