Monday, October 31, 2011

I just have to start out by saying how shocking of a morning this has been! It was made known to me by a gossip website newspaper that Kim Kardashian is getting a divorce! I know! I could not believe it either! At first I was not quite sure on how to deal with these emotions. I knew the first thing I had to do was to log on to TMZ.com was get on my blog and write all about these mixed emotions I am having.

Let’s start off by talking about the wedding. Now for any of you reality TV show junkies out there, you know what I am talking about. They had a whole special about it on the E network called “Kim’s Fairy Tale Wedding” And what a fairytale it was! I don’t know what made this wedding more spectacular! It was supposed to be one of the most talked about weddings of all time. So grand that her mom made sure to have her plastic surgery scheduled and over with just in time for the wedding.

Maybe it was Kim's 20 carat diamond ring that really made all of the fairy tale details really come together.

Or could it have been the real diamonds she had dangling off of her forehead? I dunno it is kind of a tossup.

Okay I gave it some thought and I think I know now. I think the thing that really tied everything together was the fact that even the bride’s maids were all dressed in white .

Plus, what better dress for the mother of the bride to wear than something form fitting and white that has a huge bow on the front? Nothing says " I am recovering from a face lift because I wanted to look my best for my daughter’s wedding and I hope no one notices so I will just go ahead and wear this as a distraction” more than a 2 foot bow on your rack! No you are not the only one who hated loved this dress. I hated loved it too!

It was about as great as the hat Princess Beatrice wore to Prince Williams wedding. It really added that special extra touch that we were all looking for. Nothing screams out classy more than a hat that looks like a toilet bowl pretty bow.

Well all I can say is that it is a good thing that Mrs. Kardashian had a prenuptial agreement in place. Because if not Mr. Humphrey could have taken her for all she had!

That would have been absolutely devastating! She could have possibly ended up as a vagabond! Or worse case scenario. Having to clean her own bathroom or heaven forbid buy her own groceries!

*Sigh*so here I sit trying to think about what Reality TV star I can stalk next.

I will go ahead and continue to dip my hand in my red bag of Lindt Chocolate Truffles as I figure out a way to try and pull myself back together.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

If you think about it, Halloween is actually a weird holiday. I was reading online about how it came about. In a nutshell, it is a holiday that we use to celebrate the dead. It marks the new season of cold, darkness and death. How does dressing up as a lady bug or a fairy princess celebrate anything that has to do with death though? It boggles my mind.

I would also like to know whose idea it was to start carving faces into squash.

I find it interesting that we take holidays and completely transform them into something just as an excuse to act either dumb or greedy. When we are approaching a holiday, any rational behavior or common sense we might have had goes right out the window.

Most cities have more than one gas station in every zip code followed by a few grocery stores. You know what that means? It means that we have easy access to candy all year round! Why go and buy the candy though when you can walk around in the cold for a few hours? Why, when you can get a bag full of mostly mystery candy that might or might not have been poisoned? Inspecting each individual piece to make sure no one has either poisoned it or has shoved razor blades in any of the Baby Ruth’s or Almond Joy's is a lot more entertaining.

Come Halloween time there is always a game plan made among those who you are going trick or treating with. You map out what neighborhoods you would like to hit up first. Normally starting with the neighborhoods where all the rich people live in, because supposedly we all think the rich people will have better candy. Don’t feel dumb, I do it also.

After trick or treating you always end up with a big bag full of candy. It seems like a lot because there is all the crap candy taking up ¾ of your pile. Go ahead and just consider them as fillers.

You pick out the good stuff first (the chocolate)

You are left with a pillow case or plastic pumpkin full of ghetto candy. The ghetto candy is what sits on top of your fridge for the next few months. Even though you know that all the candy left is nasty, you still find yourself going through it every couple days in hopes to find something new. You never do and so you settle for the stale packet of Sweet Tarts. Then there is the mystery candy at the bottom of the bag that has fallen out of the wrapper. You don't throw it away though, because that would be too much effort. You just keep it in your stash.

