Twilight

Writing about my life and things in it and what I think

Saturday, October 11, 2003

Piano

OK i got it... it's sitting here listening to my old piano playing songs and music that's what I need gotta have. I need a piano... my piano so I can play this song just like I used to. I can't imagine how long it will take me to get back to playing the way I did 10 years ago. A year at least I'm sure, I think the last time I played was for a christian womans lunchin a while ago already. I used to play every 3 month for 45 minutes and one song with a vocalist... that's been a long time I just couldn't with working as much again. I loved this song it's by Chopin Fantasie-Impromptu, Opus 66 and one that I'd play when something was upsetting and after I'd be like Whewww it's nice now: ) And be done with that negative thoughts. I'm just grasping at straws here arn't i? LOL pretty pathetic huh. Anyways I really miss playing. It's depressing a little after years and years of playing and practicing and lessons and now I don't play at all... I don't know when I'd get to play anyways with little kids and stuff I'd have to have the piano out in the garage huh. lol. Or smash it in our bedroom lol hahaha hubs would laugh at that. OK get to work again hadda take a break so now i'm going out to dig in hubs shed for my box of piano books LOL.

New Day

rainy this morning so football canceled... kids are so fun this morning and I got to sleep in a little even. Havn't seen hubs yet today as he's butchering and after lunch hunting I sopose I won't see him again which is sad cuz I need to talk to him. Hopefully I'll be able to handle work 2nite. Sometimes I feel I have got to that point where I can't do it anymore and although I know I have to I get sick thinking about it and feel I'm to a point where I won't be able to.. No I'll be fine I'm sure I just wish I could feel better. I know if I don't I'll break down and that's just something I don't do.

It's soooo pretty out with the leaves changed and after the wet rain this morning the air feel better. I absolutly love this time of year!!! I'd love to take a walk outside right now it's only 55Degrees and I can hear 1000 geese flying overhead right now boy they are loud somedays. They fly to the lil lake by here and they just keep coming... time of the year i sopose to fly south. Someone told me yesterday that some geese can live up to 90 years Can you imagine I didn't know that. I'd like to read up more on that. Interesting. OK i'm outta my slump now. I wanted to make nana bread this afternoon but I only have 2 bad banana's I need three hubs said opps I said to save me 3 ohhh darnit.. I had special baking plan for someone that cheers me up good.

Anyways i don't know how i'll take a nap with these noisy birds LOL... honk honk. OK I better get I have big plan for things to do here this afternoon by myself when the little ones are sleeping!

at my ends

I don't know what's up with me but I usually don't feel I'm so crabby or pissy toward anyone but was 2nite... maybe it's just built up frustration over time or the combined negative comments that I hear so frequent but whatever I was at that point where I was sooo mad.. so mad I was shakey like one other time months ago with her and it is not in my nature to blow like that.. or so I think... I usually try to put negative things in a positive lights with co-workers, people or switch comments around to happy thoughts... yet 2nite I stepped down to a lower level and just blurted out whatever I thought for once without thinking of them/their feelings like they seem to do so often to me/others.. I don't know it wasn't me and I don't like to be that person.

I was disappointed and more it's disrespectful and yeah I know I know when I can sit and think logically I can.. but sometimes it's nice to just to be upset and speak my mind or think it at least but would be nice to know someone understands or believes in you and makes you feel important. ok so here's what I need to think that it's a habit... people suck and venting surrounds me cuz I'm the oddball.

I don't want to be that 'mother' shit.. I don't want them to run to me with their problems, I don't like to hear them bitch about so and so.. and this or that table/thing. I do LOVE to see them smile and laugh and say Ohhh they left me $20 or happy about something and I'm 1st to comment Good Job and reinforce a more positive side... I bud in when I hear them knocking other waitresses/people cuz I just get so sick of the bashing/negative things and it suckers you in even sometimes and you catch yourself saying shit and I don't want to be a person like that.. .. yes it's probably habit and that makes sense yes but doesn't mean I have to like it at least I didn't 2nite.

