I did something really stupid. I looked at wife#4's FB. And saw that my xWH has fully moved on, is happy, and that I was never anything.

I wound up on the floor in tears, sobbing for hours and hours as if it was dday all over again, praying to die, hoping to die, wishing I wasn't such a chickenshit and could kill myself.

I'm never going to get over this. I am mentally ruined by this. I do not have one positive thing to think or say today. I obviously am worth nothing and mean nothing.

I wish I could not exist. And I just can't see this any other way.

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3346 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico

waiting2see♀ 13767Member # 13767

Posted: 9:44 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

Hey now. Enough of that. Note: WIFE #4! How long until he makes her feel like nothing with wife #5.?

He is broken and toxic. He does not define you!

I know you know that.

You are stumbling, you will not fall.

He is no fucking prize! You are.

You matter. Please reach out to someone irl if you really feel you are a danger to yourself.

But you are smart, capable, and worthy of love and respect. But you must love and respect yourself first.

Hugs

me: BS
him: XWS

Much of your pain is self-chosen. ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923

"It's not livin' that you're doin' if it feels like dyin." Ray Lamontagne

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Feb 2007

persevere♀ 31468Member # 31468

Posted: 10:26 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

((cayc)) waiting2see is right - he is no prize and you know you are better off without his toxic ass...

And block her FB, for your own sanity. It took me 3 years before I finally blocked XWH and OW's FB's - it was freeing.

Hope you're feeling better cayc - you are VERY worthy of wonderful things in your life - but you would never have gotten there with him. FB and all that people post is unicorns - it's not real - and you lived with him - I guarantee she lives in her own hell - it's not like he's changed or anything. He is still who he was.

((Hugs))

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44

DDay:2011
Status: D 2011

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4875 | Registered: Mar 2011

cmego♀ 30346Member # 30346

Posted: 10:54 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

I don't know whether to hit you with the biggest 2x4 I can find…or hug you to death. I kinda want to do both.

Please, for your own sanity, block them both. Just block them.

You cannot give so much of your emotion, time, sanity, goodness to someone who does not deserve it.

You are seeing yourself through a very cracked lens, and you need to try and change that thinking. Your own thinking is hurting you right now.

We all see you as a brave, smart and beautiful human being. Why are you allowing what one giant asshole did you…determine who you are?

I'm sorry, cayc. I am not going to tell you it will get better. I mean, I guess it does in some ways - the pain is not there constantly - but I understand. I don't feel like I am ever going to get over it, either.

I am 4 years out, and the pain still brings me to my knees sometimes, with those deep, heavy sobs.

The hard part for me is that I do think my ex changed, a lot in part to becoming a father. A father to an OC that was conceived while we were together. Heartbreaking doesn't even come close to describing it.

I can't even say that I got the best of him. OW and OC did. That hurts like hell.

I am really sorry you are hurting today. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Me: BGF - 34

I gave you more than I ever got back
You left me here to forget about that
All the things you thought you had have gone
Let that be a lesson to you
-Richie Kotzen, "Special"

Posts: 2446 | Registered: Feb 2010

Williesmom♀ 22870Member # 22870

Posted: 11:11 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

((Cayc))

Huge hugs, girl. You know that Facebook is it's own piece of unicorn fart land. You're never going to see someone post that they had bad sex last night, or post a pic of themselves with awful bed hair.

He didn't change his stripes. He's still a dick. You know this. How could they be happy? They're a couple of whores. You're so much more than that. They'll always be whores.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 8076 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA

FaithFool♀ 20150Member # 20150

Posted: 11:25 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

Ouch, full moon Valentines Day, all that crap. (((cayc)))

Now then:

I'm never going to get over this.

Why choose to internalize this ^^^ when you have the option to change your thinking?

Get up off the floor.
Block.
Go out and get some exercise.
Look into learning to meditate to control negative thought loops. They are like dry rot. You have to cut out the bad parts so they don't spread to the rest of the house.
You may even need to look into EMDR since your negative loop is so entrenched.

Choose to get through this to the other side, and stop looking at their shit.

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 18160 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada

ProbableIceCream♂ 37468Member # 37468

Posted: 11:40 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

cayc, it sounds like you might be suffering from depression (and remember it doesn't have to be black or white--doesn't mean you're permanently broken, just going through pain and there are things you can do to help it). Depression can take these sad things and make them overwhelming, and change you into a completely different person.

Please be easy on yourself and make sure you're getting help for it and taking care of yourself. Sleep, exercise, nutrition, meditation are the big four. Meditation doesn't have to be anything fancy. It can just be regular time to unwind where you're not actively engaged in anything.

I hope you feel better soon.

Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 7 (deceased).

Posts: 871 | Registered: Nov 2012

ProbableIceCream♂ 37468Member # 37468

Posted: 11:41 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

Oh, and I just realized.. the way you described it sounds a little triggery (you looked at facebook and bam, huge response). Have you considered something like CBT or EMDR -- both good at addressing the causes of triggery things?

Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 7 (deceased).

Posts: 871 | Registered: Nov 2012

newnormal♀ 21925Member # 21925

Posted: 11:47 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

Hang in there girl! I'm about a year in front of you and I promise you will turn the corner soon.

