"Spiderman... Spiderman. He swings around giving candy to children."

Warning: This review contains gross misuses of the word ''butt''. Please refrain from reading if you hate the word ''butt'' or alergic to Pulitzer Prize-worthy literature. Oh, and use the terms ''Dork'', ''Nerd'', and ''Lifeless'' a lot. Read on, my friend. Read on...

Spiderman: The Movie- the nerds were given a visual orgasm on May 3rd. I admit, even though the thought of collecting comics makes my pessimistic stomach cringe in fear of turning Dork, I was one of the punks who went to the movie opening day. While I enjoyed the movie, it left me craving more Spidey. So, I hopped in my car and over to BlockBuster, shelling out $5 for gas and $7 for the PS2 game. There's $12 I'll never see again- unless I get my lazy ass off the couch and into a job.

Gameplay: 5-ish

The controls are laid out in a somewhat simple manner, that even a non-Spidey vet can get the hang of after a very useful tutorial by whom I assume to be some big comic book guy. (Who knows?) Anyway, R2 swings the web, Trianlge shoots web, the rest of buttons make you run, jump, and throw jabs. You'll get the hang of it soon enough, and after 15 minutes of screwing around in the practice levels, you'll be ready for NYC- represent! (Now, onto the good stuff.)

The levels are designed well enough that you can swing freely around a fairly large open area, with many high spots and low spots. Swinging is as difficult as putting underwear on a Doberman- so much so that it's hard to do without swearing and peeing a little. It's not really the swinging action, rather judging where you are and where you need to be. The geniuses at Trearkin or whatever their firm is called, made up this thing called a ''Depth Bar'' or something, that shows you (blue line) and where you want to be (red line). Combined with an arrow as glitchy as ET on the Atari 2600, it's hard to find just where the baddies are. I spent 10 minutes looking for one punk on a low roof, just to enable a cutscene that went for another two minutes.

But, the combination system makes up for it. You can do spears, throw uppercuts, jump attacks, and the godsend when the going gets tough: the web dome. Oh, how you have saved my health many times, web dome. You pick up golden spiderman symbols to gain a new combo. You can reply levels as often as you like, so searching is a plus for you prospective gold diggers. There's a total of about 30 combos you can find, hidden well around every level. The practice arenas are fun, especially when you cheat and continually spear Skull gang members.

From what you've come to expect from Activision, the graphics are sweet. Spiderman's costume looks great, the flashes and bursts of light by Green Goblin are amazing, the New York City skyline looks superb. The only complaint is a mild slowdown when you've been playing for an hour. It sort of goes into slow mode for a second, before kicking back into 60 frames/second, sometimes putting you in precarious situations. Other than that, bang up job, Activision.

The web sounds great- like jello going though a watermelon at the speed of sound. Tobey Maguire sounds a little pisses that he's doing voice-work, but the abundance of one-liners and classic Spidey-isms make up for lack of giving an s-word.

Replayability: 7

All you want is to increase your level score to get more bonus stuff (movies, photos, a wicked Bowling minigame, some alternate modes, and characters) and get more combo pick-ups, so it's up to you. Some of the levels (Vulture's Lair and the factory) are so big and challenging, you may opt to skip them, while take on more fun ones like the Finale and Offer.

Overall: 5

If you're on one of those ''Have to have everything Spiderman'' sprees because of the movie, go ahead and drop $70 to add Spiderman: The Movie to your collection of Kirstin Dunst posters and Green Goblin chocolate bars. If you can go without superheros, rent it. Either way, it's good for a little fun.