It's so easy to get lost in the quest for self-improvement. Every billboard seduces us with the vision of a happier, more successful life. I'm suggesting an opposite road to happiness. If we can name our own awkward, ardent gifts, and extricate them from the shame and wounds that keep them buried, we'll find ourselves on a bullet train to deep, surprising, life-changing intimacy.

Some clients would complain of feeling like they were "too much"; too intense, too angry, or too demanding. From my therapist's chair, I would see a passion so powerful that it frightened people away.

Other clients said they felt that they felt like they were "not enough"; too weak, too quiet, too ineffective. I would find a quality of humility and grace in them which would not let them assert themselves as others did.

Clients would describe lives devastated by codependency, and I would see an immense generosity with no healthy limits.

Again and again, where my clients saw their greatest wounds, I also saw their most defining gifts!

Cervantes said that reading a translation is like viewing a tapestry from the back. That's what it's like when we try to understand our deepest struggles without honoring the gifts that fuel them.

When we understand our lives through the lens of our gifts it's as if we step out from behind the tapestry and really see it for the first time. All of a sudden, things make sense. We see the real picture, the moving, human story of what matters most to us. We begin to understand that our biggest mistakes, our most self-sabotaging behaviors were simply convulsive, unskilled attempts to express the deepest parts of ourselves.

Susan came to therapy after her boyfriend of two years left her. She had put the whole of her heart and all her energies into her relationship, and when it ended, she felt utterly destroyed. "Why can't I let go and move on like he did, or as my friends tell me I should?" she asked me on her first visit.

As she described her relationship history, I saw a consistent quality of kindness in her; a soft-heartedness which people kept taking advantage of. Susan appreciated these qualities in herself, but she also felt like they were a curse. (That very ambivalence is one of the main indicators of a core gift.) I sensed that a key to her healing lay precisely there. Again and again, we worked at helping her reframe her sensitivity not as a weakness, but as a gift that she-as well as her former partners-didn't know how to honor.

It sounds simple, but seeing these qualities as a gift was the foundation of new dating life for her. By seeing their worth, she could learn to understand, honor, and even treasure them.

When Susan looked at her life through the lens of her gift, she felt triumphant. "I was right all along!" she said. "Those things that bothered me about my boyfriends bothered me for a reason. I wasn't crazy. I just didn't honor my gift and I found men who were all too happy to agree with me."

I've named the approach I used with Susan "Gift Theory." The easiest way to explain Gift Theory is by starting with the image of a target. Every ring inward toward the center moves us closer to our most authentic self. In the center of the target, where the bull's-eye is, lie our core gifts.

Core gifts are not the same as talents or skills. In fact, until we understand them, they often feel like shameful weaknesses, or as parts of ourselves too vulnerable to expose. Yet they are where our soul lives. They are like the bone marrow of our psyche, generating a living stream of impulses toward intimacy and authentic self-expression. But gifts aren't hall-passes to happiness. They get us into trouble again and again. We become most defensive-or most naïve-around them. They challenge us and the people we care about. They ask more of us than we want to give. And we can be devastated when we feel them betrayed or rejected.

Since the heat of our core is so hard to handle, we protect ourselves by moving further out from the center. Each ring outward represents a more airbrushed version of ourselves. Each makes us feel safer, puts us at less risk of embarrassment, failure, and rejection. Yet, each ring outward also moves us one step further from our soul, our authenticity, and our sense of meaning. As we get further away from our core gifts, we feel more and more isolated. When we get too far, we experience a terrible sense of emptiness.

So, most of us set up shop at a point where we are close enough to be warmed by our gifts, but far enough away that we do not get burned by their fire. We create safer versions of ourselves to enable us to get through our lives without having to face the existential risk of our core.

The Gift Theory model invites us to discover what our core gifts are (most of us don't really know), to extricate these gifts from the wounds that keep them buried, and to express them with bravery, generosity, and discrimination in our dating life. When we do this, we find healthy love moving closer.

