Does the Hymen Repair Itself after Sexual Abuse?

I was wondering if others had their virginity “in tact” in adulthood. I read in my early healing research that a minor medical procedure can repair the hymen. Also, I have such a clear memory of a miscarriage as a preteen so I know I wasn’t a virgin.

The type of abuse I most separated myself from was the memories of the vaginal rapes. I told myself repeatedly throughout my teens and early twenties that I was a virgin. I was the “poster child” for “waiting until marriage.” I looked for the whitest wedding gown I could find, and I only had white flowers in my bouquet. I was certain that I was a virgin.

The first time that I was “fingered,” I had very light bleeding. I would call it “staining” – nothing really heavy but definitely some blood. When I first had intercourse with hub (the first intercourse I remembered), I only saw traces of the tiniest bit of blood. I held onto those incidents as further “evidence” that I was never vaginally raped. Throughout my first 18 months of healing, I told myself repeated, “At least I was never raped.”

However, I kept having dreams/flashbacks of being raped, but I pushed them aside. I “knew” that could not be true because of the bleeding.

Some survivors are baffled by memories of repeated rapes, yet they also remember bleeding during their first conscious experience of intercourse. This would seem to imply that their hymen had not been broken. Like other genital tissue, hymens can heal and regenerate very quickly. While they may not return to their original intact shape, the regenerated hymen and scar tissue may bleed after a period of sexual inactivity.

Reading this passage forced me to face my truth.

Also, when women talk about bleeding after their first sexual experience, they generally do not get into the details of how much actual blood is involved. For all I knew, a tiny bit of staining was normal. I was truly shocked to learn that it was possible to bleed after having been raped, doubly so after being raped repeatedly over a period of years as a young child.

So, the answer to the question is yes – a hymen can regenerate after a rape and even after repeated rapes. The fact that you recover flashbacks of vaginal rapes is not inconsistent with bleeding after your first conscious sexual experience.

79 Responses

It never even dawned on me until I read this. I had to read this several times. But, when my husband and I were married, he was the first person that I had intercourse with, but I’ve never bleed, not even a tiny bit.

I don’t ever recall having a hymen. I have never really known what that was supposed to look like. I have never had a “flap of skin” like that ever. Nor have I ever bled during any sexual contact for which I am aware of in my teens and adulthood. I know it wasn’t there when I was young because once I knew what one was, I thought something was really wrong with me because I didn’t have one. I was also always very afraid of anyone seeing down there, like a doctor or whatever. I was always afraid I looked different. Like maybe they could “tell”. Like……I thought I was damaged, and yet I concealed the abuse within the alters of my existence and never really totally understood why I felt this way. I was always afraid. I was always confused. I thought my body was wrong.

Sorry, reading this has reminded me of a couple of things I have questions about. I have a memory of being at my dad’s work by a pool. Different than the one I have mentioned before. I have to go poop, but I cant because it feels like it’s trying to come out the wrong way and it hurts. Is that possible? The other question I have. My husband went through a period early in our marraige (and unfortunately he’s doing it again) where he smoked cigars. The smell is repulsive to me during sex. One night my husband initiated having sex. I was not at all interested because of the smell. But I was going to let him do it anyway. I, or rather we had a problem though, because my body would not let him go in. It was excruciatingly painful so he stopped. It’s like he was able to just get into the entrance and then that was it. Could this have been a psychological barrier I put up? What was that? The first time I consciously remember having sex I was on my period so I don’t know.

because my body would not let him go in. **It’s like he was able to just get into the entrance and then that was it. Could this have been a psychological barrier I put up?

When I read this…It was just like what I did when the person raped me at 7yrs.old or so. When I finally had consensual sex later in life…I found myself fixed on locking up my private part. Had a hard time trying to relax…so eventually I would end up faking it to just get it over with and never having an orgasm.

I have read that this is like have PTSD( post traumatic stress Ddisorder).

“The important thing to remember about flashback experiences, especially those related to abuse and rape survivors, is that they can make you feel as afraid, as helpless, and as out of control as you were during the actual trauma, even if you don’t consciously remember it. Others have the experience of losing their sense of where the flashback stops and reality begins. “

Kind of a counterpoint to this, there’s also the possibility of a doctor saying you have an intact hymen when you actually don’t. Like you, I waited until I was married to have sex, though by then I knew that I’d been raped as a child. When I went to an OB/GYN for birth control just before my wedding, I mentioned the trauma to explain why I was so nervous. During the exam, the doctor told me that she didn’t know what had happened to me as a child, but it wasn’t vaginal rape, as my hymen was still intact. Why did she think so? . . . simply because I said it hurt when she did the exam.

You have no idea the effect that had on me. I’d only just begun to accept that I’d been molested as a child, and now here was a “professional” telling me that I was wrong.

Well, I didn’t bleed on my wedding night, nor was there any trouble with intercourse, aside from the pain, which continues to this day. Last year I finally found a good OB/GYN who diagnosed me with vaginismus, a disorder often caused by rape, where the vaginal walls tense up and go into spasm at the first sign of penetration. THAT is why it hurt during the exam, and still hurts every time I have an exam even though I’m definitely no longer a virgin.

