I always thought of dig dug as a fairly twisted game. There you were,
running around and torturing strange goggle-wearing creatures (which
always hits very close to home) and fire-breathing baby dragons. Instead
of just shooting them in the face and ending their lives quickly like any
merciful person would do, Dig Dug slowly pumps them full of air until
their bodies burst. Even with such blatant cruelty, the game proved to be
quite a lot of fun and established itself as a classic among its peers
such as BurgerTime and Pitfall. Unfortunately, famous quality games are
always in the sights of rom hackers looking to leave their skid marks on
the underpants of the world. Believe it or not, not one but TWO
different rom hackers decided to take Dig Dug and make it a game all
about... yep... penises. Lovely. Let's start out by looking at the first
one on my list, a hack known as "Dick Dug".

Not much of
a change here on the title screen. Man, he could have at least changed the
title of the game to match the name of his hack. One modification is the
"1UP" text has been changed to "1UD". I'm sure the "D" stands for
Dick. Another change is "1 Player" has been changed to "1 Dicker". I
wonder how long he pondered over which form of Dick to use. I can see it
now... "Dicky? Nah. Dickinator? Nope. Dickleberry? Nuh uh. Dick-O-Licious? Nay.
Wait! I've got it! DICKER!" The only other change I noticed was how
it now says "CII Rights Reserved" instead of "All Rights Reserved".
Perhaps CII is the name of the hacker? Perhaps it's an emoticon gone
horribly wrong? As usual, I guess we'll never know.

RECD K!

Ah yes, what
a wonderful way to start off the game. "Dicker 1 - RECD K!" Would
somebody care to refresh me on my 133t sp3@k? What the hell does "RECD
K!" mean? I probably don't want to know...

Say, where
did Dig Dug go? Oh, you mean you didn't already figure that out from the
title of the game? He's been replaced by a slithering shaft with a thirst
for digging in the dirt. Now I wasn't sure if I believed that a penis
could successfully tunnel deep holes in the earth, so I went out and tried
it myself. Let me tell ya... it just wasn't happening. I'll try again
after it rains. Perhaps it's a
remote control dildo... I could see that working. Maybe.

Is it hot in here or is it just my PENIS?

Man, it's
really hard to play this game. With the original Dig Dug, I never felt
nearly the same kind of pressure that I feel when I'm controlling a part
of the male anatomy. Just seeing the penis set ablaze by a dragon made me
cross my legs and back away from the computer for a little bit.

*thunk*

And that's
not the worst of it. Giant Boulders can fall on your penis too! But here's
where it gets weird, when a boulder falls on your penis, before it dies,
it displays a SECOND head. Just look at it there! Sure it might be a
glitch, but it could be based on real science. I'll have to go find a
boulder and conduct the experiment on myself later on. I'll get back to you
guys on that one...

:(

I have to
admit, a tear welled up in my eye the first time I saw the penis die. It
just swayed from side to side, started to rot, and eventually burst into
thin air. Quite possibly the saddest moment in video game history. But
don't worry, there would indeed be vengeance for my pugnacious phallus of
power!

DIE EVIL PENIS-HATING FOES DIE!

Instead of
filling them with air, you now fill the lil' creatures with all the 8-bit
semen you can muster from your mighty penis. War is hell people... I'm
sorry I had to show you what it's really like.

Just remember, even a soldier of war takes time to smell the roses here 'n
there.

Having no
desire to play any further into the lovely little treasure known as "Dick
Dug", I moved onward to the next phallic hack of Dig Dug called "Baby
Maker".

Oh shit,
this one was made by Grimlick, creator of other rom hacks such as "Pink
Floyd: The Wall", "Battle
Beasts", and "He-Man".
That right there already tells you that this game is going to be
disturbing in one way or another. He also took the time to actually change
the title of the game properly, which is always something I at least
appreciate since 90% of the rom hackers out there are too lazy to even do
that. Notice the little egg with the blue sperms invading it? Awww.

Yep, it's a
Grimlick hack alright. Just look at all of the nudity on the screen.
Christ, have any of these people heard of the concept known as clothing?
Also notice the colors of the dirt have been changed to green and grey.
I'm assuming the green is just grass, but the grey? If that's concrete,
that's gonna really... REALLY hurt. Why?

Because Dig
Duck is now a completely nude guy with an enormous penis. Sure, if you
compare it to your own, it's not that big... unless you're female. Then
it's still pretty big, comparatively speaking. But seriously, just compare that thing to the size
of his head. That's quite a mighty powerful sex rod he's sportin' there!

And man oh
man, the ladies in this game apparently do NOT like it. Sure, they're
naked and quite vulnerable, but if they get in close, they're going to do
whatever they can to DESTROY his penis. The one who can walk will just run
right up to you and grab you, but the one that crawls on her knees has
a much more disturbing attack.

I'm not sure
what the little dance she does there is supposed to be, but it appears
that she's suffering from morning sickness. Instead of being a
fire-breathing dragon, she's a puke-projecting beast woman. Maybe she
wouldn't puke so much if she stopped doing that stupid little dance. So
what happens when our little fella and his penis get puked on?

Oh no! :(

Another
extremely sad moment. First his penis goes completely limp, then it
shrivels up and retracts back inside his stomach where it then explodes.
Just look at the shock on his face. Hey, you'd be shocked too if all of a
sudden your penis was exploding inside your stomach! But don't worry, it's
not hopeless for our well-endowed freedom fighter!

Instead of
boulders, there are helpless behemoth ladies that you can drop on your
assailants. The behemoth ladies don't appear to enjoy being dropped on
their heads, but they don't really complain either, so use 'em to your
advantage when you can.

During your
game play there's a few bonuses you can pick up too for some extra points.
Sperm, sperm invading an egg, and a fertilzed egg all can be yours! But
such bonus points pale in comparison to what our hero is truly capable of.
BEHOLD:

Eat your heart out, Ron Jeremy.

I always
wondered if Plastic Man could extend his... well... plastic manhood.
Even if he couldn't, at least now I know one character who can do just
that. As you can see, our hero can extend his penis far beyond his own
height. If any of you can do that, see a doctor... or a porno director
immediately.

As his
primary weapon, he attacks the women with his super shaft and impregnates
them. But there's no 9-month wait here folks. Nope, these women start
ballooning up with their babies so fast that their bodies don't have
proper time to adjust. The result? The babies EXPLODE from their mothers,
killing them instantly. Grimlock, you're a class act pal. A real class
act.

Believe it
or not, I made it all the way to round 10 of this game and my only reward
for doing so was the lady icon in the top right corner now held a kid on
top of her head. At that point, I decided to call it quits and let the
angry women attack me and my ridiculously long penis to get it over with
once and for all. Funny... that's not the first time in my life that I've
said that either.