Honestly, the site is chock full 'o so much garbage that it has become the new MySpace.

But beyond all the stupid vampire and zombie games, there is a solid social media site that can be useful for businesses.

For over a year, I have peaked at my 5000 friend limit.

However, people close their accounts or unfriend me from time to time. So I've always got just a few slots open.

Now as of this writing, I've got over 4600 people in my friend queue. They are waiting to be accepted or ignored as friends.

Obviously, with Facebook's 5000 friend hard limit, there is no way I can approve everyone. So I have to be selective.

But there's just no way to friend everyone, even if I wanted to.

So how exactly do I select which requests to accept?

To begin with, I'm going to show you what NOT to do. I hope you find it instructive for more than how to friend me, but also as a primer for properly using social media.

Here are ten ways to NOT have me accept your Facebook friend request.

1) The empy profile picture. What are you, the invisible man? Having a photo of yourself is one of the absolute basics of social media. If you don't make an effort to show me who you are, I'm not letting you in.

2) The Spamvertiser. I'm not sure what this clever individual was attempting to sell me and I don't care. Ignore.

3) The mutual friend pitch. I don't care if you know what my whole family has for breakfast. If you use this impersonal approach obviously generated by a silly Facebook app, we just aren't going to hit it off.

4) The walking, talking ad profile. Apparently this person is an ATM. I'm already friends with an ATM and it charges me fees every time I want to have a conversation. Not gonna happen.

5) The "You've got the wrong guy" invitation. Man that cruise WAS something awesome. Remember the ports... the weather... the food. Uh, no I don't. Because I wasn't on a cruise with you.

6) The Dustin Hoffman profile. Unless you are Dustin Hoffman, and clearly you aren't, don't use his profile pic. Be yourself, please. If I wanted to connect with Dustin Hoffman I'd watch Tootsie... again.

7) The Put a Shirt on It profile pic. Dude. Seriously. Do you really think I want to see the gun show? Three words. K-Mart. $11.99. Cotton.

8) The Scary Dude profile pic. This guy's picture is mild compared to some of the ones I see. If I friend them I'm afraid they are going to want to beat me up. Try smiling. It changes everything.

10) The "Ok, but who ARE you?" profile pic. This type accounts for the majority of invites I receive. I see a person's name and their photo. That's it. Unless I already know you, I don't have any reason to accept your invite. I don't know you. I don't know why you want to friend me. I'm totally in the dark. I won't IGNORE you, but I won't ACCEPT you either. You will sit in the queue until Facebook raises their friend limit. And that's not going to happen until the global warming nuts admit they were wrong all along.

So how DO you friend me on Facebook?

Assuming you haven't broken any of the cardinal rules stated above, how about just being yourself?

Since I have already accepted friend requests from those who did it right, I didn't have a live example to show you.

I asked Dan Nickerson, my VP of Ideas, to create a fake profile and request to demonstrate.

Let me be clear. You don't become my friend on Facebook by kissing up to me. This was just an example of one way to get my attention.

Social media is all about how we engage others.

If we are sloppy about it or seem that we don't really care, it's foolish to expect anything in return.

But if we establish a point of connection and appear interested we are more likely to receive reciprocation.

An invite to me may not have anything to do with my work. It may be to comment on another type of connection such as a place I have lived or visited. Someone may connect with me due to a hobby I have. It could be any number of the reasons.

The point is that the person requesting the friend connection is attempting to connect with me in a meaningful way.

When I initially used Facebook I accepted every friend request that came my way. If I could turn back the clock I would have been more selective. That's one reason I purged my Twitter follows a few months back.

Remember that social media needs to conform to your usage and not the other way around. Use it the way you want to and you'll not only receive the greatest benefit, but you'll also provide the greatest value.

Great insights Joel. I am a software developer working to get into the on-line content world. Top One report and Elevate have been helping work out the best way for me and I appreciate these insights from someone who has "been there and done that".

