“When should I get up in the morning?” “What is the first thing I’ll do when I get out of bed?” “What will I eat for breakfast or will I eat breakfast? “Today I am going to buy that shiny new object and accrue debt.” “I can cross this ethical line, just once.”

On and on … we make little daily choices.

They add up. Over time, these choices become our habits – conscious or unconscious, wanted or unwanted.

While they may seem somewhat benign at first, these little choices make up how we live daily.

Unfortunately there are some choices that are not in our best interests or in service of our commitments and values, so our mind starts rationalizing: “OK. Just this once. A few more times won’t hurt. I’ll have that conversation with X later. I’ll start/stop doing X tomorrow, next week, after I turn 50 … ”

Yet think about it. This is your one precious life. How do you want to create your life?

All these little choices add up to the life each of us chooses to create. It is the “drip, drip” of the water that over time carves out a rut that keeps us stuck, or a flow that carries us forward.

These aren’t just habits that we have at home. I am talking about the whole YOU. Meaning, your private and public self; the way you are with your family, friends AND the way you LEAD. There is no separation, much as we’d like to think so.

Wherever we go, there we are.

Some of these choices create the pile of dirt and dust under the carpet that we ultimately trip over, and end up hurting ourselves, and often others.

These little habits become our patterns of living and interacting. They affect our mental, physical, spiritual health and wellbeing.

How?

…If I decide upon waking to meditate and this becomes a habit, my spiritual, emotional and mental wellbeing can be enhanced dramatically.

…If I choose to support rather than criticize, my interactions with people will become more joyful and loving and they in turn, will benefit. I will feel better about myself too!

When faced with BIG CHOICES–the forks in the road that determine the course of our life–our little choices feed into the forks we ultimately choose.

These choices determine the course and direction for our life. Yet, many of us are sleepwalking down the road. These BIG CHOICES take us on a path and on an adventure to an unknown destination. Should I go to university? Drop out of school? Marry X? Have children? Take X job? Leave X job? Follow my dream? Buy that house? Move to X? What are the little habits that feed how we make these big decisions and which path we choose?

Then there are these seemingly small, yet BIG CHOICES – the ones we make between staying true to our core beliefs and ethics or not. Unfortunately, once we violate our own ethics, it becomes easier and easier to cross that line again, until we rationalize it as OK, “everybody else is doing it …” Suddenly we are on a path, perhaps to our own self-destruction and to hurting countless others.

The GOOD NEWS is that we can course-correct. The locus of control is within us.

We can either choose to create our lives consciously, with vision, purpose and intent, or be carried away by invisible currents to a destiny not of our conscious choosing.

I have found the Enneagram to be a useful shortcut to self-awareness, because it helps bring many of these unconscious habits and patterns to light. It gets to why we think, feel and act in patterned ways and to our beliefs about ourselves and the world that undergird our choices.

If you want to peel back the curtain on your life and begin to consciously choose the path you are walking, the Enneagram is a great way to do that. I can say that the insights have been breathtaking and life changing for me personally and I have witnessed this for countless others.

With awareness, you choose: Where do you want to place your focus, time, attention and energy?

Your day can be like a meditation. Observe your thoughts and choices. Don’t judge. Watch. Now what? Choose wisely. Move toward creating the life you desire. Ask yourself, “what will get me closer to the results I want?

While it’s not something talked openly about in “polite” conversation, there’s one thing that everyone in the world has in common—the inner critic. It is found in every hard-held opinion and judgment, in every comparison, in the loud inner voice or the nearly inaudible buzz that fills up our inner space.

When you feel stuck or find yourself procrastinating on something really important, the Inner Critic is active. It’s also at the core of many interpersonal conflicts and unresolved racial, ethnic and religious/secular relations.

There is no question, the way we experience ourselves is intimately related to the amount of internal space we give to the inner critic! Whether you work hard to bolster your sense of worth, or carry a certain resignation that simply being enough will forever evade you, you know the Inner Critic is active.

It can’t help but affect your relationship to yourself and to others, to the decisions that shape your life, how you do life, and how you lead.

Left to operate on its own, it exacts a heavy price that’s ultimately paid by a scarred and deadened soul.

With such profound consequences, our Inner Critic presents perhaps some of our most significant opportunities to open our eyes to the truth of who we really are.

Here’s the kicker, while it can show up under any and all circumstances in life, the Inner Critic becomes particularly activated and accelerated when an individual is on the path of real change and growth.

If you ask, “What can I do to make a positive difference in my own life and in my interactions with others?” one of the most tangible and potent places to focus your energy is in changing your relationship to the Inner Critic.

You can begin by learning to decrease the amount of power you give to it. As you do so, you make room for your more authentic inner guidance and authority.

Not surprisingly, the Enneagram offers enormous insight into the Inner Critic and its relationship to the experience of inner authority that is possible for each Type. When your relationship to the Inner Critic shifts, you have more energy and momentum for your life purpose and more room for what your soul and heart are destined to express.

Dr. Roxanne Howe-Murphy is a pioneer and global leader integrating the Enneagram and coaching. She founded the Deep Coaching Institute, a leading Enneagram coaching school that serves an international student body, and the Deep Living Institute for spiritual and life practice. She is the author of Deep Coaching: Using the Enneagram as a Catalyst for Profound Change, which has provided guidance to thousands of coaches around the world. For information on Roxanne’s work, go to www.deeplivinginstitute.com.

As I prepared to enter a new year, I began a journey of inquiry with this question, “What am I committed to?”

One word … COURAGE, demonstrated through courage in work, courage in choices and courage in relationships.

Courage at work. I went to an international conference to deliver a paper and to speak on a panel. While at the conference, I sat in on a talk by a Harvard professor. He suggested that people who manage change in organizations should align more closely with the needs of senior leaders and deliver skinnied-down versions of the change process.

My body had an immediate response to his suggestion. I felt a twist in my stomach and my hand shot up in the air. “Are you suggesting we collude with these folks (participate in their illusion), knowing full well that what we deliver won’t get them the results they want?”

Just after that session at the conference, I had lunch next to the VP HR for a global Fortune 50 company. He was in the same session with the Harvard professor. I asked him what he thought, and his reply was, “Wendy, I have a family to support.”

