Have you ever tried forcing yourself to do something you really really REALLY didn’t want to do?

For example, say hi to someone you aren’t fond of, or make a phone call for your mom, or say “thank you” to the server when you were 4 years old.

For me right now, it’s drinking this glass (more like a styrofoam cup) of H20.

These darn allergies are entirely killing my vibe. I need to hydrate! My throat is extremely dry. But, I’ve had this cup in front of me for about 23 minutes now. As soon as I bring the cup up to my lips and I take, or attempt to take, a sip, my tongue rests at the tip of the cup. It blocks any more water from entering my mouth. And at this rate, I’ve only been taking baby gulps. It’s not like it’s cherry flavored medicine! Why can’t I do this right now?

I know what you’re thinking or might be thinking. Water is amazing. It’s refreshing , it’s good for you, it’s cleansing. I know all this. But right now, I can barely taste anything and therefore my appetite is long gone, so this small task is taking an eternity.

Don’t mind this dramatic rant, I just feel sick, so I am reverting back to a childlike state.

Why is it easy for some people and so extremely painfully difficult for others. If you say “I forgive you,” but still have lingering feelings, have you really forgiven? How do you know when you have actually whole heartedly forgiven someone? It’s not even easy to forget. Forgetting would mean reprogramming your brain to erase the reason why you are upset in the first place.

When people ask for my advice on forgiveness, I say ” tell them to buy a time machine and go back and never do the thing to make you upset in the first place.” Because that is how insanely difficult it is for me to forgive. Am I just being dramatic?

Perspective: I am not an easy person and it is very difficult for me to not only trust, but allow someone to come into my life and occupy space in my heart. So, for me, betrayal feels like someone burned the space they are occupying in my heart that took so long to fill in the first place.

When I feel betrayed or lied to, it literally breaks me for days. I can’t think about anything else. I lose my appetite entirely.

The only time I feel like sleeping is during the day, but I’m an “adult” with a full-time job, so, crashing at my desk at 11 am (because at this point I’m just staring at my computer screen, let’s be real, I’m broken, therefore, I am not capable of functioning in any kind of environment that doesn’t involve me sleeping on my bed underneath pounds of blankets that would isolate me from the entire universe as well as keep the monsters out) would be entirely frowned upon and could possibly lead to disciplinary actions. I’m like that for days.

My heart beats irregularly. My heart literally does not even know how to live anymore. It questions life and tells me “you’re an idiot” and then becomes infuriated with me and I can’t take this because it’s my heart, it’s my life, the point of my existence.

Music: I try to choose a station that will make me feel better. Sad songs will keep me down so I stay away from them. But anything else I put on just becomes louder and louder and it drowns everything else out and it makes my heart beat faster and faster and if I turn the volume down, I hear all work related noises and they grow louder and louder; the phones ringing, co-workers talking, my boss clicking his pen in his office. It’s a lose-lose situation. Eventually the waterworks begin and I’m left sitting at my desk, crying to “Take On Me” by A-Ha. And I feel like an idiot and I’m not sure what any of it means.

That was a bit hard to follow I assume. Bear with me.

On a lighter, side, and completely unrelated note. Bears can’t be unbearable because they’re bears! My cousin told me this joke a million years ago and to this day I still get a kick out of it. Bears.

I’ve been playing around with different themes to find one that “defines” me. It doesn’t help that I have mild anxiety and I started questioning who I am as a person as well as my purpose in life. I unfortunately, don’t know the answer to that question, nor where to find it. But anyways. I decided on a theme called “fictive.” I attached the theme picture below just in case I change my mind later.

As I am typing this “thought,” if you can even call it a thought. Sounds of Silence comes on. This song makes me strangely happy. If that makes sense to you. It also reminds me of my mom for some odd reason. Speaking of, Mother’s Day is this Sunday.

While I am sharing, I must make you aware that I have ADD as well, hence the scatter brain and randomness. Bear with it, you’ll learn to love it. Unless you hate it.

Anyways, back to what I was saying. The chosen theme of the day or while it lasts is below. Still not sure how I feel about it, but it was the only that caught my attention. Maybe the palm tree or the Beachy vibe.