Bin Laden

Osama bin Laden was just like you and me. Wait. No. What I meant to say is that, you’re no different than Osama bin Laden. NO! No, that’s not it. Okay, let me start over.

Oh the naughty things that happen behind those walls

Osama bin Laden’s penis. It existed. So does yours. If you were born with one. Or if yours wasn’t lost in a horrible accident that you have changed the details of to sound much tougher than we all really know it was. The point is, Osama bin Laden was a man, a terror man, but a man none the less, and as such, he had a collection of pornography that “consists of modern, electronically recorded video and is fairly extensive”. Or so says Reuters. That’s right, when he wasn’t plotting ways to terrorize otherwise peace loving citizens of the world, he was terrorizing his Jihad junk, in what I can only imagine were dry, sandy, angry sessions of joyless, medically prescribed masturbation sessions. Mostly because when I try to think of it any other way, my brain turns off to protect me from myself and I wake up several hours later in a pool of what ever was in me before I went out.

It’s always a surprise inside the dirty dirty burqa!

Of course this is the main reason I hope I’m not killed in a raid on my compound by highly trained military personnel… The embarrassing shit of mine they’ll find… And because I mostly haven’t done anything to warrant such action against me, but mostly because of the embarrassing thing…

But not surprisingly to those who know and understand us by now, we at Van Full of Candy have been able to obtain a list of the confiscated collection through one of our MANY friends in the special operations fields of our nation’s armed forces. We’re big with people who can murder you almost accidentally. So VFoC is proud to present just a very small sampling of some of Osama bin Laden’s personal compound stash entitled: “Osama bin Jackin’: The Pornographic Diary of a Big Terrorist’s “Little Terrorist”‘s Mind.”

“Adiba Does Abbottabad”

In the dusty footsteps of the ongoing saga of the ever popular “Debbie Does Dallas” series, Malik Productions introduces the latest Middle East version. Filmed on location in Abbottabad, this latest chapter follows the sexcapades of a young, hot, rogue, lady of the night as she explores as many Pakistani army men as one desert-hooker can possibly handle, and with a surprise ending that will leave you breathless and sandy in your crevices.

Starring: Foxy Fadiyah, Big Bahir, Ishaq and Salim Stone

“Over Privileged Infidel Cows Gone Wild”

It’s Spring Break and the painted whores of the decadent west are AT IT AGAIN! See them prance about, baring their disgusting flesh for the lascivious enjoyment of the gathered throngs… and YOU! Then, when they get back to the hotel, see ’em defiling their bodies, wantonly dishonoring their families and ancestors ALL, NIGHT, LONG!

Starring: The yellow haired hussy, the ginger whore, that one who does that horrible thing in the shower and a cast of hundreds of sub human dogs.

“The Towers Twins Explode (Squirter Edition)”

Those hot, sexy, twins of the desert, Pixi Towers and Candy Towers are at it once again! In some of the hottest scenes ever captured on a magic carpet, these girls will blow your mind while they blow their geysers. So sit back, relax, throw on your snorkel gear and grab a seriously absorbent towel, cause it’s about to get explodingly wet up in here!

They may be 72 virgins, but you wouldn’t know it by how hot the action is! After exploding himself in a glorious attack on a food court full of non-believers, Yakish Al Kahwai awakens to find he’s late to the party and his 72 ladies have started without him! How will he ever catch up, he’s only got… ETERNITY!

If you’re a fan of glory holes, then this is the movie for you. Three possibly beautiful women show up where you would least expect and many lucky little Jihadists get t0 explore their Glory Burqa. You never know what the heck is underneath, it’s the Russian Roulette of oral indulgence, but all you need to know is that this is the most orgasmic Burqa flick you’ll ever lay eyes on, not that that even matters since you can’t see them.

