500: Is It Fall Yet?

Written by Glenn Eichler and Peggy Nicoll

NOTE: Edits made by The N appear in red text.

(courtesy of Robert Nowall)

(opening theme song)

SCENE 1 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL

(The students in Mr. DeMartino's classroom are packing books
into boxes and removing items from the walls. Among them are Daria,
Jane, Jodie, Kevin, and Brittany. Daria, Jane, and Jodie are packing
books, while Kevin and Brittany are attempting to remove a map of the
United States from the wall.)

Mr. DeMartino - Well, students... I certainly appreciate your help in cleaning out the classroom for the summer. It almost makes me forget that most of you didn't learn a thing all year!

Daria - That's not true. I learned to sleep sitting up.

Kevin - (turning) Mr. D., as Q.B., I think I can speak for...

Mr. DeMartino - Careful with that map, Kevin!

Kevin - Eep! (turns and quickly prevents map from falling)

Mr. DeMartino - Now... without turning around. Did you want to dangle a morsel of hope before me by announcing you're doing something constructive this summer, like partaking in much-needed remedial classes or some sort of vocation?

Kevin - (turns again) I'm not going on vacation. Me and Britt are going to be lifeguards.

Mr. DeMartino - No turning, Kevin!

Kevin - Urk! (turns back to map)

Mr. DeMartino - Do not turn until... did you say lifeguards?

Brittany - It'll be really easy 'cause I already know how to use... oops! (teeters and falls off the chair, ripping the map in half) Um, a bullhorn?

Mr. DeMartino - (clutches his head) Augh... argh! Why couldn't I have been born during an influenza epidemic? Or at the base of a volcano? Why did I survive, grow tall and strong, only to squander all my potential by becoming a teacher?! Argh...!

Daria - When he would have made such a wonderful motivational speaker.

(Mr. O'Neill is handing back test papers to his sophomore
class, which includes Quinn, Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany, Joey, Jeffy, and
Jamie.)

Mr. O'Neill - Now remember, the P-STATs are a good "dry run" for
your college boards. If you got 1,200 points or better, kudos! You'll
have a wide and exciting choice of colleges. And for those with less,
uh, robust scores, there are still wonderful opportunities in the food
services sector.

Stacy - Hmm... 940.

Tiffany - 9... 02.

Quinn - 955.

(Sandi scowls at that news, because her test score is 924. Solution? Lie through her teeth, of course.)

Sandi - 956. I guess we're all of comparable intelligence.

Tiffany - Yeah... comparable.

(Quinn displays a "yeah, right" look, as it took Tiffany ten
seconds just to say those two words. At that point, however, the
dismissal bell rings.)

Mr. O'Neill - All right, have a rewarding and growth-filled
summer, everyone. And by the way, we still have openings for counselors
at the "Okay to Cry Corral", my day camp for sensitive children and
those who'd like to be. It's going to be wonderful.

(His words are falling on deaf ears, as all of his students
are filing past him and out the door. All except Quinn, who approaches
his desk and waits for him to notice her.)

Mr. O'Neill - I hope... some of... um... all right, then. I'll miss you all, too. (finally notices Quinn standing there) Quinn, you'd like to join the roundup at the Okay to Cry Corral and make a difference in a child's life?

Quinn - Why would I want to do that? I just, um, need to ask you something.

Mr. O'Neill - Problems at home? Is it your mother? She seems awfully stressed. Has she been acting out on you?

Quinn - It's about my test score.

Mr. O'Neill - (dejected) Oh...

Quinn - Um, let's say you got a certain score on a test, and it
wasn't terrible, but some other people got almost the same score, people
you really thought you could do better than, although for personal
reasons you'd rather not name them or say why?

Mr. O'Neill - Um... what?

Quinn - Okay, forget everything I just said. Let's try this. Can I get into Pepperhill with a 955?

Mr. O'Neill - 955? Oh, dear. Well, let's see.

(He goes to his desk and leafs through a book, presumably a
reference book on universities, until he finds the entry for
Pepperhill.)

Mr. O'Neill - Pepperhill University. It is known more for its
wide range of social activities than for academics, but... ah! Uh-oh.
I'm afraid to get into Pepperhill you'll need a combined score of at
least 1,000.

Quinn - But that's not fair! I didn't have time to study with my
Fashion Club duties. Don't extracurricular activities count for
anything?

Mr. O'Neill - Hmm. You think you might have done better if you'd studied? Who were those other people you mentioned?

Quinn - I told you to forget them.

Mr. O'Neill - Eep! Of course you did. Well, Quinn, if you think
studying would help, I say go for it! Take this summer to crack the
books. Hire a tutor. Put your nose to the proverbial grindstone.

Jodie - Mack owes his father some money and I think it's very conscientious of him to take that job and pay him back.

Mack - Yeah. He gets the money, I get the humiliation.

Jodie - Mack, it'll be fine.

Brittany - Wait... isn't golf for old people who dress funny?

Jodie - Yeah -- my parents. They're trying to get into Winged Tree Country Club and they want me to learn how to play.

Kevin - Hey, do you get to wear one of those little hats and ring that bell that goes ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling? (laughs) A-ling?

(Mack grumbles. Kevin probably doesn't know how close he came
to getting flattened right on the spot. Elsewhere, the Fashion Club is
strolling down another hallway, presumably looking for yearbook
signers.)

Sandi - So I told my parents, all right, I'll go with you on your
little trip to Bermuda, but don't expect me to take part in any family
luaus.

David - Jasmine's been doing very well. Of course, it makes my job easier to have the support of involved parents.

Helen - (chuckles nervously) Yes. Quinn!

(David and Quinn sit in the kitchen)

David - I see here that you took European History last year. I guess there's no need repeating that.

Quinn - Oh, yeah. Napoleon, Waterworld, the A La Carta.

David - Hmm... "revisit European history." Moving on to literature. I want you to check off all the books you've read. (hands Quinn a list) No point in assigning Ethan Frome or Silas Marner again.

Quinn - What did they write?

David - (laughs) Uh... okay. How's this for an idea? You tell me which are your best subjects.

Quinn - Well, let's see... I have an unerring color sense.

