Assistant: You can't go in there.
House: Who are you? And why are you wearing a tie?
Assistant: I'm Dr. Cuddy's new assistant. Can I tell her what it's regarding?
House: Yes! I would like to know why she gets a secretary and I don't.
Assistant: I'm her assistant, not her secretary. I graduated from Rutgers.
House: Hmm... I didn't know they had a secretarial school. Well, I hope you
took some classes in sexual harrassment law. Does the word ka-ching mean
anything to you? I'm going in now.
%
House: You met me at a strip club.
Stacy: You were the worst two dollars I ever spent.
%
House: Death row guy. I want the case.
Cuddy: How do you even know about him? You don't have access to the
hospital's mainframe.
House: No, but "partypants" does.
Cuddy: You stole my password?
House: Hardly counts as stealing; it's a pretty obvious choice.
%
House: Well, I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor,
especially a useless drunk.
Cuddy: You're addicted to pain pills.
House: But I'm not useless.
%
House: You know how they say, "you can't live without love"? Well, oxygen is
even more important.
%
House: I have to make him [a patient on death row] all better before
shipping him back for the state to kill him. Is it just me, or is that
weird?
%
Cameron: I took an oath to do no harm.
House: Yeah, well, it's not like they made you sign it or anything.
%
Chase: How does an inmate on death row get his hands on heroin?
Foreman: Are you serious?
House: The man knows prisons. When we've got a yachting question, we'll come
to you.
%
Foreman: You killed four people. Somehow, making mac and cheese just the way
he wants kind of loses its significance.
%
House: I know you're friends with her, but there is a code. Bros before hos,
man.
%
House: Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I'm
not sure how you spell it.
%
[Regarding taking on the case of a man on death row]
Foreman: Aren't there better ways to spend our time?
House: Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a man who cheats on
his wife more deserving than a man who kills his wife?
Foreman: Uh... yeah. Actually, he is.
House: What about a child molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn't
kill anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics, but no MRIs. What about you?
What medical care should you be denied for being a car thief? Tell you what:
the three of you work out a list of what medical treatments a person loses
based on the crime they committed. I'll review it when I get back.
%
Warden: Your patient shanked one inmate his first month here, broke another
one's neck, nearly decapitated one of my guards...
House: Relax, I've got a great bedside manner.
%
Warden: Don't have a respirator.
House: Better get one in about an hour, or you're gonna lose him.
Warden: I'll make out a requisition. The state's already sentenced this man
to die.
House: I think the state was a tad more specific about _how_.
%
Stacy: It was easy once I convinced the clerk to take it to Judge Markem;
he's a sucker for Eighth Amendment arguments.
House: Stop, I'm getting turned on.
%
Cameron: A spot on an X-ray doesn't necessarily mean that she's terminal.
House: I love children. So filled with hope.
%
House: God, I've got to learn not to beat around the bush.
%
Chase: I'm against the death penalty in principle. In practice, however,
watching a murderer die causes me a lot less grief than annoying my boss.
%
Cameron: Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence
than whites.
Foreman: Doesn't mean we need to get rid of the death penalty, do we? It
just means we need to kill more white people.
%
House: I just don't want you working here, in my office. But anywhere else
in the building is fine. It's a big hospital.
Stacy: I'm a lawyer. You're a jerk. There's gonna be some overlap.
House: God, I hope that was a euphemism.
Stacy: Cuddy just reamed me.
House: I hope that one means what I think it means.
%
House: Who wants to head over to the prison and find Clarence's secret stash?
Foreman: Fine, I'll do it.
House: Great! Chase it is.
Chase: I assume you have a reason beyond wanting to make me completely
miserable?
House: You've got a prettier mouth. Better chance the inmates will open up
to you.
%
House: Why are you talking to me?
Stacy: Can't it be enough that I want to cause you pain?
%
Chase: No lesions, no aneurysms. Ironically, the mind of a killer looks
completely normal.
%
Chase: If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex.
House: Tell that to all the hookers that won't kiss me on the mouth.
%
House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
Cuddy: Are you high?
House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
Cuddy: It's Wednesday.
%
Cuddy: You're actually talking about killing her.
House: Just for a little while, I'll bring her right back.
Cuddy: Oh, well, in that case go ahead. Why are we even talking?
%
Foreman: We can do that if you want to ignore what we just discussed.
House: Sounds good.
%
House: Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this
close to lunch.
%
Foreman: Her oxygen saturation is normal.
House: It's off by one percentage point.
Foreman: It's within range. It's normal.
House: If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.
%
House: You see grace because you want to see grace.
Wilson: You don't see grace because you won't go anywhere near her.
%
Wilson: Two wheeled vehicles that travel 150 miles per hour don't really go
well with crippled, irresponsible drug addicts.
%
House: I'm happy to report that we are now so in sync, we're actually
wearing each other's underwear.
%
House: If I tried a scheme like this, you'd get that nasty wrinkly face and
screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit.
%
House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.
%
House: The good news is he won't be bitching about losing his hand if he
can't breathe.
%
House: Might have mentioned this earlier, Doctor. Maybe we could have sent
some blood cultures to the lab, instead of wasting a day indulging your
self-loathing.
%
Foreman: I'm not breaking into my boss's house.
House: I'm your boss.
Chase: She's scarier than you are.
%
[House, Foreman, and Chase are about to break into Dr. Cuddy's house]
House: What do you think? Red thongs? I think red thongs.
%
Cuddy: Are you being intentionally dense?
House: [sarcastic] Huh?
%
Stacy: How's Cuddy doing?
House: She's not acting like Cuddy. It's a pleasure.
Stacy: You know her. She has trouble with these situations, feels personally
responsible.
House: Technical term is narcissism. You can't believe everything is your
fault unless you also believe you're all powerful.
%
Patient: I'm not buying into no racist drug, okay?
House: It's racist because it helps black people more than white people?
Well, on behalf of my peeps, let me say, thanks for dying on principle for
us.
Patient: Look. My heart's red; your heart's red. And it don't make no sense
to give us different drugs.
House: You know, I have found a difference. Admittedly, it's a limited
sample, but it's my experience in the last ninety seconds that all black
people are morons. Sorry, African-Americans.
%
House: You've lost perspective, Cuddy. You've stopped looking at this as a
doctor. You're acting like someone who shoved somebody off their roof. You
want to make things right? Too bad. Nothing's ever right.
%
House: Your guilt. It's perverse, and it makes you a crappy doctor. It also
makes you okay at what you do.
Cuddy: You figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss?
House: Now, would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty?
Makes sex better. [Pointing to Stacy] Should have seen her in the last
months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. Lot of screaming. I know this
wasn't just because it was your roof. Cuddy... you see the world as it is,
and you see the world as it could be. What you don't see is what everybody
else sees: the giant, gaping chasm in between.
Cuddy: House, I'm not naive. I realize-
House: If you did, you never would have hired me. You're not happy unless
things are just right. Which means two things: you're a good boss, and
you'll never be happy.
%
Chase: You're just too nasty to each other to have not been, well, nasty.
House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.
%
[Talking to a patient who has been diagnosed with a cat allergy]
House: You're allergic. We can control it with antihistamines, one pill a
day.
Mandy: Pills?
House: You don't like to swallow? I'm not surprised. Forget the pills, I'll
give you a nasal spray.
Mandy: Steroids? Is there something else you can give me?
House: Well, if you live by the river, I've got a bag.
%
Cuddy: Dr. Sebastian Charles collapsed during a presentation at Stoia Tucker.
House: Really? Crushed under the weight of his own ego?
%
House: The nameless poor have a face, and it's a pompous white man.
%
House: Welcome aboard the Good Ship Asskisser. Nice day for a sail. Pucker
up, me hearties.
%
Cameron: He asked me out.
Chase: I'm shocked. [Cameron glares at him] I'm shocked when patients don't
ask you out.
Cameron: He also asked me to come to Africa.
Chase: Boy, he moves fast.
%
Foreman: What's the emergency?
House: [Looking at his yo-yo] I can't remember how to do Walk the Dog.
%
Sebastian: [Snaps his fingers] Another person just died. Where is your
outrage?
House: [Keeps snapping] Sure, they're dying, but it's got a great beat.
%
Sebastian: Nah, TB's my disease.
House: You own a disease? Well, I'm sorry I missed the IPO on dengue fever.
%
House: Take the pills or I let you die, do an autopsy, call my own press
conference, and make sure the world knows that you didn't die of TB.
Corporate sponsors will be disappointed, but they'll find another disease.
Sebastian: Why would you do that?
House: Because I'm just a mean son of a bitch.
%
Sebastian: Every minute 4 people die of TB.
House: Wow, how can you sleep at night?
Sebastian: There's people dying in Africa of a disease that we cured over --
House: Yeah, I know. I saw the concert. Seriously, let's say you sleep six
hours, that means every night you kill 1440 people. I guess you gotta get
some sleep, but come on, if you'd stayed up another 10 minutes you could
have saved 40 lives. Do you send notes to the families in the morning?
That's gonna take at least ten minutes, so that's another 40 dead, another
40 notes... why don't you go wrack yourself with guilt in your own room?
%
[While pointing to Sebastian and talking to newspeople]
House: THAT IS NOT TB!
[Cuts to Drs. Wilson and Foreman]
Wilson: Compelling television.
%
[To Newsweek reporter]
House: In my opinion, Dr. Sebastian Charles is an idiot! Yeah, you can quote
me... C-U-D-D-Y.
%
House: Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries
another tear.
Wilson: You're just mad that he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.
House: And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes. Crazy, crazy world.
%
House: There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our
family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give
a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we
couldn't function.
Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.
House: Just not as honest about it.
%
Sebastian: What he [House] just did --
Foreman: Abusive and unprofessional. If he hadn't done it, we wouldn't have
seen the problem.
%
Sebastian: I think doctors like House cling to objectivity like a
three-year-old to a blanket: don't get too worked up, stay calm, stay cool,
and maintain that correct perspective. The only flaw in their argument is,
when you have millions of people dying, the correct perspective is to be
yelling at the top of your lungs.
%
House: He's not even a real doctor; he's a human telethon.
Wilson: Is that your problem with him? You see hypocrites every day. Why is
this guy so special?
House: You think I have a hypocritical attitude to hypocrisy? The problem is
there are 26 letters in the alphabet, and he only uses two of them. He
treats thousands of patients with one diagnosis. He knows the answer going
in. It's cheating.
%
House: You are as big a media whore as he is.
Cuddy: Of course I am. It couldn't possibly be that I think he's right, and
I'd like to be a small part of what he's doing.
House: Oh, whores can like the sex. Doesn't mean they're not whores.
%
House: You want third-world treatment? [Turns up the thermostat] You got it.
Boy, is it hot here in Jani!
Cameron: What are you doing?
House: What am I doing? [He knocks Sebastian's things onto the floor]
Putting everything on the floor of the hut. Uh oh, wicked magic box with the
moving pictures!
Cameron: You think he's a hypocrite?
House: [Unplugging the TV] Hypocrite? No, everyone in Africa's got cell
phones or running water. [He has dropped Sebastian's cell phone in the
toilet] This thing just will not flush.
Sebastian: Do you really think that if you come in here and make it a little
hot, make it smell a little, that I'm just going to fold and abandon
everything that matters to me?
House: [Wiping his cane on Sebastian's blanket] Lousy sanitation over there,
too. You are not the same as them; your life is not the same. And you are
cheapening everything they're going through by pretending you are.
%
House: D'you notice how all the self-sacrificing women in history -- Joan of
Arc, Mother Theresa, can't think of any others -- they all die alone. The
men, on the other hand, get so much fuzz, it's crazy.
%
Foreman: Good? This is bizarre.
House: Bizarre is good! Common has hundreds of explanations. Bizarre has
hardly any.
%
Wilson: We're discussing your new patient.
House: Must be a boring discussion seeing as how I haven't accepted a new
patient.
Wilson: You accepted him the moment I loaned you five grand.
House: Oooohhhh...wait, wait. When I said I'd do anything for the money,
obviously I didn't mean it.
Cameron: Why would you need five thousand dollars?
Chase: Bad night at poker...or great night with a hooker?
House: Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal
question with a joke.
%
Wilson: If you have the money, then why did you need the loan?
House: I didn't. Just wanted to see if you would give it to me. I've been
borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year
ago. A little experiment to see where you draw the line.
Wilson: You're...you're trying to...objectively measure how much I value our
friendship?!
House: Hey, it's five grand. You've got nothing to be ashamed of.
%
Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I
told you you looked good unshaved, a year ago. It's a little experiment, you
know, see where you draw the line.
%
House: Gimme a reason to get out of this, and I'll tell you who started the
rumour about you being a transsexual.
Cuddy: There is no such rumor.
House: There will be unless you get me out of this dinner.
%
Ken: I know the way things work - the better my job, the better my son gets
treated.
House: Right. That's why I'm mad. 'Cause we wasted all that filet mignon on
you.
%
Cameron: Who was that?
House: Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that's sexy?
%
Cameron: So it's OK to lie to House, but not to a patient.
Cuddy: Yep!
%
[Taddy is being wheeled in on a gurney]
House: You Taddy?
Taddy: What?
House: Love the name. If I ever have a dog...
%
House: [after injecting the cyclist] It makes the symptoms go away for five
or six minutes. [patient falls to the ground] Sometimes less.
