Exploring traditional male-led, DD, D/s relationships in a modern world. We believe in building on and within our core values of communication, reciprocity, grace and balance.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Seeking Perfection

I have a friend (do you, June, do you really? - yes I really do) - a DD friend. She says sometimes that she feels inferior. I tell her that she shouldn't everyone has their own path, that Ward and I started our relationship this way, not like her and her Daddy who changed after 14 years of marriage, and that I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I am just blessed with a strong Daddy, who is capable of handling my imperfections, and loving me still more and deeper when we come out on the other side. So, I thought I should share a tale that shows just how very human I am.

Daddy and I had a rough weekend.I've only been corrected twice in our time together. I was corrected twice this weekend. The first time for distancing....*head shaking* oh, June, not again...yes, again - sigh - it's a process....yes it is my greatest struggle. And because this is not the first time, Ward wanted to make a point, and he did...strenuously.

Yesterday, Daddy said something that struck that both feet down, brakes in the dirt kind of reaction.So thinking back to the Saturday, I thought, okay, no hesitation, immediate response, and I bypassed my filters, crossed my arms, put my nose in the air and said 'Fine!' (I see you all cringing...I did too, but I was going for broke here...it was a test of the Unfiltered Broadcast System which apparently is in no way connected to any system of survival...you see where this is going right?) Daddy said, "When a lady says fine it is most certainly anything but."

Just a little background. Because of my background, I have a fear that one day he will wake up and see 'the real me' the one that seems so easy to walk away from, that there is something inside of me that surfaces at some point, less than the sum of who I am. So, snarky June (yes, June can be snarky - sighs ashamedly) said, "Well, you may as well see the real me." And Daddy replied, "Perhaps I should see the real you, but be prepared for a real reaction." I was, I knew what would happen, I certainly didn't expect him to back down from disrespect because of hurt feelings or anything. Believe it or not, I knew exactly what I was doing (just maybe not why in that moment) and I knew exactly what he would do. He did not disappoint.

Many spanks, many implements, and some baby oil later, a very emotionally rung out little girl lay in her Daddy's arms. I apologized for my disrespect, I told him that I expected no less than what had happened, and that it wasn't the real me...but it was the unfiltered me. I am not always immediately the sweet, sunny June. It takes work. I have to suppress all kinds of....unworthy emotions sometimes. I explained that I may sometimes hesitate, or pull back just a little, but it's not trying to shut him out, it's me trying to process, running a gut check, and running knee jerk responses through my filters trying to be his good girl.

Daddy said he understood that and he owed me an apology for spanking me the day before. I said he didn't, I needed it anyway. He said he did owe me an apology, while I did need it, it was not for the reason it was given. I don't think it was unjust, and I don't think it was unfair. I broke one of our fundamental rules in the way it was established and defined. We've done a lot of talking, and we've refined that rule. Daddy will allow me time to process, and I will try to let him know that's what's going on so he's knows I'm not drifting away.

So it was a very not very good, bad, terrible, emotionally draining weekend, BUT, we gained new insight, and tons of new understanding and closeness. And I faced one of my deepest fears, that Daddy would see me at my worst and find me untenable. But he didn't. Daddy always said, don't make me chase you, little one, I'll only love you harder. And he did. Sometimes our worst, most fearful moments turn into the most successful trust-building exercises.

HIS POV:
June is my greatest achievements in life, and yes, sometimes the growing and learning process can be a painful one. This weekend taught both of us many valuable lessons to remember and use on our journey. Sometimes an HoH has to recognize when he has been wrong, and own it. I also think Ms. June learned that I will never, never stop loving her. No matter what she says or does, she has me as her biggest fan and I love her more every day. With discipline, patience and a dedication to not just me, not just her, but us, I think it is possible for us to reach new levels of love and communication.

24 comments:

I am so sorry that your weekend was so difficult. Do you ever think that you act out because you need him to react so that you can reassure yourself that he's still there and still loves and wants you? It's so tricky - our minds are amazing places that can take very circuitous routes in processing what we want, what we need, how we feel and where we are. Glad you ended on a positive note of discussion and affirmation of each other.

