Trump’s Equal Opportunity Ignorance

August 14, 2017

Person of interest is an overweight man of approximately 70 years of age with orange hair who was reported to be repeatedly riding up and down the escalators in a gaudy midtown Manhattan skyscraper. When approached by local authorities, subject claimed to be a prominent billionaire, the host of a wildly successful television game show and the president of the United States. Given the grandiose nature of these claims, subject was detained for observation.

During a rambling interview, subject decried the presence of “haters and losers” who were out to get him, contrasting this with his own perceived status as “a winner,” which he credited to a possibly unique genetic makeup. To wit: “I have great genes and all that stuff, which I’m a believer in”; “God helped me by giving me a certain brain”; “I have like a very, very high aptitude”; “Maybe it’s just something you have. You know, you have the winning gene.”

When questioned about his unusual hair configuration, subject replied in a somewhat long-winded fashion with various statements, such as “You know you’re not allowed to use hair spray anymore because it affects the ozone … ’cause you know hair spray’s not like it used to be, it used to be real good…. If I take hair spray, and I spray it in my apartment, which is all sealed, you’re telling me that affects the ozone layer?”

Subject further claimed to be in possession of a Twitter account followed by tens of millions of people, all of whom recognize his greatness. He said he has used Twitter to explain, among other things, that climate change is a fiction. Examples of his beliefs on this topic include:

“Give me clean, beautiful and healthy air—not the same old climate change (global warming) bullshit! I am tired of hearing this nonsense”; “The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive”; “Well, I think the climate change is just a very, very expensive form of tax…. And I often joke that this is done for the benefit of China. Obviously, I joke. But this is done for the benefit of China, because China does not do anything to help climate change.” When challenged on these statements, subject responded: “I did not. I did not. I do not say that” but also said he abandoned the Paris climate accord to stop other countries from “laughing at us.”

Subject also contended that vaccinations can cause autism and has tweeted the following messages:

“Healthy young child goes to doctor, gets pumped with massive shot of many vaccines, doesn’t feel good and changes—AUTISM. Many such cases!” and “I am being proven right about massive vaccinations—the doctors lied. Save our children & their future.” Subject furthermore claimed to have been the sole authority invited to discuss autism on an episode of Fox & Friends, despite his complete lack of medical or scientific training or any expertise on the topic.

In what appears to be a related delusion that expertise is actually a liability when it comes to assessments of scientific validity, subject claimed that, as president of the United States, he submitted a budget to Congress that would cut funding to the National Institutes of Health by 18 percent; the Food and Drug Administration by 31 percent; the National Science Foundation by 11 percent; the Environmental Protection Agency by 31 percent; and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention by 17 percent.

When asked why he was riding the escalator, subject expressed his personal “theory” about exercise: “All my friends who work out all the time, they’re going for knee replacements, hip replacements—they’re a disaster” and reportedly compared the human body to a battery with a finite amount of energy, which would be depleted by exercise.

Subject requested a steak (well done) and a cola drink. He awaits further special counsel from Dr. Mueller.