If you've had an expensive $ 30, $ 40, $ 50 +++ saddle pilferedand need a cheap & not so alluring replacement, I have a coupleof crappy saddles salvaged from old wrecks.

An unattractive saddle is better than no saddle at all --- or keepit as a back-up --- hey ya never know !!!

For those too traumatized about their bad experience or paranoidabout losing another one, I'll take the trouble to chain it to theframe --- for an extra $ 5. But the basic installation is FREE.Most bike shops can chain it down for you --- usually the samecharge, 5 bucks.

"An unattractive saddle is better than no saddle at all." While there may be some riders with strange proclivities who feel otherwise, I think most of us will agree that truer words were never spoken. Consequently, it's comforting to know there's an individual who will not only soothe those "traumatized about their bad experience" (and really, what's more traumatizing than riding without a saddle?), but who is also available from 10:00am to midnight (!) to help ease your pain. In a time of great uncertainty, we can at least rest assured that there's a man named Joe in the West Village who is sitting by his phone every single day for fourteen hours straight just waiting for a call from some hapless saddle theft victim (or seatpost penetration victim).

Still, times are so bad that some people are seeking to soothe the pain of today with the balm of nostalgia. This cyclist, for example, is finding inspiration in the optimism of yesteryear:

"This is my first fixed gear bike, custom built by Vanguard Designs here in town. I told them I wanted a bike that was futuristic, but as if someone had designed it in 1983 thinking about the future."

Yes, while some people have more pedestrian requirements when they're purchasing a bicycle, such as "I need something I can ride to school," or, "I like red," this person's first priority was that his bicycle be ironically retro-futurist. Unfortunately for him, Vanguard Designs failed to pull it off. Rarely has a bicycle missed its mark as spectacularly as this.

First of all, nobody in 1983 could have imagined that the people of the future would ride bicycle saddles with taintal cutouts. Second of all, in order to think like a person would have in 1983, we have to understand 1983. This was a much simpler time, when many of the modern conveniences we take for granted today didn't even exist. The internet, grunge, synthetic underwear, hydrofoils, monotheism--none of these had been invented by 1983. And if you're wondering what cycling looked like in 1983, it looked like this:

I found this photograph using a popular search engine (the search engine was invented in 1992, shortly after the internal combustion engine), and as you can see it's actually sepia-toned, since color photography didn't exist yet either and people had to sepia-tone things to amuse themselves. However, Tony Randall did exist, and I'm reasonably certain that he's the person in the photo just ahead of Sideshow Bob:

But while 1983 was a prosaic, bland, sepia-toned time, the people of 1983 did have very vivid imaginations. As such, it's highly unlikely that someone in 1983 dreaming of a bike of the future would come up with something as dull as the Fixedgeargallery bike. I mean, moustache bars and time trial brake levers? They would have done much better than that. The movie "ET" had just been released the year before (Tony Randall's "Odd Couple" co-star Jack Klugman played the role of the alien to critical acclaim), and by 1983 it was widely considered a given that aliens would be living among us in the near future. So naturally, any future bike designed in 1983 would have included an alien basket:

Didn't Vanguard Designs do any research? Even Sideshow Bob's bike has an alien basket!

Moreover, while the people of 1983 didn't have grunge, or monotheism, or neckties, or hot and cold running water, or long division, they did have crabon fiber. After all, crabon fiber is a naturally-occuring substance, and by the 80s people were pulling tons of the stuff from the great crabon fiber mines of Dover, New Hampshire. Granted, it wasn't used widely like it is today, as you can see from this Race Face crabon fiber crank:

But certainly any futuristic space-aged concept bicycle would have somehow incorporated it. Forget lugged steel--a 1983 future bike would probably have looked more like this:

Furthermore, in 1983 the upright bicycle was widely regarded as being on the verge of obsolescence. Experts in the industry even went so far as to compare them to p-fars. Also, the barbers who diagnosed medical problems and performed bloodlettings believed that upright bicycles caused dropsy. So back then, the so-called "smart money" was on the recumbent, and if Vanguard Designs had really done their homework the Fixedgeargallery poster would be riding this:

Now that's a hell of a lot more ironically retro-futurist than a pair of blue hubs.

