The Cage Match That Changed Everything

No biting, finger pokes to the eyes, or head kicks to a downed opponent...

Submitted: February 03, 2015

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Submitted: February 03, 2015

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Bernie Madoff and his partner Barack Obama stood on one side of the cage, quietly eyeing their opponents a few feet away. Likewise, O. J. Simpson and George Clooney said nothing, but had
looks of grim determination on their faces. Even ebullient ringmaster Bruce Buffer couldn’t muster much bravado during the announcement. This was no ordinary cage match. For one
thing, it was the first tag team cage match in UFC history. Also, two highly advanced, competing alien races had just conquered Earth, and were using the match as a way to decide which will
earn dominion over the planet.

The Rabsnitx are methane breathing miners who specialize in dissecting planets for the raw materials. If their team, Simpson and Clooney, are victorious, within a few weeks, the entire planet
will be dismantled and shipped through a wormhole to another part of the galaxy. The Rabsnitx are not known for showing concern for indigenous species when they conduct their business.
When the anti-gravity modules are turned on, anything not attached to the surface of the planet ends up in outer space, freeze dried, within a few seconds.

The Wal’slerth are a wealthy species, due to their success at developing exotic vacation packages all over the galaxy. They are innately optimistic herbivores and are already planning their
advertising campaign. The geyser pools at Yellowstone will be a desirable stop for the various non-feathered races from the Orion Belt. The more acidic the water, the better.
Sentient varieties of what humans would think of as algae will pay outrageous prices to leisurely engage in binary fission in the damp recesses of Carlsbad Caverns.

They learned eons ago, planets that are maintained in pristine, native condition are the most sought after as vacation spots. The supply ships that will descend on Earth if Madoff and Obama
win will bring technology humans have never imagined. Extinct species will flourish, pollution will disappear, earthquakes and destructive weather patterns will be tamed. The human race
will be educated, fed, and trained to be gracious hosts. Poverty, disease and war will no longer exist. Earth will become a welcoming paradise for all forms of life, native and alien.

Given the circumstances, you might ask why Simpson and Clooney wouldn’t simply throw the match. The galactic community has been through this before and the details have been refined for
eons. Backwards humans are no match for the mind control technology the Rabsnitx are fond of using. They scanned all 7 billion humans and identified four whose species survival
instincts could be overpowered by minor chemical tweaks to their already massive egos. Plus, by intergalactic tag team cage fighting rules, the match will not end until a member of the losing
team is dead.

So when Big John McCarthy shouted, “Let’s get it on”, the fate of the human race and its home planet hung in the balance. To start off, it was Obama against Clooney. After the two
exchanged some jabs, the Russian attempted a takedown. Obama sprawled and got an arm around Clooney’s neck. The two went down to the mat and Obama began to work around to mount
Clooney’s back. Clooney saw what was happening and used his superior strength to move both men toward Simpson’s outstretched hand, and tagged out.

Obama also took the opportunity to tag out, so now it was Madoff against Simpson. At first, Simpson took advantage of his edge in athleticism. He bobbed left and right and began
pummeling the financier with fists, elbows and knees. But one thing you can’t measure in a fight is a man’s heart. Madoff weathered the initial storm, and when Simpson showed signs of
tiring, he went on the offensive. Bernie delivered a series of leg kicks that were brutal enough to knock Simpson to the ground several times. The kicks began to stunt O.J.’s mobility.
Madoff began to pepper his opponent’s face with jab after jab. Sensing impending unconsciousness, Simpson tagged out.

Clooney came in fresh, but by now Bernie was fighting like a man possessed by the Devil. The punches and kicks continued nonstop for several minutes, and when Clooney fell to the floor in a
defensive position, Madoff took his back and sunk in a rear naked choke. Clooney’s face turned red, after a few seconds, he began tapping. But this was a fight to the death, Big John
did not stop the fight when Clooney tried to surrender.

The crowd of aliens had been making noise ever since the start of the match. Methane breathers expel gasses through a vent. When they get excited, it sounds like a kazoo.
Wal’slerth have what we would describe as high tech horseshoes attached to their hooves, they click those together the same way humans clap their hands. The Mandalay Bay Event Center was
filled with thousands of kazoo playing Rabsnitx who were accompanied by a similar number of sentient zebras playing percussion. It was Metallica loud and unlike any sound ever heard by human
ears.

But when Madoff let go of Clooney and stood up, the aliens went silent. Clearly, Clooney was not dead yet. His chest heaved as he lay on the ground. This was unprecedented.
The aliens were certain the humans had been given proper instructions on how to finish the match.

The former Ponzi schemer began to speak. He said, “Friends, aliens, earthlings. I stand before you as a man who has done many bad things in his life. Many stupid things, and more
than once. If God would give me a mulligan, a second chance, l would make different choices. I know that can’t happen. I stand before you as a man who has learned from his
mistakes. The choice I will make now, on this day, is to not end this man’s life.”

The stunned silence continued. The aliens were baffled. It turns out that, regardless of the advanced science and fantastic technology the many galactic races had developed, regardless
of how many billions of years these races had roamed the heavens, there was something they had never encountered before. One characteristic that, out of billions of life forms, had only
evolved on Earth. One thing that set humans apart from every other species in the universe. That quality is free will.

When the aliens experienced this new concept for the first time, it scared the crap out of them. The Rabsnitx emptied the arena in silence. Obama’s cell phone buzzed, it was a text from
their ambassador. Due to an unexpected drop in the price of metals, the mining of Earth was no longer economically feasible. The Rabsnitx vessels will not be returning to this backwater
sector of the galaxy.

The Wal’slerth ambassador entered the cage and spoke to Obama and Clooney. He said, “We are going to depart your strange planet. We are not sure if our customers would be comfortable
with the strange behavior you humans possess.” Then he turned to Madoff and Simpson. “I have a proposal for the two of you. Both of you have troubled pasts. But only here on
Earth. In the Wal’slerth system, you would each have a chance to start your lives over. We would like to hire you to teach us about this thing called free will.”

So that’s how we finally got rid of Bernie Madoff and O.J. Simpson. If things work out, those two will mess up the rest of the galaxy so bad, we’ll never see them or any aliens again.

Hah! Well that was entertaining. I wonder how long it would take O.J to make the aliens realize they have made a horrible mistake. I liked how you described the cage matches. I could picture them perfectly and I got a good laugh.

AuthorReply

Comment | 12 words

Tue, October 20th, 2015 3:29pm

Thanks. I can't imagine aliens anywhere wanting anything to do with us.