Whew! Always feels good to get that first juvenile insult out there. Really sets the tone for the day. Now, let’s dig in.

ARLINGTON, Texas – In the hours before dawn on Tuesday winter slammed into this place they call The Metroplex.

A frozen rain pattered against windows, a frigid gale whipped through the streets. By dawn the streets and highways were coated with ice.

Snow was general all over Arlington. It was falling on every part of the dark central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the Susan Skaggs’ mini skirt and, farther westward, softly falling into the Double J’s scalp creases. It was falling, too, upon every part of the lonely Sheraton hotel room where Peter King lay full off Toffee Peanut Double Nougat Crunch Jolly Ranher Clif bars. It lay thickly drifted on the pussy of Joe Fishback’s hooker for the evening, on the Mike Irvin’s cocaine mirror, on the barren marriage of Troy Aikman and his beard, falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of going from the playoffs to 6-10, upon all the living and the dead. And on Les Carpenter. Poor, poor Les Carpenter.

And the question rose again: why, why, why does the NFL insist on playing its biggest game in cities that can not guarantee good weather?

I dunno, Les. Could it because NO city can ever guarantee good weather? Not even San Diego, which actually averages 43 days of precipitation a year? Oh, and because I’m watching the game at home and COULD NOT GIVE LESS OF A FUCK THAT THERE WAS SNOW IN TOWN FIVE FUCKING DAYS BEFORE THE GAME WAS EVEN SLATED TO BEGIN?

It is clear a lot of people have spent years working to make sure this place they are suddenly calling North Texas puts on a fine Super Bowl. It’s not their fault an ice storm hit on Tuesday. And it’s not their fault that Dallas is unfit to host a Super Bowl.

Of course it’s fit to host a Super Bowl. It has a stadium. It has people. It has a place where you can stick a camera. Oh sorry, did you also want a resort with a swim-up bar and casino? Well then, take vacation time and go on a fucking vacation. It’s football. It can be played anywhere. WHY OH WHY DID THEY HAVE TO STAGE THESE WINTER OLYMPICS IN LILLEHAMMER?!

Indianapolis, Detroit, Atlanta and all the other cold or fringe weather cities that have hosted or been given Super Bowls present similar problems. The game is not meant to be hosted in cold places.

O RLY? Please, give me your reasons. I’d love to hear them.

The success of the Super Bowl always came with balmy afternoons where fans and sponsors could enjoy golf junkets…

Holy shit. Really. REALLY? A Super Bowl is only successful if a corporate sponsor can experience a proper golf junket? I understand that. I remember watching the 2003 Super Bowl and thinking to myself, “You know, this game-winning drive by New England sure is entertaining. But I just can’t quite enjoy it because I don’t know if Papa John was able to get in a quick 18 today in between meetings.” Totally ruined the game for me.

…and the game was certain to be played in conditions no worse than rain. Super Bowl weeks become a convention of sorts where players and sponsors and opportunists all meet to celebrate the nearly completed season.

WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE OPPORTUNISTS? THEY ONLY GET TO OPPORTUNIZE ONCE A YEAR! To think, Charles Mann might have to travel through SNOW to sell his autograph on radio row! GAH! CAN’T STAND IT! DEATH ONLY SOLUTION! PREFERABLY IN A WARM CLIMATE!

Super Bowls should be played in a constant rotation between San Diego, New Orleans and Miami, with occasional forays into Phoenix and Tampa. When Los Angeles gets its new stadium – which it invariably will – it can be added to the mix.

I suppose Los Angeles can be allowed into the mix, provided it has the golf facilities nearby I so desperately require.

It’s clear to me that the Super Bowl hosting duties should be awarded not by the league, but by a Blue Ribbon panel of thin-skinned sportswriters. We could have Les on there, and Petey King, and Billy Simmons. They could make sure the game is played in Miami every year, and they could make sure to block off hotel rooms with good coffee and all the pampering their spoiled, sorry asses require. EXTRA TICKET FOR JACKO PLEEZZZ

The league has already handed the 2014 Super Bowl to the new Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey, which is open-air and destined to be frigid by the time the game comes along.

And good football NEVER happens when it’s cold outside! When I think of football, I think of pitchers and catchers reporting and sharing a hot dog in the bleachers with my daddy. NOT snow.

Now one of Chicago’s mayoral candidates, Gery Chico, is proposing the city should do all it can to land the game.

Oh no! NOT CHICAGO! There’s so little to do there, except eat like a king, drink like a fish, hang out with friendly locals, and enjoy the finest urban architecture in America! WHY NOT JUST HOLD THE GAME IN A FUCKING SEWER! DID YOU KNOW THERE WAS A BLIZZARD IN CHICAGO YESTERDAY?

