Can we talk about hair?

In college, I took a class on meditation. I’m sure that there were a few kids who registered for the course because they wanted to earn a philosophy credit for literally just sitting there doing nothing, but I was elated to explore a new spiritual practice.

I quickly discovered that I made a terrible pseudo-Buddhist.

I had imagined myself serenely edging toward enlightenment; instead, I fidgeted uncomfortably and repeatedly failed to focus on my breath. No matter how many times I gently redirected my “monkey mind,” my thoughts drifted to the same absurd subject: my hair.

Should I grow it out? Dye it blonde? Or purple! What about getting bangs?

Truth is, I’d never really been concerned with my hair before taking that class, but the second my butt hit the zafu cushion, it was as if I was mentally narrating those hairstyle magazines that litter salon waiting areas.

During a weekend retreat, I pulled my teacher aside and confessed my weird obsession. His response? “Maybe you should shave your head.”

I didn’t follow his advice.

While I didn’t learn much about meditation that semester, I did learn something about hair: it has spiritual significance. I could have discovered this within my own tradition; the Bible is rife with references to hair. Hair is alternately a woman’s glory and a man’s strength. In a time of chaos and sorrow, the Israelites were challenged to cut off their hair as a sign of lamentation. And in the sensual Song of Songs, the woman’s beautiful locks delight her lover.

The allure of hair is taken so seriously that several religious traditions still call for women’s heads to be covered.

Meanwhile, after years of getting that Gwyneth Paltrow bob from Sliding Doors and enduring stage after awkward stage of growing it out, I’ve settled into a super short pixie cut. I like how easy it is. I like that it makes me stand out a bit, something my dishwater brown hair doesn’t do otherwise. I like that having a pixie cut makes me – well, the kind of woman who has a pixie cut (confident, plucky, and conceivably French).

A friend sent me a message recently. She was in the midst of grappling with the logistics of transporting the human and canine members of her family from Malawi to Philadelphia. I opened up the note expecting a prayer request.

“This is very deep and spiritual and definitely what I should be obsessing about days before an international move,” she wrote. “I am thinking of doing a pixie cut. I have curly hair, so it would be a different pixie than yours, but, may I ask, have you loved the pixie? (It looks wonderful on you.)”

I laughed. Of course she was thinking about her hair, and though she meant it facetiously, of course there was depth to her fixation. I encouraged her to go for it, and when I saw her a few weeks later, safe and sound in the United States, I gave her a big hug and told her how much I loved her new style. She admitted that she always has to change her hair when she’s changing her life.

Ever the spiritual seeker, in recent years I’ve been drawn to the Ignatian tradition, which teaches that God can be encountered in all things. You don’t have to compartmentalize the sacred and the secular, the significant and the superfluous. You certainly don’t have to shave your head to be more spiritual.

Even something as simple as your hair can mean something.

When Jesus is trying to make the disciples understand God’s love for them, he tells them “even the hairs of your head are all counted.” So run your fingers through your hair – long or short, dyed or natural, day-old dingy or squeaky clean – and consider yourself beloved.

What does your hair mean? Have you ever changed your hair because you were changing your life?

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Reader Interactions

Comments

I don’t know you but dishwater has never looked so cute as your hair does. I wouldn’t call it that color at all. And I still love a line from Elizabeth Gilbert’s EAT LOVE PRAY about how her friend was a therapist who met with woman who had traveled from Cambodia to places of safety and all they wanted to talk about wasn’t their journey or fears but men they had loved/lost/left. It’s the same as hair to me.

I just realized I’ve changed my hair with every phase of life to as I get more comfortable in my skin. From “officially a little girl” to “going to a big school with lockers” to “becoming an adult” and so on. I had my most recent change less than six months after I got married. It started off intentional, but now it’s just a natural thing I do.

Right before we made a massive cross-country move that also involved going back to school for my husband, I cut my hair short (not quite a pixie because I didn’t feel that brave) and dyed it red.
It just made sense at the time, something I had to do although I couldn’t say why.

Great timing on this post–I was just thinking of cutting my hair last night! I don’t know that I can say I get a new cut with every life change, though. I’ve always been antsy about my hair, changing it at least every year or two. Maybe I’m subconsciously changing my hair every time I want a change in my life? And I’m so glad someone else feels the spiritual significance of this! People always looked at me like I was crazy when I tried to explain how much better and freer I felt after a new style.

I’d love to try a pixie, but now that I’m pregnant, I’m afraid people will think I’m only doing it to have a “mom” haircut. I’ll probably just stick with a lob for now.

