For some parents and teachers, conference time is an uncomfortable, awkward or stressful exchange of information. But it doesn’t have to be. With a little preparation, you can turn your parent-teacher conference into a productive dialogue that actually helps your child.

Most public schools today sandwich parent-teacher conferences into a revolving door of fifteen-minute blocks. Knowing you’re one of 12 meetings in 3 hours or that the next-in-line parent is peering through the classroom door window waiting their turn is not the ideal situation to build connections with your child’s teacher. But a parent-teacher conference is an important touch point. Making time to attend the meeting also sends a critical message to your kids – and their teachers – that you’re involved with and care about your child’s education.

If you can’t make the proposed conference times, email the teacher and politely request another option. By union contract, parents must have access to their child’s teacher to discuss academic progress at a time that mutually works for both of you – and it must be conducted in the parent’s preferred language.

Listen Well and Respect Both Experts

As the parent, you have in-depth knowledge of your child that a teacher can’t possibly acquire in a few weeks or months. Remember, you are your child’s first teacher. You’re the expert on his strengths, quirks, and what makes her tick. On the flip side, your child’s teacher is trained to know what is socially, emotionally, and academically appropriate at this grade level and knows your child best in a group setting. Respect both positions and listen carefully. Take notes. Listen to what is said and what is not said. The more sharing that happens – the more candid and respectful the dialogue between teacher and parent – the more likely your child will thrive this school year.

Use P3: What Positive, Professional and Persistent looks like:

If you follow the Power of P3, you’re more likely to get your concerns addressed and your child’s needs met. Start out POSITIVE (I’m confident we can resolve this situation together; or Luke loves it when you use baseball examples in class). Be PROFESSIONAL (Polite and Respectful in your Observations and Feelings). This means keeping your language focused on your child’s feelings or your own feelings and observations rather than what the teacher or another child is doing or not doing. (I’m concerned…Aidan is feeling overwhelmed…Jamie seems to be struggling with the reading homework….Henry doesn’t feel safe in the cafeteria…Kara is very unhappy with her seat change). Finally, be PERSISTENT when necessary. P3 doesn’t mean you are superficial or avoid problems. It’s a tool that helps you bring up issues so teachers hear your concerns and take action rather than feel blamed and defend their previous actions.

Here are some questions to keep things positive and focused on solutions for your child vs. criticizing or attacking the teacher. I’ve organized them into three groups depending on whether your child is 1) doing well, 2) struggling, or 3) needing more of a challenge. Not all kids fall cleanly into one group. If you have a specific concern you know you want to talk about, send a short email to your child’s teacher in advance. Teachers appreciate a focused discussion as much as you do.

For the Child Doing “Fine”:

Jackie is doing well academically; how is she doing socially?

Do Jake’s classmates see him as a leader or a follower? How is he getting along with his friends? Is their one child he is spending more time with?

I’m wondering if Rachel is performing up to her ability; how can we be sure?

Do you see any area that Harry can improve upon? What makes him spark?

Do you have a sense of Mollie’s work ethic? Her attitude toward learning?

What are Joe’s strengths? Weaknesses? What subjects does he gravitate toward?

Have you noticed any other interests that could be encouraged?

If Morgan was your child, what would you ask that I haven’t?

For the Child Struggling:

I’d like to understand the grade level that Jamie is performing at in reading (or math) and how that compares to grade-level benchmarks.

How often are reading fluency tests given? May I see the results for the past year (s)?

What do you see as the problems or factors contributing to this situation?

Does Luke stay focused or does he need frequent reminders to finish his work?

What other support does the school offer if Sarah is not on a special plan?

What kind of reading instruction support does Sam need? Is it in phonics, fluency, or comprehension? Does the support he gets now focus on this specific area?

At what point would Lucy be tested? What is involved in the testing?

What can we do at home to support these efforts? How often should we do this?

I’m wondering what else we can do to make sure Jill doesn’t fall further behind?

What strengths does Connor have that we can tap to shore up weaknesses?

How does Alex work in small groups? Does she participate in class?

When can we meet again to monitor and follow-up on Chris’ progress?

For the Child Who Needs More Challenge:

We’ve noticed Abby finishes her homework quickly; are you seeing this in class?

We’re feeling that Philip may need some additional challenges? What are your thoughts on that?

What subjects does Annie excel in and what areas can she improve upon?

What can I do as a parent at home to support Mathew’s curiosity in science?

How is Andrew socially? Does he participate in class? How do his friends interact with him?

Is Tamika a candidate for the school’s gifted program? Should she be tested?

Do you see kids that Charlie might be grouped with so he is more challenged?

If there is disagreement: I’d like to offer my point of view on why I disagree with this assessment of Julia. Could you help me better understand your point of view?

