Archive for the Strange Creature Category

“Kill! Me? Oh you are priceless, brat! I am eternal, child. I am the eater of worlds, and of children. And you are next!” Ah yes, the soothing words of our most feared clown foe still drive terror into today’s generation, and the Unholy Cathedral is opening its doors for the modern take on Stephen King’s classic. To those of you new to the blog, welcome. And to my Deadites, welcome back! Fall is creeeeeping up on us, and that means the scares and frights are abound. I’m declaring it. It’s officially Halloween season! And what better way to kick it off with the movie that just had the most successful opening weekend for a horror movie in history!

When I think back, it’s probably been 15 years since I’ve seen the original It, and honestly I only remembered the key points. And that’s a bit of a travesty, given Stephen King’s propensity toward details and character development. Pennywise is one of those characters that’s recognized far and wide, but at the same time might still be underappreciated. And I admit, when I first saw the reveal of what the “new gen” of Pennywise would look like, I was a bit skeptical. But that was quickly thrown out the window when I saw trailers, and for the first time in a while, I was genuinely excited for a new horror movie. Then the strong reviews came, and I knew I had to see this over the weekend. So grab some popcorn, and a nice b-b-b-balloon, and let’s float right in.

In the small town of Derry, a group of outcast children are preparing for the summer. It’s been months since Bill’s younger brother Georgie disappeared, but he’s refusing to give up searching, despite the suffering it’s bringing to his parents. Beverly has troubles of her own, both at school and at home, and is in need of a safe place. But she inadvertently becomes a beacon of hope to Ben, the new kid in school. As it happens, summer brings these kids and others together, where they soon realize that the school bully isn’t the biggest of their problems… It seems like there’s something more sinister in this small town, and more and more children are disappearing…

Let’s descend into the sewers, and take A Closer Look.

Villain: Pennywise, a sewer-dwelling clown-monster-thing that’s just up to no damn good. The sewer clowns are the ones you really gotta look out for, guys. Tell your friends.

How Do I Stop It?: Weellllll here’s the thing. The good news is, this guy isn’t around too often. The bad news is, he’s a pretty tough cookie. I recommend just getting the hell out of Derry, if you do encounter this guy. At a bare minimum, keep some sharp weapons on hand. In fact, just do that anyway. All the time. Well, maybe not. You get it.

Lessons Learned: It’s hard to knock these kids for being dumb. After all, they’re kids. But holy crap, there’s a time and a place to be tough. There’s ALSO a time and place where maaaaybe you should tell your parents that there’s a kid using knives on kids at school. But overall, I’m gonna throw some props to these kids, and also give them some balls. Because they’ve got gusto. Here are the props, and the balls. Also, I really played with fire there, when I image searched “balls.” I’m calling this a win.

Who Do I Watch With?: I’m the first to admit, normally this part of the blog is completely pointless. But this time I think I actually learned something. You see, last night I was in a PACKED theater. Normally less than ideal, but everyone was well-behaved, so it was fine. But, on the way out, I had a group of high-schoolers behind me, who I’m sure were thinking this was their chance to see the movie that their parents have said was super scary when they were younger. And I overheard them talking about it, and the general vibe was along the lines of “Ehh, it was really slow, and I was just laughing all the time.” There’s one of two lessons here.. either this movie isn’t for everyone, or teenagers just don’t appreciate good films. Or they just don’t want to admit they got scared. I guess that’s 3. Either way, leave the high schoolers at home.

Movie Trivia: Wow… normally the Trivia section on IMDB only has one or two interesting things, but there’s a LOT of cool stuff on there for this movie. I recommend checking out the full list, but only after you’ve seen it. But I think one of the first entries is my favorite:

There are some scenes where Pennywise’s eyes divert in different directions. Originally the director had intended to accomplish this with CGI, but Bill Skarsgård (the actor portraying Pennywise) demonstrated he could do it on his own. And when I read this, I couldn’t believe it. That’s messed up/really impressive.

Okay. Time to get into the deepest part of this well. Rating the Flick

Villain: 10/10. Soooo good. So good. You guys. Skarsgård freaking nails it. Every part of this character was great. From the various facades of Pennywise, to his comical, yet terrifying rendition, this is really great stuff.

Scare Factor: 5/10*** I’ll throw a disclaimer out there here. Clowns don’t really scare me too much. But even with that said, I don’t think this movie is trying to scare the life out of you. It’s just a good, creepy movie, with some decent scares along the way.

Gore Rating: Moderately Bloody Machete (3/5)

When I first thought about this, I was going to go lower, but there are a few pretty graphic scenes in this flick, so consider yourself warned, if you’re squeamish.

Overall Rating: 5/5 Red Balloons

A rare perfect score, but I think this film deserves it. I’m seriously considering paying to see it again in theaters. It’s silly. It’s fun. It’s CREEPY. There’s some really dark themes explored throughout this movie, and we quickly realize that there’s more than one bad guy in Derry. With all that conflict, and a creep-ass clown on the loose, it makes for quite the tale, and I’d say this one was executed masterfully. Really strong flick, in my opinion. This might not be the reaction for everyone, but for this blogger, it hits a really high note. I strongly urge you, if you’re even considering seeing It, to see it before it leaves theaters. It’s worth the admission ticket. No pun intended.

So that’ll wrap up this review of It. I want to throw a shout-out to one of my fellow bloggers, the Lippkromancer, and his wife (the Jamekromancer? Jamityville Horror? Let’s work on this), on their new arrival! And hello to my new youngest Deadite! Years from now, he can look back at this review, and say, “Man that guy is full of beans.” But at least he’ll have it. Also, keep your eyes peeled, because this looks like it could be a strong season for horror movies. Anybody looking forward to any movies in particular? Leave a note in the comments! Also, now is the PERFECT time to recommend this blog to a friend, because you have my word… I’m going to be very active this season. And if you’re new, be sure to “Unleash Hell” on the top left, so my updates go straight to your e-mail! Let’s get some new Deadites! And go check out It, in theaters now.

*creeeeeaaaaakk* Oh hello there. Please do come in. For those of you who have been here before, welcome once again to The Unholy Cathedral. But I have at least one new follower since last time, so if this is your first jaunt into the darkness, I hope your stay is pleasant… or rotten, as it were. Today we’re talking about Midnight Meat Train, a film based on a short story by Clive Barker (of Hellraiser fame, amongst others). I’d heard about this for a while, and saw that it was available on Netflix, so I gave it a.. stream? I stream blasted the hell out of it? I’m accepting ideas for new idioms referring to watching a movie. Let’s get into this before this Meat Train really goes off the rails.

A year before Bradley Cooper was in Zach Galifianakis’ Wolfpack in The Hangover, he was playing a man named Leon, who’s an aspiring photographer in New York. And like many photographers, they’re really trying to capture the gritty side of the city. You know, the parts with all the Nets fans. But he’s challenged by a successful artist to provide some photographs for her gallery, and slowly he uncovers a pattern of missing people. They’re all along a certain subway line. And as he digs further, he keeps encountering a strange man… Only one thing to do in this case. Stalk him! What could possibly go wrong?

How Do I Stop Him?: Well, the best advice I can give here is to avoid riding subways by yourself late at night. Nothing good is coming from that. It’s going to take you a long time to get where you’re going, you’re only going to meet the ultra-weirdos, and you’ll probably step in a bodily fluid of some sort along the way. But should you encounter this guy, just keep your eyes on him, don’t let him sneak up on you, and hopefully you brought a weapon to defend yourself.

Lessons Learned: The police, people. They work. I know, there’s the whole brutality thing. Whatever. But come on. If you’re tracking a dude who’s literally making people disappear, maybe you should take a step back and think things through. Also.. see the stuff above about subways. Also Subway restaurants. Jared Fogel, am I right?