But there's one thing the simple folk of 1983 would never have imagined, and that is that one day derailleurs would fall out of favor and fixed-gears and singlespeeds would rule the Earth. Nonetheless, this has come to pass, and we now find ourselves trackstanding on the brink of the Fixed Gear Apocalypse. And horribly, a reader has informed me that in Swindon, England, there dwells a "Singlespeed Antichrist":

The foolhardiness with which this Alex Morton taunts the Alpaca is deplorable, and he's clearly cruising for a smiting. 96 speeds is four times as infuriating as a triple crank with an 8-speed cassette, and 4.363636363636363 times as infuriating as a double crank paired with a Campagnolo 11-speed cassette. (Even if he can rub the coveted 11-58 straight block.) Sure, he may be able to ride at speeds in excess of 53 miles per hour (though I'm guessing those are English miles per hour, which means he's only going like 20 American miles per hour), but it's still inexcusable. Even more horrifying, he doesn't even hold the gear record:

Immediately after reading about this, I realized I had to research Swindon, since it is evidently going to be the scene of the Fixed-Gear Armageddon. So I shut down my computer, headed to the library, went straight to a computer, and visited Wikipedia. There I learned that not only does "Swindon" mean "Pig Hill," but also that it is famous for its roundabouts and is also the home of the New Wave band XTC.

That last fact shook me to my core, for a closer inspection revealed that Alex Morton's 96-speed mostrosity is actually a Giant XTC:

And, as any astute theologian knows, arguably XTC's most popular song was the agnostic anthem "Dear God":

Clearly, evil forces are at work in Swindon, and it would seem that they have been working to cause anger on high and speed the End of Days since at least 1986.

Since I was alive in 1983, I can tell you firsthand of many accurate predictions from that era:

1. GRID is a gay-only disease of little consequence, no need to fund research.2. In the future, all clothing will likely be acid-washed, as this look is cool.3. Lycra jerseys will have shoulder pad inserts, and riding with sleeves pushed up to the elbows will rock.4. Oil will get cheaper, but cars will average 50-60mpg by 1989.5. Canada's "Men without Hats" will be inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of fame, right after Gino Vanelli.

A bike designed to look like it was designed in 1983 to be futuristic? That's what I'm listening for in music. Instead of a radio station that plays "golden oldies" or "classic rock", I keep hunting around for one that plays the music of the future. No luck yet, though and I don't know if I'm getting any closer.

Any bike from 1983 that is supposed to look like it's from the future is going to have all its components anodized in red, gold and blue, and sport a Haro number plate. That bike has none of those things.

Further proof that the common belief in 1983 was that aliens would be living among us: the television series V. Although it premiered in 1984, it was undoubtedly filmed in, and possibly prior to, 1983.

That show was creepy, especially the part about aliens getting wasted on sour milk.

I graduated High School in 1983 and while education and marijuana (marihuana) had just been invented two years prior, I still could have come up with something more inventive than that Singapore Sling of a fixtie in question...

It was the time when Brussels could sing;It was the time of the silent movies.It was the time when Brussels was king;It was the time when Brussels brustled.

Pick out a hat so dashing and gay;Go take a walk, it's a beautiful day.Put on your spats and your high-buttoned shoes.Get on the tram, get the gossip and news.

Not ... a time for crying.How ... the heart was flying.There was my grandfa-atherThere was my grandmo-otherHe, was a young soldierAnd she, was so much bolderHe had no brains; neither did sheHow bright could I turn out to be?Oh!

hey snob dont forget to look at the kids books next time you go to the pubic libary cause me and ricky are getting ready to go big time and put out a bunch of pomes about a spider who goes on welfare and gets a baby mama to lay a bunch of eggs its going to be called charlottes hood

nice thing about viper is that nothing changed since like 1978 everbody wears wife beeters and jeans even in the winter

and no one gots no shoes if yor tuff when you ride a bike you gets spd cleets tattood to yor feet im telling you that hurt almost as much as getting a new saddle nailed to my telscoping seatpost if you get where im going with it

It was the time when Brussels could sing;It was the time of the silent movies.It was the time when Brussels was king;It was the time when Brussels brustled.

Pick out a dress so dashing and gay;Go take a walk, it's a beau-ti-ful day.Put on your spats and your high-buttoned shoes.Get on the tram, get the gossip and news.

Not ... a time for cryingHow ... the heart was flyingThere was my grandfa-atherThere was my grandmo-otherHe, knew how to do itAnd she, she let him do itThey lived in sin - deliciously.Now they pray for my vir-gin-i-tyOh!

