Tuesday, March 08, 2011

You Just Got Caught Fuckin’ Day!

Tonight is your anniversary and you and your husband are going to go to a hotel and have sex for the first time in five months. You’ve been terrified of having to have sex tonight. After so long, you worried that if the passion wasn’t there, it would confirm what you’ve been suspecting for over decade: that you married the wrong man.

You’ll be nervous while eating the room service dinner, both of you making chit-chat about work and the kids and the design of the hotel lobby. Each bite will feel like a turn of the arms on a countdown clock. As soon as you finish your dinner, you’ll have to rise from the table, kiss, then move to the bed. How on earth could that possibly happen?

“I had an affair in 2002,” your husband will say suddenly. “I’m sorry.”

It will feel like the room flipped through the air and sent you flying to the roof. You’ll be unsure of whether to scream, to throw a drink in his face, or what. Finally, you’ll settle on saying the following: “I had an affair in 2005.”

Your husband will ask, “Do you think about him a lot?”

Say, “No. I think about you a lot.”

You and your husband will rise from the table and move to the bed while kissing, you’ll move like water down a stream bed, fluid and perfect. In that bed, you’ll transform, you’ll know that a new wonderful stage of your marriage has begun. You won’t feel the passion you felt when you first met. You won’t feel the love you felt when you first married. You’ll feel something altogether new, and mature, and honest. You’ll feel like you and your husband possess a secret that could topple the world.

While he’s in inside of you, a panel will open in the ceiling and a TV monitor will drop from the ceiling. On the TV will be TV personality Larry Crowne. He’ll be standing in front of a studio audience and he’ll announce, “You two just got caught fuckin’!”

The door to your room will open and several dwarves will run into the room to present you with a check for $25,000. On the monitor, Larry will play back some of the footage of your sex act and the studio audience will laugh when they’re supposed to, and go awww when they’re supposed to. “Looks like you two really jumpstarted the old marriage engine tonight,"Larry will say. "Whatcha gonna do with all that money?”

You and your husband will say it at the same time. “We’ve always wanted to go to Paris!”