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Idea #19: Bio fashion

Is that an arse on your head or are you just wearing a coat of leaves? Either way, I'm pleased to see you.

When I look at this picture of the mythical Chinese sovereign Fu Xi, I’m not sure which strikes me more: the arse shape of his head, or the fact that his coat is made of leaves. Despite straining my brains, I can’t come up with any ideas relevant to Fu Xi’s former facet, so this idea will be related to the latter: the leaf coat.

Idea #19: Bio fashion

The leaf coat is an under-explored item of outerwear, and you know it is. When was the last time you ever saw anyone wear a leaf coat? Was there even a first time? Fur coats left, right and centre, yet not one soul in this so-called age of eco recycled sustainable organic stuff have I, personally, EVER seen wearing a coat of leaves. I have not even seen leaves featured in a coat!

You can already see that the true human clothing cycle should be fur coats in the winter and leaf coats in the summer. Add in even mild ethical concerns and we’re just left with a unisex coat of eco recycled sustainable organic leaves, a perfect fit for the current climate-concern culture.

From a business point of view, too, does it not make total sense? Once you invest in a sewing machine (pedal powered – carbon footprint, exercise), your raw materials can be obtained gratis from the park. Yes, probably a fair few man hours needed until you get the hang of it, but what could be more relaxing than sewing a coat of leaves?

Then, will you not find it easy to spread the word about your new product? Through the worldwide network of optical fibres, will you not be able to find one solitary, quivering nutcase to buy your ridiculous creation for a premium? Of course you will!

Yet you can also see that a leaf coat will barely be a practical solution in the long-term. With a pang of injured pride, I can feel the first tears in the seams of this idea within a week, I can see the dry and withering mess it will become.

But there is a solution!

The key market for bio fashion lies in one-off garments. That means wedding dresses and designer dresses for things like celebrities.

And the great thing is this just means you can sell your bio fashion for an even more ridiculous price, requiring your customers to take out several payday loans before they can even contemplate buying a leaf dress. Which, of course, they will.

Why do they get it from you? Because you’re the only person doing it, therefore your creations are renowned and you quickly become the expert and leader in your field.

Why do they get it at all? Because in a world of mass produced artifacts, people who can be bothered are desperate to find unique, exclusive items. What could be more exclusive than something that can only last a few days and simultaneously displays their trendy at-oneness with nature?

As you become more comfortable with your new found abilities, you can turn your ambitions to bio fashion flower dresses. None of this is as ridiculous as it sounds. Here’s a creation from Bio Fashion Week, held a few months ago in Columbia:

Risk of anaphalactic shock

A girl told me to write this.

Update (18/2/10)

It seems that the Dutchman Mr. Marc Frencken was ahead of the times on this one. He sent in this photo of himself sporting a very respectable unisex garment of bio fashion:

A wedding portrait for the 21st century

Mr Frencken, how did you construct this bio garment?

This bio garment is constructed of the actually (and I know I am letting you down here) not-so-bio material called plastic. It is a more robust prototype of a future-to-build real leafy version.

Was there a special occasion?

The occasion was last year’s halloween. Dressing up in this ‘leaf suit’ I gave myself the simple name: Bush!

And the lady?

The lady, logically, is sexy Mrs. Bush!

Anyone interested in getting their hands on a pair of the shutter shades Mr. Frencken is sporting in tasteful combination with his bio garb, please contact him at marc [doot] frencken [aat] gmail [doot] com.

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