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Are Dry Weddings Unfair to Guests?

Hello! I'm new to this site but I have partaken in other sites' forums. My feedback there and what I've found perusing these boards is conflicting advice. I'm posting my question again here, along with the information I've thus gathered. I've separated it into QUESTION and BACKGROUND for your convenience. Thank you in advance! Please help me understand what actually is within etiquette:

QUESTION

Is it poor etiquette for us to not host our guests with an open bar (as opposed to a dry wedding)?

I certainly wouldn't want our guests to miss out. If I don't do an open bar, would it be acceptable to just provide a nice bottle or two of wine in the appropriate parties' welcome baskets? As an apology for my wedding not having the opportunity for them to indulge?

BACKGROUND

My fiancé and I are of a religion that prohibits the consumption of alcohol. However, we are also not to mandate our practices on those who don't share our beliefs. That said, we are, with our families, hosting a wedding of ~350 people. Of those people, <60 are open to drinking alcohol. We will have freshly made juices, blended beverages, teas and coffees, and carbonated drinks available.

Note: Between my FH and I, we do actually have a personal and intimate relationship with each and every one of these people.

I know the ones that don't drink actually don't drink because of one or more of the following: religion, being sober for personal/health reasons, having a career that has them on call and/or requires sobriety, being underage.

Note 2: In my culture, wedding toasts are not a custom. We celebrate the B&G in other ways.

(An example, because I was badgered about this being possible on one of my other posts on another site: people come to the B&G and feed the couple traditional sweets and fruit with their hands as a way of passing blessings. Please don't shame this custom as it's special to us and I respect it if you're not into it. I wouldn't force anyone to partake.)

Here is the advice I received on my posts about this on other sites:

• I cannot guarantee that people don't drink even if they're members of a religion that prohibits it.

• > Thereby I shouldn't assume they wouldn't like to drink and should offer them an opportunity to drink because that is their right as a guest.

• People will want drinks to toast. (Please see Note 2)

• Weddings without alcohol are not fun.

• > Since it is rude to not entertain guests, an open bar is necessary for everyone.

My culture that I was brought up with is that of my parents' homeland, although I've been raised in the States - where my wedding will be held. I figured that the above advice was the norm in the States. I just began looking for how to arrange an open bar despite contentions from my FH. Then I stumbled here and now I'm confused. Thanks for helping me out!

Best Answers

Hello! I'm new to this site but I have partaken in other sites' forums. My feedback there and what I've found perusing these boards is conflicting advice. I'm posting my question again here, along with the information I've thus gathered. I've separated it into QUESTION and BACKGROUND for your convenience. Thank you in advance! Please help me understand what actually is within etiquette:

QUESTION

Is it poor etiquette for us to not host our guests with an open bar (as opposed to a dry wedding)?

I certainly wouldn't want our guests to miss out. If I don't do an open bar, would it be acceptable to just provide a nice bottle or two of wine in the appropriate parties' welcome baskets? As an apology for my wedding not having the opportunity for them to indulge?

BACKGROUND

My fiancé and I are of a religion that prohibits the consumption of alcohol. However, we are also not to mandate our practices on those who don't share our beliefs. That said, we are, with our families, hosting a wedding of ~350 people. Of those people, <60 are open to drinking alcohol. We will have freshly made juices, blended beverages, teas and coffees, and carbonated drinks available.

Note: Between my FH and I, we do actually have a personal and intimate relationship with each and every one of these people.

I know the ones that don't drink actually don't drink because of one or more of the following: religion, being sober for personal/health reasons, having a career that has them on call and/or requires sobriety, being underage.

Note 2: In my culture, wedding toasts are not a custom. We celebrate the B&G in other ways.

(An example, because I was badgered about this being possible on one of my other posts on another site: people come to the B&G and feed the couple traditional sweets and fruit with their hands as a way of passing blessings. Please don't shame this custom as it's special to us and I respect it if you're not into it. I wouldn't force anyone to partake.)

Here is the advice I received on my posts about this on other sites:

• I cannot guarantee that people don't drink even if they're members of a religion that prohibits it.

• > Thereby I shouldn't assume they wouldn't like to drink and should offer them an opportunity to drink because that is their right as a guest.

• People will want drinks to toast. (Please see Note 2)

• Weddings without alcohol are not fun.

• > Since it is rude to not entertain guests, an open bar is necessary for everyone.

