All posts by Wing Girl Kim

Having been faced with marriage at least four times (maybe it was five), and offered wealth to be a couple guys' girlfriend, I've learned "the art" of being a guy's date. This has afforded me rare opportunities of becoming a confidante, learning some of my boys' deepest, darkest secrets. (And I will never tell.) Because of my companionship ability, I've found a purpose as a wing girl, helping guys meet women by creating a comfortable atmosphere. As a liaison, I help open lines of communication between strangers and bring more fun into a night or a day out. From all my experiences, I have compiled and developed an approach for dating in the book, AlphaDog, Get The Bitch You Want: A Man's Guide to Dating, by a Woman.

Nobody says divorce is fun, and few say it’s easy to recover from. Therefore, here’s a list of 5 things you should do after you get divorced.

1. Go to the spa. Take care of your self, especially if you think the breakup was your fault. Get a massage, and let someone undo those knots in your trapezius. Make sure you choose a swanky place so that you can drift away amidst the relaxing sounds and natural aromatherapy. You might think your former other half isn’t human, but alas it’s true. Stop stewing in the blame game and go melt your cares away.

2. Go out on foot. Get some exercise be it walking, jogging, or running. And go the distance. Your endorphins will help you think more clearly after the dread you just faced. Plus, it will help ward off the extra calories you probably ingest from the stress.

3. Get a pet, preferably a dog. After a divorce, there’s a chance you think that people suck. But animals are innocent creatures who will be loyal to you for simple things, like feedings, and walks if it’s a dog. If you have a pet already, get another one. That animal was probably also your former other half’s and you don’t need it reminding you of him/her. But another pet in the house can alleviate those reminders. You can handle pet rivalry, right?

4. Throw a party. Isolating yourself after a big life change probably isn’t a good idea. Get your best friends together, tell each other jokes, have laughs and enjoy the company. If you don’t have friends, buy a round for everyone at the local bar. Then you’ll have friends.

5. Be a volunteer. Go help someone. Build a house for someone who doesn’t have one. Deliver a meal to a 90-year-old in a six-floor walk-up. Do something who’s got it worse than you. Then you won’t feel so bad for yourself.

Get your focus off the relationship gone south, and put yourself back in balance. Then you’ll be in a better place to know whether to seek a new romance or choose contentment with yourself.

I’ve gone completely crazy. Me, the dating adviser. It’s been 4 months since starting to work with a therapist for 9-11 trauma, and I’ve been blessed by the presence of amazing people who have been supportive. Trauma itself is difficult to overcome. Your brain gets foggy. Events get confused. Memories are like dreams. Feelings are intense. At times I’ve had to leave work early because I could no longer think straight.

Today, it’s not the trauma that’s messing with my head. It’s that combination of chemicals in the brain that Helen Fisher talks about: adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin. It’s like being high on cocaine. And it’s all one guy’s fault.

How It Began

I love motorcycles. Riding and wrenching are my favorite pastimes. This year I hope to get on the race track and surpass my current street top speed of 95 mph. That’s pretty fast on a 30 year old motorcycle. So, the International Motorcycle Show comes around and I go. There, at one of exhibits, I meet a nice-looking, average-build man with a dark beard – a motorcycle mechanic who is working the exhibit. We had a conversation about owning 30-year-old bikes, and how he can help me with mine at his shop in upstate New York. I thought little of the meeting, took his card, said bye. I just wanted to see more exhibits.

A few weeks after the show, I get a Facebook message. It’s him. I remembered him, not because he was a good looking guy… scratch that. I remembered him partly because he had these eyes that seemed to look straight through me, and because of those eyes I remembered that he was easy on my eyes. But mostly because he was a mechanic not too far away who offered to help me with my bike, and that I could just stop by. I was not attracted to him at all. My head at the show was thinking about work. I was there as press and had been interviewing exhibitors about their products. I was not thinking about his body language, or the fact that his offer was an outright invitation to get to know him better. Nor did I think that the Facebook message was strange, since I gave him my card… oh no, but I didn’t. I didn’t give him anything but the bookmark that advertises the AlphaDog book. No email address, no phone number. And he gets on Facebook and finds me?!

