A 'free play' experiment

My friend Kendra recently conducted a short but nerve-wracking experiment with her two boys, ages 7 and 9. “Go out and play,” she told them. “Don’t come in until dinner time.”

One of her boys wasn’t sure what to do. Kendra, meanwhile, vowed that she wouldn’t check in on them for at least an hour, an unusual promise, given that children in her suburban neighborhood are rarely unsupervised, with no prearranged playdate, activity or lesson.

But Kendra also worried that her children weren’t getting enough free play, or play not directed by adults. Over the last half century, children’s free play has declined sharply; that drop correlates with an increase in feelings of anxiety, depression, suicide and narcissism in kids, according to The American Journal of Play.

That’s not to say a lack of free play directly causes emotional harm. But researchers now believe that play is about more than fun and entertainment. It also promotes mental health by allowing children to learn how to make decision, solve problems, exert self control, follow rules and regulate emotions. Play can also help kids learn how to make friends and get along with others as equals, said Peter Gray, a research professor of psychology at Boston College and a guest editor of the American Journal of Play.

“Because we have deprived children of the opportunity to learn things in play, they are not growing up as psychologically resilient as they should and narcissistic,” said Gray. “They are less and less empathetic. Play is how children learn; this is the way they learn to get along with others as equals.”

Still, parents battle three major anti-play forces: technology/screen time, our obsession with safety and hyper-education or hyper-academics, or for example, the Tiger parent philosophy, said Dr. Anthony DeBenedet, co-author of The Art of Roughhousing. The problem is cyclical: once there are fewer kids outside, it’s less attractive for other kids to go out. And if your child’s friends are scheduled in clubs, lessons or other organized activities, there’s no one left to play with.

“We have this view that it’s the adult’s responsibility to continuously guide and instruct children and have lost the idea that children learn so much on own,” said Gray.

For the first hour, Kendra managed not to check in on her boys; then she stretched it to 90 minutes. Finally, unable to stop worrying that something bad had happened or that neighbors thought she was an irresponsible slacker mom, she went in search of her children.

When she finally tracked them down, she found they were among a group of children, crouched low in the alley. They briefly acknowledge her, then returned to business, lifting up rocks and plucking fat worms from the ground for a friend’s lizard.

Kendra walked away, feeling slightly triumphant, though she was still shaken by the stress of not being able to immediately find her boys. At first she wasn’t sure she’d repeat the experiment. But now she knows she just needs a little practice.

“We're so accustomed to that feeling of knowing where our kids are at every given moment,” she said. “So maybe it was a healthy exercise for everyone, something that I'll need to practice to feel comfortable with.”

Recognizing the value of free play is an important first step in reclaiming it, said Gray.

Here are some other tips on getting your kids to play:

• EVANGELIZE: Gray suggests getting to know the other families in the neighborhood and talking with them about the value of free play. Ask, whether there’s something you can organize in the neighborhood”

• REDUCE: Try cutting down on the number of adult-guided activities your children are in and create space and opportunity for children to get together, said Gray. “What is a 4-year-old really learning in a karate class?” asked Gray. “He would be getting more exercise chasing another child around a building, which is what kids really love to do: run, chase, tumble, play fight, climb trees.”

• EMBRACE BOREDOM. Most of what children call boredom is really loneliness or emotional isolation, said Cohen. “So when a child says she is bored, don’t rush to come up with excitement for them,” he advised. “Give them a big hug, brainstorm getting some more peer connection, and set aside time to play with them. Their creativity and engagement will blossom. TV and computers play a big role here—they are always available and always offer excitement, or at least the chance for passive blobbiness—so a child never has to rely on creativity and engagement.”.

• VACATION WITH OTHER FAMILIES. Adults can talk to other adults and kids can play with kids. This could also result in an age-group mix; Gray’s research has shown mixed-age play is far more educationally useful than play of kids all same age.