My culture that I was brought up with is that of my parents' homeland, although I've been raised in the States - where my wedding will be held. I figured that the above advice was the norm in the States. I just began looking for how to arrange an open bar despite contentions from my FH. Then I stumbled here and now I'm confused. Thanks for helping me out!

Dry weddings are not rude in the slightest. But what is rude is having staggered hosting (drinks only at some points if the wedding) or having guests open their purse (cash bar).

It seems like having a dry wedding would be the easiest for you. Yes, you cannot control if another adult will go out and drink from a hip flask. However, I would find that fairly disrespectful. I've been to Pakistani, Indian and Saudi weddings that were all dry, and I had a great time. Although I would be confused if I had wine at some points, and then not others.

You dont one need to provide wine in a welcome basket at all. You have no reason to apologise. One of my best friends is British-Punjabi, and her wedding was vegetarian. It was amazing! She didn't give me a packet of bacon to apologise

I totally agree with LondonLisa. As long as you are providing a variety of non-alcoholic drinks you are fine. Religious reasons are very good reasons for not serving alcohol along with the other reasons you mentioned. Heck, budget is just as good a reason to not serve it. The advice you received elsewhere is wrong. Good luck with your planning.

Your requirement as the host here is to offer your guests food and drink appropriate to the time of day -i.e. a meal at a meal time, some variety of something to drink. WHAT you actually provide is up to you, and your guests should graciously accept it.

Alcohol is not a right. That would be like saying you HAVE to serve filet mignon at a wedding because people like meat and expect a good meal at a wedding- it is their RIGHT to eat steak! Nope.

Enjoy your dry wedding!

(And no, you do not put wine in the welcome baskets. If your guests want to go get their own alcohol before or after your wedding, they can do that themselves, like adults).

Re: Are Dry Weddings Unfair to Guests?

A dry wedding is perfectly within etiquette and given that you know the majority of your guests don't drink it seems like the best option for you. Having an open bar everyone just because a small portion of your guest list drinks seems a little wasteful to me.

Also just because someone may want an alcholic alcoholic beverage doesn't mean you have to provide them. Think of it this way, if you were part of a culture that didn't eat pork, but a small fraction really did like pork and were used to eating it at weddings, would you feel obligated to serve something you and the majority of your guests don't eat, just to satisfy someone's preferences when your provided them perfectly fine beef?

I think your plans sound lovely and that you are providing many different beverages for guests to choose from.

Nothing wrong with a dry reception, and you have plenty of other drink options available. If you have a "personal and intimate relationship" with all of these guests, I'm sure they understand that alcohol is not allowed in your religion and will not expect it at your wedding. Any guests who do drink and are annoyed that you don't have alcohol at the wedding will just have to deal with it. That's not your problem.

Who thinks they're entitled to alcoholic beverages? No one should think that. You're providing a nice variety of drinks, so everyone should be able to have something that they would enjoy drinking with their meal. That's what good hosting looks like.

• I cannot guarantee that people don't drink even if they're members of a religion that prohibits it.

• > Thereby I shouldn't assume they wouldn't like to drink and should offer them an opportunity to drink because that is their right as a guest.It doesn't matter if some of your guests like to drink, or even if every single one of your guests absolutely loves to drink, hosting a dry wedding does not infringe on anyone's "rights".

• People will want drinks to toast. (Please see Note 2)It doesn't matter if people want to drink with alcoholic beverages: Glasses of nonalcoholic beverages can be raised just as easily.

• Weddings without alcohol are not fun.Some people have fun doing crossword puzzles. Some people can't have fun unless they're skydiving on acid. If your wedding has good company and good food I assure you it will be enough fun for most people.

• > Since it is rude to not entertain guests, an open bar is necessary for everyone.See above. I don't consider alcohol a necessary component of entertainment.

Hello everyone! Thanks so much for your responses. Sorry, I'm a bit clued out on the alcohol scene. I've been fretting over this for a couple of weeks now and I feel so relieved.

Honestly, I too thought exactly what you are all saying above. It wasn't until I addressed another dry wedding post on another forum that I was told alcohol is a must. Those forums are pretty USA-centric and seem to have a distaste for dry wedding. Hence I thought it was a culture issue.

@charlotte989875: The wastefulness was my biggest issue with the open bar. It's one of the main reasons why I wanted to verify.

