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Sunday, September 25, 2011

Happy Monday! Well, almost Monday. I'm jumping ahead a bit since I'm actually looking forward to this next week.

I was feeling pretty down last week but some lovely people (and one lady in particular) know how to get me out of a funk. I needed to snap out of it but I was in a "woe is me" sort of frame of mind. Damn that fat chick. Slowly whispering her poison words in my ear. Damn me for falling for it again!

She tried to make me feel insignificant. She tried to make me believe I am a failure. Well I showed her!

I lost weight again. Will you look at that! I'm only 6 pounds away from being halfway to my big goal! I weighed in at almost 18.5 stone and I'm almost at 17 stone! What's a stone you ask? A pound is about .0714 stone. I'd just flat out say my weight but to be honest, it grosses me out. So at this point you'll either have to do the math if you're not familiar with units of mass that are used outside the U.S, or just take my word that I'm fat and my current weight indicates a significant improvement. While it may not seem like a lot of success to you all, I'm just pleased the number is getting smaller instead of bigger. I was (and still am) terrified that starting school would result in convenience eating, a return to poor nutrition, and a freshman-15 weight gain. If the fat chick who is the visualization of my negative self image had her way, I'd be blubbering on the couch about how I just want to be happy. She'd want me to bake a cake because cake makes everything better. She's partially right, cake is magical, but also calorie laden. She'd want me to ask my husband to pick up take-out because I'm too busy studying. Too busy to cook? Maybe this fat chick doesn't know me as well as she lets on? She'd also not want me to blog. The fat chick I see in the mirror wants me to be dependent upon her for all forms of validation. She wants me to be lonely, fat, and without hope.

The fat chick forgot one thing though. I really do hate that chick and I really do want to kick her butt.

Monday, September 12, 2011

I've always been the girl with one good friend. The sort of friend who would drop everything and drive 1500 miles in the middle of the night just because I called and said I needed her. I've never had a lot of real friends. I mean... I know a lot of people and would totally stop to chat for a minute if we met on a city street, but they're not the sort of friends that call me or throw me a party or hug me when I'm down. A year ago, just before my birthday, my best girl friend left me. I've come to grips with the fact that she must not have been a very good friend and I'm probably better without someone in my life that constantly takes and takes without ever giving back. But it broke my heart. Not that it's a terrible thing at all, but I feel like I'm missing something with only my husband on my list of real live friends. He's a sweetheart, but he just doesn't take the place of that great friend. After all, it's not like I can complain about silly things my husband does when my sounding board IS my husband.

I've been in denial. I've been filling that missing place in my heart with busy-work. I was studying anatomy today (and made a kick-butt PowerPoint about the skeletal system) and tried to figure out if there was a physiological reason for how I've been feeling lately.

This picture I took:

It made me realize that I've just been a shell of my former self lately. I'm all structure with no substance. I'm terribly, terribly, lonely. It's gotten to the point that I have begun to devalue myself more than the ever present fat chick inside was ever able to do. I've even been avoiding online friends. I feel like I don't want to bother them, bring them down, or assume a level of friendship that perhaps they don't feel like reciprocating. I just don't want to be a bother. I need a friend. I need someone I can call at midnight if I can't sleep and then argue with over whether any of the chicks on the Real Housewives shows have real boobs, or laugh about some random happening of the day that isn't that funny but is hilarious to us.

I feel terrible because my husband tries so hard and is such a wonderful man who I think would try to find a way to fix any problem if I asked him to. But I need more. I'm a social person and I haven't had a heart to heart conversation with another person in a while. No girl talk. No spa days for manicures. No drinks and pie after a chick-flick. I am so lonely it hurts. The only conversation I have had today, was with my cats and they were no help at coming up with a game plan for studying for my upcoming exam on Wednesday. In fact, my limited knowledge of cat-language gave me the impression that Charley thinks I should attempt to learn by osmosis and just sleep on my book, and Lucy just expressed her distaste for science by licking her butt.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

But I don't even care. That makes me sad. I should be all YAY I'M LOSING WEIGHT!!!!!! but instead i really can't even get motivated enough to celebrate. I'd rather just sit here on the couch and... well... sit. It's around seven pm on Saturday and my poor husband hasn't been fed dinner. I don't even really care. It's not like he's going to starve. He'll fend for himself if need be. The kicker? I'M hungry and can't be bothered to make anything. So yes, I am depressed.

It's not a dire sort of depression as of yet. I'm still here enough to recognize the problem and I'm pretty sure I could snap myself out of this round of it. I'm gonna try anyway. I've made a hair appointment for Tuesday. I hate to spend money on myself. Hate it. If it will make me feel beautiful, it'll be worth the cost. Heck, the scalp massage is worth the cost. While I'm there, I shall peruse their OPI nail polish selection and bring something pretty home to do my nails with. Maybe something festive! I wish I could find this:

It's OPI's color called "The Rainbow Connection" that's coming out along with the new Muppets movie in November. I want it. Doesn't it just look like a bottle full of happy? Of course, I'll probably have talked myself out of spending money by then.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Yes. The excessive punctuation in the title was completely necessary. This is a giant ol' WTF post.

I lost another pound. I'm not doing a darn positive thing different this week from last week. In fact, because classes started I've been naughty and picked back up my ginger ale habit. So why did I lose weight? I haven't been losing pounds at all in weeks and then this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset by the loss itself. I'm upset since obviously I still don't understand how my body works. I need a math problem. This one is good:

But it's basic. There is so much more to it. otherwise I'd have already hit my weight goal. I am SO sick of being fat and just want straightforward and 100% accurate advice. Is there and honest to God, "exercise+willpower(my fat butt/calories less)=weightloss" formula out there somewhere? What am I missing?

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About Me

I'm trying to reshape my life by reshaping my body. The journey isn't easy, I'm trying to get strong enough, and all I really want to do is to destroy that fat chick that I see in the mirror each day. She's not real. She's not me. I want her gone.