CIA torturers put in their place by strongly-worded report

CIA interrogators around the world are thought to be feeling ‘at least a little bit ashamed’ following the release of a strongly-worded report which says what they did was wrong and ideally shouldn’t be done again.

The clandestine operatives, who practiced mock executions, acts of gratuitous violence and waterboarding to name just a few techniques, are thought to have felt pretty bad about themselves for a few minutes on Tuesday, before once more switching on their 15,000 volt electrodes and electric drills.

The report, which is thought to include exclamation marks, the aggressive use of semicolons and other means of conveying strong opinions via the written word, has attracted criticism from members of the Republican Party for going far beyond the bounds of civilized communication.

“They don’t even pad it out with a ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ – they just cut straight to the point. And that can be really hurtful, you know,” said Sen. Saxby Chambliss, who has a seat on the Senate Intelligence Committee. “It’s basically just one huge guilt trip,” added the senator.

But the report’s authors claim such measures were necessary to protect the nation. “Words on a page,” commented Californian democrat Dianne Feinstein. “If that won’t stop torturers, I don’t know what will.”