Undoubtedly a movement will be undertaken. Another city that is ill-suited to host the Super Bowl will make a great push.

But they can bribe you like no one’s business.

And the game will get farther away from what it was meant to be.

Indeed. This was meant to be a free boondoggle for sportswriters and the VP of Planter’s peanuts. That was what the GAME, a football game played for three hours mostly to a televised audience, was meant to be. It wasn’t meant to be a football game. That would be silly!

Join The Discussion

THIS GUY is a whiny cunt and I’m upset that his father didn’t beat him while he was growing up.

Good work Drew.

02.02.11 at 2:06 pm

mrcreosote

Can we get Fhloston’s Paradise in on that Superbowl rotation? I’ve got a multipass you see.

02.02.11 at 2:09 pm

Dr.Vanostrand

@ mrcreosote

I’d give Leelu my 5th Element.
/bring the SB so the Kardashians can show up late and TMZ can cover
// Les sucks
/// dick joke

02.02.11 at 2:09 pm

Dr.Vanostrand

Meant bring the SB to LA

02.02.11 at 2:11 pm

DancingBaptist

Atlanta is ” cold / fringe ” weather ?

REALLY ?

Oh, and Atlanta, Indy and Det all have DOMES.

02.02.11 at 2:11 pm

SVB

Never mind the fact that reporters are on all-expense-paid trips to see the biggest sporting event of the year, and all they have to do in return is write a boring piece of shit article about how Big Ben is trying to fix his image problems.

02.02.11 at 2:12 pm

SMK73

Wow. James Joyce. Just wow.

02.02.11 at 2:12 pm

jv

did you guys proof read this one?

02.02.11 at 2:12 pm

House of Lofty Passes

@Mrcreosote

+1 cross dressing chris tucker to you good sir.

02.02.11 at 2:13 pm

85

The success of the Super Bowl always came with balmy afternoons where fans and sponsors could enjoy golf junkets…

You mean reporters and sponsors, right? Because there’s no mistaking that this is all about you enjoying the weather. Because fans couldn’t give a fuck less where the game’s being played if their team is playing in it. Because fans spend thousands upon thousands of dollars just to get to the site of the game and through the gates, while your mongoloid Fred Flintstone-looking ass expenses all of it.

Holy shit. Les Carpenter, you are one whiny little bitch.

02.02.11 at 2:13 pm

TH/DeSean Is My Anti-Drug

Man, he sure has a point. Remember Super Bowl XLI in Miami? Yep, clear skies, balmy weather, a treat for every… wait, what do you mean it rained cats and dogs there? HOLY FUCKING SHIT MY WORLD IS SHATTERED

02.02.11 at 2:13 pm

TheATM

This guy is the Snatchiest man on earth, I call him the snatcher.

/Jon Gruden

02.02.11 at 2:13 pm

Windy City Sulker

Appreciate the anti-hate for our fair city, Mr. Magary. And OH MY GOD this is like 10 PK Worst Travel Gripes of the Week at once.

02.02.11 at 2:14 pm

Redcoat

Thanks for the takedown, Drew. I read this column last night with the same feelings. Aren’t there editors at Yahoo Sports? I can’t wait for the New York Super Bowl and I hope it’s a blizzard that Sunday!

02.02.11 at 2:14 pm

Mayor Daley

The reason Chicago is a bad idea has nothing to do with weather, but rather a too-small stadium renovated by idiot owners and even-dumber Parks Dept, complete with shitty field and horrendous traffic.

02.02.11 at 2:14 pm

Hobokenbuc

Didnt New Orleans get drowned in a hurricane? How can they gurantee perfect weather?

02.02.11 at 2:16 pm

PenskeMaterial

“So folks in Dallas and Ft. Worth and everyplace else in this sprawl called North Texas can say they had a Super Bowl where the cheapest tickets cost more than $1,000 and parking is $95?

Yeah, because that’s so much fucking different than every other Super Bowl.

02.02.11 at 2:16 pm

Dread Pirate Roberts

Never mind that this guy doesn’t have his history right (the Super Bowl was a football game before it became a big corporate event). Football was fucking made for cold weather.

Does this guy think the Ice Bowl was a terrible and insignificant game of football?

Fuck him.

02.02.11 at 2:17 pm

Ericb

Imagine if they just held the game at the home stadium of the team with the better record. I’d love to read about the horror these people would experience being stuck in cities like Green Bay or Pittsburgh.

02.02.11 at 2:18 pm

Alex

“Undoubtedly a movement will be undertaken. Another city that is ill-suited to host the Super Bowl will make a great push.”

I can’t be the only one shocked that Drew didn’t rise to this bait.

