9. Retiree of the Year: Sorry to disappoint Sachin Tendulkar fans, it’s Uday Chopra. His decision to quit acting has plunged Pluto into great depression while his female fans in Mars, unable to bear the truth, refused breakfast.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

If you want nausea-inducing Tendulkar hagiography, mainstream media is the place to be.

Even as a teary-eyed nation prepares for the farewell match of her favourite son, Doosra has not lost perspective. Leaving the easy eulogy part to others, Doosra gleans seven conspicuous failures of Tendulkar's otherwise glittering cricket career:

1. Never made it to the Delhi University cut-off list, handicapped primarily by the fact that he is not a Delhiite;

2. Not known to have succeeded in buying a tatkal ticket from IRCTC website, despite his short back-lift and flawless follow-through;

3. Could not find a quality hair transplant for chum Vinod Kambli;

4. Failed to convince Swami Agnivesh to drink Livpure water;

5. Could not find a girl for buddy Rahul Gandhi;

6. Never cleared his position on issues including but not confined to - euthanasia, bifurcation of AP and the prolonged bachelorhood of Salman Khan;

7. Never endorsed an edible machine gun which doubles up as a folding bicyle.

Monday, 28 October 2013

Ravi Shastri: Welcome to Indian Grand Prix. The news from centre is Red Bull’s Sebastian Vettel has won the toss and decided to bat first. Err...I mean...has won the pole and decided to finish first. Greater Noidaaaaaaaaa. Are you readyyyyyy?

Navjot Sidhu: Oye guruuuuu. My lines are ready too, thoko tali. The grass is green, the sky is blue, Ecclestone’s daughter is down with flu...

RS: Cut the crap Sherry. The atmosphere is electric at Buddh International Circuit. There is some dew, I just got the feeling that gripping steering would be difficult later in the race. Whoever wins the toss should...err, I keep forgetting there is no toss. Let’s move to the commentary box.

NS: Chha gaya guru, chal!

RS: Ladies and gentlemen, here we go! The 3rd Indian Grand Prix is on and Sebastian Vettel is off like a tracer bullet!

NS: Bas kar yaar! If Vettel is bullet then Alonso is not too late, and I see Grosjean, stepping up to the plate. Thoko taali!

RS: A flying start for Vettel taking advantage of field restrictions but Webber is cutting loose here. Sherry, I just got the feeling that Vettel and Alonso will give it everything.

NS: Bas kar yaar! Remember, a wire catches fire like the pant of a liar…

RS: He started off well but the question is will Vettel win? Will he lose? Will it be a tie? At this stage, all three results are possible!

NS: Tie? my dear friend, a tie is a pie in the sky and its chances are well nigh…

RS: Now Alonso hits Webber! Remember, when Alonso hits, it stays hit! The race is going down to the wire. Well, not really. Vettel has built a healthy lead. I think he should declare now and put the opposition in. What do you think Sherry?

NS: Oye guruuuu, declare is like éclairs, you shouldn’t delay.

RS: Another DLF maximum! Vettel clocks the fastest lap! Excellent running between the wickets. Sherry, I think he should try a slower one and deceive his rivals. Just what the doctor ordered!

NS: Oye guruuuu, speed is like weed. It gives you a kick. Why should Vettel slow down? Remember when you go with the flow, you don’t glow when you slow.

RS: Looks like Alonso got stuck in heavy traffic! I just got the feeling that he will take the aerial route. He’s trailing but Alonso is a cool customer with loads of experience. He will soon be dealing in boundaries.

NS: Boundaries! Guruuuu, you mean he will hit the boundary tyrewall?

RS: Not at all Sherry. Boundary means he’d overtake four cars at a time.

RS: Sherry, we are talking about F1, not bicycles, ok? concentrate on the race, it’s about to end. I’ll tell Srini Sir to dock half your salary and give it to me instead. And as we talk, Vettel hits DLF maximum! A huge six…th successive win with Alonso nowhere in sight!

NS: Oye guruuuu, maza a gaya. My dear Ravi, Vettel is like the King among men, peacock among hen...

RS: ...and unlike you, sober among insane. Moron. Well, that’s it from Buddh International Circuit. We all saw a high-scoring contest. It was a cracker of a race and fair to say that in the end, cricket was the real winner.

The CEO is an ignorant moron but his subordinates don’t have the guts to tell him that. It’s a company which expects you to agree to whatever the boss says. I can't survive in an agreeculture like that.

