This past weekend, a few friends and I pulled together two tables at a Mexican restaurant on Capitol Hill. We gathered ’round complimentary baskets of tortilla chips and spent an hour or so chatting and laughing and eating cheese quesadillas. All but one of us are single, so the conversation naturally (with a little help from a not-to-be-named blogger) turned to dating.

After a particularly deep discussion about the implied intent behind side hugs versus front hugs (we Washingtonians discuss only very serious, important issues), the non-single of the group shares that she has found “the one.”

As in, the one.

The one that she’ll marry. The one she’ll stand with, hand in hand, to proclaim their lifelong commitment to one another before family and friends. The one she’ll start a family with. The one she’ll grow old and retire with. Yep, that one.

Good for her! Hip hip hooray! A round of salsa on the house! Let’s celebrate!

But wait. Before we get this party started, I’ve got to ask an important question: When do you know you’ve found the one?

My friend apparently only needed a month. As in four weeks. As in 30 days! And I’m left to wonder: HOW? Because let’s get real: I’ve known people for 30 days before I’ve even learned their names, let alone the important, deep stuff about them. Seriously, woman with brown hair and glasses at church, what is your name?! I’m really sick of calling you “Heeeey! How aaare yooou?” every single Sunday. (And I’m sorry!)

How long does it take to get to know someone? In a romantic sense, how long does it take to know someone well enough to commit to a future together? A future bigger than just “going steady” or “wearing his varsity jacket.” A future in marriage — ’til death do us part. I mean, how long does that take?

I’ve asked this question to so many people. And more times than I care to count, I’ve heard this reply: You’ll know when you know.

Um… no duh. How could you know before you know?

From my inexperienced, single-minded (literally), perhaps naive perspective, 30 days is a bit quick. I don’t think there’s a specific time frame per se, but a month? Doubtful. My friend will likely go on, get married and have a kid before I click “publish” on this post. But I must still ask the questions. It’s just this stubborn habit I have to practice responsible journalism.

So I ask again: How long does it take to really know someone? To trust them? To understand them?

Someone once told me you should date someone through at least four seasons. No, not at the Four Seasons (though that’d be nice) — through four seasons. Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring. Experience all the annual events in each other’s lives, every holiday with your families, every bright and sunny Summer moment, every dreary and cold Winter moment. I suppose the theory here is what you need to really know someone is time.

Aaaah, time! Who has it? Not me! Clock’s a tickin’, folks. Meet someone! Get married! Have babies! Wither up and die!

For me, the “you’ll know when you know” moment comes when you’ve covered all the relationship must-haves, and you’re mutually happy with what you see. I’m not talking about the long lists of what you want and don’t want. I’m talking about the important stuff.

Shared faith and a lifestyle built around putting that faith into action

Romantic chemistry

Shared views on family and children

Supported career and financial goals

Compatible personalities

And getting through that list has got to take more than 30 days, right? I’m thinking six months minimum. Unless you spend every waking moment with the person (which can’t be healthy) — then possibly three months.

On the other side of the coin, I’d like to propose the alternative but equally confusing: You’ll not know when you don’t know. Wait, that can’t be right. That might be a double, nay, triple negative. Regardless, the point I’m making (terribly) is: There comes a time when you know they’re not the one, when you know they don’t match up to all the important areas listed above. It’s that time you know you have to walk away. And I’d argue that this can absolutely be determined within a year.

I can feel the glares of disdain coming through this computer screen from all you long-term relationship readers, all you “We just celebrated our four-year dating anniversary” folks. I’m not going to apologize for this. You’re already winning! You are snuggling up to your special someone every night and I’m sitting here alone in my apartment blogging about you. You win!

So in summary: My professional take is that you will know if someone is the one within 3-12 months of dating. Any less and you’re just scratching the surface. Any more and you better put a ring on it.

What’s your take?

~Ruth

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37 thoughts on “You’ll Know When You Know”

Ah, the age old question LOL! I certainly think it’s conceivable that you may “know” within 30 days if he’s the one, but I still think it would be worth investing 3-4 months even after you “know” to be sure that you are both ready for a “rest of your life” commitment. That’s no small thing. And while in principal, I like the 4 seasons theory, I know for myself that when the “one” for me comes along, it’s unlikely that I’ll last that long LOL (being enough into my 30’s already to know that time is not on my side!) Of course, this is all conjecture on my part, as God seems to want me single, at least for now =)

Good point. Even though we may “know,” perhaps investing a little more time is simply the wise thing to do. Obviously, I know folks who have known within days! But they continued to date for quite some time… getting to know each other in the dating context. It can be a very healthy indicator for marriage.

