"Erroneous: Based on or containing an error, to be mistaken, wrong, incorrect or inaccurate."

Since my married name is Roney, I find this funny. I've often commented when something in my husband's family differs from that of my own understanding, that it is "erRONEYous"... But I'm not above being erRONEYous myself. I married into it.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Disney week 9: Revealed. The raw truth.

Written: Wed, Dec 5, 2012

So, we have made it to the end, and are coming to a close on this life altering journey. As I reviewed the weeks prior to this one, all of the signs were there. I started out strong and optimistic. Things began to get tough but I put a smile on my face and muscled through it. Calamity struck, but I tried to laugh it off and kept going.

Things were getting pretty tough and I found myself lonely and questioning what to do next. I had to re-evaluate why I was here and what I was going to do about it. The façade was gone; this job is hard and the experience isn’t much like I’d anticipated it would be. Then I dropped the “everything will work out for the best” act and talked about the screw ups I’d made, and how that was affecting my performance and ability to persevere.

Finally, the confessions of how my health had been playing a major role in preventing me from reaching the potential this opportunity had afforded me.

I didn’t make it all the way through this experience without a complete mental and physical breakdown.

I feel ashamed that I shared so much of the unhappiness of this experience. But I am also glad because there would be no way to capture the raw feelings and the truth behind them without doing so in the moment.

So what happened?

Well, my breakdown culminated in the medical result of a miscarriage. I am no longer or not pregnant.

*long pause*

Sorry to share something so personal with you. But it is the truth and is not of little consequence.

Everyone at work have been so kind, and more than fair in their treatment of me. Either out of mercy or punishment they cut the remaining hours for my final two weeks to a handful of working days. I have gratefully accepted this, and it is only because of the eased burden that I can even consider sticking it out one last week instead of packing it in now and running home with my tail between my legs.

The tragedy and perhaps irony (it’s so hard to determine irony sometimes) of the situation is that now that I’m about done with the program, and after all of the sadness, that I actually get to shine.

It is only now that the nausea and everything is gone. I no longer feel constantly ill. I have grown confident in certain recipes and tasks that I am more familiar with, so my proficiency and speed have increased.

This passed week, I finished the spot in record time and impressed even the fastest worker with my speed. I haven’t made any mistakes to note, and I haven’t been tardy. There was even a day when I arrived early and was told they’d changed my schedule, so I wasn’t even scheduled that day. So I finished my Christmas shopping and spent the rest of the day at The Magic Kingdom while I had the chance.

I am so very thankful for the courtesy afforded to me in what appears to be an opportunity to finish out my program.

Everyone one else here seems to be surprised that my allotted time out here was so short by comparison to the average term. But I have never been more thankful for this because I know I would not last a day longer, much less six more weeks.

As a coworker put it, “This experience has been different [for me] than most, and not for the best. But part of being a professional is to get back in there and follow through despite the consequences.”