Tag Archives: God’s timing

I have been spinning since last Monday’s… um… whatever that was. Life crisis? Minor breakdown?

Whatever. It left me reeling a bit – my days are so busy that I don’t so much think about it, but I have felt this heaviness in my heart that goes with me through my days. There’s moments where I recognize the disconnection I talked about – and try to consciously just “be” with Junior in a particular moment. Mostly days are a blur.

But the nights….

I haven’t slept over an hour in a stretch since I wrote those words a week ago. Visions of what could be, and what will never be; dreams of an alternate reality; the heaviness rising up to a kind of pain consuming my feelings – all with me in and out this fitful sleep. Such long, awful nights.

My sudden and overwhelming discontent is turning me into a zombie during the day and a haunted shell each night.

This morning, in the predawn hours after a night of prayer and tears and hurt, I did what I so often do when all seems lost, I opened my Bible to whatever page it wanted to fall, and I search for words to soothe and guide. It fell open to Hebrews 13, and I read:

“Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as you have: for he has said, I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5.

Oh. yeah.

That.

I felt awful (I know – mission NOT accomplished there, Keri.)

I am in a spiral of anger and envy and want about all of the things my life is not, and I have been letting it drown out all of the amazing gifts He has given me. I am not walking alone here – I am not where I am by accident. I haven’t been given some cosmic shaft (for lack of a nicer term.) I am on the path God chose for me.

If this moment is a message put upon my heart by Him, then it is a flashlight at my feet, to perhaps guide me to a next step; not a glaring spotlight meant to highlight so many wrongs that have happened to get me here so far. A tug on the heart in a different direction shouldn’t be ignored, but losing the joy that I find in my life as it is now because of it is foolish.

Throughout my day I have been reading that verse, again and again, and then finding something happening RIGHT THEN to thank God for.

-light traffic on the way to Junior’s school

-one of our current favorite songs playing while we drove (Breathe by Johnny Diaz – also a good reminder.

-coworker who brought in really good Green Chile to share today (can I get an amen, my fellow GC lovers?)

-beautiful weather when I walked Potter today

-our amazing neighborhood and the house that God guided us too almost 4 years ago

-Junior’s awesome school and teachers who adore the kiddos, and the amazing things he is learning and doing

-contract writing work that is allowing me to do what I love and secure our family’s financial future

-the world’s friendliest grocery store checker when I ran by for a few things

On and on….

Life is not so bad, Keri. Even if it isn’t that IG picture you built into perceived perfection a week ago.

So I will do what I can, I will pray and keep my heart open to possibility. I will make a concentrated effort to fight back against envy and anger and other attacks – I know they are not from my Lord and they have no place in my heart.

I choose to see this moment as a door cracking open – showing me a glimpse of all that will be down the path He has chosen for me to walk. I choose to be content in His way, AND His time.

Do you ever feel like you just can’t pray enough about a decision? Like even seemingly perpetual, unending prayer is just not bringing your heart, mind, or hands closer to a course of action?
That is very much where I find myself just now. There are all of these monumental, life-altering, WAY TOO BIG FOR JUST ME choices coming at me in lightning succession, and I feel frozen – unable to move at all. I talk to God. Ask for clarity, guidance, wisdom, understanding…. Even a literal SHOVE in the right direction at this point.
All stays murky. No light, even at my feet to confirm that the ground will be there when I take my next step.
My doubt is compounded by my inability to wait for a clearer path to develop. These are decisions that have to be made – time won’t wait. So I guess… and then I second guess myself.

A lot.

SO MUCH.

Is the quiet, the lack of resounding confirmation and positive occurrence some sort of message that all is not well, that I am faltering and endangering my family’s welfare? I wonder with each decision I am forced to make in the vacuum of seeming unanswered prayer… is this the thing that will ruin it all? Is this what I should do?
“Be still” is not an option here. Absence of response is not an option here.
Reflecting on the past, God’s answers, his direction, his plan – none of that has manifested as a whisper I had to strain to interpret. I guess God knows me well enough to know that he has to hit me over the head with it –I don’t do subtle.
I don’t do risk well either – and each choice lately seems so full of risk.
I literally tremble with the fear of potential harm/greatness when I sit here thinking of the wheels I have set in motion.
In the quiet, the uncertainty, and the magnitude – still I pray.
Please Father… Please God. Don’t let me ruin absolutely everything chasing fool’s errands.
What do you do when it feels like God isn’t listening? When His plan seems more unclear than ever before, and you can’t feel His hand guiding you?
(No really… if you are a Spirit of Power reader, I’d love to know. How then, do you make those choices, when prayer upon prayer bring you no closer to and understanding of which road to choose?)
The comments section is open… share, if your heart calls you to.

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Spirit of Power · Our journey to embrace Timothy 1:7 – For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline