Month: June 2018

We begin right after the battle of Forrester Valley. Both Rockson and Rona were knocked out by a stray exploding artillery shell. So after the battle slavers come looking for slaves among the survivors. They find a number including Rock and Rona. Rona being a beautiful woman is worth a lot of money and transported quickly away. The men are destined to be sold to the Nazis at Goeringrad. They are taken on a long march to weed out the weak. Rock is one of these men captured. He also has no memory of his past life because the explosion caused amnesia.

He makes the trek and is sold, branded as Joe 113 and assigned the garbage detail. This detail takes out the 200 slaves who die each day and dump them into the swamp. While Rock may have lost his memory he still hasn’t lost his spirit. He gets angry at the slaves and forces them to quit living in their filth and clean themselves. One night the slave he deposed as leader tries to kill him with a hammer. The blow to Rock’s head clears his mind and his memory returns. He stomps in the guy then organizes a revolt. He succeeds in recapturing Rona who is a prisoner of the Nazis. Seems they did some tests on her and declared her the reincarnation of Eva Braun the perfect Aryan woman. So the Nazis grovel and lick her boots in their worship but keep her a prisoner. Rock and Rona escape into the swamp but have to leave the others behind.

Well the swamp is the home of the Narga. The Narga are giant swamp muck creatures that were once half-dead slaves that the radiation in the swamp turned into creatures. Rock makes a deal with the leader Nitrogen Carnivore to lead them to the Nazi fortress so they can have their revenge. They make short work of the fortress eating the Nazis usually biting off the heads or stuffing them in feet first as they chew them down. So the slaves are free and Rock and Rona make it back to Century City.

When they get back they find the city in bad shape. The neutron bomb that went off did a lot of damage. Rock and his crew are assigned to get the power back on. The power is generated from the active volcano underneath the city. While there Rock and his men are set upon by ninjas sent by the Russians. With names like Tamatsu, C’hing Chow, The Smasher, Red Avenger, and White Fan. Well the team make short work of the ninjas in very gruesome detail.

So this book takes the tried and true plot of the main character having amnesia. A fairly sedate outing compared to the last books. The Russians must have a sense of humor to give their Nazi puppets their goofy religious beliefs. The way they would debase themselves with Rona who they declared a reincarnated goddess Eva Braun. Otherwise this the last of the goofy Soviet Nazis as they are wiped out. There is a subplot with Rahallah Rhawanda the servant of Premier Vasily keeping the aged leader alive with tribal magic so Killov can’t take over. An interesting tidbit we learn is Killov was born without testicles. Might explain his disposition.

Oh and speaking of testicles, there is this excellent description during the ninja fight. “Rockson shot in for the kill, slamming his knee up into the man’s groin and lifting him off the ground. The assassin screamed out as his testicles burst apart into a bloody sticky soup and dribbled down his legs.” Ouch! That is one nasty way to go. And here is another way he dispatched a ninja. “The face split open from chin to forehead in a gush of blood as the cracked frontal part of the skull exploded out in a spray of teeth and bone.” I suppose better that having your testicles turned to a soup. And finally the last one wanted to commit Seppuku and the guys were fine with that. So “He pulled in as hard as he could and began slicing around in all directions. Suddenly his neck stiffened and his head arched up as his intestines slopped out onto the cave floor. His eyes nearly bursting in their sockets he fell forward into the bloody pool of his own guts.”

Now his friend Detroit was the real bad ass. He had his arm cut off but still managed to grab the guy and break his neck with one hand. Now that is super bad-ass. I mean I wouldn’t have the presence of mind to continue on after getting my arm chopped off. Luckily Century City has a very advanced hospital that was able to reattach his arm.

Obviously the guys in this book went for more over the top descriptions in the violence than sex. In fact Rock only had sex with Rona two or three times and it didn’t go into any detail. Another fun escapist romp in the post-holocaust future America.

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So Ted Rockson and his companion Archer bail out of their stolen MIG fighter before it runs out of gas. They land in Lake Superior and have to fight off a giant sea creature. Home again and now they have a long hike to get back to Century City. The first obstacle is getting captured by a tribe of French-Canadian amazons. Beautiful women in furkinis that have a telepathic link to panthers. The two guys find out that these women capture men to breed with. They are given a viagra type substance and then forced to have sex with all these beautiful women. Rock knows that eventually their strength will give out and they will be fed to the panthers. Luckily the telepathic bond the tribe has with the panthers comes from the temple virgins. So all they have to do is devirginize the maidens which is no problem at all for our heroes. When they lose control of the panthers the two make their escape.

