Bali has had a pretty bad wrap lately and I get it, cheap Indonesian province, relaxed liquor laws, pretty sunsets, the island is bound to attract a lot of miscreants and due to some ridiculously cheap flights (like grocery shopping bill cheap) I recently found myself there.

My Mother, bless her heart, called me the night before to lecture me about my drinking, telling me the old ‘no glove no love’ speal, not to eat chicken and she also mentioned to stay the fuck away from the animals, because you know, they can like, attack and possibly kill you.

So I came to Bali thinking I was pretty much going to get methanol poisoning, end up losing a few kilograms on the dunny and that a monkey was probably going to launch out of a dumpster and bite me on the neck and give me rabies, however when I got to Bali I was humbly surprised.

What I found was hipster cafes, which challenge those of West End Brisbane, fresh food and amazing lounge bars, quaint mild mannered local people and modern art.

Yeah, there is that group of usually Australian degenerates screaming “Where’s me Bintang at cu*t”, wearing Bounty Nightclub headbands and generally being arseholes to the lovely Balinese people.

Someone once told me that travel makes a wise man better and a fool worse, so my advice is, rather than surrounding yourself with wankers, just avoid where they frequent entirely. So being the helpful sod I am, here is a list of some of my favourite eating and drinking places to check out in Bali:

1. Potato Head Beach Club Bali (Seminyak)

Source: www.ptthead.com

The ultimate place to chill-out, tan and get boozey. The food was divine and a fresh coconut saved me from a hectic hangover, seriously I owe that coconut. Potato Head is both a restaurant and poolside cocktail lounge, laid-back beats get you into the holiday spirit and service right to your day bed keep the drinks flowing.

If you’re looking to hook-up, hanging by the swim up bar is my best advice, like the peeping tom I am, I watched an orgy get lined up around the pool bar, which I might add was really enthralling, so if you’re a swinger this just might be your haven, or maybe I was just there on a particularly pervy day.

Prices are about on par with restaurants in Australia, however the service is amazing and the staff are really attentive, you really do get what you pay for. If you are on a budget, maybe just buy one cocktail and take a whole heap of selfies with it, which is exactly what I did with the aforementioned coconut.

2. Sky Garden (Kuta)

This place is pretty good if you just want to get belligerently drunk and dance to doof doof. Guaranteed a hook up of your not too worried about standards. Also, lack of health & safety standards mean there is fireworks and laser beams all over the joint. Top bar with chiller music and shisha was where we mostly hung, that is until some dickhead from Sydney spilt my friend’s drink on me, luckily I was wearing pleather and should just wipe that shit down, but gosh wankas back home turn into megaton wankas in Bali. Fact.

3. The Woo Bar (Seminyak)

Source: www.ultimatebali.com

I got an architectural boner over this place. Brisbanites, think if Cloudland and The Met had a baby, and that baby grew up way cooler than its parents, moved to a beach and got on steroids, this would be Woo Bar.
Music is pretty good, lazy lounge bar music into more dance stuff at night, also they get in a lot of international DJs on a weekly basis, so if you want to get down on a dance floor to sexy music whilst being surrounded by Christian Grey doppelgängers this is definitely your haunt.
Also, being located just a bit down the street from Potato Head, you are treated to the same incredible sunset.

4. Sea Circus

Source: www.seacircus-bali.com

This café is the cutest! Food has a little bit of a Mexican feel, however it isn’t over done, rather than falling into the rabbit hole a lot of Mexican restaurants do and dousing their food in cheese and sauce, Sea Circus offers a fresh take on the cuisine.

I lived another day Bali Belly free, winning!

Oh and the Bathroom looks like it is a winning room from The Block. What can I say; I am a sucker for a circle mirror with lights around it.

5. Rockbar

Source: www.ayanaresort.com

Epic Bar located within the prestigious Ayana Resort boasting (once again) incredible views. This place fills up quick, so get in around 4:00pm or run the risk of missing the sunset while you’re bitching in the massive line.

Pricewise this is probably one of the most expensive places we visited, I recommend getting a Lady Island – which is pretty much a truck load of liquor and a few berries, you’ll be in flavour country.

Probably not the best place for a hook up because it isn’t all that social with everyone pretty much sticking to their groups. So if you are looking to get some D, or even to put some P in a V, or many Vs for that matter, maybe just get onto Bali tinder and organise to taste some of the local produce back to your sex den (aka hotel room).