This blog is dedicated to my Maxie. Max was only 9 and a half months when he stopped breathing at daycare. We are devastated by the loss of our most beloved baby boy. Hopefully, this blog will give readers a sense of what a beautiful spirit he was and will help to keep his memory alive.

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With Ted

Thursday, August 4, 2011

It has been a little over 1 week since our baby's funeral, 2 weeks exactly since he died. Tonight I am spending the second night in a row in the hospital with my husband, my love. As if the pain of Max's death wasn't enough, poor Teddy got stung by some unknown insect yesterday on his job site and lost consciousness. He came to the Emergency Room at Cedars and waited 5 hours to call me because he didn't want to interupt my spa day. I was at the Korean Spa, hoping to have the sorrow melted, smacked, pounded or sweated out of me. It didn't work. I did find a bath of "mugworts tea" though, which among other things, promises to regulate ones menstrual cycle - and since I have become singularly obsessed with getting pregnant again - I have plans to return. So now I am here after running home yesterday and packing the hospital bag - something my mom usually does for us, but that I have learned exactly what goes in.
Ted says he feels fine but who knows because he never wants anyone to worry about him. I could go home I suppose, but there is no way I am leaving. He is my everything. I am so in love with him and know that I would be entirely empty without him by my side.
I...we...are incredibly sad. Our lives keep getting weirder and harder and more unpredictable. Mostly though, we miss our delightful and perfect little boy. Our little Maxie. He showed up a month early but none too soon and he left suddenly and without warning - breaking our hearts and leaving me aghast. No longer a mommy to my dream boy.
Just so lonely and still in disbelief.