No, sir, I'm not sniffing glue. I just bought Microsoft's new operating system, Windows XP, last night after work. Wow, is it great. Let me tell you some of the things it can do.

First of all, I can install it into my new fancy refrigerator I got for my birthday. Windows XP will detect when I'm out of something, then automaticlaly order it for me over the Internet, eliminating my need to actually get off my fat ass, leave my house, and go to the grocery store myself. Do you know I've gained 10 pounds this last month? I wonder why... I should go see my doctor.

My wife bought a new video recorder last night. Now I can tell Windows XP which shows I like watching and it will automatically record it for me. That way I don't have to actually be at home to watch my favorite show when its on. I can save it and watch it whenever I find time. Cool, huh?

Oh, and then, after all that, we installed Windows XP in our house. Yea, it's pretty sweet. Windows now controls our entire life. It cooks our meals in the mornings, it takes our kids to school (in cars driven by Windows XP), it cleans the house, vaccuums the floors, polishes the trophies, prays, sacrifices helpless little furry animals, worships Satan, performs exorcisms, and even wakes us up in the morning.

So, why am I late? Oh, well when I finally woke up, I saw my alarm clock had the BSOD. Yes, I know I've been late 20 times this past month. What? You're firing me?!?!? This is an outrage! I'll see you in court!

I guess it's time to have Windows XP review my case so it can make a reasonable argument in court next week. Wow, my life has become much more fulfilling since I sold my soul... err, I mean bought Microsoft's new Windows XP.