Saturday, March 15, 2008

For those who do not know, I will soon be visiting the continent of Australia, starting in Sydney and making my way down to Melbourne. I am sure there will be a slew of posts related to my trip once I return. While I am there, however, I do not expect myself to post often, if at all.

So this is to officially announce my hiatus from posting. I do not foresee any new logs until my return. So, there’s that.

If you know me personally, I will be attempting to check and respond to my email accounts while I’m away. Feel free to contact me in that capacity. So, there’s that.

Breaking news from Ness City, Kansas. A woman who had been sitting upon a toilet seat for two years recently got off the John. This is good news for her, but really, it’s great news for the toilet.

Below: A Toilet (Allegedly)Where’s the handle?

Apparently this chick, who has remained unnamed, wasn’t even sitting on her toilet for two years. Nope, it was her boyfriend’s. And do you think the boyfriend broke up with her? Nope, he just brought her food and water everyday. Talk about a freeloader! This brings new meaning to the phrase “Too lazy to get up off your own ass.” But was it laziness or mental instability? Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple (that’s his real name… Whipple) investigated the, uh… scene? Sure.

Whipple resonded to the, uh, incident, when the woman’s boyfriend phoned the police to say there was something wrong with his girlfriend. Is that a fact? Whipple said the woman’s skin had physically grown around the toilet seat. Why, that doesn’t sound like a problem, that’s just her ass evolving to adapt to its environment. Darwinism at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.

When the police arrived, she told them that she didn’t want any help, nor did she want to leave. She was clothed, but hey sweatpants were down to her mid-thigh, and she appeared to be suffering from atrophy in the legs (or, some might say benefitting from the atrophy). Whipple did point out that she wasn’t restrained in any way, but she was “just physically stuck by her body.”

Below: A Toilet Seat (Supposedly)Beware!

But what could they do if they could not remove the women from the toilet seat? Simple ingenuity, people! They removed the toilet seat from the toilet, then transported the woman, toilet seat and all, to the hospital. They (the folks at the hospital) were the ones who actually removed the seat from the woman’s ass.

When investigators questioned the boyfriend about the, uh, ordeal, he told them that he brought her food and water and asked her everyday to get off the toilet. According to the boyfriend, she typically responded with “Maybe tomorrow,” and did not want to leave the bathroom. Well, why did you just stop feeding her, idiot? Then she would have had to leave the toilet. Geesh. I should be a, uh, problem-solving-person-dude. Yeah. That’d be my title, too – PSPD for short. “Watch out, bitches, PSPD coming through!” That’s what I’d say whenever I’d walk into a room full of people. They’d know what the fuck’s up.

Whipple had some commentary regarding the uh, occurrence. “It is hard to imagine,” he said. “I still have a hard time imagining it…” This is from the man who was fucking there and saw it all. And if he can’t imagine it, then I can’t imagine how I’m imagining it right now. Maybe I just have a better imagination than him.

Others, though, were not surprised. “It doesn’t really surprise me,” said James Ellis, a neighbor. What the fuck, man? That doesn’t surprise you, not even a little bit. This begs to question, James, if that is your real name, just how long did this lady sit on your toilet, hmm? Yeah, not so talky-talky now.

Below: Another Toilet (I Think)Let’s just hope that none of these fishies were hurt.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Soon I will be on leave. I’m not taking my laptop with me; it’ll be too easily stolen, broken, gone missing, et cetera. I don’t want to have to worry about it, look after it, or carry it about. So it’s staying here in K-ville whilst I go venturing around Australia.

Will I post? I don’t know; I doubt it. But before I leave a few short days from now, I would like to announce the formal end to the Potvin Spotlight. It’s not that it doesn’t get enough support – there’s no such thing on this site. My reasoning comes as I have realized that I’ve only made one non-football Potvin Spotlight post. That was about Andrei Chikatilo.

