An everyday look at the mind of a crazy girl fulfilling her dreams

In the most unexpected place, I found happiness, comfort and contentment.

For the longest time, I feel like I’ve been holding myself back from being in the moment, enjoying my time with the people around me and the circumstances that unfold in front of me. I have never felt more welcome in someone’s presence – treated for who I am and what I can be.

Thank you for today. Whether you know it or not, you really made my day and placed an almost irreplaceable smile for weeks.

In the process of my discernment during this quiet February night, a few revelations have unfolded to me…

It shakes me to think about these things, and to this minute, I don’t know what to make of it yet.

I have been noticing images of The Holy Mother almost everywhere I go – at the church, in adoration, and even when I read the Bible; almost always, I open to the page where the image of The Lady of Guadalupe’s lies. This fact is already strange to me, as this image is placed in a seemingly unrelated part of the Bible. I found this image in the Gospel of Matthew, where in this page, he doesn’t even mention Mother Mary…

Repeatedly, The Holy Mother’s image would come into my mind, most especially the image above: The Lady of Guadalupe.

I didn’t think much of this before, yet I knew, perhaps Mama Mary wanted to tell me something?

Months had passed since my resolution to grow deeper in my faith with the Lord, but tonight, something really urged me to find out more about why I always had Mama Mary in my mind.

Not too long ago, I was discerning for a certain decision for a new role I was asked to do at church. I opened the bible, and I read the story of Tobit and Sara. Tobit became blind, and Sara was condemned to death after her multiple husbands died before one of them had a chance to consummate their marriage. Tobit and Sara both pleaded for God’s help, deep in their misery and suffering… They lifted everything to the Lord and the Lord answered their prayers.

Strangely enough, these were the excerpts from the Bible that really stood out to me. I read these chapters some days ago.

January 31, 2017.

Alleluia! I am pleased that the Lord has heard my voice in supplication, that he has not been deaf to me, the day I called on him.

…

Gracious and righteous is the Lord, full of compassion is our God. The Lord protects the simple: He saved me when I was humbled. … He has freed my soul from death, my eyes from weeping, my feet from stumbling.

–Psalm 116: 1-2, 5-6, 8

February 11, 2017.

Do not forsake me in the day of my affliction, when I am helpless against arrogant enemies: I will praise your name continually and sing to you my thanksgiving.

And my prayer was heard, you saved me from destruction and delivered me from an evil plight.

–Sirach 51: 10-11

All of these verses give me great comfort and assurance that things are really going to be okay: because God willed it to be so. These times right now are definitely one of my most difficult times of my life that I feel no one will be able to understand… yet, here it is, these comforting words from God presented themselves to me in such an amazing manner – days apart, but looking back at it now, I clearly see what He is really trying to say to me.

Today is February 13, 2017.

February 11 and February 13 are the days the Lady of Lourdes made an apparition in Lourdes, France in 1858. The Lady of Lourdes and The Lady of Guadalupe are essentially the same person: and she is none other than The Holy Mother Mary.

This curiosity spurred an interest within me to know more about the Lady of Guadalupe, so I embarked on a journey literally hours ago to read more about Her beautiful story.

Our Lady of Guadalupe appeared to a humble peasant and farmer, Juan Diego in the 1530s and instructed the old man to tell the bishop to build a temple where she had appeared in Tepeyac Hill, Mexico. Juan Diego obliged, and the rest is historyTo this day, the Tepeyac Hill chapels and basilicas that were built to honour the Lady of Guadalupe stand strong, almost as a testimony to the world of the countless miracles this place had been a witness to.

It is said that the Lady wanted to build the exact temple that stands today as a way for Her to look over Mexico and hear the prayers and petitions of the people. It is also said that her apparition was a response to a pagan Aztec Princess’ cry for help years before, in the 1510s, to save her people from suffering and turmoil.

The story is quite touching to me as it relates to me on a very personal level. These hardships that I’m going through right now will pass.

Today is the day I also realized that the Lord isn’t the only person I can pray to – I can build a personal relationship with the Holy Mother as well. In the same way she listened to the cry of the Aztec princess thousands of years ago, and to this day where She continues to listen to Her people…

As her famous words go… She whispered to Juan Diego that night when he was filled with doubt and uncertainty, and the moment he failed to do in the right time what the Mother has asked him to do…

The waves quietly rolled towards the white specked sand, tickling his feet with its cold touch. They pulled back again, revealing sea shells that decorated the otherwise blank shore.

Zian breathed in the fresh, salty air that surrounded him and the sun rays that slightly kissed his face that was almost telling him…

Welcome home.

He took a step forward, moving closer to the sea that overlooked the seemingly endless blue horizon that stretched out in front of him.

He stretched out his hand, as if reaching for something that he couldn’t quite put a finger on… He reached for the sun that was just peeking from the sky, and closed his hands around it, as if to catch it.

Zian couldn’t explain it. He couldn’t understand it, but it seemed as if his heart was telling him something that his mind had forgotten.

