An Open Letter to Bill O’Reilly

After twenty years of bloviating about Judeo-Christian values, it turns out you were quietly subverting just about all of them. Which is fine. Outrageous hypocrisy is a great American pastime, and though your time has now passed, you had a nice run there for a while making angry white Long Islanders angrier. But you may have crossed one line too many recently when you said you were “mad at God” for what happened to you.

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I am not here to judge you. No human being who hasn’t been groped, grossed out, molested, harassed, threatened or raped by you—and there are still a few of us left—has any right to do so. Fortunately, the same Judeo-Christian theological system you touted all those years comes with a handy, objective set of CliffNotes known as the Ten Commandments. So let’s go to the No Spin Zone and see how you did.

I am the Lord your God. You shall have no other gods before Me. It seems there are a vast array of gods you’ve put before Him—ratings, fame, money, power, and sexual conquest to name just a few. You also put Roger Ailes before God, but after he spent countless millions to pay off your victims, this particular portion of this particular deadly sin seems almost forgivable.

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You shall not make any graven images of God. This commandment refers primarily to idolatry. Sorry, Bill. A big fat zero on this one. You idolize Bill O’Reilly.

You shall not use the Lord your God’s name in vain. As that classic “F_ck-it-we’ll-do-it- live” Inside Edition meltdown and many others since demonstrate, the filter between your brain and mouth is sometimes even thinner than the one between your brain and genitalia. Since we don’t have any YouTube clips of your using specifically the Lord’s name in vain, a guilty verdict might be a bit prejudicial, but given your propensity to rage against anyone and anything that doesn’t go your way, we'll take our chances.

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Since The O’Reilly Factor was generally aired on weeknights, we can’t claim with any level of confidence that you were spewing hate and self-righteous venom on your day off. And for all we know you were taking a Sunday breather from one-way phone sex with Andrea Mackris, Lis Wiehl, Megyn Kelly and any number of other unnamed victims Fox paid off. So this one’s for you, Bill.

Honor your father and mother. Did Mommy and Daddy teach you to hold the careers of women—many of whom were themselves mothers—over their heads while coercing sleazy, Viagra-fueled sexual encounters in random hotel rooms? Doubtful. You came up with that M.O. on your own

You shall not kill. Killing Kennedy. Killing Reagan. Killing Patton. Killing Lincoln. Killing Jesus. And coming soon to a discount book rack near you—Killing History. Seems you’re obsessed with killing. Of course, that doesn’t mean you’ve literally killed anyone. Only the hopes, dreams, careers, and ability to sleep soundly of countless attractive young women who worked for you.

You shall not commit adultery. Moving right along . . .

You shall not steal. Not that our hearts are exactly breaking, but all that settlement money came out of the pockets of stockholders who thought the dip in dividends was from Greta Van Susteren’s plastic surgery.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Well, we hope Wendy Walsh, Juliet Huddy, Andrea Tantaros, and a handful of other targets you’ve repeatedly lied about do not live anywhere your near your estate in Manhasset. After all, you’re on Megyn’s List.

And there you have it. You’re batting about .100 in the old Decalogue game. Thanks for playing. Sorry things aren’t working out for you lately and your rehab is going about as well as Harvey Weinstein’s. But a word to the wise—before getting mad at God, you might want to look into how God feels about you.