Friday, February 26, 2010

I mentioned in my last post that one of my old lovers is coming up to visit tonight, taking a break from hiking nearby canyons to visit me, rub me, and go clubbing with me.

We met when I was 18, maybe 19. He was the first man who taught me about sex where there wasn't some sort of use. Sex for the sake of fun, for enjoyment, for the laughter and experience. He was the first man that caught me, helped stop me from impacting into the quickly approaching concrete that would have shattered me into one of those bitter jades.

Now, years later, he's thirty. Maybe thirty-one. Maybe thirty-two. I really don't know. We've kept up our friendship, even though we haven't had any sexual contact in the last five or six years.

Because he's a good man. He's loyal and enthused about life, always supportive and caring. I love his family, his near-blind mother with her heavy German accents and practical approach to life, his father's quick passion for knowledge, and his beautiful sister with her lost, exploratory behavior of men.

I called him to see if he wanted to go out to dinner or stay in and have me cook.

He asked what I was cooking.

Salmon. Salmon sauteed in an artichoke heart sauce, with the artichoke hearts and diced kalamatta olives thrown into the mess of it, with feta cheese tossed on top at the end.

He laughed at me, "Have I ever told you how wonderful, beautiful, sexy, and amazing you are?"

"Not of late, no."

He's good for me, good to me. I'm told that I'm not allowed to be friends with men, certainly not allowed to maintain platonic friendships with those I used to sleep with. I'm not allowed to share a bed with them without touching them in a sexual manner, very much not allowed to cuddle with them, fall asleep with my head on their chest, feeling their warm torso rise and fall beneath me.

But I do.

Because I can. Because I maintain the lifestyle that suits me, the friendships that suit me. There's no reason for me to conform to a way of living because it is what is expected, because there are steps I need to take in order to gain the pre-determined defintion of success.

It does not work that way.

There is more to life, more to interactions between sexes, than what any theory will tell you.

11 comments:

m told that I'm not allowed to be friends with men, certainly not allowed to maintain platonic friendships with those I used to sleep with.

I cannot even imagine not to be platonic friends with my ex-es, even the ones who have hurt me. Once the sexual attraction dies, there still is that special person that you granted access into your life. I will never be able to understand those who feel differently.

I am atheist Jew who gave up drinking for lent, and now I am saying "Amen."

How absurd. But I mean it.

I'm sick of these unnatural rules and their application to human interactions. We are not naturally orderly. We do not naturally adhere to rules, but we do naturally love, and trust, and mistrust and desire.

Male Friend...seems like an oxymoran. The only male friend I have is the one I am seeing, and he would not be too crazy about me having another male for a friend. Most guys are so busy with their jobs, families, other male friends etc. that they dont seem open to just being friends with a woman, unless there is something they aren't getting at home. I am not saying it isnt possible to be friends with men, it just hasn't happened for me that way.

I'm much the same, but I'm sure you've seen within the evo-psych and MRA groups an overwhelming trend towards the belief that men and women cannot simply be friends, especially if they were ever in a sexual relationship at one time.

Social Pathologist,

Eesh, sorry, this post wasn't directed at your earlier comment. It just kinda fell out while I was writing it.

But I think it's better to be vain instead of narrow-minded, if one was given the choice.

Phoenixism,

See, I used to title my posts by lyrics of whatever song I was listening to when I wrote it, but then I got onto a big post-rock kick and, being post-rock, there's no lyrics.

Hence, no title.

You can offer up your titles onto my blog-altar. I might pick one to be sacrificed to the internet.

Hannah,

You were able to communicate my thought so much better than I was, thank you.

If you ever find yourself in LA, you are more than welcome to come over for salmon, feta, and cuddling.

SweetMagnoliya,

I think it's a generation gap, honestly. I could never imagine any of the people I consider "adults" (in relation to myself) being able to maintain a friend of the opposite sex unless it was a coworker. Life is, as you've said, so busy. Families and careers to maintain, children to raise. You can't do it if you're not single and childless.

I'm sure you've seen within the evo-psych and MRA groups an overwhelming trend towards the belief that men and women cannot simply be friends, especially if they were ever in a sexual relationship at one time.

Are you implying I sin against the holy rules of EvoPsych/MRA by being platonic friends with girls I slept with? I will fix that. Be right back.

Jokes aside, no I have not ever read anything to that acclaim. But I sure would be interested in hearing about that. Do you have any links?

Hannah spake: "I am salivating at the thought of salmon with feta, and cuddling."

Why not try it with chevre, lightly crumbled. Sear your fish after marinating. Bring to a low heat, crumble, without squishing, the chevre on top. Turn the heat up a bit - briefly. Sear it as you will. Or sauté it with mushrooms and a little bit of reduced balsamic vinegar and some dill. THEN crumble the cheese on top.Eat. It wants to be eaten and will delight you.

