Autos

Many camheads and antivehicular guerrillas must read this stuff, or else they are more prolific than the rest of you. Without fail, the heaviest amounts of mail come from readers want to share nasty things you can do to automobiles. Many stunts were duplicated, and a few were totally without humor or redeeming revenge value, so they are not included here.

Maybe we should have named this topic as *Auto Madness*. It seems everyone has something nasty to do to every mark’s car. E.W. from Hastings (a funny name), Nebraska is a perfect example of motoring meanness. He writes, “George, try dropping a handful of BBs or lead shot down the carburetor of your mark’s car…big,big,big repair bills.”

Next, E.W. wants you to drain oil from the mark’s automobile. Replace the plug, then fill the crankcase with water. He says this will do more damage than simply letting the oil run out. E.W. says this works well because the oil warning lamp will not come on, yet the engine doesn’t have any oil-which it needs so badly. Wasn’t it the Bible where I read that oil and water don’t mix?

I’m sure all you motorheads and straights enjoyed the scene in *American Graffiti* where Officer Holstein has the rear end ripped out from under his cruiser. The movie is history, but modern technology now makes it easier than ever to recreate that scene for real. It works for any mark, not just those of the law enforcement persuasion.

Our Kansas City whiz, Jimi the Z, cautions that you do this to nobody but a truly mortal for because it is so devastatingly expensive.

“You need some quarter-inch Kelvar rope, which is fairly lightweight, almost invisible at night, but stronger than hell. Attach one end around both axle sides with a double half-hitch. Leave twenty-five feet or so of slack, then attach the other end to a cement post, steel lightpole, or something that isn’t going anywhere when the vehicle tries to.

Believe me, this is fantastic to watch, to see the results. It almost totals the car, as the entire rear end suspension is destroyed with great frame damage as well,” Jimi writes with glee.

Meanwhile, there is more to fuel the imagination. Herb Bobwander is a real sweetie when it comes to sugaring your mark’s gas tank. He say’s, “Sugar itself is messy and hard to pour into a tank. That’s why I always use sugar cubes. Just a few in the old gas tank, and his MPG will drop to zilch, his car will stall out all the time and behave like a lemon colored dog.” Gee Herb, you sound just like a commercial…for Hayduking a car.

If your mark has given you gas pains or a bellyache and you have access to his car, let’s next add Sam Stein’s fuel to the fires of your revenge. Sam says to take your hacksaw and cut off about three inches of the pipe leading to the car’s gas tank.

“Do it a few inches from the top of the tank so all the gas doesn’t spill out. Also, leave at least six inches of pipe connected to the gas tank well opening at the car body.

“Take a length of black plastic tubing about three feet long, attach it to the upper pipe, and secure it with a clamp. Run the rest of it down under the car so the end points to the right of the car. Secure this under the car with wires and string. Then, cut the tubing about six inches from the side of the car, so nobody will spot it.”

Sam says that when the mark goes into the gas station to fill ‘er up, he’s in for a surprise. As most gas jockeys just lock the nozzle and walk away, thinking it will automatically stop…well….there should be about fifty dollars of gasoline on the ground before anyone realizes something is wrong.

On the other hand, if he just puts in a few dollars worth, the mark may not notice the puddle from his misdirected gas supply line and will soon run out of gas. Let’s hope it’s miles from the nearest station.

Either the American Mothball Marketing Association of fifty readers had the same idea. It seems that ten or fifteen mothballs popped into an auto’s gas tank does an amazing job of murdering its engine. Unlike sugar, these little timebombs dissolve completely in gasoline, so there is no visible evidence. This one sounds like big bills at the repair shop.

If you place a judicious amount of plaster of Paris in someone’s automobile carburetor it will at least keep the butterfly valve open, and that’s the very least says Elmo Lang of Zanesville, Ohio.

This idea is untried but seems chemically sure, according to Alexander Hogg of Tampa. He says that an ordinary Tampax stuffed into a diesel fuel tank will dissolve into extremely fine fibers which will clog filters and injection pumps. It seems as if that would be a bloody nuisance to the engine’s owner.

Putting additives in the crankcase is old hat. Instead, put things in with the transmission fluid. If the mark’s car is an automatic, many of the fuel and oil additives mentioned earlier will also destroy the transmission. Or, as Todd Proudfoot advocates, you can dissolve a bit of parrafin wax in ethlene glycol. It will stop any auto transmission.

