Trust me - the tigers don't bite

A friend returned from what he had vainly hoped would be the 'holiday of a lifetime' to India.

The moment that stuck in his mind was not the sunset over the Lake Palace in Udaipur, nor racing across the Thar desert on a camel.

This should have been the highlight of the trip.

He had asked his tour operator for a guide to show him not just the splendours of the Taj Mahal, but to take him around some of the less well-known Mughal architectural gems nearby, such as the abandoned city of Fatepur Sikri.

But when he met his guide, he began to worry.

There in the hotel lobby was a tiny man on crutches with only one leg.

He was also either exceedingly shy or incapable of speaking any known language.

So, how do you separate the good guides from the bad? The simple answer is you can't - without knowledge, money and luck.

Sometimes the best guides in town are blazingly obvious, especially if the hotel you are staying in 'owns' them.

For instance, if you are fortunate enough to be staying at the Datai (a glorious rainforest retreat on the edge of a jungle on a perfect bay on the Malaysian island of Langkawai), you can't go wrong.

Irshad, a former banker, is arguably the most brilliant jungle guide in existence, and every other guest will stop by at breakfast and rave about his prowess at describing the foibles of the giant fig strangler: 'I like to think of it as embarking on a hostile takeover bid.'

The female guests will invariably sigh longingly when asked what he looks like, as Irshad has the appearance of an actor in a Ralph Lauren advertisment.

What he also has in spades is charm and the ability to spin tales.

Who couldn't be amused by the story of how he described the aphrodisiac qualities of an obscure plant to a visiting team of Commonwealth athletes staying at the hotel?

The following day he found the entire area had been dug up and the plants hurriedly removed.

You'll get a similar response to that of Irshad's female admirers, if you ask seasoned travellers who are the best safari guides in Africa.

Inevitably, they are smoulderingly handsome men of few words.

A prominent female English journalist fell for the charms of the man who is perhaps the best white hunter in East Africa.

Unfortunately, they had a difference of opinion while he was flying high over the swamps of Botswana in his private plane.

Rather than concede the point, this lothario merely headed for the nearest dirt airstrip, told her to remove herself from the plane and then flew off.

But this particular person was not tough on female admirers only.

He once saved the life of a friend of mine who had stumbled while being charged by an angry rhino in Tanzania.

The hunter carefully waited until the beast was within range then coolly shot the beast dead with one bullet to the head.

The other famous guide in South Africa is David Rattray.

He specialises in walking tours around the remains of the Battle of Rorke's Drift, where a mere 100 British soldiers held fast against an army of 4,000 warriors in 1879.

He is such a brilliant story-teller that his annual lectures at the Royal Geographical Society in London are always sold out.

Good guides don't come cheap: a morning tour of Florence or a day in Bali with a qualified guide can easily cost £100, but their knowledge is invaluable.

However, for me, it is the ability to bring a description to life that makes guides indispensable.

On a recent trip to the ruins of Angkor in Cambodia, John Sanday, the head of the World Monuments Fund project to restore Preah Khan, explained the terrain of the ruined landscape, with its crumbling temples and walkways.

'During the 13th century, this temple was on the edge of a huge lake,' he said. 'That step there is where the king's ceremonial boat would dock and all the priests would stand there as he and his entourage came ashore.'

Suddenly, we were not just looking at the remnants of an extinct civilisation but being drawn into a living spectacle.

However, some guides offer more than information.

There are so many incidents involving attractive guides offering more intimate services than are in the brochure that some major tour operators actually have a clause in their terms and conditions stipulating that the company is not responsible for any consequences of friendships that develop into something more romantic.

The other risk to be aware of at all times is that of purchasing goods from 'a friend' of your shopping guide in places such as India.

Some unscrupulous tour operators there in India actually take massive commission cheques in advance from merchants who then receive a steady stream of tour buses that stop only at their jewellery shop.

The only advice that any tourist should follow when it comes to buying that charming carpet or shawl in an obscure souk abroad is that its value is only what you personally think it is worth to you - and nothing more.

The 'special price' your kindly guide has managed to get in the well-lit jewellery shop in Agra or Jaipur invariably includes a commission for him and his driver of up to 40 per cent.