Geez, I've created a monster with this 1st comment thing! And I don't think "there's a picture of a seat" really cuts it Kale... read the post first! I'd give it to Daddo for "taintal cutouts".5 bucks to lock a seat to a bike? I'm gonna try that at work today; "there's your saddle, and would you like me to lock it to your bike for you?"

the future is now!in march 1983 us patent#4376394 was issued to one Fernand S. Lapeyre of New Orleans La. for the manually operable multi-speed bicycle transmission employing three gears in the rear hub making the 96 speed bicycle the future bike circa 1983

1000 gears? That's the record? Couldn't you argue that continuous transmissions for bikes offer a number of "gears" approaching infinity, and therefore trump these bikes with an absurd number of discrete gears?

I'd like to see BSNYC lodge a formal complaint with the Guiness Book of World Records.

Alternately, someone could tell Tony Ellsworth that he has a claim on the record with his Nuvinci continuous transmission. The lawyers will be on it in no time.

I have to admit it would be awesome to see a bike with an 11-speed cassette mounted to a Rohloff hub, and a 4-ring crank and front derailleur with a planetary gear in the crank as well. By my count that would be 1232 gears... a world record setter!

Hate to break it to you, but the Nuvinci is not truly an infinitely geared transmission. Those oversize roller bearings that they employ as their "gears" inevitably have an upper, discrete, limit to their roundness. If you break it down to the atomic, or even subatomic level, there has to be quantization of a gear ratio in there (not to mention the fact that one is controlling it with a mechanical lever and cable, which has its own limits).

It's still probably much greater than 1000 gears, but certainly not infinite.

Hence my "approaching infinite" qualification. If Tony Ellsworth can convince the patent office that his "ICT" suspension is different from Specialized's "FSR," then *ANYTHING* is possible.

Another brainstorm has yielded an even larger number of gears- 11 speed cassette on a Rohloff mated to a DH-style 8-speed internal gearbox up front with a regular 3 ring crank and front derailleur. 3696 gears!

I think only one kid had a MTB in '82 - which really was a beach cruiser with a derailuer. All the others were SE & GT bmx, maybe a couple Haro Freestylers - and then the older guys aspiring to make the 7-11 team, fueled by watching Breaking Away. It took Kevin Bacon a couple more years to make everyone want to become messengers-wait, that never happened.........Maybe it was Puck from the first Real World........ nope.

Maybe my shop can make a bike that stirs the historic leap Fonzie made with the testosterone ladden Cippo (80's era) with a bit of whatit takes to be hip in 2010 (2009 will be refered to as a transitional year for hipsters and fixed gears).

First, I am heartened that Joe is hawking distressed saddles at $9 Firm. An unfirm saddle just leads to chaffing.

Second, thinking about the future in the early '80s, too often led to adorable tweens crooning "Tomorrow" from the smash Broadway hit "Annie." Do we really need the bicycling equivalent? Haven't we suffered enough?

Third, I don't remember what was third. I got distracted. Awww look, a kitty eating cheese....

What's going on in Swindon these days?? This is the second Swindon/bike story I've seen this week. The first, of course, being Robbie Williams checking out a Bianchi at Red Planet Bikes (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1131544/No-isnt-stick-Im-Robbie-Williams-I-want-buy-bicycle-.html). There's an interesting picture of the bike Robbie was looking at. Despite coming from Red Planet, there's no provision for the transportation of martians, but the guy holding the bike looks like he has a bit of an alien haircut. Personally I'd rather have the t-shirt, since Orange t-shirts are as rare as very rare things over there in NYC and mine are just about falling apart.

Man, how I remember those days - putting leeches on saddlesores to bring the swelling down, and suffering with terrible marthambles from the pickle juice in my bidon. Ahhh, for my good old sepia tone safety bi-cycle.

Color photography was indeed available in the 80s; the 80s themselves were sepia toned. You can see the backlash that came with the implementation of color in the psychological thriller musical "Purple Rain"

...bluenoser & commiecanuck came down from canukistan...blue w/ the 'boston whaler' decal & commie had what i thought was a homeless guy in tow (damn...who knew gino vanelli's career hit the skids that bad ???)...

...bsnyc was there (& he doesn't look a thing like that 'rtms approve' poster, for those of you suffering from a "what's he look like" identity crisis) conspiring in a corner w/ erik k...another artistic collabo, perchance ???...

