Becoming a Peaceful Mom: Through Every Season of Raising Your Child

Summary

Are stress and feelings of inadequacy your constant companions?

Peaceful mom. It hardly seems that the words could go together. Yet the peace we crave can be ours in every season of raising children. Whether you have teenagers or toddlers, being a mom is a daunting and amazing responsibility. And it's a part of God's design for you.

You are deeply loved by God. Draw from the well of a relationship with him--even if it's a new well--to sift through all that the world plops in your path. Learn to partner with him. Grow stronger and more confident and begin to see your self the way God sees you--as a woman, as a mom, and as his child.

Be encouraged and motivated through prayer and dialogue examples, personal stories, and scripture applications. Consider your approach to being a mom, making commitments, and the power of forgiveness. Discover how God works through you to raise and shape your children, as you learn and grow with a peace that is truly beyond understanding.

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Becoming a Peaceful Mom - Teresa deBorde Glenn

Part One

Define Your Ordinary

1

We Need Answers

If I just had a few minutes of peace! Why is it so evasive? Maybe I don’t really understand what peace is . . .

At my wit’s end, I reached for an old children’s dictionary on the bookcase. An elementary definition is all my frazzled mind can absorb. One definition described peace as quiet or calm. I laughed out loud when I read the sentence example: "He lived alone in the mountains and enjoyed peace of mind." If I lived alone in the mountains, I would probably have peace of mind too!

Some days run smoothly, but others feel so chaotic. Who doesn’t daydream about having a few hours alone? I want to experience being peaceful—at home with my kids. There has to be a way.

Illusions of a quick fix seduce us: I’ll be a different person when . . . Things will settle down around here when . . . Life would be simpler if . . . We are convinced that a change (or two) within our circumstances—employing a cleaning service, finishing a home project, finding a less demanding job, or placing our children in a few more programs—is the key to a more calm and self-controlled me. Unfortunately, changes like these only temporarily convey the peace we crave.

How do we become and remain a peaceful mom? In the midst of the noisy chatter and unpredictable moments that each day surely brings, we can experience peace daily, and it won’t cost us a dime. The source of this anchoring peace is God.

Say Goodbye

What was I thinking? Don’t get me wrong; I love being a mom . . . but I had no idea it would be this hard. My friend, a mother of four, unloaded feelings common to many moms. Being a mom is amazing—and amazingly hard. An entirely new, ever-evolving dimension to how we see and know ourself is triggered.

Some of us dreamed about being a mom and having several kids. Now we have them, and it’s not at all what we had imagined! Reality has set in: Being the mom is not like babysitting or being the fun aunt. We keep the children all the time—there is no hand-off! We feel unprepared and sometimes paralyzed with self-doubt.

Homebound or schedule-bound due to our child’s needs, we try to adjust to the loss of personal freedom:

• Going to the store: It takes twice as long to pull everything and everyone together, just to get out the door.

• At the store: Shopping is a team event and a fuller experience. Now it includes teaching, pacifying, maybe correcting, and finding roaming children.

• If we are employed: Our personal time before and after work has become a time to process and plan family-oriented matters.

• Meeting a friend for lunch or going out with our husband: It takes twice as long to find an open date and costs twice as much to go—that is, if we find a babysitter.

• If we have left a career or job we enjoyed: We miss the relationships, the intellectual stimulation, and perhaps an aspect of personal identity.

Whatever our adjustment is, life as we knew it has changed. Unfortunately, many of us don’t process this fact. We add on this big change, try to resume a prior rhythm, and move forward, sort of.

Big change is worth marking to identify what is different, how we feel about it, and how to wisely move forward.

My husband and I were thrilled to learn I was pregnant. After much discussion and prayer, we agreed I would leave my career and stay home once the baby came. As much as I enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom, I missed teaching. I did not realize how daily tangible rewards like interaction with faculty, a clearly defined purpose, and evidence of fruit from my efforts impacted me. My mood swung up as I delighted in my baby boy and swung down when I missed the classroom and all that it represented.

Tired of weekly highs and lows, I realized it was time to mark a season’s end—to say good-bye to a former lifestyle. I marked my big change through a prayer. First, I thanked God for all the years and memories I cherished as a teacher. Next, I identified what I missed about it and released these things and that season to him to mark its end. To mark my new beginning, I thanked God for the opportunity to be a mom and to stay at home. I asked him to fill the voids created from leaving my job and to teach me how to live into this big change. For the next three years, as each new school year began, I felt a pull on my heart to return to the classroom. When I gave my feelings to God, the pull lessened. Peace and clarity of purpose for being home increased.

Practice: Mark Change

1. Thank God for the season that is ending.

2. Identify what you will miss.

3. Release these things and release the season to God.

4. Thank God for the new opportunity he is presenting.

5. Ask God to fill all voids if/when you feel them.

6. Invite God to lead you forward.

Ironically, ten years later, I returned to full-time employment. I took time to recognize that my season as a stay-at-home mom had ended. With a mixture of sadness, gratitude, and anticipation for what this big change might be like, I released that season to God. At times, we will realize that life has changed. The sooner we let go or say good-bye to the way life was and welcome God’s design for raising our children, the sooner we can embrace and enjoy our new season as women who are moms.

Discovery Overload

From day one as a mom and as our family grows, new dimensions of our character unfold. We identify strengths and weaknesses. We discover qualities in our personality that we never knew were there. For instance, we’re more animated than we imagined or not as patient as we assumed.

