It doesn’t make any logical sense that anyone would feel guilty about living in pain, yet often we do.

Our modern culture puts a premium on keeping up, carrying on, being strong, not complaining and toeing the line. We leave almost no room for the body’s natural requirements for rest and true refreshment and relaxation. Even our vacations tend to be short and filled with activity.

We worry that if we allow ourselves to withdraw from activity and participation in the game of life for more than a very brief interlude, we are simply not good people.

Good people take short breaks and then keep going, keep trying, never give up and never say die.

In fact, it is almost a sin to do nothing, to step out of the constant stream of work, entertainment, and busy-ness.

Pain Is A Natural Part of Healing

When we are forced to slow way, way down, therefore, we often feel bad about it. We think we should still be up and around, on the phone with people at work, and taking care of things.

We may feel we must hide our pain, pretend it isn’t there and do as much as we would normally do. We think we have to just “grin and bear it.”

Since we don’t have a positive context for pain as a natural element of the process of healing and recovery, we see it as something to fight, overcome, and eventually eradicate. If we can’t do that, we’re somehow letting ourselves be run by the enemy. We feel guilty when we can’t make it stop, when we can’t quickly return to our lives, our duties, and our commitments.

We’re under pressure to heal for all kinds of reasons: we want to get back to work, our kids need our attention, our relationships are strained, the medical bills are piling up, we’re tired of being in pain.

Doctors, therapists, workmen’s compensation systems and insurance companies often have an expectation for what they feel is an appropriate amount of time within which our bodies are expected to heal. If we aren't responding positively to treatments, or we require a more lengthy recovery period than is considered the norm, we may feel shamed for not having healed already.

Feeling Bad About Feeling Bad

Not healing, not relieving our bodily ills and pain, creates guilt because in some way we feel that it’s our fault that things aren’t working out better. We worry that we’re not doing enough to heal, and we aren’t trying hard enough.

We may feel on some deep level that we are letting ourselves and everyone else down. We are concerned that we are burdening others as well. We don’t want our loved ones to worry, and we want to relieve them of having to do the things we can’t do for ourselves.

As the length of time we are in pain and unable to work lengthens, we may experience a subtle, creeping, persistent feeling of shame and failure.

It begins to feel like we are somehow less than a whole person since we are unable to fully contribute to and participate in life. This can lead to feelings of depression, uselessness and meaninglessness.

Antidotes for Shame & Guilt

1. You are Not Wrong for Being in Pain
Being in pain is not your fault. You are not wrong, guilty, bad or screwed up. Being in pain does not equate with being weak, bad, or needy, nor does it mean you are wrong or inadequate as a person.

2. You Are Not on Anyone’s Timetable
Pain keeps its own timetables and no one has the ability to read them completely accurately, not even your doctor. Our bodies are on their own healing schedule that can’t be forced.

3. It's Okay To Do Less
While in pain, your ability to attend to the everyday tasks of life is automatically compromised. It’s part of the package. Give yourself permission to do less, and be honest with others about how much you can and can't handle.

4. Ask for Assistance
Sometimes shame and guilt about needing help makes us reluctant to ask for assistance. Everyone has times in life when they need to depend on others to assist them or take over what they can't do. This is your time. Ask for the help you need as clearly and honestly as you can.

5. Receive Financial Assistance Graciously
One pervasive perception we have in our culture is that people who accept assistance are mooching off society. The truth is, the money is supposed to be there for you, whether it is from charity or government assistance. At times we put money into the collective pot and at times we need to draw money out. It's the way it's supposed to work.

6. Stop Trying to Make Other People Feel Better
Making other people feel better can take the form of a) not expressing what you need so you don’t burden them, b) downplaying your continued pain so your doctor or other caretakers feel better about the job they’re doing, or c) attempting programs or exercises that you’re not ready for because you are responding to someone else’s urging, or avoiding blame for not trying harder.

7. Know That Healing is Your Current Job
Your real job, for now, is healing. Don’t judge yourself harshly according to what you used to be capable of doing. You are handling another aspect of life right now that requires a great deal of time and energy.

When you heal, you will have a stronger sense of appreciation for the life you have, and a greater capacity for compassion toward yourself and others.

Your priorities may be rearranged for a while, or forever, but that’s not always a bad thing. Let yourself learn whatever this time with pain is trying to teach you.

Sarah..I can't thank you enough for writing what is in my head daily! You wrapped up many feelings that we deal with daily. I have had fibro for many yrs & the hardest thing for me is accepting this is my life..my family have always been over achievers & I feel daily that I'm the
black sheep' of the family because of my health. Thank you for putting into words what my daily life has become! I am looking forward to your other posts💜💜#Blessing
<3

Sharon, thank you so much for your comments. I'm glad the post was helpful to you, and I appreciate you making the effort to connect. All the best to you, Sarah.

Reply

Jill

5/15/2016 11:12:32 am

Sarah, Thank you so much for this article you are letting me know it's okay to be in pain. Also when I'm in pain tell someone if they ask and accept the help they offer which is something that is very hard for me.

Thank you for your comments, Jill. It's so important to find a way to graciously ask for help and graciously accept it!

Reply

Deborah Ross

5/16/2016 01:55:01 am

Sarah, thank you for putting into words what I could not. I had my thyroid removed in 2006 and my parathyroids were severed. What a mess my life became. Then 2 years ago my arms and legs were hurting so bad I was almost wheelchair bound. Had surgery, on my neck, in 2015 for spinal stenosis, 3 herniated discs, bone spurs and degenerative disc disease. I have a 3-level fusions. My vertebrae were pressing into my spinal cord causing the pain. My leg pain is gone but my neck and arms are still hurting. I'm in chronic pain 24/7. I have depression, anxiety and memory problems. Your article felt like you were writing about me. It will help me to try and not feel guilty and not be super woman. My husband works from home and I feel so guilty when I have to just sit on really bad days. Thank you so much for your article. Bless you. 💙💚💜💛

Deborah,
Thank you so much for making the effort to comment! I feel for you and for your history with pain and am truly honored to be able to offer something useful. I know how alone it can feel to be in pain, and how challenging it is on our relationships. I've also written two articles for Pain News Network on pain's impact on the brain that you might find helpful too. Links to both are on the Resource page on my website www.thepaincompanion.com. All the best to you! Sarah

Reply

Lorrayne Hurlbut

5/24/2016 08:13:38 am

Thank you so much for this article. I really should print it off and read it every day. I find that accepting my limitations is the hardest thing to do. I usually have things under control pretty well and then I do something extra and feel like I lose the ground I had gained. Just getting through with a flare up, hadn't had one this bad in quite awhile so it really was unexpected. Starting back up the hill and will get there and your article is a big help. Thanks again.

Thank you for your comments, Lorrayne. Yes, it is relentlessly hard to live with pain, and always a balancing act in terms of doing and not-doing. I'm glad the post could be of some help to you. I will add some others like this in the coming weeks with some thoughts about how to ease that additional level of emotional pain that comes with living in physical pain. All the best to you.

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Nothing on this website constitutes medical advice and is not intended to be a substitute for the medical advice of physicians. The reader should consult a physician in matters relating to his or her health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention.