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Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still hadn't, like, paid for them. OMG! Hellloooo,............ Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm, like, automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year. Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

· I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?

· Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had hisblinker on the whole time.

· The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the storm that's coming.

· Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!

· If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all this, "How did you get into my house," business!

· On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week;whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. ...This is upsetting news to me............ I had no idea I was Japanese.

· I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

· I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

· What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?

> A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.> The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.> > They were even after the first few holes.> The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five dollars a hole?"> The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.> > The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.> As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00,> and he confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.> > The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.> The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.> The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.

You keep your winnings."> > The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"> The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation...

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meets the Mullah for counseling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave.The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?""Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"What about different positions?" asks the man."No problem," says the Mullah. "Woman on top?" "Sure," says the Mullah, "Go for it!" "Doggy style?" "Sure!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"You may indeed!""Can we do it standing up"No." says the Mullah.""Why not?" asks the man.

------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -------- Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says"You know what I want, don't you?" "Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!" ------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------- Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common? A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one! ---------- -------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- - Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap! ------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ----------Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!" ------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off. He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?" Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!" ----------- --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. "Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!" ---------- --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy says "What's his name?" Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

She's beautiful and she lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprisedwhen she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, andI have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, andhave fun tonight. Are you doing anything?"I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!""Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"