Friday, January 27, 2006

How are these ideas all related, you ask? They all involve each person's right to do whatever they goddamn want with their own bodies. It's called freedom of choice, and it's what this country was founded on.

So, between befriending someone in an "open" marriage and coming to terms with that, finding out a dear sweet friend-girl I was really close to in high school has gone porn pro, and experiencing that hallowed rite of passage known as the titty bar, some things in my head have changed, hopefully for the better.

Have you ever seen the movie 'Eyes Wide Shut'? For about a week or so, I felt like the main character in that flick, contronted firmly by the fact that my practically medieval idea of what a woman should be (chaste, picky, even prudish towards men) just doesn't fly anymore. Sure, there are women like that, but not as many as my naive little existence wanted to believe.

I thought about a LOT of stuff that week. One thing I considered was that the vagina is the same embryonic tissue as the penis, so why is there such a double-standard in how they can be used by their owners? To me, if I were a woman, the idea of pregnancy would bother the fuck out of me and keep me celebate for life. But, all around me I see ladies going out of their way to get laid, often skipping protection and using methods as untrustworthy as "pulling out" to keep themselves sans baby. This also led me to the conclusion that sex simply MUST be better for women, on some level (physical or emotional or something), in a way that they can overlook all the practical pratfalls that leap into my mind the moment I think of slipping my fleshy turkey baster between some labia. I've had my fair share of sex, and enjoyed the fuck out of it (pun intended), but as I sit here pondering the very idea of it, it terrifies me. It's the best and worst thing we, as people, can do. The biological, social, psychological, and emotional ramifications of the very act are staggeringly more consequential than virtually anything else we can do as humans. Perhaps more so than even murder. But, that's just my take. Read this if you disagree.

However, just because I freak out about the thought of an unplanned pregnancy or STD doesn't mean anyone else necessarily should. Bear in mind that my biggest concern with having a child right now is that I wouldn't be able to provide properly for it, and I'm in a very selfish place in my life where I'm enjoying my "me" time quite a bit. I'm perhaps TOO selfish and unformed to be a good parent right now, and I accept that, I DEVOUR that responsibility. And knowing two people close to me who've gotten pregnant through multiple concurrent methods of contraception makes me all the more wary.

I also want to clarify something about my family ties. My dad was brought up to think that women were dirty and evil and should only be touched for the sole sake of having children to carry on the family name. Thus, he and my mom only got it on when he was drunk. And somehow she stayed married to him for several years. *shaking head* Nice to know those were the conditions under which I was conceived. So for a time, as I continued to flip out about the notion of risking an unwanted pregnancy for the sake of an hour's fun, I started to worry I was becoming my dad, something I'd resent more than just about anything. Then I stopped and looked at my relationships and my views of the women I've been with. My heart almost exploded. When I fall in love--something that doesn't take a whole lot of time to happen--I give it my all, and when things don't work out, sometimes that can be really hard if I can't be practical about it. For example, being left so the other person can see if they can "do better" is about as insulting a reason as I can imagine for being dumped. Struggling with a long-distance arrangement makes more sense to me, as I've done it twice and it didn't work out either time.

But anyway, when I really start to dig someone, there's not a thought in my head that isn't linked to them somehow. I start thinking about my world in terms of how I can incorporate that beautiful creature into everything that I am and do. My mind opens up to all sorts of possibilities I wouldn't entertain on my own, so long as it meant sharing the experience with her. Like ballet. Ugh, I hate ballet. And opera. But I've gone to things like this just to BE with her, and to see the smile on her face because I was there, doing that, with her. When I fall, I fall hard, and I love love love so many things about women. Their smell, their smile, their curves, their totally different perspectives on things. I love what they bring to my life. So what if the sex comes later? I abstain because I want to thoroughly enjoy US as persons, and if the sex takes a while to come around, so be it.

I've had hugs that were better than sex. I shit you not. Too many people hug in such a hurry to get on with their day, but when someone hugs me so long that they almost miss their train home and risk having to wait another hour alone in the cold, JUST to feel me against them, holding them...those are the hugs that change your whole fucking world. And they've happened. To ME.

