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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Yes, nothing major has happened in my life. Its like I faded into normalcy of girlhood. Still getting the hang of it-being a girl in Nairobi. I love my life. Its easy, manageable and yes, no more pretence. I am so happy. Reminds me of the movie Transamerica where the trans lady, Bree tells the guy from the American Psychiatric (something) whether he finds it interesting that a surgery can cure someone of a mental condition! Well, okay, for me it ain't anything surgical but the fact that I live as me (finally!) is very exciting.

Life as a girl is interesting. Its different from what I had imagined but I cannot rule out the fact that it still is me living. Nothing much has changed. If anything, I am still the same, only dress and look differently. Something I have to keep reminding A about since he was very much concerned about this whole transition thing changing me into “those women” that he doesn't like.

There is some good news though, I finally got a house! Yes! I'm moving by the end of the week and I am ecstatic! Its larger than what I had before and better. But with most things, not everything is spic and span, there are small flaws here and there and some stuff I will have to change up. But all in all I am glad and happy. Things are going better. When me and my mom went to pay for the house, I remember her telling me that she ensured she had gotten all the pronouns and names correctly when talking to the owner so that she doesn't make any mistakes! I really love my mom! She makes things easier :). Can't thank her enough.

And with all this, I pen off. Until another day people. Thanks for being there for me; couldn't have done it without you.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I decided to put this video here that depicts the unity we Kenyans want to see in our country. Its been three years since the PEV (Post Election Violence) and I just love this song for how it makes one think of Peace Love and Unity-the Kenyan Philosophy in the National Anthem and Loyalty Pledge.

Monday, January 18, 2010

When I sat down to write this post, I couldn't help but ask myself how come I haven't posted anything since last Monday. Its been a week. One thing that I remember telling myself during the week was that I really didn't have anything much to say. Last week was smooth and simple. Nothing much happened. But I will say one or two things that happened here and there.

My doctor had asked me to have an ultrasound to see if I have internal ovaries and I went and did it. Turns out I don't have any. Everything is intact, “just as a man's anatomy should be”, said the examiner. (I have paraphrased). Of course this wasn't something id want to hear. A had made a joke that if I was indeed with internal ovaries, he'd make me pregnant and marry me ASAP! That was funny. He's rationale was that it would be easy to convince people that I was indeed female with them than the way it is now. So too bad. At least I never put it into my head that the chance was high; I knew it wasn't possible. But I couldn't help but wonder how it would have been to have such. Could I have had babies at last? My! Its something I always dream about-having babies. Something I wonder whether I will be able to handle-motherhood. I tell my friends id want/wish to be able to get pregnant and experience the joys(and pains) of child-bearing; motherhood. But I am still young. Lets see what happens.

I had stopped taking anti-androgens since I was planning to have my Orchidectomy but I am now back on them. This is because I decided to post pone the surgery to a date that I would be comfortable with. January was too demanding both physically and financially. So in a few days I will also be starting my estrogen. I have booked an appointment with the doctor and I just simply cant wait for them :).

In general, life has been easy. At home there has been no qualms, I still haven't moved houses though I still think I should move (I think I'm just lazy!). Work is going on well. My relationship with A is fine; maybe even better than before since its growing more and more each day. My family is okay, I still wish I could join them for special occasions. Which reminds me, this past weekend I was invited to my two young cousins' birthday party and I simply couldn't attend. My older cousins invited me and kept asking me why I wasn't showing up but I reminded them that they are older and they know who I am now while the younger ones still have no clue. This also happened again last year when one of my relatives invited me for Christmas lunch and I couldn't go since her husband didn't know that I began a new leaf plus the same young kids also don't know. Which makes me wonder, how do I come out to these young ones? How do I explain to them what happened to me. How do I tell them that I really was a girl but I was dressing as a boy or some story like that. This is such a dilemma for me because it leaves me very little to chose from. Of course when I started my transition I knew that one of the repercussions of doing this was that id lose some of my family and relatives. Simply because they'd find it hard to accept the new me or just to lose the 'boy' they had once known.

This post, like the last one, may sound boring but on a lighter note, I did do something nice last Sunday. I went out!and one thing happened that I never expected. I was hit on by a chic... and i liked it! Kinda reminded me of that song by Katey Perry-I kissed a girl and I liked It. It was a gay party on a Sunday and turn out was really low. My spontaneity got the best of me and so I put on my stilettos and went there to celebrate with my queer friends. She was a butch lesbian and she liked me. She saw me in the ladies room area and told me how hot I was. Then later at the bar counter she came to me with her butch lesbian friend and told me “you're really hot. are you gay?” i reply, “well, i date men, but you never know about women!” Haha! I was laughing inside. It was really nice! Mama mia! gosh the stilettos hurt my feet! I told myself I'm wasn't going to wear any high shoes again that week!

