Are you feeling it too? The download. Cause that’s really what it is isn’t it? It’s a time to come face to face with the programs and belief systems that have been running the show. We have to slow everything down, become aware so that we may open up and create enough space to get a glimpse of the upgrades and when we’re ready- ignite the download. And how to know we’re ready? We just know don’t we. It’s a deep knowing. Like somewhere in that back of the mind there was always the vision of this day coming and we’ve been preparing for it for so long that there just ain’t no such thing as backing down. Not because it’s do or die but because it all just is. And it’s more about accepting rather than making it happen. I know, it’s exhausting me too. And if you’re reading this and you know what I’m talking about then congratulations. Not because it’s challenging and all that but congratulations on getting to this point. It is a milestone even though it may not look like much right now. As with most things, we don’t realise the grandeur of it until it has past. And this might just be one of those things. It is one of those things.

Now there’s a voice inside of you just like mine that says all these things. The interesting thing is it never stops yet we don’t always hear it. Why is that? Blockages. So here’s to facing the blockages to let the stream back in. The stream of consciousness. The flow of love. The voice of the soul. That shit never gets old. It’s always updated with the latest news. It doesn’t lie. It doesn’t know how to. If it sounds like a bunch of gibberish it’s most likely because we’re carrying around a lot of judgement, fear and other kinds of conditions from the past. And that’s all fine cause that’s really what we’re here for. To clear that. To heal. To uncover truth bit by bit. We can’t just blow all the covers all at once, that would be no fun would it. It’s like a good story. There needs to be a build up. Small subliminal messages along the path. Clues. Signs. You start guessing, assuming, doubting, then you know, then you know that you know. And so on. It’s really much like a game. Anyways it’s not a curse, contrary to common beliefs. It is in fact the way we have chosen it to be. And by “we” I really mean “I” as in the one consciousness, God, the beingness itself or whatever we choose to call it. Anyways why choose a name for it. All of our names, words and labels are just synonyms, reflections of IT as well as IT.

Right, what I’m saying is- clear the channel. Let the voice be heard. Listen to it. Notice if you drown it out and then allow that behaviour that causes it to be drowned out to be let go of. Replace it by more presence. Presence is everything. So as often as you can. Come back to yourself. Forget what that means in terms of the future, and allow it to be what it is right now. There’s no right or wrong. What you’re experiencing is valid. Don’t look for external validation. It will most definitely come to you as soon as you start validating yourself. Realising that you are one with source and that your messages are invaluable pieces of God that are worthy of your attention and love. Basically, YOU are worthy of your own attention and love. That being said, there is no rush. There is no need to panic. One deep breath is sometimes enough to come back. To be present again. So do that and see what happens. Let the present unfold and be happy about it. Don’t judge, don’t assume the consequences, don’t be afraid. But if you must fear and judge and all that, then be aware. Watch it happen and know it’s okay. Remember, the voice inside, the spirit, is unbreakable. It is the rest that will shatter and collapse upon itself. And while it does. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others and most of all love. Love yourself a little more with every breath. Try it. There’s absolutely nothing to loose. And so, so much to win.

Today is one of those days. A day you’ll remember for the rest of your life. You might as well be here to experience it. LOVE -A