When I introduced the Potvin Spotlight, I promised to not only write about football, but also certain historical battles/wars and serial killers. Well, I failed. There, I said it. I’ve read about many ancient battles/wars and what have you, and they’re just too difficult to add humor to. So, after grasping extensive knowledge of the history of war, I typically say “fuck it” and post something completely unrelated.

Serial killers on the other hand – I’m sure I could make many more posts about them types. Goodie goodie. So here’s my plan: I’m changing the titles. Former Potvin Spotlights about football will just be generically renamed Sunday Spotlights, as they appear on Sunday. Plus, the alliteration is sort of a bonus. Same goes for the Chikatilo post, except it’ll be called a Serial Killer Spotlight. The alliteration is still present, but, in my view, it’s just not as strong. No worries, though.

Also, I’m removing mama scorpion and her babies, and putting up some other photograph. Say goodbye everybody!

Below: Mama Scorpy-Scorps, and her babiesWe’ll miss you.

Well, this is probably the most boring post I’ve ever had. If you bothered to read this you’re probably upset, so let me redirect you to something funny: go watch Mr. Show.

I don’t know about you, but I find that bear (or, some might argue, that Belgian Malinois) to be pretty bad-ass. But that’s because it’s not directly in front of me. It would still be bad-ass, sure, but it’d also be terribly frightful. And if that doesn’t scare you, well this should:

Half Bear, Half Dragon, All Metal

Looking at that almost makes me crap my pants. In the bad way, too.

Whatever can we do to protect ourselves from bears, be they real or partially mythical and/or created by a friend on paint in Norfolk? One word: Smith & Wesson’s Model 500ES – Emergency Survival Kit. Or, as I have dubbed it, the Bear Survival Kit. Looky here:

Boi yeah! Eat lead, bear! The kit comes with many useful tools, such as a stylish waterproof case, compass, and a whistle, so you can blow it to try to scare off the bear in case you don’t have time to get to the gun. But that’s not all, it also includes some emergency space blankets, for those times when you find yourself trapped in orbit outside the earth’s atmosphere and are struggling to keep warm. But that’s still not all! The Blast Match™ Firestarter will allow you to start a fire under almost any conditions. Pay the extra money and upgrade to the Drew Barrymore Firestarter, which will allow you to start a fire under any and all conditions through Miss Barrymore’s unique pyrokinesis. Excellent!

Still not enough to get you to float the $1,500 necessary to own this assuredly life-saving kit? Well, the kit also includes a signal mirror, some sort of saw, and Smith & Wesson Extreme Ops Liner Lock Folding Knife with Black Sheath. That knife sounds cool, huh? You bet it does. Buy it today! And, if you’re worried that there won’t be any bears around to defend yourself against, you can easily pass the time by reading Bear Attacks of the Century – True Stories of Courage and Survival by Larry Mueller. (You can click on that link, but that book won’t do you any good without the survival kit, idiot.)

Sure, all of those goodies are nice, and necessary for survival, but the true centerpiece is the snub-nose.

If, for nothing else, you have to get the kit for this. As long as you bring this baby along, you’ll ensure safety for yourself and your loved ones. This stainless steal .500 caliber beaut weighs a little under three-and-a-half pounds unloaded. With an overall length of nine inches and a five round capacity, you’re guaranteed to either kill that attacking bear or really piss him off. And I mean super pissed off.

Rest assured, people, anyone who does not own this kit is sure to be killed by a savage, vicious bear. And it will be rather unpleasant. I’ve written several letters to the president to try to get these issued to every American at birth (right along with one’s birth certificate) but I have yet to get a response.

Added bonus: This could be a hearty addition to your zombie survival kit. I recommend buying it now.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Last night, on March 10th, Operation Myspace, a bit of a shindig, kicked off on Camp Buehring, Kuwait. It was pretty good, but there’ll be more to follow on that once the PAO pictures get published.

What interested me is that Stars & Strips, that ever-loved newspaper I wrote about in a previous post, reported on March 5th a statement issued by the Pussycat Dolls. It read “We’re so excited to be performing for the troops and supporting our Armed Forces overseas. They’d better get ready … the desert’s about to get a lot hotter!” The emphasisis mine.

