How to Deal With People Who Drain You

They're all around us: People who suck all the positive energy out of us to fuel their relentless hunger for negativity, leaving us drained, exhausted, and unhappy. Whatever you call them—energy vampires, energy suckers, or just unhappy, negative people—they can wreak havoc on your life if you don't have effective strategies to deal with them.

Energy vampires are often personality-disordered people who tend to be:

Intrusive, showing poor boundaries.

Overly dramatic, making mountains out of molehills.

Overly critical, finding fault with just about everyone and everything in their lives.

Chronic complainers, rarely finding anything to their liking or meeting their satisfaction.

Argumentative, having trouble agreeing with others, even on things that seem insignificant or inconsequential.

Relentlessly demanding and persistent, being unable to take no for an answer.

Constantly negative, always seeing the glass half empty.

Unable to accept responsibility, blaming everyone but themselves for their actions and problems.

There is no reason to allow their problems to become yours. Here are three steps to help you deal with people who drain you:

Know one when you see one. The negative nature of energy vampires is not always readily apparent when you first meet them. At first, their quirkiness may intrigue you, their gossip and stories may leave you wanting to hear more, their dramatic flair may entertain you, or their hard luck stories may suck you in. Soon, however, you begin to realize something is wrong. Don't ignore those feelings. Pay close attention to your instincts and your physical reactions after your encounters. If you find yourself experiencing muscle tension, loss of energy, headaches, irritability, sadness, mental confusion, or negativity, you likely have an energy vampire in your life.

Limit your contact. Once you've identified such people, limit the amount of time you spend with them. If you can't detach completely, as in the case of family members or coworkers, set firm limits. For example, for those who are intrusive or overly dramatic and end up consuming a lot of your time with their tales of woe or displays of theatrics, you should start off conversations with something like, "I only have a few minutes before I have to [fill in the blank]..." Once that time is up, politely disengage.

Don't get pulled in. No matter how much you might like to think or hope you will be able to fix their problems, you won't. Chronically negative people will either resist your interventions or create new crises in their lives for you to "fix." The truth is that in cases of personality-disordered people even the best therapists have difficulty effectuating change. In short, their problems are beyond your ability to "fix." Your best strategy is to protect yourself by setting clear and firm limits. For example, for those who are very needy or insecure and constantly want your guidance, resist offering solutions. Instead, say something like, "I'm confident that you'll be able to find the right answer on your own," and excuse yourself. You don't have to be rude—you can be firm in a kind and empathic way.

In the times we live in, energy, especially the positive kind, is a precious commodity. It's not something you should willingly give up to the negative power of those who would steal your energy. Instead, keep a positive attitude and surround yourself with positive people who leave you feeling upbeat and energized. In the words of Helen Keller, "Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow."

Sherrie, I would like to share my story to you. I do live with my mother, who I believe has a personality disorder although I am not professional to declare that but you see she fits into everything you have said. She is very intrusive in my privacy, space and time and doesn't know she is. She is such a drama queen, she complains to every little problem. She loves to spread rumors about other persons' lives eventhough she is not directly or indirectly affected by them. If opportunity comes she puts circus acts and spectacles, methaporically speaking. If she made a bad decision or if things gone bad she is always a victim in her own eyes. She lacks emphaty because I notice she enjoys when she is seeing others having a hard time. We don't have a conventional mother and son relationship. I never experience love with her as a parent but a whole life of misery , unaccomplishment and underachieving. Everyday I need to hear her constant bragging about everything. You know what it is like to have a parent with a personality disorder? I am lucky enough to know what situation I am now right now. I am still in my early 20's. I used to be very socially awkward. Takes time for me realize how to trust others. Typing this makes me emotional I can't make it organize. It is hard to live like this. But I can still make things right. I tried several times to reason out with her but it results to even she becoming a victim in situation. Living in a third world country, we cannot afford professional help also she doesn't want to recognize the problem that we have. Sorry for my bad English and terrible construction of this. I am a fan PT for over a year. This site has changed my life in many ways. Kudos to all writers and bloggers of this site. I discovered this site when I googled self-help. Next time I will try to make my comment more understandable because English is not my primary language.