Fortunately there is physical therapy that can ease the symptoms. But I’ll never forget the emotional pain caused by that ignorant OB/GYN.

That is really interesting about vaginismus. I might have that myself. :0(

I am so sorry that you went through that. I went through something similar, only it was with a quack psychiatrist instead of a medical doctor. After talking with me for all of 20 minutes, he concluded that I was bipolar and needed lithium. Because my sister and I had no “proof” other than our memories (memories that are consistent with each other), I must have been bipolar. Jerk.

Fortunately, I had been in therapy long enough to fight back. It rocked me, but I pulled myself out of it quickly. If someone pulled that c@#$ on me today, I would get up and walk out the door.

Back to your story — It is awful that there are MDs out there who are so misinformed. Who knows how many other women assumed they were “crazy” after a similar encounter?? Thank goodness you now have a good gyno.

Thanks for addressing this topic, Faith. Somehow I managed to miss it the past few days. Possibly by design? My first memories of penetration were not vaginally. I wondered if all rape had been “that” way so there were no signs. In my adult life, I was so repulsed by the thought of people doing that intentionally.

Doctors can be so inept. They say things as fact when it is not. They place limitations on people’s healing which I think is both a sin and a tragedy. People hold their doctor’s opinions up so high they fear questioning them. Totally unrelated to abuse, I had knee surgery when I was in 10th grade. I’d been a gymnast since age 3. He told me I would not be able to engage in that activity again. I competed for my highschool as a senior. Doctor’s should never say never.

On sort of a related matter, my f*ther was most enraged in my conscious life over my dating. He once became so enraged at me for holding someone’s hand in public. I was such a shy person and a good girl. Never a reason to not trust me growing up. But he hated me then. Now I realize he was possessive like jealous. I keep wanting to know why my mother couldn’t see that…

Before my current doctor, I’d been to three or four OB/GYNs who had no clue why sex and exams were so painful for me. One promised he’d never give up until he found the cause, then after doing just one test told me that he had no idea what it could be. Another said he thought it was caused by fibromyalgia (a chronic pain disorder many survivors have) and that they couldn’t do anything for it. Another told me it was caused by constipation (?!).

But after five years I finally found someone who diagnosed the problem and sent me on for physical therapy, which made a big difference. I hope others are able to get the same help, if they need it, since it’s a problem that causes so much misery and yet it’s so easily fixed.

I did not know a hymen could heal. I was raped three years ago by my then-boyfriend when I was 15. I had to see an OB-GYN this past year because of problems with my menstral cycles and when she asked if I was a virgin I said “yes” because I had not told my parents. During the exam she said “yes you are a virgin”. I was so confused, and thought my memories must be wrong. I felt like I had lied to the few friends i had confided in. As sad as it is, I am relieved to hear that her “evidence” i was a virgin could have been mistaken because while that means that i was raped, it also means my feelings are founded on actual circumstances.

Have you talked with a therapist about the rape? I strongly suggest that you do. That rape has affected you in many ways, and those feelings will not just “go away.” You can spare yourself decades of pain if you will enter into therapy now.

Hi A year ago i went for a pelvic exam, which i refused to have do to years of physical abuse and rape. I never revealed to anyone until the i was attacked again in august of 07. Then i told the doctor who at the time seemed sympathetic. When she was examining me she said outloud to her assitant have you ever been penetrated or had sex, which impacted me so severely that i felt humilated. She said i still had a hymen, which i thought was wierd but i do remember apiece of tissue following the first assault. I thought maybe it healed becuase i hadnet been anyone in quite awhile. I glad to hear all this. I feel she thinks i made all the stuff up when she had to practicaly force me to tell her anything about it to begin with. I feel she treats me different now and i am alone in this regard.
buggybb

I know this was written a long time ago, but I just now got around to reading it.
I was sexually abused by my abuser for about thirteen yrs. Never any penetration was what I told myself. Only once he did by what he called an accident. NO bleeding. I did bleed once before when I was eight.And in my eight yr old mind, I thought it was a lot. Enough to make me feel like I was dying. I did not know I was being sexually abused at the time. I do not to this day KNOW , really know that he did. I only bled a little when I first had intercourse with husband> I always thought I was a virgin when I got married, now I do not know. My husband believes that I was a virgin when we met and is not interested in knowing whether or not my abuser did anything like intercourse.
Intercourse has always always been painful. I did not know there was help until recently. I am trying to get the courage up to call the gynecologist my therapist has recommended I go to.
Faith , I am 52 yrs old, and still have difficulty with this. Every day I tell myself to call, and every day I put it off. I know I need to, I know I have to if I ever want things better.

anyway, thank you for sharing this. it has helped me tonight to realize I am not alone.

