How to Respond When Your Toddler Says No

Almost
every parent has been there. You are rushing to get out the door and say
sweetly, “Okay, it’s time to put on your shoes!” Your adorable
baby-turned-toddler suddenly screws up her face and stamps her foot. “No!” she
yells loudly and then sticks out her chin, waiting to see just how you will
respond. While a toddler’s “no” is a common parenting conundrum, that doesn’t
make it simple to manage. Today we’re offering some tips to help you when your
toddler says no, and hopefully to help you keep your cool at the moment.

“No” Is Important for Development

While
it’s irritating and frustrating when your toddler says no, this stage is
actually crucial to his brain development. As a child begins to understand the
world around him, he also recognizes that he is a person separate from you.
Along with this realization, he discovers that he can exert his will and change
the world around him. Your toddler is curious about relationships and wants to
test these newfound powers. When your toddler tells you no, it isn’t in the way
that an adult would defy someone. Instead, he is conducting social experiments
to see what happens when he resists you. This is great motivation to remain
calm and loving while also enforcing the boundaries you establish. Once your
toddler realizes that saying no doesn’t make him the boss, he will likely give
up the “no” and move on to another exciting phase.

Empathy Comes First

When
a toddler says no, it may be tempting to immediately enforce your authority.
Unfortunately, this approach frequently encourages toddlers to double-down on
the power struggle and just say “no” louder. Instead of immediately jumping to
enforcement, try empathizing with your child’s point of view. For instance, “I
know that you’re having a lot of fun and are sad to leave the library,” or “I
understand that you don’t want to put on your shoes right now. It’s hard to do
things you don’t want to do.” Acknowledging your child’s perspective often
diffuses the situation. But even if it doesn’t, this way your child knows that
you heard them and understand, which is extremely important for your
connection.

Also,
keep in mind that there are times when it’s okay for your toddler to say “no.” For
example, the word might be a response to questions like, “Can I have a hug?” or,
“Are you hungry?”, or a reaction to being tickled or kissed. In these instances,
it’s important to respect your toddler’s decisions about their body. Other
times when you should take a step back if your child tells you “no” include when
they refuse your help with something. Give your toddler a chance to try getting
dressed on their own or eating by themselves. Allowing a child to attempt new
things and learn from the experience is important to their development.

Help Instead of Threaten

“If
you don’t come right now, then….” We’ve heard phrases like this often, and if
you are a parent, you’ve probably used them in desperate moments. When a child
refuses to comply, parents often feel backed into a corner and begin to
threaten consequences. One very useful tool in the toddler years
is the word “help.” Instead of trying to force your child to do what you desire
through consequences, assume that he isn’t yet able to comply without help.
“Can you come on your own, or do you need help?” Using help as your paradigm
often helps you remain calm because every parent desires to help their child.
And it also assists your child by putting both of you on the same team. Instead
of toddler vs. parent, the situation becomes parent and toddler vs. obstacle.
This team mentality will serve you well throughout your parenting journey.

Teach the “Yes”

There
are very few times in parenting where there isn’t a little room for compromise.
Obviously, if your child is in danger, you want her to answer you immediately.
But at other times, with less important consequences, it can be helpful to
harness your toddler’s new independence and begin teaching positive ways to ask
for compromise. If your toddler says no when you try to transition away from an
activity, try giving her the words to say her desires well. For example, “May I
please push my train around the track one more time?” By showing flexibility
when your child asks politely, you are teaching good lessons about manners,
compromise, the value of her voice. Clearly, compromise is not always an
option. But when it is, your child’s “no” becomes a great opportunity to teach
communication and social skills.

There
is no magic trick that will convince a small child to do what she has decided
not to do. At the same time, when a toddler says no, it is a part of the
amazing growth and change she is undergoing every day. Remember that “no” is
only a phase and won’t last forever. Take a deep breath and try to enjoy the
sweet toddler snuggles and hugs that help balance out the harder parts of this
stage. Are you looking for childcare to help you navigate these difficult parts
of raising small children? Consider Legacy Academy Frisco, where we work to
support the whole family in every way we can. Call or visit today for more
information.

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