Observations and random thoughts from a "not so teenager."

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I open my eyes and I’m greeted with a stabbing pain. My head is throbbing, and I feel like someone is sitting on my belly button. I think my pelvis was shattered. They said I lost a lot of blood, but they’re doing what they can to make me comfortable: heating pads, chocolate, soft pillows. I’m an emotional wreck. Everything seems to be triggering some form of anger, sadness, and confused complication in my body. They tell me that this too shall pass…

Unfortunately, being a woman is not a phase, and I’ve struggled with it my entire life; the monthly gift (as described in the example above), weight gain, societal pressure, family pressure, unworthy pressure that I’ve put on myself, all of it. Today is International Women’s Day, and I can’t think of a better day to talk about what it’s like being one.

When you’re a girl, you see images of Cinderella, Belle, Jasmine, and Ariel, and you think to yourself, I want to be them, I want their life. I want to look like them, have their problems, and their happy endings. I remember being really little and standing on my bed, looking at the moon and dreaming of a life like Cinderella’s (the ending of course). I even dug around in my mother’s beauty drawer for a thick, black hair tie, just like the one Cinderella had, so that I could pull my hair back, just like she did in the movie.

As I grew, I wore dresses, painted my nails, applied makeup; I had a field day trying to look like a lady. But, still, when I looked in the mirror, all I saw was a girl with pale skin, nasty zits, glasses, and frizzy hair who was gaining weight by the minute. Boys NEVER looked at me…especially when I was going through my ugly phase…which was from 2nd grade to about my sophomore year of high school. I noticed all the girls in classes around me finding guys in middle school, and I was looked at as an ugly freak. I thought, how can I change?

As time went on, like any other woman, I saw images of Hollywood celebrities, their hair, makeup, weight, and tried to imitate them. I bought their clothes, went and got my hair done, researched how to tone my muscles while sitting at my desk, and the best brands of makeup for my skin. Still, I never looked like those women in Hollywood. Hell, there are celebrity women in their 50s that look better and are healthier than I will ever be!

And, not only did I feel pressure in regards to my looks, but sex. As a woman, you’re expected to be this sweet and innocent girl in public, but once you lock your bedroom door, men want you to turn into this wild animal! I remember the first few times I had sex, I didn’t know what to do with my hands, what to say, anything. I thought that I was supposed to sit back and let him take control of my body. It’s his for the taking; right?

Looks, the bedroom, and even the work force seem to control society’s perception of women. I remember when I entered my first job and realized that I wasn’t making as much as the man (who was doing the same work and at the same level of experience) sitting next to me because I had a vagina. Really? But, I suppose women are an awful investment. If they’re not engaged to be married when they start working for your company, they probably will be in no time. So, if they get married and their husband wants to move away because of a promotion, poof, they’re gone. Then, if he wants to have children, of course, someone might have to stay home. But, how can he stay home? He just got that promotion? He’s top dog! And, companies hate maternity leave. You might as well ask to go part-time, or just save the company some time and never come back. Why invest in a woman, they’ll just leave! Ugh…

But, when you think about it, I don’t know if I’d want to be a man either. Society tells them that they can’t cry or show emotion when they feel it. They can’t be the runt of any sports team, otherwise they’ll get picked on. They have to be tall, have six pack abs, and watch ESPN. They have to make others feel like they’ve earned the penis God’s given them. And, if they want a female partner, they better make sure they’re able to provide. They’re the one who’s going to have to work long hours, make connections, and do everything in their power to make sure that at the end of the day he still has gas left in the tank to have sex with his wife. And, what about that wife? Is she pretty? Does she do meaningful work? How many women did he have sex with before he married her? How much action does he receive on a regular basis now that he’s married? It’s all important. It all counts toward their “manhood points.”

I don’t know if I’d want that specific pressure that comes with being a man. I couldn’t tell you what’s worse. But, what I can tell you, is that pressure to be anything other than who you truly are is awful. If you’re a woman, but like being a “tom boy,” who gives a shit? If you’re a man, but enjoy The Notebook, I’m not going to judge you. Shouldn’t the message we spread to one another be, “Be Happy, Be Healthy, Be You,” Instead of, “be a man,” or “act like a lady”…?

