Isla Fisher and Sacha Baron Cohen were married in a traditional Jewish ceremony — held at sunset in Paris last week.

It was extremely intimate; only a few close relatives and the couple's daughter were in attendance. Later, Isla emailed her friends: "We did it — we're married! It was the absolute best day of my life and in so many beautiful moments I missed you all so much. I thought of you as everything was happening, but Sacha and I wanted no fuss –- just us!" [News.com.au]

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Lindsay Lohan had to wait behind a velvet rope at a club in Hollywood last week. For 15 minutes. The horror. She claims security "man-handeled"[sic] her and ranted on Twitter: "I've never been treated so poorly in my life, this is why I never come to LA." Wait: You never come to LA? You live there, right? Anyway, she continued: "That was scary, mean, arrogant, and unnecessarily aggressive. I pick new york just like Jay-Z...... Wouldn't you?" [E!]

A German magazine which published a story claiming that Jay-Z and Beyoncé have a "marriage contract" has apologized to the stars, retracted the story and fired the writer involved. 99 problems, but that rumor ain't one. [Gatecrasher via BET]

Paris Hilton is pitching a new reality show about her engagement and wedding to Doug Reinhardt, but no one seems to be interested. Heiresses are out! Jersey kids are in! [Page Six]

Steve Carell has never cooked for his wife, Nancy, but says: "Keep in mind that we've only been married for 14 years — there's no need to rush these things." [Page Six]

Kate Winslet canceled an appearance at today's NYC premiere of Courage: Talking Back To Autism, an HBO film she narrated. [Ok! Magazine]

It's kind of weird that Keanu Reeves is being asked to comment on the Sandra Bullock situation, but whatevs. He was asked if he had well wishes for Sandy and he said: "Yes, of course, I mean, for everyone." Then someone shouted, "San Dimas High School football rules!" [Us Magazine]

Jesse James was "very quiet" at work at West Coast Choppers on Saturday; a source claims he seemed "very upset." Shocking. [People]

Are the neck tattoos on Michelle "Bombshell" McGee's five-year-old son fake or real? [Radar Online]

A picture of Jesse James wearing a Nazi cap and making a Nazi salute may surface shortly. [TMZ, Radar Online]

Jesse James' ex, Janine Lindemulder, has filed papers requesting custody rights of their six-year-old daughter, Sunny. Lindemulder lives in a halfway house and Jesse has full custody, but now that Jesse's scandal has broken, Lindmulder believes she has a shot at partial custody. [TMZ]

Michelle "Bombshell" McGee was an honor student at high school in Ohio. [TMZ]

Michelle "Bombshell" McGee was a model for a clothing line called Angry White Boy, but the owner of the label has "disconnected" from her, with a spokesperson saying: "I will NOT BE ASSOCIATED with any kind of white supremacy nonsense on any scale whether it's true or not." [Radar Online]

Michelle "Bombshell" McGee has returned to her day job, which is stripping and giving lap dances. [NY Post]

Chris Evans has been offered the role of Captain America, and if Captain America looks like this, then I'm down. [Reuters]

At the link, a melancholy piece on Rufus Wainwright that's worth reading. [The New Yorker]

The president of Vivid Entertainment will save Nadya "Octomom" Suleman's house from foreclosure… if she stars in a porn flick. [TMZ]

Stop the presses: Jessica Alba wears two pairs of Spanx on the red carpet and Jessica Simpson camouflages her belly with large handbags. [Gatecrasher]

Bethenny Frankel had a "lavish" bridal shower, but most of the Housewives were not in attendance. [Gatecrasher]

Elin Nordegren "stormed out" on Tiger Woods and left town for the weekend, staying on the family yacht with the kids and a nanny. Apparently the newly released sexts from porn star Joslyn James set her off. [Radar Online, Gatecrasher]

The people from TMZ pestered Tiger Woods' mom as she walked through LAX airport; she ignored them. This is "exclusive" video. [TMZ]

Tiger Woods says his wife and mom were "brutal" on him when random women were claiming they'd slept with him. "They've both been very tough. Because I hurt them the most," he says. [Us Magazine]

Mischa Barton and Cisco Adler were "totally avoiding each other" at a SXSW party thrown by Spin magazine. [Gatecrasher]

Simon Cowell is "giving" Susan Boyle a £4 million "birthday present," aka her royalties from selling 8.5 million copies of her album. [The Sun]

Daniel Radcliffe is politically minded; he says: "I'll be voting Lib Dem, without a shadow of a doubt. (Party leader) Nick Clegg rang me and we had a good chat. He's seriously impressive." [Daily Express via Vogue]

Extinguishus! There was a fire on the set of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Friday night! [Mirror]

LaToya Jackson believes that Dr. Conrad Murray is "just the fall guy" in the death of her brother, Michael Jackson. [Radar Online]

An EMS report — just made public — reveals that Michael Jackson was dead before the paramedics arrived and Dr Murray apparently didn't tell the paramedics exactly what drugs Jackson had been on — withholding information about Propofol. [Radar Online, TMZ]

Three days before he died, Marie Osmond's son claimed he was drugged. [TMZ]

Fans actually traveled from as far as Ohio to shop at Tila Tequila's garage sale? [TMZ]

Pete Doherty has been arrested on suspicion of supplying heiress Robin Whitehead with drugs. [The Sun]

"He offered me a part of a sadist who murdered women and I won't play that. I have a sort of moral thing and I refused to play it and he never spoke to me again. It was a film based on a real killer who cut women to smithereens. I said, ‘I can't play this, I don't want to play it.'" — Michael Caine on his feud with Alfred Hitchcock. [Daily Express]

"Having been married for a long time and having friends who were married a long time I can't tell you the phone calls I've gotten from somebody saying, 'Listen, I have to talk to you about this because I think he's doing X.' You say to them, 'Have you talked to him about it?' and they haven't. I think women do that a lot. I think we turn to our friends and say, 'He was out really late? Do you think he's seeing somebody?' I think there is a tendency within relationships to sometimes turn out for information with a girlfriend before you talk to your husband about it. I have seen that a lot; people asking outside the marriage for advice." — Julianne Moore. [Daily Express]

"It's a movie, so it's never exactly right. They have to set up a bad guy and a good guy, a winner and loser." — Joan Jett on The Runaways. [UPI]

"You get to the point where you think, 'OK, I look like a transvestite now.'" — Robert Pattinson on having his eyebrows plucked and his skin covered in make-up for the Twilight films. [The Sun]

"Honestly, shooting Remember Me was really difficult. The Twilight fans were great – they'd come, watch us shoot and would be quiet when they were asked – but the paparazzi, what a bunch of fucking animals." — Robert Pattinson. [Telegraph]

"Usually comedy is only available to us ladies in the romantic comedy. That's why I hate romantic comedies. I want to make comedic-comedies – let's get back to being funny!" — Sandra Bullock. [Guardian]

"As many of us have experienced, domestic violence doesn't differentiate between class or race, it's the same kind of abuse as alcoholism. Anyone can be affected by it." — Amanda de Cadenet, who is about to launch a website for "women helping women to help themselves." [Daily Express]

"It all feels like a mistake. I was a writer. I went to Cambridge as a poet, and I stopped writing the second I got there. I think I read too much. I had a failure of nerve, I dropped my stitch and started performing in plays instead." — Tilda Swinton. on acting. She also says, "If I hadn't met [the late experimental filmmaker] Derek, [Jarman], I wouldn't have carried on performing. I probably would have become a professional gambler. At the time, I was working the horses a bit. What he offered me was a home. We didn't fit in. I knew I didn't want to be in a corset in Merchant Ivory films. And I knew I wasn't cheesecake." [Times Of London]

"I have never seen a U2 fan. I have never seen anyone with a U2 shirt or been around someone's house that has a fucking U2 record. Where do their fans come from? Where are they? I reckon they buy them. With all the money they've made, they just bought a load of people and every time they do a gig they get a shovel and pile them into their gigs to make them look good." — Liam Gallagher of Oasis. [Gatecrasher]

"It just wasn't feeling right. I just wanted to be in charge as a woman in my own business. I don't really want men telling me what to do and where to go so I said, 'You know what? As a woman I'm going to take control of my career.'" — Heidi Montag, on why she fired her husband and spiritual guide Aidan Chase as managers. [People]

"Who knows what I was doing in Scooby-Doo 2. I just didn't know my potential at the time. That's all part of my past." — Alicia Silverstone. She also says: "I remember on the set of Clueless I was always so sick and always had ulcers, and would ask my driver to go get frozen yogurt because that's all I felt I could eat. I would get allergy shots. I was totally out of touch with my body." Now that she is vegan, "I have so much energy these days, so much more than I did when I was 19 and had bags under my eyes." [NY Times]

"Even beyond any film I've ever done, when a season ends, it's really hard to shake. There's a stain that's left. I almost feel like a shell. I'm just lucky to have a good naturopath." — Toni Collette on United States Of Tara. [The Daily Beast]

"I agree Gaga is being her image… I dig her creative mind… But still... There's such a thing as socially irresponsible... I'm just sayin'. It's not long before somebody does a straight NAKED video. Not like Alanis morrisette "thank you india" like NAKED dancing around. LOLhahaha. There's an artist every 10 years who pushes the envelope ... but it's bout to fall off the Table. When is it too far?" — India.Arie, via Twitter. [ONTD]

"I know that I know, and I'm sure that I'm sure. It's that thing people always say: 'When you know, you'll know.' I never really understood what that meant, and I do now." — Michael Vartan on his fiancée, and no, her name is not Sydney Bristow. [People]

"My forte is restrained sarcasm and a certain kind of bearing, which is what Morticia has also, so it's a good match." — Bebe Neuwirth on playing Morticia in The Addams Family on Broadway. [NY Mag]

"For me to play the Hatter wasn't a great stretch by any means. In a sense I think the character was kind of already blooming inside, ready to show its face… I do like hats." — Johnny Depp. [AFP]