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It’s no secret that America’s schools are failing. If we were to guess how hard they’re failing on a scale of one to an endless romp in the desert with no end in sight that has already lasted as long as most students will spend in public schools, well… it’s way worse than that. So it’s time to look for an upgrade that can fly us on to victory– the F/A-18 Hornet. Let’s compare the Hornet to what we’re using now, shall we?

Though there may be some who balk at the increased cost of the Hornet, let’s get a few things straight. First off, has the Hornet been failing our students for years without any sort of reprisal? We didn’t think so. Additionally,all money spent on the Hornet goes to creating good-paying American jobs. What does Wally Mankowitz create? Funding will likely be easier to get for the Hornet, especially if parts are manufactured in a congressman’s home district.

It’s time to make the right decision for the kids– the F/A-18 Hornet.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

NSFW Grant Proposal Due Date Clarification

The NSFW proposal deadline date for Fall 2014 is October 6, 2014. All future years thereafter, the proposal deadline date will be September 15. If September 15 falls on a holiday or weekend, the proposal deadline date will be the first business day that occurs after that.

PROGRAM GUIDELINES

Solicitation 69-666

DUE DATES

SYNOPSIS

This funding partnership between the National Science Foundation of the World (NSFW) and the Noticeably Endowed Hunks (NEH) supports projects to develop and advance knowledge concerning an abundance of NSFW topics. Made urgent by the imminent death of roughly half of the approximately 7000 currently used perversions, this effort aims to exploit advances in information technology to build computational infrastructure for cataloguing the insane and the icky. The program supports projects that contribute to data management and archiving, and to the development of the next generation of incorrigible perverts. Funding can support sex work and other activities relevant to the digital recording, documenting, and archiving of endangered perversions, including the preparation of lubes, sex toys, sex samples, and databases. Funding will be available in the form of one- to three-year senior research grants as well as fellowships for up to twelve months and doctoral dissertation research improvement grants for up to 24 months.

EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITY

This program provides educational opportunities for Undergraduate Students, Graduate Students, Postdoctoral Fellows, Werewolves, Wererats, Wereturtles, Vampires, Deep Ones, Elder Things, Crack Whores, Freemasons, Sasquatches, and members of the Bavarian Illuminati. Individuals interested in applying for funding should see the program guidelines above.

Public school. You know it’s a place full of bad influences: drugs, queers, evolution. And yet you are a hard-working parent doing your best to get by– home schooling is expensive even without factoring in your lost income! It’s just not a possibility for everyone. Because of that, we’ve put together a list of ten things you can do as a concerned parent to make sure your little love-sponge isn’t going to soak up all the horror that is public school. Continue reading →

Chances are if you’re reading this post, you’re a literate person– and in English, moreover. Otherwise this text would look sort of like լիզում իմ ոտք ունեցող մարդ. But how did you get that way? What sets you apart from the throng of people who just don’t understand the symbolic interpretation of glyphs on a page? Continue reading →