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Here unfolds the UNEDITED personal diary of a young Irish-American growing up in the suburbs of Chicago. This diary covers his life from 1989-2011.

2002

January 1, 2002 Well I definitely had the most fucked up New Years Eve ever. I think I had a near death experience. Carlson and myself went downtown to see Dark Star at the Riviera. Well about 3 songs in (after much shibby and drinking) I felt a little queasy. I headed toward the bathroom, but about 10 steps into my journey my eyesight began to fade- then I couldn’t hear anthing! OR FEEL ANYTHING. I fainted. People surround me- I apparently had head butted some dudes on my unconscious decent. It was real scary. I think some of the shibby was laced. That experience might have been bottom. Oh yeah, I have all Buffy’s on tape now. January 5, 2002 Well, no good word from Mtv yet. My brain is going numb from the anxiety. I found out yesterday that Graham might be going to COD this winter, as in 2 days from now. Apparently, his grades weren’t too hot- he wants to maybe regroup mentally-THANK GOD OTHER PEOPLE HAVE PROBLEMS TOO! This real world lunacy will be the death of me. I need a tarot card reading! I have a stalked now too, Lindsey. Some gal I got it on with randomly and now she is obsessed. My plan of attack-to never be here when she calls. Boo-Ya. I think I’ve been trying to take a healthier approach to life psychologically-no more helpless feeling! January 7, 2002 Well Graham is of course not going to COD and of course Carlson is the one to tell me. Fuck that. No word from Mtv-not a good sign. Things are looking bleak, as usual. I must gint into UofI. There is no if ands or buts about it. Stole the Scooby doo poster last night. It displays the beautiful Sarah Michelle Gellar. Im sick of my life. I’m not sick of living – just my personal version of it. If only I knew magicks that could allow me to switch bodies-Freddie Prinze Jr’s vessel, here I come. January 17, 2002 Oh no. I prophesize a very bleak, depressing winter. Friends no longer dwell amongst me. In fact, tonight is Carlson last night and I pretty much refused to do anything with him for neurotic reasons. I’m losing my logic grasp. I’ve been not so good as of late. Between Dine and Ditching and hanging out with Steve a helluva lot, I’ve close to breaking down. No word from the fucking show. They tease and torment me and that is the extent of what occurs. I’m getting real fed up with being the fuck who gets left behind whilst everyone flees these tormenting burbs. On top of that, Regionals for my speech kids are coming up and I’m not sure I can express how much I truly loather coaching these days. Not to mention me getting stuck co directing fucking PIR with Mrs. Laffey(whose cool) but it still blows. This feeling is so reminiscent of the end of summer. COD blows chunks. I hate my fucking sisters who woke me up at nearly 630 am by screaming at each other. Bitches. Seems as though I’m a real good candidate for mind fucking. I teased and tormented by everyone and everything. Here how weird I am – I’m not watching ER right now, despite nothing else to do, so I don’t have to watch commercials(taping it)- While my mom would probably love the company. Weird weird weird. January 20, 2002 2:49 am Wow: That really encompasses everything about this evening/morning. First off, we had this bitch ass long tournament at the old DGSHS. Mrs. Carlson had me come to both the Friday and the Saturday. Holy shit, as I write this(which was intended as a bitch session about V and Flem) I just came to the realization that V is indirectly responsible for me seeing Liz Elegant; telling her I was sorry I didn’t invite her to prom(2 years ago) and then I asked her to do something on the Saturday night following. She accepted – we rented a movie – got it on – talked for a REALLY LONG time, but Enjoyable time. She made me feel happy and normal again. Anyway as far as other things go – ie. No word from the rotten reality show and Calrsons departure. They seem so insignificant after chilling with a cool ass girl. She is totally my type. Dark hair, dark eyes, Jewish, excellent height, loves speech, doesn’t know steve well enough though – I’m not sure that I wouldn’t give up steve privileges if this girl asked. But that’s not going to happen because she goes back to school tomorrow. How much does that suck the big one. Isn’t that how things always seem to be. TEASED. Things are just out of reach for JOE – this has happened for too long now. Something has gotta give. And I mean soon. Pink Floyd Rocks. Steve Rocks! V’s a bitch. Btw – Liz’s old speech coach was named V too. February 4, 2002 Hey, I’m eagerly awaiting a call from Jeff about steve. Steve has been dominating my vida lately. That’s okay though. I really think as far as classes go, I’m kosher. I’m going down to U of I this weekend for transfer orientation. I’m staying with Durkin. It should be fun. It will be the first, “Joe college thing” I have ever done. I am missing sectionals to go- so that’s a bonus. I’ve been keeping or at least trying to keep contact with Liz. It’s hard. I don’t even know what’ll happen when I’m in a serious relationship. I am not really a fan of being human, but oh well. February 6, 2002 Realization: At the regional tournament this past Saturday I did something kinda immoral. I was in charge of bringing the Subway sandwiches into the team homeroom. Anyways, while bringing in the crazy large sandwiches they began to slip out of my hands. Well, on fell halfway out onto the stairwell floor. Freaking out I kinda smushed it all back on the ripped cardboard and brought it up. I layed it in front of the speechers – claimed it hadn’t hit the ground and they feasted. The sandwiches were really expensive and I didn’t want to reimburse 50 dollars. I figured dirt couldn’t really hurt anyone; I hope that’s true. Anyway, I think that means I could maybe kill a man and get away with it. Ha! I bet that sound psycho. Oh well!

