What is life like for a 30 year old virgin Mormon living in today's society? There is so much to share about my culture, my religion, and what it means to be an anxious white virgin.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

That Glass Is Full of Something

I'm sure by now, many of you have seen this oh-so-catchy little tumblr craze. I have seen more "likes" on this thing than valley girl book report. "Like today, I would like to like give a book report on the like most awesome book in like the entire world...like."

If I may, I would like to go even a step further. I may add to this in the future, but I hope you will enjoy these for now.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, Realist, and Opportunist,

While you guys were arguing about the glass of water.....

I hid the glass where you will never find it.

Sincerely
The Antagonist

I set it on fire.

Sincerely
The Arsonist

I baptized you surreptitiously with it.

Sincerely,
The Baptist

I distributed your ridiculously excessive amount of water to the masses.

Sincerely,
The Communist

I poured my own damn glass of water, thank you very much!

Sincerely,
The Feminist

YEAAAA!!!!! WATER!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
The Enthusiast

I had this glass of water made into a federally protected wildlife preserve. Did you know that 16 specific and rare forms of microbes live in that water?!

Sincerely,
The Environmentalist

I fit my entire body into the glass...Tah Dah!

Sincerely,
The Contortionist

This is perfect just the way it is. Leave it alone.

Sincerely,
The Purist

I poked it and poked it and poked it, and still got nothing.

Sincerely,
The Phlebotomist (Get your minds out of the gutter!)

I believe this whole thing is stupid, and anyone who buys into it is stupid, and if you had any intelligence at all you would see the stupidity of everything you are talking about.

I called a press conference, took some slick photos of it, set up @glassofwater on Twitter, spread rumors about its relationship with a Bulgarian supermodel who will he huge in a couple of weeks and commissioned a ghost written autobiography.