DEFCON

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In reality, the size of the convention is its biggest downfall. The fact is, real hackers don't go to huge conventions; real hackers stay where they belong, the basement. There have been somelulz-worthy moments, though, and you can always count on delicious drama when you fill a hotel with angsty teenagers with identity problems.

Among many of the intelectually charged events at DEFCON, some include:

Speeches, given to auditoriums filled with obese, pimplyteenagers who breathe mainly through their mouths. The nature of these lectures usually consists of elitist reflections on 'Hacker Culture' and pointless 'How-Tos.

Competitions, in which contestants attempt to pwn each other by creating "viruses" in command prompt. Usually the winner is a cunning little shit who thought outside the box, surprising everyone with their stunning intellect.

Messing with stuff you aren't really supposed to, like the slot machines. This is dangerous, especially considering that casinos tend to actually take security a little more seriously than most hotels.

"Spot the Fed" bullshit, doesn't work because the Feds have dozens of undercover "informants" at every DEFCON. Some of whom actually work for the organizers.

Normally the convention is as dull as a shoe-box full of wood chips; but in 2007 DEFCON organizers were tipped off by some geek in NBC's IT department that Michelle Madigan, a reporter from Dateline, would be spying on them for a hit piece.

DEFCON organizers offered Madigan several opportunities to get a press pass — but the dumb bitch insisted on staying "under-cover". So, they outed her in front of the entire convention.