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ND Football Preview – The Scenic Route

Kevin Noonan | Thursday, August 29, 2013

Ah yes, the sportsball games approach.

Football, that sport of kings – if kings sometimes lived vicariously through their children’s youth sports careers and spent their Saturday and Sunday nights alternating between crying and rejoicing, but always drinking lots and lots of beer.

Snapshot analysis of last year’s sports results: the ball team did real well for most of the games in the season but not as good in the last game of the season.

So how does this football season look? Let’s break it down.

Game 1: Notre Dame vs. Temple, Aug. 31

Temple comes to town sporting brownish-maroony uniforms, begging the question of why they haven’t hired a fashion consultant for their football team. Maybe Notre Dame can lend theirs to them after the game. Who knows, maybe in a few years, Temple will have their own line of colognes and perfumes. Good luck, guys!

Prediction: Notre Dame A Lot, Temple Much Less.

Game 2: Notre Dame at Michigan, Sept. 7

Michigan, of course, is famous for its fight song composed entirely of different pitched fart noises, which is always a difficult obstacle to overcome for a Notre Dame football team with a notoriously fickle sense of smell. Two years ago when Notre Dame lost in the final seconds at Michigan a fan threw a full can of beer at me in the parking lot, so I’m excited to see what they’ll turn to this time when Notre Dame takes the win. Kegs of beer? Small children? 1960s era Volkswagen busses? Who knows!

Prediction: Notre Dame A Decent Amount, Michigan Slightly Less.

Game 3: Notre Dame at Purdue, Sept. 14

Purdue will have the home field advantage in theory, but in reality, the Indiana Excise Police will be out in force doing everything they can to help silence the crowd. Thanks, guys!

Prediction: Notre Dame A Million, Purdue None.

Game 4: Notre Dame vs. Michigan State, Sept. 21

Thanks to the new NCAA rule that makes the fake field goal play a secondary violation that results in a million billion game suspension, Michigan State will have a hard time keeping up.

Prediction: Notre Dame A Little, Michigan State Less Than A Little.

Game 5: Notre Dame vs. Oklahoma, Sept. 28

With rumors swirling that this game may come down to a musical theater performance competition, Notre Dame looks like a giant underdog sending Freekbass up against Rogers and Hammerstein. But then at the last minute, Oklahoma will realize that they’re both deceased and will be disqualified.

Prediction: Notre Dame 1, Oklahoma DQ.

Game 6: Notre Dame vs. Arizona State, Oct. 5

This game will be played in Jerry Jones’s garage, which might create some spatial problems for two teams who like to get out there and really get after it. More importantly, the Sun Devils versus Catholic Disneyland? Come on.

Prediction: Notre Dame Infinity, Arizona State Negative Infinity.

Game 7: Notre Dame vs. USC, Oct. 19

Win.

Prediction: Notre Dame Win, USC Lose.

Game 8: Notre Dame at Air Force, Oct. 26

It’s always dicey picking against the Air Force, what with the NSA watching me type this right now and sending a drone right for my house at this very second. But hey, I like living on the edge.

Prediction: Notre Dame A Bunch Of Scores, Air Force Very Few Scores.

Game 9: Notre Dame vs. Navy, Nov. 2

All right, I’m feeling seriously scared right now.

Prediction: Notre Dame More Than Navy, Navy Less Than Notre Dame.

Game 10: Notre Dame at Pittsburgh, Nov. 9

Pittsburgh is my least favorite city in the Union. Ben Roethlisberger is so overrated that he makes Tony Romo look like John Elway. Mario Lemieux robbed me of a hockey franchise in Kansas City, and I don’t even like hockey. Pittsburgh sucks.

Prediction: Notre Dame By All Of The Points.

Game 11: Notre Dame vs. BYU, Nov. 23

In a battle over who has stricter rules against boys and girls speaking to each other outside of the place of worship of their parents’ choice, it all comes down to off-campus housing. At BYU, if you leave campus, you’re still in Utah.

Prediction: Notre Dame By The Hair On Their Chinny-Chin-Community Standards.

Game 12: Notre Dame at Stanford, Nov. 30

I’m offering this simple phrase/ To kids from one to 92/ Although it’s been said/ Many times, many ways/ Your mascot shouldn’t be a tree.

Prediction: Notre Dame By An Axe And A Woodchipper.

National Championship: Notre Dame vs. Alabama, Jan. 6

At the last minute, Notre Dame’s parents go out of town, so they have to stay home and watch the family dog. I know, I know, we promised, but really, it’s just like, out of our hands, you know? We’re so sorry; we just can’t make it. We promise, cross my heart and hope to die, we’ll make it next time!