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If you’re like me, you know that recovering from a bender takes more than a day. Whether you’re recovering from a once-a-year binge on Saturday night, or yet another week-long bender from which you’re just emerging (broke, naked, and possibly sticky), here’s how to get your body back to peak performance:

Day One:

3 a.m. Wake up. Try to figure out where you are.4 a.m. Roll over. Find something warm next to you. Try to figure out what it is.5 a.m. Go back to sleep.7 a.m. Wake up again. Find a half-empty cup of water on a nightstand. Chug it like there’s no tomorrow.7:01 a.m. Discover that the water you drank was actually vodka. Sputter and curse. Loudly.7:02 a.m. Warm object next to you grunts at you to shut up. Go back to sleep.11 a.m. Wake up again. Look around you and wonder why everything is blurry.12 p.m. Remember that you wear glasses. Go hunting for them.1 p.m. Find and put on glasses. Learn that the lump next to you is your significant other. Breathe raspy sigh of relief. Remember that you’re thirsty.1:05 p.m. Spend several minutes drinking from the spigot in the bathroom because you can’t find a cup.1:30 p.m. By now, you have located and managed to put on most of your clothes. It was not fun, but it was necessary if you are going to fry that bacon.2:00 p.m. Burn bacon. Start over.2:39 p.m. Settle down in front of the tube for a Buffy marathon and burnt-bacon extravaganza. Yeah, you burnt the bacon a second time, but it’s too delicious to waste.3 p.m. – 10 p.m. Do not move from couch, except to pee, pay the pizza delivery guy, and change Buffy DVDs.10 p.m. Consider showering. Go to bed instead.

5 a.m.: Sit bolt upright in bed, alert and cheerful.6 a.m.: While showering, notice your brand-new six-pack abs.7 a.m.: While brushing teeth, notice your face has gotten 35% more attractive overnight.9 a.m.: Marvel at your ability to run all the way to work without breaking a sweat, despite your 15-mile commute. 10 a.m.: Someone has brought a free box of cupcakes to your desk.2 p.m.: Your boss inexplicably gives you a raise, while simultaneously decreasing your responsibility.5 p.m.: Fly home on your newly-discovered retractable wings.7 p.m. Buy a winning lottery ticket. Upon discovering you’ve won, hoist your significant other into the air with your newly-rippling arm muscles in celebratory jubilation.

Honestly, though, I hope you all had fun, safe New Year’s extravaganzas. New Year’s isn’t my favorite holiday, as it always seems like a lot of hype for not a lot of payoff, but anything for a theme party, I say. I’ve never had any particularly memorable resolutions, other than this one. This year, as I so loudly told my roommate, I plan to gain ten pounds and start smoking. JUST KIDDING! It would be nice to tick off some of the items from my List of Doom, but I’ll settle for the six-pack. AHEM.