Game of Thrones Season 7 Finale Recap: Wall-EEEEEEEEK!

Ugh, President Trump is going to be even more insufferable this week, given how neatly Sunday’s Game of Thrones finale proved one of his most favorite theories: If you don’t have a giant wall on your border, bloodthirsty creatures bent on destruction will flood into your lands.

How does it all come about? Who has sex? And who dies in a most satisfying manner? Read on for the highlights of the Season 7 finale, “The Dragon and the Wolf.”

HOUSE TARGARYEN | On a boat headed for King’s Landing, Jon, Tyrion, the Hound, Davos, etc. prepare for the summit with Cersei, to take place at a place called Dragonpit. Meanwhile, Cersei takes The Mountain to the meeting with her. “If anything goes wrong, kill the silver haired bitch first,” then Tyrion, then Jon, she instructs him.

Bronn comes out to meet the visitors, and that’s when Pod and Tyrion have a nice little reunion. Brienne and The Hound have a slightly less sweet reunion, but it is cute to see his reaction to the news that Arya is still alive… and his little smirk when he assures the lady knight that he won’t get in the way of defending the Stark women. Tyrion also tries to sweet talk Bronn over to their side — by offering a buttload of money, of course — but Bronn says his self-interests are better served (for now, at least) by sticking with Team Lannister.

When everyone is assembled in the pit, Bronn and Pod leave the “fancy folks” — which include Jorah, Varys and Missandei — to chat. Cersei swans in with Jaime, Qyburn, Euron and The Mountain behind her, looking like nothing so much as an evil David Bowie. There are a LOT of fraught looks thrown around: The one that hurts the most is Jaime and Brienne (he basically ignores her), but Cersei’s side-eye to Tyrion is such a laser-honed beam of pure hatred that she might want to think about employing it against Daenerys’ dragons. Oh, speaking of which, guess which silver-haired bitch knows how to make an entrance? Yep, Dany rides in on one of her majestic beasts and then saunters over to sit next to Tyrion like it’s any given Tuesday morning.

Tyrion tries to get things started, but Euron interrupts to tell Theon that he has Yara captive and he’ll kill her if Theon doesn’t switch sides. There’s a lot of Euron-posturing, but then Cersei tell him to sit, and he does like the errant puppy he is. “We are a group of people who do not like one another,” Tyrion continues, but when Cersei sasses off, Jon steps up. He warns that the coming war involves”a general you can’t negotiate with, an army that doesn’t leave corpses behind on the battlefield.”

Eventually it comes down to Daenerys promising that if Cersei agrees to a truce, King’s Landing will be safe until the northern threat is dealt with. Cersei is not excited about that in the slightest, seeing it as a ploy for the Targaryen army to build up its ranks and then march on the capital. So The Hound hauls out the Box-o-Wight and it runs right at Cersei, yanked back at the last minute only by a chain. She’s freaked. It’s great.

When The Hound chops the wight to pieces and they still continue to move, this significantly ups everyone’s interest. Jon demonstrates how to kill the creatures — fire and dragonglass — but assures the queen that if they don’t win the fight, they’re all going to become crazed popsicles. And while the Lannisters look on in horror, Euron asks if the White Walkers etc. can swim. When he gets a “no,” he’s like, “Great! I’m getting the HELL OUTTA HERE,” because he’s afraid. Then he walks out right there. It’s the only thing he’s done that I enjoy.

Then Cersei agrees to a truce — as long as Jon agrees to a truce with her. But he says no. “I cannot serve two queens, and I’ve already pledged myself to Queen Daenerys of House Targaryen,” he announces, and Dany starts panting. I’m not kidding. Then Cersei announces that any truce is off, and she and her gang march off. That’s not a good enough outcome for Brienne, who runs after Jaime and implores him to talk to his sister. “And tell her what?” he asks.

When Daenerys’ group is alone again, everyone (including khaleesi) is angry with Jon for being so brutally honest when a little lie might’ve served everyone better. (I still maintain that she was a little hot and not-so-bothered by his public show of loyalty, but whatevs.) Tyrion volunteers to try to talk to his sister alone, “or we all go home, and we’re right back where we started.”

HOUSE LANNISTER: GRUDGE MATCH EDITION | Jaime meets Tyrion in the hallway, saying that he tried to talk some sense into Cersei before she kicked him out. Then Tyrion goes in, escorted by The Mountain, and they do a quick rehash of their entire lives (“You killed our father” yadda yadda), then he goads her into giving the order to kill him (and The Mountain readies his sword), but Cersei stands down.

“I am more sorry about the children than you will ever know,” he says, but she won’t give an inch. The topic turns to Daenerys. “I think she will make the world a better place,” he says, adding that the difference between Cersei and Dany is that Dany has advisers who’ll check her worst interests. Cersei’s all, “Bored now. My family is the only thing that matters.” And when she repeatedly palms her non-existent belly, Tyrion figures it out: “You’re pregnant.”

HOUSE TARGARYEN: DRAGONPIT IS THE PITS EDITION | Jon and Daenerys process a little in the pit as she muses about how the dragons that used to be chained up there were pathetic, grew smaller and eventually made the Targaryens just like everyone else. Then she starts sounding the “I can’t have kids” gong when he says that her family isn’t ending, but she reminds him that the witch who messed with Drogo told her so. “Has it occurred to you she might not have been a reliable source of information?” he asks. THANK YOU, JON.

Things look bleak, but then Cersei, Qyburn, Jaime and The Mountain come back. Cersei says she’ll march her armies north to join them in the great war. “And when the great war is over, perhaps you’ll remember I chose to help with no promises or assurances for any of you,” she announces.

