Dads Corner is not Dead Beat Dad advice corner

I don't mean to offend anyone maybe its just me. From looking around this forum I find that women come often to this forum to ask about Dead beats. If a guy has taken time to join a forum like this they have no clue what your talking about. Most men are very caring husbands and when they are having their baby they really like to pamper their partners.

I don't mean to offend anyone maybe its just me. From looking around this forum I find that women come often to this forum to ask about Dead beats. If a guy has taken time to join a forum like this they have no clue what your talking about. Most men are very caring husbands and when they are having their baby they really like to pamper their partners.

Well us soon to-be-mothers that have dead beat dads needs advise from father a prespective. It's very hard for a woman to completely understand why the father wouldn't want to be involed in their own child life. Even though you are involed with your partner your still an expecting or father already that have some advice you could give us on what could be going through their minds. Maybe trying to put yourself in a the position of woman who doesn't have someone like you. The fear, sadness and the overall emotional rollercoaster is a challenge and all we want is understanding and if you could help us by sharing some advises it could long way.

Well us soon to-be-mothers that have dead beat dads needs advise from father a prespective. It's very hard for a woman to completely understand why the father wouldn't want to be involed in their own child life. Even though you are involed with your partner your still an expecting or father already that have some advice you could give us on what could be going through their minds. Maybe trying to put yourself in a the position of woman who doesn't have someone like you. The fear, sadness and the overall emotional rollercoaster is a challenge and all we want is understanding and if you could help us by sharing some advises it could long way.

"Well us soon to-be-mothers that have dead beat dads needs advise from father a prespective. It's very hard for a woman to completely understand why the father wouldn't want to be involed in their own child life"

I think Roger's point is, anyone who is hanging out in WTE and posting around here can't understand why a father wouldn't want to be involved in their own child's life, either.

It's like asking a group of people who aren't drug users how someone could be an addict.

Any answer you are going to get is going to be pure speculation, and our guess is as good as yours.

"Well us soon to-be-mothers that have dead beat dads needs advise from father a prespective. It's very hard for a woman to completely understand why the father wouldn't want to be involed in their own child life"

I think Roger's point is, anyone who is hanging out in WTE and posting around here can't understand why a father wouldn't want to be involved in their own child's life, either.

It's like asking a group of people who aren't drug users how someone could be an addict.

Any answer you are going to get is going to be pure speculation, and our guess is as good as yours.

I wish we knew what goes through Dead beats head we really don't. There are very few Dads in these forums and they are the opposite of "Dead Beats" we want to be "Super Dads" "World's Best Dad" So it is depressing when we get asked about "Dead Beats" we just can't relate.Â

I wish we knew what goes through Dead beats head we really don't. There are very few Dads in these forums and they are the opposite of "Dead Beats" we want to be "Super Dads" "World's Best Dad" So it is depressing when we get asked about "Dead Beats" we just can't relate.Â

I don't fully agree with these inquiries being misguided. Even as a very caring attentive husband and father to be (July 28th) I know dead beats, whether fathers or not, as well as have had very 'no BS' talks with them. I have seen responsible 'men' run from many situations whether it fatherhood, relationships, college, or jobs. It is understandable that women come here looking for answers and advice from non 'dead beats'. I'm sure a former dead beat that could provide a path of enlightenment is the ultimate goal but some general advice from some 'good dads/fathers to be' could go a long way... I work with children who have been neglected/abused at a preschool so unfortunately I see a lot of very bad home situations, all of which come from their own unique situations. Some are beyond reunifying with their families but many are also families with bad odds and situations I couldn't imagine living in looking for help, answers, and/or advise. So any insight any 'good' man/husband/father can provide should be offered happily. :-) sorry... That became a rant. I am just a happy guy passionate about my job, kids, and my wife.