FTG. He's not worth a moment of your time.

BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Dec 2008

FirstLoveGone♀ 25957Member # 25957

Posted: 11:59 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

cayc - I get this. I totally get this. My XH married the OW and they now have a child together. He has totally moved on from me. To him, I was a like a gnat that he had to clear from his face. He just swiped me away. He never looked back. The pain in knowing that I never mattered to him will never go away.

However, just because I wasn't valuable to him doesn't mean I am not valuable to others. And it doesn't mean that I don't hold value in myself. XH is not the lens that I see myself through. He abandoned me and pretty much abandoned our DD. He blew up our family with lies, deceit, and betrayal of epic proportions. Why in the hell would I give merit to someone like that?

Yes, the pain is there and it will always be there. But please don't let it consume you. You are worth it.

Posts: 1298 | Registered: Oct 2009

cayc♀ 21964Member # 21964

Posted: 1:54 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

I appreciate all the 2x4 and hugs.

I am just overwhelmed with grief to realize that for 2 years I've been busting my ass to overcome what happened only to realize all I've been doing is running in place and mentally I'm no better off today than I ever was. I am as lost as if all this shit storm really did just happen.

So lost that I'd rather the fantasy of giving up then having to figure out a way to feel better. I can't even imagine what better looks like right now.

All exacerbated by the crushing loneliness I live with day in and day out.

I know I'm being tiresome. It just really helps to get all of this out here because this is practically the only outlet I've got to be this brutally honest about how badly I am struggling.

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3346 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico

Must Survive♀ 34533Member # 34533

Posted: 2:20 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

Cayc

((((hugs))))

Everything you have said (including checking the FB of OW) is what I think and feel. I get what you are saying. I have no one to tell how I feel to. I am EMBARRASSED that I still feel the way I do. Thinking that I am moving forward, and then wham, nope still feel like D-day.

Since yesterday, I have started rereading the books "Getting Past Your Breakup" and "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" Hopefully I can pick up some nuggets to help me move on.

Know that you are not alone, PM me anytime.

Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorced-Let my new beginning start

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive

ProbableIceCream♂ 37468Member # 37468

Posted: 8:20 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

cayc -- I realize sometimes you just need to vent, but please do what you need to, to take care of yourself!

Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 7 (deceased).

Posts: 871 | Registered: Nov 2012

nowiknow23♀ 33226Member # 33226

Posted: 8:38 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

Honey - you are NOT being tiresome. You are venting out the devils that are polluting your heart and mind with their twisted and evil jabs. Damn those ugly little fuckers and their unwelcome negative loops.

(((((cayc)))))

You can call me NIK

“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 29088 | Registered: Aug 2011

SBB♀ 35229Member # 35229

Posted: 9:35 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

Please challenge this thinking.

You may have seen me post these before but I urge you to read and reread them again.

Nothing has changed for that parasite but the host. That is all. You are looking through the windows but you've been under that roof, you KNOW what it is like.

It's not just time that heals it is what you do with that time. If you have depression no amount of self talk or willpower will make it go away anymore than it would with diabetes.

((cayc)) examine what is going on in your life tha made you look. Why did you rip that scab off by looking? None of us do anything without getting some sort of payoff - even stuff that hurts us.

Have a good, long, hard look at this person that you are measuring your self-worthy against. He isn't worthy of your spit, let alone your self-worth - your life? No fucking way. No fucking way in hell.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5882 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia

Brandon808♂ 35619Member # 35619

Posted: 9:51 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

I am just overwhelmed with grief to realize that for 2 years I've been busting my ass to overcome what happened only to realize all I've been doing is running in place and mentally I'm no better off today than I ever was.

You had a bad reaction. I would not automatically interpret that as you not being any better off. You have to cut yourself some slack on this, ok?

Oh, and a d-bag like your xWH is hardly a barometer for any human being's value as a person. In fact I would consider it a badge of honor if someone like him disliked me or even hated me. Like me xww your xWH is not the person we though they were. Their actions have defined them as people we should never want in our lives or to waste any time on them at all.

xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4269 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast

thyme2go♂ 12908Member # 12908

Posted: 11:52 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014

I looked at wife#4's FB. And saw that my xWH has fully moved on, is happy, and that I was never anything.

Everybody is happy on FB. In reality? Not so much.

-t2g

BH - no longer 49
3 DD's - (29, 25 and 18)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9203 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington

Sad in AZ♀ 24239Member # 24239

Posted: 12:34 AM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014

realize that for 2 years I've been busting my ass to overcome what happened only to realize all I've been doing is running in place and mentally I'm no better off today than I ever was.

Respectfully...bullshit. You don't spend every day on the floor sobbing for hours and hours. It happened this one time. You've done amazing things with your life; you've been in at least one other relationship since your D; you speak your truth here and help others. It could be hormones, a virus, the full moon, whatever.

I'm with Sad. You have come far, it's just hard to see it when you're too close up sometimes. Look at the posters here who remind you of your own story or look back at your own old posts to see how far you've come.

(((Cayc)))

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