Thursday, May 15, 2008

Getting Down To Business

Why I have to have this baby this weekend, or else:

1) Because if I have to go through another full day or night of 'false' but nonetheless really f*cking painful labor contractions, I may be compelled to shoot myself in the head, or dope myself to sleep with vodka, and neither of those things would be good for the baby, would they?

2) Because my current daily ratio of sleeping to not-sleeping, given the above, in hours as measured on a 24-hour clock - 2:24.

3) Because once tonight's episode of Lost is over, I'll only have 6 days and 23 hours in which to get this baby out and sorted so that I'm back on schedule to watch the next episode, next week.

4) Because it's my birthday next week, and a) I'd prefer that this child be born at least a few days before or after my own birthday, and I'm not waiting until next weekend (see #'s 1 - 3 above), and b) I'd very much like to have a vodka martini on that day, and not one that is cut with castor oil.

5) Because, have you seen me lately? I am the size of a small dirigible. And if this baby was pushing 8lbs over two weeks ago - even allowing for margins for error - I do not even want to contemplate how big he will be next week.

6) Because I'm ready. We're ready. It's time.

So, having exhausted all other options except Eggplant Parmesan (cooked eggplant being a couple of notches below castor oil on my personal list of stomachable foodstuffs and beverages), I'm pretty certain that I will be quaffing some castor oil within 24 hours of the closing credits scrolling onscreen for tonight's episode of Lost. I am well aware that many of you will regard this as reckless, reckless behaviour, but still: am at wit's end. Must act. Gastrointestinal discomfort, even in the extreme, is, at this point, among the very least of the physical evils that I face, including but not restricted to intermittent but ongoing painful labor and the many-days long stretch of no sleep caused by that labor. Diarrhea? MEH.

Am forging ahead. Hopefully, the next time you hear from me will be from the other side. Otherwise, expect more bitching.

PS -I refuse to confirm or deny any of the name guesses made on my last post, but I will say this: you will know. It may be a one-time only deal, but I will share the name with you. After I share it with him.

The good news is that with all this "pre" labor (I know, HAH!), it's pretty likely that the "real" deal could be quite short. That's something anyway. Many people swear by Thai food, which certainly tastes better than castor oil, so perhaps add that to your repertoire for the weekend. Also long walks. I send all the karma I've got for a speedy delivery SOON.

Regarding #3: We watched my favorite show (Dancing with the Stars) in the Labor & Delivery ward last month. The micro dude was kind enough to wait until the show was over before he was properly positioned for me to push.

I think you should just go beat the crap out of the intern or resident who made you feel like an idiot for going into the hospital last week. That's bound to make you feel better. Is Caster Oil supposed to induce labor?

Oh my dear dear Catherine. I know how you feel. I am 5 days, 2 hours and 16 minutes from my due date and (as you can tell) counting down.

I was stretched on Monday, had jalapeños and banana peppers on Tuesday - still nothing but itcky crampiness and I'm just miserable. I've been trying to convince Hubs to Do The Deed, but he's not having any of that.

My birthday's tomorrow, so I'll wish that our babies comes early and if I haven't had mine by your birthday - will you use your wish for me!? PLEEEEEASE!!

My second was 3 weeks overdue, and I had "false labor" for over two months. What finally got her out? The car broke down and we didn't have a way to get to the hospital. So of course I woke up at 2:00 a.m. with contractions 2 minutes apart.

The good part was that with all the false labor, I had her in 2 hours and she was 8 lb. 1 oz.

A friend, who was determined to GET BABY OUT NOW (8 days before due, but READY), researched ways to make it happen and tried the following, all in one day:-Incredibly spicy Thai food for lunch-Very long walk-Foot reflexology massage-More walking-Very spicy Mex food for dinner-More walking-SexShe went into labor that night.

Re: foot reflexology--there is a pressure point on feet that stimulates contractions. You can research it online.

I'm laying out all the goods here now #1 Evening primrose oil 1000mg per day softens the cervix helps even false labor contractions to do some good.(seamen will do this too but it doesn't come in capsule form from the drug store and it has to go in the place you only want things to be coming out of right now)#2 breast pump if your not into trying "the nasty" grab your trusty old breast pump and the nipple stimulation can really bring on labor fast so be ready! can do manually but I think it takes longer.careful of the cohosh unless you are using it in homeopathy form.

BREAST PUMP! Seriously. Do you have one? Beg and borrow one! Get some gelsemium from the health food store, get on the pump, and you're likely to go into labor pretty quickly. It only took me 20 minutes and then I had a nice easy labor and a baby within 5 hours. DO IT!

