Monday, February 25, 2013

This commercial begins to lose me with the hopeless dweeb kid's opening line- "Dad, put that down." We don't know what "that" is or why it's so important that Dad put it down- all we see is that Dad is instantly horrified by the thing that he picked up, apparently because his supergeek kid told him he needs to put it down. Whatever.

This kid....Jesus, what is with this kid? He's supposed to be out hiking with his dad, but he spends the whole freaking ad staring at his damned phone and bleating a commercial for Verizon. Why does he even HAVE that phone? I've hiked thousands of miles without one. Know what a phone is good for on a hike? Distracting you so you trip over a root and break your freaking leg. Or sitting in your backpack just in case you get lost. This kid hasn't broken his leg stumbling while trying to play Angry Birds on his f---ing phone (too bad, that would make a good commercial) and they aren't acting like they are lost, so I have no idea why these idiots have suddenly stopped in the middle of the woods to compare SuperNerd's phone connectivity to the internet access they have at home.

Oh, and what kind of awful genetic match-up produced this creep, anyway? He's obsessed with his phone to the point of giving his dad a fricking sales pitch in the middle of the woods. He doesn't look like being outside (or going to a gym) is something he's particularly familiar with. And for the love of G-d he's wearing a THIS IS MY CLONE T SHIRT!! It might as well say BEAT ME or GIRLS HAVE COOTIES. I mean, come on!

Sunday, February 24, 2013

I mean, just look at this. Money-obsessed jackasses who haven't quite figured out that no matter how much time they spend attempting to manipulate their pile into something larger, forces beyond their control and which don't give a flying damn about them will ultimately determine what happens to it. Said money-obsessed human pigs pretending to watch the world go by while gigantic "I" letters fly about, revealing that all that really matters to them is that money. And all the time, some song containing a single letter- the only letter that counts to these people-repeated over and over again in the background.

I Trade. I maneuver. I Shift and Position and Invest and create pie charts. I get constant updates on my I Phone or my I Pad. I pore over Information. What's going on right now in my life is ok and everything, but what I'm concerned with is what comes Next- when I am old and I can't earn any more money through actual work. So I am going to spend my fleeting youth looking at symbols and percentage rates and dividends and points, while the planet spins around me and the suckers who think that having fun and doing non-money stuff is going to get them anywhere.

And all the time, I'll be doing it to my favorite tune. It's a lovely song with only one word which sums up my life. "I.....I, I.......I, I........"

Saturday, February 23, 2013

I will NEVER understand how I woke up one day and found myself in a country populated entirely by lazy, tv-obsessed dickwads who think that that there is nothing more important than being able to record and store every single show without dealing with OMG HOW ANNOYING limitations on their precious God-given right to waste time.

Just check out these disgusting, life-deficient zombies. What's Not Quite As Annoying/Irritating/Anger-Inducting as having a limited recording capacity thanks to Ewwww So Yesterday cable? An out of control ventriloquist dummy on an airplane (they sure ran out of "more annoying than..." ideas in record time, didn't they?) Car accidents. Being mugged by clowns. Having dentists sneeze into your open mouth.

Yes, all of these things are VERY annoying- but don't quite approach the inability to record 2000 hours of one's "favorite" tv shows (why don't these choads just admit it- if you are constantly pushing your DVR to capacity, you are probably recording everything and never erasing anything. Which means you are wasting too damn much time watching television.)

Here's what I find more annoying than cable- ads featuring people who have so little going on in their lives that they feel the need to bitch nonstop about a service that would have seemed miraculous to people in the freaking 1990s. People who act as if being able to record television is the Be All and End All of existence. People who need to just shut their spoiled rotten pie holes and take "DVR FULL" as a sign from God- or maybe Comcast- that it's time to shut the damned idiot box off for a while and Do. Something. Else. And especially people who refuse to admit that they died years ago and just go into the damned hole and make it official already.

"Math is my best subject?" Really? I would have guessed "manipulating my stupid parents into hauling my fat ass off to the local Golden Corral Feed Bin for cheap, greasy, bland food" would have been the subject you get most of your A's in, kid.

