OUTSIDE URIS—Along with the tulips, daffodils, and crocuses in bloom each year, another growth perennially sprouts out of the Columbia Garden Club’s garden: fully-grown econ majors. “We don’t really know where they come from,” said environmental science major, Kerry Rubenstein. “We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”

“I’m really proud of myself. I pulled myself up from my bootstraps from nothing and look where I am now,” said a newborn consultant as the gardeners carefully dug him out of the ground with a trowel. “We have an idea that the magic ingredient might be the runoff from Uris,” said a student tending to him while he attempted to mansplain the Laffer Curve to everyone in earshot.

One of the student gardeners used a shovel to knock out a somewhat-unripe one who was shouting, “ALL WAGE LABOR IS SLAVERY!” The gardener shook his head, remarking: “He’ll ripen up after a few weeks at Goldman.”

“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”