February
22, 2002
Ok, here we go. Well yesterday I picked up Liz. She came
back to my house around 9 and we watched The Cell. Can’t say she enjoyed it too
much. Anywho, follwing this she insists on watching a happy movie. “ Even if I
don’t watch it, I need something for the background.” Hmmm. I put in She’s All That – we get it on during
the whole movie. Yikes. Apparently, I’m “Really intense.” This is her attempt
at a compliment. As usual, third base is my best friend apparently. We shared
the fact that we were both virgins. I guess, “that gives you serious points.”
Whatever. I honestly don’t know what my feelings are toward this girl. I do
think she is crazy beautiful – BUT – I’m not sure if I feel we are connecting
on a more important level. She stands for everything I don’t. Her favorite
music is country for God’s Sake! How do I deal with something like that?
Anywho, let me get to what I planned to originally write about: JOE’s BUSIEST
DAY EVER. “Lotta ins, lotta outs.” Wake up at 9:30 – acting class – rehearse
final acting scene afterwards with Lee(duet partner: seems cool) – drive to
Grove to help Tom Lally put up a ceiling in his neighbors basement(hard fucking
work, gotta do more tomorree) – drive home to celebrate Pat’s BDAY briefly(gave
him a milky way dark bar) – drove to DGN to see the fucking retarded winter
play directed by Sokol (You Can’t Take it With You: her last production cuz
she’s retiring – old fucking senile coot) – enjoy ripping on the play with Flem
– immediately following, go out for coffee and pie with Jessica Rhoades and
Sarah Derer(who both have serious crushes on me – very awkward) then at
midnight drive to Liz’s house where we proceed to get it on for a couple ye
hours. Damn! Then I wrote in this damn journal. Busiest day ever! No ifs, and
or butts about it. well…maybe a couple butts! Anywho, plan to fall asleep to
Radiohead(Ok Computer) I hope my dreams are as jam packed as today was. Yowser.
February
27, 2002
Thank God this horrible month is almost over. I was watching
Sex, Lies and Videotapes tonight and totally appreciated a quote quoted in the
film. “Men fall more and more in love with women their attracted to. Women
become more and more attracted to men they love.” This seemed significant to me
for some reason. Almost as thought I’m caught by this stereotype. But I have to
honest, I’m liking Liz a lot more as I get to know her better. While I have
trouble believing this while lucid, if I wrote it – it seems reliable. Another
interesting facet of this weeks adventures included learning that Kurt Cobains
Journal was going to be sold for thousands. There must be interesting shit in
there. I want to start including interesting shit. I’m talking to Liz almost
daily now…
March 25,
2002
This month flew. I got some things to say for once. BTW,
technically it’s the 26th(4:07)
– but I wanted to pretend it was my B-Day still. Anyway, I tried out for
another COD play and got cast. It’s a small part, but hey, it’s a part none the
less. The play is called TALES OF THE LOST FORMICANS. As you would assume, no
one has heard of it. I’m still maintaining some sort of relationship with Liz.
I don’t really know how to classify it to be honest with you. I’m fairly
certain I don’t have serious feelings for her though. Ironically, as she
actually admitted to worrying about, I dot think she it too much of a sorority
girl. Everyone was back last week for spring break and Rus brough back this
chick Sarah. I don’t think I have ever met a cooler girl in my life. She was
funny and warm! When she smiled I got lost in it! She isn’t gorgeous, but she
has this subtle beauty that is rare and provocative. Never before had I felt,
inside, the way she made me experience. Atop that, seeing that today was my
B-Day I went out and met up with Zach Taylor and Kevin Conness(Maple Hill
Chums) They’re cool, but naïve and draining. But that’s beside the point. I met
them at the Green Room in the Grove and while there totally met another
righteous Babe! Her name is Molly(love the name) she is a Frosh at COD as it
turns out. She is crazy energetic – almost to a scary level. Anyway, I talked a
fair amount with her and eventually got her #. The weird thing is I remember
noticing this girl from the past. She went to North, and lives by Cahill. Its
funny how things work out. I always remembered thinking she was a sever hotty.
Anyway, Rus will be back on Sat w/Sarah for one night. I’m gonna see how that
goes. I’m 20 years old and don’t feel a day past 10. I don’t wanna grow up!
April 6,
2002
I decided to rearrange the crib. My room that is. Instead of
the futon facing the window/tv/desk/frig/bookcase I switched it up so it faces
my closet which I put the desk inside. I’m tading an ideal view for looking at
more space. I don’t really know why – spring is coming. Why wouldn’t I want to
see things blooming soon! I’m not really sure why I switched it around – I
guess I was desperate for change. Not sure if I already wrote this, but I DID
get accepted to the University
of Illinois. That’ll be
weird/fun I wonder. The Molly thing looks like it’s going to be a bust. Don’t
ask me why – it just is. Quietly whisper what my heart wants to scream. It’s
weird how people kinda label you when younger and when things don’t turn out as
expected it’s a real disappointment. I’m a little inebriated writing this so
excuse any spelling errors. This room is really different now. One problem is
that people have to look at my clothes. Plus, I’m not close to headphones. I
mean even now I am sitting on the toy chest in the corner of my room. It’s
seriously filled with my old toys now. Even my N64 is ancient in the realms of
gaming of systems. I think the next wave of systems(post cube and xbox) there
will be a real whammy of a system. Mind boggling. Liz-O-Meter: Meh.
April 27,
2002
Fastest 3 weeks ever. Spring has sprung; feels great. I have
a fresh Buffy Tuesday: Entropy. The word entropy has been popping up a lot
lately. Its one of the words I have to say for the play. Opens this upcoming
weekend. I got an 83 on my first Earth Science test – highest grade in the
class(not sure if I am proud though) I got used to A’s and now I have a couple
dosey of classes. I have to have an evaluation por steve-o. I visited Rus and
Joe at Grinell for 420 day. It was a rip roaring good time. Graham met me there
with his friends Josh and Shayne MacKenzie. Overall nice guys. I started
reading the book ON THE ROAD. I mentioned it to Dad, who had already read it –
which I sorta respect. This summer has serious potential to be good. There is
just that feeling about it. Carlson seems like a different guy lately – nice,
more considerate. I visited him a couple weekends ago – that was a fun time. I
made a bold leap and sent like a pretty blunt email. It was all like “wassup
with things – should I care?” I am stunned by the speed of this month. There’s
a chick in the play that I sorta dig. She likes Buffy/Simpsons – she does have
a SMG nose. I just realized it’s really still the 26(11:17) I was a day eager. I tried to diet this
week, wanting emaciated look. Broke down latter in the week. It seems like a
good chunk of this book it filled = you
OLD.
May 2, 2002
I was thinking about today whether or not good and evil
truly exists. Like they really are 2 primal forces battling it out using us as
pawns. I’m not sure I believe this, but today was the first time I really
wondered. Could somethings in life be truly sinful? Or deviant? But more
importantly, how much of a choice do we have in determing “teams.” Is it like
in gym when ya pick kids 1 at a time. But at what age does the game start? I
think not until you know you can survive on your own without anyones help;
that’s when you make a decision. I’m no longer a teen. I think I have to decide
soon. I was thinking how I now realize I think about my age – and how much life
I have left – and kinda wanting to spend the time RICHER(not $) but overall
value. Do shit that isn’t a waste of time, essentially. I think I must look
like an old person too. Although, I’m still carded often! That’s gotta count
for something. The director of this play calls me the “man with 1000 faces”
What’s that shit about? Am I some experiment gone wrong? How much would that
BLOW!? But he’s a dick, he always make me stay for notes which is an hour
usually with 3 notes for me. Our script is a funny one. Better than Greek
though.
May 9,
2002
Second weekend of “Tales of the Lost Formicans” run. It’s
been a strange journey ol’ chum. I’ve got kinda a happy numb going; just with
life in general. I’m not really enjoying being in this play, but it doesn’t
both me all that much. Its not horribly painful. Just painful. It’s fun to
“just deal” – especially when you know things are gonna get considerably
bettering the near future. Me hopes. I have a lil crush on one of the stage
hands. I guess that’s kinda interesting
news. She’s darker complexioned – busty – and good eyes; seems like a nice girl
too. I won’t do anything about it. What a coward I am. Shame. This time next
week I’ll be awaiting a new breed of craziness added upon your own…Carlson.
Just so you know, you rearranged your
room again…sick much.
May 13,
2002
Yesterday was pretty hilarious. Following out Saturday
perfomance, Glen the stage manager had a cast party. I attended and it was
strangely wild. First off, I met the band Plain White Tees – they just signed a
contract with Fearless Records. They could become big. The drummer Dave, was totally
righteous. He was genuinely pleasant to talk to. I spent a good hour talking to
him about the life of a rock star – only confirming the fact that it’s
marvelous. Then around 3 am
there was a knife-fight at the shindig. Our music director went loco and
assaulted one of the guests with intent to kill. “I will kill you” was uttered
from his lips. Blood was spilled, but the situation was passified by Glen the
Stage manager. BTW, this cast has designated me with the nickname “Cool Joe
Camel.” There were 3 Joe’s involved in the play, so we needed differentiation.
Actually, one of the Jo’s(the female one) got it on with a fellow cast mate,
Ryan Toomey. Well what makes that interesting is the kinda guy Ryan is. Total
player, hungry for women and weed always. Well, while chilling with Justin
Cagney, Steve and Ryan – he confided in us that he slept with some HO prior to
meeting us at the karaoke bar.(Sunday post-show) Well, Jo was at the bar and
was destroyed by Ryan’s blatant disregard for her feelings by having a slut
literally hanging off of him whilst there. Plus, it was mother’s day atop it
all and I sorta brawled with the father. Overall, busy and interesting 24
hours.
May 25,
2002
Man are they right when they say “time flys when you are
having fun.” Shit, days have been blowing by. Graham, Calrson and everyone are
back. We’ve been doing something crazy everynight. Kenosha, field museum, cabaret. I’m so glad
the plays over. Jeez Louise. Buffy season finale rocked. Rearranged my room
pretty much the way it originally was. Pat fixed my computer. 3 weeks of school
left. Carlson took job surveying. Graham at Bike Shop. Chilled with a chick
that knew Dalo, Wendy, and Kate Mulligan. She’s cool. Rachel. I’m officially
out of TV for the season. Need stimuli. Been home and lucid no more than 3 or 4
hrs this entire week. Looking forward to U of I more I guess.
May 27,
2002
Once there was this straight laced kid. He didn’t get into
any real trouble; whether this was out of luck or lack of opportunity was
another story. But he goes though life kinda bored. Irritates people just to
break up the monotony of the day. Well, because of a fateful Spanish class,
senior year in high school, he meets a gentleman who will change his life – for
better or worse? Debatable. This new fellow introduces him to magics. But
trouble would come. While finally enjoying life and aving fun with the aid of
the magics, arrogance brewed. “king of the World” mentality. Height of magic
usage – shot down! Enforcers take him on. Collapses out of shear surprise. A
tasty snack his downfall. He looks to the mafia for help. They do. The cost to
be stretched over an excessive period of time. Almost inescapable. To go on
living a newly tortured life. He missed the freedom he attached to debt free.
He lasts awhile. A long while, but torment envelopes all. Now forced to sneak
away into the shadows to live. Like a vampire in a lot of ways. But the
question is, how long before the dark side begins bubbling the water again. He
does not want to drown. But he also knows failure again will result in exile.
There would be no penance. Continues to run in shadows.
June 1,
2002
The days are pleasant now. Warm sun, good buds to chill
with(people) and the freshness of summer. I write despite Emily’s exit. She is
leaving tomorrow, after only a two week visit. Acknowledging her departing also
happens to prove the rapid speed time passes when you having a good ass time. I
just flipped the page on my Buffy calendar and the featured character is Anya.
Anya is a marvelous character – supremely confident and adorable at the same
time. I painted quotes from songs on my wall a couple ye days ago. “All the
endless ruins of the past must be forgotten.” GD. “The worlds a roller coaster
and we are not strapped in, maybe I should hold with care, but my hands are
busy in the air. BB I’m digging all sorts of music now. The common rule at this
point is anything but country. Liz liked country. That’s appropriate. I’ve
kinda come to appreciate this journal more because Carlson mentioned he didn’t
have anything documenting his existence at all. Granted, I don’t tell you
everything because who know who might peak in. You’d be shocked! However, I am
all about good karma now. After the run in, seems like I never wanna get
comeuppance again. I was thinking about whether I am a hug guy at all. Maybe a
little. Like Im not opposed to hug hellos. Usually meaningful ones – not all
the time. Woke – Frisbee gold(2 over par) – dairy queen(mint-choc. Oreo
blizzard) – pet store(chinchilada?) – Carlson’s(worms) – B-Ball(knockout) –
Emily’s(fire/Mario) – walk2omega/buy sprinkle cookie – Carlson separates from
the crew with Rachel and they walk to her car at his house. (She is wearing my
grey jacket I lent to her cuz she was chilly) I’m on the verge of smitten.
Barracudas. I am gonna miss Emily – a lot. Fun friend. Blow.
June 5,
2002
Things are pretty chill as of late. Got finals and shit, but
Jeez I can’t remember the last time I freaked/stressed about escuela. Years.
I’ll get by – no worries. Leonard Skynard rules. Carlson quit his job as
surveyor and is now pizza boy. Ha! I met up with fun guy today. Prolly gonna
chill with fun guy lata in the week. I’m sure to have a ball. Family lifes been
a little weird. I’m rarely home lately and I don’t think they can even fathom
what craziness I immerse myself in. Never forget that Donatello was your
favorite TMNT. I toyed with the
idea of Raphael being my ‘tile, but sarcasm wasn’t really my bag. I know I
gotta email V and Flem thanking them for 2 years of employment, but avoiding it
is also fun. Your life boils down to 2 or 3 really big events. Let’s change
what events are in the top spot. They need changing!
June 6,
2002(11:47 pm)
Well, we chilled with him today. A trip to the Zoo was in
order for the occasion. We drove and the ride was both convoluted and
mesmerizing. Parked and walked a smooth and joyful route to the park. After
taking a wiz, the tunnel beckoned. I sauntered toward this portal not knowing
what waited. Upon entering I knew there was not turning back. Slurped into the
lunacy, the tunnel was brought to life by dozens of little children “releasing
the wild within” as prompted by the tunnel walls. It was like nothing else.
Human chillin’ stirring up trouble. Vocalizing for kicks. We ran the second
half of the tunnel mostly out of confusion. It was time for animals. We walked
by the butterfly arena, but passed. It was extra dough. The pachyderms were out
first hit. Sadly, most were indoors. But the elephants dazzled. Around the
corner were the kangaroos…sexing it up. We entered the Australia Habitat to
encounter some of the freaky ass bats and one chill as tree kangaroo. (If I
ever have to write a report on an animal pick Tree Kangaroo) Apparently,
giraffes are my favorite animals. We were climbing rocks adjacent to the seal
exhibit and slipped down in a forested area that descended in a zoo pathway.
Well, kids saw us rustling around behind fences in the trees and thought we
were an exhibit! A kid pointed at me, but couldn’t see me totally and said
“look a giraffe!” I got a plastic mold toy of a giraffe later. I climbed a
retarded amount of trees. THE ELEPHANT TREE.
One tree I climbed to the very top and peered at the entire zoo. There was a
branch on that tree that was fucking ideal for lounging on. Dangling limbs
rule. Oh shit, we chillege with the sea otters for awhile too. We jumped the
fence and were with a ft of them. The playful rascals really enjoyed our
company – and vice versa. While hanging from a
tree in a court area, I smile above as a family passed leering. I said,
“It’s a lesson in evolution.” They laughed. The cave was rockin’ too. There was
a lil’cave hidden away that let you see the snow leopards up close. Well, I was
sitting in there and a Chinese family came in – the baby stroller rolled into
me. They asked if I was hurt; I wasn’t. The monkey house was lacking due to
closing time restraints – we were ushered out, but managed to sneak away to
their hidden lake. Finally, we were hunted down – driven backwards on a golf
cart to Carlson’s car – the tunnel, once again, was overwhelming. What a Fun
Guy!
Friday
June 21st, 2002 (12:55)
Summer Solstice
Bizarro Day. Wake at 6:30 am. Drive to Wheaton. Drop off car at Hartigans to replace
the axels. Told it won’t be done until after 2 pm. Shocked and pissed. I go
back to Pat’s house. Watch Traffic. Pat goes to Arby’s. Hang with steve during
half-hour absence. Eat potato pancakes.
Watch The Arrival. Meet Dad at John’s buffet for Pepsi. Retrieve car de la
Hartigans. Drive home. Learn that I am hired at Giuseppes as a Pizza delivery
boy. Drive and drive and drive. Last delivery, a batch of chichas in a
convertible-jeep giggle/wave at me. Make barely minimum wage for 6 hours work.
Meet up with Ryan and Graham in the Grove. Goto Ruthanns house with them. Chat
it up. Don’t forget about orientation which was this past Monday. Wow.
July 1,
2002
Monday following Heritage Fest weekend. Also, Nora’s
Birthday apparently. I chipped in. Watching Zoolander on DVD. Im really wanting
to learn music lately. Whether it be singing/playing instrument(most likely
guitar) – or really write music – but I don’t know the language of music. Like
notes. Going to Great American tomorrow. To Deer Creek next weekend. GBTU walls
are covered more. Marleys life philosophy is something worth noting.
July 4,
2002
Yowser. What a 4th. We drove out to the
heights/biesterfield – to play some Frisbee golf and hook up with a Fun Guy we
know out there. Tooken back to the Ville and went up to the HILL. There was an
entourage of people ascending the hill to my and carlsons rear. We took the
short cut and they slowly caught up. Well, while chilling atop out blankets on
the grassy patch of Mt.
Trashmore we thought we
were immune from anything. We figured no one would even know. Well 25 people
gets noticed. I’m standing chilling and what do I see – a slippery fucking
police officer driving through the 4 ft tall reeds toward us. Stealthily! Like
a shark. I yelled cops and ran and ran and ran and ran. Down this towering hill
into the foresty below. The fireworks from hilltop didn’t compare to the
lightening bug show that welcomed us below. The trees sparkled with flashing
stars. Met up with Conness, Phil, Zack and Carlson and Steve(A REAL KID!)…but we thought he could be a figment of
our imagination. Unbelievable night.
July 15,
2002
Went to Deer Creek this pask weekend to see String Chees
Incident. It was a mind blowing good time. Spent the Friday night in Lafeyette
with Carlson’s friend Dan Smalls. Really nice guy. Camped at Dead Creek. Hung
out with another real fun guy at the concert. He was all about the race cars.
Talked to some chick who Carlson claimed to be a lost soul. She was from Jersey. Going to the Jenny Jones Show on the 30th.
People at the camp were lined up for the nitrous – it looked horrifying to me
to watch dozens of foks line up to put holes in their brain. Carlson and his
buddies enjoyed. I was the only one that didn’t partake.
July 17,
2002
I’m not sure I give writing a fair enough chance as a thing
to do to pass the time. Maybe eventually I could get fairly good at it. I
received an A on stories from my creative writing class last year. I had a
serious ordeal at the DMV – 4 visits in 2 days to no avail. I need an Illinois license to
deliver pizza’s at Nonnies.
July 19,
2002
There is this kid Mike Reynolds that’s a friend of Zack
Taylors who I think I might loathe. It has been awhile since a kid has made me
dislike him so much be he really annoys the hell out of me. I am thinking these
people I am hanging out with stunt my potential. How egotistical to write. I’m
tired of trying so hard. Graham had some sex with Shannon
in Iowa last
night. Ewww. Oh yeah, we caught a frog and cray fish and clam and built a
terrarium.
June 21,
2002
A treacherously long day turns into a strangely fun
evening/night at Jimbo Jones’ aka Jimmy Hutchinson. It was like old times