Not that being able to twist these tasteless, clueless idiots around your finger is much to be be proud of. Anyone who sees "seconds or more" as a selling point for a restaurant specializing in meatloaf, macaroni and cheese and a fountain spewing Hershey syrup (not to mention the disgusting hicks standing in line to stick their hands in the cotton candy machine) isn't exactly the hardest nut to crack, after all. So congratulations, kid- your mom managed to get herself knocked up by a dumbass who probably thinks that his daily use of the MacDonald's Dollar Menu qualifies him for membership in MENSA.

And in twenty seconds flat, you've conned Daddy Clueless into piling you and mom into the family auto for an hour or so of binge eating. Don't forget to change into sweatpants! (I'd say "don't forget to sweat," but for Golden Corral regulars I'm sure that particular activity comes naturally.)

So again- congratulations, kid. Enjoy your evening of carb-loading. With any luck, Dad will call it quits before he slips into a diabetic coma- but if he doesn't, well, I guess that's what Mom is for, right?

Friday, February 22, 2013

Ugly, manipulative "and if this doesn't work, it's into the cornfield for both of you" daughter has no problem yanking the strings of her marionette parents to get what she wants.

What does she want? Honestly, I'm not sure what daughter really gets out of being able to convince her parents to upgrade to "better" phones that will make them show better for their friends. Mom "can't be seen" with your typical No Contract phone, because people will think she's one step away from using a Jitterbug or one of those devices peddled by AARP. Wednesday Addams explains that she can get a SmartPhone through this plan, so it's all good, because after all no one can accuse Mom of being anything but With It if she has a SmartPhone.

And what other people think- well, what's more important than that?

Creepy-pale Bad Seed finishes with a final dose of bull which I guess is supposed to be cute but really ought to just make any discriminating customer of cell phone service more than a little irritated. Why would anyone buy this product based on this ad?

Thursday, February 21, 2013

I'm not going to snark on the downright creepy Authoritative Male Voice coming out of the woman in this ad; if I wanted to focus on that, I'd use one of the Authoritative Male Voice Coming Out of the Kid ads, which are even creepier.

Instead, I'm going to focus on the painfully stupid non-logic at work in this crappy little nugget of a commercial, because as a teacher, it's so irritatingly familiar.

Several times a year, I'll give my class a piece of factual information like "the average American family has 2 children," only to get a response along the lines of "that's not true, Mr. Jamele- everyone in my neighborhood has at least four kids." Or I'll mention that the average age of an American woman when she gets married is 24, and hear a chorus of "That's not true- my mom was 19 when she got married, and my sister was 20!" Or I'll say "less than two percent of Americans are Orthodox Jews" and hear "Nuh-UHH, everyone I KNOW is Jewish!" (Perhaps I should mention here than I teach at a private Orthodox Jewish school.) Then I have to explain how statistics work, and what is meant by most people when they use the phrase "The Exception Proves the Rule."

Even though you are not one of my students, let me help you out here, Stupid StateFarm Woman Who Isn't Allowed to Speak for Herself for the entire ad:

According to statistics, men ON AVERAGE are safer drivers than women.* The fact that you received a Safe Driving Bonus check does not disprove this statistic, because the claim is NOT "No women are Safe Drivers." Actually, even that claim would not be disproved by this woman receiving a Safe Driving Bonus Check- the guy would have to say "No Woman has ever received a State Farm Safe Driver Bonus Check" for her little tantrum to be valid.

What makes this even more stupid is the fact that the guy is supposed to be SILENCED by this woman's bizarre non-answer. Hmmm..maybe the next time one of my kids tells me that everyone who attends her shul is Jewish, I should apologize for saying that most Americans who attend religious services adhere to some form of Christianity and promise to review my sources. Instead, I think I'll just refuse to adopt this childish little version of "Nuh-Uh 'cause I've got an anecdotal story which shows you are wrong" and stubbornly stick to the facts.

*I don't even know if this is true, and I don't assume it is because State Farm says so. But come to think of it, I've been in two accidents that were my fault, and I know a woman who has been in three, so I guess this guy is right after all. ;>)

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

1. There's not a whole lot of evidence here that "we" are really enjoying Progresso's new line of Light soups. Husband- yes. We? No.

