Chase Foiled Again! Zoë’s Kitchen NOT Zoey’s Kitchen

Chase Matthews never thought he would become the seasoned traveler that he did when leaving Pacific Coast Academy. Since his departure, he has been to 11 different countries in search of his on-again-off-again girlfriend, Zoey Brooks. After losing contact with Brooks, Matthews packed up his things and began an “Amazing Race” style goose Chase, taking him through Europe, Asia and the Americas, searching for any sign of Zoey, until, by chance, he stumbled upon a sign that read “Zoey”... almost. Unfortunately, true love has escaped Matthews once again as he learned that Zoë’s Kitchen is, in fact, a chain restaurant and not, as he had hoped, the personal kitchen of his high school sweetheart.

“I figured if I just kept searching, I’d eventually run into her,” Matthews told us, looking utterly defeated and crying over pita, hummus and a steamy side of rice pilaf, the only Mediterranean food palatable and bland enough for white people to try. “Over the past 9 months, I’ve learned 7 languages, the customs of a dozen different cultures and the inner secrets of Buddhism, but I still haven’t learned if she feels the same way about me as I do about her.”

From the urban sprawl of Sao Paulo to the cold, unforgiving peak of Everest, Matthews achieved so much enlightenment about himself, others and global politics, and absolutely nothing about the whereabouts of Zoey Brooks. Needless to say, the trip was completely pointless.

“I don’t get what the big deal is,” Brooks said, clearing a table at Mr. Roboto’s, a mere three minutes away from Zoë’s Kitchen and also the Tallahassee version of Sushi Rox, where she has been working since leaving California. “He could have just DMed me on Twitter or something.”