WELL; Shhh...My Child Is Sleeping (in My Bed, Um, With Me)

By TARA PARKER-POPE

Published: October 23, 2007

A few years ago, my daughter told me about a dream involving a giant bag of Doritos. The crinkles in the package had formed a sort of ladder, and she had climbed them to reach the giant chips inside. ''It was such a good dream, Mom,'' she told me.

The Doritos dream is just one of the countless parent-child memories that I have experienced in the middle of the night. Since she was an infant, my daughter, now in the third grade, has shared my bed and my sleep. I certainly never expected to be a ''co-sleeping'' parent, but sharing a bed was simply easier when she was a baby still breast-feeding, and getting her out of the bed as she got older has been next to impossible.

In most of the world, sleeping next to your child is a necessity: families of limited means live in cramped quarters. But in the affluent West, the practice is widely frowned on, not just by grandparents and friends, but by the medical community at large.

Still, it is far more common than many people think. Nearly 13 percent of parents in the United States slept with their infants in 2000, up from 5.5 percent in 1993, according to a report last month in the journal Infant and Child Development. Countless children start the night in their own beds, only to wake up a few hours later and pad into their parents' bedrooms, crawling into the bed or curling up nearby on the floor.

Ask parents if they sleep with their kids, and most will say no. But there is evidence that the prevalence of bed sharing is far greater than reported. Many parents are ''closet co-sleepers,'' fearful of disapproval if anyone finds out, notes James J. McKenna, professor of anthropology and director of the Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory at the University of Notre Dame.

''They're tired of being censured or criticized,'' Dr. McKenna said. ''It's not just that their babies are being judged negatively for not being a good baby compared to the baby who sleeps by himself, but they're being judged badly for having these babies and being needy.''

In fact, research shows that parents often talk about their children's sleep habits in terms of where the child starts off the night or where the child is supposed to sleep -- not necessarily where the child usually ends up sleeping.

In a series of studies in Britain, scientists interviewed parents about their children's sleep habits, but also used infrared cameras to monitor the parents' bedroom. The children often spent part of the night in the adults' bed, but in about half those cases, the parents did not reveal that unless they were specifically asked. As a result, many experts say most of the data in the United States vastly understates how common the practice really is.

One reason may be that adults feel guilty because pediatricians frown on co-sleeping. The American Academy of Pediatrics has said babies should sleep close to their parents but not in the same bed. The concern is that a sleeping parent could trap a baby in bed covers or in the space between the bed and the wall.

Although some studies suggest bed sharing puts children at higher risk for sudden infant death syndrome, the data are not conclusive. And some researchers say the risk is higher only if parents smoke, drink too much alcohol and fail to take proper precautions to make sure the bed is safe.

One common concern is whether the practice interferes with the development of healthy sleep habits. For example, studies in Italy, China, the United States and elsewhere have consistently found links between co-sleeping and frequent night wakings.

But the studies are generally based on reports from the parents themselves, and some researchers question whether such data are all that meaningful. Kathleen Dyer, an assistant professor of child, family and consumer sciences at California State University, Fresno, says this measurement bias may lead scientists to overstate the problems associated with bed sharing.

In one study, for example, 139 parents were asked about the sleep habits of their young children. Parents who slept with their children reported a much higher frequency of nighttime wakings than parents who did not.

Of course, Dr. Dyer says. ''When you're sleeping with your kid and he wakes up once during the night, you know about it because you're there,'' she said. ''If he's in the next room, he's still waking up at night, but you just don't see it.'' The more important question, she says, is whether the parents regard nighttime wakings as a problem. ''What the researcher thinks is a problem,'' she said, ''is often not what the family thinks is a problem.''

Another fear is that bed sharing will take a heavy toll on a marriage. That is certainly likely if the parents disagree about where a child should sleep. But in cases where both parents agree on the sleeping arrangement, parents who sleep with their children are typically as happy as parents of solitary sleepers.

In a paper last month in Infant and Child Development, Dr. Dyer proposed that co-sleeping families fall into three distinct categories. There are intentional co-sleepers -- those who sleep with their children because they want to breast-feed for a long stretch and believe bed sharing is good for a child's well-being and emotional development. Another group is reactive co-sleepers, those parents who don't really want to sleep with their kids, but do so because they can't get their children to sleep any other way or because financial hardship requires them to share a room with a child.

And then there is a third group that she tentatively calls circumstantial co-sleepers -- parents who sleep with their children occasionally because of circumstances like sharing a bed on a family vacation, during a thunderstorm or because the child is sick.

Bed sharing is most likely of greatest concern among reactive co-sleepers, Dr. Dyer says, because the practice is essentially forced on parents. In those cases, the practice is likely to be stressful for both parent and child.

''I think it's possible to sleep next to a baby and not be responsive to their tender needs,'' Dr. Dyer said. She recalled a story of a mother who was temporarily living with her in-laws and sharing a room with her child. ''I think she was resentful of the fact that they were crammed into this room,'' she went on. ''Where a person sleeps is not what it's about. It's about the quality of the emotional relationship.''

When my daughter was born, I certainly didn't want her in my bed. (I was recovering from a Caesarean section.) But the nurses insisted that I hold her in my hospital bed because her cries were disturbing the other babies. I didn't have the fortitude to let her ''cry it out,'' so with the encouragement of my pediatrician, I made my peace with the situation.

''You just have one of those babies who needs to be held,'' he said.

It hasn't always been easy. A friend of mine correctly notes that sleeping with a child is much like sleeping inside a washing machine. But today, my daughter is far more independent about sleep, venturing to sleepovers at friends' houses, staying overnight at camp and sleeping some nights in her own bed.

And while there are still many nights when she crawls into bed next to me, my pediatrician assures me it's nothing to worry about.

''I can tell you with certainty,'' he says, ''that one day you will wake up, and she won't be there.''

PHOTOS: In most of the world, sleeping next to your child is a necessity. But in the West, the practice is widely frowned on by grandparents, friends and the medical community. Still, studies have shown it is more common than many people think. (PHOTO MONTAGE BY JONATHON ROSEN)