It’s been a long time dear readers, and so much has happened. I realise that I need to blog about it as and when things happen, because otherwise things aren’t as interesting and you rationalise everything with the benefit of hindsight.

Life and love have escalated out of control recently and I haven’t found time to sit down and put into words what I’ve been trying not to think about. But from now on I will leave nothing to hindsight. I have so much to talk about and the longer I went without blogging the more I felt like I didn’t know where to begin. So to fill you in…

The date with the Frenchman went well. Very well actually. We have lots of common ground, and he made me laugh. At the end of the night he went for a kiss, whereas I went for a kiss on the cheeks. Standard date awkwardness.

But is getting on with someone enough for wanting to be with someone? I get on with my man. How do you know when the right one is the right one? Have I got blurred ideas of friendship, lust, and love?

You see, I like my man. But surely with a long distance relationship, you need to know the feeling is mutual. need to know it’s worth your time. And there just seems to be no progression. All the girls that seem to be lingering on the side of him, me trying to play the rules to avoid being hurt. Shouldn’t relationships be more simple?

So I decided, enough game playing – Time to ask my man where he sees us going. We’ve been together for a few months now and I don’t want to waste my time, or end up getting hurt. Simple.

Or it should be simple, except that I find it impossible to talk about emotions. I’m absolutely paranoid of sounding crazy. And I think I am far too proud to put my feelings on the line, or let someone know I am into them. I swear I wasn’t like this before Jules, goddamn him!

So I’m at his house. Yes, yes, visiting his family home has become a bit of a fortnightly thing. And we’re in bed. A male friend of mine once told me the best time to have a conversation with a man is in bed after sex when you are both relaxed. So here is goes… No, I can’t say it… Yes you can… Why am I nervous?… COME ON!…

“Have you slept with anyone else whilst we’ve been seeing each other?”

“Why are you asking me?”

“Because I am wondering, and I think I have a right to know where I stand.”

“Well no I haven’t. Have you?”

“No. Would you sleep with anyone else?”

“No. But I don’t know where this is going, let’s just see how it goes. Have you kissed anyone else?”

… ah, the Catchphrase date I went on that resulted in a kiss. How do I tell him this? Should I tell him? Well I can’t lie to him. “Yes I did. But it was a few weeks ago. I went on a date, but only because I didn’t know where we stood…”

“I can’t believe you went on a date.”

“Yeah, but I really wasn’t sure where we were, or where your head was at with things. For all I knew you were still messaging other girls”

“I’m not. I deleted the TV Presenter’s number because I like you, and I want to see where it goes, but I don’t know what will happen. I can’t believe you have been on a date and you gave me so much stick for texting someone!”

“But you never gave me the impression you cared”

“Of course I do, I just don’t want to be another guy giving you compliments…”

And then, he fell asleep. Apparently waiting until you’re both tired in bed isn’t the best time to have that kind of conversation. But I feel good that he isn’t messaging her! But what does he mean he doesn’t know where we will go? And now that he thinks that I’ve been dating. But I was only dating because the rules said I should. Silly rules! What if he starts dating other people now?

And I suppose I know he’s more than just a guy I get on with, more than just a friend, because I do care about his opinion. I do worry about being hurt. And I get butterflies to hear him say that he cares and isn’t messaging anyone else.