The Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Rhea Perlman

First off, this one is a touch on the icky side. Do not read while eating, preparing to eat or while having sex or considering to have sex because it will completely kill the mood by halfway through the third paragraph.

As for the apology part, I must point out that even though I am a fan of Rhea Perlman and her impressive résumé, somehow her name has unfortunately become a euphemism in my household for “having the runs.” “I have an important meeting with Rhea Perlman” = “I’m about to hit the head and it isn’t going to be pretty.” “I had a surprise visit from Rhea Perlman today.” = “I blasted my work bathroom.” Sometimes, it is simply referred to as “Rhea.” Or if you really want to stress the severity of your situation…”The Perlman.” You could even use an adjective to specify the cause like in this recent text exchange between my wife and me:

So, Rhea, I know there’s a .0001% chance of you reading this, but just in case you do, please know that this is not in any way a slam on you personally or your body of work. We all loved you on Cheers and please give our love to Danny.

It’s cool, Dad! Continue with your disasterpiece…

Now, here’s what inspired this…

If I could give all you new dads and moms out there a simple, but oh-so important, piece of advice, it would be this: ALWAYS HAVE THE CLEAN DIAPER OPEN AND READY TO SLIP INTO PLACE!

I learned this the hard way when my first son was right around the 4-month mark. I was changing his diaper on the edge of the bed and lollygagging (mistake #1) my way through it as if it was an easy stroll through the park on a Sunday afternoon. I was singing to him. I was holding a conversation with my wife in the other room. I may have even done a little dance to coax a smile out of him. And then it happened; one of those life-changing “lesson” moments that I’ll probably recount on my death bed just to ease the tension with a good laugh. I turned to reach for the folded diaper on the dresser behind me (mistake #2) and as I turned back, Ben’s sphincter transformed into a Super Soaker. Not a Super Soaker on full blast mind you, but a Super Soaker on the back end of a shot when the pressure slows and the water gets that awesome little arch.

For all the sports fans out there, think of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Ben’s fecal flight pattern brought to mind Kareem’s signature rainbow hook shot. That shot was a thing of beauty. However, what Ben did was not a thing of beauty. It was a rainbow of liquid shit. And instead of getting nothing but net, it got me, the carpet, the brand new duvet and …wait for it …the dresser behind me. Yes, Ben had some torque behind his borscht. If I was trying to change his diaper on a free-throw line, he would’ve hit the backboard with no problem. He might even have a future as a fountain outside the Bellagio in Las Vegas — if they ever do some sort of Willy Wonka chocolate river theme.

Grossed out yet?

So heed my advice, rookies. Raising a child is honestly a shitload of fun, but changing diapers is all business. That’s when it’s go time. Just focus and get it done. And don’t even get started until you see this…