5.04.2012

this is a very good thing.

My goodness, have you seen what's been going on in Blogland? An amazing set of bloggers - inspired by a post by Jess of Makeunder My Life - set out to blow the "perfect blogger" illusion wide open. If you visit Ez at Creature Comforts, you'll get the full story, along with a list of participating bloggers. I spent a good chunk of the morning in absolute awe; crying, laughing, shouting "ME TOO!" at the computer screen, and subscribing to a fresh load of wonderful blogs.

I've grown so weary as a blog reader and sporadic blog writer. There really IS too much pretty out there. How can you not feel like the only one who doesn't have it all figured out? It has certainly contributed to my lack of posting, in that I feel that nothing I could say or show would mean anything in this world of beauty. Well, I couldn't resist at least being a part of this movement...and we'll see where my blogging habits go from there. Here we go.

- I always used to think that by this stage in my life, I'd be a working musician in an established indie rock band. I used to play guitar, sing, and write music all the time. I've hardly touched my guitar since getting married, because I'm terrified of practicing in front of my ridiculously cool (and far better at guitar) drummer of a husband. We celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary last week, and yet I still think of myself as a musician.

- I never grew out of that "Perceived Audience" thing the psychology textbooks talk about. I still think, when I go out, that people are looking at me and judging me at all times, for better or worse.

- I love sitcoms.

- I eat too much. And I drink too much. And I move too little. And I'm overweight. (Related: I'm a certified personal trainer with a degree in Kinesiology. Also a vegan, with a pretty firm grasp of nutrition and healthy eating. Basically, I have a bunch of shiny tools in a dusty toolbox.)

- I wasn't cut out to be a stay-at-home mother. I know its value, of course, and I love my children, OF COURSE. But being at home with them all day paralyzes me. I'm not good at it. And usually, I cut and run when I'm not good at something. It's definitely a daily struggle. (In case you're halfway through dialing Child Services, I never actually think about leaving my children! This is more about struggling with the fact that I have to find a way to do something I'm remarkably bad at.)

- On that note, I'm a chronic quitter. I remember a time when I could set my mind to something and see it through to completion, but those days are gone. I seem to have a skill for setting creative (sometimes ridiculous) goals for myself, and then a week or so in...blah.

- I'm totally scared to join a knitting group/take a knitting class. As a self-taught knitter who's been doing this for many years, I'm petrified at the thought of someone telling me I'm doing it all wrong (which really, I can't imagine anyone doing). This is also why I keep my knit-blogging vague, and shut people down when they tell me to sell my knitting.

- I'm in a lot of debt, thanks primarily to putting myself through college/university on minimum wage, part-time income. I feel daily guilt that my husband married into it, and that our entire marriage has consisted of payments, consolidations, slip-ups, and just trying to make it to payday.

- I'm a Christian. My faith has persisted through many episodes of doubt, but talking about it is so scary. To say that Christianity has been dragged through the mud is an understatement, and the culprits are...Christians. We were always taught that we would encounter persecution for our faith, but who knew that it would be at the hands of loud, hateful believers, tearing down the lives of people around them? I have a deep fear of being associated with FOX News, and that scary church that pickets funerals, and all the extremely hateful things that pop up in the media regularly, so I've been quite silent about my faith. But yeah. I believe in Zombie Jesus.

Well, now I've written these things out. The thought of actually making them public is pretty terrifying, but after the blogs I read this morning, I definitely will. I hope you'll consider joining in! At the very least, read a few posts as listed on Creature Comforts (she's trying to keep the list updated as new bloggers join the challenge).

As for my blog, who knows? Maybe this was the breath of fresh air I needed, or maybe this was my blogging swan song. Time will tell.

Love,
Jennifer

P.S. On the theme of transparency, I've never liked the whole blog nickname thing. So I'm changing that. I am Jennifer. Stretch, my husband, is Jonathan. The Little One is Simon. And the un-nicknamed little baby girl is Ruby. Phew! That's a silly load off. Hope to see you soon!

14 comments:

Thanks for sharing! I'm also self-taught at my craft (screen printing) and while a class would be beneficial, I'm also worried to find out I'm doing something "wrong". But hey, it works for me, so it must be OK! School loan debt is the worst, isn't it? I have a ways to go till mine is paid off...BTW, your kids are adorable and your knitting work looks lovely!

Love this, love you. I applaud your bravery in being transparent and real. I've definitely been thinking lately about the influence of "lifestyle blogs" and crazy Pinterest boards, etc. on the way we evaluate ourselves and our worth, especially for moms/wives. Glad to hear there is some intentional discussion going on in the blog world.

Hey Jennifer! Wow...I am totally blown away by your transparency, and applaud you for it! Thank you SO much for baring your soul with us, and honoring us with your fears and struggles. I think what stuck with me the most was your music. I do so hope you pick that guitar back up sometime soon and let your heart sing! Also, I love, love, love your daughter's name (and how ridiculously cute she is in these photos!).

Thank you, Beth! Yours is one of the blogs I subscribed to after all this; it's beautiful! Thank you for your encouragement. I hope (and still believe) the music creator in me will live again! And yeah, isn't Ruby a little button?

Hi Jennifer, nice to meet you (again, anew)! I need to start fresh again too. I wasn't even at it that long but my blogging has been a stagnant smelly pool of nothing since before Christmas and I don't know how to kick start it - and my blog reading too. Glad I saw this post. I'm with you on most of the "confessions" you make. Yaaa, especially the eating/drinking sedentary fatness...I'll definitely make a warts and all cathartic list...kill or cure for the blog!ps. you seem "ridiculously cool" to me!