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the Final Destination

hello,
am here again, I have told you before about my diary where i go like :
dear diary it have been a while since we talked and i just tell it about what’s bothering me and it listen and i feel better that’s how i survived my painful childhood, i think writing was my therapy..
the years is stopped writing in that diary i got messed up and got better again when i started writing here and here i am again the worst i can be i tried many things to get better to fix myself i walked at night in the cold because darkness the night and the cold wind always comforted me, i ate ice cream i surrendered to food to fix me it didn’t, i slept next to my mother like a kid and embraced her warmth it was definitely better but once morning came i was back to how i am, deeply depressed

be like that diary to me, take me and just fucking fix me i had enough..
i wanna travel the world aimlessly and see new things and find new things and make up with myself and understand things…
God, i wanna find god, is he really in each and every one of us if yes i wanna dive deep in me and believe in him and ask him to fix me ..
anyone please just fix me, i don’t wanna die and i don’t wanna live am just so empty..
I’m probably so random and make no sense, nothing really make sense to me anymore, i just want to be in a place where the sun is warm and light and the weather is breezy and nice and just write see my characters come to life those that have been trapped in me for so long.