So im 6 mths into D-day and in between the crying and anger stage. Had a trigger a few days back when i thought i saw the OW at a bus stop. Anyway i spoke about my trigger to my WH and he told me that he really believes his A saved us. Why? because even though his put me through hell he feels so in love with me, so close to me and so open with me. then he wanted me to agree with him. I couldn’t, so he spent the rest of the night trying to convince me. I cant fault him like ive said before he has done all ive asked to make us work and yes im so open on my feelings to him, but dont he realise i wouldnt wish what his done to me on anyone.Im so angry he thinks this way, that its taken him an A to realise how much i mean to him.

I hate that! This gets said pretty often, I think I have only seen it said by WS. Because it isn't good for the BS. I don't think it is ever good for the BS. WS just use this to further minimize the damage they have caused.

I think it frequently IS a better marriage for the WS. Because now the BS is tiptoeing around, doing the pick me dance-ever fearful of losing the WS.

I've also seen/read about this a lot- I think it might be better for the W because they usually have something wrong and because of all of the shit they create it gets addressed which makes them a happier person. For example- my Mrs would never have started going to counselling if she hadn't pissed off with some random dickheads- I obviously hope this ends up being the best thing for her BUT it doesn't make me feel better about the betrayal right now.

I doubt many Bs feel the same as Ws about this.

BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.

Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty

SisterMilkshake♀ 30024Member # 30024

Posted: 9:06 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013

I think I have only seen it said by WS.

I actually did see this stated by a BS in the Reconciliation forum. It caused a great debate that went on for pages and pages.

No, the affair wasn't good for you or the marriage. However, it can be the catalyst for change and improvement for the spouses and the marriage. This catalyst could have been accomplished in so many other ways that were less or not even painful for the BS.

Well you could offer to make your M EVEN BETTER. Tell your WH that you could cheat too. Then ask how great our relationship would be then.

I have heard this crap too. *o our marriage is stronger / better now because of the affair* WHAT A LOAD OF HORSE SHIT.

Yeh and drinking poison makes you healthier to.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007

changedforlife♀ 38474Member # 38474

Posted: 9:21 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013

This statement (and other forms of saying the same thing) makes me angry.

My WH said something along the same lines early after Dday, that maybe our relationship will improve because of the A. I quickly told him that if there are any improvements, it is in spite of the A - not because of it. There are no positives to having an A.

It was rock bottom for my W, and that made her commit to getting rid of her demons, and I'm happy for her.

OTOH, if she had never met ow (or a person like her), our M would most likely would have gone on very well, since had been going on very well. We gave each other a lot of love.

So W will come out of this a better and happier person, but the M is worse off, and I am, too.

In my case, I'm almost always mindful of all that she gave me for decades, so I'm willing to give her this, and I'll accept that her A will probably have a good result for her, but the A sure wasn't good for us.

Besides, she doesn't say it was good for us.

Tell you H I say: he didn't need the A to realize he loved you, and the A may have helped him, but not your M, and not you - and he should never forget that.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 70 (22 in my head), Married 45+, together since 1965, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I'm not an exemplar. I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 11260 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area

Tred♂ 34086Member # 34086

Posted: 9:24 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013

Well you could offer to make your M EVEN BETTER. Tell your WH that you could cheat too.

Brilliant. I realize it's sarcasm, but if my wife ever says that to me, I'm pulling this out. It's the work done after the A that makes the M better - but as already pointed out so many times, there are many, many ways to achieve the same result without having an affair. Period.

Well you could offer to make your M EVEN BETTER. Tell your WH that you could cheat too. Then ask how great our relationship would be then.

Shit, that's funny Razor.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaďs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3919 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts

melamber♀ 38591Member # 38591

Posted: 9:56 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013

most of what's been said was in my head screaming at him when he said it.he thinks when he tells me his so in love with me, so open with me and feels so close to me , it makes the pain ease but it just makes me feel worthless. like im nothing but an after thought once his conscience kicked in. Sometimes i wonder if he only feels this way because of guilt. Does he actually want me or deep down( if he knows it or not) hi confusing his feelings because of guilt.

He missed the point completely. It wasn't the A that made it better it was the work that happens after the A that makes the new M better if you get to that ponit.

I also liked Razor's response and think you shoudl ask him that question to prove the point that the A wasn't the catalyst for change it was the work after the A that caused the change. Otherwise as stated you could make your M that much more awesome by having multiple A's yourself.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 2000 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA

EmotionalFool♀ 37362Member # 37362

Posted: 10:19 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013

I am a WS. I hope its ok to respond here ..

I was processing something similar for last couple of weeks. I knew it was wrong and it was causing a huge internal conflict. I kept discussing it with BH again and again that I want to make this relationship work “at any cost”. The reason behind it was very subtle for me.

Why do I want to make my relationship work so badly? There are many other reasons but one that was causing the conflict and making me restless was: so that I could look back and say it wasn’t that bad after all.
This thought made me so guilty that I couldn’t move forward. After much concentrated efforts I realized the reason I felt this way I was trying to “undo” the damage. So if relationship works, that means I could “undo” it.

The devastation and hurt this has caused for my H is overwhelming. Well its not possible to undo it. It’s a hard pill to swallow but its not possible to undo the damage for my BH and my relationship this whole drama has caused. Doesn’t matter if I become best person on the earth. Our relationship is the best or we are closer than ever. There is no undoing of this shit

When I figured this out and processed it.. those obsessive thoughts and conflict reduced to a great extent. It looks like your H is in denial of the damage.

Thought of sharing as it might give you a different perspective.

WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012

TXBW68♀ 36456Member # 36456

Posted: 10:25 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013

Our marriage is better now. But it's not because of his affairs. It's because he is doing the work to be a healthy responsible authentic human being, like I was the whole time.

Unfortunately, IMO the WS sees everything as great after R because they've emerged from this darkness they were in for so long. The BS was always in the light - maybe didn't even have a clue about what was going on. Once the affair is unveiled, the BS is plunged into a darkness they didn't ask for and may never be able to get out of completely. We are forever changed and jaded. We may forgive but we will never forget.

There are SO many other ways to repair a marriage other than to cheat!

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX

PeaceLove187♀ 33559Member # 33559

Posted: 10:32 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013

He thinks the A was good for your marriage? Ask him if he would have willingly chosen all the pain of D-Day and R in order to reach the point you're at now. Would he have said yes to the A knowing all the crap it would cause? If he still says the A was good for your marriage then he is lacking in empathy for your pain.

BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 645 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest

StillGoing♂ 28571Member # 28571

Posted: 10:35 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013

Maybe a punch to the cock will make him realize him how much he loves not being punched in the cock and how much he takes that for granted.

"He didn't say "That's weird." He wouldn't have said "That's weird" if a flock of sheep had cycled past playing violins. It wasn't the sort of thing a responsible engineer said." - Good Omens

Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6872 | Registered: Jan 2011

needhelp123♂ 38109Member # 38109

Posted: 11:10 AM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013

I hope you don't mind a WS chiming in. The answer is absolutely not. The logic doesn't make sense. There are many ways someone can make changes in their marriage without completely devasting their family in the process. And its not just their family. The shock waves are endless. Nothing is worth the pain that it causes or the memories that are tainted as a result.

Me: 47 BS: Cheerless (not giving her age)
DDay 12/31/12
30 days of TT WRONG - try 17 months
2 great teenagers
I had a LTA - EA and then PA. Escalated in 2012.
Never Giving Up Hope
The secret of life is to "die before you die" - Eckhart Tolle