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Friday, February 17, 2012

Living on the Edge

It has been a while, but I still remember. I relive the feelings every time I roll into a show...

Standing at the gate, waiting. It feels like forever as the horse before you is finishing up their run. You think back on all the preparation, the hours you spent worrying over every little detail, and you hope today it was enough.

The hours of lessons, getting the skin flayed off you by your trainer (for me, he is also my husband - stick that in your pipe and make your own dinner), riding until your jeans have rubbed the insides of your knees raw and realizing that if you were riding correctly, that wouldn't be happening. The hours of grooming and washing and laundry, of braiding and brushing and realizing just before you head into your class that you missed a spot. Countless nights spent dreaming of being in the saddle and doing it wrong over and over and over again. Trips to the vet, injections, vaccinations and mountains of cash you may as well watch swirl straight down the commode. But you know you would do it all again, exactly the same way, so that you could be standing at the gate waiting your turn to go.

I am at the gate. I am waiting my turn to make my move and have the run of my life... Only, I am not sure what class I'm in or which horse I'm riding... I just know I'm waiting - again. That's right folks, hurry up and wait. Part of the Christian dynamic that can be trying, frustrating and curse invoking.

God has me waiting at that gate again. Not sure why, although I have been here before and He's always had an amazing adventure waiting for me in it. I am trusting Him to let me know in just enough time what the heck it is I am supposed to do to move forward, to have my run, to be all that I can be and set the world ablaze. I watch as others seem to cut in line and move past me. That's a bit frustrating. I watch as the horse I think I'm supposed to ride comes up lame. Worrisome to say the least. But again and again, I am reminded not to look too far ahead, not to make any concrete plans because God is hard at work.

Ever been there? When you feel God moving in your life, but the direction you are supposed to take is shrouded in fog? He can sure stir Himself up a pot, can't He? Makes me all kinds of crazy inside. I want to do something, even if it's wrong... But I know better. I have to wait. Waiting is the hardest part (funny, more song lyrics), and the most treacherous. It is here that God tests your obedience, your resolve, and it is here that He looks to see if you've been listening and learning. Like a kid with their pencil sharpened and the sealed test booklet before me, I just want to rip it open and get started! The not knowing if I prepared correctly, if I know enough to get through it, that is harder than even knowing I haven't got a clue how to get from point A to point B. At least then I know I have no part in the doing, that God will have to handle it. But being right there, on the edge of something huge and not being able to do anything yet... It's killing me!

So once again, I trudge off to do last what I should have done first. I open my bible and God brings me straight to David. David, that Great Man of God who graces so much of the Bible it is overwhelming. So much so, it is easy to forget that God had Samuel anoint David as the next King of Israel fourteen years before he ever put him into power. In fact, looking at the time David spent waiting isn't exactly encouraging. He was taken into Saul's palace, never to return home again, after killing Goliath. Saul wasn't the benefactor one would hope to have as he had a tendency to throw spears at David's head, plot murderous adventures for him and spent the better part of his last years pursuing David like a hunted animal.

Ever wonder if David doubted Samuel's anointing as he lived in caves with the most hardened, sketchy men the country knew? I sure do, because I wonder about it all the time. Not that I have been anointed King or anything, but waiting on something you know God is doing in your life is not comfortable. Even when God is gracious enough to let you know what exactly it is, as in David's case, the wait can have you doubting in the validity of the promise. You may even doubt that God really spoke to you. Maybe you didn't hear it correctly, maybe you missed the turn waaay back there in the road somewhere... Or maybe, most likely, you are simply supposed to wait. I am supposed to wait - again.

The last time I was waiting like this, with so much anticipation and very little direction, God handed Shane and I the Ranch. We called it Taj Mahal back then, because it was that much of a pipe dream, that beautiful and that unattainable. God showed me then that He has more power in his very breath than I could ever have in all of my might. I suppose I can trust him as I stand at the edge of a precipice, toes dangling dangerously over the rocky ledge and wait for Him to give me the wings to fly or reveal the path down. Either way, the view will be spectacular!