When they take me down, I want it to be for something truly obscure, like "unlawful possession of an undersize lobster", or "possession of a bonefish in violation of Honduran law pursuant to a 1961 fishing treaty."

"But your Honor, it was self-defense!"

Not too long ago a lady was convicted under federal law because she sold "dream catchers" made of owl feathers which she had collected from road-kill. She sold 'em on eBay. The Feds tracked her down and charged her with violation of the Trafficking In Protected Species Act or some such thing.

Is the ham sandwich properly tagged and registered with the FDA as per the Food Safety Act, and are its movements (including where exactly it is in the digestive system by now) reported within 24 hours as required by law? And where, my dear lady, is the tag on the mattress, the one you're never to remove?