31 December 2013

WELCOME, LAST DYING BREATH OF 2013! RATTLE YOURSELF INTO NOTHINGNESS, ALL THE WAY TO HELL

Hahaha and welcome to the 2013 Cupcaker Awards. What a crazy, butt-shaped year this has turned out to be, huh guys? Shine on for 6 more hours, you silly diamond. Then get out of my sight. Haha and welcome to the awards.

To get things started, we're bringing up America's favorite car to present our first award: Best Car of 2013. Gabe Kotter, get up here!

Honk honk

(audience laughs)

Hoooonk!

(audience sigh-laughs)

Honk?

(someone whistles over light applause)

You didn't let me finish - Honk? HONK.

(wild applause)

Thank you.

Congratulations on another year on top, Gabe! Can you believe how good he looks? Not a lot of cars can pull off handing themselves such a gaudy award and still looking like the most humble sedan on the road. Has he had work done? Haha and welcome.

There's a new dog in town and let's just say he's barking up the right tree! He's doing such a good job, in fact, that he's just won the Best Dog of 2013 award! (barking applause.) Bear couldn't be with us tonight, so he's sent along a thank-you picture:

Such fun we're having here tonight, the very last night of 2013. From here on out it's an even year, then a divisible-by-five year, then another even year...man, we've got some smooth sailing ahead of us. Tonight our troubles unwrinkle themselves. Tonight we drink just the right amount of champagne. Tonight we sing and dance and ring in the new! Hail, Atlantis! (Best Atlantis Song of 2013!)

27 November 2013

When the new tv season was starting, I decided to skip Super Fun Night until someone (anyone) told me they liked it and I should try it. That happened yesterday, and I watched it, and then I also watched the rest of the episodes available on hulu. Guess what, guys! I don't hate it!

26 November 2013

I think we can all agree that last week's Governor-focused episode was simply NOT enough Governor. So it's a great thing that, with this week's Governor-Part-2, we've now wasted 25% of this half-season STARING AT A ONE-EYED MORON. Congratulations, us! We did it!

21 November 2013

Last night's episode of Amhorst: Coven drove home the real point of the entire show: if you aren't having sex with dead people, you're seriously missing out. They can be ghosts, they can be reanimated bodies, look, WHATEVER, JUST HAVE SEX WITH THEM, YOU IDIOT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE MISSING!!!!!! SPHINCTER CONTROL IS OVERRATED!

18 November 2013

Remember at the end of last week's episode when we saw that the Governor had come back? Remember how happy we all were to see him and how much we wanted to know what he's been up to all this time? Me neither!

15 November 2013

In lieu of a recap, this week's shrine to Amhorst will be a hard-to-read stream of consciousness written while listening to Fleetwood Mac's Rumours:

Grace Gummer is a 1919 witch at the academy and the Axeman gets stabbed by billions of girls just like Julius Caesar. He deserves it but now it's like, what is he, a season 1 ghost? Can he hurt people or is he just a phantasm? Also the Axeman is such a stupid name for a murderer, but I guess you can't fault the nineteen-teens for coming up with stupid names. They did name the Titanic and the Great War and Woodrow Wilson. I feel like I went to high school with a kid named Woodrow?

07 November 2013

Last night's episode of Amhorst was one huge fever dream. LaLaurie reminisced about the days when she would fill a bowl with real eyeballs and trick boys into thinking they were just peeled grapes. Fiona wandered the halls of that hospital from Walking Dead, looking for pills and stillborn babies to bring back to life. And somebody gave Zoe a chainsaw. I don't know what I'm looking at anymore.

04 November 2013

: lack of interest in or concern about something : an indifferent attitude or feeling

There was absolutely no indifference in last night's Walking Dead. If anything, every character cares too much about other people's business. Daryl gets in D'Angelo Barksdale's face about his latent alcoholism, Michonne (who barely spoke last season) keeps initiating heart-to-hearts with Tyreese, and Rick and Carol spend way too much time chatting up suspiciously benign hippies. I guess if I were in a Zombiepocalypse flu outbreak, I'd want to focus on stupid minutia too. Like why the HELL this zombie is french-braiding my hair instead of FISHTAIL-BRAIDING IT! I WOULD ONLY CARE ABOUT BRAIDS!!!

