Republican Congressman Proposes National-Security Role for Uterus

ST. LOUIS (The Borowitz Report)—Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin doubled down on his controversial remarks about the female body today, proposing a prominent national-security role for the uterus.

“From what I understand, there’s nothing that the uterus doesn’t know,” Rep. Akin told a reporter on KTVI-TV. “It’s almost like Spider-Man’s ‘spidey sense,’ if you will, except the tingling goes on down in the lady parts.”

Rep. Akin said that given the uterus’ extraordinary powers of detection, the female reproductive system should be America’s secret weapon in the war on terror.

“If we posted a uterus at every airport and a bunch of them along the border, I would just love to see an evildoer get past defenses like that,” he said. “Not gonna happen, folks. Nothing fools a uterus.”

Rep. Akin closed his interview with what he called “the highest praise and respect” for the female reproductive system.

“Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I was as smart as a uterus,” he said. _