There’s nothing like finishing out the year on a post-repentance high! Time to confess my sins. My skill and proclivity for lying are my focus today. I’m sorry, Bishop, that I’m a lair. The gravest of my lies were told back when I was a true believer and follower and for that I am truly sorrowful.

Lying is a tricky thing. Is it a lie if you really believe it?

Most of my actions as a believer were sincere and I grant that the same is true for most believers. I believed when I said these things. But in confessing now, I am admitting that deep, deep down some part of me knew that I wasn’t being totally upfront. Something felt off even if I couldn’t articulate it at the time. I was following a pattern and a procedure handed to me by people I trusted. It’s only in looking back now that I can see that these were indeed untruths.

Here are some of the greatest lies I’ve told:

1. Saying, “I know XXX is true”

To be able to convince myself that saying this about any faith-based topic was honest I had to buy into the concept that feelings are an indicator of the truth. It’s an odd juxtaposition because I was told in so many other ways to distrust my feelings while at the same time being cajoled into basing some very important lifelong decisions on feelings. What I ended up with is merely believing what someone else told me about my feelings. Still, the word “know” as it’s used in Mormonism is the most dishonest thing ever said.

2. Claiming, “I’ve searched and studied other religions”

Of course I didn’t. What I usually meant was, “My parents or seminary teacher told me about other religious beliefs and why they’re wrong. My friends in other religion don’t seem as righteous or as happy as I am. Therefore, I’ve stood still, looked around and determined that what everyone else has told me is correct.” That was my research and study.

3. Agreeing, “Wickedness never was happiness”

This was commonly recited to convince myself that my current bland existence would reap greater rewards at some other time. “Wickedness” is anything Mormonism forbids, but it’s an entirely insular and narrow definition. It’s not based upon a large all-encompassing moral code that can be used as guidance in any situation.

Therefore, I ended up being an extremely “righteous” Mormon who was miserable but utterly convinced that I was happier than my neighbor who may have smoked, drank coffee or, god forbid, lived with his girlfriend.

4. Blindly repeating to myself, “I’m not gay as long as I don’t DO anything gay.”

Let’s face it, I knew it. Abstinence from sexual behaviors did nothing to make me feel less gay inside.

5. Denying to my then-wife right after coming out, “No, I’ve never been attracted to one your relatives or one of your friends’ husbands.”

I was telling the truth about the relatives. But some of her friends had some pretty hot husbands.

6. Parroting, “Tithing, the Word of Wisdom and Chastity are all MY choices. We’re not obligated in the church to do any of that. I’m not just blindly following”

I guess it all depends on how one defines an “obligation.” When Mormons say this, what they really are thinking is that you can be a Mormon and not actually behave like one. That would make you a Jack Mormon or a lazy active Mormon at best. But the truth is that you ARE obligated to do all those things if you want to be a participating Mormon. For example, merely not paying 10% of your income could land you outside looking in on your own daughter’s temple wedding. If that doesn’t make it an obligation, what does?

7. Claiming “I’m not trying to convert you.”

Missionary work clouds everything one does as a Mormon. But I actually said stuff like this as a missionary too. That was a blatant lie.

8. “I love the Book of Mormon. It has changed my life.”

The truth is that most Mormons barely make it past the first few chapters. I actually read a chapter nightly for several years. I now can’t articulate one good thing that came of that. Even back then I couldn’t have articulated what was so amazing and life-changing about it.

9. “We don’t believe in polygamy anymore”

What Mormons are thinking is, “We don’t PRACTICE polygamy anymore.” But that’s not the same thing. I knew it then and they know it now. As much as they’d like to distance themselves from their polygamist past, it’s still in the scriptures and practiced everyday in Mormons temples worldwide.

10 “There’s nothing weird or bizarre about the temple. We just don’t talk about it because it’s sacred.”

Sorry, there’s no way to spin special code names, passwords, handshakes, veiled faces, green aprons, bakers hats, death oaths (pre-1990), and party favor underwear into something reasonable. I thought it was weird the first time I went. I just became desensitized to it. Morphing it into something marvelous and wonderful in your brain is an exercise in self-deception. I used to teach temple preparation classes and so I used this lie a lot.

