Santa Claus

A Photo Album Of Everyone`s Favorite Night Rider

December 22, 1991|By Jeff Lyon.

He`s ba-a-a-a-a-a-ck.

Who`s back, you say? Why, that original do-gooder himself, Santa Claus, whose forklifts are busily stuffing his bottomless bag and who soon will harness his reindeer for his annual sweep of the world`s chimneys (and whatever it is he uses to gain access to houses that lack such openings, which is the first probing question any child ever asks.)

Along with with Mr. Claus` busy pace on the loading dock is his simultaneous appearance at hundreds of thousands of locations-at department stores, malls and street corners-suggesting that he has developed the technology to fax himself. What`s more, as the photos on these pages attest, the right jolly old elf has been doing this for decades, proving his mastery over the laws of physics, except perhaps the one governing the accumulation of body fat.

If Santa Claus did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. He is the embodiment of holiday cheer, of selfless giving, of goodwill toward men, and the fellow who makes it possible for parents to conceal their true net worth from their children in their constant whining for toys: ``That`s too expensive for us right now, but maybe Santa will get it for you when Christmas rolls around.``

Santa has been an inspiration to hundreds of songwriters and poets, and some of the most beloved works in the English language feature him and his lovable quirks.

But some people this year are suggesting that, good old boy that he is, Santa Claus may not be as politically correct as he should be. For instance, he is somewhat hard on if not downright cruel to animals, making them cart him around all night all over the darned planet.

Moreover, he smokes. And he carries around who knows how many extra pounds, hardly the kind of image we want in our role models. He hires dwarfs, so on that score-hiring the disadvantaged-he gets a few points, but he works them 364 days of the year, and to the best of anybody`s knowledge, he doesn`t pay them a penny. Moreover, he`s got this nice old gal for a wife, but he never suggests that she take a job outside the home.

Claus is full of dangerous ideas. He encourages people to cut down trees, he wears (in this day and age!) fur on his outfit and, worst of all, undercuts the American worker by competing with toy companies with goods produced by cheap North Pole labor.

Santa Claus, if you get right down to it, is a humbug. But thank heaven for him. With all his faults, at least he`s our humbug.