Your situation is extremely similar to mine. My mother fits everyting you described, except she is also an alcoholic and violent. I moved to another state and she still monopolizes my time with her drama. If I'm sleeping when she calls she leaves tons of voicemails saying I don't love her and I'm a horrible daughter.

I really think the only way to deal with this is to cut them off. They can't see how negative they are. They don't want help because in their mind's they are the vitims. It is so frustrating.

I have known a friend for years from a job I had. She was a sales rep and I left the job and I gave her my number at first she call here and there. Then she started calling at 5 a.m. in the morning. I started to tell her hey it is 5 in the morning. But she continued to call and I would have to turn off my phone. I thought what a mistake I made by giving her my number. She would talk about her life and it was obvious she had some issues. Then she told me about her abusive boyfriend who she had a son with. I would listen to this feeling sorry for her. Telling her how to get put of the suituation or making suggestions and she would never leave. Then she started feel sorry for her routine she is an acholic and she told me she was diagnosed with generalized anxiety. She didn't want to work. I notice she would start on me and how I live and would like to hear how bad I was doing and got a bit jealous when things would go good with me.

I have dogs she copied these dogs I had and then started breeding them. She told me she wasn't into it but she did anyways. I wish I never meet her after years of listening to her sorry routine. I thought she was a friend and she just used me to suck the engergy out of me. You could never get her off the phone. I am glad I found this site.

Sherrie, I would like to share my story to you. I do live with my mother, who I believe has a personality disorder although I am not professional to declare that but you see she fits into everything you have said. She is very intrusive in my privacy, space and time and doesn't know she is. She is such a drama queen, she complains to every little problem. She loves to spread rumors about other persons' lives eventhough she is not directly or indirectly affected by them. If opportunity comes she puts circus acts and spectacles, methaporically speaking. If she made a bad decision or if things gone bad she is always a victim in her own eyes. She lacks emphaty because I notice she enjoys when she is seeing others having a hard time. We don't have a conventional mother and son relationship. I never experience love with her as a parent but a whole life of misery , unaccomplishment and underachieving. Everyday I need to hear her constant bragging about everything. You know what it is like to have a parent with a personality disorder? I am lucky enough to know what situation I am now right now. I am still in my early 20's. I used to be very socially awkward. Takes time for me realize how to trust others. Typing this makes me emotional I can't make it organize. It is hard to live like this. But I can still make things right. I tried several times to reason out with her but it results to even she becoming a victim in situation. Living in a third world country, we cannot afford professional help also she doesn't want to recognize the problem that we have. Sorry for my bad English and terrible construction of this. I am a fan PT for over a year. This site has changed my life in many ways. Kudos to all writers and bloggers of this site. I discovered this site when I googled self-help. Next time I will try to make my comment more understandable because English is not my primary language.

Captain Jack I just wanted to say you are not alone in your suffering. My mother was/is also like this as are many other female members of my family. I am a 40 yr old woman who dealt with this crazy mother for years till I was able to move far away. Believe me if you can find a way to move away from your controlling mother your life can get better. You can find happiness and contentment. I too was socially awkward, moreso in my younger years, and I think this was because my mother was unable to raise me properly. I suspect she has borderline personality disorder. I finally went to a psychologist in my later years and spent 2 years in counseling. I learned how to set boundaries and was warned no matter how cruel it sounds to never ever let my mother live with me again as it would cause me mental harm and I already have complex PTSD from a childhood of abuse and neglect according to my psychologist. I was so messed up I didn't realized I was neglected. You have a right to be happy 'Jack'. Your feelings matter and you must place your needs first if your mother is so cruel. Find a way to move out and start a life on your own. If you can move hundreds or thousands of miles away it makes it really hard for parents like that to disrupt your life. You can do it Jack! I did so I know you can too!

the world around us is evil, if everyone just closes himself in their own shell in order to satisfy their egos, the powerstructure that rules the world and creates all evil will only grow stronger .... but of course we should strive for happiness, but happiness should not be created because we shut out the outside world, it should rather be created from letting the outside world in and THEN we could create something nicer together with others.... in the end that would lead to that the "good world" will win the fight against the "evil world".....and REAL HAPPINESS is created =)

Although I cannot deny that it has a draining effect on others, negativity can also be a more accurate portrayal of reality.