2. Leave it to pasty, Still-apparently-locked-indoors wife to complain that her slimmed-down, exercise-conscious, twenty-years-younger husband is wearing 80s jogging gear while embracing his new lifestyle. Sure, he's healthier. Sure, he's more muscular. Sure, he has more energy. But ewwww check out the colors! What will the neighbors think? Well, my guess is

3. The neighbors are probably spending less time talking about Hubby's garish wardrobe than they are wondering where the hell Wifey is, and why she isn't out there running alongside Hubby and trimming down too. Instead of hanging around the house, talking into an empty can with some "chef" over at Progresso.

Hey, honey? Here are few tips that Progresso would give you if it was interested in something other than peddling its product: Now that you have both embraced eating bland, watery soup as a way of cutting calories, why not take the extra step and get that body moving like Hubby did? My guess is that he won't mind if you pull the leggings and wrist weights and rainbow tank tops out of storage, if it means you regain that curvy form that attracted him to you twenty years ago. I just can't see him calling the Progresso Complaint Line to vent about you becoming a young, lithe, energetic little goddess in the sack, can you?

Oh, and here's other little tip- it's not a good idea to stand still while your Significant Other is embarked on a journey of physical improvement. I'm not trying to judge your relationship or anything, but I feel like I gotta warn you- there are plenty of fish in the sea, and not all of them are content to be pale, overweight curmudgeons while their spouses are busy discovering the fountain of youth through diet and exercise. Just a thought.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

It's bad enough that AMC, once the place for truly Classic movies, is now the place to see pretty much any movie whose rights are inexpensive to obtain (did you know that "Constantine," "Demolition Man," and "Anaconda" were "Classics?" Me neither.)

It's even worse that AMC, once the place to see these Classic movies commercial-free, now crowds out every running of "Battle for the Planet of the Apes" with about 500 ads for Viagra, K-Y Jelly and State Farm Insurance (yes, I do believe that all three show up around the same place on the Taste Meter.)

And it's just plain horrible that AMC has become the dumping ground for bottom-feeder television shows that were so wretched, the History Channel wouldn't pick them up. I'm talking Immortalized, Comic Book Men, The Walking Dead, Talking Dead, Brain Dead (ok, I made that last one up. I think.)

But the ad for this garbage doesn't make any sense to me at ALL. I guess it's supposed to be "funny" because haha look at these weirdos, they look so awful and they are doing such nonconformist things while the narrator is telling us that they are basically like Us Normals. I'd think it was an almost important message concerning tolerance and a reminder that Diversity is an American strength- but then I am told that the program is called "Freakshow." So never mind- if the people here disgust you, it's not because you've got a stick up your ass and can't comprehend anyone not embracing your exact lifestyle. It's because they are Freaks, and you are Normal.

Well, thank goodness there's something to watch after I get done laughing at stuffed animals in stupid poses. Now I can go right to watching weirdos getting exploited by AMC's desperate attempt to get to the bottom before The History Channel beats them to it. Lovely.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Yes, we all know what a PAIN it is when we want to listen to our music anywhere, at any time- and all we have is headphones or cell phone or laptop speakers! Even when we crank the volume all the way up, we have to stand within 20 feet of our devices or we can't hear a damn thing!

Now there's Magic Bullet, an amazing, wonderful device which allows us to listen to our music as God Intended- at a volume which lets everyone within a hundred yards or so know what our tastes are. Now if we are at the beach, or the park, or the library, or the hospital, or the cemetery- No Matter, we NEVER EVER EVER have to be without our music- and now, everyone else gets to be with our music, too.

I wonder sometimes if the people who create and market crap like this are really the most inconsiderate, thoughtless pricks in the universe- or if they are just deaf and bitter at us Hearing Peoples. Personally, if Magic Bullet becomes popular, I think I'll be envying the deaf and wondering what they think is so great about being able to hear.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Are there really any dads out there who are so whipped and beaten down by their KIDS that they would let themselves be treated like this guy does? I mean, check out this choad's fat doofus son, who mysteriously has the power to force his dad into the local Radio Shack to purchase a new phone because Dad's current one is ewwwww so lame and so 2012.

Seriously, this little putz (the kid, not the dad) sure runs a tight ship, doesn't he? Son has had more than enough of Dad not showing well for his friends, and it's time for Dad to get hooked up with whatever the saleswoman at Radio Shack tells him is the Coolest Phone This Month. Maybe Son has threatened Dad with-- well, what? How exactly did the Conversation Before The Cameras Started Running go? Did Son threaten to hold his breath until he got uglier? What?