I’ve written a bit about it before, but my nutritional journey has been fairly similar to a lot of other individuals; some days, it looks like I’m on the right path, and others, I feel like a fat child who’s received free range at a local doughnut shop. My health has gone up and down over the years, but like many of you, I’m looking to get it back on track.

As a child, I was raised with two grandmothers who made sweets…ALL.THE.TIME! Sweets are my downfall, but I know that it’s something I need to eliminate. Couple my love off sweets with my moderate exercise routine, and I was….an average sized child. As I got older, I quit a lot of the sports that I joined as a kid. One summer, I decided that TV was going to be my best friend, and I gained about 15-20 pounds…in three months! I stepped into the first day of the following school year unrecognizable. And, ever since that summer, it’s been a struggle for me to lose any weight…and keep it off!

But, I found myself on an exercise kick years later and managed to lose about 30 pounds and shed some inches! I felt good, but not skinny enough. As I strived to keep losing, my body shut down and I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. I was constantly going that I had forgotten to get proper sleep. And finally, it had caught up with me. Once I was diagnosed, it was hard to bounce back. No matter how much sleep I got, I was still tired the next day. I was doing yoga almost every day, but I was losing my results; my muscle was slowly turning back into fat.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, I joined a zumba class and started to get my body working again. And, recently, I’ve joined Team BeachBody as a coach and have completed programs like the 21 Day Fix, Rockin’ Body, and Hip Hop Abs in order to get myself back on track. I’ve started drinking a protein shake that helps cut cravings, and I’m reading a great book by Maria Menounos, “The Everygirl’s Guide to Diet and Fitness,” which has workout tips, nutritional information, and a plan to help you live a more active life.

While all of this wonderful information is coming in, I keep hitting brick walls and getting flustered. It’s hard for me to resist sweets and my favorite restaurants. I was reminded of how important my health is this week when I came down with a terrible cold. I still haven’t bounced back, but it’s making me refer back to my old ways. I’m not exercising as much as I should be, and I’m eating with more of a carefree attitude. That’s definitely NOT a part of the plan!

So, what can you do if you constantly feel like you’re hitting a brick wall like me? Going back and forth, not being able to truly commit to something is the worst. I’ll share with you a trick from Maria Menounos. At first, enjoy what you want, but start cutting back you’re food intake and moving more. It’s simple! Say you typically have 8 slices of pizza for dinner, try eating only 7 and then have a side salad. Week by week, cut back a bit more and make that salad bigger, and soon you will be eating 1 or 0 slices of pizza and enjoying the salad! Second tip: move more! Instead of taking the elevator, take the stairs. Instead of parking close to the store, park further away in the parking lot. By making small changes today, you can create healthier habits that last a lifetime! Make goals for yourself, start a food journal. See what you’re eating and what you’re doing every day, and think about how you can improve.

For me, I eat peanut butter daily. So, one day, I said to myself, “Let’s see if I can go the whole day without peanut butter.” And, when I accomplished that, I tried two days, three, four, five. Before I knew it, I had gone ten days without peanut butter. Simple, small cut backs and additions can get you back on track.

I’m a worrier by nature. And every time I worry about something, I think of the worst case scenario, and then I start to believe that that’s actually going to happen.

For example, about a week ago, I made plans with my boyfriend, Matt, and a few friends to go to the beach. I told Matt the previous day (via text) that we were all going to meet up at the beach at 1, but that I would stop by his place first to drop off my stuff. That morning came, and I decided to call Matt at 10:30 to let him know when I would be leaving…no answer. At this point, I was fine, he’d probably call me back within an hour. An hour later, no call from Matt, so I called him back…no answer. Finally, it was 12:30. Still not having heard from him, I called again. Nothing! By this point, I was starting to freak out a little because he hadn’t responded the previous day when I texted him our plans…so, that meant I hadn’t heard anything in 24 hours. Who knows what could’ve happened in 24 hours time? My head was racing. Did he even make it home last night? What if someone high jacked his car? What if someone came into his place of work with a gun and everyone at his office was waiting for a hero?

