Featured Answers

M.C.
answers from
Tyler
on
December 01, 2008

smother her with love the way you did when she was a little girl, have girl time keep her so busy with you she has no time for him then you have givin her time to think ,she will THEN be ready to listen with a renewed trust in you.

Please be gentle and gracious with her...she is seeking value from somewhere. This is so difficult because she is more vulnerable than she will realize. No one had ever made me feel worth anything, I knew I was loved, but I thought it was only becasue my parents had to love me, but no one would ever chose to love me...so having sex with whoever was some sort of validation that I was attractive and wanted...but it wasn't until I was 20 that I realized I thrown away something special for my husband. Help her to understand the dangers...both physically and emotionally and comfort her as best as you can. I have a daughter and this is always my fear...it is not an easy topic. Thanks for asking for help!!

Hey, the one thing that I did not see the other parent's mention is oral sex. Apparently, oral sex is HUGE in teenagers these days and you need to explain to her that you can get STDs (AIDS) through oral sex too. Some people think you cannot.

I definitely think you should take her to the doctor and have her treat this as a responsibility. And, I like one parent's suggestion about talking to the boy as well. I know it is embarrassing, but it is part of the embarrassment factor. Even offer to provide condoms - ANYTHING to get them THINKING about what they are doing.

Plus, I highly recommend that you show her this column. A lot of them women have written in with their personal experiences - not all of them with happy outcomes.

More Answers

K.N.
answers from
Dallas
on
November 24, 2008

WOW! How old is she?
I am so glad I only have boys. When my mom confroted me about it, it was really awkward and I kind of blew her off. I guess, at least in my head, after school one day give her a box of condoms and talk to her about the consequences and make a dr appt for her to get birth control and the HPV vaccine. You can stress that you do not condone it but if she has made that choice then she needs to take precautions.
I know on tv and in school now they really push all that education, but it seems to mean more coming from someone that cares. I would try to take the safety road, physically and emotionally and not the "i thought you would make better choices" speech. Dont be on the defense, that will just start an argument. Not sure any of this helps, Good luck

First and foremost discuss sex with her in a concerning, loving way. Make sure you seem totally comfortable with it and be matter of fact. I would then talk to her about if she would want to see a male gyn or a female gyn and make her an appointment. Discuss the patch with the doctor and get them to prescribe it for her. Then, you fill it, you make sure she puts it on, and then discuss with her about requiring more of herself and that it is ok to wait. We did this with our daughter when we found out she was having sex. We put her on the patch right away...because we were teen parents and are 33 now and do not want grandkids, yet!!! I will casually go in her room after she has had a shower to "see what her plans are for the day". As she is changing I glance at her to make sure she is wearing her patch and I know exactly when it needs to be changed. I stand there and watch her take the old one off and put the new one on. She actually likes it not for the protection from getting pregnant, but it has made her horrible periods much more tolerable. She has since broke up with the guy she was having sex with -- we made it almost impossible for them to breathe without us knowing it...which in turn caused turmoil in the already rocky relationship and they split. She has since pulled herself out of this "slump" and talks about "mom, why did you let me go out with that loser?". They broke up in May and she is just now starting to talk to and consider going out with other guys. The "friends" she has been bringing around have been much better. So, talk to your daughter about protection -- even if you put her on the patch and take her to the doctor and discuss it on a clinical level with her and the doc. Also, if all of this makes her uncomforatble just lay it out there that if she wants to make grown up decisions she needs to be able to handle it like a grown up. If she can not handle it like a grown up then she is not ready for sex. Also, wrtie out a list of what a baby needs -- diapers, formula, clothes, car seats, food, day care, crib, medical bills, etc. and take her down to the store and make her call a doctor's office and child care providers. Make her write out next to it on the list how much things cost, let her add them up, and let her know that this is re-occuring every week. Then ask her how she planned on paying for all that because you aren't going to pay for anything because it would be her child. Continue to talk to her in daily conversations about all of this and let her know how you feel about her having sex. I have found that by the continual talks, my bluntness with my daughter, and me not seeming uncomfortable has gotten her to think aobut her actions. I hope this helps and I have not rambled on to much for you. The key has been I have stayed matter of fact and not squirmy in my seat or like I was embarrassed to discuss it with her.