3. Andolone (n): Fight a movement alone.

Anna Hazare began his anti-establishment movement alone before the Arvind Kejriwals joined him. Till then it was Andolone.

4. Artifacial (n+adj) : Beauty parlour.

After the IPL spot-fixing scandal ended his cricket career, Sreesanth opened an artifacial shop in Kochi.

5. Solemate (n) : Friends who share footwear.

Few were surprised as Greg Chappell turned up in the press conference in Sourav Ganguly’s Kolhapuri chappals. They are known solemates after all.

6. Detergentleman (n): Male dhobi.

His Bollywood career gone up in smoke, Uday Chopra is trying to eke out a living as a determined detergentleman.

7. Emptea (adj) : State of the tea cup which has just been drained.

India’s most popular TV anchor, a human volcano, is actually a henpecked husband, often seen washing emptea cups at home to please his dominant wife.

Thursday, 19 September 2013

So what if Miss America Nina Davuluri has yet to announce chutney-soaked samosa as her favourite snack?

The Indians, including those who can’t tell Nina D from El Nino, are seething in just anger after the Indo-American was subjected to a vicious racist attack for not being a white.

The episode has upset a prominent cricketer-turned-pundit to such an extent that he struggled to make sense:

Oye Nina, chha gaya guru. Ignore yaar. Like a nun selling bun for fun, like a vowel lost in bowel wrapped in towel, like a pig real big eating fig...samajh gaye na? khataak!

There was a palpable sense of anger in Delhi, as evident from what this twentysomething had to say:

#$@&%*! ? I can't believe in this age, people fuss about complexion. #$@&%*! ? This is simply outrageous. Had it happened to me, #$@&%*! ? I’d have just told them: #$@&%*! ?, tu janta nahi mera baap kaun hai. #$@&%*! ?. Well, I got to go dude. Girlfriend wants a fairness cream and she’d be mad if I’m late, you see...

His sentiments found an echo in Mumbai where Bollywood’s reigning star had this to say:

This is shocking, I’d say much more shocking than a Sajid Khan film. I mean how can…hey, hey...where’s the make-up man? Idiot, you call this make-up? I’m not playing Dharamji’s Yakut in a ‘Razia Sultan’ remake. Paint me fair, stupid. Who brings these morons?

The mood in Chennai was no different as this Rajinikanth fan articulated:

Inge paaru, there is nothing wrong with Black. Rather I liked Black, even though it would have made much more sense to cast Nandita Das or even Kajol instead of Rani Mukherjee. What’s the big deal about being white, eh? Rajini Sir showed in ‘Sivaji: The Boss’ how to turn white. All you need is lot of orange skins, mud etc which you put in a tub and you immerse yourself under it for 6 weeks and...

Kolkata, a city renowned for non-violent outrage confined largely to words and gesticulation, was not lagging behind either. Sample this intellectually forthright outburst from a TMC cadre:

Dada, this is a common Commoonist conspiracy, notish the alliteration, to malign didi. No no, not Momota didi, but Nina didi. They are green with envy you see because she waan and green is the TMC colour, notished the paan? Arrey not the paan I’m chewing but the paan I’m spitting out. Paan re baba, P-U-N. Dhyatteri.

7. Tusshar Kapoor's tongue, which explains his gibberish in the "Golmaal" series and subsequent trash;

8. Sanity from Rohit Shetty blockbusters;

9. Navjot Sidhu's reticence;

and finally:

10. Arnab Goswami, whose conspicuous absence from Newshour is fuelling speculations that he is actually piloting Voyager I out of the Solar System. "Going by the noise Voyager I is making, that's a distinct possibility which can't be ruled out," a NASA scientist told Doosra strictly on condition of anonymity.

Thursday, 12 September 2013

SRT: Aila! I thought Rahul would go before me! I had to sacrifice a diaper commercial to be here, you know door-knob.

AG: It’s not door-knob, Arnab. I appreciate your sacrifice. Well, let’s get straight to the point. What about retirement?

SRT: Aila, retirement. Ravi would have said ‘Just what the doctor ordered’. We’ll, it’s a good thing. Afridi does it frequently, Advani occasionally. About time I guess. Once you’ve made up your mind, it’s like ‘visa power, go get it’.

AG: Well, I think we have a Breaking News here. For the first time, on a national channel, Sachin Tendulkar utters the R word and sees logic in it. The million dollar questions is - When? The nation wants to know.

SRT: Well, I guess the earlier, the better.

AG: Amazing! This is unreal even for me! So when do you retire? The nation wants to know.

