Hello and welcome to hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green. I'm the manager of the determined, hardworking, beautiful AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys, who today have come into the heart of the beast. The stadium that shall not be named, in which the team that shall not be named plays its football. We are going to win this game. We have to win this game. It's 1-1 in the first leg of the playoffs. We lost a bunch of games intentionally so we could give ourselves this opportunity.

In a stunning turn of events, it's raining in England. Everything is set up perfectly. Callum Kennedy's hideous hair. Ya Bamba, beautiful. Marauding out on the left wing. Our center forwards, John Green and John Green. You see one of them there. Ginger John Green. Scott McBeanie, our referee. Uh, let's see if we, I don't even think we shook hands. I hope we didn't.

We've got That's a Moura and Ozéia in the all-important center-back roles. We've got the White House out on the wing, as well as hideous Kennedy's hideous hair. And then we have Less-Moore and Hells Pells anchoring our midfield. Our goalkeeper. You'll never guess who it is, Meredith. It's Seb Brown, who saved two penalties against Luton town to send us into the football league, then saved two more penalties against Manchester City to win us the FA Cup. Seb Brown, who's been a hero to this club in so many ways for so many years. Long may he reign.

Oh, speaking of rain. I already mentioned that. Okay. We've gotta win this game. We just don't have a choice. We've gotta win this game.

Already. Already from the visiting end you hear the chants of (Sings) Who are you, who are you, who are you. That's a penalty! That's a tackle in the box I got pulled out from behind! (Continues singing) Who are you when you were us? Who were you when you were us? Who were you when you were us? Who were you when you were us? Just reminding them that fifteen short years ago, they didn't have a team in the football league, and then they got one, not by getting promoted again and again and again, like Wimbledon did, but by stealing one.

Oh man. (Sings) Stand up if you own your club. Stand up if you own your club. Sit down if you stole our club. Stand up if you own your club.

Alright, okay. This is exciting stuff. Bald John Green on the ball. Nice pass. Nice pass! He's through! He's in! He's in! He's in! It's a goal! It's a goal! Hells Pells! Hells Pells! Oh, you have a mustache! Yes it did come from Bald John Green! That amazing pass did come from Bald John Green! Oh, and then Bald John Green actually just decapitated Hells Pells. Did you see that? That was weird. But what a beautiful goal. Hells Pells all the way. He was never going to give up. He was never going to pass to Other John Green. He just knew that he could do it.

Oh, and we are suddenly in the drivers seat. On aggregate. It's two goals for the Wimbly Womblys, one goal for the franchise. Oh, and the cries from the visiting end of the stadium are just gorgeous right now. We've got everything we could want. Every chance we could want. Yes. We've just got to keep going. That was great job by That's a Moura, right there. A beautiful, strong header.

Okay. Wha-ba-ba-it's always, it's always, this is always where we struggle. We always struggle after we score. Deep breath. Harry Potter did not score on us. I mean that you would think, because he's a wizard, but no, That's a Moura was like "I don't care about your dark arts." Harry Potter was a bad wizard, right? I can't remember for sure, but I think he was one of the naughty ones. Anyway, this is a different Harry Potter. This is like Gary Potter, the dark-hearted wizard friend of Harry Potter.

Great ball. Great ball to Bald John Green. Cut back, cut back, baby. Ah, I love it when you cut. Ah, yes. Come on. Look at that. Into the box! Into the box! It's Other John Green- Other John green wanted it so bad he humped one of the MK Scum players. Sorry, I don't mean to- Ah, that was a very naughty tackle but I liked it. I liked it. I don't mind when you go on a little late on these guys. Show them who's boss. That's right, show them who you are! I mean, don't get sent off, that's the only thing - we can't afford a red card right now. I know! It's gonna be a yellow card. He was a tiny bit naughty. Yes, yes, yes.

You know what though? I support that kind of behavior! If it's the right team, you know, usually we try not to play dirty, but, you know, they did steal our team away from us. That wasn't that cool! And then the English FA said it wasn't in the wider interest of football for there to be a league club in Wimbledon, to which I say "oh, you can't stop us from being promoted seven times (now eight times, about to be nine times, assuming we win this game and win our next game)".

Come on, boys! That's a great pass! That's a great pass! Oh, oh, oh, oh, get there! Get there, get there! Ohhhhh. Crushing blow, as we could have been two nil up against- um, I wanna call them- it looks like from the MKD, that's their little- it looks like they're McDonald's. And they are sort of the McDonald's of football, because they're a franchise, just like McDonald's are, um, they aren't owned by actual people, they're owned by- you know, like, people who care about them. They're owned by some rich guy who's just trying to make money, and yeah! So, they are kind of McDonald's. It's the McDonald's of football. That's right. I'm sorry, residents of Milton Keynes who support this team, but you know, you gotta have rivalries in football.

Oh God, get it, get it, get it, get it! Ohhhh. Yes! I'm not actually sorry, just for the record. I was just saying that to try to be nice. Get over there, Bald John Green! Almost tall enough, almost big enough, but not quite. Oh man, the tension is mounting. This is- you know what I like right now? I feel like they're the ones who are scared. They're the ones who are thinking "I can't believe that we robbed them of their club and they started a club anew and it only took nine years for them to get promoted back to the football league and now, they're gonna be the ones who kick us out of the playoffs and ensure that we have to play in league one again next year", to which we say "hell yes, that's exactly what we're doing!"

Oh, Bald John Green with a beautiful, unnecessary slide tackle in the rain- Bald John Green then following it up with an actual steal! It doesn't come to anything, but it's half time. Oh, that was an intense half! Goodness gracious!

No be happ-no listen, no correcting, he did a great job! Bald John Green, I'm gonna have to talk to you in the locker room because Moura had a fantastic half, actually. It's two one on aggregate, we have everything that we need. I think the locker room talk just has to be "let's stay calm, let's stay excited, this is a beautiful game to play, we're playing it in our favorite weather - the rain".

We almost had a second goal when Other John Green got release, like, we're looking- we're playing beautiful-flowing football, you know, it's everything that you could want. It used to be that when we would play, that we would always come up the wings and cross it into the box, and now we're playing more Wimbly Wombly football. Open, inviting, beautiful football that makes- that frankly makes angels cry so much that it's raining.

Um, by the way Meredith, there was a very funny- the actual AFC Wimbledon's twitter live tweeted the FA cup final against- with Arsenal against Hull. And Arsenal had this hideous shot where they missed from like five feet away, and AFC Wimbledon tweeted "Arsenal fans, support the Dons! All of the same quality of shooting, but at half the price!" (laughs) But no, we are actually quite good at shooting.

Oh, what, what, what? What are you talking about?! I fail to see how that's a foul. That's literally, literally a chest hug. It's just two men touching their chests together, you know, in the way that you do. Because that's- you know, it feels good.

There's Bald John Green! There's Bald John Green! Bald John Green! Bald- don't stop making your run, Other John Green! Listen to your husband! He wanted you to keep running! Ohhh, sometimes I feel like they just aren't on the same page this season. It hasn't been their best season together, but it has still been a special season nonetheless.

You were offside, idiot. Dumbass. Who would be offside in that situation? Only a smergaberg. Gary Potter! Worst Potter ever. I bet he can't even make pots! Does Harry Potter make pots at all? He doesn't, I don't think. That's interesting. I never thought about that. It's an angle that J K Rowling could have explored, but she didn't.

Get there! Get there, get there, get there, get there, get there! YES! Ohhhh, that's a- how is that not a foul? How was Callum Kennedy's chest bump a foul but that's not?! Oh, you know what- he may have a yellow card, but he's not afraid to go in and tackle that grass! I love it. I love it. We're having a lot of unnecessary slide tackles, but that part of showing- we're hustling! We care about this game, it matters to us. I really wanna go two nil up so that I can stop worrying.

Look at that fantastic marauding run from Hells Pells! And then he releases to his friend and teammate Ya ya ya Bamba! Long cross, oh! It's too long! Too long, Bald John Green got there but he was too far away from the goal, but my gosh that was a beautiful bit of play until then. Take all the time you want to kick the ball there Mr Keeper. Oh, was I offside?! Nah, I don't believe it. Lies, damn lies and statistics! Those are the three kinds of lies, Meredith.

Alright, they made a trans- they made a change, but we don't need to. Oh, Potter's off! Potter's off. It was Dary Potter, not Gary Potter, according to his initial. Come on! Come on, boys! Focus! I think the guy they just brought on is the guy who scored against us in the first game, so we should probably pay attention to him. Oh! That's beautiful football, right there! Who was that, that made that amazing tackle? Hells Pells! Having himself a football game. That is insane. He's had a goal, he's had some really important tackles from the midfield- no need to hurry getting me that ball, Ya Bamba. Everything's gonna be just- no! Anywhere but there! What were you thinking?! Again, Ya Bamba struggled. He's struggled in the last few games of the season - all the boys are tired, we know that. We know that. Even though they got to have those relaxing seven games that they were losing on purpose, they're still exhausted.

Get there, get there, get there, get there! Get there, get there, get back, get back, get back! Everybody back, everybody back. Ohhhh! Everybody back, everybody back! What part of everybody back was ambiguous? Ohhh! Everything worked out better than expected.

Alright, we're coming out, we're coming out, we're coming out, go, go, go, go, go, go! Ya Bamba, Ya Bamba, I need you to make- well, Bald John Green's like "fine, I'll just do it all by myself, I don't care, I'll do it all by myself". What a ball! Oh, but there's no one on the back post. Okay. Calm, cut back, pass, yes! Yes, pass, yes, pass, I like it! I like keeping the ball. And then it's Bald John Green - oohhhh! Hits a leg going through.

Ohhh, eight fifth minute. Meredith, we have five minutes that we have to hold on to this lead, and then the team that currently plays in Milton Keynes and should not exist has to stay in league one and we get to go to the championship final! Ohhhh. The league one final, the playoff final. Sorry, I'm getting confused, I'm excited.

Okay. That was a great opportunity for a goal to seal it, and it would have been beautiful and also it would have relaxed me a lot. I can't help but notice that we're getting tense here at the end. I'm screaming at the guys "stay calm!" but the way I'm screaming it probably betrays the fact that I myself do not feel tremendously calm at the moment. Okay. Let's get on that ball! We need possession. Possession, boys! Ohhhh, it's nine tenths of the law.

Let's get there, get there, get there! Anything but that! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! Is that it? Is the game over? Yes! Ohhhh. Oh, it happened! Our dream came true! This is amazing. We lost all those games on purpose to ensure that these scumbags would not go to the championship, and they won't! You're staying in league one, we're going to the finals of the playoffs! We will find out next game if indeed we get to go up to the championship next season.