Film Review: Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa (2013)

In an exclusive for Stopthinkingforyourself, Alan Partridge gives us a totally unbiased review of his motion picture debut:

The Godfather. Gone With The Wind. Casablanca. Psycho (both 1960 and the 1998 remake). The Spy Who Loved Me and the lion’s share of Moonraker. Now add to that list Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa.

Just to make things totally clear, the list of films above are universally considered (to people in the industry, like me, or just any non-idiot) to be some of the greatest films ever put to... film. And now, without any fear of delusions of grandeur or any hints of shameless self promotion, I (as an aforementioned non-idiot) am adding Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa to that glorious list. If anything, it’s probably the best on that list and I can’t think of a reason as I write this why anyone (or at least any non-idiot) would disagree.

Let me grab you by the proverbial short and curlies (or ‘pubic hair’ for the uneducated) by telling you it’s got the three key ingredients we all look for from a Hollywood/North Norfolk epic; namely sex, violence, rock ‘n’ roll... and ME! OK, technically that’s four things but I like to think I combine the three; I play classic rock on my radio station, with a diverse selection of everything ranging from Sting to The Police; I’m not so much violent as I am deadly when provoked (just ask that badger who came sniffing around a tent I was sharing with my now-divorced wife Carol in Clippesby during a barmy summer night in 1980 or 1981, I forget which); and I’m ruddy sexy, evidence by the fact that I once had a girlfriend who was 14 years younger than me and would often ‘go south’ on a moment’s notice.

The film is directed by an Oirish cheeky chappy called Declan Lowrey who, and I’m sure won’t mind me saying this, has never directed anything resembling a film of this quality, scale, or artistic importance. He does a cracking job even though, as I just said, he’d done bugger all you’d have seen before. The film doesn’t let up for a moment and I, along with some familiar faces (but not as important faces, read the title again if you need reminding) will quite literally make you choke on your over-priced and over-salted popcorn, pick and mix, or nachos covered in that cheese from one of those pumps.

Actually, if you’re reading this and you’ve yet to see the film:

What the bloody hell was so important you couldn’t have seen it by now?

Don’t get those nachos at the cinema. They stink, they’re noisy, and they make you look like a complete and utter dick to your fellow cinephiles. Are you really that hungry that you’d humiliate yourself in public like that? Please, leave that sort of behaviour at home or at the opera.

I want to clarify that you’ll choke on your popcorn due to laughing so ruddy much. I wasn’t suggesting I or any of the cast would actually choke you. Well, maybe Michael would but he’s a Geordie so you’d expect it.

If you’re familiar with my catchphrases then I guarantee* you’ll love some of the new ones we’ve come up with in this, my first major motion picture. I won’t recite them all here because I want them to be a surprise and because, unlike the spotty teen working at Blockbuster Video (that’s like a bricks and mortar NetFlix to anyone under 20) in the summer of 2000 who point-blank ruined the ending of The Sixth Sense for me thinking I was returning, not renting, the tape, I am not a total waste of space, time, and semen.

So get your arses (or ‘asses’ if you’re reading this Stateside) down to your local cinema, make sure you’ve eaten a decent meal beforehand to reduce the need to buy crap, turn off your mobile phone (cell phone if you’re reading this Stateside), tablet, iPad, Kindle, Nook, Gameboy, or pager, shut up (although audible laughing is acceptable on this occasion) and enjoy the film.