My interpretation, “Wendy, if I tell the truth and do the right thing, I will lose my job.” Certainly, many external consultants believe we won’t get the work if we don’t dance to the beat of the client drummer. I wonder? Is this fear based in reality or a belief we hold based on … experience?

When my clients hire me, I believe they choose me and pay me to give them my best advice, do great work and deliver exceptional results. If I tell them what I think they want to hear instead, I’m not doing my job and I am doing a disservice to my client and client system. I have to have the courage to tell the truth, give them my best advice and risk that they won’t like what I propose and therefore won’t hire me.

Courage in Choices. A colleague relayed an illustrative story to point to the kind of things she regularly faces in her work with clients. Candice is a very effective and successful executive coach. Currently, she is coaching one of her clients, Alexa —director level — to negotiate with her boss to be able turn off her mobile phone between 6:30-8:00 pm, so Alexa can spend time with her three young children. Alexa is struggling to make this request of her boss.

Candice continued , “while the economy has picked up, during the crisis people were asked to do more with less and it’s become the new normal.” I’ve checked this out with other colleagues to see if it matches their experience. I heard a resounding, “Yes.”
Does this sound familiar to you? Do you find this at all disturbing? I do.

Has anyone seen the research that shows more hours worked, less private / family time, being “on call” at home, yields better results, increases productivity, innovation … ? I haven’t.

What is the cost to society when parents are distracted while working while at home, less time is spent with their children and no boundaries exist between work and home? What is the cost to the individual, to the organization as stress becomes the norm? The science tells us it’s not good.

From The Idealist FB Pagehttp://on.fb.me/RqxTIb

Courage in Relationships. When we embark on love relationships, we set the tone and patterns of interaction right at the beginning–and these patterns are hard to change once established.

The longer we are in relationship, we let things slide, we are often less willing to have the difficult conversations and speak the truth. It feels riskier, yet it is another paradox. Playing it safe, rather than playing to win, is what dulls, wounds, or kills relationships–at work and in our private sphere.

We begin to collude (co-illusion) because we fear the risk of what might happen if we say or do something the other person doesn’t like or doesn’t want to hear. Will we be rejected, abandoned, fired … ?

Rather than say and do what needs to be said and done. We stop telling the truth about “what’s so.” We do a disservice to ourselves, our clients, colleagues, friends and family.

Looking to 2013

What are you committed to as you look forward to 2013 and beyond? What do you want to create in your organization, in your community and society?

Can each of us muster the commitment and courage to examine our guiding beliefs and see if they are really true? Can we practice telling the truth without blame or judgment; give voice to what we see and know in our hearts? (Angeles Arrien, The Four-Fold Way)

Have you ever had one of those days when it seems nothing is going right, when life feels like a continual struggle? The glass appears half-empty and you are wearing those “ain’t it awful glasses?” All you can see is what’s not working?

Shhhh … don’t tell anyone, but in times like these, I want to crawl under the covers, curl up in a fetal position and suck my thumb or just rail against the world and stay enveloped in self-pity.

I had one of those days recently. At some point in my life, I learned to recognize the symptoms and and how to cope. My historical coping strategy was to realize that other’s have it far worse than I. However, that only serves to make me feel guilty for feeling bad.

What works for me is to take a big long break. Over and over, I have found that working longer and harder makes things worse.

I’ll never forget the story of my friend, Laura who was suffering financially. She was afraid she’d lose her home and everything she tried, fell flat. Business was slow. Laura was alone and she wanted to meet someone–a special someone.

Her response was to take the last of her money and visit a friend in Paris, to take a long deserved holiday. Of course, this seems like a crazy thing to do when your finances are rocky. But working harder was getting her nowhere. When she came back from this wonderful holiday, opportunities began to open up. Work became plentiful and she was able to keep her house. She is now quite happily married too.

Sometimes a change of scenery to offer a change in perspective or to shift your energy, is just what’s needed. Often, we sit in front of the computer and just work longer hours–for diminishing returns.

A Winter’s Day

My strategy is a version of Laura’s. When I spend time in nature and in the company of good friends, I feel replenished and so much better. I know I need to take a break–sometimes a few hours, sometimes a day …

My friends allow me to vent so I can get it out of my system. Exercising gives me energy, nature helps me see the wonders of life and puts me back into a state of awe. It takes me out of myself so I see the bigger picture … the majesty of life and the world around me. Nature teaches me about resilience, strength, creativity, simplicity, and mystery …

I come back to myself and hear my deceased dad’s words in my head, “honey, tomorrow’s another day.”

And so it is. This is what I have learned, over and over.

It is a common experience that a problem difficult at night is resolved in the morning after the committee of sleep has worked on it. – John Steinbeck

On this occasion, I returned home to find some important emails waiting for me with good news. The next morning, calls came in that helped resolve several problems I faced. My mood lifted. Those vexing problems of yesterday began to evaporate. The sun came out and I stood on my terrace facing the mountains and soaked in the warmth of the sun. It was a good day.

When I hear that people commit suicide, I think, “but if only they had waited another day.” Life is such a mystery and we never know what wonders or what special helpers are just around the corner waiting for us, if only we ask for help.

Marissa Mayer, newly appointed CEO of Yahoo, announced she was pregnant just after her appointment. Could she take on the turnaround of Yahoo and be a “good mom?” Would one or both suffer? Would she really want to return to work just after the birth? And on … Endless speculation by the media.

These questions were widely discussed and debated in the social media as well, via blogs, Twitter, Linkedin discussions, Facebook, etc. Marissa was just listed in Forbes Magazine as among “The Most Fascinating Women of 2012.”

The announcement about her pregnancy stirred up sentiments about the implications for her ability to right the Yahoo ship and be a first-time mom, all at the same time. Women weighed in heavily.

Last week, I watched CNN International broadcast an interview with Marissa, and she impressed me. The CNN international newscasters had some repartee after airing the interview. The female newscaster’s comment was something to the effect of, “You could tell her analogy to Vince Lombardi was rehearsed.”

