At some point, everyone gets lied about and those lies whether they came from people you hardly knew or someone you are somewhat close with, it tends to strike a nerve. A huge pet peeve of mine, is making things up about someone and then adding more fuel to the fire by acting like you know what you’re saying, is the truth. I’ve had this happen a few times and more recently, I had to go through this because I chose to tell my side. This person claimed she knew what was going on with my situation and only looked at one side of the situation (as usual, even though she’s seen the truth, many times) she still chose to make things up about me and act like she’s this know it all (as usual) and has all the answers. I always confided in this person with certain situations because I believed she could help. She never did. My main issue with her, which this has always been my issue is, she doesn’t know how to help people in a healthy way. I would explain to her that, you need to stop helping this other person by just throwing money at them every time they’re in trouble. If someone repeatedly makes mistakes and you bail them out every time, how are they ever going to learn? You have to give them a chance to seek help in other ways and figure out a different solution because there is always another way to go about things. I certainly don’t appreciate help that won’t benefit me in any way nor will I seek it, because I like to figure things out on my own. I really won’t seek it if I know for a fact, everything will be okay. I believe help is okay, to a certain extent.. Know your limits. I gave in to her crap talk towards me to stand up for myself and to really put her in her place, like I’ve tried for years, but she just blamed me for something she knew nothing about. I ended up being the bigger person because that’s my choice when all is said and done. A few days later, I woke up feeling complete peace. Which sounds odd, but I guess it finally hit me that, no matter what lies people say or how much they think they know you, just by certain situations that happen, it truly doesn’t matter. I used to care a lot and I would be the one to always go back and fix it, even if it wasn’t my fault, but I’ve learned to stick to my truth and let these people that don’t matter one bit, say their piece and move on. It doesn’t matter what you do or how you do it, you’re still going to get judged, even by people that know they should have nothing but empathy because they’ve gone through the same thing or something similar. Nothing is easy and not everyone will understand the choices you make because they’re not in your shoes.. Again, it doesn’t matter. I used to think it did matter. By me constantly trying to get this person to just cut the cord with this other person and try to teach them to stop helping in an unhealthy way or trying to get them to understand, it taught me to let go. I never thought I could learn anything from this person, but seeing how much in denial they are about their own choices with how they go about things, made me feel more at peace with my decision to have little to do with them ever again, no matter what happens. I wish I never told this person anything because they used it against me and twisted it, but at the end of the day, I know me, I know how amazing I am and nobody can take that away, especially with their big little lies. Life is good and it’s even better when you remove certain people and realize all is well no matter where life takes you.

Wake up happy, have self love and remind yourself that you’re worth so much more than people’s bullsh*t. 🙂

Scared and tortured by my own thoughts, how easy it would be to end such a tragically beautiful life, surrounded by beauty, yet nothing is what it seems, lost and alone waiting on a thread of hope, a savior to guide me to a better place, one without flames and filled with hate, my body aches, I lie awake, many sleepless nights, tossing and turning, afraid of the dark, my nightmares they haunt me, don’t wanna close my eyes, frightened by what I’ll see, what I’ll remember from my dreams, my past creeps up on me, latches on like a leech, sucking the life out of me, I can’t breathe, all I want is to be free, all I’ve ever wanted is to be happy, you pay a price for happiness, that shit isn’t always free, the simple things fulfill me, my baby gives me purpose, if it wasn’t for her, I don’t know where I’d be, I lost my boy, my soul mate, my rock, that tore me apart, I think it broke me and ripped out my heart, drowning in my tears, soaked in sadness with an anchor on my chest, pressure on my shoulders as I try to move forward, feels like something is holding me back, fuck, let me relax, give me a sign, some sort of change, this fighting and dark space is driving me insane, losing myself day by day, feels like I’m fading away, too many thoughts in a day, wanting to make a difference, standing up for whats right, doesn’t matter though, those corporate snakes and backstabbing puppets won the battle, all I can do is sit back and watch it crumble, I’ve seen too much evil and soulless people to believe that good triumphs over evil. The End.

I’m not one to post about food, but I’m definitely going to start. When you think about all the junk you put into your body because it’s quick and easy to get to unhealthy food first, think about how much better you’ll feel, after only taking 15 to 20 minutes of your time cooking healthy! I have a few health problems so I’m learning to take care of myself and what I should be consuming. So simple and your body will thank you. Here’s how I made, hard boiled eggs with yummy spinach.

