The Endorsement: The Shiner

That's the beauty of an ugly shiner. Men see it and give you respect: That ring around the eye is proof that you're not simply willing to fight, you're willing to lose -- and that makes you just plain old crazy.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PAIN. You can throw out your back so severely that you want to cry every time you tie your shoes, but all you're ever gonna get for your invisible anguish is geriatric jokes. A spasmodic disk will never, ever get you a sympathy lay, no matter how much you whimper. Trust me. Recently, however, I had the good fortune of getting smacked in the face. Now, don't worry about what it was that struck me -- knuckles, the butt of a gun, a very-irresponsibly-left-open kitchen cabinet. That's irrelevant. The fact is, when I woke up the next morning, I had a dark, purplish crescent beneath my left eye. The injury hurt a lot less than a torn ligament or a little internal bleeding, but it looked as if I'd been through hell. That's the beauty of an ugly shiner. Men see it and give you respect: That ring around the eye is proof that you're not simply willing to fight, you're willing to lose -- and that makes you just plain old crazy. (Even a tough guy knows better than to go messing with a madman.) And women see it and lavish you with affection. For them, that sad semicircle signifies an impossible fantasy -- the rugged male with a sensitive soul. Rugged because he's willing to throw down, sensitive because, well, he obviously sucks at it. A little Florence Nightingale action can't be far behind. Of course, the best thing about a black eye is that it lingers. After the pain has faded, the evidence -- and the perks -- remain for weeks. Longer if you apply a little makeup.