Now what I'm trying to do is NOT project my own concerns onto other people and forge expectations of them based on my own weird take on reality. Thus, it's everyone's right to do whatever the heck they want with their bodies. And NO ONE has the right to tell them not to, not me, not you, not the government, not god (assuming there's one out there). Free will, freedom of choice. Without those, what would we be? Ants? Robots? Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Abortion and gay rights are on par here for me. If a woman likes women, SO BE IT. If a guy just can't get enough dick in his life, SO BE IT. If a woman gets pregnant despite doing her best not to, but still wants to enjoy the special company of her partner, and decides she is not fit to be a good parent at that point in her life, then take care of it. It's tissue. Nobody gives a shit about eggs or sperm; they're just tissue. Nobody cries when a woman has her period and an egg is expelled, or when a guy jerks off and flushes 6 billion potential babies down the toilet. It's just tissue. But put them together and HOLY SHIT everybody's going to beat down your door if you choose to stop it from developing. Ya know what? These people need to go stop deforestation if they're so preoccupied with the sanctity of life. Apparently that doesn't apply to plants. Banning abortion is only going to drop IQs in this country even further, and lead to more social decay. Personally, I'd rather see a bit of moral crumble than promoting self-destructive families, unwanted children, and fostering more hate and depression in the world. None of these pro-lifers give a shit about the homeless or anyone starving in a third-world nation, or kids working in sweatshops. They don't even care what happens to that child once it's born, only while it's in utero. They're morons, and I can't and won't ever understand how they sleep at night, doing the personal-rights-trampling shit that they do. If they're so right with god, as they say, why do they take it upon themselves to judge and execute people here on Earth, knowing full well that it's their maker's job, and by acting on "his" behalf, they're in fact putting their own afterlife judgment into question? People, go home and take care of your own kids instead of fighting for the rights of someone else's. As much as people hate it, South Park has made a LOT of relevant social commentaries, and I for one hope it stays on the air for a long time to come. Go see the movie they made, and try to tell me it's not totally true the way parents abandon their kids to crusade for something no one even really wants.

And when did this country fall to Minority Rule, where the whiny few get their way and the rest of us normal people have to put up with censored everything? God bless the Internet, the last bastion of censorship-free entertainment. That's what delivered unto you this entirely uncensored rant today. It was also brought to you by the letter T and the number 7. :)

Elvira, in all her bloggy goodness, had inquired why, despite our torrid love affair of late, I had not added her to my list of suggested links on my sidebar. My explanation? I hadn't updated the template at all in ages (song of the day has become song of the year), and hadn't made time to wade thru all that ruvry HTML to find the place to put her face, which, ironically, I've never actually SEEN even tho she and many others have been going ga-ga over my new, REAL mugshot over there in my profile.

And this is what we eat in The Barrens. A veritable feast! This little piggy went in my stomach.

Corinna is up to level 17 I believe (dinged 3 times yesterday alone!), and I'm working on getting her water form (a sea lion, I think), but it'll be some work. Kneegrah is parked at level 22, and I'll probably be milking some hefty rested bonus later today with him for a bit. I got some critters that need poked in the eye.

A couple other things about Corinna, sexy Night Elf Vixen that she is...I must have been a chick in a former life, because I feel so delectable in this new sorta bikini top armor I have, and now that I've started tinkering with "emotes," I'm waving at and blowing kisses to and flirting with and dancing my little ho dance with EVERYBODY. If I were a girl in real life, I'd be trouble.

Item #4581 filed under "Things You Don't Really Want To Know." I shaved. No, not my face. The OTHER place. It feels weird, and a little drafty.

So WHY did I do this? First of all, it's funny to me that I even bothered to think up a reason why since some guys do this all the time, and many women shave their pubic region bare on a regular basis. It's par for the course for them (and ladies, we love you for it). But it never really occurred to me to do such a thing to myself. Nobody ever asked me to, and putting sharp objects down there never struck me as a particularly good idea.

But I did it anyway, in part just to see what it was like, and in part to understand better what you ladies have to deal with on a regular basis. I may have cheated by using electric clippers, but again, I have concerns about sharp objects down there. It ain't completely bald, but it's a lot less than it was.

