“It makes sense that we’re stressed out right now,” says Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a social psychologist at Brigham Young University in Utah. “We’re social beings. We’re biologically wired to be around others because we find safety in a group. The good news is, in modern society we have other ways to find and foster that social connection besides being together physically.”

Thanks to technology, it’s not that we can’t interact with people; it’s just that for now those interactions will be mediated by machines. “Social distancing is probably the wrong term,” says Sarita Robinson, a psychologist at the University of Central Lancaster in the U.K. “It’s actually just physical distancing.” Virtual gatherings might not be as satisfying as an IRL get together—“I would much rather meet my friends for coffee in a café than speak with them over Skype,” Robinson admits. But we don’t have to be alone.

Here, four experts on solitude, social connections, trauma, and loneliness share their advice about how to survive and thrive in these trying times.

The Problem: This isolation is tormenting my inner extrovert.

What To Do: Reach out to help others—and yourself at the same time.

“Silence can be loud for some people,” says Johnny Perez, the director of U.S. prison programs for the National Religious Campaign Against Torture. But, having been incarcerated himself for gun possession and robbery in his youth, he reminds us that the current stay-at-home order is far from a prison sentence. Most of us still have access to the benefits of a society, through social media, Zoom chats, phone calls. “Have a list of folks you can reach out to if you need to talk to someone,” Perez suggests. That will make it easier to connect with someone when the need arises.

“Just knowing that we have others we can count on who have our backs can change our interpretation of the situation, and our physiological response to it,” Holt-Lunstad says. Early on in the crisis, a neighbor texted Holt-Lunstad to say she was going to the store, and asked if she wanted her to pick something up. “I didn’t need anything,” she recalls. “But there’s this reassurance of knowing I can count on my neighbors.”

Chances are, the neighbor felt reassured, too. Research shows that providing support to someone might be even more beneficial to you than to the other person, because it causes you to focus on another person's needs rather than your own stress. And, Holt-Lunstad explains, having a sense of purpose and meaning is associated with better well-being. So when you feel the urge to reach out to someone, do—for their sake, and yours!

The Problem: I feel guilty for not being productive with my newfound free time.

What To Do: Be kind to yourself—and manage your expectations!

“We have to give ourselves space and time to handle this situation,” says Robinson. “It’s absolutely okay not to be okay.” Finding bandwidth for all the things is hard enough without the added weight of a pandemic (read: health concerns, financial stress, job insecurity, and, of course, loneliness). With businesses closed and the economy halted, even daily tasks like cooking dinner become harder and more time-consuming.

Under the circumstances, Robinson emphasizes the importance of reasonable expectations: You can’t beat yourself up if you don’t come up with a new theory of relativity right now; after all, we're in the middle of a global emergency. Be realistic—Robinson anticipates that when she looks back at this time, she might just say, “I spent six weeks at home. I had a lot of cake.” And that’s enough.

Perez says too many of us are not giving ourselves permission to be quarantined. Having spent three years in solitary confinement, Perez knows what it’s like to be alone. He's learned that, “The more I try to hit my head against this brick wall, the more it’s going to hurt,” he says. “This situation is what it is. The more I’m able to work within those constraints, the freer I am mentally.”

“It’s absolutely okay not to be okay.”

Perez recommends setting manageable goals and focusing on what you can do today—which, for him when he was incarcerated, was writing. When he did what he loved, and changed his mental environment, his sense of his physical space changed, too. “It went from ‘I’m in solitary’ to, ‘I’m on sabbatical writing a novel, being catered to, having my food brought to me three times a day.’” Like Perez, you might not get to decide on your circumstances, but only you get to decide how you frame this experience.

“A lot of the difficulty is the thinking mind,” says Sarvananda, a Buddhist monk and author of the bookSolitude and Loneliness. Having experienced many solitary retreats—by choice, mind you—he says the most important thing is to love and be kind to yourself. “Don’t give yourself a hard time,” he advises. And don’t panic. “It’s just loneliness," he adds. "It’s just boredom.”

Given his experience in solitary confinement, Perez, too, is an expert in moving past these feelings. “We’re stronger than we think we are,” he points out. “We’re also smarter and more equipped than we think we are, both physically and emotionally. You’ll be surprised what you can do once you decide to do it.”

To tap into that inner strength, try to turn off your thoughts and instead focus on your body. “If we ground ourselves in the body as much as possible, it stops us thinking so much and helps keep our thoughts from going round and round,” Sarvananda says. He does this through “Lovingkindness” meditation, which aims to cultivate compassion by visualizing the giving of selfless love—first to yourself, then to those you care about, and then to all living things. You can find your own mantra. But even Sarvanandra acknowledges that meditation isn’t a good fit for everyone. If you know it's not for you, take a walk. Read a juicy novel. Or zone out to some music. Bottom line? Do whatever gives your brain a break.

And remember, loneliness doesn’t have to be a bad thing. “To really enjoy solitude, there’s a certain amount of discomfort and loneliness you have to own up to,” Sarvananda says. “If we can face it, it passes, and we can experience the real benefits of being on our own.”

The Problem: Working out feels really low on my priority list right now.

In self-isolation exercise is especially important for your mind and body. If you normally do yoga or go to the gym every day, Robinson says it’s important to acknowledge that these are not normal times. For some people, maintaining a routine during uncertain chapters can provide a sense of normalcy and control. So, if keeping up your regular running schedule ordoing a balcony marathon works for you, that's great! But if motivation is proving more elusive than usual, focus on establishing a new exercise routine that works in this moment.

“I’ve set really stupid, small goals,” Robinson shares. “Like, I’m going tolearn to do the Charleston.” Despite having two left feet, she says, she loves online dance videos, which are low-cost and high-energy. You don't have to join her on the virtual dance floor. The goal is to find something that provides you with a bit of physical activity and still fits within the constraints of the stay-at-home order, like jumping rope, running stairs, or practicing tai chi. If it includes fun music and elicits a good laugh, those are added bonuses, but any exercise you enjoy will inevitably improve your mood.

Exercise can also provide some much needed social interaction—from a safe distance, of course. Holt-Lundstad says she makes an effort to get outside and take a walk every single day, even when the weather is terrible. In addition to the fresh air and intermittent sunshine, she says, “I occasionally will see someone who's out on their porch and wave hello. Working out might also help you in social ways that might not be so obvious.” Further proof that exercise doesn't just boost fitness levels and your immune system, but also your mood.

The Problem: I get sucked into social media and scrolling through headlines leaves me scared and hopeless.

What To Do: Limit the news you consume every day—and focus on the positive.

This is a slow-developing emergency, says Robinson, so there’s no need to be checking the news more than once or twice a day. Constantly consuming COVID-19 coverage can lead to anxiety, stress, and even insomnia, and reading the news right before bed can cause you to ruminate on things overnight.

If you find yourself unable to put down your phone, Robinson suggests finding a distraction—and acknowledges that her personal suggestions are very British: “Make a cup of tea. Have a biscuit. Do a bit of gardening. Put the bins out. Try to break that cycle.”

When you do reflect on the news, Perez emphasizes that it’s essential to draw a clear line between what you can control and what you can’t. “When we worry about things we can’t control, that stresses us, keeps us up at night, and leads to depression and hopelessness.” Since we can’t control the government’s response to the virus, or the length of the stay-at-home order, it’s better for us to let those go.

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