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Mirror ImageTwo drunks were finally leaving a New Year's Eve party when one of them spotted a mirror by the door. After he stood there for too long he finally said, "Hey, I think I know this guy from somewhere!" The second drunk pushed him out of the way so he could see what the first drunk was looking at. Shaking his head he said: "You idiot, that's me."

ShakesA trembling drunk pleaded with his doctor, "You gotta help me, doc. I haven't been drinking much and I've got these awful shakes." The doctor asked him, "Let me get this straight. You definitely have alcoholic tremors, yet you say you haven't been drinking too much?" The drunk replied: "I try to, but I end end up spilling most of it."

GiraffeA drunk and his giraffe walked into a bar. After drinking too much, the giraffe passed out on the floor. The drunk started to stagger out leaving his unconscious drinking buddy behind, when the bartender stopped him, "Look here, you must be really drunk if you think you can just leave that lyin' here." The drunk corrected him: "Its not a lion, its a giraffe."

Friday, December 26, 2003

"Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is easy, that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard, that leads to life, and those who find it are few."
- Jesus

"I told my girlfriend how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking. I asked her why she would say that and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'"
- Dave George

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

"Somehow, not only for Christmas
but all the long year through,
The joy that you give to others
Is the joy that comes back to you.
And the more you spend in blessing
The poor and lonely and sad,
The more of your heart's possessing
Returns to make you glad."
- John Greenleaf Whittier

"It is better to think of church in the ale house, than to think of the ale house in church."
- Martin Luther

Christmas PresentA drunk was telling his wife the big plans he had for Christmas this year. In the middle of his spiel the wife interrupted him, "You can say what you want, but I know that you'll (yule?) spend Christmas like a present." The drunk was baffled, "I don't get it. What do you mean, like a present?" The wife explained: "As always, come Christmas Eve you'll tie one-on , pass out, and spend the night under the tree."

Monday, December 22, 2003

Drunk JokeA customer said to the bartender, "Listen my good man, I heard a funny drunk joke today." Another customer sitting at the bar overheard him and objected, "You got a problem with that? I'm drunk!" The first man apologized: "I'm sorry, I'll talk slow."

Ambulance driverA Florida ambulance driver was tired after a long shift on a very hot day. Driving the ambulance to the station he noticed a man running after the ambulance waving a dollar bill. He instantly recognized the man as an obnoxious delusional drunk he had to pick up off of the street several times before. He thought to himself, "Not this time, buddy!" He sped up, rounded the corner and noticed the drunk was still running after him and still waving a stupid dollar bill. He wondered, "What's with this guy?" He sped up even more but was stopped by a red light. Looking in the rear-view mirror he saw the drunk finally fall over from exhaustion. As the ambulance driver started pulling away he saw the drunk still waving his dollar bill and yelling: "Fine then! I'll get an ice cream cone somewhere else."

InsultingA drunk walks into a bar and begins insulting all of the customers. When the bartender interjects and orders him to get out, the drunk breaks down in tears. Sobbing, he explains, "I'm sorry. I think its a self esteem problem or something. To make it worse, after I insult people I go home and feel awful for days. Please forgive me." The bartender pities the poor sap and refers him to a good psychiatrist. Weeks later the same drunk walks into the same bar. The bartender stops him, "You can stay, but only if you got help for your problem. Did seeing that shrink help?" The drunk assures him he's been cured, then sits down and starts insulting everyone. The bartender is furious, "What's going on? You said you got help for that problem!" The drunk replies: "I'm cured just like I said. Now I can insult people and it doesn't bother me at all."

Crafty drunkA drunk walked into a bar and asked the bartender how many pints were in a quart. The bartender told him, "Exactly two pints." The drunk thanked him, then went and sat down at a corner table far from the bar. When the waitress came over to take his order, the drunk ordered two pints and said the bartender was buying. Knowing that the bartender was a cheap guy, she didn't believe him. The drunk insisted he could prove it. He shouted across the bar to the bartender, "Excuse me again my good man, but this barmaid doesn't believe me. How many did you say?" The bartender shouted back to the waitress: "It's true Luv, two pints."

Drunk coupleA bartender noticed that a drunk and the lady with him were getting just a bit too drunk. But since they tipped well he just kept serving them. Suddenly, the lady slid right off of her barstool and on to the floor. She just lay there with her coat over her head. Knowing he should have cut them off sooner, the bartender rushed over and said, "Hey buddy, your wife just hit the floor. Is she gonna be alright?" The drunk replied: "You don't get it, do you? She's not my wife. My wife is the one who just walked in the door."

Snow stormA drunk was trying to drive home from the bar during a big snow storm. Unable to see the road well, he got lost. He remembered his wife telling him that if he ever got lost in a snow storm, to wait for a plow to come along and then follow it out. Sure enough, a snow plow came along and he followed it for a good half hour before it came to a sudden stop. A man hopped out of the plow, tapped on the drunk's window and waited for him to roll it down before he said: "Hey buddy, I don't know why you're following me. But I'm done with this Wal-Mart, so if you want to, you can watch me do the Safeway parking lot next."

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

A drunk and his soapAfter a drunk's wife kicked him out of the house, again, he decided to get a room at the local YMCA until she cooled down. The next morning, while using the shared showers, he reached over for his soap only to discover it was gone. As a man walked up to use the shower next to him he said, "You better watch your stuff in this place, someone just stole my soap! I mean, what kind of a creep would steal a guy's soap?" The other man replied: "A dirty creep."

