Problem Page Edition 43 2017

In this week’s problem page from your agony aunt online – what does it mean when your boyfriend sleeps with an ex and what to do if you’re a talker, not a listener. Plus when a boyfriend demands you trust him without giving you any reason to do that.

If you would like any advice, just message me or add a comment at the end of this post and I will answer selected questions on this problem page.

Here are this week’s questions.

Q:What does it mean when your boyfriend comes back to you after sleeping with an ex?

A: It means he thinks he can ‘have his cake and eat it’. Many women would tell you to kick his sorry backside into touch but it’s not that simple if you love someone, is it?

You need to decide whether this was a one-off and whether you can rebuild the trust.

Was it a drunken one night stand or did he deliberately plan to deceive you. In my book, the first one might just about be forgiveable after time but the second one? No.

Only you can decide whether you think the relationship is salvageable.

Q: How should I reestablish contact with an ex that I dated for 4 years? We have been broken up for a year and half, and he’s now at my college. His girlfriend lives just an hour away. They have dated for 6 months. I still love him.

A: Well I suppose you could argue that since you both know each other so well there’s no harm in trying to reestablish contact – were it not for the fact that your intention is to break up his current relationship.

The fact that his girlfriend lives an hour away out of state hardly matters – she’s not in another country is she?

Nor is the fact that they have dated for 6 months relevant.

You don’t say why you broke up. If he dumped you for someone else then, I suspect the bird has flown. If you dumped him, there may be more of a chance that this is a rebound relationship but unless you ask him, you won’t know.

I would try to make contact to let him know you are at the same college. You could ask if he’d like to meet for a coffee to chat over old times and gauge his reaction from that.

If it’s an outright ‘no’ you have your answer. If he does agree then, even then, it’s not definite that he will dump the new girl and return to you.

You’ll have to play this one by ear – very carefully.

I suspect the healthier thing to do is to embrace college life and make the most of the hundreds of new dating opportunities in front of you.

Sooner or later he’ll twig you’re at the same college. If he’s interested let him come chasing you.

Q: Is it wrong to turn down a guy multiple times(regardless of the fact that he won’t stop trying). Even after telling him I’m not ready to date him or anyone else for that matter?

A:No it isn’t and I wonder why the message isn’t getting through to him.

Rather than worry about the fact that you might hurt his feelings, if you’ve been honest with him, then in your shoes I would start to be irritated that he is carrying on and making a nuisance of himself.

Are you sure you are being clear enough when you turn him down?

I’m afraid you are going to have to get tough and tell him to leave you alone. Don’t respond to texts or social media posts and, if he is following you, enlist support from a friend or family.

Obsessive behaviour sometimes leads to stalking.

You can be nice up to a point but from the sounds of it he’s now being a pain in the backside and needs telling clearly to leave you alone.

Q: My wife says I’m a talker, not a listener. So when I see people that I know, I try not talking and try to listen. But when I do this there’s long moments of silence. Why?

A: Don’t surpress who you really are. If you’re a happy, chatty person then no wonder there’s long silences – people are trying to wonder if there’s something wrong!

You can’t manufacture conversation. There isn’t a ratio of talking to listening.

If you talk over people and don’t let them finish their sentences, then that’s one thing but if you are naturally gregarious and a positive person, that’s good.

People like this attract others to them – nobody wants to spend much time in the company of a miserable sourpuss!

I suspect what your wife actually means is you don’t listen the HER.

Be yourself with others and perhaps listen a little more carefully to your wife.

But don’t change.

Q: He says I should trust him but doesn’t show me I can. What could I do?

A: If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck – as the saying goes.

If his behaviour screams ‘untrustworthy’, then you really need to follow your instincts.

Without knowing a little more background it is difficult to comment but, generally, if we feel in our gut that we are being led a merry dance, then we generally are.

It is VERY difficult to love someone you can’t trust so you have a choice – either leave him or tell him exactly what you expect from him.

He may ‘step up’ as they say or he may just continue to behave as he has always done – in which case your decision is easier.

But I think if you are this uncertain about someone, it really isn’t going anywhere.

Q: My friend was “accidentally” groped by a classmate. What can I do about it?

A: What do you want to do about it and what has your friend done about it?

Two entirely separate and important questions.

It is your friend’s decision whether to report the incident or not. You say she was ‘accidentally’ groped by a classmate. What does that mean? Could it be proved that it was intentional? Were you there or are you going on hearsay?

It’s great that you are leaping to your friend’s defence but there is little you can do other than stay close and ensure that (where possible) your friend is protected from this individual if they continue to be inappropriate.

If you didn’t see the event I would be VERY careful about jumping to any conclusions or taking action unless being VERY sure that there is a basis for doing so.

Sexual assault is not to be taken lightly and there are all sorts of consequences in making these kinds of allegation.

Protect your friend, of course, but proceed with caution and with a cool head.

How would you have responded to the questions on this week’s problem page? I’d love to know.

You can find more dating advice from your agony aunt online in these posts:-

It’s fun to read these questions and your answers to them, for the most part, your answers are spot-on to how I would react or feel in the scenario. Although, I might not have been as nice with my answer to number 1 as you were!

To be honest, as a coach, I find problem pages rather uncomfortable as people are looking outside themselves or solutions to issues that are within them. We have our own compass and if we let our wisdom come to us rather than muddying it with a plethora of opinions from people who will never know our exact situation, we find it much harder to find the right decision for ourselves.

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