Month: January 2016

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 29,000 times in 2015. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 11 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

OK, so we made it through January. Now what? I have done my best to give the fandom something to live for each day!

By the way, this is My Peak Challenge! It’s not easy to think about new ideas each day, you know. I still have to come up with about 90 more. I did get quite a surprise from the Cast and Crew for the 31st day.

I will continue my efforts on behalf of the Church of Heughanology to help the fandom pass time. However, I cannot guarantee the quality. I expect no remuneration, but if you’re ever free again, Sam…..

People, you need to find other things to do (besides that MPC thing) to pass the time! Here’s a few thoughts I came up with for you to do:

1

THE BIGGEST DIFFICULTY IS SELECTING A VOLUNTEER TO COUNT THEM.

2

SHAMELESS GROVELING FOR MY BESTIE, DEB MCGILL

You can make new meals and support our OL casts’ favorite charities. If you haven’t purchased one or more yet, go to @cooklander Proceeds go to @bloodwise_uk @NPHUSA and @wchildcancer. There are all kinds of recipes from Fritters and famous people. I can’t remember who they are because I’m too busy! This is my copy in my kitchen. I don’t cook, but they match (the kitchen and the cookbook).

3

Make a scrapbook. I am currently working on Shirtless Men of History. I only have a few pages done, but here is a sample. It is amazing how many of them posed sans shirt!

4

Watch the first 16 episodes of Outlander backwards.

.sdrawkcab rednaltuO fo sedosipe 61 tsrif eht hctaW

5

Sponsor a Butt Appreciation Party. It could be fun! CAUTION: Your friends could make asses of themselves.

6

Join the Spotted Dick Society. Relax, it’s a dessert. I have been a member for over a year now and I haven’t even had to taste it yet!

7

Find more movies and TV shows Sam and Cait can star in to take our minds off Outlander! Here’s some options:

8

Read non-Diana Gabaldon books about Outlander. Yes, there are other books out there! Here’s some favorites:

JAMIE AND THE VAMPIRE STRUMPETS – WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT THE FRENCH BORDELLO

FRANK RANDALL AND PENIS ENVY- IT’S TIME FOR A (wait…wait) FRANK DISCUSSION

IF THE COSTUME FITS (The story of how Ron D Moore picked his stars for Outlander)

SIBLING RIVALRY – THE MACKENZIE BROTHERS EXPOSED

WAITING FOR OUTLANDER – HOW STARZ PISSED OFF 5,000,000 OUTLANDER FANS (I wrote this one, and it’s on sale at Amazon for $2.99)

Believe me, they’re out there! (If you search for them).

I have given you 8 perfectly good ideas to waste time with during Withoutlander.

I. Roseanne Rosseannadanna, cannot believe what this world is coming to! I received this letter from Mr. Richard Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey. He asks, “Hey, Roseanne Rosannadanna, what’s with these crazy Outlander fans?”

Mr. Feder, You sure do ask a lot of questions for a person from New Jersey.

As my Grandma, Nana Roseannadanna, said, “It’s always something. If it ain’t one thing it’s another!” Now as I understand it, these Outlander fans are angry with Starz for holding up the release of Season 2 until April. It reminds me of when I ran into Princess Lee Radziwill in the toilet at Macy’s. You know her, the classy lady that no one knows what country she’s the Princess of. Anyway, she came out of the stall and had a long piece of toilet paper stuck to the heel of her shoe. And the more she walked , the more the paper got wet and dirty. It was makin’ me sick! I said, “Hey. Lee, are you trying to make me sick? You got a wet, dirty paper stuck to your shoe!”

That damn woman didn’t know I was starting a new fashion trend!

Anyway, uh, where was I? Oh, the Outlander fans, yea, I’ve seen them. They love this series of “historial, sci-fi, romance books” (hint hint….pick one) that Starz turned into a TV Series. There was one fan outside of the Starz TV offices begging them to release Jamie, because he was seasick!

She was crying and had tears dripping off of her chin and a small wad of snot coming out of her nose. I thought I was gonna die!

As my optimistic aunt, Pollyanna Roseannadanna, used to say, “He’s a fictional character. He has no stomach! Get over it!” Are you people nuts?

It appears most of the ruckus centers around the male star of the show. I decided I had to see what all the fuss was about and a friend in the business (my Uncle Carlos Santana Roseannadanna) said he would introduce me to Jamie/Sam Heughan on the set.

Well, ladies, I was not impressed! He was almost naked, except for this bag tied around his dangling participle. (They were filming ANOTHER sex scene). As he turned I saw his butt, but I was distracted by a huge mole on his cheek (face). I thought that must be tough to shave with. No wonder he has this scraggly beard. He shaves around the mole, so he has to match up the other side!

