advanced reading copy of ADOPTING GRACE
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distress, this sends a message that I can’t tolerate whatever is being expressed. My desire to dismiss emotions with a quick “you’ll be fine” teaches my child that feelings are not acceptable. Through the heart and eyes of a child, such a response can be translated into “I am not acceptable.” Repeating this over and over will lead to children who become adults that deny, repress, and shove aside strong feelings. There is a sweet spot between dismissing and over engaging with our children in times of distress. We each bring our own story and challenges to the table of guiding our children through emotional turmoil. In my early days of waking up to my role in the emotional family dynamic, my personal comfort zone was stretched. When someone I love expresses a disappointment, frustration, or failing, often my initial response is to get the mental wheels turning on what exactly I can offer to “fix” the problem. What words of wisdom or advice can I come up with to help them come to a more peaceful place? Like some kind of savior or super hero, how can I swoop in and make it all better? I respond this way as a result of my particular attachment challenges, assuming that no one else is going to address a problem if I don’t take charge. In reality, this “I must fix it” response comes from a place where my own anxiety around normal human emotional expression rises. It sometimes reveals a selfish focus on how I may appear as mom/wife/person, and other times exposes a limited tolerance for seeing someone I love in an ADOPTING GRACE ADVANCED READING COPY 109