Why Canandaigua needs a Batman

Well, it doesn’t have to be Batman, per se, but some sort of Canandaigua caped crusader would be nice. A Darkwing Duck type hero would also be acceptable.

Having said that, this area does have plenty of heroic people. I found that out last summer during a treacherous stretch where I covered a large number of accidents (car crashes, farm accidents, etc.). At nearly every scene, there was a citizen who stepped up, helped out, and assisted to divert disaster. I ended up writing one of my favorite pieces on these everyday heroes. Ironically, the article’s title contradicts this post: “No need for a cape.”

In the award-submitted article, one of my local heroes just happened to be a postal worker. I’m pointing this out because I think this would be a solid profession for the secret identity of our Ontario County Batman. Also acceptable identity professions: Journalist, IT person, ballerina, garbage collector, cashier at Wegmans, rich person. Basically, any profession that can gather information on others, keep someone in top physical shape or allow them to buy a submarine, is ideal.

Police and firefighters would work too, especially since most of those guys are already heroes.

The Costumes

There are a ton of options for costume/hero name. If you’re thinking about potentially becoming a vigilante symbol of justice, here is a short breakdown of options:

Dragon
Pros: Something criminals would fear. Can build a flame-thrower into a helmet and spit fire at enemies. Again, FLAME-THROWER HELMET!

Cons: You could, and almost certainly would, badly burn your face.

Bald Eagle
Pros: Super patriotic. Can fly. A respected animal = a respected hero. Can wear an American flag bandana. Can wear American flag kevlar. Can wear American flag kevlar underwear. Weaponry shaped like talons.

Cons: May accidentally be called Birdman, which is not as cool, and is also already taken. Beaks aren’t cool. Neither are feathers.

Unicorn
Pros: Majestic. Horn could be used for impaling enemies.

Cons: Horn could accidentally impale friends. Would have to constantly be galloping. Might be called Cornman or Cornwoman.

Tapeworm
Pros: Unique, something anyone would fear. Could be the basis for an awesome theme song. Never hungry.

Cons: You would dress like a tapeworm. Freeloading parasites aren’t usually considered heroes. Your name sounds more like a supervillain moniker. Again, your costume would look like a tapeworm.

Frill shark
Pros: With Canandaigua Lake near by, an aquatic theme would be appropriate. This creature would frighten the Loch Ness monster. Could play some fun pranks to people swimming in restricted areas of the lake. COULD HAVE A SECRET LAIR ON SQUAW ISLAND (that counts as two pros, three if you can convince one of the mermaids there to be your sidekick).

Cons: This is what a frill shark looks like. Fins aren’t tough. Frill is not a heroic word. Sharks don’t seem like heroes. You would be a monster. Too scary.

Porcupine
Pros: Protective spikes jutting out from your back. Can prick villains with quills of justice.

Cons: Will never be able to sit down without stabbing yourself. Ability to prick villains could be used against you when you’re referred to as Prickman or Prickwoman (or that name, minus the man and woman part).

Reasons I want a Batman figure in Canandaigua

— It would be extremely fun to write about. Covering this story would be incredible. It would certainly help boost our readership, and investigating this would be like nothing else I’ve worked on. A series on investigative pieces trying to reveal the identity of the hero would no doubt win me accolades, and allow me to showoff my inner gumshoe. It’d be fun to blog about (obviously). Editorials could debate if this mysterious figure is good for Canandaigua or a menace, or a combination of both. Also, I’d probably get to cover a high-speed chase every other week.

— Would help my writing career. I could turn these stories into a book. Then a screenplay. This success would open the door for my newsroom sitcom (maybe even earn its own story arc).

— Tourist attraction. A real-life hero would draw people from all over the globe. Merchandise, like action figures, superhero-shaped pancakes, T-shits, coffee mugs and more, could be sold.

— It would make capes an acceptable, and cool, fashion accessory. Yeah, I want to wear a cape to work. You’re lying if you say you don’t want to. Capes are awesome. Fact.

— Minor league theory. Heroes like Batman and Darkwing Duck can’t just start off in large cities. They need some practice before going to the major leagues.

Eventually, the masked hero could move on to Rochester (and stop things like this from happening), then move to a bigger playground, like Gotham (and challenge Bane to thumb wrestle to the death, like a true hero).

And if a hero (possibly named the Squaw Island Avenger) does happen to pop up in Canandaigua — often leaping from tall building to tall building — just know, that it is definitely not me...

BONUS FEATURE
A rant about Man of Steel
Obligatory warning: Minor spoilers included for the newest Superman film.

While the film was already long (the last action sequence was like watching a kid play with action figures and Lego buildings for three hours), I would have liked to have seen a few hours of Clark Kent going to j-school, or freelancing for years before being hired by one of the biggest newspapers in the world.

Also, I was incredibly envious of Lois Lane — an apparent Pulitzer winner. The budget for sending her across the globe seems to be incredibly high (She probably gets the full, standard mileage rate of 55 cents per mile too. What a jerk.) Louis can go weeks without filing any stories or pictures (taken with her Nikon camera), then just straight-up lie to her bosses. She’s also given full access by the government, and they ask her opinion on matters involving a potential alien discovery (What?!).

Finally, there is no way Clark and Lois (Writer's note: my original post said Louis — that's actually Lois' evil twin #fact #CopyEditorsAreMySuperheroes) would be able to fairly cover the biggest story, well, ever, without bias. (The story is, of course, the deaths of millions of people in Smallville and Metropolis via alien superbeings.) The destruction of Metropolis would presumably cause the Daily Planet to have to temporarily relocate as well, and it would definitely leave the city inhabitable for months due to the debris and smoke in the air.

Anyway, I did like this movie (loved the first three quarters, hated the last part). Hopefully the film adaptation of the Canandaigua hero can nail the ending.