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Rules for the “Express Lanes” in stores

These lanes were made for people like me: always in a hurry and yet we always have our stuff together and are ready to go. I’d like to propose a set of rules for using the express lanes, to make them better serve their expressed purpose.

1. 20 items or less means 20 items or less. Seriously. 21 is greater than 20, so too bad. If you have more than 20 items and you try to use the express lane, then the people behind you should get to beat you with whatever item over 20 they wish. If you can’t count to 20, go to the regular lanes.

2. No funny math. If you have more than 20 items and you want to try to be clever and separate them into two orders, that doesn’t count. If you have legitimate reason for separating them into two orders, I don’t care. You still go to the regular lanes. You must respect the sanctity of the express lanes.

3. Know how to use your debit/credit/EBT/whatever card or have your cash ready. Additionally, know when to use it.Don’t wait until the order is completely rung up to slide your card, stare at the display uncomprehendingly, and then finally enter your PIN – only to have to repeat the procedure two more times because you’re not used to this newfangled technology. If you’re paying in cash, have it ready. I don’t care if you’re paying exact change as long as you have that coin purse open and ready to go.

4. No coupons. None at all. One out of every three coupons slows things down because they’re either expired or don’t apply to what the customer thinks it applies to. Save that BS for the regular lanes.

5. No waiting for somebody to grab something for you. This doesn’t need explanation.

6. Ah, screw it. If you’re reading this and following along and agreeing with me, you’re not the problem. If you couldn’t get past #2 without getting confused, you’re definitely the problem.