Thursday, March 24, 2016

There was a recent
article in Scientific American about political leaders in South Florida who are
concerned about the challenge of climate change on the economy and living
conditions in the Miami area. Faced
with national politicians’ reluctance to address the causes of climate change,
they learned to reframe the conversation to one about sea level rise – the
effects of which residents can see on a regular basis when high tides flood neighborhood
streets. By doing so, they turn the conversation away from debate about the
causes of climate change and carbon caps and emission controls towards the undeniable
reality of rising sea levels – a challenge everyone agrees must be addressed.

I was
reminded of this article during recent conversations with several parents who
allege that their ex-spouses alienated their children. As you might expect, their efforts to
confront their ex’s with their perceived alienating behavior triggered arguments,
denials, and additional rejection from the children. One father was doubly frustrated
with a mediator who denied that parent alienation existed or that parents would
ever deliberately alienate their children from the other parent. In each instance, the buzz words,
parent-child alienation, lead to protracted argument and mutual blaming rather
than a thoughtful discussion about how to move forward. Just like arguments
about climate change, such confrontations, in fact, tend to entrench parents
and professionals in their pre-existing biases.

In the face
of such resistance, it might help for parents and divorce professionals concerned
that parent-alienation is occurring to follow the example of these south
Florida politicians—focus on undeniable realities and mutual interests rather
than debate cause and theory. In other
words, change the language to change the problem.

DON’T TALK ABOUT PARENT-CHILD
ALIENATION; JUST DEAL WITH IT

In the
instance of the mediator who doubted the validity of parent-child alienation,
for example, the rejected parent’s lawyer might focus on the children’s
behavior (e.g., they’ve refused parenting time the past three months, their
reasons for doing so are flimsy and unreasonable) rather than invoking the
parent-child alienation concept. It is particularly important that parents and
divorce professionals identify common interests rather than poking blame. For example, there is substantial research
supporting the finding that children are harmed when they lose a relationship
to a parent. Such children are at a
higher risk for mood disorders and relationship problems as adults. Most parents
can agree that they don’t want to increase the risk of their children growing
up to lead unhappy adult lives.

By presenting
undeniable “facts on the ground” and identifying such mutual interests, divorce
professionals and parents may be able to shift the conversation from “Who’s to
blame?” to “What are we going to do about it?”

Friday, March 4, 2016

Divorced parents working to create a summer parenting-time
schedule for teens should not confuse a MESO for miso. Miso is a delectableJapanese soup made with dashi and regional ingredients. A MESO, in contrast, isn’t delectable--but it
is an exceptionally effective negotiation tool.

MESO is an acronym for Multiple Equivalent Simultaneous Offers— a method used by high level negotiators to
break impasses, tease out the other party’s interests, and maintain
constructive engagement. Here’s how it
works:

One party presents two or more options of equal value to
themselves: “Here are three different ways
we could handle your debt obligations. I’m okay with any one of the three. Which one
do you prefer?” The other party then has
the opportunity to choose which option he or she favors—and to explain
why. Since the party making the offer
has already said any one of the choices is acceptable, this may settle the
matter—they go forward with the option that the other party favors. In other instances, the one receiving the
offer is not ready to accept the option found most preferable (“well, this one
is the best of a bad lot”), but their explanation for why that choice is
preferable provides valuable insight about their interests and goals. This information can be used, in turn, to
create additional options.

A variation of the MESO is an effective strategy for
divorced parents who want to involve their teens in summer planning but don’t
want to over-empower the teens by letting them dictate the family’s schedule
and parenting-time. The process starts
with the parents sharing their respective goals and ideas for the summer:
vacations, travel, summer camp, athletic practices, band camp. The teens’ ideas should certainly be part of
the conversation (“Julie wants to take driver’s education this summer”), but at
this stage the discussion and planning is driven by the parents. With the information they’ve collected, the
parents create two or more summer schedules; the only criteria is that each parent
must agree that all of the proposed schedules are acceptable. Typically, each plan
emphasizes different interests. In one
case, for example, the parents developed two schedules: one dividing the summer
into two equal blocks of time, one with each parent, and the other dividing the
summer into short blocks of parenting time, alternating throughout the summer. In another instance, the parents created one
schedule that included overnight camp enrollment and another schedule that
allowed family travel. Once the parents have developed several mutually
acceptable plans, they present the choices to the teen: “Your mother and I have
agreed that we can work with any one of these three schedules, which one would
you prefer?” The teen then has the
chance to indicate which plan is preferable. The parents can move forward with
the teen’s preference or use it as the basis for further discussion.

