Helping a Child in Distress

What should one do when a child is extremely distressed in public?

Note: Behaving ethically means taking action in the right way for the situation. It takes practice not only to see (perceive) the ethical demands of a situation but to act in the right way. We often face situations of behavior uncertainly, even though we see the need for action. I describe a case of my own.

I heard the toddler wail across the store. He kept up his protest as we passed him in a cart along the checkout lines. He sounded both angry and heartbroken. After our purchases, he was still upset, tears leaping from his eyes as he cried sitting next to his mother in a booth. She asked him if he wanted to try his pizza. Distressed, we walked on by, not knowing what to do. I now consider that an ethical failure. I became haunted by my failure to help.

Emotions are key adaptations that guide our life. But they must be trained well to work wisely as guides. Learning to trust that ‘funny feeling’ in your stomach can save you from a bad relationship or a bad situation.

Children under 6 need help with their emotions. Early experience is the training ground for emotions. Will the parent encourage joy, building that into their personality? Will the parent take the child’s emotions as cues for the child’s unique spirit and encourage that spirit to grow, guiding the child in respecting their own emotions? Or will the parent frustrate the child’s urges for growth routinely, building in resentment and anger? Will the parent ignore the child’s emotions (thinking that will help control them), teaching the child to ignore their own emotional cues, leaving them underdeveloped in emotional intelligence?

The parent and regular caregivers are like orchestra conductors. They wave up or wave down emotions depending on their treatment of the child: Sturm und drang (storm and stress) or calm and quiet? If adults don’t follow the child’s cues and interests but frustrate them deeply and routinely (even unintentionally) they can foster a personality oriented to storm and stress.

Children don’t have built-in emotional controls. They need adult help in learning to calm down an emotion. The younger the child, the more help is needed for self-regulation. This does not mean simply punishing them for acting inappropriately, “so that they learn to behave.” No, child development doesn’t work that way. That would be instead be the squelching of a child’s development—like stomping on a young plant growing in your garden.

The child in the store was signaling deep distress and the mother was ignoring it. Psychologists call this unresponsive. Responsive relationships in early life are correlated longitudinally with secure attachment, mental health and moral capacities like empathy, self control and conscience (e.g., Kochanska, 2002; Sroufe et al., 2008).

In this case it could be that something he got attached to in the store was taken away, explaining his anger. But his heartbrokenness may have come from his mother ignoring his distress entirely—perhaps she was feeling embarrassed and thought ignoring would calm things down more quickly. Or perhaps she took an iPhone away from him and feels like she has done the right thing. She was focused on something other than his need for help to be recognized and calmed down.

So what is an outsider to do? What is wrong with just walking by?

In our ancestral context, children grow up in a community of responsive relationships 24/7. For over 99% of our species' history, mothers and their children have been supported by other community members. Children thrive within a 'village’ of caring supporters. If a particular caregiver is preoccupied with something else, there is someone else around to whom the child can turn for comfort or play, or who will step in to alleviate distress. Most children in advanced economies are missing out on this web of constancy provided by familiar caregivers day and night.

From a species-normal perspective, this child was being harmed by the lack of community support (for child and for mother). This kind of support grows the sense of belonging and trust children need to build a good life, but also the parent’s sense of support for being responsive to the needs of the child.

So what should I have done?

Being a stranger, the young child would not turn to me, or anyone else, in the store. But the child could be comforted indirectly. A child in a heartbroken meltdown needs a witness.

This is what I think I should have done:

Walk up to the child and mother and say: I’m a psychologist. I’m concerned about this child’s wellbeing. Tell the child in a calm voice: It’s okay. You will be all right. Then, turn to the mother (but keep turning to the child with reassurance) and represent the child’s view: The child needs comforting. He is unable to calm down without your comfort. He feels abandoned emotionally. To alleviate that pain, he needs comforting—comforting conversation, comforting touch.

In my experience intervening in other situations with distressed children, the parent usually will take in the advice and act differently. For example, when I found a very young baby distressed in a grocery cart while her family was down the aisle, I spoke directly to the baby, telling him that his family loved him. The family came back and heard me and asked, "Isn't okay to let babies cry?" I explained that no, it is not a good idea to distress a baby whose brain is scheduled to grow thousands of synapses a second. Stress shuts down that growth. They were glad to learn that babies are highly immature and need loving attention to grow well.

