Top Five Reasons Israel Definitely Needs to Exist

The escalating violence between Israeli military forces and HAMAS has once again called into question the legitimacy of the state of Israel, that thing that definitely needs to exist. As anyone who has ever owned property would be able to attest, nothing satisfies a proprietary dispute like The Bible, another thing that definitely needs to exist. Like, if God can’t arbitrarily bestow eternal dibs to a worthless stretch of desert, what can He do? Stop the Israeli military from slaughtering hundreds of innocent Palestinian civilians? Provide Zionists the IQ points necessary to understand that He is an empty delusion rooted in a millennia-long global pathology? Fix anything in the world at all? Never. God is too busy drafting land grants to concern Himself with these petty issues, and now the onus is on you to defend His almighty bequeathment. To best defend Israel’s inalienable right to exist, familiarize yourself with these Top Five Reasons Israel Definitely Needs to Exist. Stay strong, Zionist brothers.

The Top Five Reasons Israel Definitely Needs to Exist

Reason #5: ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

A crazy anti-Zionist proposes Israel is simply an excuse for The United States to exercise military power and cultural influence on a region where, because of oil concentrations, it has vested financial interest. What do you do? As always, the best strategy when confronted with facts or uncomfortable truths is to shut your brain off entirely, gesture indeterminately like a drunken infant, and drone, “Ughhhhhhhhhhh” until the person walks away in disgust. Works great for other arguments, too!

Try this one on for size. Next time an anti-Zionist corners you with a hateful, anti-semitic argument against Israel, exclaim “Oh!” like the argument has never occurred to you before. Handling the situation as so allows you to acknowledge the point conversationally while dismissing it mentally. Win-win.

Reason #2: derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp

If you’ve exhausted all other options, derp ’em. No one disagrees with a high qual derp.

Reason #1: Israel shouldn’t exist. It’s 2014 and you’re a full grown adult. Go to bed. Not like the below Zionist pony does. Go to bed like a human being.