Only a matter of time. You just cannot be as mean as I am to people and not have some sort of repercussion.

The strep throat was moving along quite nicely. I know that I did get some sort of little cold on top of it all so I was battling the sore throat thing and the chest congestion and the head cold and the fever. Whatever. Give me my bed, a t.v., and my computer, and I can do it. Yesterday I was out of bed and full of beans. Sort of. I made it to Baltimore for a meeting. Thought I was well on the road to recovery. And then, this happens.

I wake up and half my face is frozen. I can’t close my left eye and the left side of my mouth is, well, dead. I’m freaking out. I call the doctor and they were like, “You better come in right away.” So I did. Let’s switch to conversation mode now.

Dr Hot-but-gay: “You have Bell’s Palsy.”
Velvet: (Swearing I Heard Pot Belly.) “Uh, what?”
Dr. HBG: “It’s not bad - it’s going to go away. 98% of all cases disappear. You seem to not have it completely, so we’ll put you on steroids and an anti-viral medicine and go from there.”
Velvet: “Great, but I’m still on antibiotics. Can I take all that together?”
Dr. HBG: “Yes, finish the antibiotics. This is like a virus, and it’s causes are unknown, but stems from a virus that will remind you of having the chicken pox again.”
Velvet: (getting ready to confess Velvet family secret.) “Uh, I never had the pox.”
Dr. HBG (unfazed) “Ok, well, it’s sort of like that. Now, let’s talk about causes. One would be Lyme disease. Two would be HIV.”
Velvet: “Holy shit.”
Dr. HBG: Uh, ok, is there something to worry about?”
Velvet: “Isn’t there always? Anyway, I definitely don’t have Lyme disease, so, by process of elimination I have HIV?”
Dr. HBG: “We should test you. This test is pretty accurate with about a 4 week window. We’ll also send out a more rapid test that basically has zero window.”
Velvet: “Great.”

So, I’m in the waiting room sweating. What if I have HIV? Who would I make my first call to? Who would be the lucky person on the receiving end of “You know how I’ve been so bad all these years???” Well, there you go. I called Holly.

Holly: “Velvet, if I don’t have HIV, then you definitely don’t have it.”
Velvet: “It really doesn’t work that way.”
Holly: “Look, I’m just saying, I don’t know why he told you that - I can’t find any evidence of this online.”
Velvet: “Well they said 15 minutes. I’m sweating over here.”
Holly: “It’s ok. You are going to be fine.

At that point the Lab Tech came in and said the words those of us who live oh so recklessly are ecstatic to hear: “Your test is negative. Definitely negative.”

So I’m waltzing over to CVS in a daze, playing with my face, trying to contort it into some of the expressions you see on the homeless people, and my phone rings. I don’t recognize the number, but I pick it up. Back to convo-mode.

Girl: “Hi, this is Tanya and I found your number in my boyfriend’s phone.”

Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding. What do we have here? I have NEVER received a call like this, although I have heard of them being made.

Velvet: “Uh, what is your boyfriend’s name?”
Tanya: “Mike.”
Velvet: “Okaaaaaay….”
I’m racking my brain, but in all my dating, I don’t know of a Mike. I mean, not a relevant one who would have my number in his phone.
Tanya: “Maybe he dialed a wrong number. You’re not part of a motorcycle group, are you?”
Velvet: “Well, this is interesting, I did just get my license. But no, I don’t know anyone named Mike. What’s his last name?”
Tanya: “Jones.”
Velvet: “What?”
Tanya: (laughing) “Well, he’s not THE Mike Jones.”
(I don’t even know who the REAL MIKE JONES is to whom she is referring.)
Tanya: “Well, I’m sorry I bothered you. Maybe he called a wrong number.”
Velvet: “Look, I appreciate what you are doing, and I would probably do the same thing if I was trying to catch someone in a big fat lie.” (No I wouldn’t. Who am I kidding? I could not care less.)
Tanya: “Thank you for understanding.”
Velvet: “Good luck.”

How odd was that? She also gave me his phone number and I don’t have a number like that in my phone. Has my dating finally come full circle and someone’s girlfriend is now after me? Okay, but I can’t fight with the left side of my face though!!

I doubt that either God or Karma would be cruel enough to freeze your face and sic ex-girlfriends on you in the same day. I do think it would be cool if you learned to wink in Morse code to compensate for the immobility.