Monday, August 23, 2010

Coming Out to Friends For the First Time

So Saturday morning I finally got to leave home after three months of Summer vaca, before it was time to move in and return back to school to begin my sophomore year in college! I wont lie, I was nervous. Whenever I leave one place and begin life at another, I always get nervous. Dunno why. But anyways, after a four hour drive, my parents and I pulled up at my school. We began unloading the cars and we were welcomed by the stifling heat. Fortunately, we managed to get everything in my dorm room relatively quickly. My parents did some unpacking for me, while I socialized with friends. ha That afternoon, I mentioned to one of my best friends Benton, that I had to tell him something important about someone we knew, but I had to tell him with Angela. He got pissed off and wanted to know that second, but that wasn't happening. I wanted to tell them while they were together, just because the three of us are really close. We're like a trio. At that point, only my brother and sister knew.

Later that afternoon, I went to check out Angela's new apartment that she got on campus. During that visit, I mentioned the same thing to her, that I had to tell her something important about someone we knew, but I had to tell her with Benton. Same reaction, she begged to know right than and there, but I refused.

That evening, my fraternity initiated the summer pledge class. It was a drag. After it ended, Benton and I left the fraternity function and drove over to Angela's apartment. I knew one of them would obviously bring it up once we got there. We were just chilling in her room and about five minutes later, Benton stabs me with the question. "Alright, now that we're both here, tell us what's so important".

My heart began pounding like I had just chugged ten Red Bulls. Angela's apartment is setup in a way that she and another girl share a loft upstairs, but there isn't any privacy and I didn't want her roommate overhearing. I panicked and said "I'll tell you guys on the balcony," as I was already half way down the stairs. I guess I'm good at creating awkward situations, because when they walked out on the balcony, I was a step from fainting and they were staring at me like I was nuts. I told Benton to shut the door behind him, because the news was private. I knew at this point there was no turning back...

"The person I need to tell you guys about is me". Angela put her hands over her mouth and Benton kept asking "what, what, what?" I guess my emotions got the best of me because I was on the verge of crying. Angela said she was going to start crying if I started, so I composed myself. She jumps in and blurts out "you're a virgin?!" I laughed and said that I was but that wasn't what I needed to get off my chest.

I told them that I considered them my two best friends at school and what I was about to tell them was really personal. They stared at me with such intensity, to the point it felt like they were piercing into my soul. I looked up at them and just said it "Guys, I'm gay."

I tried to begin explaining, but they both started hugging me. At that second, it felt like the biggest weight had been lifted. They were both shocked, yet understanding. Being a straight acting, gay guy is so hard on so many levels. They began looking back and reflecting on past events, that kind of made the puzzle pieces align.

It was so cool to know that two of my friends know that I am gay! They didn't really ask me that many questions, which I was wasn't expecting. However, I did ask them if they ever suspected or thought I was gay and they simultaneously said "never". Benton did come up to me and ask if the words queer, homo, fag, 'that's gay', etc. offends me. They also asked me if I have ever done anything with a guy, which I have not...yet.

In the end, telling them was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I love them like a brother and sister and trust them completely. I just want to keep telling people, but pray I get the same, supportive reactions!

Wow! Awesome reaction. You must be feeling relieved and happy. Now with some allies, hopefully it gets easier. I posted a link for you in another entry, not sure if you saw since you were getting the strength up to come out to your friends. It's some coming out support info/advice at closetprofessor.blogspot.com

Awesome stuff, well done man. I just wish everyone who is closeted would take the next step.. it really is about the best thing you will ever do (apart from finding a really cool boyfriend... that's next)! Go for it.

Joey- Haha i guess I finally grew a pair. I dont know about being fully out in no time but eventually yes, baby steps. Hopefully I will be fully out by the time I graduate college

fan of casey: I do feel so relieved! Since telling them, its wierd to explain but I have gotten even closer to A and B. They are truely unreplaceable friends! Thanks for the link, I only looked at his profile briefly but he nailed the hammer on the head with identical situations he encountered, which I am currently enduring.

Blurred- Thank you! You will have the courage one day, just dont think too hard about it and coming out gets easier everytime :)

Hotbodz-Coming out has by far been the best decision I have made in my lifetime thus far. Hands down. A boyfriend would be nice! Im in a silent battle with my sister to bring home a hotter guy then her! ;)

It's a lot harder to be a "gay-acting gay" than a straight-acting gay. For all your worry of being suspected, you've managed to stay under the radar. For those of us who could not pass, life has been much more difficult. I'm not saying you don't struggle - you do - but in some ways things have been considerably easier for you, and they will be that way for life - especially because so many gay men hold "straight-acting" as a thing to be idolized.

Welcome!

I'm a kid at heart, figuring out life and having epiphanies along the way. This blog documents my journey over the past seven years, as I grow from the shy, closeted guy I once was, into a complete badass. Website: jeremymannino.com