Monday, February 28, 2005

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back -Time, Words & Opportunity

Three things in life that may never be lost -Peace, Hope & Honesty

Three things in life that are most valuable -Love, Faith & Prayer

Three things in life that are never certain -Dreams, Success & Fortune

Three things that make a man -Hard work, Sincerity & Commitment

Three things in life that can destroy a man -Lust, Pride & Anger

Three things that are truly constant -Father, Son & Holy Spirit

I ask the Lord to bless you, as I pray for you today;To guide you and protect you, as you go along your way.His love is always with you, His promises are true.And when you give Him all your cares, you know He'll see you through.

Pass this along to People you want God to Bless - I just did!

Learning

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...

run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Stop when you have had enough.Be Loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,

I took a crash course in computer repair. I went from fumbling to confident in the three days it took me to get a cable hook up working like a well tuned clock. The mountain seemed insurmountable, but I scaled it. In a real heart deep way I am thankful things went down like they did.If the cable guy had just been able to do what I asked it would have been much easier. I was not surprised when it was not that simple. Nothing in my life has been over easy so far. But I believe that the lessons I learned were necessary, and will work together toward a common good. I gained confidence and knowledge about a venue I must master to step forward. I faced a fear. I defanged a blood sucker. I climbed to the mountain top and planted my flag. I tried and succeeded.I had help along the way, and support too. I could not have done it otherwise, but I chose a navigator I trusted then I trusted myself enough to attempt every step suggested. When I got so far and got stuck that navigator handed me off to technical support. And on the journey from one guide to the other I paused long enough to try it all on my own. No net. No compass. Bingo! I succeeded solo where I had failed with a co-pilot. I had learned enough to manage it on my own. When I finally got on the line with cable tech support the tools were all in place. I had replaced the pci nic card and installed the drivers, yadda, yadda, yadda. A few minutes later I performed the simple tasks the cable guy had not been able to do on Thursday. And after it was up and running I thanked God that it had been a burden I had to learn how to carry.The next time you are faced with something hard that ought to have been easy ask yourself if maybe it is that way for a reason. What lesson can be learned that will place you in a more powerful position whether you master it or not. Pay close attention on your climb. I did and the joy of having cable is such a special thing, because it took real effort to gain it. I feel so much more capable to face what is ahead for this site and in my life, all due to a mole hill mountain reduced to smooth sand under my marching feet.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

The story below came to me like so many do, in emails from friends who forward hopeful or profound pieces to me. This one was from Annie, who I thank several times a month for the effort she makes to send them to me. I do not forward them to anyone anymore, but I do place them here if the message helps me promote something I feel passionate about. This one inspired a familiar wave of compassion that is an old friend of mine.I worked as a nurses aide for 24 years in geriatrics, and know well the pain this woman was feeling as she said good bye to real living. Every new resident wore the same hopeless expression. Sharing their agony was a big part of my everyday life, easing it was the reason I stayed in that field so long. Tending to Jerry did me in. I will never work as an aide again, but I still champion their cause. Really think about this one.

THE CAB RIDE

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. When I arrived at 2:30 AM, the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away. But, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked."Just a minute", answered a frail, elderly voice.I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets and there were no clocks on the walls, no knick knacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware."Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness."It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated"."Oh, you're such a good boy", she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could you drive through down town?""It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly."Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice". I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that her eyes were glistening. "I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't have very long."I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like me to take?" I asked. For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now." We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door.The woman was already seated in a wheelchair."How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse."Nothing," I said."You have to make a living," she answered."There are other passengers," I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly."You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said. "Thank you."I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life. We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL. You won't get any big surprise in 10 days if you send this to ten people. But, you might help make the world a little kinder and more compassionate by sending it on. Thank you, my friend....Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. Every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift.

BUZZARDIf you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.

BATThe ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkably nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.BUMBLEBEEA bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.

PEOPLEIn many ways, there are lots of people like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. They are struggling about with all their problems and frustrations, not ever realizing that all they have to do is look up.

