Monday, May 16, 2011

It's a Gift: Your Mudflaps, Your Message

Generally speaking, I'm not what you'd call a "goal-oriented" person, but that doesn't mean I don't have dreams. Like any human I have my aspirations that serve as beacons and influence my life decisions. Sure, I don't aspire to much, and while some might call that lazy I prefer to think of myself as an "ambition minimalist." Here are my primary dreams:

Not only am I tremendously excited about this opportunity, but I'm also relieved, for the organizers are allowing me to speak in American which means I won't have to fudge my way through the presentation by reading off Ikea furniture names in an authoritative manner. If you're in or around Göteborg on or around that date I sincerely hope you'll attend, and if you can show me where Göteborg is that's even better, since like most Americans I can't even find my own country on a map, much less somebody else's.

And don't tell me to just use the Internet, either. Like most Americans, the only thing I can find with that is dirty videos.

Speaking of both dreams and being immortalized, bicycle cycling advocate and giant suit enthusiast David Byrne undoubtedly realized one of his own dreams when he was recently immortalized on the cover of Momentum Magazine:

A Novelty Car Air Freshener To Hang from the Rear-View Mirror He Does Not Have

A Set of Custom Mudflaps That Say, "I Don't Have A Car:"

Actually, I suppose that last one could have been an ironic gift from Brian Eno.

Anyway, I wanted to show David Byrne my appreciation for all he's done for the "bike culture." However, I couldn't just send him a $40 gift certificate to AutoZone, so instead I decided to honor him by using his birthday as a Day of Reflection. And what did I reflect on? Well, David Byrne, naturally. I started by asking myself the following question:

"What do I know about David Byrne?" Without resorting to the Internet (where I'd only be able to find dirty videos anyway) I realized I knew three things:

1) David Byrne likes to ride his bike;

2) David Byrne does not have a car;

3) David Byrne was in the Talking Heads, who got their start in storied New York City rocking and rolling club CBGB--which, in a neat bit of irony, is now a John Varvatos clothing boutique:

It is a rule of physics that all things tend towards douchery, and CBGB is a good example of this. Simply put, things no not stay cheap and interesting forever. You can call it selling out, or gentrification, or Disneyfication, but if enough people like something eventually someone's going to be willing to pay a premium for it, and it will finally reach a point at which the people who made it interesting in the first place will no longer be able to afford it and only the shell will remain. It's not right or wrong, it's just the Physics of Douchery. Hence CBGB being unable to afford its rent, and instead of playing host to a bunch of actual dirtbags paying small amounts of money to be entertained, its shell is now home to douchebags paying large amounts of money to look like dirtbags. Consider that John Varvatos's chief contribution to the popular culture is the overpriced grungily-bedazzled Chuck Taylor:

Though you can also buy a $645 "Bowery Boot" that looks the way a cheap pair of boots used to after its owner shuffled in and out of CBGB for a couple years:

Continuing along this line of thought on my Day of Reflection, I stumbled upon another neatly ironic little tidbit. While David Byrne makes music and in his spare time talks about how he likes to ride bikes, John Varvatos makes clothes for douchebags who want to look like they play music, and in his spare time does Chrysler ads:

Generally speaking, I have absolutely nothing against cars, or commercials, or even car commercials. However, in terms of sheer douchiness I found this particular car commercial tremendously offensive. Basically, here's what it's saying:

1) John Varvatos is from Detroit and designs overpriced, douchey clothes while listening to the Stooges;

2) Chrysler is a Detroit company (though from what I can tell the particular model in the ad is made in Canada);

3) Somehow, this Canadian-built car that John Varvatos had absolutely nothing to do with is cool like the Stooges.

Sure, I suppose the ad is honest in that it's saying if you're the kind of idiot who would pay $675 for a pair of "Bowery Boots" you'd also feel at home in a 300, but it's still pretty depressing. I suppose whether it's putting studs on Converse or making a commercial that's essentially just a half-assed game of "Six Degrees of Iggy Pop," the goal is just to reduce everything to easy references and render them compatible with our modularly idiotic plug-and-play bullshit culture.

I guess what I mean with all of this is that I'll take David Byrne bragging about not having a car over a bunch of douchebags trying to convince me to buy one.

"You'll really get to know us by going to the places we go to... It can become a glimpse of our lifestyle," says Mike Giant, and I'm glad finally someone has taken it upon himself to create the definitive Aging Hipster's Guide to San Francisco's Mission District. Sure, you can turn off your phone and wander with a paper map--just as long as you've watched an Internet documentary about the map and have a full understanding of its compelling backstory first.

Speaking of art, as I mentioned on my Emergency Blog, I had extended the deadline for the "There Will Be Action Wipes" contest, but this extension officially ends NOW. In the coming days I will share some more entries and eventually choose a winner, but given the sheer volume of greatness this is going to be a formidable task. For example, I've received not one but two Warholian submissions. There's this one:

And this one:

There was also this entry, which the submitter appropriately titled "Masterpiece:"

More in keeping with the "international symbol" theme was this submission, entitled "All You Haters Action Wipe My Elephant Trunk:"

While it's easy to imagine this sign gracing the side of a desert highway:

Hopefully John Varvatos takes note when he blasts by in his Chrysler 300 while blasting the Stooges.

