Fap-Guilty No More: Selena Gomez is 18

Men who felt guilty for getting all tingly after watching her on "Wizards Of Waverly Place" or --yuck-- as Gianna on Barney and Friends should hide their heads in shame no longer: Selena Gomez is 18.

"Oh, man," said 54 year-old Diego Farmworker, a Mexican-American fan who has dated Gomez in his imagination since being incarcerated 2 years ago. "I can't wait to... uh... oh... Uuuunnghh."

Gomez was born in Cross Elborder, Texas in July, 1992 to Ricardo Gomez, a professional parking-lot cart wrangler at Home Depot, and Mandy Teefey, a dirty, dirty girl. Gomez is Mexican and Italian, and is named after some singer who got shot by the president of her fan club. (Editor's note: People, please; make sure you're checking references before making hiring decisions!)

"I want everyone to know that Selena is 18 today," said Selena's mother, Mandy, between dances at The Pole Position in La Mesa, California. "Hey, did you know I was 14 when I had her? *spins pasties* I'm still kinda hot, right?"

Hundreds of unemployed Selena Gomez fans camped out at the gate at Disney Studios, hoping to add a quick glimpse of the star into their personal spank-banks.

"I hope to see her," said one fan, anxiously pinching the helmet through his jean-shorts. "But what I am really excited about is August 2nd, when the Sprouse Twins turn 18. Those chicks are hawt!!"

Make anthonyrosania's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)