Peter’s Patter

Turn on your TV and you will see journalists from around the globe reporting back from war torncities such as Basra and Ankara.

Well today I am reporting from somewhere closer to home but justas dangerous. Yes today I am reporting back to you from the Braehead shopping centre!

The temperatures outside Braehead topped 28 degrees but that was slightly lower than the temperatures of most parents as they dragged their children kicking and screaming from shop to shop.

Outside the shops I saw countless fathers strewn across seats with their heads burrowed in their hands, others were hanging over the first floor balcony contemplating whether to jump or wait another half hour till their family returned empty handed from the summer sale at Next.

I heard screams from the Build-a- bear shop which were ear piercingly loud as parent after parent was forced to dig deep for stuffed teddy bears that would end up hidden out of sight on top of a wardrobe for the rest of their lives.

I breathed a sigh of relief as my own kids walked past with barely a glance behind them. Although the £50 saved would soon be spent elsewhere as their tastes become ever more expensive.

Lipsy is the new place to empty your wallet although I was lucky enough to be there on the day the dresses were on sale but if they can sell them for 50% less and make a profit then why not do that all year round?

After losing all that weight from my wallet I needed a rest so I joined the fathers for freedom on the seats outside Next. This was the trickiest part of my shopping experience. How to sit on a seat that directly faces the Ann Summer shop whilst trying to appear uninterested in the shop windowdisplay?

Half the seats face Next but they were all taken so I had no choice but to sit facing the emptiest shop in Braehead. I never see anyone going in and I even looked down to see of anyone was crawling on all fours trying to sneak in without being seen.

My shopping nightmare finally ended after four hours even though we had only bought two dresses and would have to endure a trip to that other nightmare shopping centre called Silverburn.

Silverburn is so long that even Mo Farrah can only complete 2 laps of it but that is for another day so we headed off to complete our day with a nice latte at Costa Fortune.

If you are wondering what I purchased that day it was a travel sized defibrillator. I reckon it will come in handy at Silverburn!