NC (vo): There's nothing I can say about how awesome this movie is that millions of people haven't said already. It's a masterpiece of beautifully matched contradictions. It's colorful and obvious, yet dark and mysterious. It's energized and happy, yet slow-moving and patient. It has one of the worst fake accents of all time coming out of one of the most likeable characters of all time. It has some of the best songs ever written, sung by some of the best performances ever given, so much money, effects, care and effort from two polar opposite creative geniuses for an innocent little kids' story. Fred Rogers used to say it seems better to be deep and simple than shallow and complex. This movie seems like the definition of deep and simple, a one-of-a-kind mashing that can never be duplicated.

NC: But because we like to award Disney slumming it, (Posters of the various recent live-action Disney remakes are shown) let's try anyway!

(The title for Mary Poppins Returns is shown, before also showing its clips)

NC (vo): Mary Poppins Returns is the latest in a long line of unnecessary Disney sequels/reboots. You might be wondering, "Well, which one is it? Sequel or reboot?" Fear not, it sucks at both. Made 54 years after the original premiered, this was an attempt to recapture the magic and fresh ideas of the timeless classic. I guess it's not a complete loss of an idea. After all, there were more Mary Poppins books. There was even a hit Disney Broadway musical that had the author, P.L. Travers, overseeing the production.

NC: (chuckles) Don't worry, though. It doesn't try any of those smart ideas.

NC (vo): It instead tries to continue the story with a brand-new tale that somehow does the exact same thing the original did, except bad, and stupid, and bad.

NC: Well, I'm not accepting any Mary Poppins that isn't practically perfect in every way! That's why I'm calling in some very special help. (Whimsical music starts to play, as NC becomes entranced) Subtly beautiful music? That could only mean...!

(He runs over to a window to look outside. In the sky, Mary Poppins (Tamara) is floating downwards on her umbrella. The sight of Mary Poppins makes NC extremely happy)

NC: It's Mary Poppins! The original Mary Poppins!

(Giggling, he runs over to the front door as Mary Poppins comes in. NC remains in a giddy mood whenever Poppins is present)

(Suddenly, comical-sounding violin music is heard, confusing NC and Poppins)

Poppins (Original): Good gracious, what is that?

NC: It sounds like an annoyingly dumbed-down score that's confused for whimsical. (Gasps in horror) That could only mean...! (Runs out of the room and towards the front door, where Poppins is somehow already standing there) How did you get here?

Poppins (Original): I've always been here. Now, where is that dreadful music coming from?

(The front door opens to reveal a sinister version of Mary Poppins (Aiyanna), wearing the clothes of Emily Blunt's Poppins)

Poppins (Sinister): Hello, Mary.

Poppins (Original): Well, if it isn't Poppins 2.0..

Poppins 2.0.: I understand you want to change our Disney formula.

NC: Hey, hey, you stay out of this, Reboot...quel! We're trying to fix what you botched up!

Poppins 2.0.: A lot of things have changed since you last showed up, Mary. Disney is more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Poppins (Original): Powerful enough to steal from Star Wars?

Poppins 2.0.: We own Star Wars.

Poppins (Original): (legitimately impressed) Oh, very impressive.

NC: Hey, we don't care how much you own. You can't recapture the magic of dancing chimney sweeps...

Poppins (Original): Tea parties on ceilings...

NC: ...and snapping to get a job well done!

Poppins 2.0.: Oh, well, now in Disney, when you snap your fingers, something very different happens.

Poppins 2.0.: Oh, please. She was from the 60s. Children have no interest in seeing anything from an age with no cell phones. She needs an update, and I...am...that...update.

NC: You have no idea what children want!

Poppins 2.0.: We're Disney. We tell them what they want.

(Having revealed herself to have apparently seized control of Disney in NC's world, she looks at NC's DVD shelf, which has several classic Disney movies on it. NC looks on in horror as the classic movies are wiped out of existence as well)

Poppins 2.0.: All replaced, my dear boy. (The DVD covers of all those vanished films' live-action remakes, even the then upcoming Lion King remake, are now shown on NC's shelf) Mmm, it feels so scrumptious.

NC: You can't just erase these timeless classics like they never existed!

Poppins 2.0.: I already have. Now get on with the review. And don't try to alter the Disney formula, because if you do, I have a lovely ashtray with your name on it. Spit-spot.

(As sad piano music plays, a completely sad NC gives into Poppins 2.0.'s demands and slowly, bending down, walks back into his room to start the review)

NC: This...is the new and improved... (Speaks in a high-pitched voice as he starts to cry) ...Mary Poppins.

(We go back to Jack lighting the lamps around London)

NC (vo): As mentioned before, a semi-Bert named Jack, played by Lin-Manuel Miranda, sings a song about being a lamplighter.

Jack:(singing while riding on his bike) For you're underneath the lovely London sky... (He rides past St Paul's Cathedral, and on its stairs lies...a really familiar figure)

NC (vo; as a bird lady): I'm still feeding the birds. Just with my lifeless corpse.

Jack:(singing) Since you dreamed the night away, / Tomorrow's here, it's called today.

NC: Honestly, the one thing I love in this movie that weirdly gets a lot of flak...is the songs.

(Several song numbers in this movie are shown)

NC (vo): Yes, they're heavily mimicking the lyrics and melodies from the original, even down to the same order they're being played, but it's likely that's what composer Marc Shaiman was asked to do. "Give us another 'Chim-Chiminey', give us another 'Supercalifragilistic'", and so on. It's stupid that Disney wanted an imitation instead of something new, but with that said, they are good imitations. Clearly familiar, but still clever and hummable. Even if some of the singers go Michael Crawford on the last note.

