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Parenting and Life Balance Stories from a Working Mother and Business OwnerWed, 29 Jul 2015 14:21:49 +0000en-UShourly1Biggest Surprise in Parenting Two Childrenhttp://www.modernmami.com/parenting/surprise-parenting-two-children/
http://www.modernmami.com/parenting/surprise-parenting-two-children/#commentsFri, 25 May 2012 05:50:20 +0000http://www.modernmami.com/?p=5373

I always thought I’d want to have three children. My then-boyfriend, now-husband, thought differently. He thought two would be just fine for our family, but wasn’t entirely against the idea of three. As we had our first child, we adjusted. Anyone who’s had a baby knows exactly how much your life completely turns upside down.

Our family of two became three. We went through the motions of nurturing, caring for, and learning all about our baby girl. As is quite typical within extended family, almost immediately after she was born, we were being asked if we wanted a second child. Our sleep-deprived, defunct brains couldn’t fathom another child. At the time, we were pretty sure our baby girl was going to be an only child.

Through the next few years, my husband and I went back and forth on the issue of having more children. Some months we missed having a young infant in the house and thought we’d eventually have another. Other months – especially those months our daughter was particularly going through a rough phase – we were sure we didn’t want any more. When our daughter hit the tantrum phase, we were pretty much ready to run to the doctor for reproductive surgery to ensure we didn’t have more children. Dealing with tantrums is always rough in parenting. Luckily, though, tantrums don’t last forever.

Once our baby girl got past tantrums and began to act like a human again, we began to have feelings of wanting another baby. It took us a while, but we eventually decided to go for it and try for a second child. Baby girl was four when we got pregnant and turned five when her baby brother was born.

Our family of three is now a family of four. And, we can’t imagine it any other way. It’s hard to think of the days when our baby boy was not around; it seems like he’s always been a part of our family. Of course, we’ve had adjustments, again, to raising two children versus just one child. Honestly, though, it hasn’t been too rough thus far.

My biggest surprise in having two children? How incredibly big their love for each other is! That little boy searches for his sister when she’s at school, is thrilled to see her, and is sad to see her go. In turn, rarely a minute goes by when she’s not talking to, playing with, or harassing her little bro. They were truly made for each other.

If you have more than one child, what has been the biggest surprise for you in parenting siblings?

Disclosure: This post is sponsored by Disney Baby. I’ll be joining the Disney Baby blogging team next month, and look forward to sharing these kinds of stories with you over there! Stay tuned for more details!

Whenever my family gets together, inevitably stories of the past come up. My parents, their siblings, and friends love to reminisce about their younger years. It’s common to hear childhood tales of my mother and her sisters walking home from school through the narrow streets in Aguadilla, Puerto Rico and the people they’d run into. Or perhaps it’s my father sharing with us yet again how his father would take him along to work at Ramey Air Force Base and they’d listen to music together as my abuelo pressed the clothes. According to my dad, this is why he came to love music so much.

Regardless of what story is being shared, one thing remains constant. The joy on my parents’ face as they retell their memories is sure to bring you joy as well. Watching them and listening to their stories always made for an interesting evening. Even when they shared the sadder stories, like when I learned that my mom ate sopa de pan (breadcrumbs in broth) one too many times as a child, they still did so with excitement, nostalgia, and joy. They love to pass on their memories and personally, it gives me a lot of insight into our family’s history.

I still love to hear my parents tell their stories and occasionally ask them to share ones I have already heard many times. Each time, some small new detail they forgot to mention before comes to light. Hearing these stories provides a glimpse into what my parents were like as children and why they are the way they are today.

I suppose the same can be said for my husband and I. Nowadays, we find ourselves reminiscing on those early days before we got married – before the kids and hectic life we lead today. Our daughter seems to enjoy hearing our stories just as I enjoy my parents’. She will often ask us about our childhood or the time before she was born. “When you were little, did abuela read you bedtime stories?” she once asked. When I shared with her about the Quinceañero tradition and the party I had when I turned fifteen, she loved hearing all about it and looking at the photos in my album. It’s fun to see her take so much interest in the past and makes me want to share more.

Our baby girl shares her own stories too. Hers may not always be true, since she often makes up stories and plays pretend, but they are her stories nevertheless. And with her as a storyteller, you truly become immersed in the story. She gives lots of details and will sometimes act out what she’s saying. I suppose one day she’ll be sharing stories of her childhood with her own children.

Storytelling is what keeps things going in many ways. If you think about it, that is how we keep traditions alive and it was the only way of sharing history before we had books. By telling stories, we connect, we inform, we relate. That’s a lot of power for simply sharing what once was.

Do you enjoy sharing or listening to stories? What’s a favorite family story you love to hear?

