I just don't know. They don't really think allergies are serious or real so I think that is why they don't pay too much attention to them. They also read so much crap about allergies and how if I just fed him food he'd build up his immune system, they contantly tell me like I don't get it that it is an immune system problem and exposure is the only way to strengthen him. I get all the time from them to just buy expensive ice cream, expensive chocolate that way it will be safe. I can't explain enough about how things are made in the same facilities/lines, or once open in a shop they aren't safe. My in lawas are just as bad, they couldn't name one thing he's allergic to. Every time I bring up his asthma they are all shocked and say 'he has asthma'.

It's the same reaction I get to people not understanding my daughters beef allergy, because it's not a common allergy, and they are constantly amazed by the amount of things that may be in contact or contain dairy or egg ("hot dogs have dairy?"), but at least they respect that no food is brought into this house and when we are at their houses, I will always be bringing my daughters own food and sometimes even plates/cups/utensils if I dont trust what is there. I couldn't imagine having them not get it at all. My brother in law is like that - he thinks you just feed the kid the food and they'll get used to it. The first time he suggested it, I told him to shut up, my husband gave him a threatening look and he knows if he were to ever give her food, that he'd have hell to pay for it, and it may not leave him walking...

BC2007 I'm sorry, it just plain sucks. I find it especially hard in light of how many great grandparents are out there, who are fully capable and willing to look after their grandchildren and some of us can hardly leave the room for a second. Hugs to you.

With each news article that casually mentions de-sensitization it leaves a very confusing message for those not dealing with allergies. It sounds like on the surface that all we need to do is start to feed allergic people bits of what they are allergic to and voila, cured.
I try and be understanding but it can be very trying. Peas do freak me out as he has reacted to them. I fed him TWO green peas, he didn't even swallow or chew them but withing seconds he spit them out crying and pulling on his tongue. He then before I could even get him out of the highchair was covered in rash/hives and vomiting. It sounds awful but sometimes I think other people not dealing with allergies need to see someone react to really get the seriousness of allergies. How it takes so little to cause a potentially life threatening reaction.
My friend who is a trauma RN said that if anyone saw a person in full anaphylactic shock they would never doubt allergies again.

BC, I'm so sorry and can fully identify with how you're feeling. When we were in Italy, my brother had an anaphylactic reaction to cookies (they do NOT label properly there and we found out later they had eggs). At the time, we were with my parents and one aunt and uncle. We rushed him to the hospital and he was doing really badly. He had vomitted, his nails and skin were turning blue, he was seeing spots, his blood pressure was dropping fast, he was light-headed and his throat was started to bother him. Thankfully, he pulled through. But it scared the **** out of my aunt and uncle that were there and made them realize how real our allergies are (although, they had never been doubtful, but it helped to have outsiders understand our situation). BUT, a few days later, we met up with our other aunts and uncles and cousins and they were like, "oh, really?" and then started making JOKES about it!!!! We were there for my uncle's wedding who moved back to Italy and this was before the wedding. My brother is my best friend and seeing him go through what he did tore my heart apart. We were in a foreign country, now we felt completely unsure about any food and all I wanted to do was go home, even if I missed the wedding. When your own family members joke about the fact that you almost died....wow...it hurts. I was seriously traumatized for a good year after that, more than my brother even. I remember the night when we went back to the hotel after his reaction. I stayed up all night watching him, making sure he was breathing. It shocked me that people could joke about something so utterly terrifying.
So, I get what you're going through. You never expect family to be so insensitive about a topic that touches our lives in very real and scary ways. And I get what you said about maybe them needing to see someone go through a reaction to have them "get it". I can't fix it, but I am sorry and just know that you have us whenever you need us. We understand.

_________________Associate Editor at Allergic Living.
Allergies to all nuts and legumes except soy and green beans.

Lisa, reading how you care and protect your brother warms my heart, that is exactly how our daughter is with her brother What lucky brothers to have such amazing sisters.
How terrifying for your brother, it is awful enough having a reaction when close to home but to be traveling and then unsure of food I can only imagine your anxiety. Again, your brother is very lucky to have you.
I tell myself over and over that as long our DD and my husband and myself 'get it' we can keep the little man safe. Our priority is his health and if othe's feelings get hurt in the process I mean no harm or disrespect but that is just the way it is.

Unfortunately we're now dealing with older relatives whose memories are not as good and one day my daughter will never eat at their house. For once I am thankful that my mother-in-law serves the same food at every family meal!