Is that all she could say about this young woman who has taken on a huge turnaround responsibility, is under the glare of the spot light and tremendous pressure while bringing a new child into the world? It was petty.

These are subtle/not so subtle ways that women undermine each other. Would she have made the same comment about a man? Where was the awe? This young woman has demonstrated tremendous courage by taking on such a huge responsibility and challenge, while knowing she would be under the microscope and have to endure endless criticism, second-guessing, critique and commentary about her every move.

Interestingly, the male newscaster who reported the story came to Melissa’s defense and said something like, “Of course, at her level she will have had these lines rehearsed.” And he was right.

I am all for critiquing, but just to find something to pick at and criticize smacks of undermining. Until this point, I had enjoyed this particular newscaster. In her defense, some of this stuff is so insidious, we don’t realize we are doing it. But we are.

Women’s leadership means giving a hand up, mentoring, supporting, building up … not tearing down. How are we going to make it, break the glass ceiling and help bring our world back into balance without caring about and for one another?

There are a ton of women’s organizations, Linkedin groups, radio shows, TV shows, etc., who purport to all about women, yet I see some of the same undermining going on in many of these groups as well.

Perhaps first, we have to accept that this is our human condition. Maybe it’s some kind of human survival urge. We need to be aware of our tendency to compete in some subtle and not so subtle ways. Then, we must commit to transcend it. Our survival, in fact is going to count on all of us pulling together, not tearing each other down. With awareness, we have the possibility to alter the way we act and interact … to gently lean into our very human tendencies rather then play them out. And evolve.

I offer this as a possibility for hope:

The next time you see one of your friends or colleagues doing well, succeeding against the odds, just sprouting new courage–find ways to support them. Tell them how amazed you are by their strength and courage. Tell them how you see them, in the best possible light. It will put fuel in their tank to carry on … and you know what? It will make you feel really good too.

A pivotal moment of self-awareness came in grad school. I offered a T-Group workshop to several of my classmates and set the context with a talk on group and interpersonal dynamics along with an explanation of an interpersonal feedback model. This stuff was my passion.

I was prepared. With my 3×5 cards in hand I was certain not to forget anything, and I would be able to follow a logical sequence.

I loved to transfer knowledge and I wanted to appear smart, clever and competent. Yes, it was true then and still is still true now.

What happened? About 10 minutes into my speil, one of the participants turned her head away to gaze in the distance. It was clear she was disengaged and wanted to send me that message.

So I asked what was up and she told me that it was distracting to have me read from my cards. “Why don’t you just tell us what you know? I’m bored listening to you read from your cards.” I turned to others in the group and they concurred. Ouch.

I put down my cards and spoke from my experience; from memory. The group energy shifted from disengaged to engaged. We shared, conversed and they got what they needed. They may not have learned everything I could have shared, but that wasn’t really important.

Most of the time, less is more.

This was a hard lesson. I had feelings of shame. Yet, the outcome was superb and I learned. It took many more trips and spills to develop trust in myself and let go of my crutches.

This year has been filled with opportunities to practice what I learned all those years ago in grad school. Since launching my book, I have traveled to the UAE, France, South Africa, and the USA. There have been radio, newspaper and magazine interviews; opportunities to speak to a variety of groups, at conference and lead workshops. Each time I showed up, it was without cards.

I had to trust what I knew, trust that whatever I was meant to communicate would come through me. I had to trust that I could respond effectively to whatever I was asked. I had to remember to take whatever time I needed to respond; that I could decline to answer; that I could say, “I don’t know.” I have been told on more than one occasion that I “come alive” when I speak without a crutch. But it is so darn hard to just let go and trust.

The results have been magical. My experience with each person or group has felt like time outside of time and the feedback has been better than I could have imagined.

I have come to realize that it’s also about the conversation; about what is co-created in the room (or in the interviews), rather than one-way communication. We all have something to share, something to offer, and something to learn from one another.

What does it take to develop this ability?

Know your subject matter

Prepare and let go

Remember that you are an expert in your chosen field

Be fully present; listen in, while listening out

When I do this, I am in tune with my inner dialog and inner sensations that guide me to know when to say something and when to hold back, how to respond, and what to share. I am tuned into the group or person and sense into their needs. This is leading from your center (the center of yourself).

It’s not so much about what you know or about being clever. It’s how you show up and how you make people feel around you.

By being self-aware, you invite self-awareness in others. By being present, you invite presence in others. By being real, you give permissions for others to do the same.

To develop this ability takes practice. Try it in low risk situations and see what happens. You’ll be delighted with the results.

If you have had similar experiences, please share. I’d love to hear from you.

Avarice.
Stinginess.
Protecting myself from energy drain by apportioning my time and choosing my focus.
Believing that no one will support me.

If I squint my eyes and look sideways, just so, I can make those words fit. But there’s another that brings coherence to these other words: Transcendence. I’m always looking for a way to make an enterprise get up and dance, to find the third rail that plugs right into the source. That’s why I’m so bloody impossible sometimes.

It’s why you want me, an Enneagram Type 5, on your team.

“This business of maintaining both the “I” and the “we” – and not losing either when the going gets rough – is the largest of all human challenges.” –Harriet Lerner, Marriage Rules

When the pressure to turn “I” and “we” into “I” versus “we” escalates, I won’t. Why settle for choosing one over the other when committing to both “I” and “we” transcends the limits of either? This is why you want some 5 on your team.

I strengthen the “we” by walking the path of “I” and inviting others to join me. Wildly divergent views don’t bother me. I’m unlikely to settle for “living with it” when I can see a way for us to be fully committed without cutting off anyone. Groupthink is repugnant to me. But, if you want to walk out of the room knowing you’ve just made magic together, you might want a little 5 in the mix.

Specifically,

I’ll see things differently and say so.

I’ll say what’s unspoken.

I’ll see connections between wildly different viewpoints.

I’ll ignore details you think important in favor of the picture forming – and reforming – in my head.

I can get the team all the way to a real yes.

Is there a downside? You betcha.

I’m the person most likely to be doodling when you think I should be giving my full attention to the speaker or task at hand. (The accompanying doodle is what I did when I was “supposed” to be writing this article.) I won’t think to tell you about a recent study linking doodling with a 29% increase in retention. I’m full of these irritating little factoids and practices, always geeking out about something.

