The Swass Report

putting the "i" in iteam before Macintosh does.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

This is worse than I thought.

It turns out that Hollywood is still plagued by Zombie Affleck. With the impending zombie plague looming over the horizon, I decided to do some research on zombies. I'm not canceling "National Steve Guttenberg Day" over a celebrity zombie crisis. I studied up so that I can make the party zombie-free. What really frightens me is that after doing all of this zombie research, it appears that Zombie Affleck may be one of the strongest zombies the world has ever seen. He shows no signs of decay yet and still has all of his teeth. This is not normal for someone that's been a zombie for at least a month now. Hopefully this is because he still has enough money for some good plastic surgery. However, if that is the case; then the chances that there are some top-notch zombie surgeons running around Hollywood are pretty good. He's also a crafty zombie. Notice how he walks around with bottled water and fake lunch sack. No one will think he's out hunting for brains if he's got food with him. Don't let this fool you, he's still a zombie and will eat your brains! Study thesepictures. Notice the slack jaw, the zombie posture, and glazed lifeless eyes. Look for these in any celebrity you see on the street before approaching them for an autograph or photo-op, because Zombie Affleck may have found them before you did.

Friday, August 20, 2004

In This Post, your Hero (me) Solves a Problem.

Are you pre-planning for "National Steve Guttenberg Day" and run into the "what to wear?" problem? If so, you are not alone. (If not, you'd better start worrying as there's only 42 days until "National Steve Guttenberg Day") You see, dressing as the Gutte has good intentions but terrible results. Not that you are completely responsible for these horrendous results, it's just that The Gutte cannot be copied and it will be proven by your costume, no matter how good it is. It's a whole aura thing. The Gutte has an essence that is nearly impossible to capture. "So now what should I wear?", you ask. I asked the same question, then I figured it out: A shirt with a picture of Guttenberg on it. Perfect, only problem was that I couldn't find a store carrying Guttenberg shirts. So I made a plea to the elite team of t-shirt design, Randy and Moss, and asked them if they could help make my dream a reality, and they agreed! So I present to you the Guttenberg T-shirt!

Now you can represent on Sept. 30th in style!

Email me at johnnynothumbs1@hotmail.com if you want one. They'll cost $20.
If I don't get more than 12 requests I won't be able to make them.
I'll keep y'all posted.
J.N.T.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Read a Book. Maybe they'll still give you a sticker for it at Pizza Hut.

In an un-Guttenberg related item, I suggest reading Motley Crue's The Dirt. This girl told me to read it, and I'm glad she did. It's a fast read, plus you'll learn at least one more use for a burrito. It makes you want to be a rock star, but it also makes you want to keep reading (which is a very unlike a rockstar). It'll be a tough choice to make, and may paralyze many of your brains with it's paradox. But if you can handle it, I suggest reading it while listening to "Kickstart my Heart" and as soon as that song makes you too restless to keep reading, go find a girl (link via science and crap)and play "3 minutes into Glitter". I know there's at least one person that understands that.

I'm halfway through the book and I still haven't found out who Glitter is.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Mark September 30th on your calendars!

I am officially declaring that from this point on September 30th will be known as "National Steve Guttenberg Day". I'm not really sure if you can just announce a day like this, but I figure that if enough of us celebrate it, they have to respect and honor this cherished holiday. Best of all, it's on a Thursday this year so you have a legitimate reason to skip work. So reserve your Gutten-movies early, because they'll all be checked out if you procrastinate. Call your party planner and prepare for the biggest bash of the year. I find that National Steve Guttenberg Day is best celebrated on a rooftop with some Sparks, and a projection screen playing Don't Tell her it's Me.
Spread the word.
Cheers!

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

It appears that Manute Bol is doing better. After a terrible accident in which the cab he was riding in flipped over, the Dinka tribesman is feeling well enough to sue the pants off the cab company responsible. I really hope that his lawyers suggest suing for their pants, because I want to see Manute wear them as shorts. I believe that it would make me laugh. And with all the zombies and injured heros in the world today, I could use a good Manute gag. The man has incredible comic timing. He should have starred in My Giant. Of course if I was casting it, the Gutte would have replaced Billy Crystal. Manute and the Gutte, that has blockbuster written all over it! It just rolls off the tongue. They could have been the next Martin and Lewis. Plus all of the advertising could mention that the movie is a blockbuster, and there would be a cardboard life-size cut-out of Manute blocking something and the Gutte standing next to him being his usual awesome self. I can't wait until they let me run one of these studios.

