A Chicken In Every Audit Pot?

JAFFE

Every year as I finish up my taxes -- and yes, I always wait until the last week of March to get serious about doing them -- I get nervous about being audited.

While I have never experienced the process -- and know plenty of people who not only were audited but who actually discovered they had overpaid the government -- I live, like most people, with the irrational fear that my number must be coming up. I console myself in the knowledge that an honest man should have nothing to fear.

But, I also subscribe to the Arthur Godfrey School of Tax Theory. Godfrey -- the long-time radio and television personality -- once said that he was proud to pay taxes in the United States, but that he could be just as proud for half the money.

So if there is an allowable deduction, I take it. That's what those little loopholes were put in there for.

But it takes more brainpower to figure out this country's income tax forms than it does to actually earn the income, so each little deduction raises the fear that somehow I will mess up and that this will be the year when I do the paper tango with the IRS.

If you share that kind of worry and if this turns out to be the year you really do get audited, there is good news ... and it comes in the form of a kosher chicken.

For the second year in a row, Empire Kosher Poultry of Mifflintown, Juniata County, is offering what it calls the "H&R Chicken sympathy swap."

You send in a copy of a federal income tax audit notice, Empire sends you a certificate good for a kosher chicken. The reason for the chicken giveaway -- and the company spokeswoman honestly said this -- is because "kosher chickens are the only ones who know more about inspections than the IRS."

The whole thing started a year ago, on tax deadline day, when Empire ran an ad in New York City that said something to the effect of how consumers should be thankful their tax return would be audited by revenue inspectors and not Empire's crew of 75 rabbis.

To be labeled kosher -- in accordance with Jewish dietary laws for what is clean and fit to eat -- a chicken must undergo a wide variety of inspections beyond simple U.S. Department of Agriculture standards. The birds must be free of lesions, bruises and broken bones, signs of abnormality or anything that would indicate the bird would have died within a year had it been allowed to live. There are other restrictions, too.

Each chicken must pass multiple inspection stations before it is approved; Empire spokeswoman Birgitta Wade estimated that the rabbis reject about the same number of birds as the USDA inspectors -- somewhere around 2 percent of the total processed -- in effect doubling the count of chickens that don't pass muster.

"We kind of figure that the only ones who know more about inspections than the IRS are the people at a kosher poultry plant," Wade said. To borrow from the advertising slogan of a company that makes kosher meat products, you might say that the folks at Empire report to a higher authority than the Internal Revenue Service.

After the ad appeared last year, Empire struck on the giveaway as a way to empathize with the unfortunate souls about to experience an IRS review. In exchange for a copy of the audit notice -- and Wade suggested that consumers black out any sensitive material so long as it is clear who has gotten the IRS's calling card -- consumers get a free chicken.

In all, about 600 birds were given to people from Maine to California. A typical Empire chicken, Wade said, weighs about three pounds and retails for between $5 and $6.

This year, Empire added a new wrinkle. Everyone who passes a federal audit without owing further money gets a free kosher turkey.

Wade didn't have a specific reason why Empire was giving away the turkeys. It must have something to do with that bird being the official symbol of the Internal Revenue Service.

(Enough cracks like that one and it's Chicken City for my tax return.)

To claim a chicken -- and then, if everything goes your way, a turkey -- send a copy of a federal audit notice to H&R Chicken (that's a play on the name of a certain accounting firm), c/o Empire Kosher Poultry, P.O. Box 165, Mifflintown, PA 17059. Federal audits only; local, state and other tax procedures do not qualify.

"Last year, we got letters from accountants who wanted to take advantage of it for their customers, and from people from all over the country," said Wade. "But we don't expect people to try to take advantage of it and get free chickens all the time because, in order to collect, you have to go be audited. Not that many people will be eligible, and most people wouldn't want to go through it a second time just to get a free chicken."

Even with a free chicken, the thought of an IRS audit is enough to give me the shakes. Of course, that's nothing that couldn't be cured with some homemade chicken soup (and a good accountant and tax attorney).

"Being audited is tough," Wade said. "It's tough because of the time you have to spend dealing with it, but mote than that, it is the emotionally unsettling process of having every part of you checked, re-checked and then checked again. At times like this, we all need someone who's been through it. That's our chickens."