Guest Blogger Michelle Gagnon says: 'I want my $10 back!'

Michelle Gagnon is a former modern dancer, bartender, dog walker, model, personal trainer, and Russian supper club performer Her next thriller, BONEYARD, depicts a cat and mouse game between dueling serial killers. In her spare time she runs errands and indulges a weakness for Scrabulous games and stale cinema popcorn.

I have a confession to make. I love big bang Hollywood blockbusters, the more chase scenes, menacing aliens, and explosions the better. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll see an indie flick…but don’t count on me to stay awake. I realize that “cinema” can give us profound insight into the human condition, and that many films are also great works of art. Those are the films that I prefer to see at home, sprawled on my couch, with a pause button and bathroom handy. But when I want to be glued to my seat in front of a three-story high screen, bring on the flying space monkeys.

We’re currently in the throes of summertime blockbuster releases.So far they’ve been a little uneven, in my opinion- but then aren’t they always- and it got me reflecting back on past summers and their disappointments. Following is a list of films that really let me down, movies I’d been eagerly anticipating for sometimes as much as a year, which then landed with a giant disheartening thud on the screen in front of me. There will be spoilers in the following passages, but keep in mind I’m doing you a favor. Trust me, you don’t want to see these films—The Sixth Sense they ain’t (btw, Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time. But if you didn’t know that by now, you should probably return to writing manifestos in your one room cabin.)

1.STAR WARS I: THE PHANTOM MENACE

To this day, Star Wars IV remains my all time favorite film (mind you I refer to the original film, released in 1977; confusing, I know. Blame George Lucas for trying to be cute). It was one of the first non-animated movies my parents ever brought me to, and it left a deep and lasting impression. And guess what, years later when I saw it again, it still rocked. Sure, you can see strings in a few scenes, but IMHO that is still imminently preferable to those CGI monstrosities that look laughably fake. The next two in the series were good (at times, even great) and despite the Ewoks, pretty much held their own.

But then along came The Phantom Menace. Wow, that film really, truly sucked. I’m bitter, and I only waited in line for two hours to see it the day it opened…remember those people who camped out for a month beforehand? If I were among them, I would have led the torch-wielding mob to the gates of Skywalker Ranch demanding Lucas’s head. Abyssmal.

2.SIGNS

Like I said, I was a huge fan of The Sixth Sense (still am). That movie unsettled me for days. Unbreakable wasn’t as good, in my opinion, but was still a respectable showing. Then along came Signs. O.M.G. The worst part was that the first half of the film was solid: spooky, unnerving, focusing on an imminent alien invasion from the perspective of one family in rural America. I was intrigued. Then the invasion started, and the troubles began…just to hit the high points:

a)Here’s the situation: aliens are landing on or near crop circles. One of these crop circles is quite literally in your own backyard. You’re debating whether or not to flee with your family. Call me crazy, but if this ever happens, my husband and I are not putting the decision to a family vote. We will especially not allow ourselves to be outvoted by a four year-old. Not happening. Alien invasion = dictatorship in the Gagnon household.

b)Apparently the aliens have developed technology sophisticated enough to enable them to fly light years across the universe, yet they forgot to bring along basic tools. In fact, in a pinch you can lock one in a pantry. Ridiculous. How scary are they if all it takes to keep one out of your house is a latch?

c)Oh, and guess what: they also forgot their raincoats. Which would not ordinarily be a problem, except dang it, they’re horribly allergic to water. It’s lethal to them. That’s right, water: which covers roughly 71% of our planet (and 60-70% of us, personally).One good rainstorm and they have to call the whole invasion off. This was just weak. If Shymalan needed them to be allergic to something found in most households, why not baking soda? Shampoo? Or hell, dog poo?

