January 8, 2006

Corpse Pride. With the atrocities of the Iraq War claiming several hundred lives each week combined with the growing number of deaths due to extreme natural disasters, it cannot be denied that death is in style. Corpses are going mainstream.

But what use do we have for corpses in our everyday lives? We could tie strings to their limbs and parade them around like marionettes, but that might border on grotesque. There is no denying the overabundance of cemeteries in rural America. The casket industry is a growing at an alarming rate. Do you want your economy being supported by dead people? What if dead people supported your economy?

Black Death. Last week I outlined (with severe brevity, I must admit) the problems of an oil-based economy. It is predicted that within the next thirty years, we will no longer have the energy supplies to accomodate for our demand. Turning to another source of inexpensive, efficient energy will be a very long, difficult transition. Many analyists advocate a combination of biodiesel, ethanol, and wind power to curb our dependency on oil. However, I would like to offer another solution.

The Matrix Was Really Cool. If machines can produce energy from our rotting flesh, what is preventing us from doing the same? I propose that we begin refining human flesh as soon as possible. If we are to fuel the Western war machine, we need a fuel source that will not deplete itself. With the numbers of casualties in our current wars, it would be very economical to put these bodies to good use. What’s more, funerals could be held at the local gas station. Give your grandmother the honor she deserves: Don’t toss her ashes into the ocean; pump her fluids into your Hummer.

The bottom line is that death is here to stay. Why don’t we at least capitalize off of its vast resources?Â Sure, it might seem taboo to send your dead relative to the refinery, but how else are we going to perpetuate our American lifestyles? Genocide is wrong, but if we’re going to do it, let’s wring out the metaphorical washcloth of war and get as much as we can. I invite you to follow these three easy steps: