Wednesday, May 25, 2005 at 9:04 AM

Han Faldo: May the Farce Be with You

Last week, George Lucas released the final Star Wars movie. But for me, it just doesn't come close to any of the movies from the original Star Wars trilogy. Why? I simply don't find any of the characters from the latest trilogy remotely interesting.

One character from the original trilogy that I sorely miss is Han Solo, the charismatic space scoundrel who possessed a wry, sarcastic wit. Han was easily the most entertaining, if not always the most likeable, member of the Rebel Alliance. But he was also the cocky guy who always generated a healthy amount of uneasiness amongst his allies. Having been dumped by Lucas, Han brought his colorful personality and edginess to the ABC Golf broadcast booth.

When you see Han now, you'll notice that not much has changed. While he has altered his name to Han "Faldo", he still looks as he did in Return of the Jedi, albeit with a few more pounds and wrinkles. But interestingly, he now speaks with a British accent. In fact, the more I hear Han on ABC, the more I wonder if he may also be a long lost member of the legendary metal band, Spinal Tap. Nonetheless, I find that it only adds to his witty charm.

His allies were once Luke and Chewie. Now it's Mike and Zinger. But the tensions have not changed. Much of it now lies between Han and Zinger and it can all be traced years ago to the 1987 British Open at Muirfield. Zinger led the tournament through much of the second, third and fourth rounds and he was well poised to win his second major title. But just as the engraver prepared to etch "Paul Azinger" on the Claret Jug, Zinger's wheels fell off. He bogeyed the final two holes to lose the Open by a stroke to Han. After the final putt had been holed, Han quipped to Zinger, "Tough luck, old boy."

Already steamed at practically giving the Open away, Zinger's blood must have really shot past the boiling point with those snide remarks. Talk about adding insult to injury! The whole thing must have scarred Zinger for life and I believe that he has been plotting his revenge ever since. Don't be fooled to think that it was just dumb luck that brought Zinger and his arch nemesis together in the ABC broadcast booth. It's clearly phase one of Zinger's master plan. It will be interesting to see just how Zinger will exact his sweet revenge. Will Zinger find payback through numerous sharp verbal barbs directed at Han over the course of their tenure, or will Zinger just one day try to stuff a sleeve of his Nike One Platinums down Han's throat? The possibilities are endless.

With Han, ABC's golf broadcast team is almost as entertaining as that found at CBS. But that may not last long if Zinger has his way. The real blockbuster this summer will air on ABC starting June 11 at the Booz Allen Classic, Golf Wars: Episode II - Revenge of the Zinger.

If Zinger really wanted revenge, he would enlist the help of two minions of the rival CBS Empire--the Dark Lord Nantz and Lanny the Hut. Nantz will use his vanilla-pudding commentary to deaden Han's wits, allowing Lanny to swoop in and shove the poor lad into his gaping yaw of a mouth. If that doesn't work, Lanny the Hut and the Dark Lord Nantz can combine their ability to state the obvious, "Jim, that was not a good shot," and berate Han until order is restored to the galaxy!

I think Revenge of the Sith was the best of all six Star Wars movies. I actually just watched Return of the Jedi last night and, while Han Solo is an amusing character, I realized I appreciated him much more when I was a kid. Darth Vader/Annakin Skywalker is the most compelling character of the whole saga.

Just because I don't like to choose...I'll take both. Oh, and throw in Hayden Christiansen for a four-some. Cover the whole series that way. We'll play best-ball. Pro-Am-Celebrity thing.

~

Anonymous said...

Doesn't anyone remember the original plan Lucas had, that he didn't finish ? A trilogy of trilogies ? 9 films total ? Can anyone explain to me why he quit after only doing 2/3 of the job ? Last time I looked, 67% was a failing grade in every school I ever went to, and that's assuming every 1 of the 6 he did make were 100%, which is stretching it a bit anyway ! And now in March 2007 we've already had a few months to chew on the 2008 Ryder Cup captain choices of Zinger vs. Faldo and "Han" doubling his announcing gig and Zingmeister taking himself out of the booth in favor of more mileage in his Footjoys. Preparation, or pride ?

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