Coincidentally (or perhaps not), the day following Operation Myspace was easily the hottest day we’ve had since last summer. What the fuck? Have those pop divas been able to control the weather this entire time and up until this point they’ve left us to our own devices.?If they really want to support the troops, why not make it a comfortable temperature all year round? Then, if you like, you may dress scantily and shake your goods about whichever way you please.

The rivalry between the University of Georgia Bulldogs and the Georgia Institute of Technology Yellow Jackets is sometimes referred to by the moniker Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate. But do these schools really hate each other? You be the judge.

Georgia was founded in 1785, 100 years before Georgia Tech was founded. Due to this lack of a clear cut in-state rival, Bulldog fans had to take their aggression out on natives and slaves. However, due to westward expansions and the south’s defeat in the Civil War, there were soon no slaves or natives to be overly aggressive against. Unto whom could they fulfill their violent, megalomaniacal fantasies of continued power?

That’s easy! Just start another in-state school to rival the one you already have; now you’ve got Georgians hating Georgians, and rightly so. They only people worthy of hating a pure blood Georgian is another Georgian. And thus it is conversely true: the only person worth a Georgian’s time to even bother hating is someone cut from the same cloth.

With UGA in Athens and Georgia Tech in Atlanta, the schools were a mere 70 miles apart, and the stage was set for an epic rivalry to grow.

Below: A map of the state of Georgia showing the locations of UGA and GT.You had to see this one coming…

The hostilities began over the school colors. Georgia, whose colors were old gold, black, and crimson, removed old gold from the school’s officials colors, stating that old gold was too similar to yellow, and yellow symbolized cowardice. Georgia Tech then began wearing old gold uniforms as a metaphorical slap-in-the-face to UGA. Georgia officials then stated that white symbolizes those who nurture and embrace defeat. Again Georgia Tech responded by adding white to their uniforms. To this day, Tech’s colors are old gold and white.

More hatred came to the Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate rivalry during WWI, when Georgia mocked Tech for having a football team during the war. Most of Georgia’s players were serving in the armed forces at the time, and the school failed to field a team. Georgia Tech officials released a statement saying “It’s not our fault there’s a war on.” To this, Georgia officials famously responded with a letter that only read “Fuck you guys.”

When Georgia renewed its program in 1919 after the war had ended, the students staged a parade which featured a float shaped like a tank that read “UGA IN ARGONNE” followed by donkey draped in yellow that read “TECH IN ATLANTA”. Burn. Georgia Tech responded by burning down Georgia’s campus in Athens, killing several hundred students. Wicked burn.

In the 1970s the rivalry escalated to new heights as school pranksters tried to out do one another. The first such incident occurred in 1973 when some Tech students stole the bulldog statue in front of the UGA student center. Georgia students responded by stealing Georgia Tech’s Ramblin’ Wreck, a golden colored 1930 Ford Model A sports coupe clad with cheerleaders. The following year, Tech students kidnapped Uga III, the Bulldog’s mascot, a bulldog. Though his body was never found, it was rumored that he was rolled up in a carpet and thrown off a bridge, but not before some students split a bottle of malt liquor with him. Georgia students, enraged, set together a plan to kidnap all of the yellow jackets in the state. The plan failed miserably and ended in many painful stings. Georgia students then decided to retaliate by enrolling in Georgia Tech and, using their natural abilities, lowered the school-wide GPA.

Below: A Victim of Clean, Old-Fashioned HateHey, I’m not trying to pick favorites or anything, but I’d rather be in this car than hanging out with Georgia’s bulldog. Nothing against dogs, but, c’mon. Just look at this juxtaposition of the Uga (the Georgia mascot) and a close-up of one of those cheerleaders:Sold.

