Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Vanity Fair humiliates submarine

Editor's note -- The recent grounding of a Royal Navy submarine in Scottish mud inspired Vanity Fair magazine to sensationalize yet another embarrassingly British antic. The humiliation is confirmed by the New York Times, the Telegraph, the BBC and the U.K. Ministry of Defence.

"... This morning, a nuclear-powered submarine from the fleet of the British Royal Navy became lodged in some mud in shallow waters just off the coast of Scotland. ... We will now recount the most humiliating details of the accident ..."

5. On its Web site, the Royal Navy has posted a statement assuring citizens that the accident is “is not a nuclear incident.”

4. A simple tugboat is spearheading the submarine’s inglorious rescue.

Editor's note -- Would a complicated tugboat make the rescue any less inglorious?

3. An engineering professor at the University of Portsmouth said he thought it was “pretty unlikely” that the sub would sink. Editor's note -- "Highly unlikely," professor. Unless further sub-sinking to the Earth's core is possible2. Previously, the submarine was described as “the stealthiest ever built in the U.K."

Editor's note -- According to the New York Times' The Lede, the Astute would have a hard time sneaking up on an otter. This was confirmed by Helen Birch of the International Otter Survival Fund on the Isle of Skye in a telephone interview. 1. The vessel is called the H.M.S. AstuteEditor's note -- And the other two submarines just like it are called Ambush and Artful. Be grateful the name isn't H.M.S. Otter.

"Grounded nuclear sub dragged free,"

says the BBC

Editor's note -- Telegraph.co.uk commenter "wnc", no doubt commenting from a U.S. Navy town (such as Jacksonville, Fla.), further humiliates the Royal Navy by blaming the incident on Ex-P.M. Gordon Brown in a scripted dialog:

The Captain of the boat has some explaining to do I'd imagine. Lets see how it may go:Secretary of the Navy: (or whatever you call him there):" What the hell is going on and why is my boat beached?"Captain: "Well Mr Secretary you see we're still not sure.""Not sure!!' You're not sure why the finest boat we've got is on the rocks?' I'll have your ass for this!"Captain: "But..but.."Secretary; "Shut up! How long until my boat is back in port?"Cappy: "Well...um can't say. The tugs are waiting for the tide so they can float it and drag it away."Secretary; "You'll be scraping baracles off the Ark Royal until your fingers bleed you F-ing idiot!"Captain; "I uh...I, well.."Sec: "Shut up' "Cameron is on my ass, says the whole things a cock-up. Our best boat's hit the rocks and the whole world is watching.' The Yanks are laughing at us. "What do I tell him?' WHAT DO I TELL HIM?"Captain, sweating profusely: "Can you blame Gordon Brown?"Sec: "Hmm.. why yes, he just might buy that."