“How to Buy a Plastic Penis” by Pamela Frost

This story appears in the adult bedtime book “Not Your Mother’s Book…On SEX.”

There are times in a woman’s life when a plastic penis is far more satisfying than the flesh-and-blood role model. Post-divorce is one of those times. After a while, I found my hands were not getting me to where I needed to be. And I soon grew bored with vegetables. The mere act of standing in the grocery store staring at a vegetable—trying to figure out if it’s the right size and the right texture—felt weird. I wondered if there really were people in the world who could read minds. I just didn’t like taking those kinds of chances in public.

So I asked my friend one night while she had a mouth full of wine, “How would one go about buying a plastic penis?” Note to self . . . apparently chardonnay burns when it comes through your nose. When her coughing subsided, she strained to say, “Adam and Eve dot com.”

I ran to the computer as soon as I got home.

The banner on the website read, “Top 5 Most Orgasmic Ideas for Summer Fun!” I felt my heart rate increase. And I learned that if I were to sign up right then and there, I could save $10 instantly.

Another note to self: delete browser history. I didn’t know how I’d explain this to my son.

I scrolled down the page—fake man parts, fake lady parts, lingerie and so much more. The first thing that caught my eye was something called “Clone-a-Willy.” What in the world? There’s something I’ll probably never see on Pinterest, I said to myself. I stand corrected. I did find it on Pinterest.

Getting back to Adam and Eve, I clicked the link for Clone-a-Willy. It was a kit to make your own vibrator. I am a do-it-yourselfer, so this idea appealed to me. However, it wasn’t going to work for me because the kit required a male to slip his erection into the warm molding liquid. I didn’t have access to an erection—he got custody of that in the divorce.

I navigated to the vibrator section. There were seven different categories of vibrators. I was feeling a little overwhelmed when I spotted a tab that read, “For beginners.” How considerate of them to help us newbies.

Again, too many categories. The first choice was “rabbit vibrators.” Why a rabbit? Oh, I see. Little bunny ears caress the clitoris. As I scrolled down the page, a staggering array of shapes came alive before my eyes. It took me a minute or so to figure out what might go where. All three at once? My imagination ran wild. There were 19 different rabbits to choose from. This is the beginners’ page?!

Next, I chose the dildo tab. Now that’s what I need . . . something that actually looks like a penis. Only there were 38 different kinds and many of them didn’t look like any dicks I had ever seen. They come that big in real life? Never in mine. What have I been missing?

My loins began to stir just looking at all the plastic penises—two pages’ worth. This was harder than picking out a zucchini. I settled on a nice mid-sized, mid-priced model that looked like a penis and not some appendage from an outer-space alien. And it was only $24.95.

I clicked, and another box popped up, sharing info on other things I very well could need to go with my plastic penis. They really have thought of everything on this site.

The first suggestion was lube. That makes sense. Toy cleaner. Oh yes, that’s a must. At least I’ll know where this penis has been, but still, cleaner is better.

Then something called “Make Me Cum” popped up onto the screen. No, wait, I don’t want that. I wanted to prolong my fun.Pass. And finally, mini nipple suckers, recommended for solo masturbation. Check. I added those to my cart. That’s when I was told I would receive a free mystery gift toy or CD. Hooray! But wait, there’s more! I was offered a five-piece ultimate orgasm kit. Yes, that’s what I’m talkin’ about.

It was time to check out. That’s when I hesitated, right before I clicked the “Pay Now” button. I felt like such a pervert. I reasoned that if I was a pervert for ordering a plastic penis by mail, at least I wasn’t alone. From the looks of the website, this company had sold more than a few plastic man replacement tools.

I couldn’t help myself. Before I placed my order, I opened another browser tab and Googled “sex toy sales.” I learned that sex toys are a $15-billion-a-year industry. I also found an article explaining sex toy sales per capita, which included a list of the 10 states that bought the most. Wyoming was number one! Guess it gets pretty lonely out there in the middle of nowhere. Alaska was number two. For the same reason, I suppose. Californians and New Yorkers didn’t even make the top 10. Guess they’re too busy enjoying the real thing, and I’m not talking about Coca-Cola.

That’s when one last thought crossed my mind: If I place this order, I could catapult Ohio into the top 10! A girl’s gotta try.

Click. Order submitted.

Let’s hear it for Ohio!

Pamela Frost, the co-creator of Not Your Mother’ Book…On Sex in which this story appears, always wanted to write a book on the subject. OK, she edited the book on it, and it turned out to be almost as much of a climax.

Pamela also co-created Not Your Mother’s Book . . . On Home Improvement, where she worked with many authors who were publishing virgins. Her gentle editing skills eased them to a massive orgasmic release when their first stories were published in that title.

Pamela’s debut novel Houses of Cards won an Independent Publishers Book Award in 2010. It’s the story of a family who tried to get rich quick flipping houses and their hilarious misadventures. The book is available on Amazon Kindle and in paperback. She’s also a contributing author in Cup of Comfort for Mothers and Daughters as well as many of the Not Your Mother’s Book editions.

Again, this story appears in “Not Your Mother’s Book…On SEX.” Coined by the Northern Star in their review as the “compilation of copulation” (http://bit.ly/1b3iTfe), this book is filled with 69—yes, 69—carnal stories about everything SEX!

2 Comments

Thank you for this fun and educational read. Now I won’t be able to look at zucchinis in the produce section without my mind wandering. If your ex got to keep his prick in the divorce settlement, you must not of had a very good lawyer. Ha!