Sunday, January 16, 2005

When Nightmares Live

Two and a half years had passed since that fateful day. Yet it felt just like yesterday to him. He lay back and lit another cigarette as he thought of it.

It was a strange feeling. He stood at the edge and contemplated the options. He'd never been out so far before. He was drawn into this, he thought. Drawn into this misadventure by forces he was not able to resist. Standing where he did, he felt cold and naked. It wasn't the nicest feeling. He longed for the warmth of where he'd left.

Looking back at the what led him to this, he realized that what was galling him the most was that the very solitude he was revelling in earlier was becoming painful now. He looked down from the cliff....he could still see what lay down there....somehow, it steeled him to face what he'd been avoiding. He turned back slowly, but purposefully. It was done......

The cigarette had burnt right down to the stub. It burnt his lips this time. He winced as he threw it to the floor. Why couldn't he just quit the damn thing? Needed to try at least....and yet, even the realization that it was ruining him physically wasn't enough to drive him to quit. He'd done it once before....quit.....and stayed off for a year and a half. And then, the blow had fallen. He didn't want to share it. Scared? Or maybe just too obstinate in not wanting to take support. After all, he'd never shared the good times either....so why now? And who'd understand anyway?

He decided to take a walk to get his thoughts in place. On the terrace, he stood still and as the wind hit his face, he pondered a bit.....looked down....thought about it and knew what had to be done....