I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best. I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments. This one began back in March 2018.

VPP – Sorry to interrupt Mr. President, but you haven’t screamed my name looking for me since before you left on your trip. I was wondering if anything was wrong.

PT – You know Pence, it’s not always all about you, you know. Maybe sometimes I call other people up when I need something. That is possible isn’t it?

VPP – Well, sure, I guess. But I have grown accustomed to your early morning summons, so you know, I was just kind of surprised by the quiet.

PT – Yeah, well, don’t worry I’ll make sure and let you know when I need you. Now go ahead and get your first morning nap before you get cranky.

VPP – Alright Mr. President, goodbye. (as he goes to close the door on his way out he sees that President Trump is once again talking on the phone)

PT – Yeah, I got rid of him. Honestly, I don’t know why I hired him but mistakes can be corrected.

Scene 2: Outside the First Lady’s Office in the White House later that day. In front of the door Vice President Pence and Secretary Mattis meet up.

JM – Hello Mike.

VPP – Hi Jim. Were you called here too?

JM – Yeah, what’s it all about?

VPP – Well, the way things have been going around here only a fortune teller could know. (he knocks on the door)

MT – (calling through the door), Come in Mike and Mad Dog. (they enter and close the door behind).

VPP – Hello Melania. Good to see you again.

JM – Good afternoon First Lady.

MT – Hello Vice Mike and Mad Dog, please sit down. The reason I have summoned you is because Schmoopey is acting very strange.

JM – And by “Schmoopey” ma’am you mean?

MT – Ah, forgive me. Schmoopey is the pet name that Donald and I use for each other. It is a Seinfeld reference, is it not?

JM – I wouldn’t know ma’am. Jerry Seinfeld is some kind of hippie, I believe, so I’ve never seen him on the television.

VPP – Melania, could you be a little more specific about the President’s behavior. Opinions may differ on very strange.

MT – He is obsessed with Kim. That is all he thinks about all day.

VPP – Melania you must be wrong. When Kim Kardashian came to the White House that was just a public relations event. She means nothing to the President.

MT – No Vice Mike. I mean that fat little psychopath Kim Jong Un. They talk all day and night, laughing and joking. And the more he talks to Kim the scarier he gets.

JM – Ma’am, what do they talk about?

MT – They talk about making their enemies disappear. Someone must stop this.

VPP – Melania, I’m sure the President is just pretending to be Kim’s friend to get his cooperation.

MT – I do not think this is so. Schmoopey has been very angry with the Fake News. I think he is looking to get the revenge.

JM – Ma’am, what can we do?

MT – You must break the evil spell that holds him captive.

VPP – Melania, we’ll help the President. Don’t fret.

MT – Thank you gentlemen. Now I must get back to my memoirs. Goodbye.

Scene 3: That night; White House Teleconferencing Center, President Trump sitting in front of a teleprompter with Kim Jong Un’s image projected in front of him, Mattis and Pence entering from behind him.

PT – So did you really boil the entire Nork Press Corp in honey and feed them to bears?

KJU – You bet you I do! And then I feed bears to sharks. Very, very funny.

PT – Well, my short fat friend, you certainly have your own style. But I’ll settle for results. Did I tell you how I eliminated sixteen rinos without firing a shot?

KJU – Ouuuh, rhino horn good for the rub rub.

PT – Maybe, but these rinos had already had their horns and their genitals removed before the event.

VPP – Mr. President, may we have a word with you?

KJU – Donald, these dogs are interrupting us. Have them fed to sharks!

PT – No Jung Un the sharks are already full, besides I still need these servants for a little longer.

VPP – But Mr. President, that’s besides the point. If you stoop to their level, they win.

PT – If you do blah, blah, blah they win? Who do you think I am, W? Mike, you and Mad Dog convene the Cabinet for a special meeting. I want to get the whole team’s ideas on some of Jong Un’s “special techniques.”

VPP – Mr. President, why don’t we start with just the three of us? I’m not sure Jeff Sessions would survive it.

PT – Yeah that may not be a problem for much longer. Okay, let’s get down to brass tacks. Sessions isn’t going to do anything about the mess in the DOJ or Mueller. My friend Jong Un sent me plans for his built-in shark tank. I have it installed under the floor in the White House basement and whenever I want a problem to go away I invite the “problem” for a heart to heart chat and a stroll around the basement and before you know it the problem is a just a greasy residue to be filtered out of the tank water.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s monstrous!

PT – Would that count for Joe Biden?

JM – Hold on Mike, maybe we should hear him out.

VPP – No! Not even for Creepy Uncle Joe. Look you are just allowing yourself to get swept up in the whole Caligula thing that Kim Jong Un has going on. Remember how that worked out for Caligula himself. Or Nero, or Hitler or any of those other psychos.

PT – Well Stalin did alright.

VPP – But this is America, it’s not the Soviet Union yet. Look at it realistically. If all your enemies start mysteriously disappearing, like they do around the Clintons then you’ll be treated the same way they are. Everyone will fear and hate you. You’ll never get re-elected and after you die your corpse will be desecrated.

