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Freshman Tries Adderall, Totally Loses It

ITHACA, NY – Yesterday, freshman Pre-Law Jacob McPherson sat in Olin 5th floor stacks unassumingly, contemplating taking the single 60 milligram dose of Adderall that he bought on Saturday night from a member of a fraternity on campus. After weighing the pros and cons, McPherson decided to ingest the study drug for the first time, as he had an overdue problem set and a 6 page paper to write.

Twenty minutes after doing so, McPherson experienced an awakening of both mind and body. His suite-mate, Anthony Jones, who accompanied McPherson in the stacks, recalled hearing “strange, animalistic noises” and upon turning around, witnessed McPherson “sweating profusely” and “blinking rapidly – alarmingly so”. Jones also noted that McPherson was “absolutely tweaking” on his laptop, either tapping the keys much too loudly or clicking the mouse in great excess. Passersby have said that McPherson was caught “vigorously spinning his head” whenever another student walked by his desk.

McPherson could not be reached for comment. “I think he’s going to get more” stated Jones.