A funny-smelling salve to sooth the aches and pains brought on by today's news.

Monday, June 29, 2009

The Guggenheinie

Convicted swindler Bernard Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison for fraud. He’s already knocked it down to 50 by trading some of the years to other lifers in return for some investment tips.

Before being sentenced, Bernie Madoff apologized to his family and to his victims. Unfortunately, the judge didn’t hear the who apology because it was drowned out by the sound of every lie detector in the courthouse going off simultaneously.

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" took in $112 million in its opening weekend and $201.2 million since opening last Wednesday. Backers of the film were invited to a special showing which included outtakes of the robots transforming into cash registers and ATMs.

An artist in Wales received a $33,000 grant to create plaster casts of women's buttocks which will be shown in an exhibition about cultural attitudes towards female tushes. The museum hosting the buttocks exhibition is appropriately called the Guggenheinie.

While taping in Raleigh, North Carolina, appraisers for "Antiques Roadshow" valued a collection of jade pieces brought in by a woman at $1.07 million, the highest appraisal since the show began. That made up for the hundreds of other Raleigh residents waiting in line holding ashtrays, pipes and worthless sculptures made from tobacco.

A boxer-mix given the name Pabst by his owner because he had a “bitter beer face” won the title of 2009 World's Ugliest Dog Champion. Pabst is so ugly, he’s hired out as a natural flea killer because his face makes ticks commit suicide.

President Barack Obama and his family have decided to worship on Sundays at the non-denominational church at Camp David in order to avoid publicity. This was also President George W. Bush’s church, mostly because the first-row pew gave him better naps than any of the White House chairs.

The Argentine woman identified as the mistress of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford says published e-mails between the two were hacked from her account. Sanford In spite of being an Argentine citizen, the suspected hacker is getting offers to join the Democratic National Committee.

Disney World’s Magic Kingdom is about to unveil an animatronic Barack Obama for the Hall of Presidents. It’s so realistic, the actual power source for the animatronic Obama’s voice will come from an animatronic teleprompter.

The Treasury Department is considering closing loopholes that allowed General Electric to participate in a government bailout program for banks. The company was able to qualify as a bank by showing that all of the toasters banks give out to new customers were made by GE.

For the first time in history, a woman has received an official gondolier license allowing her to navigate a gondola on the canals of Venice. City officials were impressed by all of the time she spent learning how to grow a handlebar mustache.

Pope Benedict announced that bone fragments from the first or second century have been found in a tomb in the Basilica of St Paul in Rome, which he says belonged to the apostle. Proof came from a IOU found with the bones from someone who had robbed St. Peter to pay St. Paul.

Hackers broke into Britney Spears’ Twitpic account and broadcast false information about her. Followers of Britney got suspicious when her tweets suddenly started making sense.

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Welcome to Topical Rub!

Dr. Paul prescribes a daily dose of Topical Rub applied liberally or conservatively to where ever you hurt after the exertion of viewing the daily news, whether it be politics, sports, entertainment or just the unusual posing as reality. Topical Rub comes in two forms: short jokes for quick relief and selections from Paul's column "This Got Me Thinking" for long-lasting relief. Excerpts from Topical Rub are published by the New York Times Laugh Lines page, Huffington Post and other fine humor providers. For a custom batch of Topical Rub for your publication or web site, contact Paul at paulseaburn@earthlink.net or visit his web site www.humorhandyman.com.

About Me

Paul Seaburn is the head writer for 12th Street Jump, a jazz/blues/comedy show on KCUR in Kansas City and kcur.org. He was the head writer for "Taylor's Attic," an Emmy Award-winning family sitcom filled with zany puppets and original music for kids of all ages. DVDs are available on Amazon or at www.taylorsattic.com.
Paul is the former editor and writer for CapitalistBanter.com and contributor to nytimes.com and HuffingtonPost.com. He's written for Jay Leno, Dennis Miller, Bill Maher, many other comedians and speakers, "The Tonight Show," "Comic Stip Live," "Caroline's Comedy Hour" and numerous magazines and websites.