I'm going to just freeze the good Mr Booth's own opening to that second session for us all to appreciate and cherish: "Calm yourselves now but it was a good morning for England, who reached 79 without loss after being stuck in. Here's hoping, as I neck another Lemsip, they don't waste the good work in the afternoon." Lawrence begins, before promptly adding...

"WICKET! Vaughan b Oram 32 (79-1)" and doesn't that just sum up the preposterous predicament that England are in at the moment.

This tour isn't a downright shambles yet, but England have got, I'd say, about three days to stop it going that way. Dropping Harmison and Hoggard seems a little like picking at a loose thread till the whole jumper unravels: England's problems are running deeper than simply the lack of penetration in their bowling attack, we've been reminded of that once again over the last two hours. There is just as desperate a lack of form and cohesion among the batsmen as there is among the bowlers.

The fact that they lost the toss is only going to win them so much understanding, and anyone who was listening to Boycott smack his lips against his bristled chops and chuckle to himself this morning will know that the pitch wasn't as bad as all that. Conditions may have closed in a little overhead, but what's turned this day around is the way in which New Zealand have applied a few of the virtues that Boycott himself would espouse in a team, the kind England are so desperately short of at the moment, hard work, consistency and team effort.

Need a riff really don't we. Makes me think of Pinky and the Brain. "What are we going to do this week Pinky?" "The same thing we do every week, Brain, moan about how utterly bobbins England are".

54th over: England 164-5 (Collingwood 5 Ambrose 19) Collingwood swipes away a yorker for a single to leg. I mean, what, England need to double their score here to get out of this fiasco with some shred of control of the match left, right? Well there are four more for Ambrose, chopped through third man, and then he bunts three more through long-off. He's looking to continue the fine tradition of debutant 'keepers making cheap runs against underpowered attacks which do little other than raise everyone's expectations of what they'll be capable of when tougher challenges come along (cf: Prior, Jones, Read against Pakistan). Or am I just being excessively damn cynical and morose?

55th over: England 164-5 (Collingwood 5 Ambrose 19) "I wish Boycott were commentating on SKY." says Alex Massie, "I suspect Sir Geoffrey would be reminding us of the virtues of bowling a good line and length. And he'd be right. Mystifyingly the value of these classical virtues seem to be lost upon the SKY team. Especially David Lloyd. No wonder England were even more useless when he was 'coaching'." He does seem to be in particularly fine fettle at the moment, does dear Geoffrey. There was a beautiful moment when he asked CMJ what he knew about the Indian Premier League, and it became apparent that CMJ knew nothing about who was playing for where, or who might win, while Geoffrey was already looking at the line-ups and deciding who he'd like to be facing. It was a neat contrast between a man who had no time for the new world and another who, because cricket is still just cricket, was clearly relishing the coming competition.

56th over: England 165-5 (Collingwood 6 Ambrose 19) Having watched Ambrose block out the last over, Collingwood ducks a bouncer, blocks a yorker and then cuts a single to roll England's score on by one... and that is horrible. Martin pings Ambrose on the gloves with a brutish lifting ball, spitting off the pitch and forcing him to throw his hands away from the bat handle.

57th over: England 166-5 (Collingwood 7 Ambrose 19) This New Zealand attack just looks a class above England's own unit at the moment. And that is an astonishingly damning state of affairs for England. "I think the problem is, Andy, that they're not utterly bobbins. They're just mostly bobbins, but with the odd flash of the team we all hope/trust/wish/believe (delete as appropriate according to personal level of delusion) they could be. Trouble is, that these flashes are only too brief - lasting a session maximum, but more likely 5 or 6 overs. Then, just when we are letting our guards down, they contrive to dash all our hopes again... " And that, Elizabeth Wrigley, is exactly right. They seem unable to build consistency or momentum over a match, but rather just seem to gradually seep away as play wears on.

58th over: England 173-5 (Collingwood 8 Ambrose 25) Collingwood knocks one off his pads. His strike rate, Sky shows us, in this series is just 29 runs per 100 balls. Good thing then that Ambrose, having already been clunked on the helmet, decides to take Martin's bouncer on and ends up launching it over long leg for six. It was a thick top edge, but hell, we'll take it. Martin follows with two tempting wider deliveries - clever bowling - which Ambrose tries to launch out of the ground, though he's prevented from doing so both times by the fact that he didn't make contact.