Is it worse to be blindly positive, when it leads to the denial of truth, or is it better to be realistically negative?

It seems to be a trait of western societies to want to live in a culture of comforting lies, rather than inconvenient truths.

The quote: "keeping your head to the sunshine so you can't see the shadows" is frankly ridiculous. We only see the true shape and texture of things if that light also has shadow. Similarly, happiness can only come about if we embrace and accept the negatives along with the positives.

I had a girlfriend for 18 months who was an energy drainer. Constant negativety no matter the subject.
Then I got sick and she said she fell out of love with me and didnt want to stay out of pity.
I think she did me a favour. Pure "poison" for my health.
Yet why do we hang onto such people long after we expose them?

She is 35, single, no kids, works as a care worker for kids including ones with disabilities. This is a hard job even for one with their own family, for her it has left her deeply negative. She appears to have been on a course 2 weeks after the last one & now her Facebook page says she has changed jobs if not what to.

Sharing the length of the flat with her for some time, mave felt the need to use Feng Shui mirrors to stop her negativity & it appeared to work.

I've never spoken to her as the need for mirrors was needed to reflect her bad energy later found to be negativity. One day I put my head out the door just after the postman knocked after hearing a noise & it was her instead, she never turned around to say hello. The feeling of her bad negativity without the protection of my mirrors was quite shocking!

Before that I was talking to one neighbour by the main door & another joined, a chat with 3 ensured. She was heard coming down the stairs. I'd never seen her face to face before & not any acknowledgement she was walking past 3 humans showed on her face, so we said nothing either! One neighbour has lived with her upstairs for 4 years, not a word!

One bizarre time I saw a woman by the main door bent over, not being the sort to take advantage, just walked past with my bin bag & said 'alright' just to note I was gone. On walking back from the main bins, said woman was staring at me & me looking straight at her, not a movement or anything, just staring. Walked on past as was going to the shops. It was her again, my strange neighbour.

But the day she came back after losing the job, her negative energy was so strong it was deeply affecting me as I tried to sleep, after going to bed early after getting up early. To stop her energy leaving me quite so uncomfortable, a large mirror was placed facing her flat.

Instantly the bad energy was gone & I managed to get back to sleep & laid in bed without her dark negativity pulling me down.

Shame she's like that, but it's clearly why she is as she is, deeply negative. Makes you wonder how a person can be like that, she has lots of family & facebook "friends" so a mystery she is

She is 35, single, no kids, works as a care worker for kids including ones with disabilities. This is a hard job even for one with their own family, for her it has left her deeply negative. She appears to have been on a course 2 weeks after the last one & now her Facebook page says she has changed jobs if not what to.

Sharing the length of the flat with her for some time, mave felt the need to use Feng Shui mirrors to stop her negativity & it appeared to work.

I've never spoken to her as the need for mirrors was needed to reflect her bad energy later found to be negativity. One day I put my head out the door just after the postman knocked after hearing a noise & it was her instead, she never turned around to say hello. The feeling of her bad negativity without the protection of my mirrors was quite shocking!

Before that I was talking to one neighbour by the main door & another joined, a chat with 3 ensured. She was heard coming down the stairs. I'd never seen her face to face before & not any acknowledgement she was walking past 3 humans showed on her face, so we said nothing either! One neighbour has lived with her upstairs for 4 years, not a word!

One bizarre time I saw a woman by the main door bent over, not being the sort to take advantage, just walked past with my bin bag & said 'alright' just to note I was gone. On walking back from the main bins, said woman was staring at me & me looking straight at her, not a movement or anything, just staring. Walked on past as was going to the shops. It was her again, my strange neighbour.