02.02.11 at 2:19 pm

K-Mart

Woe is me, if only us journalist were treated better by getting Super Bowls in Florida or California. Woe is me, for I must suffer about because the NFL refuses to to cooperate with the unpredictable mother nature. Woe is me for having it be my job to cover these events and spend non of my own actual money. Woe is me for nobody thinks about me.

02.02.11 at 2:20 pm

Amy3125

I live in the south, so I feel I can complain about the cold since I live down here specifically to avoid it. However, if I get to go to the Super Bowl, for free or otherwise, I don’t care if it’s raining fire.

What a vag.

02.02.11 at 2:23 pm

SanSalvador

The history of the SB has always been tied to cold weather. Or have we all forgotten that the first two Super Bowls were played on the balmy tundra of Green Bay. How dare frigid Dallas ruin this legacy!

I wanna beat this guy to within an inch of his life, have the finest doctors in the world nurse him back to health, then beat him again. I hope he gets run over by an untrained fort worth plow driver.

02.02.11 at 2:25 pm

K-Mart

The game’s being played in fucking dome and yet it still can’t be enjoyed because the rest of the week was cold ass hell.

Journalist who complain about free trips are pussies who deserve to die and burn in hell.

02.02.11 at 2:26 pm

SVB

You trippin San. First one was in LA, second was in Miami

02.02.11 at 2:26 pm

johndewar

I never heard of this guy before now and I would like him to fade back into a cold, cold bolivian.

What. A. Tool.

Nice work, Drew.

02.02.11 at 2:26 pm

NJSeahawksFan

I pray for snow for the 2014 Super Bowl. To watch 2 teams play in front of a half empty stadium because all of the corporate jackoffs who were given seats will be staying in because “it’s cold outside” will give me great pleasure.

02.02.11 at 2:29 pm

Kgbspy

New Orleans never has weather issues at all.

/Katrina’d

02.02.11 at 2:30 pm

K-Mart

Les Carpenter deserves to hit a patch of black ice on his way to Radio Row, go over a bridge, and hit land on a river full of AIDS. I’m sure the Trinity would do just well.

02.02.11 at 2:31 pm

All I know of football I learned from KSK

“When Los Angeles gets its new stadium – which it invariably will – it can be added to the mix.”

invariably=in every case and on every occasion

/I do not think that means what you think it means.
//whiny bitching no excuse for poor language skills
///dick joke

02.02.11 at 2:32 pm

Tracer Bullet

If the Eagles were in the Super Bowl I’d happily travel to the moon or the deepest pits of Hell. If I was sure they’d win, I’d even travel to Baltimore. If I was going for free, I’d just pack my official team-licensed cock ring in my bag and shut the hell up.

02.02.11 at 2:33 pm

0tarin

@Clue:
That was awesome. I wonder how he felt last year when he had to suffer through the harsh winter of Phoenix.

Looking at this list, there are quite a few times that places like Miami and New Orleans had terrible weather. I’d gladly put up whatever this douche is going through to be at this game. What a gash.

/Go Pack!

02.02.11 at 2:34 pm

Lobster Stuffed with Tacos

Since I’m not sure that my link worked correctly: html/www.sercc.com/SuperBowlClimate.pdf

02.02.11 at 2:36 pm

Rocco

I thought Buffalo had the finest urban architecture in America. (Buffalo and Chicago are actually the only cities with works still standing by Wright, Richardson, and Sullivan.)

02.02.11 at 2:36 pm

Little Lebowski Urban Achievers

I had that Transformer. The black side of the chest opened up and a tank was inside. And my mother sold it and every other one for $10 fucking dollars. It’s probably the one pictured. I hate you mom.

02.02.11 at 2:37 pm

gusthebear

I’ve never wanted to seriously stab a person until I read that “golf junket” line.

02.02.11 at 2:38 pm

Hand Model of Consistency

He’s right in one sense. North Texas is a dogshit place that deserves NOTHING. Cities should be chosen based on whether they are morally deserving of the publicity and economic boost. A sprawling megalopolis that calls itself THE METROPLEX (!?!) and is run by egomaniacal dickbag Jerry Jones deserves nothing more than a Roger Goodell Mushroom Tattoo.

02.02.11 at 2:39 pm

H Cuz

Because when I think of cold-weather venues that routinely get ice storms this time of year, I think of Dallas.

02.02.11 at 2:44 pm

LaFavre's Next Tractor

At the next Super Bowl in Miami, I hope Poppa John slips into a creek while hitting a golf shot and gets eaten by a Fucking Alligator, followed by the Fucking Alligator spitting Poppa John back up and saying. POPPA JOHN TASTES LIKE SHIT!