Who Do I Watch With?: Here’s the thing. This is kind of a weird one. But it also has Bradley Cooper, who I’m given to understand is liked by the ladies. So I guess find a weird chick. That may apply to all movies though.

Movie Trivia: In Silver Linings Playbook, Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence walk past a movie theater playing Midnight Meat Train. Also, this film’s opening in theaters was limited to only 102 “dollar” theaters, which was a major factor in its poor box office performance. And that’s the ONLY reason, trust me.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 6/10. Simple. Elegant. Effective. Nuprin. I liked the mystery behind our bad guy, and his motives aren’t really known… at least for a while. An interesting character, but there’s still room for improvement.

Scare Factor: 4/10. Certainly not the scariest thing I’ve seen. There’s some suspense, and there’s a predominant dark tone to the movie, but in terms of actual scares, they’re pretty rare. The ending is pretty interesting though..

Gore Rating: Very Bloody Machete (4/5)

A movie named Midnight Meat Train almost needs to have plenty of blood and guts, and I’d say it delivers. If blood makes you cringe, you might want to stay away from this train.

Overall Rating: 2.5 Meatball Subs

See what I did there? 😀 😀 I admit, it’s not my best work. But this is why I’m on the WordPress express, kiddos. Anyway, Midnight Meat Train lands somewhere in the middle for me. I liked the overall idea, and on paper it’s really cool. But there were parts of the movie that seemed a little forced to me, and the ending was kind of out there. But Vinnie Jones (who I recently learned played in the English Premier League) delivers a solid performance per usual, and I wasn’t entirely disappointed. If you’re a fan of horror, and looking for something a little less mainstream than your normal movies, this might be the one for you. So feel free to Netflix this so hard. Or… Roku your face off? Really need to work on that.

That’ll wrap this review up. Can I ask a favor though? I’m going to try to keep this blog going, but I want to see how big we can get this thing. Do me a favor and tell ONE person about this blog. A simple request, and maybe it’ll lead to more followers. I’m always looking for new fans (and suggestions). A friend literally told me 3 times in a row that I should see Alien: Covenant this weekend, but we’ll see whether or not that happens. I’m admittedly a little disappointed with the horror offerings lately. There’s not much that’s really catching my eye, other than It! Which, if you haven’t seen that trailer… well… I’ll just post it here for your enjoyment (for those reading in e-mail, you’ll have to go to the site for the video–deal with it).

Holy crap. Madness is ensuing, loyal followers. Some creep job by the name of Count Sackula kidnapped me and had me locked in a torture device for a while. I convinced him to let me go, but only after I agreed to let him take over my blog for the day. So, without further ado, let’s see a new face of Unholiness.

Intruders

Alright creeps, I’ve been meaning to do this for quite some time now. Since the Unholy Cathedral started I’ve always looked forward to the reviews; many of them have pointed out things in horror movies that I never noticed before and helped my appreciation develop. I have decided to attempt to write my own review on a movie, one that hadn’t been reviewed by his Unholiness yet. So here is an amateur’s take on Intruders…

After a busy weekend my lady and I decided we wanted to kick back on Sunday night and watch a movie. To my surprise she insisted we get a scary one, so with the Netflix arsenal looking pretty lame I dialed into the local Redbox and we came upon Intruders. Clive Owen? Alright, he’s in some pretty awesome movies. The boogeyman?? Definitely have not seen a good film on this sleep-inhibiting bastard in awhile. Sold.

Intruders bounces back and forth between two story lines that parallel each other, both with the same general theme. A boy in Mexico and a girl in England are writing eerily similar scary stories about a monster called Hollowface who stalks children while they sleep and steals them in the night and brings them to his lair, where he plans to keep them and rip their face off to take for his own. As their stories develop, they begin to come reality, and they find themselves and their parents are under physical and mental attacks by this faceless, relentless demonoid. Later it is apparent how related the stories actually are, and they get twisted together.

