[sx] Enneagram sx doms: How do you feel when you aren't sexually desirable?

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The Man doesn't need to walk by when he's already inside your computer.

Oh I am SO busted.

But to tie it back to thread, is the Big Cheese still sexually desirable in that body-baring picture?

"Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

“Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

But to tie it back to thread, is the Big Cheese still sexually desirable in that body-baring picture?

There was an interesting thought experiment undertaken by a Swedish blogger wherein men were made to pose in the same poses required of women in American Apparel ads. It's ironic how much less ambiguous the demeaning, infantilizing, and exploitative the portrayal of women in popular media becomes when a man becomes the subject of the same tropes. Somewhat apropos: I've been considering doing a post in my blog about the new Robin Thicke video that's been stirring so much controversy, but just hadn't gotten around to it yet. It's been obsessing me. I'd probably have pestered you for you opinion anyways, so I'll just be sure to tag you in it, whenever it happens.

Anyways. Not to dodge your question, but I can't find the President too attractive. My deep-seated respect/fear of his wife is a pretty massive mental-block/lady boner impediment.

And so long as you haven’t experienced this: to die and so to grow,
you are only a troubled guest on the dark earth

Wow. What a great topic. I currently type as sx-dom precisely for the issues I have with this.

I'll start with the truth: I got put down by my peers a lot as a kid. They told me I was ugly and disgusting and weird. For years. And, I'll be upfront about it...that changed my self-perception, permanently. I wasn't mommy's pretty little girl anymore, I became ugly, disgusting, undesirable. Being a 4w5, that's pretty much become a source of identity for me--one of the ways I'm weird and worse than everyone else. I can't change my thoughts on this matter, even when I want to. I just feel ugly, disgusting, creepy, undesirable, etc.

And, it's brought out the worst of me. I'm aggressive toward attractive members of my same sex; I spend hours in self-torment about how much I physically suck; the whole "Let's remind ourselves why no one will ever like you..." lecture. It's like my entire identity is pegged around this one hang-up.

THIS WAS ESPECIALLY BAD IN COLLEGE. All the more so because guys never seemed interested in me. Just further proof of how ugly I was, right? I developed entire self-esteem issues solely around this concern. Like the poster above says, I feel less human. Really and truly. Pathetic (and up till now, a highly guarded secret!) but true.

Anyway, I can't go around whining about it forever (actually, I've never been able to talk about this to anyone), so mostly, I've just been highly rejecting. "Who needs that crap?" "Oh, you're worried about your physical appearance, are you? You vain little batshit." "I don't need ANYONE. I'm not DESPERATE." That sort of thing. Everyone thinks I'm asexual IRL because I've taken such a cold stance towards these issues. I typed as sx-last for a long time till I realized I've just got a neurotic anti-manifestation of it in terms of desirability.

I've never even been able to articulate this to myself till I found out about it, actually. I doubt I could say it out loud, but telling random strangers on an internet forum is ok, right?

So, to the OP, I can sympathise anyway. It does take a toll on your mental health, as pathetic as that sounds for me to say that. Good luck!

Wow...sorry to hear that. I understand what you went through, I went through something very similar as a guy.

In Kindergarten and the first couple of years of elementary school I was the kid nobody liked and always picked one (I'm sure every class had "that guy" or "that girl" that everyone else always made fun of). In retrospect this was probably because I have Aspergers Syndrome and I wasn't easy to get along with then...but I grew up with this idea that I was inferior/ugly/hideous became this axiomatic thing that I didn't even question or think about - it simply was.

It wasn't until I was in high school when I was forced to deal with my non-existant self esteem. After going through a severe depression, couple trips to the hospital for suicidal behaviors and all that, I spent the next 6 years rebuilding myself.

Today I'm a ballroom dancer (a good one I've been told!) and I have no issue at all getting up in front of people or talking to people I really want to talk too. My self esteem is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was back then

To answer the OP though: I'd say, generally...not really. The only time I ever become conscious of my desirably is when it comes to my S.O. or someone I'd like to date. Then it becomes *extremely* important to me that they find me desirable.

With any women I've ever been attracted too in the entire history of my life, all it takes for them is to tell me "You look good with [X]" and suddenly whatever [X] is because something I immediately integrate into my sense of fashion. Consequently, when my SO rejects me, I feel incredibly hurt and rejected and will withdrawal away from them as I don't like how I feel when I'm around them anymore.

So...I guess the answer is: It depends.

