I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how it is that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my pension book.

It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

It is on my National Health card.

On my driving license.

On my car insurance.

On the last eight damn passports I've had.

It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

All those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother'sname is Mary-Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be nabso-*******-lutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this bull****! You send the application to my house,then you ask me for my ******* address??!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for **** sakes. I just want to goand park my ass on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last ******* people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another ******* copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of 30 quid.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Noooo, that'd be too damn easy and may be make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to findsome arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture- you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile(bureaucratic fuckin' morons)?!

Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.However, I have to get someone 'important' to vouch for who I am - you know, someone like my doctor -

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how it is that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my pension book.

It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

It is on my National Health card.

On my driving license.

On my car insurance.

On the last eight damn passports I've had.

It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

All those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother'sname is Mary-Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be nabso-f**king-lutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullsh*t! You send the application to my house,then you ask me for my f**king address??!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh*t sakes. I just want to goand park my ass on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last f**king people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another f**king copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of 30 quid.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Noooo, that'd be too damn easy and may be make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to findsome arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture- you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile(bureaucratic fuckin' morons)?!

Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.However, I have to get someone 'important' to vouch for who I am - you know, someone like my doctor -

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- Groucho Marx

Brilliant! Groucho Marx is one of my favourite wits - Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot; Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light - just two of dozens of brilliant one-liners.

Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).

The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0.It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons,and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312.These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which aresurrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reactionto take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay,but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons,vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with eachreorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculatethat Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration.This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

I tend to be a bit of a night owl but I'm not usually as late as that. I had to do some typing for a friend which he needed today, and didn't get round to it earlier.

I'd like to see the element W joke, if you can find it.

There you go

ELEMENT: WOMAN SYMBOL: WO DISCOVERER: ADAMATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.

OCCURRENCE:Copious quantities in all urban areas.Physical Properties:1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.3. Melts if given special treatment.4. Bitter if incorrectly used.5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties:1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses: 1. Highly ornamental.2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests: 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.Hazards: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can bemaintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come into contact with each other.