Parenting Adult ChildrenWho Just Won't Act Right

Parenting adult children is a problem in itself. If they're adults, they're not supposed to need parenting. But if they're in your home and causing problems, you certainly want to know what to do to make things better and not worse.

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Something's wrong here, or this young adult son or daughter would not still be in your home, or just causing problems in your life.

You love them and want the best for them, but it seems like everything you do backfires. That's because you're not the one that needs to be helping them.

Get Some Help With Parenting Adult Children

Here is your chance to read the stories of other parents dealing with this problem, and see what their recommendations are.

And you can tell your own story or ask your question, and get some Dr. DeFoore's professional recommendations. Just fill out the form below, and if your submission is selected, it will be published as a web page, along with the recommendations.

What Happened & What Do We Do Now?

You never intended for it to get this way, but here you are. Now let's figure out what happened, and how you can make it better.

What happened

Many circumstances can lead to problems with adult children failing to successfully transition into their adult life. We will look at a few of those now:

Often, any kind of handicap or learning difficulty can set things in motion. If parents overprotect a child to the point that s/he fails to learn the necessary adaptive skills for independent functioning, you will often end up with a dependent and emotionally volatile young adult at home with parents.

Sometimes after divorce, or when a marriage is unfulfilling, a parent will get emotionally attached to one or more of their children, and the young person gets the message that they're really not supposed to leave mom or dad alone. This is usually subconscious, which makes it all the more difficult to deal with.

If a child has anger and/or rebellion issues (which are quite normal for adolescents), and parents fail to claim appropriate authority in their home, the young person becomes a kind of tyrant, dominating the family. While this is not clearly anybody's fault per se, it is clearly incumbent upon the parents to take charge of the situation and restore order to their home.

If parents are addicted to substances, absent too much from the home, or if they have their own anger issues, these problems can also contribute to challenges around the launching process.

Now let's move on to how you can help...

How you can make it better

﻿As a parent, you absolutely must be in charge of your home, and for maintaining the peace and order that you need.

One of the most challenging aspects of this situation is that the young adult sometimes needs to be required to leave their parents' home, even if they're not fully ready...which they usually are not. This requires tough love, an essential part of every parenting relationship.

It is really true that "love is letting go," and that is often what parents have to do in these trying situations. Learn about letting go of a relationship, and begin applying some of these skills to your family relationships.

Sharpen up your parenting skills in general, and this will certainly help. However, keep in mind that your job as parent is over. Your adult child is...well, and adult, and it's no longer appropriate for you to be parenting them. That's why sometimes their moving out is the only answer.

You might want to check into getting some family counseling, which is usually the treatment of choice for these problems.

This will hopefully get you started, but it can be a very long road when you're parenting adult children. That's why we make it possible for you to help and be helped, right here!

Comments From Parents On Parenting Adult Children

"I stumbled upon your website trying to gain a better understanding of my grown son and his anger outbursts. I feel completely blessed by your website and your philosophy, also the shared stories of other parents experiencing the same type of verbal abuse and disrespect. I have told my friends that you have given me a new perspective on many things in my life. I actually wake up feeling in control and happy. Thanks and I continue to read and learn from your positive wisdom."

Marcia Caison, ESL Teacher

"Thank you very much for writing the article on abusive adult
children. I found your response to be very comforting to me as I was just about
ready to throw my hands up in the air and give up on my son as well as
everything else. There is nothing more heartbreaking than to lose a child."

Adult Son Is Verbally Abusive And Hurtful Not rated yet I have an adult son who is always abusing me. I raised my three children by myself with no financial assistance from their father. We separated when …

I'm Confused By My Adult Son's Anger Not rated yet I have a 40-year old son who has increasing episodes of angry outbursts that he says I am triggering, but I can't see what I'm doing or saying that sets …

Adult Kids Mean To Mom Not rated yet I have a daughter 32 and a son 26. Their dad and I are divorced 11yrs. I am learning that my kids have been playing between their parents all of these …

Grown Abusive Son Needs To Leave Not rated yet My wife and I live in Georgia. I have a 38 year old adult step son (my wife's) who has done drugs since he was about 15 and for years, pretty much lived …

Depressed And Angry Nineteen Year Old Son Not rated yet My nineteen year old son is very depressed and at times he gets very angry that I'm too frightened to talk to him. I get worried that one day he might …

Anger In Denial Not rated yetI have a grown son of 23 who is now married and has a baby who's just turned a year in April. He and his partner had only 'dated' for 3 months before she …

Looking For Help For My Son Not rated yetDear Dr. DeFoore,
I stayed in a volatile, violent relationship with my first love who I was trying to help with his drug problem to the detriment of …

32 Year Old Son Is Out Of Control Not rated yetMy 32 year old son is currently living with his grandmother, uncle, and aunt in grandma's house. He works in construction, but he's unemployed and currently …