Let it be known that the Major Captain of your fleet, as well as the other captains have written to your excellence, the news of the finding of this new land of Yours:

And on Friday, the 28th of this month, around six o’clock, we first came across the islands of the Tropic of Cancer, according to Nicolon Kidman, the pilot. We first laid eyes upon a large metal earth foundation, very tall and clearly cut, in the strangest design we have ever seen; and to the flat lands, where the native people go about erroneously, and to this corridor of light, the captain named Path of Christ’of Her Colon, as to the land, it was, by him named Land of Colonoscopy!

We anchored in the cement beach where we sighted natives, some seventy eight of them, according to the small yachts which first had contact with them. Henceforth, we launched the water bikes and the scubas. Immediately emerged the major captain of the Grand Cruise, “A Turbinada”. On shore, the Captain sent Nicolon Kidman on a recognition expedition. Upon stepping onto the cement, the pilot Kidman fucked up one of the heels of her shoe. When this occurred, already some four hundred natives had made an appearance.

Their complexion is brown, though a bit pale, with coarse and ugly faces. They cover themselves with strange and exotic clothing, covering their muffin tops. They are wide and heavily built and move alone though within large clusters. They do not seem to communicate with each other, speaking to themselves instead, wearing a device in their ears. Suddenly, one of the natives pulls the device away from herself whilst she stretches her arm unto the skies turning her wrist around. What an odd behavior! At once, she becomes very still and screams: SELFIE!

Having done this, she runs towards what appears to be a temple with red walls. Upon it, an enormous yellow symbol hovers. A large yellow