Closely. Simply. Freely.

Best Mom Tip #177: Enter the Momlympics

The Momlympics are just like the Olympics except that instead of elite athletes making you feel inferior because you canNOT run a mile in under 4 minutes, they have moms competing in categories for which only motherhood can prepare you.

Thus far, the Momlympics includes the following events:

Schlepping stuff: If you have ever used your mouth to carry something like your phone because your hands were filled with a school bag, two sippy cups, a random sock, car keys, your own purse, a water bottle, and a baby, you have been training for this category. Then you thought, “did I just put my PHONE in my mouth?!! The same phone I set on an elliptical machine at a public gym in case the school calls about one of my kids and that I then let my toddler play with? I am clearly going to die of norovirus.”

Clothes Changing: In a car, in a public restroom stall, in the booth of a restaurant, with a baby that does flips every 2 seconds, with a newborn who cannot control his arms while another child clings to your legs, while you are covered in diet coke AND you’re in a rest stop parking lot, when one or more of the participants are covered in vomit, when none of the clean clothes left fit the child who needs new clothes, and when due to unforeseen weather or spontaneous swimming it involves 3+ children and yourself. This category is going to be pretty competitive this year and is closely related to the next one…

Bodily Function Clean-up: If you have ever caught spit-up with your hand or been glad that the poop landed on you because at least you don’t have to clean the floor, this is your event. Do you have 14 different boxes of tissues hidden in your home and car? Do you buy baby wipes to keep in your car even though you no longer have a baby? Do you know how to get blood out of silk because of that one time you dressed nicely for a date and a kid busted his lip AGAIN while running in socks? It’s got to be fast before another kid sees/steps in/tracks through the house whatever it is that needs cleaning up. And it’s gotta involve at least a little bleach.

Finding things: Where are my shoes? What happened to the 12th rubber disk that my Buzz Lightyear gun shoots? Where is my blankie? Where is my paci? Where is Daddy? Where did I leave my milk? Where is my skirt/shirt/pants that I want to wear right now? Why are these items invisible to everyone in the family except Mommy? I don’t know, but prepare to test your skills while thinking like a kid.

Remembering Things: Prescriptions dosages, number of kids in their classes, when the doctor appointments are, when the dentist appointments are, which kid has a class party, which kid cannot have anything that has ever looked at a peanut in their lunch, that even though she didn’t ask for them your daughter will be disappointed if you don’t send in cookies for the class to share on her birthday, and when the baby needs to eat again. This category will not include remembering your own appointments or birthday because your brain is clearly full of random other crap.

In the interest of full disclosure I am forced to admit that, as of yet, there are no actual Momlympics. But if there were, I would be a serious contender. What other events would you like to see?