No Coast Bias

B1G Football Programs as Family Guy Characters

Rarely do college football and animated cartoons find their way into the same conversation. (Unless, of course, you’re a stoned college student sitting in your dorm on Saturday night trying to decide what to watch on TV.) When it comes to college football, though, there is one conference that is almost universally loathed by everyone who is not a diehard fan of one the programs. That conference is the Big Ten. And if there is an equivalent in the world of adult programming (not the naked kind), it’s without question the overexposed, on-every-channel Family Guy. When you take a further look beneath the surface, you’ll notice the similarities between the programs of Jim Delaney’s baby and the characters of Seth MacFarlane’s program don’t just end with its association to the smug crowd:

Peter Griffin is Ohio State Despite their sometimes moronic and “you’ve gotta be f*cking kidding me” behavior, Ohio State and Peter Griffin still manage to be the breadwinners in their respective households. No matter how many times Peter falls on his face, you can always count on him to get back on top… despite all the shit that comes up along the way. Plus, they’re both the first thing that comes to mind when the subject comes up.

Lois Griffin is Michigan Strong, independent and everyone in the world seemingly wants to get with ’em in the sack. Unfortunately for everyone else, Michigan and Lois only seem to have eyes for Ohio State and Peter respectively. While Peter goes out and makes an ass of himself, you can always count on Lois to be a steady hand at home. Every now and then, though, something will happen that makes you question their judgement. Like this. And this.

Brian Griffin is Wisconsin Brian is opinionated, liberal and a bit out of an outcast in his environment… much like the city of Madison is in the Midwest. As an example, his views on legalizing marijuana seem to be shared by the students of Wisconsin. Despite all that, Brian has proven to be a strong character that can carry the rest of the group when they are off their game. And, of course, he likes to party.

Stewie Griffin is Nebraska Stewie and Nebraska are both the youngest member of their respective group. While Stewie is misunderstood because of his age, Nebraska seems to be a bit misunderstood because of its unfamiliarity within the league. Years ago, both Stewie and Nebraska were set on taking over the world. But these days it seems like every time that dream might become a reality they both somehow manage to piss it away.

Meg Griffin is Michigan State Universally considered to be nothing but a shitty version of Lois, Meg is constantly fighting for respect amongst her peers both in her own home and in the outside world. Every time it seems like good things are finally about to happen to Meg, she gets smacked in the face by the reality that her road to the top will never be as easy as Lois’s.

Chris Griffin is Purdue A smaller, less important version of Peter, Chris has never really been given much of a chance to truly shine on his own. The few times he has, though, he has made quite the name for himself and even gotten the best of the big guy. Then just like that he goes back to being an afterthought in the next episode and you realize it’s because too much of him is not entertaining television.

Herbert is Penn State Sadly this is pretty-self explanatory and probably in bad taste. We know that Herbert is a veteran of the United States Army (one of the highest honors one can receive). That’s why it’s too bad his legacy will be tainted because of a perceived fondness of young boys.

Glen Quagmire is Iowa Maybe it’s their hard partying persona or just the way the outside world always associates them for taking advantage of women. Whatever it is, you always know what you’re going to get with Quagmire just like you do with a Kirk Ferentz coached team. The results can sometimes be extraordinary, but at times it just seems old and overdone.

Joe Swanson is Minnesota Back in the day, Joe Swanson was the alpha male of his peer group. And just like Minnesota’s days of winning national titles is nothing but an entry in a record book now, Joe’s ability to walk is too. Now he’s just a shell of his former self and mostly collects pity for what he is incapable of doing what he once was the best at.

Cleveland Brown is Indiana Cleveland is not even on the show anymore. And you have to admit, that pretty much sums up most people’s feelings toward Indiana football. While the rest of the cast is fighting it out on-screen, Cleveland is too busy in his own world doing his own thing… just like the fans in Bloomington are too busy worrying about hoops season.

Tom Tucker is Northwestern Every now and then, Tom Tucker will show up and embarrass one of the more high profile characters forcing you to acknowledge him as a presence you need to be cautious of. But while Tom Tucker and Northwestern are both consistent in their role, they are nothing more than journalistic mouthbreathers to the rest of the world.

Mort Goldman is Illinois What do these two have in common besides the color orange? Well, they are both forgettable and just can’t seem to hang with the big boys. Mort seems lazy and showed questionable decision making when he stepped in a time machine to go back in time just like Illinois showed the same characteristics by sending the program back God knows how long by hanging on to Ron Zook for so many years.

81 Comments

Actually the guy who made this is from Omaha, NE and says he cheers for the Huskers. You just assume that anytime someone says something negative about you, its a Michigan fan, when in reality, just about every fanbase recognizes your classlessness. Someone can say something accurate about Michigan St, but if it is negative, they get cussed out and the Spartan fans dismiss the truth.