SRT: Aila! Me? You gave me a nasty shock! Why should I? Even Kambli doesn’t joke like that!

AG: What? You said it’s about time and you should go when people say blah blah!

SRT: Aila, nobody asked why I am not quitting!

AG: Mr Tendulkar, the clamour is growing by the hour. Every day cricket experts are appealing you to gracefully retire.

SRT: Appealing everyday? I’ll get the morons sanctioned by ICC for excessive appealing. I had no clue such a campaign is on!

SRT: Aila, nobody insulted me like this. Wait, my revenge will be postponing my retirement by another five years. Enough is enough. I can’t sit here anymore with a human doorknob.

AG: Err...what! You can’t storm out of an interview like this! This is not done!

SRT: Who are you to stop me? You forgot I’m an MP. We walk out on hourly basis in the parliament. Maybe I I’m still not too late for that diaper commercial. To hell with you and your nation wants to know, you pathetic piece of door-knob...

Thursday, 29 August 2013

1. Kapil Sibal: Proud owner of arguably the most powerful pair of eyebrows in contemporary Indian politics. A recent NASA study claims his flourishing eyebrows are the only man-made structure, apart from Great Wall of China, visible from space.

2. Arun Shourie: Legend has it as India’s disinvestment minister, he came tantalisingly close to divesting himself of his eyebrows before better sense prevailed.

3. Ram Jethmalani: Country’s best criminal lawyer, he at times needs just to shake his eyebrows to unnerve his rival lawyer and win case.

4. Hamid Ansari: Thanks to the unruly MPs, the Rajya Sabha chairman’s eyebrows are greying faster than a Sebastian Vettel on a Red Bull.

5. Ashutosh Rana: As best demonstrated in ‘Dushman’, the hedge over his eye had the same effect on heroines as does Shakti Kapoor’s 'Lolitaaaa'.

6. Kajol: Few heroines made better use of a unibrow to eke out a career in Bollywood. In that way, film historians claim, ‘Dushman’ was the coming together of two of Bollywood’s biggest eyebrow pairs;

7. Shilpa Shetty: She entered Bollywood with a caterpillar over each of her eyes and butterflies in her stomach. The caterpillars have paved way for shapely arches and she now cracks a smile so wide that, eyewitnesses claim, it meets at the back of her head.

8. Virat Kohli: While he considers his middle finger as his most prized possession, it was Kohli’s eyebrows which caught the selectors’ eyes first. It convinced them the kid was special.

9. Jaswant Singh: A proud Rajput who wears his robust eyebrows like his badge of honour. He mumbles, only because his mouth shoots the words upwards where they lose their way in his bushy eyebrows and are reduced to gibberish by the time they emerge out of the vegetation;

10. Imran Khan: While his released films haven’t succeeded in proving he can act, some still believe his thick eyebrows hide his rumoured acting talents.

11. Karishma Kapoor: She was all eyebrows when she burst onto the scene and has clearly not been the same force since the ill-advised plucking of the arches.

And 12th man

12. Arnab Goswami: Owns the biggest proverbial eyebrow which he routinely raises every evening, demanding an answer to what the nation wants to know.

Thursday, 22 August 2013

A recent NASA study reveals only two human voices reach Mars – the first being Arnab Goswami’s when he’s collaring the Newshour debate with aplomb; and the second, Maria Sharapova’s grunt when she is whacking the ball.

The tennis tsarina, and I’m not talking about Mr Goswami, recently appealed to a Florida court seeking to temporarily change her surname to ‘Sugarpova’ for the duration of the US Open before abandoning the marketing stunt.

For the uninitiated, Sugarpova is the candy line Sharapova owns

In the end, Maria Sugarpova didn’t materialise. In fact, the poor richest female athlete pulled out of US Open with a shoulder injury.

Taking it from there, Doosra lists eight Indian cricketers and what should have been their natural brand surnames.

1. Sourav Scholl: When things got tense, Sourav Ganguly chewed his nails as if they were Greg Chappell. Legend has it Scholl patterned their nail-clipper after Dada.

2. Rohit Maggi: The first joke an average Indian kid learns is that you put maggi two-minute noodles on oven when Rohit Sharma walks out to bat and serve it hot when he’s back in the pavilion.

3. Shikhar Moustache: Shikhar Dhawan possesses contemporary cricket’s most famed handlebar and Moustache jeans can’t sign a better person to revive the brand that was fairly popular in small-time towns.

4. Harbhajan KFC: Even his detractors would admit he was a ‘Finger-licking good’ spinner before being reduced to a thumb-sucking has-been.

