Since we are in Ho Chi Minh we decided it would be prudent to head south and check out the Mekong Delta on a day trip.

An early kick off is required leaving the city at 6:30am on a private tour as its the best way to see everything, we went by private car and accompanied by a knowledgable guide named Alex, will get to see it all.

We should have known better, Kylie and I met as tour guides in Turkey for back packers and we occasionally had a bad day but this guy was priceless.

From the on-set he pretty much complained about other nationalities and how they eat to much at the buffet or actually want to see everything stated on the tours, ticking things off as they go?

Anyway, on the drive down we got a stop during the 2 &1/2 hour trip for the “happy room” where free tea was supplied, whilst the driver ate breakfast.

We got to see a few rice patties but compared to last years trip from Hanoi to Halong Bay, they were pretty scarce.

There was no commentary, except the story about all the graveyards being in the rice fields so whenever the dead feel like returning home for a visit, they can, oh and they paint them a different colour every New Year because it’s like a change of clothes for whoever is buried there.

This was repeated 3 times during our trip, either;

(A) Alex really likes the story

(B) it’s his only story he knows

(C) he has memory issues or

(D) he doesn’t really care if he repeates himself

Personally I think (C) but I reckon any or all of the above would get you a correct answer.

When we arrive at the wharf, Alex wanders off to buy some food but points out the happy room and some stalls selling all kinds of wonderful things that we can buy.

It’s the same old stuff we always see including lots of ladies selling rain coats as its about to pour down, we have kids so came prepared and had packed ours so no need.

5 minutes later, Alex arrives and says don’t buy the coats, we have some on the boat for you, lucky we didn’t buy any waiting for him.

The boat is great, just us with 4 reclining deck chairs, coconuts sliced open with straws stuck into them, fruit, we are on top of the world.

We putt around the corner and there it is, the Mekong Delta, well at least the water way where it usually is at 5-7am in the morning, the travel company had neglected to mention that you don’t see any trading on this particular tour as we get there too late??

It was still pretty cool as we did get to buy a pineapple from a boat loaded with thousands of them for twice the price you can buy them on land, Alex stayed back afterwards to pick up his share of the spoils.

Onwards we go, feeling like chumps but still willing to give it a go, next stop, a quaint village with a bee farm, was that on the itinerary, oh well it will be great I’m sure?

Ok, Kylie his highly allergic to bees but we won’t go to close to them, no no but Alex brings them to us, trying to grab everyone’s fingers to push into the honey comb with 100’s of bees on it.

Soon enough they are buzzing around our ears wanting revenge for being disturbed from their work, we get to drink honey tea which draws them to you even more, just fantastic!

We get urged to buy some stuff as the only way out is through the shop but why do I want honey, no deal, Alex is mortified!

More walking takes us through the “quaint village”, Jesus this is a cracker, rubbish is everywhere, as are stalls selling more stuff and a very slippery muddy track leaning towards to Mekong.

A coconut candy farm is next which is actually fairly interesting, and the kids get to eat some candy whilst watching how it is made and hand packaged, before you get spat out into another shop for more tea.

Here Alex’s words of advice are buy 5, get one free, we buy two things and move on, Alex is missing.

Next we ride on some little row boats through narrow waterways of what we were kind of expecting but unfortunately not quite, before getting off and meeting Alex to walk through the “gardens” to the restaurant with traditional music.

Someone should have mentioned hiking boots as the fact we all got there without going down in the mud is an absolute miracle, I know it’s a wet area but seeing “the garden” was not worth the risk.

We arrive to a Kings welcome and are seated in front of a guitar and a musical instrument akin to something John Butler would play, we should be so lucky.

A guy who looks like he’s just been put in clothes for the first time with a comb whipped through his hair climbs out of a hammock and along with a quite beautiful older woman, starts to sing.

