Here’s the new episode. Episode 35 of The Ask Dr. White Cosby show. It’s called “We’re Back!: A Cosbysaur’s Story, for stupid reasons. Look. I’ve never been sure if anyone is reading these introductory paragraphs, so, you know, whatever. Just listen to it. It’s good! I know we’ve been on some kinda improptu hiatus for months, but White Cosby jumped back in the recording saddle, and squeezed out a quality episode answering all of your advice questions, or at least four more.

Winning, never-fail advice PLUS a lengthy section about farts? WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

Addressed in this triumphant comeback spectacular?

How do I tell someone I love that their online grammar is atrocious?

How do I get my husband to stop drinking during my pregnancy?

How old is too old to be clubbin’?

Can you help me write a sex scene for my novel?

Plus, it wouldn’t be an Ask Dr. White Cosby without telling you how to feel about pop culture and entertainment, and this week the good doctor spits his opinions all over The Amazing Spider-Man 2!

Snow gently wafts down, finding purchase upon the ever-growing bank of a frosted windowsill. A kind of hush is all over the world tonight. The good little boys and girls are tucked tight into their bedding, pleading with their various gods and goddesses for a pile of material treasures to further distract them from social and economic turmoil. Single adults drink until they make permanent sexual mistakes. And watching it all, from his holy judgment throne deep within his Ocean Palace of Christmas on Uranus, sits the gift-giver, the advisor, the ethicist: White Cosby. The myth of Santa Claus was born of St. Nicholas AND White Cosby’s boundless generosity. And his gift to all of the peoples of the Earth this year is this phenomenal* episode of the Ask Dr. White Cosby podcast!

White Cosby doesn’t give disappointing gifts, like figgy pudding. Which is this awful mess, right here.

So as you devour your sugar plums and your cracked nuts, snuggle by the fire with the one you love and get the answers to all of your holiday questions, or at least the following:

What is with the never-ending loop of Christmas music EVERYWHERE?

How does White Cosby celebrate Hanukkah?

How can one hide crippling alcoholism from family during the holidays?

I left my son at home alone and left town – what do I do?

What do I get the ho’s?

What do I get for the person who has everything?

How do I avoid eating EVERYTHING this holiday?

How many turtle doves for a friendship?

It’s a Saturnalia miracle! And what’s more, White Cosby chokes down the entire cinemaplex, reviewing all of the movies out right now in his World Famous White Cosby Movie Review Holiday Season Round-Up YEEHAW!

Praise Mithras!

*Compared to not getting an episode at all, which was really possible.

War. Poverty. Injustice. High gas prices. Young-Earth Creationism. There’s a plethora of reasons to dismiss humanity as nothing more than a failed experiment, a wild shot in the dark towards civilized behavior and polite society that ended with starving children and Gwenyth Paltrow. It is time for the original lords of this planet to resume control, and White Cosby is their humble servant. Who better to be the gatekeeper, ready to hand the keys back over to the mutant plant-animal hybrids destined to dominate the planet than that genius-savior, that warrior poet? …As long as he’s guaranteed a right-hand spot in their new green regime, of course.

These four will be the first to die. Not because they wronged White Cosby, no – they’re just old.

You too can get in on the action, if you follow White Cosby’s advice. You can be on the correct side of plant life history, armed with the answers to the following, found in this week’s amazing episode:

How do I deal with fungus growing on walls, and how do I cope with a massive move?

What’s the best way to confront my wife’s bad table manners?

How do I shut up the gabby women in my gym’s pool?

When someone forces himself to release spam does it have any effect on his hearth? (SIC)

And White Cosby goes deep in the world of folk rock troubadorism in this week’s World Famous White Cosby Movie Review of Inside Llewyn Davis!

Gather ye round and stuff yon faces – the most reddest, whitest, and bluest of holidays is here and you are all invited to partake in the festivities and the foodtivities with your gracious host, White Cosby! Now, ever since he was kicked out of college for pranking all of the deans so hard that several campus buildings sank into the Earth, WC’s been living and hosting Thanksgiving dinners out of his car, but his bounty is large and his heart even more so. Feast upon his knowledge until every orifice spurts an excess of cranberry sauce!

You could spend Thanksgiving with these people, or you could do something valuable with your time and listen to this episode.

Sit down in the passenger seat (the “head” of the “table”) and sup upon the feast laid in front of you, all stuffed into the cupholders and compartments. Amongst the dishes prepared for you to scarf down are

Just What is Thanksgiving, and Why Isn’t it in The Bible?

Is It Tacky to be Asked to Help Out Financially With Thanksgiving Dinner?

Should I Go Vegan?

How Do I Deal With Tofurkey-Obsessed Relatives?

How Do I Get My Family To Eat My Cockentrice?

Stuffing or Dressing?

What’s the Deal with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade’s Obsession with Christmas!?

That’s right! A metric Thanksgiving-ton of questions to be answered in one overstuffed show! And stick around for dessert: the World Famous White Cosby Movie Review of Oldboy!

