5 Reasons Women Will Rule the Future

Do me a favor. Reach down between your legs, and grab a handful. Then use this guide to determine how you should read the following article.

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If you came up with two shuddering, army-filled GLOBES of untold testosteronic power ...

CONGRATULATIONS, you are a man. Your chromosomes read like a guy finding his friend dead at a rave, and you should consider this article A CLARION CALL to sweaty, muscular, barbed-wire-tatted ARMS. Welcome to the resistance, brother.

If you came up with NOTHING because all you've got down there is a pathetic inside-out handbag of an excuse for reproductive organs ...

SORRY, you are a woman. Your chromosomes read like the eyes of a cartoon corpse, and you should ABSOLUTELY take the information below as a WARNING: I AM ON TO YOU. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE UP TO. And soon, so will the world.

The trends are clear. The rise of the New Girl Order must be stopped! The shestapo dismantled! Or in nine days, the Story of a Girl could be that she's got her stiletto on your man-ish, bulging windpipe.

Fellas ... this is what we're up against.

#5. There Will Be More of Them

We're up against boobs. Lots of 'em. But not in the way that you'd think or would want, or that I should have started this paragraph with for the sake of confusion. It's just that I equate each woman with her physical parts, like all men, and there will likely be more women than men (or "pecs") in the future (legend has it women can actually BIRTH whole, tiny versions of themselves! Men, get on that).

Look at it -- girly pink staining everything like so much spilled bubblegum nail polish. They've already got most of the cool countries, plus Australia and some other random crap thrown in! WHY will the future be a clambake, and not the present sausagefest? Simple math, really, which, by the way, we used to bebetter at, but it turns out we aren't really; male teachers are just being mean to the girls in their classes. Go get 'em, fellas!

Of course even the valiant repressive efforts of our nation's schoolteachers don't change the facts.

B) Men are also more likely to die doing something awesome, like gang violence, a knife fight in a bar alley or a big fiery shootout with Mexican police. Or when Clint Eastwood pulls out his lighter in Gran Torino, and those guys light him up? Badass. Or when like a blimp or a horse explodes in a tunnel somehow, those are also cool ways to die that probably only happen to men (studies are still in progress on the exploding horse thing).

C) We take high-risk jobs more often, and get ourselves electrocuted or ground to death more often as a result. In fact, more than 90 percent of occupational fatalities are male. Go team wiener!

D) Women on low-calorie diets are more likely to give birth to girls than boys. As population worldwide continues to increase and food scarcity grows as a problem, we can expect plenty of moms in developing countries to convert into full-on girl factories.

Add it all up, pile on the disproportionate number of male war casualties worldwide, and you're left with the inescapable conclusion that most of the globe will soon be potpourri-scented and sensibly arranged.

How to Protect Your Manhood from This Vicious Onslaught:

We sort of are already, in the worst and most obvious fashion. The only reason those blue countries stay blue, in fact, is likely because of the vast number of gender-discriminatory girl-murders happening in them. China and India still do quite a bit of sex-selective aborting, and it's estimated that in a lot of developing countries (China again), a woman is being killed just for being a woman every couple of minutes.

So as soon as we get the assholes to cut THAT out, probably by sending a disproportionately male force over to teach them some manners and get killed, the global gender ratio will skew even further toward the female. The decline of girl-murder seems pretty inevitable, in fact, as some of those awful countries pull themselves out of the "developing" category and want to look nice and presentable for their international allies (instead of like infanticidal monsters).

Of course, Fisher's principle pretty cleanly explains why all animal populations, human included, tend to naturally settle at a 1:1 gender ratio. The thing is, ours starts out favoring men at birth, then declines with age, until by the time you're at retirement age, it's 0.78:1 in favor of ladies. And that's NOW, without all the stuff I just outlined coming into play.

Consolation Prize:

Before you chuckle, grab your junk, shake it, spit onto the floor of the oil rig on which you work and mutter "More chicks than dudes? I like those odds," please recall that we are AT WAR, SIR. Also, I'm talking mostly old ladies here, if you followed. An ocean of them. Those boobs I mentioned that we'd be up against? Granny boobs.

Oh, what's that? You're not afraid of some old ladies and their sagging bosoms? Remember who votes: OLD. LADIES. And don't forget to call that old lady "Ma'am" if you want to keep getting your oil-rigging paychecks, because ...

