It's the little things about Jane's mother that annoy me. For instance, I have a favorite easy chair I love to sit in after dinner. And in the four months she's been with us, Jane's mother had to pick that chair to sit in every night. I'll admit she does it fairly - she races me for it . . . And every time I pay two-eighty to place. Of course there are various ways I could get rid of my mother-in-law, and I'd have my chair back. I've thought 'em all over. First there's -

SOUND:

TWO SHOTS

ACE:

Then of course, there's -

SOUND:

STRANGLING . . . BODY FALLS

ACE:

Then there's a dandy -

SOUND:

SPLASH OF WATER . . . GURGLING SOUND

ACE:

I could get rid of her in any one of those ways, and I'd be sure to get the chair. But last week I hit upon a really diabolical scheme - and much safer. It began one night after dinner when we were in the living room. Jane was sitting at the desk writing a letter, I was standing in the middle of the room reading the evening paper, just for spite, and Mother was sitting in my easy chair, doodling.

MOTHER:

(SINGS) Doodle, de do, doodle de do, doodle de do, doodle de do -

ACE:

Mother - Mother - Mother, dear!

MOTHER:

Yes?

ACE:

(SOFTLY) Shut up!

JANE:

Dear! Don't you lower your voice to my mother.

ACE:

Jane, does she have to sit there in my chair, singing our song?

JANE:

But dear, she's only doodling what comes naturally.

MOTHER:

Please, Janie, don't argue on my account - after all this is his house; I'm only a stranger here. I never interfere with your privacy or comfort.

ACE:

Smile when you say that, stranger.

JANE:

Oh Mother, you know we want you to be happy. We can all be happy.

MOTHER:

Happy. If it makes you happy to be happy, you be happy. Like your late father used to say, Janie - he was such a philosopher - he used to say, "What is happiness?" And I used to tell him, "Happiness is when your children grow up, and get married to a nice man who can take care of a poor mother in her declining years, and not make her feel she is a stranger and a burden, and look after her in sickness and in bad health - that's what happiness is" I used to tell your late father.

ACE:

He was some philosopher.

MOTHER:

He used to say, "What is life?" And I used to tell him, "Life is when your children grow up, and get married to a nice man who can take care of a poor mother in her declining years - "

ACE:

Jane, there's a basketball game tonight - I got two tickets - let's you and I go.

JANE:

Basketball?

MOTHER:

And when the children go out someplace they take the old mother with them -

ACE:

It's a big national basketball tournament - the best teams in the country are there.

JANE:

Oh, that sounds exciting.

MOTHER:

Even an old mother would like a little excitement once in a while. After all it's only a matter of time till the old parents go upstairs to the Last Basketball Game of Them All.

ACE:

Oh, no -

MOTHER:

After all I've never seen a basketball game. Who knows if I'll even like it up there.

Oh, by myself, I'll be fine. If a burglar breaks into the house - well it doesn't matter. Of course it'll be a big shock -

ACE:

He'll get over it - come on, Jane, let's go to the game.

JANE:

Mother - will you promise to go to sleep early?

MOTHER:

Sleep? - I haven't slept since I was eighteen years old. But it's all right. I'll make up some Ovaltine. I know how to light the gas stove, so if it explodes and blows up the house, I'll get to go out after all.

ACE:

When you circle Madison Square Garden, buzz us.

JANE:

Oh, Mother, you're always so pessimistic, why don't you be more of an optician.

MOTHER:

Janie, I don't want you to worry. As soon as something happens, they'll notify you on the loudspeaker at the basketball game, between innings.

ACE:

Yes, you're having your innings, all right.

MOTHER:

You can always come down to the hospital and identity me. But if it's a close game, don't leave on my account. A few minutes won't make any difference - it'll be too late anyway. So go ahead - enjoy yourselves, have a good time.

ACE:

All right, Jane, come on, let's go.

JANE:

Oh dear, I couldn't go now. I'd never enjoy the game with Mother flying all over New York - I couldn't enjoy it. I don't care how many home runs we see.

