Please, insult my religion

There’s been a lot of fuss about criticizing religions lately, so I thought I’d offer up mine. Go ahead and laugh or call it stupid or whatever. It won’t bother me at all.

1: In the beginning Dog created the bike and the road.

2: And the road was without stoplights, and traffic; and darkness was upon the faces of the murderous drivers on their way to church. And the Spirit of Dog moved upon the pedals.

3: And Dog said, Let there be lycra: and there was lycra.

4: And Dog saw the lycra, that it was good and tight: and Dog divided the lycra from the darkness.

5: And Dog called the lycra Kit, and the baggy pants he called Fred. And the jogging shorts and the saggy athletic socks were the first object of his derision.

6: And Dog said, Let there be thighs in the midst of the lycra, and let them divide the wankers from the peloton.

7: And Dog made the peloton, and divided the wankers which were hanging on for dear life from the peloton: and it was called Off the Back.

8: And Dog called off the back Purgatory. And the group ride was on the second day.

9: And Dog said, Let the cyclists be gathered together unto one place of abundant coffee and jelly donuts, and let hammers appear: and it was so.

10: And Dog called the hammers Leaders of the Pack; and the gathering together of the wankers called he Category 5: and Dog saw that it was good as long as they didn’t go too far forward and gap everyone out.

11: And Dog said, Let the group ride bring forth pain, the pain yielding misery, and the misery yielding defeat, whose seed is pain itself, so that it may beginneth all over again: and it was so.

12: And the group ride brought forth pain, and pain yielding misery, and the misery yielding defeat especially when the road tilteth up, whose seed was in itself pain, after his kind: and Dog foresaw a vast market for nutritional supplements.

13: And the USCF races were the third day.

14: And Dog said, Let there be wankers in the peloton so deluded as to think they have a chance of victory, and let them and their entry fees be for the beer money and rent of Charon and Meeker and Rudy:

15: And let them be purchasers of aero wheelsets and bladed spokes and other overpriced gewgaws: and it was so.

16: And Dog made two great tours ; the greater tour to rule the French, and the lesser tour to rule the Italians: he made Flanders also, that even the slow-witted Belgians would also have a field of battle upon which they might win.

17: And Dog set in the roadways of Flanders and Northern France great cobbles, to give misery and suffering untold upon the pedalers,

18: And to rule over the cobbles and the French and the Italians, and to divide the bull from the shit, Dog created Merckx: and Dog saw that it was good.

19: And the circular road made of wooden planking were the fourth day.

20: And Dog said, Let the circular planking bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life but no brain other than to ride in circles, and fly around the planking like a complete imbecile, and they shall be called Trackies.

21: And the rock and tree studded mountain were the fifth day. And Dog created insane creatures minute of brain, who hurled splattingly into the trees and rocks without thought down the great mountains, which the mountains brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fool after his kind: and Dog saw that it was good.

22: And Dog blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and multiply over and over, and over and over, as ye Bikers of the Mountain will for the most part have thy brains dashed against the stones and require much and frequent replacement, and he made them the most fecund of all.

23: And the pit of mud and barriers of wood and rope were the fifth day.

24: And Dog said, Let these living creature be the dumbest of all, and the creepingest of all things, and beasts of the earth who shall half-run, half-cycle in a stupor of pain: and it was so.

25: And Dog made the ‘cross racer after his kind, smallest brained of all his creatures: and God saw that while it was good, it wasn’t as good as the others, but it was already Friday and he was getting tired.

26: And Dog said, Let us make cyclists in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the roads, and over the angry motorists en route to church, and over the drunken truckers, and over all the traffic police, and over every stop sign and traffic control signal upon the earth.

27: So Dog created cyclists in his own image, in the image of Dog created he them; male and female he created alike except that the female was much cuter to observe from the rear.

28: And Dog blessed them, and Dog said unto them, Wear helmets, and lights at night, and replenish the energy drink when it runneth low in the bottle, and subdue the wankers who are overconfident: and have dominion over the race officials who judge but dare not race themselves, and over Officer Knox, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth but most especially thy non-cycling spouse who would withhold precious gold for purchase of badly needed powermeters and such.

29: And Dog said, Behold, I have given you every bicycle, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every wheelset and electronic shifter, in the which is the path of least rolling resistance; to you it shall be to pedal.

30: And to every chubby motorist who commuteth in a rage, and to every traffic jam, and to every thing that creepeth slowly upon the 405, wherein there is only a semblance of life, I have given every cyclist superiority over thee: and it was so.