chillin in his basement/kitchen.bedroom – only now we were adults doing adult
things – thanks to Mrs. Hutchinson’s passion for camping Jimmy’s house was
empty for rowdiness. Natalie Green was there – and fine as hell – I mean this
girl, wow. But she’s totally drugged out of her gord. She seems comfortably
immersed in the wonderful world of drugs. She remembered me. Graham went to Indiana for some
reaon(ISU) look forward to the scoop. Need a job and I have been looking – a
lot too! Honestly. Bad luck, plus summer is expiring and no one be hiring. Time
to sleep til noon.
July 26,
2002
Everything I hold holy: into question. There is no
explaining what is so very personal. Remembering becomes the battle, but then I
do hate writing this bullshit down because I know it really doesn’t mean a
goddamn thing. I do hope, I really do, that even half of tonight’s occurrences
are textualized in some form but I don’t have hand power now.
July 27, 2002
Levento and study my espanol un pequeno con el Buf.
Progresado al arcy monroes
pad. El mam de RC compria bottles of vino stashed icicle con isis
de “the rach” bajo algun cardboard.
Hopped train y walked to navy pier along the lake. Get there – lil bored –
umphreys was good, but not spectacular at the pt in the set when a bloke named
Carlson was la culpa en la acidente de la flick. Flick was eventually ficked in
the river adjacent to union station. Luego, un brazo no dicho(gave) some: three
letter word for good and madonnas current husbands first name. That’s the
equation to ponder. The concert ruled then. Era tan marveloso. Mi cabeza se
nadado. Dios mios. We walked back to the train depot – world from above exhibit
– massive pictures of wondrous sights. Really quite breathtaking. Ironically we
saw steve the latter half of the trip. Saw mrs. Donoghue’s Colleen walking out
of Jewel @ liquor buying time. Train was chill ass – lotta bleeding background
then cuando returned casa I had crackers and didn’t realize there was ants all
over them – and I had eaten like 3! Not until I picked a crawling ant off my
lip did I ever wonder.
August
15, 2002
This time last year I was in depression mode. I had
absolutely nothing to look forward to. Things are sorta different this year.
This past Monday morning Ryan and Zack headed off for Colorado – probably never to return. Got an
update from his mom saying they arrived safely and are having a ball. Here is
Joe’s fresh predicament: Whether to actually goto U of I. I have questioned my
intention before – but there is now a new monkey wrench in the mix. My father
has been out of town this entire week and I receive an email from him last
night that explains he doesn’t want anything to do with my schooling anymore.
He is refusing to get me the computer he has promised for 2 years now. Fuck
him. The man has serious asshole issues. Of course, mi Madre is being a dumb
subordinate bitch as usual. She is actually the one who complained about me to
him. I don’t know what the hell her malfunction is. She was disappointed I
didn’t work with Tom. Whose also a stiff jackass and I simply didn’t want to
break my back for him anymore. My trouble comes in the form of next years
finances. My dad refuses to aid in Sr. Yrs debts and I have to pay him within 2
years. Total fuckhead. I recenetly woke up and am hiding in my room so as not
to face my vile family. You think I would have grown to appreciate them more,
not less. Here are my options if I decide not to goto school 1. move to California and hope I
don’t die. 2. Goto New Orleans to meet back up with Vinnie until we both goto California. 3. Goto COD
and commit suicide. Hmmm…I wasn’t to goto U of I but I need a computer and
tuition. Everything always becomes impossibly difficult for me the closer to
happiness I get. BTW – I went to New
Orleans spontaneously with Vinne Micko, Al Flannigan
and Laura Gross. Cali
was the original destination, but due to a dead jeep wrangler – cheap greyhound
inspired the trip south. Graham leaves on Sunday. Gonna be tough. Things must
be decided soon. I can feel my age more than ever. Its not a bad feeling just
crazy. It’s funny how you hope feelings toward people will change for the
better and they make it impossible for it to work like that. I haven’t had a
real conversation with my father in months; with the exception of school, we
have jack squat to discuss. I think his resentment about this has spawned his
ludicrous demands. I don’t think Ill talk to either of the parents til this is
completamente remedied. I so need to escape this place and these people for
life. My roommates name is Lien Choi. I will talk to him soon. Orientation was
horrifically ill during ride due to excess sangria drinking whilst painting
quotes on bedroom wall – got in a fender bender(ma driving) – lost shirt – and
something else shitty happened.
August
17, 2002
Prepare for surprises. Currently I am debating what
direction to take in life. The note discussed in the previous entry is a mere
detail of the chaos I’ve recently dealt with. His demands sucked – I let the
moth know – argument – told to leave the house for good – start gathering my
shit in my room – “just try and use that car of yours” say mom – run down to
see THE BABY pinned to the wall of the garage by the Buick with my crazy mother
behind the wheel. I try moving boxes to try and pull and Austin powers maneuver, but she keeps driving
the car into the wall further – popping off the turn signal cover. At this
point, Alpha male come home and I say “Adios god good” “Good Riddance x3”. So I
whip a 4” cloth ball in his direction out of anger. I decide to deal with the
wheel situation later and continue gathering my stuff. Honestly, I had no idea
what was going to happen to me. So 10 min later I get a knock on the door – a
policeman stares – “We gotta chat” – I of course gave him a healthy does of
sass. He was telling me what to do in my bedroom! I didn’t do anything illegal.
SO 3 policemen try and convince me to stay and deal with loans and dill weed
parents. I say the only resolution is “my leaving.” Finally, he lets me pack my
shit up again and tells me they don’t want me in the house without their
presence so I better hurry up. I couldn’t believe my ears. I said “I am packing
up all my shit. Its going to take at least 30 min. Drag me out if you have to.”
They left 20 minutes later. Then I got all my stuff in the Tempo and left only
to turn around to retrieve my forgotten shaver charger. So I get back and
they’re already carrying my furniture out and putting it elsewhere. Fucked
up.(There was a lot of cussing) I am at this point debating between Colorado and New Orleans. I drive to
Pars to get my window fixed and say goodbye. They coerced me into sticking
around. They even offered to loan tuition for U of I. However, I don’t
necessary think U of I is for me. I don’t think I’m gonna like it. I didn’t
pick it out. I just fell into going there. I want to take control of my life
all the sudden. I know I can. So last night with Pat/Eil I had the impression U
of I was gonna have to be it. But then I met up with Leann and Graham and they
don’t think I should goto U of I but should go try and act! Follow the dream
while I still can. W/out 34000 deby that I don’t wanna deal with. I am a free
spirit damn it. Plus Graham said there is a slim change he’d go. But its Graham
so…I hope! The plan with Graham would involved picking out appopriate shit to
bring. Drive to Fort Collins
Colorado. Visit Carlson and
figure out where we want to live in Cali.
Live there for a yr – hopefully 25 hr construction – then next summer try and
act in LA. Do what I always thought impossible. I know the pride from that
would be spectacular. IM 20 damn it. I feel old and think I must go west.
Stardom possibly awaits. A 20 yr old actor is better than a 27 yr old one. U of
I leads to debt, maybe masters. Maybe peace corp.
August
19, 2002
Well needless to escribir – Graham went back to Iowa. The sissy. He took
the easy way to go. Which is essentially what I’d be doing by going to Urbana. Its easy because
I don’t have to think about my life, but instead paralyze reality for another
couple years. I need to regain feeling. I know I want to go west right now –
but I am scared shitless I guess – somedays I think I could rule the planet and
others – ties shoes = hard. Im not really sure where I lie mentally right now.
I know I can learn more, but I question the use. Ok, money/sell out to American
ideals. Im not sure I could tolerate morphing into an automaton. Im a
conflicted free spirit. I returned from a visit to Grinnell to pick up Rus with
Marco today. It was usually Grinnell experience. Few laughs and trouble
causing. I hate the clapper. Lazy ass people. I think people assume I am lazy
due to my lifestyle. I will acknowledge that not getting a job this summer was
fucked up. But God Damn it I tried hard to get one. White privilege didn’t come
in too handy. I am desperately trying to
reestablish some espanol en mi vocabulario. Quiero hacer bien cuando tendra mi
prueba. Graham left today – he is missed. Carlson is missed, as is Rach. I
think U of I is really a way to avoid depression. Obviously, I gotta start a
fresh journal soon. So wherever I end up at the end of this week will be
recorded in the fresh black journal. I
hope it reads of better times than this one. It seems however that my vida esta
loco the past 2 months to an eerie level. I can’t believe I severed contact
with the family. However, upon explaining the story to Graham, LeAnn, Daniels,
Rus, Jen, Garrett and Paulie they agree that my parents are seriously deranged.
August
22, 2002
You wouldn’t believe the lovliness that transpired the
evening of my last entry. So I burn the day with movies and what not. Little
Collateral Damage and Mothman Prophecies
which anywhere other then Eileen and Pat’s house I’d feel really ridiculous
watching. Anyway, planned to meet and chill with LeAnn that night – do – learn
Amanda Gregor will be joining us in our tomfoolery – she does. I just hunted
for an entry detailing an encounter with
Gail Colaric in LeAnn’s basement last summer. Hot – steamy – kicked Carlson
outta the basement by paying him 10 dollars – apparently I was hungry for Gail
action @ the time. It was worth it if I recall – a real wildcat! Well, on the
very same pull-out couch Gail and I dabbled in the dark arts, Amanda and myself
enjoyed each other this past Monday night. I seriously needed that dosage of
sexy goodness. I set up the bank
accounts with Eil today. I cannot believe they going to lend me the money to
goto school. That is the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. I am going
out to lunch with my sister Margaret tomorrow. I suppose it should be alright –
I’ve come close to considering her a good friend – there is just too much I
couldn’t tell her I think. She’s still too naïve. I don’t reckon I’ll talk to
Nota. I sorta feel bad about that. My computer is on the fritz. I shouldn’t
have left it on all day. Saw John Anderson tonight. Javeh Bacteria last night.
Said goodbye to LeAnn toniht. Garrett isn’t a prompt businessman.
August
24, 2002
The last few days have been winding down at a pretty
pleasant pace. I have only one more day before departure! Tonight I searched
for Steve with Pete and Same and then partied with Jimmy, Fiege and company at
Jimbos house. Its fucked up being there all fucked up knowing you used to
frolic around sober in that very place years prior. Garrett is letting me down.
I had my tarot cards read by Mrs. Baruch – she says I always give off
incredible energy. She forecasted my stay at U of I – predictably numbing with
a shot of chicha in the dose. But not “the one” I hope I just bust through the
year swiftly. She nailed some serious shit with tarot. And Ms. B is gonna buy
me a deck manana.
August
30, 2002
I have spent nearly a week in Champaign-Urbana now. I am
having entirely too much fun. I suspect the RA already has it out for me. We
have had a few encounters where I was a little out of it. Everyone on the floor
surmises that he is a pretty chill guy, but I still have reservations. The
roommate is pretty solid. Lien is a damn nice guy and he is under the
assumption that I am too. Just wait. I do believe he’ll be studying about 114%
more than myself. He used to hang out with Steve – but it’s buckling down time.
The rest of the dudes on my floor are rockin’ too. I am the only shibby appreciator
here thus far. The corruption must begin. The chicks across the breezeway are
especially awesome as well. The trouble involves the unseen boyfriends clouding
their minds – presently my classes aren’t ridiculous. I think coastin’ should
be facil. My espanol class might be the only exception. The top bunk sorta
blows – but has been rigged to suffice for now. I’ve seen Sullivan a couple ye
times since my arrival. I’m thinking he wants me to join the frat, but as we
both know, it’s not my bag. I’ve been giving tarot card readings too. Ms.
Baruch hooked me up with a deck. Still learning, but every reading has been
eerily accurate. I really wanna do the transfer thing. U of I is pretty
swiggity dank, but I know there are better places for Joe to be chillin’. Una
chicha puede el solamente problema cuando va a eso. I have already been to see
a show at the Canopy – Victor Wooten. Funk Jazz Fuzion! It ruled. Every night
here has been totally fun-filled. I’m a lil leery about this Labor Day weekend
only because a lot of folks are heading back. However, I suspect substances
will remedy that. I bought tickets for Incubus – well actually, Amy from across
the Breezeway did. So Oct 13 that is where I’ll be. Overall, good times with a
dash of uncertainty. I dropped one of my essential English classes in favor of
a speech class I have to wake up an hour earlier 2 days of the week, but its
worth it to be doing what I want. The bike has come in seriously handy. The
buses will be vital come cold weather. Sadly, Phish is growing on me. Everyone
also says I look like Own Wilson here.
I’m gonna take it as a compliment despite his nose. I applied for a job
at Bogarts, but don’t reckon it will be scored. Apparently, the hiring manager
is hard core about muchas interviews. I’m wanting to try out for plays but
don’t really know when or where to. Hooray for laziness. It’s like a 24/7
vacation here. Buying large bottles of vodka the third day might not have been
totally wise, but I sure ain’t letting it go to waste. ABORT!
September
2, 2002
Labor day is upon us. This weekend was all kinds of crazy.
To kick it off, J-Po’s mother passed away. She had been afflicted with MS for
years so it wasn’t a total shocker. However, when you haven’t been away from
home more than a week and your mom dies its pretty heavy. I’m pretty sure he’ll
be back sometime today. A Pink Floyd cover band was enjoyed on the initial
Friday evening. The Canopy proved the hot spot to be for the night.
Accompanying us were Breezeway girls. Geraldine being the most boisterous of
femmes. She absolutely needed excessive
supplemental partying. I think Geraldine isn’t my biggest fan. Conversely, many
of the other Breezeway chicks seem pretty chill with me. Apparently, they have
been questioning Lien as to my habits. Concern is being displayed. I’m seriously nervous about building romantic
relations over there. I think Amy and myself mutually dig one another, but I
totally didn’t take advantage of the situation when I could’ve. I guess
pleasure delaying might be the culprit. I guess setting involved so soon freaks
me a touch. These are all very suburban chicks. This in no way hinders their
ability to be righteous – its just not the eccentricities I might have desired
in surrounding chichas. Geraldine is eccentric to a fault though: Batty Brit. I
have had some substantial conversations with Capri Girl. Her extreme right wing
views are trouble to stomach. Her souls seems rockin’ but I’m thinking
close-minded could get difficult. It’s bizarre because she is the one that digs
the tarot most. She’s loving the astrology thing – which I still have
reservations about. We had a swaree here pre+post party. I’ve been hitting the
bars. Marengo, Tamara and Nevin met me at Murphy’s Sat – while last night, I
enjoyed the atmosphere Brothers in known for. I dropped my ENG 210 for a speech
com class. Very content. Carlson sent me a cryptic note. Cali sooner than later. Possibly stay. Hooray
for winter break possibilities.
September
9, 2002
This weekend was filled with loveliness. Graham and Rachel
came to visit. Umphrees McGee was at the Canopy inspiring their trip. So I saw
Dark Star at the Canopy on Thursday prior to their arrival. It was marvelous.
Sampson and Delilah was played as well as Sugar Magnolia. Durkin and his cool
friend Meghan accompanied myself. Mad dancing and feeling outrageous was
involved. Lauren and Steve, the freshmen, also met up with us there. I popped
Steve’s cherry. He enjoyed the presence of Steve within. Jeff has returned and
is different then when he left. He is reinfatuated with his girlfriend de la Geneva. After a week of
serious bitching his mothers passing prompted the rekindling. I think it’s bogus. A little faith is lost.
Lien was totally chill with me buddies this weekend. I scored a little magic
for Graham and myself and hit up the cemetery. Saw some spooky shit. The orb of
death for one. Josh Green was his ride down. Josh Green sucks ass. I dealt with
him though. We hit up the Frisbee Golf course the Saturday following their
trip. The course is far away and lame. Apparently, Graham is gung-ho about
heading west during X-Mas break. He wants to take off a semester. I didn’t even
talk him into it. Kerouac did. Hooray 4 On the Road. I rented Waking Life last
night. It knocked my socks off. I’m actually dubbing it as we speak. Had to buy
a VCR today – mine crapped out. Season
premieres are coming up. Gotta be prepared for fresh Buffy. Rachel had an
excellent time – she is even considering heading out west with us. It’s contagious
I reckon. I think Amy totally digs me – and I sorta dig her, but she’s a Naperville girl – Meh.
Qualms galore. Flaming Lips and Coldplay newest were both purchased today. I
was eager for new music. My computer taunts me. I really think it might want me
to take a sledge to it. Pretty much the entire transfer cluster went to
Umphree’s McGee with us. I think Graham was surprised at what the social
butterfly I’d become. Honestly, this is the 1st free time I’ve had
to write since the last entry.
September
14, 2002
Last night I experienced a first. Miss Amy from across the
breezeway was anxious to start some romance last night. Following a genuinely
pleasant night of dance clubs and pokey sticks the Brit(Geraldine) comes to
fetch me seconds after crawling into bed. They compliment my purple valore
pants and lead me to Amy’s room. I’m dropped off. So Amy and myself stare at
one another for a bit before I decide to go the “oblivious guy” route. I ask
what’s a happenin’ and she suggests I sleep the night away in her bed. She
claimed to have issues sleeping alone. I still do no know what my feelings for
Amy really entail. Anyway, I decide to prompt a thorough conversation rather
than jumping into bed with her. This seems to disturb ella. So I pretty much
delve into the whole Transfer Cluster No-No – or at least, not so soon. And she
was all “3 weeks of knowing each others a lot” I was confused as to why she
thought she knew me so well. It was really a role reversal sitch. Said male
refusin’ lovin; and girl persisting. Lien seems to agree with my stance, but
doesn’t know if he’d have the will to follow through like me. I think were
gathering a posse to see Robin William’s movie ONE HOUR PHOTO. I think it could
be weird cuz Amy will certainly be there. I talked to Carlson and the Rach
yesterday via AIM and telly respectively. Carlson didn’t give me the impression
CALI was in
order for a yr. And Rach said she Cannot go until summer. I haven’t talked to
Graham – he’ll be crushed if we don’t go on a journey. I just worry it might
not be wise to abandon this life prematurely. I really dislike this school –
but the people rule. For the most part. I missed out on going to Stoner Chuck’s
party on Busey because of the Brit invasion. There was a smoking chicha Fiona
who inspired me to tag along – but she, of course, made out with a fellow Brit
on the dance floor. These weekends have been burnin’. I don’t have 2 seconds to
even think. I am trying out for Arthur Miller’s “All My Sons” on Monday for the
student theater group here. I am eager to get a part. I met a chick, Slavah at
the informational Penny Dreadful Players meeting. I think is she shows up at
the auditions it’s a good sign. I did compliment her name – Slaveh – its means
Glory. She seems Eastern European.
September
18, 2002
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. How do fuckin stellar days
turn into the shittiest. I tried out for All My Sons – made callbacks – felt
better about my performances – yet at midnight
I receive an email of the cast list minus one Irishman. However, I did meet a
pretty fucking cool chick at the auditions. April Lilstrom – I’m smitten –
she’s a freshmen. But in too many ways I feel like a freshmen too. And after that Amy weirdness – I want cool
hot girl action. Plus she is genuinely cool. Long brown hair – brown eyes –
essentially my type. Unfortunately, she didn’t get a part either. Weirdly, a
totally gay kid got the male protagonist role; a highly straight part. This is
