this is what happens when you dump everything out and start over

Monthly Archives: May 2012

My left breast hurts. I wore a lulu sports bra to work today. I generally fits fairly well. Except my left breast is larger than my right, and I have a chaffed spot. Awesome. Being chesty for most of my adult life has related into some entertaining experiences with sports bras. I am one of the lucky? When I lose weight, the boobs, do not go first. Never. I have been a full D cup or larger since I was 13. Physical activity requires 2 or 3 sports bras, and I have tried combinations of regular bra’s, most every sports bra, and built in bra known to man. The newest under armor bras are decent. The best I’ve seen in a long time! It’s expensive ($70+) but really nice to just wear one and not have to fight your way out of multiple sweaty tight layers. Sometimes I just want to incredible hulk style rip out of them! And the tighter the better, but then you get boob acne, headaches and sometimes it’s even hard to breathe.

Boohoo… I know. Yes people pay thousands of dollars for what I have! My ex was a boob guy, and would say something (jokingly) like, why wear eye make-up? Everyone is looking at your boobs! He was probably right. He made a comment about my boobs once, while my mom was around, I said something about, yeah I grew them myself, but I got them from my mom…and she snorted and said something like “you should thank goodness she didn’t get my ass…” My mother is a funny lady.

So the real blog today is of course the hump day weigh in, but my chaffed boob was distracting, I had to get the sports bra rant “off my chest” HAHAHAHA!

185.6 it’s ok, a little loss. Cherise said if my scale was going to be a debbie downer I would have to throw it away. I can’t lose sight of why I started this, (to feel better) and celebrate those improvement regardless of the imaginary numbers on the scale.

Measurements today, Bust 44, (down an inch!) waist 33 1/2 (down 1/2 inch) and hip 44 (same, same). So I have an hour glass shape, perfect is 9 inches different from waist to hip to bust? I think… Looking at the pictures I posted last week, my arms look better! My legs and ass look better too, I think. I am wearing clothes that I wore years ago, and when I was 170, so I guess that says something about muscle tone…

I will blog about the day after I got accidentally drunk, but I have to make a flyer for work, get some exercise, and meet some friends…blog soon!

I’m not feeling sexy. I’m disappointed because of the number on the scale. It feels like I’ve been dieting FOREVER… Yeah it’s hard work, I knew that. And my inspiration wanes and flows. I feel better, and I know I look better, but… I don’t feel like I look better, does that make any sense?
Months ago I went for dinner with a friend, I was complaining I didn’t feel like myself, being sad and fat. I lamented that I used to be SO HOT. He is a no nonsense type guy, he looked at me and said “What’s wrong with the mirrors at your house? You have fun house mirrors? I think they have regular ones here… Go look.”
So basically, stop whining, it’s the nicest thing he’s ever said to me. I think of that when I get down on myself, funhouse mirrors.
I took a couple pictures, I’m about to go for a bike ride so I am wearing AWESOME bike shorts

You don’t get a front view picture in my bike shorts, not the most flattering camel toe. That’s the last thing that needs to be on the Internet!
Ok, A little vent, and a pity party, I feel better already, now to apply sunscreen and go for a bike- have a great weekend all

Stepped on the scale today, 186.4. I’m so disappointed. I have been eating well, exercising everyday. I even set a personal best for the mile this week, one mile walked in 9min 5seconds. Shit. I haven’t been counting calories, maybe that’s what I have to do. Maybe I’m shredding my body and building lean muscle mass like crazy! Bahhaha! I know it’s what everyone says when dieters post a gain… Or no loss.
I can wear clothes now that I wore years ago, when my weight was 170, so that must say something about the tone in my body, I’m still slightly disappointed. Happy hump day, I’m off to make my shake and pack a lunch.

