DALLAS, TX—According to sources, self-described theology nerd Raymond Lance returned home from a quick, four-hour pop-in at a local seminary’s bookstore Wednesday afternoon to discover that his wife had installed a state-of-the-art book detector over the home’s main entryway.

As Lance tiptoed in the door, apparently planning on quietly slipping the books behind some of the other books stacked in various oddball piles throughout the house, he reportedly jumped in terror at a blaring alarm, which alerted his wife Melissa that he had brought home 27 new books on theology, Christian living, and the Bible.

While Lance scrambled to gather the various tomes and volumes he had dropped all over the floor in his fright, Melissa appeared seemingly out of nowhere, tapping her foot with a knowing look on her face.

“Where exactly is this coming out of our Financial Peace budget?” she asked, bending over to pick up one of the works that had flown across the room. “An N.T. Wright book? Don’t you have this one already?”

The flustered Lance stammered and stuttered, but no actual words came out, according to witnesses, though from his hand motions it appeared he was trying to tell her the five Wright books he had brought back were purely for research purposes.

At publishing time, Mrs. Lance had loaded her husband into the car to return the books back to the seminary, where she’d speak to the manager about having her husband’s picture hung up on the store’s official “do not sell” wall of shame.

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