I was driving home for a second time, because my middle son had forgotten his school books. It was just me in the car and I was flipping around to find a radio station. I heard a familiar song, and I paused.

Now just so you all know? I suck at the game, ‘Guess what song this is’. My kids and my husband play it all the time and I am the official biggest loser. It always takes me lyrics and a couple of minutes to figure out what song is playing. I will never be a musical genius.

This mornings song? ‘Faithfully’ by Journey.

Last year at this time? I would have drove up my driveway bawling my eyes out, but not this year. Nope I am healing, and me being me? I’m healing in my own damn way, which means, I find the irony and amusement where I can.

So I listened to the lyrics and giggled, and then I caught my breath…and giggled some more. Crazy Kelly came out to listen, and brought Angry Kelly with her, and the three of us sat in my car giggling hysterically.

I watched another marriage torn apart by infidelity this last week. I watched children hurt, and a woman brought to her knees. I have seen two now up close and personal, and in both cases the men were POS (pieces of shit). They were not worth saving, they were the type you run far and fast from, thanking God everyday he took them from your lives. unfortunately they still leave a damaged family in their wake, they leave destruction and misery. They need to go live on cheater island with the whores. Catch every STD out there and lay in the sun as their penis’ rot off. Just my thoughts on this Monday morning…

Sometimes I just wonder if there are any faithful men out there? Are there any that when life gets hard and a whore whispers sweet things in their ears, they just walk away? They go back to their wives and work on their marriage? They keep promises?

Me and my multiple personalities got the giggles today, and we sang loudly and off-key together in a chorus of bitterness.

“They say that the road ain’t no place to start a family Right down the line it’s been you and me And lovin’ a music man ain’t always what it’s supposed to be Oh, girl you stand by me, I’m forever yours, faithfully

Circus life under the big top world We all need the clowns to make us smile Through space and time, always another show Wondering where I am lost without you

And bein’ apart ain’t easy on this love affair Two strangers learn to fall in love again I get the joy of rediscovering you Oh girl, you stand by me, I’m forever yours, faithfully

My opinion is, the only men who have not cheated are the ones not given the opportunity! Most men are just too scared or lazy to go hunting on their own, but when it is blatantly offered, I now doubt any would turn it down! Case in point, my husband, never went out drinking with the guys, always did family time, never ever gave me any reason to doubt him, fast forward a lifetime, we got a computer, he retired early, his choice, I had my doubts. He unbeknownst to me started getting thoughts in his head, hating retirement, not getting the attention he thought he deserved, worrying about getting older! Then he starts spending every waking moment on the computer, I thought nothing of it at the time, why? because I trusted him & cheating never was in my universe, I didn’t give that a second thought! Then the signs begin to develop, no one could get on his computer, his cell phone all of a sudden was off limits, he wasn’t paying attention to anyone in the family, he didn’t want to go on a family cruise my daughter planned, even though he had always wanted to travel! And no I’m not stupid, I knew in my heart & mind he was doing something inappropriate, I just didn’t want to know for sure, because I knew when I did find out that my world & my life as I knew it would be changed forever, because I always believed cheating was a deal breaker, no discussion, divorce pending, three strikes you’re out kind of thing, boy was I wrong on some things I thought! My life has changed forever, but there is no divorce pending, why I honestly don’t know, I like most of you don’t feel the same about my husband, he without a doubt is my biggest trigger, so why wake up every morning looking at the face of the biggest, biggest what of my life, cheater, regret, liar, most certainly all of those & much more, but & here’s where it gets tricky & confusing, it’s the face of the 19 year old boy I fell in love with, it’s the face of a dad looking at his new born children, it’s the face of memories, it’s the face of the only man I have ever loved, so that pretty much sums it up for me, something is keeping me & you others with that man who has caused us more pain than we could have ever imagined, what that is, is as varied as the weather, we all must decide for ourselves & who knows maybe we just go on without any reason at all! I love each & everyone of you I have met on this journey, so thank you for letting me be me! XO Joan

