At the bottom of my Blogger website, I have a quote that I consider to be both great insight and fair warning. Jane Austen wrote,

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid;

it jumps from admiration to love,

from love to matrimony, in a moment.”

That is to say, when a woman sees signs of admiration in a man, she imagines he is in love with his object of admiration and begins to plan what to wear to the wedding. This is true, though rather conceited, even of ourselves. To feel admired by a man suggests marriage to us. I don’t know why. And to confess the truth, we hear a woman admiring a man and think she is destined for him. Or we do imagine ourselves in love when we have experienced only the slightest flutter of respect or attraction.

Girls are like that. Jane Austen knew it. I have not found many girls who could refute it. In Fiddler on the Roof the eldest daughter sings, “There’s more to life than [happiness in marriage]… Don’t ask me what!” We’re a little obsessed, even when we are striving to focus on other things. We see the world in matches, even our forks and spoons are paired off into couples or families.

And even though this is just how things are, life is not made simple by these unfounded convictions. The rapidness of our imaginations does not only make it awkwardfor men to be around us (and more so when we act on these emotions or ideas without checking them against what we ought to do); it makes determining the actual sources of our emotions and regard rather difficult. With these expectations come frequent disappointments. Some people even teach that we ladies ought to quiet our hearts, to “guard them”

from feeling and hope and imagination.

I’m not talking about lust, but a way of sorting out and reacting to life. Most men and women will marry, and the origins often are something like admiration, then love, then commitment to marriage.

So we have this option, to prevent our rapid imaginations. We can go into a nunnery until the knight in shining armor rides by to select his bride. Or we can treat the world as though we consider ourselves nuns (often complete with vows of silence). I have, in the past, tended to be unwilling to do the work it takes to relate to men without assuming things about them that are not significant, or that are even untrue. Part of this was for my own sake, as I said: life is much simpler when you do not let yourself interact with or admire others.

Another part is that we presume men take similar imaginative leaps, and that they are not to be trusted with any them. And good little girls who are trying to be modest, well, we do not realize that men are not quite as rapid as we, and we assume that sparking admiration will make a man desperately in love… It goes something like this:

If I smile at him, he’ll think I like him. And if he thinks I like him, he will fall in love with me. When he falls in love with me, he’ll want to marry me. But I don’t want to marry him! I barely know him!

So the good little girls don’t smile. Never mind that if I smile at his compliment, courtesy, or joke he might think I was pleased – and I was, but I don’t want him to know. In the words of the “faultless” Mr. Darcy, “Disguise of every sort is my abhorrence.”

I know it is risky, but wouldn’t it be better to be honest? I dare say that a woman can trust a man with a smile or a laugh. We need to stop trying to control the situation. What I have practiced, before I learned this, was rejecting people, not rejecting suitors. When someone is being themselves and meets with no response, or no attentive audience, his identity is being torn down. My heart has been my idol, so that I guarded it and exalted it at the expense of people.

What about this? If I don’t smile at him, he’ll think his joke wasn’t funny, and he’ll try something else or give up relating to us entirely. For a woman frustrated with the reluctance of men to marry, it is rather contradictory to be discouraging them from even interacting with us.

It is now my goal to be the woman of kindness and quietness that God has called me to be, to do the extra work it takes to contain the eager imaginations and assumptions that are my tendency as a female. I will trust God with the consequences of being myself – in modesty and discretion and humility – but also with being myself as a sister, an emissary of God sent to build up (even nurture) those around me. If I do fall in love, I will trust God. If a man falls in love with me, I will trust my good Lord Jesus. These situations are not impossible even when they are unwelcome. And I would rather suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

Sunday night, the day before Autumn, I hosted my second ever pigfest.We held a potluck autumnal feast that looked fantastic laid out on the table.And by the end of the night we had discovered that it tasted fantastic as well.

Our discussion went like this (remember devil’s advocacy may be adopted at any time):

Proposition 1: Slavery is biblically acceptable.

What is slavery?What is the slavery in the Bible?Does the Bible accept slavery, or merely regulate it; is there a difference?Is there slavery today?How does debt come in?Are there advantages to slavery (especially indentured servitude) to an economy, a society, or an individual slave?What makes slavery unacceptable?What role should the church play in a society that utilizes slavery?In history, has the church been successful in enforcing the Bible’s limits to slavery?

Proposition 2: Unmarried adults should be allowed to adopt children.

How is this worse than unmarried people working in orphanages?Isn’t it better for a child to have one loving parent than none at all? What are the legal implications when this is allowed?Is this a selfish decision?Does a one-parent household enable the parent to spend time with children, or are they raised essentially in an orphanage anyway, by being left to daycare?If true religion is caring for widows and orphans, should single people be excluded?How does having children as a single person affect other responsibilities or callings?Is an unmarried woman less likely to get married if she has a child through adoption?What about an unmarried father?

Proposition 3: Cohabitation before marriage is the prudent thing to do.