The weirdest part is what it looks like now. It's so different, kinda reminds me of what it was like to be 12 again. I'm not sure that's ground I wanted/needed to re-cover, but there it is.

So, it's itchy, and cooler than usual, but I feel like more of a man (or something) for having braved this new, less hairy world. Now I just have to make it NOT look like a bald spot compared to the rest of my hairiness.

By the way, ladies...do you LIKE it when your guy shaves? Does he? Has he ever? Or do you like the way the grass tickles your ass? Lemme know. Science needs answers like these.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Stuff still sucks around here, with waaay too much drama and embellishment, but fuck that noise. I'm looking past it. It's a tired subject. And besides, if we don't figure something out in the next week or so, I'm just gonna go back to NYC and be done with it. *washes hands*

SO, let's talk about something a little happier, no? Like, for instance, the fact that one week ago right now, I was snoozing away after a rough night of drinking strawberry vodka and ogling more bare breasts in one night than I've seen in the rest of my life combined. Yes folks, my titty bar cherry has been broken, thanks in large part to one of my freelance jobs. We had our staff party there, so pretty much everything was free. Well, except the lap dances. You know I'm not one to indulge (HA!), so I only had two. And they allowed us to touch, discretely of course. And I saw Czech chick make out with one of the girls on stage. It was the awesomest. Rolled in the jizzoint around 9pm, didn't get home until 5:30am, and oh the memories of mammaries....hell of a night.

In other news, here are some facts cleverly disguised as opinions:

Shaun of the Dead and Club Dread are two of the best, funniest scary movies you're likely to ever see.

Metroid Prime (GameCube) is really damn good (I know I'm 3 years behind on this discovery). I'd put it up there with the likes of Half-Life (PC) and Prince of Persia: Sands of Time in that they took the time they needed to realize an impressively solid, logical, and cohesive vision for a game experience. The pacing and design are phenomenal. From what I hear, MP2 sort of dropped the ball, so I'll likely just skip that and go back to playing Unreal Tourney 2004.

A 61" TV eases a lot of life's problems.

As usual, I'm head over heels for someone I can't have, and for someone else I might be able to have if I ever get a chance to TALK to her.

I miss kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and talking the night away with a lady. The sex is good, too, but really....what's more memorable? First kisses, and first contact in general, are the best. If you disagree, you're reading the wrong blog and I encourage you to go away right now.

I'm trying to play Chrono Trigger (Super Nintendo) for the third time. Don't interpret that as "I've already completed it twice" because I haven't. Both times I tried to play it before, something went wrong, like my save file got wiped or something. Now I'm playing it on my laptop. If you're wondering how I can do that, ask and I might just be a sweetie and tell you.

I guess that's about all for now. I'll be doing a review of DDGirls.com, which will appear over here sometime soon, so keep your eyebulbs peeled. Also, I may be going back to NYC, as said earlier. If we somehow pull our shit together around here, I'll likely wind up in Leominster (pronounced "Lemminster") or Worcester (pronounced "Wuss-ter"), Massachusetts, for at least the next six months. Nine days and counting till decisions have to be made. Keep your eyes coming back here for the latest.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

It's one thing that I have the kind of values that haven't existed in this country since just after WWII. Nevermind that I find movies like Pleasantville mesmerizing, not only for their political/racial/gender commentary but for that idealization of the world in the 50's. I can shrug that stuff off sometimes in favor of some newer thing that wouldn't have been there for my benefit five decades ago.

Folk music emerging in the last two score is a harder thing to ignore. Why do I just lock up, physically and mentally, every time I hear Puff the Magic Dragon or Annie's Song or It's In Every One Of Us? Those songs about the eternal truths, the essence of what it is to be human and alive, they break me. They consume me. I can't process any other information when I hear them. They take me someplace else. I don't know where it is, but I love going there. It's murder on my productivity though.

Friday, January 13, 2006

I take a certain pleasure in asking people difficult "would you rather" questions that they aren't entirely comfortable even thinking about, let alone making a choice. For example, I'd ask a woman whether in the direst of circumstances, she'd rather have sex with her brother or her dad. Yes, it's fucked up. It's supposed to be.