Step 1 – I like to cook 6 or more eggs, so I fill up the sauce pan with water, making sure the eggs are at least covered half way.

Step 2- Bring the water to a full boil and I would add a teaspoon of salt just so it prevents cracking. Worked for me and then let it simmer for about 15 minutes. Really depends, could be less time, but I went with my gut and did 15, which worked out perfectly.

Step 3- After the 15 minutes is up, I put the eggs in my strainer and rinsed them with cold water for about 3 minutes. It’s okay to let the water run on the eggs ( helps with the peeling.)

Step 4- Give a little crack and start peeling.

Step 5- Put in the fridge and move on to the spinach.

Step 6- In a skillet, pour oil( whichever oil you think is a better choice for you) and let it get hot, toss in the spinach and stir it around until it’s covered with oil. Let it sit for about 4 minutes and then add in whatever spice you want. I put in cayenne pepper as well as a little bit of black pepper and then I stir it up. I then let it sit for another minute.

Step 7- I put the spinach on the plate first and the hard boiled eggs on top, I add some more black pepper ( not a lot) and a sprinkle of salt to the eggs and it’s all done.

Step 8- Enjoy a healthy meal.

Hope this easy recipe was helpful and it’s very cheap to make. Don’t be discouraged, because I know healthy food always costs a lot, but search around at a cheap store near you.

For being only 25 years young, I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs, going down paths that I never thought I would go down or encounter. There really is something to be amazed by every single day, you just have to block out the negative nancy’s/ debbie downers in the world and smile. I’ve had plenty of people not be there for me and would say, ”I just want the best for you, that’s why I’m treating you bad…” I never understood that, which is why I would cut those people off, but if it wasn’t for me handling things on my own, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Believe me, I still have my bad days and my brain tries to convince me to stay negative, but learning to control those thoughts and letting positive thoughts roam free, makes all the difference and a hell of a lot easier to stay on the good path. I can’t stand when people say, ” everything isn’t all rainbows and sunshine,” well, obviously each day will not be wonderfully blissful and full of sunshine, but you do have that option to choose dark or light and it’s a lot of work, but light can always win. Everything in life takes effort, therefore, control over your emotions should be a main priority. Everyone shows their emotions in a different way, but one thing everybody can show the same is, compassion, kindness & support. I never understood why those three things were so incredibly hard for people to show, but as I get older, I’ve come to the conclusion that it starts with me and if I continue to be the bigger person & remain calm & remind myself that my well being as well as my happiness are so important, that I can’t risk being upset or down, over silly negativity or people who don’t understand how to treat others the correct way, no matter who you are. We are all EQUAL. My advice would be, to practice being kind, compassionate & and always help one another. Sometimes, listening is all it takes for you to make someone feel heard and cared for.. Even if people repeat themselves, they need help so be there. Simple steps like this, will make this world a better place.

Being let go after being on administrative leave due to management being investigated for treating employees bad and lying/ being shady, you would think I would feel bad or feel bitter, but I can honestly say, that I feel good and they did me a favor because I was going to leave, not this soon, but little did they know, that I was planning my own prison break and applying for new jobs constantly. Even had offers, yet I still worked my butt off for these ungrateful users. Word to the wise, don’t work for a prison where managers and the people above them, hide stuff and make things up about you to cover their own butts. They think they’re UNTOUCHABLE, but karma will sneak up, even though the cameras should have been proof in itself. If corporate would have investigated, like actually go and investigate, look at the cameras everything I’m telling you is right there, but I guess doing the bare minimum, if that, is what this state is all about or rather this company. It’s considered okay, for a supervisor to scold/be completely rude to an employee in the middle of a records review with an inmate for something that wasn’t even that employees fault to begin with, and then the person above this supervisor made an excuse for this person by saying, ” she’s frustrated, you’re just sensitive.” Girl, I thought management was supposed to be super professional at a prison, but not here honey, oh no, this place allows girls (well, one girl) with hickeys, walk around inmates saying, ”bitch, hoe,” flirting with the inmates, constantly late and accidentally, ends up knowing things only the regional manger would know about, which is odd, this girl gets away with it all. They always say that you’ll never know if someone gets disciplined, but this girl has nine lives or something.. This place lost 10 or more employees since I started working there and management has done what they did to me, to 3 other people prior to me being terminated. I stick up for myself though so they did not like that one bit, therefore I was considered a problem and asking my HSA not to speak to me in a rude way, was just me being a complainer as they say, so I had to go. I kept thinking, maybe if I didn’t work 11 hours a day and run around helping everyone all day and just sat down, talking on the phone all day, cheat on my significant other (like almost of them do there) walk back and forth just for the hell of it, constantly mess up provider lines, talk smack to anyone that would listen, spend my time adding everyone on Facebook like my HSA did rather than work, show off my boobs and stomach like two employees did, walk around with a stick up my ass, talk down to people, make them feel stupid for not being trained correctly, make people fend for themselves, take paperwork out of people’s offices and hide it, I guess I would still have a job. My coworker would call our supervisor all the time just to tell on people and would lie to get her way, which she did, no matter what evidence you had. She would give so much attitude to people and my supervisor/ management watched it happen and just went with it. Let’s just say, if I have to hear from inmates that management sucks and from the employees as well, it must suck. I could go on and on about this shithole, but I’ll finish with this instead.. If a place lies about you and your work ethic, you give your all and then some, you put up with constant bullshit from employees/ management ( the inmates were easier to deal with) don’t let them win by not putting up a fight and standing up for yourself. Yeah, there’s the whole, you need money to live and why jeopardize that, but if you let people stomp on you and get away with it time after time, you’re the one that gets hurt in the end, not them. people with a higher title, are no different than someone with a lower paying job. Everyone deserves respect and only by doing that, will you create a positive working environment. Management doesn’t like hearing that either, so be aware of that. know your worth and know there are plenty more opportunities out there with people who actually know how to run a successful place of employment. Like I told these sleazy people, ”you may allow management to disrespect you, but management will respect me.” End of story.

