Brendan Fraser filed some WOE IS ME legal papers in Connecticut last month, because his ex-wifeAfton Smith expects him to pay $900,000 a year in alimony and child support for their three kids. But Brendan claims that he’s so broke that it’s only a matter of time before he has to put on his George of the Jungle costume to sell $20 hand jobs to fanboys in the men’s bathroom at Comic-Con. Brendan laid it on thick by saying that he doesn’t know if he’ll ever make another dime again and he’s just not shitting out gold bars like he used to. Brendan’s wife was not convinced, so he filed more papers that show that he ends up in the red every single month. According to TMZ, Brendan laid out his monthly finances like this:

+ $205,704.04 – What he makes every month.
+ $25,800.26 – What he gets in interest and stocks and stuff every month.
- $112, 803.25 – What he pays for professional expenses (agents, lawyers, managers, etc).
- $50,000 – What he pays his ex-wife in alimony.
- $25,000 – What he pays his ex-wife in child support.
- $5,200 – What he pays his gardener.
- $5,000+ – What he pays for the mortgage on his properties.
- $6,000+ – What he pays for property taxes.
- $34,132.52 – What he pays the IRS each month.
- $5,000 – What he pays for other kinds of insurance (health, life, etc…)
- $5,000 – What he spends on family support and gifts.
- $3,000 – What he spends on staffing.
- $7.77 – What he spends on pet care.

TMZ says the list goes on and on, and shows that he’s losing $87,000 a month. But it’s not like Brendan will be turning tricks near the train tracks with Lindsay Lohan, because he’s got around $25 million in assets.

Two things blow my mind: 1) That Brendan Fraser is bringing in that much money a month in the year 2013 and; 2) That Brendan Fraser pays his gardener that much money. Dude needs to get one of those lawn Roombas. Or he needs to do what some of my family members do: just let your front lawn grow wild until the neighbors get sick of it trashing up the block and mow it themselves.

And I’m guessing that the $7.77 is to buy seeds to feed whatever animal is on top of his head.

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