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Friday, 12 December 2008

It's my perogative

"A Prerogative is an exclusive legal right given from a government or state and invested in an individual or group, the content of which is separate from the body of rights enjoyed under the general law of the normative state. It was a common facet of Feudal law.In modern pop culture usage, the word prerogative has come to mean the egalitariancondition of the right for anyone's own self-determination,e.g. that it is "one's prerogative" to do as they please. "

Is it me or is it you? Things have changed and I am not sure if it is my view of the world or if others around me have changed. I think I have to take credit for some of it. My whole life has done a 360 in the last year, maybe even two years. We have been in a constant state of change.....or is that just life? I just don't find myself connecting with the same people so I checked my weekly Rob Brezney horoscope (something everyone should do)

Virgo

After meditating on how best to energize your love life, I decided to directyou to this passage from John Welwood's book Perfect Love, ImperfectRelationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart: "Everyone knows perfect lovein their heart, for the human heart is a direct channel through whichabsolute love pours into this world. At the same time, human relationshipsare imperfect expressions of that love. This creates a painful gap betweenthe perfect love we know in our hearts and the imperfect, incomplete ways itis expressed in our relationships. When we imagine that relative human loveshould be something it is not -- absolutely unconditional -- we sufferdisappointment and wind up distrusting love itself. We also hold grievancesagainst others for not loving us rightly or against ourselves for not havingwon that love. This gives rise to a universal human wound -- the sense ofnot feeling loved for who we are."

Good one but not really the answer I am looking for. Everyone has always said that motherhood was so life altering that nothing ever changed their lives as much. So maybe 14 months later it is finally hitting me?? Am I no longer pre-mama me only post mama-me?...and where would the hyphen go? But can it really be so simple? Having children as altered me so much that I just don't see why I liked some of the people I use to like and does this mean that I like people that I previously didn't like? I don't know if I like that.

The truth is, I am sad. I miss my old gang. I thought that the ones of us that have had kids would be closer, having a common bond but the truth is, it just doesn't always work that way. Sometimes people who make great friends are such weird parents that being around them makes you frustrated by their choices and a struggle to be around with your kids. And the ones who have yet to have kids........they are in just such a different place.

But I think this is just the surface. I am finding people bitter and angry most of the time. Quick to speak poorly of eachother and generally bitchy. I just have no interest in why you hate someone or think they are stupid or all the negativity....it is all so heavy and complicated. I am not into complicated, haven't been for a long time. I just want to get out of the city, make things simple, small and managable. I don't want my fast big city life anymore. I don't want the fight to make enough money to keep up with the Jones'. A saying that really confused me as a child because my mothers last name is Jones'. I don't want to worry about what I am wearing. I want to worry about what I am eating and where it came from. I don't want to pay top dollar for food that has been GMO'd to the point where it isn't food anymore. I don't want to pay top dollar for meat that was badly treated and slaughtered while angry and sad. I don't believe that feeds us and I don't want to feed it to my children.

So maybe it is me. Maybe I am the one doing all the changing here. Maybe that is ok too. I will always miss the old but I like the new....in fact I love it!

About Me

I have been a writer for as long as I remember – stories, diaries, letters and notes that got passed under desks. Now this is the tale of learning to homestead in the big city, attempting to raise a family in a clean and nutritious way, trying be a great mom, a good wife, a helpful friend and contributing world citizen and how to quickly recover from the epic failures of trying all the above. This is my Life as a Mama, Gluten Free Recipe Developer, Food Writer and Wife