Help- My parents hate my fiance!

I’m new to this site, and my engagement is brand new (last night, yay!) but I’m having issues with my parents already so I thought I’d reach out for advice.

A little background info: I’m 21, I grew up riding horses with my fiance, my parents loved him when we were teammates. My dad was even the one that told him to ask me out originally! However, in the 2+ years that we’ve been together, my parents’ opinion of him has deteriorated.

They were supportive of our relationship until I had to cut back, and eventually stop competing in horse events completely. My parents have always gotten a kick out of watching my sister and I ride together, but I’m a Biochemistry major trying to get into medical school and I couldn’t do both school and rodeo well. When I was facing this decision, my parents demanded that I focus on horses because they had put so much time and money into that sport while I was growing up (which I appreciate tremendously, it’s made me the independent, determined woman that I am) but I knew that riding horses was not the occupation I wanted to pursue. My now-FI told me that he would support me no matter what I chose to devote my time to. After that, he became persona non grata with my parents. The rest of my family loves him.

Since they decided he’s not good enough, I hear nothing but negative things about him. At first he was no good because he worked in construction (which is both of my parents’ profession), and when he hurt his back earlier this year and made the decision to return to school, he was lazy, worthless, destined to fail, etc. I shouldn’t be surprised because they have the same things to say about me. Since I chose to focus on school, I’ve only heard that I’m not smart enough to be a Biochem major, I won’t be able to get into a good medical school, I can’t be trusted to make any decisions, etc. They even gave my horse away to punish me for no longer competing, even though I still rode her multiple times each week. I’m paying my own way through school because my parents won’t help, in the Honors Program, involved in research and volunteer work, and my fiance supports me completely in everything that I want to accomplish in life, whereas my parents don’t think I can. If they can’t control my every decision, they aren’t happy. I moved out of their house and into an apt with my FI a few months ago because 1- we were ready to live together, and 2- the emotional abuse became too much to bear on a daily basis. The past year has been hell when it comes to relations with them, and I shouldn’t be so hurt by their disapproval, but I still am.

He didn’t ask for their approval/blessing because of the strained relationship and because I didn’t really feel it necessary. Right after he asked last night, we went to their house and I told my mom. (My dad was already asleep). The first thing she said was, “you’re too young,” then she criticized my FI for not asking her and my dad (as if they ever would have said yes!), and then refused to acknowledge the ring, my FI, or any part of it. I want to tell my dad before I tell anyone else, out of respect, but I know his reaction will not be great. We’re not planning on getting married for at least 1.5-2 years, most likely not until I finish my Bachelor’s. My FI is a great guy who wants me to succeed, makes me happy, and cares for me in a way I didn’t think was possible- I know by now to expect bad reactions from my parents, but I am having a really hard time accepting their disapproval of him. Has anyone else been through something similar? This should be one of the happiest times in my life, and I don’t want my parents to bring me down.

Jkate44: I went through the same thing. My mom’s reaction was “ugh…Ren. No…” I went wedding dress shopping without her and that was when she realized that she could either get on board or lose out on something really special in my life. Eventually she came around. I’d just brush off their reaction and enjoy the time being engaged. I hope they come around for you. Good luck!

Jkate44: my fiance’s parents are the same way with him and hate me. honestly he’s just gone on with life with me and made it clear if they don’t accept me or accept us as a couple then there’s no room for them in his life. it’s been hard but he’s stood his ground with them and I think they are finally starting to realize he means it. so hopefully they knock their shit off. I would suggest you continue to do what you’re doing (which is great things) and make them realize their “approval” of your life decisions or relationship is not needed. hopefully they come around and realize they’ve been foolish.

Jkate44: Their emotional abuse is awful, and while their disapproval hurts now, they’re no longer a support system, you’re no longer dependent on them, and they can either be happy for you or be cut out of your life forever. It seems like they’re willing to cut you out of theirs, so all you can really do is take pride in your academic success, that you have a supportive wonderful fiance, and that you have your whole life ahead of you doing things that will make you happy.

If you know what you’re doing, you know what you’re doing and you’re going to have to let your parents be unhappy. There doesn’t seem to be a choice.

I agree that you are young, but you seem to have your priorities straight, so it’s time to be confident about them. It’s going to be up to your parents to either get on board, or risk losing you. It’s terrible for you, really unfair– but these are your cards. Good for you for the strength you’ve already shown, and for your FI for supporting you!! You will be ok.

I grew up doing rodeos and barrel racing. Once I moved away for college I begged my grandpa to let me take my horse but he told me I needed to focus on my education. I can not believe parents act like yours. Being an orphan and losing my dad when we weren’t on good terms, I don’t understand how some parents act like asshats…because they never know when they won’t get to see their children agai . I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Just focus on your fiancé right now and hopefully they will come around.

So your parents freaked because your fiance encouraged you to focus on getting into medical school rather than doing rodeo?

I think they have a lot bigger problems than needing to accept your fiance. You can’t fix them, but maybe they can relinquish control and learn to accept you as an adult. That decision is theirs; it is out of your hands. Good luck!

Well your parents just sound lovely ::note sarcasm:: honestly it sounds like you’ve found a great guy and at this point, you’ve made several choices they didn’t like/accept and you’ve moved on, I think this should be none exception. It’s wild to me they would think so backwards but thats life I suppose.

Jkate44: Congratulations on your engagement!! It sounds to me like it isn’t your FI they don’t approve of, but your career choice. Well that’s just tough, because you’re a grown woman and you should do whatever makes you happy. Your FI sounds hard-working, loving, supporting and understanding! I’m sorry your parents are acting like spiteful kids, so go ahead and be successful without them and they’ll come around eventually! Well they’ll have to or they’ll lose you in their lives.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I agree with PP on this. You are doing everything you can to better your life, which is all they should want for you. I am glad that you have your priorities straight and that you found someone so supportive. Your parents are making this choice. You can’t stop them from however they choose to react. You can only choose how you react. I know it hurts to not have their approval, but you know you are making the right choices. Maybe one day they will realize it too. Stay strong. 🙂

Thanks everyone! I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s been through something like this. As I expected, I’ve basically been disowned by my parents (which isn’t new, they make crazy threats every time I do anything good for my life), but my FI, his family, my extended family, and our friends have all been there for me. It sucks to feel attacked by my parents, but it’s nothing new, so I’m just focusing on school & being happy. Hopefully they come around eventually but if they don’t, it’s their loss not mine.

janellephant: I haven’t seen her in person since early this year (she lives about 7 hours away now), but she is still registered in my name. Luckily, she’s ended up in a good place with a family that adores her- people I’ve known through the horse community.