If everybody does it, how can it be bad?Shouldn’t you test out a marriage before you make a lifetime commitment?Are those advocating cohabitation in successful relationships or marriages?Are they good people?What is a Christian’s witness if he/she lives with their partner before marriage?Many people applaud those who wait until engagement for cohabitation; is there any validity to that?How long a cohabitation is advocated?Does cohabitation actually sabotage the relationship, whereas starting with commitment (marriage) would enable the relationship to thrive and function?Is marriage too big a hassle to interrupt a romance?How should a pastor react to a couple who has been cohabiting?Should he marry them ASAP or encourage them to repent?Ought he to refuse to marry a couple living in sin?Are they still living in sin after a wedding if they have not repented?What role does a pastor have in a marriage?Is it endorsement, witness, mere formality?What about the law?What makes a marriage?

Proposition 4: We (the US government) should kick out illegal immigrants.

Where would we kick them?What would prevent them from coming right back?Who will pay for deportation?(It was suggested that the immigrants themselves should be forced to pay, if they can.)Would this be good for the US economy?Would it be tolerable for the US economy?Has the population of illegal immigrants already hurt our economy (for example in the housing crisis)?How does the lack of border enforcement reflect on our laws?Are illegal immigrants typically otherwise law-abiding citizens?What about language issues?Isn’t America a melting pot?Shouldn’t new immigrants be expected to assimilate just like immigrants from decades and centuries past?Could we allow illegal immigrants to remain in the US if they followed a procedure for attaining legal status and citizenship?Is there a risk to national security?Since the waiting list for legally entering the US is so long, couldn’t we change that to make it easier to legally immigrate?Why do we have limits on immigration?Do other countries limit immigration?Do they deport illegals?Is it illegal to be in our country or illegal to get into our country?Wouldn’t annexing Mexico solve our problem?Would Mexico welcome that?

Proposition 5: There are some situations in which extreme violence is justified.

Who decides?Is self defense the only situation?What about defending others?Defending innocents?What about violent interference with the murder of unborn children?Does defense only cover defense from murder, or can it be defense from torture or rape?What about capital punishment?Is it ever right to take a life?Is it right to do nothing when lives are at risk – do I have the right to refuse to take a life or use violence if myself or other “innocent” bystanders are at risk of death?Can I take an innocent life in order to save other lives?Suppose a two year old is intentionally aiming a gun and pulling a trigger; should extreme violence be used against him?Why is the Mosaic law so confusing: day or night, inside the threshold or outside, defending life, defending property…?Does extreme violence refer only to violence leading to death, or to torture, etc.?

Proposition 6: Reading books written in other languages and other eras should be done to encourage independent thought.

Is independent thought desired?Can translated works count?How is that different from traveling to other parts of the world?Does reading sufficiently immerse you in the culture to widen your perspective?(It was pointed out that language is often imbedded in culture.Language is formed to express a certain way of looking at the world, like the difference in description when emphasis is on texture rather than color.)In what ways does your thought become independent?Is this practicable?What about those who don’t read?Do movies count?Foreign films with English subtitles?

Proposition 7 (which was interrupted before actually beginning by the coming of 9 PM and the need to go home): Idealism ought to be valued over pragmatism.

What on earth is idealism and pragmatism?Do they always contradict?Is it ultimately possible for them to contradict?Which ideal?

Some of my favorite things:People were willing to play devil’s advocate.The time before the debate enabled a lot of people to meet each other (and one family’s tire to be changed).There was a lot of participation.Pigfest format keeps a debate from wearing out the disinterested.Everyone fit in my house.One of my friends brought her two infant daughters.It rained just as the party started, with the sun still shining.Cleaning up wasn’t too hard.People had a good time.I’m able to remember the discussion half a week later.

Things I’ll do differently next time (Nov. 1):Have more chairs.Don’t aim for a main meal, but do lots of snacks instead.Pray by myself ahead of time about my attitude and perspective.Think more about proposition ideas I might offer and how to present them in the most discuss-able way possible.Review the rules before we start.

Considerations:Maybe prescreen propositions.Increase time from 15 to 20 minutes.Enlist a new (louder, more aggressive) moderator.

Persuasion by Jane Austen (ok, so I re-read it, but loved it more the third time. The tale of a good, intelligent woman on the verge of being forever an “old maid,” whose family ignores her but whom she helps all the same. There is a handsome man she loved before he was rich, and so turned down at the influence of her family and friends, and very much regrets. He comes back into her life and suddenly everyone realizes Anne Elliot is the girl they want to marry. I underlined every word that illustrated persuasion, steadfastness, or persuad-ability. There are a lot.)

The Preacher and the Presidents by Nancy Gibbs and Michael Duffy (a modern history book looking at leadership, politics, and big decisions as associated with Billy Graham.)

A Walk With Jane Austen by Lori Smith (Single Christian girl in early thirties goes to England to trace Jane Austen’s life. She dreams of love, finds something special, and goes on to share her very human, very female thoughts about life, love, and God – often borrowing words from Jane Austen herself.)

