Officially hot as fuck outside: Environment Canada

Fredericton — Fill up your water bottles, draw the blinds, and crank the A/C because for the first time this year the thermometer is creeping into “hot as fuck” territory, according to Environment Canada.

“Yesterday was hot as balls, this morning was hot as hell, but this is the first time in 2019 it’s been certified hot as fuck outside,” said meteorologist Aaron Everton. “We don’t usually use that kind of language but honestly there’s no other way to describe it. Please stay inside and drink plenty of water.”

With temperatures in New Brunswick’s capital currently sitting at 34 degrees Celsius with a humidex of 39, it’s also way too hot to do fuck all.

“We recommend that, since the heat won’t break this weekend, you just stay inside and watch Stranger Things while eating Popsicles,” continued Everton.

Locals are calling the heat unbearable.

“Thankfully I’m at work and the air conditioning is blasting,” said government employee Rachel Wilson, “but I stepped outside at lunch and thought I was gonna melt. Don’t make the same mistake I did — just take cover from this weather so you don’t die of heat stroke.”

“I know we shouldn’t complain considering we just suffered though eight months of winter, but man, this is friggin’ hot,” panted a sweat-drenched Michael Lowell. “Too hot to mow the lawn, too hot to sit out on a patio, too hot to do anything!”

Environment Canada is warning that due to the hot-as-fuck temperatures, they’ll be taking the rest of the weekend off.