Friday, January 29, 2010

So we have a lot to cover, what with giving birth and a new (lovely) addition to the fam and such, but before we get to that, I need your guidance on an unrelated matter. You guys are smart. Don't let me down.

This weekend, as part of a "standards night" I'm doing this workshop for the stake youth (and their parents) on the courage to remain chaste and virtuous.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

Of course, I've prayerfully considered passing out already been chewed gum, or letting everyone handle a rose and when it's dirty, comparing it to one's virginity, or discussing weird old quotes that imply it's better to die than make out in a parked car, yada yada. Turns out that my 27 years of life have left me with about forty awesome ideas of what NOT to do, but significantly fewer ideas about what TO do. I think any object lesson is destined to be blatantly offensive, so that's out, but, any thoughts on what you would have found helpful or meaningful on the topic back in your day? Or what you wish people were telling YOUR 12-year-old at one of these?

Friday, January 15, 2010

One thing that's fun about being this pregnant is that when you go places, friendly strangers ask you when you're due, and when you say "Yesterday," they think you're making a joke about how you feel really pregnant, so there's an awkward pause after they laugh when they realize, no, really, you were due yesterday.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Want to guess the kid's birthday, weight and size? I'll see if I can come up with a prize for the closest guess, most likely free legal advice and/or a nice air mattress to sleep on during your next trip to the Midwest, so, basically, people will covet you.

Thanks for the e-moral support.

Information you may find relevant:

I'm officially "due," as in 40 weeks, next Thursday (Jan 14).

Our first kid was 8 lbs, 13 oz, 21.5 inches, and 5 days overdue...though in hippie class they say there's no such thing as "overdue" bc a kid's not a library book, she should pick her own birthday, she'll come when she's ready, "turn your birthing over to your body," blahblah. But still, I was pregnant a long time last time. But they say subsequent children come earlier. But "they" also say loooove don't come eeeeeeeeea-sy (tell me you watched the horrible Bachelorette last time)so who knows.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

On Monday it was so cold I got frozen eye. I've only had that happen a handful of times in my life. You know, when the wet part of your eye freezes for a sec so your eyelid sticks for a minute when you try to blink. It's awesome, and a little freaky.

It is really, really cold. This isn't so bad considering I don't have to really go anywhere. We're talking the type of cold where if you get in the car and see a positive number on the thermometer you give thanks. Even if it's 1 or 0. AS IN IT IS ZERO DEGREES.

I realized today how bizarre it is that we use plural with zero. As in "I have zero hats on." Why not singular? "It is zero degree." Oh, English, you magnificent bastard tongue.

The other day I interacted with a hilarious mom who, instead of saying a good old-fashioned "no," kept telling her two-year-old to "Make a better choice, please!" in a sing-song voice.

It didn't work.

I also overheard her say "to-mah-to." I love people.

I'm at the point in pregnancy where you start thinking it's a permanent condition. I know I will not be pregnant forever, that eventually a child will emerge and I will no longer be this pregnant, but I don't feel like that will actually happen. Know what I mean?

Here are some acceptable things to say to really pregnant women: "You look great!" "How are you feeling? You look like you're feeling fantastic!" "Wow! I can't believe you are [whatever length of time] along!" "I'm rooting for you and can't wait to hear how well everything goes."

Here are some unacceptable things to say: really anything about how they must be miserable or due any day, or how your sister or cousin had the world's scariest near-death experience when she gave birth. Even if you have never made a truer statement, don't say it. Deal?

In my recent nesting, I found an old homemade CD that includes "No Woman No Cry" AND "I'll See You When You Get There" AND the Pina Colada song. Isn't that a weird assortment?

Man, I love ginger ale.

Families with naming themes fascinate and confuse me. All M-names, for example, or all B-names or what have you. Why does this happen? Do you think they ever want to call it quits after a couple of kids but can't? Do they commit right out of the gate, with the first kid, or after three or four do they decide it's time to stick with it?

Saturday, January 02, 2010

We can still be e-friends if you're not. Many of mine aren't for the internet (not bc they're gross. Just because this isn't that kind of blog. Have you seen any pee sticks or week-by-week belly pictures on here? Exactly...) but here are two of them in an effort to be realistic and aim high:

1. Use only reusable grocery bags the whole year. I do it generally but the goal is for zero plastic ones. ZERO. Impossible? Perhaps.

