In Search for Freedom

Tag Archives: Self

I miss being here so much. I have been writing a lot lately, but it all goes to the magazine, its things that unfortunately I can’t post here. Lately everything has been falling apart; nothing seems to be in place. Every time things start to be back in place, something just happens. My life is witnessing a very high rate of turn over. People/Things just keep going in and out of my life. I don’t think bitching about things will get anything better, so I’d rather spend that time working on alternatives.

Today, I realized that change happens gradually. One day you wake up frustrated and you think things got to change. You do your best, and then you realize your best was not enough to make that major change that you expected in your life.

The only way you can realize change is by looking backwards and I quote Steve Jobs here, “connecting the dots”. Today I look at my life and say, wow…things have really changed. 2-3 years ago I was just a completely different guy, someone who has very little resemblance with the man I am today. I am glad I am the man I am today, I am glad I have worked on changing and I slowly did.

Now my life is collapsing again because I have stopped changing. I see this as a wake-up call. There is no going back, there is no staying still, our life is collapsing behind us and the only way to escape is by running forward.

But how do we know that we have changed? It’s the social mirror, it’s how the people respond to us, the feedback we get. So if you really change, but the people still treat you the same, wouldn’t that make you feel like the same old you?

Now many people (including myself) struggled with that. You try change, but everything around you is still the same. The thought of giving up slowly grows in your mind.

On a side note, the social mirror is the most realistic distortion of reality. It includes the people who we trust the most. It has our close friends and even our family. Those are the people who we get our feedback from; those are the people who reflect our change. But how come they don’t give us the right feedback?

Many of us tend to think that everyone sees the world the same way we do. We expect that they see we have changed the same way we see that we have changed. This gap between what we expect and what they see is what I call “the distorted reality”.

What we fail to realize is that this gap keeps getting smaller by time, and this is why we can only see change when we look back. This is why many people just quit changing. Because they just cant see any progress going right now.

People who surround us gradually adapt to our change, just like we-subconsciously- slowly adapt to theirs’. So how can you replace that broken social mirror to see your own change?

First, you have to reach peace with yourself. You must be dedicated enough that you really want to change your life.

Second, try seeing change as a form of improvement. Many people start worrying as soon as they hear the word “change”. They just fear losing “their self” a long the way.

Third, to change, you don’t need to change who you truly are. You don’t need to change your values; you just need to find them and align them with your habits.

Fourth, differentiate between your values and your habits. Your values are the core beliefs that you have, while the habits are the implications of those values.

Usually we have a large gap between our values and our habits, and the whole point of change, is realigning the habits with the values.

For instance, if “not judging other people” is one of my core values. But when a close friend of mine is sharing a personal story, I interrupt them with my advice and how I see things, instead of really trying to understand them. Then my habits would not be aligned with my values.

Fifth, make a written list of your values and core beliefs. Don’t worry, as you get to change, you will get to know yourself better, so you can add/remove a few items from that list.

Sixth, that list will be your new mirror. You can always juxtapose this list against your daily habits. Every day, wake up and look at your list of values, how close are you to that list? Do you treat the people in a way that aligns with your values? Do you treat yourself in a way that aligns with your values?

Seventh, make a promise not to your family, not your friends but to yourself; that you will do your best to improve, even if the whole world will try to prove you otherwise.

Finally, be patient, be truthful with yourself and know that we are all imperfect humans. We make mistakes, we learn and we grow; it is part of our lives and human nature.

How much can you say about me if you don’t know me? I mean, what is it that defines me as a person? We always want to know who we are. Some of us fail, others succeed, and the rest are left in denial.

I tried to search for things that define me as a person. Is it the color of my wallpaper? Is it the brand of my boxers? Is it the type of my car? Is it how much money I make? Is it the type of friends that I have? Is it the color of my skin? Is it the place that I was born at? Is it my past choices? I couldn’t find an answer, because all the factors I have considered were coming from the outside. I needed something more profound, something I can sense; something that takes part of me. I tried to search within myself, and it was harder than I thought. I tried to search for what makes me happy, and I thought about travelling; travelling makes me happy. But how can travelling define me as a person? Travel is for those who are searching for themselves outside. So I came back to square one.

I wanted to judge myself, but I couldn’t. I mean, who am I to judge myself? I don’t even expect others to judge me. I tried to find something that is powerful beyond human nature. Is it my belief that defines me as a self? Then I remembered how different people have different beliefs, so I couldn’t find that one definite truth that would guide me.

I thought it might be the society. When we are born, the society slowly shapes us, that we don’t even notice it. Some of us choose to conform, while others choose to write their own story. But how can the society define who I am? I mean, listening to that entire BS is a choice, isn’t it? I know for sure that consensus is an illusion; consequently, I know that society does not define me.

I over thought it, I have searched inside out, but I always came back to the bottom. There is a missing piece for the puzzle, and I don’t know if it exists. I thought I might be a combination of all the questions that I ask, but questions remain questions, and i wasn’t looking for questions.

I do not know who I am, but there is one thing that I know for sure, I am that young kid who wants to explore, I am the missing piece of the puzzle.

So here I am, wishing I had more time for all the things I love. Unfortunately there is no price on time, it’s one of those thing money can’t buy. Recently I have been doing things completely out of my way; I mean, is this even real? Everything seems stable, a bit too stable… I am craving adventure, a taste of something new; yet, I don’t make any effort to search for this so called “new taste”. I have always thought “oh there is so much to think about, when it comes to over thinking”, but nowadays, there is literally nothing to over think about, it just feels like I am going around in circles, and those circles keep getting smaller and smaller. But it’s all good, and by good I mean neutral, neutral in the optimistic sense. I miss being here so often, having all the time to do all the silly things that I love.