...i think that was frilly waiting outside on the stoop for andy pandy but he was early or late depending on yer perspective of the international date line///time space continuum thingy...

...it was a nice touch that 'the urch' (we were calling him that 'cuz of his new found fame) didn't invite even one "anon", be they am or pm, to the party...& prolly made cool name tags for us all...

...while it was great to meet micheal phelps (jeezus, he can suck down a lotta bong smoke w/ those big swimmers lungs !!!) i feel a little bad 'cuz he got so hammered i ended up in the spare bedroom (where everybody's jackets were piled up) "gettin' crown" from his girlfriend (thank you, baby, call me...867-5309)...

...anyway...it was a fun little get together & i'm sorry if ya missed it...

While it is true that I adore Andy Pandy, he does keep me waiting for hours.

Oh, and, btw, AP, I'm not pulling out of anything. I got my times today and not too bad for a first effort. Although in true tri-geek form, my biggest snafu was in transition one. Do you know how hard it is to put on a bra when you're wet?!?

...& while i'm no triathlete & i certainly wouldn't propose to speak for andy pandy, i do know how "easy" it is to get a bra 'off' a woman when she's wet...didn't need much training to learn that maneuver...instinct, really...

...anon 6:23pm...we tried to send out invitations but w/ so many of you, well...

Upon further reflection... that sepia, Tony Randall doppleganger appears to be 'rockin' a cross tyre, skinny leg jeans and what looks like some expensive Rapha gear. That's got to be a set up shot, no way that's 1983.

Joe = Financially challenged call centre jock who works Night Shift and has no life.

I thought that the crabon fibre mines had been closed some years on due to mesothemia , via union OHS based action, until the invention of cheap third world labour markets made crabon a reality again for the cash flushed masses of non caring cyclists.

You would think in any futuristic design that the chain line length might not replicate Interstate One. Think of the evil crosses that you could set up, and double up as a chain saw that you could contract cut wood whilst on a ride. Nice to see that they Cycling magazine is examining all the hot issues…. Pregnancy and Riding

Driven by cosmic symmetry would not the perfect number of spacers on a Seven would be seven. That would make all those dinner party dandies swoon when talking about their latest acquisition

Frills….. if you have any further difficulties in transition putting on the brassiere then I can postulate that A/. several of our friends here will assist you or

I can't believe I'm getting into this, being a podium hater and all, but the 1st real comment thing shall be called the 1st PRC (Post-Related Comment). The comment shall be made only after reding the entire post, and then you can make a comment. Not just something like "wow, that bike has an infinite amount of gears", but something poignant or at least attempting to embellish the Snob's post. There, looks like we got us some rules! Oh fuck, somebody kill me, I obviously have no life...

this reminds me of a running curiosity/prediction we have been having of when in the coming days/years will will the purist multi-speed riders rise up against the overwhelming abundance of electric shifting bikes?? 5 years? 10, 20??? how long will it take to trickle down to the entry level? 10 years ago 9 speed was fresh and new, and most suspension forks had tubes of rubber inside of them, now we have 11 speeds and the brain shock. its only a matter of time... cable shifting is so 90's

..."taint misbehavin' ???"...come in & have one of our technicians custom cut-out a saddle to fit you & your taint...

...while our competitors still use plaster casts for measurement, we've upgraded to a new ultra-laser system which will measure you in 64 different directions...innies, outties, smooth, lumpy, phallic or vaginac......we're here to address both your private(s) & personal needs...

...disclaimer::: any & all rumors of nasty taintal laser burns were perpetrated by jealous competitors...one exception does not a pattern make & the doctor emphasis's that the patient has a 63% chance of riding at least a recumbent within a few more years...

The only moustache bars in 1983 belonged to hall-of-famer Rollie Fingers. Although he took the 1983 season off because of an arm injury, he apparently appeared on Family Feud that year, where host Richard Dawson led the crowd in a chorus of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game." So, yeah, I can see why someone would want to acknowledge that special moment with his choice in handlebars. I guess Snob didn't pick up on that pretty obvious reference.

1000 Gears? If there's no "one chain" requirement, that's pretty lame. I can design that 5hit in my head right now. 3 rings up front, 3 10-speed cassettes connected tandem style w/deraillers = 3000 gears. What kind of a weak record is that? Boston tall-bike dudes: get on this immediately.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!