27 Reasons You Should Not Take Back a Cheating Spouse

Nearly one in five married people will cheat on their spouse, with men being more likely to step out than women, according tothe General Social Survey at the National Opinion Research Center. An affair can mean many things — boredom, a lack of trust, anger, sociopathy — but does it automatically mean the end of the marriage? Not necessarily. Many women (and men) have taken back a cheating spouse and gone on to have a loving, happy life together. These situations, however, should be automatic deal-breakers.

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"When the cheating spouse doesn't understand how much devastation he has caused or fails to fully comprehend the gravity of what he has done then reconciliation is impossible. That lack of internalization will make it hard to follow through on the work he needs to do to fix the breach of trust." —Suzy Brown, author, speaker and founder of Midlife Divorce Recovery, LLC

"If the cheating spouse has a 'take it or leave it' attitude to the relationship, it's often ineffective for the injured partner to try to change them. This pattern may constitute as emotional abuse as it completely neglects emotional safety and fairness in the relationship. Feeling that one needs to stay silent or look the other way in order to maintain the relationship is very different from both partners negotiating and agreeing on boundaries that may not be conventional. Cheating is not the same thing as an open marriage!" —Melody Li, licensed couples therapist and relationships specialist

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"Blaming the spouse, the affair partner, or some outside circumstances indicates that she does not accept the fact that she alone made the choice to be unfaithful. Even if there were things that we not right in the relationship, going outside of the relationship is the cheating partner's decision. Without taking full responsibility for her decision to be unfaithful, there is no basis for real closure for the the betrayed partner." —Brown

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"If the cheating partner abused you or anyone else — especially minors, the elderly, or people with disabilities — this is a no go. Using the power of their authority over others for sexual gratification shows deeper issues than just infidelity and is illegal and dangerous. Abuse, whether it's mental, physical or sexual, is a red flag that should not be ignored." —Li

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"If the cheating spouse became pregnant or got their mistress pregnant, it is nearly impossible to reconcile. It's one thing to try and put your relationship back together after an affair. It's entirely another to have to deal with the child and their parent (your spouse's affair partner) in your life forever." —Rhonda Milrad, therapist and founder of Relationup

"If the affair is part of a long pattern of cheating, it's hard to recover from such a deep level of betrayal. Your whole relationship feels like a sham and it's hard, if not impossible, to trust him again." —Milrad

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"Emotional betrayal can be just as much, if not more, painful and difficult to recover from than the physical act of cheating." —Eric Marlowe Garrison, author and clinical sexologist

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"If the cheating partner is hiding things (i.e. deleting texts or emails, not giving you access to their phone or email, not telling you when they last heard from their affair partner, not being honest about where they are or who they are with) then this is a deal-breaker. If there hasn't been a discussion around privacy versus transparency, it will be very difficult to continue to rebuild trust. Also, refusing to be transparent is a way that the cheating partner is showing they are thinking of themselves and not the wellbeing of their partner." —Anita Chlipala, relationship expert and author of First Comes Us: The Busy Couple's Guide to Lasting Love

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"It's one thing to know that your partner cheated with someone else but it's entirely another to have to face that other person on a regular basis through your work, place of worship, children, or school." —Garrison

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"Some cheaters will only confess to what you already know. But as time goes by you keep finding out new information about the cheating — often important details the cheating partner deliberately omitted. Having these 'bombs' continually dropped and not knowing what other information you don't yet know will be repeatedly traumatizing. Many of my clients say it's the lying that hurts more than the actual cheating. If the lying keeps happening, it only makes things much worse." —Chlipala

"When the cheating has lasted a long time, a year or more, it's not an affair, it's a full-blown relationship and life your partner has with someone else. This is a serious breach and there is no going back! You will be haunted by the timeline, all the lies and ways they lied, and how they got away with living a double life for so long. This is the end." —Audrey Hope, celebrity relationship expert

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"If the cheater refuses to go to counseling and talk about what happened then the underlying issue (and there always is one, as infidelity is a symptom) can never be resolved. You can't just sweep infidelity under the rug." —Allison Abrams, a psychotherapist practicing in New York

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"Cheating can be looked at mathematically. Once you can forgive and perhaps look at any part you might have played in the breach; twice you can be almost out the door; but three times? If your partner can't take the new chance(s) that you have given to them, then you are being treated with disrespect and you need to move on. Three strikes and they're out." —Hope

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"This may seem obvious, but the cheater needs to completely sever all ties with the affair partner. If they're unwilling or try to keep small connections, this signifies a person who is straddling the fence and isn't committed to do what is necessary to repair the relationship." —Danine Manette, infidelity expert and author of Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering, and Dealing with Infidelity

