There Are No Tiger Woods Jokes Left

Today in celebrity news: The world's greatest golfer/cheater makes it official with Lindsey Vonn, Ryan Lochte caused a commotion in Miami, and Lindsay Lohan is getting the rehab she needs.

Yesterday, golfer Tiger Woods and skier Lindsey Vonn, both top performers in their respective fields, made their long whispered-about coupledom official. They announced it over Twitter and posted some Facebook photos of themselves, but then asked for privacy. I guess that's like celebrities selling official photos of their new babies to magazines and then saying, "That's it." Throw some scraps out to feed the masses and then lock the kitchen doors. Makes sense. Though, the two are both wearing shirts with the logos of two of their sponsors on them, which is a little sneaky and suspicious. Oh, well. Lindsey and Tiger had been putting around as friends, but then a few months ago Tiger switched to a 9-wood and drove it down the green. Ick. Is that the sort of joke I'm supposed to make about this? Weird gross golf jokes? Are there skiing jokes? It feels like there aren't skiing jokes. What I do know is that I won't make any jokes about the fact that only a few years ago Tiger Woods got caught cheating on his wife so spectacularly that he had to make a television commercial about it. Because all those jokes have already been made. But, I mean, do you remember that? Tiger Woods is the greatest at golf and he is also the greatest at cheating on his wife. He cheated on her so much! Like big-time cheating. I'm sure Lindsey is aware of that and figures herself capable of handling that possibility. After all, she's used to things going downhill. (There's the skiing joke, I guess.) [Daily Mail]

Speaking of athletes revealing themselves as sexual beings, Olympian swimbo Ryan Lochte was kickin' it in Miami on Sunday night, causin' problems for regular dudes. See, he was at the Shore Club and was hosting a little private get together. The only requirement for entrance was that you be a hot girl in a bikini. One such party guest was apparently engaged to another man, but she did not let her fiancé into the party. Yes, a Page Six "spy" says that it was quite the scandal: "She was seen hitting 'ignore' on her phone before jumping into the pool. Her fiancé was freaking out and making a scene, trying to get in, and she was eventually asked to leave." Oops! That's a not a good sign for this marriage. I mean I guess it could be read two ways. The obvious way is that the woman really wanted to be all up on Ryan Lochte in case he liked her, and if he did then it would be farewell fiance. That's the one that, I guess, makes the most logical sense. But the other option is that the guy was all, "What?? RYAN LOCHTE?? Omigod lemme in lemme in lemme in!!!" And his fiance was like, "No, Barry, I am not letting you in, stop it, stop making a scene." And Barry was like "Pleeeease-uh??" But she wouldn't do it. So he started shrieking and carrying on and eventually the hotel staff put the two in a cab back to South Beach. That's what I hope was happening. When reached for comment about the matter, Ryan Lochte told reporters, "I like oats." [Page Six]

Obligatory Lindsay Lohan update: She has decided to go to a locked-down rehab for three months rather than go to jail after being convicted of lying to police and breaking probation. Where this rehab will happen is unclear, but we're guessing if it's the lockdown kind of rehab it won't be in Malibu. No, she's going to some freak farm out near the Salton Sea or something. At least I hope she is. The amount of times that lady has driven while f-cked up, it's remarkable she hasn't killed anyone, so she's earned a little drying out time. The idiot couldn't even avoid driving troubles when she was in New York City, for heaven's sake. She's a dum-dum and needs to be sent to dum-dum camp to get less dumb. Or, y'know, she's an addict, which can make smart people act like dum-dums. I know that's the sadder reality, but it'd be nice if she was just a dope rather than a sad soul struggling with a problem. Ah, well. That's what's happening with Lindsay Lohan. How about it. [TMZ]

Former prisoner of Xenu, Inc. Katie Holmes is on the cover of the new Allure magazine, looking sultry and topless behind a headline reading "Katie Holmes Is Cleaning Out Her Closet." So, OK, yes ha ha Tom Cruise closet etc. etc. Moving on. Apparently there is some sort of rumor that Holmes might be abandoning acting and going into law as a profession? She told the magazine, "Well, my brother and father are attorneys, and - we'll see. I like the practical thinking of attorneys." Well, OK, but having a brother and father who are attorneys doesn't just mean she can become an attorney. What we're talking about here is Katie Holmes going to law school. Which, if that were to happen, would be the greatest story ever told. Can you imagine being in law school with Katie Holmes? I mean you'd flunk out or never pass the bar you'd so distracted, but still! Katie Holmes at your law school! Legally Brunette. Not to imply she's dumb, no not at all, but it would be a little incongruous, same as Elle Woods. That's all. I really like this idea. You should do it, Katie! Apply to law school. Though, hm, you might need to go to college first. So do that, go to college, and then do law school after that. Do it for all of us. [New York Daily News]

Speaking of rumors, there is a rumor that Justin Timberlake is up for the role of Daddy Warbucks in the new Annie movie. Y'know, the one starring adorable dynamo Quvenzhané Wallis. Which, uh, cannot happen. That is absolutely not allowed to happen. Literally anyone else in the world can play Daddy Warbucks, but not Justin Timberlake. No sir, no way. I'd rather Anne Hathaway play Daddy Warbucks than Justin Timberlake. Give the Daddy Warbucks role to Mel Gibson for heaven's sake. Literally anyone but Justin Timberlake. That smug sumbitch does not need the encouragement. No more movie roles for Justin Timberlake for a long, long time. I don't care how musical the role is. Absolutely not. Never. Ever. Nope. [Page Six]

If you want to read about this miserable stuff, here's a post about Kevin Clash, the guy who voiced Elmo, having meth-fueled sex parties with teenagers. It's all very upsetting and I don't want to talk about it, but there is one line I must take issue with. It is this: "He says Clash also gave him poppers to intensify the experience." Which, OK, poppers might "intensify the experience," but, uh, that is not primarily why poppers are used. You are free to consult your local library for more information, but just know that in some ways intensifying the experience is the exact opposite of what poppers are used for. Anyway. Enough of this sad sordidness. [TMZ]

Jennifer Connelly's kid is a tall teen. Jennifer Connelly is old enough to be mom to a tall teen. Remember Labyrinth? That can't have been that long ago, right? What's that? It came out 27 years ago? Oh, sweet mother of pearl, OK. So I guess this all does make sense. Jennifer Connelly owns a tall teen and everyone is terribly old. Terrific. Thanks, tabloids. [Daily Mail]