(The clip of Kevin from this movie performing in a choir at a Christmas pageant, with Buzz putting two candles next to his ears behind him, is shown as the audio of Jack singing this line is played again)

NC:(in tears, as the shot of Kevin hugging the pigeon lady appears) His bird lady is still alive!

(The movie's title is immediately shown with the oil paintings of London at night serving as the background)

NC (vo): Through no segue whatsoever, we're given the opening credits...which clearly should have looked like this... (The title of the film is shown in the style of the beginning for Batman Returns, with the Penguin's cradle in the sewer as the background)

NC:(as the picture of Catwoman with Mary's face Photoshopped on it appears) Don't get me started on how Poppins should have looked.

(We're shown the siblings Michael and Jane Banks, played by Ben Whishaw and Emily Mortimer, returning home, where their remaining housekeeper Ellen, played by Julie Walters, resides, along with Michael's three kids: Annabel, John and Georgie)

NC (vo): ...as we see, like in the first one, the Banks' home in disarray.

Ellen: The bloody sink's exploded!

Jane: Oh, dear.

Michael:(rushing to the room) Oh, not again.

NC:(scoffs) That classic problem.

NC (vo): We see Jane and Michael have grown up, with Michael looking after the house with his three children: Boy #1, Boy #2 and Girl. I call them that because they have so little personality, it's not even worth mentioning their names for you to forget. Literally, any of their lines could be switched out with the other sibling, and it wouldn't make a difference.

John: Well, we have grown up a good deal in the past year, after all.

NC: Oh, now, wait a minute. I'm pretty sure that's a Boy #2 line.

Georgie: And why didn't Father believe you flew here on a kite?

NC: Well, now that seems out of character. That's clearly something Girl would say.

Annabel: So, you're staying?

NC:(chuckles, arms akimbo) Well, that's such a character inconsistency, it should write for the final season of (title of...)Game of Thrones! (Beat) Topical.

(Hamilton Gooding and Templeton Frye (Jeremy Swift and Kobna Holdbrook-Smith), the lawyers from the Fidelity Fiduciary Bank, where Michael works, appear at the house to warn Michael the new chairman Wilkins will repossess his house if the loan is not repaid in full)

NC (vo): Two lawyers from the bank show up, though, saying Michael's house is in danger of being repossessed.

Gooding: You took out a loan with the Fidelity Fiduciary Bank last year against the value of your home.

Frye: It's hard enough these days, isn't it?

Gooding: Yes. Well... Shh.

NC (vo; in a booming voice):(as the big caption appears, saying...) RACIST! (normal) So, I hope you enjoy a lot of bank talk with no songs. It's just a mere 10 minutes of seat-squirming boredom your kids have to get through.

(Various scenes of Michael and Jane's talk with the lawyers are shown)

Gooding: The bank is now demanding that you pay back the entire loan...

Michael:(to Jane) With Kate and the bills piling up, I really had no choice.

Gooding: You have fallen three months behind...

Michael: But I work for Fidelity Fiduciary.

Gooding: Not as an accountant. / It's all in the contract.

Jane: Your father left your shares in the bank.

Gooding: Do you have the share certificate? The document proving you own shares in the bank.

NC (vo): Something you'll notice quickly is the movie has no momentum. The first film opened with a lot of talking inside the house, too, but it was active, funny, moving, with songs, dance numbers. Even though they were talking about stuff kids would find boring, they made it entertaining.

(Back to the 2018 movie)

NC (vo): Here, what they're talking about is boring, and it feels boring. The only movement we get is Admiral Boom, played this time by David Warner, setting off his cannon, rocking the house...which we've already seen, done a lot better the first time they did it! Even when we do finally get a song, it's a slow, downer song, which doesn't feel earned because we've already been watching ten minutes of slow, downer stuff.

(Michael goes up to the attic and looks out the window)

Michael:(singing) Winter has gone, but not from this room...

NC (vo): In both versions, Poppins arrives around the same time... (The comparison of Mary's arrival in the two movies is shown, with 21-minute mark in the 2018 film and 23-minute mark in the original film) In fact, it's eerie how close it is...but this version feels so much longer. Maybe if there was something new or challenging being talked about, that would make up for a little bit. But we have a bank that wants to take away their home, a trope so old it's in The Three Stooges game... (The shot from this game is shown, showing the titular characters next to Ma's Orphanage that is out of money) ...three interchangeable kids seem perfectly well-behaved and get along with their dad...isn't that exciting new territory?...and, apparently, there's a dead mother, which we have never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...ever seen before.

Michael:(takes out a green kite) Why on earth did we save this old broken thing?

Jane: Don't you remember that kite?

NC:(as Jane) Father made it the minute he almost offed himself! Ah, good memories.

(Michael puts the box of the old stuff from the attic outside. Georgie, while out in the park with Annabel and John, sees the kite in the box, takes it and attempts to fly it)

NC (vo): When Poppins does finally show up, even that's a little weird. The kite flies away, and one of the kids chases after it, but the music sounds less like a magical friend is about to appear and more like the Empire is gonna blow up planet Earth!