Monday, January 11, 2010

I lack words to say. I lack things to write about. Why? Most of them are very personal. Would I want to put them here? Oh yes, why definitely! Then why am I not putting it here? Well, because they are personal! Didn't you just say you would? Yes I did. And I cant put them here because they are personal. Yes, I said that twice. And yes, I know its conflicting. I want to say things to the world through this blog but I also want to keep part of me private. Most of my close friends and family know this is my blog and sometimes I may mention something that might be related to them in one way or another and they feel offended. I refused to name any names for security reasons but sometimes I wonder whether I am as anonymous as I wanted to be.

This post is a rant and rave of sorts. My mind just going wild. Its a Monday and I cant help think about all the stuff I have to do. This year is as busy as it can ever be. My job is closely coming to an end(it was for a period) and I need a strategy. That strategy is a work in progress.

Life on the other hand is not bad. Is it really great? Well I cant say that for now. Why? Because there are times it feels that way and there are times you wish it was better; easier even. Everyday I wonder whether I'm passing enough. Whether I will bump into someone I know from facebook, whether I will bump into someone I knew from work. Whether someone will notice that I'm not a genuine girl (or GG if you like). Sometimes I go through the streets of Nairobi and I haven't the slightest care in the world about who's looking at me or who's staring or something of the sort. Truthfully, most of the times I am slightly self conscious. Granted this has reduced significantly and especially when I got my new hairstyle but its still there. Its something I fight off everyday. I have to brace myself up every morning to be able to go through the day with ease. At work I am comfortable. More relaxed. People know me and they'd seen me from the beginning. Some colleagues still get the pronouns wrong but its easier nowadays.

I look at pictures of me when I began transitioning and I cant help but be astonished. The pictures I see are of a boy. I look in the mirror to find traces of him and, for me, I see them. Loud and clear. For most, especially those who had never met me before, cannot believe that its the same person. I almost shed a tear every time I see the pictures. Partly because I am sad about my past life. My lie of a life. My stage act. It was all acting for me. A play in the real world. One that was cruel on the inside but seemed hunky dory on the outside. I'm thinking some of my relatives who may stumble upon this post may wonder what I mean when I say it was a lie. Well for me it looked like one. Id put on a face every morning and remove it in the comfort of my home and where people knew the real me. Does that mean then that I've changed? no. not really. I have just improved. And a lot at that too.

The other reason I feel like shedding a tear is because I still see how much work is in progress. That its not a toss of a coin. A one day stint. Like a wave of a wand and Voila! Its all gone. Its a process. A journey. It will take me a while. But I have began. And I cant wait for the future. Its bright and its wonderful. Something I've always looked forward to.

Kenya needs lots of work. There are so many things we need to do, the transgender community in Kenya. We fight a slightly different battle from our LGB counterparts. While they seek recognition and acceptance, we seek for not only that but also medical and legal policies to enable us be and become who we are. There are no guidelines for the treatment of transsexuals, nor are there any for treating intersex individuals. People have no idea what it means to be transgendered. They often misunderstood us for gay men. Even when it comes to the fight against HIV/AIDS, we are most of the time referred to as MSM. They don't know at all. Thats why its up to us to educate them. My fellow trans activists are doing this and even thought the pace is slow, we are headed somewhere.

I sure hope that in the course of time, I shall be telling you all about how I finally got the prescription for estrogens and how excited I am about them. I cant wait!
May you all have a fruitful week ahead!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

When I began my transition about 5 months ago, (wow! Its already been five months!!) I knew what I was getting into. And just to be safe and prepared, I braced myself for the worst. I knew that with my mom being on my side, things would be easier but I still had to put it in my head that things won't be easy as pie. I had many fears about many aspects of my would-be new life. For instance, I knew I'd be forced to move from my house since it would look funny to neighbors seeing this androgynously looking person passing by. I love my house and I didn't wanna move. So I stayed on and braved it up; thinking I will move soon. Now, things are different. Ive never been confronted or anything but I still feel funny each time I leave my house or alight the bus to go to my house. I remember telling myself that I should move and that it wasn't wise, but each time I thought of house hunting I felt bad. House hunting in Nairobi can be a horrible nightmare. I didn't want to go through it. But definitely every time I am out and in the neighborhood I get that funny feeling. I hear people commenting behind my back but I ignore it. Like today, I was in heels and I was passing by one of the garages when after passing I heard one guy ask the other 'is that a woman or a man?'. I never look back. I often get a slight shiver when I hear such comments only seconds after ive passed by but I always just try to ignore them. As of this moment, I am still there. Five months down the line. I keep telling myself “surely they must have gotten used to me?”. I know that may sound foolish, but to be honest, I want to move, not because of the surroundings but to a better house.

