Turn out the lights … hopefully

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ADLER, Russia The Games are over, the cauldron has gone cold and I still can't figure out how to get the television in my room to work.

I don't know. I'm no electronics expert, by which I mean I'm starting to think the TVs here operate on the metric system or something. I know the toilets do. Either that or maybe the Russians have figured out life really can go on without TMZ.

Whatever, I'm sitting in silence again, which actually works out well. In the stillness, I can fully ponder this trip, these Olympics and the very real possibility that, a month ago, I left my car lights on at LAX …

My trip to the Sochi Games took 32 hours, including lengthy layovers in Amsterdam and Moscow. The flight from Los Angeles to the Netherlands alone was 10 hours.

I was, however, delighted to learn that the in-flight entertainment system at my seat included televised sports. Then I checked the options available: “Bundesliga GOAL,” “MotoGP” and “Legends of Cricket.”

How long is a 10-hour flight? Long enough that I can tell you Imran Khan, widely considered the greatest cricketer in the history of Pakistan, finished his career with a batting average of 37.69. And I think I just found a new sport for Josh Hamilton.

Strangely, in this hockey-mad country, the Russians felt the need to have cheerleaders at all the games, up to and including the men's gold-medal final Sunday between Canada and Sweden.

The girls would stand in the aisles during breaks in the action and shake their hips and pompons. The scene seemed extremely non-Russian, especially since so many people here have the frivolity of acid reflux.

I'm not a fan of tattoos simply because they've become so mainstream. It genuinely escapes me, this notion that you are expressing your individuality by choosing to look like everyone else.

But I do enjoy a clever line, like press agent Stefan Schwarzbach explaining the leg muscles of German cross-country skier Josef Wenzl this way, “With his lactic acid level, you can make salad dressing.”

So I admit I love the ink on American ski jumper Lindsey Van and her twin brother, Brandon. On Lindsey's right foot: “Starboard.” On Brandon's left foot: “Port.”

Upon approach in Moscow, our captain informed us the temperature at the airport was minus-22. I wasn't sure if that was Celsius or Fahrenheit, but I was pretty certain it didn't matter.

The frigidness was confirmed by my feet, which already were numb while still sitting on the plane. I will say this about the folks at Van's: They make marvelous tennis shoes but miserable space boots.

It was so cold at my feet I didn't want to reach down into my carry-on bag for my notebook.

One final word — honest, I swear this is it on the subject — about the dogs. People more familiar with Russia than I am tell me the strays in Moscow are even more prevalent than they are here.

Apparently, it's not unusual to see dogs in Russia's capital riding solo on escalators, elevators and trains. There's even one unconfirmed report of a stray running for Parliament. And winning!

After nearly four weeks here, I still don't know a word of Russian, but I know two English words Russians should learn: spay and neuter.

It wouldn't be an official Winter Olympics without certain prerequisites — a handful of doping violations, at least two formal complaints about the figure skating judges and one reference to William Shatner.

After he finished second in men's halfpipe, Canadian freestyle skier Mike Riddle received a tweet that read: “Hey, great work out there. Congrats for the medal, Bill.” Yes, it was from the William Shatner.

Riddle thanked the actor by tweeting a picture of himself on the podium, with Mister Spock superimposed in the bronze- medal position and, of course, Capt. Kirk superimposed as the gold medalist.

Evidently, T.J. Hooker finished, at best, fourth.

You can't always believe what the media tells you. For example, I reported that Vladimir Putin does karate when, in fact, he does judo. OK, fine, as long as he doesn't do either on me.

When Japan's Taihei Kato took an ugly fall after landing during the ski jumping portion of the men's Nordic combined, NBC posted video of the crash on its website entitled, “Japanese jumper lands safely, loses ski.”

Unfortunately for Kato, his safe landing also resulted in a broken arm, an exit via stretcher and a medical evacuation from the hill.

In other news, NBC's website just reported that Kobe Bryant is healthy entering the 2012-13 NBA playoffs.

“I think there is a very big chance I will finish last,” he said before competing in the 15-kilometer classic. “But the placing is not important if I can teach young people in Nepal about the Olympic spirit.”

With an attitude that exemplary, Sherpa fittingly did not finish last. He finished next-to-last, 86th out of 87, and I only hope the man he beat at least remembered to turn his car lights off.

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