(As Georgie manages to get the kite up in the air, the wind starts getting stronger, and thus, the music is sounding more menacing and dramatic. Cut to the clip from Star Wars: A New Hope, showing Alderaan being destroyed after it's hit by the ray of Death Star. Back to the movie, Jack sees Georgie getting carried away by the kite)

Jack: Hold on!

Georgie: Help me! (screams as Jack takes hold of his foot)

NC:(as Jack) Kite-eating tree, you will have no more child skeletons in your branches!

(The wind stops as Mary Poppins, played by Emily Blunt, wearing a blue coat and red hat, descends from the sky with the kite in her hand)

NC (vo): The kite, though, is retrieved by Poppins, played by Emily Blunt after robbing (picture of...) Agent Carter's wardrobe at gunpoint.

Mary: You need to be more careful when the wind rises, Georgie. You nearly lost your kite.

NC (vo): Wait. The little boy's name is Georgie?

NC:(trying not to laugh) Well, we all know what really should have been at the end of that string.

(The clip of Mary descending from the sky is shown, but with her being replaced by 2017's Pennywise the clown coming down with a load of red balloons)

NC (vo; as Pennywise): Hiya, Georgie!

Jack:(to the kids) I was just your age when we first met, working for a chimney sweep.

Mary: How is dear old Bert?

Jack: Traveling the world, he is. Off to points unknown.

NC:(as Mary) He's high, isn't he? (as Jack) Every day.

Mary: This family is clearly in desperate need of a nanny. (Annabel and John exchange the confused looks) Now, quick march and best foot forward, and I'll thank you not to dawdle. (leaves to the Banks' front entrance)

NC (vo): So remember, kids: when two strangers say they're going to force their way into your life and home, it's best just to go with it.

(Mary enters the house with the same strict expression on her face, to Michael and Jane's surprise)

Mary: I would have hoped I taught you better.

Michael: Good heavens.

NC:(as Mary) Nope, from the other place.

NC (vo): As you can tell from this creepy mirror shot...

(While speaking, Mary looks at herself through the mirror. When she goes away from the mirror, the reflection remains and glances at Mary leaving, raising an eyebrow)

NC: Seriously, just replace it with horror music, and it's kind of terrifying!

(The scene is repeated, but with a menacing brass sting put over)

NC: Either that, or she's checking herself out.

NC (vo; as Mary's reflection): Mmm, that is Britain's ass. (normal) Blunt is honestly pretty good as Poppins, and...really, to be fair, most of the actors do a good job with what they're given. But the motivations rarely make sense.

NC: For example, Poppins says this...

Mary: I've come to look after the Banks children.

Annabel: Us?!

Mary: Oh, yes. You, too.

NC (vo): ...obviously indicating she's mainly there to help Michael and Jane.

NC: But...she almost never talks to them.

NC (vo): Maybe the idea is, through the kids, she helps them out by making them better people, but...the kids seem fine. I dare even say, so unoffensive, they never make an impact on us.

John:(to Mary, in the bathroom) But I don't like soap bubbles.

NC: God, that's so Boy #2!

(Some clips focusing on Michael's children are shown)

NC (vo): Wouldn't it make more sense if the kids were more like adults taking care of things, and Mary Poppins has to teach them how to have fun again, thus forcing Michael to act more like an adult? I mean, we see a second of something like that, starting with the kids calling the plumber and running an errand later, but...that's about it. If there are other scenes, they're not properly explored, meaning there isn't enough to give them a proper identity, or even what should be the main conflict of the film much of an identity. Why not really flesh them out so this makes more sense?

(Poppins 2.0. appears at the door)

Poppins 2.0.: Did someone say this film's not practically perfect in every way?

NC: Yeah. You start off with good ideas, but never follow all the way through. Why don't you make the kids too bratty or too sophisticated? You don't give them an arc!

Poppins 2.0.: Because that would go against the Disney formula.

(She takes out a spoon and a bottle that has the words "Disney Formula" printed on its label. Note: on its back side, there is coat of arms of Russia for some reason)

NC: What?

Poppins 2.0.:(comes to NC's desk, pouring the formula in the spoon) The children were simple and likeable in the first film, so now it's part of the Disney formula we'll give you forever.

Poppins 2.0.:(tastes it herself and smiles) Rushed script. (goes to the door)

NC: You know, just because you make crappy new ones doesn't mean we'll forget how good the originals are!

Poppins 2.0.:(turns back to NC) Oh, dear. (puts the fingers up) Is someone ready to snap?

NC:(worried) No, I'm good.

Poppins 2.0.: Lovely. I've got my eye on you, Critic.

(She leaves the room, not pulling her eyes away from NC...then she sticks out her hand with two eyeballs between index and middle fingers! NC lets out a high gasp, startled)

Poppins 2.0.:(whispering and moving the ring and little fingers) Spit-spot.

(The hand slowly goes behind the door)

NC:(shaking in fear) I'm-a scared of Poppins.

(Michael's children dive in the bath Mary has prepared and find themselves swimming under and above the sea along with Mary)

NC (vo): Mary gives the kids a bath and a musical number that's honestly fine. It's not as groundbreaking as some of the other numbers in the original Poppins, but it's still a good song with some nice visuals.

Mary:(singing as they swim past the giant rubber ducky) Some people like to dive right in, / Can you imagine that?

NC: Hey, this really is Batman Returns! (The shot of the Penguin arriving on a rubber ducky from this film is shown) When does the Penguin bite Georgie's nose?