Whatever happened, the disgusting wuss (the dad, not the kid) goes along because after all, it's all about Showing Well for Your Kid. I guess these two just deserve each other. But don't try to convince me that Mom is still around. She either took off for greener pastures, or Son has already wished her under one. Either way, she's in a much better place, and far better off than Dad, who will no doubt find himself at the car dealership within the next few days because Jeeeeesssshhhh why are you still driving a 2012 model stupid, don't you know how LAME that makes you look (eyeroll.)

Thursday, February 14, 2013

I've been teaching Advanced Placement history for eighteen years, and let me start of by making it very clear that I am not a worshiper of the Founding Fathers. I don't think they walked on water, and I don't believe that we should attempt to decipher everything they did and said before making a decision on anything. As far as I'm concerned, they were just like us- extremely flawed human beings (Even more flawed than us, in that most of them owned slaves.)

This commercial doesn't show a healthy, "hey they were just people too" attitude toward the Founders. It basically presents them as insignificant little cartoon characters available to be mocked and caricatured- and used to sell cars, of course. There's nothing really new here- George Washington's image was used to sell cigars 130 years ago. I used to play with Lincoln Logs ( I still think that they are the best toy ever invented by anyone, ever.) Presidents have been selling mattresses for as long as I can remember. But there have to be some limits. At least, I used to think so. Then I saw this, and realized that there is no bottom to the barrel as far as advertisers are concerned.

At this moment, I'm ashamed that my last three cars have been Hondas, and that I had every intention of making my next one a Honda as well. Most of my family drives Hondas. They are good, reliable cars which are also inexpensive to operate. But darn it- I don't know if I can patronize the label after this. I think I'll spend the next several months watching Toyota ads to see if they come anywhere close to this level of Insulting.

If you weren't TOOOOOTTTALLLLY ready to bludgeon this annoying woman to death with a heavy blunt object by the end of this ad, well, let's just say you are a much better person than I am.

And I don't even want an explanation of that little gesture she makes in attempting to explain her forty mile daily commute to and from work. I'm not even sure why it requires a gesture. Seems like a pretty basic concept to me- you drive your car forty miles a day on average. I get it, lady.

And considering that these things cost considerably more than cars that use gasoline, I don't buy the "I'm going to Hawaii on the money I save" bit. Actually, it takes YEARS of gas savings to make up for the extra money you spent on cars like the Volt. But at least she doesn't pull that "I go to the gas station so rarely, I sometimes forget how to put gas in the car" line we hear in another commercial for the same car- a line that is only believable if putting gasoline in the Chevy Volt is a extremely complicated procedure.

Look, I think that electric cars are awesome, and I pray that they are the wave of the future (actually, I pray that light rail and national bullet trains are the wave of the future, but I'm willing to see this as a step in the right direction.) I have to wonder why Chevy feels the need to prove to us that owners of their Volts are just as obnoxious, self-congratulatory, stupid-bubbly and smug as owners of Earth-wrecking SUVs and Big Manly Trucks. I, for one, never doubted it.

I grew up on a farm in Orange County, which is located in Central Vermont. Pretty much everyone I knew owned a rifle of some kind and considered deer hunting season to be a kind of extended holiday. I was no exception, taking NRA-sponsored gun safety courses at the age of fifteen and getting my first weapon before my sixteenth birthday (a .22, which we called a squirrel gun because that's basically all it was good for, though I did manage to use one to shoot very large raccoon out of a tree.)*

One of my best friends in High School was the son of a very talented taxidermist. The guy was almost totally blind, which made his art even more impressive. He would accept almost any animal carcass as a subject, and accept the meat of the animal as part-payment for his services (the guy was also a great cook, and I can still remember the taste of his venison meatloaf.)

I also remember interviewing him many times about his craft; why he did it, what made it special to him, etc. Again and again he repeated a common theme, which he claimed to share with every other taxidermist on the planet- that at the very core of taxidermy is a simple, solemn respect for the creatures that are being "immortalized."

