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Life as I see it

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I got a phone call Tuesday from my sister informing me that my father is on his deathbed. Stage 4 bone cancer. This on top of the dementia that has been eating away at his mind for the last several years. The last time I spoke to him it was a struggle to form a coherent sentence. He knew me, but could not tell me who my wife or kids were. That was a year or two ago, so I have no idea how far gone he is now.

Some of you may recall a song by Mike and the Mechanics from the early 90’s called “The Living Years”. The song is all about the distance and disagreement between a father and his son. The first verse says:

“Every generation blames the one before, And all of their frustrations come beating on your door.

I know that I’m a prisoner to all my father held so dear I know that I’m a hostage to all his hopes and fears I just wish I could’ve told him in the living years

Oh, crumpled bits of paper filled with imperfect thoughts,

Stilted conversations I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got

You say you just don’t see it he says it’s perfect sense , You just can’t get agreement in this present tense

We all talk a different language, talking in defense.”

That pretty well perfectly describes my relationship with my father. I did not listen to that song this morning on my drive in to work, but I heard it in my head nonetheless.

My father and I have been estranged for quite some time. So, as I type this post this morning I am not entirely sure how I feel about the news I have received. I guess, if I were a “normal” person I would have called in to work this morning, taken the rest of the week off, and rushed off to see him in his last moments. I didn’t do any of those things.

I did inform my manager of what was going on, simply because I am not sure how I am going to react. I wanted him to be prepared in case I abruptly left, or began sobbing uncontrollably, or something…

The thing is, I am as much a spectator in this situation as everyone else. I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know how I will feel. I have no idea how I will react when the anticipated passing of my father happens in what I assume will be the next few days. So I am, in many respects, watching a movie I’ve never seen before, and waiting to see what happens.

I think it’s entirely possible that when a new idea or concept strikes many of us we have a tendency to believe we have “discovered” something. Our epiphany is an epiphany for all mankind. I’m sure this is particularly true if we are considered (by ourselves or others) to be “smart”. But then you talk to someone else, or read something someone else wrote, and realize that there is nothing new under the sun.

Nevertheless, while exploring my thoughts and feelings on the matter I was struck by the notion that in the end our lives are really just a series of snippets in the memories of other people.

We are born, in many cases we procreate, and eventually we die. The circle of people who care about any of these things is relatively small. The number of lives most of us will touch is also relatively small. In the end, even if a whole lot of people know who we are, the people who actually feel our loss is a small subset of that number.

Who we were becomes a function of how we are recalled by those still living. Being forever silenced and unable to correct the record or defend ourselves, perception becomes reality. All the things we accomplished fade away. The awards and achievements, the degrees and certifications, all of the accumulated pieces of paper and plaques…all piled into a pine box alongside the husk of who we once were…and turned to ash and dust along with us.

All that remains are the smiles or frowns of those who knew us when, from time to time, we come to mind. The things we said or did traded in for the things people think we said or did. Nothing lasting, nothing permanent. In my case, having fathered two girls, not even my last name will carry on. All that will matter when all is said and done, is what those two girls think of me, when they think of me.

Lest I depart too sharply from my normal manner and thereby cause consternation amongst my friends, let me follow up by saying….I’ll be dead. So, in reality, I won’t know, or care, what anyone still alive thinks. It certainly does make for some interesting thoughts though…and no doubt quite a few tee-shirts and bumper stickers about how all that matters is how we treated others, etc.

Right now, in a house I’ve never seen, in a town I’ve never been to, surrounded by people I’ve never met…my father is dying. When I imagined for a moment what going to his funeral might be like, and what I would say if I were asked to say something, I came to some conclusions. I guess it’s up to the reader to determine if those conclusions are sad, or insightful, profound, or ambivalent. I can’t rightly say.

For the record, and for those not familiar with the situation, I will briefly recap. My father left my mother in the most cowardly manner I could imagine. He was a pastor and he ran off with the church secretary. He married her shortly after his divorce from my mother went through because, as he explained to me at the time, they didn’t want to live in sin, “any longer than is absolutely necessary”.

My mother is, as are we all, a flawed woman. But she continually and constantly pounded one refrain into my mind from the time I was old enough to speak. “I hate a liar”. That can be translated over to, “I hate a hypocrite”. I did see, and still see, my father as a hypocrite. I believe he violated sacred covenants, abandoned his flock, led people astray, and committed a whole host of other things that his faith deems “sins”. Nevertheless, he did them. And he did them for the most base of reasons. I have never truly found it in my heart to forgive that.

