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Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Essay Correction 4 (Future Health)

The
standards of people's health will be lower in the coming future than it is now.
To what extent do you agree or disagree.

Introduction
(Original)

By
the advent of globalization and modernization people's healthstandards are changed a lot and will make
great impacts in future also. Eventhough, there are many new strategies to
promote the physical and mental wellbeing of humanity, the health standards of
people are worsend day by day owing to many factors like sedentary life style
and unhealthy practices.

(Please
study these corrections and never repeat them)

·By the advent (preposition): ‘with
the advent’ is better

·Health standards are changed (grammar
error): health standards have changed. (This is a very common grammatical
error that you make. Please be very careful.)

·A lot (wrong register (informal
expression)): Other words that can be used are ‘a great
deal’, ‘greatly’, ‘enormously’, ‘substantially’ (‘A lot’ is not very informal,
but ‘semi formal’. Since there are many other options, please use them.Another informal usage is ‘plenty of’.)

·Make a great impact (wrong
collocation): have a great impact

·Also: (inappropriate vocabulary): Do
not use ‘also’ in the end. ‘Too’ and ‘as well’ are more appropriate.

·Are worsened (grammar error):
have worsened (since you have used ‘day by day’ it should be ‘are worsening’.)

Introduction
(Corrected)

With
the advent of globalization and modernization people's health standards have
changed a great deal and this will have a great impact in future too.
Even though there are many new
strategies to promote the physical and psychological wellbeing of
humanity, the health standards of people are worsening day by day, owing
to many factors like sedentary life style and unhealthy practices.

(Although
you have tried to state your position in the introduction is not very clear
here.Therefore I have changed the
introduction in this way.)

Introduction
(improved)

With
the advent of globalization and modernization people's health standards have
changed a great deal. Even
though there are many new strategies to promote the physical and psychological
wellbeing of humanity, the general health of people are worsening
day by day, owing to many factors like sedentary life style and unhealthy
practices. In my view, this trend is likely to continue in the future.

First
body paragraph (original)

To
commence, the wholesome of people has been declined by several reasons. As the countdown of advanced technology, the
life of humankind has became more materialistic and sophisticated, which paves
the way to sedentary life style. As a result, people are more prone health
risks. In other words, the ever increasing incidence of heart diseases,
diabetic mellitus and other life style related diseases shows that people's
health are deteriorated and will become bad in future also.

First
body paragraph (Corrected)

To
begin with, the health of the people has declined due several reasons. As a result of advanced technology, human life
has become more comfortable and materialistic, which has paved the way for a
sedentary life style. As a result,
people are more prone to greater health risks. For instance, the ever increasing incidence of
heart diseases, diabetic mellitus and other life style related illnesses show
that people's health has deteriorated and will become worse in the future.

Second
body paragraph (original)

By analysing both points, although our new generation
is aware about proper health care management, they show inclination to unhealthy
habits like smoking, drinking and poor dietary pattern. Meanwhile, it increases
the occurance of some other diseases like cancer and hypertension and also
augment the mortality and morbidity rates. In addition to that, the current
stressful working environment and education system will deterimentally
influence the mental health of a person anddegrade both mental and physical health and also generate stress related
healthy ailments in coming years.

Second
body paragraph (corrected)

Moreover,
the present generation has greater inclination towards unhealthy habits like
smoking, drinking and unhealthy dietary pattern and this trend is not expected
to change in the future. Such habits can
increase the occurrence of certain diseases like cancer and hypertension which
can lead to the deterioration the morbidity standards. In addition, the current stressful work environment
and highly competitive education system are likely to influence the emotional
health of people negatively, which would lead to stress related ailments in the
coming years.

Opposing
Paragraph (Original)

On the other hand, the provision of three dimensional
health care services such as, preventive, promotive and rehabilitative care
will improve the health standards of people. It has reduced the prevalance of
many communicable diseases. For example, the hygienic practices like drinking
water sanitation, hand washing and pasteurization of milk has decreased the
incidence of food borne diseases like cholera and tyhoid. Likewise there are
many programmes to improve health awareness among society which will be mould a
healthy generation in coming recent years.

Opposing
Paragraph (corrected)

On
the other hand, there is an opposing view that the development of modern health
care system, such as the provision of three dimensional health care services of
preventive, promotive and rehabilitative care would improve the health
standards of people. It has already reduced
the prevalence of many communicable diseases. To be clear, the hygienic practices like
drinking water sanitation, hand washing and pasteurization of milk has
decreased the incidence of food borne diseases like cholera and typhoid. Likewise, there are many programmes to improve
health awareness of the society which is expected to mould a healthier
generation in the coming recent years.

Conclusion
(Original)

To conclude, nowadays,there are many measures to improve health standards of people but
current lifestyle and unhealthy practices of man despite of its negative
influences will deteriorate the health status of people than it is now.

Conclusion
(corrected)

To
conclude, nowadays,there are many
measures to improve health standards of people but the current lifestyle and
unhealthy practices of man would worsen the health status of people than it is
now.

You
have not followed the following basic conditions of the IELTS essay:

·There is no proper editing of the essay.

·Paragraphing is improper.

·Within paragraphs organising of ideas is
not proper.

·Even spelling mistakes are there.

Please
note the following points:

·Every supporting paragraph must have a
topic sentence and an example.

·Opposing paragraph need not have examples
and you just need to show the points.

·If you want you can explain the topic
sentence with an additional sentence.It
is better not to write more than two sentences before you write the example.

·At the end of the opposing paragraph you
are expected to come back to your original position by refuting the arguments
in that paragraph.You can use another
paragraph to do that or expand the conclusion to refute the opposite idea.

Please
take care of these things when you write the next essay.If you don’t do it, I will send the essay
back to you for correction.

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