BURKAS FOR BAPTISTS

BURKAS FOR BAPTISTS

A woman should examine her motives and goals for the way she dresses. Is her intent to show the grace and beauty of womanhood? Is it to reveal a humble heart devoted to worshiping God? Or is it to call attention to herself and flaunt her beauty? Or worse, to attempt to lure men sexually? These questions are attributed to uber-preacher and suspected male John MacArthur in a document titled Modesty Check, which was recently distributed in the ladies room of a prominent Germantown church. Modesty Check provides a handy set of guidelines for the modern woman who needs constant reassurance that the F in her F-- me pumps stands for forgive. It s a concise how-to-dress manual for ladies who don t wish to spend eternity up to their necks in boiling monkey urine, orally pleasuring the devil s pet porcupine. Some choice excerpts from this charming text:

A word on purse straps: How could a purse possibly be a modesty concern? When you are wearing the strap across your chest. Regardless of the shirt you ve got on, this accentuates your chest and creates a temptation for men.

If I m wearing a button-down top, I need to turn sideways and move around to see if there are any gaping holes that expose my chest. If there are, I ve got to grab the sewing box and pin between the buttons.

Am I wearing a spagheti-strap, halter top, or see-through blouse? Not even pins will fix this problem! Most guys find these very unhelpful. It s time to go back to the closet.

I also have to turn around to see if what I m wearing is too tight around my derriere, or if the outline of my underwear shows. If so, I know what I have to do!

And for my shorts ... If I see too much leg, I need a longer pair.

And don t forget -- this all applies to formal wear as well. And ladies, if you absolutely must have your favorite Bible quotation tattooed somewhere on your body, it should never be on the chest or the derriere. The elbow is widely considered to be the driest, least-lascivious body part, perfectly suited for shorter verses, like, Jesus wept.