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The tiny mouse that became a hotly disputed symbol of wasteful spending in the $787 billion economic stimulus bill has returned to pester House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

The Obama administration revealed last week that as much as $16.1 million from the stimulus program is going to save the San Francisco Bay Area habitat of, among other things, the endangered salt marsh harvest mouse.

That has revived Republican criticism that the pet project was an "invisible earmark" in the massive spending bill for Mrs. Pelosi, whose San Francisco district abuts the Bay, and epitomizes what Republicans say is the failure of stimulus spending so far to help an economy still shedding jobs.

"Lo and behold, the government has announced that the mouse is getting its money after all," House Minority Leader John A. Boehner, Ohio Republican, said, standing beside a poster of the furry varmint. "Speaker Pelosi must be so proud."

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski,and his homosexual partner Andrew 'Kiki' Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a ####### session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up into his rectum and slipped 'raggot', our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted 'ARMAGEDDON!,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out of the tubing like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his ####### and lower intestinal tract.

Top Ten Scariest Things About This Story:

10.) "I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum..." Ouch!!!

9.) "So I peered into the tube..."Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8.) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of that guy's ####### like 'Rocky the Flying Squirrel' on Rocky & Bullwinkle.

7.) Suffering a broken nose from a grebil being launched out of someone's #######. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was spring-time fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.

6.) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5.) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, ####### sex-feinds breakind into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old-fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at the doctor and saying, "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."

4.) "First and second degree burns to the #######." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning ####### must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3.) People named 'Kiki', which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2.) What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1.) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

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