Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Fall and Spring cleaning is something I have done automatically for years.I have had many comments from others over the years saying "I cannot believe you do this twice every year".

The windows are cleaned, anything that can be washed - blankets, quilts, dustruffles and on and on. I can remember when this included curtains or sheers. Not anymore as my last 5 homes have had nothing at windows but shutters that stay open except at night and sometimes a shade in a special area that might be pulled down because of hot sun or for privacy at night when I am up late and reading.

I wash all of my furniture with Murphy's Oil Soap. A friend commented the other day that she had never heard of anyone doing this. Most of my furnishings come from a different lifestyle of years ago. Old, from another era, and some of it carved. So this really gets them clean. The carving is just difficult to dust. Ceiling fans cleaned, screen porch and upstairs storage room and on and on.

So, I am in the middle of this habit in my new home. I really enjoy doing this. Want to get it out of the way before the final cleanup in my garden is here. Also need to organize my garage and clean my gardening tools. I will see if my soninlaws father will sharpen some of them and I will oil them, put them up for winter and when Spring arrives they will be ready for me to use. With all of this out of the way when the cold days arrive I will settle in and read. My pile of books continues to grow. I like the convenience of Amazon but it is almost to easy to order a book with a click of the finger.I find that their used books are in excellent shape and price is not much different then one I would find in a second hand book store. It also saves me time and gas!!

Also need to learn how to use my scanner so I can begin to post old pictures with memory journal entries.

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture, or write a letter, bake a cake, or plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need.

Dust if you must, but there is not much time with rivers to swim and mountains to climb, music to hear, and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.Dust if you must, but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain, and this day will not come round again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind. And when you go, and go must , you, yourself will make more dust.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Thursday I took a trip to my old homeplace. First time I had been back in 3 weeks. A beautiful sunny morning. A number of errands and a lot of these I like to take care of in a place where everything and everyone is more familiar. Also wanted to pick up some gift certificates to a place my brother inlaw frequents in Michigan. Thought this would be better then sending a flower or a book. Especially since he is not as fond of books as this lady. All was accomplished and I was headed back to the big city.

I no longer felt like I was in some kind of pit and my spirit was almost soaring. Trunk of car was loaded with 50 lbs of sunflower seeds for my birds. Also a huge bucket of manure from my friends old barn and bucket of black potting mixture from the nursery on her property. Both of these for my flower garden. Back seat held 3 huge chrysanthemums and some canned green beans and pear preserves. My car was full. Tape of praise music being played on a harp was echoing through the car, loud and clear. It almost seemed like I was floating along. Over and over in my mind came thoughts of Thankfulness. I was Happy.

At a street light I looked out the side window and could not help but smile.There was a woman on a small motorcycle. Helmet, trendy backpack, briefcase and I looked down and saw shoes with a heel and backless. I rolled down my window and exclaimed"you are really sharp, I do not know if you are 25 or 50 but if I was 20 years younger I would be doing this, but you need boots on". When the traffic light changed, she smiled at me, waved and went on her way. Simple pleasure that made me smile.

Friday, September 26, 2008

My online journal was a thought about 6 month's ago. I do not like referring to it as a blog. I like the sound of online journal. Acquaintances will reply "a blog" when I share I am writing my thoughts, day to day activities on gardening and family and some recipes and memoirs thrown in. I say "not a blog" it is an online journal.

About 8 months ago my Jamie kept sending me special online site's that she thought would interest me. I was burned out physically and emotionally from all that was involved in building my new home and moving. I kept thinking "I am not interested and do not have time for this" But I began to read a few and then Ronni's site and Marian's caught my eye. I immediately was impressed with their style of writing. I started commenting and my journal grew from there. So that I am writing almost daily is a total surprise to me and a gift that I am deeply thankful for. At this time of my life it has given me a new interest, challenge, new friends, and maybe a growing and learning experience. With the talent of all the blogs I read I sometimes wonder "why am I making my personal journal so public?" But if I follow the train of thought that it is for me, write it down, someday maybe a grandchild will find it interesting, or some soul that happens to read my entries, and that answers my question.

