Whats your best red neck joke ? Mine is You can tell that your a red neck if you can levitate your self with a force from with in

gmellis

13th November 2002, 00:36

You might be a redneck if you've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws.

You might be a redneck if you refer to the fifth grade
as your senior year.

You might be a redneck if anyone in your family died right
after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".

You might be a redneck if the KKK kicked you out for being a bigot.

gmellis

13th November 2002, 02:40

Being from redneck/white trash origins in the heart of IOW-AY, I hereby give all potential posters license on behalf of my ilk to make fun of us as so many comedians have done for a darn good time, because without the mirth enough to poke fun at our shortcomings and peculiar behavior, life is pretty drab and...well..mirthless. I can assure you that blacks and other minority groups make fun of their own sterotypes and other traits (ever seen comedy at the Apollo theatre? awsomely entertaining fun) Now that that is out of the way, let the jokes begin!

You may be a redneck if going to the bathroom in the middle of the night includes a flashlight & shoes.

You may be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

You may be a redneck if the Home Shopping Network operator recognizes your voice.

Steven Malanosk

13th November 2002, 03:25

Oss! Ya'll,

This has been posted before, on another thread, but it seems appropriate here:

Now keep in mind, I was born and raised in New York City's Lower East Side, and at times across the Hudson River in Hudson County New Jersey. I now own a ranch in South West Florida, in an equestrian community, and am married to a Texas gal.

All that follows, is an accurate description of my lifestyle, replete with true stories:

You mite be a redneck if............

Your Hombu Dojo, is on your ranch, taking up 1/2 of your barn.

You dont advertise, and would seem not to be competition to the schools in town, since you live so far from civilization, yet lots of folks drive the long distance into the sticks, to train with you anyway.

You are personally responsible, for a legion of pick up trucks, driving around with GoJu fist logos in their back windows, obscuring their gunracks.

Your students operate best, out of the horse stance.

You have to plan your tournament schedule, around the rodeo and 4-H events.

You don't have a problem, with spectators making too much noise during class, since your 8 PitBull Curr mix dogs, will barely let the known inner circle deshi into the back part of your property.

Although you are employed by the Federal Bureau Of Prisons, the FBI has sent people to seek tuition in your dojo, to check out the reports of black uniform clad troops, doing what appears to be clandestine ops training on your compound, arriving and leaving in their high dollar vehicles, with what appears to be White Power symbols on their windows. " GoJu Fist"

You tell the FBI agent, that he is not to worry, because you have been kicked out of the Aryan Nation, for being too violent. " Now that's a true story, but I was just busting his chops."

The vendors at the local gun shows, call you Kyoshi or Sensei.

Incidentally, I do go back to NYC once a year, for my teacher's tournament, in order to keep my insanity, and even bring a bunch of the students with me, in order to give them insight to why I am, like I am.

Well, there is more, but I gotta go feed the horses now...........

Steven Leroy Malanoski
Head Honcho, Confederate GoJu USA

stoker

13th November 2002, 17:26

You might be a redneck judoka if you start explaining techniques with, "First grab your uke by his overalls...":D

saviolo

14th November 2002, 21:48

"You may be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general."

This is bloody worrying - I'm from Brighton in the UK, but my son is named Jackson, and his granpaw does call him Stonewall from time to time. This means that I can't call the next one Jeb, I suppose.

Back to the drawing board...

gmellis

15th November 2002, 00:16

Sebastian,
Looks like you're a good candidate to form a U.K. Rednecks Society, eh?

Janty,
Good one. I will enter that into my list. Cool pics with Hamill and the hot chic from Bay Watch.

cguzik

22nd November 2002, 22:20

You just might be a redneck if...

You use "fixin" as in "I am fixin to go to the store".

You know what cow tipping and snipe hunting are.

You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

You carry jumper cables in your car... for your OWN car.

You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin' wal-martin".

cguzik

22nd November 2002, 22:24

You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

You clean your fingernails with a stick.

You've ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately.

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

You ever got too drunk to fish.

