Misadventures of Tucker Maddox

The misadventures of Tucker Maddox live as it happens. From parties to opinions, and talkin shit. Its' all here. Tucker Maddox bitches...Tucker Maddox and Arnold Schwollenpecker live and direct. Don't hate the playas baby, hate yourself.

Monday, August 30, 2004

Oakland Raiders vs Arizona Cardinals

Arnold Schwollenpecker

Football, Beer and Brawls, what more can a real man ask for. This was my experience at this past Saturday's Raiders Vs Cardinals game. Now keep in mind IM a Viking fan but I love the raiders too. Game started off kinda slow but not the shit talking in the crowd. Before the 90 minute countdown to kick off could reach 89:35 the insults started to fly. It first started with some thug ass looking black guy who made the trip from Oakland. And yes it was apparent he was from Oakland by the big ass OAKTOWN tat he had on his back. He started quick with this group containing exactly 5 people. 1 Papago (he was Indian so in my eyes he's a papago. If its not PC blow me), 2 wetbacks, a black guy, and then some thug ass Chicano. And yes there is a difference between Mexicans wetbacks Chicanos and Hispanics. For those of you who don't know take an ethnic sensitivity course. Christ. Anyway back to my post. It went from my team sucks to fuck you pussy I will kill you, by the time the countdown hit 80:27. At this point no one is Drunk. The ill kill you pussy lasted till about 34:54. At this point the beer guy finally showed up. The Papago made amends and bought everyone a bud light. Including me and I wasn't even with them. So the guys OK in my book. 4:35 countdown the black guy buys the round and the Chicano starts talking shit cuz its Miller lite. This then continues till past kick off and at 7:54 left in the first quarter the oaktown guy is hauled off by DPS for throwing the plastic Miller bottle. :32 seconds left in the first quarter thug ass Chicano #1 moves to the seats behind us and starts talking to a guy (thug ass Chicano #2) he's apparently known for a long time. 12:23 left in the 2nd quarter thug ass Chicano #1 is telling the #2 hes gonna kick his ass and throw him over the back rail. The 2 then proceed down the steps to open area and 1 punch is thrown by #1. DPS tackle him quickly cuff him and is detained where IM assuming he will get his hearing On Monday. 2:21 left in the 2nd. Thug ass Chicano #2 returns to his seat. 2:18 left in the second #2 yells who's a cards fan. All is quiet for a bit. 1:15 left this skinhead whiteboy somehow sits in front of me wearing a cardinals jersey. 1:10 left #2 yells who's a card fan again. The skinhead jumps up and yells GO CARDS. :57 seconds left in the 2nd. #2 jumps over my girlfriend, not touching her, and for no reason whats so ever socks the skinhead in the mouth knocking him out. #2 then proceeds to run away like a little bitch and not staying to fight. By this time we are at half time. At the bottom of the stairs DPS is waiting for #2. There's 3 DPS officers and #2 proceeds to sock one of them in the face. This action quickly calls for the DPS officer to pull out his Billy club and whack the guy in the stomach with it. #2 is cuffed and detained. 2:00 till the 3rd quarter starts and the skin head is still laid out cold. Start of the 3rd quarter paramedics arrive. 7:34 left in the 3rd and the skinhead wakes up goes down with the paramedics. 6:21 left in the third, The skinhead returns and has a bud light for each hand. And in my section this is all that occurred. Countless number of fights happening in sections away from me. I use to work Security for Cardinals games and thank God I don't anymore. Anyway the Raiders won 17-16 and it was a great fucking night.

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Why Olympic Tae Kwan Do Sucks Ass...

Tucker Maddox

Endless back and forth and up and down rocking as fighters attempt to
find a weakness.

Instead of throwing a punch, which scores 1 point, fighters are content
with hugging when space gets tight.

Homo-yelling: YAHHHHHHHH!!!! KEAAAAAAAA!!! HOOOOOOWAAAAHHHH...

After scoring a point, fighters scream a Homo-yell, and then stop
fighting.
Here's a typical match: fighters bow->the official starts the
fight->rocking...rocking...stance switch...rocking...rocking...fake
kick...rocking...real kick...stance
switch...rocking...rocking...hug...real kick*connects*->homo
yell->continue rocking...basically that's how the last 4 fights I've
seen have gone. Give or take a hug or ten. Why is this an Olympic sport?
Its as exciting to watch as a 3-toed sloth race. NOTE* if you
participate in Tae Kwan Do, you will lose quickly to my capoeira...Bring
it.

