You’re on my List, Damn it!

Lists keep us organized, productive and help us to remember things when our memory starts to fade. They also keep us organized.

In addition to the standard “grocery list”, “to-do list” and “neighbors that may be communist sympathizers list” that you’d find in any decent American household, I maintain over 200 other active lists at any given time.

Here are a few samples:

List of Formal and Informal Grudges

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a wonderful conversation with a dear old friend only to remember an hour and a half later that I hate their damned guts.

Sometimes it’s difficult to keep track of eight decades worth of historical slights, family transgressions and trivial personal vendettas. So, in order to keep my enemies straight and my grudges straighter – I make sure to write them all down.

Words I Need to Look Up List

I get a fair amount of moronic email from damned young people and most are full of words I’ve never heard of. So, in an effort to determine if these pups are being polite, disrespectful or just chowder-headed shortstacks* I like to look them all up. (Besides, I’m a wordophile or lingophile or whatever the damned term is for someone who enjoys words.)

Tonight I need to look up “pornocchio”, “doppelbangers” and the very offensive sounding “demi lovato.”

*See list of derogatory terms for young people

Signs of the Apocalypse List

I like to stay one trot ahead of the four horsemen so I keep a detailed list of signs that the world is about to come crashing to an end. Based on my current list of portents: “global economic crisis”, “wide scale artificial hip recalls” and “Piers Morgan five nights a week on CNN”, I’m confident we should be meeting our maker sometime before next Arbor Day.

List of Symptoms to Review with My Physician

At my age keeping track of all your aches, pains and suspicious moles can be a damned grind. But with this list, I simply jot down any unexplained bout of vertigo or unusual gland swelling and hand it to my family doctor for review and diagnosis at my next scheduled check-up.

(I’m anxious to see what he makes of my current list which includes: sunken eyes, enlarged spleen, swollen breasts, violent nose bleeds and rice-water stools. Based my research, I believe I may have either cholera, endometriosis or a dinopeptic germ.)

Don’s Bucket List

This has nothing to do with asinine dreams of climbing Everest, playing professional Jai Alai or trading smooches with Angela Lansbury – I’m referring to a list of actual buckets I would be interested in purchasing. At the moment, I have my eye on a rather dandy yellow Rubbermaid Mop Bucket with detachable wheels and a 3-gallon water capacity.

List of Relatives Currently out of Favor

(I’m actually scrapping this one for a list of relatives currently in favour. It should be significantly shorter and much easier to maintain.)

List of People I have Outlived

Nothing gives an old man more pleasure that outliving his closest friends and contemporaries. Sitting down with a glass of ovaltine, a red pen and the obituary page is one of the highlights of my day.

It’s also a form of validation. I may not have been as successful as Seymour Hodge or been able to beat him on the golf course – but on the back nine of life I have him by six strokes (and one massive coronary).

This is one part of my “death triology” which comprises the “list of people I have outlived,” the “list of people I intend to outlive” and the “list of teen pop stars whose careers I intend to outlive.”

List of Suspicious Licence Plates

I’m convinced that the house across the street is either an Al Qaeda terror cell, a grow op, an unlicensed day care centre or a combination of the three. In an effort to assist law enforcement I’ve placed binoculars by my front window and recorded the licence plates of over 600 vehicles that I don’t recognize and which have no damned business being on my street.

I can’t take full credit for the feral assclowns crack. When I first started the blog some years back a young lad called me an “assclown” and for some reason I still can’t quite explain, I just decided I liked the damned word. (not as much as I like that bucket, mind you. It’s a beauty.)

I am a big believer of lists. The first list I look at each morning is the list that contains the lists that I need to look at for that day. If a person is not organized, he or she will spend half of their life wondering why they don’t have time for anything.

All Right! As a registered crotchety old coot I think most of your stuff is crap; BUT the “Lists” thing is pretty good. Now I (grudgingly) have to put you on my “E-mails I better at least take a quick look at before I Nuke” list.
Cratch deGeezer

Embarrassing indeed but it happens easily enough. Grudges can be very difficult to track – especially when you keep as many as I do. That’s why it’s important to write them down and review them regularly.

Once again, Don, you’ve made my day!!!! My problem with keeping lists is that I either lose them or get them mixed up. Do you know how embarrassing it is to take your Signs of the Apocalypse List instead of your List of Symptoms to Review with My Physician to your doctor? Last time that happened, I had to do some real fast talking in order to not be committed to a rubber room.

