Friday, August 5, 2011

How Does Argument Affect Our Relationship

So often, in life, it is easier to find the "faults" - or rather our projection of faults - in someone than it is to find the positive. Especially, if we are angry, upset, or arguing with this person. Yet, to argue is a choice, is it not? Can you at any point in time shift the conversation - if you really wanted? That is to say, if you weren't having so much fun getting pissed off and having your blood boil. Of course, that alone can cause a variety of health problems - so, is it really worth it?

Some would argue that it is because they enjoy it and need to be right - or so they think. Yet, relationships like this are only going to end in the dumpster! Is that really where you want your relationship to go?

"But if we don't address the issues nothing will ever get resolved and then what?"

Somehow, I knew you were going to ask that question! Truth be told, arguing doesn't resolve - it complicates and more often than not diverts to other issues and away from the original one, right? Suddenly, you are arguing about something that happened last week, a month, or even a year ago and how is that resolving the present moment?

The first thing we must realize is ask ourselves;

"Why do I feel this way?"

"Where does my position in this situation originate?"

"How did I come to having these beliefs?"

"What are the good contributions, through our relationship, has this person made?

"What is it that I admire about this person?"

Now, you are armed with the means by which you can address the issues - all issues originate where? Did you notice by the types of questions above we were performing a self analysis?

Here is what happens in relationships - two people with different life experiences come together either as friends or lovers and when those belief systems collide - you get an argument. While you may have had similar experiences even you both through your human conditioning were taught different ways of handling them - neither way is incorrect.

At some point, however, you must ask yourself those above questions and then ask;

"Does this belief serve my highest good and intention anymore?"

If not, we must learn to let it go and create new beliefs and ways to handle situations.

You see, part of our Human Conditioning is to mimic those around us - so, odds are if you thought long and hard and were truthful with yourself you could find out exactly where you picked up beliefs, behaviours, and even reactions (how we handle things).

You may say “it sounds like I'm at fault for everything. Am I, right?"

Listen, first we need to do away with right and wrong - instead, think of it as what I have done and what I will / can do. Now, the biggest part of this journey owns the fact that you are creating your reality which means accepting responsibility for your life experiences and not trying to find fault or pass blame. An experience is something you have created to learn a valuable lesson and ascend into higher consciousness - whether you ascend or not depends on your response!

When arguing, for example, we typically are lashing out about something that is really bothering us - but, we don't often question why it's bothering us. Instead, we assume that someone else is to blame and we go into attack mode. The person we are attacking has a few options and choices on how to respond to this attack.

1. They could attack back - insult to injury

2. They could defend themselves - causing the person to attack more escalating the argument

3. They could listen - by allowing the person who is attacking to vent

4. They could state positive things about their attacker - it's kind of hard to be angry with someone if they love you through it.

The last two are key responses to situations - could you see how the argument might shift?

A majority of arguments come from "feelings" which are related to their human conditioning so we must be mindful of that as well - it will help us make the right choices when responding. So, it's fair to say that an emotional need isn't being met - or at least that is the feeling of your attacker - and by listening you will get clues as to real issue and what need isn't being met.

However, if you focus on the things that you love about someone instead of the "differences" then you WIN. It's not our job to point out faults in a person - remember, the finger is always pointing inward meaning we all have one or the other. Instead of arguing it’s better to discuss and agree. If you don't like an aspect of a person, show and understanding and love, by that they will be putting every effort to please you by adjusting or may be change completely. You can also advise since it's for the good of both of you. You are now one so what affects you affects your partner too. Understand the "faults"... Love the person... Love the Moments and ultimately love yourself.