Thursday, July 18, 2013

Helment Hats: The New Lampshade

I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I have too many bikes for my current lifestyle. This may require some sort of blowout cash-and-carry crappy bike supersale at my storage facility in Brooklyn. I need to take inventory. If I do go through with it I'll let you know.*

I do not, however, have too many helments, and I especially don't have too many helments that look like regular hats. In fact, I don't have any helments that look like regular hats, and after watching the video for this Kickstarter I can assure you that I never will:

I like to think I have a low tolerance for vanity. I use Citi Bike. I ride a Big Dummy in flip-flops. I've even reverted to riding a Fred bike with hairy legs. (I'm referring to my own legs. My Fred bike does not have hairy legs, nor indeed any legs at all.) Does this look like a fellow who frets over his appearance?

(Typical American cyclist or Japanese construction worker? It's anybody's guess.)

I would argue that it does not.

However, even though I donned the above ensemble in jest during some bygone BRA and would never really ride a bike that way, I'd rather sport a DayGlo windbreaker and a teal glans on my head any day than wear a comically oversized golf hat:

Notice, for example, how when she wobbles awkwardly through the plaza every head turns to gaze in amazement at her formidable melon:

If you're going to dress like that, at least do something more cardigan-appropriate, like shopping for old books:

I'm glad to see this helment has been subject to rigorous testing. Indeed, just as Mavic brought us the Diminutive Frenchman Unit, the makers of the Doof-Tastic Collapsible Helment Hat have brought us the Antiquarian Book Unit, or "ABU:"

Evidently this helment can withstand forces of up to one (1) ABU, so you can rest assured that if at some point during your commute someone rests a book on your head you'll be just fine.

Nice hat, Goldilocks:

And nice folding bike:

You should never, ever wear a helment while you're riding a folding bike. It's highly irresponsible. You know how people say you're supposed to be a good ambassador for cycling by stopping at lights and not salmoning and refraining from running down old ladies on the sidewalk and stuff like that? Whatever. I'll tell you what ruins the image of cycling more than any of those things put together, and it's the sight of someone riding a folding bike while wearing a helment. It's unspeakably dorky. For every mile you ride on a folding bike while wearing a helment, 30 people swear never to ride a bicycle for as long as they live.

Yeah, I know, you're concerned about your "safety" and you "don't wanna die" or "wind up a vegetable."

Whatever.

Stop being so damn selfish.

By the way, I bet this helment starts smelling bad in pretty short order, which is why if you wear one your significant other is liable to invite you to a wine bar specifically to break up with you:

("This is your choice: Ditch the stanky lid or find someone else.")

And you'll never even land a significant other in the first place if you opt for the "Groundskeeper Willie:"

He looks like he's wearing a Scottish umbrella on his head:

No brake, but at least he's safe if someone gently places a book on his noggin.

But when it comes to Kickstarter projects that sound like wanking, look no further than the "Rubbee:"

Yes, this man wants to give you a Rubbee:

(Make sure to use plenty of lube with your Rubbee™ continuously-variable home wanking machine.)

Hey, they gave Richard Branson a Rubbee and he looks happy:

Actually, judging by the way he's holding it, it may be more accurate to say he gave himself a Rubbee.

As I always say: "Give a man a Rubbee and he'll smile for a day, teach a man to use a Rubbee himself and he'll be a shut-in for a lifetime."

Speaking of balls, do you think I could use one of those foldable bike helments to protect my bull's testicles? He gets a bit upset when his ball sack gets snagged on the sagebrush we have here in flyover country.

Oh my god thanks for including Richard Branson for scale. That Rubbbbbeeeee thing is FUCKING HUGE!!!! And I mean, I haul tons of stupid crap around with me, so that should mean something.

"Looking to overcomplicate your life? Frustrated by the fact that your bicycle just simply 'goes forward' when you pedal it? Is your name Faust? Say goodbye to all that shit with this Branson-forearm-sized, doubtless-50-pound-battery-havin', literally-bigger-than-a-breadbox... Life Saver!"

Elle Decor magazine has a section where they ask some aging design celebrity dandy to list the twelve things he can't live without. Nobody cares about the obvious things, we're talking mostly objects, places, foods etc. We'd be interested to hear about the twelve (or less?) things that WCRM can't live without. Should elicit some interesting comments.

