"When sorrows come, they come not single spies,
But in battalions." - Wm. Shakespeare, Hamlet

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Stupid.

It's like in the movie previews when everything is clicking along and suddenly there's the sound of the needle skipping off the record, and someone says something funny. Unfortunately, I don't think there's a punchline here, except to say I must be the biggest dumbass in the world.

How could I have been SO wrong? Like, not a little bit wrong, but the most wrong ever in my life? I had only ever felt this way once before, and that was when I was 16 and meeting Sam. This time was even better because I had the benefit of life experience and zero fear. We spent days marveling at the connection and ease at which we felt with one another. Chemistry like I'd never felt before. We kissed on the Akli breakwater in the rain and listened to the thunder roll across Elliott Bay. It was almost a scene from a Cameron Crowe movie. As Caleb said, "I'm surprised you could hear each other over the Peter Gabriel soundtrack."

In the six months of dating I had over a year ago, I never felt so much passion for someone, and every word, every touch, every signal, every instinct said she was right there with me. She quite literally was everything I'd asked the Universe for. And I think she was so scared of that connection that she revealed she wasn't ready for it. And everything came crashing down.

So now I feel totally stupid. "It's her. I mean, like with a capital H - Her." And I still really believe that, but of course I've gone and blabbed before the pie had cooled, and feel like the moron I am. So what went wrong with my radar?? That thing has been cranked to 11 since before Sam was diagnosed. I've always been able to navigate the seas of misery without too much trouble - the worst heartbreak of course was losing Sam, and then my dad, but they existed under the radar and inside the defenses. It goes without saying those key losses would be devastating. But I thought I was invulnerable after that. I thought no one could possibly hurt me. I was ready to feel truly and deeply again. Well now I do feel truly and deeply... hurt. And maybe that was a lesson in hubris.

I don't so much feel angry that she would reach out and only THEN discover her inability to engage in this. I feel more like my faculties were somehow inadequate and failed to warn me of it.

Was this the next lesson in loving again? That I had to be capable of complete trust and, more importantly, being completely hurt in order to be worthy of The Big One (if there is such a thing)? Maybe, but I think it's a pretty crappy lesson. I was bloody ready for this. I know from experience the Cameron Crowe moments happen few and far between in this life, so why give me that and then take it away - again? Unless it's somehow critical to what's to come. I have to trust that, even though I don't know how I can trust anything else - especially my own instincts - again.

So mark this as my first broken heart since Sam died. I feel inhumanly stupid and just want to crawl away in a hole somewhere. Excuse me if I don't post for awhile. And assume that any future romances (if any) will go undocumented here until they prove somewhat stable. And to my local and daily-contact internet friends and family, don't be surprised if I go monosyllabic for some time... at least until I sweep up the shards.

13 comments:

Jess
said...

no need to feel like an idiot for putting yourself out there. It's not a bad thing to be able to offer yourself up to another, regardless of the outcome. It's a brave thing to do and taking emotional risks is the only way to end up where you want to be.Jess

I agree with Jess. It's a step in the right direction that you're making an effort to open yourself up that way. Vulnerability feels uncomfortable but it's the only way to grow. Please don't beat yourself up. I think it was a very brave step forward.---Nix

Todd it's been two years for me and I know how hard it can be to try and open your self and hart open. I'v been lucky to find a other widow to share a big part of my life with again. Keep trying life is all a lesson with the good and the bad we have had the bad now time for the good. Keep going the good will come with time.Larry

TD: I wouldn't necessarily fault your radar for letting you down because I don't think it did. You followed a progression natural for you. My long distance, very out of touch and arm-chair quarterbackish diagnosis is that she's quite possibly "freaked out" (it's a technical term). I would also offer that you not give up hope on someone you obviously feel so connected with. One never knows what the next scene will bring ~ SMack