Gentrification at its pretentious best.

Botanical Gardens To Be Bulldozed For Toorak Backyards

Environmental campaigners are in shock today as the Stonnington Council have approved the bulldozing of parts of Melbourne’s historic Royal Botanic Gardens in order for residents of Toorak to enlarge their backyards. The application has been backed by Melbourne’s rotund Mayor, Robert Doyle, along with several other high-level government minsters, all thought to reside in or near the area.

Inna Herbarium, speaking on behalf of the Royal Botanic Gardens, expressed outrage at the approval and lack of consultation saying that this is the first time in the gardens’ 170 year history that anything like this has occurred. “We were only told about this yesterday when we were having smoko. I thought I was just way too blazed, but it wasn’t a joke”, the raspy hippie puffed. “They’re going to knock down trees that are probably millions of years old, for what? Some rich fuckwits’ tennis courts and swimming pools!?”

The hygiene might have been lacking, but there was no shortage of passion from the Botanic Gardens staff and environmental activists at a public meeting held late yesterday. Representatives from the Stonnington Council were invited to attend but declined the offer, instead sending several large pizzas with a note detailing what looked to be a penis and testicles with a message reading: “Enjoy the munchies, you hippie fucks.” The delicious prank left a bad taste in the mouths of the meeting attendees with frenzied calls for swift retribution and several structure fires lit. Several people were injured in the upheaval and were taken to a local park known for its ‘energy’, to be treated with crystals and reiki.

Supporters of the move say that as Melbourne continues to expand, residents stuck in the middle have nowhere to go. “It’s not all high teas and lunches, there’s residents here with some really serious issues”, pouted Tina Trinkett-Lees, a local Toorak resident. “Where should we take the children for swimming lessons? A public pool to be infected with Hepatitis? No, we build a pool and protect our children.” Other locals are pressing the council for further action suggesting that creating a fence or gated community around Toorak would maintain the ‘strong aesthetic of the area and protect residents’.

Stonnington Council are yet to respond to several requests for comment, made about ten minutes before this article was written, but further news is expected on this bold move.