National Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day: A Q&A With a Cat

By Shannon Casey

In honor of National Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day, we decided to go directly to the source. We scored an interview with an actual cat. We were only allowed to quote them on the record under promise of total anonymity. Our findings were both enlightening and disturbing. Read on at your own discretion. You’ve been warned.

Hello. Thanks for your time. Let’s get started. What are your long-term goals?

Otherwise, my New Year’s resolutions are the same as every year: World domination and more snacks.

In your quest for world domination, what’s holding you back?

Excellent question. The answer is certainly multifaceted. I’d say the #1 reason is a lack of opposable thumbs. In this computer age, some very simple hacking could win the game for us. It would be like Y2Kitty. Ha.

Anyway thumbs are crucial for a massive technological takeover. By the time I’m able to type “LOL PEOPLE R DUMB” into a keyboard, my humans have already returned from work and I can’t get any of my world-dominating done under their constant surveillance. Plus, it’s easy to get distracted when they rub my tummy. That ish is lit.

What would a cat-run world be like?

You mean aside from awesome?

Yes, aside from awesome.

Well first, there would be none of this Russia tension or a Cold War. There’s a Russian Blue cat next door and we share common goals. Plus there’d be more snacks.

Why are you most noisy between 3-6 a.m.?

That’s when it’s easiest to get the most plotting and work done. No one is watching us and it’s harder to get distracted by snacks and tummy rubs.

What are your favorite movies and books?

“The Aristocats” is excellent. It’s such a great documentary. And “The Cat in the Hat” is a classic. However, I’d have to say my very favorite is “The Art of War” by Sun Tzu.

Why do you meow in my face every morning?

Are you kidding? It’s to fix your ridiculous circadian rhythm. You only sleep at night and it’s weird. Get on my level, bro. Oh, and because I want snacks.

Why do you like drinking from everywhere else other than your water bowl?

The same reason you insist on drinking La Croix. It’s basically the same thing, but in a prettier package. Just look at that gorgeous gleam on the toilet!

Why do you always barf on the rug when the hardwood floor is a foot to your right?

Because it’s effing hilarious. You should see your face when it happens. Oh, man. Classic! Next question?

Why do you plot against the dog?

That’s an ugly stereotype and I don’t care for your tone.

Unfortunately this question abruptly ended our interview. The interview subject refused to answer any additional questions and knocked our recording device to the ground for seemingly no reason at all.