Literally NO help in wedding planning, is this normal?

I must vent. Its been a rough day and I think I need a little encouragement…..

I’m tired. Really tired. I get married in 5 weeks. We’ve been engaged for 8 months. My parents are 4 hours away and my fiance’s mom is 6 hours away, so I didn’t expect a great deal of help from them. I also have bridesmaids in like 4 different towns, and again I didnt expect a lot of help from them. What I did expect was some help, even if it wasn’t alot. I have some pretty significant health problems which stress just exaserbates.

I started the planning early and had alot done right away. We are having a very budget wedding, which means more DIY, more reserach into vendors, etc. All that has been fine. I expected to do that. With many things like slideshow, shuttle bus, etc, I asked my mom/bridesmaid (shes doing the slideshow) about these things MONTHS ago. No one seemed to have much urgency and so I left it. Now, when I’m stressed by the crazy amount of last minute details ( you know the things you cant do till about a month before), no my mom wants me to look into a shuttle, no my friend needs me to help with the slideshow.

I know my wedding isn’t number one on everyone’s list and thats totally understandable. However, I just find it irritating that people put things off until its all of a sudden they realize they need to do it and then it requires me. I feel pulled in a million directions with literally no help in those small details. My fiance is in the military so he just doesn’t understand the things that have to be done.

My biggest request has been that I want to get everything done, so the last two weeks I can rest and enjoy before the big day. I have some major fatigue issues so it would be so nice to have that time to enjoy it. So my question to you is……How much help were your bridesmaids/parents/etc? What things were you able to delegate and which ones did you have to do yourself? Maybe I just need to think smarter about all this and perhaps you’ll have some ideas for me.

Oh, p.s we are 5 days from our rsvp deadline and I still haven’t heard back from 120 guests! My mom refuses to help call these people and thinks we should just not count them. Talk about a nightmare if they were to show up and food and tables weren’t arranged for that many!

Coastiewife: ugh im sorry you are going through this!! My family & friends are the exact same way.. None of them are into weddings and my bridesmaids live far away so its hard for them to help. Ive done the majority of planning on my own and my FI has helped ALOT thankfully! When it gets closer to the time im going to be delegating smaller tasks they can do such as calling people who havent RSVPd.. can your bridesmaids help you with this? They can do this while being far away still. Also the majority of work DIY stuff and setting up will happen the weekend of where more people can help. Maybe it will be the same for you?

Coastiewife: Is your fiance away? If he’s out of town he’s obviously off the hook, but if he’s living with or near you, then he should be helping. You should talk to your fiance and he should help.

When the RSVP date passes (plus a day or two), you and your fiance should phone people and ask if they’re coming. If they say “I don’t know”, you reply, “Well I’ll have to take that as a ‘no’ then”. Everyone has to do a bit of that – but 120 is a lot, I agree.

Any help I got I had to ask for. At times I felt overwhelmed, but then I asked for help. Your FI should be helping you out however he can.

As for the RSVPs, I had lots of people who didn’t respond. I sent around an email reminding people to do so and most actually did!! I would really advise against just not pursuing those last rsvps. I know there are quite a few for you, but do a mass email and you’l get many. Delegate some calls to your FI and anyone else who will actually help (not your mom, in this case). Make some calls yourself.

Make a list of everything else you need to get done and how many things you have to do so tht you can have at least 10 days to more-or-less relax. Start doing them, one or two a day if possible.

Also, make sure you take some breaks and do NON-wedding things so you don’t overload on wedding.

Whats your FI doing to help…. im sure 120 phone calls can be split between whos side the people are on…ir. your mother in law and fil can help make calls just like your parents and FI can. Also this is your wedding no one will care as much as you do about it.

I had help in the beginning when my mom was paying for a significant portion of the wedding. When I realized that help meant control I decided she was better suited to just come as an invited guest. My husband was somewhat helpful in that he researched stuff online and found the company we used to officiate the wedding and take pictures. But, I created the invitation and the only way I was able to get him to even read it before I sent it off was to ask his him to pick his favorite font out of the choices I gave him. I selected the restaurant and he picked the price fixe menu, but narrowing down the restaurant was time consuming. I picked and put together the favors. Even though he really wanted a guitar player at the ceremony he didn’t pick out songs for him to play. I only had one song request.. He helped with stuff he wanted to and stuff he wasn’t interested in or I didn’t care about we just didn’t do.