I gotta say, I expected a lot more out of this film. Yours truly (in my younger years) was not a big fan of looking in my closet after dark in fear of the boogeyman, so I was pretty pumped for an R rated horror movie on this dude. Pretty sure the only reason this movie was even rated R was because they said the f-word a couple of times and showed some boobies. Now while I appreciate that, with an R rating on a horror movie I expect a lot more in terms of graphicness, awful images, and genuinely scary material. But, no. Not this time.

Welp, let’s open the closet for A Closer Look

Villain: Hollowface, who most people commonly refer to as the boogeyman. He hides in the shadows of children’s rooms to steal or possess them at night.

How Do I Kill Them?: This one, actually is pretty simple. If you can write a paragraph, you do away with this sleep deprivator. If you’re not literate, you’re probably going to have to take some classes to handle this problem. Stay in school, kids.

Lessons Learned: First of all, never follow a cat. They are Satan’s beasts and both of these kids followed a cat before anything began happening to them. Just get a dog. The other lesson learned would be not to plagiarize. Cheating on school assignments had pretty bad consequences for one of these children…

Who Do I Watch With?: Probably not a small child. While it terms of overall scariness its pretty lame, the idea of a faceless monster hiding in your closet who can beat your dad up and wants to rip your face off probably isn’t good to instill in a young child. Unless of course it’s not your kid…. Cause it’s not your problem if they’re not sleeping. But anyone else would be fine to watch this flick with.

Rating the Flick

Scare Factor: 4/10

If they got one thing right in this movie, it’s the music. It’s very creepy. The credit song is probably the creepiest one, they should have used it earlier in my opinion. Other than that the villain is shown very early on so you don’t really get the mysterious aspect of what these kids are dealing with, and they really don’t use a lot of “gotcha” moments although there is a lot of build up for them. They also tried adding some religious aspects, and I feel like they could have gone a lot farther with that… let’s just say an exorcism ends pretty stupidly. I will say the creepy kids (especially the girl) did a very good job getting some scares and general feeling of uneasiness in.

Villain: 3/10

I really feel like they could have done so much more with Hollowface than they did. For one, he doesn’t talk. Adding some creepy dialogue (or any sounds at all, really) while the kids are laying in bed could have really stepped the movie up a notch or two. Second, this thing physically fights with parents. I feel like if you brushed up on some P90X Kenpo you might have a fighting chance of beating this things ass and throwing it out of your house. Get it together, Clive. You star in Shoot Em Up and you can’t win a fight when this thing is trying to rip your daughter’s face off? For shame. Also, showing the boogeyman within the first 5 minutes of the movie was a mistake… they could have used this opportunity to build up the villain and make him a lot creepier and sinister than he actually was.

Gore Rating: Brand New, in the Box Machete

Pretty sure there’s not a drop of blood in this entire film.

Overall Rating: 2.5/5 Shrunken Heads

This is not a terrible movie, but its also not a blockbuster. The ideas they had here were really good, but they didn’t go far enough with them. The biggest mistake, in my opinion, was not developing Hollowface enough and not making him absolutely terrifying. The twist in the ending could have been a lot better too, sometimes you gotta wonder who is writing these story lines. The acting and the music were definitely this movies strong points. I’d recommend giving this movie a try on a night when you are craving some scares and can’t think of anything better to watch.

So there you have it, an amateur’s take on Intruders. While I’m sure it’s not quite on par with his Unholiness’ reviews, at least you kind of know what you are getting into if you grab this one from the Redbox. I’m sure he will have a few more reviews to come in the next few days, until then… check your closets kiddies. Happy Halloween!

Welcome one and all to October. The haunting season is most definitely upon us, and what better way to start off the month by taking a trip closer to hell. This evening I watched The Descent. This one aired in American theaters, but didn’t receive the greatest reception in terms of ticket sales. But don’t let that fool you. This is a lower-budget film that uses mostly British actresses. The director probably thought that since most of this film is shot in very dark environments, the money would be better spent on special effects. And goodness… he killed it (in a very good way).