If you're looking for love, try to discover your own gifts. They shine in your joys and strengths, but they also live-and hide-right in the heart of your greatest insecurities and heartbreaks. If you learn to lead with them in your dating life, you will find-almost without trying-- that you're experiencing mutual attractions with people who love and treasure the very gifts you're discovering.

In future blogs, we'll explore in much greater detail how to discover your own core gifts. In the meantime, I invite you to take two or three minutes to reflect on the following question:

Are there essential qualities in you which have sometimes felt more like a curse than a gift? Perhaps you haven't known how to handle them, or maybe you've had the painful experience of other people misunderstanding or taking advantage of them. Take a minute to begin to put words on these qualities. As you name them, you'll learn to honor them, and you'll come to understand your struggles, your intimacy journey and your life story in a new way.

Wow, great post! The title caught my eye right away. You know, I've learned this year this very same thing you are talking about. For me, what I thought was a curse- my biggest weakness, was shyness. But because of that shyness, I felt a need to make a project to confront my feelings and blog about my journey of stepping outside my comfort zone publicly. This has been one of the best things I've ever done, and I've learned so much about myself and my so called shyness. I've learned that it was a gift, and without it I never would have started my shyness project blog, never would have come in contact with a lot of great people who read my blog, and never would have learned so many lessons as at a young age as 18. Your article really expressed how I feel about my once biggest insecurity, and how I feel like in a way it was a gift, and it had a purpose. My purpose is to help others in similar situations learn these lessons for themselves. Great article!

It's like a part of me wants to open up to the friends &amp; family about my insecurities but then again that'd leave me open to be vulnerable &amp; I don't like that feeling. Besides it just feels to me like its pointless to try. It also doesn't change that as an Aspie with Aspergers there's so much we can talk about since we don't have an emotional filter whatsoever. That's the height of being a person with Aspergers.

As I read your post, I felt it was bang-on. As a student in clinical training, I felt these words really capture what many people struggle to own -- their own uniqueness. The next step is: how do you share that uniqueness with your family, community, and society so that everybody can benefit?

There is a comedian named David O'Doherty who sings a comic song of his own composition called "Very Mild Superpowers", describing his apparently banal special talents (e.g., making old pens work, and knowing where everything is in a kitchen he's never been in, link to the song lyrics, http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858751746/)

Although these examples in the song are "light", the principle is the same: can you own what makes you, you? It can be so much 'easier' to conform, but so much can be lost, and at what price? The converse situation is the person who is so inveterately 'unique', they forget the comforting truth that deep down, people ARE also all the same. The key is that this is deep down, so in our daily work and world, it's o.k. to be quite different.

This really spoke to me, as I have been called too sensitive. But some of the greatest joy I've known comes from being so sensitive, and being touched by others' kindness and warmth. My best friend shares this quality too, and we understand each other and know that most of the world is not like us; this makes our friendship deeper than words can express.

this article transcends what i've seen in modern psychology and approaches a core issue of loving oneself in a way that i've only seen occult and/or spiritual literature do.

for a male who tucked away his extreme sensitivity at an early age i certainly understand in a very visceral way what the author means by gift/curse. as i've aged, i'm now in my mid thirties, i've become able to be brave enough to smash thru years of protective armor in order to approach this delicate subject and begin to appreciate what a gift it truly is. growing up in a western macho society, in a macho town, and in a manly macho family, i quickly learned to hide away certain aspects of myself with a deep, deep shame.

dr. page's bullseye analogy is apt, and i built up more layers than an onion. expressing a persona as opposed to giving up the real me. i did this out of fear and shame. understandably this causes disturbances in all types of relationships, but especially romantic ones, where genuine sharing and communion is of paramount importance to a successful pairing.

i've been more verbose in my age, so i'll sum this up: i've grown into myself, feel more comfortable in my own skin, and am not ashamed, and am even proud, to show my sensitivity. i realize what a wonderful gift it is and not everyone is lucky enough to be so endowed. as i'm able to express more of my real self there has been an abatement and subsiding of a general sense of unease and tension, and my relationships have improved. as a younger person i didn't have a true sense of myself or what i wanted to be, so it's no surprise that others weren't able to either.

