Pandagon is daily opinion blog covering feminism, politics, and pop culture. Come for the politics, stay for the complete lack of patience for the B.S. and bad faith coming from conservative leaders and pundits.

Interrupting This Paper Writing Spectacular To Fuck With Microsoft

So, the “I’m a PC” Laptop Hunters commercials really, really annoy me. The main reason is because their choppy editing and complete logical inconsistency makes the entire message of the commercial that PCs are great for indecisive consumers who want a computer that will Do Things, and the problem with Macs is Stuff. The secondary reason is the premise of the commercials, which is as follows:

1.) Microsoft will offer you an amount of money to buy a computer that will fulfill your needs.
2.) Your needs are poorly defined, oddly inconsistent with the needs of a real person in your situation, and ultimately fulfilled by whatever’s cheap and name brand.
3.) For no apparent reason, you will leave hundreds of dollars of free money (and thus free computer) on the table just to get back at those fucking Mac bastard fucks.

Let us watch A Tale Of Two Laurens.

Lauren One is a cute, alternative redhead (she has a SCARF and a BIG PURSE and DARK FINGERNAIL POLISH and probably works at your local coffee shop and smiles at you but is not interested in you like that, but maybe, who knows?) who, if you’ll notice, walks in the Mac Store long enough for a passerby to go approximately 25 feet and be in both her entering the store and exiting the store shot. She wants a sub-$1000 computer, but does not want the terrible Mac with the 13″ screen that she never looked at.

For some reason, Lauren wants a computer with a 17″ screen, but given that she ends up buying a $700 HP, I have no idea what she wants the screen for – she’s too busy fake-lamenting her lack of Mac coolness to actually say – but she gets her HP Pavillion with its big screen and its future bevy of technical issues (not a particularly big HP fan here).

Then, there’s Lauren Two. She’s a cute, perky blonde who’s going out with mom to find a computer for law school (wholesome and smart!), and wants something small and light and portable for under $1700. So, for some completely inexplicable reason, she goes to the larger $2,000 Mac, which is just a terrible choice.

So, Lauren Two, unable to find a Mac under $2,000, buys a 13″ Dell XPS for just under $1,000. It’s so sad that she…wait the fuck a minute. Lauren One didn’t even go in the stupid store and still found a 13″ Mac for $1,000, but Lauren Two couldn’t find the same computer despite the fact that she was verifiably standing next to Macs – THERE IS VIDEO – and looking at them. Mom says that Lauren Two always gets what she wants, although I have to wonder how accurate that assessment is when she remains blithely ignorant of her options.

Also, I get that the point of these commercials is that PCs are a lot more affordable, but really, if a giant soulless corporation offers you X amount of money for something, wouldn’t any rational person take X amount of money rather than saving them a few hundred dollars?

This, in a nutshell, is why I hate these ads. It’s people (well, actors) basically shopping for some random set of specifications solely for the purpose of not buying the competitor product. It’s like having someone wander around a Toyota dealership, fruitlessly searching for a sub-$15,000 sedan with a four-letter name before finding out that the only car which satisfies such a pressing need is the Chevy Aveo.

About the Author

Jesse Taylor is an attorney and blogger from the great state of Ohio. He founded Pandagon in July, 2002, and has also served on the campaign and in the administration of former Ohio Governor Ted Strickland. He focuses on politics, race, law and pop culture, as well as the odd personal digression when the mood strikes.