The Witch of Blackbird Pondby Elizabeth George Speare: I’d say the book is about making choices, and the freedom that comes from doing the right thing even when you don’t understand what’s going on. And it has to do with contentment and waiting and hard work. I see my friend, who recommended the book, in the pages. It’s the kind of thing she would like and live – and the kind of thing I would like and try to live. Kit grew up in the free, warm Atlantic equatorial islands. When her grandfather, who raised her, died, she decided to move in with her penpal aunt in New England. The Puritan atmosphere doesn’t quite suit Kit, who looks for friends who share her sense of freedom. Life doesn’t turn out quite how she imagines (through failure of imagination of consequences), but she means well. Her influence gently softens the community, but eventually she is still tried as a witch.

I recently read GK Chesterton’s first novel, Napoleon of Notting Hill. It was a quick read, interesting and fast-paced. It follows the life and career of the most unique humorist of England, one Auberon Quin, who was elected by lottery the king of England according to the consummate democracy of his fictional future government. Auberon enjoys making people confounded and annoyed, by being himself completely ridiculous. I have a feeling that this would be an even less popular course in England than in America.

Young, Restless, and Reformed by Collin Hansen took a tour of the country to find out about this multi-rooted movement of ‘young Calvinists.’ He did a great job of filling pages with information about theology, denominations, organizations, authors, and what’s so exciting to us about God’s sovereignty. Grace, a consistent description of the world, a God worth worshiping – we have lots of answers, lots of paths that are bringing us to become part of the revival of Calvinism in the West. Why is God doing this? We wait to see.

Brave New Family by GK Chesterton is a compilation of many essays written about the Home and Family, about relationships between men and women and children. It is excellent, but I read it so long ago that I can’t remember all that much about it.

The Man who was Thursday by GK Chesterton is a sort of allegorical tale about sovereignty and the war of the anarchists. It is filled with character sketches. The full impact of this book did not hit me until after I had read it and proceeded with life, when I began to encounter ideas and people frighteningly similar to those in this book. I think Chesterton based some of them off real people whom he had met as well. Hang in there for the end of the book. It will blow your mind.

Ekklesia, edited and compiled by Steve Atkerson of the New Testament Reformation Fellowship, is an exposition of the New Testament’s descriptions of and instructions for the Church. Apart from the business model, consumer structure of traditional church meetings, the authors argue from the Bible for a more personal and interactive gathering in homes. There was very little in this book with which I could disagree. Not only was it informational, reading Ekklesia was also challenging and encouraging. The theology and exposition is spot on, well supported with biblical references. In an age when God is working in many hearts to produce a desire to engage in community and God-powered ministry, this is a good book for direction. An added bonus is that NTRF has not copyrighted Ekklesia, encouraging you to distribute portions to your friends or quote it in publications.

The Shack, by William Young, is a novel of a man dealing with the tragic death of his daughter and his feelings about God. He ends up spending a weekend with God, dealing with classic issues of the problem of pain and our acceptance of God’s goodness despite what we feel. God is incarnate in three persons, with whom he has many vivid interactions and conversations. At the end of the story, he is left with more peace about God and the life he has experienced, but still does not have answers about what God expects of him. The story is written in a way that tempts you to believe it is based on a true history. At the end when I read the “making of” that told me it was only fiction, I was much relieved. There is enough truth in the philosophy and theology that I could not believe the book represented demonic activity (producing the supernatural things described). But there were also enough problematic elements (God as a girl wearing blue jeans) that I could not believe the events were truly from God. Realizing that the author used fiction to introduce his own thoughts on theology must allow for him to be mistaken yet in some areas. Most concerning are the indications that God would not send any of His creations to hell, because He loves ‘all His children’ – with an unbiblical definition of God’s children. The semi-gnostic tendencies and references, including a conference with Sophia, the goddess of wisdom, provide insight into the background of Mr. Young. The book is not keen on the Bible or church, either. For a best seller, this book is a quick read and an interesting visit to theology. But God gave us the Bible as His personal revelation; don’t substitute anything for it.

The Midnight Dancers is Regina Doman’s fourth fairy tale novel. I don’t know whether she was a rebel herself or consulted heavily with people who had been there, but all of her observations on motive and inner conflict resonated well with my observations, and actually explained things. Her main character is very human, torn between desires to be responsible and to be appreciated as an adult, between her love of freedom and her love of people. Midnight Dancers also shows the slippery slope of sacrificing even a little bit of discernment while justifying your freedom and pleasure. Like all of Mrs. Doman’s books, I was entranced. However this edition, similar to Waking Rose, got pretty graphic and even too intense for my spirit to remain healthy. I skipped a few pages near the end. Fairy tales are fairly predictable in their endings, and this is no surprise. They all lived happily ever after.

