My sister called last night and asked "What are you making us for Christmas Brunch?" I don't know why she asks this question every year--she knows the answer. "The same thing we have every year!"

Ever since my mother passed away, it has fallen upon me to drive 800 miles to cook Christmas brunch for my family in Southern Indiana and Western Kentucky. Yes, I have the honor of getting up at 5:30 am on Christmas morning to cook for the some of the pickiest group of eaters ever assembled.

As I noted last year, my vision of a Christmas brunch is something out of a Food Network special without Rachael Ray-- salmon Eggs Benedict, Duchess potatoes, Challah Bread French toast, brandied fruit, dry champagne, and a team of uniformed personal assistants to clean it up. Unfortunately the family demands that the brunch be prepared exactly as my Mother would have done it.

E-x-a-c-t-l-y.

Recipes from one of those Midwestern cookbooks where 90% of the recipes start with a can of cream of mushroom soup. No substitutions and no deletions. No smuggling of exotic illegal aliens across the culinary border such as oregano or green bell pepper. If the dreaded onion is added in a dish (how is it possible that I am related to these people?) it must be minced until unrecognizable. The precision chopping I perform on the rosemary to hide in the potatoes practically calls for a magnifying glass attachment to the knife. And you can just forget adding garlic to anything.

The "Menu":

Breakfast casserole (you know the one you start the day before with white bread as the base) made with milk, eggs, cheese, bacon and sausage

Cranberry Casserole (the topping is made with Quaker Oats Instant Cinnamon and Spice Cereal)

Ham (because we need to complete the Trinity of Pork)

Roasted Potatoes a la Hidden Rosemary and Onions

Green Bean casserole (yes THAT one)

Biscuits from a can

Fruit salad (usually only touched by any visiting girl dates)

Butter

Salt

Pepper

Jelly

Soft Drinks (Dr Pepper is the Midwestern Red Bull, apparently)

Sanka

An assortment of Christmas cookies

Now I am just as mildly OCD as the next guy, and there is really nothing wrong with never setting the dryer timer at anything past 50 minutes (the house might burn down), or always turning the TV in the kitchen on regardless as to how long you are going to be in there (the house might burn down) or always carrying the green umbrella with you (the house might burn down). But I am starting to dread now the pressure each year of our OCD Christmas. What if I lost a recipe? What if I made a dicing miscalculation and the onions were found in the potatoes? Would I be the source of some sad future Christmas Movie of the Week "The Year Onions Ruined Christmas?"

Last year I did make a mistake with the breakfast casserole but one that I was able to eventually recover from. Smug in my knowledge that I had sneaked in a pinch of cumin and had the perfect cover story if discovered "That Jimmy Dean Sausage is just not the same ever since they fired Jimmy Dean!" I realized that something didn't look right as I was about to put the breakfast casserole in the refrigerator.

I had left out the two cups of milk. F***! It was Christmas eve and the stores were closed so I had to make it work. I poured the milk in but it just sat there looking very white like the rest of the state of Indiana and politely mocked me while refusing to mix with the diverse layer of egg, bacon, sausage and cheese.

I got three bowls out. I dipped out the cheese and bacon from one end, the cheese and sausage from the other end, and the highly desired middle section of cheese, bacon, AND sausage.

Swishing the milk around with my fingers I was able to mix it with the eggs, rearranged the soggy white bread and poured the meat and cheese back to their respective sections.

Everyone said it was the best breakfast casserole ever. And no one even noticed the cumin. It was the best brunch ever because it was exactly like all the others before it.

I will repeat this menu next week. Maybe our OCD Christmas isn't that bad. Traditions are what makes visiting family special over the holidays and with my family, I never have to worry about any surprises! Or Onions!

The African American 1996 Mother's Day Doll celebrates the diversity that is Utah and marks the first time that Marie offered two versions of the Greeting Card Doll as well as the first African American Greeting Card doll. The Greeting Card dolls were not originally sold with doll stands; however, one was purchased and is included with this doll. She stands 5.5" inches tall.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

The Osmond's have commissioned a special custom-made lanyard and badge holder for all Osmond Pin Club Members. In addition, the starter pack also includes the exclusive 2007 Pin Trader pin available only to Pin Trader members as well as the "The Osmonds" key chain.

Club Benefits: There is a $35.00 membership fee which is good from January - December. The membership fee entitles you to the following benefits:

Each member will receive a starter kit which includes your lanyard, badge holder, membership card, membership pin, key chain, and a letter from Jimmy Osmond.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Growing up in Southern Indiana in the early 1960s, it was very easy to believe in Santa Claus since he was our neighbor and we could easily visit him year round at Santa Claus Land, one of the country’s first theme parks located in, where else, Santa Claus Indiana. The post office in Santa Claus Indiana each year received thousands of letters mailed to Santa from children around the world which were answered by local volunteers.

I was totally convinced that the Santa Claus Land Santa was THE Santa since he always knew my name every time I visited him, a feat that none of Santa’s helpers in Evansville at the big Sears store downtown or in the smelly Igloo in the parking lot of Lawndale Shopping Center could do. He not only knew my name but he knew my sisters name and often already knew which two toys I wanted. My parents scrupulously enforced the “Only ask for two” rule since we were told Santa didn’t like greedy children and would bring you lumps of coal (or even worse, clothing!!!) if you asked for more.

