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Monday, November 8, 2010

Day 20- 30) Want to finish this.

Somehow my daily blog post numbering got off. I usually blog at weird times so I must have been really tired, haha.

Today is A hobby of mine and how it has changed since my loss. Well, a hobby of mine pre-pregnancy was running. I ran all the time. I loved running outside and pushing myself to go further and further each time. Before getting married I would run to Lucas' house from my house which is about 7 miles, a couple times a week, and usually around 2-3 miles the other days.

While pregnant I was SO excited for a time when I could go running again, pushing my little runners stroller with me. I could not WAIT to recover after my surgeries and get on the pavement again.

But things aren't always what you think they will be.

I did go running a few times since, and loved it. But I find my motivation is hardly there. I lost all my baby weight in about a month and half, and though I'm jiggly in different places I weigh a little less than I did before getting pregnant. However, I miss the running. I miss the time to just get lost in my music and my thoughts and to challenge myself to push my body harder than it wants to.

Losing Molly has made me want to hide inside more than anything else. Other than going to work, I have not had much motivation to go outside and do anything. I haven't wanted to spend any money, or go out and exercise at all. I just want to sit at home and clean the house or sleep or make Molly's book, blog, or just wait out another day. Each day brings me one day closer to a time when Lucas and I will be able to see her again, and sometimes getting through a day, at watching the clock is about all I have the will to do.

It's getting better, though.

___________________________________________________________________________________I am getting really sick of this 30 day writing challenge. I Think I'll just finish it now so I can get back to my regular blogging.___________________________________________________________________________________Day 21) A recipe

I love lettuce wraps from P.F. Changs and have always wanted to make them. So one day I went through our food and went and picked up random stuff I thought would be good in them and made these and am now OBSESSED with them.

Lucas gets no comfort online. He isn't much of a computer person. But I submitted my story to the face of loss; faces of hope website, and spent time on there reading the stories of many many strong women who have lost children, miscarried, had stillborn children, and children who have died from SIDS. It helps you to not feel so alone.

This is the same story that was on my blog, but this will take you to the site

This seems like a big task at 3:30 am. But, I really want to finish this challenge thing.

I woke up Lucas got me up from around 8:00 to about 8:20 when I finally rolled out of bed. I usually get up much easier than that, but Sundays I am usually SO comfy and tired in my bed and just dont want to start another week. But up I got.

I asked Lucas what time it was. "8:30"I panic as I realize it's Sunday and church starts at 9:00 and I seriously need a shower. I quickly pet Moose and hop in the shower, where I fall asleep standing up. Couldn't have been long because I wash up and get out of the shower, brush, blowdry and "style" my hair, put on most of my makeup and when I ask Lucas how long I have he says "5 minutes". So I rush to the room put on some clothes, grab my mascara, put on my shoes, and get to the door. I say goodbye to Moose and off we go (We can leave him home now without always coming home to poop on the floor! yay!)

We drive 5 minutes to church, where he goes right in to Elders quorum and I go to Relief Society. I walk into class and sit down, Look around at everyone's cute clothes, sing an opening song, whisper greetings to my neighbor who sits down next to me, listen to a lesson about being more aware of that one person, the one who needs our help. Learn how to not be judgemental, and to always be willing to go out of or way to serve. I think the whole time about the wonderful people who noticed us, and served us, and loved us, and continue to do so. I decide to take a book and card and love over to another family in the ward who recently lost their baby. We listen to some women share their testimonies of the gospel, and then sing a closing song, listen to the closing prayer, and then R.S. is over.

I get up and find the Relief Society president to thank her for calling me last week and say sorry for never calling her back (I'm really bad about that) I tell her I would love if they could visit me sometime after church or tonight. She says she will let me know. :)

Lucas comes into the room with all them men on a wife hunt. He spots me and comes over to where I am and we sit down in the front row and wait for class to start. I tell him I think our neighbor is beautiful. He agrees. I want her hair. The lesson starts and we sing a quick son, say opening prayer, and the Bishops wife begins the lesson. Its about Mothers. (I tell you, church is always the hardest time) The lesson is awesome, but people get really into it and share all their comments about how wonderful it is to hold your child, and know that you can keep them safe. They talk about how great it is to feel your daughter wrap her arms around your neck and know she is yours. I cry. I cried pretty hard, but I was in the front and tried to sniff quietly. I am worried I am making people feel weird, but hear other sniffles (mom's are very loved ) Lucas gets me a tissue box and puts his arm around me. We hold hands through the rest of the lesson.