I don't fully agree with these inquiries being misguided. Even as a very caring attentive husband and father to be (July 28th) I know dead beats, whether fathers or not, as well as have had very 'no BS' talks with them. I have seen responsible 'men' run from many situations whether it fatherhood, relationships, college, or jobs. It is understandable that women come here looking for answers and advice from non 'dead beats'. I'm sure a former dead beat that could provide a path of enlightenment is the ultimate goal but some general advice from some 'good dads/fathers to be' could go a long way... I work with children who have been neglected/abused at a preschool so unfortunately I see a lot of very bad home situations, all of which come from their own unique situations. Some are beyond reunifying with their families but many are also families with bad odds and situations I couldn't imagine living in looking for help, answers, and/or advise. So any insight any 'good' man/husband/father can provide should be offered happily. :-) sorry... That became a rant. I am just a happy guy passionate about my job, kids, and my wife.

I agree with all the men. I tell my husband stories on here like a man wanting to go to a bachelor party 5 hrs away when his wife is 38 1/2 weeks pregnant and he doesn't get it. He wouldn't be able to offer any help except that he says they need to grow up and be a man and father that would be ok with staying home to be with his wife in that situatioYou've us such a good husband and father that he can't think about the situation from that man's point of view because he thinks it's a ridiculous situation and not even debatable. You can't change people. They are who they are. So any woman that comes here asking other men how to make their SO different may have just chosen the wrong person for themselves. If your looking for a successful relationship you have to love someone for who they are, especially before you have a child with them. No other man is going to be able to tell you how to change your SO.

I agree with all the men. I tell my husband stories on here like a man wanting to go to a bachelor party 5 hrs away when his wife is 38 1/2 weeks pregnant and he doesn't get it. He wouldn't be able to offer any help except that he says they need to grow up and be a man and father that would be ok with staying home to be with his wife in that situatioYou've us such a good husband and father that he can't think about the situation from that man's point of view because he thinks it's a ridiculous situation and not even debatable. You can't change people. They are who they are. So any woman that comes here asking other men how to make their SO different may have just chosen the wrong person for themselves. If your looking for a successful relationship you have to love someone for who they are, especially before you have a child with them. No other man is going to be able to tell you how to change your SO.

I think though, Kyle, the point is that any "insight" we provide is going to be second hand information, and in that respect, I don't think there is much of a male/female dependence. For example, any insight you have, for example, would come from your conversations with other deadbeats, and that is fair and helpful. But are you more likely to have had those conversations because you are a guy? Perhaps someone would be more open with a guy, yes, but then again it's not like guys are necessarily as likely to have had these conversations either.

I tend to think that moms can get a lot more useful help regarding deadbeat dads from other moms who have had to put up with them. Maybe not so much on the "why do they do that?" front, which I think you really have to ask them for, but in terms of advice and support, I think those who have been through it can be a lot better.

As I noted originally, if you look at the threads here where this comes up, there's not a lot of sympathy for the dads, and the answers are pretty simplistic - "Drop the bum". I think we are honest, but I don't think the advice comes from having any great insight into men's psyche.

I think though, Kyle, the point is that any "insight" we provide is going to be second hand information, and in that respect, I don't think there is much of a male/female dependence. For example, any insight you have, for example, would come from your conversations with other deadbeats, and that is fair and helpful. But are you more likely to have had those conversations because you are a guy? Perhaps someone would be more open with a guy, yes, but then again it's not like guys are necessarily as likely to have had these conversations either.

I tend to think that moms can get a lot more useful help regarding deadbeat dads from other moms who have had to put up with them. Maybe not so much on the "why do they do that?" front, which I think you really have to ask them for, but in terms of advice and support, I think those who have been through it can be a lot better.

As I noted originally, if you look at the threads here where this comes up, there's not a lot of sympathy for the dads, and the answers are pretty simplistic - "Drop the bum". I think we are honest, but I don't think the advice comes from having any great insight into men's psyche.

Here an analogy I would give on how I feel. Its like saying most of the murderers are men. Your a man can you tell me why they do this?

The answer is that men who have joined this forum really love their wives and don't have a clue what you are talking about. We sympathize with your plight. But don't just say your a guy tell me what goes on in a guys head who does this. We don't know we are not those guys.

Here an analogy I would give on how I feel. Its like saying most of the murderers are men. Your a man can you tell me why they do this?

