If you’re doing SYOC, you should check this thread to make sure you avoid common pitfalls: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

[This is regarding OC submissions as a whole, I’m not only looking for protagonists or good guys, feel free to submit people like villains, heroes, friendly rivals or antagonistic rivals.]

This, in particular, is a worrying sign. Villains and rivals are characters with major influence on the plot and character arcs. They’re not roles you should be able to just slot in.

[A young trainer was tightly wrapped up in her sleeping bag, she felt the hard cold ground underneath and the smoldering coals of the fire she made last night right beside her.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[In the region of Yava, gym leaders would use different teams against you depending on how many badges you had previously earned in the region.]

The general you sounds awkward in narration. I recommend rewording this.

This is also a bit much of exposition this early on. Some of these details, especially [The region itself was very much enriched with Sinnoh mythology and the religions from Sinnoh were heavily integrated in Yavanian culture as well.] would be better served being spaced out and brought up when they become relevant.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Your summary says there’s a meaty plot to this story, but I don’t see hide nor hair of it here. That’s a problem, especially in a SYOC fic. We can’t submit good characters that mesh well with the story if we don’t know what the story’s about. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

[Alright just going to put this here, but for pokemon species anything goes in this category except for the following evolutionary lines.

Pikachu

Riolu]

Really not how you should do this. People can have legitimate and well-justified reasons for including overused pokemon; perhaps it shows that the character has a lot of wealth or connections, for instance. If you suspect people are using these pokemon thoughtlessly, that’s something you should work out on a case-by-case basis. (It’s also kinda sketchy of you to give these pokemon to your own OC while banning them for everyone else.)

I will submit a character to this – it’ll be a fairly generic one, since I don’t know what’s going on yet, but hopefully it will be worthwhile. Given your note at the end, I would also like to know if we can submit multiple characters, as I have some ideas for a rival and villain as well.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Enter the region of Ransei, a land where Pokémon and people live side by side.]

But pokemon still aren’t considered people, I see.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[But some of these people are far from ordinary. . . .]

Not sure why you’re spacing out your ellipses like this. It looks very weird.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. However, you shouldn’t capitalize species or terms like “mega evolution” either, for the same reasons.

[In the summer of 2831, a girl started her island challenge to prove herself, a boy went on a journey to find his purpose, a girl traveled to the guardians to help a friend, a boy fought against the one he called family, a girl found her destiny, and a boy discovered himself.]

This is really awkward. Epithets have to be unique; when you’re talking about multiple boys and girls, only referring to people as “a girl” and “a boy” is confusing.

[When someone is speaking in “normal quotation marks and in italics.”, it means they are speaking a language that is not English. My logic is that Alola used to be a sub-region under Unova, like how Hawaii is a part of the USA, so even though they’re their own region now, English is still the dominant language. People in the night class (like Hau, Moana (Tsuki’s mom), and Hala) tend to speak the native Hawaiin more often, or in this case, Alolan, while people in the day class (Gladion, Lillie (originally) and Teresa) don’t know as much Alolan. Back on point, most of the time, it will be translated, but not always. The three languages here in Summer of 2831 are “English”, “Mainland (Japanese)”, and “Alolan (Hawiian)”.]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. Underlining is also an incredibly awkward format to use in prose. I recommend just sticking to italics for all non-English languages, and noting in narration whether they’re talking in Hawiian or Japanese if it’s relevant.

[20 Years 30 Days Ago]

If you’re doing this, you should use some formatting to make it clear it’s separate from narration. Ideally, you shouldn’t need to do this at all; time and place should be clear in the story.

[Tendrils of dark energy shot down the street, throwing pavement into the air and shattering organic and non-organic material alike.]

Organic material doesn’t really shatter, and it’s really weird to describe people getting butchered so clinically. If I was here I would be more concerned about the people dying part, myself.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You don’t need a list of character ages before the story. If the information is relevant, it should come up in the story.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[In these slums, curled up at the back of a narrow, dead-end alleyway, was a teenage girl. Her stomach was bloated with hunger, malnutrition shrinking her sunburnt skin so it clung to her bones.]

I find this questionable. The pokeworld is, by all appearances, a post-scarcity society. Even in our world, someone actually getting to the bloated belly stage in a developed country is practically unheard of. Most starving people die not from actual starvation, but by eating tainted food/garbage – and there’s plenty of that in Alola.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

I also don’t see how she’s in such dire straits if she has a pokemon. Pokemon fights get you money.

[Over a week had passed since she’d been picked up by the notorious Team Skull, a week that had been spent resting and eating, recovering from nearly starving to death.]