Hi A.,
It looks like you have lots of good advice. One thing I didnt see is talking about her about sex the way God intended sex to be. There is a book series "Gods Design for Sex" The books range in ages from 3-5, 5-8, 8-11, 12-15 (i think, i dont have the last one yet). I have 3 daughers, 4, 6 and 10. I have already started talking to them to keep our communitation open and to let them know that they are suppose to talk to mom and dad...not friend or other people about this subject. If I didnt have these books to use as a guide I realy didnt know were to start. For example, they suggest the parent read the book with the child. Have you child read when the child in the book talk/ask questions and the parents read the parents part. This really works. It's questions and situations that the are afraid to ask or just dont know how.
For you since you daughter is no longer 3 and 5 years old to start off , can you and you daughter have a "get a way"? Get these books, go somewhere that you two can be alone and be able to freely read and have an open conversation. I know this sounds silly but I would even start with book #1.
Honestly I started having sex as a early age and I wish every that my parents talked to me about it. I wish I would have never even been in those situations to even have sex.
Good luck A.! I know this will be a tough time and please keep us informed.
God bless!
K.

Ohh I had to do this...it's hard. The best way is to start a casual (private) conversation. Ask her point blank and give her the opportunity to tell you. Either way, no matter what she says, begin telling her the consequences of having sex. Recommend birth control and always always always reiterate SAFE SEX!
It does no good to preach abstainence at this point so it's really up to you to weigh YOUR options. Do you want to shame her and make it impossible for her to come to you? or open up a line of communication that is positive (this does not mean you want to hear about her sex life) where you can be the one giving advice?
I chose to take my daughter to the doctor and put her on birth control. I was a teenage mom and if my mother had told me to stop having sex I don't think it would have worked. I let my daughter know that I didn't really approve of her having sex and that with the responsibility came huge consequences but I wasn't going to let an unplanned pregnancy be one of them.
She's a smart girl and I just talk openly with her about her choices and remind her that even the most "monogamous" relationships aren't always. BE SAFE!
It's also a good idea to reach back into your own adolescence and remember how it was for you and your parents at this complicated time in your life. I tried not to make the same mistakes as my mother made with me. If you were someone that waited until marriage before sex, then tell her this too...and remind her how even though she's already had sex it's not to late to save herself for someone she really loves. Chances are she feels in love now (and may be) so I'm sure you might be past that, but either way I think it's important not to make her feel shame for feelings that are raging beyond her comprehension at this time.

My first questions would be how old is she? I am pretty liberal so I don't know if my advice will fit you or not. FIrst of all you can't stop her from having sex if she is going to unless you are with her 24/7. I would tell her that you think she is sexually active and see how she reacts. I would let her know that you wishes she would wait and explain to her the consequences of sex (many of them really don't think about what can happen). Talk to her about pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. I would also talk to her about using protection. I don't think that getting a child is birth control encourages sex, it just helps reduce the chances of pregnancy. Also, talk to her about condoms. Make sure she is using them. If possilbe I would even talk to the boy. My daugher is only 5 and I am not looking foward to this day. I hope she waits until marriage, but I know that statisticlly that is not going to happen. Be open and honest about your feelings about her being sexually active but also let her know that you are there for her.

Please try to consider an avenue other than "confronting" her - it is very negative. Think of it as educating her and keeping her safe. Talk to her about about EVERYTHING, not just the fact that she can catch diseases or get pregnant, but that men will use her for sex and sometimes just walk away, etc.. And even if she rolls her eyes and says "mom, I know that already!", tell her she's going to sit and listen anyway. Sex is a very powerful thing, and so many times children don't understand the power or emotions that having sex can bring with it. Am I advocating teenage sex? NO, but unfortunately she's already made that decision and apart from chaining her to the bed (which I'm sure you've thought of, however illegal) there's no way to really stop her. The best thing you can do is make sure she is protected (PUT HER ON THE PILL SO SHE DOESN'T RUIN HER LIFE!) and educated about the consequences. Whatever you do, don't go into the conversation mad or with a confrontational attitude, because 1- she will immediately shut down and not listen to anything you say, and 2- she'll probably head straight out and do it again without thinking JUST TO SPITE YOU.