Just like Myspace, Facebook used to be cool in my eyes and I was all about that ”new selfie life” and I have to give an update as if people really cared.. As of recent, I started noticing, even if I post something super meaningful, the people who I would think should be liking it, aren’t, but they’ll like beyond meaningless posts that get attention because they’re more relatable.. The only reason that got to me, was because in real life, they try to act one way, but if they really cared, they would be supportive on every outlet. Everyone has a Facebook and if you don’t, you will, or the next ”best” thing. Old memories will pop up and I’ll either be like, wtf was I thinking, laugh or smile. Guess Facebook wasn’t a total waste of time. Most of the people I see on there, either take selfie after selfie and don’t share what’s really going on, which isn’t for everybody, but why have a Facebook then? So people can just stalk other people, who may or may not be telling what’s really going on.. I’m always real no matter what, so I can’t relate to the people who only post happy stuff or joke around 24/7 cause we all know, that’s not you everyday.. Why not share sad days/bad days/maybe need a hug days… Social media already isn’t a reliable source for the truth seekers so I hope a change happens within people sooner than later. Share more, try to be open.. That’s just how I see it. I wish what I know now, I knew back then because it would have helped me avoid situations I wish never happened. I’m definitely more wise so you could say that I’m thankful. I remember getting told, that because I wasn’t posting pictures of myself, that I was changing and not in a good way… That remark didn’t make sense to me, but all it did was show me that I was growing and changing for the better and that person really didn’t know me like I thought they did so win/win for me. I also got hated on for posting certain things and being myself which I told that person to start living their life and quite being worried about mine because I’m doing me and opinions mean nothing. Most of the time, the poeple making the absurd comments, don’t have a life they are proud of so they try and bring down those who are out there and actually live. ”I’m only human, don’t put your blame on me.” I still share even if a few people notice because there are those people who really do care and that’s what matters. Likes, comments, ect, those things don’t matter as long as you stay true to yourself and keep those around who deserve to be around.

P.s.- I got rid of a lot of people and I can honestly say, that felt good. Stalkers who only stalk, aren’t real friends.

Picking up and leaving comes with a lot of uncertainty, but the issues back home, don’t matter as much anymore. That’s a ”blessing.” For me, it made me realize that, my issues with my sister who tried to discredit my rape experience and tried making me live a life she wanted me to live all while I kept her secrets and was there as much as I could be, hurts less and less, especially being away from her. As odd as it sounds, it’s almost like I never even knew her.. Guess you could say, that’s sad, but enough is enough. I didn’t have to scream or say no because that’s scary shit, future advice sis, look up rape and read all about it before you say what I went through wasn’t that. Again though, being away from people like that makes life feel good again.. Other family issues are there and all other bullshit still lingers, but a little less each day. In the 25 years I’ve been living, I finally feel like I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Not saying it’s not hard, but I’ve always been a pusher and determined to make anything happen, so for me, I know everything is going to be okay. Back home, it felt like weight kept being put on me and nothing got better no matter what I did.. After losing my Elvis, I knew something drastic had to happen. Seemed like everyone else kept living and I wanted to be able to feel what (just living) felt like without the constant stress and memories I no longer wanted to remember. The really hurtful memories are tougher to shake off, but it does get easier to talk about and feel very little for that memory or person. I’ve done what a lot of people I know wanted to do and that makes me feel good. This blog is mainly for me to look back on, but if my words can help someone else, I’m glad I decided to share my life. Not a quiet person, I speak up and I have no problem sharing or talking about anything with whomever as long as you’re genuine and nice. #beniceorgetout

