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Thursday, May 19, 2011

People talk a lot of shit about bros. They say we’re obnoxious. They say we’re destructive. They say we’re what's wrong with America. Well I’ve fucking had it with this nameless, faceless “they.” Do “they” even know of our constant struggle with the fucking arbitrary rules of society, which constantly demands that we live their way or else be fucking shunned like we’re the ugly Kardashian? You know, what really fucking pisses me off is the people that read this shit and say Brocism is some made up word. Well you know what, I may have had to invent that shit, but that’s only because even the English language itself refuses to believe it’s a problem. Brocists would rather direct their sights on more “important” shit, like saving made up places like “Darfur” rather than facing the real hate crime in their own fucking country.

A little over a year ago, a group of bros were invited to the Miami of Ohio Phi Delta Pi Sorority formal, at the Lake Lyndsay Lodge. But this wasn't your typical formal. Unfortunately for the bros involved, the owner of the formal's location was a raging Brocist. While this may be old news, the truth is we just passed the one year anniversary of the violent backlash that took place due to society’s unwillingness to accept bros for who we really are. And more importantly, if we let brocist history just fucking linger, we'll be doomed to repeat that shit. So, let’s take a look at the first hand account from Lake Lynsey Lodge owner and noted Brocist, Lyndsay Rapier-Phipps:

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to inform you about the behavior and conduct of the students that attended the Phi Delta Pi formal event that was held here at Lake Lyndsay Lodge on Friday April 9, 2010.

Immediately upon their arrival we were informed by the bus drivers that the students were acting belligerent during the ride down and demanded for them to pull over to let them urinate on the side of the road. When the bus drivers did pull over,they were then stopped by a Butler County sheriff.

Fucking define belligerent. Were the students trying to overtake the bus and run it off the road? Were they fucking ghost riding the bus? Did they strap some bomb to it and make that shit go over 50? Probably not. My guess is they were just chanting shit and yelling out profanity. While illegal in “Demolition Man,” unfortunately for Bro-Haters, we don’t live in fucking San Angeles yet. And they “demanded for them to pull over on the side of the road”? Is this a fucking bad thing? It's called having to take a piss. Sorry we don't all wear diapers like your incontinent ass so we can just fucking piss ourselves whenever we want to.

When the students arrived around 8:00pm most were already heavily intoxicated and some could barely manage to walk inside the facility. Upon arrival, a male student asked the Lake Lyndsay staff member Yvonne if she had a washer and dryer in the building because he had vomited on his shirt and pants.

This bitch should have fucking known that Sorority pregame parties are the biggest fucking shitshows on the planet. Of course everyone’s gonna be heavily intoxicated. You know what happens at Sorority pregames? The older sisters just shove shots down their "littles" throats until they can't fucking stand anymore, just so they can scream out shit about how "WE HAVE THE BEST FAMILY!!!" Half the time the Sorority girls have to be fucking carried to the formal, the other half, they don't even fucking make it. And what’s so wrong about asking where the washer and dryer are? He’s trying to be a gentleman.

When the caterer decided to stop serving the alcohol because the students were overly intoxicated, a couple of the male students climbed over the bar and on top of the counter to get around the caterer and to the alcohol.

So let me get this straight – you cut off the bar because people were too wasted, and you think they’ll just call it a night and switch to fucking Shirley Temples or some shit? No fucking old lady’s gonna tell Bros when they’ve had enough to fucking drink! These guys are fucking heroes and this bitch is trying to act like they’re criminals. This seems to be a growing trend. Remember the last time someone came to the rescue when the alcohol was kicked at a party? Whatever happened to him? Hmmm. Oh, that’s right THE JEWS CRUCIFIED HIM!

We let the students use our table decorations for free. And they repaid us by taking two of our crystal vases outside and throwing them off of the porch to shatter on the concrete patio below. We now have to inform the brides that are scheduled to use these vases later this summer, that we do not have enough for them to use now due to the fact that they do not make this particular vase any longer.

HOLY SHIT! TABLE DECORATIONS!! For free right?? What an enchanted evening!!Somebody alert fucking Martha Stewart, Lake Lynsay’s got some crystal vases! Fucking please. And I’m sure that bride’s gonna be devastated these bros ruined her wedding by shattering these precious vases. Take it from someone who’s done his fair share of wine and beer bottle smashing. It's fucking awesome. Now, I’ve never smashed vases, but I can only imagine the fucking power you’d feel. I guarantee the enjoyment these bros got out of this is much more than anything that fucking bride would have ever gotten. Besides, she'll already have had the pleasure of smashing her husbands testicles earlier that day.

Elizabeth saw a group of male students on the side of the building laughing, and when both Yvonne and Elizabeth went back later to see what they had done, they found a pile of human feces on the side of the building.

Alright, before we start pointing fingers again at these bros, how the fuck did Yvonne and Elizabeth know it was human feces? Can they seriously tell the difference between human and dog shit? I bet Yvonne took some big lick of it and screamed out, “HUMAN!!!” Either way, whatever, so somebody had to fucking take a shit. Big fucking deal. You know who takes shits? Everyone. That's right even Kate Upton. Not as hot anymore is she? Who the fuck am I kidding, yes she is. Anyways, what I'm guessing is there was probably a long line at the bathroom or something. Would you have rather had them shit their pants? For the last time, BROS DON'T WEAR DEPENDS, BITCH.

