Dear Emuna: Resenting My Mother

My mother wasn't there for me growing up and I can't let go of the old feelings of abandonment.

I’m a 45 year-old woman, married with a few kids. I have a good marriage and the “normal” challenges with my children. But I still wake up everyday feeling resentful of my mother. She was a single mom who really neglected me while I was growing up. She was busy pursuing her career and her social life and I was frequently alone – physically and emotionally. Every time I see her, speak to her or even think of her, it brings back all the old feelings of abandonment. I don’t know how to deal with this. Can you please help?

-- Trapped in My 8 year-old Self

Dear Trapped,

You really are. And no one can free you, except yourself. It’s not your mother’s responsibility. Not any more. Even if every word you say is true.

You are an adult with your own family now. Holding on to old grudges and resentments is corrosive of your soul. It harms your ability to enjoy life and gets in the way of being the fully present and open-hearted wife and mother your family deserves.

So you need to let go – for yourself. But also for your mother.

You don’t have to deny the hurt but perhaps you can start changing your focus towards compassion for your mother, to possess some understanding of her behavior and to focus on what you did get instead of what you didn’t. As our Sages teach, "Who is rich? The one who is happy with his portion." Let it go. It doesn’t matter any more. It can’t harm you any more. Let it go…

I know this is easier said than done. I don’t mean to sound cavalier. I just want you to appreciate how unproductive it is for you to hold on. And, like any habit, it is hard to break. You are used to thinking of yourself as a person with a grievance. You wake up every day holding on to a grudge against your mother. It’s hard to just magically arise as a new person. It requires determination and commitment. Once you make the decision to let go, you are at least halfway there.

But the yetzer hara, our lower self, wakes up earlier than we do; it’s ready to pounce with that destructive grudge as soon as we open our eyes. You need to be prepared to meet it head on; to constantly talk to yourself: “I am letting go. I forgive my mother. I am moving on.” It may not happen overnight (it won’t) but if you keep at it, you will emerge a newer, freer person. And ask the Almighty to help; He’s happy to join in your battle.

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

I live my life under a cloud of anxiety. I wake up anxious, I go to bed anxious and, except for a few brief periods, I spend most of my day worrying. Even when a situation is resolved, the anxiety only lifts briefly before it resettles on something else or I find a nuance in the situation that was missed and obsess about that. It’s really taking over my life and every conversation with my husband seems to revolve around some new anxiety or a replay of an old one. I think he’s feel frustrated with the situation – and I’m not so happy about it myself (which is another source of anxiety!!). Help!

-- Eaten Up Inside

Dear Eaten Up,

I suggest you visit a competent therapist. It’s hard to gauge the extent of your problem from one letter but just in case medication would be of benefit to you, it makes sense to speak to someone who can provide that option if called for. If you don’t feel your situation warrants that type of intervention and you just want a more philosophical approach, then I’m sure you know that the real solution is to trust in the Almighty and to recognize that everything He does is for the good.

Additionally, whether or not the things you worry about actually materialize (most often not!), the time spent worrying makes no difference whatsoever. It is completely unproductive. At the very least, it is a waste of time. At the worst, it is damaging your other relationships (to wit, your conversations with your husband) and keeping you from more productive endeavors. So take a deep breath, ask the Almighty to help and put your worries in His hands. Additionally, involve yourself in helping others. It will lift you out of obsessing about your own situation.

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

I am 15 years old and I am a very good listener. I’m not bragging; everyone tells me so. Girls come to me with all their problems. Mostly I just listen but sometimes they want advice. How can I advise them? And sometimes the issues are very serious. What should I do?

-- Everyone’s Confidant

Dear Good Listener,

You sound like a very wise 15 year-old. And very kind as well. One of the most important things for all of use to recognize is our limitations. We all (children, adults, teachers, rabbis, friends) need to know when a situation is outside our realm or expertise and when a professional needs to be called in. Anyone of any age who attempts to deal with issues outside their competency will end up hurting the very people they are trying to help. So I suggest that unless they are discussing issues with other friends where you probably could and do give them appropriate advice and direction, you should tell them to go speak to a teacher/principal/therapist. 15 year-old girls should NOT be dealing with girls’ serious psychological issues. It is not only beyond your capacity, it is not a burden you should be carrying. And depending on the level of seriousness, you may be called upon to make a tough choice and report the situation to a teacher you trust even if your friend is unwilling to go tell her yourself.

Being a good listener is a wonderful quality; continue to exercise that muscle – it will stand you in good stead when you are a wife and mother someday. As will learning to delegate to the right person!