After 8+ years of no gyne exams, I found someone compassionate to do a pelvic exam last week and went in prepared to ask questions. She was great and confirmed for me that I do have scar tissue from a vaginal rape at about age 5-7. (I did lots of prep and research, whch is documented on my blog site )
I think for sure doctors are not trained in what sexual assault damage looks like for one thing, and for another bleeding or not bleeding (I don’t think I did when I first had consensual sex) doesn’t really do much to confirm or disconfirm whether a person has a hymen. Sounds like doctors have been mistaking vaginal tightness/constriction for virginity, which are not the same thing as all. I’ve heard that is a woman is relaxed and excited enough, and given lots of opportunity to open, there would be no blood even if she hadn’t had intercourse before.
I think virginity should be counted from when we first had consensual sex anyhow.
By the way, I really appreciate your blog, Faith. It is very thought provoking, candid and well written. Thank you for writing it.
SDW

Growing up I have a memory of an old man asking and showing me to pet his mouse. As an adult it repulsed me and I described the man which she said was her gradfather ( I only described him not his actions) she told me he tried to molest her when she was a child. That was my only memory but one day while I was working I remebered the day we were at this house but inside it and I was sitting on my moms lap safely, the memory mad my body uncontrollably shake! I don’t remember anything else. And as a younge child I can remember sextual play that makes me sick that I would have thought at that age! I did bleed when I “lost my virginity”. I have amnisia to an event that my brother told my then husban about an uncle touching my breasts. Things effect me today that I don’t understand why cause I can’t remember.

I think society puts way too much emphasis on the importance of virginity. It would be one thing if no little girl was ever raped. However, with over 35 millions girls having that option taken away from them, I think it is ridiculous for society to try to shame us for something that was out of our control.

The state of your hymen is not what is important. The important part is learning how to love, accept, and value yourself as you are.

As a midwife, I will say that in the many births I have attended, there have been several where the woman’s hymen was completely intact and did not break until the baby was crowning, if then. And there was no evidence of scarring, which would typically be the case if it was broken before. The hymenal tissue is stretchy as much of the tissue in the vaginal area. There is a huge possiblilty that many women’s hymenal rings will simply not tear with intercourse. The one tiny episiotomy [still makes me shutter] that I had to perform (for the health of the baby) was for a VERY thick hymen. It would not even break with a HUGE amount of pressure given to it. These mommas (well most), who have a completely intact hymenal ring at the time of birth, have obviously had sex to become pregnant, so yes it is possible that a hymen will not break with any type of intercourse.

It can also be possible to heal those flaps back together, if it has been broken. However for some reason, the edges of this type of injury do seal up fairly quickly, leaving individual flaps of skin, in a ring formation around the vaginal opening. But with the right positioning, (ie legs clamped shut for days following an assault), it is entirely possible for the hymen to seal back together in perfect form.

So those of you who are “invalidated” by your doctor, please try not to let their igorance affect you. Tell them that they are being very insensitive and that they weren’t there, so they have no idea of what they are talking about. Most are not trained in how to provide compassionate care. And they are trained to only see the “evidence” that is right in front of their eyes, and nothing further into the situation. They also don’t allow for any variations in a person’s body structure. If you are not built in the way their models were in their education, then any differences in your own structure is discounted.

I suggest to you all, if you are unhappy with the way you are treated by a health care provider of any type, please find another one! There are thousands of us out here (especially midwives, as most of us are survivors who would rather die than allow a medical “professional” into that area of our bodies), actually ready to help! After you leave the in-compassionate doctor/practice, send them a letter (or tell them in person) exactly why you are leaving. This has a chance of allowing them to realize that they are in need of a change in their bed-side manner. And gives the next patient, who has a rape trauma that needs to be acknowledged, the chance to not be traumatize all over again with words of “discreditiation”.

i triyd fingering my anuse coz it was sensetiv to any objetc mooveing around it , and i thuat by putting my finger will eas this condtion but now i suffer lak of strenkth and arectecal diss function , and other sembtems , could i recavor my prevuse condetion and repair what ever semptoms i am sufuring after i penetrated my anal wall not to mention the lake of medecal servesec that are not avalabol were i live , i wish i could recover my prevuse condition and even the that creez that happened and made me use my finger , so i can deal with it els way , i hope u can understand my poor english and share with me ur openine ,

i was wondering about some things i hope i can find answers to. i had a very bad abuse experience that lasted for about 3 months,ithank god not more.but an abuse is an abuse no matter what.it been almost a year and a have for my last sexual abuse.no body knows about it and its making me nervous,i didnt even try going to an OB-GYN because it doesnt make me comfortable.anyway i was wondering can the hymen repair it self by this time?can i be a virgin again without any surgery or stuff?been a virgin is a big deal in our family,and this is causing me lots of stress and fear.

I am sorry for all that you endured. One incident of abuse is too many. Three months of abuse is heart-breaking.

You will need to ask a medical professional your question. I have heard that many things can tear a hymen that are not intercourse, including tampons or even horseback riding. I don’t know if those are myths or true, though.