ACE:

All right - Look: here are two tickets - you and your mother go. I'll stay here.

MOTHER:

Come on, Janie, get your coat - let's go.

JANE:

But what about you, dear?

ACE:

Oh I don't wanta be a bother, if I'm gonna be a bother, don't bother.

MOTHER:

Come on, Janie - let's go.

JANE:

But will you be all right here by yourself?

ACE:

Oh, I'll be fine by myself. But if a gorgeous blonde walks in - oh well -

JANE:

A blonde?

ACE:

It's all right, Janie. They'll notify you between chuckers at the game and you can come down and identify me at the Copacabana . . . So enjoy yourself, have a good time.

That was the night I reached the end of my rope . . . rope - say, I hadn't thought of that one. Naw, that's no good; besides she has no neck. But the next morning at the office was when I got that really clever, diabolical scheme. One of the fellows who works at the office with me - Charlie Harris - Charlie happened to drop in for a minute.

CHARLIE:

What a basketball game last night, huh, Mr. Ace?

ACE:

I understand it was.

CHARLIE:

You understand it was? You had two seats for it.

ACE:

Yes, I did. But I didn't go. How did you like the game?

CHARLIE:

Well, as a matter of fact, I didn't go, either.

ACE:

You had two tickets, didn't you?

CHARLIE:

Yeh, but I couldn't make it last night. My wife's father is living with us now, and my wife didn't wanta leave him alone.

ACE:

That's what happened with me. Only it's my wife's mother.

CHARLIE:

We don't get to go any place since he came to live with us. He's a widower and -

ACE:

Same thing at our house. She's a widow. We don't go any place since she came to live with us.

CHARLIE:

What a bother!

ACE:

Yeh - what a bother! . . .

(PAUSE)

BOTH:

Say, that's an idea . . . What were you about to say? . . . No, no you go ahead.

ACE:

Well I was only gonna say -

CHARLIE:

Me too.

ACE:

You mean?

CHARLIE:

Why not?

ACE:

How old is your father-in-law?

CHARLIE:

He doesn't look a day over sixty. How old is your mother-in-law?

ACE:

Over fourteen.

CHARLIE:

What?

ACE:

I mean she's in great shape - spry as a colt, eats like a horse.

CHARLIE:

How tall is she?

ACE:

Oh, about nineteen hands.

CHARLIE:

Great - my father-in-law likes tall women.

ACE:

Not that it matters, but is your father-in-law in good shape?

CHARLIE:

He's got a strong constitution.

ACE:

Constitution - you should see my mother-in-law - skin like parchment. You can see Guionette right on her button.

CHARLIE:

Well, what are we waiting for?

ACE:

How about tonight?

CHARLIE:

OK, he'll be there at eight o'clock if I have to wheel him over myself.

ACE:

Great.

CHARLIE:

Be sure your mother-in-law's there, and we'll put 'em both together.

ACE:

You put your father-in-law together. By the time he gets there, I'll have my mother-in-law fully assembled.

CHARLIE:

See you in church.

ACE:

Yeh -

BOTH:

(SING) Wedding March

MUSIC BRIDGE:

MENDELSSOHN'S WEDDING MARCH

ACE:

Well I had thought of everything else - drowning, strangling, hanging, but now I really had it: shotgun. I rushed home early from the office and told Jane the good news. Jane was tickled to death.

JANE:

Hahah. Dear, stop tickling me.

ACE:

Jane, this is it - we've solved the problem. Eureka!

JANE:

I do? It must be this new cologne I put on today -

ACE:

Get your mother in here and let's talk her into it.

JANE:

Mother married. Gee, I never thought of that. But it's a wonderful idea - I think every mother should he married.

ACE:

Will you call her in? The guy is coming at eight o'clock.

JANE:

What kind of a man is he?

ACE:

A living man. What kind of a question is that? Call her in.

JANE:

Mother!

MOTHER:

(OFF) Yes, Janie.

JANE:

Mother can you come in here a minute?

MOTHER:

(OFF) I'll he right in, Janie.

ACE:

Better let me tell her, Jane.

