The Bachelorette Recap: Introducing Emily’s Suitors

Welcome back, Bachelor and Bachelorette lovers! We're Alyssa and Allison, unabashed Bachelor fans and your trusty rose recappers. It's been a long nine weeks since Bachelor Ben made a decidedly unpopular choice and selected fitness model Courtney as his leading lady, but we're back--this time with a sweet-as-pie Southern belle cast as the Bachelorette hopeful. You may remember Emily as the fan favorite from Brad's season, but in case you're just tuning in, she's the single Southern momma with the devastating back-story and adorable daughter Ricki. This season, we'll be here, recapping every bad analogy, swoon-worthy moment and fallen man-tear.

Photo Credit: ABC/CRAIG SJODIN

In honor of last night’s premiere, we’ve passed out superlatives to the stand-out (sometimes not in a good way) guys. Here’s to hoping that between the dude drama, bad hair and helicopter rides, Emily finds her happily ever after–oh, and her minivan full of babies.

Weirdest casting choice: BrentBrady Brunch Brent has SIX kids! When he causally mentioned his brood to Emily, we thought he was kidding or that he was talking about pets, but he actually has a half dozen children. We have nothing against kids, but how many women want to be saddled with seven of them?

Biggest surprise: JefWe were fully prepared to hate Single F Jef. He rides a skateboard. He has a pompadour. And his biggest offense: His name always sets off our spell check. But Single F actually turned out to be charming. We love that he owns a company that gives back to Third World countries. And he seemed sweet and shockingly mature. Let’s hope we don’t have to eat our words next week.

Photo Credit: ABC/CRAIG SJODIN

Creepiest entrance: TravisWe get it–a first impression is everything and they are tough. Between the fake granny, the boom box jig and the helicopter, there really were some winners this season (not), but Travis definitely takes the, uh, egg. In a fifth-grade homework assignment gone wrong, this grown many honestly thought it would be a good idea to carry around an ostrich egg this season as a symbol of Emily and her offspring, vowing to take care of it just like he will take care of the pretty ladies. Well, in a show notorious for it’s outrageous dates (skydiving or cliff-jumping, anyone?), here’s to hoping he brought a Baby Bjorn for that thing.

Photo Credit: ABC/CRAIG SJODIN

This season’s Courtney: KalonWe didn’t think the meanie-model from last season could be topped, but it looks like Kalon might pull out ahead this season. Here’s a hint to any future contestants: arriving on a helicopter will automatically make you the most hated person in the room. He was already butting heads with gents on night one, and we have a sneaking suspicion that he’s largely to blame for of all the drama shown in the season’s preview. Here’s to hoping Emily ousts him faster that Courtney can say, “killshot.”

Worst hair: Michael There was a lot of competition in this category: Alessandro and his flippy locks, Alejandro and his borderline rat-tail, Ryan and his wave-slash-poof. But in the end, we’re giving the prize to Michael, who we only remember because of his very long mane. He actually kept tucking it behind his ears all night! We thought we endured enough bad hair for a lifetime with Ben.

Most welcome sendoff: David Emily showed some smarts when she sent David, the singer/songwriter, packing. Not only did his singing sound like nails on a chalkboard, but he also spouted lines like this gem: “[Emily and I] have all of these disparate facets that ultimately converge.” We’re thankful we don’t have to put up with him for a moment longer.

Worst Use of A Prop: Tony
If Tony introducing himself as “Charming, Prince Charming” wasn’t weird
enough, there’s also the shoe. We think he was aiming for a shout-out to
that classic fairy tale (you know the one), but it was just a total,
tacky miss. Sorry, Prince Charming.

Biggest wardrobe malfunction: StevieStevie’s less-than-stellar attitude toward the other contestants may have left a bad taste in our mouths, but his wardrobe choices left us nearly blinded. Let’s just say that green shirt was doing him no favors–he looked more Ninja Turtle than charming suitor.

Buzz word of the season: “Stunning:” Last year, Ben couldn’t get enough of the word “incredible.” In this episode alone, the guys called Emily “stunning” about 15 times. We know she’s gorgeous–we have eyes–so we don’t need to hear it every three seconds. When they start talking about her personality, we’ll start listening again.

Early front-runners: Arie: The producers decided to be cruel and throw a racecar driver into the mix (Emily’s NASCAR driver fiancé died on the way to a race), but Emily took it in stride. And if she can get past his profession, Emily may go for the laid-back, blue-eyed Arie. We would!

Nate: He didn’t say much this episode, but he’s adorable and he didn’t come with a cheesy prop, so major points for that.

Charlie: Ah, charming Charlie with the head injury. We were intrigued by his backstory and delighted when he and Emily seemed to be hitting it off during cocktail hour. And then, he dropped this gem: “I may have had a head injury, but there’s nothing wrong with my heart.” Well Charlie…we’re going to give you the benefit of the doubt–although you should probably blame that sound bite on the head injury. Just sayin’.