The ups and downs of life are a constant. The challenge I find for people is the ability to experience the joys of life after being confronted with the myriad of loss that life brings. Below are some suggested approaches to finding Joy after Loss. The suggestions range from expressing one’s feelings to working towards perspective. All of these suggestions require an inner strength and resolve to integrate the loss into the fabric of one’s life and one’s story and are instant means of success.

How to Get Back Your Joy After Loss

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” – Jalaluddin Rumi

My belief is that you invest joy in yourself. No one can take it with them when they leave.

When you live in joy, finding appreciation in the seemingly trivial things in life, the quiet moments you share with others, in your accomplishments, pursuing your dreams, making full use of your talents and abilities, you grow your self-confidence, boost your self-esteem, and realize that you are whole and complete as you are.

This is joy and vibrancy in living.

But what do you do when you’ve already invested heavily in finding joy with someone other than yourself and they leave, either through death, fractured relationship, marital breakup, or separated by time and distance? Are you destined to remain bereft, lost, depressed, without purpose forever? What can you do to alleviate these powerful emotions and get back in resonance with yourself?

First, find someone you can talk honestly with about your feelings

This may be a loved one, a close friend, a spiritual advisor, a counselor or therapist. If you are seriously depressed after the joy source of your life leaves, professional counseling with a psychologist or psychotherapist may be the wisest initial choice.

What you’ll learn rather quickly is that you are not alone in these types of feelings. Being lost, without direction, lacking the desire or ability to smile and be present in the moment is a painful experience that many people have dealt with. I’ve lost both biological parents to death, along with a stepfather, a sibling, two aunts and four grandparents.

While each person experiences grief and loss differently, they must go through the various stages of grieving to move on. Sometimes they can’t do it on their own. Unresolved grief or protracted grief requires professional help. When in the depths of sadness and grief over loss it can seem impossible that joy can ever return. It can, although it will require time.

Second, be grateful for all the things that you have

This includes your health, a home, a job or career you find satisfying, good friends, money in the bank, the ability to travel, hobbies or recreational pursuits you enjoy. Besides being the things that most people would consider among the sources of success, they’re also hallmarks of a joyful and productive life. While you may be in the throes of some emotional pain and loss now, expressing your gratitude for the good things you have in life will help center you and firm up your foundation.

Third, start making plans

What do you most enjoy doing? Make a plan that includes that activity. Do you have a desire to travel? Start mapping out destinations and gathering information on the area. Is there a skill, hobby or recreational activity you want to learn? Are you interested in going back to finish a degree or obtain an additional one?

Telling yourself that you don’t have time, money, ability or anyone to do activities with is only an excuse to continue allowing your life to be joyless and unproductive. The only way you experience anything memorable and rewarding is to take proactive steps. Figure out what it is you want to do or explore or tackle, and make plans you can follow to achieve the outcome you desire. There’s a lot of joy inherent in being involved in pursuits and activities that help fulfill your life.

Fourth, get out there

Holing up at home won’t do anything to lift your mood. You need to be with people, even though that may be the last thing you want to do when you’re feeling depressed or anxious, attempting to get over a breakup, or suffering other emotional, financial, physical or social loss.

The fact is that when you’re with others, you are less likely to be consumed with sadness and negative thoughts. Overcoming this deficit requires that you get out there and willingly interact with others. Not only will this help you to partially fill the void, it also returns a measure of control to your life. Instead of always reacting, you are being proactive.

Turning a page on a year includes multiple lists looking back at the best of. One interesting list I saw was the 4 Greatest Psychological Discoveries of 2014. While this is one person’s list, I was most fascinated by the commonality of all 4 topics. They all speak to the need to be more conscious of who we are and what we are doing at any given moment. As people continue to focus on resolutions for change, perhaps there is something to how we cultivate the focus needed to strive to fulfill our goals.

Every day of every year, scientists toil away in their efforts to understand the workings of the human mind. What makes us happy? How do our emotions work? What should we be doing differently in our lives to make ourselves healthier, happier and stronger?

Each year, a few studies stand out as particularly helpful by outlining a clear path to accomplish a better and healthier life; studies that everyone should know about. Here are four such studies from the year 2014. I hope they will help you to shape your coming year.

