A “Deplorable” Goes Public

(Note: This is a substantially revised and highly personalized version of an email I recently received from a like-minded American Deplorable. I hope you will find it thought-provoking).

I used to think I was just a regular guy, but . . .

I was born a white male, which means, whether I like it or not, I am guilty of being a racist and sexist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s socialist standards, makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual, which according to some people makes me a homophobe.

I am a Christian, which now makes me an impenitent and prejudiced infidel.

I support the 2nd Amendment, which makes me a member of the vast right-wing gun lobby.

I can no longer trust the biased reporting of a dishonest mainstream media, which makes me a backward-looking intransigent.

I am proud of my heritage, love my country, and honor its flag, which makes me a jingoistic xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family, and I respect our nation’s police and legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in rewarding hard work with compensation based on merit as well as an individual’s valuable contributions, which makes me an evil and greedy capitalist.

I served proudly in the U. S. Military, and I believe fervently in the defense and protection of our homeland and its legal citizens, which makes me a bellicose traditionalist.

Because of those convictions and values I, and other like-minded Americans, are what a dishonest, twisted, and ruthlessly ambitious woman recently called a basket of deplorables.

Please help me come to terms with the new me, because I’m just not sure who I am anymore.

It’s hard to understand what’s happened to me—and so quickly! It is, in fact, strange that all of these momentous changes have occurred during the past eight years. I wonder why? What could have driven those changes? Hmm. I wonder…

And now, as if all these vicissitudes weren’t enough to deal with, Americans of both genders must be apprehensive about using public restrooms because of who or what they might encounter when they are in there.

I would like to thank all my friends for their patience and understanding as I went through these astonishing modifications in my attitudes and my principles.

Who knows? Perhaps if I had wrapped garlic around my neck or avoided wolfbane when in bloom this deplorable metamorphosis could have been avoided.

But that’s okay. Because for now I am quite comfortable coexisting in that basket along with millions of fellow American deplorables.