one of those rare times I hurt with confusion. I want to know I wasn’t cast due
to odd biases or precasting – but, ok listen to this – I write a poem as an
English assignment and my teacher had printed it off the web board and demanded
I read it for the class today. I was sorta embarrassed to. I never really wrote
poetry before. After initial parts it flowed out.
Fathers Recipe
Full Void
Essentials: blindfold, black leather gloves,
Tube socks, well worn – yellow
Bury Self Deeply
Find the line, stay put indefinitely, attach smile.
(Keep head forward to ensure stability)
Take blindfold, fasten around deviant windows-
(beware of seepage)
Suffocate fingers within dead skin.
(worry not for numbing heat envelopes)
Stand upright and live by the Holy Text.
Do not Experience
September
25, 2002
Buffy season premiere was ayer. Stellar performances all
around. Ian decided to enjoy the splendor of Buffyverse as well. Needless to
say, Steve made it a truly magnificent viewing. To be honest, things here have
morphed into what I sorta expected. To excitement all but obliterated. Just
burning through days now. Procrastinating and chiefing. Classes aren’t going bad. A big whatever in
that dept. Getting to know all the people thouroughly – learning of the new
irritants and possible future woes. Lien even expressed disdain for a character
or two in our barracks. Things have totally calmed down as far as Cali is concerned. Talked
to both Ryan and Graham and May does seem more the likely of departure months.
I’m kinda bored with a lot of aspects: the food, activities(or lack there of),
and of course the chichas. Amy has her piss all over me so I just attempt not
to deal with the dark side as much as possible. J-Po is now Poretto. Mike
officially has the best taste in movies. Courtneys right wing views seem to
have been shifted a touch; fewer rants. Geraldine just won’t stop. I hate that
its so easy to resort to gossiping here – Unfortunately, it seems many have
little else to do. Heres the new poem I am proud of.
Temporary veils help ignore-
Wonders why there can’t be more
Teases senses with locked door;
Open mind and body sore.
Mistakes green clouds for clear
Skies; arid peepers for
Brown eyes. Avoids a mirror-
At all costs – denies the fear
Of something lost. Motivator,
Calculator, innovator whose voice does roar
With feet planted to the floor
A bud I do adore.
The title of it is Buds and is loosely based on Carlson.
Hooray for allusions to pot. Lien is going to be gone for half the weekend. I
don’t know what that translates to. We’ll see. We want to write a script
together and I think it possible to bang out a kick ass story – but I felt that
true with BH version 2.0 too. I feel bad cuz I was talking to Pat on the phone
and my phone card expired. He never called back and I can’t so poo to him. Some
damn, Christians were in here corrupting Lien a couple hours ago. I had to bite
my tongue, “blood in my mouth is better than blood on the ground.”
September
29, 2002
The month is closing. A solid – eventful – surprising month
overall. Last night a little, “I have never…” was played in the newly founded
lounge. Lien just took a shower and thought it was fulfilling. I desire fun
tonight. Everyone is planning on seeing Lucky Boys Confusion at the Canopy. I
rented the first couple episodes of Sopranos 3rd season. LeAnn and
Jimmy Williamsen visited last night. Jimmy was tripping bunnies. We climbed
some trees and hit up the White Horse with Katie and Jamie. Sadly, I learned
all them broads see me as Amy’s Joe. This is what I meant by urination. Lien is
now mocking me for journaling and I told him to fuck off. Good times. Not sure
what type of antics will follow the viewings. I slept til 4 today – figured out
all the things I have to study tomorrow and chilled. LeAnn didn’t mesh with all
them state school broads. She’s too motherly. I desire fulfillment in
unimaginable contexts. This school ain’t deliverin’. Carlson’s been wacked out
on nose cansy and n20 according to kokohead2001. I learned via Lauren that Anne
the redhead “has a thing” para mi!
October
19, 2002
Time has been effectively vanishing before my eyes. All
contact with Amy has pretty much ended – no real awkwardness overall. I got
cast in a 10 minute play festival – I’m in 2 of them. Encounter with Death and
another one without a name yet. It’s a student run – kinda fun so far. I made a
real fool of myself with the Encounter with Death people. Twice I began
screaming @ inappropriate moments – I’m supposed to in the script, but not when
I did. I sorta dig the director of it too.
She is a fellow English majoy. She has only one eye – but I can’t really
tell… We went to Chi town last weekend in hopes to try out for Real World –
waited in line 4 hrs only to be turned away, prior to audition. It was cool
though. I was Anton, Courtney, Geraldine, Lien and me. We spent the Friday
night w/Peter Cahill at U of C – he was so cool about us showing up randomly at
2 am. We were so tired and
desperate for a place to sleep. He had a crazy fumando device that was enjoyed.
My classes are going pretty well. 3 B’s 2 A’s thus far. Hopefully I can keep
them there. Not sure whats of the lady dept lately. There is Yasmine in my
English class who may or may not have given my googly eyes. The director with
one eye – but I have yet to build solidarity with her. Geraldine has officially
taken Jeff Poretto’s spot as resident bud. I never talk to PoPo anymore. He is a
negative force I need not be around. Drinkin’ it up lately. Been tasting some
good brew. Sportin a Pete’s Wicked Helles Lager today. I totally fogot Mom’s
Bday on Wed. What a jerk. I sent an email apologizing. I tried calling but they
never fucking pick up the phone unless they know who it is. I am proud that I
spent 44 of the 50 sent on food. Good boy. Plus I went to class on Friday when
I was really tired. Go me! Being all studious.
October
28, 2002
Funny how things do get old, while others remain fresh as a
daisy. Take addiction for example – forever fresh…until it kills you, of
course. But places like this do indeed age. Harder to motivate – think – desire
– care – wake. Not feeling happiness of previous delight. Geraldine and Lien
getting it on. Funny shit. There’s no reason he should not pursue – think he
will. Lil’ envious of his getting action. I really think the desirables have
dwindled. I thought I was really attracted to Nina – bit I keep fucking up in
her presence – being retarded, coded, easily misunderstood – it’s a defense
mechanism I bet. I don’t want to create a scenario where I could take a
romantic chance and possibly fail. We all went to Eastern to visit Jimmy – Nina
inspired the trip – ended up sleeping with my bud – in his room that is. What?!
Deconstructionist approach. Overall, hilarious trip. Man, I gotta start paying
attention to what I write. I just insinuated some serious shit that didn’t go
down. Jimmy Willy have us a place to stay. No one slept with each other. I was
thinking about not noticing making/making reference to my blunder, but at least
now it will be further misunderstood. Solve issue or make me look neurotic. The
ladies fetched costumes 4 the holiday on this eve. I was the victim of a nasty
joke last night. Behind my back Geraldine suggested I be either a girl, monkey
or one of the guys from Dumb and Dumber – either way it makes me feel gay,
dirty, wild or dumb. Play practices have been especially lame. Stupid fucking
one acts – no creative direction either. Lien and I pissed each other off about
a half dozen times in the last half week. Once enough to make me ditch out on
plans with him and the squirrels. There is no doubt I was acting silly, but to
scold viciously – grrrr, speaking of which, the brit demanded I stop with the
grrr’s because I sound like a dog. I am either gonna have to start evolving
with my interjections or stop talking to the brit. As always I joke – or am I
just considered one of them nerds is gonna read me secrets. Admit nothing –
fuck the Prez – sleep well.
November
5, 2002
Pickles are green because they’re sick. Bumpy with warts and
stew in their own juices – yet their loved.
I cannot deny the occasional crave. It’s weird – I use words today I
find to be semi-entertaining and fresh – watching Chasing Amy and learn that I
subconsciously steal. Carbon copy. How does one go about being original without
seeming the poser gay wad. Quick quandary – tell the truth to seem sensitive
and choosy or tell the truth to become further misunderstood and possibly
ostracized. Lie to seem hip and together or lie and deny they true self and
convictions. Looking forward to Colorado
for Thanksgiving. Thinks it should be nothing but fun. I think I don’t know
what I want and never will and will end up settling for a mediocre version of
myself – but then again I’m well aware the hand dealt kicks others ass. I would
say I have 2 pair. Two 3’s and two Jacks. Insecurity is amusing to reflect upon
– it makes you want to defeat it – but then apathy overwhelms all. How could I lack chichas for this period of
time surrounded by them. I choose the unattainable. Boyfriends my envied foes.
But do I dare challenege? Pff. I don’t ever want most of my so called friends
to see the play festival this weekend. Lien, Geraldine, Mike and Ian are the
only ones with official invites. Here’s the deal – I want Rebecca – but think
it might be rooted in the wrong things. I think she reminds me of my old self –
but for the most part I was a fairly negative fellow so why head back there?
Her charisma doesn’t hurt and her mysterious allure. She is certainly gorgeous
but I think I see things missed by most. I can’t deny being still attracted to
Nina. Platonic is an understated definition of our relationship in her mind –
but – but! I cannot help feel I get the vibe on occasion. I think she might
just have the Christal Karge overly-flirtatious gene though. I mean even Lien
has felt some alleged vibes. My dreams have reawakened something in me. I miss
steve – but appreciated Slumber
Town. I really don’t want
to be the gossip queen. I overdosed on nasal decongestant on Halloween. Poretto
might still view me as mean. Sunday morning so would have Lien. The quarrel we
had was quite the scene. He ran immediately to tell his Geraldine. Jimmy Willy
was here with Grand Theft Auto 4 and we drove with Lien, Geraldine and Nina
discussing who would be tastiest to eat.
Of course, Lien would be the Lienest meat.
November
7, 2002
So I take initiative and talk with my advisor today. If I
wanna be a tacher is gonna have to happen after I get my BA. There is no way it
can be done in the next year and a half. Realization – I write this during lame
periods of mi vida. I think Margaret might be visiting this weekend. I have the
play tomorrow. I’m such a freak cuz I don’t really want anyone to go. Why do I
TRY and ostracize myself. I got to start taking the chances with the chichas. I
honestly think supernatural forces sent me this girl that sait in front of me
in the waiting room today. She was wonderful. It’s not like I talked to her or
anything – but she was twirling her hair and just existing in a glorious way.
I’m not sure how I am going to pay for second semester yet. Think loans might
be out. Stagnation should be my tarot card of dominance. Death or the 10 of
swords – went out last night. Flirted with all them chicks, but gets me
nowhere. The Station(club) was jammed with hotties, but do I say a word to any
of them? I’m worried that I have more Pat in me than I would hope. I am cursed
and am beginning to get terribly frustrated. To think that I’m surviving on an
Amanda Gregor encounter from early August. This is bad news. Pretty soon its
gonna be December and I hear the same sitch I have lost a butt load of mass. I
haven’t weighed myself in months. Bet I’m not more than 160 now. April was at
the tech rehearsal tonight. She sat next to me like we were best friends. Did I
abandon said possibility to swiftly? Not sure. We got so fucking blazed when
she was here in September – I was gone and wasn’t completing full sentences properly.
Wow! Why do I write about such inane shit. I’m slowly losing my sanity. Lien
seems to get more and more smitten with Geraldine as his options dwindle. I
emphasize. Although not a days gone by where I’ve regretted turning down Amy.
God that would’ve been shitty. This English degree is so ridiculous of me to
hunt. I don’t want it! Especially for 34,000 dollars. What if I want to take
over the world or something? I can’t fathom the notion of Carlson dropping out.
It’s depressing. He had more potential that me potentially. Pain killers. I
think Lien might be fed up with my funk. But I did wake his ass up in a druken
stupor with Geraldine. Are us three socially struggled? I would argue that each
of us has some marvelous qualities – but perhaps flaws outnumber. I’m moody,
indecisive, A-sexual currently and unwilling to change. Many of these
characteristics apply to my buds too. Then again I don’t think functionality is
necessarily for me. Maybe despair is an artist’s life blood. Hemingway for
example was filthy drunk. I want peace of mind with the occasional A-Bombed
being tested to remind the grey matter of its fleeting placement. Phone rings
in unknown down room; begging the question who care to call whom at 1 am on a
lonely Thursday. Our phone lies dormant as per usual. Lien prompted the “lets
get an apt” thing today. Scary thought. Really don’t wanna stay here another
year. There are not my people. I feel like they’re all attempting to find some
semblance of the frat boy within. That is, with the exception of Geraldine and
Lien and if they start a serious relationship I might just vomit. They could be
making up or fucking right now. Like bunnies. I ache for the never-ending
dreamland where body remains and mind explores. Where aware or not its better
than here. Orange
shot.
December
4, 2002
Just when I get the courage! Nina and Geraldine concluded
their “wine night” festivities and decided to pay us a visit. Geraldine knew
our state immediately – I, of course, deny, only because Nina is present.
Geraldine then proceeds to call us boring and finally drags Lien out for a
smoke(Which happened over an hour ago, still no Lien) So Nina kisses me. Short
lived smoochin’ and off she was to write a paper. Well here I am an hour later
and I came up with ideas. Call her and tell her she looked gorgeous(which is
true) so sshe would know you care. – and actually think about her and would
have the courage to call her up and say such a thing. I got the answering
machine. Returned from Colorado
on Sunday. I hope someday I remember enough to write about. Lately I been
caught up in paper-writing. What I’m gonna end up doing for Xmas break and
Nina. I know I shouldn’t – but she is pretty adorable and all. Not sure what next semester will bring. I
would assume drama and Steve. Lien wants to be a salesman. Cooking for a few
good men.
December
7, 2002
I guess one could make the assumption that when journal
entries are closer to one another things are a lil itchy in me vida. Coming
down to the last 2 weeks of this semester. It certainly went faster than one
could expect. I think I’m mature enough to realize that existing as Joe is
about 1000 better than what most life forms, including my fellow species get to
endure. How is it that I never seem to be satisfied then. For fucks sake I’m
romantically inept. It seems Lien might be fucking about with Geraldine’s head.
I thought he severed ties on Tuesday, but she slumbered in his bunk ayer. This
is after a lengthy conversation with both of them acknowledging a finish was
best. Everyone in the world is hypocritical it seems. I myself am not immune to
this reality. Nina for one is horribly hypocritical of me – but does it make a
difference that I was flat out lying back during opportunity one. Lien kept talking this week about the absurdity
of interfloor goodness – but cannot stick by convictions. Geraldine gave me the
impression that my ability to smooch might be the alluring factor one and only.
Maybe. We were both drunk and my tendency to find “outs” could fuck me over in
this dept. I’m so very tired of thinking about someone I really am clueless
about internally. Enigmatic temptress. Comin to town with the briefcase blues.
I’m wrestling with the idea to work in Colorado
for Xmas break. I’m not too interested in chilling in the burbs. The brief time
I spent with the fam between arrival and departure from school was torturous.
I’m sick of all that is good, but still scared of what’s considered bad. I’m
like this thoughtless carefree prey. Just waiting for the final bow. Carlson’s
mom pisses me off for what she said last summer. But am I about to realize her
theory. I’m proud because I turned down shitty steve today. It was mildly
tough, but my wallet kissed me ass. Lil’ does he know I await genuinity. My
bellys been aching lately. I have a funny feeling it will go away tomorrow for
good or ill. This nights surprisingly tougher than I would have imagined.
Obsessive is an ugly quality I would never show in interaction, but my mind.
Ugh. He thinks for himself. I gots to start changing my ways or just accept
Pat’s destiny. That is truly scary though. I think I’d rather be jettisoned out
to space and have all orifices leak my viscera until I was no more. Empty
cavity. I am hungry for calm.
December
13, 2002
Talk about burning away a week. Attempted to be a businessman with Lien. It
of course fell apart. Some folks don’t know the difference between my friend
Steve in his rarest form and just when he’s his usual self. I hate to say it,
but I’ve been growing to dislike Lien more and more lately. He is inconsiderate, crude and likely
manic/depressive. I don’t even enjoy speaking with him anymore. He is always
negative. I’ve got the biggest urge to shake this lame ass place. I have zero
to do until next Thursday. Tengo dos examenes esta semana. No tengo miedo. I’m
debating on whether or not I should go see Umphreys McGee or goto Geraldines
Bday swaree which I was only recently informed about. I know she’ll be pissed
if I don’t go – but fuck that. Its not even her real B-Day today. I’m fed up
tailoring my schedule around her life. I am worried time spent in Colorado could have been
more enjoyed if it weren’t for the infiltration. One of many reasons I have a
hankering to get back there. Carlson and I could have tore things up. Another
juicy juice: If I stick around the burbs I will have Emily to deal with.
Bizarre. I haven’t thought about that bag of emotions for awhile. I hope
everything can be chill between us – if I’m around. So essentially the pros of
going = c Dawg, freedom, 24/7 access and it being a cool place to spend a
month. Cons = no graham, ninan, Emily and presents. I’ve been a total cooze
about Nina though. All but ignoring her. Why do I insist to hurt myself so. I’m
sure its defensively strategic, but then how much life am I missing out on.
According to my English grades I should be an English major. Speech com didn’t
work out the way I’d hoped. I’ll be lucky to get a B. Overall, discontent still
lingers about my vida, but cannot deny being happier than last year. I’m just
fed the fuck up w a lot of people and things here.
December
14, 2002
I guess this is a fairly significant entry. For the first
time, in my natural life, I have bared witness to a girl I care about – and
assumed reciprocated – lusting away with English Mike. I was shocked and
appalled to learn Nina was getting it on – after I didn’t go to an Umphreys
concert – specifically so I could chill with her. I feel embarrassed and
forlorn. I think this might be the worst I’ve even been hurt.
December
19, 2002
Well, you’ll be proud that days were not spent mopey and
sad. Instead, I decided to hop on a Greyhound destined for the burbs. Escape –
but only you know the real reason for shaking off this towns stink. I insisted
the trip was necessary to retrieve my car. Pish-posh. I wanted to be home away
from where I’d think too much about morose topics and people that honestly
don’t deserve my thought. So I bike to the bus depot @ 8:30 am to get on thet 9:05 am to Chicago
@ 12:45. I arrive – call
Margaret – picked up in the Ville and ushered to Naper Central’s speech
tournament. It was neato – for squares! I myself was thoroughly unimpressed
with the speech world. Too young now. I’m starting to wonder if Flem and V do
that because maybe they converse easiest with youngings. I don’t know. It just
seemed wrong to me this time round. Following this a handshake commenced with
Father. Worried the reasons it went down are more selfish than I’d like to
admit. But realism kicks in – So I chill with Pete and Sam that night. Chill
with Emily of all people on Sunday. She was fun to be with as usual – got my
mind off things cuz I realized I’ve done just as good if not better. But its
discouraging to think I cannot sustain. Emily always was a weird situation.
She’s bald now. Very chique. Long story short – emotions stirred and soul was
rejuvenated that night. The following 2 were spent with The Rach and Jimbo
Jones. I’m talking old school Hutchinson
style. It was actually a pleasant couple of evenings. Jimmy’s ex fiancé came
back in town and was causing trouble. Saw Bowling for Columbine and Two Towers.
Hooray and Boo respectively. I can’t help but admit pain lingers especially
with the encounters I try to avoid, but I think this might puzzle. I don’t
think people know I saw what I did. I don’t think anyone knows. I’ll letcha.

