Local

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.

WARWICK, RI—Saying it wished it had touched down to rest its wings somewhere a bit less visible, a local bird told reporters Tuesday that it wouldn’t have landed on a ledge had it known everyone would make it into a whole big thing.

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

ANN ARBOR, MI—Groaning upon spotting the image on his Facebook newsfeed, local man Peter Grant was reluctantly forced to agree with an absolutely moronic political cartoon Tuesday in which the Statue of Liberty was depicted hugging several immigrants.

OAK PARK, IL—Saying he hoped the revelation wouldn’t dampen their enthusiasm for the house, realtor Bill Cylkowski informed a couple of potential buyers Thursday that he was obligated to tell them about the murder currently happening in the basement.

MADISON, WI—Wheels kicking up dust as her car peeled out of the driveway, local grandmother Delores Hanson jumped into her 2005 Buick Lesabre for an emergency birdseed run, sources confirmed Wednesday.

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

CHARLOTTE, NC—Calling the woman perfectly suited to bear the brunt of her pre-wedding psychosis, bride-to-be Emily Cervantes said on Thursday that she specifically picked her maid of honor Jessica Cross for her ability to take an emotional beating.

LOS ANGELES—Maintaining her complete dedication to the comfort and happiness of the teenager who just threw a sweater at her face, local mom Julie Macon reportedly continued to give unconditional love on Thursday to her daughter Kara, who just called her a bitch in the middle of a local Hollister.

KANSAS CITY, MO—Her family excitedly predicting her future with every adorable display, sources reported Monday that local toddler Olivia Copley is at that cute age where anything can be projected onto her.

NASHVILLE, TN—Noting that the small detail was crucial for creating her ideal fairy-tale wedding, 30-year-old bride Anna Reed confirmed Thursday that she had always dreamed about making her fiancé’s friends sweat their goddamn asses off in the fucking sun.

BROOKLYN, NY—Assuring him that the food wasn’t any different than what he was used to, 26-year-old Brendan Aaker reportedly explained that “flatbread means pizza” to his visiting father while dining at a neighborhood restaurant on Thursday.

CANTON, IL—Complaining that their ignorance of their very own beliefs has annoyed him for most of his life, local man Arthur Brody told reporters Wednesday that he was sick of having to explain his family members’ political views to them.

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

CARLISLE, PA—Awed at the endless possibilities before him, Dickinson College freshman Andrew Glenn reportedly experienced his first tantalizing taste of freedom Monday while waiting in line at the dining hall burrito station as his parents scoped out a place to sit.

ST. PAUL, MN—Explaining how the string of personal insults and sharply worded accusations caused him to reevaluate every one of his political leanings, former conservative Vincent Welsh recalled for reporters Friday the belittling tirade from a college student that brought him over to the left.

SHOW LOW, AZ—Describing him as a family man who always has a smile on his face, sources within the Show Low Police Department confirmed that Dominic Pierce, an affable detective with a rich personal life, hasn’t solved a case in months.

Uncle Greg To Attempt Comeback At Family Barbecue

Not to be outdone by Uncle Brian or Susan's fiancé, Chris, Greg has already picked up fireworks for the kids.

Not to be outdone by Uncle Brian or Susan's fiancé, Chris, Greg has already picked up fireworks for the kids.

BATON ROUGE, LA—Announcing his controversial return to family life, local resident Uncle Greg told reporters Monday he will attempt to make his long-awaited comeback during a family barbecue in a relative's backyard next month.

Once a mainstay of holiday get-togethers, the 39-year-old uncle has long been written off by those who said he could never recover from a decade of strained relationships, social gaffes, and severed familial connections.

"It's official—I'm back," said Uncle Greg, outlining plans to attend his first major family function in nearly three years. "All my hard work the past few months has been leading up to this: holding down a job, easing up on the booze a bit, getting myself a decent haircut. And at 12:30 p.m. on Saturday, Aug. 7, all the naysayers will be silenced when they see the new Uncle Greg in top form."

According to the three-time college dropout, the upcoming barbecue is ideal for staging his return, partly because it will take place on friendly turf, with Cousin Dan, one of the few relations who's stood by him through every slump, serving as host. The gathering is also expected to be pretty low-key, since it falls during a lull in the family's summertime schedule, a month after the big reunion on July 4 but weeks before the special Labor Day celebration planned for Grandpa Jim and Grandma Joan's 60th anniversary.

"Obviously, I'd be stupid to try and pull this off during a First Communion or a Thanksgiving dinner or something," Uncle Greg said. "But I figure at Dan's place I can just walk in, ask him if he needs any help with the grill, and, when he says no, stake out a neutral spot for myself at one of the picnic tables."

"Plus, Shelley and Rod will be out of town," he continued. "So that should be a big help."

Though he wouldn't disclose his entire strategy, Greg did reveal that he plans to drink only one or two beers tops, avoid the topic of politics altogether, and smile and remain polite to Cheryl, no matter "how big of a bitch" she might be.

While his performance the past few years has been spotty, Uncle Greg enjoyed a long stint of popularity during his mid-20s, when his practice of sitting at the kids' table and teaching Dave and Linda's dog Frisky to drink Pepsi earned him the title of "favorite uncle."

Sources agree that Uncle Greg peaked in 1999, and that a long string of ugly incidents since then—including Aunt Margaret's birthday party, during which he made an unfortunate joke about her spinsterhood, and the picnic at the lake to which he brought his best friend Bobby, who kept hitting on a 16-year-old niece—has all but cemented his role as the family's black sheep.

"He's really giving it his all," said Uncle Greg's wife, Jeanie, who believes this comeback will be a success despite the failure of a similar attempt a few Thanksgivings ago. "This time he's serious. And I can tell he's trying extra hard because he asked me to buy him a new T-shirt for the occasion, and to make a pan of my chocolate-chip bread pudding so he can walk in carrying something."

Added Jeanie, "He even told me he wasn't going to challenge anyone to an arm- wrestling match the whole time."

Many relatives remain skeptical of Uncle Greg's ability to recapture his former glory.Sister-in-Law Cheryl went so far as to doubt the sincerity of the entire project.

"What is this, comeback No. 7?" Cheryl said. "Greg tries to pull this shit whenever he needs money and realizes no one is going to give him any if he keeps acting like an ass. His best bet is to make a fresh start with the nieces and nephews who are too young to remember the guy who ruined Christmas with a goddamn DWI. Twice."

Uncle Greg told reporters he preferred to keep a positive outlook, because "this is family and you have to let bygones be bygones, even though [Brother-in-Law] Michael will probably never let you dog-sit again."

Greg also confirmed he was memorizing the names of those who weren't born the last time he attended a family gathering, or "who packed on a shit-ton of weight recently like Aunt Roberta."

"This family needs me and I'm going to make them realize that once and for all," Uncle Greg said. "This barbecue is going to change everything."

"Especially after I tell Mom and Dad about crashing their truck over the weekend," he added.

LOS ANGELES—Maintaining her complete dedication to the comfort and happiness of the teenager who just threw a sweater at her face, local mom Julie Macon reportedly continued to give unconditional love on Thursday to her daughter Kara, who just called her a bitch in the middle of a local Hollister.

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.