Sunday, September 27, 2015

Weekend Nerding

Maybe the weekend civilization collapses, again, so let’s hope you’ve laid in a supply of Twinkies and booze.

Sunday night through Monday morning brings us a cool look-to-the-skies treat: a “supermoon” — in which the full moon looks about 14% larger than usual (no, it won’t be gigantic, nor will it be dripping blood. If it does, call Buffy) — which will also be eclipsed by the shadow of the Earth, making it look all nice and red.

4 comments:

Matthew Cole Hi goodstuff, Ive been aware of this blood moon and pending apocalypse for quite some time now. Luckily Ive been prepping and have found some interesting pointers on the net . So we are entering the final hours of the age of mankind, we need to get prepared for the coming onslaught. Stay one step ahead of ET.

1. Know thine enemy: Luckily, there are lots of guides out there about how to spot an alien and how to know his intentions – violent or sexual. According to this helpful pamphlet, the ones to avoid are the grays, the mantises, the reptilians, the shadows and anything that looks like Satan. A shorter way of putting this is “if you meet a talking insect, run away quite fast.” Apparently these creepozoids all communicate by telepathy, and they all walk around naked as the day they were spawned. That’s right: they’ve got the technology to fly all this way from the Xenu system, but they haven’t yet invented pants. It's a funny old universe.

2. Respect their history: The only way we’ll know how to beat them is to better understand where they’re coming from. That pamphlet contains some fascinating details, for instance: “The grays came to planet Earth under the influence of the reptilians in the early 1880s because the reptilians gave the grays some of their technology in exchange for which the grays agreed to do some work for them.” The grays love technology but are physically weak and have “no spirituality”. They are the Apple store workers of the solar system.

3. Stockpile baked beans and guns: Because when the aliens come you’ll need something to eat and something to kill with. And all that talk about the social benefits of gun control will suddenly seem very silly indeed.

4. If they do try to mate with you, get a good lawyer: The experience of most abductees is that they whisk you up into the stars, make sweet love, dump you back on Earth … and you never see the kids. Insist on a prenup in case they start demanding child support (why should you pay for a talking mantis you’ve never even met?), and if you do want visitation rights insist that they come to you. You don’t want to have to spend every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on Alpha Centauri.

5. If they ask you to take them to your leader, please do: It’s the only way we’ll ever get rid of Tony Abbott. (more proof here that it has begun!)

Finally, if you want to avoid getting abducted then the golden rule is not to be mad. Aliens tend to target mad people – especially those who live alone in Tweed Heads who have very few teeth and claim to be a Big Foot hunter. If you are sane, the chances of meeting an alien diminish dramatically.