Dear mom,You know I love you. I'm glad you do, because I often wonder if my family knows that I love them. You told me that you didn't want me to suffer emotionally because of my interpretation of my brother's actions and words. However, if I still have any sense that this is my brother, I could not prevent my emotional suffering. So you asking me to treat him as my brother then asking me not to get mad is an impossible feat.

To TR:

You suck ass. I'm angry at you. You may not realize this, but you are hurtful, ungrateful, and really heartless. Your self-centeredness has only increased since we grew up together. I pray for divine intervention and retribution on you.

To Al:

Dear Al,I think I am justified to wonder what our relationship means to you. Sometimes I pour my heart into things I say or do for you and I feel like you are throwing mud in my face. And I know that saying something like that to you will make you defensive again. Though I'm not sure what's there to be defensive over. It is very hard to support you because you are unclear about what you want from me in the moment despite my asking. I get that you are suffering like you have never suffered with regards to the obstacles that you've faced surrounding your relationship with CK. It sucks, and it's life. Admittedly, I get emotionally triggered by any whining, whether it's from you or from Adrian. Even my own whining triggers me. It's the idea of people blaming others exclusively and never looking in to see what they can be doing better. Perhaps it's wrong of me to ask for you to be more self-reflective, but I will say that it is hard not to feel unsafe around you (i.e., unable to care without reservations). Perhaps that's how you feel towards our interactions because of my tendency to use strong words or to nag incessantly at you. Or perhaps you are shifting some of the frustrations you feel towards mom and TR over to me, because you can, because you're unaware, because it feels like I'm part of "them". I don't know. There's no way to know for sure. But I see that you try hard to be the best of you. You say things like "I will think it over" and you have no idea how much you are giving to me in moments like that or how grateful I am that the kindness and wisdom I have always believed lived in you is actually there. There are times during our conversations that I have come to doubt that. And that troubles me to no end. sigh~~

I would rather clean house, of course, and I put things off to their absolute last minute. My anxiety climbs exponentially as I sit down to face the big D.

I know not to overthink it but I'm worried. I'm nervous. I'm really scared.

And of course, as we set off on a journey, related obstacles start showing up. I have anxiety so more anxiety-provoking things come up. I have annoyance so more annoying and anger-provoking things come up.

Writing becomes warped exercises. No longer in the topic of interest, but in everything distracting. Thus, the goal of my livejournal entries will be a sort of compartmentalization to separate those relevant and irrelevant to my dissertation.

Here's a rudimentary list of things that gnaw away at my focus:- Messy, crowded house of hoarders- Messy, chaotic house of a toddler- A toddler (almost 4 y.o.)- Family of origin issues (ingratitude, self-centeredness, cruelty, etc.)- An anxious husband (laid off, working on startup company)- Part-time project coordination job- Attempt to get all the requirements done to become a PCIT Trainer- Preparation to move to TW and figuring out all the difficult questions (e.g., what will my livelihood be, what will my practice look like, can I practice, what are the licensure requirements, can I get postdoc training overseas, etc.)- Taking care of the usual family/friends niceties

2012.09.17 22.44

Triage. The process of determining the priority of patients' treatments based on the severity of their condition. To separate, to sift, to select.

Taking a dump in public has its risk...but if we don't do it, we end up with shit in our pants.

@_@

so I feel completely overwhelmed with thoughts of being a failure. even writing it out is painful for me. as if it makes it real...REALER than real. I am slow and I am dumb. everything takes too long and nothing gets done. I take on too much. NOTHING IS DONE. I manage? no...I struggle. like I'm drowning. not ever feeling calm ever again because I'm so irritated. so mad with myself. so annoyed at everyone else. my lack of grace and gratefulness is only due to my overwhelming FAILURE to be on top of things. And that is all. Here's the gist of my dump

Mood: aggravated

2011.06.14 13.56

I've been having dreams...

for some reason i'm just feeling frustrated...this could very well be due to phibu being frustrated...I don't know why he is frustrated other than perhaps having to take care of me and then of his parents one after another and with his graduation, he has transitioned into the job-finding phase, which is probably annoying to him. Changes are unwelcomed until the fruits of labor bloom.

I have trouble writing. And that's because I try to avoid the pain...but it has to be done tomorrow. So I can help myself by completing more today and procrastinating less.

what does my avoidance behavior serve to do for me? I think for now, it is simply to avoid the difficulty of the task.

A wealth of restlessness invades the tiny corners of my mind. There is no quiet, no focus, no way to concentrate on what is. All I can think about is the emptiness that I'm trying to escape. If I'm fulfilled, why do I find myself unable to face what's before me. I refuse to have my feet on the ground. It doesn't feel right. Yet, I know that crossing my legs will eventually hurt my back. No matter. When I get this way, I binge on food, on drinks, on manga, on anime. It's the tactic I use to flip me around. I have to get much much worse before I can get better. I have to run away till the last minute before I can face what I need to do.

Yes, the never-ending list of things to do, the shoulder and neck and back pain that cling onto me like a lonely and abused pet, the craving for flesh over and over again. What I thought would satisfy me felt plain and ephemeral. I'm sick of running away. Even though it gave me the comfort I felt I needed. In fact, if I stopped, a great distress might occur. A prime example of "good pain". Ironical, is it?

It's simple. I have twisted logic. Ingrained in my synapses by way of habit and biology is the wrong schema about life, work, and happiness. I was wrong to begin with. There is the need for change in chemistry, beginning from a change in behavior. I need mindfulness training. Perhaps a schedule will help.

This has been quite a wasteful month. Excuses piled mountain high upon the grievance of losing loved ones. Again, thee has been no advanced knowledge of how it might have felt. Perhaps I'm lacking in the ability to form predictions around emotions. I even find it hard to review here. The furry bundles of joy were introduced into my life without much choice on my part. I benefited from their presence. They accompanied me beyond my lack of direction and purpose. That was happiness & contentment.

emotions run high today. I seem to work myself up and then find it hard to calm myself down. In many instances today...it took external intervention to siphon the gritty negativity clouding my consciousness out. For example, I was still angry at the whole Ralph's circus act until I saw a butch looking dog walking in a fluid and macho manner. Literally. It was hilarious, especially since I was viewing this from its back. It looked every bit like a steroid-filled narcissistic. And I was sure its looks were completely natural. The dog made me laugh for a whole minute =).

But then...I am a bad person, for reasons I won't disclose here, and I am not proud of myself. Yet, I continue to do these wrong doings. I also blame others chronically for my troubles. @_@

Have you ever wondered about the measures that most successful business men and women have taken to gain the success they enjoy? There may not be a set formula, but those who have tasted such success would agree there are certain strategies that can have a dramatic effect on how well a business functions. We reveal seven secrets that could transform your business today:

1. The importance of networkingMany entrepreneurs will devote time to finding and cultivating relationships with key peers, mentors and advisers. These relationships are important for fueling future business and supporting the business with crucial needs. Make the effort to network with people who can help your business become better. Websites like Meeting Wave are being used by more and more companies as a means of business networking.

2. Be 100% customer focusedFirst identify your customers’ needs and wants. What can your business do to make their lives better? Then be committed to delivering the best customer service possible. Master these two things and you will help form a loyal customer base on which to grow your business.

3. Know your weaknesses and strengthsEvaluate what your business strengths and weaknesses are. Don’t place the majority of your efforts into resolving your weaknesses. Instead, focus on your strengths and help your company become one that excels in these areas. Mastery will gain attention from potential and existing customers.

4. Be adaptableNothing is ever certain, especially in the business world. As the world changes, so do people and their needs. Make your company one that is able to change and adapt according to these needs. Be willing to do things differently or offer different services if you see the need arise.

5. Keep looking for better waysHigh productivity is a key function of successful businesses. Evaluate the way your business works and always look for ways to improve productivity. Examples of methods used to achieve this are technology, automation, outsourcing and improving business processes.

6. Balance your business lifestyleIt’s easy to become totally consumed with your business. Many successful entrepreneurs agree it’s important to maintain a healthy balance between business and personal pursuits. Plan your time well and you will develop a business life that is more enjoyable.

