Reminiscing I guess? I know it seems petty, to have something as trivial as some distant heartbreak as a disturbance in one’s life. I need to wake up, can’t let this trouble me anymore. I don’t know what to think though, but I know this state of sometimes caring, sometimes stone cold can’t continue because it’s hurting me way more than it should.

She cut me out of her life so easily, deftly. Capable like that…keen is the best word to describe her. Quick-minded for problem-solving, but also able to navigate people, find people…people more suited to her friendships, her interests.

The problem’s not so small I guess. On one hand I want to cut her out of my life, let these old wounds heal and disappear. But I also want her in my life…maybe not as the person I fell in love with years ago, but as the person I admire and respect.

It’s a limbo…where the mind fights with itself on what it believes, unable to clearly distinguish what it really thinks, feels.

We are born with delusions. We think that the world is ours at birth, that we are meant to be served. Only through time and guidance do we learn to act properly and become productive citizens of society.

However, it is up to us to remove, and see through the initial sense of self-entitlement, the idea that we were set here to be almighty and unique. Without realism, the ability to imagine is without a venue for application. Without grounding in reality, the imagination and dreams of grandeur are exactly that: dreams and imagination.

For me…until recently I had this idea that I was really talented at the piano. Sure…I have some musicality, I feel the connection with the music. Can I compose pieces on the spot, play incredibly fast and have perfect technique, or have the innate desire to spend all of my time playing? The answer is no to all of the questions. The thing is, just because I’m not crazy talented doesn’t mean that piano is not worth doing…on the contrary, I see it as something that I can enjoy while being fairly good, and not have to stress about competition. I think piano is a wonderful form of self-expression, a beautiful instrument and definitely something worth trying. It’s a…serious hobby I guess.

That’s a perfectly reasonable approach towards some parts of our lives. If you enjoy drawing, but don’t want to be a professional artist…enjoy doing math contests but don’t like the idea of going into purely theoretical maths, or enjoy swimming but don’t want to be an olympic athlete, it’s always a choice. The future is only set in stone once it has dried and stiffened into the past. Until then every choice is fluid.

By all means, I am in no ways condoning the abandoning of what you enjoy doing, or encouraging everyone to be amateurs. Far from it. Instead, what I think is reasonable is realizing what you want to do in life, and benching the others as smaller parts in one’s life. For me, I don’t want to be a concert pianist when I grow up…so I choose to play for my enjoyment, and occasionally do small competitions. By prioritizing what matters most, you can find time for the things you want to do, want to try.

Distill the delusions of grandeur into acute ambition, and pursue the latter with focus.

(Hi guys, sorry for not posting yesterday, shorter post today. Getting a bit busy atm, but trying to find time for this.)

I had a piano competition yesterday…and I played pretty well. I thought that it was very expressive, and only a small mistake or two in one of the pieces. Honestly, I was pretty proud of myself, and thought it was one of my better performances in public.

Then I heard the next person…and the next, and by the time everyone else had played, I knew that I was not deserving of a place or medal at that competition. Technique-wise, my pieces weren’t nearly as difficult as my oppositions’ works. They weren’t as lengthy, not as technically challenging, and not as impressive. In terms of expressiveness, I felt that I was average compared to the others…it was an incredible experience listening to the music.

Sometimes…we only realize our ineptitude when standing next to those who are great. Only in perspective and in comparison to those who are truly masters, do we come to see our own flaws and shortcomings. When I played against those 4 other people, I knew I wasn’t just worse, but I was outclassed.

Very humbling as an experience, but also quite inspiring. I left that day feeling a little crushed (there goes my ego) but also motivated and passionate. I wanted to play like this one day, to make music flow effortlessly, the passion flowing out from the keys as they danced. Even if I don’t become a pianist when I grow up, I hope to pursue piano as a hobby, a backwater of my life. Music brings us so much joy, if only we choose to see it, and feel it with our hearts and souls.

I got 4th out of 5 people…so better than expected since one performer had missed a part in her difficult and lengthy piece. Had I still gotten last in spite of the mess up, I would have truly been disheartened at my total inadequacy next to these people.

In truth though, this experience taught me something more. It’s not about others, or winning the competition. It’s about playing for yourself, for others, telling your story to the audience. It’s not just a performance, it’s a part of you that is being shared.

Music may not be my life, but it’s a really good part of it, and I intend to keep it that way.