I chronicle nonsense, mostly about the news, sometimes about pop culture. If you don't think it's nonsensical, then yell at me in the comments.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Inevitable Fall, Rise, and Triumph of Yorick Stardust

Greetings, readers. Your battle-worn bard must step away
from the recent rants about the nonsense of the world to focus on a home-borne
tale of woe and whimsy. This, friends and enemies, is the tale of the
Inevitable Fall, Rise, and Triumph of Yorick Stardust!

You may recall my tales of Yorick
the Short. He has been mentioned many times in the annals of the Chronicles
of Nonsense, all the way from the beginning. He is the Squire Specialist who
does the work of four full squires. He has three levels of professional certifications
in our primary function: the creation of paths and castles for other kingdoms. He
is only hours away from acquiring his Bachelor of Science in Tomfoolery. Though
everyone depended on him to do ALL the work in the kingdom, he still was treated
with disrespect, for his Tomfoolery degree was not yet at hand…Also, lord who
supervised him is ShaqsDad the Destroyer. Yorick asked for little; only respect
and acknowledgement for all his feats. Instead, the lords, and some to the
squires chose to only use him for corporate sodomy after carrying the group for
the many moons that he has been here. He only asked that he be allowed to put
on lipstick before they f***ed him, but they instead used a sand and tobacco sauce
lube to make the f***ing less pleasurable:

The first nail had been told, in his venture to the City
of Sin. No one fought to keep him in Morondor.

Yorick suggested that one of his former colleagues from when
he was a sea-faring warrior be allowed to work in the Kingdom. They did so!
Welcome: Bradley, Master of Bad Punnery. Bradley was hired as a Squire
Specialist 4. Yorick is a Squire Specialist 2. Bradley knows slightly less than
Yorick. WTF? Nail 2.

The Counsel of Squires is an annual event, where all squires
of Morondor are reviewed and either admonished or praised for their feats. Traditionally,
an extra pouch of gold or promotion is in order. Yorick’s was filled with praise
beyond all. He was told were it not for his accomplishments, our sector of the
Kingdom would surely fall to the dank dungeons of Morondor. For his
accomplishments, he was awarded with a promotion! ...wait, no he wasn’t! ShaqsDad
“forgot” to submit the Parchments of Promotion to the Kingdom’s HR department.
No promotion, even though he deserved it! Nail 3.

In the Counsel, Yorick asked, “Well, when I finally acquire
my Bachelor of Tomfoolery, shall I at least be promoted to full Squire?” His
lord responded, “No, we cannot do that, because [insert steaming pile of dragon
dung here]”…it was not known exactly what was said, because it did not matter.
None of it made sense. Nail 4.

So Yorick asked, “Do I at least get an extra packet of gold
for the year?” Again, the answer was no. Instead of giving a large pouch of
gold to Yorick, ShaqsDad thought it would be smarter to distribute the pouch of
gold amongst all the brand new squires, none of whom have really proven themselves
yet, one of whom we all KNOW is probably only slightly smarter than burlap.
Nail 5.

Yorick decided to look inside the Kingdom for another
opportunity, partially because he could only take so much sodomy, and partially
because he wanted to see if anyone would care. He told his lord of his venture
to another part of Morondor, and his lord did not raise much of an eyebrow.
Yorick supposed this meant he did not care, or perhaps he thought Yorick would
not leave such a nice position. Yorick got an offer within a week, and THAT’S
when maelstrom hit our serfdom. THAT is when there was empty talk of
counter-offers. THAT’S when people acted like they care. Nail 6.

Yorick did not take the offer from
the other realm of the Kingdom, and all lords thought that meant he enjoyed the
sodomy here so much that he could not leave. Oh, smug looks on their faces were
wide and shining, like they had all just got laid by Angela Bassett. ShaqsDad
had the largest grin. What they did not know was that Yorick had also applied
to a completely different kingdom: the Kingdom of Cisc. Cisc offered him a role
in their kingdom that nearly tripled his gold intake via flying monkey. He was
merely waiting for the parchment to come, and one fortnight prior, it did.
Yorick shall leave the kingdom of Morondor today, and shall work for the Kingdom
of Cisc come next fortnight. Finally, Yorick got to sodomise his sodomites. He
did not use lipstick either. The squires who respect him quietly rejoiced.

This is a sad day for the Kingdom
of Morondor; for we will lose one Yorick, and it angers some that it all could
have been avoided. However, the lords in charge of the squires are too addicted
to sodomising all those in their employ with tobacco sauce lube that they could
not stop for one minute to try to keep their best squire…I’m sorry; “squire
SPECIALIST”. Fare thee well, Yorick. You shall be missed dearly by those who
know your worth.

…Aren’t you glad I got through
this whole post without making some sort of “Alas, poor Yorick…” pun?