Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.

‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Checkmate

Well, that was one of the most anti-climatic finales ever: The ladies go to a nonsense made-up party, some of them bicker, but not really, and then everyone does some tequila shots and goes home. Alright, we good? Are we’re done here? Great, see you in the reunion.

OH FINE. WE WILL DO THIS.

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It’s all rather boring and pointless and going to be hard to make funny because SO BORING, I’m just warning you.

The Chamber of Commerce is having its big “Happy 100th Birthday, Beverly Hills!” party at the Beverly Hilton and have agreed to allow RHOBH to film at it because … I don’t know? Does a chamber of commerce need publicity, or are they, like everyone else in Los Angeles, just a bunch of fame whores who like to see themselves on television? I think I have my answer.

Carlton and Jerry Maguire are the first to arrive, followed by Yoyawnda, Kim and Jacqueline Joyce and Babyman. Carlton immediately confronts Yoyawnda about the whole Lisa situation, and Yoyawnda explains that she just finds it very disappointing that Lisa walked away in Puerto Rico. If they were real friends and not merely “Hollywood friends,” Lisa would have stuck around and worked things out instead of fleeing in the dead of night. (Or at dawn, as the case actually was.)

Brandi and her yummy date, Drew, ride to the party with Kyle and Mauricio. And that sentence right there is why I can’t get too emotionally invested in this idea that Lisa’s relationships with Brandi and Kyle are over and done with, forever and ever and ever. Because this just was not all that long ago:

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Grandpa Ken and Lisa take their own Vanderlimo to the party, where Lisa sighs wistfully that she’s sad, and Grandpa Ken grumbles that he’s hungry. Well, then it’s a good thing they are on their way to a fancy Beverly Hills party where they can fill up on Peruvian cracked peppercorns and slivers of lemon.

Brandi and Kyle arrive, quickly followed by Lisa and Grandpa Ken, whom Kyle asserts she is most certainly not nervous to see, but I don’t know who is buying that story, I’d be Vanderterrified. Brandi is more honest and decides that while she does want to talk to Lisa, she’s going to need at least three drinks in her before she can deal. Word, Brandi. I need three drinks in me before I can deal with any of you people.

Despite Kyle’s declaration of bravery, it’s Yoyawnda who first approaches Lisa and asks her about her early departure from Puerto Rico. Yes, Darling, the whole situation was Vanderimpossible, Lisa offers. This doesn’t explain the photos that Lisa and Grandpa Ken posted of themselves on Instagram at a resort down the road (photos which, in addition to any pictures of Brandi, appear to have since been scrubbed), but it seems that’s the only explanation we’re going to Vandereceive.

Grandpa Ken comes over with drinks for Lisa and some ice for Yoyawnda and Kyle: “HI GUYS. HOW ARE YOU,” he sneers before skulking off. Yoyawnda, who is still really unhappy with Grandpa Ken calling her stupid in Puerto Rico, declares in an interview that she hasn’t seen that much attitude, not even from Beyoncé.

TO THE LEFT, YOYAWNDA.

Lisa does half-Vanderpologize to Jacqueline Joyce for leaving early, sort of. Kind of. But not really. Jacqueline Joyce wonders why Lisa would just run away rather than stick around and work things out, but Lisa insists that it was “better that way, Vandertrust [her].” But rather than do that, Jacqueline Joyce instead hopes that Lisa doesn’t just storm out tonight, too. FORESHADOWING.

When Grandpa Ken joins them, Jacqueline Joyce informs him that Kim regretted some of the things she said to him at that unfortunate dinner, but Grandpa Ken dismisses Kim as “not really being on the same planet as us.” Jacqueline Joyce and Lisa hiss at him that he mustn’t say such mean things, but Grandpa Ken is living by the code of octogenarians everywhere: HE IS OLD AND HE GETS TO SAY WHAT HE WANTS.

Jacqueline Joyce and Babyman join Kyle and Mauricio for tequila shots, because more alcohol is clearly necessary. “¡Arriba, abajo, al centro, pa’ dentro!” “¡Por la vida! ¡Y tetas!” And ”Shiny People Doing Tequila Shots in the Name of Boobs” might very well be the Chinese translation of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. It is entirely possible.

Brandi discusses the whole Lisa kerfuffle with Carlton who is somewhat skeptical of Brandi’s versions of events, having spoken to Lisa herself upon her return from Puerto Rico. Brandi warns Carlton that she is being used as Lisa’s newest Vanderpuppet, which is received about as well as one might expect, which is to say not well-received at all.

Lisa decides it is time to attempt to clear things up with Kyle now, here, at this party, where the rest of the cast is hovering around, rather than privately, off-camera either as soon as she knew Kyle was back from Puerto Rico or, even better, after filming was completed, what, some two hours from this particular moment?

ANYWAY. Lisa takes Kyle aside and explains that she knows it’s up to Kyle to choose whom to believe regarding the suitcase tabloids, she can’t Vandersuade her one way or another. Kyle insists that Lisa would ask the same questions if she were in Kyle’s Louboutins, but Lisa protests that she answered Kyle’s questions on the beach! What more did Kyle want from her? Lisa then channels her inner Juan Pablo, and passive-aggressively sighs that “ees okay.” IT IS NOT OK, Kyle declares. NO EES OKAY. SHE NEEDS TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

Lisa points out that she had been on the same magazine’s cover accused of making a sex tape, I suppose as evidence that they are in this together, and she would never put Kyle through that particular nightmare. Kyle responds that’s all well and good, but that she had been dealing with the cheating rumors in the tabloids for two months before anyone reached out to her. Only when someone accused Lisa and Brandi of leaking the story to the press did Lisa Vandereach out to Kyle through a tweet. Lisa counters that she defended Kyle at the lunch at Carlton’s house when Brandi brought up the rumors (which, again, it should be pointed out was before Palm Springs, suggesting that Lisa’s claim that the tabloids had not yet been published ring false), but Kyle dismisses this as a day late and a Vanderdollar short.

Kyle asks Lisa point-blank if Lisa cares about her, is she Kyle’s Vanderfriend because IT IS REALLY UNCLEAR. In response, Lisa dismisses the suitcase tabloid story as being part of Brandi’s “agenda.” But Kyle points out that Lisa’s the one who had always urged Kyle to trust Brandi as a truth-teller and straight-shooter. So, when Brandi comes to Kyle with a story filled with very specific details, what does Lisa want her to do? Not believe her? And with that move, Kyle uses Lisa’s own pawn to checkmate the Queen.

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Lisa, flustered, declares that she’s done, she can’t do this anymore, she’ll always be there for Kyle, whatever, but she must Vandergo now, Darling, and with that, she walks away.

Some speeches happen, WHO CARES. Meanwhile, Kim meets Brandi’s date, Drew, and is all “MOMMA LIKEY,” before going off with Yoyawnda to bond over their respective empty nests. This is less interesting than The Producers think.

Brandi finally decides that its time to talk to Lisa and wring out an apology. To that end, she leads Lisa over to a pool cabana and lays out her grievances — or, really, Brandi’s one and only grievance: Scheana. Brandi does not appreciate Lisa constantly bringing Scheana around, and it was just insulting to make Brandi congratulate Scheana on her engagement. Maybe because she’s never been divorced, Lisa doesn’t get it, but Brandi’s preeeeeeety sure that if Grandpa Ken were to defeat science and manage to have an affair, Lisa wouldn’t be too Vanderhappy if Brandi befriended the mistress and kept dragging her to their lunches and fake birthday parties.

Lisa tries to interject what makes her sad, but Brandi is NOT INTERESTED IN LISA’S VANDERFEELINGS. Brandi did not bring Lisa over to have a conversation with Lisa, she brought her over to receive an apology from Lisa! What about this does Lisa not Vnaderstand?

Lisa counters that Scheana has been her employee for five years, and that Scheana was devastated when she realized what she had done to Brandi. Well that changes everything, Brandi answers. OH WAIT, NO IT DOESN’T. I WAS PREGNANT WHEN SHE SLEPT WITH MY HUSBAND. SHE IS A WHORE. Lisa responds that she just doesn’t see Scheana like that, which of course is the root of the problem, and why Brandi announces that they aren’t “true friends” anymore.

Brandi then explains that she has been under Lisa’s Vanderspell for the past two years, and she is terrified to be on Lisa’s bad Vanderside, but that she’s free now and she believes she is stronger on her own. She loves Lisa, but Brandi can’t be manipulated by her or a part of her game anymore. Lisa is stunned by all of this, somehow, and protests that she only ever supported and defended Brandi, even when she was behaving indefensibly. Lisa begins to try to Vanderpromise Brandi … something … but Brandi cuts her off before she can finish her statement, and with that, the two part ways and totter off in opposite directions.

