I was hanging out with a friend at a cafe a couple of weeks ago, sitting at a table outside enjoying a delicious cappucino, when I noticed a woman with a stroller come up to the cafe, park the stroller just outside the front door, and then go inside to buy a croissant and a coffee. In fact, at first I didn't really even notice. But then for some reason, as I was smiling at the adorable baby who was happily making eyes at all the other patrons sitting on the sidewalk, I realized this would never happen in America.

And then I had one of my cultural epiphanies.

Americans (and other nationalities) can be rather judgmental of the rule-abiding Germans, rolling our eyes at their ever-present need to scold us for breaking harmless rules. I myself have often laughed and explained that "every German has an inner policeman." They take it upon themselves to self-police their neighbors, and make sure that no one is a menace to society. Of course, this is a rather flexible term because is it really hurting anyone else to ride your bike one block the wrong way down the bike path, or to park in an illegal spot? Well, Germans think so. And I will just leave it at that - we all have theories about how society should be run, and Germany has a history that makes the people super conscious of keeping a moral and social order.

And here's the thing: it's not just Germans who have a little inner policeman dying to get out. I think we all do, to a certain degree. And Americans are no exception. It just depends what it's about! Germans tend to fixate on formal "rules" - e.g. a law has been codified and therefore it must be applicable in every situation and it's up to them to make sure it is applied and no one can dare say that not all rules are logical or apply to every situation. Americans tend to be a little looser with rules, BUT our inner policeman comes out with a vengeance in respect to parenting and certain moral "values". We respect privacy and family decision making less than Germans, and Americans are way more prone to comment on someone else's parenting decisions. And even to interfere, in public.

I guarantee you if a parent left a baby outside a cafe in a stroller, every parent in the vicinity would get up and yell at that mom for neglecting her baby. Same for leaving kids in a car in a parking lot - even if for only 5 minutes and the entire time in full sight of the parent.

The sad thing is that BOTH forms of policing are just too much. Why can't we all just leave each other be and stop judging other people's decisions? If I had a baby, I think I would go ride my bike the wrong way down to a cafe around the corner right now, and pop in to grab a quick coffee while the baby gurgles happily outside the cafe window, and to hell with everyone's policing...

Yes! I got chewed out by multiple people this summer when I parked in front of an outdoor burger stand at Tahoe in the shade with all windows rolled down and let little man keep napping in his car seat while I bought a burger at the window and then ate it at a picnic table NEXT to the car. One man actually starting yelling about babies overheating in cars in Vegas. I think Americans are all secretly dying to be a big hero.

Yes--this post! I think what you say of Americans is so true (and Holly's comment about all of us secretly wanting to the hero, as well). Although, maybe it's a little more true that some of us would immediately get involved in a thing, and some of us would just sit back and talk about it. But there's definitely a judgmental, intervene-y thing going on with us Americans. This reminds me of all the leash-less dogs I saw when we were in Germany. You see that here, but only rarely. I admit to being quite worried and annoyed when walking my little dog and some big, leash-less dog comes running up. Part of that is concern that he'll attack my dog, but part of me is all, hey--follow the rules! The thing is, these leash-less dogs in Germany are all clearly amazingly well-trained. They were all walking obediently in front of or behind their owners, down busy Munich streets, very well behaved. I doubt that would be the case for leash-less dogs in the US. (I know my dog would probably wander off into the street or something. He's a really sweet, good dog, but I'll admit it here: he is not well-trained!) Somehow German training manages to make for more freedom for their dogs/owners.

Love the Killer Your Inner Policeman sign. I bet that unofficially posted flyer made some German mad! :D

Reply

Caroline

11/22/2014 08:59:15 pm

To a certain degree, the possibility to leave your child in a stroller outside the café is the positive flipside to the constant unasked for and unnecessary rule policing.

The mother will have taken a look at the people in the café, have noticed they were nice, law abiding Germans - and will have felt safe leaving her child there. Because she subconsciously knew that if anybody dared try to take the child or do any harm to it, someone from the café crowd would definitely (and in that case rightfully) intervene.

Had to laugh at your dog observation Karen - because I've heard it to often. Well, Germans dogs go to 'Hundeschule' = dog school to learn to be a good, rule following real German dog. My brother used to have a Rottweiler who would actually look at us totally startled if we put her on a leash like: "Did I do something wrong?"

Reply

Cara

11/24/2014 04:30:20 am

Caroline, we were actually talking about that the other day after I wrote this post- whether parents can be more relaxed in Germany because it's so much safer. Certainly, a lot of the paranoia in the US did result from all the stories of school violence, kidnappings, child molestation, etc. I think parents were much more relaxed when I was a kid.... but I still think most of the measures taken to "police" other parents in the US is way way too much. It seems to be a cultural shift that has taken place- maybe a bit of what Holly and Karen are talking about with the American compulsion to be a "hero". All these people want to feel like they are saving children from bad parents.... but what they're really doing is actually nothing to help at all! My answer- go do something that really matters then, like taking in a foster child or volunteering to help battered women and their children.