Friday, January 7, 2011

World of Warcraft Lore, By Richard Knaak (Spoilers)

Rhonin woke up, had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, half a grapefruit, two strips of bacon and a Red Bull. Then he went out to kick some ass.

Meanwhile, the government of Stormwind and the Defias masons disagreed over payment. Led by Van Cleef and manipulated by Onyxia, the Defias kidnapped Varian.

Rhonin went to Westfall, killed Van Cleef in the Deadmines, and then stopped by Gnomeregan to set Thermaplugg on fire and save the Gnomes.

Then he went to Theramore, pushed Varian out of the way, just as Onyxia was about to deep-breath him, and pwned her face off. Krasus tanked the whelps.

To celebrate, Rhonin and Jaina Proudmoore totally hooked up.

Then Rhonin went down to Blackrock Depths, killed Emperor Dagram Thaurissan, and fathered the heir to the throne of Ironforge with the extremely grateful Moira Bronzebeard. But he wasn't done yet; the Dark Iron Dwarves were doing the bidding of Ragnaros the Firelord, so Rhonin went down to Molten Core and beat the crap out of everybody.

"TOO SOON," bellowed Ragnaros.

But Rhonin was all: "It's never too soon to party, Rhonin-style."

And then he beat Ragnaros to death with his own hammer, because Rhonin is the only Mage who ever had the mad skillz to train two-handed maces.

On the way out of Blackrock Mountain, Rhonin went to the spire and pwned Nefarian. He saved Vaelestrasz the Red, and the two did a celebratory chest-bump.

Rhonin took a vacation to Zul'Gurub and strangled Hakkar the God of Blood with his bare hands. Now the trolls there worship Rhonin.

About this time, something started to stir behind the gate of shifting sands in Silithus, so Rhonin rolled into the Temple of Ahn'Qiraj, riding on a giant bug for some reason, and started pwning everything.

And C'thun was all: "I'm gonna eat you."

But Rhonin was like: "Nuh-uh."

And then all the raptors and devilsaurs in Un'Goro came and ate C'thun's face off, because they're friends with Rhonin.

Then the dark portal opened, and Rhonin was the only one who went through. He went to Shattrath and met A'dal, a being of pure light and infinite power. Rhonin and A'dal totally hooked up. Then Rhonin came back to Azeroth and went to Karazhan where he climbed to the top and met Prince Malchezzar of the Eredar.

And Malchezzar goes: "You face not Malchezzar alone, but the legions I command."

Rhonin went back to Zangarmarsh, where the Naga were doing something in a lake. But they stopped when Lady Vashjj saw how hot Rhonin was looking in his purple Kirin Tor robe, with his flowing hair like crimson fire. So the two of them totally got it on.

Then Rhonin invented flying weapons and beat up Kael'Thas with them.

But Kael'Thas was like: "Ha! This was only a setback."

And Rhonin was all: "Why don't you setback that narrow ass over here, and get freaky on my junk?"

And then Rhonin and Kael'Thas totally hooked up. Some people have said that Kael'Thas is actually a d00d. But they don't let Rhonin hear them say that.

Anyway, around that time, Illidan showed up, and Maiev was all like: "It is my charge to stop him."

But Rhonin goes: "Chill, Baby, I taught this guy everything he knows."

"The student has become the master," said Illidan. "You are not prepared."

"Yes I am," Rhonin said. And he punched his fist straight through Illidan's chest.

"I taught you everything you know, but I didn't teach you everything I know," Rhonin said, putting on a pair of totally awesome sunglasses.

Illidan watched helplessly as Rhonin ate his still-beating heart like an apple.

Then Rhonin and Maiev hooked up.

On the way to Northrend, Rhonin shoved KilJaeden back into the Sunwell, and was named King of the Blood Elves.

When Rhonin got to Borean Tundra, Malygos was there, and he said "I am very angry because you're way better than me at magic. So I brought all my blue dragons to beat you up."

"Oh yeah?" Rhonin said. "Well, I am going to bring all my bros from the city of Dalaran, because the Kirin Tor totally has my back." And the whole city came because everybody loves Rhonin. And Rhonin made it fly, because that is how Rhonin rolls.

But he beat up Malygos all by himself anyway.

Then he had an arm wrestling contest with Kel-Thuzad, and won.

After that, Rhonin was kind of bored, so he went to Ulduar and hooked up with Auriaya and Freya at the same time. He also got the world-first Yogg+0 achievement.

And Algalon said: "I was going to destroy the entire world, but now I won't because you are so awesome, Rhonin."

And the two did a chest bump.

