A Paid Message

by Benjamin

This week, Rum and Monkey is being sponsored by Regan Gest ministries. They have asked me personally to write an article in line with their way of thinking, in return for a substantial sum of money. This is fully in line with our ethical policy; for more details on political viewpoints we can take in exchange for cash, please contact us with your ideological requirements.

That's the Regan Gest ministries: "The best things in life are free - for everything else there's evangelical Christianity."

Hi there, partner! I'd like to sit you down for a moment and tell you about a problem I like to call "liberalism". Now, the thing about liberalism is, it's a pervasive disease that threatens to wreck our homes, our culture, our God and our three car garage. If it isn't stopped, and soon, we will find ourselves living in a Godless society where the poor are rewarded for their laziness and babies are killed on street corners for the gleeful delight of homosexuals and prostitutes.

If I may, I'd like to break down the dangers of liberalism into four main topic areas, so our readers know what to do with this dangerous menace. Make no mistake: not since the communists have we seen such an all-encompassing danger to the American way of life.

Part One: They Make Us Poor

My first part is about money. Did you know that liberals believe in redistribution of wealth from successful people to those on the very bottom rung of society? Do you want to be taxed, year after year, so that your hard-earned money falls into the hands of poor people and bureaucrats? Successful people should not be punished for being successful; it's this kind of thinking that creates hippie communes and shantytowns. God hates hippies.

Part Two: They Make Us Godless

And hippies hate God, friends. Liberals are heathens: not a single one of them truly believes in the word of God. They use namby-pamby words like "social justice" and "equality", which are intended to confuse and weaken us. They say they want what's best for the world, and that this can only be achieved with a secular society that accepts all faiths and cultures. Ask yourselves, friends, how can they achieve a better world without the Christian God? Surely we must involve our Lord and Saviour, for fear of His anger and omnipotent wrath? Also, it only seems fair.

Part Three: They Hate America

No matter how many times it's said, it's never said enough. Liberals hate America. They question our leaders and our values, they protest against our wars and they undermine our way of life. Who want to kill babies? The liberals. Who would have left Saddam Hussein in power? The liberals. Who want to cut military spending, and who sought to discredit our armed forces in the Middle East? The liberals. They won't be happy until we've been invaded and annexed as part of Europe. And where will we be then? (Aside from in Europe.)

We'll be back in 1776, friend, being hunted down by Redcoat scum.

Liberals introduced income tax, a practice which remains unconstitutional - yet it's protected by, you've guessed it, more liberals. They gave us seatbelts, mandatory ingredients on food, weblogs and Howard the Duck; all things that are bringing down our society faster than our founding fathers would have ever imagined.

They hate the anti-terrorism laws and our patriotic operation for Iraqi freedom; they hate President Bush, our bravest warrior since Reagan. They hate America!

Part Four: They Hate Hating

This is the most absurd aspect of their contradictory and foolish thinking. Liberals hate to hate! They would rather sit and discuss problems than do something about them, and they would do anything to stay out of a conflict. This is because they are influenced by homosexuals and the French.

America needs you to protect against the liberal threat. Tell your children; your vet; your pharmacist. Tell the world. America is conservative! America is a nation under God! America is a beacon to those oppressed by socialist governments!

Only when this message has reached the world, and only when the world truly understands it, can America take its rightful place.

This has been a paid message of the Regan Gest ministries. Surrender your soul to your God today!