Ponderings

I hadn’t planned on writing about Mental Illness again for a while but I’ve been having a bad couple of weeks and it got me thinking…what if I’ll never be rid of this?

People live with conditions that can’t be cured, only managed, all the time. What if this is one of those?

What if this is just how I am, forever?

The tablets, that seemed to be a miracle cure, have stopped being quite as effective as they were. Is this just a bad patch? Am I going to be able to climb back up again? Or actually, is this just a normal thing that happens to everyone? I get confused as to what I should be feeling while I’m taking my medication. Should I be feeling happy, elated, sad or desolate?

Should I be feeling anything at all?

I look around at everyone else and wonder if they struggle as I do. If this is normal? If I am normal?

I feel things too deeply, I think too much, I go over and over it all in my head until I’ve forgotten what exactly it was I was worrying about in the first place.

I want to stop taking the tablets, I know that isn’t going to happen. I’m not well and this is a real condition, it’s not in my head (except it is) and I need medicine to help me control my intensely low mood. But, even with it, the self-doubt creeps in.

I’m not good enough, I don’t do enough, I can’t cope with enough, I am not enough.

And it feels so ridiculous that I would feel this way because my life is wonderful. I am happy, I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful dog and wonderful family and friends. I enjoy my job (save for the moments when I lose faith in myself and start to believe I’m no good at it). I have no justification to feel the way I do and that’s how I know it’s an illness, because if I was well, I wouldn’t feel this way.

Life is a tightrope between tears and laughter and it’s hard to stay balanced. Ultimately, this is me and that isn’t going to change any time soon but I’ll keep treading the rope and moving forward.

I know I’m not the only person to feel this way. I know there are so many of us out there. Perhaps this IS normal. Just needed to get that out there. Keep on keeping on guys, we got this!