Thursday, June 19, 2008

Local starlette Slug Scott recently went under the knife at Emory Medical Center, the most credible experimental surgery locale in the city. She's been contemplating this gender transformation for sometime now, but no one anticipated this Nip/Tuck quite so soon.

The permanent birthmark on the eye diminishes all speculation that this surgery didn't occur. You tell us, was the surgery a success? Did this sex-pot turn the corner to hot-piece-o-penis? Pictures below the belt will be released at a later date.

Papers filed at the Fulton County Courthouse show it's name has been changed to 'Larry Jay Scott'.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

It was a total shock in the community when local rocker M.Lo was found incomprehensible during a wild night of partying in St. Simons Island. Gang Bangin was always a part of the community calender, but no on ever assumed Ruffies would be used and a Mexicano would be taken advantage of. Toxicology reports confirm that M.Lo was abused (yes i'm watching a.m.w. as i type this) and d.n.a. confirms three sluts took advantage of him.

Either you're in "the know" or in "the not". It has to be "one or the other". Despite your social stature, you had to hear this week that Brangelina had their two AMAZING BABIES OF BEAUTIFUL GRACE. And then other outlets, reported that our truly CHERISHED SPAWN OF THE MAGNIFICENT didn't manifest. Here you see a picture of community members responding to the news of the latter. It was truly devastating.

It seems after constant turmoil in the new Atlanta band "Tornado Town", we've found America's Pete Doherty. Obviously blessed with talent and good looks, Tornado Town's Ben ThrowHer has had enough with the drama and contant ego manipulation of chasing the scene. We know he's got what it takes, but these pics show our fave lady-lover-looker-player-band-player-swinger is about to check into rehab. We see a mental breakdown on the horizon. Check it. You tell us, does our wine-swiggin boy need head medz or just some teeth bleechin?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Tonight Dry Ink Magazine celebrates its 2-year anniversary with a star-studded event at The Star Bar. Rumor has it that Scott Baio is in town and will show up to support the All Night Drug Prowling Wolves on-stage with some back up vocals. The Wolves are reportedly super nervous about Baio upstaging their performance. The intimidation is only heightened by Baio's extensive music career, spanning back to 1982 with this record album that shot up the billboard charts. During this era, Baio reportedly received 5,000 letters a week from adoring fans.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

BREAKING NEWS ALERT! We've just been informed there's a new underground rift rising up in the ATL. And this ain't between the Crip-lantans and The Dick-haters. "The Front Room" of MJQ has declared war on "The Back Room"! Holy fucking shit!

Going in "The Front Room" has long been considered committing Hipster Hari kari. But now the F wants to revive its late '90s glory days, and it seems the only way to steal this scene is to take on "The Back Room". And what better way to do so than by leaving a note on one of those poles outside Green's Package. Our street team delivered it to our offices a few moments ago...

Dear Back Room and The Stupid Unicorn,

Y'all are bitches. We were here first. WE had the make-out room. WE ruled Brit-pop (you don't even know what that shit is). WE had that fucking hole in the girls bathroom where you could see in the guys. What do you have except douchey bands and flat ironed hair? Hmm? Fuck this shit. We hate y'all.

Love (NOT), The Front Room

So yeah, you heard it here first. We'll keep you updated with any developments.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Blonde Bombshell K-Hutch-Sanchez was charged in East Point this morning for over-feeding local cats in her neighborhood. Known for her fatal aggression towards these gentle creatures, local residents claimed that they weren't surprised at all to find out who was behind this sinister plot.

Hundreds of cases of Whiskas, a brand of cat food high in fat content, were seized after a thorough search of Ms. Sanchez' property and basement. An anonymous source, who gave testimony two-doors-down-on-the-left of the scene, reported over-hearing Ms. Hutch-Sanchez saying "I was trying to explode 'em!".

Locals are perplexed by such bizarre behavior. A neighborhood association meeting is scheduled for Saturday at 11 a.m. An episode of 'Celebrity Fit Club' will air immediately following.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Friday, March 21, 2008

A local Keno temptress has fell off the gambling wagon and joined the ranks of women at the Vinings Senior Citizen Academy of Gamblers Anonymous Over The Chatahoochee Line and Also Over 55 Years Old Club. The machines paid off well today at the Picadilly, awarding Ms. Scott $1.25 big ones. Congrats chica!It really is an amazing coincidence considering her po-folks won 10 thousand pennies in the Arkansas "Lot" back in 87' puttin lil' Laura through college in which she gained her Home Economics degree.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

In a desperate attempt at Thinspiration, droves of local gals are turning to the latest craze: Drunkorexica. Straight from across the pond, this is the act of replacing meals with wine and beer in hopes of saving calories and fitting into those skinny, high-wasted jeans.

