Friday, May 25, 2012

Day 27- My Emancipation from 'Love'

Day 27- My Emancipation from Love

Looking back
upon my relationships, specifically non-platonic relationships, although all
apply, I see how much I have compromised myself for others. Whether it be a
feeling of guilt when doing something ‘for myself,’ or not even doing the thing
at all, out of guilt, or looking into the future and limiting myself and my
options because of a consideration of my partner and where and how they fit in.
I’ve limited my options of what I ‘can’ and ‘can’t’ do, based on, not the actual
person, but my perception of the person, meaning, my beliefs about them, my
ideas and thoughts that I’ve built and manifested as an ‘image’ of the person,
rather than actually considering the actual reality of the person. Or
furthermore, submitting myself to the wants, needs and desires of the other
person, without voicing myself and who I am within how I would like to direct
me and my life.

Continuing
from my last several posts wherein I am taking myself back from ‘love,’ and at
the same time, ‘allowing’ my partner to do the same (I threw a few fits before
the obvious stared me so blankly in the face that I couldn’t NOT stand up from
within the experience (the ‘obvious’ being that I can’t ‘withdraw’ from ‘love’
but still expect my partner to remain the same)), I am continuing here with my
emancipation: the realization that I decide me, even within my relationship.
Mainly, I no longer allow the voice in my head that says, “well, what’s he
going to think? What’s he going to say about that? How’s HE going to feel if
you do that? You shouldn’t do that, it might hurt him,” and so on. This voice
has been dictating me for long enough, and once I stopped blaming him for it, I
realized that it is entirely me, my creation and thus, my responsibility to
SHUT it the FUCK up!

The
self-deception that kept me enslaved to this voice was listening to the
reasoning of my mind- telling me that I was doing it FOR him, out of
consideration, I was doing it because I cared so much, because I ‘loved’ him so
much- these are justifications and excuses which covered up the fact that I
wasn’t facing me and asserting myself and my living out of FEAR, self-interest
and manipulation, creating and maintaining a safe little bubble called
‘relationship’ and ‘love,’ where I rarely risked anything and when I felt bad I
could call on ‘love’ and ‘relationship’ to pick me up. But that ‘pick-me-up’
was really holding me down, sinking deeper and deeper into a mere roll or
character, with only glimpses and glimmers of myself as self-directive of me
and here and there.

Since
Desteni, I have been being and becoming the director of my own life for some
time, but I stayed away from my relationship. I based the majority of my
process around my relationship, and only soooo slowly let it seep in. I wasn’t
ready, and he wasn’t ready; but now here it is, and here we are: the point has
been placed directly in front of us: ‘love’ is a fraud- we have been playing
roles and compromising ourselves, and each other, this entire time-so what are
we, as individuals, going to do with this new understanding? We’ve both done
our own thing, and have had our ups and downs- my recent down has led me to
realize my emancipation from ‘love’- that I don’t have to feel bad anymore, I
don’t have to limit myself, and I can do whatever I choose. I choose of course,
to live for life. To stand with whoever is willing to release themselves from
their own multitude of self-created shackles, and to stand for real freedom,
which is equality (the first step being economic equality). So what I am going to do with the information,
is keep applying myself, despite anything or anyone around me, so that I can
free myself from the self-created
shackles of self-limitation and self-compromise hat exists within
relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
enslave and limit and thus compromise myself to the ideas, perceptions and
beliefs about my partner, which I have created over time through reactions,
backchat, resent, fear, self-judgment and blame, instead of realizing that I
have only ever limited and compromised myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
define my partner based upon my ideas, perceptions and beliefs created from
resent, backchat and blame, instead of considering him as who he really is in
actual reality, which I don’t know, but am willing to discover for the first
time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
participate within and as resent, backchat and blame to/towards another in my
world, instead of realizing all these things are detrimental to me, they
diminish and limit me by allowing me to not take responsibility for myself, as
well as compromise him and his process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe all my partner’s reactions to be true and real and about me, as in, a
statement of who I am. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to go into submission within me, bringing myself down due to fear, and
thus allowing another to define me, instead of asserting myself as who I Am, as
a living statement of Who I Am, with only silence within me and speaking words
as me- asserting myself as Who I Am within and as every word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
limit not only my actions and behaviours, but also my self-direction as what I
will do in my life, within the belief that I needed either approval, or to
convince the other to want to do the same thing, instead of realizing that each
will do what they decide, based on what is best for them, and I will base my
decisions on what’s best for me AND for all, as me, because I can only decide
for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
harbor resent towards another, because I blamed him for the fact that I was
suppressing, limiting and compromising myself, instead of realizing that I was
doing it to myself, as myself, as who I had/have accepted and allowed myself to
become each time I submitted, each time I judged, each time I stopped myself
from speaking/doing/being, slowly over time I created myself as something
less-than who I actually am.

