How to Not Care What Others Think of You

I’m sick of putting my needs and wants last. I was raised to always be the ‘good’ little girl who cared a lot what others thought of her. For my whole life I seem to have been crippled by the fear of what others will say/think of me. I get paranoid that others will gossip about me or judge me behind my back. So I always try to avoid this by being a people-pleaser. It’s so damn tiring.

But now I’m in a position where I can pursue a dream of mine – to be an artist. But my friends don’t support me, and my family thinks I’m making a big mistake. I constantly feel like they’re talking behind my back about me.

What can you do to learn how to not care what others think of you? Please help Luna and Sol.

If you also struggle with this, please read on.

How to Not Care What Others Think of You

I want to start off by saying this:

It is impossible to stop caring what others think of you.

I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear. But flipping the middle finger at others is tantamount to a teenager throwing a tantrum. Even behavior that screams “I don’t give a f*ck what you think of me!” is still placing importance in what others think indirectly. This kind of behavior is still deeply influenced by what other people think, because otherwise, why would there be reason to react?

Biologically speaking, caring what other people think of us has helped us to grow, evolve and stay alive as a species. Not only that, but caring what other people think can also be beneficial. When you are receptive towards a person’s thoughts and feelings, you learn a lot about yourself and also the other person. I will explain this point more in-depth very soon.

But first, I also want to say this:

Caring what people think of you is not the same as letting it rule your life.

In other words, there is a difference between caring what other’s think and permitting it to dominate you.

Caring what other’s think becomes dangerous when it dictates your every decision, thought and feeling about yourself.

When we allow other people’s opinions and beliefs to control our lives, we become trapped. We feel pressured by our own insecurity to live up to other’s expectations. We become self-denying people-pleasers. Consequently, we feel unfulfilled and bitter towards ourselves and others.

But you don’t have to feel this way. And yes, you CAN care what people think about you and NOT let it ruin your life.

Here’s how:

1. Look for the lesson

So your siblings scoff at your dreams. What is the lesson to be learned here? Instead of blindly reacting to what they say, notice how you feel. Belittled, angry, embarrassed? Perhaps the lesson to be learned here is that feeling offended is OK, but you can still move on. Or the lesson may be that your siblings feel threatened by your happiness because they are unhappy themselves.

Sometimes other people are genuinely trying to help us. Here’s an example: You’re ready to go to a job interview. Your mother comments how slutty your dress looks. While her comment may have come across as harsh, in reality she may have been trying to prevent you from messing up a great opportunity.

Remember that what people think about you is often a reflection of them, but not always. So pay attention. Look for the lesson.

2. People are more obsessed with themselves than they are with you

It’s quite simple: people don’t care about you as much as you think they do! People don’t really care: they’re just curious. This could either be a reason to mourn, or a reason to celebrate. I prefer to think of it as a positive because it reminds you of the tremendous freedom you have.

You’ve got a degree? Good job. Nobody cares.

You’re getting engaged? How exciting! Nobody cares.

What’s that? You’re polyamorous? Nobody cares.

The truth is that it’s rare for a person to be more interested in you than they are in themselves. Our egos love to think that we are the center of the universe. This is at the very root of paranoia. But in reality we aren’t.

3. What’s the worst case scenario – really?

By the off-chance someone gossips about you or makes a snarky comment, so what? What’s the worst that can happen?

Even if you do feel terribly self-conscious and embarrassed, the feeling will only be temporary. And you will come away proud that you have been true to yourself.

4. Let go of the illusion that you can control what others think

People will judge you. People will whisper about you. People will hate you. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

Yes, you can strive to please each and every person who comes into your life, but do you really think you can avoid judgment? Every single person on the face of the planet has been judged by another. You are no special or different from the rest.

Letting go of the illusion of control takes conscious effort as often this habit is unconscious. Therefore whenever you’re in a difficult situation, you may like to repeat as a mantra, “I surrender control. I love the person I am.”

5. Learn how to respond to naysayers

I remember that a major source of angst for me in the past was that I didn’t know how to respond to critical people. How do you keep your cool in the face of disparaging comments and reactions? It took me a while to realize that the best way to respond was acknowledging the other person’s thoughts, but still standing my ground.

