Helpful Tips on How to Approach Family Members and Friends or How to Tell Others About Your Adoption Plan

When you are thinking about adoption for your baby, you should first consider
speaking with your friends and family. But, really think it through before
talking to anyone about it. Try to imagine how the conversations might play out.

Try to imagine what the response might be from each person when breaking the news
of an unplanned pregnancy, especially the father of the baby. You have a secret
to reveal and may not be sure where to turn or what will happen next. You may be
feeling helpless, confused, and fearful about the future and about talking about it.

You may think that the decisions you make moving forward are yours alone. While
this is true, talking about adoption as an option can also be an opportunity to
strengthen relationships and gain respect. Speak openly and honestly with the
father of the baby and your friends and family. With patience and confidence,
explain the plans you have for your life and for the life of the expected baby.

Once you have confirmed the pregnancy with a doctor or
pregnancy center,
it is time to start thinking about decisions you will have to make. Start by
making a list of the things you will need to decide. List the reasons for
decisions you are considering, and take your time thinking it over. If you choose
to start working out an adoption plan for your baby, here are some things to think
about, and maybe to talk with friends and family about:

What kind of adoption you would prefer:

Do you want to get to know the family, or remain completely confidential

Whether you would like photos or maybe even visit the child as the years go by

What kind of Adoptive Parents you would prefer

a big family or one with lots of extended family members or maybe a
childless couple

maybe you have a preference about their religion, or what kind work
they do

whether you would want them to live nearby or whether you would
prefer some distance

Telling Family

The months of pregnancy are a very delicate time. Attitude, behavior and
nutritional choices of the mother during this time have an impact on the health
and future development of the baby. The pregnant woman should be surrounded by
a positive, calm and tranquil atmosphere as much as possible. Anger and anxiety
should be avoided.

Sharing painful secrets with the people who love you can bring great peace, but
sometimes it is just not possible. If your immediate family is not able or willing
to help you through this difficult time, seek out others who can; close friends,
maybe even his family, or even professional counselors. Please let us help you
get connected to
someone now.

Your family may have lots of questions. They may ask to talk to the father of the
baby or his family. Some may yell or cry. Some may be embarrassed or fearful of
what others will think. Someone may offer to help you raise the baby, but even so,
this is your baby and you are the person most responsible for the decisions made
for the baby’s well-being. No matter your age, or how much pressure your loved
ones put on you, this is an adult decision that you must make, even if it is your
first adult decision.

Present the facts and tell them you would like to hear their opinions. It may help
to hold off expressing your own feelings until they have had a chance to express
theirs. If possible, try to allow them time between hearing the news and having
deeper conversations about your plans moving forward. If they expect that you
should immediately agree with their opinions, you can always ask for more time
to think things through. Remember to thank them for their opinions even when you
don’t agree.

Decide who you will speak with first. Think of the person who is most likely to
understand your feelings. Maybe it’s your best friend, or your mom, or maybe the
father of the baby. Consider how family members, even aunts and uncles and
grandparents, might feel if they were to be left out of your decision. Give a lot
of thought to how you will present this news. For example, you may not bring the
news to an elderly aunt with the same language that you speak with a close sister,
brother or friend. This may not be the right time for a group meeting, unless you
have a family that is really good at this kind of thing.

If you’re exhibiting symptoms or drastically changing your lifestyle, you might
find it more difficult to hide it from some of the people in your life. Before
12 weeks, there is a higher chance of a miscarriage. So, at 12 weeks is the
generally accepted
safe point to share
your news, the important thing is that you do it when you feel ready. It may be
earlier than 12 weeks, or it may even be later – whatever you feel is right for
you.

Telling the father of the baby

If you have a good relationship with your baby’s father you may be able to
considering the options and make a decision together. Some women considering
adoption, however, do not have a good relationship with their child’s father.
For example, they may have had a violent relationship with the father, or may
have no relationship with him now. In such circumstances, an adoption professional
or attorney can contact the father as necessary.