Hi damaged. I hope this did resonate with you. Thank you for posting. I could have written all of what Joan did, not as long, I am a little younger than her, but I truly adored my guy. My love, my heart, my absolutely darling man, the guy I literally gave everything I had to, including my virginity, and my ABSOLUTE trust. I felt cherished and appreciated, every single day – EVEN when he was fucking his whore-cheating-ex for fifteen months. This guy. The man, this he-man, strong, tough, but so soft and kind underneath that manly exterior, so sweet, with crinkly, sparkly eyes, and the softest heart – who shed tears after my long, long (20, 22, 34 hour long) labours to bring the three little people we worked so hard for, loved so fiercely. The look of wonder on his face as he delivered the second one, just the two of us at home, waiting for the midwife to return 20 minutes after he arrived, the man I gave my future to, he already has my past. The man I worked sometimes 20 hour days with, shoulder to shoulder, building a future, on his family farm, then spent hours making amazing, love to. Twenty-six years of loving this man, ’til it hurt (literally now.) The passion we still had, up until I lost that about two years ago, three years post DD. And my old friend, his ex GF, who walked in, took multiple giant shits, and then played with us in the period post DD for almost three more years, then turned, walked away and has few (if any, I don’t think there are any) repercussions. Meanwhile, my love story, my long history, my safety, my sexuality, the way I interact with my kids, my support system, all gone. It is a long, slow climb out of the abyss of infidelity. You know, infidelity, that stupid thing that only happens to people who don’t really love each other, who really needed to divorce anyway. Guess what? A hell of a lot of affairs seem to happen in really good marriages, too. And it makes absolutely no sense! I mean, every relationship has periods where there are stressors – but you think the good ones, like ours was, ours was the envy of all of our friends, they still can’t believe this happened to us, you think you have enough insurance, enough shared, loving history to ride out a bad moment, to give yourself time to talk. I die every day as I mourn the loss of our “perfect” love. It still hurts every bit as much today, as it did the night his ex (who he’d ended it with, about six weeks earlier) texted me with the details, absolutely shattering my world, probably more, as the reality of living a life with this sets in. I was her friend, I cared about her, and she just didn’t care. Not that I blame her entirely, it was an equal opportunity affair, they both played leading roles. I’ve had some hard roads in this life. This has been the hardest, by far.

My story is very similar to both Joan’s and Paula’s. I am probably a little younger again and having young children only makes it worse. I’ve been told over and over by people who don’t know us that he was missing something, that something must have been lacking, that I must have been inadequate, that he stayed for the kids not me, that he really went looking for it, that he will do it again. I am not naive. It’s not that I haven’t asked myself the same things. But I have taken a long time and conclude that actually – the thing that was lacking was in him – and I think that’s always true for men who cheat. Otherwise rich, intelligent, beautiful, loving women would not be cheated on. The thing that was lacking was acceptance. He didn’t accept getting older (career wise mostly). He didn’t accept that he had lost the job he loved and now hates his job. He didn’t accept that he might be better moving to a new job. He didn’t accept that he could not just work 24/7 and still be the husband and father he wanted to be, so he tried to do both and managed to do neither. And that’s where a sociopath steps in. And from complaining that he talked about me like I was a saint (I’m not, never claimed to be) she convinced him that I was the reason he failed at his dream job, I was the reason he hated his current job, and I was the reason he wasn’t the father he wanted to be. I am “lucky” that the affair (though physical and they knew each other in real life) was largely online because she moved away just before it started and only came back for a few months which ended in D-Day. I can see the progression in the texts, chats and emails. I can see his weakness, I can see his compartmentalisation. I can see how he rationalised it to himself. I can even see how he would treat me badly to provoke me to stand up for myself thereby giving him the temporary excuse of “Nephila is not being kind to me”. He had never been emotionally abusive before, but he became it during the affair. And he is so genuinely broken by that, which I see every day. I don’t punish him (contrary to the usual accusation) nor do I pretend to let him off the hook and only blame her. I don’t have to remind him what he did. He reminds himself. He is broken and more broken for knowing that he did it to himself.

Often, he sees me playing with the children, he cries. He cries and explains that he doesn’t deserve to near them, or me. He doesn’t feel like he should have what he has after what he did. He doesn’t feel like he can bear his children not knowing the truth one day so that they don’t fall into the same traps. He sees in my eyes the pain he caused and he knows it is permanent and he sobs, literally, that he cannot undo it. And then he will compartmentalise and we will have good times and then suddenly he will remember what he did. I have literally never raised the issue of the affair even implicitly in the last year, probably 2 years. And yet he lives with the scar that he can’t undo it.

