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Remembering Michael Ironside: An Ode

Ok, so he’s not dead or anything. But all my hopes for the new Splinter Cell game are, after learning that Ironside will no longer be voicing super-sleuthy-sly-spy Sam Fisher.

Also, to be fair, this isn’t an ode, but it just sounds like a better thing to do when remembering someone.

Michael Ironside’s grizzly man-vocals were a vital part of the Splinter Cell series and it’s hard to imagine this guy doing a better job. Ubisoft said that because they’ve moved to a mo-cap performance, they needed someone who was the right build to play Sam Fisher.

So not only have they kicked Ironside to the curb, but they’re also saying he’s fat!

I can kind of understand their reasoning, but it just won’t be the same. Listen to the last line of this admittedly very impressive trailer:

“Welcome to Fourth Echelon” sounds like it was said by a 13-year-old kid with a sore throat. Where’s the weariness, the coarseness and the overall bad-assedness of Sam Fisher gone? He sounds like his voice forgot what age his body was. It’s like he swallowed a lozenge filled with Oil of Olay. And Michael Ironside wouldn’t have said something sappy like “Welcome to Fourth Echelon”. He would have said something crazy like “Tell me where my daughter is or I’ll saw your face in half, you son of a bitch!”

Now I’m thinking someone needs to make a video game of Taken with Michael Ironside providing the voices for all characters, including the daughter. For his acting skills know no bounds.

So in honour of Michael Ironside, let’s remember him for his other great talent: losing limbs. See you at the party, Richter.