I can see how that would be embarrassing. Rather like handing the “list of people I intend to outlive” to the police instead of the “list of suspicious licence plates.” Actually, now that I think of it, they tend to give you a funny look in either case. There’s no pleasing some people.

One solution to your problem might be to keep an alphabetical list of lists, another list of lists which is sorted by category and a third that is sorted according to dates on your calendar. It may sound administratively cumbersome but, trust me, with a little practice you’re looking at no more than 3 hours a day.

I’ve likely just had more experience. And the fact that you have a Favorite Lists List is a good indicator that you’re well beyond the novice stage. Once you get to the point where you have a separate list of “potential colors to paint the garage door” or “list of neighborhood cats that have crapped in your rose bushes” you’ll know you’ve really arrived.

oh Don, as always you make my day with your wise words.
I love lists and I bought a book titled “book of lists”.
Please keep up your writings, they really are a lot of fun to read and I look forward to reading many more!

Another good one, Don. I’m a Realtor (note the capital R and give appropriate homage) and I sometimes find myself hugging people who come in and being all chatty chatty. Only after they leave do I recall that they screwed me out of some deal. By then it’s too late, because they are driving away and laughing. With my money.

Hugging people? I knew you Realtors (homage paid) were free-spirits but that’s going a little far don’t you think?

I believe I hugged 1 person in my entire 40 plus year career and technically it really wasn’t a hug – just an awkward attempt at the heimlich maneuver during a lunch buffer at a sales conference in Denver. Then again, perhaps if I’d be less “uptight” Reggie McFarland would still be in the toggle clamp business and not pushing up daisies.

In any case, I’d highly recommend you start a grudge list and keep it close at hand. It sounds like it may just come in handy.

If I might offer a couple of suggestions – C. Everett Koop and Ernest Borgnine would both make fine additions. They’re both on my list of “seniors I look up to for wisdom.” Koop is also on my “list of people I intend to outlive” but we have a complicated relationship.

Don – I once bought a book for a fellow senior friend. The title was something like The Wonders of Aging – the Golden Years. When you opened the book, it was all blank pages! Your blog posts make me laugh out loud and as the young people say today, “You Rock!” I have put you on my favorite blogroll list.

I too am stumped by Twitter. I’ve tried taking a look but the sentences are all backwards and full of strange symbols I can’t understand – reading it reminds me of stock exchange ticker tapes. Besides, I think people should be making an effort to speak in greater detail not less.

Good luck with your lists. In my experience they are extremely helpful when it comes to dealing with procrastination.

If I kept a list of those I’ve outlived, I’d need one of those dratted computer print out sheets with the green and white lines. They’ve been dropping like the flies they are since I was in high school and at age 62 I look back to see the fly swatter of life has taken down vast numbers of them. It must be because I prefer vinegar to honey and can move faster, I suppose.

Considering how one could list those who fall by the wayside and clack our mandibles about our good fortune, I suppose the fact that about 2/3 of my law school entrance class never made it to graduation would be suitable for a list. Then again, they don’t have my student loans to pay back. What was I thinking going to law school at my age? Or is that another cranky list?

Definitely another list. I have a lengthy “what was I thinking” list which includes things like: my 1969 business trip to Dayton, allowing myself to be talked in to trying on a Leisure Suit, backing Hiram Fong in the 1968 Republican National Convention and much, much more.

You make a good point about the length of the list for those you’ve outlived. I’m hoping that when all is said and done mine will cascade down to the floor and flow out into the hallway. I picture it like Santa’s list – only slightly grimmer and filled with the names of dead old people instead of hopeful young children

Well young one I see you are hitting on all eight again – good to see. If I didn’t have my lists II would be in right fine pickle. First list of every day has one thing on it – my name and address. After that it just goes down hill – I must confess though to being just a tad concerned over you preferring a 3gallon bucket (with removable wheels) over a smooching session with that pin-up Angela Landsbury.

There’s no doubt that Miss Landsbury is a fetching creature but I don’t really believe in these “bucket lists” – especially when they’re just filled with unobtainable nonsense.

My 30-something neighbor shared his with me and I believe it included things like “fly the Tardis”, “throw the winning touchdown in back to back Superbowls” and “grow wings.” I have nothing against big dreams, but he may want to reconsider and try something more practical like “learn to park my car without knocking over my neighbors garbage cans” first.