Thank you Zina for the email that is posted above, and thank you Junie for supplying the link to The Rope. Click on to title to see a wonderful Sunday message. I am going to let two friends take credit for today's post, so that I can work on getting this computer hooked to cable.Lessons learned on Thursday will join ones learned today to mark a real growth in knowledge. What I viewed as an obstacle during the first moments of panic and frustration will become a solid bridge, linking me to the next phase of this journey.Deexx I got your back, sugar, but I know I am not the only one who stands solidly behind you. Every reader here that has followed your comments will stand with me in support of your journey. That is what this place is all about. That's what friends are for, and many friends are gathered here, cheering you on.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Today more than made up for Thursday. I spent the afternoon and early evening riding 4wheelers with my best friend. Spring may be a while off yet, but I had no trouble seeing its shadow everywhere I looked. Anticipation is a wondrous thing, and I am riding on a wave of it that makes every moment magical.Spring is such a wondrous season. Nature experiences a rebirth then that we can emulate any day of the year. It is a season of hope. Winter is like the dark times of our lives, times we deal with the best way we can. The knowledge that springtime of the soul awaits us at the end of the struggle is a sturdy tool to make the wait seem worthwhile. And creating internal spring is possible. But it takes practice to master it on command, and vigilance to make it an everyday reality.Rebirth is self motivated. We do not have to wait for a certain date to begin changing an internal climate. The only requirement to begin a reawakening is an intense desire for a sunnier day. Each person knows the difference between the things they can alter and the things they have no control over, yet humans all too often rant and rave loudest over the unchangeable. It seems easier for some people to rage over uncontrollable issues than to simply tackle the things that can be fixed.I fix what I can and do not stress about what I can not. Wasting precious springtime soul days in a self created winter just makes no sense to me. And not focusing on the darkness that is coming from outside sources leaves more free space for sunshine. Keep in mind that piling snow up against your doors only blocks all escapes, and piling it against your windows shuts out all light. The climate outdoors is not adjustable, but the thermostat for internal atmosphere is within reach of all of us.

Friday, February 25, 2005

I just had one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and wanted to share it with my family and dearest friends: I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die - I barely managed to coast, cursing, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over.Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the "quickie mart" building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay. When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel.At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff, 3 kids in the back, and the gas pump reading $4.95.I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying "I don't want my kids to see me crying," so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now.So I asked, "And you were praying?" That made her back away from me a little but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, "He heard you, and He sent me."I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fueling I walked next door to McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids, who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking.She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City. Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan 1, and finally in desperation had called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there. So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there.I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, "So, are you like an angel or something?"This definitely made me cry. I said, "Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people."It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you that you can hear the flutter of their wings...

Psalms 55:22 "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."Instructions were to pick four people that I wanted God to bless, especially for the months in 2005, and I picked you. Please pass this to four people you want to be blessed and a copy back to me. (As is my habit I posted it so the most could be reached.)This prayer is powerful and prayer is one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards, let's continue to pray for one another.Here is the prayer:"Father, I ask You to bless my children, grandchildren, friends, relatives and email buddies reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of your love and power. Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment.Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self doubt, release a renewed confidence through Your grace, In Jesus' precious name. Amen."I know I picked more than four and you can, too. When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could You please get that for me?"Being blessed is GOOD...being HIGHLY FAVORED is best! Don't settle!

Thank you once again Annie. The only words on this page that are mine are in blue. The rest belong to a healer driven by the Healer to soothe a tortured soul in distress. Makes me wish I could be that Doctor's patient. But knowing that the other Healer is just a prayer away makes all the difference. This is my second post today so I hope it makes up for not doing one yesterday.