But the day she came back after losing the job, her negative energy was so strong it was deeply affecting me as I tried to sleep, after going to bed early after getting up early. To stop her energy leaving me quite so uncomfortable, a large mirror was placed facing her flat.

Instantly the bad energy was gone & I managed to get back to sleep & laid in bed without her dark negativity pulling me down.

Shame she's like that, but it's clearly why she is as she is, deeply negative. Makes you wonder how a person can be like that, she has lots of family & facebook "friends" so a mystery she is

One reason many people will stare or look at someone and not speak is because they have a social anxiety problem. Try researching Aspergers syndrome. Also many people who are or have been abused will behave this way because they are been conditioned to say as little as possible to avoid trouble and they are terrified of other people. Maybe try looking at it from someone else's point of view. Have you ever considered maybe they even think you are scary or negative so this is why they do not acknowledge you?

that ANON reply itself is very negative & merely offers self doubt. Wrong forum! As one who doesn't particularly care for unqualified anon tabloid-style opinion like this, it should be clear one of us is a positive catalyst type person & the other isn't! No more replies will be posted, waste of time clearly.

Appears to be quite reliant on her sister especially & clearly watches me in a way like she's never noticed how a guy lives & copies things I do & says phrases I use as she likes them

There could be any mind issue, but the fact of the post is the deep negative energy I get & have had Feng Shui mirrors blocking it from me. Perhaps their effect has made me forget the need for them until the event noted above.

From matters that I'll not post she appears normal but is deeply shy & immature at her age & others appear a bit tired of her ways. A neediness is there as she reposts the same pictures on Facebook & gets friends to say how nice she looks within 2 minutes of the photo arriving as clearly set up. One guy was asked twice & he didn't like it so put a 'way-hey' type comment she found "rude".

Trying to understand odd people is why I do the Tarot & Runes too. She is a mystery one.

Autism is a spectrum disorder and Aspergers people are at the high end of functioning. They are just like anyone else save the social awkwardness, usually high IQ'ed and a few have motor control problems. The vast majority are able to drive a car and many especially the women are able to live alone. Used to help out at Autism society functions so I have experienced being around quite a lot of adults with Aspergers.

I do think its funny you call someone else strange acting when you talk extensively about Tarot, Runes and Feng Shui. You must not know most normal people do not do this.

Your negative comment about delving beyond the norm is perhaps to be expected. You have your book-read ideals & I have mine plucked from the ether. Your tone is oddly negative trying to keep me down, exactly the basis of this article!

We are probably all Autistic, Schizophrenic, Depersonalised, Insane & Deluded to a degree. How well we keep it under control divides those people noted as sane or not.

My neighbour I think perhaps is just very lonely, depressed, loses herself in alcohol & with some confidence no-one has ever bothered to bring out in her she could probably be alright. I'll do a Tarot reading shortly when in the mood to try.

I must say that you're ignorant when it comes to mental, physiological and psychological disorders. People like you (who spew out silly stuff like the stuff you're typing in regard to mental issues) are the reason why many people are so negative (and some even commit suicide). I'm not exactly sure if you are trying to provoke people or if you seriously believe what you type. Everybody is the way they are for a reason. Do not be ignorant - when it comes to the various mental states of people. I'm sure if you were truly a positive person you would not be here posting the stuff you're posting. You're spewing out a little bit of arrogance mixed with a little bit of reflective negativity, but subtly trying to disguise it as positivity with your choice of words.

Giving credit where credit is due, I will say that yes, it is true that we are all something to a degree. However, this does not mean you know what it's like for someone who is TRULY one of those things to a serious degree and you do not understand their circumstances and the type of things they've been through. Go do some research on the types of people you're judging and talking about.