#4. They're Going to Be Our Bosses

The glass ceiling is about to be dismantled and reassembled as a retractable skylight, presumably so your female boss' birdbath/herb garden can get better northern exposure. While it's true that even today, in America, there's a noticeable gender gap in earnings (again, go team wiener), I speak of tomorrows, and of pussywhippings yet to come.

Adjust your jock strap, because here are some more uncomfortable statistics: More than 70 percent of last year's high school valedictorians had periods, 83 percent of the money spent on consumer goods last year came out of a purse and 75 percent of jobs created in the E.U. since 2000 have gone to people who can't even pee their own names in a snowbank.

The same trends are playing out in a lot of developing countries, too, especially now that we know educating and empowering young women is possibly the most effective method of stemming overpopulation, while simultaneously lessening the infant mortality rate and turning the sky to rainbows and the rivers to chocolate and sunshine. That's right. Educating women may literally be our species' ONLY HOPE OF SURVIVAL.

Meanwhile, over in fully developed America, the economic recession has hit us males disproportionately hard, resulting in a higher unemployment rate among men than women for the first time since your dad took on a second shift at the coal mine so your mom could greet you every day after school with a fresh-baked pie.

Flash forward 10 years, and we can all expect CEO to stand for Chief Executive Ovary-haver. The girluminati strikes again.

How to Protect Your Manhood from This Vicious Onslaught:

Study harder is the obvious solution, but I don't go in for obvious solutions. Too predictable. Instead, I say we turn the tables on a centuries-old female prerogative and start SLEEPING OUR WAY TO THE TOP. Who's with me?

Failing that, there's always flattery. At least the ass you'll be kissing around the office will no longer be hairy!

Consolation Prize:

Whatever, keep all the money and jobs, females. Meanwhile we'll be over here, making all the big, earth-shattering scientific discoveries and artistic breakthroughs. Repeated studies have shown that when it comes to sheer IQ, males tend to exhibit a wider range than women. As in, more super-geniuses, and more astounding idiots suitable only for entertaining a global television and film audience.

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So even if women are our bosses, at least the Einsteins and Newtons and Picassos and Moe Howards of the future will still double over in pain when kicked in the crotch.

#3. The Male Skillset Is Obsolete

Except those big, earth-shattering discoveries get harder and harder to make as time wears on, and the full scope of human knowledge on any given subject is increased. For example, it was easy enough to figure out gravity when everyone was so dumb that no one had thought of sandwiches yet, but now we have fried, microwaveable sandwich pockets. There's not a lot of room for advancement.

These days, major breakthroughs, at least in the realm of science (and food pockets), require many years of specialized knowledge and schooling in the fundamentals of your particular field. Which, if you'll recall, is what the women have over us ... many years of specialized knowledge and schooling (the nerds).

They're also better at multitasking, a key part of more and more of the most modern, lucrative and important jobs and societal roles. You know what men are great at? Any single thing. Since we're often more focused and goal-oriented, men are just stellar at hunting a lion, or climbing a mountain, or writing a column (trust me, I AM NAILING IT), or killing the guy who killed our brother, or putting a thousand little widgets on a car part better and faster than the lady next to us on the assembly line.

You know what computers and machines are good at? The same stuff. Simple, goal-oriented tasks. That means "male-friendly" jobs can more easily be replaced or eliminated than "female-friendly" jobs, like managing a team, providing holistic patient care or drafting a law. Sure, John Henry beat the railroad-tie-laying-robot, but then he DIED, asshole.

Women are, generally speaking, peacemakers and multitaskers, with strengths in all of the areas they'll need to face the most important challenges the future is likely to hold. Challenges like the environment, globalization and providing preventive and ongoing health care and food for an expanding global population. You know, chick shit.

How to Protect Your Manhood from This Vicious Onslaught:

OK, I'm actually really getting worried here. This stuff is stacking up, and I think we might need to bring in the big guns. I'm not saying we should hit them, I'm just saying ... you know, scare 'em a little. After all, the one thing this cadre of madres can't take away from us is our physical superiority. And if scare tactics don't work, we can always make like they do and bring on the MIND GAMES.

Consolation Prize:

I mean, if women are going to be our bosses and presidents and lead us into a glorious age of peace and skin exfoliation, then the least we can do is whine about it. And in the future, as the new oppressed sex, we'll finally be able to!

As the new "wives" of society, we men will be free to stay home with the kids, gobble bonbons and snoop through their underwear drawers for evidence that they're banging their new secretary with the swimmer's body, all the while moaning that we want better jobs, higher wages and for women to stop ogling us like slabs of beef. It's really degrading.