Saturday, August 13, 2011

Bald

Being bald, as I am, has an amazing number of advantages. For example:

When I walk or run I am aerodynamic.

When I swim I am hydrodynamic.

(When I dive, I am both.)

I know it's raining before anyone else.

Haircuts (not styling, just a plain old cut) cost from $10-$15, but I haven't had a haircut in 12 years.

I don't get bed-head.

I don't get hat head.

Being caught in the rain does not ruin my day.

High winds also fit into this category

I don't ever have a bad hair day, though I have been known to have a wild hair across my ass.

I don't own a comb or brush.

I don't have to buy shampoo or conditioner.

I don't ever waste time washing, rinsing, or repeating. Especially the repeating.

My hair never gets in my eyes, caught in anything, or pulled.

I will never again have gum in my hair.

I don't have to worry if my sideburns are straight. Sideburns? What sideburns?

I am easily describable, having an eerie resemblance to Mr. Clean, Dr. Evil, the "Have a Nice Day" logo, the WalMart Rollback Guy, Pac-Man, and most emoticons.

Whenever someone finds a hair in their food, drink, or pretty much anywhere else people tend to find hair where it doesn't belong, no one ever points the finger at me.

I have a bitchin' hat collection.

I have never found a gray hair.

Except for my beard. Oh, and my chest. Oh, and ... uh... nevermind.

Sometimes it's fun to go into a Salon that has a "Walk-Ins Welcome" sign in the window, park my butt in the chair and watch the woman's face in the mirror when I say "Juuuuust a little off the top, please!"