I love how this post totally surprised me. Not at all what I thought I was going to read and as silly as it may sound on the surface, it’s so good and true. When I’m nearing the arrival of new baby or decluttering/simplifying our possessions, those are times when I look back and see that I question my hair and tend to end up at the salon. Interesting–never would’ve noticed that before reading your post!

I’m pregnant and my due date has come and gone, and all I keep thinking about is chopping my hair off. I’m only putting it off so that I know I will be able to manage it in a few post-baby photos. There is something to be said for changing one’s appearance during a tumultuous time in life…it gives a person a sense of control during a time of major change where they might otherwise feel out of control.

I finally grew my hair our and kept it. For so long I had chin-length hair and would let my natural curl go. I liked it. It was easy, but I didn’t feel pretty… weird thing to say…but yeah. I grew it out, figured out how to style it so it was still easy, and I LOVE it!

My beautiful daughter is using her hair to find herself. She is 13 and has permission to dye at will, she is home schooled and the people at church don’t seem to mind so get it out of your system early! She has been coke can red, turquoise, hot pink, fuschia, midnight blue, blue black and currently a silvery lavender. We’ve called a moratorium due to some damage issues but I totally understand what hair means to us. I have decided to go gray, right now it still looks like silver highlights, but I sometimes have the urge to dye it just cause I don’t want to look older, but then I remember maintenance and NOPE, no more, it’s in a shorter bob long enough for a pony tail because right now I don’t want to have to take care of it. I have had the asymmetrical bob, the pixie cut, I even had a pompadour in the ’80s depending on what stage in life I’ve been in I have adjusted my hair to reflect it.

Way to go in allowing your daughter to discover who she is in a safe and fun way. We homeschool too. My son likes longer hair, like Brad Pitt or Thor hair. It would be at home in California, but he gets some flak for it here in the Bible Belt. I don’t get the comments! He’s not trying to be girly. He’s just identified himself as a long hair kind of guy. And he has great hair!

Over the past few years my hair has begun to thin as well as fall out. In fact I have a couple of spots that are close to being completely hairless. It’s been really hard on me and now I see why. I’m also in the middle of a life change, and instead of continuing to be sad about my hair, I’m going to find a cute style and make a change.

Honestly, I didn’t even think about this aspect of the importance of hair, and now I regret that because it is such a big part of the conversation. Thank you for lifting it up. And I hope that you do find a new style that suits you and makes you feel great.

I had never thought about it quite like this but YES, yes, I change my hair when my life changes. I am a short hair person at heart but it has varied between pixie and long bob with all sorts of styles in between.

My hair was a long bob when we married (long for me) and I had it cut into a pixie in Paris during our honeymoon over a decade ago. Last year I took on a challenging (and stressful) job and cut my mid-length bob into a pixie again. I, too, like the freedom it brings but I’m feeling a short Amelie style bob is in my future…

At 43 I have begun to stand up for myself, be independent. Since I was sixteen I have colored my hair because of all the grey popping up. I have always said I was too young to look old. Such a lie….you are only as old as you feel, you’ve heard that cliché right? So out with the old in with the new…I gave up on coloring my locks last November. Decided if I was going to be the real me I would go all the way. Embracing my true hair color has been the ultimate in challenging my new found self confidence. I did not realize how much I based my beauty on the appearance of my hair. Coloring was always the quick fix. A cut or trim was always a new perspective. Growing out the color to let the natural shade shine through has been…..a real test of patience and belief in myself inside. I am happy with my decision and tell people that growing my hair out is like unwrapping a Christmas present one inch of wrapping each month. I am now excited to see what my true color really is.

This could not be more timely. I recently chopped 12″ off my decade+ long hair (leaving me with a chin length bob.) The spiritual component was easily identified when I felt such internal fear/ resistance at the thought of cutting so much of it (less bc I wanted a new ‘do and more for the donation length minimum.) Then I felt like I *needed* to do it as a spiritual gesture of “letting go”- largely of the “Disney princess hair= more likely to get a date” principle. I’d say fallacy but honestly, I can tell the response from the men around me is lackluster- there’s a lot of “Wow, you cut your hair. Do you like it? What made you do it?” (Read: Holy hell, why on earth did you do that?!?!?!) There’s nothing like a statement of the wildly obvious followed by a shocked line of questioning then a much delayed ” It looks good” to make a girl feel pretty. I have felt ridiculous, both for crying myself to sleep the night I did it and for the ensuing few weeks in which I’ve STILL found myself wrestling with identity issues and keep it?/ don’t keep it? questions. In the end I didn’t “let go,” I just did it anyway and forced myself to face all the internal identity junk I was/ am holding on to. And few things have ever made me feel more “first world problem” than this! So grateful for your post!

