I was certainly pleased to hear from you over the weekend. Things a quiet here in Oatmeal once again following a weekend of intrigue and excitement at the Christian Youth Conference. I knew you’d hear about it eventually so I thought the sooner the better, and that it might be easier to take coming from one of your own kin. I even considered borrowing Mr. Heinekopf’s telephone and calling you regarding this matter, but bad news already travels fast enough and he was so upset that I wasn’t about to ask him to let me make a long distance call. Continue reading →

Poindexter from down at Gruntpoppers Pet Store over in North Zulch stopped by here this morning and said you was in there last Tuesday asking about the purchase price of a big ole African Mambo Snake. He said that you told him you was gonna set up a tent over there behind the used car lot with that immigrant Cambodian boat boy your church is sponsoring.

What has got into you, Orville? Haven’t I warned you to keep away from them Charismaniac influences! I knew this would happen when you revealed to me that you’d got the (so called) spiritual gift of talking in tongues. I declare, cousin I get so concerned about your Eternal Salvation sometimes that I barely
have the energy to worry about my own. Continue reading →

I was wondering if in your travels you had ever come across a fella by the name of Eustice Tarrybone. He’s in town this week for that revival over at the Temple of Faith Assembly of God. Anyway he’s gonna be preaching his message all this week and I was curious to know if the two of you had ever crossed paths. I have not personally met the gentleman, but from what I hear tell, the two of us wouldn’t exactly get along too well. Continue reading →