But we’re still not quite done: Mauricio takes Grandpa Ken aside to ask him man-to-man whether or not Lisa really encouraged Brandi to bring the tabloids to Palm Springs. Never mind the fact that Grandpa Ken wasn’t there at the time, Mauricio just needs to know what Grandpa Ken thinks happened in this situation at which he was not present. It’s important. And Grandpa Ken is honest with him: if Lisa says she didn’t instruct Brandi to bring the tabloids along, she didn’t instruct Brandi to bring the magazines along! As far as he knows! Which he can’t really confirm because he wasn’t there! But say she did tell Brandi to bring the magazine, in the hypothetical and completely believable situation in which that happened, answer Grandpa Ken this, Mauricio, did they bring the magazines out in Palm Springs? Mauricio admits that he doesn’t know because he wasn’t there which EXACTLY, NEITHER WAS GRANDPA KEN. WHY ARE YOU TWO EVEN DISCUSSING THIS? WHAT DO YOU POSSIBLY HAVE TO ADD TO THIS CONVERSATION?

At this point, Yoyawnda, Brandi and Lisa join the men, because that will help. As Yoyawnda complains about Grandpa Ken calling her stupid back in Puerto Rico, Grandpa Ken leads Mauricio away to talk privately. There, Grandpa Ken asserts for the thousandth time that Lisa did not do the thing with the magazine that the “silly ladies” say she did and Mauricio accepts this with a hug.

Meanwhile, Kyle and the other ladies come over as Brandi and Lisa debate what, exactly, happened with the tabloids. Brandi insists that Lisa looked through them and suggested that Brandi pack them, and Lisa insists that she didn’t, adding: BUT WHY DID BRANDI HAVE THE TABLOIDS IN THE FIRST PLACE, HUH? WHAT’S THE REAL CRIME HERE, ANYWAY? No one is buying it.

Grandpa Ken rejoin the ladies, and Yoyawnda barks at Grandpa to GO AWAY, THIS IS LADY BUSINESS. Grandpa Ken sneers that if Yoyawnda’s husband were here the two of them might have a chat about this whole situation. Yoyawnda counters that David Genius Foster wouldn’t associate with the likes of Grandpa Ken, a man who attacks women in public. Grabbing Yoyawnda’s arm, Grandpa Ken suggests that Yoyawnda’s husband tell that to him himself, and Yoyawnda flings him off, demanding that he not touch her. Yoyawnda declares that he is a very rude man, to which he calls her “stupid,” again, and infuriating her.

With that, Grandpa Ken and Lisa stomp out of the party, while Kyle trots behind, pleading with Lisa to not run away again. It falls on deaf Vanderears.

And so we conclude the fourth season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Needs moar wiguanas.

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“Yoyawnda is on the verge of beating Lyme Disease. Yoyawnda is ready for her next challenge … moving closer to Beverly Hills. She and David have listed their Malibu home for $27.5 million.”

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“Carlton returned the blue skull necklace to Kyle. Not wanting it, Kyle gave it to Jacqueline Joyce. Jacqueline Joyce left it on her front step … and it disappeared.”

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“Jacqueline Joyce will soon be crowning the second Queen of the Universe. Chances are the winner will not be named Brandi. Or Joyce Jacqueline for that matter.”

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“Kim is coping with empty nest syndrome … but she doesn’t need to worry about Kingsley leaving the nest. He may never graduate obedience school.”

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“Kyle celebrated Sophia’s Bat Mitzvah, and is preparing for Alexia to head to college. She’s also dealing with Portia’s new career goal: child actress.” (OH LORD SAVE US.)

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“Lisa’s new bar PUMP will soon have its grand opening in West Hollywood. She has been ordained to perform gay weddings in its garden. No charge for Giggy as ring-bearer.”

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“Brandi’s second book Drinking & Dating has become a bestseller, so now she’s drinking and house hunting. She’s using JR … but just to help her find a house.”

I am not even going to discuss the postscript with the ladies preparing for the reunion, because we have weeks of reunion nonsense ahead of us still. That, and it was mostly the women getting their hair did, blathering about how nervous they are and complaining about not sleeping the night before. SO INSIGHT. MUCH INTERESTING.

However, this does give me an opportunity to make a programming note regarding the reunions. I will be late with next week’s entry. Very late. Like, maybe-not-even-watching-it-before-the-second-part airs late. I may not even watch any television next week, and after a month of the Olympics and the 9-week train wreck that was The Bachelor, I CAN NOT WAIT. I appreciate your understanding and patience and will be thinking of you all while luxuriating in my cone of silence.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Monday nights at 7 p.m./8 p.m. EST on Bravo. We still have three weeks of reunions to slog through.

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.