Hi, I know that you received quite a few responses so far and I hope that you find something that will work for you and your daughter. As an office manager at an abortion clinic, we see way too many pregnant teenagers. For many of them, it is their first partner, and their parents had just found out the hard way that they were sexually active. The one thing that I would encourage you to do, is be there for your daughter. Don't attack her, don't make the issue about you ("How could you do this to me?" example). Just be the loving, supportive parent that I know that you are. You obviously care about your daughter. Let her know that while you don't support her decision and you are going to encourage her to stop or at least practice safe methods, you are there for her and will help her with the things that she needs to know, such as how to use a condom, pap smears, birth control, that sort of thing.

Talk to her in a loving, accepting way so she knows she's not "in trouble". LISTEN more than you talk. Speak only to get her to say something - you know, open-ended questions. Like "Sweetheart, I've discovered you're sexually active and we need to talk about this. You're not going to be punished for anything you say and I won't judge you. But sex is a very grown up thing and it's very critical that we talk about it openly and that you're 100% honest with me." Find out WHY, then make sure she knows the dangers (they never think it will happen to them but tell her statistics anyway), make sure she's on the pill AND using a condom, and THEN convince that at any time she chooses to stop she can re-gain her virginity and begin fresh again (psychologically, of course). This is important b/c after they have sex once, they figure - "oh well, I've done it once so I might as well again". You know?

My best advice would be, in short, to approach her with questions and not accusations. If you accuse her of anything she will become defensive. She will probably also be embarrassed about the situation. Try to remain calm through out the conversation. The last thing you want is for her to run into her room and slam the door. Don't try and guilt her either, she may already feel guilty and ashamed. The decision to have sex is a big one for girls with lots of emotions involved. There is a possibility she felt pressured into doing something she didn't want to do. She will need facts and opinions from you about sex and the dangers of STDs but most importantly she will need emotional support from you. She should feel that she can come to you without fear of rejection. After all don't you think that would be better than her lying and sneaking around? If she can be open with you that will allow you to share your feelings about the matter. I wish you luck.

As the mom to a teen mother, I strongly encourage you to talk to her as soon as possible. I'm going to tell you right now, that she will probably deny it, and think you believe her ( which is what I did with my daughter). And if she does, take her to the doctor and put her on birth control anyway, its the only way to be absolutely sure that she won't get pregnant with a baby that she really doesn't need. My daughter told me time and time again that she was not having sex, and since I thought we had an open relatinship, I believed her, until the day before mothers day when she was 15 and she came and told me she was pregnant. She has done very, very well with her son, she finished high school seven months early, has worked some kind of job since day one and is enrolled in college online, but not all kids are going to take on the responsibility of being a parent like she did. It is just so much easier to get them on the birth control and not have to worry about them having to be parents too soon. Just sit her down and talk to her, tell her the major risks she is taking with her body and her life and explain to her that while you can't stop her, you are going to have her put on birth control so she wont have to worry about taking care of a child at a young age.

YOu might start outby just saying you want to have a talk, and don't confront her at first ,just have a sex talk, and mention the facts that girls that are (easy) don't ever know if the boy really likes them or are out for what they can get, and the word spreads fast among them, and the girls they want to introduce to their friends and family are the ones they have respect for, not the (easy) ones. Then mention besides value in them selves, that if they get pregnant, it only takes one time, and a baby takes 24 hr. care, not going out with the other kids to have fun, as someone needs to take care of the baby, and it is the mother's responsibility, NOT the grandmothers etc. so don't depend on someone else to do that (even if in reality you might) don't let her think so , and then there is always sexual disease. After the talk mention that if she thinks she may be tempted, as kids pressure each other and you realize that, that you hope she is strong enough to wait, and if not ( if you agree with the pill, and you think she will go ahead behind your back) offer to take her to get the pill, and explain to her you aren't getting it because you approve, just to be on the safe side in case some time she weakened and something happened then she wouldn't come up p.g. ( of course there is still a chance she could get a disease, unless there was a condom. This is a very hard subject to talk about and know exactly what to do. What I have said may not be right, it is just an opinion or something to think about, while you sort through other peoples opiniions.

