A sister of an addict wrote to me: My brother has been in and out of rehab for years. Mom constantly believed his lies. She’d send him money, bail him out, and let him live at home. He has alienated all of us siblings. He has a son, grandchildren, and he had such a good life in front of him. No matter how hard we tried and what we did, he just refuses to believe he has a problem. I try to help, but I don’t know what to do to help anyone anymore, especially my parents. It’s breaking my heart.

My reflection: Siblings often find themselves in the difficult space between their brother or sister and their parents. Loyalties are smashed, love is questioned, and chaos reigns.

Today’s Promise to consider: All family members suffer when addiction enters the home, but siblings are thrust into an especially conflicted place. They might be asked to be arbitrator, counselor, spy, anchor, or player in the drama, then at other times they are left to the side, in confusion. They love their brother or sister, but loathe the damage the addiction does to family. Today, I will listen to my non-addicted children. I will reach out and support them.

During the homily at Easter Sunday Mass, Father Scott said, “Love makes the difference.” He talked about faith, hope and love, and wanted us to hear the message that, even as Jesus confronted death, it was His love for us that made the difference.

My reflection: Father Scott’s words reminded me that with my own children it was love that made the difference when we faced addiction. Love couldn’t save my son his fourteen-year journey and love couldn’t save my younger son the suffering that addiction spew, but in the end it was love that made the difference in helping us stay close and begin to heal.

Today’s Promise to consider: Through all the trauma that addiction brings, we parents make some good decisions and some others that might not be the best. Through it all, the most important part is that our children know we love them. Today, I’ll continue to love my child who is alive and under the drugs. I’ll stay close, but out of the chaos of his addiction.

A sister of an addict wrote to me: My heart bleeds for my mother. My brother’s addiction, his emotional battles, problems, and heartache hurt her terribly. Mom needs to know that she’s not alone. She needs to find her hope again. This has been her life’s battle. I wish I could bottle the son she once had and give him back to her. God knows I’ve tried, but sadly I’m not magic. There is nothing more than I want for her but for her to have her son back. And for me to have my brother back.

My reflection: Addiction is a family disease, and we all suffer. My younger son, Jeremy, once told me, “I tried my best to help take care of Jeff, but I was powerless. Jeff was like Superman with kryptonite around his neck.”

Today’s Promise: As the mother of an addicted child, I have the responsibility to take care of all my children. I will tell them that the addiction is not their fault, or their responsibility. No one can fix it, except the addict. We are powerless in the face of addiction. Today, I will listen to their concerns with love and support. Today I will be present for the important people in my life.

This is part of a series of monthly posts that reference many conversations with Dr. MacAfee. Thanks, Doc.

A dear friend of mine and Dr MacAfee’s told me: Dr MacAfee often reminded me of the importance of taking time for self care and time to nurture myself so that I could deal with everything going on within the family and still be true to myself. Addiction, he told me, is a family disease. As a mother, I tried to shoulder the load of destruction that addiction brought within my family. Addiction affects everyone in the family in different ways for years to come.

My reflection: Addiction takes over the family and leaves no hostages. It’s relentless in its hunger to destroy everyone. When Jeff was in active addiction, I tried to protect my family, but it was impossible. Addiction was far stronger than I was strong.

Today’s Promise to consider: Compassion defined Dr. MacAfee. He had compassion for the addict and for the family. He helped me to learn how to Stay Close, but out of the chaos as I continued to love my suffering child. He taught me that self preservation wasn’t selfish, but essential.

The sister of a brother, who died of addiction, wrote to me: We lost our brother to a drug overdose at the age of 50. We went though a lot and we always thought he was better and clean. Our parents died years ago and they did everything possible to help him. They lived a frugal existence because they could never deny him help. Do you call that enabling? I don’t know anymore. It was a long, long struggle and now my brother is at peace.