I too am a sensitive soul. That hasn't gotten me in much mischief (until my H decided to divorce me and ran roughshod over me in the process. But I see now that says more about him than it does me.)

No, my problem is that I have a "man's" sense of humor, but I'm a female. At my heart, is my dad, and every raunchy joke I ever heard him tell a hundred times. HE was loved for his humor. HE talked like a sailor and walked like a cowboy, and that was perfect for him. But I am a girl in a boy's club world. I'm supposed to sit and listen and blush.

Bullshit.

Now don't get me wrong. I have a degree in English, and I taught elementary school for a long haul. I know how to keep a lid on it. I know when it's clearly inappropriate. Which is almost everywhere.

I have to keep my thoughts to myself always. Only my family and my very closest friends get the mixed blessing of my wicked wit/no holds barred attitude/vocabulary. And they don't always "appreciate" it, either.

However, my brother, and every male I know, gets away with whatever tumbles out of their mouths because, hell, boys will be boys.

My teen son shows me stuff his friends look at (youtube, etc) that most parents would shudder at, and we laugh together. I think it is great that he is comfortable enough to be his real self with me. But then I make a lewd joke, and he goes ballistic. I have lived my entire life with this goddamn double standard, and I am sofa king tired of it, I can't even tell you. I don't know if this is a gift (it has only ever been a curse,) but I know that I never feel I can show my true colors because people see me as low class or trampy. So why is it funny when the same things come out of men's mouths?

I am a high school teacher, and all the things that you claim as the "double standard" are what endure me to my students. The fact that I can watch "smang it" videos (watch it, its hilarious) and laugh with them, AND make a raunchy comment now and then for a laugh (think 'thats what she said...its still high school after all) makes them more open to tell me when problems arise.

Your son is lucky to have you, and it's just silly embarassment. When they are alone, his friend say "your mom is cool". And he's proud.

Couldn't it be a blessing in that if you do say those things then you're encouraging people to be more authentic? Particularly women who usually feel they have to follow societies rules. Never mind that people don't appreciate it. If you're just having a joke then let it rip!

Couldn't it be a blessing in that if you do say those things then you're encouraging people to be more authentic? Particularly women who usually feel they have to follow societies rules. Never mind that people don't appreciate it. If you're just having a joke then let it rip!

Couldn't it be a blessing in that if you do say those things then you're encouraging people to be more authentic? Particularly women who usually feel they have to follow societies rules. Never mind that they don't appreciate it. If you're just having a joke then let it rip!

I don't know one of my most hated traits is my apathy toward myself. For others I can often be called over sensitive, and I really hate to see others in pain, but I basically expect myself to be in pain, whether it's because a recent girl hurt me, or I feel like my friends are abandoning me, there's always something i expect to be wrong. Where I'm at now is I could be absolutely crazy for a girl one day, then she'll tell me nothing will happen between us and the next day I'll be upset, but i just don't seem to care. And it's not just girls, i just dont seem to care about anything involving me anymore i feel myself starting to be numb to my own pain, in a bad sense. I don't really see how this certain trait could be a strength

Hey. In just that short paragraph, one might guess that you are an all or nothing kind of person. My thoughts are, 1) that you should not wait 'til you find someone that you feel so deeply about to date, 2) you may know deep down that if the time was right that it would happen, and 3) you are a person that doesn't give up.
Good luck.

Hey. In just that short paragraph, one might guess that you are an all or nothing kind of person. My thoughts are, 1) that you should not wait 'til you find someone that you feel so deeply about to date, 2) you may know deep down that if the time was right that it would happen, and 3) you are a person that doesn't give up.
Good luck.

The idea of embracing your core gifts is a lifelong learning process. You cannot find the answer in one article, but it can help to point you in the right direction to start to look at yourself and think about who you are and how you interact with the world. It sounds like you are having a difficult time so I really hope you don't give up but realize that if you keep looking & working at it you will eventually get to where you need to be. Also, life seldom operates in a straight line but is full of setbacks so try to stay strong and don't give up. Good luck!

