he's no michele bachmann but he'll do

In what we can only interpret as a personal gift to Yr Wonkette, former Navy chaplain Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt announced Tuesday that he’s running for the Colorado House. Strangely, his announcement video didn’t mention his favorite explanation for how the world works: Demons. He has diagnosed Barack Obama as possessed by the hell-spawned spirits, and also explained that demons are responsible for making animals gay. He also believes Obamacare causes cancer and is open to the idea that civil unions are an exercise in mind control. In other words, he is the ideal Wonkette candidate for office.

Klingenschmitt has made something of a career of claiming that he is a victim of organized anti-Christian persecution, saying that he was forced out of the Navy because he insisted on defying Pentagon orders against “praying in Jesus’ name.” Except that’s not quite what the policy was — the actual policy never prohibited mentioning Jesus in worship services; rather, the policy required nonsectarian prayer by chaplains at “command functions” — essentially, invocations at ceremonial events that all personnel were required to attend. After Klingenschmitt turned the policy into a “we’re so oppressed” weeping point in the Wingnuttosphere, the policy was eventually reversed, and now enlisted personnel can be preached at during awards dinners, hooray. Klingenschmitt was also court-martialed for attending a protest outside the White House in his Navy uniform, in violation of a general order against appearing in uniform at political events. Again, he cites this as proof of his persecution.

We can hardly wait for his campaign to kick into high gear. Yesterday, after his campaign announcement, Klingenschmitt was back at his web-teevee pulpit, explaining that a transgender student using a locker room is “raping, at least visually, these teenage girls” by changing clothes in the same room as her classmates. And yes, he also explained that a “demonic spirit” was at the root of the trans student’s problems. It’s going to be a great campaign.

Kingenschimtt’s campaign announcement is below; we aren’t sadistic enough to ask you to watch the whole thing, but we would encourage you to check it out for the crappy synthesized heaven-music looping in the background.

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
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