Hi I'm a week overdue with number three, also suffering through really intense false labor for about 3 weeks now. I've never had this before with the other two and it's driving me crazy as well. Just wanted you to know that I REALLY do feel your pain, and it's not fun at all. (I've tried accupuncture twice and I've even offered to nurse my friends newborn because I already have colostrum). The worst- all my friends who were due with me have given birth! Nothing depresses you more then hearing about other births when you just want to get the baby out. I might have to punch the next person who announces to me and I can't be held responsible.

I'm sure you already know the science/biology/whatever behind using sex as a stimulus for labor, which is that semen contains a small amount of pitocin, the chemical that gets labor going. So hey! Can't hurt to give it a try, right?I saw the title of your post and thought it was going to be a "We're going to the hospital" post. I'm looking forward to learning his name!

I think this is the first time I've commented, but your interminable wait for the arrival of your little guy has made me want to delurk. I've been checking every day and wringing my hands right along with the rest of the readers, and waiting with happy anticipation for the news. I just know that after you've waited this long, and with such discomfort, you will certainly have a short delivery. I hope you get to meet him soon!! Oh, and, I just have to say...if the name really is Jasper...I love that name. Just love it.

My baby was late, late, late. Spent a whole day hanging out with my midwife and drinking nasty cocktails of black and blue cohosh tinctures and orange juice--nothing. (And tinctures are made from pure grain alcohol, so may as well have had a vodka tonic and at least enjoyed the day.) Only thing that got him out was castor oil and I so wish I'd just gone ahead and taken it a week earlier. Sure, there's some intenstial distress, but it's almost indistinguishable from the rest of labor. Plus, no poop left by the time the baby comes out! Good luck!

The person who commented on the sperm with pitocin was right. Time to get down and dirty. Then go for a long walk. Then eat some spicy food. Then jump up and down. Then chug some castor oil. Then say your prayers for a swift and easy delivery...you get the idea. Try the safest means of getting the little squirt out and make sure you're having fun doing it!! I expect a baby by tomorrow morning... :-)

I tried the castor oil thing, didn't work for me. But I was just 1 cm dilated. I freakin' cramped (and shit) like there was none other, so maybe all that cramping would have done something if I was progressed a little further.Good luck and grab some hemorroid cream! :)

The nurse told me with my first ,she tells people to go home and go to bed but don't sleep if you know what I mean . It does work if you are close that's how my first three came all on their due date . Hopefully things will get moving along for you !

I induced my first labor by seeing an acupuncturist. I had not had a single even braxton hicks contraction before that point, and she did all the uterus points and I went into labor in her office. It was a difficult labor, and that might have been because my body wasn't quite ready, but from what I hear it was a damn sight easier than being on pitocin. And oh, SO much nicer than castor oil!

I came out of her office calm and relaxed and the contractions just got more regular over the course of the night.

My son was born on my birthday and not only was it my best gift ever, it is a little known fact that if your child is born or your birthday, yours stop and they take over. ;) I'm 32 forever! I hope things go well for you.

I did the castor oil thing. AND the black and blue cohosh thing. AND I did them together. AND...it didn't work. If you want to try the castor oil, I suggest it in a root beer float. Mine really didn't taste as horrible as I was thinking it would, and the gastrointestinal stuff wasn't as bad either. Though, the results weren't as good--baby didnt' come for another week.Ooh, just read the acupuncture thing, and though I didn't try it, I know someone who did and went into labor that day. Next time? I'm so forgoing the castor oil and will try acupuncture.

Also, the sex thing? DOES NOT WORK. At least for my daughter. We had sex EVERY. DAY. I walked MILES every day. I ate spicy. I ate pineapple, we massaged my feet in the contraction places. I GAVE BLOWJOBS. Again, repeat. Does. not. work. Was invented by man to get some nookie before wife had baby. For reals. C'mon out, Sprout.

Hang in there, you are doing great and it will all be worth it. If you need something to preoccupy your mind, make you laugh and offer some really good advice on how to live a more balanced life...check out the novel " The Book of Mom" by Taylor Wilshire. Two of my mommie-friends gave me their copy. It is a novel about the struggles of motherhood and living an authentic life. A little self-helpie and a little New Ageie but a funny--goodie.

the horrible "stretch and sweep" that I dreaded (and rightfully so, I might add), was the thing that put my labour over from "false" to the "real thing" in about 12 hours. It was painful and involved some crying on my part, but in the end it was what got things going.