traumahttp://www.scarleteen.com/taxonomy/term/575/all
enSex after FGChttp://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/sex_after_fgc
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>I was just wondering...can a girl have <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a> if she has undergone genital mutilation? Because I know a girl who has, and she said it was a TYPE 1 <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3666"><dfn title="A surgical removal of the foreskin from the penis, most often done in infancy, and most often done because of cultural or religious beliefs, parental aesthetic preferences or concerns about health. In some cases, circumcision is done at other times of life and/or for medical reasons.">circumcision</dfn></a> and that she couldn't have sex EVER. Also, is there any way she will ever be able to reverse the mutilation? What limitations will she face, compared to a person who hasn't been mutilated? Thanks a lot for your answer!</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/abuse_assault/sex_after_fgc">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> BodiesGenderPoliticsSexualityAbuse & AssaultAdviceanatomyclitoriscultureembodimentFGCFGMgenitalguestinjurymutilationorgasmpainpleasurepoliticsscarringsexsexualitystimulationtraumawomenFri, 22 Oct 2010 18:33:22 +0000Heather Corinna3279 at http://www.scarleteen.comRepelled and repulsed by all things sex...including reading this sitehttp://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/repelled_and_repulsed_by_all_things_sexincluding_reading_this_site
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>I have a question...so I was reading some of the questions that you answered and I noticed a strange feeling. The more I read of your site the more I am repelled by the idea of <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a>. I find that I start to lose trust in the people around me and question the things that they might do. I wonder just how normal they are, or if they are freaks who do <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3348"><dfn title="About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.">sexual</dfn></a> things with anyone or if they are <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3341"><dfn title="In the context of sexuality, a word for sexual orientation which either describes a man who is sexually and emotionally attracted to other men, or a person of any sex or gender who is sexually and emotionally attracted to people of the same or a similar sex or gender. Often used alongside lesbian.
">gay</dfn></a> or have some hidden agenda. The more I read about fourteen and fifteen year old girls having sex or doing sexual things the more I want to leave my house and hike out to the wilderness to live among the trees and rocks who live beyond the debilitation of civilization. I feel so alone, like I am the only one left who cares and that I am being pulled down with the rest of the world. Am I weird? Is there something unnatural or wrong with me for hating this all so much? Am I a bad person? Please be honest, I really want to know.</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/advice/repelled_and_repulsed_by_all_things_sexincluding_reading_this_site">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> RelationshipsSexualityAdviceadvocacyasexualbeliefschoicecommunicationjudgementopinionssexsexual valuessexualitytraumavaluesTue, 19 Oct 2010 04:05:13 +0000CJ3266 at http://www.scarleteen.comMy boyfriend has boundaries and responses to sex I don't know how to deal with.http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/my_boyfriend_has_boundaries_and_responses_to_sex_i_dont_know_how_to_deal_with
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>My boyfriend has a problem with <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a>, I know him very well and I know he's not just being a guy. He likes to play around a lot but he's very iffy about me touching him I don't know how to help this or what to do... he did have a really terrible experience when he was younger but he's had long term relationships and he has slept with other women but only 2. He wants to have sex we've tried it once but he got too nervous about it and pulled away I don't know how to handle this situation?</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/abuse_assault/my_boyfriend_has_boundaries_and_responses_to_sex_i_dont_know_how_to_deal_with">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> GenderRelationshipsSexualitySexual IdentityAbuse & AssaultAdviceabuseassaultboundariesboyfriendcommunicationdealingexpectationsexperienceexperimentmasculinitymenneedsopenpartnerpartnershippulling backraperelationshipssexsexualitysupporttalkingtraumavulnerabilitywantswomenTue, 15 Jun 2010 21:39:55 +0000Heather Corinna3109 at http://www.scarleteen.comYes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklisthttp://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist
<div class="field field-type-text field-field-author">
<div class="field-label">Author:&nbsp;</div>
<div class="field-items">
<div class="field-item odd">
Heather Corinna and CJ Turett </div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="field field-type-text field-field-introduction">
<div class="field-label">Introduction:&nbsp;</div>
<div class="field-items">
<div class="field-item odd">
What do or might you want to do, not want to do or aren&#039;t sure about when it comes to sex with a partner? What about your partner? </div>
</div>
</div>
<p>Clear, truthful and open <strong><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/be_a_blabbermouth_the_whys_whats_and_hows_of_talking_about_sex_with_a_partner">communication</a></strong> is a must with partnered sex. It's the best way to assure everyone is fully and freely consenting as well as physically and emotionally safe; to help sex and sexual relationships be as satisfying, positive and awesome as they can be. We can't just know or guess what we or others want or need, like or dislike, are or are not okay with: we need to communicate those things and have them communicated to us.</p>
<p>Starting deep and honest communication about sex can be daunting, especially in areas which can be more loaded, tricky or where we feel vulnerable. Someone might ask what you do or don't like, or what may or may not be okay with you, and you may find you -- or a partner, when they're asked -- have a hard time knowing how to respond. It might be particularly tough to start these conversations if talking about sex openly and out loud is something you've never done. When sex is newer to us, we may not even have a sense of all there is to talk <em>about</em>. It can feel like being asked what you want to eat at a restaurant without having a menu to even know your options. We might also sometimes find ourselves feeling inclined to only say what we think a partner wants to hear, or only responding to what they bring up rather than putting our own stuff on the table and initiating our own questions.</p>
<p>Yes, No and Maybe lists aren't something we invented. They've been used for a long time by sexuality educators, sex therapists, communities, couples and individuals, and they can be seriously useful tools. So, we've made one specifically for Scarleteen readers including all the issues <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice">you ask us about</a> and we've <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php">talked about together</a> over the years.</p>
<p><div class="pullquote"><hr /><div class="quotecontent">&nbsp;¿Prefieres leer en español? Tenemos "Sí, no, quizá" <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/s%C3%AD_no_quizá_un_inventario_sexual">aquí.</a> </div><hr /></div></p>
<h3>How can you use this list?</h3>
<p><strong>1)</strong> You can either just read through it online, using it as a mental self-evaluation tool or talking with a partner as you both scroll through it. Or, you can print it out using the PDF file linked at the <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/4562"><dfn title="This term may refer to the person taking the more submissive role during a sexual encounter, or sometimes to refer to the "receptive" partner during penetrative sex. It can also be used as a verb- "to bottom" is to act as the bottom in a sexual encounter.">bottom</dfn></a> of this page, and fill it in by hand. (It makes a fine bedfellow for our <strong><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/ready_or_not_the_scarleteen_sex_readiness_checklist">Sex Readiness Checklist</a></strong>, too!)</p>
<p><strong>2)</strong> First do it alone. Take your time, especially with areas or questions you haven't thought about before or haven't had experience with yet. When you're answering, figure this is about now: not right this very second, but in your life overall at this time and over the next few months. If you're answering about things you have no experience with, go with your gut on what you feel like you want. You might <em>only</em> use it for self-evaluation and your own decision-making, to get a better sense of where you stand or what you want to talk about with a partner without sharing it or having them fill it out for themselves.</p>
<p><strong>3)</strong> If you want to do it with a partner? Even though we use the term "partner" here to mean anyone with whom you'd be engaging in any kind of sexual contact or relationship, <strong>this is not first-date stuff.</strong> This is a lot of very personal information for anyone to give or ask for. Young people often tell us they want some serious sexual intimacy: this is that kind of intimacy, big time. It would be overwhelming to find flopped in one's hands after only hanging out for a few days. If you're doing it with someone, you want to have been together for a while to have built some trust, to have some <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/hello_sailor_how_to_build_board_and_navigate_a_healthy_relationship">solid sense of your relationship</a> and to have already started to discuss many things on this list already. If there are areas of this you don't feel ready to talk about, or that just make you really uncomfortable, feel free to hack it up in a word doc to make it into what you need and want. If you are going to do this with a partner, also be sure you're both earnestly ready to know and accept all of each other's truths (and to be truthful). Make some agreements in advance about the way you'll both address this with each other with maturity and care.</p>