7. See failures and problems as opportunitiesWhen you come up against a difficulty or failure in your business, turn it into an opportunity for growth. Problems are a regular part of business life but how you deal with them could be the difference between true failure and success.If you enjoyed this article, please feel free to post it to your site or blog and forward this link to your friends. Have a great day!

I've developed two pimples...one on each butt cheek. Dark circles are haunting the underside of my eyes. And I feel tired...all the time. My neck is heavy, my head mildly painful, my shoulders are tense, and somewhere in my upper back right behind my chest, there is a feeling both disgusting and burdensome. Something is going wrong with my body, or my mind.

Why is there always one problem or another?

Perhaps I should think about what AiH suggested. Yoga in the midst of this terrible fatigue. Doesn't sound like it will help, but perhaps I should try.

The older I grow, the more I realize how incredibly incompetent I am. Not only am I unable to deal with my emotions properly, I am also totally inapt with people behaving outside my realm of understanding...If chibi is also right on this, then perhaps I am unwilling to understand/accept. My intense rationality fails me when it comes to sticky and unexplained emotions.

I'm itching to write...Ah, but it's lunch time and I have to shower and study and go out...damn...

time flies sometimes.

I have restarted writing on my cutevoice blog. Inevitable, since my itch for writing combined with an insurmountable lust for unaffordable things sometimes necessitates such catharsis. Somehow, sharing what I can't have but LOVE to have is very liberating.

In any case, I really should be making better use of my time, but I struggle. After all, I have never been the kind to be able to juggle housework properly with rhetoric matters. Anyway...later...I will figure it out eventually...

Just finished Revolutionary Road on my bed and under my covers. It was a powerful show fueled with extremely believable acting. I generally hate Leonardo's guts, but I will have to take my hat off to him for this one. And of course, Kate Winslet truly delivered the story, balancing the many dimensions of her character in little details like an almost-meaningful pause, the raw depth of the look in her eyes, and even the breath that she took...

It was a strange journey that gave birth to more questions than answers (as it usually happens in most good journeys). What does being alive mean to each individual? What's the deeper reason for doing the things we do? What is love? What does it mean to be judged by society or the norm? How important is happiness? And what are we willing to give up to get it?

It's true that not everyone strives to answer these questions. Many will be content with passing each day with their efforts simply not to screw up. Good for them as they are happy with what they sow. And then there is the group of people I belong in whereby these questions are approached intellectually and never answered with the entire being. I speak from experience when I say that this second group of people will forever feel like they are trapped in an endless loop spiraling towards something meaningful but never meeting it.

With every gain, there is a risk involved. Often, the bigger the risk, the bigger the possible gain. When one devotes one's being, the entire body and the entire mind into the attempt of searching for meaning and answers, and when one risks some element of what one perceives to have, that is, sanity, stability, safety, comfort, and so on, then, there is life. One becomes alive.

Because people hurt people and life is generally such a bitch. I struggle with resentment and grief. Add that to long-time feelings of worthlessness and not having a direction, and all there is left is an unsightly being housed in my body.

To speak cordially to the object of my resentment creates quite a bit of dissonance. Perhaps it's best to let it pass this way. All I want is to be by phil's side again soon. Beside him, I would be able to heal properly. Not a bandaid, but an elixir that adds life points. Phibu deserves the best for being so wonderful.

There was nothing to say the day she leftJust filled a suitcase full of regretsI hailed a taxi in the rainLooking for some place to ease the painThen like an answered prayerI turned around and found you there

**You really know where to startFixing a broken heartYou really know what to doYour emotional tools can cure any foolWhose dreams have fallen apartFixing a broken heart

And now I don't understandWhat I'm going throughThere must be a plan that led me to youBecause the hurt just disappearsIn every moment that you are nearJust like an answered prayerYou make the loneliness easy to bear

** repeat

Soon the rain will stop falling, babyAnd I'll forget the past'Cause here we are at last** repeat

Those whom I love...insidiously invade my soul...gently overtake my being...cruelly leaving only bits and pieces that torture me in their absences. Those whom I love do not stay with me forever. As with all things in life, movement defines each moment. Whether it be knownst or remains obscure, evolution leaps, bringing forth cyclical storms and unfathomable progeny. Our hearts wither and grow. Those whom we love are separate and blind to our deterministic plight. How may matters fare? Which pestilent questions attack the bed-ridden cells filled with inflamation? What shields are able to withstand the aggression of battle?