(At that, David does not look at all impressed, as evidenced
by the "this is going to be tougher than I thought" look on his face.)

SCENE 11 - ASHFIELD COMMUNITY FOR THE ARTS

(The director is escorting Jane to her cabin. Her attitude and
mannerisms are something of a cross between Amanda Lane and Claire
Defoe.)

Director - I got a postcard from your mother. Boy, do I envy her in Death Valley.

Jane - Can you believe there are some people who wouldn't want to go there in July?

Director - I know... here we are.

(The director opens the door of the cabin to reveal a group of
young women, all of whom are lounging around the common area of the
cabin. They're all dressed in black, and sport oh!-so-trendy haircuts
complete with offbeat colors.)

Caroline - I'm not saying Fauvism didn't have its place, but now it just looks like so much black-velvet junk at the swap-meet.

Paris - That's not fair. You can't evaluate the work outside the context of its time.

Caroline - Anyway, color is not something you just fling around like a dog marking its territory.

(The girls murmur responses as Jane looks on and wonders what to make of her new roommates.)

SCENE 12 - LAWNDALE PUBLIC POOL

(Kevin and Brittany are dressed in full lifeguard regalia.
Kevin is wearing red swim trunks, while Brittany is wearing a red
one-piece bathing suit. Both are sporting whistles.)

Brittany - Kevvy! You look so cute.

Kevin - And you look hot.

Brittany - And your muscles, they're so ripply.

Kevin - Aw, babe.

(Behind them, a kid can be seen choking and waving his arms.
He's clearly in distress, and it's just as clear that Kevin and Brittany
are totally oblivious to his plight.)

Lifeguard - Hey! You guys are supposed to be watching the pool!

Kevin - What about this arm? Is it ripply, too?

Brittany - Ooh... let me see how ripply. Oh...

(The senior lifeguard jumps into the pool and pulls the kid to
safety. As she does so, she shoots an angry glance at the two
lovebirds.)

SCENE 13 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE

(It's 1:00 in the afternoon, and Daria is still sound asleep.
Helen walks into the bedroom and opens a curtain; she's definitely not
very pleased. Later that evening, Helen is on the living room sofa as
Daria heads for the front door.)

Daria - Can't talk... top secret mission.

Helen - Well, complete your mission soon because I'm sending you
on another one. Mr. O'Neill called looking for day camp volunteers and I
signed you up.

Daria - You didn't.

Helen - You start Monday. I'm sorry, but you're not staying locked up in your room all summer.

Daria - So instead, you're going to lock me up with a busload of whiny kids and the poor man's Kathy Lee Gifford.

Helen - Daria, you need to be more tolerant. You know what they say. "Judge and be judged."

Daria - And I judge myself unfit for human contact.

Helen - That's exactly what you will be if you don't start engaging with the rest of us. (stands up)
You keep hiding your real face behind that antisocial mask and one day
the mask will be your face. I'm not letting that happen. You're working
at that camp. (leaves)

Daria - What about my feelings? What about my rights? (door shuts) What about my bribe?

SCENE 14 - THE MORGNEDORFFER HOUSE

(Quinn and David are in the middle of a tutoring session. Well, David is, anyway; Quinn is on the phone with Stacy.)

Quinn - But Stacy, how can I possibly decide if you should wear
your chocolate brown or beige brown headband if you haven't picked out
your eyeliner? (looks over at David, and sees how angry he's getting) Beige brown, bye. (hangs up) Sorry.

David - Okay. As I was saying, people in the Middle Ages were in constant...

Quinn - Sandi, I'll call you right back. (hangs up) Okay. So we were talking about short people.

David - No, you were talking about sock length. (stands up) See ya.

Quinn - But you can't go! I haven't learned anything!

David - Gee, and how do you propose to do that when you're on the phone through the whole session?

Quinn - But they call, David, they call!

David - Look, you seem bright enough, but I just can't sit here
and listen to any more vacuous prattle with your brain-dead friends.
Eyeliner, headband colors... God, are you boring.

Quinn - I'm not boring! I'm popular!

David - Hey, the only reason you're popular is your looks, and
those won't last forever. You have nothing interesting to say and no
intellectual curiosity whatsoever. Do the world a favor and don't go to
college. Give up your spot to somebody who wants to learn.

(Quinn gasps; it's obvious she's never been talked to like
this before. At least, not by someone whose opinion mattered, on a
subject she cared about.)

Quinn - But... you just said I was bright!

David - So what? It doesn't matter, if you're hell-bent on achieving complete brain atrophy before you're old enough to vote.

Quinn - I'm not!

David - Do you even know what atrophy means?

Quinn - David, my friends and I all got practically the same scores on our P-STATs.

David - So?

Quinn - So they were bad. And I know I can do better. It's not like I care or anything, it's just that I know I can.

David - It's not like you care? It's not like you want to do better? Then why the hell am I here?

(Quinn pauses for a moment to let that sink in. Finally, she
comes to a decision as she places the phone in the middle of the table.)

Quinn - All right. I care. I want to do better.

David - Okay, then... the Middle Ages.

(David sits down and opens his textbook again as Quinn resigns herself to her situation.)

SCENE 15 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL" BUS

(Daria and Mr. DeMartino are seated together at the front of
the bus, while Mr. O'Neill leads the other kids in song. Daria looks
like she'd rather be anywhere else, while Mr. DeMartino looks like he
wants to tear a hole in the side of the bus to escape.)

Mr. O'Neill and Kids - (singing to "This Old Man") "With a knickknack, gentle pat, give the dog a bone, this young person helps out at home."

Mr. O'Neill - Now just the counselors. (singing) "This young person, he played..." (sees the look on Daria's and Mr. DeMartino's faces) Oh, dear.

(at the camp, the kids are gathered in the activities room as Mr. O'Neill runs through his introduction)

Mr. O'Neill - Greetings, and welcome to the Okay to Cry Corral.
I'm Uncle Timothy, and together, we're going to take a journey to the
land of self-discovery. A land where it's okay to laugh, and it's
okay... to cry.

Daria - I feel like doing that now.

Mr. O'Neill - And now, I'd like my co-counselors, Daria and Uncle
Anthony, to say a few words about what they hope to accomplish here.

Mr. DeMartino - After you, Daria.

