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Monday, May 5, 2008

Knowing

Obviously, I am behind in posting. I was hoping to post as things happened, but life sometimes gets in the way! So, I will recap the last 2 weeks since the insemination.

It’s a bizarre feeling to know what could be happening in your body. I bounced from hoping, to wondering, to willing it to happen. I don’t think that I ever fully stopped thinking about it. I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what it feels like to be a teenager and have to wait to find out if your life will be forever altered.

As I write this I struggle with what tense to use. Should I write it as if it’s occurring, walking you through the process…..but then that’s impossible because I am at the point that I know the outcome, so it feels artificial to portray the anticipation.

I can’t begin to put words to the emotions that I have experienced over the last couple of weeks. My mind would not allow me to wonder too far from focus on my uterus. I consider every move I make, questioning if it will have an effect or if I will attribute a failed attempt to it. It’s difficult not to talk about it, let alone to not think about it. I do make a concerted effort to live my life as normally as possible. I realize how someone can become obsessed with getting pregnant. Hopefully, I can be more grounded than that.

About 10 days after the insemination, I have the urge to take a pregnancy test, but somehow will myself to wait. I had no idea I had this much willpower!!! I convince myself that I just want to know. I can’t allow myself to generate too much hope, but every twinge in my body is taken as a sign of pregnancy and I have to talk myself out of believing. I have heard numerous women say that they just knew, and I crave this knowing, but it refuses to cooperate. Damn rational thought process!

On day 26 of my cycle, I wake up knowing I will take the test! I try to control the excitement, knowing that the more hope I allow myself the more disappointment I may have to face. We are all aware of my morning routine, but I wake up early and am unable to snooze….go figure. So I get up and pee on the stick. Go let Shadow out, forcing the anticipation out of my mind. I only have to wait 3 mins, but it feels like an eternity! As I walk back up the stairs, Shadow flying up before me to dive back into bed, I remind myself that a negative result isn’t necessarily indicative of a failed attempt. It’s still a couple days early. (The most accurate results are after the date of your expected period, which is typically day 28 for me.) I try to find that feeling of knowing, but it’s not there, and I walk into the bathroom with such nervous anticipation. There is only one line and a sadness washes over me. Again I am reminded that I am doing this alone. There is no one to share my burden.

I get into the shower, silently convincing myself that there is still a possibility that I am pregnant, but it’s false, even to myself. Deep down, I know! But I choose hope for now.

The next day, my period begins and the sadness creeps in. I feel alone, all the while knowing that I have so many supports to reach out to, but I am painfully aware that the loneliness belongs to me. I can’t give it away, so I embrace it and give it its due. Tomorrow it can be set aside.