I’m with you on the four seasons thing, though I think a year (by most people’s standards) is very short. I’m 32, so I can’t even imagine dating someone for more than six months before I know to either marry the guy, or walk away. I also think that’s just a natural evolution that comes with age — We’re more sure of ourselves, we know what we want, we know what we value. It comes more quickly. In my twenties, I might have dated much longer, because I didn’t know myself as well!

Couldn’t agree more! That’s exactly how I feel … I was very uncertain of myself in my twenties and would never trust myself to come to make that kind of a decision in so short a time, but now that I’m 33 (got you beat by 1 yr LOL!), I know me, I’m secure in who I am, and I trust myself to know better =)

Hmmm…….
I don’t know about the rest of everybody who’s not me, but for me, for every person I dated, I was 85% certain within 2-3 dates that they were Not the one. Most of these dating relationships lasted longer than 2-3 dates (that last 15% took longer than the first 85), but none longer than 2 months. There just wasn’t any profit to be had with growing romantically entrenched with someone I already knew wasn’t the partner for me (didn’t fight well, told an awful lot of white lies, seemed to be idolizing me, seemed to not care much about me, etc).
For my The One, I knew I loved him at 5 months. I knew I would say yes at 8 months. And at 12 months, after the ring was bought but the question unpopped, we went through the worst, darkest, most painful relationship moments I never thought I’d have to go through. We fought through it. We fought each other, we fought ourselves, and we didn’t do it very well at all, but we did it. I prayed a lot, we prayed together, and we had help. And I think…..I think we would have married without having to go through that darkness, but now on the other side of it….now I know to the marrow that this man is The One.
So the “date through 4 seasons” thing, I think there is a lot of wisdom in that. And I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone, but I think there’s also something to be said for “date until you’ve had at least one knock-down-drag-out fight.”

I’d say it’s so much easier to know if someone is NOT the one, than to know if they ARE the one. I’m with you on that. The first couple dates are so telling. And for me (as a fairly independent gal), I’ve never been one to be in a relationship just “to be in a relationship” (if you catch my drift). Some people get tangled up too easily. Being single is so much better than being in terrible relationships, right?!

Your story, though dark, is hopeful. Thank you so much for sharing. You knew this man, truly, at 5 months, at 8 months. And you loved him. But only until your relationship was tested did you really know him. I suppose that’s just the law of time — the longer you know someone, the more you know them. The truth is, whether or not the valleys come during the dating period, they WILL eventually come. It’s inevitable. Getting to know each other beforehand in a dating setting will simply help prepare you for those valleys, and ultimately help you make it through to the other side, which you’ve clearly done. Good on you.

Isn’t the snow cute?! It’s a WordPress feature only available this time of year. Happy Holidays!

I used to think I’d need the four seasons but as the years have passed, I’ve come to believe it’s good advice for those in their early 20s or younger. When you’re still learning who you are, you’ll need to give a relationship more time to make sure you understand who this other person is. As a 30-something, I’m fairly certain it won’t take me long to know whether “this” is it or not. I know myself, I know what my non-negotiables are, and so on. I also have a good sense of discernment. I will not be surprised if I meet a guy and end up having a seemingly whirlwind relationship.

**See exchange above with Sherie. I think we’re all on the same page. We’re older now, we know ourselves better. At this point (as opposed to how it was in our twenties), dating isn’t about discovering ourselves — it’s about discovering our compatibility with another person. Many people have told me that when I finally get hitched, it’ll be a “whirlwind relationship,” as you say. So, I get it! Ideally, a year would be nice. We’ll see… You always have such wise insight!

I agree with hopefulleigh on this one, I think. After one very intense dating experience and another less-intense-but-still-intense one, I think I’ll probably meet the guy and “end up having a seemingly whirlwind relationship.” The more experience I’ve gained, the fewer holes there are to fill in, as far as knowledge and understanding myself better.

That being said, I’m not a big rules person. If someone told me I had to date through four seasons before even considering marriage, I’d get a little prickly (even though, as a loose piece of advice, I think it’s a good idea). But this goes the other way, too: if someone said “you’ll know within a month, or dump him,” I’d probably date a good long time.

