5/19/2015

On Foreign Policy, Chris Christie Will Suck All the Dicks Before He Announces He's Running for President

Following up Lindsey Graham's call for more American blood to be spilled while trying to unfuck Iraq, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie declared yesterday, "Line up all the dicks. I'm gonna suck 'em one by one." The occasion was an address in New Hampshire on American foreign policy, generally not something a governor from another state does unless he's gonna run for president because, otherwise, who the fuck cares what you have to say about military interventions. In a speech that ranged from idiotic shit we tried already and failed to even more idiotic shit that isn't working, Christie's simple message was "If you present me with a dick, I will suck it."

So, with all the dicks on display, Christie went to work, right on down the line, putting one dick after another into his jowls and sucking them like the sweetest popsicles on the hottest summer day. "American power is in retreat and we’ve backed away from the principles that made us a source of strength and stability," Christie said, deep-throating one throbbing meat stick, "No one understands any longer whom America stands with or whom we stand against. No one understands exactly what we stand for and what we’re willing to sacrifice to stand up for it."

Then the man who never once sacrificed for his country said that what the United States needs is a bigger military with more soldiers, more warships, more warplanes, more shit we don't need, more intelligence funding, more money we don't have to spend, more roads that won't get rebuilt because we're too busy buying fucking aircraft carriers, but, goddamn, he grabbed that dick and vigorously jacked it off into his mouth. That expansion will help America "keep its edge," he said, swallowing with a satisfied moan, adding that America should intervene even more in overseas conflicts. Whose fault is it? Not George W. Bush for fucking the pooch of the U.S.'s international status. "[President Obama] has damaged the credibility of the American presidency," Christie said, slobberingly knob-bobbing.

Then he moved on, declaring that anyone who doesn't want the government to get constant fecal samples from your toilets in order to see if you've been eating too much terrorist hummus is just a pussy who is waiting for ISIS to behead your dog: "They want you to think that there's a government spook listening in every time you pick up the phone or Skype with your grandkids. They want you to think of our intelligence community as the bad guys, straight out of The Bourne Identity or a Hollywood thriller. And they want you to think that if we weakened our capabilities, the rest of the world would love us more."

Jesus, this dick was so tasty he didn't want to stop sucking it, ignoring the fact that there is a government spook logging every time you pick up the phone or Skype with your grandkids, especially if they're overseas, ignoring that the House of Representatives just voted to limit the collection of data precisely because this was going on, ignoring that bulk collection of data hasn't done a damn thing to make us safer. Christie didn't care. It's hard to hear over all the grunts of pleasure, murmured from a mouth filled with dick.

He saved the biggest dick for last, a monumental cock that made his cheeks puff out from the effort, looking like Dizzy Gillespie on the trumpet. "President Reagan once said that 'above all, we must realize that no arsenal or no weapon in the arsenals of the world is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today's world do not have. It is a weapon that we as Americans do have,'" Christie fellated. "He was right. And that will and courage will lead us forward." Yes, Ronnie was right, except for the fact that he was wrong about so many things, but that doesn't matter, not when you're cupping those balls and taking that flesh pole to mouth town.

Of course, as a kind of after-dinner treat, Christie couldn't resist sucking one more dick for the road. At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire, Christie played the skin flute: "There are going to be some who are going to come before you and are going to say, ‘Oh, no, no, no. This is not what the Founders intended.’ The Founders made sure that the first obligation of the American government was to protect the lives of the American people, and we can do this in a way that’s smart and cost-effective and protects civil liberties. But you know, you can’t enjoy your civil liberties if you’re in a coffin."