Author
Topic: Song of Destruction: The Story (Read 39979 times)

How is this looking? I incorporated a lot of winkio's ideas in this revision, and though it's not quite caught up to where I left off yet, I think it's looking a lot better as far as having fewer glaring errors.

(click to show/hide)

Being completely sealed off from the outside world made it impossible to track the passing of time. William felt his stomach growl loudly. It was likely around lunch time. He wondered what they were thinking back at the Chapel. They most likely thought that he had gotten lost on the way back from the postal office, he thought gloomily. It wouldn't have been the first time such a thing had happened. The sound of metal grating on stone echoed from somewhere outside his chamber. Perhaps it was the guards, making the rounds between the cells. They could even be bringing food. A small spark of hope sprung in the back of William's mind, but it fizzled out quickly. Food was unlikely. It was probably just a routine check.A second, identical sound caught his attention. There was definitely something going on outside. He forced his aching body to the door. The window slit was near the very top, above eye level, but by stretching himself to the tallest that he could muster, he could see a glimpse of the ceiling outside. It, too, was made of stone. Very faintly, he heard voices rebounding outside the chamber, followed by a third screeching noise. He experimentally tried hopping, giving himself a few extra inches of height. The grating sounded again, this time closer than ever before. This time, it was accompanied by a rhythmic clanking, almost like hurried footsteps.The next sound he heard made his heart skip a beat. It was the metallic clink of a key being shoved haphazardly into a lock, followed by the turning of rusted tumblers. The source was incredibly close. If it had been even slightly plausible, he might have guessed that it was coming from within the very iron door against which he now pressed himself....

The door flew open. William fell unceremoniously to the stone floor, narrowly avoiding being crushed as the steel slab swung inward. With its movement came the same grating sound, now loud enough to split the ears. A knight stood in the doorframe, wearing hulking metal armor the shone brilliantly in the torchlight, despite displaying signs of very recent battle."Get moving." The order was muffled by the thick metal visor through which it was delivered, but its intent was clear. Before William could retort with any questions of his own, the figure had disappeared, rushing to the next door along the cell block. The other voices were back, now. Echoing wildly, their words were unintelligible, but their meaning was as clear as day. This visitor was far from welcome.Countless steel doors identical to that of William's own cell lined the stony corridor. Aside from the scarce flickering torch bolted to the rocky wall, it was almost as spartan outside the cell as within it. Not that he had time to admire the scenery in the first place; already, a party of red-robed figures had rounded the far corner. By this time, the knight had already opened two more doors and moved on to a third. There were no signs of any other prisoners emerging. If all prisoners were given the same treatment he had seen, thought William, then this was hardly surprising, although the sheer quantity of cells did seem somewhat foreboding. Why have that many if no prisoner was going to survive more than a few days?

Rather than moving forward to the next door, the knight turned undauntedly towards the approaching robed men. William found himself caught in between the two parties - it was a deadly position. Without a moment to spare, he ducked back inside his cell. Though it was not high on his list of places he wanted to be at the moment, it was above being dead. He didn't dare close the door behind him, fearing that it would lock again. Instead, he crept to the corner of the room behind the door. If he could remain inconspicuous until the skirmish had ended, he might be able to sneak out without being seen.His foot nudged something on the ground as he moved. The parcel! He had nearly forgotten it. With a whispered prayer of thanks, he snatched it up, running his fingers along the seal to insure that it was still intact. Though he still hadn't the slightest idea what was contained in the thin leather wrappings, it must be incredibly important if it truly was what this red-robed group were after.The sounds of combat resounded from outside the dark cell. Judging from the tell-tale clash of steel, the robed figures were better armed than their manner of dress suggested. Deep within his stomach, William felt the gnawing sensation of guilt begin to grow. The word 'coward' floated tauntingly in the back of his mind, despite his efforts to force it back down. "Overgod help me," he muttered, pushing the door open and stepping out into the fray.Blood stains caused the stone walls and floor to shimmer sickeningly. It was impossible to follow all of the movements happening in the flurry of cloth and steel, but two motionless bodies draped in red robes proved that the knight was managing to hold them back so far. William wasn't sure what to do. He was unarmed, though it would hardly have made a significant difference, given his lack of combat experience.Long ago, the Church had sent battle-clerics to war, each with a sword in one hand and a book of prayers in the other. It had been decades since anyone had received that sort of training. William swallowed and tried to recall the words to a blessing of protection. With hope that the Overgod would forgive his stumbled recitation, he stretched out his hand muttered the final syllable.The only sign of the holy barrier was a faint shimmering in the air, like water vapor on a sunny day. In the torchlight, it was nearly invisible. This led to unintended consequences - unaware of the barrier's existence, both the knight and the guards slammed into it, and were hurtled pell-mell across the stone floor from their momentum. Unable to handle the force, the barrier dissipated. One by one, the figures pulled themselves back up, as one by one, each pair of eyes turned towards the novice priest standing in the cell doorway. William gulped.

The one detail that seems a bit out of place is the mention of battle-clerics. Since when did the church send fighters to war? Since when was the church involved in war at all? Also, William does absolutely nothing with this thought, from what you have written. In my opinion, you should either add another sentence or two around that, or just remove it, perhaps saving it for later on in the story.

