Wonderful start so far. Nice / fluff, I really like it. I hope though that it was your intention for the first chapter being quite superficial, so that you could move things forward to a certain point and will slow down now. Otherwise I would recommend to deepen things a little bit.

Everything else is really great. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. In fact I can hardly wait.

critmoThursday 19th May 2005 22:00

2: The Party (Author Response)

Chapter 1 is the setup, not much more than a prologue. And I think things have slowed down in chapter 2, haven't they?

Just one question ...
" Her nails are short, very well-kept. Neither
long claws like those of Lavender Brown's, nor bitten down like, uagh , Millicent Bullstrode's. Today she used a little clear nail polish. She doesn't use much make-up, that's nice too…. "

Do guys notice the finger nails of all the girls they know ... esp. the ones they are not interested in? :)

I think the translation is "through adversity to the stars." I know
this because it happens to be the Royal Canadian Air Force's motto, and
I'm an RCAF nut.

Cute story, by the way. I can't wait for the next chapter!

critmoThursday 19th May 2005 21:54

2: The Party (Author Response)

I'm not a native speaker of either Latin or English, but I think you'll be hard pressed to find the ONE translation.
Lat. "asperum" means something like "roughness", "craggedness", "unevenness", all of which are not a goid choice for a fluent translation. I also found "Through hardships to the stars". I think all those possibilities cover the basic idea: You'll make it, but "it's gonna be a bumpy ride!"
Thanks for r/r.

Well, well, well.
Your flowing style at the begining of this chapter was hard to follow. It flowed like a jar of molasses. In the winter. On a frozen lake.

But when you got to the dialogue and the party - you hit your stride and it came out great. Great work! I espeically like how this FEELS real, as opposed to some other fics out there. I mean, Harry's 16, not 45. Sometimes fic writers make him sound older. Gin too. But you didn't. Kudos.