A., I don't know that I have any advice for you, but I do have a cautionary tale. I'm from England, and teen pregnancy is at least as much of a problem there as here. My mum never spoke to my sister or myself about sex. We thought she was embarrassed or something, and figured we would find out about it all ourselves. My sister ended up pregnant at 16. She dropped out of school, and had a baby boy. At first she thought it was wonderful. She got alot of attention, and everyone loved the baby. Then the father left the picture and she was alone. My mum tried to help out, but it was hard. My sister couldn't get a decent job because of her lack of education. They lived in poverty, and were miserable. When her son was 5 my sister became ill. She would faint, feel like she could throw up etc, but had no idea why. She became scared to visit the doctor, so didn't bother. Finally things became too much and she moved back in with my mum, who made her go to the hospital. Valentines Day 1995 my sister was diagnosed with cervical cancer caused through HPV she caught from a "boyfriend". February 28th they told her it was terminal. They gave her 2 years. We were all devastated, and honestly didn't really bebieve that it could be true. On March 29th 1996, she died.She was 24. In the end she had just over a year with us. Her son was 7 years old with no parents. He is 19 now, and still feels anger, hurt, and frustration at what happened.

I myself became pregnant at age 20 by a man that was abusive at best. I thought I was being careful, but obviously not careful enough. When I was 4 months along, this man beat me and threw me down the stairs. I lost the baby. It was a terrible experience, but it turned things around for me. I took a good look at the choices I had made, and the ones I still had ahead of me, and decided to make some changes. I now have 3 children, and have been married for almost 18 years.

I later found out why my mum couldn't talk about sex. She had been abused as a child by her father, and then as a teenager slept with anyone that showed her any affection at all. She had a baby boy, that she had adopted. Somewhere I have a half brother, and although I would love to meet him, he'll never be able to know my sister, and all of it through sex.

I guess what I want to pass along to you is that the most important thing is to talk. There are probably right and wrong ways to do it, but just doing it is the main thing. I wish you luck, and my prayers are with you and your daughter.

with openess, don't cause confrontation she is going to have sex no matter what. Take her to a clinic immediately have her examined. I do not suggest birth control bc that shows support for her irresponsible behavior. My heart is with you, good luck and please do not listen to anyone who calls an unplanned pregnancy a consequence or a punishment, babies are a gift from God.

There is a speaker named Vicki Courtney who speaks around the country to girls about having sex too early and other issues. She speaks from her own experiences so she does not talk "down" to the girls but openly talks about the risk etc... She has a website (I think it is vickicourtney.com) but you might have to google her name. She also has several books that are great.
The other thought I had was to fine a good female physician who could talk to her about the risk she is taking with her body. I bet the mamas on this site know of could recommend someone. I will say a prayer for you!

Don't assume she hasn't contracted a STD from her activity. The problem touches almost every family. Make an appointment with the family doctor and have her examined. Let him/her know of your daughter's sexual activity and your concerns. Make it clear you want her to have the best medical info on STD's that is possible.
If you take this seriously, maybe she will, too.

I am the mother of a 16 year old daughter and 11 year old daughter, as well as an 8 year old boy. Aren't girls full of surprises! I have found that when I need to talk with my girls about a difficult subject, the best place to begin the conversation is sometimes when we are alone together in the car or in their rooms at bedtime.

As far as how to start the "I think you are having sex" talk-I would do just that. Really can't dance around the issue. And I would emphasize, as I have with my 16 year old, that boys we date in high school will most likely not be the boys we marry. Emotionally the boys in high school are not ready for a commitment. So sex is just that-sex with no attachment. How sad.

I have also talked about teenage pregnancy statistics. And how, in our family, if our daughter were to get pregnant, she would raise the baby AND still go to school. No prom, definitely no more dates, no football games, no movies with friends. And no going away to college. Community college classes during the day and then back home to take care of the baby. Life as she knows it would drastically change FOREVER.