Daria - Thanks, Uncle Anthony. (steps forward) My goal is to get out of this unscathed. (steps back)

Mr. DeMartino - I'm hoping to rediscover the joys and satisfactions of teaching, and the motives that led me to pursue such a thankless... I mean, rewarding profession in the first place. At least that's what my doctor says I need to do before I incur a cerebral hemorrhage!

Mr. O'Neill - Uncle Anthony... (chuckles nervously) I mean, what are your goals for the campers?

Mr. DeMartino - Oh. Um... (pulls out a cue card) "To help make this a pleasurable experience for all. Let's learn to love ourselves together."

(Daria approaches her group, which consists of four kids, one of whom is resting his head on his folded arms.)

Daria - Um... hello. Would, um, anyone like to say anything before we get started?

Kid #1 - How come you're so pale?

Kid #2 - Why do you bite your nails?

Kid #3 - Do you ever smile?

Daria - (to the kid at the end) Um, how about you? Would you like to say anything?

(The kid, Link, slowly raises his head.)

Link - Is it fall yet?

SCENE 16 - ASHFIELD COMMUNITY FOR THE ARTS

(Daniel Dotson, world famous artist -- in his mind -- is
giving a lecture before the assembled residents of the art colony.
Beside him is one of his works, four paper plates skewered by spears.)

Daniel - When I unveiled "Paper Plate Genocide" in 1991, it was
hailed as intriguing, provocative, even brilliant. And not just by me.

(scattered laughter)

Daniel - No, we all know critics tend to get carried away. But
what was I thinking when I created a work that seems to have turned out
both seminal and semiotic?

Jane - "I can't believe I'm getting away with this?"

(Sitting beside her, a young woman with tatoos on her arms and
long, dark hair -- Alison -- glances over at Jane and smirks; she
obviously appreciates Jane's sarcastic remark.)

Paris - Excuse me, Mr. Dotson?

Daniel - Please... Paris, isn't it? Call me Daniel.

Paris - Daniel. I just want to say, I think you're the greatest living artist of our time.

Jane - "And not just because I have no taste."

(Everyone except Jane and Alison applaud.)

Guy - I was wondering, where do you get your inspiration?

Alison - "My alimony bills."

(This time, it's Jane's turn to look impressed. She and Alison
exchange a look that needs no translation: they're on the same
wavelength regarding this full-of-himself poseur.)

Daniel - I don't sit around and wait for inspiration. I grab it
-- in the glint of the sun on a frozen peak... in the pain of an
arthritic's hobble... in a lover's whisper in the dark. So I'd have to say, my inspiration comes from life itself.

Guy - Wow.

(Now Jane and Alison are frowning. If anything, their hatred of this clown is getting deeper, if that's possible.)

(Kay and Elsie enter the room. Elsie sits on the chair
opposite the couch where Tom and Daria are sitting. Elsie is carrying a
garment bag, which she unceremoniously dumps on the ottoman.)

Kay - Hello, Daria. It's nice to see you again.

Daria - Um, you, too, Mrs. Sloane. Hi, Elsie.

Kay - Elsie, why don't you show Tom and Daria the dress Richard made you for the Starry Night Ball?

Elsie - Oh, I couldn't ruin the surprise.

Kay - Daria, is there any way I can change your mind about going? Then you and I could gang up and convince Tom.

Daria - Um...

Tom - Sorry, I forgot to tell you. Mom's on the board of the
Lawndale Art Museum. They're holding a benefit to raise money for a new
wet bar.

Kay - A new gallery. It should be a lot of fun.

Daria - Um, sounds like it.

Elsie - If you like watching ice sculptures melt.

Tom - Actually, these things are excruciatingly dull and stuffy, and I told her there's no way we're going.

Daria - Well, um, I guess that's right.

Elsie - You wouldn't want to compromise your quasi-rebelliousness.

Tom - I hope Richard left enough room in that dress for your faux jadedness.

Kay - Children! You know, Daria, this event is not members-only.
I'd love to send your parents an invitation if you think they'd be
interested.

Daria - Um... thanks.

Elsie - Are you going to blow off fireworks at the club, too?

Tom - Sorry. I forgot. We can't. I already told... promised Daria I'd go with her to her friend's Fourth of July party.

Kay - Daria, what can we do to get into your good graces?

(An embarrassed Daria's discomfort level reaches an all-time high as she sits in the middle of the conversation.)

SCENE 19 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL"

(The kids are in the activities room. They're not happy.)

Mr. O'Neill - Now, I want each of you to think of the blue
lanyard as representing how you feel on the inside, and the green as how
you present yourself on the outside. Picture...

Kristin - It's a hundred degrees! Can't we go for a swim in the lake?

Kids - Yeah... lake!

Mr. O'Neill - Now, Kristin... do we really want to risk exposure
to algae blooms? Maybe some other time, when it's not quite as warm out.

(kids groan)

Mr. DeMartino - The blue strand represents the gnawing feeling of failure growing with each wasted year. The green represents the ulcer you're developing from the unrelenting indignities you suffer. Take the blue and cross it under... I mean, over the loop and then through the frustration... argh...! Lanyards suck!

(DeMartino gets up and walks away, leaving the kids confused)

Daria - So continue threading the blue with the green until you've finished. Or can't take the tedium anymore.

(She picks up a book and lets the kids continue with the project. Eventually, Link gets up and walks over to her.)

Daria - Hey, Link. Need some help?

Link - Nope. All done.

(Link tosses his project on the table and leaves. Daria picks
it up and examines it: it's a twisted, gnarled mess. Link is obviously not having a good time.)

SCENE 20 - THE LANDON HOUSE

(The Landon's Fourth of July party is in full swing, with
influential guests and various students from Lawndale High in
attendance. The Three J's approach Quinn and the Fashion Club, who are
standing off to one side of the Landon's deck.)

(Jane and Alison enter the dining room. Each is carrying a tray of food.)

Jane - I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

Alison - You can't eat in your room forever. Why go to an
artists' colony if you're not going to mingle with your fellow artists?

Jane - That's like saying why go to a penal colony if you're not going to mingle with your fellow... I think I'll stop there.

Alison - Come on, I know they'll warm up to you if you give them a chance.