It pains me a lot knowing that my aunt, who I considered a very good mentor and role model, was not as open minded as I thought. She is the one I blogged about here. I think she didn't like the fact that I even put her word here. But I said to myself, if people don't see what we go through, how else are they gonna know why we do what we do? Even when reading articles like this one, its so true that its hard for people to fully understand what we go through if they are not going through it themselves. Its even harder, very hard, for those who still have a challenge in accepting your newly revealed existing reality. I love my aunt. The other day I tried to call her and when she picked up the phone I said “its your new niece” and she answered (rather flatly)”i don't have a new niece”. It hurt me. It hurt me real bad. I don't know if she feels bad me writing about her in my blog, (she knows I blog) but I just have to share this so people get to see the real picture. Transition isn't a bed of roses. For my elder relatives, they insist that I have a demon and I need exorcism. They even asked one of my cousins to take me to a revered pastor known for casting out demons on tv. It pains me, but I understand them. It took me a real while to come to terms with this and it wasn't before years of prayer and fasting.

Yes. I did pray and fast about this and I did it for years. I don't know if even my mother knows about this but its true. During my late years in primary school, right after I got saved/born again, I prayed feverently for God to choose a clear path for me. I asked Him several times to tell me which side I belong to. Most of my prayers were instigated by the fact that I was constantly teased for being different. A girly-boy. A sissy as the Americans say. 'Kasupuu' was my nick name back then. It means 'sweet one' in sheng, a kind of slang in Kenya. Even then, I still had admirers. Boys who would take any chance they got to fondle me. Not my pps, but any other place. Even then I still flirted a lot with the ones I liked. And played games with girls mostly and not boys. Only when I was older and saved did I try to change. I tried playing football, didn't work. I tried sagging, failed miserably. I ensured I was around 'macho boys' to see if some of it could rub off on me, they called me even more names. Eventually, coupled with the fact that I was being raped by another boy in my dorm, I got ulcers and sunk into deep stress. Doctors could not fathom the idea of a 12 year old boy being stressed! And of course I couldn't possibly tell them of my 'split personality'.

As the years went by I tried to come to terms with it. Puberty hit and voices started to break. It was devastating. I remember telling my mom I had started growing hips and she didn't get it. I was hinting to her what I had known about me. She still didn't get it. Then I told her of my crush in high school(i schooled in an all boys school). She down played it saying that the crush was due to the fact that I never had a father around. I reminded her that I had been in boarding school almost all through my young life but she would hear non of it. I went ahead to find out what was wrong with me. Still I was praying, now even fasting. It still weighed heavily on me. I blamed my drop in grades to it (in primary I was very good-top 5). Then that last year of form four a story came out that I was having relationships with boys in school. They were true but they were blown out of proportion. It was a harrowing 9 months of schooling. But I made it through. I thank God for that and even for now. I thank Him for the protection He has been giving me and continues to freely give me up to now.

I miss my old life; about 20% of it. Now, life is so much easier. Granted its a bit harder, seeing that I have to 'pass' as a girl and not cause a stir when I'm out in public but yet still, its better than before. I look forward to better things to come. I am almost beginning my estrogens and my Orchiectomy is also in the offing. I am kinda scared but excited at the same time. One, because its a scary thing to do surgery. Two, because I shall finally be rid of all male hormones! Three, because I shall begin feminizing my body. These make me happy. As you all know, transsexuals don't feel okay with the way their bodies developed (I don't like saying they hate their bodies because for me, I love my body-it only needs a bit of work!) and therefore anything that alters their bodies for good is a mighty leap into happiness and contentment. If you are one of those people who still have their reservations about someone changing their bodies or stuff like that, think of it this way. This is a person who knows for sure, without a doubt, that they will not function properly as human beings the way they are. Since it is known for a fact that other methods have failed, and that the only successful one is transition(same link), then you try and put yourself in my shoes. Most people will tell you “if it were me, I would continue living and deal with it. I would let God handle it”. Fine, I agree, but I, being one to question, will ask the simple question. “What next?”. I never said I wouldn't do it, I'm just saying that I would continue being tormented inside. Again, I consider myself straight. The idea of being gay just wouldn't swallow properly. God has shown me that I can live a full life and still be His child. Granted, my views on Christianity is that most of it its full of fundamentalism that tends to forget God!