This might actually be one of, if not the stupidest thing i have ever seen on the internet. What the fuck does a stupid cartoon tv show have dick to do with Big ten collegiate universities? Whoever created this has obviously never been laid and needs to get a fucking life. Michigan state is now perennial power in football, to go along with already being a perennial power in Basketball. They are the adonis almighty in this conference when it comes to athletics. Ohio state is right up there with MSU as far as atheletic powers in the Big ten. As far as Michigan though tell me what they have done for me lately to garner such respect? So far i got a loss to Ohio in Basketball, yes thats the real university of Ohio, and I you have 4 straight losses to your “little brother” in football. Your athletic department is ran by a pizza boy, and is pretty much the definition of mediocrity when it comes to athletics. Long gone are the days of fielding yost and the fab five, actually i dont recall anyone playing college basketball going by the name fab five, probably since they didnt exist. Anyone with half a brain that isnt blinded by the Blue wall michigan propaganda knows MSU has had the better Football team the last few years regardless of bowl results. MSU beat a team that played in the SEC championship, while Meechigan got to play flag football with a crappy ACC team. Your hopes for ending the losing streak to “little brother” on the gridiron, are about on par with Denards pro prospects at quarterback, and hes chances of winning an actual heisman trophy outside the month of september. Dear michigan fuck you and tell me how five in a row tastes.

Wow nice rant crazy buckeye fan…not a fan of either school, but you should know the “streak” is over….Michigan beat OSU. Also a BCS bowl victory is more impressive than finishing 6-7 and losing to florida.

I believe that a “perennial power” should at least have a recent Rose Bowl appearance in order to use that description. One good year does not make a perennial power. Tomorrow, wake up on the other side of the bed, so you don’t whine so much. The column was for the sake of comedy. Relax there, sport.

Inferiority complex much? It is funny though that no matter what state does they will never get as much respect in academics or athletics as the University of Michigan hahahaha. Everyone who knows ‘dick about the Big Ten’ can see that the Wolverines are on their way back to put state in it’s place. I hope you enjoyed the little run you had there because state’s recruiting class doesn’t show too much promise for the future.

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love all the sparties on here getting their panties in a bunch. relax, it’s a funny comparison and something to lighten up the off season (and a pretty accurate comparison – – -i love the illinois and purdue ones!).

sparty – congrats on being relevant for the first time in 40 years. no doubt, beating the worst michigan and ohio state teams in the last half-century is certainly an accomplishment to hang your hat on…looking forward to the red machine stomping you again on your turf next year

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Hey, my name is Brian Gottula too!! How cool!!… Except my parents aren’t inbred and spelled “Brian” like it’s supposed to be spelled. Really, a Y?? You have to be shitting me. I bet you used to get all kinds of abuse in grammar school, but not by just bullies – little girls, the faculty and even the Sysco guy that delivered chicken nuggets and other delicious lunch menu items. He’d be like, “Hey Brian with a Y. Oh, you think I’s and Y’s are interchangeable as you please huh? Come here, I got something for you.” and he’d whip his thang out for you to suck. And then after he’d nut he’d say “Clean that jizz out your y’s”.

Seriously though, a Y?? You should do everyone a favor and commit suicide, give the world one less “Bryan”. Just gather all your household cleaners and make a smoothie, add some Whey protein and fruit for added health benefits. And whatever you do, ignore those warnings by the poison control center, they are completely false. Make sure you don’t vomit and the last thing you want to do is call for help, and it will be over before you know it.

Great article by the way. I laughed so hard that I woke my dog, Myke Hart. And I completely agree with Lois being Michigan. Go Blue!!

after reading this list i slwly bcame dumer and dmer n dmr… btw, i must have missed the episode where meg took over the house with brian and together they tied everyone up in the basement, peter went to jail, loise became the family gimp, the midwest became the liberal center of America, and mort DIDNT go to the rose bowl more recently than everyone but peter and brian. its also pretty funny that herbert would have to sit down and tell lois about the good ol’ days when her great grandmother ruled the nest of colleges, highschools, and ivy league teams. but ever since carter pewterschmidt (bo) stopped being a racist prejudice asshole and allowed immigrants in, the family has really struggled to stay on top. also, lois just found out carter never won a championship and threw up in her mouth a little, was never more proud to be a Griffin, and realized Meg was the pride of the family.

Yeah gayboy we loved how you guys thought you were going to just join our conference and walk all over us. This conference actually plays defense unlike the 7 on 7 style of the Southwest 10 conference. You cornfuckers will never win this conference, like the curse of the billy goat its the curse of you big gay red mascot thing, what the fuck is that thing anyway? Damn cornfuckers.

I knos everything about everything. I am such a armchair quaterback. I have so much free time in my non busy life to dedicate so much time to researching previews for the enjoyment of other sexless dorks like myself.