Jane - Um, are we by any chance conversing across parallel dimensions?

Alison - I'll bet you dinner I'm right.

Jane - You're on, sucker.

(The girls approach the table where Paris, Jet, and some unidentified guy are sitting.)

Alison - Mind if we join you?

Jet - Not at all.

Alison - How's everyone liking the colony so far?

Jet - I love it. It's so... freeing.

Paris - And Daniel? That man is brilliant. He said my white-on-white painting was a stroke of inspiration.

Guy - I'll bet you two have explored all sorts of strokes together.

(Jet laughs)

Man - Oh well, I suppose genius does have its prerogatives.

Jane - Well, I don't know if Daniel's a genius.

Paris - No offense, Jane, but aren't you still in high school? How much can you know about art at this point?

Jane - Excuse me?

Alison - Paris, we all had to submit a portfolio to be accepted here. I'd say Jane knows quite a bit about art.

Paris - I'm sure you're right. I apologize. Are you guys ready to go?

(the three bid their goodbyes to Jane and Alison as they get up and leave)

Jane - Gee, that was fun. But in the future, let's save time and just roll around on gravel.

Alison - Sorry about that. I guess I owe you one.

Jane - You owe me dinner.

SCENE 22 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL" BUS

Mr. O'Neill - (singing to "Row, Row, Row Your Boat") "Brush, brush, brush your teeth, using good hygiene, up and down and up and down and floss until they gleam." Everybody!

Kids - (singing halfheartedly) "Brush, brush, brush your teeth, using good hygiene, up and down and up and down, floss until they gleam."

(Daria, meanwhile, can't hear a thing; she's wearing a pair of
those earmuffs used by airport employees who work around jet engines.
Mr. DeMartino, however, has no such protection, and is barely keeping
himself from going postal.)

(Later, at the camp, the kids are painting in the activity room.)

Mr. O'Neill - Remember, don't think about what you're doing,
because I don't really want a painting from you. I want a painting from
the child within.

Girl - It's so pretty out. Can't we go for a hike? Please?

(the other kids join in and also plead to go outside)

Mr. O'Neill - Now, campers. I wouldn't be a very caring counselor
if I let you run higgledy-piggledy through the poison ivy and ticks.
One day there'll be time to explore the woods, after we explore
ourselves.

(all the kids sigh)

Mr. DeMartino - Well, well, Josh. What have we here? A football player? May I inquire why?

Josh - My child within wants to be a winner. Everyone knows football players are winners.

Mr. DeMartino - I see. Obviously, your definition of a winner is a degenerate slacker with pigskin for brains, an unshakable desire to sleep through class, and a lifetime goal of excelling at arm noise contests while never, ever doing any honest work of any kind! Is that right?!

(Josh starts crying and runs away)

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, my gosh. Anthony, what happened?

Mr. DeMartino - I, uh... Timothy, I think I may have spoken too harshly to a camper.

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, no. Was he traumatized?

Mr. DeMartino - I'm no good at working with young people! Why, oh, why did I ever think I could?

(all the other kids suddenly start cheering)

Boy #1 - Josh is the worst bully at camp.

Girl - I hate his child within.

Boy #2 - Hooray for Uncle Anthony!

(all the kids start cheering for "Uncle Anthony")

Mr. DeMartino - Oh... thank you, campers!

(Meanwhile, Daria is watching in dismay as Link paints a
horribly depressing picture: a dark, hunched-over figure standing in the
rain next to a tree with no leaves.)

SCENE 23 - THE GRIFFIN HOUSE

(David Sorenson is sitting with Sandi at the dining room table. Sandi doesn't look like she's having a very good time.)

David - Okay, let's talk about the rise and fall of the Roman Empire. In 753 B.C., Romulus and Remus...

Sandi - (interrupting) Um, excuse me, is this going to take long? I still have a few accessories left to buy for my date tonight.

David - Well, look. Rome wasn't built in a day, if you know what I mean.

Sandi - Good one. Might I suggest then that we finish this session at Cashman's?

David - Sandi, if you're not going to take this seriously...

Sandi - Are you implying that I can't shop and give you my attention? Because I don't think that's the sort of confidence-building a tutor is supposed to provide his student.

David - (frustrated) We're not going to the mall.

Sandi - You academics aren't very understanding of the pressures
facing normal people. Nevertheless, if we leave now, I'll buy you a
sno-cone.

David - Forget it. I quit. (picks up his books and leaves)

Sandi - Geek.

SCENE 24 - THE BLUM-DECKLER HOUSE

(This time, it's Tiffany that's under the gun, only Tiffany
isn't annoyed. How could she be, when she's totally absorbed with
holding a compact up to her face and applying makeup?)

David - Steinbeck was perhaps best known for his poignant novel about the "Okies"...

Tiffany - Uh-huh...

David - A heavy metal band famous for having a baboon on bass.

Tiffany - Uh-huh...

(David grabs the compact out of her hand)

Tiffany - Uh, why'd you do that?

David - Because I'm not here to watch you put on makeup.

Tiffany - But... I don't mind.

David - Well, I do. Now, if you did your reading, you'll recall that Steinbeck was... what are you doing?

Tiffany - This toaster's really shiny.

David - Later. (picks up his backpack and leaves)

(For a few moments, Tiffany doesn't even pick up on the fact that David has left. Then...)

Tiffany - (finally turning around) Huh?

SCENE 25 - THE ROWE HOUSE

(It's Stacy's turn now, just to make the set complete. Unlike Sandi and Tiffany, Stacy actually seems to be trying.)

David - During the Reconstruction, Southerners complained that
the newly installed government officials were nothing more than
carpetbaggers.

Stacy - They were making fun of their butts? Wait, that would be saddlebaggers...

(David gets a look on his face: "You can't really be that stupid, can you?")

David - At least you're trying. Unlike Sandi and Tiffany, whom I had to drop. Now, the carpet...

Stacy - Wait -- you dropped them?

David - Yup. The carpetbaggers...

Stacy - Why didn't they tell me? I'm being shut out. I can't believe this is happening to me. I knew this was going to happen to me. Oh, why did I wear that butterfly clip?

(Stacy runs off, crying, leaving David alone to wonder what the hell happened.)

