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Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Trustafarians

The word "trustafarian" is a portmanteau of trust-fund and Rastafarian. "Trustafarians" are generally middle/upper class young people that subscribe to the hippie lifestyle, despite their privilidged backgrounds. With nothing to rebel against and future prospects that the average person could only dream about, they still feel the need to forge an identity that is far removed from their own realities.

Their hobbies include;

Growing dreadlocks- having gnatty dreadlocks is the ultimate sign of a trustafarian. The dirtier and smellier these horrific frayed Cherokee hair tampons are, the higher your status among the trustafarian elite. I've heard countless trustafarians claim that hair will eventually clean itself naturally if you leave it long enough.....BULLSHIT! Your hair smells like books in a charity shop mixed with sweat and hemp, cut those dirty fucking spider legs off!

Wearing no shoes- why do trustafarians not wear shoes? It is definitely not more comfortable to walk around with your feet bare! The soles of your feet are covered in everybody else's shit, get the fuck out of my house! It is both impractical and unhygienic, I hope you stand on an aids infected needle and learn your lesson!

Soap dodging- despite having the means to wash properly these counter culture young people decide that washing is some big fucking conspiracy to keeep everyone subservient to "the man". Your parents have one of those lovely walk in showers, do us all a favour and fucking drown in it! And for the record.......dousing yourself in pachouli does not count as washing, you smell like the fucking 60's.

Drum circles- I have been unfortunate to witness such an event, I will never be able to erase this from my mind. I witnessed Lord Fauntelroy's going into some kind of tribal trance whilst banging drums with no regard for rhythm. The smug expressions on the faces of this drum circle often haunt me, and cause me to wake up in the night wanting to punch things.

Travelling- Trustafarians love nothing more than recounting tales of their travels, and will do this at any given opportunity. "Ohhh man I was like in Cambodia last year on this abandoned beach smoking weed with the tribes people and just like...connecting with other travellers. It's like amazing that even like on the other side of the world I just like had this bond with everyone, the world is like beautiful...." FUCK OFF!

One of the most irritating parts of the Trustafarian is the fact that everybody knows that at some point they'll wake up and decide to become investment bankers/lawyers like their parents. In their twilight years they'l recount their crazy Bohemian youth's from the comfort of their semi-detatched 6 bedroom houses complete with ethnic decor such as Moroccan carpets and African masks. The fascade that they areintent on living an alternative lifestyle is merely a stopgap in their inevitably succesful lives. Do us all a favour and shit or get off the pot (get it?)!