Mark is a book that transports me immediately back in history. Full of action with little explanation, it is a biography of acts more than teachings, of impact rather than influences. Beginning with a scene straight from a screenplay, of a voice crying in the wilderness, climaxing with the compassionate passion of a good Man suffering in the place of others, and closing with a simple instruction to pass the story on, Mark is a book for the ages. Even though Jesus is the main character, the other characters are just as active and many are vivid personalities. Mark himself may even make a cameo in a humble role at Gethsemane. First to last this gospel is glorious.

It never ceases to amaze me how many facts are tucked into Genesis. Details of the lives and failings of men who lived so long ago surprise me with their human reality. Places and people, kings and battles, ancestries and inventions cover the pages. Of course Genesis begins with creation, establishing the understanding of matter, time, energy, life, marriage, science, music, farming, boats, rain, rainbows, government, justice, worship, sacrifice, truth, possession, family, and judgment. The generations are also sprinkled with hints of redemption and unwarranted preservation and forgiveness, of the second man supplanting the first. Read in light of the New Testament’s references to this first book, Genesis is remarkably alive with parables and theology. My favorite part in this reading was the theme of changed lives.

Treason by Ann Coulter is a history book with a strong political bent. She documents how the Democratic Party is always cheering for and or supporting America’s enemies. In the very least they have a record of opposing any efforts Americans make to defend themselves against enemies. She describes the myth of McCarthyism, pointing out that all those people whose lives McCarthy’s trials (and just his influence) supposedly ruined were either open Communists or eventually found out to be Communists. And most of them enjoyed long, pleasant lives (not getting everything their way, but who does?). McCarthy, on the other hand, died young, at age 48. But Ann Coulter doesn’t stop with the post World War II McCarthy. She goes on to discuss Vietnam, the Cold War, North Korea, and the War on Terrorism. History is dirty, and she both addresses some mature issues and references them to make jibes. But I appreciate the excessive documentation of the habit of Democrats to stand up on the side most opposed to America’s interests. They used to call such blatant and effective acts “treason.”

Medieval Iceland: Society, Sagas and Power by Jesse L. Byock (see full review)

Lady Susan by Jane Austen (To balance the post-election doldrums this week, I read Lady Susan, a complete short novel written by Jane Austen, the last on my list of her works to read. Consisting entirely of letters except for the last two or three pages (which summarizes both why the story could not be continued in letters and the fates of all the main characters). For my part I wish that the story had been developed more. I want to know the young Miss Frederica, and the smart Mr. Reginald de Courcy. Perhaps the value is in the art by which Miss Austen communicates so much leaving almost the whole unsaid. One feels that there is a whole story and world of events that Jane Austen knew but wouldn’t share because she didn’t have to. The worldview of the widow Lady Susan is summed up in her words from Letter 16, “Consideration and esteem as surely follow command of language, as admiration waits on beauty.” She is a scandalous flirt and insufferable liar, scheming throughout the novel to acquire pleasure, money, and importance at the expense of all her relations, friends, and even her daughter. Jane Austen tends to end with her villains unpunished. They don’t go to prison, or suffer a life-long illness or poverty or death. The world may scorn them, but generally they never cared what the world thought. We the good readers may pity the partners with whom they finish the tales, but the villains themselves will not wallow, we think, in self-pity for long, rather getting something for which they have always aimed. Lady Susan is a novel where, with the concise style, these patterns are readily exposed. Read Lady Susan. It’s a light, funny story with a background romance. Characters are typically Jane Austen even if we see little of them. And the style makes a good template for understanding the rest of Jane Austen’s beloved books.)

Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver (There wasn’t a lot of new Christian stuff in this book, but it was a good read and some challenging reminders. This book covers topics ranging from worry to service to worship to personal devotions. I love how the book draws everything together into the One Thing conclusion. Joanna invites you to join her journey of seeking a Mary Heart in a Martha World.)

Anne comforted herself sometimes by repeating that she was in the depths of despair, and her dreams were a perfect graveyard of buried hopes.In such a way am I writing today, to comfort myself by making the insanity of my life sound poetic.

First I must say that I am on the verge of insanity, but fear not – I have every intention of backing away from that brink.All it will take is a box full of cookies, much time with friends, and all the extra hours of sleep I will not be getting in exchange for said time with friends.

My office is much too busy, yet I am sitting, writing this at my office.Just prior to this, between imagining these sentences and answering the phone, I was reading a book, another partial cause of my near insanity.GK Chesterton has been writing to me of the ridiculous that makes life alive.Funny thing, imagining life to be alive.I think that is Christ.He seems to be around every corner of this world, which is a very good reason for sanity.