I think we’d get along swimmingly, Catherine. I, too, might just date for seven years if someone told me to figure it all out within a month. Ha! I hate rules! And I didn’t mean to come across in this post as a “rule maker.” Every single relationship is so different. My friend may, in fact, know he’s the one (even after just a month), where I may need a bit longer. Neither is right or wrong. But as a rule of thumb, the four seasons thing seems reasonable. We’ve all gotta start somewhere, right?

Here’s hoping for a whirlwind relationship for both of us. And may it come quickly!😉

I knew that Dan was the one within 2 weeks of dating- I even told my parents in confidence- “This the the one!” My dad reminded me of that recently. I hadn’t even told them that about anyone else, so they knew it was serious. Seriously though, I think that maybe it’s different for everybody but I think it’s entirely possible to know pretty soon. For us, we had matched up our values, goals, and beliefs before we met (thanks eHarmony) and meeting confirmed that our personalities and chemistry were awesome.

I always thought the four seasons thing too, and I did hold out for a while on announcing that Dan was the one to everybody, just to make sure he wasn’t a nut job or something down the line. I tend to agree with the previous commenter though, that once you’re of a certain age and know yourself pretty well, that guideline might not be as necessary as when you’re younger and still figuring out how life works.

Online dating will “speed up the process” a bit, that’s for sure. You’ve already laid out all the things that are important to you in a neatly organized profile page. If someone agreed to connect with you online, they’ve already agreed that they like all those things. It’s pretty genius, actually. (Oh, Neil Clark Warren. Well done!) So, I’d say that helped move your two-week decision up.🙂 But just like Sherie said above, you still dated Dan for a while and didn’t announce to the world that he was the one like some sort of psycho. You gave it an honest shot, and… apparently it worked! (Congrats!)

It seems most of us agree that as we get older, we know ourselves better and don’t need to date as long. Phew! This is actually reassuring for me. I’m totally gonna get married quick. Vegas, here I come!

I have been married to Adam for 11 years, and we have 2 beautiful girls. The year before Zi met him. I went on so many first dates and I would never go on a second, that my friends started calling me the reaper of souls. I knew these guys were not it for me.
I went on my first date with Adam on April 24 11 years ago and for the first time my heart leapt! I was in love by the end of the month!

We did not get married right away because well that is not how I roll! My point is I knew I was willing to take on the highs and lows. I was committed to making our relationship work and not bail when things got tough.

Adam is the love of my life and I knew pretty fast. The knowing just helped me have strength! God gave me the partner that I needed!

This is interesting. You KNEW early on (within a month), but stuck it out… and that knowing is what helped you make it through until the wedding day and beyond. Whereas with other dates, you weren’t willing to work at anything because it was clear they weren’t right for you. Aaaahhh, light bulb moment! Thanks for sharing. This is inspiring.

I should note: One of the reasons you may have known so quickly with Adam is that you DID date a lot of men. You learned more about yourself and men in the process, and further refined what you were looking for. So by the time Adam rolled around, you were ready… and had a light bulb moment of your own. Good on you for being adventurous! (Thanks for sharing your great story!)

I did know when I knew, so to speak. I knew after about 3 months, but we dated for 2 years…so I think that was a healthy thing to do. Might I add that knowing that I’d found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with (a strange realization indeed) did not mean that I’d somehow found a perfect angel that fit me in every way imaginable. It’s good to bear in mind that this knowing doesn’t come without issues🙂

You bring up an important point I neglected to mention — “the one” isn’t perfect. You will have issues. You will go through hard times. That’s LIFE in general, even more so when you spend so much time with another human. But knowing that you were committed to that one person helped you get through. That’s so great!

If you take “romantic chemistry” off the list, then you can definitely know if the person you are dating is the right one within thirty days. And even, if you do a background/interest check before you meet, within two weeks.

Personally, I don’t put much faith into romantic chemistry. If the person doesn’t disgust you, and looks fairly decent, I think it grows with time. Besides – romantic chemistry doesn’t last forever. And chemistry can also work against you – many people argue (and divorce) because of the very traits that once attracted them to their spouse. So, in my opinion (which, obviously, you are not obligated to listen to) forget it. If you like the person otherwise, and you have everything else on your list; if you miss them when you spend two weeks with no contact, and can stand the thought of kissing them, go for it. The rest will come with time.

And if it doesn’t? Don’t worry, you’re not missing anything. Chemistry? Feh. That’s the stuff Hollywood is made of. It’s not the stuff love is made of, and certainly not the stuff long-lasting love is made of. Romance itself, you can add later.

