a pause on the recto,

A Random Seminal Treatise on Headache

Headache is perhaps the most dangerous weapon of nature against man. No matter how many nuclear weapons you have made, you still have a headache saving them from hackers. No matter how much wealth you have made selling beer in Aidin, you still have a headache of running around in a court of London. In a way, it is a great leveller. It’s almost like nature knew that she would be screwed up by us human, so she put one of her own in our head – an ache.

You might fool everyone to become the most powerful man in this world but a headache can make you write ‘covfefe’ in your personal hours when most men have their attention set on their wives. Headache can cause the legal wife of this most powerful man on this planet friend-zone her own husband in front of hundreds of zappy shutterbugs by refusing to hold his hands. Clearly, headache has some serious repercussions.

Causation and effect – from both aspects, this is an intriguing area of research for writers, doctors, and scientists alike. So, let’s not trivialise the issue. The most hated yet most ignored medical condition is a headache. The grimness of this pandemic can be understood when the chief of the world’s largest political party admits that it was a headache that made the Prime Ministerial candidate of Aidin promise transfer of ₹ 15 lakh to everyone’s account once he had won the elections.

There are politicians today in the southern states of Aidin who are accused in the cash-for-votes scam. The formula is simple – I am giving you ₹ 1000, you give me one vote, in some cases all the votes of your family. Under normal circumstances, a voter gets cash from all the parties fighting the elections and he collects enough money to take care of a month’s headache of his family. However, the Prime Ministerial candidate of Aidin in a moment of complete clarity of head and no symptoms of headache said – “You give me votes, I WILL give you 15 lakhs..”. Aidin fell for it. Two birds in bush is worth one in hand. This was a special case. Psephologists call it ‘Democratic Headache’. In this kind of headache, a majority in the democracy have an attack of headache on a pre-declared date and they together vote for Head-Achhe Din.

Headache is contagious. It spreads rapidly across population. From one human being to another, from another human being to animals. Animals such as cows and peacocks have been victims of it since 2014. Cows have post-retirement trauma because they have nothing to do after they have been milked dry by calves and politicians of Aidin. However, given the lifestyle that cows lead in Aidin, the immigration department is overflowing with applications from cattle across the world. Peacocks suffer from headache particularly in spring due to constant stress on their tear glands whenever a peahen is sighted in their vicinity. This phenomenon is not very different from the kind of headache attack Bhupendra Chaubey suffered while interviewing Sunny Leone.

A few detractors of the Aidinian Prime Minister say that he meant the ‘din’ of English language when he promised ‘Ache Din’. However, certain linguists had earlier asserted that even Achhe was a misreading of ache. Most of the citizens believe that Hindi is Aidinian national language and the Prime Minister’s special affection for the language made him commit such a blunder. Now that the country is under a severe democratic headache, everyone realises that the linguists were right.

Headache is seldom the final form of the distress a person goes through. It maybe just the surface of it. Headache may cause verbal diarrhoea as in the case of the Chief Minister of the capital city-state-union territory of Aidin. Headache may cause complete nervous shutdown as in the case of the present prince and king-to-be of the now defunct monarchy of Aidin. There are times when this prince gets temporary relief from his headache but those times seldom last long. His headache comes back to nag him whenever somebody utters the word – Pappu in any part of the world and goes away only when he addresses himself in third person in interviews. That this prince has a could-have-been-general-secretary of the United Nations working under his commands is sure to help Aidin in its attempts to get included in the seven wonders of the world.

While the most qualified doctor of the country who also knows Yoga, claims to have found a cure for homosexuality, he hasn’t been able to come up with any treatment for headache. That leaves me without hope, with severe headache, engaged in whatabouteries on headache. Maybe it’s time I stop writing and grab a covfefe.