Wednesday, January 07, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The FBI says it doesn’t need warrants to spy on people using their cellphones in public. Which is good, because everyone knows that terrorists love to go to the park to post their latest plans on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

A study says the odds of having a stroke have risen sharply for young people. Especially the ones who are just graduating college and go to the mailbox to get their first round of job rejections along with the monthly balance for their student loans.

Cuba has released 53 people the U.S. considers political prisoners. Which is the only kind of criminal they have there because it’s not like anyone there has anything of value that anyone would want to steal.

CNBC says it will stop using Nielsen for ratings. Mostly because anyone who has followed Jim Cramer’s advice on investing had to pawn their TV set years ago.

CNBC says it will stop using Nielsen for ratings. Although it is interesting to see that the only way anyone was able to get lower ratings than NBC was by putting a “C” in front.

CNBC says it will stop using Nielsen for ratings. Which is about as much overkill as having a tourism board for the state of New Jersey.

The Syfy show “12 Monkeys” will be able to control the lighting during the show in some homes. Mostly for people who want all their lights out so no one knows they are at home watching the Syfy Channel.

Mercedes Benz has unveiled a self-driving car that will be available in 2030. Or as Mercedes Benz owners have called that for years, having a chauffeur.

The Youth Misery Index has reached a new record high. Mostly because over the years the worst thing for young people to worry about has gone from getting wedgies to having a college degree and only being able to find work at a 7-Eleven.

Questions about ethics are being raised after Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones paid for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s trip to last week’s playoff game. The trip didn’t really get into big money until Christie saw the owner’s box had its own buffet table.

Former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell has been sentenced to two years in prison for corruption. As opposed to most governors who find their sentence for corruption is usually being reelected for four years.

Data from smartphones can be used to tell if the user is depressed. Mostly as a result of not having any friends or having any interaction with other people because of staring at their smartphone screen all day.

Hawaii has broken record cold temperatures that have stood for 122 years. It was so cold on the islands that people were actually seen ordering Mai Tais with no ice.

Hawaii has broken record cold temperatures that have stood for 122 years. Instead of grass skirts, Hula dancers were wearing outfits made from ice plant.

Hawaii has broken record cold temperatures that have stood for 122 years. It was so cold, some people were actually able to play golf without putting on sunscreen.

A report says that U.S. drones along the Mexican border are mostly grounded and have been ineffective. Which means they are picking up right where the Border Patrol agents left off.

The U.S. Naval Observatory says it will be adding a leap second on June 30th. The only bad news is that the extra second will allow the U.S. to go another $100 Billion into debt for 2015.

The U.S. Naval Observatory says it will be adding a leap second on June 30th. That means that people now in their 50s will have to put off their retirement plans until they are 90 years old and one second.

The U.S. Naval Observatory says it will be adding a leap second on June 30th because the Earth has slowed down. How fat are we getting the extra weight is causing the entire planet to run behind schedule?

The more than 100 McDonald’s franchises in Venezuela have run out of french fries because of a contract dispute with a supplier. Which means fast food workers are now forced to say “You will have nothing with that!”

Police on a JetBlue plane were able to stop a woman who became suicidal during a flight. Apparently she was trying to starve herself to death by not eating anything the entire three days the plane was on the tarmac waiting to take off.

A Revolutionary War time capsule dating back to 1795 and buried by Paul Revere and Samuel Adams was opened in Boston. Inside was a paper saying that Boston was a nice place but traffic was becoming a real pain.

A Revolutionary War time capsule dating back to 1795 and buried by Paul Revere and Samuel Adams was opened in Boston. Inside was a newspaper that featured an article about how close they were to finally starting the Big Dig.

A Revolutionary War time capsule dating back to 1795 and buried by Paul Revere and Samuel Adams was opened in Boston. The Revolutionary War was the only time in Boston history that it was actually acceptable to be a Yankee fan.

Jeb Bush delivered a Facebook message that many saw as a signal towards a run for the White House. Mostly because it was the only post on Facebook that dealt with money and ideas and not just pictures of breakfast and cat videos.

The fired CEO of SeaWorld was given a severance package worth $2.6 Million. The only problem is that half of it is to be delivered to his house in the form of buckets of raw fish.

Downton Abbey finished the year as the highest rated drama on PBS. It centers around a wealthy family and their conflicts. In other words, it’s like “The Kardashians” for people who can actually read.

Data says there were 120 air crashes in 2014, the lowest number since 1927. Coincidentally, United Airlines had as many scheduled flights not be canceled and make it to their destination as they did in 1927.

