Thursday, July 09, 2009

SighIt’s hard enough finding time to write posts but loosing one really sucks the fat salami.I don’t even want to talk about it.Everything has been in high gear here as I am trying to get things done before tomorrow when I officially start my fuck you tour.I get to tour around and if everyone else doesn’t like it well then fuck you.

The Bluesfest starts tomorrow and I hit the first set of concerts on Friday and through the weekend.Then I am falling off the map for five days and am not resurfacing until Friday.Saturday I have a wedding to go too.When does it all end?

My customers and family have not been making it any easier.I had one customer call me up the other day to tell me he was having problems with his computer.Seems every time he was trying to log onto the Internet his house alarm went off.He figured out the computer was triggering the alarm when the cops kicked in his door because he wasn’t answering the phone.

He called to tell me I did something to his computer that sets the house alarm of.I can’t see how that’s possible since the two don’t have any contact.\I asked him to log onto the Internet and tell me what happens and to call me back.He still has dial up so I have to wait for his call.

I wait for about fifteen minutes and nothing so IO called him and the phone was busy so I hung up.About an hour later he calls to tell me the43 police just left again and his wife was pissed.

Seeing as I was the last one and only one who repairs his computers I went to check see what the fuck he is talking about.I get to his place and look at his unit.It all looked ok at a glance and I went into the system files and looked there and everything was working fine.I queried the modem and it was working perfectly.WTF is he talking about?

I click on then Internet to connect and I am watching the modem but its not initiating so I quickly stop the process before the cops show up at the door again.I turn the computer around to see if the phone line was plugged into the modem and I see it wasn’t but I could see the fucken phone jack jammed into the Ethernet card.That’s why it was messing with the alarm.It was shoring out their system because he had is plugged into the wrong port causing the alarm to trigger and the cops to show up.

How fucken weird is that?With that out of the way I headed home thinking all the weird shit is done with for the day.Wrong.My mother called to ask me to come over.

My mother problem was different.I get there and she tells me there is something wrong with the washroom I just fixed.These people spend way too much time in the washroom.I asked what the problem is and she says when she goes to the bathroom the toilet flushes when she lowers herself to the toilet and it flushes when she goes to stand up after.

Huh?

How come I don’t have a toilet like that?I go downstairs to see what the fuck she is talking about.I walk to the washroom and I don’t hear water running.She tells me to sit on the toilet.I walk up to the toilet.Do a little up and down movement test the floor then flick the handle.Nothing

I walk to the front of the toilet and to sit on it and as I am lowering myself the toilet flushes.WTF!!!!!!!

I go to stand up and my mother tells me to sit there until it finishes filling.I wait………..By the time it filled I had to pee.When it did finish I went to get up and it flushed again.

This was weird.I took the lid off the back and stood there looking in at the new valve I installed and it looked and worked fine.It’s one of the new ones that you can adjust how much water to fill the tank.Before my father had a brick in the tank to take up some of the volume.NO, it stopped when it was supposed to so I put the lid back on then step back.The toilet flushed.

WTF!!!It’s got a mind of its own.But then again……...most people have their brains in their ass lately so why not a toilet that thinks.It would be like a meeting of the minds.

Remember the Ford Pinto story /myth?I think it was the Ford Pinto.There was a flaw in the car where that if you were making a left turn and the wheel was cranked to one side with the signal light flashing, if someone hit you in the back hard enough the bumper pins would penetrate the gas tank while driving it into the body of the car severing the wire for the left turn signal thus causing a spark to ignite the escaping gas fumes creating a big mushroom cloud in rush hour traffic.The toilet has basically the same problem but smells different.

My father had the chain for the tank plug leading to the handle taunt but it was sitting on a small piece of left over BRICK.So it wasn’t actually sitting down and the floor on the right side of the toiled is weak and when you step there the toilet shifts and the air in the plug makes up go up and flush the toilet.Solution, make the chain longer and take away any building blocks from your father.

It’s been crazy.I haven’t stopped.Buddy showed up the other day with a pile of cash and wanted me to go shopping with him so he would buy what he needed for a new place.Seems I know what I am doing.What he meant was he hates shopping, bitching the whole time, stomping around like a two year old.While he did his rain dance I managed to spend and chunk of his money which also meant I had to carry a 42 inch TV, 46 gallon aquarium with stand, a bed, another TV up two flights of outside stairs in the pouring rain.

Then I had to set up the tank and the TV because he was still swearing about having to wait five minutes for an Allen key from the salesperson at the store two hours earlier.Then when that was all done he wanted me to go out with him to pick up some pussy so he could get laid.Ummm, no.

He says I have the gift of the gab and wants me to do all the talking so he can get laid.I see……….okSo I tell him to drive me home first.We get to my place and I told him to wait and we did until this chick walked by and I pointed her out to him and ask him what he thought about her.He lit up and asked how I was going to pull that off and I told him it was a piece of cake then told him what to say to her and I left the car.In the morning the phone was ring, it was Buddy he said he was stopping by after he dropped the chick off near my place then to go get some fish for his tank.

At the store I tried to tell him he could fill the tank because it was still new and needed to sit a bit but he was to impatient.So I choose some cheap little fish to shut him up.This way he thinks he has 15 fish instead of a bunch of small fry.I didn’t want him to spend a lot of money and have them die because he put fish in a tank that wasn’t ready.I did condition the water and set it up right but a tank should sit for at least a week empty.As we were walking out something caught my eye and I went over and there was this white lobster in a tank and right next to it was a crayfish.Buddy saw the crayfish and he just had to have it so in a bag it went.$400 bucks later we're flying home to get them in the tank.

About two hours later his fish are in the tank and I am on my way home because I am being picked up by someone who blew his computer and I found another one for him for next to nothing compared to fixing the one he had.They wanted $300 to fix it and I found him a P4 gaming computer with two CPUs and four gigs of ram for $200.We just had to go get it.

He picked me up at 7:30pm and hopped on the highway and peeled down the road for about twenty miles them got off and as we were approaching the lights they turned red.I figured my customer could see its red but we were getting closer and the car wasn’t slowing down.I told him the light was red and he said” UH huh” but he still wasn’t slowing down but he was looking left and right.WTF?

“Are you going to slow down”?“I have no brakes, they are being done tomorrow”.“WHAT”?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...................

Now I am sitting here watching a snow white lobster mowing down all my aquarium plants waiting for D2 to come downstairs so I could take her to the dentist and for Inia to show up so I could start my holiday.

I'll be gone until the 20th and I don’t know if I will get the chance to put up a post before then but if I don’t, I hope all of you have a great coulpe of weeks and I will do my best to bring you back some pictures.

Hold on, the phone……….What?You went to the washroom this morning and the crayfish was there in front of the toilet pissing on the floor.You drunk?Yeah, yeah like I am going to believe that.