I suppose I should play my symptoms a little closer to my chest (especially when they relate to my chest) but one does to tend to worry. Especially now that you can type any symptom into an internet search engine and come back with three million results varying from angina to zygomycosis. It was easier and less troubling when I had no idea if I had a head cold or black plague.

I appreciate the “props” though I’m not sure what I’ve really done to deserve them. There is quite a contingent of Jai Alai enthusiasts over at the seniors center. I don’t participate but I’m told the wagering can get quite fierce.

G’day, Don.
Once again, you render my sides to ache with your latest post. I try not to laugh so much, ’cause it’ll form wrinkles on the corners of my mouth and eyes much sooner than they should, but I can’t seem to help myself from doing just that when I read these blog posts. I probably need a List of Ways on How not to Laugh, or a List of Wrinkle-reduction Methods. Either way, I’ll keep reading these posts (while making those lists).
More than 200 different lists is a bit excessive, I’d say, but it keeps you busy, so I shan’t complain. Although, I wager the list that would take a great deal of your list-maintaining time would be the List of Irate Young People, but let’s not go there.

200 may seem a bit excessive but once they are all up and running it’s really just a question of routine maintenance…scratch a dead friend off here, add a bucket there, write down a licence plate over here and still plenty of time for my afternoon tea and digestive biscuits. In fact, I like to think they actually save me time and free up limited space in the old noggin as well.

Very nice to hear from you again, aeonmagus. Many thanks for visiting.

I’ve come to the conclusion with my list is though it changes daily, a person could be permentally on it or be on and off. I LOVE the family list part, kinda reminds me of my family right now, thankfully not my inlaws who I love and adore. Mmm…. swollen breast… leaves me wondering. I hope you had a good day and I love reading your blog!

Glad to hear about your in-laws. I always managed to get along well with mine as well. Of course, it likely helped that they lived in a different country, didn’t like to travel and had the decency to make a quick exit from my “list of people I intend to outlive.”

The beauty of lists is the fact that they are subject to change and can be amended, edited or rewritten as many times as possible. In addition, they provide a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment – afterall, no one has ever started a “to-do” list without including two or three items that they can cross off before they even start.

Try not to wonder too much about my physical state. At my age lists aren’t the only thing that change on daily basis – most parts of the body seem to as well.

This is absolouetly the best one that I have ever seen from you Don… Love it.. And now I am thinking maybe I need to get a head start on some of those lists especially the relatives one!.. Not old enough yet to start with the Damned Young People List…although I can start the “list of teen pop stars whose careers I intend to outlive” and the Apocalypse Sign List!

That’s very kind of you to say. It’s never too early to get a start on a good set of comprehensive lists, Varda, especially the Apocalypse one – after all, if the portents are starting to stack up in a convincing manner, you may not need to worry about keeping too many others.

I do make lists a plenty, especially as my somewhat financially feckless offspring has moved back. I tried insults, barbed wire, claymores, ex-girlfriends, but alas to no avail.
Since then I’ve been making a new list.

How much he owes in rent
How many light bulbs he’s burned out by leaving them on all night
How much of my precious alcoholic beverages he’s consuming (it’s the single malts I really object to)
How much bloody food he’s consuming. (Do all chowder-headed shortstacks come with worms?)
How much petrol (gas) I have to put in his car (it’s actually my car, but guess who drives it?)
How many times a month do i have to remind him to CHECK THE BLOODY OIL AND WATER you pencil necked moron)

Fine lists, each and every one. I’m not sure what you can do about the car, the food or the light bulbs but if I were you I’d make securing the single malts my top priority. I’m told that when offspring move back home, having a safe and steady supply of alcohol at hand is critical.

I must say though I’m somewhat surprised that you haven’t included a list of “gallons (liters) of hot water used in daily shower” or perhaps “hours spent draining all hot water whilst in shower.” It’s been a while since I’ve had a young person lurking around the house but I seem to recall that the water consumption as almost as bad as the food consumption.

Best of luck and thanks for visiting. And pass on my best to that lad of yours.

Don,
you must be psychic or worse.
My lad does indeed use multiple gallons of hot water every morning and evening. Water isn’t metered here in NZ,so it slipped my mind. Gas is unfortunately, and I’ve noticed my energy bills have doubled with his return.

