(Closed) I need sister in law/bridesmaid help!!!

I’m fretting! I love my sister-in-law to be dearly but she is causing me some major stress. Her and four other of my friends are my in my bridal party, and they don’t all know each other, so I thought it would be fun to do a get to know you night where we went to dinner and stuff.

A little about my SIL, she never attended public school and has no friends other than me (not in a mean way! she just doesn’t know anyone). She is sweet as can be to me and is my best friend, but she can sometimes be shy in social situations. She was so excited for our night out to meet everyone because it was her first time ever doing something like that.

So we go out. And she barely speaks a word all night…others talked to her often (esp. my MOH, who she did talk to alot and also was meeting for the first time that evening). She kind of just drifts off to the side at all the places we went and acts pretty much miserable the whole time. At this point I try to make sure she doesn’t feel left out and I spend a lot of time trying to chat with her and she is just so quiet.

A couple days later, I tell her I chatted with my other BMs and they all said how much they liked her. She changes the subject. I bring it back to that subject and just ask her, “Did you have a good time the other night?”

She responds with, “…I liked meeting your MOH.” I ask her about everyone else and she just said she felt awkward having nothing to say. That they were really girly and she wasn’t very girly (she is girly too! They’re just maybe more of a popular girl type of girly? But they were very nice to her all evening!).

I said, “Well they all said they really liked you.” She responded with, “I don’t know why, I barely spoke all night…”

I wanted to respond with , “AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?!?!?!” but I didn’t. I just said that they talked with her during dinner and maybe that was why.

No response.

WHY is she doing this to me? I understand maybe her feeling shy but first of all, everyone talked with her all night, everyone was really nice to her. AND, if I was in someone’s wedding, even if I didn’t like the bridal party, I would NEVER say that to the bride.

Now I feel like every other wedding event is going to be awkward. How do I handle this? I’m sad because I love my other friends, sad because my sister-in-law (who I love dearly!) didn’t have a good time with them, annoyed because I feel awkward, annoyed because now I’m in this situation.

@BEWLove: I don’t think you have to do anything. There is a reason your SIL doesn’t have any friends. Be it social awkwardness, not wanting any, being scared, ect. She isn’t going to go from not being social at all to liking all your friends and talking to them all night. I donno that group’s dynamic is but if the rest know each other it makes it quadrupelly hard. It’s much easier meeting people in a setting where the majority is meeting everyone for the 1st time. If you’re a group of friends you have inside jokes and stuff and I’m sure she wouldn’t be included in all the conversation.

Anyway, it is not necessary for your SIL to be BFF with your friends. It seems like she will go to your events. I wouldn’t push it, just leave it at that.

@Atalanta: Thanks for your reply. A lot of them hadn’t met each other, not just her. But everyone else seemed to get along fine. I don’t necessarily want them to be BFFs but I did hope to alleviate awkwardness by letting everyone get to know each other a bit. Instead, now I just feel even more awkward. I don’t want her to be silent at every other wedding event.

@BEWLove: As someone who is socially awkward and introverted, I can honestly say that I don’t think your FSIL is purposely trying to do anything to upset you. She was excited to go to the event, but she probably doesn’t have very good social skills and she may have gotten nervous.

It’s also possible that she felt kind of left out depending on how well the rest of the group knows one another. My older sister, for example, had a group of friends in college who were all very nice. I got along with all of them when it was small groups, but when all of them were together it was tough to try and fit in. . . not because they purposely excluded people, but because they had so many inside jokes that anyone not in the group got left out. It made it really awkward for anyone else to try and become part of the group.

Have you thought about having her interact with just you and one other member of the Bridal party a bit? Like maybe you, your MOH, and FSIL could get coffee or lunch together? It could help her feel a bit more comfortable and relaxed at the next event if she has a chance to interact with her one on one a bit. People like me can get really really overwhelmed when they meet a bunch of people for the first time, especially if its in a loud public place where its tough to try and get to know someone.

@BEWLove: You tried your best to make SIL comfortable and feel included, and I don’t think there’s much else you can do besides that. It’s really up to her to get along with your BMs. If she wants to be quiet, then that’s okay too. Not everyone likes to be chatty with people they just met.

I hope you will stop taking her social oddities personally because I don’t think she’s trying to make your life harder. I know you want your BMs to have a good rapport, but you can’t force people to be friends. Leave it alone and try not to let it bother you! It’s not worth stressing over 🙂

@BEWLove: I had a similar situation. My friends and my SIL are VERY different…all special in their own way but definitely wouldn’t have socialized outside wedding events. My BMs spoke to her and included her in everything but beyond that it was up to her to the extent of how involved she was. That’s her deal. I wouldn’t worry about it…and she’s defintiely not doing anything to you. It’s just the circumstance…it sounds like you kind of expected this so I wouldn’t be but so disappointed.

@BEWLove: I don’t see a problem. She was shy but there wasn’t major drama and by the sound of it no one was rude. As for “every other wedding event” – are there really going to be that many where all or most of them are together? I would just let her warm to it at her own pace.

I guess she isn’t doing it on purpose or anything, lol. Looking back that sounds silly, and I was just upset. I certainly don’t expect new amazing friendships to blossom, but I was just…..I don’t know. I was just super excited for the evening, and now it’s lessened.

While we don’t have a lot of other wedding events, we do have a significant amount of things to do…dress shopping, bridal shower, bachelorette party, decorating for the wedding, rehearsal dinner…enough that I wanted everyone to have a good basis for feeling comfortable around one another.

My MOH did invite her to go with us somewhere (they had never met either, but my SIL developed a relationship with her somehow). She seems excited about that…so I guess we’ll just see. I just have lost excitement for all of the above listed wedding activities knowing that one of my girls is going to be unhappy the whole time 🙁

@BrandNewBride: This makes me feel so much better! While I can tell that she didn’t have a great time, I guess maybe it really just goes back to her shyness….I don’t mind her being shy or quiet. I just don’t want her to be miserable.

@BEWLove: I don’t think it’s anything that she is doing TO YOU specifically.

Whenever I’ve tried to compliment someone and they are all ‘really, how so?!’ (like you telling your BM that all the other BMs liked her and she sounded doubtful), I immediately think ‘this person is insecure, doubful, and negative’. She’s probably FINE around you because you’ve done things to establish trust.

If someone is very shy it can cripple them to the point of social awkwardness, which is sad because they are missing out on life. It’s also possible that she MAY be girly to you, but she doesn’t feel very girly in terms of her confidence in make up, clothing, hairstyle choices.

Another thought I have is that maybe she’s seen too many sterotypical chick flicks (mean girls and heathers come to mind!) and she just thinks that all women gang up on other women (totally not true!).

My advice:

-Introduce her to your friends on a smaller scale. She likes your MOH, so maybe you and your MOH and FSIL just have lunch one day. Then, maybe you do a mani/pedi with just you and a different member of your bridal party. Yes, it might take a little bit of extra work on your part, but it’ll help her get assimilated to your friends instead of just throwing her into a pack of girls and hoping she gets along with everyone.

-Does she drink? If so, get this girl some wine (or beverage of choice) to help loosen her up a little bit.

-Did she have a bridal party/bridesmaides in her wedding. If no, then this is probably a big clue in her not knowing how to act in this situation so cut her some slack. If yes, then ask her for advice! ‘What did you do when you felt like your BMs didn’t all get along’ or ‘Was there a fun way you got everyone to get to know eachother’ or something like that.

Good luck! Just imagine how much closer you will be to her after this!