Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
4572

Going To Heaven
A preacher goes into a bar and says: "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says: "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says: "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now." Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
4573

A Lawyer In The Family
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." Ryan Murphy

Wednesday

Joke
N°
4574

Sleeping It Off
After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.
Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
Ryan Murphy

Thursday

Joke
N°
4575

Getting Screwed
Two attorneys were walking out of a bar when a beautiful young lady walks by.
One attorney turns to his associate and comments: "Boy, I would like to screw her!
The other attorney thinks for a second and says: "Out of what"? Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
4576

Nicknames
There are these three girls, and their boyfriends all have the same name. In order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames.
So they ask the first girl what she called her boyfriend:
"I call my man 7-UP," she says.
“Why do you call him that?"
“Because he's seven inches long and is always up,” she explains.
They ask the second girl what she calls her man.
She says: "I call my man Mountain Dew."
“Why do you call your man that?" they ask.
She responds: "Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me."
They ask the third girl the same thing and she says: "I like to call my man Jack Daniels."
They look at her puzzled and say: "Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor."
"Exactly," she says. Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
4577

Camel Time
There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel: "What time is it, sir?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down: "It's about 2:00," he says.
The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough it is 2:00 p.m. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story: "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!
One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens: It is 2:05.p.m.
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.
The local says: "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals. Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall..." Ryan Murphy

Sunday

Joke
N°
4578

Nude Gambling
Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says: "I want to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude."
They agree to her unusual request and she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams: "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.
For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says: "What did she roll, anyway?"
The second dealer says: "I don't know. I thought you were watching." Ryan Murphy