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Monday, March 29, 2010

To Elisa,

In regards to your most recent post. You have made me think about my life yet again.

I am not currently apart of any organized religion nor do I know if I will join one in the future, but I hope that by now you have noticed that I am deeply spiritual.

I guess the main difference is the name of who we pray to and where. In this post I will refer to the divine as God. At this point in my life I don't know if I can refer to the divine as a physical being or the entire cosmos, but I can't deny that there is a beauty to every part of life. Science is not enough for me and I know this because I don't find beauty in mixing chemicals or fixing machinery.

To me there is nothing more beautiful than knowing that if I put a seed in the ground in early spring it will grow to be a plant that fruits and provides nutrition for something else. And when it dies that fall and it composts through the winter, putting nutrients back into the soil for another plant to grow the following year. This is the simplest example to come up with. Yes chemists have come up with long boring chemical equations that I detest to explain the fundamentals of nature, but that is not fulfilling. There has to be something more, to provide reasoning. I just don't have a name for it.

Sometimes I call it nature, but I love it and feel so connected to it when I take the time to bring it in my life.

Often times I read your posts as soon as you post them, Elisa, because I'm eager to hear what you have to say. We share a lot of the same core values, and I don't think religion has anything to do with it. Honesty, forgiveness, and grace. These are things that the best of us strive for despite our imperfections.

Recently, someone I love has betrayed me. Used my own regrets against me, thrown them in my face, and continued to taunt me. It was so hard and so hurtful. You never expect the ones closet to you to be quite so harmful and readily to do so. It has made think twice about my life and those I choose to include in it.

I was in the middle of making lunch when this happened, but when I tried to eat I couldn't. I was sick to my stomach with disappointmen, anger, and the most scary of all-enraged. I couldn't just stand there. I had to leave. To get away. To think. To breathe.

Looking at the 1/4 tank of gas left in the jellybean I drove out Peoria Rd. Eventually I stopped and sat by the river to think. To cry. I bawled my eyes out not able to understand what had just happened or why. I was there for her when she needed someone and was abandoned, and then she betrays me.

I am well aware of my worst mistake and I don't need someone to point it out to me. I have come to terms with my mistakes and accepted them. I live with them everyday, they are what make my heart heavy each and every moment. I just never realized that they could still tear me apart until now.

A huge part of me wants to let the situation fester, I want to hate her. And that saddens me. How can you hate someone that you are biologically programmed to love, it's against nature. But that monster tears at me and I ache.

About Me

I am a farmer. I am a student. I am a student worker. I like being outdoors and I think that dog poo is ten times more smelly than cow manure-sheep are the worst. I love the color red. I listen to to country music, punk bands, and the beauty that comes from the Beatles. I wear cowboy boots and a peacoat-sometimes concurrently. I can't get enough of reading. I'm getting used to Oregon rains, and I love hard work. I am me.