[Review] Twilight

I first heard about the Twilight about four months ago, when I saw an article about how people were lining up to buy Breaking Dawn. I didn't think about it much after until reading RPGnet. One thing I've noticed while browsing that forum is that there was pretty unanimous hatred of the series. I've also noticed that water is wet. The second was a lot harder to notice than the first.

The hatred seemed a bit weird. A supernatural romance between a girl and a vampire sounded like it could be pretty neat! It was a bestseller, so there must be something good to it! Why shouldn't I try it? So I decided to borrow the first book and read it, too see what the fuss was about. I mean, it can't be that bad.

Oh god I was wrong.

What I find really interesting is the show/tell split. Whenever Bella is not talking about or interacting with Edward, everything happens in 'tell' mode. I think up until around page 43 or so there's an average of one line of text per page. Everything else is summary. When it is talking about or interacting with Edward, the story slows to a crawl as it describes every exacting detail about it. They spend 25 pages lying in a field and talking. It's almost like Meyer threw in the non-Edward parts of the book so it doesn't come across as creepy stalkerish.

The other thing I find really interesting is how disturbing the book is. It's not just the writing that's bad, it's the characterization. Almost every character feels constructed to take place in the story, as if they have no lives beyond it. Even the minor attempts at giving people lives outside the story (Bella likes to read, her father watches baseball) fall flat. They're mostly told instead of shown, and only shown when vital to the plot.

Oh, and there are plot holes. Edward likes Bella so much because

she smells delicious. He then spends 200 pages angsting about how its so hard to not eat her. Halfway through that he tangentially mentions that vampires can choose not to smell. No wonder why he's still in high school.

And then there are the specific things...

Note that these are only narrative points. This is excluding they're rather creepy romantic interactions which make up about half the book.

Pages 1-13: "Hi, I'm Bella. I came to Washington from Arizona. I'm clumsy and useless and clumsy. Nobody will love me or become my friend!"

Page 16: First person falls in love with Bella.

Page 17: Bella gets a bunch of friends.

Pages 18-22: Bella describes the Cullens in exacting detail and listens to her friend's explanation. The first part about the Cullens is a fifth of what you read so far. I'm sure they're totally irrelevant.

Page 80: Bella privately tells her father she want go to Seattle next weekend. This is important.

Page 83: Edward apparently knows about the trip. Recall that she thought it up the night before, told it to her father, and then went to bed. We've either encountered a plot hole or a creepy stalker. (Hint: it's not the first.)

Page 93: After fifty pages of Edward explaining it to her in exacting detail, she finally realizes he might be dangerous to her. There might be hope for her yet! (ha ha)

Page 100: Yup, completely genre-blind.

Page 111: Meet Lauren. She hates Bella. She's also physically, mentally, and emotionally unattractive. These two things might be related.

Page 116: Oh, yeah: Bella is clumsy.

Pages 119-120: Meet Jacob. For this book at least, he's by far the coolest character. This is partially because he keeps some semblance of sanity over the course of the book, and partially because he has a hobby.

Page 121: Fifth person falls in love with Bella.

Page 126: Bella finally realizes Edward is a vampire. Of course, Jacob had to explain everything to her before she gets it.

Page 133: Wikipedia doesn't exist in the Twilight world.

Page 139: Bella is now hopelessly in love with Edward. Who could have seen this coming?

Pages 140-156: Nothing happens.

Page 162: Edward saves Bella's life. Again.

Pages 163-228: Four pages worth of actual information happen.

Page 229: OMG THEY LIEK THE SMAE MUSIC! THEYR MADE 4 EACH OTHR!!!!!!111one1uno

Page 245: Behold Rosalie, the only vampire in the family that doesn't like Bella. Of course, she's so wooden it feels like she only exists to not like Bella.

Page 263-264: Edward starts showing how freakin' awesome being a vampire is. They look like supermodels, can run like gazelles, and can uproot trees for fun. We also learn in other parts of the book that they're immortal, nearly immune to physical damage, and completely immune to sunlight. They don't even need to eat people; they can eat animals if they feel like it. Despite this, vampirism is somehow a cursed existence.