These days are powerful indeed. The moon has been conspiring to make things happen for a while now and it’s all making itself felt. Yesterday I proclaimed myself ready, as ready as I’ll ever be. This is indeed a time to trust yourself in the ways you have dreamed to create the reality you perceive. I’ve always been a dreamer, and honestly, whoever says they’re not are just not fully aware of how they too are dreaming up their own world, however mundane it may seem. I saw a ladybug yesterday, and then today I saw a chipmunk. Understanding that the world communicates with itself in mysterious ways I decided to look up the symbolism of these two animals as totems. On this International Women’s day, at exactly 11.11 I read “If you see a ladybug and a chipmunk together,magic is in the air, you can be sure the universe is conspiring on your behalf in serendipitous ways”. And so, I remain a dreamer. I remain in love with myself, in full faith of what I myself as co-creator of my reality have destined for myself. I’ll make my wish explicit. I wish for my voice to be heard, to echo through this world with all the love that it holds. I wish to reveal myself as the soul that I am and share the happiness that I have found to be so persistent throughout all my endeavors and challenges on this mighty planet. I wish to indulge in the pleasures of creativity and inspire the world as it has inspired me. I wish to walk this path with full confident and peace, never doubting the importance and purity of my every move. I wish to sing with full force the songs that resonate in my soul and of those around me, dance freely to the music that is in me with all of those who wish to join, bleed ink into words as if there was no tomorrow for all who wish to read, speak loudly for all who wish to hear the stories that have molded my being, smile and laugh with innocence at everything that comes my way. I wish to shine the light that I am for everyone to see themselves in me, and for me to see myself in all. I wish for balanced companionship, harmony, simplicity and joy, for abundance of love, ascending evolution manifested in all. I wish to be me, beautiful, limitless and entirely free, to vibrate the language of bliss wherever I go, to ripple out all that I am with the pure intent of being touched right back by all that I am. This is my wish. I am grateful. I am love. I am me. I am free. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. -A

How do we know? Are we ever really ready? Or are we always as ready as we’ll ever be? I guess the right time is always the very time it happens. But is there a way to know? A way to predict? Or would things just be too easy then? I’m not certain. But something tells me it’s different this time. Something tells me I am ready. I don’t know what it is. But even though I’m afraid to really believe it this time around, I feel I have little choice. What else can I do, than to act according to what it feels like right now? I can remain passive, sure. But I’ll be unsettled. I’ll always have that voice in my head. But then again, I fear no matter what the choice is, the voice will remain. There will always be that ‘what if?’. But maybe not. Maybe this is what I’m learning to let go of. What if. What if? There’s no such thing. Present moment. Present moment. Always back to present moment. And now. In this moment, everything feels just right. Who am I to deny this? Who am I to look for the fault in the way things are? Who am I to doubt myself? Who am I to question the things I do for myself and the process I’ve dove into in this journey?

I’ve been pondering the difference between being moved by free will versus by the mere necessity of the situation and I think I’ve come to understand that there is little difference. If the circumstances call us to act in a certain way it is also based on some sort of choice whether conscious or not. Equally, even if we feel completely free in our choices, whatever we choose is always going to be the only thing we were truly capable of doing in that very moment. This is why we cannot be blamed for anything yet we are always responsible for everything. It is a gentle yet a tough truth that we deal with every second of our existence. Now, am I ready? Yes and no, no and yes. As ready as i choose, as ready as I’m destined. I’m always ready. Always ready. That is my truth. Over and out.

What happened? Life took an unexpected turn and suddenly it seems everything has changed, even I. More or less drastically and quite dramatically. How do I even begin to account for the past six months of my life? I don’t know. I know it’s been messy, and the amount of details that I’ve withheld from my dear ones is far greater than they can even imagine.

I have not killed anyone, neither have I killed myself. It seems I am still very much alive, heart beating, joints slightly aching and mind spiraling. Yes, for those whom have wondered, I am alive. And the truth is, as I seem to dance more and more intimately with death, I am starting to grasp more and more that there is no such thing. I’ve philosophized about the theoretically improbability of there being such an ending to something that is infinite in nature but I see that I must look closer if I am truly to understand the significance of my own theories and ideas. So from a traditional perspective of life, where death seems very much like the tragedy that eventually ends everything that is “I”, which is bound to happen to all, I have certainly come near this phenomena called death. Now what do I know about it? Still not much, because it seems it is a black hole that ceaselessly absorbs as well as it emanates light from which the lessons of what we call life are endless.

I realize I have only just begun venturing on what some perceive as the edge of our existence. Why the word perceive? Because existence, as I have understood it, has no edges, no boundaries, no limitations. And so, me- as an entity made of this very same boundless energy that constitutes the entire universe, am equally boundless. Again, this will make me seem like a daredevil, sometimes even crazy, because it does’t always follow the constricting ideas of societies rules on how we ought to live our lives. But see the idea that we must be controlled in our movement, restricted in our freedom, governed by another, is, I suggest, simply an expression of our own collective and individual fear of being fully responsible for the vessels we inhabit and the courses of actions we might take to create various series of consequences in the world. If we truly realized we are free in every sense of the word, it would imply that we can do anything. And that in itself leaves me rather speechless. What else do I really have to say? Personally, the thought of it does frighten me, as well as it excites me from the core for it resonates with a sense of truth that few things heard in any media nowadays.