Have to say, I think I know what site(s) you're referencing when you say dry weddings are frowned upon. There's a difference between what guests may prefer and what's actually rude/not rude. It sounds like a lot of your guests don't drink anyway and the remaining would understand. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about having a dry wedding. Sure, there are lots of people out there who equate a celebration with alcohol. But nobody is entitled to alcohol for celebratory purposes.

I think there's more negativity with the people who are like, "I don't want people getting drunk on my dime!" versus people who actually have religious reasons or simply just don't drink.

Have to say, I think I know what site(s) you're referencing when you say dry weddings are frowned upon. There's a difference between what guests may prefer and what's actually rude/not rude. It sounds like a lot of your guests don't drink anyway and the remaining would understand. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about having a dry wedding. Sure, there are lots of people out there who equate a celebration with alcohol. But nobody is entitled to alcohol for celebratory purposes.

I think there's more negativity with the people who are like, "I don't want people getting drunk on my dime!" versus people who actually have religious reasons or simply just don't drink.

This is where I am:

If you are having a dry wedding because you're religious or it's not part of your practice I understand that far more than when a couple opts for a dry wedding to cut costs or to try to parent guests by deciding how much alcohol they can consume.

A dry wedding is perfectly within etiquette and given that you know the majority of your guests don't drink it seems like the best option for you. Having an open bar everyone just because a small portion of your guest list drinks seems a little wasteful to me.

Also just because someone may want an alcholic alcoholic beverage doesn't mean you have to provide them. Think of it this way, if you were part of a culture that didn't eat pork, but a small fraction really did like pork and were used to eating it at weddings, would you feel obligated to serve something you and the majority of your guests don't eat, just to satisfy someone's preferences when your provided them perfectly fine beef?

I think your plans sound lovely and that you are providing many different beverages for guests to choose from.

I love this analogy. I've been to a Mormon wedding without alcohol and it was totally fine. The few of us who DO drink understood the B&G don't (and why), and no one expected it. Religious beliefs are a totally legit reason to not serve alcohol. Also, if you're close with all of your guests I assume they know you don't drink. It sounds like you're hosting them just fine otherwise!

(Also seconding that there's no need to provide wine in a welcome basket!)

Have to say, I think I know what site(s) you're referencing when you say dry weddings are frowned upon. There's a difference between what guests may prefer and what's actually rude/not rude. It sounds like a lot of your guests don't drink anyway and the remaining would understand. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about having a dry wedding. Sure, there are lots of people out there who equate a celebration with alcohol. But nobody is entitled to alcohol for celebratory purposes.

I think there's more negativity with the people who are like, "I don't want people getting drunk on my dime!" versus people who actually have religious reasons or simply just don't drink.

This is where I am:

If you are having a dry wedding because you're religious or it's not part of your practice I understand that far more than when a couple opts for a dry wedding to cut costs or to try to parent guests by deciding how much alcohol they can consume.

Actually, since no one is entitled to alcohol at a wedding, the couple/hosts don't have to provide a reason why they're not offering it.

Have to say, I think I know what site(s) you're referencing when you say dry weddings are frowned upon. There's a difference between what guests may prefer and what's actually rude/not rude. It sounds like a lot of your guests don't drink anyway and the remaining would understand. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about having a dry wedding. Sure, there are lots of people out there who equate a celebration with alcohol. But nobody is entitled to alcohol for celebratory purposes.

I think there's more negativity with the people who are like, "I don't want people getting drunk on my dime!" versus people who actually have religious reasons or simply just don't drink.

This is where I am:

If you are having a dry wedding because you're religious or it's not part of your practice I understand that far more than when a couple opts for a dry wedding to cut costs or to try to parent guests by deciding how much alcohol they can consume.

Actually, since no one is entitled to alcohol at a wedding, the couple/hosts don't have to provide a reason why they're not offering it.

She didn't say they have to provide the reason, just that she finds some reasons better than others. I agree. Having a dry wedding to save money is not rude at all. I just don't like it.

We're always suggesting that couples cut out the "extras" (ie things that are nice but not necessary) if they're struggling with their event budget. Things like favours, photo booths, ice sculptures, and alcohol are all "extras" in my book, so wanting to save money seems like a perfectly good reason to host a dry wedding.

The reasoning of "Our guests turn into buffoons when they drink too much and they'll drink too much if there's [an open bar / liquor / any alcohol]" does come across as patronizing.

