Conservative common sense with the volume set at 9!

HEADLINES: 4/28/2018

PRESIDENT CLINTON DEFENDS “AMCARE” – President Hillary Clinton, speaking at the annual BFD (Brotherhood of Federal Doctors) union convention, defended “AmCare”, the one-year old nationalized health care system. Fending off complaints about the elimination of heart surgery units and cancer clinics, President Clinton said, “If we had not cut off services for citizens over the age of 60, we would not be able to provide care for our 180 million underprivileged and unemployed new immigrants.” Clinton won a landslide victory in November 2016, with 99.6% support from minority and immigrant voters, who swelled the polls after the Supreme Court ruled that requiring voters to register is unconstitutional.

BIKE LANES TO REPLACE MOST HIGHWAYS BY JULY – Transportation Reduction Czar Al Gore announced yesterday the Dept. of Transportation Reduction will seize control of all U.S. bike manufacturing companies this summer, and will begin providing free bicycles for public use at all AmTrak locations. Since fossil fuel use was banned, concerns have mounted that only the wealthiest Americans and government employees will be able to travel more than a mile from their homes. The planned expansion of AmTrak electric train service has been stalled due to the inability to get repair parts transported to the many windmills which have become inoperative. Gore, in a bold move, plans to convert unused highways across the country for bicycle use. “In fulfillment of our United Nations Agenda 21 commitment to ICLEI years ago, we will soon be a totally carbon-free nation,” Gore said.

BRAZIL PLEDGES FOOD AID TO U.S. – With 73% of Americans receiving food vouchers from the federal government, and farm production cut by two-thirds due to the fossil fuel ban, the food shortage in the United States has reached crisis pitch. A coalition of South American nations, basking in their newfound wealth from development of liquefied natural gas and off-shore oil drilling, have offered to subsidize President Hillary Clinton’s AmFood program on humanitarian grounds, but only if austerity measures are put in place. Vice-president Brian Schweitzer has been charged with heading up a task force to determine how food resources can be fairly distributed, and will provide his findings to the Food Utilization (FU) board this fall.

EDUCATION CZAR ACCUSED OF HUNTING – Al Franken, director of AmTeach, the federal education system, is under investigation by the DUH (Dept. of Urban Helplessness) after it was revealed that Franken owns a cabin hidden deep in the mountains of Montana. Accused of possessing a gun and shooting wild game for food during the 8-month government holiday recess, Franken said, “I was just doing research.”

BLOGGER DEFIES MANDATORY RETIREMENT – Blogger Tom Balek, a long-time critic of the expansion of government and defender of the Constitution, vowed to continue his work, despite having long passed the mandatory bloggers’ retirement age of 50. “People ask me why, at age 64, I’m still blogging,” Balek said in a recent interview. “It’s the money, man. I just can’t resist making all that money.”