Sunday, July 29, 2012

*This is not a sponsored post - though I did get stuff for free, it wasn't in exchange for a blog post. It was because I won a contest. I'm writing this post because well... because I just wanna.*

A few weeks back I entered a contest on Pinterest. The website Green Smoke asked us to choose our favorite of their new battery designs on their website and create a pinboard on Pinterest with pictures of them. So I did, not really thinking I'd win - but thinking that their New Orleans Battery was pretty freakin' awesome.

AmIRight??? Is is not freakin' awesome?

I had never tried any of their products - though I do follow them on Twitter and Facebook because I investigated their products when I was first shopping for vapor cigarettes to replace my regular cigarette smoking habit. Ultimately though, I initially chose Blu eCigs over their's because they were cheaper and seemed to be of similar quality. They also came with a travel case/battery charger that I thought was pretty awesome.

I was wrong about the similar quality part though. The Blu cig flavor cartridges are slightly better in terms of taste compared to Green Smoke's, but ultimately I ended up spending more on Blu Cigs because I had problems with the charger case. It stopped charging after a month. The company didn't replace it after I complained but I still decided to give it another try - so I bought another one. It did the same exact thing. After 30 days the batteries stopped charging in the case and they wouldn't always hold a charge - even after charging them in the wall or USB charger. Their products ended up being faulty and unreliable - which was a disappointment.

So last week I get an email informing me that I'd won Green Smoke's little Pinterest contest and that my prize - drum roll please - was a credit for $250 dollars worth of their merchandise! HOLY CRAP! I felt like I'd won the lottery. So I went shoppin'!

One of my favorite things about Green Smoke was their sparkly carrying case. So that went in my shopping cart first. Even though it does not charge the batteries, so far it doesn't matter. The batteries have yet to run out of power on me - I can smoke them for at least 2 days before having to charge them.

Then of course, I got my snazzy New Orleans Designer Battery. My next pick was their Green Smoke Pro Starter Kit - which contains all the necessities:

1 Long Rechargeable Electric Cigarette Battery

1 Short Rechargeable Electric Cigarette Battery

2 Packs of FlavorMax Cartomizers (10 Cartomizers)

1 USB Cigarette

1 USB Charger

1 High Powered Wall Adapter

1 High Powered Car Adapter

1 Green Smoke User Guide and Membership Card

Then finally, I picked up some extra cartomizers to try out...

The verdict is still out on how these eCigs will work long term - but I got them in a matter of days and have already been using them for about 4 days. So far so good. Oh - and I've already lost one of the batteries. The short one... which was also the pink one :( hopefully it will turn up somewhere... I'm also sad that the cartomizers aren't very flavorful - but hopefully Green Smoke will get that part straightened out!

Friday, July 20, 2012

I like WTF? blog post titles that only tie in to a small portion of the post in it's entirety. That makes the reader have to work to figure out how the title ties into the post. Sometimes it doesn't really. This time it kinda does. Keep reading...

Just in case anyone was worried - I was not asphyxiated by a Suicide Asphyxiation Assassin Fly in my sleep last night. So you can all relax, because I'm sure you were worried. His 24 hours must have run out first. I got lucky.

Today I went to the doctor, for lots of poking and prodding and blood draws. Which I think was a rather stupid thing to do to a possibly anemic person who has already lost too much blood. But I'm no doctor... I've decided to write about this illness and my experiences with it - even though people don't like to read about lady bit problems. But there must be someone out there with the same problem as me. No one seems to be able to figure out why I just won't stop bleeding. But I'm persistent in that "I won't leave you alone until you give me an official diagnosis" kinda way. And if there isn't a diagnosis they can give me, then I'm going down in the history books and will get my very own disease named after me. Something like Heather McWhorters Disease. Hmmm. I don't like it. I'll have to work on the name a bit.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

He's a TOTAL asshole. I think he hates me. But I should be the one hating him - it's MY BEDROOM!

He keeps landing on my forehead so I will smack myself repeatedly in the forehead as I try to kill him.

I imagine he's one of those flies that says stuff like "why ya hittin' yourself?" every time he does it. Like an annoying uncle. Or big brother or sister. Because that's exactly the kind of stuff asshole flies would say, right? But only they'd say it in whatever language flies speak.

I also suspect that he plans to choke me in my sleep tonight. He's a very condescending fly.

Which may be self defense because in all fairness, I was trying to kill him first. But I think there's a statute of limitations on the whole self defense thing. Though statute of limitations might not be the right phrase to use here. I've been watching too many episodes of Drop Dead Divaon NetFlix...

But my point is that if he waits until I am defenseless to kill me, then it would be premeditated murder. And no one would ever believe that a fly killed me so I'm telling you all now. If I die of asphyxiation in my sleep tonight - check my throat for flies.

OH MY GOD HE'S A SUICIDE ASPHYXIATION ASSASSIN!

Also - I think that panicking about murderous flies is probably commonplace when you've had abnormally massive amounts of blood loss from your vagina. At least, I hope so. If I die from massive amounts of blood loss, also blame the fly. Even though that part wasn't his fault.

But take him to trial quick, I heard somewhere that flies only live 24 hours.