SCENE 26 - CONGRESSMAN SACK'S OFFICE

(Jodie is sitting at a desk, slowly feeding piles of paperwork into a shredding machine as the phone rings.)

Jodie - Congressman Sack's office. Hey! How's it going?

(split-screen between Jodie and Mack, who's in his ice cream truck)

Mack - Terrible. You want to go to a movie Saturday?

Jodie - I have to pull a double shift at the crisis center.

Mack - You know, I never see you anymore.

Jodie - I know, but look at it this way. I'm wasting away the
summer stuck inside all day. At least you get to drive around in your
nice white suit ringing your little bells.

Mack - Hey, you think it's funny that I have to do this?!

Jodie - Who said it was funny? (the other line rings) I got to get this. I'll talk to you later. (hangs up)

Kids - We want ice cream!

Mack - (hangs up) Yeah... later.

SCENE 27 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE

(Daria is alone in her room, reading a book, when the phone rings.)

Quinn - (shouting from off-screen) Daria! It's that Tom!

Daria - (picks up phone) Hello?

Tom - Hey, it's me. I was wondering what you're doing tonight.

Daria - Actually, I'm... not feeling that well.

(split-screen between Daria and Tom)

Tom - Still? Then can I bring you a bowl of soup? I'll even throw
in a couple of goldfish crackers. Or real goldfish, if you prefer.

Daria - Thanks, but I'm kind of beat. I think I'll pass.

Tom - Daria... is everything all right?

Daria - Never better. I mean, except for this cold.

Tom - You know I'm leaving for the cove in a week, right? I won't see you for a month.

Daria - I know. Um, a month's not that long.

Tom - All right. Call me if you feel like getting out, okay?

Daria - Sure.

(As they hang up, Daria leans back and gets a "dammit, why is this happening to me?" look on her face.)

SCENE 28 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL"

(Mr. O'Neill is talking to Link in his office. Link is
obviously not happy to be there, but then, that's no different than what
we've seen so far.)

Mr. O'Neill - Link, I asked you to stop by because I've noticed you seem a little bit... subdued.

Link - I was gonna say miserable, but okay.

Mr. O'Neill - Growing up is kind of like being a kite, isn't it?
We want to fly, but we don't really trust ourselves to cut the parental
string and soar with the birds. (chuckles)

Link - A kite doesn't fly if you cut its string. It blows around in the wind for a while and then crashes.

Mr. O'Neill - Exactly. Just the way we...

Link - You might know that if you ever took us outside.

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, well, I...

Link - What do you know? 'Cause it seems to me you spout
out a lot of crap about loving ourselves, and that doesn't do any good
to someone trying to figure out why his mother threw his father out for
being a jerk and then went and married a bigger one.

Kay - It's very nice to speak with you at last. I'm sorry we haven't met yet.

Helen - Oh, yes, I know.

Kay - In fact, that's sort of why I'm calling. We're having a
little benefit for the Lawndale Art Museum we're calling the Starry
Night Ball. Do you think you might like to attend? We could finally meet
and do our bit for the arts.

Helen - The Starry Night Ball? What a wonderful idea. Without the arts, what distinguishes us from animals, right?

Kay - Wonderful. It's on September eighth, and tickets are a thousand dollars per couple. (Helen's face falls to the floor) Or you can buy a table for $5,000, but please don't feel obligated to do that.

Alison - (laughs) where have I heard that before? Wait a minute. Is this your first time with a girl? Well, no wonder you're nervous.

Jane - Alison... read my lips. I like guys.

Alison - And hanging out with bisexuals in their bedrooms after they buy you dinner.

Jane - Hey, I didn't know you were bi. And the dinner thing was settling a bet.

Alison - Sure... settling a bet. I'm sorry, baby, but I never hit on straight chicks.

Jane - Listen, you've been really nice to me and all, and I really appreciate it, but I'm not interested in women.

Alison - You mean you're not ready to admit it.

Jane - I gotta go.

(She high-tails it out of
Alison's cabin and rushes back to hers. As she closes the door, she
leans on it with a stricken and confused look, as if she's been betrayed
for the second time by someone she considered a friend.)

SCENE 32 - LAWNDALE PUBLIC POOL

(Kevin is surveying his surroundings by looking through the
mouthpiece of a bullhorn. Brittany is examining her hair, which is now a
sickly shade of green!)

Brittany - Eep!

Kevin - Man, it's hard to see out of this thing.

(Brittany runs over to Kevin)

Brittany - Kevvy, this is terrible! That icky pool water is turning my hair green!

(Brittany starts chasing Kevin around the pool and pummeling
him, then shoves him into the water and does it some more. The other
kids take the cue and start doing the same with each other until the
head lifeguard blows her whistle to break things up.)

Lifeguard - You two mess up one more time and you're fired.

SCENE 33 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL"

(The campers, plus Daria and Mr. DeMartino, are sitting in a
circle. In the center is Mr. O'Neill, who is trying to engage the
students in yet another feel-good exercise.)

Mr. O'Neill - Now, everyone hold the hand of the person next to them while we all visualize the same word: "trust."

Curtis - But we've been sitting inside all day. Can't we go out and play? Please?

Mr. DeMartino - Um, Uncle Timothy... perhaps little Curtis has a point. Maybe frolicking outdoors would offer a refreshing counterpoint to sitting in a circle like a quilting bee of shut-ins!

Mr. O'Neill - Anthony, please. You're supposed to be setting an example. Besides, quilting can be very therapeutic. (alarm beeping) Now... oops. Time for my Echinacea. I'll be back in a jiffy. Now everyone, hold hands and feel the warmth. (walks away)

(The kids reluctantly take each others' hand. A grumbling Mr.
DeMartino does the same, only to find that his are now smeared with
peanut butter.)

(Mr. DeMartino runs over to the sink and rips it out of the
wall with a grunt, then flings it through the nearest plate-glass
window.)

Mr. DeMartino - I'm going on a hike! (climbs out the window)

(all the kids -- except Link -- cheer and follow him out the window)

Daria - (to Link) Come on. Even I'll admit that was mildly amusing.

Link - Whatever.

