In the Night Garden: Horror At Bedtime

"In the Night Garden": A relaxing jaunt to a fantasy world for babies and young children, with loveable, quirky characters and high quality music and effects, broadcast at bedtime on the BBC.

Or is it a shocking documentary compiled from actual footage taken by agents of the British Goverment showing the results of nazi-style experiments on innocent victims of the war on terror?

Iggle Piggle, or Ibn Al Gabal, a Qatari national taken prisoner by British Special Forces in Afghanistan, injected with a nerve agent designed to destroy his resistance to questioning, wanders aimlessly in the high security garden, unable to remember who he is or even how to speak. The experimental chemical has caused congestive heart disease, and as his body swells agonisingly with excess fluid his brain is slowly dying and his skin is turning blue from lack of oxygen. Frequently taking bad falls, he tries pathetically to find help from the other unfortunate inmates, only to find them equally helpless and bewildered.

Upsy-Daisy (aka Julia Piggot-Smith, formerly a promising law student) was also poisoned. While protesting at a nuclear submarine base in Scotland, her food was deliberately contaminated with a virus, which implanted a series of genes into her cells, causing the gross changes apparent, including tentacles on her grossly distended head. Opinions differ as to the intended effect of these artificial genes, but intelligence sources suggest they were part of attempts to ready humans for life in the high-radiation, microgravity environment of space. She is given daily injections to quell her augmented sexual desire, as she can become savagely violent in her attempts to copulate with the other unfortunate captives.

The list is depressing reading: human rights abuses, contravention of the embryology restrictions, torture, sexual depravity, lies and official apathy. Perhaps the saddest aspect is that the films were originally sent to in-depth news programme "Panorama" whose team simply misinterpreted the footage and sent it on to Cbeebies. Now their families watch, laughing at the "Characters'" antics, trying to enjoy life after the grief at their unsolved losses, oblivious to the cruel reality before their very eyes, failing to even recognise the tortured husks of their own loved ones.

"Don't worry, Iggle Piggle. It's time to go."

In related news, a government-sponsored survey shows that grown men can damage their brains watching children's television. IQ can be severely reduced by the constant stream of undemanding babble as important areas of the brain atrophy, leaving men as dribbling fantasists. Shit.