NC (vo): The only thing kind of odd is, despite Blunt doing a pretty good acting job and not just an imitation of Andrews, her sternness is well-played, but her smiling moments usually seem off. Something about Andrews pulled off, both strict scenes and delighted scenes so perfectly. Blunt always looks like she's gonna kill someone whenever she smiles. It's never quite believable.

(Cut to a scene where Mary sits in the bathtub, looking right at the camera and giving a smile. The dramatic brass sting is put over this moment, as well as the glowing red eyes)

NC (vo): Afterwards, the kids try to tell Michael about their adventures, but he's upset because he can't find the shares his father put away to help them in case a financial crisis like this happened.

Michael: I don't mean to be cross with all of you. I...I've just lost something very important.

NC: Oh, this is gonna be symbolic of how they lost a family member and how their anxiety over the finances are really tied to that...

Jane: And we're going to find it. I'm sure your grandfather...

NC (vo): Or we don't do that. Could have...really explored something meaningful there and found unique ways to deal with loss...but screw it, it's much easier just to say one bad guy is causing all your problems!

(The bank's chairman, William Wilkins, played by Colin Firth, is first shown)

Wilkins: Who'd have thought this slump would be so good for business, eh?

NC (vo): Colin Firth plays a snobby British bad guy...

NC: Imagine... (The screenshot of W Magazine's "7 Times Colin Firth Killed as a Movie Villain" is shown)

(Michael and Jane visit Wilkins' office and ask for the proof of the shares)

NC (vo): ...as Jane and Michael try to ask for proof of their stock, but it seems he can't locate it. Guess what, kids? More bank talk! (The sound effect of children cheering is heard)

Wilkins: Regarding an extension, there's very little I can do.

Michael: Our father did leave us shares in the bank. / You wouldn't happen to have any record of Father's shares, would you?

Wilkins: Doesn't seem to be a listing for George Banks here. / (on the phone, to his secretary, Ms. Farthing) Bring in all of George Banks' old files, would you?

NC: Okay, the other Poppins film had the bank as a boring place, too, but it was...entertainingly boring, cleverly boring!

(The Fidelity Fiduciary Bank and its workers, as shown in the original movie, are shown in clips)

NC (vo): There were songs, there was choreography, there were funny characters. It was fun to watch as a child, even if you didn't know the details of what they were talking about. This one is long-winded, slow, and no kid in the right mind would follow it. In the first film, you get it. Michael wants his money to feed the birds and his father wants him to put it away. Done. Easy. No kid would be able to follow any of this boring as hell technical talk!

NC: Tell me which one of these a kid, or even an adult, for that matter, would probably prefer watching!

(Cut to the 1964 movie)

Bank workers and Mr. Banks:(singing) And you'll achieve that sense of stature...

(Cut to the 2018 movie)

Wilkins:(on the phone, to Ms. Farthing) Bring in the shareholder's ledger, would you, Ms. Farthing?

NC (vo): On top of that, there's a big difference between a villain and an antagonist. In the first film, the bank is the antagonist. Here, it's the villain. The bank in the first movie is not evil. They think they're doing good by helping Michael invest. The idea is Michael is too young to be thinking of things like that. He should be allowed to still be a kid and spend what little he has on something ethical. Learning morality is the most important at that age. Then, when he's a little older, he can start saving up with the responsibility of knowing what's truly important. Mr. Banks isn't evil, he just lost track of what's important. Even Mr. Dawes isn't evil. He could have just taken the kids' money by force, but he waits for him to open his hand, trying to convince Michael if he handed it over. He's sneaky, but he doesn't think he's doing wrong.

(In the 2018 film, Wilkins burns the page from the ledger in the fireplace after Michael and Jane leave)

NC (vo): This guy clearly knows he's doing wrong, crumpling up the proof that can save Michael's house and burning it.

(Cut to the clip of Wilkins speaking with Gooding and Frye)

Wilkins: And lose our chance to get that house? I don't like to lose, Mr. Frye.

(We cut back between the clips of both movies)

NC (vo): Yeah, whatever problems you're going through, don't try to understand it by seeing things from a different point of view; it's just some bad guy out there! You're just good, he's just bad, and any soul-searching about understanding others that could bring people closer together?

NC: Supercali-blow that shit! There's just bad guys! And you found him! Problem solved! (points at the 1964's film's poster) Why was this a classic again?!

NC (vo): Oh, because they didn't have an "us versus them" mentality? (scoffs sarcastically) Stupid mature crap! (Aloysius O'Hare from 2012's The Lorax is shown)Lorax was a hit, you idiots! Bad guy it is!

(NC suddenly sees Poppins 2.0.'s hand popping out of the door and preparing to snap its fingers)

NC:(shivering, giving a nervous smile) I mean, it's...practically perfect in every way.

(Annabel and John decide to sell their mother's "priceless" bowl to pay off the debt. Georgie tries to stop them, and the bowl becomes damaged while the three fight over it)

NC (vo): The kids accidentally break a ceramic bowl that could possibly be sold to get money for the house. Hey, why don't you start by selling those kids' robes you don't need? Christ, half the stuff in this mansion could probably pay off two houses!

(Mary and Jack observe the children arguing over who broke the bowl...and then everybody hears the two voices coming out of the bowl)

(The kids, Mary and Jack meet the animated dog coachman named Seamus, voiced by Chris O'Dowd, and see the broken wheel of his carriage)

John: But he's...

Seamus: That's right. I'm Irish.

Georgie: I want a carriage ride!

Mary: Seamus, would you mind?

Seamus: Not in the least.