Another would be to ask a mother of two, if she had to choose, which child she'd save and which one she'd let die.

I'm not sure what questions like this would pose difficulty to me. It probably wouldn't be family related, because--while I like my family--there are certain irrevocable distances when half your sibs are an entire generation older than you. I have a nephew as old as my cousin.

So, dear readers, in the end, the toughest choice would probably be something stupidly material, like whether I'd ditch my PS2 or my laptop. Actually, that's not even a competition, because my laptop is so much more multifunctional than my PS2. Both are entertaining, but a PC opens many, many more doors of entertainment and stimulation.

Thus, I pose it to you. Find a question I'm not comfortable answering, be it a "would you rather" or something else entirely. Make me sweat, people!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I'm huge on monogamy. Perhaps cripplingly so. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm into monogamy on a debilitating level. And I'm a guy, so this just plain doesn't fit with the world around me.

It's been a really weird 24 hours. The modern woman is taking new shape with me, given several recent events, and I'm not sure how to deal. In the last day or so, I've been involved with people with more open or swinger relationships than I'm entirely comfortable with (it didn't help seeing my friend from high school becoming a full blown porn star right before my eyes). I'm not saying it's a bad thing or that these are bad people. I support everyone's right to do whatever they want so long as it doesn't crowd my space or style. But being so atypical as far as the average Joe goes, sexually anyway, and seeing women adopt those roles instead elicits a feeling in my guts akin to the itch you can't quite scratch.

This isn't just limited to sexuality. I also struggle with people who smoke weed or drink to excess. These things just seem inherently wrong to me, and there's very little evidence (in my experience) to the contrary. Yet so many people around me engage it said behaviors that one starts to question and even doubt his convictions. Why am I staying this course? What are the odds of the bad scenarios happening to me? Why am I being such a Boy Scout?

I could bullet-point my reasons, but what's the use. They are my reasons and any one of you could think of at least one counter-point for each one. Maybe it's time to let my guard down. Maybe it's time to stop being different. Maybe the itch will go away. And maybe I can take more of the things people do with a grain of salt. In the end, we're all fucked anyway, right?

The hardest part of this is that I don't have any cause higher than me to be such a prude for, either. I'm hardcore agnostic, and while I agree with some of the popular ideas among the major religions of the world (do unto others in particular), I can't subscribe to the craziness and leaps of faith that come along with that.

I guess at the end of the day, the guiding force has been answering the question, "Would I be proud to tell mom about this?" with a resounding "yes." With a focus like that, it seems clear what I'm setting myself up for, and I can't tell whether I like it or not.

So I'm doing my Sex Herald thing, stream-ripping stuff I have to essentially watch and review, when out of the blue comes somebody I went to high school with. I am SO not kidding. I heard she moved to Miami and got into porn, but I had no proof, thought it was just a rumor she wasn't around to defend against. NOW I HAVE PROOF. It's her. She IDed everything right there in the video. Lives in Miami, grew up in Ohio, near Cleveland, got a BS in Psychology. And it looks just like her. This may just be the weirdest night of my life.

And to think what happened between us under that blanket at her birthday party while the rest of the room watched The Shining. Another time, we watched The Fifth Element together. I used to hang out with her and listen to her bitch about current and former bfs. She used to slip me notes in study hall. She used to hang out at my house EVERY DAY after school when her mom kicked her out. Just goes to show what bad parents reap.

I may need a minute to let this settle in my head. One of the sweetest gals I knew in adolescence has turned porn pro. OMFG indeed.

It's not one thing. It's never just one thing. It's always a group, and they attack at once, like a school of piranha or a pack of hounds, whittling down my sanity until I'm left in a foul mood.

I'm not sure where it started. Probably when I remembered I have a review due for the Sex Herald tomorrow that I haven't put a lot of time into just yet. From there, a squawking baby never helps. After that I think it was losing a game in NHL 2k3, then going on a quest I was in no shape to go on in WarCraft and not even getting the item that was the whole point of the quest because of a communication problem. Then there was more work than I wanted to do tonite. I'm still a little sick. It's cold outside. The Avalanche beat St. Louis tonite (I don't like the Avs, no matter how much I like Corrina). Then neither of the good convo strings I'd been part of the last several days showed their faces in my inbox or on IM tonite.