Turning our challeneges into gifts is a theory I discovered in graduate school but your concept really draws in the Self and self-acceptance. I ran a group on envy yesterday and what came out of that was in fact, what we envy in others is often related to some blind-spot we have regarding ourselves...an inability to see what makes us good, special or unique...some quality or way of being that remains trapped within us due to wounds...I can't wait to hear more on this subject from you. It's compassionate, smart and full of potential. Thank you!!!

The article definitely is spot on! And I do agree with you, Elizabeth, that it is about self-acceptance. I love your comment, it really complements the ideas shared in the article and draws in another perspective to it. I look forward to reading more on both of these topics, too, and may actually think about writing an article, relating brainwave entrainment technology to self acceptance, becoming more centered and turning 'weaknesses' into strengths!

I cannot thank you enough for this... I nearly cried when reading it. I've been completely stuck and lost in my third year of college, suffering from low self-esteem. On and off through the years I have valued my gift of being non-judgmental towards people and situations. However, lately, I've loathed it for not allowing me to quickly pick a job path and for not being able to relate to my friends as they talk about other people. I started to believe I was slow, naive, "too soft," and, most of all, wishy-washy. I tried to mask this sensitivity and broadmindedness in order to fit in. I've been more than miserable.

Now I have an idea, or at least a next step!, of where I want to go in my life--possibly into therapy.

It is, I agree! I was blown away by it! And I am a senior-the rejection I've experienced is as a scapegoat in a family of vicious people. I was the scapegoat, I think now, because I'm honest in what I see and sometimes I call it that way, too. More than that, I won't dump on others to save my hide. Boy, have I paid! However, seeing this as a gift, I'm going to start leading with that honestly and integrity, letting people know 'out loud' that this is my way! Firmly. I'm going to take the compassion I have and go forward to get support groups for patients going. You, being nonjudgmental-you're going into psychotherapy? Or to be a psychotherapist? Life coach? Yes, Good luck!

Two words: trite commonplace.
I cannot fathom why so many people seem to think this article is anything else than a bland theory without any true psychological insight, only created to make people feel better about themself - as if they really needed this so-called theory to be truly happy - and consequently to make them spend money to listen to this sort of nonsense. This is precisely the reason why I cannot take "self-help" books seriously.
In other words, if you are interested in psychology, read Freud or Lacan.

This strengths from weaknesses talk is nice, but really, if something isn't helping you it's probably not a strength. I'm a good listener, kind and compassionate. And I have no friends. Is my sensitivity a strength? Not when everybody ( and that is everybody) tells me to grow thicker skin or just laughs at my feelings. Is my creativity a strength when I find it hard to fit in (and that's something most people do to pay the bills) with the standard office culture? There's what's nice, and then there's reality. Know which is which.

A bland theory!? I suppose i can stretch to that, but why exactly does a theory need to be anything more than bland if it helps people improve their psychological well being? We don't always need to go into the details to gain value from something.

This is an excellent column, thank you for writing it! It reminds me a bit of positive psychology.

If I had a therapist like you, I might have actually benefitted from therapy. My therapist was always so intense and focused on negative emotions. Not once did she ever mention something positive about me or my life. I dreaded going there.

I came to the realization myself many years after that many of my negatives were actually the flip side of a positive. For instance, I always took criticism at work for being easily annoyed by interruptions. I later realized that this reflected a positive trait that another employer might value - I can concentrate intensely for a long time.

I just don't buy it. This mode of therapy forces people to again and again dig into "wounds" in order to discover strengths, bringing about continued pain that does not need to be resurrected. These experiences need to be viewed as only as thoughts in our head. We can have power over these thoughts by simply releasing them. Instead of repeated visits to a counselor to pay for the opportunity of unearthing crap from the past, learn instead that these things have no or very little relevance to the very moment being experienced. Find your strengths or develo some new ones. You can do it.

