Too often, I find myself in the craziest situations that seem too funny to be true, yet too impossible to make up! This blog is dedicated to my exploits & all things fabulous. Enjoy!

Friday, March 23, 2007

F*ck List

Friday, March 23, 2007 Current mood: crazyYou have to check out Tytus Penn's "F_cklist". To call it entertaining would be an understatement. http://www.myspace.com/tytuspennmusic Here's what I added to the mix. I'm a nut, but you already know that so enjoy! And while I'm at it, FUCK insomnia...FUCK people who get mad at me because they're not in my top 8 or they don't like which position they're in on my page. It's called MYspace...it's MY shit! Be happy I don't delete your ass.FUCK the fact that I can't get to sleep at night without sleeping pills. If they're habit forming, why does my doctor keep prescribing them? DUH!FUCK mosquitos.FUCK mayonnaise.FUCK spiders.FUCK Jim Jones (the rapper and the Kool-Aid dude...)FUCK cats for eating the baby ducks outside. :(FUCK you for being able to sell a million without saying nothin' on a track.FUCK Gentrification.FUCK drive-thru Starbucks. Ok, so you can't make your own coffee nor can you get out of the car??? You lazy bitch...do you want me to drink it for you too?FUCK those amateur stripper "aerobics" classes. They're for bitches that wanted to be strippers but were too afraid to get up on the stage. "But it's a good workout!" So is fuckin'. If they offered a fuck class at CRUNCH would you sign up for that too?FUCK Chinese Food/Video stores or Chinese Food/Southern Fried Chicken spots or Chinese Food/Donut Shops. Just fuck Chinese Food!FUCK milk on the shelf that expires tomorrow.FUCK those big, ugly, white, Frankenstein flip-flops girls wear! I've never seen a pair that didn't have black scuff marks on them. GROSS!FUCK cheap weaves. And FUCK cheap weed.FUCK men who think they know how to eat it...it's not an envelope hun. Use more than the tip of your tongue.FUCK TIME WARNER CABLE!!!!!!!!!! I'm THIS close to getting a Dish, man...FUCK people who drive slow when they're on the phone. If you can't multi-task, pull over to the shoulder bitch!FUCK anyone who believes everything they see/read in the news. Hey stupid, who do you think controls the content? If you want to know what's going on, seek other sources (try BBC.COM to see what the world REALLY thinks about Americans..) Even NPR is a little suspect if you ask me...FUCK Bush for thinking I wasn't paying attention when we first launched this "War On Terror". Uh, weren't we looking for Osama? I remember what I wore on the first day of kindergarten bitch! I can remember something you said 5 years ago. Last time I checked, Afghanistan and Iraq were like 1400 miles away from each other. Get a map!FUCK being lactose intolerant.FUCK that ugly girl who was the week 1 finalist in the King Magazine/Coors Light Model Search. I look 100 times better than she does...I should have won! ;)FUCK all of these girls who take these horrible camera phone bathroom shots and put them on their page. Here's 1 of my butt. Here's 1 of my lips with lots of gloss. Here's 1 with my index finger pointing at the side of my mouth and my eyes bucked like "oops!"FUCK anyone who doesn't make their Photobucket pics private. If I see your nasty coochie, I'm reporting your ass!FUCK "ma" "shorty" "queen" "wifey" and "boo". I'm 30 nigga, call me by my name.FUCK anyone who has music on their voicemail recording. Are you serious? I had music on my pager voicemail back in '93. Since you like to keep it old school "187" "304" "6969" "143". How you like them apples?FUCK apples.FUCK rappers for acting like Patron is some new shit. I can't even drink it anymore without thinking "its on once again, Patron once again." Damnit.FUCK CPS for not taking Britney Spears' kids away from her. If a single black woman with 2 kids gets reported by a neighbor because they think she doesn't have enough food in her fridge, they'll throw her kids into the system, but this bitch is running around bald headed beating up cars with umbrellas and she still has her kids? FUCK them with a double-dong and no Astroglide.FUCK my ex-boyfriend for trying to buy me an ugly ass Marquis engagement ring when I SPECIFICALLY told him I don't like Marquis diamonds! Saw that shit and had to dip, yo...FUCK people who don't have spell check.FUCK anyone who calls me "KIT-SOON". It's Kitsune. "KIT-SOO-NAY". It's Japanese. Look it up. And use your phonics.FUCK public schools that don't teach phonics. :)FUCK people who talk down to restaurant staff. I HOPE they spit in your damn food!FUCK the mailman for