Return her phone calls after a delay -- if at all -- to show her who's in charge. When you do call her, don't feel obligated to stop talking with whomever is in the room with you. Provide her the luxury of listening to your half of an ongoing conversation.

Call her by your old girl friends name by mistake.

Get angry if her line is ever busy and you can't get through when you call. Then get even angrier when she finally gets call waiting and puts you on hold.

During those first few moments of intimacy, when she asks if you have protection and you don't, lie. She won't mind once things get going.

Call out another woman's name at the moment of climax.

Stake your claim: leave a "love bite" high up on her neck or some other noticeable place.

Tell the waiter you're both ready to order when she's obviously not. Order for her at dinner without asking her what she'd like to eat.

Share a story about something great you did together, then, seeing her puzzled expression, say, "Oh I guess that wasn't you after all."

Talk to the dog instead of her. Say "The dog likes ME better."

Forget which day her birthday is, then send a belated greeting with a sorrowful-eyed kitten on it.

Talk baby talk to her when she's in a bad mood.

"Accidentally" read her diary, then confront her about its contents.

Act like nothing is wrong after a big fight. Say, "Wanna go to a movie?"

When she's sticking to her diet and you're out on the town together, be sure to order her favorite dessert for yourself. Recommend your ex-girlfriend's exercise class to her.

As you fondle her breasts during an intimate moment, murmur in her ear: "Ah, the smaller the grapes, the sweeter the wine."

Tell her you're not impressed by gorgeous, slender glamour girls, you'd rather come home to HER.

Give her other backhanded compliments, such as "Black is so slimming" or "Your skin has really cleared up."

Sleep with your arms around her like an octopus, so when she wakes up, her whole body has gone to sleep.

If it was all over in 30 seconds or less, dare to ask, "Was it good for you?"

Say, "Honey, I introduced you to my parents as my FRIEND because I think of you as a friend. A really good friend. You're a girl and you're my friend. They know you're a girl, so I just say
'friend.'