In fact I love patterns, even the poetic pattern of nuanced changes, the fact that my hair is brown and my corduroys are brown, I wear a brown necklace and in a startling change, a camel-colored bracelet.As all this is highlighted with gold, I find the effect most wonderful.It is a glittering accent to the pattern.A woman came to my office earlier with turquoise and brown beads on her shirt, and similar embroidery on the camisole beneath the shrug.Her purse I did not get a chance to study, but I have the distinct impression that it followed the theme in brown leather.My all white office upholstered and carpeted has recently been significantly altered by the introduction of a black chair in the doctor’s half.There is already a black chair in my half, but I sit in it, and thus have no comment on its effect on the décor as I have about this new one.Suddenly I am noticing that my clock is black, my appointment book, the mousepad, and one of the phones.All in all this does not have the art of consistency, but it does have the statement of contrast.

My voice is occasionally interrupted, when I frequently answer the phone, by a cough.It is insignificant enough to most commonly be silent and suppressed, but it has the annoying habit of altering my consonant pronunciation and taking away the warmth from my tone of voice.As a result Adam came out A-ar, and minute sounded more like the kind of cookie I’m about to eat: mint.This brings a vague recollection about consonant shift referred to but not explained (in the way of an insider that assumes you would know) in articles I have read about etymology and the devolution of language.

This I’m doing here, it isn’t life.It may be existence, this tedious survivatl – ok, so that was a typo, but it is so romantically Aztec that I’m leaving it as a tribute.Anyway, existence is “I think therefore I am,” the soulless I am.It’s ok when God says it, because He is Trinity, and I am is plural.For a human I am is not enough.I am satisfied only by saying we are.In fact this day has so far been broken by two instances of we are: when two young friends came to visit me while their mother picked up glasses – one can have the sincerest conversations with children; and the other was when the very friend about whom I was writing in my other post, the one about literature, came by with her two little girls.One is a genius who shared her flower by allowing me to smell it and by proclaiming it most accurately to be both pink and green; the other was asleep, but quite beautiful, just as was her mother, happily dressed in a maternity jumper with her hair all pulled up just like the joyful smile she is in my life.How can hairstyles be smiles?They just are.

Mine, by the way, is the result of getting up late this morning and loosing the braid I remember deciding to put in my hair last night, though I am unaware whence I stole the minutes in which to plait it.There is a large clip for emergencies fastened at present to my purse strap.At the end of my day, if I am tired of brushing the strands aside, I fiercely affix the jaw that is remarkably able to contain the entire girth of my ponytail.

Have you ever figured out under which circumstances you are supposed to use “that,” and which “which”?Microsoft Word is always objecting, and I’ve learned that if I have a comma, which is acceptable, but I can’t fathom why that would be.I do know that which is much more necessary when prepositions are used properly, and kept from ends of sentences.

Existence is a victory; “I am” is worth saying.Thinking is worth doing if the philosopher is correct in that it proves our am-ness.There is no meaning, no life abundant, alone.This is what I tell graduates as the primary lesson I wish people had told me before the first five years after high school.Don’t abandon your friendships; they’re more important than grades, money, or degrees.

I finished a couple books that I haven’t reviewed yet. One was by G.K. Chesterton, a genius who despised Protestants without ever really disagreeing with them. Ok, but that’s not why I was reading him. He wrote about marriage, home, and family, with great common sense. Sometimes we say insight, and we mean something little. I want to say prophetic in that intangible, surreal sense, but that’s strange. He got into an issue and saw outside of it so that he could make points that should be so obvious, but none of the rest of us could see because we were busy arguing the points the wrong people were making to distract us from our strongest case. So that was good, and beautiful, and challenging.

Side note here to transition into the next book review. I love reading books because they inspire me, make me think, or challenge me. Books, unlike the majority of people I know, will tell me what I’m doing wrong and what I ought to do. This is why I read books about relationships. Maybe I’ll be burned by thinking I have all the answers, but in the mean time it makes me want to live a life preparing for the ideal romance and marriage – if I could just figure out what ideal was. And for the moment, I have no firm idea of what an ideal man looks like to me either. I think I have to meet him. It’s like The Witch of Blackbird Pond says: Kit had to stop planning and start waiting. The reason was, she would find out, a lot of these details are not a lady’s to figure, but the gentleman’s. Letting other people make the decisions when they affect you is hard, but relaxing. I did a lot of that this week.

So I did just finish The Witch of Blackbird Pond, making a whole two books I’ve read with “Witch” in the title. The first was The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, a book that my mom probably first read to me, and then I read it. When your mom gives you a book as a kid, you think there could be nothing wrong with it. That’s a good reason for rereading books when you’re smarter. (So many people like CS Lewis, but his theology wasn’t always biblical; he never bothered to study the Bible, I think.) Anyway, I would never have picked up this book either, but for a friend recommending it and saying how real the characters were. It came from my library’s young adult section, which I think is sad because adults are not encouraged to read these really good books that would do them more good than they do kids. It was short, though, so it would have looked strange next to the three hundred page hardbacks in the adult section.

I’d say the book is about making choices, and the freedom that comes from doing the right thing even when you don’t understand what’s going on. And it has to do with contentment and waiting and hard work. I see my friend, who recommended the book, in the pages. It’s the kind of thing she would like and live – and the kind of thing I would like and try to live.

