Sleep is a huge part of all of us and for me I have always went to bed late but hated waking in the morning. I always wished my children would have a sleep pattern like their dad, he can sleep any time , anywhere .

Since I had my 1st born son 4 years ago his sleep pattern has never been great.At first he was like any other baby, he slept for four hours ,woke for a feed and a gurgle for an hour then slept another four hours till the next feed.

There was a one thing I had noticed from the start though and that was he would not sleep anywhere but our bed. Although it used to be advised not to sleep with baby, my son would not sleep anywhere else .We had him in the moses basket, bouncer chair, rocking lullaby swing chair and yes we even carried the whole pram up each night to see if that would help but no matter where he was placed he would not settle.

When the time came to put him in a cot we thought if we placed it to the side of the bed it would help and then we slowely began to move it away from our bed as the nights went by.My son would scream and scream and so we tried placing our clothes we had worn that day inside his cot as a comfort with our scent on thinking that may help and it worked for a short time till he twigged it was not actually us and was a piece of clothing.

I have never had sleeping problems with any of my other children nor my step children.My girls in fact basically slept for a full 12 hours on a night even as babies and were always in a fantastic routine. This time however I think I may have either spoilt my son or have less patience to argue. I am not sure if my son has my genes and just likes to stay up till really late or is it really my fault?Maybe I was just cursed with a none sleeping baby to get me back after being so smug at how great my girls slept as my friends struggled with their children as I am now.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact there are more of them now and I just let him sit with us till he falls asleep, after all it does seem the easier option.

The thing is when he was born , my husband used to sit with him on his knee whilst he played on the computer games and my son would fall asleep, but this was late at night. He rarely ever had naps and so when he started school for half days I thought it would tire him out , but it has not .I used to take him to bed at 7pm and lie there till 11pm with his crawling all over me giggling and wanting to play. I was knackered so I have no idea where he had all the energy from. He was sleeping only 6 hours like me at max sometimes but it never showed.

It does not seem to be the only problem though. My 4 year old is still in my bed with me and my husband and as you can imagine although we love our special hugs from him still as he falls asleep , it is starting to become a routine that he will not get out of or we feel it to be that way.

We decorated his bedroom last year in aid of getting him to sleep in his own room. He chose the wallpaper and colours and bedding but it had no effect. He said he did not like it in his room .After only 3 months of the bedrooms been decorated nothing was helping and so we decided to try and swap our bedrooms around. We moved the boys into a much bigger room where they could have more space and feel more comfortable and we placed our bed into the tiny box room which was once theres just to see if it would help.Still another 3 months later , my son is sleeping in our room and although we have nights where he will fall asleep at 7pm on the sofa, we can carry him to his own bed but then find him crawling in with us at 10pm onwards.

Each night we leave the bathroom light on , which is outside his bedroom in case he feels scared and needs the toilet , thinking this will help also with any fears he may have but not helped, so then after trying to turn it off in case it was giving the opposite effect and keeping him up we found it made no difference at all.

I have tried the hot bath, warm drink and lying on a bed with him till he sleeps but it simply does not work.I have never been one for going to bed early and find myself up till very late usually around 12am to 2am sometimes and I honestly think this child has been given my sleep pattern.

My son has slept at family members and went to sleep straight away so my conclusion is there are way too many children in the house for him to want to go to sleep, especially sharing a bedroom with 3 brothers sometimes 4. It has to be either that or me and my husband are being to soft and allowing him to sit with us till all hours and waiting for him to fall asleep.With having so many already it is hard to even have the energy to argue most nights and I honestly have tried letting him cry his eyes out till but he never gives in before we do and it can take hours.

My son can be up till 11pm at night and wake up before any of us totally refreshed but I just wish he would fall asleep earlier like the other children . Having 6 living under our roof already it is hard to get time with my husband already and having a 4 year old who will not go to bed can be a pain .

I know all children have their own times and ways of getting into their own routines for bedtime but it seems I have been truly tested with my son or maybe he was sent to me to teach me a lesson as I was exactly the same haha.

As we keep trying new ways to get him to at least fall asleep at a normal reasonable time , we are currently looking for a bigger home . I am hoping this will help as he will have less people sharing his room to make more noise and wake him but for now we struggle on , hoping one day soon he will just wake up and decide to do it himself.Maybe when he starts full time school in the coming September, who knows, can only hope .

