random, fractured, heartbroken thoughts mixed in with a fuck-ton of spelling and grammatical error

shy

The phrase goes “Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth”.

Really? I have to disagree. I am one of those fortunate characters and I assure you the plight of the meek is not one of the glorious chosen.
Being quite in the background in the shadows gets you very little. It’s a very lonely world, the world of the meek. You constantly feel like people are pushing past you or not even acknowledging that you are there.

A dear friend of mine suffers from similar characteristics. She once said to me “It’s easier letting others make the decisions for me”. I know just what she is talking about. In her case the biggest issue seems to be her job. She is brilliant and attained 2 masters degrees in her chosen fields. When she was employed straight after leaving university (by the firm I was working at, at the time), the interviewers “had” to employ her right away. They could not risk loosing her while they interviewed others. Several years later she is indispensable. Indispensable but she is being fucked over on a daily basis. She is super hard working and rarely leaves before 10pm. The company does pay overtime (I always got paid for any extra time I put in when I was with them) but she never gets paid for it. She is one of the lowest paid but she stays quite and doesn’t kick up a stink. People go on holiday and dump their projects on her because they know she will do it, and do it properly. She grins and bears it. I am similar but not even I would stand for the way she is being treated. Lot’s of us close to her encourage her to move on and try to reinforce her confidence. But she is terrified to move on and being meek she just continues to get fucked over. She suffers in silence and only occasionally cries on one of our shoulders. I understand what she is going through. That helpless, lonely and terrifying darkness. Knowing you are being treated badly but being completely helpless to help yourself. I don’t know what to do for her. All I can think of is to try build her up, pass on my advice and be there when she needs a shoulder. I know the best way to fix this is for her to do it for herself. But I also know its a hard, painful and sometimes lonely journey.

With work I have developed the confidence to “not give a shit”. I know that if I walk out of a company, I can find something relatively quickly. And even if I don’t I know I can adapt into a new role and have no fear in that regard. But I still have those who are more bullish, push past and get ahead. I don’t have that loud voice and the fight that is often required to get ahead in a corporate world.

Age and experience has taught me that sometimes pushing that meek, quite side of myself away gets me what I want. But it can be incredibly difficult. Even building myself up and being ready to take that step, doesn’t make it happen. The time comes and either I bottle it or even bottle it on autopilot. What I mean by that is I only realise sometime later that I didn’t do what I had intended, said what I wanted, confronted a situation. Often this behavior repeats itself over and over. It can be overcome, I know this. I know that I can even be in the zone with a situation and have the confidence to barge through obstacle after obstacle and come though stronger, happier and bullish. Unfortunately even when I overcome my meekness in a certain situation, the next time it may not and I revert to that meek, quiet introvert. It’s so frustrating, so soul destroying, so crippling!

The same is happening in my marriage. I have wanted to leave for so long. Prepared myself to take that step. Given myself and given her every reason to separate. But I bottle it when the crunch comes. Part of the reason is meekness. If I was a bastard and just did what I needed to, what I “should” (read “The Background Story” for more details) I know I would be happier. But sometimes we can’t help ourselves no matter how much we want to.

Suggesting that the meek will inherit something due to the bullish destroying themselves or burning their light out is wrong. It’s pure fiction and utter bullshit. If anything it is the other way around and the meek will be pounded out of existence.