NC (vo; as Seamus): I, the Irish dog, would be more than happy to drive the English wherever they like. (in a booming voice) RACIST!

(Everybody travels around the bowl on Seamus' carriage)

All:(singing) Royal Doulton Music Hall!

Seamus: Here we are!

(They stop to see an empty space)

Annabel: But where's the music hall?

NC:(as Mary) I blew it up. They wanted a cover charge, so I covered them in ashes.

(As NC speaks, we are shown more scenes of Mary, Jack and the children traveling across the bowl, soon arriving at the Royal Doulton Music Hall, which is populated by dozens of animals)

NC (vo): It is nice to see hand-drawn animation again, and the design is very cleverly mixing the three dimensions of the bowl with the two dimensions of the paintings. But, again, we've already seen this. It's a bowl instead of a sidewalk. Okay, what else? Nothing is ever upped in this movie aside from the technology, which, as I said before, is good, but not groundbreaking like the original.

(The animated and sharp-dressed wolf, badger and weasel, which are voiced by the same people who played Wilkins, Gooding and Frye, greet the visitors on their way to a tent)

Wolf: Mary Poppins!

NC (vo): Oh, wait. There is one change, and, big surprise, it sucks ceramic balls. Apparently, even the fantasy world has bad guys in it. Yeah. That's a thing now.

(The shot zooms in to the elephant actually giving a wide-eyed stare at the viewers)

NC (vo): That elephant is giving me the dead eyes!

NC: Why do half the characters in this look like they want to slit my throat?!

NC (vo; as the elephant, in the same creepy tone): I have plans for you.

(Georgie notices the shadow of the wolf playing with a watch and goes outside to see him, the weasel and the badger are talking away the shrunken objects of the Banks family)

NC (vo): Speaking of which, the real threats show up, as Georgie notices the wolf is stealing parts of their room. And yes, I know I said I wasn't gonna name the kids because they're forgettable, but...come on, his name is Georgie and Part II is coming out. (The poster for the upcoming It: Chapter Two is shown) The comedy police could arrest me for not referencing that!

(The hindcarriage goes down the edge of the bowl, and the kids fall in the dark, screaming)

NC:(grinning) Welcome to Hell, children! If you feel something uncomfortable, that's just the everlasting damnation of your soul!

(The kids suddenly awaken in their beds, Mary sitting next to them)

NC (vo): They all wake up, as apparently, it was a dream they all shared.

John: But I had a nightmare like that, too.

Annabel: So did I. It seemed awfully real.

Georgie: I miss Mother.

NC: ...Who? Oh, right, right, there's a dead mother in this, right.

NC (vo): Poppins sings a nice song about remembering their mom, which is definitely needed, because I think this is the first time the kids even bring up missing her. And we're halfway through the movie! Would have been nice if there was more focus on both the kids and Michael missing her and trying to bond as a family to get through it, but we need to focus on more important things, like psychotic kidnapping wolves and document-burning bankers.

NC: You know, relatable stuff!

Poppins 2.0.:(approaches NC with a tape measure) Apologies, but, despite your complaints, most critics agree this film is wonderful.

NC: What?! Impossible.

Poppins 2.0.: Really? Let's see how this film measures up.

(She brings the tape out to measure the length and shows it to NC. The result on the tape actually proves Poppins 2.0.'s words to be correct)

NC: "80% on Rotten Tomatoes". Really?

Poppins 2.0.: Now, let's see how you measure up.

(She quickly measures NC's head and torso and shows the result to him)

NC: "Cynical jackass who hates new things". I don't hate new things! I hate lazy things! I wish there was more new things in this...

NC (vo): ...but the stuff that's kept the same is so emotionally empty, and the stuff that's added is so unrelatable and cliched!

NC: It's not that it's new and smart, it's that it's acting like it's new and smart!

Poppins 2.0.: Oh, come now. We're the best of both worlds. We're like a Disney reboot and a Disney sequel.

NC: But does that mean that gives you an excuse for fast, lazy writing?

Poppins 2.0.: You forget, Critic. We are Disney. We are perfect in every way.

NC: What happened to "practically"?

Poppins 2.0.: I snapped it out of existence. Would you like another demonstration?

NC:(gets nervous) No, I'm good.

Poppins 2.0.: Very well. Enjoy the rest of what Mary Poppins is now and will forever be.

(She quietly leaves the room, smiling, almost floating, and not glancing away from the shocked NC)

NC:(puts his hands together and closes eyes, imitating the Cowardly Lion) I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do, I do, I do believe in spooks, I do...

(We go to a commercial. When we come back, we are shown the next day, where Mary, Jack and the children prepare to go out to find someone who can fix the bowl)

NC (vo): So Poppins and the kids try to visit someone who can fix the bowl. Jack offers them a ride in a...whimsical scene?

(Mary, Jack and the kids ride on Jack's bike as joyful-sounding music is heard)

NC: You know, as good as the songs are in this movie, the musical score is friggin' obnoxious!

NC (vo): Bouncing in a bike can be kind of neat, but after breathing under the ocean in your bathtub, talking with animals, and almost getting killed by Monopoly Balto, this really doesn't warrant a "whoa, the whimsy" music.

NC: (smiling) But you know, that'd be subtle, and Mary Poppins is just a dumb thing for kids! You're not supposed to get that involved!