arbitrarily stopping the delivery of my mail for two weeks because my name wasn't written in my box. I've been here 3 years...YOU just started on this route! You're brand new bitch, not me!FUCK Richard Fox.FUCK that nasty, white, grape flavored shit they make you drink before you get a CT scan.FUCK the time change. I mean, who do we think we are to decide what time it's going to be? "Oh, and why don't we make it earlier this year..." How fucking self righteous can you be! While we're at it, why don't we move December to where July is so I can wear shorts on Christmas. FUCK "Six Feet Under" for ending...and for showing how everyone dies. I was messed up for a week...for real. And FUCK The Soprano's for taking 2 damn years between seasons!FUCK people who use public bathrooms & don't wash their hands. I'm a germaphobe because of you. Thanks.FUCK 20/20 for showing hotel room bedding, walls & floors under a black light. I saw that in highschool and to this DAY I take the comforter off wherever I stay...and walk around in flip-flops. Nut and feces everywhere y'all.FUCK FedEx for not delivering my best friend's b-day present to her on time today. Her 30th b-day is TODAY, not tomorrow. Hence, NEXT DAY.FUCK whoever told Fergie she could sing.FUCK that stupid "Irreplaceable" song. If you could have "another" him in a minute, remind me again why are you replacing him? The idea is to replace him with someone who is not like him dumbass. Hence REPLACE. Otherwise, you're just exchanging his ass.FUCK people who type solely in abbreviation. When did we become so busy that we no longer have time to type complete words?FUCK people who say "FUCK BUSH"...but they've NEVER voted for anything more than which video they want to see on 106th & Park. Tell me who ran in the last presidential election...I'm waiting...FUCK Ken Jennings for winning on Jeopardy! for like 30 weeks or something crazy like that. Actually, I liked him so fuck me on that one.FUCK Howard Stern for moving to Sirius because my mornings suck now. And FUCK him for leading me to believe that the SIRI stock was going to do something. Bullshit...FUCK Common for performing for less than an hour at HOB Anaheim in February...and doing the EXACT same set that he did when I saw him over a year ago. "Ok, now he's going break dance. Next he'll pull a girl up on the stage, they'll dance to Adore & Bump-N-Grind. Then he'll grab her ass"...blah, blah, blah. The audience wanted an encore...this nigga was already on the 5 FWY!FUCK the girl at Walgreen's who just called me "ma'am!" And FUCK them for not fixing their sign...the "W" is blown out. I picked up my prescription from "Al Greens". I couldn't make that shit up if I tried!UCK Trader Joe's for closing at 9:00 and Whole Foods for putting that FUNKY ass cheese RIGHT by the front door. I have to hold my breath every time I walk in there! One day I'm going to pass out in there, I swear. I'll bump my head and they'll offer me a bandage made out of organic hemp.FUCK people who want to have entire conversations on my comments. "So, what's up. What are you doing tonight. Did you talk to so-and-so? Yeah, I saw such-and-such the other day..." shut up! Pick up the phone if you want to talk. I'm not approving that shit!FUCK people who get mad when I don't approve their comments, and FUCK people who complain about comments left on their page. You have the option to approve all comments, stupid.FUCK my metabolism for slowing down after 25.FUCK 30 being the new 20. When I was 20, I could get up at 6:00am, work all day, go out that night and stay out until 3:00 a.m., sleep 4 hours and be at my desk 8:00 the next morning. Now I can't stay awake through a movie!FUCK Rasta's who date white girls. That makes about as much sense as going to Shabazz and asking for a ham sandwich.FUCK actors...such attention whores. Get over yourself...FUCK Ticket Master's "surcharge" (you can't trust anyone with "Master" in their name!) :) FUCK the lady who did my Brazilian wax last week. She must have seen "40 Year Old Virgin". Had me in there about to yell out "Kelly Clarkson". I'm going back to my Russian lady in Beverly Hills...FUCK my nail lady Sandy who I've been going to for 7 years for telling me that her name is Kelly now because the new nail shop already has a Sandy. Are you fucking serious? You're real name isn't even Sandy so you want me to call you a new fake name to replace your old fake name? Guog Mai Sandy! (That means FUCK YOU Sandy in Vietnamese!)And FUCK my therapist for charging me a $30 co-pay. I feel better now than I do when I leave her office and this was FREE! ;)