Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Why is life so hard here on earth?? If you don't have children you are unhappy...If you are Pregnant you feel miserable...if you have a screaming baby you are stressed...if they grow into toddlers and constantly ask WHY?? they seem to get on your nerves...If they get into grade school there are baseball games, scouts, football, soccer, after school activities...then they get into Jr high and High school and there is even more...school programs, drama clubs, High school troubles...friends that come and go and then it is wellllll you guessed it College...and the Money really begins...In the meantime you cry....Then before you know it they are out of the house and have moved and no longer come over....You sit alone and you are sad...you are just as sad as the poor lady that at the beginning that never had any children....If there true happiness in this life???My Mom would often say....You were were completely happy here on earth the you would not want to go to Heaven and you would not have anything to look forward to later on...

Monday, March 29, 2010

What is your most treasured item that you have ever made? This is really a hard one...really hard...I look around the house and I see the Afghan that reminds me when I had my hysterectomy...Nothing to do but crochet on my afghan...

I look on the Table and I see the Precious Moments Cross-Stitch box I made for Mom and how she just glowed when I gave it to her...

I look again and I see the little cross-stitch that I made for Me and Mike..and It celebrates our lovefor each other...

I look again and I see the small Easter basket out of Plastic Canvas and how Mom and Iwere both into it and shared patterns and Ideas...

And I see things that I have made and things that Mom made...I have a whole box full of Moms potholders that probably aren't worth anything to anyone but me...It reminds me of when we went to the Dentist together and all the workers gave her orders for potholders...Mom was so pleased that she was selling her stuff...They are all treasures and that I have made and that Mom has made and you ask me to name ONE???

Remembering how Mom and I crafted together ....That is what I like about crafts...It brings Mothers and Daughters together and it brings friends together and it brings women together...In love, in happiness and in sorrow...as long as we share our craft together

Plans are for Easter to go camping...(I think I have already told that one)but was talking to some other neighbors the other night and we were talking about the ones that were moving and they said "Are you going to be sad..." I said Yes and that we will need some place to go for Thanksgiving and Christmas and they said we could celebrate with them

They are Military and have two little ones...so that would be so cool...She said she could not cook.,..No problem there as hubby cooks the Turkey every year...So this Sunday we are going shopping after we all get out of Church...Things are looking up Just be glad you have family...but we can always find people who need people...We live in a housing addition with alot of Military families (they are Military) so I am sure that we can always find someone who is away from their family

Sunday, March 28, 2010

In Sunday school today one of the ladies brought out that we often face an Identity crisis...We are not cheerleaders any more, we are no longer students, or If we quite work we are no longer workers...Then who are we??That got me to thinking as I am facing that right now...I am not a caregiver anymore, I am not a daughter, and I am not a Mother and will never be agrandmother (a sadness that will never go away!!)So who am I???I think we think of ourselves humanly when we need to think in the Spiritual realm...We may not be whom we want to be however I have a child of God, We are a creation of God, we are made in the image of God...Is that enough??My husband and I were also talking on the way home...sadness began to flood my soul...we started talking about Mom and Dad...I was having guilt feelings on things I could have done differently with Dad...My husband said "Oh no your Mother would have never liked it..she would have been upset" and I said...If anyone ever happy?? You have little babies you are stressed, you have little children and you get stressed, You have teen-agers you get stressed, they grow up and leave you alone and you feel deserted, or if you never have children you are always sad and wished life would have been different...Are you ever happy???One thing my Mom did teach me is this...if we were Happy all the time here on earth we would not want to go to Heaven...so if we just remember who we are and where we came from and where we are going God can get us through all the sad times, all the Mothers Day, all the Fathers days...all the Easters and Holidays without the parents and family...after all what is worse then not having a family on Easter??? It would be to not be a part of Gods Family in Heaven...I am a Child of the King and I have a family...

