I hold the flower there ~ Doesn't know she's beautiful ~ She wakes every morning seeing ~ All the other things are beautiful ~ Well she's free ~ Companion to the wind ~ From "Gradle" By Widespread Panic

Monday, June 13, 2011

Temper Tantrums (and not just BBZ's)

I have a bad temper. No, that's not exactly accurate. I have a really bad temper. People who know me will likely be quite surprised by this as I am also blessed with a great deal of patience. You see, I am patient, patient, patient, patient and suddenly BAM! Pissed off! There is very little middle ground for me.

This has proven to be a challenge for me as a parent, and one that I continue to work on. I had to go out of town for work on Thursday and Friday, and N had to go out of town Friday through today, so BBZ's routine has been all kinds of crazy, as has mine.

So it was just he and I holding down the fort after I finally got to him at about 10pm Friday night. Traffic was terrible and a rough end to an otherwise great work trip. But it was not a great start to the weekend.

BBZ and I have spent many weeknights and some weekends alone together as N often travels for work. I'm not sure if it was his extra testing or something going on with me, but we just didn't do well this weekend. While he is really just being a regular 2-year-old with a messed up routine, I really don't have an excuse.

There were times over the weekend when I was reacting to something he was doing and I was having an internal battle with myself. I knew that my attitude was making it worse. I knew that I was getting upset and that I should be able to control myself. I knew what "positive discipline" measures I should have been using, but reacted the opposite. Not sure why...exhaustion, maybe? Hormones? Your guess is as good as mine.

Never the less, it made for a few rough interactions between Saturday and Sunday. For one thing, he is extra intense right now. Everything is amped up to a "10". I really think it is a little boy thing, as my friends who have little girls don't seem to experience this same kind of intensity.

The last blow up occurred at McDonald's. We tried to patch up our rough morning with a trip to the park and we were going to go out for pizza. He asked to go to "old McDonald's" instead, and I recently discovered one nearby that has a play place, so we headed that way.

He started his wiggly and can't stand still stuff while standing in line to order food. We got through that and found a table by the play place. He actually did really well playing and eating...I was impressed. As we were getting close to time to leave, I gave him the 10-minute warning, the 5-minute warning, then 3, then one more time down the slide and it was time to go.

He started to run away from me and I grabbed him and swooped him up (which is quite the funny site with my big belly swinging around). And then he did it. He pulled both hands as far back as he could reach and hit me so hard that I almost dropped him. Right in front of all of those people.

That was it for me, I sat down, gave him all kinds of lectures about how we don't hit and how bad that hurt and how is was not ok and blah blah blah. And I got nothing back. Just screams that he didn't want to leave. No "sorry mommy"s or other reactions that I wanted from him. No apologies or "ok mommy"s or anything. Which made my blood boil. (Yes, I now realize that these are unrealistic expectations of a 2-year-old, but this is what my mind was expecting at the time).

After not getting what I wanted from him, I swooped him up and shuffled out the door and to the car. And in the car as he continued to try and hit me it happened...I turned his little butt around and smacked it hard. And simultaneously said "we do not hit".

Yes, it was not one of my finer parenting moments.

So as he sat in the back seat and cried for his toy or whatever, I drove off towards home. Then the guilt hit me, and I started bawling. Not just little cries either, big, huge, fat tears that I could not control. BBZ asked me a question after he calmed down and I did my best to answer. He asked me why I was talking funny and I told him it was because I was crying. He asked why I was crying and I told him.

I actually manipulated the situation a little and told him I was crying because he hit me. I was actually crying because I knew I had lost control, but I didn't want to go into that right then. He said that he cries when kids at school hit him too. So we talked a little about that. Then he asked for ice cream and I said no. I told him we were taking a bath when we got home and I didn't want him to argue with me at all. Thankfully, he didn't.

So after we got home and relaxed, took a bath and had a snack, we headed to bed. He had one more hitting fit and spent a few minutes in his room alone before bed. I went in and sat down with him, talking about all that happened between us that day.

After a few minutes of talking, I said "BBZ, I am really sorry that I lost my temper earlier today"

And he responds "you need help to find it?"

I couldn't help but giggle. The truth of his 2-year-oldness shined through in that moment. The guilt I had carried that evening for losing my temper drifted away. As bad as I felt for reacting the way I did, BBZ was already over it. He didn't even realize what happened. In fact, he was willing to help me look for what I had lost. Oh goodness, if only we could all see life like a 2-year-old.

I'm not sure why it was so bad this weekend...why I couldn't control my own emotions and help him learn how to control his. I know I can't do the right thing all of the time, and I will learn from this and maybe make some changes to my approach to have a better next time, but for now I'll just chalk it up to a short temper and I try to learn from it. Hopefully he has learned something too.

8 comments:

I'm sure you both learned something, Anna! I can understand how it can be hard to think in the "heat of the moment"......been there.......and yes, his 2-year-old-ness definitely shined through.....loved his comment!!! I hope you are doing well.

sounds like my girl. don't underestimate the females in this. except she doesn't normally hit me, but the arguing and throwing herself down when she doesn't want to go somewhere or leave or whatever.. yeah. so there with you. it's horrible, and I'm too huge to do much about it. argh.

I typically do a time out sort of thing for hitting, but we DO spank at our house. sometimes the threat is enough to stop the behavior if asking nicely doesn't work. not every kid is the same and not every parent or parenting style or discipline style is the same. Sometimes, they just won't listen and a little tap on the hiney gets them out of their 'but I don't wanna-- repeat 300x at full volume' RUT! they listen and the world rights itself. Eventually, redirecting does not work, and who wants to yell at the top of their lungs at a kid while they are also pregnant? then you're subjecting your fetus to constant screaming. there is no such thing as a bad parenting moment. it's just a moment. it passes. he won't remember it, he'll remember the good things, so try not to let it bother you, hormones and all!

Sometimes, they just won't listen and a little tap on the hiney gets them out of their 'but I don't wanna-- repeat 300x at full volume' RUT! they listen and the world rights itself. Eventually, redirecting does not work, and who wants to yell at the top of their lungs at a kid while they are also pregnant.

Sometimes, they just won't listen and a little tap on the hiney gets them out of their 'but I don't wanna-- repeat 300x at full volume' RUT! they listen and the world rights itself. Eventually, redirecting does not work, and who wants to yell at the top of their lungs at a kid while they are also pregnant.

Honey sometimes you just have to "get their attention" as Uncle Gee always said. Did we have to spank much, no, however Clayton knew very early I meant what I said. Rachel never did anything that willful, always the ideal child, she does hate when I say that. Relax you guys are doing great! There's something to be said that he feels comfortable to let you know what he feels about things, even if his methods need work sometimes.

I LOL'd--LITERALLY at the "you need help to find it" comment. Like kind of just busted out laughing at my desk. That was SO CUTE!

Everyone has days like this, sweetie. I even had one with my nephew the other day and in almost 3 years (because I'm his aunt, not his mom), I've never lost my patience with him. But on Sunday, I had had it. It doesn't help that I'm 39 weeks pregnant either. I've felt bad about it for days but my sister told me after I left and she came home that the first thing he did was tell her that we had spent the afternoon together. That made me feel good and it helped me realize that he wasn't holding my lack of patience against me. Only I was.

About Me

I'm still a happy woman. I'm a thinker. I often wonder why we are here, and what my purpose is on this earth. I am a worrier, although I try desperately not to be. I do green things like cloth diaper and recycle, and I finally gave up my SUV! For work I help people with disabilities work toward their personal goals. I try to live a simple life and hope to be a good example for my sons as they grow.

Some of My Writings.

My Husby

N and I met on our way to a Widespread Panic show in Memphis in 2002 and have been madly in love since. We love music, and although we can't travel as much as we used to, we try not to miss our favorite local shows. N is my best friend and my very favorite person.

Big Brother Z (Formally known as Baby Boy Z)

This is my little boy, BBZ, born in September 2008. His coming into our lives was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. When he was 9 months old, he was hospitalized after a bowel obstruction (called intussusception) required an emergency surgery to remove a piece of his intestine, his appendix, and some other involved tissue. I appreciate every single moment I have with him and look forward to watching him learn and grow into whoever he is meant to be.

Little Brother Z

LBZ was born in September 2011 and has made our dream of having 2 healthy little boys come true. His birth was a beautiful and healing experience that will stay with me for the rest of my life. He has beautiful blue eyes like his daddy. We are smitten with our new son and our new family of 4!

Delilah Jones

Delilah is our first-born daughter. She joined our family in 2005. She is an alpha female which got her kicked out of the local dog park. She's a mix of who knows what and we couldn't love her more. She tolerates the little one hanging on her wonderfully and would protect us from anything...just ask the mailman.

Bill 6/2003-5/2016

Bill joined us not long after N and I got together. He was a hard cat to love, but love him I did. A friend said recently that sometimes those hard to love are the ones who need love the most. I hope I loved you well, little Bill.

Cat 8/2000-2/2009

Cat was the best cat in the world. He died in early 2009 of kidney disease. He was an amazing cat and I know I will see him again!