Meeting the "scary" dudes...

This is not a thread where I am asking for advice.... instead I want to give some to you fellas.

I am often the biggest guy in the room/bar at gay functions. And I stand alone... in the corner. When I try to talk to someone, because I am not shy, they usually get nervous and try to get away. I am not the most secure guy around so I just assume they are brushing me off. And so I pretend to text to make up for not having anyone around. This doesn't happen in Charlotte, where enough people know me, but when I travel it is very common.

It was really bad this weekend on a trip. So I started asking the men I know why I couldn't get anyone's attention, why I always failed when traveling. The overwhelmingly the answer, from about a billion gay guys, was "You are intimidating."

I didn't know what that meant, so I started asking questions, and basically it means that my look is intense and I look mean, like I would not be friendly. "You look like you might be a douche to people." I was told tonight, by two different guys, who dont know each other, "Mike, you look scary"

I am starting some counseling tomorrow to deal with this problem. I hate being seperate from everyone. I dont want to be apart and watch everyone else have fun and connect. I dont train to look a certain way... I just love lifting weights... a lot of it is genetic. It is so much a part of me. But being recently out, I didn't know that I was causing people to stay away from me. I just thought nobody liked me.

So, when you go to a bar and you see that guy who is standing alone and he is pretending to text, or sipping his drink... even if you are anxious, go talk to him. When I heard that people are scared of me, thought I would be mean, I have to admit i started to cry. That isn't me. I am not that guy. I want to be a kind person. And so does that guy in the corner. If he is a dick to you, then stroll on. But it may be that he is lonely and really wants someone to come be nice to him.

Damn I would have no hesitation talking to you. I always found big guys easy to talk too for that reason, they often stand there alone looking hard arsed, when in actual fact they are super sweet.Big hug for you, you big spunk.

"When I heard that people are scared of me, thought I would be mean, I have to admit i started to cry. That isn't me. I am not that guy. I want to be a kind person." Good god..you caught me completely off guard and I'm not ashamed to say I teared up.

You ARE a kind person. I think very much so.

You remind me of a fellow back in the 70's , Eric. He was built just like you and you remind me of him. I was very intimidated because I didn't think he'd want anything to do with skinny me, and I was terrified if I said something he'd scowl at me. One day a friend saw me standing near him at a party and said, "This is Eric; he's really mean." and I blushed hard enough to burst and tried being part of the paint on the wall, lol. He looked at me and grinned a sharky sexy kind of grin and said. 'I'm not". I think I floated all the way home. We never did go out ( though I wished for it) but became friends and I realized we were the same inside where it counted.

I wouldn't say these types of guys are scary or intimidating. If I see a really built and/or good looking guy, I generally assume he's taken. So I tend to leave those guys alone. I probably shouldn't assume any more, because I would gladly talk to ya Mike.

I can honestly say I know how you feel. Do you start the conversation or you wait for ppl to come talk to you? I guess I assume I'm too intimidating for others to come to me and I'm shy so I'm the Guy on his phone sipping his drink in the corner waiting for his friends to come back. You are not alone.

Can I tell you something? Your friends are full of shit. You look very approachable. I see you and I just want to grab you and kiss you. You are a handsome stud and you don't look intimidating or mean. I'm sure you only like other jocks and would probably not be interested in someone like me, but I'd sure hell give it a try.

At 6'7"/290 I have a mixed reaction to my presence. Last few times I went to the one gay bar in town that would take my underaged ass, I received no attention, I was wanted by a fat guy with a fan (A JAPANESE FAN? SERIOUSLY?!!?) while I talked to a hot chick and the last time I got hit on by every person in the room and I made out with another girl (I'm bi for the record), respectively. I understand where you're coming from.

that is so well-said, and it took a great deal of courage to admit that. thanks for the reminder. i wonder if all of us gay guys come from a background where we were bullied or intimidated, and carry that negative experience with us throughout life, projecting that fear onto others who we feel fits that archetype? i suspect that gay guys often flock in groups (safety in numbers) and in doing so, replicate the impenetrable cliques which we all found so exclusive and intimidating in our youth.

maybe you don't need a counsellor, but more of a stylist friend to help you soften the look, possibly with a shave or a different haircut? i dunno, i'm just throwing ideas out there.

good luck. i think the awareness you have now (after your informal poll) will probably do a world of good the next time you're out. i always have to remind myself to smile more and make eye contact. its more difficult than it seems, but it does put people at ease, compared with standing in the corner checking out guys stone-faced and not talking to anyone - which is what i usually do when i think i'm being casual!

