Tag Archives: women

Lately, my own personal relationships have been… nonexistent… for lack of a better word. I’m single but always fall for the same type of man; the kind that doesn’t want or know how to commit but also doesn’t want to be without me. I find this so strange because I believe in giving a person what you want from them, and being honest about it, so I give myself the way I want to receive that man. However, I never seem to receive the same thing back. I give honesty, even though I know that there’s a risk of heartache. If the man doesn’t fit well with me, I tell him, so that we both can move on to someone who is more compatible. I don’t find it fair to hold a person that you know isn’t right for you, particularly for selfish reasons. Not receiving the same level of honesty or consideration in return makes a heart cold. It makes it difficult to trust a man. It builds impenetrable walls.

In dating, I’ve allowed each man to have his own unbiased opportunity to mess up. It’s his own opportunity, his actions and his consequences. Regardless of what the last man did or didn’t do, a man coming into my life receives his own clean slate. Everything he says, does, doesn’t do, will or won’t do determines how I will feel about him in the end. If he lies to me, keeps unnecessary secrets, communicates poorly, isn’t consistent in his treatment or behavior towards me, can’t be monogamous, isn’t a gentleman or anything else, it is him and him only that I judge as a result. It’s called being open-minded. Even after failure, most of these men try to come back; some more than once. But if a man ruins the first opportunity, he might not be deserving of a second. If a man ruins the second opportunity, he definitelydoesn’t deserve a third.

I want a committed relationship that will eventually become a marriage. There have been many men that have shown an interest in being married to me. But they always have outrageous demands that require a great deal of sacrifice from me, and only me. They have wanted me to change into a Stepford wife – no friends, no outside interests, no hobbies, no life – whose world revolves only around them and their interests. This doesn’t work well for me because I have a lot of personal and career goals that I am striving to achieve. The role of housewife would have to come with a huge amount of financial security from that man for me to agree to give up my own hopes and dreams. I haven’t met a man with that much money yet.

This brings me to my dilemma. I’ve been single for the better part of the last ten years and my last relationship ended four years ago. I can’t seem to find a man who compliments me at all. Dating is a lot of work and requires a lot of time and energy that I don’t have much of. I’m not at all interested in online dating because I prefer organic connections, but I got rejected by eHarmony because they didn’t have anyone in their entire database that had the qualities I was seeking. What’s sad about that is that the qualities I want aren’t superficial. They are very basic in their definition, but I guess no one else is looking for the same from anyone else.

Then there are my friends. Most of whom are married. Unfortunately for me they all seem to have married men with no friends. None of their husbands know one single, eligible, good man on the entire planet. Outings with friends are very awkward when there are only couples around. I no longer want to be looked at cross-eyed because women fear I’m going to desperately hit on their husbands and boyfriends when I walk into a room. My friends don’t offer to set me up on blind dates or introduce me to single men. They just tell me to “bepatient”, that “he is coming”, that I’m “still young and have plenty of time for marriage”. Really? This makes me wonder how much my friends really care about me and understand my desire for companionship. So I’m going to find out.

I’m developing my own dating reality show. I think it might be the only way I will ever have the chance to meet enough men at one time just to find one I can date. And at the very least maybe it will prevent me from being pitied at the next black tie event I attend (Awww, Sweetie, where’s your date? Are you here alone?). My friends and relatives are being volun-told to participate. No excuses. If they love me, they each will have to find a good man for me to meet and convince him to come on the show.

Now, all I need is $30,000, a co-executive producer and a television network to air it on. Then I can find my Superman.

I give a lot to others and I expect a lot in return. I don’t believe in putting my name on, or behind anything or anyone that can not stand and deliver, regardless of the amount of money involved. I believe in protecting The Brand. The Brand will be my legacy.

I do a lot of this on my own. I am the talent, the publisher, the CEO, the marketing rep and the publicist. However, I credit several aspects of making Super Woman come to life to those Super individuals I surround myself with. They inspire me to do more and reach higher. They also keep me on solid ground and realistic. They protect my sanity so that I can protect The Brand. I am the responsible party in this endeavor. This is my work.

This woman’s work isn’t always easy. In fact, it is often very challenging and not always rewarding. I’ve had to eliminate people from my life because they didn’t want the best for me or because they didn’t believe in me. I’m constantly being tested with unexpected circumstances. This year has held several tests for me so far and it’s only February. My car was stolen, my books were stolen as a result, which resulted in some financial pressure for my household. I had to operate my business with less and still maintain my household. Once that hurdle was jumped, I was immediately faced with another unexpected financial circumstance because of human error on the part of a tax preparer from two years ago. I managed to get that resolved within a couple of days without acting “out of pocket”. However, it will take up to four weeks for me to receive reimbursement. In the meantime, I still need the money. Today, I had a minor issue with my printer and the copies of The Goodie BagI just received. Hopefully, that will be resolved today, as well and without me having to act “out of pocket”. The good news is that the event that I was supposed to present The Goodie Bagat this weekend was postponed to a later date.

