News Item: President Obama visiting Japan complimented his host Prime Minister Shinzo Abe on the sushi dinner ... "the best sushi of my life", he averred.

Oh, these humans! ... the most terrible and terrifying creatures on earth. Let me tell you what they did to my sister Carol ... and a similar fate awaits me. Oh, please animal lovers, please rescue me.

What happened to Carol?

Oh this little man with bulging eyes and a greasy-haired pompadour showed up with a tall black man with colossal teeth ... sent shivers down our boneless spines.

Then what happened?

They picked Carol, and the man with the sharp knives started cutting off her arms slicing them into long strips and the men snatched them up with little sticks as she wriggled, dipped her in some black liquid and popped her, I mean slices of her, in their mouths. That's how I said farewell to my sister. I can tell you worse ...

Tell us. Please tell us. We'd like to know ...

Well there was Otto the Octopus. They dropped him in boiling water and as he squeaked and squirmed and wriggled in agony, they chopped off his wriggling tentacles and ate them.

Can anything be worse?

You know there was Craddock the Haddock. They dried him in the sun turning him yellow. And of course Libby the Lobster. She was boiled alive to a bright red.

Worse than the ghastly death by a thousand cuts inflicted by a wolf pack.

Yes. I could go on but I am feeling queasy ... could be my turn any time now ...