This is truth. Expanding outside of the gay community, when I pledged to my second fraternity, as I got to know this group of guys, I noticed that there were major daddy issues within said frat. I didn't want to be part of that.

But take a good hard look at your profile pictures. You're scowling in most of them, and not a friendly "I don't mean it" scowl. it's more of a "I'm going to rip your head off and stuff it down your neck" kind of scowl.

But take a good hard look at your profile pictures. You're scowling in most of them, and not a friendly "I don't mean it" scowl. it's more of a "I'm going to rip your head off and stuff it down your neck" kind of scowl.

Smiling is a must! I use a sexy grin/smile;) and it works wonders for me now...also 'sense of humor' very important!

Aww, yeah you do seem like the guy who would be intimidating, though if you started talking I'd go with it not try to uhh run away. Reminds me of the guy at the gym, around the time I first started going, when I knew well nothing, really big muscular guy came to me and started giving me tips, which really helped and we talked for a while. Never saw that guy again, he was quite hot....but yeah! thanks for the advice =)

But take a good hard look at your profile pictures. You're scowling in most of them, and not a friendly "I don't mean it" scowl. it's more of a "I'm going to rip your head off and stuff it down your neck" kind of scowl.

Smiling is a must! I use a sexy grin/smile;) and it works wonders for me now...also 'sense of humor' very important!

Not going to lie, but last time I went out, I wore guyliner and I got hit on by everybody. Even lesbians.

But take a good hard look at your profile pictures. You're scowling in most of them, and not a friendly "I don't mean it" scowl. it's more of a "I'm going to rip your head off and stuff it down your neck" kind of scowl.

Smiling is a must! I use a sexy grin/smile;) and it works wonders for me now...also 'sense of humor' very important!

Not going to lie, but last time I went out, I wore guyliner and I got hit on by everybody. Even lesbians.

Wait... You what?

I had the cajones to wear eyeliner and EVERYBODY hit on me. You read that right.

But take a good hard look at your profile pictures. You're scowling in most of them, and not a friendly "I don't mean it" scowl. it's more of a "I'm going to rip your head off and stuff it down your neck" kind of scowl.

Smiling is a must! I use a sexy grin/smile;) and it works wonders for me now...also 'sense of humor' very important!

Not going to lie, but last time I went out, I wore guyliner and I got hit on by everybody. Even lesbians.

Wait... You what?

I had the cajones to wear eyeliner and EVERYBODY hit on me. You read that right.

Haha, that's awesome. In school I had a girlfriend who used to dress me up in guyliner and punk clothes and take me dancing at live music clubs. In public I jokingly still "blame" her for it but in reality I loved how such a little thing seemed so transgressive.

First and foremost, most guys are afraid of rejection assuming they are out of your league (feelings of inadequacy).

Second, we often do not realize how we appear to others especially at the club/bar. Give off those positive signals (smile, groove to the music, say 'hi', nod, make eye contact...while smiling, make small talk at the bar) and you'll find others will be drawn to you.

Third, consider the venue. In the right venue your bigness and hard look would be a sure attractant, but those guys/places may not be to your liking!

You will now deal with people who misinterpret your friendliness as interest of a more romantic or sexual nature! Come back and update us and let us know if any of our advice worked.

Me, I would talk to you in a heartbeat, but I've just moved to India, so that won't happen anytime soon.

I have a new perspective.It is nice to see a "big bruiser" with a sensitive side. It is hard to feel like you aren't connecting. People are superficial, and our look may say more than we know. If I had seen you in a bar I might have thought...MMA, wrestler..."The Mangler", bodybuilder, football player...big, tough guy. I suppose if I had gone into a bar and seen a guy dressed in denim, leather chaps, ponytail, tats, scraggly beard, I might think "Biker, boozer, brawler." It's a shame people think that way, but we do.

Thanks for letting us know your experience, and I will always keep it in mind. Now...if I could just get past my fear of rejection.