Social Question

Can someone give me their honest input in this tragedy of a situation ?

If anyone has been following my questions, you guys will know I was pretty stoked to meet a guy. And that I was insecure about my weight and wanted to drop a few (10) pounds. Anyway, I met the guy, and everything just spiraled down really quickly. I’m not sure how to dissect this or what to do. Here are the events that occurred.

Me and him met up, at his place, at night. We watched “The Big Lebowski”. I don’t go clubbing or drinking, so we just stayed in and watched a movie. We start making out.

I haven’t felt such a passionate and loving kiss in a long time. It was really beautiful, and magical. Starting to sound corny right ? We looked into each other’s eyes, held, cuddled, and kissed some more. It was the most intense beautiful kiss I have ever had. It was exactly like making love – except without the sex.

Anyway as the night moved on we went to his bedroom and he went to sleep. Being the insomniac that I am, I stayed up. The next thing I did was horrible. I looked through his cell phone. I should not have done it, but I did anyway, out of curiosity. I did see he was texting a few other girls, but nothing serious.

The next morning was awkward enough, as I left I said good bye and hugged. When I got home I texted him and that is when all hell broke loose.

We started talking and he said he didn’t want to see me again until I dropped 15 pounds, which would take 2 months. I then asked him he wouldn’t want to see me for 2 months ?? And he said yes probably a good idea. He said he thought I looked really sexy, but that it was just as issue. I got really really hurt by that. Even though I know I needed to lose a few pounds.

So I then tell him I went through his phone, this is where it got even worse. I know what I did was wrong. I told him, and apologized. He then unfriended me from Facebook and is not talking to me. He said it I broke his trust, and to not contact him again.

I sent him text messages saying how sorry I was, and I will re-gain his trust, and I do not want it to end like this… He said he never wants me to text or contact him again. Because of this I am really hurt.

Besides that he didn’t want to see me till I lose weight, and he is hurt now because I broke his trust from looking through his cell phone.

I DO NOT want mine and his friendship to end on this note—I do not know if the damage has been done and this is a lost cause, no hope situation.

I’ve been sad for the past few days because of everything. I didn’t want it to end like this, and I need opinions about it. I know what I did was totally wrong and crossing the line. What do you guys think ?

Is it worth to let things cool down, and possible contact him in 2 weeks or so ?

It hurt me he couldn’t see past the 10 or 15 pounds, to not see me again till I lost all of it. And he is very hurt I broke his trust and went through his cell phone. Furthermore it really hurts me our friendship is gone forever because of this.

56 Answers

I’ve already apologized to him many times, and he said he knows I am sorry, and that he appreciates it. I have no idea what to say or do. I wish me and him never met, so that it won’t so sour, so downhill, so fast. I kept on texting saying how sorry I was, I don’t want it to end this way, and he said to not contact him.

This is a guy I have been steadily getting to know slowly for the past 5 months. So I really don’t want it to end this way. But if he is really OK with not speaking to me anymore, should I even care in saving the relationship ???

I know it’s painful now, but he’s a first-class asshat for telling you to lose 15 pounds. Not only is that a cruel and terrible thing to say, but it’s an idiotic reason for rejecting someone (50 or 100 pounds might be understandable, but 15?!?! That’s ridiculous!). And I know you don’t want to hear this, but you’re lucky it ended when it did, or you’d be on the receiving end of an abusive relationship with this guy. Believe me, you don’t want this guy for a friend, let alone a lover. Put him in a big slingshot and hurl him into the sun, then move on…

All I’ve got to say is he sounds like a jerk and you had no right to look at his messages. There is no relationship here. Move on and do a little soul searching. You sound like you are being a bit needy. Take care of yourself. You are the only person that can make yourself happy.

If this is you in the above avatar, I cannot understand why he says you need to lose weight. If you are 22, then you must be in pretty good shape.

Could he be just using this excuse and maybe he discovered you rambled through his text messages? That was a no-no and you know it. How would you have liked it if a stranger went through your messages?

@jonsblond – I understand what you are saying but I do not want to end it badly like this. I do not want it to end on such a bad note, especially for something bad I did wrong. As his friend I feel bad for breaking the trust.

@partyrock You’ve already apologized. Continuing to contact him will only make it worse. imo Give him some space and maybe reach out at a later date. But seriously, why would you want to be friends with someone like that? He really sounds like an ass.

@john65pennington – You’re right and that is what I understand. I regret it. I wouldn’t have liked it if anyone looked through my phone either. It was just something dumb I did, out of insecurity, or jealousy, or whatever. That’s why I have been apologizing for breaking his trust. But it doesn’t seem like saying sorry is doing anything.

@jonsblond – Ok, that is what I was thinking of doing, to let things calm down. I feel like the more I text him to apologize, the more it aggravates the situation. And maybe for me, in a few weeks, I’ll get over this too.