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

This is a piece I stitched for a contest at the local Stitch shop...they sold the pattern and then you created the colors, embelishments etc...Surprisingly I won First place with it...I surprised everyone..I have a lot of fun doing it also and am working on the next contest..Oh yes and I won a $20 gift certificate...

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I have just learned lately through a family friend of mine that her Dad (who has Alzheimers) went to visit my Dad when he was in the hospital just before he went into the nursing home..

They began to hold hands"you know we are not getting any younger..we are up there in age""yes I know""Do you know what they are going to do to me??" My Dad saidThe other gentleman became worried...Was he going to have to have a surgery he may neversurvive? Was he terminal? What exactly was going on with his friend??

My Dad began to cry..as tears welled up from inside "they are going to place me in a nursing home..you know that is no place to live..""Well" his friend replied quite relieved that he was not going to die right away.."There are worsethings than that. At least you will still have your life.""Yes..I suppose you are right"

When I heard all this my heart began to ache once more for my Dad, for the nursing home was the last place I wanted him to be..I have found some things in life you just don't understand...I never understood why God never blessed us with Children, or why my Dad had to reside in the nursing home and die alone, Nor why I became a care-giver and had so much stress in my life and my marriage..That is why it is called TRUST because some things you will never know WHY!!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Tell us your (theory) on why you do crafts...For me Mom is responsible for it...first off when I was little I remember stitching those little projects..and when I started working I would have an ornament kit and work on it during Lunch or breaks..Once they had some sort of Afghan hook and did not have enough for everyone...so they drew names and mine was not drawn so I told Mom I wanted to learn how to make an Afghan and she started teaching me how to Crochet...she just loved it that I was learning...and so our adventure began..I remember when I was little going to TG&Y and buying those little loops for potholders...When I got older Mom became my shopping partner and we made many, many trips to Hobby Lobby in fact I would tease Mom and tell her that when she passed on she would be buried at Hobby Lobby so I would be sure and visit her every day..We shopped so much we even enjoyed grocery shopping together (Every other week for 30 yrs) some of the things Mom taught me is...You always need more than one project going at the same time,You always need a bag for each project,every woman has her nest...and her nest is by her chair...No one touches nest except her... and most of all Nothing comes between a woman and her crafts!!

Our neighbors whom we spent all the Holidays with are movingThat threw me into a slight depression a few weeks back however my "Girlfriends" helped get me through the little hurdle and assured me I was a Normal daughter missing her "mommy" LOLSo we are trying our best to adjust to life with only the two of us...I don't know too many couples like us who have no children nor relatives as ours won't contact us at all and I have tried to contact them but failed...I just recently bought a Pine Mtn SistersPillow to stitch and send to my sister for just a present!!So I have decided during this first year to NOT celebrate Holidays...For Easter we are going camping...No Ham dinner (Mom always liked Ham) I will take my favorite chocolate Easter eggs (cannot live without my chocolate) and my stitching and have a good week-end..I definately do not want to go to church in the crowd and see other families..On Mothers Day (My worse since we have no children) another camping trip...I always honored my Mom by taking her to church however she made sure everyone knew she was the Mother and I was the child and we had no children...(Gotta love those Sr Citizens)Plans are to crochet a potholder as my Mom taught me to crochet then give it to someone to whom looks like the need a hug along the road...My neighbor I stitched a Heinzeit and Placed it on a Pillow...I posted it to my blog..I gave it to her a few days agoFor My Moms BD (also In April) I stitched a lizzie Kate (at least I think It was Lizzie Kate or something similiar) BD cakepattern and placed it in an ornament Holder and put my Moms BD on it and plans are to send it to Moms BD twin (not her actual twin but a lady who has the same BD and Year) they sent cards to each other every year!!I am taking it one day at a time one Holiday at a time and in the meantime downsizing my self...I have wayyyy too much baking and cookware for just two people and plans are when we get 10-15 yrs down the road to move into Independent living ourselves (Hello No cooking nor cleaning!!)Right now we have our stuff and parents stuff etc and wayyy too much stuff...Have had two garage sales but am tired of garage sales so Goodwill will get a big blessing!!