Wilson R. Drew provided two very positive and negative numbers to be used for your mark’s automobile. His first idea is to switch the No. 1 and No. 8 wires in the firing order on the distributor cap of a vehicle with an automatic transmission. You will find these wires marked by number. This will allow the vehicle to start either in “Neutral” or “Park” positions, but will kill the engine as soon as the shift lever is put into “Drive.” It will happen repeatedly and will cause all sorts of expensively fun problems for the mark, and profit for some mechanic.

Mr. Drew’s second idea involves people who want to touch your car, such as hoodlums, theives, and other street scum that you want to keep away. Get a coil from a Ford Model A car and have it hooked up by a competent and friendly mechanic. He hooks it to your car in such a way as to discourage the street slime from touching live metal surfaces. According to Mr. Drew, if this is done properly, whenever any unautorized person touched the door handles, bumper, or hood latch, he will recieve a jolt of electricity that feels like a right cross to the genitals. A small toggle switch located beneath the car will shut off the electricity whenever you wish.

I also get a lot of auto-releated letters from people who are furious with the idiotic way drivers behave in shopping center parking lots. I agree. Parking in handicapped zones, fire lanes, walkways, and in front of stors is boorish, lazy, inconsiderate, and downright deserving of all sorts of Haydukian Mayhem.

Pud Drunchniak tells me that he cruises the mall lots until he spots a repeat offender he has noted from before. Pud is retired, you see, and has a lot of time to help make our world more civilized.

“I see these uncivilized, healthy louts parked where they shouldn’t while some senior citizen or mother with her little kids has to hike through a hundred yards of slush from her spot in the parking lot to get to the store. That isn’t right, and I do something about it.”

Old vigilante Pud carries a Crossman air pistol and a WHAMMO wrist rocket with an ample supply of ammo for both in his car. He parks woth a clear shot at the offending vehicle well within range and fires several rounds at the vehicle, wounding its windows or finish.

“I wait until there is noise or something else distracting before I take action, of course,” Pud advises. “Sometimes I work only at night. I make two or three attacks on different targets from different locations and positions, then I leave the mall for the day. Once in awhile I work from the roof, too. But, I’m not as young and mobile as I used to be, so I mostly stick with my car.”

That spring-loaded prick punch that machinists use is a handy pocket tool and quite aptly named for dealing with marks. With reasonable quiteness, it will punch a few neat holes in the body panels of the mark’s car, showing him where he should mount a few do-dads from Western Auto, or so syas Texas’s R.W.

Here’s one that almost seems timid, as if the meek really have taken over the earth. It’s another variation on how to get back at some lout who bangs his car door into your car at some parking facility. You just stick toothpicks in any and all locks on the mark’s car, then break them off in the lock. It helps if it’s winter and the toothpick is wet. Actually, this stunt will work on almost any lock.

Jimi the Z doesn’t believe in just slashing tires. He says to use pliers and pull out all the stems. But, He tells you to leave the stems there as it is a riot to watch marks try to stuff them back in. Jimi suggests this great payback for subhuman slimeballs, e.g., those rude bastards who steal handicapped parking spots.

Meanwhile, moving inside the vehicle, you’ve heard of bees in your bonnet? With apologies to our British cousins, David Muridae has a little surprise for your mark’s automobile glove box. Our Illinois-based trickster suggests loosing a container full of bees or wasps into the glove box. The poor mark will bumble into that lot and learn what a sting operation is really like.

California’s infamous Arlo Jones has a lot of splendid suggestions to help you modify your mark’s automobile. For istance, if your mark’s vehicle has power seats, move the seat into a totally uncomfortable position, then cut the power cable that controls movement, or superglue the control knob.

According to Arlo, you can also easily create an ant farm on wheels with the mark’s car by removing the ashtrays in the rear seat armrests. You’ll find a lot of space under there for you to stuff half-eaten hamburgers or roadkill, then dump a can of soda on that mess. You could also produce the start of an ant culture by picking up a few strays from the sidewalk and introducing them to their new home. Replace the ashtray and wait. Arlo also mentions that if your mark’s car features hidden winshield wipers, removing them will create quite a shock next time your mark is out driving in the rain or snow.

If you like syringes of all sizes, Filthy McNasty, our resident expert on various forms of antiestablishment guerrilla warfare, also has some tactics to try on your mark’s car. He says to fill a basting syringe with castor oil, then squirt it into the tailpipe and muffler of the mark’s car. After a few minutes on the road, the vehicle will start to smoke beyond belief.

You can also use this syringe to squirt a good dose of formaldehyde, el tacko perfume, vile urine, or whatever else through the mark’s car’s open window. Or, crack the window, run a garden hose in, and flood his car for real.

