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Trust.

I am slowly learning that the only person you can truly trust is yourself. Not in a morbid way, but it’s true. You have absolutely no idea what other people are thinking really and this is why it’s so important to work on your personal growth and self esteem so that when/if things don’t go to plan, you have the best possible support to fall back on within yourself.

After everything I’ve been through relationship wise over the last few years, I decided to trust in love again – albeit cautiously – and promised myself I wouldn’t get involved with someone too deeply until I was ready. Well, I recently met somebody who put a huge smile on my face and decided to put all of my past experience behind me. It was great until I found out he wasn’t being honest with me in the slightest – but this is anything but a negative post, weirdly.

This experience has taught me several things. The first being that I am more emotionally stable right now than I’ve ever been (it took a season of ‘The Hills’ (lol) and a pack of cigarettes to stop feeling sad about it, which is fucking good going). The second is that I’m absolutely certain about what I want from life these days and I’m not afraid to ask for it, I was so proud of myself for being totally transparent from the start – even if it turns out he wasn’t. The third is that my self esteem has never been higher; as soon as I clocked the lies, I disconnected from the situation because it no longer required my energy. His apologies after that point really didn’t matter, I simply wished him well (and genuinely meant it) before swiftly deleting his number.

The only thing I can do right now is keep being honest and kind and to know that when somebody lies, or is hurtful, that it’s not a reflection of my value as a human being. It’s generally because they’re feeling confused themselves. I used to take everything so personally, but do you know what? We all get lost sometimes and the majority of us are just trying to do our best. We’re an incredibly disconnected generation and dating is hard! There are so many options at our fingertips and we’re used to instant gratification in pretty much every area of our lives. Meaningful relationships require patience and effort, two concepts the majority of millennials are desperately swiping to avoid.

But if I’ve learnt anything by 26, it’s that I deserve someone to be completely and utterly sure of me… and if they’re not? I’ll wish them well and move along. I’m never going to hang around trying to convince someone to love me.

I’m smiling as I write this because I’ve come so far. Every single day is a learning curve and a chance for self reflection. I just have to keep the faith and trust that the universe knows what it’s doing.