The moment I saw my very first trailer for AMC's Immortalized, these words came back to me and there was no mystery as to why this rubs me the wrong way. Hunting is a sport, a tradition with a rich history, a bonding experience with fellow hunters and with nature, and good exercise when you don't perch yourself at the top of a tree and just wait for an unsuspecting victim to wander by. Taxidermy, at it's best, is an art which captures the majesty of the animals sacrificed in a humane manner. This show does not celebrate taxidermy at it's best, however. Not when every ad for it mocks the dead animals, puts them into stupid poses, dresses them in glasses, etc. I can't believe that any real taxidermist would look at this with anything but disgust.

My friend's dad has been dead for years, so I can't ask him his opinion of this insulting junk. My guess however is that he would refuse to watch it, and denounce the taxidermists who participate as having fallen from the pure faith in order to score some screen time. But if you think it's funny to mock dead animals, I guess this is the kind of show for you. I just think it's really sad, and I can't help but wonder if the creative geniuses who conceived it have ever seen coyotes, wolves, or bears outside of a zoo or could tell us which side of a gun the bullet comes out of.

*that raccoon became a very ugly rug courtesy of my friend's father, and has been in storage for a quarter-century or so, having been packed away around the same time I stopped hunting. I don't miss it, though I certainly understand its appeal. This show? I don't understand its appeal, at ALL.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

1. The only thing in the package is pork. That's the easy part. If this guy did all the cooking with the spices and such, who really cares where the pork came from?

2. Why would any adult lie like this? I mean, what does he hope to gain? And how insecure can you get- aren't these his friends?

3. "This isn't everyday food." Yeah, no kidding. If pulled pork is "everyday food" for you, you probably didn't live to see this commercial.

Commercial B-

"Was there something I could help you with?" asks zombie son. Wow, really? I can think of a few choice reactions to this-

1. "Yes. Get your ass off my couch, detach that fucking moron game from my tv, get your idiot friends out of my house and into all that free fresh air and sunshine outside. That would help me."

2. "Oh, and leave the bacon I paid for on the plate. I'll be eating it, while you are outside working off the amount YOU ate with actual exercise."

3. "Talk to me like that again- while staring at a screen, barely acknowledging my existence, and trying to convince your friends that you run the house and I'm a real inconvenience when I'm not shelling out for stuff you want, and I'll put your potty training video on YouTube. Do we understand each other? I thought so."

Saturday, February 9, 2013

It never takes that much to make most of them happy in a crushed soul, muted dreams kind of way: Nice house, reasonably decent guy bringing home a paycheck, jewelry a few times a year and a new baby maybe every other. They don't ask for much more, and if they find themselves experiencing a gnawing sense of longing or lack of fulfillment, well...there's the new recipe to try or the fleeting moments of fantasy and daydreaming between the screaming, diaper changing and Honey Where The Hell Are My Keys mornings.

And then there's this woman, who finds way too much pleasure in emptying a can of air freshener as she twirls through the living room she gave her entire life to obtain. I can't snark on her too much; I'm too busy wondering how far her fall was. Did she EVER want more than this? Oh, and wondering how she managed to sell herself to this jerk, who is clearly determined to wreck every false notion of value she might have left.

Thought I needed you to have someone to keep My Palace smelling great, honey? Well, think again- this AirWick thing means I won't be requiring that particular job out of you any longer. Where the hell are my keys again?

Eventually, this guy will purchase a key finder, and this woman's contribution to the marriage will be reproducing and providing free sex. When the guy decides he doesn't want any more children, and hologram technology finally starts to fulfill forty years of promise, there's not going to be much point in having you around anymore, MommyWife. I mean, it's not like you've ever had anything interesting to say or have a personality or anything.

Full disclosure: There are people very close to me who have said, in so many words, that they are wetting their pants in anticipation of this movie because OMIGOD IT LOOKS SO FUNNY ROTFLMAO LOL!!

In my defense, I'll add that if these people happen to be related to me, it is BY MARRIAGE ONLY. Maybe they share my last name but I'm NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR UTTER TASTELESSNESS, OK?

Anyway, I must say that I really do appreciate it when trailers scream Don't See This Movie Unless You Are a Glue-Sniffing, Knuckle-Dragging Inbred Who TiVo's The Big Bang Theory and King of the Nerds and thought that the cartoon Archer was funny for more than fifteen minutes three years ago. So a tip of the hat to the makers of this one; if I lay down ten bucks to see this ninety minutes of predictable, banal crud (not to mention, sitting in a freaking theater with people who would lay down ten bucks to watch this junk and LAUGH AT IT,) well, shame on me, because I can't claim I wasn't warned.

