Carl Alasko: A generation of spoiled children Generation of spoiled children

Dear Dr. Alasko: We have three grandchildren who we love dearly — but they're terribly spoiled. When they visit, they won't do a thing to help out and they always leave a mess. If we say anything their parents make excuses. (They don't even work hard at school!) We didn't raise our own children that way. We worry that if we make them follow our rules too strictly they won't visit us.

Dear Reader: We are definitely in the Age of Childhood Self-Indulgence. Some recent books focus on the overindulgent attitudes of American parents: "A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting" and "Slouching Toward Adulthood," etc. These books and others examine why so many young Americans have not yet fully entered adulthood, which is defined as living entirely on one's own. Sometimes even after a very expensive education, they flounder.

Yes, the economy has definitely made things more difficult. But young people (from 10 to 30) are also afflicted with a deeper malaise. I call it the ATM syndrome. They've been raised with a delusional attitude toward money and work because they've grown up seeing money magically appear from an ATM. Behind this magical appearance is something called credit, which their parents have and they don't. Credit, kids are told, is something you earn by being a good consumer and spending money to build your credit. Isn't that an odd proposition? What's left out, however, is the exact way that the money is put into the ATM in sufficient amounts to meet self-indulgent and frivolous needs.

Furthermore, most kids rarely or never encounter an authentic shortage of anything. If the milk runs out, or something breaks, someone always buys more, somehow. Ultimately, it's quite mysterious. Young people are not forced to develop a visceral understanding of how the system of earning and spending really works.

So as children develop an understanding of how money functions, they can't call upon lived experiences of hardship or shortages to shape their thinking. They only know abundance. Without a body experience of hardship, a semi-delusional reality takes over. Corrupted software based on magical thinking runs their attitudes.

Parents can teach their children about personal responsibility (and frugality) but many parents are caught up in their own ATM delusion. It's easy and they like it. But to effectively teach self-discipline, they themselves need to live a disciplined life, eliminating life's wasteful conveniences. Umm ... really?

But there's good news: People have an instinctive appreciation for what's authentic and true. Youth, especially, is constantly searching for and attracted to role models who live these truths.

Your job as grandparents is to live your life ethically, responsibly and adhere to your own values. Your grandchildren are watching and absorbing these lessons. While it might take years for the lessons to take root and bear fruit, stick to your standards of behavior. When you're irritated by their selfishness, use loving patience and a gentle voice to demand adherence to your rules. That approach usually works. Next week I'll present a parenting plan for raising self-reliant children.

Carl Alasko, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is the author of "Emotional BS" and "Beyond Blame." For information about his books, see: carlalasko.com. Contact him at dralasko@gmail.com.