Something that I’ve always had to deal with, is people who think they know what the best thing to do is when it comes to my life… As a person who let’s people be, unless I see they are going to harm themselves or come to me for advice, I can’t understand the need for people to feel that entitled. People make choices and either grow from those choices or stay stuck. Being stuck doesn’t mean that’s the wrong choice, you still grow, but that added stress is going to be there. The people who make you feel like crap for the choices you make, are the people I’m mainly talking about. The people who say things out of love, over and over again, definitely have the right to do so, but need to understand that actions speak louder than words therefore, if they really want you to make a different choice, they should be more hands on otherwise, stop saying something. When someone is ready for a change, that change will happen. Even saying something out of love and voicing an opinion that they think is right, isn’t always right. Might be right for them, but not necessarily for you or me. As people, we know what we want to do and although we can get lost in those choices, no one should be put down. You help people, especially if they ask for help… Even if they ask many times for help, you don’t give up on them. Giving support doesn’t have to be just opinions or making someone feel like your way is right, it’s sending a smiley face or saying, ”I love you,” simply saying, ”I’m here if you need anything…” People tend to do what they want despite opinions anyways, so maybe people should try a different approach, rather than the approach they want that person to take. I used to tell someone my opinion on a choice they kept making and I tried helping because I cared, but I realized all I had to do was drop it and just accept their choice, support them by asking how things are and saying, ”I’m here for you no matter what.” Worked for me and it worked for them. If you’re not in that persons shoes, you have no clue what’s best for them, unless they can’t think for themselves nor do you know what they do to make things work. I wish people understood that, but I choose not to stress over what people think and just do me, because only I know what will make me happy and I strive to make my happiness my number one priority. I’m going to get to where I want to be because I made it happen, not because I was told how to get there.

Today I lost my best friend, my sweet boy, bubba, angel, babylove.. He had many nicknames. Writing this isn’t easy, but my babe meant the world to me and I know he’s touched a lot of other people’s hearts so he would want you to know that he’s in a better place and not suffering. I was one lucky mama and my Elvis was one amazing kid. He was always by my side and when I was gone, he was by his dads side, waiting for me to come home so he could give me kisses and follow me around. I’ll forever miss him coming and kissing my legs while I’m doing the dishes and looking in the tub to make sure I was ok if I had my head in the water when I took a bath.. Telling him ”night,night” which made him fall asleep or his dad singing ” Elvi is a dinosaur,” which also made him fall asleep.. Playing hide and seek with him and his sister.. He would look all over for me until I was found.. Whenever I would cry, he was right there to lick my tears and would even start to have watery eyes which just showed how special my boy really was. I never treated my babies like they were just animals.. I treat them like they are kids I gave birth to. The bond him and I had is something I’ll treasure for the rest of my life. I’ve dreaded this day since day 1 and now that it’s here, I don’t know what to do with myself. Never imagined life without him. He was my rock, a major part of why I kept going..Wouldn’t of been able to get through everything I did, if it wasn’t for him. He could always make me smile, no matter how bad things were. We always wanted to be together and I wouldn’t of had it any other way. He helped keep me company when I did laundry, watched me while I cooked and always made sure he knew where I was. Putting him down today, broke my heart… Holding him like the baby he was and kissing him until he was completely gone, while his dad rubbed his head, made me so thankful that I had the privilege to parent him and that he got to pass the way I’m sure he would have wanted to. There is so much I could say about this sweet boy of mine, but with my heavy heart, I know he is free and will always be with me..(I told him he better be) cause mama needs her boy. Thank you to my parents for being there for him today.. He loved you both. Thank you babe, for being his daddy and adding to his happiness.. He really loved you, especially when you sang to him. Taylor (his sister) can’t clean his ears anymore, but the love we have for her, will hopefully help with her grieving. Rest in peace my Elvis Lee. Mama, dada and sister will love you forever and always. See you later my happy baby. ❤