Because it's not like this doesn't let me know exactly what this movie requires: total suspension of disbelief, including being willing to accept the notion that the way to combat the theft of one's identity is to hunt down the thief yourself. It also requires the embrace of every hackneyed, beaten-to-death cliche concerning what is supposed to be "funny:" Fat women. Bug-eyed, perpetually perplexed white guys. Clueless cops. Explosions. Car crashes. And punches to the throat- lots and lots of punches to the throat. As implied in the previous paragraph, the only thing I can imagine more unpleasant than watching this crap is spending 90 minutes in a dark room with people who are enjoying it.

Meanwhile, I'm sure this tub of warm pus will be a big hit. I live in an amazingly stupid country after all, surrounded by people who think they are smart because they can read the Dollar Menu at McDonalds, personalize their iPhones with their "favorite Geico character," think Maxwell the Pig is hilarious and sent a Get Well Card to the AFLAC duck. There's a huge market for Lowest Common Denominator sludge like Identity Thief, which is why we should brace ourselves for at least three sequels right now.

Well, at least the bottom-feeders will have something to laugh at until someone revives the Saw series.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

First, where the hell does YouTube get off making us watch one commercial before seeing another commercial? I mean, really. What the hell?

Next, the sexual innuendo here barely fits into the parameters of what normally makes up "innuendo." "Flush your Pipe?" "Snake your Drain?" A guy leering at this woman while balancing melons in his hands?

Why even bother? Why not just show this woman being jumped by these guys? And keep in mind- this isn't a woman having a fantasy about one guy. It's a woman having multiple fantasies, about multiple guys. She isn't experiencing amorous feelings about that stud she noticed in the fruit section of the grocery store. She's dreaming of being nailed by a stud. ANY stud.

This is so bizarre, so insulting, so downright STUPID that I can't even bring myself to point out what I thought would be my original punchline- that for 99 percent of clogs, that plastic snake thing would do the job. Instead, in keeping with the spirit of this display of awfulness, I'll just say that this woman is clearly backed-up and needs a guy to use his snake to flush her pipes. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to take a shower.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

1. Honda thinks that assaulting our ears with the most annoying jackass salesman ever will make us think highly of their product, or

2. Why, if these people have just looked at the Bestest Car Ever over at Honda, they decided to come over to Whatever Not Honda Dealership This Is and bother the salesman with comparisons of that Bestest Car Ever with the Not As Good Car he is supposed to be trying to sell them?

I mean, come on. If you were just shown a car that you really like, that has everything you want in a car, why didn't you just buy the damn thing? Do you just enjoy looking at cars? Wasting your time, and the time of the sales guy who, is after all, being paid to sell cars and not try to explain why the cars he's supposed to sell aren't quite up to the standard of that car YOU LIKE SO WHY DONT YOU JUST GO BUY IT MORONS?

If I were this guy, I'd respond to the second or third question with "EHHHHHHHH....sounds like you've made up your mind. Stop bothering me, and get back over there before someone buys your dream car, idiots." Except I wouldn't include EHHHHHHHH, because I'm not a freak. And I wouldn't be talking to these jackasses anyway, because I could never be a car salesman. Certainly not if these people resemble actual, real-life customers.

Monday, February 4, 2013

To answer the question Applebees presents in the first ten seconds of this mess: No, probably not.

But here's a more obvious point: Eating out is for special occasions. I know that Applebees, McDonalds, Burger King, Dennys and Olive Garden would like us to forget that we have refrigerators and stoves and kitchens and just spend all our time and money at one of their feed bins, and therefore tries to pander to the people who are happy to do so by offering low calorie options, but the sane among us understand what eating out is for, and we ain't buying it.

And since we know that eating out IS supposed to be special, we aren't all that interested in tasteless junk served up at under 550 calories per plate. You see, we eat sensibly 99 percent of the time. Which is to say, we eat at home, food we prepare ourselves. We don't live off the Dollar Menu, we don't think Wendy's is the place you spend every lunch hour (regardless of what the lunatic redhead in the commercials wants us to do)- heck, we don't even think that Kit Kats are a suitable mid-afternoon snack, EVERY MID-AFTERNOON.

