How to make it work? Couples discuss keys to relationships

Sunday

Dec 23, 2007 at 12:01 AMDec 23, 2007 at 10:23 PM

It’s so sweet — isn’t it? — when you see couples holding hands, especially those your own age. Read on to find out what four women said when asked this question: How does your significant other bring out the best in you?

Georgette Braun

It’s so sweet — isn’t it? — when you see couples holding hands, especially those your own age.

Makes you wonder what kind of “happy juice” they’re on, doesn’t it?

Kidding aside, four Rock River Valley couples say their relationships with their partners are strong.

Read on to find out what the women said when asked this question: How does your significant other bring out the best in you?

Their partners weigh in here, too, as well as a Loves Park licensed clinical psychotherapist who works with couples and offers tips for healthy relationships.

She's nearly 30

About her: Katie Nilsson is former 13News Morning Anchor and reporter at WREX-13, who on Dec. 21 took a job doing marketing and customer relations for LDR, Rockford.

About him: Kyle Zimmerman is a truck driver and laborer for Landmark Excavating, Belvidere, and is a volunteer firefighter in Cherry Valley.

About them: They’ll marry in February.

She says: “He knows a lot about a lot of stuff. I feel like his brains push me to work mine. Before I met him, I swear I didn’t even know how to open the hood of my car. He challenges me to learn how to take care of maintenance on it myself.

“And he always sees the good in situations. I am quite the opposite. My grandmother, who has diabetes and whom my mom donated her kidney to about five years ago, is now in the process of losing that one, too. ... Kyle encouraged me to look at the good of the situation. I say, ‘Thank God we have had her for these last five years. Let’s make the most of the time she’s got left.’ ”

He says: “She pays attention when I try to teach her things that will help her out. And she has a great personality, gets along with everybody and has a good time with everyone. That motivates me to be happy like that."

In her 40s

About her: Jennifer Doyle is president of GTD Inc., Rockford, a company with six employees that excavates and dredges, as well as removes, cleans and tests underground storage tanks.

About him: Chuck Doyle is a firefighter with the Rockford Fire Department and a DJ at WZOK (97.5-FM).

About them: They’ve been married 16 years and have two daughters, Paige, 15, and Morgan, 11.

She says: “He calms me. I tend to be a high-strung, very structured person, very regimented. When I come home after a hard day and start ranting and raving, he’ll say, ‘Every day is not going to be a good one.’ And he’ll massage my shoulders and give me a hug. Or we’ll walk the dogs together and come back and have a glass of wine. Or swing on the swing.

Fight fair and forgive to make relationship work:

Tips from Lisa A. Breisch, a Loves Park licensed clinical psychotherapist, on how you and your partner can contribute to each other’s happiness:

Don’t expect anyone but yourself to be responsible for your happiness. Make yourself happy first, and then share your happiness with your partner.

Don’t do anything for your partner if you expect that person to do something for you in return. Keeping score in a relationship won’t work.

Forgive one another.

Make and keep clear agreements. It shows respect for yourself and your partner, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.

Be responsible. If you’ve been snippy with your partner, own up to it and get curious about how you might do things differently next time.

Review your expectations. Don’t try to make your partner fulfill every need in your life.

Use communication to establish a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual plan. Listen, but don’t interrupt. Ask friendly questions. Share information.

Fight fair. Negotiate a time to talk about problems. Attack the problem, not the person, by using “I” statements telling how you struggle with the problem, not with “you” statements that blame the other person for your thoughts and feelings. Stay on topic; don’t use ammunition from the past to fuel the present. Say “I’m sorry” when you’re wrong. Don’t hold grudges.

Ask for professional help if you need it.

"I have crazy hours during construction (season), and he helps me by making sure the kids are where they need to be. For the most part, he plans family trips, like to Disney World."

He says: “Just my being there helps calm her down. She shows me respect by listening and talking things through. And she’s thoughtful.”

In their 50s

About Vickie Shaw: Shaw is a comedian and performs in Rockford, on cruise ships and elsewhere nearly every weekend. She has two sons, a daughter and a granddaughter.

About Lori Patsch: Patsch is a sergeant with the Winnebago County Sheriff’s office and is shift supervisor for the 911 Center.

About them: They’ve been a couple for eight years.

Shaw says: “We bought a house in August in Houston that she’d never seen. My family lives in Houston. We’ll settle there when she retires. Lori would ask me questions about the house, but she completely trusted my judgment.”

Patsch says: “She’s my anchor. I have tendencies to be very emotional. She levels me out. Being a comic, she has the ability to talk to people. If it were up to me, I probably would not have a lot of contact with people.

“Vickie reminds me of how good people are. She was responsible for getting me and my family back together on speaking terms. I had been estranged from my family for eight years over my being gay. For Vickie, it’s all about family. She made me see what I was missing. She knew there was emptiness.”

Patsch’s mother had been sending her daughter letters over the years. Shaw called her partner’s mother one day about four years ago and told her not to give up on reconciliation. A few weeks later, Patsch called her parents, and now everyone is on excellent terms.

“We were absolutely crushed when we found out about our daughter being gay,” said JoAnn Patsch of Lake Worth, Fla. “But I didn’t want to lose her. When the phone rang, everything was erased. Lori is the kindest, sweetest, most giving daughter. As for Vickie, I can’t repay the debt I owe her.”

Added Patsch’s dad, Walt Patsch: “It took eight years for us and Lori to wise up. We’re real happy about it.”

In her 60s

About her: Lynne Koenigsberger had owned Communication Design, a Rockford-based graphic design business, for 23 years before deciding to close it in the fall and take a job as director of marketing and fundraising for Zion Development Corp. of Rockford. She has two sons and a grandson.

About him: Dale Townsend is an engineer and project manager for ABC Supply Co. of Beloit, Wis. He has two daughters.

About them: They’ve been married 14 years.

She says: “He’s the math and science guy, and I’m the creative person. We like to say, ‘Between the two of us, we have a brain.’ We complement each other.” He also trusts her judgment, and vice versa.

For example, they bought a condominium in late summer in The Lantow Lofts at 502 Seventh St., in the middle of Rockford, without having seen it. It’s still in the process of being completed, and they expect to move in this spring.

Koenigsberger made the decision to buy the place after being told that a recent urban living tour stirred much interest, and they’d better act fast. She did and called her husband, who was on his way to a business trip.

"He did a U-turn on I-90, we chose a unit, and then he went to San Francisco,” Koenigsberger said. Townsend, who had developed a project in West Bend, Wis., with 356 lofts, had been sold on loft-living for a while. Koenigsberger came around, and they decided to sell their house. “He’s interested in recreation and biking, and (these job and living changes) will allow me to have more of a life with him doing some of the things he enjoys.”

He says: “I’m constantly amazed of how wonderful it is to have her on your team. She has integrity. She has this ability to see the root of the problem and come up with multiple solutions. ... It’s great that she saw fit to give up her house and to do this (loft-living) with me. ... I have no desire to do yard work.”

Georgette Braun, who strives to be in healthy relationships, may be reached at 815-987-1331 or gbraun@rockfordwoman.com.

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