Without getting into too much detail about everything else you’ve mentioned it sounds like he was a jerk to begin with to tell you to lose weight like that. However, unlike me you seem to have feelings for this guy so it is easy for me to say this. I still seriously think that you’re better off without him, as a friend or boyfriend. With friends like that who needs enemies?

@Mariah – Yes he said it was “probably a good idea”. Then I asked what if he got a girlfriend within 2 months and he said that “anything could happen.” I think I’m more hurt that he didn’t value my personality or friendship to look past 15 pounds of weight, to not want to see me again . The whole situation sucks.

I agreed with him that I needed to lose weight, I’m not angry at that. I’m just pissed about the whole situation, that got worse. It felt like a snowball getting bigger.

I don’t want it to end this way, but maybe I will have to. Besides the fact about the weight, I don’t want him to be pissed off forever that I broke his trust about going through his phone.

I just want there to be peace between us, have things go back to normal, and friends. That is all. I think I just might not respond anymore and let things be. I might be too hard on myself, I don’t know.

What you are feeling is shame, or being shunned. The same feeling you get when someone has given you the silent treatment. It is a normal reaction psychologically. But if you think about this for a second it will dawn on you, “OH AN ASSHOLE IS GIVING ME THE SILENT TREATMENT AND I LET IT BUG ME! I WILL NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN!”

You have received good advice above @partyrock. I seem to recall you told him you were anxious about your weight? I think he has used this as a way to end things and to hurt you. As has been said, you really do not need such a person in your life.

As to reading his text messages, sure, that was the wrong thing to do. You have apologised so now you need to let it go. As to not ending on a bad note, it already has and you need to accept that. Please do not make this ‘your problem’ alone though. His behaviour was no better than your error in looking at his phone.

@partyrock, can you afford to go and see someone professionally to talk to them about your self-esteem issues? You seem like a sweet person but quite fragile and I wonder if talking to a professional counseller on a one-to-one basis would help you?

@BandanaMike – I’ve been getting to know him for some time. I liked the way he talked, I liked the way he looked. He’s really relaxed, chill, funny, smart, kind. We have the same taste in movie, music, things. We seem to get along really well. As friends I enjoyed his friendship. That is why I liked him.

He’s an asshole. Don’t wonder what went wrong, run, run, run in the other direction. Focus on your self esteem, focus on your self worth, on tackling your anxieties, on being the best you that you can be.
Also, as mentioned above, the snooping was out of line. On a first date, at that. You have to work on you. I mean that as nicely as possible. Take care of yourself.
You really shouldn’t be so concerned with keeping a friendship with someone who would treat you so badly.

You realize what you did was wrong. You hopefully won’t do it again to anybody, but you can’t change the past. In the meantime, why would you want a guy who you have to pursue and throw yourself at? Your energies are better spent elsewhere: in school, with hobbies, with real friends who don’t insult you, or in therapy. Before you know it, you’ll have forgotten him.

It really does not matter how you want it to end. The truth is there is nothing here to end. He was nasty to tell you that you must lose weight and you were out of line going through his phone. Stop worrying about how it is going to end and be done with it/him already.

While were talking about this, tragedy might be a bit of an overstatement here. It is really two people meeting one another and discovering early on they are not meant to be a couple. Leave him alone, learn a lesson, and move on. Near as I can tell the lesson here is twofold 1) Don’t go through someone’s text messages 2) A guy who is so wrapped up in your appearance that he tells you you must lose weight to be with him, is not a guy worth being with.

I understand that this hurts and it is hard to let go. Remember, when you set your sights on moving on and not dwelling on this, every day will be a bit easier and pretty soon you’ll realize you went a whole 24 hours without it even crossing your mind. Just hang in there!

Examine all of the choices you made to get yourself into such a situation. Mainly, why did you feel the need to invade the privacy of some guy you don’t really even know and why would you care that such an ass thinks you need to lose weight?

Don’t let the way he’s treated you make you feel that’s all you’re worth. You’re worth much more than that. You said you were sorry. That’s all you can do. Let it go. Walk away with your head held high and see what’s next in your life.

Was this the man with whom you had an online relationship and flirtation for four months? Was this the first time you met face to face? If so, once the sting has died down, you have learned some useful things from this experience.

Perhaps take a breather from the dating scene and examine yourself and your life and your issues.

I am sorry it was a painful 24 hours. You met, made out, had a passionate kiss, moved to the bedroom, watched him fall asleep and then went through his phone. If a girl friend told you this story, what advice would you have for her?

@gailcalled – Yes and yes.. I don’t really have any issues in my life, other than being insecure and lacking self-esteem and confidence. I have all good people in my life. Except for this guy apparently. I will examine myself more and get over it.