There is a russian guy in my town that reps a tandem with a weedeater motor, towing a trailer that has a bike rack to mount his TWO (2) Polo bikes. The polo bike have dual brake levers pulling a single avid cable disc (choice brake of fucktards errywhere).

He is good at wheelies. I like that he doesn't conform to any set bicycle rider uniform.

Here in Floriduh the weedeater is the motor of choice for the powered bicycling cycle. I guess it's because the folks that cut the grass around here are the ones most likely to be riding one. Two birds and all...

You have already proved that you don't need a helment when you fall off a folding bike. Although not all folder riders have your impressive road skills and may not be able to land on their ass like you.

It is interesting to me that BSNYC's most cherished bike, the single speed Engin dandy mobile, is a mountain bike....considering that he is not really a mountain biker. Not enough creative facial hair.

There was a little piece in the NYT style section today about hats that look like helments to wear OFF the bike. I think they're $145. Next we'll have street clothes that look like bike clothes and margarine called "I can't believe it's not chamois butt'r"

I currently own four helmets. One for each purpose (that's my reasoning)[fuck I have to replace them every three years or so!]- race,road training rides&commuting(I bet BSNYC would think I'm out my mind. I am, it's so very fitting. I've been hit by SUVs,trucks ECT. in the past while wearing a helmet but I still experienced head trauma (SBI)really yeah who would have guessed that would happen!!!

Bell Sweep, Array,Drop(Full Face DHMTB),&Furio( Bell sent me a new replacement two&half years ago. This model sucked to begin with!{That's why I sent it back to them it the first place! The fit adjuster snaps out of the helmet itself (bracket)&never is able to pop back in. It's all fucking warped!}The furio was put out of its misery over three years ago. But why were they sending me the stragglers hanging around the warehouse? Why not send me the model that replaced it? Fucking Bell, I actually told them on the phone "I think your helmets suck" & abruptly hung up. I had some explaining to do after I called back the next day. Hey Bell? tell me this... why the fuck are you sending me a helmet if it's obsolete? All my helmets are Bell I paid for your business at lease you could pretend a it better?

Helmet wench road cyclist who still doesn't wax her legs. I reason that it makes me more of a eruotrash fast. Anyone who needs to wax there legs to be aero is bonkers. Don't give the heed of road rash & hair follicles preventing infections. Tuff it up cyclist!

Bell Sweep, Array,Drop(Full Face DHMTB),&Furio( Bell sent me a new replacement two&half years ago. This model sucked to begin with!{That's why I sent it back to them it the first place! The fit adjuster snaps out of the helmet itself (bracket)&never is able to pop back in. It's all fucking warped!}The furio was put out of its misery over three years ago. But why were they sending me the stragglers hanging around the warehouse? Why not send me the model that replaced it? Fucking Bell, I actually told them on the phone "I think your helmets suck" & abruptly hung up. I had some explaining to do after I called back the next day. Hey Bell? tell me this... why the fuck are you sending me a helmet if it's obsolete? All my helmets are Bell I paid for your business at lease you could pretend a it better?

There are a lot of guys in eastern europe with too much free time on their hands. If I want a self propelled bike I'm going to buy something cool like a Harley and I'm probably not going to go with the Rubbee which tops out at 15 MPH, I can go faster than that on a Citibike.

Earlier this week some cock from Connecticut in a big fucking range rover nearly hit me on my morning commute while he was riding with his car in the bike lane in Central Park. I exchanged some words with him and a guy on a road bike rolled up beside me and said "that guys an asshole" to which i agreed whole-heartedly, but then he added "that's why you should wear a helmet". I didn't bother saying anything but the subtext seemed to be that if I get run down in a bike lane by some asshole in a fucking 3 ton $60k soccer mom car and sustain a head injury that it somehow would be my fault for not wearing a helmet? Is it possible that we are taking this helmet thing just a wee bit too far?

Those "hat" helmets do look a bit out of place, but at lease they are wearing a helmet.( the library I sometimes moonlight as a volunteer at has a librarian who has a helmet that looks like a safari hat. She has mumbled under her breath at me that I'm stuck in the year 1994[I'm really stuck in the year 1999 or 2007 depending how you view{judge} me] Hey, who are you to judge mS. Helmet hat wearing pusher. I'll rock my fullface helmet & do more work & not get cash money for it than you do for state cash god money!

They look dorky but come on protect your head it really does come down to that not anything else.

