An Awkward Flamingo Named Sam

Thursday, July 31, 2014

I have officially finished my first year of college. And when I say "I finished" I really mean it more of a "I survived the Hunger Games" kind of way. Yes, college is like the Hunger Games. There we go. Lesson number one.

1. Signing up for classes is like the Hunger Games.
You're standing on the "platform" (your bed) waiting for registration to start. As soon as it's time to register, you surf, scroll, and click as quickly as you can to find the classes that YOU want and that YOU need to take this semester; this, is the Cornucopia: first come, first served. BUT. That senior who procrastinated taking a generals gets the last spot in a class you're trying to get out of the way as soon as you can; and now you're on the waiting list, hoping that someone gets "killed" and you get to move up and take what you need. After everything is gone, all of the participants scatter to various parts of the arena (campus, or your apartment) and keep to themselves, trying to keep their spots so that they can get out alive (graduate). But some lose their spots. Their loss, your gain. Can't complain.

2. Explore campus before the first day of school.
This isn't always bad. You don't have to know your way around campus if you have a general idea of where you're going. All that I ask is that you don't try to use the library.

Because you will get lost.

And you will be half-an-hour late to class.

3. You will always have at least one coloring assignment.
I don't care if you're in elementary school, middle school, high school, or college: you will always have at least one coloring assignment.

4. Weekends aren't the only nights you can party.
Is is a Monday? Celebrate. You made it through the worst day of the week.
Is it a Tuesday? Celebrate. Congratulations! You made it through the second worst day of the week. Or you don't have homework. Or Pretty Little Liars is on and you/they are still receiving information on who the heck A is.
Is it a Wednesday? Celebrate. Why? BECAUSE IT'S HUMP DAY. What other reason do you want?
Is it a Thursday? Celebrate. Why? Because it's almost Friday.
Is it Friday? Celebrate. Why? Well duh. Because:

5. Papa Murphy's pizzas are super cheap if you buy them RIGHT before the store closes.

If Papa Murphy's closes at 10:00 PM, arrive there around 9:55 PM. You won't regret it. You will have more pizza, save more money, and your satisfaction level will be higher than Shaggy on 4/20.

6. Pizza will become your main source of food.

No judging, but I went through a stage where I didn't like pizza. I know, I know, I was crazy. But I repented and came to my senses of how much I need pizza in my life. I'm at the point where I don't care about having a boyfriend. I care about pizza.

Besides, pizza is a good source of your daily bread, veggies, fruit, meat, dairy, and sugar consumption. It fits all the food groups. I see nothing wrong with this. Boyfriends can't do that, now can they?

If you don't have a crockpot, get one. It saves time and energy. And you get a good meal out of it. What more do you want? Nothing.

9. Leftovers are under-appreciated.

I know that when you're at home you want new food because it's available, but in college, you don't always have the time to make yourself a gourmet meal; let alone, the energy. But if you make a meal the night before using that handy-dandy crockpot I told you about, you can just pull out the leftovers from the fridge, pop them in the microwave, and BAM. A meal fit for college royalty.

10. Ice cream and popcorn.

I don't know what it is... But these will become some of your best friends. I recommend butter popcorn, and either Häagen-Dazs strawberry ice cream or their lemon gelato. Paradise. But be careful. After a while, it kind of ruins your life and you end up like this:

Not... That that ever happened to me...

11. Dishes will always be a problem.

I don't care who you are, who you're with, if you're friends or strangers/acquaintances, but someone will always be bothered by dishes and the fact that they're left out, not done, or no one unloads the dishwasher. It's inevitable. But if you have a problem, address it. If it's fixed, yay! Life can go on nicely. But if not... Make a few personal changes. Maybe your attitude, lower your tolerance, something. Don't let that one thing ruin your friendship with the people you're living with. I mean, come on. Dishes aren't worth wasting lifelong friendships and possible future adventures. Try to do the dishes for them, not all the time, but if you have time, take a deep breath, remember that your roommates probably mean well, and do the dishes. They will be grateful, and you will feel better.

Reminder: THEY'RE DISHES. NOT WORTH IT. Dishes come and go, and so do friends, but not the same ones twice. You can find new dishes at the Dollar Store. You can't do that with friends... Usually.

12. Boys will pose at leastONE problem in the living space.

Any problem can and will arise in regards to one of the male species.

-More than one girl likes the same guy.

-One of those girls gets asked out by that guy.

-A relationship is undefined.

-Opinions that someone is spending too much time with their significant other.

-Thinking that they are disgustingly cute.

-A guy friend starts to like his lady friend a little more than just a friend.

-Jealousy that someone gets asked out more than others.

-Listening to someone complain about too many guys liking them.

-Listening to someone complain about too few guys liking them.

Pick a bullet-point, any bullet-point. If you experience any of these: FIX IT. Either by changing your perspective or talking about it with your roommates. If you have dirty laundry, you can't wait for someone to ask you if you want them to clean it. You need to clean it yourself.

13. Always read instructions.

It takes a long time, I know. But it's usually worth it. Why? Because (sorry) but you don't know everything. But my main point here is instructions on a test. READ THEM. It takes 30 seconds, maximum. The deal here is to add about 2 minutes to your test by reading instructions and get a good grade because you followed all of the instructions, or you can take off 2 minutes, and get a bad grade. Decisions, decisions... Make the smart one. Because sometimes you half-fail a test because you thought you were smart and you were embarrassingly proved otherwise. Why yes, that does sound like I know what it's like because, yes, it did happen to me.... Just like the library incident...

