This seems to be the most clear and
direct way to identify your feelings. One practical and
important benefit to doing this is that it helps you and
others know what you need whenever there is some painful
or uncomfortable feeling. In the case where a person
feels rejected, for instance, it is an indication there
is a need for acceptance. Similarly, when we feel hungry
there is a need for food and when we feel thirsty we need
water to satisfy our natural human need.

The purpose for developing our emotional
literacy is to precisely identify and communicate our
feelings. When we do this we are helping nature fulfill
its design for our feelings. We must know how we feel in
order to be able to fill our emotional needs.
And we must communicate our feelings in order to get the
emotional support and understanding we need from others,
as well as to show our emotional support and
understanding to them.

Also, one of the first steps to
developing our emotional intelligence is to improve our
emotional literacy. In other words, to improve our
ability to identify our feelings by their specific names
- and the more specific we can be, the better. Though the
term emotional literacy is not used in the Mayer Salovey model of emotional intelligence, they do say that
the first branch of emotional intelligence is ...the
capacity to perceive and to express feelings. They
then add that Emotional intelligence cannot begin
without the first branch..." 1Mayer and Salovey have also written that the
"ability to label emotions" is part of
the third branch of their model (Emotional understanding)
2

In the English language we have
thousands of words which describe and identify our
emotions, we just don't use many of them. (I have been
compiling a list of such words since 1995 and the list is
now over 3,000 words. Here is part of that feeling words list.)

There are a lot of reasons we don't
make much use of this rich vocabulary which is available
to us. One is that we just aren't taught to speak using
feeling words. Other reasons are on this list of "Why it is hard to
talk about feelings" (1) I have found, though, that many people can
identify their feelings quite well when given a little
help.

If you are interested in working on
your emotional literacy, the first step is to start using
simple, three word sentences such as these:

I feel sad. I feel
motivated. I feel offended. I feel appreciated. I
feel hurt. I feel disrespected.

This may feel strange
at first, since not many people do this. But it gets
easier with time, and as you find other people who you
can share your true feelings with. (See also emotional honesty)

In my experience, sometimes just by
naming a feeling, we begin to actually feel the feeling.
It seems that by naming the feeling we help our mind
access the emotional part of the brain where feelings are
stored. This step of identifying the feeling by name is,
I believe, essential to a high development of one's
innate emotional processing abilities. I also believe
that most of the literature on EQ and EI fails to
acknowledge the importance of this and of the importance
of having a rich emotional vocabulary.

When we talk about our feelings using three
word sentences we are sending what have been called
"I messages". On the other hand when we say
things like "You make me so jealous" we are
sending a "you message". These "you
messages" typically put the other person on the
defensive, which hurts communication and relationships
rather than helping.

Note that when we say something
similar to "I feel like you..." we are sending
a "you message" in disguise as an "I
message"!

Some
feeling words not only express a feeling, but also
express the intensity of the feeling. By expressing
intensity, they communicate the degree to which our needs
are being met and our values and beliefs are being
upheld. Accurately capturing the intensity of an emotion
is critical to judging the message our feelings are
sending. If we either exaggerate or minimize the feeling,
we are distorting reality and undermining the
effectiveness of our communication.

Here are a few ways to verbally
express the intensity of a feeling

1. Weighting the feeling
with a modifier

I feel a little hurt. I feel
extremely hurt.

2. Choosing a specific
word on the continuum of that emotion

I feel: annoyed... angry ...
incensed...ballistic.

3. Making use of a 0 to 10
scale

I feel hurt 2 out of 10.

Of the three methods, the 0 to 10
scale is the one I like the best, especially if someone
else is really interested in my feelings.

Often, it is socially unacceptable
to directly express certain emotions. We are too afraid
of offending others, too afraid of appearing unhappy or
unhealthy, and too afraid of social disapproval. Sadly,
we live in a world where appearances matter more than
reality. This seems to be especially true in the upper
classes of society where conformity and etiquette are so
important.

So instead of truthfully expressing
our feelings clearly and directly, we express the same
emotions indirectly, either through our actions or our
body language. Sometimes we actually outright lie about
our feelings. When we start to hide our feelings, lie
about them, or tell people only what we think they want
to hear, we impede communication, distort reality, fight
evolutionary intelligence and dishonor nature.

Let's look at some examples of how
we corrupt the language of feelings.

Masking Our Real Feelings -
There are many ways we mask our real feelings. Sometimes
we just plain lie about them, for example when someone
says she is "fine" even though she is obviously
irritated, worried, or stressed. Sometimes we
intentionally or unintentionally substitute one feeling
for another. For example, if I say "I hope it
doesn't rain," we might actually be feeling afraid
that it will!

Inconsistency - Often, our
tone of voice or our body language contradicts the words
we are saying. None of us can totally hide our true
feelings, but many of us do try to disguise our voices to
go along with the act. People who are especially
superficial even adopt the cosmetic voices found on
television in order to further conform to societal
expectations, and further mask their true feelings.

Overuse - One of the ways we
corrupt language is to over-use a word. Consider the word
"love." We love corn on the cob, root beer,
apple pie, and our mothers. Doesn't it seem there should
be a different word for the way we feel about our parents
as opposed to food?

Hate is another word which is
tremendously overused. If someone hates traffic, hates
spinach, and hates lawyers, how can they express their
feelings about child abuse?

Exaggeration - When we
exaggerate our feelings we are lying in order to get
attention. People who need to exaggerate have had their
feelings neglected for so long, they have resorted to
dramatization to be noticed and cared about.
Unfortunately, when they send out false signals, they
alienate people and risk becoming like the boy who cried
wolf. As the story goes, because he sent out too many
false alarms, he was ignored when he truly needed help.

Consider these exclamations, none
of which are typically true in a literal sense:

I feel mortified. I feel
devastated. I feel crushed. I feel decimated. I felt run
over by a truck.

Minimization - Many people
minimize their feelings, particularly when they are
upset, worried or depressed. They use expressions such
as:

I'm fine. I'll be alright. I'm
okay, don't worry about me. There is nothing wrong. I
said I was fine.

Such people typically are either
too proud, too stubborn, too scared or feel too unworthy
to share their feelings. They desperately need to be
connected with others, but they will not allow others to
get close to them. They effectively push people away by
withholding their true feelings.

Because we are not skilled at
directly expressing our feelings, we often use indirect
communication of our emotions such as by using examples,
figures of speech, and non-verbal communication. Let's
look at a few of these forms of indirect communication.

I Feel Like ....

Using sentences that begin with
"I feel like..." may be the most common form of
communicating our feelings. The literal result is that we
often feel like labels, thoughts, and behaviors, as we
can see below:

I feel like (a label) - In
the examples below we are labeling ourselves, and not
clearly and directly expressing our feelings.

I feel like: ... an idiot ... a
baby ... a failure

We typically use lots of
expressions which put ourselves down. These negative
labels certainly don't help us feel any better about
ourselves. In fact, by mentally branding us, they make it
more likely we will repeat the exact kinds of actions
which caused our feelings.

I feel like (a thought) - In
these examples we are actually conveying more of a
thought than a feeling.

I feel like you are crazy. I feel
like it was wrong. I feel like he is going to win.

I recall a conversation where I
asked someone how she felt about something and she said,
"I feel like you shouldn't have done that." At
another point when I asked about her feelings, she said
"I don't want to get into all of that." Such a
lack of emotional literacy and emotional honesty makes it
difficult to have a relationship, even a friendship or a
working relationship.

I feel like (a behavior) -
Here, we are expressing our feelings in the form of a
behavior. Again, these are unclear and indirect. They may
be graphic and entertaining, but they are usually
exaggerations and distortions which don't help us focus
on our true feelings.

I feel like: ... strangling him ...
shooting him ... wringing his neck ... telling her off
... teaching him a lesson ... filing for divorce ...
dumping him ... quitting ... giving up ... jumping off of
a cliff

In other words, people who use such
expressions feel like a behavior, an action, an act.
Thus, they are not in touch with their feelings. They may
be acting out their lives as they think others would
rather than acting as unique individuals. Or they simply
imagine themselves taking action rather than actually
using their emotions to motivate them to take appropriate
action.

Studies show that up to 90 percent
of our communication is non-verbal. When we communicate
non-verbally our bodies are literally expressing
themselves. When Shakespeare said the eyes are the
windows to the soul he was implying the eyes are the best
non-verbal indicator of our emotional and intellectual
state of mind.

For example, we think of those who
will not look us in the eyes as untrustworthy, dishonest,
afraid or insecure. We think of those who have alert,
expressive eyes as intelligent, energetic, and emotional.
Our eyes have the power to judge, to attract, and to
frighten. Through our eyes we can show: interest,
boredom, disbelief, surprise, terror, disgust, approval,
and disapproval. Many parents can bring their children to
tears, for example, without saying a word.

