American PR people make mistakes too – it/they errors in news releases: a 28 per cent word reduction

These PR Tools blogs mostly have covered press release mistakes from Canada Newswire but in the process of creating the How to Be a Better Press Release Writer Overnight, the second in the Better Writer series, the U.S. PR Newswire, also a Cision company, will be included. American PR people also pay

Essential lesson: in this news release, apart from reducing word count by 28 per cent, Hemp Falls commits among the most widely occurring PR writing mistakes: corporations, organizations and institutions are an ‘it’ in a second reference. ‘They’ refers to people. The college raised its tuition; the students voiced their displeasure. Here’s what this company distributed, along with the #1 cliché in PR writing, ‘is proud to announce.’

Original lead

NEW YORK, Oct. 3, 2019 /PRNewswire/ — High Falls Hemp NY is proud to announce the launch of their new website HighFallsHempNY.com. The new site not only features a fresh, modern design, in-depth product info and updated packaging, but also gets to the heart of how they craft, test and produce their high-quality CBD products.

High Falls Hemp verifies the content and safety of their products through testing by an independent, third-party, quality certified lab. These publicly available reports are accessible on theirwebsite, listed by batch – and are easily accessed through the QR codes on the label of every product. (94 words)

Better PR Writer edit

High Falls Hemp NY has launched HighFallsHempNY.com that not only features a fresh, modern design, in-depth product info and updated packaging, but also gets to the heart of how high-quality CBD is crafted, tested and produced.

A. High Falls Hemp NY is proud to announce the launch of their new website HighFallsHempNY.com. The new site not only features a fresh, modern design, in-depth product info and updated packaging…(31 words)

B. High Falls Hemp NY has launched HighFallsHempNY.com that not only features a fresh, modern design, in-depth product info and updated packaging…(21 words)

Commentary

‘Is proud to announce’ earns is place as the #1 cliché because it’s so obvious: why else issue a news release unless you are ‘proud to announce’ it. Moving right into ‘has launched’ the website saves time, as does explaining that an underlined phrase ending in .com is a website. ‘Their new website, highfallshemp etc.’ can be greatly shortened. This phrase eliminates the second website reference ‘the new site’ and combining the sentences for better clarity.

A. but also gets to the heart of how they craft, test and produce their high-quality CBD products

B. but also gets to the heart of how high-quality CBD is crafted, tested and produced.

Commentary

Note how the loose phrase ‘how they craft’ can be made more active with ‘how high-quality CBD is crafted, tested and produced.’ I favour constructions like these using the past tense almost like a passive voice.

After that eliminate ‘of their products, on their website, on the label of every product’ and almost 28 per cent is edited out, with the same (and more rapidly comprehended meaning). So many changes for one paragraph!