Uh, the bloated belly stage is long past the point where you can recover without medical intervention. I don’t think Team Skull has doctors for that. If you just want her to be at a point where she could recover with normal help, you should tone down the description – say she’s thin as a rail, maybe, instead of collapsed from a bloated belly.

[Someone had washed and brushed it while was out of it.]

Dropped a word.

[She stared at Guzma,]

The comma here is underlined for some reason.

[The Distortion World kinda people you think we are, kid?]

This does not work as a substitute for “hell” at all, it just sounds painfully awkward. The Distortion World isn’t the pokeworld equivalent of Hell anyway. It’s fine to just say “hell”.

[When the door had been opened, she’d caught sight of someone with blonde hair quickly slipping around the corner. He]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

[but there will be some parallels between Pokemon religion and Christianity. Such as Arceus = God, Giratina = Satan, the Distortion World = Hell, etc.]

No. Arceus is not the Judeo-Christian God, and assuming it is just because it is a creator god speaks to extreme ignorance and ethnocentrism. It is actually based on a wide range of other creator gods from different religions. Using Giratina as Satan makes even less sense. Please, please read this, because I don’t want to copy the entire explanation here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

SYOC fic is fraught with issues and obstacles. I don’t actually recommend doing it at all, but if you want to, you should read this thread to be aware of the most common pitfalls: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I am completely lost here. Is this story a continuation of something else?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[A wild Lucario with a passion for battle will have to try to carve his way through life’s challenging obstacles, protect his home from various dangers, and try to make some friends, all the while trying to uncover his purpose in life, and maybe even have a little fun along the way.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Don’t post until you have story content.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Also, if you don’t want to read the boring backstory, skip to chapter 6. Reading the backstory will have the story make more sense in my opinion but it’s not really that good.]

If you don’t think it’s good, why did you write this much of it? You don’t have to cover every mundane detail leading up to the plot. Start where your plot starts. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

[It was the day he was waiting for this entire month. Ethan finally turned 16. Now he was able to finally see his mother after a few years. Unfortunately, his parents divorced and he stayed with his dad in the Sinnoh region since he was about 2 or 3. His mother got to keep his older brother Jimmy who was 18 now. They stayed in their hometown New Bark Town in the Johto region while Ethan’s dad moved to the Sinnoh region bringing Ethan with him. They ended up living in the resort area in the northeast part of Sinnoh. Ethan couldn’t wait to see his other family in the other part of the world. That’s probably why he could sleep through the night and wake up at 5 in the morning.]

And, indeed, a big paragraph of exposition is not very engaging as an opening. It’d be better if you spaced this out a bit more throughout this chapter instead of dumping it on us all at once.

[since he was about 2 or 3]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[“I think you know what it is Dad” Ethan replied.]

Forgot the comma here.

[Ethan’s sweat dropped.]

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to copy the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You don’t need a list of character ages. If that information is relevant, it should come up in the story.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[-Delia, ten minutes later-]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

Also, you don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon species. However, the word “pokemon” itself, as well as related terms like “trainer”, shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[There will be firearms, and they will be named from time to time to keep it from being too generic. Any named firearm is going to be an actual, real life firearm.]

Mmh, this gives me some trepidation based on past experience of authors doing this. Most of your readers won’t share your knowledge or care about firearm minutiae, so you should take care not to drown the story in technical references and jargon.

[his large, .50 caliber handgun]

For instance, I have no idea what this means. It’s just a number to me. You say it’s large, but like, how large? Is it standard issue? Is it particularly hard or easy to aim? Does any of this matter? I have no clue. The details you include in a story should provide meaningful information. If the gun caliber/type isn’t relevant to the plot and doesn’t imply anything special about the character or situation, it’s just cruft.

I think you want “known” here. You also need an “and” before “diverse ecosystems”.

[However, some stories have vanquished the light, leaving only the darkness in its wake.]

This is really melodramatic. If “stories” alone can vanquish a country’s light, that country is very fragile indeed. It sounds like what you mean is that the subjects of those stories vanquish the light.

[The mafia dons that control this ruthless underground society have such a fearsome reputation that neither Team Rocket nor Cipher have dared to incur their wrath.]

This, too, seems overdramatic, and just reads like “My OC team is the awesomest ever!!!!” bragging to me. Rocket and Cipher are pretty tough, and crime gangs being at each others’ throats is… kind of the default situation anyway? Unless they are, like, some kind of hyperfascist organization that rules the city with an iron fist, I’m not going to be very impressed by this claim.

[If the mafia can instill fear in some of the most infamous and violent international criminal organizations, then one can imagine what Corona’s dominant criminal organization, the Phantom Syndicate, is capable of. While the true goals of the Phantom Syndicate is mostly unknown, they are very much a force to be reckoned with.]