Disclosure: This story is sponsored by Hallmark through their Life is a Special Occasion campaign. As always, all stories and opinions are my own.

Every time I visit my parents’ house, it brings about bittersweet feelings. I’m glad to be able to spend time with them, but seeing my dad fall deeper into his dementia and be forced to succumb to the disease, is heartbreaking in many ways.

This was a man that growing up I saw as strong and in control. He took care of things, made rational and logical decisions, and was a provider. Now, he doesn’t even know how to properly tie his shoes. He has trouble following a conversation. He asks about things we take for granted; “Do I eat with this?” he says, as he points to the fork on the table.

It’s tough to see him worsen almost daily. The disease has completely transformed him into a different man. There are traces of who he used to be still around, but he acts and looks different. It’s frustrating, sad, and at times, maddening. And, there’s nothing we can do.

My father recently had his 66th birthday. His father lived to the age of 64. These are the things I think about sometimes when I have a few seconds of silence and my brain takes a break from the every day hustle.

66

It’s not really that old. But, when you factor in incidents that have occurred in just the last 4 years…well, I start to worry.

In the last 4 years, my father has retired from work and has developed dementia. This may not mean much at first, except when you realize the side effects of such a disease.

For example…

Though my father has always been in pretty good physical health – despite the family health history of heart disease, diabetes, cholesterol, and high blood pressure that is common in Latino families – the dementia is making my father act differently. You expect differences in mannerisms, conversations, and daily routines, but I wasn’t prepared to see him make himself physically unhealthy.

And I could totally be way off here and incorrectly blaming the dementia. But, it’s all I have to go by at this point. I have no other way of explaining why suddenly he refuses to eat foods he always ate in the past. Or why he is a picky eater now just like a toddler. Why sometimes he won’t eat at all.

Which has all resulted in him weighing 149 pounds. One hundred forty-nine.

So I worry.

I worry that despite my mother’s efforts to make him eat, be active, and drink water, the disease will win over. I worry that a slight cold will make him land in the hospital and will completely invade his body. I worry that he’s just not strong enough to withstand…well much of anything really.

Extreme concerns perhaps, but valid given the circumstances and non-progression for the better.

Before I started blogging my daily routine looked like this: work, pick up kid, cook, take care of kid, watch TV, sleep. Lather, rinse and repeat.

Now, while there’s nothing wrong with that, and I was happy, you can see why it might become a bit monotonous. There was no interaction with other parents in that routine. The people I worked with at the time were either older (with older kids) or younger (with no kids). No one had a child close in age to mine (at the time she wasn’t even 1).

My friends fit into similar categories. They either weren’t even married or were married with no kids. Those who did have kids lived further away so I wasn’t able to see them often.

You might think that I could have joined a local mommy group in order to connect with other moms. However, most of the mommy groups are catered for stay at home moms. I am a working mom. That means I’m unable to attend events during the week and believe me when I say that none of the groups I looked at had events on the weekends.

So, I found myself interacting mainly with my husband and with my own mom, who is our childcare provider when we’re at work. Until I started blogging.

I began blogging in 2006 after I read one of those “here’s how you can make money working from home” e-books. But, after starting my blog and eventually finding myself on twitter, facebook, and other social networks, I found that blogging was so much more. I was able to actually connect with other moms, and dads, who knew what I was talking about. They got it. Sometimes, they even helped by sharing their experience or tips.

You know the saying. “It takes a village to raise a child.” It was like I had found my own village.

And my daily routine? It now looks a little like this: social networking, work, pick up kid, cook, play with kid, blog, sleep. Or like this: work, kid, house, tweet-up, sleep. Or maybe even like this: work, kid, husband, blog, social networking, sleep.

My daughter is three. As a preschooler, she loves to “read” and loves for us to read to her. She received a Leapfrog Tag system from her tio for Christmas and uses it on an almost daily basis. That is how she can “read” a book to us.

But, she can also take a regular book and either tell us the story from memory or a lot of times she’ll just make up her own story with the pictures. I’ve heard these are all good things for learning to read. So, I take it we’re on the right track.

Now, how do we take it to another level?

Well, I’m no teacher, so I don’t magically have the answer. Luckily for me, though, there are plenty of resources out there for parents like you and me to learn more about how to help our kids learn to read and develop their language skills.

Reading Rockets: For Families – This site has articles and information with tips on reading with your kid, as well as for recognizing when there might be issues in reading (for older kids obviously). They also have a facebook page if you want to connect with them.

Literactive – You can get more than just information on this site. They provide activities and worksheets that you can use with your child.

U.S. DOE Free Publications – I’ve linked to the Top 10 publications from the Department of Education with the first 4 listed being information on how parents can help their kids get ready or learn to read. They’re divided by age level.