Well we celebrated but NOT St Patricks DayWe went out to dinner for the last time with our neighbors across the street who are moving to Houston,TXWe are close to them emotionally and spent all our Holidays with them..so from now on itwill only be Hubby and I as we are definately not close to family..I stitched a Nurse Heinzeit for her and attached it to a Pillow...She just loved it..Alot of people are suggesting going to Nursing Homes for Holidays but right now I amSICK of nursing homes and we are taking it one day at a time one Holiday at a time..For Easter I told Hubby I just want to go camping (away from families) as that is also closeto Moms BD and I just want to go away with my chocolate Easter Eggs...with this crazy weather we may be camping in our living room but at least we can say we are camping...Oh yes I also stitched a BD pattern (small like the Lizzie Kates) for my Moms BD twin (not heractual twin but a lady who shared her BD same day same year) so I thought I would send it to herbecause I cannot think of Moms BD with thinking of her also they always exchanged cards..

This post is not to make you feel bad but to make you think...family can get on your nerves and is very upsetting from time to time...But you don't really appreciate family until you don't have family...

For the past Month or so I have come to the realization that we do not havefamily and I will do anything to get family again...

To have somewhere to go for Holidays, to have a meal with family...Oh yes I am married but God never blessed us with Children and our brothers andsisters are scattered all over...we are not close to any of them...So with all that said...If you are close to your Brothers and sisters give them a hug,if you still have your Mom and Dad take time to help them, if you have Children call them ortalk to them...enjoy your family and pray for us that we will have good Holidays..and somehowget reconnected with family..

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

My neighbor Pam is moving to Houston along with her husband, Matt and her daughter, Serenity...We will really miss them. We spent every Holiday together for the past few years and she helped me get ready when we had Moms funeral and likewise when she lost her baby I helped her during her loss...We are tied together emotionally, She is more than just a neighbor and you can see why I get depressed knowing they will be moving and it will just be Mike and I from now on during Holidays...

While On my recent shopping trip to Tulsa I Stitching a Pillow for Pam as a "Goodbye" present...I am going to give it go her tonight as we go out to dinner for our last meal together...the close on the house April 2...needless to say it will not be a good day for us...

Thursday, March 11, 2010

My Mom had Dementia and Alzheimers...I think she actually had this disease long before it was diagnosed just could not do anything as long as she could still be in charge of her own meds...Anyways After her passing I have been finding all kinds of Notes...Notes she wrote as reminders, notes on calendars...snowed today, rainy today, no one loves me, I am alone, Nita came over praise God for her etc She had problems with loneliness and depression (maybe some of that is hereditory as I am constantly fighting it) but I think God lets me find some notes just when I need to find them...After she passed I found a beautiful note Thanking me for caring for her and promising me that God would send someone to help me when I got her age (yes I told her I was worried about that since we never had children)..Just recently I had a bout of depression because of alot of life changing events...I went on a much needed girls week-end trip and they assured me it was normal and the first year was the hardest...we laughed and talked together...after we got home I found a note my Mom had written down a poem...I guess it helped her and now it was helping me...at the end of each stanze it said Keep Smiling...whether the toast burns..keep smiling...no matter what happens..keep smiling...Then yesterday I found a note my Mom had wrote...It said "my twins were born in 1951 I was 48 years old" I laughed so hard when I found that...Mom was 32 when she had me and my sister and her deceased twin is 3 yrs older then me...so Mom would have been 29...I remember she often would try arguing with me telling me she was in her 50's when she had me...but again you cannot argue with an alzheimers person so I would just laugh and let it go...I am saving all my notes that mean something to me so I can look back and be encouraged...I can look back and keep smiling and I can look back and have a big laugh...Thanks Mom for leaving a part of you with me and Thank God for letting me find them right when I need them..