So later they come on a kooky little area of Iowa where everybody dresses like the Village People and react violently to any suggestion that contradicts the story of tornadoes destroying the world back in 1989. Rock just goes with the flow and wins a souped up ’83 Buick Roadmaster in a card game. Complete with front and rear machine gun controlled by a joystick. Yep definitely ’80’s tech. This comes in handy when they have to fight off a horde of car riding cannibals.

So they eventually make it back in time to find out that Rockson’s Moscow adventure has really stirred up a hornet’s nest. Premier Vassily is really angry at the loss of the advanced ICBM center and to regain face has sent over 250,000 Nazi troops to find and destroy Century City. Well I can see….What!!!!!!?????? Soviet Nazis??? That is really weird. Rock being the most awesome human to ever live is unfazed by the news. He organizes the defense of the city even thought they are outnumbered 5 to 1. Rock himself is equal to four Nazi so hey its probably even. The battle is joined at Forrester Valley. The Freefighters gain the element of surprise and cause great damage. But numbers threaten to overwhelm the brave Freefighters. Luckily the Glowers come to the rescue. Riding their sandships they use their telepathic abilities to bring out the Nazi soldiers greatest fear and this starts them killing each other. Killov is observing the battle and sends a strike of bombers to neutron bomb the whole area. Luckily the caravan bringing back the Technicians with all their black beam guns has arrived. They shoot down the bombers except one which successfully drops its bomb. Thus the Technicians and their advanced black beam weapons are destroyed. At the end Rock and Rona are knocked out by an exploding artillery shell from the fleeing Nazis.

Well this book had a lot going on. So the Soviets have revived the Nazi party in Germany so they could have a new army to use. I guess the ideology was slightly altered so the Soviets and Nazi are friends. That the evil Capitalist American’s caused a brief rift between the two during WWII. It was overcome during Stalingrad where the Soviets helped out the Germans. Otherwise all the racial Aryan purity and stuff is intact. Now I get it that Nazi are really good villains. Ignoring the history between Russia and Germany it is a little odd that the Russians would on purpose revive the Nazis party. What does that say about Germans if only Nazism can motivate them. This really breaks the goofy meter. On the plus side it looks like my native Wisconsin after the apocalypse will be filled with beautiful women who will kidnap you to have sex and feed you steak. Something positive to look forward to after a nuclear war.

So the other thing is Rockson’s sex live. Obviously he was having a ball in this book. When he finds out the purpose for his capture he attitude is OK. He did once again have a very brief flash of guilt over cheating on his one true love Kim. But he wisely rationalized it that he was a prisoner and a man has got to do what man has got to do. This guy is wise beyond belief. So when he gets back he also continues his affair with Rona. If Kim is his love than Rona is his faithful heart. What does that mean? Well it means that he will “release his load, shooting into her like a cannon firing white-hot lava.” Now there is an image you can’t get out of your mind. This was definitely one of the more fun books in the series.

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So it is that time of year and another Rifftrax Live is there to introduce summer. This one is the old classic Space Mutiny from the SyFy era of MST3k. First it warms up the audience with a short. This short is actually based on a story by H.G. Wells. Not your typical educational short or industrial promotion they usually do. Still the Magic Room was definitely an excellent choice. You wonder what old H.G. was smoking when he wrote this odd story. It is a man taking his son to a store called the Magic Room. In it is a strange guy who can what else perform magic. The dumpy kid is amused to no end by the magic antics as the father has a perpetual look of bored annoyance. So the proprietor takes them into the back room where all the good stuff is stored. He gives him a box with moving toy soldiers and teaches the brat how to use a magic wand. Which the kid causes all things to burst into flames. Then he performs a disappearing act which sees the little pork chop disappear. This causes the father to go nuts and while tearing up the place he is transported outside. He meet his son who is loaded down with packages. The shop is now a pizza place.

Our hero the beef cake Reb Brown.