I did not know that my husband was “the one”, by the way (he says he did, on the first date; I say he was stupid). I decided to go with it when he thanked me (and proposed to me) after I gave him a list of his faults and good points. I figured, if you can say thank you for criticism that hits this close to home, and I can see that you’ve changed since we first spoke, then yeah, this is a pretty good thing. Not many people will thank me for criticism, much less listen to it.

Depends how you define romantic chemistry, I suppose. I’m not talking about a sex life or the lust factor or anything like that. I’m talking about simple, romantic attraction. Translation in girl-speak: BUTTERFLIES! I actually do think it’s really important. I’ve seen too many really sad, often LONG marriages where there is so little attraction. It’s just pathetic and makes me never want to get married. It’s important to feel that someone wants to be with you, wants to be near you, finds you beautiful. And, by the way, you mention missing someone when they’re not around? That IS romantic chemistry! And it’s a beautiful thing!

So, I guess we’ll agree to disagree. I don’t want someone that I can just “stand” to kiss. That sounds like an arranged marriage to me. I know that romance and attraction can grow over time, which is probably why I opt for a decent amount of dating.

Okay, I was talking about butterflies, too. I guess the word “lust” is also up for discussion – but that’s for a different time, right? I’ve seen enough couples where she wasn’t attracted to him at first, but gave it time because everything else seemed okay – and they’re happily married now. Also – I think most men define female beauty a lot differently than we do. And you want someone who will find you beautiful even when you’re bloated, fat, and pimply…which means that he’s gotta be looking a bit deeper than that.

About arranged marriages – there are different types and different situations, so I can’t really make any one statement about them. You are probably right, though, that after three months of dating (but not necessarily after two or three dates), you should be able to tell if the attraction grew on you. I’m not sure you need a year, though.

I’m still not sure you need butterflies, though. But, as you said, we can agree to disagree. However – can I ask a favor? Next time you meet someone who you don’t feel chemistry/romantic attraction to at first, give it a chance and see how it goes (and then let me know).🙂

It takes me sometimes 30 days to reply to an email or finish a post here. I can’t imagine falling in love with someone in that length of time, but great news for your friend though. I guess when you know, you know.

Very interesting topic. I think the time frame of knowing that you have met your spouse probably varies for everyone. My pastor met her husband at 15. His mom told her “you’re going to marry my son” and she looked at his mom like she was crazy (it was the 70s, and she was a fro wearing, anti marriage, burn your bra, feminist/hippy). I mean, she was 15…but she ended up marrying him, only 3 years later (so in this case her mother in law knew before she did). They’ve been married 37 years now with 4 kids. My best friend has been married 4 years now and knew within months that she would marry her now husband. I can share that I knew he was the one when a week before her wedding she received the devastating news of a sudden, unexpected death of a loved one. And he had all the right words for her, as he had experienced similar loss in his own life. Watching him console her and pray for her when no one else could, confirmed to me that he was the one. I had never heard of the 4 seasons thing but I think that it can be applied to spiritual seasons as well. Life brings a LOT of different seasons and you never know what you will walk through in your life. I trust God to bring me the person who will be able to walk alongside me through anything, similar to my best friend and her hubby. And even though I’ve yet to meet “the one” I must agree with the majority in that “I will just know”.🙂

Your friend’s story is touching. She knew he was the one early on, but you saw their compatibility in action when he was by her side through that difficult time. So beautiful. That’s the kind of love I’m looking for. And, heck, if God wants to reveal that to me in a week’s time, I’m all for it! But if it takes a little longer, I’m learning to be patient as well. The bottom line is: It’s important to know someone before you commit to marry them. A commitment that strong deserves some solid research.

I think you’re probably right, but I’ve never been to the point of “knowing he’s the right one”, so what do I know?😀 My Dad and Mom married 6 weeks after they met – 6 weeks! And they’ve been married for 32 years.
I’m counting on the “just knowing”.😛

Oh, how romantic! Met and married within 6 weeks… and married over 30 years. Sigh. They are just ruining it for the rest of us, aren’t they? How can we compete?!

I’m counting on the “just knowing,” too, as cliche as it is. But I’m also willing to put in the time to get to know someone, if that’s what it takes. I’m learning (partially from all these great comments!), that it’s not as cookie-cutter as we sometimes think it is. Every story is unique.

