Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Half a Tank of Stupid

I’m that guy behind you on the road.Right behind you.You can’t even see my headlights.It’s 6:30 in the morning, and I’m pinned to your bumper.Oh, there’s nothing you can do about it since you too are stuck behind a car but I’m in a bigger hurry than all of you.What this.I’ll forcefully slide my car into the next lane and blow past everyone.I’m insanely great!Oh, crap, there’s a car in that lane too?Behind another car?Obviously nobody is going anywhere because it’s two rows of cars bumper to bumper for miles but I’m too ridiculously stupid to draw that conclusion.Everyone’s crawling along at about 30 mph but I’m shifting my car back and forth, causing people behind me to brake and let me in.I’m a fired-up ball of male testosterone.I am a animate mass of sexual and vehicular repression.

I didn’t want this Nissan Sentra.My last car was a Pontiac Firebird.It was, before I wrecked it.What the hell is going on here?I have to get to my job down at the factory.I’ve already been late three times this month, and the boss has been riding my ass about it.And, in turn, I ride your ass, and keep my license plate about twelve inches from your bumper.Yeah, I’m pissed at you.I know you can see me back here.It’s like I’m sitting in your backseat, breathing down your neck.Why can’t you just move your car over to the side of the road?

Why can’t driving be more like NASCAR?Why can’t we all just go 150 mph and let the best car win? Because I’d show all ya’ll what’s up, that’s why.There’s an opening!Watch me knife my car right into that spot, right where I was a minute ago. All I need is one car length.Yes, there.Oh, shit, I am good.Christ, I made such a sweet move to get into this lane and there’s a car right in front of me?Didn’t you people see that move?Can’t you give a brother a brake?Move over!

I just can’t plan more than one move ahead.I’ve got so much on my mind.My job, sucks.How’d you like to work down at the plant?Huh?You yuppies.And my girlfriend is thinking of leaving me.Whatever.I think if I keep darting my car from right lane to left, eventually I’ll be at the front of this herd.Maybe all of my problems will vanish like your cars in my rear-view mirror.You’re all followers.Feel my repressed rage.I’m the soul of a firebird, trapped in the body of a sedan.That’s all it is.

Hey, I’ve seen that black SUV before.It was in my rear-view mirror a few minutes ago.How did I get behind it?Damn!What is going on?How come the lane I’m in is always the slowest?It was moving two minutes ago and I wedge my car into it and now I’m sitting here watching cars in the other lane drive by.The right lane is flying past me.I’ve got to find a way to get back into it.

Wait, what’s that?A McDonalds?Oh, God, I could really go for a McGriddle.I didn’t even have breakfast.That damn alarm.What a piece of shit.I don’t even think it went off this morning.It’s a good thing I left the TV on last night, which woke me up.Who has time to even shower anymore when you have to face traffic like this every morning.I’ve got to get one of those McGriddle’s.My boss wont even notice I’m not there if I sneak in through the back door.The rest of the guys on my line will cover for me, wont they? Yeah, they will. I need that McGriddle…it’ll just take a minute.

Wow, what a great move to get back into the right lane, and just-in-time too, I almost missed the McDonalds.I basically just cut over two full lanes to exit, in full traffic!That takes some skill, boy.Why can’t people get paid by how great they drive?Who the hell are you honking at?Motherfucker. It's a good thing this isn't "Grand Theft Auto" or I'd pull you out of your car. Yeah, you. I'm trying to get some breakfast here. So I don't pass out at work. See?

Oh, I can smell that greasy breakfast food.I’ll just get it to go and….Jesus Christ this drive-through line is not moving.What are you doing up there?Order!Let’s go!Are you actually reading the menu?You don’t know what McDonalds has for breakfast?They need a special line for you people.All of you.Everyone.Well, nothing I can do now. I'm stuck. It looks like we're all stuck. I’ll just blast some Toby Keith out of my kick-ass great stereo system while we all sit and wait.Who doesn’t like Toby Keith?Yeah, that’s what I thought.