Google Trump

August 30, 2018

Standing next to his computer in the Oval Office, Donald Trump declares, “It’s a disgrace Google rigs search results to show bad stories about me when users search Trump News. You know that can’t be right. Liberal fake news organizations like the Washington Post and CNN always pop onscreen while the fair conservative news media are blacked out. Google’s gagging us. Step on around here with your TV cameras, zoom in, and I’ll show you what I mean.”

Trump motions for Ivanka to come over and says, “Type: Trump News.”

He grins as she obeys. Then he becomes solemn.

“Look at all this propaganda. Terrible. ‘Trump may be impeached. Trump is getting screwed by Kim Jong Un and North Koreans still building missiles and nuclear weapons. Trump is planning to start a war in Iran. Iran nuclear deal was better than anything Trump will ever get with North Korea. Trump’s tax cuts may soon cause a budgetary crisis. Credit for jobs boom should go to Obama administration for more than seven straight years of economic expansion. Trump’s a narcissist. Trump’s an egomaniac. Trump’s a swinger. Trump bribes bimbos.’

“All those are lies, of course. That’s my point.”

Trump walks around in front of his desk and motions for cameras to prepare for the next shot. “All right, you goofy Google founders, Little Sergey Brin and Invisible Larry Page, either make Google a fair search engine and media outlet or the Republican Congress and I will pass antitrust and other legislation that’ll cost you billions. We’ll also start promoting other search engines. Yahoo and Bing are far more honest and their revenues will pick up immediately.”

“Let’s tickle our algorithms and satisfy Trump until he forgets about us and steps in a hole somewhere.”

“We’ll need to work on this twenty hours a day along with our thousand finest computer engineers around the world,” says Sergey. “I’ll notify them now.”

One week later, Donald Trump stands by his computer in the Oval Office and says, “Sergey Brin, who used to be a Russian, and Larry Page are two of the greatest Americans I’ve ever met. They’re patriots and geniuses and we owe them our truth today and our prosperity tomorrow.

“Bring those cameras around here and zoom in. Ivanka, please come on over and type in: Trump News.”

Ivanka, attired in a long low-cut pink dress, smiles at the cameras.

“Okay,” says Trump. “Let’s see what Google offers. ‘Trump is an economic wizard. Trump is better for jobs and production than any president in any country ever. Trump’s economic expansion will virtually eliminate poverty in two years. Blacks love Trump for brightening their future. Hispanic citizens of the United States idolize Trump for protecting their homes and jobs from hordes of illegal aliens. Satellite evidence indicates Kim Jong Un is rapidly destroying nuclear and ballistic missile facilities and will soon be unarmed and vulnerable to a joint U.S.-South Korean invasion. China is terrified of Trump and will quadruple its purchase of American products and rush half its navy into mothballs. Stormy Daniels says it never happened. Robert Mueller says the independent investigation has gone too far and must end right away. Trump will win two Nobel Peace Prizes. Trump likely to receive at least sixty percent of popular vote in the next election.’