Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Spouse for a day- One Classy Motha {Guest Post}

So Shana posed the question to me..."What if you could be your spouse for the day?" Well that's easy, if I could be my spouse for the day, I would finally be able to find my way out of a paper bag! Brian has this uncanny ability to to find a location without even glancing at a map (yet he can't find the mayo in the refrigerator. I don't get it).
I, on the other hand, have been making u-turns since I was 16. Take our trip to the local corn maze as an example...

Day 1- A corn maze sounded innocent enough. “Good, wholesome family fun” they said. “Should take you 15 minutes” they said. Lies, bullshit, and lies. So far we’ve been trudging in here for hours.Day 2- We lost Brian about 5 miles back. The kids and I suspect he was just hanging back to scare us because he said something about a horror film then disappeared. But we’ve made so many turns I don’t see how he could have kept up with us. Now the kids are peeing their pants every time the wind blows. Thanks Brian. Thanks.Day 3- It’s important that we keep moving. Collin had a mini break down today, crying because he misses his father. I begged him to keep it together by yelling, “He’s gone, gone, I tell you! And we can’t afford to waste time crying about it. I’m the head of this household now, and I will get us out of here, damn it!”

Pull it together, man!

Besides, doesn’t he realize his father was just bringing morale down with his “I told you we shouldn’t have done this” and “there’s probably an ax murderer in here” attitude. Good riddance Mr. Dead Weight.Day 4- If I hear “This looks familiar” one more time I swear to god I’m going to go bat shit crazy! Of course it looks familiar, it’s all corn corn corn!!!!Day 5- Up until now I’ve been leading our little troop by using my gut instincts, and it’s apparent to everyone that my instincts suck. Most of my time today will be spent questioning all my life decisions that have led me to this moment.
It took me 5 days to admit that Cornfield angels weren’t guiding me out of here, I now know we need a system. It was my idea that we start marking our trail by spelling out ‘Screw you Schmidt’s Farm’ with corn ears every 30 feet, but the kids thought it would take too long so we switched it up. Now we’re making corn silk hands giving the middle finger. The finger points the way.
FYI- turns out the kids were right about it looking familiar, we just stumbled on some middle fingers. We’ve been going in circles. They made me apologize.Day 6- I don’t know how much longer we can survive, we’ve eaten all the crackers and mints found at the bottom of my purse and we’re down to the last water bottle. I’ve been reflecting on every wilderness movie I’ve ever seen, hoping to remember some survival techniques. Unfortunately, the only movie I can recall in any detail is “Alive”.
Two things are for sure: 1. I refuse to eat my kids no matter how hungry I get…they’re full of preservatives and red dye #4, and 2. We’ll all be forced to drink our own urine soon. I plan on paying Collin $5 to go first so I can see if I’d rather die of dehydration.Day 7- I tripped over a skeleton today. My guess is, because she’s alone, she ate her children but drew the line at drinking her own urine. What a horrible decision, everyone knows you can go longer without food than water. …or maybe her kids ate her…crap.
Note: I’m assuming it’s a “she” because I’m starting to buy into the whole stereotype that woman are bad with directions.Day 8- Mr. Johnny Come Lately found us. He claims he’s been out of the maze 3 times looking for us. I can’t help but to think he’s telling the truth because his red solo cup is full of fresh Chardonnay*.
*Did I mention it’s at a vineyard? Why else would I go???Day 9- Is it wrong to hope that our new leader gets us lost too- at least for a little while? I don’t want the kids to have a story that starts with “Remember the time mom led us into the cornfields to die, but dad saved us?”Day 10- Well, Mr.Perfect did it. La.Dee.Friggin.Da.
“Our Hero!” the kids cheered. I should have eaten them all with a side of fermented corn.Time Key: 1 Day = 5 minutes.