Neil Offen: Rest secure about your personal account

Now that you’ve signed in and finally remembered your password, and recalled that the letter p in the middle of your password is actually supposed to be a capital P, and that you used a # rather than a & at the end of the password, please answer the following security questions to access your account:

(Remember, these questions are designed to make sure that you and only you — plus anybody hacking you from the Republic of Moldova — can access your account and thus be able to buy used garage door openers from Amazon any time you want.)

What was the make and model of your first car and why did you always ride the clutch even if you were driving an automatic? Do you still wish you had that car because it was a lot easier to park than the gargantuan SUV you have now?

Did your mother have a maiden name or was she always just “mom” to you?

Who was your third-grade teacher? Why did she always have to tell you to tie your shoelaces? Why did she always blame you for making loud noises in the back of the classroom when it was always Mark Starr making those noises and throwing paper balls at you?

Whatever happened to Mark Starr? Would you be upset today to find out he was a billionaire hedge fund tycoon?

How many children do you have? Why did they never clean up their rooms?

Why aren’t any of your children billionaire hedge fund tycoons?

What was the name of your first pet? If you never had a pet, do you still blame “mom” for not letting you have one? Do you still think she was making it up that you had “allergies”?

In what city were you born? Do you still root for teams from that city or are you a rootless, soulless traitor to your background?

In what city did you have your first traffic accident with a gargantuan SUV that was too big to park?

What is your favorite color? (You can’t say fuchsia if you are not sure how to spell fuschsia and don’t know that it’s actually just really red, which you probably do know how to spell.)

What was the last line of the movie “Casablanca”? Why can you remember that kind of trivial nonsense and can’t remember where you left your wallet or if the oven is still on after you left the house?

Can you name the capital of Moldova? (This is a trick question that would only be answerable by hackers from Moldova.)

Who was Sam Spade’s partner in “The Maltese Falcon”? What was his maiden name and did he have a pet or a first car or a third-grade teacher? Could he be a billionaire hedge fund tycoon today?

Have your already forgotten which account you are trying to access?

Neil Offen can be reached at noffen@heraldsun.com or by telephone at 919-419-6646.