(The final scene of Saving Mr. Banks, showing P.L. Travers crying at the first screening of the original, particularly the famous scene of Mr. Banks solemnly walking to the bank, is shown)

NC (vo): Well, one way or another, we're doing a song on the ceiling. (The clip from the original, showing Uncle Albert's floating tea party, appears) And at the exact same point as the other mov...oh, you're used to that by now.

Topsy: And I don't know my up from my down, my east from my west. My topsy from my bottomsy.

Topsy:(singing while standing on her head) Oh, woe is me! / Now I'm on my head. How can that be?

NC (vo): You know, perhaps if the room kept spinning or the house flew over the neighborhood or something like that, that'd be kind of cool. But this really doesn't seem that magical, because it's just an upside-down room they prance around in. That's it! A set that's cool for about two seconds, and then they just kind of run around in circles.

NC:(as the photo of an upside-down attraction is shown) That's a carnival funhouse, not magical whimsy!

(The children hand the bowl over to Topsy, but they find out it has little monetary value. They go on to the bank to ask for help themselves)

NC (vo): The cousin says she'll try to fix the bowl, as Poppins and the kids run an errand at the bank. (The clip of Mr. Banks visiting a bank with Michael and Jane from the first movie is shown) Because we're at that part of the movie now.

(The children see Gooding and Frye going up the stairs. Frye cheerfully waves to them, and Georgie waves back, but Annabel puts his hand down)

NC (vo; in a booming voice): RACIST!

(The children sneak up on the second floor and overhear Gooding and Frye speaking with Wilkins behind the door)

NC (vo): They follow the two lawyers to the big bad banker who discusses his evil scheme, "Maniacal Laugh".

Wilkins: You are not giving Banks one more second to pay off that loan.

Georgie:(sees the swinging watch in Wilkins' hand on the shadow) Look. It's the wolf.

(Georgie walks out the door and scolds Wilkins)

NC (vo): Ah, yes. As the song goes, the cover is not the book, unless you had a dream about a cartoon wolf who held a watch a certain way. In which case, judge the hell out of that person, because you had a dream about it! It's just facts!

Georgie: Run!

Wilkins: Close that door, Ms. Farthing!

(Gooding does close the door, but only after the kids have run away)

Wilkins: Fool. Stop them. (opens the door for Gooding)

NC: What would he even do if he caught them? (wiggles his fingers as the iron spiked chair is shown) Strap them to the bank chair?

(The kids meet Michael on their way and try to explain everything, but are interrupted by Wilkins)

Wilkins: Your children burst into my office. I was just seeing if anything could be done about extending your loan, when they came in claiming I was trying to steal your house.

NC:(as Wilkins) I believe they're also...communists.

NC (vo): Of course, Michael doesn't believe them, as the big bad banker subtly threatens them. God, these are such emotional problems we can all identify with!

(Wilkins gives Georgie a candy in his hand and forcibly closing it in a fist. The sound effect of fingers crackling is added)

Wilkins: After all, you don't want your father...losing his position.

NC:(as Georgie, observing hand) He broke bones I didn't even know I had!

(Mary takes the children home, as the night falls and the fog starts spreading over the streets. The clips from the "Step in Time" sequence from the 1964 movie are shown)

NC (vo): What time is it? Oh, it's "getting lost in the dark, and calorie-free Bert comes along to make everyone feel better with his pals" o'clock.

(Jack guides Mary and the kids through the sewers)

Jack:(singing) Trip a little light fantastic with me!

(The group comes across several lamps standing in symmetrical positions, all turning up one-by-one and revealing Jack's lamplighter companions)

(All the lamplighters dance and jump around the lamps in unison, shouting "Oi!" several times)

NC: Okay, so if we're supposed to think, "Oh! Wow! This is just as magical as the first time they did it!", let's really compare the two.

(The highlights of the "Step in Time" sequence are shown in more clips)

NC (vo): At this point in the movie, it's a rush of energy, stunts and music. It's clearly a set, but it doesn't feel that way. It's dancing on rooftops, with all sorts of various shots and effects that make it feel like a whole wide world that you've never seen has been opened up to you. It's an incredible moment you wish would never end.

(Back to the "Trip a Little Light Fantastic" scene in the 2018 film)

NC (vo): This looks claustrophobic. It looks like a set, and it feels like a set. It's choreographed like a stage show, as opposed to a movie, which for something like Chicago is fine, as it's a movie about stage shows, but with Mary Poppins, you want to feel like something grander is being offered. You want "Step in Time" to keep going, switching from one cool location to the next. Here, you just feel trapped, like a school that dragged you to a children's play that brought in BMX bikers, because the younguns are into that, right? Where in the first one, you never wanted it to end, this one, you just want it to stop, so we can move on to the next scene you're ripping off from the first movie. Oh, the magic. Ehh.

(Michael, who is not exactly happy, sees Mary and his kids returning home)

Michael: Where on earth have you all been?

NC (vo): Speaking of which, they find their way home, as Michael yells at them for nearly costing him his job.

Michael: And you, Mary Poppins, I thought you were here to look after these children!

(After the kids sing the song Mary sang to them earlier to comfort him, Michael quietly forgives his children for being angry, embraces them and lets them go)

NC (vo): The kids sing the song Poppins sung to them earlier, once again taking on the parental role, proving there is no arc for them, as they were hinting they had the parental role before, and even that they didn't do much of, so I have no idea how any of these characters are supposed to have changed. Oh, wait, maybe they spontaneously beat it into me?

Michael: (to Mary) The whole time I've been looking after them, they've been looking after me.

