11 June 2007

Make mine a large stiff one...

Seen the new Heineken television ad yet? No, neither have I. I don't think it's out...at least I've been searching on YouTube and it hasn't appeared, so I'm assuming that it's not yet on the telly. I'm interested though, as the Media Guardian tells me that it features a woman, in the bath, using a lobster "inappropriately".

Now, it strikes me that unless you've turned your tub into an aquarium, any use of a lobster in it could be deemed inappropriate. She might be using it to scrape a load of matted hair and gunk out of the plughole.

However, given the strapline for the ad is, "get the head right and the rest will follow..." I think we all know the sort of inappropriate crustacean use to which Heineken is alluding.

Such is the beauty of advertising. Can you imagine pitching up to your client and proposing a PR campaign based around suggestions of masturbation with marine animals? Or suggestions of masturbation full stop?

Perhaps there is an associated PR campaign. I have images in my mind of earnest AEs selling "Top Ten wanking widgets" boxouts into the lifestyles...celebs being approached to discuss their favourite self-love stories...websites carrying surveys..."if you were to use a sea-based creature for a touch of self-gratification, which one would it be?" (dolphin for me, in case you're interested. Or you're a dolphin).

I imagine they'd also need to do something around drinking responsibly. Perhaps your designated driver could be encouraged to ask for a Heineken hand shandy from the busty barmaid at the Dog & Duck?

No doubt the advertising agency is furiously thinking about the next ad in the series (or, as I suspect, lining up another 20 minute brainstorm in the local boozer).

I have an idea...maybe the next ad should be one for the ladies? It could feature a hunky chap in his local supermarket getting over-friendly with a watermelon that he's drawn a girl's face on with a marker pen and cut a suitably sized hold in...

Wasn't there some urban myth/horror story about this going round on email a couple of years ago? I vaguely remember something about a woman in the US inappropriately using a lobster and later giving birth to a large amount of its babies. Allegedly thanks to some torturous misuse of a lighter and optimal womb conditions.

Note to self: keep all junk mail and sick joke emails in future. In 3 or 4 years time, review, recycle and use in a creative campaign...

SpiderJ! Thanks for the link...it does appear that I might have got the wrong end of the stick, particularly about the "get the head right" strapline..."continental head" being a mental state, not a sex act, apparently.

I still reckon the husband arrived back home in the nick of time though...you and I both know where that lobster was going next.

For those who need any further assistance with this whole sordid affair - Snopes.com is the place to go:

http://www.snopes.com/risque/juvenilia/lobster.asp

I'd like to take this opportunity to be the first person to use the word 'vagina' on this blog (I think... haven't checked, but making an assumption):

"As well, brine shrimp take a day to hatch, not two. They also won't hatch out in anything less than extremely salty water, a substance not found in a woman's vagina. It also takes more than salty water and eggs to bring about hatching — exposure to light within the first few hours of incubation is key. Brine shrimp growers recommend the eggs be exposed to a light source throughout incubation. Constant aeration (bubbling) is also necessary to provide sufficient oxygen levels for the eggs to hatch, this is also not a condition found in a woman's vagina."

I think what you meant to say is that a lobster isn't a mammal, it's a crustacean. But of course I didn't call it a mammal...I called it an animal (in addition to a crustacean), which it is:

animal, noun:

1. any member of the kingdom Animalia, comprising multicellular organisms that have a well-defined shape and usually limited growth, can move voluntarily, actively acquire food and digest it internally, and have sensory and nervous systems that allow them to respond rapidly to stimuli: some classification schemes also include protozoa and certain other single-celled eukaryotes that have motility and animallike nutritional modes.

2. any such living thing other than a human being.

Crustacean:

The crustaceans (Crustacea) are a large group of arthropods, comprising approximately 52,000 described species, and are usually treated as a subphylum. They include various familiar animals, such as lobsters, crabs, shrimp, crayfish and barnacles.

Not quite masturbation, but there was a rumour a few weeks back that an agency pitching for the 192.com account suggested the site produce a map of London's top Dogging sites. The agency, perhaps surprisingly, didn't make it to the next round but top marks for creativity!

Anon - "Of course, head and masturbation are two entirely different things, though..."

You're right, of course. And it's against my better judgement but only because I think it might be one of the oddest questions that might ever have been asked in the whole blogosphere, when do you think the line gets crossed between an act of masturbation using a live lobster and the lobster being a conscious enough participant for it to be construed as giving head?