Sunday, July 15, 2012

There is no epidural strong enough to endure the labor of "Hercules"!

Ahoy, HMN fans -

For this month's entry into our pantheon of dreck, we seriously contemplated writing only one sentence to entice you to visit with us: "Have you ever seen someone throw a bear into outer space?" As great as that sentence is (and it does happen in the movie, BTW), we felt we owe to it ourselves to explain the hilarious nightmare that is 1983's "Hercules".

The classic tale of the Greek superman is updated (for 1983 anyway) with a boatload of cheesy special effects, stop-motion animation, and Lou Ferrigno's pulsating muscles. Instead of twelve labors, this particular Hercules must travel hither and yon at the whim of the gods, mostly in pursuit of the fair Cassiopeia. In trying to avoid death from both mortal and divine hands, Hercules fights all manner of foes (including mechanical monsters), visits Atlantis AND Hell, and rides an interstellar chariot powered by a rock.

Story is quite secondary in this movie -- maybe thirdly or lastly, actually. Of much more importance is Lou's heaving pecs, as well as the eternal movie babe Sybil Danning's heaving pecs. We also have a droning narrator, who takes us from the creation of the universe on through the entirety of the film. Another highlight is Daedalus, who from her outpost on the moon, shows off small versions of the mechanical monsters she plans to use to doom Hercules -- they are the actual stop-motion models used in the movie. At one point, another god asks her, "Can you make them bigger?" And of course, there's that space bear.

As hot as this movie is, it won't be hot in the newly-air-conditioning-laden NerdMelt Theater. Get your tickets in advance, and you will receive a discount! We will also be offering a free ticket to the show in our new Horrible Movie Caption contest -- write the funniest caption to a still of this month's movie, and you'll get in free! Follow us on Facebook and Twitter to keep updated on when the contest begins.

Those interstellar bears of improv, The Omelettes, will grace the stage once again at HMN, creating scenes based on the movie and your suggestions. But of course, the star of the evening is you! Regale us with your funny bon mots and you could win a prize. BYOB and guarantee you'll be funnier.