02.02.11 at 2:48 pm

Deux Deux Deux

I would guess that the VAST majority of the fans that will be attending the game are still working – not taking a two-week break to enjoy the junkets before the game. The fan has taken out a second mortgage to afford his tickets, he’s not pissing away his vacation time to see retired players saunter through a pass, punt, & kick competition to raise awareness for vaginosis.

02.02.11 at 2:48 pm

Jerome Simpson Cult Leader

Does he not remember that Miami’s last SB was IN THE MOTHERFUCKING RAIN? Also, does he not remember how goddamn cold the Jacksonville SB was?

I hope he chokes on 16 goat dicks.

02.02.11 at 2:52 pm

twoeightnine

All Super Bowls should be held in Buffalo from now on. Enjoy the Red Roof Inn douchebags!

02.02.11 at 2:56 pm

Purple Jesus

Urge to kill… rising….

02.02.11 at 2:56 pm

daddymag

HEY LES, THAT’S GREAT CUNTY!

(Slaps ass, HARD)

02.02.11 at 2:59 pm

Defdude

Holy shit I can’t wait for Les Carpenter’s dispatches from the 2016 Super Bowl in London.

02.02.11 at 2:59 pm

Tim

An homage to Joyce on his 129th birthday? Well-struck, Drew, you cultured son of a bitch.

02.02.11 at 3:00 pm

MD2020

@TH/DeDeSean is my anti-drug:

Not only was it pouring for that SB, that monsoon is the only reason that Monkey Business and all of the rest of the Fat Humps haven’t eaten a shotgun after hearing “Is Manning the next Marino” for the 1,000,000th time.

02.02.11 at 3:00 pm

agent

Nice diary entry, what a bitch.

02.02.11 at 3:03 pm

TH/DeSean Is My Anti-Drug

@Tracer Bullet

I’d sit in Miami during a hurricane to watch the Eagles play a Super Bowl. I’d go to NY/NJ and get snowed on. I’d go to Denver and be short of breath while getting snowed on. Fuck, I’d go to Cairo and risk getting drawn and quartered in the middle of a revolt if I got tickets to the Super Bowl to watch the Eagles play.

If Baltimore ever got a Super Bowl though, I think I’d just stay home and watch it on my big screen.

02.02.11 at 3:04 pm

Cromartie's Innumerous Basterds

Solution: The NFL must build a stadium outside Puerta Plata, DR solely for the purpose of hosting Super Bowl games. Guaranteed +70 degree weather (though rain is still possible). And whores for all. Lot and lots of whores.

02.02.11 at 3:07 pm

FavreFAIL

From weather. com:

New Orleans:
36 degrees, overcast, rainy today. Same conditions expected for the rest of the week until it hits 60 on Sunday.

New Orleans can have shitty weather too! As did Miami, when Prince nearly fell off the fucking stage due to the rain a few years ago! Holy shit, even fucking LA was hit with record rainfall this past December. This argument is so mind-numbingly stupid, if for nothing else than any city can have bad weather at any time. I hope they host the game in Buffalo, so that whiny journalists and corporate d-bags will choose to stay at home and only real fans will show up.

02.02.11 at 3:08 pm

Rex Ryan: HC of the NYJ

what is this bullshit? this guy gets paid to write that? fantastic takedown, he deserves the loftiest of hate

02.02.11 at 3:09 pm

Thunder Downunder

Well that makes our category 5 cyclone we got going on downunder seem like a summer rain

02.02.11 at 3:12 pm

Public Frenemy

It’s so cold in Dallas that Les Carpenter had to defrost his vibrator in the microwave before sticking it into his vagina.

02.02.11 at 3:14 pm

Sarlacc83

“When Los Angeles gets its new stadium – which it invariably will – it can be added to the mix. ”

You mean the city that’s trying to make Beijing’s air quality look sterling?

02.02.11 at 3:14 pm

The steeler fan in peru

God would all of these guys grow a pair….

I want to know what their actual team loyalty is..

Not to be an annoying Stiller fan, but I have been to games in temperatures WELL below freezing with winds that would make your nipples harder than diamonds and snow piling on your covered ears.

And yes I was kinda miserable but also extremely happy to be a part of it.

Clearly to me these people just have no team loyalty and have never experienced watching their team win in the snow.

We should totally put these guys on the CFL.

02.02.11 at 3:16 pm

The steeler fan in peru

Oh and for a solution…

Why not pimp out Aloha Stadium and have the game in Hawaii every year? Then we can stop the stupid probowl.

02.02.11 at 3:17 pm

Otto Man

Fuck these clowns.

I say we start a campaign to have the Super Bowl played on that shitty little field at the Hall of Fame in Canton. Have fun enjoying the balmy weather of Ohio in February and the thriving metropolitan culture of Canton, assfuck reporters!

