Inventing the news so you don’t have to

‘New blue passport will make Britain great again’ says Farage

There has been widespread rejoicing by narrow-minded xenophobes across the country ever since the announcement earlier this year that Britain is to change the colour of its passports from burgundy back to blue after Brexit is completed.

Retired Lieutenant Colonel Percival Wilkes-Massington said: ‘Hurrah! This brings a tear to my eye I can tell you. Because once Johnny Foreigner sees us entering his country bearing our iconic blue passports then he certainly won’t dare single us out in the queue, don surgical gloves and start probing our scrupulously clean anal cavities searching for illegal substances.’

‘It’s only these burgundy passport-toting Bongo-Bongolanders who’d be liable to get up to that sort of carry on anyway, and I’m glad we’re no longer to be tarred with that brush.’

Speaking on his LBC radio show, Nigel Farage commented: ‘Blue passports will remind everyone abroad that we once had a great Empire upon which the sun never set and that certainly wasn’t in any way imperialistic.’

‘But more crucially it sends a signal that we are the greatest nation on earth. I fully expect that Britons queuing at border crossings will become a thing of the past post-Brexit, and that upon presentation of our splendid new blue passports we will just simply be waved through without let or hindrance and with no questions asked. No doubt about that in my mind whatsoever.’