TYPOS!

I'm pretty sure you use 'insure' when it should be 'ensure' near the beginning of the 3rd section.Also near the end, you are missing an 'and' between 'hand' and 'muttered'.

The one detail that seems a bit out of place is the mention of battle-clerics. Since when did the church send fighters to war? Since when was the church involved in war at all? Also, William does absolutely nothing with this thought, from what you have written. In my opinion, you should either add another sentence or two around that, or just remove it, perhaps saving it for later on in the story.

TYPOS!

I'm pretty sure you use 'insure' when it should be 'ensure' near the beginning of the 3rd section.Also near the end, you are missing an 'and' between 'hand' and 'muttered'.

Good call with the battle clerics. Now that I think about it, I actually got my history messed up - I was thinking that the battle clerics were from the original war with the Titans, but the Overgod hadn't made an appearance yet, so the Church wouldn't have been organized. Definitely just a mistake on my part. I'll just cut that out.

And I'll go back and fix the typos.

Thanks again for the feedback. It really helps.

I've finished writing the next few paragraphs as well. It doesn't stop in a very good breaking point, but it's late enough that I'll hold off writing the next part for now.

(click to show/hide)

The surge of red rushed forward, each individual figure indistinguishable among the solid mass. A few moments ago, it hadn't seemed like there were this many, but now that they were advancing on him, their numbers seemed significantly larger. William only had seconds to act. Instinctively clutching the parcel closely, he squeezed his eyes shut and whispered a desperate prayer. No specific blessings or recitations came to mind; it was a simple plea for help.A tiny tingling sensation seemed to run through his body, like an unexplainable shiver on a warm day. From behind his closed eyelids, he saw a flash of brilliant color. A wave of warmth washed over his skin. Baffled, he snapped his eyes open. His enemies lay crumpled on the ground around him. Several of their red robes were still smouldering with what must have been some sort of holy fire. It seemed that the Overgod had answered his prayer in a way that he had never expected. He stood stunned for several more seconds. Finally, movement caught his eye. Amid the carnage, the knight coughed and tried to stand. The shining armor didn't show any signs of having been charred by William's sudden surge of power, but blood was visible seeping through the chainmail between its metal plates. At least one of the red-robed figures must have found their mark."Hang on!" called William, rushing forward. "I'm going to try to help you." The knight managed a feeble nod in response. Even given the desperateness of the situation, the gesture seemed somewhat reluctant. Kneeling down, William placed his hand in the center of the ornate breastplate. Its texture was surprisingly smooth and polished, even more so than its gleaming appearance would suggest. "Mighty Overgod above, hear the prayer of your humble servant," he began. The words of the chant came to mind easily, a result of countless hours memorizing his copy of the Novice's Scrolls back at the Chapel. The gentle energies than began to run through his body flowed smoothly, a definite contrast to the raw power than he had felt a few moments ago."You're just full of surprises, aren't you, Altar Boy?" The knight lifted a gauntleted hand to the helmet's latch, and pulled it off in a continuation of the same motion. Shimmering golden hair, knocked out of place by the jostling of combat, cascaded down to her shoulders. Red indentations marked where the helmet had been pressing against her face. This contrasted sharply with the icy blue gaze looking up at him. "I thought I might be able to round up some backup by cutting through the dungeons, but I can hardly say that this is what I expected." Her eyes moved from his face to the hand still resting on her chest. William flushed furiously, and yanked his hand away."S-sorry," he stammered. "I didn't know.... I mean, um...."The girl waved his excuses away, using the wall to support herself as she got to her feet. "I guess I owe you some thanks. Don't get used to it, though; he caught me off guard, that was all." As she spoke, she began methodically using a large brass key to open the remaining cell doors. "At least I managed to thin out their numbers a little. It probably won't do much good, though. Just when you think you've gotten them all, more always seem to show up. It's all about cutting off the head." She grimaced as the last door creaked open. "Looks like you're the only one who made it. Lucky break for you." Curiously, William peered around her shoulder into the final cell. His stomach crawled at the sight. A corpse rotted in the dark corner, wrapped in tattered rags and shreds of remaining skin. Given only a another day or two, that could have been him. He shuddered.The sound of footsteps caught his attention. Behind him, the knight was descending the staircase to the next level of the stony fortress. He hurried to catch up. "The exit's the other way," she said, not stopping nor turning to look at him."But won't there be more guards?" Each step was both tall and narrow, making for a dangerous combination in such a dimly lit environment."Didn't stop you before."William shook his head. "That was different. I'm not even sure what happened back there." She shrugged, a gesture undoubtedly made difficult by the weight of her armor's thick, metal pauldrons. "Not my problem.""But -" The knight held up a hand, silencing him. They had arrived at the bottom of the staircase.

I think that I did a lot better writing around Alice's gender without it sounding awkward or out of place. I also applied several of your suggestions with regard to her motives, and changed up the dialogue a little bit. Also, we're finally caught back up again, so now we can move forward into things that people aren't reading for the third time. Hooray! XD