Burger and FriesA drunk is staggering home from the bar when he realizes he hasn't eaten for days. He goes into the first place he sees. Walking up to the counter and speaking too loud he says, "GIVE ME A BURGER AND SOME FRIES!" The lady behind the counter shakes her head and responds, "Shhh, keep it down. You must be drunk, this is a library!" The drunk leans forward and quietly whispers: "Oh, sorry. Give me a burger and some fries."

A drunk in a hurryA drunk runs into a bar in a mad rush. Without even sitting down or taking off his coat he says, "Quick, give me a beer before it starts!" The bartender shrugs and pours the man a beer. The drunk downs the beer and says, "Hurry, another one before it starts!" The drunk chugs the second beer and says the same thing, "Quick, it will start soon!" As the bartender is pouring yet another beer for the panicked man he says, "Alright already, just don't forget to pay for these before you leave." The drunk replies: "Now it starts."

Thursday, December 04, 2003

"I could not, at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant to be lived. Curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

"Be sober and temperate, and you will be healthy."
- Benjamin Franklin

Doctor's nightcapA doctor just got off work at the local emergency ward. He felt too tightly wound to just go home and sleep, so he thought stopping at the local pub for a nightcap might help. Not being much of a drinker, he ordered something he saw advertised in a magazine, "Give me a daiquiri with just a hint of chicory in it." Since it was almost closing time, the bartender was too tired to give him a dirty look. Mixing the daiquiri, he realized they were out of chicory. The bartender quickly thumbed through his cocktail list for the closest substitute he could find. Thinking he found the answer, the bartender offered, "Sorry, we're out of chicory, but instead would you like a: Hickory Daiquiri, Doc?"

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Doctor Tough LoveA doctor was getting frustrated treating the same drunk over and over when the man wouldn't quit drinking. He decided to use some tough love and hopefully scare the man into facing his alcoholism. So at his next visit the doctor told him, "I've got some seriously bad news for you. There's nothing more I can do if you refuse to quit drinking. Its killing you. I'm sorry, but you only have about ten left." The drunk was shaken up, "What does that mean? Ten what? Ten months, ten weeks, ten days?" The doctor quietly said, "Actually, its nine." The drunk was in a panic, "Now cut that out and tell me what you mean! Nine hours, nine minutes?" The doctor replied: "Eight."

Bad weekWhen a bartender noticed that one regular customer was drinking more than usual, he asked, "Hey, you're really slamming them back. Are you alright?" The drunk told him how the previous week had been really tough. First, his girlfriend broke up with him and left him alone; he also lost his job and was now unemployed; then he received an eviction notice from his landlord. The bartender offered, "Well, look at the bright side. That was last week and now its all in the past." The drunk replied: "That's what I'm depressed about. All that drama, and so far this week, nothing."

Monday, December 01, 2003

Grateful DrunkA very wealthy drunk was grateful to his doctor. His medical care had once again pulled the drunk out of critically poor health due to drinking. Feeling better than he had in years, he pronounced, "Doc, I can never really repay you, but I included some nice property for you in my will." The doctor replied: "Only if you insist, because you certainly don't have to do that. And by the way, give me back that pescription I just wrote. I'd like to make a small change."

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lit the flame within us."
- Albert Schweitzer

"Let us rise up and be thankful. For if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die. So, let us all be thankful."
Buddha

Friday, November 28, 2003

"For many, negative thinking is a habit, which over time, becomes an addiction...A lot of people suffer from this disease because negative thinking is addictive to each of the Big Three--the mind, the body, and the emotions. If one doesn't get you, the others are waiting in the wings."- Peter McWilliams

"For everything you have missed you have gained something else."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A different approachA woman was at her wit's end with her husband's drinking. When he came home late and drunk as usual one night, she decided to try something she read in a magazine. Instead of yelling and demanding to know where he had been, she smiled and asked him how his day was. Instead of throwing things in his general direction, she poured him his favorite drink and told him to relax. When she could see he was nodding off, instead of telling him he could sleep on the couch, she started giving him a nice massage. The woman found herself starting to have hope that this new approach might change her alcoholic husband. Just then, before the drunk passed out she heard him mutter, almost incoherently, "We probably shouldn't but lets just do it. Either way, my wife will be mad at me."

Thursday, November 27, 2003

"...It has seemed to me fit and proper that God should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged, as with one heart and one voice, by the whole American people. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November as a day of Thanksgiving and praise to our beneficent Father Who dwelleth in the heavens.
--Abraham Lincoln: Thanksgiving Proclamation (1863)

"When insects take over the world we hope they will remember, with gratitude, how we took them along on all our picnics."
- Bill Vaughan

Drunk's vow of silenceA drunk wanted to stop drinking so he thought joining a monastery would help. He chose one where all the brothers took a vow of silence: they could only speak once a year, and even then, only to the head monk. After a year went by the dry drunk was called into the office. The head monk asked, "It's been a year, is there anything you would like to say?" The dry monk said, "My bed's too hard." Another year went by and this time when he had the chance to speak the monk said, "The food's always cold." The head monk glared back at him and replied: "You know, ever since you got here, all you do is complain."

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

"There are things that are known, and things that are unknown. In between there are doors."
- William Blake

"He was an alcoholic. Jim Morrison met the definition of drinking to excess every day. He got drunk on one drink and he just kept on drinking...Jim was not a hard-drug guy. His drug of choice was alcohol."
- Frank Lisciandro

EnlistedA drunk came to after a long bender and found that he had enlisted in the army. At the mess hall, he took one look at the slop on his tray and asked the private next to him, "This looks just awful, don't we get a choice?" The private replied: "Sure you do--take it or leave it."