Then Rhonin decided it would be fun to build a coliseum. He let Tirion Fordring help him with it, but Tirion did a crappy job and the floor collapsed, so Rhonin fired Tirion. He took the Ashbringer, because Rhonin is the only mage with the mad skillz to train 2h swords, and he marched on to Icecrown Citadel.

And the Lich King was all: "Mwa ha ha. You'll never get in here. We have limited attempts."

But Rhonin was like: "It's cool, I've got six identical alts."

And then Rhonin and his six identical alts did a group thing with Blood Queen Lana'Thel. But mostly, the blood queen just watched.

After that, Rhonin climbed to the top of the spire.

And the Lich King was all: "Ha! This was my plan all along."

And he swung the mighty Frostmourne at Rhonin, but the sword smashed against Rhonin's face.

And Rhonin said: "Did that plan involve me kickin' ur azz, Bro?"

And then Rhonin punched the Lich King in the balls so hard that the Lich King's helmet popped off.

"WTF?" said the Lich King, and then he died.

"It is done," said Tirion.

"I know it's done," Rhonin said. "I'm the d00d that did it."

"But without a lich king to chain it, the scourge will rampage across Azeroth, destroying all life," Tirion said, picking up the helmet. "I am the only one who can bear this solemn burden."

"Because you did such a good job with the coliseum?" Rhonin asked. "I thought I fired your ass. Why are you even here?"

"Stop," said a loud booming voice. And Rhonin turned around to see it was Bolvar Fordragon, but he was all burned up and shit. He took the helm from Tirion. "I can take no comfort anymore, in the world of the living, for Arthas has burned my genitals off. I shall bear the burden. I shall be the jailer of the damned."

But Rhonin took the helmet from Bolvar, and crushed it in one hand. "You guys are totally emo," he said.

"There must always be a lich king," Tirion explained. "The scourge must be controlled."

"There is no more scourge," Rhonin said. "I killed them all."

Tirion's jaw dropped open. "How can that be possible?"

And Rhonin did his special /flex emote. "Don't you know by now? I'm Rhonin, bitches!"

And Bolvar was all: "Ur so awesome."

But Rhonin was just, like: "Maybe you should go to a hospital or something."

Anyway, now there's a big statue of Rhonin in the Dalaran fountain.

RHONIN: THE CATACLYSM, KNAAKIFIED

Deathwing woke up one morning and ate a banana and a bowl of Total cereal, which his doctor recommended for his colon. Then he tore the goddamn world in half.

About the same time, one Naga got the idea that it would be awesome if they had a Kraken like in "Pirates of the Caribbean." The other Nagas thought that was a good idea, so they went out and found a Kraken.

The Naga sent the Kraken to eat a bunch of Horde and Alliance ships, which wasn't as good an idea as it seemed initially, because it turns out that the Horde and Alliance dudes can breathe underwater and ride around on giant seahorses fucking shit up. Also, the Gnomes had a submarine. A lot of Naga died.

Then Neptulon the Tidehunter showed up, and he was like: "No way. I'm not cool with any of this."

"We don't care what you think," said the Naga. "We don't have to listen to you anymore, because our Kraken is part Cthulhu." And then they sent it to eat Neptulon's face off.

With Neptulon powerless, the Naga plan would have been successful, but Rhonin was in the mood for calamari. By this point you should know how that turned out.

Then Rhonin went to Uldum. There are sphinx guys there, which are basically lions the size of rhinos with man-arms that can hold guns. So, of course they needed Rhonin to save them. Rhonin teamed up with Indiana Jones and the two of them basically just beat the shit out of everything in that zone.

Then, at last, it was time to confront Deathwing.

"We don't like the way you run things, Rhonin, so we are taking over. For I am Neltharion the Earthwarder, turned Deathwing the Destroyer." Deathwing said this because it takes a really long time to write a book, and Richard A. Knaak is very busy, so it helps to pad things out if the characters spend a lot of time introducing themselves to each other.

"I've got Ragnaros the elemental lord of fire on my side, and Cho'Gall who is a huge freaky-ass ogre. And Al-Akir, who is king of the genies or some shit like that. Together, I am pretty sure we can take you on."

"Oh yeah?" said Rhonin. "Well, I've got Reginald Whipplebottom the Fourth, here." As he said this, he brandished his right fist. "And I've got Agamemnon W. Jackson, as well," he said, indicating his left fist. "And they brought their buddy, Peter T. Thickness, the Piston of Devastation." As he said this, he did a pelvic thrust, in case it wasn't clear that he was talking about his penis.

Fear flickered for a moment in the dragon's blood-red eyes. "Well, I also have my resurrected children, Onyxia and Nefarian."

"I don't care how many dead babies you brought," Rhonin said. "Your whole posse looks like Tier 1 content to me, and I already learned their moves in Beta. You're all going down."