You have no excuse whatsoever. You have only yourself to blame. If you are aware — and you know it well enough — that going along that path, reading those things, keeping that company, can bring you to a precipice, why do you persist in thinking that perhaps it is a short cut which will help you to develop or which makes your personality more mature?

You must change your plan radically, even though it demands a greater effort and means fewer amusements at your disposal. It is high time you behaved as a responsible person.