02.02.11 at 3:17 pm

PackersRS

I agree with Les, it’s ridiculous that the World Cup is played in harsh conditions. I mean, how the hell are the players going to simulate fauls in the snow? They can’t set up the proper footing to fall in a graceful manner misleading the referee! It’s a disgrace that FIFA allows this…

/because playing on warm weather is for soccer pussies
//shows self out

02.02.11 at 3:18 pm

Balls of Steel

Thank you for taking this douche down! I read that piece of shit column yesterday and I was going to leave a comment, but my phone reception was bad.

We would all gladly take his place and write a better article than that turd he produced.

02.02.11 at 3:20 pm

Turd Ferguson

What a whiny little bitch! I hope the Superbowl lands in Cleveland, Detroit, Buffalo, Green Bay, and motherfucking Boston.

02.02.11 at 3:21 pm

Gunner's Mate 1st Class Philip Asshole

Seriously, kids. Joyce is an overblown gasdick.

Shorter Joyce: I love Dublin so much it’s all I ever wrote about. I hate Dublin so much l left when I was 23 and never went back. I use a thousand words to say what could have been said in five so I’m like deep or something. And I’m really, really drunk.

Shorter Giant Gaping Vagina, er, Les Carpenter: I’m a Giant Gaping Vagina. Like Joyce, I also use a thousand words to say what could have been said in five. But I am not deep. I’m a Giant Gaping Vagina.

02.02.11 at 3:23 pm

Drunk Gazelle

Did you guys know that It snowed in texas? AND THAT THE BLACK EYED PEAS WILL BE PREFORMING THE HALFTIME SHOW? There better be a starbucks in the stadium or I’m not going.
I wish the wrath of Odin on these fat fucking cunts. Remember, “Down the highway, not across the street” Pussies. Go listen to Morissey and choke on your mother’s dick.

Someone should send Les a plane ticket for Egypt. No snow there. But the sand traps can be brutal.

02.02.11 at 3:30 pm

Spectacular Sam

I honestly can’t get over that golfing line. Seriously, the success of the Super Bowl was hinged on “golfing junkets?” It’s a little bad weather, you ungreatful assjack.

02.02.11 at 3:32 pm

Rudeboy

It is supposed to be in the mid to upper fifties on game day. Maybe this cuntrag can squeeze in 18 holes in the morning

02.02.11 at 3:39 pm

John

The irony is, of course, that this time JUST LAST WEEK it was a balmy 70+ degrees in the Metroplex.

02.02.11 at 3:48 pm

Sausage

The superbowl should be held in the South of France, obviously.

02.02.11 at 3:49 pm

chuck

@ Gunner’s Mate:

Wouldn’t a giant gaping vagina be apt to be deep?

I mean, gaping indicates a wide open entrance, but the sheer physics of it would lead me to believe it would not be shallow with such a large opening…

No, no, this guy is more of a pencil dick…enemy of the giant gaping vagina.

BTW, is Les short for Leslie? Just asking…file it under things I need to know.

02.02.11 at 3:52 pm

All I know of football I learned from KSK

@Gunner’s Mate 1st Class Philip Asshole:

Please note: the difference, of course, between Les Carpenter and a Giant Gaping Vagina is that the GGV doesn’t experience shrinkage in the cold and doesn’t need golf to have a good time.

02.02.11 at 3:54 pm

jaykil

maaaaan, this shit was on point! me and some buddies were just bashing this poor excuse for a man on facebook earlier today. what a fucking pussy this guy! who the fuck allowed this creampie to report on football????? don’t be late to your son’s dance recital after wasting time writing such shit, sally!!!!! and how does this guy mention dallas in the same sentence with detroit and indy when referring to weather??? are you kidding me??? dallas, a cold weather city??? get out more asshole!

02.02.11 at 3:56 pm

Your Mom Naked

Fuck that douche nozzle sideways with a garden rake. My anger for these assclowns burns like the fire of a thousand nuns.

02.02.11 at 3:56 pm

Rusty Shackleford

I feel terrible for a guy that gets free paid vacation to the super bowl for a week… And has to write cunty stories about where he is. Suck my taint bitch

02.02.11 at 4:03 pm

cutler's lover

I hate my own fucking self for actually believing this storyline when I was younger. I never realized just how fucking pathetic these people are. If it’s not complaining about having to work for 8 months a year, it’s not getting an all expense paid vacation to a warm weather locale. Nevermind the fat that it’s still all expense paid when they go somewhere with fewer palm trees.

02.02.11 at 4:08 pm

Otto Man

Metroplex? Is that some kind of weight-gain powder for sale at GNC?

02.02.11 at 4:16 pm

DancingBaptist

Cromatie’s Legion pegged it.