59th over: England 178-5 (Collingwood 9 Ambrose 29) And. because I was incapable of being so gracious, here's Ross Moulden to say some nice things about Tim Ambrose: The current difference I'm seeing between Ambrose and the other keepers England have tried out recently, is that at the moment Ambrose is actually managing to score runs when the top class batsmen are failing to do so. (Why can he score 19 at a run a ball when Bell can only scores 11 off about 40). If he can manage to keep this up, I'll be happy. I'd rather have a keeper that can score useful 40s and 50s when the rest of the team plays like turnips, than one that can score 100s when everyone else does the same." Ooooh... he very nearly fell then. Having blocked three balls he threw the bat at a wide one and sliced the ball in the air through the vacant third slip for four.

60th over: England 180-5 (Collingwood 11 Ambrose 29) "What England need is a rocket up them," reckons Ian Copestake, "and the man to give it to them is not a manager whose idea of stirring rhetoric is to talk about targets and projected upturns in performance. As Don Logan so eloquently put it to Gal Dove in "Sexy Beast": "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" If only he wasn't buried underneath the tiled floor of a swimming pool. I don't know whether Moores has looked into hiring method actors to act in character as motivational speakers just yet, but by the end of this series he may well be so desperate that he's consider it. Al Pacino seems unlikely, maybe Ross Kemp?

61st over: England 184-5 (Collingwood 11 Ambrose 33) "Three distinct sessions to this game so far" says Goldenhair Gower as he comes on for his post-tea debut. Which, umm, makes it exactly like every other day of Test cricket then. And four more for Ambrose, who is showing more vim than the rest of his teammates combined. These were cut past point. "Tell Alex Massie I am listening to Boycs on the live feed via South Africa" will do Nathan Green, "and the guy is brilliant. Having a dig at England's negativity and asking what the Aussies would do. Well, he's telling us what the Aussies would do, actually. Not sure Boycs has ever asked a question in his life."

62nd over: England 184-5 (Collingwood 11 Ambrose 33) Jacob Oram returns to the attack. He now has figures for the series of 39-18-4-37, so he's actually going at less than a run an over, which is staggeringly good, and has taken his wickets at an average of nine. A great player Oram, no doubt, as good an allrounder as any in the world at the moment bar Kallis. Seeing the returns he's getting does make you wonder what a man of Chris Tremlett's height and bowling style would have done out here had he not been sent home early.

63rd over: England 191-5 (Collingwood 15 Ambrose 36) "Is Tim Ambrose a putative Gilchrist?...team in the shit, TA comes in and sends the ball to all parts and gets us out the crap and into a winning position by thoroughly demoralizing the opposition..." No, no he isn't Paul Bere, not anything like. If he's lucky he may be a putative Paul Nixon. But he is playing extremely well here, and has added three more with a drive through the covers. And blow me, now Collingwood is actually playing a shot too: cutting the ball behind point for four. Surely time for New Zealand to try a little spin and see if they can break this partnership, so far worth 55.

64th over: England 193-5 (Collingwood 15 Ambrose 38) Oram, a man in clear need of a nickname to celebrate his newfound status as the most terrifying bowler in England's world, continues. "Just thought I'd point out that Ian Forth's comment a few minutes ago that he doesn't mind losing to us Kiwi's, it's the Aussies that give him the hump, is the very essence of the English team's problem" writes Wayne Ruscoe, "NZ are the Aussie team in attitude, commitment and self belief. Ever since the Ocker Steve Rixon coached us a decade ago, we've stopped being good sports who don't mind losing to our betters and nowadays, we want to win and we play like we can. You were mugged in the last one, but it was not a surprise to the locals. Our betting agencies took a ton of money on the evening of the 4th day, most of it on a Black Caps win. Admittedly, we don't have the depth of the Aussies, but we do have the ticker. This one's probably not going to need the fifth day, which is a shame 'cause I'm in Welly for work on Monday and thought I might skive off down to the Basin for the death throes." Not just the ticker, it seems Wayne, but also the unassailable bull-headed arrogance on the field. Ambrose takes two through extra cover.

65th over: England 200-5 (Collingwood 22 Ambrose 38) And so it goes: on comes Vettori, which will at least speed up the over-rate. And possibly the scoring rate too - Collingwood thumps his first ball through mid-wicket for four. "England's top order, with the exception of Vaughan, who just got a very good ball, should look at the way Ambrose is playing, and feel ashamed. It's amazing what a bit of positive intent can do." suggests Ross Moulden. And while there's truth in that, they'd only be a whisker away from being damned for playing rash strokes when what was needed was a little application.

