Inner Monologue of a Non-Runner

I am not a runner. I’ve never been a runner. I was a late bloomer from an athletic standpoint, and you could probably argue that as an athlete I never really bloomed at all. This is partly why the sports I ultimately chose did not involve running in excessive amounts. Excessive, by my definition, meaning anything over about 25 yards.

My body fights me when I try to run. Each stride is a colossal effort, but even worse than that is the head game. I’ve tried to pick up running, as if it was as easy as trying out a new knitting pattern (that’s not one of my gifts either, so in my case running may really be easier than knitting), but every time I have failed because I have convinced myself that I wasn’t improving and I would never get there.

Recently, my good friend and Beach Body Coach, Miranda, told me about a new challenge group that was starting up to help people train for a 5K. This has been a goal of mine for so long, I had to give it another try. The challenge group format has been really helpful in encouraging me to be active, so I thought that maybe it could help motivate me to once and for all, tackle a 5K, which in my mind is my own personal Mount Everest. I got started and it’s hard! Maybe you also struggle with winning the head game when you are out running, or maybe you are doing a much better job of chasing down this goal and my ridiculous thoughts will make you feel even better about yourself. Either way is fine. :)

I am a non-runner attempting to be a runner and these are real thoughts that really entered my brain while I was out for a jog.

Disclaimer: They’re not all diamonds.

I kind of feel like I should insert that gdonk, gdonk sound from Law & Order here. Just imagine it in your head.

04:00 I can’t believe two minutes has passed already! I rock! Sing it Bruno Mars! I feel like dance jogging! Is that a thing?

04:15 No, that’s not a thing. That’s not a good idea. Just stick to jogging.

06:00 I’m cruising! I think I can make it a few more minutes. T25 really got me into shape! Shawn T is awesome!

08:00 I’m almost at the park, I think I can keep jogging and get all the way there. Keep going, you can do it!

09:00 I think that woman I just passed is a parent from Olive’s class. What’s her name? Why doesn’t she look like she’s working that hard? How does she make it look like she’s just floating along the sidewalk? I’m not floating, I feel like a parched elephant that just caught sight of water.

10:00 Made it to the park! I just jogged for 8 minutes straight! I’ve never done that! Ever! A little walk will be good.

12:00 Wow, that walk ended fast. Why is this corner of the park always windy?

14:00 This wind is blows….ha ha ha ha! The wind blows!! I wonder if the people that walked past me can hear how heavy I’m breathing? More importantly, did they just hear me laugh at myself out loud?

16:00 How much water did I drink today? I think it was too much…

20:00 Thank God, it’s time to head back to the office. Alright, just a straight shot up the road, I can make it.

24:00 Why do these walks end so fast? Is there something wrong with the settings on my Fitbit? Maybe I’ll just keep walking until that next telephone pole. Then I’ll jog again.

24:20 Aaaaaand, one more telephone pole.

24:30 Crap, I need to get moving. Is this road actually uphill?

25:00 Seriously? That entire 8 minutes that I ran in the beginning was all downhill. No wonder it seemed less difficult than I thought. Damn this is hard.

26:00 Curse you, blasted wind! I am jogging uphill. Into the wind. Why did I think this was a good idea? Who told me this was a good idea? Miranda, that’s who. Miranda is now on my shit list.

28:00 There’s the top of the hill; it looks so far away. Why does anyone choose to torture themselves like this?

28:30 Dear Katy Perry, the only reason that I will be roaring is in pain. Or because I’m on the verge of peeing my pants.

29:00 Slow down, why are you speeding up? This feels terrible. Who cares? Just get to the top of the hill. Pick it up! Faster! Really, how much water did I drink today?