A Helicopter Mom’s Daily Schedule

I have been devoting significant chunks of time during this hyper-enjoyable Baltimore vacation to reading an absolutely silly book called The Perfect Baby Handbook: A Guide for Excessively Motivated Parents by Dale Hrabi. This book is a laugh-out-loud satirical handbook for helicopter parents dead-set on raising perfect children. What is a perfect baby? Crazy-glue attached, helmet-wearing overprotected, early admission to Harvard at 6 months…This book is definitely one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen, and here’s one of my favorite excerpts:

A prototypical daily routine for a perfect babyWhen cultivating greatness, the first step is to establish a schedule. Perfect infants have much they want to achieve each day and like to know that regular blocks of time have been set aside for key activities such as feeding, sleeping, smiling, the gleeful destruction of Mommy’s new Vanity Fair, and slack-jawed staring.

The legendary routine outlined here—ideal for a four- to six-month-old—had its public debut in the home of Mohinder and Alison Singh of Phoenix, Arizona in 2008.

7:00 a.m. – Baby wakes up.

7:01 a.m. – Surveys her domain.

7:03 a.m. – Notes that Exersaucer is dusty again.

7:04 a.m. – Announces this news piercingly.

7:07 a.m. – Enjoys day’s first feeding; forgets Exersaucer crisis.

7:31 a.m. – Burps triumphantly.

7:32 a.m. – Savors brisk lavender aromatherapy massage.

7:40 a.m. – Endures diaper change by flipping through Bon Appétit.

7:45 a.m. – Considers toy options.

7:48 a.m. – Compresses Squeezy Snake while murmuring what sound like conjugations of the French verb péter.

I hate to be unoriginal, but this really was hilarious. I had trouble deciding my favourite moment. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it!!

(Once I was on a plane when I read a book by Seinfeld, I can’t remember which one, but I was cracking up so loud and didnt realise because I still had my headphones on …. until I flipped over and they popped off and I heard myself. Oops.)

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