BINGO! HOUSE MEMBERS GET INTO JOYOUS SPIRIT OF NATIONAL LOTTERY

Faithful readers of these musings (God bless you one and all) might recall a passion on the part of their author for a national lottery, an idea that ranks just below world peace and free beer on my list of legislative priorities. Now help for my often lonely battle has arrived from an unexpected source -- the House of Representatives, which on very rare occasion does support measures as benign and ultimately joyful as a national lottery could be.

Mind you, the lottery bills introduced in the House are flawed, mostly by good intentions. One would make the betting instrument a new, low-interest Treasury bond, with the proceeds going to Medicare. Another would benefit the Social Security trust fund, and yet another would designate half the revenue to Medicare and half to deficit reduction, with the winnings taxed as ordinary income.

Noble efforts all, but all missed opportunities to inject some sheer joy into the business.

Democrat Rep. Tom Luken of Ohio comes closest to the point with his proposal for $1 tickets, a weekly drawing on network television and perhaps a special Kentucky Derby sweepstakes. There, at least, is some fun. But Luken clouds the matter when he talks about raising $50 billion over five years to offset the federal deficit.

The real point is that a lottery shouldn't do a thing but put money into the pockets of the folks who take part in it. That's right: No vigorish for the nation. The puritans, whom the good intentions are meant to buy off, don't have to play.

And why, for heaven's sake, tax the winnings? Let's be honest in this one small part of our national life. Allow the winners to keep everything they win.

How does it get done? Easy, friends -- easy, easy, easy. You want to play the lottery, you file a federal income tax return. Each $1,000 of taxes paid or any fraction thereof qualifies you for one chance in the lottery: $1 of taxes qualifies you for one chance; $1,001, for two chances; and so on.

Oh, yes -- it will cost you $1 for each lottery option you exercise. If your tax bill is $3,536, last year's national average, you can check a little box that indicates you want to buy four chances, and add $4 to your check to the IRS or deduct $4 from your refund. Your Social Security number is your lottery number. Exercise 10 options and your Social Security number gets entered 10 times.

Last year about 96 million individual federal income tax returns were filed, and the total tax payment from individuals was almost $284 billion. That's 284 million chances in the lottery. Let's assume that 24 percent of taxpayers put up a dollar for each of their available chances -- the same percentage that now checks the presidential campaign fund box. That's 68 million entries and a kitty of $68 million.

How does it get divided up? This way: 100,000 prizes of $100 each; 10,000 prizes of $1,000; 1,000 prizes of $10,000; 100 prizes of $100,000; and 10 prizes of $1 million -- tax free, every last penny of it. Count them. That's 110,000 prizes, totaling $50 million. (The other $18 million goes to the IRS for expenses.) Every lottery option has a 1 in 600 chance of winning, better than most odds in life.

Computers pick the prizes below $10,000 and notify the winners. The drawing for the big tickets, based on the previous year's tax payment, begins on national television on April 6, one number a day until April 15. And bingo! -- an appropriate exclamation, when you think of it -- the day of national gloom becomes a day of joyful, frenzied expectations.

This lottery has nothing to do with the spirit of a progressive tax system: It's unkind to the poor and maybe too kind to the rich. No federal fund gets rich off it although I suspect that a lot of people who have jimmied their taxes down to, say, $3,996 are going to kick in the extra $5 for another chance to play.

If anything, my lottery is not much more than a massive income redistribution scheme among people who enter with their eyes wide open. All it is is fun, reason enough by far.