+ 100 sir. (Whores please)

02.02.11 at 4:24 pm

Anastasia Beaverhausen

For the love of God, it’s going to be nearly 60 goddamned degrees and sunny when they kick off Sunday.

IN A DOMED STADIUM THAT’S KEPT AT 72 DEGREES.

We get one freaking ice storm that hasn’t caused any SB events to be canceled, it’s going to be gorgeous the day of the game and this asshole is bitching?

02.02.11 at 4:27 pm

Bugg

“The reason Chicago is a bad idea has nothing to do with weather, but rather a too-small stadium renovated by idiot owners and even-dumber Parks Dept, complete with shitty field and horrendous traffic.”

02.02.11 at 4:28 pm

Bob Sacamano Lives

I’ve been to Dallas/Arlington/Fort Worth. It’s a shithole. The long highway from civilization to the Stadium is desolate, with a lonely Six Flags on the way there. I will not allow these media bitches to assume the same conditions will apply in my beloved Tri-State Area. This has been a shitty winter in NY, but far from the norm. And even so, the main roads are plowed, the snow is salted, and nearly every sidewalk NYC has to offer is walkable. The Turnpike to the Stadium should be fine, too. If they’re using Dallas’ ice storm as a barometer to gauge what 2014 is going to be like, then they need to take that barometer and shove it up their selfish, whiny asses.

Dallas fucking sucks anyway. Where is anyone with $1,000+ tickets going to walk? The half mile from Potbelly to where the Mavericks play? There’s nothing to fucking do down there anyway.

02.02.11 at 4:37 pm

Moose

I thought Les’ article was satire…. no?

Sheeeeeit, well, I guess this has a different meaning then:

“pitchers and catchers reporting and sharing a hot dog”

02.02.11 at 4:39 pm

CutlerSuperSulk

The use of the word “fag” is trite and boorish, but seriously, somebody needs to tell this guy to stop being such a fag. Jesus.

02.02.11 at 4:41 pm

Moose

I emailed Les the following comment;

I’m hoping your column entitled “Super Bowl gets a cold shoulder” was satire. If it was satire, it was pretty funny.

02.02.11 at 4:44 pm

Moose

@Bob Sacamano Lives: OK, those are all legitimate complaints……

02.02.11 at 4:48 pm

jujrok

@Hand Model: Double J doesn’t run north TX; just Arlington – the town I grew up in that sold its soul to get him to build his shrine there. He tried to get Dallas to foot the bill. The mayor wouldn’t do it. Jerry said fuck you, I’m building in Arlington. It created so much bad blood in Dallas that the mayor didn’t run for reelection. Arlington held a bond issue election and took on $425 million in debt to help Jerry build. In the process over 100 homes and 30 businesses were condemned in eminent domain proceedings.

All this just so one old man could show the world what a fucking big deal he is and assuage his obvious mortality issues. What a cunt. BDD wrote on Deadspin the other day about FUCK YOU money. Jones has it. I hope like hell somebody sodomizes him with it some day. I’ll gladly help.

02.02.11 at 4:54 pm

Moose

My town visiting requirements; area with lots of bars/ restaurants in a small area plus hotels/ motels either within walking distance or good public transportation away…. and crack whores.

Stadium can be far away.

But I’m not a sports reporter.

02.02.11 at 5:00 pm

brennan has a mangina

i think i just creamed my pants over the joyce reference

02.02.11 at 5:07 pm

mick

Whiney Cock Wanker Bitch.
Grow some balls ya pansy.

02.02.11 at 5:10 pm

brennan has a mangina

and @Gunner’s Mate 1st Class Philip Asshole
hater.

this has been a Here Comes Everybody of bitching about cold weather.

02.02.11 at 5:16 pm

jackin'4beats

I e-mailed Les the link to this post. Hopefully he understands that the KSK Nation will not stand for his vagitude around these parts.

02.02.11 at 5:22 pm

Handle

Have to hand it to “All I know about football….”, this guy is a professional writer and he doesn’t know the difference between invariable and inevitable. I hate sports journalism soooo much. I can’t even watch sportscenter or read the sports page anymore. I’ve literally reduced my sports consumption down to box scores.

02.02.11 at 5:24 pm

Handle

…other than the actual games (not that anyone cares).

02.02.11 at 5:25 pm

Handle

Best line of the week = WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE OPPORTUNISTS?

02.02.11 at 5:29 pm

Enrico Pallazzo

Seems to me like Les Wynan should do more thinkin’ and less whinin’!

02.02.11 at 5:45 pm

joejoejoe

I hope Chicago gets the Super Bowl so that Les Carpenter’s balls will freeze and/or descend.

02.02.11 at 5:57 pm

soy spartacus

This is precisely why I want Superbowl 50 in Lambeau.

