If John Waters blogged about metal, the result would be Metal Inquisition. The site is mean as hell, yet culturally astute. It trawls society’s backwaters and exposes insecurities for public ridicule. Blogger Sergeant D is especially adept at this. The man has some of the strangest tastes I’ve ever seen. He’ll champion old-school powerviolence, then turn around and stick up for crunkcore and “wigger slam” metal (his term). He actually likes that stuff.

Decibel‘s June ’09 issue (Isis cover, buy here) had a feature on slam metal that extensively utilized Sarge’s expertise. (“Slam metal” in a nutshell: death metal with a preponderance of slow mosh parts.) I asked him to compile a mixtape that would be a slam metal primer. Below is the result, along with some notes by him. After listening to it, I still can’t tell any of this stuff apart. But some of it is surprisingly good. Warning: potentially offensive content ahead.

Hailing from Texas, these bros defined slam metal as we know it today with this song back in 1999. This particular version is from their demo and features their original vocalist, Wayne Knupp (RIP).

02. Gorevent – Extinction

The Japanese are at the forefront of slam innovation, applying the rigor and discipline of the Toyota Production System to crushing slamz. Gorevent is one of their best, executing the formula with ruthless precision. I have no fucking idea how they get this snare sound, though.

03. Cephalotripsy – Sanguinary Misogynistic Execration

Who knew San Diego was so br00tal?! These dudes are, IMO, the finest slam band in the US. What makes them so great is that they stick to the basic slam formula of slam, blast, slam gravity blast, slam, etc, but execute it better than anyone. The vocals are absolutely FILTHY.

04. Repudilation – Fall of Oppression

While I may have popularized the term “wigger slam,” these guys were playing wigger slam before it had a name. Of particular note is their excellent drummer, who went on to form Entorturement and 420 as well. Ice bell!

05. Rest in Gore – Gutrectomy

I think this band is mostly the same people as Gorevent, and it sounds mostly the same. But I’m cool with that; there is no such thing as too much guttural slamming brutality for this guy.

06. I Declare Goddess – I Declare Goddess

If you haven’t seen Big Chocolate’s Youtube videos, check them out. He is some 18 year-old kid from Nevada who is arguably the best death metal vocalist on the planet. This is a song he did with the singer for the deathcore band I Declare War.

07. Infernal Revulsion – Rot in Peace

Not all Japanese wigger slam (or jigger slam) is like Gorevent’s cold, machinelike churning. Infernal Revulsion have a more melodic, humanistic take on the genre that more directly references Suffocation, Entorturement, and other previous-gen bands.

08. Putrid Pile – Dead

This one man band is home to some of the catchiest slamz this side of “Babykiller.” I am pretty sure tweens enjoy dancing to this song.

09. Guttural Secrete – Reek of Pubescent Despoilment

Guttural Secrete are a good example of what some call “fast slam,” which is exactly what it sounds like: slam metal that has lots of blasts.

10. Disconformity – Endocranial Cast

This is the original jigger slam band, whose demo featuring this song back in 2003 or whatever turned quite a few heads. The ringy snare, the puffy down coats, the Jackson guitars — all the elements of the jigger slam sound started right here!

11. Condemned – Habitual Depravity

A Cephalotripsy spinoff band, this is a fine example of fast slam. They manage to write simple, catchy riffs that don’t skimp on the slamz like most brutal death bands do.

12. Human Rejection – Infernal Hostility

The Greeks may have invented democracy, but they can’t claim credit for the slamz. Nonetheless, this bunch of swarthy Greeks play a punching, relentless take on slam that will make you say, “So THIS is the new generation of power groove!”

13. Glossectomy – Unknown

This is the final of the “Big 3″ jigger slam bands, and they sound more or less exactly the same as the other ones. Definitely look up their Youtube videos for some lulz.

14. Pyrexia – Sermon of Mockery

Along with Internal Bleeding and Suffocation, Pyrexia are the forefathers of slam. They were particularly slammy, with the intro riff to this track being one of their finest moments.

15. The Dark Prison Massacre – My Cock Is the Truth

If the title of this song alone isn’t enough to get your approval, perhaps you will give it the nod after learning that this is the first CHIGGER SLAM band. That’s right, globalization is working its magic and we have offshored our low-end wigger capabilities.