The first 7 people to respond to my journal were Liza, Beverly, Tabor, Gail , Mildred, Ronnie and Marion and my daughter Jamie.They are still commenting as I share.

I would never come as far as I have without Jamie's constant help and encouragement.The many times I felt like giving up and was so embarrassed to be continually calling her, she always replied "mama you are doing great". Everyone needs a daughter like this one of mine.

The other birthday is mine as we roll into October. I still have not come to terms with the number seventy. Fifty, Sixty were a breeze. Not a negative thought. I was full of life and energy and involved in a lot that is not happening at this time.So, don't ask, 70 something, will have to suffice. Inside on many days I still feel so vibrant and alive, and do not feel this chronological age. Then there are days that physical changes are becoming more apparent, everything seems to take longer, and I think ok you are in this third age and just accept it.

Please no comments that are scolding me as I share so honestly from my heart. I have always said that I wanted to age gracefully and everyday grow in wisdom. But it just seems like yesterday that I was 20 years younger.

I think what would I like to do that I have not done? Do I have a bucket list?There is really not a list. (oh, maybe a list of flowers, rocks, bird feeders and wind chimes oh, and my never ending request for MULCH). I miss my country home, riding lawn mower and my truck. Those thoughts are quickly dissipating. That time of life is now becoming a fond memory.I want good health, and would like to become "good" at photography and posting images. So maybe this is my list.

I have lived a full life. Sad times that were so extreme that I felt like I could not make it and times that the pleasure was so great that I felt like I was flying and would never come back to earth. Then a lot of those in between times. I have been fortunate to have lived a number of different life styles. But this present one is what is suppose to be and the real me at this particular time in my life. In my past I have made myself do things that I really did not want to do because I thought it was good for me. Or that I was pleasing someone. I could change my identity from housewife, mother, career woman, sex symbol, gardener at the drop of a hat. No more, I now listen to the voice of my heart. It has become very clear to me that I do not like being around a large number of people. I do better one on one. Maybe that is why I am enjoying this Online Journal so much.

I like the peace of my home and the company of those I love. My pleasures are simple. Maintaining my home, gardening, curling up with a book. Especially on a rainy or snowy day. Spending time with my children and grandchildren. A few special friends check in and then the many new online friends that are bringing me pleasure.

I do miss taking an occasional trip. Even short day trips. There really has not been that perfect travel companion.Either they are sick or have a sick husband or they are not interested or I do not want their company or other reasons . Also in times past I found out quickly that most women do not want to include another lady on trips with her husband and herself. I thought that would change as time went on but to date it has not changed.Even though I consider myself quite harmless.

To date, I have not felt comfortable taking off by myself. Would love staying in a small inn, a homeor a bed and breakfast and explore the countryside, markets, etc on my own. Oh how I miss the ocean. I love the water and at one time was going to relocate to a place on the water. I believe if the opportunity came about for me to be on the water once again that I would never return to this home. This is how being around water affects me. I have wanted to go back to Jamaica but have not felt comfortable taking this trip by myself. My son has said over and over again for me to take baby steps. Just take some short day trips by myself. It seems that something is always happening with my health, family, just life. To be truthful I have made every excuse possible. So maybe they are just desires that have not been strong enough for me to put into affect.

So a lot of thoughts that surface less and less frequently (but still surface) on travel or building a cabin on my country property and living like Thoreau, have not materialized. I truly never thought I would be without a soul mate at this stage of life. Considering all the applicants through the years. They all passed through. Doctors, lawyers and indian chiefs, rich man, poor man, beggar man and hopefully not thief. The last, I smile now and think every woman at 67 years of age should have this experience. They all offered a short diversion from my everyday interest. In the beginning of the friendship I would have the thoughts, is this the one, but my interest in them dissipated quickly. I am sorry that my poor children took some of these trips with me and probably wondered at times. But mom came out alright. Remember this mom did not enter the dating circuit until age 42. So I have arrived at a time where I am content with my company and being solo does not matter anymore. I am at peace and content in most ways. Is this not true happiness?