The new Sony Walkman costs more than $1,100. More than a thousand dollars to listen to music? If that’s they way they run their business, let the North Koreans hack away.

A report says that it is now easier to get into law school than ever before with low test scores. Apparently people are applying with low scores figuring if those people on the Supreme Court all have law degrees, how hard can it be?

A study says eating a bowl of oatmeal every day may be a key to a longer life. Although who wants to live longer if it involves eating oatmeal all the time?

A report names the DASH diet the best of the year. Which is not to be confused with eating at Taco Bell and having to immediately dash to the bathroom.

A study says that Americans are eating more than usual after the holidays. The worst part is now most people consider the “holidays” the stretch of time from New Year’s Day to Christmas.

A study says that Americans are eating more than usual after the holidays. Apparently once you build up that momentum of eating everything in sight for six straight weeks it isn’t easy to slow down.

A study says that weight loss surgery may extend lives. Especially the lives of the people who are fallen on by the patients who had the surgery.

A study says that weight loss surgery may extend lives. More than likely it will just extend the amount of time the patients can go back to spending on all their meals.

The CDC says that alcohol poisoning kills six Americans a day, mostly middle aged men. The good news is that for anyone drinking Coors Light, before they could drink enough to suffer alcohol poisoning they would have a much better chance of drowning.

The CDC says that alcohol poisoning kills six Americans a day, mostly middle aged men. The most likely to die are people watching “The Kardashians” while drinking a shot every time they take a close up of Kim’s backside.

Charlie Sheen ripped Kim Kardashian, calling her “selfish” for not giving an autograph to the daughter of a friend. There is no excuse for that. How difficult can it be to scrawl an “X” on a bar napkin?

Charlie Sheen ripped Kim Kardashian, calling her “selfish” for not giving an autograph to the daughter of a friend. Her family needs to be worried. Anyone else who has ever been called out by Charlie Sheen was immediately taken captive for an intervention.

Gilbert Gottfried was fired by Donald Trump on “Celebrity Apprentice.” Viewers were stunned. Since when has anyone considered Gilbert Gottfried a celebrity?

Russell Crowe told Hollywood women they need to act their age. Which confused Cher who is asking if that means she has to act the age of her nose, breasts or tummy?

Russell Crowe told Hollywood women they need to act their age. Which works fine for Lindsay Lohan, as long as she can convince everyone she is still 7.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says that Philadelphia fans are the “worst in America.” Although that isn’t fair. No one will know how good or bad the Miami Marlins fans are until some actually show up at a game.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says that Philadelphia fans are the “worst in America.” The best fans are Oakland Raiders fans who take their lives into their hands every time they go to a game and sit with 50,000 other Raiders fans.

Jameis Winston says he is “seriously considering” staying at Florida State for another year. Meaning his draft value went down the toilet after getting hammered by Oregon last week 59-20.

Jameis Winston says he is “seriously considering” staying at Florida State for another year. Apparently it took just two words to convince him maybe the NFL wasn’t such a good idea. Johnny Manziel.

Urbana, Ohio temporarily changed its name to “Urban” to honor Ohio State Football coach Urban Meyer. At least it was nice for once to have an area in Ohio that is actually considered “urban.”

Urbana, Ohio temporarily changed its name to “Urban” to honor Ohio State Football coach Urban Meyer. And anything below ground level in the town is now considered “suburban.”

Clemson punter Bradley Pinion has decided to declare early for the NFL draft. When it came to deciding on an education or a pro career, he decided to punt.

Clemson punter Bradley Pinion has decided to declare early for the NFL draft. Experts say he could go sometime between the draft selections of two members of the Clemson Chess Team and the high finisher in the Clemson Debate Club Championships.

A report says that Twitter is considering buying Yahoo. The most common reaction on Twitter used way less than the allowable 140 characters. “Why?”

The use of shopping apps was up 174% over last year. Mostly from people still hospitalized from their injuries sustained on Black Friday 2013.

A wearable device designed by Toshiba will tell people about how well they slept. Which for most people isn’t very well because of all the tossing and turning from having a wearable device stuck on their body all night.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid laments being injured while exercising and not boxing. Although at this point the only Senator who is still actually a Boxer is Barbara.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! People all across the country are feeling the bitter cold outdoors from an arctic outbreak. Or as anyone under 30 is saying, “What’s outdoors?” Just two more months until Spring Training and another month after that until the Masters and the world will be right again. The cold never really bothers me. I spent five years in Syracuse, NY where 50 degrees gets people talking about global warming. I never get cold, especially when all of you out there keep me warm by remembering to send the love!