66th over: England 200-5 (Collingwood 22 Ambrose 38) "We seem to be entering an annoying period of hope again," observes Ian Copestake, "as Ambrose thwacks us towards 200. I have developed a Pavlovian response of utter dread whenever that happens, as it clearly signals that another wicket is about to fall." Ambrose is, Bumble tells us, a seriously good guitarist, with a mean line in Bob Dylan impersonations. But then he's also just said, as Alex Massie has pointed out, that "his theory is that you need to be very tall to do well in New Zealand...".

67th over: England 204-5 (Collingwood 23 Ambrose 40) Gower, a reknowned reggae aficionado, cough cough, has just described Curtley Ambrose and Richie Richardson's band (Big Bad Dread and Baldie) as "truly outstanding". Perhaps he'd had a lot of rum punch at the time, seeing as on my recent jaunt to Antigua I asked Allen Stanford's event manager why he hadn't hired them to play at the concert on finals day, even though they were both at the ground. "Because they're really not very good" he replied, before adding "in fact most people here would think they're terrible".

68th over: England 208-5 (Collingwood 23 Ambrose 44) A lovely shot by Ambrose, technically his best so far though it wasn't as enjoyable as that hook. It was the first of the day off Oram, hit straight through long-off.

69th over: England 212-5 (Collingwood 25 Ambrose 46) Ian Forth, this is my favourite email of the day so far, and it's quality almost compensates for my own bleary-eyed lacklustre 3am efforts thus far: "I'd like to see Moores try a stage managed all-guns-blazing media circus before every session with his sub-coaches and psychologists and consultants and gurus and acupuncturists gurning and cheerleading at the end of every sentence. He should take as his role model Iain Duncan-Smith in his (final) speech as party leader. "The quiet man is turning up the volume!" "IDS" received 39 standing ovations (and was sacked 10 days later). Music by Arcade Fire to denote modernity. Or at least U2."

70th over: England 218-5 (Collingwood 25 Ambrose 52) And as if too very neatly illustrate how he's showing up my own waffle, Ian Forth has added: "When you say "a man of Chris Tremlett's height and ability", do you mean Chris Tremlett? But thanks for avoiding "the Chris Tremletts of this world"." Thankfully for me, I'm spared further - fully justified - roasting by the fact that Ambrose has reached his second international fifty with a late cut through long leg for four. He leans on the ball to bring two more runs to long-on afterwards.

71st over: England 220-5 (Collingwood 26 Ambrose 53) "I understand that Jake Oram does indeed have a nickname, Shrek. However, that may cause confusion with the English chappie of that name. Oh, hang on, who's going to mistake Oram for an Englishman?" Drum roll ready.... "After all he can bat and bowl...." Don Kavanagh there, with a punchline worthy of a two-note trombone reception. In the middle the batsmen have traded singles.

72nd over: England 220-5 (Collingwood 26 Ambrose 53) "The musings on the Aussie team reminds me of a tour the Kiwis made here a few years back, when the Steve Waugh side was demolishing every other country -- under Steven Fleming, they held the Aussies to draws, and good ones. You could tell they'd studied all the Aussie players, had a plan for each of them, and they kept to it. The Aussies have some wonderful players, but they also focus. Same as the Kiwis, who focus, and who have every right to scoff at the way they were written off by England, a team with a completely inflated sense of its own self-worth. The English team always looks like it'd rather be in the pub than fighting to win a game of sport." Well Mark White, as an Englishman who would certainly rather be in the pub then sat here doing his work I can confirm that there is a degree of truth about what you say.

73rd over: England 226-5 (Collingwood 27 Ambrose 58) That notion though, is swiftly rebutted by Ian Copestake: Come on, Wayne, there's no place for a self-pitying comment like "Admittedly, we don't have the depth of the Aussies" from a nation claiming to be Aussies in disguise. They would tear you a new one if they smelt that sort of doubt." Another four from Ambrose: driven away past cover. He then scampers a single and lets Collingwood block out what's left.

74th over: England 230-5 (Collingwood 27 Ambrose 62) Oram is off, and Gillespie is on. Hokay: Nathan Green if you're reading, at least one person would really reallylike to know what your source is for the live TMS feed. If you can oblige us with a link, well then we'd be very, umm, obliged. Gillespie pushes up a fuller ball, which turns into a half-volley. Ambrose slaps it away for four through leg.

75th over: England 233-5 (Collingwood 29 Ambrose 63) Collingwood, clearly setting himself up as the man to bat through with the tail, turns one run to leg from the first ball and gives Ambrose the strike. England's keeper then returns the favour. After you sir, no after you, please I insist... back and forth they go for a third time.

