Are Poor Personal Boundaries the Culprit for Sexual Misconduct?

Then I realized how much more there is to say about personal boundaries and I’ve been giving lots of thought to it ever since . . . .

For over 30 years I’ve worked with clients on understanding and cleaning up personal boundaries. Many are referred by their employers because unfiltered comments or jokes or inappropriate touching or teasing or flirting lead to allegations of harassment or misconduct or assault.

Most of us understand that sexually inappropriate behavior covers a broad area and that it may or may not include predatory behavior. It does, however, involve a certain cluelessness as to what constitutes recognizing and respecting the personal space of others.

This disrespect often has traumatic and long-term effects for the person on the receiving end. For decades I’ve worked with clients who have experienced trauma from abuse and I’ve seen many long-buried memories and emotions come to the surface months or years later. The #MeToo responses are good examples of this.

The US Congress as well as the State of California have announced plans to provide training in sexual harassment. That’s great to hear, however I know from decades of experience that a prerequisite to harassment training has to focus on personal boundaries: Understanding what boundaries are and how they are are crossed or violated.

I strongly believe that all the sexual harassment training in the world will fall on deaf ears unless it is preceded by basic training in respect for personal boundaries.

So I have been speaking with representatives of several Congressional and State of California offices. They are interested in my ideas and have requested my input.

I provided them with what I think is a great example of confusion about appropriate personal boundaries and how poor boundaries can look like sexual harassment whether the words or actions are intended to be predatory. My example is Sen. Al Franken. Did he intend to embarrass? Did he intend to harm? Only Sen. Franken knows what led to the boundary crossings and misconduct leading his accusers to describe how his actions affected them. I’m not sure if Sen. Franken really knows what his boundary confusion was all about, but I have some guesses.

By it’s nature humor is boundary-less and Sen. Franken for many years was a stand-up comic and comedy writer for SNL. The many comics I’ve known are most successful when they don’t honor personal boundaries in their routines. It’s pretty difficult to exercise good personal boundaries when you are poking fun of everyone and everything.

I’m in no way excusing inappropriate behavior, however it often helps to understand where it comes from so it can be recognized and stopped.

A few of my stand up acquaintances have fairly good boundaries in their private lives –– but many do not. Maybe, like many of us, they didn’t have good models of boundaries growing up.

I hear lots of stories (and can tell my own) of growing up in families where respect for boundaries and personal space was pretty flimsy. People entered private spaces without knocking or expected you to have similar likes and dislikes and feelings to theirs.

Certain rules and ways of doing things in the family may have seemed ultra-strict and inflexible, but having rules is not the same as learning personal boundaries. Families often confuse the two.

Basically, personal boundaries are about respecting the physical, mental and emotional space of others. Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how your personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas.

Growing Up Boundary-less

When my psychology graduate school professors would talk about “personal boundaries” I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand what they meant.

I strained to get the point in lectures, but it eluded me. I found myself rereading the same paragraphs again and again, but the words made no sense.

Then it dawned on me — I didn’t have a clue regarding personal boundaries because when I was growing up boundaries didn’t exist in my family. Privacy didn’t exist: grownups opened bedroom and bathroom doors without knocking and walked in. People were always talking over another person. No one was allowed to disagree with someone’s ideas or to ask questions to clarify someone’s meaning.

For years I struggled to teach myself how to understand boundaries and limits.

Over the years I have become aware how many of my clients grew up with similar experiences to mine. Personal boundaries were not modeled very well, leading to a variety of inappropriate and intrusive behaviors.

Lots of us didn't learn how to clearly and definitively respect our own private space or the space of others.

Personal Boundaries 101

I have blogged several times over the years about personal boundaries. Here are some high points:

Personal boundaries are about respecting space: physical, mental and emotional. Having good personal boundaries means knowing where you stop and the other person begins. It means not confusing your own feelings, thoughts and ideas with those of someone else. Personal boundaries are about respect: respecting your own space and the space of others. This includes honoring each others differences of style, feelings thoughts, ideas, values and needs for privacy.

The following list of types of personal boundaries is based on the writings of John and Linda Friel:

Physical boundaries mean respect for physical space for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone someone touches you inappropriately, or pushes or hits you.

Emotional boundaries involve respect for feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, criticizes, belittles or shames you.

Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy. No one can touch you without your permission. Staring and leering are also a transgression of sexual boundaries.

There are also Money Boundaries, Time Boundaries and Social Boundaries.

I would add to this list: Ethical boundaries are a set of principles for the purpose of guiding decision making, behavior and professional integrity. Many businesses, organizations and professional associations have a Code of Ethics and Conduct.

Some of the boundary-less descriptors we’ve been hearing lately go something like this:

“inappropriate” “hurtful”“out of bounds”“out of control”“over-the-top”“excessive”“overstepping”“transgressing”“compromising integrity”“violating”“the line of propriety gets crossed”“in-your-face-behavior”

Have you noticed how all of these can be perceived as disrespectful and rejecting behaviors?Can you think of other descriptive terms to include here?

Each person comes to develop his or her own concept of the meaning of personal boundaries:

“I have a right to have the integrity of skin around me,” one woman declared in the process of our work together.

Another client realized, “I know I have boundaries when I notice that the other person’s boundaries are mushy.”

An important point that’s emerging from the #MeToo dialogue is respecting your own comfort zoneand making the choice to say “NO” loud and clear and that “No” is a complete sentence! “Yes” and “No” define who we are in the moment and are great boundary setters.

So let’s not just give lip service to offering only training in sexual harassment which is just part of the whole picture. Let’s make training effective and worth while by offering the important prerequisite of the importance of personal boundaries.

Maya Angelou says it really well, “When we know better, we do better.”

