August 10, 2009

If you have EVER liked this friendship, I suggest you to accept when I make my choices, ‘coz my life includes several things. You know you’re a part of them – a great part of it, like a delightful piece of cake with a cherry on top -, but there are a lot of people who are a part of it too. I know I’m obstinate and way too proud, but I’m proud to say I always know when I’m wrong and I admit it. But I’ve already done it, even not wrong. I know how to do it to fix something, but it didn’t work and I’m not doing it again. Not again. Not anymore.

I’ve changed. So much has changed. Things around me have done and so have I.

A few days ago, me and some friends were talking about love, the perfect boy/girlfriend etc. Well, in my opinion, the perfect one is that who likes you just the way you are and who you like the same way. By the way, before being lovers, we should be nice friends and trust each other.

But nobody said it’s easy to find true love – and even if someone has done, it’s a lie. Some are lucky – and less than 1% of the whole world. Some keep waiting. For so long. Just like me.

I’ve already been in love. I am in love. But only once I was loved back and it’s over now. But I’m happy when I say I’ve got the best friend in the whole world, who is still far from me when talking about distance, but is so close when talking about feeling. He fights when I’m wrong, hugs me when I’m right… laughes when I’m funny. However it is, it’s always perfect. I can get mad, but it just goes away when he cames back to me.

Whatever. What I mean is that I’m not that beautiful neighter am too sexy for my shirt LOL but I’m a simple girl. A smart one. If I don’t have someone, doesn’t mean I don’t want someone, but I don’t need a lot of boys like sharks around me. Don’t want a lot of guys falling at my feet. I just wanted someone who I love loving me. That’s all I wish. No need to come in a white horse, unless he’s a prince and wants it. I just want somebody who loves me like I am, while he’s being himself.

July 29, 2009

I gotta look like a SO problematic person. But I don’t mind, that’s none of ANYBODY’s business, then it’s still my own problems. If it matters to you, imagine it’s just another of those boring books about how to act. Or not, but the truth is things are getting a little outta place. Or am I losing myself? Don’t matter.

But I’m having a serious problem with my own personality. It’s calling me to act and fight for what I want, as I always did, but the person “me” is telling me not to do anything, just keep it on me and forget the rest. Ha, it seems easy but BELIEVE ME, it sucks when you’re fighting inside.

And just for you to know, YOU BOY, listen to me.

UNLESS FOR NOW, I’M STILL FIGHTING TO GET YOU. UNTIL I GET THAT TIRED TO ACT LIKE A FOOL (AS I’M DOING RIGHT NOW) AND GIVE UP, I’LL KEEP FIGHTING. MAYBE I’M A GOOD FRIEND, BUT THAT’S DEFINITELY NOT HALF OF WHAT I WANNA BE.
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July 25, 2009

This is how I’m feeling. There’s no meaning in anything, I just feel tired of living. Well, not my fault, though. What’s the point in being 18 (overage and enough-aged, I’d say) if I’m old enough to clean the whole house or do some other things and I’m too young to go out at night? I could laugh if it was a joke, but it’s my life – what makes it almost a joke. Ha, I’m so funny.

Come on, I’m old enough to do whatever I wanna do. If I can’t do what I want right, it’s MY problem, MY fault, nothing to do with them. But I have already showed them (I mean, my parents) that they can trust me (they don’t know what trust means, apparently), because they know I’m the one who HATES drugs the most. For drugs I mean also those fuckin’ cigarettes that people think are so charming. Die fast and leave me alone, then.

Okay, maybe the point is alcohol. YES, MAN, I like it. But it never meant I need to drink until get drunk, as I NEVER DID. Then, what’s the matter with ME? It’s not like I’m going out to have sex with everyone who passes in front of me, eighter. I wanna get out with MY FRIENDS, who my parents know very well, who always come to visit me, who I always go to visit, who I know for ten or five years, depending on who I’m talking about. They are a little better than me, by the way HAHA I’m the rebel one lol. They can control me, right? You guys know what the word friendship means to me, and it’s too strong for me to take it away.

Well, coming back way too late shouldn’t be a problem, too. If you want to take me there and get me back, no problem, but if THAT’S the matter, you guys should let me stay until 5 am there so I could wait a little more until 6 o’clock to get my bus and come home around 7 am. But it’s always difficult to solve some problem if somebody doesn’t want them to be solved.

May 27, 2009

I had a bitter week. I mean, the last one. But this one NOTHING can make it bad. Anyway, I’m talk about bitterness.

Some years ago, I used to be so bitter. I was a cold person until something happen to change it.

I knew a guy at the Internet and we become friends. Nice friends. Close friends. Closer friends. The closest ones. And I kinda fell in love, but my “fall in love” was a lot different those days than it’s today – thanks to him.