So some people think I’m perfect. I don’t know what I have to do to convince them I’m not. What’s more, they think I’ll despise them for their weaknesses or desires. All my life I’ve determined not to forget who I was and what it was like to be younger. For example, I remember how very serious everything was in my life, and how sure I was of my ideas, and even now it isn’t so much that I was wrong as that I didn’t see the whole picture. I desperately wanted someone to help me out with the big picture, but I guess not enough because I wouldn’t ask anyone. This to say that I wanted to remember feeling those things so that I could relate to young people. And I never wondered how I would clue kids in that I knew: that I hadn’t forgotten, that even though I’m not entirely normal, I had some of the universal experiences.

I think of some of my friends not so much as perfect, but as good. They love Jesus and they are willing to make right choices – the kind that don’t radically mess up their lives – but they struggle with the choices, and sometimes fail. My friend who likes Blackbird Pond is one of those. And now that I think about it, that’s probably one of the things I’m looking for in the man I’ll marry: that he’ll be good (but as Anne says, with the capability of wickedness which he denies) but struggle, and sometimes fail. I’ve never loved a person before I knew some of their faults. Weird, huh?

So even novels I read, even the romantic ones that send me to long drives talking to God about waiting and “Where is he?” – are challenging. Because The Witch of Blackbird Pond was about waiting and serving and looking at what is and what I can do instead of what might be or isn’t and what I can’t do (yet), and because it came packaged in a daydreamy story, I’m inspired. Now if only I wasn’t so exhausted from a trip across two time zones…

And the number one question on my mind is what to read next. Seriously, I have a stack. But I didn’t have to tell you that again, did I?

Hey – in case you’re one of those people who thinks I’m perfect, I’m going to confess. Maybe I should have confession Fridays or something. = ) How’s that for a blog series? Anyway, we were at the beach and I was feeling dreadful, but our group was taking pictures, and as I threw down my hat and jacket on the sand, I exclaimed that I had no idea how I looked, and asked a dear friend if I looked beautiful. The other night she’d told me I did when I, a reflection recently refreshed in my memory, did not think so. But honestly. How immodest. To beg for flattery even just privately from her would have been wrong. In front of everyone? Arg. Not perfect. Proud. Vain. Immodest. Quick-tongued. Self-focused. Didn’t do personal devotions all week either. I thought it was ok, and it was in an anti-legalist sense, but I think it would have helped to hear from Jesus.

There is a popular marriage book called Love and Respect.All my dear married friends talk about the subject.Women need love.Men need respect.Respect is more than words.A wife wants to hear her husband say “I love you,” (and men don’t mind hearing their wives say it, I suspect).She also needs his love to be demonstrated.Likewise respect must be lived out.

Respect is an attitude.It’s how a woman talks about a man, or her attitude when he’s talking to her.Things she refrains from saying or doing can be as important to demonstrating respect as what she says.Even when he isn’t there, a wife can respect her husband by the things she tells about him and the way she tells them to her girlfriends or children.Respect is important to a man, just like being cherished is important to a woman.

For example, a counselor (author of the book?) once heard a wife tell him that she loved her husband, but couldn’t respect him.He reversed the question and asked how she would feel if her husband confessed that he respects her, but just doesn’t love her.Obviously she would be devastated.The implication is that a man is equally devastated to hear that his wife doesn’t respect him.

Yet our society considers love a prerequisite for marriage, and so judges a man who doesn’t love his wife.Respect is often something a wife never considered.She didn’t know she was failing.She thought she was respectful, taking literally the phrase, “all due respect.”If her husband was communicative, he may have mentioned his desire for respect, at which point she got defensive, and considered him most unfair.If he wanted respect, maybe he married the wrong woman.After all, he is the same man who (insert ridiculous quirk or character flaw here).

What does a wife do if she cannot respect the man because he is not respectable?There are many testimonies to the change wrought in a man, even after years of marriage, when a woman chooses to respect him.Picking the things that are admirable in his character, she praised that to him and to others.She prioritized her life around the things that were important to him.In Wives and Daughters, the soon to be Mrs. Gibson asks Molly to tell her all her father’s little likes and dislikes, so that she can be a pleasing wife.The first thing Molly tells her, however, is something that Mrs. Gibson sets out to “cure.”Her behavior did not show respect.The villain in Wives and Daughters, a very human and almost pitiable Mr. Preston, is by no means a respectable man, but Molly appeals to him as though he were, and goads him on to more honorable behavior.

I think this dilemma of being married to a man you don’t respect is a symptom of our dating culture.Our paths to marriage have been all about falling in love.How many girls fall in love with someone and feel like the dad on Stepmom, that marriage is the next step?The hurting son in the movie asks his dad if, since a husband and wife can ‘fall out of love,’ can a parent can fall out of love with his kids?Love is a choice.I believe that, and think the dad was wrong to divorce his wife.

What if he had “fallen” in respect with his wife?Think of a man sitting in a field plucking petals: she respects me, she respects me not…However, respect is more obviously a choice.

Our modernized fairy tales are full of falling in love.I’m a romantic, and I appreciate Disney’s animated fairy tales.But don’t they have more resemblance to Sir Walter Scott than to Grimm’s?Think about the original versions of fairy tales you know.

Take Sleeping Beauty.A man risks everything for her, and she without even really knowing him delights to be his bride.Why?

Cinderella knows the prince’s character, and they share a romantic enchantment for a few hours one night before he scours the kingdom to claim her.Aside from the obvious appeal of a maid marrying a prince, why would she do that?If she were a romantic, would an evening’s dance be sufficient?

Beauty – is she won over by the love of the Beast in the original tale?What about Snow White – seemingly romantic, singing someday my prince will come – ultimately married to a man whose fascination with her beauty jolts her into life again – literally.

Snow White and Rose Red is perhaps the most romantic fairy tale, its hero repeating the plea, “Snow White, Rose Red! Will you beat your lover dead?”Even in that story the chosen bride is not apparent, and the second sister is married to the hero’s previously unmentioned brother.

Yet the hype of every movie and story popular today is falling in love or the misery in marriage if you don’t.

In fact respect before marriage is a concept often trampled by the rush to feed and give in to love.Instead, respect marriage and respect the other person.Value them more than the relationship, more than the attraction.Purity, modesty, submission, counsel, and a long-term focus are ways to express respect for each other before marriage.They are also characteristic of the courtship movement.(Allow me to interject that as I thought about this topic, I followed it to this place; this is not designed as a defense of courtship.)

Whereas the dating culture is all about flowers, butterflies, and the kiss that tells you he’s the one; courtship has a focus on boundaries, on matching emotion and expression to the level of commitment.And I suppose that’s all I really want out of calling a relationship a courtship: not a strict set of rules and prohibitive encounters, but intentionality in building respect even as you grow in love.The idea is not only to more accurately find a spouse with less regrets (at giving away your heart or more), but to prepare for married life.

“Intentional” could speak to the willful direction of a relationship.Historically, a suitor came to the father (and thereby to the lady) to make his intentions known.That factor alone could make a world of difference in dating relationships.If each would regularly express their intentions for the relationship, or at least begin by honestly telling each other what the goal is, dating would be less complicated and harmful.

Being intentional in either aspect, and preparing for marriage, could explain the tendencies to short courtships.Practicing love, respect, submission, confidence, and preference is hard to do without wanting to move right into the real deal.Or courtships could be short because they’re begun only after at least one party is willing to consider marriage.Part of the important observation and decision-making is done before the first date.

Coincidentally, I think that “respect” is the less hated buzz-word translating the Greek hupotasso, usually translated in the Bible as “submit” or “be obedient.”In Ephesians 5, women were not told to make sure they didn’t usurp their husbands any more than the men were forbidden from hating their wives.Love is a positive thing. Women should embrace submission.All along the Bible has had the instructions for successful marriages.

Colossians 3:18, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.”

Do you know how much more I blog when I know I have an audience?Before I blogged, my friends received long, winding emails quite frequently.I’d threaten them that if they didn’t respond, I’d keep writing, desperate to have some contact with them.Then I’d warn them that if they did reply, it would inspire me to write back.Evidence imposes reality on my realization: I write more when I know you’re reading.I talk when I know you’re listening.The substance is better in conversation than in desperate attempts at starting a friendship, or drawing attention: advertising.

I’ve been looking at my life, and praying about what I see.Some days I can’t do that; my prayers are focused on survival.God gives us phases, I think.Like the moon.I love the moon: always there, always the same, almost always visible, almost always seen in a new light.And the light is beautiful.

Why do I have better conversations, ones that “hit the spot” via blogging, or with an eclectic group of admittedly eccentric protesters outside abortion clinics?I don’t agree with all the theology, but we can pray together.When they ask how I am, I can answer that God is teaching me about grace, and share a little.They share.I want to know.Not just their stories, but the stories of my friends, and the people at church and Bible study.But in the hallways all I hear is “How are you?” and all I can answer is “fine,” unless we were going to cancel nursery service, worship, and lunch.Then I could talk.That’s the beauty of blogging and abortion protests.There’s no schedule, no interruptions that matter.So I can’t be online at work…The conversation picks right back up, no awkwardness, more forethought.

In my prayers I keep telling God I don’t want to play.I don’t want to play at life.Gas prices shouldn’t drive me crazy; I don’t want to play.Hard decisions aren’t on my shoulders; I don’t want to play.It’s pretending to say I have the wisdom or strength to decide.And at church, I am so tired of playing.What I do there is superficial.I believe in being there, and in making the most of what is there for the sake of bringing the body towards perfection (Ephesians 4).There is something so wrong about the way we do church.Why do we bother singing and praying and listening to lessons when we don’t even know each other?