The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You prefer car keys to Q-Tips.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You've ever bought a used hat.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog.

You're considered an expert on worm beds.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.

"Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit.

You learned to drive in a monster truck.

You spit chewing tobacco in the plants.

Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.

You believe books are bad luck.

You recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck.

You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur.

You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk.

Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you "bring your own."

Mike Collins

22nd November 2002, 22:55

If two rednecks get divorced are they still cousins?

Let's see here, I had my wedding reception at the YMCA. I cooked the ham and turkey, the liquid refreshments were two kegs of beer (okay, not really beer, it was Coors and Bud).

I married my sister's husband's sister.

My wedding present from my Dad (whom I always called Pa) was a ten year old pickup truck.

The first house my wife and I owned was a mobile home. I've actually seen my wife, chase a pig out of her flowers with a broom, while wearing boots and a flannel shirt, and pajama bottoms.

My youngest son (less than 2 years old at the time)dissappeared one day, while I was watching a football game, and my wife was in the backyard, mowing the weeds; we found him a few minutes later on the side of the road with a bottle in his hand, a diaper on his butt, and our old dog L.T. walking to his outside to keep him off the road. My wife and I both thought he was with the other.

When my older son disappeared three or four years earlier at the ripe old age of 4, with the same dog by his side, we both swore we'd never let that happen again... Oh Yeah, we got him back too.

Every house I ever rented, I left with a new shed, usually the size of a small home.

Who needs to make redneck jokes, hell... I AM one.

Chris Schimdt

9th December 2002, 02:03

wow

Son of Thunder

10th December 2002, 17:57

You might be a budo redneck if...

you know what type of shuriken makes the best bottle opener.

you have ever used your kamayari to haul trout into your boat.

you refer to the randori portion of your class as "time for a whuppin."

you begin a class on hojojutsu by asking "everyone got their duct tape?"

you call your sensei "dude."

you've never heard of drunken kung fu, but you can perform it flawlessly.

your mother has ever said: "Not like that! C'mere, I'll show you how to hit someone."

you've ever been kicked out of a neo-ninja group for being too weird.

you use BlackBelt Magazine as toilet paper... because you can't read it.

you punched out your local pastor because he didn't think that Jesus knew judo.

someone hands you a tonfa, and the first thing you do with it is scratch your back.

you giggle every time soneone mentions shito ryu.

Starkjudo

10th December 2002, 20:55

Originally posted by Son of Thunder
You might be a budo redneck if...

you refer to the randori portion of your class as "time for a whuppin."

Hey, we do Judo in Mississippi, what else would we call it? :)

Rob Thornton
Starkville Martial Arts

william northcote

10th January 2003, 22:39

Originally posted by Mike Collins
If two rednecks get divorced are they still cousins?

Let's see here, I had my wedding reception at the YMCA. I cooked the ham and turkey, the liquid refreshments were two kegs of beer (okay, not really beer, it was Coors and Bud).

I married my sister's husband's sister.

My wedding present from my Dad (whom I always called Pa) was a ten year old pickup truck.

The first house my wife and I owned was a mobile home. I've actually seen my wife, chase a pig out of her flowers with a broom, while wearing boots and a flannel shirt, and pajama bottoms.

My youngest son (less than 2 years old at the time)dissappeared one day, while I was watching a football game, and my wife was in the backyard, mowing the weeds; we found him a few minutes later on the side of the road with a bottle in his hand, a diaper on his butt, and our old dog L.T. walking to his outside to keep him off the road. My wife and I both thought he was with the other.

When my older son disappeared three or four years earlier at the ripe old age of 4, with the same dog by his side, we both swore we'd never let that happen again... Oh Yeah, we got him back too.

Every house I ever rented, I left with a new shed, usually the size of a small home.

Who needs to make redneck jokes, hell... I AM one.

Hey bud nice life. Sounds idyllic to me. But I must say that you could never beat Homer Simpson. That man is soke of cool beers and bigger mishaps than any redneck could ever be.