JANE:

No dear, I wanta tell her. After all she's my mother, my own flesh and bones.

(DOOR OPENS)

MOTHER:

Did you wanta see me, Janie? There were some sparrows on the window sill in my room, I was going to feed them a little honey.

JANE:

Come in, Mother, that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about - about the birds and the bees.

ACE:

Oh, no - tell her bluntly. Mother, you're having a gentleman caller tonight.

MOTHER:

Gentleman caller?

ACE:

Yes, he wants to get married.

MOTHER:

If it makes him happy to get married, let him be happy.

JANE:

But Mother, he wants to get married to you.

MOTHER:

To me! Over my dead body.

ACE:

Yes, we know.

JANE:

Isn't it wonderful, Mother? We'll get you a new torso.

ACE:

That I'd like to see.

JANE:

After all, Mother, a woman is only young once in a while. Love makes the world go round together.

MOTHER:

But, Janie, I don't even know him, much less love him.

JANE:

Oh love - that comes later. Like when I got married. Remember, dear?

ACE:

Jane - get to the point.

JANE:

When we first got married we were in love, then we became friends, and now we're buddies.

ACE:

Look, buddy -

MOTHER:

But Janie, who is this man?

JANE:

He's living. Isn't it exciting, Mother - can't you just smell the rice and old shoes?

MOTHER:

That's a piece of liver I put on the stove for my dinner.

JANE:

Oh Mother, can't you get interested in him -

MOTHER:

Janie, when your late father was alive . . .

ACE:

Look, Mother, let's don't go back to the past. Think of your future.

JANE:

Yes, and think of the presents.

MOTHER:

But a strange man, that I've never even met - I wouldn't even know how to go about it - it's been so long since I even looked at another man -

JANE:

Mother, it's always the same. Love doesn't change. Because when two lovers woo, they still say I love you - you can rely on that - because as time goes by, moonlight and love songs are never out of date - hearts full of passion, jealousy and uh -

ACE:

Hate.

JANE:

Hate. Woman needs man and man must have his mate, that no one can deny - it's still the same old story, a fight for - does this sound familiar to you, dear?

ACE:

Play it again, Sam.

MUSIC BRIDGE:

AS TIME GOES BY

ACE:

Jane, of course, wasn't satisfied to let well enough alone, she had to play stup - cupid. That night while we were waiting for the old gentleman to come over, she started making with the counter plots. She was the captain in charge of the attack; zero hour had arrived. It was M-Day.

JANE:

Mother - this is it. Gather around everybody - you too, dear.

ACE:

Yes sir.

JANE:

Everybody has a job to do, and if we pull together this'll be our clowning achievement. I don't want any slipups. Are you ready?

ACE:

Synchronize your watches.

JANE:

Mother, when he gets here, you be sitting on the couch, reading a book and smoking a cigarette with your legs crossed . . .

ACE:

Neatest trick of the week.

JANE:

And Mother, pull yourself in - look slim. And as for you -

ACE:

Sir, could I have a furlough?

JANE:

After that big dinner?

ACE:

Sorry, Sir.

JANE:

When he gets here, you'll wait till you get a signal from me, and you'll go up the corner drug store and telephone this number. And ask for Mother.

MOTHER:

For me, Janie?

JANE:

That's right Mother. He's gonna act like another man's calling you - and asking you for a date.

MOTHER:

Him? He's not my type, Janie.

ACE:

I'm not your type -

JANE:

Please, Mother - after all, in order to get a man these days a girl's gotta play hard to take.

ACE:

And she is -

JANE:

By the time we finish with this man tonight, Mother, you'll be going steady with him.

MOTHER:

Oh, Janie, the way I shake all the time, how can I go steady?

JANE:

So when he goes to the corner and calls you up, this man'll see that a lot of men are trying to take you out - that you're not a wallpaper -

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

ACE:

There he is - this is it - everybody into their fox holes. I'll let him in.

Yes you can. Get me some bicarbonate. Always take a spoonful of bicarbonate after dinner.

MOTHER:

I always take two spoonfuls.

WILSON:

I used to take a heaping tablespoonful.