People move away or change churches, and we never talk to them again.Why?When they were at church activities, we admired them.We enjoyed doing ministry together.Their comments in Sunday school were challenging, and their smile uplifting.They’re gone, and we miss them.But there was never anything more.We never met for lunch.I didn’t know what they were thinking, the little things that they might say as commentary on life, but would never think worthy of a special phone call.

I have a friend at my church, and we’re going to start praying together.I’m really excited.She selected an anonymous envelope to “adopt” a teen from our youth group, and I wanted to ask her who she got.I wanted to enter into even this little facet of her life, and so many more things like that.

Tonight I babysat for a church plant.I sat with three little boys while they ate dinner, and the parents and friends talked around the kitchen island.I care about the adults, but the kids know me, and I love them because I watch them eat.When one does some weird thing with his spoon, I get to know him.The middle kid imitates the oldest, and you see how relationships are developing.I intentionally sit with them when they eat, to build the relationship.But do I do that with adults?When is the last time I sat by someone not to start a conversation, but just to be there in case there was commentary?

Speaking of the church plant, I could hear from my position in the basement of the pastor’s house uproarious laughter, evidence that the group is bonding.They feel free to be loud, to be humiliated, to laugh, and thus are invested in the details of each others’ lives.Eventually I think the plan is to have a “normal” church where there is preaching and singing, but I believe they want to keep groups like this one as core to their church.Once they are loving, unified friends, they can march in sync in their ministry.In fact, the pastor told me a couple weeks ago that he believes the church’s primary purpose is evangelism, and I’ve been thinking about my disagreement, looking for what the Bible says instead of just what I’ve been taught.I see the great commission.And I see Jesus’ prayer in John 17 for what He planned his followers to be.I read Ephesians, and see that the church is about unity, edification, maturing into the image of Christ.But that unity of the Spirit is what produces the striving together for the faith of the gospel, the reaching out to the world with the gospel.

So another thought.I get challenged like that from this friend, who is a pastor.His church asks him questions like that more than some, but I think they’re in awe of him, and respectful of him as their leader.(His wife was originally on my side, properly heeding his perspective and coming early to the conclusion that we’re basically saying the same thing different ways/different emphasis.)My pastor doesn’t talk to me like that.I get answers from people who run blogs.They dare to address my real questions.But a lot of times their own friends and churches aren’t asking.What a mess.Why can’t we be real with the people in our churches?

I want everyone to read my blog.But I’m fair about it.I would want to read everyone else’s blogs or journals, too.I don’t want to play at friendship, to pretend to be the Body of Christ, anymore.I, me, personally, want to be real.And I want to be a real friend.May God take me, sold out, take my every hour, to be invested in Him and in building people.

As a crowning point to how this whole topic is being driven home to me today, in one day-long thought, I was telling all these things to my brother after watching some of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.I have no idea how much we missed, but I wouldn’t dare go back to find out; there’s a reason you can skip tracks on DVDs.(I’m definitely NOT endorsing the movie, but I’m not all that sorry I watched what I did.Just read a review, and make an educated, prayerful decision if you ever think about watching it.)Anyway, the premise is that this guy is getting his memories of his girlfriend erased, so he’s going backwards through the memories.And timelines are just a bit confusing, but if you watch it twice I suspect everything would make sense.Watch the hair colors.It’s a key.We discussed how our brains have to extend to the furthest reaches to follow the movie, and the implications of the story.It’s too far out, to complex to put our arms around, to hold.But you can follow it, if you try.That’s relevant, but this is commentary, windows into my world that produces these thoughts.

After I said most of the things above, and actually some are his additions, I was talking about being tired of friendships being fake; I want to hear what is going on with people.I want to read blogs, and my blog to be read.In an amazing double-irony, he asked, “Did you read my blog?”

“No.”We both laughed and I was crying, too, from the irony.I knew of course that I was contradicting myself because I hadn’t read it in the past couple days, and that he must have written about basically the same thing, or he wouldn’t have brought it up.And maybe we’re both thinking about the same thing because we read the same things, and talk, and (sometimes) read each other’s blogs.So here is his perspective on real listening and real friendship.You have to promise, if you are reading this post, to read his too, and to read it like he meant… every… word.

Oh, and less crowning but still continuing, we’ve had an ongoing conversation with some friends of ours about “heads bowed, eyes closed” altar calls, whether it be for salvation or other things God’s doing in your life.We’re tired of playing, and want to be the Church to those around us, at least.If we can’t see each other, and we’re silent, not praying together at all, how are we going to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep?What are we saying about the shameless gospel of our God’s great grace?

To God be all glory,

Lisa of Longbourn

PS: My brother reminds me, and I thought it important enough to make clear: being serious does not exclude joy or smiling or fun. When I say “I don’t want to play,” I don’t mean I’m opposed to silliness and recreation. Actually, we should even take our fun seriously; be intense, and sincere when you play.