Monday, August 23, 2004

How to get me 1 iPod for my birthday in 3 easy steps...

Tucker Maddox

1. Use this referral link Free iPod!!! and sign up for a FREE account.

2. Participate in one of the offers...I suggest the FREE AOL for 45 days one because they will allow you to cancel with NO CHARGES at all. Trust me I worked there, plus if you try to cancel they will also try to give you 2 more months free as previously stated. So it's a win win situation.

3. Get other people to be referred for me by using this referral link Referral link

And there you have it folks, you've now successfully helped me get a free ipod for my birthday. I can see who it was that used my referral link so that way I can keep track. Better than going out and buying something don't ya think?

New and Improved Florida Voting system!!!

Tucker Maddox

If you haven't heard already (you morons shame on you) the 2000 election had a HUGE controversy arise over the "hanging chad" ballots. Not only were they slightly confusing *Note more than instructions written in Japanese* but they were easily misinterpreted by Bush's cronies to help aide him in the election. In case you didn't see how hard they were:

As you can see they are even easier to use. Here's a better idea, LET'S MAKE IT FUCKIN SIMPLE.

There easy as pie. I tell you what, if there's another fiasco with this damn voting shit I'm personally going down to Florida myself. There will be a body recount after I get done whoopin ass. Fuckin Bush, yeah I said it and I'll say it again, quote me on it, FUCKIN DUMBASS BUSH. Here's my vote for you: . I don't know about you but I'm goin with the orange square.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Team USA Basketball

Arnold Schwollenpecker

My oh My oh My, Team USA Basketball. Everytime I hear those words I just shake my head at the utter amazement of how much this team absolutely sucks. It is without a doubt proven that any team led by Allen "I take 90 shots a night and make 10%" Iverson, will never accomplish much more then mediocrity. Dream Team Wannabes are what they are. This team does not have the passion, determination, skills and fundamentals to have the name Dream Team. These jerks not only represent the NBA they also represent the USA. You can say these numbnuts do no represent you but in all actuality they represent the entire United States of America. They also mislead to rest of the world that we are egotistical, arrogant and also a joke. It is time to go back and using amateurs/college players. This is the last chance a player headed to the NBA will get to experience true team basketball. And I don't mean players from lets say my favorite team The University of Arizona. Yes, I love my Wildcats dearly but sadly Lute Olson has stopped recruiting Blue Chippers and making them superstars. He is trying to get Superstars and mold them into Blue Chip Players. I hate Duke with a passion, but year in and year out Duke is near the bottom of the recruiting polls, yet year in and year out that are on top of the AP Polls. Players that are fundamentally sound that know how to play as a team. So they way it looks just let Duke play in the Olympics. As much as I despise Mike Krzyewski there is no doubt in my mind any Duke team can win not only an Olympic Gold Medal but an NBA Championship as well. Get these suckasses from the NBA off the court until they learn to play. Lets get in some hard working fundamentally sound college kids they can play D to represent this great country. AND QUIT BUYING ALL THAT ALLEN IVERSON SHIT. LOOK AT HIS NUMBER AND YOU WILL SEE THIS ASSHOLE SUCKS ON MORE BALLS THEN JENNA JAMESON.

THE REAL DREAM TEAM^^

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

8 ways to make the olympics watchable on NBC and MSNBC...

Tucker Maddox

1. Ban Americans from competing in all swimming and track events.
Dammit everytime I turn on NBC (new bullshit coverage) and MSNBC (more shitty new bullshit coverage) I either see someone running or someone swimming/diving...being a man I prefer sports that involve either taking someone down, or a ball of some sort.

2. Stop giving me the sob story about how little Johnny grew up in a small time to become the nation's favored hope for a gold medal in the men's [enter retarded event here]...All that time you're wasting on that bullshit I could be watching table tennis or volleyball.

3. Don't cut to commercial in the middle of a rally, fast-break, heated fighting, and/or game/match/set point for any event.

4. Learn from BRAVO and show sports like Handball, soccer, boxing, etc so that viewers not wanting to see bullshit swimming or tennis or even gay ass men's volleyball can see something interesting.

5. Show other countries...Yeah I'm an American but I know that America sucks at most other sports that other nations play. Look at Basketball...We're supposed to have dominated but we have the only team to EVER lose an Olympic game, representing our country. Thanks guys...

6. No male crotch close-ups...More and more as I watch the Olympics I notice that the cameraman zooms in on a crotch. Not a camel toe or an ass of a hot chick, no its a close-up of a male gymnast's package. I don't know about the other guys watchin' but that's getting ridiculous *no pun intended*.