She is excellent, he keeps missing his lines, at least that’s what it looks like to us as she appears to be coaxing the words out of him and the old fella old playing the instruments is pretty bloody clever, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.

We asked Alex why the fish is called elephant ear, he says because it looks like an elephants ear.

I admit it’s a strange looking fish but an elephant ear, no way.

Bloated beyond recognition, our stomachs find their way back to the reclining chairs on the boat and Alex informs us that we have one hour trip to our next destination so rest up, he swiftly jumps into a hammock and goes to sleep,.

I’m starting to think maybe he used to sing at the restaurant but has worked his way up the food chain.

This hour of the trip is excellent, with lots of narrow waterways bordered by plants with big leaves that look like elephant ears and other interesting things to see including seeing locals at work and barges and boats heading the other way loaded with produce heading for tomorrows floating market I presume.

When Alex wakes up just prior to arrival at Vinh Long, we tell him what we’ve seen including pointing out some nets at the edge of the elephant ear plants.

He says they are fishing nets, now we’d already worked that out, then we say, “do you think the fish we ate are caught in those nets below the elephant ear plants?”

“Maybe” he says, then you see his mind working, far out its slow but the light bulb flickers and dies before igniting his grin to a full blown elephant ear fish smile.

It was like watching a child take his first steps, the next tour he takes is in for some wonderful info on where the name comes from.

Getting off the boat we are greeted by a young boy/man who has minor agent orange deformities begging for money, obviously we give him some as we have to every person who has asked here in Vietnam and the numbers are high!

The town of Vinh Long happens to have a fantastic food market of which we get a whirl wind tour through.

In that time we see exactly what we had been hoping for, fruit, vegetables, spices and live fish and animals. It’s a fair dinkum market and we soak it up.

The chooks and ducks are all tied up, ready for sale, dead or alive, however you want them.

The fish, snakes, turtles, crabs and eels are splashing and crashing around in shallow drums of water, obviously wanting to escape but it will only be as far and the wok, with more are coming in and being soughted all the time, it’s chaos but great.

One thing does turn our stomachs slightly, like the toads for sale, skin on or skin off are the options, both are alive!

Alex drags us out of there with another look at his watch so we figure we must be late so head back towards the wharf, along the way he does some bargaining so gets delayed shopping allowing us to enjoy more of the market and town before encountering our most confronting image yet.

A boy or maybe a man rides up on a push bike with massive deformities to his beautiful smiling head.

His head is at least twice the size as “normal” with a flat face, wide eyes and cheek bones and a deep set chin, he kind of looks like something out of a Jim Carey film but this isn’t something you find yourself laughing at, it’s so sad!

But he isn’t sad, he’s looking at us and smiling as if we are the strange ones and it’s a BIG smile, mostly directed at the kids who smile back.

Don’t get me wrong, the questions are coming thick and fast but after we mention agent orange, poisoned mums and dads bellies, war museum, it hits them hard as they’ve seen the pictures.

Jett is worried and says what if no one wants to marry him, how can he have kids but Maddi assures him that he will be ok as there is some one out there for everyone.

I can honestly say he has the most unnatural face I could ever of imagined seeing and to think there are over 1,000,000 people in Vietnam (not including the returned servicemen’s families in American) effected by agent orange today, makes me realize how f***** up that war was.

We had better pray that nothing like that ever happens again as generations of poor souls continue to pay for it!

The trip back to Ho Chi Minh was fairly subdued, helped along that was when you see first hand what happens when a semi trailer runs over a moped with someone on it, not good!

On a side note, Alex did provide us with some excellent information on Vietnam’s history and the workings of the bee and candy farms so he wasn’t as bad as I make out, I think he’s just worn out and missing his family who happen to live in Nha Trang which is 10 hours drive away from him and a far too expensive option for him to even consider doing once a month.

It’s a hard life here, far better than it used to be before the American’s came back in 1993 and Bill Clinton’s visit in 1996 but still a lot harder than we could ever imagine.