I agreed with you! Bruno ,"not to go there as long as you can handle it " was also my psychology professor's advised when asked whether one should see professional therapist to find one's own
strengths to cope with pain.
.

What a pile of crap. No wonder the world is in such a sad state. This is a perfect example of irresponsibility. Fuck feelings, "Maybe we should chug on over to mamby-pamby land where maybe we can find some confidence for you, you jackwagon!"
What a joke but you are making the big bucks off of the weaklings, you must be so proud.

I think there is a lot of merit in what you have written here and relates to myself and many other people that i know and have interacted with over time in business and personally. I run a business incubation company which assists entrepreneurs in developing new ideas or existing companies going through change management. In this role i am a facilitator, coach, mentor and negotiator towards goals the purpose of the company and its shareholders.

Whilst all businesses at their core have a widget with the spectrum of business requirements, ultimately of course it it people that make them succeed or fail.

Where i feel this this article relates is where i have understood my own skills and attributes that enable me to do this and indeed observe the same conclusion that you have expressed in many people. Indeed the converse is true that people who try to be what they are not or attempt to change what they are with out conviction often end up half way or back where they started time and time again.

In my instance many years ago I realised that my skills listed above were born not from an academic learning but moreso from the early formative years and later throughout my teens when my parents were going through divorce and i became the middle person between mother, father, brothers schools etc to maintain the peace and that these mirror in effect the same buffer, protector, guide and inspiration that i now employ to achieve success for others and myself.

I only really became aware of this around 19 when i finally realised that i was still trying to protect and solve my parents marriage and then later learning that this was more about protecting my own emotive feelings of love that are deeply seated within us.

I am know for my patience, tenacity, ability to see things laterally and from many perspectives towards maintaining a direction, staus quo or reach an objective.

Academically, socially and personally this followed (indeed should i say led) me and likewise all the way through my work and proffessional life. Always taking roles that with hindsight used this attributes and i can see the pattern emerge that was formed at that time.

Is this good? should we embrace it,, or change it and as some people have mentioned is it good to go back and open "wounds". Those wounds/scaring is there so liek it or not it remains and does affect our current and future state depending on our circumstance. So the question should be more related to are we happy with what we are able to do with these conditioned attributes that have led from an event or pattern of events? does it do us good or others without expense to ourselves? Can they be used for good or commercially and provide a good path for your life.

For me i effectively reframed my pain, negative experiences, stresses and strains to see how a positive label, career and business could follow it. I must say it wasnt a forward planning excercise though as I have learnt the meaning of all this along the way. So in pursuit of knowledge of self and other things,, including the why what hows of life i came to this reframing excercise.

Has it worked and do i concur with the article that this is a good thing? again i repeat this depends on how one relates the 'good'
I have certainly enjoyed and achieved some great projects,, many amazing people and worked on several new leading edge small and big projects that have done good and i have benifited from.

However i do have this eternal optomist and healthy realist view of life and expereinces which you think was good,, though i must say that in the last few months and now reading this article i realise that the healthy realist piece needs a wake up call as in someways i can see where i am still taken back several times to where my parents were called in to discuss some matters at school as things had taken a turn in my ability to complete work or achieve high marks,,, off course i had to sit outside whilst they discussed and then they came out and said dont worry all is sorted and will be ok. I smiled happy for them and they went back to their own conditioned response and about 5 years later after leaving uni to find another path into the commercial world i moved to the other side of the world and created a great life of my own,,,,, off course using all the skills i thought i learned,, yet accept that were actually conditioned from that period. A Quality Assurance Auditior, A Sales & Marketing Director, Corporate Development Executive - Head of Mergers & Aquistions,,, then business & property incubation where I "help you help yourself" and "develop returns from property - physical and intellectual" In all these cases I have certainly learnt and enjoyed most of what i have done for others and myself - however if honest there has also been a vast amount of business and life experience that has been spent on others at my expense,, i have always chalked it up to the MBA of life or school fees.