Sometimes I just use a cast iron skillet and put it I n an oven, this way I can actually get the cheese to brown a bit.

Gee... I hunger now.

Poetry: "I'm sure you've seen within the evo-psych and MRA groups an overwhelming trend towards the belief that men and women cannot simply be friends"

Weird, I didn't know this. I'm friends with my ex's, except one.

Evolutionary psychology is interesting. I notice the tendency of many people who grow fascinated with it as lay folk (or with any specific body of scientific theory) to become rigid in how they see the world interacting with this theory.

Often they treat theory as fact outright, and get prissy when people take exception to what are, after all, only theories - albeit in some cases very well supported theories.

Since evo-psych touches on aspects of human behavior with clear political and ideological ramifications, this tendency can be displayed in very emotional ways.

All of us manifest certain tendencies and norms, to be sure, but we rarely fit inside neat boxes. There is a type of mindset that is very uncomfortable unless it can normalize everyone around, and make all fit into certain boxes.

I have sympathy with guys in MRA groups, yes, some guys have bitter chips on their shoulders, but discounting their experiences and worldview is unwise.

In any case, I do notice a tendency in some of these quarters to narrowly look prescriptively at things, and not descriptively. To look at things from how one thinks things ought to be, and not as how they are. ..and a tendency to abhor deviations from a norm. A norm that may be far more nuanced than may seem apparent, on first glance.. and tendencies to want to fit everyone into boxes that may not fit certain people’s natural dispositions. So do you regard people who don't quite fit as pathological? Sick? Well, perhaps in some extremes of behavior, but it’s possible that some people are simply more quirky than the norm, and if the norm is average, do we really want people priding themselves on being average?

It's fairly rare for me to see posts on why men and women cannot be friends, but I've often seen comments (and participated in discussions) where platonic male/female friendship is nearly taboo, not just in having one, but in acknowledging women as worthy of respectful friendship, as well as seeing other women being told that their platonic male friends (even exes) are simply still trying to sleep with them or use them to get to their other female friends. It's always a complicated mass, a lack of true enjoyment of the other person as simply... a person.

Next time I see a posting or a series of comments, I will definitely send you the link.

I think by joking about the rules of the MRA/Evo-Psych/PUA set you are sinning against them. Ten Hail-Roissys for you.

Kamal,

I'm going to have to Google what chevre is. My cooking style tends to be grabbing some sort of meat, grabbing random things that might be good with it, and then praying it works out. Cooking terms are kinda... beyond me. I'll pick up the items you suggested next time I'm shopping, see how it works out.

As I mentioned to 11minutes above, it's rare for me to see posts on the topic of female friends, unless it's a post on how to use your female friends to get laid, how to turn your female friends into lovers, or some other sort of outside motivation than friendship. So many of the MRA guys seem to think women are unworthy of friendship, or require a different, less intense friendship.

I'd never even considered that before, having two different value systems for people based on their sex. With what he put forth, how could you be friends, how could you trust, a woman? She wouldn't be a confidant, a go-to person, someone at your back, like one of your guy friends. She's be different and, in my eyes with what he listed out, unworthy of respect or deep friendship.

This seems to be a common theme, this platonic separation of sexes, making it seem like cross-sexual friendships must have more behind them than simply social enjoyment.

I do wish you would do a post on all that you wrote above, if you haven't already in the past. You've such a clear way of writing, and so often express my own sentiments, that I feel awkward echoing them.

I don't feel bad for the MRA guys, though. They make themselves miserable by wallowing in their anger, then maintaining it within their herd by researching things that support their own views. They treat women a certain way, so then the cycle simply continues... they never bother to look outside more than their own pain an cynicism, likely because it's easier to continue an external prejudice than face the damage and fear within.

acknowledging women as worthy of respectful friendshipEvoPsych sometimes gets misinterpreted by misogynist crackpots. That's a different story. Wagner is not a Nazi composer, just because the Nazis liked his music.

their platonic male friends (even exes) are simply still trying to sleep with themWe both know that there is a lot of truth to that. And it is not just the males. The situation is different for ex-es where the sexual attraction has died.

the rules of the MRA/Evo-Psych/PUAEvo-Psych sets no rules. It is not an ideology. It is an explanatory framework. Think of it as the Copernican world view. It explains a lot of things that seemed weird under different assumptions, but it doesn't tell us what to do.Also, most Evolutionary Psychologist have never heard of PUA. And the only link between these two and MRA is roissy (or some of his readership, to be precise).I will do the Hail-roissys anyway.