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERSYou can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting ElayneI welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.Here's how you can reach me:510-540-6230www.QueenofRejection.com

Then I realized how much more there is to say about personal boundaries and I’ve been giving lots of thought to it ever since . . . .

For over 30 years I’ve worked with clients on understanding and cleaning up personal boundaries. Many are referred by their employers because unfiltered comments or jokes or inappropriate touching or teasing or flirting lead to allegations of harassment or misconduct or assault.

Most of us understand that sexually inappropriate behavior covers a broad area and that it may or may not include predatory behavior. It does, however, involve a certain cluelessness as to what constitutes recognizing and respecting the personal space of others.

This disrespect often has traumatic and long-term effects for the person on the receiving end. For decades I’ve worked with clients who have experienced trauma from abuse and I’ve seen many long-buried memories and emotions come to the surface months or years later. The #MeToo responses are good examples of this.

The US Congress as well as the State of California have announced plans to provide training in sexual harassment. That’s great to hear, however I know from decades of experience that a prerequisite to harassment training has to focus on personal boundaries: Understanding what boundaries are and how they are are crossed or violated.

I strongly believe that all the sexual harassment training in the world will fall on deaf ears unless it is preceded by basic training in respect for personal boundaries.

So I have been speaking with representatives of several Congressional and State of California offices. They are interested in my ideas and have requested my input.

I provided them with what I think is a great example of confusion about appropriate personal boundaries and how poor boundaries can look like sexual harassment whether the words or actions are intended to be predatory. My example is Sen. Al Franken. Did he intend to embarrass? Did he intend to harm? Only Sen. Franken knows what led to the boundary crossings and misconduct leading his accusers to describe how his actions affected them. I’m not sure if Sen. Franken really knows what his boundary confusion was all about, but I have some guesses.

By it’s nature humor is boundary-less and Sen. Franken for many years was a stand-up comic and comedy writer for SNL. The many comics I’ve known are most successful when they don’t honor personal boundaries in their routines. It’s pretty difficult to exercise good personal boundaries when you are poking fun of everyone and everything.

I’m in no way excusing inappropriate behavior, however it often helps to understand where it comes from so it can be recognized and stopped.

A few of my stand up acquaintances have fairly good boundaries in their private lives –– but many do not. Maybe, like many of us, they didn’t have good models of boundaries growing up.

I hear lots of stories (and can tell my own) of growing up in families where respect for boundaries and personal space was pretty flimsy. People entered private spaces without knocking or expected you to have similar likes and dislikes and feelings to theirs.

Certain rules and ways of doing things in the family may have seemed ultra-strict and inflexible, but having rules is not the same as learning personal boundaries. Families often confuse the two.

Basically, personal boundaries are about respecting the physical, mental and emotional space of others. Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how your personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas.

Growing Up Boundary-less

When my psychology graduate school professors would talk about “personal boundaries” I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand what they meant.

I strained to get the point in lectures, but it eluded me. I found myself rereading the same paragraphs again and again, but the words made no sense.

Then it dawned on me — I didn’t have a clue regarding personal boundaries because when I was growing up boundaries didn’t exist in my family. Privacy didn’t exist: grownups opened bedroom and bathroom doors without knocking and walked in. People were always talking over another person. No one was allowed to disagree with someone’s ideas or to ask questions to clarify someone’s meaning.

For years I struggled to teach myself how to understand boundaries and limits.

Over the years I have become aware how many of my clients grew up with similar experiences to mine. Personal boundaries were not modeled very well, leading to a variety of inappropriate and intrusive behaviors.

Lots of us didn't learn how to clearly and definitively respect our own private space or the space of others.

Personal Boundaries 101

I have blogged several times over the years about personal boundaries. Here are some high points:

Personal boundaries are about respecting space: physical, mental and emotional. Having good personal boundaries means knowing where you stop and the other person begins. It means not confusing your own feelings, thoughts and ideas with those of someone else. Personal boundaries are about respect: respecting your own space and the space of others. This includes honoring each others differences of style, feelings thoughts, ideas, values and needs for privacy.

The following list of types of personal boundaries is based on the writings of John and Linda Friel:

Physical boundaries mean respect for physical space for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone someone touches you inappropriately, or pushes or hits you.

Emotional boundaries involve respect for feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, criticizes, belittles or shames you.

Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy. No one can touch you without your permission. Staring and leering are also a transgression of sexual boundaries.

There are also Money Boundaries, Time Boundaries and Social Boundaries.

I would add to this list: Ethical boundaries are a set of principles for the purpose of guiding decision making, behavior and professional integrity. Many businesses, organizations and professional associations have a Code of Ethics and Conduct.

Some of the boundary-less descriptors we’ve been hearing lately go something like this:

“inappropriate” “hurtful”“out of bounds”“out of control”“over-the-top”“excessive”“overstepping”“transgressing”“compromising integrity”“violating”“the line of propriety gets crossed”“in-your-face-behavior”

Have you noticed how all of these can be perceived as disrespectful and rejecting behaviors?Can you think of other descriptive terms to include here?

Each person comes to develop his or her own concept of the meaning of personal boundaries:

“I have a right to have the integrity of skin around me,” one woman declared in the process of our work together.

Another client realized, “I know I have boundaries when I notice that the other person’s boundaries are mushy.”

An important point that’s emerging from the #MeToo dialogue is respecting your own comfort zoneand making the choice to say “NO” loud and clear and that “No” is a complete sentence! “Yes” and “No” define who we are in the moment and are great boundary setters.

So let’s not just give lip service to offering only training in sexual harassment which is just part of the whole picture. Let’s make training effective and worth while by offering the important prerequisite of the importance of personal boundaries.

Maya Angelou says it really well, “When we know better, we do better.”

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERSYou can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting ElayneI welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.Here's how you can reach me:510-540-6230www.QueenofRejection.com