And, last but not least, she would definitely have to go to the OB/GYN for an exam. That comes with the territory. I believe that the physician can also be a big help in discussing dangers of out-of-wedlock sex.

I feel for you and wish you and your daughter the very best. You are a great mom and just remember that as you talk with her!!

Prepare her favorite food and have the table set nicely. Then as you guys are eating, ask her. Or you can get her in the car for a road trip or a distance drive, ask her.

Once you have broken that "secret" have her go to Parkland hospital to the maternity ward and witness young mothers' in labor/perhaps even a delivery. Have her talk to young mother's dependent on welfare or have contracted a sexually transmitted disease. Try and find a not ready for parenthood baby... I cannot remember the proper name of this "doll". I have seen teenagers toting them about.

The guy she is having sex with obviously has no respect for her nor does she have respect for herself. Tell her guys will treat her better if she does not drop her bloomers.

and if she bawlks at this statement tell her to look at those girls that are sexually active and see how the guys/other girl negatively chat about them.

Hang in there Mom.

By the way, if you are a single mom and have a boyfriend that spends the night or whatever, then you are not setting an example for your daughter.

I wouldn't confront her. She'll only put up a wall. Instead, I would talk to her about sex and the subject of safety. Safety from disease as well as pregnancy. I'd also explain to her that love and sex are not the same. I'm sure she'll roll her eyes. I would offer to take her to her first gyno appt and either put her on the BC pill(if she is responsible enough to take them everyday) or the patch which is a good choice for those who are "forgetful"(like myself!) :-)
Don't make her feel ashamed. She decided she was ready whether you agree or not, so the best you can do now is to make sure she understands the importance of safety and explain "promiscuity".
Its important you make her feel she can come to you to talk about these sorts of things. If you "confront" her, it'll only remind her why she kept it from you in the 1st place.

A.,some will say putting her on birth control is encouraging her behavior but I don't look at it that way. She is going to have sex regardless of what you say, and putting her on BC is better than being a grandma before you know it,or having her contract AIDS or herpes. She could miss out on college and all sorts of things. Even worse,you don't want her sneaking away to have an abortion.

Does she have a boyfriend? A good way to start might be," I've noticed you've been spending a lot of time with (Jack) and I just want you to know that I love you and trust you. If you think you're ready for sex, I hope you feel comfortable enough to come to me about it b/c it's important you stay safe. I've been doing some thinking and I've decided its time you see the gynocologist...etc"

Of course, this is assuming she is 16+. If she's younger, then I'm not really sure. How young is too young? And what can you do about it once it's already been done? I'd love to hear the advice you receive.

I wish my Mom would have had the birds & bees talk with me. I was educated about sex by my 5th grade teacher. I wasn't active until I was 17, but I WISH I would have waited! I would definitely recommend talking to her on an adult level. It is very serious. When I was a teen, I never thought a pregnancy or STD would happen to me..you feel invinceable. Luckily, I didn't get pregnant. I did unfortunately get HPV. That is an STD that is rampant now (like 80% of sexually active people have been exposed), and now they're linking it to cervical cancer. My best friend went through chemo/radiation, and cannot have children because of cancer linked to HPV. I also have two other close friends that have had HPV/cancerous paps. Take her to the doctor, get her educated, and don't make her feel bad. The world is a lot different now then when we were teenagers. Despite scare tactics, religion, locking them up...they're going to find a way to have sex if that's what they want. I'm glad you aren't trying to bury your head in the sand. Get to the doc asap.

Hey, the one thing that I did not see the other parent's mention is oral sex. Apparently, oral sex is HUGE in teenagers these days and you need to explain to her that you can get STDs (AIDS) through oral sex too. Some people think you cannot.

I definitely think you should take her to the doctor and have her treat this as a responsibility. And, I like one parent's suggestion about talking to the boy as well. I know it is embarrassing, but it is part of the embarrassment factor. Even offer to provide condoms - ANYTHING to get them THINKING about what they are doing.

Plus, I highly recommend that you show her this column. A lot of them women have written in with their personal experiences - not all of them with happy outcomes.

