Saturday, 10 March 2012

My thoughts: Day 13 of depressive episode; where I’m at.

Well as the title says this is day 13
and the all too familiar symptoms have shown up and announced their
intentions to stay for a while. My appetite is down, I don't feel
like eating a lot of the time and when I do eat I don't enjoy it my
stomach feels as though it is twisted most of the time, this is part
of the nauseated feeling that I cannot shake.

The appetite and nauseated feeling is
merely a part of the anxiety that accompanies the depression the two
of them feeding off each other. Often the anxiety is suppressed by
anger, any hint of it I get angry and seek to focus this on something
or someone just to forget I’m anxious, I’m scared as something
bad is going to happen to me or to someone I care about.

Without the anger to suppress the
anxiety I am nothing more than a frightened child, confrontation of
any kind is to be avoided at all costs as I feel weak and vulnerable,
at the worst I am paralysed by it all.

Thankfully as long as I get to relax in
a reasonably quiet environment I can keep everything under control,
so at the moment I am hiding from the real world as I cannot stand
being around people I can't relax and I get very agitated.

For the time being the worst part is
knowing the worst of this episode is yet to come, when it becomes
severe getting off the sofa or getting out of bed will take a lot of
willpower, especially when during those waking moments I feel as
though this is the day I will not survive and I have no desire to do
so.

Ironically, despite my suicidal
ideation being very high during the severe bout it will be the severe bit that prevents any suicide attempt as I simply won't have
the energy to try, I won't even have the energy to write a suicide
letter, instead I’ll be curled up in a ball for hours on end
wishing to go back to sleep in the hope I won't wake up again or
wishing for a heart attack to kill me.

Based on previous experience it will be
a month or so before I descend into it unless something happens
before then that is particularly stressful which could very well
accelerate this episode.