Before You Apologize, Consider This

Apologizing is humbling, even
difficult. It becomes even more difficult if you’ve ever experienced a time in
which apologizing backfired and just made things worse. Or, if you have
childhood memories of being forced to apologize for something you didn’t even do.
Maybe that’s part of the issue. No one ever taught us how to apologize.
In marriage, you will have plenty of opportunities to practice apologizing. It will
go much more smoothly if you take a moment to learn how to apologize
well. With that in mind, the first step in making an effective apology is to
answer two question.

The first question: What motives
underlie my desire to apologize? Why am I apologizing? Many times, we have
poor motives for apologizing.

Husband coming home late to an angry wife who is holding a rolling pin

For instance, apologizing just to
get back in good graces or to put the event behind us are bad motives for an
apology. Your spouse will see through the apology to the motive and become even
more upset.

Sometimes we apologize because we
fear our spouse will dislike us or remain angry at us. We don’t like other
people (especially our spouse) having negative emotions toward us. So, we
apologize in an attempt to free
ourselves from being disliked, to free ourselves from the burden of another person’s
negative emotions. It won’t work. It will only increase those negative
emotions. You need a different motive.

Sometimes we apologize because we
want our spouse to “forget it about it” and “get on with our
happy marriage.” We apologize to get our spouse to “move on.”
You’ve heard it, “Why are you still upset about this. I apologized.” Once
again, won’t work.

Sometimes we are tempted to disguise
our defense or justification for our action in an apology. These apologies start
with an “I’m sorry” followed by a “but” that transforms the
apology into a defense, justification, or blame. “I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t
have….” “I’m sorry, but I was tired.” “I’m sorry, but you have to understand….”
These apologies really aren’t apologies at all. Notice that each of the four motives
mentioned so far focus on “me” and “my” relief. They will
not work.

A motive for true apology is the
recognition that I did something hurtful to my spouse. I did or said something
wrong. I was thoughtless, rude, uncaring, hurtful. I love my spouse and I do
not want to hurt them. As a result, I want to apologize for hurting them. I
want to take ownership for my hurtful actions or words and apologize. I want to
tell my spouse how I plan to avoid those hurtful words and deeds in the future.
I apologize to sincerely express my sorrow for hurting the one I love and to explain
my plan to avoid doing it again.

The second question: to whom am I
going to apologize? Think about your spouse and their personality.

Some personalities welcome an apology.
They are glad to hear the apology but become upset recalling the hurt for which
you are apologizing. If you have experienced this in your marriage, know that
your spouse needs a comprehensive apology. They also need you to stick with them
so the two of you can process the original hurt. This will allow them to hear
your true remorse and your plan to avoid hurting them in a similar way in the
future. Don’t get caught up in their emotions. Stay calm. Stick with your
apology. Listen, empathize, and restate your plan to change.

Some personalities get uncomfortable
with the vulnerability and emotion aroused by an apology. They often accept
your apology with a quick “It’s alright” or “Don’t worry about
it.” Unfortunately, they may still
hold some resentment even as they avoid talking about it. So, take a moment to
let them know you are willing to talk more about it and answer any of their
questions and fears any time they like. Then be willing to do so.

What are your motives for
apologizing? What is the personality of the person to whom you are apologizing?
Answering these two questions before you begin will make your apology more
sincere and effective.