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 31

(25)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2015 2:27 AM

Resentment

Great response...and something I think we all could relate to. Doesn't everyone have someone in their lives like this? Makes me think of the quote that goes something like this: Holding on to a grudge or unforgiveness or hate or whatever is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. If you don't forgive and let it go, you are only hurting yourself over and over and over again.

I was impressed with the story of a man who came out of a concentration camp who immediately started helping others and who seemed not to be adversely affected by what was hell on earth. He said that he saw what hate could do to people so he was determined to love everyone. It saved him I believe.

The situation is never as important as your attitude because someone can be in a great situation but have a lousy attitude filled with pity and a great lack of thankfulness and someone can be in a terrible situation but have a great attitude filled with thankfulness and hope. I have seen both and I am sure I have been one or the other at different times in my life!

'He pities those who fear Him because He knows we are made of dust.' --Our Heavenly Father who knows us and loves us anyway. It is all about forgiveness.

One more quote: 'Life is an adventure in forgiveness'--Norman Cousins (I think!)

(24)
csstark,
December 5, 2013 7:22 PM

Your advice to the woman who felt abandoned by her mother was spot on !!!

I love the answer you gave to the woman who felt abandoned by her mother. At a certain point in life, we all have to assume responsibility for our feelings and honor them. We also must work at the same tiime on letting go so that the anger , hurt and resentment we feel does not rule our feelings and actions. Therapy and /or a rav are a big help here. Staying stuck is never the answer. I was happy to read that this woman has a nice family life, thank G-d.

(23)
Sherri,
January 13, 2012 9:13 PM

anxiety is caused by foods

perhaps check out a naturopath - foods can cause anxiety- specifically pop. Vitamin B helps with anxiety - but please do your own homework and look into it!

Anonymous,
December 30, 2014 1:09 AM

anxiety

Iron deficiency can cause anxiety and depressive moods , feeling of disorientation as well. It always helps to check for physical reasons first (eg. blood tests) , then deal with the psychological side of it if it persists.

(22)
miriam,
November 3, 2011 3:28 PM

to the woman suffering from anxiety

buy the book "duties of the heart" by moshe chaim luzzato. it comes with an english translation. read the chapter, "gate of trust in G-d", a little bit each night. It's life changing

I believe that what might let the woman who still resents what her mother did to her as a child let go of her grudge is empathy with the loneliness she experienced as a child.
I do feel with her and wish that she will be able to forgive

(19)
Anonymous,
October 26, 2011 8:49 PM

Weight loss, medication- anxiety

I agree with Mrs. Braverman's advice. After reading the post, I was reminded of couple of people who went on a fancy diet and lost a lot of weight. Shortly after, similar symptoms appeared. (In one case, sleep was disrupted and the person was off work for a year.) But, anxiety and depression were standard. I am not ascribing cause and effect. I just noticed a correlation.
The other scenario involved medication. Certain types of medications can make us anxious. (Believe it or not, jealousy is a side- effect of certain medications.) Another side- effect, for a number of medications, is anxiety. One of those is, I believe, birth control pills.
If none of this rings a bell, you may want to go back into your history and find out when you think all of this started. It may be of value. Your husband can help. In the meantime, I would recommend a healthy diet, exercise, and plenty of sleep.

(18)
Anonymous,
October 26, 2011 4:01 PM

Anxiety - try that which is before you..

Aish offers many tools. Aish authors have written many wonderful books that can be of help. Please use the search tool. Take advantage of Aish tape library. There are so many wonderful speakers you can choose on this subject. I would also recommend a book by Rabbi Arush, "The Garden of Emuna". It seems perfect for people who suffer from anxiety. It is trans. by Rabbi Lazer Brody.
Immersing ourselves in Aish's commentary and Aish's Torah readings is meant to help us understand that there is One Creator and that He is One. That has very positive consequences, in terms of anxiety, which Aish constantly brings to our attention.

(17)
Anonymous,
October 26, 2011 1:37 PM

For poster #2- Anxiety tips

Here are some tips for alleviating anxiety. I wholly concur with Mrs. Braverman's suggestion and the writer should seek professional help.
A quick way to feel less anxious is to get a brown paper bag, and breathe into it for a minute. That will calm us down considerably.
Cut back on sugar, sucrose, caffeine, alcohol.
Increase daily exercise
Increase charity work - spending more time within one's community
Diet- Kosher? - Diet and sleep are closely linked. Are you getting your sleep? It is very important to get to sleep on time and to get enough sleep. If you cannot get to sleep on time, there are way to fall asleep.
Sigh! Yes, sigh consciously making a sound. So, on the outgoing breath, really release it but with a sound. Let it come from your belly. You might get a surprise after a while. (I would recommend doing this when by yourself, for obvious reasons.)
Comedy. Find yourself something that is very funny. There are far too many funny videos that are of high quality. But, make it a practice to have comedy in your life on a daily basis.
Smile. Yes, smile every day regardless of what.
Read Rabbi Pliskin. Buy his books. One of his favorite sayings is "Smile at mirrors and they always smile back at you." Do it. It works.