Jimi the Z is full of more ideas. This time he wants to reprogram the mark’s custom car horn – the type where the owner records his own tune onto the little keyboard or cassette recorder. Here’s the new idea. Substitute some of your really gross stuff for his original selection. For example, among some Latins, the familiar refrain “Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits,” is interpreted as meaning “Screw Your Mother.” This meaning was indepently confirmed by an East L.A. friend of mine.

I surely brought out all the experts of the automobile sabotage trade. Jerald Jordan adds an improvement to the old trick of supergluing car locks by telling us to seal the door’s weather stripping to the car body. Just apply the glue all the way around and slam the door.

If you’d like the police to stop his car and speak with your mark, you can attract their attention by disconnecting his rear turn signal lights or his rear car lights. Sam from Connecticut did this to a habitually drunken fellow employee who was a menace on the road. Sam wanted the police to nail him from drunk driving. He got police attention by removing the bulbs from the aforementioned drunk’s car lights, causing police to pull the heavily marinated mark over. Result: A free trip to jail for the sot, plus a heavy fine.

More Automobile Pranks

You remember Alex Foley, the Detroit cop, who suggested good ideas for bad guys? Here’s a sample of his fun for their rides: a banana in the tail pipe has the same effect as the Hauduke potato but it’s a lot less dangerous for the person standing behind the car.

I can’t vouch for this, but if old Shadow says it works, it does. he has been around. But, let’s say your mark has a car you don’t like either. According to Shadow, you can take a Spaulding Ping Pong ball – he says it has to be a Spaulding because of the chemical makeup – fill it with liquid drain cleaner, using a hypodermic needle, then wrap black electrical tape all around.

“Drop that sucker in the vehicle’s gas tank and it will stand that car on its nose,” says Shadow. “You can experiment with the amount of tape you use according to how much time you need to get away.. the more tape there is, the longer it takes for the gas to eat through.”

Prank 2

Next is a hotshot in the dark from Shadow. Use some crazy-type glue to adhere a shotgun shell to a hot part of your mark’s auto or bike engine. As a humanitarian, Shadow suggest that (1) you don’t work on an engine part that is hot, and (2) it would be nice to remove the shot load from the shell first, but leave the wadding in place.

Prank 3

Shep from Denver has a dilly way to get even with a car tinkerer who’s done him some dirt. Shep says, “Just put a half dozen of those baby dills in his gas-tank outlet. When that engine kicks over and runs, the fuel pump will suck those little dills right up into the gas line.”

He adds that when he was once busted totally without reason in Kansas City, he retailed by pulling his stunt on more than a few of the vehicles in the police department’s official automobile pool. Expensive mechanical chaos was their repayment bill for his unjustified bust.

Prank 4

It was good to hear from the Yakima Rt. 1 Auto Flush and his wife as they share some fun for your mark’s auto. First, they suggest removing a couple spark plugs, dropping a few small ball bearings into the cylinders, and the replacing the plugs. The results are expensive to repair, in the neighborhood of $400 to $500 for labor alone.

Prank 5

Their next idea will work wonderfully if the mark bought his or her car from an out-of-town dealer. When the mark is at work and the car is parked in a non-patrolled zone, call a tow service and explain there are problems with “your” car. You must be “Mr. Mark/Owner” during this call, ofcourse. Have the car towed to the local dealership – hopefully on a Friday afternoon – and tell them you’re going away for the weekend and will get back to them Monday or Tuesday. As most dealers are slow, this vehicle could sit for a week before someone – the real owner and the police – start to get seriously worried about it.

Prank 6

Does your mark have a vehicle with an automatic transmission? Most do these days, as many marks are real wimps – prime market for the autoshifters. Our Yakima mechanic says the solution is simple: pour a quart of battery acid in the transmission fluid. Soon, no transmission. Several mechanics from the Pinkeln Auto Repair School suggested that you have a friendly mechanic reverse the sensor between the gas gauge and the gas tank of your mark’s car. This will be a lot of fun for you mark some dark, stormy night miles from nowhere.

Prank 7

Mark Hastings lives in a neighborhood full of stuffed shirts and materialistic, bragging Yuppies. He finally had some fun with the vehicle of one from this breed of jerks. The air pressure in the new metric radial tires is fairly critical. Mark adjusted the air pressure in the mark’s car tire over a two-week period and had the snobbish Yuppie running the soles off his Nikes in frustration.

“I increased pressure in the right front to sixty pounds one night. Two nights later, I decreased the one to twenty pounds and increased the left front to sixty,” Mark says.