I would say however, that I would much rather pay (and I hope you realise how painful it isfor a Scot to even mention the word PAY) for the extra hot water rather than suffer the stench of decomposing adolescent skin cells, rotting smegma, acne, eczema and atheletes foot.

TSB I saw a T Shirt that you’d have loved yestereday at the 60th Highland Gathering in Daylesford Vic Australia. It had the words “I’m Crabbit” on it and I can just imagine you wearing it as an offspring like yours would make ye crabbit. But as you say you love him so that’s all that matters.

I like your list of curse words there at the bottom. Much better than mine when I’m angry or venting. The best replacements I come out with are some stuttering and how someone is a poopy head.

I did have a thought in the beginning while reading and laughing as always. I wonder, if it isn’t a good thing to let go of grudges as long as whatever the infraction was is not repeated. It’s like that thing where you are getting along with someone and then you remember suddenly you had a tiff with them once upon a time and then… maybe, we get to let that go OR discuss it. Depends on how hard it hits at the time.

I have lists myself actually, I guess this is good preparation for the future! You Sir, have a very good day.

I still maintain that Ms. Landsbury is a remarkably handsome woman. And far superior in character, looks and talent to any young film star you’d care to name today.

As for grudges, I’m more than prepared to bury the hatchet if someone is prepared to atone for their crimes and give me a damned apology. If they just assume that “time heals all wounds” however, they’ll find themselves in for a rude surprise.

Oh my comment did show up after all! Good. I know, I was teasing you, she is an attractive woman. You know though, I would disagree. There are some classically beautiful women in the world today in movies. Some times too … over done. My favorite is Jennifer Aniston.

Amen to an apology. I hear you, and you know, I’m always sorry when I have an argument of some kind. Even if I mean what I say at the time, although I’d prefer not to have had the argument to begin with. I guess it goes to people not taking responsibility for how they make us feel, which is unacceptable to me.

I will do my best to keep up on my lists. You are a busy man here in blogland. And good for you! I always enjoy what you have to say.

I, too, am a fan of the list. Since I am currently employed at an institution of “higher education,” also known as a public liberal arts college, I am particularly grateful for your list of alternate monikers for Damned Young People. I’m wondering if, in your spare time, you would be able to compile a list of names for public liberal arts college professors. I would find a use for this list, as “pinhead” is becoming trite. Thank you sir.

I’ve known more than a few liberal arts college professors in my day and can fully understand how easy it would be to overuse the term “pinhead.” I’ll get back to you with some thoughts just as quickly as I’m able.

I kept thinking about the grudge portion of your post here and I keep thinking that unless they do it again, whatever it was that created the grudge … is it worth remembering to begin with? Random thought of mine … I have lots of ’em!

I’m a huge believer in lists – but I don’t have a list yet for those on-going grudges. I guess that’s why I always forget when I’m mad at someone. By golly I think it’s about damned time I made a grudge list!!

In the case of my formal grudges there is usually a defining action that is well-known to both parties and which is mutually understood to be the cause of the rift.

For example, in 1971 a cousin on my wife’s side named Eddie broke a favorite fishing rod of mine due to a combination of gross incompetence and alcohol induced clumsiness. Not only did he fail to apologize and replace the rod, he had the gall to insinuate that I had supplied him with an inferior rod for the sole purpose of showing him up at the evening’s fish fry and humiliating him in front of his extremely dull children. Ugly words were exchanged (including a reference to his extremely dull children ) and we have not spoken since. In that sense, it’s formal – there is known and agreed to “event” that both parties acknowledge is at the root of our running feud.

The informal grudges are less defined and not always known to the other party. For example, a neighbor recently borrowed a shovel and then returned it two days later than we had originally agreed upon. While he appears to think nothing of the late return – I have formed an informal grudge that I will hold until such time as he comes to his senses and apologizes for his actions. I will not tell him what the grudge is because part of the grudge is predicated on that fact that he did not recognize his own poor behavior. So, in this case, while he will feel the impact of the grudge (my cold behavior and a lack of ongoing shovel loaning) he will not really understand the genesis of the grudge or how to make it right.

Your poorly-behaving neighbor won’t know what hit him when he tries to borrow your new, dandy, 3-gallon, yellow Rubbermaid Mop Bucket with detachable wheels and runs right into the cold wall of icy censure that marks the informal grudge.

My doctor wants me to keep a detailed list of what I eat. This was consuming a lot of time that could have been better utilized keeping an eye on the delinquents next door. Then I realized that I don’t have to actually write it down. I already have a detailed record on my shirts, so now whenever I have a doctor appointment I just take him a bag of laundry.

That’s a damned fine idea and one I just may have to use myself. I rather like the idea of walking the good doctor through the subtle differences between how green peas, green beans and brussel sprouts stain an old white oxford.

Regarding “What exactly do they think”.
They use it as a verb with an entirely new meaning. The most popular answer is that “chief” is the action of smoking marijuana.
from urbandictionary”Yo let’s go chief after school today.” 1762 people agreed

Not cynical at all. Naturally, I have a list of lists (a master list if you will). It serves as a very handy reference tool and helps me to avoid duplication.

I was more than a little embarrassed when I discovered that I had 3 separate “people to cut out of my will” lists – and even more embarrassed when I discovered that many of the people identified were also on my “people to include in my will” list. The master list helps clean up and avoid that sort of unfortunate administrative error.

I’m 35 and happy to be safely out of the panty-waisted dimwit category. I love your blog, Don, and this post was especially good. Too bad most of the targets wouldn’t be able to read half the words in it. I suspect the only long words they know are the ones across the backs of their pants.

You’re quite right about their reading habits. And as for the words on the back of their pants – I still maintain the only words that should be printed across any young person’s backside are “kick me”.

You never fail to delight!
Loved assclowns from the first, however, rotation would be the way I would choose to go also. I don’t like cliches and some feckless, chowder-headed shortstack might catch on.
I was also charmed by literal buckets being on your bucket list! It’s only been a couple of years and I’m already sick to death of “bucket lists”, kick it already and make room for folks with some sense!
The people who comment often add to the hilarity of your blog, thanks for writing!

The folks who comment certainly do bring considerable life to the blog. I likely would have packed this in ages ago if it weren’t for the interesting perspectives, unusual characters and asinine young people that stop by to have their say.

All the talk of bucket lists has worn thin for me as well. They should call them bucket pots and tell people to &#*@ or get off of them (please excuse my swearing). People need to stop spending all of their time talking about doing grandiose things and reconsider their priorities.

Honestly, if people just put “get a decent job, be a decent person and live a decent life” on their moronic lists and then actually worked toward it, they’d likely end up happier, healthier and more fulfilled.

Sir, I have a bucket list too. But mine contains the names of people I’d like to torture until they fit inside my bucket. Unsurprisingly, the list itself is too big to fit inside said bucket.

I would love to donate to your list of derogatory terms for young people. I just can’t stop making them up and a couple may even be worthy of being included in your rotation. Here’s just the (curse free) ones I came up with today:

An impressive list, lad. So Impressive in fact that I’m not sure which I’d like to adopt first – “electronically tethered troublemakers,” “couch-surfing wipeouts” or “iLiterate iDiots.” I suspect it will be the last one but that all 12 will eventually find their way onto my list.

Many thanks for the contributions.

Best regards,

Don

p.s. You really can’t top Littlest Hobos. It’s just in a class of its own.

Don I love the list of relatives curently in favour. My out of favour list would be far longer. Mine seem to be all dollar driven so much so that my brother in law couldn’t shut his damned take away food joint to attend his brother in law of forty years funeral. He’s now about to be transferred to my ‘HIT’ list.

I searched for funniest blogs and found a list that included yours. Of the ones on the list I checked out, yours was the only one at which I laughed out loud. This blog is hilarious and I am glad to have found it.
I loved the list of derogatory names for these young people today. Also the image of some young punk sitting around in his underware at 3:00 PM (Having just gotten up an hour ago) trying to beat his highest score in Donkey Kong really hit home (so to speak, I am beseiged with forever young people, the good news and the bad news, I guess).
And can you tell me this: what is with piercings covering seen and (presumably) unseen body parts? Seriously, can we say ‘OUCH’? N
ot to mention freaky looking? What is up with all that?
Thanks again for making me laugh and good luck with the list of neighborhood cats who crap in your rose garden.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

This was an awesome blog post! My favorite term was ‘peckerhead’. It reminds me of my father-in-law, whom you have outlived. He passed away just last month just after turning 87. Not that he was a peckerhead, he used that term a few times to describe the young men who were helping him into the car when being released from the hospital.