Pages

Friday, September 30, 2011

As an everyday blogger for the past two and a half years, I’ve been pretty much like a buffet at a Chinese restaurant; it may not always be good (or tasteful), but there’s always plenty of crap on the table.

That said, I looked at my schedule for October and saw a trip to South Bend (including attending my first Notre Dame football game), three golf tournaments, some big projects on a tight timetable and a two-week anniversary trip all over Italy with my lovely wife Anita.

I sat down and said to myself, “Jack, you need to crank out a month’s worth of content or - if you’re gonna be a lazy-ass - pre-load a bunch of old posts.”

After thinking it over for roughly six seconds, I chose Option B. Truthfully, I could use a break and if I hadn’t mentioned it, you may never have noticed it. My posts are kind of all-the-same and forgettable, after all.

If I can remember to take notes while out of the country, I plan to temporarily convert my weight-loss/healthy living blog into a travel journal. Goodbye, Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit; Hello,Jack Sh*taly, Goin’ to Italy!

Oh, and I’m not packing a scale…

But allow me to go out on a high note: here’s a guest post called "25 Ways to Improve Your Crappy Life" that I wrote for the super-fantastic Joyce Cherrier over at Freaking Fitness. It’s one of my most… well, it’s… okay, it’s pretty much like all my other posts.

Man, I need a vacation…

P.S. I do plan on updating Jack Sh*t Lite some throughout the month. My baby blog is too little to be left all by itself...

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Do you ever get that feeling that too many people are visiting your blog? That you’d do a little better without so many prying eyeballs oogling every damn thing you’ve got to say?

Don’t fret; I’m here to help drive down your loyal following. Follow these easy-to-implement steps and your blog will soon be an unpopular as mine…

• Stop using capitalization, punctuation and conjunctions.

• Start every post with “I don’t really have anything to say today…” and then proceed to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

• Always refer to your readers as “retards.”

• Include “fat-free” recipes, each of which start off with an entire can of Crisco.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

You don't know me and I don't know you, but I'm writing you
because I have to thank you.

If you want to know anything about me at
all, I can tell you that my name's Giulia, I go by Zu, I am Italian, I'm
a food and book addict (I know mixing drugs is dangerous, but sometimes
I use those at the same time, too), and I'm one of your undoubtedly
numerous followers (or more accurately, lurker).

I don't even have a
blog, I'm too much of a procrastinator to even think about maintaining
one for more than a week; I do, however, follow other people's blogs
quite religiously, yours in primis. I have a weight problem, obviously, I
wouldn't be writing you otherwise, but I also have a social anxiety
problem, which gave me quite a lot of problems in the last few years.

I
was trapped in a maze of binge eating, guilt trips, feeling worthless,
getting fatter and squashing everything down with more food. You know
the drill. I'm not out of it, yet, not by a long shot (I wonder if I
ever will be), but at least I see the emergency exit signs I wasn't able
to see before. You, among other and far more personal reasons, are one
of the whys you keep on asking about, why I do this here, why I do this
now, why. Because I needed it, because I wanted to say that I was worth
it (and believe it), because I needed someone to make me see this
huuuuuuuuuuge mountain that I had in front of me exactly for what it
was: just a gigantic pile of bullshit I had to climb one little step at a
time.

You have such a unique approach towards the food-issue and the
weight loss-issue and the oh jesus do I have to go to the gym
again-issue that made me realize that one of the biggest obstacles in
reaching the top of that goddamned mountain (pardon my french, but
they're neighbours) was simply my lazy-ass self and my non-stop whining
about my not being able to reach my goals. I can't do it, so I won't do it (and cry a little about it, while I'm there).

Guess what, I'm doing it, and I'm succeeding. So, that's why I wanted to thank you and your incredible sense
of humour, for helping me realize that life's already miserable for 90%
of itself and that it doesn't really need me to put another cherry of
desolation on its shitty top. I leave you with my whys, you can choose
one of them or throw them all away, it's your choice. I don't have any
pictures of myself, besides the one I took when I decided I had enough
and the one I took one year later; both pictures were taken on my
birthday and none were taken in between, so my cards are a
little...different. I leave them with you anyway. I will know that you
read them and you'll know that you touched me, and that will be enough.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

A hug,

Zu

I should have asked Zu's permission to share her correspondence with me, but think I'll implore her forgiveness instead. It just really captured pretty much what this entire project is about. I wish she had her own blog so I could follow along...

