This Week In The Laboratories Of Democracy

Welcome back to our weekly survey of what's goin' down in the several states where, as we know, the real work of governmentin' gets done, and where all the clowns you have commissioned have died in battle or in vain.

It's State of the State Address Week! (For connoisseurs of what goes down in the Labs, this is like Oscar Week and Spring Break all rolled into one. Except with no Oprah-snubbing.) Let's start in where-the-fk-else? Kansas, where cross-fetishist Sam Brownback livened things up with a vintage performance of Bad Historical Analogy Theater.

Slavery, Brownback told lawmakers in his State of the State address, "rubbed our skin and our hearts raw until we could stand it no more and erupted into 'Bleeding Kansas' " - the violence during the settling of the Kansas territory. "The Summer of Mercy," Brownback said next, "sprung forth in Kansas as we could no longer tolerate the death of innocent children."

One of the prime targets of the Summer Of Mercy was Dr. George Tiller, who eventually was mercifully murdered in his fking church by someone whose skin had been rubbed raw, but not so raw that he couldn't pull the trigger. Brownback looks back on those days with some pride, although I'm sure he deplores murder, although, as Chris Rock once put it in another context, he...understands.

We shuffle out of Kansas before someone decides we need to be mercifully ventilated and move on to Vermont, where Governor Peter Shumlin took the time to address his state's terrible problem with heroin addiction. This rather disturbed some Vermont Republicans who saw Shumlin's priorities as misplaced.

Republicans were not impressed, saying that Governor Shumlin should have made room for other big issues confronting the state, especially problems with the rollout of its health care exchange. "We do have to tackle addiction, but people day after day are asking me about care," said Representative Heidi Scheuermann, a Republican from Stowe. She said that the governor's proposal for what would be the nation's first single-payer health insurance plan had also caused considerable confusion and controversy and that the speech was both "a missed opportunity" to address it and "a way to change the subject."

I swear to god, when they get pulled over for speeding, they look up plaintively at the state trooper and say, "Sorry, Officer. Obamacare."

And, down in Alabama, they might even get away with it. Governor "Bob" Bentley told the legislature that he simply cannot have any of the government money-cooties in his state. Freedom demands a certain level of deprivation among people who are not "Bob" Bentley.

In his State of the State speech Tuesday night, the Republican governor acknowledged that Alabama is one of the poorest states in America, with one in four children living in poverty. "We can break the cycle of poverty, but not with programs that drag our communities and our people into the downward spiral of dependence," he said.

And, of course, Alabama's poor must suffer because "Bob" Bentley is thinking Big Thoughts again, and has dedicated himself to keeping Teh Deficit from eating the grandchilder. Brave, brave, Sir "Bob."

In a speech filled with criticism of federal policy, Bentley recalled the beginning of the War on Poverty 50 years ago and said it has done little to liberate people from poverty. Jumping to today, he said the federal health care law is stifling business growth and making it harder for people to find jobs. "Our great nation is $17.2 trillion in debt and it increases by $2 billion every single day. That is why I cannot expand Medicaid in Alabama," Bentley said.

(I'd like to pause for a moment here to thank all the Democrats who have worked so hard over the past 30 years to promote the notion that Teh Deficit is the only thing that matters in our national economy. Really, guys, well-played.)

A lot of them are proud of the work they're doing keeping people from receiving health care. In Nebraska, for example, Pipeline Dave Heineman is also looking out for the rest of us.

Finally, Gov. Heineman reiterated his opposition to Obamacare's optional Medicaid expansion, stating the federal government is already trillions of dollars in debt and is unlikely to hold up its end of the bargain. "The responsible choice is to reject Obamacare's Medicaid expansion program," he said. "If you go and expand Medicaid, that will mean less future funding for Scottsbluff and Gering public schools, Chadron State College, Western Nebraska Community College and the University of Nebraska."

But Pipeline Dave isn't as fervent in his desire to protect us from Teh Deficitas Phil Bryant of Mississippi, who took some time off from this beat policing the correct use of the ladyparts in his state to make sure that the rest of us are spared the depredations of the poor people in his state.

Let me be clear. Any law that will add 300,000 Mississippians to a federal entitlement program partially funded by the state will either result in a huge tax increase or drastic cuts to education, public safety, job creation and other budgets. It will leave our children and grandchildren with ballooning federal debt. . . . Instead of assuming enormous costs that we cannot afford, I would suggest that we spend our time and efforts in finding good jobs for all Mississippians. We should be compassionate by lowering our Medicaid population through economic growth, personal responsibility, and providing more access to private sector health care.

Strange, isn't it? It's almost like they're organized. You know what, govs? Starve the poor because you want to, or because it's popular with the mouthbreathers who elect you. Keep the rest of us out of it, thanks. We'll take care of ourselves and our grandchildren.

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