You’re not ridiculous at all. And I think it’s universal to want to feel/be beautiful. But so much more powerful when we’re able to claim that on our own terms, and not buy into what the culture is dictating… I’m glad this resonated with you. And kudos to you for donating – I tried to grow my hair once and I just couldn’t do it.

SMiling here…age 46 going through some major life challenges with teens/health issues/marriage and I just told my hair stylist I want to work on a new “style” that will go with the impending gray. Anyway, another side note…I’ve just completed 2 years of spiritual formation training that is based on Ignatian Spirituality…so resonate with this way of be-ing with myself and others. My female classmates there have had this whole hair discussion.

I am almost 36 and I have recently been cutting my fine hair shorter and shorter. It was just cut shy of a pixie cut and I just finished graduate school – I felt a pull to change something externally – and hair is one of the easiest for me to change. How funny that this was my outward expression of moving on to new, and hopefully, better things! Such a timely post, thanks!!

YES, I think I’ve changed my hair EVERY time my life has changed. I’ve always thought of it as a very liberating thing to cut my hair off and so at the end of every relationship I had, I cut it. When I left home for college, I cut it from my mid back to my ears… and put turquoise streaks in it. It went up and down my back for the next 30+ years.

Today, at 53, I wear it mohawk style. In 2012, I was laid off after 25 plus years in a corporate leadership role – That was a HUGE life change – I stopped dying it dark. I started dying my hair at 13 (poured peroxide on it trying to get “Sun In’ effects). Now, I embrace the silver that was taking over and it is fiercely platinum and white. (my daughter says I look somewhere between Pink, Miley & Maclemore… scary image – lol.) I think i look like a superhero, Storm, and I’m ready for my next life adventure!

We can certainly talk about hair, as long as we can also talk about the excellence in this post’s simplicity. I loved it. A hair-obsessed girl myself (currently sporting summery highlights), I always feel a tad shallow — maybe selfish — for even considering my hair in the morning, for wanting to try new things and make look nice. But you’re absolutely right — it has significance. It’s not essential, but it is part of the temple God gave us to live in.

Today, instead of griping to the mirror about my hair, I will run my fingers through it and consider myself beloved.

Great post! I also have a pixie cut and I love it for all the reasons you listed. I told myself for years that I would cut my hair short on my 30th birthday. Well last year my first baby was born prematurely and was in the hospital for a month. It was a hard and trying time (though thankfully he is home and healthy now) and I decided after things settled down that the hair cut was happening early. I needed something to mark that time as over and done and chopping my hair was just the thing. I think I had been so nervous to cut it but after going through something significantly more trying and difficult, I knew that a little haircut couldn’t scare me. And of course, I love it!

Well, I am 60 and a hair stylist! I have always had as my mantra – You can’t sell color if you don’t wear color!

But I decided to go gray and grow my hair to donate. After 5 years of cutting off 2 inches every 3-4 months, I donated two 22 inch braids. Currently I am sporting a Bob, AKA Miss Fisher on PBS.

I notice in my clients that they come in looking for a change often to the trending celebrity. However, I always ask the following questions: 1. How often do you wash your hair? 2. Do you use hair products? 3. Do you use styling tools?

Many wash every day and many wash every few days or weekly. Many do not use products or tools. Well, you have to realize that unless you have a personal stylist or spend a good deal of time styling, your hair is not going to look like that picture!

I advise people to find a style they like and stick with it . Or have fun and change it up, but be prepared to “fix” it and keep up with the roots. Unless you do, it is going to look like a hot mess so don’t tell people I did your hair!

I’m 27 and already fighting the grey hairs. I’ve dyed it and dyed it and I just feel so unnatural slopping a wad of brown color on my roots. My stylist called me yesterday telling me that she needed to reschedule my next cut and color appointment. While I was bummed that I had to wait, I felt happy that I had more time to stalk other women and choose a hair style I like. I do this every time. When will I learn that my hair will never come out the same as the celebrity or model that I am comparing my hair too. Not today I guess… off to pinterest I go!

Yes, I have changed my hair because my life was changing either with a new cut and color or one or the other. Recently I went and got my hair cut short for the summer and told the lady cutting it to have fun with it and as long as it looked good with my face I did not care what she did too much.
Now my life is changing unexpectedly since we have decided to buy our first house together since I got my hair cut.