Patience, booze and bootsA drunk was leaving a party and kept falling over as he tried putting on his winter boots. After witnessing the fiasco, the host's wife came over and started helping him. After much struggling she managed to get the boots on the drunk, when he said, "You know, these aren't my boots." Shaking her head, she reversed the process to get the boots off of him, when he protested, "Why did you take them off? They're my brother's boots and he said I could wear them." Using all the patience she could muster, she put the boots back on the drunk, when he complained: "Hey, what are you doing? I need my mittens and they're stuffed in the toes of the boots."

Monday, November 24, 2003

"A man who examines the saddle and bridle and not the animal itself when he is out to buy a horse is a fool. Similarly, only an absolute fool values a man according to his clothes or his position, which after all is only something we wear like clothing."
- Seneca

Drunk's neighborA drunk was in court waiting his turn to face the judge for driving under the influence. Much to his surprise, his neighbor was there being questioned by the judge in a different case. The judge said, "It says here you were arguing with your wife and you threatened her with a hammer. Is this true?" When the neighbor admitted the accusation, the drunk leaped up and shouted, "You liar!" The judge pounded his gavel and asked the drunk what he was shouting about. The drunk replied: "I'm sorry your honor, but that man has been my neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked if I could borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

HumpA drunk had a huge disfiguring hump on his back. Since it didn't interfere with his drinking, he never did anything about it. Finally, his buddies talked him into going to see a doctor. But at first, the drunk refused to remove his shirt. He told the doctor he seldom went shirtless because he was too embarrassed. It took much coaxing and reassuring, but the drunk finally took his shirt off. As he was examining his back, the doctor asked, "When did you start drinking so heavily?" The drunk told him, "In my college days." The doctor inquired further, "And you carried a lot of books around?" The man confirmed it, "Sure, just like all the other kids did." The doctor replied: "That's what I thought. Did you ever wonder where you left your backpack?"

Drunk takes a fallA drunk got a new job working at a construction site. On his first day, hungover from the night before, he fell two stories and landed flat on his back. As he was shaking it off, seemingly without much injury, the foreman rushed over, "Goodness gracious man, are you alright? Quick, someone get this man a drink of water." The drunk replied: "Is that all? How far does a guy need to fall to get a beer?"

Chicken crossed the roadA chicken crossed the road, went into a bar, and started drinking heavily. The bartender became concerned and asked, "Hey, are you alright?" The chicken replied: "Thanks for your concern. You're the first person who didn't ask me why I crossed the road."

His day in courtA drunk was on trial for selling moonshine. On his day in court he showed up red-eyed and unshaven, looking like he had been on a bender for a week. During the closing arguments his lawyer faced the jury and pointed to the scraggly drunk: "Let's be serious people. Do you really believe that if my client had any whisky, that he would sell it?"

Monday, November 17, 2003

Sneaking inThe town drunk tried sneaking into a football game. A gatekeeper stopped him and asked to see his ticket. But the drunk didn't give up, "You don't understand. I'm with three good friends and they have my ticket." The gatekeeper replied with a laugh, "Aw c'mon, who ever heard of a drunk with three good friends?"

Captions on Bar Signs1. "Do not drop cigarette ends on the floor, as they burn the hands and knees of our customers as they leave."
2. "Notice - Public Bar. Our public bar is presently not open because it is closed. The Manager."
(Post from Billy S)

Lie detectorTwo drunks were both reading the daily newspaper at their usual bar. One drunk asked the other, "Did you read this story about a new lie detector the cops have? It says here it can detect lies 100% of the time." The other drunk replied: "What do you mean, have I read about it? I married one."

Bar tabA drunk sat down on his usual barstool and ordered his usual drink. The bartender was about to start pouring when he noticed the drunk's tab was grossly in arrears, "Sorry, no more for you until you pay this tab you've been running." The drunk complained: "You've got to be kidding, no one could wait that long."

Hard-of-hearingThree older drunks, all hard-of-hearing, are staggering down the street. The first drunk says, "It sure is windy." The second drunk replies, "No, it's Thursday." The third drunk adds: "Me too, let's go for a drink."

What's Up, DocA drunk's wife talks him into going to see a doctor about his drinking. After being poked, prodded and answering too many questions, the drunk says, "So tell me what's up, Doc." The doctor replies: "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is, your boozing has made you a very sick man. The good news is you don't have to worry, because you'll probably go get drunk and forget about it."

Friday, November 07, 2003

SignalsA man was the designated driver for a group of his drunk friends. He pulled over to drop the last one off at home when he asked him, "Listen, I think my signal lights might not be working, so can you just watch them for a minute while I do a test?" The drunk agreed then got out and staggered to the back of the car. As the driver was flashing the signal lights left and then right, he could hear the drunk shouting: "They work, they don't work, they work, they don't work..."

GossipThe local gossip told everyone that the town drunk was getting worse, "I saw his truck parked outside the tavern all afternoon. Imagine that!" When the drunk caught wind of the story, he decided to get even. So after dark, he parked his truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

He wants to measure upA construction worker is drunk at work, again. A co-worker sees him holding a long two-by-four straight up with one hand, while unsuccessfully trying to measure it. The man can't watch the fiasco any more. He takes the measuring tape out of the drunk's hand, lays the two-by-four down on the ground, and then measures it. He turns to the drunk and says, "See, that wasn't so hard." The drunk isn't impressed: "That doesn't help at all. I don't need to know how long it is, I need to know how tall it is."

