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LePage hates white people

Paul LePage could have been the best governor Maine’s ever had, but he’s not, and there’s one reason for that: He hates white people.

Don’t just take my word for it. Look at the evidence.

Maine is the whitest state in the nation, and LePage has done more to make us a national punchline than any single person save Bob Marley (who, for the record, is crazy about honkies). We pass bonds to give our mostly white construction workforce jobs, and LePage refuses to issue them. The Obama administration offers to cover the cost of giving poor white Mainers health care, and he refuses to take the money.

The governor’s anti-white bias was on display early on, when he ordered the removal of a mural by a white artist that depicts labor activism by dozens of people, nearly all of whom are white.

But LePage’s prejudice was evident well before he took office. During the 2010 gubernatorial campaign, he had nothing but negative things to say about his opponents, all of whom were of the Caucasian persuasion. We saw a similar pattern during the Republican gubernatorial primary that year, during which LePage claimed he was somehow better than the six other white guys in the race, though most voters considered all seven candidates losers.

Maine’s governor has made headlines with numerous inflammatory comments directed at white people, like state Sens. Troy Jackson and Justin Alfond. He made a disparaging comparison between the Internal Revenue Service (which predominately comprises white people) and the Gestapo (all of whom were white).

While it’s true that LePage also said members of the NAACP could “kiss my butt,” that comment, taken literally, is not an insult — it’s an invitation to engage in tender intimacy. Likewise, LePage’s comment on the campaign trail that, if elected, newspapers would be printing front-page headlines saying, “‘Governor LePage tells Obama to go to hell,’” is not an insult — it’s an uncannily accurate prediction of this week’s events.

Of course, LePage has gone beyond hurling insults at pale-complexioned people. He’s also threatened violence against them. “I’m about ready to punch A.J. Higgins,” LePage said in 2010, referring to the MPBN radio reporter who, according to people who’ve seen him, is white. And then there was the governor’s comment earlier this month that he wanted to attack the offices of the Portland Press Herald and the Bangor Daily News with a fighter jet. The newsrooms of both papers are chock full of white folks.

Earlier this week, when LePage made headlines again by allegedly saying Obama “hates white people,” his senior political advisor issued a statement saying insinuations the governor is racist are “far fetched” given that LePage and his wife let a young Jamaican man live with their family years ago. That’s exactly my point: Why take in a black kid from an island thousands of miles away when there were thousands of white kids here in Maine who would have benefited from such kindness?

It’s obvious to me that LePage doesn’t hate black people. The guy routinely vacations in Jamaica but doesn’t go there to smoke killer weed. And look at the skin tone of the people he’s appointed to positions of power in his administration. (Actually, never mind that last point.)

The good news is that LePage’s bigotry can be cured. If he makes an effort to immerse himself in Caucasian culture, he’ll grow to appreciate the many wonderful things the white race has to offer.

Attend a Ted Nugent concert. Fill your iPod with country music and keep the car radio tuned to The Wolf. Become a Portland Pirates season-ticket holder. Play more golf. Watch past episodes of “Friends,” “Sex in the City,” “Seinfeld,” “Cheers” and other classic TV shows with all-white casts. I also recommend a healthy dose of “Duck Dynasty.”

Out of ideas for dinner tonight? Pick up one of Paula Deen’s cookbooks. Can’t decide on a movie? I suggest “Braveheart,” starring Mel Gibson. Or “The Patriot,” also starring Mel Gibson. Or “Get the Gringo” — actually, don’t mind that, either.

The point is, Paul, white people aren’t as bad as you think we are. Sure, our ancestors enslaved Africans, slaughtered Native Americans and got the Chinese hooked on dope. But white teens are the ones who made hip hop mainstream music and lacrosse a popular college sport. These days we’re the ones hooked on junk the Chinese sell to us.

So cut white people a break. As you’ve so convincingly illustrated, we can be morons, but our hearts are in the right place.