Archive for August, 2012

An aspiring Senate candidate was accosted yesterday by a gang of unhappy fellow party members, disgruntled over the nominee’s refusal to drop out of the Senate race after making some legendary stupid comments about rape and abortion. The candidate was reportedly hospitalized to treat various brutal insertions into bodily cavities, and for some psychological treatment for trauma. He is expected to recover in time for the Fall election.

One question asked by a television reporter, after hearing about this attack, was whether the act was going to be considered legitimate rape or illegitimate rape. Rape experts have been sought to help answer the question, but they have said that precedent is not clear on this type of personal violation. If the act had been done by opposing party members, the experts believe that it would have most certainly be classified as “legitimate”. But since it was done by people from his own party, they say that it is most likely going to be considered illegitmate rape, thereby carrying much less punitive sanctions, perhaps merely a hand slap and a stern lecture from a social worker.

The candidate has responded that, while he may be walking funny for the next few weeks, he plans to stay the course in his Senatorial bid. Public outcry has suggested that this will provide a landslide win for his opponent, who is already the incumbent. The candidate admitted that he misspoke in the interview, and that he was fairly ignorant on the subject…but that in no way should ignorance disqualify him from being in the Senate. Many agree.

Asked how he will physically cope with the tough demands of campaigning, he answered that doctors have told him that the male body has ways to shut down this kind of pain. He said he expects to be dancing the Charleston by October.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.

Party leaders are scurrying, scrambling to determine what to do about the Gaffemaster. At first, they tried to figure out how to shut the idiot up. His continuous spew of knucklehead remarks, inappropriate slurs, and bumble-rooskies were seen as embarassing to the entire leadership team, forcing spokesman after spokesman to have to appear on morning TV shows to do damage control. As time went on, however, it became clear that most citizens did not care. They saw him as a genuine bozo, fully expecting to see him acting stupid, and simply shrugged it off. “What’s your point?” became the attitude.

More recently, leaders discovered that his endless series of flubs were actually quite entertaining to a large segment of likely voter-types. These citizens saw his goofy speeches as a pseudo stand-up comedy routine, chock full of chuckles in an otherwise dull, painfully boring campaign season. His straight-face, dry presentation style made his one-liners all the more hilarious. Like a snotty version of yogi-isms, his quips and quakes became crowd favorites. His recent “put y’all back in chains” slur to a racially-mixed audience drew huge laughs…so many laughs that the VP had to suspend the speech for 10 minutes to give him time to change his wetted pants. When he returned, he quipped that he hadn’t realized the team’s “Hope and change” campaign theme included underwear…drawing more laughs, and almost causing a change reprise.

Even the infamous gaffe where he asked a man in a wheelchair to stand up and take a bow which seemed humiliating at the time, now is touted as comic genius by the party. “The guy is remarkable,” a party spokesman said, laughing as he watched the tape of the wheelchair gaffe. “Look at that stone face…not a flinch…wow!”

Party officials now see the VP’s gaffes as an opportunity rather than a threat. They have given him a small staff of gaffe writers to devise some fresh new gag material for upcoming events. Advisors are working with the Gaffemaster to help with his dry delivery style, so that he continues to look like a bumbling birdbrain, rather than a polished comic…part of the “charm” that is critically important to retain for a few more months. Ironically, even his staunchest opponents are starting to laugh at the little screw-ups in private, feigning outrage in public. One unidentified opposing party member called his latest series of gaffes “the most pathetic, disgraceful performance by a Vice President since Aaron Burr,” then busted out in a spit take.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, although some are not so far from the truth.