n talk about the gorgeous co-worker they have their eye on. They come to you for dating advice, but not for a date. You’re cute, funny, and down-to-earth, so what’s the deal?

Believe me, I know the feeling. Years ago, I was “The Friend.” I spent lots of time with men – actually, I always had more male friends than girlfriends – but that’s just it: they always remained friends.

Sometimes it seemed like all the cute men in my life were looking over my shoulder, at some woman across the room. I wanted to wave my hands in front of them and say, “Hello-o, I’m here too,” but that would have been mortifying.

I hated feeling sexually invisible. Until, that is, I started focusing a bit more on my own sensuality. When I did, like magic, male friends started looking at me differently. They were noticing me. A few of them even began to act nervous around me.

Suddenly I felt radiant, powerful, sexy. And I was asked out on a lot more dates. Male friends who never seemed to regard me as anything except a buddy started asking me out.

I quickly found out that many of my friends hadn’t really put me in the “friend” category on purpose – and it didn’t take long to get out of the friend category!

So how do you make sure you’re noticed for your sexiness, your charm, your beauty – as well as your incredible conversation skills? Here are some ideas to get you started down the path towards a new, sexy, irresistible you:

1. Heat Things Up… And Not Just In the Bedroom!

The first step is to realize that chemistry starts in your body more than in your brain. Sure, good conversation can add to a feeling of chemistry during a fun date, but it’s not usually where it starts.

Your body is an instrument of pleasure. It can bring you intense feelings of ecstasy, and if you pay attention, it can bring you moments of sensuality when you least expect it.

Start enjoying your body – for how it looks, how it feels, how it moves you through the world. Pay attention to the way your hips sway when you walk, how your hand feels on your thigh when you’re sitting at a table.

Tap into the pleasure that lives in your body during each moment. Once you start paying attention and enjoying your body, soon you won’t be the only one!

2. Move From Self-Conscious to Self-Aware

Are you always worried about how you look? Do you change your personality just a little to make sure your crush or date still likes you? Are you concerned about what you sound like when you talk to the cute guy at work?

Start putting less value on how you appear to men, and start shifting your energy towards enjoying yourself in the moment. What do you feel like doing? Maybe you want to take a long hot bath, or stroll through a cute neighborhood.

Shifting your gaze from your perceived faults to your wants and needs is one of the fastest ways to become less self-conscious – and more self-confident.

3. Be the Sexy, Fun Woman You Are – Not Just One of the Guys

Re-discovering your feminine side is key when it comes to getting out of the “Friend Zone.” Start celebrating your womanliness, your softer and more sensual side.

Go ahead – allow guys to open the door for you. Graciously accept chivalrous behavior and let the guys in your life be gentlemen. Don’t insist on always being entirely self-sufficient or perfectly “together.”

Allow your desires and enjoy your emotional side. Discover what being a woman truly means for you and have fun with it. Next time you’re invited to go to dinner with some male friends, wear your favorite dress. Look and feel sexy, flirty, in a way that feels good to you! Chances are, you won’t be “one of the guys” for long!

4. Get a Little Help From Your (Girl) Friends

Introduce your single girlfriends to some of your single guy friends – and ask them to do the same for you. Set up a fun night where you can all get together in a low-key setting, at your favorite bar or café. Give everyone – including yourself – an opportunity to have good flirty fun.

If you live in the Bay Area, we want to do this with you! Our February night out is a “Man Swap,” where you can meet some potential suitors and have a fun night on the town.

Bring one of your great single guy friends- a man who is a real catch but just not right for you. You can bring your girlfriends too, but make sure they all bring a cute single man too.

This will be the perfect opportunity to relax and unwind with other incredible people and, if you want to, you can heat things up a little bit too! Hope to see you there!

3 Responses to Tired of Being a Friend? Turn up the Heat!

I really liked your line, “Start putting less value on how you appear to men, and start shifting your energy towards enjoying yourself in the moment.” That is great advice. I find that I have been really living in the moment and going with the Universal Flow of BEING. When I’m there, I am certainly not worried about how I look or who is watching! This line is great practical advice too, “”Shifting your gaze from your perceived faults to your wants and needs is one of the fastest ways to become less self-conscious – and more self-confident.” Being truly, deeply happy and having fun is also a great way to just be confident and therefore attract a man that is also happy and fun! Be yourself and keep your heart open… and wellah! :)

Reading this reminded me that sometimes we learn to be “sexually invisible” as a coping mechanism or survival technique.

Some of my boundaries around sexuality were crossed when I was younger. There was a lot I didn’t understand about that, and one of the ways I dealt with it was to hide, or downplay, my sensual and sexual self. It felt scary to receive sexually charged attention from men — it triggered a fight-or-flight response in my body. So even though I wanted to be seen and I wanted men to pay attention to me, I was also really scared of it b/c I didn’t know what would happen — what did it mean? what did he expect? could I handle the situation? Being noticed for my “sexiness, charm, and beauty” could send me into a panic. (In part b/c I didn’t think of myself as sexy, charming, or beautiful — so anyone else who did must be up to something.) It didn’t take much to for me feel untrusting and in danger.

It’s taken time and experience to see this about myself, to ask questions, and to learn to trust. It’s been an interesting journey, and I’ve had lots of help along the way. I feel like my life is lush and blooming, and I’m opening to love and intimacy in genuine, trusting ways that I couldn’t have imagined a year ago. I feel it in my bones. It’s in my blood, it radiates from my heart and my guts, it shines off my skin and makes the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I can taste it on my toungue. It tastes like heaven.

“Start putting less value on how you appear to men, and start shifting your energy towards enjoying yourself in the moment. What do you feel like doing? Maybe you want to take a long hot bath, or stroll through a cute neighborhood”.

Wasn’t clear how you do that if in a situation with a man. So there you are in a social setting, there is a guy you see and have interest in and you don’t want to put energy in worrying about how you appear to him but then how in that situation do you then incorporate “what do you feel like doing in the moment”. Taking a bath at that moment wouldn’t fit so can you give an example of a situation like this where “do what you feel like doing rather than worry about how you appear”.Hope this was clear. thanks

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