Monday, April 23, 2012

R….S……T….(aww fuck, I let life get in the way)

So, I suck, I know…but in my defense life shizzle got in the
way.

Friday, I spent the majority of my
day at the San Francisco building department.
And I know that most of are going to say, “But it was a beautiful day in
the City!!” And I would say yes, with
ONE BIG BUT….

It took me 3 GODDAMNHOURS to get 40 miles, I swear every
major bridge that one can cross to get into San Francisco had major traffic accidents
for Friday morning making me very late.
So instead of having the top off my car and being nice and toasty warm and feeling Friday free,
I was sunburnt, angry and had a massive cramp from holding in pee the size of Niagara
Falls.

So after slugging my way into the
City, I race towards the building department and proceed to hang out there for
the next worst five hours of my life. I
spent these hours with the biggest twatbadger that I could have ever
imagined. Take one miserable county
employee, embolden with the crankiness of 1000 grumpy old men and compress him
into a tiny 30 something package.

Now
normally, I can handle these guys a couple of ways, either I usually use my
charm and smile and try to be very friendly or I put on my intense face on, the
one that tries to show that I am really listening intently to every word that
you have to say because I feel that you are impotent (and yes, I meant to spell
it that way) Normally, this works…..but
with this guy….he either

(1) got laid badly, (2) needs to get laid, or (3) will
require a jackhammer to remove the stick stuck so far up his ass that he could
open his mouth to roast marshmallows nicely for you. ARGH…I could of done bodily harm to him.

The fire guys….I love them, they were awesome as usual.

Then, my husband left me.
I know, you are shocked huh….well, he left me for a week to go to some
conference in SLO (San Luis Obispo) that will make him all important and so that
he can be official when he is on TV and shit.
And he left me…with a house full of bitches….for six days…..he will make
homage to me when he returns!

So my “R” was going to be road relations, you know the kind
of relations that can either get you in trouble or make the car ride nice and
relaxing. My experience with road
relations has been the trouble sort.
See, on my way to Prom, my boyfriend at the time begged me to provide
him with a little “road relaxation” and I did……much to the amusement of every
trucker within CB radio distance that was able to view what was going up and
down on I-80. The CB traffic was so lit
up that apparently the CHP wanted to get in on the action, so they pulled the
car over. Of course, by this time, I had
myself all arranged and was trying to look very “innocent” in my prom
dress. But no, I was asked to get
out….and I was taken to the Chippy’s car where I was asked what was going on,
after a couple minutes of innocent denial, I spilled my 17 year old guts. And I proceeded to get the best lecture ever,
“Do you want me to call your parents and tell them that you died with a dick in
your mouth???” “Do you….do you…young
lady???” What the fuck am I supposed to
say to counter that one, Officer Smarty Pants?
Yes?? My dad would be so
proud?? Yeah, so poor hubby – due to my trauma
– hand jobs is about all I will offer.

As for “S” and “T”…..I have combined them into a wonderful,
fabulous drink that I had on Friday night!!
AGAIN!! Salt and Tequila (Patron
– of course) See picture below…..

and I
had TWO….and….and…and…I don’t remember much after that but Hubby and I did
continue the party later, where I ended up accidently falling asleep in the bed
in one of my “disappearing tricks” and he ended up in the hot tub alone. Sorry Hubby!!

Also, I wanted to talk Texts….because I got the best text
from my friend Nat the other day….Nat of…NATurally Inappropriate

Nat: Men’s
Underwear…Discuss

Me: Marky Mark wore
it best

Nat: Boxers or
briefs?

Me: Boxers

Me: Tight boxers

Nat: Patterns?

Me: No solids

Me: Black

Me: Not the cock but
the boxers

Nat: BAAHHHAHHHAHA

I meant to say…stupid auto correct…that I like black or dark
color tight boxers only…NEVER white…and it kinda came out wrong.

BAAADDDD Doggie!

And finally, I am closing “T” today with a T-shirt that I am
going to buy for my husband. We had an
incident not too long ago, with “smelly” things in the bathroom. Since then, his key phrase has been that
twatwaffles are never buttery.