bittersweet Thanksgiving

I have many things in my life for which I am thankful. I have two beautiful healthy children, a loving husband, a great job, a nice house, a mom who moved just to be closer to me, friends, and things, and moments, and memories. As I lay them out side by side, end to end there’s still a gap in the middle which prevents ‘me’ from feeling whole. I suppose some may think me selfish; one can’t have everything can they? The irony is that as I mourn the death of my father and grasp at remnants and bits and pieces of him that remain I keep hoping somehow the wholeness of my being will return but when my father was still alive and I felt ‘whole’ I never once attributed that to his presence in my life. I was so selfish thinking that it was me who made me what I was and it took losing my dad for me to realize that I actually had little to do with it.

Sometimes I miss my dad so much that I actually find myself pleading with God to somehow some way to give my dad back to me. I know people don’t rise from the dead but God is God and He can do anything right? I wander through my days on autopilot to afraid to change the course for fear that if I stop moving I might never get back on track. It really is amazing how much you can disguise pain for something else if you move too fast for anyone to catch a real glimpse.

I am thankful for things but I am also resentful, angry, bitter, and sad about a loss I know will never shrink in size. Some say it will get easier but I’m not sure I believe them, I’m more convinced I’ll just become a better actress and begin fooling myself.

Tomorrow I will cry, just like I did today, and yesterday, and the day before that. But tomorrow it will hurt more, if that’s possible. Tomorrow I will say my thanks to God for the things He has given me and under my breath I will still plead for him to give me back what He has taken.

Be grateful for your loved ones. Hold them. Whisper your love into the air even if they can’t hear you. Give them a piece of yourself that you’ve kept hidden. Love them even if they can’t love you back. Forgive them even if their actions seem unforgivable. And measure your happiness not by what you have but by what you have not lost.

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1 Comment

I understand how you feel in losing both of my parents in 6 months of each other. Even though they were in their 80’s it didn’t make it any easier. In face, it was harder because I had them for so long. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to spend so much time with them.

With the passing of your father, I lost my son and granddaughter. My heart breaks when I think about them and know that I can’t communicate with them. I have forgiven, I have repented, I have given all I can to change that, but it is in God’s hands. I pray every day and night that it will change and I smile and go on. Yes, Thanksgiving was a test and you called me crabby, but I was sad that they were not here and I was happy to be so close to you and your family.

As we age, we feel that everything should be perfect. There shouldn’t be sadness, unhappiness, death either physical or mental. Our children should be continuing their lives supporting their families and loving their spouses just lke my parents did for 64 years. Why does life have to be full of chaos and bad feelings for each other. I guess I thought when I retired Chuck and I would travel around the world, I would spend unlimited time with my grandchildren and until the end of my days I would be extremely happy.

I am thankful that I moved closer to those who love me and know I have my Chuck within a few miles of me and I can hold him and kiss him when I need to. I have my daughter, who is very much like me, within a few blocks and I can stop there when I want to and see her babies. I have a son-in-law who treats me like his mother.

My neice and her boyfriend came for dinner and spent the night with me. She is the same age as my son, but she is very kind, fun and happy to be alive.

About

I started this blog a few days after my dad died as an outlet for the pain that had nowhere else to go. I have changed a lot since my dad passed, not all of it good. I am less tolerant, less naive, and less trusting. I have learned that time does not heal all wounds, instead it teaches us how to live with it and still move forward.