How old are you?A drunk is reading a magazine when he turns to his drinking buddy and says, "It says here that heavy drinking can cut the length of your life in half. How old are you?" His buddy tells him he's 30 years old. The first drunk responds: "Well, keep up the good work. If you didn't drink you'd be 60 by now."

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

"God brings men into deep waters not to drown them, but to cleanse them."
- John H Aughey

"I've learned one thing. That when a man is at rock bottom, when there's no place else he can go, except up...that the only thing that's really important in this world to him is that somebody somewhere cares."
- Johnny Cash

Can't blame him for tryingReady to enjoy happy hour, a drunk settled down on his barstool and admired the sign, "Happy Hour: Two beers for $3." "Excuse me barkeep," the drunk said, "If two beers are $3 then how much for just one?" The bartender replied, "If you have only one, its $2." The drunk replied, "Well then, forget that beer and just give me the other one."

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

"I'm a bad drinker. I got loaded one night the next day they picked me up. I was in front of a judge. He said, 'You're here for drinking.' I said, 'OK, Your Honor, let's get started.'"
- Rodney Dangerfield

You all have to leaveA piece of paper, a ruler, and a pencil walk into a bar together and sit down. The bouncer walks over and says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind here! You all have to leave." The piece of paper pipes up and replies: "Sorry, we can't do that. We're stationery."

Even though he was not a praying manA drunk was stumbling home when he suddenly felt the unimagineable--something warm trickling down his leg. Even though he was not a praying man, the humiliation made him plead: "Please God, let it be blood."

The bartender is a horseA drunk walks into a bar and notices that the bartender is a horse. What's more, the horse is boasting to all the patrons that he's the new owner. So he's standing there with a look of disbelief, when the horse asks him, "What are you lookin' at? Didn't you ever see a horse tend bar before?" The drunk replies: "That's not it. I just thought that the monkey would never sell this place."

A man of all seasonsA drunk is at his doctor's office for a check-up. The doctor voices his concern, "Your drinking might be affecting your mental faculties. Do you even know what season of the year it is right now?" The drunk tells him its summer. "That is exactly what I'm talking about," the doctor says, shaking his head. So he points toward the window and adds, "Look at all the leaves turning color, and the grass is going brown. Now what kind of summer is that?" The drunk replies: "Doc, I can answer that question and you'll be sure I'm not losing my mind. Its a lousy summer."

A Good ReasonA drunk stumbles home at dawn after a long night of drinking. His wife, standing there with her arms crossed, confronts him, "You'd better have a good reason for getting in at six in the morning!" The drunk replies: "Sure, it's called breakfast."

A drunk was in court for being intoxicated in public. The judge decided to give him a long lecture to go with the fine. At the end of it the judge added, "Young man, don't let me see your face again." The drunk replied: "I can't do that. Don't you recognize me? I'm the bartender at the pub you drink at every night."

A drunk finally makes it home at four in the morning. As he stumbles through the front door, his wife confronts him, "You better not give me another one of your lame reasons for getting home this late!" The drunk replies: "You're right, so be a dear and help me think up a good excuse."

One drunk sees another drunk with a bottle, cleverly disguised, in a brown paper bag. He asks him, "Hey buddy, how about sharing the hooch?" The second drunk replies, "It's not hooch, it's wine." So the first drunk corrects himself, "Then how about sharing that wine?" The second says, "It isn't just wine, it's Cherry Jack." The first drunk is getting irritated, "Look, are you going to share your Cherry Jack with me or not?" There's a long hard pause and then he gets his answer: "Well, maybe I will if you ever make up your mind."

It's late at night and a drunk is woken by his wife who says, "Honey, I'm cold." Even though he doesn't want to get up, the drunk still feels guilty about his last binge and so he gets up and gets her a blanket. A few minutes later, he hears, "Honey, now I'm too warm." Again the drunk's remorse makes him get up, and he opens the window. A few minutes later he hears, "Honey, now I want a real man." Well, that does it for the drunk. Guilt or not, he decides to make his stand and says: "Aw c'mon, now you're just being unreasonable. It's the middle of the night. Where am I going to find you a real man?"

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

"There is no such thing as a 'self-made' man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success."
- George Adams

"As you ramble on through life, brother, whatever be your goal: keep you eyes upon the donut, and not upon the hole!"
- Murray Banks

A bartender is shutting down for the night and he spots a drunk passed out on the floor in a corner. "Hey there buddy", he says, "You don't look that great. If you want to sit down while I call a cab for you, I'll get you a chair." The drunk spawled out on the floor, looks up at the bartender standing over him and says: "No, I'm OK standing here."

After a long bender, two drunks are sitting at a bus stop. Since they haven't had enough, they decide to run across the street to get some off-sales before the bar closes. As they dash into the street without looking, a car swerves to avoid hitting them and crashes into the bus stop they were just sitting at. One drunk looks at the other and says: "Talk about lucky. We left that bus stop just in the nick of time."