2001

March 16, 2001 Ok- I had the best dream in the history of all my dreams. What made it cool was that I really didn’t know it was a dream until the very end. Anywho, I dreampt that I went back 2 years ago with the knowledge I have now. It was really cool because I woke up in 1999 and slowly realized what year I was in. I started remembering stuff that was going on in my life. Of course Daniels and Graham were in it. However, the best part of the dream was my desperate attempt to impress and spend time with Wendy. I remember the point in the dream where I though to myself “Oh shit, two years ago at this time I was with Wendy” Needless to say I tried to make it work out in the dream. My dreams have rocked lately. 2 nights ago I dreamed about this other chick Susan I think is hot. Quality dreams too- memorable. I helped cast the spring play at North last night. “The Foreigner” – Peter Cahill and Garrett Baruch have the best parts. It should be a good play. END TRANSMISSION. April 1, 2001 Hasn’t been long and no fabulous dreams but I just wanted to vent- I started my 3rd quarter at COD last Monday- the classes actually seem ok- its just my pointless existence that’s got me down- I know years from now when I read this ill mentally say “dude you are such a tool” but screw you! (me) Life does blow right now. I feel like im stuck in this mindless cavern of selp pity. I watch interview with the vampire over and over again – many times stoned. I’ll admit to smoking the shibby on more than one occasion- therer is seriously nothing better to do! I think Eileen is getting wise to it – but she is in denial. Now their(Eil and Pat’s) life really scares me-truly wasted time. But back to me. The girl situation blows! No prospectives at COD – its too hard to make a relationship when I live here! Maybe if I get an apt. peter cahill and Jeremy Shapiro were over last nigh- we, of course, got shibbyed. One thing I noticed is that shibby really opened my mind. However, as a result nothing seems important to me anymore. I live a mother fucking lame life for a 19 year old. Speaking of which-my B-Day passed – Big whoop! I spent it in Virginia. It was Okay. I obviously don’t fit in with my family anymore. I’m too fucking wack. Get sudden energy surges that cause me to abuse or annoy others, mostly Eileen. I might be crazy…I’m lately enthralled with vampire mythology. I think im going to write a research paper on it. as for wendy – I notice yearning for her comes periodically- like as of now, I could give two shits. I have become nearly emotionless. All I care about is immediate happiness. Future means jack squat right now. Which is bad! I gotta get ahold of my shit. I mean grades are good, but life isn’t. anywho, no matter how old or where or when I read this entry – watch interview with the vampire. It is sweet as hell. April 22, 2001 Alright sir. Listen to this crazy shit! These journal entries seem a lil’ repetitious, hence I will add more to the repetition…My parents are probably moving back to the Chicago area! Put a motha fuckin fork in me because I’m done! What the hell! They are probably moving to Naperville. So there goes UVA. I don’t know what to think about this at all. I find out if I got into UVA this week. I doubt I did. I know I didn’t. I’m so angry. I don’t know what at, but I am! Grrrrrrr!!! June 6, 2001 Wow! A month, not too long a break. Anywho, something funny happened tonight and I want to remember it forever. There was the limo that me and Carlson followed and when it eventually parked we went to the driver who was alone and asked how much it would be to drive around for an hour. Whats funny about it is that the driver didn’t think we were weird and almost jumped at the opportunity to converse with people. He told us about trips he made and how he used to drive Walter Payton. He talked our ears off for an hour and a half! We didn’t say a damn thing, he just talked and talked. And mind you, this is at midnight on Ogden Ave! Messed up, but it was funny. June 10, 2001 Ok dude. I quit my job at Outback Steakhouse today. I really didn’t like working there and they kept putting me in bad stations. So I said I was done and walked out. My Dad is, of course, mad, but I don’t give a shit. It’s my decision. Maybe I’ll get a job at the Weber Grill. Who knows. July 27, 2001 A lot has happened. To begin with, I am not living in wheaton anymore. The fam moved back and I am living with them in Naperville-grrr. Ok, here is the better news. I made it into the University of Virginia…but I don’t think I am going. Why-because I tried out for a reality show and got called back! Actually, I have made it to the Semi-Finals!!! The show seems like it is agoing to be like Road Rules. It is called Lost in the USA. I really hope I make it! As for the lady sitch, I am back to Emily…Not like officially, but we’ve been getting it on lately…Whatever. I do live her, but its Em-enough said. Hopefully, the show will happen and I’ll get an apartment with Carlson(Ryan). Tonight I went to a concert with Graham it was a decent concert. Goldfinger and Reel Big Fish. Fo’ Real!-new phrase. August 6, 2001 I looked for this today for some reason. Looking for therapy I guess. Here it is: I feel emptier here, like I’m not living. Almost worse than Eileens…maybe. Im not sure, but either way it blows. I need something different, but different is an extreme. An apartment with Carlson would be wack. Yet, maybe I need a wake up call like that. I really hope this television thing happens. I’m so nervous about it that I have been “partaking in festivities” more often. August 13, 2001 *significant entry Ok dude. Something that I think about every time I open this book is how different my handwriting looks in each one of these entries. Which is really mine? Tell me – cuz I don’t know. Fo’ Real. I don’t think I have ever stuck w/a handwriting that was personal to me. Where people would recognize it. Anyway, back to what I wanted to write about to begin with. I wanted to write about how I was trying to figure out what to do. By the way – it is 3:18 AM. But I am wide awake. SHIBBY. I was going to watch TV or eat, but instead I all the sudden wanted to do something creative-like. I was going to write a story, or start one at least or maybe even draw or write poetry; btw, I wrote Emily poetry. I’m almost embarrassed writing about this- but I think that in 5 or 6 years down the road it might be pretty funny. Oh yeah- I wanna make a pact we stay together until the end now. I know this was sorta implied. But I want to make it official. Until one of us meets our end, I’ll keep you with me. Fo’ real. I wonder if this sounds like the stuff I wrote when I was 8? Think about if this has been a pretty significant entry. I think I’m going to mark the top – so I’ll know to read this one a lot. I was just thinking to myself what an unfun word “entry” is. I don’t like writing or saying it. I’m wasting the shibby on you. I am going to be more brief with what I am going to say. – applied for a job at Family Video – fight with parents(hard living in the house) – saw American Pie 2 (funny at times) – Em gets back tomorrow(I’ll give details) Friends all leaving. Grrrr. Mentioned getting an apartment to Dad – made it sound harder to do. – watched Spanish video that almost made it so I couldn’t give the graduation speech to my entire graduating class. –Overall, sleepy with a sprinkle of ambition-over-saturated with apprehension. I E HAT YOU. It’s too hard to live normal anymore. Im not suicidal at all, but I know that change is needed and soon! I don’t think this house really wants me here – which is understandable because I don’t know if I want to be here either. I wonder if it is weird that I write in this thing at all. Oh my good dude my intelligence has been affected. I am becoming more stupid. To be honest – I don’t really feel I’ve learned anything for years now. Maybe 3 total. I copied so much in high school, I should be ashamed . but I’m not – I have become a lot more immoral. Emily and my relationship has strengthened. We had a pretty big fight – started by yours truly. But I apologized the same night. The bad part is she is in Oregon and she’s only going to be back for a couple days. We’ve agreed that priority one is becoming blood brothers. August 21, 2001 Well, I have been avoiding you. The show called yesterday- the show was cancelled. So, I made it as far as I could, but it fell through anyway(such is my life) Emily is officially gone, Graham leaves tomorrow. I am having trouble dealing with all these people being gone. I am going to have to make new friends I guess. I really hope Carlson stays around. Otherwise, shit I ain’t got nothing to do. Partook in festivities tonight. So forgive the briefness. Lil’ depressed still. August 26, 2001 No show. No UVA. And now to top it off…yup, you guessed it – NO CARLSON. What’s funny is that I remember discussing with him what the best and worst scenario for Fall was going to be. Of course mine turned out to be worst fucking scenario known to mankind. My mind has been hurting a lot lately. A lot. I have nothing to look forward to. I know I bitch a lot, but shit. I got some stuff to bitch about. I just got back from dropping off Rus at Grinnell. My god-do I feel robbed of a normal college life. And now Carlson of all people get to go back to Bradley all because I let him use my vampire research paper for his history term paper. I can’t believe the mofo got a B in the class. I start tomorrow at Family Video-suck my ass! Despair- this is what I am consumed with. I found myself cutting the grass today because I had nothing else to do! That’s some wack shit. I have to drop my Volleyball class now too because I’m not taking that alone. To be honest, I dislike existence right now. I hope things shape up cuz the ways things are going…I’m considering the armed forces. SHISNOT! I have been brought to that-to stop boredom! I have finally realized that, YES, it is worth waking up in the morning so one is not bored shitless. Oh yeah, if anyone other than me is reading this FUCK YOU! Unless its like 2012 and its like my wife or some shit. August 26, 2001 Part 2 Ok dude. Never before have I felt as horrible as I do today. Anguish-mental anguish is causing my body to physically ache as well. I’m so mad, but I don’t know at what. I guess mostly at myself. I want people to be like me, but I don’t necessarily know if I like myself. I mean, I like facets of me, but overall I’ve been leaning toward dislike. I began crying to myself a couple minutes ago- I am just so damn sorry for me. Why must we have these crazy hormones. I told my mom just now I wanted her to set up an appt. for me with a therapist. I’m just so fucking angry about nothing and I think I need to vent. And if there is no friends around then I need to talk to someone. I don’t start school in forever- and even that’s going to blow. I got a bunch of classes Carlson wanted to take- and now he is not even going to be here. I guess today was just a point where I said to myself “being weird is one thing, but being depressed is something else.” What’s funny is that I didn’t feel I needed the therapy when I was making others unhappy- but now that I am making myself unhappy…get the hose. August 27, 2001 I felt considerably better today. Not nearly as much drama. So listen to this. I wake up so I can make it to Family Video on time. I drive there, get out of my car, talk to the manager and suddenly realize I didn’t read the manual I was supposed to. So I tell the manager that I left my stuff at the pool(Maple Hill) across the st. So he lets me drive to get it, but instead- I drive home. No explanations. I guess that makes me kinda flaky. Oh well – I didn’t want to work there. August 28, 2001 Today I was really thinking about becoming a psychiatrist. I think I would really enjoy that job. Make my own hours and listen to people bitch! I know I could do it, it’s a matter of ambition. I am going to DGN tomorrow to meet w/Flem, V and the capn’s. It should be interesting. August 30, 2001 Just a thought, I was over at Jimmy Hutchinsons house “chillin” and I thought I am like Jimmy’s Paul Pfiffer from the Wonder Years. Im the friend with allergies who is smart. Hmmm… Jimmy is my Kevin Arnold…maybe. September 1, 2001 I went to a concert tonight A blue grass rock band called Leftover Salmon. It was pretty fun, but not fun enough to actually make a journal entry about. So – now you know I am going to be talking about something else. I got stood up tonight for the first time. Durkin was supposed to pick me up awhile ago to goto a party and he never showed. I cannot believe it. Being stood up blows! This is not the right time for shit like this to happen either. I found out Carlson is not coming back for the weekend like he was supposed to. That dick told me he was going to be back today, but he never came home. And I talked to his bro online who said he is only coming home to pick up some shit, then he is leaving again. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I hung out with that asshole all summer and now he returns my kindness with a bitch smack. I have just learned a lesson. REMEMBER IT! Real friends are few and far between. I don’t appreciate Peter enough. He is truly a great friend. Fuck Carlson. I’m pissed off that he made me this pissed off at him. I have to do something with my time, more appropriately my life. September 2, 2001 Weird thing happened last night. I dreampt. I have not dreamed in a long time, but last night I did. I didn’t shibby at all yesterday so I am thinking that’s probably the reason. They were bad dreams though. One involved Dr. Benewicz from North forbidding me from getting into an amusement park. They were really dark dreams that involved a lot of yelling. I wonder if shibby has been perverting fun in my sleeping heads. September 11, 2001 9-11 Alright, never before have I experience what has transpired today. Terrorists hijacked 4 airplanes- crashed 2 in the word trade building-destroying both towers completely. They New York skyline forever changed. Crashed another plane into the pentagon- killing many. And finally, crashing the fourth in Pennsylvania. My country has been attacked. I must be honest, I wanted to join the cause and enlist. However, it is an enemy that we don’t know. We think it is Bin Laden- a middle eastern radical. I cannot comprehend what happened today. We speculate near 10,000 dead from the world trade buildings-ALONE. We have been attacked and I don’t know what to think. My country. This tragedy is affecting all. Gas prices have sky rocketed. It is 4.00 in Peroria. I’m numb, but boy do I care. The visuals of the plane crashing were shown. Visuals of men jumping out of the burning building were shown. We’re not safe. Life truly is a fragile gift. IT DOESN”T FEEL REAL. September 12, 2001 Life seems more valuable. Not only do I notice this fabulous change in me, but also almost everyone I encountered today. There was an unspoken “knowing” between everyone I talked to. We even seemed to value each others life to a level that seemed comparable to my own. V, Flem, Mom, Dad, Margie, Dustin, Garrett, the bookstore lady, blockbuster on 75th clerk, Josh and yes even Nora. Instant messaging Graham on AOL made me grateful. Toward what and why I don’t know, but I was damn grateful. AE-SAE-SHI-MO. Don’t know why, but felt like making a list of songs and there significance to me memory-wise. Guess I just want you to remember things- Steal my Sunshine by Len- Carlson and me, shibby and go directly to steak and shake for strawberry shake. Kiss me by Six Pence None the Richer – Wendy and my song. When You’re Strange by Doors – Spanish Video from Senior Year. We Aint Gonna Take It by Twister Sister. Riding with him to the Amc in the party wagon. We Ain’t Going Nowhere by P Diddy – being bored out of my gord dancing naked to it in the house. Shakedown St by the Dead – supposedly represents my personality according to Carlson. September 18, 2001 I had a dream last night that was surprisingly sexual in nature. As I have mentioned before, this is highly unusual nocturnal adventuring. The strange thing was Wendy had infiltrated the dream. She was one of 3 girls I had intended to get it on with in my dream. I find this odd because I hadn’t really thought about her much lately and now she had re-dominated my mind. I know I will eventually see her this tear and I both anticipate and fear this encounter. If I were ever to have a “the one that got away: its her. I find it interesting what a significant impact she had on me. I didn’t even know her that long. September 19, 2001 Listen to this whacked out shiznot. Refer to my previous entry-guess who emailed me 7 times today!? Wendy-but they were non-sense. It said, ON ALL, Hey-How are you-I sent you this for advice-see you soon- thanks. What is that shit about. And attached to every email was like some messed up homework assignment she did. She even sent me a bibliography. I am completely baffled by this. Truly. And I think the timing for it is creepy as hell. I’ll try and get to the bottom of it. September 23, 2001 Just got back from Bradley-visited Carlson. I know, I know….he is an ass, but he is fun to chill with. I did have a really fun-ass time though. It was hilarious cuz the guys Carlson lives with don’t really like him. They call him the hippy and tease him a lot. I have Xtra special Xciting evenings there. School started, I dropped 2 of the 3-but picked up 2 more classes-so back to normal. We’ll see how things go. September 24, 2001 Listen to this horseshit. I come here from school today to find a new bed set in my room. This means my fucking nosey ass mother was in herefucking around with things. I know what is really up. Parents use acts of kindness and generosity as a disguise. How dare she come into my room. Not to mention the only reason she bought it was because she was embarrassed of my bed the way I want it. I would have had no beef if she left it outside my door. But No! She has to put it all on. Fuck that. I told her I didn’t want it. Go me. October 11, 2001 Obviously things have been better since I haven’t written for awhile. Ironically its been since the day Buffy started on FX. I have over 15 episodes on tape now-Yay. Coaching has been kinda tough. I have a lot of kids that I gotta help. Oh yeah, I want to mention 2 cool nature moments. The first was about a month ago when I was diving one night and saw an owl swoop down and snag something. The other was seeing a fox in broad daylight rolling around in a field by COD. It was sweet. November 2, 2001 Ok dude. I’ve been keeping bust. This is healthy, which is good. The festivities have a way of passing the time. That and the Grateful Dead, Oh and Buffy of course. I been watching a buttload of that. It’s on twice a day all of Nov. and I don’t remember the episodes well-so it’ great. Our schools tournament is tomorrow. Miss V is wack- but that expected. I think she likes me only because I know who she really is-and I am not running. That’s the same way she probably is with Flem. I’ve been thinking about life a lot, as usual. Philosophy helps too. But anyway, I was wondering if my life was a movie, would anyone want to watch it? I’m not sure-I definitely think it’s different, but not a good different. I don’t know if others and even myself looks at me seeing a.) a socially handicap doofus b,) a distant but handsome devil. Anywho, don’t wanna fill the bottle with too much ice. Oh dude! I just lent a movie to Margaret and her fucking gorgeous friend from Virginia. I mean Damn! She looks like Natalie Portman! Hotchi Matchi November 7, 2001 The tournament was crazy, but who care about that. I want to talk about how much I look at myself in the mirror. Im so fucking self conscious it’s embarrassing. I think I keep looking because I hope its gonna change. I don’t know if I am dissatisfied with my looks or my personality or both. I live everyday now just to go and partake and watch reruns of Buffy I tape on FX. For gods sake Im drunk right now. How terrible is that. Life is too hard. But I’ll deal. I’m good at dealing. November 8. 2001 I just sorta realized what a damn good friend Ryan Tinsley was. He was loyal and funny and well, understood me. I haven’t really missed him since he has gone to the coast guard until now. He was a good fucking guy. I hope he is ok in the Coard guard, especially with the whole war thing going on. Thanksgiving is coming up so the peeps will be back at least for a weekend. My philosophy teacher thinks I am really smart, which is cool, but I hate when people expect a lot of me. She wants me to be in honors class. COD is not the place to be. Oh yeah and I found out that the Real World that I am contending for is going to be in Las Vegas. Sweet. November 26, 2001 Holy fucking shit! I want to snatch up this book for the exact same reason I did last entry. I had completely forgotten that I wrote about Tinsley, but obviously I did. I’m a lil wacked out right now cuz I don’t know if I actually did write this, or if someone is playing a trick on me. Thanksgiving weekend was pretty fucking fun. Carlson, me, Graham and Steve had a plenty of fun downtown. Im about to chill with Steve and watch the sopranos season 2, ep 12. Good fucking show! No buffy, but still stellar! Buffy infatuation seems to be waning a bit. Time will tell! December 1, 2001 What is so very depressing is that the next time I read this. Im going to be older. Its going a lot faster now-life that is. I’m not sure how I feel about anything anymore. I’m damn apathetic! My mom is having her annual xmas party here tonight. I wasn’t and we headed into the party and then in the background a terrible ska band. And then I saw her standing there with green eyes and long blond hair. But that night. I leaned some girls try to hard. Hey, do you remember the time you brought a bottle of lemon schnapps to a speech overnight-Go you! That’s ballsy. It seems you used to have passion in the things you did-Now you just do things to do them. Its weird being a fucking coach of speech now. I know I’ve only been out of high school for 2 years-but boy does it seem longer! I feel like I have the mental capacity of a 15 yr old! For example, I should invite this chick Amy over-She’s in my philosophy class and is pretty hot-and sending out signals-I just have not balls! I’d rather get drunk and watch Buffy-SAD! Also remember the time Pete brough weed to state-Flem knew we were high at the Denny’s-Go Flem. I’m old-You’re older. Sorry. And I really am. December 4, 2001 There is something severely wrong with Ryan Carlson. That kid is seriously the biggest dickhead I have ever known. I don’t know why I stay friends with him. I shouldn’t. He offers nothing to my life, except pot. He’s not funny, or cool, or smart-Just a dickhead. He likes to play these power games with me-its fucking ridiculous. I was supposed to stay at his frat house Thursday-but all of the sudden I can’t because of some bullshit ceremony-guarantee he is exaggerating or some shit. The kid likes conflict-Dickhead is the best word to describe him. Big Fat Dichead. He’s fucking friendless too. Surprise surprise. December 25. 2001 Well its Christmas. As if that means jack shit to me. We just opened our gifts from Santa. Disappointing as usual. I think I got a total of 1 thing I actually wanted. I will be taking back 75% of all the I received, I swear we got 33% less presents this year-the year my parents scored 50,000 from selling grandpas house. Bull shit. That’s all I got too; bull shit. I think I got less than the girls too. How much does that suck. I know in the grand scheme of things it don’t matter, but it bothers me now. I can’t wait for my pay check to buy myself good stuff. Ba-Humbog-at least today. December 26, 2001 Things sorted themselves out pertaining to xmas. I got so caught up in that I forgot to mention mtv calling AGAIN. They wanted more pictures of me and then 2 days after I sent the pics one of the casting peeps called and asked where I was going to be between January 7-11…I don’t know why, that’s all they asked. My sisters prophesize the casting special. Anywho, its pretty exciting. Plus-I’m not a complete geek cuz I got some serious action on the 23rd.. Enough said. BTW-Royal Tenenbaums is the best movie of 2001

