Young sister exposed to brother's porn habit

Dear Straight Talk: I'm 15. I share a room with my 17-year-old brother because our mom can only afford two bedrooms. We have a computer in our room and I've noticed him looking at pornographic sites when he doesn't realize I'm paying attention. He has never tried anything sexual with me and I don't think he would, but it makes me nervous sharing a room when he's looking at stuff like this. I've stopped undressing in front of him and now change in the bathroom. I don't want to get him in trouble by telling our mom. What can I do? — Nervous Sister, Toledo, Ohio

Omari 17, Wellington, Florida: The easiest solution is to tell your brother you see him watching pornography. Hopefully he will be embarrassed and cease when you are around — or, better, stop altogether. Another way to get results is to threaten to tell your mom. I'm not saying blackmail him, but with a threat looming, he will definitely never let you see him watching porn again. The important thing is that you both show respect for each other. Communication is key.

Nate 17, Toledo, Ohio: I attend an all-boys high school where girls and porn are common topics. But a young man should have boundaries — especially in a situation like this. If he doesn't control the temptation, tell your mother. Hopefully, she can convince him to stop.

Justin 22, Redding Why go to your mom without talking to him first? Yes, looking at porn is quite normal today, but it is not OK to make others uncomfortable, especially — yikes — a little sister.

Hannah 17, Safford, Ariz. Pornography is destructive. It can become addictive with negative side effects. Tell your mother secretly. It's in his best interest.

Chuck 16, Toledo, Ohio: I am anti-porn and don't watch it. However, watching porn is definitely the norm for boys at my school so I'm not surprised by your problem. What I think is happening is that porn has become so common and is so instantly gratifying, with nobody setting limits on it, that when a lot of guys are unable to break the habit, they tend to accept it as a new norm in their life and a trend is born. It's a very difficult habit to break.

Dear Nervous Sister: I agree with the panelists. Talk to your brother. If he keeps looking at clips when you're there, spill the beans. In the meantime, address the core problem like this: Without implicating your brother, drop articles about pornography on the kitchen table "for a paper you might write." This will get a conversation going — one every household should be having. The average age of first Internet exposure to pornography is 11. By 15, multiple hardcore exposures are (as Chuck confirms) "the norm." Watching today's gonzo porn is not like keeping a "Penthouse" under the bed in 1970. Much of popular pornography is stunningly unnatural and/or violent. Also, video has a deeper neurological effect than print — and, like playing with matches, it especially burns into the pre-pubescent mind.

Sex is natural. Male attraction to visual cues is natural. Video pornography is not. I believe that centuries of sexual repression is fueling pornography's popularity. But honest intimate relationships will liberate sexuality, not watching porn stars. Consuming pornography is like trying to nourish oneself with junk food. Parents need to explain this to their children and establish rules.

For more discussion, to ask a question, or inquire about being a youth panelist, visit www.straighttalkTNT.com or write POB 963 Fair Oaks, CA 95628.

More from Lauren Forcella: Like smoking cigarettes was considered safe and normal in its heyday, pornography is now having its heyday and many people, young and old, male and female, are hotly defending it as "normal."

I consider consensual, age-appropriate sex to be normal and healthy and one of the great pleasures of being human. I'm all for ending sexual repression. However, I don't believe that pornography is the solution. In fact, I believe it is taking us into its own repression, just as dark and strange as anywhere we've already been.

We teach our kids to say 'no' to cigarettes, why not pornography? Is everyone afraid of looking like a prude? Are parents too embarrassed? Not sure what the problem is, but people are increasingly pro porn. It was the same with cigarettes in their day and it took decades before the tide turned. When it did turn it was due to campaigns by smoke-free celebrities and cultural heroes. The same campaign needs to begin with porn. Where are the sexually liberated men and women with social capital who will stand up for living and loving porn-free? May you please step forward!

Like cigarettes, porn is everywhere available 24/7. Because it is impossible (not to mention unhealthy to monitor children 24/7), they need to be influenced to decide personally not to consume pornography. Parents can act right now by talking to their young children like they talk to them about cigarettes (many kids have awareness of pornography as early as age five). Every parent wants their child to grow up having successful intimate sexual relationships, nobody want to raise a pornography addict or a sex addict. It's time for parents to get over their inhibitions (or guilt for being a "smoker") and have these conversations, set expectations, and monitor the sites their kids are visiting on their computers and smart phones. —Lauren