When you’re battling along side fellow Jihadists in the most inaccessible mountains in the world for decades on end, you develop a bond, closer than friends, deeper than brothers, hotter than lovers. It gets hot in the caves of Afghanistan, and when the sun goes down, so does Fareed.

Osama bin Laden was just like you and me. Wait. No. What I meant to say is that, you’re no different than Osama bin Laden. NO! No, that’s not it. Okay, let me start over.

Oh the naughty things that happen behind those walls

Osama bin Laden’s penis. It existed. So does yours. If you were born with one. Or if yours wasn’t lost in a horrible accident that you have changed the details of to sound much tougher than we all really know it was. The point is, Osama bin Laden was a man, a terror man, but a man none the less, and as such, he had a collection of pornography that “consists of modern, electronically recorded video and is fairly extensive”. Or so says Reuters. That’s right, when he wasn’t plotting ways to terrorize otherwise peace loving citizens of the world, he was terrorizing his Jihad junk, in what I can only imagine were dry, sandy, angry sessions of joyless, medically prescribed masturbation sessions. Mostly because when I try to think of it any other way, my brain turns off to protect me from myself and I wake up several hours later in a pool of what ever was in me before I went out.

It's always a surprise inside the dirty dirty burqa!

Of course this is the main reason I hope I’m not killed in a raid on my compound by highly trained military personnel… The embarrassing shit of mine they’ll find… And because I mostly haven’t done anything to warrant such action against me, but mostly because of the embarrassing thing…

But not surprisingly to those who know and understand us by now, we at Van Full of Candy have been able to obtain a list of the confiscated collection through one of our MANY friends in the special operations fields of our nation’s armed forces. We’re big with people who can murder you almost accidentally. So VFoC is proud to present just a very small sampling of some of Osama bin Laden’s personal compound stash entitled: “Osama bin Jackin’: The Pornographic Diary of a Big Terrorist’s “Little Terrorist”‘s Mind.”

“Adiba Does Abbottabad”

In the dusty footsteps of the ongoing saga of the ever popular “Debbie Does Dallas” series, Malik Productions introduces the latest Middle East version. Filmed on location in Abbottabad, this latest chapter follows the sexcapades of a young, hot, rogue, lady of the night as she explores as many Pakistani army men as one desert-hooker can possibly handle, and with a surprise ending that will leave you breathless and sandy in your crevices.

Starring: Foxy Fadiyah, Big Bahir, Ishaq and Salim Stone

“Over Privileged Infidel Cows Gone Wild”

It’s Spring Break and the painted whores of the decadent west are AT IT AGAIN! See them prance about, baring their disgusting flesh for the lascivious enjoyment of the gathered throngs… and YOU! Then, when they get back to the hotel, see ’em defiling their bodies, wantonly dishonoring their families and ancestors ALL, NIGHT, LONG!

Starring: The yellow haired hussy, the ginger whore, that one who does that horrible thing in the shower and a cast of hundreds of sub human dogs.

“The Towers Twins Explode (Squirter Edition)”

Those hot, sexy, twins of the desert, Pixi Towers and Candy Towers are at it once again! In some of the hottest scenes ever captured on a magic carpet, these girls will blow your mind while they blow their geysers. So sit back, relax, throw on your snorkel gear and grab a seriously absorbent towel, cause it’s about to get explodingly wet up in here!

They may be 72 virgins, but you wouldn’t know it by how hot the action is! After exploding himself in a glorious attack on a food court full of non-believers, Yakish Al Kahwai awakens to find he’s late to the party and his 72 ladies have started without him! How will he ever catch up, he’s only got… ETERNITY!

If you’re a fan of glory holes, then this is the movie for you. Three possibly beautiful women show up where you would least expect and many lucky little Jihadists get t0 explore their Glory Burqa. You never know what the heck is underneath, it’s the Russian Roulette of oral indulgence, but all you need to know is that this is the most orgasmic Burqa flick you’ll ever lay eyes on, not that that even matters since you can’t see them.