Obviously I need to find some peace and solve these issues with myself with these problems or i won't be able to do this much longer. I don't recall feeling this way anywhere else. And I've rewrote this paragraph 100 times now added/deleting LOL.. I need to refind myself and focus on being ME!!!

Did I over-react?.. yeah probably.. but is that me?.. no. not usually.. usually I blow it off or turn it around. so is that wrong.. I don't want to waste more time on something that's done with and doesn't affect my life here right now. but it sits here heavy on my heart and eats on me... I'll sleep and awake feeling better I'm sure. What's wrong that I am thinking the way I am. Could it be my job??? I do get bored at times I just stand there no one at the bar waiting for someone to come by so I can make a drink... maybe I need to wait a table here and there in the bar.. since I feel like I'm doing more than 1/2 the work anyways some nights. Specially slow nights. But I don't like to take tables away from waitresses either or they bitch... hell somenights I'd love to wait tables and make some tips like they do why not.. but it's not my 1st priority. And I don't check on tables for them.. I check on the tables for the customers and my job. I don't work for tips maybe that's the difference and why I have a hard time sometimes with it/them. Could be.

I didn't want to dump at all on my boss.. cuz I know my 1st thoughts/ reactions are harsh with no thought or deep reasons... just my frustration spitting out... as ugly as it is I hate that side of me. I love my job.. 'my job' itself and that's what I need to focus on for the rest of the weekend and no one else's problems I guess... waitresses of course is who I mean. I feel like I feel when i 1st started and yeah maybe it's my own fault getting suckered into the middle.. but it is NOT fun working alone... and being only bartender I feel very alone sometimes alone with no one else to talk to myself about things... cept my boss who takes my comments too personal i'm afriad at times and I don't want that either for him or to stress him over little things like me and I find myself venting wishing for just a friend but of course he's going to think business like and not just friendly cuz hey it's his biz.. which I shouldn't burden with just simple frustrations n thoughts as I did.. .. ..

I need my friends back... not that they are gone I just have gone away and choose to not include them in my life recently with my thoughts/feelings and things I do. Why.. cuz they suck sometimes too... Hubs/??? I can talk to him yet he doesn't understand.. what I really want.. is someone to just listen, I say I'm upset and why, hug ya and say ohhhh amy... it's OK and nothing more... cuz I'd cry for days in their arms cuz I just feel so shitty latley... so I'll attempt to wake up hubs and try to get just that outta him... if not i'll just hug my pillow and talk to that. I just feel very confused. I want to hideaway just a whole night with no words but be together because ya know we each want/need the same thing.. LOL. I'm getting stupid now and i'm sure i've been stupy all night now. Oh well can't change it i guess.. just smile more tomorrow and say I'm not interested in that topic.. go away.. lol j/k.

I'm off to bed I guess feeling better yes.. cuz I've vented way too much but I feel better so whatever. I feel alone that's it. I'm lonley.. ya always see those married but lonely people chat rooms.. what's that about??? I'd love to find what I have in J with more friends... I have friends just different hours... be nice to call up a friend again now... just to say HEY whatcha doing and just be crazy and happy :) or after work go over and say Hi and vent.. yeah I'm happy.. just a lonley happy person latley. No one else seems happy.. lets just all be happy and love each other.. and if you wanna get happy.. let me know the time and place and I'll spend as long as you give me trying to make it happen:) ok i'm silly now...

Which reminds me of the new song I like this week. Madonna's Nothing Fails song.. I'd mp3 it but not right now if you want it email me . But I listened to it a couple weeks ago and I thougth it was ok but this week I'm all into it must mean something for some reason/?? what's that anyone?? Here's thereLyrics for ya K bye

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Doing

LMAO looking at my post from exactly a year ago it's funny and when I 1st found that ding song. You can read this post too Funny... wow long time ago already.. wonder how much has changed since then .. well how much I have.. a lot I think.

