Robert Cormack did a poor imitation of Don Draper in advertising for 40 years before writing his novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book.

Nov 8

How To Grow A Penis.

Are women assuming power because of penis envy? Or is it the other way around?

Courtesy of Dreamstime

“Hard work is in our bones.” Stacey Abrams, Georgia

Every woman has penis envy. It goes back to childhood, to the playgrounds where boys used to relieve themselves behind trees faster than you could say Easy-Bake-Oven? You, on the other hand, had to find a bush, and a big bush at that, and if you didn’t find one, you had to run home, which could be miles (and bladders, as you know, aren’t made for running miles—or even feet).

Moving into adulthood, think of those times, driving home from a girl’s night out, and suddenly you had to go. Not just go, but go, say three martini’s worth. What did you do? You sat there squirming, realizing men wouldn’t think twice about using an empty Evian bottle or going out the window?

Penises can do that, and sometimes it’s not even that sloppy.

Name any great battle, and you can bet it started with some military leader’s wife or mistress saying: “Baby, you could conquer the world with that thing.”

Of course you have penis envy. You’d be crazy not to, for heaven’s sake. You’d be even crazier saying you prefer a vagina. Vaginas are criminal.

Let’s also not forget that penises have been a symbol of power since time immemorial. Name any great battle, and you can bet it started with some military leader’s wife or mistress saying: “Baby, you could conquer the world with that thing.” Women don’t expect men to take them literally, but men do, figuring their engorged penises could demoralize any enemy. Trouble is, once men get into battle, their penises shrink to the size of a peanut.

Men don’t have a lot to say about that, either because it’s embarrassing, or they won the war anyway, despite being limp as sardines. Many military leaders were limp as sardines, including Napoleon Bonaparte and Winston Churchill. After The Battle of Little Big Horn, General Armstrong Custer was found hacked to death with a king-sized erection.

Rasputin also died with an erection, despite ingesting enough poison to kill a giraffe. His penis was auctioned off years ago, along with Napoleon’s. Neither generated much money, but Rasputin’s would have been a good conversation piece. For instance, why wasn’t Rasputin ever a soldier? Well-hung guys should do military service. You can’t go through life giving czarinas a bunch of weird advice (as Rasputin found out when he was poisoned).

You can’t swing a cat in a pyramid or Mayan temple without hitting a phallic symbol or a space ship.

In any case, we haven’t seen many vaginas auctioned off, and they don’t show up in hieroglyphics, either. Not like penises. You can’t swing a cat in a pyramid or Mayan temple without hitting a phallic symbol or a space ship.

None of this is lost on women, either. As they gain more corporate and bureaucratic power, penis envy tends to grow. It’s also interesting how women are handling this penis envy seeing as they don’t have penises.

Of course, anything is possible in this day and age. A few clicks on the internet and you’ll find all kinds of solutions for penis envy, including penises. These are more fondly known as dildos, vibrators or strap-ons. They’re a pretty nifty alternative to wishing you had a penis, and since women love alternatives, fake penises are going over in a big way.

In the last survey done in 2016, strap-on searches increased 195% year over year, with 80 percent of women admitting they’d use one on their partner. How they’d use them is up to the creative mind, but it could involve pegging or swinging it around like Richard The Lionheart at The Battle of Jaffa.

These days, there are all kinds of “things to swing,” from flashy dildos to a silicone mold that lets you form a perfect likeness of your partner’s penis. This doesn’t sit well with some men, the implication being that they’re about to get pegged by their own pegger.

“I’m having fun, he’s having fun, and the cat thinks we’re both crazy. A good time had by all.”

Nervous nellies aside, a surprising 71 percent of straight men admit to trying prostate play, most claiming it doesn’t make them feel “gay” at all. “I don’t consider it feminine,” one woman said on reddit. “I’m having fun, he’s having fun, and the cat thinks we’re both crazy. A good time had by all.”

You could call this a cultural zeitgeist, although being a “back door woman” does leave some novices questioning their own skill levels. “As long as he understands that I haven’t a clue what I’m doing,” one woman confessed, “I’ll give it a shot.” Another asked if she was any less of a feminist pegging her boyfriend on International Women’s Day.

All of which leads to the ultimate question: Can a woman grow a penis? Experts claim steroidal therapy can enlarge a clitoris one or two inches, which is about what Napoleon had, and you can bet he wasn’t relieving himself out car windows, since there weren’t cars then.

Anyway, two inches is about all you can get with steroids, and you certainly won’t be swinging it around like Richard the LionHeart. To have something worth swinging, you’ll need a full procedure, known as a metoidioplasty or phalloplasty. Unfortunately, you still won’t have critical factors that make a factory-direct penis a penis.

“If we can grow sheep in test tubes, penises and testicles should be a breeze.”

“We’re just not there,” one doctor pointed out, “although there are great strides in medicine. If we can grow sheep in test tubes, penises and testicles should be a breeze.”

While women wait for that, they can still assume dominant sexual roles with strap-ons, assuming their partners will relax and take the submissive position. To be a real “star banger,” sex experts suggest putting the man on his back with his knees up around his ears. This provides a clear pathway and lets you see him freaking out.

The doggie style position is also preferable, and you can relieve any tension by putting him in front of the television. As long as it’s football and not rodeo, he should relax within minutes.

One woman on reddit recommended putting the man on top. This allows him to guide the dildo inside comfortably while still watching football. “You can accomplish a lot,” she said, “and he might even get off on all the cheering.”

Control is control, whether it’s a real penis or a strap-on, or something you found in the kitchen drawer.

Even if he does, he might still wonder why he’s taking it up the wazoo while you’re telling him he’s a “good boy.” Control is control, whether it’s a real penis, a strap-on, or something you found in the kitchen drawer.

Women who like the sexually dominant role admit it’s mental, emotional and visual. “But what do you get out of it physically?” one woman asked on Quora, and numerous responses popped up, one claiming that some strap-ons have an inside edge that rubs against the clitoris as you grind.

“It’s a bit like riding the bathtub, but hotter,” one woman explained. “Every thrust makes him groan, and when he groans, I’m wetter than a dishcloth after Thanksgiving dinner.”

If achieving sexually dominant roles plays any part in that, women should be encouraged to peg and do as many reach arounds as possible.

Pegging, rimming and reach-arounds aren’t exactly controlling a chapter of the U.S. Congress, but women are getting there, too. The latest midterms elected ninety-six women in house races and 2 Native American women became governors of state along with one Somali refugee.

If achieving sexually dominant roles played any part in that, women should be encouraged to peg and do as many reach-arounds as possible.

At least you know growing a penis will come in time. Until then, use what you’ve got. “Penis Power” is co-ed, and as power spreads among the sexes, women can claim, as Stacey Abrams said: “Hard work is in our bones.”

She wasn’t speaking euphemistically, but some women might take it that way. If you want to grab power, it doesn’t hurt to grab a penis. Better yet, it doesn’t hurt to have a penis.

Hopefully that day will come soon. Once they get finished with test tube sheep, of course. Then it should be a breeze.