A room full of 5s is likely to yield pristine, beautiful, and perfect ideas that need just a little more tweaking before their utter genius lights up the world. If you don’t shove the occasional pizza under the door, we can waste away in there. A deadline – a real deadline – is critical. Insisting on shopping the idea around is enormously irritating to us 5s, and enormously helpful, especially if we are free to ignore the feedback (we won’t). As much as we’d like to outdo Einstein and turn everything into a breakthrough that transforms the world, planning the company Christmas party probably doesn’t warrant that level of attention. Please stop us.

But when the situation is complex or thorny and can only be solved by refusing to choose for “I” versus “we?” Get some 5 on it.

Liz Williams owns Collaboration Zone, a consultancy that helps people do their best work ever and enjoy each other in the process. She blogs about collaboration, works with clients primarily in healthcare, teaches at Alliant University in the California School of Professional Psychology, and doodles.

Even in a business context, one of the most frequently asked questions I get is, “What would be a compatible Enneagram Type for my Type?” Love relationships confound the best of us and no one seems to have the secret sauce to produce that ideal relationship.

People are willing to spend quantities of money on therapy, books, dating sites that sort compatibility, workshops that promise to help you better understand and untangle relationships to find the perfect mate.

Relationships occupy a huge part of our time, focus and attention. They remain one of life’s great mysteries.

Can the Enneagram help? “Is there a most compatible Type for me?” you ask.

Yes, the Enneagram can help, and “no” in my experience there is no perfect match for each Type. If you go by Harville Hendrix’s theory, we unconsciously choose mates to help us heal childhood wounds with one or both of our parents (or caregivers).

We choose mates for other reasons as well …

We choose them because they are easy and familiar.

We choose them because we have something to learn from the other Type.

We choose them because we have an underdeveloped part of us that is crying out to grow and evolve.

We choose our complement.

This holds true for business partnerships, people we hire to work for us and friends as well.

Another factor that affects who we choose and attract may have something to do with our stage of development in life. One woman I know (Type 6, Loyal Skeptic) was married to a Type 9, Peacemaker. Her second husband was a Type 8, Boss. I also know a Type 8 whose third marriage was to aType 8.

I find people often choose Types that are one of their Enneagram Type’s connection points. For instance, I see many 6/9, 7/1, 2/8 Type pairings. There is something we need to learn from our two connecting points.

Let’s look at an example of a Type pairing that does not fall under any of the aforementioned qualifiers, yet I have encountered several of these pairs in love and business relationships (excerpt from the section Dynamics and Distinctions in my book InsideOut Enneagram):

Type 6 The Loyal Skeptic and and Type 8 The Boss

Type 6s like to be protected and feel safe, and Type 8s like to protect. Type 6 can be very loyal, and Type 8 demands loyalty. Both Types are very active and busy. Type 8s have a more focused and intentional way of being active, while Type 6s keep busy trying to allay their own anxiety. Both can accomplish a great deal when they work in tandem.

As long as Type 6s are willing to follow Type 8s’ lead, the two can make a great team. Type 8s are big risk takers, and Type 6s will do what it takes to help Type 8s in their endeavors, all the while warning about what could go wrong. Type 6s have ideas but fear taking the necessary risks to make them a reality. When Type 6s know that Type 8s are standing there, ready to catch them if they fall, Type 6s feel safe taking risks.

Type 8s are impulsive and act before fully thinking things through and weighing the potential consequences. Type 6s can be very helpful to Type 8s by looking at worst-case scenarios and potential pitfalls, as well as creating back-up plans. Type 8s are full steam ahead, and Type 6s pay attention to the dangerous creatures lurking below that can trip up the best-laid plans of Type 8s. Type 6s are skilled at preparing for eventualities that may come. Because Type 8s are very direct and clear about who they are, where they stand, and what they want, they tend to build trust with Type 6s quickly.

Type 8s can learn to pay more attention to the potential downsides of their actions and plans, and to manage to them. Type 6s are gifted at making plans, preparation, and research, and bring intellectual rigor. If Type 8s don’t choose to develop those abilities, they will value Type 6s’ contribution to their endeavors.

Type 6s’ areas for growth include self-confidence, the courage to take action on their ideas, and being less risk adverse—all qualities that Type 8s have in spades. Type 8s trust their gut instincts, and while Type 6s may be aware of their instincts, the voices of self-doubt and “should” usually win. Type 8s have something to teach Type 6s about listening to, trusting, and acting on their instincts. Type 6s can teach Type 8s about humility, to slow down and look at the potential consequences of their actions.

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In order to individuate, as Carl Jung called it we begin to develop these underdeveloped parts of ourselves rather than believe we can get safety, protection, acceptance, focus, discipline, containment, vitality, loyalty, trust, etc., from someone else. Ultimately, we can provide these things for ourselves and become more whole.

The bottom line: we can partner with any Type. Critical in all of this is to remember your reactions are 100% about you. Your partner is a wonderful mirror for you to see yourself more clearly, if you are willing to look.

I’d like to share a success story. It’s a case study of a leader and team that soared, how they did it and the specific results they achieved.

I had the privilege of coaching and consulting to a health care department (made up of four teams) for two years. Personally, I had very high satisfaction because I was able to work with the team step-by-step and witness their evolution and the gains they sustained over an extended period of time.

The situation: As luck would have it, the department chief, Dr. Chan and the department manager, Janice were both newly appointed and highly motivated. Dr. Chan was open to learn, willing, and dedicated. He was not a charismatic leader but he was respected for his technical skills. He was known as responsible and reliable and therefore had earned some trust going into his new role. By dedicating resources to the team’s development and education, he demonstrated his commitment to the team.

The department’s physical work environment was antiquated and cramped. Although they had been promised a new clinic for several years, there was no new construction on the horizon.

Metrics: The department was measured quarterly in five key areas against 18 other like-departments within the organization.

Employee Satisfaction

Service / Customer satisfaction

Quality

Access to care

Budget

They occupied the bottom 1-3 positions Service / Customer Service metric for a few years running. Additionally, they broke records for workers comp claims and sick days. There was team divisiveness. And as you might imagine low employee satisfaction.

