"Fuck you, Starbucks, you American pussies." That is what we imagine Canadian coffee and donut chain Tim Hortons to be anthropomorphically saying today, adding in an "Eh?" at the end in stereotypical sneering Canadian style. Are we going to sit around as some Canadian fucks have cups that hold a larger amount of coffee than ours do? Eh?

In a textbook example of a vicious coffee cup size war of attrition, Tim Hortons has resized all of its sizes upwards—its extra large will now hold 24 ounces of fey Canadian socialist coffee, four ounces more than Starbucks' extra large size. (Or whatever they call it. I mean, trenti, venti, denti? Can I have an extra large coffee please? I speak American, thanks. When did this happen, amirite? I am Jay Leno.) Let's just fold up Old Glory and toss it right into the trash can, America. We've been outsized in the outsizing department. When some Canadian sons of whores can fit a greater volume of unnecessary caffeine into a paper cup than we can, that's the day I walk up to Andrew Jackson's grave and let loose a disrespectful stream of piss on it. A puny, weak stream of piss at least four ounces less than a Canadian stream of piss. Sorry we failed you, Andy.