I did the next logical thing and packed my bags and jumped in my car on a quest to find him. I couldn’t help it. Matt is usually really great a communicating with me, so I felt funky when he hadn’t even texted me back. I searched the area around his apartment and couldn’t find him or his car. So, he’s somewhere with his car or someone stole his car and he’s wandering hopelessly on the street, was my thought. Then, I checked the beach, thinking that maybe he’d lost his phone and was waiting for us there. There were so many cars and people as there happened to be multiple festivals going on near the lakefront that day…just my luck. After spending what seemed like years in traffic, I headed to one of his friend’s homes, nope, not there. Then, I texted a few of his other friends, no one had heard from him. I stopped at the mall, and lastly, his office. Nothing. It was almost 4pm.

I called my father and told him that I couldn’t find Matt. I stated that I was coming home and we were going to have to call the police, his parents, or form a search party…something, anything to make sure there wasn’t another wasted second that went by without having others know of his absence. As I drove home, I started crying my eyes out and I screamed at God, “Please let me find him!! He’s my everything! You might as well take me too! Where did you hide him? Why are you doing this? This isn’t ok.” Then, I began to think of what my life would become once he’d been pronounced dead, what I would say at his funeral; and I asked myself how I would feel if we never found the body. Would I be able to move on? No, probably never. Yes, I would take the oath to never date again and live the rest of my life as a spinster. Hell, my grandmother was a widow for 40 plus years before she died and she never dated, remarried, or showed interest in anyone after my grandfather passed away. If she could do it, so can I.

Then, the call came through. It was Matt’s face that showed up on my phone. But, I didn’t even rejoice at first. I thought, what if it’s the police calling to tell me they found him dead, or that he’s at the hospital and probably won’t make it? I picked up the phone and screamed, “HELLO?”

“Hi, what’s going on?” the other end answered back. It was Matt, he was alive…for now!

“WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? WHERE ARE YOU NOW? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?…” I went off. I’ve known Matt for almost 9 years now, and in all of those years I’ve NEVER, NOT ONCE, yelled at him. Unfortunately, that streak has been broken.

In the end, I went back to Matt’s apartment and we talked it over, but sweet Jesus did he scare me. It turns out that he was participating in one of his weekly activities, sailing down at the yacht club. He left his phone in one of the club’s lockers, thinking he would be back by noon. As it turns out, that wasn’t the case.

I spent the next few hours being as close to him as I could, hugging him, smelling him, cuddling with him. Good God, if you don’t know if you love someone, try thinking about what your life would be like without them, then you’ll know if you want them to stick around. It sounds stupid, but I realized that losing him would mean losing myself.

I also learned a few other things during that crazy day: -Communication is so important, especially when you’re in a relationship: Terrible communication has got to be my number one pet peeve…and it’s probably why so many people piss me off! If you have plans and forget, that’s one thing, but if you deliberately ignore people because “you don’t feel like it,” then we can’t be friends anymore. I have a friend who gets invited to many things and just doesn’t respond. She figures, if she’s available that day, she’ll come, if she can’t, whatever. I’m sorry honey, but with that attitude, I can’t invite you to a big event… like my wedding. I understand if it’s just a bonfire where you don’t really need to RSVP, but if you NEVER respond to ANY event and you still won’t respond when people personally text you and ask, “hey, you comin?” Inappropriate. People have actually stopped inviting her to things because of her attitude. Be polite and at least give someone some sort of a response. Even if you don’t know right then, say it. Don’t make people assume! In the working world, shit like that doesn’t fly, and it shouldn’t in real life either.

-Worrying is interest paid on something that hasn’t happened: My dad literally says this to me all the time, but I don’t listen because it’s a part of my personality to freak out over just about everything. This is the part of me that I can’t stand. I work at a radio station part-time, and if you’ve ever worked in broadcast media, you know that those guys and gals are some of the calmest people on the planet. They have to be! There are hundreds of factors that can make everything NOT go as planned, and you have to have a plan B while being calm about it. You just need to take things one week at a time, one day at a time, and then one moment at a time. And just remember, if there is a lack of preparation on someone else’s behalf, then there should not be any case of urgency on yours. Try your best to live in the moment, sniff out danger, but it is OK to let some things fall by the wayside.