Recruiting for new hires was tough because of its reputation as a dysfunctional place to work and the cramped and inadequate working conditions. There was high turnover, they were continually short-staffed, all of this adding to their stress and job dissatisfaction.

So let me get to the punch line now. As a result of effective leadership, this department pulled together, soared to the number one position and stayed there for several consecutive quarters. Last I checked, they were still the top performers after two years.

They became Service Stars

Employee satisfaction improved significantly

Quality Maintained

Access Targets Met and Maintained

And there was a positive “ripple effect” on areas that weren’t targeted for improvement:

Efficiency Increased

Lowered cost of care

New workers’ Comp claims reduced

Absenteeism reduced significantly

If you want to know how we did it, read on …

What were the conditions for success?

Dept. leadership agreed that change was needed

Dept. leadership agreed to commit to team development for the duration

Dept. leadership secured sponsorship of Medical Center administration

Dept. leadership and medical center administration alignment

Secured OD consultant and coach resource for ongoing leader and team development

What did we do?

I did a department-wide assessment, wrote up my findings and proposed a plan of action. Together with the department chief and manager we formed a plan to engage and involve the entire department in developing a vision, goals and strategy. Dr. Chan and Janice agreed to commit to three department offsite meetings per year, monthly team meetings and weekly department leadership meetings. We added a two more members to the leadership team: the chief of service and physician communication, and the labor partner.

Based upon the assessment, the focus for team development was to:

build trust by:

getting to know themselves and each other better

using diversity as strengths

learning to communication effectively

learning to collaborate

engaging in healthy and productive conflict

learn how to make decisions together

hold each other accountable

learn how to run effective meetings

have fun together

Together, they built a department culture to engender

Open communication

High involvement and engagement

Collaborative problem solving

Consensus building

Labor / Management collaboration

Celebration of success

Reward and recognition

The leadership behaviors that contributed to the overall success of this department are not necessarily the ones you hear about. Dr. Chan was fairly quiet and unassuming, he was humble and he was open and willing to learn. Janice was a bit of a maverick, optimistic, creative and extroverted. They aligned and stayed in sync so that nobody could work one against the other. They both demonstrated caring and warmth. Despite his discomfort, Dr. Chan learned to confront the disruptors.

By dedicating resources to team development and agreeing to implement decisions generated by the department, they both demonstrated a commitment to change.

With skin in the game, they built trust with staff and administration. As administration witnessed the results of their focus on team development, they continued to resource it. This department was recognized for their successes within the medical center and across the region.

We didn’t do anything fancy, there was no charismatic leader, and Steve Jobs was not needed for this assignment. They used leadership basics, and that goes a long, long way.

KEY TAKEAWAYSEngage and involve your people, give them an opportunity to influence business operations and make a difference. Surface the wisdom of your team collectively and individually.Take care of your people and they’ll care for each other and the customers.Be trustworthy.Build team trust–that is the foundation for everything else. That singular focus had a positive and lasting impact on all the metrics.

Your two greatest assets: The way you lead and your team. These are your key leverage points to shift the system and change everything.

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Does this sound familiar? Love to hear your comments!

I was gratified to hear the president of the American Management Association say, “We expect leader-like behavior from many many more people in today’s organizations.”And It turns out that the American military has begun to train leaders to lead by intent rather than lead by being prescriptive.

The implication is that leadership is not a position, it is a way of being and it requires that we develop a more intimate relationship with ourselves and a better understanding of each other.

In psychological theory, Carl Jung called this process of getting to know ourselves; of bringing our unconscious material to light, the process of individuation. It is the journey of human evolution.

Individuation means that we embrace all that we are, (individually and collectively) and become brave enough to take off our defensive armor and go exploring like the hero of myth and story.

Individuation builds our capacity to see ourselves and each other for all our attributes, complexities and creative gifts as well as our messier, perhaps less preferred character traits.

This process of individuation also applies to the development of teams–to create leader-full teams. More on that shortly.

The most well known team development model is: forming / storming / norming / performing

Many teams get stuck and never move beyond the forming / storming phase. Why? A key contributor is that most of us walk around with an unconscious assumption that people see what we see, perceive what we perceive, hear what we hear, and think like we think. If they don’t, they damn well should.

We have to get beyond this to tap into the team’s creativity and unlock the doors to innovation.

Collage by David Templeton

The most effective way I have found to address the “be like me” syndrome is to use the Enneagramsystem with teams.

When people discover their Type and learn each other’s Types, it opens the windows of perception. People begin to see the value of differences.

I love seeing flashes of insight when team members “get” that people are different from them and perceive the world differently. In these precious moments, we learn to listen differently, “see” through a wide angle lens, and begin to appreciate differing world views and individual attributes.

In these moments we begin to understand one another and to better understand ourselves.

Then the real work begins. The team needs to develop its muscle to integrate the differences and leverage them for performance. Differences can tear us apart if we judge them or we can harness their strengths.

Individuation (the process of differentiation and integration) needs to take place at both the individual and team level.

Our self-awareness and self-management can strengthen group effectiveness.

The brain is an open loop system; in other words, it is not just an organ that resides in our heads. We activate each other’s triggers and moods catch like the flu.

Think of a time you entered a group and were feeling positive and upbeat. After awhile, you noticed that people were complaining and their energy was lack luster and disengaged. How long did it take before you started feeling the same?

Less aware individuals contribute to an unhealthy team environment. An unhealthy team environment can take down some of the healthiest individual players–or they leave.

Individual development aids team development and vice-versa. They feed each other.

The beauty of working with the Enneagram for team development is that it brings to light key underlying drivers for our habitual patterns of interacting, thinking, feeling and acting. It uncovers team strengths to be harnessed and liabilities to be managed. We get to know ourselves and each other in ways we never imagined.

If you can’t see it and acknowledge it,
you can’t manage it

Once we surface some of our patterns, we can begin to unravel them and develop new ways of interacting and acting. We can take concrete steps to develop new ways of being–individually and as a team.