We look for happiness in all the wrong places: We typically think of major life events, raises, large purchases, and success as the main sources of happiness in our lives.

But a Harvard University study by Zhang, et al., 2014 shows that we are overlooking a powerful and readily available font of happiness: the small things that happen from day to day. In this study, students were asked to place 5 mundane items that represented their daily lives in a time capsule, and to predict how much happiness it would bring them to see these items 3 months later. The students drastically under-predicted the joy they actually felt when the time capsules were opened.

The Implication: Pay more attention to the small things that happen in your daily life. Small sources of joy are powerful.

The mind/body connection: 2014 was the Year for Mindfulness. The concept of mindfulness has gradually morphed from simply “being in the moment” to a more complex definition: “being aware of your own thoughts and feelings in the moment.” This new way of viewing mindfulness has opened doors to new areas of research.

In 2014, study after study has shown that mindful people are better off in a variety of different ways. In fact, higher emotional self-awareness has been found to improve your overall health. A Brown University Study by Loucks, et al., 2014 showed that people who are more aware of what they are thinking and feeling in the moment have lower BMI (body mass index), lower fasting glucose, less smoking and higher levels of physical activity.

The Implication: We should all work on being more aware of what we are thinking and feeling in the moment, and why.

There is a simple way to fight your own negativity and anxiety: Negative, obsessive thinking is a common part of many emotional and psychological problems. A new study byNota & Coles, 2014 offers an option to try if you would like to reduce your own negative thinking patterns. These researchers found a clear connection between going to bed late at night, inadequate sleep, and excessive negative thinking/worrying. More studies are planned, but in the meantime, it makes sense to try this relatively easy fix.

The Implication: Try going to bed earlier and work toward getting 8 hours of sleep per night, and see if it helps reduce your negative, anxiety-driven thinking patterns.

People who treat themselves with compassion feel better about themselves and their bodies: A 2014 study byKelly et al., 2014 found that women who treat themselves with more kindness and compassion are better able to cope with disappointments and setbacks in life. They were also less reactive to other people’s judgments or criticisms of their body shape and size.

The Implication: If you are kind to yourself in the face of your own mistakes and flaws, you will be a stronger and more resilient person overall.

In a nutshell, here are my wishes for you in 2015:

That you will take joy from the small things in your daily life

That you will be aware of what you are feeling in the moment

That you will take care of yourself by getting enough sleep

That you will treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion that you offer others

Jonice Webb has a PhD in clinical psychology, and is author of the book Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect. Webb has been licensed to practice since 1991. She has been interviewed on NPR and over thirty radio shows across the United States and Canada about the topic of her book, and has been quoted as a psychologist expert in the Chicago Tribune. Prior to joining PsychCentral, she was the Mental Health Editor for BellaOnline, the second largest women’s website in the world. She currently has a private psychotherapy practice in Lexington, MA, where she specializes in the treatment of couples and families. Webb currently resides in the Boston area with her husband and two children. To read more about Dr. Webb, her book and Childhood Emotional Neglect, you can visit her website, Emotionalneglect.com; or view her short videos on YouTube.

Older people who have low expectations for a satisfying future may be more likely to live longer, healthier lives than those who see brighter days ahead, according to new research published by the American Psychological Association.
“Our findings revealed that being overly optimistic in predicting a better future was associated with a greater risk of disability and death within the following decade,” said lead author Frieder R. Lang, PhD, of the University of Erlangen-Nuremberg in Germany. “Pessimism about the future may encourage people to live more carefully, taking health and safety precautions.” The study was published online in the journal Psychology and Aging.

Lang and colleagues examined data collected from 1993 to 2003 for the national German Socio-Economic Panel, an annual survey of private households consisting of approximately 40,000 people 18 to 96 years old. The researchers divided the data according to age groups: 18 to 39 years old, 40 to 64 years old and 65 years old and above. Through mostly in-person interviews, respondents were asked to rate how satisfied they were with their lives and how satisfied they thought they would be in five years.

Five years after the first interview, 43 percent of the oldest group had underestimated their future life satisfaction, 25 percent had predicted accurately and 32 percent had overestimated, according to the study. Based on the average level of change in life satisfaction over time for this group, each increase in overestimating future life satisfaction was related to a 9.5 percent increase in reporting disabilities and a 10 percent increased risk of death, the analysis revealed.