The answer is that men who have joined this forum really love their wives and don't have a clue what you are talking about. We sympathize with your plight. But don't just say your a guy tell me what goes on in a guys head who does this. We don't know we are not those guys.

It's taken me a while to respond to this, as I've been chewing it over in my brain.

It's becoming more and more true though, more and more of the topics here in the dad's forum are becoming "Please gimmie insight into why he'd do this!" kinds of threads.

And it *IS* kinda upsetting, to be honest.

Look, I dunno why anyone's husband OR wife is going crazy and being distant. I can't get inside the head of someone else.

Because my own experience is that I've been adamant about attending every doctor's visit, in talking to Beaker when I get home from work in the morning. I read Beaker a book at night, I talk openly with my wife about our ideas, plans, and thoughts on everything from her day now, to the delivery day, to beyond.

I read the books, I'm on the forums, and I'm the one that insisted we spend another 200 bucks on more stuff for the nursery.

So I can't understand WHY someone wants to run away from an awesome experience.

Though I can try and guess.

But I think we need a sticky or something up top:

"If your guy has cheated, is distant, is angry, grumpy, not talking, too talky, sad, quiet, or otherwise not doing things you think he should be doing:

TALK TO HIM

That's how you'll know what's going on."

It seems a LOT of these things can be dealt with via the simple act of communication.

If THAT doesn't work, then I could see wanting some more insight...

/end of rant :D

It's taken me a while to respond to this, as I've been chewing it over in my brain.

It's becoming more and more true though, more and more of the topics here in the dad's forum are becoming "Please gimmie insight into why he'd do this!" kinds of threads.

And it *IS* kinda upsetting, to be honest.

Look, I dunno why anyone's husband OR wife is going crazy and being distant. I can't get inside the head of someone else.

Because my own experience is that I've been adamant about attending every doctor's visit, in talking to Beaker when I get home from work in the morning. I read Beaker a book at night, I talk openly with my wife about our ideas, plans, and thoughts on everything from her day now, to the delivery day, to beyond.

I read the books, I'm on the forums, and I'm the one that insisted we spend another 200 bucks on more stuff for the nursery.

So I can't understand WHY someone wants to run away from an awesome experience.

Though I can try and guess.

But I think we need a sticky or something up top:

"If your guy has cheated, is distant, is angry, grumpy, not talking, too talky, sad, quiet, or otherwise not doing things you think he should be doing:

TALK TO HIM

That's how you'll know what's going on."

It seems a LOT of these things can be dealt with via the simple act of communication.

Thanks Chad for the support. Its good to know that other guys feel the same way. I was hoping that replying to this post will keep this all the way up so we get fewer of these request everyday. I also found a dads forum which was much more interesting at dadlabs dot com and not depressing I do read the WTE books and get valuable information but don't want to be a Dead Bead Dad counsler. Maybe we can keep a count of how many request we get every day/week

Thanks Chad for the support. Its good to know that other guys feel the same way. I was hoping that replying to this post will keep this all the way up so we get fewer of these request everyday. I also found a dads forum which was much more interesting at dadlabs dot com and not depressing I do read the WTE books and get valuable information but don't want to be a Dead Bead Dad counsler. Maybe we can keep a count of how many request we get every day/week

"It's taken me a while to respond to this, as I've been chewing it over in my brain.

It's becoming more and more true though, more and more of the topics here in the dad's forum are becoming "Please gimmie insight into why he'd do this!" kinds of threads."

Hey! I recently started a thread about sexual positions. Unfortunately, not too many guys had much to contribute, apparently.

Either that or they are uncomfortable talking about sex...

:-)

The only thing I would say about your rant is that I don't quite blame lack of communication as much as you do. I think that sometimes moms need advice about how to communicate with guys, and that is where I think we can help. I'm thinking, for example, in your last post about the mom who can't get her guy to have sex (another example of a situation that I really can't comprehend)

"It's taken me a while to respond to this, as I've been chewing it over in my brain.

It's becoming more and more true though, more and more of the topics here in the dad's forum are becoming "Please gimmie insight into why he'd do this!" kinds of threads."

Hey! I recently started a thread about sexual positions. Unfortunately, not too many guys had much to contribute, apparently.

