Ugh, had a hissy fit this morning as I struggled to find my Japanese matte TV makeup… and when I found it, it had been bashed into total powder. How could I work like this? Looking puffy and aged (why did I have haggis last night?), I daubed the dark TV tint on my face, drew on some eyebrows and dreamed of how many things I could actually claim medical conditions for. Never mind, though, as it turns out I had TONS of time to fix my makeup contours: my driver couldn’t find my street and then followed the sat nav to the letter, taking our VW Sharan through war zones, several commons and, I’m sure, a circus.

By the time I got down to the Tooting Tram & Social – quite a nice place really – I aburst with bitchiness. Happily, the lovely Richard from the TV company was there with a loyal and gorgeous crew (who nevertheless advised me not to check my appearance in the TV monitor). And it is true that crews are getting more and more handsome every day – no wonder Ulrika and Julia Roberts schtump the techies.

‘What do you think of Oscar de la Hoya in his fishnets?’; ‘Who is going to be the Most Annoying Celebrity for 2008?’ With questions like this, time flies. Best questions of all pivoted on the rash of recent celebrity perfumes. The last time I flew Virgin I had to hold myself back from buying Sean Jean’s Unforgivable or Mariah Carey’s M, which, if you are a film buff, is a rather unfortunate title to say the least as it is exactly the same title as the Fritz Lang classic about a child murderer. (Has anyone noted that Mariah – love her though I do – is taking after Liz Taylor in the perfume promo stakes? She’s virtually underwater in her current photo, much as La Taylor was as she got progressively fatter and fatter. First Liz just held the perfume bottle like a normal person. Then she posed in a pool, the displacement growing. Then Liz opted to hold one of her pooches up to her face, hiding the human upholstery. And now, I swear, Taylor’s perfume promo shot is just her wig floating in a pond outside Century City.)

The rest of my time was spent with the crew coming up with celebrity fragrance names, inspired by David Coulthard’s Pole Position; Angelina’s Skinny, Ricky Gervais’ Laugh? I Thought I Wouldn’t, Myleene’s Lady Boy and Kerry Katona’s Eau du Chicken Nugget. Oh, and if you don’t like me rambling and changing subjects here at The American Bitch, may I suggest you get a column of your own.