JM – They might call you Crooked Donald.

PT – Never thought of that. That would be bad for the Trump brand. Alright, you’ve convinced me, no shark tank. But I have to say, you guys are nowhere near as much fun as Jong Un.

VPP – And I have some more bad news for you. You’re gonna have to break off your bromance with the short fat maniac.

PT – No way, he’s fun and he’s got a great head of hair.

VPP – Yes, way. Melania is very upset with you and if you don’t straighten up she’ll bolt.

PT – Schmoopey? I can’t have that. Okay, you win, I’ll break up with Jong Un. But you guys are gonna have to raise your game. If I get too bored I’ll have to reconsider the shark tank.

PT – Hey Mattis, I make the jokes around here. You’re the straight man.

JM – Well then, let’s just say I don’t handle psy-ops. But if you want my opinion, tell him to resign. It’s not like things are going to get easier anytime soon.

PT – And they say I’m the prick.

JM – All due respect Mr. President.

PT – Alright, get the hell out and send in Sessions.

(Mattis leaves and a few minutes later Jeff Sessions enters.)

JS – Mr. President, how can I help you?

PT – Jeff, we’ve got a problem. Mike seems to have reached his limit.

JS – Mr. President, we’re all under enormous strain. Maybe Mattis is right and you should encourage Mike to step down.

PT – Yeah but it’s different for Mike. I’ve kept him out of the loop on a lot of what goes on behind the scenes so he won’t be vulnerable to attack by those psychopaths under you. Because of that all this stuff looks completely fubar. Plus I need him on deck in case they get me.

JS – Good points. Alright, what do we do?

PT – I don’t know, I think I’ll try to talk him down off the ledge. But I may need some shock and awe. See if you can come up with a plan.

JS – I’ll get right on it.

Scene 2 – Same day, outside the Vice Presidential Mansion. President Trump and two secret service agent standing in front of the door. President Trump pushes the intercom button.

(There’s no answer from the intercom and a minute later Mike Pence comes to the door. He has a three day growth of beard and is wearing a sweat suit.)

VPP – Look you maniac, don’t you understand I’ve had all I can take. Insulting volatile world leaders at the brink of nuclear confrontation, paying off porn actresses, endlessly quarreling with reporters, business leaders, Congress and your own employees. Not a single day goes by that you don’t fire someone or threaten to fire someone. You vacillate back and forth between contradictory positions on everything from gun control to tariffs to illegal immigration. And then there’s the Mueller thing. Which is it? Are you going to fire him or is he going to send you to jail? I have had it. I’m starting to become psychotic myself. So just leave me alone. I’m taking a vacation and when I get back I’m going to resign.

PT – Hey you two guys go over by the car, I’ve got something to say to the vice President that you can’t hear.

(Secret Service agents move away.)

PT – Mike, everything you say is true. Under a normal politician none of this stuff would be happening. Most of the earlier Presidents like FDR, Kennedy and Bush Senior had their affairs hushed up by the FBI. Only Clinton got outed because he was an outsider. But in my defense all of my stuff is from way before I was in the White House. And other than you, there’s probably no one in Washington who doesn’t have his skeletons.

VPP – Well, actually that’s true Mr. President, but…

PT – And with respect to Kim Jung Un and Assad, wouldn’t you say that my approach, while bombastic is actually more effective and honest than what the last four Presidents have done?

VPP –Well yes, I guess that’s true, but…

PT – And with respect to quarreling with leftists, was the appeasement that W or his father employed more or less successful than my confrontational style?

VPP – Well sure, but…

PT – And has my stutter step rhetoric made it possible for me to more or less avoid some of the traps like the Dreamer Bill and any major compromises on the budget?

VPP – Yeah, but…

PT – And as far as firing people, wouldn’t you admit, considering what we’re doing right now, that working for me can’t be done by many people and leads to high attrition?

VPP – Huhh. Hmm. You’ve got a point.

PT – Look Mike. I’m not pretending that I’m normal. I am a maniac as you said. But when you have to kill cancer you don’t use chamomile tea and sugar. You use radiation and deadly poison. Think of me as chemotherapy. And if I fail the patient dies. The country dies. So cut me some slack will you?

VPP – Sorry Mr. President, I guess I lost my nerve.

PT – No were right. This is no country for old men. But there are some perks too.

VPP – What do you mean?

PT – Well I had Sessions look into some kind of small win for our side, something to cheer you up. He found some more dirt on McCabe and we got him to turn on some of his old buddies at the Bureau. That may be what I need to get Mueller to call it quits.

VPP – Very rational and measured it sounds to me. Good work Mr. President.

PT – Yeah, and he’s agreed to appear in a dunk tank on tv and let the All Star pitching staff dunk him up to ten times in jalapeno sauce dressed in a speedo with the words I’m a ratfink liar stenciled on his chest.