Winning an Argument Doesn’t Mean You Communicate Well

I would never marry someone with whom I couldn’t argue. In fact, studies have shown that unhappy married couples don’t fight any more than happy ones, but the manner in which they fight is much different. Arguing is an important aspect of a relationship. It helps clear the air, establish boundaries and teaches one another about important points of view. Arguing also helps you understand where your partner feels vulnerable, as well as “hot buttons” for them. The longer happily married couples are together, the less they push those hot buttons. They understand those buttons won’t budge, and when they push them, “holy hell” can break out. In fact, when I do counsel older couples who are pushing each other’s hot buttons, they are usually doing it on purpose because they aren’t getting their needs met and are angry with one another.

When a couple is newly married, they may not have a healthy respect for those hot buttons. Because they are in the honeymoon phase, they want to be totally transparent and are convinced their love can cool the hot buttons, allowing them to get to the bottom of the problem. I try to distract them or move them toward another area, but this is futile on my part. They want to go for those buttons, analyze them, take them apart and cool them down. Very rarely is this effective, and this is when couples learn that there is a winner and a loser in these arguments. Many times, the partner who wins the argument loses the game though, because hurtful things are said in the heat of the moment. This pattern of arguing to win at all cost rather than trying to understand is at the heart of most relationship problems I see. The other person never tells me this. They tell me they have a controlling partner, someone who cannot talk to them without arguing, or that they don’t talk anymore as a couple. If you don’t communicate verbally, it isn’t long before one of the partners starts withdrawing physically, and once this happens, the marriage is in trouble.

Healthy communication requires patience, understanding and listening. When a marriage is stressed, those three aspects are ignored and instead you get lecturing, yelling, and shutting down. People who believe they are great communicators often are great at only winning the argument. Here are five suggestions to use in your marriage today to help you get healthy communication back into your marriage.

Talking louder never helps. When you are talking to your partner, make a conscious effort to lower your voice.

Try saying one sentence to your partner’s three. This one simple tactic will help you listen more than you talk. There will be more space in the conversation, which will mean more time to think before talking.

3. Most problems are a process. Don’t be in a rush to solve or get to the bottom of anything. The longer you are married the more you will understand that thinking there is a bottom to anything is magical thinking.

4. When you are communicating well, make note of it aloud and tell your partner how much you enjoyed the conversation. Both men and women need to be appreciated by their partner.

5. Little ears hear more than big ears and they understand less. Talking softly and listening more will help your children feel less stress, anxiety, and more secure.

It’s interesting; communication is the first thing I listen to when I meet a new couple, yet many of us don’t think about our communication style until we can no longer communicate with our partner. Changing your communication style is the quickest way to tighten up your marriage. You don’t need a therapist for this, just a quiet time with your partner to listen, and softly tell them you want to improve your marital communication. As with all issues, changing yourself first is the best way to get the ball rolling. –Mary Jo Rapini