31: And Dog saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good, especially when washed down with a craft beer brewed in small batches. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day, and Dog created the hangover.

32: Thus the bikes and the roads and the mountains and the tracks and the mud pits were finished, and all the host of cyclists too lazy to work but full of energy to ride, of them.

33: And on the seventh day Dog ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.

34: And Dog blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work and recovered from his hangover of the fifth day and was now ready for the group ride.

Dog is omniscient, therefore, dog knew better than to create triathlete. No, Natas created triathlete. And Natas begat a son, Ecnal, who preached the evil message of triathlon to the world without success.

So Ecnal and Natas hatched an evil plan. Ecnal forsaked his triathlete birthright and joined the peloton. And dog saw through the Ecnal’s facade of desiring to become a cyclist and he grabbed Ecnal by the balls and struck down Ecnal with cancer. But lo, the unholy alliance of Natas and Ecnal beat back the cancer. And so Ecnal came to dominate the peloton, throwing Cycling into the Dark Ages. And Ecnal’s dominance of the peloton was so complete that he amassed a collection of stomped dicks larger than even dog could imagine. Ecnal’s power was so great that even after his dominance of the peloton faded he still kept cycling in the Dark Ages.

Dog was so angry about the Dark Ages, that he considered a forty day flood of automobiles that would wipe all cyclists off the face of the Earth. But dog knew cycling was good and decent. So dog hatched an evil plan of his own. Dog knew he could defeat Natas and Ecnal with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, dog knew he would have to go all out. He knew that this situation absolutely required a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part! And he was just the somebody to do it.

Dog knew he would need to enlist one of Natas’s most evil fallen angels, but which one? Wall Street Banker? No, too greedy. Used Car Salesman? Not evil enough. Congressman? No, for there were still lines that dog was unwilling to cross. Lawyer? Yes!

So dog lavished praise and affection on the Lawyer Sivart Tragyt. Dog knew that Tragyt had been a decent boy before turning to the dark side and becoming a hall monitor and then a Lawyer. And dog knew that if he could turn Tragyt’s heart away from darkness, with all of the skills he had learned as a hall monitor and Lawyer, he might be able to defeat Ecnal. And dog did turn Tragyt’s heart and Tragyt joined USADA.

Tragyt began his quest by hunting down the sacred hidden grand jury scripture. Virtually everyone on the planet was barred from reading it. A fellow Lawyer in the BALCO case was convicted and disbarred for leaking it. But Tragyt proved worthy of dog’s praise. Constitutional protections, judicial mandates and statutes were no match for him. The sacred grand jury scriptures were his. And lo Tragyt used the scriptures to blackmail and coerce Ecnal’s previously loyal lieutenants into testifying exactly as Tragyt wanted them to testify

So based on the coerced testimony, Tragyt prepared to charge Ecnal with a string of vague accusations dating back 14 year. But one of Tragyt’s USADA minions pointed out that statute of limitations is only 7 years. So Tragyt convinced WADA, an organization full of former members of Natas’s Army of Lawyers, to change the statute of limitations to 14 years. And Tragyt did charge Ecnal with the vague accusations. Ecnal protested to the Federal Courts. The Courts agreed with Ecnal that the accusations were vague, but threw Ecnal to the Wolves of Arbitration anyway saying Ecnal had consented to being throw to the Wolves by joining the peloton.

Ecnal was afraid of the Wolves of Arbitration, for nary an athlete had survived a confrontation with them. But Ecnal knew that Tragyt’s and USADA’s power stopped at the nation’s border, that they had no power over UCI and ASO, the keepers of the peloton. And Ecnal knew, that no matter what Tragyt and USADA did to him, UCI and ASO would not foresake him. So Ecnal surrendered and Tragyt did try to strip Ecnal of all his Sacred Tour Victories. But as Ecnal knew, UCI and ASO remained silent and steadfast; the Sacred Tour Victories remained his.

And dog was disappointed with Tragyt. Though the Dark Ages have given way to the Overcast Age of Skepticism, and despite a test for Natas’ Elixr, EPO, as well as a biological passport, many of dog’s creatures still see cycling as a dirty sport populated by the spawn of Natas.

Certainly not in the recycling bin. Shit’s been involved in cycling enough as it is. Maybe mail it back and request a refund? If you donated money based on his assertions that he’d never doped, you might also have a pretty good fraud claim, at least in California. Statute of limitations for fraud is three years.