Instead of ibuprofen, a weak analgesic was sent to fight the fight. Inflamation continues its rage. Incorrigibly, a broken bag leaked, containing the garbage that humans emote. It was a fire that turned everything against everything. Chaos engulfed, pawns, melted into arable ground. In their place, a dessert grew. A small seed blossomed into bled rivers. Literary wisdom fashioned after these aqua bodies evaporated in mediation. But nothing survived. The bleak became murky, the murky became Greek. Life is but a foreign language that no one was clued in on.

- written on the night the war was suddenly lost...perhaps voluntarily, very painfully -

If I have to isolate one recurring theme in my life, it would be that of balance. My tendency to see things in shades of black and white precludes all my beliefs about life and the morality that guides it. Indeed, it has colored the expectations I have of myself and of others.

I feel frustrated...

My mind knows there is nothing to be frustrated about, but the body feels. The soul spins in turmoil. For nothing at all, there is a lot of fuss.

I can't quite figure it out yet, but I think complaining is an annoying thing and possibly bad.

In what way, you ask?...

Well, see, I complain a lot to phil too...never realizing what I am starting to realize now. I've always thought that complaining was harmless and a form of healthy catharsis. (Damn Freud for trying to make all emotional verbiage a positive therapeutic process). However, I felt impatient towards people who felt the need to complain endlessly about their situation. This is related to the feeling of "burnout" that crisis center volunteers feel when they allow regular callers to continue rehashing topics that may be emotionally troubling but are at this point solution-less. Most of the time, I managed to hold back my impatience and provide minimal emotional diffusing by reflecting and empathizing with what the other party is complaining about. And of course, it depends on who I am talking to. I am harsher on my brothers than I am on my friends, for example. In the end, I realize that I get exceptionally mad with the other party when they vent without being cognizant of what they are doing.

For example, most people would complain about situations as an automatic reaction. I have a system in my mind of how much of this is acceptable according to my relationship with that person. If you are my other half, you should be able to do that and I should be able to accept it and deal with it promptly. If you are family, it is fine if the automatic reaction wasn't a protracted one, but if it is long, there has to be a moderate level of awareness and responsibility. That is, you should be aware that you are using me as a sounding board and eventually take the responsibility of solving your own problems either with things you've thought of yourself or with my suggestions or neither. If you are a friend, you may complain about frivolous things anytime, I wouldn't put too much effort into responding to those. But if you went on to complain about every trigger along the way that plunge you into emotional turmoil, I ask that you understand the effect you have on me, the listener. I may be glad to help, but there is a limit. Think carefully about what you wish to get from me, or I may be forced to ask "how may I help you" eventually. In other word, I am not a reporting station or a 24-hr one-man crisis line that you can sound-off all the tumultuous happenings in your life.

Perhaps this shows years of burnout from my work and my life, but I honestly think there is a huge part of my impatience that comes from my expectation that people take responsibility of what they do, say, think, experience, feel, choose, etc. A lot of times, complaining diffuses the responsibility (I see that in my own complaints too), and we escape from having to face something difficult. You may do it once, maybe twice, but it is not a long-term solution that results in positive change. I thank those people who complained to me and triggered my impatience because now I am starting to realize the bad points of complaining, which I had thought was entirely harmless before.

Anyway, articulating my system of allowance for complaints also brings forth more questions about altruism and whether it only appears in short spurts and isolated incidents as opposed to long-term altruistic giving.

There are still tons I do not understand about this world, and all I am learning now is the polishing of my self (reduction of my weaknesses, enhancement of my strengths), and the greater acceptance of others. I still want to be useful to others, but it seems that I have become picky with what I want to give.

These are times that will trigger the most tremulous parts of your being and push you to the edge of the cliff for choices.

o, my timorous heart...move forward bravely as you've attempted to in the past. Move forward one step at a time and do not worry about failing because you are already moving the best that you can...MOVE. SING. FLY. I command you to. Despite feeling the tremors, you shall brave on.