You always wanted to dye your hair some dipshit color but your overbearing mother wouldn't let you. Then your dick fell off. You use the word "classy" more than most people do, and far more than anyone should.

You once placed a newspaper personal ad describing yourself as "wistful." You are still recovering from the erection that the cornfield sex scene from whatever Children of the Corn that was gave you. Your alcoholism causes you to relate facts regarding local history that people mostly nod at.