"When, where and what will you say"

"I was on the pill, and had only been with my boyfriend for a month, so it
was a real shock when I became pregnant. When I told him, he just kind of
mumbled at me and stormed off. I was devastated."

"I told my ex by email since I wasn't going to see him for a about week.
He phoned me right back and asked me to get an abortion. I told him to think
about it a bit longer. A week later he apologized and said that it's my
decision and he'll support me whatever I choose to do."

"I took the test during my lunch break. As soon as I saw the second line appear,
I called my boyfriend at home, bawling my eyes out. I felt like I'd ruined
everything - our five-year plan and so on - but he reassured me it was all
right."

"I wasn't in a relationship with the father of my baby when I got pregnant,
so I really didn't know how to tell him. After weeks of agonizing, I eventually
wrote an old-fashioned letter and put it through his door. It gave me a chance
to explain how I felt about everything before we talked. When we did meet up,
he was really supportive."

“It took me a whole day after I found out to text him and say I needed to talk
to him. When he came to see me, he asked what it was but I couldn't speak.
I just looked at him. He asked me if I was pregnant, and I said yes. I didn't
really tell him. He just figured it out!"

"After the test showed positive, I started to panic. I shakily asked my
boyfriend to come and sit down so I could talk to him. He was like, 'What's
the problem?' He started to guess stuff, like did I do something to the car?
Did I cheat? I said, 'no'. Then he said, 'Are you pregnant?' I just nodded."

There are several reasons for involving the baby’s father, not the least of which are
state laws
about fathers’ rights, roles and responsibilities. Each state has their own law
about adoption. Most states require that the father (or the man you think is the
father) be told about the baby before the adoption. This is true even if you
aren‘t married to the father. While laws vary, many states require that your
baby’s father (or your husband) sign legal papers agreeing to the adoption;
granting legal “consent” before you can place your child in an adopting family.

If you're concerned about how he will take the news, you're not alone. But you may
find his response more positive than you imagine. When you break the news that
you’re pregnant, he may go into shock. People in shock do funny things. He may
seem as if he hasn’t heard what you’ve just said. He may not want to show his fear
and just mumble something. He could say the first thing that comes into his head,
which will could be something hurtful or goofy. He may not even believe you.
These are all normal reactions. Try to be sympathetic. You’ve probably been through
it already yourself over the past few days.

The problem with asking for support is that it can mean different things to
different people. Before you ask for his support, try to think about exactly what
you really need from him.

Emotional support: just being there for you?

Financial support: help with the costs?

Practical support: help with baby care and daily chores?

Maybe his opinions about choosing an adoptive family?

Once you’ve worked out what you want from him in the longer term, bring the focus
back to the next few days. Would you like him to be with you when you tell your
family? Would you want him to go to the doctor with you? If you are considering
adoption, would you like for him to be with you during that process? Knowing what
you want means you’re halfway to getting it. If you just ask for support without
saying exactly what you mean, he may panic. By being specific, you can help him
see a clear way forward, one need at a time. Think of the first chat as the
beginning of an ongoing conversation. Make it short with a plan to talk the next
day, after he’s had a chance to get his head around the news. Don’t be afraid to
ask for what you need.

When you also have other children

Many women choosing adoption for the baby they are expecting already have a child
that they’re raising. Fully understanding the commitment and resources needed,
they more easily recognize what’s best for them and their family.

Explain your decision and the process to the children you already have. Don’t try
to keep your adoption decision or your emotions a secret from your children.
Children tend to sense and reflect the emotions of their parents, so make sure
that you are representing a positive outlook. They will look to you for reassurance.

Your Adoption Advisor
can give you advice on how to appropriately have this conversation. After you
explain your adoption decision, maybe even let your children be a part of your
adoption decisions.

No matter how you choose to explain your adoption decision, it’s important that
it remain an open and honest conversation throughout the process and even after
the adoption is complete. If you can provide a better understanding of the benefits
of adoption, it will lead to a healthier relationships.