I was 13. He fell in love and asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed, but I wasn’t THAT into him. He used to do anything so it could work out – but I didn’t even try much. I was happy to say ‘I have a boyfriend!’, but I didn’t care much. But nothing is always a bed of roses, so he should have been tired of my indifference so he broke up. Then, I felt bad a lot. It changed myself.

I started to care more about people who I love. I started to be a lot worried if they were okay. I started to love that guy in a different way, a stronger way. I really loved him after losing him. We got together again, but it was never the same: I started to care and he didn’t anymore. So it wasn’t working out again and we broke up. Forever. But we’re still best friends.

And I changed a lot because of this special fact in my life. It changed who I was and now I’m a better person – but sometimes it hurts me because now I try to trust everybody, even when I have a great chance to fail.

But you know what? I LOVE who I am and who wants to love me needs to love exactly this person.

May 3, 2009

Right, satuday night and here I am: home, watching series. You should be asking yourself why a normal (?) 18 year-olded-girl is at home if she has friends and free time, maybe. That’s what I’m telling you.

Yesterday was a holiday in Brazil, the Work Day. I didn’t have classes so I was at the Internet talking with my friends in a conference when one of them told me she was going out. It was almost 9 p.m. Usually, she goes with three of our common friends, but only one was going there and she called me to join them. I would love to, but I was pretty sure mother wouldn’t let me to go out at 10 p.m. But I tried – and I got that.

It was 10 p.m. when I got the place – exactly as the same moment she did. When we were going in, our friend got there. So, we went in the place together and got a table for us. We started talking and enjoy the music – most of them, classic rock – so the boy offerred we girls a beer. I’m not used to drink beer – I kinda don’t like it much and prefer vodka, Martini or wine – but he told us to part it with him, so we did. Well, the beer he got for us wasn’t that bad and it was really hot there inside, so we parted three more beers during the night. I also have to say I’m used to be strong with alcohol and beer? C’mon, it’s very weak to me – what I think is pretty nice. Going back to the party, we danced rock music, watched two bands (the first one was very impressive, I’m in love with it!) and had a deep conversation which made me feel better. Actually, I’m still doing – thanks to them.

As if wasn’t so much, I had a party today. A birthday party at a chic bar. Actually, one of my very best friend’s birthday party. So you tell me: WHAT A FUCK ARE YOU DOING HOME? Ooops, my bad, you should ask my parents: mom just decided to say she didn’t know any about the party happening at that place – oh, how sweet, I’m telling her for two days and she didn’t know. I asked her some money and why would I need any money if it was going to happen in my friend’s house? And, finally, what’s the fucking matter about me drinking some beer? Okay, you may be conservative and tell me it’s not so good. I got it, maybe it isn’t, but it’s not like I’m driving myself drunking or stuff. It’s just a beer, something weak I was parting with my very best friends because it was hot and so on. And I’m telling you that: if you’re analyzing it so deep, it’s as dangerous drinking beer as drinking water with a lot of hormones, medicines and things you’ll never know you’re putting into yourself.

Anyway, the beer doesn’t matter much – I don’t think so. The point is why does she need to make everybody here mad at me for being born? Why did she make me do the worst thing ever in my opinion – lying to somebody I love? In fact I’m not lying and I know she’s gonna understand what happened, but it’s really horrible promising something and not executing it. I feel frustrated, the worst person ever. My friend can forgive me; I can’t.

It seems I can’t trust me for trusting people way too much – specially my family. I should have learnt that they always do it.

April 30, 2009

I’m worried about my job. I’m worried about my quality. I don’t wanna be a teacher because I want to be a teacher, but I wanna be a teacher because I can be a teacher.

I’m missing some friends. I’m missing those friends who spent their evenings with me three years ago, at the Internet, as the real world would never matter.

I’m missing the life I had before, that one I used to think was too hard – but I didn’t know anything when I thought that.

I’m thinking way too much about someone who I shouldn’t. Not that I shouldn’t, it’s just that it would be better if I didn’t. But I am, and it’s getting worse everyday and I’m going to the point of no return: I almost can’t take it.

April 19, 2009

I’m coming because I missed it. Yeah, true, but I wouldn’t even remember about it if Stephen didn’t make me to. So you ask: who is Stephen? I say: Stephen is my friend. You ask again: where did you know him? I say again: Internet! Isn’t it amazing? If you say no, you probably never tried this.

There's a lot of people talking by Internet around the world.