Why are you still using a personal page? You should have a FanPage for 90% of the people you have on your personal page. Then clean out your personal page. but make it really clear to people who search for you -

Brilliant - perfect and relevant. So many of those rules apply to social networks across the board and while I may not quite be as popular as you with over 9500 people wanting to befriend me, I do feel that authenticity goes a long way in who I choose to share my cyber air with. As one additional note, I do drop 'friends' from time to time for spammy behavior, excessive mob wars and farmville posts, and putting stupid gifts on my wall repeatedly.

Hi Joel,
Thank you so much for these tips. I am just starting my FB friends and I am now in 400 but sometimes I wonder do I really want anybody just for the sake of numbers.
Now with your tips, it will be more meaningful for me.

Joel,
I thought about sending you a friend request after I watched the replay of the Facebook webinar yesterday. However, you said that you had already reached the 5000 limit and I figured I'd be number 5001 so why try. Good point about who to be friends with. I get requests from people I don't know but since I don't have that many friends I usually accept. Who knows, they may visit my website when they see my profile.
Brad

I appreciate all the points you made regarding what not to do on social media. For me, the jury is still out on all the great benefits of it, because I have heard so many pros and cons. One of my concerns is the time element devoted to these efforts. I have checked out some of the social networks and yikes! What planet are some of these people from?

Do I even want to spend hours to wade through the jetsam and flotsam to get to a place where I can make a contribution and then start making it work for me to some degree? I have to think about that one.

Joel, you nailed it with this one. I don't have a huge friend list on Facebook because I am particular with who I friend. Games, I'm sure they're fun, but if I want to play, I'll find my way and my personal pets are the only "farm animals" I care to take care of. Thanks for putting it out there, these are definitely high on my list of "not to do's". I totally agree with Stacy, these rules should apply to Social Networks across the board.

Love it! I'm no where near my 5000 friend limit but I ignore people all the time who "just show up". They're either people in my business (real estate) or people that want to sell me something (like real estate marketing things that cost gobs of money). Occasionally, someone will write a little note. How refreshing.

The "friend" who plasters your wall with love/smileys/gifts, desserts, asks you to adopt some poor sick seal, announces their latest hitman job on your feed, and toots their latest farmville'ing triumph.

Joel,
Thank you so much for these tips.I love the pics to illustrate your points. Some people just do not get how to properly use social media.
I don't have a huge friend list on Facebook because I am particular with who I friend.

So if you're the Dustin Hoffman Impersonator with huge guns that met Joel on that cruise and thought it would be funny to use the picture of yourself shirtless playing dead and looking mean - hold off on the Friend Request for now!

Loved this post. You've articulated what I've wanted to express for some time. And alas, though I'm not quite as popular as you are, I've also got a bunch of "friend" requests from individuals who don't understand how to connect. I keep promising to go through them all but...

Hey Joel :),
Nice post. Although I sent you a regular friend request few weeks ago, with a comment that I have read your AdSense secrets book, and a question about it in a request, now I know that I'm actually waiting in a 4600 friends queue. So, I'll be patient :)... Anyway, this "How to become my FB friend" guide should be posted on a Facebook homepage, as a FB manner :)! Thanks for the post :)!
Greetings from Serbia :)!

I have reached my 5000 friend limit and have 2000 pending requests and have created my fan page. I agree with most of your criteria except one... I have approved friend requests from people with whom I have many mutual friends in common. Your peer group says a lot about you and when I look at the list of mutual friends, I know if it's a fit or not. Have made some amazing real world friends this way :)

I'm glad I was accepted early on last year as one of your connectoins. I don't have as many connections to worry about my limit but I do follow most of your advice...I love the way your personality comes through your blog. I met you at Never Work Again workshop two years ago and you are just a great guy to know. I took my kids and of all the speakers there, you were the only one that inspired them to build websites and read your book, the AdSense code.

Joel- why not create your own community? Facebook is a great place to find and aggregate friends and fans- but with a 5k limit, you are essentially bottlenecked for long lasting returns.

Set up a community site with Social Engine with your own domain and own the entire flow- ads, downloads, membership fees etc. It's a sweet platform.