31 October 2013

Happy Halloween! I have great news: somebody in the Amhorst casting department likes us, because as of last night, Leslie Jordan entered the show!! He's part of the ominous Council, and he's as petite and addled as ever. WELCOME BACK TO TELEVISION, BEVERLEY LESLIE! WE HAVE SORELY MISSED YOU!!!

29 October 2013

The title "Walking Dead" has always been a reference to the shambling corpses we lovingly call zombies, but since the end of the first season, it has also alluded to the latent infection every survivor carries, which turns corpses into zombies whether they died of a bite or not. With that news from the CDC, we learned that there are 2 types of zombie virus: the one that kills you quickly from a zombie-bite-caused fever, and the one that lies dormant in your healthy body until you die. Shambling or strolling vibrantly along, you're dead no matter what.

So is this new superflu a third version of the zombie virus? One whose symptoms kill you, just not as quickly as a bite? Is it just a regular old flu, but with no doctors or Zicam to fight it? What kind of flu makes people bleed from their eyeballs and throats? And where did it come from? AND WHY ISN'T CAROL EVER TAKEN TO TASK FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE?

25 October 2013

Coven is different from Murder House & Asylum by virtue of its interest in providing answers to the INSANE questions Amhorst loves to present. While Murder House made us wonder who the hell certain ghosts were, why they could have sex with and kill people, and what made that house so darn silly, Asylum threw even more questions at us without ever answering them (WHY ALIENS WHY ALIENS WHY ALIENS?). But Coven was more than happy, at least at the beginning, to explain everything right away. Why did Zoe's vagina kill that guy? Because she's a witch and witches have particular powers and this is her particular power. Who is the mysterious, all-powerful Supreme of the generation? It's Jessica Lange. But now things have changed. Now nothing makes sense. But not because they've stopped answering questions.

The denizens of Coven's New Orleans are complete psychos. They have no reason for doing anything they've ever done. Patti LuPone, God love her, barely reacts when her curtains catch fire - she just glares at Emma Roberts like she insulted her church dress. And Kyle Monster's child molester mom? In the immortal words of Jeannie Darcy, don't EVEN get me started.

17 October 2013

Time Warner Cable had a little trouble getting through last night's American Horror Story, so today I can only recap the portion of the episode I was actually able to see/hear/understand. 30% ain't bad! GETCHA SOME!

The Bayou?, not sure when: I guess Misty Day made it out alive from being burned at the stake, but my cable cut out so much of this part that all I caught is that she's in love with alligators now?

Ladies Dormitory, early morning: Emma Roberts plans to freak out Old Lady Cordelia by showing her bra, and Kathy Bates is hogtied and gagged in Jessica Lange's room. So in other words, it's a completely normal morning at Miss Robichaux's.

14 October 2013

After a long summer of 0 zombies, 0 reticent sheriffs, and 0 sleeveless ex-neo-nazis, I for one am ready to get back into the daily grind of post-apocalyptic prison life. AND WHAT A JOYFUL GRIND IT IS!

10 October 2013

This recap is rated TVMA LSV because the Language is physically abusive, the Sexuality is annoyingly loquacious, and the Violence is VERY, VERY SEXAYYYYYYYYY!

Dear American Horror Story,

Welcome back into my waiting arms, sweet prince! Since 2011, you've brought me a brand new horrible freakshow every fall, and for that I've pledged you my undying affection. It doesn't matter that last season spun out into a three-way alien marriage toilet flush! It doesn't matter that Dylan McDermott's oversexed haunches still plague my nightmares!! What matters is you've come back to me, flinging Jessica Lange's beauty at my eyeballs like a relief-pitching banshee. What do you have in store for us this season? I already know about the teen witches. And I'm VERY excited.

07 October 2013

The new season of Walking Dead is almost here! Until season 4 starts this Sunday night, we've got these webisodes to tide us over. We've got "The Oath." Who needs tomorrow? WE'VE GOT "THE OAAATTTHHHH" WHY DON'T YOU STAAAAYYYYY

**As always, the embed code is screwy. Click on the "Webisode #" for the videos if these are still 3 of the same one**

16 September 2013

Gang, as you all know, it's fall again - and that means I've awakened from a real "wipeout" summer hibernation! Wipeout is a show that airs on ABC during the summer.

