When I say i'm ashamed, i don't mean to the point of changing my behaviour in anyway whatsoever.

I had my two lads (5 and 3) digging shellscrapes in the garden last Saturday. They thought they'd finished but when I got them to lay down I could still see the little ones bobble hat poking up above the grass. A few laps round the house with their fire engines above their heads got 'em sparking again.

When they were finished they were absolutely ballbagged and wanted to go straight to bed. I almost didn't have the heart to tell them that there was a full patrol programme and they were the only two names I had for gun stag.

I nominated myself as DS and sat in the kitchen eating sausage butties all night, as is traditional.

My wife thinks i've gone too far, but a few hours panbash will teach her to wind her neck in.

Have you thought about possible extras? Extra stags maybe? Maybe too young for extra Duty Driver? What about jail? You could convert the broom cupboard into a cell. And have you introduced them to an initiation ceremony? And be fair to them, take them down town to a local bop, fill them with beer and get em copped off with as many heffers as possible.

My kids were taken off me. I tried to install what Convoy is achieving, but the courts said I went too far. I mean, the youngest was promoted to LCpl at 5 so I couldn't see the harm (apart from the reggie baths). The eldest ran away from home because of that, and he was 7.

Got a mate who, when his kids were 5 or 6 ish. When we were having a party or just popped round for a drink. Kids would wake up and come downstairs with the " I want a galss of water", " I can't sleep" excuse.

Every time he would put them on a Ambush at the top of the stairs with a water pistol. Orders were to ambush everybody going to the toilet, silent drill , so no talking and no lights.

20 mins later pick them up and tuck them in.

Every time. Just like telling them to look down the hose pipe your standing on!!

He showed up at Crapital radio with an Uzi, telling them they where broadcasting on an illegal frequency and to stop, NOW. Carted away by the men in white coats for a while, he got better ( what was wrong with him in the first place?? ) and was given a piece of paper to say he was not a looney.

Changing the under stairs into a cell would be both easy and harsh for the following reasons.

The floor space is very very small so bumpering it would be a doddle. The hard part however which appeals to me is this, why not tile the slopey bit under the stairs, then demand that also be bumpered to an immaculate finish, made even more difficult should the bumper handle be cut to a four inch stump

I am not ashamed to admit that as soon as my little one is walking she will double everywhere she goes and will undoubtledly address em in a suitable manner.

With my role as father also including the task of inscruction Depot style I think 'Staff' would be a suitable title. She can revert to calling me Daddy after 16:30 hrs

My wife gave me grief for buying a set of baby dpm when little Miss Fish-Head still hadn't mustered outside the womb. Mrs Fish-head was curious as to what I would do if it was a girl, but in the new armed forces I assured her it wouldn't be a problem.

Top drills CC!! Bit soft of you that it was only a slip trench. Why not a Warminster 8 man fire trench?

Gunny, I hope you nailed the sprog for going AWOL. Soldier on kid.

Mdn, I suppose you have to be in charge sometime in your life...Oh, you were, wernt you...around 1988-89??

My sprog got R to I instruction at an early age. The junior school head mistress was bemused when the kid got caught trashing the school veg patch. Head mistress phoned me up saying 'Mr Flash, your daughter will only say 'I cannot answer that question' when i was asking why she did it'.

The cover stories came next....Secondary school phoned with a similar discipline matter and were confused why miss Flash claimed to be a 'reccy mech who had got lost from the convoy and didnt know nuffing about no spec ops'.

Nar, he got taken into custody. He's 17 now, and is in trouble for exposing himself in the Mens at Manchester Train Station. I taught him well. The other little basstard joined the Salvation Army! Wasn't expecting that......

If you want a third for your patrols, you can have mine, she's three, and a gob on legs (aren't all birds) so is about ready for some good old fashioned discipline, and if you need extra pan bashers take the missus as well.

Bless 'em. I've just tucked them up safely in bed. I told them their favourite fairy story, the one where their dad wasn't a waanker.

I'm going to give it about an hour then go running in smacking a couple of mess tins together. A couple of teenagers have been smoking weed near our house so i've had to up the Bikini state. I'm afraid it's two on-two on for my lads tonight. Two hours on gate followed by prowler. I'm manning the radio.

My wife thinks shes got the night off. Wait till I shove her out of bed at two tomorrow morning. I've knocked up a fire picquet truck and i've decided we're going to have a pretend blaze near the off licence. That'll learn her.