The Dos and Don'ts of Dating at the Same Time as Your Parent (and How to Deal)

It’s a strange day when we realize that our parents are sexual beings. It is so much simpler to just think of them as asexual Barbie or Ken dolls whose sole mission is to care for you and follow you around just constantly applauding your life and mopping your brow. If, for a number of reasons, you find yourself with a parent who is dating after your parent-as-sexual-being enlightenment, you are in a unique position to know exactly what that entails. It is not uncommon for a situation to arise where an adult child is dating right alongside their parent. And guess what: They probably know all about what you’re doing on a Friday night too. Parents and adult children parallel dating opens up a Pandora’s box of a whole lot of awkward, but if everyone just remains calm and behaves like a civilized human, you can all come out unscathed.

DO NOT leave your sexy leopard-print bra-and-panty combo out in the open.

Or silk boxers. Or handcuffs. Or sensual massage oil. Congratulations on re-entering the dating world, and, yes, lifting those weights is paying off, but you need to keep it to yourself. It is inconsiderate to let your offspring see your sexy side. Your kid knows that you’re having sex, and honestly, they are stoked for you. It’s uncomfortable enough for a kid to know that mom or dad may also be doing that thing they did last night, visual evidence is not necessary when they just want to come over for some meat loaf.

Be careful talking about the details of your relationships.

No matter what anyone says, parents and their children are not “friends.” You may have a very open and friendly parent-child relationship, but conflating that with friendship is inappropriate. Our friends don’t breast-feed us or change our diapers or, you know, contribute half of our DNA. It’s a different, special relationship and should be treated as such. If you need to process some fight or disagreement or WORSE, gush about your dating life, you need to burden your friends with that. This is what they signed up for; your children did not. When you tell your kids about your dating life, keep it to the facts. “John is a doctor. He lives in Los Angeles.” vs. “John is a doctor, which means he doesn’t have much time for me. Los Angeles is close, but I am usually too tired to drive back, so I normally end up staying over.” We’re either going to infer the extra details or purposefully do everything in our power to block them out, and either is fine.

Newly single parents, if you must go through a stage of finding yourself, DO NOT drag your kid through it.

Remember that they are going to form an impression of you based on who you bring around. It’s great to get out there and salsa dance or learn to surf, but do not bring your 20-year-old belly-button-pierced art teacher home. Spread your wings and fly, and then invite your kid to join you once you’ve landed safely.

DO give your parent space.

Look, it’s uncomfortable to know what they are doing with that space, but we’re all adults here. You are still their sun and moon and stars, but you don’t fulfill all their needs, and that’s as it should be. Think of it as contracting out: You do a lot for them, but they need to bring in reinforcements to cover all the bases. If you don’t want to watch your dad pregame his date over a romantic glass of wine, don’t go over there. Romance and sex are going to happen, and it’s totally normal to not want to see your parent being flirtatious. They don’t (or shouldn’t) want you to see it either. So keep ‘em separated.

And some general thoughts for everyone to consider:

DO NOT compare dates/kisses/sex/relationships.

You’re not besties. Get some friends.

DO discuss boundaries.

Make a cup of tea, spike it with bourbon if you need to, and hammer out some plans. If either party has a specific request, better to get it out in the open before you barge in to do your laundry to find Mom making out with a handsome stranger on the couch. Maybe it’s time to start knocking. And if you’re introducing your parent or adult child spawn to someone that you’re dating, for God's sake tell them beforehand. We’re all too old to call people we’re sleeping with our “friend.” Part of having good boundaries is calling a spade a spade.

Whatever you do, in these unsure times, DO NOT get drunk together.

Loose lips sink ships and are prone to oversharing.

The bottom line is this, you’re a family and you want nothing but the best for one another. You know that sex and dating are healthy for everyone, even parents, right? So it’s the responsibility of all involved parties to figure out how to respectfully share details of your lives and when to get the hell out of the way.