Sup bros! I don't normally explain jokes but since I'd to be bros with you I will go there. It turns out that I'm pretty smart so let me deconstruct this for you to being you up to speed with what's happening here since I think you're missing a few critical points:

1. Like you, I think the word "wigger" is retarded2. The way I choose to express that sentiment is through humor3. Enumerating through multiple variations on "wigger" such as Jigger and Chigger is a way of highlighting the inherent absurdity in the rhetorical construct itself. To put a finer point on it, one of the best ways of assessing the merit of a system is to test extreme versions of the system: if it breaks, the system (and likely the underlying assumptions/logic of the system) is faulty. This is essentially what I am doing when I use a word like "Jigger." The subtext is something like, "We've all heard the word wigger so much that we never really question it or think about it. By using the same underlying framework to create a similar-yet-unfamiliar variation on the system, I will point out that the system itself is broken." So when I use the word Jigger, you should interpret it as criticism of the underlying and unquestioned racsim behind the word "wigger."

So there you go, No Fun Club. It turns out that we are on the same page, but I know you struggle with non-literal communication so I wanted to break it down for you and ruin the joke Now, please respond with whatever butthurt variation of "YEAH BUT STILL!" you feel is most appropriate.

My love affair with Metal Inquisition was jeopardized when I discovered Hipster Runoff and realized the extent to which Sergeant D is ripping off that blog. At the same time, had Sergeant D not referenced HRO in a post of his, I would be living life without its enriching glory.

Sergeant D seems kind of like the metal Carles. They're both impressively up to speed on trends, and routinely showcase a better understanding of them than almost anyone. Since I was initially more intrigued than repulsed when I discovered Brokencyde (and experienced a relatively long period of fascination with them which was partially fueled by Sergeant D's blogging), I think that me and the Serge would be bros.

Also, as far as Jigger Slam goes, I think that Vomit Remnants actually did it first. They formed in 1997 and had a full length out by 2001.

Craig, great comment! I definitely agree, although let me suggest that I am not simply ripping off HRO but (in true postmodern fashion) taking selected components from their structure/memes and layering our own on top to create something new, different, and with its own set of meanings. Certainly I will be the first to admit that I am HIGHLY influenced by HRO (and others have suggested that I am a ripoff before), but I would like to think that we bring some of our own intellectual capital to the table as well as a different style (less affected and self-aware).

Either way, I certainly reference HRO in very explicit ways; IOW I have never tried to hide the fact that I love and draw from HRO. You can decide for yourself whether that is a clever, postmodern tribute or a lazy shortcut. It's kind of like how Professor used Slayer riffs on the "Academizer" 7": is it a hilarious joke, or do they suck?? Who knows! They certainly aren't letting on.

In my case, I honestly don't know whether my re-use/references to HRO memes are sophisticated nods to a peer or whether I'm ripping him off like every band suckled at the teat of Cannibal and Suffo in the mid 90s. Seriously, I have thought about this and I can't decide.

Great comments, thanks! Not joking- sucks that you guys think I'm a douchelord, but hopefully from these posts you understand that there is quite a bit more happening behind the scenes than you thought, and that chances are you and I are saying the same thing (I just say it in much less direct language).

All I ask is that in future, before getting stangry, you take a step back and ask yourself whether what I'm writing may have meaning beyond a literal reading of the text. For example, when I say that Cemetery Rapist is a sweet band but Dillinger Escape Plan is gay because they hate fun, what do you think I am actually trying to say??? Do I mean what's written? The exact opposite? Both???

You can decide for yourself, but please at least pause and think for a second and ask yourself if it is really as simple as you think. When I use the phrase "Chigger slam," am I just a simpleminded moron, or could I be making a larger point that's lost on you because perhaps YOU are the one who struggles with the subtleties of communication in an environment that doesn't involce sweaty dudes with guitars???? Who knows, dudes… get crunk 2k9.75.

Thanks for the thoughtful reply dude. What you're saying with reference to your HRO influence makes a lot of sense, and it's basically what I had assumed.

One of the things I like best about Metal Inquisition is that it challenges metalheads to confront some of the more retarded attitude/lifestyle aspects that come along with being obsessed with this music. I'm constantly wavering between self-satisfied resolute dedication to the (better parts of the) genre, and feeling like I'm a childish idiot.

Granted, your regular readership is probably composed primarily of metalheads who are at least a little bit reflective and self critical to begin with. Otherwise they wouldn't "get it", I reckon.

It seems like there's a small but elite circle of opinion-oriented online metal journalism at the moment, with the brightest spots being Invisible Oranges, Metal Inquisition, and The Left Hand Path. Each serves a different purpose and has its own approach, but it seems as though you are all aware that you're part of it. I'm glad to have discovered it, and I feel like I should probably start making my own contributions.