Mark was able to learn when this Yuppie was taking his car into the dealership to check the front-end “handling” problems, and the night before he normalized the pressure.

“The dumb jerk spent about $200 on new parts and repair time, plus the dealer’s mechanics just kept putting new things on his car. It was great fun hassling this fool,” relates Mark.

Prank 8

We need more folk like Jennifer Marshall. Her mind is magnificently malevolent. But, alas, she’s on her own out there doing rotten things to evil people as just another avenging angel.

Here is her latest. There are gasoline additives that rid a car’s engine of excess moisture. That is, unless you use three bottles on your mark’s car. That dosage will heat the average auto-engine temperature beyond not only belief, but also beyond workable stress. Hello, big repair bills. And, from the fun world of doing radio talk shows, I learned from Denver Don that you can sour an auto battery into inaction by filling it with vinegar. Also, if you fill an auto’s gas tank with aircraft fuel, it will not be a happy experience for the vehicle, its owner, or the folks standing nearby when the owner tries to start’er up.

Prank 9

Can you believe that some guy by name of Dic Smegma, who claims the title of international revenge master, thinks that the stunts Nelson Chunder and I report to you are tame? Perhaps, though, Dick’s right. For example, he suggests pouring crystallized drain cleaner into the gas tank of your mark’s car.

“Want a demonstration?” Dick asks rhetorically. “Try one grain of the stuff in a teaspoon of gasoline before you move to anything operational.” I did. It creates quite a reaction. This is an unsafe trick without grand planning. Use a slow deliver system with insulation or learn to run faster than an explosion you don’t want to be caught in.

Dick’s stuff is fairly explicit, so you’ll be reading a great deal more about him as you peruse this website.

Prank 10

Remember “Send a Boy to Camp” Let’s buy a car for you mark, or, at least in your mark’s name. It may cost you $25 holding money or maybe a few buck more. But, you can do it. Fill out all the forms and if you’ve played the salesperson just right and he or she is hungry, you will get away with it. Money speaks louder than ID. Obviously, you must know your mark’s name address and all that so you can fill in the binding legal forms. Pay cash for your small down payment, the leave.

Or, see if the salesperson will let you drive the car to the bank to get loan money. You promise to drive right back. Park the car somewhere irregular and leave town with a friend. This probably works best with a used car and a hungry dealer. The legal hassle for the mark remains the same.

Driveways

Here’s another blast from the brain of the Skull. He saves old, dirty motor oil instead of recycling it through the oil companies as an obedient citizen should. He waits for some dark, rainy night, then spreads five or six gallons of this murky mess on the driveway of his hated mark.

It works better if the driveway is slightly sloped, as most are. If Skull ever sells the movie rights to this thing, we should call it Tarmac the Barbarian.

Four Wheelers

Four-wheel drive vehicles are great, useful and valuable. Sometimes, though, idiots obtain these prime vehicles and do rude things to other people’s property. This where CW of Hastings drives in with a great payback. His is a simple idea that befits the simple-minded Brotherhood of Rednecked Baboons who misuse these fine machines.

When the weather is horrible, ice or snowy, or the goon is in a desert dune, simply unlock one of the hubs on his vehicle. He has locked them both and assumes they are locked. You unlock only one. He drives as if his vehicle were in four-wheel drive. It’s not. Disaster ahead. Or, behind.

Hood Ornaments

While hood ornaments have gone the way of old hoods, I think they are classy and should be resurrected, but with changes.

It might be fun to place a dead rat on the front of a mouthy mark’s car with a neck tag that reads, “You’re next.” This particular use of the message for a newly planted ornament came from Shadow.

I, myself, had though of mounting a stiffy dead groundhog so that my mark’s new “hood ornament” stood up, impaled from the animal’s sphincter muscle. Perhaps a note would be appropriate, perhaps not.

The only worse use of head ornaments I have heard of came from John “Big Dick The Truck” Camper, who is normally a quiet, poetry-addicted, middle-aged member of a small-town Elk’s Club. He told me he would love to find, buy and place a dead human head on the hood of his truck. Does he look like morgues, anatomy classes or Democratic Party rallies?

Tires

The Greasy Mechanic suggest that if you want to hurt your mark in his/her ride that you pay attention to the tires. New radial tires are designed to roll in only one direction.

So, switch sides and get the tires running in the opposite direction. As Mark Hastings adds, “This action will make the tires squirm and shimmy worse than a hyperactive four-year-old at a long wedding.”