Sunday, September 19, 2010

Free Bird

Don't put a bird in a cage...for it is meant to be free. It is meant to flutter its feathers in anticipation of a journey. It will gently fan its tail feathers, give it's head a shake, and instantly ascend at its own whim. Don't take its freedom, and try to keep it a prisoner...for this goes against its nature as a creature of the breeze.

What things do you hold onto in a cage with a tiny little door? Do you open that door, just to feed the control you are trying to contain? Is it a relationship you can't let go of? Or, perhaps a past hurt or wrong that has caged you, and caused you to live your life inside of a world of mental bars?

Once again, a common saying has come to me in a radiant new light.

"If you love something, then set it free. If it is yours, it will return...if not, it was never meant to be".

I let go of something yesterday. While it was material, and in critical need of replacing...my heart told me to retain it for a time when I was better prepared to be at a loss. It would be nothing to most people...it would be a very exciting time for most everyone I know. However, it struck me with anxiety and complete aprehension.

I bought a new vehicle. My lease on my beloved Jeep is finished in November, and I knew I wouldn't be keeping it. Most people would think this was an exciting time...one of new opportunity, and of course, something shiny and more current to learn about, and park in the driveway. The caging of my excitement came because of this...

My Jeep is the first place I was with Michael...and it is also the last. So, the substitution of the Jeep for something newer is just one more step in the process of accepting the loss of him...the loss of us. On Wednesday, I actually grabbed the phone to call him and tell him about the new wheels...for a flash, life was as it had always been...and he was still here.

But as with a caged bird...or anything held too tightly, a funny thing happens. It cages you and holds you, as much as you hold it. You inadvertantly become obligated to the care and nurturing of the prisoner. Just as the bird needs to be fed and taken care of...so do anxiety and fear in order for you to sustain them. You must supply them with the necessary nutrition to survive, otherwise, existence isn't possible.

Or so we think.

When we open that cage door...or open our hands to the new, whether it be healing, forgiveness or understanding, we are instantly released...just as the inhabitant of the guilded cage is. While life without the company of the inhabitant of the cage is strange, and perhaps a little unsettling...it is best for the one who lives in the cage, and the one who decided it needed to be there in the first place. The release is like setting a bird free...and watching glorious emancipation stretch out its wings, and soar into the distance.

So, the Jeep is gone. I am stronger, and free in its release. I am protective of the memories I hold in the most sacred of places...but rest assured...there is no locked door on my remembrances of Michael...