Spoofs & SatireFeb 17, 2011

What Is a Career Move

Following his triumphant appearance on Jeopardy, IBM’s Watson supercomputer strikes a deal to replace Charlie Sheen on CBS’s hit comedy Two and a Half Men.

Alan and Watson are in a hotel bar, drinking beers.

ALAN: I can’t believe it.

[Watson calculates for .0001 seconds.]

WATSON: Can’t believe what?

ALAN: Can’t believe that Lucy is dating that guy now.

[Watson calculates for .0001 seconds.]

WATSON: Well, he’s more handsome than you, has more money, and, based on that message she accidentally left on your phone, better in bed. Though it didn’t sound like they were exactly in bed. I think I heard traffic in the background.

ALAN: Traffic?

[Watson calculates for .0001 seconds.]

WATSON: Well, something was being honked.

ALAN: That’s not very helpful, you know. I really cared about her.

[Watson calculates for .0001 seconds.]

WATSON: Your problem is that you think that matters.

ALAN: What do you think matters?

[Watson calculates for .0001 seconds.]

WATSON: To Lucy? That he’s more handsome than you, has more money, and, based on that message she accidentally left on your phone, is better in bed.

[An attractive waitress approaches.]

WAITRESS: Can I take your order?

[Watson calculates for .0001 seconds.]

WATSON: How about you in a pirate-wench costume? Don’t forget to bring the light restraints.

Ben Greenman is a contributing writer for the New Yorker and a bestselling author whose books includes both fiction (most recently, The Slippage and What He’s Poised To Do) and nonfiction (Brothas Be, Yo Like George, Ain’t That Funkin’ Kinda Hard On You, with George Clinton; and Mo Meta Blues, with Questlove).
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