Pages

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Paralyzed

I'm guessing that many people who are depressed suffer from anxiety. And vise versa. My anxiety doesn't control my life. However, it does add to the depth of my depression.

I worry about everything.
I worry about my employer finding out about my signficant anxiety and depression and loosing my job.
I worry my kids will grow up to resent me and inherit this awful disease.
I worry my husband will have had enough of my sudden outbursts that make no sense at all and leave me.
I worry daily that my boss will fire me.
I worry about screwing up and hurting someone at work.

This worry often causes me to sit almost paralyzed. Unable to move forward. Stuck in this position of fear and worry.

I worry someone is going to break into our house at night and hurt my family. I often jumpt at every little noise, even from a sound sleep.
I worry about confrontation. I avoid it at all costs.
I worry about going to the doctor because if there is something wrong with me it'll be because I am stupid for not taking care of myself, exercising more and eating healthy...which is all of my own doing.
I worry about being completely honest wiht my therapist.
I worry about being completely honest with my pyschiatrist.

I’m worry no one will understand a word I am saying. This is what goes through my mind on a daily basis.
I am ashamed and embarrassed of all these fears, it makes me feel like a loser. I feel very safe when I am alone but depressed because I am alone. I think a lot of this could fall under social anxiety disorder and yet sometimes I'm the most functional when I'm around others. Heaven forbid, my job consists of being around people. Lots and lots of people. So much so that they sometimes touch me. Yet, I sitting in the waiting room of a full doctors office will increase my agitation/anxiety 100%. There is no where else to go in my drs office. Thankfully, I am able to walk out into the hall when I'm at my therapist/pdocs office. Regardless, these are the things that paralyze me often.