11.10.04

Election Cancelled!

I may have mentioned before that I love Andy Borowitz. He's originally from Ohio, thus the Ohio love. ;-) Actually, though, I am aware that people out there DON'T get the love that us swing states have been getting - and as one of the biggest swing states, and one at a statistical tie, we get more love than we can handle. They might as WELL say this - it's what they all MEAN...

With just three weeks to go until Election Day, the Federal Election Commission stunned the political world today by announcing that the election would be cancelled and that a focus group of nine voters in Ohio would pick the nation's next president instead.

The focus group, consisting of four men and five women, are expected to convene every day between now and Nov. 2 with electrodes glued to key regions of their bodies to measure their every response to President George W. Bush and Sen. John Kerry.

While reaction to the FEC's move was mixed, one election official in Florida praised the decision to cancel the vote: "This is kind of a relief, because we tested our new electronic voting machines last week and none of them really worked."

Moments after the FEC's announcement, the two candidates pulled their political ads from every state but Ohio and started tailoring their messages to appeal to the nine all-important focus group members.

At a rally outside the building where the focus group is housed, Sen. Kerry said, "President Bush's policies have helped Halliburton, but they have not helped Janie Darlington of 3562 Glenridge Road."

While the FEC's decision to place so much power in the hands of a focus group is undeniably controversial, one FEC official argued that it is not without precedent: "After all, nine people decided the 2000 election, too."

Elsewhere, Bush strategist Karl Rove hailed the president's performance in the second debate, giving credit to improved radio reception by the bulge in the back of his jacket.