Episode 64: 3 Nephi 9-11

This one starts off with mormon god bragging about all the people he just burned, drowned, buried alive, etc. I get a little pissed (well, maybe a little more than a little) and I let god know how I feel about him and his murderous rampage. But things take a turn for the better because our boy Jesus shows up! But I hope you didn’t have very high expectations, because there seems to be something wrong with his head.

“Drink” Count – 25

Just a little over 4 beers

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19 Comments on “Episode 64: 3 Nephi 9-11”

This one, however, is a little different from most, in that it is neither iconic, nor is it well-loved among current member of the LDS church. This painting was among some of the other Friberg paintings I’ve showcased before as being used in the old early-1980’s missionary edition of the Book of Mormon. But just a few years later, it was replaced by this piece, painted by… I don’t know, some other person:

And while this is a lesser piece of artwork, I think I understand the change. As a kid, I never liked this Friberg. First, you can barely make out Jesus as he hurtles to earth like a fiery meteorite. Second, judging by the people in the foreground, to me the people always seemed less amazed or excited to see Jesus than apprehensive or even terrified. Before I ever read this part of the book as a kid, it looked like Jesus was coming to destroy some sinners. (Which, oh yeah, he already did back in chapters 8-9.)

I suppose my reaction wasn’t unique, and the church decided to go with a more kindly, recognizable Jesus for the illustration that is many people’s first introduction to the Book of Mormon.

By the way, 3 Nephi 11 is my absolute LEAST favorite chapter in the Book of Mormon! I hate it not because I find it, all by itself, to be particularly offensive, no. (Though in conjunction with the previous chapters, yes, I find it very offensive.) It is, however, the chapter I was required to read over and over again, more than any other part of the book, as a missionary, and I got very sick of it.

When missionaries can convince somebody to sit down with them for a lesson, on that first occasion the main thing they talk about is the Book of Mormon, and they try to get a commitment from the person they’re teaching, their “investigator”, to read a chapter. This chapter was the default chapter we always left people to show them what the book was all about. This meant almost every time we ever scored a second lesson with anybody, whether they had read the chapter on their own or not, we took half an hour or so to read this chapter out loud with them, and talk about it. The purpose was to get people to feel the warm, cuddly feelings you only get when you hear about a throng of people shoving their hands into someone else’s pierced flesh. We told people that those good feelings were “The Spirit”, and hoped to convince them to believe everything else we were going to tell them after that, because “The Spirit” testifies of the truth, didn’t you know?

I always fervently hoped that no one would stray from the assigned reading, and read back just a couple chapters, because then we’d have to explain how Dick-Jesus is really the same person as Nice-Jesus, and we probably would have had a harder time bringing in that warm feeling.

3 Nephi 11:29 is one of the more frequently quoted scriptures in LDS culture:

“For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.”

Yay, the Second Coming of Scott has been foretold! You guys are a great duo, and alcohol makes it a Holy Trinity.

David, I’m sure you’ve been told this before, but I want to say it myself:

This show is a lot of fun, but it provides a much deeper service beyond entertainment. One of the aspects of leaving Mormonism is deconstructing the things that you were indoctrinated with.

The apostle Jeffrey Holland makes his apologetic about the Book of Mormon: “If anyone is foolish enough to reject a text teeming with literary and Semitic complexity without honestly attempting to account for the origin of those pages, then such a person has been deceived; and if he or she leaves this Church, it must be done by crawling over or under or around the Book of Mormon to make that exit.” [abbreviated]

He attempts to say that the Book of Mormon is so rich and complex and spiritual and obviously Semitic, that the only explanation of its origin is divine providence. After hearing your reading, listeners can know that the spiritual teachings in it are plagiarized, and any attempt at originality is shallow, and often evil. Its missionary-versus-atheist stories are photocopies of each other. Its military adventures are the same story retold with new names.

Every story in the Book of Mormon is stupid. The characters are one-dimensional. Entire populations and civilizations are reduced to a single, monolithic stereotype. The book is sharply banded into non-intersecting topics (i.e. Journey to America, The Lazy One-Page Writers, King Benjamin, Missionaries, Wars, Domestic Upheaval, Jesus, etc). There is no trace of Semitic ritual, practice, or mentality.