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
- Melody Beattie

"Do you realize what this means? The fact of being alive... I still find it staggering that I am here at all."
- Christopher Leach

"It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it."
- WC Fields

A New Yorker was fed up with his Wall Street life, so he liquidated his portfolio, sold all of his belongings and moved to Alaska. After five months alone in an isolated cabin, he heard a knock at the door. He wasn't surprised to see a man who looked much like he did by that time: kind of scruffy with a bushy beard. "I live on the other side of this hill," the stranger told him, "I'm having a Thanksgiving Day party at my place tonight and you're invited." The man was delighted, "Sounds great! I've enjoyed being alone here, but I feel ready for some socializing again." The stranger turned to go, then stopped and added, "By the way, I should mention that these things can get out of hand. There's always some heavy drinking and fighting." The man smiled to himself and replied, "Don't worry about me. I lived in New York and have been to some pretty wild parties. By the way, I'm not familiar with the social scene around here. Does it matter what I wear?" The stranger gave him a weird look and said: "Don't be ridiculous, it will only be the two of us."

The drunkard he staggers around
The alleys of cities and towns
His sorrows he tries to drown
Solution to his problems
Can never be found
Booze is what he choose
Like a gipsy he's tipsy
He drinks too much whiskey
Like a gipsy he's tipsy
He drinks too much
A Mr Winehead stagger
Booze is what he choose
Watch him how he topples over
Man no sober
In and out of discotheques
In and out of wine bars
Burnt out shell looks a wreck
Got to help him somehow
Greets bartenders drink firewater
Dance bossanova he topples over
With a bottle in his hand
Hangover
Man no sober
From dust till dawn
He staggers around
From dust till dawn
He drinks it all day long
Watch him how he topples over
Man no sober

(Lyrics from reggae song by Steel Pulse
on their 1982 "True Democracy" album/CD)

Two drunks are stumbling through town when they come across one of their drinking buddies, passed out on the sidewalk. As they're trying to revive him the first drunk says, "I'm getting worried about him. I don't think he's been eating at all." The second drunk agrees: "That could be his problem. I mean, you haven't been eating much and you're too thin. And I haven't been eating much, and I'm too thin. But I swear, he's thinner than both of us put together."

A bartender has had a rough night and is ready to go home. After finally throwing the last drunk out and locking up, he hears someone knocking. He opens the door and sees a snail who says, "Thanks, I can't reach the door handle." The bartender stops him before he says another word, "Sorry, we're closed." The snail pipes up, "Hey, it took me forever to get here and I just want a beer!" The bartender has had enough. He tells the snail to get lost and kicks him across the street. One whole year later the same bartender is locking up the same bar. He opens the door and there's that same snail who says: "What did you do that for? I just want a beer."

Two drinking buddies are in the bar, doing what they do, when one asks the other, "So tell me, how come you never married?" When the single drunk says that he's waiting for the right woman, the married drunk asks him what his idea of the right woman is. For a minute, the single one looks as thoughtful as a drunk can look, then says, "Well...she should be good looking with a great personality, have a good job, and own her own house." Trying to be about as realistic as a drunk can be, the married one scoffs, "Aw c'mon, a woman like that would have to be crazy to marry a guy like you!" The single drunk replies: "Maybe, but I'm not that picky so who cares if she's crazy?"

A drunk is at a bar drinking. He works his way up to drinking doubles and eventually asks for a triple. The bartender is concerned so he asks him, "Hey buddy, something wrong?" So the drunk tells his story: "My wife and I got into a bad fight, and when we made up she promised she wouldn't nag me about my drinking for thirty days!" The bartender is confused and tells him so, "I don't get it, isn't that good news that she won't nag you for thirty days?" The drunk replies, "Sure it is, but today is the last day."

A drunk is loaded and decides to go ice fishing. He finds a nice spot on the ice, has a swig from his "thermos" and starts cutting a hole. Just then he hears a loud booming voice, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH THERE!" He looks around, sees nothing, takes another swig and keeps cutting when he hears it again, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH THERE!" At a loss to explain what's happening he asks, "God, is that you?" The voice replies: "No, I'm the manager of this hockey arena."

Friday, October 03, 2003

"Appreciation of life itself, becoming suddenly aware of the miracle of being alive, on this planet, can turn what we call ordinary life into a miracle. We come awake to such a realization when we recognize our connection to a spiritual dimension."
- Dan Wakefield

"When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves."
- Confucius

"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide."
- Mahatma Gandhi

Thursday, October 02, 2003

"I made a commitment to completely cut out drinking and anything that might hamper me from getting my mind and body together. And the floodgates of goodness have opened upon me--spiritually and financially."
- Denzel Washington

"Never stay up on the barren heights of cleverness, but come down into the green valleys of silliness."
- Ludwig Wittgenstein

"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss."
- Lazarus Long

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

"I believe, if we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class. There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant and warm-blooded to fall into this vice."- Abraham Lincoln

"Thanks be to God. Since my leaving the drinking of wine, I do find myself much better, and do mind my business better, and do spend less money, and less time lost in idle company."- Samuel Pepys

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."- Ernest Hemingway

Monday, September 29, 2003

"Patience serves as a protection against wrongs as clothes do against cold. For if you put on more clothes as the cold increases, it will have no power to hurt you. So in like manner you must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will be powerless to vex your mind."
- Leonardo Da Vinci

"A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on."
- Joe E Lewis

"I like whiskey. I always did, and that is why I never drink it."
- Robert E Lee

Friday, September 26, 2003

"Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, "This is the real me," and when you have found that attitude, follow it."
- William James

"Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer."
- Henry Lawson

"I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver."
- Phil Harris

A drunk from Victoria was on a binge in Vancouver and needed to catch the ferry to get home. He didn't like the idea of waiting for the next one so he made a run for it, jumped about six feet, grabbed on and pulled himself onboard. With his shirt torn and bruises on his face from the leap, he looked at a man watching and said, "Well I sure made that one, didn't I?" The man replied: "You sure did, but it would have been easier to wait until it docks in one minute."