May long weekend, and it looks like it’ll be a beautiful one! Of course people need liquor, so my store will be busy, and I’ll be there extra, but I had an amazing long weekend last week. Funny how taking your “long weekend” early makes dealing with working thru one a little easier!
I have been good about 2 shakes and a meal with healthy snacks all week. I’ve put away 16-18 pallets worth of product this week to get ready for the long weekend, I’ve walked 27k this week and today I walked down to the tennis courts and played! I made a new friend, to do activities with.
I signed up for a walk & yoga workshop on Sunday. And today I purchased a groupon for 10 yoga sessions here. I feel like it’s something that is really missing in my everyday life, must practice yoga!
I initiated contact with a boy… A real life boy! The trigger? An especially complicated matcha green tea order, made me look like a modify novice. Turned out that how he and his girlfriend always order it, 😦 BUT, the point is I didn’t run away. I was NEVER shy before, so I’m not sure what my issue was, shaken confidence I bet.
I will lose this week… Yes I will… Power of positive thinking!
One of the views from my 27k

Thank you Micah for reminding me to use my hour today. After work and a trip to get eyelash extensions, I laced up for a walk. It’s a windy day, but beautiful, and I am so glad to be out here instead of doing laundry or cleaning my house!
I weighed this morning, 186. So a slight gain, but mostly retention, damn uterus. My clothes feel the same. I’ve decided to get back on the vi shakes, another 90 days. I’ve been having them here and there, breakfast in a rush or after a workout, but time to dedicate again. Natures fair this weekend for flax seeds and hemp hearts! Happy hump day!

I am in the middle of a full blown relapse. I am not soaking up the boxes of kleenex that I was a few months ago. But something about this warm weather, spring/summer, has sent me into a renewed tizzy of heartbreak. Maybe all this warm weather, and the lure of outdoor activities has left me feeling lonely. So many things I want to do, and can do alone, but are of course better shared. Funny that the response I find myself in being lonely is to push people away. Almost a nahnahnah, I will push you away before you have an opportunity to be too busy for me. Hence the title. Putting myself first does not mean I can’t make time to see my friends, or flex my schedule to make time for loved ones.

I had a long weekend from work. No plans, and a full-ish bank account, with nothing but sunshine in the forecast for the next 3 days. I needed some personal time. So up and ready at 6 am, I packed a bag, grabbed my passport and hopped in my car. I drove the Hope Princeton Hwy #3 Mostly for the Lulu lemon outlet in burlington but partially because until I was in my car at 6:45 AM I had completely forgotten about travel insurance. I’m an adult, I always have an emergency plan/fund, and I purchase insurance. I had a new audio book and an iPod filled with 950 random songs. The drive was beautiful. Sunshine, but not so busy, probably because it was early. I went thru a speed trap, thank you cruise control, and waved at the handsome RCMP. I saw a black bear, on the shoulder of the road, as big as my car and about 10 feet away. that was a little unnerving.

I arrived in Abotsford, had lunch, Bought insurance, and then enjoyed a triple skinny latte while I did the liquor order for the store. I crossed the border just before noon. The guard clearly thought I was INSANE and asked me 3 times if I was visiting, meeting or seeing friends/family. I guess the thought of a single woman traveling to a city on her own with no agenda does seem a little suspicious. I should have told him I was meeting my new internet boyfriend, fresh out of jail for a romantic camping excursion.

I’ve been to Seattle a number of times. basketball, baseball, soccer, NFL, concerts, shopping. Many romantic and or fun trips and great memories with not just my Ex, but my parents and great friends. Honestly the entire trip was a little masochistic, and I did get melancholy. I did miss him. I cried a bit while driving, and BELTING out lyrics while listening to my random iPod at ear ringing decibels.

I shopped, first at lulu, then at tululip outlet mall. I bought a cool purse that converts into a bike bag, a new water bottle and a new pair of runners. All healthy choices, I have this love affair with crazy sexy high heels. If I had unlimited funds I would easily have a 300 pair shoe collection, in 4 inch candy colored sparkling and shining silhouettes. Wedges, spikes, rhinestones, polka dots, animal print… But I resisted adding to the impractical shoe collection.

I was getting into seattle center round about 5pm, and traffic was a stop and go mess. My hybrid car shutting off did make me feel slightly more environmentally savvy in the city. I veered off on an exit mostly because I didn’t want to fight the traffic to get in another lane. I had no specific designation, therefore could not be lost. Makes sense right? I ended up in freemont, an north west suburb of seattle, and somewhere I had been before, Cherise and I had taken the duck tour (crazy trucks that turn to boats) And I had collected shells on the beach just North of there (Belview) with my mom. It was a beautiful evening and the beach sounded like bliss after spending the day sitting.

I went to the golden something beach, I guess I could look it up, but anyways… Interesting mix of families, homeless people and mens beach volleyball players. I feel in love, deep meaningful complicated love, with a couple of the volleyball players, not the bums. Tall chiseled men, half naked with lean physiques and light, well trimmed beards. You know, my type. They could have been cousins with my ex. I tried not to be toooo creepy…

I enjoyed the sun, walked on the beach and dipped my toes in the ocean. I started to get hungry and abandoned this half naked man mecca for the prospect of mamas nachos.

