Quisp and Fat Chicks. What They Have in Common with Cam Jannsen

Our blogging buddy, Quisp, wrote about the Cam Jannsen video that has since been taken down on YouTube. A certain section of that video spoke of fat broads. I am unsure how Quisp did this but he somehow interpreted the whole damn thing as Jannsen calling the L.A. Kings a fat broad that he regrets “banging” (Jannsen’s words). From Quisp:

Let’s break it down. The Devils, I guess, are Cam Janssen (ironic, considering his playoff TOI of 0.00). The Kings, he has told us, are the fat broads. Not one individual fat broad, mind you, but plural fat broads, the totality of all the fat broads seduced by Cam Janssen, or (more likely) those that he’s heard about or imagined are seduced by the kind of guy he aspires to be or would have us believe he is. So, kind of composite, mythological fat broad, really.

Not that we expect any of this allegory to hold together. But I find it kind of mesmerizing how many ways it doesn’t add up.

Cam selects the most attractive dance partner and has his way with her, despite the fact that he doesn’t find her all that attractive.

The Kings, in that metaphor, are not “the best the Devils can do.” In Cam’s metaphor, the Kings would be the hottest girl in the bar. If the Devils had lost in round one, and

Cam was selected to represent his country in the Worlds (note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA), that would be more analogous to banging the fat broad. Because he would win (yay) but not against the opponent he would have liked (boo), and which he would have faced had he or his team not sucked (ha ha).

Banging the fat broad doesn’t equal losing in the Stanley Cup Finals. Banging the fat broad — according to Cam Janssen if he were only an asshole and not also stupid — equals winning in the consolation round, having already being knocked out of the playoffs.

Saying “bang the fat broad” is meant to demean the fat broad. I only slept with you in order to dispense with my animal urges, and you were the closest victim, you pathetic fat broad. Losing in the Stanley Cup Finals doesn’t demean the Kings. Beating the Kings would have been a good start at demeaning them. But losing to them?

I wondered if maybe Cam Janssen was trying to “shrug off” losing in the cup finals, the way he thinks you’re supposed to “shrug off” the banging of the mythological fat broad. In other words, just as when I bang the fat broad it doesn’t mean that I am as worthless in my own mythology as the fat broad, so it is with the cup, where losing to the Kings does not mean we are worse than the Kings.

ESPECIALLY SINCE I CAM JANSSEN WASN’T ALLOWED TO PLAY IN ANY OF THE GAMES.

I was laughing throughout this whole thing, not because I find banging fat broads funny (more on this later) but because I think Quisp’s entire article misinterpreted what Cam Jannsen said. I only listened to the interview once and that was at work while I was multi-tasking but I am pretty sure the fat broad reference had little to do with the Kings. The host compared losing to the Kings with banging a fat chick, er, sorry “broad” – in other words, it was one of those things you look back on and say “FUCK! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!?” Jannsen agreed and said it was fucking miserable or something akin to that. At no point do I believe Cam intended to call the L.A. Kings a fat chick, damn it I did it again – “broad”. That wouldn’t have made any damn sense…it was New Jersey that lost so they were the fuckee, not the fuckor.

That brings me to the point of it all.

There is nothing wrong with banging a fat broad. When my kid brother went off to college, he asked for my advice – what to expect, the do’s and don’ts, how to get the most out of the college experience. I told him several things but one thing I emphasized was the importance of enjoying the experience and having an insane amount of fun. Part of my advice was this:

“Look, you are going to be tempted to get into a relationship. Don’t do it. Not now. Not yet. Instead, have fun. Don’t lie, don’t lead a girl on just to sleep with her but maximize getting laid. Fuck a white girl, black girl, Asian girl, Indian, dot or feather, short chick, tall chick, fat chick just once so you know what it’s like, it’s like a potato chip variety pack, if you can get sisters, great, identical twins you won’t get because you aren’t as cool as I was and I will always have that over you but try anyway, always treat them well, I am talking about the girls that want the same experience out of you that you want from them, don’t be a dick, don’t break hearts, don’t say something you don’t mean, always have respect but if you leave college and you haven’t had sex with at least 30 difference kinds of women, I am going to be pretty fucking disappointed in you and always wear a fucking condom.”

There is nothing wrong with banging a fat broad so long as it is part of the overall experience.

17 replies

Now, in my youth, back in the 60s, sex was wild stuff in WLA area that I grew up in. That was because of the war days and nukes, we did not know if we had another minute to live. Hippies, free love, Steppenwolf, Hendrix, Jefferson Airplane, The Doors (Light My Fire, Long Version), etc, etc,
all lead to chicks craving any kind of love possible in any which way imaginable. Weed, acid, payote, hash, speed, (glue even!) wow, everybody had a drug store in their pocket.

I was at a concert at the Forum with the Stones in 1969 and all you had to do was breathe the air and get a super high, and the chicks wanted whatever you had as a stash and in the underwear in the cars in the parking lot.

I won’t bore you with all of those stories in those ancient days, other than to say that nobody knew what condoms were for, other than making them into water balloons. Nobody went up to the pharmacist and asked for a box of rubbers. Aids in those days meant giving some change into the Salvation army metal pot.

Sorry to talk about ancient history like that here, but, your post flashed me back to fond memories
of going to LA Kings games with my date and then making out in the parking lot.

Okay, I learned a long time ago it is generally wise to accept apologies and forgive, unless the SOB is packing a rod or a knife in his drawers. Since I figure he is not doing any of that, I can give him a free pass for now.

I get what he’s saying. It’s nothing about the kings being the fat broad. He’s not talking about settling for the fat broad at the bar when you are solo. He’s talking about the wingman concept, and the rule of the hot girl with the ugly friend. Guys go out in pairs, and the guy who gets the interest of the hot girl, that’s the winner. His friends duty is to distract the ugly friend, in order to “separate the prey from the herd” as it were.

The banner that says “Stanley Cup Champion” is the hottest girl in the bar. The banner that says “Conference Champion” is the ugly friend. She might not even be the ugliest girl, she’s just the uglier friend of the hottest girl. That is the prize of the runner up, and that is the metaphor he is using. He’s saying “we fucked the fat broad”, literally meaning that “we struck out on the hottest girl, and we had to settle for the leftovers.”

It adds up fine. Still kind of a dickish metaphor for a public interview.

I agree with the “dos” of your advice to your brother, but with none of the “don’ts”.

In college wimmin are to be thought of only as cunts to be fucked. You can be nice to them, if you like. You can care about them. You can try not to be a dick — (in my day, the expression was “prick”). You can try not to break their hearts. You can try not to lead them on. You can be Ashley Wilkes.

But if you can’t — or don’t — live up to this high standard of conduct, remember to fuck them first.

(Actually, the only true advice about these matters is this: If a chick doesn’t wanna fuck you, nothing you legally do is gonna get you into her pants. If she DOES wanna fuck you, the trick is not to talk her out of it. Period.)