Thursday, September 25, 2003

"I have found that the greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It is the ultimate source of success in life."
- The Dalai Lama

"There are some sluggish men who are improved by drinking; as there are fruits that are not good until they are rotten."
- Samuel Johnson

"Even though a number of people have tried, no one has ever found a way to drink for a living."
- Jean Kerr

A front desk clerk at a hotel is working the night shift when the house phone rings at 3 AM. "What time does the bar open?" a drunk on the line asks him. "Not until noon, good night," the clerk says. An hour later same thing, "I've already told you, the bar doesn't open until noon," and the clerk hangs up. Another hour later the drunk phones again with the same question. Seeing no end to this, the clerk offers to break the after-hours rule and have some liquor sent up to the man's room. The drunk replies: "That sounds great, but you don't understand. I'm not looking to get into the bar, I'm trying to get out."

A gambler and a drunk are in a bar. The drunk says, "Lets make a bet! If one of us can drink 10 pints of beer without stopping, the other guy pays the tab and owes the winner $100."
The gambler goes first and only gets through 5 pints in a row before he runs to the men's room to get sick.
Then it's the drunk's turn. First, he excuses himself, comes back 20 minutes later and chugs 10 pints one after the other.
As the gambler is paying the tab and giving the drunk his $100 he asks, "By the way, where did you go for 20 minutes?" The drunk says: "I went to the pub next door to see if I could actually do it."

A drunk wakes up after a binge and finds his dog next to him instead of his wife. "Oh no," he thinks to himself, "I must have been really drunk...but at least this explains all the screaming when I thought I was putting the dog out for the night."

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That will be $5. And by the way, we don't get many horses in here." The horse glares back at him and says: "At $5 a beer, I'm not surprised."

A woman is willing to try anything to get her husband off of the sauce. One evening after dinner she brings out two glasses, one full of water and one full of whisky. After dropping a worm in each of them she points out that the worm in water is swimming around while the one in whisky dies instantly. "This is great news!" the man says, "As long as I keep boozing I won't get worms."

Thursday, September 18, 2003

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse…you must first BE who you really are, then DO what you need to do, in order to HAVE what you want."
- Margaret Young

"When someone tells you that you can’t go any farther, just tell them to look behind you and see how far you’ve come."
- Lorna Pitre

"You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself."
- Galileo Galilei

Two drunks sit down at the bar and get down to their business. The bartender brings them two of their usual and they knock them back. Without a word being spoken, the bartender brings them two more, then two more. But before they have the next drinks, one drunk is feeling good and so he says, "Cheers, my good man!" This annoys the other drunk who snaps back: "Did you come here to drink or talk?"

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

"To make the right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of, because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions."
- Deepak Chopra

"It is not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left."
- Hubert Humphrey

"We realize that what we are accomplishing is a drop in the ocean. But if this drop were not in the ocean, it would be missed."
- Mother Theresa

A drunk in a small boat loses his way and can't find the shore. He spots a strange bottle floating in the water. When he rubs it, out pops a genie that says, "Since you're a drunk, you only get only one wish." Feeling ripped off, but still wanting to make the best of things, the drunk orders the genie, "Make me more beer than I can drink in my lifetime!" Poof! The whole ocean turns into beer. Seeing that the drunk seems unhappy, the genie asks, "What? You don't like it?" The drunk looks around and explains: "Sure, but now I'll have to pee in the boat."

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

"My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness."
- The Dalai Lama

"It's like gambling somehow. You go out for a night of drinking and you don't know where your going to end up the next day. It could work out good or it could be disastrous. It's like the throw of the dice."
- Jim Morrison

"Drink provokes the desire but takes away the performance."
- William Shakespeare

"Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian."
- Herman Melville

A doctor spoke frankly with his alcoholic patient, "I can't seem to find an effective treatment for your condition. It must be because of the drinking." The drunk quickly replied, "No problem Doc, I'll come back when you've sobered up."

Did you hear about the drunk that got into serious trouble with his wife? She was in the bar looking for him and before he recognized who she was, he made a lewd comment and asked for her phone number."

Two drunks are crawling along the railroad tracks when one of them asks the other, "Did you ever see such a long staircase?" The other drunk replies, "I don't mind all these stairs, but the low railings are a pain."

Thursday, September 11, 2003

How many of us have heard that question "Where was GOD when the World Trade Center was attacked?"

Well, I know where GOD was the morning of September 11, 2001, and He was very busy!

He was trying to discourage people from taking those fatal flights. Those four flights together held over 1000 passengers and there were only 266 aboard.

He was on 4 commercial flights giving terrified passengers the ability to stay calm. Not one of the family members who were called by a loved one on one of the hijacked planes said that passengers were screaming in the background...

He was busy trying to create obstacles for employees at the World Trade Center. After all, only around 20,000 were at the towers when the first jet hit. Since the buildings held over 50,000 workers, this was a Miracle in itself. How many of the people who were employed at the World Trade Center told the media that they were late for work or they had traffic delays?

He was holding up two 110-story buildings so that 2/3 of the workers could get out...And when they did fall, they fell inward. GOD didn't allow them to topple over, as many more lives would have been lost.

