The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998

July 12, 2004

My handy dandy 5-cd disk changer is set and ready!
Today I have my fave singer ever, Peter Murphy "Holy Smoke" (Happy
Birthday Peter!), David Bowie "The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust,"
Nirvana "In Utero," Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros "Streetcore"
(I realize I've played that one the two or three Editorials, but I can't help
it, it's great!), and Joey Ramone "Don't Worry About Me."

Erica's loved ones... Kendall, Bianca, Opal, Myrtle,
Jack and Mark gather to confront Erica about her addiction. She's ticked. She
so doesn't need to be told not to drink and she will if she wants, it's not
a problem. But with every person who talks to her, it becomes more and more
clear to her. She has not recovered from being raped. She has not dealt with
it enough to move past it. It becomes very clear to all, that there is more
to the story. We find out why Erica left Pine Valley and her life behind. I
don't think her immediate intent was to not come back. She got the call that
her father was on his death bed and this was her final chance to confront him
on what she has been bottling up for so long. She had to get it out. But she
missed her chance. He died before she got there. It was then that Erica withdrew..
well withdrew isn't exactly the right word for someone who leaves their home
and becomes a Vegas showgirl, but you know what I mean. She withdrew from her
family. She couldn't confront the one person who needed to be confronted so
she dropped out of her life in an attempt to block it all out for good. It didn't
work of course. Her father haunted her around every corner. But back in town,
with the support and love of her family, Erica tells them all that her father
knew Richard Fields was a pedophile. But he wanted Richard for a movie he was
making so he offered up his own 14 year old daughter as a sort of sign on bonus
for doing the movie. She overheard Eric Kane and Richard Fields discussing it
and laughing when she was hiding in her room after being raped. Sick, sick,
sick!!

With the love and support of her family around her,
Erica can now start to heal. She apologizes to Bianca for making her pain worse
by not being there for her and making Bianca worry about her on top of all the
other worries she had. But much to her families surprise, she picks up a glass
of wine and refuses to go into therapy. Jack steps in and tells her he has an
offer for her, and it's much better than wine. Erica, who was hoping that Jack's
better offer was actually scotch, finds that he's offering the love and support
of her family. Everyone rallies and tells Erica that she has to face her issues
and they will all be there for her. Erica, realizing that they will all walk
out right now and leave her, decides that family and friends is more important
and pours her wine into a potted plant. I suspect we'll see that thing wilting
before too long.

Erica wants nothing more than to retire to her room
with Jack so she thanks everyone for loving her and having faith. It's when
Kendall goes up to Erica and asks her "who do you see when you look at
me now?" that we get the payoff and the SCENE OF
THE WEEK, when Erica replies, "I see you, Kendall. Only you. Only
you, honey, the daughter that I love." Oh my, pass the tissues, I'm getting
weepy reliving it all over again! And as Jack and Erica lie in bed, Erica agrees
to treatment.

I cannot say enough how much I adored seeing Mark
LaMura back in his role of Erica's brother Mark Dalton. He was absolutely
wonderful. Hell, the whole intervention was amazing with outstanding performances
by all. Narrowing it down to just one performer of the week is a very difficult
task, so I have decided to give two. PERFORMER OF THE
WEEK goes to Susan Lucci. The was her storyline,
her moment to shine and show us what she's got. And personally, I was not disappointed.
She took Erica to a place we rarely get to see.. messed hair, disheveled clothes,
make up not perfect. She dove head first into those scenes! She was vulnerable,
angry, scared, defensive, loving and just plain wonderful. Bravo!!

I'm calling the second award, GUEST
PERFORMER OF THE WEEK, and that one goes to Mark
LaMura. AMC, sign him back up IMMEDIATELY!!! Do not delay!! He was so
amazing. Can you tell I loved seeing him? AMC, it's time for Mark Dalton to
leave Hong Kong behind and return to Pine Valley. If I had one nitpick (and
of course, you all knew I'd have at least one right?) Mark never mentioned Ellen
so we were left wondering, is she still with him? Are they together? Where is
she? But that's ok. I'll let it slide this time, but I'm only cutting some slack
this time because, since she wasn't mentioned, AMC will now have to bring him
back so we can find out what happened to Ellen ;)