I’ve asked myself why I’ve been unable to share my experiences more widely as I go, since I used to be able to do that. But this time has been different. I had to truly immerse myself, and be the experiences that I’ve had. It’d be different, if I turned to others to help me explain every other thing I go through. I had to just dive deep. Feel it all without understanding too much. I had to surrender to faith, which hasn’t always been easy. But this is certainly what I’m learning. Faith is a key to unlock many doors. Now that I feel I hold this key relatively safe in my hands, I am able to write again, and maybe eventually share this most powerful of experience.

I have a feeling that I am experimenting with freedom. As if I am running across the perceived borders of what reality is in order to push them farther and farther and eventually transcend the idea of them even existing. I feel as if I am sailing across what people tell me is a flat planet where my boat should be bound to tip across the edge at one point or another. But faith, is granting me the courage to keep on going. Because deep down I know very well I won’t fall off the surface of the earth. And so I keep going, with a strange feeling that I don’t really have a choice. Because the rationality of choice itself would render me to act completely different, yet I understand that these choices I make, spring from deeper or even more ascended place of myself. It is as if, the mind that I previously thought myself to be ruled by and that I honestly thought I ruled myself with, is being outplayed by a higher version of myself which has yet to be fully uncovered by this less advanced mind that I still use to navigate around in this world. Therefore, when I am asked to justify my actions- I struggle. For I deeply feel I am still in a state not too unlike limbo, where the conscious and the subconscious are not fully merged and the one is still trying to understand and shed light onto the other.

Also, I am beginning to understand more wholly that this is the whole point of things. The process of having these overlap and become one, is just what we call life. And my wild guess is that, once they are fully reunited, they will separate once again to see if there’s yet another different way to go about becoming one with the self again. That being said, I deeply feel this journey must not be judged but rather fully embraced. For what is the point if we never, at any point in this time space continuum, use our advanced ability to enjoy? If we never surrender to the journey we ourselves have set out to take? I believe it is crucial for our own benefit in this particular part of our existential ventures, to somehow surrender to what we are, where we are and everything else we experience as real in this present moment.

Now the ultimate challenge that I seem to be facing is the victim & persecutor ego, the game of blame and the feeling of powerlessness in the experiences that life entails. This very ingrained part of self is opposed to complete responsibility of “I” and highly afraid of accepting things as they are, internal as external (if there is even such separate realities that don’t end up being the other, as well as the reflection of the other). My experience is that this part of self has been neglected the light of love throughout a vast part of the history of the human being on this planet, and is desperately crying out to be heard, understood, accepted, embraced and healed in this particular moment and space, individually as well as collectively (again, if there is even such valid distinctions to be made in a world where everything is turning out to be one).

Anyways, the now is most definitely the gateway through which I believe all things can be turned upside down, a source of energy that we’ve escaped but from which we can access limitless amounts of transformative power to allow the things which weigh us down to become what helps us rise. Held in love, I have learned that all things change shape much faster than when resisted. Also, love, in my own perception, has turned out to be much, much more than what I previously thought. Though its definition seems to be broader and broader by the second, I feel there is something in its essence that will always let you know that it is indeed IT that is guiding us and flowing through us in the present moment. I have always believed that “I” am love, consequently that all that is, is love, and the mere knowing of this has allowed me to re-attune with the source of who I am in every challenging moment of life thus far.

