Friday, October 03, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The security chief of Comcast has been named the new Director of the Secret Service. He says he will assign President Obama a new team of agents for protection as long as the President is home sometime between 8 and 5 next Monday through Friday.

The security chief of Comcast has been named the new Director of the Secret Service. So far he has proposed to upgrade security at the White House with a motion detector, three window sensors and two indoor/outdoor cameras for a special one time price of $49.95 a month.

A report says the Secret Service is struggling to fulfill its mission. Which is pretty sad when its mission is to pretty much at least lock the front doors at the White House.

A report says the Secret Service is struggling to fulfill its mission. Although they do like to point out the sign at headquarters that says “Only 2 Presidents shot since 1963.”

Two identical twins have found identical homes to move into next door to each other. The only question in this housing market is how long before they are able to post identical foreclosure signs in the front yard.

60% of California is now designated as being in exceptional drought. The good news is state officials have figured out how to end the drought by annexing it to the other 40% of the state which is Death Valley and the Mojave Desert.

60% of California is now designated as being in exceptional drought. The good news is that driving from L.A. to Las Vegas seems so much shorter now that there isn’t any scenery change for the entire trip.

60% of California is now designated as being in exceptional drought. Ever since Jerry Brown became governor again, 75% of California’s drinking water is locked up in bongs all around the state.

Liberia says the Dallas Ebola patient lied on his exit documents. Apparently he left out the part where he was shooting projectile blood out of every orifice of his body.

The target of an FBI bribery probe was able to succeed in bribing an FBI agent to stop the investigation. At least it’s nice to see someone getting personally involved in what is going on at the office.

Mercedes Benz is planning to test a self driving car in California. Apparently wealthy Mercedes owners don’t want to be bothered with actually having to chit chat and make small talk with the chauffeur.

A Harvard class is asking students what they would do if they worked for Beyonce. To which all the men pretty much said they would volunteer to be her wardrobe assistant to help her change in and out of costumes.

A Harvard class is asking students what they would do if they worked for Beyonce. Most of them said they would just try not to get in a place between her sister Solange and her husband Jay-Z while riding on the elevator.

Adam Sandler has signed a deal to make four movies that will only play on Netflix. The company isn’t sure if they will stream the films or just personally deliver DVDs to the four homes that will actually pay to watch them.

Twitter is spending $10 Million with MIT to study the benefits of social networks. To which MIT students are grumbling all Facebook did was make a billionaire out of that Harvard nerd Zuckerberg.

A report says that White Castle is New York City’s cleanest food chain. The sad part is that anyone working at White Castle is pretty much at the bottom of the New York City food chain.

A report says that White Castle is New York City’s cleanest food chain. The bad news is that puts them just ahead of the Hungarian food truck and the Jamaican sidewalk cart.

The Supreme Court will decide if employees can sue their companies for excessive fees in their 401(k) plans. What do those retirement plans think they are, an airline?

The Supreme Court will decide if employees can sue their companies for excessive fees in their 401(k) plans. The companies’ defense is that what does it matter since they don’t pay their workers enough to think of ever retiring in the first place?

The Ebola outbreak has disrupted Exxon’s plans to drill for oil in western Africa. If Ebola is scary enough to make oil companies back off from making more money, it pretty much means we are all dead.

The company that designed “Angry Birds” is laying off 130 workers. The worst part is that they notified them by bombarding them with eggs at their work stations.

Facebook says it is still experimenting on users. Mostly to find out why people still use Facebook after knowing they are being used for experiments.

A record 5.6 Million viewers tuned in for the NL Wild Card game on ESPN. Which shows that baseball still has TV drawing power. It also means “The Kardashians,” “Duck Dynasty” and “Honey Boo Boo” were all still showing reruns.

United Airlines is trying to contact all passengers who shared the flights with the Texas Ebola patient. So far, ever United customer says the threat of being subjected to Ebola still ranks as the most enjoyable part of the flight.

A Pentagon official says the military must stop deferring to contractors. To which Pentagon workers are asking how else are they going to continue to get them to offer bribes?

Privacy advocates are suing the Pentagon over test results about the safety of Internet voting. The only problem is that every time they tried to get people to vote using the Internet, the elections were won by some porn star.