OK I'm talking the children to babysitters in a few minutes then I have most the day to myself to do things and I'm at a loss of anything real to do. Not that I won't find anything sure enough the thoughts are already popping in. I may rent a movie for 2nite when I get off work I have all these free rentals to use yet and havn't. Hubs I Know wants to watch 2fast2furious I could rent him that one as a surprise... ok that's what I'll do 2day at least for a little bit.. I'll pick up house and bedroom and his stuff and make it extra comfy looking with a little love note and some balloons or flowers or a cake or brownies or something I'll bake something for sure.

Last night he's all since your on your diet I miss brownies I want cookies kinda whinning.. so he'd love that I'm sure.. what else can I do for him?? Oh well I better get going. I am making brocolli soup too for me for lunch it sounded so nummy but you have to blend it???? ?? weird oh well I'm going to try it out:)

Full Moons

I was in a great mood earlier but now i'm not so ... but it's beautiful outside... been outside the last 30 minutes just sitting it's still 72 degrees out.. warm/windy and a full moon with lots of clouds blowing by in the wind.. so pretty.. peaceful... relaxing.. wish i wasn't alone.. I feel bad about wayI was to hubs when he was staying up late for me I think and I'm brushing him off and being mean/ignoring him so I could go shopping.. he even was teasin bout taking his towel off and I was preoccupied wishing he'd just go to bed so I could go... then to find out that all my thoughts were somewhere else and then later to find out who the hell cares anyways.. oh well just one of those things.. circles round to my own fault for thinking 2much of another then felt like they didn't care at all and made me feel even worse when hubs was doing the same thing.. like a night you just can't win better to just hang it all up and go to bed then huh.. obviously I'm taking too much to heart and it's hurting then and I don't like to feel that way so I won't.. I can talk myself into pretty much anything. but probably better I don't say anymore.

If ya get the chance step outside and check out the moon.. sooo pretty.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

getting antsy.. lots to do and no one home yet. J still at church sopose to be out i thought by 830.. i need to hit the grocery store yet 2nite and go for my walk for 3.5 miles.. grrr lots to do.. hubs butchering... and I'd love to go to h2otown 2nite yet too with a friend but at this rate i'm not going to get to go.. and called hubs and said he doesn't know when he'll be home and if it's late i'll just have to go tomorrow nite.. bummer like i wanna stay home now after being here all day LOL... i was in the mood for a movie.. but now i'm in the PS2 major mood.. looking up games and release dates of the new Final Fantasy OMG can't wait.. so I get pissy and figure if I can't go I'm going to buy some shit.. so I bought a Multitap for my PS2.. so we can all play gauntlet hehehe.. and racing games.. oK so at Best Buy check out this multi-tap for $35.99.. then check out this ebay price that I got the same multi-tap for $5.99 lmao how can that be... damn awesome huh.. anyways ok i'm getting pissy no ones home and I want to go do something... everyone else been running all day and i've been stuck here cuz hubs had van all day and i'm antsy cuz so darn nice out still 79Degrees out.. K going to store then a walk.. over at the park. K bye

Double Dinning

When I log on I always read the news headlines 1st and 1st I see the story thatArnold is Gov. Elect lol, and I watched the little video clip on it. I find this interesting.. maybe I'll give more thoughts on it later.

So last night hubs and I went out with J*H and had supper it was nummy and fun! Such a beatiful day yesterday and last night was georgeous outside didn't want the night to end. Hubs and I agree we HAVE to make a point to go out together at least once a month and one night take the kids out and do something big like that too. So next time there's a kid movie in town we thought hitting the ranch for their buffet and the theater. I'd love to go to a real play/theater. Kids would love that and would be fun too.

I woke up with this same scratchy throat... sucks all weekend/week. So hubs and I turned off on the way home last night for some fun there was such a nice warm wind. We got home he packed his lunch and we hit the bed together even.. I should know by now I can't do that. So I shut TV off round midnight.. and at 1245 I woke up the fire alarms were going off in town.. feel asleep at 130 i woke up again.. at 230.. and 4.. lol I don't sleep worth a shit when I try to go to sleep.