Someone I care for told me today that this woman, is being “tested”. I fully agree. I believe that I am being tested. I don’t know if it is God testing my faith and resilience or if it is Satan testing my belief in God. Either way, I know I am being tested. This woman’s work is a test. Who better to be tested than Super Woman?

In retrospect, I don’t really mind the test. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Even the things we don’t want to happen have a purpose. I also believe that I am blessed and highly favored. I believe that anything worth me having will take hard work and perserverance on my part. I don’t expect this journey to be easy. I am not naive in the expectation that life and all that it includes will ever be easy. My life has never been easy. I’ve been through all kinds of bumps and bruises in my life thusfar. The beautiful thing is that bumps and bruises do heal. Some last a little longer than others, but they heal with prayer and strength.

Because my life hasn’t been easy, I actually expect challenges along the way. Without those challenges I wouldn’t know how to recover. Without those challenges, I wouldn’t know how to move forward. Without those challenges I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today. I wouldn’t be Super Woman. And this woman’s work would be in vain.

So I do what I always do. I resolve the issues to the best of my ability, I ask for help resolving the issues, if necessary, and I keep it moving forward. I don’t pity myself. If I feel the need to cry, I cry and get it over with. I pray over the issues and ask for God’s hand and guidance in the resolution of any challenges that I may face. I thank God for him adjusting my life to fit His plan, so that I can achieve the greatness that I am built for. Then I look forward to the next day… and the day after that… and the day after that. It is in divine order for me to do this, or it wouldn’t have come to fruition. Why do I do it? Because this woman’s work isn’t easy. If it were easy, everyone could do it, but everyone can’t. So I do it. Because it’s what I do.

I truly believe in self-assessment and self-reflection of oneself. I believe a person with strong character knows their worth and their flaws. Acceptance of oneself in all your glory and imperfections allows you to set personal goals that enhance personal growth. Some people refer to it as “Me” time. I recently went on my much needed annual vacation to somewhere hotter than Michigan. I started my voyage in South Beach and from there boarded a Carnival cruise ship to the Caribbean; Grand Turks and the Bahamas to be specific. This was my third time in Miami and probably my eighth time in Florida. But it was my first time on a cruise and my first time going to the Caribbean. No, I didn’t go with a group of girlfriends. No, I didn’t go with a man (I’m not in a relationship). No, I wasn’t afraid to be alone. I was looking forward to it. I was looking forward to digging my own space under the sunshine of the south of Florida and on the turquoise waters of the Caribbean Sea.

My flight departed without incident, although they had overbooked the flight. My flight landed on time and my shuttle arrived quickly to take me to The Richmond Hotel. The Richmond was a nice, oceanfront, boutique hotel on Collins Avenue in South Beach. However, I soon came to the realization that I was the only person of color on the premises who was not an employee there. It started in increments. First, at check in I was asked to pay for the two remaining nights of my stay in advance, plus an additional resort fee for “incidentals”. When I asked what type of incidentals would that additional fee cover, I was told “in case you break something”. I quickly raised my voice a little too loud for their comfort and informed them that I would not be paying in advance, nor would I be throwing rock star parties and breaking anything during my stay. Yes, I was offended. I didn’t know if this request was being made because I was Black or if it was because I was from Detroit. Either way, I was offended and I let it be known. Especially since none of the other quests checking in had been asked to pay in advance. I agreed to pay the resort fee, but let them know that I wouldn’t pay another dime until check out.

Later, as I lay out by the pool, I was greeted by the pleasantly surprised faces of the Afro-Caribbean women and men, who either worked in housekeeping or as doormen. They greeted me in the hallways and at the door, everyday with big, proud, smiles. Mind you, this was not a four or five star hotel; it may have been a three star hotel at best. But “we” apparently, were moving on up like George and Weezie.

On this trip I also had to endure the weeding of my garden and eliminate individuals from my life. Without this trip, I may not have been able to identify those people. I just don’t believe it to be necessary for me to allow men to mistreat me or speak to me in a disrespectful manner, simply because, out of their ignorance, they “think” they can. So they got dismissed – permanently and without apology.

Aside for the small bumps, the Caribbean is one of the most beautiful places I’ve laid eyes on. I’m thankful for the opportunity and finances to be able to enjoy myself. I learned new things, met interesting and intelligent people from across the USA and in the Caribbean. I received inspiration from the sun, the sand and the coasts. I got some much needed rest and ate delicious foods. The best part is that I didn’t gain any weight and I looked great in my swimsuits.

