Abel to Yzerman

I need to lose about fifteen pounds. Maybe twenty. I should probably cut down on the cigars and my sarcasm has a tendency to scare young Sailors. I should have cleaned the garage before I left on deployment and I think I can tackle that little ditty when I get back. There. Aside from the sarcasm and the cigars, I think it’s all reasonable. Except for the garage part. It’s pretty messy. And losing weight in your 40’s is just hard. It’s hard work. So…that may not happen either.

But don’t fret, my friends. Don’t you fret. I have other resolutions we can all redolently ponder. And so we shall.

Count them down with me, won’t you?

10. I will stop picking on Blues fans, particularly the citizens who dwell at St. Louis Game Time. Not only will I stop insulting them, I’ll stop visiting that blog after Wing wins to laugh at them. I’ll stop just dropping in, “trolling”, leaving witty one liners then giggling to myself and departing. It’s immature and it has to stop.
Holy hell. That may have been the most idiotic string of sentences I’ve ever tip tapped. New Year’s resolutions are stupid because we make them in moments of weakness, and often while so drunk that the resolutions themselves are peppered with thick vomit. That’s a prime example. There is no 12-step program for me when it comes to Blues fans. Ripping them and reminding them of their pathetic lots in life have become personal staples in my life. I don’t like them and, believe me when I tell you this…they do not like me. Not one bit. The other night after my personal savior, James Fuching Howard, shut them out, I did this…

9. I will absolutely stop glorifying Todd Bertuzzi. I won’t speak of him in glowing terms when I compare him to history’s most heinous serial killers. What he did to Steve Moore was unprovoked and disgusting. It’s time I took the moral high ground. Bertuzzi must be exposed for the menace he is and I’ll lead that charge.
No I won’t. I’ll continue to beg Bertuzzi to be meaner and more disgusting. I love that he’s hated. I’ll defend his actions, including the Moore hit. I’ll clap my hands together and make baby noises when he scores in places where he’s despised. And I’ll do all that because I’m a Wing fan, by god. And that man is a Wing. His teammates dig him and so does my Uncle Mike. That enough, more than enough really, for me.

8. I’m going to finish that infernal Rivalry Depth Chart. It is such a good idea and I’ve promised it so many times. I’m ashamed of myself for not completing it and even more ashamed of all of you for ever expecting that I would. That changes now. I’ll have it done by 15 January. Mark it down.
Don’t do that. Don’t mark anything. I’ve tried. I think about it all the time and I shrivel in bad places when you bastards throw it in my face. I’ll never finish it because it would take a level of sustained focus that I’m just not capable of anymore. Make your own charts you turds.

7. While we’re at it, I’m going to increase my blogging frequency back to 2006 or 2007 levels. I’m going to bring you the late breakers and the caustic wit that we all enjoy. I’m going to write flowing prose about hookers and Don Ho, little stinky puppies and the children who chase them through fields of daisies, their cute faces smeared with melted Charleston Chews. We’ll talk about fire trucks and Swedish men with big asses. We’ll do game recaps and I’ll surprise you with explosive, angry manifestos.
Yeahhh…no. I don’t see that happening. Well, maybe. I do love it. Just writing that ditty makes me smile. We’ll see. Deployments, like marriages to women without senses of humor, don’t last forever. We’ll see.

6. I absolutely must stop jinxing the Wings with the Live Blog lead-ins. It seems that every time I really blast teams like the Brittle Bitch Blues or Dive, when I lay into them with an extra ounce of venom, when I absolutely guarantee a Wing victory because the beautiful miracle of a manger baby promised me joy? Our Wings lose and the sadness takes me to places I don’t enjoy. So I’m going to stop that. I’m going to tone it down and mildly wish for victory, express hope but not overt optimism.
Strike that, as Wonka said in that sinister little room just before he led Buckets and Gloop and Mike TV on a journey to the depths of their blackened souls. Strike that and reverse it. I’m going to turn it up a notch. I’m tired of denying for even one second that destiny doesn’t belong to the Greatest Hockey Team on Earth. My predictions will be more forceful. More Swagger is what we need and more Swagger is what we’ll have. We founded this bitch on the premise that we’re Red Wing fans by God and with that comes the guarantee that this team has a better than 90 percent chance of winning every goddamn game. So suck on that if our confidence makes you curdle.

