You don’t expect to find la dolce vita in Germany’s Black Forest, but there we were, 1,000km north of the Italian capital, in a restaurant overlooking the piazza Roma. Children ran in and out of fountains that lit up in multiple colours, in the shadow of a red-brick, medieval tower reminiscent of Siena’s. The Pizzeria Romantica was gearing up for another busy night. Couples sat at tables outside the Commedia dell’Arte cafe, admiring the colosseum, or a bit of it.

Rome’s most famous monument looms over the 350-room Hotel Colosseo, but the Italian theme runs throughout: inside, the ground-floor corridors are part-cobbled and lantern-lit, like ancient streets; restaurant walls are covered in murals of mythical scenes, and washing hangs outside the green-shuttered bedroom windows. The level of detail is impressive. Of course it’s entirely fake, but it’s not plasticky. Even the kids’ play area is wooden. And it lacks the superficial gloss you get in American themed hotels. There are no shrill “Hi, how are yous?” here, no too-white smiles. The staff, dressed in robes (naturalmente), are helpful and polite but not overbearing. The officiousness of one woman who checked our breakfast vouchers brought a welcome sense of reality to the surreal environment.

A slice of Rome on the German/French/Swiss border. Photograph: EuropaPark

As to why there’s a recreation of Rome in rural Germany ... the Colosseo is one of five resorts at Europa-Park theme park, where the theme is – well, you can guess. If Italy doesn’t take your fancy, the Castillo Andaluz and El Andaluz hotels immerse guests in traditional Spain, while the Santa Isabel hotel is modelled on a Portuguese monastery, complete with chapel, vaulted ceilings and a cloister garden. And in a break from the park’s European theme, the New England-flavoured Bell Rock resort is dripping in seafaring paraphernalia, with a Vegas-style fountain display every night. It’s overwhelming and bonkers – and that’s just the hotels.

I’m not a theme park person. I have resisted taking my six-year-old son to Disney, or any theme park for that matter. But I was intrigued by Europa-Park. At 95 hectares, it’s by far the biggest in Germany, with 100 rides, including 13 rollercoasters spread across 13 “lands” (soon to be 14 when “Ireland – children’s world” opens later this summer). And it’s going to get bigger – much bigger: a 46-hectare water park is under construction and scheduled to open in 2018. This giant playground has been named as the best in Europe, by Tripadvisor, it costs less than Disneyland Paris and is easy to get to (we flew to Basel, then it’s an hour straight up the motorway to the small town of Rust). Yet no one I mentioned it to had heard of it, a lack of awareness borne out by the statistics. Of the park’s 5.5 million annual visitors, less than 1% are from the UK.

It’s overwhelming and bonkers – and that’s just the hotels

We’re missing out. I challenge even the grumpiest cynic – or indeed hardened Brexiter – not to enjoy strolling across this fantasy version of the continent, where countries are distilled down to a few iconic landmarks and attractions: England is Shakespeare and beer, represented by a replica Globe theatre and three bars, and presided over by a statue of Queen Victoria. Interestingly, it’s also neighbours with Russia – the English Sports Bar is dangerously close to the Mir space station – and they say Germans have no sense of humour …

A taste of New England at the Bell Rock, the only non-European themed hotel at the resort. Photograph: EuropaPark

Not that the rest of the park is geographically accurate. The Netherlands (windmills, Delft china teacup ride) is a stroll away from the fishing villages of Scandinavia, while Germany (half-timbered buildings, an original section of the Berlin wall) lies opposite Italy, the first European area to open back in 1981.

And the rides? From the terrifying Blue Fire (0-100km in 2.5 seconds) and the Silver Star (130kph) to the all-wood Wodan Timbur coaster, there’s enough to churn the stomach of the most dedicated thrill-seeker. Happily I was with my partner (a wuss like me) and young son, so I had the perfect excuse to avoid the fast and furious rides and instead spent two days swinging and swaying through various magical lands. In one day we swooped past the giant insects, toadstools and characters of Minimoys Kingdom (inspired by the movie Arthur and the Invisibles), raced around Silverstone (another feature of England land), took a ride in a hot air balloon, rode a gondola through lush parkland, and glided above the park on Leonardo da Vinci’s fantastical flying machine.

Aside from the rides there are numerous other distractions for young children, like splashing in fountains. Photograph: Isabel Choat for the Guardian

The height of our bravery was the Atlantica SuperSplash, a boat that rises 30m in the air before hurtling into a pool at 80kmh. We ended day one on the aptly named Oldtimer Fahrt, where my son took the wheel of a classic car with his fogey parents in the back.

By the end of day two we felt more courageous. While my partner got a soaking on the Poseidon water roller coaster, I braved Pegasus (minimum age 4), though I had to close my eyes and grip the safety bar for the entire two minutes of the ride.

On the Silverstone race track. Photograph: Isabel Choat for the Guardian

The Food Loop restaurant, where you order by touchscreen and your meal is delivered via rails, was more my kind of coaster. It was while we were watching our tomato spaghetti – safe inside a closed metal dish – and our (unopened) beers zoom down a spiral track that it struck me that our trip had not been the endurance test we’d feared; we’d had a brilliant time.

One major distinction between Europa-Park and many of its rivals is that it’s family-owned. The Macks have been in the fairground business for over 200 years. Forty years ago they decided to open a park to showcase their amusement rides – and they are still running it. This, according to communications director Jakob Wahl, explains the strong family focus that ensures as much imagination and investment is put into experiences for young children as into the high-profile thrill rides.

Between numerous whimsical rides, my son zipped about like a human pinball between fairytale houses with interactive story-telling and real craft workshops (Russia land), watched the daily parade of characters, hugged the Euromaus mascot, splashed about in a water play area and had to be dragged away from some water balloon catapults (one of the few attractions you have to pay extra for). Somehow we also managed to squeeze in two live shows of the 23 on offer: Return of the Black Knight (horses, jousting, stunts) in Spain, and Greece’s Surpr’Ice (skating, glitter, camp musical numbers).

It wasn’t as exhausting as it sounds. We were there in May half-term when German, French and Swiss kids are at school, so we never waited more than five minutes for a ride. And the layout of the park, with its mature trees, flowerbeds, canals, lakes and gardens – including the gardens of the original 15th-century castle around which the entire site is built – gives a sense of space you don’t get in your average steel and plastic park.

Watch a film with a virtual reality headset while riding the Pegasus rollercoaster. Photograph: Hans-Joerg Haas

If I had to pick a drawback it would be the food. The buffet dinner at the hotel Colosseo’s Antica Roma restaurant was suitably Roman in size but not particularly inspiring, and they could take some lessons from the Italians when it comes to coffee. But even then it seems churlish to complain about one restaurant when there are so many to choose from. We ate better on the second night, dining on well-flavoured chilli, steak and turkey at the Wild West-themed Camp Resort – yet another accommodation option, with tipis, wagons and log cabins plus a saloon, and firepits where a group of German school kids shared their marshmallows with my little boy. And if we’d been prepared to splash out we could have dined on the €95 four-course menu at the Michelin-starred Ammolite at the Bel Rock hotel.

Now that Europa-Park has opened an office in London and started to work with more UK tour operators it’s likely to attract more Brits. I can’t think of a more appropriate post-referendum attraction. A harmonious, fun Europe.

Way to go

The trip was provided by Europa-Park. For a family of four, two nights’ B&B at the Hotel Colosseo plus two days’ entry to the park costs €603 in winter (26 November-8 January) and €827 in summer (19 March-6 November). Day passes from €32.50 for children, €38.50 for over-12s and adults

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