The pre-req to be accepted to your community could be- having read one or more books, fill out a Social Media quiz with weighted questions to see if people actually have more than a superficial interest with you and your know-how and perhaps a forum for ideas and suggestions- some of which may make it into some form of recognized IP for your next project.

Heck, I know where to find you so I am not even asking to be your friend on FB!

OMG, I'm so in love with this post. LOL! Unfortunately, this is so true! My fave is #8 -- I've definitely had a few of those. got to be kidding me if they think I'm accepting those friend requests!! Thanks, Joel. Maybe I'll get to see you at a Peaks event this year.

Dead on--every single one of them. Despite being the furthest thing from a Facebook power user, I already employ many of these criteria. Thank you for putting it all down in a succinct and coherent form.

I totally agree with most of your 'rules' although I have accepted myself a few people who weren't fully complying, lol... but I knew them before.

The worst thing, IMHO, is the faceless/picless profile.

As for myself, I always take the time to communicate first. Even when I get invites from others, I better appreciate the ones telling me something that I can relate to. I go study their profile and info, hobbies, etc...
If we're a good match, I usually accept.

When I am sending invites, I usually do the same, up to the best of the knowledge I have or can get about the person.
The Internet is full of profiles (not only on FaceBook) where to look for..

However, when I started, I reckon I was taking the "We've got 47 common friends already.." approach. I see now it was dumb.

I recommend a better one... "We still have no common friends yet, what about starting now?"

Anyway, on a different line of thought... I'm just wondering... why aren't people using FAN pages more (no FANs limits) instead of personal profile ones? Keep that for family, close friends and such...

I think you'd find me a bit too strange to be your FB friend, with my interest in mushrooms, herbalism, and Pagan and Burning Man communities. I friend almost anyone who asks, because I can. And because they probably have some interest in the same things I do. On occasion I post, "still not doing FB apps" for the farmers and such.

I think your post and policies are great. Right now, I'm not sure what I want out of facebook, so I'm not sending a friend request. I've approved too many, and need to clean mine out too - so I think I will between work bouts tomorrow.

This is my first response to your posts, so here's some info. I've worked on computers for 42 years, own my own business since 1984, do some affiliate work and also am getting into Adsense. Also, believe it or not, I'm a professional gambler, and usually win about $1500 to $4500 a month just playing around.

Just thought you'd like to know. For a picture of me, look me up on facebook under my real name above. Drop me a line any time... I'll reply.

Sir, I was laughing! while looking at your blog. I didn't even tought about putting myself on face book.

Come to think of it I rather stand with my relatives dressing up in our native traditional costume in my village while am holding onto a labtop computer with an Internet connected USB and post it to the world to see.

#10 is a big one for me. WHO ARE YOU? I don't know you, you don't personalize the message, but you want to be friends? Take a second and tell me why. And if our mutual friends are people I don't know well, that doesn't help your case and makes me think you'll friend anyone. And if we have NO mutual friends and you didn't come across me via "friend finder" I'm wondering what it is you want from me exactly. Given that my profile is private, you clearly didn't SEE any INFORMATION about me that made you want to friend me...so what's up?

I've stopped friending who I don't know if they don't bother to write a message. If we met last night at a networking event, that's different.

The first thing that happens after I friend someone like this is that I get an onslaught of "be my fan" and webinar invitations. Great thanks - I don't know you! Let's chat a bit, online or off, let me get to know you, and then yes, I'll be a REAL fan.

I don't have 4,600 invites awaiting me, but I do have several dozen that are just sitting there. My brain got tired of trying to guess if I knew any of these people or not.

I think Joel, you have verbalized what many are thinking about "uncool" facebook behavior. I don't have anywhere close to 5000 friends, and yet there are double digits of ignored friend invites sitting in my queue. I don't know who they are or I already know to avoid them. I'm a little more personal on facebook than on linkedin and twitter so perhaps I'm a little pickier (but the follows with 0 tweets always get my thumbs down).