I am sorry I missed posting yesterday, but it was a day full of lessons that held me hostage until the wee hours of today. The biggest lesson I learned yesterday is one I already knew, but its different context brought it home even more solidly than it already was.I wanted to grow. I was seeking something simple. Changing from dial up to cable. Simple right? Think again. I moved furniture to get my computer closer to cable hook up. I spent the day waiting for the cable dude. I took all the steps I could think of to make it an easy transition. The big moment arrived then passed without success. The just of it is that for some reason my computer would not let us do what needed to be done to change over from one thing to the other. He left it all behind and walked away. I began to panic thinking that he was right and I needed a new computer.For just a moment I gave into the pull to just give up then I talked to a knowledgeable friend. From 4pm yesterday until 2am today we worked together to solve this problem. When I got offline I was still using dial up (cord snaking across floor from one side of room to the other), but we had narrowed the issue down to a place where I can step with some confidence. At least I will not simply be tempted to give up hope of this change.Change demands things of us. Sometimes even the simplest alterations are difficult in extreme ways. Lack of knowledge, or funds, or whatever else can try to convince us to say screw it and settle for second best. External changes hold the same rules of conduct as internal ones to reach success. Standing still is guaranteed unless a person is committed to making every attempt possible to insure success.I took a crash course in computer repair yesterday. I used a screw driver when my mouse and keyboard would not reach deep enough to solve it. I learned how to remove cards and as soon as I purchase a new one I will retry all the things learned, before I am content to settle for dial up for now. Without the help of a smart cookie I might have simply given up.So if you are faced with a mountain that you do not know how to scale, look around. A climber with tips might show you the path that you should take, but you have to be brave enough to trust in them and yourself, or you might be sitting at its base for a lifetime. Meet the demands of change and then if you still fail it is not a reason for regret. Doing all you can is liberating even if for some reason it does not pan out just as you had hoped. Inaction never changes your location in the big picture. But attempting any change will take you many miles further along the path to journeys end.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

During my journey I have been alert enough to take notice of things that others often miss. My writing ability has made it easy to express those things, and my mindset is such that I have a different way of viewing life. My mind simplifies seemingly complicated issues to a level I can understand, and what is understood is much easier to control.The things that move my soul also move my feet. I travel the road dictated by the healer, because sensing pain in others is the way my soul works. It would be much easier to be selfish and ignore what I see at every turn, until I blinded myself to it enough to walk head down in a perfectly safe rut with so many others. But I view this ability as a God given gift and I try never to second guess the boss.I seem to have a calming effect on people in panic and distress. That carries a special responsibility to use that ability to do the most good in the broadest avenues available. This place is only a beginning. In no fashion do I view myself as better than any of the other walking wounded I meet and try to aide. I did not seek this in any active way, and often feel I do not deserve it. But deserving does not really play much a part in life. Nobody deserves to be abused, death happens to the innocent too, addictions weaken even the strongest of us, depression steals some, hopelessness robs others. Having tools to overcome what ever is holding me back and sharing them with others is the lifepath that seems to have been chosen for me. It is my passion and it moves my feet firmly onward in what seems a fated direction.I believe we each have a fate, but I also believe it has to be embraced to bloom. To deny the gift given is much easier. No selflessness is necessary when you just rut walk. Your fate is there, often buried soul deep. Listen to that quiet voice that just will not be stilled. Let it move your feet. I am learning new things every day about how to embrace my promise. I am not religious in a mainstream way, but I feel a firm hand prodding my back, and I trust the direction it is directing me toward.I still have a long way to go before I rid my life of the things that no longer fit in a perfect way. I do my best to be all I can be, but some days that is still a sad nothing much. Not as often as it used to be, which gives me hope of making days of failure less and less likely to happen. I should reach my journey's end though if I take as many fated footsteps as I can. Hope to see you there beside me at its ending.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Without storms we would not appreciate sunshine with the same passion. If we never felt pain, comfort would not embrace us with the same soothing arms. When every step is easy the journey seems less magical. Without mountains to scale we might never ask more of our feet than a lazy shuffle over flat lifeless ground.Dreams of loftier places give us something to aim toward, but the struggle toward tomorrow should not blind us to the beauty of today. Good or bad each day is a precious gift. Every moment matters. Each second counts. Time flies so quickly by when we do not pay enough attention to its passing. Slowing down the ticking clock is not possible, but each minute you really own has a larger image and a expanded scope that the ones you ignore do not possess.Pay close attention to every aspect of your life. Gaze at your surroundings as you go along. Look for the markers that will stick in your mind enough to make pictures you will look at over and over. Notice the little things that sweeten even the darkest of day. Possess the time you are given and it will not simply pass you by. Celebrate the ordinary, giving it importance you normally save for special occasions, and the extraordinary will inspire even greater bliss.

