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Don't Control, Enroll

It is often very traumatic for us to realize we do not have the power to control others' thoughts, feelings, or behavior. Many of us spend enormous amounts of time and energy worrying about what others think, as if our worry could alter their thinking or opinions. Worse yet, we modify our behavior, sometimes our entire lifestyles, in anticipation of how others will respond...as if our behavior had the power to change the chosen response of anyone else.
During this year of political turmoil (called "campaigning"), many politicians believe that attacking their opponents with hateful and fearful rhetoric, they will win the votes of their constituencies. They believe that if they point out all the faults and weaknesses of the other politicians, they will hide their own. It's like trying to sell a white horse by pointing out the faults of a black one. That sales pitch rarely sells any horses.

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Don't Control, Enroll

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.
2:16 p.m. MDT July 8, 2014

It is often very traumatic for us to realize we do not have the power to control others' thoughts, feelings, or behavior. Many of us spend enormous amounts of time and energy worrying about what others think, as if our worry could alter their thinking or opinions. Worse yet, we modify our behavior, sometimes our entire lifestyles, in anticipation of how others will respond...as if our behavior had the power to change the chosen response of anyone else.(Photo: Wavebreakmedia Ltd Getty Images/Wavebreak Media)

It is often very traumatic for us to realize we do not have the power to control others' thoughts, feelings, or behavior. Many of us spend enormous amounts of time and energy worrying about what others think, as if our worry could alter their thinking or opinions. Worse yet, we modify our behavior, sometimes our entire lifestyles, in anticipation of how others will respond...as if our behavior had the power to change the chosen response of anyone else.

During this year of political turmoil (called "campaigning"), many politicians believe that attacking their opponents with hateful and fearful rhetoric, they will win the votes of their constituencies. They believe that if they point out all the faults and weaknesses of the other politicians, they will hide their own. It's like trying to sell a white horse by pointing out the faults of a black one. That sales pitch rarely sells any horses.

Even people having difficulties within their relationships often behave as if they could control the behavior of others by intimidation, anger, fear mongering, or attack. Couples experiencing problems in their relationship, have a difficult time grasping the concept that there is nothing they can think, do or say, that will change their partner's thinking, or their feelings or their actions. They think, "If only I do (or say) this, then s/he will change." Let's face it. The only person you have any power to change is you. You have no control over others, unless they allow it.

If we finally accept our helplessness to change another by our own behavior, what do you think would happen in our process of electing our governing officials? If we cannot control others, how can we get anyone to do what we want them to do? We can invite them. We can ask them. We can enroll them. We can never control them unless they allow us to do so.

How do we "enroll" others? We do so by being true to ourselves and sharing that with others. B.C. Forbes answers that question with this response:

"Your success depends upon you. You have to steer your own course. You have to do your own thinking. You must make your own decisions. You have to solve your own problems. Your character is your handiwork. You have to write your own record. You have to build your own monument---or dig your own pit. Which are you doing?"

Over 2,000 years ago, a Greek philosopher, Pericles, said, "The secret of happiness is freedom, and the secret of freedom is courage."

Much later, philosopher, Anatole France, wrote, "The rarest courage is the courage of thought." As voters in a democracy, we must develop the courage of thinking for ourselves and not allow candidates to control our personal thoughts and opinions. That is what "freedom" is all about. Exercise that freedom and you most likely will enroll others.

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Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and Licensed Psychologist. He is available for coaching in any area presented in "Practical Life Coaching" (formerly "Practical Psychology"). Initial coaching sessions are free. Contact him: (970) 568-0173 or E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

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