3.THE VILLAGE

I can’t fully blame M. Night Shyamalan for this, after all, I should have known better. I should have learned my lesson after Signs and waited for the DVD, then I would only have been out $5. But no, intrigued by the red robes and fine cast of top actors, I trotted up to the ticket window and signed on for two hours of what I can only assume was intended to be a laugh-a-minute farcical comedy. For me it certainly was. The village urgently requires medicine for a dying member of the community. But whoever goes to retrieve it must be brave enough to face some sort of wolfish monsters that lurk outside the compound. So who should be sent? Why, the only blind person in the village, of course. And oh yeah, turns out this is actually taking place in the present day, not the past as you were initially led to believe. Although the fact that no airplanes or helicopters ever flew overhead, clueing people into the modern outside world, then becomes completely inexplicable. Give me this much: I didn’t even bother renting the DVD for Lady in the Water. I’m a little slow, but eventually I learn…If anyone has seen his latest offering The Happening, let me know how it was, I am still keeping my fingers crossed that he’ll manage to surprise me.

Last one (and possibly the least):

4.Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Once again, a cherished series from my childhood. I just love that Harrison Ford; someday I’ll tell you about the time I accosted him on the streets of New York, mistaking him for one of my friends’ dads. He was very nice about it. But if I ever see him again, I’m demanding an apology for the 2 hours of my life wasted on this film. Awful. The fact that the plot made no sense and that they squandered the talents of Cate Blanchett is bad enough, but this movie committed the cardinal sin of action films. It was boring. Slow-moving, dull, one of those films where you check your watch because surely it’s been two hours by now: only to discover that you still have an hour and forty-five minutes to go. Plus the final CGI scene looked like one of those early Buffy episodes, before they had much of a budget and just plunked a weird dragon monster onscreen. Everyone involved should be embarassed, particularly Mr. Ford. Maybe he has a sick relative, or a kid going to college, and just needed the paycheck. Next time I recommend signing on for a Viagra ad, it would arguably be less embarrassing.

So tell me: what are your worst cinema duds? Which two hours of your life do you want back? Or do you disagree with any of my reviews? Fire away… Best comment receives a signed, first edition of Boneyard.

And as always, go to www.michellegagnon.com to enter drawings for an Amazon Kindle, iPod Shuffle, Amazon & Starbucks gift cards, copies of my thrillers, and other fabulous prizes. DVDs of duds not included.

Comments

My brain isn't really switched to "on" yet. But the current Indie film was disappointing. I so looked forward to it, and while there were a few Indiana Jones moments in it, I thought it missed the mark.

Several years ago, I remember being in Destin, FL with another family (and my family of course) and we were all anxious to see the second Pirates of the Carribean Movie - Dead Man's Chest. We were all disappointed.

Welcome, Michelle! And I didn't know you liked Scrabulous...we'll have to start a game!

Anyway, I don't see many movies these days. The last one I saw at the theater was ALVIN AND CHIPMUNKS, and while I expected nothing from it, I actually enjoyed it.

I looked forward to the second and third Indiana Jones movies and found them both wanting. Even though I walked through the midst of filming the fourth here in New Haven, I'm waiting til it comes on DVD just to see the New Haven part.

I also agree with Wilfred that the second Pirates film was really awful and even Johnny Depp couldn't salvage it. Sad.

You know, I'm a little surprised at myself for forgetting the second Pirates movie. Definitely should have been on this list-maybe it was so unspeakably grim, I just blacked out those two hours of my life...

Welcome, Michelle!
Yes, Pirates 2 was a dog. Taking us all back a few years, I do have to say that I thought Independence Day really, really sucked. Maybe because the commercials were so cool and got my hopes up with the White House exploding and everything, but I found it to be snooze and a half...

Ahh, that most wonderfully disappointing offering with two heartthrobs whose considerable talents were totally wasted--SIGNS!
I could hardly wait for it to hit the screen--and afterward, I wanted to hit something myself. If they want to make a movie that (please pardon the expression) sucks like that one did, I'd appreciate it if they would forget the names of Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix. I totally agree that the canisters of film were absolutely wasted on this one.