…No, actually, I really can’t imagine, especially when you give us literally nothing to go on beyond that nobody knows anything about them. ~Mysterious~ shadowy organizations that talk a big game but don’t actually do much until it’s relevant to the plot do not actually scare me that much. This is one place where “show, don’t tell” is in full force. If you described some of the small-scale actions they’ve taken, you can show us how they normally operate, how ruthless they are, etc., and that could give us something to go off of when it comes to worrying about their greater plans.

[In a seemingly normal looking district, filled with small businesses and a few warehouses, one would not expect to find a Phamtom Syndicate stronghold, but, that is exalted what is rumored to be here]

I believe you mean “exactly”, not “exalted”. I think you might want to get a beta reader if you make mistakes like these so often.

[the many people and Pokémon affected]

So pokemon aren’t people?

[However, the many people and Pokémon affected, harmed, and even killed by the Phantom Syndicate is enough to keep one young man, an ex-special forces solider and tough Pokémon Trainer, from ceasing his one man war against the organization. After all, when the Phantom Syndicate was involved in the death of five brave men serving in special forces, who wouldn’t seek vengeance?]

Eh, you probably didn’t intend this but this comes off as “I only care because they hurt one of my own”. Soldiers are brave, yes, but that’s because risking their lives is what they signed up for. A true protector of the people should be more concerned about the apparently many more civilians the Phantom Syndicate has hurt. If it’s something like he personally knew these guys and wants to avenge them, you should indicate that.

[Strapped around his black camo outfit is a scoped M4 Carbine assault rifle, which is standard issue for Corona’s elite special forces unit; the Phantom Strike Force.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. I believe a comma or a full colon would work here.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“In a Pokémon battle, you might lose to the enemy if you’re not strong enough,” Travis calmly remarks. “Me? When dealing with my enemies, such as the Phantom Syndicate, I prefer my former special forces rifle and the Desert Eagle my father passed down to me.]

I don’t see the distinction? A gun battle or a pokemon battle, you’ll still lose if you’re not strong enough. If anything, a gun wound sounds like a better way to go than getting mauled by a dragon. I really don’t think you communicated what you wanted to say here.

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[another male]

This is a really awkward epithet. Epithets are meant to be able to replace names, i.e. be unique identifiers. Use “man” if you must, referring to people as “male” or “female” just sounds incredibly clinical and weird.

This scene would have worked much better as an opening than your big exposition dump. Exposition isn’t interesting until we have a context to place it in, so opening with a description of the setting tends to put readers off. This scene directly introduces us to the main character, the conflict, and his motivation in a much better way. (It also avoids the awkwardness I talked about earlier, as you explicitly say here he’s motivated by avenging his friends’ deaths, which is a lot more straightforward than the waffling over how the Phantom Syndicate hurt a ton of people but the five random soldiers are what’s really important here.)

Unfortunately, I’m going to tap out here, because this really doesn’t seem like the kind of story I’m interested in. I’m really not interested in fanfic that sidelines the fantasy elements that are the staple of the franchise in favor of how guns are so much cooler. You should think about what story you really want to tell and how the Pokemon elements fit into it. If you just want to write a story about a gritty military action hero taking on crime, you don’t need Pokemon for that. Honestly, I think this story might be better published as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[—[Story Start]—]

You can use a horizontal line here instead (insert it in the document editor). It looks better, in my opinion.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Eh… Team Rocket does not actually seem to have a vested interest in taking over the world. They’re just petty criminals. They’ve carved out their own section of society where they have power and wealth, but I don’t think they have any grand vision for running the world. Running the world is a lot of work.

[They’re still losing the war,]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re using a lot of comma splices. I recommend reading about them and sentence structure in general.

[If we lose, the entire Pokemon world would be left in a state of anarchy]

This is a weird way of saying it when the pokeworld is the only world they know. We don’t say “the entire human world” or “the entire Earth world” when talking about our planet.

[The Prophet giggled in response before pointing in a random direction, “Of course. But first, I need to give a history lesson as Those That Watch From Another World have finally arrived.” She giggled again before walking towards the center of the room.]

So I presume this is meta and she’s meant to be talking to us. Unfortunately, this doesn’t quite work. You’re focusing too much on the visual aspect, which only makes sense in a visual medium. When you said she pointed in a random direction, I pictured her pointing away from the “camera” in my mind’s eye, which rather undercuts what comes after. This is harder to do in prose, but it might work better if you just have her start narrating while everyone else wonders who she’s talking to.

Also, when dialogue extends over multiple paragraphs, you only add a closing quote at the end of the whole thing.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Pokemon are hard to come by now, as Team Rocket has captured most of the wild ones. There is even a ban on trainers having Pokemon unless they were in Team Rocket. If you were caught with a Pokemon… Well… I’m not going to ruin the surprise.]

