I’m pondering a misconception I’m releasing around what it means to have “closure.”

I’ve been struggling mightily with what felt like a really crippling blow to my self-esteem. I kept performing autopsies on my relationship with The Dominant Guy to try to figure out what more I could have done to make it work. What I didn’t do. Where I fell short. What lessons I needed to learn. What I needed to do to grow and be a better slave, how I could salvage something so I didn’t feel as though I had made some terrible error.

And then, after a friend decided to yell at me for a while in the middle of the night, I realized that I had been approaching this from a POV that was damaging.

I did everything I could, and more.

I was transparent, open, available. I gave as much of my time as I could, and then some. I made sacrifices, and didn’t bitch about them, because I feel that is what I need to do as a slave. I deferred to the others in his life, as was necessary. Tiptoed around their feelings and idiosyncrasies. Did a fuckton of introspection in order to full manifest what slavery means…pulled myself out of some dark holes in order to triumph over my own fears…

And ultimately? That wasn’t enough.

Not because I am not enough. But because I was not being met with an equal level of drive, desire and commitment. Sufficient time, and space was just not being given to me, and the prioritizing needed to build our relationship was not doing well in the line-up.

And there was NOTHING THAT I COULD HAVE DONE to change that.

And as I tried to figure out what I could do to gain closure, I realized this: if I were to rely on an external force to get my internal closure, to have the reassurance from them that I did well, to get the attention I desperately craved in this time of change and loss?

I was fucking MYSELF. Again.

I will find my own peace. Conduct my own ritual. Lay my own wreath, singmy own dirge, and move myself the fuck on.

Because THAT is how I can best follow my Prime Directive and be ready.

28 Responses to “On “closure…””

It is so hard sometimes to realize that looking, again, to the outside is problematic. Especially when it feels like I’ve been so freaking caught up in my internal workings, thoughts, feelings, processing… that I just want to be outside of all of that, to find that something outside of that says I’m right, okay, surviving, whatever.

I guess that’s what a pulse is for, but other than that, so much has to come from inside. We have to know ourselves and love ourselves and… and give ourselves our own peace in our own way, because often we are really the only people who can truly grant our inner workings the closure, peace, silence, release that they need- no one else can really know what we need to hear or feel. It’s all for us, from us.

And that is hard… more often than not for me.

I applaud you, again, for taking steps to take care of you.

You are amazing.
You are strong.
You deserve equality in commitment and drive, even if the power in the relationship is not equal.

You deserve to be happy.

You are amazing. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, many many of us, who can commiserate from our own experience, or can find that we aren’t alone if we’re engaging in a new one.

Well said. I wish you a great recovery. slavery teaches us… “him/they” are important. I think as a slave I often forget once I give 200% they should atleast give 100%. I understand deeply what you write.

I witnessed a lot of your triumph & struggle through this, as you witnessed my own FGOs. All I can say is: you do it with a fierce grace that is inspiring.

Sometimes, there’s just nothing that can make it work, no matter how much love you pour into it. Coming to terms with that…is something I continually struggle with. I am glad you found this path thru the woods, lady. Thanks for sharing it with us.

Well then, you’re a fuck of a lot stronger than me. I keep itching to grab closure and yeah…acceptance/appreciation/attention…and even though half of me knows that this radio-silence ending is the smartest, the other half is a screaming wild animal shot in the leg. I want to know WHY I want to every detail, every nuance of why I wasn’t good enough even though in all my logic I should have been good enough and I certainly was better suited than the others.

But I’ve been stupid. And continue to be because I still can’t move on and move past. I can’t manage to date, or even fuck. Everything sexual that I see, damn near everything, I relate to him. “Oh he would have loved this” as I look at a sexy photo of someone. I read back to his old comments on my blog, our old chats, and see the old him and the old us and wonder…where the fuck did I go wrong. I think I know. I think I held on too tightly. Holding on too tightly to someone or something only makes them more slippery and likely to escape your grasp.
Like when Garfield squeezed Pookie and suddenly he went from teddy-bear shape to hour-glass shape.