(16)
Anonymous,
October 26, 2011 1:15 PM

You may try this - anxiety exercise

Find a time and place just for yourself. Sit comfortably or lie down. Close your eyes. Give yourself permission to be distracted. Whenever you are, simply go back to the exercise. Remember not to act on those distracting thoughts. Place your hands on your abdomen. Your hands will be falling and rising as you breathe. Simply notice that movement. Do not concentrate. Simply notice that movement. You are simply aware of the falling and rising of the abdomen. That is it.
You may begin this for 5 minutes. Eventually you will increase it to 20 minutes. You will have many reasons for giving up. (You may come up with the best idea for something. You may have forgotten to do something, call someone, run an errand. ) Remember to classify all of these thoughts under the banner of intrusive thoughts. Just note the thought and then bet back to simply being aware of your breathing. That is all. Nothing more (If you left something on the stove and the house is about to burn then please turn off the element.) You can set a timer, something on your Smart phone, or something very gentle, reminding you that your 5, 10, or 20 minutes is up. You may want to say your favorite Tehillim before and after this exercise.
After about two weeks of this you may wish to put your hands to the side and try to pay attention to the abdomen without the hands. So, no hands. Just bare abdomen.
There is an exercise that asks you to notice your breath underneath the nostrils. Do not do this. People who are anxious are usually head people. They are not ready to do this exercise. Those types of exercises are for people who wish to meditate and not for people who need healing.

(15)
Willy,
October 26, 2011 4:23 AM

trapped

many years ago I watch a close friend die spiritually over not being able to forgive his dad. When he was young his dad tried to drown his half sister in the tub. at first he just didn't like his dad over what he had done. I was 10 when we met. by 1975 he had quit going to church and no matter what I said it didn't do any good. I couldn't understand until one day he got to talking about his dad and the change that came over him was like an jeckel &Hyde and then I new. I told him he needs to forgive his dad so he can grow spiritually and until he does that he will never feel comfortable in church. when he mention that what his dad did was wrong I told him he was right and he will answer for it, but you need to forgive him for yourself . there is more to this but I hope you get the idea. take what good you can and cherish it I know about this except in my case it was my dad. I never hid what my dad did to my kids but they also know the good about him as well. I looked at what my dad did and do the opposite. I am a better dad to my children than he was to me and I give him the credit

(14)
Nechama,
October 25, 2011 1:24 PM

The Journey

For anyone harboring resentment for someone else, I highly recommend seeing a practitioner of "The Journey" - a method developed by Brandon Bays.
The method specifically centers on helping us understand and forgive those who have deeply hurt us. Of course, we are the winners because all those bad, negative emotions leave us and we are purified.
Good luck!

Anonymous,
October 26, 2011 12:39 PM

Note-this is NLP in disguise

Yes, the Journey can be helpful to some, but it also costs a lot of money. One needs to know what is "The Journey". It is NLP with new age spirituality. Brandon Bays had a tumor and through NLP the tumor was 'unblocked'. She then made this her business but added new age spirituality. Based on what I know, you can take Feldenkrais classes. Feldenkrais works on releasing emotions through body work and no need for new age spirituality.

(13)
Tina L,
October 24, 2011 10:58 AM

neglected daughter

emotionally my parents were not supportive and after a death in the family when I was a child I felt all alone with no one to support me (and of course as a child I didn't know how to ask someone from the outside) it was VERY difficult!
took years in therapy to fix.
i did not blame my parents since they obviously had a very hard time dealing with the death, but in reality it WAS their job to support their children or send them to counseling which they didn't do.
I am so grateful to Hashem that sent me to a wonderful therapist who helped me so much. I recommend some therapy to try and accept your past.
Recently my husband told off his dad about not being supportive or saying anything positive about him when growing up and now. My husband then felt guilty- I said- you spoke respectfully and it's good to have some cleansing talk so you can move on. Also I said- some people don't have that talk and cut off their parents from their life- that hurts more than anything else, better have that talk! I can see from the response here from Tzippi that i was correct.
So weather it's therapy a talk or both - there are ways to help us get over things.
Hatzlacha!