So double dating last night was good for me. I actually can see each other as a couple and helps to get that fanatasy feeling out of my system better :) I could look over and still have that twinge of Ohh yeah but end with ohhh shit LOL.. not a bad thing.. but yeah ya know. LOL Going to have to do that again sometime.. would be fun to catch a movie or bowling or something too or something.. one thing about living out here not much goes on entertainment wise... cept for me I'm pretty entertaining.. lol j/k. K bye.

It was nice to come home and everyone was in bed too. J had done the dishes picked up the living room and kitchen... gave the kids baths and was in bed himself reading. WOW wondered what he wanted .. extra babysitting money I guess. I tipped him well lol :) But nice to come home and not have to worry about anything too.. kinda topped off the night!

OK i have a busy busy day I spent yesterday goofin off shopping with the little kids.. i have some stuff to get done here now... and get out on my walk 2nite and hubs wants to rent too fast too furious two??? I'm up for a movie and cuddlin.. been in the mood for that all week.. think it's this cold that's hanging on here.

Oh yeah and I just made Kool-Aid for the kids and I love koolaid so I wanted some so I used Slenda instead of sugar... is it good you might ask.. ohhh it's not bad but not the same either but hey I get to drink it :) ;) hahaha

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Going Out

Stayed offline most the day.. busy I guess... but didn't realize all I wrote till later 2nite after a chat with someone opps.. oh well. So the way I felt last night was that intense nothing I can do about that I guess now is there? Damn. as long as they don't feel funny about it all thats' cool. So dinner out with friends. I'm looking forward to that a lot. Hubs excited too! He reminded me 1st time in a long time I've invited him out.. Ohhhh sad.. I have to make a point to dote and devote myself to him more.. and do special things.. i have a great idea for after supper... humm :) ;)

Sounds fun it's been a long time since we've been able to get out with another couple... most our other friends which I talked to 2 others today about getting together sometime.. but insist on a saturday night.. which I work.. they say I'm just going to have to take a night off sometime and get together with them again .. Our friends here in town S*G are fun.. we used to hit this supperclub in town that's no more.. taken over but not the same atmosphere at all.. but we'd make our reservations.. eat, have a few drinks.. play the jukebox and sometimes shoot some darts or dice, cards.. . and by the end of the evening silly drunk and stupid.. then we'd hit downtown to a bar. And the last four or five times that's happened her and her hubby have gotten into huge fights and somewho it's always involved me or something I was involved in.. and another reason we havn't done a lot together recently.

I do miss all that though.. them .. hummm maybe that time we do hit it out again we could hit the bar I used to work for b4 my job now.. i've only been there once since i left.. plus S*G partied one time with me and hubs up there and was a lot of fun. OMG I remember one time years ago.. like a long long time ago we brought into the bar the game pass out.. and played that omg sillyness.. that was the night when all 5 of us couples went out so rounds of 10 drinks were like 30-40 a round that was funny.

OMG then i remember that time we all tried to play domino's hahaha and G got so pissed or that time S got so pissy over that sentence with the pizza. Ohh and such nummy pizza she makes. Damn that's sad I miss all that. Or the smoking in the garage.. The BBQ's and get together in our homes. Or that new years the year 2000. omg or that other time just playing games. Yeap.. i do know that a lot of things have changed with us all over the last year i just hate she blames my hours/job on it all. Makes me feel bad more than anything.. was good to see her though.. Yeah and I really miss the get to gethers on weekends taking turns one trying to out-cook/do the other. LOL silly I have to make a point to call her more..

anyways that all could be lots of fun huh.. or scarey. oh well I'm going on about my past .. when I should be looking forward. I want to go to wtrtwn tomorrow think i'm taking the kids to daycare at 10 J has dentist cleaning at 1010 and i'll head over then til 5.. Gotta get a ton of stuff.. I'm so looking forward to getting out again. Ya know we say were givin each other One night a month together.. and every month .. one night.. and we did in April.. our anniversary so of course.. May.. my bday.. so kinda out.. and opps june came and went we didn't.. July we did.. and August again.. but Sept came and went again isn't that sad. You think One night a month.. wouldn't be so hard to get together but it is. So this is great!

