It's a setup, and they're OK with that

By Safiya Ravat

Updated 4:39 pm, Thursday, June 28, 2012

Photo: Thomas B. Shea

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Muzna and Asad Khan at Meadow Lake in Sugarland. The two were married in an arranged marriage. Asad lives and works in Washington D.C. and Muzna is going to college at UH Sugarland campus. After college Muzna will move to Washington D.C. and live with her husband Asad. For the Chronicle: Thomas B. Shea

Muzna and Asad Khan at Meadow Lake in Sugarland. The two were married in an arranged marriage. Asad lives and works in Washington D.C. and Muzna is going to college at UH Sugarland campus. After college Muzna

Muzna and Asad Khan at Meadow Lake in Sugarland. The two were married in an arranged marriage. Asad lives and works in Washington D.C. and Muzna is going to college at UH Sugarland campus. After college Muzna will move to Washington D.C. and live with her husband Asad. For the Chronicle: Thomas B. Shea

Muzna and Asad Khan at Meadow Lake in Sugarland. The two were married in an arranged marriage. Asad lives and works in Washington D.C. and Muzna is going to college at UH Sugarland campus. After college Muzna

Muzna Khan and Asad Saqib met when their families introduced them. They spoke over the phone but did not see one another again until their wedding the following year.

Muzna Khan and Asad Saqib met when their families introduced them. They spoke over the phone but did not see one another again until their wedding the following year.

Photo: Thomas B. Shea

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Daniel and Elisheva Golani (CQ) have their portrait taken at their home on Wednesday April 11, 2012 in Houston, TX. They are a young Jewish couple that was matched up by Daniel's mother over 2 years ago. ( J. Patric Schneider / For the Chronicle )

Daniel and Elisheva Golani (CQ) have their portrait taken at their home on Wednesday April 11, 2012 in Houston, TX. They are a young Jewish couple that was matched up by Daniel's mother over 2 years ago. ( J.

Daniel and Elisheva Golani (CQ) have their portrait taken at their home on Wednesday April 11, 2012 in Houston, TX. They are a young Jewish couple that was matched up by Daniel's mother over 2 years ago. ( J. Patric Schneider / For the Chronicle )

Daniel and Elisheva Golani (CQ) have their portrait taken at their home on Wednesday April 11, 2012 in Houston, TX. They are a young Jewish couple that was matched up by Daniel's mother over 2 years ago. ( J.

Daniel and Elisheva Golani (CQ) have their portrait taken at their home on Wednesday April 11, 2012 in Houston, TX. They are a young Jewish couple that was matched up by Daniel's mother over 2 years ago. ( J. Patric Schneider / For the Chronicle )

Daniel and Elisheva Golani (CQ) have their portrait taken at their home on Wednesday April 11, 2012 in Houston, TX. They are a young Jewish couple that was matched up by Daniel's mother over 2 years ago. ( J.

Elisheva and Daniel Golani are a young Orthodox Jewish couple matched up by Daniel's mother more than two years ago.

Elisheva and Daniel Golani are a young Orthodox Jewish couple matched up by Daniel's mother more than two years ago.

Photo: J. Patric Schneider

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A family friend arranged the marriage of Hindus Manisha Brahmbhatt, left, and Jayesh, 12 years ago. They have two sons, Pranav, 9, and Shiv, 6.

A family friend arranged the marriage of Hindus Manisha Brahmbhatt, left, and Jayesh, 12 years ago. They have two sons, Pranav, 9, and Shiv, 6.

Photo: Brett Coomer

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It's a setup, and they're OK with that

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The first time University of Houston senior Muzna Khan laid eyes on Asad Saqib, a 27-year-old Muslim engineer from Virginia, she wore no makeup and a black headscarf, and felt fairly nervous. By their third meeting, black kohl adorned her eyes, purple gems sparkled from her elaborate Pakistani dress and her pearly whites beamed. It was their wedding day.

For many American women, the search for Mr. Right can take years, but for three Houston women the process was expedited. Their marriages were arranged.

In contemporary society, men and women are left to find each other through friends, online dating, common interests or any number of other ways. Despite the stigma it may carry, arranged marriages are not uncommon for some Hindus, Muslims and Orthodox Jews living here.

"There is definitely an unfamiliarity and discomfort with the concept," said Sadia Jalali, a licensed marriage and family therapist in southwest Houston. "The dominant cultural perspective sees it as being something forced, or you meet someone and that same night you marry them."

An arranged marriage occurs when a third party makes the selection of the individuals to be wed, Jalali said. Unlike a forced marriage, the would-be bride and groom have the final say in an arranged marriage.