<p>The coding guide for the list is below. A yes is an "I want to" or "I think I would," and a no is "I don't want to" or "I don't think I would." A maybe is an "I might," either only with certain people, at certain times, or in other specific circumstances. If there's something where you just have no idea, that's an IDK. None of these answers are a commitment to always say yes or no to anything, or a promise you'll say either: they're just assessments of how you generally feel about them. Your answers to this list may, and probably will, change over time: you may find something that's a yes now becomes a no after you try it, or that a no now is something you discover you're interested in down the road. Figure it's a snapshot of this point in time and an ever-evolving work in progress, just like you and your sexuality.</p>
<p>We included a code for fantasy. People often confuse what someone fantasizes about with what someone wants to actually or potentially do, which is especially a doozy for young people who can tend to feel freaked by the idea that fantasies must be "want-to-do's" rather than just "really-like-to-think-abouts." Recognizing the difference is important and can also take a lot of pressure off sharing fantasies. N/A is for the things that just don't apply to you: like, I can't get anyone pregnant, so those questions would be an N/A for me. You'll find some fill-in-the-blanks in this list, too.</p>
<p>Lists like this are not finish lines but starting points: for evaluating your own sexuality and/or for deeper conversations with someone else. This is so you can <em>start</em> thinking about things for yourself, or start having conversations with a partner. At the end of each section, we've included a few sample jumping-off points for conversations to give you some ideas.</p>
<p><div class="pullquote"><hr /><div class="quotecontent"><strong>Code Guide</strong> Y = Yes<br />
N = No<br />
M = Maybe<br />
IDK = I don't know<br />
F = Fantasy<br />
N/A = not applicable</div><hr /></div></p>
<h3>Body Boundaries</h3>
<p>___ A partner touching me affectionately without asking first<br />
___ Touching a partner affectionately without asking first<br />
___ A partner touching me sexually without asking first<br />
___ Touching a partner sexually without asking first<br />
___ A partner touching me affectionately in public<br />
___ Touching a partner affectionately in public<br />
___ A partner touching me sexually in public<br />
___ Touching a partner sexually in public<br />
___ Having my shirt/<a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/4561"><dfn title="This term may refer to the person taking a more dominant role during a sexual encounter, or sometimes to refer to the insertive partner during penetrative sex. It can also be used as a verb- "to top someone" is to act as the "top" with regard to your encounter with them. ">top</dfn></a> off with a partner<br />
___ Having a partner's shirt/top off<br />
___ Having my pants/bottoms off with a partner<br />
___ Having a partner's pants/bottoms off<br />
___ Being completely naked with a partner with the lights off or low<br />
___ A partner being completely naked with the lights off or low<br />
___ Being completely naked with a partner with the lights on<br />
___ A partner being completely naked with the lights on<br />
___ Direct eye contact<br />
___ Being looked at directly, overall, when I am naked<br />
___ Grooming or toileting in front of a partner<br />
___ A partner grooming/using the toilet in front of me<br />
___ A partner looking directly at my <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3329"><dfn title="External sexual or reproductive organs.">genitals</dfn></a><br />
___ A partner talking about my body<br />
___ Talking about a partner's body<br />
___ Some or all of a disability, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3378"><dfn title="The defining character or personality of an individual; who we feel like we are as a person. Identity is often used to talk about sexual identity -- who we are as sexual people, which can include things like our sexual orientation, our preferences and things we like and want in sex and sexuality, our sexual politics -- or gender identity, who we feel we are and identify as (even if only to ourselves) in terms of our gender.">identity</dfn></a> or difference I have being specifically made part of sex, sexualized or objectified<br />
___ Some or all of a disability, identity or difference a partner has being specifically made part of sex, sexualized or objectified<br />
___ Some or all kinds of sex during a <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/4560"><dfn title="Having to do with menstruation.">menstrual</dfn></a> <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3435"><dfn title="The fluid, which contains blood, from the shedding of the uterine lining usually at the end of each fertility cycle. Or, that flow you perhaps may have experienced once while shouting, "Oh thank GAWD!"">period</dfn></a><br />
___ Seeing or being exposed to other kinds of body fluids (like <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3427"><dfn title="Fluid which comes from the urethra of the penis during ejaculation, and which usually contains sperm. Sperm cells are only about 2-5% of hat's in semen: semen also contains amino acids, enzymes, flavins, fructose, prostaglandins, proteins, acids and other elements. In human reproduction, semen both helps sperm "swim," and counteract the acidic nature of the vagina, which would otherwise be hostile to sperm.">semen</dfn></a>, sweat or urine)<br />
___ Shaving/trimming/removing my own <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/4559"><dfn title="The hair that grows around the genital and anal regions (often extending a ways up the front or back and onto the inner thights) and usually first appears around puberty. It may vary in color, texture, length, and thickness.">pubic hair</dfn></a><br />
___ Shaving/trimming/removing a partner's pubic hair<br />
___ Other:<br />
___ Other:</p>
<p>Some parts of my body are just off-limits. Those are:</p>
<p>I am not comfortable looking at, touching or feeling some parts of another person's body. Those are:</p>
<p>I am triggered by (have a post-traumatic response to) something(s) about body boundaries. Those are/that is:</p>
<p><span class="inline inline-left"><img src="http://www.scarleteen.com/sites/files/scarleteen/images/q_0.jpg" alt="" title="" class="image image-_original " width="26" height="27" /></span><em>What helps me feel most comfortable being naked with someone? What ways a partner does or may talk about my body make or could make me feel uncomfortable? What do I "count" as sexual touching and what do I consider affectionate touching?</em></p>
<h3>Words &amp; Terms</h3>
<p>I prefer the following <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3320"><dfn title="Characteristics that are seen or presented as distinguishing between male and female. Gender may or may not include assigned or chosen: sex, social roles, feelings, behaviors and/or presentation or appearance.
">gender</dfn></a>/sexual identity or role words (like man, woman, boi, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3530"><dfn title="Describes a person who is intentionally feminine in appearance, behavior, dress, identity or sexual attitude. Often used in relation to butch. Most often used in the LGBT community, but can refer to people of any orientation.">femme</dfn></a>, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3432"><dfn title="Describes a person who is intentionally masculine in appearance, behavior, dress, identity or sexual attitude. Often used in relation to femme. Most often used in the LGBT community, but can refer to people of any orientation. However, some people see use of the word "butch" as an insult.">butch</dfn></a>, top, etc.) to be used for me:</p>
<p>I prefer my chest or breasts be referred to as:</p>
<p>I prefer my genitals to be referred to as:</p>
<p>I prefer my <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3352"><dfn title="A term -- like homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, queer, straight, lesbian, gay, asexual -- used to describe a person's usual or current pattern of emotional, romantic and/or sexual attraction to other people in terms of gender.">sexual orientation</dfn></a> and/or identity to be referred to as:</p>
<p>Some words I am not okay with to refer to me, my identity, my body or, or which I am uncomfortable using or hearing about, with or during any kind of sex are:</p>
<p>I am triggered by certain words or language. Those are/that is:</p>
<p><span class="inline inline-left"><img src="http://www.scarleteen.com/sites/files/scarleteen/images/q_0.jpg" alt="" title="" class="image image-_original " width="26" height="27" /></span><em>Are certain words okay in some settings or situations but not in others? How flexible am I with what a partner might want to call something I like calling something else? Why do I use the words for my parts that I do?</em></p>
<h3>Relationship Models &amp; Choices</h3>
<p>___ A partner talking to close friends about our sex life<br />
___ Talking to close friends about my sex life<br />
___ A partner talking to acquaintances, family or co-workers about our sex life<br />
___ Talking to acquaintances, family or co-workers about my sex life<br />
___ An <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3512"><dfn title="Something that is not divided or shared with others; which excludes others based on a given criteria.">exclusive</dfn></a> <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3511"><dfn title="Of, or relating to, sexual or courtly love or interest.">romantic</dfn></a> relationship<br />
___ An exclusive sexual relationship<br />
___ Some kind of casual or occasional open/<a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3513"><dfn title="Describes something which does not exclude others in some way, which is open.
