Sunday, 5 August 2007

Gnat Facts

Clare from Keeper of the Snails asks three questions I had been intending to address for a long time. Thank you Clare. You catch me sunbathing on the patio and, while Judy prepares my Sunday lunch, I'm in a perfect state of mind to tell you all you need to know.

Clare asks:

1. What can I do with the fluff that comes out of a tumble drier?

2. Why do gnats fly in spirals and never hit each other?

3. Will the gentleman's tie ever truly go out of fashion?

You’d be surprised at the numer of times I’m asked these questions, especially number 1.

I always say that the fluff from a tumble drier is best collected, dried, and then donated to the Worldwide Duvet Fund, which uses the fluff to stuff third-world mattresses. Fluff conservation is close to my heart, and close to Judy’s too, and we’re proud to be spokespersons for the cause. If you work out how much fluff is produced in the industrialised West, you’d realise that many of the world’s lagging problems could be solved at a stroke. Remember: your fluff can help a family combat a Ugandan winter.

Gnats fly in spirals but, despite what you read in pro-gnat propaganda, they do often collide. It’s just they don’t complain about it and rarely demand compensation. Gnats are remarkably free living creatures.

Gentleman’s ties are slowly going out of fashion. This is mainly because I don’t wear them myself, preferring to go about open necked, so you can see as much as me as possible. Neckties have been linked to 92% of all accidents involving threshing machines and mangles. Kipper ties have also been identified as a leading cause of male infertility due to their reducing blood flow around the body. This hypothesis can't been proved, however, due to a lack of data casued by the inability of men who wear kipper ties to find mates.

I have a couple of gnat related facts for you today. Gnats are poisonous if ingested in large numbers. Many cyclists will be taken to hospital each year with gnat poisoning and it is believed that many of the positive drug tests coming in from this year’s Tour de France are the result of cyclists swallowing larger number of insects than in previous years. The gnat is also the national insect of Sardinia, and is immortalised on the Sardinian flag in the form of a small black stitch in the lower left corner.

Richard: Gentlemen's neck ties are fast becoming a thing of the past for the medical profession, especially amongst gynaecologists who favour bow-ties instead, because neckties tend to dangle where they're definitely not wanted (think about it) and become unsavoury hosts to billions of bacteria.

About Richard

An acknowledged expert on every subject, Richard was the host of the UK’s most popular tea-time talk show before he propelled satellite TV into a new era with his show on 'Watch'. Sadly, that era was akin to the 'Dark Ages' but with lower viewing figures. He now divides his time between radio and voice-over work for a range of high performance mobility scooters. His hobbies include skiing, water sports, breaking endurance records, and creating world-shattering inventions in his garden shed.