2012 New Year's resolutions for a best girl friend

Happy 2012, everybody! It’s the year the world might end, but as old “Lady Spears” might sing, until the world ends we’ve got to keep on dancing! However, in my case, dancing means trying to lose the ten pounds I gained after freebasing an entire turkey into my mouth on Thanksgiving. Or maybe trying to stop drinking because my body is starting to look like a leather shoe after the abundance of cocktails I’ve been slinging at it. However, forget about me. As a gay man’s best friend, there are a couple of NYE resolutions I’ve got to have to keep our relationship alive and flourishing, like a plant that is a gay best friend. Here are my top five:

Admit you’re not a gay man. The most important lesson to learn is that you are a lady. Just because you are a Little Monster and you go to gay clubs and you can do a really good impression of Lea Michelle and you like Zac Efron doesn’t mean you get a gay man card. You’re a girl! You don’t get ‘grandfathered’ into the fabulous world of the gay man.

Learn that your gay best friend is not your pet. Jesus, please stop blasting Robyn to lure him into your apartment, then putting a sack over him and kidnapping him to get a manicure and bubble tea with you because it would be ‘adorbz.’ End all chasing around the house trying to put a bow in his hair or duet to “let’s get physical.” Leave him be!

Stop comparing yourself to: Carrie Bradshaw, Will and Grace, CARRIE BRADSHAW, and every other fabulous lady from 1999 who wears a lot of shoes and flirts around NYC with gay men in tow. They do not wake up with that amazing curly hair! You should not keep texting your ex-boyfriend and constantly talking to your GBF about it!

Stop wearing sparkle dresses to gay bars. It’s like a moth to a flame, baby. You don’t need FLAIR when you go to the club. Use your sparkle dresses for New Year’s Eve parties and those sad lonely days you sit by yourself in your apartment and try to remember your youth.

Get a boyfriend so you’ll stop yelling at your GBF. Finally put yourself on OKCupid and go out on a couple of damn dates, kiddo! You’re spooning your gay, you’re calling him at the end of a day at work, and you’re trying to get him to shower with you. He doesn’t like your lady bits! Stop treating him like a boyfriend!

Happy New Years, my girls and gays! I hope 2012 is full of all sorts of wonderful things and people for you and yours. Also, I hope we all stop saying “adorbz.” I’m sorry about that.