">non-exclusive</dfn></a> romantic relationship<br />
___ Some kind of casual or occasional open/non-exclusive sexual relationship<br />
___ Some kind of serious or ongoing open/non-exclusive romantic relationship<br />
___ Some kind of serious or ongoing open/non-exclusive sexual relationship<br />
___ Sex of some kind(s) with one partner at a time, only<br />
___ Sex of some kind(s) with two partners at a time<br />
___ Sex of some kind(s) with three partners at a time<br />
___ Sex of some kind(s) with more than three partners at a time<br />
___ A partner directing/deciding for me in some way with sex<br />
___ Directing or deciding for a partner in some way with sex<br />
___ Other:<br />
___ Other:</p>
<p><span class="inline inline-left"><img src="http://www.scarleteen.com/sites/files/scarleteen/images/q_0.jpg" alt="" title="" class="image image-_original " width="26" height="27" /></span><em>What kind of agreements do/would I want with the kinds of relationships models I want or am interested in? What are my personal values with relationships and simultaneous sexual partners?</em></p>
<p><div class="pullquote"><hr /><div class="quotecontent">Not sure which activities put you or a partner at risk of what? No problem. You can find out <strong><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/article/crisis/sti_risk_assessment_the_cliffs_notes">right here</a></strong>.</div><hr /></div></p>
<h3><a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3424"><dfn title="Practices which aim to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections, such as use of condoms and other latex/nonlatex barriers, regular testing for infections and limiting the number of sexual partners. It's "safer" instead of "safe" because these practices can reduce risks greatly, but cannot remove all risk.">Safer Sex</dfn></a> and Overall Safety Items and Behaviors</h3>
<p>___ Sharing my sexual history with a partner<br />
___ A partner sharing their sexual history with me<br />
___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose high risks of certain or all <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3384"><dfn title="STIs: illness, infection and/or disease which is often or can be transmitted through sexual or other intimate contact, like HIV, Chlamydia or Herpes. Some people call STIs STDs.">sexually transmitted infections</dfn></a> (STIs)<br />
___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose moderate risks of certain or all sexually transmitted infections (STIs)<br />
___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose low risks of certain or all sexually transmitted infections (STIs)<br />
___ Using a <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3356"><dfn title="A thin sheath or tube of latex or another material, worn over the penis during sex to prevent or reduce the risk of pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted infections.
">condom</dfn></a> with a partner, always<br />
___ Using a condom with a partner, not always<br />
___ Putting on a condom myself<br />
___ Putting on a condom for someone else<br />
___ Someone else putting on a condom for me<br />
___ Using a <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3519"><dfn title="A barrier used for safer sex during cunnilingus or analingus, usually a thin sheet of latex. Dental dams can also be self-made by altering a condom or latex glove with scissors.">dental dam</dfn></a>, with a partner, always<br />
___ Using a dental dam, with a partner, not always<br />
___ Putting on a dental dam for myself<br />
___ Putting a dental dam on someone else<br />
___ Someone else putting a dental dam on me<br />
___ Using a latex glove with a partner, always<br />
___ Using a latex glove with a partner, not always<br />
___ Putting on a latex glove for myself<br />
___ Putting on a latex glove for someone else<br />
___ Someone else putting a latex glove on me<br />
___ Using <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3332"><dfn title="A fluid used in order to make kinds of sex (such as masturbation, vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse or manual sex) more pleasant and comfortable, and/or to help prevent condoms from breaking by decreasing friction.
">lubricant</dfn></a> with a partner<br />
___ Applying lubricant to myself<br />
___ Applying lubricant on a partner<br />
___ Someone else putting lubricant on me<br />
___ Getting tested for STIs before sex with a partner<br />
___ Getting regularly tested for STIs by myself<br />
___ Getting tested for STIs with a partner<br />
___ A partner getting regularly tested for STIs<br />
___ Sharing STI test results with a partner<br />
___ Doing things which might cause me momentary or minor discomfort or pain<br />
___ Doing things which might cause a partner momentary or minor discomfort or pain<br />
___ Doing things which might cause me sustained or major discomfort or pain<br />
___ Doing things which might cause a partner sustained or major discomfort or pain<br />
___ Being unable to communicate clearly during sex<br />
___ Having a partner be unable to communicate clearly<br />
___ Initiating or having sex while or after I have been using alcohol or other recreational drugs<br />
___ A partner initiating or having sex while or after using alcohol or other recreational drugs<br />
___ Other:<br />
___ Other:</p>
<p>I am triggered by something(s) around sexual safety, or need additional safety precautions because of triggers. Those are/that is:</p>
<p><span class="inline inline-left"><img src="http://www.scarleteen.com/sites/files/scarleteen/images/q_0.jpg" alt="" title="" class="image image-_original " width="26" height="27" /></span><em>Are sexual history conversations loaded for me? Do I have any double-standards with safer sex, testing or other safety? What makes me feel some risk is worth it, while another isn't?</em></p>
<h3>Sexual Responses</h3>
<p>___ Experiencing or expressing unexpected or challenging emotions before, during or after sex<br />
___ A partner experiencing or expressing or challenging emotions before, during or after sex<br />
___ Not experiencing or expressing expected emotions before, during or after sex<br />
___ A partner not experiencing or expressing expected emotions before, during or after sex<br />
___ Feeling and being aroused (sexually excited), alone<br />
___ Feeling and being aroused, with or in front of a partner<br />
___ Having genital sexual response, like <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3376"><dfn title="When a body part, such as the penis or parts of the vulva, becomes filled with blood and enlarges and/or becomes more firm.">erection</dfn></a> or lubrication, alone<br />
___ Having genital sexual response, like erection or lubrication, seen or felt by a partner<br />
___ Not having or "losing" erection or lubrication, alone<br />
___ Not having or "losing" erection or lubrication, with or in front of a partner<br />
___ Being unable to reach <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3354"><dfn title="An event typically in response to physical or intellectual sexual stimulation, controlled by the involuntary nervous system. Orgasm often results in muscle contractions in and around the genitals, other muscular spasms throughout the body, and a feeling of sexual and/or tension release.">orgasm</dfn></a>, alone<br />
___ Being unable to reach orgasm, with a partner<br />
___ Having one orgasm, alone<br />
___ Having one orgasm, with or in front of a partner<br />
___ Having more than one orgasm, alone<br />
___ Having more than one orgasm, with or in front of a partner<br />
___ Ejaculating, alone<br />
___ Ejaculating, with or in front of a partner<br />
___ Having a partner ejaculate with me/while I'm present<br />
___ Having an orgasm before or after you feel like you "should" with a partner<br />
___ Having a partner have an orgasm before or after you feel like they "should"<br />
___ Making noise during sex or orgasm, alone<br />
___ Making noise during sex or orgasm, with a partner<br />
___ Having sex interrupted by something or someone external or your own body or feelings<br />
___ Other:<br />
___ Other:</p>
<p>I am triggered by certain sexual responses of my own or those of a partner. Those are:</p>
<p>I like or don't like having or giving certain kinds of sexual aftercare (like snuggling or reaffirming emotional feelings). Those are:</p>