_________________me: allergic to crustaceans plus environmental
teenager: allergic to hazelnuts, some other foods and environmental

I can totally relate to this thread. My in laws are lovely people and loving grandparents but they just cannot seem to remember all of the 'rules' around food safety like no bakery breads, read every label every time, clean the kitchen thoroughly of any nut residue and put out a new cloth or sponge before we come for a visit, etc. Also, they get really hung up on finding things made in a nut free facility, but they put no thought into the fact that their kitchen is stocked with nuts in practically every cupboard. I have come to the realization that I just have to bring it up every time we see them (every 6 weeks or so) to keep it fresh in their minds.

A few weeks before last Christmas my MIL said to me "It's too bad that (DD) is allergic to tree nuts AND peanuts now. It was easier when she was just allergic to peanuts and we could still bake all of the cookies with almonds, walnuts etc." My response was that it actually makes no difference because we have avoided all nut and peanut products since we began to suspect that she had an allergy THREE YEARS AGO. Her response... "oh...I didn't realize that".

Then at Christmastime I baked about 5 dozen cookies so that DD would have lots of safe treats to choose from because I still don't trust my MIL's judgment in that department. While getting ready for a party my MIL put out abut 1/2 of DD's cookies out on a platter, then put cherry almond tarts on it. I pointed out that she had put out treats with nuts and she said "oops, I made some without nuts too, I just grabbed the wrong ones from the container, just let me switch them." (the ones with nuts and without nuts were all in the same container and she had completely forgotten about the risk of cross contamination). So... Half of my baking went directly into her freezer because of cross contamination and we chatted about the 'rules' again.

After that incident I'm really starting to doubt how seriously they take the allergy and how much I can trust them around my little girl. We are supposed to spend a week at their house this summer and I'm not looking forward to the stress that will come with it.

robinsegg,
What can I say? I feel your pain and frustration because I have been there too. There's nothing really to say that can make you feel better (except that you're not alone!) because it sounds like you are trying to educate (and re-educate) them which is all you can do. I don't know if you've been around on other threads but I've written a little "book" on food allergy 101 for people like your MIL. I did a test print run and as soon as I see what the demand might be, I will start selling them. Part of the money is going to Anaphylaxis Canada so they can continue advocating for us and educating the public at a scope that I can't do yet.

_________________Associate Editor at Allergic Living.
Allergies to all nuts and legumes except soy and green beans.

All I can suggest is that you be chummy and hang out in the kitchen while she prepares the food. You might offer to plate the food. Maybe you can use separate coloured plates for your daughter will remind them of the concern of cross contamination. You could purchase a few coloured melamine plates at a dollar store.

Be available, alert and gently press the point home. Eventually they will learn but it's a big learning curve, it was for us too! At least they are trying. It's not safe yet, but they're trying...

Robinsegg, You are not alone and I am not glad others have family issues but I am glad that I'm not alone. Even if I wasn't dealing personally with our DS's allergies it just doesn't seem that hard to 'get' to me anyway. That makes me more frustrated as I don't see what the problem is, how many ways are there to word something, explain something.
I don't know what's worse, living close to family (family who don't get it I'm talking about) or further away . If we were closer to family my hope would be that the more they were exposed to what we deal with on a daily basis the faster hopefully they would 'get it' . I fear that would be wishful thinking after reading your post. The bad thing about being close is if they never 'got it' is then they would be around our kids all the time.
The good part about being far away is that they only visit a couple times a year. The bad part is that then instead of an afternoon spent with someone who doesn't get it it is for 10 days or so and that can make a person, well hide in the closet and either cry or grab a bottle of vino for some stress relief. I find it is a week or two of near misses and my home which is as much of a save haven as I can make it suddenly isn't so safe. Also they aren't around enough to even try and remember anything you've ever said so you really start from scratch each time.
So, I guess that just takes me back to the closet with a drink which has a little umbrella in it. There's no bouncy ball chugging back a glass of wine (and with all the stress us mama bears are under at times they should really add one). Instead I'll pick the smiley which is happily swimming in it's cup of....lets call it....mama juice.

Sadly we live 10 minutes from the family that don't always get it and 1,000 miles from the family that do get it. The far away family even had different BBQ tongs and my daughter's food on foil just in case theirs had a trace. My sister nearly jumped my 80 year old dad when he went near the BBQ! She knew he wouldn't get it.

The only benefit of family not getting it is that we are with her when she eats at their homes and it is good practice for when she is not with us at friends and into high school where there will not be restrictions.

_________________me: allergic to crustaceans plus environmental
teenager: allergic to hazelnuts, some other foods and environmental

This may sound horrible, but I wish there was a video of a child having a severe anaphylactic reaction to something available so that we could show people a REAL person having REAL symptoms.. Some of my family is very visual, and that would help sink in the point for sure about how serious a reaction can be and how fast it can develop!

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