Well my first thought notebook had four words I barely remember writing scrawled across the middle of the page this morning. Careless, careworn, careful, and carefree stood out bold on the stark white page. Since I could not remember much about writing them I could not recall why they seemed important enough to wake me from a sound sleep. What follows is improvisation by one part of my twisted brain about what another part was thinking hours ago.Man, am I screwed. We may all be lost by the end of this post, so click closed now if you are frightened, or read on if you dare. Seems there is no easy out for me. Like that is some huge surprise. Oh well, here goes.I have a lot on my plate just now. All of it positive, but every portion demands change from me. Each change will take me light years toward long range goals, so I am moving as quickly as possible to implement them. I see the care words as the way my brain is reacting to this positive upheaval. It is listing choices in attitude, or seasonings I can add to the things on my plate to flavor them, if you will.Their order means something too. If I am careless with my commitment then I may end up careworn. If I am careful then I will end up relatively carefree at my destination. Since I am committed to this lifepath I feel like I have no right to abandon it. There is no turning back possible, even if I wanted to, which I certainly do not. My brain sent out a caution message that gives me clear choices in cause and effect, and I am steering carefully toward carefree.Life overflows with choices. Really living demands some really hard choices sometimes. But the rewards are limitless if you stay firmly on the course that is fated for you. Instant gratification is its own reward, but can often cost a bundle in the long run. Being over careful can slow you down enough that you miss the train that will get you where you were destined to be.So find a balance and a speed that will keep you stepping carefully enough to avoid being left behind. Old habits die hard for a reason. Killing them takes commitment to the uncertain, and that is not an easy task. Achieving even a portion of what I dream of is worth any cost, because I believe soul deep that any dream worth having will not demand more than it is worth to achieve.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

One step at a time is how I have traveled from the beginning of this odyssey. As one level has been mastered the next became my new challenge. As one demon was killed the following readied for battle. Discovering an issue then lifting it up out of my trunk always uncovered the object below it. Even today I find things that demand change if I am to walk on.Walking on is a conscious choice. It is a constant demand my soul makes so that someday it will be in the drivers seat without other hands on the wheel. That voice will never take me to dangerous places, but body, mind, or heart often put me in situations I should avoid. Most days my soul speaks with the loudest voice, not as often as I want thus far, but as I said I am a work in progress.It is a exercise in balance. As long as I listen to my soul and seek for perfect balance there, every other part of me will find peace as well. Taking the time to get acquainted with that voice is the best investment I ever made. Any journey worth taking must begin there. Which voice is navigating really matters to the destination reached and the cost of getting there.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

The absence of touch is a condition that I suffer from that has me seeing the gift of human contact in the most magical way. I pay attention to how it drives me and do my best to minimize the amount of screw ups I make for the sake of a gentle hand on my face. Sometimes I overcome, sometimes not, but I learn every lesson I can about what makes me tick and why from every encounter.I know I do not suffer alone, even though it often feels as if I do. I realize that the world is over populated with very touchable people who for one reason or another find themselves untouched. It is the club that few join voluntarily. It is the only thing that has the power to inspire a flood of melancholy tears if I allow my mind to linger over-long there. For sanity's sake I do not allow that often.I always hug friends now. I hug my children too, when given the chance. I end all conversations with all loved ones with an I love you. A lot of that comes from knowing first hand what a tenuous grasp we have on mortality, but some of it comes from a need to touch.The types of touch are limitless. When one sort is absent, cherishing all others makes that lack an easier bitter pill to swallow.I am strong, but I am not made of stone. We all have demons. That is one of the main messages of Journey's End. Facing demons is what I do every day. After a lifetime of practice I am wise in what works best for me, and share what I know to benefit my fellowman, but I fail sometimes too.Case in point: I have not mentioned smoking for a while, because I have started smoking again. I waited to admit it until I was certain I was not going to stop again, and none the wiser. I will not make lame excuses to justify my failure. I will not say sorry I let you down, because I did my best and that is all I can promise. I will not admit to being nothing more than good intentions, which I find laughable in the extreme.I will say as of now it is an addiction that has me, but I have more tools for the next try, if I decide to make another attempt. I recognize some triggers that would need to be eliminated first to make the battle easier to win. I have battled much larger demons and overcome them, so I do not see myself as less capable because I did not succeed this time. But I hope it makes you see me in a more realistic light. Some answers I earned, some I still seek. It is what the journey is all about. The search for understanding never ends when you are determined to grow. Failure is part of that. Admitting failure is too. Forgiving failure in yourself and others is easier if you remember that any attempt at all is a mighty victory when not trying is completely effortless.

