The Hierarchy of Wedding Hookups

Aaron and Josh are two guy friends who have a podcast in which they try to answer questions about dating, romance, relationships, sex, and the vagueries of human interaction. (“If you’re not a straight cismale, then we (may) have the answers you’re searching for.”) They’ll be writing a weekly post on The Date Report expanding on some of the topics covered in their weekly podcast.

A few weeks ago, Josh and I addressed a question on how to find hookups at weddings. This is a noble goal; if you can push through your tears (just me?) long enough to find a single, well-dressed person, the odds are greatly in your favor. After all, you all just saw someone you know affirm that love is real, and that it’s possible for people like you! All the same, it’s important to know your targets. The Guy Friends propose a tier-based approach to finding wedding hookups. Think of them as tiers of the wedding cake– the bride and groom are at the top, and then we work our way down based on how close you are to the wedding party. Where you are on the tier list determines where your best chances for romance lie.

0th tier: the Bride(s) and Groom(s)

Really? Already? Everyone should stay out of this tier for obvious reasons, unless there’s an arrangement there, in which case, well, it’s their party.

Top tier: Wedding party

This one’s easy– if you stood for the wedding, you’re in this tier. Unless the newlyweds are assholes, you look great, and if the newlyweds are awesome, you match the decor! No need to lie about having a huge emotional stake in the wedding, because you actually had a huge emotional stake in the wedding! You’re so close to the bride and groom, it’s almost like you got married yourself, except you’re still single– in short, you are well situated to hook up with someone at this thing. Just keep in mind you’re among the best-looking single people here, and flirt with reckless abandon.

2nd tier: Could have been in the wedding party

Look, there’s only so much room on the wedding party before it starts to be meaningless. I know you’ve all been friends since 2005, but the bride’s brother had to get in there, and you were left as an also-ran. Or maybe you just couldn’t put in the time. In any case, you’re actually in a great position to close out a long-held crush on someone in the first tier. “I saw you standing up there, had to say something, etc.” If not now, when? Don’t wait until they’re in tier 0, that never works.

3rd tier: Definite invites

Think to yourself: did the bride or groom say, at any point, “Man, do we definitely have to invite [YOUR NAME HERE] to this thing?” If so, you are in this tier. This might actually be the worst tier for hookups, since you’re not quite close enough to the party to act like you own the place, but your social life is still tied to these people. Your best shot is to look your best hoping to get pulled by a tier 1 and keep an eye out for tier 4 people that suit your fancy. Speaking of which…

4th tier: Hangers-on

Are you coming with a friend who’s in tier three? Are you a distant cousin? Is this wedding huge and you just sort of got invited to it, and then just said “fuck it” and went? Congratulations, my friend, because you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You’re probably never going to see these people again, and even if you do, it was a wedding and everyone knows how weddings are. My suggestion is to flirt recklessly and shamelessly with any and everyone that you might be interested in.

The conclusion here is that weddings have romantic opportunities for every attendee– if you come as a couple, you’re almost guaranteed to say the words “I’m so glad I found you” before the night is out, and if you came single, well, there’s still a pretty good chance of that happening. Just keep your head on straight, remember your tier, and then find wherever the little kids are at on the dance floor and get down (just me?).