The Goat restaurant must be kidding

This restaurant, bar and club is well named; everything about it got my goat.

We’re still taking off coats yet our waitress is handing out menus and asking if we’ll be having wine.

When we discover a piece of hard plastic in an otherwise well-made bresaola and pesto pizza, a waiter simply asks: ‘What is it?’ (We do eventually get a ‘sorry’, half the price of the pizza refunded and a free dessert).

Tables are crammed into the awkward ground-floor space so that you’re chair back to chair back with your fellow diners.

Food ranges from a delicious board of ﬁnocchiona (Tuscan fennel salami) to a drab, under-seasoned ‘Sicilian’ beef salad that appears to be a pillow pack of mixed leaves drenched in lemon juice and topped with diced tomato and slivers of meat.

A peanut butter cheesecake with lavender has the texture of old Play-Doh, the appearance of an abandoned mattress and the aroma of your granny’s knicker drawer.

A meal for two, with wine, water and service costs around £100. 333 Fulham Road, SW10. www.goatchelsea.com