life as a Strange Mamma

Shadow and Light

For one glorious day I was pregnant. Or at least I could have been. There was a shadow of a line, a hint of pink, in the right light. I felt…well, it was surprising. I wasn’t surprised, I’d been tired, feeling yucky, we’d had well-timed relations. What was surprising is that mostly, I just felt free. Free of all the stress/disappointment/anticipation. Free isn’t even a good enough word. I felt…light. Dare I say, like my old self, although up until that moment I didn’t realize my old self was missing. When I looked at things (things being little pink lines and shadows) objectively, I knew it wasn’t really a positive, I knew I was fooling myself, but it was so easy to do, so simple to believe that I really was pregnant. Because then I didn’t have to worry about it anymore, I could just get on with my day.

Now if you’ve been following me for a couple months, you know I’ve been here before. Recently. But this time it turned out differently. I’m not pregnant. It was just a shadow. Next time I will buy a digital test and never mind all this silly interpretive guess-work. But this time, for a moment I felt hope, I felt joy, I felt light. And I don’t want to lose that. I don’t have to be pregnant for that, I just have to get back to my old self, not worry about it and get on with my day. Get on with my life. Get on with being Doodle’s mom and the Rocket Scientist’s wife, not someone who can’t get pregnant. Why do I need to be pregnant right now? I know we’re going to have more kids. If not from ‘well-timed relations’ then from well-timed medical interventions. They worked so well the last time that there’s no real reason to think they won’t work this time. And even if they don’t, then we just move on to adoption earlier than we thought. This will happen. I have to stop spending so much of my time waiting for it. It’s not going to get happen any faster. Watched pot and all that. And I’m missing so much while I stare at that stupid pot.

I feel like I’m not doing this revelation justice. Like I’m not able to put into words how different yesterday was. And, really how different today continued to be even after taking the second test today to confirm that it was indeed just a shadow. I had more patience with Doodle. And I hope with my husband, too, you’ll have to ask him. I played more, smiled more, laughed more, cried less. I was still tired, food still made me feel yucky, but that is kind of my life. I just don’t notice it unless I’m late.

I am so happy that today didn’t change. Too much. I will admit that I am disappointed. I would love to be pregnant right now. But I also want to get back to really loving being a mom. And not just any mom, but Doodle’s mom. And today I was. My patience lasted, my playfulness lasted, my smile lasted, my laughter lasted. Changes in plan weren’t so bad, feeling a little claustrophobic in the church nursery didn’t make me want to just pack up and go home early (which we actually did do, just last Sunday). There were a few tears, but mostly out of awe. Awe for how faithful God is. Awe for how faithful and long-suffering my husband is. Awe for my beautiful, amazing, not-enough-adjectives-in-the-book-wonderful son. Awe for another beautiful boy we saw on TV tonight. Yes, I cried. I could feel that mom’s heart in her throat and the pride she had for her son no matter what the outcome.

I will do my best in the coming days and weeks to remember this lightness and to keep it and not take on such heavy burdens again. And then, hopefully, it will become habit again, being my old self. Even yesterday, as I was realizing the difference, I was glad that we thought maybe this time even as I knew it wasn’t really. I was glad because I was able to see what I was missing. I was able to see how things could be if I just stepped away from the shadows and lightened up.