See the ugly mole on his cheek? See how he shaves around it? It’s making me sick!

After I got over the shock of that, I noticed he had the biggest pecs I ever saw! I asked him if they were both the same size. (You know how it is, one always seems bigger than the other or hangs longer than the other.) He said they were even. I asked him if they were real or silicone. (I gave them a squeeze, but they were very hard, so I figured silicone!)

He was very tall. I got a crick in my neck looking up at him. He didn’t even offer to massage it. Even so, I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, could see he had red curly hair! Yuck!

See the difference? Too bad. This guy could be good looking if not for that hair, the mole, and those pecs! I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, know a good looker when I see one.

I mentioned that I saw a church named after Sam on the internet – the Church of Heughanology. He acted like he wasn’t aware. I told him about my religious Cousin, Hosanna Roseannadanna, who was caught drinking the communion wine and making little cucumber sandwiches with the hosts. So, I let him know she was looking for a job and if he had anything open at the church, to let me know. He said, “I’ll check with Norma D.”

See he knew the High Priestess. I’m not bragging, but Roseanne Roseannadanna can tell a brush off when I hear one! I’ve been brushed off by Queen Elizabeth, I’ll have you know.

Well, as usual. they’re trying to cut my part of the program short. I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, who was mentored by Walter Kronkite, know when I’ve overstayed my welcome. My Aunt, the famous appliance heiress, Amana Roseannadanna, says, “When you open the refrigerator and can’t find anything, it’s time to go”.

You know, it’s strange. I found that when I talked to Walter, I kept looking at his mustache. It started to wiggle and I thought it was a caterpillar.

See, it wiggled. I almost died! I don’t know how he lasted so long in the news business! Who could take him seriously?

Anyway, I hope these Outlander fans get some help. That Sam/ Jamie is nothing to get all hot and bothered over, I’m not bragging, but I, Roseanna Roseannadanna, know a hot guy when I see one. (is she trying to convince us?) Take my Cuban Cabana boy cousin, Havana Roseannadanna, now that’s a looker and he comes with cocktails!

No comparison between Havana and Sam/Jamie. Someone just asked if I needed glasses and a new brain!

Besides, April’s not that far away! I’m not bragging, but I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, waited 20 years for a Star Wars sequel. Waiting for Outlander for a less than one year is nothing!

Now don’t start throwing stones (or rocks and giant boulders for the physically fit) when I bring up My Peak Challenge in my own snarky way. After all, it’s not a religion. I’ve certainly smeared the Church of Heughanology from one end of the rainbow to the other. Grab your seatbelt, you’re in for a bumpy ride in my Snarkmobile!

I do agree with the following concepts of My Peak Challenge(as I understand them):

It’s good to be physically fit.

It’s good to set goals (big or small) to be the best person one can be.

It’s good to get involved in My Peak Challenge so we can support the charities that need everyone’s help and are personal favorites of Sam.

It’s good that Sam Heughan supports his fan’s efforts to become more healthy and sets a great example to which they can aspire.

It’s good that she’s a virgin, too!

Having said that, I am remiss if I don’t bring up some salient points. Remember it’s my opinion and my blog!. (Reminds me of a song, ” It’s My Party and I’ll cry if I want to….”)

Let me assure you, I have lost over 1000 pounds in my lifetime and have tried every fitness program there is, except the more recent ones like Zumba or Water Aerobics or Spin Class.

A vision/nightmare just flashed before my eyes of me attending a spin class. Let me share (Warning: it’s not a pretty vision or nightmare):

I climb on the stationary bicycle. The seat disappears as my over abundant ass swallows it up in my cheeks. I start peddling and peddling and peddling until I hit the wall of fitness Nirvana. I go into a trance and picture my feet and legs falling off the peddles, along with every part of me but my heart and lungs. They (my heart and lungs)and the bike continue on, screaming across the finish line to thunderous applause and pee inducing laughter. I only last two minutes on the bike. I’m sure that’s what would happen. But I digress .

My point is if Sam Heughan showed up, at my door and promised to marry me (and have sex) if I got fit, I’d invite him in for some buttered popcorn and a Diet Coke. I’d put my hand on his muscled arm and say, “You foolish boy, you’ve wasted your time on me, but I’m grateful to have met you. I’ll volunteer to be everyone’s “before” picture and I sure will donate to your favorite charity. Can I have your autograph?”

Obviously, I am no suck up, despite being Chief and Only High Priestess of CoH. My point is that even Sam can’t get me out of my easy chair (maybe I’m stuck). I am what I am and I like me.

As I read through some of the fans and their Peak Challenge activities, I became aware that there are categories of MPC fans.

