Monday, February 7, 2011

Top 10 Things I Can Do Without

You know those things that you absolutely hate? That you wish didn't exist? That you could do without their existence? These are mine . . .

Tights as Pants: Ladies, tights ARE NOT pants. Cover up your butt. I don't care if it is bigger than Bessie's or isn't even big enough for a mosquito to land on, I don't want to see it in spandex. {No one else does either.} The only kind of man you're going to attract by wearing spandex isn't interested in marrying you, I promise. And if you're not trying to attract someone, WHAT are you doing?

Whining: Let me clarify - not my toddler whining. Granted that is not the most fun thing in the world, but I expect it. Adults, however, are not pleasant to hear whine. Ever. Facebook is the worst. I'm sorry your life is so tough. Your sister's aunt's brother's cousin came in a day early. Your ex-husband is a scum bag. Pregnancy heartburn really sucks today (Be thankful you are pregnant). Whining is annoying. How about we all pretend like it's Thanksgiving every day and only post positive statuses??

Dirty Dishes: I mean how do Ryanne and I produce so many dirty dishes when Trey is not home. Seriously? Go away, dishes.

Laundry: Hello, see above. I'm still holding out for that laundry fairy that was part of our marriage vows my imagination. I really don't mind washing, but I hate putting away. Anyone want to trade?

Alarm Clocks: Wouldn't the world be lovely if we could run on our own time? The CRAZY people who like to get up with the roosters could do so, and the rest of the world could get up around 10. I'm totally thinking that productivity would sky rocket and depression rates would plummet. Get that message to Obama, for me would you? After all, he thinks he can control the world.

Our Metal Roof: Don't get me wrong, I love our roof. The rain pouring onto the metal is such a lovely sound. However, with the mounds of snow we've been getting lately the grooves of the metal creates sliding ice berg sheets that could knock out Dumbo. It makes me terrified to walk out of my house.

Handy Manny: I'm just NOT a fan. I wish it didn't exist. Got that, Disney channel?? Could we just skip the handy manny, and play another episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. That would make my life better.

Sizes: I mean can someone please sneak into my closet and sew a size 4 label onto all my size 8 clothes? That would make my heart warm. Who really needs sizes anyway. Nothing is truly the same size, and sometimes I swear that clothing manufacturers mis-size their clothing solely to play with women's emotions. Let's call everything a size 4 and be done with it, okay???

Vegetables: What a sacrifice. That right there takes guts, and strength ladies and gentlemen. This veggie loathing woman is willing to sacrifice for the good of the world. Send my share of the veggies to the kids in Africa, okay? Please don't alert the media. I don't want the attention.

Leak Proof Sippy Cups: Every Mom knows there is no such thing. Manufacturers should spend an hour or two, in a white suit before a big meeting, with a toddler in their lap holding on of their precious "leak proof" sippy cups full of chocolate milk before they make such vivacious claims. Isn't there some law against false advertising? I mean, if EVERY toddler's sippy cup leaks, something has to be wrong, right??