Saw your note on the KOD loop and had to respond as disappointing blockbusters are a real pet peeve of mine! It is the old bait and switch to the max! I have to agree that Phantom Menace was a monument to hyped movies that crash and burn in spectacular fashion. And I realize the SAW movies are considered low class hack and slash films, but the first one was definitely sharp(no pun intended)and edgy. The subsequent films were a complete waste of film.
I too was disappointed in the Pirates sequels.
Another one was THE GOLDEN COMPASS - too special effects heavy and left out so much from the book for the sake of making an action adventure flick from a children's book. I think that is the worst problem in these blockbusters. Anything that worked in the first movie or that has worked in other blockbusters, these directors tend to want to cram it all in there in the hope of coming up with a hit. I have lots of favorite foods, but if someone tried to cram them all into one casserole the result would be beyond ralphable!

I don't know if this qualifies as a blockbuster, but I just saw National Treasure II. When the first clue in a long chain was revealed as a coded diary entry that referred to an event 10 years after the writer's death, well, that moved me from the realm of "suspension of disbelief" to "pick it apart and take no prisoners". Parts of the film were fun, but many more left me channelling Nancy Kerrigan. ("Why??? Why???")

Perhaps my biggest blockbuster disappointment was "The Matrix"; I first saw it after many months of hype from friends and coworkers, attempting to assign mystical and spiritual nuance to the story. I found most of the analogies seriously flawed (not, of course, the fault of the filmmakers), and the film itself a wonderful demo reel announcing new digital effects techniques.

I laughed so hard at the sight of him in what appeared to be a diaper dancing in the street and a perfect stranger - he was howling too - had to get up and leave together. It was unspeakably awful. A 1985 film.

Unless Beetlejuice or The Coneheads are in a film, I just can't consider it as a blockbuster. Of course, Groundhog Day was a winner, too.

Seriously, I haven't seen a blockbuster I really liked since the early Star Wars and Indiana Jones films. I really liked Harrison Ford in those days. What a totally cool character. I think I want to be like him when I grow up.

I love comedy, I love stupid comedy (Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller) but I could not suspend my disbelief that those two would end up together, not only for a one night stand (so she was drunk, but she wasn't drunk for the rest of the movie, now THAT would've made sense) but her telling him at one point that she loved him? Why? When he's a unemployed pothead with loser friends and a mean streak? Wrong.

SIgh...I"m gonna get stoned for this...but after the first 10 minutes, I hated THE MATRIX and all its sequels. Keanu Reeves as a cut rate CHrist, Lawrence Fishburne and his incredibly smug character and NO chemistry between the leads. How can one not have chemistry with Carrie Ann Moss in leather, fer crissake?

And GODZILLA with Matthew Broderick pained me beyond the ability to even get up and leave the theater.

Interesting...I loved the first Matrix, but the following two installments in the trilogy definitely belong on the dud list (but then, I saw it fairly soon after it came out, so there hadn't been much hype yet.) I have to confess I was a sucker for Independence Day too, mainly because of the little comic touches ("Angelenos, please do not fire your weapons at the spaceship, we're trying to avoid an intergalactic war!") I enjoyed Atonement, too, but didn't think the lead character needed to maintain the same haircut for HER ENTIRE LIFE. I mean, c'mon, was that the only way we'd know it was her? Give the viewers a little credit. And the first National Treasure...I love how initially they're so careful in the way they handle the Declaration of Independence, using gloves, slooowwwly unrolling it. Then by the end, they're treating it like a AAA map, shoving it into their pockets. Ridiculous.

You can start the lynch mob now, because I'll make two statements that I'm sure will be unpopular:

First, I liked the latest Indiana Jones movie. Didn't love it, but liked it. It was saved, for me, by having Marion back and alluding to RAIDERS in the first sequence. Here and there it was Indy again, and that was enough. I was so worried it would be downright awful that maybe my expectations were low enough to get by.

My biggest blockbuster disappointment? TITANIC. Oh my lord, you can say what you want about the CGI ship and the research that went into it, but the screenplay for that movie should be distributed at every film school in America and labeled "What NOT to do." Characters as thin as tissue paper, a plot that isn't about anything, and dialogue that actually hurts the ears! Can Kate Winslet begin a sentence ONCE without saying, "Jack..."?