He told me about a bike for sale. It didn’t take long to meet him again.

Was That a Date?

These days I don’t care about dating. I don’t pursue it. Drawing on past experiences to write about dating and relationships is enough. So, when the mechanic offers to help me with the carburetors on my motorcycle in exchange for dating advice, of course I take the offer. I didn’t have cash for a new bike, nor money to spend on maintenance I could do myself. Why not let someone else help out?

So, I ride up to drop off my bike. He shows me around the garage. Since I’m hungry, we go to a restaurant and sit down.

Then he spills the beans.

“You realize that I made that offer to get you to come up here.”

It didn’t register.

I change the subject, “When you ask that girl out, don’t ask for permission.”

He obliges and talks about this girl he had a crush on in high school. Her Facebook page doesn’t say she’s in a relationship.

We finished dinner and headed to the train, since I’d left the bike at his garage to work on a few things. But I missed the train.

Instead of waiting for the next train, he insists on driving me home, 40 miles away.

Tasting the Medicine

I don’t usually tell guys I date to read my book. They all know about it. It’s up to them. Then again, I didn’t consider the mechanic someone I was dating. He was someone who needed dating advice. So, of course I told him he should read my book. And he did.

A few weeks later, I call to get my bike. He offers to drive down to pick me up. “It’s no big deal,” he said.

At the garage he tells me that his high school crush has a boyfriend. He asks questions about how he can be an alpha without the cash. And he points out little things he fixed on my bike. They were totally unexpected. Blinders removed, I came out of denial. I didn’t know what to think or how I felt.

He asks to keep the bike one more week. “Okay,” I said, not sure if I really wanted to make another 40 mile trip.

The next weekend, I thought long and hard about the mechanic’s pursuit. We met in January. It’s now March. I was about to see him for the fourth time. Would I allow myself to be attracted to him? It didn’t matter that he has no college degree, or that his house is small, or that my income is nearly twice his. What stuck out was his tenacity, respect, patience, and his brains. In spite of having no college degree, he is still a lot smarter than most people. To me, that’s hot. It helped knowing that his personality type is “perceiving”, meaning he likes to keep his options open, and has a hard time making big life decisions. Hey, just like me.

Once again, he made the 40 mile drive to pick me up. Instead of going to the garage, we went for food. Everything was changing.

He was thinner than the first time I met him. His beard was neatly trimmed. We sat at the bar and talked. I don’t remember what we talked about. I only remember looking at him, attracted.

The next day, the chemicals overtook. I could not stop thinking about how well we connected, his openness, and the fun we had riding his motorcycle as he showed me around his neck of the woods. At one point of our ride, he took my hand to get me to hold on tighter to him before he accelerated into the highway. After the ride, I got on my own bike to go home. It was cold that evening, so he gave me fleece to wear for the ride.

The mechanic accomplished exactly what my book had laid out: getting a woman to go from a gray area to either black or white, or yes or no. I’m in the yes zone.

When I wrote AlphaDog, my dating guide for men, I wanted to make money from my desire to help guys. I had no idea what I would learn.

Book sales started off slow. I had no platform and I was unknown. But I had a boyfriend, who I met while researching for the book. We got along famously and were joined at the hip, almost. And, I had lots of ideas.

I became a contributor to Dating Thoughts. Slowly, sales started to rise. Then I became a writer for the men’s online magazine, TheRugged.com and sales jumped 500% over the previous year.

Then reality struck.

My doctor had told me I had anxiety and that I should go to the World Trade Center health clinic. In September 2001, I lived a little over a mile from Ground Zero in New York City. Just before 9 a.m. on that Tuesday morning, I woke up to what felt like an earthquake. It was the plane crashing into the first tower. Outside, with a crowd of onlookers, I watched in horror as the towers fell, and I saw droves of people covered in dust crossing over the Brooklyn Bridge. I then went to a nearby hospital and volunteered in triage until 5 in the morning, helping shocked people get home and answering the phone calls of people searching for loved ones and colleagues.

