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Monthly Archives: June 2011

…to be so overwhelmed with pride, happiness and disbelief of how lucky I am because I have something that is cute as all get out that I can post daily updates on facebook about when it’s coming home for the first time, when it’s sleeping, when it’s being rocked to sleep, when it’s dressed in cute things, when it does crazy things and to be able to random gallop poll all of my friends for advice when it does stuff I’m unsure of.

Me and my BFN pee stick
Strolling down the avenue
Me and my BFN peeeeee stiiiiiiiick
Not a soul to tell our troubles to
But when it’s twelve o’clock, we climb the stairs
We never knock, ’cause nobody’s there
Just me and my BFN pee stick
All alone and feeling blue.

I can’t tell you how many of these ridiculous things I see on my way to and from work daily. You know what I speak of-those ridiculous decals on the back windshield prominently displaying the breeder’s happy family in stick caricatures.

In order to fit in, I have come out with my own line of infertile family car decals.

Hurray, order now, supplies are limited.

I have also cornered the market on Infertile Bumper Stickers, they are flying off my shelves like hotcakes…

For the past week I have incessantly replayed the following 4 songs on my IPOD while stuck in the car, and then as soon as I get in front of a computer, I pull them up and continue to listen to them while computing.

I have caught myself singing along to the lyrics without realizing what the f they mean. So just now, I pull the 4 songs lyrics up-and realize “holy good lord I am seriously conflicted.”

I have so much anger, rage, feelings of failure, frustration and fear that they seem to be all that I feel 24 hours a day, every day. But my sneaky, sneaky brain err heart I suppose, needs something else.

Judge for yourself, are these the 4 preferred tunes of a crazy, raging, really angry LuNaTiC?

Woke up in London yesterday
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don’t really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone
New names and numbers that I don’t know
Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We’re young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be the good lifeThis has gotta be the good lifeThis could really be a good life, good lifeSay oh, got this feeling that you can’t fightLike this city is on fire tonightThis could really be a good lifeA good, good life

To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don’t know
Where I’ve been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado
Sometimes there’s airplanes I can’ t jump out
Sometimes there’s bullshit that don’t work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about
When you’re happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in

Oh this has gotta be the good lifeThis has gotta be the good lifeThis could really be a good life, good lifeSay oh, got this feeling that you can’t fightLike this city is on fire tonightThis could really be a good lifeA good, good life

Hopelessly
I feel like there might be something that I’ll miss
Hopelessly
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
Hopelessly
I’m taking a mental picture of you now
‘Cuz hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about

Oh this has gotta be the good lifeThis has gotta be the good lifeThis could really be a good life, good lifeSay oh, got this feeling that you can’t fightLike this city is on fire tonightThis could really be a good lifeA good, good life

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying “Lord I just don’t care”
But you’ve got the love I need To see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through

When food is gone you are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know my saviour’s love is real
Your love is real

You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love

Time after time I think “Oh Lord what’s the use?”
Time after time I think it’s just no good
Sooner or later in life, the things you love you loose
But you got the love I need to see me through

You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying “Lord I just don’t care”
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through

You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love

I feel sweet, do you feel sweet?
It’s amazing
I have no skin, and I feel everything
It’s amazing
I feel good, when you feel good
I knew I would
It’s amazing
I’ve wanted this for so long
Now the deed has been done,
We shall rise with the sun, we’ll spend our time as one
Now there is no sin, in anything
It’s amazing
I love life, I hope you do too
I love everything
It’s all amazing
I feel new, do you feel new?
I understand when they say we’re born again
‘Cause I’ve been born again
I’m born again
It’s amazing
It’s the best thing
It’s glorious, it’s life changing
This feeling is amazing
It’s the best thing,
it’s glorious, it’s life changing
This feeling

This feeling, whoa oh this feeling
Is amazing
It’s in the stars, in the sun
It’s everywhere and everyone
And it will be everyday
From now on, from now on
Now we are one,
and it’s amazing

It’s in the stars, in the sun,
It’s everywhere and everyone
And it will be everyday
from now on, from now on
Now we are one
And it’s amazing
It’s amazing

Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream he said
The one that makes me laugh he said
And threw his arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I’ll run away with you
I’ll run away with you

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed his face and kissed his head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make him glow
Why are you so far away, he said
Why won’t you ever know that I’m in love with you
That I’m in love with you

You, soft and only
You,lost and lonely
You, strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You’re just like a dream
You’re just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe his name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only boy I loved
And drowned him deep inside of me

You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven

You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven

So… what do you think??

I think not.

I also think my poor heart is sick of me-and trying desperately to get me to cut the shit.

I wish I could-so instead as I rage about my house when no one is home-I cry and sing along with these songs.

While I would like nothing more than to just spit out some eggs from my vjay, fertilize them and then transfer them back to a uterus that won’t kill them, that isn’t really an option right now for a few different reasons…

1. Unfortunately, the woman who offered to attempt to carry a baby for us is a direct report of my husband’s at work and since he needs to maintain his job so that we can pay our mortgage and support any child that is born into our family, and we would prefer that she maintain her job at work as well-we are going to have to figure out if their place of employment will actually allow this weird form of nepotism to occur without anyone being sacked.

2. If no one will get sacked and we have HR’s approval to proceed, our gestational carrier needs to have a whole slew of tests done (as well as her husband) to see if she is in fact healthy enough to be allowed carry our child.

3. If she is cleared to become our Gestational Carrier, then we need to figure out where we are going to come up with the 10-20K it will cost to get her through all of the legalities, medical tests and procedures-and since I just blew my entire baby savings fund on our roof-this could be more tricky than one would think.

My husband has until July 23rd to figure out at work if this GC thing is even possible, and if his work is amenable then we will meet with our RE on Monday July 25th to see how we would proceed.

In the meanwhile, since I’m supposedly “normal” and there is nothing wrong with me (hahahahahhahahahhahahhahhaha) we will continue on our shit show that is our journey to becoming parents with another round of IVF, which if we can successfully get through it, have eggs that fertilize, and embryos or blasts to transfer back to my uterus of death, we will know if it’s successful or not by the first week in August.

My doc has suggested a protocol that I have never heard of based on how many high quality embryos we made back in October without any suppression-so instead of crushing my body with lupron-I will only have to take birth control pills for 2 weeks prior to beginning the (roughly) 10 days of shots to grow a butt load of eggs. She believes the 14 days of birth control will be plenty enough to supress my pituitary so that my body doesn’t create an LH surge before my eggs are ready for retrieval. Based on how I did last time, I think I agree with that completely.

So when my period shows up (I expect the bitch somewhere around 7/2), I will begin this time line…

– you refuse to finish decorating that 3rd bedroom in your house, because you can’t stand the thought of getting it just the way you want it when there is a small chance that you will have to tear it apart next month in order to make room for the nursery you’ll be needing.

– you put off buying any fall/winter clothes or spring/summer clothes, because you hope that when the season changes they won’t fit by then.

-all clothes you currently buy are stretchy for 2 reasons, #1 to accommodate the weight gain from stress eating and binge drinking cycle after cycle compounded by fertility treatment drugs and #2 so that you can wear it next year when you are *hopefully* pregnant.

– your doctor says, “Now take these home and inject this needle into your stomach every day” and you don’t even flinch.

– you spend more on OPKs, HPTs, and fertility supplements than you do on clothes.

– you make a mental note of what day of your cycle it is before you say “ok” to a drink.

– you get sick but make sure you can take the medicine in case you are pregnant.

– you become a pack rat of sticks you’ve peed on (for future reference of course) or a certified trash picker (sometimes you will even pick the same stick out of the trash on multiple occasions) in order to keep looking at an old test you’ve taken to see if you have willed *something* to change since you last saw it.

-you spend more money each year on fertility treatments than you do on vacations.

Thursday morning-I finally tested positive for the LH surge (cd 15) which will cause me to ovulate this cycle. I won’t lie-I had set up test center in a public bathroom while trying to balance a digital pee stick test (that gives me a smiley face to tell me its time to go have sex) and a dip stick test (the line on the left will be darker than the line on the right when its time to go have sex) on my thigh as I’m holding a tiny dixie cup full of pee in my other hand (just incase I get an error on the digital test and I have to dip another test stick to re-test) and the only thought I had while waiting the 60 seconds for the result was…

“I’m so fucking sick and tired of having to do shit like this-please for the love of god send me a sign or, better yet, a pregnancy with a healthy baby-so that I can stop having to do shit like this.”

Knowing that I can’t be alone in this hatred of how low I have sunk over the last 2 years-I grabbed a quick pick with my cell…so here I am in public test central balancing a bunch of sticks on my leg waiting for the digital test to finally tell me what it thinks, and to see if it agrees with what the dip stick is telling me…

They do in fact agree with each other, so I dump the pee, toss the cup, wash my hands and pack up and head home for some Brown Chicken Brown Cow.

Now here’s where this gets funny-on my way home-I look up into the sky whilst stuck in traffic to see this beacon, nay, SIGN-raging above my vehicle…

Ask and you shall receive I guess??

I’m just sad my “sign” is of a boner shooting spunk rather than a cloud that looks like me holding a newborn.

I already knew a boner was in my immediate future, no need for a sign to help me there!