Top 10 Ghostbusting Tips

10. Figure out if you have a ghost

To identify if you have a supernatural presence in your house, you might want to simply ask out loud Ghost? If the Whoopi Goldberg movie appears, you probably do not have a ghost, or perhaps have a ghost with a very literal sense of humor.

If that doesnt work, leave your cabinets and doors open. Ghosts hate open cabinets, so they will most likely close them without your permission. Theyre only doing it to be nice. Also, see if there are creepy little kids hanging out on your staircase chanting or something. If you did not invite these creepy little kids, they are probably ghost kids.

9. Decide if they are good or bad

You have to ask them Are you Casper? and if they are like OooooOOOOOoooooOO they are probably an evil ghost, as Casper is the only notable friendly ghost.

Then check if they are just a small child sitting on the shoulders of another child wearing a sheet with holes cut into it. They are not a GHOST they are just a precocious child. If they are not a child, they are an evil ghost who only wants to eat your face.

8. Learn your mortality rate

In a horror movie, if you are a beautiful girl with an obvious fake tan, you will probably die right away by said ghost.

If you are a beautiful girl with a serious and unfunny personality, most likely with the penchant for blazers, you will live until the very end. If you are the guy who is DATING the girl with the blazers, you will die but later.

If you are a total sLuT, you will die right away, and if you are an ethnic girl you will live but an ethnic guy you will die right away.

7. Learn why they are there

Do some research on your house. Do you live in an abandoned mental institution? An evil but powerful Native American graveyard? Did you kill somebody recently? Does your house have a lot of shutters?

There are many reasons why a ghost could be haunting your humble abode, but the number one reason is revenge. This sort of comforts me, because when I die I plan on haunting all my ex-boyfriends, the delicious chicken restaurants from which I shouldnt have eaten so much, and the expensive clothing stores where I blew my rent checks.

6. Ask them to leave

I mean, its YOUR HOUSE. Maybe you could offer to sublet them a closet or the second bedroom you use for your crafts. However, if they do not accept that offer realize that it is your place and you pay your hard earned paycheck for this personal space.

Maybe they dont realize they are imposing on you, kind of like the guy who stays at the party way too long even though they are helping you do the dishes. Go home, dude! I totally want to drink a beer by myself and watch the new episode of True Blood!

5. Try to scare THEM off

I usually just put episode upon episode of ladies talk shows on the television. Not even the dead want to hear Joy Behar cackling about how menopause has made her grow venomous fangs, or how Sarah Palin has fashion tips on wearing your gun as a party accessory. This might provoke them to leave.

However, if that doesnt work, just try to live your life. You're a pretty gross person, am I right? You walk around with your pants off and pick your toenails and eat hummus out of the container with your finger? Its disgusting. The ghost will be disgusted and leave.

4. Hire a psychic or priest

This DEFINITELY will not work. Hell do some weird foreign chants and then be like oh CRAP this ghost is not going ANYWHERE and hell probably be a popular B movie actor.

But it might be kind of fun to have a priest ghost party in your own house! Invite your closest girlfriends, make some strong cocktails, and make uncomfortable jokes at his expense. Soon, the priest will be possessed by the devil or something and everybody will have a good, drunken laugh. Its probably better than a stripper at your party, because male strippers are officially the creepiest people on the planet.

3. Never look into the mirror

When you wash your face, be sure to not check your medicine cabinet mirror after you are done. The ghost will be there, and he will attack. Just generally keep away from mirrors, as all ghosts love mirrors and he will definitely attack you. Use small hand mirrors instead, or maybe stop being so vain all the time.

1. BATTLE HIM

I guess you could just scream at the ghost until fire starts sprouting around you and you have to do some weird curse you Googled online. Most ghost movies have the main character just using a search engine or their local library to find their spell, so I guess you could just do that and get a metal cross and scream at the ghost.

Unless if it is the movie GHOST, like I said before. Then you make out with the Ghost and it goes away. Or unless if its the GHOSTBUSTERS. Then itll go away in a hilarious way, and everybody will be much happier.