If your discussion has focused on taking action for your child’s struggles or providing more challenge, then a follow-up meeting may be in order. It might make sense to set up monthly touch points until you’re feeling more comfortable that your child is on track. Or dialogue by email. Do what feels right in your gut and what works for both you and the teacher. But don’t let issues slide; they’ll only get worse.

Much of your success in being involved with your child’s education hinges on how effectively you communicate with the teachers and school staff. If you communicate in a positive, professional way, keeping the focus on your child’s feelings and needs, you are more likely to be successful. If you don’t succeed the first time around, reevaluate and be persistent. Follow up in a positive, professional way using a slightly different approach. Remember that educators, like parents, are busy people. Give them a reasonable amount of time to get back to you. If they don’t, put the Power of P3 to use again. You’ll find if you do this consistently, your efforts will pay off, and your child will thrive.

For more information on parent involvement, or to buy The Parent Backpack for Kindergarten through Grade 5, visit www.theparentbackpack.com.

I’m halfway through my fall book tour for The Parent Backpack for Kindergarten through Grade - completing my ninth out of 18 talks this week. It’s been energizing to see so many parents engaged in their kids’ education. While each talk has been different – from bookstores to schools to libraries – the questions that bubble up are similar, so I thought I’d share some of them here.

One question that comes up more than any other is, “Should I talk to the teacher about this (insert situation) – and if yes, how do I do that???”

The situations range from “my son doesn’t want to go to school in the morning,” or “my child is feeling bullied by some kids at lunch,” to “my daughter is really distracted by what’s going on in the classroom,” or “my son has become friends with a kid who’s not a good influence.” In most cases, if a situation or an issue has caused you to ask yourself more than once, “should I mention this to the teacher?” then the answer is probably “yes.” But how you go about this makes a difference.

Teachers want to know

Most teachers appreciate a heads up when something isn’t going well, feels out of sync, or is causing your child stress. More often than not, this “something” falls in a child’s social-emotional world. And that’s ok because the social/emotional part of school is just as important as academics. When kids feel disconnected socially or emotionally, their learning suffers. Teachers know this and would prefer to hear your concerns sooner than later so they can work to resolve the situation before it becomes a bigger, more complicated issue.

How to bring it up

If you’re familiar with my work, you’ve read or heard about the Power of P3 (chapter 5 of my book – Words that Work with Teachers). P 3 means being Positive, PROFessional and Persistent so your child’s teacher hears your concerns and takes action rather than feels attacked and defends prior actions.

Start out with a Positive statement (I’m concerned about x, and I’m confident we can work this out), be Polite and Respectful in your Observations and Feelings (PROFessional) and keep them focused on your child (Alex feels anxious about coming to school, Sam doesn’t feel safe at lunch, Lindsey feels overwhelmed in the classroom and can’t focus on her work, I’m concerned about Jake’s new friendship) and be Persistent in following up as needed (using P3 each time).

If you’re fuming mad about something related to school and your child, it’s ok to get it all down in an email – but don’t send it to the teacher. Convey your thoughts to your spouse, a trusted friend, or your mom. It’s important to channel your own emotions first so you can refocus your energy on communicating effectively with the teacher. If you do send an email, use P3 and keep it brief. Emails are best to give a heads up, resolve a simple situation, or to agree on a time to talk about an issue, if needed.

Common Core

You may have heard about changing curriculum in your child’s school. The Common Core is basically a new set of standards that 45 out of 50 states have adopted for math and literacy, from K-12. This means the majority of kids in the country will now be taught the same knowledge in each grade but the strategies and materials schools and teachers use to teach these standards will vary by district. Some of the changes you’ll see in your child’s work this year will be more writing, more non-fiction reading and more understanding in math (show how you got this answer).

The Common Core will also trigger new standardized tests. Beginning in the 2014-15 school year, your child will take a test called PARCC or Smarter Balanced depending on which state you live in, which will replace the state by state tests. For more information about the Common Core, click here.

The Parent Tool Kit

This past week, ABC ran their annual program, Education Nation. While often criticized for being political and driven by Bill Gates and Pearson Testing, this program does offer some good perspective on the state of education in our country. This year, Education Nation provided a Parent Tool Kit that some parents have asked me about.

If you dare to check out the Common Core website, you’d come away with your head spinning. The Parent Tool Kit gives parents a terrific user-friendly summary of what kids will be expected to know at each grade level in math and literacy – and what you can do to support this learning. But I offer one caveat:

Making connections at home to what our kids are learning in school is one of the most important things we can do to enhance learning. But be careful that those connections don’t become another lesson. Keep them fun and casual – one statement that reiterates what the teacher states in a newsletter, a question about a book your child is reading, or helping your kids memorize math facts are all good supports. Drilling your children on each benchmark listed before they complete a grade or making a check list of what they know and don’t know will turn kids off and demotivate learning.

