“I’ve had to rely upon other strengths, namely my unusual psychic powers.”

I have been into sports since I was a kid, and because I lacked the ability of a star player, I’ve had to rely upon other strengths, namely my unusual psychic powers.

When I entered high school, I realized I’d never make the varsity. I decided to retire my cleats and go over to the management side. To my pleasant surprise, I discovered I liked coaching, and better yet, I was good at it.

At first, I assisted the manager. I was the water boy, then the first base coach, then I’d sit next to the manager in the dugout and learn from him. But where I really stood out was my ability to project the future. I had an uncanny ability to know the exact pitch a base runner would choose to steal, or when a pitcher was going to throw a fastball or curve, or what the opposing manager planned to do.

When I went to college I decided to apply my psychic abilities in other areas as my interest in sports began to fade somewhat. I realized I was amazing at picking stocks, and even at the racetrack I always came out ahead.

I’m married now, and my wife is used to my “gift.” She accuses me of reading her mind and taking advantage of her. And I plead guilty to that. But she’s a doll and she brags about me to her friends. I’m a lucky guy.