Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Parental Poisoning

Dear Parents,

The subject of Parental Alienation is a real thing and it's happening right now, probably to someone you know or perhaps it's happening to you. Parental Alienation is the poisoning of the children against one parent (and their extended family) perpetuated by the other parent, often accompanied by their extended family. It's basically brainwashing with a fancier name. There are countless reasons for this to happen but the one that makes me absolutely see red is our old pal, Revenge. Making the Ex pay by enlisting the children in their fight is absolutely sickening. There are parents out there right now who are so hurt and so incapable of handling their feelings they consciously and purposely use their children's love against their ex-spouse. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, "My ex told me they were going to destroy me and now they're doing it."

This is completely disgusting people. Your kid needs their other parent. Do you realize that by openly involving your children in your hatred of your Ex you are simultaneously sending them the message that you hate a part of them? That the part of them that was given to them by their other parent is somehow defective and unlovable? Even if you're not saying it out loud your message is clear as a bell.

News flash: What you are doing is wrong.

Programming your children to fight on your side because your ex is the evil bad guy and so is their extended family is destroying their childhood.

Your children need their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, whatever. They love them. They have already had their family broken apart by what was most assuredly an ugly divorce. They already feel they have done something wrong, that they were not good enough or important enough and surely if they were better none of this would have happened. I don't care if they're not saying that to you. That means nothing. Chances are, they won't say those things to you because they are desperately worried and trying to protect you. They've seen you navigate the stormy waters of divorce and it scared the crap out of them. They have seen you behave in ways you never thought yourself capable. They have watched you at your lowest and it has terrified them to the core.

So stop acting like a victim. Stop it NOW. Stop making custody and visitation about you and what you feel you and/or your ex "deserves." Because I guarantee you're not making good decisions and you are torturing your children with ongoing court battles.

Still fighting in front of the kids?? Unacceptable. They saw enough of that when they were living with the two of you.

They hate it. They hate it. They hate it.

It hurts them. You're hurting them. The entire scenario is hurting them and the effects will be life long.
By running to the court and asking a judge to decide what's best for your children you are teaching them that they, and you, are powerless. The only way to solve a problem is to find the most important grown up possible and ask them what to do. When the judge makes a decision, if you continue to play the role of the injured party and tell your kids all about how unfair the judge/lawyers/their other parent is you yet again display powerless victimhood.

You are not the injured party here. Teaching your children that nobody cares what you (and by extension, they) want doesn't matter, is wrong. It sends the message that they don't matter. This is where the root of low self esteem can take hold and grow like a weed in the deepest parts of your child. Be aware of that. Slow yourself down. You are in panic mode and your fight/flight instinct has been activated. This moment is the reason you must, must, must have a therapist or other objective source in your life. Because you are so wrapped up in your own pain and anger you have lost the ability to be empathetic to your children and your Ex. The one you loved enough to marry in the first place.

Children should never have to lose anyone they love. They did not ask for a divorce, they have harmed no one.

They get to love everybody. Period. So put away your insecurities, anxieties, anger, hurt, humiliation, shame, and fears. Make decisions not out of emotion but out of logic and reason. Listen to your kids when they tell you what they want and do your best to make it happen even if it means they want to spend less time with you and more with your Ex. That's just what they need right now. It's not forever. Nothing is forever. Those kids are going to grow into adults and if you have kept them from their other parent and extended family, they are going to run right over there and never bother with you as soon as they can get away from you. They will see you as selfish, petty, and mean. They will distance themselves from you in order to get away from your controlling ways no matter how well intentioned you tell yourself you were. Ultimately, you will lose them.

Do yourself and you children a favor and allow yourself to move forward.

7 comments:

WoW - great post - and every single word is so true. I know it because I've seen it firsthand for years and my stepson has lost a lot of his childhood because of parental alienation. I came across your blog post through a group on Facebook and I just wanted to tell you that I REALLY wish I could print this whole post and send it to his mom - but people who really are alienating are so twisted that they are in complete denial - they would read this and never think twice that it's about THEM. It's so sad. All my husband and I can do is hope that our love will prevail - that he will see in the end we have loved him without end, even if his mom claims otherwise. Anyway, great post. Keep 'em coming!

except the kids don't go running back to the ex ...they continue on the poisoning towards their father with their kids (grandfather) My husband's children are now adults and look for ways to try to hurt him..I know we are there...never tried to poison them against there mother, always told them to communicate with her even when they were mad at her...wish it was the same for her...kids don't talk to my husband now blame me for everything and alienate our daughter (their half sister) from their lives as well...something has to be done about these parents!!!!!!!!

Amazing how this fits our situation. It literally breaks my heart to see my step children go through this. My husband has had full custody 3 years now, and that made BM so much worse than before. There isn't anything anyone can do... Talking to her, he gets laughed at and it doesn't stop, he gives her more time, no change there, and its never good enough. She once told my husband she wishes he would sign them over and disappear. This is so sad and so real.

And the sad bit... parents who are poisoning their children will probably read this and be unable to recognise this as their own behavior, instead they will point to the ex as the perpetrator of parental poisoning.

Angry Shrink

Who's That Angry Shrink?

Welcome! I am a therapist with my own private practice. I am so blessed to have the clients I have, the space I have, and the experiences I have had. Despite some of them giving me chronic heartburn and so... much... rage at the failures of a system built to protect the most vulnerable of citizens.