And when the buildings went down, GOD picked up almost 6,000 of his children and carried them home with him. Reassuring his frightened children that the worst was over and the best was yet to come.

He sat down and cried that 19 of his children could have so much hate in their hearts...

He sent his best trained children to courageously rescue and recover victims. He brought out their compassion and has given them the strength to tirelessly carry on. He sent volunteers to join in the selfless effort.

He still isn't finished though. He holds the loved ones that were left behind in his arms and He comforts them daily...

So when anyone asks, "Where was GOD on September 11," you can say "everywhere"...

A drunk sits down at the bar and orders six drinks. After drinking them, he orders five, then only four, and so on. The bartender finally asks him, "What's up with the way you order drinks?" "I think it's weird, too," the drunk replies, "But I promised my wife I'd try to cut back on my drinking."

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
- by Mother Teresa

A drunk walks into a bar and proudly announces, "A round for everyone, it's on me!" A big cheer is heard and everyone has a drink. The drunk looks at the bartender and adds, "Get one for yourself too, my good man." The bartender has a shot of whisky, thanks the drunk, and tells him the total bill comes to $52.50. The truth comes out as the drunk admits he has no money. So the bartender roughs him up and tosses him out. The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want to buy a round for everyone as well as one for myself." Shaking his head, the drunk replies: "None for you, buddy! You get too violent when you drink."

A drunk gets on the bus and sits down next to an elderly lady. Disgusted, she says to him,"Young man I've got news for you, you're going straight to hell." "I don't want to go to hell" the drunk says, "I must have got on the wrong bus."

Two drunks were at the bar when one of them passed out, fell off his stool, and lay on the floor unconscious. "I've got to hand it to my buddy," the other drunk said to the bartender, "He always knows when to quit."

A drunk is having his daily swill when he sees a strange lamp at the end of the bar. He reaches over, rubs it, and out pops a genie. "You have three wishes," the genie says in a booming voice. The drunk gets excited: "I want a beer mug that is always full!" Zap, there's a beer in his hand and before he can finish guzzling it, it's full again. "You have two more wishes, think carefully," the genie warns him.
The drunk doesn't hestate and quickly says, "Give me two more of these."

A drunk is stumbling home from the bar in the middle of the night, slams into a mailbox and falls down. On his knees, he feels one side of the mail box, crawls to the next side, feels it, and so on. After crawling around feeling the mailbox from all four sides, he yells out: "Help! I can't get out, I'm trapped in here."

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these."
- George Washington Carver

A man sits down at a bar, puts an empty jar in front him, and orders a martini. He takes the olive out of the glass, gulps down the martini and orders another. He goes on to do the same thing over and over for about an hour until he pays the bartender, puts the jar in his pocket and goes to leave. The curiosity is killing the bartender, so he asks the customer, "It may be none of my business, but what was that all about?"
"Oh nothing," the man replies, "My wife sent me out for a jar of olives."

Monday, September 01, 2003

The mystery of slips is not so deep as it may appear. While it does seem odd that an alcoholic, who has restored himself to a dignified place among his fellowmen and continues dry for years, should suddenly throw all his happiness overboard and find himself again in mortal peril of drowning in liquor, often the reason is simple.

People are inclined to say, "there is something peculiar about alcoholics. They seem to be well, yet at any moment they may turn back to their old ways. You can never be sure."

This is largely twaddle. The alcoholic is a sick person. Under the technique of Alcoholics Anonymous he gets well - that is to say, his disease is arrested. There is nothing unpredictable about him any more than there is anything weird about a person who has arrested diabetes.

Let's get it clear, once and for all, that alcoholics are human beings. Then we can safeguard ourselves intelligently against most slips.

In both professional and lay circles, there is a tendency to label everything that an alcoholic may do as "alcoholic behavior." The truth is, it is simple human nature.

It is very wrong to consider any of the personality traits observed in liquor addicts as peculiar to the alcoholic. Emotional and mental quirks are classified as symptoms of alcoholism merely because alcoholics have them, yet those same quirks can be found among non-alcoholics too. Actually they are symptoms of mankind!

Of course, the alcoholic himself tends to think of himself as different, somebody special, with unique tendencies and reactions. Many psychiatrists, doctors, and therapists carry the same idea to extremes in their analyses and treatment of alcoholics.

Sometimes they make a complicated mystery of a condition which is found in all human beings, whether they drink whiskey or buttermilk.

To be sure, alcoholism, like every other disease, does manifest itself in some unique ways. It does have a number of baffling peculiarities which differ from those of all other diseases.

At the same time, any of the symptoms and much of the behavior of alcoholism are closely paralleled and even duplicated in other diseases.

The slip is a relapse! It is a relapse that occurs after the alcoholic has stopped drinking and started on the A.A. program of recovery. Slips usually occur in the early states of the alcoholic's A.A. indoctrination, before he has had time to learn enough of the A.A. techniques and A.A. philosophy to give him a solid footing. But slips may also occur after an alcoholic has been a member of A.A. for many months or even several years, and it is in this kind, above all, that often finds a marked similarity between the alcoholic's behavior and that of "normal" victims of other diseases.

No one is startled by the fact that relapses are not uncommon among arrested tubercular patients. But here is a startling fact - the cause is often the same as the cause which leads to slips for the alcoholic.

