Baby Press Corps

A solemn celebrity, JAKE PARKER, walks up to a podium, assisted by his handler, MALCOLM.

JAKE
Good morning. I’m here today before you to address the recent rumors around my arrest. It’s time to put an end to rumors. It’s true I’ve been unfaithful to my lovely wife, Betty. There is no excuse for my behavior and I am here to admit to these mistakes. What I did was selfish, unconscionable, and inexcusable. I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to my family, my sponsors, and my fans. I just want to say that I’m really, really…

Jake gets emotional and hands his head and begins to sob. A distinct whine begins to emanate from the crowd. A child’s hand is waving above reporter’s heads.

TIMMY (waving his arm)
UNghhhhhh….Mr. Pawker, Mr. Pawker!

Jake immediately recomposes himself.

JAKE
Please hold all questions until after my prepared statement.

Jake begins to sob again.

TIMMY
But…but…but…Mr. Pawwwwkerrrr….

JAKE again recomposes himself.

JAKE
Yes, you, what is your question.

TIMMY
Hi. My name is Timmy Denton. I work for Nickelodeon news. I am this old.

TIMMY holds up five fingers.

TIMMY
Ahem. Mr. Pawkeerrr, what did you do? Was it bad? This is making me sad.

JAKE
Timmy, I’m here to apologize for the bad thing. I acted without regard for others. I didn’t even know she was a prostitute.