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ok here it goes..this blonde women called the fire department freaking out the operator answer and is trying to calm her down the operator says ok ladies now how do we get to your house?? the ladie says DUH IN THE BIG RED TRUCK...

Class 13How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.Live Demonstration.Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Bill's friend Harry arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by hisattorney

Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears thatyou live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How doyou explain that?

Before the attorney could speak, Harry replied, "I love to gamble and Iusually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Harry. "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Harry said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Harry removed his glass eye and bit it.

The official's jaw dropped. Harry said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousanddollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Harry wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Harry then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!

"Want to go double or nothing?" Harry asked. "I'll bet you six thousanddollars that I can stand on your desk and piss intothat wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere inbetween."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guycould manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Harry climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely,and pretty much pissed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! Butthen he noticed that Harry's attorney looked ashen and was visibly shaking."Are you okay?" he asked.

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day my finance's little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total s hock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being toldthat there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enterit in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for ahorse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured thatsince he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local papercarried this headline:

PREACHERS ASS SHOWSThe preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in therace again, and this time it won. The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT FRONTThe Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered thepreacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headlineread:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS ASSThis was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get ridof the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearbyconvent.The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWNThe bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get ridof the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day thepaper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back thedonkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next daythe headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREEThe bishop was buried the next day.

A girl goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. While they are at the table, to here horror she has to fart. She tries her best to muffle it, but was so embarassed until the father looks down at the family dog lying behind her and says. "Buck!!!!" ReliEved that the dog got the blame she goes about eating..when..Oh No...she can't control it, a bigger fart slips out, again in a louder voice the dad says..BUCK!!! Whew...good thing the dog is getting the blame. Towards the end of the meal, she felt free to relieve an even bigger gas pain with a huge fart, but was assured that the dog would get the blame..The father says in a louder voice...BUCK!!!!! GET AWAY FROM HER BEFORE SHE SHITS ALL OVER YOU!!!...

A bunch of guys are out at the bar, all had a few too many, The guy driving home gets pulled over, he rips a label off a beer bottle, And places it on his forehead, Cop gets to the window and asks if he was drinking, He says no, I'm on the patch.

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them...