'Game of Thrones': Biggest Jaw-Dropping Moments in Episode 2

So hey, am I the last person on earth to realize that the Game of Thrones opening sequence actually changes based on the locations in the episode? I guess I normally fast-forward through the intro in my eagerness to see what's been happening in Westeros, but last night I finally noticed that the map had some new-to-me visuals (the Iron Islands and Dragonstone). Wow, who knew? Besides EVERYONE EXCEPT ME, THAT IS.

Now that we've established my questionable powers of observation, let's talk about some of the most memorable scenes from last night's episode, shall we?

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Tyrion banishing Slynt. Wasn't this was a delicious moment, with Tyrion leveraging his newfound power as Hand of the King to banish Slynt the babykiller? Here, have some wine, call me Tyrion, and oh BTW I'd like to offer you a thrilling new position at the Night's Watch, effective immediately. No need to concern yourself about transportation, I've made all the arrangements. Notify Joffrey, that little shitweasel? "No, we shan't."

Gendry's fumbling apology to Arya. I loved the banter between Gendry and Arya, especially when he informed her she wasn't fooling him by pretending to be a boy. "Pull out your cock and take a piss, then," he said when she denied it, which he had to apologize for once he realized her true identity. Sorry for all that cock talk, Lady Arya! Also for peeing in front of you! Jeez, did I just mention penises again? SORRY, MILADY.

Theon manhandling his own sister. Theon passed his travel time hip-deep in one girl, and barely stepped onshore before he was lecherously groping the crotch of another woman. Who turned out to be his sister. His sister who is regarded by their father as a vastly superior warrior and heir, by the way. Worst family reunion ever.

Melisandre and Stannis getting it on. I feel like this was supposed to be a metaphorical and powerful scene, what with the priestess knocking figures to the ground and spreading her body across the country, but I was very distracted by the thought of how UNBELIEVABLY UNCOMFORTABLE sex on a topographical war room table would be. "Hang on, I have a mountain stuck in my—ouch." (Also, dang, was this the most sex-filled episode of all time, or what? Game of BONERS, more like.)

Jon Snow getting brained by Craster. Okay, so Craster is sacrificing his male babies to … what? The White Walkers? I'm not sure what's going on here but I am very worried about Jon Snow, whose handsome mug got cold-cocked by Craster right before the credits rolled. I mean, gosh, I really hope that injury didn't mar his lovely profile.

Cersei's evil dig at Tyrion. In a confrontation with Tyrion that actually made me clap my hands over my mouth, Cersei—who I was almost feeling sorry for, moments earlier in their conversation—responded to Tyrion's joke about her relationship with her brother Jamie: "You're funny. You've always been funny, but none of your jokes will ever match the first one, will they. Back when you ripped my mother open on your way out of her and she bled to death," she said, bitchface intact. "Mother gone, for the sake of you. There's no bigger joke in the world than that." Ohhhhhhhhh, Tyrion. That was unbelievably awful, but you had to know it was coming. After all, a Lannister always repays her debts.

What was your favorite scene from last night's episode of Game of Thrones?