14. Never eat a candy bar while running upstairs.

On that note, don't ever try to eat anything while running upstairs. Don't put yourself in a position to trip and have it jam itself into the back of your throat. It's very uncomfortable. I don't want you to die.

15. There's a thought process that goes along with college homework.

Thought 1: What am supposed to do?

Thought 2: I don't understand this... What's wrong with me?

Thought 3: I no longer care.

16a. You never really grow out of singing Disney songs.

Unless you hate Disney. In that case, you can go sit in a dark cave because that's what you're used to anyways... Because that's life without Disney.

16b. Disney songs are hilarious if sung seductively.

No examples. Use your imagination and try it for yourself. Don't ask how I learned this lesson.

17. Maxi skirts are like crotchless yoga pants.

If you've never worn yoga pants, wear them. Guy, girl, I do no not care. Wear them. Try it. You'll like it. Almost like drugs, except... Not. Guys can try on maxi skirts and yoga pants, but I don't recommend wearing them in public if you have a reputation to uphold.

18. Keeping a Quote Wall creates friends.

If your roommate ever says something hilarious, write it down on a quote wall, while being vague about the situation in which it was said. Because when people read that quote and don't understand the context, they will wonder about you, and they will hang out with you more often to see what goes on inside that apartment of yours, and then you will have new friends.

19. Prank Wars are much more fun when both parties are equally invested.

We started a prank war with a guy's apartment and they retaliated... Once. We pranked them twice more with no response from them. It's disappointing and I was frustrated.

If you do a prank war, make sure that it's with someone who will be into it just as much as you. I'd hate to see you get hurt.

20. Watching 2-hour specials about myths on T.V. is great bonding time.

Mermaids: The Body Found

Megalodon: The Monster Shark

Russian Yeti: The Killer Lives

And just episodes from Finding Bigfoot.

Very many conversations come up about this and opinions about these creatures, and then these opinions and conversations turn into escapades, and escapades turn into bonding time, and bonding time turns into long-lasting friendships (unless otherwise ruined by dishes).

21. Talking about sex becomes much easier to talk about.

I haven't always been the most comfortable about this topic. In fact, for as long as I remember, I used to think that it was a curse word and I avoided saying it at all costs. But now that I'm with mature people, I've had a different perspective on how I think about/see it, and I am more comfortable with discussing it. Unless you're immature... Then I'll quickly change the topic and move on to Disney.

22. Dressing up never gets old.

Just like coloring, dressing up is another childhood activity that will never get old. Whether it's in a Yeti costume to prank your friends, dressing up as modern-day Disney princesses to take your last finals, dressing up as Elizabeth Bennett for the Jane Austen Ball; it doesn't get old because it's still as exciting as dressing up as a dinosaur for Halloween when you were six.

Case 1: Modern-day Snow White with her Apple. We thought it was funny.

23. If you haven't gone roller blading in a while, going down a slope isn't the best way to refresh your memory.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

It's that time of year. For most people, this is when the bar is most packed, you have two beers in your hands, chips, surrounded by people you have never met and yet bond instantly. No, it's not the Super Bowl. This... Is real fútbol. This isn't some silly game of people in helmets and pads running into each other, THIS STUFF IS REAL. These are chiseled men who's only protection is their cleats and agile moves. You don't have to care about soccer for the years in-between the World Cups. Us die-hard fans aren't asking you to care about soccer during any other time of your life. All we ask is that you are as enthusiastic as the rest of us towards this sacred time. But just in case you need a few reasons to watch these games, I have come up with a few that I think are simple and attractively convincing.

1. Mathew Ryan

2. Ryan McGowan

3. Mitchell Langerak

4. Robin Van Persie

5. Memphis Depay

6. Sergio Ramos

7. Iker Casillas

8.Cesc Fabregas

9. Juan Mata

10. Gerard Piqué

11. Cristiano Ronaldo

12. Rúben Amorim

13. Rui Patrício

14. Victor Leandro Bagy

15. Henrique

16. Jozy Altidor

17. Ezequiel Lavezzi

(This is the look I give people when they say they've never heard of the World Cup.)

18. Fernando Gago

19. Sergio Agüero

20. Lionel Messi

(Sometimes I look at him... And see Liam Neeson.)

21. Ciro Immobile

22. Marco Verratti

23. Daniele De Rossi

24. Claudio Marchisio

25. Andrea Barzagli

26. Salvatore Sirigu

27. Leonardo Bonucci

28. Antonio Candreva

29. Luke Shaw

30. Phil Jagielka

31. Glen Johnson

32. Miroslav Klose

33. Manuel Neuer

34. Phillipp Lahm

35. Lukas Podolski

36. Martio Götze

37. Thomas Müller

38. Mats Hummels

39. Jérôme Boateng

40. Benedikt Höwedes

41. Erik Durm

42. Shkodran Mustafi

43. Christoph Kramer

44. Kyle Beckerman

I really wish that I was just friends with him.

45. Javier Herández Balcázar

46. Guillermo Ochoa

This guy is an incredible keeper. Oh my saves. Brazil has met their match.

47. Miguel Layún

48. Isaác Brizuela

49. Paul Aguilar

50. Alexis Sánchez

51. Carlos Carmona

52. Charles Aránguiz

Well... There you have it. 52 reasons as to why you should watch it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have highlights to watch.