Yvonne found two students in the caterer's closet having intercourse on top of the stacked tables. Yvonne turned the lights on and told them to "get out now." The male student proceeded to curse at her and turn the light off. Yvonne turned the light back on and stayed there while they dressed themselves and left the closet.

God, if anyone should be on trial here, it’s that bitch Yvonne. First she licks a pile of human shit, and now she’s looking to get in on a three-way with two College kids. All this bro asked was to have some privacy as he romanced the shit out of his slam piece in the Caterer’s closet. Yvonne was obviously jealous that she couldn’t bang the bro, most likely because she’s fat, so she wanted to do the next best thing and watch that shit. It's funny how Lyndsay just glosses over the fact that Yvonne was trying to masturbate with the Cappuccino machine at the time (probably.)

Bros don't ask for much. For the most part we want to be left alone to enjoy life. Sometimes, fucking Bro-Haters get in the way of some of our good, clean, honest fun of puking on ourselves, drinking until we shouldn't medically be alive, having sex in closets, or taking dumps on private property. By working together, we can one day end the Bro-partheid that splits this country apart. Can we ever live together in harmony? It's doubtful, but until then Bros will march forward. Bros will take pisses in kitchen sinks and smash other people's property. And Bros definitely won't let Bro-Haters like Lindsay Rapier-Phipps slow us down. Bros: 1. Lake Lyndsay Lodge: 0.

NYB, this was awesome. I dated a bro for over 4 years (but I wasn't a fucking bro hater like a lot of the bitch girlfriends are. I encouraged the constant drinking, and if I didn't partake, I would drive them wherever. They puked in my car a few times, but small price to pay for them bro-ing out) and this brocist letter sounds like every fucking formal we went to. Who didn't get fucking wasted and laid at a formal? How the fuck else is a girl supposed to thank her date for a magical evening than buy getting him fucking shots of whiskey and then blowing him in the bathroom or a closet?

lets just go destroy the shit out of this lodge. nothing says bro like some drunken vandalism. I say we get a group of us to meet at this lodge and one at a time we insult these fucking loser bro haters until they cry, upper deck the toilets, then piss and shit on their cars.

This BROrsecution has got to stop. Yale's DKE is the latest victim of blatant institutional brocism, just for #4 chanting and being bros. Lets raise a glass to our BROpressed bros, and get fucked up of course

Thanks, Browen Wilson! It was always way more fun to be the cool girlfriend who encouraged bro behavior than to be a bro hater :)

Also, did anyone else notice this part of her letter: "Thirty seven 30-packs of Natural Light beer was left behind in the building."

This dumb bitch is fucking COMPLAINING that they left her Natty Light. Do you know what I would do if someone left 37 30-packs of Natty Light in my apartment? I would thank them, then invite all my friends over to drink it. What an ungrateful bitch.

This bitch is a fucking bro hater. I go to Arizona State and pretty much everything mentioned in that story has happened in at least one formal I've been to minus #97 taking a dump outside although I'm sure its happened at a formal one of my other Bros have been to.

"Half the time the Sorority girls have to be fucking carried to the formal, the other half, they don't even fucking make it. " Soo true, 2 years ago my date and I weren't pussies after #35 pregaming although her #59 "big" #142 blacked out before the formal even started haha.

One of the big bro-haters who tries to "keep our fraternity under control" (like we can't do that ourselves... pshhh) emailed the whole fraternity the article about this last year. All of us bros berated him endlessly in emails until he cancelled his email account and was never seen again.

BroLover - you are exactly the type of girl that a bro is looking for, granted that bro wants to have a girlfriend. Usually girlfriends start out like this, but they are only fucking acting to accept your ways but once they get you they start to try to crackdown and be brocists. Fucking pisses me off.

NYB don't be hatin on the Jews for the crucifixion, without us you wouldn't have a martyr who's name slam pieces can yell out in bad. Besides, Jews can bro out too- why else is it called a BAR mitzvah?

Your site gives me hope. Just the other day after a long night of aristocrat and vomiting, I had to go into DC for work. By the time I got from Vienna to East Falls Church I had to hop the metro around noon and spent well over 20 minutes puking in the streets of Arlington as mortified mothers and their children passed by. Some of my friends would later tell me that I should probably tone it down. Such brocism is present across America. Then I read a couple of your posts and it helped me remember what is truly important. You sir are a hero.

As awesome as this post is and all the other ones on this site, this just reminds me of the tools you see when ur in PCB stumbling around trying to start a fight with you or trying to get pussy with their frat shirts on covered in puke but they can't because their too damn ugly and/or there's nothing cool about being a loser that can't control your alcohol.

If you're a bro that can't control your alcohol, mix in some amphetamines or some blow with every drink you might actually be able to hold your shit together long enough to get laid.

Honestly, if these people didn't want their lodge getting used as a frat house then they never should have agreed to host a greek formal. WTF did they think was gonna happen?? At least it didn't burn to the ground...

You're gonna tell me this chick that openly "Likes" Lil' Wayne and The Hangover, went to Miami U, and has platinum blonde hair is suprised by this shit? Fucking please! She's pissed that she already has a kid, probably married some loser, and didn't ride the pound town express with some young bro. Bros are the shit, long live bros!

I personally don't consider a formal a success until we are barred from ever coming back. Why the hell would you want to have it in the same place anyway. I also personally don't go to a formal unless there's tequila,plenty of glassware,and something naked.