She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow.

Memoir

nowadays ive been on the hunt for genuine happiness. facebook has been such a joy giver all the pages or blogs per se i follow post some ridiculous on point (pardon the jargon) shit that totally meshes well or like, um relates well in my life, speaking of, I keep ordering mcdonalds delivery food, note the double iced coffee for my caffeine boost and extra virgin vanilla jk lawl ive been dealing heavy stuff lately. I mean my blog means the world to me as it is my baby. It really makes me happy someone, you probably don’t know, but a simple like can make my day bloom.

It has been 35 days since I resigned. I have gone through emotional whirlwinds I cannot myself comprehend. Done shit as an agent I couldn’t fuckin compromise as it goes against my logic and identity… Things such as

i really didn’t study much so i quite predicted to say sorry i failed the test since it has 50 items and the mock exams were quite difficult to understand……

then

a miracle happened, all my sleepless nights worrying turned out real mighty fine as i took the exam around 15 min since computerized and time limit and all and you gotta have a username

mine was st.chan@acevariable

um

i had a great time last oct 24 -25 since

i went to the gym then was able to buy at kevins toy store 100 php real cool collectible toys probably from clash of clans

they also sell ninja turtle

pero mejo hype

kaya i went with the unique quirky cool ones

check my ig they’re there.

then

the next morning as always unable to have a sleep cycle i basically ordered yet another mcdonalds delivery but this time it was the best as it arrived no sooner than ten minutes and the two piece chix was so delish like uhhhm

then i grab then arrived at un ave…

didn’t know

what to expect

i hate exams since sales made me dumber people watching…

but ey

i passed oh waw

didn’t breathe

for like fifteen minutes

trauma na ko sa exam

kasi like the last exam sa ortigas training (they literally have a lot of training) … my seatmate checked my answer wrong when it was right.

tapos ako pag mag check nung sakanya kahit mali spelling check nalang like i just gauged it on his deviance more than the regular academic precision

but he naman on the other hand corrected my super duper minor mistakes like maybe my handwriting was not legible for his understanding.

the worse

was making my right answer wrong to the point i had to ask a random girl seatmate on the left if tama ba yung sagot

hay

i woulda gotten three or like two dumb mistakes lang but i got like around 4.5 or 5 mistakes thanks to him

All my life I have been a silent child, up to responsible sensible young adult who can drive at seventeen to a sweet rebel teenager who can stand up and fight for herself

I can handle people throwing shade at me as I know how to fight back and scream in silence but what I cannot most tolerate are the treatment my parents have shown since birth

All they do is complain they spent a million on my studies, a million on my operation, which by the way was so critical looking back I wished God whomever He is took me already

To cut it short, someday I know I can tell with bright fiery eyes and gleam how I was raised in an abusive household. Up to now that I am a working twenty something, I left all my so called friends who have decent parents and travel and have a social life.

My heart burns with hatred but nobody should judge that. Everytime I go home my mom manages to say something unkind, or just last night my dad told me, if my attitude stays the same, then nobody will come near me.

It was hurtful how he delivered it. I was simply listening at my earphones music blasting that I had nonchalantly closed the door. It was barely loud but I guess the crickets were banging that it was apparently audible.

In my heart I have humbled a sense not to cry anymore over nonsense things. But it shookt me that he really is a patriarch old man who cannot modernize his ways, who always treat others better, who cannot accept girls in the family.

I am the first born and only girl

Many times some dear people told me not to be self pity to myself, but other times you simply cannot help it

Being emo, being so hard on yourself to the point your current boss tells you be happy and not be emo

So anyway point is Im growing up

I wish to finally break the curse of the rebellious teenage angst me and live a life of my own alone. Financially capable and knows how the world works.

being the first born in the family of four and the eldest of three brothers, i found it quite difficult to navigate society and make sense of the political era before me. family was a question of trust and obedience. i remember in college i often go to our resident psychologist to speak my mind off. shut between worlds i only found my safe identity inside the school. dorming was a blessing and joy to someone so young and fragile, lost and meaningless. it was during third year, junior year that i made sense about academics when core subjects kicked in. i will never ever forget the times i had to edit videos for class during freshman and sophomore year, the time they had a paintball stand inside the school facility and i chickened out joining. the time i joined cads twice and got rejected. the time i got accepted to blue symphony. i passed their test or whatever. i will never forget the times i had to wait long by the waiting shed, as the clouds turn grey and my 9pm classes of crime fic was doubtful and dreary

or that time i gave my all in everything but only get a D in Math 19 or a D in Accounting10, or failing Accounting 30 or whatever that subject is next to the first Accounting subject.

today i willingly talked with our sales director in the company, and all he did was grill me into saying how the real world is cruel and unfair and how i seem to be …sheltered wow as if he knew the path i walked onto and my character per se…

i realize how we, as a human individual, can never really find ourselves and our worth in a person,

and how we must blossom where our heart and purpose go.

i deeply tried to leave their division and my team, but sales director said how i was the only rare case that dared to do that,

as nobody tried to leave due to personal preference,

just me.

to recount,

i was really clueless how to go about, i love my job but hate how the bosses cannot close the work,

i keep comparing them to my former developer.

the fact is, i love sales as i have thrived to keep up with manning and setting appointments to so many hopefuls na closing pero

lahat paasa,

i just really wished i was placed in a good group.

it is hard to say you can thrive anyplace and bloom,

mahirap yon.

mas mahirap pa kung di mo makita sarili mo dun, and yung purpose mo

and you ask what the heck am i doing this for.

many people broke me over the past years,

people i trusted the most.

i dont even begin to understand some big douchy boss can say and hurl shit stuff like that to my face.

i know education helps in identifying people and their capabilities but this is too much,