Saturday, December 1, 2012

Confessions of a Meat Eater.

Of all the content I’ve crapped on throughout the life of
this brainless little blog, the thing that received the greatest backlash of
butthurtedness (shut up, it’s a word) was my jab at the internet's love affair with bacon. People
are apparently quite passionate about their pork products. Now don’t get me wrong, like any good American
most of my hopes and dreams are wrapped in bacon. But Bacongate has brought to
the forefront a bitch that needs to be pitched: fucking vegans.

I have a lot of friends that are vegans. At least I did, before posting this rant. I also
have a lot of friends that eat cheese smothered steak every hour on the hour
and then wash it down with a glass of baby seal’s blood, while wearing the
pelts of a hundred puppies and kicking kittens in their itty bitty
throats. My point is I don’t give a feathered
fuck what you do or don’t eat… as long as you don’t tell me what to cram in my
own face hole.

And that’s where the problem lies with veganism. Apparently
a diet deficient in meat and dairy causes a person to preach pompously at
anyone who picks up a pork chop. Vegans are an awful lot like uber Christians;
both are always spewing their scruples in your face at every opportunity... the
main difference being that vegans manage to make valid points.

I wholefartedly believe that vegans, in general, are not
only physically healthier but more environmentally and socially conscious
individuals than us animal-eating assholes. No one can dispute that the factory
farms that us meat munching morons depend on to give us our fried flesh fix are
contributing heavily to the destruction of the planet… not to mention filling
our bloated bodies with toxins. Delicious, juicy, falling-off-the-bone toxins.

I do care about the Earth. I don’t give much of a shit for
the people on it, but I don’t want the whole planet to implode just because we
were dicks to it. And I care about my own health (a little) and that of my
family. I love animals and could fill a fucking ark with all of the pets I've adopted or rescued. Most of the meat I buy comes from a small, single-family operated local
farm. I do what I can to cut down on energy usage and waste. I reduce, reuse,
recycle, and whatever the fuck else that starts with “R” I can to try to limit
the amount of filth that infiltrates the atmosphere. But all it takes is one
uppity Facebook post from a vegan and suddenly my BLT is sodomizing Mother
Earth… and apparently she’s not into that.

Then there’s the outspoken celebrity support. Joaquin
Phoenix, really? I’d kick him out of the Clean Colon Club if I was a vegan. It’s
hard to take any movement seriously
with his ridiculous ass at the helm. I’d rather take dietary advice from
Jeffrey Dahmer.

Please note: This is Phoenix, not Dahmer.

And how come they have to refer to every dish they eat as
being vegan? We get it, you don’t eat animal products. You don’t have to tell
me you’re eating vegan cookies, or vegan soup. I don’t refer to my double
cheeseburger as a murder sandwich. I tried to cook from a vegan recipe once,
but when I didn’t even know what half of the ingredients were or where the hell
I would find them I gave up and snapped into a Slim Jim.

But seriously, despite my name-calling, incessant bitching,
and spewing of alliterative anger I have nothing but respect for vegans. What I
can’t stand is the immense guilt I feel when I’m around them. Their ideals are
admirable and unwavering. So why don’t I
convert if I love them so much? One word: cheese.

You hear people say that their bodies are 70% water… well
mine is 90% cheddar. I think I could give up steak, eggs, and even bacon (fuck,
I’m going to be crucified by the meat-eating masses for that again). But take
my cheese curds away and I’m likely to cut your face off and serve it with some
fava beans and a nice chianti.

In conclusion, vegans—I love you. Keep saving the world, one broccoli floret at a time. But
please, PLEASE, shut the fuck up already! It's not like your shit doesn't stink.

Sounds like Kat Farmer is a preacher! I KNOW your shit stinks-green veggies smell worse than pig shit when they are excreted-ask me and I'll admit it-my shit stinks-even moreso when I've eaten green veggies! How can one NOT think broccoli stinks like hell after digestion. Tofu-now there's something I know nothing about-it looks awful and I'm not going to force myself to eat some nasty shit like that. If God didn't want us to eat animals he wouldn't have made them out of meat!

Great post!! Now let's take on the Christians and the Atheists! I have two kids that are Atheists and one of them is as annoying as the Bible Thumpers... It's like all you get now, when you talk with someone, is what they are 'believing' at the moment. We can't have a normal conversation anymore! Society is always breaking your balls about something 'important' to them...the election is over, finally, and you think you will get a break about them bitching about Obama or Romney, BUT NO!! I get on FB and I wana put a gun to my head! It's all about politics, "Click if you love Jesus", (like GOD has a fucking organization that monitors everyone on FB and shits on you if you don't "share" that you "Love Jesus") Then there is the cancer, autism, health shit "post this on your profile for an hour - but I know you people won't" guilt trips, who's kid is missing, who's looking for their adopted kid, and the ever fucking annoying "My Mom said I could get a Goddamn puppy if I get a million likes" bullshit. WTF? Makes me wana take a bath with a fucking toaster!! Now, to me, FB only stands for "fucking bitching."

I'm glad I live on a 40 acre farm and can just chill out and not come in contact with anyone if I don't want to. (Yes, and to insure that I have numerous signs outside my gate that say, "Beyond this sign, deadly force is authorized", "Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again" when you get to the end of my driveway near my house there is one that says, "YOU ARE NOW IN RANGE" and on my door I have, "We only call 911 to pick up the bodies", and a sign attached by the front door that says, "WARNING - AMMUNITION RELOADING AREA. YOU HAVE BEEN FULLY WARNED AND WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY INJURY OR LOSS OF LIFE."

In conclusion I'd like to say, "People, grow some fucking balls, pull your head out of your ass, and quit spewing hate and cramming shit down our throats all the time!!" I'd love to get on FB and find out what people are DOING, just post once a day, don't treat your FB like a twitter account either! When we talk on the streets just tell me about YOU, not about what's bothering you, or what you are passionate about. Just YOU. (And, actually, I really don't give a fuck about that - but it beats the hell out of listening to you bitch and moan about the President or whatever is twisting your titties at the moment...)

In other words, I don't give fucks 24/7/365! Any questions??!! (Kim - are we sisters?!! LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!) And this is an alias I'm using so no one can find me!! LMAO I 'liked' your page on FB "Dee's Nuts" so find me if you want, under my real name... (Challenge accepted?)

Today marks the beginning of the grueling, nine-month-long Commercialized Crap Carnival that is the NASCAR season. A squirmy little sp...

If for some reason Kimmy hasn't offended the shit out of you, feel free to follow her on Facebook. Don't bother looking on Twitter, she gave up on that shit once she discovered it didn't mean anything sexual. Bastards.