As Blogger Alliance Secret Agent Man, I am going to reveal a secret to an enemy power — this time, the female of the species. I was reading a blog the other day (I don’t remember which one) where the author quoted someone else (I don’t remember who) in the sidebar, and the quote went something (but not exactly) like this:

What is the deal with skidmarks in men’s underwear? What is so hard about wiping your ass until there isn’t any more shit on it?

Well, nothing, really. As a matter of fact, I’m willing to bet that most of the men who have skidmarks do wipe properly. That isn’t what you are seeing. What you are seeing is fart spray. Part of the confusion may come from women not farting. I don’t know what it is, but until they hit late-middle age, women don’t fart. They “poot”. A poot is largely air. That ain’t what we do. We fart.

You know what a fart is? It is hot stomach gas blown past turds. Okay? When you blow air over a turd, you are going to pick up turd bits. You should be glad that we are wearing pants, because if we weren’t, all that aerosol crap would be floating around in the air instead of being nicely filtered by multiple layers of cloth.

One thing that I have noticed is that you really only get skid marks (or sergeant’s stripes as my mother called them) in jockeys or other tight underwear. (Y-Fronts on the other side of the pond.) I wear boxers since I’ve been old enough to buy my own underwear, and I don’t get skidmarks. I didn’t improve my wiping, or stop farting the same way — it is just that the… spray is more diffuse by the time it hits the screen, so it doesn’t get concentrated in one line, and the stuff that sticks in the crack doesn’t get rubbed out by boxers.

There really isn’t any solution for it. Men aren’t going to stop farting. It is a time honored tradition. I thought about using technology to help, but the only thing I could come up with is putting men in diapers. That is a really bad idea. Think about it. Do you know what would happen if men wore diapers? “Hmm… I need to take a dump, but it is the middle of the third period of the hockey game. Hmm. Aaaaaaaaaaah. Now I don’t have to get up.” I don’t want that to start happening, and neither do you.

Other options are just as unfeasible. Installing some kind of air filter would be a good solution (since you could get Glade to make them and put a nice scent releaser in it too) but there is no way you are going to get men to start shoving things up their ass just because you don’t like skid marks. We are more likely to just start using disposable underwear. That might keep you from having to wash them, but it doesn’t do anything about the stuff being blasted out. A good solution would be to make some kind of pill we could take that would make the poop white, but then we wouldn’t be able to tell which turds are fresh and which ones are old when the water gets cut off and we have to take a dump in the backyard. (I hate when that happens.)

Face it. Men are pigs. We like farting, and we are secretly proud of our stripes. I would still be making stripes if I didn’t like having my kibbles and bits swinging around when I walk. At least our underwear doesn’t look like we decided to steal them from a crime scene, and we don’t leave them soaking in the bathroom sink all the time.

(I’ll probably end up submitting this to both the Bonfire of the Vanities and the Carnival of the Vanities. How messed up is that?)

That’s funny, because it was one of those 2am can’t sleep kind of deals, where I told myself, “when I don’t have anything to blog about tomorrow — and I won’t — I’m going to write all this crap down and post it.” And I did.

Now that I am finished laughing my butt off — I just want to thank you for easing my mind that my husband is not just a slob who is unable to wipe is ass properly. I understand now why he smiles when I bitch about picking up his underwear.

The Bonfire of the Vanities returns for the unlucky 13th edition. It’s no coincidence that the 13th edition of the Bonfire burns as the hopes and dreams of Cubs and Red Sox fans crest. This weeks Bonfire is a harmonic…

Welcome to Carnival of the Vanities #54; Dodgeblogium is very pleased to host this event. Perhaps a word of explanation of the layout would be helpful: Are you a bit befuddled by all this Cthulhu stuff? Andrew has written an…

Welcome to Carnival of the Vanities #54; Dodgeblogium is very pleased to host this event. Perhaps a word of explanation of the layout would be helpful: Are you a bit befuddled by all this Cthulhu stuff? Andrew has written an…

Hi Chit. Good to see you. My recent skidmarks are pretty decorative….good for a christmas tree ornament. WOW now thats an idea Chit, if we can get some super fast skidmarked underpants in the next week, we can hang them on the christmas tree instead of baubles.
Take care me old fruit ( and veg )
Shaunayyyyy

Welcome to Carnival of the Vanities #54; Dodgeblogium is very pleased to host this event. Perhaps a word of explanation of the layout would be helpful: Are you a bit befuddled by all this Cthulhu stuff? Andrew has written an…

that is such total bullshit. i fart all the time and i still dont leave skidmarks or “farticles”. what u see in the underwear is residual from shitting and can be eliminated by wiping more throughly. i personally wash after a shit or wipe with wet toilet paper and completely avoid that problem. so that whole “farticle” business is just covering up for improper hygeine.

I have always gotten skidmarks, especially since I grew hair in my crack, and like other 20 something guys I know, I too am proud of my skid. I get skids every day, and I dont mean a little bit of skid, I mean heavy skid. Skids are awesome.

I WEAR WHITE UNDERPANTS I SOMETIMES SHIT IN MY UNDERTPANTS. SOMETIMES I SKIDMARK IN MY UNDERPANTS WHEN I DO NOT MAKE IT TO THE BATHROOM.SOMETIMES I JUST SHIT IN MY UNDERPANTS BECAUSE I WANT TO. YOU CAN EMAIL ME AND TELL ME ABOUT YOURS THANKS

I think the artical hits the nail right on the head… skid marks for men are part of nature… Light skid marks wash out with no problem in the wash. Underwears function is to sometimes get a 2nd wearing out of pants, And undies get tossed to the wash pile at the end of the day anyhow so why not make sure u got the max mileage out of them! It so hot seeing a hot guy and his undies in the locker room or under his pants knowing his undies are going to be well marked by them time he peels them off to go to bed. After that they are off to the washing machine for another laundry cycle!

So, we are still all alive, the skidmark guys. Who’s uptight about it anyway? what are underpants for then, laying the table? I wear full cut soft white underpants and love to use and abuse them. Long skidmarks, dripping piss marks, cum in them rather than in my sheets. I get a clean pair on every day and my wash basket looks like ….shit. My partner hates me, but I love it. That’s being a man. Anyone else, tell me……

That was hilarious. Disgusting though. The only male I live with now is my kid, he’s in the middle of developing his farting expertise: he’s concentrating on noise and stink right now, spray may come later. But I’m going to buy him boxers along with his school uniform this year.

Buying him Boxers! Petra, obviously you are a woman, because buying a kid boxers is going to make your son into an ass scratching, ball moving kid. Give your little man a break, and stick him in some Calvins. He’ll thank you for the rest of his life. Its like eggs in a basket.

I’ll never forget the day I walked in the kitchen of my friend Ken’s house at like 4 in the morning to catch him making “Skid-mark tea.” He was letting me stay at his place until my apartment was ready for the move-in. What surprised me most was that he was making the hot morning drink out of briefs. He doesn’t wear briefs, his roommate does. With a lump or two (of sugar, too), the nuttiness was subdued.