NY, NY - (June 8) -
President Heroin went before the UN General Assembly of
sanctimonious hypocrites, today, and addressed
representatives of all the so-called "member" nations,
telling them how, if they didn't stop doing, you know,
drugs an' shit, they'd immediately lose not only their
so-called "member" status, but also their, you know,
"members" themselves. If you know what I mean.

Speaking extemporaneously after coughing out a couplea
huge bong hits of crack, the President told the
assembled diplomatic losers, "Hey, if you buncha
diplomatic losers don't stop doing drugs 'n shit, we're
not only gonna revoke your, you know, 'member' status,
but also your, you know, 'members' themselves. If you
know what I mean."

The President then ran through a demonstration of all
the drugs the assembled diplomatic losers had better,
the fuck, stop doing -- immediately.

"First," said President Heroin, downing a couplea
bottles of Dexatrim as he spoke, "You better, the fuck,
stop doing speed, cause, for one thing, it makes
you all jumpy an' shit."

To demonstrate, he had the central NATO nuclear missile
control room wheeled on stage, and then sat there at the
master control panel, being all jumpy from all the
fucking Dexatrim he'd just scarfed, until, finally, he
just, whoops, accidentally, like, pushed the nuclear
button and destroyed the world.

"Whoops," said the President, all Don Knotts overdrive,
"There goes Australia! -- So, see how bad speed is?
It is, definitely, you know, WRONG!!! Now, pardon me,
while I do another couplea quick huge bong loads of this
special CIA leftover Lebanese hash to ease coming down."

After watching the vagrant smoke glide slowly out his
nostrils, the President told the assembled buncha
sycophants and nepotism recipients that they also
better, the fuck, stop doing heroin, even though it was
still much less than half as popular as speed.

"And you better, the fuck, stop doing heroin, ya buncha
sycophants and nepotism recipients!" the President said,
mainlining a huge syringe of goop into his ankle, site
of the only uncollapsed vein he had left.

And, despite also, coincidentally, getting a blow job at
the same time, he still promptly nodded out from the
heroin, and fell over -- his forehead just barely
grazing the nuclear button, but still just enough to
destroy the world.

"Huh," said the President, slowly, drawling,
three-quarters out of it. "Yeah... whoops .... there
goes, uhhh, you know.... South America ... or wherever
... so that's why ... you know .... you buncha political
.... payback recipients .... out there better.... the
fuck ... stop mainlining heroin."

Then, after the secret service had forced a couplea more
bottles of Dexatrim down his throat to revive him, the
President returned to the podium and continued his
speech.

"Now I took the liberty of borrowing, you know, Albert
Hoffman's original 1948 batch of LSD-25 from the
Smithsonian Institute, just an hour or so ago," the
President looked at his watch, "and I should be coming
on, just about....."

And immediately, the President got all happy and trippy
and started singing and whistling old Electric Prunes
and Blues Magoos songs, and stripping off his clothes
and dancing around naked and putting on paisley shirts
and bell bottoms and beads and shit.

"Oh wow," the President told the assembled diplomatic
scum. But as he was trying to, you know, "ball" every
"chick" in sight, he kinda tripped (as it were) and fell
sprawling across ALL the nuclear buttons, sending tens
of thousands of advanced nuclear warheads hurtling in
the direction of major and lesser cities of all nations
and times.

"Whooops," he said, getting back up and quickly scarfing
a couplea dozen bottles of different B-vitamins, to come
down.

"So, you see, if you buncha overfed sweathogs out there,
don't stop doin', like, every fuckin' drug in world,
it's gonna immediately lead to the fucking end of
the world. And then there won't be any drugs left for
ANY of us. Neither YOU nor ME. Though, frankly,
I'm not so sure I really give a flaming flying fuck
about, you know, you."

The President, apparently coming down badly from the
acid despite the B-vitamins and, with no other drugs
left to demonstrate anyway, ended his speech by telling
the assembled sanctimonious dickheads, to "just, you
know, shut the fuck up and mind your own fucking
business, ya buncha sanctimonious, hypocritical,
self-righteous dickheads!"