Tag Archives: scared

Two of my worst enemies in the emotional world are fear and excitement. And on opposite ends of my brain, naturally. Fear is usually accompanied by the feeling of being overwhelmed and sometimes depression, but always anxiety. Excitement comes with it’s own set of interesting challenges. Tunnel vision of the future without realizing the now is a ‘symptom’. For example, the potential house I wanted to buy. Yes, the land was great. However, the house itself was a total shithole. I knew it needed work, but I saw what it could be, and didn’t see the $400,000 of work and 3-5 years of time it would take to make it into my dream house. It was a giant money pit. I walked away. Because I’m smart. Be like me. Hehehe

Anyway, it’s rare when I feel both fear and excitement at the same time, and these are very hard emotions to work through. I feel major anxiety without the depression. This is the hardest mania I have to work through. I think extra hard, my brain doesn’t stop, I can’t sleep, I talk a mile a minute, I clean like crazy, I can’t sort through my thoughts, I can’t talk to anyone because I just frustrate them because I’m all over the place. I think about all the possibilities of what could be. Then I think “Oh, I don’t want to get stuck in the tunnel vision trap” and try to slow down. Then I try to pick holes and find the bad parts so that I don’t overlook anything. Then I start to get anxiety because I’m now thinking about all the bad parts. Remember my last post about how I’m scared and doing it anyway? Well, this is me… on the edge of the cliff, doing it anyway. I’m moving forward no matter how it feels because I have to. I see my long-term end goal. I see my short-term goal… and I see the inkling of my very long-term goal. Every time I try to look ahead, I lose something in the now and lose a little perspective. There’s so much going on, so I have to just focus on the short-term while being mindful of the other goals. It’s exhausting.

I’m scared. I’m excited. I’m insane manic right now, and my heart is beating so fast. I wanted to get all this out of my system and then I’m going to do deep breathing exercises to try to calm down. This weekend is going to be pretty stressful for me, and I need to find a way to keep it together. I’ve literally had one panic attack in the last few months. I’ve been doing so well, I’m not going to lose it now. And I’m not going to back down. One-I literally don’t have a choice. And two..I’m not a coward. I’m seeing this through all the way. I’m finishing this ‘project’.

What’s so scary? I know, I know! I’m being really vague. Ok, let me lay it on you. My house sold, and my closing date is on February 10th. I found a temporary place to live and I went out to see it today. It’s way better than living in a trailer for a few months and running my company that way (which is what I was planning on doing). It’s a little studio, and I can run my company and have all my dogs. I’m looking at a new place, and possibly building. I’m not going to get too much into detail because it will jinx it. But I can say it’s a big deal, it’s all new territory for me, and I’m having to learn about running power, water, septic, and gas lines to an undeveloped property, buying water rights, building licensing, costs of building, time frames, city ordinances/codes, and finding out what it takes to really get in there and make it happen. I’m usually on the phone for hours every day with realtors, lenders, the city mayor, utility companies, storage facilities, my builder, and a ton of other companies trying to get everything in order. I’m still seeing clients and training dogs every day too. Long days make for one frazzled Heather near the end of the day. But at the end of the day, I can say I am doing everything I can. I’m giving it my all, even though I’m overwhelmed. And that gives me a sense of peace. I won’t give up. I know what I want, I have a vision, and it will work out. I just have to keep learning and trying. I’m so incredibly determined to do this, I won’t take no for an answer. This is happening. It’s real. BIG, EXCITING, SCARY things are happening right now. Business is booming, and it will just continue to keep getting better!

I have my calm piano music going already, and all my dogs are asleep, curled up together next to my bed. I’m diffusing essential oils, I’m fed, watered, and ready to fall asleep after I calm myself down. I have to get rid of the mania or I’ll crash just as hard. This is one of the biggest things I’ve been working on the last few months with my therapist is handling the cycling. I’ve been pretty damn good at it lately. So goodnight, and I hope you have exciting, scary things happening in your life too.

With all of the emotional challenges I have faced recently, I have to keep focusing on the positives. I focus on how much good I do, and I also face the grim truth: We can’t save them all. But, the ones we are able to save will live on with better lives. I have to think positively.

So, this week’s blog is about my successes this year with my business and personal gains. At the beginning of the year, I had set goals. Goals I had to accomplish in order to make a huge life change. To take a leap of faith, to make the jump. It all comes down to that decision.

My biggest goal was to get my certification. I have been talking to the owner of K9 Lifeline for quite some time (starting over a year ago) about taking her certification course. At the time, it was around $3,000 and 2 weeks long. Well, that means I needed the money, and I also needed 10 days of PTO. It takes a full month for me to earn 1 day. So, that was 10 months of absolutely no sick days, no vacations, and no ½ days for my own personal sanity. I started saving up my time last year around November. I had a few days saved, so if I didn’t take a day off for Christmas or any other holiday, or get sick, or have an emergency, I could take the course in July.

