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Thursday, October 4, 2012

How to Rebuild Your Relationship with Your Adult Children after Your Divorce

The stigma of getting a divorce is starting to lift. According to AARP
(2012), divorce for people over 50 has nearly double since the 1990’s.
Retirement and empty nest syndrome are often triggers for relational tension
that result in divorce.

Adult children of divorced parents often respond stronger than people
would think. Expecting your adult
children to take it in stride might not be realistic. This can completely
change the relational dynamics. Children’s worldviews can be challenged by
this, they might start to question their childhood memories, and they might
even struggle with guilt. “My parents said they stayed together all those years
because of me.” Adult children might
view the situation as not just their parents separating, but rather that they
are “losing their family”.

So how do we navigate these murky waters and how do we preserve the
relationship with our adult children?

Try to understand what they are feeling.

This can be hard because you are going through a very difficult time
yourself –your divorce, but understanding that this is a trauma for your adult
children as well, can make it easier to response in a positive way to
them. Your adult children might be angry
at you, they might feel depressed or they might even try and fix the
relationship for you. No matter how your child responds, do not try to rush them
through their grieving process.

Try to respect your adult children’s boundaries.

An interesting dynamic that happens with parents divorcing with adult
children, is the parents often heavily depend on the children to transition
through the divorce. Parents might forget that the children are grieving too.
Your child may want to help but your child may not. Be aware that this might be
difficult for them, and look for other help if it is presenting as a problem
for your child.

Do not talk bad about your spouse to your adult child.

It may feel like they are an adult and they can handle it, but keep in
mind that they are not your confidant. Talking bad about your spouse to your
child could lead to your child taking sides, or it could hurt their relationship
with either parent. They may be mad at you for talking bad, or they may side
with you and be angry with the other spouse. Either response is not in the best
interest of the family. In addition to not being able to hear bad things about
your spouse, this also means your child might not be able to celebrate with you
different aspects of your new life that you may enjoy. Try to be sensitive to this.

Re-establish that your love for them has not changed.

Show your children with actions that even though you are not married
anymore, you still are the same person to them that you have always been. If you used to be a good listener for them,
continue to do so. If you used to go out to coffee continue that routine.

It can be rough, especially for the first year after the divorce. Do
not be afraid to seek counsel if you feel your relationship with your children
is severely damaged.

Reference:

Abrahms, S.,( 2012). Life After
Divorce: More Boomers are Calling it Quits after Years of Marriage.
Retrieved on September 20th, 2012 from http://www.aarp.org.

1 comment:

A lot of couples in our counselling in Richmond have major issues towards this. While most people deem adult children to have more tolerance towards divorce, they actually are more sensitive. Thanks for this wisdom. More power!

About Me

Katie Saint graduated from Lakeland College with a Master’s Degree in Counseling. Katie is dual certified as a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed, Board Certified Behavior Analyst. Katie is both an author and a therapist. Katie specializes in extreme behavioral problems. She provides individual, couple, pre-marital, and family counseling to children, adolescents and adults. Katie utilizes trauma informed care.
Katie has over 10 years working with adults, children and adolescents on the Autism Spectrum. She also offers an emotional control program for adolescents and adults struggling with impulsive behavior or emotional regulation. Katie utilizes a variety of therapeutic techniques including the combination of behavioral, cognitive and psychoanalytic tools. Katie works with clients at many stages in life; relational problems, transitioning through divorce, working through ADHD, PTSD, anxiety and depression, grieving a loved one, and other life stressors. Katie focuses on helping clients recognize and build on their own strengths to meet their personal goals.