Time for some random confessions. I’m jonesing for that fix that can only come from a post-repentance high.

Dear Bishop:

Am I racist, Bishop? I’m really attracted to Caucasians with Asian-looking eyes, but to Asians with more rounded eyes. I also think this website is funny.

Talking on the telephone makes me nervous. I tend to over-share when I’m on the phone in an unconscious attempt to fill the uncomfortable pauses. Please help me overcome this weakness, Bishop.

I failed miserably as the tooth fairy this weekend. My 9 year old lost a tooth and I told her to put it under her pillow for the tooth fairly. Then, I just completely forgot about it…several days in a row and didn’t even realize it until she was already gone, back at her Mom’s. She’s the middle child, just like I was, and is probably used to this sort of neglect. I’m sure she also knows the facts of the tooth fairly but doesn’t want to admit it, because she wants her money. Now, she’s gone and I clearly can’t just call up and apologize. I don’t see any way to provide recompense for this sin.

I have a love of money. Isn’t that the root of all evil, Bishop? Some money really would make me happier right now. People who think it wouldn’t have never struggled. More money doesn’t always make one happy, but when the difference is between NO money and SOME money, it makes a ginormous difference.

I’m too judgmental of those with poor grammar. I just saw a TV commercial for a car touting the fact that it has “less doors.” I wouldn’t buy the car for that reason, and I’d certainly fire the ad agency if I were one of the automotive executives. Forgive me for being so critical, Bishop. I know I’m not always grammatically perfect either.

I liked the guy in the new Footloose movie, Kenny Wormald. He was as good or dare I say better than Kevin Bacon in the original. Is it a sin to diss Kevin Bacon?

Unlike every teacher always claimed, I think there really ARE stupid questions nowadays. Google it for crying out loud!

I hesitate to even say this one… It evokes gasps and contemptuous looks from others … But, I don’t love all things Disney. I could live happily if I never went to Disneyland again. I do have fun taking my kids there, but for me it’s ALL about my kids and seeing the pleasure that they get out of it. I derive minimal joy out of languishing in that stroller hell for a day or two. Forgive me Bishop, for I know this is almost as blasphemous as saying that I am an atheist.

She is supposedly roughing it in Thailand after the Earthquake and Tsunami. She looked to me like she was having lunch at Panera Bread.

A few weeks ago I had a one-armed weekend. I saw both 127 Hours and Soul Surfer but neither one made me any more of a believer. Soul Surfer just made me want to throw mud on Carrie Underwood. Forgive me for that, Bishop. They both made me grateful for my all my limbs : my arms, my legs and every other body part. 127 Hours made me additionally grateful that I’m not a rock climber.

As a gay man I’m ashamed to say I believe Glee jumped the shark when they released a major motion picture. And if all that isn’t enough evidence of shark jumping for you, remember: Gweneth Paltrow ….blech

What I suspected regarding sex, porn and masturbation (and previously posted here, here and here) has been confirmed in several respects by a recent study by Dr. Darrel W. Ray, director of The Institute for Performance Culture. Of course, nothing is ever conclusive in science and there will need to be much more research done to further understand the nuances in the study but here are their key findings:

Key findings:
1. Sex improves dramatically after leaving religion.
2. Sexual guilt has little staying power after leaving religion.
3. Those raised most religious show no difference from those raised least religious in their sexual behavior.
4. Those raised most religious experience far more guilt but have just as much sex.
5. Religious parents are far worse at educating their children on matters of sex.
6. Religious guilt differs in measurable amounts according to denomination.

Mormonism produces the most sex related guilt than any other religion. Former Mormons ranked 8.19 on a scale of 1-10. Here is the question they were asked:

“How would you rate what you were taught: How guilty you felt about sex and its implications on yourself?”

When you apply that to the key findings, you realize that Mormons don’t behave any differently than anyone else when it comes to sexuality. They just feel worse about it.

