Wednesday, March 29, 2017

The last time I felt something like this was exactly 6 years ago with a guy whose name starts with the letter "K." I remember telling him and begging him (as in mega begging him) to not leave me and to also love me back.

"Please...don't leave me. Please love me back. Kahit kaunti lang...."

But, to cut the long story short....he didn't love me back. He still left me. Pity me now. LOLZ!

We're ok now and whenever I read my Facebook memories about my posts about him from 6 years ago, I would just smile and stifle a laugh at how silly and naive and childish I was back then.

And then this happened....

I effin' fell in love again. So in love that it hurts. So in love that I'm crying right now here at Blenz Coffee while I'm typing this. Har! Har! Har!

I don't wanna go into further details about this anymore because I'm friends with the guy. And his girlfriend.

Oh, yes. He has a girlfriend. And she is veeeeeeeeeeeeeeery beautiful. KILL ME NOW.

But, what confuses me is that I would see photos of him hanging out with a gay guy at the mall or at a restaurant or whatever. Just the 2 of them. I would like to believe that they're just friends. Or maybe...ok....fine. I just feel jealous. I feel jealous that I couldn't hang out with him, too.

I would really love to hang out with him as well. Have dinner or watch a movie or what not. But, deep inside....I know it doesn't feel right. So, whenever I see him going out with a gay guy...I feel so hurt. And I know it's wrong. This feeling is so wrong. But, I can't help it. I just really can't.

I didn't really plan to fall in love with him at first. If you see him, you'll probably tell me that this guy isn't my type at all. As in he's completely the opposite of the kinda guy VinVin would normally fall in love with or even just have a crush on.

But I've fallen in love with him so much already. As much as I wanna try to ignore him...I couldn't. As much as I wanna try to avoid him...I couldn't. As much as I wanna try to forget about him...I so so so couldn't. Like...WTF.

I'm sorry.

The normal "me" would've already told him that I love him. That I'm in love with him. But, I couldn't do it. I don't wanna lose him. I don't want him to go away.

He's the second guy whom I've fallen in love with this hard and I don't want him to leave me as well. I don't care if he won't love me back. I'm happy that he's my friend. I'm happy that we're friends. I know that I shouldn't ask for anything more from him. Anything that he can't give me. I'm fine with that. I just don't want him to leave me....

Oh, fudge, I'm crying again. Har! Har! Har!

Anyway, the bottom line is....

I think it has already come to a point where I can no longer "unlove" him. Instead....I can just choose...

I choose....

I choose to love him in silence.

"I cannot 'unlove' you. Who am I kidding? No matter how many times I try to hate you, no matter how many times I convince myself to ignore you, I just can't. It's just that every time I try to control the abnormal beating of my heart whenever I'm with you, I was just trying to suffocate myself. I don't care how many times you give me a reason to walk away from you, just thinking of it makes my heart shrink. I don't care how many times you make me feel unwanted, or how many times you me feel like a fool. Because I'm willing to overlook all of them just to be with you. I cannot 'unlove' you, I cannot afford to throw all of those beautiful memories we shared like it was a piece of trash. I've already decided. That no matter what happens, I will still love you. I'll probably love you until eternity, too." ~Anonymous