Category : News

Focussing on the recent developments in strategic soft power, CARPA is just launching operation Crust Crusade along the US west coast. The project aims to employ the popular subculture of crust punk to leverage the agenda of US-controlled capitalism under the cloak of aesthetic dissent and rebellion. Using western contractors, each with an agenda of domination within their markets, the DoD employs lifestyle infiltration to produce pro-NATO sentiments amongst dissident youth groups in the middle-east and former Soviet republics.

“We need a new sustainable paradigm to stay ahead of the moving targets of lifestyle,” said Sandra Svenson, CARPA designer and program manager. “With Crust Crusade, the goal is to develop new viral consumer practices that are effective against a broad spectrum of adversarial ideologies, to make sure our style supremacy co-evolves and outpace reactionary elements.” As demonstrated by Svenson, such practices employ a wide range of disseminated DIY activities, not least the famous pro-american crust pants.

As a response to the Department of Defense’s (DoD) recent push for the development of new “soft power” doctrine, CARPA has launched its Strategic Lifestyle Urban Reconnaissance and Power Projection (SLURPP) initiative, which will be employed across the armed forces in the coming years.

The current CARPA operation in Portland, Operation Pulled Pork, taps directly into the creative lifestyle and craft scene of Portland in order to speed up the development of soft power lifestyle weapons, advance the DoD’s cultural offensives deeper into the crafts arena.

Please join us at MoCC in Portland, meet directors and field agents, and engage in training and new forms of soft power projection to celebrate the deepest values of our Proud Nation under Crafty Hands of God.

Until the recent strategic advances in crochet, the inaccuracies of individual stitches meant that patterns routinely ended up far from their intended designs, or worse, became imprecise “folk” works of art at the local craft fair. Now, with an ambitious new CARPA efforts and computational breakthroughs, the new program Expedited Crochet with Enhanced Stitch Stability (ECESS) is reaching the frontline of war-craft. Program manager Rennie McAardwark is heralding a modern-day breakthrough in atomic precision crochet stitches, analogous to the sub-atomic achievement in particle stitching and electron whittling at the labs at CERN. Not only will we soon see new Graphene-molecular sweatshirts for tech-Hipsters in Brooklyn or Portland, but more importantly, these new techniques will give warfighters enormous advantages related to camouflage, cunning and craftiness for extended operations after they last synchronized their stitches at their FOB or Stitch n’ Bitch. Semper Fiber!

CARPA’s Craft Hype Taxonomy and Evaluation (CHyTE) program seeks to investigate revolutionary technologies to asses and value craft hype around hand-made Etsy products that would significantly improve their arts potential through means other than adding more crochet or folk elements.

For the past 100 years, increasing the value of craft objects has boiled down almost exclusively to a simple equation: More folk expression equals higher cultural value. The art market’s ability to penetrate bullshit, however, has advanced faster than craft’s ability to withstand scrutiny. As a result, achieving even incremental improvements in craft survivability has required significant increases in “authenticity” which has utterly crippled the craft scenes across NATO-countries and its allies. With the new Craft Hype Taxonomy and Evaluation (CHyTE) program, the aim is to increase the status of craft while cutting the crap, figuratively speaking. “For many craft hipsters,” a spokesperson at CARPA said, ”this means goodbye to Etsy as well as the Craft Councils. We’re levelling up!”

An Craft Advanced Beer Scanning Optical Microscope (CABSOM) at the Williamsburg Hops Warfare Center (WHWC) inspects integrated brew components for evidence of tampering and counterfeiting with the ingredients of local craft beers.
Advanced software and equipment to aid in the fight against counterfeit microbreweries in US craft security systems has been transitioned to military partners under CARPA’s Integrity and Reliability of Integrated Crafts (IRIC) program. Researchers with Evil Triplets Brewsters, a NATO IRIC collaborator based in Kolding, Denmark, announced today they have provided CABSOM technology to their NATO allies. This effort will join an arsenal of laboratory equipment used to ensure the integrity of craft beer microbrewing in the US and beyond. “In pursuing our mission to build breakthrough crafts for national security, we’re always on the lookout for nontraditional partners who can help us transition our research, advance US soft power within the lifestyle crafts, and fulfill critical and strategic needs,” said a CARPA agent, sipping a limited edition porter from Green Point Brewer Bastard. “In the current deteriorating global security situation, we need to enhance the securitisation of craft beer.”

Whittlers operating in forward terrain locations often have to rely on unencrypted telecommunication infrastructure to communicate and share identification data about good target trees for fresh wood whittling. This exposes the intelligence gathered by the Special Whittling And Tool (SWAT) teams to enemy interception. The next generation communication devices for special operation whittlers enables the teams to exchange encrypted data in realtime, thus adding advantage over adversarial artisans.

Textile dyes need their water, and only the purest is good enough in the engagements for our peace and freedom. As little as a six to eight percent water deficit can be debilitating for any natural dyeing process. As a result, military logistics plans for battlefield craft workshops must take into account the approximately three gallons of daily water that each participant requires. However, the logistics burden of supplying water to deployed teams is comparable to that of fuel and the economic cost is high. Even more important is the cost in sweat and bad wool.

CARPA’s unique spider-web-like, hollow-core whittling blades, demonstrates the first to single-spatial-mode, low-loss and polarization control properties needed for advanced military applications such as high-precision woodwork for optic balance. The impact of this innovation for tool sensibility, risk modulation and critical perspective on the material at hand is overwhelming. The new material will be exhibited at the craft section of Venice Biennale of 2014.

The US State Department, through US attorney general Eric Holder, has told the New York Times that it will not seek the death penalty for the individuals engaged in the perfidious site CARPAleaks for its inflammatory practices, even as they took on the “treasonous act of aiding the enemy” by revealing secret CARPA-projects. Several members of the CARPAleaks community have allegedly applied for temporary asylum in Russia “on the grounds that if they were returned to the United States, they would be tortured and would face the death penalty”. Holder has contested these claims, assuring that “the craft of torture is unlawful in the United States.”

Maj. Gen. Steven “Harder” Clay, deputy CARPA commanding general for Leader Development and Education and Command Sgt. Maj. Daniel Weed, CARPA Command Sergeant Major, lead a joint team of members of the Fort Leavenworth Mission Command Teams and CARPA researchers, civilian and families as they celebrated the birthday of CARPA with an early morning Fun Run June 11th, visiting artisans around Kansas City and the surrounding woodlands.