5. I’m going to write right. I’m going to stop spelling “tonight” without the g and the h and using an e where it doesn’t belong. I’m going to learn the correct spelling of Canadian(en) and do away with the parenthesis. Subject, verb, direct object. Again. Subject, verb, direct object. Again. Basic sentences. Exceptional grammar. Spell check and 12 words per sentence. We’re going to be concise and correct. Because that’s what good bloggers do and there’s nothing more important than being a “good blogger.”
Well you can go ahead and stick that right up your pompous asses you elitist mainstream wannabees. I’ve been blogging for seven years and if there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s “good bloggers” who write like beat writers and like to point out the flaws of those of us who don’t because we’d rather ramble on like drunk Sailors on bar stools teetering and stopping mid-sentence to consider whether the urine stains are going to go away if we just sit there for an hour longer and while we’re at it why not talk about the Detroit Motherfuching Red Wings. It’s how we roll. It’s more fun. It’s how we talk when we’re around our fake friends and it’s the only acceptable language in the Hasek where reason is discouraged because reason means not stressing with a 3-goal lead going into the third and not a single one of us is capable of relaxing as long as E52 still has a shift left.

4. It’s time we put the Lightfoot references away. We’ve used every line in that song and it’s become tired and cliche. In fact that whole Seger/Fitzgerald reference M.O. lost its effect about two WCF’s ago. Let’s find some new devices and use those.
If you read that whole resolution you have problems with the written word. You literally believe that because someone took the time to write something, that it’s true. I couldn’t stop channeling Gordo and Bullet Bob if I wanted to, and I most certainly do not. When things are bad, the cook can’t feed us. It’s too rough. When a game appears lost the main hatchway’s given in. When the Joe is a beacon of absolute glory, of such bright light on the horizon, when a series victory rests just over the sticky steps leading up to the Howe entrance? 19 of us are in that dusty old hall in Detroyet. And hear this: there’s gonna come a time when I call for a gathering of the 19 at a bar 12 hours outside of Mackinaw city. We’re all gonna stop and have ourselves a brew. Seger’s here as long as the adorable one lets the interns come to work every day.

3. Even the slightest references to Sidney Crosby in any negative tone must stop. Not only is he the face of hockey, he’s also the poster child for our sport’s biggest problem. It’s 3 days into yet another Year of our Crosby and we’ll treat him with the reverence, the adulation and the swaddling, sweating, genuflecting adoration that he deserves. Under no circumstances will any of you joke about his condition or infer for one single second that Gary Bettman has worn an 87 onesie for 33 straight days as homage to the Boy Who Saved Hockey.
Whoooooo. I thought that was one resolution I could keep. I was walking the streets of Hong Kong the other day, taking in the sickly stink of Asia, and I was wondering how I could be a better man this calendar year. For a brief moment, guzzling a warm San Miguel, I thought a good start would be to just stop picking on Crosby until he’s back, skating and shooting. Scoring and diving and sack punching, whining like a little tiny bitch, begging for calls and sporting a mustache that makes him look like an 11 year old Nicaraguan boy. Then I realized that was just too much to ask. I’ll never hope for his continued fogginess and I’d like him to play again this season, maybe if only so Hank Zetterberg can destroy his fragile mind once again. But…you get the idea. He is what he is. Rosby.

2. Bitch and Bettman. If there are two consistent refrains from those who find us unsavory it’s our consistent use of “bitch” and our unyielding view that Gary Bettman is a sniveling pathetic troll of a failed commissioner who has a very real anti-Wing agenda. Obviously, each of those crutches is immensely juvenile and if we hope to gain any credibility in the highly credible world of hockey blogging we must put a stop to them both. So we’ll try. Delta College interns tell us that we say “bitch” an average of 19 times per manifesto and that we blast the leather-clad ball-mouthed dwarf every third post. We’re going to cut way down on both.
Hmmm. I suppose that if we wanted to cave to the shrivs we’d cut down on “bitch”. I’ve seen the comments from some overly sensitive readers who feel we’re degrading women when we use that term. I’ve also seen bitter bitches who wish they had the type of discourse we have here, the kind of relationship we’ve built among our fake friends, who don’t understand that we use that term two ways: it’s endearing among the 19 and it’s a great, appropriate and highly entertaining means of laying waste to those we don’t like or respect. It’s not a slam against women. Ask the 19 women who use it appropriately, frequently and hilariously. It’s our term, bitches. We coined it for our purpose and we’ll use it as long as the Emperor lets us keep our fort in this tree.