NC: Something so felt by the audience, we had to spell it out for you.

NC (vo): So, I guess, Michael learns that the kids were helping him. (Beat) Did he not think that? Things seemed chaotic, but his connection with the kids seemed fine. Is he gonna focus on getting his life more organized? Nothing indicates that, he still works the same job and seems like the same person by the end.

(The clips of Mr. Banks in the 1964 movie having a realization are shown)

NC (vo): Mr. Banks in the original learns that being young and full of life is precious and he should let his children live that life while they still can, while the children learn that though he's not perfect, their father works hard and provides for them, and they should learn to appreciate and respect that.

NC:(as the caption appears below him, saying...) Disney. We used to be good at this. (The snippet of the logo theme is heard again)

(As midnight on Friday approaches, the Banks family prepare to move out of their house, though with a much more comfortable and content mindset. While examining his old kite, Michael discovers that Georgie used the missing share certificate to mend it)

NC (vo): So they pack up the house and plan to live at Jane's, but...wait a moment! One of the papers Georgie used to patch up his kite is just the proof of shares they need to keep the house!

NC: Well, clearly, Mary Poppins can just (puts his hand up) use her flying umbrella to take it to the bank...

Michael: What's the time? Anyone?

John: Um, seven minutes to midnight.

Michael: Seven minutes. It's not enough time. We need to be at the bank by midnight.

NC:(getting confused, stuttering) M-magic umbrella?

Jack: Take the van.

John: No, it's no good. You still wouldn't make it in time.

NC:(is even more abashed) Ma...gic...umbrella?...

Jack: Go and gather the leeries.

Lamplighter: Right. (runs off)

Jack: Children, help me ready the bicycle.

NC:(through clenched teeth, getting furious) Ma...gic...umbrella?!

(Mary, Jack and the kids prepare to ride on the bike, with Mary at the wheel)

John: Have you ever ridden a bicycle like this before?

Mary: Oh, please. How different can it be from riding an elephant?

NC:(shakes head) I think that's a song we missed, but magic umbrella?!

(The group, accompanied by dozens of lamplighters on their bikes, rides to the bank before the clock can strike twelve, while Michael and Jane go by van)

NC (vo): This is why a stupid bad guy plot doesn't work in a world like this. The threats were emotional, not physical. But, since they've changed that, now it makes no sense why this 90s kids' film climax is taking place! I'm just waiting for (photos of...) black vehicles and fruit carts to be dragged out!

Jack: Ladder!

(The lamplighters toss Jack several ladders so he can climb on top of the bank. We cut to Wilkins calmly waiting in his office)

NC:(as Wilkins) ...I just wanted to remind you I'm Colin Firth. Back to the climax.

(More lamplighters join the others, as Michael and Jane arrive to the doors, but the entrance is closed)

Jane: Hello?

Michael:(looks at the kite he's holding) Jane.

Jane: What?

Michael: Let's...let's go fly a kite.

NC: Yeah. I'm positive that line was written to always be the start of an action scene. Mary Poppins, you're so back!

(The famous scene from the original that shows Mr. Banks slowly and solemnly walking to the bank is shown)

NC (vo): It's simply a man walking to his job, about to lose the majority of how he valued himself. It has no dialogue, no action, no exciting music, it's just a person walking to the end of a major part of his life, thinking about what's most important.

(Pause)

NC:(scoffs sarcastically and waves off) That's just kids' shit!

(More clips from the 2018 film's climax are shown as it cuts back between this and NC)

NC (vo; speaking excitedly, almost yelling): We need to turn back the clock so the big bad banker can't take away our house! Ooh, look at those bike stunts! Ooh, look at them climb that building! Hurry, hurry, hurry to big bad evil bank!

(Cut back to Mr. Banks walking to the bank from the original)

NC:(calms down) Wow. Suddenly, I'm thinking about...

NC (vo): ...what matters most to me, evaluating this eerie, yet peaceful environment what I hold dear and I should focus my time towards.

(Pause)

NC:(scoffs sarcastically again) Pffft! Somebody needs to grow up!

(Cut back to the group breaking into the bank)

NC (vo): You need to catapult people into the air, man! The kids going, "Yaaaay!" And the big bad bank trying to keep Jane and Michael from getting in to save their home!

NC: I mean, what's this?!

(The small clip of Mr. Banks from the 1964 film is shown, showing him stopping in tracks and looking with awe at the empty stairs that once were the bird lady's place for staying, and after that, collecting himself and resuming walking)

NC (vo): Banks looking at where the bird lady used to be, making him question what's most important to life: a profit or simple pleasures, suggesting that children watching the film can handle complex, emotional ideas?!

NC:(snickers) This is why people forget you're a thing! You need...

(The following in the 2018 film is shown as described, also showing Mary flying above Big Ben and turning the clock back five minutes)

NC (vo): ...the kite to kick open the window, so the big bad banker's papers can go flying all over the place! And only at the last minute, does Mary Poppins finally help by talking to the air because SHE HAS A GODDAMN FLYING UMBRELLA!!!

NC:(almost laughing and pointing at the original's poster) Man, what a bunch of dogshit I've been watching all these years! Mary Poppins Returns...

NC (vo): ...you're the update I've always been waiting for!

NC: Disney... (does a fist-and-palm salute and puts his head down) I bow to you. (Beat) No, seriously, go to goddamn hell!

(The Banks family collect all the pieces into one, but find one is missing)

NC (vo): So even after all that, it appears-

NC: GODDAMN HELL!