As usual, I received the common question – “Are you here by yourself?” And I was proud to say ‘yes’. But that always leads to – “You don’t have a boyfriend?” The answer is ‘no’. The follow up is then – “You are too pretty to be by yourself.” I replied, ‘Thank you. Would you like to tell that to the men where I’m from?’ The truth is that I would never go anywhere if I waited to have a relationship first. I’ve been told my men and women that I don’t have a man because I’m too independent and that doesn’t allow a man to do anything for me. I think that is an excuse for men not to step up and try something new.

Personally, I’m not interested in someone who doesn’t want to leave the city they were born in, or is too afraid to board an airplane or otherwise step out of their comfort zone. I shouldn’t be expected to wait to be partnered up with a man in order to enjoy living. The idea that you have to wait to live is ridiculous. I would much rather explore this entire planet alone, than wait for someone to explore it with who may or may not exist. The possibility that I may not a boyfriend or husband anytime soon, isn’t a negative mindset; it is embracing a reality. It is a self-assessment. I refuse to be a little old lady that waited and waited to live her life, just to wake up one day and discover that her life is almost over. If that means that I travel every winter by myself, I can live with that.

I enjoyed my “me” time. I enjoyed turning heads and being rebellious against hotel’s request. I enjoyed walking on the beach, riding a horse in the ocean, wearing a bathing suit instead of clothes, and wearing no makeup. I enjoyed the shopping, eating, sightseeing and being flirted with by Caribbean men. I enjoyed my trip tremendously.

I enjoy my “me” time. I enjoy living life. I’m looking forward to doing it more often…even if I have to do it alone.

Today is the day. I wasn’t expecting this day to happen this soon. I have Tiffany Tilley and Gary Williams to thank, because it is right on time and it is forcing me to be proactive in the marketing of The Goodie Bag; The Erotic Fiction Collection. Today is the day for my first Book Signing. It will be held at The Red Velvet Lounge, at Beans N Cornbread Restaurant, located at 29508 Northwestern Hwy in Southfield, Michigan from 5 pm to 10 pm. I will also present an Intimacy Seminarto help people enhance their sexual relationships with their spouses and significant others. Tonight I will explain what The Goodie Bag is, where the idea for the book orginated, and answer a few questions about my business and upcoming projects. Currently the book is only available to purchase through this websitefor $20. Tonight, at the Book Signing, I will have copies available for purchase, and I will also unveil a special “treat” .

Yesterday someone said to me “I heard you wrote a book. You told me you were going to, but I thought you were just talking. You know how people ‘just talk'”. Obviously, this person doesn’t know me very well. I don’t talk about anything I’m doing until it’s more than half done. I don’t put out information about my ideas until they are already thought through and feasible.

I don’t pretend to do big things: I DO big things.

This isn’t just about me, although it IS about me. At the end of the day, I am in business. I am The Company, The Woman and The Brand. I am completely responsible for the success or failure of my business. Therefore, I have no choice but to go hard or go home. Actually, I have no choice but to go hard, because failure isn’t an option for me at all. The investment I’ve made is too great not to put my everything into it. And I want a return on my investment. I also want to help other writers realize their dreams. Becoming published isn’t that easy. Becoming recognized is even more difficult. There are a lot of writers and publishers in the world that have barely sold 100 copies of their books. I don’t plan on being one of the those writers or publishers. I plan to establish and maintain longevity in this industry. I plan to also broaden it. Those plans will be revealed to the public, just like The Goodie Bag was; when the time is right. I will offer a sneak peek of some of my ventures during my radio interview on Saturday, January 8, 2011 at 10 pm on Kelly’s Kitchen airing LIVE on 88.1 FM. You can watch the live stream at www.fm881whpr.com

So keep your eyes to the sky. The Goodie Bag is just the beginning. There are many more books and media ventures coming – sooner than you think.

We are the common denominator in all of our personal relationships. If your personal and intimate relationships are all negative and unhealthy, you have to look more closely at yourself to determine why you are attracting those types of people. You attract what you and who you are. The better person you strive to be individually, the better caliber of people you will attract in return. That’s the basic law of attraction. Unfortunately, we’ve been taught that opposites attract, so often we will give someone completely opposite of ourselves “a chance”. However, the Good Book tells us that we should be equally yoked to our mates. That means that the person we regard as partner in life and marriage should be someone that complements us and enhances us; not someone who is the opposite of us. It is true that a person may have some opposite personality traits, but that is not the same as being an opposite person. We take opposites attracted more literally as in one person has steady employment and the other can not hold a job for more than six months. That is not a health opposition between two people. That factor will always create financial difficulties in the relationship. Financial problems are the greatest reason for divorce. So why would you want that type of relationship to begin with?