Friday, February 18, 2005

I hope nobody reading my posts gets the mistaken impression that my life is problem free. Every life has problems that demand attention, but I only give them whatever energy it takes to solve them if I can, or accept them if a final solution is not possible. Dwelling on what I cannot rectify would just enlarge the dilemma, and fretting about the fixable would just waste precious time.During relatively problem free periods I step as lively as possible, but when times are rough I adjust my speed and adapt to the situation as best I can. Long range goals do not disappear, although my focus shrinks to get through the day size. I make realistic lists, using them as touch stones to mark my progress through each day until I regain perfect balance.It may seem a bit silly, but first thing on my list is make up. I know if I look my best I will feel more in control. I know that when I lived hopeless I did not care how I looked, so caring means I have hope. And hope is everything on bad days. Hope will carry you to safer ground if you hang on to it long enough.Small tasks come next. Things that can be done without thought. As I complete each my confidence builds. The day I complete them all and have to add more is always a reason for celebration. The day I put that list away and refocus on long range goals and dreams yet to be realized is a special rebirth.I give problems what they demand, but I resent overpayment enough to keep firm control of what is paid. I do not cry impotent tears. I do not whine for sympathy. I look for a solution as I gather my touchstones then I walk on at whatever speed is possible. When no hope is evident I create my own. All it takes is practice and a list of small realistic goals. If you do not have a bumpy day list try making one and squirreling it away somewhere handy. It always works for me.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Change is so exciting. To grow means change, demands change, deserves change, eventhough it can be very frightening too. Stopping old tired habits leave empty spaces that have to be refilled with something. Filling choices are limitless once the fear of change is conquered. I still fear at times, but I ignore its frosty fingers and dare to grow.An awakening makes it impossible to stand stationary. You need not change the location of your home, but changing the location of self is mandatory. If you honor the magic of who you are then placing importance in what makes you happy just comes natural.An awakening usually comes during a dark moment of hopelessness. Mine came during my darkest, and I Thank God every day for that hellish low that forced me almost instantly upward. A lifetime of trying to please everyone else with nothing to show for my effort was the fate I left behind, without regret.I pick and choose what I fill the empty spaces with now. Sometimes I choose wisely, sometimes not, but at least I can say that the choices are all mine and not given to anyone else to waste. I steer this ship. If you are not at the helm, I hope you carefully consider who is. And why. I did and regret nothing about the mutiny that gained me a life worth living.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I am almost a pro at directing my thoughts to a happy place. I have trained myself to see the best side of even my worst reality, since it seems to me that being downhearted only adds volume to the shit happens portion of my life. The only thoughts I have no control over are first thoughts. They wake me up at 5am. They drive me out of a warm comfy bed into this cold hard chair. They demand I write. They boggle my brain instantly alert. And they cast a gentle light over the rest of the day. What positive they add to my existence earns them a place of honor that has up until now been mostly ignored.When I make my bed in just a few minutes I will place a notebook and a favorite pen under the stack of pillows beside mine where no head lays. Tomorrow morning I will be slower to rise and write here. I will let first thoughts free-flow until the flood is over then pick and choose from among them for a topic instead of grabbing the first one so hard that I close the tap altogether.First thoughts come from deep inside. As conscious thought patterns slumber the mind and soul take over without having to fight for space. My first thoughts to me are soul images that can not be glimpsed any other way. And they are some of the most interesting notions I ever have.Pay attention to first thoughts. Give yourself time before you face the day to become more acquainted with how your mind works while you are free-wheeling. Who knows what lessons your brain is trying to learn while you slumber. Heaven only knows what your soul is trying to teach you as you wake. I for one am looking forward to this exercise. Lets do it together and share what we learn.