How much do I hate JR, let me count the ways. Am I
really going to count? OK, 1) He's mean. 2) He's a jerk. C) He teamed up with
Adam. D) He has that awful looking facial hair thing. And 5) I HATE HIM, I HATE
HIM, I HATE HIM!!!! I wish I knew how to do a screen cap because, as I've said
before, JR reminds me too much of Mateo. And this past week he proved it when
his own digit of death started to fly! That finger went right into seedy drug
dealer Seth's face. OK, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. JR, who swore he
would never do to Babe what Adam did to his mother, stoops to Adam's level and
buys drugs from his old pal Seth (the aforementioned seedy drug dealer). JR's
intent is to get Babe all hopped up and then have her cheat on him. He decides,
swell guy that he is, to use Jamie for this purpose. Got that kids? He wants
Babe to cheat on him again, with his brother, again. Sweet. JR, not looking
the least bit suspicious, calls Jamie away from a date with trampy Nicole, under
the guise of an emergency. When Jamie arrives at SOS, he finds that the big
emergency is that JR wants him to hang out with him and Babe. And after JR slips
Babe the drug in her
ginger ale, he fakes a business call and has to leave, leaving Jamie with a
suddenly amorous Babe. Jamie is confused and tries to keep up with Babe. Geez,
what did JR give her? Horny
Goat Weed?

JR watches as Babe is all over Jamie, all the while
saying she wants JR, only JR. Did anyone (as in JR or Jamie) notice that? Even
in a drug induced state of horny toadness, Babe wants only JR. And when she
attached herself to Jonathan, she kept calling him JR. She thought Jonathan
was him. Why didn't anyone (especially Jonathan) point that out! ugh. Anyway,
JR is watching with that damn awful smirky look he has that drives me to fits
when I see it, but then all the fun and games stop when Babe collapses in the
alley. JR actually panics for a minute, a minute mind you. He appears as if
out of nowhere and calls 911 while Jamie tries to give Babe CPR. Can I slap
JR now, please huh can I??? JR get this weeks (ironically named after his mother)
DCM COMMEMORATIVE SLAP OF THE WEEK. Did he happen
to forget the heart trouble Babe had after giving birth (gee, I almost said
after having Bess!) or did he just not care and drug her anyway? I vote for
didn't care. Do I think JR wanted to kill Babe? Maybe not but I don't think
he would have been too upset if she had died, other than it probably could have
been traced back to him. After all, he did tell Adam he wants to kill her. And
for what? The horrible crime of not filing an annulment paper and marrying him
while she was still married? Remember, JR doesn't know that Bess is Miranda,
that can of worms is yet to be opened. His cruel and unusual punishment for
her is based on her lying about the annulment. I'm not saying it was a bright
thing to do, but does she deserve to be drugged within an inch of her life for
it? Absolutely not. You know when I wanted to SLAP
him the hardest? When he was in the waiting room at the hospital while Babe
was being treated and he told Tad that he thinks Babe might have a drug problem.
Oh if only Tad had SLAPPED him upside the head
for saying that, I would have jumped for joy!

I'll just come right out with it. I like Babe. I like
her WAY more than I like JR. I certainly don't agree with all that she's done.
I hate that she is not giving Miranda back. I think that if TPTB aren't careful,
they will ruin her and Krystal to a point of no return. That would be an awful
shame because Bobbie Eakes (Krystal) and Alexa
Havins (Babe) SHINE. I think that, while both started out with best of
intentions, both are now getting to a point where they will be unforgivable.
Of course, Erica was eventually forgiven for keeping Maddie, so...

Back to the action. At the hospital, Jamie immediately
suspects JR is behind whatever happened to Babe. Jamie saw JR talking to Seth
at Metro Music. But JR covers by saying he told Seth to clean up his act or
he was going to turn him over to the cops. He tells Jamie that Seth must have
drugged Babe to get revenge on him. Even I'm having a hard time buying into
that story. But Jamie wants to go after Seth. JR stops him and tells him to
stay with Babe. Huh? He goes on to say that Jamie shouldn't get involved and
he'll take care of Seth himself. OK.. that makes a little more sense than telling
Jamie to stay with Babe! So JR catches up to Seth and, as previously mentioned,
lets the digit of death fly!!! As JR is paying Seth to leave town or he'll turn
him over to the police, he hears a noise, Jamie, and shifts gears so he can
put on a show for Jamie. He tells Seth he'll get back at him for drugging his
wife. Proving he's as smart as you would think a drug dealer is, Seth says,
"duh, what?" and runs off calling JR crazy. That Seth, he's really
quick on the uptake, he's got a bright future ahead.

