Monday, June 29, 2009

Former Dodgers pitcher Darren Dreifort's recently underwent his 22nd surgery. You know your career is in jeopardy when you’ve been poked and prodded more than Alyssa Milano.

Gisele Bundchen is reportedly pregnant with Tom Brady’s child. The fetus is expected to be signed to a major deal later this week.

The University of Florida has announced that its 2009-10 athletic budget will be $89 million. The number is somewhat misleading, however, as $59 million of that will go directly towards paying off NCAA officials.

Dirk Nowitzki has said he would like to have a family, but it won’t be easy to win his heart. No surprise there. With Dirk Nowitzki on your team it’s not easy to win anything.

President Barack Obama has agreed to throw out the first pitch before the Major League Baseball All-Star game at Busch Stadium. Just hearing the words “president” and “Busch” together again is starting to make us nauseous.

Detroit Shock forward Plenette Pierson is expected to be out for the rest of the season after shoulder surgery. On the positive side, at least she no longer has to watch women’s basketball every night.

Cleveland Indians manager Eric Wedge has already lost 25 pounds this season. It’s nice to know that his ability to lose big extends beyond the diamond.

Magglio Ordonez has ended his homerun drought after cutting his hair. The Tigers outfielder hopes to improve his batting average next by shaving his back.

France's anti-doping crusaders are stockpiling needles for testing blood at this year Tour de France. It’s nice to know Lance Armstrong won’t be the only prick at the event.

Shaquille O’Neal plans to wear his collegiate number 33 with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Unfortunately for the Cavs, Shaq has no intention of revisiting his collegiate waistline.

Mets manager Jerry Manuel believes the team needs to acquire a big bat and, if possible, a player who won’t get injured when trying to swing it.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. In this week’s installment we take aim at Sammy Sosa, Ben Gordon, Kobe, T-Mac, Joe Buck, Artie Lange, Tony Parker, Blake Griffin, Chris Bosh, the NHL and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Tony LaRusso has picked up his 2,500th victory. In all fairness, half of those have been against the Nationals.

Spanish point guard Ricky Rubio recently became ill after visiting Sacramento. Just wait until he sees Detroit.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have fired Kevin McHale, telling him they plan to go in a different direction. And by different direction, they mean “up.”

Alex Ovechkin has been named the NHL’s MVP for the second straight year. The honor entitles him to a free breakfast at the Denny’s of his choosing.

Dontrelle Willis has been placed on the 15-day disabled list with an anxiety disorder. We’d be nervous too if we had to spend a whole summer in Detroit.

Lou Pinella would like to have beer back in the Cubs clubhouse. Based on some of his managerial decisions we assumed it already was.

Rains forced another lengthy delay at the U.S. Open. On the positive side, it’s the first shower John Daly has had in weeks.

The Washington Wizards have inquired about Larry Hughes and Jared Jeffries. In both cases they were wondering if they were still alive.

Vin Baker has signed with Marinos de Anzoategui of Puerto Rico. It’s unclear whether that’s a basketball team or a family-friendly Mexican restaurant.

Iowa offensive lineman Kyle Calloway has been arrested and charged with operating a moped while intoxicated. On the positive side, he did set a new record for the slowest police chase ever.

A Ryan Leaf autographed jersey is currently selling for $449.99 on NFL.com. The uniform is so valuable since no one knew Leaf could actually write. For those of you on a budget, you can save $450 and get his signature simply by becoming his prison pen pal.

Rotund rebounder Oliver Miller would like to get back into the NBA. He’d also like to get back into a size 46 waist, but that probably won’t happen either.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

2009 is shaping up to be a busy summer as a collection of the NBA’s top players become available through free agency. From perennial all-stars like Kobe Bryant and Carlos Boozer to valuable contributors like Lamar Odom and Andre Miller, this year’s free agent class is full of intriguing prospects. Read more about the top 10 players available on this summer’s open market by clicking here.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Barry, Cuba, ILSubj: What’s in a name?I was chatting with someone the other day and they used the expression “In like Flynn.” Can you tell me who Flynn is and how the expression first came into usage?