7. Titties...I know there have got to me more bitches with titties that are bouncin out there, can we not zoom in on these?

8. *UPDATE 2:45am AZ time* After watching the Olympics for another hour I noticed that MSNBC FINALLY aired field hockey and not a homo sport like synchronized pocket pool and I was reminded of something I forgot that would make the coverage Oh so sweet...Whenever the ref/umpire/official blows the whistle for something, tell us what the fuck it was for. I watched handball last night and I don't know the rules for that shit it was just more interesting to watch than swimming. Everytime the whistle blew I had no fuckin' clue why, and now its the same shit with field hockey. Why are they fuckin blowin the whistle?

To my boys in IRAQ...

Tucker Maddox

I would like to start off by saying "Thank You" to all our boys serving in Iraq. I don't care if I don't agree with the war or not, agree with the President or not, or even agree with killing people or not, I want to say thank you. You are putting your life on the lines for whatever reason it may be. To all those out there watching there brethren take fire upon them and then themselves having the bravery to fire back, that takes guts. I don't agree with the war at all...I don't agree with a lot of the politics that are going on, but I do agree that if you are in a position where your life is in danger not because of your own choice, that you are entitled to defend yourself. Come back home alive and see your family and all the things we missed. I don't care why you're out there I pray for your return home soon. I look online for names that I know just making sure none of my friends are victimized by any hostile fire. Do your best to stay alive, and listen to your gut and your God, unless your gut disagrees with your God. They say "goodbye's" are forever but they forget where the word comes from: "God-be-with-ye." So God be with you and when you return, shoot me an email and let me know you made it home safe. Semper Fi...and all that good shit...Aim carefully...

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

TOP 10 REASONS TO OWN MADDEN 2005

Arnold Schwollenpecker

OK So this is a serious post. But here are ARNOLD'S TOP 10 REASONS TO OWN MADDEN 2005.

10. The Hit Stick owns (Took Michael Vick out for the season on a blindside hit stick sack)

8. 100 times better then Madden 2004 (and we all know 2004 was the greatest football game of all time.

7. Touch passing (You can now float the ball past the linebackers without the ball hanging in the air long enough for the DBs to pick it off or knock it down)

6. Realistic Running game. (no more of that Jewish ass running shit where you change directions on a dime. When cutting from left to right the back actually slows down to make the cut.)

5. Free demo of NFL Street (and I didn't think this game was any good low and behold I actually played it and will be out to buy it).

4. Classic Madden (Yes relive the very first game on the genesis and the first 2 for the playstation. Definitely much fun.)

3. Its not ESPN 2k5 (yea the game was OK but who the fuck were the commentators. Sounded like they got 2 jackasses off of Public Access TV.)

2. The Madden Jinx (Ray Lewis on the cover. I fucking hate the ravens)

1. More Cheerleader Cards (Hot Women in skimpy outfits.)

Sunday, August 08, 2004

ARNOLD'S SUCK LIST VOLUME 2

Arnold Schwollenpecker

Allen "I suck at playing as a team" Iverson - Point Guard for the Philadelphia 76ers - For all you Allen Iverson Fans out there kiss my ass. Because you got tattoos, wear head bands and shot 80 shots a night does not make u good. Seriously Iverson you fuckin suck. Id score 30 points a game too if I took 80 shots a game. Learn to fuckin pass and you wont be a cancer to any team you play for. Also, why the hell are you representing the United States in Athens. You sure as hell don't represent me. You shoot 41% from the field for your career and 31% from behind the arc. You my friend fuckin suck. JACKASS OF THE YEAR AWARD NOMINEE.

Ted "I suck at staying on the wagon" Kennedy - Senator of Massachusetts - What the fuck is wrong the people of Massachusetts that they keep electing you to the senate. I don't think I have ever heard you talk once without the reporter in the front row fanning the stench of liquor on your breath. What's really really sad July 25th, 2004 at the Democratic National Convention you received an award for the work you have done as a senator. What the hell have you ever done. To make things even worse that was the 30 year anniversary of the women you ran off the road, watched drown, and then drove off. I guess having a little money buys you any type of justice. If that was us common folk we would be serving a life sentence right now.