Monday, March 8, 2010

Weekend started out in depression...Wanting to cry and wishing we did not have to have Holidaysspent the week-ends with my girl frends...Yes four of us...starting out getting stuck in an elevator (trying to find the 8th floor)we laughed so hard...We are all middle aged, depressed, menopausal women...They assured me I was quite Normal with all this since my Moms death has been so recent...We shopped, we laughed, we talked and we stitched all week-end and we wished we could stay there forever but I once learned there are Mountain tops and valleys and at some point in time you have to come off the Mountain top and into the valley...so we are back to reality...

I am back with only hubby and I and the dogs with no relatives and my friends are back to their children and their hubbies and grandbabies...but we always know that shopping, stitching and week-end girl friend trips are much cheaper than paying a Therapist!!!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

My job is very family orientedWhen My Dad passed they did the escourtwhen my Mom passedthey did the escourt and helped with Paul Barriers

When I want to cry there is always someone to talk toI had a talk with my supervisor todayShe said that I not only have suffered losses in my life but I have hadto completely change my lifestyle...caring for my Dad, then for my Mom (which lasted about8-10 yrs)

then my neighbors moving and having to change Holiday plans...heck no wonder I am depressed...She assured me I was a Normal human being and told meIf I ever want just a day off for "ME" just to take it...Now tell me how many jobs will tell you that??

I was talking to another co-worker earlier and I told her that when I had Mom and Dad caring for them both I cried, then I had only Mom and I cried, now I have neither one and I am still crying...LOL

You have to make your own happiness out of life and I will get through this year, and next year and many years to come...I will face other days where I am depressed but I also have a world full of support...

Our lesson last Sunday was titled alone...It was about Jesus feeling alone and how some people do not cope well with being alone...

I was also volunteered as what they called the "Sunshine Lady" for our class...Ever since then I have been soooo depressed...

I just want to sit and cry...It started back in Dec when Mom passed, then the dr found an aneurysm in my hubby and he just recently had surgery, then my job was going to furlough four days a month, and what got me over the edgeis last Friday our neighbors (the ones we celebrate all the Holidays with) are moving to Houston,Tx...so we are ALONE!!!No family no one to celebrate Holidays with except ourselves...I told hubby I was going through a midlife crisis and he said "I thought you already went through that" and I said "No it lasts until I am 80"

We are the 1% of the population that never was able to have children...so everywhere I go it is about family and children...in Sunday School and church is on parenthood and children, my friends talk about their children and grandchildren...Sometimes I want to crawl in a hole and hide...I want to understand why God never allowed us to have children after we tried so hard...I want to not feel sooo alone at times..

But I must realize this first year after the parents is the toughest. It is the adjustment period. Learning to live without them, Learning to live with just us and learning to live life...

The daily devotion at work yesterday was"Lord...Lead us in the direction you want us to walk rather in the direction we want to walk"Yep that was meant for me...It will get better...I MUST believe that...I must trust in God to help in every situation and I must realize that I am not alone...there are alot of other out there that do not have family or children also. (I just haven't met them yet...LOL)I will hang in there and pray for Happiness...

Welcome

I try to have a positive attitude no matter what happens and I enjoy life.. I enjoy my job and I enjoy meeting friends both old and new...

I have friends I grew up with and friends I cross-stitch with, friends I crochet with, friends I attend church with and friends I work with oh yes and My Weight Watcher friends and my camping friends...

as you can see I have many activities and am pretty well active and into alot of activities...

I have a three wheeled bicycle and I love riding my bike for exercize I have my Chihuahua "Babe" in the front with me and my Silky Terrier "Peanut" in the back basket...I have met alot of friends in my neighborhood this way..
I also walk the dogs (in good weather) we live in a nice neighborhood and I have alot of nice friends here too.

Most important I am a Christian and try to put God first in my life and am thankful that I grew up in church.