I definitely believe it’s possible to know very quickly that someone is “the one.” For whatever reason, I think God chooses to reveal to some folks right off the bat when they’ve met the person He’s planned for them to end up with. With others, it might take longer. It all depends on the person, the situation, and God’s plan.🙂 Not sure how all that applies to non-Christians since I’m not coming at this issue from that perspective!

That’s why it’s so great to be in tune with God, isn’t it? We get little glimpses of his will for our lives. It’s so refreshing! Sometimes it’s frustrating, too, when the decisions aren’t so clear. But it’s in those times we can learn to trust him more.

Alfredo: Once upon a time, a king gave a feast. And there came the most beautiful princesses of the realm. Now, a soldier, who was standing guard, saw the king’s daughter go by. She was the most beautiful one, and he immediately fell in love with her. But what could a poor soldier do when it came to the daughter of the king? Well, finally, one day, he managed to meet her, and he told her that he could no longer live without her. The princess was so impressed by his strong feelings that she said to the soldier: “If you can wait 100 days and 100 nights under my balcony, then at the end of it, I shall be yours.” Damn! The soldier immediately went there and waited one day. And two days. And ten. And then twenty. And every evening, the princess looked out of her window, but he never moved. During rain, during wind, during snow, he was always there. The bird shat on his head, and the bees stung him, but he didn’t budge. After ninety nights, he had become all dried up, all white, and the tears streamed from his eyes. He couldn’t hold them back. He no longer had the strength to sleep. All that time, the princess watched him. And on the 99th night, the soldier stood up, took his chair, and went away.
Salvatore: [later in the film, Toto gives Alfredo his interpretation] … In one more night, the princess would have been his. But she also could not possibly have kept her promise. And it would have been terrible. He would have died. This way, however, at least for 99 days, he was living under the illusion that she was there, waiting for him.

One of my takes on this is that she knew she will never be his. She knew what he didn’t know. She gave him 100 days to figure it out. He did…with a night to spare. In some way a sad story, but on another level for me, very much a cautionary reminder about love at first sight. I am not saying it doesn’t exist, but don’t be fooled by it.

This is so depressing! Ha ha. I feel really bad for that guy and, frankly, I wanna punch that girl in the face! At least yell out to him through the window and let him know he’s not the one. Common courtesy, people!

I’d say that age plays a factor. At 32 years old, I know myself pretty well and I know what I’m looking for in a husband much more clearly than I did at 22 years old. Heck, at that age, I was just trying to find a “real” job and move out of my parents’ basement! I wasn’t ready for a relationship, let alone marriage. Things are different now. My mom thinks that when “it” happens, it’s going to be quick. I’ll meet “the one”, fall in love, and get married in less than a year. I hope she’s right! 😉

My husband knew he wanted to marry me two months into our relationship. It took me slightly longer, but I had had less dating experience than him (he had just gotten out of a seven-year relationship). We got married nine months after we met.
We were on a bit of a fast-track because we went on a trip together, and then a very close and very loved relative of mine died, so we went through big family events and grieving and all of that together, but I think that even without that, we still would have known.
I should point out that we’re both naturally cautious people and would never have imagined doing something as crazy as marrying someone we had only known nine months…that is, until we met each other. I’m not sure what my point is, other than I would have felt *exactly* the way you do about this until it happened to me.
I do agree with you that you’ll not know when you don’t know…or however the quadruple negative goes. One of my friends is perpetually asking me how she’ll know if her boyfriend is the one, and the reason she asks is because he is not the one.

I agree that time should be involved. Even three months seems too small a time period to determine whether you can spend a lifetime together.
It took only 7 weeks for me to declare one man “not the one,” a week longer to break the news to him. I decided going out with him any longer than that would be horribly mean. If I knew he wasn’t the one within two months and then continued to date him until the next “possibility” arrived, I’d just be wasting his time. I’d feel guilty about that.
Not sure if that tangent was on target or not.

Anyway, my name is Elise and I’ve been a lurker on your blog for a while now. It took me a while to find the “comment” button. I used to be tech savvy. I’m 27 and not sure where my online smarts went.🙂 It’s nice to meet you… and I’ll be back.

Three months does seem short. I guess what I meant by that is, you might know at three months, but it’s not like you’re getting married on the 90-day mark. You still date after that, even if it’s under an engagement. So there’s still time to make sure.

Good on you for not stringing that guy along. That’s the worst. It has happened to me, and it’s not a good feeling to be on the receiving end, either.