%
House: This is exactly why I created nurses...cleanup on aisle three!
%
Stacy: Believe me, if I weren't married I'd be all over you like red on rice.
House: But rice isn't... ohhhhhhh, you!
%
House: You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a...I can't think of a
non-sexual metaphor.
%
House: What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short
shorts?
%
Chase: You were right.
House: Now there went three wasted words.
%
Cameron: It's kind of a long shot.
House: Yeah, but it's been over an hour since we poked the patient with
something sharp. Get him a lumbar puncture.
%
House: You are healed. [sticks the patient in the thigh] Rise and walk.
Patient: Are you insane?
House: In the Bible, they just say, "Yes, Lord" and start on in with the
praising.
[Patient protests but regains feeling and gets up]
Patient: What did you do?
House: What did you do, _Lord_?
%
Stacy: We need to talk.
House: Oh, God. Are you pregnant? 'Cause I really wanna finish high school.
%
House: She [Stacy] can't handle working with me.
Cuddy: Oh, right, yeah, she's still got a thing for you, making it
impossible for her to deal, makes perfect sense. Except for the pronouns!
%
Jeff: I do straight blood doping.
Cuddy: Plot twist!
House: That's a very daring confession.
Manager: We've got confidentiality, right?
House: Assuming I'm more ethical than your client.
%
House: The air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the
irony.
%
Foreman: With all due respect, man, I doubt there's anything wrong with you
that you didn't do to yourself.
%
Chase: Micky Mantle was an alcoholic.
Cameron: At least he had his own home runs. He didn't physically alter
himself.
Chase: We take drugs to help us fall asleep, stay awake--
Cameron: We don't make careers out of who can stay awake the longest!
Chase: Really? Ever been to, oh, I don't know, med school?
Foreman: Er, guys? He plays a game for a living. Who cares?
%
House: How's your recovery going? Gotten around to the small muscles yet?
Mark: It's not the size of the muscle; it's where you get to put it.
Stacy: My goodness, it's like watching Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the
third grade.
%
Cameron: Kids love him, and he's not who they think he is. It's not right.
Wilson: Who cares if he's what he says he is? Who the hell is? If love's
based on lies, does that mean it's not a real feeling? Doesn't it bring the
same pleasure?
%
Manager: Okay, I should have told you. It's not just about the races, Jeff;
it's about your image, okay? If you come back from cancer, those sponsors
will be all over you. Okay, so I messed up, but I did _not_ give you EPO!
Jeff: That stuff could kill me.
House: Come on, give her a break. She's only doing what she has to to
advance her career. Don't you have that tattooed on your tushie?
%
House: Now let go of my cane before it becomes your new boyfriend.
Kalvin: Honey, I will marry it if you would look at my file.
House: Congress says you can't, so...
%
House: Just 'cause he says I hit him doesn't make it true. Watch --
[looks up at the ceiling] I am surrounded by naked cheerleaders. [nothing
happens] See?
%
House: Steve McQueen without hair? It's a blessing he died young.
%
House: I am not treating you.
Kalvin: What, because you're a closet case?
Wilson: Er... we're not... er... together.
House: He is so self-loathing.
%
[Dr. House is with Stacy in her, well, house]
Mark: What's going on?
House: It's not what you think. I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes,
but actually, we're having sex.
%
Foreman: Have you read his file?
House: I started, but I found the characters two-dimensional.
%
Wilson: If you want her back, either tell her, or, better yet, shut up and
cry yourself to sleep like everybody else.
%
Cameron: I love my job.
Kalvin: Really? You seem more the "find it exceptionally satisfying" type.
%
Cameron: I have fun.
Chase: Yeah, she's got some scheduled for February.
%
Chase: Pre-World War II fluorescent bulbs contained large amounts of
beryllium. Beryllium dust inflames the lungs, they get rigid, patient can't
breathe. [Dr. House gives him a questioning look] My father co-authored a
paper on acute berylliosis.
House: Phew! For a moment there I thought you were smart.
%
Kalvin: [To Dr. Cameron] Oh, would you stop being nice? It's useless, and
worse, it's boring.
%
House: He thought he was dying. Dying people lie, too. Wish they'd worked
less, they'd been nicer, they'd opened orphanages for kittens. If you really
want to do something, you do it, you don't save it for sound byte.
%
Chase: Last night probably shouldn't happen again.
Cameron: Do you think I want it to?
Chase: When two people have had sex, unless it sucks, if they can do it
again, they're gonna do it again. And that's when things get complicated.
And it didn't suck.
%
Wilson: So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of
your life. Could hit another patient.
House: Nah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic.
%
House: It was self-defense.
Cuddy: You baited him.
House: You're right. I was asking for it. The low-cut blouse, the "Do me"
pumps...
%
Stacy: This whole time you've been manipulating me?
House: You knew I had an angle the moment I poured soap onto a scrub brush.
%
Cameron: So you always use a condom?
Foreman: Uhhh, yeah.
House: Brother's on the down low... got to.
Foreman: I'm not ready for any Foreman juniors yet.
Cameron: [to House] You?
House: Working girls - they're sticklers. You're not going to poll Chase?
Chase: I'm not an idiot.
House: Obviously not. Who doesn't sleep with a drugged-out colleague?
%
Stacy: If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn't you fire him?
House: He has great hair.
Stacy: What are you hiding?
House: I'm gay. Oh! That's not what you meant. It explains a lot, though: no
girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers...
%
House: And for the record, you are the worst transplant surgeon in the
hospital. But, unfortunately, you are the only one who's currently cheating
on his wife.
%
Sam: She got hep from me, didn't she?
House: No! No, no, no, God, no! I think she got cancer from you.
%
Stacy: That's how you tell this guy he's dying?
House: Oh, relax. He's got a cold, and, soon, health insurance.
Stacy: Such a hero. Always righting wrongs. Who cares who you have to
manipulate?
House: I'm sorry. I didn't realize you and Buck were so close.
%
Chase: [To Stacy] Let's make a deal. I won't use the word "honestly," and
you'll quit stopping by to see House so you don't take it out on me
afterwards, how about that?
%
House: One caveat: I've moved past threesomes. I'm now into foursomes. If
someone backs out, then you've still got a threesome. If two people back
out, you're still having sex. You'd be amazed. Even if three people-- [Stacy
cuts him off]
%
House: She's overreacting.
Wilson: You snuck into her shrink's office and read her private file. When
Nixon did that, he got impeached.
House: So you're saying I'm not allowed to have oral sex with an intern
either?
%
House: [About Stacy] She protects Chase, she protects me.
Wilson: Unless her advice to Chase is to make a deal and give you up. [In a
bad Australian accent] "I'm so sorry, if only Dr. House had paid
attention... he'd never even met her; he never does."