Hold on, kids because we’re about to get spiritual! Now, if you’re like me, your parents or guardians told you growing up that you should NEVER talk about religion or politics with acquaintances!! It’s just out of the question. And for me, it still is…but not today!

I recently started reading “There’s More to Life Than This” by the Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo, and I’ve got to say, she’s completely pulled me in and I’m fascinated. First of all, I love her show and believe that the gift she has (talking to those that have ‘crossed over’) is real, so I don’t feel the need to question the stories or descriptions that she’s written in her book.

The truth is, I’ve never been a religious person. My mother grew up in a very Catholic home and my father’s mother and family had a high respect for God, but I’ve never read a single sentence in the Bible, and I can’t really tell you much beyond who God, Jesus, and Mary are, but I’ve been compelled recently to discover that “religious side” of me that I’ve never dived into.

Basically, there are a few things we need to understand regarding when we die and I’ve listed them below. According to Theresa:

When we die, our soul leaves our body and is greeted by our loved ones that have crossed over. We are almost immediately at peace.

When we get to Heaven, we meet with our spiritual “guide” that has been with us throughout our entire life. Everyone has one. Here, we’re basically given a performance review. We watch what we’ve done in the physical world, but most importantly, we see how it affected the lives of the individuals who were on the receiving end of our actions. With your guide you talk about the life lessons you learned while on Earth, how you did, and what your soul needs to do in order to grow and evolve.

There are many different “levels” in Heaven and God is on the highest level. Your guides and God place you at a specific level based on how you acted in the physical world. You can either select to work on achieving higher levels and learning “life” lessons in Heaven, or, you can select to reincarnate and go back to Earth and continue to grow and learn those valuable life lessons. Sometimes, individuals even select to become guides or teachers on the other side once they have truly evolved and learned all of life’s lessons.

If you select to go back to Earth, you more than likely won’t be reincarnated into the race, ethnicity, or even gender that you are now. Your body will be different. You may even have a physical disability. But, while you’re on the Other Side getting ready to start your new life, you can select (with the help of your spirit guide) who you become in order to help you learn those life lessons you missed in your previous life. For example, if in your previous life you made fun of individuals with disabilities, you may select to come back in your next life as someone in a wheel chair to help your soul grow and evolve.

It all sounds completely ridiculous, but because I believe in Theresa, I almost feel that what she writes is very real. And if it’s false, I mean, she must have a lot of time on her hands to make up these elaborate stories! And, the book doesn’t stop there! She’s written so much about God and our loved one’s that I’m only half way done with the book and I’ve already learned this much.

However, one thing that I do want to address is in regards to my last post, soul mates. I originally didn’t believe in them, and I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around the concept. But, Theresa says that our loved ones continually live with us in our next lives. So, say you have a husband right now. Your husband will probably be your cousin in your next life. You might have such a deep connection with the cousin he’s become in your next life and not understand it, but that’s because your bond was so crazy great in this one! Theresa used an example that in her previous life, her now daughter was her brother that she saved from a burning building!

Now, you might be thinking, Granny Smith, you’re posts have been pretty great up until this point..why did you have to go and ruin the fun? I know, I know. This isn’t something that everyone likes to talk about and these ideas haven’t existed much before Theresa. But, I find it fascinating and I thought maybe you might too. After all, maybe her words give us something to believe in if we don’t believe already…

As I snuggled in to watch the season premiere of one of my favorite shows last week, Suburgatory, I became surprisingly upset as one of the main characters made her first appearance of the season.

Aliie Grant, the young woman who plays Lisa Shay, looked noticeably thinner than previous seasons. God Damnit, I thought, another ally gone. And it’s not that Allie was ever fat, no, now she just looks like she’s decided not to eat between seasons.