As a Mormon I always believed that people who leave the church are forever wracked with guilt and unhappiness, but are just never able to muster the courage and discipline required to live as good of a life as the Mormons. How ironic that the opposite is true. Those left behind are most likely wallowing in guilt and unhappiness with something so key to their nature, sexuality. I know the study doesn’t exactly say this. It implies it and I have only my experience to go by.

The researcher is pretty good at admitting weaknesses and areas that need further study, but if I try putting on my Mormon glasses (they are rose-colored) and try to imagine the rationale I’d come up with to refute these claims, here’s what I’d probably say to myself:

Dadsprimalscream, these people are “former Mormons” and atheists who participated in this study. They obviously never really had a testimony of the “fulness of the gospel” like I do and so these people are not like me or my Bishop or my Relief Society who are enduring to the end in righteousness and truth. People who leave the church are obviously the wicked and people who couldn’t hack it, so that’s why their behavior turns out to be exactly like that in the secular world. Those who follow the standards of the church don’t feel guilty and therefore they never leave it. Furthermore, he study was completed by atheists so they are clearly biased.

Except that… Those who leave religion, like myself, DID try it while they were in it and it didn’t work. Mormons follow the same pattern as other restrictive religions. There doesn’t appear to be anything “special” about it other than being better at guilt. And those who leave religion end up similar to folks who never had a religion. Guilt is conditional… on religion, not on behavior.

Also, the people who leave religion to seem to be the ones who tried hardest and who have invested those most time into soul-searching.

There are themes of intense searching, bible reading, efforts to conform and find thepromises of their religion, only to fail time and again. Ironically, the intense searching, bible reading and attempts to understand led many to recognize there were many thingsthey were not being told and much was hidden or poorly explained.

There’s a lot I want to say on this topic, but instead I am just going to paste below some quotes from the study and let others comment and draw their own conclusions.

The more sexually restrictive a religion is the more ituses guilt.

Conservative religions teach guilt and proscribe manybehaviors such as sex before marriage, masturbation, oral sex and sex outside ofmarriage, and use religious based approaches to sex education with emphasis onabstinence only, failing to teach about birth control, condom use and abortion.

Biology seems to trump religion despite the millions of dollars and hours devoted to teaching religious children how to behave within their religious restrictions. Other general studies ofsexuality show that 95% all adults have had premarital sex by the time they marryincluding, we believe, most ministers who tout abstinence only.

The religious kids were learning from sexualexperience more than the less religious!

Most religions preach incessantly against pornography, yet it is the religious children in this sample that used it more.

It appears that the things religions preach against most – sexual experimentation,pornography and the internet – are what religious kids may use the most, while failing to talk to their parents.

Non-religious kids seem to be following the religious proscriptionsbetter than the religious ones.

For the most religious, getting religion out of their lives seemed to make a huge difference in their sex life.

Those from the most guilt based religions would show the greatest drop in guilt and biggest increase in sexual satisfaction.

If porn is as bad as religionssay it is, they aren’t doing a very good job of keeping it out of the hands of children andadolescents, 20% or more of both groups said they were using porn by 12 years old. Forall the billboards and sermons against porn, there seems to be little return on the investment.

We were most interested in religion’s effect on porn use. If religion’s proscriptions are effective, we should see a clear difference between those who are most and least religious in the teen years when they are getting strong messages from their religion about sex. Looking only at men, we can see that there is very little difference between the groups. This suggests that the effect of religion is negligible for men.

The moral of this story, if you want a good sex life, don’t get involved with a highlyreligious person. Many in our sample seem to have taken that path. Of those that do havehighly religious spouses, the majority have sexual problems in the relationship.

The main benefit that people express is the ability to just enjoy sex without guilt. Over and over people said, they are much happier and fulfilled not only in their sex life,but in the rest of their life as well since leaving religion.

Guilt messages have remarkably littlemeasurable effect on actual behavior. As in other surveys, our results show that religionhas a slight effect in delaying the onset of sexual activity.

Religious parents are perceivedto be poorer at sex education compared to less religious parents, though neither are particularly good at it.