I have a real problem with the pressure put on a woman to “be a virgin” when there is not that same pressure on a man. There is no way to tell physically whether a man is still a virgin, and with whom is he having intercourse if not with women — the same women being judged for the state of their hymens. It makes me angry that others would shame you over the state of your hymen, doubly so when it was broken through abuse. Shouldn’t the shame fall on the shoulders of your abuser?

I am sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. You might be able to find some answers from medical websites over the Internet.

There is no way to tell if a woman is a virgin or not either since the condition of the hymen is not a reliable indicator. So let’s stop this nonsense about something anatomical determining virginity. And besides, the definition of virginity is the state of not having had sex. Abuse and rape aren’t sex, they’re abuse and rape. So if you haven’t decided to have sex at some point in your life, you’re a virgin. Not that that should matter anyway, as we’ve established.

yea you are right…it makes me angry too. it is so unfair. no matter how much we as women progress but i almost always feel that this world is “male-dominating” ! that’s so frustrating.. but that’s just the way it is. thank u for your response. i will do some research maybe that will help.

yea you are right…it makes me angry too. it is so unfair. no matter how much we as women progress but i almost always feel that this world is “male-dominating” ! that’s so frustrating.. but that’s just the way it is. thank u for your response. i will do some research maybe that will help….

I feel like so much was taken away from me before I even knew what I had, you know? I was four. I didn’t know what any of that meant. I didn’t even know what sex was. I was somewhere between five and seven the first time I was actually…. you know. Before he didn’t put it in.

Back in the early 40’s I was molested by my grandfather a few times and was very traumatized by this and by the fall-out and lying and coverup. I was horribly hurt by his sodimizing me. I recovered those memories of that 5 year old child in my 40’s and 50’s. I”m now the age of my grand mother when my grandfather molested me..and more things are surfacing. My question is..something else happened to both my sister and I as young children. I remember my grandmother taking me to a doctor to see if my hymen was in tact at 11 or 12.. which it was..what she was seeking wasn’t where the damage was committed and I had no words to tell her nor memory at that time. But..was there a practice of repairing damage to very young girls who had been damage back even in the 40’s& 50’s??? My sister and both had very very difficult hymens to break at first intercourse in the 60’s. Was something done to us as very young children to cause this extremely tough hymen? We always wondered.. My sister insists she was never molested..but who knows?

This is slightly off topic I know. When I was 14 I was raped by my then boyfriend. I know for a fact I did not bleed and had no sexual encounters of any form including fingering before hand. It has been a little over 2 years now and I have recently started having consensual sex with my boyfriend. I bled a tiny bit after the 3rd 4th and 5th time. I know I want it and I know that my body wants it but it still hurts after the 5th time. Is it possible I have some scar tissue?

I was raped when I was seven, and continually endured severe sexual abuse, but my hymen/vaginal tissue managed to grow back. It grew back so tightly, that I couldn’t even use tampons for many years. I too, wanted to believe I was a virgin, when I really knew deep down, the bitter truth.

I’ll never forget the first time I chose to be with someone. His name was Tim, and I had told him about being abused. When we were together, I had bled. I couldn’t understand how that could have happened since I was sexually abused. Now I understand.

Lillelle, I’m 63 and the same thing happened to me, but it’s no game. Don’t try to force yourself to remember. When you feel safe enough for the memories to come they will. Remembering is power. Just be patient.

I have no memories of being sexually abused, but I’ve had ‘feelings’ like very strong emotional triggers, nightmares, phantom memories that don’t make sense at all and a complex form of PTSD. As a teenager i couldn’t use any tampons and my first consentual sexual experience was extremely bloody and the hymen still didn’t break. Now I’m almost 40 yrs I am still in doubt because I have no memories, so after googleling hymen regeneration I found this blog and read all your replies. After reading Ava’s reply it confirms my inner knowing there was a reason my hymen was so tight. The thing I’m stil wondering about is it normal to have no memories at all, or does it mean I was so young (under the age of 3) I couldn’t even verbalise it. I know it’s psychologically normal to block these memories, but is it also age related? It feels like I was too young to understand what was happening and I can’t reach the point of trauma in order to heal it.
I have had anxiety and the first memories of PTSD symptoms from the age of 6 and have been cast off as someone who is overdramatic and exaggerating. Even though I know better, I still feel like a weak person because it stil influences my daily life and have not been able to have a relationship with a partner I feel safe with , even though I have come a long way in healing the PTSD and my self-esteem. I wonder if it’s possible to heal and leave it behind me when I don’t have the memories to deal with it.
Thank you all for sharing and for the opportunity to verbalize the questions I have kept for myself all these years.

From the numerous experiences I have read about, the age of six seems to be the “magic age” for when the memories are more likely to be repressed. So, you could have been three but could have been an old as six for the memories to repress fully.

My experience was that I had to “invite” the memories out. I consciously chose to remember. It took weeks of being determined to remember, no matter how bad it was, before my subconscious started to release the memories through flashbacks.