My best friend and her family adopted me after Jerry passed away. They include me in everything they do, as if I belonged up in their business at every twist and turn. On this day that celebrates love, I want to thank them all for keeping me involved in things when it would have been all to easy to just vegetate. Each of them is precious, but Vicky takes the prize, and she has more than earned it.I have to be careful of the dreams I mention, or she will breaks her back trying to help me achieve them. I limit what wishes I make in her company. So many firsts have been mastered at her side. So many small dreams experienced because of her good will and the good sense to have married a man who does not mind a third wheel tagging along.Small dreams picked by a best friend, and handed to me one by one make a beautiful bouquet. From 4wheelers to a comedy club night out: from health club to princess slippers: from the farm to float trips: from race track to hay ride, each blossom has its own aroma and hue. To the woman who shares all she has without thought I love you. To her family, I love you too. Vicky, thank you also for asking me if today would be extra hard, because its Jerry's birthday. You are the only one who has mentioned it so far. Last year was rough, this year easier by far, because I am working so hard at achieving larger dreams than staying stationary would support. Hugs and kisses to the Lewis clan on this day that celebrates love. Thank you all for the beautiful bouquet of dreams and for the gentle touch that always soothes me just when I need it most.

A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee... You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil.In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?""Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity ... boiling water. Each reacted differently.>The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.>The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.>The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.>"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?">Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?>Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a break-up, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?>Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?>How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?>May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.>When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

THANK YOU, GEORGE FOR SENDING ME THIS, ITS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHAT I SAY HERE, PUT IN AN EASY TO UNDERSTAND FORMAT. I AM COFFEE, WITHOUT A DOUBT. DO YOU SEE YOURSELF ANYWHERE HERE?

Sunday, February 13, 2005

I have no power to stop war, or I would use it in a heartbeat. But I do have the power to care about and soothe pain. It is my passion, my reason for getting out of bed in the morning, and my expression of love for the walking wounded I encounter along the way. Takes one to know one, they say and that is truer than some realize. A reflection I recognize, a mirror image, if you will. Love resides at Journey's End and a family of sorts gathers here in support of each other, no matter what the issues are. It is a place of joy as well as tragedy. A touchstone of sorts for some. A life-jacket for others. It is an oasis amid the confusion that belongs to all who visit. It was built in your honor. Happy Valentines Day to each of you. Celebrate love in whatever way you can, because when it is all said and done how you love is the easiest way to define who you really are. Happy birthday tomorrow, Jerry.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

When I was going through my own awakening nobody was there encouraging me to take just one more step, so I pass out hope nowadays by the bucket full. My longing for a map seemed an extra burden to carry, so I simply created one in the hopes that others would not lose their way as easily as I did. No arrows pointed my way. No lights were posted on the trail. I often stumbled along in half shadow or total darkness, so my posts here are lights to help others see. And in total darkness even a little light goes a long way.The light inside each of us is precious and perfect for lighting our way, but sometimes it gets so covered with debris that it is useless. We get so dogged down by life that we stop trying. And no effort at all just allows everything to unravel at lightning speed. No matter how you slice it failure is part of the mix, but learning how to cope with it makes every success all the sweeter.Find your light, and once it is in working order use it to guide your footsteps, but do not be selfish with its comfort. Share it when you are able, because even a little light goes a long way in illuminating pitch black tunnels leading to safety.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Recently, I stood trembling on the edge of a mountain, took a deep breath, and with eyes wide open, trusting the hand holding mine, I gently leaned forward. For me to grasp a hand in this fashion was magical, a much more difficult thing than free falling alone. Life has taught me independence. Brutal lessons made me self-sufficient. Meeting the challenge made me strong. Now I am learning that everyone can use a helping hand, even me.I woke up this morning to a comment that made me cry. Thank you Dee, for placing me on your wish list, and believing in what I say enough to think that others need to read it too. Thank you Annie, for rereading my words over and over then telling me about it. Thank you Zina, for seeing my work as worthy of the title of "Hannah's Bible". Thank you all friends, who comment when we meet, praising my small endeavor. I think of you all as family.Thank you all strangers, who visit here and help to send my numbers up, and up, and up. Get to know me well then come introduce yourself. I love making new friends, and our family has room for countless members.And to the person who is free falling beside me, hang on tight, because it is going to be a hell of a ride. I am in a magical place, soaking up the joy of free falling. Anything is possible. Take a chance. Free fall with attitude, and who knows, you just might reach your target too.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT ,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES,
BECAUSE IT MEANS HE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED.

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT,
BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF! LAUNDRY AND IRONING,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.