And as for Bettman? Never. Not until he’s fired and exposed for the absolute fraud of a garbage picking owner blowing game wrecking twitching toad that he is will I ever stop pointing out that he has screwed the Wings at every possible turn. Shit. It’s not even just the Wings anymore. How’d that Classic go for you? OT, eh? Made for TV gimmicks now Gary? The suspensions, the quick turnaround on SCF games, the mind alteringly pathetic officiating that seems to bite the Wings at the worst possible times, the all star ballots and the award nominations. The conference shifts and the promises made that kept getting blown off. We’ll let you waddle back onto the JLA ice this June, Gary. That’s the only time you’re welcome in Hockeytown, bitch. Laying off the little fella is one resolution that I just cannot keep.

1. I’m 43. I’ve got 3 kids and a great wife. I love my job and there’s honor in what I do. Letting a hockey game affect my emotions, letting a playoff game send me into a depressive funk that is almost beyond description…it’s time I moved on from that. And I will. I can and I will.
Every single one of you, all 19 of you, know that’s a damn lie. And what’s worse is that every single one of you dig it.

Ten resolutions and not a damn chance in the hottest of Hells that I’ll keep any of them.

Comments

Posted by
mrfluffy
from A wide spot on I-90 in Montana on 01/03/12 at 12:50 PM ET

10 reasons it’s good to be part of the 19 and a bitch, bitch.

Posted by
MOWingsfan19
from I really like our team on 01/03/12 at 01:10 PM ET

“I suppose that if we wanted to cave to the shrivs we’d cut down on “bitch”. I’ve seen the comments from some overly sensitive readers who feel we’re degrading women when we use that term.”

Well, these women should not be reading this blog if they feel “degraded”..get a life!

Your last point touched me the most…my co-workers wanted me to get help at one point because when we lost a game and I came back the next morning..hell would fall upon them all. Of course..most of them would never understand…some don’t even watch hockey (that is a sin in my book…and you call yourself a Canadian!). I have 2 Blues fans…makes me sick and there are 8 die hard MTL fans….which for the record, they DO respect us…a LOT…in fact, all of them told me that if the Canadians can’t win, they don’t mind having the cup in Detroit. Now THEY get it

Great post again, and I wish everyone a Happy New Year and may this be the year where captain Nick shall lift the holy grail one more time…please..one more time

Posted by
Nathalie
from MTL on 01/03/12 at 01:10 PM ET

it’s endearing among the 19

We few, we Hasek riding few, we Band of Bitches.

LGRW

Go Blue

Posted by
WingsFanInBeanLand
from where free agents no longer dare. on 01/03/12 at 01:37 PM ET

Every single one of you, all 19 of you, know that’s a damn lie. And what’s worse is that every single one of you dig it.

Heeeeelll, yeah

Believe me when I say that Im NOT a superstitious person at all, but for the Red Wings…
Keep beard with winning streak - check
Using same Wings jersey in every playoff gameday - check
Changing Wings jersey after a playoff loss - check

You have no idea how silly this crap looks for me… And Im gonna do it all over again, every motherfuching playoff, until I die

Posted by
Zqto
from Brazil on 01/03/12 at 02:08 PM ET

...and sporting a mustache that makes him look like an 11 year old Nicaraguan boy.

That made me spew coffee out of my nose. Priceless, Chief. It should be incorporated into the A2Y Glossary.

Posted by
Cwix
from Grand Rapids, now Chicago, IL on 01/03/12 at 02:17 PM ET

Posted by bob loblaw on 01/03/12 at 12:12 PM ET

Out of all the material he gave you and this is the best you can come up with?

I miss quality trolls.

Posted by
mrfluffy
from A wide spot on I-90 in Montana on 01/03/12 at 02:22 PM ET

Master Chief - like it says in that commercial about the Stanley Cup:

There Are No Words.

Except this: Thank you.

Bitches.

12 in 12!

LET’S GO RED WINGS !!!!!

Posted by
MsRedWinger
from GlennieAbbyLand, now in Flori-Duh on 01/03/12 at 02:51 PM ET

A classic, Master Chief.

Thanks.

and, ...

L.G.R.W.

Posted by
stonehands-78
from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 01/03/12 at 03:24 PM ET

Obviously you gave your resolutions serious thought, then immediately dismissed them and for good reason. No other team in hockey can make claim to the ” modern era” gold standard that DET has set in the past 20 years, none.

The others are just wannabees. Their fans piss, moan and detest the Wings. But they wish more than anything they could be so good, for so long.

And the Chief makes their deficiencies readilly apparent at every opportunity, in the most juvenilicious manner; and that never disappoints.

No, you sniveling little coward. A Man, and, a Leader, in every sense of the word.

A Man. Something that you will NEVER be.

