”Nip/Tuck” recap: Sean’s woman troubles

Um, gross. That’s the only thing I can say after the opening sequence of this week’s episode of Nip/Tuck. I’m not usually squeamish, but if any series is going to push my taste limits, it’s definitely this one. And seeing Kate (Paula Marshall) have diarrhea in a hot tub was without a doubt an image that will haunt me for my remaining days. Yikes. All I could think was I hope Sean showered repeatedly afterward. Also, what do we think the special-effects people used to simulate that?

Kate pooped all over Sean not only literally but also emotionally. She is not a nice lady. He tried to comfort her afterward, and she withdrew from him. I’m all done with her. Plus, her boo-hoo eating-disorder story just isn’t making me feel sympathy for her. Get some therapy, honey. And Sean, get a new girlfriend.

Sean certainly got a brand spankin’ new fantasy lady: Eden Lord (AnnaLynne McCord). Eden first appeared in his office, clad in a schoolgirl uniform, and asked to have her hymen repaired after a particularly bumpy ride on her horse. Uh-huh. Sure, girl. A horse. Sean refused to operate on her without parental consent, but that didn’t stop Eden from aggressively flirting with him. But the real kicker was that Eden is actually Olivia’s daughter! Gasp! Oh, my! Doesn’t Olivia seems a little too young to have a child Eden’s age? Olivia eventually consented to the surgery, setting up my favorite moment in the episode, when Sean went to see Eden in the recovery room and the little lady was all decked out in her best lingerie. Who in the hell wears lingerie in the recovery room? I don’t know, but I thought it was high-larious! My least favorite moment? When Sean fantasized about Eden with a saddle on her and then took his frustration out on Kate. Don’t need to see that again. As Amy Winehouse sings, ”No, no, no.”

Maybe I have Winehouse fever since ”Rehab” had a prominent moment in the episode thanks to the return of Matt (John Hensley). It still literally hurts my eyes to look at this fella’s eyebrows. Is someone playing a joke on him? There must be tweezers and wax on this set, yet those bushy things still aren’t tamed. My colleague Clark Collis said they look like those eyebrows Jerry drew on his uncle Leo in an episode of Seinfeld years ago. Besides the eyebrows, it turns out Matt is battling a severe drug addiction, as is Kimber (Kelly Carlson). Matt claimed to Sean and Christian that he had left Kimber because of differences over Scientology, but the couple were actually holed up in a dingy little apartment, doing their best version of Requiem for a Dream. With their poor little baby just sitting by, waiting to be fed.