Have you had a problem with sleeping with your little ones or even have any tips as to new things I could try to help him . I would appreciate your help?

It's good that he seems refreshed in the mornings, but must be so frustrating for you and your other half! I don't have children, but have friends who do - and most of them seem to go for the "be cruel to be kind" option when their kids have poor sleeping patterns/refuse to sleep in the right place. Half-tempted to suggest some kind of reward system, like a star chart with a star for every night spent in his own bed, and a reward when he reaches a certain number of stars?

i dont have experience at all in this field, its something form our nearest future, i did once tried to settle my 2 year old twin nephews, bottle of milk helped, well i also thought that toy or cot mobile will help as well but it only made them more playful

Oh My!! I feel sorry for you. I also feel if he goes to other homes and sleeps alone, or in a cot beside others, maybe he just knows he will get his own way at your house.

Reply

Agata Pokutycka

20/3/2014 09:48:44 am

I had this problem with few kids over the years. In the end we used a music therapy - ocean sounds and essential oils... but I think my kids were just very unsettled hence the sleeping problems.
I hope you will find a solution.

As a mom of 4 very active kids myself, I know the bedtime pains. But we made a commitment very early on to keep our bed "sacred". Our kids have never been allowed to sleep in it, and that has saved our sanity. I feel very sad for you that you're in this situation. I don't know if you feel comfortable letting him cry a little, but it doesn't hurt. All 4 of our kids cried as babies when they couldn't have their own way, and they're all well-adjusted, loving kids now. I urge you, as early as possible, to teach your son that he is a welcome part of your family, but not the centre. Shuffling around furniture to accommodate his wants seems extreme. (Because life won't accommodate him. Just saying.)

I struggled for 7 years to get the twins to sleep through and settle relatively well - and a year in to the better routine it's still a pain settling them. For years I told myself it was understandable that they didn't want to lie down - they both have pretty severe reflux and one has had surgery for it, so there are genuine reasons. But then we looked at the problem a different way. You CAN'T fix the sleep necessarily, but you CAN fix the routine/location. And you do have to be really firm and it's really tough- you may well have three nights of trauma until you are fit to drop. But you do have the additional problem of him having to share etc which complicates things. I think I would just tell him no he's a big boy things are going to change, you love him very much but he's too big for your bed. And stick to it - I'm not for ONE minute saying that's easy though!!

My first slept with me until he was 3 and it was so hard and exhausting getting him to sleep in his bed. It took a lot of determination. We are trying not to get into the habit with the boy twin who is very clingy to me. Hope you get sorted soon x

Our little boy was around 4 before he would sleep in his own bed all night without coming into us. He just seemed to grow out of it. We not have a 1 year old daughter that sleeps in bed with us, for ease more than anything as I need my sleep too! I really hope you manage to get his sleep issues sorted soon.

This must be so frustrating and tiring going on so long! I have had sleep problems on and off with mine, one is on melatonin to help him sleep and it works perfectly! But that is due to his asd.
I do think that once they know they will be allowed to come downstairs and fall asleep downstairs, if you want to change things then you need to be really firm for a while and stick with it to see it through - otherwise nothing will change. Hard when you are tired though

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you all! Our son never slept well... woke every hour without fail until about 3 months of age and even at 2.5 he still only has about 9 hours a night and often wakes up needing us to go and settle him again.

He slept in our bed until he was about 20 months and then we just had to put him in his own room because it was getting too much for us all (he was a real wriggler and we never got any sleep). He settled relatively quickly in there but only if we stayed with him while he fell asleep and got up to settle him in the night if he woke up.

At 2 he started settling himself but has recently started wanting us to stay with him again and we think he is starting to sleep walk too. I did this as a child as well, so who knows what causes some children to have funny sleep patterns? I think it can be one of many things and sometimes not even fully understand to even themselves.

I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions and I really hope you find something that helps you all settle better soon!

