Personal Responsibility

From time to time I receive inquiries about who the wizard is behind the curtain. Well, here I am – though I must admit, I’m not much of a wizard. Born and raised in Cincinnati, Ohio, I grew up in the Catholic tradition of my parents. While I did not select Catholicism as my religious path in life, I do think that it laid the foundation for my interest in the spiritual life. I never much understood Catholicism and, if I’m honest, my most sincere theological question as a child came about in church one day when I asked my mother, “Mommy, why is Jesus wearing diapers?”

I was also adopted. It’s funny how many times I can say that to people and receive a response that goes something like, “I’m so sorry.” But I’m not sorry for anything. I was blessed with good parents and a good family who loved and accepted me as one of their own. This was no tragedy. I also never understood why people would tell me that people who have been adopted often have issues. While I do have issues, I’ve never once attributed those to having been adopted. That would just be a nice, convenient copout. Your own experience with adoption could be completely different.

My parents say that I started to give them trouble when I was about two years old. I’ve certainly no reason to doubt them. My teenage years and early 20s were filled with a lot of anger, confusion, and even run-ins with the law. Most people who knew me during this period probably cannot understand the person who I am today – I cannot blame them for that. We can only expect that people will remember us for who we were to them. All that stuff about impermanence and how everything is in constant flux, always changing? That’s for me to apply to my worldview. Nobody else has to get that – only me. This is the meaning of what it means to be a bodhisattva, in my opinion.

This is something important that I always have to come back to. The only myths which I can extinguish are those which I hold. The only views which I can make sober are my own. Others must get sober on their own. And that’s the point really. That’s the draw, for me, to Zen practice. Outside transformation is inside transformation, inside transformation is outside transformation. This does not mean that we cannot do big things! It just means that our candles must burn brightly in all that we do, big or small.

This is what I keep coming back to whenever I want the world out there to do the right thing. This is what I keep coming back to when the righteous indignation which I know all too well comes creeping up in me. How can I expect the world to change or adhere to certain tenets when I myself do not always do it? It is the ultimate hypocrisy and each one of us is guilty of it. How can other people see me clearly when I do not always see them clearly myself? It’s an important practice for me. I am an extremely idealistic individual. Buddhism teaches us that idealism leads to vilification. It allows us to feel that we are somehow better than whatever it is that’s the object of our criticism that day of the week. It is ego soaked in moral righteousness. Ego is the finger of blame that points everywhere but here, at us. We see a lot of criticizing and tearing of other people down. It’s so subtle, isn’t it? Because some offenses are so egregious that we feel we are wholly justified in our indignation, our anger. This certainly is no call for inaction, after all. If you read my words to say do and say nothing about the ills of the world then you have missed the point. We must simply apply the same level of criticism which we throw down like a hammer upon the rest of the world upon ourselves, also. And, where the lines are grey and we aren’t quite sure? Let us keep our fingers in our pockets on these occasions. We’ll have plenty of opportunities to do so in life, I promise.

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There is a story in the old testament Bible about the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Lot and his wife are told to leave the city because God is going to destroy it. He instructs them not to look back at the city as they leave. Lot’s wife looks back, and is turned into a pillar of salt.

How is it possible to know when compassion directs one into being angry at injustice, ignorance, and greed that it is something wrong? What you have suggested here is a form of sniffling non action. I know you tried to qualify this by saying that is not what you mean, but that is what you mean. We have no business judging others or ourselves. Anger is a part of the path, just as all the other emotions we experience. It takes real Buddhist practice to not judge our actions, though the whole world be against them. Sounds to me like this issue has become an approval issue . In ten thousand years what we do or don’t do is not going to make a iota of difference. Why not be free to express your original mind no matter what it produces spontaneously? 🙂

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