I’m at Internet since I was about seven years. I used to have fun at ICQ – which my dad introduced me to. I neighter had friends there to talk, but I talked to my cousin (who lives far not so far from me) and to a friend of my dad – who said that was going to marry me someday, há. He was 19 those days, now he should be… *thinks* probably 30. Wow, i wonder if he’s already married *laughes*.

Well, about an year after I signed ICQ, my best friend at school signed too, so we were two eight-year-olded girls talking there at every single sunday night, after chatting at Turma da Monica’s chat, where I would know my first online friend – who would be my first boyfriend and the first guy I trully loved. *ew, so sweet*

In 2003, I signed a forum about Harry Potter. I had a lot of experiences with instant friends at chats – specially that Turma da Monica’s one. I also had a friend who was Egyptian, her name’s Nihal. My English was terrible those days (well, it’s still a little HAHA but was REALLY terrible, I swear!), but she could easily understand me – well, it seemed like she was understanding me. Anyway, we used to talk at saturday nights, but so she just dissapeared. Há. So was May when I missed that chat of my childhood (I was a child still, but I thought I wasn’t at all HAHA) and went there. Guess what? There’s a guy, same age as mine, who started talking about Harry Potter. He gave me his ICQ and so we started a conversation. Well, I’m not going to tell you this whole story, but then he was a real good friend and I fell. In love.

It was my birthday party at December, the same year, and my friends were going to sleep at my house, so we turned on the computer and I was going to show them that perfect boy I have fallen into, haha. Then I got surprised, because he told me he was in love with me and asked me to be his girlfriend. Yeah, they watched it in real time – and do I need to say how was the night and the day after? HAHA, they laughed a lot about it – according to them, it was really FUNNY how I couldn’t stop talking about him. And it was true.Resuming it: we last together about two years, but he always dissapeared for some little time and came back suddenly. Huh, actually he still doing that, haha. But it doesn’t matter to this story.

I guess it was 2004 when I really started having friends at that Harry Potter forum I signed an year before. I met a lot of nice people and 2005 was better: I really have friends and we used to have a lot of conferences at MSN, which I was into also to talk with my school and ex-school friends. I’m used to remain these contacts by Internet.

Well, my friends group was growing and growing up: my ex-school friends introduced me some new people, who I knew first by Internet – now we’re best friends at real world. I knew personally some of my online friends – Leonardo is the champion, he met me about three times, I guess. Actually, our families also met and they loved themselves HAHA it’s so great, you don’t know HOW it’s great. Then, my family understood I could judge who could be a real friend and who couldn’t.

Other person I met personally was Júlia. She’s really nice and I met her when I was at Florianópolis, traveling with my high school friends. She went to my hotel and, now, she’s even my high school’s friend friend, haha! So nice!

And finally… when I signed Twitter, I had a lot of people following me but I wasn’t following everybody – for sure, there’s a lot of spam. Anyway, I liked that and I told my friends. They signed it too and now I have a lot of them. Actually, I also started following some friends’ friends and them I’m knowing new people – the last ones I started talking with were @bbelle_ and @bstyle, who added me at MSN and we’re going to laugh together there, HAHA. And I kinda met one of the friends I got there personally yesterday. Who was it? Stephen, of course! We got together at Skype for almost (or more than?) three hours, talking, and it was REALLY nice! I loved it and I’m expecting we can talk again.

I just wanted to say one more thing: Internet is a good way to make friends, believe me. It’s also a good way for you to know how to make them and become more talkative and stuff. That’s my own experience.

February 20, 2009

I’m sorry for not coming as fast as promised. Some things happened and, well, I also had to clean my house to get new pens (mother gave me). By the way, I bought some today.

As you may not know (you should be thankful), Carnival is coming. As neighter I know, it goes from sunday to tuesday.

I never liked Carnival. Okay, I live in Brazil, butI hated it since I was a kid – I just don’t know why. Actually I have a point about those parades, but I don’t want to talk about that. The fact is that, this year, I’m going to a Carnival party. It’s going to happen in a Japanese club and me and my friends are going there to help the taiko group which one of my friends dance for. And I’m with my friends, so it must be funny.

If I never liked Carnival, why am I going there? The answer is the most simple ever: I always get a horrible bad mood on these days. This time, I’m gonna get over it and do something good, not just die sleeping. There’s just a little problem: I don’t know how I’ll feel there. I know it’ll be at least cool, because I’ll be with my friends, but those musics plus people dancing plus the fact that I should dance (I dance, sometimes, but it’s not… erm, good) is driving me mad.

Okay, just some things I had on my head. I just don’t know how to behave in a Carnival party. When I find out, I tell y’all.

PS: I’m sorry, I know this post seems horrible, but I’m not feeling like writing, just wrote that because I wanted to post something. I’m really sorry, don’t judge me for this one!