In families with more than one teenager, parents can either
present a different set of options to each teen (tailored individually) or
present one set of options and ask them to decide amongst themselves which one
they prefer.

This approach has several
advantages. It reassures the teen that his or her parents can work together and
use reasonable compromises to account for everyone’s concerns. Although the teen weighs in with a final
choice, decision-making authority remains with the parents – the teen is
choosing amongst options created by the parents, not ones of their own making. Furthermore, the process teaches the teens the
necessity of making compromises and tradeoffs amongst everyone’s preferences to
reach agreements: “You can’t always get what
you want.” But by having a decisive say
in what is finally chosen, he or she has real involvement in the decision.

About this Blog

Dr. Mark Otis has been a practicing psychologist in Dallas since 1979. He writes and produces multimedia educational and training material for divorce professionals and divorcing parents who want to improve their co-parenting, negotiation, mediation, and conflict de-escalation skills. Dr. Otis recently moved to Denver, Colorado where he continues his consultation practice.

Welcome Back, Pluto

If you have confronted many instances of parent-child alienation, you have probably encountered children who insist upon calling their rejected parent by their first name (or worse). Perhaps in most instances, the alienated children’s intent is to show contempt towards the rejected parent: “You don’t deserve the name Mom or Dad, you’ve lost the right to that respect.” Welcome Back, Pluto presents this issue to children and adults in an even-handed manner designed to replace contempt with compassion and hurt with understanding.

A Psychedelic Pluto

Pluto lit up for the holidays

Contact Mark Otis

email: mark@markrotis.com

Check out this new online divorce service

If you are a married parent living in Texas and are considering divorce, check out a new online service, Negotiated Divorce, for couples who want to conduct their own divorce. Negotiated Divorce was designed by legal, mental health and financial divorce professionals with over 90 years combined experience. Designed to be more than another document service, the site has extensive educational material and easy to follow instructions to help parents make informed agreements about parenting plans, financial issues, and property settlements. Based on a core value that "negotiated solutions are the best solutions," Negotiated Divorceis the only online service that offers extensive multimedia educational material focused exclusively on helping couples learn the skills and tools of negotiating that are so necessary to good agreements. . Check it out.

One of the hallmarks of divorce conflict is insufficient civility. Everyday, angry ex’ send contentious, nasty emails and texts that they...

Articles and websites of interest

It takes two to have a war, but perhaps only one to make peace. Read an article by three prominent Israelis with a unique perspective on the Israeli-Palestinian debate about how to achieve peace...Peace Without Partners...

If you are family lawyer wanting to improve your analysis of mental health professionals's evaluations of your clients (or if you are a mental health professional preparing to testify about an evaluation you conducted), be sure to read the two best books on the market:Confronting Mental Health Evidence and How to Examine Mental Health Experts. Written by John A. Zervopoulos, Ph.D., J.D., these books will organize your analysis, guide your questions, and improve your practice.

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Video links

Bargaining is often an essential component to how satisfied the parties feel about a negotiation. Making concessions back and forth reassures each party that the other side is willing to consider their concerns. But when an agreement is reached without either side making significant concessions, both parties may walk away dissatisfied, wondering if they could have achieved more.For a light-hearted look at this dynamic, watch this classic scene from Seinfeld where Kramer and Jerry’s father negotiate the sale of some raincoats.

Monty Python also took a look at bargaining -- but puts a reverse spin on it in this hilarious scene set in a middle east bazaar.

It's a negotiation! Or is it? Watch this lawyer, played by George Clooney, begin settlement discussionsin his client's divorce.

Interests are at the core of every negotiation. Can you identify the landlord's interests in this scene from The Tenant?

One can't succeed without risking failure. Check out these inspirational videos about infamous failures such as Abraham Lincoln and Michael Jordan if you feel that failure is weighing you down.

I've used this clip from the Wedding Crashers for years to illustrate the importance of the relationship between the parties to succeed at a negotiation. Don't be fooled by their sarcasism and cynicism, these mediators know what they're doing to help the divorcing parties reach an agreement.

Need to laugh?

It's important for all of us to be able to laugh at ourselves, including mental health professionals. Here's aclassic sketch starring Bob Newhart that pokes good fun at therapy.

Mindset

Do you know the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset? It's an important concept with which all parents should be familiar. Check out this informative and inspiring TedTalk by Eduardo Briceno.

Brandon Todd illustrates the importance of persistence to a growth mindset. Inspiring short documentary of how a man challenged himself to do what others said was not possible.