1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardesslooks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed perpassenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says"Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in thecraft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't haveyour kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The othersays "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a rootcanal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing inthe lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about anhour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "Butwhy?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't standchess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to afamily in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to hisbirth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that shewishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They'retwins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up asmall florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers fromthe men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition wasunfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. Hewent back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rivalflorist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in townto "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed theirstore, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, theydid so, thereby proving that: only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, whichproduced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate verylittle, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered frombad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... Asuper calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to hisfriends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.No pun in ten did!

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MacEAKASteve Ewing

I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. Job 19:25

"Non sibi sed patriae!"

Reviresco (I grow strong again) Clan MacEwen motto

Audaciter (Audacity)My Ewing Family Motto(descendants of Baron William Ewing of Glasgow, born about 1630)

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." Abraham Lincoln

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

A man in Florida had several pet dolphins. He discovered that he could make them live for ever by feeding them sea gulls. Every day, he went out and caught sea gulls for his pets. One day, his way was blocked by a toothless old circus lion. He got a firm grasp on his bag of sea gulls and with a running start, jumped over the lion. Immediately, wildlife agents swarmed out of hiding and arrested him. The charge: Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowingthrough what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.

Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120mph.

Then he thought,"What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Kern County, California, Sheriff's Department orders plain white patrol units and has the graphics applied locally. In this case: What they ordered was not quite what they got.

This car was driven for 1 week before an officer noticed what the graphics company employee did on the passenger side of the car. The employee did this on his last day working for the graphics company before he retired.(see attached photo)

From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport comes this true story from Milwaukee, WI. You don't have to have lived the dream in Wisconsin to appreciate this!

A routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles he managed to find his own car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night),flicked the hazard flasher, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started driving slowly down the street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all.

Dumbfounded, the officer said, ?I?ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, apparently this equipment is broken.?

I think the person who wrote this has been hanging around with the comedian, Gallagher.

English Again

If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) The two were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.