(Wilkins' uncle, the bank's previous chairman, Mr. Dawes, Jr., played by Dick Van Dyke and looking exactly like Dawes, Sr., arrives and sacks Wilkins on the spot for his corrupt business practices)

NC (vo): So even after all that, it appears it's still not enough to save the house. But Mr. Dawes, Jr., cleverly casted with Dick Van Dyke, comes in, saying he's taking control of the bank back and to leave the house alone.

Dawes, Jr.:(singing and dancing) So when life's a real pea-souper, / You must choose to be a trouper...

NC:(as Dawes, Jr.) My accent still sucks...

(Dawes, Jr. jumps on Wilkins' table and dances on it)

NC (vo; as Dawes, Jr.): ...but I can do this, even though I'm a million!

NC:(as Dawes, Jr., crossing hands) Bitches got nothing on me!

Dawes, Jr.: (to the kids) Michael wanted to give his tuppence to a bird lady. He decided he'd give 'em to his father. Michael's father gave those tuppence to this bank.

NC: ...Wait, what?

Dawes, Jr.: And after several quite clever investments, that tuppence has grown into quite a tidy sum. Enough to pay off that loan you took.

NC (vo): ...to Michael*. I mean, it is still...his money, and he was fired from that job. Good to know he did the exact opposite of what Michael wanted at the time, arguably defeating the entire purpose of the movie.

Actually, it is as Dawes, Jr. says. Mr. Banks, after being fired and understanding Mary Poppins' lessons, handed the tuppence to Mr. Dawes, Sr., and says that he should guard them well. While not clearly stated, this can be seen as an investment to the bank.

NC: I guess the moral is, the bank is evil. Don't devote your life to it. (Pause) But if...

NC (vo): ...other people devote their life to it for you, allowing you to massively profit in the end, (chuckles) that's totally fine!

NC:(grinning) Do you have any idea how to movie, movie?!

(The next day, the Banks family, Ellen and Mary walk in the park)

Michael: What a beautiful day to be going back home.

NC:(as Michael, looking above) The only one London's supposed to get this year.

(The fair is going on in the park, and the group approaches the balloon lady, played by Angela Lansbury, who says they should pick the balloons carefully)

NC (vo): We get a genuinely nice song and cameo from Angela Lansbury, presumably meant for Julie Andrews, but she was busy working on (poster of...) Aquaman. Which was released the same day. And kicked its ass.

(The photo of a smiling Jason Momoa is shown with Doug's voice saying "Nice!" In the movie, everybody, including Banks' friends and neighbors, fly around the sky, holding by the balloons)

NC (vo): Regardless, it is still a nice scene and a clever send-up to "Fly a Kite", because it actually ups the visuals and the ideas, like what the rest of the movie should have been doing.

All:(singing) And there's nowhere to go but up, up!

(The Photoshopped Pennyside shows up, still floating on a bunch of balloons)

NC (vo; as Pennywise): Hiya, Georgie!

(Wilkins looks at the sky and buys a balloon for himself with the rest of his money, but it doesn't go up)

NC (vo): But is there any redemption for our big bad banker? (Beat) Nope.

NC: But those ideas are never fleshed out and are instead replaced with a lazy, lazy, lazy script. And you can't be lazy with Mary Poppins!

(The clips from the 1964 film are shown alongside its sequel's clips)

NC (vo): The original had dignity, subtlety, and a surprising amount of restraint when you now see what it could have been. It will be remembered always as a classic. This will be remembered as that movie you put on to shut your kids up. It's bright and colorful, and means very little, despite it trying to mean very much. And as movies like that go, you can show it to your kids fine, keep them distracted for a few hours.

NC: But that's not what Mary Poppins is supposed to do.

NC (vo):Mary Poppins is supposed to entertain your inner child, but also challenge your inner adult, making you think hard about what's important, when it's important, and why it's important. (The photos of Walt Disney and P.L. Travers are shown again) It was brought to us by two people who believed in the story just as much as they believed in the kids they told the story to. This just feels like a corporate cash-in, trying to recapture the magic because...eh, it was still popular. Maybe we can do the same thing again and make a couple bucks. For some, those nostalgic feels will hit close to home, and if they do, I can't blame you. You're gonna have an emotional response to certain icons, and Mary Poppins is a very easy icon to get emotional about. But where that Mary Poppins was truly something special, this Mary Poppins is just another kids' movie, created not to be unique, but just to make money. Where the original was the very definition of deep and simple, this is the very definition of shallow and complex.

Poppins 2.0.: My dear little hobgoblin, do you know what I do to people who talk to me like that?

NC: I don't care! The movies you are trying to do reboots and sequels to deserve better than what you're giving them!

Poppins 2.0.: What, a gigantic budget?

NC: Money means nothing without caring. And all you care about is making money off of these because they're popular, even if you don't understand why.

NC (vo): They may look like the original characters and sound like the original characters, but poorly copying what they did doesn't make them the original characters. It just makes them a poor copy.

NC: And for the sake of those timeless characters you're trying to replace...I call bullshit.

Poppins 2.0.:(puts up her fingers, preparing to snap them) And I call upon the satanic powers of my snappy fingers.

NC:(winces, bracing himself) Worth it.

(Suddenly, both hear a thunder rumbling. After that, a portal that is similar to one from Avengers: Endgame, forms in the prop room, and the original Poppins flies out of it, much to 2.0.'s shock)