We Recreate What We Celebrate

Values are, in my opinion, both taught and caught. With our words, our corrections, and our daily actions, we are communicating our values to others. Most would probably agree with me there. What we often overlook, though, is the fact that the things we celebrate are the things that we, ultimately, recreate.

Here’s one way to think about it. When a child is young, they quickly learn that certain actions will earn them positive attention from the people around them. Over time, they can be seen repeating those actions, often hoping to earn more positive attention and praise. As parents, teachers, and others with influence over young children, we learn to celebrate certain things, rewarding desirable behaviors and attributes. At the same time, we withhold celebration and reward when that child exhibits some undesirable behavior or attribute. In doing so, we are teaching that child, communicating certain values. The goal is always to pass along those desirable values and behaviors, getting that child to internalize and reproduce them. I’m convinced that this manner of teaching and passing along of values does not end with childhood.

If this true, what are we communicating to young boys, teenage boys, young adult males and young dads about fatherhood? I would argue that our society is sending a resounding message to boys that says fathers are expendable. The message seems to be that fathers are a “nice to have,” but not essential. We give the impression that what the father brings to the family is dispensable, nonessential, extra.

Here is one simple truth that every woman would be wise to figure out: Not one man in this world flourishes in an environment that tells him that he is simply extra!

All that being said, I’m admonishing the wise people among us to begin to think critically and act swiftly to start celebrating fathers. Let younger males see that fatherhood matters and is desirable. Better yet, let them know that our expectation is that every father would be present and active in the lives of their children. Only when we change expectations and become more thoughtful and intentional about what we celebrate will we begin to see meaningful change.

After all, the things that we celebrate are the things that we eventually recreate!

Have you ever been discouraged? Unless you have some serious antisocial tendencies, I’d guess that you have been discouraged at one point or another in your life. For those of us who serve in ministry, discouragement is very real and present danger. The very nature of our work makes us more susceptible to discouragement because we are often so heavily invested in the lives of others. The average person can go out of their way to live insulated lives, shielded and protected from “mess,” but not us. The very nature of our calling seems to demand that we give others access to our lives, while at the same time wading into the murky waters of their lives. Can you imagine a pastor who refused to care about others? How about a minister who openly expressed her lack of concern for the condition of those around her? Wouldn’t she risk being called a sociopath? Nobody wants to be called a sociopath…so we dive in! Loving, trusting, forgiving, all the while believing that this is the God-honoring thing to do!

Discouragement comes in when even your most sacrificial efforts fall flat, and the expectations that you had of something or someone bite you in the butt. It happens to every minister that I’ve ever known…that’s not the point. The issue that I’d like to wrestle with is the proper Christian response to discouragement. Do we curl into a ball, lick our wounds, and whine? Worst than that, do we lash out at those responsible? Both of these are pretty damaging responses that will ultimately do more harm than good. How, then, do you deal with discouragement in ministry?

Josh Griffin, one of my favorite youth pastors/bloggers shared some thoughts that I’d like to pass along. You can read the full article here, but here’s my recap with some personal thoughts:

Identify the Source of the Discouragement – What is the perceived root of the discouragement and what is its real cause? It could be deeper than any isolated incident. Discouragement can show up after “mountaintop experiences” as someone seeks to bring you back to earth, set you straight, or “read you,” as my people sometimes say; however, in most cases, I’ve been able to trace my own bouts with discouragement to something deeper than an incident. The truth is that I like to be liked. I like and respect people, and I expect them to like and respect me back. When that does not happen, I’m often caught off guard. I’ve come to accept that the majority of the discouragement that I deal with in my life comes out of misguided expectations of others and some insecurity on my part. Being so, each period of discouragement that I face is now seen as a chance to confront my own issues, as well as the issues of others that may be involved.

Employ the Appropriate Response – Even in discouragement, I am accountable for my response. My response will say volumes about who I believe God to be and who I am in God. In every encounter, I have the option to be either the crazy person driven by carnal emotions or I can bear witness to the Spirit’s power to overcome my fallen nature. In my discouragement, I have learned to cry out to God who encourages my heart, grants me wisdom and strength through His Word, and sends me back into the game.

Search the Criticism for Truth and Grow From It – If God can speak through a donkey, surely he can use the harsh words of another human being to reveal truth to us. In the course of facing the discouragement, take the time to search for God’s voice in the criticism. Is there something tucked away behind the ugly words that could help you become a better leader/minister/pastor? Be courageous enough to sit in the criticism and mine for nuggets that might be valuable to your future. It may be uncomfortable, even humbling, but it can help produce a better you in the end.

Discouragement is not new. Discouragement will be with us for as long as we live. Jesus knew this and told his disciples, “In this world, you will have trouble.” That has not changed for the modern believer. The encouragement, though, is that Jesus also said in that same breath, “But take heart! I have overcome the world!” Although discouragement is real and painful, we find encouragement in knowing that Jesus is victorious over discouragement in the same way that He is victorious over sin, death, and the grave. In Christ, our grief becomes joy.

To know and believe this is the key to dealing with any and all discouragement!

This past weekend, I spent a lot of time thinking about my uncles. My mom has 5 brothers, and when I was growing up without my own father, they really became my examples. James (Jr.), Rommie, Ronnie, Joe, and Roc…sounds like an old-school soul group, and their pictures add to the confusion! I love those guys because they were there. They weren’t perfect…far from it, actually. I saw each of them struggle, even fail, but I learned so much from them. That’s one of the mysteries of life for me – that in order to influence someone, perfection is not necessary. Presence is.

Fast forward to today. I’m a dad now. So, how do you think I would choose to prioritize my time?

I had so much fun celebrating Father’s Day that I forgot to post anything. Don’t judge me. Here’s a little something…somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but rooted in truth. I love being a dad, and I especially love being the dad to a toddler. There are countless benefits to this elite fraternity…here are just a few:

You’re guaranteed that at least one person will be happy to see you when you get home.

The idea of seeing a little version of yourself walking around is the best feeling in the world! It feeds that little area of healthy narcissism that we all have!

You have an excuse to watch cartoons, play with bubbles, and eat Goldfish!

Even when they mess up, it’s still funny. Flashback to the first time they went fishing in the toilet.

Attempts at humor aside, the best part of being a dad to a toddler is simple: You get the chance everyday to speak into their lives and see it have a positive impact on them. They are looking for your affirmation. Your voice is a source of comfort, peace, and protection for them. They are looking for your boundaries, and those boundaries shape them for years to come.

As men, we seem to always be in search of a battle to fight, a challenge to conquer. Well, know this: there is no greater challenge for a Godly man than to love his wife and father his children! There’s no higher calling. It seems that Mothers will always be more loved and celebrated (another post for another day), but a father’s presence, a father’s protection, and a father’s voice are absolutely vital to a child’s well-being and development!

Father’s day is gone, but let’s celebrate fathers everyday…cartoons, bubbles, and Goldfish for everybody!!!