If you'd like to share your why-I-do-this-here note(s), please email 'em to me at jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com. Please pass along a blog link if you'd like it included.

Friday, September 23, 2011

• Listen to your body, except when it's saying "Hey buddy! How's about a bag of them there Cool Ranch Doritos?"

• Some gyms will let you work out for free if your friend creates a large enough diversion.

• To make yourself drink more water, remember this little saying that mother otters tell baby otters: "Be a good little otter and drink your water like you oughta." What? Yes, I know that otters aren't capable of human speech. I was just making a point about drinking more water. Geez Loiuse!

• When you salt food, use something besides salt.

• Yesterday's tomorrow is today's today. I don't see how that pertains to anything but I like to take any opportunity I can to BLOW YOUR MIND.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

“Can I bum one of those?” asked the guy that works in the financial company upstairs.

“Help yourself,” I answered, milling around near the back door of our office building, warm sunshine beating down on my slightly upturned face.

“Waitaminute…,” he stammered. “This is chalk!”

“Yeah,” I nodded, taking a piece of chalk from my lips and exhaling.

“Why are you ‘smoking’ chalk?”

“I recently read an article about how bad sitting at a desk can be for you.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Well, somehow smokers have worked it out so that they get multiple breaks during the day where they get to get up and go outside for a bit while I’m slaving away upstairs.”

“Yeah, but…”

“So when I take my ‘smoke break’, it allows me to stretch my legs and walk the halls, plus go up and down a couple of flights of stairs. That little bit of exercise really adds up, y’know.”

“Yeah, but…”

“And don’t discount the benefits of a little time in the sunshine. Vitamin D helps our bodies absorb calcium and helps form and maintain strong bones. Studies have linked Vitamin D deficiency to a number of serious health problems, including heart disease, several types of cancer, osteoporosis, diabetes, Alzheimer's disease and some autoimmune disorders.”

“Yeah, but…”

“And then there’s the whole concept of a mental break. The benefits of my time away from my workday stress include a mental recess, emotional relief and a physical change of place and pace. It all adds up to a healthy lifestyle.”

“Yeah, but dude… this is chalk.”

“Well,” I explained. “I ran the numbers on smoking and it turns out that the negatives… addiction, cancer, stinky clothes… far outweigh the health benefits of the ‘smoke break’.”

“So…”

“Chalk,” I grinned.

“Well,” the guy sighed. “At least that explains the hopscotch grid in the parking lot.”

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Well, it's a marvelous week for a weight loss,
With our pants moving down one more size.
It’s fantastic you track what you ate, boss.
Good thing you said “No” to those fries.

And all the workouts that you worked out,
To the sound of your favorite playlist.
And all the blogs that you regularly read now
(By far this one is the strangest).

But all your beeeeeeest efforts seems to falter and fail
And all the soft serve ice cream’s made you big as a whale.
Can I just have one more weight loss on you, my scale?
Did I just eat some more cream sauce again, oh hell!

Well, I wanna get healthly and more fit.
I can’t wait until I’m finally at goal.
I’m gonna do it or my name is not “Jack Sh*t”
Ummmm… okay, you got a point there, asshole.

But then I know my health will be better
When I put my own fitness first.
There and then, all my dreams will come true, dear .
And then I won’t look and feel my worst.

And every time I eat crap, I feel weaker inside
And when my pants get too tight, I just want to hide.
Can I just have one more weight loss on you, my scale?
Can I just make a big escape from this, my jail?

Well, it's a marvelous week for a weight loss,
With new habits that’ll be hard to break.
Just not gonna succumb to my old fate, boss.
Trading pounds off for that pound cake.

Yes all the flab on my abs it is leaving
As I break from my former routine.
All it takes is hard work and believing.
Plus exercise and some healthy cuisine.

Now all the pounds are falling,
And my future’s feeling more shiny.
And I’m trying to answer a higher calling,
To help others take pounds from their hiney.

And all the diet’s magic makes you healthy and strong
And you look so much better, when you’re rockin’ a thong.
Can I just have one more weight loss on my, rear end?
Can I just make some weight loss magic with you, my friend?