When you’re battling along side fellow Jihadists in the most inaccessible mountains in the world for decades on end, you develop a bond, closer than friends, deeper than brothers, hotter than lovers. It gets hot in the caves of Afghanistan, and when the sun goes down, so does Fareed.

It almost looks like a question mark if you kinda squint and cock your head and don’t know what a question mark looks like…

Ya know, that CNN seems like a nice kid. They try to play it down the middle as much as they can, which unfortunately makes them less popular than their more opinionated, shouty news brothers. You don’t want to hang out with the guy who can listen, hear and understand both sides of the argument and attempt to offer you more information so that you can then make up your own mind based on the facts given to you. You want someone to yell in your face how the other guys want to murder your grandparents, using your children as weapons or how those guys over there are fucking idiots and want to give all of your money to big corporations so that they can buy the children of the poor with which to beat your grandparents to death.

CNN just wants you to know what’s going on.

But sometimes CNN doesn’t have all the answers. And it’s kind of a dick move for you to always expect them to. Any time you check in on the CNN website you’ll no doubt find the columns littered with headlines ending in a squiggly little “huh” period. So I thought I would help a brutha out. It was kind of a crazy news weekend, so I thought I would give something back and answer some of the questions they have on their home page.

Now, I’m a pretty busy guy myself. I’ve got… You know… That one thing that I said I should be doing. I probably won’t do it, but I might. I mean I could. So while I’m going to answer the questions on CNN’s home page, I’m not actually going to read any more of the article. Clearly CNN is just asking me these questions, expecting I should have some sort of fore knowledge, and I don’t want to look like a fucking idiot in front of CNN. So as I am asked, I will simply answer to the best of my ability and hope it’s what CNN was looking for. If not why ask me in the first fucking place?

Well, there’ve been a lot of bin Laden photos released over the years. In fact your face is covered in ’em right now. But I assume that’s not what you meant. You’re trying to seem somewhat respectable when you ask me if the administration is going to show you Osama B’s ventilated cranium. I really couldn’t say if there’ll be any assassination porn handed our to any journo who can type with one hand, but probably. Hell, it didn’t take a day for people to already start calling bullshit on the whole thing and kicking up the conspiracy theories, asking where the body is like it’s up to Obama to hit a forty-eight state tent tour offering anyone who’s got the constitution and the steely resolve a chance to see the body of the terror man for one, measly, solitary quarter. That’s right folks, one quarter of a dollar gets you a peek at the tower toppler himself, laid out for all your approvalry! Toss in another two bits and Barry’ll prop ‘im up and take your picture with him lookin’ like he’s suckin’ you off in his stars and stripes head wrap! Step right up!

Bin Laden celebrations ‘overboard’?

Well, we are partyin’ for those who can not be here with us to party down. So how much is overboard? But speaking of “overboard”, I thought that sounded like a “Weekend at Bernie’s” sequel title, upon a google search it seems that I’m mistaken, but clearly, a missed opportunity, both for the movie making industry, and the Navy SEALs. Though, who knows how many camera phones are going to be locked away in time capsules by a group of brave soldiers who actually know how to keep their mouths shut? I’m sorry, that was a question, go on CNN, you were asking…

Will the Taliban make peace now?

Oh CNN, sweet, stupid CNN. Yes, the Taliban will most certainly make peace, so long as “peace” is the name of the next crudely assembled suppository bomb the next crazy air traveling attempted martyr will inexplicably ask their row mate to light for them as they scoot their dirty sweat pants down in their aisle seat.

Debt ceiling: Are you freaking out yet?

Am I- what? Should I be? What am I not freaking out about that I should be!? What’s going on!? I just had my debt floor refinished, now you’re telling me I need to shit my pants about my dept ceiling already!? What about my debt roof? Is my debt roof leaking too? Well at least I find out in spring when it’ll be cheaper. Try getting your debt roof fixed in a fucking rain storm and then see how much your debt furniture suffers.