You bet, Barry. The inspiration for the expression was Edward J. Flynn, a former chairman of the Democratic National Committee and the man responsible for ushering Franklin D. Roosevelt and Harry Truman into office. Flynn was reportedly so proficient at greasing the wheels that politicians believed once they got him on their side they were as good as “in.” This colorful phrase has since been appropriated to refer to sexual conquest thanks to Errol Flynn, a cinematic swashbuckler and one of the most notorious playboys of his generation.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Phil Jackson has surpassed Red Auerbach with his 10th NBA title. In Auerbach’s defense, he really hasn’t been himself since 2006.

Los Angeles police say five officers were hit by debris following the Lakers' championship victory. Say what you will about L.A.’s other team, but at least no one has ever been injured in a Clippers victory parade.

The WNBA is marketing its upcoming season with the slogan “Expect Great.” The phrase replaces their previous tagline of “Expect Empty Seats.”

Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas has reportedly lost 20 pounds. And that’s just from talking.

John Daly claims to have lost 40 pounds. It’s incredible how slim you can get when you consistently sleep through breakfast.

A Seattle Little League coach has been charged with second-degree burglary after he broke into a vacant store with three of his players and stole lights and bolts. In his defense, he was simply trying to teach his team the nuances of the double steal.

Former Utah center Greg Ostertag is trying to figure out how to get back in the NBA. At this stage in his career he might want to try buying a ticket.

NBA official Tim Donaghy was recently attacked in prison by a fellow inmate. Sounds like he really could have used a ref to break things up.

Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf plans to surrender on drug and burglary charges in Texas. After all, if there’s one thing he’s good at, it’s giving up.

The Philadelphia Eagles plan to reward Donovan McNabb with a big raise. Of course, if they really wanted to reward him they’d have someone kick Terrell Owens in the nuts.

Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose has said he used "extremely poor judgment" in posing for a photo flashing a gang sign. Actually that’s just bad judgment. Extremely bad judgment would be signing a contract with the Los Angeles Clippers.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Berto, Amarillo, TXSubj: Are you ready for some football? When did the NFL remove the white stripping on the football? Are footballs with the stripping still used?

Superb question, Berto. The NFL originally introduced footballs with white stripes in the late 1950’s in order to make the ball easier to see during night games. Unfortunately, the white paint also made the pigskins more slick and league executives voted to return to the ball’s original design in 1976 after noticing a steady increase in incompletions. Although white stripes are no longer de rigueur in the NFL you can still see featured prominently on the footballs of nearly every other organized league, including the NCAA, the AFL and the CFL.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. In this week’s installment we take aim at the NBA Finals, Kobe Bryant, Jameer Nelson, Lamar Odom, TNT, Joba Chamberlain, Brett Favre, Stephon Marbury, John Smoltz and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Chris Bosh has refused to sign an extension with Toronto. It’s hard to say what’s more devastating: the fact that the Raptors are on the verge of losing their leading scorer or the fact that the Canadian Government is on the verge of losing its leading tax payer.

Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton is expected to miss two months with an abdominal strain. Luckily for him he has plenty of experience with rehab.

The Atlanta Braves have cut two-time Cy Young Award winner Tom Glavine. The team plans to cap off the week by burning effigies of Hank Aaron and Eddie Mathews.

The Pirates have begun their annual fire sale by trading all-star outfielder Nate McClouth. Anyone interested in a starting pitcher, photocopier or a coffee machine is encouraged to inquire within.

The NHL has elected not to outlaw hits to the head. After all, if your head was functioning fully you wouldn’t be playing hockey in the first place.

All Sport has signed John Daly as an endorser. The soft drink company doesn’t entirely support his antics, but no one else on the PGA Tour has a larger belly on which to paste their corporate logo.

Barack Obama has picked the L.A. Lakers to win the NBA Finals in six games. If he bets enough money he might even be able to bail out G.M.

Trojans forward Marcus Johnson has decided to enter the NBA Draft. Hopefully his new team will be able to match whatever he was making at USC.

Mindy McCready has agreed to star in VH-1's Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew. Anyone who’s survived a relationship with Roger Clemens should have no problem breezing through rehab.

