she is fed up!

A friend of mine has been married for the past 23 years. Her husband is very unfaithful to her, he even tries to beat her and is not performing the roles of a husband e.g refuse to support his family. He is asking for forgiveness yet doing the same thing, what advise will you give to her should she devorce him even though she loves him or endure the hardship. note carefully they are SDA members

Replies to This Discussion

His words don't have meaning if they are not followed by action.
Maybe not divorce, but definitely separation until words Are followed by action, CONSISTENTLY.
Otherwise I would be telling my spouse, it's all right for you to treat me like this, because I'm not worth much in my own eyes either. So you enable the behavior, and it doesn't change.

Note carefully, first counselling or family therapy for the children are also (if there are any) part of the 'abuse'. If he refused to partake in any form of counselling or therapy, then that's a answer of him not being interested in saving the marriage. Then the marriage is already gone and she can't separate from him. Divorce is only recommended if there is adultery. See our lessonstudy for this week.

Now I know my answer may ruffle a few feather but I have to speak what is on my mind.

The couple has been together for 23 years with the wife being in an almost abusive situation. Now tell me honestly how many of your would like that for yourselves and then tell me honestly how many of you think God would want us to remain in that kind of relationship.

I have to do further research but in the book of Romans/Corrinthians there is grounds for divorce and the main one is ADULTERY. The man has been unfaithful continuously and constantly says sorry..he does not mean it..he knows that he can do it whenever he wants and she will always take him back so he will continue to do and if he tries to beat her maybe one day he will get it done.

That sounds to me like a very disrespectful man ad she deserves better she is the child of a King. If she does not want to divorce him..she should separate from him..If they have children they are witnessing their mother taking crap from their dad....which could end in a number of ways...the girls can grow up and allow men to treat them the same way...or the children can become disrespectful of and to her for not stading up to her husband....

I know I might seem harsh but i'm tired seeing married unhappy SDA women in this situation and the guys just goin along as if....

That is just my two cents worth...I will pray for your friend and her family...you should add her to the pray forum and trust me they will pray for her.....

OK this is a serious issue, personally I think 23 years is quite a lot!, It all depends how it started background check has to be done, was the man an SDA before they tied the knot or he was just converted?

I think if the guy has been unfaithful and the lady on her part has been faithful, I don't think the Lord is happy with that kind of relationship. If Someone cheats once and is sorry, then it's understandable things happen, but if it becomes a habit mixed with some highest order of secrecy then she should definitely walk away. There are kids involved in here, but i presume they are old enough to see what's going on and kids need to grow up in an atmosphere which gives Glory to the Lord.
Kids growing up in an environment of an abusive husband isn't tolerable or else it affects their mindset and grow up to be violent.
There's no relationship where they are no quarrels/ disagreements, but then they should be handled in the most mature way possible mingled with the love of Christ.

The lady has played her role, she has forgiven the guy countless times, but the guy still does the samething, he is rubishing a creature worthy of love. I totally agree with separation but not divorce.

When a problem arises two people are involved and blame can never fall entirely on one person. But from my analysis it looks as if the man wasn't an SDA before and he still has the world plugged in him, he needs God's saving grace. Fervent prayer both on the part of the wife and the church is the first solution believing and trusting the Lord's will be done. During that time of prayer and re-examining of their lives the lady should be definitely separated from the husband and staying at a different location with the kids.

God is the only one to initiate and progress change in an individual, however much you say, I'll change without the backing of the HolyGhost, definitely you can't change. On the same note, it's evident that brother isn't a prayer warrior, and it's manifested by his outward character. When you spend more time with the Lord, the less it is to cheat on your spouse because when you are about to fall, the Spirit makes you remember the vows you made.

I've learnt in this world that, one can't force a relationship to work If it's not the Lord's will. They will either betray you, or even cheat like in this case. So for the problem to be solved the Church has to start from the root, how they knew each other, their previous background and how they ended up getting married.

SDA men most of them are loving, but what's important in making a union of marriage is the roots, how you met, religious background and past behavior of the parties involved. Hasty premature marriages always end up in hurt, only to find out that he/she wasn't the person you were supposed to be with and you either find out when they have been unfaithful in marriage, abuse and negligence of family duties.

Mmmmm. Some very interesting beat around the bush repsonses here. God made us women creatures to be loved and cherished. Marriage is supposed to be a sacred thing that brings out the best in you. Is there anyoone who would be happy to know that their sister, best friend, cousin, etc was a punch bag for 23 years and think it acceptable? Was it acceptable for the first year? week? day? She has every right to divorce her husband, God gave her permission to do so. He is a repeat offender and obviously doesn't have the love, commitment etc that it takes to make a marriage work. In fact from the moment he placed his hand on her, he ceased to see her as his wife. She can walk away with a clear conscious.

I ask myself:
* What love got to do with it
* Where is the love in relationships like this
* What is the fear she has to end this.

Love doesn’t abuse
And love can not accept an abusive character
How can you keep on loving someone who abuses you over and over again?

If she was my friend I would tell her not to feed her “husband” miss behavior and call it love.
It is even disgusting for a grown up person to ask forgiveness and yet doing the same thing. This is not a 4 year old kid. Remember this quote of Jesus, your sins are forgiven, go and sin no more.
Life here is precious and too short to endure this abuse.
Find your strength in God’s word and value yourself more.

There's still hope. God can fix that man. If it's His will he'll change but if it wasn't meant to be even after 23 years, that's what we call a mistake and we learn through mistakes.
Divorce isn't from above, but separation can work. After 23years I'm convinced she has had enough of men and now she'd be happy to live with her kids and focus to the soon return of Christ other than going through divorce and put yourself on market again only to risk your heart to hurt.

The Lord didn't desire for people to date and break up, or get married and divorce. Our God isn't a God of trying out things. He is a complete and final God, His word changes not.

We date the wrong people, because we put our feelings ahead other than the small still voice of the Lord of waiting upon His will.
I think each of us here has at some point gone through a break-up or some kind of separation. It just shows that right from the beginning God hadn't blessed it, unless the Lord wants us to be like Hosea.

After 23 years she can separate and spell out the reasons of separation. That's what I'd tell my sister or my close friend in this situation but these are examples for us and we should learn to always wait for God's will no matter the age, even Sarah gave birth at old age, Amen?

Sammy it would be nice if all of life was so black and white. Abusive spouses know the kind of partner they seek. They look for a particular type of woman, they know jolly well that there are women out there who after the the first blow, he the man would be in the emergency room!! Secondly, some men don't start to abuse until after the wedding. Sure God can 'fix' this man, but does she have to wait around until he decides he needs to fixed? wants to be fixed?
Dating is about getting to know someone whom you are interested in with a view to marriage. So if you date someone and you realise that there are incompatibility issues or that you are not suited to each other then of course you break up. Im not sure what you mean by God didnt mean us to date. I agree that in biblical days the weddings were arranged by parents so there was no place or need for dating. I do however agree that God really didnt want us to be divorcing each other