Pages

Saturday, September 15, 2012

why does the Universe love me today?

Freaking out about the housing situation seemed counterproductive, so I put 'having to move' on the back-burner because I had too many other pressing issues to deal with, and I managed get most of them handled, or at least enough to keep them from becoming overwhelming. then I thought 'things are settling down a bit and falling into place - maybe I should take a look and see what's out there for apartments...'. after a quick meander through the local paper and a craigslist search, I saw a few options worth contacting, but still didn't get right down to making any calls or anything, though I noticed the brand new, energy efficient, affordable housing units are accepting applications for when they are ready, probably this winter. then my housing assistance angel called to remind me that I really should move soon ad that she was mailing me an application to the new, energy efficient, affordable housing units. that was followed by a call from the woman whose apartment I had wanted to rent, but lost to the first people who looked at it - to tell me that they had changed their minds, and the place was still available if I was still looking. how about that? 'signs point to yes', as my Magic 8 Ball used to say...

sight unseen, I thought I definitely wanted the woman's apartment - less than a mile from work, a mile to town, good bike riding neighborhood, good neighbors, accessible yard space... I went to see it this afternoon with the boy, and I was less than impressed by the layers of workmanship that overlapped each other in close approximations of patch jobs that came up relatively short on all measures, but I spent enough time there visioning to see how - with some effort and determination - I could make it work. it's a bit expensive for what it is, but I haven't called the manager back yet to tell her what I thought of it, and to discuss particulars, but...I was less sure I wanted it after seeing the place. it makes sense in all the right ways, and it seems to have landed in my lap all nice and pat, so why question? I should just move and be happy, right? well, there's the new Commons, too, the affordable housing gig...

getting in to the Commons isn't a given, and they're not renting them 'til January or something. we can move to town, and not quite unpack all our things, so if our number comes up for the new places, we can go check them out and decide when the time comes. I think that's just the way it's gonna go. I've lived in nicer places, but I've lived in worse ones, too (I think) - we are grateful for choices. here's another: there's a possibility that I might not be able to move on the first, in which case, I may lose the first apartment again, but there is another apartment in the same building that will be available by then...so many things to consider, so many ways the dice could roll! but the question remains, 'when do I get to be Home already?' does that ever happen for people? I suppose it must - yes, in fact I know a few of them, though not many. so why do I feel like the Universe loves me today, any more than any other day?

I don't, really. I think the Universe is mostly indifferent to my existence, but I had a thought to do something proactive, did it, and got some valuable information in the process. then I got a call reminding me to be proactive about my situation, followed by another call (mostly) solving the original dilemma. after that, I had a good talk with an old friend, then a quick chat with an older one, and I just felt like maybe I had finally come to ground after a long time falling down, and discovered a $100 dollar bill on the ground that I wouldn't have seen had I not tripped (hat tip to Rob Breszny's Aquarius horoscope from a few weeks back). this whole process has reminded me of a time when I was venting to a friend about how I wanted people to acknowledge how hard I was working holding everything together, how well I endured the daily struggle. she said she saw me as if I was paddling upstream in a canoe, against the current. she wondered why I was working so hard when everything I wanted was downstream, and couldn't I just let the river carry me where I needed to go?

I feel a little like that now - like I'm sitting in my canoe on high alert, having put up my paddle, with my hands folded in my lap, waiting to see where my vessel gets to. where will we come to ground? there may soon be a mystery factor, or a particular enigma that may pass me by on the Home front, who knows - some shadows are too dark to see... I choose to remain optimistic that there will be a porch for my rump to settle into a rocker on, one of these days, however many rooms I need to travel through before I get there. it can't be too many more, now, there's been so many! and maybe once the boy is grown, I can take a break from spaces altogether for awhile - won't that be refreshing? though I'll be over 50 by then, for sure, and I certainly can't begin to guess how I may feel about anything most of a decade from now. today, on the other hand, had more smiles than tears in it, and more hope than grief. so that's all I'm gonna say about it for now, and hope I have a happy update soon enough.

"And so it is that we, as (people), do not exist until we do; and then it is that we play with our world of existent things, and order and disorder them, and so it shall be that Non-existence shall take us back from Existence, and that nameless Spirituality shall return to Void, like a tired child home from a very wild circus."