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Christmas Joy

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Day 25 - another shit story

Summer left me a present...in the bathroom...3 huge turds!
I stood for a while and admired them. This is surely the 8th wonder of the world. How could my 5yr old daughter physically push something of this size out of her arsehole, not once but 3 times. These beasts are each the size of an artic roll, they are sat there bobbing away...they look strangely pleased with themselves.
I pop my head out of the bathroom and look at Summer, she is in no pain, she is not walking like John Wayne, she hasnt torn herself a new arsehole. I actually want to put Summer on the scales and see how much weight she has lost. She cannot even possibly have consumed that much food to produce that much well formed shit. It will remain one of the great unanswered questions in the world.
The last time I saw poo that big was when I myself was a child. The event has scared me. My brother and I were playing quite happily when we heard mum calling us from the bathroom. She had been in there some time. We stood outside the door as she gave us instructions. My brother was to get some rubber gloves and I some washing up liquid, we were to bring them to her, hand them over, not look.
We did as we were told. We were afraid, we sat holding hands in silence outside the bathroom petrified about what was happening to mum on the other side of the door. After what seemed like an eternity and several flushes mum came out flustered, "keep out" she said "i need to find a wooden spoon" ...well there was no way we were going to listen to her, if mum had given birth in the loo we were going to see our sibling before she broke it up with the wooden spoon. We peered over the loo seat and staring back up at us was the biggest turd imaginable. So.big that my mum had to lubricate herself with fairy liquid. to get it out. I can still see it now. It haunts my dreams. Eventualy Dad decided it was too big to flush even when broken down with the wooden spoon and he then chose to put it in a Safeway's bag. I think he later buried it in the garden.

1 comment:

Am literally pissing myself laughing!! Other half (also very much a part-time dad) says he doesn't find it funny, I told him to get over himself, as this is precicely the kind of stuff we tend to bond over these days. He don't kid me. Great story - again :) Am totally addicted to your blog, as are at least a couple of my Facebook friends after clicking on a link I put up of your zebra-birthing episode ;)You could seriously get this stuff published!