I had the time, but the Difficult Dog Workshop was in June, and I JUST HAD to go. Which cost me 3 days. That’s 3 more months of no sick days or vacation. I can do it, I know I can. That means I can take my certification in October, and to play it safe, let’s plan on November.

Then, I found out the eTouch Workshop was coming in October with another very reputable trainer. Ok, that’s another 2 days. Which means I’m looking at Dec/Jan. Ah man… at this rate, I’ll never get it. And I’ll never take a vacation!

Then I heard from another trainer that the course is a little cheaper, and is only 6 days, instead of 10, but I get the same amount of material. WHAT?! Really?! I can take it now! So, the plan is in motion, and I hope to get my certification at the end of August! YAY!

Pack Walk 6/28/13 (Click to enlarge)

I have also started doing my pack walks. This wasn’t a requirement, but it is a success, and I’m proud I have been able to organize this event. Every time I do them, they get a little easier, I gain a little more confidence, and more people show up for them!

I am now offering a nutritional workshop (hopefully twice a year) because so many clients have been interested in what is the best dog food or I’m interested in raw, I’m just feeding chicken, is that ok? I want to educate and help people do what is right for their dog. Wow, another big event, planned. Hook. Line. Sinker.

I have attended a few nutritional workshops, watched online seminars, increased my training network and made some awesome friends as well. I have read so many books, it sometimes feels I’m reading the same things over and over again. But, if I attend a seminar, read a book, or meet with new people at a workshop, and I learn ONE new thing, it was completely worth it. If I learn a lot, that knowledge is invaluable because I will build on that and learn more new things and become an even better trainer.

I have been asked to help during my trainer friend’s Saturday Socials, and I feel I am becoming more and more confident each week. This was huge for me, because eventually, I want to run these. I have run a small social in my backyard with 11 dogs (specifically picked out who would be able to come) and I was pretty confident (but so nervous too!). I am more confident and assertive when I am by myself because I sometimes feel I am such a baby in this field, so when I am around someone with more experience, I tend to freeze up a little or my heart starts pounding. I have only been ‘on my own’ training for 2 years. I worked at Petsmart and did simple sit/stay training with my dogs in high school, but not like this. I will someday be as awesome as these trainers. I can do it, and I am well on my way!

Mowgli was here for boarding for a weekend

I have started boarding in my own home. This was a scary move, but overall, I really enjoy it. The dogs are kept safe, get plenty of attention and stimulation and are in a loving environment. And I get to experience what handling more dogs feels like in a safe way. I try to only board dogs I know for this reason. Sometimes, I board dogs I haven’t met before, and it can go either way. I had a crazy dog I boarded in the beginning that was a disaster, but right now, I’m boarding 2 that I had never before. Both are sweethearts, and I’m happy to have them! I get to practice some of my own techniques, I get to practice reading dogs I don’t know, and I get to practice walking multiple dogs at the same time. Sometimes this is a huge challenge because I’ll be walking 4 dogs at once, and only one knows how to walk on a leash nicely. So, we take an hour to go around the block. But that’s just it – I get to practice!

I have actually started making money, and even though I won’t show a profit this year (which is actually a good thing for taxes, of course), I will next year. This year, I attended 2 workshops (so far, and plan to attend another) and my certification course, which weren’t cheap. So, I made money, and then spent it all on workshops.

I have plans in the making to get a better ‘dog car’ as mine is really taking a beating with all the dogs coming and going in it. This may not happen next year, but the year after. In the meantime, I need to find a way to keep my seats intact! Even Napoleon’s kennel won’t fit in my backseat.

We have plans about our location for when I get more serious about doing this. Either having a facility on my own lot, or leasing/purchasing a facility in the future. This is WAY in the future, just a dream right now, but it’s something.

The biggest success, if you can call it that, would be the decision the family and I had to make about their dog, Ryder. You can follow his whole story here. He was a very special Merle Great Dane who had an unpredictable streak. He could be loving on you and playing, and then turn and bite someone. Unfortunately, these are some of the hardest dogs to work with because you can’t find a trigger. We thought it was men, hats, uniforms, etc – but, he wouldn’t go after the same person twice, or the same hat, and if you switched the hat with another person, he would be fine. 95% of the time, he was manageable and just needed training. The other 5% of the time, he was unpredictable and could seriously hurt someone. He was hard to adopt out, and we didn’t find the right home. So, we made the decision to euthanize him. We didn’t come to this decision lightly and it was months of talking about options. I won’t get into everything again, but this was the right thing. I cried pretty much the whole week, I was emotionally exhausted, I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, I wanted a miracle to show up on my doorstep and be the perfect place for him, or I wanted Best Friends to take him. Neither happened. But now, I am at peace with this decision and I am still sad of the outcome – it won’t ever be a ‘happy ending’. But, I know he is running free and will be happy now, without having to worry about anything. I had to make this decision and it has made me a better trainer. This was a turning point in my career. I’m sad it had to be him, but I’m happy he is free and healthy now.