Now we’ve entered Norming / Performing–until the new team members join, and then we start again … Teams are a bit amoeba-like, constantly forming and reforming; reintegrating and differentiating. And so are we, if we are committed to learn, grow and evolve.

Leader-full teams are teams made up of people who take responsibility for their work, their words and their actions. They are committed to grow and evolve. The person in authority (read, Boss), needs to create an environment where people can learn and grow and make a difference that matters; where each person can contribute their unique gifts and talents.

I just heard Robert Tobias, American University speak about leadership development. He said:

There is a necessity for leaders to develop their inner life—to challenge themselves to become who they are and be relationally transparent—that is, to become authentic and to care.

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I’d love to hear how you help grow leader-full teams. Please weigh in and join the conversation!

I’m pleased to share a guest post from Janet Crawford today. Janet and I will be co-hosting a workshop October 17th. I hope after reading this post you’ll understand why I’m so excited to hear more from her.

It happened again just last week. My brother and I were out to dinner with friends from college when I decided to tell a family story. Mid sentence, he interjected with a correction, “No, no….that’s not exactly right….what really happened was….”

I politely conceded that it was possible that I’d gotten it wrong and continued the story, but barely a few lines later, he grinned and rolled his eyes for comic effect, “Here, let me tell it…”

I wondered, “Were we describing the same event? Was my memory really that bad? Was his? Oh dear! Had I inherited my mother’s charming, but often exasperating tendency to rewrite history so as to be able to tell a more entertaining story?”

About 15 years ago, I became fascinated with studying the brain and how, from a biological standpoint, we make sense of reality. That study has helped me better understand these episodes.

It should come as no surprise to anyone with siblings, that disagreement over the content of shared family experiences isn’t unique to my brother and me. Likewise, in my role as an executive coach, I can tell you there are often as many interpretations of a tense meeting as there are people in the room. But why is this a universal phenomenon and what does it have to do with the Enneagram

The Memory Myth

For a very long time, our understanding of memory resembled a kind of internal video/audio recording system. Perhaps part of the tape would get lost or erased, but our “equipment’ recorded a shared sensory “reality” and the tapes remained static over time.

Neuroscientists will now tell you definitively that it doesn’t work that way. Even during the original experience, we are all encoding different information based on sets of deeply held patterns through which we filter reality.

Over time, those original memories constantly shift based on new information that impacts how we view what happened way back then. Immediately after an event, reports from two individuals won’t be the same.

Our internal filters have us notice different things and interpret them through different stories. After twenty or forty years of constant re-filtering, the memories often have very little in common.

What are these deeply held patterns and where do they come from?

Infants enter into the world hungry for sensory experience. While they delight in their explorations, they are not equipped to make sense of them. They have no roadmaps for how to respond emotionally or intellectually to all that surrounds them.

For that, they rely on copying their caregivers’ physiological response to conditions in the environment. Our crude biological logic informs us that our best bet would be to behave as our parents do. After all, they survived long enough to produce us!

If they tense up under certain conditions, so do we. If they remain relaxed, our infant bodies do the same. From those physiological expressions, we know to feel fear, anxiety, excitement, openness, guardedness, etc. Little by little, we form a set of fundamental emotional perspectives on the world that will likely endure throughout our lives.

Almost all of these basic emotional filters are acquired before the age of 18 months, a critical point in brain development marking the beginning of explicit autobiographical memory.

Because our emotional patterns were formed in response to events that preceded our ability to remember them, we don’t “see” our patterns. Our emotional interpretations and responses just seem like “the way it is.” They are transparent.

It appears that the deepest emotional filters seem to boil down to a handful of patterns, things like our sensitivity to vulnerability, deprivation, abandonment and exclusion.

The Enneagram, I believe, may be a very elegant system based on centuries of observational data, for naming and working with those fundamental patterns. As central to our identity as our emotional programming is, it is possible to rise above it and choose when, how and if to be under its sway.

The world is populated with people who carry differing perspectives, stories and filters on reality. The lesson learned from interactions like the one with my brother is something I carry into all parts of my life.

When someone vehemently disagrees with me or misunderstandings crop up, I’m less quick to judge and more likely to ask, “How might my lens be creating a distorted (or partial) view?”

My brother and I were both there, we both have a memory and we both have at best only part of the “truth.” Fortunately, we get that and over the years we’ve gained an appreciation for the unique perspective we each bring to the here and now. All of us have important relationships where perspectives differ. Whose lens could you understand better and what tools and practices do you need to get there?

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Janet Crawford

“Applying neuroscience to leadership matters. Science is revolutionizing our understanding of what it is to be human. An explosion of advances in human neuroscience is giving us a window into why people behave as they do and how we can manage our environments and behaviors with others to maximize results. These new scientific findings challenge old assumptions of what it means to lead.” – Janet Crawford

Janet Crawford, expert in the application of neuroscience research to coaching and leadership, will explain what’s happening at a biological level when you play out Enneagram habits in our upcoming Insight to Action tele-workshop on October 17. She’ll facilitate practical explorations of ways to recognize our patterns and relax their grip. For more on this workshop, click here.

On a recent hike with friends I mentioned, “Usually I see ‘heart rocks’ when I am walking, but I haven’t been paying attention today.” No sooner had those words left my mouth, when we all noticed a heart-shaped rock on the trail ahead.

Today I set my attention on finding heart rocks. I saw at least 10.

What we pay attention to, we amplify. Our focus shifts and we begin to see what was there all along, while our attention was elsewhere.

Have you ever had the experience of something (a word, a concept, a brand …) brought to your attention, and immediately you notice it everywhere? Did you wonder whether it was synchronicity? Perhaps something you were unaware of before is now in your field of vision?

There are Two Essential Ways of Beingfor leaders that motivate their followers, help bring out their best and help them see beyond what they think is possible:

Pay attention to your seeing. What you focus on, you amplify.

Heart Cloud

Where is your focus of attention? Is it on problems, what’s wrong, what’s not working … do you easily find fault with others?

If we focus on problems, what’s not working or someone’s annoying character traits–that is what we see and we often see it to the exclusion of other things. We see more problems, more of the character traits we expect, more …

Problems start to grow

A Story

Several years ago, I lead a meeting to improve the interactions, information and patient flow and overall processes between in-patient and out-patient OBGyn and Maternity.

The group began to identify all of the ways the processes didn’t work, all of the problems, patient complaints, MD complaints, and on … until someone finally said, “What are we doing?” Great question.

The group vitality and energy had been sucked right out of the room. We created a list of problems and issues vast enough to overwhelm the best of us.

In a moment of inspiration, I restarted the conversation by asking, “If you could create your ideal department with smooth transitions, rewarding interactions, satisfied members, patients and physicians and you were highly motivated and happy at work, what would would be going on? What would you see, do, hear; what would be in place in terms of process and flow?”

The group energy soared! The wall was full of sticky notes. Ideas and associated actions to further develop the ideas, had been generated. When the meeting ended, we were poised to join the physicians the next day and build on the work we did together. As we began to leave the room, someone turned to me and said, “What did you just do?”

2. People live up (or down) to your expectations of them.

This goes for how leaders act toward and view others as well as how others act toward and view people in positions of authority. Remember thePygmalion Effect?

creator unknown

In their study, Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson (1968) set out to demonstrate that our reality can be influenced by other’s expectations and set up self-fulfilling prophecies. Their research demonstrated that if teachers expected a higher performance from some children rather than others, those children did, in fact rise to their expectations. Rosenthal identified four ways teachers behaved differently towards the students for whom they had more favorable expectations:

They created a warmer climate. They are nicer in the things they say and also in the non-verbal channels of communication

Input. They teach more material to students for whom they have more favorable expectations

Response / Opportunity. They call on these students more often and let them talk longer. The teachers help and shape the responses with them and help the student articulate the response.

Feedback. If more is expected of a student, the student is praised more for giving a “good answer.” These students receive more positive feedback. Interestingly, the teacher will accept a lower quality response from these students.

It doesn’t take much to contextualize these four behaviors in a business setting. Remember times when you’ve seen this play out in team meetings or by those in leadership? Who is (are) the favorite(s)? Who did you favor? What was the effect on you if you were favored or not?

Leader beware: In 1979, Feldman and Prohaska wanted to test the reverse–could a student’s expectation about the competence of a teacher’s performance bring about the expected behavior?

In fact, the study found that, “there were significant effects on teachers’ attitudes and behavior.” What goes around, comes around.

Now let’s connect these two human tendencies and see how we can shift our focus and actions:

Pay attention to your seeing. What you focus on, you amplify.

People live up (or down) to your expectations of them.

Suggestion: Seek out the best in others and give feedback accordingly. Dr Lois P. Frankel, author of See Jane Lead, wrote about the 7:1 rule:

Give people seven pieces of positive feedback for every developmental criticism.

Most of us avoid giving developmental criticism and when we finally do, it is unplanned and ends up coming out as sharp, blunt or abrupt. OR we give feedback without specific suggestions or an offer of assistance to develop the desired behavior. OR we behave in ways that let people know we disapprove or are dissatisfied, and then leave them guessing.

From personal experience, it feels so delicious and rewarding when I offer positive, authentic feedback. I found this to be largely true for both for the giver and the recipient. You are in essence, filling up their tank with jet fuel when the recipient feels seen and valued.

Experiment: Look for the inherent gifts, the positive in someone who pushes your buttons, someone you don’t like, someone who you believe is a low performer. Then give authentic, positive feedback to that person. Notice how you feel and how that person responds. See what happens over time.

Do you treat certain people differentially in meetings? What can you do to shift that? See what happens when you do?

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Hearts Everywhere

So what is in your line of sight? What are you paying attention to? Shift your focus and see what happens. On your next outing, look for hearts in nature. You don’t have to search, just pay attention. You’ll see …

Last night I went to a dinner party and a friend commented, “you look 10 years younger!” Gee, why did I wait so long to take a vacation. Frankly, it was a bit disturbing to think about what I must have looked like before I left!

For those of you who read my last post about the importance of unplugging to recharge, you’ll be happy to know that I unplugged. Mostly. As a business owner, the prospect of doing this was daunting. But I did. Here’s what happened and here’s what I learned. Take note, for those of you haven’t yet risked it.

We prepared. My social media team was in place and ready to post and promote my pre-written blogs, to send out my pre-written newsletter and to continue to send out my pre-written tweets. We changed my Facebook page photo to show that I was unplugged. Clients and colleagues were notified, and I initiated a gone fishin’ email notification auto-responder for folks that sent me emails. I was ready!

How did it go?

Joy

WiFi access was often non-existent and spotty at best, so that really helped

With each passing day, the pull of the internet slowly subsided from a continual drum beat to a soft murmur vying for my attention

I did use my iPhone to check emails for anything urgent and only sent out one email response for something that was time sensitive

My traveling companion, one of the least plugged-in people I know, requested at the last minute that I bring my computer along. She was in charge of booking our lodging and wanted to book the B&B’s while en route. Ugh, another temptation.

My traveling companion wanted to get access to email frequently throughout our trip and look for internet hotspots. It took extra discipline not to succumb.

I found myself concerned about how my Twitter connections would respond to my lack of interaction.

I loved being unplugged and wish I could have, with confidence, let the email go too.

What were the results?

My Twitter followers were still there and still retweeting and sending me direct messages, despite my absence and lack of response

I was able to be fully present in my experience and delight in my travels

I had much needed time for reflection and was able to make space for inner focus

I really did return recharged

I have still not caught up with all of my email and work that piled up while I was gone, but am chipping away daily.

Find Your Still Point

With time to reflect on and integrate all that had transpired over the last several months–I walked away with some pearls — areas for my growth and development as a leader and that are good reminders for all of us.

My seven leadership pearls of wisdom

Find that still point inside even though there are waves crashing around you

Maintain your own rhythm when others travel to the beat of a different drum

Remember that everything and everyone is a mirror to reflect aspects of yourself to you

Prepare, then trust your team and let go

Make sure to take your time off–and enough time to renew and replenish!