76th over: England 233-5 (Collingwood 29 Ambrose 63) "OK, this is better from England." admits Richard Graveling, and indeed it is,"But there is a problem - batting first and winning a Test match usually requires a 400+ score. So at the moment we're at least 180 off the target. Let's say another 50 from Ambrose, 50 from Collingwood... are the last four capable of scratching together another 80-odd? And, more pertinently, should they be asked to with the supposed calibre of the top six at the moment?" And more pertinently still, will it matter when you watch Jimmy Anderson spoon up 25 runs including half-a-dozen extras from his first four overs with the new ball? "A bigger problem" Richard contends, "is that I can't get the cricket on SopCast at the moment, so I'm having to sit here in LA with the wife and mother-in-law watching a yank rip-off of Deal or No Deal." Christ that does sound desperate. How is it that American TV manages to take the English shows and somehow render them entirely, unforgivably, unwatchable (cf: Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares), just what is exactly is that formula of schmaltz and emotion and heavy music and soft focus that they sprinkle on things like sugar on a bun?

77th over: England 239-5 (Collingwood 30 Ambrose 68) Ambrose adds another boundary to his score with a thick edge through third man. That brings up the 100 partnership between these two.

78th over: England 241-5 (Collingwood 30 Ambrose 68) Collingwood flicks two through mid-wicket and then survives a nerve-wracking lbw shout, the ball jagging back from outside off stump and hitting him just a shade outside the line. Still, a shade is enough to save him this time.

79th over: England 241-5 (Collingwood 30 Ambrose 68) New Zealand are just two overs away from the new ball, which they'll be hoping will wrap up this innings for them. Vettori is tossing the ball up high, looking to extract what little spin he can, and he beats Ambrose with a peach to close his first spell.

80th over: England 252-5 (Collingwood 34 Ambrose 69) For all of you desperately waiting on news of a TMS feed, well umm, Nathan Green hasn't yet got back in touch. In it's place Joe offers this: "Can't help with a TMS link, but you can get commentary from New Zealand's Sport Radio at www.radiosport.co.nz". Ambrose takes one, and Gillespie then bungs five wides over the batsman's head with a looping bouncer. Given that Collingwood carves the next ball through cover for four more, this has been an expensive over.

81st over: England 254-5 (Collingwood 36 Ambrose 69) And Vettori takes the new ball, tossing it to Kyle Mills. These last ten overs will determine how England's day is viewed; if England can survive them, then they'll emerge with a little credit, otherwise New Zealand will be on top. Robin Mudie "just wants to exclaim my puzzlement at James Anderson being bought into the side for Hoggard. Surly I can't be the only person who sees what a poor test match (and for that matter one day international) bowler he is? You don't even have to watch him, just look at his stats! If ever there was a case of someone thinking he's better than he actually is, it's Anderson. In fact I've just looked at his first class record and that's pretty poor as well. Is he blackmailing one of the selectors? Please someone explain this to me." No time for that now, Robin, England have almost lost a wicket with a running muddle, Collignwood seeking a third from his cover drive, Ambrose disagreeing with him on the matter mid-pitch. They survive though. Anderson, is, on his day, unplayable: the prospect of his producing one of those days is why he is persisted with. In these conditions, if he gets his length right, he should prosper. But then we've said that before and watched him flog through endless wicketless overs, and his record overseas is especially abysmal.

82nd over: England 258-5 (Collingwood 40 Ambrose 71) And at the other end comes Chris Martin, immediately making the ball swing in to the right hander. Ah Simon West has a lead for those seeking live coverage: "May I suggest for those looking for sopcast links, a charming site called bhejafry.net -- all the sports links of dubious legality you can shake a stick at. Or watch, if you prefer that to shaking sticks." And Collingwood drives him away for four - again through third man. To be honest, if Vettori had stuck someone in there this afternoon England would be fifty runs shy of where they are now.

