Financing A Human Being

It’s funny how creating a kid is free, yet the upkeep is anything but. And what return do you get on the investment of financing a human being? Nothing more than frayed nerves and an empty nest to match your wallet. Seriously, we know it takes a not-so-small fortune to finance a human being, but how much does it really cost? Better yet, how much will the bottom line be through the next 18 years for a child who is born today?

Let’s look at a timeline spanning your investment’s inception to maturity (a term best applied here in the financial sense, not the behavioral, which could take decades). We’ll break it down from birth to age 5, 5 to 10, 10 to 15, and 15 to 18 with all the relative estimated costs included.

All numbers are projected for two-parent, single-child families, based largely upon U.S. Department of Agriculture statistics and adjusted for anticipated inflation. The final averages are calculated based on income brackets and regional cost of living. Many families will make do on less, some will (gulp) spend more. But bear in mind: These are best-case scenarios, assuming you enroll your child in an average daycare and public school. A child in poor health will cost substantially more. So will a kid who does his damnedest to fill his closet with skeletons, since you’ll be left with the tab for fines, bail, counseling, and rehab.

Birth to age 5

Cost: about $80,000

Some of us are inclined to rock ‘n’ roll all night, while others feel the need to breed — both can take heavy tolls. As for the latter, the life-changing event of parenthood may very well set you back 80 grand in the first five years alone. Hard to believe? Here’s how it comes together:

Amazing, but again, these figures are based on projections from the government. If ever there existed a credible source for outrageous financial reports, it’s the collection of our humble elected officials. This might be a good time to mix a stiff drink before proceeding.

Ages 5 to 10

Cost: about $79,000

As your child’s education begins, you continue to get schooled. The second half of your child’s first decade will sting only a little less to the tune of about 79 big ones.

You were braced for expense hikes across the board, right? It doesn’t quite work that way. That’s why Ben Franklin didn’t lump these in with the surefire threats of death and taxes. For example, kids need less fussy shelter than when they are born. Same goes for care and schooling, since he or she will be in grade school and need care less often. All other costs — especially food — require more out of your pocket.