To add to this all, because I had no air conditioner, the dust from Ground Zero contaminated my apartment. I became sick with acute bronchitis and lost my job.

This past November, my book sales dropped to the lowest level all year, and I didn’t know why. I cared, but not enough. In fact, I almost gave up on this whole dating advice thing.

Why would something that in the past gave me joy become a burden?

After months of examinations and therapy, I finally realized that I had been living for the previous 10 years with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from 9-11. How I managed to put out a book in a year escapes me, except for the fact that one thing had motivated me: wanting to help people.

It even says it in my astrological charts – something I disdained until a few months ago. I am motivated by the ability to help people. Sadly, in the past people used this quality against me, but I’ve since grown wiser.

So, I thought it would be good to share my story.

If you’ve noticed, I’ve been the primary writer for DT for a while. (Funny, because before joining DT, I was trying to buy the domain.) The other writers got busy with other priorities. But since I have a book, I stuck around and eked out articles.

Book sales in a way had been a measuring stick for my mental health. Sales started to slump just when I started WTC therapy. I cried a lot, more than I had in my entire life. I was depressed. I didn’t even want to go out. I believe it’s divine intervention, or the universe at work, that caused the spring of emotions to coincide with the drop in book sales. But now that I’m healing and no longer sob at the thought of the towers crashing down, I’m ready to take on the role of wing girl once again.

This is really about my relationship with you. And it’s not too unlike a relationship with a date. I’ve learned that I need to engage more with you. I’ve always wanted people to write in and ask questions. So, now I’m inviting you.

In addition, I’m giving a Valentine’s gift:

Free downloads of the Kindle version of AlphaDog. If you have a Kindle or the Kindle app on a smartphone or tablet, starting at midnight PST on Tuesday, February 14 through Friday, February 17, downloads of the Kindle version of AlphaDog will be available for free. Share the love!

In tragedies there can be beauty. There is more to the story, but I would have to write a memoir.

In case you were wondering, that hip-bound boyfriend became just a friend. I’m happily single.

If you’re not a football fan, but your date is, the first Sunday in February can be a dividing day. But it could be uniting if you knew how to enjoy a good game.

The last time the Giants killed the Patriots in 2008 during Super Bowl XLII (42), fans everywhere were on fire. New England and New York already have a legendary rivalry with the help of baseball great, Babe Ruth, who left the Red Sox for the Yankees helping both teams get to the World Series.

Suspense is in the air

This Sunday, the Patriots will be on the field with all their strength to win back from the Giants the title of Super Bowl champions. The competition will be fierce, and it will be worth watching.

How to enjoy football

Here are some ideas of what you might think about football and an alternate way of seeing the game.

There are a bunch of bodies in tights and armor running around a field, occasionally tossing the ball.

Pay closer attention and you might find that football is not just what you see. In the minds of the players, there is strategy, team work, challenge, foresight, and a lot of quick decisions. Get to know some of the rules and the running can get exciting.

The game seems slow.

The pauses between plays allow the teams to talk strategy, exchange players, and to reset at the line of scrimmage, which is the line where the ball starts at each play, or where it stops at the end of plays. Pauses also allow referees to review plays and make judgments.

Because so much strategy is involved in moving 11 teammates and a ball down the field, it takes a lot of thinking on the coaches’ and quarterbacks’ part. Watch the Giants’ Eli Manning and the Patriots’ Tom Brady closely. You will see in their body language how many decisions they have to make.

What’s a down?

Each down is basically a chance to move the ball 10 yards. When a team has the ball, its players are in offense and they get 4 chances, or 4 downs. Each time they are able to get the ball past 10 yards, they return to first down and again get 4 chances to move the ball another 10 yards.

Sometimes when a team is close to the opponent’s end zone, the players opt to kick the ball aimed at the field goal to gain 3 points if getting a touchdown does not seem feasible.

After 4 downs, if the offensive team is unable to gain 10 yards, the ball is turned over to the other team.

There’s a lot of pushing.

