It sounds like they do go to the big team banquet, so they do go to one dinner.

If I read the OP correctly, the one they go to isn't part of the trip--it's an end of year thing after they get home.

I think it is part of the trip. My understanding is that part of the reason she wants to skip the dinner is that it's held at a chain that serves food that she can get in her hometown and she'd prefer to not eat something she can get anywhere when she's in a city that offers more culinary diversity.

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Your daughter is at an age now where she's going to want to spend more time with her peers and less time with you guys. That's normal. That's good. She probably wants to celebrate/commiserate with her teammates. You guys are great and all, but you aren't her peers. You're her parents and that is and always will be a different dynamic. Not to mention any competive thing I was part of, the best stories came from "Remember at dinner, when so and so did XYZ!" if she's not there, she's missing out on those stories and experiences. All the experiences are part of being on a team.

Since she wants to be dropped off, is it possible that there are other kids who parents don't attend the team dinners for any number of reasons? I might check with the coach or another parent and just make sure it's ok. Something like "DD really wants to attend the team dinner by herself this year, you know how independent teenagers can be, is it alright if we drop her off and pick her up when it's over?", yeah, yeah, it blames the kid. But I'm sure it's not terribly far off from the truth. Parents totally crimp your style (salt your game, what have you).

As the parent of a child who was in different sports, I would say for one night you should go as a family to the dinner. Your child is the only team member not coming and that doesn't seem like you are teaching her what being part of the team is about. She wants to go and be part of the group. Yes, it is fun to explore and have family time, but you aren't on vacation, you are there for the team.

OP again- We are not the only family not attending, so I have no worries there. I slso totally get the whole parents are a drag vibe, she's at that age and we try to respect that.

Yes it is technically a team sport but it is all individual events. We are there for 3 full days, though this year it may increase to 4. We attend all other team functions. The main team dinner is held a few weeks after this event.

This particular dinner is simply a casual get together of team families, none of which we are close to. It is mostly made up of the core board member families and there will be pressure on me, as the mom of a senior time swimmer to accept board duties, which I do not want for several reasons.

Because of the time and distance involved, this is our one time a year we get away as a family, so it is our vacation. She swims year around and any leave time is saved for the two or so away meets she qualifies for each year. Maybe we are wrong to treat it as a vacation too, but to support her, that's what we've had to do.

I think we may just let her attend without us. The opinion seems to be that that would be okay. Honestly, even if DH and I went, she would sit as far away from us as possible.

Does your daughter have a friend in the group whose family she could attach to? You could ask the parents - stating that your DH finds big crowds exhausting and needs the evenings to relax in quiet would be a perfectly fine explanation. That way your daughter isn't sitting alone surrounded by a whole bunch of family units (which could be awkward).

I forgot to add that we are one of a very small handful that are at the event the full day for all the days. Most are down for one or two days. 99.9% of the families use this meet as an excuse to shop in city B and do all the things we don't have in our fairly rural area.

So not everyone is even there on team dinner night. That's why us missing it completely isn't a huge deal.

I think that if your DD wants to go, you need to let her go. Individual events or not, she is still a member of the team and these types of things are important to team atmosphere. If your DD is allowed to attend without you, then I think it's probably fine that you don't go. If your DD needs to attend with a parent, then I think that you need to go.

I understand what you're saying about being in the stands all day while other parents shop, etc. But, that is your choice. There's no reason why, if this is your vacation, that you can't take some time away from the meet also and not spend 13 hours in an uncomfortable environment.

At the end of the day, if you don't want to be a board member, just keep politely declining. But, don't make your daughter miss an important (to her) event so that you can avoid an uncomfortable conversation.

Does your daughter have a friend in the group whose family she could attach to? You could ask the parents - stating that your DH finds big crowds exhausting and needs the evenings to relax in quiet would be a perfectly fine explanation. That way your daughter isn't sitting alone surrounded by a whole bunch of family units (which could be awkward).

pod.

Alternatively you can ask one of the other parents if they mind looking after DD at the team dinner since DH wants to take you out on a date that night, and then offer to reciprocate by watching their child another night.

If you do want to send DD to the team dinner by herself, I think it would be a good idea to talk to the coach and make sure that he or she has your cell number and is aware of what will be going on.

I think we may just let her attend without us. The opinion seems to be that that would be okay. Honestly, even if DH and I went, she would sit as far away from us as possible.

See, I was thinking that. Once I was over say...10, if there were other kids my age, we were at one table and the adults were at another. The older we go the further away the tables got. So I was thinking "Would her DD even sit with them if they were there? Wouldn't she just go sit with her teammates and leave the parents to themselves?"

Ya know, while she's at her team function, there is no reason you two can't have a romantic date night together. Somewhere quiet, lit candles, cozy and intimate. Somewhere you might not want to bring a teenager too. Though I can't remember if you mentioned other kids who come along. If so...then that might damper date night (in less you set them up in the hotel with some take out, depending on how old they are).

OP again- We are not the only family not attending, so I have no worries there. I slso totally get the whole parents are a drag vibe, she's at that age and we try to respect that.

Yes it is technically a team sport but it is all individual events. We are there for 3 full days, though this year it may increase to 4. We attend all other team functions. The main team dinner is held a few weeks after this event.

This particular dinner is simply a casual get together of team families, none of which we are close to. It is mostly made up of the core board member families and there will be pressure on me, as the mom of a senior time swimmer to accept board duties, which I do not want for several reasons.

Because of the time and distance involved, this is our one time a year we get away as a family, so it is our vacation. She swims year around and any leave time is saved for the two or so away meets she qualifies for each year. Maybe we are wrong to treat it as a vacation too, but to support her, that's what we've had to do.

I think we may just let her attend without us. The opinion seems to be that that would be okay. Honestly, even if DH and I went, she would sit as far away from us as possible.

You may not be close to them, but they are your DD's teammates. By your own admission, she's wanted to go for years now. Let her go, even if you can't bring yourself to join her and the majority of the others for a less than amazing meal.

I swam competitively for ten years. The events are individual, but the team is very much a team. I would have felt very isolated from my teammates if I had been on a team for five years and couldn't have joined my teammates for the team dinner at the end of this huge event. Even when kids get to the age where parents are dorks, and they can't be away from them enough, it's still special and important for them to have their parents around for this sort of thing.

So dropping her off at the dinner is better than nothing, but I think it would be a lot better if you just went. It's one dinner. Your husband can get time away during the day, can't he? Swimmers swim a few events even over the course of a very long meet. Surely your daughter has long gaps during the day during which she doesn't swim at all.