That fact is in and of itself intriguing to me. I know women whose fathers sexually molested them, and they have found it within themselves to forgive them and attempt to repair the relationship. My father broke a vow to a God I don’t quite believe in, and (to be fair) he also lied to me in the process. But these things seem so much smaller than the things other people are able to see their way past. So I have to consider for a moment, is the failing his, or mine?

Not that I bear him ill will, or walk around with anger in my heart. I just added him to my internal list of people I prefer not to associate with. What that translates to is, in the last 15 years I’ve seen him once and spoken to him by phone 3-4 times.

I guess in my dad’s case what angered me was that he set himself up as a leader and an emissary of God, and then fell on his face. And he didn’t stumble over some unusual set of circumstances or extraordinary moral conundrum. He was tripped up by the same shit he lectured me on.

He demonstrated conclusively (in my mind) that Jesus isn’t changing hearts. He tore apart his own family, and the family of the woman he committed adultery with, and then he shrugged and said, “God forgives me, if you don’t that’s your problem”.

And now he’s dying.

What would I say if I were asked to say something?

My father was not a great man. Some would tell you he was a good man, and I wouldn’t rise to oppose them, though I would disagree. In the end, he was a man. He had his flaws. He had his vices. He had his shortcomings and failures. I do not begrudge him any of these things. We all have things about ourselves we are less than proud of. But he lacked honor, and was therefore not someone I chose to spend time with.

My father paid his bills, fed his kids, and served his country. He spent 4 years in the Air Force and the rest of his working life at NSA. He taught college courses, coached tee-ball, baseball, and softball. (An interesting aside, my dad was tried out to play Catcher for the Baltimore Orioles way back in the day.)

He gave to me my love of reading, chess, and debate. He taught me to think. And when he was younger and in decent shape, the man could play baseball.

He participated in the rearing of two moderately successful children. His progeny is no burden on society.

I hear that in recent years he got involved with child welfare and became some sort of court appointed advocate.

That’s it. That’s all I know about the man.

I recall a few ridiculous things like the way he would stick his tongue in his cheek when he was angry. I remember a few times we almost came to blows during my teenage years. I remember he was a bit of a clown, and enjoyed being the center of attention…which I suppose is the unspoken reason he chose to go into the ministry.

Mainly, since I hung up the phone with my sister, I have been thinking about more abstract things.

I wonder if he’s scared. I wonder if he’s even cognizant of what is happening. I wonder if he’s looking forward to “going on to be with the Lord”. Or is it possible that now that the question is no longer rhetorical, he has his doubts?

I wonder who has come to see him. I wonder, when I am in his position, who will come to see me? I wonder if he wonders if I will come…or if he even remembers my name. If he does remember my name, and does hope that I will come, will the last thing he feels be profound sadness? Is that my fault? Does it matter?

Assuming he has anywhere near a firm grasp on reality, I wonder does he look back on his life with regret, or satisfaction? I wonder how I would answer that same question.

In the end I am simply writing this because I am experiencing an event I will only ever experience once. I am not looking for pity or condolences. My father has not been an integral part of my life for a very long time. I won’t miss him more the day after he’s gone than I did on any given day last month.

I’m simply thinking about things, and seeing them, in a light that only shines once. So I’m capturing my thoughts and passing them on.

Like this:

Let me forewarn you, this is not going to be a touchy-feely post. If you think every living human being is a special snowflake, or if you’re a Democrat, this will likely offend you. You should know that I do not care if I offend you. You have been warned.

In the wake of yesterday’s execution of two members of the media, live on television, in Roanoke, Va. I have spent some time contemplating the problem of gun violence in America. In the interests of full disclosure, I am one of the millions of Americans who both own guns and did not kill anyone yesterday.

Democrats, of course, rushed to the nearest microphone while the police were still chasing the suspect, to denounce gun violence. Having no respect for the victims or their families, and being unwilling to allow a tragedy to go to waste, they couldn’t wait for the blood to coagulate before making speeches. Virginia Governor Terry McCullough, in a rare moment of intellectual integrity, answered a question concerning how the gunman got his weapon with the truth. He stated accurately, “I don’t know anything at all”. Which only serves to starkly highlight the poignancy of the question, “Then why are you speaking?”

Nevertheless, I considered for a few moments whether it is in fact a gun problem that we have.

Some, like my friend Kristine, advocate for better mental health assessment and treatment. Some, like my friend Eric advocate for stricter measures to keep guns out of the hands of criminals. Completely ignoring the fact that much like immigration our problem is not a lack of laws or regulations, it is an unwillingness to enforce the laws already on the books, or an ineptitude at performing the task. I imagine, were it possible, Eric would prefer to live in a world much like The Minority Report, where we simply arrest people before they commit crimes. Perhaps we would use criteria like independent thought or a belief in inalienable rights as our criteria. Who knows?

But I believe our problem is much simpler and more base. We have a heart problem. We have an inconsistency problem. We have an evolution problem.

We have spent all the years since Roe v Wade devaluing human life. We have taken the eternal, incorruptible, judge of all mankind out of our education system. We have frowned upon, and in many cases outlawed, parental discipline. We have created an entitlement society. And then we have taken these kids that believe they are entitled to everything, answer to no one, and have no obligation to respect the sanctity of human life, and turned them loose on society. What exactly did we expect would happen?

I would like to propose a radical solution to this problem. Radical at least to some, though wholly consistent with the world view that those same people hold. Which makes it decidedly more amusing, and at the same time frustrating.

We have established that abortion on demand, at any stage of pregnancy, for any reason whatsoever, is a woman’s right. Chopping up fully formed, late term fetuses and selling their body parts for profit can be videotaped and broadcast, and even the so called “conservatives” can’t bring themselves to inconvenience anyone in the attempt to de-fund the organization doing it. In short, at any time prior to a baby actually entering the atmosphere outside the womb, it can be aborted for no better reason than the convenience of the woman carrying it. I propose to take this principle a bit further.

A woman can decide that it is counter to her career goals, her ambitions, her sex life or her figure to be pregnant. She can simply choose to end the life of her child. This is (in our societal view) legal, moral, ethical, and fair. But the fact is, the birth of a child does not simply impact that woman and her career. It impacts the community they live in, the schools they attend, the people, and the property around them. So I propose that we adopt a more Spartan approach to child rearing.

There are a number of paths we could go down with this, but I will focus on 3 of them.

Children born to obviously unfit parents would be taken away from those parents and placed in an environment designed to turn them in to productive, contributing members of society. People with drug convictions; prostitution convictions; charges relating to child abuse or endangerment; a history of dependence of welfare or food stamps; and any person that has appeared on Youtube saying or doing things that are unacceptable in civilized society (spitting on people, shitting on cars, throwing rocks at police, etc.) should automatically lose the right to carry on their obviously faulty genetic code.

Parents that fail to teach their children how to act in public, should bear the punishment for their children’s actions. We need a little more Singapore, and a little less bleeding heart. I guarantee you that if a child vandalizes a neighbor’s property and the father is taken down to a state facility and caned…dad’s will start paying more attention to teaching their kids to respect other people’s property. The problem today, and it is rampant in the lower economic strata (yes, I said “the inner city” or “ghetto”, whichever you prefer), is that parents make babies and turn them loose. Thugs and punks are knocking up two-bit whores, squeezing out babies, and raising the next generation of thugs, punks and whores. As a society we need to break this cycle by holding parents accountable for the actions of their children.

In Sparta a weak or imperfect child would have simply been killed. I realize this approach offends the delicate sensibilities of our modern culture. And to be honest, kids aren’t born bad. It takes a piece of shit parent (usually) to raise a piece of shit child. So I propose instead to resolve the problem at the source. People who have been through steps one and two above and continue down the same path, should just be thrown off a cliff. We’re not running short on people, and it’s not like the guy who is going to cure cancer is sitting around in his wife beater right now, watching Oprah, smoking a joint, and screaming at his kids to shut the hell up. One of those kids *might* cure cancer, given the right opportunities. But we can get by just fine without the father (and to be honest, the kids will be better off).

As far as “mental illness” and all the other plagues that seem to be overwhelming modern western culture, we have only ourselves to blame. Nature works hard every single day to strengthen the gene pool by eliminating the unfit. We circumvent the natural order by preserving them. They continually mingle deficient traits, further weakening the gene pool. As a result, we wind up in a society full of messed up people, doing messed up shit (like killing reporters live on television).

Take Charles Manson for example…he’s been in prison virtually his entire life. He started his life of crime as a young child. it culminated in the formation of a cult, resulting in the deaths of several people. On not a single day in his entire existence has Charles Manson’s presence been a positive. Yet we keep him in jail, for decades, at Christ only knows what cost, when a bullet to the back of the head would cost about $1. Can someone explain that?

I know…I know. “Doug man, you’re messed up! We can’t just go around deciding who we do and do not want alive in our society and killing those we don’t want!” Really?? We’ve done it somewhere between 50 and 60 million times since Roe v Wade.

So tell me why we can kill the innocent with impunity, but we must preserve the lives of the guilty in the name of humanity?

And tell me why, if your kid is in a Chuck E. Cheese, acting like an asshole and spitting in the faces of other patrons, I shouldn’t be able to hold you accountable for being a horrible parent, and beat the shit out of you for a half hour or so?

Like this:

Looking out at the world through our own eyes, I think it is normal to believe that “most people” see what we see. At the same time, we all believe we are unique. This is, of course, demonstrably untrue. If each of us were unique individuals entire bodies of science would not work. Polling, statistics, psychology, criminal profiling, marketing, etc. We are all different arrangements of the same basic things, leading to groups of similar people. One can argue that our “souls” are different, but our minds are, by and large, most certainly not.

So I feel confident that there are many people like me out there. People who feel what I feel, see what I see, hear what I hear. As such, I have to believe that many folks can relate to what I am about to say.

From time to time I grow weary of the several thousand songs on my thumb drive. I go to Amazon and download a cd or two, transfer it, and listen to new music on my way in to work. This morning I downloaded a cd appropriately entitled “Now That’s What I Call 80’s Hits”. I fired it up and let it play while riding down the road. Somewhere along the way, “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins came on.

I was 16 again. My dearest friend, was telling me that she was leaving for college in Boston. I sat in the window of my second floor bedroom listening to this song. For four years this song was *the* song. It was the soundtrack of my life. Dana was the only one who really knew me at all…

A smile crossed my face as I considered the power of music to transcend time and space, and transport you to places long forgotten. I began to think about that line. “You’re the only one who really knew me at all”. The sights and sounds of a time long behind me came rushing back. Decision points and intersections were recalled to my mind. Things I said and did…images, faces, some with names, some without. “You’re the only one who really knew me at all….” That was my fault.

My mother asked me recently why I was such a hard ass in my youth. I explained to her that the peaceful neighborhood the adults lived in was not the same as the violent neighborhood I lived in. I ran in a pack. A wolf pack. And to show any sign of weakness to anyone, ever, was as good as asking for an ass whoopin’, or worse. So I became this cold, unfeeling person that no one wanted to mess with. I never got in a fight past the age of 13 or so, because I made it clear that you weren’t going home if you jumped on me.

Much like lying eventually trips you up because you forget who you told what, so too with being vulnerable. So, rather than risk flipping the switch at the wrong time, I simply broke it off. I once backed down the entire Glen Burnie High School football team because when they surrounded me outside the school I looked at the biggest guy there with no fear in my eyes and a knife in my hand and said, “If you’re gonna do something you best get started, lunch is almost over.”

Dana was the only person I knew at the time that I was completely sure would never hurt me in any way. So she was the only one who really knew me at all. Against All Odds was her song.

Somewhere in the middle of all that I met Thaeda and Tereasa. They came to know me over time as well.

Tereasa was the best friend of my girlfriend. When Maria and I finally broke up, Tereasa and I did not. Thaeda was the twin sister of Tena, a girl I briefly dated (and still know to this day). My introduction to Thaeda came in the foyer in front of the cafeteria. She was promoting the chess club. I walked up to her, sat down and said, “You know your sister is a real bitch”. I spent the entirety of that day sitting at that table playing chess and talking. We’ve been the closest of friends ever since.

Over all the years since then (29 to be exact) there have been ups and downs. Dana and Thaeda have remained. I intentionally cut off contact with Tereasa a few years ago, during a phase I was going through. I reestablished contact with her this morning. When she accepted my friend request and responded to the message I sent her I have to admit I cried a little.

I recently posted Hard To Love by Lee Brice to my wife’s Facebook page. Some guys do that kind of thing as a romantic gesture. I did it because it is true.

I have gone out of my way over the course of my life to be difficult. I have, with words and deeds, essentially punched my best friends in the face just to see what they’d do. Amazingly, what they did was stand back up and keep loving me anyway. I used to see that as weakness. I used to see it as a pathetic co-dependency, a desperate need to be accepted, a willingness to endure nearly anything just to be thrown scraps from time to time. Like an abused dog that still comes when you call it.

I realize now, and I guess I have for quite some time, how much more strength it takes to be them than it does to be me. I have purposed in my heart to be more like these people, and less the person I have been. That is, of course, easier to say than it is to do. Honestly assessing your own character is difficult. Identifying things that need to change and actually changing them, is monumental. Like turning the Titanic.

As is often said, every choice I’ve made along the way has led me to where I am now. Each day that passes contains decisions that shape who I am. There are a lot of days behind me…

But I have come to a place in my life where I have to be honest with myself. “A life well lived” is about more than making money. It’s about more than where you live or what you drive. It’s about more than “success”.

I have come to understand that a life well lived is one filled with friends and family. It’s about loving and being loved. It’s about facing pain, and fear, and failure, and coming through it to brighter days. It’s about extending your hand to someone you think might not take it and loving people who may not love you back. It’s about being open, and vulnerable. Because when you shut and lock the door to your heart as I have done, you block out the good as well as the bad.

Tereasa doesn’t have a song. She was a well worn jacket. There. Comfortable. Familiar. And I fear I took her friendship for granted, like finding my keys in the pocket of the pants I was wearing yesterday. I never thought of her in an emotional way, and so I never attached a piece of music to her. I’m going to see about changing that. Tereasa is the only person who has ever read all of my poetry. She’s my politics and religion debate partner. She’s the voice of reason when I’m being unreasonable. She was never afraid to confront me…and I needed that.

Thaeda’s song is My Sacrifice by Creed. “Within my heart are memories, of perfect love you gave to me. Oh, I remember. When you are with me, I’m free. I’m careless. I believe. Above all the others we’ll fly. This brings tears to my eyes….” You are, without question, the best friend anyone could ever ask for. You have been “home base” for me for virtually my whole life. When I get in too deep and lose my way, you are the place I head back to. You’re also the only woman to ever get me in a headlock I couldn’t get out of. 😉

Dana, I love you. Always have, always will. Since I was 12 or 13 years old. I still recall the first time I ever saw you. You have been the pure, loving, person I have aspired to be worthy of all my life. When we were young you’re song was Against All Odds. At one point it was “I Can’t Fight This Feeling” by REO Speedwagon. Today it is When You Come Back To Me Again, by Garth Brooks. I have always been the ship out on the ocean, at the mercy of the sea. You have always been the lighthouse, shining to show me the way home.

My beloved wife Beverly…you have so many songs it would take a hard drive to record them all. Suffice it to say that you have literally been right by my side during some of the darkest moments in my life. Reaching out to take your hand has literally saved my life. I’m working on becoming the person you deserve. I have a long way to go.

EmmaLeigh, my oldest. You are the legacy that any parent on the face of the planet would be proud to have. So much more than I deserve, and so much more than I have any right to claim. You have somehow managed to take the few good qualities I ever exhibited to you and combine them with your mom’s best qualities. I take solace in the fact that with all that I’ve done wrong I must have done something right. Which is why your song is Butterfly Kisses. It was your song when you were an infant, and now as you grow in to an adult the words take on the sweet sting of truth. You will always be my first love.

Laura….my baby. I cannot help but grin at you. You are like looking in a mirror for me. You speak truth without fear. You see obstacles as challenges, and you overcome them. I watch with amazement as you tackle musical instruments, sports, acting, and all the other things I wish I would have done when I was your age. I know being the second child is not always easy. But, I want you to know that I am every bit as proud of you as I am of Em. You do not hold second place in my heart. You have all of it. Your song was, and is You’ll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins. I’ll be there for you always….just look over your shoulder.

It is a difficult thing to go from being a solitary individual, to a friend a friend would like to have. I don’t know that it is possible or even desirable for me to become an “outgoing” individual. I cherish my peace and quiet too much for that. But what I can do is listen more and argue less. I can just say what I feel more frequently, and be less guarded. I can learn from those around me instead of acting like I have all the answers.