It happens this way: When a tubercular patient recovers sufficiently to be released from the sanitarium, the doctor gives him careful instructions for the way he is to live when he gets home. He must drink plenty of milk. He must refrain from smoking. He must obey other stringent rules.

For the first several months, perhaps for several years, the patient follows directions. But as his strength increases and he feels fully recovered, he becomes slack. There may come the night when he decides he can stay up until ten o'clock. When he does this, nothing untoward happens. Soon he is disregarding the directions given him when he left the sanitarium. Eventually he has a relapse.

The same tragedy can be found in cardiac cases. After the heart attack, the patient is put on a strict rests schedule. Frightened, he naturally follows directions obediently for a long time. He, too, goes to bed early, avoids exercise such as walking upstairs, quits smoking, and leads a Spartan life. Eventually, though there comes a day, after he has been feeling good for months or several years, when he feels he has regained his strength, and has also recovered from his fright. If the elevator is out of repair one day, he walks up the three flights of stairs. Or he decides to go to a party - or do just a little smoking - or take a cocktail or two. If no serious aftereffects follow the first departure from the rigorous schedule prescribed, he may try it again, until he suffers a relapse.

In both cardiac and tubercular cases, the acts which led to the relapses were preceded by wrong thinking. The patient in each case rationalized himself out of a sense of his own perilous reality. He deliberately turned away from his knowledge of the fact that he had been the victim of a serious disease. He grew overconfident. He decided he didn't have to follow directions.

Now that is precisely what happens with the alcoholic - the arrested alcoholic, or the alcoholic in A.A. who has a slip. Obviously, he decides to take a drink again some time before he actually takes it. He starts thinking wrong before he actually embarks on the course that leads to a slip.

There is no reason to charge the slip to alcoholic behavior or a second heart attack to cardiac behavior. The alcoholic slip is not a symptom of a psychotic condition. There's nothing screwy about it at all. The patient simply didn't follow directions.

For the alcoholic, A.A. offers the directions. A vital factor, or ingredient of the preventive, especially for the alcoholic, is sustained emotion. The alcoholic who learns some of the techniques or the mechanics of A.A. but misses the philosophy or the spirit may get tired off following directions - not because he is alcoholic, but because he is human. Rules and regulations irk almost anyone, because they are restraining, prohibitive, negative. The philosophy of A.A. however, is positive and provides ample sustained emotion - a sustained desire to follow directions voluntarily.

In any event, the psychology of the alcoholic is not as different as some people try to make it. The disease has certain physical differences, yes, and the alcoholic has problems peculiar to him, perhaps, in that he has been put on the defensive and consequently has developed frustrations. But in many instances, there is no more reason to be talking about "the alcoholic mind" than there is to try to describe something called "the cardiac mind" or the "TB mind."

I think we'll help the alcoholic more if we can first recognize that he is primarily a human being - afflicted with human nature.
(Post from dave+)

Friday, August 29, 2003

"We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God's people we stand on our own feet; we don't crawl before anyone."- The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous p. 83

A man who worked at the same brewery for years was one day away from retirement. He was walking the rails above the vats as he had done so many times before, when he fell in and drowned. A local reporter asked the brewery manager about the tragedy and whether there was anything that might have been done to save him.
"It's so sad, I don't know," the manager said,"Maybe we could have stopped him when he got out three times and went to the men's room."

Getting ready for the happy hour rush, a bartender is filling trays of glasses with beer. A drunk walks up and starts downing them, almost faster than the bartender can pour them. He asks him, "Hey buddy, what's the hurry?" "You would drink fast too, if you had what I have," the man says." "Oh," the bartender asks, "What do you have?"
"Let's see," the drunk says, "About 75 cents."

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know,
and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown,
faith is knowing one of two things will happen:
There will be something solid to stand on,
or you will be taught how to fly."
- Barbara J. Winter

A man got tired of his wife complaining that he spent more time partying at the bar than doing things with her. So one night he took her drinking with him. After only one shot of hard liquor, she gagged: "How can you drink this stuff every night? This is horrible!"
"See how wrong you were," he corrected her, "All those times you thought I was out enjoying myself."

We...
F1: ...admit that we have no life.
F2: ...believe that a Power greater than ourselves can either restore us to sanity or provide us with unlimited, no-cost Internet dial-up.
F3: ...made a decision to turn our lives over to that Great Webmaster In The Sky ("GWITS").
F4: ...performed a searching moral inventory with the Web search engine of our choice.
F5: ...admitted to GWITS, ourselves and another human being (even if only by eMail) the exact nature of our obsession.
F6: ...were entirely ready to have GWITS remove our shortcomings and remedy our lack of knowledge about the latest IRC chat technology.
F7: ...humbly asked GWITS to allow us to FTP the file updates.
F8: ...made a list of all persons we had neglected, and posted it on our personal home page.
F9: ...made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would cut into our scheduled netsurf time.
F10: ...continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, blamed it on our outdated software.
F11: ...sought through prayer and meditation to improve our contactwith GWITS, by utilizing higher modem speeds and improved bandwidth.
F12: ...had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Keys, tried to carry the message to other Interholics, and ended up making complete pests out of ourselves.
(Post from Billy S)

Monday, August 25, 2003

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson (Post from Dave W)

Sunday, August 24, 2003

"The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time."- Abraham Lincoln

Welcome!This site is about alcoholism, addiction and recovery. There will be quotes and inspirational postings. You will also find posts that focus on lighter and sometimes weird slices of life. Thanks for stopping by and Keep Coming Back.

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