John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

One of the benefits of grief recovery is remembering the person the way we knew them in life, not only as we knew them in death. (Published 11/29/16)

Q:

You say, "Recovery means feeling better." Do you believe it's possible to recover completely from the death of a loved one, or will the wound always have the potential to be opened up again, causing painful feelings to well up, no matter how much grief work has been done and positive choices made?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Sally,

Great question!

Yes, we believe that anyone can become emotionally complete in their relationship with someone important to them who has died, whether that person was a loved one or a “less than loved one.”

As a result of taking the actions of grief recovery, the idea of “wounds” and painful feelings usually shifts. That does not mean that we stop missing the person; nor does it mean that we will never again feel sad about their absence; nor does it mean that our lives are not changed by that absence.

We often tell people that three of the results of effective grief recovery actions are:

1. Remembering the person the way we knew him or her in life, not only as we knew the person in death.

2. When thinking about the person who died, fond memories do not turn painful.

3. Having a life of meaning and value even though our lives are dramatically changed.

Also, keep in mind that with a big enough stimulus or reminder about the person, you can have a lot of feelings (of all kinds), and with it some pain, but different than it was when they first died.

There’s much more to it than the little bit I’ve written here, but the key is the taking of the actions of grief recovery — not so much “grief work” — but grief recovery, which is a very big difference.