At the same time, our child learns about himself, experiencing many firsts in an ever-changing environment as he grows up. From the time he’s a baby, he trusts us, as he opens his mouth to have all kinds of flavors and textures put in. He discovers the parts of his body and what they do. He tries to learn to make his mouth form words and assumes that we can understand him. As he enters various environments, he adjusts to verbal boundaries like Yes, you can or No, don’t touch that, and he learns to interpret our facial expressions and voice tones. He continues to meet people in our extended family, neighborhood, church, school, and the surrounding community. And as he meets peers, he observes them, their behavior, and their parental relationships.

As we take our child places, introduce him to more people, and mingle with other parents, we realize we need to devise and periodically evaluate defined expectations for our child—rules, manners, and anything else we think he needs to learn. Then we have to figure out how we are going to teach these things. As the child receives our instruction, he decides what to do with what he is taught. Sometimes he listens; sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes he obeys; sometimes he doesn’t. This relational process continues through his teen years.

Are you tired yet?!

If you’re overwhelmed by the current season with your child or feel the burden of the complexities ahead, you are not alone. Feeling inadequate is a familiar trait among the sisterhood of mothers.

He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it (1 Thessalonians 5:24). This is good news. God has purposes that he wants to accomplish through us. He is with us, for us, and he will do it.

See Our Need

Our parenting efforts evolve from a conglomeration of the methods of our parents, our friends, what we read, hear, and observe, and our own ideas. Perhaps we pray for our kids or ourselves regularly. More often desperation or discouragement catalyzes prayer from the reverberating pain in our heart.

Many of us unintentionally compartmentalize our relationship with God. He wants our relationship with him to permeate every aspect of how we live. Specifically as mothers, he wants us to partner with him as we raise our children.

When I am overwhelmed or disheartened, I claim what I know is true: Our Creator knows my capabilities, and with all-knowing confidence he gave me the responsibility of being a mother. This rekindles my conviction to live into God’s confidence in me, rather than trying to muster self-confidence. On occasion, wearily yet resolutely I pray aloud in my house: God, you believe in me. You believe I can do this, with your help. Help me trust you.

Consider this scenario: Knowing my five-year-old daughter’s capabilities, I call her to swim across the pool to me. She is anxious, hesitant, lacks self-confidence, yet she trusts me. By experience, she knows that I love her and only challenge her when I believe she can succeed. Because of her trust in me, she dives in and strives to accomplish what I have called her to do. Her resolve is buoyed by my presence and encouragement.

Likewise, God wants us to trust him and his confidence in us. He has given us a high calling—to raise his children, with love and discipline. He knows that we can do this well if we choose to depend on him. This decision of dependence is a step of humility as we acknowledge our insufficiency and surrender to his all-sufficiency.

God has a course for our relationship with each of our children, which is intended to bless him, them, and us.

Surrender Is A Strength

One afternoon I was overwhelmed by my inadequacies, discouraged by my seeming failures as a mom, and exhausted physically and emotionally. I collapsed to the sofa crying, and vented: God, I am so frustrated! Nothing seems to be working. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything right. I keep messing up as a mom, and I feel like a disappointment to you.

After I emptied my heart and had a good cry, I sat subdued in silence—and clarity came. It dawned on me how I contribute to my exhaustion and experience of discouragement: Most days I try to be and do what I think a mom should be and do—without asking God to teach me, much less help me. I try to mold my children according to my goals, employing every ounce of my mental, emotional, and physical energy.

Humbled, I saw my pride. God, I repent of my pride. I’m sorry for not inviting you to lead and help me. I need you. What a relief to unload these thoughts and emotions to him, to know he forgives me, and to be able to start over—following God.

In those few minutes, my circumstance with the children did not change, but I felt like God was glad that I stopped and cried out to him. Focus on my failure shifted to hope in God. My perspective changed: I’m a mother for God. Therefore, I want to do this his way, with him. I recognize that I can’t do this on my own; I need him.

All of this took only a few minutes. God knows how little time a mom has to be still, much less alone! From time to time, I pray this prayer when I recognize that my attitude is out of whack and I need to recommit my heart’s path to God.

Practice: Prayer of Surrender and Dedication

1. Surrender each child by name to God:

God, I give you _______. She is your child whom you have given me for a season.

2. Claim and dedicate your relationship with each child to the God:

God, I claim my relationship with _______ for you. I dedicate this relationship to you. I want our relationship and how I parent ______ to glorify you. Amen.

Life circumstances will challenge our family. God hopes we will look to him for the way through. Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure (Philippians 2:12–13). You are God’s Beloved. Yield to his love and leadership.

In our culture, self-sufficiency is an ideal. If we make our own decisions, take care of ourself, and don’t need anyone for anything, then we feel strong. God’s kingdom on earth has an opposite ideal: All our needs are met in God. He wants us to seek his guidance for all decisions, to depend on him to take care of us, and to know we need him. In order to live this way, we need to surrender or release to God what we want to do—and then trust and obey him.

Surrender is really hard. Like all hard things, the more we practice, the better we get at it. Opportunity to practice occurs all day long. We lay down our preferred way for his: God, I surrender ________ to you. Please help me discern and follow your way.

Once we recognize surrender as a strength, desire to practice relying on God increases. It’s humbling how quickly we can put ourself in the driver’s seat with themes like training and correction methods, making plans, and relational issues. Sometimes our independent strategy works, but often we leave a trail of circumstances that needs to be rectified. Pray for grace and