The rehab center is a tomb, too, complete with mortuary, but visiting celebs believe it’s just another casino

SIN CITY - Jive Records has joined other music recording companies and major Hollywoodfilm studios in opening a luxury rehabilitation facility for alcoholic and drug-addicted performers. Singers and other musicians, like actors and other motion picture entertainers, can check in at any time, night or day, for rehab, whether they stay for sixty seconds or sixty days.

“We have to do something,” Jive Records’ chief executive officer (CEO) and president of celebrity babysitting Barry Weiss told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “With performers like Brittany Spears getting married every five minutes, checking in an out of rehab every six hours, and shaving her head, armpits, and pubes between lip-synch sessions in the studio, we need to be more proactive.”

Universal Music Group’s CEO, celebrity babysitter Steve Rifkind agreed with his rival. “Barry has Brittany to contend with; I have Lindsay Lohan to deal with. It’s hard to tell which is the bigger spoiled brat.”

Both executives have tried everything they can think of to check their wayward charges. “I even bought Lindsay a pacifier,” Rifkind admitted, “but it didn’t pacify her. If anything, it made her feel all the more entitled to have whatever she wants, whenever she wants it.”

Although Weiss agrees that he has his hands full babysitting Spears, he thinks his colleague has a bigger problem, pound for pound, because, unlike the bald Brittany, Rifkind’s wunderkind is both a musician, of sorts, and something of an actress. “She’s double trouble,” Weiss asserts.

Hollywood movie moguls agree with Weiss’ assessment. “She’s a pain in the ass,” Chris Sivertson, who directed Lohan in I Know Who Killed Me, complained. “On top of that, she’s not all that talented, either. However, she does have the assets needed for success in Hollywood these days: a nice rack and booty and the willingness to French kiss other actresses.” In the film, the character played by Lohan, Aubrey Fleming, vanishes without a trace. “Two weeks into filming the movie, I wished Lindsay would have done the same,” the director admitted. "I know who killed me--or almost did--and her name is Lindsay Lohan. Her immaturity is matched only by the lack of her talent and the depth of her in professionalism.”

Garry Marshall, who directed Lohan in Georgia Rule, agreed with Sivertson’s appraisal. “The girl’s not right,” he said, “and I will never work with her again, unless she plays a comatose patient or a corpse.” Marshall, who also directed her in Holiday, said, “I should have learned then. Because of her, Holiday was anything but a holiday.”

Entertainment executives fear that, sooner or later, “probably in the middle of a major motion picture or a music video production, one of them is going to kill herself in a drunken car crash or die of a drug overdose,” have banded together to finance Starlight Rehabilitation Center, staffing it with “the best psychological talent we can find” in an effort to thwart continuing negative publicity and stave off the possibility that their stars’ wild lifestyles will harm their studios’ profits. “If we can save one of the spoiled brats’ lives in the process,” Weiss said, “that’s okay, too.”

Located in Las Vegas, the rehab facility is built to resemble the Taj Mahal. “We tell them the place is a casino, and they don’t know the difference,” Weiss declared.

The center is not only huge, occupying 100 acres of prime real estate on the Las Vegas Strip, but it is lavishly furnished and sumptuously decorated. Despite its elegance, however, Rifkind reminds his studio’s stockholders, “The facility, like real Taj Mahal, includes a tomb, complete with a subterranean mortuary rather than a casino. If one of our players checks in but doesn’t check out, we can cremate her in the rehab’s basement mortuary and sneak her out before anyone knows she’s gone.”

“At last, we’re ready for the inevitable meltdown and untimely suicide-by-stupidity of Paris Hilton, Brittany, Lindsay, or whoever else decides she wants to become the next Anna Nicole Smith,” Weiss said.

“And, you have to admit,” Marshall added, “selecting Sin City as the place for them--and their careers--to die adds a creative touch.”