Where am i going with this response? resading this article today co-incides with bringing my learning and understanding up todate over the last few days where further to going into a separation over the past 8 weeks from a 6 year relationship. As a result of self examination and some close proffessional friends i have realsied that these events of my childhood and what i then went on to reframe whilst they have a good label,, they have also been deeply rooted as a somewhat self limiting belief and with negative consequences.

In business as mentioned above i have been too easy to give away, give patience when acting may have been better or a faster way to a conclusion,, taken legal action where others have taken advantage. I have not let any of this affect others negatively with intent or indeed circumstance where ever possible and i am good a t what i do,, however i am questioning whether this is what i should be doing? as despite spending my time assisting others reaching their goals,, am i getting closer to mine if i have seen that these attributes have led to a breakdown in my realtionship and many of those goals? - i might add that i had a 16 year relationship / marriage with two great children before this relationship and that ended in divorce,, with my ex divorcing me. So personally i can say that the last 8 weeks have turned my foundations on their head in someways as once again whilst trying to be open, good, with positive intent and helping whereever i can i am back to the start again. I have learnt a lot in the last 8 weeks including somethings i have looked to change within myself,, with the aim to improve,,, However this has conflicted with my belief that what i do is what i am or in reading this article is it more a case of what i am is what i do?
This led to putting most of my business on hold as i evaluated what this meant as i had moved away from that business full time to be in partnership with my life partner,, or so i thought!!

Your article has come at a good time as i was contemplating attempting to 'switch off' some of my attributes in an attempt to leave behind those periods and redisciver myself - this off course would stop some 15 years of business modelling i have followed in myself. Having read your article i will not be doing that,, there are very few truely negative aspect of my character so there is no need to stop them believeing they are 'bad'. In recognising where they come from and that yes they are my key characteristics then a) it is unlikely they can be left behind and b) in refocussing them or willingly adding new skills or approaches to how i focus on making things happen i can move forward by strengthening my current skills and how i communicate with others.

So in the end i think you have to ask yourself a question that is good for anyone to do - are you happy with what you are doing or achieving? really happy? if yes then keep doing them,, if not then adapt the things you're not happy with to realise yes you can do anything that you want in life,, yet whilst i beleive a leopard can change its spots,,,,, it can only do so if it really, really, really, really, really, really,, wants to. Of course most people can't get past the first two commitments to adapt/change so why fight it when it can be first embraced and secondly enhanced with other complimentary skills. This should lead,, as the writer eludes to, a more natural, free flowing approach and ability to enjoy and be productive in life.

So rather than change, adapt yourself and your surroundings to use that conditioned skill base to enjoy your life and with those around you who genuinely share or compliment as opposed to just using you - this would concur with your findings / other than those whose past creates negative effects that keep repeating in life.

Me,, i have realised i was still indirectly blaming others for things that are up to me to address,, those others are oblivious in most cases,, so why waste the energy. Secondly i was blaming myself for things that finally i want to put behind me with this knowledge that it wasnt at fault. If positive changes or opportunties come from this yes then i will follow them as oppossed to a radical attempt to change career / interests.

I fancy trying to learn to swim better or in different progressive conditions as opposed to being a fish out of water learning to try and walk.

,,, upon reading my own post,, i have spent most of that comment referring to life/business and your subject is love/relationships/intimacy - off course i have to say with hindsight i can say in both my 16 year marriage, the last 6 year relationship and importantly a shorter one in bewteen my core gifts have played an important part in who i have been and why we had great loving relationships,, ie why we fell in love. However not recognising the points made in your article and my comments of understanding can lead us to make mistakes because we dont understand where our strengths are based or we try to change them,,(silly as we risk 'bouncing' back), or indeed do the same to our partner and as a result we are not two balanced grounded people sharing and recognising these points together in a relationship. I have over the past 8 weeks realised much of this and it is helping bring the relationship back together,, and i am aware that this must be the same for the other person,, who i love for who she is and wish to embrace that whilst we both learn to add to our skills and experiences as opposed to change. I am doing the same with my broader family as well - including watching my 11 year old son this afternoon take trials for county cricket and the coach choosing to focus on enjoying what he is good at which got him this far first,, saying that there is plenty time to improve the few areas he's not.