Because a darker outlook on the future is often more realistic, older adults’ predictions of their future satisfaction may be more accurate, according to the study. In contrast, the youngest group had the sunniest outlook while the middle-aged adults made the most accurate predictions, but became more pessimistic over time.

“Unexpectedly, we also found that stable and good health and income were associated with expecting a greater decline compared with those in poor health or with low incomes,” Lang said. “Moreover, we found that higher income was related to a greater risk of disability.”

The researchers measured the respondents’ current and future life satisfaction on a scale of 0 to 10 and determined accuracy in predicting life satisfaction by measuring the difference between anticipated life satisfaction reported in 1993 and actual life satisfaction reported in 1998. They analyzed the data to determine age differences in estimated life satisfaction; accuracy in predicting life satisfaction; age, gender and income differences in the accuracy of predicting life satisfaction; and rates of disability and death reported between 1999 and 2010. Other factors, such as illness, medical treatment or personal losses, may have driven health outcomes, the study said.

The findings do not contradict theories that unrealistic optimism about the future can sometimes help people feel better when they are facing inevitable negative outcomes, such as terminal disease, according to the authors. “We argue, though, that the outcomes of optimistic, accurate or pessimistic forecasts may depend on age and available resources,” Lang said. “These findings shed new light on how our perspectives can either help or hinder us in taking actions that can help improve our chances of a long healthy life.”

We often think that the goal is life is to reach the end of something. Yet most of us get so focused on the conclusion we don’t focus on the present. This article shares some thoughts about the journey of happiness.

Would you say it’s to be successful, to have loving relationships, to make a difference in the world, or to be wealthy?

Maybe it’s all of the above – though there is one common denominator for all of these: to be happy. We all want to be happy, right?

Some would say the search for happiness is the greatest motivator of humankind.

For many people this is the primary goal of their life.

We do what we do in the hopes that we will ultimately find greater happiness.

It’s intuitive to think that if we value happiness so much, we would ultimately be happier. If you want something bad enough, don’t you do whatever it takes to reach this goal?

For most goals this works out okay. If I want to achieve good grades in school, improve my sales, get more clients, etc. the harder I work the better my results will probably be.

Unfortunately, when happiness is our end goal and we approach it this way, it may lead to less happiness.

This is because unlike getting good grades, there is a paradoxical effect between the goal and our evaluation of the outcome. Think about it; the more we value happiness the more likely we are to expect happiness and to set higher happiness standards that are difficult to obtain.

Putting a high value on happiness leads us to be disappointed because our level of happiness won’t meet our expectations.

This is particularly true in situations where there is little stress and where happiness would seem to be most in reach. There is nothing to attribute our lack of happiness to, and we may assume “I should be happier!”

This only takes away from our potential of experiencing greater joy, contentment, and pleasure.

So, what does this mean if we want to flourish and experience greater happiness?

Should you just neglect this natural tendency and not worry about what happens in life? Of course not, but it will require learning and developing a happiness plan. A plan where you apply intentional activities and make a conscious effort to change the way you live your life.

Here are five interventions to help you develop a greater quality of life.

Learning to be grateful – Focusing on what you’re grateful or thankful for is a major way to begin experiencing more happiness. People who keep a gratitude and appreciation diary generally see a rise in their happiness within a few weeks. The idea is simple. Just write down 3 – 5 things that you appreciate, and hope to see continue. Write a brief note about how those good things came about. Try to make an entry every few days, or at least once or twice a week.

Building on Strengths – Dr. Marty Seligman and Dr. Chris Peterson developed a list of universal virtues or personal strengths. These seem to be valued in every society, and research now suggests if you develop your strong areas, you will be more productive and happy. Write each night about what you did to work on your strengths. Pick the top two or three strengths in yourself and do something each day that “plays to” that strength.

Lifestyle Skills – There is a strong relationship between diet, physical activity, sleep and mood. If you want to be happier get adequate sleep, not too much and not too little. Eat a well balanced diet and avoid drugs, alcohol, and caffeine. Make time to exercise at least three times per week, even if it’s just going for a walk for 20-30 minutes.