While still on the downlow, it seems a City Senorita is taking the trend a bit too far. Below are photos from a single day. Each one taken at a different meal.

Breakfast

Lunch

Dinner

Snack

Let's hope her plan works before it's time for Macy's after Easter sale.

After endless minutes of consideration, we've decided that ATL's most prestigious honor-to-date has to be the following post. Sadly, the original photo was lost during this past weekends unfortunate twister, so we've constructed a new one to reinact actual events.

All of you Atlantans are superstars to us, but only one of you was actually chosen by Christian Dior to model their runway show in Gay Pari. Only one of you managed to combine high fashion, sex appeal, homosexuality, and controversy all in one year. This makes choosing ATLWeekly's one year anniversary post a breeze.

And to THE DESIGNER, THE MODEL, AND BRONNER BROS CARROT OIL, we are so thankful for giving us another hole to ram! WE LOVE YOU ATL!!!!!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Any guesses on which fit-and-fine Atlantan took to the roadways this past week with just a duffel bag, two dreams, and a Snickers bar? Find out who after the jump. ++++++++++++++That's right, you guessed it...it's him, ATLWeekly's most over-exposed fame seeker, BenAgain.

Recent speculation of rocker T-Chung and his pornography past has sent the local music scene into damage control mode. Scattering to keep this frontman and his bandmates from fading into a pool of saturated controversy, the community is gathering together to show support for local favorites The Selmanaires. However, since this story broke, some disloyal cowards are trying to make a buck out of any-and-all scandalous Chung images. We encourage everyone to just grow up and concentrate on what's most important, the music.

May I begin that the Criplantans organization understands and appreciates the role that ATLWeekly plays in our hood. We also, whole heartedly, believe in the media's unquestionable right to report on the news as it sees fit, without fear of censure.

However, the members of the Criplantans request, that in the future, no "identifiable" photographs of members be published. We feel that the recent article, "Pop!Pop!," a fair and accurate account of recent gang activity, went to far in publishing current photos of active gang members.

This request is honestly made with the safety of members and their families in mind. The Criplantans look forward to the future of these SE ATL streets we call home. We believe in the future of our brotherhood and ATLWeekly Magazine, and the great things we can accomplish as a community.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

There's a turf war rising up in the back streets of the ATL. Seems the city folks are angry at Decatur for letting peeps drink 'til 4am. What started as an innocent egging of Trackside has now turned into a full blown conflict. And it looks like things are about to get worse...

Two Criplantans were seen at the Walmart on Howell Mill stocking up on new Ammo. Guess they really want those Dick-haters to know 2am is it! Watch your back, people. Your antique stores and Ruby Tuesdays ain't got nothing on Atlantic Station.

Today at ATL headquarters, Fantasia Barino has stopped by and is belting out tracks in another room preparing for her upcoming tour. Our office is typically flushed with informants, today being no exception. One of our whistle-blowers, now deaf too, had the following synopsis of her vocal ability..."it's like a wild horse being stabbed over and over". We agree.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Everyone remembers the prostitution ring that wreaked havoc amongst Duluth residents back in January of last year. Loud parties, sexily clad women in the driveway, constant cUMings and goings...but it wasn't till den madams, "Melissa Wolf" (former Penthouse Pet) and "Naughty Nikki" got busted on the www for advertising services that ranged from $300 one-hour photo shoots to "dream dates" that included 1 hour sHOws...that feces hit the fan (run-on-sentence).

The Sugarloaf Country Club mansion was raded and months later these LET.ME.SUCK.YOU.RAW residents were indicted on drug, prostitution, and racketeering charges. Oddly enough you thought this story was over...until now.

Exclusively we've learned that top ATL HO-NO's KHutch and LizBo have been questioned by authorities in connection with this ring. Incriminating photos of their excapades were seized when the APD invaded their homes, and we must say, we're pretty convinced these laIDes have definitely been poking someone-not-right's pickle.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Three-Legged Cowboy Club reunited last night for their annual manhole meeting at The Earl. Spies snapped a shot of the events' most flavorful attention-grabbers. After this pic was taken, we're told they backed-up to the bar where they deep-throated Sex on the Beach shooters, then rushed over to Traders for their Buy-One-Take-3/4-Off Sale.

