I had planned to write a second post much sooner as I was really excited about starting this blog, but sometimes the words get all stuck somewhere and it takes more time than I’d like for them to work their way out. Kinda having one of those moments now, but all the thinky thoughts are keeping me awake. Wide awake. I think they are meant to distract me from this gaping hole I feel in my chest right now. Don’t know where it came from. It wasn’t there an hour ago when I went to bed… but it sure came along in full force shortly after. I never sleep after that.

My therapist has been trying to convince me that I can feel safe. That I can be “aware” without being hyper-vigilant. I seem to strongly disagree. My husband has been working overnight shifts this week, which left me home alone all night. Of course, my plan to deal with this is to stay up all night till he gets home. Or at least until daylight. I usually feel much better when the sun is out. For the most part, this works because I generally sleep like crap anyway so I do this when he is home sometimes as well. He’s back to a regular schedule today so I was looking forward to a regular night. I’m tired as hell, too, so I really expected to fall right asleep.

I think it started with a prayer. I don’t pray regularly. I’ve always been a little uncomfortable with it. That’s a whole other bag, but the short of it- God and me have some issues. I’m sure I’ll write about those sometime, but I’m pretty stubborn about confronting that so I won’t write much tonight. BUT, early in the week as I was feeling exhausted and anxious about being home alone, I said a little prayer, asking that I be/feel safe while I’m home alone. And as I was closing my eyes tonight, glad the week was over, I thought, “oh, bettter say thanks.” So I did that real quick. I felt awkward as usual. This is partly because I was raised to say prayers a certain way, with a certain format, something like “… in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

Years ago, when I decided I didn’t accept the religion I had grown up with, I realized I had to start from scratch to discover what I DID believe. I haven’t really decided if Christ is part of that or not. So saying a prayer in his name feels weird, because it’s not authentic. Now I suppose it should be easy to find another way to pray. And actually, I occasionally do. But most of the time, I revert to the pattern I know. Truth is, I don’t really have a lot of faith in prayer. It’s kind of like crossing my fingers. I do it just in case it helps because I WANT to believe it works. But I really don’t.

So, back to me lying in bed tonight… I start thinking about all that, feeling guilty about not having more faith, about not being more grateful, about not saying a better prayer… and now I’m wide awake thinking that the world is not how it should be. My therapist wants me to believe that odds are, I am not going to be hurt again. That most of the people in the world are good people. My parents want me to believe that God is watching, and listening, and somehow INVOLVED in our lives and the world. 20 years ago, I accepted all this as fact. The world was basically good. Bad things might still happen to good people, but at the end of the day, God is there. We’re not alone. AND THIS WILL SOMEHOW MAKE EVERYTHING OK.

Bullshit. ok… now the anger is coming out, and I knew it would. blechhh. I told ya, me and God got some stuff to work out. I don’t do well with expressing anger. I don’t even do well with realizing I feel this way. But I AM pissed. I feel like the world is a SHITTY place. People can’t be trusted. God-that-I-thought-existed IS NOT REAL. (Note: I am not saying God is not real. I really don’t know. I just know it’s not the God I thought was real.) It’s like finding out that beautiful sky is made of paper and someone just punched a hole through it with their fist. World destroyed. It’s like finding out the glasses you’ve been wearing all your life had rose-colored lenses… and without them, the world is completely different. And I just can’t reconcile…

I wish I could. … *deep breath* Wow, I just read what i had typed so far. I guess I knew damn good and well where that gaping hole came from. I just didn’t want to admit it. Like I said… STUBBORN. I have to admit, the pain in my chest is a little smaller now. So, um… yay?

Ummm… I can usually only handle personal revelation in small doses. And I kinda use fandom as a coping strategy sometimes? So… I’ll just finish this post with a favorite fanvid of mine that kinda captures my current feels. If you’re into that, enjoy? If not… that’s ok. Thanks for hearing me out tonight! This is a Supernatural fanvid, “No Bravery” by Ash.

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying', and if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did'." ~ Jack Handey