In Love With My Teacher

Question:

I'm a student at Tbilisi State University, and I'm in love with my teacher who is 50 years old (I'm 21). I'm so confused. When we are together, we both have a very, very strong wish to hug each other; we miss each other when we have not seen each other for a long time; and we both have a very, very strong wish for a physical relationship. Sometimes I feel ill when I can't hug him. On the one hand, we really love each other very much, but are very confused about our wish to have physical contact.

Please tell me why and in which type of conditions it is possible to fall in love with a man who is 29 years older. Is it possible for a 50-year-old man to fall in love with 21-year-old girl? Thanks in advance.

Marimari, 21-year-old woman

Answer:

Dear Marimari,

My first question is whether this man is married. Does he have a middle-aged wife who no longer excites him? Or is he alone and lonely?

The second question is, what do you want? Is it a passionate affair, and then a parting? Or do you see yourself in a committed relationship, perhaps having children together? Or is your situation that you feel this attraction, but would like to not feel it?

To answer your actual question, you may be in love with this man despite the age difference because he has personal qualities that make you feel good, and maybe subconsciously, things about him remind you of other men in your early childhood. Or, it is also possible that you are not in love with him, but with the power, status, and perceived wisdom of his position. On his part, most older men feel young women to be attractive. He may be genuinely in love with you regardless of your age, or he may falsely see you as a way to recapture his youth. It is very flattering for an older man to have a young woman be attracted to him, and this may be a big part of it for him.

Depending on the actual situation with the various possibilities I have stated here, you can do one of two things:

1. Enjoy the gift of mutual attraction; get as much joy out of life as you can, for as long as you can. If it then ends, then look back on it with pleasure and joy rather than regret.

2. If you feel that there are moral, practical or emotional barriers and you feel this attraction but you don't want to carry it through to a sexual relationship, then you can deal with it the way we can deal with any temptation to do something we don't want to.

I have clients who have a terrible urge to use drugs they know harms them. Others have an apparently irresistible temptation to steal things, or to do violent acts. If you decide that it would be wrong to have a sexual relationship, then you can approach your physical attraction in the same way. Look up "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy"¯ on the web. It is one of the more powerful approaches for achieving this.

Bob

This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 31 years experience as a psychologist and is registered with the Australian Psychological Society. He practices in Australia. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith".