Have you ever looked back to the worst moment in your whole entire life and then looked around you at your present life? Can you see an immense difference between the two moments in time? This morning, as I was holding my son, I did just that. As I attempted to count my blessings, I found that I could not, for they are far too numerous. That realization caused me to stop everything I was doing (other than breastfeeding) and just praise God for His mercy and grace. He delivered me from what once felt like the pits of Hell. I cannot even begin to fathom how different the world would be without my kids. You see, the worst moment in my life is the moment I was pronounced dead at age 16 during a suicide attempt. I had totally given up on life because I figured that everyone who mattered had already given up on me. I was wrong. God had not given up.

At age 16, there was no way that I could even begin to fathom that my life would work out to what it is right now. I married my high school sweetheart. We have been together now nearly 20 years. We have two beautiful daughters and a very handsome infant son. I survived military life (which almost killed both of us) and I have spent years teaching Sunday school, working with kids – including special needs children. I’ve traveled to and lived in several different states and I’ve met people from all over the world. I have a great life, despite our struggles. None of this would’ve happened had God given up on me.

Anthony and I in 1997, shortly after we became a couple and not too long before my suicide attempt that nearly took my life.

You see, when we’re at our worst moments and we don’t even have the strength to call on God or to acknowledge His existence, He’s still there anyway, saving us from the Enemy. He knows we have a purpose long before we know we do.

I did not call on God that day until the bitter end. I called on Him to bring me Home – to Heaven. He said “later” and sent me back to the World. Initially, I was outraged by the outcome of a failed suicide attempt. Now, I am praising Him for it. I cannot imagine a better life than the one He has given me.

To all who mourn in Israel he will give: beauty for ashes; joy instead of mourning; praise instead of heaviness. For God has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory.

Isaiah 61::3 TLB

The Tirado 5

You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings.

Psalm 23:5 NLT

Let’s Pray: Lord, we thank You for the blessings You’ve bestowed upon us. We have experienced such intense moments of weakness that we could not even call out to You, but You in Your infinite Mercy came to our rescue anyway. You have replaced our mourning with joy and songs of Praise. All Honor and Glory rightly belongs to you, O Lord. How we love Your ways! In Jesus’ Name we Praise You. Amen.

How has God come to your rescue in moments of weakness? Has your life turned out better than you ever thought it could? In what ways?

Many will say that women are the weaker sex. Many are wrong, some are right. We have our weak moments, ladies, but so often we rise above because we call out to the One through whom we are able to do all things.(Philippians 4:13) Women, we possess a tremendous inner strength that is unlike anything the world has ever seen before or ever will again. If you’re nodding your head right now, you know exactly what I mean. You’ve experienced soul crushing, heart wrenching pain, haven’t you?

I’ll bet you’re wondering about the title. How is it possible to be pregnant 12 times in eleven years? Oh, it is if you’ve had eight miscarriages, three cesareans and are pregnant with your thirteenth baby (the first pregnancy was twins and resulted in a miscarriage). If you’re wondering if “it” ever gets easier. No, the loss of a child is never easy. Time can scab over the wound, but it’s not fully healed for a long time. Every time I give birth to just one baby at a time, I mourn the loss of my first pregnancy – twins. This isn’t to say I’m not immensely grateful for the children I do hold in my arms. It’s just sad to never have met them or have that situation redeemed in the way I’d like to see it happen. (1 Corinthians 13:12)

There is a plan in everything that God does and I believe it is to strengthen us, to bring us closer to Himself and to break our will without breaking our Spirit. (Isaiah 55:8; Jeremiah 29:11) When my twins died, one at a time, they were six and eight weeks gestation, respectively. My husband shipped out for boot camp the day after we lost the second one. I nearly died from the infection that followed. There were a lot of tears, a lot of silent prayers and a whole lot of moments where all I could do was cry out to God. Was I brought closer to Him? Absolutely. He is Comforter, Friend, Counselor. (Matthew 5:1-12) He has been all those things to my husband, too.

Theresa was conceived three short months after the miscarriage. We all held our breath, wondering if this one would stick. She did! A healthy baby girl was born in the middle of a chaotic night in mid September ten years ago – the very night my husband returned home from his first overseas deployment. I’d went into labor spontaneously at the airport, but didn’t realize I’d been leaking amniotic fluid all day long and the baby was in distress. An emergency cesarean saved her life and brought her fully into mine.

Miscarriage number two happened before Chelsea was born. It was such a blip on our radar because we were preparing for deployment for number 2. We mourned a little together, Anthony and I…and then I watched his ship sail into the horizon and drove home sadly.

Chelsea was born during deployment number three, the following year. Fortunately, my husband was able to stay state-side for the birth (a repeat cesarean, even though I’d gone into spontaneous labor twelve hours earlier and was progressing normally). He was able to fly down to Panama to join his command after the birth. We were really blessed by that extra time together. The healing from the second cesarean took a little longer than we’d anticipated.

