Or, in the case of my friend Michelle, it would have been really
convenient if the tool she dated,
Baron, had a picture of a piece of Velcro on his forehead.

(“Don’t get too
attached to me.”)

(...Because I will RIP YOU.)

There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to get too attached, I
guess, but in that case DON’T DATE
SOMEONE EXCLUSIVELYfor four months and act like...super glue.

GAW.

Say, “don’t get too attached to me” after date four, not date 44, IF you have to say it at all.

Michelle and Baron got together after being set up by a
mutual friend, where HE pursued HER, where he told her the sweetest things,
took her out on the cutest dates and convinced her to cook him chicken even though she’s a vegetarian.

(That’s love.)

He bought tickets to a concert months away. He taught her the importance of cuddling. He asked her
to watch his pets when he went out of town.

SUPER GLUE!

SUPER GLUE!

But then Baron’s job was in limbo and he freaked out that he
would either take a pay cut or be fired and that’s when he did a complete 180.

Michelle was really supportive of his job situation and told
him that everything would be OK, but he wasn’t interested. He was distant and absent.

She sent him the cutest text asking if there was a good
night that week he could come over so she could cook him dinner.

“I like when I get to see you :),” she texted.

But did she get a
smiley emoticon back???

DID SHE???

NO, no
she did not.

“Don’t get too
attached,” he wrote.

Hahahahahahahaa

WHAT???

“As soon as this place shuts down I’m f*cking out of here,”
Baron wrote.

Note: He didn’t ask her to come with him to wherever he was
going. (Or let her know who would watch his pets.)

Eye roll.

“Oh come on,”
Michelle said. “It will be OK.”

“Really come on,” she wrote.

“...Baron?”

“...Hello?”

But all she got was radio
silence.

That was it.

That was his break-up move.

Seriously. After FOUR MONTHS of dating him, he ended things
with an infuriating set of instructions:

"Don’t get too
attached.”

WELL IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT NOW!!!

Tell that to someone BEFORE
you spend every single night together and force her to cook you meat!!!

Rude.

This couldn’t just
be about his job. Because if it was, hahahahahahahahahahahaha wake up and smell
the glue Baron, it’s 2015.

NO ONE’S
job is stable.

No, he was just that
guy.

That guy that acted
like a firm, reliable thing to hold on to, but really was only good for...wrapping electrical wires together.

Michelle said she saw him out at a bar the following week
and tried to talk to him but he straight-up ignored her.