Although certain wonderful tv shows have come and gone during my break (looking at you, Princesses of Long Island), it's not the end. No, my friends, we're nowhere near. There's so much great tv coming our way this fall, and it's my job to LIST IT!

24 June 2013

Here we are, at the end of Mad Men's 1968, staring at the back of a woman's head sitting in Don's corner office. Granted, Peggy isn't holding the cigarette, but I'm pretty sure the silhouette is supposed to mean something. At the very least, it means Lou Avery isn't getting everything Don leaves behind.

In a season finale that focuses on running away, telling the God's honest truth, and finally parenting for once, it's hard to nail down just one theme to follow. So instead, I'll just run amok like usual and hope that Roger's daughter doesn't uninvite me to Thanksgiving for it. Because she is one huge bitch.

17 June 2013

Last night's Mad Men focused on three sets of secret loves, and somehow, for once, none of them included Don Draper. These affairs run the gamut of aware involvement, from Bob's declarative willingness to Teggy's infuriating reluctance to call anything anything. And something tells me Sally planned her entire evening without even informing herself of her plans. Free love this is not.

12 June 2013

I try not to read other people's recaps before writing my own, but I read Matt Zoller Seitz's on Monday because I couldn't help it, and it's very worth the read. And while you're there, check out the URL because it's hilarious. So here's my half-talk-back/half-becklectic-original attempt at figuring out what the heck is wrong with these people.

11 June 2013

Here we are, at the end of another season of Game of Thrones. The season only feels halfway done, probably because we were all well-warned that the third book would be split into two. I personally know of a spoiler that would've been a great shot to end this half of the season with, but I guess 50,000 perfectly arranged glamor shots of Daenerys J'ing herself O in a crowd of slaves has to suffice. Congratulations, mom.

04 June 2013

Beginning thoughts:
1. Why is Mad Men's LA always such a hippie shitshow? Seriously, everyone there is a total freak 100% of the time and I don't understand why.
2. MEREDITH, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS!
3. Good for Pete.

03 June 2013

WOW SOME REALLY BIG STUFF HAPPENED LAST NIGHT MOSTLY ONE THING BUT I'LL ALSO TALK ABOUT OTHER THINGS BUT OH MAN, THAT WAS SOME CRAZY STUFF! AND I DIDN'T EVEN SPOIL IT FOR ANYONE BEFOREHAND YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!

28 May 2013

Why is it that 75% of my Mad Men emotional energy is spent worrying that Roger Sterling is about to die? Even after Lane's suicide, I'm still constantly worried that another shoe is ready to drop. ROGER, STAY ALIVE. PLEASE! And Joan, DO WHAT YOU CAN TO KEEP HIM ALIVE! PLEASE!!! IF THIS MEANS MARRYING HIM AND HAVING HIM CO-RAISE KEVIN, SO BE IT!! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU WANT! JUST DO IT!

20 May 2013

Sometimes danger's heading right for you and you never see it coming. Maybe you're a lamb and it's the butcher's blade. Maybe you're a nasty old mercenary and it's your handsome comrade's sword. Maybe you're a young, male virgin and it's a bunch of slimy, bloodthirsty leeches. Look, it's hard to have eyes in the back of your head. And even if you do know what's coming, sometimes it's hard to make yourself have sex with a 14-year-old, so you act like it's news to you that you'd have to consummate your own marrige. Of all the characters, only the Hound has the talent of knowing what's coming. I guess having your face held in a fire will make you alert to every angle danger may come from.

I should preface this by admitting I kept dozing off during Mad Men last night - not because it was boring, but because of the oddly drowsy mixture of traveling all day and then watching the entirety of SCDPCGC move in fast motion for an hour. I would close my eyes for a second, and then suddenly there'd be a strange woman in the Drapers' apartment. Or Ken would go from bruised hobbling to perfectly controlled tap dancing. Or Betty would be thin and blonde again. I kept waiting for Don to wake up from his nap on the couch. This isn't my dream OR his? Seriously?

***Oh, and by the way, Time Warner Cable erased our recording as soon as it ended. We were watching it a few minutes delayed, and then it just disappeared. THANKS AGAIN, TIME WARNER CABLE!

