This
week, General Hospital served up a healthy dose of chick fight, chased down
with a marriage proposal and a new twist on an old theme. That’s right
folks, you heard it here first; even Jason’s sperm is more of a man than
Lucky. Not only is Jason better at catching bad guys and wooing women, his
sperm is pictured under the “Most Likely to Succeed” heading in the
yearbook. I bet they cheated and took the advanced course at the junior
college with Sonny’s little swimmers. Jason’s sperm paid better attention
during the lecture on choosing a womb, however, as they picked Elizabeth
over Sam and Sonny’s buddies just zoom in wherever they’re invited. They
don’t discriminate; they’re equal opportunity impregnators.

Apparently, Sam not only has women’s intuition, she also has microscopic
x-ray vision. She can stare at Elizabeth’s belly and run an instant
paternity test. That’s a marketable skill! Sam should start a paternity
business! It would make a lot more sense than having the ex-fiancé of the
local mob hitman working at the DA’s office. Does Sam work at the DA’s
office anymore? Or does whining after your ex full-time pay better? I love
her tunnel vision, though. Yes, Sam, those tears running down Elizabeth’s
cheek aren’t from the trauma of her breakup with Lucky or possibly having to
raise a child with an assassin, they’re tears of euphoria because she’s
bearing the blessed child of Jason, the exalted one.

I think
that the crying curse has actually started spreading to Jason. I’ve seen
more tears in his eyes lately than I think I’ve ever seen before. He
probably cried a fair bit during the Robin years, but my memory’s
horrible. I was honestly convinced that he couldn’t cry unless someone
came by and squirted some oil in his tin tear ducts. More likely, though,
Jason’s just allergic to whining. He’s going to break out in hives any
minute now.

It says
a lot about the state of romance on General Hospital that I find myself
cheering for Carly and Jax. Why? Well, they’ve been my two least favorite
characters for, oh, ten years or so. Sadly, they are one of only two happy
couples in Port Charles and as Robin and Patrick get no screen time, I’m
forced to root for the shiny blond ones. At least Carly comes off as
vulnerable around Jax. This Carly incarnation has been the most snidely
smug one yet but Jax can bring out her insecurities and make her seem
human. Or at least as human as a woman constantly forced to show her rarely
covered body can be. Does Disney know that their DAYTIME actresses are
wearing dresses with necklines down to their belly buttons? That much skin
is good during love scenes and completely unnecessary outside of them.
Could you imagine your mother wearing that red dress casually at home?
Someone bring me the brain bleach, please. I apologize now for any mental
images you had to suffer through due to my posing that question.

After
all this posturing that the baby will be Jason’s, I really hope the writer’s
pull a fast one and make it Lucky’s. I feel like we’ve already seen what
happens if it’s Jason’s—I want to know how it’d play out as Lucky’s
instead! I can even stomach Lucky having two children of the same age.
They’d be little twin Spencer kids, raising worm farms together and creating
a brother/sister band. Sounds fun!

I’ll
leave you with this--even Detective Rodriguez knew that Liz slept with Jason
before Lucky did. GH writers are worse at keeping secrets than Morgan.