People who have been sexually assaulted whether at a young age or not, often experience PTSD. Also, the inability to remember has more to do with how memories are formed and forgotten. You may have body memory or situational memory, but not recall the exact details of what happened. There methods to allow the memories to resurface if that is what you want to do. Remembering the full blown incident may not be completely necessary to your recovery.

I’m not an expert, but I think it depends on the person. I think a hymen that is strong in the first place is more likely to sit back in the position it’s used to and thus heal up if there’s no strenuous activity soon after it’s broken. But each person is different.

I’m really not sure how to feel about this. I know my father sexually abused me for most of my childhood and I have several sense memories of penetrative rape but I saw an OB/GYN once when I was eighteen and just starting to suspect the abuse and she told me my hymen was partially intact, open “big enough for a finger, but not a penis” (also, it hurt a lot). I also know that it can break partially due to sports, but since I have essentially no memories from before age fifteen I don’t know if it ever broke and bled or not. I have never had consensual sex so I don’t know what the situation is now.

I always remember that doctor visit and it confuses me so much because it seems unlikely that my father would rape me for over a decade and NOT do that particular act. He did everything else. But by remembering what that doctor said I can keep telling myself either that he didn’t do that so it “wasn’t really rape”, or even that I am delusional about the entire thing, since of course this doctor knows better than I do.

This has been one of the most confusing parts of my recovery process and reading this I just feel more confused.

hello..i am v tensed about my problem that i was waxed my underlegs on 5th day of periods on that day i felt that my hole open injured is my seal open by wax it possible? i am not yet married so iam v conscious about it please tell me i was already consult best gynechologist but she told me that there is nothing but i feel that my hole open , before waxing i was feeling pain during periods but after that there is no pain

Hi Sara. I’m not an expert, but my understanding is that the strength and stretch (and presence/absence) of the hymen varies a huge amount from person to person. If the waxing was especially painful, perhaps causing your legs/pelvis to jerk awkwardly while it was happening, it could break it. Also a waxing done roughly could break it through movement of the surrounding skin, if it wasn’t strong to begin with. However, this may not be the case. Remember that the breaking of the hymen is not (except in very very rare cases) a serious event; it is only meaningful to some people for emotional or cultural reasons. Medically it’s not considered to be important. If you feel that your body has changed, it may well have done, and a gynaecologist may not find it easy to figure out or have much interest in doing so, depending on their professional priorities. Alternatively it could have torn partially, giving you a different feeling but not appearing much different to look at. If you can self-examine using a mirror, that may help. Otherwise, just be good to yourself and remember that there is great variation from person to person; there is no “right way” to be down there. If it has changed and that upsets you, give yourself time to come to terms with it; if it’s important to you then it’s important. Best wishes.

I was date raped. It was actually my first time to “have sex”. I only had a little blood. I was clueless. I didn’t wanna have sex, especially didn’t wanna deal with rape for my first time. I really dunno what normal is. What is a first time supposed to be like? After it happened, I was curious why I only bled a little but I was more in shock of what happened to worry about anything else. Turns out I repressed a moment in my preteen life where a girl thought I needed to know “what it felt like to have sex with a guy.” I still cant deal with that moment… focusing on the date rape at the moment. But what is supposed to be normal? I have no clue. Sorry. I’m talking in circles now.

My hymen never broke after years of rape and objects being forced up there, etc. It was very thin but stretchy as hell. I could in fact pull it out of my body by looping it around my finger. It would get caught on tampons and sometimes during sex would pull and cause horrible pain. I had a partial hymenectomy in my mid-20’s. I want to agree with others on this post that gynecologists really don’t notice anything or know what they’re looking at. I brought up that my hymen was still in tact and that I wanted it to break because I wasn’t a virgin anymore (by a long-shot) and it was causing me pain. They never noticed before that the speculum was getting caught on it (I could feel that it was!) and they’d make comments like, “are you always this dry?” and then correct themselves (dryness was not the problem), saying, “well, not dry but it’s so difficult to get the speculum in”…
Shouldn’t they see and know what’s really going on with your hymen?
Anyway.
I got the hymen removed…after that I had my first experience with sex without it with my first caring, consensual relationship so I consider THAT my real first time. It did feel new and special because I chose it…since I requested to have my hymen removed, it was like I got a second chance to decide when I want to lose my virginity- NOT to have it ripped away from me!! My first sex after that was with someone I chose and he is still my boyfriend now.