I do have a couple of facebook friends I'm thinking of dropping. it's all about what they are constantly promoting. I don't mind links to people's blogs or their latest campaign .. but is that all there is to you? Mix it up.

Just one more thing that I think is very telling. I have two twitter accounts, one personal, one business. The business one is struggling the personal is growing. That says it all doesn't it.

BTW, if you haven't checked out the oatmeal "how to suck at facebook" comic you should... it's hilarious.

Don't you delegate all of this stuff anyways? Someone wrote your blog, twitter and facebook? You might review from time to time. That's what I keep hearing at these business seminars I attend..... Which, then makes social media very impersonal because you have no idea if you or someone in another country is responding to your message..... :) Unless, it's all done by video!

Hmm......the "things" you have mentioned above is really essential to consider in case of popular social media like facebook & twitter. But would you tell me that how can i increase the follower of friend who are in my field but i don't know there?

Good list. Here are 2 more that get the Ignore button from me. #11 The 3rd Person: If your profile or friend request appears to be written about you and not by you (i.e. Dori is a very important person)...creepy! Dori does not want to be friends with The 3rd Person. #12 The Ego: cause it's all about you. Their request usually ends with something like, "...thanks for joining my circle of friends". Not.

Hi Joel, I am actually on that wait list :-)
I figure you'll decide when you get around to it, or not. Until then I read your emails and leave messages here. Either way, I learn a lot from you, so I'm not complaining.

> Remember that social media needs to conform to your usage and not the
> other way around. Use it the way you want to and you'll not only receive
> the greatest benefit, but you'll also provide the greatest value.

THAT is the most profound thing I've read about social media and business in ages. Everybody else is saying you've got to do this and that and the other thing, too. Look, I'm working a 65-hour a week job AND building my business on the side. I just don't have time to tweet 15 times a day or follow other people's every move.

But I DO have time to tweet about neat things I run into that are related to my niche a couple times a week. That much is still fun.

So thank you, Joel, for helping me to feel just a little less guilty. :-)

I got this today, It really pissed me off. I'm sure it's the first of many to come. (I deleted their "cause" because I don't want to promote a company that does this, very sneaky!I thought it was interesting that they used YOUR name. Wondering if they got your "fans" mailing list....or did you sell us down the river??? Barbie

Hey there,

It was so great to hear from you today!! I can't believe it has been six years since we talked last! Gotta love Facebook for getting us back in touch! :) I am dying to meet your kids, and I hope you can come out soon.... Although, I'd wait until summer if I were you. It's COLD! :) We should definitely not go this long without talking EVER again!

Here is the link to that DELETED Network site that I was telling you about. Remember to tell the people you invite that they can get paid on the purchases of anyone in their network. I do all of my shopping on DELETED now because it's so much faster, and the discounts are insane. (Not to mention I don't have to fight crowds and they deliver right to my door...yes, I'm lazy! LOL) Just from the people in my network, I have made $363 this month... I can not even believe it. Joel about fell over when I showed him how much the check was. I also don't know if I remembered to tell you (because I was so excited to be talking to you) that it doesn't cost anything to sign up or buy online. A lot of people thought that was the case when I first got them to sign up, but it really is totally free... When I first showed Joel the site, he was like, "yeah..whatever".. Now he's like, "This is awesome".. Uh yeah, ya THINK! Silly men... :0)

After I read this post, I sent you a friend request from Facebook for iPhone. I didn't realize until it was too late that you can't add any text to the friend request. I don't think I've broken any of your other rules though.

Hey Joel, when I opened your email that lead me here I almost closed it because frankly I spend very little time reading stuff that isn't educational. But, I thought about it and decided if it's from you then there should be a lesson in it, so I went ahead and read it.

Facebook is fielded with people that have nothing better to do than play those silly games. Maybe I shouldn't say silly because I guess they could be therapeutic for some.

I use to spend an hour or so connecting with people from my past, but then the farm-town, pet-ville, fish-world and many other gifts practically took over the facebook so I only login if I have something useful to share.