Random Kindness – Commit to doing a few good deeds a few days a week. These can be small or moderate in size. Don’t overdo it. It can be something small like putting a coin in a parking meter, for example. In the winter you can clean the snow off a neighbor’s windshield. In the spring weed a neighbor’s flower patch. Send an anonymous donation to a school in a poor neighborhood. The list could go on and on.

Meditation – Meditation can help us relax, stay in the moment, and be more mindful of our thinking and emotions. When we are deeply relaxed, when our mind and our body is quiet, we recover quickly from stress. Developing a meditation practice can be a great way to cope with a fast-paced life and cultivate more positive emotions.

Happiness is not an end goal in itself but is more of a lifestyle. Happiness is not some state we will one day reach for good, but an ongoing process requiring work and practice to manage our thinking, outlook and habits.

A true state of joy comes from finding meaning and fulfillment in what one does. This article shares the difference between temporary pleasures and true happiness, sharing how one can achieve the latter.

When I begin seeing a new client, the first question I always ask is, “How will you know when we’re done?”

Often the client will respond, “I just want to be happy.”

There’s nothing wrong with that of course. I would be truly concerned about the client who wanted to consciously find more ways to make themselves miserable.

And yet, so many of us do just that: we spend a lot of time making ourselves miserable.

Meaningfulness refers to my ability to use my gifts, talents, time, and treasure in a way that both enriches me AND enables me to work for the good of others.

Intimacy is the work I do to make my relationships healthier, deeper, and more rewarding.

And Virtue is my ability to respond to challenges I face with integrity and strength.

The happy person isn’t the one who dies with the most toys, takes the most vacation time, manages to escape the most conflict, or avoids the most stress. We now know that the authentically happy person is the one who can say that he does work that makes the world a little better, works to build a loving community around him or herself, and demonstrates the ability to live more faithfully to his or her values in the face of trials.

Do you just want to be happy? Then ask yourself three questions…

1. What can I do TODAY to use my gifts, talents, abilities, time, talent, or treasure to make someone’s life a little easier or more pleasant?

2. What can I do TODAY to draw a little bit closer to someone I care about and who I know cares about me?

3. What can I do TODAY to respond in a little more mature, virtuous way to the problems I’m facing right now?

If you can answer those three questions, you’ll be well on your way to increasing the meaningfulness, intimacy and virtue in your life that leads to authentic happiness.

The author of over a dozen popular books integrating solid theological insights and counseling psychology (including; For Better…FOREVER! , Holy Sex!, Parenting with Grace, Beyond the Birds and the Bees), Dr. Popcak directs a group pastoral tele-counseling practice that provides ongoing pastoral psychotherapy services to faithful couples, individuals and families around the world.

Together with his wife and co-author, Lisa Popcak, he hosts More2Life, Airing M-F, Noon-1pm Eastern (Tune in online or to podcasts at http://www.AveMariaRadio.net). A sought after public-speaker, Dr. Greg has been honored to address audiences across North America, Australia, and Hong Kong.

I had a patient’s spouse recently ask me how I keep happy in the midst of daily tragedy. Her husband is dying and her son-in-law’s brother just had died in a car accident. She is feeling her age. She finds tremendous strength in her faith and yet struggles to find happiness during this time. This is a normal challenge that we all will face at one time or another in life. I came across an article that tries to offer ideas as to how we can find happiness during rough times. The author offers a faith based answer, based on his Christian ethic. Yet, the message is one that any G-d believing person can relate to, even if they cannot fully embrace it. Like my patient’s spouse, faith might be the best tool to find contentment even in times that contentment is not apparent.

During an early morning conversation, long before the rooster crowed, I heard these troubling words. “I haven’t been happy with my life in over 10 years.” Here we go again, faced with another perplexing statement, from someone near and dear to my heart, that begs the question, just how do we as individuals define true happiness?

Is it a universal feeling that transcends time and space that we can grasp and hold in our hands? Perhaps it is possibly a spiritual aura we aspire to achieve someday. Or has it become an all elusive dream; now that our economy has tanked, our jobs are in peril or worse yet lost, our retirement savings have taken a major hit and our homes have become more of a liability than an asset?

It’s hard to find happiness in the midst of these storms. I’m there with you, as I ponder the perilous state of my finances, the devastation of my personal relationships and the value of my own self worth; all of which have fared, nary too well in our own current tempest.