(12)
Anonymous,
October 24, 2011 10:40 AM

Sharing the pain, con'd.

Continued #2. Placing your focus on something that distracts you or demands your attention allows your body to regulate itself. Your body wants to find it's rhythm, you just have to give it the chance. There are various breathing techniques that you can use, too. Once you're calm, try to deal with the issue. If you find yourself in the same situation, stop and distract yourself again or breathe. You'll get better with this over time, so don't give up. #3 To the 15 yr old or anyone else that finds themselves listening to others problems, 1st, just be a good listener, that may be all they need. 2nd, keep in mind that you're listening to someone that may be in distress and their take on things may be slanted. Most people are their own worst enemy, because they get blinded by their own point of view and pain. Everyone should have someone that they feel comfortable with as a back up when they need a sounding board or sensible advice. I'd recommend someone that you feel comfortable with and that others seem to gravitate to when they have problems. You should have backup before someone comes to you with a crisis. Also, establish a good report with your friends' parents/families. Kids learn to value their parents more when they see other kids seeing their parents as people worth talking to. Parents also respect their kids' friends more when they talk to them. If your friends have problems, you may be able to help them simply by involving the parents, either directly or indirectly, but you have to know whom you're dealing with. Sometimes describing a problem as your own and asking the advice of those parents can elicit a response that is unbiased and will clue the parents in to what their own child needs. Don't use a problem that will have the parents telling their child not to be friends with you or get you into trouble. It's always best to encourage open dialogue. For the most part, your friends have no better advocates than their families. All the best.

(11)
Shulamis Mallet,
October 24, 2011 10:14 AM

Sharing the pain

Dear Emuna, great advice, as usual. I can relate, so I'll add a few things. #1 For the woman whose Mom was too busy, everyone has issues. If your Mom seemed "unavailable" to you, chances are she felt incapable of dealing with everything on her plate, and felt she was a failure in her private life. Since I don't know why she was a single Mom, I can't venture to guess what she was struggling with, in particular. You could try sublimating your feelings, but your best bet is to resolve them. Don't do it with anger. Check your feelings at the door. Remember, your doing this to improve the quality of your life, making someone else miserable or showering them with blame will only be a temporary fix. Go to her with an honest desire to understand and to make peace. If she won't discuss it with you or gets defensive, write her a letter describing your feelings. Leave the blame out. She may or may not answer you, but you'll feel better knowing that she knows how you feel. My guess is, however, that at some point it will lead to an improved relationship, as long as you don't let those emotions get the better of you. Be prepared though, to hear your Mom's side of things. There may be things about yourself that were difficult for your Mom to handle. She may have pulled back at times because she thought you were rejecting her. People go to unusual lengths to avoid pain. #2 To the anxiety sufferer, that's not a problem I have to deal with, thank G-d, but part of the reason is, that I learned when I was young what worked for me as a release for pressures that I didn't feel capable of handling. As someone whose parents were always busy because they were always trying to survive (holocaust survivors), I had to learn to fend for myself at a very young age. I was lucky that I always felt a very strong connection to G-d, so I never felt alone. G-d was always just a thought away. Some of the tools I that I found that helped were writing, exercise and music...... continuing on next comment

(10)
Anonymous,
October 24, 2011 9:48 AM

response to resentful of mother

You need to have trust that HaShem gives you exactly what you need, when you need it. For whatever reason that you may never fathom, you NEEDED precisely the mother you got. Focus instead on the things you gained -- a better understanding of what children crave from a parent, self-confidence in your ability to be self-sufficient, whatever. Then, retrain yourself to be grateful to her for those things. When you have done so, discuss the experience with her NON JUDGMENTALLY so that she can explain what was going on that kept her from giving you what you felt you were lacking. Then you can forgive her wholeheartedly and stop wasting the emotional energy of resentment.

(9)
Bonnie,
October 24, 2011 9:47 AM

The best cure for most 'ailments' is gratitude.
We need to set time aside each day just to indulge in gratitude. Maybe it is just a few minutes spent, but well worth the Super Cleansing Time of toxic thoughts.
Gratitude is so powerful that after awhile you will see other doors open, giving you insights into 'toxic problems'.
Once understanding flows, the toxic is neutered completely.