So when we go out, we don't really worry about the calorie count. We get big cheeseburgers and french fries or onion rings. We eat pasta drowning in thick sauces. We ask to see the dessert menu- and then we order dessert. (If we are at Friendly's, we get hot fudge sundaes with broken candy bars on top.)

We can do all this because (do I really have to repeat this?) eating out is for SPECIAL OCCASIONS. And only a total idiot is going to spend high-calorie money on low-calorie garbage. We who rarely let ourselves go like to go out to dinner- to let ourselves go. We can start repairing the damage tomorrow because, unlike the people you want us to be, we aren't hitting another restaurant for our next meal a few hours later.

So please, stop showing us guys getting all hyper-excited because they aren't overindulging in garbage, but are instead eating "sensibly" a meal which will leave them hungry before they get back home. Fortunately for them, there's a McDonalds drive-thru on the way. Me? I'll leave with a full stomach. Thanks anyway.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Having (finally, thank G-d) abandoned the idea of trying to convince us to buy one of their ugly cars by showing people hitting themselves or being mocked by automobiles with German accents- not to mention a hundred or more other intensely insulting ad concepts- Volkswagen has decided to wrap up it's product in the always-delightful, always-winning package of bigotry and ignorance.

Because hitting your grandfather in the groin isn't fun for everybody, but no one can resist a blatantly Racist message, right?

Here's the deal: Buy a Volkswagen, and before you know it you'll be just like those hilariously simple-minded Island people we all developed such affection for during the 1988 Olympics (or at least during that awful movie which Kind of But Not Really told the story of the Jamaican bobsled team, Cool Runnings.) You know, the Don't Worry Be Happy tribe that lives on the beach and smokes dope when it isn't serving fruity alcoholic drinks to white people. We all love that quaint, backward little race of humans who don't take anything in life seriously and are always spitting out little snippets of Savage Wisdom (I'd call it "homespun," but it's not like These People would ever do anything as taxing as "Spinning.")* I'm a little disappointed that Dan Akroyd doesn't make an appearance in the disguise he wore in Trading Places, but we can't have everything, can we?

I just hope that this is the start of a long series of culturally sensitive ads by Volkswagen. Next time, let's see the white guy walking around the office shucking and jiving, encouraging his befuddled fellow workers (who are trying to run a successful business and don't know how to relax, being WHITE and all) to take a casual attitude toward their labor. When that one goes over well, Volkswagen can move on to EPIC portrayals of Hispanics, Asians....the possibilities are endless.

And when our favorite German Car Company is done slandering anyone who is not a WASP, some of us will be very sad because we miss those awesome ads so very much. Some of us will have sore fingers from constantly typing "Oh Lighten Up, I'm Black/Hispanic/Asian/Jewish and I thought they were HYSTERICAL!"

Me? I'll regret ever criticizing Punch Dub Days. Because that was so much less offensive than THIS crap.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Naturally if your cell phone goes off when your driving, your immediate instinct is to look around for it, because to hell with safety- if it's ringing, it means someone is desperate to get in touch with you and it's a matter of life and death. You are so important, you are.

So I suppose GripGo is better than fumbling around for a phone near your feet, or between the seats, or in your pocket, or whatever. But hey, here's an even better idea- LET THE F--ING THING RING. You've got Voice Mail. If it's important, they'll leave a message. Nobody worth your time will be offended if you don't answer your phone while trying to operate two tons of heavy machinery through traffic. And let's face it- 99 percent of the time, the "important" call you are risking your life (and mine) to answer will consist of nothing more than "hey whassup?"

(And if you are like 99 percent of the My G-d Given Right To Blather On My Cell Phone Is More Important Than Your Safety douchenozzles who make our highways death traps these days, that kind of conversation is well worth fumbling around and making other drivers swerve out of the way for.)

I will add however that I fail to see how mounting this thing on the dashboard so that it's right in front of your face as you talk is a really big improvement. And besides, isn't that where your laptop, DVD player or makeup kit is supposed to go?

Not to mention- it's "fully adjustable." Ok- so you aren't holding your phone with one hand while driving with the other anymore. Now you are obsessively adjusting your GripGo to get just the right screen angle while (hopefully) driving with the other....hey, why do you need to adjust the screen anyway? So you can watch the screen during the call? So much for contributing to safer driving...

