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Posts tagged ‘Love’

Over 15 years of depression and PTSS and since about a year, I am finally able to watch the news again without shutting down. I am finally recovered and I manage to go through life in a way that could be considered healthy. It is like stepping out of a bubble and to be frank: It is scary as hell. First I was scared about what it meant to be considered healthy, then I was scared to fall back, and then I slowly turned back on the news channels, daily newspaper, actually clicking the links to articles, reading about attacks, hatred, torture, pollution, the sadness, the demolishment, the exclusion.

Then there are these discussion going on in my head, about what the world needs to become a better place, about how to make people aware of the consequences of their actions. The discussion about what actually is good and bad and the acknowledgment that there is no human to make that decision, and so on… Discussions that I have had over and over again for way longer than those 15 years.

I can hardly think of solutions that do not include accepting that what I feel might be the right thing to do at this point, might turn out to be the absolutely wrong thing in the long run. However, I am convinced that it is better to try to take action instead of absorbing all these dark stories, dark headlines and dark feelings and just sit here at home on the couch crying, or lay awake at night, overthinking these troubles.

I always tried to keep supporting those in need, even when I was in my darkest days, no matter the species, nor their specifics. I know the lonely. I know the hate. I know the ready to give up. And I know it is worth to keep fighting. Because between all the scary headlines, I read all the messages of people who just cannot understand the horror. I see the love all these species can give and receive. I see the warmth and the hope hiding behind the despair and the fear.

So here I sit, after a major episode of crying over forgotten abducted school girls, bombings and attacks, demolished forests and (near) extinctions of their inhabitants and dying relatives of relatives (and so on). I sit here, writing this, and I wonder what it is I really want to say. Do I want to say “hang in there, it will get better”? Do I want to say “I know what you are going through, you are not alone”? Or do I want to say “You have the power to change some of it, no matter how small, your actions count”? Well, I guess, I want to say all of that.

So here I go: Hang in there, it will get better because you have the power to change some of it. No matter how small, your actions count. I know what you are going through, or at least I can relate to a part of it and you know what, you are not alone. There is no honor in complaining about how bad any situation is unless it is for the sake of you getting back on your feet, gathering your power to fight your personal demons, or the demons of the world. We cannot oversee the consequences of our actions over the long run, however, there is science that can help us to try to make good decisions and then there is respect and being open minded, so we won’t start to radicalize our ideas and think we are better than anyone else. Everyone makes mistakes. If that happens, well, complain a bit, get back on your feet and start trying to make this world a better place again.

Today, I want to celebrate diversity in all its forms. Tomorrow, I will continue my quest. Feel free to join me on this adventure.

There was a time, when I dreamed of a world where everything was candy and play. I must have been young, very young. I fantasized about that world on a regular basis. My biggest real life concerns were the small amount of candy that I could obtain and avoiding the bullies. So I hid in my fantasy world and slowly added everything I loved to it. It was sunny, but chocolate would not melt there. People were happy and gentle and could actually fly (The knack [of flying] lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. (Douglas, A. (1978). The Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy)). Space travel was available to anyone, without serious risks, of course.

That “fantasy” world is something I always kept in my heart. As I grew to the person I am now, not only the “real” world and the real world concerns changed, also my fantasy world changed. There is a funny thing to growing in age, into a world of obligations and the feel of lack of choice at some points. At least, for me. I never actually stopped dreaming. I never actually said goodbye to my fantasy world and my dreams of space travel and flying. Somewhere in my heart, I still believe that one day I will explore the universe and encounter worlds and species far beyond any imagination. Somewhere I believe that there are parallel universes and one day I will travel between those universes – without causing any cracks or harm of course. But.. I am drifting off. That is not what I wanted to write about. Well.. partly…

When I look around me these days. My heart gets filled with concerns and my soul hurts. The bullies of my childhood have become world leaders, though I prefer to give them the name of world managers, they are no leaders to me. The lack of candy has become a lack of peace, love, respect and (bio)diversity. I see huge risks occurring without seeing an out. Without seeing realistic mitigation measures (see, grown-up speech) that I can actually set in motion and more and more I feel the need to hide away in my fantasy world to not see the horror and terror of every day earthly life, even if it was for just one day.

There are days when my fantasy world feels a spark. It feels the possibility of actually starting to exist in what we call real life. And it is beautiful. It happens every now and then, that a friend of mine says or writes something about starting a new world, on an island mostly, where there is respect, love, peace, (bio)diversity and thus no war, no terror, no oppression. My fantasy world sees that, or hears that, and starts to grow. What if…

Of course there are many studies and experiments about how people live together and interact with each other. There is even a Dutch television program called Utopia, about people starting their own little world. Mostly the results aren’t pretty. But I refuse to let go of my hopes and dreams. Those studies are a real life things and they do not belong in my fantasy world. Not that science has no place there, it does. But I refuse to give up on my hopes and dreams based on real life science in this case. So, how to set up this world where everybody is welcome, but we do not need police, military or government? How to set up a world where there is plenty of space for love and peace and people and animals and diversity?

Seeing more and more people wanting this, searching for a place to run away to and hide, or maybe to run away to and from there start the new revolution, I am more and more thinking: Why not? Why not start an investigation on how to actually get this done. On how to buy an island, set up a crowdfunder and invite people who can add to this idea and are willing to put the energy into it. And then I thought, well, if I am going to investigate this, what better place to start than a Facebook group. A group of people who are willing to investigate with me and who are seriously interested in starting this revolution. So. Here it is. (Click) You can join if you want to. Just let us know what you can add, what you want to share on Island Revolution. The island where we will find respect, peace, and where we will (re)create biodiversity as well as possible. Even if it never grows beyond existing only in our imagination, let’s do this. Are you in?

For just a moment you were there. My heartbeat raised and my mind was focusing on that one thing I try to eliminate from my life. I do not want to let myself go for anyone. I do not want to fall in love. Not now. Not soon. Not ever. You were there. Your eyes captivated my mind. You were there. Your smile banned all rational thoughts. You gave me the idea that you felt the same. You gave me the idea that I could no longer hold on to my decision. Just for a brief moment you made me believe that this was possible. Then you stopped. You left my mind in complete confusion. You left my body curious about how you would feel. It took me a few days but then my mind slowly started to get back to where I feel comfortable these days. I realized that you probably would never be able to be with me. Not in this life. Not in this world. Your behaviour was a warning. It allowed me to understand that my strength is my weakness. It allowed me to see that even in this fight I can be easily distracted by the cravings of love and lust.

I cherish that moment, for it is the reason I can still fight. I cherish it, because it is the reason my world still exists. The ability of humans to love, to care for each other, no matter where they come from, no matter where they’re heading to… there is always the option to love. But not for me. This fight I started is not the fight I would want to be in if I had a choice, but if I choose to leave it now, I will become one of its victims for sure. There have been moments in the past that I had my doubts. I guess that is logical. But my love will never be understood. Not in this world. Maybe not in any world. So I fight against myself.

You need to know something more about me before you judge me. When this fight started, I was only 7 years old. That was the first time I had these feelings. There was not much to think about it back then. It was a normal thing, in a normal world. At least, the world seemed pretty normal to me. But when I grew older, I noticed that the boys I liked were all of the same age. They all stayed 7. And I grew older.

I will keep on fighting this war, because who I am, is not who I accept to be.