When a simpleton thinks of The Boy Scouts, they think of fresh air, young boys, and marshmallows. They think of the teeming thousands of young boys each and every weekend, that pack off into the woods to experience an early titillating taste of manhood, to experience Nature the way God intended.

I however do not think of these things, I think of the coming wave or terror. No, not one from the other side of the world, hatched in a mountain lair, or from a shack in Wisconsin, but the one brewing in our National Parks, gullies, streams, brooks, tributaries; the one festering in the Boy Scouts of America itself.

First, lets look at the facts. The Boy Scouts of America share many similarities with terrorist organizations. The Boy Scouts are modeled after the military, adopting the rigid hierarchal structure, badge awarding system for excellence, and the uniform policies of every military unit around the world. It cannot be denied that they are militaristic in nature. Politically the Boy Scouts of America share the same values as the Taliban. They are rabidly anti-homosexual, and misogynist. In recent years the Boy Scouts have spent considerable effort purging their ranks of homosexuals, and refusing female members; reminding the "inferior sex" of their place in Girl Guides, and their role as food support and sexual health healers.

There is no doubt that the Scouts are basically a paramilitary group, much like the Young Taliban, or Nazi Youth, and could be called upon to perform a number of devastating military maneuvers. We are therefore at a crossroads. We must ask, "who will inevitably control this potentially deadly group?"
As it stands now, the answer is undeniably an Islamic terrorist organization. Let's look at the facts. Young people are always impressionable. Anywhere you go in the world, young people can easily be tricked or coaxed into doing something extreme. Take for example the sex slave workers of South East Asia, or the suicide bombers in the Middle East. All of them are blinded by promises of wealth and ethereal rewards, only to find themselves being violated by fat sweaty American tourists, or in millions of tiny pieces with nothing to show for their efforts but death itself. Currently, in the United States today, Islam is the fastest growing religion in American prisons. Introduced by Malcolm X in the 1960s, Islam has been growing at an exponential rate among the young, impressionable, and violent. What is to stop the spread of fundamentalist Islam among the Boy Scouts today? With the liberal agenda siding with terrorism, the "freedom of religion" would suffice to protect Taliban agents infiltrating the Boy Scouts with the sole purpose of spreading fundamentalist Islam. "But wait", you say, "American boys are patriots at heart, religiously inspired anti-American rhetoric would fall on deaf ears!" Think again my fellow patriots, have you never heard of Eminem? Eminem has the #1 CD in all of the United States, and is inherently anti-American, rejecting a glorious assault on Iraq, and calling himself, "no friend of Bush", and swearing at the First Lady.

If the Scouts formed into a terrorist organization, American laws, written by bleeding heart liberal-arts majors, would no doubt protect them with weak young offender laws. For example, a dynamite assault on Mount Rushmore, by a small team of Terror Scouts, would surely only net small juvenile sentences, allowing the children to return home to plot the next assault on American values and statues.

With all of this in mind, the threat is very real, and a critical decision must be made. The choice is either to dismantle the Boy Scouts, by seizing their bank accounts and massive landholdings, vital for training and supporting a terrorist organization. Or to do a Machiavellian about face, and incorporate the Boy Scouts into the fledging TIPS program.

Small changes to the Scouts is all that is required to convert it into a fierce and lethal weapon against Terror.
The many badges for "music" and "sewing" could be scrapped for "Small Arms Tactics", "Crusading", "Knife Fighting", "Middle Eastern Languages" and "Sniping to Maim". Weekly reconnaissance missions into the deep woods would help in detecting and annihilating terrorist installations. I'm sure the terrorist camp in Oregon would never of formed if there were 100 Boy Scouts roaming the wilderness looking for Arabs every weekend. At home, the Scouts could be trained in monitoring the conversations of their parents, and reporting on anti-patriotic behavior. Rewards for good service would be inexpensive, ranging from candy, to pornographic magazines, to Girl Guide camp passes.

I think the answer is obvious, we must seize this great opportunity, before the current Boy Scouts of America, full of discontented young men, prone to the advances of Islam and Anti-American rhetoric, become full blown terrorists, and inevitably doom us all.

You misunderstand Eminem's lyrics. He's basically telling us that he covets not the female genitalia, but rather the male genitalia. It's a cry for help. He wants us to know that he, like 70.1% of all American males, is gay.

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