Now that I step back and look at it, I'm kinda glad I thought back to the beginning. Here I thought I was bummed cuz Elvie and Corrina had been so quiet today. They do have a way of making my day.

Upsides are that Karina wants to get an apartment with me (hope it goes well), Paula (I'd link, but she dun want me to) is willing to help, and Leslie and Mike did their best to cheer me up tonite.

Well, back to the grind. I'm never gonna get my work done if I don't DO it. As always thanks for continuing to put up with me, dear Interweb.

I've had DayQuil before in liquicap form, but tonight I had a half-shot of it (let's be honest folks; it comes with at SHOT GLASS), and let me tell you, the straight liquid, while stronger and more brutal on your tastebuds, will hit you way faster than the caps do. It took less than ten minutes to start getting that giddy feeling. For the uninitiated, DayQuil doesn't really manage your symptoms or make your cold go away, but it also doesn't knock you flat out like NyQuil does. It hits a sort of happy medium, making you feel really swell without any sleepiness or delirium. You don't really feel any better; it just makes you not care that you're sick anymore. It's kinda like being drunk without the loss of control or risk of blowing chunks.

For example, Nick just tried to get into World of WarCraft, found 300 people in the queue ahead of him on Aggramar, and dubbed it "World of Waiting." I found this incredibly amusing due to the DayQuil. Normally this would have only been sort of amusing. Draw your own conclusions.

[19:45] Me: this one time....[19:46] Me: i bought a strand of gold xmas lights and put them up around the bedroom, turned out the lights, and it was glowing all candle-like[19:46] Corrina: hehe[19:46] Corrina: nifty[19:46] Corrina: ambient lighting rocks[19:46] Me: it's like a switch that flips on when i find somebody i really really like[19:47] Corrina: I have this deal with harsh overhead lighting[19:47] Corrina: you feel like you're being interrogated[19:47] Me: i walk thru a store and can just think of unconventional, romantic ways to use ordinary things.[19:47] Corrina: I'll clone you[19:47] Me: why for[19:47] Corrina: muahahaha[19:47] Me: isn't one enough?[19:47] Corrina: I don't have to say why[19:47] Corrina: oh hell no[19:47] Corrina: one is *never* enough[19:48] Corrina: [19:48] Me: here's an idea.....fill an umbrella with rose petals the day before it rains, and give it to her. let her find out the surprise when she opens it later.[19:48] Corrina: hey[19:48] Corrina: that's uber cute[19:48] Me: i JUST thought of it, too[19:48] Corrina: :-)[19:49] Me: i was like, "think of a really boring object....ok, umbrella....now make it romantic"

Saturday, January 07, 2006

First of all, we talked out some of the aforementioned drama, and while I am still looking for another place to stay, I don't feel quite the same sense of urgency and irritation.

Next, I finally saw the director's cut of the original Alien today. It's one of those many movies they shouldn't have cut stuff out of. I've been an Alien/Predator nut for so long, it seems stupid to cut out anything that would give people a better understanding of these e.t.'s lifecycles. With that in mind, I'd happily relocate to a universe where Alien Resurrection and the dreadful Alien vs. Predator were never made. I heard they were originally going to use one of the books in the AvP series to make the movie, and they'd have done a lot better sticking to that route. They still borrowed a number of ideas, like the Predator marking the chick at the end as an ally (they continue that story in the books). Also, those of you who think Predator 2 sucked, read the book. Almost every other chapter is written from the Predator's perspective, and sheds a LOT of light on why they do what they do, the rules they play by, who they are and are not allowed to kill, and tons more. Get inside the head of the Predator. It's pretty cool.

Fourth, does it ever make you nervous going to someone's place where they use glass glasses or let guests use the nice dishes? I'm always afraid I'm gonna break something. My $1 cheapo dishes are a lot sturdier, and if they DID break, it's not like I would worry about it. Sometimes having nice things seems really stupid to me. So, of course, that's why I bought a 61" LCD HDTV.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

No, not to prison or a nut house. I left my Massachusetts drama for a weekend of fun and minor debauchery in NYC for New Year's, which turned into chaos and endless drama and bullshit because of a couple of people I don't care to see anymore. Upon returning home, I find out that things here have only gotten worse, and I'm in the process of urgently finding someplace else to live.

