Coping with Retirement

Retirement often makes people feel useless and worthless, but a change of perspective can turn that around.

My husband and I are together 24–7. He is retired and does not have a lot of interests. I try to stay busy, yet want to include him in my life and to meet his needs. Please give me your wisdom.

Retirement is a difficult passage to negotiate. For one, we live in a capitalistic society where"productivity" is the primary value, and to that end"making money" is the measure of a person's success. Given this perspective, as long as one is hustling in the marketplace, there is an illusion of a sense of purpose.

My father-in-law, of blessed memory, a very wise rabbinic counselor, advised his aging constituents to slow down, but never to retire. He maintained that for most people giving up what was their only source of gratification could throw them into a downward spiral of ultimately feeling useless and depressed.

Consider Sherri whose father had been a prominent physician. He suffered a debilitating heart attack. The practice of medicine was no longer an option for him. But medicine was all he knew. He had never cultivated any other interest in life and when the context of his single focus was no longer viable, his life fell apart and he lost his desire to live.

PERSPECTIVE ON MORTALITY

One of the basic underlying currents of our society's obsession and frenzied pre-occupation with"work" is the lack of perspective on death and mortality.

A comedian once commented that in our society death appears to be optional, or put another way,"he doesn't mind dying as long as he doesn't have to be there when it happens."

Since we don't have a handle on our mortality, we deal with it by distracting ourselves.

Since we don't have a handle on our mortality, we deal with it by distracting ourselves. Work, careers, making money, and being"successful" are all convenient and often desperate ways of deluding ourselves into thinking that we can escape the inevitable.

This may appear to work as long as we are marketable, in our prime years, and still have the requisite physical energy. However, when the retirement years set in, and we are bereft of our busy routine, the exits are closed; facing our mortality becomes inescapable. We find ourselves staring at a massive bridge to be crossed with no tools or mechanism in place.

THE JEWISH VIEW

In contrast to the current youth-oriented society, Judaism has always venerated its elders. It was understood that age brought with it wisdom and valuable experience. The Torah states:

Remember the days of old, consider the years of many generations; ask your father, and he will show you; your elders, and they will tell you. (Deut. 32:7)

Jews were enjoined to rise in respect before their elders, and the older the sage, the greater was the honor accorded to him. Deference to age was mandatory.

My parents, of blessed memory, use to visit us in Milwaukee twice each year. Their first stop enroute from the airport was to the home of my elderly mother-in-law. My father suffered from heart disease and the trip was not an easy one for him, but he always insisted on making this first and primary stop because, as he put it, tradition demanded that we show respect and deference to those of advanced age.

Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetsky, a luminary of our time, was once on a plane flying from New York to Israel accompanied by a grandson. The youth tirelessly propped up the great rabbi's pillow, served him drinks, and generally fussed over him the entire trip. A fellow traveler had observed the unbelievable care and attention given by the grandson with such love and reverence to his grandfather.

Near the conclusion of the flight, with awe in his voice, the traveler asked how, in our day and age, it was possible to achieve a relationship of such deference from the young to the elderly. Rabbi Yaakov responded by telling the fellow traveler that the finest moment in collective Jewish history was the revelation at Mount Sinai, the giving of the Torah more than 3300 years ago. Hence, from a Jewish perspective, the closer in proximity one is to that source and defining event, the loftier and more spiritually exalted and connected is the person.

One who sees his ancestor as descending from the ape, sees himself as the advanced model.

Therefore, explained Rabbi Yaakov, the younger generations look with great regard to those who preceded them. In contrast to that view, one who sees his ancestor as descending from the ape, sees himself as the advanced model, worthy of greater esteem than his elder. It all depends on your point of departure, Rabbi Yaakov concluded.

Inherent in this perspective is that there is more to life then the current value of"making a living." In fact, inherent in our Jewish legacy is the highest regard for family life, connecting with others, giving charity, giving of oneself, studying Torah and learning the principles of our tradition. These are the real substance of life.

If one incorporates and cultivates these time-honored values as lifetime pursuits one would not feel as diminished when the need to retire from the work force is mandated. Conversely, the singular focus on"work" to the exclusion of the cultivation of other values and pursuits can be devastating on what should be the"golden" and"harvest" years of one's life.

SOME ADVICE

In coping with a retired husband, it is important to understand that he has a very difficult adjustment to make. A man's identity in our society is very closely related to his"work" and the loss of that"productive" stage in life is unsettling at best; this"stage" can be diminishing and devastating in terms of his feelings of self-worth. He needs more than ever to feel that he is still a desirable, functioning, and contributing member of the human race.

Towards this end, a wife can either"make him or break him." She needs to guard against confirming his greatest fears that his presence and his very existence are superfluous and a burden.