Santa Claus Land was no Disneyland which I only knew from black and white television but it was accessible, affordable and a lot of fun for kids. The attractions included the Mother Goose Land Train, a 1/4-scale locomotive for rides through Mother Goose Land, a toy factory with elves at work, several bucolic children’s rides and a food and souvenir shop. Of course the highlight of the trip was visiting Santa in his little house and having that black and white picture taken which would be mailed to you weeks later. During breaks Santa would go up on the roof of one of the buildings and sit in his in his sleigh ho-hoing and waving to the crowds.

In looking through the myriad of pictures posted on the web now of the same Santa Claus Land Santa, it is apparent that it was not just my family that had carefully preserved the treasured black and white photos of the kids perched on the “real” Santa’s knee. Although I have a copy of this picture of me in my profile that has been colorized, my memories of those visits remain in black and white. A black and white copy of this picture was placed in my mother's coffin before she was buried-the only picture of her now adult children we thought worthy of eternity.

Somewhere in the 80s Santa Claus Land was re-launched as a theme park named, "Holiday World and Splashin’ Safari." In addition to Christmas Land, there are sections of the park dedicated to Fourth of July Land, Halloween Land, Thanksgiving Land, several roller coasters and a water park.

The very colorful Holiday World is closed each year from mid October to mid May. I have never been there. I prefer my memories of when I believed in the black and white Santa.

Still having trouble finding that perfect present? I suggest the video "Christmas Memories At The Osmond Family Theater" which features performances by the Osmonds during the past ten years. Starring the Osmond Brothers with special guests, The Osmonds Second Generation, The Merrill Osmond Family String Ensemble, George and Olive Osmond, Heather Osmond, and Babette Young, this video is approximately 80 minutes in length.

Monday, December 10, 2007

This Holiday season, Americans are invited to mail holiday greeting cards along with personal messages of support to wounded service members at military hospitals around the country through a unique partnership between the American Red Cross and Pitney Bowes Inc.

The American Red Cross will collect and review holiday greeting cards to wounded military personnel. For security reasons, the Red Cross will only be able to accept holiday cards, not packages. Red Cross volunteers will receive and bundle the cards to be shipped by Pitney Bowes Government Solutions. Then, Red Cross volunteers at military medical facilities will distribute the cards to patients and their families in time for the holidays.

Holiday cards should be addressed to:

We Support You During Your Recovery!c/o American Red CrossPO Box 419Savage, MD 20763-0419

Be sure to affix adequate postage. Cards must be received no later than December 27.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Since it was that time of the morning when I needed to do some reverse fishing, I entered the men's room at work looking for an empty stall among the three provided. Usually I try to follow the unwritten "every other stall" rule but today there was someone in the center stall so I had to skip to my loo in the adjoining handicap stall.

Selecting the handicap stall is usually my preference anyway since being a big guy it provides more room around the toilet; allowing me to CTL ALT DEL my cache with less of a chance that a toe tapping senator with a wide stance will interrupt me dropping the Brown family off at the neighborhood pool.

Descending onto the launch pad I glanced around hoping not to see shoes or hands frantically waving secret and desperate signals under the stall divider. Instead I see a face--employee T***** A**** ID # 1*****staring up at me. I guess he had clipped his security badge to his belt and as his pants fell towards his ankles it caused his photo ID badge to dangle intrusively under the divider to stare up at me.

What should I do? Drop a piece of toilet paper and cover Employee ID # 1*****'s laminated smile? Hand my badge down to confront his badge and firmly say "No!" Leave and return later to see a man about a horse?

Feeling that I really needed to complete my test of the plumbing NOW, I finished my prairie doggin' before the fiber-challenged employee T***** A**** did and I cast my vote and left.

When I saw employee ID #1***** later in the hallway I had trouble making eye contact. Does he know? Does he know I know what his badge knows?

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Loving those spot-on Google searches! People use this new fangled thingy to garner information and as a result, strangers from around the world visit my blog. Based upon search details from my Sitemeter account, I think I am leaving many of them sorely disappointed.

1. Is Mike Rowe Mormon?

I don't know and why do you care? He's not running for President. However, I don't think I have ever seen him wearing Mormon underwear on "Dirty Jobs."

2. Washington DC porn stars

OK, I mean really. What an oxymoron!

3. People who are poo pot.

Marie Osmond stay off my blog!!!

4. Scholarships for brunettes

Huh?

5. Finding herb in DC

Something tells me I don't think you are looking for me.

6. Why do dogs lick their blankets?

Because it is covering their butts?

7. Picture of a duck killing a rat.

Sorry, this isn't a porn site.

8. Where can I race my street car?

Have you seen my car?

9. Fashion through the years

Have you seen me in person?

10. Ann Curry leather

Sorry, this isn't a porn site.

11. Miss Utah dress

Sorry, this isn't a porn site

11. Possum soup labels

Yes, I was raised in Southern Indiana/Western Kentucky and ate burgoo but we never labeled it. Or really asked what was in it.

12. Are Fisher-Paykel refrigerators quiet?

YES!!! I can help with this. My FP refrigerator is very quiet and has been quiet since it stopped working the week before Thanksgiving. The "expedited" part is now in and I am on the schedule for Friday December 7. ("Your repairman will call between 8 and 10 to let you know what time he will be there.")