As rival gangs continue to stir up trouble, Atlantans are being forced to pick sides. The city is way scared. These bad motherfuckers are obviously threatening and capable of imposing grave danger on innocent civilians. Be careful out there.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

We sited this local Atlantanite leaving the Golds Gym in Duluth on Tuesday night and couldn't help but notice that his muscles are pumping. We're sure he's put in long hours of hard work, and that steroids have not been a factor. Can you recognize who owns these muscle-pulsing-tan-rocks-of-steal? Find out who after the jump.++++++++++++++That's right, a drastic change from his normal streetwear look, P. Hill really goes to great lengths to keep his bod undercover. We predict these efforts are for warding off the voluptuous rock star types that he is constantly in contact with. Which look do you prefer? Should P.Hill keep it covered or take it all off?

Monday, January 28, 2008

Fresh from a night of rocking The Jinx in Savannah, the All Night Drug Prowling Wolves hit the road early on Sunday in anticipation of arriving back home to Atlanta. What happened next, no one could have expected.

Sources are slowly coming forward to reveal there was a sinister plot brewing to keep the boys from getting home in one piece. As soon as reaching the town of Dublin, the rockers fell victim to an explosive car bomb.

What we're now learning is that rival band, Gentlemen Jesse and His Men, ignited the bomb. Obviously peeved by the Wolves insistance on playing an encore the evening before (a blatant attempt at scene-stealing), Jesse put together an elaborate scheme to shut the rival rockers up. Little did he know, one of his own Men was in the Wolves van - and because of his small stature could have been the first to blow.

However, thanks to Mlo's quick thinking and extensive mechanic experience, all musicians and equipment were removed from the van before the explosion lit up HWY-16.

Authorities and firefighters worked the scene, where all charred remains have been taken into custody. We expect there will be charges filed.

Friday, January 25, 2008

We're having some difficulty deciphering whether we should be concerned about one of our favorite local scenesters. However, with anorexia and pot smoking on the rise, it's not worth taking any chances here. It appears local rockstar Mlo's head is shrinking!

We're not sure if the lost size has been transferred to Ben and Joe's very large mugs, or if it's just lost somewhere in the Earl. What we do know is he's gonna have a rough ass time getting that giant cider in his itty bitty mouth.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

It's true, hard to believe. But after an exuberant number of submissions (THIRTEEN), The Guinness Book of World Records has released that a new record has been set. We're pleased and proud to announce that one of Atlanta's own has accomplished what no other could without a very specific genetic nucleotide..."World's Longest Nose"! This is obviously a product of selective breeding and we'll be sure to keep you apprised of any new genetic recombinations and linkages.

Friday, January 11, 2008

It appears that Bret Michael's new quest for love has had a devastating effect on Lay Down Mains guitarist, Rickky. With its immense awesomeness, the second season premiere of Rock of Love has caused half the city to take to their TV sets, totally disregarding Rickky's big three-five. In fact, a recent party made in Rick's honor took a drastic turn when Michaels came onto the scene. All attendees scoffed at Rick's attempt for a steak dinner, opting instead to wear bandanas and drink Bret's Brew.

But, according to a secret source, the lack of interest in Rick's Birthday comes not from Bret's new babes, but rather from the city's disgust at Rickky's recent appointment to Second in Command of the Macon based Kneeloons. Looks like Rickky's tour may just have ended here.

Late last week, two local musicians survived three days stranded in a cave without booze, clean Dickies shirts, or their guitars. They apparently bid their time by writing new lyrics for thier band, such as the soon-to-be #62 hit below:

The forest is greenand I am white.I'm so sadthere's no El Myr tonight.

When asked what they did to keep warm, both looked at each other and winked. Seems we don't really want to know.

This just in! Four highly recognizable faces were overcome with toxic pot smoke during a recent trip to the Mountains. After several close calls at the Transylvania County Health Clinic (including a Herpes scare), the foursome headed back to the cabin to relax and repeatedly watch I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

Despite the continuous on-slot of gayness, they did not escape unharmed. Within a few hours, strange effects began to emerge. What, you ask? Well, almost simultaneously they had the sudden urge to put on their pajamas and break out some reggae jams. The secretly taped footage (hence the awkward angle) can be seen below. It was later rumored they all engaged in a nude eating binge, but no proof has been found.