The Cinderella Complex

On many occasions I have wanted to write an article for this blog. Sometimes I start and in the middle of it, I stop. Other times I am unable to start anything, and some other times I actually finish. I have had various things to put down which I eventually burned (maybe as a result of things I would rather not delve into YET). I am still trying to find my path one step at a time because I have realized that the best way to let go of memories is to either talk to someone about it or write it down somewhere.

I have been an avid reader of this blog since it was introduced on WordPress, and I must confess that Pink Panther is one determined person; the world he has created here is a place where anyone and everyone can feel comfortable and air opinions. I used to know him personally, though we never had the opportunity of meeting one-on-one, but to an extent, I consider him a dear friend. He asked me on several occasions to write an article and submit, but I just couldn’t at that time. (This I will in time clear up with him)

I am a psychology major and I have recently come across something that has helped me understand well the journey I have been on the past few years. It is called THE CINDERELLA COMPLEX by Colette Dowling. This theory focuses mostly on the concept of women’s emotional, financial and a wide range of dependency on men, and to an extent, I can relate to this.

Let’s forget the gender thing here and focus on the truth that we all or some of us know. I’m sorry if I am about to get stereotypical, but this problem is common with Bottoms in the gay community; it doesn’t mean Tops don’t suffer it too. Basically because at one point or the other, one might have gone through series of trying times in failed relationships, whether sexual or not, only to come out feeling the need or want to be pampered and all (Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be pampered or treated like you mean the word to someone). Attention from a loved one makes you feel special, gives you a sense of completeness. You are always seeking for approval to give you a sense of self-worth. Some of my friends would always say, ‘Why not generate it internally?’ (Sounds easy, but it’s not). A lot of people in the gayborhood experience this; it’s a feeling that doesn’t easily go away. It sits there and eats you deep slowly.

I won’t try to make up excuses knowing that I am guilty of this. I have had my fair share of powerlessness in relationships, I have dated quite a number of guys and they had it all, but there always seemed to be something missing. At the onset of the relationship, they always seemed to say the right things, call at the right time, give the best attention (I would love to call this the honeymoon phase). And then, suddenly they would start to act strange or slowly start to reduce their attention with excuses that work and all had them choked. But let me ask a question: Were you not working when you were chasing after him?

Let’s be real, if you are reading this and you feel like you don’t need anyone, then I am sorry to burst your bubble. Everyone needs someone. You only think that because you haven’t found that person who would tear through your reservations and come right into you as though they own all of you (no pun intended there). No matter the sexuality you identify with, one thing is sure, the hunger for affection, care and attention is real. No matter how strong a person you are or how satisfied you are with yourself and your achievements at a point, there will always be room for a better half, a hollowness sitting in your heart, waiting to be filled.

I am not afraid to seek attention from someone I care about. If I feel it, I say it. And if I miss it, I demand it. And if it’s too much to ask, then begs the question, what we are doing.

It wouldn’t hurt to be emotionally dependent on yourself. To those who have attained this, I say kudos to you. To those of you who are still finding their way, keep pushing. And to those who don’t even want to think of the possibilities of letting go of their Cinderella complexities, I say more grease to ya elbow. Just know one thing, if someone isn’t treating you right, you shouldn’t have to put up with it, because life is way too short to remain in that which does not make you happy.

Originally published on gaystarnews.com We all know plenty of intelligent, informed heteros who would never fall for what you’re about to read. But then again, we all know many who would. The following myths are all based

67 Comments

We all need somebody. It’s true. But there are hardly ever any “bodies” that are worth it, even if they seem so at first. That’s why it’s important to get used to your own company and depend on yourself alone.

Lmao ??? @TDC.. That’s one of the things I like about me; The ability to fool people.. I look like one thing outside and an entirely different thing inside.
You don’t know me TDC & trust me, you really don’t want to.☺☺

I do know you,dear Maxine.In all your incarnations.
Takes only a small push and those defenses of yours come tumbling down,baring you to all.
You’re soft,vulnerable.
All your bitchiness and whatnots,just acts.

Don’t kid yourself, we r all black people (at least that’s what the whites named us). Maybe my eyes are deceiving me but we r more brown than black. Now the issues here is about people who are very very very dark. People like Djimon hounsou, Lupita, Viola etc. I shared the same observation with chizzie about Viola “looking” dirty on the red carpet. Its almost as if she puts on Vaseline before coming out, which makes her dark skin glow even more. It gives it an effect of being sweaty & dirty. That was the observation.
Now our dear fairy godmother who knoweth no sin nor prejudice and her faithful minion came after me. You can read yesterday’s post to see more of it.

Ok I’m abit lost, you mentioned how the Cinderella complex was about women being financially and emotionally dependant on men, right? And then you said bottoms( record scratch) mostly fall under this category. You weren’t explicit on which exactly, financial dependency on emotional.

I’m curious as to what institution you are attending because I do not see how you can be a psychology major and commit the ultimate fallacy of hastily generalizing all bottoms. Human beings… have the tendency to be dependent, its pure human nature to have to rely on someone else . It varies between people and its dependant on a bunch of factors , upbringing, environment amongst others. Its not a predominant factor in one subgroup of people. I’m bottom and I do not consider myself financially dependent, and neither am I overly emotionally dependent to penis. You don’t need a psychology major to decipher some things

Maybe next time, express your points more explicitly and pay more attention in class

Well said, Chizzie. Did this guy critically assess the arguments in the book he read? He’s making several leaps here, and hasn’t even explained how a gay man is similar to a woman or why it affects bottoms.

This article was a nice try but I don’t think I was able to grasp too much from it. It felt like firing a lot of arrows but not quite hitting the mark. I admire the effort but could be much better. No T, no shade. Just stating what I think.