My mother was very open with me. I told her that I was having sex and she put me on birth control. As a result I got pregnant when I was 16. I am 26 now and have 9 1/2 daugther. I do not regret my baby at all but I don't regret messing out on my high school life. I had to grow up fast. I would tell your daughter that you would rather her wait and make sure she is careful. She is going to do it no matter what. Just make sure and let her know that sex is a very intimate thing and she does not have to do it with every boyfriend she has. I am not going to lie, I thought that is what boys wanted. But, I always ended up being alone because they got it and was done with me. It is very hard to raise a child when you are a child yourself. Be careful on what birth control you and her decide on. The pill is so easy to forget resulting in prenancy. I hope things work out for you.

I have a 15 year old daughter - I have always been very straight about choices and what boys will say to get what they are after (with my son as well). Explain that not everyone is 'doing it' and that if the boy loved you, he would wait, etc. How did you find out and are you positive? I had every indication that my son was but turned out I was wrong. If indeed you are sure I would just make the appointment with the doc, tell her that you want her to be safe 'just in case' and again, go over the use of condoms, empasize that she can talk to you about anything and I would let it go.......other than monitor her behavior more...at 15, my daughter is not allowed to car date and neither is allowed at a home where a responsibile adult is not present........my heart goes out to you.....

As a mother of boys, I feel out of place so I hope you will read this with compassion. My son is involved, not sure how much, with a girl, and the questions I ask him are: What kind of a mother will she make? What kind of ministry will you and she have if you decide you are serious and want to marry? How does she treat her father? --I am always pointing out he needs to consider her character. I suggest you make a list with your husband of questions to consider. The one thing you haven't mentioned is how involved is Dad? He needs to sit down with her, date her once a month (at least) and explain how the male mind works. Example: Males would rather have respect, while we would rather have love. If he can't think of things about what he needs to talk to her about, contact your Pastor or someone you respect. Also, you need to pray for her, learn about how to bless her. pray God gives you wisdom.

My girls are still preschoolers, so I don't have very good advice for you. I will tell you that I listen to a lot of Christian talk radio. Both Focus on the Family and Family Life Today have lots of good resources as well as counselors you can talk with on the phone for help. They can also referr you to counselors locally-- at least Focus can. One of those radio programs had a lady on within the past 6 months who speaks around the country very frankly with teens. She said that the number one fear of teens with sex is an unplanned pregnancy, but on average, pregnant teens have 2.something venereal diseases. She also talked a lot about the emotional bankrupcy of having sex outside of a committed marital relationship. I thought she was excellent! I wish that I remembered her name. It was not about "sex is wrong" because inside the right circumstances, it is a gift from God. But, she talked a lot about the emotional impact as well as the health dangers-- very straight talk-- very scary statistics. Both have featured excellent programs too on the pain of abortion to women after the fact-- that it is a temporary fix with devastating life-long consequences to the mother. My heart hurts for you and your daugther. Praying that this hard thing will draw you closer to one another.
Warmly,
A.

just tell her u no,not with judgements or n e thing like that,just let her no that u no,and talk to her about it,she needs u now,for the reasons that she has friends that r probably doing the same,and she's getting wrong information, because they think they no it all.But mom u need to sit her down and talk to her and let her no the pros and the cons,because her friends r just as unknowledgeable as she is and wrong information can get u into lots of trouble,so I suggest she gets it from a person that's been there,and who's better to tell her than her very own mom,in the long run u guys can have a beautiful relationship where she tells u everything,sometimes that can be annoying(hahahehe)but she will appreciate u being up front with her and talking it over,try it what do u have to lose.Good luck

Girls become chemically addicted when they have a sexual connection with a boy, get her on BC immediately. She is lacking something in her life and needs to feel love. Look at your present family situation. Do not make her feel like a tramp, she will never forgive for the rest of your lives. Learning from our own mistakes leaves an emotional scare that changes us forever. She needs you now more than before. Sex becomes easier to participate in once you've had it, so she will do it again. Hopefully you will be able to become closer, it is easy to judge in this situation...try to not act driven by your emotions. Good Luck