Let me take a step back for a moment. As a woman who is constantly worried about her weight and is considered “plus size” in the fashion world (I’m a size 8, thank you very much), I tend to applaud and favor characters that don’t look anorexic in real life. And let’s face it, there aren’t many women in Hollywood who eat cheeseburgers nowadays…if you know what I mean. Rebel Wilson, Melissa McCarthy, Kirstie Alley, Gabourey Sidibe, I mean, the list is growing shorter by the day. Who can I look at to relate to? And if they were heavier when they started their career, they sure aren’t heavy when they end it. Rebel Wilson has even stated that she’s gotten offers from Weight Watchers to join their program.

So, the real question becomes, why is Hollywood so obsessed with beauty queens? The answer, well, there isn’t just ONE. Last year, I submitted a research paper on women in Hollywood. Unsurprisingly, Hollywood is run by men, and when casting for certain positions, they want young, highly attractive, and thin women to play all of the female roles. Even when it’s a movie or a television series about an older man falling in love with a woman, they want a much younger woman to play his love interest!

Why? It’s because men don’t want to picture themselves having sex with older women, and they don’t want to see it on screen! They want to live out their fantasy and always have this hot, young, object at their fingertips. And if you think I’m wrong, I’d love to send you my paper.

At the end of the day, I’m just so disgusted with the way men and women criticize others (especially women) about their weight or any sort of weight gain. I’ll give you a prominent example. A few years ago, I decided to change my life for the better and start running, weight lifting, and positively changing my body. It got to the point where I was working out for about 90 minutes to two hours a day 5-6 days a week. I was eating A LOT, but working out for that long also prompted me to lose a lot of weight and gain a lot of muscle. About a year ago, I suffered deeply from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It basically became so bad that I didn’t even want to get up in the morning I was so tired. The only exercise I could really do without feeling miserable was yoga. Although yoga is great exercise, it doesn’t exactly provide me with the amount of agility I was used to. So, I ended up losing a lot of the muscle that I gained, and added some of the weight back on.

The point of this story is that during the time in which I was losing the weight and staying thin and muscular, I received SO many compliments from individuals. There wasn’t a day that went by where someone I knew commented on how much I changed, how good I looked, etc. Once some of the weight started to come back on, the compliments stopped. I no longer hear anyone telling me how good I look, or how gorgeous I am. Do I miss it? Sure. But it took more work than what it was worth to keep that body. I’m still trying to maintain good health, but I don’t obsess over the gym aspect of my life anymore.

But, what really needs to happen is a change in the way women view themselves overall. Ladies, please don’t be ashamed of the fact that you ate 5 cookies last night…or every night this week. And please don’t be ashamed of the fact that when you went out with your friends and family, you decided to order that cheeseburger. There is nothing in this world that pisses me off more than predefined gender roles. Women should be able to have that desire to be healthy, but to also eat like a man. And if you’re “man” is disgusted with the fact that you ate just as much as he did last night. Kick his ass to the curb and thank yourself for enjoying that meal!

This past week, I had one of those big “smack you in the face” karma moments…Let me explain.

Since I’ve known the definition of teen pregnancy, I’ve been completely against it. I was also against having sex before marriage for the longest time (and boy am I glad that’s changed). In general, I’ve always frowned upon teenagers and even women in their early 20s getting pregnant. Seriously, just wrap your tool!

And with all of the TV shows nowadays like “16 and pregnant” and “Teen Mom,” young pregnancy has been glorified and presented as a “trend.” I actually heard a story a few years back about a girl that got pregnant at a young age just so that she could audition for “Teen Mom.” Needless to say, she didn’t get the part, and now she’s stuck playing mom without the cameras…what?

And, in my early college years, my roommates favorite TV show was, coincidently, “Teen Mom.” I recall watching it with her and commenting on how stupid all of those girls were. And to this day, my friends and I constantly pick on old classmates from our home town that got pregnant while we were away at school, or right after they graduated college.