Religion simply ignores biology and creates psychological states that interfere with appropriate sexual expression and development. Teaching guilt and shame aroundthings that are perfectly natural. Religion impacts how people see their bodies andexpress their sexuality whether gay, lesbian or straight. Religions have nothing to say about our biology. They are in large measure clueless about hormones, brain development, attraction factors, body image formation and many other things.

If parents and schools spent as much time teaching kidsabout safe and enjoyable sex as they do teaching about safe driving, there would be fewer unwanted pregnancies, less disease, fewer abortions and far less guilt and shame that leadpeople to make poor decisions about partners and behavior.

Eliminate guiltand shame around sex, and religions have very little to work with.

Religions cannot claim that their ideas and principles actually impact behavior or make people happier.

We can also see that religion creates guilt and shame around the most basic sexual act, masturbation, but has no effect on its practice.

Condemning children for masturbating, telling them they will go to hell or suffer in this life for doing it, is child abuse pure and simple.

Religion uses sex for purposesof propagation not the happiness of its adherents.

There is ample evidence in this survey, that one of the best things one can do to improve your sex life is leave religion, especially if you were in a conservative religion.

We have seen that stigmas, shame and guilt do not work in preventing or stopping behavior, butthey do make people feel sexually miserable.

95% of Americans have sex before marriage. Your minister probably had sex beforemarriage but he tells you not to. Protect yourself, use a condom.

Adolescents and young adults are in a critical time trying to establish their sexual identity. Religion intentionally plays upon the doubts and fears of youth to infect them with medieval ideas of sexuality.

Anyone who is divorced with children knows exactly what I’m talking about. For those of you more fortunate among us who have never been tormented so, let me explain… Divorce Guilt doesn’t refer to feeling bad about what you may or may not have done during divorce proceedings. It doesn’t even mean to regret actually being divorced.

I certainly don’t.

I do hate ANY negative outcomes that the kids experience as a result of their parents being divorced. In my mind, Divorce Guilt refers to the instinctual impulse to minimize those residual negatives; it is also trying to counterbalance the negatives with positives. The trick is that there’s a fine line between that sort of cosmic sense of fairness and actually causing even more harm to the kids by overindulging them or leaving them without a firm, strong parent in their lives.

In my case, I’m certainly the more “laid-back” of the 2 parents, but I filled that role even while still married. I’d say that since the divorce my ex-wife has necessarily made great strides at being a much less frenetic parent than she ever would have as a married, stay-at-home mom. In fact, I’d say this is one of the most beneficial outcomes of the divorce and it’s something that only I can see. But she’s always been more “in your face” that I am.

Funny though, even at a young age the kids obeyed me more readily than their Mom. I don’t give 2nd chances or negotiate. Granted, the “freedom to make mistakes pendulum” swings wider in my case, but if a line is crossed, the trap door drops. Case closed.

I am also accused of being the fun Dad, but 3 things about that.

1) It’s primarily her move that set up the situation where I only have the kids 2 weekends a month and during the Summer. That means she has ALL the homework and chauffeuring during the school year. When we lived 2 miles or even 20 miles apart I shared that. With me they don’t have homework, friends’ houses, school or church activities to schedule around. There’s nothing left but fun. Am I supposed to intentionally NOT do fun things?

2) The kids don’t care which parent is doing what! When we first got divorced I felt like I needed equal time and opportunity to do everything with the kids until I realized that they don’t care a lot of the time. We’re raising kids, not competing for the “Most Present Parent” prize. I was and still am far more “present” in my kids’ lives than most married dads I know. It’s now the custody situation that dictates who does what when, and that schedule says I get them on most of their down times… and I’ve learned to really like it. Yet, if I take them to Disneyland and she works on their science project with them, the kids don’t put 5 stars in my column and only 2 in hers. All they care about is that got a good grade on their project and then they got to go to Disneyland.

