Sunday, 22 September 2013

Flashie, Flashman, Furball and a couple of others I don't care to repeat.

Age?

Five

Owners?

I live with Amy. She needs a lot of supervision so I have to follow her around the house and garden at all times, to make sure she's not getting in trouble. I bite her whenever I'm cross and sometimes just because it's funny, but she gives me treats and lets me sleep on her bed anyway. Chris lives with us too. He's never had a cat before, so whenever Amy goes away I enjoy terrifying him with violent coughing fits, enormous hairballs and "strange meows". It will stand him in good stead when another cat decides to own him.

Brief biography?
I used to live with Charlie, who looked after me when I was a kitten, and then he emigrated to America. Georgia sounded very hot and far away. I miss Charlie, but humidity plays havoc with my fur. We had been sharing a house with Amy for two years and I knew I could bully her, so I decided to stay here.

Catchphrase?

"NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW."

Favourite Habits?

Running, jumping, sleeping on things. Galloping in and out of rooms meowing randomly and watching Amy and Chris trying to work out what I want. Sniffing everything I can find in case it's food. Chasing Amy up the stairs and biting her ankles from behind.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?

Well, firstly I like to be fed at 5pm on the dot. Then Amy gives me a treat - I like those tiny fish wrapped in dried chicken breast. Then I go out and sniff a few things, come back in and roll around on my back on the floor while Amy dangles a shoe lace just above my head. Perhaps I might bat a conker around a bit, and about 9pm I like to sit on Amy's lap for an hour or so. I'm trying to discourage the laptop, because all that time on the internet isn't good for her and more importantly I can't sit on her lap when she's using it, so I protest by attempting to sit on the keyboard instead. Then we go to bed, and I wait till I'm sure she's just dropping off to go round and round on the crinkly bit of tissue in the shoebox I like to sleep in.

Favourite food?

I like Whiskas, but the vet said I was a bit fat. So now I have to eat special food off the internet. I'm not sure I trust the suppliers, so it's one of my important jobs to sniff each and every carton to ensure its freshness as soon as it comes out of the box.

Defining moment of your life?

The first time I heard Ziggy Stardust.

Any enemies?

The big feral ginger tom who comes around and beats me up about once a month. He says I'm a girl. I don't know what's wrong with wanting to look nice.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines what would it be?

We need proper, cat-friendly hair straighteners, no laptops, and a ban on those horrific black flea collars. No cat has ever looked good in one, not even me. I would like to see something which gets rid of the fleas, but has more flair.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?

David Bowie. He's a genius musician and was a big inspiration for my androgynous look as a young cat. Or Blofeld's cat from Diamonds Are Forever. The diamond collar is a timeless style classic. Amy says she can't afford one for me, but I'm working on her.

Oh, definitely Ralph. We could spend the time discussing fur care, admiring ourselves, and forming a modern glam rock outfit with a punky edge. Ralph's a natural frontman. I think we could come out of that lift and change the face of music. I don't think I'd get on too well with the other cats; the Bear probably says a lot of long words, and Shipley would beat me up.