Most of all, I can’t ‘count’ how much I have learned this year, but I have really taken an initiative on learning as much as I can, and sacrificing so much to do this. I have also learned so much about myself, and I feel more complete because of what I have accomplished. I don’t have the constant stress feeling of ‘Am I doing this right?’ or ‘I’m going to fail, what if I fail?’ feelings. If I fail, I get up and try again. If I get bit or kicked in the teeth, I put a band-aid on and try again. I won’t let other trainers, dogs, people, or my mistakes stop me from continuing on. I will learn from them and be a better trainer for them. I’m happy to take constructive criticism and coaching, but please – no need to be an asshat about it. I want to learn, and I can admit I don’t know everything.

I work in the dog industry, a bite is bound to happen. Not that I want it to, but just like working in construction, it’s inevitable. It’s not if, it’s when.

I’m happy, and I see an end to these 100 hour workweeks. I see a light, and I’m excited to see what happens. Scared, but excited.

My therapist says I should get more sleep – regulate it. Make sure I’m eating healthy, and monitor my thought patterns. Well, I already eat healthy, and my sleep is … relatively normal. Except for when I’m elevated. And regulate my thought patterns – well, I’m awesome and super woman, and I can do everything… right? Sure, when I’m elevated.

What does this mean? Elevated?

This means I am at a ‘high’ point in my mood. A normal person feels sadness and happiness with all kinds of differences in between. I feel utter depression all the way to unimaginable joy. And I’m all over the place. My lows are the depths of hell, and my highs are mountain peaks. Obviously, we know depression isn’t good, but feeling like you are on top of the world isn’t good either. We want a constant, balanced state of mind.

Huh… why does this sound familiar? Because this is what we preach for hyper, adrenalized dogs. ‘Change their state of mind’. Teach them to be calm and balanced. And I have to teach myself how to do that as well. Will kenneling and mental exercises work for me? Seems my dog and I are on the same wavelength on a lot of things… he’s constantly ‘high’ and adrenalized. Apparently, I’m adrenalized right now too.

Right now, I’m on a high, and I can take on the world. So, because I have been on this high for over a week now, I have been incredibly happy with my life, and super busy. At work, at home, when I’m sleeping, it seems my brain doesn’t turn off. I’m always thinking, and I’m planning. Sometimes these highs last for a few weeks, sometimes a few months, and sometimes just a day. I’m all over the place, and I can’t find a balance. I just want to scream!

What have I done lately? I planned a pack walk for next Friday evening because I am no longer doing training on Fridays. I took Friday evenings off so I could study and have time to myself… and what do I do? I schedule a pack walk instead. It was an impulse thing, and I don’t regret doing it because I’ll learn a lot, and the dogs and people who will be coming will learn a lot. But I do wonder why I sign myself up for all this, when all I need is a break? I just.. have a drive that won’t quit when I’m elevated.

What else have I done? I started my canine theriogenology course last night, and finished up the workload for this week this morning (yeah… in one day). Then, I went straight to my social class. After that, I headed home and dropped off Napoleon, and the hubby and I went to a movie. Then, dinner, went home, printed off my paperwork, got ready for my obedience course and left again. Got home late, and started doing the work for my obedience course. We’ll get into that in a different blog post. RIght now, this is about me.

I also signed up for a therapy team (me and my dog) workshop. I signed up for this a few months ago, and my first class for my therapy-dog handler’s course starts next Saturday. Then, I come home, get Napoleon and leave again for my obedience course that evening. I am excited, but also worried that I have taken on too much. I did, didn’t I? I signed up for everything, but didn’t realize it was happening all at the same time.

So, because I’m doing all this, and it’s fun and exciting, and I’m worried. I’m worried because I know I’m going to crash. And then I’ll struggle to just get out of bed in the morning. So, now, I’m elevated, and scared. Which makes me not want to sleep. So, here I am, it’s after midnight, and instead of trying to sleep, I’m writing this post about how I’m worried and scared and elevated, and excited, and just can’t stop thinking.

Now, I think I’ll actually get my notes done from the trainings I had this last week. I didn’t do them because I was so caught up in making some material for my pack walk. Ahhhhh…..

Turn off brain. Please? Just STOP for a bit..