It had already been a year, yet he couldn’t remember… why he always ended up at this same place, at this same time… reaching out for the sun or the moon… waiting for something to come?

Zian.

He could only pick up the fragmented memories scattered in his head and tried to make sense of it.

Zian, will you wait for me?

“Why am I waiting for you?”

I will come back for you… and that’s my promise.

Her words rang like a bell in his head, and his heart twisted and turned as he ached to remember the last memories of a person he knew but he didn’t know. He longed of a place and a time he wished to go back to, to try and make sense of the missing pieces of his puzzled thoughts.

I love you, Zian. I always will.

A light tap on his shoulder interrupted his train of thoughts, as the waves started to roll back in quietly again, the cold water touching his bare feet.

The sun shined brightly beyond him, covering everything he could see in front of him.

He placed his hand on his forehead and took a good look at the other living soul that found him in this lonely beach.

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow findYou and I collide

– Howie Day

There has been much thought, discernment, prayer and perhaps a little chaos that has been on my mind for the last couple of days.

It all started last Thursday and Friday, when a rather surprising confession revealed itself to me, shaking me off the steady ground I’ve always been on for the past few years.

I’ve always known that I am a goal-oriented person: I get things done, I am self-motivated, and for the most part… I am still very much eager to pursue my dreams in life.

My journey started four years ago when I made the decision to take the leap of faith to drop everything, and pursue my passions and my dreams.

I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am today, yet still – I still feel incomplete. I still feel that I am not enough.

A good friend of mine had given me a wake-up call last Thursday, December 15, 2016: making me realize all the things I was too scared to admit to myself:

I always tried so hard to be everyone to the people I care about. I cared so much about them that I forgot about myself. Despite all the things that I’ve been through… and all the awesome things I have accomplished all these years, I still feel I am not enough… I still feel that I am not there yet. I am not worthy to give myself the success and the love that I have always longed for…

The only thing really stopping myself was me.

I didn’t believe in me.

I didn’t think I was worthy.

That was a feeling I would never forget. All my pent up emotions suddenly came out like water that was overfilled in a jar. I didn’t know why it hit me so much… I was expecting harsh words and disciplinary actions from my good friend – after all, that was his character to others.

It felt so strange to me that he showed me with such kindness, that it even made me question whether he was just saying that to make me feel better.

But I quickly realized that perhaps I didn’t need harsh words anymore. I didn’t need any more pep talks about discipline, motivation, or a change of perception.

I already beat up myself at a daily basis… he probably sensed that I didn’t need anymore than I already do to myself.

It felt so good crying that day – just letting all my anxieties and worries out. It felt so good to accept that I was still broken, still a little scarred from all that’s ever happened, but that’s okay.

It’s okay.

It’s not too late to stand up again and make myself a better person.

It was during that day that I really made a strong decision to myself that I would not bring myself down like that anymore. I would not be haphazardly going through life like I did 4 years ago, thinking I can do it all myself.

The truth is, I can’t – and now I’m okay with that fact.

That’s what people are for – to help and support me in my journey.

It was during that day I really decided to change my life for the better.
No more aiming too low, no more disbelief – only pure trust, faith, belief, love and the certainty that I am able to do what I need to do.

I can do it. I can… and I will, and I am.

But you see? It’s absolutely funny how life works… in the midst of all the realizations and the truths I came to accept on that very day… as the next day unfolded, it was almost an instant answer from the universe and God himself…

It was almost as if they were just hiding the answers until I was ready.

It’s definitely, absolutely funny how life is.

Just when I finally was open to meeting somebody, but wasn’t really looking for anyone…

You came into the picture.

At this point, I tell myself, why not? There’s nothing to lose.

I still get this uneasy feeling around me – but perhaps that’s just my thoughts and my past haunting me. I guess I’m still scared to let myself go and be in the open again: to be vulnerable and to offer myself – even just with friendship.

Here I am typing away, weirdly all alone in the office as most people probably stayed home because of the supposed “snow” storm.I guess it didn’t really affect my area so much – which is a great thing, because I can still drive with ease today.

On my snowy drive to work today, I caught myself getting so sleepy from listening to the same music over and over again from the radio… I tried switching and listening to my music, which really did nothing – until it hit E.T. – My favourite rapper/speaker: Eric Thomas.

His voice and his enthusiasm instantly woke me up, and his words rang through my head as I continued to step on my pedal.

You have to tap into your why in a way that you’ve never tapped into before.
Most of you are so busy thinking about your goals and dreams that you forget to ask why… why… why? Why do we do what we do? Why do we wake up in the morning and do what you do?

Your focus must change. Whatever you read, whatever you do, whatever you spend your time on… Whatever you focus on everyday will grow….

Time to shift my focus on more bigger things rather than small things like silly social media, random videos and random things…

To more productivity!

Posts navigation

I believe that everyone is a genius. You are a genius. I am a genius.
This will be a mish mash blog that will record the deepest recesses of my mind translated to (digital) paper to alleviate my soul.
To everyone who is reading this blog, may your eyes be blessed!