<p><span class="inline inline-left"><img src="http://www.scarleteen.com/sites/files/scarleteen/images/q_0.jpg" alt="" title="" class="image image-_original " width="26" height="27" /></span><em>Is what I/we think of as ideal in alignment with what our responses and comfort with them really are? What parts of sexual response make me feel vulnerable or exposed? Am I putting any pressure on myself or partners to respond a certain way?</em> <div class="pullquote"><hr /><div class="quotecontent">"Receptive" means the person in a given activity who is taking someone else into their body in some way, and "insertive" means the partner who is putting themselves into another person. "Giving" means a person doing something to someone else, and "receiving" is the person having something done to them. Language for these things is imperfect, though, since any time we're actively having sex with someone else, everyone is the "doer" not just one person.</div><hr /></div></p>
<h3>Physical and/or Sexual Activities</h3>
<p>___ <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3312"><dfn title="Ways that people seek out and/or experience sexual pleasure by themselves, without a sexual partner.">Masturbation</dfn></a><br />
___ Holding hands<br />
___ Hugging<br />
___ <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3313"><dfn title="Pressing one's lips against someone else's lips or some other body part to express affection and/or to seek out or provide sexual pleasure. May also include the tongue.">Kissing</dfn></a>, cheek or face<br />
___ Kissing, closed-mouth<br />
___ Kissing, open-mouth<br />
___ Being kissed or touched on the neck<br />
___ Kissing or touching a partner's neck<br />
___ Giving hickeys<br />
___ Getting hickeys<br />
___ Tickling, doing the tickling<br />
___ Tickling, being tickled<br />
___ Wrestling or "play-fighting"<br />
___ General massage, giving<br />
___ General massage, receiving<br />
___ Having my chest, breasts and/or nipples touched or rubbed<br />
___ Touching or rubbing a partner's the breasts, chest and/or nipples<br />
___ <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3316"><dfn title="Rubbing against the body of another person -- usually with clothes on -- to express sexual feelings or seek out sexual pleasure. "Dry humping" is a form of frottage.">Frottage</dfn></a> (dry humping/clothed body-to-body rubbing)<br />
___ <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3317"><dfn title="Rubbing one's genitals against another person's genitals directly, usually without clothing, to express sexual feelings and seek out sexual pleasure. Used most often in the context of lesbian sex. ">Tribadism</dfn></a> (scissoring, rubbing naked genitals together with a partner)<br />
___ A partner putting their mouth or tongue on my breasts or chest<br />
___ Putting my mouth or tongue on a partner's breasts or chest<br />
___ Masturbating in front of/with a partner<br />
___ A partner masturbating in front of/with me<br />
___ <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3328"><dfn title="Sometimes also called digital sex. Kinds of sex involving the hands and fingers to sexually stimulate the genitals or other parts of the body. Fingering, handjobs or "fisting" (deep manual sex) are some kinds of manual sex.">Manual sex</dfn></a> (hands or fingers on <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3324"><dfn title="One of the two external reproductive organs of male-assigned people. ">penis</dfn></a> or strap-on), receiving<br />
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers to penis or strap-on), giving<br />
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3325"><dfn title="Reproductive glands of male-assigned people outside the body, contained within the scrotum.">testes</dfn></a>), receiving<br />
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on testes), giving<br />
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3308"><dfn title="The name for the external genitals of female people or people who were assigned female sex at birth. The vulva includes the mons, external clitoris, inner and outer labia, fourchette and perineum.">vulva</dfn></a>), receiving<br />
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on vulva), giving<br />
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3323"><dfn title="The internal passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus.">vagina</dfn></a>), receiving<br />
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside vagina), giving<br />
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on or around <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3326"><dfn title="The external opening to the rectum, located between the buttocks.
">anus</dfn></a>), receiving<br />
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on or around anus), giving<br />
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3363"><dfn title="The internal passage between the anus and the colon; stores solid waste until it leaves the body through a bowel movement.
">rectum</dfn></a>), receiving<br />
___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside rectum), giving<br />
___ Ejaculating (coming) on or in a partner's body<br />
___ A partner ejaculating (coming) on or in my body<br />
___ Using sex toys (like vibrators, dildos or masturbation sleeves), alone<br />
___ Using sex toys (like vibrators, dildos or masturbation sleeves), with a partner<br />
___ <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3330"><dfn title="Use of the mouth, lips or tongue for sexual stimulation. Cunnilingus ("going down on"), fellatio ("blowjobs") and analingus ("rimming") are some common kinds of oral sex.">Oral sex</dfn></a> (to vulva), <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3453"><dfn title="A sexual partner who is having something done to them, or who is taking a part of a partner's body or a sex toy into their bodies.">receptive partner</dfn></a><br />
___ Oral sex (to vulva), doing to someone else<br />
___ Oral sex (to penis or strap-on), receptive partner<br />
___ Oral sex (to penis or strap-on), doing to someone else<br />
___ Oral sex (to testes), receptive partner<br />
___ Oral sex (to testes), doing to someone else<br />
___ Oral sex (to anus), receptive partner<br />
___ Oral sex (to anus), doing to someone else<br />
___ <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3334"><dfn title="When a penis or sex toy is inserted into and held by the vagina while partners move their bodies as feels good to them for the purpose of either sexual stimulation and/or reproduction.">Vaginal intercourse</dfn></a>, receptive partner<br />
___ Vaginal intercourse, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3454"><dfn title="A sexual partner who is inserting a part of their bodies into a partner's body in some way.">insertive partner</dfn></a><br />
___ <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3335"><dfn title="When a penis is inserted into and held by the anus while partners move their bodies as feels good to them for the purpose of sexual stimulation.">Anal intercourse</dfn></a>, receptive partner<br />
___ Anal intercourse, insertive partner<br />
___ Using food items as a part of sex<br />
___ Cross-dressing during sex<br />
___ Having a partner cross-dress during sex<br />
___ Biting a partner<br />
___ Being bitten by a partner<br />
___ Scratching a partner<br />
___ Being scratched by a partner<br />
___ Wearing something that covers my eyes<br />
___ A partner wearing something that covers their eyes<br />
___ Having my movement restricted<br />
___ Restricting the movement of a partner<br />
___ Being slapped or spanked by a partner in the context of sexual pleasure<br />
___ Slapping or spanking a partner in the context of sexual pleasure<br />
___ Pinching or having any kind of clamp used on my body during sex<br />
___ Pinching a partner or using any kind of clamp on them during sex<br />
___ Other:<br />
___ Other:</p>
<p>I am triggered by certain sexual activities. Those are:</p>
<p><span class="inline inline-left"><img src="http://www.scarleteen.com/sites/files/scarleteen/images/q_0.jpg" alt="" title="" class="image image-_original " width="26" height="27" /></span><em>If I said yes to something but my partner said maybe, what conditions might make their maybe a yes? With a partner, can we each live with and accept our no's? What <em>ways</em> do each of us, so far, know we like things done we've said we would do/like to do?</em></p>
<h3>Non-Physical (or not necessarily physical) Sexual Activities</h3>
<p>___ Communicating my sexual fantasies to/with a partner<br />
___ Receiving information about a partner's sexual fantasies<br />
___ Role-play<br />
___ <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3451"><dfn title="Sexual encounters or experiences in which people talk about sex or role-play sexually via the telephone, often paired with masturbation.">Phone sex</dfn></a><br />
___ <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3450"><dfn title="Virtual (as in, not in person) sexual experiences or encounters which involve text conversations and/or visual exchanges via the Internet.">Cybersex</dfn></a>, in IM<br />
___ Cybersex, in chat room<br />
___ Cybersex, on cell phone<br />
___ Getting sexual images of a partner in my email or on my phone<br />
___ Giving sexual images to a partner in their email or on their phone<br />
___ Reading <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3515"><dfn title="Written, visual or other kinds of media either expressly designed to elicit feelings of sexual desire and/or which people use to elicit those feelings.">pornography</dfn></a> or <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3516"><dfn title="Written, visual or other kinds of media either expressly designed to elicit feelings of sexual desire and/or which people use to elicit those feelings.">erotica</dfn></a>, alone<br />
___ Reading pornography or erotica, with a partner<br />
___ Viewing pornography, alone<br />
___ Viewing pornography, with a partner<br />
___ A partner reading or viewing pornography<br />
___ Giving pornography/erotica to a partner<br />
___ Getting pornography/erotica from a partner<br />
___ Other:<br />
___ Other:</p>
<p>I am triggered by certain non-physical sexual activities. Those are:</p>
<p><span class="inline inline-left"><img src="http://www.scarleteen.com/sites/files/scarleteen/images/q_0.jpg" alt="" title="" class="image image-_original " width="26" height="27" /></span><em>How do non-physical sexual activities figure into our/my relationship agreements? How big a role do non-physical sexual activities play in my sex life or do I want them to play?</em></p>
<p><div class="pullquote"><hr /><div class="quotecontent">Not sure what poses a possible <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3390"><dfn title="The state of carrying a developing embryo or fetus within the uterus. Medically, someone is considered to be regnant when an egg has been fertilized by sperm, cells divide, and the fertilized egg is implanted within the lining of the uterus.">pregnancy</dfn></a> risk? Have a look at this <strong><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/article/reproduction/whats_the_risk_easy_pregnancy_risk_assessments">right here</a></strong>. Need to know what reliable forms of <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3438"><dfn title="Any number of methods people use to intentionally prevent unwanted pregnancy, including the condom, the cervical barrier, the implant, the patch, the pill, the rhythm method, the ring, the shot, the IUD, spermicide and withdrawal.
">birth control</dfn></a> are? <strong><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/birth_control_bingo">Check it.</a></strong></div><hr /></div></p>
<h3>Birth Control/Reproductive Choices</h3>
<p>___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose a risk of pregnancy without using a reliable method of birth control<br />
___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose a risk of pregnancy with a reliable form of birth control<br />
___ Using <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3517"><dfn title="A method of contraception used to prevent pregnancy after sex or rape has already occurred, rather than used before or during, like most types of contraception.">emergency contraception</dfn></a><br />
___ Having a partner use emergency contraception<br />
___ Becoming pregnant<br />
___ Creating a pregnancy with a partner<br />
___ Helping a partner throughout a pregnancy and delivery<br />
___ Experiencing a loss with a pregnancy, like <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3310"><dfn title="When a pregnancy ends before birth all by itself, often without anyone having done anything to make that happen.">miscarriage</dfn></a> or <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3309"><dfn title="A procedure to intentionally end a pregnancy before a birth. Miscarriage is also sometimes called "spontaneous abortion," even though it is usually not intended.
">abortion</dfn></a><br />
___ Supporting a partner through a loss with a pregnancy, like miscarriage or abortion<br />
___ Parenting with a partner<br />
___ Parenting by myself<br />
___ Paying child support for a pregnancy I co-created<br />
___ Terminating a pregnancy (abortion)<br />
___ A partner terminating a pregnancy (abortion)<br />
___ Choosing adoption if there was a pregnancy<br />
___ Other:<br />
___ Other:</p>
<p><span class="inline inline-left"><img src="http://www.scarleteen.com/sites/files/scarleteen/images/q_0.jpg" alt="" title="" class="image image-_original " width="26" height="27" /></span><em>In what situations do I see myself making a given reproductive choice (if applicable)? How do/might I feel about a partner having very different answers in this section than I do, and how would that impact my choice to be with them?</em></p>
<p><strong>Think we left anything major out we need to add in? <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/contact">Let us know!</a></strong></p>
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RelationshipsSexualitySexual IdentityAdviceabuseacceptanceactivitiesbirth controlbodyboundarieschecklistchoicescommunicationdisabilitygenderhealthhistoryhonestyidentityintimacylanguageloveorgasmpartnerpleasurereadinessreproductive choicerespectresponsesafer sexsexsexualitytermstraumatriggertruthworking it outThu, 10 Jun 2010 17:48:29 +0000Heather Corinna3097 at http://www.scarleteen.comDid rape ruin my vagina forever?http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/did_rape_ruin_my_vagina_forever
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>I was raped about seven months ago and my <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3323"><dfn title="The internal passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus.">vagina</dfn></a> hasn't felt the same ever since: it has felt more open. My boyfriend and I just started having <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a> about a month ago. I asked him if I felt loose, because ever since the incident I haven't felt good about my vagina. He said that I am definitely not tight. I looked at my vagina with a mirror and noticed that the opening isn't completely closed. I tried inserting a small <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/4565"><dfn title="An insertive sex toy that usually looks more or less like a penis (but can sometimes bear little resemblance) and is usually made from silicone or rubber, but can also be made with glass, wood, metal, or any number of innovative materials. Come in an endless variety of sizes, shapes, and colors. ">dildo</dfn></a> and standing up but the dildo fell out. I can easily insert one finger with little resistance. I have tried doing kegels but still feel like my vagina is open and loose. I cry about this and feel really self conscious. Is it possible that because when I was raped the rapist was really rough with me that my vagina is broken forever? Thank you.</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/abuse_assault/did_rape_ruin_my_vagina_forever">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> BodiesSexualityAbuse & AssaultAdviceabuseappearanceassaultbody imagebody memoriescarecounselingfourchettegenitalhealinghymeninjurylacerationlooseopenpartnerperceptionRAINNrapesexsupportsurvivorteartraumavaginavulvaMon, 26 Oct 2009 23:03:52 +0000Heather Corinna2649 at http://www.scarleteen.comHow do I deal with the results of a medical trauma or abuse?http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/how_do_i_deal_with_the_results_of_a_medical_trauma_or_abuse
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>Hi, I'm sixteen and about four months ago I was treated at the hospital for severe anemia due to over excessive <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3490"><dfn title="The shedding of the uterine lining as part of the menstrual cycle.