Thank you for this post! I have often changed my hair style/ color in response to changes in my life. I dated 3 men before getting married nearly 6 years ago. Perhaps it’s because I love musicals but when I broke up with each of them I felt the need to wash them out of my hair (see musical South Pacific ) – twice I did and the third I ran out into the pouring rain and splashed in the puddles- maybe that’s why he and I ended up getting back together and married 5 years later!?!?! But with all, I also cut colored and changed my hair style as well. I also tend to go shorter in the warm months and longer in the winter months. Now that spring is here I think it’s time for a new ‘do!

I remember this well! At the time you made a remark about “how closely hair is tied with self.” I still think of that at times. In my own experience I’ve learned that a compelling urge to do something drastic to my hair (usually color) is one of the first signs that I feel out of control and/or adrift in some part of my life. Since recognizing this as a sign of something deeper I’ve generally been able to redirect my focus and figure out what the problem is. Sometimes I even still let myself do the crazy thing with my hair, because it’s not just the canary in my coalmine – I also genuinely like playing with hair color. Right now, for example, I’m working out the kinks in a pink-to-purple gradient… which I felt compelled to pursue as an outgrowth of pregnant-lady nesting anxiety. So, yes: hair continues to be inextricably tied to self, at least for me. I’ve decided simply to accept that and incorporate it into my overall self-care repertoire

Oh to have a pixie cut like yours Katherine! Unfortunately for me, it fits my lifestyle but not my face. But think of the resources saved by sporting cropped locks. Water, soap, power (heating the water)… heck, time! I love it. I will pass this on.

I never comment. But I loved this post. I used to always keep my hair long because it was easy to throw up in a ponytail and I didn’t have to get it trimmed very often (I’m cheap like that.) but last year during some promotions at work, I got my hair cut into a wedge and used a flat iron for the first time. I was also able to donate 12 inches of hair in honor of my mom’s fight with cancer. Hair is significant. Thanks for writing this!

I change my hair occasionally, but only once did it come with a life change. (The birth of my second child). All the other changes I’ve agonized over and then went for it…and hated it. The second child haircut was a fun one and lasted the longest (a year and a half) but I got tired of it. I wanted my long hair back.

My last haircut was a fiasco. I had grown it out so I could donate it to locks of love and still have long hair left over. The girl didn’t listen and instead of below my shoulders, it ended above my shoulders. I wanted to donate 10″, I donated 13. Plus she cut an extra 3 or so inches beyond that. I can’t wait for it to grow out again! It’s getting there, but very sloooowly.

You reminded me of the absolutely horrible haircut I got right after my older daughter was born. Not a good thing for a postpartum mama to get an unflattering new hairdo! I finally broke down a couple weeks later and went to a different salon – the stylist told me it looked like it had been “cut with teeth”. Ugh!!

I’m sorry, Hope. I don’t think I was sufficiently sensitive about the other side of the coin – if, in fact, hair is significant, it can be really troubling when illness or age take their toll. With or without a full head of hair, you are beloved. Thank you for sharing your experience.

I so love this conversation! I love the emphasis on the spiritual significance of your hair. Makes me want to dig deeper and press into that for more information.

I had long curly hair and recently cut the back shorter and kept the front long. The hair stylist told me she had never cut anything like that before and that it was going to look really bad! Granted, the hair stylist was my MIL… Anyways, the result is totally me and I am in love with it! I’m so glad I went with what I wanted and didn’t let the hair stylist talk me out of it. I associate this new haircut with coming out of my shell. I’ve been in a timid life phase so to speak, but I am coming out to be more of “me” and part of that shows up in my hair. This hair cut is the most ME I have ever been with any hair cut I have ever had, out of my whole life!

It’s funny because I wrestled with a haircut this week. As I’ve gone from the short buzzed haircut to growing it out I’m amazed at how much attention my hair gets from parishioners. “I would pay to have those curls” is often a phrase I hear. Now, instead of having the freedom to cut my hair in whatever style I want, I feel trapped because I don’t want it to again become the focus or distraction for church members when they should be focusing elsewhere. What a dilemma for a male pastor. Ha!
Great light hearted, but very real article. Thanks for sharing. Peace!

I had to laugh when I read you comment because it’s always a great controversy when our pastor either grows out or shaves his facial hair. He was always clean shaven and then came back from summer vacation with facial hair. A lot of us were a bit freaked out, lol. But when he shaved it again, he got so many comments he grew it back! It’s entertaining but definitely a silly distraction.

