You guys, I’m not going to keep it a secret: I’m bummed. I’m bummin’, you guys!

Here’s why: I read a review of my band’s album in A Local Paper That Shall Not Be Named. Let it suffice to say that half of the review was actually just a chunk of the press release we sent out that I wrote (lazy!), and the other half consisted of words including "clusterfuck" and "pretentious," and also contained the phrases “no-hit band” and “should never have been made available to the public.”

I mean, so, what… you didn’t like it? WHY YOU MAD, BRO?

There are a dozen or so other albums reviewed in the same piece, but there’s an odd, specific vitriol reserved for my gang. Although, I wouldn’t want to be the artist that’s referred to as a sex offender, so maybe we made out like bandits here.

You cut me real deep, Bolla… I mean, The Paper That Shall Not Be Named. You cut me real deep...

Friday July 31st

Sterling Black and Cheerwine - who are so underground that they outright refuse a web presence of any sort - are playing for free at Slab at 9pm and it’s going to be super fun. The only reason not to go to this is because of Slab’s menu, which is downright terrifying. I mean the thing reads like stereo instructions!! Probably because it was published by Handbook for the Recently Deceased Press:

But maybe Sterling Black and Cheerwine aren’t your thing, which would basically make you a big silly dodo bird, but whatever, it’s your life and you’re welcome to ruin it. So do you like Jaw Gems? They’re having a party at Bunker Brewing on Friday night. They’re beat makers primarily, and they lively up those beats with the big squishy sounding synths of 80’s new wave, and if you enjoy the psychedelic electronic music of Lotus or Pretty Lights you’ll get your dance on at this show, but if you can’t make it, just chill out motherfucker, in two weeks you can see them at Asylum with Dopapod, which I totally wouldn’t recommend unless, like, that’s your “thing.” Do you know what I mean by that? You’ll know. Like, Dopapod is going to have some kind of strong ass w00k contingent in full effect that night, and I mean there’s really nothing anyone likes about that. Yes, I’m deciding for you. You have a choice, and for your monthly dose of Jaw Gems, you’re choosing Bunker Brewery. This bill also has Altered Gee, which is more break-beaty and kind of frontal-lobe battering and DJ Don Damiani who does TRA(P) Night at Flask Lounge. I’m sort of depressed today so this party doesn’t sound fun to me right now but after I blow out my adrenal glands on eight cups of coffee this afternoon, I bet this is going to be right up my alley. I mean whatever, man, look, you came to me, OK? Don’t fucking read this blog if you want sunshine and roses, it’s just not what we do here.

Alright, onward. So next up on Friday Tigerman WOAH is playing at Portland House of Music and Events, and locals Ghost of Johnson City open for them and The Radiator Rattlers. I will always mention to you when GoJC plays in town, so just get used to hearing me squawk about them. Last time I saw them a friend pointed out what a cool history lesson their songs are, which is a new take for me and hopefully when their new album comes out, I’ll be able to drill down on that a little bit more. Tigerman WOAH and The Radiator Rattlers are both from MA so they can get bent round here, but not really because they a’ight, yo.

Look, I like spooky shit and I love a good goth night because it’s fun to play dress up and also you can usually take your top off and just wear like, a fascinator hat and fake eyelashes and a scowl and be just fine at goth nights across this fine land, so that’s fun. I also like super dramatic dancing and “pretending” to be troubled (HAHAHAHAHA joke’s on you, I AM troubled!) and while I do not get down with a man in a kilt, I do like to observe men in kilts and wonder about them. Just like... what are they like? What did they have for breakfast? That sort of shit. I bet breakfast was a banana stabbed with a dagger and a glass of vitamin D fortified mead. Anyway, so this week goth night at the Asylum which is called Plague (cute!) sees the reunion of three old friends, and they describe it thusly:

Long ago DJ Gimp taught DeHuman8 how to spin the gothic tunes, DeHuman8 then taught DJ Stranger. these 3 DJ's formed the beginnings of the Gothic Maine you see today.

For one night only they shall again join forces, and bring the world to its knees!

EPIC, right? Sure.

Anyway, some other trash going on tonight is the Aquanauts at Salvage Barbecue, which are surf rock and delicious, respectively. Try that maraschino cherry hot sauce, you sodden pantywaist, and have a good time for once in your sad life.

Mmmkay let’s move on to…

Saturday August 1st

... they have a whole lineup of local bands including Cheerwine (night two for what I’m now calling The Weekend: it Belongs To Cheerwine™) and a bunch of other bands that I’m interested in hearing because I’ve never heard of them. So that should be fun, but I’ll be taking a break from Picnic mid-day to root for my friend in the Bud n’ Burgers challenge at PHOME, where we’ll find a bunch of local pubs including LFK and RiRa competing for the best burger in Portland. It’s a voting thing so you get to stuff your maw full of meat. You know, if that isn’t already on the menu for later on that night with your special someone. Zing!

After that, there’s a beat battle at Space Gallery. I’m actually pretty excited for this because it’s unique and interesting and usually the DJs get all the glory so it’s nice to see the producers being given a little spotlight time. Is Kanye indirectly responsible for this? If so, I will proceed forth in my life being less annoyed by Kanye West. I wonder though why this event is on the same weekend as Beltek, the invite-only electronic music festival in the woods at which many people will take drugs and DANCE, because in my mind there’s a crossover crowd there, but maybe not, maybe a producer-centric beat battle is too sophisticated for a more casual electronic music fan that is more there for the party. I don’t claim to know, and you know what, I don’t even want to know. I had planned on going to Beltek, you know, JUST TO SEE WHAT'S UP, and those plans fell through, but I am at peace with that and happy that I get to see all the good shit that’s going on in town this weekend.

If all of this is too intense for you and you’d like to enjoy your Maalox and cocaine cocktails in a more relaxed and groovy setting, then go to Blue for their weekly Jazz at the Blue series. Or you could see some guy name Travis James Humphrey who is a singer/songwriter at Gritty’s. It appears that he materializes there twice monthly on Saturday nights, like Donny Most rising from the fog. You may be required to take it easy on Saturday night anyway, because on Sunday there is…

Sunday, August 2nd

The Skummymen, Pink Sock and The Crackhead Mikes at Geno’s Rock Club. Punk shit is notoriously hard to get information about because it’s not exactly the kind of genre that is consumed with the art of self-promotion. But they’re calling it a skummy punk show, and that should be pretty much all the information you need to decide whether or not you’re going to this.

Also, “pink sock” is a euphemism for an anal prolapse. Don't google it.

Sometimes the "jokes" write themselves, folks.

Alright, have you had it already? I’ve had it. My beloved children, be safe, be kind, tip your bartenders well, and DO. NOT. DRINK AND DRIVE. Have a great weekend everybody!