Miscarriages number three through five happened all in one year. We have no idea what caused any of these. My guess is a combination of stress and hormonal imbalances? I don’t know. I thought about looking into it, but with my husband deployed every year for six years straight, and raising two little girls on my own, I just didn’t have the heart or the time. My weight, my attitude, poor eating habits and lack of motivation to do much except “get through the days” were all reflective of the deep pain I was feeling inside. Internally, my thought process was “I’m a terrible Mother. God took my babies to punish me. He hates me and wants me to know with certainty that I’m undeserving of anything good.” As you can probably guess, my depression worsened and I wanted to die. (Job 3:11)

Miscarriages six through eight occurred sporadically over the next three years. All were early trimester losses and I never even made it to my first obgyn appointments to see their heartbeats. The bleeding began shortly after receiving positive test results for pregnancy. We mourned those quietly. Most never even knew we’d been pregnant.

Jackson was born on a sunny morning in late May two years ago. When the obgyn was sewing up my cesarean wound, he remarked that he’d also removed a fair amount of scar tissue from my uterus. He stated that this would make the next pregnancy easier, more successful. At the time, it was little consolation to me. I wasn’t sure I would ever want to have another child again. Three cesareans was enough to break my spirit just a little more. Not only couldn’t I carry most of my babies past the first trimester, my body also couldn’t give birth. A mix of joy over the birth of our first boy and sorrow over the loss of ever being able to give birth vaginally crashed over me like tidal waves. As I healed physically from the surgery, I suffered moments of regret so intense I truly believed that I didn’t deserve any of my children. My best childhood friend had just given birth to her third baby vaginally, unmedicated not long before I had Jackson, and I couldn’t even birth one that way. What kind of Mother fails her baby in the most basic way? I wondered, “would I ever give birth ‘the right way’?”

Flash forward to about a month ago, and I finally had my answer to so many questions I’d been asking myself for years. While filling out a birth plan form for an obgyn, I had this funny feeling that I should not be checking the boxes for a repeat cesarean. It’s difficult to describe just what was going through my mind, because I truly don’t believe the thoughts came from within my own head – they were divinely inspired by the Holy Spirit. As I read off the option of “I would like a mirror placed at the end of the bed so that I can see my baby being born,” I thought “well, that would be nice!” I didn’t check it off. I knew it wasn’t a possibility for me. No one does a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) after three. Or do they? (They do! Read ACOG Guidelines here!)

Something sparked inside of me, and I looked around on YouTube and Facebook for a support group or some sort of advice. Was it possible? Could I dare to dream? I found a local VBAC support group and read about a miracle VBAC doctor. He’d recently, successfully completed a VBA3C at a local hospital. My heart beat violently inside of my chest and my eyes turned toward the hills, as I prayed silently “Lord, could this be me? Could I be one of those women who boasts about the miracle You have done within them?” A little research and a whole lot of prayer later, I was on the phone with a hospital administrator who is not only VBAC friendly, but was encouraging me to go for a VBAC. I took her advice and ran with it. As soon as I got off the phone with her, I called the miracle doctor and made an appointment.

Flash forward to today, I am on my way to a VBA3C (Vaginal Birth After 3 Cesareans). The miracle doctor encouraged me to get a volunteer doula and to take childbirth classes. I’ve done both and I have to say, I’ve never been more encouraged or felt more supported while pregnant. I have the only male doula in my area, and while some would balk at that, I say “puh! You don’t know what you’re missing!” He’s a great source of support for both my husband and me. I’m also able to meet with the midwife at my doctor’s office for most of my prenatal visits (though it will be the miracle doctor who delivers Isaiah). Midwives are an amazing source of encouragement and support, too. How vastly different, how divinely blessed is this pregnancy! I cannot thank the LORD enough! I cannot praise Him enough! Every day, I’m waking up and thanking Him for this day. No matter what stress is going on in my life, it’s still a good day. I’m one day closer to my very first vaginal birth. One day closer to restoration. (Joel 2:25)

God is good. I know I can endure great suffering because God is right there in the midst of it with me, strengthening me. (Romans 5:3)

There are so many resources out there that now tote the dangers of repeat cesareans and give hope to the possibility of VBACs after multiple cesareans. You are not stuck in a repeat cesarean. You can switch providers! You can do this! (More ACOG support!) Call your local hospital, ask about their policies and ask to speak with the VBAC friendly nurse or doctor.Be firm, and remind the hospital that policy is not law. (Don’t be rude, though!) You have to advocate for yourself, decide in your mind that you can do this, and then run with it, no matter what anyone says. Keep looking for the VBAC friendly doctor – that miracle doctor out of hundreds that will say yes even after everyone else says no. (You’re going to find that most of these doctors are classically trained, so expect an older doctor. Not always, but often.)

Lord, I lift up to You the pain of others who also have suffered pregnancy loss. I lift up those who have lost infants and children young and old. You are good. You are capable of comforting, of healing and restoring. Thank You for never leaving any of us in our time of need. We love You, LORD. All Glory, Praise and Honor go to You. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

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Some journeys in this life begin when we’re off the beaten path and end shortly after we’re set on the right path. Madeline Elizabeth Kristine is a nod to that journey, the pain endured and the beauty that has come from the challenges that arose while finding the “right path.” You see, Madeline Elizabeth Kristine doesn’t exist – yet. It’s the girl name we’d chosen for baby number four, if he had been a girl (and for a short time, we thought he was). Each name is an a marker in time – a nod towards women of great faith who sacrificed a lot to help me find the path I’m on now. When I was at my lowliest, ugliest and most selfish, they selflessly loved me, prayed for me, sacrificed time and energy to lift me up. My children, my marriage and my faith life are what they are today because of these three remarkable women.

Madeline was the deaconess of the church I grew up in. She was the first woman I ever trusted with my deepest secrets and rather than judge me, she taught me to take those straight to the feet of Jesus and lay them down. She literally saved my life a few times when I was suicidal and she interrupted me with a phone call or dropping by to say hello. God used her in my darkest years of childhood to shed some Light on my situation. I thank God for her influence every time I consider what might have been, had she not intervened on my behalf.

Elizabeth was a neighbor several years ago who became a beloved “Aunt Beth” to my daughters. While we were only friends a short time, the influence she had on my faith journey will last a lifetime. Elizabeth is unwavering in her faith and in her dedication to her family. In all things, she is committed to doing right and walking on right paths. I will never forget this woman or how her prayers saved my family and my marriage. She is one of the most patient women I’ve ever known. This would probably surprise her to hear that. I hope that someday I get to tell her, even if it’s in Heaven. It’s worth the wait.

Kristin(e) is another woman who, like Elizabeth, continues to inspire me to be a better person. Her faith in all things marriage, motherhood and faith life is truly amazing. I do not use that word lightly, especially in regards to Kristy. She is the very definition of Super Mom because it’s not in her own power that she does all the things she does – she is filled to overflowing with the Holy Spirit, and it is evident in all that she does. She also spent countless hours praying for me, caring for my children and advocating on my behalf when life wasn’t going so well for me. (Because of the choices I made.) Kristy taught me more about grace-filled motherhood and marriage than I’ve learned from any other source, aside from the Bible(!).

When/if I’m blessed with another daughter, I want her to be as strong, resilient, graceful and beloved as these three women. They are absolutely some of the most amazing people to ever walk the earth and we are all better off because they’re here. May God be continually praised for their faithfulness and dedication to serving Him.

Madeline, Elizabeth, Kristy…thank you. Words are so insufficient, so I’ll continue to pray God’s blessings upon you week after week for as long as I live.

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In a previous post, I’d mentioned that we’re naming our fourth little bundle of joy Isaiah Mark Anthony, and I promised to share the story behind the name. While I know a lot of people don’t like to share names until their child is born, I don’t personally mind. “Steal” the name, or don’t. It doesn’t diminish from the meaning we’ve put behind it for our child.

“Isaiah” is an ancient Hebrew name meaning “Yahweh is Salvation.” My husband chose this name and while I initially argued for “Jeremiah” instead, the name has grown on me and I absolutely love it. It completely fits our family. God is our salvation. His very name, “Isaiah” will be a daily reminder who his helper is and where he can go in time of need. I love that legacy. May it continue to bless our family tree for generations to come.

“Mark” was my biological father’s name. He passed away last November, the day after Thanksgiving. I took it very hard because we were never close. He did not raise me. I didn’t even meet him until after I’d turned 18. Our relationship was rocky, at best. The hardest part of his death was accepting that I’d never have the earthly father I’d always wanted, needed and dreamed about. I had to completely mourn the loss of that dream. I’m still mourning it, if I’m being completely honest. Naming my son Mark is, to me, an acceptance of what was and giving a nod to what still can be, through another generation. We are not stuck in a cycle of abuse. We can end it, heal and move on toward a brighter tomorrow. “Mark” is an old latin name that means “god of war.” We hope our son will grow into a man of strong conviction towards the Christian faith.

“Anthony” is both my biological father’s middle name and my husband’s first name. I love this for two reasons: we’re nodding to the past, while looking towards the future. My husband is a loving, present father who daily makes sacrifices for his family. To be blunt, he’s everything my father never was. Because of Anthony, the cycle of hurt, neglect and abuse has been broken and we’re working towards a legacy of faith-filled family ties. The name “Anthony” means priceless, inestimable or praiseworthy. It’s an old English/Roman name and I think it’s wonderful, just like my husband.

We are only about eight and a half weeks from Isaiah’s due date, though I truly have a feeling he’ll be here a little earlier than that. I cannot wait to hold our little bundle of joy, lay hands on his sweet little head and bless him immediately following birth. We also have a tradition of reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 to our children within an hour or two of birth. It’s a reminder for us to love our children, no matter what trials come during our time raising them, and a blessing for our children to immediately be surrounded by the Word of God. On a whim, I began this tradition with our first baby, Theresa while my husband was sleeping. The thought occurred to me that now I’m a Mother. There is a huge responsibility on me to show this child what love is and how to love. Though I’ve struggled over the years to do this well, the Lord has been patient, merciful, gracious and kind to me as He teaches me, corrects me and guides me on right paths. I love the scripture in 1 Timothy 2:15 which states “Yet a woman will be brought safely through childbirth if she and her husband continue to live in faith and love and growing holiness, with habitual self-restraint.“

The Lord is so good to our family. I am amazed by all that He has done and brought us through. All Glory, Honor and Praise rightly goes to Him for the blessings and the refining trials in our lives.

I’d love to hear from all of you what you think of our son’s name and how the Lord has blessed you. You can feel free to leave a comment or join us on Facebook.

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I haven’t spoken about this, but it’s been on my mind and in my heart. You may have seen a couple posts I’ve shared among friends on Facebook, but…

My hometown in Oregon is in as severe danger as Texas, but because of fire, not rain. The fire is consuming over 100,000 acres of forested lands and is growing very quickly. It’s only 5 miles from the city limits. My beloved Mother in Law and her husband still reside there, for now. It may not be long before they’ll be required to evacuate. I know their two dogs are affected by the smoke in the air. Please keep them in your prayers.

Photo: Amanda Douglass, via Inciweb

My Mom and her husband also live in Brookings. My younger brother is also there. Between them, they have two dogs. I’m sure they’re affected by the fire as well. Pray for them, please?

In addition, there is an extremely large homeless population in my hometown due to the housing crash in 2015 (the same year we became homeless!) There are countless children, infants, women and elderly who are severely affected by these conditions. I know that our prayers are desperately needed.

I regret not posting anything sooner. It’s just that this situation is too close to my heart and if you know me well, you know that some things I have to process before I can ever discuss in detail. I don’t ever plan to return to Brookings in this life unless the Lord physically forces me back there for some reason.

If you’d like to keep up to date on what’s happening there, I’ve provided a link. I’m sure there are countless links to fundraising sites, however, if you truly want to help, I will direct you to one reliable source to give that has more than 20 years track record of reaching out to homeless, elderly, disenfranchised and children. St. Timothy’s Episcopal Church is the hub of homeless ministries and their Vicar, Father Bernie Lindley is a local fisherman and has his hand in many different community organizations. He was born and raised in Brookings and knows the people well. He’s well respected by local first responders and government officials and has the community’s backing to help those in need. You can reach Father Bernie Lindley at St. Timothy’s on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays between 9 am and 12 noon (PST) by calling: (541) 469-3314 or by email: office@sttimothyepiscopal.org or bernie@sttimothyepiscopal.org

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It has been about four months since I’ve written a word on here. Honestly, I’ve been hemming and hawing over what to do. We’ve had several big life changes, including moving to a new town, pregnancy, removing our kids from public school and career changes. As my good friend put it recently, “What’s a normal pregnancy without a move?” (Yes, we move a lot.) I just haven’t made time to sit and write, or to revamp the older content that I know isn’t working.

Sitting here on my birthing ball, I’m ruminating over all the changes still to come. God has brought us so far, and as I look around, there are still an amazing amount of changes yet to come. Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed, I remember his promise in Philippians 1:6 (Berean Study Bible Translation): For I am confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will continue to perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Ahh. That makes me feel better! He’s not going to leave me in this messy state!

One of the greatest changes yet to come is that I’m working with an OB/GYN and a doula to achieve my very first VBA3C (vaginal birth after three caesareans)! I am beyond thrilled! I have had all three of my babies via cesarean (not by choice) as the first one was an emergency c-section and the other two were repeats, via “hospital policy.” I’m planning an all natural, unmedicated VBAC for baby Isaiah Mark Anthony. (More on his name in an upcoming blog post.)

All of these changes are good. All of the work that God is doing is good, even the tough stuff behind the scenes (still paying down debt and continuing to learn to live frugally).

Back to revamping the blog – there’s been a lot of hard, heart-wrenching work that God has been doing in our lives over the past few years that I want to share with you. I know the layout isn’t fantastic and some of the content is outdated and needs to go or be revamped. This is where you come in. Can y’all let me know honestly what works and what doesn’t? What do you want to see more of? Let me know in the comments below. I’m going to be getting back an official domain name here soon, too.

Thank you to all my long-time readers and the new ones who inspire me and uplift me.

Love,

Miss Mandy

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About 3 weeks prior to giving birth to Jackson, my mind was set on tubal ligation. I was “done” having babies. – then I heard God clearly say “You’re going to have a son who’s going to help him (Jackson) in his ministry.” And I knew then that I wasn’t done having babies. I was honestly crushed and my first reaction was a curse word.

It took almost a year before I was even entertaining the thought seriously of having more children. I didn’t want more. It’s not that I don’t love kids, it’s that I’m a planner. I look at the realities of how much raising kids costs, what my husband’s career goals are, and I evaluate the health needs of my family (spiritual, mental, physical) along with economics. Having more kids makes absolutely zero sense financially. Looking at it from a purely spiritual viewpoint, it makes a *little more sense. I grow more with each child. I’m stretched beyond what I thought I could handle and I’m faced with many more faith building situations with each child’s unique set of life challenges – illnesses, discipline methods, personality clashes, learning differences, to name a few. Bottom line: raising kids is really tough! It’s not for the selfish, lazy or faint of heart. It grows you, changes you and redirects your focus to something so much bigger than yourself. There are so many parallels between parenthood and our faith walk that are beautiful, affirming and shore us repeatedly that God alone is fully worthy of praise. Parenthood is the toughest role I’ve ever taken on and I’m grateful that Anthony and I never have to do it alone. God is always here.
Parenthood brings multiple challenges especially harsh criticisms and judgment, even from people who truly don’t mean any harm. I see the looks people give me when one of my kids acts out in public. They’re judgemental, condemning. They reduce me to mere inches before I fight inwardly with myself to “toughen up”. When people discover I’m pregnant with my fourth baby, many make rude and disparaging comments such as:
“you know what causes that, right” ( Yeah, and it’s both fun and biblical to enjoy sex and have loads of it)
“All from the same father?” ( We’ve been together twenty years, so YES!)
“What are you going to do with four?” (Do you have any idea how much this one makes me feel like you’re calling me a horrible mother? Love them. I’m going to LOVE them.)
“Are you done after this?” (Ask God. It’s His choice how much He wants to bless us.)
“I just never saw the point in having so many kids when there’s so many unwanted kids already waiting to be adopted.” (Then go adopt and stop harassing me. I don’t fully disagree with you. I hope to adopt someday, too.)
“Can you handle another?” (I have to mentally edit at least five potential responses before I gracefully end with “yes, with God’s help.”)
Bottom line, I’m not done having children until the Lord shuts my womb. I fully trust Him to make that time abundantly clear. He has guided me through every other major decision and life change. I’m not going to stop trusting Him now. Can I “afford” more kids? Nope. Am I daily concerned with that fact? You betcha! I take that to Him in prayer almost hourly some days. He always provides. My faith grows and my husband, children and I are absolutely never without our most basic need – Jesus.
It’s time to change our views on parenthood, family sizes and pregnancy in the USA. We have, as a society at large, such a disconnect from God, from the Bible’s Wisdom and solid teaching and from simple faith, causing us to make far too many wrong, unbiblical and hurtful assumptions. God’s providence doesn’t always look the way we believe it will. It rarely involves comfortable methods for any party involved and it very rarely involves actual currency (for those overly concerned with that fact).
We’re so blessed to know, love and serve a very big God who intimately knows us, gives us infinitely more than we ever dared hope for and surrounds with His loving care and protection – even when it involves people and situations that cause us discomfort.
Parenthood is humbling. It’s terrifying at times. It’s always, always, always worth the sacrifices and hard work. We can all plan out our paths, but it’s the Lord who directs our steps. Maybe we could all be a bit more mindful of that?

I, Mandy, boldly declare that I do not currently use birth control and I never will again. I’m about to tell you why, but first…a photo of my amazing family!

Aren’t they cute?

This is a hot topic, isn’t it? Let’s all agree that no matter what our views are, we will discuss this topic in a respectful manner. I’m posting this based on my personal feelings after having researched this and considered for quite some time. I didn’t just get a wild hair and decided to make everyone mad. 😉

First of all, I want to say that in past, I have used both “the pill” and Paragard. I recommend neither for reasons that are both secular and faith-based. The pill I used was Seasonale. What this particular pill offers is birth control with regularly scheduled periods every three months. That’s nice if you hate periods, or, like me, you needed a jump-start to your periods because you hadn’t had one in four years. Yep. I started this pill long before I even became sexually active. I have a long, painful history of endometriosis and ovarian cysts that burst every four months or so, causing me a ton of pain.

Back to the pill. I took this pill for just under a year and then stopped. When I got married to Anthony, I decided I didn’t want to take birth control. To me, it felt irresponsible. When you have sex, you have to know that pregnancy is possible. If you don’t want to get pregnant, don’t have sex. I have always had a strong faith in God, and I wanted to let Him decide the size and timing of our family. It never felt right to prolong pregnancy for any reason. I will touch more on this in a moment, in addition to the downside of any birth control pill, even Seasonale.

Flash forward five years to 2011. I was healing from yet another miscarriage (I’ve had more than I can count on both hands) and I wasn’t dealing with it well emotionally. My husband was deployed again and I was raising our two girls alone in a weird town, surrounded by people I didn’t really know all that well. I felt pressured to stop having babies, and I wrongly succumbed to the pressure. I started a conversation with my doctor that lead to me making an appointment to get an IUD installed in my body. I chose Paragard at the advice of another friend. This device remained in me for two and a half years until I just could not take it anymore and I got the thing out of me. Seven months later, I got pregnant with Jackson. He is now about to turn a year old! Cue the cute baby picture…

Jackson chose an advanced weapon from a more civilized time as his first toy weapon. That’s my boy!

All that having been said, I’m going to tell you now what issues I had with birth control and will always have with any and every form of birth control. They stop God’s blessings from coming. I do not believe that it’s ever okay to limit what God wants to do in my life. By taking birth control, I would be doing just that.

I am pro-life. This includes suicide, doctor assisted suicide the death penalty and abortion for any reason. It also includes birth control. I believe that life begins at conception and I have not seen evidence to support that it doesn’t. I am open to receiving actual scientific proof, but so far, it doesn’t exist. There is, however, scientific evidence that a flash of light occurs at conception. That is incredibly exciting! You can read the article HERE.

My biggest issue with “the pill” (all types of birth control pills”) is that they thin out the uterine lining, making the womb a very hostile place for fertilized eggs, and keeps them from implanting. Instead, they cause your body to eliminate the egg, fertilized or not. This means you can still conceive a child but thanks to the pill, it will not implant, so the fertilized egg – your baby – will be eliminated from your system. It will be aborted within a week of conception. It’s not a natural phenomena because your body hasn’t just randomly selected this life to end. It ended because your body has synthetic hormones inside that are making it a hostile environment for fragile new life. I’m not okay with that. In fact, I feel really sick to my stomach considering that fact. I was on the pill for a couple of months after getting married. I have had to really pray and ask for God’s forgiveness, knowing that I may have gotten pregnant sooner, had I not been on “the pill.” If you’re interested in reading more about birth control pills and what they do, please visit the links at the bottom of this blog posting.

What I’ve discovered about IUDs is not much better. They are inserted into your uterus and are supposed to prevent sperm from ever meeting an egg, however, they can still meet an egg and you can still conceive and abort a baby while having an IUD inserted, just like being on “the pill” and I am 100% not okay with that. One of the ten commandments directs us not to murder and I take that seriously. I don’t believe that passively murdering the unborn is acceptable in the Lord’s eyes.

All that having been said, I also understand that it’s quite the challenge to raise a large family in this day and age and that everything is really expensive, kids are a challenge and that money doesn’t go too far for most families. Yep. I totally get that! I also know that what is impossible for us to accomplish on our own, God makes possible through His people, through faith and through very hard work. I also know from personal experience that we do not need as much stuff or as many activities as we think we need. But that is a blog post and a discussion for another time entirely. 😉

What should you do if you’re currently on a form of birth control? That is for you to decide. You will need to talk about it with your doctor and make a decision that is right for you and that is in line with your own beliefs. If you’re a Christian, I encourage you to discuss this issue with your Pastor or another trusted member of your church leadership in order to gain more insight. Weigh this against God’s Word. I encourage you to seek out what the Bible says as well. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you, through God’s Word what you are to know regarding this topic. Prayerfully ask God to make clear what He wants you to do. I am not going to tell you what to do or not do beyond that. It’s your body and this is your choice. I encourage you to educate yourself before making any decision. Whenever I’ve jumped into things without ruminating on them for a while, I’ve always regretted it. Don’t do or not do something because someone told you to.

Sterilization is something I’ve only recently heard discussed in faith communities and I don’t feel that for our family, it’s a good choice. I may change my mind later, but right now, my personal belief is that while it doesn’t even allow for any chance of conception, it still limits what God can do in your life. I don’t want to limit that. I want to do what God asks me to do, no matter what. Parenting is hard, but it sanctifies me. It blesses me. It sanctifies and blesses my husband. And it increases the number of God’s people on the earth. In the end, I believe it blesses God, too.

As I was editing this post before posting, I read it to Anthony in order to gain his insight. After all, he is a big part of our growing family! 😉 He said he agrees wholeheartedly. I’m not too surprised since this is a topic he and I have been discussing at length recently because…I have the baby fever again and we are hoping to conceive again, in God’s timing. Our family is not “done” yet.

Having said all that, I am very curious to know what your beliefs are on birth control. Do you believe it’s okay to use it? Do you believe God calls us to use it? What about sterilization? Do you feel that it’s okay to medically sterilize yourself in order to avoid pregnancy? What have been your experiences? Please share them respectfully in the comments below.

“Judge not, that you be not judged.For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?

Matthew 7:1-3 ESV

Ah…this scripture. I love it and yet…I find that it drives a stake right into my heart every time I read it. Yes, it kills the monster in me that just want to scream “You’re a fool!” to some random person. You see, I can’t do that because I’m a fool, too.

We all are going to make mistakes daily. We’re all struggling in some way to do something right all the time, but we’re never going to reach perfection. We’re not God. We are called to sharpen our brothers and sisters by gently rebuking them, redirecting their attention to the scriptures and by praying for them, but we are never called to monitor their every move in order to harshly judge them or call them a fool. Search your hearts, brothers and sisters. You may not be doing exactly that, but there may be something similar going on in your life right now and you…as well as I, need to stop it right now.

We are not loving our neighbor when we’re people watching only to create websites that display the foolishness of humanity. ( Yes, I’m talking to you, People of Wal-Mart.) We are not loving our neighbor when we call out their insecurities and make fun of them for it. We are not loving our neighbor when we feign friendship only to gain insight for scholarly gain. (Term papers, social studies, etc.) And we are certainly not loving our neighbor when we’re consistently, without love, calling out our neighbor for mistakes they’ve made in life. You know what I’m talking about. We’ve all done some variation of this. We have to check our hearts, folks. If we’re not correcting out of love and concern for their souls, we’re judging harshly and inappropriately. Check your heart and then lead your heart.

Most of us will naturally become annoyed with anyone with whom we’ve spent too much time. We’ll step on each others’ toes and make silly mistakes that don’t feel silly. They’ll hurt feelings. We’ll intimately get to know our neighbor and yes, we’ll discover hot buttons that when pressed, will create deep wounds. We are not to take advantage of this, or even use this to “correct” our neighbor when we finally find out “what’s wrong with them.” Chances are that whatever “issue” you are finding fault with in your neighbor is more your problem than theirs. We will see our own issues and insecurities manifest themselves in others when that is what we’re placing our focus on. Regain focus. Look to Jesus and pray for your own heart, then look back to your neighbor with a heart full of Grace and love. What do you see? If it’s not a person made righteous by Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, then you’re going to need to look away again and refocus your eyes and your heart on Jesus before you can safely (without sin) look at your neighbor again.

I am speaking to you, too…self. I am having such a problem with this issue as well. I really struggle with making harsh judgments towards those with whom I am spending too much time. God has placed my family in an interesting and sometimes extremely uncomfortable situation right now. I’m learning that God doesn’t care too much about my own comfort as He sets my heart right.I am very grateful for this and that He checks my motives before giving me the desires of my heart!

Jesus has already died to set you free. You are no longer a sinner, but a saint. (read: 1 Corinthians 1:2) You are made perfect in God’s eyes because Jesus absorbed all of your punishment on the cross. (read: 2 Corinthians 5:21) We are not called to obey the law in order to retain our salvation. (read: Matthew 5:17) We’re called to obey the law out of love. (read: Romans 13:10) We need to live this out every day, to the best of our ability. When we can’t or don’t, there is grace. Please don’t abuse that! (read: Romans 6) We are all in need of grace. None of us are in competition with anyone else for our salvation. We already have it. Just look to Christ to grow you and mature you more each day. You can do this! God has equipped you with everything you need.

Let’s pray:

Heavenly Father, we come to You boldly, in the name of Your son, Jesus. We thank You for the Holy Spirit that loves us and guides us. We ask that You would make us sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Help us to hear it more clearly and know when we’re making harsh judgements and when we’re truly seeking to correct or rebuke a brother or sister out of love. Help us to focus first on You, Lord and correct our behaviors, thoughts and attitudes before we even dare to look to others. Thank You for growing us and for fulfilling Your word that You began a good work in us and You will see it to completion. We confess that sometimes we don’t trust that. Sometimes we also try to do things on our own and that leads to burnout. We get frustrated with ourselves and become critical of others. Our focus is lost and we sin against You by sinning against Your children. We are sorry and we humbly repent, admitting that all sin is against You and Your will for our lives. Thank You for Jesus who has borne our sin and those of our neighbors as well. Fill our hearts with Your love as we reset our focus back onto You and away from idols and sin. In Jesus’ Holy and perfect name we pray. Amen.

