They’re called cat burglars for a reason, people.

February 17, 2011

This video has caused a bit of a tiff in our circle of friends…

So there’s a cat that compulsively steals from the neighborhood, and it’s really good at it too because they don’t mention catching the cat nicking these items (save for the nightvision video footage, but cats are naturally photogenic so they don’t care that they’re being filmed).

And so on this unseasonably warm winter’s day, whilst Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat is sitting on his front porch sunning himself, he gets an unexpected visitor jumping down from the trees that line our street.

“We need to talk, cat,” says Ninja Vicki with a narrow-eyed scowl.

Bernie opens one kitty eye as his ear twitches at the sound of Vicki’s voice. “We don’t need to talk. We need to shut the hell up so I can get more sunshine.”

“No, we need to talk because your feline brethren are infringing on my turf,” says Ninja Vicki, who then informs Bernie about the feline thief in California. “Stealing is my dominion. Keep your paws out of it. You’re not ninjas.”

Bernie sits up with a yawn. “On the contrary, cats are nature’s ninjas. In fact, it should be cats telling you to stay out of our dominion.”

“Cats don’t have swords or throwing stars,” says Ninja Vicki.

“No, but we silently sneak up on prey and kill them with our claws,” says Bernie. “We climb things real easy, we’re masters of our environment, and we are agile in the air. Ninjas have been stealing our shit for centuries. Not that I blame you for having the good sense to emulate the most dangerous animal in the world.”

“I thought the cassowary was the most dangerous animal in the world,” says Ninja Vicki.

“That’s a misconception held by all truly stupid people,” says Bernie.

“Whether that’s true or not doesn’t concern me,” says Ninja Vicki. “What does concern me is that, as a ninja, I can’t sit back and watch cats horn in on my ninja territory of thievery. Ninjas have an image to uphold.”

“The media has a lot of misconceptions about ninjas,” says Ninja Vicki. “That’s why we have to be vigilant about our image, and this cat burglar damages that image.”

“The cat steals wet bathing suits and old shoes,” says Bernie. “It’s not stealing DVD’s and expensive jewelry like you do on a regular basis.”

“It’s still stealing,” says Ninja Vicki. “And he’s doing it at night, when I do all my stealing.”

“The cat is bringing back gifts to its owners so as to demonstrate that it is indeed a good kitty and should be rewarded as such,” says Bernie. “The cat isn’t stealing to fill its empty soul with material goods because it can’t forge healthy relationships with people, like someone I know.”

“Hey, how about getting you wife to pour you a nice bowl of ‘Don’t fucking go there?'” Ninja Vicki says. “Or else I’ll have to serve you a dish of ‘Carve Your Kitty Ass Up.'”

“How about pouring yourself a cold glass of ‘Get the Fuck Off My Porch, You Sad, Lonely Creature?'” says Bernie, deploying his laser cannon from his hip. “That way I can spare you the economy-sized box of ‘Fucking Your Shit Up ‘ I have reserved for you.”

Ninja Vicki gives Bernie another scowling glare before jumping back into the trees and leaping her way home. Bernie retracts his laser cannon, does that long kitty stretch that cats do, and then tumbles over into the sunbeam on the porch to resume his sunning while he can, for tomorrow it will be cold again… but Ninja Vicki will still have issues.