Abby and Vivian were goofing off in the kitchen trying to paint a picture for art class.'' NO NO NO MORE PINK AND ORANGE!!!'' screamed Abby loudly.Vivian smiled and always remembered how her friend was rather girly and all she could do was smile at the thought of pink on a winter scene.Vivian laughed and said, '' Really right now you know this is for winter.''Okay i guess we are done then!" Abby smiled her blonde hair tainted with dark blue.Vivian walked outside the cold air was consuming and wonderful as she pushed up her glasses. Suddenly taking it all in she felt something heavy on her head and she lay down it all went blankWaking up in a wonderfully snowy place with white snow eating the area" WHERE AM I " she screamed loudly. At the sound of this strange creatures came behind what looked like white lumps.They were like a cartoon character from an old cartoon she watched called [i] webbets . She almost laughed when there green faces and large circular eyes walked toward her there short stubby bodies coming closer.''QUEEN QUEEN QUEEN''they shouted. she pulled her curly brown under her ears.So I am there queen she thought. This should be enjoyable.

Vivian woke up in a small dimly lit room with needles.Anything BUT needles.She sat up she saw her parents bundled in jackets.She also saw her stepfather.Why was he here.Ever since the divorce my mom started dating Ricky her stepfather.Stepfather.He looked like he would rather be any where else in the world.'' CAN WE HURRY UP ALREADY'' the evil man yelled this so loudly a few nurses came in to quiet him down.' " are you okay?''Asked her dad plaintively."Dad I am fine actually I am better than fine!" She said enthusiastically.'' That's great Vi'' Her mom said.The doctor began talking to her dad and her mom went out and starting kissing him. She shuddered in disgust of this. She imagined her followers her kind and caring followers.She wondered what they were doing if they were okay.Soon at the thought of this she eased herself back to sleep the last thing she heard was the smack of her mom's lip

Last edited by harrypotter15 on Tue Dec 07, 2010 5:51 pm; edited 1 time in total

Abby and Vivian were goofing off in the kitchen trying to paint a picture for art class.

''NO, NO, NO, MORE PINK AND ORANGE!!!'' screamed Abby loudly. Vivian smiled and remembered once again how her friend was rather(weird word choice) girly and all she could do was smile at the thought of pink on a winter scene.

Vivian laughed and said, ''Really? Right now? You know, this is for winter," She added some more color. (Show the passage of time between the last dialouge and the next one somehow) "Okay, I guess we are done then!" Abby smiled, her blonde hair splattered (WORD CHOICE WORD CHOICE) with dark blue. Vivian walked outside, the cold air was consuming (What does this mean? I mean, I know the word, but I don't see how the air could be "eating" Vivian, even if it's a metaphor.) and wonderful as she pushed up her glasses. Suddenly, taking it all in, she felt something heavy on her head and she fell down. It all went blank.

Waking up in a wonderfully snowy place with white snow eating the area (This sentence sounds awkward somehow, you shouldn't mention something is snowy twice in one sentence. And again you have those strange eating metaphors.) "WHERE AM I?!" she screamed (Took away the loudly, the Caps Lock are enough. Remember, show don't tell). At the sound of this, strange creatures came from behind what looked like white lumps. They looked like a cartoon character from an old cartoon she watched called Webbets(What. Don't make pop-culture references that are too obscure, since now I have no idea what they look like. Use a paragraph with description rather than a simile? Also, you used cartoon twice. Say: "they looked like cartoon characters from an old show..." If you really like the simile.) . She almost laughed when their green faces and large circular eyes (Oh, I see. See, now I have an idea what they look like, wheras I didn't a sentence ago. good job.)walked towards her, their short, stubby (???) bodies coming closer.

''QUEEN QUEEN QUEEN'' they shouted. She put her curly brown hair behind her ears. So I am their queen, she thought. This should be enjoyable.

Blue text is advice. Your problems are mostly word choice, literary-wise. Your grammar problems are more plentiful. You are still a wonderful writer, though, and your problems are very subtle.

lol i have horrible day to day grammar lol i need like a grammar book to make sure i don't make mistake considering i have a 94 in it and i sort of agree with yo on my word choice still your writing is as strange as mine

No, no, you're just young. And probably foreign, aren't you portuguese? And 94 is really good!

Your vocabulary is huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge. You have problems with context, using them correctly, and making them sound naturally, though, which is why I say it's your weakness. I have the same problem, it's the logophile's disease.

This chapter was worst than the last. You are, I think, rushing to the exposition without letting the plot develop naturally. Your word choice is a lot better, though, so I'lll let it slide. The one thing I have a big problem with, though, is clarity. I'm not saying that your story should make sense, because as a surrealist writer I'd end up a hypocrite, but I should know what's going on. AGH NO WAIT. THAT MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE. No, no, no, what I'm trying to say is, I should be able to visualize the scene in my head, I should know what the characters are doing. Example, take this:

Random thing I improvized right now wrote:

The water closed around Lili, but she could breathe perfectly. The water around her was like a heavy air, an air that somehow made everything darker. But then, she realized that the pulling sensation underneath her was growing stronger, dragging her by the back back and taking her further from the light that an instinct that had just begn to kick in was telling her was the only way to safety...

Now, if you would excuse the horrible, horrible, writing, I'd like to ask you, does that make sense? No. Can you tell what's going on? Yes, some girl is drowning but not, then being pulled downwards. I don't see that in your story, I have no idea how to summarize it. You need to be more clear, see?

This story is... somewhat weird... but yet awesome!I agree with Makkine.Who wouldn' t? She the only girl I've ever seen with such a way with creation and words at such an age.Love your story HarryPotter15.