Have to say, I think I know what site(s) you're referencing when you say dry weddings are frowned upon. There's a difference between what guests may prefer and what's actually rude/not rude. It sounds like a lot of your guests don't drink anyway and the remaining would understand. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about having a dry wedding. Sure, there are lots of people out there who equate a celebration with alcohol. But nobody is entitled to alcohol for celebratory purposes.

I think there's more negativity with the people who are like, "I don't want people getting drunk on my dime!" versus people who actually have religious reasons or simply just don't drink.

This is where I am:

If you are having a dry wedding because you're religious or it's not part of your practice I understand that far more than when a couple opts for a dry wedding to cut costs or to try to parent guests by deciding how much alcohol they can consume.

Actually, since no one is entitled to alcohol at a wedding, the couple/hosts don't have to provide a reason why they're not offering it.

JM&J! Do you wait until I make any comment about alcohol to come on and comment about the pure etiquette associated with it?

We're always suggesting that couples cut out the "extras" (ie things that are nice but not necessary) if they're struggling with their event budget. Things like favours, photo booths, ice sculptures, and alcohol are all "extras" in my book, so wanting to save money seems like a perfectly good reason to host a dry wedding.

The reasoning of "Our guests turn into buffoons when they drink too much and they'll drink too much if there's [an open bar / liquor / any alcohol]" does come across as patronizing.

Of course none of this applies to OP, just my two cents.

I do think in some circles/families/cultures (mine included) alcohol is not an extra. It would never be an option in any function we hosted (even our baby showers, Christening/Baptisms have open bars).

That's clearly not the case here, and I obviously think dry weddings are perfectly within etiquette.

We're always suggesting that couples cut out the "extras" (ie things that are nice but not necessary) if they're struggling with their event budget. Things like favours, photo booths, ice sculptures, and alcohol are all "extras" in my book, so wanting to save money seems like a perfectly good reason to host a dry wedding.

The reasoning of "Our guests turn into buffoons when they drink too much and they'll drink too much if there's [an open bar / liquor / any alcohol]" does come across as patronizing.

Of course none of this applies to OP, just my two cents.

I do think in some circles/families/cultures (mine included) alcohol is not an extra. It would never be an option in any function we hosted (even our baby showers, Christening/Baptisms have open bars).

That's clearly not the case here, and I obviously think dry weddings are perfectly within etiquette.

That's sort of my point. Alcohol in my family is a beverage that you put into your budget. If high end wine / beer / spirits isn't in the budget then I don't buy them but I don't omit that entirely. Similarly, if a hugely expensive cake wasn't in the budget then I'd cut costs somewhere else.

The point is that in the OP's circle, alcohol isn't even expected on a social level.

Have to say, I think I know what site(s) you're referencing when you say dry weddings are frowned upon. There's a difference between what guests may prefer and what's actually rude/not rude. It sounds like a lot of your guests don't drink anyway and the remaining would understand. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about having a dry wedding. Sure, there are lots of people out there who equate a celebration with alcohol. But nobody is entitled to alcohol for celebratory purposes.

I think there's more negativity with the people who are like, "I don't want people getting drunk on my dime!" versus people who actually have religious reasons or simply just don't drink.

This is where I am:

If you are having a dry wedding because you're religious or it's not part of your practice I understand that far more than when a couple opts for a dry wedding to cut costs or to try to parent guests by deciding how much alcohol they can consume.

Actually, since no one is entitled to alcohol at a wedding, the couple/hosts don't have to provide a reason why they're not offering it.

She didn't say they have to provide the reason, just that she finds some reasons better than others. I agree. Having a dry wedding to save money is not rude at all. I just don't like it.

It's no one's business why a wedding is dry. People can be as disappointed as they like that there is no alcohol being served, but that's their problem, not the hosts'.

Sometimes, even in circles where it's the norm, the hosts might choose for whatever reason not to provide it. Guests who miss it that badly can have an after-party of their own where alcohol is served, but if it's rude for guests to criticize the hospitality for other non-violations of etiquette, isn't it just as rude to do so for the lack of alcohol?

Have to say, I think I know what site(s) you're referencing when you say dry weddings are frowned upon. There's a difference between what guests may prefer and what's actually rude/not rude. It sounds like a lot of your guests don't drink anyway and the remaining would understand. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about having a dry wedding. Sure, there are lots of people out there who equate a celebration with alcohol. But nobody is entitled to alcohol for celebratory purposes.

I think there's more negativity with the people who are like, "I don't want people getting drunk on my dime!" versus people who actually have religious reasons or simply just don't drink.