But if the parent doesn’t respond receptively, then you can reflect back to her what she says (e.g., “you’re feeling frustrated with your child” “you want me to leave you alone”) but repeat your concern for the child’s wellbeing. At the very least, the child will have had a witness.

Kochanska, G. (2002). Mutually responsive orientation between mothers and their young children: A context for the early development of conscience. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 11(6), 191-195. doi:10.1111/1467-8721.00198

Narvaez, D. (2014). Neurobiology and the development of human morality: Evolution, culture and wisdom. New York, NY: W.W. Norton.

Shonkoff, J. P., & Phillips, D. A. (Eds.) (2000). From neurons to neighborhoods: The science of early childhood development (Children, Youth, and Families, National Research Council and Institute of Medicine). Washington, D.C.: National Academy Press.

Sroufe, L.A., Egeland, B, Carlson, E.A., & Collins, W.A. (2008). The development of the person: The Minnesota study of risk and adaptation from birth to adulthood. New York: Guilford.

-----In my experience intervening in other situations with distressed children, the parent usually will take in the advice and act differently.-----

Maybe this is why: do you tell them you are a psychologist? That confers legitimacy and privilege to most people.

The rest of us probably need to tread carefully in this arena. While our intentions are good, parents may interpret intervention as an indictment on their behavior as a parent. It would be good if there was research on how many parents take advantage of help offered, and how many tell others to back off and mind their own business. I know I tried one time to assist (the parents were fighting and the kids were screaming) and the father told me to "mind my own business" and not in a friendly way either.

I agree that children need help with emotions, and everyone has seen a child in much distress at the store (or several in one store!) but what to do to help will vary much - all context dependent.

As someone who is very much supportive of attachment parenting if we were having a bad day and you approached saying you were concerned about my child well being i'd have to supress the urge to tell you where to go and id probably be repeatedlyy triggeredanytime i went to leave the house with my kid. Adding you are a profesdional just would make it worse.

Telling somone essentially they are a danger to their childs entire future in that moment is not a nice helpfùl empathetic thing.

Also you come from a place you assume the parent has full capacity to act perfectly in that moment. You are ignoring the parents potential limitation or invisible disabilities or illness.

Maybe itd be more ethical if you tried empathy first and offered help. Empathy to both parent and child.

Some days are tough, shopping isnt always fun and easy... can I do anything to make your day a little easier?

As someone who is very much supportive of attachment parenting if we were having a bad day and you approached saying you were concerned about my child well being i'd have to supress the urge to tell you where to go and id probably be repeatedlyy triggeredanytime i went to leave the house with my kid. Adding you are a profesdional just would make it worse.

Telling somone essentially they are a danger to their childs entire future in that moment is not a nice helpfùl empathetic thing.

Also you come from a place you assume the parent has full capacity to act perfectly in that moment. You are ignoring the parents potential limitation or invisible disabilities or illness.

Maybe itd be more ethical if you tried empathy first and offered help. Empathy to both parent and child.

Some days are tough, shopping isnt always fun and easy... can I do anything to make your day a little easier?

Drop your psycholigy humble brag later if you must.

At some point, you need the humility to accept a outsider’s help. Especially when your child has serious medical or psychological problems that predispose them to addictions and risky behaviour. The author has a point, children absorb the emotions of the environment around them. A environment where parents like you value perfectionism over growth may cause issues in your baby down the road. So chill out and accept advice if it apply to the situation at hand,

I can’t decide if this is a serious post or one that is satirically mocking the out of touch academic. So you are going to stop a toddlers temper tantrum by telling the child to stop in a “calm voice” and by delivering an uninvited lecture to the mother about her parenting? Yeah, OF COURSE that would be effective. I mean, no parent has ever tried to calm a toddler by speaking calmly. I’m sure it will work. Good on you!

If a parent wanted advice on parenting they would go and seek it when they’re not being screamed at. I personally enjoy reading advice backed by science and have seen a psychologist for over 10 years due to childhood neglect. Unfortunately people in general don’t want advice just like pregnant women don’t want advice but their belly is an advice magnet with a bullseye.

I think if society is to change then it should become a legal requirement to have training in parenting before becoming a parent and during. The government or a charity should provide the training as an investment in having a better community (reducing crime etc). Even if it were only available to people in low-socioeconomic areas it would help.