Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Work brings in a motivational speaker. They tell you that you can do anything you set your mind to. You invade the stage and state the existential concept of facticity suggest otherwise. A disciplinary hearing ensues.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A generally-decent Friday is ruined by the memory of Jennifer Jason Leigh’s accent in The Hudsucker Proxy. It takes several views of The Big Lebowski and Fargo to feel better until you remember The Ladykillers and everything’s ruined again.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)Your latest boyfriend is like a movie idol from the golden age of Hollywood. Alcoholic, racist, bisexual.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I don’t think nutritionists have done a ‘recommended daily allowance’ of honey-coated fudge pieces but I’d guess under it’d be under 150.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You test the boundaries of the word ‘winning’ this week after ‘winning’ an eBay auction for a Paddy McGuinness DVD.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
No word from ITV about your idea for a logical follow-up to Britain’s Got Talent called Mexico’s Got Glaciers.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After committing a terrible crime this week you now have the agonizing 50-year wait for the judicial system to punish you in a totally half-arsed manner.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A two-letter word repeated to indicate a string-suspended torus that can be oscillated up and down for entertainment. It’s all in the game, yo.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Please do not make any important life decisions if reading on Psychic Bob’s Horoscopes +1.