(8)
tzippy,
October 24, 2011 4:47 AM

I'm the mother

for some reason I will never know- my lovely'sweet easy to raise daughter, married with family-has cut me and my husband out of her life. I've lost my son-in law; and my grandcildren . I don't know of any problem we had similar or otherwise. I feel dead. Nobody can help me. I didn"t deserve this I'm sure your mom was coping with her problems the only way she knew how-please forgive her. Shes not the same person now that she was as a young mom. Give her a chance ot make it up to you and your family- she knows she made mistakes

(7)
j gross,
October 24, 2011 12:39 AM

mom not there

I to had a mom who wasnot there for me. I realized a long time ago that she did the best she could with what she could. I still love her nd she is gone for 14 years. I found I had to put my energies into being me and making the best of my life in spite of my losses. There is greater peace inside of me for moving on.

(6)
Cassandra Brown,
October 23, 2011 8:28 PM

I know how you feel

Mrs. Braveman, I ,know how you feel. I was adopred by moms-twice! The second adoptive mother resented and was jealous of me. I was beaten and verbally abused by her. She also allowed other to physically abuse me. She died a few years ago and I was the person who had to take care of her. For a long time I was angry, had nightmare about the beatings and arguements we had and the whole time my father did nothing. I saw a therapist, prayed and was able to forgive her because she had issues from her own life that hadn't been dealt with. My advice to you is get over it or it will kill you. You have to forgive and move on or the anger will take control. The only way to forgive is to understand where the person is coming from and love God more than yourself or the abuser.

(5)
Anonymous,
October 23, 2011 5:56 PM

I don't get it!

Mrs. Braverman, thank you for the wonderful, wise, answers. With respect to the first question, I must say that I am at a loss when it comes to some of the replies. (Maybe the question itself.) What period did we just go through? Surely just reading some of the material found on Aish would have been more than enough to remind us about our responsibility during Yom Kippur. Al-Chet prayer anyone?
Let me say that some day it will be too late for us all to look at the other. The very idea of forgiving your mother for her neglecting "you" based on what I read, is rather strange. I could also interpret that quite differently. Perhaps you as a 45 year old can interpret it favorably and not judge your mother so harshly. Maybe that would be showing your mother some respect. She did choose to have you, as a single mother. If you think that was easy then I beg to differ. Those harsh statements are horrible. Maybe you need forgiveness from your mother and just maybe there is something called transference at place. The same goes for some of the writers. I sure hope that your children do not judge you the same way. Shameful, I say! Our community, it seems, has brought up our children in such a way so that they have everything. The theme is entitlement. Well, that is not the way of Torah! So, grow up. Learn a bit of history of your people and you do not need to go far. If that is too hard then try reading a novel by Chaim Potok and you will get the flavor of what it was like. It seems to me that some of us need to be visiting some cancer wards or doing other charity work in order to see real life. Maybe then we shall get a better perspective on life. Then we shall ask for forgiveness for ourselves.

(4)
Anonymous,
October 23, 2011 5:19 PM

I would like to recommend a book that helped me to come to grips with my mother, and the pain I had to overcome in relation to my mother, the title is; "When you and your mother can't be friends', by Victoria Secunda

(3)
Anonymous,
October 23, 2011 3:52 PM

my mother is that 45 yr old resentful woman

my mom is that woman, at 74. my grandmother is 94. I just don't see that your advice is helpful. There's piece missing. How do you get to the place to even want to forgive?

Michy,
October 24, 2011 12:51 AM

Agreed

I think this was flippant advice. I am in a similar situation and trying to accept what is, not forgive. The woman needs a therapist to figure out the best path forward for herself.

Anonymous,
October 24, 2011 1:06 PM

there are selfish people in the world

and I think that my grandmother was one of them. It takes a big person to "reframe" and give the benefit of the doubt to someone who goes against "nature" and does not nurture and care for her children but rather indulges and caters to her own needs and wants first. My grandmother left my mom at a young age to pursue her own life because she was bored at home. In 1940 that was unheard of. my mom lived with the stigma of divorced parents all her life. My grandmother is still a "me first" person and complains that we don't do enough for her. She was never "doing the best she could with what she had"; she was only involved with herself and her own good time. She had everything her way, the rest of us suffered-my mom from her neglect, and me from not having a mother that could love me. I attached myself to G-d to heal. My mother and grandmother won't do that. I 'm having to deal with my mother's anger. She directs it at me sometimes, she projects her feelings at me and makes me out to be like my grandmother! which is pretty crazy. My grandmother made a crack in our family that can't seem to get back together again, but I've at least been able with G-d's help to prevent the pain from progressing another generation. I have the feeling that my mom won't be able to resolve this until her mom dies. any way, the original letter writer--you have my compassion and I hope G-d can help you resolve your pain and heal you completely.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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