JANE:

Well, I guess I better go if you two are gonna sit here spooning.

WILSON:

(COUGHS)

MOTHER:

What are you taking for that cough, Georgie?

WILSON:

Pretty good one, isn't it?

MOTHER:

I got a wonderful home remedy cough. My mother used it till the day she died. And my brother, rest his soul, swore by it. And an uncle of mine used it all the time and never had a sick day in his life, may he rest in peace. But my stubborn old grandmother wouldn't use it at all - and she suffered all through her ninety-five years.

Well, all right, I got two tickets to the theater - and after that reservations at the Stork Club.

JANE:

Stork Club?

ACE:

And then I thought we'd drop in at the Copacabana - got a hot rumba band there.

JANE:

Rumba band - yes -

ACE:

And maybe stop in at Twenty-One for a late snack - wonderful food there - pretty expensive, but I don't care.

JANE:

You don't? Well, Mother can't make it - but I can. I'll be down in a few minutes. Wait for me.

ACE:

Oh no, Jane - what are you doing?

MUSIC BRIDGE

ACE:

Getting Jane's mother married off, turned out to be quite a project. It wasn't exactly love at first sight, because neither she nor Mr. Wilson could see. After all this wasn't exactly adolescent love, it was more convalescent love. In a week, though, Mother was wearing his picture in her locket - it was an X-ray . . . he has a beautiful appendix. I was quite happy about the thing, but one night, I awoke to find Jane pacing the floor -

JANE:

Dear, do you know it's nearly one o'clock, and they're not back yet.

ACE:

So what?

JANE:

So what? Oh where are our parents tonight?

ACE:

They went to a movie - and probably stopped to have a bite at a restaurant.

JANE:

Are these our Child's?

ACE:

Oh, stop, Jane - you're getting hysterical.

JANE:

That's the thanks you get from parents - staying out till all hours of the night - worrying their children - sometimes I don't think it's worth having them.

ACE:

Jane, they're just in a restaurant. Aren't you getting a little excited over nothing? Come back to sleep.

JANE:

Sleep. I've been sound awake all night. Turning and tossing - first heads, then tails. I've gotta have a talk with Mother.

ACE:

Man to man.

(SOUND OF KEY IN DOOR AND DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

JANE:

Yes.

ACE:

Look, I don't think -

JANE:

Oh here she is - is that you, Mother?

MOTHER:

(OFF) Yes, Janie.

JANE:

Well it's about time you got home - where have you been?

MOTHER:

Georgie and I went to the theater.

JANE:

Theater - what theater stays open so late?

MOTHER:

The amphitheater over at the hospital.

ACE:

Oh, great . . .

JANE:

What theater did she say - I didn't get it -

ACE:

She's been over at the hospital sitting in the amphitheater watching the doctors operate.

MOTHER:

They had a double feature tonight: appendix and tonsillitis.

ACE:

No shorts?

MOTHER:

Well they did shorten one fellow's nose but that wasn't very exciting.

JANE:

Doesn't he ever take you to any movies?

MOTHER:

Well, we went once, but you see Georgie can't hear well and he has to sit up close - and of course I'm far-sighted and I have to sit way back - and it gets very tiresome running up and down the aisle to hold hands.

JANE:

Mother, we have to have a talk.

ACE:

Not now, Jane, it's late. Let's go to sleep.

JANE:

I can't sleep until I find out what's going on here. Mother, has Mr. Wilson said anything about his intentions?

MOTHER:

What do you mean intentions, Janie?

JANE:

Mother, do I have to draw a bluepoint for you?

ACE:

Yes, mother, don't clam up.

JANE:

Dear, let me handle this. Mother, maybe you're satisfied to run around like this helter shelter every night - but not me. After all Mother, it's time you settle down. Hasn't Mr. Wilson said anything about getting . . . shall-we-say married?

ACE:

Yes, let's say that.

JANE:

Dear, please, stay out of this. Are you my mother's keeper?

ACE:

Yes. Now, Mother, why don't you go to your cage - room -

JANE:

Well, Mother - what about it? Has Mr. Wilson said anything?

