comedy

A profound truth occurred to me this evening. The Hoff is merely a pretender to the throne. William Shatner is our real lord and saviour. The Hoff is Torchwood to Shatner’s Doctor.
The shit to the Shat’s ice cream.

Here’s Our Lord and Shatner honouring the humourless badger, George Lucas. Thankfully Harry Ford was there to lighten the mood.

And here’s Betty White, the dotty one from the Golden Girls, being filthier than you [Wayne excluded] can possibly imagine.

So my youngest nephew lent me King Kong today, and it’s awesome. So far, at least. I’ve yet to play as Kong, but the 1st-person Jack parts are grand. There’s something Zelda-ish about the internal consistency of the world you play in, as you can use the environment to best the monsters, and induce the monsters to eat each other, which is a good thing, as when they start eating you, you don’t last long. The lack of any HUD is a blessing, with the state of your ammo related by Jack telling you how much he has left, and your invisible life bar being in one of three states – alive, mostly dead, and dead. Which seems about right on an island populated by giant spiders, various giant lizards, and oh, yeah. A great big ape.

— ooh, Barry from Eastenders just called David Blaine a cunt on C4. I love that while Americans crowded round his Times Square iceblock with signs of support the British responded to his 40-day fast by flying remote-controlled helicopters carrying bacon-double-cheeseburgers round and round his elevated glass box.

KATE’S WEASELY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named “Picasso.” I am certain he will amount to nothing.

KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90’s audience, because they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I’m Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.

KATE: Thank you. So are you.

LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you in fact. I am going to put on my “brooding” face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.

KATE: While you’re doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.

WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee’s life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you’re poor, and then I’ll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure mycharacter is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I’ll throw an elderly person into the water.

AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you’re trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)

SCENE 2:

LEONARDO: I’m glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.

KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.

AUDIENCE: Darnn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!

LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes.

KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?

LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.

NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.

KATE: All right, then. (Sound of clothes hitting the floor.)

SCENE 3:

FIRST MATE: Captain, we’re about to hit an iceberg.

CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (Sound of drinking.)

ICEBERG: (Hits boat.)

FIRST MATE: That can’t be good.

CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!

AUDIENCE: (Silence.)

FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.

AUDIENCE: Where’s Leonardo?

SCENE 4:

LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.

KATE: That is terrible.

LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?

KATE: Certainly.

WEASELLY FIANCE: (Aside) I’m getting the raw end of the deal here! (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally dubious yet somehow less annoying than you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.

LEONARDO: Why don’t you just shoot me?

WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn’t be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you’re going to die anyway…

AUDIENCE: Don’t spoil it for us! Boo!

LEONARDO: He’s right, though. I am doomed.

AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he’s doomed.

WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.

SCENE 5:

150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that’s when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn’t been for having to rescue him, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he’s pretty much dead now, and I’m well over a thousand years old, and who’s making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it’s making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was – hey! Don’t you walk away from me! I’d turn you over my knee, if I had one. I’ll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Comeback here!

(Fade to black. Roll credits and play overplayed Celine Dion song.)

Dredged from the internet memory vault by Anna’s post on Star Wars which shows just how thoroughly some girls can fail to get sci-fi.

So, here’s the inaugural Thursday Night Special, which I hope will be a collection of the very best things ever. And maybe I’m setting the bar too high by starting with this, but anyhoo, on with the show.