The quarterback has a huge responsibility. He decides the plays and, as the alpha dog, directs the team on how to employ their strategy. (See why I like football? For more on the alpha dog, visit my book’s website.) All the pushing happens so that the quarterback can complete the play either by passing the ball to his teammate or running the ball toward goal. But there are rules to passing. He can only pass the ball from behind the line of scrimmage.

Sometimes the quarterback passes the ball to the runningback, who may also pass the ball or run with it. Whoever gets the ball behind the line of scrimmage, the passing rule still applies.

Some teams have great defense. The Patriots this season had become famous for their defensive skills, or lack thereof. But their coach, Bill Belichick, has had something up his sleeve as their defense improved during playoffs. You can see great defense work when there’s a lot of pushing and tackling on the field.

What’s with the waiting?

Sometimes plays are disputed and referees need to discuss between themselves whether a play is valid. Other times coaches want to communicate with the team before their opponent makes a great play and calls a timeout. Each team gets 3 timeouts per half. Sometimes a penalty is called, or a flag is thrown, and play is stopped.

The game is soooo long.

The clock runs only when the ball is in play. If the ball is fumbled, a pass is incomplete, a penalty is called, or a runner with the ball goes out of bounds, play is stopped. The clock runs again when an official sets the ball down for the next play.

Was 2011 a tough year for romance? Or for other reasons? Loneliness can be our biggest enemy especially when accompanied by heart-wrenching conflicts. You know, the ones that get us begging to an unseen being, or asking, “WHY?” Whether the struggle is within relationships or fighting through life’s challenges, there is nothing like loneliness to force us to feel the pain.

Fortunately, we can also triumph over loneliness either by learning to be comfortable alone or by finding companionship.

Television producer, Tamara Duricka Johnson, triumphed by the latter method, which she shares in her new book, 31 Dates in 31 Days. The title explains. In the new year following her 31st birthday, Tamara (rhymes with camera) would have 31 dates, one date every day for 31 days.

Can you imagine having a date with a different person every day for a month? Most of us probably don’t have the energy to do it. But it became Tamara’s mission in her quest to answer, “Why am I still single?!” (Note that the question wasn’t, “Where is my future husband?”)

Make a resolution count

If you’re in the habit of making new years’ resolutions, you’ve likely failed to keep at least some of them.

Resolutions should resolve something, such as a problem. Maybe one of the reasons why so many people give up on diet or weight resolutions, is because diet and weight are not really problems unless they are causing life-threatening conditions, like heart disease or diabetes. Of course, there’s prevention, but unless there’s a real reason to change something, why change?

An effective resolution requires a willingness to change. Without that willingness, nothing will change. Unfortunately, it’s too easy to get comfortable, be lackadaisical, or not really care. Hence, unwillingness.

To make a resolution really count, do this:

Quit complaining

Desire change

Write attainable goals

The aim is resolution. In other words, you must become resolved about whatever the issue is. In the case of loneliness, the aim could be to either become content with being alone, or find companionship.

Tamara wasn’t about learning to be alone, but she was willing to learn to be that way. She made a plan, designated dating rules, then put out the word about her “project”. At the very least she would learn something even if she didn’t find companionship.

So how do you make a resolution that actually resolves?

First of all, you have to want to become resolved, or want change. If you don’t really want to change anything, then don’t bother trying. But if you do really want change, the key is in your goals. And goals need aim.

Aim vs. goal

A soccer player doesn’t score a goal without aim. When he aims, the goal cage is the focus. Not having aim puts the ball in any direction. Making goals is nearly impossible without aim.

Tamara’s aim was to conquer loneliness. Her goal: go on 31 dates in 31 days.

It’s much easier to attain goals, when your aim is clear. And it’s much easier to reach goals when they are attainable. For example, a goal of losing 20 pounds can be exciting at first, but it can get taxing when you’re 18 pounds away. Make the aim 20 pounds and the goal losing 1 pound per week. (Then remember the weeks will be up and down.) Or make the aim having more energy.

The dating resolution

If you want to change your dating life for the better, make your aim clear, and set attainable goals.

The following table lists some examples of aims and goals.