So, never in a million years did I think that I would go to the doctor to get a blood pregnancy test. Yes, yes, yes, you might be utterly confused right now, but here’s the deal….I’ve noticed within this past month that my body has been going through some major changes. I’m seeing fat (particularly around my belly area) that has never been there before, and aunt flow hasn’t paid a visit since September. Needless to say, with the constant bloating and missed egg drop, I freaked out. But, before I went to the doctor’s office, I took three home pregnancy tests within three weeks of each other..all negative. I didn’t know what the hell was going on.

Needles to say, the blood test also came back negative. But, I’ll never forget how the doctor’s office made me feel. Coincidently, my mother works at the clinic where I took the test, so registering at the front desk was a bit awkward. The day I took the test, I walked in and Martha was the only woman sitting behind the counter. Now, I knew Martha from the few times that I’ve come for an appointment with my mother, but I also knew that she never remembers who I am.

As I walked up to the counter and gave my last name, a bit of a smile crept across her face. You could tell she was thinking, “Oh, you’re her daughter, how nice.” But, as she opened my chart and saw why I was there, her smile faded. And the way she spoke to me changed. The minute she realized my situation..she wasn’t having it. “Are you in college, or are you employed,” she said with a snarky tone. “Employed..” I whispered. Then, she took down my information and told me to “JUST go downstairs!” I felt like I was in major trouble…like the teacher had caught me talking for the third time in class. I felt so ashamed. I felt like I wasn’t Marsha Brady anymore. I was imperfect because I thought I might be pregnant.

Even when the nurse called to tell me the test was negative, she said, “I’m assuming that’s what you wanted?” Yeesh, thanks for your concern, lady!

So, what did I learn from all of this? You can’t pick on someone if you haven’t been in their shoes. Again, NEVER EVER in a million years did I think I would take a blood pregnancy test. If you’ve ever been in this situation, even if you’re the man and it’s your girlfriend who thinks she’s pregnant, it’s by far one of the scariest times. So many questions run through your head. “If the test comes back positive, what do I do? How do I tell people? What are my next steps?” I mean, what if the girls on “16 and Pregnant” or “Teen Mom” just forgot to take their birth control one day? It happens! We all forget! I actually have a friend who took the morning after pill, and her boyfriend used a condom, and they STILL got pregnant. Not everything works…even if it’s 99.9% effective.

At the end of the day, I think I’m just getting fat because of my desk job…but I definitely know that I won’t be making fun of young moms anytime soon…good grief!

I’ve been in this huge funk recently, and I can’t seem to perk up and realize all of the amazing qualities about myself.

Having only been a member of corporate America for about 4 months, it’s been quite the shift, and both my body and mind haven’t responded as well as I’d hoped.

So, what do you do when life hands you a problem and you don’t know the answer? Consult Google of course!

Below are five things I found that you can do if you’re in a funk:

1) Take Responsibility – Happiness is a choice. If you’re unhappy right now, it’s because of the things you choose to think about. And you have the power to change that instantly.

2) Be Here now – Whenever we’re leaving behind a great chapter of our life, whether it’s our College days, a great relationship, or an amazing trip, we have a tendency to hang on to it. We keep thinking about it, wishing we could go back. This only creates sufferance. The past is gone. Right now is all we’ve got.

3) Surrender to What is – Whenever we’re in a sub-optimal situation, whether it’s being stuck in traffic, or going through a challenging period at work/school, getting upset about it serves no purpose. It’s like trying to argue with reality, with what already is.

4) Stop the Hamster Wheel – Have you ever stopped to think about the sheer number of thoughts that go through your head every day? Thousands and thousands of thoughts. All day, every day. Perhaps it’s because of the fast-paced world we live in, but it seems like we all struggle to slow our mind down. A lot of this thinking is unnecessary… and exhausting!

5) Get out of Your Head and Into the World – In a world where so much happens online, we have to be careful to not neglect the importance of real face-to-face connection.

If you’re going through a tough time, you might feel especially inclined to isolate yourself, but it’s only going to make things worse. Seek the presence of people you love, people who inspire you. And go a step further: Do your best to make them happy! Smile, ask how they’re doing, and help them with their challenges.