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Consentual s** with the boy who raped me

I was raped at 16 by a boy that I considered to be my best friend. we weren't dating or seeing each other whatsoever. he invited me over to work on his truck. his dad left for work; it wasn't long before that, i was pinned to his mattress with him on top of me. i couldn't move, i was so scared that he'd hurt me. he kissed my face and whispered in my right ear that he was going to take my pants off. I froze and stuttered 'no'before I could fight back, he was inside me. after therapy, doctors and 'me time' i figured i was back on my feet. this boy and i rarely spoke a word to each other except for the small talk in our mechanics class. 3 years later. i found myself in the same predicament, only, i accepted it for what it was. i've willingly have s** with him twice since the rape. I feel as if i'm falling in love with the idea someone loves me.