Quotable Quotes, or, tidbits from me life.

My professor, about people having their babies at home: Home delivery is for pizza.Me, about Prof: I LIKE his wavelength; I'm just not on it.Student: I don't think so.(long pause).Prof: No, you DO think so."I wish I had the opportunity to HAVE a sexual quality of life." -- student responding to survey

"I should cut up my credit cards.(long pause)Of course, then I would starve." -- Student

"Are you getting a manicure in my courtroom? What the hell are you doing?" Judge/Prof, to student clipping nails"He covered everything but his 1990 colonoscopy. Good example of a bad speech. Everyone wants to go home, so unless you're awfully funny, keep it brief." -- Prof"I'm not opposed to playing games. If you want to play solitaire, bring a deck of cards." -- Prof"If you want to spend time with your young children, you have to do it when they're young." -- Chief Justice RobertsStudent: That doesn't jive very well with the second article of faith, punishing people for their parents' transgressions.Prof: Yes, oh holy one."For expert witnesses, there are 2 requirements: must have gray hair, and must have hemorrhoids to convey the proper level of concern." -- Prof"I represented a prostitute, and some of her activities were highly aerobic." -- Prof"I lock my car. Do you know why? Because I have contraband." - - Prof"You can either finish law school and write patents at home 1 hour a day, while your little one scribbles on the walls with permanent marker, or you can strap your baby to your back and wash floors with a dirty mop in the early morning and late evening. You decide." --Friend, telling me not to quit"The children of lawyers who don't read footnotes will STARVE." -- Prof"You know what’s great about a new day? It’s a new day, full of new opportunities for rejection. I mean, WHO KNOWS who might reject me today?” -- Student, about the job hunt.

"Every time I read an opinion by Justice Breyer, I think of ice cream, and then I want some." -- Student

"I don't want a job. I want a life plan. I need direction!" -- Student."They met at a Communist party get together. Not exactly the wardhouse, but still pretty romantic." -- Prof"He thought he might be the father, because they had sort of an intimate relationship...well, not sort of." -- Prof"The federal government appreciates love. They understand it." -- Prof"You never tell your clients to lie. That's unethical. You say, 'Well, here is a potential, credible story that we hope is true.'" -- Prof"When you get caught speeding, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Say, 'IF I was speeding, I am sorry.' ADMIT NOTHING." -- Prof"It's true. You can google it on the Internet." -- Prof"Let me give you a hypothetical. Jesus goes to law school, graduates, what does He do? Criminal prosecution or defense? That's right, he's defending these monsters. He's a defense attorney. That's my gospel insight for the day." -- Prof."This is my job. I'm just trying to do my job, and you're giving me a hard time. I don't give you a hard time with your job. I just order my burger and fries." -- Prof to smart alecky student"It's just one more way he's found to shame me."--Student, about Prof

Student: I give up.Prof: Actually, only I get to decide when you give up.

"I think most people who work for the government are lazy, because I've been to the post office." -- Student

"I made the mistake of going out to lunch. I've seen the sun. I've tasted freedom." -- Student

"Imaginable in a common sense sort of way, not imaginable in a science fiction sort of way." -- Prof

Prof: Ready? You've had 19 minutes to think about this.Student: I know. I advanced a level on Warcraft.

"I know you hate me, because I made you read pages we didn't get to. I hate me too." -- Prof

"Don't go there. We have a chart on that that's gonna give you a rash." -- Prof

Prof: Passover is coming! Have you been thinking about it?Student: No, Ive been busy preparing food for it all week.Prof: Your excuse fails, because the law requires the lamb to be boiled not roasted, so it must be done quickly. Your excuse fails like the little boy who lost his CTR ring."

Student: Can you clarify consequential and incidental damages in this case? It's a little fuzzy.Prof: Let's just not.

Prof: Now, I want to go back to this student, because he's the one that said thou shalt not kill.Student: Well, God said that, I quoted it.

"An accumulation of bad choices will make you into a bad lawyer and therefore a bad person." -- Prof

My hope is that if I put private blogs here I'll remember to click on them