Jack Nicholson Reportedly Retired From Acting

Jack Nicholson has openly admitted to doing mountains of cocaine over the years, so I’m willing to accept the possibility that he suffers from memory loss to the point that it’s affected his acting, and that his new mission in life is to be Sean Connery. Which is a.) boss and b.) an entirely plausible scenario for Jack Nicholson. Radar reports:

Jack has — without fanfare — retired,” a well-placed Hollywood film insider confirmed to Radar.
“There is a simple reason behind his decision — it’s memory loss. Quite frankly, at 76, Jack has memory issues and can no longer remember the lines being asked of him.
“His memory isn’t what it used to be.”
…
“He’s not retiring from public life, at all. He just doesn’t want a tribute,” added the insider. “He’s happy to tacitly join the retirees club like Sean Connery.”

The good news is that Jack Nicholson will still show up to award shows and do amazing curmudgeon shit like randomly inserting himself into the photo shoot for Argo’s Oscar win and reacting to Jennifer Lawrence’s breasts in the most awestruck way any man has ever reacted to breasts since Adam went, “Yeah, yeah, don’t eat fruit. Let’s talk about these. How do I touch these?”

What makes this even more amazing is now we know when Jack Nicholson sees a pair of breasts it’s like the first time every time. I want memory loss.