The birds and the bees – telling the truth

'Where do babies come from?' is a question many parents dread, and few want to answer. So what’s the best way to tell your kids about the birds and the bees?

At what age should you first talk to children about sex?

'Adam was five when he first really asked me about babies being made,' says Alex Chamberlain, a mother of three from Camberwell, south London.

'He had vaguely asked me before, but he was so young I fobbed him off with an answer about love and magic, which I wasn’t very proud of.'

Alex says she grew up in a strict house where sex was never mentioned and she was therefore terrified of boys until her 20s. 'I was determined to be more open with my children than my parents were.'

At the time, Alex had just had her third child and felt she owed Adam to tell him where his sister had come from.

'So I said that when a man and a woman get married and want to have a baby the man puts a seed from his willy in the lady’s tummy and a baby grows. He accepted it as simply as if I had described how to make a cake.'

Now eight, Adam still asks the odd question, which Alex says she tried to answer as truthfully as possible, but in a way that he can understand.

'Sometimes I think parents need to be told how to explain things to children of different ages.'

Whose responsibility?

With high numbers of teenage pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases among under-16s at an all-time high, sex education is a vital part of children’s learning.

But debate is raging as to whether it should be schools or parents who take that responsibility, and what parents should tell their children when the question is first asked.

'Certainly parents should not tell their children that babies come from under gooseberry bushes,' says Dr Bob Burden, professor of educational psychology at Exeter University.

'Although it is tempting to gloss over the question, it is important not to give a child a totally false impression, otherwise later in life they may wonder what more lies their parents have told them.'

Dr Burden believes that in the first instance, it should be the responsibility of parents, rather than schools, to talk about 'the birds and the bees' - parents should give their children the facts, plain and simple and at a level they will understand.

'Sex should certainly not be hidden and treated as a deep dark secret.'

Learning the basics

Current guidelines

Sex education classes are compulsory from secondary level onwards.

Department for Education and Skills (DfES) advice is that primary schools should tackle sex and relationships at the 7-11 age group.

This should ensure children know about puberty and how a baby is born before starting secondary school.

Earlier this summer, a government advisory group recommended that sex education should be part of the national curriculum for all key stages, including key stage one, which covers pupils aged between four and seven.

Under the proposals from the Independent Advisory Group on Teenage Pregnancy, four- and five-year-olds would not be taught the mechanics of sex. Instead, it could be touched on in discussions about where babies come from.

Gill Francis of the National Children’s Bureau and deputy-chairman of the advisory group says: 'If you establish the ability to talk about sex and reproduction in the very early years, when the time comes for more detailed discussions about sex later on, the children have a hook on which to hang the new information. This should be happening in every school.'

Too much, too soon

Although groups working to lower teenage pregnancy rates have welcomed the independent advisory group’s recommendations, in some quarters they have been greeted with horror.

Robert Whelan, director of the campaign group Family and Youth Concern, says sex education in primary schools is robbing children of their innocence and is a form of child abuse.

'Young children should get their information from their parents, not schools,' says Mr Whelan.

'Parents know their children better than anyone else and can gauge when they are ready for information. At school it is one size fits all.'

He says although some children are extremely mature and want to know everything at age seven, some 12-year-olds are still not ready.

Mr Whelan is also worried that many leaflets from the sex education lobby teach young children about sex in a way that is devoid of references to marriage and the family, and more about sex as purely a leisure pursuit.

Not just about sex

But it’s not all about the birds and bees. Although children need to be taught about sex and puberty, whether by their teachers or parents, it doesn’t end there.

Teenage pregnancies may have dropped by 10 per cent since 1998, but there has been a huge increase in sexually transmitted diseases in young teenagers.

In one recent survey of 144 girls under the age of 16 who visited the genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinic at University College Hospital London, two-thirds had a sexually transmitted infection and three-quarters said they were not using contraception.

And while your five-year-old will not need to know about STDs until they are a bit older, as with most things involving children, it’s always best to be one step ahead.

Jamel Oeser-Sweat (Tue, 29 Nov 2011 00:56:03 +0100): Four and Five years old might be too young for parents to have a serious discussion about sex with children. Sometimes, a more innocent approach should be taken in order to start the dialogue and lay the foundations for future discussions in the area. Parents looking for a non-biological way to answer the birds and the bees question should try Birds, Bees Babies which is the story of the birds and the bees. It is the story of how birds and bees make babies. It can be found on Amazon, B&N.com or at http://www.birdsbeesbabies.com and a video of the story of the birds and the bees being read can be found on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpcZd4Fc0Lc.

Bernardo Corleone Espericueta (Thu, 22 Dec 2011 02:06:07 +0100): I actually learned about sex by reading a dictionary. I think I was 10 or 11 at the time.

Bob Ketchup (Tue, 27 Dec 2011 19:18:54 +0100): I accidently discovered it when I was 7, I was surfing the internet and a was in newgrounds. I clicked the mature section on mistake.

Brezhane Flores (Sun, 08 Jan 2012 20:56:02 +0100): I had learned about this when I was like 9.

Nathan Messina (Tue, 17 Jan 2012 00:25:22 +0100): I learned about sex when my penis slipped in a girls vagina when I was 3 years old. I then jizzed out the window and it killed a bird.

Jasmine Cavanough (Sat, 02 Jun 2012 11:06:55 +0200): what is the STORY behind the birds an the bees.

(Sun, 23 Sep 2012 01:57:33 +0200): I don't get it? why is sex such a big deal? if your kids as, tell them truthfully, not some lie about "a stork" or something..

(Sun, 06 Jan 2013 01:03:05 +0100): LOL ME 2!

Michael Rokitko (Mon, 04 Feb 2013 04:29:42 +0100): when I was a kid, I thought babies were born by a boy kissing a girl. however, I think I was 10 or 11 and found out the truth about it. I had my first birds and bees conversation today and I have to say, there is no easy way putting it. glad I did though so she knows the truth and can learn.

(Thu, 31 Oct 2013 01:03:01 +0100): its disturbing for a child, they think it's gross. It's not a lie, it's just a better way to put it in sense... at least that's what i think.

Buy Steroids (Thu, 10 Apr 2014 13:30:42 +0200): my son is only four and despite my best efforts has seen the odd split seconds of a love scene on tv, afterwards he asked me why the man was pushing the lady :-)

Jenny Vaughn (Fri, 25 Apr 2014 19:50:59 +0200): Actually it is more than kissing. It is when a man and a woman who are married and want a baby make love meaning yes they have sex. I learned this at a young age when my Mom told me.

Jenny Vaughn (Fri, 25 Apr 2014 19:53:57 +0200): Uh the way I see it is male and female birds coming together and male and female bees coming together. Then when they ''fuse" an egg is made and laid.

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