Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I love superheroes. The general idea, anyway, that someone is going to save the world from itself, champion the rights of the downtrodden and look really hot doing it at the same time. Someone should really think of making superheroes poster people for deodorants. I’m just saying, all that flying around can’t be sweat-free. Especially when they’re doing it ensconced in leather. But really – how did that whole our-cool-costumes-consist-of-wearing-underwear-over-mantights happen?...

My personal favorite is Batman. He’s so cool!!! I don’t like Christian Bale as him though. I don’t think he captures the true Batman spirit. Compared to the past Batmans (IcyHot Val Kilmer, Suave and EverSexy George Clooney and the timeless Michael Keaton), he kinda pales. WHAT’S WITH THAT VOICE. Ugh. But anyway. He’s my favorite because he could actually happen (I know, I know). You know they actually have built Batman’s car? He didn’t have to sijui be born on an alien planet or bitten by a radioactive whatever to be super. No offence to the above-implied heroes.

Has anyone ever noticed how the stories behind the superhero tend to somehow follow the same general pattern? And then usually they don’t know until some ‘major’ event takes place in their lives (bitten by a radioactive spider/getting really, really pissed/watching some form of human injustice/parents dying/you being blind/being sent an ancient scroll that maps out your destiny/being absorbed into a computer and having your DNA reconfigured/you get the picture) So this is article can also be retitled ‘How to tell if you’re a superhero.’

1. You have some form of martial arts training. Any form, really. Coincidentally bestowed upon you while you were bonding with your father.2. Your parents are probably dead. Yeah, I know how that sounds. But someone please show me a superhero who still has parents. Batman (dead), Superman (aliens – dead too, right?), Spiderman (dead), Daredevil (dead), Fantastic Four (dead), Chun Li (dead)… do you see my point?3. Your parents’ death probably inspired you to become a superhero. Probably because you were enraged and are now seeking revenge, or they instilled in you a responsibility to the community. With great power comes great responsibility and all that jazz.4. You are well equipped to deal in any social situation. You can blend into any street corner, ballroom, African village, Russian terrorist camp or Intel agency. 5. You have a secret talent, like, oh, I dunno, picking locks, being conversant in Mandarin Chinese and Latin among 6 other languages, talking to dogs, supersonic booms, et al.6. You never, ever, ever get hit by a bullet. Should this happen, you were probably faking it so the bad guys would think you were dead (the ultimate deception), or it doesn’t really hurt and in the next scene of the movie we don’t see it, or you know an old Chinese man with healing powers, or you’re simply not Jack Bauer.7. You’re hot. Or ugly in a hot way.

Of course, not all superheroes fit into this mould. In fact, one of my favorites has parents, and is more obsessed with himself than saving anyone. A superhero after my own heart. Freakazoid should really be reintroduced on daytime telly. The crap cartoons that they show now…but that’s another article.

To satisfy these urges, a willing partner is needed, obviously. Most people resort to their relationships. When those are not readily available, they resort to their friendships. Thus, the lustful union of a Friends-With-Benefits relationship is born.

The truth is, women are pretty bad at FWB/BootyBuddy/Catchmate (et al) relationships. Again, the obvious reason is because women (ok, many women) associate sex with emotions, and men associate sex with…well, sex. So a physical relationship for a woman almost always results in an emotional attachment.

To AVOID emotional attachment (because men and women think so differently, these things don’t usually end well), there are certain rules that must be followed, obviously. This is for women, because we’re more prone to fall. 1. Don’t text, unless it’s a booty call.2. Don’t talk to him, unless it’s a booty call. Other than common courtesies. That don’t extend to how his dog is.3. Don’t start thinking about a possible future with him unless he acts like he wants one. Like texting you outside of booty call hours/conversation, or, you know, asking where this is going.4. Don’t ask where it’s going. Unless y’all are discussing shower/bed/kitchen options.5. Ok, I only had four. General guidelines, you understand. Unless it’s about the booty, don’t make the call. If you started at a physical level, it may be a bit difficult to cross the street. Not impossible, though. And if you find yourself getting to that place-that-shall-not-be-named, flee. You’ll only hurt yourself. Obviously.

p.s. The words Booty and Obviously have made several choice appearances in this text. Guess what the main theme is.

p.s. (2) So what happens when you’re following these rules, but the other party isn’t?