Sunday, November 4, 2007

We had a pretty good weekend. I don't know what is wrong with me I seem to always be happy, I mean I think I usually am a happy person but I have really been appreciating life. It kinda scares me like maybe something terrible is going to happen to me. It just feels like all is going well in our lives. I don't find myself sweating over the little stuff, I mean I still have my bitch moments but my life feels really calm. My husband and I went to a high school playoff football game Friday night with another couple. No kids we felt like we were teens again. I felt like I was in the show Friday Night Lights, sounds kinda dumb I know I just can't explain it. I just felt so thankful for the moment. I watched these three boys running around playing they were probably around three or four years. I could not help but watch them, my thoughts were someday these three boys will be men, husbands and fathers. On the way home from the game my husband and I were talking about this new sense of appreciation that I have managed to find and all we can really think is that I have really grown since Todd's death. His death has really affected me in ways that are just unexplainable. I want everyone in my life to know how I really feel about them. I want to enjoy everything. Saturday night our friends had a Halloween party which was alot of fun. I think I drank alittle to much and when I do this I go through the Shelly stages as everyone who knows me well would call it. First stage I laugh alot everything is funny to me, then I hit the helping everyone out stage I try to find true love for all. Then I hit the love stage where I hug and tell everyone how much I love them example I was telling my sisters boyfriend what a great guy he is and how lucky we were to have him in our family, and I guess I even said a speech to my very dear friend who turned 30 a few weeks ago. As alway's my night ends with tears but this time it was not tears of sadness it was tears of being really happy. Funny what a few drinks do to some. We took the kids to see the Bee Movie which I thought was cute, my husband thought it was dumb but the kids really liked it to. During the movie Hailey was just giggling, in that moment I just felt so happy to be there with her, and all that know Hailey we do not get many of those moments especially in public. I wish I could give this feeling to everyone. This feeling of just enjoying your life in the moment even when things are crazy, enjoy it because you never know what tomorrow is going to bring. I am really going to try to keep this attitude I'm sure I will fall off the wagon many times, but I am really going to try. My son was upset the other day because one of his really good friend was being mean to him and calling him stupid. This really hurt his feelings, he was in tears telling me, now as a Mom I am instantly pissed and wanted to call the little *******. But I explained that this is how kids are, and that growing up we all had to deal with mean kids. I told him that all that really matters in life is that you are healthy and happy and having fun. It hurt like hell to see my boy hurting but this is real life and the truth is there will be more hurt feelings to come. Even as adults our feelings get hurt, someone will always have something that you want, look better, have a better relationship this is how life is, I think the difference in some of us is that we actually learn in life and figure out that those types of things are not so important. It is not about who is better, it is about finding that certain place in your life and surrounding yourself with people who share the same values as you. Making life long friends. Loving someone so much that it sometimes is going to hurt. Letting your guard down long enough to let others in and see the real you and that you are not perfect. Your real friends are the ones that see you cry and feel your pain and try to help you. After Todd's death I had alot of that in my life and I also had to supply alot of that to my Sister and the rest of my family. So this is my secret to being so happy these last few months. My hope and point to this story is that everyone who reads this will learn to live their lives to the fullest. Just be happy, try not to worry about shit that is not going to matter when your gone.