My reflection: What is enabling and what does it look like in a family? We parents see things one way and the siblings see things differently. I don’t believe there are definitive answers, but I think communication and learning are critical. We need to work to keep communication open among all family members and try to understand genuinely their pain. In the end, we must make the decisions that we think are best for our child. As Terry Gorski says, “Society gives us no rules when dealing with addiction.”

Today’s Promise to consider: I will respect the feelings of all the members of my family and try to recognize their points of view. Today, I will listen to their concerns calmly and not become defensive. I will admit that I don’t have all the answers and will explain that I am trying to do what I think is right.

A friend, whose brother is in recovery, wrote to me: We are living on a roller coaster with my brother. After two years of rehab, we see very little progress with him compared to other guys who started the program at the same time. Recently, I read a quote by Kurt Vonnegut that made a difference to me, “I am a human being, not a human doing.” It went straight to my heart and my mind as I thought about my brother’s addiction. We are all humans in an ongoing process of learning and failure. We aren’t our achievements and above all, our life is almost never linear.

My reflection: It’s easy to blame the addict for his failures, since his actions affect so many people. But the human condition is one of living and learning and making mistakes along the way. The prayer is that we learn from them and move toward health.

Today’s Promise to consider: Throughout the course of Jeff’s fourteen-year addiction, the keyword for me became compassion. Many days, compassion was impossible to muster, but as Kurt Vonnegut’s quote tells us, we are human beings – in our victories and in our failings. Today, I accept that I am human and so is my son.

A dad wrote to me, Fixing a child’s problems very seldom if ever works. Life is not really different from addiction. If a child never suffers consequences he/she never learns how to make better decisions. If we remove the consequence, we encourage the negative behavior because there is no negative effect to their action.

My response: This dad’s words ring true in a clear and direct way. He expands the idea of enabling out of addiction and into life. I think he’s correct. We all learn from the natural consequences of our actions.

Today’s Promise to consider: Helping a child grow into a mature adult requires him to face the logical and natural results of his actions. Whether I am dealing with an addiction or not, I will love my child and stay close emotionally. I will support his good choices and allow him to confront the consequences of the negative experiences.

An Italian college student, who lives in Rome, wrote to me. She is the sister of an addict: I want to share with you a poem I love. I’ve read it many times and each time I hope my brother, too, will arrive at the “Fifth Chapter.”

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters, by Portia Nelson

I: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

II: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place, but it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

III: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

V: I walk down another street.

My thoughts: We are responsible for making the choice to get ourselves out of the hole of addiction or despair. No one can make this decision for us. It is a singular and personal choice.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today I will fortify myself by joining hands with others. I will break the bonds of isolation and fear that feed addiction. I’ll reach out my hand, pray and continue to believe. I will walk down another street.

A mom wrote to me:Yesterday was an unimaginable horror. It’s difficult to forget the constant thrumming in the background of the horrific school shooting in Connecticut. How does a parent mourn the killing of his or her child; how does a nation mourn the killing of twenty little children and six adults?

Today I will stop and offer prayers. I will honor, in some way, the twenty baby lives and six adult lives lost. This tremendous suffering is impossible to hold and I find it hard to breathe. There are no words sufficient to wrap my head and heart around the overwhelming grief. There are no words to ease the pain.

A recovering addict wrote to me: Addiction seems to be the epidemic of our world today destroying not only the addict, but also everyone around him. I read about Jeremy’s pain and frustration, and see my little brother’s hurt and inner battle. But the message is still hope. We are not alone. Ironic that a disease that is afflicting millions of people is a disease that isolates us. It does this because the one true defense, the true power against addiction, is standing together, walking together and holding each other as we trip and stumble.

My thought: These words strike me as true. Dr. MacAfee says it another way, “Only by taking addiction out of the darkness where it does its best work and into the light can it be healed.” Addiction thrives by isolating the addict and his family. If the addict keeps the secret, he keeps the addiction. Only by standing together in honesty, holding hands and working together, can we fight this disease.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will not keep the secret of addiction. I will not isolate myself in shame, stigma and silence. I will fight against addiction for my loved one and myself.