I have this wise woman in me that keeps saying I hold the answers to all of my questions. But sometimes I just find it hard to beleive her. I mean She says I know but then She says no more. She just points right back at me as soon as I start looking elsewhere for guidance. But then I look at myself and I can’t seem to figure it out. I just don’t see it. Or maybe I’m not really looking. Maybe I’m actually, more or less unconsciously, looking away. Maybe as She points back at me I close my eyes. Maybe I’m slightly afraid to actually look and see. So what am I so afraid of? What am I resisting to see? They say it’s our light that scares us the most. But I really thought I had embraced my light. I thought I had realized how amazingly wonderful I am. But there is something more. There is definitely something more. Hmm. Light. Light and shine. These are maybe two different things. It’s one thing to be full of light, and another to shine. And I have failed to see how I shine. I don’t see it. Intellectually, I get it. But to wholeheartedly actually feel and see it… No I can’t say I do. But I’m understanding this now, with body, mind and soul, that maybe I do shine. Maybe I shine really really bright. Maybe my shine is extraordinary. Maybe it runs through my veins and radiates with every movement I make and every breath I take. And when I am still, maybe my skin even glows. And I have failed miserabla to see that. Maybe I don’t just shine. Maybe I glow. Maybe my shine is so effortless that I, in my very existence, am always glowing. Maybe the reason why I’ve closed my eyes is because I’ve been afraid to be blinded, to burn my eyes with the intensity of my own light, shine and glow. Maybe the completedness of my light has had me intimidated. But now I’m being told it isn’t dangerous. And that I should look. I have to. I must see or else there is no reason. All these people will reflect this glow right back and I won’t see it. I’ll look away everytime if I’m not prepared to see myself. I’ll run. I’ll avoid all human contact only to avoid seeing the beauty of my own light mirrored in the eyes of these people. But I can’t keep doing that. I don’t want to. I want to be able to look and I want to actually see. I want to see it in me and I want to show it to you. I want you to see it in me so you can see it in you too. I want to let go. I want to let go of resistance. So I let go. I let go and I embrace. I embrace light, shine and glow. I embrace pure divinity as my true nature. I embrace effortless beauty as the very essence of my being. I embrace myself, an angel of light, shining Goddess, ceaselessly glowing in the name of Love. -A

Forget everything you think you know about sex. There is no such thing. All these ideas you have, they will only limit you in the practice of what it really is. It is not at all what your mind makes it out to be. Your mind may know the basics of it, but don’t trust your mind to lead you through it or you will miss out completely. It is not something we can truly know anything about until we are right there in the very moment. Let’s call it intimacy. Let’s call it intimacy because intimacy does not entail all those preconceived ideas that you may have about sex. Sex is too loaded. Loaded with expectations and weight that will undo what sex is meant to do in the first place. It is meant to bring us closer together but done carelessly it only brings us further apart. Intimacy, on the other hand, seldom fails to bring us closer. Intimacy opens up doors that we may not even be aware of having kept so closed. Sex may burst open jammed doors but when done with too much force, that door is bound to go back shut harder again. We must be wise in our movements, just as we are with our words. If we want to enjoy the full range of pleasure that our bodies can offer then we must be ready to explore consciously and step out of our habitual patterns. We must be prepared to move and to be moved in ways never before imagined. Only this way will we feel the bliss that has been kept secret to us by the conditions of our minds. This way we will know sex, not as we expect it to be, but as it truly has the potential to be. This way we are innovators rather than mere reproducers. This way, humanity can evolve through the magnificence of its own vehicle, instead of violently abusing it. Let’s open our minds to the potential genius of our bodies and find the treasures we all hold within. -A

For a second now, imagine you could let go of everything that’s ever troubled you in the past and that the only attitude towards what has been and which now serves you is gratitude. Then imagine that there is absolutely nothing you need to worry about for the future and that the only thing your future depends upon is you being present here and now. Now notice the heavy giant load of things that just disappeared from your mind and understand how all that was making you blind to what you now perceive as you are being fully present in this specific moment. Notice how you are still alive and functioning though you are not chewing on the past as if it were non-disposable gum nor planning for the future as if your life depended on it. Notice that you’re still breathing, that your mind is clearing up and that your every little actions are becoming conscious and thus much more effective. Now see if you can discern the story that has conditioned you to escape this precious moment by trying to find false refuge in memories and expectations. Are you not very alive at the moment? What has led you to avoid this so much? And can you feel that whatever it is, it does not resonate with truth as you sit consciously in this now? Can you see that this moment is the source of all life and that this is where we need to be in order to survive harmoniously on this earth? Can you see?