This is where I am:

If you are having a dry wedding because you're religious or it's not part of your practice I understand that far more than when a couple opts for a dry wedding to cut costs or to try to parent guests by deciding how much alcohol they can consume.

Actually, since no one is entitled to alcohol at a wedding, the couple/hosts don't have to provide a reason why they're not offering it.

She didn't say they have to provide the reason, just that she finds some reasons better than others. I agree. Having a dry wedding to save money is not rude at all. I just don't like it.

It's no one's business why a wedding is dry. People can be as disappointed as they like that there is no alcohol being served, but that's their problem, not the hosts'.

Sometimes, even in circles where it's the norm, the hosts might choose for whatever reason not to provide it. Guests who miss it that badly can have an after-party of their own where alcohol is served, but if it's rude for guests to criticize the hospitality for other non-violations of etiquette, isn't it just as rude to do so for the lack of alcohol?

And? I wouldn't ask, nor would I complain to them. No where did I say it was their problem. I just wouldn't like it. I also don't like it if you serve only vegan food or breakfast for dinner or only sweet wine or have your wedding outside. It's okay to have preferences. No one is saying a couple who doesn't serve alcohol is wrong. I feel like you're either deliberately missing the point or arguing that we can't have our own preferences which is just absurd.

Have to say, I think I know what site(s) you're referencing when you say dry weddings are frowned upon. There's a difference between what guests may prefer and what's actually rude/not rude. It sounds like a lot of your guests don't drink anyway and the remaining would understand. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about having a dry wedding. Sure, there are lots of people out there who equate a celebration with alcohol. But nobody is entitled to alcohol for celebratory purposes.

I think there's more negativity with the people who are like, "I don't want people getting drunk on my dime!" versus people who actually have religious reasons or simply just don't drink.

This is where I am:

If you are having a dry wedding because you're religious or it's not part of your practice I understand that far more than when a couple opts for a dry wedding to cut costs or to try to parent guests by deciding how much alcohol they can consume.

Actually, since no one is entitled to alcohol at a wedding, the couple/hosts don't have to provide a reason why they're not offering it.

She didn't say they have to provide the reason, just that she finds some reasons better than others. I agree. Having a dry wedding to save money is not rude at all. I just don't like it.

It's no one's business why a wedding is dry. People can be as disappointed as they like that there is no alcohol being served, but that's their problem, not the hosts'.

Sometimes, even in circles where it's the norm, the hosts might choose for whatever reason not to provide it. Guests who miss it that badly can have an after-party of their own where alcohol is served, but if it's rude for guests to criticize the hospitality for other non-violations of etiquette, isn't it just as rude to do so for the lack of alcohol?

Who said it's OK to criticize? We all agree that you don't *have* to have alcohol but the point is whether or not it's missed.

@STARMOON44 makes great comparisons with the breakfast for dinner option or other alcoholic options. You could also argue that a dessert reception should have more than dessert but a couple doesn't HAVE to provide it.

In the OP's case, alcohol isn't consumed and it's not a big deal to omit it.

OP - Also, know that its perfectly fine to toast with non-alcoholic beverages - if anyone offers you a toast. A toast can be made with any beverage in hand.

If I were attending your wedding, I would not be expecting alcohol knowing your beliefs. So I don't think you need to worry about a small portion of your guests, who do drink, to expect it at your wedding.

I would think its weird to have a bottle of wine in my welcome basket (which are also an extra) and then not having it offered at all during the reception. So just have no alcohol all around.

I do think in some circles/families/cultures (mine included) alcohol is not an extra. It would never be an option in any function we hosted (even our baby showers, Christening/Baptisms have open bars).

That's clearly not the case here, and I obviously think dry weddings are perfectly within etiquette.

That's sort of my point.

I know. I was hoping that by re-stating it we would avoid this thread continuing down the "not having alcohol isn't rude" spiral that has occurred in spite of my reiterating your well made point.

No one has said not providing alcohol is rude. No one said it's acceptable to criticize couples that don't provide alcohol.

The point some of us are trying to make is that alcohol is a norm in our circles/families/culture and not an extra. That's it.

But do most hosts of dry weddings voluntarily indicate the reason there isn't any booze or even announce before the wedding that it's dry?

If it's because they're worried about drunkenness, yeah, I can see how announcing that would be offensive. But how would anyone know what the reason is if the hosts don't volunteer that information? Is it even polite to ask why there isn't any alcohol?