Babe assures her new daddy... wait, stop right there
and hold the presses.
If you've been reading my Editorials for awhile, you have to know how much I
absolute hate and despise "long lost" stories. And this one, this
on has to be up there on the top of the contrived list! Here we have JR who
left town to go work on a tramp steamer. While he's docked in California, he
meets a random girl, Babe, and decides to marry her and bring her back to Pine
Valley. Suddenly she's David's daughter? AMC, you're killing me here. It was
bad enough (and I still can't figure out the reasoning) that Ryan was Chris
Stamp's son and Greenlee suddenly was revealed as Jack's daughter. Come on!
Yeah yeah, I know, they only did it to throw another monkey wrench into Bianca
getting Miranda back. But seriously, they couldn't come up with anything better
than this!? What's next?? Are we going to find out that David is really Palmer's
kid, that Tad is really Adam's, Krystal is Myrtle's, and Bianca is Brooke's!!
Please, give it a rest!

NITPICK or FLUB - I laughed
and laughed when I saw this. Bianca came to see Babe in the hospital ER. Babe
sent her out to get her some juice while she was talking to David. Bianca goes
out the door, but when she came back, she came through the wall! Babe was in
a room, and Bianca did not return through the door, she came back up beside
Babe's bed. All I could think was wow, Bianca really is a saint!!! She can walk
through walls!!!

So Babe assures her new daddy David that she never
took any drugs and she wouldn't. David is skeptical. He has not yet embraced
the fact that he has a daughter again. Don't worry it happens in record time.
But for now, Babe tells David that he owes her nothing and that he has to do
whatever it is that helps him sleep at night and if that means telling Bianca
about Miranda, then so be it. She just asks him to give her and Krystal a heads
up so they can be prepared and she can say her goodbyes to Bess. The conversation
turns though, when Babe seems to indicate that she is doing the baby a favor
by not having the Cambias name attached to her. David doesn't seem to like that
comment and neither do I... she is not doing Bianca any favors. And as David
and Babe continue to talk about the baby, Bianca is at the park with Reggie
telling him how she thinks about Miranda and what she would be doing at 4 months
of age. At the same time, Babe is telling David the exact same things, as she
gets to see Miranda doing them. FOUR MONTHS that's how long Bianca has been
without her baby. Um, PTB? You cannot get that time back. It's time to return
that baby NOW. Babe, at least, realizes she's being selfish by keeping the baby.
And it's clear that if David doesn't spill the beans, she is not going to. See
what's happening? The longer she keeps the baby, the harder it will be to fix
it and keep Babe and Krystal around.

As
Babe is getting released, JR is standing at the desk talking to Kelly (Paul's
sister) who is holding his son. Of course, he has no idea. It seems that Bianca
is the only one with any kind of instinct about her child. JR has no sense that
this child is his, neither does Babe. Bianca on the other hand, continues to
believe that Miranda is near. And this is where the barf alert comes in. JR
wants Babe to look at the child, as if he's some big baby freak all of a sudden.
JR has made it clear that "Bess" is his possession. He hardly strikes
me as a lover of all babies. And oh my God, don't you just want to scream when
Adam, while plotting with JR, calls Bess "ours." ugh.

MEANINGLESS DRIVEL OF THE WEEK
although it was kind of funny. Danielle dons an orange jumpsuit at the police
station, handcuffs her hands and feet as a protest for the way that Derek is
keeping her under constant watch. The funny part is that Danielle was not only
wearing an orange prison jumpsuit, she was also completely accessorized with
orange earrings, bracelet and flower for her hair. And I swear I almost snorted
my iced tea through my nose when she started yelling, "I'm GUILTY!!! I'm
guilty of kissing a boy in the first degree!!"

Back to David, he's starting to feel as though having
a daughter would be a really good thing and has a fantasy about Babe being there
for him, loving him no matter what. And isn't this what David has always wanted?
Someone who will love him, for him, no matter what. He's got a huge decision
to make and Tad doesn't help matters by showing up at his cabin and telling
him to back off of Babe and Krystal. Tad should know that David will most likely
do the opposite of what he wants him to do. David makes his decision and tells
Tad he is heading over to Adam's now. If he wants to know how much he plans
on listening to Tad's warning, he can meet him over there. See Tad!!! Told ya.

