Just
when you thought that the Deez Nuts Jokes well had run dry, Bofa D's
hits you with the latest list of soon-to-be classic jokes.
While we'd love to claim all of the credit for ourselves, we
have to admit that most (ok all) of these come from our fans.
We'll give them the credit they deserve by attributing the
joke to them. Congrats, you're famous now! Thanks to a
steady stream of submissions, we've continued to add jokes to this
page. New jokes are in RED at the bottom!

Oh, and if you like Deez Nuts jokes, make sure to visit the
earlier editions, pages 1,
2,
3,
and 4. We also have later batch: Deez Nuts Jokes 6.

The Joke

Originality
Factor

Effectiveness Quotient

Best Time To Use

You: Hey, can you do
me a favor? Friend:
Yeah, sure. You:
On your
iPhone, can you look something up for me? Friend:
It isn't porn is it? You:
No, I need to know the founder of the Southern Poverty Law Center.Friend:
Uh, it says ... Morris Dees. You:
Morris DEEZ NUTS!

This is a pretty sweet set
up, and it is the first joke to employ an iPhone. The score
is dragged down slightly by our previous inclusion of a Maura
Dees joke in a prior edition. Score: 7

This is pretty awesome because no one would expect a
deez nuts joke arising from the Southern Poverty Law Center.
The score is lowered to reflect the chance that the founder of the
Southern Poverty Law Center doesn't have a sense of humor and finds
this page and uses his law degree to sue us (please don't!). Score: 8

When you are stuck waiting in line and there's nothing
to do but play on your iPhone.

Source: I. Paschal, with credit given to Will

You: Hey man, have
you been down to the dock to see that giant war ship?Them:
What war ship?You:
Worship Deez Nuuuuuts!

War ships are not often
talked about, and when they are, they are rarely the subject of jokes.
Score: 10

This is the rare situation where the set up and the
entire punchline make sense. Score: 10

It would help if you are near a naval base or something
that has war ships. If not, at least try to have a body of
water near you. Then again, if they fall for it and you live
hundreds of miles away from any water, it is evern funnier!

Source: J. Starrett

You: Do you know who
Baron Samedi (sah-me-dee) is?Them:
Baron Samedi is a voodoo god of death. Baron Samedi is also a
James Bond Villain.You:
Sah - Me- Deeeeeez Nuuts!

This may be the first
documented instance of a Baron Samedi being mentioned on the internet.
If not, it is the first use of his name in a joke. Score: 10

Unless you know a James Bond fan or a voodoo master, it
will be hard to work this joke into conversation. More power
to you if you can. Score:
5

While practicing voodoo or watching Twilight (because
anything is a relief when you are watching Twilight)

Source: E. Bostwick

You: Do you now who
wrote Scream and Nightmare on Elm Street?Them: Wes
CravenYou:
You're Craven Deez Nuuts!

Wes Craven, how could we
have missed that? Score:
9

Everyone loves Nightmare on Elm Street. I
think they are remaking it though, and if Wes Craven didn't write that,
you might be stuck clarifying that you meant the old one, which can
slow you down.
Score: 7

When you are with a girl. Otherwise, your
male friend might surprisingly say "How did you know?"

Source: Zipsignals.com staff

You:
I find that the 21st century psyche is characterized
by grabondity. What do you think?Them:
Um, I hate to sound stupid, but what is 'grabondity'?You:
Grab On To Deeeeeez Nuts!

Why didn't we think of making up a word? It's
genius in its simplicity! Grabondity (Grah-BON-di-tee) sounds
like a real word, but it's really just a set up to spring everyone's
favorite joke. Score:8

If you can work this in, the payoff is pretty big.
After a while, people will fault you for using a fake word to
get them, but by then, it will be too late. Score: 7

Work this in when you are stuck talking to a tool at a
party who thinks they are smarter than they are.

People make fun of Vanderbilt because they suck at sports, but their mascot has not been mined for comedy enough. Score: 7

No one knows what a commodore is, but hopefully they know what Vandy's mascot is. If not, you're stuck. Score: 8 if they know, 4 if they don't

March Madness or the World Cup (because no one knows anything about soccer, so you'll need something to talk about.)

Source: J Starrett

You: Do you remember the name of the band Jack Black was in?Them (feeling smart): Tenacious D!You: Tenacious Deeez Nuuuts!

I'm not sure Jack Black wasn't trying to make a deez nuts joke with his band name. Otherwise it makes no sense. Score: 5

This one is good because you trick them into thinking they
are smart at trivia, when really they are falling for a joke. Oh,
and nothing beats the image of tenacious nuts. Score: 7

When watching a Jack Black movie, but not Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny (because that would give it away).

Source: D. Snutz

You: What do you think Christina Hendrick's bra size is?
Them: Who?You: She's in Mad MenThem: Is that still on?You: I don't know, I don't even have cable. That's not the point. Just guess.Them: Double D?You: Double Deeez Nuts!

It is fun to say double deez nuts, but it's almost too easy. Score: 3

If you pick appropriately, this one is very effective.
And they won't mind being played for a joke because they got to
think of a girl with large breasts. Score: 8

If you are with one of the 4 people that watches Mad Men, you are golden.

Source: D. Snutz

You: Who is the guy who was in Capote and Pirate Radio ... something Seymour Hoffman?Them: Phillip?You: Philip Deez Nuts!

I can't put my finger on it right now, but I think there was
a Phil Deez Nuts joke earlier ... but not a Phillip deez nuts joke, so
the score is a passing one. Score: 5

You: Hey man, hand me my cup (pointing to a table with no cup on it).Them: What cup?You: Cup Deez Nuuuuuuts! (replacing the usual thrusting motion with a cupping gesture)

This joke gets a high originality score based on the ability to do a different hand gesture than usual. Score: 8

Asking for a cup is pretty innocent, so they'll never see it
coming. The one weakness is if your pal is a jerk who just says
"No." Score: 9

This might work even better in a locker-room, since the
target would also be hit with the image of your cup as the thing you
wear to protect your nads during the game.

Source: J. Starrett

You: Yo, M.T. is looking for you?Them: Who the hell is M.T.?You: Emp-ty Deeez Nuuuts!

This is a good joke, but it does rely on the already used
technique of telling them that someone is looking for them/asking if
they know someone. Score: 5

The best part of this joke is the fact that it has a pretty gross
visualization if you think about it. So, they've been hit with a deez
nuts joke and they have to think about emptying your nuts at the same
time. Double-whammy. Score: 10

Given the chance that this joke could be misinterpreted as a
request for sexual favors, it should best be used on someone of the
opposite sex. Bonus points if that person has a sense of humor.

Source: J. Starrett

You start singing the song from the 90's called "Groove is in the
Heart." It is a pretty annoying song, so eventually your friend
will ask you to stop singing it. You agree to stop if he or she
can name the band that sang it. When they say "Deee-lite" you get
to say "Delight Deez Nuts!"

Yet another joke that ends in an invitation to do something to your nuts. Score: 5

If they have never heard of that song, they won't be annoyed
by the song and therefore they won't be set up for the punchline.
But that's ok, because eventually the song will get on their
nerves, and that's funny too. This is also another joke that starts
with them feeling smart because they know trivia and ends with them
being hit with a deez nuts joke. Score: 7

In a crowded public place. This will make your friend more eager to ask you to stop singing.