Every once in a while, I read something about connecting with our kids that stops me in my tracks.

I’m reprinting an article today that did just that. It reminds me how important the little (and the not-so-little) things are to our kids – and to life. Rachel Martin of findingjoy.net wrote this piece. It appeared in the Huffington Post last week. Thank you, Rachel, for this reminder:

20 Things I Will Not Regret Doing with My Kids

1. Tucking them into bed at night. Someday, they’ll be too big and I won’t get that moment back. Saying goodnight, pulling up the covers and kissing their heads is a gift.

2. Telling them I love them. Start this when they’re young. “I love you” is a powerful three-word phrase that matters.

3. Listening to their stories. Their stories teach me about them and their hearts and what they love. I think of their stories as a way to learn more about them. And this is the real listening, not the distracted mom who wants to move onto the next thing on her never-ending to-do list.

4. Looking them in their eyes. Nothing tells another person you matter more than looking at them in the eyes while they talk. It shows that what they are saying truly is important to you. I want my kids to remember that there were times when their mother looked them in the eye and smiled. And for me, this often means shutting my laptop, putting down my phone, taking a break from my my to-do list and just giving them time.

5. Saying “yes” when it’s easier to say “no.” Like those times when I just want to keep to my agenda and they want to join in. Or for those late-night sleepovers. Or those times when I am simply tired and don’t want to walk up the stairs to say goodnight. Or for the extra story. Or to play a game. “Yes” simply matters.

6. Showing them new things. I can read to my kids about history or I can start to show them history. In August, when Grace, my 12-year-old, and I were in Mexico, it was such a cool experience to show Grace the Mayan ruins in Tulum. Now, I’m not saying go to Mexico, but there are things we can show them. Do science. Look at the stars. Go to the museum. Let them learn and see the world.

8. Letting them help even if it means it takes longer for me. Does it take longer to wash the windows if I’m teaching my children how to wash the windows? Yes. Same with laundry, cooking, cleaning, folding and more. But they need to learn — these are life skills. I would be doing them a disservice by NOT teaching them and letting them help.

9. Saying “no” to things even when it would be easier to say “yes.” There are movies and television shows that I don’t let my kids watch. Books that I want them to wait to read. iPods and computers that are only allowed on the main level. Sometimes, the answer needs to be “no” — even if everyone else’s answer seems to be yes.

10. Laughing with them. Or smiling with them. Or having fun with them. I simply want them to know I love being around them. This is the aspect of liking my kids, not just loving them. I want them to know both.

11. Making them learn the value of work. I want my kids to know that work matters and that a good work ethic — where you go above and beyond and don’t complain — is an excellent skill. My kids know how to do laundry, to sweep the floor, to bring their dishes over, to clean their rooms, to make their beds and so on. I will never regret teaching them the value of work.

12. Rocking them to sleep. Holding their hand. Giving them a kiss. I love them. Even after those days where they drive me a bit crazy and I wonder what in the world I’m doing. Those little acts of love are important life acts of love.

13. Saying I’m sorry. Because let’s face it — I’m not perfect. I mess up. I make mistakes. So, they need to hear me say I’m sorry and that I love them and that they’re important to me. So, that means sometimes I will say “I’m sorry.”

14. Teaching them to be respectful of others. This. And this again. And this. I want my kids to respect others. To listen to them, to learn and to not judge. This starts with me teaching them this skill and me being respectful of them. Often, it is looking for the good first and giving grace.

15. Encouraging them to take risks. Sometimes, the fear is the biggest obstacle. Kids need to learn to look at the fear and to push through the fear.

16. Not holding onto a record of wrongs. Each day is a new day. Learn from the past, but don’t hold onto the past. I want to see the good first and not all the negative — so often, that means letting go of the record of wrongs.

17. Letting them see me thrive. I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking I was a good mom, but a not-too-happy and joyful mom. They need to see me thrive and be interested in things and expand my creativity as well.

18. Teaching them compassion. I want them to see the world beyond me and ourselves. I want them to give back, to care about others and to be a person of change.

19. Showing them that the stuff doesn’t matter. Nothing in Target really matters. Nor the stuff on the shelves. Or the clothes one wears. Or the fancy birthday parties. If the stuff clouds the vision then the relationships are lost. Relationships first. Stuff after that.

20. Letting them grow up.Sigh. This. It has to be done. So, I look back with nostalgia, embrace today and look forward to tomorrow. They’ll grow. And I’ll savor the moments that we’re blessed to share.

Those are just 20 things I won’t regret doing with my kids. Simple things, really. They’re the living intentional type things that sometimes just need to be written down.

Ever wonder why one of your kids can recite spelling words orally while another needs to write them down?

It’s because we humans use different senses to process information - better known as learning styles.