Oh, and the fourth Die Hard is called “Live Free or Die Hard.” Don’t forget.

Welcome, newest students! You’ve just entered the prestigious halls of one of the most venerated institutes of higher learning this planet has to offer. Our lush and verdant common areas are great for tossing ’round the ultimate disc or hacking the sack. Our bookstore offers ancient tomes and exorbitant prices. Our food is … edible! And our professors have all given up on life and have nothing left but filling young minds with the crushing truth about the outside world. Fortunately you’re taking every single class with a fellow student so well-versed in all aspects of life and knowledge that you’ll get an easy A. In fact, he’s your new dorm mate – he’s White Cosby!

White Cosby is going back to school after that unfortunate incident on “To Catch A Predator.”

So, in between crazy keggers, dangerous hazing rituals for your frat, and visits to the on-school clinic to check out that weird wart you got after the crazy kegger, you’ll want to consult this episode for White Cosby’s copious notes on such topics as:

IsThere a Way to Mask my Bathroom Noises?

How Do I Stop My Daughter’s Whoring of my Granddaughter on Facebook?

How Can I Find A Stranger to Visit Thailand With Me?

How Do I Ask Out A Girl and Escape the Friend Zone?

But it’s not all studying and banging – White Cosby invites you out to the drive-in after the malt shop to see The Hunger Games: Catching Fire for the latest World Famous White Cosby Movie Review!

Uncap a fresh batch of Gamer Grub. Down two liter cans of Four Lokos. Rub those Cheetos-smeared controller mitts together in greasy anticipation of the next gerenation of advice podcasts. Check out this fat stack of day one DLC, fellow gamerz: White Cosby’s bringing the reviews straight to your hungry mouth, with all of the sprites and polygons, the bleeps and the bloops you murder-sim-loving couch jockeys need.

Abandon your loved ones immediately – videogames are happening.

In between unreal matches of Unreal and marathon sessions of Marathon, White Cosby found the time to squat down and pop another episode out of his magic orifice, answering mind-blowing questions like:

PS4 or Xbox One?

Is it tacky to wait in the car while my wife gets us a table at a restaurant?

How do I make the moves on my girlfriend when her 95-year-old mother is around?

How can I make a Thanksgiving spent alone more bearable?

And since every single movie released this week is utter gutterswallow, White Cosby instead reviews every single next generation launch title in the first installment of the Soon To Be World Famous White Cosby Video Game Review!

THRILL! Over twelve full-color pages of Ka-Zar the Great and his wild jungle adventure! Gape in ASTONISHMENT! The Submariner strikes back at those who have wronged him! SUSPENSE! The robotic android hero HUMAN TORCH (?) fights the forces of evil and longs for mortal affection! Every storyline Vibe has ever appeared in! This new episode of Ask Dr. White Cosby has IT ALL! But you can’t listen to it or read it or touch it or breathe on it or excrete odors or skin cells in the same room, or you’ll reduce it’s rating and damage White Cosby’s reputation as graphic novel collector extraordinaire.

Everyone who collects rare comic books is flush with this stuff, girls, and respect (girls and respect not pictured).

Mylar wrapped and kept sealed in a vacuum-pressurized chamber, this latest episode of the Ask Dr. White Cosby advice show contains the following Mystery Tales:

What’s your advice for leaving a successful voicemail greeting?

Why do men talk only about themselves when they’ve been drinking?

Is it wrong to be offended when a wedding invite is declined?

How do I deal with a friend that owes money?

And just to make this week’s randomly chosen theme of comic books seem like a real, chosen and intended thing, the World Famous White Cosby Movie Review is for Thor: The Dark World! What a difference planning makes!

We are not the flesh and blood beings we think we are. Despite the sensation of being solid, singular matter, we are mostly empty space, separated every now and again by protons, neutrons, electrons, and more whirring and zooming and bonding and breaking. You’re not even the same structure you were ten years ago – all of the atoms have changed, fallen away, and been replaced to make a new you. The most powerful force in the universe, the atom and its ability to bond and break, is all that separates you and I from the nothingness of Nether Zone 7 (the nearest known universe).

Oh, did you notice that? A few sentences back, when I said “protons, neutrons, electrons, and more?” Yeah, you did, smarty. White Cosby is now one of the essential elements at the smallest level of matter. Damn shrink ray! But, in spite of his still-diminishing size, he’s still capable of delivering a one-two wallop of good advice directly to your brain.

And when White Cosby punches you with knowledge, his hands are all sweaty. Insult to injury.

In this week’s nuclear-powered show, White Cosby opens a molecular can of whoop-ass on the following:

How do I move on from the break-up of a long-term relationship?

What can I do to stop my father’s hoarding?

Is there a way to overcome my sweaty palms?

How do I reconcile my lack of faith with my spouse’s religion?

And since it’s been over two weeks since White Cosby last graced your ears with his lyrical song, he makes sure to review a whole boatload of film in this week’s World Famous White Cosby Movie Review! CATCH THE FEVER.