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Josh has been gone a lot and I keep telling myself it's silly to be sad. He's just right over in Virginia, it's only for a week or two. We've done this for far longer. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. So, I started getting depressed and I tend to binge watch reality TV when that happens. Hoarders sucked me in this time. Then suddenly I realized parallels. I have turned some of my emotions into hoarders. I might not have walls of trash everywhere, but I have a million excuses why I won't allow myself to be sad or why I should be afraid of something or not trust someone. Why I need to keep control. It's all happening in my mind. "This is still good, I can't throw it out... I had plans for it"... and it just hit me like a flash (while I was in the tub, of course). So I wrote about what I felt. Then I stopped thinking myself out of it and let myself be sad and cry about Josh being gone. I feel much much better now. Not depressed at all. S…

Trying to describe what god is to me is like
Trying to remember a dream the moment I awaken
The harder I try, the more it fades
Until I find the balance between conscious and not
Just read the emotions and the glimpses
Without active thought
Then some comes back to me
Enough to understand the message

Or it's like
When a smell brings on a memory
It's never one thing specifically
It's the concept of it, the feelings it contained
I smell and remember the summer of 1992
Grandma's kitchen in Warren
My Dad on a Sunday
My Mom's house at Christmas
I just have to let it wash over me
It's instant and all-consuming
It doesn't run slow like a movie
And it's only mine

That's how god feels to me
It's that glimpse, that memory
So deeply profound and personal
From the innermost folds of my mind
And I can't begin to convey its worth

God isn't an individual or an entity for me
It's an experience, too big to explain, impossible to contain…

Josh and I met because we were destined to meet. We were laughing the other day about our circumstances beforehand. What clueless kids we were! I was pissed off for being assigned to Spanish. I was better than that, capable of far greater challenges, completely devastated by this silly little existence. Josh was re-classed from SERE school (AF special forces) into munitions and he was pissed off for being undervalued and having his talents wasted, devastated by this silly little existence. We thought we were so damned amazing. Of course we had to be together. We had to teach each other lessons about how we fail miserably and how we can succeed. I already knew all these things about myself, but I never recognized their power to destroy or maintain a relationship. Your personality is like a toolbox... if you use the tools correctly you get the job done, but if you try to saw wood with a screwdriver you're in for a lot of pain and frustration.

:: found this in my drafts folder, always thought it was too boring to post it, but I read it and I guess it's been long enough for me to think it's funny lol... life with toddlers is tough!! goes with these little gems ::September, 2010

I was talking with Josh and mentioned my Day in the Life posts. I said there really was no point of doing a day in MY life when it's pretty obvious from the others what I do all day. It would be boring... "you might think it's boring, but the way you write makes it sound exciting"... I love him :) He's so nice lol. Now, normally our days aren't so routined and monotonous, but since we lack transportation we've become little robot hermits here. It's been 5 months since I had a vehicle at home. Most days I go a little crazy with the boredom and lack of spontaneity or adult conversation. Thankfully I have a good friend out here so we hang out a lot or at least talk on the phone almost daily. Thank you, Je…

Yesterday I was reminded of something I noticed about our society quite some time ago. George Takei had posted an article of comics depicting sexism that's thrust upon boys. I agree. I have 3 boys and I see how they are pressured to fit into this macho mold. That's not what I want to talk about though... that moment closed the circle for me.

We started bringing light to how society belittles, stereotypes, bullies, misunderstands, mistreats, and undervalues people a long time ago. It really kicked in with the civil rights movement and feminism in the 60's. Our downtrodden members fought for the understanding and compassion they deserved by sharing their stories, with the intent to draw out our empathy. It worked beautifully, but I feel it created a dangerous side-effect. We became a nation obsessed with victim-hood. Suffering became the barometer by which we measured the value of a person's opinion or worth. If you haven't suffered, we're not listenin…

I spend an inordinate amount of time out in nature and, like Einstein so aptly suggested, it helps me "understand everything better". Lately the lesson I have been shown over and over again is how arrogant we are as humans. For no real reason that I can think of other than our desire to be in control, we write off most of our behaviors to choice. Why?

It makes no sense to think nothing we do (other than suckling) is pre-programmed into our DNA like every other animal and living thing on the planet. Some of the most bizarre and amazing behaviors exist in other living things... like the bowerbird that constructs beautiful works of art to attract a mate (without ever being taught). The poisonous frogs that live in the rainforest that dutifully carry their tadpoles one by one to a specific kind of plant and feeds them until they grow legs. The octopus that starves herself to death for 6 months to protect her eggs. You can watch these and more on Netflix, a great little s…

Taking credit for my art
Would be like claiming control over my height
I just have it, so I do it
You see
The positive aspects, I brush aside
Give them over to chance, god, circumstance
The negative ones, though, they're all mine
I clutch onto them like an addict
My drugs
Obsessing over the parts of me I despise
Imagining control over their creation and demise

I cannot see my value today
I struggle to un-focus my eyes
To see me as a whole
Not just the parts that are broken
Hanging
Dragging
Scraping
Festering
As I try to run from them

If I would just pick them up
Accept them as they are
I could find a way to carry them on
To keep moving
To allow their added weight to strengthen me
God help me

07/11/15
I used to relish my pain
Displayed it like a prize
Framed it, laminated it
Showed it to everyone
Told its story
Like it was my child
It defined me
It excused me
It kept me hidden
And blameless
I was proud of it
Like it made me special
Thought it was conquered
Through experiencing it
This is never the case
So it made me sick
Eventually I saw
I took it down from my walls
And am healing... but...
Sometimes I miss... it's just
It's hard to quit

It's not just a haircut
It's a promise to myself
It's a release
It's me allowing ME
To show myself

It's adopting the attitude
Of the confident, the proud
The artists
The lesbians
The black women
The feminists
The punk rockers
All the defiant women
Who say "we know you don't accept us
But, we accept us
And that's all that matters".
I've admired them for 19 years
I am these women

It's more than a haircut
It's a promise to myself
To stop being a victim
Stop hiding within myself
To unapologetically
And openly
And honestly
Live MY life
Without limits placed by others
Without pressures enforced by others

It's about me letting ME speak
And live
And be
And it scares the shit out of me
But, I'm ready
I can't wait to be free
Be the badass I want to be
I can do it
It's always been in me.