The Poop at Home People

Everybody poops. In fact, I would bet a fair number of you are doing it right now while reading this on your smart phone. If you are pooping, I bet you’re doing it at home. Am I right?

It was really tough to find a poop picture that I thought would get by the Facebook censors so I could promote this post. Oh the search terms I used to find these pictures! The NSA will probably laugh their constipated asses off when they review their Phil Factor log today.

This is a sensitive yet important topic that I wanted to be accessible to as many people as possible because this is a very serious subject that impacts millions of poople every day. I want poople to know that domesticus poopius is no reason to feel shamed or embarrassed. I want to bring pooping out into the light, into a public forum where we can all examine it without stigma.

According to true fact statistics that I made up, at least 50% of you are poop at home people. If you’re a poop-at-home-poople, or domesticus poopius, which is the medical name for this disorder, then you’ve been impacted by it’s limitations for your entire life. Am I right?

Reluctant to go out with friends if you haven’t pooped all day? You go as much as possible before a vacation because you know you might not go again for days. Discomfort at work because you won’t go there? Or maybe you’ll go, but only in one particular bathroom and only during a time when no one else is around? Bloating and flatulence from the back-up in your bowels? These are all symptoms of this terrible, terrible condition.

I don’t have this disorder. I can go anywhere. In fact, I’m doing it now. In a stall at LaGuardia airport while I write this on my phone. There’s a line outside the door, but I don’t care. But this is a problem for a lot of you, so let’s talk about it. First, in order to fix the problem you have to understand the why.

Is it a fear of germs at public restrooms? Guess what? Your skin is the largest organ in your body and it’s essentially a giant condom you’re body is wearing to protect your insides from germs. And it does a wonderful job of it, doesn’t it? The only disease you can really get from from a toilet seat is ringworm, and that’s not so bad is it?

Worried about others knowing that smell came from you? Who cares? We all do it. Even the Pope, Queen Elizabeth, and Neil deGrasse Tyson poop and I bet they stink really bad. (In doing my “research” I did find a list of Neil deGrasse Tyson quotes and none of them were about poop, meaning it’s likely he has domesticus poopius and is embarrassed to speak of it)

Domesticus Poopius is so prevalent it has even made it’s way into pop culture. Or should I say poop culture? Some of you may remember a Seinfeld episode where Kramer had to go and couldn’t get home in time and lost the urge, resulting in days long constipation. More recently there was a How I Met Your Mother episode in which Lily found a hotel charge on Marshall’s bank statement and she thought he was cheating until he admitted that he couldn’t get home in time so he got a hotel room so he could be comfortable pooping.

If you think about it, domesticus poopius is really an anxiety/fear based disorder. All toilets are basically the same, unless you’re in a third world country and have to squat over a trough. If you’re anywhere there’s indoor plumbing and you won’t poop it’s because you’re fearful of something involved with the process. Domesticus poopius is a mental disorder that can have real physical symptoms that are dangerous. I could go into a list from WebMD, but it wouldn’t scare you as much as what your imagination might conjure up about holding in your poop too long. Guess what? Your imagination would be right, so go. Go freely and go anywhere it’s legal and appropriate! Free your mind and your bowels and never feel that shame again. If I was Oprah I’d say, “You get to poop, and you get to poop, and you get to poop. Everybody gets to poop!”

Well this has gone on long enough. Gotta go, if you know what I mean. If you want to save the life of a poop at home person please share this with them by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

59 responses to “The Poop at Home People”

Bahaha! Yup, that’s me – I can’t (and have never been able to) poop anywhere but my own toilet, or when i’m absolutely sure that there was nobody else around. It hasn’t affected my social life, but there have certainly been times where I have had to hurry home quickly at the end of a work day!

Thanks for starting off my day with a laugh!! I know a few of these people. I used to be one of them! Used to be…I realized the only person I was doing damage to was me…why not make everyone else miserable instead!! 😀

ALWAYS at home! I just couldn’t do THAT in a public toilet…just the thought makes me break out in a hot sweat! You’re right though, I know many people with this fear…perhaps we should just ‘let it go’ quite literally! *gulp*

Ive been caught short when I had to bare the nethers to the public – so to speak – but there’s no pleasure in it. All sorts of measures have to be taken to minimise splashback, noise and any possible aroma. What is really required is the guarantee that it will be a ‘ghosty’. Disappears without a trace, no evidence to be found, toilet paper examined in amazement. So, yeah, domesticus thingy on the poop scale.
I hope my colleagues don’t read this. Or maybe they should. Some of them save it up for workdays I believe.

May I recommend a cure for the shy and embarrassed types in a deathly quiet cubicle? Put down a “Shit Mitt”, in short when caught short, line the bowel with toilet paper,EUREKA ! quiet as a church mouse!
Great post brought a smile to my face!

PREACH Phil! I used to have this terrible affliction, but like you, I now can go anywhere there is indoor plumbing. In fact, all this talk about poop has stirred up some “emotions” in me…excuse me while I errr….

Hmmm. Verrrry interesting. Personally I’ve never had a pooping problem. Cept for that one time in a restaurant on the lower East side of New York where they have those see thru restroom doors that allow you to see people outside but supposedly they can’t see in. Somehow I never trusted those doors. What if they actually could see in. How the hell would ya know? Anyhow……I did manage to poop…..and, so far have not come across any images of me pooping on Facebook and Twitter. I think.

Really funny! I have a friend whose hubby is so paranoid about someone hearing him pooping that he makes her go to the store while he poops… guess years later he is still trying to keep romance alive or he is just weird!!

I’m not sure what it is with me, Phil, but my body seems to only tell me when it is ready to go when I’m at home. I think that comes after I went once where the person before me had made a real mess. There was nobody else around in the restrooms, so I went. However, when I came out there was a queue, and I firmly told everybody that what was in there had nothing to do with me.

Proper chuckling going on here as my other half disappears to the loo in Cafe Rouge!! 😂😂😂😂 yeah I don’t necessarily do myself any favours in that department but sometimes the domesticus householdus is too far away!!! And yes, there is always that favourite cubicle in the loos at work that has solid walls and a solid door from floor to ceiling. This should be a law thing for all establishments. Good to shed some light on a subject we all take part in 😊👍🏻

Proper chuckling going on here as my other half disappears to the loo in Cafe Rouge!! 😂😂😂😂 yeah I don’t necessarily do myself any favours in that department but sometimes the domesticus householdus is too far away!!! And yes, there is always that favourite cubicle in the loos at work that has solid walls and a solid door from floor to ceiling. This should be a law thing for all establishments. Good to shed some light on a subject we all take part in 😊👍🏻

OMG! You nailed it! I don’t understand why people can’t poop in public. I get it if you need to go #3 and want to wait. But now we have poop sprays like poopourri and it cuts down on the smell tremendously!