House: Chase loves me. And isn't Turkish.
Wilson: Cameron loves you. Chase loves his job.
%
Stacy: Yeah. Why did Chase screw up?
Foreman: Because he doesn't give a crap about patients.
Stacy: Well, he always gets positive patient reviews.
Foreman: Yeah. He smiles all 84 of his teeth, tells them his tonsil story.
Stacy: It's a nice story.
Foreman: He still has his tonsils. As soon as he's out of the room, which is
as soon as he can be out of the room, he starts in on the trash talk. Thinks
not giving a crap makes him like House. Like something to aspire to.
%
Chase: It was a minor mistake; I couldn't have known it was going to happen--
House: Mistakes are as serious as the results they cause!
%
House: You know what's really killing her? Chase forgot to ask a standard
question about stomach pain, so he missed the diagnosis, so she perforated,
so she got sepsis, so her BP tanks, so she got blood clots, so she lost her
liver. Livers are important, Cuddy. Can't live without them, hence the name.
And here's the big issue: Chase is a hospital employee, and Kayla is the
sympathetic mother of those two jury-friendly moppets Caleb and Cody.
Chase: Dory and Nicky.
Cuddy: Your point, beyond just trying to make Chase wet himself, seems to be
that the hospital faces liability here. Well, thanks for clearing that up. I
still need a medical reason to list her.
House: That is a medical reason! The family wins this hospital in a lawsuit,
they'll turn it into condos. And people will die waiting outside a condo for
medical care.
%
House: The hospital lawyer asks me if I did something unethical. If I did,
the last person I tell is the hospital lawyer, especially since she's gone
all Old Testament on me.
%
House: I'm not the one being sued. I feel funny.
%
House: Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?
Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here - if Cameron kills somebody, Chase
takes over. There's a flow chart in the lobby.
%
Anica: You know, I was gonna ask what a respectable doctor was doing at an
OTB parlor; somehow that question doesn't seem relevant anymore.
House: What's your excuse?
Anica: Turns me on.
House: Yeah, what else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual
rough sex? I'm a doctor; I need to know.
%
House: Work smart, not hard. That's my philosophy, boss.
%
House: [While deliberately sabotaging a lumbar puncture] Eighth time's the
charm.
%
Cameron: That's the irony of women in charge - they don't like other women
in charge.
%
Foreman: What do you expect me to do, House? Quit? Cry?
House: Actually, I expect you to act like what you are - my employee, my
subordinate...my bitch.
%
House: You probably shouldn't have sex for a while.
Patient: For how long?
House: On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend... forever.
%
House: Yeah, well, being hospitalized a lot certainly points to _nothing_
being wrong with you.
%
Cameron: How would you describe my leadership skills?
House: Nonexistent. Otherwise excellent.
%
Cameron: [While searching Anica's house] She's got an appointment with her
opthamologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on
Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors... symptom of
Munchausen's.
House: Or - just thinking outside the box here - she has a vagina and
trouble reading.
%
House: At the end of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," the wolf really does come.
And he eats the sheep... and the boy... and his parents.
Chase: The wolf doesn't eat the parents!
House: It does when I tell it.
%
House: Sorry, I missed that. Hearing's been off since the Ricky Martin
concert - some cholo kicked me in the head.
%
House: Labs, schmabs. A good diagnostician reads between the labs.
%
Foreman: Yeah, you're all about the nurturing.
House: You need a hug?
%
Foreman: I just agreed with you.
House: Not because you think I'm right. You're just taking the safe route.
You're a wuss. Don't worry; your secret's safe with me. Hey, Wilson, guess
what Foreman just did!
%
Foreman: Do you think there's any way House would take me seriously as his
boss?
Wilson: Where is this coming from? Did Cuddy say something?
Foreman: We talked. She intimated.
Wilson: And you want my advice on how to usurp him? It's very ancient
Rome: you'll need a toga, of course, a sword...
%
Foreman: You were right.
House: Hey hey hey, we're not here to play the blame game. These things
happen. Sometimes doctors send people out on the street to die after other
doctors warned them that they were sending them out on the street to die.
There's no way you could know.
%
Chase: We've got an MRI scheduled in 20 minutes. Earliest Foreman could get
the machine.
House: I teach you to lie and cheat and steal...and as soon as my back is
turned, you wait in line?
%
Wilson: Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?
House: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.
%
Stacy: Our relationship is like an addiction. It's... like...
House: Really good drugs?
Stacy: No, it's like... vindaloo curry.
House: Ok, sure...
Stacy: Really, really hot Indian curry they make with red chili peppers.
House: I know what it is! Didn't think it was addictive.
Stacy: You're abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like...
vindaloo curry. When you're crazy about curry, that's fine, but, no matter
how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your
mouth off. And then you never want to see curry for a really, really long
time, but you wake up one day, and you think... God, I really miss curry.
%
Foreman: Why'd you put me in charge of the department if you think I can't
handle it?
Cuddy: Because it's temporary, and because I was ordered to.
%
House: We've been over this.
Stacy: If I thought you were capable of listening, I'd shut up.
House: That makes no sense at all.
%
House: MRI show anything?
Foreman: CT scan was negative.
House: CT... that's like, short for MRI, right? Excellent, well I guess that
saves us a lot of time.
%
Chase: What happened to the Foreman who always has an answer? The guy who
practically wears a sign saying "I'm as good as House, but I'm nicer."
%
Stacy: At least this time I recognize it. That's the bitter bit of
convincing the two men you ever loved they're better off without you.
House: Yeah, it's all your fault. You know, Stacy in the original Greek
means "relationship killer."
%
House: They can handle it.
Cuddy: Right. So far only 3 organ systems have failed.
House: Okay, they can't. Doesn't matter; guy's not stable enough to move. So
go rant in your own office.
%
Cuddy: Tell me, if it is your aim to sell me the same crazy idea as that
House does, how are you an improvement on House?
Foreman: I... brought you a coffee?
%
House: Two people who weren't meant to be together. Maybe they'll get a
happy ending just because they both want it so much.
Stacy: Yeah, that's usually the way it works.
%
Foreman: In one of [Fletch's] books he talked about giving up drugs and
alcohol. Said how it changed his life.
Chase: [imitating House] Everybody lies.
%
House: Wow. It's a big jump from "infidelity is morally wrong" to "do her."
%
House: Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their
pills.
%
House: Cameron, I love you.
[Cameron's jaw drops. House quickly swabs her mouth.]
House: Get your test result tomorrow.
%
House: [knocking on Wilson's office door] I know you're in there! I can hear
you caring!
%
House: [Regarding a patient's treatment] Why don't you take it up with
Stacy? See which option minimizes your risk.