SirQsMLB, thanks very much :) I don't usually act out. I am very vigilant about engaging my filters because I believe he deserves the very best of me. I think this weekend was a kind of a nexus. I had just been corrected for distancing, being withdrawn, for hesitating in response. I knew I had the fear of him thinking I had changed because of my past. So when it happened, yes, I said - just let it fly June - he wants all of you without hesitation - let him see it. I knew when I made the decision to react that I'd be corrected, and I knew it wouldn't be pretty, but if he didn't want to correct me it would mean he didn't want me at my worst.

So it was kind of saying - here is the unfiltered me, no distancing, do you want to handle me?; when I get quiet doesn't mean I'm shutting you out, I'm sometimes struggling to find my submission; and maybe to say, this is how hard I try to be good, to be deserving - it's not always easy; and to prove to myself that he is the one, and he won't run when it gets difficult.

Yes, it was circuitous, lol, but you know, sometimes you need the experience rather than the words. Ward did not fail me, on either the count of holding me accountable and the count of loving me without condition.

I am going to try to say this, and hope that it comes out the way that I mean it. Your posts are always so eloquent....and thoughtful...and just put together. This just struck me as real....comforting in an odd sort of way, because I see that you struggle the way that I do.

I always worry that Ryan will just think I am too much to deal with...that the real me is just way more than he wants to handle.

I agree, I would rather Ryan follow through when I break a rule, than let it slide.

Hi, Lucy Lou, it makes perfect sense, and I didn't take it the wring way at all. We kind of have a 'what happens in Vegas' philosophy about the blog. But in this instance, and especially after my friend made the comment for the 357th time (just kiddin') I thought, well, maybe we look too good to be true. So after this happened, we talked about it, and we decided that it might be good to share that we have struggles, too. You're definitely not alone :)

I constantly worry that Ward will think I am too much - I ask him all the time - are you sure it's not too much?

It is comforting to have him be compassionately consistent. He - when I am forthcoming with what is in my head - takes circumstances into consideration.

Thank you so much, Lucy :) I enjoy this community, and I am glad that we can bring a small something to it. My Ward is an exceptional man. I count myself so very lucky :D

Thanks, Mrs. Soft Bottom. It was a tearing down of a wall of sorts - not one designed to keep Ward out, and the death of one of my greatest fears that resided behind that wall. The feeling after, the reconnection was powerful. And it was...different in a way that I cannot describe, there was a clean, bright feeling that was absolutely amazing.

LOL, yes, Bleuame, I hate being prisoner to my emotions. But I - well we, I suppose - gained freedom from that this weekend. It wasn't fun, but with what we gained, I'd live it again. Yes, we are renewed, revitalized and very much stronger.

i often wonder if i'm too much to handle too. whenever i behave badly and we have a lecture and things settle down i always fear that BIKSS will think this is the last time he'll want to deal with me. and i'm still surprised when i ask him if he's sick of it yet and his answer is NEVER. and that it'll take way way more than this to make him stop wanting to be beside me. ;)

Yes, Fondles, lots and lots of growth, and as hard as it was to go through, it made us stronger, and gave me another moment to be in awe of this man that I love, at the truth and depth of his love for me and his devotion to us. And while it wasn't my finest moment, it was really just me giving him another one of my keys (see OFM's outstanding post http://oldfashionedmarriage.blogspot.com/2012/10/surrendering-your-bunch-of-keys.html).

I count us pretty darn lucky then, to have MEN who see what's behind those less than stellar moments and walk us through to the other side, never letting go of our hands.

I'm real sorry you had a hard weekend but I'm also glad that you are secure enough that the unfiltered you can come out from time to time and you know that it will be okay. I understand that desire to be who we want to be for our spouses as much of the time as possible but it's only real if we remain ourselves 100% of the time.

Thanks, Susie, yes, and I guess that's what it was, a test to see if he would find that - very small - bit of myself repugnant, and a test to see if I could let my guard down enough to just be totally in the moment. It's certainly not something I want to do on a regular basis....wow....listen to what was coming out of my mouth next.....I value my submission and obedience to Ward, and am pleased with the kind of woman I am (maybe more growth that I thought at first - how's about that?) too much to give into that weary, bratty me, but it's nice to 'prove' that he loves all the bits of me without reservation.

