The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 7 June 2012

Cameron "Baffled."

David Cameron has admitted today that he finds EU summit meetings "baffling." We asked the world's first part-time Prime Minister to explain; "This often happens when I'm expected to actually think about something instead of picking an answer from the Tory manual "Stupid Answers To Difficult Questions." It happened for the first time while I was attending an EU summit and realised that I didn't understand a word they were saying. Things improved a bit when I found out they were speaking a variety of foreign lingos and I had access to a translator, but not by much. Even in English I hadn't got a clue. Then I began to realise that I didn't understand a word about economics either, while listening to ordinary working people in Britain was simply a none-starter. I mean what do things like job security and not having enough money mean? There's a whole sub-culture in Britain that I don't understand at all and things get worse when common people insist on speaking in their strange dialects. I've also found that the peasants don't really understand me either. I've talked to loads of them about the benefits of offshore banking and tax efficiency but they just don't seem to get it. All they need is a million or two. It's not as if that's a large amount of money is it? Fortunately living as I do in Tory World it doesn't really matter."