Raising kids without own parents' support

Feb. 23, 2011

Author Allison Gilbert with her husband, Mark Weintraub, and children, Lexi Weintraub and Jake Weintraub, at their home in Irvington. In her new book, "Parentless Parents," Gilbert recounts her story of losing both parents by the time she was 31, as well as the challenges facing parents who are raising children without the support and guidance of their own mothers and fathers. Allison Gilbert founded the first Parentless Parent support group in Westchester, which spawned 12 others nationwide. / Carucha L. Meuse/The Journal News Carucha L. Meuse

By her own account, Irvington's Allison Gilbert has plenty of shoulders to lean on when it comes to raising her children, Jake, 10, and Lexi, 8. She has a loving husband, a caring brother, terrific in-laws and a host of friends and baby sitters who can be relied upon to lend a helping hand.

Yet two important people are missing from this group: Gilbert's parents, Sidney and Lynn, who both passed away by the time she was 31. And that loss leaves Gilbert feeling isolated when it comes to navigating the challenges of motherhood, despite having that very involved network of supporters.

"I have never parented alone," she says, "except I feel very alone."

Gilbert is a parentless parent, one of a growing number of mothers and fathers who are bringing up children without the physical and emotional support of their own parents. And in a groundbreaking new book, "Parentless Parents" (Hyperion, $23.99), Gilbert explores this issue by sharing her own journey, dozens of in-person interviews, expert advice, research from focus groups and the results of a first-ever survey of more than 1,300 parentless parents from across America and a dozen countries.

A journalist and award-winning television news producer, Gilbert hopes that her work will bring comfort to others with a similar void. She also hopes that the book counters the perception that adults should be able to move easily beyond their pain — or that having deceased parents somehow equates with having an uninvolved parent or one who lives far away.

"I would love for eyes to be opened," she says. "Time and time again, people say, 'Well, my mom lives in California' ... or, 'They don't baby-sit very often.' It's like, 'What's the big deal?'"

The difference is that parents who have died aren't around to cheer — even if it's over the phone — when your daughter takes her first steps. They'll never attend one of your son's soccer games, pick him up after school or explain family traditions. And you'll never be able to call them for suggestions about how to handle teething problems or the best way to choose a college.

Gilbert says that being unable to ask those important questions is one of the most difficult parts of being a parentless parent. She offers a personal example in the book: When her daughter turned 3, she began to stutter.

The problem was heartbreaking for Gilbert and her husband, Mark Weintraub, but it was particularly distressing for Gilbert. She also had stuttered as a child, but she had no recollection of how her parents had handled the situation.

She and her husband debated whether to wait and see whether Lexi's stuttering would go away with time, or whether they should send her to a specialist right away. They decided on speech therapy, and Lexi stopped stuttering almost immediately.

"When that was happening with Lexi, I really wanted to talk to my mom and dad," says Gilbert. "What did they do with me? Who did they take me to? ... The information that would have helped me navigate this was gone."

Intense jealousy often comes with being a parentless parent as well. In Gilbert's survey, almost 70 percent of respondents reported feeling jealous when they see other children with their grandparents.

In addition, nearly half said they get jealous when their in-laws are with their children, which can lead to complicated relationships.

When only one spouse is parentless, marriage can get tricky, too, leading to potential conflicts — even in the best of partnerships. One woman whom Gilbert interviewed says that she felt "suffocated" by her husband and his family, who dominated decision-making on everything from values to vacations; the two ended up divorcing.

Gilbert explains that it's a "balance of power" issue. Her husband can always get his parents' perspective and use that to support an argument when it comes to issues about the kids.

"In a marriage, that is a lopsided way of doing business," she says.

The parentless parent movement grew out of Gilbert's 2007 book, "Always Too Soon," a collection of interviews with people who have lost both parents, including celebrities like actress Mariel Hemingway, actor and rapper Ice-T and country superstar Rosanne Cash.

But it was the conversations about parenting struggles — especially the challenge of helping children learn about grandparents whom they may have never met — that captured most readers' attention.

So Gilbert founded the first Parentless Parent support group in Westchester, and since then, 12 other chapters have popped up nationwide.

"After many years, it's still very painful," says Dobbs Ferry's Hilari Graff, a mother of two young children, whose own parents died when she was in her 20s.

Graff, who now heads the Westchester chapter of Parentless Parents, points out the power of connecting with others like her: "I have a great husband and wonderful friends who'd always be kind and listen, but it's great to meet people in a similar situation because they could understand things in a way that others couldn't."

Gilbert has a Facebook page for Parentless Parents, too, so they can reach out to each other online. She's also launched a "Keeping Their Memory Alive" blog (found at her website, www.parentlessparents.com), an extension of her book's tips on ways to ensure that your children connect with grandparents who've passed away.

Most often, Gilbert's survey found, parentless parents show their children pictures or tell stories. Gilbert adds that there are plenty of other ways that are creative and fun, not sad or depressing.

For her children, she arranged the "Grandma and Grandpa Tour" of New York City, where her parents' former business associates showed Jake and Lexi around the headhunting company that her mother had co-founded and one of the offices that her architect father had designed.

"Stories that come from somebody else besides Mom and Dad are really valuable," she says. "It makes any human being more real."

For Gilbert, writing this book and meeting other parentless parents has validated her emotions. And that, she says, has helped her move to a happier stage of life.

"I feel I'm much more capable now of counting my blessings, as opposed to keeping a list of what I've lost," she says. "That's a perspective that makes me a happier mom, a lighter mom and a more engaged mom."