Page 267: And now we get to why Edward likes Bella so much: she smells nice.

Page 287: So Edward is 104 years old as of 2005, when the book was published. I'm not sure Bella falls under the "Half your age + 7" rule.

Page 291: One of Edward's 'sisters', Alice, doesn't know who made her. Meyer now has a choice: either give the reader hints and tidbits until its revealed over the course of the books, or infodump at the end of this book. You get no points for guessing which one it is.

Page 292: Edward admits he stalks Bella.

Page 292 (again): Bella likes it.

Page 293: Edward admits he watches Bella while she sleeps.

Page 294: Bella is mildly embarrassed.

Page 307: So apparently when you become a vampire, you get some sort of superhuman quality. Edward can read minds. Alice can see the future. Jasper can control emotions. Emmett has even more strength than most vampires. Rosalie... is stubborn. No wonder she hates Bella. I'd lash out at random people too if my superpower was stubbornness.

Page 319: They kiss. Bella faints. This is creepy.

Page 338: While talking about the family history, Edward mentions vampires don't need to breath.

That bears repeating. Vampires don't need to breath. Edward has to struggle with not eating Bella because she smells really, really delicious. Vampires don't need to breath. The entire dilemma of the book, and from what I hear is the series, can be solved with a nose plug.

Page 354: Like his son, Jacob's father is quickly establishing himself as one of the book's few sane men.

Page 362: Edward can apparently use seduction to modify Bella's memories. At this point it kinda switches from "horrific romance" to just "horror".

Pages 368-371: They have to play baseball during storms because they're so loud it sounds like thunder and stuff. I'm not sure Meyer is even trying anymore.

Page 378: They've met other vampires, and now one is planning on killing Bella. That makes three sane people.

Page 383: "Once he commits to the hunt, he's unshakable." Meyer would be a bit more respectable if the tracker successfully closed in on Bella, went "TAG!" and ran off.

Pages 392-395: Bella has to get the tracker away from her father by going to Arizona and making her father aware of it. Does she go "Hey dad, I'm going to be vacationing in Arizona to meet up with old friends?" Nope. It's all "You suck, this place sucks, and now I'll give you emotional scarring by insulting everything you love."

Pages 396-447: In a fit of cleverness completely uncharacteristic of the book, the tracker lures Bella away from the vampires by finding old videotapes of her mother and pretending he's kidnapped said mother. At this point you really want him to kill everyone, or at least escape into a better book.

Pages 447-448: "Before I kill you, here's an infodump about Alice."

Pages 452-457: At the last second, the good vampires come in and kill the evil vampire, in the process stealing a car and burning down a person's livelihood. Nobody seems to care. Nobody asks how they found the evil vampire in the first place. (I'm guessing fairy dust)

Pages 463: When Edward kisses Bella, her heart stops. Literally.

Pages 464-498: Nothing happens.

About the Author: "I've always admired the ability of some authors to create situations of impossible fantasy, and then add characters that are so deeply human that their perspectives make the situation believable. I hope Twilight offers readers the same experience." Did she even read the book?

I know I'm beating a dead horse, but this post has been immensely cathartic to me. Now I can finally move on to good books, books that don't suck your soul out through the nose and replace it with radioactive glitter. Books that have reasonable characters who you want to see live. Books that have a plot.

For someone who hates the book, you certainly took a great deal of time on this.

Twilight is... probably going to kill a lot of young girls. It romanticizes everything mothers are supposed to warn their daughters about in relationships. It is the worst, darkest, most dangerous parts of every girl's most romantic notions put up on a pedestal. It makes horrible abuse look absolutely irresistible, a dream come true instead of a swift way to get your heart shattered and life ruined. It teaches girls that they're supposed to take abuse and like it.

For someone who hates the book, you certainly took a great deal of time on this.