3) Lastly fun experiences almost always set up great teaching moments. We have great intimate talks while camping or hiking. It’s also fun to watch them plan, prepare and anticipate fun times. They work together to clean, schedule and pack. “Fun” does not always mean responsibility-free or discipline-free.

I admit that my parenting style tries to provide fewer answers and more life experiences for my children. My ex-wife tends to hyper-Mormonize parenting, and I tend to hope the kids will develop a positive moral compass by being guided to helpful questions rather than by providing them with the “right” answers. I’m more inclined to mirror their questions with a question like, “What do YOU think?” rather than giving them an easy answer.

During my time we visit the library and we read. We watch movies I think they should see. We play together.

But it still sucks for the kids to have to travel 4 hours each way 2 weekends a month. They don’t get to see their friends during those weekends nor while they are here for the Summer. They have to shift gears with 2 separate sets of rules at 2 separate homes.

I just felt Divorce Guilt today and this is what it looks like. It is my baby girl’s birthday. We had already previously celebrated her birthday with presents and a cake over here, but today is the actual day and she’s with her mother. She actually gets 2 sets of presents, 2 cakes, 2 family parties… 2 birthdays essentially. Today, it took me until 4 pm to call and I felt guilty that it wasn’t the very first thing I did today. It’s irrational and she gave no hint that she thought I should have called earlier.

What Divorce Guilt does do to me is really make me second-guess myself even when I’ve arranged to put everything in the most positive of lights. One time I drove 4 hours each way one weekend just to go to a daddy-daughter event with my 9 year old at a church where I didn’t know anyone else and where I get dry heaves just driving by the building. I sat through a tortuous 20 minutes lesson on fatherhood by someone who probably barely remembers his 9 children’s names. I endured the communal singing of Happy Birthday to “The Prophet” who wasn’t even there. But I still felt bad that it wasn’t enough for this one daughter, the middle child, who can get lost in the shuffle.

Six months ago I posted my first confessional of all my terribly grave gay post-Mormon Dad sins. It seems about twice a year I have my own Spooky Mormon Hell Dream and I need to bow my head in shame for all the ways I don’t conform to societal norms. Yup, once again I’ve been Jonesing for that post-confessional high that can only come with confession.

So, here goes:

1. I sometime pee sitting down… In the middle of the night when I don’t want to stir my brain more than necessary over the act of aiming, I sit down. I keep my eyes closed, finish and return to bed and am back to dreaming again in minutes. If that makes me less of a man, then tough. In the daytime I pee like a regular man. I’m sorry Bishop for not using the gifts God gave me to their full potential.

2. My favorite word right now is “shart” and yes I’ve taught it to my kids. (See the movie Along Came Polly). We all laugh when the Sara Bareilles song Uncharted comes on. It sounds like she keeps saying “I sharted”. I know it’s childish Bishop.

3. I sometimes still pray even though I don’t believe in a God. It’s a habit that calms me and prepares me mentally and physically. I suppose it’s my meditation. I think I’ve been hardwired for that sort of thing and it doesn’t bother me at all that I’m talking to something that doesn’t exist. The procedure and results feel exactly the same as when I believed. I even use “thee” and “thou” LOL! Forgive my hypocrisy and blasphemy Bishop.

4. I let my kids sleep in bed with me. I know the conventional wisdom is that there’s something wrong with that, but I don’t care. They naturally choose not to at around the age of 10 or 11. Before that, they find it comforting and it doesn’t bother me in the least. For kids of divorced parents they are incredibly well-adjusted. I think this has helped.

5. I don’t hover over my kids like conventional wisdom tells me I should. I think the way parenting evolved into this idea that kids can’t walk home from school alone or they’ll be kidnapped and molested is damaging. It’s also statistically incorrect. Kids are more at danger in your car than walking home alone. I firmly believe my kids are better off now that their Mom works than if she were at home all the time. I’m sorry I don’t buy that the entire world is evil trying to get my kids.