Here’s an example: “I understand that you think my dislike of alcohol sucks, but that’s the person I am.” Being assertive in the face of naysayers also requires repeating yourself sometimes, e.g. “I prefer to stay here. I know you want me to go. But I will be staying here. I need to work.”

6. You’re allowed to make mistakes: it’s human

If you care too much about what others think, you’ll likely be a perfectionist. You’ll probably have extremely high expectations of yourself and you’ll likely find it hard to forgive yourself. But remember this: everyone at some point in life obsesses over how others perceive them. Accept this reality without beating yourself up. You’re allowed to make mistakes: you’re human. You set the rules in life remember.

So next time you’re worrying about what people think, be kind with yourself. None of us are perfect, nor can we ever be.

7. Rediscover your own voice

The importance we put in the voices of others often smothers out our own. What would your authentic voice, personality, and life look like? Spend time exploring this question and strive to fulfill your discoveries.

8. Life is too short

Finally, taking a big-picture perspective helps immensely with caring too much about what other’s think. You could die any day … do you really want to spend your life wound up pleasing others? On your deathbed, will people’s opinions really matter? No, they won’t. Aim to live life to the fullest so you have no regrets.

Shadow Work Journal:

Go on a journey through the deepest and darkest corners of your psyche. Embrace your inner demons, uncover your hidden gifts, and reach the next level of your spiritual growth. This is deep and powerful work!

Lao Tzu once said,

Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.

Thankfully, we can escape that prison with enough focused effort.

Be gentle with yourself, respect others, but also honor your own voice. Picture what your life will be like when you don’t allow other’s thoughts to dominate you. It’s nice, isn’t it? Work towards that. You can do it.

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About Aletheia Luna

Aletheia Luna is an influential psychospiritual writer whose work has changed the lives of thousands of people worldwide. After escaping the religious sect she was raised in, Luna experienced a profound existential crisis that led to her spiritual awakening. As a spiritual counselor, diviner, and author, Luna's mission is to help others become conscious of their entrapment and find joy, empowerment, and liberation in any circumstance. [Read More]

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Gossip and or a rumor is not as benign as portrayed in the list. A rumor heard and repeated can be devastating and ruin a person’s life. Do not take it lightly when you are about to repeat something you were told and did not see for yourself. Even seeing something can be misinterpreted. Best to not share stories about others unless it is something good.

It may be you they are whispering about and everyone has heard it except you and that does not feel very good at all.

Great article. Would love to add one more point to it. I have found that much of the time when people are poo’pooing something that you want to do, it usually comes from a place of fear or envy. They will say it comes from a place of love so my suggestion, when someone is being negative around your choices, ask yourself ‘where is this coming from? What are my choices bringing up for them?’ From there, you can really begin to observe the person. What dreams have they forgone in their life? What journey did they not pursue which might have made them happier with their life? From this place, you can let go of anger towards them and understand that your choices may be bringing up fear or old dreams that they may have been told not to bother with.
Keep up with the art. That creative beast is calling for you. It doesn’t matter what it turns into and you’ll find in time, that others will show up who will be happy to encourage you and those who were poo’pooing you will get used to the idea and see that your choices are not really asking them to change, so they will end up supporting you too!
Thanks Sol and Luna for this article. You guys are awesome. I absolutely love your stuff and hope that if I come to Perth, I’ll somehow bump into you!

Hi everyone. I’m confused about a situation and maybe you can help me: I have a friend who has helped me a lot in life and I consider her a role model. She’s an older lady who has accomplished a lot . She started acting distant out of nowhere. I went up to her and asked her why she was acting different and she said everything was okay, but it wa not. I asked her again and she said she felt I was ” hiding things from her”. The truth is that I am going through a a process right now and she keeps asking me about it and telling me what to do. I backed off a little bit because I want to be able to do things my way. I am not “hiding” anything, but if I was, am I not entitled to keep some things to myself? Do I have to share everything with friends? Is that a controlling behavior? Please shed some light! I don’t want to lose my friend but I also feel like sometimes she’s just too much! Thank you!