David arrives and announces that he is in fact, Babe's
father. Didn't we already know this? Well yes, but JR and Adam didn't know that
David had proof. So just as you think that David might spill the beans, the
rug is pulled out from under us again and David has decided to embrace Babe
as his daughter and be a part of her and Bess's lives. I'm so on the fence here.
Sure, David has always been more evil than good. He tends to do the wrong thing
over the right, no matter the situation. But would he really decide to keep
this secret from Bianca? He knows what it's like to lose a baby. He bonded with
Bianca over her pregnancy and her loss. Is his new daughter suddenly more important?
Babe even told him to do what he had to do and she wouldn't hold it against
him. So why not tell, then bond with Babe. She didn't seem like she was going
to hate him for telling. She didn't have anything to blackmail him with. She
didn't say she'd never forgive him if he revealed Miranda. I don't get it. So
put David on the list of people that TPTB will be hard pressed to redeem. David
has NO reason for doing what he did, other than the fact that he is David and
he doesn't need a reason. Needless to say, JR and Adam are not thrilled to have
David in their lives. But get a load of this family dynamic.... David, Adam,
JR, Adam! That is one twisted family tree!

What makes me really sad is that JR has zero affection
left for Tad or Jamie. And you know nothing thrills Adam more!

Babe takes David and Krystal up to the nursery to
she can properly meet his "grandchild." Once alone, Krystal asks David
if he is for real or if he was just putting on a show for JR and Adam. David
assures them that he wants to be a part of Babe and Bess's lives, but that the
Chandler's don't factor into the equation. David delivers this weeks LINE
OF THE WEEK when, to reiterate this fact he says, "Sunday dinners
at the Chandler table? Please. I'd rather suck mud through a straw." Krystal
and Babe are not exactly convinced and want to know why he decided not to tell.
David tells them that he lost one child and doesn't want to lose another. I
suppose Krystal and Babe would leave town if he revealed Miranda, but we already
know that Babe said she wouldn't hold it against him so it's not like he would
be losing her. Lame, lame, lame.

It's time for the 4th
of July picnic. Tom (can you believe it.. Tom and Mark in one week!) and Livia
are there with Danielle. Maria, Edmund and Anita are there. Hey, was it me or
did Edmund go to Palmer's guy to have his eyebrows dyed? Anita's whining about
Bobby...blah blah blah. Danielle is complaining and griping while trying to
sneak off to see Reggie... blah blah blah. Bobby comes back and tries to make
amends with Anita, who tells him she filed for divorce... blah blah blah. Derek
decides to help Edmund try and trace the call he heard through his cell phone...
blah blah blah. What a boring picnic! But wait, it's about to get good. Maria,
who seems to have dipped into that Horny Goat Weed herself, is shocked to see
Zach arrive at the picnic and launches into a super hot flashback. Poor Maria,
her husband has been incapacitated for about 6 months and she's about to lose
her mind from being so sexually frustrated. Isn't it interesting that Edmund
lived with blue balls for about 5 years after Maria "died" and she
can't hold out for a few months. Take a cold shower Maria! Anyway, she's reliving
some hot times with Zach and Derek asks her if she's ok. She says she is, so
Derek tells her that if she ever wants to talk, he'd be happy to listen. Sorry
Derek, talk is not what Maria wants!

Random comment.... leave it to Palmer to come to a
4th of July picnic in a suit!

We almost got through a whole week without the Kendall/Ryan/Greenlee
stuff. Almost. So we go there again. Kendall and Greenlee are sparring about
who Ryan wants to be with *yawn*. Greenlee informs Kendall that she almost had
him back and tells her that when he caught Kendall in bed with Jonathan (Jonathan
being Ryan's brother who just showed up in town), Ryan was on his way to take
her back. Why does everyone get that Kendall ruins her own life over and over
and over again except Kendall? And at the penthouse, Ryan and Jonathan are getting
to know each other again. Ryan fills him in on his past with Kendall and how
they were engaged. Oh did I love this line from Ryan, "We were engaged
more times than Spinal Tap had drummers." Great one! As the two bond, Ryan
offers Jonathan a job with Cambias...he accepts and about 30 seconds pass when
we see that Jonathan most likely has an ulterior motive in coming to see Ryan.
Gee, can you make us think a little bit!?

Well boys and girls, that's about all I have to say.
All in all, other than the intervention, a painfully average week. I'll give
it a B though, Mark, Tom, some great lines, and a whole lot of David which is
always a good thing.