SATIRE ASSASSINATED!

Native Bay View scholar in local Siegfried’s Continental Café disconsolately reacted to news that Satire was likely assassinated by the terrorist group Existential Dread. PHOTO John Ansel Quincy Adams O’Keeffe

In the largest coordinated panic attack on United States soil since Michael Jordan announced his early retirement to take up a career in baseball, dozens were assassinated yesterday including Satire. Terrorist group Existential Dread has claimed responsibility.

Satire, a beloved and hard-working fixture in the entertainment industry, was known for her biting wit and consistently intellectual approach to comedy.

The assassination occurred yesterday in New York City, where Satire was reportedly in talks with producers to costar in a movie about a reality television personality who was accidentally elected President of the United States.

Satire, after a long lunch, was walking into the office building that houses her talent agent, witnesses said, when a large black van pulled up with at least four men, who opened fire with automatic weapons. Satire was pronounced dead at the scene, as were two of her long-time writing partners, Parody and Irony.

The black van and the gunmen inside are still at large, authorities said during a grim press conference. “At this time, we have no information about the identity or location of the assassins,” a Federal Bureau of Investigation spokesman said.

The FBI became involved in the shooting when additional attacks unfolded several hours after the first attack. The spokesman explained, “Once it became clear this was a widespread and deadly panic attack, it fell under the purview of the FBI and our panic task force.”

The task force, known as the Joint Serious-Work and Intense-Focus Team, or JSWIFT, coordinates law-enforcement efforts of more than a dozen agencies. The investigation is likely to be lengthy and already involves investigations on both coasts and in the Midwest.

In a devastating dirty-bomb attack in Chicago, offices of the popular publication The Onion were completely destroyed and most of its staff killed.

Chicago-based National Public Radio program Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me was also hit in the blast, leaving host Peter Sagal in a stupor.

Radiation from the Chicago dirty bomb spread far enough to permanently incapacitate popular online personalities, including John Fugelsang and @pourmecoffee.

Word from New York is Lorne Michaels is considering putting Saturday Night Live on hiatus, and that he has already sent Alec Baldwin into hiding in ‘Canada.’

Assassins’ bullets also killed popular late night talk-show hosts Stephen Colbert, Samantha Bee, and John Oliver. All began their careers on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show. They were very closely tied to Satire and her enduring popularity.

It has been reported that Bee and her staff fought and killed several of the attackers — they are just that badass ­— but even so, they were unable to withstand the onslaught of the anti-Satire forces.

John Oliver fans have been leaving plaid shirts in his memory outside of the HBO studio where he was murdered.

Bill Maher, also of HBO, has reported no attempts on his life. “I’ve been standing here in the middle of Sunset Boulevard all day,” he said, “and everyone is just swerving around me. Teslas, Priuses, Jags, all of them. It’s like they don’t even see me.”

In the same vein, Andy Borowitz told The New Yorker he was able to stay safe in that magazine’s offices because anti-Satire forces had likely never heard of him. “Do you know who reads The New Yorker?” he asked. “Do you know who shares my writing on Facebook?”

“No, seriously,” Borowitz continued. “It’s only like 16 people and I would like tomeet them.”

Mad Magazine issued a statement indicating the publication expected to be attacked 13 months from now.

Within an hour of the brutal killing, Existential Dread released a video on its YouTube channel claiming credit.

“Satire no longer has a role to play in this country’s dialogue,” the statement said. “Her real-life death today makes manifest what we have all known for some time — Satire wasn’t funny anymore.”

Jon Stewart, generally regarded as the impetus for Satire’s revival in 2003, is reportedly making preparations to deliver numerous eulogies over the coming weeks.

He has been criticized for retiring from The Daily Show in 2015 at a crucial moment in American history. Some have said his inability to take action at the time by leveling his caustic wit at Existential Dread led to yesterday’s carnage.

Satire will be remembered not only for her recent work with Stewart, Oliver, and others, but for a long career dating back to ancient Egypt and perhaps to earlier times. Anthropologists have suggested that a European cave painting from about 40,000 years ago showing a rudimentary stick figure crawling to shore on a small desert island with a lone palm tree may be the first known instance of Satire’s work.

Satire’s later successful work includes collaborations with such luminaries as Voltaire, Thomas Nast, H. L. Mencken, and Mike Judge, whose film Idiocracy was the rumored inspiration for a new project Satire was working on.

Anyone who has any information on Existential Dread that could lead to arrests in these attacks should immediately contact authorities at 800-FBI-INFO (800-324-4636).

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