After class we walk to Sacrament meeting, where we stand in the hall and Martha tells me she has my same skirt in pink. I really like her, she's nice. The bishop walks by and pats my arm (he saw me crying during the lesson on Motherhood)I smile at him and Lucas and I walk into the chapel.

We sit down near the front on a bench with another couple. While waiting for the meeting to start we notice some friends of ours from our old ward came in and sat in the back. It is the girl I awkwardly smiled at from an old post. Her baby is the age Molly would have been. Her other daughter is 2 and a half...her name is Molly. We went to the back and sat with them. They are so nice and friendly that its not weird around them. I hold their baby, Rose, for a while until she realizes I'm not her mom and she starts crying. I passed her back to her mom. We take the Sacrament. Our friends leave after inviting us over for hamburgers at 5. We agree even though I'm not supposed to have red meat. It will be worth it to get sick to be friends.

Sacrament meeting continues and people begin to share their testimonies (Every first Sunday of the month we fast, and the sunday meeting is open to the congregation to share the feelings in their hearts, and what they know to be true, and how the gospel blesses them) So while listening the bishop shares his testimony. He shares about how people in the ward are struggling with very hard things. How burdens are huge and he feels so blessed. He mentions feeling such sadness for couples who so badly want their babies. He looks at us. He is crying. He is a good man.

A few people later my heart starts beating really hard. I start sweating. I need to get up.

I freeze for a second, then stand up at the end of one persons testimony. I make the long walk to the front and stand in front of everyone. I feel the tears coming. I tell everyone what I know.

I know the church is true. I know that so many people around the world spend their whole lives asking questions, wondering where to turn, wondering what comes next. People want answers, and I feel blessed to know the answers that get me through this life. The gospel provides us with the revelations and doctrinal truths that are so wonderfully comforting. I dont have to wonder. I can know the answers to the questions that I have. I have the knowledge to get me through, and what a blessing that is! I know the atonement of Jesus Christ was real, and he died for me. He made a way for there to be eternal families! He has given us the ultimate comfort, now we know we can be together forever, and we can live with him again. The church is wonderful. I asked everyone to keep in mind and be grateful for the simple fact of having truth, because it is a wonderful blessing.

I walk back to my seat wiping my eyes. I sit next to Lucas, he looks proud. He puts his arm around me and squeezes. He kisses me and tells me it was beautiful. My heart is not pounding as hard, I feel better. I love the church.

We listen to more wonderful testimonies.

The meeting ends and the R.S. president finds me and tell me they can meet with me at 8pm. Deal.

We go to the other end of the church and meet with the Elders' quorum, where Lucas is given a calling. (woo hoo! Service!)

We hold hands and walk to the car, nervous to see if Moose made it through the long day home alone.

At home we are greeted by a HYPER puppy. He jumps up and runs in circles and cant decide where he wants to be he is JUST SO DARN HAPPY!!!!!! We laugh and put his leash on and take him outside where he....relieves himself. We cheer for him, and go back inside.

I come inside and make some guacamole to take to dinner. I cant try it because I'm fasting but put it in the fridge.

We remember that I have to work overnight, and since we are going to dinner and then I have a meeting I need to get sleep now. I cuddle with Lucas on the couch for a minute and then go off to bed. Just takes a few minutes and I'm ZONKED.

I have a dream about Molly.

I wake up and think about Molly and don't want to be awake. I want to see her again. But its too late and I'm awake and its time to get ready for food.

We get up and I brush my hair and change my clothes. We grab the chips and guacamole and say goodbye to Moose again, poor puppy! He's never alone this much!

We leave and drive over to our friends house. They aren't home. They are at the playground grilling the burgers, so we walk over there and meet them. Their baby looks cold and I find myself craving holding her, but don't say anything. We watch their Molly play on the playground, and when the burgers are done we walk to their apartment.

Inside Molly shows me her room. She makes me fake spaghetti and shows me her pillow is pink. I miss my Molly, but she is very cute and hard to be sad around.

We go out and she gets distracted with her stuff, and we talk to Amy and Zack. We eat the burgers and talk about school and life and family and get to know each other. They are really awesome and we have a great time. We stay and talk and eat for probably too long and I realize that it is 7:45. We have to get home

We say goodbye and Molly waves and says "See you in a minute, bye!" and we laugh and leave.

At home we greet Moose to the same wild excitement. He didn't have an accident again and we are very proud. I take him outside and the Relief Society is on the stairs and squeal at the puppy. I laugh and say I'll just be a second, sorry! They laugh and luckily Moose goes right away. We go upstairs and set Moose down where he jumps on everyone.

We laugh and giggle and Moose gets put in the back room.He cries really loud and everyone looks guilty. Lucas goes back into the room with him and he stops crying. So needy!

We start talking and chatting. The are all very kind, and we introduce ourselves and learn about each other. I tell them about Molly, because its easiest to bring it up first. They get quiet and somber, so I change the subject to scrapbooks. I show them the memory book and they look at it, and seem to really like it. :)

We talk more, and say a prayer, then they leave.

I find Lucas on the phone with his mom. I play a second with Moose, then talk to my Mother-In-Law on the phone. She has a question about shoes, somehow we end up talking for like an hour and a half.

I find Lucas and sit with him, and realize I have to be at work soon. I go change clothes and then come sit with Lucas on the couch. Hes great. I cuddle him as much as I can before its time to go. I say goodnight and head to work. I get to work and clock in and talk to Joe, as he lets me know I'm in for a boring night..the hotel is dead. I get excited to blog and watch Hulu.com. (great for wasting time)

I do my computer stuff and then I read other peoples blogs, watch 16 and pregnant on hulu, then start this SUPER long blog. Now I will go do more work, and then come finish it.

One week ago I was asleep. :) I got up on Monday and worked front desk at the hotel from 7-3. hen Lucas picked me up and we had a mini-date. We got some subway and hung out for a while to spend time together before he went to work. He went to work, I played with Moose and cleaned the apartment. Watched some TV. Got out my scrapbooking stuff and put it all away because I couldn't do it emotionally.

TuesdayGot up at 4 am, showered, took Moose out, went to work and served breakfast. Got home around Noon and took a long nap. Woke up in time to say goodbye to Lucas as he went off to work.

Wasted the day again. Spent time with Moose.

Wednesday. Got up at 4 am. Showered. Took Moose out. Went to work and served breakfast. Got home around 1:15 and took a long nap. Woke up in time to say goodbye to Lucas as he went off to work.

Wasted the day again. Eat dinner. Spend time with Moose.

ThursdayGet up at 6:30...feels like 4. Spend the day at front desk. Have a good day. Listen to loud music on the way home. Kiss Lucas, he goes to work.

Spend the day playing with Moose and doing chores. Scott and Carrie come over and we talk for a long time, Lucas gets home and we all talk until we can't keep our eyes open. They leave, we go to bed.

FridayDAY OFF and PAY DAY! Excited we got paid. Spend the day with Lucas. We ran errands. Paid bills. Love getting paid. Love Lucas. There were meals and other things in there too, I'm just blanking right now. Oh, neighbors get a puppy and we go play with him. Hes adorable! Moose is kinda weird around another puppy, its funny.

SaturdayANOTHER DAY OFF! Sleep in. Spend the morning with Lucas. Than I'm productive. I grocery shop and do laundry and clean. Moose has a great day. Lucas gets home and we cuddle. I feel great that I was productive and got a lot done, its better than wasting my time when we are so broke and I lack motivation. Make a decision to continue being productive.

My worst habit since Molly died is doing nothing. I already mentioned that so I will mention another one.

I guess my second worst habit since Molly died is not listening. I will think I am listening when people are talking but I find that I lose interest and then cant catch up and get lost thinking about Molly. As soon as anyone says anything that has to do with babies I think of Molly and am totally off track. Actually if they say anything or a story is too long eventually I find myself jsut starting at them and not paying attention at all. Its horrible. Its not like me. I am not trying to be rude, and I hope I hide it okay..?

Sorry if you have noticed. I am not trying to let my mind wander.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Day 28) What is in my purse?

I usually dont carry a purse, but did happen to bring mine today. I will get it.

Name tag with no name on itA boy's phone number (he was trying to get me to sign up at a gym, it was innocent!)Color Quick nail polishAn albertsons receipt and couponTwo packs of quaker instant oatmealA hair clipA couple more recieptsMy walletA credit card that should be in my walletA shopping listA hair tieOne tylenol capsuleA bobby pinand 40 cents.

In the next year I would like to have finished a year of school.I want to have less hard days, and feel more settled about losing Molly.I want to finish her memory book and shadow box and have them out where I see them often.I want to read the Book of Mormon again.I hope and dream of and plan to either be pregnant or have a newborn.I want to still be happy.I want to go on another vacation.I want to have paid off our car.I hope to have made some wonderful friends since Carrie and Scott are moving and now we'll be lonely.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------Day 30) A dream for the future

My biggest dream for the future is to find a way to help the very many children in the foster care system. I plan on being a nurse and or midwife and help women who lose their babies.

I want to adopt a few kids, I dont care what age they are. I just want to take a child into our family and give them the love and home and family they deserve.