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Anorexic in Recovery: Food is Stressful!

Another year has gone by. Some good things have happened, including moving out of my parent's house. (Finally!) Also being at my highest weight I've been at. Some not so good things have happened as well, which include my anorexia having me go around in circles. My daytime job has also made me want to pull out my hair. Which I know happens to a lot of people. That's life.

Currently I'm suffering from a cold which made it impossible to taste anything the past two days. Curse you stuffy nose! It wasn't fun at all. I barely ate at all yesterday cause I was so nauseous, and then I ended up with a splitting headache that left me on the couch all Saturday long. Kinda sucks considering I actually wanted to enjoy my weekend, but it is what it is.

Today I'm finally able to breathe out of my nose. Hooray! And I'm able to finally taste things, which has brought up my thoughts on what I really wanted to discuss all along. Food is stressful.

For the past few months, my anorexia has taken me into these huge ups and downs I've had in a while. It's hard to explain to people what it's like to go through an eating disorder which is why I've told barely anyone in my life about it. Just a few close friends and that's it. Even then, the cat so to speak catches my tongue, and I feel like I never truly explain what I'm going through. I guess that's what happens when anxiety takes over your life.

But my biggest struggle with food is that sometimes I don't even crave anything. If you told me to pick any food in the world to eat or asked me what my favorite food was, I'd shrug my shoulders. And it's not easy to say that in the least. It's not that I don't like food. Hell I love to eat. It's the most frustrating feeling I've ever experienced in my life.

Not to mention the fact that when you do start your recovery process from anorexia, there's a lot of things they don't tell you about recovery. It's miserable. Sadly, that's why a lot of people relapse, because it honestly seems easier to just stay with your eating disorder. The thing is that it's not true in the least. It may seem easier, but in the long run, it's harder to stay with that disordered eating. You have way too much to lose to not recover, including your own life.

The thing that keeps me forward is watching inspiring people on Youtube. One that really sticks out to me is Educating Shanny. She's super sweet in her videos and she really lays it on thick about the downsides to having eating disorders. Or even reading blogs about people who have recovered or blogs on educating about recovery (The best one is Fuck your eating disorder. Google it). It's also super inspiring to see before and after pictures of people who have recovered from eating disorders because it's possible.

Thankfully I'm at the highest weight I've been at in a long time. I clocked in around 100lbs the other week. I might've dropped due to my cold but still, whoo!

Now the other thing that sucks about having an eating disorder is that I feel like people don't always believe you. When it comes to anorexia, most people think of a really skinny person probably around 70lbs. But the thing they don't teach you in school that they should've is that anyone can have an eating disorder. Just because I've always clocked in at a regular weight at the doctor's office growing up, didn't mean I was healthy. Which back then didn't help me at all because my mom told me I was too skinny, and then the doctor would tell me I'm fine (go figure cause she was overweight) and then I'd pretty much stick my tongue out (not really but figuratively) at my mom in retaliation because I thought I was fine.

Even people who look totally normal and may be slightly overweight can have anorexia. When it's been fed into your mind that you need to be skinny, most people don't really think about what they're doing to their bodies. You could eat around, let's say, 1,500 calories a day, but then combine that with exercising several times a week. Your body won't be happy with you. Not only are you depriving your body by under-eating, you're also burning those calories as well. In most cases, this causes most people to go into survival mode, and they're bodies will hold onto their weight for dear life as it prepares for a famine to come. Now that's not always the case but it certainly does happen.

Anyways, I've gone a little off topic than I expected there.

I'm really aiming on trying to pull my life together this year. I've started writing a new book, and I'm about halfway there. This will clock in to my third written novel, so I'm crossing my fingers that one of these days will be the day I become a published.

If you're feeling down, just remember this: Failure is better than not trying at all.

That's why I've never given up on my dreams to became an author. Because If I don't try, how will I ever know if I can succeed?

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Me.

Kai grew up and lives in WV. She wrestles two cats and a baby by day and moonlights as an author at night. You can find her drinking copious amounts of tea or coffee while playing her N64 (Banjo-Kazooie or Legend of Zelda).