At the moment I sense in my heart that whatever is meant for me in my continued journey through this life will happen if it is meant to happen. I do not know how or when but I believe in miracles. My pathway of life over the last 32 years has been a miracle. I smile as I look back. When something seemed like the end it really was not the end, just another pathway opened up.

So I will continue on with my deep faith that all that this One Woman needs will always be there.Thanks for listening.

I must remember "I could not know what I know today if I weren't the age I am. I still have continual opportunities to grow"A line from the book "Meditations For Women Who Do Too Much"by Anne Wilson Schaef

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I was in a local grocery store about 3 months ago. A lady was buying a number of a green fruit that I really knew nothing about. I asked what they were and she said "Mango's". I asked if they were tasty. She said wonderful and went on the explain how good they were for you.

So I purchased several and brought them home.

How could I have gone all of my adult life without trying a Mango. They are delicious and it seems I crave 3 or 4 a week.

The nutritional value surprised me. Since my digestive system seems to give me problems I thought they might be really beneficial for me.

So as I looked up information about this fruit, I thought I would share with you in case you are as unknowledgable about Mango's as I was 3 months ago.

Monday, September 22, 2008

I wonder if it pleases anyone else when they find a penny? I guess it pleased me this afternoon and made me smile because of all that has been happening over the last 2 weeks.

I was anxiously awaiting my sons arrival from far away. My oldest daughter was having serious back problems, my Sadie over a period of 5 days became very sick and died. Then my sister had knee replacement and passed away. Also over the last week heard that a dear friends young daughter was once again on chemo for cancer.

Add to that problems with phone company over new service that became a nightmare. Talking to 8 different customer service people that each one told me something diffierent.

A free cell phone had been sent to me and then a bill arrived for 4 times what it should have been. I was told that I was sent the phone in error and to return the phone. No sooner had I returned the phone then I received a call, that I had been told that in error and they were sending me another phone. All of this going on when I needed the phone because of travel.

My children look at me with wondering eyes that seem to say, I take things too seriously and get emotional over small matters. This seems to happen more and more as time goes on. I want so to be calm. But at times I do not do too well.

My soninlaws mother wrote and said I was strong and I could handle all of this. I replied that I felt like running away.

So with all of this going on - when I left the phone store and started to open my car door - there it was a penny lying on the pavement in front of my car door.

I smiled a big smile for the first time in days. I thought my childish thought "this means I am going to have good luck". Send it my way, I want it!!!

So when I find penny's they have always made me smile but this special penny was like a gift to me. It lifted my spirit.

My mother kept a jar where she placed her found money. Penny's, nickels, quarters and even some more impressive found money. About 30 years ago I started doing this. So my penny was dropped in that special jar.

I remember when my little granddaughter was visiting one time and spotted this jar she replied "what's that jar grandma". I told her it was my found money. She seemed impressed.

I surely know that this entry will impress no one. But finding the penny this afternoon made me smile and I surely needed the uplifting sign. Guess it does not take much to make this One Woman smile.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Mother used to share that her grandmother sang this song to her. I can remember my mother singing this to my children and older grandchildren and lately when my two youngest granddaughters are with me I sing this. Many of these memories are shared with the rocking chair. When everyone was small I always loved to sit in my rocking chair and sing to them. That same rocking chair is in my big empty upstairs room.

Caitlin and Amelia love to sing. I love to sing but it seems I only sing when my granddaughters are with me. We love to sing in the car. We go through every song we know. Most of the time only a few of the words are remembered. On Wednesday at rest time I sing with Amelia.

Strange, this song came to mind this morning, as my sheets are tumbling in the washing machine. On this cooler and predicted sunny day, they are going on One Woman's city clothesline.

Go Tell Aunt Rhodie. I wondered is there even such a song. I clicked onto my information center to see if anything came up.Surprise, surprise, there it was, the words to this song.

So I am copying it so the girls and I can sing more then two stanza's.