Rex Ryan has predicted the Jets will win a Super Bowl in the next three years. The NFL is expected to begin testing his urine immediately.

Joe Montana’s rookie card just sold at an auction for $65,880. In related news, Joe Montana plans to spend the next three days rummaging through his attic.

A Major League scout believes David Ortiz could be older than his records suggest. Based upon his recent struggles we’re guessing he’s at least 89.

WNBA president Donna Orender recently told reporters that her league is in excellent shape. Then again, she also enjoys watching women’s basketball, so how good could her judgment really be?

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Chuck, Seymour, MSSubj: The Andy manI heard Andy Garcia used to be a basketball player. Was he any good?

Absolutely, Chuck. Garcia was an outstanding guard with quick hands and a decent outside touch. Unfortunately his high school career came to a crashing halt during his senior year when he came down with a nasty case of mono, followed by a bout of hepatitis. “I got derailed,” he recalls. “I couldn’t exercise for close to six months.” Garcia’s lack of stamina forced him to switch his focus and he started getting involved with school plays instead. Although Garcia was forced to shelve his dreams of becoming a basketball star, he still follows the game closely as a Los Angeles Lakers season ticket holder. “The Lakers were one of the teams I followed when I was a kid in Florida because of Jerry West and Wilt Chamberlain and Elgin Baylor,” he says fondly. “We didn't have a team in Florida. And my first exposure was watching the games on television. We wouldn't have games on TV every night, but when the Lakers were in the playoffs you'd get much more exposure to them.”

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. In this week’s installment we take aim at Lebron James, Kobe Bryant, Raphael Nadal, the Stanley Cup Finals, John Daly, Jeremy Shockey, Zach Grienke, Blake Griffin, Manny Ramirez, the Mets, Patrick Roy and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Fran Tarkenton has accused Brett Favre of making more stupid plays than any quarterback he’s ever seen. Tarkenton can expect thank-you cards from Ryan Leaf and Billy Joe Tolliver any day now.

The contents of a storage locker belonging to three-time WNBA MVP Sheryl Swoopes were just auctioned off, unbeknownst to her. It’s still unclear whether or not Swoopes is entitled to a portion of the $5.35 the auction generated.

Tom Hicks is willing to give up control of the Texas Rangers. That seems fitting since his pitchers gave up their control long ago.

Cleveland owner Larry Dolan has been hospitalized following a mild heart attack. It was only a matter of time before he realized he owned the Indians.

Suspended outfielder Manny Ramirez will be sent to the minor leagues for 10 days as part of a rehab assignment. There’s nothing like riding a bus from Stockton to Rancho Cucamonga to make you reconsider your life decisions.

Tom Brady has dispelled rumors by announcing that his wife Gisele Bundchen, is not pregnant. We hope for his sake it isn’t because of a lack of trying.

Takeru Kobayashi outlasted Joey Chestnut in a pizza-eating contest by consuming 5 3/4 P'zones in a six-minute span. On the positive side, Chestnut did win the subsequent heartburn and diarrhea competitions.

Patrick Roy has turned down an opportunity to coach the Colorado Avalanche in order to remain with the Quebec Remparts of the QMJHL. Evidentially Roy took a few more pucks to the head than most fans realize.

The New York Yankees were kicked out of the Ritz Carlton in Cleveland because a Saudi Arabian princess booked the entire hotel. We’re not sure what more surprising: the fact that one person would need so many rooms or that a princess would willingly spend time in Cleveland.

Cardinals catcher Jason LaRue was nearly trampled after taking the field in the middle of Miller Park's infamous Wiener Race. We always suspected too many hot dogs could be dangerous to your health.

LeBron James has said he’s happy in Cleveland. Only someone who’s spent three-quarters of their life in Akron could possibly say that.

About Me

Ryan Murphy's humorous articles and sports-themed jokes have appeared on more than 170 radio stations and 40 newspapers across the U.S. and Canada. He recognizes that life is hard and that's why he's here to help. Send in some questions and he'll offer some advice. On anything. Well, almost anything.