I can't deal with it anymore. Seeing multiple puncture wounds on the leg of an eight-year-old girl, put there by the stupidest, most undisciplined dog I've ever met in my life (besides Hobbes) put me over the edge. This same dog has tried to bite me three times (no, not "playing" as they continue to argue), so I've given up trying to make nice with it. It terrorizes the cats who live here relentlessly and the mutt's "owners" refuse to acknowledge that maybe there's a behavior problem with the dog. I've had dogs all my life that got along with people and other animals just fine.

There is no sense of responsibility here, no accountability. A dog bites a little girl hard enough to draw serious blood and the "grown-ups" who own the dog show no concern or interest whatsoever. I find this situation unacceptable. I'll brave the uncertain landscape of roommates.com just to get the hell out of here.

So as I secure new dwellings (and try desperately not to kill that dog), I may not be online a whole lot. I clench my teeth at this very moment when I think about how much I hate the people upstairs. I "hate" very few things in this world, so making the list is a major accomplishment. I hope once my friends and I get out of here, the fucking house collapses on the miserable people left behind.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I've been a little bummed out the last few days due to an overload of drama around here, but I don't want y'all to think I'm always like this. Sometimes in life, all we see is the negative. Tsk tsk.

For one thing, last night wasn't a complete bust. I did discover the joy that is Rumplemintz and got to play air guitar with an off-duty NYPD officer to 'Enter Sandman' at the bar. We rocked. Lighters were lit to that grand performance.

I also got to play gin for a couple hours and did pretty well once we nailed down the differences between that and rummy.

I got to watch Karina's eyes glaze over when me and her friend Burt started talking computers. It was a joyous moment, and reminded me more and more that I need to get me a nerdy girl.

The bartender last night (at Smitty's, corner of 44th and 8th in Manhattan) was a total sweetie. She was really nice and took good care of me. I know it's just cuz I was drunk and had money, and maybe I was funny to watch, I don't know. But still, she took care of me for a few hours last night, and it felt nice. I like women, especially ones who smile at me.

Speaking of, the "friendly neighborhood spankstress" said I was cute....no, not just that, but cutER now that I'm bald as a baby mole. Whenever I see her lil pic comment, I feel like the king of the hill. When someone good-lookin' tells you you're good-lookin', somehow it just feels more special, like they're an authority. It sounds silly, I know, but some things shouldn't be reasoned out, just enjoyed.

By the time I head home this weekend, I will have been in NYC for about 5.5 days, a return to the modern Rome that has certainly had its ups and downs, but is a trip I'm not likely to forget anytime soon.

I'm in New York for New Years festivities. The day I get here, some "friends" chew me out and call me all sorts of names. I cut them loose. No more dead weight there.

Then I go out with some chick I met at a party a few weeks ago who happened to be in the city same time as me, and she's good-lookin and all, just broke up with her bf, so I think I might stand a chance. Nope. I do my best to "be myself" and she ends up sucking face with some Norweigian guy named Johann right there at the bar. If it weren't for the two Smirnoffs, three shots of vodka, and shot of Rumplemintz, I'd have probably felt pretty lousy at the time. Instead, I just cut my losses and left for the evening, stumbling confidently back to the subway.

I get off the train to transfer to the last train I need to get home, and they're jackhammering up the line. So, no train? It ended up coming in later on the same platform as the one I'd just gotten off of, but there are few things worse on this Earth when you're sobering up than two jackhammers going full blast in the sonic coffin that is a subway tunnel.

I get home, sobered up enough, and dig into my work for the evening. Maybe I shoulda taken the night off. Instead of the usual 2 or 3 orders to screen, there are 90. So, I guess everybody else took the day off, and now our idiot outsouced buddies in India are going to make my night hell. Hard NOT to have a 100% success rate when you essentially don't do your job and escalate everything to me.