A Man, that, every single day, continues to protect your right to continue being an A$$HOLE and LOSER every single day, for the rest of your miserable TROLL life.
Go crawl back under that rock. Fuch you. Bitch.

No, you sniveling little coward. A Man, and, a Leader, in every sense of the word.

A Man. Something that you will NEVER be.

A Man, that, every single day, continues to protect your right to continue being an A$$HOLE and LOSER every single day, for the rest of your miserable TROLL life.
Go crawl back under that rock. Fuch you. Bitch.

Had online other team fans asking me when the Wings traded for Bert if I was happy about it and I told them hell yeah. Just wish now after the Saints destroy the Lions this Saturday the Red Wings quickly start training Suh how to skate so we can finally have a player on our roster other than Datsyuk that can win a fight
Commie and Bert eat fists these days.
With you all the way on little gary hating. The only good lawyer is a lawyer that actually works as a lawyer and is not commish of a sports league or a politician. They make the worst leaders.
2011 sucked. 2012 resolution eat drink and be merry or at least be well fed and drunk when pissy. If 2012 ends up sucking as bad as 2011 then my resolution is to be to drunk to remember.

At least she’s a fan dickwad. You’re just a pathetic little troll who isn’t even smart enough to be a good troll. Go find a team to believe in… it’s better than masturbating in your mom’s basement until your unemployment check arrives in the mail.

Now I gotta go listen to some Nickleback and write my resolutions…..or not.

Posted by
Rumbear
from Top O the Hasek, with 3 fingers of rum & a cigar.. on 01/03/12 at 05:32 PM ET

might wanna get off his nuts, sport. LOL

Posted by bob loblaw on 01/03/12 at 02:55 PM ET

You’d know alot about sports involving nuts, wouldn’t you?

Posted by
mrfluffy
from A wide spot on I-90 in Montana on 01/03/12 at 05:51 PM ET

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 01/03/12 at 03:13 PM ET

+19 - Twice

Posted by
MsRedWinger
from GlennieAbbyLand, now in Flori-Duh on 01/03/12 at 05:54 PM ET

Best way to deal with human debris like our little troll is to pretend it doesn’t exist.

Posted by
MsRedWinger
from GlennieAbbyLand, now in Flori-Duh on 01/03/12 at 05:58 PM ET

Best way to deal with human debris like our little troll is to pretend it doesn’t exist.

Posted by MsRedWinger from somewhere in the Cosmic Dust on 01/03/12 at 03:58 PM ET

It is extremely rare for me to feed a troll. I will not, however, let anyone bash Master Chief William P. Houlihan.
What he does, he does for us all. No questions asked. He is an Honorable Man, and, I know everyone of the 19 respects him, and, the sacrifice, that he and his family make for us every single day.

It is extremely rare for me to feed a troll. I will not, however, let anyone bash Master Chief William P. Houlihan.

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 01/03/12 at 04:21 PM ET

Oh Kate, I hope you didn’t misunderstand. Notice I gave your comments +19. I totally agree with you. I just meant in general.

I recognize this particular piece of shit from another site where, every time he was banned, he came back with a new screen name. I recognize his easy-to-spot style. And he specializes in trying to get people riled up.

But I do apologize if you thought I was criticizing you for responding. I wasn’t.

Posted by
MsRedWinger
from GlennieAbbyLand, now in Flori-Duh on 01/03/12 at 07:24 PM ET

...the Red Wings quickly start training Suh how to skate so we can finally have a player on our roster other than Datsyuk that can win a fight

are there ice skates that would hold a 307 lb man up, with out breaking?

Posted by
TheRealYooper
from within sight of the edge of the Earth. on 01/03/12 at 08:14 PM ET

are there ice skates that would hold a 307 lb man up, with out breaking?

Posted by TheRealYooper from within sight of the edge of the Earth. on 01/03/12 at 06:14 PM ET

Hell…could the ice even hold him?

Posted by
42jeff
from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 01/03/12 at 09:31 PM ET

..the Red Wings quickly start training Suh how to skate so we can finally have a player on our roster other than Datsyuk that can win a fight

are there ice skates that would hold a 307 lb man up, with out breaking?

Posted by TheRealYooper from within sight of the edge of the Earth. on 01/03/12 at 06:14 PM ET

“Skate to throat” has a whole new meaning.

Posted by
SYF
from the C7.R, flyin' low and feelin' mean on 01/03/12 at 09:38 PM ET

Great read

I’m new to posting here but Ive been a follower for quite a while and your non-apologetic bile and fire always gets me pumped up for games. Cheers to 2012

About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com