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P&J Column 28.1.16

Local customs mak a haka tak a back-seat

View From the Midden- agricultural affairs with Jock Alexander

It his been a tralatitious wik in the village. Not only hiv we hid Burns night to celebrate in the traditional wye (wi’ neep bree liqueur, haggis flavoured aquavit, tattie vodka and a wee dram o’ whisky. A’ sweeled doon wi a big dram o’ whisky) but Setterday also saw the first waddin in the village o’ the new year. And fit an unusual waddin it wiz, wi the groom a complete and utter inabootcomer fae hine doon Sooth – the length o’ Sauchen, I think the vratch come fae – and neither the bride nor groom related to each ither in ony wye of a’.

Notwithstanding those grave irregularities, the nuptials wiz permitted to go ahead. And fit a spectacle it wis. You may have seen on the interwebs that a bride in New Zealand got a rare surprise fan the guests at her reception performed the traditional Maori war dance, the Haka. Weel, the Meikle Wartle wadding customs are a bittie like ‘at, but wi’ less duncing. In accordance wi’ ancient tradition, Skittery Wullie confronted the groom in an aggressive manner and roared abuse in his face files ceremonially daubing him wi’ sharn. And losh, if the loon didna respond by decking him wi’ the best right hook seen in the village since yon time the barman tried to tell Shaky Tam he’s a’ready hid ower muckle to drink! Well, we couldna mind if that wiz the traditional wye to respond to the challenge or nae, but hivin seen fit the loon wiz capable o’, naen o’ us wiz in the humour to argee. The ceremony wiz presided ower by Feel Moira, weering the traditional sheep-skull mask, and ab’dy present agreed she’d niver looked sae bonny.

Then, in accordance wi’ custom, the men-folk o’ the village retired to prepare the waddin feast. In the olden days, this involved slaughtering a lamb and slow-cooking it over a pit. Noo, it involves getting slaughtered in the pub and phoning oot for a lamb bhunna. We may love tradition, but niver let it be said that we in Meikle Wartle dinna move wi the times. Cheerio!

Tanya Soutar, local lifestyle guru

I dinna ken about yous, but I get pretty hacked off wi’ folk tellin me fit I can and canna dae. Last time I checked (which I’ve niver actually deen) I thought this wis a free country? But if ye listen tae headteachers and the National Lottery organisers ye’d be forgiven fer thinking that we wis in a dictatorship!

Kate Chisolm, fa’s the heidie at Skerne Park school in Darlington, has written tae parents asking them nae tae wear their pyjamas files they drop their kids aff at school. Fit a cheek! If my bairns’ school maks a similar suggestion then I’ll be gan in tae complain. In my jammies. Nae doot this headteacher disnae ken fit it’s like tae get 3 kids up, showered, dressed and breakfasted wi’ their school bags packed and ready tae leave at 8.30am. I’ve nae idea either, like, cos Tyler and Beyonce-Shanice are aul enough tae get ready themsels, and tae save time in the morning, I pit Kenzie tae bed in his school claes. These days my early morning routine consists of randomly shouting ‘teeth’ and ‘shoes’ files watching Lorraine Kelly. But I still think this attack on pyjamas is right coorse. They’re so comfy. I tell ye, if I wis a lady o’ leisure who didnae hae DWP interviews and the occasional court appearance tae dress up for, I’d niver tak them aff!

Which brings me tae the lottery. The ither wik a £66M jackpot was shared atween two tickets, and een o them, fit wis sold in Worcester, hisna been claimed. Now hunners o’ folk are comin out o’ the woodwork saying they’ve lost their ticket. All fun and games, you’d think, but Camelot is saying they’ll take legal action against anyone who’s pulling their leg. Which is a shame fer me, because I didnae hear the news right and called them up saying it was my ticket but I’d spilled Worcester sauce a’ ower it.