Cuddy: Here's what I think she's going to say. [Imitating Stacy's accent]
Oh, I loooove Greg! But if you go against the patient's wishes, you're
calling her a liar. And if something goes wrong, _I_ end up in court, having
to defend the big mean doctor (albeit with dreamy eyes) who wouldn't believe
the nice suburban mom. And even though his cane makes me melt, do the damn
surgery.
%
Cameron: What are you looking for?
House: Same as you. Love, acceptance, a solid return in investment.
%
Weber: You can't test anything on an abnormal brain.
House: That's so close-minded. He's not 'abnormal', he's special.
%
Cameron: Could pain medication cause an orgasm?
House: I wish.
%
Cameron: His brain is like a waiter that's got too many...
House: Hey! I do the metaphors!
%
House: I'm looking for a distraction. You don't need to talk to do that, do
you?
%
Wilson: How'd you get here?
House: By osmosis.
%
Cuddy: Teenage supermodel. Presented with double-vision, sudden aggressive
behavior, cataplexy--
House: You had me at "teenage supermodel."
%
Alex: I was passed out but I wasn't. I, I knew what going on but I couldn't
move or talk.
House: Yeah, sounds like a medical thing. It's called cataplexy. Catfight
and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool.
%
House: She's a fashion model, on the cover of magazines. [They] hold her up
as a sexual ideal. The law says we can't touch her for three more years. How
hypocritical is that?
%
Foreman: There's no age limit on addiction.
House: [taking a Vicodin] He's right.
%
George: I haven't slept in weeks, because my teeth hurt. Dentist couldn't
find any cavities. And I'm getting these headaches.
House: Ohhhhh, poor you.
George: I think I'm going crazy. And my stomach. I roll out of bed, and I
wanna puke.
House: I take it you're married.
George: You must be psychic.
House: You must be witty. When's she due?
George: How'd you know she--
House: 'cause I'm doing her! ... You've got Couvade Syndrome, which is just
a fancy way of saying you should stop whining. Millions of women have got
the same thing. They're not bugging me.
%
Foreman: Why would your mind go to abuse so fast?
House: I had a funny uncle.
Foreman: You were abused?
House: What? No. Why'd your mind go to that so fast. I just had a funny
uncle. Great stories, always filthy.
%
House: You've got male pseudo-hermaphroditism. See, we all start out as
girls, and then we're differentiated based on our genes. The ovaries develop
into testes and drop. But in about one in 150 thousand pregnancies, a fetus
with an 'XY' chromosome, a boy, develops into something else, like you; your
testes never descended. Because you're immune to testosterone, you're pure
estrogen, which is why you had heightened female characteristics -- clear
skin, great breasts. The ultimate woman is a man. Nature is cruel, huh?
Father: This is obviously a joke. This is ... it's impossible.
House: No, a joke would be me calling you a homo. See the difference? I'll
schedule _him_ for surgery. [NOTE: (spoiler) Earlier in the episode, the
father admitted to having sex with his "daughter", hence the "homo"
reference.]
%
House: Put your clothes back on. I'm going to cut your balls off, and then
you'll be fine.
%
[Dr. Wilson is examining Dr. House's leg with the MRI]
Wilson: House, this is God.
House: Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these
things. Got time Thursday?
Wilson: Let me check. Oh! I got a plague. What about Friday?
House: You'll have to check with Cameron.
Wilson: Oh! Damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like
I'm gonna come up with a new answer this time.
[Cuddy bursts in]
Cuddy: House...
House: Quick God, smite the evil witch!
Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by
her father?
House: God, why have you forsaken me?
%
House: Cheese is the Devil's plaything.
%
Cameron: You're going to cure death?
House: *maniacal laugh* [looks at her] Doubt it.
%
House: Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win.
%
Cuddy: Don't you think this is a little manipulative?
House: No, I think it's _hugely_ manipulative.
%
House: [spots Wilson talking to a nurse] Wilson! How long can you go without
sex?
Wilson: How long can you go without annoying people?
House: No seriously, a week? A month?
Wilson: I'm not having an affair.
%
Henry: I assume you've been in love?
House: Is that the one that makes your pants feel funny?
%
House: When guys have brain/crotch problems, it's usually the result of
using one too much and the other too little.
%
House: So I have to wonder what could be more humiliating then someone
calling your girlfriend a cow and not being metaphorical?
%
Cameron: She's positive for gonorrhea.
House: I think that's the first time those words have been uttered in joy.
%
Cameron: I thought we were wearing the wrong shoes for cancer.
House: We're wearing the wrong shoes for testicular cancer. They're perfect
for lymphoma. Except Chase's -- they're just goofy.
%
House: [About a comatose woman] She's a fridge with a power out. You start
poking around inside, the vegetable goes bad. No offense.
%
House: Key to a long life -- exotic women, boring cheese.
%
House: Make love, not belts.
%
House: You _blow dry_ your hair?
Wilson: Oh sorry, did I wake you up?
House: [repeats] You _blow dry_ your hair?
Wilson: Excuse me for actually _caring_ what I look like.
House: I think the word you're looking for is _obsessing!_
%
House: Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the
places I can make Foreman search.
%
Cameron: His wife arranged it for an anniversary present. And if you ask me,
if two people really trust each other, a threesome once every seven years
might actually help a marriage.
[everyone looks stunned]
House: Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment.
%
House: Lungs, skin... skin, lungs... Sklungs?
%
Wilson: Don't you ever eat anything besides canned soup and peanut butter?
House: Don't you ever eat anything that doesn't look like it's been rolled
onto your plate by a dung beetle?
[referring to Wilson's stuffed pepper]
%
[Wilson browses the contents of Houses' TiVo.]
Wilson: Now, why do you have a season pass to The New Yankee Workshop?
House: It's a complete moron working with power tools-- how much more
suspenseful can you get?
%
House: Where is she? [He's referring to the patient's wife.]
Cameron: She had to go to the bathroom.
House: I told you not to let her.
Cameron: What was I supposed to do, tie her up?
House: Why not? She likes that.
%
Cameron: He's gonna need a lung transplant...
House: He's becoming more attractive by the minute, isn't he?
Cameron: You're pleased...You think you've proved every marriage is a
mistake.
House: Do I look pleased? [Dr. Cameron takes some money from her waistband
and gives it to House in a very meaningful way; close-up of their hands
touching and lingering for a moment when House reaches out to take the
bills, looking up at her. After a second, Cameron finally lets go and curls
her fingers away. She remains standing there for a moment longer.]
Cameron: Ignorance is bliss.
%
Wilson: Cuddy called.
House: I know. Saw the caller ID.
Wilson: Young girl, anaphylactic shock.
House: You answered?
Wilson: Turns out _that's_ what stops the ringing.
%
Cameron: Why does she have a clean room in her home?
House: Heart transplant-- immune system's in the toilet. Mommy builds her
little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble.
Foreman: Six months after the transplant, she doesn't need to be confined to
a clean room.
House: Six months without putting out, Dr. Cuddy doesn't need to wear thong
panties... but it's not our call.
Cuddy: [sarcastic] I was wondering when you'd get around to my panties.
%
Cuddy: These are your big ideas? Somebody's lying?
House: Hasn't let me down yet.
%
Chase: [referring to Melinda] Maybe she's allergic to a having a sucky
social life.
%
Chase: No alarm on this window.
Cameron: It's a 20-foot drop.
Chase: You can get to the tree from here. There's some bark scraped off.
Cameron: Sure-- heart-transplant girl swung down there on a vine. Maybe she
was hooking up with Tarzan and Cheetah down by the elephant graveyard.
%
Boyfriend: So I just go in there and...
Chase: Yeah, and think of Dr. Cameron.
Cameron: If you were in there you'd be done under ten minutes.
%
Cameron: Test was negative, no semen allergy.
House: Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the
anaphylaxis. I don't buy that it's unrelated.
Cameron: He loves her. Did everything he could to make sure she wouldn't get
sick.
House: What does that mean?
Cameron: Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness.
No, maybe I should give a more relatable example.
House: Oh, snap!
%
House: Great part of being a grownup, you never _have_ to do anything.
%
Cameron: What if her anaphylaxis wasn't anaphylaxis? Toxicity from the
anti-rejection meds could cause a seizure, and then heart failure.
House: And get cured by a mommy-wielded epi pen? It's anaphylaxis. What else?
Foreman: What if they really are two puzzles?
Cameron: You think she had two unrelated rare conditions in one week?
Foreman: We explained the anaphylaxis.
House: What do you mean, _we_? _I_ did! At least I thought I did... maybe I
didn't. Still, it was all me.
%
Foreman: [writing on board] Heart failure could be either infection,
coronary disease, or rejection.
House: [taking marker away from Foreman] Sorry, there's a reason they call
it the _white_ board. It's not my rule. What ties both these conditions
together?
[everyone stares blankly at each other]
Foreman: Okay, we can all stare at each other, or we can investigate what
caused the heart failure-- _just_ the heart failure. You wanna give me that
_black_ marker?
[House reluctantly gives back the marker]
%
Wilson: Where's... the hooker, I assume?
House: [taps his head] Right up here, buddy.
Wilson: You said you'd hang the stethescope if you were having sex.
House: I didn't say it had to be with another person. Can you think of
anything that would tie together anaphylaxis and heart failure?
Wilson: No. [raises voice] I was waiting out there for hours!
House: I need a lot of foreplay. And then there's the cuddling afterwards.
%
Wilson: Oh, no wonder you were in the mood-- this month's _New Jersey
Journal of Cardiology_.
House: Have you seen the centerfold? There's no way those valves are real!
%
House: I scammed you into doing the dishes, I made you sit on the steps, I
didn't kill your puppy. I did not make you miserable.
Wilson: Oh, so this is therapy?
House: No it just... makes me smile.
Wilson: All right, I'm finding a new place tomorrow.
House: Right, but not tonight.
Wilson: Well, I figure you wanna shave my eyebrows while I'm asleep-- I
wouldn't wanna deprive you of that last smile.
%
House: [looking amazed after seeing Cameron all dressed up] Woooooow...
[pause] What were we talking about?
%
[House, Cuddy and Wilson are playing poker at a hospital charity event]
Cuddy: Call.
House: You'll call anything.
Cuddy: My stack is bigger than your stack.
%
Wilson: So are you going to tell me an annoying story every time I raise?
House: God, that would be annoying.
%
[after hearing about Cuddy's patient]
Cuddy: You in or out?
House: I'm out.
Cuddy: [slaps a five and a three on the table] Oh! Stone cold bluff. You
might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards, and a
little less time staring at my breasts.
House: They don't match, either.
[Wilson peeks at House's cards and sees that he had pocket aces.]
%
House: [to Chase, in front of a girl he's talking to] Hey! How's that anal
fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
know you'd come back for seconds. I figured after that girl in the
stairwell, you'd be done for the night.
Chase: He's kidding
House: No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time.
%
House: Got a case.
Chase: Well, you could've just said that. You didn't have to screw with me.
House: Yeah, but if I didn't screw with you, you'd spend the whole night
thinking you might get laid, which means you'd be useless. Better to
extinguish all hope.
%
[referring to House's patient from 12 years ago]
Wilson: Have you read _Moby Dick?_
House: It was a book?
Wilson: It was ten years ago.
House: Twelve.
Wilson: Obsession is dangerous.
House: Only if you're on a wooden ship and your obssession is a whale. I
think I'm in the clear.
Wilson: You do realize it's a metaphor?
House: You do realize that the point of metaphors is to scare people from
doing things by telling them that something much scarier is going to happen,
than what will really happen? God, I wish I had a metaphor to explain that
better.
%
House: Did you know that relative to its size, the barnacle has the largest
penis of any animal?
%
[Cameron, Chase, and Foreman enter]
Cameron: We've got rectal bleeding.
House: What, all of you?
%
House: I'm a night owl, Wilson's an early bird. We're different species.
Cuddy: Then move him into his own cage.
House: Who'll clean the droppings from mine?
%
Cameron: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long
hose shoved into your large intestine?
House: No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball
player you dated in college.
%
Cameron: Was this just one of your experiments? You just wanted to see how
I'd react to being screwed over by Foreman?
House: Nice idea, but no. This was just good old-fashioned laziness. Gotta
hand it to Foreman, though-- he knew that you're a suck-up and I don't give
a crap. He successfully exploited us both.
Cameron: Right-- we're both victims. A simple heads up, that's all I needed.
Maybe between your incredibly witty remarks about anal sex and Cuddy's
breasts, you could've tipped me off.
House: Then I'd have Foreman pissed at me, and as annoying as you could be,
at least I know you're not gonna pop a cap in my ass.
%
Cameron: If we want this to not get in the way of our friendship, I think we
both have to apologize and put it behind us.
Foreman: I like you, really...we have a good time working together. But ten
years from now, we're not gonna be hanging out, having dinners. Maybe we'll
exchange Christmas cards, say "Hi," give a hug if we're at the same
conference...we're not friends, we're colleagues... and I don't have
anything to apologize for.
%
Cameron: Depriving her of what little sleep she has, that's torture.
House: So is cutting people with knives. You can totally get away with that
if you have a doctor's coat on.
%
Cameron: If she talks, if she does the decent thing, then you don't get to
solve your puzzle, your game's over, and you lose.
House: Yeah. I want to save her. I'm morally bankrupt.
%
House: You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're
psychotic.
%
House: Isn't it interesting... religious behaviour is so close to being
crazy that we can't tell them apart.