I didn't get to read your entire post as it is very lengthly, though I can tell you are an intellegent and thoughtful person. With that in mind it is with great respect that I say you're coming off as a bit of a blowhard! Are you one of those guys that I see around town who I very much like but try to avoid because otherwise might get drawn into a long-winded one-sided conversation?

Hi Amanda, well you've started this conversation, :-) and no need to be sorry,, you are right, it was a very long post and I take constructive note of your comment. I wrote that at a particularly relective time, all the points still apply,, but now shorter posts! Over to you,,,

Meh nevermind that, who am I to judge? Funny that I posted that but in my own life sometimes have a hard time keeping a conversation going! Carry on then.

Well you have started this one going :-),, and you do have something to say,, don't worry about ur comment it was very valid!! I was in a particular reflective mode due to circumstance,, nice thing about posting is you don't have to keep someone tied up in conversation on the street! Bit like books,, people write them & they sit on a shelf,, if people want to read it,, its there,, For me it helped to express & refect. If it helps someone else great. In the end whilst listening is the key to learning from others, the world around and indeed ourselves,, if no-one talked,, there would be nothing to listen to,, read or discuss :-) over to you,, what's your 'gift'?

I've found what you described here to be my experience, also, and I enjoyed reading your gentle reminder. I found this article so beautiful.

In my experience, all "gifts" are a paradox, a mix of "good" and "bad." (I use those labels lightly.) In my own life, I see how my sensitivity makes me compassionate, empathetic, and tender; it also means feeling everything intensely, including pain. This isn't always pleasant!

I feel more accepting towards my gifts (and myself) when I open to this paradox and don't make it wrong. Then I can see it for what it is - a beautiful teacher, what keeps my heart open and what connects me to others in interdependence.

You did a great job of putting into words the paradox we all live with. I see this all the time in shy people who hate their own temperament rather than accepting their sensitivity (I include myself here). Look forward to more of your work.

Its the new "great debate" of modern psychology. We can accept ourselves as we are and ask others to do the same. We can face the fact of our own passions, meekness or outlandish behavior and ask others to do the same, likewise accepting that others will do the same. This "genuine me" approach ensures that we will both be liked less often by fewer people and will simultaneously be genuinely liked for who we are.

Or we can change. We can recognize extreme passion or meekness, shyness or extroversion, as something in need of correction and live with the guilt of "being wrong" about who we ought to have been so many, many years. We can then undertake a painstaking process of comprehensive personal change in order to be liked by a larger, more diverse group of people for who we present ourselves to be, as opposed to who we were originally.

Both paths are available to every person in existence today. You needn't have one of modern psychology's preposterously large selection of mental "disorders" (which as a student of psychology include, I am pretty sure, existence)in order to recognize a desire in yourself for change. The question one mask ask themselves prior to undertaking change is simply this: Is there truly anything wrong with me, and do I need to change in the first place?

That answer will be different for each of us. I am an extreme extrovert with an outlandishly outgoing personality. Against the grain is the norm for me; I thrive in social settings, enjoy challenging, stimulating conversation and debate and pursue numerous hobbies and interests, each of which is a deep passion for me. As such, my focus shifts nearly constantly, and my moods are somewhat volatile. This drives some people away, but the ones who love me do so because they genuinely love me, not the persona I present. For me a true impression is far more important than a "good" one and I have chosen to accept myself in all of my volatility, as opposed to trying some comprehensive personality overhaul so I can please more people more often.

In other words yes, my greatest gifts - extroversion, intellectual capacity and passion - are also my greatest points of vulnerability and weakness, and the resultant high-wire balancing act of my social life is a constant, high-octane challenge. And I like it that way, but that's just me.

Enablers everywhere will love this article. I think it is true that our insecurities reveal our gifts. However, gifts are only good if deserved and reciprocated. Otherwise they only lead to more dysfunction... charity is wasted.

