Saturday, August 26, 2006

4:00, People's Court

Dateline: Liz's home office-I'm doing everything I can to avoid doing the ridiculous laborious homework assignments given to me from my graduate class. I'm telling you, this "going back to school" thing is NOT at all like Rodney Dangerfield promised it would be. While surfing the net (is that still what the kids are calling it?) to avoid classwork, I came across this tid bit of "news":

JEANNETTE, Pa. - Meow. A district judge has been asked to decide whether that word is a harmless taunt or grounds for misdemeanor harassment. Jeannette police charged a 14-year-old boy for "meowing" whenever he sees his neighbor, 78-year-old Alexandria Carasia.

Hilarious.

The article goes on to explain that the kid's family had to get rid of their cat because Carasia complained that the cat was using her flower bed as a litter box. The boy says he has only meowed at her twice. Carasia says it's every time he sees her.

If the judge rules that this IS harassment, I've got a whole list of things I think I could get away with suing over. If there is any financial compensation for misdemeanor harassment, I plan on taking these issues to court and retiring at age 45.

Things I qualify as harassment:

Farting in my presence. Especially on purpose, as almost every one of my friends thinks it's acceptable to do. $200 per occurrence.

Borrowing my office supplies and not returning them to the original location. $50

Looking at me. $15

Upholding the "If it's brown, flush it down. If it's yellow, let it mellow" theory in a public restroom. $100

Not upholding the "If it's brown, flush it down" part of that philosophy. $18,000

Cell phone addiction: answering the cell phone when you and I are talking without any apology; driving while talking on your phone; being LOUD while on your phone in a public place; answering your cell in a movie. $300-$4,500