When I turned 18, my mum told me that I was raped. She said that she had to tell me something and I though that the thing wasn’t going to be something serious. Me, my mum and dad, my big sister lived in my uncle’s house since my mother didn’t have enough money. My uncle took drugs and that, he’s been taking them all his life, I was only a little baby and I was lying in my cot in one of the rooms. My mum said that she came to check on me and blood was over the sheets in my cot, my mum tried to confront him but he could not remember anything because he was drugged up. The thing that makes me sick is that he would take me to school and everything (I know this because of pics of us, now the pictures are ripped up to pieces) and he even give me Christmas and Birthday card with kisses and lots of love, bastard (excuse ny lanage). All I know that my uncle R (his brother) chased him down the street with an knife or something. Am now 21 and I don’t know if I have been raped or not, I breaks my heart that I will never know the truth. My mum thinks she understands how I feel but clearly she doesn’t, my dad will not believe my mum because it’s his brother and my dad said he would never do anything like that, yeah right. I really want to speak to my gran about it but thats her son and she has enough problems already. Do you think I should speak to my uncle R about it? I don’t know what to do or think, I don’t think my mum would lie about something like that, I would kill her if she was, Am in a serious relationship and I had sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, it really hurt the first time and I even have to admit that I cried because of the pain, is it possible that my hymen didn’t break if I was raped, because I could of been in pain because of the hymen breaking for the first time, I didn’t bleed while/after intercourse, it just took me awhile to want to try and have sex again. when I went for a pelvic examination I found it really painful and sore, my stomach was very sore afterwards. It is always on my mind and I feel sick and frustrated of trying to understand it in my mind and not getting anywhere, I am so glad that am writing this because first of all to ease it of my mind and to try and understand it more since it’s in written but I still don’t. Wish it would all go away.

Hi. Just a quick reply as I’m a bit frazzled. It is possible that your hymen was broken and healed up again; mine actually healed to the point of being very strong, which was kind of crazymaking; received “wisdom” about the hymen meant I spent years in denial about what had happened. Anyway, the point is, there in nothing in what you say to make what your mum said impossible, as far as I can see. It would be a seriously weird thing to make up. It’s pretty shocking that she would stay in contact with someone who would do something like that, too. Though my Dad stays in touch with my rapist (she’s his daughter). Ugh, complicated. Getting away from the lot of them was what worked for me; in time you’ll figure out what’s right for you, too.

Thank you for the reply. It must of repair its self which is quite weird in a way, Yes that’s what am saying to myself too “I don’t think that she would lie about something so serious like that” Yes I strongly agree about the staying in touch thing but as long as I don’t meet him/see him then that’s fine with me. Me and my family don’t get along anyway so I don’t really care to be honest. That’s what am trying to do now, am looking for a flat with my boyfriend as soon as I get out of that house I will feel more free than I do right now but this will always stay with me for life and that’s quite scary for me. Thanks again from Michelle

I first started being abused by the family friend at the age of 4, I think it stopped at about age 7. It started with just basic molestation but eventually by primary school he raped me. I can only remember one incident so far (I’m 32 and have only been remembering for 2 years), but if my other memories are anything to go by, he had no boundaries and did many things many times. My sister was also there at some point. We were abused in front of each other.
Oh, and do you know how this evil man lied? He told my parents he was praying with me, and sometimes he would and then he’d molest or rape me!
Something my councillor told me is that we are all victims: me, my sister, and my parents. Because he lied to and manipulated us all.

I don’t remember any vaginal bleeding. The only time my vagina has ever bled was when I fell off my bicycle as a kid and there was a great impact there and I limped all the way home. I didn’t bleed my first time having chosen sex as an adult either. From what everyone else has written, I might still have a hymen!

I have Post traumatic stress disorder, if I remember my abuse my vagina starts cramping and it hurts. If men even just flirt or make suggestive comments towards me, my vagina started burning and stinging. I’ve struggled with this since my first chosen sex. Since I remembered- it got so bad I had to use all sorts of products for months! All I can say is, I had to treat my emotions and not just the symptoms. I was taking super expensive pills and nothing worked because the issues was not physical but emotional. My body was trying to make sure that men wouldn’t touch me there again.

I have a question:
I’m not angry at ‘him’. I’m scared.
He’s a little famous, so I found pictures of him and tried to feel anger, but I feel NOTHING! Is this normal? I’d much rather feel anger at him than let out my anger where it doesn’t belong, like in the work place.

I think that that’s one of the many responses that could be considered “normal”. I found that my anger tended to be displaced. I later realised that that was because if I directed it towards the people who were really responsible for what happened to me, it would reach an almost homicidal strength. I don’t quite trust myself not to break their necks, and my fear of the consequences if I did what I wanted to to them blocked my anger towards them, which led to it spilling out in the wrong places. Now I don’t feel that any less, but I stay away from them to keep myself out of jail.

Whether that’s anything like your experience or not, I think your feelings are understandable; recovery is very complicated sometimes.

Thank you Jan for responding. I’m finding it very reassuring to know that what I’m going through is normal.
For the first few months of remembering I felt like an alien had inserted itself into my body, but upside down and back to front.

Realy, am not a woman and realy dnt know how it feels to be raped. But I know ssexual abuse like other forms of abuse is quite traumatic and leads to a lot of self denial. So I encourage anyone reading this and is having issues to ensure they visit a good therapist. Ask the nearest social worker around you for the address of a gud one.

Also try to accept the truth as quickly as possible as self acceptance is the key to ur true emotional healing.

Ur present sexual partner also plays a role. One thing I know that women sexual arousal are more psychological than physical. ​​U̶̲̥̅̊ av to make him understand that and if he really works hard at arousing ​​U̶̲̥̅̊ pssychologically, its gonna go a long way in helping ur body overcome d initial trauma.

