On Christmas day, I had only just sat down in the service when I read “I bring you good news of great joy” and that was enough, I could have stood up and left and that would have “hit the spot” for me for the day. Some times I find the title of a book, more motivating that the contents!

Well yesterday I received an unexpected letter that “Was good news of great joy”. I was waiting to make an appointment on the 31st Dec with my GP to hear the results of the blood tests, but he wrote to me. In relation to the lump on my neck, there is nothing untoward. Subconsciously I was preparing myself for the opposite news, so when the good news came, my reaction was flat! Boy are we complicated.

To be honest, the last couple of months have been one of the biggest battles I have encountered for many years with God. My spirit and soul have been in constant conflict. My soul has been snubbing God on a daily basis whilst my spirit has engaged. The body had not totally lost it but allowed the excuse of the season to not be as disciplined as I should have been and put back 8 pounds I lost. But the body too just let the soul win, succumb to desire and become a subject.

Why do we as the human race not respond with great excitement, passion and celebration at the message of proclamation that Jesus has come to earth to live, die and rise again so that mankind can once again be in relationship with Father God? Have we so conditioned ourselves to our own thoughts and beliefs that when the truth of reality hits we are sceptical at what we are being told? Our legal position is a fact, nothing can change that. If we believe and respond to the grace and mercy of God, then we are “born again of the spirit” or as one translation puts it “born from above”. That changes everything. Our “living condition” is another matter and we have to walk that out on a daily basis, but our “living condition” cannot and does not change our legal position.

So today, I celebrate good health, I thank God for His fresh morning mercy, I jump on my bike for a 45 mile ride with several others and I speak truth from The Word of God to my soul and try to deny my body what it craves for! Although Akila brought me a two pint beer glass for Christmas that really needs to be christened!

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Do we create the memory or try and remember what happened to us? We have such mild weather the Christmas, Akila is working and Kathy is writting her book, so when the boys mention mountain bike riding I’m right in there. Today we were at Whinlatter Pass (this video is off Youtube and the guys are walking too much!)

Its got to be done

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Do I want to be healed! What a funny question, of course I do. I have shared about my lump with a few people and their reaction is to say they are praying and they are praying for healing. I soooo appreciate that. BUT

Actually if I am honest, what I would appreciate more is prayer to hold fast to Him. I am not convinced about healing……and now we open up a can of worms and controversy! Do I believe in healing? YES. Can God heal? YES. Does God heal……..not all the time, in fact most of the time He does not. Why do I read stories of people who prayed for a parking spot and God seems to miraculously provide one but when I read of people who need healing, it does not come? I also read of some people who are healed. Many times when it is a terminal illness, they have a slow down in the process or healing for a few years. There is the one side who pray with such zeal and passion for healing, using lots of loud prayer, lots of positive thoughts and quoting lots of scripture. On the other there are those who don’t pray at all. I think I am in the middle! Why is physical healing so important to us? Why do we not put the same wieght on emotional healing or in fact, spiritual healing. The bottom line is we are in a process and in one sense from the day we are born we are dying. Mike has total healing.

In my own heart, what I am struggling with is my passion and walk with God. What I want more than healing is that I would “walk with God, obey what he requires of me and to hold fast to Him whilst I am on planet earth”. I want to trust Him with areas that I cannot control but think my involvement is important. God is God and I am not.

The bizarre part of all this is that I have at this stage no knowledge of what this lump is but its that lack of knowledge that is the killer!

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For a while I have been struggling to write on my blog, talk to God with the same passion I had or wake early to sit in my chair and just think. Part of me has struggled to be honest on my blog, to open up. The main reason, fear of others!

About 1 month ago I was shaving and found a lump just under my jaw bone on the upper part of the neck. It took me a couple of weeks to get the doctor to see me, a further couple to get blood test and now a further couple before I get the results from the GP. My initial reaction to finding the lump was “Oh God, give me a break”! Since Mike’s death, I have to admit I get a little over dramatic with myself about my health…..I think the worst. Part of that is that I have several friends who are either in the process of dealing with Cancer or who have died because of it. I have been constantly tired and have had to come home from work and sleep. Poor old Kath and Akila wondering what is wrong with Dad. I wondered whether the dark nights and gloomy weather was a part of it. Feeling both angry and sorry for myself!

At first I thought I was angry with God, but I knew in my heart I wasnt. How could I be? He doesnt owe me a thing, quite the opposite. But I just did not want to talk to Him, similar to the way my kids some times talk to me, in syllables!

When Mike died, I too could not really talk to God, it was more a crying out to Him, but what I found was the worshipping by listening to music was very helpful. I let others express what I could not and I would in my heart respond. I found that by putting myself in the position or place of worship, irrespective of where my spirit was, that there was a divine exchange and before long I had a peace and joy that defied the reality of where I am at physically and emotionally.

Psalm 100 is a great expression and David and Eugene Peterson say it well!

On your feet now—applaud God!
Bring a gift of laughter,
sing yourselves into his presence.

3 Know this: God is God, and God, God.
He made us; we didn’t make him.
We’re his people, his well-tended sheep.

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Hope the girls appreciate the effort I put in this year! Well it will be just Kathy, Akila and I and I am Okay with that. A very quiet and slow Christmas. I started to feel guilty about that but then thought its fine to be by ouselves for a change.