What those games have shown to me is everyone ran out of things to talk about so people replaced conversation with gifts thats worth nothing.

While writing this I checked to see how many pending gifts I have, and what I seen is it would take me hours I don't have to waste viewing them all.

If one plans to make it big like you Joel, then they need to focus on what's important.

Thanks for the read it did make me smile, and if you send me a friend request I'm 99% positive I'll accept it. But, please don't send a facebook gift along with the friend request.. :)

Thanks again Joel for this insight on facebook. I'm about creating a social profile there and this post has brightened my understanding of the DOs and DONTs. Nothing is as cool as being yourself. But wait a minute: why would someone want to be another person? Inferiority complex I think!

It seems like you base your judgement a lot on the profile pic. Ofcourse, its reasonable too when you get so many friend requests. But for me, I visit the profile of the sender to know what kind of person he/she is. That gives a lot of information on which I can base my judgment even if profile pic is missing or not real.

Joel, I'm with you on a couple of these.
1. Don't even have a Facebook page if you won't put a photo up.
2. Don't invite me without telling me why you're inviting me if I don't know you.

Finally, yes, make it yours. Decide how you want to use it (business and/or personal), and have a plan. It's still not the end all and be all of business or personal relationships. It's just one avenue of communication.

J.C.,Your rite about the friend approach many use to become a "friend".As to me i just don't want a lot of friends.When your name popped up in my inbox i thought oh great what the heck is this guy (or company using your or somebodies face) selling!and to tell you the truth i still kinda think that but your attack is not enough to just totaly piss me off to spam you.personaly i signed up for all these face/space base placesfor two reasons.#1 is because i am a musican clawing my way back into the loop after 12-13 years of hiates due to marriage kids mortages etc. The musican personel adds are inside these sites and they are a good source of information for locating musicans with similar styles/genres and you HAVE to have an account.#2 is my kids have accounts with them also and with both being out of the nest is a good way to stay in contact and if nobody ever noticed,people will"loosen up",especialy younger people and will not feel like there at an inquisition when communicating with mom or dad eh?.So in a nutshell,THERE YOU HAVE IT.P.S. I have friends,i just don't feel the need to have 3 or 5 or whatever thousands of friends nor do i need to solicite strangers to "won't you be my friend". Thanks man,I'M OUT!

Hi Joel...you made me really laugh out loud. I just re-opened a facebook account and what you've written here comes just in time. I intend to keep my friends list within my family who are scattered around the globe. Oh by the way, I'm one of your newsletter subscriber.

Very entertaining. Glad I made the cut many moons ago. I remember meeting you at a Peak Potentials event where you stripped down in front of us. I think I'll just let that remain and invite readers to imagine what that means.

Regarding posting a photo, it is sooo essential. I'm a dating coach and before I got married, I had my share of online dating adventures. Guys without photos.....huh? They need to look up the definition of "social media."

And as for the advertisers, you know the ones (although you've obviously been more discerning and NOT friended them) who remind, nudge, hard sell every coupla days, crowding my inbox --- just begging me to hit delete? THOSE people drive me nuts.

And, that said, there is fine line, which I'm trying to find between being THAT person that inspires a delete on the other side and really, truly providing useful information. It's a process....

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INFORMATION

Joel Comm is an Internet entrepreneur who has been online for over 20 years. In 1995, Joel launched WorldVillage.com, a family-friendly portal to the web which enjoys thousands of visitors each day. Joel is the co-creator of ClassicGames.com, which was acquired by Yahoo! in 1997, and now goes by the name Yahoo! Games. Since then, Joel's company, InfoMedia, Inc., has launched dozens of web sites which offer online shopping, free stuff, website reviews and more. Joel is the author of many popular books, including the NY Times Best-Seller, The AdSense Code. He regularly makes appearances at Internet marketing conferences and seminars.

FTC Disclaimer: Posts written before December 1st, 2009 may include endorsements of products or services that include a material connection to the author. Readers should assume a material connection for any product or service endorsed prior to December 1, 2009.