2000

July 22, 2000 HELLO SUNSHINE! ANOTHER YEAR- ANOTHER SET OF STORIES. TO BEGIN WITH I YAM NO LONGER A STUDENT AT LOVELY DOWNERS GROVE NORTH. I GRADAMAKATED AND GOT TO GIVE THE COMMENCEMENT SPEECH. MY FAMILY HAS MOVED AWAY TO VIRGINIA LEAVING ME BEHIND TO FEND FOR MYSELF….WELL WITH THE HELP OF EILEEN AND PAT. I’M LIVING IN GRANDPA’S OLD ROOM(B.T.W GRAMPSPASSED AWAY SUMMER ’99) I HAVENT HAD OFFICIAL GIRLFRIENDS LATELY. I HAVE BEEN ALL ABOUT SWEET R.A(random action) HOWEVER, THERE HAS BEEN A STRANGE ROMANCE DEVELOPMENT. EMILY KASCINEZ AND I HAVE BEEN ‘HANGING OUT” A LOT MORE. OBVIOUSLY OUT MUTUAL FRIEND GRAHAM ISN’T DEALING WELL – WHAT CAN YA DO?! ANYWAY SHE IS A VERY THOUGHFUL KISSER. THIS IS ALWAYS LINGERING AND THEN A PEACEFUL CONTACT. NO AGRESSION WHATSOEVER- UNLIKE THIS ONE CHICK GINA I MADE OUT WITH AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SUMMER- SHE PRACTICALLY SWALLOWED MY HEAD. BELIEVE IT OR NOT I HAD ANOTHER BRIEF RELATIONSHIP WITH A FELLOW SPEECHER FROM NAPERVILLE CENTRAL(RICH AS HELL!) SHE WAS ALMOST TOO SWEET…GROSS. I MUST CONFESS IM LIVIN IN LUXURY OVER HERE AT EIL’S WITH SATELLITE TV AND A DVD PLAYER. I’LL BE GOING TO C.O.D NEXT YEAR. I DON’T MIND TOO MUCH. MY DAD WANTS ME TO EVENTUALLY GO DOWN TO VA, but WE’LL SEE. I HAVE BEEN OFFERED THE OPPORTUNITY TO HELP COACH AT DGN FOR SPEECH. THAT WILL BE FUN. THE ONLY SNAG IS THAT I WANNA DO SPEECH AT COLLEGE. IM DONE. KISSES AND HUGS. November 18, 2000 ALRIGHT SIR! WELL I’M OFFICIALLY A COLLEGE BOY. SO FAR I’VE BEEN IN THE PLAY “LARGO DESOLATO” AND HAVE ALSO JOINED THE SPEECH TEAM. TODAY WAS MY FIRST TOURNAMENT – I TIED FOR 5TH PLACE IN D.I – THERE IS NO H.I. I REALLY MISS MY OLD LIFE! SO MUCH! EIL AND PAT ARE GREAT, BUT I MISS DOWNERS GROVE BEYOND BELIEF. I HAVE ALSO BEEN COACHING AT THE HIGH SCHOOL. IT’S PRETTY FUN – THE DDA I COACH FOT 5TH AT A VARSITY TOURNEY. YIPPY! TO BE HONEST WITH YA, I REALLY HAVE BEEN MISSING WENDY LINDEMEYET. GRAHAM JUDGED AT THE HIGH SCHOOL TOURNEY TODAY AND MENTIONED THAT HE SAW HER. FOR SOME REASON WHEN IM REMINDED OF HER – I CAN’T GET HER OUTTA MY MIND. GRAHAM SAID SHE WAS LOOKING EXTRA HOT TOO! MY PARENTS ARE IN THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY. IT’S WEIRD , AFTER NOT SEEING THEM FOR 5 MONTHS. MARGARET AND NORA LOOK A LOT OLDER. MY HAIR IS GETTING LONGER. ITS PAST THE SHAG STAGE AND ITS ACTUALLY HAVING SOME FORM. THE UNITS SAY I LOOK SO DIFFERENT. PLUS NUMEROUS TIMES IN PAST WEEKS RANDOM PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME I LOOK LIKE OWEN WILSON FROM MEET THE PARENTS(WHICH WAS HILARIOUS) I GUESS ONE ADVENTURE WORTH MENTIONING IS THAT ME AND CHRIS DURKIN AND SOME OTHER KIDS, A COUPLE WEEKS AGO KINDA BROKE INTO AN ABANDONED MONASTERY IN GLEN ELLYN. IT WAS KINDA SPOOKY AND HALF TORN DOWN BUT IT WAS FUN. THERE IS ONE KID IN MY PLAY WORTH MENTIONING. CHRIST PAGNOZZI IS MY FELLOW PARTNER IN THE PLAY – HE’S HILARIOUS. HE WANTS TO MAKE IT ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE – I THINK HE’S GOT A CHANCE. AS THINGS ARE, I REALLY DON’T SEE MYSELF MOVING TO VIRGINIA. ITS NOT FOR ME. I HAVE TOO MANY TIES HERE. I HAVE BEEN SORTA DEPRESSED LATELY, PROBABLY BECAUSE OF THE LIVING SITUATION. I REALLY MISS DOWNERS GROVE. I NEED TO GO AWAY TO COLLEGE. December 4, 2000 OK- I HAVE FINALLY REALIZED WHAT THIS DIARY IS FOR. NOT TO WRITE EVERY TWO YEARS THAT I’M STILL ALIVE, BUT TO DOCUMENT SIGNIFICANT MOMENTS IN MY LIFE. SADLY, I THINK I’VE FORGOTTEN MANY, BUT I WAS RECENTLY REMINDED OF TWO. JUNIOR YEAR THE PERFORMANCE IN THE ROUND I WAS IN FOR SPEECH TEAM GOT 1ST PLACE AT SECTIONALS. WE EVEN BEAT OUR ARCH-RIVAL DOWNERS SOUTH. I REMEMBER I ACTUALLY CRIED I WAS SO EXCITED. ANOTHER SPECTACULAR MOMENT WAS MARCH OF MY SENIOR YEAR WHEN WE GOT 3RD AT THE SECTIONALS IN GROUP INTERP. WE MADE IT TO STATE. I CAN HONESTLY SAY I PLAYED MY MOST FAVORITE CHARACTER DURING IT. MARK, FROM “REMOVING THE GLOVE” FINALLY I THOUGHT I’D MENTION A NEW HIGH LIGHT AS YOU KNOW I COACH SPEECH AT DGN, BUT THIS PAST WEEKEND, THE KID I COACHED IN ORIGINAL COMEDY RECEIVED 1ST PLACE. THE ENTIRE TEAM AND MYSELF WERE STUNNED. LITTLE GARRET BARUCH WON OC. IT WAS THE MOST SELFLESS HAPPINESS I EVER FELT. March 14, 2000 OK! Listen to this shit. At the State Tournament a couple weeks ago, Mr. Graham fucking sexually abused me. He tried to stick his hand down my pants! What’s that about?! Needless to say I’m not talking to him anymore and he resigned from DGN. It’s spring break now. IO’ve had some fun, Graham’s in town. My air is short again- really short. I’m helping Mrs. Carlson cast the spring play- its fun as hell. Pretty soon I’ll find out if I made it into UVA or James Madison University. I’m keeping ye olde fingers crossed. I got an A+ on a horror story I wrote for English! My teacher said it should be published. I saw Wendy at one of the tournaments I judged at- She was hot. Boy am I kicking myself. Anywho, I think I’m finally over her- so long as I don’t see her again. I’m going down to visit VA this week. Grrr. Anywho, Peace out.