Here is some practical advice:

Even though he maintains that he has no interest, in deference to her wishes and desires, husband and wife could take a class together (spirituality, art, music, etc.). Encourage him to volunteer in places that would allow him to use or develop his specific talents, for example, tutoring remedial students, serving at food pantries, etc.

While excessive nudging and nagging in a spousal relationship doesn't work, it might be helpful to do some discreet inquiry and maneuvering behind the scenes. Consult a rabbi or the head of outreach centers or men's groups about your husband. Perhaps they can solicit his participation in either learning one on one, teaching, or whatever activities they might see as beneficial for him.

Family is always important, but at this stage in life it can be a soothing balm for the hurting psyche.

Family is always important, but at this stage in life it can be a soothing balm for the hurting psyche. If there are no biological grandchildren,"adopt" a grandchild. Set up time to spend in a park, playing ball, swimming, etc. These activities can infuse life with newfound energy and purpose.

Finally, I would like to share an encounter that shakes me up each time I think of it even though it actually took place more than 30 years ago. I was young and newly married. Martha, a cousin of my husband's came to visit from England. She was an elegant aristocratic woman who was ordinarily very formal and reserved in her behavior. I was, therefore, surprised to find her in my kitchen one morning. She began to tell me about Harold, her late husband. He was a wonderful, gentle, and kindly man. She was the"strong" one in the family and he always deferred to her. She ran the show and he never demanded anything from her. She went about, day-to-day busily attending to the"important" things in her life, fully expecting that some day she would focus and spend more time with Harold, who she assumed would always be there. There didn't seem to be any urgency.

Then, without warning and totally unexpectedly, one day he collapsed and died. I can still hear her sobs these many years later. "Feigele," she cried,"I can perhaps come to terms with the fact that he died prematurely and left me alone, but I am haunted and inconsolable that I took him and his presence for granted. I will never forgive myself for not taking the time to tell him how much he meant to me."

I would remind the reader that while having a husband around 24-7 can be trying, that she not lose sight of the bigger picture. Many interests in life appear to be terribly significant, but the greatest gift by far is the presence and companionship of a spouse. Indeed, we must confront our issues, but at the same time we must work hard not to allow our"busy" schedules to obscure our greatest blessing.

About the Author

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 8

(8)
Diann,
July 28, 2013 5:48 AM

Having the companionship of our spouse is the greatest gift of all.

Thank you for that reminder. I have taped it to my memory and will think about it daily.

(7)
Anonymous,
January 23, 2005 12:00 AM

Thanks for your wonderful analysis.

(6)
Anonymous,
December 24, 2002 12:00 AM

retirement--living with a retired spouse 7/24

your comments about living with a retired husband sounds great--but what happens when your husband refuses to do anything with you..but makes you feel guilty for doing your own things such as going to shiurs, volunteer work, part-time work one day a week, doing exercise at the y, plus visiting one's mother once a week who lives an hour away and sometimes baby-sitting for ones grandchildren. I do all this to keep me mentally healthy. I have lots of friends with the same problem.

(5)
Leah Abramowitz,
November 28, 2001 12:00 AM

Great

Dear REbbezen Faige,
I found your article very important. I work with the elderly as a social worker and administrator, and many of your comments are right on! If you come to Israel please contact me, and maybe you could give a lecture at one of our courses.

(4)
Anonymous,
November 26, 2001 12:00 AM

My sister just lost her husband

How she would envy you!

(3)
balbir kharay,
October 27, 2001 12:00 AM

Be thankful before it is too late.

Reading your article is like taking the right step in your life. There is a wonderful message in each of your article which I really enjoy reading.

(2)
Lorraine Cohen,
September 24, 2001 12:00 AM

A Great article!

Your article had special meaning to me. Thank Gd, my husband is doing just what you have suggested - and it works! I'm greatful for the time we have together - and for the "space" that I also have!

(1)
elida kirshner,
September 23, 2001 12:00 AM

help to go onn

After 28 years of loyal work,the company I was working for just sent us home.We even didn't get any money that we were supoused to.I,' 50 years old.To young for retirement and to old for just a job.It's incredible how bad and nothing can u feel when something like that happens to u.It's very hard to keep u going.Such a shock that we were not prepared for.Pain indescriptible.Big offense and suddenly u think if it was worth all the sacrifice u did to be good at what u were doing.I's a sad fight not to get into a nervous breakdown.Even voluntier yourself u think twice because u need the money u can earn at thesame time.pls help me with an idea,and a confortant word.Please tell me will have better times.Sorry, may be it's not exactly direct your articule but very close the feeling.thanks for your attention.wish to get some response from u.shalom hatima tova.elida.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...