(Closed) New here…bear with me for a little!

Hi everyone,I’m new here,and I thought I would ask everyone’s opinion on something that’s really bugging me..it’s a long story,but I’ll try to be as short as possible.I’ll add that I’m 28 and my bf is 36.

I got married at 21 with a guy I met at 16 and started dating at 18.He was my first and only everything up until January.We had some communication problems,especially about the fact that he couldn’t have children.Anyway,I thought we could work it out and we went to a counselor,but in fact he had already given up and was cheating on me.He threw me out at 2 am in mid January,after 10 years togther and almost 6 of marriage.

After the inital shock wore off,to get myself to feel a little better and more confident (as you can imagine,my self confidence was under my feet at that point),I started to go out on casual dates after about a month.It was obviously nothing serious,but I met quite a few people,had experiences I missed when I was younger and in the end I had fun.One of the guys I met on a dating site is currently my boyfriend.We met in early march,and went out casually a few times between the beginning of march and mid-april,then I slowed it down because I was extremely messed up with work and my mother (another story for another day),and also because I was growing a bit tired of just going out for the sake of it.We kept on talking,chatting and generally being friends.In late may we started to see each other again,and it started to become every saturday,then the whole weekend.I wasn’t even going home anymore,when I got out of work I jumped on the train and made the 1 1/2 hr trip to his city and stayed there the whole weekend.He was buying kitchen appliances,my things,included a toothbrush,were scattered around his house..By the end of June,I told him that I didn’t really felt like just going on like that without knowing where we stood.Were we a couple?Were we fwb?We both agreed that there was a lot of affection,but not really love at that moment,but that we would try to see how things would go as a couple.

We went on vacation together.He met my family,I met his.I’m actually the first woman in his life that he ever took to meet his parents.I live at his house right now,and he’s taking care of me while I’m searching for any job (difficult moment right now,horrible time to find yourself jobless) I might find.We got twin kitties from a shelter.He’s exactly what I never knew I wanted,and everything I need in a man.He’s sweet,caring and thoughtful without being,how can I say,less manly for that.He show me he cares in a million ways everyday.He’s always here for me,but doesn’t baby me.He lets me know he’s by my side always,but he also let me make my own way out of things.He’s great with communication,and that is a big one for me,seeing as my marriage ended because my ex wouldn’t communicate.In fact,we already talked about the issue I’m having,but since we are still at the beginning,I was shy to push it further.Anyway,we haven’t told each other what we feel now yet,but I fell in love with him,and while I don’t want to delude myself,I think he might be feeling the same way.I mean,a man wouldn’t buy furnitures that he only needs because I now live here,or get pets with someone,if they weren’t feeling something,right?

Coming onto the issue,we met on a dating site.I since took down my profile,but I have a friend who has a profile on the same site.While we were on vacation in august,I noticed that he still has the app for that site on his phone,and that he would log in when he gets a notification.He did that while we were strolling together,and hasn’t tried to hide it,but it bothered me quite a lot.That night,I calmly talked to him about it,he laughed and was very sweet about it.He told me he wanted me to tell him anytime something was bothering me,ebcause we have to talk about things to make it work,and that he’s not using it,just logging in to get the notifications to disappear.He asked if I wanted him to cancel the app from his phone,and I stupidly said no.I really really wanted to say yes,but I didn’t wanted to be that girl,the one who tells her boyfriend what he can’t or cannot do.Also,I guess that for me it has no meaning that he would do that because I asked it…I think he should be doing that on his own,because he doesn’t want to be there anymore,not because I asked him to.Anyway,things went smoothly up until today.My friend that still has a profile sent me a message and said she sees him online about once every 10 days/2 weeks.She apologized to me and said that she was so pissed by this that she sent him a message about 10 days ago.She kept apoligizing,saying she kenw she shouldn’t have,but she’s my childhood friend and I guess she was worried about me knowing what I went through.She said he was online again today,looked at her profile (he doesn’t know her),but hasn’t answered her message.I got pretty bummed by this.Now,I know that trust issues are my problem,because I got cheated on,and in fact I’m trying my best not to get paranoid and not to take it out on him.I actually trust him very much,and I’m not bothered by his logging him because I think he might be cheating..it’s just the fact alone that he feels he needs to still have that profile that hurts me.I know I’m being paranoid,I just can’t understand how paranoid I am being,if I should just,once and for all,get over this and just let it be because it’s just my problem,or if I can maybe talk to him about it.And how can I talk about it without sounding like a crazy girlfriend?He isn’t giving me any reason to doubt him,he’s not hiding me or anything,he just keep logging on this site every once in a while,and that alone is enough to bug the hell out of me.Oh,that and the fact that he still has single as his fb status…while there are pics of us on there.I feel crazy.