The Descent is the story of 6 young women who use a caving trip to re-gain their bond of friendship after a troubling accident. They’ve gone to a cave system in very rural Appalachia with hopes of a good adventure. But naturally, they get far more than they bargained for. First the paths through which they travel begin falling apart. Then they come to find out that they’re not even in the system to which they had planned to go. And then there’s those strange noises that one of the women keeps hearing…. Crap.

This film is just fantastic. Honestly, I think I would have been terrified just filming this thing. I’m not exactly claustrophobic, but the idea of caving is just utterly horrifying. These chicks go head-first down tiny paths that they have no idea if they even have an opening at the end. And of course, being in a cave, it’s literally pitch black everywhere. I’ll be honest… I get pretty scared in this movie before the bad guys even show up. So you take this terrifying environment, and then throw in the scares of a horror movie– and they’re executed pretty well in this one– you’ve got a winner.

Well, get your glow sticks and some rope, cuz we’re going to dive right in and take A Closer Look

Villain: NATURE. Just kidding. The mutated humanoids that dwell deep beneath the earth in an unexplored caving system in Appalachia.

How Do I Stop Them?: Well, these guys hunt by sound. You can certainly use that to your advantage. But in all honesty, just don’t go down there. Put your pride away and just watch this movie instead.

Lessons Learned: I’m so proud of these girls. These chicks are clearly way braver than me to even think about going caving. And then they really break out the machismo when their lives are in danger. But that’s not to say they don’t get stupid along the way. One of them is way too quick to go flying into new passages, and ends up paying for it. Oh, and if you see your friend doing battle against bad guys with a razor-sharp blade, you probably shouldn’t sneak up right behind her. For the most part though, these British chicks are bad ass gals.

Who To Watch With: Choose wisely. You’ll most likely want someone to hold onto throughout the course of this movie. Or better yet, be brave. It is October after all. Watch it by yourself in the name of all things Unholy.

Rating the Flick

Scare Factor: Buckle your seatbelts. (9/10)

This movie scares the living hell out of me. Near the end it kind of loses a little bit of the scare value, as the bad guys are a little more exposed. But everything leading up to that is terror in its purest form. Might want to have a feel-good tv show ready to go after this one, otherwise it’s going to be a long night trying to sleep.

Villain: 7/10

These things are straight up nasty. A villain that can navigate pitch darkness with ease is never a good thing. It’s a pretty clever concept, and in reality it seems somewhat plausible. And that’s just fine, because Lord knows I’m never going to find out what lurks hundreds of feet below the surface.

Gore Rating: Full Machete!

By the time this film has run its course, it seems like there’s enough blood to fill the entire caving system. It’s a dark damp mess down there, and I’m not talking about these chicks, if you know what I mean. The director isn’t shy about grossing you out, so proceed with caution.

Overall Rating: 4.5 Shrunken Heads

It’s just scary. Really scary. If you’re looking for a good creep show this Halloween season, I strongly suggest you give this a whirl, as long as you’re not too queasy about some blood. For the male audience, don’t expect the girls to go taking off their clothes. If it’s that kind of movie you’re looking for, look elsewhere. This movie is made to scare. And it certainly does.

So there you have it. October is officially under way! Get out there and get haunted. I’m already ahead of you, with a trip to Fright Fest and a horror movie under my belt. I’m mere DAYS away from the #1 haunted attraction in the United States. Also on the docket, a few of YOU loyal followers and I are going to confront fear head-on, as we go on a Haunted Tour of Chicago on the 14th. And let’s not forget, Paranormal Activity 3 comes out later this month. Going to be a busy, terrifying, incredible month. Let’s get creepy.

