Friday, 3 April 2015

Arthur Askey: The days of mobility

Ferret on a skateboard

As my gentle reader will recall, Arthur had become incapacitated due to an unerring series of freak and increasingly bizarre accidents. As 'Big hearted' Arthur lay on his hospital bed waiting to be wheeled to undergo an operation, which if successful, would restore mobility to his vastly truncated torso, he contemplated the vicissitudes and inherent futility of life. ARSE.

The operation was to be performed by internationally renowned surgeon, Dr Ebola Mugumbo. By nailing Arthur to a motorised skateboard it was hoped Arthur would retrieve/receive some semblance of mobility. As Arthur was paralysed from the nose down, the only way he would be able to control his electronic chariot would be through the medium of bodily excretions, of which Arthur, was imbued in profusion.

Later, much later........

"Well Arthur the operation was a complete success. I managed to secure you to the skateboard by hammering 6 inch titanium nails through your pelvis. Soon you will be able to mix and frolic with your 'play mates'. 'I thank you'."

"Thankyou, Dr Mugumbo (for it is he), I can't thank you enough. How can I ever repay you for this new lease on life?"

"That will be 100,000 guineas."

Next day Arthur was eager to try out his new contraption. He quickly surmised that by allowing a single drop of urine alight, from his prosthetic penis, into the cunningly fashioned solenoid he could propel the skate board with aplomb. The simple expedient of allowing two drops to impinge would cause the board to come to a shuddering, but satisfying stop.

So far, so good. Arthur spent the rest of the day exploring the neighbourhood on his newly acquired/wired mobile platform. Other secretions came into play. Arthur experimented with subtle blends and quickly became adept at controlling his mechanical conveyance. After a particularly long and dehydrating jaunt, Arthur thought it prudent to rest. Unbeknownst to Arthur he had gained the attention of the local stray dog. Sadly, Arthur and board became the centre of the dog's amorous intentions. But before the inevitable release he punctuated foreplay with a golden stream of urine. Twelve drops cascaded on the solenoid causing the board to explode in a frenzy of perambulation. The board quickly gathered speed and Arthur's frenzied muscular contractions failed to elicit a counter flow. Within seconds he was speeding at 100mph and headed toward an oncoming omnibus.......

Will Arthur be able to summon up the three drops of effusion necessary to effect a tight swerve to the right? Could this be the end for Arthur and consequently the demise of my cunningly fashioned series on Arthur 'No Arse' Askey? Fear not, gentle reader your suspense will soon be assuaged. Stay online, for the next and