Either that or they are uncomfortable talking about sex...

:-)

The only thing I would say about your rant is that I don't quite blame lack of communication as much as you do. I think that sometimes moms need advice about how to communicate with guys, and that is where I think we can help. I'm thinking, for example, in your last post about the mom who can't get her guy to have sex (another example of a situation that I really can't comprehend)

I might be a mom but I agree with you. Even us moms sometimes would like a discussion thread about something other than pregnancy and babies. NBA...go Magic! Nascar...Johnson needs to step up. Can't wait to see the new Russell Crow movie "Robin Hood" (love historical period movies) Waiting anxiously for the new season of Californication on Showtime. Can't wait to see Pokerstars new show "The Big Game".

There is more to life than having a baby...we can't lose ourselves in the process.

I might be a mom but I agree with you. Even us moms sometimes would like a discussion thread about something other than pregnancy and babies. NBA...go Magic! Nascar...Johnson needs to step up. Can't wait to see the new Russell Crow movie "Robin Hood" (love historical period movies) Waiting anxiously for the new season of Californication on Showtime. Can't wait to see Pokerstars new show "The Big Game".

There is more to life than having a baby...we can't lose ourselves in the process.

"I might be a mom but I agree with you. Even us moms sometimes would
like a discussion thread about something other than pregnancy and
babies."

Hey, when I was in the monthly groups, I would have been happy with a thread that wasn't COMPLAINING about pregnancy or some aspect of it, or otherwise whining about people being mean. That's why I quit that nonsense.

I agree that this section could be a lot more diverse in topics, but man, it has it far and away better than the content-free monthly groups, which are basically either "Someone was mean to me" followed up with "oh you poor baby, people (usually men) suck" or "Isn't my US picture wonderful" followed up by, "I'm happy for you"

I called it the equivalent of everyone sharing their favorite color, which is nothing that can be discussed. What is there to discuss when someone tells their favorite color? Telling them my favorite color isn't all that useful.

At least here when we are speculating, even about topics for which we know nothing, there are disagreements and discussion about it.

"I might be a mom but I agree with you. Even us moms sometimes would
like a discussion thread about something other than pregnancy and
babies."

Hey, when I was in the monthly groups, I would have been happy with a thread that wasn't COMPLAINING about pregnancy or some aspect of it, or otherwise whining about people being mean. That's why I quit that nonsense.

I agree that this section could be a lot more diverse in topics, but man, it has it far and away better than the content-free monthly groups, which are basically either "Someone was mean to me" followed up with "oh you poor baby, people (usually men) suck" or "Isn't my US picture wonderful" followed up by, "I'm happy for you"

I called it the equivalent of everyone sharing their favorite color, which is nothing that can be discussed. What is there to discuss when someone tells their favorite color? Telling them my favorite color isn't all that useful.

At least here when we are speculating, even about topics for which we know nothing, there are disagreements and discussion about it.

I usually try to check this board out just for the variety. Right now, I'm sick of seeing 16 billion "it's a _____!" threads on my HB. Do we all need our own threads for that announcement? Really? I also like to hang out on Hot Topics and Green Parenting. At least they give something else to talk about for awhile. The dads over here are generally interesting, though. And I'm glad you all were willing to find me the correct information for some stuff. :)

I usually try to check this board out just for the variety. Right now, I'm sick of seeing 16 billion "it's a _____!" threads on my HB. Do we all need our own threads for that announcement? Really? I also like to hang out on Hot Topics and Green Parenting. At least they give something else to talk about for awhile. The dads over here are generally interesting, though. And I'm glad you all were willing to find me the correct information for some stuff. :)

Seriously, what is there to say in a thread like that, other than good for you. Although, I don't even know why that is appropriate. Congratulations isn't even right, because it's one or the other, and both are good.

It's pure vanity, with no content.

Put that as your Facebook or profile status so your friends can see.

I've got recent US pics, too, but you know what? They look a lot like everyone else's, so I'll just defer to them (that's not to say I'm not excited - I have the video on the iPod and pictures on my blackberry, so I'm not shirking in my fatherly duty of showing baby pictures to everyone I meet)

(btw, we didn't learn the sex -- maybe I should start a thread of "I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Damn, it's almost worth going back to the Oct group just to post that...)