"The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it."
― Woodrow Wilson

I do feel sexually desirable atm, so no problems in that department. In the past, though, not feeling desirable felt like someone put handcuffs on me (not in the good way) and told me how to spend my day. I love seducing and feeling attractive - I feel unfulfilled if I didn't get to do either of those things. If I didn't take part in some sort of seduction by the end of the day it feels like a big waste. I don't know how to describe it tbh other than, like Elfboy said, "FUCKING TERRIBLE!" Flirting, catching someone's eye, just give me something to get excitement from. And if I can't look appealing then it basically stops me from doing that which basically makes my day become a huge bore. More than that, it's like I've been removed from my natural state of being. If I can't do what gives me pleasure, then what's the point?

I also get random bursts of sadness from not having a boyfriend (usually when I'm alone and reflecting). Not feeling desirable certainly can contribute to that. I just want to be in love with someone who loves me back, is that too much to ask?? Okay, I should stop writing now before I get more upset. At least I can flirt with this INTP guy to get me through the summer.

I relate to all of this.

Originally Posted by Sanjuro

Wow. What a great topic. I currently type as sx-dom precisely for the issues I have with this.

I'll start with the truth: I got put down by my peers a lot as a kid. They told me I was ugly and disgusting and weird. For years. And, I'll be upfront about it...that changed my self-perception, permanently. I wasn't mommy's pretty little girl anymore, I became ugly, disgusting, undesirable. Being a 4w5, that's pretty much become a source of identity for me--one of the ways I'm weird and worse than everyone else. I can't change my thoughts on this matter, even when I want to. I just feel ugly, disgusting, creepy, undesirable, etc.

And, it's brought out the worst of me. I'm aggressive toward attractive members of my same sex; I spend hours in self-torment about how much I physically suck; the whole "Let's remind ourselves why no one will ever like you..." lecture. It's like my entire identity is pegged around this one hang-up.

THIS WAS ESPECIALLY BAD IN COLLEGE. All the more so because guys never seemed interested in me. Just further proof of how ugly I was, right? I developed entire self-esteem issues solely around this concern. Like the poster above says, I feel less human. Really and truly. Pathetic (and up till now, a highly guarded secret!) but true.

Anyway, I can't go around whining about it forever (actually, I've never been able to talk about this to anyone), so mostly, I've just been highly rejecting. "Who needs that crap?" "Oh, you're worried about your physical appearance, are you? You vain little batshit." "I don't need ANYONE. I'm not DESPERATE." That sort of thing. Everyone thinks I'm asexual IRL because I've taken such a cold stance towards these issues. I typed as sx-last for a long time till I realized I've just got a neurotic anti-manifestation of it in terms of desirability.

I've never even been able to articulate this to myself till I found out about it, actually. I doubt I could say it out loud, but telling random strangers on an internet forum is ok, right?

So, to the OP, I can sympathise anyway. It does take a toll on your mental health, as pathetic as that sounds for me to say that. Good luck!

Well you have my deepest condolences for your practically "incurable" desirability problem. I will say that it's just a temporary problem for me, because if I could just find a way to exercise and afford a good diet, I would look pretty damn good. After all, I used to work out all the time, and I have an excellent frame for body building. In fact, my body in terms of shape looks like Patrick Bateman from "American Psycho" when I work out. So I will one day look good again when I can afford to do so.

Originally Posted by pinkgraffiti

i thought you were a virgin?

anyways, i don't have this problem. do i lose membership?

No way, @Elfboy has seen more cocks than an Idaho farmer. He's no virgin, lmao.

Since I'm not working...and am just at a point in my life where I don't give a...crap (ha crap - trying to go mild there)...I look so bad. And yet sexuality...or feeling sexually attractive (?)...that is like the only thing in me that has remained unchanged. In fact, I actually like the way people are responding to me more - if that makes any sense.

Some of the sexiest people alive are pretty damn unattractive because...in the end...it doesn't really have all that much to do with the outer shell. It's something that comes from within.

You are aging Great One. Each day you are older. And if you continue to maintain that sexual desirability has to do with the outside...I fear you will suffer from ill mental health 'till the day they plop you into the ground. Remain mindful of the outer shell...and do what needs to be done. But develop sexual beauty from the inside out.

I constantly hear people say stupid things like you are saying here. They constantly say, "Looks don't matter. It's who you are on the inside that counts". Personally, I always thought that this sounded great on paper, but I rarely find people in real life that subscribe to this philosophy. IRL, I find that looks are one of the most important things that people look for in a person when they are deciding whether or not to date them. It is for this very reason that I want to look as good as humanly possible because I am obsessed with finding a lover.

Also, I really do fear getting older because I know that my looks will likely fade with time. However, I plan on investing a great deal of money in cosmetic surgery in the future when I get older, so that way I hopefully will look good even when I'm 50.

EDIT: actually, I said it was correlated myself in part. Just not directly correlated. Yeeesh, dude.

"Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

“Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft