Bloom where you're planted.

Leave a light on in the dark, maybe you'll guide somebody in. Someone to tell you who you are. Someone to carry who you've been. ~tg

Thursday, April 29, 2004

Star, Star

I have a lot of dreams where I’m driving and out of control. Typically it’s one of those things where I’m pushing down as hard as I can on the brakes, but I still can’t stop. Sometimes I’m driving really fast, sometimes, it’s just me barely coasting but still getting ready to run into things. While I’m not someone who studies all the dream interpretation stuff, I think there are times that our dreams, especially when repeated are a good indication of something subconscious going on in our lives. I’ve thought a lot about the out of control driving dream, b/c honestly it’s one of the few that I remember having, and the fact that it’s repeated quite regularly seems hardly a coincidence.

I had the same dream night before last. It was in a different place, and the people around me were different, but it was still the same out of control feeling until the very end. And that’s what’s strange- Instead of crashing like I normally do, I was able to get my car stopped. After spinning in circles, I actually brought my car to a stop and got out. I don’t think I’ve ever remembered getting out of the car before. Usually I wake up with that sick feeling that I’ve just hit something or I just couldn’t stop and knew I was going to hit something. But for once it was different.

What’s even stranger is that I was offered a new job on Tuesday. The last few months I’ve been so incredibly restless. I wondered if I should go back to school, or if I was supposed to move away. I just didn’t know if the Midwest was right for me anymore. I just kept thinking, if it is right, then I’ve got to have a release. I’ve got to find an outlet, the life I’m living right now is doing nothing to stretch me. It’s not making me think. It’s not making me feel. It’s making me numb. I want to be around people who are passionate, and who love life, who are artistic and just different. I’d actually begun wondering if it was just me. Maybe I’d always feel different, and while I think in some ways that’s true, I think this new job is actually the first step towards doing something that is what I’m called to do. Or maybe what I’m called to do today.

So Starting May 12, I’ll be working for Broadway in Indianapolis. It’s primarily a ticketing position, but I’ll be working in a lot of the financials for the shows coming to Indy for the Broadway series, as well as spending weekends in Columbus, Cincy and Louisville when they’re having big shows and need help. In addition, we go to all the art shows and outdoor festivals and set up a tent just to advertise next year’s series. And we also are planning to go to 10-12 concerts this summer to just get the word out about what’s coming next year. Did I mention that I get to go to any show for free, and take friends with me? And the fact that they’re actually PAYING me for this job, seems insane. I get to do what I love. Talk about theatre and music, to other people who love theatre and music while spending time around other artists, actors & musicians. I’m taking a position that I think will only be the beginning of the type of job I could see myself in for the rest of my life.

One time, in the job I was in before this one, I found a puzzle piece on the sidewalk outside when I was on my way in. It’s possible that I’ve even written about this before, but it comes to mind often. It was a small brown puzzle piece. The picture was obviously worn off, so I had no idea what it came from. But I realized that piece of the puzzle was my life then. I had this job that I knew wasn’t me, but it was getting me somewhere. It was connecting me to whatever is next. Just b/c I couldn’t see the picture didn’t make it any less important than what was to come next. And here, I’ve picked up the next piece of the puzzle. And starting June 12, I’m going to see what it’s connected to. And I thank God for that.

Star star teach me how to shine shine
Teach me so I know what's going on in your mind
'Cause I don't understand these people
Who say the hill's to steep
Well they talk and talk forever
But they just never climb

Monday, April 05, 2004

Perimeter of Me

As much as I write, I’m one of those people who actually has a really hard time saying exactly what I mean. You’d think that with all my writing, I’d be really eloquent by now. Strangely enough, it’s almost the more I write, the less I communicate. Occasionally when I’m having a hard time explaining myself, I find a song that does that for me. Or maybe I should say God sends me a song. It always ends up something that says the very things that my heart has been trying to say to my mind. This time, Emily suggested the song by saying it reminded her of me. Since I believe there are so very few people who really know me, when it’s someone who does I tend to listen a lot closer. So Emily sends me this song and it’s all I’ve listened to for about 5 days straight now. It resonates more with me than a song has in a long time. It says what I’ve been trying to pray, but haven’t found the words to say.

So instead of stumbling over my words, trying to tell you what I’m thinking and what I’ve been feeling- I’ll allow lyrics to do that instead.

Perimeter of Me-Tasha Golden

Your wind is mighty - it bends the backs of trees
Moves among the fields along these Pennsylvania streets
We've come to know as highways - they can take us anywhere
But all we know is where we're going
And how fast we're getting there
Well, the world outside my window is shaming me again
With the things I haven't seen cause I've been writing about them
The sky's a waiting witness to the truth I would possess
But I've forgotten all its mystery in my quest for second best

And I want to live with wider eyes,
There's far too much to see
To think of nothing else
But where I've been and where I'll be
I've been longing for the freedom
That is waiting silently
In the life that's just beyond the small
Perimeter of me

Your rain is mighty, it weathers mountainsides
It raises the Ohio 'til it looks a mile wide
And I think that I have crossed it on this bridge a thousand times
And haven't even seen Your river from the corner of my eyes
Well, I'm frightened by how easy it can be to live so long
Going from one thing to the next thing,
To the next 'til months have gone
And you realize you have really not done anything at all -
At night you fall asleep believing
You've just climbed so you could fall…

And I want to live with wider eyes,
There's far too much to see
To think of nothing else
But where I've been and where I'll be
I've been longing for the freedom
That is waiting silently
In the life that's just beyond the small
Perimeter of me

And I don't believe that who I am
Is something I can find
It's whatever I create
With what I do with all my time
It's who I choose to love
With all my heart and strength and mind -
And whether I believe that what I have
Is really mine…

And I want to live with wider eyes,
There's far too much to see
To think of nothing else
But where I've been and where I'll be
I've been longing for the freedom
That is waiting silently
In the life that's just beyond the small
Perimeter of me