Cricket, cricketers and cor blimey

It’s summer. I’m in Britain. And it’s the Ashes. There follows a slight change from the norm, but don’t worry, it’s still mainly about sex.

For those of you who are not English or Australian, the Ashes is a series of five day cricket matches played between England and Australia and bla de bla de bla … that’s all you need to know. They’re really important and WE HAVE TO WIN THEM (or retain them as we won them before – nya nya nya).

I love cricket. And, as may have been sussed out previously, I love men. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that I therefore love the blokes currently making up the England side, who, let’s face it, on the whole, are FIT. And I mean F-I-T.

And – way hay! – it all sounds like sexual innuendo. As I lay awake last night dreaming of Jimmy Anderson’s balls (What? He’s a bowler …), this sprung to mind. So here goes. Best spoken with wide-eyed, lip-biting exaggeration, but could all, of course, be heard on the pitch or in the pavilion. Naturally.

(To be honest, it probably helps if you know about cricket terms to start with and then just think of them in a slightly alternative way, if you haven’t already. Being me, I do it all the time.)

1) (ecstatically) Oh, Steven, you certainly know how to bowl a maiden over.(*rolls eyes* I had to include it. Let’s get it out of the way. Steven, btw, refers to Steven Finn. Google him. You’ll see what I mean.)

2) (pantingly) Alastair, trust me, it’s going to be a very sticky wicket.

3) (pleasantly surprised) Ooh, he’s got a lovely straight bat.

4) (encouragingly) You’re doing so well, Stuart! Yes, oh yes, just like that. Come on! Occupy the crease for as long as you can!

5) (despairingly) It’s just not working. You need to open the face of your bat more!

Wrote this for the Ashes summer a couple of years ago, but in honour of Jimmy Anderson becoming England’s leading test wicket taker yesterday (and as a continuing homage to his uber hotness) let’s just see it again.