Hey y’all! Do you want to go on vacation next summer? Us too! We can’t afford to make a line item in our budget for a vacation, so we’ve had to get tricky and think outside the box in order to fund our first ever family vacation. Yes, I said first ever. We’ve never been on a real family vacation before, so we’re planning to take one in 2017 no matter what.

But how will you fund this thing, you ask? We’re feeding our pig! No, we don’t own a real pig. We have a big, chubby piggy bank we’re feeding every time we find a coin or cash in our bottles and cans for money. All of that goes straight into the pig.

Seriously the saddest photo of a pig I’ve ever seen. This pig needs to go on vacation!

How did you ever get such an odd idea, you ask? I got this idea on my birthday when I was thinking up ways to give a gift to my family because they have given me the gift of love everyday. I shared my idea with them and they love it!

Originally, we’d started saving coins in a clear two and a half-gallon jug, but we could see the coins and after years of emptying it every time we had an “emergency” we decided that just wouldn’t work, so now we’re feeding the pig! So far, we have it about half full already! We estimate there is about $50 in there, but to be fair…it was already about 1/4 full when I first got the idea. I’m excited to crack that piggy open next summer and see what’s inside!

You might be asking “well, what happens when you fill the pig? Will you empty it out and refill it?” Well, yes and no. We’re going to leave all the money in there until next summer. When this pig is full, we’re going to fill another pig. Ideally, we’ll make our own pig out of fun recycled materials. If we do, I’ll be sure to share the tutorial of how we did it. If not, you know me…I’ll fess up and humble myself enough to tell you we broke down and purchased one at the Dollar Tree or a yard sale. 😉 I estimate we’ll fill this pig by the end of summer, but we’ll see!

We have some ideas about what we want to do. The kids obviously want to go to Disney Land, but I am vehemently opposed. I do not fit that into my list of values. There are much more frugal things to do with that money, y’all! Personally, I’d prefer my kids experience a national park or a cool new beach. I want to experience the outdoors and reset our natural clocks…maybe get Anthony to wake up before 8 am for once? (Yes, I am one of those annoying morning people. I wake up happy, want the house cleaned and children fed before 9 am. I swear, I was meant to be an Army drill sergeant. I missed my calling.)

Anyway, this is going to be a really interesting experiment. If we can all keep up with it, we’re going to have an amazing time. If not, well, I hope the kids like beans and wieners cooked over a campfire at a local campground because I am absolutely serious when I say we’re going on a vacation next year and it’s absolutely not going to be funded by our line item budget – this is all to be funded by coins and bottle returns.

What is the oddest way you’ve ever funded a vacation? Have you ever tried to fund one from bottle returns and coins? How did that work out for you? Share in the comments below. And remember – feed your pig!

A random photo of my adorable son enjoying his first BBQ rib last night. Because my sense of humor is nuts and I love showing off my super amazing kids. Enjoy!

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Anthony and I are almost there! We’ve almost made it to our ten year wedding anniversary! I am so excited! We are planning a day trip to the town we went to for our honeymoon. Our kids will be joining us for the adventure and they’re pretty excited, too.

We were just discussing all we’ve been through over the last ten years. Many of you probably don’t know this but…we’re currently homeless. We’ve been homeless for seven very long months. We’re hopeful a home will open up soon and in the mean time, we’re trusting God to provide for our needs. So far, He’s provided temporary shelter and unemployment benefits. Yes. He’s looking for work, too. He lost his job three months ago. It’s been a very, very tough ten years, but they’ve also been beautiful.

Anthony and I have grown so much, maturing in our faith and settling into our stubborn personalities. We’ve learned to work together for the greater good of our family and we’ve fought sin together by staying up late, praying for help, on our knees.

By no means are we the “ideal couple” and obviously we’ve made our fair share of mistakes, but we have been redeemed by a Holy, powerful God. We’ve turned to Him, accepted Him as the Savior of our souls and our marriage. In turn, He’s worked incredible miracles in us and through us. It’s exciting to look back and see God’s hand in our marriage. There were so many times we (foolishly) wanted to throw away our marriage, but God said NO! And here we are…about to celebrate ten hard fought years. Praise God!

Whatever you’re going through in your marriage, you’re going to make it. Even if you don’t feel you can commit to your spouse, commit to the marriage and what it represents. You’re two who have become one. You’re a physical representation to your spouse that they’re never alone and they are the same to you. Cherish that. Protect that. You don’t want to fall alone.

A Navy chaplain once told me that even when I don’t love Anthony, I can still care for him. I can cook him dinner or wash his underwear. I can care for his physical needs and through that act, the love will return. When my hormones are raging or I’m exhausted or angry with him, I remember that. I remind myself to care for him and sure enough – the love does come back.

How about y’all? How long have you been married? What has God done in your marriage? Tell us! We love to hear about His mercies and miracles. And remember – no matter what you’re going through, God is there. Trust Him!