1999

June 26, 1999 Well then it appears we skipped 2 years since out last installment. First off I’m gonna be a senior. Shit that’s weird. The last time I wrote I was talking about Freshmen year. First off I got a part in most of the plays at school up to now. My best part were through Miss. Vogelsinger my speech and drama teacher. She’s just about the coolest adult I know. Anyway, I’m the captain of the Speech team 2 years now. It’s great, I love it. Speaking of love, I can finally take myself off the loser rostrum. I’ve had a couple girlfriends now. One from South, Wendy Lindemeyer. I really liked her, but then she got all intense and it stopped being worth it. I think I still care for her probably because she was my first true girlfriend. It occurred mid-junior year. After her came a fellow actress Betsy Colburn. She played opposite of me in Moliere’s “The Miser.” She was too much of a ditz so I finished that one quick. That pretty much brings us here. But now that I’ve had a little experience I’m always on the lookout. During the school year speech is my life. I love it. It makes me sick every time I perform, but I still love it. I got 5th place at the sectional meet for my Humerous Interpretatio, Nancy Beverly’s “Attack of the Moral Fuzzies.” I just got back from Florida for 2 weeks with Uncle Pat and my buddy Graham Baruch. A good time was had. I’m working at Hollywood Video…pay sucks, but oh well.

1998

Monday January 5, 1998 Well I just got off Christmas break. It was fun I suppose. I went to some parties. I have a lot of new friends this year. I was in the Fall play My Emperors New Clothes. It was really fun. I got a leadI was the villain, Screech. All the drama kids have really taken a liking to me. Im in speech Team and doing pretty good. My classes are very hard as I expected I don’t enjoy my classes at all, they are dull. I applied for a job at Hollywood video. Im still 15 which makes me wonder if I’ll get the job. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is awesome. Sarah Michelle Gellar rocks. I suppose you could say I have a pretty big crush on the TV and movie star. At school not many of the girls interest me. Kinda Bland, I’m hopin for some spice ext semester in my new classes. I got a AIWA stereo system, Goldeneye for the N64, the Die Hard trilogy, Scream, Usual Suspects, $60 worth of gift certificates for X-mas. My new good friend is Graham Baruch, he’s real nice most of the time. I just want to get through midterms the I’ll be super-happy! Sunday February 1, 1998 Well I got through mid-terms. I did decent. 3.6 average on semester one, as I said “decent.” I got Jessica Hoskins in my drivers ed. Class, shes got to be the most attractive girl in my grade, almost perfect! She ranks up there with Buffy. I got asked to the turnabout dance . DOH! Kelly McCutcheon asked me, I don’t wanna go at all! It’s the same weekend as state for speech team, and would be fun. I went to Emily Kascinezs surprise B-Day party Friday night, it stunk. It was all the jackass’ from my grade. Regionals for speech is this weekend I really wanna win! I bought waverace for the N64 today, I might regret it but Oh well. Im listening to the Spice Girls right now. I had coffee with Julie Duprey today at the Starbucks reminiscing about elementary school. Bye Bye for now. I wanna talk baby talk again like Adam Fierle. Wednesday March 25, 1998 Today was my Sour Sixteenth Birthday. In the history of my B-Days this one takes the cake at being the worst. First of all, It STUNK in every way possible not to mention having to stay at school from 8 am to 10 pm because of speech team. And then my mom thinks cleaning my room will help it out. ITS TO BAD THE ROOM WAS LAREADY CLEAN. She had to do like nothing. Then I got in a squabble with Christal, whom I adore. Yet I received no gifts. Overall it was really bad. Im rambling so Ill stop. Bye. Wednesday April 15, 1998 We just finished up another moving tease. We were very close to moving to St. Charles and today I found out we aren’t. THANK GOD! My friends are great and I’ve established a reputation at North. I went to a new movie theater over spring break. The AMC 30. It’s beautiful. I’ve seen 7 movies there in 2 weeks! I won an award for G.I for speech team. I was the only one to win an award. I am thinking about where to get a job for the summer. I’ll get back to ya. Tuesday June 16, 1998 Its finally summer! Im going to be a Junior next year! Wow I don’t feel that old at all. I’m probably getting that job at Hollywood video afterall. I worked at Hines Lumber for about 2 days but it was too tough and the pay sucked so I quit. So far this summers been kinda blah- I haven’t done anything that fun. We were supposed to go to great America today but it was postponed because a couple of my friends couldn’t make it. We’ll probably go the beginning of July. I gotta say that this year was probably the best year I’ve had so far. I’ve established real friends. I’m in a more permanent fight with Christal, she’s being retarded. I’m hoping we put on Robin Hood next year for the Fall play.

1997

January 1, 1997 Dang! Its been awhile. Sup? We have entered winter in the windy city! I hate the cold. Christmas just past. I got a 20 inch TV, Nintendo 64, Mario 64, and a bunch of other stuff I took BACK. It was a pretty good X-MAS . For 96 Im trying to put over a new leaf by acting nice and accepting people. Its definitely gonna be hard. X-MAS vacation is coming to a close. I dread going back to school! FINALS ARE COMIN. I also have a speech and monologue to memorize. I need to make more friends. I have so few. Jimmys dad is on the verge of death. I feel so bad. Mr. Hutchinson was so nice. All my friends have girl-friends, but I don’t want one, yet. Maybe next year. February 22, 1997 Sup? Well I did great on Finals. A on all, except Geometry which I got a B on. In acting I was the only one in all my teachers classes who got 100% on their monologue. I’ve decided once again to disregard Alan as a friend, he is nothing but trouble. Tryouts for the Spring play are March 18-19. I’ll be there! Mr Birthdays comin up. I want a VCR, Hard drive, portable CD player and other miscellaneous things. Thursday June 12, 1997: Age 15 Jes! Haven’t written in this sucker, like, in a real long time. In High school now. Finished Freshmen year. Boy was it long. I made some new friends but nothing great. I was in both the plays for the school. The Phatom Tollbooth – bad part. Bang the drum slowly – good part. It was fun. Im into music now. Alternative rock! Wallflowers, Verve Pipe, Bush, Beck etc We might move again. Yippy. We’ll see. Jimmy Hutchinson and Jon Curran are my best friends. A pretty attractive girl had a crush upon me this year. Though I turned her down. I don’t know how to go on dates and crap. I’ve never done it yet. I still think I’m too young. I WANNA MOVE. Im on these pills to get rid of my zits for good, but there is bad side effects. Sunday August 16, 1997 Oh man! I got only 11 more days till Sophomore year. Im a touch nervous. HARD CLASSES! –Chemistry, Advanced Algebra, English HONORS II, US History HONORS, Spanish and Drivers Ed. Im GOING TO GREAT AMERICA WITH ALAN, JIMMY, AND KEVIN IN A WEEK FOR 2 DAYS-THAT SHOULD BE LOTTO FUN-THIS IS THE YEAR I GET A FEMALE FRIEND I BET – BUT THEN AGAIN I AINT A BETTING MAN. THE PILLS IM TAKIN REALLY WORK. I ALSO GOT COOL CLOTHES FOR SCHOOL THIS YEAR BUT I STILL HAVE TO ALTERNATE WITH LAST YEARS CLOHES I SAW A GOOD MOVIE TODAY – EVENT HORIZON – SAW IT WITH JIMMY. JUST GOT BACK FROM THE DELLS WITH THE KANES YESTERDAY. HEY! – MY MOM HAS KINDA MADE UP WITH HER FAMILY. I WENT TO THE MALL WITH BRIAN ONE DAY IN JULY. I WENT ON A 2 WEEK TRIP CAMPING WITH JIMMY IN JULY.

1996

May 18, 1996 Wow, practically a years gone by. I’m in 8th grade Now almost out of it. Something like 13 more days. YippY! Well anyways I see that girl Christa that was talked about in the previous entry everyday at school, but we ignore each other. I still find her quite attractive though. It doesn’t matter though because we MIGHT be movin to Atlanta Georgia. I want to, but you know, Jon Currans a moron, Jimmy’s still real nice. Alan’s his same old self. I’ve made a couple of new friends like Paul Black, Conor Donoghue, Matt Cihon, and Sean Rios. Still don’t have a girlfriend, but I say who needs them, they’ll just waste my money. Saw TWISTER the movie last week at the theaters. Two thumbs up. I might be caddying at Butler International this year. I hope so. This summers going to stink I got nothing to do. I’m goin to great America June 5th with my school. We just got back from a familytrip to Florida with the Kanes. We went in April. It was good. One of the better trips. In school I’m doin good in everything except algebra. I’m getting a C when you have to get a B to pass. Well too bad. I hope we move. Downers stinks, I’m so sick of it. Til next tune. Adios. May 22, 1996 Hey, Been only 4 days pretty quick huh. Well anyways what a week. Its been pretty bad. I took an Algebra test yesterday and I studied over an hour, but if like usual I’ll get a C. It stinks, that’s the only subject. My dads been in a bad mood since he’s had no job. A real jerkola. But Anyway me and Jimmy play a Computer game over the modem. Its real fun. DOOM 2. Rise of the Triad and Duke Nukem are some of the modem games. See ya later, I gotta go. July 14, 1996 Howdy, Almost been 2 months, who cares though. Anyways tomorrows the day we find out about Atlanta(whether or not my Dad got the job) Well how can I put it? its been summer. Not much doin’ but seen a lot of movies. Ex. Independence day, phenomenon, cable guy, nutty professor, I really like movie. I would love to be a critic. Im savin to get a computer, Pentium, that my uncle will put together for me. It will be good if we do move because then I can talk by email to Jim and Al. In some ways Ill miss Downers though. Its been a pretty good 10 years here. I cant believe I’m 14 going into Hi school. 2 years till car. No biggy. I’ll miss – 1.Eileen and Pat 2. Jimmy 3. Alan 4. Conor 5. Tivoli 6. Kanes 7. Familiar town 8. Chicago Bulls. It’ll be tough down there, but I’ll manage. Me Alan and Jimmy were such good friends ill really miss them. That is if we move. I’ll keep you posted. Heneghan July 15, 1996 OK This wont be long but I just wanted to inform you that we’ll find out about the job tomorrow or the next day. It seems like all were veen doin’ is waiting Although I won’t mind all the waiting as long as it all works out so I can move. Pat got me a monitor SVGA for 70 bucks which is good. I think I’ll have my own computer by the end of august. Well I hope anyways. Bye Bye. Heneghan July 22, 1996 OK, We’ll find out about the job this upcoming Friday. This waiting has been hell. Everyones in a bad mood. I hate my sister Nora. Literally hate her. She’s constantly getting me in trouble and she gets away with everything. My mother is mean, she is constantly blaming me for almost everything. My dad is always on the girls side because they’re younger. BS! They’re just as mean if not meaner to me. I can’t stand my family lately. But anyway, the Olympics began. I’ve been watching some event. It’s kind of fun to watch. All the swimming, fencing and gymnastics. Now the Olympics are real competition. Ill talk to ya later. July 31, 1996 Ummm….How can I put this, we won’t find out about Atlants till August 13. Bummer, huh? Well, anyways, my sisters are going to camp tomorrow for 6 days and I’m going to Pats for a night. He’s putting together my computer. I bought everything last weekend and it looks like I’ll have the best computer out of everyone in the family. Well Ill get back to ya later. August 4, 1996 Ok? Well I spent the last 4 days at Eileen and Pats putting together my computer, it works beautifully, well, mot mentioning a few probs; but anyway my sisters are gone and I’m in Heaven. It’s nice. The centennial Olympic games just concluded today in Atlanta Georgia, they were pretty interesting to watch. I’ll clean my room tomorrow so my computer will fit in nicely. Alan just got back from Thailand yesterday. I’ll have to get together with him. Bye for now. August 11, 1996 Hi, Well I was kind of busy this week. Alan’s back and on Wednesday I slept over at his house. It was fun we played his sony playstation that he got in Thailand. He has some good games. Jimmy got back today, but I haven’t talked to him. I cleaned my room and boy does it look spiffy. Alan’s Birthdays in 2 days, he’s goin bowling. I personally don’t find it that exciting. But anyway, I’ll ask Conor to see Kingpin with me tomorrow. Joe Heneghan August 15, 1996 My Dad was supposed to find out about Atlanta the 13th but they never called. So it looks like we are staying. DOH! Alans party was fun. Kevin, Jimmy and Joel were there. In some ways Im looking forward to school, but in others I’m really afraid of High school. I hope to have classes with Jimmy. His Birthday party is coming up soon. I’ll give him 20 bucks. I have to go to my grand uncles B-Day Sunday. SNORESVILLE! I wish I…Nevermind. Joe Heneghan September 1, 1996 I have started high school. Officially 2 ½ days. IT STINKS! I have no classes with my friends. NONE whatsoever! There are some fairly attractive females in some though. But it doesn’t matter I guess cause I don’t have any time for any broad. My teachers are loser extraordinaires. It’s boring, the days seem so long. Tomorrow is Labor Day. No School. I have already gotten a lot of homework. Well when something exciting happens I’ll tell you. Joe Heneghan September 9, 1996 Well today was as boring as ever. This past week in Gym we have been doing tests. I can bench 130, I weigh 151 lbs, I can do 40 sit ups in min and I can run the mile in 8 min 21 secs. I think we start dumb soccer now. I auditioned for the school play and got a small part. “Merchant 3” in Phantom Tollbooth. My Dad, I think, is getting a job in Chicago again. Boo! Hoo! I have to stay. Joe Heneghan September 16, 1996 He got it. He got the job. We stay in Chicago. He gets a lap top, a Taurus, and a new fax. School tinks. Its so boring! The teachers put me to sleep. Homecoming s coming up. I ain’t going, that’s for sure. I’m a prep now. I dress like one everyday. I don’t mind though. The teachers never call on me because I look so good. Ha!

