New York Minute

The critics, the cynics, the "one-time Biggest Fans who've turned their backs on the Olsen Sisters because the two have sold-out" complainers, they're going to be watching this movie like circling vultures. Their perfect lives, their perfect luck, their perfect careers (topping a billion dollars of revenue before the age of 18 ... not bad) &#Array; everybody's waiting for Mary-Kate and Ashley to make a wrong move...

Oh, but you all are just setting yourselves up for the fall. Because, of course, those people are all looking at New York Minute, the new film starring the massively-adored duo from TV's Full House, as the twin's major motion picture debut. Which, of course, it is not &#Array; as us fans know, besides the number of home movie adventures, this is actually the second studio film from the twosome after the Steve Guttenberg / Kirstie Alley co-starrer, It Takes Two. With that in mind, even if NYM were a bomb, it'd all be part of the important and sometimes necessary step in the career and growth of an artist (or artistic pair, in this case) that we know as the "Sophomore Slump."

OK, so this one is a bit of a Sophomore Slump for the twins...

Rather than pound on the problems of New York Minute, as so many other critics are sure to do, I'd rather take this opportunity to offer the girls some constructive criticism based on the what went wrong with this Olsen twin outing. After all, with so many successes under their belt, it's unfair to criticize these two starlets for using their second major film as a chance to take some creative leaps.

Next time, take some creative leaps. If the best scenes of your movie only serve to remind people of other, better movies, you're in trouble. New York Minute, a movie about a suburban truant taking a straight-laced companion out for a wild time in the city while a vindictive official tries to catch them having too much fun on their 'day off' (ring any bells?) is crammed full of homages to films not old enough to be homage'ed. And by 'homage', I mean 'concepts lifted without change.' Next time, maybe first-time writer Emily Fox should watch some movies from outside the New Release shelf before sitting down to pen a script.

You two are better than poo. Since when are the wholesome Olsen twins all about the poo jokes? This movie touches scatology in ways it shouldn't be touched. The movie's most sickening scene (unless you're an African American &#Array; in which case, avert your eyes from the House of Bling scene before you witness sister solidarity sell itself out to the Man...) has Ashley visiting a toilet straight out of Trainspotting. And, horrifyingly, falling into it. And then, ghastlifyingly, wearing it. She's screaming, "I can't operate without my Dayplanner!!" and I'm screaming back, "You've got $#!^ streaks on your skirt!!" The rest of the film is then trying to coax a dog into taking a crap. Young America, you have plunked box office dollars down on one too many bad raunchy movies, and you should feel quite guilty for making the Olsen sisters have to stoop this low to entertain you.

If you want to make a Simple Plan commercial, make one. MK&A are no strangers to product placement &#Array; in fact, they're masters of it (their direct-to-video movie Holiday in the Sun was one gigantic ad for the Atlantis getaway in the Bahamas.) However, you're in the Big Time now, ladies (again), and this stuff either needs to be more subtle, or else it needs to be for a much, much better band than Simple Plan. The group is name-dropped more times in this film than the word "cool." You can't really blame anybody but the band for this one. Or perhaps the cameo-appearing Jack Osbourne, a friend to the twins and an obvious bad influence.

Dennie Gordon is not Amy Heckerling.Fast Times was great. Clueless was great. Dennie Gordon did not make either of those films &#Array; somebody dialed the wrong number at the DGA, that's all I can figure. This is the third time that Gordon has worked with precocious little girls &#Array; previously, Amanda Bynes in What a Girl Wants and, of course, David Spade in Joe Dirt &#Array; and when it comes to the kind of sweet scenes that this movie really needs from the Olsens every now and again, director Gordon is about as skillful as a retarded monkey on smack with oven mitts on its paws. This movie brakes from crazy-zany to melodrama so fast, you're guaranteed whiplash. Shame, Dennie Gordon. Shame and blame.

Ashley Olsen and Mary-Kate Olsen in New York Minute

Of course, the ensuing weekend box office numbers will tell the tale of how successful this film really ends up being, but in any case, I firmly believe that Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen can recover from any such 'sophomore slump' this film may find them in. It's certainly not all bad, as many in the filled 625-capacity theater (including a few guys &#Array; 82, not counting press and VIPs, to be exact) can attest. I've said it many times before, but a good MK&A movie needs some good love interest boys for the girls to play off of, and while the script doesn't give them much to do but be dreamy, the guys in New York Minute were a big step up from the clods of the last few Olsen twin videos. I heard a girl in the audience whisper, "The blondie is totally hot!!", so thumbs-up there, for sure. Also, the movie has my second favorite 'borderline-racist gag' from Hollywood (second only to the part in The Stupids where Chinese spies are trying desperately to blend in by trying to get soy sauce into those little, tiny packets) as TV's Andy Richter plays the #1 Favorite Adopted Son of a yakuza mob. There's also a very welcome cameo from one of the stars of Full House, and a performance from Eugene Levy that could have been funnier, but at least wasn't as show-stoppingly obnoxious as could be feared in a teen flick like this. Oh, and if you care to know, Ashley is actually naked a total of three times in the film, including a shower scene within the movie's first five minutes. So, like I said, lots of promise for the next one. Once you come through that dreaded second project, there's nothing but light at the end of the tunnel.