Thursday, May 16, 2013

my worst self

Yesterday started out good. Met with church friends in one of my favorite cafes. Shared about encounters and promptings with God this past week. I biked home, grabbed groceries, blessed by the warmth and sun.

Shortly after walking in the door, glancing through my email, my heart sinks, another email from the nursing council.It's happened at so many different times. I send something, they send something back. No matter my current state when I receive it, whether good, bad, strong or ugly day, my mood instantly drops, pretty low.

No, there isn't a final decision, but a date with the committee to make their final decision. I felt/feel so discouraged.

I hate it. I can rationalize in my head, understand the perspective of the council, remind myself the difficulty international nurses experience fighting for a US license, but in those first moments, none of this helps. I read through their concerns, feeling attacked in every way. My emotions multiply, wanting to scream "It's not fair!" and cry and be critical. My head and heart find my worst self. Questioning the hard work I spent to become a nurse, desperately misunderstood, nothing feels enough. I find in the moment completely controlled by the circumstance.

And I respond, reminded of this song my friend shared with me last week, I cry out to a God that hears and knows me.So we wait, a few more weeks, maybe I'll be a NZ nurse and maybe I won't. But my God hasn't changed, I'm less concerned about what this means for my calling. The only thing that counts is that He and I continue to walk through whatever comes next.

If there is one thing that I am confident of, it is this....God is there right by you through all these twists and turns. He has a plan I am certain, and He will reveal it when the time is right. Rest in the shadow of His Wings and He will lift you up!