Today, on Original Spin: Pervy peeping Tom found murdered — but who did the deed? PLUS! The secrets of the satanic cult that unites a dangerous wizard with an underworld serial killer. PLUS! Sexy schoolteacher Emma lets it all hang out, wink wink, boys. Secrets! Scandal! Sex! Sex! Sex! It’s all here in… ORIGINAL SPIN!

Now with UNORIGINAL SPOILERS!

MOON CREEP MURDERED! SEX GAMES GONE WRONG?

Notorious voyeur and possible terrorist “The” Watcher has been found dead in his remote cabin in the woods. Moon? Moonwoods. In a grisly scene of graphic horror that we can’t describe because it may disturb some readers (see pictures), Watcher was found shot in the head and with his eyes gouged out.

Gruesome scenes. People with eyes are advised to look away.

Watcher, who also goes by the foreign-sounding alias “Uatu”, is a famous pervert who keeps a “dungeon” full of “devices”, and is known to spy on children. A suspected criminal mastermind, Watcher is linked to a series of catastrophic events, including near-extinctions, major deaths, and epic battles, yet government agents have long refused to do anything about him. Thanks, American president who sometimes appears in silhouette and may or may not be Barack Obama.

With the menace of Watcher finally ended, the question only we dare to ask is; who was behind this act of cosmic vigilantism? A spurned mistress? A jealous husband? A righteous victim of Watcher’s terrible crimes? Pseudobama?

A special task force has convened to investigate the killing, headed up by retired intelligence tzar Nicholas Fury (Hasselhoff version; not Sam Jackson). Early speculation has centered on two suspects; a red-headed figure in black, and a white-haired man in red, who are said to have custody of Watcher’s eyeballs. Reddit users have already identified the suspects as Muslims.

Mary Jane Watson and Omega Red, probably.

‘WATCHER’ MURDER TASK FORCE ALREADY MIRED IN CONTROVERSY

The task force appointed to investigate the murder and disemb-eye-ment of Uatu Watcher is already steeped in claims of corruption and mismanagement this morning as the identity of the parties involved was exclusively revealed to the press.

Won’t somebody think of the children?

The group, which has no congressional approval, includes an alcoholic arms dealer, a pagan extremist, a senior figure in Vladimir Putin’s KGB, and a Canadian. The group was put together by Steven Rogers, a man with known ties to Adolf Hitler, and is headed up by a spy who had sexual relations with the current head of HYDRA. [Editor’s note: Bill Paxton? Fact check this.]

People are already asking; can these people be trusted to bring Watcher’s killers to justice? Aren’t these people killers? Is it possible that one of them is responsible? Several members of the task force were spotted eating together just before the murder was reported, leading many to ask why the group was already in cahoots. Is this a cover-up, and how is it tied to Benghazi? Witnesses say that Canadian task force representative James Logan Wolverine Howlett threatened to “stab” celebrated hero Captain America over a piece of steak, leading to speculation of dissension in the ranks.

Hostilities along 49th parallel?

Reports suggest that Wolverine is involved in criminal activity in another storyline that everyone is quietly ignoring at this time. It is also alleged that Wolverine only has a few months to live.

SIN STUNNER EMMA IS A STRICT HEADMISTRESS

She knows what you’re thinking, boys. Wink.

Busty Boston beauty Emma is more than just a pretty face. The leggy lady teaches at an elite school on a private island, but for our exclusive photo shoot Emma showed that she’s not always about class.

Lusty Emma stripped down to a slinky black leather outfit that leaves nothing off the curriculum! She may know a lot about teaching business, but this midriff-baring brainiac still doesn’t know how to work a zipper! Emma, we’ll see you in detention!

[Editor’s note: Actually this is what she always wears.]

SPIDER-MENACE CAUSES MINDLESS DESTRUCTION

Photography by Peter Parker.

The dangerous lunatic known only as “Spider-Man” was spotted in downtown Manhattan this week, tearing up the city like he was auditioning for a Zack Snyder movie.

Local hero Benjamin Jacob Thing was seen trying to minimize the damage caused by the webslinger, but was unable to prevent a massive explosion that devastated the area. An unidentified third party, clearly distressed by recent events on the moon, was tragically driven to end his life after Spider-Man publicly taunted him by calling him “a mindless one”.

Won’t somebody think of the children?

A weapon of mass destruction, the “Ultimate Nulliier” was spotted in the rubble, and may now have fallen into Spider-Man’s hands. The time has come to ask; when will President Psuedobama take action against this criminal and bring him to justice?

INSIDE STEPHEN STRANGE’S SECRET SEX DEATH MURDER MAGIC CULT

Strangecastle: Live in Los Angeles

Stephen Strange, the Beast of Greenwich Village, has been seen in Los Angeles this week near the site of the Charles Manson murders, meeting with famed killer Frank Castle, a traumatized military vet who travels the country “punishing” Italian-American businessmen. Strange and Castle are thought to be part of a secretive cult organization tied to the murder of Uatu Watcher.

Other members of this cult may include the assassin James Barnes, mentally unstable vigilante Marc Spector, African despot T’Challa Panther, wanted fugitive Gamora O’Galaxy, and busty Boston beauty Emma, who looks great in her belted cutoffs and clingy low-cut blouse. Oh, and there’s an Ant-Man, whatever that is.

Experts are already speculating as to what sinister agenda could bring such an implausible team of people together, with some suggesting that it’s all tied to something called a “crossover”, and that the ultimate aim is to “get readers invested in second-string characters”. Readers have been advised “not to think about it too much” and “just go with it”.

That’s all the news that’s fit to print. We’ll be back with more on this story as it unfolds.

Original Sin #1 by Jason Aaron and Mike Deodato, with Frank Martin and Chris Eliopoulis. Original Spin header graphic by Dylan Todd.

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