MOTHER:

Well nothing definite - unless you can call this ring definite.

JANE:

Ring - did he give you a ring?

MOTHER:

Here it is - you can see for yourself.

JANE:

Oh what a beautiful ring.

MOTHER:

It's a genuine fourteen-karat gallstone.

ACE:

No kidneying - let me see it.

MUSIC BRIDGE

ACE:

Well, everybody, the drinks are on me - looks like it's all set - you know the old saying - something old, something old - something borrowed, something blew. That was my top: I just blew it. Have another drink - oh go ahead - here take a handful of rice to throw at the bride - oh no, don't touch those old shoes - I wanta throw those myself - they're my old baseball shoes with the spikes - How am I so sure they're gonna get married? Well, the other night after dinner, Jane dashed into the living room with a big secret.

JANE:

Dear - guess what Mother's doing.

ACE:

Reading her book, Arthritis Can Be Fun?

JANE:

No - she's packing her suitcase.

ACE:

Packing a sui - no kidding - how do you know?

JANE:

I was just eavesdripping. You know what this means, dear?

ACE:

They're gonna elope?

JANE:

If I'm wrong, I'm not far from it . . . A runaway marriage - well, like daughter like mother!

ACE:

What are you talking about?

JANE:

Oh, you know when you used to call on me, every time Mother mentioned marriage you'd run away.

ACE:

Like daughter like mother. Well they're finally gonna do it. Isn't it wonderful?

JANE:

(CRYING) Yes, dear, it's wonderful.

ACE:

Oh now, Jane, stop crying -

JANE:

Oh I know I shouldn't, dear. I keep saying to myself - It's not losing a mother but gaining a son-in-law.

OK, dear - oh I better tell Mother we're going, But, listen, not a word to her that we know about the elopement.

ACE:

I won't. Just make sure you don't spill it.

JANE:

Me? You know me, dear.

ACE:

That's what I mean.

JANE:

Mother.

MOTHER:

(OFF) Yes, Janie, what is it?

JANE:

Mother we're going out to a movie, will you be all right by yourself?

MOTHER:

Oh, I'll be fine. Have a nice time.

JANE:

We will. Say good night, dear.

ACE:

Good night, Mother.

MOTHER:

Good night, son.

JANE:

Aw, isn't that sweet - she called you son. Good night Mother.

MOTHER:

Good night Janie.

ACE:

That's enough, Jane - come on let's go.

JANE:

We'll see you when we get back from the movies.

MOTHER:

All right, Janie, but don't wait up for me.

JANE:

We won't, Mother.

ACE:

That's enough Jane - come on.

JANE:

Good night, Mother, may all your troubles be little ones.

ACE:

Oh no, Jane - isn't that awful?

MUSIC BRIDGE

ACE:

Well the next three days were sheer heaven - with a maraschino cherry on top. I lolled around in my favorite chair to my heart's content. We were both extremely happy. Except Jane. She missed her mother, I guess - and, if the truth were known, I had a pang or two myself. You can get so used to something, you know - that fragrance of fresh iodine she used to exude . . . Then one night - suddenly - and without warning - the door opened - and there they stood - the bag - and Mother.

JANE:

Mother!

MOTHER:

Hello, Janie.

ACE:

Mother - you're not alone?

JANE:

Yes, Mother where's your husband?

MOTHER:

Husband!

ACE:

Where's Mr. Wilson?

JANE:

Mother, didn't you get married?

MOTHER:

Married. Why Janie, I've only known the man a week or two. Maybe some day, but -

ACE:

But where did you go - with that suitcase -

JANE:

Mother, never darken my doorstep again.

MOTHER:

Janie, you misunderstand. Don't you remember I told you we've been going to the amphitheater.

ACE:

Don't tell me you two have been spending the weekend watching operations?

MOTHER:

Oh no - we got into the act this time.

ACE:

Into the act?

MOTHER:

Yes, Georgie's been bothered with that post-nasal drip - so he had an operation performed on his nose. And I had an operation performed too.