Dating maze #284 - Mother Interference

My daughter's relationship is stuck. What's the boundary between helping and interfering?

I'm concerned about my daughter, who is in her early twenties. She has been dating a young man for almost two years now and can't make up her mind about marrying him. She says she doesn't feel sure if he's the one. She tells me she doesn't trust him to be stable in his opinions or life goals. Once she left him, but then missed him, and they went back together.

Personally, I believe she doesn't admire his personality or character traits enough to become married. On the other hand, he's a nice man who has good intentions.

My husband and I have tried not to interfere, because we're afraid to influence any decision she could later regret.

But time is passing, and I think that in the future it could be even more difficult for her to decide. How can we help her? What are a parent's boundaries between interfering and helping?

Judy

Dear Judy,

We appreciate hearing from a parent who wants to help an adult child make good choices with regard to dating, and we agree with you that it's not easy to know when to offer her insight or unsolicited advice, and when it's more appropriate to step back and allow the child to make her way through life independently.

Parents play a much more significant role in their adult children's lives that they realize. Although young adult children may drive a car and have the right to vote, parents still feel an obligation to help them with decisions about education, career path, medical, legal and financial issues, etc., and often continue to provide advice and guidance as their children move forward in life.

And yet, when it comes to the most important of life's decisions, many of us are afraid to offer our opinions, advice, or input. We're afraid to be too interfering, and yet, when we see our child struggling to find suitable people to date, and/or choosing dating partners based on criteria that seem to us to be superficial or unrealistic, not knowing how to build a relationship that can lead to a healthy marriage, or staying in an unhealthy relationship without knowing to get out or how to do so, we feel paralyzed. Why do we hesitate to offer our input in the area of dating when we feel comfortable enough offering guidance in other areas of our adult children's lives?

Many young people want their parents to "interfere."

We've been approached many times by parents who lament, "I didn't want to interfere and express my concerns about who my child was dating, and now I wish I would have." And there is no shortage of adult men and women who have confided to us, "My parents saw a problem, but didn't they didn't want to share it with me because they felt they didn't have the right to do so. I wish they would have. It would have given me the push to deal with a key issue I was ignoring."

So, what should a parent's role be in the dating process? It depends on many factors: to what degree other parents in your social circle are involved, the kind of relationship you have with your child and if she welcomes your input, and how strongly you feel about the particular issue in question. Someone who is just starting to date might benefit from a parent's suggestions about realistic expectations for marriage and qualities to look for in a potential spouse. An active dater might appreciate a parent's help with networking, and may genuinely want to hear a parent's opinions about the person they're dating seriously.

Figuring out whether and when to offer important, unsolicited input can be a difficult balancing act for many parents, and there are only a few hard and fast rules:

1) Do not make decisions for your child, nor pressure the child into making certain choices.

2) You must share your concerns about any dating relationship that you perceive to be unhealthy or dangerous.

Having the Talk

Your letter indicates that your daughter has been comfortable sharing with you some of her feelings about the man she's been dating for the past two years, but that you've been reluctant to do more than listen and offer support. Since she's still struggling with whether to proceed in this relationship, this seems an appropriate time for you to share with her some of your thoughts and concerns. We suggest that you and your husband first sit down together and discuss the points you'd like to bring up. It's helpful to think of the positive aspects of your daughter's relationship with this young man, as well as the issues that you're concerned about. Once you decide which points to bring up, schedule time for a private, uninterrupted conversation with your daughter.

We can't just sit by and see you struggle.

We suggest beginning with something like, "We see how hard it's been for you over the past several months to come to a decision about 'David', but until now we haven't really shared our own thoughts because we thought this was a process you had to go through on your own. But now we realize that as your parents, we can't just sit by and see you struggle. We think that if we share our ideas with you, it might help you come to a decision about where you see yourself headed in life, and whether and how 'David' will be included in those plans."

It goes without saying that this isn't a time to give your daughter directives such as, "You should break up with David," or "You should marry him," or "The two of you need to take a break."

It's also important to try to present your observations in a non-accusatory and non-confrontational way. You daughter won't be able to listen if she's put on the defensive. And after you and your husband have shared your thoughts, give her the space to decide if and what she wants to discuss with you. You might also encourage her to choose a third party she trusts to mentor her through the process that will follow your discussion.

Points to Consider

Here are a few guidelines as you prepare to discuss things with your daughter. The first is that the fact that two people like each other and feel a strong bond of friendship isn't a solid enough basis for marriage. Couples also need to respect and admire each other and have compatible values, goals for the future, and lifestyle expectations. In addition, each should believe that the other will be able to be a stable, committed marriage partner. You daughter can ask herself if she's having difficulty making a decision because one or more of these elements are missing with the young man she's dating.

Or, your daughter may be unsure about this man because he's still in the process of figuring out what he wants out of life, while she has a clearer direction. Remember, young adults are still in the process of developing aspects of their own persona and formulating their goals and values. Their tastes and preferences may have changed since the time they began dating two years ago. They may not have grown in similar directions, or one may have matured faster than the other. It could be that one or both of them may not yet feel ready for marriage.

Because they like each other and have a long history together, it may be difficult for them to acknowledge that they've become too different to be compatible in marriage. Or they might feel that marriage "should be" the next logical step in their relationship, but right now they are just comfortably "stuck" in dating.

It's difficult for a parent to observe a child struggling in a relationship that seems to be stagnating rather than moving forward. Courtships such as these usually fall apart when one or both of the daters wants to move to the next level and becomes frustrated by the couple's lack of progress. But when a courtship has been on the slow track for a long time, it's sometimes hard for the daters to realize when things have gotten stuck. By discussing your concerns with your daughter, and by encouraging her to look closely at her own goals in life, and what she expects from a committed relationship, you can help her gain the clarity she needs to make the right decision about her future. We wish you and your daughter success in navigating the dating maze.

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About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 1

(1)
Have been there,
June 1, 2009 2:32 PM

Speak up, but choose your words carefully

Judy,
When I got divorced, both my parents and friends said that the warning signs had been there from the beginning but they didn't want to interfere. I deeply wish they *had* shared their concerns -- I had been too inexperienced to realize that what I thought were mere quirks were actually serious red flags. So yes, you should tell your daughter that the things you have observed are indeed valid concerns that could cause a real problem for a marriage if not addressed beforehand -- and that if she's still unsure after two years, there is such a thing as someone who's good friend material but not for more.
However, please be careful how and what you do say. My brother married a nasty gold-digger and got burned. One of the many things she did was use him to get US citizenship. My current wife also applied for US citizenship after we decided to get married, and so one of my relatives, based on that fact alone, declared that my current wife was probably a gold-digger too. Since my current wife has a long history of actually being a generous, helpful, and giving person (which indeed is why friends set us up together), that comment went over badly and it still rankles.
So yes, offer your daughter the benefit of your experience. Just please first make sure that your general experience is relevant to the individuals in question.

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I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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