What about skipping the shuttles and the slide show?

People can caravan from site to site. Just give them all addresses to plug into their phones/ GPS or provide direction cards.

You can display the photos somewhere at the ceremony- welcome table instead of a slide show, which as a guest is super boring anyway.

As soon as the deadline hits…I would email or text people (if you previously communicated by email or text) that way you can get a quick yes/ no reply back. Sometimes you end up playing phone tag, so 120 calls can turn into 240 or more calls. Then I would tackle the calls. If you don’t get a response from your email or text people after two full days call them. If you get voicemails advise you are putting them down as a NO.

Text/ Email: hey this is Bride, I didn’t get your RSVP in the mail, please let me know if you are coming to the wedding. I have to give a head count to the caterer by close of business tomorrow.

OR: hey this is Bride, I didn’t get your RSVP in the mail, and am turning in the head count to the caterer tomorrow. I have you and (guest) as a No/ Not coming. Please confirm ASAP.

Coastiewife: Try to remember that though all of this stuff is super hectic, you should still enjoy doing those things because, how often do you get to plan a wedding to the one you love!? I’m way farther out than 5 weeks but even when I get worked up about things like, a color not being right or some of the “what if’s”; in the end, I’m still thrilled and excited to be doing all those things because they’re leading up to the most awesome day ever and I want to really enjoy this time doing all these things!

Coastiewife: my husband is also in the military. I never asked my bridesmaids for help and they didn’t offer. Nobody really WANTS to do that stuff, sorry. Citing health issues is not an excuse. I would think if I had health issues my FI would help me. Him being in the military isn’t an excuse for him to do nothing the entire time. If it was that stressful or I really had little to no funds I would scale back or elope. A slideshow is NOT necessary and they’re boring for most guests so you can skip that. Also, trust me, you can skip a bunch of other things you probably want to DIY. I don’t know what else to say except I don’t agree with asking people for free help even if it’s friends. That’s what a wedding planner is for.

To be fair my husband was deployed at the beginning and my mom helped a lot then. She went on all venue tours and met with some vendors with me. Again, I had 6 bridesmaids and would’ve never asked them for free help. They did throw me a shower and attend my bachelorette.

Are you still not working? If not you have nothing but time. Why can’t you get stuff done? It seems you use being Ill as a clutch that everyone should be helping you. If I were that sick I would not plan a large wedding that stressed me out Especially if I were too sick to even work.

I can relate and it definitely sucks! I have been engaged since October and am getting married in 5 weeks too! My family and all of my bridesmaids are hours away so it’s been hard to get help with everyone’s busy schedules. My FI has been very involved,luckily, but it still makes me feel like no one is excited as me and FI.

While I’m sorry no one has offered to help, that’s really their prerogative. No one is obligated to help you with this stuff, not even bridesmaids. The only “job” I assigned my girls was to pick out and order their dresses. This is my (and my fiance’s) wedding, and I don’t expect anyone else to make sacrifices of time, money, or energy for it (other than to be there and support me on the day of).

I still have over a year to go, but I know my mom, grandmother, FMIL & of course FI will help me when it gets closer. I have serious health issues as well and one of the problems is easily aggravated by stress. Making telephone calls absolutely terrifies me so when I absolutely need to call a vendor, my FI does it or my grandmother does it. However, right now I am doing basically all of the planning on my own and I am actually loving it. I love doing research, so I know that helps.

Breathe. Have faith that the important things are done or will be done. Make a list of things you must do ( not wants, like the slides show, but must haves like the RSVP) and then set aside an hour in the morning and an hour at night to work through the list.

If you are sick, I agree with PP that you should consider cutting some of the DYI. It’s more important that you take care of yourself while managing the must dos. And you know what? It’s going to be great. No one else cares about the details you might need to cut. They are there to see a happy bride and groom.