When You Can No Longer Fix Yourself

I always want things to be in order. Perfectionist and meticulous were some of the words people used to describe me. I had an obsession with order and a compulsion to fix things on my own, even when sometimes they are not really broken.

From sorting my clothes in the closet according to colors to shelving my books based on sizes, I gain a satisfaction when I see that my things are organized. From arranging the tiled icons on the start screen of my Windows phone to sorting the notes in my wallet, I feel most relaxed when I see balance, parallelism, and symmetry. From mapping my itinerary when I go to outdoor adventures, creating a timeline when handling a corporate project, to strategizing when I need to solve a problem, I want to establish solid processes and follow a certain regimen.

Throughout the years, my “organizational skills” have helped me attain a college degree, secure a great job in reputable firms, and overcome challenges on a daily basis. I like to have a plan for which things in my life should operate, and for years I thought I am all adequate and capable to sustain the comfortable life that I dreamed for myself.

Then one day, someone walked into my life and broke my heart. My routine life has been shaken and everything fell out of order. Suddenly, I have lost my ability to put things back in order.

I was confronted by the greatest challenge to fix the damage that involved the weakest part of my being – my damn feelings!

I could not fix myself.

The ensuing episodes of my life were appalling. I found myself following and, at times, leading the pack of walking dead. Depression frequently visited me in broad daylight. Internet pornography set the coldest hours of the night on fire. I became obsessed with my desire for sexual invigoration. I sought physical intimacy in the company of lustful strangers who were as broken as I was. Life no longer made any sense to me. I became grossly interested with how people ended their lives. The last thing I knew, I was contemplating the best way I could die.

I could still remember that night in the bathroom when I was lying prostrate, drained of hope. “I am not finished with you yet,” God softly whispered as I let go of the knife. He asked me to offer my wounds to Him and come to Him for healing.

Only after my anguished heart has called upon God did I fully understood how badly broken I was; how helpless I was to repair myself; how desperate I was for His love and mercy.

My friend, you might be in this same situation I was in two years ago or so. You might think you are broken beyond repair. You might think you are unloved. You might think you are alone. You might think that ending it all would set you free. Please let go of these thoughts for these are all lies.

Summon God now.

Let His wisdom surpass your human understanding. Let his power heal your wounds into scars. Let His love transform your brokenness into wholeness. Let His strength restore your shattered soul. Let His light take you out of the shadow of death.

14 Comments on When You Can No Longer Fix Yourself

I hope okay ka na kahit papano.
It’s just good to know that we’re not alone on this kind of struggle.Just don’t be too hard on yourself. I know how it feels.But guess what? Every day is a new chapter to create another page in our book of life.
Happy Sunday!

Wow! The guts! I wish I had at least half of what you’ve had to be able to put your thoughts into words and share your story for people to read and learn from. I honestly, have been through depression in the past, too, for my wrong choices but I’ve never really got the courage to share my story, to the world. Actually, it’s the same day, 5 years ago, when I made the worst decision any woman would ever make, and looking back, I’m happy I was able to surpass every struggle that went with it. Hope I’ll finally be able to write about it. Kudos and thank you for sharing!

Thanks for mentioning the related experience that you’ve gone through! Ah, that was five years ago. How time flies! In reading your posts, I notice what has become of you now – stronger and wiser. I’m in great anticipation of reading that story one day because, in the words of Maya Angelou, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

Kudos to your honesty and bravery in baring your soul in this post. Indeed our brokenness could bring blessings to others. Our scars could give them inspiration to never give up the fight because God is not yet done with us.

Amazing how God works in our lives. How He calls His sheep back when they’re lost.

Thank you Jayson for being such an inspiration and a symbol of hope especially for those who are in the verge of giving up. I hope you continue to heal in God’s grace.

Isn’t God just awesome that way, able to take us from brokenness to wholeness, and in the process, able to use even our broken pieces? Thank you for your earnestness and vulnerability as you share your life testimony.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” – 2 Corinthians 1:3‭-‬4 ESV

I felt the same way too, years ago. I was broke and resort to a lot of earthly things. But I came across to this verse, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matt. 11:28. Magulo ang pag-iisip at pagkatao ko nun, but indeed all I need is rest. I just entrusted everything to God, and fixed me. I’m glad you’re okay now. God bless you kapatid.

I keep telling that to myself everyday that I wake up. If we are still alive, we have a purpose waiting to be fulfilled. A purpose anchored to God’s plan that He slowly reveals as we continue to trust and keep our faith in Him.

You’re the 2nd blogger I came across here in WordPress who, almost did a suicide. No matter how “broken” you think you are because of lost battle for great love please be reminded that thousands of people are strugling to live this life a little more… God bless you! I love your posts! I have so little time to read all of em! Newbie in blogging btw!

Encouraging words like these are sometimes what people needed to hear to come back to life. Yes, it is a great reminder to keep. I would love to connect. This is our platform. Let’s spread the good news of salvation one blog at a time. Thanks for being around!