Frequently Asked Questions

How can I get support after a LGBT loved one has come out to me?PFLAG offers local support and education
all across the country. Members in PFLAG chapters know what you’re
going through and can help. You may be experiencing an array of emotions
such as grief, guilt, and denial, and you could be facing new questions
about your relationship with your LGBT loved one. Whatever your
reaction, remember that your loved one is sharing one part of his/her
identity with you and is ultimately the same person as yesterday.

How are sexual orientation and gender identity determined?No
one knows exactly how sexual orientation and gender identity
determined. However, experts agree that it is a complicated matter of
genetics, biology, psychological and social factors. For most people,
sexual orientation and gender identity are shaped at any early age.
While research has not determined a cause, homosexuality and gender
variance are not the result of any one factor like parenting or past
experiences. It is never anyone's "fault" if they or their loved one
grows up to be LGBT.

If you are asking yourself why you or your
loved one is LGBT, consider asking yourself another question: Why ask
why? Does your response to a LGBT person depend on knowing why they are
LGBT? Regardless of cause, LGBT people deserve equal rights and to be
treated fairly.

Is there something wrong with being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender?No.

There
have been people in all cultures and times throughout human history who
have identified themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender
(LGBT). Homosexuality is not an illness or a disorder, a fact that is
agreed upon by both the American Psychological Association and the
American Psychiatric Association. Homosexuality was removed from the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of the American Psychiatric
Association in 1974. Being transgender or gender variant is not a
disorder either, although Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID) is still
listed in the DSM of the American Psychiatric Association. Being LGBT is
as much a human variation as being left-handed - a person's sexual
orientation and gender identity are just another piece of who they are.
There is nothing wrong with being LGBT - in fact, there's a lot to
celebrate.

Discriminatory laws, policies and attitudes that
persist in our schools, workplaces, places of worship and larger
communities, however, are wrong and hurt LGBT people and their loved
ones. PFLAG works to make sure that LGBT people have full civil rights
and can live openly, free from discrimination and violence.

Can gay people change their sexual orientation or gender identity?No – and efforts to do so aren’t just unnecessary – they’re damaging.

Religious
and secular organizations do sponsor campaigns and studies claiming
that LGBT people can change their sexual orientation or gender identity
because there is something wrong. PFLAG believes that it is our
anti-LGBT attitudes, laws and policies that need to change, not our LGBT
loved ones.

These studies and campaigns suggesting that LGBT
people can change are based on ideological biases and not peer-reviewed
solid science. No studies show proven long-term changes in gay or
transgender people, and many reported changes are based solely on
behavior and not a person's actual self-identity. The American
Psychological Association has stated that scientific evidence shows that
reparative therapy (therapy which claims to change LGBT people) does
not work and that it can do more harm than good.

How does someone know they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender?Some
people say that they have "felt different" or knew they were attracted
to people of the same sex from the time they were very young. Some
transgender people talk about feeling from an early age that their
gender identity did not match parental and social expectations. Others
do not figure out their sexual orientation or gender identity until they
are adolescents or adults. Often it can take a while for people to put
a label to their feelings, or people's feelings may change over time.

Understanding
our sexuality and gender can be a lifelong process, and people
shouldn't worry about labeling themselves right away. However, with
positive images of LGBT people more readily available, it is becoming
easier for people to identify their feelings and come out at earlier
ages. People don't have to be sexually active to know their sexual
orientation - feelings and emotions are as much a part of one's
identity. The short answer is that you'll know when you know.

Should I talk to a loved one about his or her sexual orientation or gender identity before the person talks to me?It’s
seldom appropriate to ask a person, "Are you gay?” Your perception of
another person’s sexual orientation (gay or straight) or gender identity
(male or female) is not necessarily what it appears.

No one can
know for sure unless the person has actually declared that they are
gay, straight, bisexual, or transgender. PFLAG recommends creating a
safe space by showing your support of LGBT issues on a non-personal
level. For example, take an interest in openly discussing and learning
about topics such as same-sex marriage or LGBT rights in the
workplace. Learn about LGBT communities and culture. Come out as an
ally, regardless of if your friend or loved one is LGBT.

Read PFLAG’s Dos and Don’ts for Friends and Families
to get some tips should the “coming out day” happen. Your ultimate
goal is to provide a safe space for your loved one to approach you when
he or she is ready without fear of negative consequences.

How do I come out to my family and friends?There
are many questions to consider before coming out. Are you comfortable
with your sexuality and gender identity/expression? Do you have
support? Can you be patient? What kind of views do your friends and
family have about homosexuality and gender variance? Are you
financially dependent on your family? Make sure you have thought your
decision through, have a plan and supportive people you can turn to.
Just as you needed to experience different stages of acceptance for
yourself, family and loved ones may will need to go through a similar
process.

PFLAG was founded because of the unconditional love of
parents for their gay children. Your loved ones will need time to
adjust to your news, the same way you may have needed time to come to
terms with yourself. However, true acceptance is possible and happens
every day, especially with education and support.

Consider talking to someone from your local PFLAG chapter for more personalized tips and support.

Can gay people have families?Yes!
LGBT people can and do have families. Same-sex couples do form
committed and loving relationships. In the United States many same-sex
couples choose to celebrate their love with commitment ceremonies or
civil unions, although these couples are not offered the rights and
benefits of marriage. More and more LGBT couples are also raising
children together, although state laws on adoption and foster parenting
vary. And of course, many LGBT people have the support of the loving
families they were born into, or the families that they have created
with their other friends and loved ones. As the saying goes, all it
takes is love to make a family.

How can I reconcile my or my loved one's sexual orientation with my faith?This
is a difficult question for many people. Learning that a loved one is
LGBT can be a challenge if you feel it is at odds with your faith
tradition. However, being LGBT does not impact a person's ability to be
moral and spiritual any more than being heterosexual does. Many LGBT
people are religious and active in their own faith communities. It is up
to you to explore, question and make choices in order to reconcile
religion with homosexuality and gender variance. For some this means
working for change within their faith community, and for others it means
leaving it.

Why should I support lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality?LGBT
rights are not special rights. PFLAG works to achieve equal civil
rights for all people, including our LGBT loved ones. Our LGBT
children, friends and family members deserve the same rights as our
straight ones. However, discrimination based on sexual orientation and
gender identity is still legal in many states, a LGBT person can be
fired from their job simply because of who they love or how they express
their gender, same-sex couples cannot legally be married in the
majority of states in the United States, LGBT youth face constant
harassment and abuse in schools across the country, and it is clear that
the road to full equality and acceptance is a long one.

Because of all of these realities, PFLAG needs you to stand up and join us in our work to move equality forward.