I need to breathe. I need to sleep. I need to recharge.

But it’s not going to happen. And that makes it worse.

My therapist wants to medicate me while doing psychotherapy. I’m all for it, and I’m happy to do whatever it takes. But… if I’m medicated, I won’t feel like I’m on top of the world anymore. I want to feel like that all the time without worry of when the crash happens. I told her that and said they should make a drug that does that. A drug that makes you feel constantly like you can take on the world. She laughed and said they do make a drug like that.

Yesterday, I finally cracked. I broke down at work. I cried in front of a coworker.

Yes, that was quite embarrassing, as you can imagine. I don’t normally make a habit out of crying in front of people.

Anyway… yesterday was another ‘down’ day.

My first flower of the season. 4/5

However, today, I see a break coming. I have spoken to my new therapist, and had my assessment today. I like her so far. She listened, didn’t judge, and seems like she wants to help. My last therapist gave me silly exercises to work on that didn’t help and actually made things worse. That’s why I stopped going. Now, I need to work on me, and get back in the game…the ‘healing’ game.

We have discussed future plans and a treatment plan, and I want to see what she comes up with. I was honest, and as hard as it was, I was open. Very open. I’m glad my husband came with me for moral support. He listened, and jumped in when I forgot something, or when he needed to add in a detail that I missed.

I’m happy he is so supportive of everything that I do. I don’t know how I would get through some of my issues without him.

So, in light of today’s rain, I am using it as an excuse to start over, per se. I want to work on healing, and I’m ready to put in the emotional work on myself to be happy with myself, and who I am. I have to stop letting one particular individual break me down. I climb up, get some confidence, and then I am broken down again.

I have to learn how to not let people’s words hurt me as much as they do. ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.’ is a lie. Those words do hurt… but I have to be a wall, a rubber wall, and let those words bounce off. It is hard when you respect someone so much, when you look up to them so much… then they break you down. I work up the courage to ask for help, and then when I finally do… I’m insulted, burned, and smashed back into the ground. Then, I have to pick myself up and put myself through the same thing again and again.

Why?

Why do I do this? I have asked this time and time again. My husband has asked this. Why do I keep coming back for more and more abuse? …because I respect this person. Because I look up to this person. Because this person has worked so hard to get the business she wanted. Because I want to be as successful as this person. Because this person is an inspiration to me, and I feel I should take the abuse. I should throw money at this person and have them teach everything they know to me.

4/5 Rain through my screen

What do I feel about this person?

-Intimidation
-I feel small when I talk to this person
-I freeze, can’t speak, can’t think logically
-Insignificant
-Like I won’t amount to anything
-I don’t know anything about my career… like I am a fraud.
–I feel scared of this person

Does anyone have the same feelings about another person? How do you handle your feelings? What have you done to keep it together when speaking to him/her?

I’m struggling to put what I want to say into words. I’m scared because I haven’t told many people about it. Will I be judged? Who will be there for me when I need them? Will people understand? Does it even matter? Do I even care? Will I be ridiculed? Is it my fault?

I’m struggling to decide how to put the experience into words. Everyone would see, would know.

I’m scared of how I will feel. I’m scared I’ll start having the nightmares again.

I’m scared it will come back and I won’t sleep. I call them demons. Whispers in the night. Shadows all around me. Enveloping me. At night, the darkness owns me.

I’m scared of people knowing.

Or worse. Confronting me about it.

I’m not a full person anymore. Something was taken from me. I think this was the beginning of when I started to lose pieces of myself. That’s when the darkness started. I’ve been dragged into the ground, where the pressure has pushed me down for so long. Hell, I was thirteen. I wasn’t even old enough to realize what I was feeling.

Am I ready to accept what happened and finally move on? Am I ready to talk about it? I’m sitting here right now, struggling to type the words. The words are so simple. If I can’t type them, does that mean I’m not ready? Do I have to force myself to do it? I think I might vomit. Or scream.

The whole reason I started typing, instead of doing talk therapy again was for this reason-to discuss what happened. To put it down in words. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to open up this chapter of my life. Everyone will know. I will be an open book.

If any of you watch “Private Practice”, the spinoff series from “Grey’s Anatomy”, this will make sense. Dr. Turner, a therapist, was pregnant, and was seeing a client whose baby had died. The client assaulted Dr. Turner, and cut out the baby from her stomach. She kidnapped him and left Dr. Turner to die on the hardwood floors of her own house. She was saved in time, but had intense PTSD. She went to a therapist to overcome all her struggles, and then wrote a book about it. Every detail was in this book. Clients, people on the streets, clerks, employees, doctors – everyone knew about her incredibly painful, intimate story.

No, this didn’t to me. But people approached her about the story and asked her questions. It helped her. Will it help me?