Sometimes it just happens and to all of us, Sweetie. Sometimes we just have moments that we wish we could "do over", but often enough it would be wrong to do that. As painful as the experience might have been in some ways, it was breaking new ground for for in others, so it was a learning and growing thing, right?You have a man that loves you crazy, and knowing that on every level of our psyche makes us blossom under his touch.And yeah, I am going to agree with Lucy, it is a comfort for me to know that others struggle, so thanks for posting about this. :)

Thanks, Lillie :) This moment was kind of like taking a deep breath and jumping in with both feet. While he deserves my best from me, because he is always his best with me, and while yes it was a painful experience in more ways than one, I don't regret it - I would live it again to get what we get. It went a long way to finally silencing 'little voice' - that part of me that is fearful. It was hard and fast proof that he is true to his word, that he loves me unconditionally, and he's not going anywhere, and that when I try to push him away, he will only love me more.

Yes, it was very much breaking ground. I have never been loved in this way, with this honesty and ferocity. And as I sit here in this moment and try to find that niggling seed of doubt in my own worth that used to sit in the middle of my chest, I find only a strong, happy heart and lungs full of sweet breath.

Isn't it wonderful, Lillie, he does love me crazy! And for the first time in forever I can know that and not have that little trailing thought - I hope I'm worth it.

We usually keep things that happen between us pretty much between us. But we talked about it and thought this was a big struggle for us, and it was important to show that we are really human, lol, especially since this kind of speaks to a lot of the issues of insecurity that we talk about elsewhere on the blog.

It's a comfort for me too, so we thought it was important to share our struggle with this terribly supportive community, who shares our struggles and our triumphs, learns from each other, and mostly learns that we're not alone. This is our coffee clatch, these are our girlfriends (and supportive guy friends) who commiserate and help us understand and absorb and learn.

There are so many thing other comments have already said that I would have written so I will just leave it at this, I always feel closer to Daddy after I feel like he has seen me at my worst and then we push past it. It's crazy that those situations are often what make us most secure.

dancingbarez, yes, and I'm glad you said it! It seems like the most convoluted thing in the entire world, but yes I feel more secure and much less fearful after this episode. Daddy said after that he thought - whoa, what's going on, that is so out of character. And because of the correction for distancing I did feel a little backed in the corner. If I didn't let it out, I was disobeying the way the rule was defined. And if I did, I knew I'd be corrected for disrespect. But when all is said and done, it was kind of a major turning point for us, and we are the better for having weathered it.

June, I am so sorry you had a rough weekend. These situations, hard as they are at the time are where we grow and become strong together though aren't they? It sounds like you both learnt a lot from the experience.

We want to be the best we can be for our partner, but at the same time we have to remain 'us'. I think our guys pretty much now the the real us (even if we think they don't), and with that knowledge want to love and care for us and protect us. We should therefore not be afraid to let the real 'us' come through from time to time.

Thanks, Roz. He literally does know me better than myself and says the same of me. We connect on a level I never dreamer possible and in my world never saw. It was gut wrenching for both of us, but from it came an increased awareness, increased understanding, increased closeness and a lightness and cleansing as the fears of lifetimes before we were us. Sometimes yes, there has to be that painful stripping away so that new and healthy growth can continue. And I count myself among the blessed, I have never been loved as well or as truly as my Ward loves me.

Sometimes when it rains, it pours. I go through stretches free of correction and then all of a sudden they all come in at the same time. It sounds like you connected really well after and the dynamic between you two sounds so sweet. I love the note from Ward at the end, too. :)

Indeed it does, Riley, but I suppose it's not wise to be on the ground frantically doing the rain dance, lol. I don't usually, I guess my subconscious said, okay, time to get rid of this junk! And I did...I truly don't feel it anymore. So that's a plus.

Yes, if it's possible we are even closer. And I know that there probably won't be quite as much to filter, and that if I don't filter, he's not going anywhere, will be my love, my man, my HoH, he will take me in hand and we will be better.

Thanks, Riley! I did too, he is simply perfect for me - he is my puzzle piece.

What a beautiful example of real love: the kind of love that accepts us, "warts" and all; the kind of love that corrects us to help us; the kind of love that survives a storm and comes out tougher and stronger. Thanks for sharing this, June.