Your commentary bypasses Elder Holland’s requirement to “crawl under or around the Book of Mormon” — it punches right through it.

It makes me glad that so many nevermo’s have found this podcast. Any religion that was learned during childhood is difficult to leave, especially Mormonism because of its doctrine of Spiritual Hostage Taking. The best cure for Mormonism is prevention.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Just know that you are helping people deconstruct another deeply held childhood illusion. Keep up the good work.

On the Religion Making Business
There we were, gathered around to listen to David Michael dispense with his latest dispensation of My Book of Mormon –– Nephi. As we listened to the word-play of the BoM, the clarity of the scripture, the deep content and the somber tone of the “word,” tears of hilarity became the norm as David dug deeper into the visitation of Jesus and crew, Elohim, and the Holy Ghost. As the veil was lifted the essence of the Mormon Bible is made clear to all.

It has been observed by many historians and theologians that if the phrase, “And it came to pass” were replaced by the phrase, “Once upon a time,” the readability of the (BOM) Book of Mormon would be greatly enhanced –– Yea Drink.

Example: ‘Once upon a time, with golden plates in tow, Angel Moroni fluttered his wings and flew up and away as the clouds parted for his passage unto the Lord’s domain; a deep booming voice could be heard echoing from above, as he ascended the booming voice repeated again and again, “Come hither Moroni. Come hither Moroni.”‘
As can be seen the essential content of text is preserved but the reader is further engaged by sparking the imagination and imbuing a sense of wonder; even a Perfidious Angel can engender endearment when the BoM is impregnated with the spark of levity and playful ebullience.

David, I tears trickled down as I listened to your inspired reading of your Book of Mormon. I have claimed that Mormons can do most anything in the name if their bible and feel no cognitive dissonance.

Concerning the doctrine of Beetlejuice, that our bodies will forever show the wounds that killed us, yeah, Jesus having his wounds is kind of inconsistent with something earlier in the book, back in Alma, where it said “the spirit and body shall be reunited again in its perfect form…and even there shall not so much as a hair of their heads be lost”. That’s the verse beloved by all faithful, bald Mormon men, as they take it completely seriously and jokingly at the same time.

Anyway, the church prophet from about 45 years ago, Joseph Fielding Smith (who once prophesied that man would never walk on the Moon, just so we get a sense of his reliability), caught this nit, and said that Jesus was an exception to this rule, and his showing off his wounds was only a “special manifestation”, not a bodily imperfection he’d have to put up with forever. But of course, Jesus will need to hang on to his nail wounds at least long enough to show them to “the Jews” at the Second Coming: “…and they shall look upon me whom they have pierced, and they shall mourn for him…and one shall say unto him, What are these wounds in thine hands? Then he shall answer, Those with which I was wounded in the house of my friends.” And THEN they’ll feel bad, those silly Jews… (see Zechariah 12:10 and 13:6, cherry-picked conveniently out of context.)

3 Nephi 9:16 “I came unto my own, and my own received me not.”
Translation: “I first came to the Jews, and I’m a Jew myself. But they kicked me out and killed me. (It sounds like I’m throwing my own people under the bus, but really they threw themselves under the bus.)”

Chickens and Hen = Matthew 23:37 (O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not!)

Receive me not = John 5:43 (I am come in my Father’s name, and ye receive me not: if another shall come in his own name, him ye will receive.)

House on Sand/Rock = Matthew 7:24-27 (Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock. And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.)

Thank God for the Law of Witnesses.
Behold, “once upon a time” the still small voice sayeth “and it came to pass.” scorched earth is the best earth and burnt offerings are inedible by the wicked, and the rest are baptized as a little child while the siff-necked and wicked with levity continue feasting and dancing for all who have survived the scourging by Our Heavenly Father. The righteousnes of the Mormon Jesus answers to the Jewish-Mormon Elohim. “And it came to pass, all will be sorted out in the end.”
I hope all those witnesses washed their hands before poking the be-jesus out of the incarnation of our messiah in Zarahemla.
Hosanna finger poking Jesus for sport, it’s a mormon thing.

Mark Twain’s comment on the Book Of Mormon remains salient –– an “unusually effective cure for insomnia”

Samuel Clemens has since been posthumously baptized successfully and is now in Mormon Heaven along with many of his favorite detractors –– they joke a lot about the meaning of life posthumously.