Presidential Debate Preview: Exclusive The Hills Metaphor!

Debate day! As mandated by our Constitution, every Web site has published a list of things to watch for tonight. Per the 16th Amendment, certain sites are permitted, in lieu of lists, to produce listicles, charticles, bingo boards, or drinking games.

The topic of tonight’s rhetorical battle royale: domestic policy. What’s going to be the big story? It’s the economy, informed reader. The site of the action: the University of Denver. The start time: nine p.m. What about Romney’s “zingers”? Are they still invited tonight? A campaign aide told The New York Times that the former governor will “respectfully aggressive,” which suggests a level of smugness not quite at the level of “zinger.”

But Romney has the advantage of having just weathered a fierce primary. On that subject, Politico adds this impenetrable bit of analysis: “In the jock parlance that permeates Obamaworld, the president faces a dilemma not unlike the one confronted by Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, who struggled in his first few games after sitting out a year with an injury. His performance probably can’t match the superstar expectations.”

So . . . this is like when MTV gave Whitney Port her own television show (The City) after appearing in Lauren Conrad’s show (The Hills) as a basically beloved bit player. In the lag time between Port’s departure from The Hills and the premiere of *The City,*she probably got a little rusty feigning interest in other people’s relationship issues. Everyone thought, “There’s no way Whitney is going to be able to widen her eyes in a way that connotes empathy as well as she did on The Hills.” And do you know what ended up happening? Whitney’s boyfriend’s roommate Adam cheated on his girlfriend Allie with this girl Cat whom he met at this club, but Cat ended up being best friends with Whitney’s friend Sammi, and when Cat texted Sammi that she and Adam made out, Whitney went to her boyfriend Jay, Adam’s roommate, and widened her eyes like an absolute pro.