I'm coping with caring about two people who had severely messed-up childhoods, alcoholic parents, physical abuse and neglect, and they are scarred. They have problems relating to other people, problems with trust and some rough edges that drive potential friends away.

So I'm all sensitive and understanding and caring, but trying to make it so their damage doesn't leak onto me, in the form of pass-along abuse. They live in a rough world. Both of them used to cut themselves; I asked WHY: 'just to feel something.'

One of them, the one I've been trying to have as a boyfriend (if he's not just too feral to tame) likes to say "that which does not kill me makes me stronger." I think this article suffers from a similar optimistic flaw. In reality, the hardships and suffering he endures grind him down, make him sick, age him prematurely, and make him less happy and less enjoyable to be with. He is "tough," protected by layers of psychological scar tissue.

I went looking for something that applies to hurt, hurting people. This is for people who are more like me -- empaths, sensitive people -- but who haven't been able to think their way through to their own core nature on their own yet.

If I tried to apply this to my hurt friends, they'd find that their core strengths must be, on her end, the shame of sexual abuse when she was a child, and his the shame of his disgracefully neglected, degraded upbringing.

I've been working on several blog post relating to this issue --particularly a series called The Outsider.

I noticed some comments criticizing this method of what can be dismissively summed up as "Feel good about yourselves, you're better than you think!" To those commenters I would say:

Actually, it's sad but true: people *do* need to hear that maybe some aspect of themselves they've overlooked, repressed or rejected contains buried treasure. Sensitive people, introverts, oddballs with special talents -- we get the feeling from society that we are like star-shaped or circular pegs that don't fit in the square mold that's been laid out for us. Yet these people often have a tremendous perspective to offer the world -- something unique, authentic and alive. They have gifts! And it's worth being reminded that such buried treasure does exist within our psyche.

Carl Jung said "our genius lies in our wound," and many a great artist has proven this theory. One could say William Blake was a tortured dreamer, plagued by visions of another world: but he created some of the most vital works of the 20th century!

Van Gough dug into his wound and came up with: some of the most lasting art of the last several centuries!

I look at this post, and the ideas contained, through the lens of how it applies to the creative process, and it makes perfect sense to me. Any student of literature knows that most of our most vital and lasting works center around the author's particular obsessions and proclivities, teasing out themes which then create the basis of their work.

The nay-sayers can neigh all they like: applied to creativity, Gift Theory is pretty much proven by every great artist that ever lived.

And I really enjoyed your bull's eye metaphor, ken...and the idea of how we edge further and further out from that center, airbrushing the self we show the world until we've airbrushed ourselves into emptiness. I think that is a particularly poignant description; very clear and very true, in my experience with myself and others.

Be well on your journey fellow seekers (and thanks for this great post, Ken!) Stop by my blog sometime if you like this sort of theme -- it's the heart of my work!

As I read this article, the main question that kept occurring to me was, "So how would one apply this in the real world?"

We've all been there at those job interviews, where you are asked what you consider your greatest weakness to be. I became skilled at coming up with some minor fault (I don't delegate enough) and turning it into a strength that I think will impress the interviewer (I focus so hard I don't always notice when colleagues might have spare capacity).

It's not really about what we see as our weaknesses, is it? It's about how others perceive us, and that's where I think this theory falls flat.

For instance, an organization might see it as a big problem that I don't have any recognized qualifications. I can justify it all I want in terms of having been pro-active enough to overcome a poor background and limited formal educational opportunities and educate myself on my own time. But will an organization looking to hire buy that, or will they just hire someone who DOES have degrees?

What you yourself regard as a strength can also be seen by others as a weakness. I rather like being an extreme cognitive outlier, but that generally isn't considered sexy in our culture, and even though I'm gentle and easygoing, people just assume that I'm going to be up myself and have no social skills.

The accuracy of this post is so awe inspiring that I immediately started to think I want this author as a psychotherapist. But I am based in Dublin, while he in New-York, but I am going to make all the necessary efforts to read anything he writes. Wow!