About Me

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Compliments of the season

There is an art to both doling out
praise and receiving it

Last night I met some old friends for
dinner. It had been a long day and I really couldn’t be bothered to dress up.
And besides, with old friends you don’t need to, do you? So, I pulled out an
old black Anokhi kurta (my go-to outfit for all I-can’t-really-be-bothered
occasions), now almost grey through over-use, pulled on a pair of jeans and
headed out.

So, imagine my surprise when the nice
English lady at the next table leaned over and said, “I love what you’re
wearing.”

“Oh, this old thing,” I replied, startled
into candour. “I’ve had it so long, it’s practically falling apart.”

She started to laugh. I looked rather
taken aback (as indeed, I was). At my enquiring gaze, she replied, still
chuckling, “I just can’t get over how English that response is. That’s exactly
what we’d say back home if someone praised an outfit. ‘Oh, this old thing’.”

I smiled weakly and turned back to my
pasta primavera. It was too complicated to explain that this really was an ‘old
thing’. That I had had it for years and worn it to near-death. And besides,
explaining would look as if I was ‘protesting too much’ (also a very ‘English
response’, no doubt). So, it was probably for the best to smile and move on.

But that little exchange got me thinking.
What is the right way to receive a compliment? Getting all self-deprecatory and
going “Oh, this old thing”? Or being gracious and responding with a heartfelt,
“Thanks so much”?

I have to say that my instinctive
responses fall into the first category. If someone tells me that I look as if
I’ve lost weight, I protest wildly that I weighed myself just this morning and
that is Simply Not True. If a dish I have made elicits some praise, I hasten to
assure everyone that “Really, I’m not much of a cook”. If anyone says they
enjoy reading my column, I smile weakly and mutter, “Oh, you are far too kind!”

And yes, if someone compliments me on
what I’m wearing, I rarely ever respond with a simple ‘thank you’. Instead, I
rush in with a veritable flurry of idiotic comebacks. “Oh, I got this from
Marks and Spencer. Such good value!” “Oh yes, this works well in the summer.”
“But I love what YOU are wearing!” Or the ever-reliable standby: “This old
thing. I’ve had it for years.”

None of this, now that I think about it,
is the right response to someone who is giving you a compliment. The graceful
thing would be to acknowledge the praise, say ‘Thank you so much’ and move on.
Instead, I end up either embarrassing the other person into thinking he/she has
committed some sort of social solecism (‘How dare you say I am looking thinner?
I know you are just making this stuff up because you think it will make me feel
good”) or indicating that I don’t really value their judgement (“Can’t you
recognize a tattered old kurta when you see one?”). Or worse, I act as if receiving
a compliment implies a duty to reciprocate in kind (“Your earrings looks
amazing”) which only makes me come off as an insincere sod.

In retrospect, as I re-examine those
encounters, I probably ended up seeming prickly, defensive, insecure and yes, insincere,
to all those who took the trouble to compliment me. And to them (you know who
you are, all three of you!) I offer my sincere apologies and the promise to do
better next time. In fact, I am going to practice my ‘thank yous’ in front of
the mirror every night before going to bed.

There’s just one exception: those who seem
to be paying you a compliment but manage to slip in an insult in the subtext.
You know the kind I mean, don’t you? “Wow, you are looking so amazing. You
really are good at make-up, aren’t you?” “Your daughter is so pretty. Good
thing she takes after your mother-in-law.” “What great food at the dinner last
night. You really must give me the number of your caterer.” Or even that old
stand-by, “You look so much thinner! Have you been dieting?” guaranteed to make
the other person wonder just how fat he/she looked before.

Of course, if you put these people – who
specialize in putting a sting in the tail – to the test, they would protest
that they were completely sincere in their praise. And that you really should
not be so ‘sensitive’ or ‘quick to take offence’. But anyone who has been at
the receiving end of their loaded ‘compliments’ knows better.

See, just as there is an art to receiving
a compliment, there is also an art to giving one. And if you want a simple,
heartfelt ‘thank you’ then you should desist from lacing your compliments with
even the merest suspicion of malice.

So, how about you try this. Tell a woman
she looks amazing, but desist from adding ‘for your age’. Compliment a man on
his leather jacket; don’t add that he is ‘very brave’ to wear that. If you are
praising the food someone served at dinner, don’t imply that it was anything
other than the handiwork of the hostess/host. And don’t, for God’s sake,
mention the mother-in-law!