We all make dating mistakes, but these slip-ups could be unforgivable…

Hang on, this was meant to be a date, involving two people! Not
three. I don't date two people, one is hard enough. (Get out
clause: you're both polyamorous.)

2) You look different in real life, is that definitely
you in your profile photo?

Oh boy, it's going to be a long night. Yes it is me, are you
trying to say I look fatter, smaller, bigger nose? (Get out
clause: it's a fair cop. You get more offers with Cheryl
fronting for you.)

3) Let's skip dessert! I've not had sex in almost a
year.

I think you are going to be waiting a whole lot longer now.
(Get out clause: you've been sexting on
hyper-flirt-o-matic for three months.)

4) I've been told I'm a cougar, you know…

Really? Just how old are you? Your online dating profile said
you were 30. Last time I looked, 30 did not equal a cougar.
(Get out clause: she's a dead ringer for Helen Mirren. And
well out of your league.)

5) My ex used to love this restaurant… we came here on
our first date too!

Amazing. What marvellous taste you have! And so classy too! I am
so lucky you not only brought me here, but you feel comfortable
enough to talk about your ex. Oh wait… that's what I would
say, if I wasn't heading for the door. (Get out clause:
there's only one restaurant in this one-horse town. And only three
lesbians.)

6) I absolutely adore dressing my cats up.

As what? They are cats, they have fur… a pussy in a tutu is
never going to be "cute". (Get out clause: creative
taxidermy is really trendy at the moment, haven't you heard?)

7) I've got this itch <down there> and it just
won't go away.

I can really pick them! I suggest this date goes to a clinic,
preferably without me. (Get out clause: she means behind
her knee. Hopefully)

8) My mum still washes all my clothes for me. How cool
is that? I will move out of home soon…ish.

Ah that's nice. You better go home now, don't want you missing
curfew. PS. How do you ever have sex? (Get out clause:
you're both still in school. But do your chores already!)

9) You are really pretty! Your hair is just like my
mum's!

Ok, that's a compliment. To your mother! Because right now, I am
very weirded out. (Get out clause: scrabbling. Scrabbling.
Scrabbling. Nope, there's no excuse for this one...)

10) Are you sure you need that chocolate cake? I think
they have a fruit salad.

Yes, yes I do need this chocolate cake, with cream, and another
glass of wine, followed by more chocolate. Because clearly you
think I am too fat, and when you started talking about scientology
not being a cult, you lost me anyway. (Get out
clause: there is no get out clause for this. No cake?
Pfftttt.)