%
Chase: You're gonna talk to a patient?
House: God talks to him. It'd be arrogant of me to assume that I'm better
than God.
%
House: So, you're a faith healer. Or is that a pejorative? Do you prefer
something like "divine health management"?
%
Boyd: The nurses talk about you a lot.
House: Don't believe them. I keep a sock in my pants.
%
Boyd: God says you look for excuses to be alone.
House: See, that is exactly the kind of brilliance that _sounds_ deep, but
you could say it about any person who doesn't pine for the social approval
of everyone he meets - which you were cleverly able to deduce about me by
_not_ being a moron. Next time, tell God to be more specific.
%
Boyd: I knew they'd send somebody else.
House: That God has a big mouth.
%
House: Tie goes to the mortal.
%
Boyd: I have a gift!
House: A gift is jewellery, socks - what you have is herpes encephalitis.
%
Boyd: Dad, we have to have faith...
Walter: I have faith in the Lord. You, I trust...as much as you can trust a
teenage boy.
%
Wilson: House! Why the hell did you let an unstable patient wander the
hallways?!?
House: His leash broke.
%
House: You know it's all nice when people start to dig these holes, but then
they start to live in these holes and get angry when someone pushes dirt
into those holes. _Come out of your holes, people!!_
%
Chase: [to House] The honor of working for you is not worth a felony charge.
%
Wilson: Can this wait five minutes?
House: Is she dying?
Wilson: Yes...
House: Before the end of this consult?
Wilson: They could build monuments to your self-centeredness
%
House: Got to go -- building full of sick people. If I can hurry, maybe I
can avoid them.
%
House: He is not a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives
by watching, listening, deducing...
Wilson: And you're worried about trademark infringement?
House: Then he passes on advice from God so he can watch them jump. It's a
power trip.
Wilson: Ah, and there the similarities end.
%
Wilson: And that's why religious belief annoys you. Because if the universe
operates by abstract rules you can learn them, you can protect yourself. If
a Supreme Being exists he can squash you any time he wants.
House: He knows where I am.
%
House: Don't talk to my patient.
Wilson: What are you talking about?
House: You get all huffy when my patient stumbles into yours in the hallway,
but you've got no qualms about chatting my guy up.
Wilson: This is fun, it's like Password. I'll jump in when I get a clue what
the hell you're talking about.
%
[House introduces Wilson to his poker group]
House: Wilson! This is Dry Cleaner Guy. Tax accountant. Guy from the bus
stop. This is Wilson.
Dry Cleaner: How come he gets a name?
House: Seniority.
%
[After House has revealed Wilson's illicit relationship with a patient.]
Wilson: Tell them my name isn't Wilson!
House: His name's not Wilson. And he's more screwed up than I am.
%
House: There's a bullet in his head.
Cameron: He was shot?
House: No -- somebody threw it at him.
%
[After House destroys MRI machine]
House: My bad.
%
[House has just shot a corpse.]
Man: [peering in] Did anyone just hear a--?
House: He's dead! I shot him!
%
Cuddy: I can't even imagine the backward logic you used to rationalize
shooting a corpse.
House: Well if I shot a live person, there's a lot more paperwork.
%
Cameron: The chance of getting infected is next to nothing.
House: I was never good at math, but next to nothing is greater than
nothing.
%
Chase: What are you doing?
House: [checking corpses' toe tags] I called my mom. She didn't pick up.
%
House: Cop with a sense of humor. Differential diagnosis. [Tosses the files
out to the others] Guy's in the ER bleeding on everybody.
Foreman: Drugs!
Chase: He's a cop.
Foreman: Good point, how about drugs?
%
Foreman: According to Babyshoes, the cop was laughing before he got shot.
Cameron: Babyshoes?
Foreman: The guy who shot him.
Cameron: Reliable witness.
House: His name's Babyshoes, how bad can he be?
%
Foreman: ... What's Dr. Cameron wearing?
Joe: [Looks over Cameron] Dark blue pants, white shirt, black shoes.
Foreman: Oh! Almost, except for the pants, shirt, and shoes. You're blind.
%
Cameron: [Referring to Foreman] He doesn't like cops.
House: [Very sarcastic] Foreman, policemen are our friends. If you and I are
ever separated shopping...
%
[to Cameron]
House: What does a guy have to do to make you hate him?
%
[Dr. Foreman's father goes to see Dr. Cuddy]
Cuddy: What is this?
House: He's not a what, he's a who. They even have the right to vote now.
%
Cameron: Foreman is black.
House: What?! How long have you been sitting on this information?
%
Rodney Foreman: He says you're a manipulative bastard.
House: Aww, that's just a pet name. I call him "Dr. Bling".
%
[Dr. House makes ghost-like sounds to amuse a child patient]
Little Girl Patient: You're a goof.
House: Takes one to know one, loser. [Patient's mother looks at House in
shock] Wait, that means I'm a loser. Scratch that.
%
Cuddy: You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates
this situation to a bio-safety level three.
House: Ooohhh, Level Three. Did you call Jack Bauer?
%
[Dr. House talks to Concerned Mom who, thinks her daughter has epilepsy.]
House: In actuality all your little girl is doing is... saying yoo hoo to
the hoo hoo.
Concerned Mom: She's what?
House: Marching the penguin... ya ya-ing the sisterhood... finding Nemo?
Little Girl Patient: [giggles] That was funny.
House: It's called gratification disorder, sort of a misnomer. If one was
unable to gratify oneself, that would be a disorder.
Concerned Mom: [covering little girl's ears] Are you saying she's
masturbating?
House: [making fun of the mother by talking out of the corner of his mouth
so the little girl supposedly won't see that he's talking] I was trying to
be discreet. There's a child in the room.
%
House: Seizures are fun to watch, but boring to diagnose.
%
Chase: Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he had no
reason to be in the ER.
%
House: Glad you're back. Cameron makes lousy coffee. I like mine black, just
like my brain damaged neurologists.
%
House: You're late.
Cuddy: And you're in my locked office. Again.
%
House: Tonight.
Wilson: What?
House: "L Word" Marathon.
Wilson: You watch "The L Word?"
House: On mute.
%
House: Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one.
%
Foreman: I assumed you considered the father and ruled him out.
House: What's that saying...? "When you 'assume', you become a pain in the
'ass', to 'me'"?
%
Foreman: You're addicted to conflict.
House: [looking at his Vicodin] They changed the name?
%
[House tries to get a rise out of Foreman]
House: I'm telling you, I'm going to drop the N-bomb if I have to.
%
Foreman: OK. What do you want me to do?
House: Have an original thought!
%
Cameron: Insisting [that] every day of your life is a blessing is basically
calling everyone else shallow. It gets old.
%
House: What are you doing?
Wilson: PCR test.
