My name is CJ, and I'm an Erotic Massage Therapist. Now if you don't know what that is - I work in a massage parlor. Ever drive by one of those places with a red neon sign that says "SPA" and wonder what goes on behind those blackened windows? Well I'm gonna tell ya my massage parlor secrets! I'll teach you what a "Happy Ending" is and all the little tricks I use to give one. So just lay back, relax, and let me do my job... And remember - I work for tips.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Freak of the Week 2 - Captain Haircut

Luna came to me last weekend while I was on break and told me she had just had the oddest session. She said “This guy just came in wearing a full army uniform – camouflage and everything.” That rang a bell in my head, but I let her continue. “Said he’s a regular here and asked who else was working. I told him you were on break, but he said he was in a hurry and all and it wouldn’t take long.” I start smiling because I think I know where this is going.“So anyways, he asks for 30 minutes. Then says real matter-of-fact like if I could get some extra towels and a cup of hot water.” I notice that Luna isn’t bothered by this story, just sort of confused. I just nod and tell her to continue. “So then I gets him in the room and he just sits in the chair. And when I tried to tell him about the options, he cuts me off and says he doesn’t take any. So he says…” and here Luna leans in to make it sound more dramatic, “… he asks… 'Would you cut my hair?'”

I knew it – Captain Haircut! I haven’t seen him in a while, but he shows up like clockwork: first weekend of every month. He’s not from around here, but the Reserves give him an excuse to visit us on a regular basis. He’s quiet in a creepy kinda way, but he’s also harmless. I probably would have told you about him eventually, but Luna’s first experience with him is far more fun.

My eyes got wide. “No way!” I said in pretend surprise. “Did you tell him we’re a massage parlor?”

“Uh yeah. But he said that’s why he’s here because he needs it done in a very precise way. I figured he wanted me topless while I did it or something, but nope. He says I can keep everything on. Then he opens up this packback and pulls out some clippers, and then some shaving cream and a razor.” She starts nodding her head, “And then I realize what the extra towels and cup of hot water are for… He expects me to cut and shave his head!” And with this she smacks her forehead.

I started laughing as if I’d heard this guys story for the first time. But wait, it gets better.

“He says ‘I like it when ladies cut my hair’ all serious like. And I’m like do you want me to jerk you off or something when we’re done? And he’s like ‘that won’t be necessary.’ So we talk price and he says Trina charged him $60 last time, so I said OK.”

Luna sits down next to me for the next part of her story. “Anyways, he sits back and starts to undo his army pants. So I’m figuring this is where he’s gonna do something weird. But instead, he reaches back into his bag and pulls out a wad of tissues. Then, get this - he shoves the wad of tissues into his underwear. Weird huh?” I nod in agreement and tell her to go on. “Well then he asks me for the towels, so I go over and help him put them around his neck and shoulders. Then I gets the clippers and he tells me to cut his hair real slow and not to miss anything.

Now I’ve cut my kids hair before, so I know how to use clippers. So I start on the back of his neck and work my way up slowly, see. And then I notice he’s like making these little noises. So I stop and ask if he’s OK, and he’s like ‘Yes, keep going’ so I’m like whatever, so I keep going.” Now I lean in to listen since this is getting good. “Then I notice that he’s starting to moan louder like each time I make a pass on his head. So then I looked down to see if he’s touching himself, and he’s not. His hands are sitting on his knees, right? Well anyways, I keep going and I have to admit that the mom in me wants to do a good job. So I go really slow and making sure I don’t miss anything and that it looks even and everything, right?”

Now I start laughing since I’m loving this story, and I know how it ends.

“I am not kidding CJ! His eyes are closed and he’s actually moaning as I cut his hair. But then I finish, and I ask him ‘now what?’ So he tells me to dip the razor in the cup with the hot water. Meanwhile, he takes the shaving cream thing and starts lathering up his head, OK? When he’s done and ready, he wipes the stuff off his hands on the towels and says in a really quiet voice, ‘Now shave it really, really slow. I’ll tell you when to stop.”

“So what did you do?!” I asked. I was really digging her story at this point.

Luna shrugged her shoulders. “I starting shaving, like he said. I started at his forehead and worked my way back. So now it’s obvious that this guy is moaning and breathing heavy. And I swear CJ, each time I dragged that razor across his head, you’d think I was stroking his cock. He just kept moaning and his breathing kept getting heavier and heavier. It was kinda scary, but kinda interesting at the same time. Know what I mean? Well anyways, I finished the top of his head and started the back of his head when all of a sudden he says ‘STOP.'

You should have seen me… I froze right there! So then he says kinda normal now ‘Thank you. I’ll finish the rest.’ Then he takes the razor from me and rinses it in the cup. Then he towels his head off. Now I can see that I’ve only finished about half of his head, but I didn’t say anything since I was still just weirded out. So now here’s the freaky thing… he reaches into his army pants and pulls out the wad of tissue! Gross, right? Well I knew he was a regular at this point because he took the tissues and put them in a plastic bag and then packed that with the rest of his shaving stuff and clippers in his backpack. Then he buttons his pants up, says ‘Thank you’ again, then gets up and leaves. That was probably the freakiest $60 I’ve ever made”

I am laughing my ass off at this point. Not because any of this is new to me, but just Luna’s whole take on it. I should have warned her about Captain Haircut. Oh well. It’s funnier this way!

I was talking to a friend of mine last weekend and she mentioned something mundane - I can't remember what it was - and wondered if someone had a fetish for it. I assured her, that at least one person, out of six billion, found it erotic.

In our business, you really don't want any evidence of bodily fluids on tissues collecting in the rooms or in the trash. Instead, we use only cloth towels and sheets in the room, which are changed after every customer and washed every day.

Besides, would you really want nasty used tissues building up in the trash after a day of customers? Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I'm sure we all know here that the whole BODY can be an erogenous zone. It's just a matter of arousal level. In this guy's case, there's a psychological component too, obviously. But I also remember deriving some pleasure from haircuts before going bald - it does feel good. And just look at your dog's "reaction" when you pet or brush him...

A lot of masseuses do the criss-cross technique that CJ uses elsewhere on the thighs and lats, BTW, and I swear, the sensations on my back were pretty intense once. The woman made me shiver, but there was no effect down south. I still remember my first foot massage, too. I used to dismiss those as metrosexual pampering, but you gotta feel the tingling energy crawl up your ankles and calves to understand.