One more weight loss with you
In the moon light, on a magic night .
Can I just have one more weight loss with you, my love?

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I’m going to be out of town three weeks next month, one on a business trip to South Bend and two in Italy with my beautimous wife Anita.

So I’m fighting off the temptation to wait until I get back home to get really serious with my health/weight loss goals. One of the main reasons NOT to just to coast until November is that I realize how easy it would be to, at that point, just say “Well, let’s just wait until the holidays are over and get off to a brand new fresh start!”

You don’t have to tell me what a terrifically terrible idea that is, and I don’t need your sympathy about me having to travel to Europe and eat awesomely authentic Italian food (do they have an Olive Garden there?) and drinking hearty red wine as fast as they can stomp the grapes.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Tony Robbins always says "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." Or maybe it was Tony Orlando. I dunno... Google it yourself if you really gotta know. My point is that the folks who are the most successful on this weight losing/healthy living merry-go-round seem to be the ones who've really figured out WHY they want to be successful.

My W.I.D.T.H. (Why I Do This Here) series is simply a celebration of the multitude of reasons people have chosen to spur them along on their journey. If you'd like to share your reason(s), just shoot me a pic at jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com (be sure to include a blog link if you'd like it included).

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Damn, it sure pains me to see you, Jack Sh*t,
Sitting there after a gain.
Don’t you know better than eating Chinese?
Lots of sodium in that chow mein.
There’s no way to lose when you’re eating like that.
Your poundage is still way too high.
Your shirts don’t fit right and your pants are too tight,
And it’s not very hard to see why…

No one snacks like Jack Sh*t.
Drinks six-packs like Jack Sh*t.
Splits a rip in the ass of his slacks like Jack Sh*t.
No, there’s no one around quite as portly.
He’s true that he just ate a ton.
And if he doesn’t change things up shortly,
He won’t have much longer, in the long run.

No one drinks like Jack Sh*t.
Pulls high jinks like Jack Sh*t.
No one has a Twitter feed that stinks like Jack Sh*t.
Check the scale, yes, he’s still inflating.
What a lard-ass, that Jack Sh*t!

Now… no one diets like Jack Sh*t.
No one writes like Jack Sh*t.
No one works out in sparkly tights like Jack Sh*t.
Oh, his physique is nowhere as lumpy,
Yes, now he’s a workout machine.
Look, his biceps are getting more bumpy.
That’s right!
And every last inch of him’s getting more lean.

No one runs like Jack Sh*t.
Shows his guns like Jack Sh*t.
Has quit eating hamburger buns like Jack Sh*t.
I'm especially good at blog commentating!
Ten points for Jack Sh*t!

When I was too fat, I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large.
Now these days I know eating four dozen eggs,
Leaves you roughly the size of a barge!

No one jogs like Jack Sh*t
(more like “slogs” like Jack Sh*t).
No one writes such ridiculous blogs like Jack Sh*t.
I use protein whey in all of my smoothie-making.
Tweet it today,
He drinks lite cabernet,
And then tweet it some more,
He lifts weights ‘til he’s sore.
Who’s a super hot mess?
Don't you know? Can't you guess?
Ask his fans and his friends getting fit.
There’s just one guy in town whose weight’s coming down,
And his name's J-A-C-K- S-H- ummmmmm…
S-H-ASTERISK-T
JACK SH*T!!!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

I'm
turning off comments for this post because I really do want what you
have to say in note card form. Email your photos (preferably in jpg
format) to JackSh.tGettinFit@gmail.com. Be sure to include a blog link if you've got one...

LinkWithin

About Me

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jack,
Who never quit eating ‘cept to stop and have a snack.
Then one day he was standing on his scale,
And he realized he’d really let his body go to hell.
(Obesity that is, back fat, Texas toast)
Well the first thing you know old Jack he made a vow,
He’d ratchet up the exercise and slow down on the chow.
He wanted to get his weight back to where it oughta be,
So he loaded up his stuff and he moved to Bloggery.
(Google Blogger that is, writing posts, makin’ jokes)
Well now it's time to say hello to Jack and all his sh*t
As he chronicles his adventures on his journey to get fit.
You're all invited back each day to this locality,
To have a heaping helping of health and hilarity.
(Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit, that is.)
Y'all come back now, ya hear?