I know his remorse is real. I know he was a good man. I still see it. I still see his kindness and his love and his level-headedness, his drive to after us, his identity bound up in seeing himself as doing good things for others. I see how much he is trying to make up for lost time, I see his love for me and his effort to distract me and engage me. Like Joan, I see the 19 year old boy I made laugh by mothering him (our first real meeting was when he accidentally fed $20 to a photocopy machine and had $5 left for lunch not the other way round). I still see the knight in shining armour who comforted me when my first boyfriend dumped me. But the thing I cannot forget is what he did that year he broke my heart so completely. He took my weak spot created by my abandoning cheating father and he stuck the knife in right that spot. And now, I know I will never love him like I did. I love him, and I feel so sad for him that he’s done this to himself and lost the pride in his character that was at his core. But I will never love him the way I did. I will never love anyone like that. He broke something that is too delicate to mend.

I owe that 19 year old who saved me, I always will. And I owe my children for saving me when I was crushed by the affair. And I owe myself to not have the same scar he has – I could not live with destroying their lives. And so, I go on. And I am loving to him and it is genuine. But I am still broken by this. And there’s no mending it. It is a broken love, but it is love. I am often happy and engaged and full of energy and I can see his joy, his hope, that this will penetrate to the core. But unfortunately at my core was a love made of loyalty and safety and trust and I have lost my faith in those. I agree, most men will do it in the perfect storm and that’s what we had. The circumstances weren’t our fault, not even his. He was just too weak to stand up in the storm. And I think most men are, and a lot of women.

Joan – we are survivors. And while we may never be the same, we can be proud of ourselves that we have survived this. I am proud of you and Paula more than I can express. I see so much of my own story in yours and I only hope that I can keep my strength as long as you have.

We all seem to have those feelings. I doubt that my love for my husband will ever be the same as it was, either. A broken heart can be mended but it will never be the same. All the pain and hurt is now woven into the fabric of our lives, whether or not we stay with them.

Joan for the record? I believe you are healing 🙂 yeah happiness is taking its own sweet time with you, but it’s happening. I see a difference when you stop by, you are choosing better and slowly letting go of bitter and hate. You are funny, strong, and I love you post (posts) today.

You hit it on the head, we love the life we had with them, the love we shared and the man we get glimpses of. My husband was just 19 when we met. At 39 when I found out I could believe it of the asshole he had been for two year, yes he would cheat and lie…but the young man who asked me to marry him, the man who held our first son and cried after 24 hrs of labor, that man? He was the one I couldn’t wrap my head around doing those things.

My husband is that young man again, maybe your husband is too. They can change Joan, you can find him again.

I hate that the men we have loved and given our lives to have hurt us in this way. Nothing we could have ever done justifies this betrayal. I am really struggling with why I am still here fighting this fight. My husband moved us three thousand miles across the country to the town where he met his whore. I have begged him to consider relocating. He always comes up with some lame ass excuse. My girls are sad. I am a train wreck. My oldest daughter is back home attending college trying to deal with what her father has done. I haven’t ever felt so lost and alone but I stay. I hate it here. I hate that all I have here are bad memories. I just want to enjoy a day with no triggers and no reminders.
I kept telling myself that I can do this but today I am wondering why I bother.

DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed above are entirely my own, my view may be distorted because of where I am in my life right now, so if there is really a man out there who wouldn’t cheat no matter what, my apologies to “HIM,” notice that is singular, not plural!!! 😈

PW, after I wrote that & after almost 2 years, I now know the reason I stay, right or wrong, it’s because of my past with him, so maybe that would mean I’m living in the past, so what, I was happier there, so sounds like you’re there also! How do you like your coffee, I’ll put a pot on!

I don’t think you’re living in the past Joan, you’re just doing the best you can to live in the here and now! You stay because your life is so intertwined with his and to leave would probably tear you both apart. I think you’re right Tempted, we have all been with these men since we were in our teens, that’s a lot of memories to throw away. I know they didn’t think about all that when they were cheating, but I think they’ve all probably come to realize it now that they have! And Joan, I’ll take the coffee however it comes 🙂

I also met my husband when we were just kids. I was 17. I had been violently raped at 16 and did not trust boys. So Daniel and I were friends first for a long time. Then we realized we loved each other but still I was not ready for a relationship. He was patient and kind. He waited. When we finally got together it was intense and filled all the voids left by my past. There were triggers but Daniel was right there to help me through them. He still does when it comes to that.
All together there are 37 years of history between us. But like others have said, I am not living in the past. What the past does for me is to bring a sense of belonging and now a sense of grace… grace bestowed on a spouse who does not deserve it but belongs with me anyway.
I still don’t know what will ultimately become of Daniel and me, but we seem to be turning a corner in our relationship and heading out of the storm together. I still have demons of pain and hurt chasing me around, but if Daniel continues to show the understanding that I have prayed for, maybe the demons can be put to rest. We’ll see.
Are there any faithful men out there? Men who have chosen not to act on opportunity? I think so. Men who have never thought about it? I doubt that.
The thing that hurt me the most was not that Daniel thought about it, or even that he acted on it. It was the fact that he betrayed me emotionally. He replaced me in his heart and lied to my face about it and played me for a fool. That unfaithfulness, for me, will probably be the hurt that will never quite heal.

DJ, your grace in the face of your long recovery is so inspiring. Thank you. I know Daniel is now seeing how beautiful the woman he waited for is. I hear his change in your writing. It takes some a long time to see what they nearly lost – and for what? I am so glad you are now getting the love and patience you have so dearly needed from him x

I have learned a lot during my recovery from you, Paula, and I continue to learn from you every day. May we both find our way on paths that will be fulfilling and happy, even if not as blissfully pure as the old paths were.

Kelly thank you, I think you’re right, I just might be on that road to “THERE,” by that I mean, I’ve had people tell me “hold on you’ll get there,” well I didn’t know then where “THERE” was & didn’t know if I’d be any happier when & if I ever got “THERE!” Well I still don’t know how I’ll feel when I get “THERE,” but it looks like I’m on my way, wish me luck on this next leg of my journey! Did any of that make any sense to you, because it makes perfect sense to me! LOL. XO Joan

And now Nephila, you told me you think I’m a survivor, I can certainly say that about you also, right now you are hurting & rightfully so, but I sense in you a willingness to try & make a life for your family, even at the expense of your own happiness! Even now the thought of hurting my husband makes me sad, even though I still sometimes feel like strangling him! You’re right, things will never be the same, but remember we are survivors, unlike men we don’t just give up when things aren’t going the way we think they should, we stand our ground & find a way to make things work, that’s what you do when you love someone! I have so much faith in you my friend! XO Joan

Thank you all for sharing and reminding me that I am not as alone as I feel. We are all survivors and we will get through this. We are stronger than our husbands and we will muster the strength to get us through these difficult times. We have to. We love our families and that’s what we do. If only men could be as strong as we are. I have faith in all of you. We can do this. One day at a time.

Wow, you are all amazing women! Seriously. The world is much better because you are all a part of it. The violence you’ve suffered, the children you’ve lost and the pain you’ve all endured are beyond my words or imagination. I’m in awe of you!

Really touched by all the painful, hopeless, happy, and beautiful words of fellow betrayed spouses. This is a shit of a journey we unwillingly find ourselves on, trying to piece together our lives, our sanity, our families. We are stronger than we think. Thank you all for sharing. xx

All my blog friends gathered! I will add my voice too. Are there men that don’t cheat? I think so, but it takes a VERY self-aware person to NOT cheat. As a general rule, men just aren’t very self-aware…..not to be confused with selfish, which our husbands certainly are. To be able to walk away from temptation, you have to stare it down. You must be able to weigh the potential loss of your family, your job, etc. You have to be able to stare yourself down and admit that you are weak, vulnerable, and flawed. It requires a level of emotional honesty that I think most men lack.

NOW my husband can see what made him vulnerable. NOW he can see that he was looking for a quick, easy balm to his own inner turmoil and failings. Back then? No. Infidelity, contrary to popular public opinion, is not a marital issue. It is not a “couple” issue. It is an individual issue. If we want to “affair-proof” our marriages, we need to start with OURSELVES. Sure, better communication, expressing our needs, etc is good, even GREAT for our marriage. But to keep from cheating, we don’t need to look any further than the end of our own nose. We need to take an honest look at ourselves, how we cope, how we act, what messages we send out. We need to evaluate our inner selves. Our hurt, our pain and our belief systems. If we strengthen ourselves, our marriages are safe.

Joan, I am new to this blog….still cannot believe that I too have a story to tell…..Naphila your story touched me along with Joans….strong women and the words cut like a knife. My story is not unlike many here….I just hope that I can share my feelings on paper as well as you ladies did. Its even hard to write this and actually post it. Please forgive me if it is long and rambling….My story started 29 yrs ago with a young, naïve love. My husband was my first true love and remains to this day. We are a military family….2 kids, grown. We have always been in love. I had never had any reason to believe my husband would stray. He was totally in love with me….so I thought….I still struggle with him saying “he never stopped loving me” “never” huh! How do you do something so terrible to some one you love so much? We had the type of marriage that everyone envied….a true love. We loved and adored each other…….however I have later realized that we lost each other along the way. He built his military career and I stayed home and kept the fires burning. I raised 2 kids….they are good kids now adults…kids to be proud of…Son, a Law Enforcement Officer, Daughter, a teacher. I did something right. My husband was a wonderful father….he was a man of excellent character…He was a leader and loved his family. Our downfall came 2 1/2 yrs ago when he was preparing for his last deployment of his career. He was stressed…he was leading about 70 men and women and had a job ahead of him……For the first time in his career he had a female Admin person….I didn’t think a thing of it….never had a reason. Well, long story short…she befriended him on a personal level. She convinced him that something was missing in his life. He told her he was in love….not clear if he told her he was happy or not…probably wouldn’t have mattered to her….she had her sights set on him. HE IS IN NO WAY INNOCENT IN THIS….however, I know him….have known him for 34 years. I know his heart. He did not set out to have an affair or 2 nights stand or whatever you call it. He ended up having to travel to a base to do a visit and she was there….I knew she would be there but once again, didn’t matter to me. She made up an excuse to deliver a list to his room and that was when something started that couldn’t have been changed for anything I believe. She kissed him……there was no stopping then. He had sex with her. He said that he felt like hell….his first thought was “what have I done to my wife?” He tried to forget it. He said he wanted to forget it happened. He said that in all their time outside of the night, they were professional. He said she would flirt but he didn’t react.. Well, he came home and continued the work relationship with her that week. Said they didn’t ever speak of what happened…only work. The next weekend was the same….he travelled to a base and she was there….I do not remember the specifics b/c most of what I know is a jumbled mess in my head. He said she came to his room again and it happened again…….I could not believe what I was hearing. He is not that kind of man. He never shared he was unhappy in marriage. I should’ve known something. He came home from that weekend the same he says…feeling guilty, like a piece of shit. He did the same but knew that it was over…..he wanted to be married to me….he thought he would just not tell me. His conscience would not allow. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t function….he ended up telling me by the next weekend. I was devastated…You all know the series of events that take place…the anger, the sadness, the disbelief. He called her, fessed up that I knew and told her he wanted nothing to do with her. We went to Marriage Counseling and have worked steadfast on our marriage every since. He deployed 9 mths after Affair. She was in the war zone but he had asked superiors to not have her with him and they agreed. They did not know the details and he didn’t offer. He deployed and my life sucked….his too I guess…..we worked on each other and together tho far apart….thousands of miles apart while he was in a war….being shot at. He had 10 mths to think about what he had done to me not knowing if I would still be here when he returned. I prayed like never before…..I too remembered the 19 yr old boy I fell in love with, the wonderful father of my 2 children….he had fallen from grace. He was suffering as much as me if not more, He wore the guilt and shame everyday since. He has done nothing but try and make things right since. He never stopped loving me….he just temporarily loved himself more. I do love this man…..He is my soulmate….yes, he made a terrible mistake that he has to answer to God someday but I chose to work on what we have created. Something the OW never had, a history, a life. Days are good mostly 2 1/2 yrs afterward….he is once again the man I married. He is kind, loving, honest. He just broke my heart. He tells me he will work the rest of his life to put it back together again. I don’t think its possible but I can pray that someday I will feel the way I did before this nightmare happened to us. I hope that the broken me can add something to this blog……I am sad sometimes but most days I am happily married and in love with this man that broke my heart….Sounds messed up huh?

Lynn, you shared your story beautifully, I’m just sorry you had this particular story to tell! My heart aches every time someone new pops in here with another story of betrayal. It’s been 2 1/2 years for me also, time has helped, it would have to, no one can remain in the state you find yourself in when you first find out. Your husband sounds so much like mine, which makes it so unbelievable. I don’t think any of us will ever be able to fully understand how previously honorable men could resort to lying & cheating on the ones they claim to love. And no it doesn’t sound messed up at all, maybe we will never feel the way we did before, but I still like you, choose the man I know to be so much better than the one terrible choice he made! You sound like a wonderful person, I’m so sorry you are going through this, but everyone on here has been so helpful & supportive, they become a lifeline, friends we will probably never meet but know more about my story than my own family. In a way all of us on here are like a family, you can come on here share when you have a good day, cry when you have a bad one, no one will judge because they know what we are going through. So I hope you come back & talk to us some more, hugs to a new friend from Joan

Like the rest of the ladies I to have been with the same man for 34 years. Here is my difficulty, he pursued her. She was at fault and I had been a good friend to her, but he arranged their first lunch date and then went from there. I still can’t wrap my head around it.