If you really want to make people mad while passing out candy, give out miniature boxes of raisins. Nothing says “screw you” more than a box of dried up grapes. Have any of you been lucky enough to find these in your stash of candy or is it just me?

Once you start eating your candy, you will continue until you feel sick. You know why you don’t stop just after three pieces? Because you earned your candy! You have no choice but to eat the good stuff ASAP!. If you don’t hurry and eat the goods, you know one of your other family members will sneak in your stash and eat it for you. We have all found ourselves asking “Who ate my Reese's Pieces peanut butter cups!?!”

Once we have sorted out all of the candy, you will then find yourself trying to either trade or negotiate other pieces of candy amongst your friends and family. Kind of like “I will give you my packet of skittles and these five yellow star bursts if I can have one of your Butterfingers” type deal.

I am still amazed at people who will leave a bucket of candy outside their door with a note that says “Please only take one.” That bucket of candy is normally empty with the first 4 kids who discover it.

It is selfish and greedy I know. But candy does that to people. I don’t know why we act like this. Could it be the crack that I swear they put in the snack size Snicker bars? Probably so!

Is it the sugar rush from the candy corn that causes us to lie and tell people “ My little brother is at home sick and so I am trick or treating for him” as you hold up an plastic pumpkin in hopes to score more candy for yourself? And don’t pretend you don’t know what I am talking about.

I also find it odd that women can get away with dressing like a cheap hooker just because it is Halloween.

I am still amazed every year at how a once innocent costume from when I was a kid, has been turned into something trashy. If you go into your Halloween store to look at the women’s costume selection, be prepared to be disappointed. Really all they are is lingerie with a theme.

For example, Strawberry Shortcake is no longer some innocent character. She now looks like a street walker who passes out her berries for free.

Don’t even get me started on what they did to Rainbow Brite. It just makes me sad. Something tells me that Starlite is not the only thing she has been riding.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

It is that exciting time of year again for the Bachelorette reality show. I know! I am excited too! There is nothing more entertaining than watching someone who completely chucks any morals they might have had out the window in hopes to win the heart of someone they know nothing about.

I always look forward to seeing who is going to be the crazy person in the house. Last year it was contestant “Michelle” on the Bachelor who was the emotionally unstable one. I must admit though, as crazy as she was, I actually kind of liked her. She said exactly what was on her mind and I loved that!

It sounds mean, but I am actually kind of glad it did not work out with Brad and Emily. I kind of felt she was too good for him. In other words, I felt Brad was kind of a douche.

On Monday when I turned the Bachelorette on, I was crossing my fingers that I would be in for a treat. I knew my wish had come true when I saw not one but THREE douche bags this season!

1. 1. Drunk guy who passes out

2. 2. Mystery man in the mask

3. 3. Bentley from Utah

It showed in previews that Bentley sticks around even though Ashley was warned. My favorite thing he said so far is “I am not even that attracted to her.” What a dumb woman she is for letting him stick around. I don’t feel bad one bit because this means I get a whole season of heart wrenching drama filled with “WHY ME” tears. So even though I wish a horrifying STD on Bentley, I was thinking maybe something along the lines of Gona-herpa-syphil-aids (four nasty STD’s rolled into one) I secretly hopes he makes it to the end because my life is hard right now and I could use some fantastic drama. I don’t care if it is at another person’s expense. Just give it to me!

I am also curious to know if they do STD screenings before they let everyone have at it because let’s be honest, I am sure there is some freaky things going on and I am not just talking about the nights they have a romantic getaway in their oh so lovely “fantasy suite”.

Oh and before I go I have one more treat for you. I found a picture of Bentley online. All I had to do was go to Google and type in “Erectile dysfunction” and his picture came up! Crazy huh? Who would have known?

Monday, May 23, 2011

Okay so 1st we will start out with Tori Spelling. Can someone please tell me what went wrong? Did she piss off the plastic surgeon? Is this what happens when your plastic surgeon hates you? She should be highly embarrassed to have boobs that look like that!