Not one to delve into this subject matter alone, I sent out an email to a few close friends, asking them to share with me their own personal definition of happiness.

From my dear, sweet Lee in Oklahoma, I learned: “happiness is contentment gained from the knowledge that I am endeavoring to please God.” And from my senior, spiritual mentor, Paul: “happiness is contentment and peace.” From Charlie who has been my pastor, teacher and friend for over 30 years and has been recently deluged with numerous health issues: “As I think of happiness, I am realizing more and more that it is not something to be sought but developed. The English word happiness is derived from “Happinstance” which is dependent on circumstances. Christian joy is not dependent on what happens. As Paul said “Whatever circumstance I find myself, I have learned to be content. The certainty of His Sovereignty is the source of my sanity. When He is Lord I am secure ”

Dani asked me to look up Aristotle’s definition of happiness because it conveys much of what she believes. In His writings, Aristotle states the following: “The god” or best good is that which is desired for its own sake and for the sake which we desire all other ends or goods. For human beings, eudaemonia is activity of the soul in accordance with arete (excellence, virtue, or what something is good for”). Eudaemonia is characterized by living well and doing well in the affairs of the world. Moral virtue is not the end of life for it can go with inactivity, misery, and unhappiness. Happiness, the end of life, that to which all things aim, is activity in accordance with reason (the arete or peculiar excellence of a person). Happiness is an activity involving both moral and intellectual arete. Some external goods are necessary in order to exercise that activity. But happiness cannot be identified with pleasure, wealth, or honor–unlike what most people think. The good of human beings cannot be answered with the exactitude of a mathematical problem since mathematics starts with general principles and argues to conclusions.”

Webster’s defines happiness as A. Prosperity; B. A state of well being and contentment; C. A pleasurable or satisfying experience. Fortunately, none of these aforementioned definitions mentions anything about stuff and it’s propensity to make us happy. Whew, Thank You Lord!
Not to be outdone, I must interject my definition of happiness as it pertains to me. I believe genuine happiness is created, not by the fullness and fulfillment of what we have in our lives, but through the transcending joy of those with whom we share our lives with.

Hopefully, by separating the chaff from the wheat and reaching our own definition of happiness, we can peruse through all the emotional baggage we’ve been carrying and drop it off at the nearest waste disposal outlet. From henceforth and now on, once we get past these gut wrenching atrocities, that have not only overwhelmed us, but left us, at times, devastated and disillusioned; it’s time to look within ourselves and surrender to the Holy Spirit, the very presence of God in us. An abundance of joy is there for the asking, one that He alone controls. Thankfully, no matter what issues we are currently facing, we have within our grasp, the very wherewithal to discover a personalized happiness that transcends both time and place, regardless of our present circumstance.

The Apostle Paul tells us in Philippians chapter 5 verses 12 and 13: “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation. Whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.”

Herein lies the key to a personal and lasting happiness. God alone, our ultimate resource, unlocks the door and provides the wisdom and strength necessary to find peace and contentment, as well as our own individual fulfillment. Looking to Him, rather than the world and all its shortcomings shows us in truly amazing color, that He and He alone is enough.

Contentment, I believe, comes when we entrust ourselves, through faith into His loving care, knowing that where we are at this moment in our lives, is just where He wants us to be. No matter the trials, no matter the tests, if we have been perfectly placed, He remains with us, showing us the pathway to eternal and lasting happiness.

Finally by fulfilling one of the greatest commandments to love one another, we exude happiness to the point of overflowing. Loving others and being loved in return is truly priceless. Living in a nation known for it’s over indulgence, loving each other too much is the one indulgence we can readily get away with.

In times of joy, in times of want, in times of need, in times of heartache, relationships formed and bound in love generate happiness; giving love unconditionally to all bonds us to the greater good that God intended for us all. It creates an endless, flowing river of individuals who will always be there for us, to listen, to share, to give, to cry and to love us just as we are, unconditionally.

God has provided all the tools necessary to live a life filled with happiness. Through His Word, prayer, faith, family and friends we can find contentment, we can have peace, and we can weather the storms. For true happiness is found, not in what we have or hope to have; but through His everlasting investment in us and the dividends produced by this investment that we are ready and willing to share.