things I think I think at any particular moment in time

I turned 30…am turning 30 today…whatever. I forget what time I was born. For all intents and purposes, I’m 30.

I have mixed feelings about it. I’m not a big birthday party guy, nor am I a big presents guy. I just want people to acknowledge me. Some folks have commented on my Facebook wall and I am content with that. It’s a milestone age, but at the same time I don’t feel any different, nor do I expect anything to change because I’m 30. It’s just…not that big of a deal. But I kind of want it to be a big deal.

Acknowledgement. That’s something that I want to delve further into. I’m not sure why acknowledgement is so much more important to me than material things. When somebody acknowledges me…my mere existence, or my presence…it makes me feel good. I wonder if it is the act of somebody else reaching out to me that means so much. That they are taking the initiative to leave their own comfort zone, perhaps. That they are welcoming me into their world.

Anyway, I have been extremely busy the last few weeks. The Philadelphia trip went very well. Kiddo and I have been busy at rehearsals for the next show at the theatre. I have been seeing J regularly, we still text throughout the day.

I’ve been avoiding my regular theatre friends…some of them showed up after a rehearsal and they invited us to go along to Chilis for lunch, but I just didn’t feel like it. I’m still feeling upset/frustrated/sad/I don’t know toward them. The Walking Dead starts next month and I think they are planning on having the viewing parties again but I am just not as excited about it as before. I think it all centers around P and how things went with that. I saw P at the theatre the other day, she overheard me talking about my Philly trip and how I ate a cheese steak and she asked where I got it from and I kind of blew her off, I said I didn’t remember. I really didn’t remember, but I also didn’t stop everything I was doing to talk to her. I want to destroy any idea that I might still be interested in her. I spent the last year trying so hard to get out of my comfort zone and express my interest in her and it never went anywhere, which is really frustrating. My heart still skips a beat when I see her. But I want to crush that feeling. I don’t want to feel it anymore. It sucks.