Saturday, April 12, 2014

25 Better Endings for Mass Effect 3 (Spoiler-free)

No secrets a lot of people found the ending to Bioware's last entry in the Mass Effect trilogy more than a little dissapointing (Like typing death threats with fingers covered in Cheeto Dust kind of disappointing). There are no spoilers here. I'm writing this so you will feel just as betrayed as everyone else was when this game was released. I care to much to that that from you.

Shepard defeats the Reapers and they all live happily every after. They go buy some beer and have a gay old time. (That's what people wanted right?)

Shepard says "Screw this" and flies off to another galaxy that doesn't have Reapers (and maybe even glow-in-the-dark woman, that would be fun!)

Shepard falls out of a space ship riding on the back of the crucible waving a cowboy hat and blows them up ala Dr. Strangelove.

The Reapers start watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and realize how insensitive they've been behaving all this time.

Shepard wakes up to find Bobby Ewing in the shower who tells them the Reapers were all a dream.

And my younger readers collectively say "I don't get it"

The screen pauses at the ending and says "Insert Disc 3". Since there is no Disc 3 EA will sell it to you at a later date for 60 dollars.

Shepard gets gunned down by a spurned lover and the final act you resume control as Blasto.

Shepard confronts the Emperor of the Reapers while the Vorcha take down several of them on a forest moon using cartoonish traps made from logs.

The council read H.G Welles War of the Worlds and assume that they just need to wait for the viruses to kill the invading tripods.

The Reapers confess they were just trying to liberate their organic earthling brethren, the cuttlefish.

Our numbers will ink the sea of every world.

The save the ending for the Wii U version at least giving players proper incentive to buy it.

The characters do nothing to stop the Reapers but spend one heck of the last few months partying like there's no tomorrow.

Bioware remembers they aren't directing Neon Genesis Evangelion and a complete mind screw may not be the best way to end a story based in grounded humanity.

Shepard retreats to a backwoods asteroid where no Reapers ever go and forms of a harem full of all of his girlfriends. He smokes cigars in his hot tub, wearing sunglasses with two woman in his arms.

Shepard finds a portal to the world of Star Wars: The Old Republic and uses it's remaining playerbase to form an offensive.

Everyone gets all the Reapers into one place, put someone innocent looking between them all, then when they fire their lasers they all hit each other in one big circle of lasery doom.

They discover one refrigerator magnet on a Reaper is enough to scramble it's core.

They take the children's cartoon approach where the secret weapon to defeating the Reapers.. IS LOVE.

Jack leaves profanity laced rants on the Reaper's facebook pages, they get their feelings hurt and they try to distance themselves from people for a bit.

Shepard gives an inspirational speech to the Reapers about the great things their galaxy has to offer. This touches their mechanical hearts and they realize they have no right to rob the universe of their contributions.

Hamburgers made with doughnuts and fried eggs. One of many wonderful things to come out of the Milky Way galaxy that would be lost of the Reapers went through with their plans.

The true ending is only revealed if Shepard follows the hidden Reaper romance subplot. Where they have a child together due to his Cerberus-built body able to develop Reaper DNA. This newfound union between two radically different cultures creates a bond that ends the conflict.

Steven King takes over righting and it turns out the big alien spiders were actually clones played by Tim Curry.

Wrex kills all the Reapers (He could do it. You know this is true.)

Mass Effect 1 NPCs drive the Reapers into a suicidal state by constantly barking "Enemies Everywhere!" "Go go go!" and "You must die."