Greetings from the grave! We’re only two months until you-know-when… Who’s got some good costume ideas? I’m thinking Buzz Lightyear would be solid. But anyway, enough off-topic stuff. Folks, here it is. This is the movie I’ve been waiting for quite some time to be released. Guillermo Del Toro’s latest horror flick. After seeing his previous gems (see: Pan’s Labrynth, The Orphanage), I figured this was a shoe-in to be utterly horrifying. I had a perfect set-up.. pretty empty theater, empty seats directly beside me. But I’ll say this. I came home to a pitch black apartment, and wasn’t scared at all.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is the story of a man and his girlfriend who are restoring a very old mansion, when the man’s daughter Sally moves in with them. There is some early tension that develops, primarily because the girl obviously doesn’t want to live with her father and his new girlfriend. But almost instantly, she discovers a basement in the house that was previously undiscovered. And then strange goings-on start happening. Clothes begin getting ripped up. The caretaker survives a vicious “accident.” But it must be the girl, right? Hmmmm…

As I said, I was very excited to see this one. There’s nothing like a good spooky house movie. But I was kind of disappointed. Anyone who has seen the previews is aware of the sinister creatures that we’re dealing with. And unfortunately I don’t think this one executed them too well. I should probably stop before I play super-spoiler, so that’s enough discussion for now.

Grab your Pixie Stix and join me as we take A Closer Look.

Villain: Pixies who live deep below the basement of an old mansion.

How do I stop them?: You’ve got two choices, really. The first is don’t be an idiot and let them out. The second is to pack plenty of bright lights. I’m talking flood lights, flashlights, stadium lights, whatever you can get. They tend not to like that.

Lessons Learned: There’s two girls and one guy in this flick. I’ll let that sink in. There’s so many lessons, I can’t even begin to list them all. I understand that kids aren’t the brightest creatures on this planet, but come on. If there’s a basement that’s downright creepy to an adult, there’s absolutely no reason that an around-9 year old girl should want to go down there. ESPECIALLY if there are super creep voices coming from a bolted-down furnace grate, and saying her name. Someone please tell me what good could possibly come from that. It just gets worse from there, so if you’re going to see this, just brace yourself for endless stupidity.

Who To Watch With: Anybody that’s not a kid. Your kids don’t need to go to bed thinking there’s pixies after their teeth.

Rating the Flick

Scare Factor: Jumanji for Adults (4/10)

There’s a few scenes in this that will get you to jump. That’s about it. The suspense wasn’t great, and the bad guys were way too out in the open.

Villain: Lame. 0/10

These things literally reminded me of the monkeys in Jumanji, just creepier and more sinister. They’re pretty crafty, sure. But I’m not really a fan of seeing the villain prancing around every time they’re about to attack.

Gore Rating: Barely Bloody Machete

There’s a bit of violence in this, but I do mean a bit. Mr. Del Toro hasn’t really used very much gore in any of his movies that I’ve seen, but to this point he’s never really needed it.

Overall Rating: 1.5 Shrunken Heads

Did I enjoy this movie? Ehhh. Did I hate it? No. The prelude to this flick was pretty interesting, and visually it looks really good. I did enjoy several first-person shots of the mansion. Del Toro gives the feeling that you’re just a tiny piece of a massive house. But in the end that doesn’t save it.

Obviously, as the title implies, darkness is a critical element in this one. And he’s pretty clever at developing different ways to get the characters out of the light. But even with a good amount of this movie being set in darkness, it still just wasn’t that scary. The acting was only okay, and the ending was pretty predictable. But as I said, there are certainly a few scares along the way. So don’t completely discount this one. Just don’t go in with the highest of hopes.

Coming Soon… Apollo 18! This one is looking better and better every time I see a preview, and it’ll be dropping in theaters very shortly. But that’s not all… This season, yours truly is looking to branch out. The great city of Chicago happens to have its own Haunted Chicago Tour, taking tourists on a one-night journey to the spookiest places around. Also, the Unholy Cathedral is going to play Unholy Field Agent in early October. Some of you may know that I like a good amusement park thrill. Combine one of the premier amusement parks in the country with the scariest haunted attractions in the US of A, and what do you get? Halloween Horror Nights, at Universal Orlando. And I’ll be there, October 7! So be sure to follow @UnholyCathedral on Twitter so you get the latest updates on all things haunted!