Is Ramadan Next?: Why should
Christmas and Easter be the only religious holidays whose
true significance is overshadowed by commercialization?
In a major breakthrough, now Jews can enjoy trivialized
holidays too.

At Anymenorah.com,
they can buy Hanukkah candelabras shaped like a robot,
the New York City skyline (including the World Trade
Center), an airplane or a box of crayons. Other menorahs
feature Mickey Mouse, Curious George, chess pieces,
Donald Duck, Winnie the Pooh or Rugrats
characters.

No sign of Britney Spears menorahs, but give it time.

Philosophical Question of the Week: Who
would win in a battle between Harry Potter and Gandalf,
the wizard from Lord of the Rings?
According to a Chicago-based association of witches and
wizards, the winner would be Gandalf, because he is part
archangel.

Next week: Who would win in a duel between the genie from
Aladdin and Barbara Eden from
I Dream of Jeannie? (Editors
note: East Coast readers of Off-Kilter will see
Who would win in a battle between Olsen twins
Mary-Kate and Ashley?)

WTC Revisionism Bureau: After Sept. 11,
some Hollywood producers digitally erased the World Trade
Centers twin towers from upcoming movies and TV
shows. Other producers left the towers in. Needless to
say, this has confused the public. So we suggest a
compromise: From now on, all movies, TV shows and
advertisements featuring the New York City skyline will
have just one of the WTC towers.

Press Releases We Were Afraid to Read:
Publicists must be hitting the eggnog early this year.
Here are three of their most recent attempts at media
bait:

-- The Anatomy of the Corkscrew
-- 280 Million Pieces of Underwear Expected
to Sell During Holidays -- the Practical Gift in
Uncertain Economic Times
-- Seat Cushions that Control Flatulence Use
New Technology

Clever Business Names Bureau: Spotted in
Southern California -- a tow truck company called Tic Tac
Tow, and a chair manufacturer called Sit On It. Any
reader nominations?

Jed Clampett Update: Actor Buddy Ebsen,
who shook the literary world earlier this year with the
release of his first novel, Kellys
Quest, which featured scintillating
references to Kellys well-formed, jeans-filling
derriere, now plans to issue a CD. The songs
include a duet with Max Baer Jr. (aka Jethro) on the
Beverly Hillbillies theme, as
well as Ebsen originals.

Brain Drain: A former flight attendant
is marketing a board game called Senior Moments, which
is designed for memory-impaired adults.
Sample questions include: Name three things
in the sky, Where does the pope
live and Explain Einsteins
theory of relativity in 25 words or less. Or
maybe the third sample question was Name a
type of hot cereal. We forget.

Slay Bells: The holiday spirit sure is
contagious. In Colombia, a right-wing death squad sent
Christmas cards to its fighters, wishing them peace and a
happy New Year, according to Reuters news service.

Weird Polls Bureau: More Americans are
scared of Michael Jackson (37 percent) than Dracula (24
percent), according to a survey by Paramount Parks.

In other polling, 6 percent of Americans said theyd
like to see public restrooms equipped with an alarm that
goes off if someone tries to leave without washing their
hands, according to a survey by Kimberly-Clark.