My Fits

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
want/need/desire to leave because I think/believe/perceive it will change my
internal experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
want/need/desire to leave because I don’t want to face me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid
facing me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
want/need/desire to avoid facing standing up alone, without my relationship as
a comfort/safety/security blanket where I can hide from myself and from standing
up because within the perception I have created of ‘relationship,’ everything
is ‘ok.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe that I need another to
stand with me, in a relationship of equality first, before I stand within my
current situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe that I need someone to always ‘be there for me’ as I face
difficult things in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define
getting a job, doing online classes, and creating ’a life’ as difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe/perceive that ‘I have nothing’ if I don’t have a ‘perfect
relationship’ (as I have defined it on my
terms) with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
compromise myself in order to appease another, and to portray myself in a
certain light, due to my fear of not being accepted, instead of accepting
myself as I am despite the opinions and beliefs of those around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
want/need/desire to be ‘right,’ instead of seeing, understanding and facing
what it is I am resisting/resistant to/towards.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist
applying myself in my own life and justifying it by using the excuse that the
relationship has to work first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be
embarrassed because I argued self-dishonestly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue
for my limitations within justifying and validating my resistances, and then
experiencing embarrassment because I built the idea perception or belief that I
am right, I have the answers and thus the solutions should be reached on ‘my
terms.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel
anyone ‘owes’ me because of all the compromising I have done ‘for the
relationship’, which was really all about me, and the dependence I had on the
comfort and security of the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to
leave the relationship to avoid facing me within the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe/perceive that everything is being done out of spite, instead of
realizing that this just means that I allow spite within and as me, and thus
project it on to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
participate in spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed spite to
exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project
myself as spite on to another in an attempt to figure out the actions/words of
another, instead of realizing that I can only ever figure out my starting point
within my actions and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
blame myself for the behavior of another towards me, and then compromised and
punished myself for it, by further suppressing, submitting and devaluing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
immediately blame myself when something ‘feels’ wrong, by
thinking/believing/perceiving that ‘I’m bad,” instead of investigating through
writing, to see where I need to stand and where I need to check my ego and
manipulation tactics.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to
leave a relationship to be able to do what I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe/perceive that I have to leave in order to be able to do what I have
to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe/perceive I need to ask permission and make sure it’ ok before I
do something for me, or to put myself first, or exercise self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on
to who my partner ‘used to be,’ or the idea
I created of who he is/was, and then projecting that into the future, instead
of looking at the reality of the situation in the moment, from moment to moment,
and directing myself within each moment with self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself
to realize that to take complete self-responsibility in every moment allows me
to see the reality of the situation, and what need to be said and done more
clearly.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to
see/realize/understand that I am only dealing with my own mind within my
internal reactions of thoughts/ideas/reactions/beliefs, and therefore, only
absolute self-responsibility can get me through while standing stable, as well
as stop me from abusing myself and my partner.

When and as I see that I am limiting or compromising myself
within and as fear of the reactions of another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring
myself back to the moment within the realization that only self-honesty in the
moment will allow me to walk without compromising myself and the other, and
will thus then lead to solutions to the problems we have I have been accepting
and allowing myself to cycle through, over and over, my whole life.

I commit myself to live the realization that I determine and
decide me, and no one else can do that for me.

I commit myself to assert myself in every moment, and I
commit myself to admit that I ‘m wrong when I know I am wrong, and to take
responsibility for myself within being wrong, by stopping the behavior/idea/perception/belief,
and changing.

1 comment:

About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.