The already physically fit, who share pictures of themselves in those cute Kate Hudson workout clothes or snazzy sportswear for the guys, and love being challenged every day. Sam is a male version of this category. They proudly admit to running a 26 mile triathlon before they even got out of bed! They’re so energetic and,well, just fun! Gag me with a spoon.

Those women who are marginally unfit and need to lose that last 10 pounds to fit in thier size 2 cocktail dress for the class reunion. They exagerate their imperfections, when many others would sell their first born child to fit into a size 4. Hard to get excited for these people. I wonder, if they are raising money for charity, who do they get to pay enough so their donation is significant. I mean $.25 per pound for 10 pounds isn’t going to cut it!

AND I EARNED $2.50 FOR CHARITY!

People who clearly get involved in this so Sam will notice and befriend them. If I can tell the activities they report are fake, do you honestly think Sam can’t? I mean sending out a picture standing in front of a graffiti mountain painted on the side of a 12 story building and acting like you just climbed it, might be a little weak. Now if you climbed the fire escape, I’d be more impressed. I also realize that with the amount of time they spend on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, when do they have time for fitness? I’ve seen people tweet that Sam didn’t even recognize their efforts. REALLY? If you need recognition, just contact me. I’ll take care of your recognition needs!

Those fans who actually get inspired to improve themselves. They’ve failed in the past, but won’t give up. They take “baby steps” (just like Bob) and improve a little each day. These are my heroes and people I truly admire.

Then there’s the rest of us. You know who you are if you’re not one of the other 4 categories.

My Peak Challenge is a worthy program that inspires people to get fit while raising money for charity. However, please remember that it can be stressful to those who cannot participate, whatever their reason. Underneath all of our differences we are still….

My challenge will be to find my checkbook, so I can send in a donation (I suppose I could go on-line, but it seems so lazy.) Maybe If I send Sam some vegetable flavored buttered popcorn, he’ll notice me! Hell no, if he hasn’t noticed me after starting this damn “church” about him, writing 40 postings, and creating 400 Sam memes, popcorn won’t cut it! But ya gotta love the boy, anyway!

Last evening, on Twitter, I was hanging around at one of the many conversations I barge into regularly. Norma D, has a solar powered barge, so it is ecologically friendly and stylish to boot. Prevents me from being thrown out of many conversations!

I have a tendency to drift, and was enticed by several no-gooders, to see how many euphenisms I could come up with for specific male body parts that are South of the Border. (Euphemism #1)

Recognizing that it is important for ladies and gentlemen to use phrases for the male parts that are suitable for mixed company The usual terms arose (no pun intended):

The Skin Flute

Although not made of skin, this instrument has been known to play a tune that will curl your toes.

The Schwartz (Spaceballs)

The Schwartz is strong with this one, I fear.

The Schwanstucker (Young Frankenstein)

Frank and Beans

One Eyed Wonder

Mother Ship of Planet Heughan

Now we were at 7 Euphemisms.

Then my mind began to wander and improvise brand new terms that would be perfectly suitable in polite society.

Dangling Participle

Priapic Paradise

Queen Priapic will be thrilled with our collection!

Gates of Love and Glory

Peters Privates

Private Peter has some Pistol!

Willies Wonkavator

Pubic Poker

Pokers come in many colors, shapes, and sizes.

All Day Sucker aka Slow Poke

Slow is the best kind of poke.

All Season Sausage – original or spicy

Foot Long Fantasy

Wowwhatawillie

Bowchikawowow Weener

Pipemaster

Promised Land

Root of all Evil

I cannot understand a man’s preoccupation with measurement

Roto Rooter

Hanging Gardens of Babylon

The garden speaks for itself.

Coital Compass

Always finds the spot.

Honey Dipper ( goes with Honey Pot)

25 Euphemisms in less than an hour! Whew I need a cigarette and a glass of wine!

Being the Cracklanders that we are, we decided to discuss Outlander appropriate terminology for all sorts of activities not suitable for mixed company discussions.

Corn Grinding; Dougal’s terminology for Making the Water Horse with two backs.

Hey baby, your place or mine?

Cockstand

This is a tricky tactic allowing one to have sex while playing a musical instrument. The stand holds the music.

(At least that’s what Angus told me when I refused to look at his) No picture available.

Claire’s House of Pain and Pleasure

After the wedding night when Claire show Jamie how she plays the bagpipes, She decides to start a new training school. In addition to blowing wind, she taught the manual dexterity needed to become proficient.

Searching for your Wee Herbs

Euphemism Jamie uses for an Afternoon Delight.

I decided after this I had turned into a 12 year old boy. Soon I will be chortling at farts and poop! Oh wait! Too Late, I already am!

What does this say that this is my longest post (no pun intended) so far?