Daria - Look, for what it's worth, when I was your age, I, um...
had this friend who was kind of like you. The only people she liked were
the ones in books, and she spent most of her time in her room convinced
the world had been quietly taken over by a race of idiot space aliens.

Link - And then one day your "friend" grew out of it and went on
to make many more friends, and now her life is one big bowl of cherries.

Daria - Okay. Bad example. But maybe things would have
been a little easier for my friend if she hadn't kept everything bottled
up inside. You know, if she'd had someone to talk to.

Link - Or maybe "she" did try talking, and the people just told
her to shut up, or paid someone else to deal with her because they were
too busy "listening to their souls."

Daria - You think that's what's happening to you?

Link - Hey, look around, Daria. Everybody's so busy being their own best friend, maybe they should try buddying up to the people they brought into the damn world, who never asked to be born.

Daria - Oh.

(uncomfortable pause)

Link - So, what books does your "friend" like to read, anyway?

Daria - Well, let's see. When she was 12, she was really into George Orwell...

(Mr. O'Neill suddenly arrives, proving that he has the absolute worst possible timing of anyone on the planet.)

Mr. O'Neill - Daria! Link! Having a little one-on-one session?

Daria - Yes, and so by definition, it can't include...

Mr. O'Neill - Daria, I knew you could do it. See? It's easier to
"rap" with Daria than with me, isn't it? A teen who's closer to your own
age. But I'm just as concerned as she is about your well-being.

(David and Quinn are at the kitchen table, in the midst of another tutoring session)

David - But when the workers stormed the Bastille, they only found seven prisoners, and one of them was the Marquis de Sade.

Quinn - Eww.

David - That's more or less the way they felt.

Quinn - Did Marie Antoinette really have the champagne glasses molded after her... you know? (giggles)

David - We really should be focusing more on the politics of the
Revolution, but that's what they say. If she'd been a different body
type, we'd be drinking champagne out of bowls.

(they both laugh as Helen and Jake enter the room)

Helen - David, I must say I'm quite impressed. I've never seen Quinn have so much fun studying.

Quinn - That's because in school they only teach you the really
boring stuff. Mom? Dad? Did you know Marie Antoinette never said "let
them eat cake?" That expression comes from a story about a princess,
written by Rousseau. Right?

David - Right.

Jake - Lousy tabloids.

(uncomfortable pause)

Helen - We've got to run. Bye.

Jake - (offscreen) Wait... um, I was joking.

Helen - (offscreen) You were not.

Jake - (offscreen) I know.

Quinn - Was Marie Antoinette pretty?

David - They said she was a great beauty. Of course, you won't
find a lot of people willing to call their absolute monarch butt-ugly.

Quinn - David, do you think... I'm pretty?

David - Sure.

Quinn - By the way, have you been to Chez Pierre? Because it's
really nice if you ever wanted to take me there. And it would be kind of
educational, since we're studying French history and stuff.

David - Thanks, but you don't want to be seen around town with an egghead. Your friends would behead you. (looks at watch) Well, that's about it for today. (gathers his backpack and stands)
Now, be sure to read the chapter on the Industrial Revolution, and
don't forget your vocabulary words. I'll be back for more pedagogy next
week. (silence) Quinn? Pedagogy? That's one of the words. (leaves)

Quinn - Yeah. Pedagogy.

SCENE 35 - ASHFIELD COMMUNITY FOR THE ARTS

(everyone is painting in the common room, with Daniel Dotson critiquing each work)

Daniel - (to Jet) Excellent. The brushwork is very
confident, and I love the strained, almost antagonistic relationship
with color. Really, you remind me of myself when I was young.

Jet - Oh, Daniel. You're not old.

Daniel - Well, I'm certainly young... at heart.

Jane - Not to mention delusional of mind.

(Jane puts down her brush and walks away. On the canvas, we
see a dark painting of a woman trapped inside a small safe, screaming in
frustration. The woman bears a remarkable similarity to Jane.)

(outside, Jane and Alison approach from different directions)

Alison - Hey.

Jane - Hey.

Alison - Haven't seen you around.

Jane - Oh, you know, the
solitary artist. Look, I gotta be honest. That whole thing that happened
between -- I mean, didn't happen -- well, it kind of confused me.

Daria - Just hear me out. Mr. O'Neill didn't ask me to speak to
you, and I would never tell him anything anyway, except my name, rank
and homeroom number.

Link - Yeah, right.

Daria - Look, I'm not good at this kind of thing -- probably
because I've never done this kind of thing -- but if you ever need
someone to talk to, um... I'm around.

Link - I don't need anyone to talk to. Especially you.

(Link walks away, leaving behind a very dejected Daria)

SCENE 37 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE

(The doorbell rings. Helen opens the door and finds Tom standing on the stoop.)

Helen - Tom! Come in. Daria! Tom's here. Jake and I are so sorry
we won't be able to make the museum benefit. Normally we love museums.
In fact, we were thinking of seeing the Van Gogh exhibit this week.

Tom - Um, that exhibit left a year ago.

Helen - Oh... (chuckles nervously)

(outside, Daria and Tom head down the walk towards his car)

Tom - Well, at least you can be confident your mother's not addicted to sedatives.

Daria - Hey, she didn't ask to be invited to that stupid fund-raiser.

Tom - My mother was just trying to be nice. A lot of people like going to those things.

Daria - Sure. Helping the little people while avoiding contact with them at all cost.

Tom - Um, is something wrong?

Daria - No.

Tom - Come on. I had to beg you to come out tonight, and then the first thing you do is jump down my throat. What's going on?

Daria - I don't know. It's the museum. And the country club. And your family. You know, your whole elitist world.

Tom - It's not elitist. And it's not my world.

Daria - Don't tell me. Tell Aunt Mildred tomorrow when you get to your private island. And be sure not to mention me to her, okay?

Tom - What?

Daria - It's obvious you don't want me mixing with your family,
since you didn't ask me to the fund-raiser or the fireworks display.

Tom - Daria, I didn't invite you to those things because I sure
as hell didn't want to go and I assumed you wouldn't either. Right?

Daria - Well, you still should have asked.

Tom - You're right.

Daria - Unless you just assumed your parents were gonna hate me.