">menstruation</dfn></a>. While I was there, I had to have a pelvic exam done, and I'm already really shy, and I've never been touched like that or even have had a boyfriend. So the doctor (who was a man) was about to do it, but I was so scared he had to physically spread my legs apart. Then he put the speculum in and did whatever, but he had to push through the <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3461"><dfn title="A thin membrane without nerve endings that most female-assigned people are born with that is just inside the vaginal opening. It gradually wears away over time due to hormones, vaginal discharges, general physical activity, sex and masturbation and/or childbirth. It does not snap, crackle or pop.">hymen</dfn></a>, and it hurt pretty badly. It seemed like he didn't care at all how I was doing, or anything. Now I cringe when people mention <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a> or anything like it because it reminds me of him and the pain and embarrassment. How am I ever going to trust a man enough again to let him get close, and how can I block this event out of my head?</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/abuse_assault/how_do_i_deal_with_the_results_of_a_medical_trauma_or_abuse">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> BodiesGenderPoliticsAbuse & AssaultAdviceabuseanemiableedingcasecomplaintcounselingdoctorexamfilinghealinghospitalmaltreatmentmedical boardmedicinemenmenorrhagiapatientpelvic examperiodrightssexsexualstandards of caresupportteentraumatreatmentMon, 04 May 2009 13:53:45 +0000Heather Corinna2479 at http://www.scarleteen.comThe Pursuit of Hopehttp://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/the_pursuit_of_hope
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<div class="field-label">Author:&nbsp;</div>
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<div class="field-item odd">
Kelly Addington </div>
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<div class="field field-type-text field-field-introduction">
<div class="field-label">Introduction:&nbsp;</div>
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It was my personal mission to break the silence, not just for myself but for others who were not yet ready to speak. I wanted to share my story with whoever was willing to listen in hopes of making a difference in someone’s life. Look out world; I am on a mission to end sexual violence! </div>
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<p>The months that followed the most horrific experience of my life are masked by layers of thick fog. </p>
<p>During the fall semester of my senior year in college I was sexually assaulted, became pregnant and miscarried. I thought about what happened every single day and longed for the moment that my thoughts would no longer be consumed with feelings of anger, guilt, loneliness and shame. </p>
<p>Weeks after the shock of being raped began to wear away I felt completely lost and alone. When the feeling of pure <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3388"><dfn title="A serious or critical physical and/or emotional injury or physically and/or emotionally painful experience.">trauma</dfn></a> started to settle and I was left alone with my thoughts my emotions quickly took over and rocked me to the core. Every part of my body ached. My eyes were swollen and stung from crying, my head was so congested I was pretty certain it might burst, I was so exhausted I could hardly sleep and my throat was scratchy and soar from screaming into my pillow, but none of this hurt as badly or bothered me as much as my aching heart. I have never felt so completely empty. I decided that forgetting as much as I could about what happened to me was the best way to handle the pain. </p>
<p>The haunting weeks of my recovery, also known as denial, soon turned into months and I became pretty good at ignoring my feelings. I was on my way to becoming a professional pretender or at least I thought so. I’m really good at this forgetting stuff! (Little side bar here--Survivors of <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3394"><dfn title="When someone is attacked, or attacks someone else, in a sexual way. Doing something sexual to someone who does not want that done to them, often by force or threat, or having something done to you sexually by someone else that is not wanted and/or which you have not consented to.">sexual assault</dfn></a> don’t have a strong handle on paying compliments to themselves, so I took whatever I could get at this point in the recovery process, even if it meant that my big kudos was for my new talent to forget.) As days went by it seemed to be getting easier, but sometimes the truth tried to creep back into my life, this happened mostly at night in my dreams. I tried to convince myself that the nightmares had nothing to do with me. It was someone else. It had to be. This is all very strange I know, but honestly, I was just not ready to remember. </p>
<p>One year after I was sexually assaulted I started to feel like myself again, I think. During my personal journey from victim to survivor I was trying so hard to be the Kelly everyone knew before the assault that I wasn’t sure how I felt or who I really was. What I did know is that for the first time in months I did not have to pretend to be okay, I actually was okay. </p>
<p><i>I can get through this.<br />
I will get through this.<br />
I will be okay.</i> </p>
<p>I repeated these three sentences to myself daily over and over again and it was working. I was starting to feel somewhat confident again, thank God! I started to accept the fact that I will never be the same. This experience has affected me, like it or not, it has changed me. I added two more sentences to my chant.</p>
<p><i>I will never be the same.<br />
I will be stronger. </i></p>
<p>Things got better, I felt stronger, more confident, more comfortable with the person and survivor I was becoming. I barely started to recognize the changes within me when I became certain of one thing, my purpose. It was my personal mission to break the silence, not just for myself but for others who were not yet ready to speak. I wanted to share my story with whoever was willing to listen in hopes of making a difference in someone’s life. Look out world; I am on a mission to end sexual violence! </p>
<p>For the first time I wanted to remember as much as I could and believing that I had a chance to make a difference was the driving force behind my compulsion to heal. I never imagined that I would have a tremendous urge to mentally revisit what happened to me and to remember how I felt after the assault, the <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3390"><dfn title="The state of carrying a developing embryo or fetus within the uterus. Medically, someone is considered to be regnant when an egg has been fertilized by sperm, cells divide, and the fertilized egg is implanted within the lining of the uterus.">pregnancy</dfn></a>, the mixed emotions, the recovery, everything. I wanted so badly to get the memories and thoughts I had tried so hard to repress out of my head and onto paper, a sort of cleansing of my spirit so that my soul could completely heal. A journey to heal in pursuit of hope sounds good and almost comforting when I put it like that. But truly, I was scared, really scared. Was I ready? Could I handle this? Just thinking about where to begin was overwhelming. I had pushed everything so far back in my mind that I imagined my past as a mental storage area full of plastic bins with neat labels marked “private.” I realize it’s a little insane, okay down right weird, that in midst of attempting to recover from my own personal disaster I found myself daydreaming about my issues as complaint files stored away in tidy storage containers. Super bizarre, but acceptingly my way of handling emotion overflow. </p>
<p>It was finally time to remember, time to reach into the universe and to the depths of my fragile soul for the courage to take the most frightening and intimate experience of my life and shape it into a message of hope so of course I started chanting to myself again.</p>
<p><i>I can get through this.<br />
I will get through this.<br />
I will be okay.<br />
I will never be the same.<br />
I will be stronger. </i></p>
<p>Putting my story into words would be a struggle, one that I desperately needed to take on. I wanted to force out the pain, accept the sorrow, recognize the fear, anger and shame so that I could forgive myself, let it go and heal. It was time to put my personal nightmare into words to share with the world. </p>
<p>I sat in silence, alone with a pen and paper, and a computer. Since this was my first attempt at jotting everything down I was not sure which method would help my creative juices flow. My heart was pounding, my palms were sweating and my mouth was beyond parched. This is awful, I thought and my mind began to race. I wasn’t sure what to do with all the emotions that were doing a crazy drunken river dance in my head. Being alone with my thoughts was a place I had not been to in a very long time. Where should I start? Focus. I needed to focus. It’s too quiet, way too quiet. I fumbled with the CD player and popped in Tori Amos. Cliché I know, but my girl Tori is a tough fellow survivor. I have never listened to music so intently. I closed my eyes, took some long deep breathes and listened to every note. I felt every beat from the <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/4561"><dfn title="This term may refer to the person taking a more dominant role during a sexual encounter, or sometimes to refer to the insertive partner during penetrative sex. It can also be used as a verb- "to top someone" is to act as the "top" with regard to your encounter with them. ">top</dfn></a> of my pony tail to the bottoms of my bare feet. I focused on listening to the beautifully unique sound of her voice to help calm my racing heart. </p>
<p>Then it happened. My heart opened up and I began to write. The words flooded onto the page in such a rapid pace my fingers could hardly keep up. Tears rushed down my cheeks as I continued to type. I was hopeful, determined and most importantly, I was empowered. </p>
<p>As I write about my experiences now, years after my journey of survival began; I am reminded of how my life was forever changed at the young age of twenty-two. Today I am empowered. I am hopeful. I am determined. I am a survivor. I am incredibly proud to be all of these things and to have the chance to share my story with thousands of students each year and to encourage them to stand up and speak out against sexual violence. I am a proud activist, who happens to also be a rape survivor. I still have vulnerable moments in my life when I am forced to remind myself of how much I have changed and who I have become. When this happens, I go back to the chanting thing, I repeat these words over and over in my head: strong, empowered, courageous, hopeful, determined. Yes, after all these years, I’m still talking to myself and not just because I heard it’s a sign of intelligence. Repeating the words and focusing on the positive really helps me to work through painful reflections of my past. Rather than forget, I try my best to turn these moments of reflection into opportunities for healing… Perhaps I’ve been watching too much Dr. Phil, but it really does work for me. </p>
<p>Our hearts have an amazingly powerful way of healing we just have to learn how to listen to them and never give up hope.</p>
<p><i>We can get through this.<br />
We will get through this.<br />
We will be okay.<br />
We will never be the same.<br />
We will be stronger. </i></p>
<hr />
<b>About the author:</b> Kelly is an expert on sexual assault awareness and prevention as well as sexual empowerment. While in college she endured a personal experience with sexual assault that sent Kelly and her best friend, Becca Tieder on a journey to uncover true sexual empowerment. Since 2003, Kelly and Becca have had the honor of sharing their message and educating hundreds of campuses, communities and conferences nationally. Kelly is co-founder of Unite for Change, a national campaign to support sexual assault awareness and education and co-creator of Seversations® a card game designed to encourage honest, healthy conversations about sex. She continues to be inspired by the survivors, students, campus professionals and community activists she works with and is committed to helping create communities with zero tolerance for sexual violence. For more information about Kelly and her work go to <a href="http://www.kellyandbecca.com">www.kellyandbecca.com</a> or <a href="http://www.uniteforchange.com">www.uniteforchange.com</a>.
