The Wizard was a 1989 commercial for Super Mario Bros. 3 . It had a dumb script, bad child acting, and most heinous of all: inaccuracies about video games. My precious immersion was ruined at the prospect of someone playing a version of Double Dragon where the intro is playable. But seriously, if you like hilariously poor movies, the 80s were Vanaheim on earth. That decade had more ridiculous trash in it than the dumpster outside of RuPaul’s house. Fashion was awful, hair was hideous, and the video games were fantastic. The Power Glove was an accessory for the NES featured in The Wizard that allegedly made you feel like you were in the game but actually made controlling them about as accurate as plugging a dead tuna into the controller slot. And that is so bad .

Tighten up the graphics

This commercial for a supposed video game paradise is hilarious to anyone who has the slightest inkling of what video game testing is actually like. In reality, game testers are minimum wage slobs who are swamped with unfinished and terribly buggy games that they have to play through hundreds of times in order to document every glitch and game-breaking error. They don’t care if you actually think the game is good or not, your bosses just want to get Elf Bowling III on the shelves of Wal-Mart for confused grandmas to buy. But in the magical world of fantasy and wonder, video game testers are responsible for everything from character design to vague graphical improvements. Thanks to the internet, though, you now know the boring truth of this sordid occupation. Basically all video game testers are hoping to move on to something better, much like I am hoping to move on to a funnier meme.

Do not pursue Lu Bu

This comes from the Dynasty Warriors series, based very loosely on Romance of the Three Kingdoms , a medieval Chinese novel about third-century wars in the region. In the context of the game, the legendary warrior Lu Bu–who was said to be unbeatable in personal combat–appears on the battlefield, and many players would be tempted to take him on for a chance at glory. Your commander tells you not to pursue him because 1. He’s just a distraction from your real goal and 2. He will straight-up murder you. Lu Bu does not screw around. Everyone says he’s this nearly invincible marauder and Dynasty Warriors portrays him this way. Lu Bu is responsible for more dead Chinese than the Great Leap Forward. Every time you see media featuring a tough guy with a spear, they probably drew inspiration from either the real Lu Bu or his video game mini-boss counterpart. He owns. But don’t pursue him.

Xbox is hueg

You know what? It was. Not only was it colossal, but the controllers were made for Paul Bunyan. Penny Arcade made fun of them twice . Even Microsoft recognized the absurdity and shrunk future editions. I have no idea if the immense girth of the original Xbox was necessary to hold all of the hardware or something, but I will never stop making fun of it. And, of course, "hueg" is just a comical internet misspelling for "huge", because all internet memes are made by cats with wacky captions beneath them. I pity anyone who tries to learn English from reading message boards. That would be almost as absurd as learning how to fly a jet because you played a PlayStation .

Wii is for babby

The Nintendo Wii has a well-earned reputation for being made for young children and old people, two groups that normally aren’t heavily invested in video games. Even their commercials made it clear that people looking for deep and challenging games should go elsewhere. From the mostly-pointless waggle controls to dull mini-game collections to mechanics in specific games specifically designed to make them less viable for competitions , everything about the Wii screamed "casual" with the dull ferocity of Nintendo making billions. The internet was displeased, and thus, a meme was born.

And "babby" is a reference to this flash video from internet superstar Shmorky ridiculing a particularly bad Yahoo! Answer.

Trigger warning: 4chan, adultery.

PS3 has no games

The PlayStation 3 offered poor titles when the console was first launched, a blunder during a key moment in any console’s life. Call of Boredom , some Diablo clone with the Marvel license, a failed Halo competitor, and some indeterminable sports sludge. In contrast, the Sega Dreamcast launch showered us with heavenly gifts: Sonic Adventure , Soulcalibur , Power Stone , Virtua Fighter . The Super Nintendo launch was nothing but gold. But a poor selection of games for a new console can spell consumer apathy and internet ridicule. Six years later, PS3 truly has no games.

Giant Enemy Crab

The next couple entries are dedicated to Sony’s hysterically inept 2006 E3 press conference. The guy playing Genji: Days of the Blade awkwardly mumbles his commentary to the generic third-person hack-and-slash "based on Japanese history" that isn’t at all noteworthy until he mentions that there’s a battle with a monstrous giant crab. You know, because giant crabs the size of buildings exist in the real world. The internet went nuts making fun of this guy and his obvious lack of historical and biological knowledge. Many unfunny demotivators and even a couple of decent image macros were made. And, of course, there was the inevitable techno remix .

"Attack the weak point for massive damage" and "real-time weapon change" from the same stupid video also became memes, both of which were hilarious because they were game mechanics that existed since at least the mid-1980s yet were being touted as new features. Sony lied, people died.

Riiiiiiiidge Racer

I know that sequels to best-selling franchises are a big selling point, but I don’t like this one. If I wanted a realistic driving simulator sequel, I’d speak to the victims of my last DUI. Despite griping about the casualness of Wii earlier, I’d still rather put up with Mario Kart Harrison Bergeron-ing the players into milquetoast uniformity than driving an advertisement on wheels around in a circle. At least Mario Kart or F-Zero have some variety and imagination. And just listen to the guy trying to be excited about this boring game. Even the Sony fans in the audience weren’t buying it, which proves that a red-ring-of-deathed console is still right twice a day, or something.

Five Hundred and Ninety-Nine U.S. Dollars

What a bunch of maroons. No good launch games and you have to pay a year’s salary of a third-world doctor for them? Former Sony spokesman "Crazy" Ken Kutaragi even said that people should be willing to work more hours in order to afford one . Sony’s PR people are full of more broken promises than Peter Molyneux and more arrogance than League of Legends players. Hey, can you render Toy Story in real-time or jack into the Matrix yet?

One Million Troops

Wan milyun twoobs. Waaaaaaow.

I realize that making fun of a foreigner’s poor English is insulting and unfair. I would never have the patience to learn how to drive sober, let alone speak another language. But this guy talks like a person with Down Syndrome trying really really hard to sound normal. As a fellow autist, I sympathize with what it’s like to try to talk intelligibly. But unlike Sony’s goons and Microsoft’s Kinect shills, I can’t hate him. He has heart. Tak Fujii actually believes in the game he’s selling us. He’s the BillyMC of video game spokespeople. He’s not dumb, but he’s kind of off and definitely has inept social skills, as you can tell from his attempts to be an American alpha male. I haven’t even played his game but I would love to have dinner with him. He’s a cool dude, unlike that liar Kutaragi or that glorified subway groper Itagaki. I would give him wan milyun hugs.

Extreeeeeeeme.

About Lee

Lee Laughead writes stuff about video games. Read his Twitter at https://twitter.com/Mesarphelous even though Twitter sucks.