And lastly, no one, at least from this page, is trying to keep you down, lol. These are simply words typed on a public page. If arranged font and text is keeping you down then you may have some issues just like the rest of the people who's issues you are downplaying and trying to disregard. When you are online, YOU are in complete control of what continues to affects you and doesn't affect you, so nothing outside of extreme verbal abuse typed online should *keep* you in any type of mood, regardless of how offensive or even ignorant it may be.

Notice that once I say everything I need to say and post this, I will be done and gone. Therefore, I will not be back to let myself be affected by whatever type of responses may follow, good or bad (and wont be clicking the notify me of new comments button either). I'm remaining in control of my mood and not allowing comments to affect me by repetitively coming back to check on them.

This is not being negative or positive. This is just me using my intelligence. It's up to the reader to decide how you wish to take what I'm saying.

Anyway, whether your life is going well or not, I wish you all the best and better things to come.
Enjoy your day, people.

Thanks very much for this article. At the risk of this sounding like a sob-story, I'd like to share my experience with others in the hope of contributing something to this discussion.

I've been in a serious relationship for over 3 years (we are living together), and I've recently come to the realisation that I have almost no energy left, which is strange for me as I have always been very optimistic, dynamic and a go-getter. I can only describe the feeling as being completely DRAINED. My boyfriend is constantly taking, taking, taking from me - he 'needs' my help to complete the most simple of tasks, he constantly 'needs' a push from me because life is 'so hard' for him, and uses emotional blackmail and manipulation to get what he wants. What's more, he is critical of me, my family and my tastes and ideas, and is generally negative about everything. He makes conversation by complaining or making hateful remarks about other people. It is extremely tiring, and not only uses up all my physical energy in all the effort I make for our relationship, but my mental and emotional energy too. His mother and sister are also very similar, although his mother has more of a 'poor me' vibe going on and his sister is extremely instrusive and controlling. It is definitely a family thing in this case!

I am getting out of this unhealthy relationship with my energy vampire - My wake-up call was realising that I've lost the happy-go-lucky person that I was before. What was surpising is that I couldn't see it until I really hit rock bottom - that is, total exhaustion - a mixture I think of my boyfriend being very charismatic and me being a sucker for a sob story.

However, I believe it's important for those who are dealing with negative and draining people that we don't adopt the 'victim' mentality. WE allowed these people to drain us and we can only be drained if WE accept it. If anything, this relationship has taught me to enforce my own boundaries, to stop letting other people take advantage of me, and to really be careful who I let into my life. I know deep down that it was me - and me only - that invited this situation into my life by allowing others to take advantage of me because for a very long time I have put others' needs before my own. If anyone else finds them attracting draining people by the busload (as I have), I feel that you should look at yourself first. They are attracted to you for a reason and that reason is probably that you are no doubt a very kind and understanding person who unfortunately LETS people use them and is too afraid of upsetting someone to put their OWN needs first(I'm certainly guilty of this).

I thought for a very long time that I could encourage my boyfriend to be more positive, upbeat and motivated. I tried talking to him about the situation and to lead by example. In the end, I've used up all my resources trying to encourage positive change, and it's my health and well-being that has suffered. Unfortunately, all can do now is cut myself off from my energy vampire. I intend to explain politely and honestly my reasons why (that I am drained from trying to lift him up, potivate and encourage him and being subject to such constant negativity), but to put myself first for a change and heal myself. He deserves honesty and I hope it will shock him into changing (for his own sake), but that, alas, is ultimately up to him.

After all you described you are being put through it surprised me that it sounds like you haven't even considered leaving this loser. At least he is your boyfriend and not husband. You should leave him before you end up pregnant with his children and end up trapped in a relationship with him. Not only will you have kids to care for but sounds like he can't do anything for himself. If you think you are unhappy now it could get worse if you let it. Don't let him drag down your self-esteem, which I suspect he has or you would have mentioned leaving, because there are men out there that are nicer and not so helpless and needy. Actually he sounds like a carbon copy of his mother because men don't typically get that dramatic discussing other's faults. That's what crabby old ladies do! Leave him and stop wasting your life away! People like that are mentally ill and there is nothing you can do to change him. People only change if they want to change themselves. You can do much better than him!