Monday, October 06, 2003

What it's like for me

So just got home and omg I hadda get up and go cuz what was on TV there was this chick talking about doing something that I like to do and honestly if I'd have stayed 5 minutes longer I wouldn't have been able to stop what I've been dreaming of doing for so long and that's naughty... naughty .. naughty me. And worse is standing there after those thoughts saying goodnight yet it's the furthest thing from your mind.. and talking of dreams they fit into mine all the time.. and even fade into when i am awake.. or just pleasant daydreams. I like thinking about them/things/times from the past when I'm trying to fall asleep.. makes me feel good... and puts me in a good dreamy state to fall alseep. crazy huh??? And then what's wrong with this but J talks about dreaming of another j and I think I get a bit jealous.. what's up with that??? and sometimes talks about K or others and usually didn't bug me but kinda does... ok that's got me confused.. but nothing major.. maybe I just wonder and should just ask.. "SO you ever dream of me???" lol just cuz I'm so darn curious.

Just now I want to slap myself Wake up silly girl. you know to be a friend is to be just that for them whatever they need and yeah I can pop those thoughts outta my head like that... but that doesn't mean I want to. Big difference. Say we talk about a road trip to the store next town west.. oh yeah only I'm fantasizing about a time where we could make a lil detour off a farm road .. or have an awesome time under the full set of stars with that warm breeze in the field leaving our panties in the wind or just being in the truck... hehehe omg.. or how about that one thought/time omg nope no .. see.

*So if at this very moment They stood before me, I'd have to do all I desire at this exact time.. I wouldn't deny it or hide it right now. Starting with just a touch... and a deep look into them to make sure it's ok of course but I'll assume it's a go.. and then I'd smile and just yell out I want you soooo bad.. no, I need you I have to have you. .. yeah.. and take them by the hand to somewhere comfy beautiful and perfect and shhhh whisper to them.. hush.. no more words... just smells and tastes and lots of touching... playfull kisses. gentle movements and so so soft .. my body aching to be with them totally.. unlike any times b4. To freely give all with no reserves or after thoughts, And to freely express such intense feelings.. ohhh omg. Full total hot passion that burns inside me exploding 2 be one with them.

But ya know.. they'll never be here at that very moment.. looking out into the night sky with my puppy hearing a car drive by daydreaming again the what if's of that being them... and thinking all that... it's always such a nice dream.. but one I want again proably too much huh? One i sometimes wish I just could be myself with and go with.

Ohh it's not always like that I can snap outta that and tell myself to be good and I will be and shake it all off... LOL I should talk to them about it huh not that I am afraid it will hurt our relationship I don't think so.. I wouldn't let it. I truely would hate to lose the friend I feel I have in them. And if I ever had the chance to do more for them I would if asked or if able... I'd go outta myway to make their day if they needed it:) Remembering a few weeks ago when i was so down.. they tried to cheer me up and listened how nice that was.. and how I wanted to just stop at the door.. and hug them.. hold them and tell them how special I really feel they are to me..

So I feel at times I must leave the situations ... turn down the offers of the trip outta town.. go home.. when I really DO NOT want to and want to stay and be with them.. .. and cuz it takes all to hold me back again and for the most fear with me is just a touch... cuz that would rip through me like lightening. I out streched my foot 2nite playing and it pointed up toward them my eyes followed up with the realization even then, it was time to go... for my thoughts are so deep.. and that ache.. yearn. Shake it off once again.. concentrate on the game... I try to tell myself.. mesmorized even deeper I watch them... closing my eyes a moments imagine .. standing behind them rubbin their shoulders to relax.. .. bending down whispers... your awesome.. then slip-slap wake me up again...

Must be my mood I guess... And omg not every moment is like that.. but sure seems like it latley.. It also seems like I've probably been thru this b4 .. almost makes me come to some other realization. Sure I'll delete this post tomorrow huh but feels good to write again or dream. It's been awhile since I've spoke my mind. Especially bout somethings .. personal stuff and feelings. And why I don't know I'm not ashamed of myself or my feelings.. they just are.. !