I RECEIVED THIS E-MAIL YESTERDAY. INSTEAD OF SENDING IT ON TO A FEW FRIENDS, I AM GIFTING YOU WITH IT HERE. THE WORDS ARE NOT MINE, BUT THE SENTIMENTS CERTAINLY ARE. BEING REMINDED OF THE FACT THAT IT IS ALL IN HOW YOU LOOK AT THINGS IS A HEALTHY THING. THANK YOU, ANNIE. ONCE AGAIN YOU HAVE MADE MY POST EASY.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

It is a source of never ending wonder that I am viewed as angelic, which I am not; and capable, which I try to be; and worthy, which I hope to achieve someday. I am just a woman who has limped along the best I could. I was a mouse, and I taught myself to roar. But in no shape or form can I be labeled as anything other than a work in progress. Imperfect, infallible, fighting for the health of my soul and the peace of my mind in every way I can. But still just painfully human, no matter what else I am. Walking wounded with attitude, if you will.I stumble plenty, fall a whole bunch too, but I do not linger over long on the acting out caused by pain. I just continue trying to heal the wounds causing the aches and in that fashion avoid the traps they construct. Sometimes I fail, false starts are human; sometimes I succeed, but it is the trying that makes all the difference in life.I still have issues. I still have failures. To travel past the pitfalls it is almost always necessary to change direction, or focus, or location. I am constantly spinning somewhere in the first two, and considering the validity of the last. I believe that if a person keeps trying that failure is only a success you have not achieved yet. Check your compass, make sure your map is not upside down, ask for directions from someone who has been there, then try again.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Saturday, I did a whole bunch of walking, and I am still sore this morning. Monday is gym day, so I have about an hour and thirty minutes of exercise to struggle through before the heat of hot tub and sauna can sooth my suffering.My body began sending panicked messages to my brain as soon as the moaning stopped after my feet hit the floor. Call off. Do not go. Stay home. Just think, of how much worse it will hurt if you do more. Yadda, yadda, yadda!!!!I allowed myself about three minutes of rest in that lovely idea then changed the focus of my thoughts.Ignoring my whining muscles I let my will take over. It had a totally different message. Go, do your routine, just do it slower if necessary, but do it. Function! Cope! Walking with pain is not anything new, for crying out loud. You have done it for a lifetime, and this is just more of the same.Any pain can be gotten through, emotional as well as physical, it just takes the right focus.I limped to the medicine cabinet. I swallowed some mild pain killers. I applied heat to the aches, and now I am patiently waiting for some relief. I can walk with pain, and get where I am headed. And the satisfaction of achievement will be all the sweeter because it was not an easy task. This morning I exercised my will, so that later I can exercise my body, and satisfy my mind. Success is all in who you put in charge of your pain walk.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

I have many online friends, from all over the world, and I value every one. They are not just words on a screen. I never lose sight of the fact that real fingers push the keys that compose those words. Some people find a comfortable online home somewhere and get to know the people who share it. I found a place of comfort at MSN Gaming Zone, Backgammon, Basement and I have a family of sorts there. My nickname is PattiesPen and I am real too.One thing I hate about online friendships is the fact that sometimes people disappear and leave you wondering. Sometimes it is as simple as a broken computer, sometimes it is much more serious. Sometimes you never find out what happened, sometimes you do.Yesterday we learned the fate of one of the basements most beloved residents who we had not seen in months, so I place her obituary here for all who knew her and all who did not. Use it to remind yourself that real people push the keys, bright people, useful people, wonderful people. Heaven gained an angel worth the halo when Athena (Mary Porter Jeffries) made her journey home.

