Saturday, April 5, 2014

I bought it in early 2008, which puts it at about 200 years old in computer years.

As I was cleaning out and organizing my files to be transferred over, I found a document from last year titled "Anthony vs Mountain Lion." I totally forgot I made it. It's the recorded history of my epic quest to update my almost-obsolete computing machine.

In July 2012, the Mountain Lion operating system was released. It took me 8 months to get it installed on my computer. 8 months. Sometimes I wonder why I don't get more things done - but this has to be why. Two-thirds of a year to check off one task.

Once it was finished, I was in such disbelief at the ridiculousness of the process that I had to write it down.

This is that story.

I don't think I've ever shared it with anyone. I'll warn you that it's long, and quite tedious. But perhaps you can relate to your own technological experience that made you lose a few hairs and break down in tears. Haven't we all had one of these?

How to Install Mountain Lion, in 42 easy steps

Excitedly check Apple site every day for release
of Apple’s newest OS X: Mountain Lion.

On the day it’s released, try to download it.

Find out that you can’t download it because you
have such an old, ancient version of OS X.

Drive all the way to Apple Store to buy any
newer version; they are no longer available. Everything has gone digital.

After exploring different options, call friend
Robert who used to work at Apple. Robert has the files you need and agrees to
give them to you.

On Thanksgiving, as you are driving to Phoenix,
Robert is driving the opposite direction to Tucson. As you talk to him on the
phone, you probably pass each other on the freeway. Wait for another
opportunity to exchange files.

The next day, on Black Friday, go to mall and
buy 16G USB drive on sale that you will use to load files.

Leave mall to go meet Robert at his house, but
then realize you need your things from your brother’s apartment. Return to mall
to get brother’s key, go to brother’s apartment, pack up stuff, return to mall
again and repark (on Black Friday) and sprint in to return key, sprint back to
car, then finally get on freeway to Robert’s house.

5 minutes from destination, get call from Robert
that he is leaving his house. It would take too long anyway. He is going to a
cocktail bar 30 minutes away and invites you to join. Decide what the heck and
keep driving to the bar.

Meet
Robert and give him the flash drive. Meet his friends. Take a picture with his
friends and post to Instagram and Facebook.

Get
into Facebook chat with Robert’s friends from Spain after they comment on
posted picture.

Imagine
going to Spain because that would be a pretty cool way to spend New Year’s.

Two days later as you leave town, get
flash drive with Mountain Lion files back from Robert. Decorate Christmas tree
with his mom and family.

Try to ignore the growing thought about
going to Spain because it’s crazy.

Before
installing Mountain Lion back at home, decide that you need to back up your
computer first. Try to save money and don’t buy a new hard drive, but use the
hard drives you already have or ask friends if they know of any cheaper
options. Even though a new hard drive only costs $80-$120, allow this to
effectively stall your efforts and wish for something cheap or free to
magically fall into your lap.

Officially
distracted from your original goal, which has not been achieved because you
don’t want to spend $100, buy a more-than $1,000 plane ticket to
Spain. Fail to see the irony in this.

Enjoy
your trip to Spain. Wonder how you ever could have doubted that it was a good
idea to go.

After
returning to reality, wait a few more months trying to avoid spending money on
a hard drive, because you are recovering from your travel expenses.

Sit down one day and actually look-up how
much memory you have in hard drives. Write those numbers down. Then look up and
write down how much memory you need. Comparing the two numbers side by side,
understand clearly that you don’t have enough and just need to buy a new hard
drive.

Research
for 2 days – find a great deal, spending half what you expected in order to get
twice as much as you wanted. Tell yourself that the wait was worth it. Keep
telling yourself that.

Set up external hard drive. Back up all
your files, which takes about 6 hours.

Try
to download Snow Leopard. Message says you need to burn it to a DVD.

Get
a DVD, only to realize the file is too big. You need what’s called a Dual Layer
DVD.

Go
to store and buy pack of Dual Layer DVDs.

Try
to burn onto Layer DVD. Message says laser can’t read it.

Look
up message text and read that the laser can’t write to the disc because of
dust. Site says get a compressed air can to blow out dust.

Buy
a can of compressed air. Blow the smithereens out of the DVD drive.

Try
to burn Dual Layer DVD again. Give up hope on it after third try.

Try
out on brother’s computer. Drive to mom’s house and use her computer. Try
step-dad’s computer. Realize your flash drive is formatted to a Mac and so
those won’t work. Ask around for a newer Mac. Call friends and family. Run into
all dead ends. Wonder why you have it so rough.

Go
to University to use their Mac lab. Get asked for current university username
and password. Text 4 friends desperately asking them if you can use their username
and password. Get turned down, because who would give out their personal
password. Leave university exasperated.

Through
online research, tech support calls, and arguments with friends, learn about
something called a “bootable drive” which means you can run the software from your flash drive. Try not to think about the Dual Layer DVDs and can of compressed
air that you never actually needed.

Use the interwebs to find 2 different websites on how to install Snow Leopard with
a bootable drive. Follow 20-step detailed procedure on each site. Hit roadblock after roadblock. Keep
trying. Cry into keyboard. Actually make some headway. Wait 10-20 minutes for
each successful step to load. Consider abandoning technology and society to
live in a monastery. Decide that the food probably isn’t that good and keep
going.

Finally,
for all that is great and holy, watch Snow Leopard start to install. Disbelieve
it. Wait 40 minutes while it loads, frequently jumping up clicking heels
together in giddiness.

Become
super excited that you now have Snow Leopard successful installed – effectively
bringing you up to date to 2009. Acknowledge how ridiculous this is. Remain
excited nonetheless.

Try
to install Mountain Lion. Finally.

Read
message that says you first need to install all of Snow Leopard’s updates.
Breathe deeply.

Install
updates, which takes about an hour. While waiting, watch Justin Timberlake host
SNL on Hulu.

As
the computer turns back on, fix your hair and tidy up your desk as if you are
about to Skype with the prime minister of Micronesia. As you get transported to
2012, wonder if there will be flying cars there.

Play
around with Mountain Lion and savor the fact that you actually, finally have it
installed. You have reached the Promised Land. Which is really not that
exciting, but dammit you worked hard to get here.

Reflect
on how long and ridiculous the journey was to get Mountain Lion installed. Write
a humorous blog post about it.