Advice for Young Persons

I am a regular guy who has experienced various life events. And as a regular guy who has experienced various life events, I will on occasion answer letters from my readers seeking advice about similar life events they may be encountering. In a regular way.

Dear Regular Guy,

I would like to drink thirteen beers and half a bottle of cheap tequila and then involve myself in a drag-racing competition with some ethnic teens who attend my high school. May I have your views on this matter? Yours sincerely,

Hung Over in 1st Period Chemistry

Dear Chemist,

Do not do this.

— A Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

Should I sever my own foot with a power tool in furtherance of an insurance fraud I have concocted? Yours truly,

Imminently Footless

Dear Foot,

No. You should not.

— A Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

How would it be if I was to become a five-dollar whore, trading sexual favors to neighborhood lowlifes and potential serial killers and then spending the money on Air Heads candy and suchlike? Respectfully,

I Like Nutter Butters

Dear Nut,

That would be terrible.

— A Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

What is the best kind of murder/suicide? With all of my love,

Sister’s Gotta Go

Dear Got,

I would say there is really no ‘best’ kind of murder/suicide.

— A Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

What would you think if I had a number of children out of wedlock with the guy who cleans the pumps at my local mini-mart? If it affects your decision one way or another, he is exactly twice my age. Best wishes,

Just Wondering

Dear Just,

I think that would be insane.

— A Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

What is this leaking out of my ear? Take care,

Sticky and Kind Of Sleepy

Dear Kind,

Nothing should be leaking out of your ear. Seek medical attention.

— A Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

Should I run out onto a nearby interstate highway naked, screaming, and wildly firing a pistol into the air? Awaiting your response,

Trailer Park

Dear Park,

Absolutely not.

— A Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

What are the proper circumstances under which a fellow should declare his romantic love for the six-year-old daughter of his neighbor? What if it were the five-year-old son of his dentist? Your humble correspondent,

Hopelessly In Love

Dear Less,

Under no circumstances should you do either of these things.

— A Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

What is the best part of one’s body to expose repeatedly to an open flame? Cordially,

Burning Sensation

Dear Sense,

Do not set any portion of your body on fire.

— A Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

If I am displeased with the quality of network television programming, would it be wise to take my TV and hurl it off of a freeway overpass, attempting to drive it through the windshield of an automobile passing below? It seems like it would. Yours in Christ,

Darn You ‘2 Broke Girls’

Dear Darn,

Such a course of action would do nothing to solve your problem.

— A Regular Guy

If you are having life events of a varied nature, and would like advice about them from a regular guy, please submit them in the comments section and I will address them as time permits. Advice is for entertainment purposes only and it would probably be fine if you just did the opposite of what I said. But who knows.

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In the Dog House

03/16/2012 at 11:45 PM

My neighbor found his cat murdered in the yard. Most people think it was some animal. It probably was, my dog. My beautiful and kind dog, my best friend, escaped from the yard that same day and returned a little bloody on the mouth. I suspect he may have done it, but am not sure. Do I tell my neighbor? Or should I let them think it was some other animal? (do you think I’m, I mean, my dog, is suspect?)

My mom is about to kick me out of the house. I listen to music too loud, which it is Leonard Skynard is supposed to be played loud, and also, I am often on the computer which costs lots of money says my mom. It’s not my job to make sure the house is adequately supplied with Hot Pockets and Tang! I told her I would get a job, but it’s tough out there. What should I do?

The cost of everything keeps going up! But i noticed single mothers get the red carpet rolled out for them at the food banks and homeless shelters. I really like Honey Nut Cheerios, but hate paying full price! Should I have some children out of wedlock and take my place on Easy Street?

I am a decent-looking young guy who recently moved to San Antonio from Des Moines after losing my job at the florist shop and having a terrible breakup with my girlfriend since high school. My 21st birthday is coming up, and, having no friends in this town, I’d like to celebrate at a lively bar I’ve passed near the trailer park where I rent, but I have no money to spare.

However, I do have a suitcase full of my ex-girlfriend’s clothes, makeup and jewelry, and three of her wigs. I’m thinking about disguising myself as a woman and going to the bar in hopes that the guys there will find me attractive and buy me drinks all night. Do you think this will work?

PS, the bar is not a gay bar, and I am totally not gay. Just broke and lonely. People won’t think I’m gay, will they?