5. Ajit Nokia: Ajit Chandila has been connecting people so that they could fix IPL matches.

6. Sir Ravindra Good Knight: He is as efficient as the mosquito repellent brand. Has also assumed Knighthood without waiting for the queen to confer one on him.

7. Mahendra Singh Pawan Hans: There is a general consensus even among the armed forces that Dhoni manufactures India’s best helicopters.

8. Virat Cisco: If you closely look at the Cisco logo, it resembles human digits with two rather outsized middle fingers, jutting out as if Virat Kohli’s.

P.S. The Bounce list of T20 cricketers who might change their surnames is here.

Friday, 16 August 2013

Saturday, 10 August 2013

Did one of them left on my boss’s table the piece of paper in which I had scribbled, in a fit of natural rage, exactly what I think of him in rather unforgiving terms?

Did they ever leave a half-eaten pomfret under my pillow, leaving me with stinking linens?

To be fair to them, the common answer to the questions above is NO.

Which automatically leads us to the next question – why I dislike cats. Especially when so many allow, even pet, them. But then some allow Osama Bin Laden too.

Primarily, it is their insufferable insolence – an amalgamation of annoying arrogance, supreme smugness and humongous hubris -- which completely puts me off.

And if you insist on the specifics, below are seven reasons why I remain immune to, what I consider non-existent, charm of a cat.

1. Cats have nine lives and worse, they wear that smugness;

2. I love most exotic foods but ghee-rice-garnished-with-cat-fur is not among them;

3. Despite their religious and political differences, cats across the world follow the standard feline transportation method of grabbing their kitten by the scruff of the neck to carry them. I find it disturbing, also an unnerving reminder of my tumultuous childhood replete with such treatments from my parents.

4. They never trim whiskers.

5. Cats are the worst professionals among animals. Imagine yourself recruiting a gardener, who appears the next day to announce he doesn’t feel like gardening anymore and it would be nice if his salary cheque is mailed to him. Cats have practically mastered this art. Here you have an animal whose sole professional reputation is built around its appetite for domestic rats, which invariably vanishes the moment you pet them! Nobody has pulled off a bigger con on humanity.

6. Cats have a wicked sense of humour which is evident in the way they playfully chew grass just to mock poor cows.

7. I may not own a Lamborghini but I can afford a leg-warmer. And I prefer it in winter. I just don’t want a ball of fur around my ankle when mercury is in the upper 40s.

P.S. Couldn’t resist the temptation of quoting a PG Wodehouse character from “The Story of Webster”.

‘Cats’, proceeded the Pint of Bitter, ‘are selfish. A man waits on a cat hand and foot for weeks, humouring its lightest whim, and then it goes and leaves him flat because it has found a place down the roads where the fish is more frequent.”

AG: Mr Srinivasan, the nation, yes the nation, wants to know what procedure was followed when you made Mr Gurunath your son-in-law?NS: What nonsense! He married my daughter and thus became son-in-law! Simple!

AG: Not so simple, Mr Srinivasan. It shows there were no checks and balances in place. The nation wants to know why?NS: What nonsense!

AG: Mr Srinivasan, why is he still your son-in-law?NS: What do you mean still? You don't change son-in-laws like panelists! I warn you, I can't be railroaded into changing my son-in-law!

AG: Mr Srinivasan, the nation wants to know why Guru remains your son-in-law.NS: What nonsense! What you want him to be then?

AG: You are no less enthusiastic Mr Srinivasan. What about your conflict of interests? You head BCCI, you own Chennai Super Kings, you bully ICC...NS: Look who's talking. You bully your panelists, you bully the politicians, you bully the entire nation. Can you deny it?

AG: Err...ummm.NS: And conflict of interest? I accuse you of having conflict of interests in a way. All your interest is in creating conflicts. You pit panelist against panelist, politicians against politicians, players against players. What of that? Enough, I have wasted enough time already.

AG: Err...ummm...you can't go without completing the interview, especially when the nation wants to know...NS: To hell with you and to hell with your nation. I cannot be bulldozed into giving interviews. (exits)

Friday, 10 May 2013

A guy in his 20s, with gloved hands, pushed the wheelchair into the room at his Bandra residence. Pran Saab did look old but not without some of the glamour that lit up the silverscreen for decades. The metal frame of his specs gleamed, the shawl that wrapped his frail frame looked elegant and there was nothing really amiss.

