I dont have an idea if what i did is correct… this is my 3rd essay in my road to mastery… i watched different youtube vidoes for strategies… can someone kindly check this out?

Some countries encourage teenagers to have part-time job and see it as a good thing, while others disagree. Give your opinion and explain both views.

A couple of nations persuade youngsters to get a part-time work and tend to believe for its positivity, while others negates the thought. In this essay ill give insights to both views and eventually stand my ground why being a young working person is not a good practice.

Doing some extra activity to earn money is very common throughout any nations, this is usually being done by college students. An example of this are people who lived in puberty, their family already struggles to have a food in their plate and education becomes a necessity to them. In effect, teenagers are force to work to cater not only to sustain their school but also to provide the things hes family needs. With this in mind, doing part-time task is beneficial to people particularly to those in need.

On the other hand, a people rejects the idea of a sideline job, cause of its negative impact to the juvenile people in terms of their study. This primarily revolves to the fact that education wants a lot of time and focus to absorb all information presented by any topic in the class. This knowledge given to the young ones treats as a pillar of what they will become in the near future. According to Eastern Samar State University Research 70% of student who
undergo work while they are studying cant focus everyday during class, which leads up to having low grades or even worst, failing it. Thus, there is a significant point to consider that teens who is studying should stay focus on the course they are pursuing.

To conclude, I believe that students should primarily focus on their studies since this is what molds them in the future, but, sometimes the world is cruel and people needed to work to cater their demand, thus, thorough support should be given from both family and the government to ensure the childs dreams.

Hi Joebet, welcome to the forum! I think your essay does a good job in addressing the prompt. You have given both sides of the argument and clearly stated your opinion. Grammar and vocabulary seem to be your weak points though. Nearly every sentence has at least one error, and many of your mistakes involve pretty basic points, such as correct prepositions and common words. I am still able to understand your ideas, but the errors do make it harder for the reader to make his/her way through your essay. Here are some specific comments and suggestions:

Joebet_Lacierda_Muti:

A couple {“a couple” is not a synonym of “some” - a couple actually means two, or maybe three or four. “Some” sort of depends on the number in the whole group - “some” out of a group of a hundred could mean 10 or 20 or even 30} of nations persuade youngsters to get a part-time work {“work” is non countable, although “job” is countable} and tend to believe for its positivity [it is a positive step], while others [negate] the thought.{“negate the thought” sounds odd} In this essay [I will] give insights to both views and eventually stand my ground [on] why being a young working person is not a good practice. {practice involves doing something, not being something, so this sounds a little off - try
“why working as a young person is not …”}

Doing some extra activity to earn money is very common throughout [many] nations[;] this is usually being done by college students. An example of this are people who [live] in [poverty;] their family already struggles to [put] food [on] their plate and education becomes a necessity to them. In effect, teenagers are [forced] to work to cater not only to sustain {it would be “to cater to sustaining”, as you cater to a noun. But this sounds odd in this context} their school but also to provide the things [their] family needs. With this in mind, doing part-time [tasks] is beneficial to people[,] particularly to those in need.

On the other hand, [certain] people [reject] the idea of a sideline job, [because] of its negative impact to the [juveniles] people in terms of their study. This primarily revolves [around] the fact that education [requires] a lot of time and focus to absorb all [the] information presented [on] any topic in the class. This knowledge given to the young ones [serves] as a pillar [to support] what they will become in the near future. According to Eastern Samar State University [research,] 70% of [students] who
[undertake] {undergo is when someone else does something to you - “undergo surgery/torture/discrimination”} work while they are studying [can not] focus [every day] during class, which leads up to having low grades or even [worse], failing [school]. Thus, there is a significant point to consider [whether] {or “consider how best teens who are studying can stay focused …”} teens who [are] studying should stay [focused] on the course they are pursuing.

To conclude, I believe that students should primarily focus on their studies since this is what molds them in the future, but,{no comma here} sometimes the world is cruel and people [need] to work to [simply survive / achieve their goals and aspirations] [cater their demand]][. Thus], thorough support should be given from both family and the government to ensure the [child’s] dreams.