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Solo

If you replace the scenic meadow landscape on this photo with mewithoutYou on stage at Emo's Outside, you'll get the picture I'm trying to paint.

Ever go to a concert and notice that guy that’s just there by himself? Every show I’ve been to has that guy. What a LOSER! Oh my god! I mean, he couldn’t even wrangle together a couple of friends to go to this show? Has he no life? I bet he plays hours of video games a day, and “reads” a lot. At least, he could have brought his girlfriend. With a mug like that I’m sure he doesn’t even have a girlfriend. What an asshole.

Well, I was that asshole last night. I liked it. I haven’t been to a concert by myself in a while, not since mewithoutYou and The Dear Hunter in June. THAT show was my first solo flight. I didn’t really feel that weird about it because it was mewithoutYou, and their Christian post-hXc followers can be pretty nice. I expect most Christians to be convivial unless I bring up gay marriage or how Jesus probably rode a Velociraptor around. That show was really nice, despite the hands being held high and the smell of cologne. However, I kind of told myself I would never do it again. I was alone. I was out in the open. I could have been pamphleteer-ed or EVEN WORSE converted. You always need a wingman or best case scenario, a squadron.

In high school and college, I usually went to concerts at least rolling three deep, maybe even with a lady to score us the “approachable” points with da ladeez. I never really thought about it, but the shows we went to kind of required that we keep together closely and watch each others’ backs. I sometimes imagine what would have happened if that guy from The Mars Volta concert with the word “FUCK” tattooed across his chest wanted to start a fight with me, instead of the other shirtless bro. I would have been publicly humiliated by this guy who, obviously, had a hormone problem. What if that cat fight I broke up at the Between the Buried and Me show got out of hand and the two chicks decided to break me off? I would have had my head on a swivel, but I’m pretty sure I would have gotten jacked the fuck up. The only thing worse than fighting one out of control chick is fighting two.

With all of this running through my mind before the La Dispute show last night at Emo’s, I decided to go for it. I love them so much, it didn’t matter where they played. I would have to see them.

I braved the chances of me bumping into the wrong person and getting gang tackled by a squad of hipsters. Alas, it did not happen. Actually, I convinced myself that if things got rough I would just start kicking people in the skinny jeans. I mean, it’s low, but effective, and I’m not really a person with many principles/morals/regrets.

But, the experience taught me one thing. I’ve always been kind of alone. I was an only child growing up. I did shit alone all the time. I’ve been doing my own laundry since I was 8. [I know, legit, right?] I mean, shit, I’ve become so fucking needy of other people in the past few years. I’m realizing every day how stupid it’s become. I need contact, but not as much as I think I do. I’m finally becoming aware of how little I need people in my day-to-day life. I really like my friends, but I’m becoming more independent, as I once was, as I always should have been. I believe it’s made me weak. I’m too conscious of the outside. I’m too focused on what people have thought about me and the way that people will see me if I treat people a certain way. Anyway.

My New Year Resolution is to do as such:

Become more independent emotionally

Get all of the needy, narcissistic and manipulative people out of my life

Oddly enough, those two are directly related. My personality for some reason focuses on helping people that are in trouble. I want to fix things, inanimate or animate, but I can’t do that anymore. Time to go back to lone wolf mode. Because the more time you spend with yourself, the more you realize that you’re pretty fucking crummy, too. The only person left to fix is you.