Thursday, August 06, 2009

Situations Vacant

When I ran a bookshop I never had any problem recruiting people. Even a post-it note stuck in the bottom corner of a window would yield a deluge of applications, nearly all from students. I have ruined many a young graduate's life by luring them into a life of penury in the book trade.

However, I'm now in a warehouse on a remote industrial estate. Any stray visitors are hunted down like dogs, so I've had to rethink my note in the window strategy.

This time I've used Job Centre Plus. I'm not sure what the 'plus' bit means, but they were very helpful and placed my advertisement for a 'Book Specialist'. The job description specified that I was looking for a book lover with a good general knowledge and keyboard skills.

Today I received this letter - a masterpiece of brevity:

Dear Mr -,

I am witting (sic) this job application for the book specialist job. I have local knowledge of the area as I have lived here all my life. I am good with people and have done FOOD MANUFACTURING. I used to work in a butchers shop and do home delivering.

Just too fabulous. Hope his local area knowledge comes in very handy.I re-read the first page of Moby Dick at your suggestion. I fear you're right. [sighs]. thinking of 'call me Ishmael', do you think that's what Waugh had in mind when he called his fictional African nation 'Ishmaelia'?.

What an agreeable and forgiving employer you are. With exacting standards and impossibly high turnouts being the norm in these recessionary times, I recently read of a study where job seekers were instantly eliminated over one error in either resume or letter.