@Comealongpond: He needs to cancel the dating app if you guys have establish where you are going with this, and I assume you have if you’re living with him. FB is a whole other thing, and I wouldn’t be up in arms about that, but the dating app yes. It doesn’t sound like he frquents it a lot or is really all that serious, but if you love someone else why would you even need to see who else is there?

I would keep a close eye on him. Don’t stalk him or snoop, but I would be careful with this one a little bit. Yeah, maybe he didn’t try to hide it, but that almost seems like more of an insult to show you that he’s looking at other girls.

@Comealongpond: geez I think he is still shopping around and no you’re not paranoid . I would Find a job and move outta there. Have a conversation with him about the status if your relationship are you exclusive? Will you ever be? Ask questions girl

@Comealongpond: I think since you brooched the subject once, and it went so well, AND he told you to always talk to him when something is bothering you, it would be in YOUR best interest to brooch the subject again.

I think what he told you the first time seems legit. He is going on to delete notifications. I think that seems more prominent to me because your friend stated he is on every 10 days/2 weeks, and after she messaged him, he viewed her profile, and has not messaged her back. Maybe I am wrong on this assessment. Maybe he is keeping his options ‘open’, but a part of me feels he is just being dense with the whole situation too. I.e., he has not deleted the app because he has not thought about it as being an issue….type of thing.

If you live there, if you are happy, if you truly feel like he is honest, and a good man, and is not cheating, then those are all good instincts to keep intact. I feel that when a person has legit suspicions it is because their instincts are telling them to be concerned. Being bothererd that his profile has not been deleted is normal, for what it is worth, but you do not seem to truly believe that he is straying, which is a good thing.

You came into this relationship with emotional ‘baggage’ from your past marriage. The hardest thing to do for so many of us is to not project past hurts into current situations. Especially when trust is involved. I believe that WHEN you talk to him, he will delete the app, but be honest in telling him that is what you want. I do not think that is being ‘crazy’. Good luck, and welcome to the hive!

thank you everyone when he got home from work he noticed I wasn’t ok right away,even though I did my best to look normal.Anyway, he asked me to tell him what was bothering me that much,and in the end I told him everything.I’m pretty sure by his reaction that he was quite pissed by my friend looking at his online activity,but he was absolutely amazing.He said I’m right,that my feelings are normal and he understands,and that he will cancel the profile.By that point I was in tears (as usual lol)and I told him that I don’t want him to cancel it just because I want that,if that’s not what he realy wants because for me,him deleting his page only because I asked wouldn’t really mean anything.He said that’s not the point,he’s obviosly the one who has to decide,and he decided he doesn’t want to do anything that can make me feel paranoid or hurt me anymore.He also said again that he was just logging in to delete the messages he gets and the notifications,and that he hasn’t talked to anyone,or looked for anyone.I believe this completely.I just have this feeling I can trust him.I trusted my ex husband completely for our whole relationship,but I had this nagging feeling in my belly that something wasn’t right twice…and both time something was actually up,so I learned to trust my instinct on this.Thank you again everyone for your opinions and advice! 🙂