Aim

Goal

Make new friends

Meet one new person every week for 20 weeks

Learn something about yourself

Go on 2 dates with 3 people who are not your type

Conquer loneliness

Frequent a new place every weekend for 3 months

Whatever your resolution, set fun goals. Your life should have quality, so don’t make yourself miserable.

For inspiration, read Tamara’s book available in bookstores or on Amazon. It’s funny and insightful, and gives an inside look at her joys, despairs, and triumphs. For more about Tamara’s project, visit 31datesin31days.com.

This video by Andrea Dorfman and poet/singer/songwriter, Tanya Davis, came out in 2010, but it seems to be making its rounds on the interweb. I thought it would be great to share it here during this holiday season.

Ten years after 9-11, this is difficult holiday season for many, including myself having lived one mile away from the World Trade Center, volunteering at a local hospital, then losing my job months later because of chronic bronchitis developed by breathing the black dust that came into my apartment even when the windows were closed.

In spite of the hardships, being alone is one thing I’ve learned to be content with and even cherish at times. It makes meeting people and building relationships beyond priceless. Maybe it’s because of life’s challenges that makes me appreciate being alone. It’s part of a growth process that occurs when we surrender to the tears that come from facing those challenges. It’s not easy to learn, but how amazing when it is learned.

Enjoying being alone is like a gift, and I would love to share it. But how do you share it? This video can’t be a better way.

Getting a good hand might take luck, but it takes skill to play a good game.

Know what’s in your hand

There is no absolute formula for a good pickup. It’s probability. Like estimating the probability of a winning hand from your pocket cards, your chances for a good pickup can be determined from your target’s position relative to yours and the person’s body language.

If your target is right next to you and his or her body turns toward you, it’s like having a pair of aces. But that doesn’t mean you’ll win the hand. There might be an opponent on the dealer/target’s other side who’s already been dealt a straight. Sometimes you have to maneuver for a better position – e.g., consider the other player’s bet, call, wait for the dealer, then raise.

Sometimes maneuvering gives you a better perspective of your odds. You can bluff your opponent, wait for the river card, and win the hand.

You can’t judge a pokerface

An experienced poker player probably won’t hint what’s in his or her hand when the flop is dealt. But if you look at the player’s feet, according to Joe Navarro’s What Every Body is Saying, it’s easier to tell if he or she is nervous. Active feet are happy. Feet pointed toward the door speak nerves.

Similarly, your date might not reveal true feelings in his or her face. For example, if he or she looks away after you’ve made eye contact, he/she might be shy or simply unprepared. But if his/her feet are turned toward you, chances are there’s interest.

But if you’re a really good pickup artist, you don’t even have to plan a date to get laid. Sometimes, one drink at a bar is enough. Though, if you want beauty and brains, don’t go to dives unless you want to lower your probability for a win.

You know from first hand experience a lot of things you should and shouldn’t do the first time you go out with someone. Of course people do things that you have no control over that they probably need to pull the reins on. These include, but are not limited to, blatantly trying to determine if you’re “marriage material”, get close and cuddly too soon, trying to figure out how much money or debt you have, being self-centered, lying, and complaining.

But this isn’t about what others do. It’s about what you do. So, let’s get started.

Don’t over-think.

Here are a two things that can happen as a result of over-thinking that can ruin a perfectly good potential relationship:

Assuming that one thing your date says means what you think it means. You may want to clarify before you jump off the love boat.

Dwelling on a small detail. Get over it. It’s one little thing amidst a complex being. If you keep doing this you may never get a second date.

Don’t be a coward

Here are some examples of things your date might talk about that you really shouldn’t be scared of:

A health issue.
As long as your date doesn’t go into detail about his or her health problem without you asking about it, and he/she’s not near death, there’s really no reason other than lack of interest not to try a second date – unless you’re a spineless loser.

What he or she wants out of a relationship.
So what if your date doesn’t want to waste time. Don’t make a big deal out of someone stating what he or she wants. Of course there is inappropriate behavior such as crying a lot or having a crazy look in the eyes. That, of course, might be reason to run. In either case, don’t freak out. Just gently let your date know that it’s too soon to discuss those kind of details. As long as a person is matter-of-fact about what he or she wants, talking about relationship hopes is not out of line.