So the movie starts after it’s hightech credits that must have been done on an old Commodore 64. We find ourselves in an episode of the old original Battlestar Galactica. But this is the Southern Sun a ship on its way to colonize some distant planet. It has been traveling for 13 generations and some are a little impatient. The chief enforcer Kalgan wants off the ship. His plan is for his fellow mutineers to take over the ship and sell the people into slavery to space pirates. So during a pirate attack by Cylon ships he blows up the launch elevator to trap everyone inside. But not before some women known as Valerians manage to land. Also the hero Ryder the beefy guy in a silver tanktop manages to beam onboard but losses his passenger some important professor.

We need more Kalgan.

Well the ship is run by a guy who looks like Santa Clause and wears a silver muumuu. He has a daughter who is way too old to go prancing around in such a short skirt. Well the beefcake and daughter manage to lead the crew to victory over the evil Kalgan. Along the way there are two golf cart chases. Valarians with Spencer gift globes that have some mystical power which isn’t really explained or for that matter what the hell their purpose was to the plot. Endless battles with masked snowmobilers before the evil Kalgan is dispatched in a fiery golf cart crash. Or his he?

Captain Santa Claus.

This movie had to have been my favorite MST3K episode so I was glad they decided to do this movie. I remember actually renting this way back when. Got it from the local Sentry and it was a fun time waster for a lazy Sunday afternoon.

skanky heroine in a eighties in space moment.

Filmed in 1988 South Africa during the Apartheid regime. Something that was frowned on but still many glorious bad movies were filmed by someone looking to make a cheap buck. The movie budget seems to have been spent on stock footage from Battlestar Galactica. John Phillip Law who played Kalgan is always going around like he wants to pop his skull out of his skin. I never seen such scene chewing in my entire life.

Hero having a screaming fit.

And the endless chases with the fearsome Enforcer golf carts in what looks like some kind of power or water treatment plant in space. This is a classic gem in the history of bad science fiction movies.

Dangerous golf carts in space.

Henchman who looks like Ed Grimley.

Crippled henchman who gets burned alive.

Coming up next the classic Krull in August.

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Ted Rockson is on his way back home with the President, his daughter Kim and Mountainman Ed. First the run into a freak tidal wave of radioactive goo that was spewed out of the Earth. Taking shelter on a plateau they have to fight a huge lizard. Unfortunately Mt. Ed gets his head bitten off before Rockson can kill the creature. So the three survivors make it back to the site of the convention. Here Rock finds his team looking for them. The happy reunion is short lived as a patrol of Soviet helicopters finds them. Rock with Archer manages to lead them away and take out about half the force. The other half manage to capture the two.

At first Rock is tortured but the message comes from The Grandfather premier Vassily that Rock and his companion are to be sent to Moscow. So on the next plane the two find themselves in the capital of the worldwide Red empire. A place run down and decadent. Slaves are always being crucified and there are daily gladiator contests. Vassily wants to negotiate a peace with the rebels. His empire is collapsing and he hopes to divert forces to other spots. Rock is plied with beautiful women and food as he pretends to negotiate. At the first opportunity him and Archer escape and make their way into the subways and the dissidents. The dissidents call themselves the jazzmen and talk like beatniks. Lead by Yuri Goodman they are armed with sonic musical instruments that can kill.

Rock and Archer are later captured and sentenced to the gladiatorial arena. He is given the duo-blade the strange knife on the cover and has to fight the Black Menace. A genetically created gladiator from Africa with three arms. Rock wins and leads a revolt that kills all the decadent bureaucrats in the audience. His rebel gladiators hook up with the jazzmen and they attack the advanced satellite complex that controls the Soviets ICBMs and particle beam satellites. They destroy it and Rock after stealing a tank then steals a MIG fighter and with Archer flies back to America.

So in this one Rock is captured and taken to Moscow. Here he meets the premier and has some wacky adventures. This guy is really talented. He can drive tanks and fly fighter craft with is an amazing skill considering he is guerrilla fighter without access to any of this equipment. The Soviets are like the Roman empire. They crucify slaves and put them up along an avenue. They have elaborate gladiator games and some far out dissidents. The authors must have been beatniks because this is the second time a group of beatnik type survivors are encountered. A strange type to be about 100 years after the apocalypse.