HOUSE STARK | At Winterfell, Sansa’s received a raven from Jon that he bent the knee to Daenerys, and she’s pissed that he didn’t consult her first. Littlefinger suggests that Jon wants to wed the dragon queen, then he subtly says, “He was named King in the North. He can be unnamed.”

When Sansa points out that Arya wouldn’t be on board with that, she adds that her sister is a Faceless Man now. He does a lot more whispery slither talk, but the upshot of it is that he convinces Sansa that Arya is there to kill her and that everything — including finding the letter in Littlefinger’s room — was laying the groundwork for the big event. “And after she murders you, what does she become?” he asks. “Lady of Winterfell,” the redhead says, seemingly shocked by the realization.

HOUSE TARGARYEN | Back at Dragonstone, Team Dragon decides that Jon and Dany will sail together to the north in a show of unity, because “I’m not coming to conquer the north, I’m coming to save the north,” she says.

Theon corners Jon in the throne room to ask Jon how he always knows the right thing to do. Jon says he doesn’t, then reminds Theon that Ned Stark is a part of him “just like he’s a part of me.” He adds that he can’t forgive Theon for everything he’s done, “but what I can forgive, I do,” and that Theon doesn’t have to choose between being a Greyjoy or a Stark: He can be both. And when Theon points out that Yara needs him now, Jon has one question: “So why are you still talking to me?”

HOUSE GREYJOY | So Theon finds some Iron Island sailors… and they spit in his face when he commands that they help him find Yara and set her free from Euron. The disagreement turns into an all-out fight between Theon and one of the sailors. “Stay down, or I’ll kill you,” the man warns, but Theon is so buoyed by the special Ned Stark Star Jon just gave him, so he gets up and bashes the man’s face in, and that wins him the loyalty of the rest of the Iron Island crew. “For Yara!” he cries.

HOUSE STARK: LONG TIME COMIN’ EDITION | Sansa orders Arya brought to the Great Hall. Bran is there, as is Littlefinger. Sansa gives a speech about how honor demands that she defend her family from those who would hurt it. “You stand accused of muder, you stand accused of treason. How do you answer these charges.. LORD BAELISH?” At Littlefinger’s shocked silence, Arya says, “My sister asked you a question.” (Ha!)

Sansa brings up Littlefinger’s murder of her aunt Lysa, and his involvement in the poisoning of John Arryn, as well as the betrayal of Ned Stark. And when Littlefinger denies all, Bran’s creepy all-seeing self comes in handy by reciting the “I did tell you not to trust me” line from way back in the day. (Side note: This scene freaking rules.) Eventually, Littlefinger is on his knees in front of Sansa, crying to squeeze out a few crocodile tears as he begs her for mercy. “Thank you for all your many lessons, Lord Baelish. I will never forget them.” And just like that, Arya walks over and sticks her blade into his throat. He gurgles. He dies. I REJOICE. (For more, read our sincere ode to the master manipulator here.)

HOUSE LANNISTER: JUST KIDDING! EDITION | Cersei explains to Jaime that she was lying when she said she’d help fight the White Walkers. Jaime is incensed, but Cersei points out that one of the dragons was missing, which might mean that they’re vulnerable. Then she points out that Euron didn’t actually leave because he was afraid, he’s taking off for Essos to pick up The Golden Company, which Cersei paid for with the Iron Bank’s gold. And when Jaime says he’ll ride north like he promised, she threatens to have The Mountain kill him. She almost does — and the Kingslayer pales a little as the beastly man draws his weapon — but when she fails to go through with it, Jaime says he doesn’t believe her. And it looks like that’s it for everyone’s favorite incestuous couple, because Jaime puts a glove over his highly identifiable golden hand and rides off at dusk.

HOUSE STARK: ENOUGH ABOUT JON, LET’S TALK ABOUT JON EDITION | Sam arrives at Winterfell, where Bran gives him a little lesson in what being the Three-Eyed Raven means, then they get to it: “He needs to know the truth. About himself,” Bran says, giving Sam the briefest of Tower of Joy recaps before Sam jumps in to reveal that Jon isn’t Rhaegar Targaryen’s bastard — per Gilly’s interlude a few episodes back. And just like that, Bran sees the wedding happening. “Robert’s Rebellion was built on a lie. Rhaegar didn’t kidnap my aunt, or rape her. He loved her, and she loved him,” Bran notes. Jon’s real name? Aegon Targaryen.

And that’s nice and all, but Jon and Daenerys are totally doing it on that boat, and Bran’s zen narration is KILLING THE MOMENT. But this bit is important:”He’s never been a bastard,” Bran tells Sam. “He’s the heir to the Iron Throne. He needs to know. We need to tell him.”

HOUSE STARK | Baelish’s death brings Sansa and Arya together. “I never could have survived what you survived,” Arya says. “You could have. You’re the strongest person I know,” Sansa replies. Then they quote Ned — “When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies but the pack survives” — and bond over how they miss their dad. It’s very sweet.

Out in the godswood, Bran has a vision of The Wall. Tormund and Beric Dondarrion stand at the top and start to lose their stuff when they notice the Night King’s army slowly but deliberately advancing on Eastwatch. But the horde stops just shy of the structure… and that’s when IceViserion flies in, ridden by Ol’ Horny Blue Eyes himself, and lays waste to the Wall with his icy blue flame thing. The beast destroys a significant chunk of The Wall, and then the army of the undead, including Zombie Giant, marches through.

What did you think of the season finale? Grade the episode via the poll below, then hit the comments!