Dave Schlenker: Pleased to 'milk' you. Thanks for your 'constipation'

On Thursday morning, a co-worker called and asked me to publish a breaking news story online.

"I'm not at the office yet," I told him. "I am home waiting for the roofer."

There was an awkward pause. "Well," he eventually said, "smoke it if you got it."

"What? I ..." Then it hit me. He thought I said reefer instead of roofer.

It was a funny moment by itself, but the misunderstanding also was timely. For the last week, I have been discussing tragic misunderstandings in text messages.

The still-evolving, gut-busting dialogue on social media started with this revelation: I am not a pervert, although my text messages sometimes indicate otherwise. You see, I am terrible at text messaging. My fingers often mistype things, and then auto-correct turns the words into something else. I often hit "send" before realizing what the final message said.

And auto-correct, it seems, has a very dark sense of humor. On good days, I just send bits and garbles — "At store banner, easing soon to stop Pubics. Need anything?" Other days, my botched text messages proposition people in lewd ways.

"You REALLY need to read your texts before you send them," my wife often tells me. She's right, of course. But my bad habit prompted me to ask friends on social media about their most embarrassing typing errors or communication mistakes.

Many responses are unprintable. Here are some that are on the cusp:

"'If you milk him tell him I said hello.' Auto-correct changed 'meet.'" — Larry

"'WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TELL MY BOSS' — sent it to my boss!!" — April

"I've sent letters that ended 'Thank you in advance for your cooperation,' and spell check changed it to 'constipation.'" — Tessa

"I once wrote the editorial page editor that my job had been 'illuminated' instead of 'eliminated.'" — Allison

"I am a Realtor and I sent a text about a lusting appointment instead of listing appointment." — Emily

"My 18-year-old daughter had moved into an apartment for college. I texted, 'I hope you're enjoying that nice gym they have for all the residents.' Spell check changed 'gym' to 'porn.'" — Sheila

"My pastor and my husband have the same first name. (I sent) a text asking if he'd take me on a romantic dinner date." — Kim. Note: This was not the only response I had in which texts were accidentally sent to pastors. This is just the only printable one.