Thursday, June 19, 2003

Report heard on CMM

Reporter: So now here we are standing in front of a McP's restaurant at an undisclosed location where a man has just been arrested for attempting to buy a H@ppy Me@l! The executive, in his early twenties was caught red-handed as he was trying to purchase a H@ppy Me@l for his own benefit, thus depriving the thousands of young kids who are waiting in line everyday to purchase the new Bemo range of toys from the fastfood chain! The executive was handed over to the authorities when the counter girl who attended to him grew suspicious when she noticed that he didn't want a H@ppy box with the meal!

"He didn't want the box and he knew exactly what he wanted. He ordered very quickly and was correct in pronouncing the bombastic and silly names of our products! This made me suspicious as most parents wouldn't know a thing about buying these meals for their children" she said in broken english! (which is corrected and edited here to make her look slightly more intellectual)

Branch manager En. H commented that the new policy imposed by the fast food chain was relevent as many children were deprived of such toys because many young executives flocked in numbers to get them on their dates of release. "These executives... clearly they have more time and money than the parents of these children. Somemore, they can order faster and can pronounce the names of the products correctly without pointing and looking like a fool. Most parents have difficulty grasping the simple names of our products and spend a long time trying to communicate with our staff. This usually caused delays for the rest of the customers, but since we're a family restaurant, it's only natural that these things happen!" he said.

Mr.K, a bachelor with no family and lives alone in an apartment in Saiberlalaland wasn't so amused. "Those (expletive) (expletive)s! They are so old already but still they want to buy these things! Can't they leave the toys to the children?"
Reporter: But sir, isn't that a Bemo toy you have there with you?
"What? This? This is er... for my daughter!"
Reporter: BUt didn't you say you have no family?
"Hey, Mr. Smarty pants... Why don't you (expletive) mind your own (expletive) business huh? What I do and what I buy is none of your (expletive) business okay? Now get the (expletive) off!!!

A youngster who only wants to be known as Ah Beng feels that the toys are not cause for worry. "Aiyah... these Bemo things ar... I shiok, I buy lor! Then you ask who make money? They all lar make money! I got lui (money)... I buy, they get my money they H@ppy lor! Evelibodi H@ppy lor!!! Like that also want to choi su (find fault)! Chin chia gau luan! (Like to complain a lot!)

His girlfriend, Ah-not-so-lian has a slightly more intellectual response. "Well, the way I see it, they are making a lot of money from these products, so why not produce more for the consumers? I mean, I think it's like cool and all that to own one of those Bemo toys, all the happening dudes and babes like me,have all got them! Personally, I think it's fine if a grown-up takes interest in these toys. Why shouldn't they? They are cute and adorable, right? I think those enforcement officers should go sit on the toilet and (expletive) themselves. They are so old fashioned. I mean if they can;t enjoy these toys because they;re too busy being grumpy and all, that's fine... but please don't involve the public, right? I mean, I'm like 45 and I'm still hip and trendy and I can still enjoy these toys! Oh, him? Well, he's 20. What do I find interesting about him? Well... he's gorgeous.... I mean look at that dyed hair... it's soo.... so... colourful... like a parrot! And those rings... on his nose... his eyebrows, his nipples... his... ahem... (giggles) Hey! Isn't this intereview about the Bemo toys?"

Reporter: Now it seems as if the executive is being led out... wait.. he's being released! Hold on... let me catch up with him... Sir... sir! Can I ask you a question sir? I'm sorry sir, I can't publish that! Really sir, you have to watch your language, this IS after all going on national TV!
"Let it be known, to all Malaysians out there! There is NO justice in the system!!! None! Zilch!"
Reporter: And why is that sir?
"I was only buying it for my girlfriend! It was not for me! I didn't want to waste food, so I have to choke down the H@ppy Me@l! Of course I didn;t ask for the box, but Noooo.... they still HAD to give it to me!"
Reporter: Is that why you were released sir?
"Heck NO!!! They were going to charge me on account of buying the Bemo toy for another executive which is liable for fines up to RM 3,500 or jail for up to 10 years or both!"
Reporter: Wow! That is heavier than the fine imposed on the failure to turn up for natinal service!
"Indeed"
Reporter: So what made them change their minds?
"I had to rasuah them lar what else?"
Reporter: But isn't that illegal?
"Dude, what planet are you in? You think they care? All I had to do was flash my Bemo toy in front of them and they were fighting for it!"
Reporter: I'm gonna exclaim in the most used word of pure idiotism! Woh!
"Now I have to go hunt around for another Bemo toy before the promortion runs out, or some executive buys it off the shelves before I do!"
Reporter: Good luck sir!
"Thanks! Now can you please give me back my paperbag so that I can cover my face?"
Reporter: Sure, thanks for your cooperation! You've heard it here folks! Tune in two hours later for our up to date updates on the news! Thank you very much!

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About

Formerly a slave to the corporate world, Kalamari decided to quit his established career when he realised the futility of it all. He worked for an NGO, taught Capoeira to misfits, wrote and choreographed action scenes. Has a dog which is ironically named after a hurricane and another named after a circus. He regrets giving them such names. Misses his former foster cats and Toffee. Now he is a struggling graduate student earning nothing in a nice university and will be for some time.