Hate is also practiced through time honored traditions. A famous Georgia Tech rallying cry is to shout out four times over the question “What’s the good word?” to which a crowd of (now) energized Yellow Jackets respond “To hell with Georgia!” despite the fact that they too are Georgians. (It has been suggested that this fact eludes them, but I doubt it.) The fourth response is set to be “Piss on them!” which, if they are referring to Georgians, means they wish to piss on themselves. This has lead many to believe that Georgia Tech fans inspired Marco Fiorito’s critically repulsed film 2 Girls 1 Cup.

Georgia currently leads the football series 59-38-5 (or so some say), and are on a 7 game winning streak against their in-state rivals as of this past year’s 31-17 victory over the Yellow Jackets. Georgia Tech hopes to change the trend by bringing in ex-Navy coach Paul Johnson, famous for his use of the triple option. If this does not work, Georgia Tech plans to poison the Athens water supply.

CHERNOBYL, Ukraine – Recent press releases from the Ukrainian government on today reported that that Chernobyl and Prypiat have gone nearly a week without a recorded zombie incident. If these reports hold true, it would be the longest such period of peace since the Chernobyl nuclear disaster took place in 1986.

Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko, (named World’s Hottest Prime Minister by Maxim Magazine [Author’s note – not true, but should be be]), confirmed the reports in an address to the press. “Our zombie-proofing measures in the Zone of Alienation have been paying off, and we are clearly gaining an advantage against our enemies, the undead.” Tymoshenko continued, saying “We will not rest until the body of every zombie in Prypiat and Chernobyl have gone up in flames.”

Below: Ukrainian PrimeMinister Yulia TymoshenkoTotal PMILF!!!

Zombies have rarely been able to get beyond the perimeter fence of the Zone of Alienation due to their poor motor skills. But the zombie population inside the zone is fed by a constant flow of unemployed looters who illegally enter the zone to plunder its many unoccupied residences. Many of these looters find themselves trapped by a mob of the undead and become one themselves. However, due to a recent crackdown by the Ukrainian military as ordered by the government, the ghouls walk about in far fewer numbers, and no zombie related incidents have been reported since last Saturday.

“This has been a long time coming,” further commented Tymoshenko. “We must remain vigilant and we can rid Chernobyl of its post-apocalyptic zombie ridden madness. Once we do, it will just be normal post-apocalyptic madness.”

Thursday, March 6, 2008

GREEN BAY, Wisc – With the news of Brett Favre’s retirement coming only days ago, Green Bay Packers Chairman Mark Murphy held a conference announcing that he too would retire, along with the rest of the staff and players.

“I uh, I just really don’t know what else to do,” said Murphy at the conference. “I think we all know that it’s just time; time to hang it up, you know?”

Packers General Manager Ted Thompson appeared to be very supportive. “I’ve already filed all the paperwork for the players, and all they will have to do is sign on the dotted line, retiring them from the National Football League.” When asked why the Packers were disbanding, Thompson told the press, “Hey, we all knew this was Brett’s team, and we all really fell under his leadership. Sure [Head Coach] Mike [McCarthy] did a ‘good job’ and whatnot, but without Brett and without an owner, the Packers simply are no more.”

McCarthy was later reached for comment at his home, but generally refused to answer questions posed by reporters. His only response was, “I’m retired; I’m not a ball coach anymore. If you folks want to know some football news, you better go ask somebody who’s still in the business.”

Fans have, so far, appeared to take the teams disbandment quite well. George Welsim, a Green Bay native and lifelong Packer fan, told the press, “You know, having seen Brett play every game for the past 16 years, I think this is for the best. I just can’t imagine the team playing with anybody else on that field.”

The players seem to agree. “We almost didn’t come back onto the field for the second half of that Dallas game,” said Green Bay wide receiver Donald Driver. “Brett got hurt in the first half, you know, and we were told he wasn’t going to come out for the second half. Most of us said ‘Fuck it – Let’s just go home now,’ but Brett asked us all to keep playing, so we did.” Driver continued, “In the end, we didn’t win the game, but Brett told us he was proud of us anyway, and that made it all better. Plus, he took us out for pizza and ice cream after the game, and that was pleasant.”