I read this article after googling 'drained by rude people'. I am definitely not a ball of sunshine, but it's usually in response to rude, inconsiderate people. When I'm home alone, I'm actually quite positive, or at least content. For example, today I left my house in a good mood. On the way to Trader Joe's, some creepy guy started hitting on me. I kept walking faster to get away from him. He then yelled, "Whatever, you're a f'n lesbian!" I said, ''You make me want to be a lesbian, loser", and then walked away really upset and disgusted. A minute later, I walked into a grocery store to buy some water. The cashier was so obnoxious. She was one of those miserable old ladies who hates everyone. I do not want to become this woman, but I'm afraid it's going to happen. I'm starting to really hate people at this point. I don't show it or vocalize it, but it's a hatred that is starting to grow everyday.

I am not one of those draining people who complain all of the time. In fact, I understand what this article is saying about staying away from people like this. I just don't understand how to be more positive. I have been screwed over by so many people that I pretty much just keep to myself. I have tried to 'think positive thoughts', but it all gets clouded out by the end of the day. By the time I get home, I feel so drained. I guess what I want to know is..how can a negative person become more positive?

I think my abusive upbringing played a part in how threatened I feel by the world. My mom used to say, "DON'T TRUST ANYONE." I wish I were stronger so that inconsiderate people wouldn't affect me. My internal dialogue is becoming so angry. At Trader Joe's, so many annoying/self-centered people kept walking right in front of me as I was looking at specific products. Not one 'excuse me' from anyone. In fact, I seemed to be the only one with a concept of personal space today. Some lady was having a very loud conversation with her boyfriend approximately 1 inch away from my face. No joke. I honestly wanted to punch her. I may be extremely negative, but at least I'm not a narcissistic moron. I try to not let things get to me, but it's so hard. How can a person who is negative rewire their brain? I know there are always going to be inconsiderate jerks in the world, so how can a cynic become more accepting of it? I'm trying to learn ways to desensitize myself to my outer environment.

I don't think all negative people were born that way. I think it took years to become like that. That being said, I think it's very unfair for negative people to whine about everything. If people do that, I tell them to see a therapist. No one needs that crap in their lives. I don't want to continue on this path of negativity, but I also don't want to become one of those 'fake' happy people who look like they are seething underneath. Is there a happy medium? I like what Allan said. "Is it worse to be blindly positive, when it leads to the denial of truth, or is it better to be realistically negative?" I ask myself this question a lot. Anyway, sorry to be so self-centered in this post, but I guess I need some advice if anyone's willing to listen. ???

In both professional and personal near-circles, removal of this personality type is actually critical for your mental and physical well being. I am living proof, as my health and outlook is much better these after taking this action.

It doesn't help that my depression twists my interactions with people so I interpret everything as a personal attack, but I know there are actually people actively avoiding me because I exhibit these traits. So what do I do?

When your parent is the negative needy one it is hard to let go of them and leave. I became my mother's emotional caregiver when I was in middle school. My father encouraged it since he couldn't deal with her negativity and neediness - he'd call me from my bedroom "come talk some sense into your mother". While today we know better than to ask a child to deal with adult problems, back in the 1960s when I was a child we didn't know those things. My mother was loving, supportive, and took care of me - got my sister and I to school on time, dressed us, fed us etc. but she was very very needy.
When my father died suddenly at the age of 69 all of my mother's caregiving fell on my shoulders. I became her husband, her secretary, her friend, her accountant, her sister, her mother, her bookkeeper. Every week she would come over to my house with a shopping bag of the mail she received so that I could go through it and pay bills for her. This shopping bag contained newsletters and marketing letters, basically junk mail that she insisted on saving for me to throw out - "I want you to look at it". She would call me at least 2 to 3 times a night after work and if I went out and forgot to tell her I'd come home to 10 messages on my machine. One time when I was out of patience and simply refused to return her calls she called the police hysterical that something had happened to me - that was her way of being the master manipulator.
I put up with this behavior for 20 years, with each year as she got older she became more needy and rightly so as older people lose their ability to be independent. At the age of 87 she was diagnosed with colon cancer, required surgery and went into a nursing home to recuperate where she still lives today. It wasn't until 4 years after she went into the home that I was able to get my energy back.
Caring for her all those years while working in a high-paying demanding job just robbed me of energy and my life. I became deeply depressed and could see no way out. To this day I'm not sure I would do things differently because the guilt of turning my back on my mother was too great I knew I couldn't enjoy my life if turning my back on her was the only way to be independent.
I don't know what advice to give the young man who is in a similar situation - to some degree you have to reach deep inside yourself and ask yourself if you could live with yourself if you abandoned your mother. If the answer is no then you have to keep helping her as I did. If you have extended family perhaps they can help and you can rotate being supportive to her. That didn't work with my extended family - no one wanted to be involved - they were just glad I was taking care of it.
I'm now 61 and ready to start living my life free from being encumbered. I gave up the middle years of my life to take care of my mother and now I'm trying to figure out what I want the rest of my life to look like. Most of my life's dreams weren't fulfilled because of the responsibility and exhaustion of caring for her but it is truly wonderful to have reached the stage of life where I don't have any stressors or worries. I wish I didn't feel so bad for having wasted so many years of my life helping someone else to live theirs - you can never get that time back.
If this is your struggle speak to friends, family, professionals and try to sort out a solution you can live with - my way didn't really work for me but abandoning a demanding, needy loved one isn't a happy solution either.

My energy vampire is attempting to fix MY problems, and if there isn't any, she creates them for me. Everything that I tell her (my mother) she manages to make out to be a sign of a psychological problem that she just has to get involved with. I would love to be the one fixing her problems for her, but she doesn't have any - if anyone suggests such thing, she bursts into tears for always being blamed for everything and attacked. Talking with her is impossible, and so is not talking because "I'm shutting her out". All my life I've tried to avoid her negativity, until I completely lost it some time ago and wrote her a long letter, the strong worded type and sent a copy to her brother, my brother, my father and his sister, just to get some backing... Didn't get much, but at least it made her think. Currently I'm still fuming anger, I feel like she stole 20 years of my adult life by being this controlling and meddling. I curse my patience and respect of my elders - no more.

I'm trying to break the cycle of being the one who props up, listens to, indulges, tries to fix, etc., the negative people in my life. I was raised in a dysfunctional home with a lot of co-dependency going on, and lo and behold, I was co-dependent and didn't realize it until very recently (I'm 47!). I have been seeing a therapist and it has helped SO MUCH. She's helped me see clearly, establish boundaries, and start over again when something happens and I backslide. These skills are not easy to learn, but they are life-savers, believe me! And they are POSSIBLE to learn, so have faith.
My current challenge is dealing with my elderly mother's neighbor. God, she's a pain in the ass. She sees herself as someone who is extremely decent, good-hearted, concerned, and so on. And I have appreciated her efforts to make sure my mother is safe (my mother has dementia and lives several hours away from me). However, having said that -- she is oblivious to boundaries, horribly nosy, so frantic with worry that I spend more time calming HER down and listening to HER problems and offering HER sympathy, that I'm an angry wreck every time I have to deal with her.
After reflecting on it for a while, I realized that what I am growing out of -- co-dependency -- is exactly what she is rooted in. And it's making me physically ill.
So, now I am polite, but curt. I no longer thank her profusely because she's a bottomless pit with her need for gratitude. I just say thank you and that's it. If she goes overboard with her efforts, and it's due to her own anxiety, then I don't thank her. I don't acknowledge her effort at all. Sounds harsh, and it feels harsh, but it is necessary.
I no longer ask her, or listen to, her tales of woe. I used to think it was reciprocal of me, but again, due to her manipulation, it gets twisted and corrupted into something unhealthy.
Anyway, I'm feeling my way through this. It's no fun, and I really hope it is resolved soon.
Good luck to all of you!