And we can’t forget the kooky sex in this book. Rock and Archer get some beautiful women presented to them while captive. Archer being a bit shy and inexperienced because he is a big hairy mute mountainman who doesn’t get around much before meeting Rockson. Rock has a why not attitude. There is a brief, very brief moment where he thinks of his one true love Kim and feels guilty. But he has had a stressful time with being tortured and beat up. He really needs this relaxation and is sure Kim would understand. And if not well she won’t know about it. This guy is really wise and does have a point.

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Ted Rockson is out on a salvage mission. When they decide to check out a cave they find it filled with mutant Blood Spiders. Luckily Rock and his friend Detroit manage to kill them but not before one bits Rock. Taken back in time to Century City he is saved using his mutant mental powers with modern surgery. Good for him since the ReConstitutional Convention is coming up. Delegates from the free cities will go and form a new government and elect a President. Naturally Rock is one of the four with Chen and two civilians. As they travel to Wyoming one gets killed by an earthquake and they are almost eaten by mutant millipedes. Fortunately the rest of the Rock Squad followed and saves them.

So after a brief run in with a tribe of amazon women called the Barbarahs. Rock escapes with a captured member. The tribe apparently captures men and rape them for their ability to procreate. Then when they are drained of sperm they are beheaded, the bodies fed to the sacred flame and the heads mounted on sticks around their church. The captive woman wants Rock to impregnate her and he figures what the hell. He doesn’t want this unique culture to go extinct. So they make it to the convention. Rock gets to hook up with Kim the daughter of the leading candidate for President. The ReConstitutional Convention elects Charles Langford. Unfortunately the convention was infiltrated by a KGB agent posing as the mountain man Charlie Whiskers. Rock and the others flee before the KGB drops a neutron bomb on the location.

Rock survives thanks to being rescued and nursed back to health by Mountain Man Ed. Mt. Ed for short. He helps Rock look for his friends and finds out that the Glowers a mysterious race of mutants on their flying ships took Kim and President Langford. So off the two go. They have to fight only 50 Russian paratroopers which they defeat with ease until they find the Glowers. The Glowers are descendants of American astronauts who were on a space station during the war. The radiation combined with waves in space created the unique mutations. The Glowers have an empathic link to all life. They manage to save Langford and with the help of Rock’s mutant abilities he saves Kim. The four leave with a promise that the Glowers will help in their time of great need.

Well another entry in the saga of the Doomsday Warrior. Here we get the formation of a new government of the ReUnited States of America. Things are looking good but those damn Russkies are still at it. Killov is sinking into further insanity. A failed assassination attempt by President Zhabanov with the support of Premier Vassily has the guy further paranoid. He also now plays with dolls of his hated enemies: Rockson, Vassily, his servant Rahallah and Zhabanov. Plus we also get an introduction to the Glowers who we have only heard rumors about in the previous books.

Rockson is apparently madly in love with Kim Langford and she with him. But he still bangs his old girlfriend Rona back in Century City. A also has sex with the amazon tribeswoman. He feels a little guilty about it but rationalizes it that he is helping a unique culture from going extinct. A culture that captures men, rapes them and kills them. Yup that sound worth saving. I love this guys rationalizations. So I will leave with a passage from that encounter to illustrate the eloquence of this writing.

She rubbed up against him like a cat, moaning and writhing against his hard flesh. She pulled him down to the cool Earth, atop a thick cushion of green moss, and reached for his manhood, guiding it between her open legs. She let out a loud hiss as it entered, biting his shoulder through the skin, and wrapping her long,firm legs around his back. She ground up and down on his staff of living flesh, moving harder and harder until almost out of control-wriggling and slamming against him. Her long nails dug into Rock’s back and ripped razorlike cuts that just penetrated the skin down to his waist. Rock didn’t know if he was fucking or fighting-but he went with it-with this wild creature of the night. She grew more and more frantic and then came to her peak. Her eyes flared like a burst of golden fire and she opened wide for him so he could go into her very core-penetrate her deepest tunnel. The she came with an ear-shattering scream, her body arching and contracting in powerful spasms. Rock felt his own desire reach its culmination and let out an explosion of molten fire that rocketed up into her center. She screamed again and swooned as the staff plunged to its fullest depth. Then her head fell to the side and she was totally silent.