Fresh off his near victory in the recent CBRM municipal election and plum out of long-term pension options, Dr. StrangeJob is now considering a shot at provincial politics. Not only is Nova Scotia in need of a new premier, but Cape Breton also requires a stronger voice at the provincial trough.

I know what you’re thinking: How can someone run for premier? Sure, traditionally the leader of the party holding the majority of seats in the House of Assembly is appointed premier, but that rule is open to interpretation. When elected, I will hold the largest house party that Cape Breton has ever seen, so, in essence, I will be the leader of the majority of bums in the seats assembled in my house.

So why Premier of Cape Breton and not Premier of Nova Scotia? Because it will be 2017!

This brings me to my election platform, which I admit has been influenced by the policies of Premier Stephen McNeil and President-elect Donald Trump. First and foremost is my commitment to the education file. Following the lead of Premier McNeil and Education Minister Casey, I pledge to build a new school in every town, city, or district in which I receive a clear majority vote. Incidentally, if you are in the business of building or renting schools and would like to contribute to my campaign, then feel free to contact me here

I also pledge to build a wall across the Canso Causeway to keep out undesirable types such as mainland bureaucrats, politicians who voted for the Public Services Sustainability (2015) Act or any politician planning to vote in support of the Act Respecting a Teachers’ Professional Agreement. The wall will be more of a turnstile allowing Capers to come and go at will, but requiring CFAs to verify allegiance to the Island before granting access. The wall will be built in honor of the Island’s early revolutionaries, General John Cabot Trail and the CBLA, and will serve as a constant reminder that Capers have a history of standing the gaff and not putting up with political guff. It is time to make a stand, so if you are not with the cause, then you’re not crossing the causeway.

If elected, my main focus will be on environmental issues. Building on Premier McNeil’s recent agreement with the Feds to allow coal-fired electrical plants to remain open beyond the 2030 federal deadline, along with our fundamental need to collect pogey stamps, I propose that we rebuild the Cape Breton economy around the production, sale and consumption of coal. What better way to support our children than to ensure future spending on medical care, environmental remediation projects, death benefits and cancer treatment centers? Imagine all the high-paying jobs this will bring to the future local economy — all built on the backs and black lungs of our workers. Heck, the Port of Sydney may even require an additional berth just for containers carrying all the extra medical supplies.

I will release additional policy statements as we move closer to the election, but I pledge that my Day 1 to-do list will include the introduction of legislation to encourage all business and homeowners in Cape Breton to use coal to heat their homes and offices. Yes folks, if elected I will bring sooty days back to our island and make Cape Breton GRATE again.

Until next time—that’s my two cents’ worth.

Dr. StrangeJob is a local satirical blogger, retired educator, social activist, and developer of the world’s first 12+1 step self-help group, Incompetents Anonymous.