I was really hoping to find a more light-hearted story to write about for today’s Daily Dickhead, mostly because I miss adding a little satire into my writing. However, I simply cannot ignore the fecal matter being spewed from the mouth of Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum.

If you’re a political junkie like me, you’re probably already aware that the Iowa caucus is on the minds of every 24 hour news station 24 hours a day. In which case, you’re probably also aware that former Senator from Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum, is surging in the polls and quite possibly may end up winning the Iowan Republican caucus later today.

It’d take wayyyyyyyyy too long for me to go down the list of appalling things Santorum has said over the years. Plus, why spend time looking for old soundbites when, in the past few days, Santorum has been nothing but a walking soundbite waiting to happen. However, even for Santorum, he was in rare form yesterday when he not only promised to invalidate all gay marriages should he become President, but he also managed to throw down another racist comment to go with one from early 2011.

Quite a busy 24 hours of hate, dontcha think?

In response to a question from Chuck Todd about what would happen to existing marriages if he signed a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages, Santorum said: “Well, their marriage would be invalid. I think if the constitution says ‘marriage is this,’ then people whose marriage is not consistent with the constitution… I’d love to think there’s another way of doing it.”

In the clip below he keeps talking about marriage being a ‘special’ relationship. And I just don’t get why people think it’s OK to give special privileges to one group of people over another. I know I’m preaching to the choir here, but what on earth is the point of denying people happiness? At the end of the day, does it make these Republicans happy that they’re preventing a specific group of people from having a chance at a loving life with one another?

Next, Santorum decided to make a very off color, blatantly racist comment about black people and government assistance.

He said: “I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money. I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money and provide for themselves and their families.”

*Interesting side note: The amount of white people on government assistance FAR outnumbers the amount of black people.

And now a little history..

While speaking about President Obama’s views on abortion earlier last year, he said: “I find it almost remarkable for a black man to say, ‘No, we are gonna decide who are people and who are not people.’

The Tea Party was allegedly supposed to be comprised of a bunch of people fed up with the ways of Washington who wanted to help enact real financial reform after the Wall Street meltdown of 2008. However, it’s become very clear that Tea Partiers are truly just a rebranded version of the extreme Right Wing of the Republican Party; comprised of evangelical Christians and extreme social conservatives.

Janice Daniels is the Republican mayor of Troy, Michigan; elected just four weeks ago on a platform of ‘Tea Party values.’ She kind of looks like Christine Baranski’s ugly cross-eyed sister, but (unlike many tea partiers) seems to understand how to speak the English language – which is one of the reasons why the following Facebook status she wrote in response to New York state’s legalization of gay marriage in June is extremely offensive:

“I think I am going to throw away my ‘I love New York’ carrying bag now that queers can get married there.”

Yea? Wow, you’re SUCH a diva!

In between overly-applying eye shadow, shopping at Ross’s and fixing the hair helmet on her head, Daniels was interviewed by a local news station about her comments and said:

“I regret having said it. It was inappropriate language that I used to describe a group of people, although I do believe that marriage is between one man and one woman. It was just an inappropriate remark and I apologize for it.”

When asked about her thoughts on gay rights, she said this:

“I think as the mayor of Troy my personal opinions aren’t really of the issue. I don’t think it’s an issue the mayor of Troy needs to address.”

Here’s my issue. If Daniels had made the same comment about ANY other minority, she would’ve been drummed out of office. But because she’s speaking about gay people, it’s ok? She says she doesn’t think gay rights is an ‘issue the mayor of Troy needs to address’ which is basically saying ‘gay people don’t live in Troy’ and it’s not an issue. Was she not elected to represent ALL people?

With all of the news about kids being bullied left and right for being gay, our elected officials NEED to be the ones that come out publicly against incendiary language, i.e., anything derogatory. The only way we’re going to be able to get past the issue of bullying is when ‘adults’ in the room (i.e., government officials, teachers and parents) begin acting like adults and setting the example.

No issue is threatening the moral fiber of our country more than gay marriage. Like you, I live in constant fear of gay couples legally living happy lives together – so much so that I’m scared to leave my home. Well I hate to break it to you, but it looks as though we have even more reasons to be scared than we initially thought.