I have a terrible sleeper with my 4 year old. He sleeps in with me and OH sleeps in another room! Tonight for instance, he finally got to sleep at 11! I live in hope of easier times. :( I'll be checking back to see what advice people have offered you. x

We had problems with Isaac wanting to sleep in our bed and I ended up getting help from www.childcareisfun.co.uk - if you send an email to Fi she will send you a bespoke plan to help settle him in his own bed. It took three days with Isaac but you have to be consistent and strong......the first night is the worse.....Good luck xx

I feel really sorry for you in this but I do think it's very common so please don't feel like you're the only one. I have a friend whose daughter crept into her bed every single night and one day she just decided that she was old enough not to - ok she was 10 years old but they do get there eventually! Must be tough on you though :(

I used to have issues getting my son to sleep and used to sit next to him with a meditation video of some waves on youtube. Now he is good at going to sleep but is always awake at 6am and always knackered, not fun either :(

Aww bless he is still very young... our boys love coming to snuggle with us and my eldest is about to turn 5. I know a lot of cosleeping families and most of them have said their children stopped wanting to sleep with the parents about 7 or 8 so I think that's when we will start to try and get the boys in their own routine etc. For now I'm enjoying the love as I know how much I'll miss it when they're older!

I completely sympathise with you. My only advice would be trust your instincts. My daughter sleeps with us and she's 2. She is better now at knowing when bedtime is, but we have to stay with her. The only other thing I would say is whatever steps you choose to take, be consistent, that was the key for us, but any routine can take a while to establish

It is a really hard issue to tackle and it will be a very hard habit to break as I am sure that he will always prefer to be with you. Whichever route or method you try, trust yourself and then stick with your decision.Good luck

Reply

Angela

24/4/2014 08:51:04 am

My first born, a boy, didn't sleep for more than one hour at a time until he was 10 months old, and only if one of us rocked/almost shook him to sleep, it was a nightmare. But your issue is very different because your son is at an age when he can have things explained to him and be reasoned with, and although some parents seem to get results with the "you're a big boy" conversation or a reward system, the only "cure" I know of that always works for older children is, make being awake boring, sounds easy - but you will be bored too and you just can not give in once you start it.

You choose a night to begin, perhaps getting him in his own bed but still in your room would be a compromise you can live with at first? Anyway, once it's bedtime, 7, 8 whatever you think it should be, you take him to bed, after turning off all music, TV, computer etc, and turning off the living room light, you can leave a reading lamp on though, it's bedtime so nothing else should be happening (told you you will be bored too) You put him in bed, tell him a story or do whatever your ritual for bedtime is, you insist he stays in his own bed or there will be repercussions the next day, no TV, playtime or whatever. You sit on your bed or in a chair in your bedroom, turn the light out and just sit there doing and saying nothing. If he keeps getting up you make him get back in bed with the consequences/punishment increasing each time he gets up (it's so heartbreaking I know but worth it in the end)

If he just will not stay in bed and wants to go downstairs, let him, but no tv, books, computer or anything on, he has to have no rewards for getting out of bed, and watching TV etc is rewarding bad behaviour. You get where this is going lol? He has no stimulation, no rewards for not sleeping, nothing but sat or lay there, no conversation, snacks etc, even If thirsty he can only have a glass of water, but nothing else, or that is again a reward for bad behaviour.
You can have a lamp on in the living room for you to read by, but not a book he would be interested in, you don't want him to think your attention is on him, it is on your book. If he wants to sit or lie on you, you have to refuse and tell him he can lie or sit on the sofa or chair but not on you, a cuddle from mum or dad is again rewarding bad behaviour.

Basically you have to stop rewarding the behaviour you want to stop. Letting him lie on one of you till he sleeps is a reward to him, so staying up is a rewarding experience for him and that is what has to stop. Staying up has to become completely unrewarding and boring. I must have known at least half a dozen mums over the years who have used this technique on kids form ages 3 or so right up to about 10 and never heard of anyone having to do it for more than a week, 7 nights :( except one who took almost two weeks with a 10 year old who tried to out will her, the way they do lol

It is so hard to do and if you decide to try it you have to stick to it no matter how you feel, bored, fed up etc because if you stop and give in it means he is being rewarded again and will carry on.

It is such a difficult thing to do for you and your husband as well as your son, and you have to weigh up whether the difficulty of that week or so is worth it to have your son in his own bed.

He obviously does not have a serious sleep problem as he sleeps at relatives houses, he just does it at home as he is receiving all manner of rewards for staying up late, from cuddles, playing, being involved in special adult time etc You just have to make staying up absolutely crap for him lol

Sorry for such a long reply but I always tell mum's with this problem about this way of sorting it out as I have seen the total bliss of the mum's once their kiddies start sleeping alone.