It seems that both of you have very different definitions of what friendship means, Katherine. You may like to share with her a few feelings, but not too much that it becomes overwhelming. You are allowed to have boundaries, but if she cares about you, she will want to know what is happening to you. This is not necessarily controlling behavior. So make sure you use open communication to talk with her. She has her own needs as you do yours. Remember that

While reading this I had a flashback. I was 10 years old and my two close best friends (I cared what they think), sent me an email. Saying they found another friend to their trio and didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I’m too weird not cool enough. Then it flashed 6 years later where I worked at McDonald’s a whole new city and different best friend who crushed my heart also with a letter saying I cared too much. She walked in to my work and decided to bring her two other friends. They choose to sit right in front of the counter. Too feed off of my break down. I was already in complete devastation losing a best friend. After all these meltdowns trying to keep a friend. It’s 10 years later and now I choose to not have any friends. Caring what people think is devastating but people crushing what you do care about is torture.
Thanks for reading.

Losing “friends” such as that sounded absolutely devastating Helena. And I hope you are slowly repairing yourself and learning to love your own beautiful intensity. I had similar experiences when I was young. I also cared too much. But shutting myself off and refusing to make any more friends wasn’t the answer either. It only left me in a perpetually broken state. I hope that eventually you can open your heart to another person worthy of your affection.
xx

World as we know it is full of people who aspire, but do not inspire.
Who achieve things, but can’t see other’s achieve anything significant.

Such people are the reason why we have a world, where everyone is trying to push us down if we achieve anything of some value.

Let go of people who even once tried to put you in a position where you doubted yourself.
I am speaking from personal experience, the moment you let them out, from your mind, is the time you realise the positivity flowing back in.

Be nice to them, smile at them, and say Ciao!

Trust me it works.

A big thanks to LonerWolf! What you are doing is changing lives of many. Thank you :)

One of the hardest things you may ever do is let go of (or actively cut out) people from your life who belittle, shame, or don’t believe in you. Sometimes that means losing every person you know! But what you say is so true Harpreet. Thank you!

Florencia,
You don’t know me, but let me tell you something. Pursue your dream. Do what you love and what drives you. Don’t be like so many others and just do, what everybody does. It’s so boring and dull and conformistic. You love Art? Than do art! What do you do? I am interested.
I’m also very into Art. Literature, paintings, photography… Art is the most beautiful thing in the world. To dedicate your life to art is maybe the highest thing, that you can do.
Hold on to yourself. You must have a good believe in yourself. Don’t let it be knocked down by all the pessimistic people around you. They only say that, because they are too afraid to do their thing. I can see that every day. All those dreams, but nobody does a thing for it.

So much wisdom here oozing from your words! I like the point you make about how people tend to be threatened by those who choose to live, rather than simply exist in a living dead state. It can be an immensely lonely path, and only those who support your expansion are worth keeping around. Sometimes that may mean cutting ties with old friends, partners or even family members. But it’s worth it.

Oooh no… that is so not cool. You are very brave to be so authentic here knowing that.
Really it isn’t something easy and simple.

I’m sometimes feel very paranoid for social networks like facebook, or public things and share some personal info (I feel better if is not so open or public).
Like at first, comment in this page. It will be there forever! :s haha (at least in facebook then “disappear”). I believe that I am feeling better about that.

But the thing is that no matter how real the threat is, the worst thing that one can do is to try to avoid harm. It is disempowering, the effects are worse, and you don’t have the benefits of open up, that are so powerful.

Harm can’t be really avoided and is not meant to be avoided. The best thing is processing and healing it, as fast or deep as you can.
And then, yes, move forward freely.

I totally agree with Luna. I don’t know this happened to you or not (it happened to me tho), but if you are sensitive enough, you probably have known yourself better than anyone. You can predict what will people say about you and before they told you about it for you, you already accepted and embraced it.
On the other side, People help us to get to know ourselves better because they judge. My suggest? Just keep smiling :)

That’s the benefit of being sensitive: you can predict what people will say before they say things. It’s actually quite a handy gift, particularly when paired with complete surrender/acceptance. Thanks so much for reading Iqbal!

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About Us

Walk the path less traveled

Our names are Aletheia Luna and Mateo Sol and we currently live in Perth, Western Australia.

Our mission is to help others embrace the path of the lone wolf and listen to the soul’s calling. Our goal is to provide a grounded and balanced perspective of spirituality that doesn’t bypass the raw, real, and messy aspects of spiritual growth or psychological development.

We are deeply drawn to exploring and exposing both the light and shadow side of human nature and spirituality. We strive towards integration, balance, wholeness, and embracing both the sacred and wild aspects of being human. Read more.