Can the U.S. trust Pakistan?

What? Come on, the most wanted man in the entire known universe was just hiding out 40 miles from their nation’s capital and only 1000 yards from their military’s most venerable training institution. Clearly… what was your question again?

Should moms post kids’ pix online?

You know what CNN? This shit sounds like entrapment and I really don’t fucking appreciate it! Asking a guy in a Van Full of Candy if mothers should post “pix” (a clear code word if I’ve ever heard one) of not just their kids, but kids in general online. Shame on you CNN, shame on you for knowing me so well.

Is this the host of ‘X Factor’?

Who? Me? Oh, come now, now you’re just being silly CNN. I mean, I’m honored, really I am, but I couldn’t. Between, you know, that thing, the one that I should be doing instead of answering your inane questions, and… that other… something. Where would I find the time? I appreciate the thought though CNN, it’s good to know I still haven’t lost it.

Child asks: Are the wars over?

Aww, look at you. You adorable little thing. Of course the wars are over. All the wars in the world, everywhere. And you know what’s also over? Sunshine and breathing. That’s right. We killed the one person in the world who’s ever wanted to war with anyone over anything. It’s all patty cake and ice cream from here on out! Unless of course someone decides that they and only they were promised the ice cream and that anyone else’s presence in this bowl is a direct attack on their ability to ever enjoy that ice cream ever again or any of the other ice cream promised to them after the end of this bowl. In which case, it’s fuckin’ awn!

What’s next for the Royal Couple?

I imagine the new Duke and Duchess are probably taking turns fucking each other with enormous piles of money… Get back to them in June, things should calm down by then.

It almost looks like a question mark if you kinda squint and cock your head and don't know what a question mark looks like...

Ya know, that CNN seems like a nice kid. They try to play it down the middle as much as they can, which unfortunately makes them less popular than their more opinionated, shouty news brothers. You don’t want to hang out with the guy who can listen, hear and understand both sides of the argument and attempt to offer you more information so that you can then make up your own mind based on the facts given to you. You want someone to yell in your face how the other guys want to murder your grandparents, using your children as weapons or how those guys over there are fucking idiots and want to give all of your money to big corporations so that they can buy the children of the poor with which to beat your grandparents to death.

CNN just wants you to know what’s going on.

But sometimes CNN doesn’t have all the answers. And it’s kind of a dick move for you to always expect them to. Any time you check in on the CNN website you’ll no doubt find the columns littered with headlines ending in a squiggly little “huh” period. So I thought I would help a brutha out. It was kind of a crazy news weekend, so I thought I would give something back and answer some of the questions they have on their home page.

Now, I’m a pretty busy guy myself. I’ve got… You know… That one thing that I said I should be doing. I probably won’t do it, but I might. I mean I could. So while I’m going to answer the questions on CNN’s home page, I’m not actually going to read any more of the article. Clearly CNN is just asking me these questions, expecting I should have some sort of fore knowledge, and I don’t want to look like a fucking idiot in front of CNN. So as I am asked, I will simply answer to the best of my ability and hope it’s what CNN was looking for. If not why ask me in the first fucking place?

Well, there’ve been a lot of bin Laden photos released over the years. In fact your face is covered in ’em right now. But I assume that’s not what you meant. You’re trying to seem somewhat respectable when you ask me if the administration is going to show you Osama B’s ventilated cranium. I really couldn’t say if there’ll be any assassination porn handed our to any journo who can type with one hand, but probably. Hell, it didn’t take a day for people to already start calling bullshit on the whole thing and kicking up the conspiracy theories, asking where the body is like it’s up to Obama to hit a forty-eight state tent tour offering anyone who’s got the constitution and the steely resolve a chance to see the body of the terror man for one, measly, solitary quarter. That’s right folks, one quarter of a dollar gets you a peek at the tower toppler himself, laid out for all your approvalry! Toss in another two bits and Barry’ll prop ‘im up and take your picture with him lookin’ like he’s suckin’ you off in his stars and stripes head wrap! Step right up!