His or her shrink.
A lot of people see therapists. Why should it not a deal-breaker? Really good, deep, emotionally-bonded friendships are not easy to come by. Women and men need to be able to talk about their feelings. Generally therapists are simply people who are paid to listen to our emotional vomit. (Boy, does it feel good afterward.)

Everything in moderation, of course. If your date has a difficult time getting off a topic, like a previous relationship or a childhood story, that’s another issue altogether.

Sometimes people are simply too nervous to be themselves. If you never get nervous, you’re not human. Don’t forget that it’s very easy to put your foot in your mouth or do things you wouldn’t normally do especially when you like someone. Have some grace for cryin’ out loud!

What you can do on a first date

If something your date says bugs you, have the person elaborate. Even if the subject has changed, you can say something like, “I’m sorry, but you mentioned…What exactly did you mean by that?…” This is especially important if you tend to jump to conclusions.

And if you really want a companion and not a one-nighter, don’t try to have sex on the first date. Okay? And if things just get too steamy, well, I hope you both will agree with the outcome.

It’s also okay to call after the date and clarify what was said or to let the person know if you’re not interested. Then you politely say Thank you and Goodbye. Then change your number. Just kidding…mostly.

You drink. Your inhibitions fade away. You find the courage to talk to a pretty girl.

You can’t talk to a girl unless you’re drunk?! You are just about the lamest guy on the planet…Just kidding. Though it is kind of lame.

I have nothing against bars. In fact, I’m sitting in one right now, typing. It’s a great venue for ideas and, as an Extrovert, I get energized from the scene. But I don’t come here seeking romance. If I do find it, I consider it dandy and expect nothing more than a short-lived rendezvous.

Now, if you’re a pickup artist, the bar scene is easy play. However, the majority of you guys aren’t. So, let’s figure out why bars can be good, or why they’re bad.

Every now and then two people will meet at a bar and end up together for the long haul. But that rarely, if ever, is a healthy relationship. (If there are any couples out there who are soulmates in love who met at a bar, not online, send me an email!)

Why bars can be good

Of course, the notoriously common purpose of meeting women at the bar has to do with getting a cheap lay. Unfortunately, these days, thanks to Neil Strauss’ The Game, women are more savvy than before his exposé, so getting validation might be more difficult. Besides, validation by getting laid is just a pathetic cover up for not growing up.

There are other, better reasons to hang out at the bar:

Enjoy the scene.

Loosen your inhibitions.

Get better at talking to strangers.

Even if you don’t drink, you will find that talking to women at bars is still easier because of their loosened inhibitions. Order yourself a sparkling water and speak up.

The other thing to think about are the different kinds of bars. Want a challenge? Hang out at a lesbian bar. That’s especially good practice for learning to respect women. Better yet, find a lesbian buddy. She likes women too, and she can help you with your approach.

Why bars can be bad

If you’re not interested in one-night stands, don’t look for a relationship at a bar. Is an explanation necessary? Alcohol lowers IQ. There.

Some people are narrow-minded enough to think that a bar is the only place to meet the opposite gender. This is sad. Really sad. Go to the park, a gym, a taco joint. Just go somewhere. Anywhere. Women are everywhere! Go shop for a gift for your mom and meet someone at the store. Ask her for her opinion. That’s Pickup 101: Women love to be asked for their opinion (for the most part). And if she asks you why you’re buying your mom a gift, you don’t need a reason other than she’s your mom. I mean, she did carry you in her womb for months, felt the pains of labor, and if she didn’t get her abdomen sliced open, forced your fat head through a narrow channel between her legs. Buy your mom a gift, dammit.

Most importantly, when you look at these strangely enticing and mysterious creatures with balloons on their chests, don’t think about yourself. Don’t think about how she makes you feel or that you don’t know what to say. Think about the possibility that she just might like to get some attention. Ask yourself what you want to know about her, but don’t dwell on the wonder. Speak up. That goes for the non-bar and the bar.