Thursday, August 20, 2009

Top Chef Season 6, Episode 1: A Love Letter to Michael Voltaggio

Even though I suspect that the playful rack of lamb dish you made in last night’s Elimination Challenge might be indicative that you enjoy the company of many ladies and I have no shot at winning your heart, I still yearn for your presence in my life (or more accurately, on my TV). Not only because I live by my stomach and know that I would eat well if you were in my kitchen, but also because you are very attractive and I enjoy looking at pretty things.

While I realize that our mutual love may not be meant to be (a mug like yours belongs next to a mug far fairer than mine), I am the reasonable sort (sometimes) and still only want the best for you.

In other words, I want you to beat all those other Season 6 "Top Chef" contestants, including your brother Bryan. (No offense to Bryan -- he does seem quite lovely, but he doesn't have any tattoos.)

Let’s begin the blood bath with Jennifer Carroll, the self-proclaimed “bitch in the kitchen,” whose vice is doing stupid things when she drinks lots of different types of alcohol. I know she works with Eric Ripert and has made men cry and looks like Amy Winehouse when shucking clams, but that “I want to win everything” nonsense is already wearing on me.

Then let’s move on to Mattin, the moderately cute French guy who I think is only there because he has an accent and everyone misses Fabio. Is that why the relay race challenge included clams? Were the producers hoping it might spur Mattin to go off on a rant about serving monkey asses in clam shells? Either way, he needs to pack his berets and go.

From there, I’d like you to make some mince meat pies out of Eli and Mike Isabella. While I did enjoy Eli’s “Bacon” shirt and his proclamation that he cooks because he likes to eat (I do too), I’m not really sure I trust his beady eyes. That self-described “fat kid” has got some passion in there that could be dangerous in later rounds. He and Mike, who seems to be the kindler, gentler male version of Jennifer (she haunted my dreams last night), need to be schooled sooner rather than later. Especially Mike because he tried to knock Pretti over in Whole Foods. Not cool, Mike, not cool.

I’d also really appreciate it if you could ex-nay Hector before he starts talking about his cajones again. The only balls I want to hear about in the kitchen are the edible kind – meatballs, risotto balls and maybe Sno-balls if it's for a vending machine challenge.

I’ll let you hold off on Ron Duprat, the Haitian guy who talks kind of slow, but only because he reminds me of a teddy bear and I have a guilt complex about preying on defenseless creatures with sob stories. Also, I’m not repulsed by Kevin Gillespie even though he has a crazy red beard, so you can let him be for now too. Plus, it was like majorly exciting when he beat Jennifer and Mike in the Elimination Challenge, because they both sooo thought they were going to win. I also hear that red heads feel pain more acutely than us fairer and darker follicled folks, so go easy on him for now. I know you’ll still come out ahead in the end.

As for the others – ie. the ones Wolfgang described as “turkeys,” don’t let your pretty head fret for a minor minute about them. Bravo always casts a few of those contestants like Eve from Michigan that make the audience wonder, “Why are they here?” It’s for contrast. Gotta have the head-scratchers to make the winners seem more, well, winning. They’ll be gone soon enough. Until that day comes, just be glad that they allow you to look all the more becoming in the GM kitchen lighting.

2) Jennifer scares me a little bit too, but I hopes she smokes the shiz out of Mike, because he is a pathetic chauvinist moron. I counted no less than 3 women-hatin' comments from him in the first half hour of the show (including when he was shocked that a woman shucked clams faster than him, and when he called Robin "one less old lady I have to worry about"). BLECH. I can't wait for Jennifer to make him cry sad little boy tears.

Well articulated review Diana. Having been several times to Eve's restaurant here in Ann Arbor though, I'm hoping she's been underestimated. She doesn't seem to appear in any of the future promo's. Given Bravo's history, that means she either makes it farther than anyone expects, or she gets kicked off next week. I'm rooting for the former! I am excited for this season's twists and turns, but having just wrapped up watching Top Chef Masters, I hope they focus a little more this season on the food and less on the drama.

Pam – Oh my gosh, don’t even get me started on Sam! I cried small tears when he got married. I’d be completely fine if he wanted to talk about his cajones a la Hector…

Lisa – I did feel sorry for Eve. I can only imagine how stressful it must be for them to come into that type of situation. Hopefully she does save some face in coming eps. Ariane certainly came around in Season 5!

I think now is a good time to let people know before they go any further that Michael Voltaggio is married and has two beautiful daughters...Comments such as Diana Takes A Bite can be very hurtful to his children and wife. By the way his wife is prettier than Penelope Cruise!!

thank you sarabeth! This poor girl has probably already braved the world outside her television set to find her own man,and found that didn't work well for her, or is so trashy she doesn't care about the fact he will be returning home to Kari and the girls. bravo to you!

thank you sarahbeth! It's about time someone spoke up to the trash in the world that is so desperate for a vitua-crush, they can't leave their tv's long enough to find a man of their own, or maybe she's tried and a tv persona is the best she can do? best of luck to you, Kari and girls!

Are you guys kidding? All she said was that she had a crush on Michael Voltaggio because he's cute. Your personal attacks are bizarre and unwarranted. You've never had a crush on someone you saw on tv? Never thought that George Clooney was hot? Give me a break. No one is trying to wreck any homes here, for God's sake.

About Me

Maybe it was during my trip to NYC in July, 2006 when my older brother took me on a culinary tour of the city. Or maybe it was when I discovered that steak tastes better when not charred black. Or maybe it was present all along -- just waiting for the right moment to spring forth.
Some may call it obsession, others might call it gluttony, but I call it passion. My name is Diana, and I love food.