# 2 there is so many things I would like to say but I just don’t know where to start. I wonder if she felt that adding the two dollars a yard red lace would help her feel prettier. I am sure they love each other very much and I would not be surprised if their wedding registry was done at Wal-Mart.

# 3 Is this a toy condom for a dog?

# 4 It says ”create a gigantic friend! Stuff hug and play!” Stuff it with what I wonder? I know a few people who would love this thing!

# 5 Can this lady honestly not feel her gut hanging out of her own dress?

# 6 can someone please tell me how they wipe their butt?

# 7 Well, they need to start learning young that things don’t come cheap. You need to work for it!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Today might be a very touchy subject for a lot of people. So if you are easily offended, it might be best for you to just not read today’s post.

Today I would like to talk about people who do not believe in birth control. Yep I am going there. You see, I live in a state where people pop out kids left and right. Not only that, they continue to pop them out one right after another because they feel they are supposed to "multiply" and replenish the earth and I guess in their mind that means have as many as you possibly can even if it is killing you. Is it that I am jealous because I cannot have kids of my own? Um… maybe, but that is not the point right now! Even if I could just pop them out left and right, I wouldn’t. Honestly, even if I only had one or two children, that would be fine. Because you see, I do not have this strong urge to be a gumball machine!

Now do not get me wrong, I know a lot of people who have a ton of kids. The majority of them are great people. In fact, I know one family in particular just around the corner of me that I am very fond of, and they have 12. This blog does not apply to them, because I love their family. In fact I am jealous that my family is not as great as theirs. Anyway…I am talking about those who pop out kids left and right. The ones who are not awesome but crazy as all get out!

I feel that birth control is just fine. In fact, I think a lot more people should be on it. Come to think of it, I wish my ex mother in law was on it years ago because then I would have never met my ex and the thought of that is actually kinda fantastic! Because honestly, anyone who has met him knows the best part of him ran down his mom’s leg.

For someone to say, “Well, if God did not want me to have more kids, than I would not keep getting pregnant” I get that God is great, but he also expects us to use our own judgment! That would be like me walking out in the middle of the street while saying, “If God did not want me to get hit, I wouldn’t.” Do you see how ignorant that would be for me to say that? In fact if I were to do that, I would expect a car to come hit me right in my @ss and knock me on my face!

I have known ladies who keeping popping them out. I even knew a family who had 17. I feel bad for their children. Because they are the ones who suffer all because the parents wanted to “multiply and replenish the earth.” Which by the way is doing so even if you only have one or two.

If you have to live on top ramen and cans of tuna fish, then you should probably get on birth control. If your kids no longer fit in a normal sized van, then you might want to get on birth control. If you have to pack 5 kids into each room, than you might want to consider birth control. If the last 4 pregnancies almost killed you and your snatch is saying “Oh please gosh not another one!” you might want to buy birth control. If you look like a hot mess and people think you are 15 years older than you really are, you might want to get on birth control.

The majority of the time, it is those who eat crazy sauce that keep popping out kids left and right. Just because you can keep having kids, doesn’t mean you should.

About a year and a half ago I was walking at the park and I saw a lady I recognized who has a very large family. She has 15 kids now. She was pregnant at the time and so I asked her if she was having a boy or a girl. Her response was’ Hmm I dunno, just a baby.” What is it? You get to number 10 and think “Screw it! This is just another pregnancy and so who really cares because next year I will be in the same spot I am now”?

I get that birth control is not fun. Trust me I get it! In fact I think the worst one I have ever tried was the patch. That thing was awful! For those of you who say “I think the patch works wonderful”, you are LIARS! Plus, never have a met a person who says” man, I had sex last night and that condom is what did it for me because it was sensational!” I get that most birth control sucks. That is why they have the option of either getting your tubes tied or a vasectomy.

My point is, I wish people would stop being crazy and stop having so many kids!