The really sad thing about this commercial is that incredibly clueless, disconnected, distracted and obtuse morons will probably be convinced that if they buy and install this thing, that somehow transforms them into Responsible Citizens. Hey, I'm being safe- sure I'm not giving more than 10 percent of my attention to the road, but at least I'm not actually HOLDING my phone!

And hey- they don't offer an extra GripGo (just pay separate shipping and handling?) That's got to be a first in the history of ads like this. And what terrible timing- what am I going to do with that DVD player while I'm changing lanes at 70 MPH while blabbing away on my phone? I have to use my hands after all? Oh well, good thing I have two of them. And being a typical, cell phone-addled genius, I'll have no problem dividing my attention between the screen, the conversation, and the road (in that order) either.

Or maybe the title should be "All The Right Friends in All the Right Places?"

So....the University of Phoenix is proudly out there as a blatant promoter of Cronyism? Or am I missing something? Because it sure seems to me that the message of this ad is nothing more complicated than "get your degree from the University of Phoenix, and get yourself hired by a fellow University of Phoenix grad, because we all stick together."

That, and the University of Phoenix is some kind of weird cult whose members wear bright socks in order to identify each other. So they can hand each other jobs. I guess.

Again-- am I missing something here? Because...I can't be right about this, can I?

Friday, February 1, 2013

I thought I'd include this "offer" I received via email from AAA, just because I found it so hilarious.

For every FIVE AMC "Gold Experience" tickets purchased, AAA treats you to-- one small popcorn voucher (not one small popcorn- but a small popcorn voucher. Can I assume the voucher can be used at the same time that the "Gold Experience" tickets are? If so--Wow, what a great deal. Amounts to maybe a dozen popped kernels per guest.)

And that's not even the best part. I clicked on the offer and read the fine print- and discovered that the MINIMUM purchase to get this deal is TEN TICKETS, at a cost of $85. (Yes, you do get TWO free small popcorns for your ten tickets- but tell me that it's not more than a little misleading to announce "Get Free Popcorn for Every Five Tickets' when you can't buy just five tickets.)

Gee, I hope you didn't break the bank in making this "offer," AAA. Kind of reminds me of those awesome 4%- off laptops HP was offering during it's Amazing Cyber Monday Blowout.

And the tag line is just great- "AAA. Use it for all it's worth." In my experience, here's what it's worth- fairly quick, reliable road service. A slight discount at Best Western Hotels. That's about it. Two small bags of popcorn with the purchase of $85 worth of movie tickets? Not worth it.

I look forward to future Amazing Offers from AAA- like maybe a Free Nutrageous Bar (Fun Size) with every three Hersheypark tickets purchased. Or maybe a Free Bag of Peanuts (6-9 peanuts per bag) for every 10,000 SkyMiles accumulated using your AAA card. Free 6-ounce soda when you purchase Four Entrees at Olive Garden. The possibilities are endless, but I don't really have time to list any more right now- I have to go out and find four friends to take to the movies. I hope they aren't hungry...

I'll be posting at least two or three separate rants focusing on Office Depot's recent series of God-Awful "let our ridiculously chirpy underpaid minions bend over backwards to take care of your business needs" commercials.

In this one...well...wow. It's hard to pick which one of these repulsive people is MORE unlikeable. Is it the underpaid drone who is Way Too Happy to be puckering up and kissing the ass of the yuppie pond scum who wants to be sold on the Office Depot crap? Or is it that yuppie pond scum, who thinks he hasn't made himself hideous enough with the moniker "Mr. Mobile" and therefore throws "I'm a gamer and a go-getter" at us to seal the deal.

"Gamer" and "Go-getter." My guess is that the only thing he goes to get is more games.

And she's going to save him time. Why would someone who calls himself a "gamer" need to save time? So he can kill more electronic trolls and terrorists on his flat screen while life goes on right outside his window?

And I can't even begin to snark on the "Depot time" bit which finishes up this 30 seconds of awfulness. What the hell is this woman doing with her hands and head and eyes at the end? Am I wrong in thinking that she's just a little too enthusiastic about the crappy job she has? And how does she know it's the guys' "departure time" anyway?

And am I wrong in wishing that a wayward meteor had just slammed into the studio during the filming of this dreck, depriving society of absolutely nothing?