Yesterday, I told you about how Sam Jackson, being the awesome dude he is, offered fans the chance to submit a 300-word monologue, from which Jackson would read whichever one got the most upvotes on Reddit. You know, for charity. And because who doesn’t love watching Sam Jackson say crazy stuff? While a big part of me hoped that this would finally be the moment that would bring Rebecca Martinson out of retirement to drop another foul-mouthed boner screed on us (I love her so much), comedian/writer/Bob’s Burgers and Archer voice Eugene Mirman has submitted a monologue of his own, and I think even Becca Cuntpunt would have trouble topping this one. It’s “Newsflash you stupid cocks” vs. “fill my pussy with cream cheese!” It’s like trying to pick a favorite child.

God, I’m so sleepy. My elbow hurts. My knees are bruised. I’ve been up for hours trying to literally fill her pussy with cream cheese. Why? I don’t know. Started as a joke and then a dare. We were all drunk and I think I ate a pot-scone, and then — BAM! — “Fill my pussy with cream cheese! I f*cking dare you!” I’m sure of two things — she’s got balls and also, she does not actually have balls. But it’s not even f*cking real cream cheese. She’s vegan (and actually, a really, really great singer-songwriter). So, it’s actually tofu cream cheese with scallions or some-sh*t. Can’t even believe we found some down here. Whatever.

I’ll be honest, for the first five minutes it was actually a pretty neat-o thing to get to do. Still, now, hours later, how is there still room for more cream cheese? I’m pretty sure her pussy is eating it! Ha! Who would’ve thought that a month after a coordinated terrorist strike on most of the world’s nuclear reactors, I’d be in some bunker in Amherst, MA with a bunch of 20-somethings, drinking, doing dumb dares, and waiting to see if the world was still around?

I didn’t really play Truth or Dare growing up — once when I was 16, I had my first kiss, and then 30 years later on a flight from Newark to LA when some guy from Cold Play dared me to yell at him until he sh*t himself. 4 minutes 58 seconds. I’m a scary motherf*cker.

It’s funny, down here, I’ve had the time to work on lots of projects I never had a chance to — I built a blowjob glove that works in the dark and re-recorded R.E.M.’s Automatic For the People with more swears. Goodnight, friend. I f*cking love you.

I would pay a lot of money to be in that man’s head for an hour. Anyone who could write that third paragraph and not spend his days wearing six dirty jackets from goodwill and muttering at pigeons is a savant. It’s like God made a schizophrenic but forgot to flip the last switch, and now we have a guy who can rant about cheese-filled pussies and bathe himself. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Eugene Mirman is an X-Man.