When asked if they would ever come out of retirement, most players only responded they would come back if Favre “resurrected” the Packers by returning as a player, a coach, or both (as in his previous tenure).

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

He is assured a spot in the Hall of Fame as he owns the NFL’s major passing records (to include interceptions). This coming season will be a weird one for me, as I’ve never seen the Packers play without Favre starting the game.

Favre started his first game for the Packers when I was in kindergarten. I will have graduated high school three years ago this May. It’s been awhile.

Rest assured a fake news article will be made out of this, as I am sure this is just one of thousands of Favre tribute web logs. But this deserves at least a fake news jab. Maybe a Spotlight feature in the future.

Last year, when the New England Patriots went undefeated in the NFL regular season after winning all 16 games, many people thought they were the best team ever. Then they lost. So much for that.

But realistically, for any team to be considered as the best or greatest team in the history of the sport, they’d have to be better than the team that clearly holds that distinction: the 1888 Yale Bulldogs.

120 years ago, the Yale football team had a simple idea: let’s score a lot of points and not let our opponents score any. It was a novel concept, but many believed it was foolhardy and impossible. Still, Yale accomplished their goal, outscoring their opponents 698-0 in a 13-0 campaign that saw them crowned national champions.

Unfortunately, no one on the roster made the All-America team, as that idea of having an All-America team was not thought of until 1889. The team did have five future College Football Hall of Fame inductees at its disposal, however.

The team was coached by the Father of Football, Walter Camp. Earlier in the year, Camp had decreed that rugby was “sort of the way of the man-lovers and such things of the like.” In an effort to further separate football from rugby, Camp legalized below-the-waist tackling, which then made American football “far better than the English-styled rugby sporting socials, and a lot fucking cooler, bitches,” as Camp put it.

“Famous” Amos “A-lonz” Alonzo “Big O” Staggs played end for the legendary best team of all-time. He later went on to coach for 54 seasons and is one of only ten coaches in the “300 Wins Club” (not an actual club). He was recently honored on the cover of the 2K Sports All Pro Football 2K8 video game (which was forced to use famous football players not currently in the NFL due to the league’s licensing lease to the Madden franchise).

William “Pudge” Heffelfinger played guard for the Bulldogs. At 6’3″ and 195 lbs, he was the largest recorded person in human history up to that point. He broke the backs of countless children who would asked to play touch-football games with him. Pudge was never known for doing anything with less than 100% effort, however, and many were left for dead.

George Woodruff played tackle-back or box-guard or wing-safety or forward-centerback or some shit. But he was damn good at it. He did play on the best team evah, so, I think that says it all. I hope it does anyway.

Lee “Bum” McClung played halfback on the ’88 squad. He later became the United States Treasurer. That’s nice.

Center William “Pa” Corbin was distinctly known for his handlebar mustache. But Corbin was also a brilliant strategist, once bringing on an Austrio-Hungarian mule named Gus to be the team’s place-kicker. Gus later went on to have moderate success with a professional team, the California Atoms.

Below: Gus the MuleBased on a True Story

With all of this talent, it’s no surprise that the Yale team did so well. But their greatness is not fully understood by just simply saying they outscored their opponents 698-0. Back in those days, a touchdown was worth only four points, though field goals were worth five. If today’s scoring system is used, the Yale would have scored 865 points. Not too shabby.

The Bulldogs somehow played three championship games that year, and obviously won them. They were also named the de facto national champions, which really makes them champions four times over in 1888. Nowadays, few teams manage to win four championships in a decade.

Basically speaking, the 1888 Yale Bulldogs were the greatest football team ever assembled. The next time you hear about the “perfect” 1972 Miami Dolphins, just ask, “Hey, did those guys get scored on during that season? Oh, they did? Huh, guess they’re not so ‘perfect’ after all.”