Instead, we need to begin to look at people who are like-minded and like-hearted. You can not have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want the same type of relationship you want. If a person doesn’t believe in monogamy, marriage and commitment, there is nothing you can do to convince that person otherwise. That person’s mindset is based on their experiences. The only thing you can do is respect their mindset and move on. By staying in that situation you are only hindering yourself from becoming connected to someone else who shares your values and mindset.

For example, if a man tells a woman that he only wants to be “friends with benefits”, the woman then has the information to make an informed decision as to whether or not she wants to have the same type of relationship. If the woman agrees to that type of relationship, that particular man will likely not ever see her as anything more than a “friend with benefits”. The odds that he will become committed to her and marry her are very, very slim. That is the truth of the situation. However, some women will agree to a “friends with benefits” relationship with the expectation that the relationship may evolve into more if she can get him to change his mind. The chances are a lot greater that it will not. On the flip side, if the woman tells that man that she is not interested in being “friends with benefits” because she would prefer to cultivate a long term committed relationship, the woman can then freely move on to someone else who is more like-minded. The same is true of a man who wants committed relationship but the woman does not.

Many of my male friends have told me that men only do what women allow them to get away with. Women can not make men change their minds or hearts as long as we allow them to categorize us however they choose to instead of respecting our desires. You have to be willing, able and unafraid to walk away, anytime you know that the person you are dealing with doesn’t want what you want. It is often difficult, but the reward is the retention of your own dignity. It is more difficult to move forward if you are holding onto something that isn’t meant to be. Also, being willing and able to walk away will make a man have more respect for you in the long run, regardless of whether you ever have a relationship with him or not.

Remember: You are the only person who can facilitate change in your heart and your mind.

Like this:

Personal change begins within. Often we seek to change the minds and hearts of others without realizing that the heart and mindset of another person is based upon their personal experiences and what they have learned from their families and friends. Those experiences, whether good or bad, have shaped their perspective. Their personal perspective dictates their actions and reactions to situations and relationships. Any change that takes place in a person’s heart or mind therefore is the result of a personal choice made by that individual.

We all choose whether or not we want to have a successful relationship, or not. We choose whether or not we want to follow in the footsteps of those who had toxic relationships also. You are a product of your environment but you also have the power as an individual to overcome any circumstance that you may have encountered. If you come from a broken home, you do not have to create a broken home situation for your own children. If you had an absentee parent, you do not have to be absent from your children’s lives. If your parents divorced, you do not have to fear marriage, commitment or experience divorce in your own relationship. If your household was abusive, you do not have to be a victim or victimizer of abuse. You are not a slave to your past or that of your family. You are free. Free to make choices for yourself. You are free to be better than what you’ve seen, been taught or witnessed. You are free to make changes to improve your situation and provide a safer life for your children so that they will see a positive example that they can refer back to.

Statistically more than 70%of Black women in America are single, and approximately 40% of those women have never been married. However, more than 40% of Black men in America are also single and have never been married either. This means that just as many Black men as Black women have never been married. Why is that? Logically you could say that if the 40% of Black women and the 40% of Black men meet, they could get married. Maybe they just reside in different areas of the country so it’s a factor of distance more than anything else. Realistically it means that a large percentage Black men do not have the desire or goal to become married. This means that the 40% of single and never married Black women have to explore other options, such as crossing racial divides, in order to find a mate. And with there being an overabundance of single and desperate women willing to share a man for the sake of not feeling lonely, many men do not feel it necessary to commit to one woman when they can have a different woman everyday.

In my own dating experience I meet a lot of single Black men who “do not want a relationship”, don’t consider it a “priority” and do not want to be committed to just one woman. They are fearful of the possibilities of failure in their relationships because of their past experiences (marriages and divorces) and the situations in which they were raised (single parent homes without their fathers present), or they have so many women pursuing them that they feel they’d be “giving up” something (ego) in order to commit to just one woman. These men make a choice, regardless of it being conscious or subconscious. It’s sad, but true. It’s the reality of dating in the world we live in.

People are very cynical and negative about personal relationships. However, that negativity can be overcome through positive experiences and examples. In spite of some of the bad relationships I’ve had, I recall the ones that were healthy and positive. Those set an example and developed a standard for me as I move forward in life. The good relationships taught me that there is hope and the possibility of love. Those relationships reiterated to me that all men are not dogs, or trifling, or useless. Those relationships allowed me to value and respect my authentic self and understand what positive attributes I bring to a relationship. Those relationships also allowed me to improve myself as an individual and as a woman. I have made a choice that I will have a healthy and successful relationship. I have made a choice that I want to be married. I have made a choice that when the day comes, I will work to have the type of marriage I want and deserve. The only thing I’m missing is a like-minded and like-hearted man who also has the same desire, goals and resolve that I have.