I love Galaxy Quest: perfect double feature on a rainy day is that paired with the documentary "Trekkies." And I agree re: Titanic, one thing no one ever seemed to discuss was that the film basically blamed the main characters for the accident- they were making out on deck, distracting the men who were supposed to be watching for things like oh, say, icebergs...and WHAM! How did no one else have a problem with that? Then the whole, "we realize the boat is sinking, but still must persist in dealing with this jewel thief" thing was completely absurd. Good one.

And may I add my condolences to all of us on the loss of George Carlin. A very thought provoking, entertaining part of my younger years is gone. My sympathy to his family and to all of us who will miss him.

I just can't walk out of a movie, but I very nearly did for The Avengers. I knew going in it wasn't going to be the old Steed and Peel (or Blackman, or anyone else for that matter), but it was horrible!

And talking of hype (even if it was an episode of Babylon 5, not a movie), the episode that was meant to show us what the Shadows are Really All About was a major let-down. If jms hadn't talked it up so much it might have been ok, but we were all expecting a great revelation, and it was just Darwin in action.

Since someone mentioned Galaxy Quest - golly. That's one of those films I'd like to see again on the big screen. The 52-foot big screen, that is, not the 52-inch big screen.

Did any of you catch the Galaxy Quest web site when it came out? It was a hoot and a half in a handbasket. It was done up like a fan web site. Flash animation was around by then, but seldom used effectively in amateur sites. The GQ site designers captured the look and feel of a geeky fan's tribute site to a tee - and it was not until I read this in print that this was the intended effect that I was truly certain it was the official site.

Oh - How about the original film adaptation of Dune? It has been so long, I have forgotten what I disliked about it, though I remember the list was longer than the novel.

I'm with Jeff and Michelle - Titanic. I kept whispering to my hubby "Somebody PLEASE give that girl some lines to say other than 'Jack!'" and then at the end while the teenaged girls seated in front of me were sobbing, I was laughing because it was so overdone: "I'll never let you go!" and then she pushes him in the water. Criminey, a truly horrible script.

I don't see many blockbusters. I've gotten to the age where I am not their audience. So, while I know I'll watch Indie III when it hits HBO, by then I'll judge it as good or bad TV, a much lower standard than the big screen.

I think the last big brainless summer movie I saw in a theater was Independence Day, just to see the White House explode. And like sleeping with your ex, I hated myself for the entire weekend.

I leaned over and whispered to my husband, "Wouldn't you think they'd know each other's names by now?"

*rolls eyes*

Avengers... *sniff* How could they do such a horrid thing to an old favorite series?

Luckily, I rarely sit in a theater so my agony is lessened by both the ability to make snarky comments at home AND the luxury of an off button. *grin* Otherwise I never would have made it through The Haunted Mansion farce with Eddie Murphy.

How about worst thrillers ever? Try Perfect Stranger starring Halle Berry and Bruce Willis? Stupidest plot EVER. Each character was so insanely dumb, we wanted to shoot them all. Yikes.

David Lynch's DUNE was a Foul Reek in the Nostrils of God. And I'm a Lynch fan.

And Michelle, I agree that The Phantom Menace sucked, but it was Citizen Freakin' Kane compared to Attack of the Clones. Revenge of the Sith almost managed to not bite the big one. Almost.

I've never seen Titanic all the way through. I took one look at the previews and said "Yep, that one's gonna be a real barker." I've caught bits of it on HBO and I see I was right.

I confess to a perverse fondness for Independence Day. It goes over the line into "so bad it's good" territory for me. I watch it every time I see it's on, and laugh like hell every time, especially the part where Jeff Goldblum apparently crashes the alien's mainframe by installing WindowsME. I also have a great time with The Day After Tomorrow, something which I apparently share with the creators of South Park, who've satirized it at least three times.

And Galaxy Quest is awesome. "We have to stop those things before they kill Guy!"

My biggest blockbuster disappointment would be the first X-Men movie. Oddly enough, I really liked the second one.