I would have told her she shouldn’t have been looking through his phone. I would have told her that she can not let her insecurities get the best of her. I would tell her if a man said he wanted her to lose weigh before he saw her again… I would tell her to tell him to fuck off and forget about it. And if she did want to lose extra weight that is her issue. But if someone doesn’t want you just for 15 pounds, or 30 pounds, they don’t belong in your life. Is what I would have told a girl friend of mine…..

Oh, it is so over. Why would you want a guy who told you he didn’t want to see you until you lost 15 pounds anyway?

Spend your time working on your insecurities that would cause you to go through his phone. And your insecurities that would cause you to continue to want to be with a guy who said you needed to lost 15 pounds before he would see you again.

@partyrock – If you haven’t got there yet, you’re on your way to figuring out one of the big secrets in the love game: that confidence is the biggest turn-on to others, while insecurity is the biggest turn-off. You were smitten with this guy because of his confidence to the point of arrogance (which you probably didn’t realize was going on in your head). He was turned off by you, not because of your weight, but because of your insecurity (which he probably didn’t realize was going on in his head).

First, you had no right to look through his text messages. That being said, him telling you that you need to lose weight is fucking unacceptable. But, judging from your details in this Q, you’re clearly mature enough to realize that you made a mistake. This guy, however, hasn’t realized what he asked you to do categorizes him as a complete and total asshole. I say move on, even though it’s rough, because someone like that is only going to be a hindrance.

@partyrock; If I were your therapist, I might suggest that you write yourself a letter (seeing as you are a very good writer) and give yourself some motherly advice.

I don’t really have any issues in my life, other than being insecure and lacking self-esteem and confidence.

Those issues are your backbone, your rock, your foundation, your ego, your starting point and your primary concern now. They will affect everything you do…get to work and don’t waste another minute of your precious life with behavior that comes back to bite you where it hurts.

Ah, @gailcalled that was an excellent response: “What would you tell a girlfriend who told you this?” On my best day I wouldn’t have had advice that good.

Reading through this thread has reminded me in a strange way of a pop psychology book from the 1960s: I’m Okay; You’re Okay.

What I’ve realized a long time ago (and which has been reinforced in this thread) is that we’re all very flawed people. Without exception. And we can concentrate on those flaws in one way or another, either by “working on them” or “working to overcome them” or by letting them define us in some way – usually a negative way, or we can avoid our flaws and just concentrate on our strengths. What you did was very wrong, @partyrock, as you already know (and then telling him about the wrong thing only compounded it). What motivated you to look through his phone – and then to tell him about it later – is immaterial now. It’s done. Try to forget it and put it behind you and learn the lesson: don’t give in to those impulses again.

But “you’re okay”. That’s the other way to live your life. Don’t worry about all of your flaws (or even potential partners’ flaws, for that matter). You’re okay. Try to accept yourself regardless of any real or perceived flaws. If there are things about yourself that you’d like to improve, then by all means try to improve those things, but don’t allow yourself to feel that you can’t measure up to your idea of others’ expectations just because you weigh more than some arbitrary target that you’ve set for yourself, or because you have “insecurities” or hurt feelings or whatever. You’re okay.

And as far as this pop psychology goes, you know… the boy is “okay”, too. Maybe not my ideal of what a boyfriend should be, but he doesn’t appear to have been overtly cruel, abusive or vindictive. You did a bad thing and then told him that you did the thing, and he decided on that basis to end whatever relationship you might have had. (Because of the nature of your complementary flaws, that is, your over-concern with your weight, and his matching issue of concern about your weight, I think it might have been a less than satisfactory relationship for both of you. I think his decision to not see you for up to two months until you lost enough weight to suit him was shallow, but it doesn’t make him “a bad guy”. That’s just his minor flaw.)

So put him in a rear-view mirror and move on. You’re okay. You could be better; we all could. Work on improvement if you feel like you must, but just be on the lookout for another “okay” guy who’s more accepting of your current okay-ness and supportive (without being punitive) about your attempts to improve.

There sounds like there’s something wrong with this guy. Why do you want to punish yourself by being with him? Nobody gains anything from such a relationship. Please look for a nice guy who will treat you well, that’s the only advice I can give.

I’m just guessing here, ok.
He’s known you enough for you to call him your friend so he probably knows you’re sensitive about your weight. I suspect he’s always been an jerk and bringing up your weight was an easy out to not see you romantically again. If he was really interested AND a nice guy/real friend, he would have been loathe to bring up your weight in the manner he choose. I like @HungryGuy‘s suggestion to launch him into the sun. Block him on facebook, don’t even bother to torture yourself over him or if you do, make it in secret to where he gets no kicks out of it.

I think that maybe you are almost playing into his hands by trying to keep in contact with him. He sounds a nasty piece of work and one that you do not need in any way.
People have been giving you such a lot of good advice, and I think you deep down know the answer – just be hurt for a while, but have no contact with him – he probably doesn’t think of you, so try not to think of him