Bin Laden celebrations ‘overboard’?

Well, we are partyin’ for those who can not be here with us to party down. So how much is overboard? But speaking of “overboard”, I thought that sounded like a “Weekend at Bernie’s” sequel title, upon a google search it seems that I’m mistaken, but clearly, a missed opportunity, both for the movie making industry, and the Navy SEALs. Though, who knows how many camera phones are going to be locked away in time capsules by a group of brave soldiers who actually know how to keep their mouths shut? I’m sorry, that was a question, go on CNN, you were asking…

Will the Taliban make peace now?

Oh CNN, sweet, stupid CNN. Yes, the Taliban will most certainly make peace, so long as “peace” is the name of the next crudely assembled suppository bomb the next crazy air traveling attempted martyr will inexplicably ask their row mate to light for them as they scoot their dirty sweat pants down in their aisle seat.

Debt ceiling: Are you freaking out yet?

Am I- what? Should I be? What am I not freaking out about that I should be!? What’s going on!? I just had my debt floor refinished, now you’re telling me I need to shit my pants about my dept ceiling already!? What about my debt roof? Is my debt roof leaking too? Well at least I find out in spring when it’ll be cheaper. Try getting your debt roof fixed in a fucking rain storm and then see how much your debt furniture suffers.

Can the U.S. trust Pakistan?

What? Come on, the most wanted man in the entire known universe was just hiding out 40 miles from their nation’s capital and only 1000 yards from their military’s most venerable training institution. Clearly… what was your question again?

Should moms post kids’ pix online?

You know what CNN? This shit sounds like entrapment and I really don’t fucking appreciate it! Asking a guy in a Van Full of Candy if mothers should post “pix” (a clear code word if I’ve ever heard one) of not just their kids, but kids in general online. Shame on you CNN, shame on you for knowing me so well.

Is this the host of ‘X Factor’?

Who? Me? Oh, come now, now you’re just being silly CNN. I mean, I’m honored, really I am, but I couldn’t. Between, you know, that thing, the one that I should be doing instead of answering your inane questions, and… that other… something. Where would I find the time? I appreciate the thought though CNN, it’s good to know I still haven’t lost it.

Child asks: Are the wars over?

Aww, look at you. You adorable little thing. Of course the wars are over. All the wars in the world, everywhere. And you know what’s also over? Sunshine and breathing. That’s right. We killed the one person in the world who’s ever wanted to war with anyone over anything. It’s all patty cake and ice cream from here on out! Unless of course someone decides that they and only they were promised the ice cream and that anyone else’s presence in this bowl is a direct attack on their ability to ever enjoy that ice cream ever again or any of the other ice cream promised to them after the end of this bowl. In which case, it’s fuckin’ awn!

What’s next for the Royal Couple?

I imagine the new Duke and Duchess are probably taking turns fucking each other with enormous piles of money… Get back to them in June, things should calm down by then.

With the new year, a lot of people like to make predictions about the upcoming hellscape that will be the coming trip around the sun. Impotently grasping for meaning and some illusion of control or understanding in a world where absolutely nothing makes sense. And we’re no different, except for how we’re exactly nothing at all like that!

And with that, Van Full of Candy is proud to present our Seven Diamond Super Lock, future verifiable prognistications for the year of our lord two thousand and eleven! More accurate than Sylvia Brown and much wiser than Nostradamus, VFoC gives you the exact events of 2011, just as they will have happened. And how do we know? ‘Cause we’ve been there Jack! And this is how the shit went down!