This doesn’t make sense to me. You’re framing this like they’re confiscating weapons, but pokemon are living beings with their own wills, and that should be a huge factor in this. They may still be able to warehouse them thanks to pokeballs, but pokemon object to being taken from their trainers and will probably object to being ordered around by Rocket too. If there’s going to be a revolution, I’d think the hope lies in the pokemon rebelling, not the humans. (And if the pokemon aren’t motivated enough to save their original trainers, well, maybe the original trainers deserve this.)

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[the laminated Mahogany door]

Not a proper noun, shouldn’t be capitalized.

[“But why can’t you?!” Paul questioned]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[“Thank Arceus.”]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[The Aether Lab of Alola:]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You should really use more speech tags and description. A wall of pure dialogue isn’t very good storytelling.

[This is a series about a 5 year old girl name Julia who decided to go an adventure with her Pokemon despite of her very young age. She will then learn a lot of new things about life in the Pokemon world and eventually grow up in the Johto and Kanto Region.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Also, in prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Julia: Hey, hurry up, I can’t wait to leave my man-

Ahahahaah, No Spoilers! Ok ok, I was already about to begin until you interrupted me

Julia: Sorry Lucas

*Sigh* well anyway enjoy the story]

This is neither clever nor amusing. Just get to the point.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

Involving Arceus in this feels really silly. Since when has Arceus cared about, well, anything? It was content to sleep through the apocalypse while a madman was torturing its children into destroying reality. Arceus is not the Judeo-Christian God. There are many, many other pokegods who work much better with chosen one narratives.

Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t really have anything to do with Pokemon. This is a standard chosen one fantasy story where everything just happens to have pokemon names – you’re even using gjinka instead of actual pokemon, so this has no connection to Pokemon beyond a visual aesthetic. I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Tell me what shipping you want.]

This is interactivity, which is banned on this site. Regardless, something this important is something you should have planned out in advance.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Ash was walking in a forest just outside of his hometown of the Kanto region’s Pallet Town with his Pichu with whom he grew up with and played with since birth. Most trainers at five years of age wouldn’t dare to walk in a forest alone, but Ash and Pichu would…as long as it is not raining. Speak of the devil, it started to rain, prompting Ash to scoop Pichu with one hand and lift his backpack over his head on the other hand.

“C’mon Pichu, we got to stay dry.” Ash said and Pichu squeaked in agreement. This was one of the few times Ash and Pichu would be worried, but they soon found a tree with a hole that was large enough for them to fit inside and quickly sought refuge there. Then Ash and Pichu see a group of local wild Pokemon consisting of an Oddish, a Butterfree, a Caterpie, a Rattata, and a Weedle outside getting wet in the rain.

“Hey.” Ash called out to the group of Pokemon who turned their heads at him. “Come over here where it is dry.” Ash extended a hand while Pichu jumped up and down squeaking at the Pokemon hoping to convey the same message. Soon the group of Pokemon entered the hole and snuggled next to Ash and Pichu for the duration of the rainstorm.

Wow, these Pokemon living in the forest are so friendly. I just can’t wait to become a trainer, go on a journey with Pichu, meet all kinds of Pokemon around the world, and become friends with them. Ash thought happily. Pichu sensed the increasing happiness within Ash that he squealed happily and started glowing. Soon, Pichu evolved into Pikachu.

“Pikachu.” Ash whispered happily and hugged him while the forest Pokemon cheered. The group stayed until the rainstorm stopped.

This event fueled Ash’s desire to become a Pokemon Trainer and influences how he cares for Pokemon.]

…That is not at all how it went down. Look, if you want to write an OC, just write an OC, don’t insist your OC is wearing Ash’s skin as a suit.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

3 Comments

As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.

I actually think this is wrong; the second clause is incomplete and doesn’t have s subject — ‘what’ doesn’t refer to anything.

Also I realize I owe you a bit about comma splices/semicolons. My excuse is that I wrote up something for my last job about just that I thought would be perfect and couldn’t find it and then forgot. D:

I actually think this is wrong; the second clause is incomplete and doesn’t have s subject — ‘what’ doesn’t refer to anything.

Actually, doesn’t this construction create an implied subject or something like that? “For instance, what I’m doing here,” is something I can hear someone saying as an indpendent sentence, if perhaps informally.

I definitely think it’s something someone would say, but technically I think it’s dependent on the first clause because of the ‘what’. “I’m doing it here” could stand alone because the subjective complement is explicit, but I’m like 65% sure ‘what’ needs to either be a question or have an SC in the same sentence to be independent (eg, ‘what I’m doing here is right.’). I could be wrong, though.