At least Tom Corbett still is beloved in one corner

"Gentlemen, welcome to this annual gathering of the Natural Gas Producers of America! I think I can speak for all our industry's leadership in saying it's a great time to be a fracker!"

The chairman continued, "We're especially honored to have a special guest at this year's convention, a man who has set unprecedented standards for hospitality and cooperation with our industry — the governor of Pennsylvania, Mr. Tom Corbett!" The audience applauded enthusiastically.

"Tom has promised to grace us with a few remarks, but first … Tom, could you get me a bottle of water? I'm a little dry up here."

"Yes, sir."

"You know what, it might be better if you get waters for everyone on the dais. They're in that big tub full of ice and water in the back."

"That may take me a few trips, sir."

"No problem. Take your time. Make sure you get us some cold ones near the bottom of the tub."

"Right-o."

The speaker chuckled. "I hope some of you people are watching Tom perform this menial task for … whoa, Tom, you should have taken your jacket off first! It's soaked."

"No problem, sir! I needed to cool down anyway!"

"Isn't he great? Some of you people have had to deal with political and bureaucratic leadership in other states, and you know how uncooperative they can be, demanding a lot of severance taxes and pesky environmental safeguards. We've had none of that with Pennsylvania. The guy will do anything for us."

"Here's your water, sir."

"Thanks, Tom. One more trip should … Say, this bottle is dripping wet. Could you wipe it down for me?"

"Of course, sir."

"Not on your shirt! Ha Ha! How do you like this guy?"

"It's no problem. The shirt was wet anyway."

"That's my guy. So yes, Pennsylvania is requiring us to pay laughably low local impact fees and remains the only major natural-gas producing state in the nation that didn't make us pay a severance tax, a decision that has required other constituencies in the state — public schools, universities, working families, health care, the elderly, people with disabilities, local taxpayers — to make tremendous sacrifices as he has slashed expenses to balance the state budget. I think we owe all of these schoolchildren, old people, college students and other victims a nice round of applause for what they are doing on our behalf." Everyone clapped.

"Tom, you're back already! And you're soaked! Can someone give him a towel? There you go. Come on up here, boy."

He draped his arm over Corbett's shoulders and addressed the audience again. "And now it's getting even better. He's kept it secret from everyone in Pennsylvania until now, but Tom's administration is proposing a $1.7 billion tax break for Shell Oil, which is considering building a large ethane cracker in Beaver County to create plastics from natural gas fluids. That's $65 million in tax breaks a year, for 25 years, to one of the richest companies in the world — on a proposed site that's already in a Keystone Opportunity Zone! In a state that's hemorrhaging teachers, cutting services and squeezing people on food stamps! Can you believe this guy?" There was a thunderous standing ovation.

"I don't know what else to tell you. For an investment of about a million in campaign contributions during his last campaign, we have realized an incredible payback, and this is the man who has made it all possible. If every state had a governor like this, we'd be even more fracking wealthy than we are. Without further ado, Mr. Tom Corbett!"

Corbett raised his hands. "Thank you, friends. I recognize a lot of faces out there — and I'm guessing I'd recognize a lot more of your names on my campaign checks!" The crowd roared.

"I've been overwhelmed by the warm greeting I've received all day. It's a nice contrast to the increasingly unfriendly treatment I'm receiving in some quarters back home, where my poll numbers are dropping and I've had to start shuffling my staff.

"But that's OK. I can understand why gutting education funding, forcing higher school taxes and shredding the safety net would be unpopular, particularly when I'm not requiring my corporate campaign contributors to make any sacrifices. And I certainly can understand why some individuals would have concerns about a $1.7 billion tax break for our friends at Shell Oil.

"But you and I know how shortsighted it is to expect large corporations to pay their fair share. So let me assure everyone in this room that I will continue to work my tail off on your behalf, no matter how much all the do-gooders snipe at me over education funding and the safety net. I'm Hooked on Frack, and I don't care who knows it!"

There was another rousing standing ovation as he waved and returned to his seat.

"What a guy!" said the chairman. "Wait, don't get too comfortable, Tom!"