Can Interventions Help with Codependency?

How can I convince my parents to stop enabling my brother? He is an alcoholic and he has never really had a job that he can stick with for longer than a few months. He is in his 30s now but he still acts like a child and relies on my parents for everything. They still pay the rent on his apartment so any money he makes he can pretty much just spend it all on alcohol, but even with that he still managed to get evicted for taking that rent money for a couple of months and pouring it down his throat. He was the life of the party in his teens and early 20s, but now all his friends have moved on and he just stays at home alone and drinks by himself.

My parents just can’t bear to see him face the consequences of what he’s doing to himself. But how is he ever going to stop when he has this easy life, and my parents are also getting older. What’s going to happen to him when he’s in his 40s and all of a sudden there is no one around to take care of his every need. They need to stop treating him like a child and he needs to man up and start taking care of his own self. He is smart and big and strong and there is no reason why he can’t take care of himself. I am so frustrated because I have worked so hard on him to try to get him to take some responsibility for himself and to try to get him to drink less but I feel like my efforts are just so totally undermined by my parents so it’s just all a waste of time.

Dr. James Strawbridge Says...

You can hardly be involved with an alcoholic/addict these
days without hearing the term “enabling.” What does it mean? Simply that those
who live and/or work with addiction people tend to adapt in such a way that
they make it easier for them---indeed enable them---to continue their substance
abuse. Parents, family member, and spouses can fit into this category. They take
over the responsibilities of the sick individual, make allowances, forgive
unforgivable behavior, and continue trying to be loving and caring in the face
of abuse of the alcohol. Parents close their eyes to this and other suspicious
behavior, hand out generous allowances, and write absence notes for questionable
behavior.

Why do people do this? Not, oddly enough for the benefits of
the sick person---enabling harms the alcoholic/addicts. They enable in order to
meet their own needs. It’s an attempt to reestablish the relationship, to
counter growing alienation, to lure the alcoholic/addict back into the relationship
by providing a counter force to the alcohol or other drugs that seem to be tugging
the other away. Although this tactic may work very effectively to draw an
alienated but non-addicted family member back into the fold, it is ineffective
and actually counterproductive when used with victims of alcoholism/addiction.
Enabling poor— quality glue. It not only doesn't succeed at keeping at keeping
the family, or friendship together, it allows the disease to progress to a more
serious stage and worsens the prognosis for a good recovery.

Intervention

What can you do in the situation you have described? Stage
an intervention.

An intervention is group meeting at which family, closed
friends, and possibility a professional try to persuade an alcoholic that he
has a problem and should seek help. The intervention should stress the
importance of the family’s needs, allowing family members to ventilate their
feelings and frustrations with a supportive group present to help them make
their case. But it is not a time to beat up on the alcoholic, to punish or get
even. Its purpose is to help, out of love and concern.

An estimated nine our of ten interventions succeed in
getting the alcoholic into treatment. But even those that don’t succeed give
family members the feeling that, no matter what happens, at least they tried.

A really successful interventions helps not only the alcoholic
but those around him. It stresses the importance of their needs and persuades
them that, whether or not the goal of getting their loved one into treatment is
met, they need to change their own lives. It can also be therapeutic, since it
affords a forum in which they can finally tell the alcoholic how they’ve been
hurt by his drinking alcohol, allowing them to ventilate their feeling and
frustrations with the supportive group present to help make their case.

Who should
participate?

Those people who are closest to the dependent person and the
most influential. This could include close family members, close friends, a
cleargyperson, and doctor. Bring in those outside the family. Bringing in those
outside the family helps by making clear that knowledge of the problem and
concern about it have spread. The group should large (4-7) to have an impact
and show there is some interest and power behind the effort.Avoid asking anyone whom you suspect has a drinking problem
of his or her own.

The Intervention

There are usually nine
basic steps.

Make a list of all
potential participants’

Contact a professional who
is experienced at conducting interventions. To find one ask for referrals
from AA or Al-Anon friends, an addiction specialist, a local treatment
cent (but no one you intend to use, since this could represent a conflict
of interest). The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM), or a
local alcohol awareness council. Before agreeing to hire the professional,ask
about the cost and manner of payment, and check his or her credentials and
approach. Talk to the professional in person and try to gauge if he or she
comes across as loving, compassionate way and will be able to direct
family energy constructively. Avoid someone with a punitive militant approach.
Ask for a couple of references.

Arrange a preliminary planning
and education meeting , It will be helpful to have the professional there
to explain how the intervention will work. Family members should be advised
to attend one or more Al-Anon meeting before the intervention, so that
they will better understand their own feelings the alcoholics and the
disease they are dealing with.

Have everyone who will attend
the intervention make a list of situations where they were hurt by the
drinking behavior. Each incident should be a first hand incident
accompanied by the following information: when it took place; where it
took place; what the behavior was; how it related to alcohol; what was
wrong with it (embarrassing, dangerous, and so on); and how it made the
person recounting the story feel. When possible, be specific and about the
amounts of alcohol consumed. Use recent incidents rather than those that
could be dismissed as “ancient history.”

Get the facts on treatment.

Hold a rehearsal meeting.

Set up the intervention.

Do your lifesaving work

Do your lifesaving work calmly (as much as possible) have each
participant list and describe the events that have been damaging to work,
family, health, safety, and so on. Reading the prepared text or index card notes
will reduce anxiety and make certain that nothing important is omitted. The
attitude should not be vindictive, but rather sorrowful. Love and concern should
be constantly emphasized. When everyone is finished, ask, “Is this the way you
want to live your life?”

Clearly spell out the consequences to follow if help isn’t sought---but
only if you are really ready to follow through on them.

Outcomes

In the vast majority of cases, when an intervention is carefully
planned and well executed, the person being addressed agrees to get help.

Where to get help: The regional
alcohol and Drug Awareness Resources Network (RADAR) works in partnership with the National
Clearinghouse for alcohol and drug information (NCADI) and consists of state
clearing organizations, and others . Each RADAR Network member offers a variety
of information services. Contact the office in your state and, as needed, any specialized
center