Tom - What? What are you talking about? My parents think you're
great. They know you're really smart and headed for college and stuff.
It's not like you're Jane.

Daria - What do you mean, "not like I'm Jane?" Jane's smart.

Tom - (oops!) Yeah, I know she's smart. But she
could get a Ph.D or spend the rest of her days painting tiles, and her
parents wouldn't care either way. If we did that, our parents would have a fit.

Daria - So what you're saying is Jane isn't up to your family's standards. God, you're a snob.

Tom - Damn it, Daria! Quit trying to pick a fight with me!

Daria - Excuse me?

Tom - You attack my mother for inviting your parents to the
fund-raiser, then attack me for not inviting you. You say my family
disapproves of you, I say they relate to you better than Jane, and now
I'm a snob.

Daria - Forgive me for being a loyal friend.

Tom - Why don't you say what you're really afraid of? The idea that you might actually start caring about someone. 'Cause that would make you vulnerable.

Daria - Look, maybe we just jumped into this dating stuff too fast. Maybe we need to take a break.

Sandi - Gee, Quinn, it's sweet of you to take time out from your studies to be with the friends you've neglected all summer.

Quinn - Oh, Sandi, I just wish I were as smart as you so I wouldn't need a tutor. You know, David's kind of funny.

Sandi - If by funny you mean extraordinarily unpleasant, I agree completely. That's why I was forced to terminate his services.

Tiffany - What a geek.

Stacy - I know! And so... geeky!

Quinn - But he said...

Sandi - Yes?

Quinn - Nothing. I guess David is a little geeky, although I
wouldn't be surprised if some people thought he was cute, you know, in
that brainy kind of way.

Sandi - Quinn? Are you trying to tell us something?

Quinn - Me? Oh, no, of course not! Ooh, look! Intermediate markdowns!

(The distraction works, as Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany scramble over to the marked-down clothes.)

SCENE 39 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE

(Daria is alone in her room, laying on the bed and second-guessing her second-guesses about Tom)

Daria - Of course I did the right thing. He's from his world, I'm
from mine. Never would have worked. I mean, unless I tried or
something.

(Quinn enters the room, holding a copy of Ethan Frome)

Quinn - Here's your book.

Daria - Um, that's not mine.

Quinn - Oh, right. I borrowed it from David. Um, what do you think of him?

Daria - Seems like a nice guy. And he obviously has a high threshold for pain. Why?

Quinn - No reason. Do you think he's... cute?

Daria - Well, I suppose in that not-a-brain-dead-surfer kind of way.

Quinn - Yeah...

Daria - I know you may find this hard to believe, but looks aren't everything.

Quinn - Really?

Daria - See, there's this thing called personality? There's also liking the same things, having a similar sense of humor, being able to have five-minute conversations without boring the living hell out of each other...

Quinn - Like you and Tom.

Daria - Did I mention Tom?

Quinn - Well, who else would you be talking about? You're obviously very compatible.

Daria - How would you know?

Quinn - Daria, up until recently dating has been my major field of study!

Daria - Well, you've never met his family.

Quinn - You can't judge someone by their family. What if people judged me by... blech! Got to go. (leaves)

(Daria glances out the side window; this isn't what she needs to hear right now)

SCENE 43 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE

(David and Quinn are at the kitchen table, in another tutoring session)

Quinn - ... and that's how Randolph Hearst's yellow journalism helped get the U.S. into the American-Spanish War.

David - Close enou...

Quinn - The Spanish-American War.

David - You know, I had my doubts at first... serious doubts. But
you've come a long way, Quinn. You should be very proud of yourself.

Quinn - Thanks. Um, are you proud of me?

David - Of course. (puts his book into his backpack) And I want you to drop me a line at school and let me know how you're doing in class.

Quinn - David?

David - Yes?

Quinn - Um... I like you.

David - I like you, too.

Quinn - No, I mean I "like" like you.

David - ("now I get it") Oh. Look...

Quinn - I mean, I never thought I could really "like" like
someone who wasn't, you know, really cute -- not that you're uncute --
but you know what I mean. You don't try to be cute. Not that I would
ever try to make you try to be cute.

David - (after a moment of trying to figure that one out) Right.

Quinn - Well? We can probably get in at least two dates before you go off to college.

David - Look, Quinn, it's very flattering, and you're a really nice kid, but you're not my type.

Quinn - But I already told you! I don't care what you look like.

David - Quinn, look, when I go out, it has to be with someone who has -- how can I put this? -- a certain amount of depth.

Quinn - But I know stuff now!

David - Yes, but why did you want to know stuff? So you'd be able to get into a party school. Talk about a lack of self-esteem.

Quinn - I have tons of self-esteem! I esteem myself more than anybody!

David - (stands) When it comes to appearance, but not in
any areas that count. Look at the losers you hang out with. No chance of
feeling stupid around them.

Quinn - Losers? But the whole reason I even thought of getting tutored was I knew I could do better on the P-STATs than them.

David - Than they. And I'm glad to hear that. It means you're starting to understand your potential.

Quinn - So...?

David - Quinn, you and I are in two different places, way too far
apart to go out. You'd hate it, believe me. But it's a real big
compliment. Keep studying and good luck. (leaves)

(Daria and Jane glance at each other, their friendship
healed... then both girls glance at the ceiling at yet another Mystik
Spiral "masterpiece.")

SCENE 47 - ASHFIELD COMMUNITY FOR THE ARTS

(Daria and Jane are heading for the Tank. Daria is discussing her situation with Tom.)

Daria - I just couldn't get past all that upper-crustiness. I
felt like the poor cousin in a Henry James novel. You know, someone to
be tolerated until she gets run over by a horse and buggy.

Jane - Yeah, the Sloanes definitely come from the land of the
Muffys. But it's not like they're jerks or anything. I just ignored the
money and concentrated on the incredibly well-stocked refrigerator.

Daria - Yeah. Look, why don't you just come back with us?

Jane - I don't know. Some kind of dumb-ass
notion about seeing this through, I guess. Anyway, it's just another
two weeks and then we'll be back at school! Wait... what's my point?

Daria - That life sucks no matter what, so don't be fooled by location changes.

Jane - You really should write fortune cookies.

Daria - Call me when you get back.

