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21 January 2014

Letting go of some Judgement

It has been just about a month since I sat and wrote, and what a month that was! The frozen septic issue went from bad to worse and for the last little while, well since a couple of days after the last blog we have been living as if we had suddenly been plunged into pre-indoor plumbing days. The frigid temperatures, and limited resources left little that could be done other than to pray for a January thaw, thankfully magic always delivers and the thaw came, the help arrived (thank you! and I love you!) and the septic we can say is back to working order! yay! can you say relieved!!!! This was an experience that really opened my eyes to so many things, some on a mundane level others on a generational level and still others on an ancestral level, and others on a literally really shitty level!

When the realities of life without indoor plumbing set in, we set in to taking care of it, in the best possible spirits we got through it, our relationship survived the test well and in truth both learnt a great deal from the experience, for the hubby it was a case of how it really was easier to deal with the realistic harshness at times of our life as long as we maintained our composure and found a way to laugh, knowing it is only a matter of circumstance and it will come to an end eventually allows you to keep your sanity and not rip each other whole new asses.....for me well it was the reality of being a housewife back in a time when they did have to carry buckets of water to fill sinks and dump them out, sink after sink, it was realizing that it was not simple to just do the dishes, or wash the laundry.....showering in itself took on a whole new meaning. All of this in the dead of the Atlantic Canada winter. How many of us now ever get the opportunity to even live for a day as our ancestors did, with the harshness of the cold, the reality of the workload and the tiredness of a body at the end of the day that just craved it's bed and a moment of silence to be able to calm and rest its weary bones.....I thought I knew tired before this but no I had no idea......

It was in those moments of exhaustion when I had to keep pushing myself to go and keep going, it was in those moments that I realized that I finally understood my mother, my grandmother and every other women that came before me.....we think we are tired now that we hold jobs, take care of families and attempt extra curricular events but let me tell you take away the simplest of things like the ability to quickly shower, or make a quick meal and clean up after yourself and you will learn what tired really is. The women of those generations that did this and raised children were exhausted! I realize my mother was exhausted.....that was the beginning of the realizations where my mother was concerned.....the most profound of which was when I finally admitted to myself that I had judged her....her ability to mother me, who she was as a mother and as a woman, never fully understanding what she lived through herself.

Hell its no big shock that my life has been hard, it has to be hard, it just is the way it is....don't get me wrong its not a pity party saying my life is hard, not at all its just the reality that my life has held many lessons....many moments of checking in to make sure my ego is not taking over, not leading me down the wrong road....have I always liked those moments? well fuck no! they have sucked but life is what it is, if I had not lived them I would not have fought through and survived it....I wouldn't be who I am, I would not have been constantly reminded to be thankful for the small things in life, the precious moments of growth....but somewhere in all of that and in finding myself evolving and surrounding myself with other "evolved" souls, and my very vocal belief of a non judgement policy it never dawned on me that I myself was holding judgement against the woman that gave me life.....not in the sense of deeming her unfit, evil or anything like that because in truth I had long forgiven and let go of my childhood quite openly and publicly actually, but I had been placing myself in an almost superior place above her, as if I could see what she had done to me, so much that I could "grant" her forgiveness as if it was my right to do so, as a somewhat magnanimous gift I was giving her that in her "ignorance" or "evilness" she could not see when in reality by doing that or feeling that I was placing judgement squarely on her and firmly eroding my chances or ability to move forward......oh what a cycle that has ended up creating.....that I have ended up creating.

I remember the stories of her life, the stories of what it was like to be her in a strange land, amongst the family of a husband who she adored, but whose family didn't approve of her...funny how that goes eh? I started to look through my life and see the correlations, the repeated patterns.....anyone that has ever known me has always known that I can let go and get past almost anything as long as I can understand it, that thought and belief in life lead me to have to understand her and in order to do that I guess you see right I had to live it......moment after heartbreaking moment, judging it all along the way as a somewhat voyeur in a theater of her life, feeling each moment in my own, yes I made different choices along the way......I had more opportunities in life than she had, more education, more love, more time.....difference being I had more.....my children had more than I did and they will in turn give more to my grand children and that is the way it should be.....what I should never have given was more judgement......she gave me what she had to give, again I reiterate I understand I made different choices, they don't make me superior just different and I am happy within that difference. It is my sincere wish to end this cycle here, I have a new found respect and understanding of how very difficult it was to live that life, and some things can never be unfelt or unseen......

It is about time I relinquish that little bit of ego that was holding on and let it all be what it is and should have always been, my path is one of love, to help others to find it, understand and live it, not to be anymore or any less than anyone else. Let me set the example by starting with me, I am sorry, I release all judgement, you are enough.

2 comments:

it really is, had I not just lived this I don't know how much longer in years it would have taken me to be able to look at it this way.....of course its been a little bit of an unbalancing moment but a good one that will result in more balance as I go forward :) thank you for reading it <3