Ancient Tales of a Kingdom not Unlike One You Know

Chronicles of Chill: The Oponimousity of Ogbenyssius

After the defecation of Abushola to Padipalia, Gah Rah of the junior senateens also defecated and the stench was encapsulated upon the land. Not to be outdone in the shittery at hand, the Apicureans went ambushing the Padipalians and swung the Damoclean sword of the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission over the head of Godsswag, former King of Ibomossotamia.

Then Abushola, filled with defecatory passion rose and declared to the people that he was tired of the torment of them visiting him in his dreams, stoning him with many golden crowns, beating him with many sceptres. He had heard their cry and he would seek to stand for House Padipalia in electoralis.

This filled the camp of Arty Cool with perturbations and lo did Arty Cool burst into tears. For this had been his quest for several quadrannia, so sit on the Iron Throne of Boo Jar, in Bedrock.

And yea, the Lovengers were again full of voice. Whilst even they couldst no longer declare all blessed for the privilege of being ruled by Gambrach, they praised him nonetheless, for that was the kind of not always logical thing Lovengers did.

Behold, in that day rose two other men with designs on the throne. One was Fellax Duroximus, spouse to the High Priestess of Mua, the goddess of penging. The other was a man named Mogallus Prime, a man of great learning who had served the Kingdom as deputy prefect of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar.

When Duroximus was asked why he wouldst be King, he replied “Tis by the throne alone that we can make bread from stone and hone the tone of the cone that keepeth the people in the zone not of cologne, causing them to moan and groan in a place where light should have shone!” Lo, the people nodded in befuddled agreement.

And when Mogallus was asked, he responded saying, “Behold, my stewardship to the country possesseth international exposure, lo my learning is Harvardian and yea am I not a small boy.”

Thus it was that one day, Duroximus came upon Mogallus returning from his many travels across the Kingdom to bring the people to his side for electoralis. “Mogallus,” hailed Duroximus, “why exerteth thyself so? See ye not myself and several others who do not traverse the kingdom and yet enjoy the followage of the Social Medianites? Knowest thou not that traverse is perverse for those averse and who can rehearse to converse and immerse to disperse?”

“Huh?” replied Mogallus.

“What I mean is, let us call Lady Zek Way to preside over us that we may choose which of our number will contend against the Apicureans and Padipalians.”

“But I am a big boy, with exposure internazionale. Thou standest no chance against me.”

“Let us do it then. And the winner shall stand down.”

Thus did they call Lady Zek Way to oversee the casting of lots. And the lot fell on Duroximus to lead the charge of the independents. “Bollocks!” said Moghallus, “big boys can’t be bound by small contests.” And that was the end of that.

And across the land, the time came once again for the contenders to indicate their contention through the extravagant purchase of an expressio d’interest. The Apicureans knew that Gambrach was unable to purchase the Apicurean expressio, for the cost of it was an amount thoroughly repugnant to the righteousness of Gambrach.

Wherefore the debtor king of Kogitaria, Yaya Bellows, declared to the Kogitarians, “Ye must starve another 9 months, for I have decided to spend thine wages on the Gambrachian expressio d’interest. Tis my glorious duty as his son.” Thus was the expressio obtained for Gambrach, who hated corruption with every fibre of his being, that he might not partake in the corruption of the purchase.

Lo, in Gideria, King Ambsalom of the trained waist also acquired the expressio d’interest, that he might rule for a second quadrannium. And as he sought to submit it, the receptor asked him, “Where is the seal of Shiwajun?”

“What? I am king. A man of Kwee Lox. My seal sufficeth.”

“Not here, it don’t. Lemme show you something. See this expressio from Shango Lulu. It beareth the seal of Shiwajun, and of the 57 regional Giderian prefects.”

“What? I am king. A man of Kwee..”

“Yeah, okay bruh.”

Behold, the news came unto the people of Digital Perusia and Social Mediana and they were amazed. Wherefore the Lovengers began to speak against Ambsalom, repeating the Latin maxim “Babasopecus, oparithicus.”

Yea, was the cry carried all the way to Oshunlonica, where the reign of Ogbenyssius was about to come to an inglorious end. Babasopecus, oparithicus! Yea, did Shiwajun, filled with the spirit of Babasopecus declare to the Oshunlonicans from the castle of the Lord ToJah, “Listen, ye field nuccuhs! Ye wilt anoint my anointed house nuccuh as thy next King after Ogbenyssius. For I own thy gaddem asses. And all the money in Oshunlonica filleth but one of my side pockets.”

Ogbenyssius looked on, aghast in oponimous impotence. These were the same people that he was owing months and months of wages. Shiwajun looked at Ogbenyssius and at once knew what troubled him so. Fear not, Shiwajun mouthed to him.