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Is Your Mojo No Go?

By the eHarmony Guru

March 21, 2008

“Got my mojo working but it just won’t work on you.” – Muddy Waters

Some guys just HAVE it. You know the type – walks in, smiles, looks around the room, introduces himself, and makes an instant connection to every woman he sees. He isn’t a cheesy “Hello Ladies,” type – instead, he has the one thing that women love and men die without…

CONFIDENCE.

We’re not talking about cocky arrogance. We’re not talking about aloof, rude behavior. A truly confident man exudes a sense of ease about himself, and imparts that ease to the people he’s with. He’s not out to impress, even when it’s vital that he be impressive.

In a recent reader question we asked, “What’s the first thing you notice about a potential mate?” A significantly large percentage of women answered, “confidence” and discussed at length the way a man carries himself. Possessing confidence is a trait that’s hard to nail down, and it encompasses a range of physical, emotional, and conversational tendencies.

But whatever the “je ne sais quoi” involved may be, these suggestions will help you get your mojo working overtime.

1. Set Aside the Fact that you don’t Feel Confident

There’s an old saying in the music business, “fake it ‘til you make it.” You may not feel confident, and although it may seem like the entire world knows it, it’s just not true.

The world around you, the women you meet, the people at work, cannot see your deepest fears. They do not automatically know how shy and awkward you feel. Each time you enter a new situation, you have the opportunity to open up a new door and take your mojo out for a test drive.

If you pretend to be happy, self-assured, and totally at ease for an evening, one of three things will happen: (a) despite your best efforts you’ll be nervous and scared, which you were anyway, (b) you’ll spend an entire evening pretending to be at ease, or (c) you’ll actually become self-assured and at ease as the night goes on. So take a chance and ask yourself, “What would I do if I had no fear?”

2. Be less SELF-conscious and more OTHER-conscious

Most people with shrunken mojo are very self-conscious. They constantly wonder what others think of them and may actually have negative thoughts that work against their confidence. “She must think I’m so nerdy.” “I bet this woman is used to guys who make more money than I do.” This tape loop of negative feedback runs through the mind at crucial times, short-circuiting any chance of being at ease or confident.

The best way to fix this is to take a giant step in the other direction. Don’t worry that it will be a step too far. Overdoing it wouldn’t hurt, because very confident people often could not care less what others think of them. There are many famous people in this category who are unsavory for a whole host of reasons (Donald Trump and Gene Simmons come to mind), but there is no denying that they seem to think they are smart, funny and interesting. They never spend a second wondering if another person feels the same way.

An other-conscious person doesn’t waste time wondering, “Does she think I’m funny?” They use their inner dialogue to process thoughts about the person to whom they are speaking. They use that mental energy to notice things about the person and ask questions. It’s an effective mental trick that takes the focus of the energy off you and places it on the other person.

3. Smile and Listen with Your Eyes

It’s as simple as that. When you’re nervous or full of anxiety, the first thing you lose is your smile. Don’t give away your best tool for looking happy and attractive.

The other most-noted trait that women look for in a potential mate is “the eyes.” Your dad told you to look people in the eye when you talk to them, and he was right.

4. Fix Anything That Needs Fixing

Through a strange turn of events, I received a gift certificate to an expensive store. I ended up buying a dress shirt that cost $200, and from the moment I walked out of the store, I felt like a fool. I mean, who buys a $200 shirt? But over the next week, as I tried to wear the shirt enough to get my money’s worth, I noticed a strange phenomenon. Whenever I wore the shirt – which was pretty darn flattering – I felt different. I stood up straighter. I got more compliments, and that turned into a mojo extravaganza. I began to feel conversationally bulletproof in that shirt.

I’m not suggesting that you go out and buy a $200 shirt. But if something about you needs tending, go tend to it. Maybe you need a new haircut or new shoes – or just a shine! These things may seem silly . . . but if they make you feel stronger and stand taller, they will help you project more confidence.

Speaking of standing taller, one of the simplest ways that men reveal themselves to be mojo deficient is by their posture. So many women noted that “the way he carries himself” was a key factor in finding a new guy attractive. Perhaps the only thing you need is a straight spine!

5. NEVER Apologize for Who you are, What you do, Where you Live, etc.

In a society where many of the individuals have everything they need, our consumer economy works by convincing you that your life isn’t good enough. You NEED a newer car. You need a better phone. You need a better life. This constant assault by the advertising media is designed to make you feel inadequate, and it works ruthlessly well.

The sooner you start feeling good about who you are, what you do, where you live, and what you own (or don’t own), the sooner you’ll start projecting a comfort in your own skin. I know it’s likely that some area of your life isn’t where you want it to be. We’ve all been there.

When I was 16 my dad gave me an old clunker – a 1967 Ford station wagon. I whined to him, “I’m never going to get any girls in this car.” He was quick to point out, “Well, at least you’ll know that the girls you do get are into you and not the car.” But I learned how to work that car. I OWNED it. I said, “Yes, I have a classic car and I love it.” Instead of looking down at the ground and making a joke about my jalopy, I smiled and said, “This car is a work of art!”

Never demean yourself or your current lot in life. People learn how to treat you by watching how you treat yourself. Finally, it’s never too late to get your mojo working. You may need a new venue. You may need some new people to practice on. But once you’ve laid the foundation for a confidence that’s unshakeable, you can use your new mojo in any circumstance. And don’t forget: If you have confidence, nothing else matters. If you don’t have confidence, nothing else matters.