What's more interesting for me is that you feel this is so fascinating.

Ha, touche.

I actually DON'T find it all that fascinating, I just want to make dumb jokes about Despised Icon and Infernal Revulsion wearing puffy vests without the No Fun Club jumping up my ass. I wouldn't usually bother replying at length like that expect that I was drunk and home alone haha.

Anyhow my point is just that I'm not a fucking idiot so give me the benefit of the doubt. If you honestly think I was itching to use the word "nigger" in that writeup then you should probably consider being evaluated for Asperger's because you clearly have absolutely no ability to detect sarcasm. That, or you're just a fucking idiot that sees things in such black-and-white terms that your worldview would make Discharge's seem infinitely nuanced and you should probably join Dropdead.

I got my No Fun Card laminated years ago. On the back it also adds: "…No Core, No Mosh."

Probably you weren't replying to me but I wouldn't judge someone based on how PC or un-PC their vocabulary is. I never thought you're a fucking idiot and certainly not any sort of dangerous racist. I have no judgments on your character to offer at all, actually.

If I have some unfavorable feelings about the stuff you write on MI (up to when I was reading at least) it's certainly not due to words, but instead, meanings.

Ipsissima verba! In the underlying tensions of those three words, you'll find all the future problems inherent in your humorous writing. The concept of truth does not jive with post-modernism and even if it did it would not be 'in a fashion' as such. A fashion is a transience, after all, but truths are forever.

You seem think like a metalhead which is endearing (at least for other metalheads ) but the objects towards which you turn you metalheadish affection, do not respond well to such straight-forwardness. Derrida is not a french slam metal band nor is True Postmodernism better than false metal.

I think you are condescendingly trying to say that I'm in over my head or something because I used the word "postmodern" in a somewhat unsophisticated way?? If it's going to be a contest over who knows more about postmodernism I will lose for sure, so I will take your word on those points. I am certainly far from an expert on that topic and it's entirely likely I don't know what I'm talking about.

Score one point for the No Fun Club Debate Team and literature departments everywhere! Who knew that English degrees could not only get you a job at Starbucks, but also give you the tools to turn what was intended to be a lighthearted post about retarded slam metal into a boring, pedantic battle of egghead oneupsmanship- just like grad school!

English isn't my first language, I haven't gone to grad school, I don't have a job (at Starbucks or otherwise). My critique of your writings is kind-hearted, I wish you'd believe me. If you picture an adorable kitty talking to you instead of some stern-looking pale nerd with a severe haircut it'll start to come through, I swear.

I *am* saying you don't seem to know what post-modernism entails and how it's used and abused but my point wasn't to "put you in your place", as far as I'm concerned your place is at the top of the world, man. I'm pointing it out because you seem to be struggling with issues that have to do with that subject, so educate yourself and – hopefully – move on to something that doesn't seem to cause you self-identification troubles. If you sincerely love things and want to talk with like-minded people about them, then post-modern affectation is not for you, man. You will still be funny playing it straighter too, for example, think about Bill Hicks, hilarious guy, only said the truth.

Seriously, I didn't mean to derail anything or to get into an antagonistic argument, you were already talking about post-modernism in the comments before I came in.

Thanks for the comp. I was ready to send the folder to the Recycle Bin after 3 songs. But the songs started sounding better in the latter half. I really like I Declare Goddess and Putrid Pile, but I don't know if it's entirely for the slamz.

Just nitpicking, but one of Gorevent's guitarist and their bassist are ex-Rest in Gore. Also Gorevent is across the island from Rest in Gore (Niigata and Tokyo). So, anyway, not the same people. Perhaps fun fact for the Engrish mill: Gorevent's ex-vocalist fronted now defunct brutal NGDM–that's Niigata Death Metal–band Illegal Abortion.

Tangentially related: if you're into Glossectomy check out Viscera Infest and the whole lot of (intentionally) asinine Oita/West Japan bands. I can't tell whether you are mocking the seriousness of "jigger" bands or just their general absurdity and over-the-top-ness, but if the former, rest assured that there is a sizable constituency of Japanese slam bands (not to mention grind, death, and noise bands) who are fully conscious of and actively flaunt the stupidity inherent in their genre of choice. That doesn't always come through in recordings, but if you'd see a show…oh, mang.

that there is a sizable constituency of Japanese slam bands (not to mention grind, death, and noise bands) who are fully conscious of and actively flaunt the stupidity inherent in their genre of choice

Interesting! I had no idea that they were at all self-aware, but that adds a whole other layer of absurdity that makes me appreciate them even more.