Someone let us do the ARIAs red carpet and now we’re anxious that we’re going to get fired.

You see, we… did shit. And it’s not even our fault (except it’s a little bit our fault).

The moment we arrived we knew there was going to be a problem. “Oh, yes” we remembered. “We don’t know anything about the cool music these days.”

We revisited the list of all the big names that would be attending – Five Seconds of Summer, Rita Ora, Keith Urban, Amy Shark, Vance Joy, Dean Lewis.

What is a Five Seconds of Summer and what does it do?

YAY 11 SECONDS OF AUTUMN!

After a few minutes, a children's band named Lah-Lah speak to us, and yes, they have a banjo. We have some questions we prepared earlier, and we launch straight into one of them: when you're doing a wee-wee in the toilet and you can hear someone next to you fumbling with the toilet paper and it's clear you're going to come out at the same time and have to make some small talk WHO WOULD YOU LIKE THAT PERSON TO BE PLEASE?

Our favourite part is that he didn't say Keith Urban, because Keith Urban doesn't go to the toilet. Everyone knows that.

Next, a person who we refuse to call a man because he was a boy, is interviewed by the people next to us, and takes himself so seriously that he beat-boxes under his breath as he walks up to them. Do you understand what that looks like? Do you?

He is wearing what appears to be a tracksuit and honestly shouldn't he be at school, it's 3pm on a Wednesday.

We see Taylor Henderson coming, and that's a face we know from Australia's Got Talent 2010! How exciting!

Bach Chat: WE MADE IT!

The Recap

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No we're very bad at this. Watch Clare and Jessie failing at the ARIAs. Post continues after video.

Next is Samantha Jade, who told us her house flooded this morning because of the rain and honestly we're surprised more people didn't call in sick for the ARIAs. While we're chatting, the person next to us gets so brutally snubbed by a famous television host who we shan't be namingand it's... hilarious. The look on the host's face is one of exasperation and hatred of a) the media and b) everyone.

That's when something bizarre happens.

Amongst the crowd, we spot a familiar face. But not familiar in the way we expected. It's Ryan from Married at First Sight and SIR. WHY are you HERE. You have no business being here.

We ask him precisely three questions.

Why are you here?

Nah but seriously why are you here?

Mate, why the f*ck are you here?

He answers: "HAHAHA I HAVE NO IDEA BUT PROBS WON'T BE INVITED NEXT YEAR HAHAHA" and no srsly why.

No srsly why.

He doesn't know. We don't know. But we're professional journalists so we take the opportunity to ask the hard questions.

"So are you following Davina on Insta or no?"

No. He's not. He is hanging out with Dean a lot and pursuing comedy. Sometimes he tells jokes about Davina.

The best part is that he appears to be entirely alone and tells us that he's had a few beers and plans to have a few more HAHAHA.

Goodness.

The one common question we've decided to ask everyone we speak to is: what's the gossip? We want the secrets. We want to hear about fights. Hookups. Embarrassing moments. Tensions. And early on, it becomes clear we're not getting any.

We decided if anyone knew the goss it would obviously be Sonia Kruger, but she tells us that her nickname is 'The Vault' at which point we get very frustrated and start yelling WHAT'S THE POINT IN KNOWING ALL THE GOSSIP IF YOU CAN NEVER TELL ANYONE. She politely leaves after telling us nothing.

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Just as we're lamenting our lack of gossip and looking around the red carpet trying to work out who's famous and who's just... extra, we're confronted with the ridiculousness of this entire spectacle.

A woman named Montaigne, who by all accounts is very good and hip and with it, has the words 'Stop Adani' written on her cheeks.

Well, shit.

Now we feel a bit silly asking for gossip.

She intelligently articulates how important it is we put a stop to Adani, and their plan to build a coal mine which will permanently damage our reef and waterways.