George "I suck at planning for war" Bush - Current President of the United States - Yes I can understand this war on Iraq was based off incorrect information provided to you by 5 different intelligence agencies all over the world. But man, you suck at post war occupation. Why is most of our boys have died after the "mission accomplished" slogan then when we were actually fighting the Iraqi army? You asshole have my best friend in harms way cuz you suck donkey balls at strategy and planning. I was totally for this war but your dumb ass cut off the ties with our most powerful allies because of fuckin pride. And you sir i hate you for that. You don't give a shit about the men dying cuz it aint your friends or your family over there occupying a country after you have already turned the power over. Get our boys out of Iraq and start working on these countries with admitted WMDs. JACK ASS OF THE YEAR AWARD NOMINEE.

Michael "I suck at making movies" Moore - Director - Now one would think with my passionate hatred for Bush I might be inclined to enjoy such films as Fahrenheit 911. Unfortunately I have seen less bullshit on a Texas Ranch. I can understand making a movie trying to get Bush out of office, and believe me, I am all for it, but what you have done is sickening. Its very easy to criticize someone when the only tough decision you have had to make is with or without cheese. Bash Bush all you want it is your God Given right. But when you make a movie that twists and turns the truths about what happened on America's darkest day you spit on the graves of the 3000 people that died that die. You are also spitting on the graves of the men and women in America, that not only support Bush, but those that also hate bush. Comments like "The dumbest Canadian is smarter then the smartest American," whether you think so or not, is very un-American and traitorous. My grandfathers fought for this country, my uncles, almost everyone in my family fought for this country fought for your bitch ass. Your comment spit in their faces, the ones that fucking fought for you to stuff your face, make your movies, and sit there trying to catch air in a simple interview with bill O'Reilly.

Michael Jackson - The king of Pop - Enough said

You been fucked by, a smooth criminal...

Tucker Maddox

Michael Michael...what is going on in your head? I watched an interview with Michael Jackson on VH1 yesterday, where a reporter was allowed to follow michael around and venture into his most personal moments etc. During the interview the reporter asked Michael the question that almost everyone who gives a damn wants to ask: "What the fuck happened to your face?", not in those words of course but same idea. Michael quickly responds and says it was all puberty, he's had no surgery whatsoever except his nose, and only two surgeries on that, and his white skin *also known as Vitiligo* is a naturally occuring problem he has. BULLSHIT...as someone who has been a Jackson 5 fan, and fans of both Michael and Janet, I can honestly say BULL FUCKIN SHIT MICHAEL come off it...The worst part of the interview was when Michael was confronted about the "Lil' Boys That Could", and why they sleep in his bedroom with him; his response: "Their parents say it's ok so I say its ok if the parents do." First of all, last I checked he was 44 or something in that general area, second of all, IT'S BOYS! If you feel you have to be a pedophile, at least go for the females. It's gonna look bad either way but at least its not another guy. Don't get me wrong the man can dance and he can sing, but damn...Lil boys??? There's definitely something wrong in that man's head...He's bad, really...really bad.

Monday, August 02, 2004

I just called, to say, I caught you...

Tucker Maddox

Fuck the RIAA. If you don't know who they are use Google I don't care to explain who they are without spending too much time talkin shit about them. Besides, talkin shit about them won't solve a thing. Anyways, a while back I recieved a letter from my ISP in the mail telling me that I had been "caught" downloading a movie called "Undercover Brother" and that if I didn't remove the offending material I was going to be prosecuted yadda yadda yadda. Suck a dick...People download music because it prevents us from buying a cd that contains 15 songs of shit just to get 2-3 good songs. A few friends of mine have recieved letters that were somewhat similar in the past so I'm putting together this list of things that I use to stay sucka free:

Trustyfiles

Protowall

Bittorrent

Blocklist Manager

SafePeer plugin for Azureus (Bittorrent client)

Now I'm sure there's many more things I could add to the list, and many other suggestions to be made, but this is what I use to get the job done. Of course,now that I use linux most of the time so there's really no need to pirate any apps...THEY'RE ALL FREE. Next they'll make biodegradeable cds that rot after about a month so you have to repurchase them. Fuckin RIAA...Buy an Ipod, burn all your songs there, delete em off your hard drive and be done with it. There ya go, sucka free. If anything, just install Protowall and enjoy more privacy and security, for free.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

TuckerMaddox's Birthday!!!

Tucker Maddox

If you haven't noticed the red lettering at the bottom of this site, my birthday is coming soon. I'll be 22 which means not a damn thing in terms of priveleges or abilities but its still another birthday. So if you want to be among the others that have donated just for the hell of it, you can give me something for my birthday. Otherwise if you know me personally, call me or come see me and let me know. It's August 25th for those that can't count. If you don't know me, send me an email wishing me a happy 22nd and send a little money while you're at it; a brotha needs a new pair of kicks ya know?

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