Since I can remember, I have loved. I have loved deeply and without reason. But over and over, in this endless cycle of learning I have allowed fears to be imposed upon the way I love. And so love has been hurtful. People around me, in their effort to help me, have told me countless times to “forget about him”, “get over him” or “you’re too good for him anyways!” and so… I have listened to them and repeated those things to myself until I believed it too. And that’s how I came to live the most painful lie of all: to live as if I didn’t love, as if I didn’t love myself. Instead of seeing every rejection as a place in me that I needed to nurture with my own love, I mistakenly saw it as an unlovable dark spot forever deprived of light.

Until… it hurt too much too handle. Because, somewhere inside of me, I knew that regardless of the rejections, the conflicts or distances- it never meant the love wasn’t there. And neither did it mean that I wasn’t entitled to still love the way I felt I really did. This immense gift of loving through it all, was something I desperately began to protect myself from thinking IT was the cause of all my pain. Little did I know it was just that mindset that caused me to hurt the most…

The biggest mistake us humans do is to deem it wrong to love. The greatest pain we can inflict upon others and ourselves is done by holding back the love we have and are. It is so simple really. Everything that we are is energy in vibration and that energy is set in motion thanks to the gravitational pull we call love. Love creates motion, which causes emotion and in turn that is what stirs the process of evolution.

It is so simple really. And all this time, everything we’ve ever done wrong, has always been about undermining love. As soon as we forget about it, shut it out or restrict it in one way or another… things become complicated.

And it hurts. But that’s not always a bad thing, because we tend to learn a lot from the pain and the complicated as well. But at some point we must realize that what we are to truly learn isn’t all that complicated. It’s love. We are to learn about love. I’ve realized it over and over again but somehow I needed some more homework and made things complicated for myself anyways. And so, with every time I have fallen head over heals or simply felt a strong pull towards someone, the thing that has hurt me the most is that persistent thought of “I shouldn’t” or “I can’t”. That stubborn little thing we call fear that springs right from that (not always so) amazing ability to think critically.

Whenever we tell ourselves such things, we build a fort around our precious love and we become very lonely and thus more or less miserable. And then, everything becomes about defending those walls, keeping us busy, getting over it and blablabla. No. I will not settle for a life of distraction. I’m way too sensitive to survive such masochism anyways. For me, it’s beyond the point of choosing. If I am to continue living, I must also be free to love. And I mean love. Really love. I mean no boundaries, like love really is.

I can’t say I won’t do this or I won’t do that because love- the universal law that rules me- does not work that way. We have the ability to rationalize and rationalize but with this gift of the mind we can only go so far. It is only with the force of love that we may go beyond the limits that our rationality perceives. It is our lesson to learn to expand beyond the boundaries we have set up for ourselves. We must see the imprisonment of our emotions that is inhibiting us from being free individuals in a limitless united collectivity. Once we expand with love we will see there are no rules.

We may have needed moral codes and rational social control back when we hadn’t yet evolved so far in our ability to love, but now that we have- the next step must be to move beyond those codes and restraints. We can trust ourselves to be free if we live in accordance with love. Hurt and pain only derives from depriving ourselves of the right to be happy and free. Happiness is just another word to describe what happens when we let go of our fears, of our inhibitions. Happiness is when we choose to be free to exercise love. Isn’t that a human right? Isn’t that all that history seems to have taught us? That love conquers all? That we all have the right to love freely? No matter the circumstances? No matter what the mind fears might happen or deems inappropriate?

We must love and we must love freely. It is really about time we rid ourselves of our self-inflicted pain and constraints and about time we opened our hearts to the infinite amount of love that is accessible to us. About time we began to exercise that love without trying to control it. I once wrote, in a state of gut-wrenching heart ache over a secret crush, that love is like a wild horse, tormenting and terrifying when in captivity, but when it is freed, galloping majestically across a limitless open field… that is when it is truly home. And with lessons taught over and over, I have learned this one thing: the ultimate declaration of love to myself is to set myself free. And whatever thatmeans, I am ready to find out.