02.02.11 at 5:58 pm

Beverly D'Angelo's Hot Overbite

Whiny analysis. LOFTY analysis.

02.02.11 at 6:14 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

I’d kill to have enough money to go to a Super Bowl and these assholes get it comped as part of their jobs. Jesus Christ, grow a pair and appreciate that you have one of the cushiest jobs in America.

02.02.11 at 6:17 pm

HogsofOldDc

Not to troll for traffic, but I wrote something about this jackass’s article last night on my blog. And I’ve been in a back and forth with him ever since. He claims “Media is pretty low on the list. The spectacle of the week leading up to the game is how everyone makes money – the league, the networks, etc. Do you think they’ll do anything to keep this from being the highest rated show all year? ”

Wouldn’t more ratings be guaranteed by the possibility of a snow bowl? Jesus Jumpin Jehosaphat.

02.02.11 at 6:40 pm

Milledgeville, GA

I know I”m late to the party, but holy fuck is that guy a bleeding cunt. Also, that picture of him looks like a guy who remorselessly molests children.

02.02.11 at 6:43 pm

EastEndClam

Hey dick, it’s summer in the southern hemisphere, want to hold it in New Zealand?

02.02.11 at 7:20 pm

porky1

Jesus. Christ. Why didn’t this vag just lead in with “It was a dark and stormy night”? At least it would have been mildly ironic.

02.02.11 at 7:20 pm

ted from tedville

Hey HogsofOldDc, is it fair to say that his response to you confirmed that it was NOT satire? I also forwarded him the link to this article, along with a comment about what a pansy cumstain he is, but I hesitated briefly wondering whether he was yanking our chains. But there’s no way Yahoo Sports runs something as nuanced as a dickpunch for the Peter Kings of the world — too much mutual taint-scratching in play.

02.02.11 at 7:37 pm

Dread Pirate Roberts

@ M’ville, GA: One of his eyes is like half an inch lower than the other one. I think they accidentally got a little alcohol in his test tube as it came down the conveyor.

/More literary references!
//More lit geeks!
///Dick joke.

02.02.11 at 11:24 pm

Slash

I had no idea the Super Bowl was about the people reporting on and attending the game, rather than the actual game. I guess the billion people who watch it on TV are wasting their time by paying attention to football playing, when their priority should be the comfort of the people reporting on the game a full week before it happens.

What a Favre this guy is. A giant, gaping Favre.

02.02.11 at 11:53 pm

the butler

WHY HASN’T ANYONE BUILT A STADIUM IN SEYCHELLES FOR THE LOVE OF JEEBUS!

Yahoo should send that prick to cover the Egypt situation. Much warmer there.

02.03.11 at 12:11 am

HogsofOldDc

@ted from tedville it’s more than fair to say he wasn’t being satirical. He was dead serious in his replies to me. He did, however, know that the Icebowl was not a superbowl game. So he’s got that going for him.

02.03.11 at 12:54 am

Moose (Stephen Hawking is faking it)

@HogsofOldDc; is there any way with your blog or something that you can punch him in the face, HARD (not you, the hit)? I just think it would help people here be more at ease and harmonious if he had some face and nose bones pushed violently back into other face parts. Just an idea.

02.03.11 at 1:28 am

yeah, right?

Jay Cutler thinks Carpenter is a pussy.

Urlachers son agrees.

02.03.11 at 3:07 am

Man Bear Pig

I’m glad I have this website to properly articulate my hate. I read this, and all I could manage was “Christ, what a fucking Chode.”

I really, really wanted to read all of this before I commented, but I’m drunk.

If the Steelers are going to the Super Bowl and I can feasibly make the money to go without killing anyone I love or myself, I don’t care if it’s raining spiked horses, if the temperature is negative fucktits, or even if it’s in Cincinnati. If the Steelers aren’t going, I’d happily spend a paycheck on going to the SB…unless it was the Titans and the Bengals. I’d probably spend 2 paychecks and whatever it costs to get a ceramic firearm.

02.03.11 at 8:05 am

synapticmisfires

Can we just point out that the worst fucking Super Bowl of the last several years was in MIami? That the weather sucked, that the game sucked, that the stadium sucked, and that the few fans that actually went are still soggy?

I think it should be a home game for the team with the better record and that maybe if it wasn’t so easy for pampered assholes to turn the game into a glorified golf outing, it would suck less than it does now.

02.03.11 at 8:10 am

synapticmisfires

Les Carpenter is such a whiny bitch that I honestly thought the article was sarcastic, meant to satirize other whiny bitch sportswriters. If it’s not, he deserves to be stripped of Super Bowl access and deported to outer Siberia where he can watch the game on a 12″ black and white tv and write about it.

I hate people.

…and yet, I love gatherings.

