Crucial Wedding Rules No One Else Will Tell You

Avuncular Wedding Advice From The Avuncle Of The Bride

From time to time, DrHGuy, aka The Avuncle Of The Bride, checks SportsBizPro’s Wedding Blog,1 the one and only genuine, authentic, 100% sanctified account of the official pre-wedding events pertinent to the impending nuptials of Very Very Good Girl2 and SportsBizPro3 not only to assure himself that their Connubial Bliss Express is running on schedule but also to maintain his awareness of just what it is that the young folks are about these days.

Wedding Rule #1 – Limit risk of pre-wedding facial bruising

It was SportsBizPro’s most recent post, Wedding Rule #1 that caught DrHGuy’s eye. The text is excerpted below:

Neither Anna nor I are as active as we want to be, but both of us do play in separate soccer leagues during the fall and spring. For those of you who don’t like, play or watch soccer, it’s more of a “contact” sport then it gets credit for in mainstream American media…and because of this after a game, you can really come out bruised and broken. (Those of you who have played soccer with Anna probably know where this is going). Anna bruises like a freakin’ peach and because of this we have implemented:

WEDDING RULE #1
Soccer will not be played for 1 month leading up to the wedding to avoid bruises on the arms legs and face.

The face part was added to the rule today because of a little elbow I took while playing on Thursday night. The bruise is really coming in nicely 36 hours after the incident. If it gets any worse, I’ll definitely update the picture, but I wanted to capture proof of my semi black eye. Could you imagine if Anna or I had a freakin’ black eye on our wedding day?!? Our mothers wouldn’t be crying tears of joy, that’s for sure.

While one might quibble over the idiosyncratic punctuation and the lexical fascination with “freakin’,” both of which are readily attributable to youthful exuberance, this is a particularly insightful and useful injunction with respect to wedding plans, sparking hope in DrHGuy’s heart that there are those in the younger generation with the grit, determination, and properly aligned priorities to perpetuate the principles he holds dear.

In that spirit, DrHGuy, a veteran of two weddings, one of which was successful, and an observer of many more such ceremonies, offers a few additional guidelines for those perilous times just prior to the ceremony.

Wedding Rule #2. Avoid being immobilized

This recommendation holds special significance for DrHGuy. To SportsBizPro’s concern about soccer injuries, let’s add this admonition: do not fracture a hip within two months of the wedding.

Clearly no wedding gown is designed to coordinate with a walker, and the assurances of the salesmen at Men’s Wearhouse notwithstanding, even a fancy cummerbund won’t be sufficient to distract the eye.

This rule comes with corollaries:

2A. If it’s possible you have foolishly fractured a hip already, avoid doctors.

2B. Failing that, by all means avoid undergoing x-rays. For the six weeks before he underwent a hip x-ray, DrHGuy’s leg pain was diagnosed as a muscle pull. The instant that radiological assessment was unveiled, however, DrHGuy’s pulled muscle vanished, only to be replaced by a fractured femur. Without x-ray: muscle pull; With x-ray: broken hip. You do the math.

Wedding Rule #3. Carefully check wedding gifts for danger

You have probably seen the headlines about Chinese made toys being recalled because of lead paint and other problems. While one could trust that friends and family would buy sex toys made in America as gifts for the bride and groom (who, one hopes, have registered their preferences at one of the fine all American emporiums of bedroom accouterments), the wiser course, especially given obvious discomfort toxic toys could cause, is inspection before insertion.

Incidentally, for the month or two prior to the wedding, it is prudent to substitute rope or leather restraints, which can as a last resort be removed by cutting, for handcuffs which are considerably more resistant. Further – and trust me on this – the police have heard all the alibis and will know exactly how the groom came to be dressed in the honeymoon lingerie with his wrists handcuffed behind his back regardless of the well rehearsed and sincerely related lies you tell them.

Wedding Rule #4. Converting to a religion that worships a six-headed goddess who devours her children or a potato with an uncanny resemblance to Elvis Presley during his Las Vegas phase is forbidden during the 3 months just prior to the wedding

Wedding Rule #5. When catastrophe portends and escape from the current situation is essential for social survival, fake a seizure

If one is, however, either the bride or groom a wedding is, alas, not an appropriate arena for such desperate measures. Yet, as one might imagine, a wedding might engender any number of scenarios that might make such an out notably desirable. The answer is, of course, a designated seizure-faker. A well-chosen Best Man is often the optimal choice.

Wedding Rule #6. The groom who harbors hopes for a long and happy marriage is well-advised to avoid making suggestions such as attiring the bridesmaids in French maid uniforms, regardless of how freakin’ hot that would be

If he values his relations with his bride or the bride’s family, the wise groom also eschews scenarios in which the bridesmaids are clad in denim cutoffs and halter tops; matching pink panties, bras, and 5 inch spike heels; a single strategically placed bridesmaid’s bouquet; or any apparel constructed from leather.

While we’re on the topic of traditional ceremonies, grooms with a perspective extending beyond the next weekend will forgo promoting such innovations as transforming the rehearsal dinner or the wedding reception into a tailgate party or a kegger.

Here’s a handy rule of thumb:

A wedding suggestion beginning with “Technically, it wouldn’t be illegal to … ” is a wedding suggestion one should immediately and irrevocably repress.

Very Very Good Girl is the daughter of Duke of Derm and Princess of Peds as well as sister of Lt At 14 [↩]

SportsBizPro, who, as his blogonym suggests, works in the field of sports accouterments and seems a decent sort although Very Very Good Girl has known him only since the 9th grade and, more to the point, DrHGuy has been aware of his existence only the last two or three years, which places him squarely within the probationary period. [↩]