LOL I'm crazy I'm so sorry. I do know if it comes to all of us going out I want to make a toast!!! To friends !! May lifes laughter engulf us and make us all giddy!!! I just made that up since I'm in such a darn good mood.. another thing a few weeks ago I was so sad and down.. I'm so glad to be outta that! I wish I could call J right now. I wish I could flip back time a couple hours.

Sunday, October 05, 2003

Long day already

Feels like I've been up for days already made entire breakfasts been to church and started lunch. but I'm starting to feel pretty tried out now and I have done at least 4 loads of clothes already .. ya know it just fills like my days are filled to their fullest... but that's ok at night I just tell myself nothing you can do just relax and do your thing.

WOW for the dreams I had last night. I didn't feel I slept at all just kept waking up and I was tired.. it could be this onset of that cold I have or feel too I don't know but crazy dreams. I don't feel like I'm going to get my walk in at all again today.. i hate that about the days I have to work. I tell hubs OK I have to have 40 minutes.. ok 30 to get out and walk or do something exercisic... at least once on fri/sat or sunday.. but he's gotta go hunting and gone already now.. grrr I could run laps round the yard with the little ones it's so beautiful out maybe after dinner here I'll take them over to the park.. not a 'power' walk but it's so beautiful outside :) I don't want to go to work. Just thinking I have the next 3 days off and will be just as beautiful .. which reminds me I need to call my babysitter and see if she can watch the kids a different day this week so I can get outta town and start some shopping ... I'm in the mood to get out do something go somewhere.

Great Moods

Whewwwie glad the night is over it was really busy and I actually snapped outta that bad sicky feeling I had earlier today.. so kicked ass round work and kept busy and it was fun! love that part of my job that keeps ya busy and everywhere you look everyone's smiling enjoying themselves... other workers get tense at different times.. But I find the best part going to check on a table and just love how they smile back and always so nice:) :) :) Even if I can't spit out Chicken Fried Country Steak Chicken ... :) 'wink'

I like waiting on tables sometimes.. like 2nite it wasn't that crazy behind the bar at all and I didn't have one ice cream drink or only used the blender once last night and twice 2nite.. so when you get to go out to the people instead of them always coming up to you.. it's a different feeling.. and when you have those extra seconds to try and make it extra nice really adds up and counts to them obviously since all my customers were all so pleasent and fun :) I loved that 2nite.. not that all the people arn't most are!

OMG i ate beans.. they weren't bad:) Horriable for points on my diet but I overcame my biggest life fear of all and ate probably 1/2 a cup of baked beans.. Now I know I can eat them again cuz I did it:) I was so thrilled... and glad that someone made them I knew I could trust that would make something so nummy.. my boss is an awesome chef.. so I knew if I tried his they'd be the closest to the best I could ever get... so made me less nervous. Funny how something so long in my life I'd been so anxious over .. is now never to be feared again:)

I am in such a great mood :) I didn't get out to exercise at all today so I feel fat though.. So I stayed a bit after work talking to J and how hard it must be to run such a business... I always hope I can be the kind of friend that's always there for him and never fall into a rut where I take for granted all that goes into running it.. wish I could help more.. as he sounded frustrated... as I can imagine what a job that must all be... I ask myself is there more I could/should be doing?? Well If so I'm sure they'd let me know:)

I know I did good by coming home 2nite:) Although I know if I had other invitations I'd have accepted those. Why do I think that way??? Somenights it's so bad... anyways.. can't go there so I have church in the morning.. ohh and I walked into my house 2nite at somethings stinking somewhere .. . so I'm smelling shoes thinking someone stepped on some doggie do-do or something and smelling in the kids room or looking for a dirty diaper.. but nothing distinct found.. the I pet the puppy could it be her?? LOL i don't know I let her out like I usually do but somethings still stinky.. going to drive me nuts. Maybe it was just the puppy tooted or something lol. OK yuckie so it is still so beautiful outside. Hope it's this nice tomorrow. I am going to play some games and hopefully get tired.