The ad campaigns would look something like this. Only not done with MS Paint.

(the recent links to myself are a self-congratulatory act to reward myself for my 100th post.)

As I was perusing my favorite websites today, I found this picture of Brittany Murphy over at Uncle Grambo's site. He says crack whore, I say zombie. Look at the slack jaw, the zombie posture, and the look of insatiable desire for brains in her clouded zombie eyes. Zombie Affleck may work slow (like the zombies of yore) but it's spreading. Unless, and I pray this is what it is, Brittany is simply publicly auditioning for a role in the new zombie movie shooting at Chernobyl that I read about over at Kerry's site. If you where hoping for more information on the Gutte today, it's not going to happen. I have to keep my eyes on this whole Hollywood Zombie Invasion that's on the verge of spreading rapidly. Once it's under control, I'll give you the Gutte info you've been craving.

Friday, August 06, 2004

I designed a swass coffee mug. It's got a picture of an old dude on it enjoying his coffee, and under the picture it says "Old People Love Coffee." Old people do love coffee. You don't have to love coffee to get this mug though. You could put all sorts of different things in it, like booze.
Here's a discussion you'd probably have if you put booze in it.

Some dude: Hey, sweet mug.
You: Thanks.
Some dude: Old people do like coffee.
You: Yeah, Old people like coffee...BUT I LIKE BOOZE! (you chug the entire mug)
Some dude: You rock at drinking booze like old folks rock at drinking coffee and breaking their hips! Will you be my friend?
You: Maybe for five dollars, or more booze.
Some dude: Rad. (he runs off to get you money or booze.)

I can't promise that this will happen if you buy a mug, but I can promise that it won't happen if you don't.
Think about it.

I told you that you can't stop him. I found this swass pic of the Gutte today, and it seemed fitting for reasons that make sense to those of you who know my darkest secrets. I didn't really read the article I took it from, but you can if you feel like it. I think it has something to do with comparing the Gutte and the Police Academy movies to Judge Reinhold and his cop comedy. I do know that Judge was up for the role of Mahoney and he didn't get it, so this comparison seems pointless. The Gutte is obviously the better of the two, because:
1. He got the role.
2. I never heard of Judge's movie before.
3. He's the Gutte.
4. All people remember of Judge's most popular movie are Phoebe Cate's bare breasts and Sean Penn.
5. He's the Gutte.

I mean seriously. It's like trying to compare Rex Morgan MD with Prince Valiant. It's time that could be better spend reading today's Marmaduke (which is solid by the way).

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Maybe there isn't a God afterall.

Apparently the radio's finally started to play too much good music, and somebody's trying to do something about it. Three of the four former members of Creed have put together a new band, because there's just not enough crap to fill the void created once Creed left apparently. They are calling themselves Alter Bridge and the first show is in Pontiac Michigan. Now normally I wouldn't ask anyone to go to this show, but there is a recurring nightmare I've had after hearing of this and I need to make sure it doesn't happen. You know how in Spinal Tap the guitarist leaves the band, but then later is standing backstage wishing he was out there and the lead singer asks him to come out and play and they reunite to play Japan? Well, in this nightmare, it's the same thing only with Scott Suck (or whatever his name is, you know, Creed's old singer)coming from backstage to reunite with the band, only in the dream they don't get sent off to Japan. So if anyone can go to this show, make sure Scott Suck doesn't get on that stage. Take whatever means possible. And if you have some spare time during the show, try your best to break-up this new act while your at it. I'll send you a toaster if you can get any of them deported to Japan. People of Michigan, you are our only hope.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Relaxing and Rocking on Rooftops.

As Al can attest, I love the combination of rooftops and drinks. I really don't think there's a better combo around. So it's a good thing that in LA the rooftops are pretty cool. This weekend I spent Sunday on top of the Standard Hotel in Downtown at the Vice party. Thanks to Moss for scoring the tickets. The Fever played a short set. It rocked and I'm pretty sure they did a GnR cover. They're playing Spaceland soon. Go see them. Another highlight of the day was some Road Rules or Real World guy who's a bartender there now, yelling at Moss and Kerry "No Pictures!" as they tried to sneak a snapshot of him. Oh yeah, and free Sparks. That rocked too.