Understanding and honoring how your child learns can make a big difference, at school and at home. A learning style refers to how a person best processes and comprehends information. A child’s learning style also affects listening skills, comprehension, homework, and studying skills. Showing your kids how to tap their strengths as a learner is a skill they’ll keep for a lifetime.

Three primary types of learning styles – visual-spatial, auditory-language, and kinesthetic-physical – are widely recognized based on the original research by David Kolb. Most children (and adults) learn in a combination of ways but lean toward one type. See if you can recognize your child in one or more of these learning styles.

Visual-Spatial Learners remember best through what they see. They visualize words as images and learn best through pictures – creating an image or watching a video. They tend to like charts, diagrams, maps and puzzles. Visual learners prefer to write things down and watch rather than talk or act in class. The can be well–organized and tend to like reading. They usually notice details. They may lose patience when oral explanations go on too long. They are sometimes accused of daydreaming in class as they visualize what they are hearing or thinking. Telling a young visual learner we’re leaving in 10 minutes will not be processed as well as showing them on the clock that when the big hand gets on the 6 we are leaving.

Visual learners study best by flashcards, creating pictures in their mind, writing out questions and answers, and making lists. They will usually need to write out spelling words when tested.

Auditory-Language Learners process best through what they hear. They think in words and sounds and prefer to verbalize ideas. They still need to hear things more than once but are more apt to retain what they hear by repeating it to themselves. They’re more likely to remember jokes and have an excellent memory for dates, names, faces and trivia. Auditory learners usually like word games and prefer to listen to books while reading along. They can be heard talking to themselves, humming or whispering while they read. They participate in class discussions and often find noise distracting because they are processing it all.
Auditory learners like to be quizzed on spelling words orally. But it’s also a good idea to give them a written pre-test so they can adjust to writing down the words on class tests. Let them know it’s ok to whisper the letters aloud as they write. They enjoy hearing facts and words in a rhythmic song or acronym so they can process it better.

Kinesthetic – Physical Learners learn best by what they do and experience. They like to move around and are not able to sit still for long. They tend to lose interest if they’re not actively involved in doing something physical. They like to touch, feel, and use their hands to process information and learn best through experiential, hands on activities. Kinesthetic learners often need physical stimulation like chewing gum, rocking or walking around. They are sometimes labeled ADHD (even when they’re not) and tend to be naturally athletic. Kinesthetic learners prefer books with action and may find the act of writing notes helpful during a lesson because it keeps them physically busy.

They are more likely to get through homework with fewer battles if it’s broken up into chunks. Maybe 10-15 minutes before soccer practice and then another 10-15 minutes after. This may not be ideal for a parent who wants it done before the next activity, but it taps a child’s learning style.

Remember, most children (and adults) learn in a combination of ways but lean toward one style. If you’re having trouble identifying your child’s approach to learning, take this quiz with your child. Once you fully understand how your child learns, share this information with their teachers – especially if you sense the teacher and your child are not connecting. Share examples you’ve used that help you connect with your child. You can do this on the forms that the school sends out, in a note, or face to face.

An effective teacher will teach using a combination of styles. Keep in mind it’s important for kids to be able to adapt to other styles of learning and processing. As they get older, their learning styles will also begin to evolve.

I can’t believe I’m reading a review of The Parent Backpack in Parents Magazine!

Can I get any luckier? Here’s what Parents magazine writer Kristen Kemp wrote on page 18 of the September back-to-school issue:

Every so often, I run across a book so good it belongs on every family’s shelf. That’s the case with The Parent Backpack for Kindergarten through Grade 5: How to Support Your Child’s Education, End Homework meltdowns, and Build Parent-Teacher Connections.

Author ML Nichols, director of nonprofit The Parent Connection, has written a guide for surviving and thriving in elementary school. She explains the system – from testing to special education to how administrators choose your kids’ next teacher. Best of all, she outlines whet to expect academically at different ages, defines fancy edu-terms, and offers advice for advocating for your child. Hopefully, you won’t need to contact the teacher and principal often – bit if you do, this book provides fantastic strategies.

THANK YOU Parents magazine and Kristen Kemp for this awesome review! And thank you, once again, to all the amazing teachers, parents, writers, friends and family who helped me make this book the best it could be. This would not have happened without you!

These next couple weeks will be exciting and nerve-wracking as kids and parents face a new school year. If you’d like to take a peek at the first chapter of The Parent Backpack for Kindergarten through Grade 5, you can do that here on my “Look Inside” pages.

Better yet, if you’d like to buy a copy for yourself or someone you know, click on any outlet in the top right corner of this page. The Parent Backpack for Kindergarten through Grade 5 is available in paperback or as an e-book.

More than anything else, kids need time to play, especially in the summer months when unstructured time is abundant. Play is how children learn. How they process, discover, and master life skills. [Read more...]