As I reported a couple of weeks ago, there’s been a huge uptick in the amount of cases reported relating to women marrying objects, such as the Eiffel Tower. Well now the problem has crossed over to males, as men across the nation have been filing licenses to begin marriages to buildings, cars and dogs – which is funny considering I literally saw my next door neighbor gyrating his dick up against the gas tank to his brand new FIAT the other day; while yelling “I love you, Jennifer!”

Yes, according to Buster Wilson from the American Family Association, gay marriage will lead to polyamory.

:::CUE TWILIGHT ZONE MUSIC AGAIN:::

He says: “Polyamory, that’s gonna come out of it. We have talked about people who brought to the forefront their desire to marry—one guy had a desire to marry a building, another one a car, another one his dog. It’s just unbelievable, if you throw off the restraints and you say there’s no Christianity that’s going to guide how we look at this issue as a nation, then anything goes.”

Omg, TOE.TAL.EE.. TOTALLY!

Between the ‘war on Christmas’ and the gay/Muslim takeovers sweeping the nation, Christianity is in SO MUCH TROUBLE of becoming obsolete. And when it does, how are we ever going to survive without its moral compass leading us towards ignorance, bigotry, hatred..and The Republican Party?

I would help you ponder these thoughts longer, but if you’ll excuse me, my mother’s on her way over and I need to propose to her minivan – I’ve been eyeing it for YEARS.

Greg Gutfield is the former host of a Fox News show, whose name doubles as a synonym for butthole, named Redeye – which is ironic considering almost everything that comes out of his mouth sounds like a loud wet fart, as far as I’m concerned.

Greg is now co-host of Fox’s The Five (Assholes), along with a list of people so obnoxious that the mere thought of having to type all of their names is giving me cramps. Or, wait..maybe the 6 tacos I just ate are giving me cramps. Either way, I have cramps, and I’m not going to spend the time typing all of their names.

Those of you who follow politics are probably aware that Rep Barney Frank (D-MA) announced Tuesday that he will not seek re-election in 2012 due to the redistricting of his seat. I, for one, was extremely bummed to hear the news, mostly because Frank has been one of my biggest political inspirations for years, as well as one of the first politicians to come out as openly gay. He’s long been a huge champion for gay rights and a dogged fighter for Wall Street regulation and reform – something that’s caused him to be hated by almost everyone in the Republican Party.

But while I didn’t expect for one second that Fox News would spend any time commemorating the good things Barney Frank had done, I was kind of surprised that someone such as Greg Gutfield would’ve offered such a low blow towards Frank and the gay community in general when he said:

“Can I make a prediction? Where do we see Frank going? I see a memoir in eight months called ‘Being Frank.’ He’ll talk about being gay, struggling with his weight. And then, he’s going to later after that, opening up a bed and breakfast. There won’t be any breakfast, so it will just be beds. It will be highly successful.”

Here’s the thing: I’m sure many people are reading that and thinking ‘What’s the big deal? Why are you so upset?’ I’ll tell you why I’m upset.

There are many jokes I can take – lord, Lisa Lampinelli is one of my favorite comedians. But, whether it’s Tracey Morgan telling me that if I can take a dick in my ass I should be able to take a joke, or it’s Greg Gutfield making veiled references to Barney Frank opening up a brothel, I’m not laughing at all. Why does there always need to be such a huge focus on sex when it comes to gay people? Is it because imagining two men or women having sex is the thing that makes people so uncomfortable that they feel the need to say bigoted things? I’m not for a minute saying that either one of the things Morgan or Gutfield said were bigoted per se, but they represent a huge part of the problem and one that leads to bigotry, in my opinion.

The counter argument I always hear when someone wonders why it always has to be about sex with gay people, is that gay people always make it about sex. Well, guess what? The reason that gay people always make it about sex is because our loving relationships aren’t recognized by our government as legal. We focus on sex because you’ve made it impossible for us to focus on the same things everybody else does, i.e., love!

Until gay people are recognized equally under the law as anything other than 1st class citizens just like everyone else, it’s officially not acceptable to make gay jokes related to sex unless you’re a gay person or one of my friends. Sorry.

About Fred Hystere

The goal of this website is to expose you to new and old music; and make you laugh along the way. My sense of humor and ear for music are my gifts to you. No matter how much your life sucks, you still have the ability to laugh. So, screw it – let’s laugh together every day on this site!

If you want music, you’ll find it everywhere on this site. If you want to laugh, go to the Daily Fred section and read all of my silly observations about life, people, and politicians. [Read more...]