Rick Warren: "We're all fat."

"On that particular day, I was baptizing 858 people," Warren told his congregation last fall. "That took me literally four hours."

"As I'm baptizing 858 people, along around 500, I thought this ... 'We're all fat.' "

Of course, since he's Rick Warren, he sees this as an opportunity for spiritual and community growth. He calls in a couple contributors and one Dr. All-Star to form the supporting cast:

Warren recruited three doctors to develop the plan: Daniel Amen[!!! -ed.], a psychiatrist; Mark Hyman, a family doctor; and Mehmet Oz, a TV host and cardiac surgeon.

Add a few hilarious, if slightly puerile, pull quotes:

"The secret sauce of Saddleback is we do this as a community," said Amen, one of the medical contributors. "It's very different than most health plans where you do it with yourself or your wife. You get to do this with a whole community."

And I think we've basically got a story for next week's issue. If anything, the article needs a better closing paragraph. I mean, The Onion would never resort to something this cheesy and formulaic:

Warren often repeats the same phrases when discussing the Daniel Plan. "The Father made your body, Jesus paid for your body, the Spirit lives in your body. You better take care of it."