Why Doesn’t She Let Me Give Her Pleasure?

I met John recently and he asked me for some advice about his sex life. Here’s his story: When I have sex with my girlfriend she always insists that we take care of my needs first. I try to tell her that I want her to come first but she seems uncomfortable with that. She protests, insisting that she’s fine. The thing is, that once I’ve had my orgasm I’m wiped out. I have no energy left to take care of her needs. Is she just being nice?

This story probably isn’t that uncommon. John clearly wants to take the time to satisfy his partner and he tries to focus on her. He used the phrase, “she comes first” which also happens to be the title of a book by Ian Kerner. She Comes First is an excellent guide on how to bring a woman to orgasm. I think it should be required reading for every man and woman. Kerner understands that the majority of women will not reach orgasm from intercourse alone. And, given that men are typically depleted of energy after ejaculation, he advocates for the “she comes first” approach.

What I would tell John is that his lover probably has challenges achieving an orgasm. It’s not uncommon for women to feel self-conscious because it can take so long for them to climax. The average woman may take 20 minutes or longer before she is able to orgasm. And, that may feel like a long time. She starts to worry that he will get tired or think negatively of her.

Another possibility is that his girlfriend isn’t consistently orgasmic and doesn’t feel comfortable talking about that with her partner. Women often feel ashamed when they can’t orgasm or when it takes “a lot of work” So they try to avoid it by being magnanimous and offering to wait. Instead of talking about it they will try to “redirect” him and shift the focus. It’s a defense maneuver that keeps women from having to deal with their sexual performance, discomfort or disinterest.

A third option is that she may not be comfortable with what John is doing. If it’s oral sex she may not like it or she may be embarrassed about having him seeing, touching or licking her. When women feel uncomfortable about their bodies it’s difficult to express that. Will the comment be viewed as a criticism of his performance? Will he be hurt? Will he find her lacking and want to end the relationship?

Women in the 50 and over age range weren’t given much sex education. We may not feel comfortable with how our bodies look and we don’t know much about our genitalia. An amazing number of women have never touched themselves and don’t know what brings them pleasure. Shame, embarrassment and insecurity creep in making it that much harder to communicate with a lover.

John could start a conversation with his girlfriend, when they are not in bed, and tell her how much he cares. He could talk about how she turns him on and the pleasure he receives by being able to give her pleasure. He might start by telling her what he loves about her body and their lovemaking then ask her if she’s willing to explore more sexual avenues to pleasure. I’d suggest not focusing on orgasms alone but talking about the whole sexual experience.

My guess is that John’s girlfriend is equally frustrated, for different reasons. If they don’t start opening up to each other about their needs and desires the frustrations will grow. John feels a little shut down by her inability to let him pleasure her and I imagine she is holding on to some issues around her sexuality. The good news is that he sees what’s happening; now he needs to let this woman know how much he cares and express his desire to take their intimacy to the next level.

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Walker Thornton is a 62-year-old author and public speaker on a mission to help older women discover and enhance their sexuality. She specializes in women’s issues: sex, aging, and relationships. Her book, Inviting Desire is written for the older woman seeking to bring more enjoyment into her life. You can find her at www.walkerthornton.com, on Instagram as wjt62, on Twitter: http://twitter.com/WalkerThornton and on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/WalkerJThornton/

9 Responses

So very true. The most sexually satisfying relationships I’ve ever been in have been with women who were able to talk about what they liked and didn’t like. That, then, made it easy for me to satisfy them. Obviously with both of us comfortably satisfied the relationship, at least sexually, was quite successful.

I hope your article helps women understand that they stand a much better chance of having a rewarding sexual relationship if they can just overcome their inhibitions — whatever the reasons for them — and let their partners know what they find to be pleasurable and satisfying. The man, in his turn, will appreciate it greatly.

Martin, I fully agree. This woman should be thrilled to know that her boyfriend is eager to please her. I continue to see that the ability to communicate our sexual feelings and desires is the key ingredient in a fulfilling sex life! Thanks so much for your feedback, as always.

I think John’s woman has a real gem of a boyfriend. John sounds like the type of lover who would love to help her explore her sexuality and help her achieve pleasure.
I know that old ploy of telling your partner you are fine with him coming first. I used it for years when I knew I was not going to achieve orgasm and felt as if it were hopeless to even try. Much easier to cop out.
Wishing John and his partner the best in their quest for fulfilling sexual fun.

I have been trying to get my wife to let me give her an orgasm for years. I used to be a Stallion champ in the bed, but these 10 years she’s worked me down to 5 minute quickies, and no real foreplay or oral. In fact she does not know how to get me off, and will not let me learn to get her off orally. She will not even touch herself or her clit. She will not make it a little wet during sex, or rub it. Nothing.

When we married there was a few years difference – she was in her early 20s. During sex she said that she was nervous, and just had to calm down. So for 2 years She would lay flat on her back with her legs flat…making sex awkward. She never touches my penis, and doesn’t know how to give me a hand job. She has made sex an uncomfortable conversation when anything more than a quickie.

I have asked for a blowjob for my birthday…imagine…after years…and I ask for one every year and get more and more disappointed. Its her time to play with my penis for a bit, which is not a turn on when you flop it around and dry rub it, then climb on top for a quickie….anything past that 5 minutes is too much for her and hurts, and “no girl can last past 5 minutes: according to her…former lovers have had sex with me from power quickies to 10 minutes to hours.

I am an attractive guy, physically fit, endowed, intelligent and was willing to please at one point. I hate my sex life now. I have to look at porn, and try not to talk to other women because when they flirt I am attracted to it and don’t want to be tempted…The porn sucks often because this choke blowjob stuff isnt my generation, but that is what I resort to because my wife seems so disinterested. I wont have kids like this and will keep holding off. Thats usually when the sex life goes down hill, and this can’t go downhill any further.

If most woman can express their frustration and nitpick every blessed detail and flaw in their partner, then they should have no problem expressing their thoughts towards sex or pleasure. Either they want it…or dont. But after time, there damn well better be an explination as to WHY. if there is an I don’t know, then professional al help should be saught.