Westboro Baptist Minister Enters Genesis, Places Top 8

A Westboro Baptist Church minister traveling to Genesis 5 to preach the good word of the bible found himself placing 7th after a close game 5 set with Plup. This was not only the first time a new player placed this high in bracket, but the first time stone tablets were used as a Gamecube controller replacement.

Upon reaching the venue, the man brought out his picket signs to protest double elimination bracket, claiming single elimination is how God intended the world to work. “There are no second chances,” he stated. “If you are born a puff main, you will be punished. You will burn in the eternal fires for your sins, and double elimination bracket promotes the concept of redemption.”

The minister, believing his neutral and punish game was predetermined at birth, brought out stone tablets to read off his move choices at the start of his round 1 pools match. After transcribing the moves on stone, he would hand them over to his opponent who would then choose a move in response. After reaching top 8, he was forced to use a Gamecube controller to keep the tournament on schedule, and was unable to keep up with Plup’s incredible speed.

“Banning the stone tablets was the most horrendous abuse I have ever seen. I will not be coming to Genesis 6. As the Lord says in Genesis 6, ‘I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them,'” he quoted.

Upon asking what the minister thought about the tournament experience, he said “Genesis 5 is one of the most important tenents of the Bible. ‘When God created mankind, he made them in the likeness of God.2 He created them male and female and blessed them. And he named them “Mankind”[a] when they were created.‘” We will not be quoting the remainder of what the minister said, because The Turnip doesn’t endorse inflammatory comments.

After the tournament, the minister was seen protesting smashers eating at a nearby chic-fil-a, furious that the restaurant chain was serving their kind. The Turnip will follow these actions closely and report further on the Westboro Baptist Church member.