This until I&B minister Manish Tiwari handed over the citation and put the medallion around Pran Saab's neck. The man didn't even blink. Pran Saab sat motionless, seemingly aloof from the occasion he himself had necessitated. An actor didn't emote. That too when receiving the premier recognition of his supreme ability to do just that. Cruel old age has taken its toll on him.

The guy with gloved hands dabbed a hanky on the corner of his wet mouth. An elderly woman whispered something into his ear and, for the first time, Pran Saab's pupils dilated. Even the upper lip slightly twitched. That's it.

His family gathered around him for a group photo with the minister, elated at the recognition of one of India's most liked performers whose primary on-screen job, rather ironically, was to try and be as much disliked as possible.

Done with the group photo, the minister stepped forward to address the media scrum, articulating how the awardee had enhanced the award's stature.

The melee of family members gathered to form a wall behind the minister, shielding Pran Saab from vision. The TV channel cut away to a panel discussion on what they have been calling Railgate and you felt a distinct relief.

For it made painful viewing where the cruelty of old age overshadowed what should have been a celebration of Indian cinema and one of its most beloved sons.

Nehru: Cut the crap. Precisely what I hate.PM: What’s the matter Chacha Nehru? You seem upset about something?

Nehru: Can you please stop calling me Chacha?PM: But why? Gandhiji is the Father of the Nation and you are the Uncle! Like Uncle Ho of Vietnam.

Nehru: Yes but have you noticed the disturbing trend of rogue nephews?PM: Your nephew had rog? You mean disease?

Nehru: I mean rogue. Can you please be a little less funny?PM: Sorry Chacha…err…I mean sir. But I didn’t get you.

Nehru: Let me explain. Your agriculture minister’s nephew wanted to urinate on damn. Your railway minister’s nephew took bribe. Your cricketer’s nephew tweets something to nearly trigger a diplomatic row with Pakistan. And you want me to remain the Uncle of this loony nation?PM: Get you point sir. Indeed, tough time for the uncles of this country. Even my government’s predicament pales in comparison.

Nehru: Glad you understand that. As a former Prime Minister, can I ask for a favour?PM: You embarrass me sir. Just order me.

Nehru: Can you make it illegal to call me Chacha?PM: Hmm. But people would be intrigued and ask me why.

Nehru: Come on. You seldom talk anyway. So what’s the problem? Can’t you do this much for me?PM: Ok sir. My government has done lot more sillier, inexplicable things. Guess one more won’t do any harm. I’ll go ahead and table a bill tomorrow.

Nehru: I’m greatly relieved. Can’t thank you enough. I know I put you in a spot.PM: Don’t worry sir. Even if people ask me why I introduced the bill, I have a ready-excuse.

Nehru: And what's that?PM: That my nephew brought the bill and it was not me!

AG: Then? Mr Pope, the nation wants to know why you called me 'my son'?Pope: I don’t get you. I mean I'm the Pope and this is how I address all!

AG: Just because you are the Pope, you assume you have a birthright to call every perfect stranger your son? Who you think you are? ND Tiwari?Pope: No idea what you are blabbering. And Mr Goswami, why you are hollering into my eardrum.

AG: Do you deny you are Mister? The nation is watching you, mind you.Pope: No I don’t!

AG: Do you deny you are the Pope? Look, Times Now has accessed exclusive documents and chain of emails that prove beyond doubt that you ARE the Pope, Mr Pope. The game’s over, you can’t hide!Pope: But I never said I'm not the Pope!

AG: For the first time, on Times Now, you admit you are Mister and you are Pope too. (Raises voice) Then why can’t I call you Mr Pope?Pope: (Sotto voce) Man, they never told me I’ll have to spend an hour with a lunatic if I become Pope.

AG: Don't try to distract and derail the discussion. Explain the smoke that comes out of Vatican chimney after papal elections. Show me the no-objection certificate from the Pollution Control Board.Pope: What?

AG: You can't escape me and my channel Mr Pope. You release smoke of every possible colour to signal various results of the election. I mean what age you guys live in? Do you know this is a serious violation of the Indian environment rules?Pope: Jesus! But it happened in Vatican, how can it violate Indian law!

AG: So you mean air doesn’t travel? Mr Pope, air transcends boundary! Like Aman-ki-Asha! Before entering studio, I coughed like I'd die. How can you be so sure the same polluted smoke from Vatican has not travelled to Mumbai? Can you identify polluted Vatican smoke from polluted Indian smoke? Can you? You can't Mr Pope! Mr Pope...Mr Pope! Thought he was here with us!

Studio Crew: Sir, you started ranting at the camera and he crawled under the table and fled five minutes back.