These are great for all parents, but also good for those home-schooling parents out there. And, there’s so many more sites out there!

If you want, you can browse all the sites I’ve bookmarked on delicious and tagged with reading.

What methods have you found work for helping your child learn to read?

It’s been almost a year and a half since my father was diagnosed/un-diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s. They haven’t actually given an exact diagnosis. The exact words were “Well we don’t *want* to call it Alzheimer’s, but there’s been a significant loss of memory for a man of his age and education.”

Ummm ok. What the hell *should* we call it then?

What do you call it when you’ve known a man to be a certain way all your life and suddenly for no apparent reason, he begins to start acting differently? What do you call it when he suddenly can’t remember his PIN number? How about when he suddenly has to ask his wife if the throat drops she gave him are to be swallowed or chewed?

What *do* you call that?

Aging?

Maybe. But, it’s definitely hard to pass it off as just old age. There’s just too many little things he’s doing and saying differently.

No matter what you call it, it’s becoming very difficult to deal with. And I am a few steps further back from it than my mother. She actually has to live with the man and sees/hears it 24/7. I see bits and pieces of it all when I visit, but mostly I live it through my mom.

The more difficult part is figuring out a way to help my mother deal with things. Thus far, she’s had nothing but constant frustrations. From being told SHE’S the one that remembers something wrong, to being asked the same things over and over, to just seeing the man she’s known and loved for over 40 years slowly deteriorate…mentally. It’s a little hard to just dismiss it and suddenly have to completely shift your thinking to try to remember that’s it’s not him actually doing all that, not on purpose.

But, I can only do so much. I can’t make her understand. I can’t tell her how to handle the situations because I’m not living them. I can only suggest.

Suggest that she have patience. Suggest that she listen. Suggest that she not take things to heart. And remind her that he’s not doing it on purpose. He’s not out to get her. It’s nothing personal.

We all know that’s much easier said than done.

How do I help her change her ways to make things easier for herself? How do I help him see we’re just trying to help? How do I force myself into a scenario where I’m not being invited, but rather pushed away? And how in God’s name do I carve out even more time to actually make a difference?

It’s hard for me to be there. Truly be there – for her or for him. Time. It only allows for me to be halfway there. Sometimes.

Because it’s not just the kid, the husband, the house, work, and the second job. It’s also spending time with the parents and helping out if I can. It’s all of those and more combined.

It’s the Modern Mami effect I suppose.

P.S. As I finish up this post, the official diagnosis is back. Dementia. “You can basically say it’s early Alzheimer’s.” Officially.

Guest Post by Andrew Flusche, a Virginia lawyer who runs a general practice law firm in Fredericksburg. He is married, but he and his wife have not yet been blessed with children. For more legal tips, check out www.AndrewFlusche.com.

It’s not easy being a parent, especially since you also have to deal with a ton of laws relating to you and your children. Since legal issues crop up in the most unexpected places, here are some tips to keep in mind. You never know when one of these nuggets will be just what you needed to know.

Children have free speech in school. Many schools these days are trying to clamp down on what children do and how they express themselves. If your child has strong beliefs on a subject, she may want to wear a T-shirt or other apparel in support of that cause. Generally speaking, schools cannot prohibit this. Since the government forces children to attend school, it cannot simultaneously strip free speech rights in the schoolhouse. That would violate the First Amendment. If your child wants to express themselves at school, use the law to stand behind him.

Don’t forget those tax deductions! April 15 has come and gone for 2008, but now is the time to properly plan for next year’s taxes. Fortunately, there are several tax deductions centered around children. You can deduct medical expenses for them, just like you would for yourself. And be sure to keep track of mileage to appointments. That can really add up! And the Child Tax Credit can reduce your tax liability by $1,000 for each qualifying child.

Nanny cams pose legal dilemmas. It’s your responsibility to make sure your children are protected at all times, but a nanny cam might bring about legal quandaries. The International Nanny Association has an entire page about nanny cams. You should consider whether or not you tell the nanny about the camera. Also, if you tape conversations without at least one party’s consent, you might be breaking electronic surveillance laws.

Keep your will up-to-date. If you have children, please execute a will. You may think that the law will take care of everything without a written will, but you might be shocked at what can happen. A will is also needed to designate guardians for your children, especially if you and your spouse both pass on. Even if you executed a will at one point, make sure it’s current. You shouldn’t need to update it with each new child, but you should make sure it still accurately reflects your wishes.

Always get parental consent. As a parent, you’ll likely have many interactions with other people’s children. You always need to make sure that the parents do consent to whatever the child wants. It can be a crime to transport a child somewhere if the parents don’t consent, even if the child does consent. It makes logical sense, but we don’t always consider the possible criminal consequences to our actions.