Blinded By Bogeys

What a great start to 2011…

Not wishing to wallow in self-pity and bore everyone, but I have been suffering from what I believe is termed “man-flu” since before Christmas. Though in my case, as a fan, it should be “mong-flu.” This has, however, resulted in something quite amusing though disgusting, which I shall now relate.

Antibiotics saw me through Christmas, and I felt fighting fit right up until the week after I finished the course. Hurrah! But the Wednesday after Christmas, it came back. Sore throat, blocked nose, earache, headache, painful lumps on the roof of the mouth, and coughing – oh the coughing. Never known anything like it – great big heaving paroxysms, my head splitting open with each barking convulsion, my eyes almost popping out of my head. Poor me!

Worst of all was – still is, unfortunately – waking up in the morning with my eyes completely gummed shut with “sleepy dust.” I can’t even prise my eyelids open! I have to stumble to the sink and soak them in a flannel for a few minutes before I can open my eyes. Not fun when you are dying for a piss. And my eyes themselves look like pissholes in the snow, framed by angry red lids and flecks of the yellow sleep-gunk. Charming!

So yesterday, off to the doctor. He told me that my head was “completely jammed up with catarrh and mucus”, and prescribed more antibiotics – which I hope work. When I told him about my eyes, he said, “Oh, that’s because when you’re asleep the mucus from your nasal passage finds its way out of your eyes.”

So, every morning, I’m being blinded by bogeys.

BLINDED. BY. BOGEYS!

If the Cybermen invade, I’ll be barging my way to the front of the queue for conversion – and I can now see the attraction in being uploaded. Who needs the human body?!

Blimey, I just read this back and it reads like a Jeffrey Barnard column. Only without the booze – which I’m not even dreaming of touching until this bastard is beaten!