DURHAM - Mary Porter-Jeffries, age 52, died Thursday, August 12, 2004, in Durham Regional Hospital, following complications from surgery. Mary was born August 20, 1951, in Cincinnati to Lee and Elizabeth Timmons porter. A Durham resident since age 4, Mary graduated from Durham High School and North Carolina Central University, where she received the Bachelor's degree in criminal justice. She most recently earned a second undergraduate degree from NCCU in art education. Mary's particular talent was in ceramics, and she was looking forward to teaching art at the secondary level.
With a curious and fertile mind, Mary had a zest for expanding her intellect, and was a life-long student and teacher. For a time she worked in the advertising department of the Durham Sun, where she met her husband of 25 years, Charles Jeffries. Mary began teaching at the Wright School as a resource teacher, later accepting a teaching job in art and music at Greenbriar Academy. She was also public relations director at the N.C. Museum of Life and Science.
Mary's interests and endeavors were diverse, spanning mystery novels to art, to broadening her knowledge of words. She developed a fascination for on-line gaming in backgammon, resulting in a vast community of internet friends. Mary's exuberant, bubbly personality gave her the knack of making friends and easily striking conversation with strangers. She approached her life with a keen focus on planning and organizing, and was a "quick study" involving new skills and tasks. Mary Porter-Jeffries was, above all else, a wife and mother, who conveyed unfettered love for her children and encouragement on their journey toward adulthood.
Surviving are her husband, Charles J. Jeffries; her children, Nicholas Alexander Jeffries and Hannah Elizabeth Jeffries; her mother, Elizabeth Porter in Maryland; her siblings, Lee B. Porter, Jr. in Maryland, Richard F. and Gerald A. Porter in Virginia, David V. Porter of Durham, Maria T. and Veronica A. Porter in Maryland; and by a special friend and mentor, Isabel Chicquor of Chapel Hill and special friend, Carmen Holman of Atlanta. Her father, Lee B. Porter, died Thursday, just hours following Mary's death.
Funeral services will be 11 a.m., Monday, from Immaculate Conception Church, with Fr. Steven Patti, OFM presiding.
Friends may visit the family in church from 10 a.m. to 11 a.m., Monday. Cremation will follow the funeral, with private interment in St. Matthew Catholic Cemetery on Tuesday.
Donations in Mary's memory may be made to the Durham School of the Arts, 400 N. Duke Street, Durham, NC 27701. Arrangements are with - Hall-Wynne Funeral Service & Cremation. E-mail condolences to info@hallwynne.com.

Friday, February 04, 2005

I know how to slam doors passed through while I am raging, in fact it could be said that I am a pro. Jerry used to try correcting me, which never worked and only earned him a hot glare, plus two or three extra slammings every go round. I did not scream like a shrew, but I am a slammer. But I bang to make noise not to shut anyone outInternal slamming of doors is not as loud, but once these are shut and locked it is an impossible feat for anyone without a key to enter. All you can do if you are the one being shut out is to let the person on the other side of the door know that you are patiently waiting for them to reappear. Loud banging or threats tempt no sane person to let you in.If you are an internal slammer leave one door cracked for the people who care enough to look for a way in. When you lock others out you are also trapping yourself in place. Better to come out and take the hand offered, or punch the busybody in the kisser than to barricade yourself into a corner for a lifetime.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Have you ever been at the wrong place at the right time, or the right place at the wrong time, or whichever description fits the tight spot between a rock and a hard place? If so then you understand the way it feels to be suddenly blindsided by negative things out of your control. At such times I grab my bootstraps, tug with all my might, and hold panic firmly at bay, while scrambling to put things in perspective. Damage control is needed here.Have you ever been at nowhere important, on your way to deadendville, and made an almost too late u-turn just before no turning back avenue? Ever notice how the trip there feels like complete torture but coming back feels like total liberation? My favorite part of the trip is journeys end, and the silence of my soul. Faith and valor must drive this bus. Have you ever been at the right place at just the right time? Then you know what it feels like to experience fates magic touch. Moments like that happen to me at regular intervals, some profound, some less so, but I notice every one. I hope I never grow so jaded as to ignore their brilliance. They are the touchstones on my journey that tell me I tread the path custom made just for me. Freefalling is safe and recommended here, fighting fate inspires unnecessary turbulence that will only keep you from even beginning the trip designed with only you in mind.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

To all who have love, cherish it. Never underestimate the power of a gentle touch of hand, or word, or gaze. Make time stand still once in awhile with that special look that belongs only to them. I remember well just what it feels like to trade such looks and stand breathless as the world stops spinning. It is part of why I search.To all who search with me, keep looking. Search for something real and profound. Real love does exist, and a healthy relationship is possible too, if you possess the valor needed to stay alone until one appears. The link to flash movie site today will take you to a collection of valentine pieces. Celebrate love in all its many forms everyday, but give it a special place of honor in your deeds on valentines day. Anyone with a special valentine story (happy of course) is invited to share it here with us. Be a great reminder of why we suffer from its absence and search for its comfort with such intensity. Be a great incentive to encourage lover's to celebrate their good fortune.