This morning, after I drug myself out of bed and hoped in the shower, I noticed something setting on the bath tub ledge…I tried to ignore it, I wanted to ignore…but it just kept staring at me…a lotion bottle…A lotion bottle that’s not mine…it is though a familiar lotion bottle…it belongs to J…J had lotion in the shower with him this morning…why?? Maybe I shouldn’t be considered, but I am…call me scarred. Maybe I should tell you some history as to why I’m so worried…

My ex was addicted to sex…not sex with me, just sex and anything having to do with it…specifically porn, but not just that…he liked to experiment and do things that I would never ever even in my craziest dreams have thought of…I really liked porno though, he was addicted…especially to teen pornography, girls about 12-16…I didn’t know all of this when we first got married (hopefully that’s a duh moment…any woman who knew that, what not willingly tie herself to a man for the rest of her life)…All the evidence was probably there… just didn’t see it…When I found out about it…I was hurt and devastated to say the least…

The ex NEVER locked our doors…use to drive me nuts…I’m paranoid…I ALWAYS lock the front door…but he never did…so when I’d come home from work and go to open the apartment door and it was locked…I almost knew that it was because he was looking at porn, and by locking the door that gave him a few extra seconds to get it off the computer before I walked in…What really hurt was that it was never that he wanted me…I mean, he had sex with me, but…he never seemed happy with it…I would have done almost anything to make him happy…to feel like I satisfied him…in fact, I did try a lot of stuff that I wasn’t comfortable with…the first being oral sex…I was NEVER comfortable that…that creepy little snake like thing staring at you…and you want me to put that in my mouth?? This, for the girl who can’t even stomach eating a hamburger…or yogurt…meat and creamy white stuff just don’t belong in my mouth…but I tried…I did… tried…I tried several times, and one time he used his hand and pressed my head down into his lap more…I freaked out and he never ever got to have me try that again…

He asked me one time if I’d shave my vagina…hmm…what on earth was I thinking…I was crazy enough to do it…turns out several months later, I found out why he wanted me to do that…because then it would seem like I was a teenage girl…you want to talk about trying to traumatize a woman, that’ll do it, being 20 and having your husband want a younger person…because I wasn’t as experimental as he would have liked (although much more so, than I would have liked) he like to masturbate…a lot…my lotion bottle (ahhh…now you’re seeing the link…) my lotion bottle would randomly end up by the computer…or near the bed…one morningI woke up and the bed was kind of shaking a little…I didn’t turn over, because I could hear what he was doing…he was masturbating, lying right beside me…now a normal man, who woke up and was in the mood…would nudge his woman and be like “hey honey you up for a round…” or something to that effect…anything to that effect would have been nice…but no…he was masturbating while I was lying beside him…I got up, got dressed and left the house…I didn’t know what to do, I was hurt, devastated, disgusted and really just couldn’t stand to look at him…I couldn’t believe he had done that…I couldn’t believe I had married a man who had done that.

So, back to my original question…should I be worried that there was a lotion bottle in the shower this morning?? I could always ask J, but…is he going to think I’m a paranoid freak?? Besides, how do you even approach that topic…especially considering…well, considering he hasn’t really been interested in sexually stuff lately…which, is worrisome in itself…when we first started dating…we pretty much “went at it” 2 out of 3 nights…the third night we were so exhausted we fell asleep in each others arms by 9…then, we went to only having relations on weekends…we were too crazy and busy and tired during the week…but even then it was 2 or 3 times a weekend…then it went to once a weekend and now it’s to about 2 times a month…and some months it’s only once…now I understand that couples aren’t as “hot” about each other after a year or so…that’s fine, I get that…and I understand that he’s 42 and so his sex drive is a little lower…understand, but 1 time a month?? Am I supposed to be happy with that?? Maybe it’s the marijuana…that can lower your sex drive, right? Maybe…The craziest part is…is I know it’s not porno, and that he’s not attracted to me (although try telling me that at 12 at night when he’s, ever so politely turned me down, again.)…I know he loves me, but…I just…it’s frustrating!!!! He’s never been one to masturbate, as far as I’m aware…of course he lied to me about the marijuana thing…but that was different…kind of…okay, I’m doing it again, rambling and having crazy thoughts…but the no sex thing, is really really starting to get to me…

One little lighter side of life thing…this picture really cheered me up today when I found it on another blog…so I thought I’d share…besides, if you don’t make light of the situtation…it could kill ya.