October 26, 2017

Our film @onemoreshotdoc is FINALLY born!

It's been over a month since I've written and I think I've been a little nervous. The film Noah and I have been working on for YEARS, One More Shot, is finally being born! (You can pre-order it here). And while I am so excited that it will get out there and hopefully help erase some of the shame and stigma and isolation people feel, I'm also anxious, though I'm not totally sure why.

Making this film was very cathartic for us for a variety of reasons, the main one being it was something we could do when we couldn't make a baby, and it really helped us process. It's been really interesting to come full circle with the film and feels like a huge emotional release of our whole journey. It's like we aren't holding it in for ourselves anymore-- it's just out there. And having this record of it (where I am way skinnier and look waaayyyy younger) solidifies it as part of our past. That journey is complete. Now being back into trying for #2 (I've hit a few snags, surprise surprise, and will know on Friday if I can move forward with a transfer in Nov) it's kind of strange. In a way it's like aren't we over this stuff-- the doctors appointments and searching for the cheapest pharmacy for meds and wondering/waiting to see what my body is doing so we can attempt to make some plans? That's soooo 2014. And yet here we are. The film is being born and we are back in the trenches.

But the birth of this film means a lot to us and we hope it means something to others. I've been writing some blog posts for other blogs and writing from different angles, because there are so many. There is the emotional side of living on IF Island, there's what happens to relationships and friendships and marriages, there's grief and loss and joy and learning to shift perspectives on what family means. There's trying to reconcile the gap between what was expected and the reality of an assisted baby making process. There's the question of why we chose to share in the way that we did and what it means to be "infertile" (I really hate that word). I could go on and on, but this is all the meat of what is in our feature length film.

I think I've been a little quiet here lately because I've been slightly overwhelmed and crazed, but also a little reflective about all of it-- our journey to Momo, how Momo might feel seeing the film when she's older, how scary her birth was. There are little snippets of memory that float around my mind between driving to the doctor or trying to encourage Momo to pee in the potty. Sometimes it dawns on me how insane this has all been and how incredible our child is and how lucky I feel to have all of it, however exhausting. I'm not sure if I'm making sense but I'm going to do my best to be a little more present here and perhaps use this space to turn these snippets of thoughts into something more coherent.

More than anything, though, I have to say thank you to everyone who has ever read this blog, emailed me, commented, or been impacted by parts of our story. The support I found here and what I learned about others heartbreaking journeys really helped me believe in our film and feel confident in its purpose. Because our story is the same story of millions of people who feel totally alone in their experience. And that's not ok. I hope this helps people feel less alone.

Though some tears will be shed while watching, there is also a lot of hope. We hope this movie helps to validate the experience of infertility and normalize the different ways people can make a baby. Pre-sales started earlier this week and we are donating part of those sales to the BabyQuest Foundation. We were lucky enough to be grant recipients in 2012 and are forever grateful to be part of the BQ family.

Please help us spread the word! And don't judge me for wearing the exact same yoga pants and grey sweatshirt for three solid years.

Maya, I am so excited to see this film. I have been reading your blog since I was diagnosed with DOR and I return to it repeatedly to go over old entries because it makes me feel so much less alone. Thank you for writing and I am on edge waiting to see this documentary!

I have read your blog for the last couple of years. My husband and I struggled to conceive for 5 years. We live in the UK and were lucky to receive IVF on the NHS and were successful on our first attempt. Our beautiful daughter was born in August and I feel so blessed every single day. But my experience of infertility has left a deep emotional scar that I will never forget. Your blog gave me so much comfort and your experiences are described with clarity, warmth and true emotion. Thank you for helping me through.

I have been keeping an eye out for your film release. Is there any possibilty of putting the film on itunes UK, I can't seem to access it on the US version?

Just wanted to respond to Martha: Before you tell all your friends to get their levels checked, I'd encourage you to look into the latest research about how unreliable a test of fertility AMH levels are. They can be really misleading. It seems that AMH tells you a lot more about likely responses to ART stimulation (or PCOS if your levels are high)than about fertility in general.

I just think the science is way behind where the ART industry claims it is in a lot of ways. Beware...

I know exactly how you feel about wondering "aren't we over this stuff?" when trying for number 2, and having those "snippets of memory" in between taking care of your child. I spend six years and five miscarriages before having my son in 2013. After what felt like a too-brief respite, we were back to trying again in 2016. I had a surgery to remove fibroids, lining issues and then two more miscarriages and a BFN. Last week I had a D&C for the second miscarriage - I really thought it would work, betas were great, at first ultrasound everything was where it was supposed to be, but then the heart never started beating. We have more frozen embryos but I don't know how much longer I can go through this...it's putting such a strain on my family. We may be moving forward with adoption instead, although who knows what that will bring. So many tough choices. I'm glad I found your blog and look forward to your film.

Thank you, Maya. Thanks for sharing your story, thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone, thanks for putting into words the thoughts and feelings that sometimes are just a scramble in my brain. I am really looking forward to the film, I just need to get the courage to sit through it because everything feels so raw right now.

I've commented before and shared my situation but to recap - we had our success in 2014 with the birth of our daughter after two failed IVF cycles. Well, as an update we can fast forward to 2017, where I tried an additional two times with my last two frozen embryos - I miscarried the first one at around 12 weeks back in May, and this one finds me in beta roulette. In fact, just this week I looked back at your very early P blog posts about Momo to remember how YOU got through that particular time. If there's anything I've come to expect from this entire journey, it's certainly to expect the unexpected. If this doesn't work I honestly don't know what we'll do from here, but I'm sure my gut will tell me sooner or later.

Anyway, I just want to say that your blog has been a great source of comfort to me and I've been and will continue to be so happy to cheer you on. I look forward to a positive story about your next embryo transfer and wish you the very best with the success of the film and of course your future baby making endeavors!

I came across your blog today and I could've written one of your posts "Why is ovarian reserve diminished?" I literally think of calling every female friend who is not married yet, planning to have children, engaged, etc. and telling them "freeze your eggs, check your levels!" I know that sounds crazy and I know we shouldn't tell other people what to do or inquire about their plans, but... I wish SOMEONE, anyone, a friend, a relative, a stranger would have told me :( My husband and I took our sweet time, to buy a home, build careers, etc. and we've been together for 6.5 years. I couldvé used my eggs from my mid and late 20s and have no issues now... This is such an emotional and frustrating process. I am glad I found your blog and will check out the film.

Hi Congratulations! I once started making a film of my experience through assisted reproduction as a way of giving my husband and I something meaningful to do if the whole thing didn't work out. Luckily it did work out. Our son is 7. I wish we'd finished the film anyway - but now I can live vicariously through you!
I contributed to your gofundme using an old email address.
I replied asking them to update my info but they never did.
Can you contact me?