If you ever need someone to talk to, especially when you want to be anonymous, ​​U̶̲̥̅̊ can email me internetiyke @ facebook.com.

ok so maybe someone here can explain this to me. i am 15 years old. i was raped when i was 9. i dont know the man who did it but i have been going to counceling for it because i have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). i realized that my hymen is still intact, why? doesnt your hymen break when something like that happens? my boyfriend of 2 months raped me and i ended up getting pregnant. i had a miscariage and was too afraid to go to a doctor because i feel that something is wrong with me because my hymen is still intact after being raped twice. did my hymen repair itself? i cant even use tampons and i am really confused…

ohhh……….i was really looking forward to share this terrible moment with somebody. I was on my second date along with my boyfriend in a hotel. When he asked me to have sex i got ready since even i was also very curious to make him happy because he was a bit rude to me. Initially he tried a lot but i was seriously very tight so he coudnt but after 12 hours he again tried and succeed to that. And i experienced a lots of bleeding for almost two to three days. Seriously it was a very painful experience. Now the thing that is puzzling me is that hymen repairs itself after sometimes. Plzzzzzzzzzzzzz i really want to know…

same question with you monika,my boyfriend force me to enter his on mine,i fight with all i can but hes stronger than me. he forcefully want to get my virginity that time,but then,when he enter(maybe a half of his),she stop after he saw a little blood on his organ head.i feel a little bit pain when he enter his on mine.
i really cried that night after going home.because i’m thinking i’m ruined already.i’m reserving my virginity to my future husband not to a boy friend.
it was only happens once,never repeated again,because i promise myself never do it again
afterward,i went to ob-gyne,the doctor told me that i lost my hymen,but never my vagina wasn’t even touch,or never been entered.in short ,the doctor says i’m a virgin,but my hymen is lost.i hope my hymen will rebullt itself soon.

i 24 yrs have undergone sex with my boyfriend sooooo many times as he have been forcing me that promise on relationship and all but lastly he draped me in sex a lot of times but now he left me however 1 day i should get marry to some one i am very much scare that i am not a virgin now and how my future husband will react on me if he will not feel intact while doing sex with me by thinking this i feel so shame on myself that why i have did such nude things

i’m 25 now n i had two boyfriend since i was 17.first bf forced me to do sex, i was not aware of wht he was doing as i’m a hindu.the 2nd bf n i were very happy with each other n having continous sex but he went nuts n, physically as well as mentally abused me hit me in public thn i had to leave him.now i met a guy who’s humble,decent nice with whom i really love n he loves me back also, he’s gonna marry me also but he believes strongly in virginity.n d most important thing is he’s a virgin as i know from his friends n family.he believes tht being a hindu i must b virgin which i’m not n also i dont want to leave him n i want to spend my life with him.
so my question is does my vagina get repair after 1 or 2 yr?i’ve not done sex since 13 months.so tht i can bleed on my first night with him.
i bled while i was wid my 2nd bf i dont know why? it was b’coz of his large penis or really my hymen broke i didnt know at all.but wid my 1st bf it really never happened anything to me.
pls pls pls somebd ans me regarding this i’m so confused.i cant leave him b’coz of this.

If it’s any help, some women don’t bleed at all when they have sex for the first time. Some people emphasise bleeding, but it’s not necessarily something that happens. Also, there can be so little blood that it just gets smeared around during sex and cannot be seen. It’s unfortunate that the bleeding has acquired a sort of ritual status, though understandable I suppose. I can’t really give you any more advice than that as in my culture virginity is mostly either disregarded or thought of negatively, so I’m not sure how I would proceed. There may be more help available elsewhere online though as I understand that your problem is not uncommon.

i am 24year old old and got sexually abused with my boy friend for 3-4 years now he left me his penis was so big and my body has lost its elastisity now my parents planning for my marrige with in a year as no body knows about my abuse matter
i am much more worried my condition
as i was also having feelings to do sex with him i dont know that same the feelings in my body to satisfy my future husband will be apearing again or not
i just dont want the up comming man to suffer because of me i get much anger on myself now after all happend the bull shit
please jan give some idea what i to do

Ok, sorry, I only drop in occasionally and I’ve only just seen this. Firstly, try not to be angry with yourself; what has happened has happened, and your previous boyfriend was involved too, so no way should you be shouldering the blame for any future problems. However, you may not have any problems with your future husband. It sounds to me that what you’re worried about is loss of tone inside the vagina. That is nowhere near as big a problem as some people seem to think, because the vagina is not structured like an elastic band, it’s a set of muscles like the muscles in your arms and legs, just on the inside. Although the fact that they’re not visible can make it seem very mysterious and difficult, it is just as possible and quite easy to exercise them, and it may be that you notice no difference with future partners. For exercises, this should help:

I hope that I’ve got the gist of your concern. I would say that as regards the vagina and surrounding area, a lot of “received wisdom” seems to be just plain wrong. The responsiveness of your genitalia, their tone, how much or little they hurt during penetrative sex, everything, can vary enormously and for little apparent reason. Try not to worry about being haunted by your past experiences, because you can’t know how things would have been otherwise. Easier said than done, I know! Genitally, things vary too much from person to person and within one person’s lifetime to give concerns about how things “should be” that much weight.