6. I find gay Mormons who still believe and go to church baffling. They remind me of high school where the band geek tried to hang out and be accepted by the jocks on the football team. They don’t want you and you don’t fit in. Just because they let you be the waterboy doesn’t mean you’ve changed or achieved anything. Embrace your dorky band status…it’s cool…those band people actually grew up to be interesting adults. I’ve met more fascinating and accomplished gay men in the last 5 years than in the previous 20 attending priesthood meetings. Bishop, I’m sorry that my personal honesty trumps loyalty to the church.

7. I have an unhealthy love for my current colorful and varied collection of underwear. Some of you will get this right away. If you don’t, never mind. Bishop I apologize for not spending a millisecond missing my temple garments.

8. I sometimes default to the guilt-inducing martyr techniques of parenting that I grew up on. I’m sorry kids. As soon as, “It’s fine! I’m not going to force you to spend time with me” comes out of my mouth I regret it and I try to remember not to do it again. Bishop, I’ll let your religious legends be the only martyrs in my kids’ lives.

9. I have one or two “friends” I stalk on Facebook. You know, those people I’ve never actually met in person but through common interests or experiences one of us ended up “friending” the other. SO good looking and seemingly intelligent and witty … and straight. I’m sorry Bishop for lusting after my neighbor.

10. Guilty pleasure…I LOVE Bethenny Frankel. Smart, courageous, ambitious, funny, savvy. And speaking of lust, I could watch her husband Jason Hoppy all day… ahem. I’d be proud to have one of my daughters turn out like her. I’m sorry bishop for admiring a strong woman. I know I should value only her baby-making… but hey, she’s done that too…and all this other stuff. Imagine that!

Like this:

I wrote earlier about the shame and guilt I felt growing up in Mormonism. But there was a plus side to it too: Repentance! I don’t mean the actual process of repentance but the feeling that came afterward; I’m talking about that light, clean and pure feeling that anything wrong I had done was forgotten and fixed.

I miss that.

Don’t get me wrong, I much prefer not feeling the horrible weight of guilt and shame in the first place. I believe it’s much healthier to feel a constant higher level of self worth than to be left jonesing for that repentance fix occasionally after you are adequately beaten down spiritually.

I now see repentance as a fix to a “problem” that religion itself causes. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle (confess, ask forgiveness, feel awesome, don’t do it again, yearn for a repentance fix, and then slip up and do it, etc…). That’s the genius of the whole idea…that only if you are fortunate to get yourself out of the loop do you ever have any idea that it’s a cycle that feeds off itself. Quick fixes like that never solve the problem. And if it’s not really a problem in the first place, somehow the inner animal in us knows it and that keeps the cycle spinning.

But like a recovered heroine addict, I often pine for that post-confessional high. So, I’m going to confess my evil sins right here and now to you, Bishop. I’m going to leave out the petty Mormon sins I no longer recognize as evil such as drinking coffee, having a class of wine occasionally, wearing colorful underwear and stealing a lustful glance at a handsome man. Those are all things I now enjoy although they would have caused me great heartache as a Mormon. No, these are my honest to goodness sins, the fruits of my evil and salacious lifestyle:

I sometimes allow my children to drink more soda and candy than I normally would in the hours before they go back to their mother.

I lie and deceive when I take business trips to Utah. While attending business meetings and hosting trade-show booths there, I wear a wedding ring because it makes me appear more authoritative and trustworthy in that culture.

I often drive over the speed limit

I have more than once caught myself cussing with 4 letter words. It’s usually done pretty unconvincingly, but still the intent is there.

I have occasionally lied as to why I couldn’t answer the phone.

When I’m riding my bike down a hill and don’t want to lose my momentum I run stop signs if I can see both ways well enough.

When I had a boyfriend and I was shopping in a pretty redneck part of the state for my new car I told the salesperson we were cousins.

I don’t miss my ex in-laws. Not even in the slightest. And on the whole they’re not horrible people. I got along with them. I’m glad they are good to my kids, but when it dawned on me years ago that they were nasty rednecks deep, deep down I stopped liking them – long before my divorce.

I don’t recycle or bring my own shopping bags to the grocery store. I could. I don’t.

Something about old ladies irritates the hell out of me sometimes. I hate this about myself.