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Friday, March 25, 2016

this scanagram thing is really fun. and it's super simple. just lay items on the scanner, leave it open and scan. leaving it open is what gives the dramatic black background. the fun is in arranging the items on the glass, just so. it's rather addictive. i love how the feathers turned out, especially the little dotty woodpecker ones. beautifully dramatic. perhaps something for our upcoming spring exhibition, where the theme is tæt på (close up)?

you feel so many things when someone close to you dies. and one of the most unexpected things you feel is anger and impatience.

while i sat on the plane, wondering what i was heading towards, i felt so angry that others felt ownership of what was MY father dying. and it only increased, completely inappropriately, at moments when i least expected it. STOP saying you're sorry. STOP saying you'll miss him. it wasn't your FUCKING father who died. leave me alone with this, it's MINE. GET AWAY FROM ME!! and stop thinking it's about you.

but that faded.

but now a favorite aunt has also died. and i just read her obituary and it MADE ME SO ANGRY and i can't really explain why. but it's at least partially because a few paragraphs cannot encompass a life of 89 years. she was SO MUCH MORE than the vapid, emptiness listed in her obituary. GIVE HER CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE! she was this amazing, centering presence at the heart of our big family and the sentimental way in which that was expressed does not even remotely do justice to her.

WHO WRITES THESE THINGS?

at least with my dad's obituary, i knew who wrote it because it was me.

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i'm clearing out my drafts folder...i wrote this 6/3.2015 and never published it. i'm not sure why, perhaps i felt too angry at the time. but today, 24/3.2016 it seems like time to publish this, even if it is but a fragment...

a friend recently shared a link to this blog piece, written by a dane on how weird he realized danes were once he had spent some time out there in the world. she thanked me for hanging in there anyway, which was pretty sweet. (28/9.2014)

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my bloggy friend jessica of scrumdillydilly, who i've been reading since, well, forever, recently wrote a great postabout the insecurities brought on by the internet. (17/7.2014)

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an interesting piece in information on the constitution of the modern family in denmark, where 45% live in a non-traditional family - with traditional being original mother and father and children living together under one roof.(23/3.2014)

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mel's beautiful words on instagram....This is the book that started the flood. In 2010, my teacher asked me to write in a journal - I only know the year because of the dates in these pages. The wife of a writer, we had lots of blank books lying around - gifts from friends and family - and after many failed attempts of my own over the years, I was skeptical. She urged me to try - pen and paper, by hand. The first weeks worth of pages are here, on 20 lb printer paper - temporary, disposable. Another teacher said - it doesn't matter what you write - it's space just for you. That unlocked something and after five days I pulled this empty book off the shelf and the words started leaking out of my pen. This is the book that showed me that the stories I told myself weren't always true, that the wild thoughts up in my head are not representative of reality. That the approval I'd been seeking was really my own (those words exactly came out on the page). That no feelings are unacceptable and allowing them space to say their piece helps them move on through. That the most important relationship of my life is the one I have with my own self, and that that relationship reflects on every other. This is the book that cracked the dam.
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i'm doing a bit of spring cleaning in my blog drafts folder. nearly 20 items had accumulated there. mostly fragments. some links. passing thoughts, awaiting deeper analysis. they had begun to weigh me down, and yet i didn't want to lose them either, so i decided to go through them, combine them and get them out of the way. hopefully to make room for new, fresh, livelier thoughts and words.

janteloven (the law of jante) is what you might call the general danish philosophy to live by. and apparently it turns 80 years old this year. it comes from a book written by danish-norwegian author aksel sandemose, who, despite being born and dying in denmark, moved to norway for long enough to be deemed norwegian instead of danish. apparently after a stay in denmark he noticed that the following ten "laws" appear to be the general philosophy.

you shouldn't think you are anything (du skal ikke tro, du er noget.)

you shouldn't think that you're as much as we are. (du skal ikke tro, at du er lige så meget som os.)

you shouldn't believe that you're smarter than we are. (du skal ikke tro, at du er klogere end os.)

like much of the world, i've been watching with fascinated horror the news of the malaysia airlines plane shot down over the ukraine. the tragedy of the loss of so many people from the AIDS community on their way to a conference in australia is stunning in and of itself. i read this piece in the nytimes,

but speaking of social media, there was this article about a woman who had made her living on facebook, but now had decided to break up with it.

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fragments written 20/7.2014, found among my drafts. unfinished thoughts.

we were talking at lunch the other day about alone time. and how utterly blissful it is. i love time alone. husband is off in copenhagen being political today. sabs is hanging out with her boyfriend. and i've got the house all to myself. and it feel so luxurious and so full of possibility. i could sew something. i could read. i could drink tea. i could experiment in the kitchen. i could paint. or stitch. or take photos of minifigures. or scan some spring flowers on my scanner. or take a nap. or pin some things on pinterest. or write. or maybe a little of everything.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

my "to blog" list grows, but alas, time has not expanded and it leaves me feeling a bit diffuse and out-of-focus. i always suffer when i'm not writing. but while not writing, my mind has been occupied. occupied by questions of home, being present in my body and dreams of making a podcast.

last weekend, in connection with an amazing art project that i'm participating in with our local art group, trapholt museum in kolding and trekantsområde, a danish artist and a syrian artist, we had an amazing discussion of what home means. it's a question i increasingly ponder these days, as the country of my birth displays distressing signs of madness on the political front. denmark isn't that much better, but they did just regain their status as world's happiest. this, despite rabid right wing xenophobes at the helm. but it all leaves me feeling, once again, a lack of a place that feels like home. at least identity-wise. and maybe i'm also feeling split since my work week is spent away from the house i call home. but that seems to be serving to make our actual house feel more like home base. the place from which i go into the world, stretch my wings (and my muscles at yoga class these days), and soar. i'm loving work and the fun things i get to do there - photoshoots, video shoots, chasing a lorry through the scottish highlands, casting, arranging, planning fun projects. so the split isn't a sad one. and maybe the conclusion is that i now have multiple homes - i feel at home at work and at home, in copenhagen and in the countryside, with husband on the weekend and on my own during the week. maybe we're multifaceted and we have many homes. perhaps the constant is me and thanks to my newfound yoga practice, i am finding home right here within myself, in my own body. and i honestly can't remember when the last time i felt that was, if i ever did.

that fact hit me the other day, as i stretched into minute 5 of a yoga pose, my inner thigh muscles screaming for every bit of my attention. i couldn't remember the last time i really listened to my body in that way. was attuned to it. that it had my full attention. that i was just there, in it, and nowhere else. i really don't know if i've ever been fully in my body in that way before. ever. in nearly five decades. we live so much in our heads these days, it's hard to be fully present in our bodies. but, now, after the major wakeup call of acute and sudden back problems, i'm working on it. and yoga is definitely helping. with regular practice, maybe i'll be able to call my own body home.

Saturday, March 05, 2016

i took this photo yesterday evening from the bridge of pearl seaways. the waning wintery light was really that blue in the calm, gorgeous oslo fjord (this photo is SOOC). the bridge was dark and oh-so-calm. i had a great conversation with the captain, who was alone on the bridge, while everyone else ate dinner. it was a little bit like the kind of zen moment that yoga has given me of late. a calm, easy, yet meaningful, deep conversation after a very busy day, full of so much goodness, but also non-stop and stressful in its own way, filled up my heart and my energy reserves. namaste.