Be present to your experiences and the world around you

Let joy be your wellspring of energy and connection

My self-work continues … practice:

Maintain contact with that still point inside no matter what is happening around me

Keep playing my own rhythm while others play theirs’

Have you unplugged?How did it go and what did you learn? Please join the conversation — so many of us struggle with this and we can all benefit from each other’s experiences.

When I was a junior in high school, I took a class called “Relationships.” My friends and I assumed this would be an “easy-A” class about treating others well, serving the less privileged, and other principles that were repeatedly stressed in our Jesuit Education. Little did I know, however, that much of the study of “relationships” deals with our relationships with ourselves.

It was in this class where I was first introduced to the Enneagram. We were given a self-assessment, which asked us various questions to help us determine our types. Then, the teacher told us that no matter what the assessment said, it’s ultimately up to each person to determine his or her type. For a few weeks, my friends and I discussed our types, but once the class ended, I forgot about the Enneagram for a while.

Fast forward a few years. I am studying abroad in Jerusalem. I’m spending the Sabbath at a friends apartment—a few of us are eating chips and playing guitar late into the night. Somehow, the Enneagram comes up. For the next few days, my friends and I excitedly take a variety of personality tests. The Enneagram, of course, but also the Belbin test, Meyers-Briggs, and others. We laugh about our “compatibility” with our friends and family, and dream about how our test results can help us become rich—become scholars—become the kind of people that overcome their own flaws and rise above everything they though they could be.

And though it was fun learning so much about our compatibility with others, I think that what intrigued us so much about those tests is something quite universal: the desire to know ourselves.

Walking in the Forest of Your Mind

Yes, we spend every moment of our lives with ourselves. We live inside our bodies, our heads. And yet, so much time is spent interacting with the external world to the extent that sometimes, we forget who we are. We become blind to our strengths and our weaknesses, we measure ourselves against those around us.

Understanding our personalities from a (somewhat) objective perspective allows us, in effect, to step outside of ourselves, to recognize, without judgment, the patterns by which we live our lives. This, I believe, is the power of The Enneagram, or for that manner, any person or tool that helps us to better understand ourselves.

Two of the friends I was with that night in Jerusalem, Nomi and Ilan, are now married. I visited them last year and found, on their coffee table, a book about The Enneagram. Nomi is Israeli—she has lived in Jerusalem her whole life. Ilan is from Chicago—he moved to Israel when he was 24 years old. Though they certainly connect on many levels, “we struggled with some cultural differences,” Nomi explained, “but reading about the Enneagram really helped!” Ilan agreed. “It helped us see our differences in a less personal way…and helped us bond spiritually too,” he said.

I often hear people say “I don’t want to be labeled,” or “I refuse to put myself in a category.” I understand this sentiment—no one wants to be told that they are just this or just that. But I don’t think assessing yourself has to be limiting. In fact, I think that for any of us to undergo real change, perhaps the greatest struggle in this life, we must recognize our strengths and flaws, and we must be gentle and patient with ourselves.

It’s been seven years since I sat down in that high school class, thinking I knew everything I needed to about relationships. Obviously, I didn’t. In fact, I feel like I know a lot less now than I did then. Now, when I struggle to relate to someone else, I try to look at myself—at my reactions to others, and to determine what tangible steps can be taken to remedy the situation. Sometimes this is really hard, because so often I don’t really want to look at myself, to see my actions for what they really are.

We’ve got our whole lives to look out into the world, but we must remember to also look inside ourselves, and, to look at ourselves. The Enneagram is one tool that helps us do this, and there are many others. Most importantly, though, is a sincere desire to, as Socrates so passionately declared, “Know Thyself.”

What helps you get to know yourself?How does knowing yourself help you to better relate to others?

I’ve always been pretty darn good at taking vacations and setting boundaries around them. In the early days of the Blackberry, I didn’t own one so it was easy to disconnect from work–especially since I like to travel to more remote locations. I also stayed away from computers while on holiday, figuring my email could wait until I got home and my friends would still be there.

Isn’t the idea of a holiday to get away, relax, recharge, experience something new, and shift perspectives?

If we are on email, our attention is back at home. Why bother leaving? You may think me selfish, but I don’t even send postcards. I want my full attention on my holiday, on my traveling companion and on wherever I am.

Unlike most folks in the US, I was known to take 3 to 4 weeks of holiday at at time. My work colleagues seriously asked, “Aren’t you afraid they’re going to realize they don’t need you if you’re gone that long?”

Others admired me.

For me, the value derived from getting away was greater than the any potential downside. I played, explored, rested, relaxed and enjoyed. I returned to work recharged with renewed vigor, filled with new perspectives, and was a more easy going, better version of me.

As an entrepreneur for the last 5.5 years, I have been presented with a whole new set of challenges. New technologies have emerged to dare even the best holiday-takers to unplug.

Sunday, I leave for a trip and I am determined to stay away from email and social media.

Can I do it? Twitter, FaceBook, Linked, G+, Pinterest have become indispensable tools to grow and sustain my business and visibility. What happens if I am not Retweeting, Tweeting and posting on Facebook for several days? Although I have my team to do some social media posting for me, I won’t be there to interact.

The amount of preparation involved in order to be able to leave and disconnect, has multiplied. Blogs have to be lined up to be posted and newsletters pre-written to go out while I am away. And on.

Can any of you relate to this?

Yet, I remain undaunted and determined to prove to myself that I can unplug. The world will go on and my business will continue to grow and flourish.

The temptations are great with WiFi available in hotels. But as leaders of organizations, as colleagues, as spouses, parents, partners, we owe it to one another to unplug and recharge. It’s a bit of an energy oxymoron, no?

We demonstrate respect by giving our full attention to our traveling companions, to our experience and to the world around us. The person who returns will be a rested and relaxed; a person who has had space to breath, space to reflect on and make meaning of everything that has been going on the last many months. The person who returns will see work and life in a new light.

Holidays offer up creative time … with new impressions, new perspectives, new experiences. We have the opportunity to think differently or come at a situation or problem from a different perspective. This is precious time that will serve you, your organization and those close to you.

With that, I bid you adieu.

Wish me luck on my commitment to stay unplugged and I’ll be back in the Saddle on September 12. I look forward to sharing my new insights and to learning about your experiences unplugged!