I loved Iggy Pop, so when "Lust for Life" was used in a Disney Cruises commercial, I died a little. The auto companys have only needed a decade to catch up to Disney's douchieness. Guess those bail-outs were worth it after all.

CBGB 1988: Sonic Youth. I sat at a table near the stage smoking weed near Kim Gordon. After their set I walked up to Kim while she was packing up her bass guitar and said, "I like the way you play". To which she replied, "thanks". Two decades later I walked past her on Lafayette St and I yelled back, "I love your music!". She turned back to look at me and said, "thanks". John Varvatos is a douche and that's from personal experience, too. I'm glad you mentioned Brian Eno.And Iggy and the Stooges. Got tonight's playlist.

Some years ago I almost tore my head off when "Lust for Life" was used in a commercial for a cruise line or a car or something. It was family themed and just used the intro, no lyrics about beating one's brains and sleeping on the sidewalk.

I know it's kind of a Byrne-esque thing to say,but this is one of the reasons I stopped watching T.V.

Maybe this Day of Reflection is a good time to start refering to David Byrne as "the David Byrne". After all, he is bigger than life, I'm told that he is the center of the universe (or maybe everything revolves around him, I can never remember which), and it just might piss off a few more fans of the group known as the Talking Heads. BTW, he doesn't own a bike.

While I'm delighted to hear that you're coming over to Sweden, I'm somewhat disappointed to hear that you'll be appearing at a festival organised by a club that ride "mainly for aesthetic reasons"

Give GBG the heave ho and come down to Malmö instead. It's pan flat down here which makes riding pleasant and, as copenhagen's just across the bridge you can even see the huge ego of the Copenhagen cycle chic guy on a clear day.

@XYXAX, It was winter, Jan or Feb, I don't know if the album was out, but if memory serves me right they played 'til closing time and must have covered most of their material. I also have a funny Joey Ramone story, but I'll save it for later.

OMG, the naked recumbent lady with a face transplant…and she’s now the Time Traveling Tri Dork. Complete with Wipes! Winner! Winner! Winner…of the art category. Caution, Fred Ahead, is classic. Many good entries to win the Liz wipes.

To settle THE question: David Byrne, Jerry Harrison, Chris Frantz and Tina Weymouth recorded a live album at Chris and Tina's loft in Long Island City and called it THE NAME OF THIS BAND IS TALIKNG HEADS.

Man, we are brimming over with old musical references today - pick of the crop has to be Twistyface with Half Man Half Biscuit's almost finest three minutes. Yes yes to the Recumbabe Fred splice, which was certainly more artfully edited than that Mike Giant video - looks like someone spliced that with rusty shears.Meh.

That Chrysler ad took me on a mental journey of deconstructionalist doucherie!

1) Does Chrysler even make cars in Detroit anymore, or do they just ship 'em over from the Far East? They've got plenty of "blue collar attitude" over in China. And thanks to the ruthless cheapskate corporate overlords at companies like Christler, all of the actual blue collar JOBS as well. Go try to find a job in Detroit nowadays. It's a ghost town.

2) Varvatos didn't even have that album yet? He had to go buy it, in 2011? Loser!

3) "Rock & roll" as shallow marketing catch-phrase, deployed by well-fed middle-aged men from toney suburbs, who haven't had sex in a long time. Note that the song is "No Fun."

4) Yeah I'm pretty sure rock & roll was all about Chryslers all along, good call.

5) Actually, maybe it was. Cars and rock & roll: both arguably obsolete now. So I guess this is appropriate.

I have been to Gothenburg as well. I will always remember the breakfast buffett at the hotel...herring in cream sauce...herring in tomato sauce...herring in dill sauce...herring in garlic sauce...herring in about ten other sauces...

I want a Homer Simpson air freshener to hang on my helmet mirror. It won't make my helmet (or me) smell any better, but it will surely make me look hip (but not hip like a hipster. The good kind of hip).

Those Queens lard buttums who hate bikes need to be motored to the turd hole. This is why Obamacare was needed, to force them to bike for their own good and then to psychiatrically regulate the preachers and teachers that produced such creatures. Those birds in Bayside need to be psychiatrically tested for their driver license so they will lose their cars and so move out of town and stop voting for teabaggers.

Doping.Who cares?Ok, the only problem is with lies, and if you state you didn't take them and you did, and then that you never tested positive (implies you were clever and employed clever people)then ok epose. But for ever cyclists, footballers, endurance athletes have used performance enhancement, sometimes they just havent been able not to. So let draw a line somewhere, 2000, and say that what happened happened. I suspect in some of the tours we would need to disqualify the first 168 riders. I terminally bonked several times and would have sold or eaten my mother if it would have hepled.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!