Very Amusing

A buddy linked me to this blog today that can be found at hardcasual.net. It outlines CliffyB's "badass plan to save new games journo" and while not written by Cliff Blesinki himself, there is some really awesome and funny stuff here. I actually laughed out loud when I read point number 2.

2.) Try Out My Kick Ass Moccasins: Man, it takes so long to make a game. It's srsly tuff and ruff work. And not everyone who makes a game gets Lambos--sad, but true. Heck, some don't even get honeys. So when you review, consider all the blood and sweat and other manly and girly stuff these dudes and dudetttes put into the product. Give the game a fair shake. You know, like the doctor does in a sports physical. Kidding. What can I say, I'm in it for the LOLs.

You know you want to read the rest after the break. This is definitely getting added to the X Button blogroll.

How did I, Cliff Blezinski, become CliffyB? Kitchen-squats. And when Cliffy B didn't bed a dozen women a night, what'd he do? Juiced pheromones out of dominant apes and slurped them like a friggin Diet Soda.

Cliffy B takes action. So when folks get upset about New Games Journalism, the Cliffster fixes it. He fixes it because he cares. He fixes it and runs twenty miles to tame his gluts and then he fixes it again.

Here's the Cliffster's badass plan.

The Cliffster's Badass Plan to Fix New Games Journo in Ten Really Friggin Easy Steps:

10.) The Friggin Secret: No secret that if you want something like say a thoughtful feature or sweet exclusive you just have to envision it as a reality. When I decided to become a super-duper-megastar I painted a mural on my living room wall of myself standing atop a mountain top made of platinum ice. I had a goblet in one hand, a babe in the other, and, across my chest, a necklace of elf ears. Since then, I've secured two out of those three items. I'm sure you minions can guess which two.*

9.) Perk Up or Shut Up: Demand your boss pay you appropriately. Studies run by the Cliff Institute of Kickassology show that journos work harder when they get a fair deal. Don't have a boss? Fine, The Cliff's your Boss now. For every blog post you'll get a gold lancer. For every blog post about Dude Huge you'll get a Lambo.

8.) Read Thy Neighbor: Plenty of great games writers both big and small. Read them. Support them. The favor shall be returned. So Cliffy has said. So it shall be.

7.) Save the Trash Talk for Horde Mode: No need to pick on your fellow bros, Broseph. Let the journos be journos, and journo all day about journo stuff. If you think they care too much about Mega Man 9's retro revival, or that shooting zombies in RE5 can be seriously whack, that's fine. Dag yo, they might completely misunderstand GoW 2's Garden State-esque narrative. But that's their own [crap]-factory to work through.

Still want to fight 'em? Cool, but let me recommend you two punk it out in some "horde to the gorde" multiplayer (preferably in a game that has guns equipped with chainsaws! Vrrrm-mm-m, amirite?!).

6.) Don't Prognosticate Too Fast and Make a Gooey Mess: We all know a game generally gets like four months of hype and then the bash fest starts, but don't hate because you want to be the first to backlash, srsly. It may be hard for you little minions to believe, but The Cliffster has plenty of experience with this problem. Sometimes people--angry people that deserve a Cliffy chop--tell me, "Cliffy, everybody else may think your games are cool, but I don't like your games because they're stupid."

That's dumb. My games are sweet. Everyone likes them. And even if my games weren't perfect (they are), only lameos hate something just because other peeps like it. If you got to hate the Cliffy, then give thoughtful and insightful reasons why you personally hate the Cliffy. Capiche?

5.) Express Yourself: So, hot shot, you've sat down to bash out a killer review that's going to make you the next friggin Junot Diaz, but you're shooting mad blanks because this game you've got to critique is not as easy-peasy to thoughtfully criticize as, say, Dude Huge's latest friggin masterpiece. Don't cut corners by simply jotting down the bullet points on the back of the box. Think your review through to the max. Then think it through again. Figure out why and how this game impacted you or why and how it left you wanting more.

Here's a personal example: In Gears 2, when you have that daydream about Maria, that's impactful [fecal matter]. It definitely takes the drama over the top, and makes Gears 2 bigger, badder, and more tear jerkier than Gears 1. Like You Got Mail did for Sleepless in Seattle.

In your review, you want to mention a moment like that flashback or any other moment that moved you positively or negatively. Say something like, "My favorite thing used to be a hot roast beef sandwich immediately following coitus, but now it's totally the Maria side story in the Gears campaign. Maria and Dom have a bond so strong diamonds can't cut it. Not even diamonds with lasers and [defecation]. I love it because..." OK, that's rough, but you get the point. If something effects you, speak the frack up.

Also, if the game's stale and bland and dumb that doesn't mean you need to be stale and bland and dumb. Nor does it mean you should be needlessly cruel. Use a negative review to show some kindhearted wit and personality. It works for Ebert, and look at him. Dude doesn't travel by Lambos; dude friggin takes honeys to six star dinners by jet pack.

4.) Treat Words Like Lovers, Be Picky: If you don't choose your words carefully you will [urinate] off readers and they will leave unproductive comments like "U R MR GAY." Even if you are Mr. Gay, which is totally fine, you want a discussion in the comments, not aggressive statements.

For example, say a journo writes, "I think CliffyB's friggin neat and he does neat stuff." In reality, the journo knows I'm fan-friggin-tastic, I have perfect hair, and I make for a solid best friend. Now, don't be verbose, but try to express yourself entirely and concisely with charm and wit. And if you're lucky, your readers will want to be your friggin best friend too.

3.) Stand Up to The Dude: When it comes to reviews, nobody gives a score, but you. Not an ad firm, not the fans. You. (And sometimes me. I like to grade myself. In the mirror.) Express how you personally feel, not how you think you should feel. Don't let hype, previews and other journos' opinions effect your score. It's all you, dude. Er, Dude You!

2.) Try Out My Kick Ass Moccasins: Man, it takes so long to make a game. It's srsly tuff and ruff work. And not everyone who makes a game gets Lambos--sad, but true. Heck, some don't even get honeys. So when you review, consider all the blood and sweat and other manly and girly stuff these dudes and dudetttes put into the product. Give the game a fair shake. You know, like the doctor does in a sports physical. Kidding. What can I say, I'm in it for the LOLs.

1.) Ignore The Dude Huge: What do I know? Listen up Brosephs and Brosephines, just because people make Cliffy-shrines and Cliffy-statues don't make me a friggin God. Not yet.

You want to write a good review, write what feels right for you. Not for anyone else. Not even for the Dude. If you write well and with passion and with care and with skill, the fans will come.

And I would know, dude, because that's how I make my games.

Cliffster out.

• For the uninitiated, I have the goblet and elf ears.

(Obviously, this was in no way written by Cliff Blezinski, nor does it represent his opinion.)

And now for something completely different

This song should bring back some memories for Tony Hawk's Pro Skater vets, this guy kills it on the drums