The takeout

When I awoke to news that an Ontario man was auctioning off a 6-year-old, “never eaten” McDonald’s burger and fries, I immediately sent a message to my coworkers: “We are bidding on this.” A reply came back in seconds: “Hell yes we are.” So, credit card hot in his hand, our fearless editor-in-chief Kevin Pang bid $77 real American dollars on a decrepit but disconcertingly preserved hockey puck of a burger. The CBC’s story notes there were no bids as of last night; but today, the war is on, with more than 20 current bids. Why are we doing this? I ask you instead: Why the hell not? “It basically has petrified itself. It looks very sellable,” cheeseburger-and-fries owner Dave Alexander told CBC. “I’m going to assume that someone’s going to rehome my cheeseburger.” The Takeout could be that home! The desks at our Chicago offices would be the perfect environment for this adoptable, petrified patty. … [Read more...] about Breaking: The Takeout has bid on a mummified 6-year-old McDonald’s meal on eBay

The Takeout is comprised of three full-time employees, and we spend most of our waking hours together. Our individual successes and failures are our collective successes and failures. And as the site’s papa grande, I get overcome with pride when one of our hijas do well. Right now, The Takeout associate editor and certified beer judge Kate Bernot is probably flushed with embarrassment, but I’m happy to announce that she is now a Certified Cider Professional, a designation given by the United States Association of Cider Makers. Kate earned her accreditation after passing the 60-question examination. What does this mean to you, dear Takeout reader? It means Kate, who’s been a force on our cider coverage (see here and here for starters), will become more of an authority on the topic. Kate was the first hire for The Takeout, and she’s written some of my favorite stories on this site. Kate, we’re super proud of you! (Feel free to use the comment thread below … [Read more...] about Cheers to The Takeout’s Kate Bernot, America’s newest Certified Cider Professional

Visual artists rarely get their due. Photographs and illustrations on the internet are treated as in service to the writing (when they’re not being repurposed or stolen outright). An effective piece of art, however, can articulate a story just as well as words can. Which is why at The Takeout, our art department is absolutely vital to our storytelling process. In case you don’t know, The Takeout is under the corporate umbrella of Onion Inc., which includes beloved internet sites The Onion, Clickhole, and The A.V. Club. Which means that story you shared on Facebook of an Inconsolable Jeff Sessions trying to commit suicide by smoking a joint? That was created by the same group of 10 Onion Inc. graphic artists that designs The Takeout. This is how our process works: Each Monday afternoon, I get together with the art department to discuss upcoming feature stories on The Takeout. We then brainstorm concepts and medium: Do we commission an original illustration? Are we going for … [Read more...] about Welcome to The Takeout’s first-ever art exhibition

If you were to ask three working pitmasters to describe barbecue sauce, each might provide completely different answers. A pitmaster in the eastern half of North Carolina would say it’s vinegar and pepper, while in northern Alabama it’s mayonnaise and apple cider vinegar, and in Kansas City it’s ketchup, molasses, and vinegar. But that’s what hardcore barbecue professionals would say. America’s concept of barbecue sauce is a homogenous, specific construct—a thick brown slather closest in spirit to Kansas City’s interpretation. “Barbecue” is perhaps second only to ranch as our sanctioned national flavor. These days, say the word “barbecue” and more often than not, meat permeated with wood smoke isn’t involved. Barbecue is a powder over potato chips, and comes in a bottle dressing pizzas, burgers, and grilled chicken sandwiches. There are artisan small-batch barbecue sauces crafted by KCBS champions, to be sure. But … [Read more...] about The Takeout’s BBQ sauce smackdown

Congratulations are in order to the 11 culinary masterminds whom Food + Wine has bestowed their Best New Chefs of 2018. From joyful reinventions of Mexican cuisine to the thoughtful embrace of rustic classics, the craftsmanship shown by these chefs is worthy of celebration. Not as much celebration, though, as the chef selected for The Takeout’s inaugural Best Chef in the World 2018. Indeed, in a landscape packed with worthy contenders—from a Silver Lake bespoke toast chef to a Brooklyn artisan specializing in small-batch, hand-pulled toast—it was no small task for The Takeout to select its winner. But we’ve chosen one who, frankly, blows the Food + Wine finalists out of the water: Congratulations are in order to your mother. Your mother, who lacks the professional training boasted by industry professionals, did not put in her time under demanding, screamy executive chefs and a steady stream of expectant diners. Rather, she spent her years bending to the … [Read more...] about The Takeout is pleased to announce the 2018 award for Best Chef in the World