UNICEF reports that just 4 percent of arranged marriages worldwide end in divorce. On the contrary, half of all contemporary marriages in the U.S. end in divorce.

Jalali said the same religions that encourage arranged marriages also discourage divorce. In each of those faiths, dating or intimacy before marriage is forbidden.

When Elisheva Golani randomly sat next to a short brunette woman at her all-girl Jewish school's mother-daughter event, the then-18-year-old could not have imagined that 10 months later she would be married to the woman's son, Daniel.

"In Jewish communities, there's usually a 'shadchan,' a matchmaker, who has a whole list of girls' and boys' names and everything about them," said Elisheva, now 21 and a UH photography major. "It has where they went to school, their personalities, what their ambitions are, every little possible thing you can imagine."

The shadchan chooses a match from the list, and the young man and woman are set up on a sort of blind date. Since the religion's modesty laws prevent nonmarried men and women from being alone together, Orthodox Jewish couples often meet in hotel lobbies or cafes.

"It's more like a business meeting … to see if you're compatible," said Daniel, now 23 and studying Chinese at UH. "At these meetings, you need to establish what's important. You ask questions like, What do you want to do with your life? Can we build a family and home together?"

Though some consider these questions too serious for a first date, Rabbi Chaim Lazaroff, who leads the Chabad of Uptown congregation, believes the opposite.

An advocate for arranged marriages, Lazaroff said that a successful relationship starts with compatibility, then moves to love, marriage and, finally, intimacy.

"Other people are building their relationships upside down," he said of a scenario in which couples meet based on physical attraction, then have sex and ask important questions much later. "At that point, people are so emotionally involved that they're not able to step back and see if they're compatible for marriage."

In Muslim and Hindu cultures, religious leaders, relatives or even friends can recommend a match to a family looking to get their son or daughter married. The man and his parents will visit the woman and her family, and the two can ask vital make-or-break questions.

The process eliminates a lot of heartache, too, said Muzna, 22, who is studying to become a teacher. "Both people come in with a pure intention. Nobody is messing around; nobody is just in it for a temporary time."

Having parents involved also gives an added feeling of security, said Manisha Brahmbhatt, 40, who married her husband, Jayesh, 12 years ago. Before the Bellaire resident met her Hindu husband, her parents had him checked out.

Manisha, a UH graduate who was 3 when her family moved to Houston from India, agreed to let her parents arrange her marriage - but she was in no rush. By the time she was 27, many suitors had come and gone. Then came Jayesh. In a family friend's home, Jayesh met her father first and then took Manisha out to a coffee shop in Rice Village. The two hit it off instantly.

That night he wrote in his diary, "I met Mrs. Brahmbhatt today."

After six months of "supervised" courting, the couple was engaged and married the following year. They now have two sons, Pranav, 9, and Shiv, 6.

For Jews, Daniel said, a decision is often made after the first meeting, but some couples may want a few more meetings. In their case, Daniel proposed to Elisheva on their third meeting.

"I was excited," Elisheva admitted shyly about meeting Daniel. "They told me he had a lot of similarities to me, he knew a lot of languages, and he was artsy and smart."

Still, when Daniel proposed, Elisheva was unprepared.

"I liked him, but I thought, 'How in the world are we going to get married when I don't even know him?' " she said. A week later, she agreed; the wedding was 10 months later.

Asad Saqib said he was preparing for grad school and not particularly interested in marriage when his parents produced a photograph of Muzna, sent by relatives in Houston. His parents persisted, so the three of them flew to Houston from Virginia to meet Muzna and her family.

The men and women sat in different rooms. Muzna chatted with his mother. Asad talked about basketball and the Houston Rockets to her brothers. When the Saqibs got up to leave, Muzna caught her first glimpse of him and her heart raced, she said.

The next day, the families met again, but this time the pair was left alone in the living room to talk. Each asked their vital questions: how they felt about children, how they dealt with anger - and both were impressed with the other's answers.

"Her personality was so good, and her outlook was clicking with mine so much," Asad said. "I was like - this is it, finally. She was just perfect for me."

Muzna felt ecstatic, too, though she collected herself in front of her family as they dissected the evening. After giving them her solemn nod of approval, she raced to her bedroom and squealed over the phone to her friends, "Oh, my God," she told them, "I think I'm going to marry him!"

The two were engaged that summer. They didn't meet in person again until their wedding the following year.

"It makes it so much sweeter, so much better," Asad said. "Since I never dated anyone else, she's the only girl in my life that I have ever loved and will ever love."