I have a soon to be 14 yr old daughter and this would certainly bother me if I got the same news you did. I am a lot more open minded than some and my opinions are not always in line with a lot of mamas here so this might be too much for some ........I mean no offense whatsoever....just another opinion...

for starters.........the word "confront"....your daughter needs YOU and needs to know that you love her unconditionally. I too feel that some teens are going to have sex no matter what parents think or have taught. We can't hover over them 24/7, as much as we would like to sometimes! I believe in very open communication with my daughter and she knows that we strongly feel that she should abstain from sex, HOWEVER, if she were to make that choice and come home pregnant...I will not love her any less.

She has confided in me just this past week about 2 girls in her class becoming sexually active and bragging about it.

If I were in your situation and learned that my daughter is sexually active, of course I would be upset. I would have her at the gyno NOW. She would need to know many more medical facts about becoming sexually active and the Dr can give her facts and not judge her. She may have just done this once and regret it or she could be very active and need some sort of bcp for protection.

I think most of all, she needs to know that you still love her and you will be there for her in good times and difficult times.

This is a hard one ... i wished my mom would have talked to me about the birds and bee's ... im 29yrs old and i have a daughter who will turn 16 in feb..yes if u figure out the dates i had my daughter 12 days before my 14th birthday..i dont regret my daughter at all i love my daughter .. and by the time i was 16 i had another baby ... my son is disabled he has had alot of surgeys ... my daughter has grown up alot ... she tells me she dont want kids at a very young age ... she learned the hard way ... she has seen the stress and trauma i went through with my son...just let her know that you love her and will help her with anything that she needs...im not saying to tell her its ok to have sex just let her know all the risk and things out there...my daughter tells me that she dont want to have kids she wants to adopt .. it is very hard nowadays to take care of kids .. my 15 yr old now knows about her real father...and she has met him 1 time and that was April 17,2008 he only used me for what he wanted and once he found out i was pregnant he left me alone

alittle about me :
Im 29 yrs old SAHM to a 15 yr old 13 yr old paraplegic and a 15 yr old step daughter married to the most wonderful man for 16yrs

smother her with love the way you did when she was a little girl, have girl time keep her so busy with you she has no time for him then you have givin her time to think ,she will THEN be ready to listen with a renewed trust in you.

I don't think she'll quit, no matter what you do -- it's an adult choice -- and in her sexual mind set, she is an adult.

Be sure she has protection, birth control, and is able to ask you any question she has. HER SAFETY is your main concern.

Also, are there self esteem issues?? Is she having sex because she is truly in love with the boy, and is ready for that step (my case at 17 -- married at 19 -- happily married now for 34 years) or is having sex the only way she sees of being popular, or landing the "right" boy -- etc.

i suggest a talk at a neutral grownup location where she can feel like you are approaching as a young woman. but simply just talk. first thing to tell her is that you love her and tell her some of her wonderful points and how she is becoming such a young woman and then ease into it by saying i'm sure you are about to or that you are having sex and i just want you to know i am here to talk about anything. mainly state that you want her to be safe and that yes this a big part of growing up but remiond her of the dangers too. you need to decide a head of time if you are for or against birth control. you need to tell her at that time that you have already made her a dr. appiontment to discuss the different options. and make it clear that b/c you agree to safety that it doesn't mean you really agree with her having sex. just try to keep it a talk and not a lecture. force her into feed back. good luck!

You've received a lot of good advice, but you're going to have to evaluate how to confront your daughter based on what kind of relationship the two of you have & what her personality is like.

Having covered just about everything at least once with my three daughters that are now grown, I can tell you that as tough as this is, it can work out just fine between the two of you & potentially bring you closer.

If my girls felt they were old enough for anything, then they were old enough to know all of the responsibilities & consequences that came along with it.

Confrontation gets misused many times, but isn't always necessarily a negative thing. If your daughter is young enough that she's still on your insurance & you'd be the one covering any pregnancy or treatment costs, you have certain rights to know what's going on with her.

Teens seldom get the big picture, or see themselves as becoming a statistic. Having to look at the realities of what could happen & ultimately what it could cost in both emotions, as well as financially, can be an eye opener.

I was an unwed mom at 20 & raised my first daughter alone for 7 years, so I was very open with my girls about the blessings I received, as well as the heartaches that were a part of the consequences. Not just for me, but for my daughter too. She had to overcome being abandoned by a father that lived in the same town with her. That was something that created issues we had to walk through in her teens & her feelings of needing male approval.

Do let your daughter read some of these responses you've received if you feel she'll "hear" what's being said. I've never regretted my daughter, but I've wished so many times that I'd have made better choices regarding sex, for her sake more than my own. Having been married for many years now & knowing the value of truly being loved emotionally, I know that I never really had a fulfilling sexual relationship before my husband. It's hard to explain that to a teenager though.

Pray for wisdom & that God will give you both ears to hear & hearts that are willing to receive.

I always say educating and being open is the best way. I would make sure to help her understand the dangers, teen pregnency, STD's, etc. I had a talk with both my son (16) and daughter (13) about what can happen. I did not approach them on whether they were or not they were having sex, rather just sat and had a conversation with them about it. I find if you do it in a confrontational way they will not be open with you and will not share personal information with you. It's always good to tell them that you love them no matter what and you are there for them but that you want them to be safe. Also let them know that if they are ever in trouble that by all means to call you and help them to feel they can. Thats the best advise I can share. :)

Such a hard thing to deal with - but you can't freak out - it will only push her away. As calmly as you can you need to discuss with her protection - what is she using, does she know the truth about what can happen? Sometimes younger people get the idea that they won't get pregnant or whatever if they do this or that - you need to be sure that she knows facts. She needs to see a gynecologist, and it might be better if she had some time alone with a dr to talk over things that she may not be comfortable discussing in front of you. I would suggest talking with the dr as a parent, before your daughter sees him/her. Explain to the dr your situation and talk over concerns and things that you think she needs to know - sometimes kids won't hear you, but will hear it coming from someone else.

My heart reaches out to you - I have a younger sister that made mistakes groing up - she decided to have unprotected sex and wouldn't talk to my parents about it - I was there for her, and tried to talk some sense into her - but she didn't want to hear me - I tried to take her to Planned Parenthood - so that she could be safer, but she just wasn't interested. I talked her into using condoms, and they discovered a latex allergy. She ended up pregnant and my neice is such a beautiful girl - but that was something she couldn't hide from my parents, and finally it was all out. She has moved on and is now married to a wonderful man who accepted her daughter as his own - but this is a rare happy ending to this kind of story.

If you know anyone she trusts, talk to them about it and just let them know how much more you want for your daughter, maybe they can influence her on your behalf. Mother/daughter relationships are just so hard in the teen years, just hold on and try to help her realize that she is making decisions right now that will affect the rest of her life, and she has the power to change her future.

Please be gentle and gracious with her...she is seeking value from somewhere. This is so difficult because she is more vulnerable than she will realize. No one had ever made me feel worth anything, I knew I was loved, but I thought it was only becasue my parents had to love me, but no one would ever chose to love me...so having sex with whoever was some sort of validation that I was attractive and wanted...but it wasn't until I was 20 that I realized I thrown away something special for my husband. Help her to understand the dangers...both physically and emotionally and comfort her as best as you can. I have a daughter and this is always my fear...it is not an easy topic. Thanks for asking for help!!

Communicate to her heart, not 'confront' her Because the 'problem' is one of the heart. She may very well shut you out and cut you out of her social life if you 'confront' her. But don't avoid the topic. Be up-front, honest, and sincere. Tell her your worries and concerns and ask her about hers. If you're Christians, show her some scriptures in the Bible. Proverbs talks alot about the foolishness of living for today and fufilling the lusts of the heart rather than being wise and living unto God's ways.
On a side note- she (and he) probably won't be able to physically stop having sex unless they are completely removed from the situation. Unless she has a total transformation of the heart.
Don't be decieved and think she is innocent otherwise. Where there's smoke, there's fire. She needs a caring mom who talks openly and is not afraid to talk about tough issues. Don't avoid these issues! Talk, talk, talk.