1995

Saturday April 15, 1995: Age 13 Its been two years since I’ve written in this baby. I’m 13, a teenager. I got$120.00 for my Birthday, plus a bunny and a Sega Game. I own both Sega and Super Nintendo. Jimmy Hutchinson is my best friend. Alans a jerk as well as Matt Camden. I’m in JR. High 7th grade. Easters tomorrow, I don’t care what I get. We never moved and we have a porchand a half finished basement. I still like Courtney and probably always will. She barely knows I exist. I also like Jillian Laga. I figure I’ve got a better chance with her. For some reason I’m not excited at all for Easter. It just doesn’t thrill me. I’m so sick of school. It’s harder than usual. I hate most of my teachers. I at least get hot lunchs now. I can’t wait till summer. I feel very strange right now. It feels like there is someone in side of me. It criticizes almost everything I do! It seems like its controlling me! Ahhhhhhhh! Sunday April 23, 1995 Yesterday was a very odd day for me. My father has lately met his old girlfriend and ironically her son is in the same grade as me. His name is Conor Donoghue. He is one of the more popular kids in Herrick. Anyway, hes friends with Matt Camden my arch enemy And I had to over to Conors house with my family when Matt was going too. It was the first time I felt like a nobody. Conor was nice to me, but Matt controls everybody so Conor was nicer to Matt. Matts girlfriend is an 8th grader and she and another girl came over. It felt weird knowing Im the only one without a girlfriend I wish I was as popular as I used to be. Now I hang around with losers except Jimbo. Maybe someday I’ll be cool again. June 29th, 1995 First of all I apologize for all the nasty things I’ve put in here. They were totally uncalled for. Anyways, its practically been a year since I’ve written in here. That’s pretty pathetic. As for Alan Sangpan, he’s as popular as he’s always been. He hangs around with Oak Brook kids with maids. Jimmy Hutchinson, is pretty much my best friend. He’s fun and nice. As for Matt Camden. I say throw him in a locked room with bulls and make him wear nothing but red. He’s a jerk. I made new, dumb friends, but I don’t really think they’re my type. They’re all slobs. I going to try to be more sophisticated. Conor Donoghue is an example of someone who’s popular. I wish I were as popular as I used to be. Luckily Jackie Barna moved. I hope 8th grade will be better than 7th. I plan on, or actually hope to get a girlfriend next year. Almost all my friends have one. Maybe I will. June 30, 1995 Hello people. Today’s been awful. Jimmy, my friend, went over to Jon’s for the second time in a row. Kind of angry with him. Who cares. He’s a loser anyways. Nora’s Birthdays tomorrow. I didn’t get her anything, but my parents spent at least $120.00 on her. They think they have to since my mom and Nancy, Tom, Aunty M are all in a squabble. Heneghan June 23, 1995 Hello again. Today was an amusing day. First of all Jimmy’s out of town so me and Jon Curran are kind of hanging out. I guess Jon’s pretty fun. Me and Jon saw DIE HARD with a Vengeance yesterday and today we went to Yorktown Mall. Jon bought a pound of gummi worms and we both bought our lunchs at MCDONALDS. Anyways while we were at the mall Jon kind of dared me to call Christa Iser, a girl I like, and ask her if she wanted to meet us there. She said, “Sorry I’m babysitting my two sisters Kyle and Katie.” But I do think she likes me. That was the first time I’ve actually called a girl that I liked to meet me somewhere. I feel real weird. Plus I’m really slow in going in the love business compared to all my friends. Jimmy had 2 girls last year he met at camp and he kissed them. AND This year he’s been going out with Becca. Jon asks people out by they usually refuse. Kevin had a girlfriend at the end of the school year. And plus most of my friends have posters and pictures on there walls. I’d be dead if I had anything like that. I wish I had furniture like Jon Curran. He has an awesome desk and shelfs and his own file drawer. That concludes my entry. Till next time – Farewell

1994

June 10, 1994 I’m going into Junior High now. I doubt I’ll make new friends. My mom is pressuring me to make new friends. Something just came up. I promise to get back to you soon. August 23, 1994 OK. I haven’t written Juicy in here yet so going into Junior high I’ll give you all the Juices. AROUND February a girl named Jackie and I were hitting it off. We didn’t go on dates or anything, we were just lovey dovey in school. Lately, we’ve been getting into a bunch of fights(not physical) She acts like a witch I’d like to turn the w in witch into a B, but if my sisters or parents got a hold of this I’d be in major trouble. So I was saying that Jackie and I have gotten in a lot of fights. One was real bad and that was when I met her in town. We called each other names and we got on with it. But about a month later she called me and apologized Of course I accepted but that doesn’t mean I like her. Throughout this summer 2 people have called me and said they liked me. Ones a NINTH GRADER whos name is Debbie Matthews. Which I sort of like, but whom I passed up when she asked me out. The other is my age and is really nice, but I have not interest in her. The one person I really like and would do Anything for is Courtney Parker. I know she doesn’t like me, but I think she is so nice and so pretty that it was love at first sight for me. I hope I find someone I like more for her sake. Courtney has very black and puffy hair which blends in so nicely with her darker skin. Her beautiful brown eyes pull everything together to make the Prettiest girl I ever met. Stephanie Suva, another girl I liked turned out to be a slutt and I lost interest in her fast. Alan on of my best friends is very short I hope somehow a girl finds interest in Alan while were in Junior High. I feel so sorry for him. That concludes this entry. Im gonna try to get to you every week.

1993

Wednesday June 6th, 1993 I got Game Gear with Sonic 2, and Tazmania! Alan, Alex and I are in a fight I hate Alan so Alex hates me cause Alan hates me! My dad wrote a screenplay and it might become a movie if FATHE GREELEY likes it! If he does we might have to move. I would be happy to move cause I really don’t like anyone at this school, except Tommy Gilbert and Adam Fierle but Adam is on the other side of Downers Grove so I don’t see him to often! I’ve been reading Calvin and Hobbes and Everything he says I’ve thought to. Like I wish I was Dead or I hate my parents but we really don’t mean it! Monday April 5, 1993: Age 11 Hi, I’m 11 yrs old now. I got 2 Game Gears Games for my B-day. I had my bowling sleepover with my friends on March 19. It was the best. I’m have just started puberty. My voice is still the same but I’ve had other things happen. Alan and Me are still in a fight. Pat(my uncle) is in Florida and Eileen(my aunt) lost her job and My dad quit his job. We are still on hold about moving. I like 2 people now Jackie Barna and Courtney Parker I think they hate me. Easters coming up and I have to pretend that I believe in the Easter Bunny. July 22, 1993 Today Has been a Hecktick day! We had gotten back from Adam Fierles house, in the morning from a sleepover and Nora my baby sister (age 7 July 1) asked my mom if Reagan Fierle(Nora’s friend) if she could stay at our house while the rest of the Fierle family went to there cottage. While this is going on my dad is still trying to find a job. We might have to move to Atlanta, Georgia. I have mixed feelings about moving. I will miss my friends and my home, but I do get sick of Downers Grove. (where I live) August 5, 1993 Sometimes I just wanna die! I know that its childish so I try to overcome this thought but my mom and dad just keep bringing me back to it. I don’t have any real good friends because they never bother to call and when they do I usually can’t go. Theres only one girl I really like her names Stephanie and she goes to Adam Fierles school. So I don’t see her often.

1992

Thursday January 9, 1992 Were back to school it is boring Jackie Stephanie and Nina are chasing us. Jon hates my guts cause I’m not letting him play. I found out that Stephanie love me yok Jenna and Marnie invited me to go to texas isn’t that stupid. Today I found out that a friend isn’t one that is popular or cool its one this is nice and funny and I know Alan is not nice but I still like him but I’m starting to like Jimmy better. Thursday January 16, 1992 My dad has been acting like a Jerk lately so has Mom. I went to Alans today his Mom said it was to cold out si to go sleding. I wish tonight when I g to bed I die! It is 8:50 Alan got all Legos for Christmas. I wish winter was gone forever. My life stinks. Saturday January 25, 1992 Today We got up sat down… and we got up and went to Eileens and sat down..and we got up and left and got home and layed down……and fell asleep. Boring Thursday May 14, 1992: Age 10 Today Alan said he was going to smoke he said he was kidding I didn’t think it was funny it was Also Open house. Julie use to like me but she hates me know. This is domb Just kill me “Ok” Tuesday July 8, 1992 I’ve HAS A VERY Different day. We Did NOTHING Then at like 5:15 JENNY Ranze CaLLS Asking IF I’ll like Julie again I said call me back Ill Right again when she calls Friday October 23, 1992 Well I got a lot to catch up with Yow first of all I don’t like Julie anymore I like Jenny Reyes. She nice she’s very smart and she’s funny! Me, Adam and Tommy are going up to Adam’s cottage tomorrow and I also have to go to CCD and I still hate it. I can’t play with Alan anymore but I’m still nice to him. Rick Putra, Alan’s firned Is such a jerk he got all of us in trouble. I don’t wish I was dead anymore I like myself I’m yummy! Adam Feirle moved to the other side of Downers Grove So I never see him anymore. If Adam didn’t move I think we would have been my best friend! I take the French Horn I pretty good! Alex Collins turned out to be very nice but he’s still wild! I’m in 5th Grade and I have Mrs. Hazen she’s ok but she’s not the best! My Mom’s birthday just past, shes 37 years old now! I have collected many Trolls there really NEAT! I won as represntive for the 5th GRADE 5 years in a row. I’ve been included in Student Council I also ran for Vice President but I lost! Ross Perot , Bill Clinton and George Bush are all running for President of the USA this year. I wonder who will win. Well I guess that’s all I have to say! Bye Sunday October 25, 1992 Hi its me today was fun! I just got back from Adam’s cottage. I had a good time. Tommy went to he had a few spas attacks. Today we celebrated MARGARETS Birthday she got real boring things I think she was kind of disappointed but she’ll get over it. Tommorow we have school. I hate school! Did I tell you I’m a patrol person tomorrow it’ll be fun! The Bears wont today 30 to 10 Packers loss! I’m running out of things to say so I’ll say Bye! Monday December 21, 1992 Hellow Diary! Well I’m not happy about who’s gonna be President. It’s Bill Clinton! Now the saddest part is Jenny Reyes is gone she moved and I found out there is no Santa Claus about 2 months ago! 4 more days til X-mas though Since Jenny left I like Courtney! She’s nice and tall. I hope she likes me. I want Game Gear for X-Mas! Yesterday was Kevin Olsen’s B-day it was fun Well I guess I’ll see you later! Bye!

1991

Thursday January 1991 My mom is so mean She threw me to the ground today I Don’t like her February 1, 1991 Well Zach + Katie are still in love! Sunday March 31, 1991: Age 9 Today was Easter the Easter bunny was cool to us. I got tons of Junk. My b-day was a few days ago. A girl Laura Bryton I liked moved today I miss her. Well have tou seen My Room sense Januarary it Bartafid its full of Bart stuff Well Big Now I presume. I’m only 9 years old right now and I live on Chicago Ave 745 It’s cool I’m in 3rd Grade with Jimmy Hutchinson and Alan Sangpan well this is the first time I put something personle in this book. Wednesday April 10, 1991 Today stunk I had to go to CCD and my Mom wouldn’t talk to me it stinks Wednesday April 10, 1991 I found out AlAN loves Jackie Saturday April 13, 1991 Today I went to Keiths party it was ok then I had a babysitter YOK! Sunday April 14, 1991 Today I was good. I stole a piece of candy! Ha ha ha Not! Monday April 15, 1991 Today was cool! Monday May 13, 1991 Today was borring we had a regular day in school. Gym, Art, Reading. I am 9 years old and I’m lazy I never raise my hand because it hurts. I don’t write neat because my hand gets tired Ya see I’m a borring guy Sunday May 18, 1991 Today My Mom went to a shower So she was very crabby but I got waldo’s ultimate fun book. I got sickning school tommoro. I hate myself I wish I was dead. Its True He does Sunday June 22, 1991 Did I tell you were getting a ADITION Its really bugging me my parents pay more attention to it than us we had to go to 3 stores just for it then we went to Eils we had a water fite ME My DAD and Margaret won I drensed my mom with water And I got a lot of Bugs BaseBall cards And I’m Happy! JOE Tuesday June 25, 1991 I forgot Im out of school I’ll begin 4th grade in August we get a short vaction this summer it only till August 24 it stinks do you no were I’m at I’m on the toilet going pooh! By, By! Thursday June 27, 1991 Boomer day dude my moms acting meano to the max she almost threw the yellow pages at me but tommorow I get to go to the carnival and Eils house Bye! Sunday October 13, 1991 Hi its me, I’m sorry I haven’t wrote in a long time I was just looking over stuff some of its really sad. I’m in 4th grade My thecher is Miss WARD I don’t Babysit Alan we babysit Tommy’s and Nancys baby Ryan they got married About A YEAR and a half ago. I wish things were like they used to be I miss babysitting Alan I miss Laura Braton I miss being in 3rd grade Now I wish I was Dead I’m not kidding! Good By JOE Sunday December 22, 1991 It is 3 more days till Christmas I am excited I got Margaret a umbrella, Nora a Mrs. Santa troll and Mom a Nail dryer. Mom is in a bad mode. SO we are going to see all I want For Christmas. I saw My Girl it was sad. Oh I almost forgor Zach and Kate broke up. Ill write to you later after I get my pertents. By JoE Tuesday, December 31, 1991 Today was horrible! Alan came over and we played board gamesthen Nora starts playing with Alan so I couldn’t The we played Nerf Bow-n-Aroow with Al bun he shot my Aroow on the roof I hate his guts. While that was happening Mom frieond was over so she was screaming at me Dad was acting Jearky too. P.S. I got the tecnadrome, 15 new turtles, trolls, super socker 100, Nerf Bow n Arrow Home Alone the Board game and movie 12 speed bike, Games, Globe, etc

1990

Thursday January 4, 1990: Age 7 IF I Ever Get Kids This is the DAY Taye Would want to HEAR.” There old Jokes, Q, Wayed the Chicen crose the ROAD A, To GET to the ether side Q Nock Nock, A Who’s ther Q, Who A Who Who, Q Get it AN OWL Who Who, Saturday December 25, 1989: Age 7 Today is Christmas Day. Last Night my Mom got A Neckles from ME I think She liked it. But today Santa gave me Abut 12 present Plues abut 11 present That I got at anuty MARGAREt’s. I’d say the Batmobile was the Best! I think I got a lot! Thursday December 29, 1989 Today was the most werst day of My life! In the morning I was woked at 6:00 then I got up and I was folled by the zomby NORA! After that I Had to clean My ROOM. Almost all DAY I was waching TV! NOW DO YOU NO Why! Tuesday January 2, 1990 TODAY IS MY LAST DAY OF MY VacitoN. I Colud Not SEE AlAn” TOMMOROW I HAVE SCHOOL.” I HATE SCHOOL.” I HATE School.” Don’t YOU? SORRY I’M So MAD. NOW I’M iN BED Sallcing! I NEVER WANt TO SEE AlAN AgaiN OK.” OK.” Saturday Januray 6, 1990 TODAY WaS A Wast of A DAY First we went to the Mall AND looked FOR Shoes stuped isn’t it Then we went to Jhonny and DAVids for 10 SECONS BoriNg don’t ya think? AftER That WE went to Ellien and Ate The Hole time we wer tther DOME DON’t ya think Then I went to BED GOOD NiGth Wednesday February 14, 1990 TODAY Was Valentine my wrost hollidayI like the candy. I think up in hit JENNA Because she aches like she loves me. I got medel head from my mom. The girls got lipstick. I gave alan a great thing he gave me a dome thing. AND CUPid hit JENNYto to love Stevey. Well by Sunday June 16 1990: Age 8 TODay is Sunday We went to wag’s for breakfast! I had french toast, My favorite. Then we looked at house’s you mean I didn’t tell you were moving cool han. I alsow got a new sterow with spekers Dude han I no what you mean like bart Simpson would of said now were getting ready to go to Eilliens. Saturday October 13, 1990 Today was a horrible day It was well WOW! Sunday October 14, 1990 I’m in 3rd grade My techer is Miss Norstrom! Thursday November 8, 1990 Zach And Katie sitting in a tree K.I.S.S.I.N.G.

1989

Sunday December 24, 1989 : Age 7

Today was Christmas Eve, I Think tomorrow will Be Better then today. But itlest I got 7 Presint’s Well Howed I do for my first time?