Seriously, what is there to say in a thread like that, other than good for you. Although, I don't even know why that is appropriate. Congratulations isn't even right, because it's one or the other, and both are good.

It's pure vanity, with no content.

Put that as your Facebook or profile status so your friends can see.

I've got recent US pics, too, but you know what? They look a lot like everyone else's, so I'll just defer to them (that's not to say I'm not excited - I have the video on the iPod and pictures on my blackberry, so I'm not shirking in my fatherly duty of showing baby pictures to everyone I meet)

(btw, we didn't learn the sex -- maybe I should start a thread of "I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Damn, it's almost worth going back to the Oct group just to post that...)

LOL. I was hoping that things would change a little bit as we got used to being pregnant and got to know each other better. Nope. Every now and then, there will be something non-baby on there. Oh, and there have been several posts about "Team Green." As for what to say... I don't really know either, so I just don't even bother opening the thread. I wanted a girl and we're having a boy. I'm happy now, but "congratulations" wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear after we found out. That might make me a bad parent, but I've come around to the idea of having a boy now.

I'm actually looking forward to shopping for Father's Day. I'm thinking that I'll try to get DH something that either he can use now or that he'll be able to use with Peanut later on. He's been talking a lot about all the things he wants to teach our baby, so I thought I could get him some stuff to start with like a jr. soccer ball or things like that. Of course, I'll also give him a grown-up present too. This year, he got me flower boxes and planters for the deck and porch. He said that he put in the "investment" this year for Mother's Day so that all he'll have to do later is take the kid(s) shopping for flowers to put in them and a card. :)

LOL. I was hoping that things would change a little bit as we got used to being pregnant and got to know each other better. Nope. Every now and then, there will be something non-baby on there. Oh, and there have been several posts about "Team Green." As for what to say... I don't really know either, so I just don't even bother opening the thread. I wanted a girl and we're having a boy. I'm happy now, but "congratulations" wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear after we found out. That might make me a bad parent, but I've come around to the idea of having a boy now.

I'm actually looking forward to shopping for Father's Day. I'm thinking that I'll try to get DH something that either he can use now or that he'll be able to use with Peanut later on. He's been talking a lot about all the things he wants to teach our baby, so I thought I could get him some stuff to start with like a jr. soccer ball or things like that. Of course, I'll also give him a grown-up present too. This year, he got me flower boxes and planters for the deck and porch. He said that he put in the "investment" this year for Mother's Day so that all he'll have to do later is take the kid(s) shopping for flowers to put in them and a card. :)

One thing I noticed about October. In the old days, every month used to have a "Longest Thread" thread, where people kept posting random stuff, sometimes having random discussions or sometimes, just silly things, like where someone would post the alphabet 1 letter at a time. These threads would get to be 10s of thousands of posts long. I know there was one started in Oct 10, but it never caught on, at least when I was there.

Is that not a common thing any more?

While it wasn't a big deal, and I didn't participate much in it (although that was the thread where I posted my infamous "babybump" pictures in Dec 08), it added a lighter air to the group. It was the social place, the fun place. I saw the lack of that in Oct 10 as a reflection of the general attitude.

I don't know if that was only that month where that happened, or if that is generally out of habit nowadays, but I lament it :-(

One thing I noticed about October. In the old days, every month used to have a "Longest Thread" thread, where people kept posting random stuff, sometimes having random discussions or sometimes, just silly things, like where someone would post the alphabet 1 letter at a time. These threads would get to be 10s of thousands of posts long. I know there was one started in Oct 10, but it never caught on, at least when I was there.

Is that not a common thing any more?

While it wasn't a big deal, and I didn't participate much in it (although that was the thread where I posted my infamous "babybump" pictures in Dec 08), it added a lighter air to the group. It was the social place, the fun place. I saw the lack of that in Oct 10 as a reflection of the general attitude.

I don't know if that was only that month where that happened, or if that is generally out of habit nowadays, but I lament it :-(

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