ok i don't know what got into me and i probably shouldn't have done this. i think maybe all this talking has just got me a little bit angry enough, for once. but stupid me got drunk and decided to have a talk with my bio father. sooo stupid.

it was the wrong thing to do i know and before i even got a chance to say much to him he just cut me off, told me whatever kinds of problems im having to just get over it, that he doesnt want to hear it. he said the past is the past and it dont matter cuz he's got nothing to do with MY past. i didn't get a chance to tell him anything. i only said that some bad stuff happened that he didnt know about, i said i felt like if he was around, like he promised he'd be, things wouldn't have gone so wrong, said i needed to talk to him.

He just waved me off, told me to grow up, told me to be a man and take responsibility for once, he said he takes no blame for how my mother raised me, said he's digusted with her and with me, that she raised me to be a pussy, yea there's that word again. he said if i have problems or issues i need to either suck it up and get over it or i need to find myself professional help.

he told me to get out of his house and he basically pushed me out the door, told me i better never show up without calling first, told me i better never show up after drinking, not to his house. said i'm lucky he's not calling the cops on me. last thing he said was if i'm gonna continue this then he'll have nothing to do with me, doesn't want me in his life anyway. what an asshole

im so stupid, i knew inside that it would go this way. i know he doesnt care about me. i guess i had some hope though that he would at least, as a father, want to hear what i had to say.

k, i know i shouldnt have done this but even if its a bad relationship i think if someone, even someone i didnt particularly like, showed up on my doorstep drunk and upset wanting to talk about something i'd at least hear him out.

I'm so sorry brother. You are so not a "pussy" or stupid for wanting to reach out. You are brave for doing that...even if it ended badly and that really makes my heart ache for you. If you EVER need to talk...you know how to get in touch. I'll listen to anything you have to say no questions asked. Take care of yourself today, please? Hope I see ya around soon.

thx shane and u know whati dont even careyea ok it hurts, i want a real father, it sucksbut u know what, at least now i really truly know wherei stand. i dont have to try to be a good son anymore. idont have to wonder anymore and i dont have to try todo things right in hopes that he'll love me someday.all that wasted effort!

I know you already know this but your father is a jackass. He clearly feels responsible for what happened but just does not want to own it. He is taking the easy way out and trying to push the responsiblity off on you. He is trying to make you feel bad for not doing his job? What a chicken shit! You don't own it Zak, you do not own it.

I'm glad that you have realized that you don't have to be "a good son" for your biological father. You reached out to him looking for love and acceptance. And all he wanted to do was to put the blame on others.

Zak, I know we haven't talked much but I want to echo what Michael Joseph said. You are not a bad person at all. You are human being who wants to connect with others. You want to be able to tell your story, feel your pain, and feel and express your anger. That doesn't make you a "pussy". In fact, it just shows how much of a better man that you are than your father.

Keep reaching out, Zak. But reach out to people that you know you can trust and who won't judge you or put you down. And please know that you don't owe your biological father anything. He's made his choices and has to deal with losing a relationship with his son. Now you get to make yours and surround yourself with people who will care about you no matter what.

Your brother,

Steve

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Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Zak,You're right, it's never a good idea to have a "talk" when you're drunk. It rarely helps in my experience and often makes things worse.

That said your bio dad sounds like mineand my relatives of the generations born prior to 1955. I'm guessing it is common to all people of that era.Get over it, the past is past you can't do anything about it, and so on. It is a centuries old way of handle things emotional and complicated which would have if allowed to flow naturally interfered with the ability to stay alive back when children still had to work and has lasted well into modernity. Even today you'll find young people like this raising their children this way.Mostly it works in the big picture sort of way and when people regularly died at 40 or so it never had time to show itself. I started to remember at 47.

All that said I am not advocating excusing his behavior. Our humanity, the ability to think and his age should have taught him by now that this is not a proper way to be. In my life it wasn't until I was 36 or 37 that I had an epiphany one day. I was out on my bicycle riding Grizzly Peak and it suddenly hit me that I was the same age my father was when I came to live with him out west. Then it came to me what I knew of the world and how the human mind works and so on and I realized he must have known this as well. You can see hwo this built each thing I thought of I realizedwhen he was treating me so callously he was old and smart enough to know better. The irrational insistance on false toughness (I regard any rejection of needs that must be met to be healthy/happy as false) was a choice he made out of his own hatefulness or weakness. Either way it wasn't a choice that according to how he claimed to think and always insisted we/I didn't a reasonable man could arrive at after putting thought into it. I realized he was himself some kind of victim that chose to be a victimizer as way of "getting his power back". (My uncle revealed to me that my father raped him in not so many words after I started to call the family and ask questions.) Then I knew he was not the father I was trying to win over for all those years. I knew he must have known the pain I was in when he pretended to not know. I understood how weak he really was. And slowly over the next years I began to realize that a lot of what he taught me, (I only knew him from age 12 and he was like your dad in that he rejected me completely as having had nothing to do with makeing me as I am.) were lies or false assumptions on his part. He was constantly trying to appear as strong and powerful. That was the most important thing to him. The reality of how this didn't work and created so many problems for his children seems never to ahve entered his mind.

Anyway I was able to become my own father. I suddenly felt a weight lifted off of me when I was able to see him as just another man. a deeply flawed. dissociative, lonely, hurt man. This break allowe dme to grow as I had always wanted to but never let myself fearing rejection and having no guidance. I became strong enough to face the unknown and actually enjoyed it for the first time in my life rather than make myself hard and walk into the fire with my shell about me, I was open and faced all my success and failure and I didn't die.

I guess I'm, telling you many things here but I want you to know you are a man separate from him. You are a man who can walk with your head held high in this world no matter what he thinks or says. You do not need to let that desire for his approval be the driving emotion that it is. For me it was the realization that he was just another man, a fairly fucked up man at that which freed me.

I don't know what will free you but know that you will be free of this. You will find a way that leaves you feeling proud of yourself and able to go on w/o feeling anger or hate for him.

I left him behind and he died alone as a man like that should. He never once in the time that I knew him acted or did anything out of compassion or kindness. Everything was a shwo to get something else. He always expected something for anything he did and regarded anyone who didn't as someone asking to be a victim which he promptly tried to victimize.

I had a lot of work to get rid of this false fear based view of the world and it still corrupts my life in that I still choose people like him to be around and my unconscious demeanor projects this attitude, so those I'd prefer to be around stay away from me, but I am getting better.

You made a bad choice while drunk. No surprise there, drunk and good choice, just don't go together. But now you have information and even on your pain you have layed out the situation very clearly I'm sure you will find the way you need to be able to cope with this callousness from someone your biology and good soul tells you should be a natural ally.

KT

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As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

What can you do to gt some fathering in your life? I know there is a part of you that can be a good fathering influence in your life-keep reachingout to find men who CAN hear you out keep u safe and raise you.

For me this is unnatural since I never experienced it growing up. I am learning to do it now.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

Zak --- its too bad your dad didn't at least want to listen. i know when i used to drink - that i always wanted to talk with my friends at 2am - and couldn't understand why they were so rude. So you learn --------- your young.But it is no excuse for the cruel words your dad had for you.

You are not who your dad said you were. You are a brave man - who is facing the issues of your past - head on.Your not hiding anymore --- and you have hope brother.

You are an inspiration for posting your story.This is good place to post things - even it is not flattering.

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