December 23rd, 2016 was perhaps one of the most memorable moments of my entire life...

The holidays have never been a pleasant experience for me. My overcompensating father, my emotionally removed mother, and impulsive/self-serving bipolar brother in one setting for any length of time presents enough grief for anyone to consider jumping into moving traffic... That last past is just my attempt at cynical wit.. Though this holiday season gifted me with yet another mood shattering obstacle.. A raging case of influenza complete with a 104 fever and immeasurable joint pain rendering my escape futile while glued to the living room couch.. While enduring yet another holiday season immersed in total dysfunction while feeling totally isolated, the ever so familiar thought popped into mind... "All I want was a cigarette and a f***ing drink."

A cigarette and a drink...

In a world of isolation, my two friends that would always be there.. Two loyal friends among those of which left in droves after enough "tries" to tolerate the person that I am. And while wasting away on the couch, I really started to reflect upon those two friends.. Were they my friends? I mean.. what benefits have the genuinely provided? ...and I felt sick. More sickly than the flu could ever hope to make me feel..

I was becoming the people that I hated. The attention seeking, self centered and self proclaimed victims that blame the world for their problems.. and I was heading down that path rather quickly. A pack a day, 15-25 drinks per week, recreational use of hard street stimulants: MDMA, cocaine, as many women as I could possibly convince to enter my bedroom through gestures of "sincerity" and "nice guy" appearances until I get bored.. And abruptly cease any and all communication with them.. or just sleep around behind their back until I got caught. And then feel sorry for myself because none of these things I genuinely wanted to do..

"I didn't want to destroy my body, I didn't want to hurt people, I didn't want to isolate myself, I didn't want to live in a state of constant financial duress, I didn't want to be seen in the spotlight as an emotionally cold and calculating womanizer...."

"I didn't want to be rejected..."

Jesus, how many times have I told myself these things.. Though change seemed impossible, and much worse I was good at it..

No matter how hard I tried to do right, I couldn't focus. I couldn't remember. I couldn't follow directions. I couldn't follow through with promises. I couldn't hold a secret. I couldn't stay organized. I couldn't remember names and previous encounters. I couldn't stay engaged in conversation. I couldn't be on time. I couldn't filter words and thoughts. I couldn't comprehend anything I read. I couldn't emotionally connect to anyone control my own emotions. I couldn't stay attentive to anything other than my persistently wandering mind and racing thoughts/feelings. I couldn't be a functional human being in modern society....

I believe I shift from happy to sad 10-20 times a day, all in response to consequences of impulsive action or manifestations within my own wandering thoughts..

These were the only ways in which I knew how to interact with the world and cope.. It was as if my actions were on autopilot. My impulsive nature was at the helm, steering the direct course of my life and all of my actions.. All I could do was sit back and watch my own undoing while feeling entirely helpless to do a thing about it.. I am a genuinely kind and empathetic person..someone that would sacrifice his own personal interests to help those closest to him in an instant.. Give the world to the one I loved.. Yet the only image the world has ever seen is an angry and emotionally void individual fueled by immediate return and stimulation with no interest to change.. An arrogant and mean spirited person. I was fueled by the NEED for constant stimulation, and I would throw anyone's feelings under the bus to get it.. and no one would ever understand. I was helplessly watching my life burn itself to the ground, and my impulse was the match...

Then on that day, I suppose I had an epiphany.. I don't want to feel l like this anymore. I don't want to be unhappy. So god damn it, I'm going to be happy! And I quit.

It is now April 20th, 2017, and I haven't smoked a single cigarette since that day in December cold turkey. I have improved my diet, sleep schedule, and practice yoga and breathing exercises daily. I have trained myself to be a diaphragmatic breather. Alcohol has completely lost its appeal aside from the occasional couple of drinks should I find the desire to venture into the weekend social scene with the few friends that I have left. Recreational drugs no longer serve any appeal. I have brought relative structure and order to all aspects of my life.. My house now stays relatively clean, I rehabbed two rooms in my house. With all the money I have saved, I have built a music studio, and started a new hobby DJing as a healthier means of staying a part of the 4/4 dance music scene. I have my first gig this Saturday.

I'm doing everything I can to find the stimulation I crave in healthier aspects of life, but it's far from f*****g perfect..

Without cigarettes and alcohol, the real me has been once again exposed to the world. The socially inept, academically deficient, and self conscious teenager that never gave himself the chance to fix these things that made him feel weak.. That teenager who gave into all the years of bullying, rejection, and abandonment by his peers. That genuinely believes he isn't worth anything more..

As it stands, I'm now a 25 year old Junior in the midst of my path toward a BS in Mechanical Engineering, and regularly ride the line between pass and fail. I have repeated many courses, and have been in college for 7 years. I don't know how to communicate with my peers anymore without a crutch like a cigarette, and I always feel as if I'm being judged. I often feel stupid because as much as I love the subject matter, I just quite never seem to get it despite the 50+ hours a week I invest into the books/regularly fail quizzes and tests.. and I still have leagues of work to invest into repairing relationships with my friends and immediate family after years of isolating myself.. And this is all while speaking to a professional monthly, and medicated on 30mg of Vyvanse, a proper dose for me. Though I wish it lasted a bit longer..

But it's OK.. It's OK because I don't have to sit at a bar in 3AM half drunk considering throwing myself off the parking garage. I don't have to say that I feel helpless anymore. I don't have to feel as though I'm under total control of impulsive nature and stimulant seeking behavior.. I feel like I'm taking back control. I have so much work to do on myself.. I have accepted that I'll never be normal, and I'll never be the charismatic person that I would love to be. I will never graduate cum laud. But that's all OK. It's OK because I'm accepting that these are things which don't have to dictate my personal happiness, and the areas in which I am deficient are replaced with areas in which I excel. Just because I'm a **** poor student and struggle with engineering school doesn't in the least bit indicate that I'll be a poor engineer. For every class I fail, there are 3 that I passed. Just as lack of charisma doesn't indicate that I have to be alone. I just have to modify my approach in healthier ways to achieve my end goal.. I've started to see ADHD as an alternative way of thinking vs a deficiency.. and though I'm far from the summit.. I feel as though I'm finally working my way up.. Even if I do stumble back down from time to time.. My house needs a serious vacuum, and my bathroom desperately needs a deep clean hah!