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"You should not take back a cheating spouse if your main motivation is to enact revenge or to emotionally torment the cheater for the remainder of their living days. If it is obvious that the relationship cannot be repaired and the betrayed spouse has no interest in attempting to do so then why hang around? Remaining in a relationship for revenge is not only immature but is unhealthy. Instead, try to concentrate on how to make your life better. Remember: The best revenge is living well." —Manette

"If the cheater made excuses to skip family events, your child's activities, or scheduled outings in order to pursue the affair, they are essentially telling you that they put your relationship and your family on the back-burner. This is unacceptable in any relationship and definitely a reason to leave a cheating spouse." —Lori Bizzoco, relationship expert and executive editor of cupidspulse.com

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"The person who got cheated on will feel devastated. They'll be angry and hurt. Their trust will be broken. Part of the healing process is needing to ask all the questions that are necessary for them to understand why the betrayal happened. The person who cheated should answer all these questions. If they can't or won't, walk away." —Jane Greer, Ph.D., marriage and family therapist, sex expert, and author of How Could You Do This to Me?

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"If your best girlfriends, sisters, parents, and close friends are advising against getting back with your ex, there's probably good reason for it. Sometimes it's hard to see things objectively, so take their advice into serious consideration." —Deborah, relationship coach and owner of Singles Bee

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"Your relationship might not last forever, but a sexually transmitted disease could. If he cared so little about your health and wellbeing that he'd give you a potentially life-threatening disease, he's not worth taking back." —Sarah Mandel, a psychotherapist and relationship therapist based out of New Jersey

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"I hate to say this, but he just might not be that into you. Living together isn't the same as being married. When you're living together, even though you may feel like you're in a committed relationship, there wasn't a moment of clarity when he knew you were 'the one' and stood up in front of the world and declared that he loved you more than anyone else. A man will live with, be in a relationship with, and have sex with a woman he knows isn't 'the one' but will still keep looking (and sleeping) around. My advice to you is to move on." —Caroline Madden, a healing infidelity coach and author of Fool Me Once: Should I Take Back My Cheating Husband?

"If he cheated with a friend or family member of yours, it's a deal-breaker. Even though he may have cheated because he was unhappy and unfulfilled, it's an extra layer of deception he knew would hurt you even more. Plus, you'll still have to see their affair partner on a regular basis." —Cathryn Mora, certified relationship coach and creator of LoveSparkME

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"Apologizing is a good start, and it's even better if they took full responsibility for their mistake and feel really bad about it. But many cheaters promise it will never happen again, thinking that their decision to never cheat again will somehow magically prevent them from cheating. They're missing the fact that there is a weak spot somewhere in their self-control and that their defense of your relationship together is lacking. Until they fix the underlying issue that lead them to cheat and take concrete steps to prevent further problems, they are vulnerable to repeating their mistake." —Scott Carroll, M.D., therapist

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"Do not take someone back when they cheated because they were drunk. This is just a terrible excuse – you won't be able to trust your partner while they're out, even if they're just going out with friends. Once alcohol is involved, your partner has shown that they will completely disregard your feelings." —Sameera Sullivan, relationship expert and founder of Lasting Connections

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"The cheating spouse doesn't get to decide when you get over the pain — you do. It's difficult to recover from betrayal. Trust has been broken and, with that, your sense of safety in the relationship. Your spouse must be patient with your healing process and not rush you to 'move on' or 'stop dwelling in the past'." —Rhonda

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"If your cheating spouse has spent all of the family savings on his mistress, there have been breaches in two major areas of one's marriage: monogamy and financial security. It's hard enough to recover from infidelity at all, let alone infidelity in two such significant areas in a relationship." —Yvonne Thomas, Ph.D., a Los Angeles-based psychologist and relationship specialist

"Everyone knew about the affair but you? That's a serious problem. You should not take back a cheating spouse if they flaunted their lover and illicit relationship in public. It's incredibly disrespectful and puts others in an uncomfortable position." —Corri Fetman, matrimonial attorney at Corri Fetman & Associates, Ltd.

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"He or she may have done all the 'right' things and you may still feel hurt and angry. That's okay, you can't rush your heart. You must complete your grieving process before you even think about working it out. If you try to patch things up too quickly, you just end up repressing your anger and pain, which is bad for you emotionally and has even be shown to increase your risk of illness such as heart disease and even cancer. Not everyone can forgive being cheated on. Sometimes you just have to move on for your own mental health even if your partner does everything possible to repair the relationship." —Carroll

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