But back to the vagina bleeding - that's been going on for exactly 34 days. That's too personal for a blog post? I no longer care. You try bleeding for 34 days and tell me how inappropriate my blog venting is. In fact, you try bleeding constantly for 34 days straight - from anywhere - and not murdering someone. For the last 6 days I have been unable to get out of bed for longer than an hour or so at a time. THAT's what bleeding for 34 days does to you too. And it causes complications with your crazy. As in, it makes your crazy worse.

Now, if anyone knows how to make vagina bleeding stop, I'm all ears. If not, I'm going to bed to meet my fate with the annoying uncle fly. Remember - check my throat for flies.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

I was laying in bed - which by the way is where I have my best blog post ideas - and came up with a great idea for a blog post. I had it all written out in my head. It was awesome. All about uniqueness.

Then I forgot it....

So I got up , seeing as I couldn't go back to sleep anyway - and tried to start writing it. I was hoping that once I started to write, my memory would be triggered and all my great ideas would come back to me. That didn't happen... because I got distracted by all the crazy shit that came up when I googled the word "unique".

Like this:

No, that's not an artist's rendition of a pound of fat - it's a silk hat. Apparently...

So instead of a deep, intellectual blog post all about the inter-workings of the human psyche, here's more talking animals...

Thursday, July 5, 2012

For as long that I can remember I have battled depression, fought and repressed anxiety, and been in constant battle with myself - thus creating my own little personal mental hell. You wouldn't know this unless you knew me really well. You may think you DO know me well - but there are very few people who actually do. I'm careful about who I let in. I like to hide "me". I hide from opening myself up to others, rather well in fact. Those who get too close I often push away. And those who approach me with a genuine interest in knowing me, I frequently attempt to scare off quickly. Some of you persist - and I love you for it...

Very few people have been allowed to see who I really am. I knew from a very early age that people were cruel, mean and sometimes down right nasty. I had a hard time deciphering between the good ones and the bad ones - at the time. So I simply avoided them all. Now I am better at deciphering, but I still avoid them all. Old habits die hard I suppose.

I do this because my conversations - with everyone - inevitably turn to my weight and how I need to lose some of it because it most certainly can't be good for me. You're just concerned for me... right? Like being overweight is a death sentence. (contrary to popular opinion - it's not. fat people live to ripe old ages too. skinny people become diabetics, people who are slim also have knee replacements, hip replacements and any other ailment that is commonly termed a "fat disease".) I've only had two friends in my life who didn't try to change me - but gently encouraged me to be the best person I could be. Two.

This past weekend I asked myself a very important question... At what point in my life did I allow someone else's opinion of me to outweigh my own? And who was this person anyway? I can't even remember - I don't know if the person ever even existed or if it was just "society as a whole" that I felt was against me. Because they are. Fat people are second class citizens. We get judged before we say a word. We are labeled as undisciplined, stupid and just plain lazy. But I realized that I actually really like who I am - so why on earth am I hiding? Why am I allowing other people to dictate my happiness?

It mostly has to do with my weight.

Well let me tell you a little story... I've been fat all my life. That's right - I said FAT. We all need to stop being so scared of that word. It is arguably one of the most taboo words in American culture. No one wants to ever become that dreaded word - fat.

"Ohhhh my GAWD I ate a cupcake! I better do an extra 30 minutes on the treadmill!"

No. Eat your goddam cupcake and don't apologize for it.

Hey... everyone?

Fat isn't a bad word - it's a descriptive word. Like tall, fair, sharp and new. I reject society's attitude toward me and all the other fat people in the world. I realize that I've managed to put off basically everything important in life until I "lost some weight" because everyone always told me I wouldn't be able to do anything until I "got some of that weight off..."

Hey - guess what... I've accomplished quite a lot with all this extra weight on and I'm not going to keep waiting to live my life until I reach some unrealistic ideal of myself. 32 years is long enough to wait. I've always been fat, I've never been skinny - but what I have always been is HEALTHY. All of my vitals are normal, I am not a diabetic, or even a borderline diabetic.

"You'd be such a pretty girl if you just lost a little weight...." I can't tell you how many times I've heard this through-out my life. Guess what... I'm a pretty woman now. And a few extra pounds doesn't change that.

I can't even really pinpoint the time in my life at which this disordered thinking started. But for some reason last weekend it really hit me like a brick to the head that I was being my own worst enemy. Why on earth would I treat myself that way?

After much pondering and introspection - I have decided that I don't care anymore.

Today I end a lifelong battle with myself. Not in the future when I fit into smaller clothes. Not when I finally have the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect living situation and the perfect family. I start living for me today. Today I start being comfortable in my own skin. I don't remember a time when I wasn't on a diet or planning my next diet.

Where has it gotten me?

Nowhere but fatter.

So I quit. Today I embrace me. The good AND the bad.

And there's plenty of both...

Who am I?

I'm whiney, messy, moody and can get a little out of control. I can be selfish and I can be overly generous. I hate to clean and cook - unless I'm in the mood for it - and I'm always late for everything. ALWAYS.

I'm creative, brilliant, stylish, beautiful, dedicated, fascinating and excellent at writing things that make you feel... My pluses outweigh my minuses but most people don't wait around to see. They judge the outer package.

Good riddance to all those people. I have finally discovered the truth: I never needed people like you anyway...