PoliticsAbuse & AssaultIn Your Own WordsabuseactivismcarechangehealingidentityinspirationjourneyprocessraperememberingsurvivingsurvivortellingtraumaUnite for ChangevictimMon, 02 Mar 2009 23:18:49 +0000Heather Corinna2423 at http://www.scarleteen.comI want to avoid abuse triggers and flashbacks, but I really should go to see a GYN...http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/i_want_to_avoid_abuse_triggers_and_flashbacks_but_i_really_should_go_to_see_a_
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>I have a history of <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3348"><dfn title="About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.">sexual</dfn></a> <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3401"><dfn title="Purposeful harm or mistreatment of another person, which can be verbal, emotional, physical or sexual. An ongoing pattern or cycle of such mistreatment or harm can characterize an abusive relationship.
">abuse</dfn></a> which I have just started working on in therapy--including repressed memories. I have never willingly engaged in sexual experiences and I am 25 years old. A few years ago, during an ER visit for extreme pain (kidney stones) I was given an internal exam which felt out of my control. In fact, seemed forced and I left feeling very violated. Now, I have never seen a gyn even though I am much overdue. I feel like I should for health reasons but I am terrified I will have flashbacks again if the doctor touches my <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3323"><dfn title="The internal passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus.">vagina</dfn></a>. How do I deal with this? It has impacted this and my ability to seek relationships because of fear of being touched vaginally.</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/abuse_assault/i_want_to_avoid_abuse_triggers_and_flashbacks_but_i_really_should_go_to_see_a_">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> BodiesGenderAbuse & AssaultAdviceabuseassaultcommunicationdoctorexamflashbacksGYNgynecologisthealinghealthmasturbationself-explorationsexual healththerapytraumaThu, 19 Feb 2009 23:15:06 +0000CJ2416 at http://www.scarleteen.comHow do I learn to trust him?http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/how_do_i_learn_to_trust_him
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>If you have been raped by more than one person but as a result you never stay with a male in fear of becoming close to them and then you find a guy that you really like and you want to trust him but you just can't ... what should I do to make us a trusting couple?</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/abuse_assault/how_do_i_learn_to_trust_him">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> RelationshipsAbuse & AssaultAdviceabuseactionsassaultcommunicationcompetencyhealinglovepacingpartnerraperelationshipsStaci HainessurvivortimetraumatrustvulnerabilitywordsSun, 25 Jan 2009 16:02:20 +0000Heather Corinna2393 at http://www.scarleteen.comYour vagina is NOT a crystal ball. OR: What your doctor really can't tell just by looking.http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/your_vagina_is_not_a_crystal_ball_or_what_your_doctor_really_cant_tell_just_by_lookin
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>MMkay, so I'm 21, being doing all the right things with yearly exams, getting the tests I need, etc. I just read an article about how the <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3323"><dfn title="The internal passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus.">vagina</dfn></a> does not substantially change after <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3336"><dfn title="When people interlock their genitals and move together as feels good to them for the purpose of sexual stimulation and/or reproduction.">intercourse</dfn></a>, but the first time I had a pelvic exam my doctor said "you're lucky you're getting this done here, a lot of college clinics don't have virgin equipment." What? If there's no substantial change (which I am FAR more inclined to believe) then this makes absolutely no sense. I would ask what she meant, but her practice has moved and I see a different doctor now.</p>
<p>UNRELATED question that I always wanted to ask her but was too afraid to- I was sexually abused when I was little, and raped when I was 16. That for me also confuses the whole issue of what she said- first of all, I wasn't a virgin, and secondly, (my real question) how was it possible she thought I was a virgin, as my guess would be there would also be some kind of signs of past <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3388"><dfn title="A serious or critical physical and/or emotional injury or physically and/or emotionally painful experience.">trauma</dfn></a>?</p>
<p>As a note, I'm in counseling and doing pretty well but I'm scared to ask because of the oh-man-if-my-doctor-was-right-then-maybe-I'm-overreacting/wrong problem... I'm usually pretty good at trusting myself on this issue, but this is one place I'm always afraid to go because it would be so concrete. (I also just moved for grad school and am seeing someone new and feel comfortable, but I will make a point to ask her too.)</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/advice/your_vagina_is_not_a_crystal_ball_or_what_your_doctor_really_cant_tell_just_by_lookin">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> BodiesSexual HealthAdviceannual examasking questionscommunicationdoctorgynecologisthealthcaremedicalmythsrelationshipssexual assaultsexual healthspeculumtalkingtraumavirginvirginitySat, 03 Jan 2009 01:50:52 +0000CJ2375 at http://www.scarleteen.comNavigating sex and sexuality after a long history of abuse and assaulthttp://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/navigating_sex_and_sexuality_after_a_long_history_of_abuse_and_assault
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>When I was younger, (think 8 to begin with) my uncle kissed me on the mouth and told me that was the way I was supposed to kiss boys. It catapulted me out of normal 8 year old states of mind and left me obsessing about <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a>. I masturbated A LOT and had what I thought years later what might have been an <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3354"><dfn title="An event typically in response to physical or intellectual sexual stimulation, controlled by the involuntary nervous system. Orgasm often results in muscle contractions in and around the genitals, other muscular spasms throughout the body, and a feeling of sexual and/or tension release.">orgasm</dfn></a> at 11.</p>
<p>I thought that everyone was as sex obsessed as I was, which was probably due to the enormous amounts of media attention paid to having sex, trying to have sex, making yourself sexy enough to have sex, etc. It might also be useful to add that I was way ahead in school, so my peer group were at least 2 years older than I was, meaning that the boys around me were hitting <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3486"><dfn title="The process of physical and sexual changes from childhood to adulthood, initiated by hormone signals from the brain to the gonads. Puberty usually takes several years to complete -- sometimes even more then five or six -- and changes the brain, bones, muscles, skin, breasts and reproductive organs. ">puberty</dfn></a> when I started this crazy <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3348"><dfn title="About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.">sexual</dfn></a> revolution...</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/relationships/navigating_sex_and_sexuality_after_a_long_history_of_abuse_and_assault">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> RelationshipsSexualityAbuse & AssaultAdviceabuseboyfriendcircles of sexualitycommunicationcounselingexplorationfamilyfantasyhealinglimitsmasturbationpartnerpositive sexualityraperecoverysafe wordsexsexual assaultsexualitysolosurvivortherapytraumaMon, 17 Nov 2008 03:00:41 +0000CJ2299 at http://www.scarleteen.comFirst intercourse was horrible, and I think it ruined my genitals.http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/first_intercourse_was_horrible_and_i_think_it_ruined_my_genitals
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>I did it for the fist time and it was horrible, my <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3385"><dfn title="In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term "partner" can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. "Partner" can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.">partner</dfn></a> just went fast and hard and deep until he was done and I wasn't even aroused well...my private is huge now and I do not feel <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a> with my current partner, it's been three months now, could a person be ripped or torn unnatural although it's a <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3323"><dfn title="The internal passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus.">vagina</dfn></a> and made for sex with a man? Do I just need to wait a long time before doing it again? Is there a such thing as being torn or ripped and heal back and not get back the natural elasticity of my vagina? I mean I had to dig into my skin bite my fingers and hold my breath from the pain, I don't think that is normal.....help please I'm very worried about this!</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/advice/first_intercourse_was_horrible_and_i_think_it_ruined_my_genitals">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> BodiesGenderRelationshipsSexualitySexual HealthAdviceassaultcommunicationforcegenitalsinfectioninjuryintercoursepainpartnerroughsexswellingtraumavaginaThu, 30 Aug 2007 16:48:21 +0000Heather Corinna1046 at http://www.scarleteen.comAbortion & Trauma: The Bigger Picturehttp://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2005/12/11/abortion_trauma_the_bigger_picture
<p><A href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4520576.stm">Studies, and reports on them, like this amaze me</a>. Of course, the pro-life blogs and sources are all over this already like white on rice.</p>
<p>Of COURSE a lot of women suffer long-term trauma with abortion, and of course it's longer-term than miscarrying (pity they didn't also include women's psychological states after childbirth, the first year of parenting and adoption).</p>
<p>You miscarry, everyone says, <I>&quot;Oh, I am so sorry.&quot;</i> This is said whether you wanted to be pregnant, whether you planned to bring a pregnancy to term or not. This is not usually the case with abortion: in part because a lot of women don't -- can't -- tell anyone they have even had an abortion.</p>
<p>You are told again and again that a miscarriage is not your fault. Rarely are women told an abortion is not our fault. We are told miscarriage is okay, because it is out of our control. Because we <I>chose</i> to have an abortion somehow that negates the fact that the systems we live in -- which set us up to have sex we don't want, to be ignorant of how our own bodies work, to have less autonomy with our bodies than our male counterparts do, to be without developments in contraception we have every means of funding and having provided for us, to make childbearing and childrearing -- when that is what we'd prefer -- so difficult, which often give so many women no choice BUT to make a reproductive choice after-the-fact -- are out of our control. That in the systems we live in, to even have real autonomy over our bodies and our sexuality is not a given right, but something we must vigilantly and constantly do battle for.</p>
<p>If we live in a culture which stigmatizes something, which punishes us for something, which tells us that we have the right to choose something, but it isn't as good, as noble, as defensible, as acceptable as a different choice, we are likely to feel anguish when we do that thing. This is not complex logic.</p>
<p>If we live in a culture in which we must be silent about any major event in our lives -- be it rape or abortion (made all the more major by cultural mores) or domestic abuse or winning an award or getting a promotion -- in which telling anyone about it without apologizing for it has a likely and negative cost, of course we are going to experience trauma. If we engage in something which we must keep a dirty secret, of course it will upset us, for as long as we have to keep that secret.</p>
<p>If we go to have a service performed in which we know there are people in the world who would like to bomb the room we are having it done in while we are doing it and murder us intentionally; where security measures are in place to keep our clinician from being shot to death for performing that service, of course we are going to feel distress.</p>
<p>If we are told, again and again, that what we are having done MUST upset us greatly, MUST be tragic, MUST be an unfortunate choice, of course, many of us are going to absorb that. (We see this with women who have first intercourse all of the time: they are told it is going to be painful, and so often, it is. They are told they should regret it if it was not fairytale perfect our was outside of marriage, and so, they do.)</p>
<p>The sad thing with studies like this is that, in a world which truly cared about women, the people, communities and forces which perpetuate those attitudes, those approaches, that violence, would read something like this and realize that, at a minimum, they are absolutely hurting women by adding to their pain. And they'd cool it; they'd stop hurting women. They'd acknowledge that at least some of the distress caused, some of the harm done, was of their doing.</p>
<p>If they really felt abortion was the horrendous thing they say it is, they'd act in the real interest of helping women to limit it: after all, no matter how we feel about abortion and our right to it, it's safe to say that no woman WANTS an abortion. No woman is going to try to become pregnant for the sole reason of being able to go run out and get an abortion.</p>
<p>They'd lobby for freely accessible emergency contraception. They'd lobby for more developments in and access to contraception for all women overall, rather than for male impotency drugs. They'd encourage women to start annual sexual healthcare early. They'd work to build a world where women could truly say no to sex and have it instantly, inarguably respected; for a world where women didn't feel obligated to say yes to sex to placate, mollify or calm boyfriends and husbands.</p>
<p>When other studies come up, like recent ones showing that EC isn't massively reducing the teen pregnancy rate in places where it is available, they'd ask WHY: they'd look at why that is, at why, for instance, some very young women often <I>choose</i> to become mothers because they don't feel they can accomplish much else in their lives, or be unconditionally loved any other way, at WHY, even when EC is available easily, young women aren't getting it and if just maybe that has something to do with the world telling them its abortion when it isn't. </p>
<p>They'd support comprehensive sex education for unmarried and married women alike. They'd stop trying to get lesbian women to play straight and marry men. They'd stop personally using (while publicly decrying) pornography which presents women as nothing more than sex objects, as dolls to taint and sully, use and dispose of when another novelty comes by; they'd stop presenting marriage and wifedom as the solution to this, presenting being owned by one man as the alternative to being owned by many. They'd work to get rapists off the streets; they'd nurture sons who don't grow up to be rapists. They'd wiggle a bigger shame-on-you finger at men who guilt-trip, manipulate, force or coerce women into sex with them than the one they wave at women with who abort. They'd stop supporting war, father of rape, where rape was first honed into common practice as a weapon against civilian women and children from the onset and where it still thrives, responsible for unfathomable numbers of unwanted pregnancies and traumatized women. They'd stop perpetuating attitudes which state, imply or elevate women as baby factories or sexual receptacles; which praise subservience, obedience, docility, defining female sexuality only by male sexuality.</p>
<p>But we don't live in that world.</p>
<p>In the world we live in, a study like this will be used to tell women they are harming themselves. It will be used as a weapon to try and limit their rights to their own bodies and wombs even further.</p>
<p>And in this world as it is? It is no less tragic for a woman to bear a child than it is for her to have an abortion. It just feels better because we're told that that choice -- that &quot;choice,&quot; even when we're grossly limited in how much of our pregnancy or our choice as to what to do with that pregnancy actually <I>is</i> choice for us, even when we make it out of fear, ignorance, desperation or guilt -- is the best one to be making.</p>
<p><i>(Original comments for this entry can be found <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/2005/12/abortion-trauma-bigger-picture.html">here</a>.)</i></p>
http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2005/12/11/abortion_trauma_the_bigger_picture#commentsabortionantichoicebiascultureopinionpsychologyreproductionstudiestraumawomenMon, 12 Dec 2005 00:00:00 +0000Heather Corinna535 at http://www.scarleteen.com