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Thursday, October 23, 2014

5 Giant-Sized Versions of Your Worst Nightmares

Yesterday, the spider puppy crawled out of the depths of the South American rainforest and click-clacked through the leafy undergrowth into our hearts.

If it weren't for the venomous and near-lethal bite, I'd give you kisses all over. Yes I would! Yes I would!

But this isn't the only super-sized phobia out there. Here's some more nightmare fuel for your Thursday afternoon.

Ratzilla Doesn't Die

How bad can a rat be? Sure, they sometimes live in sewers and bite and carry all kinds diseases but when you get right down to it... oh my freaking god look at that thing.

This massive sewer monster was so hell-bent on terrorizing a Swedish family, he burrowed through concrete just to get to them. At close to a foot and a half long, it promptly made itself at home in their kitchen, despite the presence of a cat who was the only member of the family who had the good sense to stay the fuck out of there. Nothing could slow this goliath down as it promptly continued to make itself at home even as its damned neck was snapped inside an exterminator grade trap.

Ear Roach

A rat in the kitchen is one thing. Sure, it's horrible, but you can always burn the house down, salt the earth, and walk away like nothing happened. The same can't be said for Austrian Hendrick Helmer who had a 2cm long cockroach crawl in and set up shop in his ear. Attempts to remove it with a 'vaccum cleaner' only angered the beast and presumably the evil god who first creatd it.

2 cm may not seem big, especially compared to the lifeboat-sized rat you just looked at, but try to remember IT WAS IN HIS FREAKING EAR. And just look at that guy...it takes a ballsy insect to make that scary ass dude's brain his home.

Ceiling Snake
Do I even need to tell you this next story happened in Australia, a place where animals only come in large or venomous.

That's not a snake. This, this is a snake.

Now I live in a moderately rural area in that the trees out-number the amount of cars on my street. So occasionally I'll find a harmless brown snake slither across my driveway. In winter, a snake might make its way inside the basement to keep warm (don't tell my wife). But that's about it.

In Australia, apparently, the snakes are so damn eager to get inside they puncture their way through the ceiling and pop out like the most strangly jack in the box in the world. Because this happened in Australia, however, the owners paused to snap a few shots and upload them to Reddit before calmly making themselves a new pair of boots.

Giant Bee

In what appears to be a scene in the opening film of a 1950's monster movie double-billing, a reporter is assaulted on the air by a giant man-sized bee. Her face frozen with fear in a smiling richter of death. I don't know. I didn't actually read the story. It's probably just a bug on the camera lens, but still. Look at that thing!

5.5 Meter Alligator Attacks Shark

Obviously, this also happened in Australia. How come they don't mention this shit on their visitor websites?

The picture you are looking at is not a scene from King Kong. It's a 5.5 meter alligator casually eating a mother fucking shark like a construction worker with a baloney sandwich on his lunch break. 5.5 meters? Are you fucking kidding me? I can't even run that far without getting winded.

Once again, the Aussie local who happened to catch this scene which proves once and for all there is no just creator, sat casually back and snapped pictures like he was on Disney's Jungle Safari. Hey dude, giant shark and alligator in front of you locked in a death match. Put down the damn food and pack your shit up. Australia wants you dead.