Who am I?

I’m a, blogger and event/marketing/media consultant.
Blogging since 2002 and online since 1993 (I still remember my
Compuserve account number), I live in North London with my husband and
toddler, but was born in Cheadle.

Current interests: the planet, healthy living, cooking, Art Deco
ceramics, all flavours of CSI, sensible financial planning, social
media, virtual worlds and the arts in general. All this may change: a
woman’s prerogative, after all.

How to Look Thin When You're a Size Sixteen

When I see Geri Halliwell's new body, I calculate that I must
weigh at
least twice what she does. I know that a regular person doesn't
benchmark their size/shape against celebrities or even other people you
meet in Waitrose, but I do. Learned behaviour, I guess. Maybe you
wander the world feeling that you're content with who you are, but just
not that happy that fashion trends are for hipless teens and botox
babes?

Either way, you need my cut-out-and-keep guide to how to look
curvaceously good on a budget:

As soon as the new season's stuff comes out, run to
M&S and try on everything remotely trendy looking in your size
- stonewashed jeans, waistless trousers, off the shoulder tops (if you
dare). If they fit and you like them (in that order) - buy. Go home
immediately, memorise the washing instructions and cut out the label.
This is not because you are ashamed of your womanly figure, but at some
point your lover/Mother/cleaner will want to know what size you are (in
a way that they never do about thin people) and you want to keep then
guessing. There are very few shops that do relatively trendy basic
items in larger sizes that don't cost a bomb, so get there quick. Other
curvaceous women may know your secret.

Try and wear clothes that are all the same shade. Now, I
differ from my Mum who says that you shouldn't wear anything that "cuts
you in half" (because apparently fat people can't be cut in half for
some reason) - so that's goodbye to belts, three-quarter length
trousers and tops and bottoms of non-matching colours. I once saw Ruby
Wax interviewed on TV and she was asked "How do you manage to look so
good (implication - thin)? And she replied that she wears a lot of
black. If it works for Ruby….

Have guts - whilst I don't think anyone looks good in a
skin-tight leopard-skin t-shirt (apart from, perhaps, leopards) - don't
feel you're big and you have to wear a tent. My tent-wearing years are
over, and soon as I threw out my shapeless shifts and just bought
clothes that fit, people immediately thought I'd lost weight anyway.
Nothing makes you look as fat as buying an XXXL sweatshirt that you
think hides everything.

Now my Mother disagrees with this, but what is a mother-daughter
relationship without a disagreement? (or, for that matter, a
mother-daughter disagreement without a relationship?). My Mum says that
the only item to wear is a silky loose-cut top, where the silk material
falls in-line with your flab. I say hide your curves at your peril - be
out and proud.

If you have cleavage, enjoy it. Share the joy with the
world. Even if you don't have cleavage, chances are you have a fat neck
- so that's no to polo necks, turtle necks and possibly even round neck
tops. From now on, you will wear at the very least a v-neck top, and
probably a cleavage-teasing come-hither ensemble that will have
everyone apart from your Mum quivering at the knees.

Get good underwear. This is true if you are thin, but
doubly or triply true if you are voluptuous. I won't bore you with the
good foundation undergarments shtick, but believe me, get fitted for
bras, and if you have a lovely pair of coconuts make sure they are
well-supported. You can yearn after bras with spaghetti straps but they
won't do you any good. Know where to shop - M&S for lingerie on
the days you know no-one will see it, La Senza, Debenhams Shapely or
Fantasie for the days when someone might.

Tell everyone you've been on a diet. Most people apart from
you don't actually notice if people have lost or gained weight, they
just notice if someone looks happy. So promulgate the myth that you
have been dieting successfully (but of course you're on a
no-weighing-I-can-tell-from-my-jeans diet) and you will be surprised at
the number of weight-related/you-look-great compliments you get. Just
you watch.

Exercise. If you are really overweight (as opposed to those
stick-thin girls you want to murder who obsess about losing four
pounds) then chances are you don't exercise. And chances also are that
you have an inactive life - you probably don't do a weekly aerobics
class, you would rather take a cab than walk half a mile, maybe you
feel a little lethargic. None of this is good for your general
well-being. Get into the active habit - take the stairs not the lift
(but only for less than four floors - I'm not a masochist), if it's
sunny, walk, if you live anywhere inside zone two don't even think
about driving short distances. Start behaving like you own your body
and want to lovingly maintain it, rather than feeling it's on loan
whilst you wait to exchange it for the newer/thinner model.

Accessorise - next to exercise in the luscious style-babe's
dictionary. And I don't mean in a princessy-David-Lloyd-healthclub way
- no pink trainer shoelaces matching the stripe down the side of your
tracksuit bottoms reflecting the pink trim of your T-shirt. I mean
collect interesting accoutrements - vintages scarves, brooches from
junk shops, fabulously unusual shoes, recycle things that used to
belong to your Gran. Be an individual. Be impulsive. Have no fear.

Now the received wisdom for fat people, particularly on TV,
is to wear
loosely cut jersey clothes, generally in black, with a huge brooch at
your cleavage, supposedly to draw attention away from your
child-bearing hips or something. The truth is, most men love a woman
who looks like a woman rather than a child, so use your style to
express your individuality and your accessories to reflect your style.

Don't be fashion victim. This is true whether you're fat
or thin, but especially when the latest trend might be some post-human
fashion designers' joke. So if luminous skin-tight clothes are all the
rage, resist. Don't buy it if it doesn't suit you. You are old and wise
enough to not flock-follow. Get a luminous scarf, and a cheap one too,
as it will be so-last-week-daahling by the time you get to wear it.

There should always be ten things in a list like this,
right? Don't feel the need to follow the rules (apart from mine, of
course); live on the edge, smile more, take risks and enjoy the
attention.