02.03.11 at 9:51 am

HogsofOldDc

@ Moose. I’d hit him, but that stuff splatters in my experience.

02.03.11 at 10:00 am

edgecrusher

This is reminiscent of Lupica’s whiny cunt-ish-ness during the 2000 Super Bowl in Atlanta.

Who new that ice storms could be such a vaginal irritant?

02.03.11 at 12:03 pm

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

That is one seriously creepy child molester looking picture of Les Carpenter.

02.03.11 at 12:27 pm

Punanisher

@synapticmisfires
+20 Clerks points

I think this is Lesbo’s public attempt at hitting on Peter King. “Hi Petey, I hate cold Super Bowls as well! Now lets pour lattes on our hard nipples and fart chunks of nutmeg into eachother’s mouths.”

02.03.11 at 12:35 pm

ted from tedville

By the by, I love the idea of having the team with the best record host the Super Bowl. My dad and I used to talk about how much better that would be than the overhyped, overproduced, crapathon the Super Bowl is today. I know, I know, it will never, ever happen because of the money involved in the “event,” but it would do so much more for the spirit and lore of the game. (/cue fag jokes) It would put a stop to the 13-1 Colts/12-0 Saints/etc. shutting it down for the regular season to rest players, since they’d usually have to worry about playing an away game for all the marbles — e.g., if the 12-2 Giants and 11-3 Eagles are playing hard for their division, the AFC runaway team would have to keep playing. Imagine if the Ice Bowl were a Super Bowl? That would truly showcase what old school NFL was about. And if Green Bay or Buffalo (/snicker) didn’t have enough rooms, then the pussy sportswriters and “sponsors” would just have to stay in — horrors!!! — Milwaukee or Albany or wherever. Tough nuts, tough guys.

02.03.11 at 12:35 pm

Moose

@Punanisher; while that is excellent snark and funny, I did get a full on visual, which on the positive side lowered my blood sugar level since I rejected all nutrients in my stomach, it was QUITE messy.

02.03.11 at 12:40 pm

ifeelstereo

New Orleans can’t be /Katrina’d in February, guys. Hurricane season is much later.

That being said, the weather here is awful this week. This guy Les is a gash.

02.03.11 at 2:02 pm

jackin'4beats

Les responded to me and thought BBD’s rant was pretty funny. It still doesn’t change the fact that we all think his views on the Super Bowl and weather are enormously idiotic but at least he’s got a sense of humor.

Maybe he’ll remember this the next time he begins bitching about something so insignifcant like the weather…5 DAYS BEFORE THE SUPER BOWL.

02.03.11 at 2:33 pm

Martin

Holy shit. I hope he gets raped to death by a herd of cattle.

02.03.11 at 2:59 pm

ted from tedville

Les Carpenter sent me an email in response to my comment on his column, and he seemed gracious and good-humored about it, even joking about his terrible photo. I think a lot of these sportswriters are so disconnected from the average fan, who’s passionate about bad weather and toughness in the cold, that they just lose sight of why people really love this game more than baseball, basketball, etc. Whatever his faults, Goodell seems to get it, at least partially — the cold weather owners were the original backbone of the league, and they deserve to host as much as anyone.

02.03.11 at 3:05 pm

DJ Chon661

Ahhh yes. Les Carpenter got the KSK star treatment and Big Daddy Drew did not disappoint! I just read the whole article to my totally disinterested cousin right now, that’s how much I loved it!

02.03.11 at 3:28 pm

Peter King's Hot Carl

Can we point out, that this storm also hit New Orleans? A “warm weather” site?

Also, for giggles, I bet a Super Bowl in Chicago would be great because I would hope that the league would require field improvements… And that Soldier field could get an upgrade……. you know to play like Heinz Field instead of the 9th rung of hell.

02.03.11 at 4:28 pm

Moose

@Ted; I’m VERY disappointed in you! While that was a fine post, well thought out and smart, there was NOT A SINGLE DICK JOKE IN IT!

Shut the fuck up bitch boy. At least you’re at the damn Super Bowl. So quit bitching about the weather and go out there and write another shitty column about a different topic.

02.03.11 at 7:18 pm

Potter

I fucking hate Les Carpenter. Sometimes he’ll just throw a headline out there so unbelievably douchy that I have to read it to see if he is in fact that big of a douch. HE IS. Everytime. Peter King owns Les and thats the kindest words I can come up with for him.

02.03.11 at 8:37 pm

ted from tedville

@Moose: That’s what she said! BAM!

02.03.11 at 9:22 pm

Moose (PLEASE HELP; EGYPT URGENTLY NEEDS ROCKS)

Ted, wasn’t “dick joke” what Jen Sterger said?

P.S. TWSS and “is that a euphemism for something” are my only two jokes, so good one.