OLYMPICS

OLYMPICS; Adkins's Tough Choice: Speed or Stable Moods

By JERE LONGMAN

Published: July 20, 2000

SACRAMENTO, July 19—
It could not have been a more perfect moment for Derrick Adkins to win an Olympic gold medal in 1996 in the 400-meter hurdles. He won in Atlanta, where he lived and had attended Georgia Tech. His parents and friends were in the stands and as he carried an American flag on a jubilant victory lap around the Olympic Stadium, cameras flashed like thousands of blinding fireflies.

Four years later, as he attempts to make another Olympic team, Adkins is not the same caliber of hurdler. What no one but his parents and coach knew that celebratory night in 1996 was that Adkins was suffering from severe depression. He had been diagnosed three months earlier, unable to sleep, feeling an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and thinking suicidal thoughts, and had been placed on the antidepressant medication Luvox.

Shortly before the Atlanta Games, without telling anyone, he stopped taking the medication because it left him feeling sedated and fatigued. And when the euphoria of winning a gold medal faded several weeks later, he experienced a depressive episode that led him to drink an entire bottle of wine one evening in Monte Carlo, leaving him hung over and dehydrated and in no condition to run well on the European circuit.

Two days later, in Berlin, he finished third in a hurdles race and lost a chance at what would have been his biggest payday of the season. Carole Adkins remembers watching the race on television, seeing her son fade over the final hurdles then drop to his knees on the track, his head cradled in his arms.

''My heart was pounding,'' she recalled. ''I knew it was depression-related. I called the hotel and Derrick said he was all right, just disappointed.''

But, of course, he was not all right.

''Because of all the excitement of the Olympics, and living in Atlanta, the depression was pretty much drowned out by what was going on,'' Derrick Adkins said. ''Three weeks after the Olympics, my mood sunk dramatically. I started to feel worse than before. I drank a whole bottle of wine one night. I needed something to anesthetize the pain. I also had some problems with drinking prior to the Olympics. It numbs the emotions for a little while.''

By January 1997, Adkins resumed taking his daily medication. Over the last three years, he said, he has felt continued emotional stability, but there has been a tradeoff. His track career has slumped dramatically. An Olympic champion in 1996, he could finish no better than eighth at the 1998 national track and field championships and seventh in 1999. In the summer of 1998, at the Goodwill Games in Uniondale, N.Y., only a few miles from his hometown of Lakeview, he ran before several hundred friends and family members and finished dead last. He nearly quit the sport then, and again during a frustrating season last summer.

He has lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in potential earnings on the track circuit and has been dropped by the shoe company whose apparel he endorsed. Yet he has persevered, and at age 30, he still has hopes of qualifying for the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney, Australia.

Thursday night, Adkins will run the first round of the 400-meter hurdles here at the Olympic track and field trials. His best time of the season, 49.86 seconds, is more than two seconds slower than his personal best of 47.54 run in 1996. On the face of it, he would seem to have no chance of finishing among the top three at the trials and qualifying for the Summer Games in September. However, with permission from his psychiatrist, Adkins again stopped taking Luvox two weeks ago. His training has improved significantly, and he and his coach, Grover Hinsdale, are more encouraged about his chances.

''It's hard to make expectations,'' Hinsdale said. ''For a long time he's been erratic. But based on his last two or three weeks of training, there is a chance he may run well. You never say never.''

Adkins has begun to tell his story in hopes of educating and encouraging others who suffer from depression. Next month, he will self-publish his autobiography, ''Let's All Get High,'' an inspirational book aimed at young adults. The holder of a degree in mechanical engineering from Georgia Tech, Adkins is now studying for a master's degree in divinity at the Atlanta campus of the Christian Life School of Theology. He credits his spirituality and reading of the Bible with helping him pull through his ordeal.

''I honestly think I am going to make the team,'' Adkins said. ''If I didn't think I could, I wouldn't go out there.''

Carole Adkins said she was ''totally against'' the temporary stoppage of medication, worried that her son may again begin to feel wild mood swings. While she supports her son's attempt, she said, ''I think a person's health is far greater than any Olympics.''

Dr. Cassandra Wanzo of Atlanta, the psychiatrist who is treating Derrick Adkins, said she endorsed his decision, knowing the side effects that antidepressant medications can cause. Adkins said Luvox causes tendon and muscle weakness, affects his oxygen-carrying capacity and inhibits the adrenaline rush that athletes use to prepare for races.