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The following is a correspondence between Whiskey Kyle, the alcohol-fueled alter-ego of Sober Kyle, and Sober Kyle himself.

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Dearest Whiskey Kyle,

Hello. It has been some time since we have conversed. How have you been? I heard you had quite a weekend. I hope you played it safe–no need to put oneself into unnecessary danger in order to experience a few laughs and some good times. I’ve been well. I’ve been working and writing and trying to stay in shape as much as I can. Our love of sweets doesn’t help though, does it? Please let me know how you’ve been.

Yours always,

Sober Kyle

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STUPID KYLE,

What’s chiLd support? What’s bActerial meENingitis?

I hate you,

Whiskey Kyle.

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Dearest Whiskey Kyle,

Why are you asking about child support? Did you father a child, my burden of perpetual body odor? Child support is money that you are legally required to pay the mother of your child. I cannot stress the seriousness of the situation if you by some incredible miracle made a child with a woman and now owe child support payments. I pray that this is not a problem you have been keeping from me for long. Please respond as quickly as possible.

If the infant seems to have some African-American descent from the father’s side, it definitely cannot be yours. Crisis averted. Bacterial meningitis is an extremely serious medical condition. I need you to tell me your symptoms so we can decide if you need to go the hospital or not.

Yours,

Sober Kyle

—

DeaR Mr. Bryant,

I loVe the way you plaY basketball. You”re so good. R U betTer than my Dad? I think when you played wiTh Shaq itWas better.

Can I live with youU?

Sincerelly,

Whiskey Kyle

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Whiskey Kyle,

It seems you’ve sent me a letter that you meant to send to Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant. I can only assume that you mailed Mr. Bryant the letter that should have been sent to me. Please rewrite your response. I’ll repeat my previous request. I need a list of your symptoms so I can decide what kind of danger you’re in. Time is wasting, Whiskey Kyle.

Please hurry,

Sober Kyle

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Spber Kyle,

Please fowrard my letter to kobe Bryant. im probably dying.

CAN’T SEE COLORS,

Whiskey KYkele

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Whiskey Kyle,

Please. Please, please, please. I am begging you to for once take something as seriously as you take drinking that swill you fill your body with every night. A life hangs in the balance. Bacterial meningitis can kill you. I fear that the time this letter reaches you, it may be too late. Please seek medical attention.