~ Shedding my skins

Transparency

When i was a senior in high school my buddy committed suicide. He drove his car down by the river to one of the most beautiful places around and blew his brains out. It absolutely devastated all of us who knew him.

A decade or so later, my life fell apart. I dove head-first into deep depression. Things got pretty shaky for a while. I was a homeless wreck. I was desperate. The pain i felt was so intense that I could not bear it. I began to give serious thought to committing suicide. This was terrifying. I couldn’t deal with the overwhelming turmoil and i began to lose my grip on reality.

I was hallucinating maniacal skeletons dripping blood and screaming at me. I could not get away from them. They were everywhere. They mocked me, screamed at me to slice my wrists, urged me to climb rusty fire escapes and plunge my body off of a 12-story building. I was wandering the streets babbling incoherently. A stranger led me to a crisis center. They talked with me for a few minutes. For my own safety, I was locked up for more than a month. I scammed my way out, knowing that once they let me go, I had to die.

But i had children. And for a while, the only thing that kept me alive was visualizing them at my funeral and trying to pick up their shattered lives after I was gone. No matter how much agony I was in, I couldn’t do that to them. My love for them was too strong. Because I couldn’t not do that to them, i had to figure out how to live. I had to figure out how to work my way through my deep depression and be a source of light.

I spent the next year and a half in out-patient treatment programs. Digging into everything and confronting the patterns and sources of what was dragging me down. This process has become a part of my life, something i work on every single day.

Going through those days was terrifying but I wouldn’t change a thing in my life. I needed to trash and burn all kinds of shit that i allowed to fester inside of me. Nearly killing myself was how I accomplished that.

Emerging from that dark place was the beginning of a new cycle.

I understand all too well why people kill themselves and how incredibly difficult it is to overcome the magnetic whirlpool of suicide. I’m just very glad that I did not make that choice. There are two ways to get through that pain and depression. Live or die. I chose life.

I rewrote my story and changed the ending from a tragic suicide that left children without their father to what it is today. Things have morphed, shifted, and changed into a magical blend that oozes transformation.

This is for those of us who have chosen the path of
Working through our pain
Transforming our lives
Becoming free of what burdens us

We know who we are.
We cultivate extreme paradigm shifts.
Stagnation is a form of death.
Transcendence comes by removing blockages.
We dismantle them
and move towards freedom……………

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1 thought on “Transparency”

The choice to live or die seems so very simple. I have also struggled with significant depression and for the same reasons have focused on my children for life support. I now know, with certainty, the pricelessness of close family bonds and the need to shed the stigma poor mental health brings. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Isolation feeds depression.