Twilight is... probably going to kill a lot of young girls. It romanticizes everything mothers are supposed to warn their daughters about in relationships. It is the worst, darkest, most dangerous parts of every girl's most romantic notions put up on a pedestal. It makes horrible abuse look absolutely irresistible, a dream come true instead of a swift way to get your heart shattered and life ruined. It teaches girls that they're supposed to take abuse and like it.

I first heard about the Twilight about four months ago, when I saw an article about how people were lining up to buy Breaking Dawn. I didn't think about it much after until reading RPGnet. One thing I've noticed while browsing that forum is that there was pretty unanimous hatred of the series. I've also noticed that water is wet. The second was a lot harder to notice than the first.

The hatred seemed a bit weird. A supernatural romance between a girl and a vampire sounded like it could be pretty neat! It was a bestseller, so there must be something good to it! Why shouldn't I try it? So I decided to borrow the first book and read it, too see what the fuss was about. I mean, it can't be that bad.

I remember having this thought. Then I read the book, and I can confidently say that it was worth every penny I paid for it.

I borrowed the book.

After a while I decided that what I'd read was so bad, it had potential, and then I wrote this:

Forks, Washington. Summer 2007.

Hoffman Institute agents are dispatched to the area to investigate animal mutilations that White Section Sasquatches had nothing to do with. The investigation eventually leads back to the town and the strange circumstance around it.

To make a long story short, there are two major players: Isabella Swan and "Edward".

Isabella Swan is the assumed name of Rita Weathers, a 26 year old latent psychic. While she doesn't control it directly, she has the power to alter the subconscious thoughts of large numbers of people. Her deep seated insecurities and neuroses, however affect the entire town by making them puppets in a live version of her fantasy world, where she is an eternally loved high-schooler. By the time the agents pay a visit to Forks, she's on the verge of discovering her psychic abilities, but can't control her major ability due to her insecurities. If attacked, she may display telekinetic abilities, but she mainly relies on Edward. If knocked unconscious, it turns out she's been projecting a Glamour effect; she's actually rather plain.

"Edward" is the assumed name of a Bering demon, one that feeds on the misery of others. A few years ago, he came to Forks while roaming through the Northwest and stumbled on Isabella Swan / Rita Weathers little puppet show. For something that feeds on agony and misery, this was a banquet. The townspeople of Forks, while going though the motions of Rita's fantasy, are still partially aware of their surroundings and are in constant despair; tears rolling down their faces, even as they smile at you. Edward's need to protect Rita stems from the occasional moments of clarity the townspeople have. One of the eternal students at the high school tried to run over "Isabella" in the parking lot, not by accident, but in an attempt to get Edward to kill him in revenge. Edward, of course, found that hilarious and let him live.

Edward's appearance and mannerisms are his approximations of her deepest fantasies. If researched, his appearance is based on a marble statue outside of a mental hospital in Arizona where Rita was interned five years ago. Edward's mannerisms are base attempts to reach the epitome of the 'dangerous' and 'novelty' columns of Ladder Theory. These attempts, however are shallow and unbelievable, the only reason it works on Isabella / Rita is because she's certifiably insane. The animal mutilations, as it turns out, are also parts of this act, to convince Isabella that Edward is indeed a "vampire", so she could keep the fantasy up and he'd have a meal ticket for at least the next half-century.

Like other Bering Demons, Edward is vulnerable to Arcane and Divine FX, Silver, and Holy Water.

One of these days, I should actually use all that. Or not. My worst fear is that if people actually liked the above scenario and Isabella and Edward are still alive afterwards, I'd have to mine the rest of the series for ideas and I don't want to read them.

I've heard this series is horrid, like the worst Vampire books imaginable.... My friends and I, years ago wrote a satire relay comic in high school, and it sickeningly resembled some of the characters and plot of the story with it's ridiculous descriptors and such. Why a strict mormon would write a vampire novel is beyond me....

I was told also that the lead character is very firm about no sex until after marriage but wants to desperately become a vampire..... Ironic to say the least.

My friend told me to download it for the laughs, as it is probably the biggest crapfest released recently :orcsnow: