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Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The Lost Years 2002: TSA screeners disrupt Clow UFO base

By Reporter X

Three weeks after being deployed at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base, Transportation Administration Screeners are drawing the ire of both aliens and staff. Some anonymous sources fear the new screeners could damage relations between Earth and the Interstellar community.

“I couldn’t bring my new tools onto my spacecraft.” Said Wygo. “They said I had to check my luggage. I told them it was my ship, and I wasn’t a passenger. They didn’t care. It was the rules.”

Wygo ended up “checking” his toolkit and then getting it out of the cargo bay.

“What a waste of my time and their resources!” Exclaimed Wygo. “They should be looking for terrorists, not harassing merchants like myself.”

Paula, a Level 6 staffer, complained about the passenger screeners.

“I hate it when they decide to swipe my purse with their grubby cloths. It always sets off their machine. You know, one time I asked a TSA man when he last calibrated his machine. He said, ‘What does calibrate mean?’ Where do they get these people?”

Screener Jamie, a recent high school graduate, is proud to be part of the first TSA team at Clow. Before joining the TSA, he was hall monitor in a Chicago High School.

“I told the TSA I had security experience. During the interview, I mentioned that I loved UFOs. Now I get to secure aliens and serve my country. It beats joining the army.”

So far, there have only been two major confrontations with the TSA. In the first incident, a screen suffered minor injuries after being attacked by an alien pilot. An investigation revealed that the alien’s translation device mistranslated “I’m asking you” as “I’m axing you!” When the screener failed to show up at trial, the alien was released.

Eyewitnesses say when Claar approached the screener guarding the bypass lane, he was told to get in line. When Claar identified himself, the screener replied that if the mayor of Romeoville had to go through screening, so should Claar.

Claar replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I am the Mayor of Bolingbrook. I am no ordinary mayor, I am an ambassador and administrator of Clow UFO base! I’m also the commander of the Temporary Bolingbrook Interstellar Task Force! You are about to make the biggest mistake of your life if you don’t let me through!”

A supervisor finally intervened and confirmed that Claar could bypass security. The offending screener hasn’t been seen since.

TSA Administrator Blue, defended the TSA presence at Clow.

“Since 9/11, any aircraft entering US airspace must abide by our air security regulations. That includes interstellar spacecraft. We have reliable intelligence that the terrorists want to hijack an extraterrestrial craft and use it as a weapon of mass destruction. At this very moment, we’re trying to prove that Iraq is planning on using such a craft to destroy Washington.”

TSA screeners will remain at Clow until 2005, when the New World Order will review their performance.

Screener David hopes the TSA stays past that date.

“Sure this isn’t the best job, but it has it’s perks.” Said David. “We’ve confiscate a lot of cool stuff. I’m able to supplement my income by liberating the best stuff and selling the rights to corporations. At this rate, I’ll be able to retire two years. So I should be gone before they complete my background check!”

Blue admits that the transition to TSA security has been rough, but he is still optimistic.

“I’ll bet you by 2010, the American people will love TSA. They’ll happily go through our backscatter scanners and answer our questions. While the terrorists will always be one step ahead of us, the American people will be behind us!”

TSA screening will take over screening at American airports on 11/19/02.

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