Like Connie and Hope, my hair was affected by health issues. First I had a craniotomy which left a scar, then immediately started losing hair due to alopecia. This was 6 months before my wedding. Amidst the numerous difficulties of recovering from surgery and the stresses of wedding planning, the only things that left me sobbing and feeling empty inside was the loss of some of my hair, compounded by losing my trusted hair-stylist. It took me a long time to get comfortable with having another (very talented) person cut and style my hair. And I had to work very hard to disconnect my beauty and worth from my hair, even though I’m not a super-stylish fashion-forward person. It is amazing the value we assign to our hair – and useful to be aware of it.

Ha! I’ve gone through a hair evolution over the last few years. I think it is tied to entering my forties and finally arriving at the point where I don’t care what others think about my hair. I’m learning to accept – even embrace – the hair God gave me. I spent almost three decades hating my misbehaving curls. Thanks to a friend, I found out about proper care of curls and decided to go natural. It’s been great! So freeing. Just over the last month, I’ve been considering letting the grey take over. It’s the same sentiment I had about the curl. I’m so much more secure about myself, I don’t need to worry about rogue curls or greys. THIS DOES NOT MEAN I AM JUDGING OTHERS. I know some people straighten curls or curl their straight just because they like it. Same for varying color choices. But for me, rejecting the curls or the natural color was a sign of a deeper dissatisfaction with myself. And I’ve overcome THAT, at least.

I don’t give a lot of thought to my hair. It has been almost. exactly the same my entire life (I’m in my mid-thirties), which is long and parted down the middle (thanks, Mom ;)). Maybe I like consistency in the many crazy changes of life? 😉

Last September, I decided to move to a new city and start grad school for a completely different career path. I was ready for a change. Problem was, I was going to have to wait a year, while I took some prerequisites, saved some money, etc. I was desperate for a change and stuck where I was. I knew the one thing I could change was my hair- so I went and chopped it all off! It was a great way to tangibly change something in my life, when I felt so stuck!

When I was a teenager I complained about my hair to my mother. She said, “I’m sorry, but maybe you were in the second row when the Lord passed out the good hair.” I have always remembered that comment. Over the years I have come to realize I enjoy being in the second row – whether is is Yoga, Zumba or just a regular classroom situation.

This is great! I just turned 40 and almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Celiac disease. I had lost almost half of my super long wavy hair that always got tons of compliments. Suddenly it was sorta stringy and hard to style so I cut half of it off. Since then it keeps creeping shorter. I did the asymmetric thing and then when I wasn’t thrilled with my last cut just before my 40th birthday I started looking at the pixie cut. I’d done it years ago after my first child was born to spite my husband (yeah that wasn’t a great reason…) but I truly thought I would NEVER cut my hair again. I thought it was something women did when they gave up. But after perusing Pinterest for a few days I fell in love with the pixie again and I went for it. What I realize is that I have been set free from my hair! Hair is easy to hid behind and I’ve been doing that for years. One of my friends lost her hair during chemo and she said it was only hair. She got to live. Losing my hair in that way was always terrifying to me. Now? Well, I realize that I am a lot more than a head of hair. Even my husband loves it. (different husband 😉 ) And Tuesday I’m going to get it cut even shorter. I think this fits my new minimalist strivings very well. I’ve been freed from the blow dryer and the curling iron and flat iron that I never really got the hang of anyway. I’ll save money on shampoo and conditioner although I may go through more goo to run through it since its naturally a bit curly and needs some guidance, even when short. But that’s ok. I’m all about making life more simple. And if I can pretend to be a bit French in the process, well I won’t argue with that either! I love my newly shorn hair!!

Four years ago, I got married and moved across the country with my husband; in that time, I haven’t had many friends or support besides my husband, and he just doesn’t ‘get’ the things that I love, especially when I try to explain any kind of spiritual/emotional reasoning behind things that just seem ‘materialistic’ to him. Reading this is validation, which is pure therapy for me, and I need it like I need air–so thank you for writing it, and I am so grateful when I read all the comments of agreement, too!

HA!! I actually colored parts of my hair purple for my 44th birthday. I love it and I’m ready for a redo. I smiled at myself every time I saw it in the mirror. How often do you normally smile at your own reflection?

I most definitely changed my hair to match a change in my life! I was raised in a “soft cult” church (very legalistic) that had strong rules for the women; long hair to never even be trimmed EVER, had to wear dresses, no make-up, jewelry…you get the drift. So, when I went to the hairdresser for the first time to just get it trimmed and all one length (I had long to my lower back hair but thin and wispy at the ends), it was traumatic and exciting. My hair over the 14 years since has gotten shorter and shorter. It took me about 10 years to find a style I liked. Quite a process!