Wonder if this is an old Southern folksong and maybe in other parts of country not heard of?

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I have a map of the United States on a plastic place mat that I purchased for my granddaughter's so they could become familiar with names of the states. This early morning while eating breakfast I found myself studying the map. The entire time I was thinking "where is the mindfulness". I am trying to do one thing at a time.

Comments from Oklahoma, Florida, Texas, Massachusetts. Probably many that are not coming to mind at the moment.

I find this exciting. Especially since my journal is about 5 months old.

Also friends that come about this way are not based on what we see visually or what someone might have, but it is based on what we share from our hearts by writing about our pleasures, our thoughts, dreams and shortcomings. We share images and by doing this we almost feel as though we are visiting one another.

By sharing this way it seems we connect with others in some kind of miraculous way. So since I am new to this online world, I find this exciting.

I can remembering in my prayer time making a request for new friends in my new neighborhood. So this prayer was not answered in exactly the way I expected.But then I have learned that my prayers are always answered but not in the way I would expect.

If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone. A man should keep his friendships in constant repair

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Jamie had to provide something for a fund raiser at work. Thought I would help her. She requested this recipe that mom has been making for over 40 years. Gave her a loaf and I have two left. Or rather one.I have ate almost a loaf. So good with my tea and milk. Sometimes I warm and put butter on it. Other times just room temperature with cream cheese on top.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Not carried in my womb, but carried in my heart. Mary came into a young woman's life when she was almost 4 years old and during the next 5 years and mom was around 27 years of age there were 3 more children added to our home. It was a difficult time. A young mother with a house full of children and many adjustments that caused a lot of turmoil. My dreams of the ideal marriage never became a reality. Mary was with me for about 15 years.

Mary is a beautiful young woman who lives in upper Michigan with her husband Dan and son William. William is studying engineering.

Mary shares many of my interests. Her love of home, cooking, and gardening. What she has that I do not is the opportunity to share the water. It is a love of mine that is not closely available. At present time she works at a doctors clinic part time.

My son-in-law Dan is multi-talented. Too many to almost share. But do not think there is anything that he can not build. He has designed a number of beautiful log homes and I have several magnificient pen and ink sketches of several of my homes that he did for me. I marvel at the detail in these pictures.

Jamie and Alan went to a Titan's football game, along with my grandson and a buddy of his from the university.

So, grandma had her girls.

They lifted my spirits and made me smile. So it was good to have them with me on Sunday.

One little comment that Amelia made when I asked her not to do something. She looked at me with almost tears in her eyes and said "grandma am I in trouble "oh no" I quickly replied "grandma just did not want you to do that."

I was super sensitive because of Sadie and they seemed super sensitive that day also.

Another happening - I have a hook on my screen porch that I put up very high so my grandchildren could not open the door to go outside. As we started to go outside and I said to Caity "wait grandma has to unhook the door" she states "I can do it" proceeds to take my broom and reach the handle up to the hook to remove it. I thought you are one smart little girl.

The question now is " what measures do I now take to keep the door hooked when they are visiting"????

I do not know how anyone can live without one small place of enchantment to turn to

Monday, September 8, 2008

First I want to thank all the bloggers who contacted me expressing sympathy for what is happening at this time with my Sadie. It truly touched me in a special way. I am new to this journaling world and it is beginning to seem like that in many ways I am closer to you dear friends then those I see and talk to in person.

I wonder why? I truly think it is because you can or rather I can express myself easier and more openly as I type away then when you sit and talk to someone.

Sadie is on my private retreat porch that is connected to my garage. I sit and talk to her.Stroking her head and tears will not stop.

I have only been close to death one other time and that was when my mother passed away 9 years ago. To be so aware of this happening is the saddest thing I have ever encountered.

I had another dog a number of years ago that I loved so dearly and circumstances came about that I had to give her to someone far away. I grieved over the loss of her so much that I said I would never love a dog that way again. I thought I love you Sadie but will not give you my heart. Well I guess I did not do too well. Sadie you captured my heart with always being close.

