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Wednesday, January 22, 2014

NYC Porno

This week, Isabella Rossellini continues her one-woman monologue, Green Porno, about the fascinating and sometimes surprising mating rituals of animals, insects, and sea creatures. Inspired by her enthusiasm and our own love of animals, we at the BAM blog decided to look into the sexual antics of some of our local New York City fauna—critters we encounter (and in some cases, dread) on a regular basis.

Our NYC Porno is more Prospect Park than 1980s Times Square, and 100% safe for work, though you may never look at an adorable little French Bulldog in the same way.

If I were a pigeon...

If I were a male, I’d bring my mate one stick, laying it in front of her, and she'd accept the stick. We'd repeat this, and build our nest.

In courtship, I would strut around a prospective mate, and if a female approved, she’d put her beak inside mine.

I would have no external sex organs, which makes it difficult to tell whether I’m male or female. During sex, I would ejaculate very quickly.

If I were a cockroach...

If I were a female, I’d want to be as smelly as possible, so my pheromones could attract a mate.

All the male cockroaches would fight over me, and the winner would be rewarded with a rather lengthy mating process, in which we’d face opposite directions the entire time.

I’d carry around 40 fertilized eggs in my oothoca, a sac which I’d drop off in a warm, damp area. My developing roaches would feed on the eggs’ yolks, and after around 38 days, hatch as little white nymphs.

I’d repeat this process many times throughout my year-long life, producing around 400 little baby cockroaches, often more.

If I were a squirrel...

I’d build a nest or drey in the fork of a tree, which I would only share with a squirrel of the opposite gender during the mating season.

If I were a female squirrel, I’d be fertile for just one day, attracting males from as far away as 500 meters with my scent.

I’d be mounted by the most dominant, and possibly a few more, after which the males would leave; I would never see them again.

After about 45 days, my babies would be born: blind, deaf, and naked.

If I were a French Bulldog...

I'd be nicknamed the "heartache breed,"perpetuating essentially only with help from man.

I'd probably not breed naturally. As a female, I'd be artificially inseminated. (Male breeders dictate the scheduling, and females always travel to the males, with human help).

I'd give birth by C-section, 60 days after my last breeding.

My litter would be supervised around the clock by humans to prevent me from crushing my pups.

If I were a bedbug...

As a male, I'd stab my mate in the abdomen with sharp genitals and inseminates her directly in her body cavity.

Sometimes, I'd mistakenly try to mate with another male this way, killing them once my bedbug penis was removed

My seminal fluid would be antimicrobial, emitted from genitals that was included in my mouthparts