14 May 2013

Sure, Sunday night's Game of Thrones may have featured a huge and terrifying bear, three spiky dragons, and a cheeky psycho-imp wielding a castration tool, but I'm here to tell you folks that it was actually a tale of slavery and freedom, rather than monster nightmare fuel. Of all the horrifying things waiting to destroy you in Westeros (and beyond), the in/visible chains that keep you locked up are the most threatening. The slaves of Yunkai, Asshai, and even King's Landing are stuck that way indefinitely. At least with a giant bear, you'd die quickly.

To be clear, no man (or woman) has any plan whatsoever in Sunday's episode of Mad Men. With the merger of CGC and SCDP at hand, new desk assignments fly around almost at random. The creative team flounders in vain to come up with a pitch for Fleischmann's margarine. Joan deals with her shooting stomach pain by ignoring it. Ted takes Don up in a plane through the worst thunderstorm of all time. These are people who look plans in the face and say "Nah, no thanks." But despite their best efforts, the lives of our SCDP employees seem to shape up into something useful anyway.

Don's affairs have always seemed to satisfy a chaos drive - he never knows if he'll get caught, how much these women will blab about their new suave boyfriend, or if they'll get disgruntled enough to try to murder him one day for being such a dick. By dating the housewife downstairs, Don's begging for a shitstorm. And so, without realizing it, when he hears Sylvia come close to breaking up with Arnold, Don does his best to slip out of the affair. It might get too easy if she becomes single.

Sylvia calls Don at work on the first day of the big merger and demands his services. He has her go to a hotel and stay there for hours and hours, occasionally coming in to boss her around and say weird 50 Shades things like "Why would you think you're going anywhere? You're here for me. You exist in this room for my pleasure." When he leaves again and takes her book with him, Sylvia's finally like "Ok, that's it. That's enough. He took my book, so I'm done." Good call, Sylvia. There isn't even a tv in there. S&M may be cool or whatever, but sitting around in a dark room waiting for sex crap without even a magazine is NOT.

When Sylvia says goodbye, she tells him something along the lines of "it's time to go home." I can't wait to see what "home" means for Don. Megan has helped him through some psychological issues before, and I hope that can happen again. I want more of the whorehouse childhood and less of the "my young hot wife doesn't get me" claptrap. And PS, mark my words: you know how they swore up and down that Don and Peggy would never end up together? I'm just recording it here first: they will. Real-life Draper Daniels married his Peggy, and Lost lied to our FACES about how it wouldn't end up just being stupid Purgatory. I'm all for the complex, non-romantic nature of Don and Peggy's relationship, but I also have a hunch, and it needed to be said. Do I want it that way? Who knows! Is Damon Lindelof a total liar? Yes, absolutely!

For seeming so conniving, Ted Chaoueuoe is a surprisingly likable guy. He's forthright to a fault, giving up his chair for a secretary and sitting on the fact that he HAS A PILOTS LICENSE LIKE A FREAKING HERO. After holding a "rap session about margarine in general," Ted loses an unofficial drinking match with Don. His hospitalized ex-partner's advice to walk back into the office like he owns the place leads Ted to take Don up in his two-seater in the middle of a giant thunderstorm. It restores the balance of power between the two creatives. I mean, just look at Don's white knuckles:

As good as I feel about Ted's trustworthiness nowadays, it's hard to apply that feeling to Bob Benson. Granted, he takes Joan to the hospital when she desperately needs to go, and sure, his only real crime so far seems to be excessive brown-nosing. There's still something undeniably fishy about him. Maybe it's his ease in lying to a triage nurse, or maybe it's the way he tried to pay for Pete's hooker last week. This rug we're all standing on seems like it's about to be pulled. In the end, Bob's work pays off: Joan saves his position from a personnel-slashing Harry Hamlin. The plan has worked beautifully, and Bob Benson smells like a rose.

There's another merger in the episode, so to speak, and it's between Pete and his discombobulated mother. Pete's brother can't take care of her any longer, and it's time Pete pulls a little weight by taking care of her in his apartment. To his horror, she keeps calling him out of the office for help, and he keeps missing important meetings. It's no shock that when she wakes him up to tell him RFK died, he doesn't believe her. She is a plan-ruiner through and through, and she can't even keep Trudy vs. Judy straight. For God's sake, old age is inconvenient. I'm genuinely surprised Pete hasn't already tried to mercy-kill her with a pillow.