I never intended for this post to be long so I hope I am forgiven. Taking it easy will be something I will have to embrace.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Just a small note to ask you all what you think of my blog's new look. As I said in the previous post, I took some time to go through it and I just wanted a simple look, loaded with my favourite colors, and those believed to be trans (thus the much emphasis on 'purple')

I'm just curious. What do you think of the colors? What about the layout? Are the fonts big enough? e.t.c.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Wow! Happy new year y'all! New year, new look! It took me about an hour and a half to choose this new look and here we are now! Yippee!

Its been a whole year and yeah its been great. Major ups and downs, and minor one too. So I wanna thank you all for the support you have given me all through the last year and I indeed look forward to a better time this 2010!

Like always, I have so many stuff going on in my head and several debates rage on about what to type and what not to! Ha ha! Still, I have to write, or at least, I want to write. Gives me joy and mostly peace. I do this, as it says on my “About Me”, to try and give my fellow Kenyans and the rest of the world a view of the life of a Kenyan Transgender. My life. I am glad that some of my relatives read my blog. Maybe the ones who don't understand what is going on with me or better put, what the hell I am doing, will someday understand and maybe, just maybe, accept or at the very least, tolerate more.

I have many hopes for the new year. I am, as you all know, continuing with my transition and it really takes a toll on you. So without a doubt, most of my focus will be on this. For one, I am looking forward to getting my prescription for estrogen since I have never began those. I am also looking forward to having my small surgery hopefully next week. I don't want to waste any time because the more I wait the more the testosterone in my body continues to work against me. It is unfortunate that this “work in progress” costs so much but then again, people have problems. Most of them cost money do solve don't they?

I apologize to all for what I am about to mention. I just felt its something people wonder and I wanna give my part of it. Since I am a girl, the thought of having 'something' sticking out of you instead of having a 'hole' is very disturbing; and thats just me using pretty words! I usually don't use the word “hate”, mainly because I am thankful for everything, but to be honest to everything and most importantly to myself, I just don't like that “thing”. I'm sure everyone whose read a thing or two about transsexualism and what it means to be a transsexual, know that virtually all of them wish to undergo sexual reassignment surgery. Like me and my FTM (Female to Male) friend, we don't like what we see when we look at ourselves and in simple terms, we wish desperately that we could swap and be happy. Echoing the words of my aunt, many wonder why someone who has very well developed 'organs' would want to 'destroy' them in any way. I always say that I also wish it wasn't like so, that I wasn't going through what I'm going through now, that somehow, it would have been solved in a different way. But the reality is that this is my life, this is whats happening and this is who I am. Just like no baby wishes to be born, no person asks for the tribulations they go through. Yes, some do, but I'm talking about issues such as what I have. I however, now more than ever, are a happier, joyous, peaceful person than I was before and I now do not have as much thoughts and worries as I had before. Life has much more meaning now, even though I know the many trials and tribulations that I will have to undergo because of my status. The many dreams that I have will be much easier achieved now but will be harder to begin. This is because of the environment that I live in here in Kenya. Until people know that we exist and that there is nothing wrong with being different, we will always have troubles and struggles to go through.

My Christmas was good. It wasn't much because I didn't spend it with family as I would have wanted to but still, it was lovely. There really isn't much to write about on that period.

My New Year however was really great. I got the chance to go out again (I say that because I really don't go out that much) and I absolutely enjoyed it. Some would say it wasn't much because I left the club at around 2pm but for me that was a milestone. I ushered in the new year in style and I wasn't alone. Some guy (who happened to be straight!) I met there made it worthwhile. I had my nice high heel shoes and my favorite skirt on and a bare-back top! Thats a look that you'll rarely see me in! Oh and by the way, girls in Nairobi will only wear a skirt if its tight and if it was way above the knee, especially when going out! Mine was neither nor! Ha ha!

In essence, I had a great time this holiday, considering the fact that I was at home, a break away from work, and most of my days were spent in the house relaxing. I also had time to spend with my guy here and there. Unfortunately, his line of work meant that he was busier than ever during the season and now that it has ended, our tables are turned. My work begins while his dies down. Either way, I am glad and thankful.