We've had it all wrong. For years, we thought that page three amounted to little more than the pornographic degradation of women, but it transpires that the Sun stalwart is up there with throwing yourself in front of a horse in terms of female emancipation. And it took Shell from Big Brother to inform us of this fact, while posing without her brassiere in that very paper on Monday. "Those who sneer at page three lack intelligence," she explains. "It's beautifully shot and tastefully pioneered the celebration of the female form," she continues, before suggesting that page threes should hang in the Tate. The following day, the Sun featured the gay wedding of another Big Brother contestant, Kitten, who confusingly was also a feminist - an "arch-feminist", even - but less sportingly wore all her clothes, which made her look "like a man". But, back to Shell on the politics of page three: "In many ways, it emancipated women, letting them exploit their assets, earn cash and keep control. I see it as a modern art form." By which fuzzy logic, Ms Jubin, you'll also be classing prostitution as a modern art form, will you?

And perhaps that's all Wayne Rooney has been up to. Upon finding the doors of Tate Liverpool shut in the early hours of the morning, he had no choice but to take himself to the nearest brothel in search of some cultural nourishment. There, sadly, the lady of the night spent her time with Mr Rooney merely contemplating which Pot Noodle to eat on her break. Admittedly, all that lying back and thinking of England becomes rather redundant when one is lying back with one of the England squad. But which would you have chosen? Chicken and mushroom, or beef and tomato? It's a question that is surely dividing the good women of Britain.

As Virginia Woolf so wisely said, "A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction." The Hosking Houses Trust is currently offering both, in the form of a year-long salaried literary fellowship, to "a professional woman writer of merit over the age of 40". "Older women have a rough do," says Sarah Hosking, the charity's founder. "Once you're grey, no one sees you when you come into a room." She is seeking a woman with "a stonking good idea" for a book, fiction or non-fiction, who needs time and space and solitude in which to let that idea grow. Visit www.hoskinghouses.co.uk for details, or write to Ms Hosking via the women's pages.

Budding JK Rowlings are entirely eligible, but a note of caution: a recent survey by Penguin books has found that eight out of 10 women judge a man by the cover of the book he is reading, and that the biggest literary turn-off is Harry Potter. This has nothing to do with the fact that Potter is published by a rival, and everything to do with our womanly distaste for fantasy fiction, apparently. What book turns you on? Do let us know at women@theguardian.com Meanwhile, I'm sodding off for a few months, and would like to take this opportunity to say au revoir. If anybody wants me, I shall be down the back of Godfrey Bloom's fridge