Always alerting me when someone was approaching our home. When I would sit on the porch and read you would come and sit beside me, waiting for me to pet you. Since only you and I are at this home it seemed I was always talking to you.

So, I am going to miss you. Miss you already. But your ashes will be spread over my garden.Since gardening is what I love to do and I am working in the earth almost daily, you will still be my constant companion. Everywhere I look in my garden I will see you. When I read on my porch I will visualize you sitting there in front of me.

So Miss Sadie you did an excellent job of capturing my Heart and there is no way that I could not love you.

Friday, September 5, 2008

I deleted all of the list of blogs I read.How in the world did I do that???Now having trouble relisting them.Be patient with me.A trip to the grocery.Just returned and Sadie still will not eat. Did not eat yesterday and I thought this might be part of our weather being so hot.She is the perfect little dog for me. I have never had a dog inside the house. She stays in the yard or on the screen porch at night. If it is storming or real cold she will come inside and lay at the back door. I adopted her from the shelter as a puppy. That was 7 years ago next month.I have an appointment with the vet in this area in an hour.I surely hope she is not seriously ill.

Returned from the Vet several hours ago and finally feel like I can leave a note.I was told she will probably not be here in a few days.I thought it was the heat but evidently her little body has been fighting something more then the weather. I was told they could do a lot of test to tell exactly what is wrong. But think she has cancer.

Mim and Darlene thank you for the notes.

Wonder what will I do in my new city cottage without my constant companion Miss Sadie?

If you ask me "what's new"I have nothing to sayExcept that the garden is growing.I'm content with the way things are going.There was drama enough in my turbulent past.Tears of passion. I've used up a tankful.No news is good new, and long may it last.If nothing much happens, I'm thankful.If you're after excitement, steer well clear of me.I want to go on being boring.I don't go to parties. Well, what are they for.If you don't need to find a new lover?You drink and listen and drink a bit more.And you take the next day to recover.Someone to stay home with was all my desire.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

My youngest granddaughter is with me on Wednesday. So it is a busy day. I have been busy scrubbing her bedroom rug. One I gave her last year and mom seemed to think I could clean it better then her. Early in the morning you can begin to feel Fall in the air and all of my plants are beginning to fade. I have hundreds of zennia's and early each morning have been deadheading and saving the blooms to continue to dry for seeds for next years garden. In my area as the morning progresses it quickly becomes very warm.

Too warm for me to be out in the garden.

This early morning I am continuing to practice my image skills.

I still have an abundance of flowers in bloom. The large bloom is a surprise from a home that was being sold, not far from my new cottage. It was sad to see the deteriorating gardens and I could see through my eyes that this was once a special sanctuary to the lady that is now in a nursing home. I bought the freezer from this home and the son took his shovel and gave me a clump from a plant that turned out to have this bloom yesterday morning. This came about because I shared how much I loved gardening and wanted to walk through the old garden. I could see the brick paths, the many areas where this lady had once worked in the earth. What is sad is that this home will be sold, torn down and ground escavated for a new home. The old gardens will only be a memory for those who once viewed them.

My basil is going full speed and my Knockout Roses are still in full bloom.

About Me

This Journal is being written for my pleasure, my children and my grandchildren. Sharing some of my past, present and thoughts for future. It is the Journal of a sensitive soul who has entered her 8th decade. My life journey has taken me down a lot of roads with many twists and turns. It's not the journey that I would have visualized at the age of 25 when a third child was on the horizon. I love the warmth of the sun, sound of rain, a crackling fire, simplicity and elegance. Find pleasure in sitting on my porch with tea in a china cup and digging in the earth. I am more myself at this time of life than ever before. A considerable part of my past was in the business world, multi tasking and being super organized. Today I am trying to simplify and be more mindful. Also learning about this journey through aging and Sjogren's Syndrome.
It is not as easy as I thought, even though I have a lot of solitude at this time of life. My days fly by and I do not think I have enough time left on earth to do and experience all that is the desire of my heart.
One thing I am sure of is that I could not make it on this journey without my daily prayer and meditating time.