Jane - All right, freakin' friend. (starts to walk away, then stops and turns)
Um, I don't believe I'm about to say this, but... you should give Tom
another shot. He's not a bad guy. And you could use the recreation.

Daria - Um, what about the whole you-stabbed-me-in-the-back-how-could-you thing?

Jane - I think I actually am over that. As opposed to when I said I was over it but was really still under it.

Daria - Yeah, right.

Jane - Seriously. Give it some thought on the way back.

Daria - I don't think so.

Jane - Or converse with the band. The choice is yours.

(And with that, Jane walks away, leaving Daria to the tender mercies of Mystik Spiral and her own thoughts.)

SCENE 48 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE

(Daria is on her bed, reading, when Quinn walks into the bedroom)

Daria - No, those sandals don't make your toes look fat.

Quinn - So David was right. I am superficial.

Daria - At least you know your strengths. (she glances up and sees the look on Quinn's face: devestation) He really called you that?

Quinn - He said he only dates girls with "depth."

Daria - How did it even come up? (Quinn's look gets deeper) Oh, boy. You asked him out?

(Quinn turns away and starts crying)

Daria - Quinn, you're, um, not as superficial as you act. I'm
sure you just feel obliged to stress the moronic aspects of your
personality so you'll fit in better with the fashion drones, like a mask
you wear 'cause you think they wouldn't like the real you.

Quinn - You mean sort of the way you keep people away by being really unfriendly and stuff?

Daria - Hey, we're talking about you here. (pause) You really liked that guy, huh? (Quinn nods)
Well, he certainly wasn't what we intellectuals call a totally buff
hottie, so if you saw past his looks, you can't be completely shallow.

Quinn - Thanks, Daria. Damn it, I even told him I liked him! I never do that!

Daria - Quinn... sometimes you reach out to someone and all you get back is a slap in the face. (sees Helen appear in the doorway)

Quinn - Then why even bother?

(Daria waves Helen back)

Daria - I guess because, um, you got to give people a chance. Otherwise, there's no point to the whole being-human routine.

Quinn - Why? David didn't give me a chance!

Daria - Sure he did. Wasn't he going to quit before you begged him not to?

Quinn - Yeah. So?

Daria - So you learned a whole bunch of stuff and found out you
don't have to be a dummy if you don't want to... because he gave you a
chance.

(Helen figures it's time to intervene)

Helen - Quinn, I...

Quinn - Okay, thanks for lending this to me. A Journal of the Plague Year. Sounds fun! (laughs nervously as she leaves)

Helen - (approaching the bed) "Give people a chance." Sounds like good advice.

Daria - That crap?

Helen - (exasperated) Oh, Daria. Here, this came for you...

(She hands Daria an envelope. Rather than open it, however, Daria simply gives her a "how about some privacy, please?" stare.)

Helen - ...and I guess I'll go see how Quinn is doing. (leaves)

(Daria opens the letter. It's from Link: "My stepfather sucks.
E-mail me if you want." Daria finally got through to him, which brings a
tiny smile to her face.)

Ms. Li - (over P.A.)
Welcome back, students, and remember, the school nurse is in and ready
to take your voluntary urine sample. Show your Lawndale High spirit with
the gift of urine! (P.A. clicks off)

Fashion Club - Eww...!

(later, in Mr. DeMartino's class)

Mr. DeMartino - All right, which of you promising young people would like to share your definition of Manifest Destiny?

(Quinn raises her hand, then lowers it at a look from Sandi.
She hesitates only a moment, though, then confidently raises her hand
again.)

Mr. DeMartino - Ms. Morgendorffer? Did you want something?

Quinn - "Manifest Destiny" was a phrase politicians used to say
that God wanted the U.S. to keep expanding west all the way to the
Pacific ocean. Because why bother owning the country if Hollywood wasn't
included?

Mr. DeMartino - Ahh, Quinn, that's very good! Thank you for making my day rewarding.

(class starts to murmur amongst themselves; up until now, Quinn has never shown she has a functioning brain)

Sandi - Gee, Quinn... I hope that little foray of yours into
Geekland just now is the result of heat exhaustion, and not an
unpleasant side effect of all that tutoring. I mean, you're not turning
into a brain, are you?

(Tom opens the passenger door for Daria, and they drive away.
When they reach the Morgendorffer house, he pulls in front and stops the
engine.)

Daria - Thanks for the lift. Um, I guess I should be going. (starts to leave)

Tom - Just hear me out. Okay?

Daria - Sure. (quickly settles back into the seat)

Tom - There's nothing I can do about the club, my family, the
whole thing. And yes, I can see where all of that could make you
uncomfortable.

Daria - Thank you.

Tom - But would you also agree that maybe I was right when I said
this dating stuff is new to you, and you're afraid of getting hurt, and
maybe you were looking for an out before you got too pulled in? (pause) Daria?

Daria - Maybe some of that's true.

Tom - Well, here's the deal. I want to start seeing you again. We
can take it slow, but you've got to at least try to trust me. I really
like you, Daria, but I don't want to waste any more time if you're not
going to give it a chance. (pause) Please?

(Daria mumbles)

Tom - Daria...?

Daria - I want to try again, too.

Tom - Don't say any more. I hate it when you get all mushy.

Daria - Yeah, I don't like it, either. Okay, then, I'm glad. See ya.

(Daria gets out of the car, and just as Tom prepares to pull
away, she jumps back in and they kiss... all of which is observed by
Helen through the bay window of the house.)

Helen - Oh, Jakey, do you realize what a momentous summer our
girls have had? Quinn learned she's smarter than she thought, and Daria
has her first boyfriend.

Jake - It's summer already?

Helen - (exasperated) Jake...

(Jake turns around, revealing the mischievous grin on his face. He finally made a joke!)

Helen - You made a joke, didn't you?

Jake - Yep! Old Jake was joking!

Helen - I like a man with a sense of humor.

Jake - (seductively) Why'd the chicken cross the road?

Helen - I don't know.

Jake - Well, you're about to find out!

Helen - Oh!

(Helen starts laughing and whooping as Jake begins to tease
her and chase her around the living room. Outside, the sun slowly sets
behind Daria and Tom, and on an eventful summer in Lawndale.)