House: You're doing it yourself. In the middle of the night. On a spoon.
Cuddy's spoon.
Wilson: I'm checking her saliva for cancer markers.
House: Yeah, I do that after all of my dates. People think you're the nice
one.
%
House: Just admit that you like her. She's smart, funny - has a zesty bod. I
think it's great you can look beyond the fact she's the devil.
%
House: [to Foreman] The thing about being a good loser: you're still a loser.
Foreman: [sarcastic] _Ouch._
%
House: Ideas are not soda cans: recycling sucks.
%
House: You don't have cancer.
Cuddy: You don't have dwarfism.
House: You have no proof of that.
%
Cuddy: You ran a PCR on me without my consent?!
House: Hey! It's good news.
Cuddy: Really? It's just hard to access because of this overwhelming sense
of personal violation.
House: Deal with it on your own time.
%
[House has covertly tested Cuddy for cancer markers.]
House: [Your] estrogen is too high.
Cuddy: No matter how many people you tell otherwise, I am, and always have
been, a woman.
%
House: Not for at least another week. That's when you ovulate.
Cuddy: You monitor my periods?
%
Cuddy: I thought I knew all of your friend.
%
Wilson: So does this guy have pictures of you being nice to him?
%
House: Don't try to talk. You have a big medical thing in your mouth.
%
House: She looks just like you. You have the same fro.
%
Wilson: Are you trying to end this discussion by grossing me out? I'm an
oncologist, most of my patients have their skin sloughing off.
%
House: How does somebody who believes absolutely anything become a
non-fiction writer?
%
Cameron: I can handle a simple consent form.
House: Okay, I'll be Crandall. "Dr. Cameron..."
Foreman: House, from what you say this guy will trust you...
House: Are you in this scene? Go.
Cameron: I need to talk to you about a procedure we'd like to do on Leona.
House: "Like to do"? Is this fun for you?
Cameron: He's not you - he's not going to mock me.
House: Stay in character. "I'm so scared - hold me."
%
Crandall: Heard about your leg.
House: Yeah, pulled my hamstring playing Twister. Just gonna walk it off.
%
Cuddy: Need you. Now.
House: [in a deep voice] Yes, Mistress.
%
Chase: Her heart's fragile after that last attack! The chances of
tachycardia are...
House: You have my permission to blame Foreman in any negligence trial.
%
Wilson: You didn't run the test?
House: Said I wouldn't.
Wilson: Okay, so either you lied, or he has pictures of you being nice.
%
House: Donor 1284 likes square dancing. No one likes square dancing.
%
House: [on answering machine] You've reached a number that has been
disconnected and is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this
recording in error, go with it, hang up, on three. One, two...*beep*
Cuddy: House, pick up. I know it's your day off. And you've no doubt got
lots of exciting plans, but I've got a case.
%
House: I got shot, diagnostically boring. Big fat tongue, on the other hand,
endlessly entertaining.
%
Jack Moriarty: Which one of you is Dr. House?
House: Skinny brunette.
Jack Moriarty: That's Dr. Cameron.
House: I'm skinny. How'd you know who she was?
Jack Moriarty: I'm an old patient of yours.
House: Oh, well, leave the chocolates downstairs.
[Moriarty pulls out a gun and shoots House]
%
[After cutting a button off of Cameron's blouse]
House: Seen enough?
Vince: No.
House: That wasn't a question.
%
House: He's got a temperature of 103.
Foreman: And why do we care?
House: Because we're human beings. It's what we do. Said he was at a
luncheon meeting.
Cameron: You took his history?!
House: Guy looks like Harpo. You should see him.
Chase: You asked him what book he's currently reading.
House: It's hilarious to watch him try and talk. I asked him anything I
could think of. Favorite color? "Bwuu."
[Cut to clinic.]
House: Favorite dessert topping? [The man hesitates.] Trust me, you'll never
know what fact may be the key to saving your life.
Vince: Whip cweam.
%
House: Yeah. Killer needs his rest. Otherwise he's grumpy all day. [House
bangs on Jack's bed with his cane.] Hey! Wake up! Watch me save a life!
%
House: You shoot the guy who sold her the gun?
Jack: She locked herself in the garage and she started the car.
House: You shoot the guy who sold her the garage door opener?
%
Jack: You pretend to buck the system, pretend to be a rebel, claim to hate
rules. [We see that House is pretending to sleep throughout this.] But all
you do is substitute your own rules for society's. That's a nice, simple
rule -- tell the blunt, honest truth in the starkest, darkest way. And what
will be, will be. What will be, should be. And everyone else is a coward.
But you're wrong. Someone cowardly should not call someone an idiot. People
aren't tactful or polite just because it's nice. They do it because they've
got an ounce of humility. Because they know that they will make mistakes,
and they know that their actions have consequences, and they know that those
consequences are their fault. Why do you want so badly not to be human,
House? [Cameron and Foreman enter and see House looking asleep.] Oh, he's
awake.
Cameron: House, we need to talk to you.
House: How the hell did you know I was awake?
Jack: Your nostrils flare when you sleep.
House: No they do not.
Jack: Fine, I'm lying.
%
Vince: You want to let a robot operate on me?
Cameron: The technology is amazing. It magnifies everything ten times, it's
ten times the accuracy.
Vince: No way, I want a person!
Cameron: A person will be controlling the --
House: People suck. People have turned you from a guy with a swollen tongue
into a guy with one eye, one ball and a stapled-on face. If you want someone
to hold you while you cry yourself to sleep at night, choose warm and soft.
If you want someone to write you a poem, pick the sensitive loner. If all
you care about is that something's done right, pick the guy with the metal
head.
%
Jack: You've wasted your life.
House: Yeah. If only I'd dedicated my life to finding someone worthy to
shoot.
%
House: Okay, I'll be you guys: *mocking Dr. Chase* "No way, mate, too much
blood to just be a vein!" *mocking Dr. Foreman* "No way, hizzy! If it was an
artery, he'd still be bleeding." *mocking Dr. Cameron* "Actually, he'd be
dead." *pathetic face*
%
House: See? I couldn't have done that if I was dead.
%
[Vince is crying in pain, trying to use the restroom]
Vince: It's getting bigger!
Chase: You're getting aroused?
Vince: No, not that!
%
House: Why did you try to kill me?
Moriarty: I didn't.
House: Then the gun thing might have been a mistake.
%
House: Here's how life works: you either get to ask for an apology or you
get to shoot people. Not both.
%
Moriarty: I don't care about semantics.
House: You anti-semantic bastard!
%
House: Where are you going?
Foreman: You're an ass.
House: I know. Where are you going?
%
Cuddy: There are plenty of reasons to administer...
House: Fine, I'll just go and beat the truth out of my surgeon. Gillick,
right?