GM is recalling 117,000 more vehicles for a problem that causes their cars to either stall or not start. Apparently they are being recalled so that GM can actually rebrand them as Chryslers.

Taylor Swift says that dating is the last thing on her mind. Apparently she has condensed the process where she can just meet someone and already have a song in mind about how she will fall in love with them and then get unceremoniously dumped.

A lawyer representing several celebrities is threatening to sue Google for $100 Million for failing to remove their hacked photos. To which Google says the only reason anyone even uses a search engine is to find pictures of naked women.

Matthew McConaughey gave a motivational talk to the University of Texas football team. Apparently his message contained some words that used to get him fired up when he played football. He looked at the players and said “First and ten, do it again, we like it, we like it!”

Charlie Sheen is being accused of pulling a knife on a dentist. He reportedly threatened him by saying the last time he used his knife, the show was ready to be called “Three Complete Men.”

“Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Teresa Giudice has been sentenced to 15 months in prison for fraud. Apparently she listed her occupation on an official document as “actress.”

“Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Teresa Giudice has been sentenced to 15 months in prison for fraud. Although skeptics think it’s just a way to get in a crossover episode with “Orange Is The New Black.”

The NFL Referee’s Union says the league is inconsistent with their grading of calls. Apparently the union feels if the referees manage to get the calls wrong every time, why can’t the league?

A New York Knicks fan is suing the team after getting fired from his job after heckling the players. People were surprised. A Knicks fan had a job?

Former Raiders quarterback Rich Gannon says the team now has a “Commitment to Mediocrity.” To which the team says after an 0-4 start, “We wish!”

The Cleveland Indians pitching staff is up for the “Mustache of the Year” award. Other teams feel they have better facial hair and that the nomination was made to get their goatee.

The Cleveland Indians pitching staff is up for the “Mustache of the Year” award. It’s a fitting title, as the starters are like a bad shave. Always in need of immediate relief.

The NFL says its 2015 draft will be held in Chicago. Which is a great way to honor the home city of the Bears who have made a tradition of being one of the first teams to get a draft pick nearly every year.

Archaeologists say the Acropolis in Greece is starting to give way. Which at least is nice that the birth place of democracy has pretty much been able to survive past the end of the actual practice.

Archaeologists say the Acropolis in Greece is starting to give way and could come down at any time. Which means after all these centuries it is still more stable than the Greek government.

The U.S. says it is keeping several nuclear warheads in case they need to be used against a killer asteroid. Or the next war over oil, whichever comes first.

A new app called Good2Go tracks sexual consent. Or as college fraternity members are asking, “What’s sexual consent?”

The FCC Chairman is proposing a study about 5G wireless. To which Sprint customers will be more excited about once they finally get to experience what it is like to use 3G.

A report says that Pluto is being considered to once again be designated as a planet. Apparently, scientists think it is far enough from the Sun where we can send Al Gore so he will finally stop talking about Global Warming.

A poll says that 7% of voters approve of the job Congress is doing. The other 93% are waiting to see what Congress is actually doing.

A poll says that 7% of voters approve of the job Congress is doing. It’s just too bad the other 93% don’t have some sort of process where they can actually take the people they disapprove of and replace them say, with another candidate.

The White Hose says there are no plans to appoint an Ebola Czar. Apparently they figure how are they going to stop an infectious disease that is circling the globe when they can’t even keep a knife wielding intruder out of the Green Room?

The White Hose says there are no plans to appoint an Ebola Czar. Apparently they feel they can combat and track the disease by just putting a box to check for anyone showing symptoms when they log on to the Obamacare website.

A poll says that half of all Americans feel the U.S. is at a high risk of a terror attack. Apparently those are the diligent people who have still held on to their plastic sheeting and duct tape since 2002.

A poll says that half of all Americans feel the U.S. is at a high risk of a terror attack. The other half are saying it’s no big deal since they have gone through a TSA search on their way to a flight with United Airlines.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers take on the Cardinals tonight in the Division Playoff Series. I really need you all to root hard for the Dodgers, because if they lose this series I may be too depressed to continue writing jokes for awhile. Which may mean that half of you will be rooting for the Cards. Scratch that. Let’s just keep the request to the usual asking you all to remember to send the love!