CommieCanuck : HENCE SBI SEVERE BRAIN INJURY {if there wasn't spell check this post would have read as the following : sever brian injury} Yeah it's that bad !!!& that happen five years ago on August twenty third two thousand and eight. Hit and run! That goes to show you something ... I had to drop out of ...

"For every mile you ride on a folding bike while wearing a helment, 30 people swear never to ride a bicycle for as long as they live." I know several people who have said that after seeing "Freds" furiously pedaling along on a "recreational" ride. Come to think of it, "Freds" commonly wear helmets also, but I think it is more the look of stoic anguish on their faces as they "recreate." Kind of like a fish tossed up on shore, it thrashes around a lot, but has that normal, blank, fish eye look.

CC--that kitten is so stinking cute I can't hardly stand it! I wonder where I can get some of those outfits for my cats & where I can get some industrial thickness gloves to use while dressing them in their new little outfits?

Rubbee rub rub...Just take it with you when you park - then you can re-attach the rear mudguard (a fender is a guitar).Hmmm...no access to your rack, no rear mudguard possible. I don't think they really thought it through.

Paul Sherwin said upon the first acsent of Alp Do Whiz that now is the time when the sprinters, heavy riders, flat landers and possibly Cadel Evans will get dropped. Wow. Cadel is now his own category of sucking at climbing, One and done, indeed.

Frilly, I like my Giro Atmos and my newer Cannondale Teramo. Both comfy and Fred-riffic!

Babble, you don't suck at climbing. Don't worry about how fast you go. Just climb. It's more about being relentless and not giving up. It's mostly in the skull and not the legs. Plus, you get fucka-strong WITH rewarding views of bitchin' scenery!

Re: helmets on folding bikes. I am with you there for normal folding bike usage, but last December, we went to Northern Thailand and took our Bromptons. We logged some 100-kilometer days and went up and down the Doi Inthanon, Thailand's highest mountain at up to 75 km/h. (Down, not up.) I can assure you that long rides and high speeds on a wobbly diminutive bicycle makes you appreciate wearing road-bike-like gear.

Now, as for the right tool for the job, that is a whole other can of Fraggles.

I believe that people who wear helmets are more than likely to use condoms in their personal live. Like condoms helmets protect the user to a point from potential injury ({mostly NON-}/reversible STIs or unwanted pregnancy[former]). What risk you future health it you live to have a clean STI FREE NO BABY FUTURE...

Hey I guess it all comes around when your out of the gene pool that works out great. Don't wear a helmet but wear a condom while giving & receiving head(I call it head for all sexes),anal,CUNT because we need a lot use of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you BSNYC for the post reference! I am the same person( I own four bell helmets) not that you care. Speak to me through KAFKA's Attorney; I am a space case so bare with me... Anonymous said...I believe that people who wear helmets are more than likely to use condoms in their personal live. Like condoms helmets protect the user to a point from potential injury ({mostly NON-}/reversible STIs or unwanted pregnancy[former]). What risk you future health it you live to have a clean STI FREE NO BABY FUTURE...Hey I guess it all comes around when your out of the gene pool that works out great. Don't wear a helmet but wear a condom while giving & receiving head(I call it head for all sexes),anal,CUNT because we need a lot use of you!July 19, 2013 at 4:36 AM Anonymous said-I currently own four helmets. One for each purpose (that's my reasoning)[fuck I have to replace them every three years or so!]- race,road training rides&commuting(I bet BSNYC would think I'm out my mind. I am, it's so very fitting. I've been hit by SUVs,trucks ECT. in the past while wearing a helmet but I still experienced head trauma (SBI)really yeah who would have guessed that would happen!!!Bell Sweep, Array,Drop(Full Face DHMTB),&Furio( Bell sent me a new replacement two&half years ago. This model sucked to begin with!{That's why I sent it back to them it the first place! The fit adjuster snaps out of the helmet itself (bracket)&never is able to pop back in. It's all fucking warped!}The furio was put out of its misery over three years ago. But why were they sending me the stragglers hanging around the warehouse? Why not send me the model that replaced it? Fucking Bell, I actually told them on the phone "I think your helmets suck" & abruptly hung up. I had some explaining to do after I called back the next day. Hey Bell? tell me this... why the fuck are you sending me a helmet if it's obsolete? All my helmets are Bell I paid for your business at lease you could pretend a it better? July 18, 2013 at 3:41 PM

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!