Plans are great, but they rarely go the way they're supposed to. Burt Peterson planned to return to SCDP with some respect, but Roger made sure to kill that dream immediately. Stan probably planned to stay mad at Peggy, but her knowledge of Napoleon trivia made that impossible. Megan's trying to plan a new vacation to Hawaii with Don, but that's not likely to happen either, at least not how she would want it. You know how the Yiddish say "Man plans, God laughs?" I bet Bob Benson's plans give God the SHIVERRRSSSSS!

09 May 2013

06 May 2013

I've been watching a lot of Arrested lately, and it's coloring my perception of every other show. For instance, when Ygritte tells Jon Snow that she'll chop off his dick and wear it around her neck, I thought momentarily of Jaime wearing his own hand around his neck, then I spent thirty full minutes thinking about Buster's hand and how Game of Thrones just did such a good AD callback. (Jon even says "take my hand!" at one point!) Then Cersei reminded me of Lucille a little bit and Loras reminded me of Tobias ("It's more of a brooch, really") and I kept thinking about Arrested for thirty more minutes. Only 20 more days, guys!!!

JON & THE WALL (or, HAND-HOOKS)
Jon's climbing the Wall with Ygritte, RedHead, and Wargy. It's a treacherous adventure, icy wind cutting up their faces 400 feet in the air. At one point, Ygritte's pick splits a large chunk of ice right off the Wall, sending her and Jon plummeting. The warg wastes no time in cutting them off his rope, and Jon just barely survives and saves Ygritte. When they're all on top of the Wall, the two of them survey the vista. I'm like "kill the warg, though, right?" What the hold up is?

THE R'HLLOR REUNION (or, FAMILY LOVE R'HLLOR!)
Melisandre finds the Brotherhood without Banners (even though the Mountain never could) and Gendry, specifically (even though the official story is that Gendry's dead). She greets her fellow Fire God devotees and seems surprised that Beric could be resurrected 6 times. How is she surprised? Melisandre drank poison once. Wasn't that the same sort of thing?

After her goons seize Gendry for this blood ritual, Arya confronts the red priestess. She's still too little to be a real threat, but Melisandre sees many many murders in Arya's future. And they'll meet again, she says. Good. I can't wait for Arya to become an awesome little assassin who kills dumb ladies like this one.

THEON'S FINGER WILL NEVER BE THE SAME (or, I'M A MONSTERRRR!!!)
Theon's pint-sized torturer goes to town on his little finger (Littlefinger!) while answering questions about Theon's situation. Naturally, he's lying about all the answers, so now Theon knows less than ever before. He also has less finger-skin than ever before. Check out how many times the "flayed man" shape shows up in the episode:

What's going on there? We might as well bundle Jaime and Brienne into this section, too, because they have something else in common with Theon's torture scene: they drink wine that Lord Bolton won't drink while Theon's torturer pours out water Theon wants to drink. What's with all the non-drinking and the flayed man shapes? No rest for the weary? No water for the suffering, nor wine for the untrustworthy?

EDMURE'S GETTING MARRIED (or, HER?)
To fix Robb's mistake and regain access to Walder Frey's bridge, Edmure Tully must marry a Frey girl. He's understandably upset, and he wants to at least pick out the prettiest one. Robb hypocrites all over him and acts like that's totally unreasonable. Remember when Robb wanted to pick out the prettiest one? And then when he ditched the whole thing to marry some pretty third party? Nobody else seems to remember that.

SANSA'S GETTING MARRIED TOO! (or, I'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE)
Sansa tearfully watches a ship sail out of the bay, and I can't tell if it's Littlefinger's or Loras's, but either way, she knows her fate is with Tyrion now. Tywin has convinced Lady Olenna to marry Cersei to Loras by threatening him with Kingsguard status, thereby keeping him from procreating (like he would've anyway) and ending the Tyrell line. Poor Sansa has been thrown from one chess player to another so many times, she has no way to orient herself anymore. But at least she's faring better than Ros, whom Littlefinger has finally given to his interested "friend." And we all thought Margaery had curbed Joffrey's tendencies...