I have an idea for a new app: It'll tell you what your dog is thinking. What? How? Through a sensor planted in the dog's collar. Every time it barks, whines or sighs, the sensor will beam an English translation to your phone. It'll either say feed me, walk me, I need to potty, or leave me alone, or a random combination of those. That sounds like the most useless app ever. It'll also shout I'm running! when the dog is running.

Our secret midlife crisis fling is still on track for June of 2018. Almost. Almost? That's right. You're not exactly doing your part. Where are the tattoos I designed for you? Where are the six-pack abs? If you'd been following the meal and workout plan I sent you, you'd have six-pack abs by now. you were serious about -- Have you even started the Rosetta Stone French lessons I gifted you? The pillow talk is supposed to be in French. Can't we just use Google translate? Beep beep. Unacceptable. Don't be the weak link on the committee, Rudy.

What've you been up to since college, Lemont? Oh, I became a journalist â€¦ had a kid, blah blah â€¦ but I wanna hear about you, Rudy. Grigori Rasputin. How've you been all these years? How's your Uncle Mort? Are you a Russian spy? Boop boop boop. How'd that stomach-tumble-translator startup you founded in the nineties go? Wait ... what did you say you became? What do they have on President Trump? How's your cat? Boop.

I hear you're sending Rudy to a clandestine meeting with Russian agents for the purpose of coordinating the blackmailing of the American president. What?! I am not! What ever gave you such an outlandish idea? I overheard Rudy asking Siri "How do I say 'hello' in Russian?" That proves nothing. Then he said "Siri, how do I say 'my boss wants your boss to blackmail our president' in Russian?" That could mean anything. Then he said "Siri, how do I say 'that means exactly what it sounds like it means' in Russian?"

You're on "Ask Sadie." What's your problem?! Donald Trump. I had a stroke last year, and I'm totally housebound. Meals on Wheels brings me food every day â€¦ so I donâ€™t starve. When I voted for Donald Trump, I was under the influence he was going to help us, not take my food. Translation: You thought he'd cut other people's programs, not yours. Maybe you can chew on that for the next four years.

I have an idea for a new app: It'll tell you what your dog is thinking. What? How? Through a sensor planted in the dog's collar. Every time it barks, whines or sighs, the sensor will beam an English translation to your phone. It'll either say "feed me," "walk me," "I need to potty," or "leave me alone," or a random combination of those. That sounds like the most useless app ever. It'll also shout "I'm running!" when the dog is running.

I'll tell you another way I'm living proof of natural selection … Ok. For 200,000 years, people have been primarily only been able to mate with people who speak the same language. But now that my phone translates what I say into any language on Earth, my dating pool has grown exponentially. What are you doing the rest of your life? Nenzani konke ukuphila kwakho? Yeah. that's gonna work.