I’d probably have to Google out the cinderella complex thing to better understand.

@Chizzie its obvious I struck a cord and for that I am sorry. U don’t need to throw shades. The rudeness is totally uncalled for. I have taken ur point and that’s all that actually matters here. Maybe the article is a bit everywhere buh if u read well (u seem educated so….) neways, as u pointed out its natural for human beings to be dependent on another. It’s our instinct as human beings to seek comfort when in emotional distress and that’s totally OK. Buh u see the thing here is I actually said ” sorry if I am about to get stereotypical” obviously u didn’t read that because maybe u were too quick to defend and point out your already found “independence”. This is new to me, Obviously the first thing I have written and has been put up here. I love criticism buh not when it’s malicious. I do hope we can get along

But as for the dwindling affection, I think thats normal in every relationship. Attraction may dwindle, but its the love, or lack thereof (e.g mutual assured destruction) that keep two people together!

The complex is named after the
fairy tale character Cinderella . It
is based on the idea of
femininity portrayed in that
story, where a woman is
beautiful, graceful, polite,
supportive, hardworking,
independent, and maligned by
the females of her society, but
she is not capable of changing
her situations with her own
actions and must be helped by
an outside force, usually a male
(i.e. the Prince ).

Life is too short to remain in that which you are not happy with!! That phrase leapt out@me and clutched on tightly! In so many things I do in life,this is my guiding motto… I know all too well how short life can be…. Nice piece X,please keep them coming!!!

@X, congratulations on your debut. It was good for a first post on here. It may have read like a term paper, but it was good.??????????

Some advice if I may: NEVER apologise for “stricking a cord”. You took the time to research and write this, so stand by it. People (as you have demonstrated) will take what they want from the post and do what they will with it.?

@JustJames, “….it felt like firing a lot of arrows”
Wow!! How quickly we forget…In the beginning your weekly Sunday posts were put down as “Sunday ramblings”. We have come a long way haven’t we??

Trust me i have not forgotten and it’s the reason I commented. If people didn’t point out that I was not doing a good enough job I wouldn’t have improved. And FYI I was going to state that this sounded like me when I started (albeit much better than my initial attempts) but this isn’t about me.

I stood up for you when Chizzie and others came for you, because I liked your style.
If I am being honest, I liked your “rambling” style, it wasn’t to everyone’s taste but it was different, quirky, non-conformist and carefree. It was YOU!!

The fact that you did not get the message he was sending out, is not due to him. From the comments, it would appear everyone else got the message.

You say your criticism was constructive, but I am afraid it didn’t read that way. Like Mandy said, it was a tad supercilious and contrary to what you claim, shady. (And trust me, I know shade)

You don’t have to apologize for saying your mind @James. People like Keredim and Mandy exist only to undermine other people’s comment and try to bully them into their annoying political correctness.
Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out!
If they come after you, I’ll be right here.

I was talking about Viola, not one of KD commenters. Totally unrelated. It seems to be a skill of yours lately, mixing mutually exclusive events/situations just to suit your cause at a particular time.

It’s funny how you’re calling me a bully for calling out bullshit when I see it, whereas you’ve perfected the art of just generally being a bully with several chips on your shoulder. If it’s not the hoes today, it’s the fat guys. And lately, it’s the dark people.
My dear Maxine, remove those sunglasses you’re wearing, then pick out the wood from your eyes before coming for the lint in mine.

I’m now bullying black people? ????. You should really hear yourself, you sound ridiculous.
And please answer me truthfully, would you like to date a hoe, or spend the rest of your life with one?
Answer the same question about a fat person and you’ll see you’re not far off from the same perspective as me. The only difference is that you shut up about it while I talk about it.
Stop trying to sound all politically correct all the time, its nauseating, its sickening and makes you look unbearably naive.

A lot of people don’t like white folks here, they think their skin is too white. They’re generally put off by them & don’t find them attractive. I’ve seen it written here severally by alot of people and no one was called out for white-shaming. See the thing about we blacks and gay people is that we constantly seek for people to burn based on what they said, now it doesn’t matter what the intent was, the only thing that matters is that they said it..at least to us.
Stop the bullshit!! Mandy!! And you too TDC.. This wing you’re hovering on is made of plastic.. Remember what happened to Icarus..

Just drop the bitch act,it doesn’t suit you.
You can well couch your words that what you say don’t come out offensive and your intent not mistaken.
Again,wouldn’t hurt you to shift ground at times rather than hold on to an untenable position.

You do realize saying I’m sorry,even when you’re in the right,takes nothing away from you.Rather it adds to your consequence.
I’ve done it several times,so I know.
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Don’t win a battle and lose the war,that does not a commander make.
Just read thru yesterday’s fluff piece,I think you owe Pink panther and Mandy apologies.But what do I know,I’m not Mother nor your conscience.

Hehehehe.
Nkem,at his bitchiest,say so too.
I don’t let him get away with anything,nor would I you.
You did cross some line tho,from what I read,but we’ll put it down to heat of the moment.
Go make up with your paddies jor.

Nice article. It raised so many interesting points. Emotional dependence is a normal thing to find in relationships. Many times its excessive and wears the other person out.
When in a relationship, one should have attention. But the question is, how much is enough? Demanding too much of anything can kill a relationship. But the idea of “too much” varies from person to person. This is precisely why effective communication is most crucial in relationship. Easy it is to drop your pants or make demands. But very hard to communicate effectively.

i wonder why people just cant appreciate things like normal people do. even if it does go well with u, u pass ur message sensibly…Chizzie am talking to u. sometimes there’s a point in what u say buh u just use a bad attitude laced with drama and kill it. you dont have a “bitch-status” to live up to here. …its really getting old.