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Coldplay annouce massive UK supermarket tour [satire]

Coldplay annouce massive UK supermarket tour

Britain’s Best Band Coldplay today announced a historic 30-date tour of the nation’s biggest supermarkets.

Speaking after the Brits this week, where they won the award for ‘Music to Calm Pets With’ in the Music Like A Humming Fridge category, singer Chris Martin told a packed press conference: ‘Supermarkets are where our music really belongs.’

‘Fans are used to Tesco and Asda playing our songs, unless it’s the Christmas period obviously. But now they can have the pure experience of hearing us how we are meant to be heard, uninterrupted by tannoy announcements.’

The rock legends, whose album ‘Hopes + Generalised Dreams = Harmonious Soundwaves’ is released next week, will see their tour culminate at Salford’s massive Tesco Extra.

‘There’s 185,000 square feet of floor space in that one,’ sang Martin in his beautiful sonorous cascade. He then switched his piano to Lazer.

Tesco chief-exec Philip Clarke said, ‘It is expected that Coldplay will bring to the retail space a sense of prevalent hopefulness.’

‘A consumer will see our mile-long, 7ft-high stack of chocolate biscuits and their spirits will lift, but then, before their spirits crash back to earth with the sudden despair that pushing a trolley round a supermarket on Friday nights brings, Coldplay will come over the speakers and make them feel positive.’

‘In fact as the rock-gods’ music ascends towards the poignant arcs that made them famous, the consumer then feels anything is possible. It then buys more biscuits than it can ever eat.’

The ambient megaband’s tour, ‘The Locally Sourced Organic Foodstuffs Tour’, includes Cleethorpes, Newcastle, and Liverpool. Coldplay bassist Guy Berryman said, ‘Most of the really huge stores might be in the north but it’s not our business to investigate any socio-economic reasons behind industrial-scale comfort eating. It’s our business to rock the place out!’