• Due to the continuingly slumping economy, pop-starlet Ke$ha will be forced to change her name to Ke¢ha

• Acetaminophen will officially go by its gang name: Pain~Sugar

• The city of Ashville, NC will be ravaged by a devastating Hurriphoocano. That’s a hurricane, stuffed in a typhoon, stuffed in a volcano

• Justin Bieber will find his natural part minutes before throwing his neck out

• Historians discover the bible is actually the first issue of the National Enquirer

• Lady Gaga will have all of her skin surgically removed and replaced with purple glitter wrapping paper

• In the vein of bird flu and monkey pox, 2011’s animal themed pandemic will be Giraffe Mumps

• Bin Laden shaves off beard and takes on the pseudonym Ted Williams, becomes famous

• Octamom will star in a remake of the 70’s show Eight is Enough co-starring Dick Van Patten as “Gramps”

• Comedian Zach Galifianakis will appear, either personally, in reference or allusion, in 3 of every 5 movies released this year

• Jesus Christ will descend from Heaven, wearing upon his head crowns upon crowns and the seven trumpet blasts will signal his arrival, to tell us the importance of buying gold

• An overpopulation of zebras will occur due to Pottery Barn’s sharp decline in rug sales

• Taping of Two and a Half Men’s season finale will be abruptly interrupted when Charlie Sheen challenges the entire studio audience to a fight

And there you have it, 2011, we’ve lived it so you don’t have to. And you’ll never believe what that one person did to someone else that you might recognize from the television or motion pictures or recording industry, so beloved and so unforgivable, in 2012. But that’ll have to wait for another time.

With the new year, a lot of people like to make predictions about the upcoming hellscape that will be the coming trip around the sun. Impotently grasping for meaning and some illusion of control or understanding in a world where absolutely nothing makes sense. And we’re no different, except for how we’re exactly nothing at all like that!

And with that, Van Full of Candy is proud to present our Seven Diamond Super Lock, future verifiable prognistications for the year of our lord two thousand and eleven! More accurate than Sylvia Brown and much wiser than Nostradamus, VFoC gives you the exact events of 2011, just as they will have happened. And how do we know? ‘Cause we’ve been there Jack! And this is how the shit went down!

• Due to the continuingly slumping economy, pop-starlet Ke$ha will be forced to change her name to Ke¢ha

• Acetaminophen will officially go by its gang name: Pain~Sugar

• The city of Ashville, NC will be ravaged by a devastating Hurriphoocano. That’s a hurricane, stuffed in a typhoon, stuffed in a volcano

• Justin Bieber will find his natural part minutes before throwing his neck out

• Historians discover the bible is actually the first issue of the National Enquirer

• Lady Gaga will have all of her skin surgically removed and replaced with purple glitter wrapping paper

• In the vein of bird flu and monkey pox, 2011’s animal themed pandemic will be Giraffe Mumps

• Bin Laden shaves off beard and takes on the pseudonym Ted Williams, becomes famous

• Octamom will star in a remake of the 70’s show Eight is Enough co-starring Dick Van Patten as “Gramps”

• Comedian Zach Galifianakis will appear, either personally, in reference or allusion, in 3 of every 5 movies released this year

• Jesus Christ will descend from Heaven, wearing upon his head crowns upon crowns and the seven trumpet blasts will signal his arrival, to tell us the importance of buying gold

• An overpopulation of zebras will occur due to Pottery Barn’s sharp decline in rug sales

• Taping of Two and a Half Men’s season finale will be abruptly interrupted when Charlie Sheen challenges the entire studio audience to a fight

And there you have it, 2011, we’ve lived it so you don’t have to. And you’ll never believe what that one person did to someone else that you might recognize from the television or motion pictures or recording industry, so beloved and so unforgivable, in 2012. But that’ll have to wait for another time.

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Van Full of Candy only encourages you to climb aboard metaphorical vans for the sole purpose of humorous content. Any embarking upon physical vans, existing in a three dimensional space is to be done with the foreknowledge that you will almost certainly be molested therein. But if that's your thing, enjoy the ride...