83rd over: England 258-5 (Collingwood 40 Ambrose 71) This over is mostly given over to the interesting ponderings of Tim Maitland, so there: "During the 2006 (Football) World Cup I was struck by an article by an author (wish I could remember his name) arguing that the Corinthian spirit informs all English sport to this day. Sat in a Frankfurt cafe I watched England lose their star striker to a red card (Rooney) and their captain (Beckham) to injury... and then go on to play their best football of the whole damn tournament before going out on penalties to Portugal. The more I watch our teams, the less equipped we seem to be for prolonged and extended success. A one off, like the Ashes, the Rugby World Cup, we can manage... but we only seem to produce quality performances Dunkirk-style when the fat lady is warming up in the wings (see 08 RWC and defeat to South Africa in the group matches). I blame Roy of the Rovers, Billie's Boots and every other sporting cartoon character.... all of our stories are based on the triumph of the individual and team when facing exceptional adversity. What we need is a new comic star... an arrogant Shumacheresque shit... who is good, knows he's good, prepares to be good and then is good just like (insert name of every half-decent Australian since Bradman)." Brilliant fielding by How in the gully denies Ambrose another four.

84th over: England 263-5 (Collingwood 41 Ambrose 75) Great shot by Ambrose, thumping a drive through extra cover for four off Martin. OK, for the last time, those folk wanting radio coverage can find it here: "Live commentary, which is to say a couple of blokes watching a monitor with a pre-recorded track of crowd noise in the background, can be found here: http://stanjames.teamtalk.com/StanJames/Ashes_Popup Unlike the New Zealand Radio commentary, they speak with Yorkshire accents." or here: "a little difficult to find, but at the moment http://www.radiosport.co.nz/ListenLive/" is the actual feed. But no Aggers, CMJ et al. (So not really cricket to me) Oddly, during the Saturday session of the last test, they seemed to be talking about a local NZ game and not the Test." Thanks to Michael Meagher and Mark Zip for those. NOW NEVER PESTER ME WITH THESE REQUESTS AGAIN.

85th over: England 263-5 (Collingwood 41 Ambrose 75) "Regarding your piece on the Wilkinson/Harmison parallels," begins Ian Copestake, "Wilko seems to be adopting a life-changing "whatever" attitude which has also stripped him (for the moment) of his form. The ever increasing number of children Harmison is bringing into the world seems as much to do with his wish for an out from cricket as it is a reflection of his desire for a family. It's fascinating really." Ta, Ian, I thought so too... particularly seeing here other people took the discussion, though I do wish I'd thought to include little Michael Owen as well, even if he doesn't have anything like the emotional frankness of the other two. This was a maiden by Mills.

86th over: England 271-5 (Collingwood 41 Ambrose 83) This is good, really good, from Ambrose, striding down the pitch and driving the ball straight past the bowler and away for four. He's been tremendously impressive today, the second real plus of this series so far for England after Sidebottom. And another four! Ambrose slashes Martin through third man with a wide-swinging cut. He's making batting on this pitch look far easier than anyone else managed.

88th over: England 282-5 (Collingwood 48 Ambrose 88) Three overs to go, and Ambrose needs 12 runs to save himself a very nervous night's sleep indeed. Collingwood is on strike at the moment though, facing Oram. And even his bowling is going for runs now, Collingwood cutting four to the cover boundary.

89th over: England 291-5 (Collingwood 48 Ambrose 97) Mills continues.. and even as Bob Willis moans "I don't think there's any chance for him getting his century today now" Ambrose swivels onto the backfoot and lofts a pull up and over the rope at long leg for six. Great shot, and all the better for the spirit with which it was played, coming just before the close and with him just 12 runs shy of his debut ton. And again he pulls the ball away to leg. It sits up just short of the boundary and the batsmen run three. Ambrose moves to 97 and he needs just three from the final over! What a fascinating final session he's made this into.

90th over: England 291-5 (Collingwood 48 Ambrose 97) The last over of the day then, and the first ball is a dot. Ambrose has five deliveries to reach his mark. He plays and misses, the ball skimming past his outside edge as he props the bat forward. The next nips back, and Ambrose chops it down off the inside edge, just avoiding playing on. A superb over to close this, from Oram, who again beats the outside edge. He swings and misses at a short and wide one and then, the final ball of the day is... a dot. Another play and miss. In the end Ambrose did well not to get out there, let alone make his century.

An outstanding final session then ends a good, not great, day for England. Bookended by the superb stands for the first and sixth wickets, you can only wonder what went wrong in the middle. Ambrose and Collingwood were superb, the manner in which they orchestrated the counter-attack, the former hitting out while the latter took the singles and gave his partner the strike, was superb, some of the best batting by an England pair in recent memory. And as for Ambrose, well Peter Moores may just have found one here, salutary memories of Geraint Jones' and Matt Prior's early achievements with the bat aside. Anyway, I'm done here. Thanks for the company and emails, I'll see you back here tomorrow. Cheerio.