Our faces often express what we are
not saying verbally. Our lips may tremble when we are
afraid. Our forehead wrinkles when we are concerned or
confused. And when people tap their fingers or feet they
are usually feeling impatient.

Research shows that those with high
EQ are better at reading these non-verbal cues. This
gives them valuable information, particularly from people
who are not expressing themselves verbally, or whose body
language is inconsistent with their words.

We are going to miss the train. vs I
am afraid we are going to miss the train.

I believe it is
important to express feelings instead of making
predictions like this. For more on this idea, especially
as it relates to parenting, see this file.

Summary

After we learn to find the right word for
our feeling and its intensity, the next step is
explaining why we feel what we feel. At this point, our
analytical brain is called into action. We actually make
things much easier on ourselves and others when our
language is clear, direct, and precise. When our words
and our non-verbal communication is consistent, we gain
respect because we come across as having integrity.
Clear, honest communication is not only helpful in
personal relationships, but essential to a society. We
are simply all better off when we all follow the old
rule: Say what you mean and mean what you say.

On two occasions I realized I was being
mocked. In both cases I expressed my feeling directly and it
proved very helpful to me.

In one situation I told my brother I felt
mocked. It took me till I was approximately 37 years old to
realize that he had mocked me all of my life. Once I realized it
and named the feeling and confronted him with it, it freed me to
stop defending myself. It also helped me realize that this was
one of the ways my self-esteem was damaged when I was young. And
it helped me decided not to spend more time with that brother.

On another occasion I was attending an open
lecture to approximately ten students by a university professor
on socialism and communism. (At a university in Florida for
especially high IQ undergraduates) I was asking a lot of
questions he did not want to answer. Except for me, all the
others in the room were sympathetic to his beliefs. At one point
one of the students mocked a question of mine as a way of
defending the professor. The other students were laughing at my
expense. I said firmly, "I feel mocked and I would like to
have my question answered." This quieted the room and the
professor answered my question. From that point on, because I had
asserted myself in a clear and direct way, I felt more
self-respect and more respect from the students who were
otherwise starting to join in on their attacks on me. That was
several years ago. I still feel the tension in that room, yet I
feel proud that I handled it in the way I did. These students had
never seen me before, by the way, since I was visiting their
campus and just happened to stop in for the lecture.

Feeling Attacked, Undermined

I can think of two times when I was giving
a talk and someone in the audience was clearly feeling skeptical.
Instead of saying they felt skeptical though, on both occasions
the person was asking me questions to try to lower my
credibility. In one case I said, I will answer your question, but
first I will ask you to tell me how you are feeling. This
immediately helped the audience focus on the person asking the
question, thereby taking the pressure off of me. It also helped
the audience see that the person was feeling a little hostile,
which helped the audience feel more empathy for me. And it helped
me realize that this particular person was the one with the
problem, so to speak. This helped me feel less defensive, more in
control, and more secure. I even felt some compassion for him as
he tried to explain how he was feeling and why.

In the other case, I said to the person,
"It sounds like you are feeling a little skeptical, is that
fair to say?" He answered that yes, it was fair to say. Just
correctly identifying his feeling helped him feel more relaxed,
something which I could see by his facial expression and body
language. I told him I could understand that he would have reason
to feel skeptical and I asked him to just try to have an open
mind while. He agreed to this and ended up being a helpful
participant for the remainder of the talk.

--

See also

The true story "I feel
scared" about a daughter and
her father who was driving dangerously.

The examples above show that there is some
psychological power in naming what is happening. When one person
is attacking another with words and the victim does not really
know what is going on, the attacker has even more psychological
power. But as soon as the victim correctly identifies what is
happening, the attacker loses some psychological advantage and
the victim somehow feels more secure. This is evidently because
the mind has a need to know what is happening, especially when
there is danger. Once the danger is identified, it can be
addressed. Also, there is a fear of the unknown which is removed
when the feelings are named. Naming the other person's feeling
seems to have a disarming or a de-masking value. Naming a feeling
can be used as a form of counter-attack, or it can be used as a
form of understanding and agreement. It all depends on how the
technique is used. The ability to identify and name feelings is a
form of power, and like all power it can be used to hurt or help.

2.
What is Emotional
Intelligence, by John Mayer and Peter Salovey. Chapter 1, pp.
10,11 in Emotional Development and Emotional Intelligence:
Educational Implications, by Peter Salovey and David
Sluyter. 1997.