Mama’s is a place my Ex and I discovered on one of our early trips. Been there since 1978 it is a dive of a place. Posters are shellacked to the walls, none of the furniture matches, it is a hodgepodge of throwback elvis memorabilia, alternative art/theater, and hipster fuck culture. I LOVE it. The food is good, fast and plentiful. The margaritas are strong, and the people watching is intense. It is at 2nd and Bell if you ever make it down.

After gorging myself on nachos I just wanted to lay down. I still hadn’t decided on a hotel, so I drove around a bit. I was thinking staying in a different area then “usual” might be good for my psyche. I drove up by the university and down broadway. The rainbow section of town. I watched the sunset on lake union, but ended up back downtown. Stayed in a familiar hotel, thought I might go see avengers at the IMAX. Sadly it was sold out, so I had a bath and cozied into my king size bed stretched out like a starfish sideways. Hotels are one of my favorite things.

Because I suck at sleeping in I was up and showered, ready to go before 8am. I really wanted a shopping session at H&M but that was about it. I really have no need of more clothes, my storage unit is full of rubbermaid containers of clothes and shoes and purses, in addition to my jam packed closets. Going thru it all with reckless un-abandon is on my list of things to do. Maybe when I hit my goal weight? Or size 8?

I walked down to pike market where vendors were setting up, loving the people watching with my coffee in hand I killed a full hour. Then I walked up to H&M and tried on 40some items before sensibly narrowing it down to a few tanks, a sleeveless shirt and a cute spring dress.

My plan was to hit a soccer game and stay another night, but really…by myself…so I decided to start heading back and see where that took me. I plotted my drive home a different route than normal, so it was a circle tour.

Now how did I come to the conclusion I am an asshole? Well, I was confusing self awareness and making myself a priority with selfishness. A terrible vice, Selfishness creates pain and anger, not a way I want to live my life. I am grateful for the friends and family I have, I really am fortunate, but keeping them requires a certain standard of behavior. I will put myself first, but I can strive for balance when it comes to time with loved ones. I had dissected and thought of this on the way down, so the drive home was a sun soaked carefree trip.

I was free tomarvel at the spectacular view, cascade mountains still sprinkled with snow, Dense moss covered forests with the sun slinking thru the leaves leaving long shadows, Wide sage valleys dominated by the impressive Columbia River. Road side raspberries just bursting to bloom. Enormous rocks and boulders jutting out of rivers. A Lake so still it was like glass as far as the eye could see. I enjoyed a little jaunt thru a town where the town square was filled with laiderhosen (sp?) wearing locals and there was an overwhelming scent of sausage. None of the signs in this town were neon, or lit, just painted.

I listened to an audio book, “Drop dead healthy” By A.J.Jacobs. A funny book about one mans quest to be the healthiest man alive. Worth a read if you are a reader.

I arrived home around 7pm. Satisfied, relaxed and a little sunburnt. I feel renewed. To blog, to diet, to live, and maybe to date…

Lovely morning in pike market, I ogled the flowers (mothers day). Grabbed a coffee and bought some honey skin products. I also picked up some fresh blackberries and strawberries. My plan was to get a cheesecake factory slice and enjoy it in Stevens pass with my berries, but they don’t open till 11! No way I’m waiting 2 hours for cheesecake. Thank you universe…

I am doing a poor job of putting myself first. I like myself, better than I like anyone else. And I am the only person who can make ME a priority. It’s getting busy at work, it’s spring wine fest, I have people to see, and places to go. But my personal time is suffering. I may have to say, “No, I can’t come see you, I need to spend an hour on myself.” Can you imagine… I am going to try.

I stepped on the scale today, and I’m still 186, and all my measurements are the same, so despite all the wine sampling and party going I’m holding steady.

So what do I need help with? I need to remind myself why I started all of this. I need to renew vigor and get motivated. I also need to say no. No. No. No. So far so good. I am leaving work early tomorrow, and taking a 3 day weekend. I haven’t made ANY plans, and the entire weekend will be dedicated just to me. Come monday morning Calorie counting and shakes again. 5-6 hours a week of exercise. Because I deserve results.