If you’re worried about not having a hymen and your husband noticing; plenty of women are born without them. I’m not advocating lying per se, but I don’t know what your options are where you live, so if it makes sense to you and keeps you safer than you might otherwise be you could say that you’ve never had one.

It’s a stressful situation. After a lot of thought, I decided honesty is the best policy and to accept the situation for what it is. I’ve been on my own for a long time, focusing on healing the wounds, and it has been good to take the time to do that. The physical wound is faster to heal than the emotional, psychological, spiritual etc. I decided that I could only re-marry, if my new husband knew all the terrible things that happened to me. Interacting with this blog community, has been helpful for me, to find out that there do exist people who can handle my story without turning away from me, or thinking bad of me. That’s the kind of people I’d like to spend my life with. Not someone I’m scared will reject me if they ‘really’ knew me.

I think that’s a very healthy attitude, but then it’s one I share so I guess I would! I can’t tell where people live though, so I don’t know whether commenters are in danger of getting into trouble for having been abused, which some people still do even where I live in the UK, where sexual abuse is recognised and talked about. Marrying someone that you can’t trust with the truth is a bad idea for anyone, I think, but I don’t know what the context and other options are for anyone who isn’t from a roughly similar background to myself, and I think present personal safety has to come first.

am margg,
i was raped when i was about 7 to 8 years.the incident occurred like three times.but since then,i have not had consensual sex.am 22 years now.but when i was 21 ,my boyfriend fingered me.i have never experience any blood stain even after the rapings.do u think my hymen has been broken?

Hello everyone,
my name is Zack and im male and i know its not going to mean much but i wanted to say how sorry i am to have heard all of this. This horrific issue is far too prevalent. i have read each post and i wanted to say despite what others may think, i believe that a woman should still be considered a virgin if it was abuse. “abuse and rape are not sex”. Sex should come from the heart, so to speak, and as such, should only ever be done with someone you love. or, at the very least, someone you are attracted to.
Rape is inexcusable.

I recently found out that i know someone who was abused as such and its truely struck my heart, as i love her dearly. Ive lived through her memories – pure torture and it still hurts me now. Of course, i dont expect it to compare to the real thing. in fact, its impacted me so much im writing this… my first ever print on the internet. i dont even have facebook. sorry…went off track. but anyway, i was her councellor…her best friend, her confidant, and i know how much i helped her and i urge everyone else who has ever been hurt to step forward! speak up and talk to someone because there is no shame! only for the sick b*****ds who did it. it helps to talk about it, to remember. To remember so you can forget and move on with your life. dont let it rule your life, you only get one and it should not be wasted because of some lowlife scum. i dont care what religions say like you will be rewarded in the next life and im sorry if i offend you, thats not the intention but there is no guarantee. i dont care if you are 8, 18 or 80! just get up off your seat, do what needs to be done and if anything in the world is bothering you, TELL SOMEONE! tell a councellor, your best friend, a stranger, your parents! dont suffer because you dont need to! you dont deserve to. And by no means should you. i hate the thought of good people being hurt… and i know nobody should “hate” but sometimes, its unavoidable when a feeling is so strong, so i hope you forgive my tone.
one day ill be more than i am today and i will dedicate my life so that one day such things will be unheard of. i will only apologise one last time to say that i wasn’t able to do so sooner (im 19.. IQ of 188 and heading for Uni later this year). Please, have faith that one day, there will be a brighter, safer future for every child.

My final note is just to say this post is for anyone out there ashamed at whats happened to them, scared, or confused, or simply disgusted. remember, it wasnt your fault. Nobody judges you.

Hi, my name is Grace. When I was 15 yrs old I was molested by a family member at several occasions and one day I bled a little bit due to penetration with fingers. There’s never been penetration with a penis though and to this day I’ve never had proper sex. I’m now 20 yrs old and I want to know if I’m still a virgin.

i sex with my boyfriend continiously one year and after that he leave me..and now 2 years have passed for all this now i want to marry but the problem is that i am worried about vaginal bleeding or tightning…if i married and sex with my husband then he feel my vagina is not tight(or ye k usy pta to ni chly ga k men ny kbi ksi k sath sex kia hy or 2 sal hogy men ny ab sex ni kia to kia meri vagina pehly ki trha tight hogi or bleeding zrori hoti hy hr lrki ko jb 1st time sex hota hy).plz give me athentic answer with the refrence of book..reply me as soon as possible

l was raped just recently by a stranger.l felt pains and hurt inside that when sitting and don’t take care l will feel the pains.and when he did that l bled.so does it means that l have lost my virginity.and when it reach the day he did that to me my vagina hurts a lot why.l like wat u are doing for rape victims