Life is not measured by the number of breathes we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away...

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

1251 rupees every month for 65 years!!Join us!

Thesis presented in “Okalahoma School of advanced bluffery”

This is a extract from the thesis paper I presented in the school and was selected by reputed institutes like "Yell Eye Sea" as most indespicable accusation on the trade.After careful research and countless hours I finished my study on insurance agents.

How to identify the species?

They survive under hard and unwelcome conditions (even more dangerous than Amazon rain forests) and can withstand severe human expletives with ease and panache.They usually claim to be relatives of yours like your uncle’s father in law’s sister’s son was married to the agent’s brother’s grand aunt’s brother in law, quite simple permutations and combinations..Please look out for abnormally huge hand bags embossed with a picture of two palms as if trying to close in on your necks.Species gets instantly attracted to males and females of age group 20-28 ,high value gadgets like cars, bikes and laptops. They also have a dislike for humans older than 75 years of age.

Common technique of catching preys

Although they look calm and harmless most of the time ,they have a uncanny ability to spring up in family functions hide behind the kitchens or toilets and catch you off guard. Background information like your job..your age..your approx salary are already documented in their database. General conversations goes like this.

Agent(smelling fresh blood in the vicinity): “Wow..How tall have you grown up Boy!! When I saw you last time you were a chubby bubbly kid”Prey(unaware of the lurking danger): “Oh really..I knew I knew!! ..I was quite handsome since then”

Agent: ”Btw Son I think you have had everything in life..a nice job..a nice house..a nice wife.. And a nice insurance policy will make it perfect!! ”Prey(is already in point of no return):”Er..Ahem..well..hey..i think someone is calling me..oh…yeah..am comin..”

Some preys do have a easy escape like this. But most of the preys are mercilessly butchered with numbers and left bleeding with cut throat rates.

Suggested techniques of escaping the preys include hiding away or camouflaging amongst the older humans nearby. Generally older humans by then have developed a magnetic premonition of any agents nearby and hence easily gets repelled away.

The venom that is fatal--Policy talk

Blow up Policy

A policy tailor made for people working in safer places away from human inhabitation like Mines ,Oil rigs and tunnels. This one will ensure that if you are killed in a blast , your family is entitled for 25 lakh rupees..special incentive of 10 lakhs if your limbs are severed and face is beyond recognition!!wakooow.!!Just apply for the scheme..”The future is bombastic—A policy you will die for”That was lovely Mr Agent , I love the way you cheer me up !!

Get a disease and decease policy

Another attractive scheme that can give maximum returns are the one if you have neuro paralysis neck down or irreversible heart failure. But the best one is if you can manage multiple fracture of the backbone and kidney puncture.. This combination can ensure you get at least 15 lakhs.. This policy makes sense only if you manage to die after paying easy instalments of 25k per month for 10 years.To make this scheme attractive they have introduced a new offer:-

“Guess how fast you can go 6 feet under” policy..

With this scheme we have variable interest rates, the faster you die more the returns.

Car insurance

Car insurance is not attractive like old times. Your car should be destroyed beyond recognition and at least three passengers should be killed to get the money back from the company. Also note the policy has a clause that the dead person should send a requisition form within 3 days of his death otherwise which the policy will be revoked .

Note: Any destruction to the front panels of the car, doors. engines,brakes,chassis and body of car are not covered under the policy.

Travel Insurance

The hottest policy in town.Attractive tag lines encourage many people to enrol in this policy.

“Fly with us and crash land for the ultimate thrill”“Hijackers love ya babies..board my flight”

Best part of this scheme is the unrivalled publicity after your death. TV channels will flash the adventure ride you went through. .Presidents and other world leaders will offer condolences for you.. What more can you ask for!!

If you get lucky the airlines might even offer a free ticket back home ..well inside a coffin..

Theft insurance

The insurance carries a heavy premium. All gadgets at home are covered under the insurance.Humans are not covered under the scheme.

Clauses:-If your wife is stolen by your colleague it is not considered as a case of theft.If your kid runs away with the girl next door, It is considered as voluntary submission to theft and is not part of the scheme.If you lose your bike it is necessary to prove that the bike was not stolen by the above two scenarios.If you lose your laptop you will be subjected to intense police interrogation !! ;-P

The latest policy in town is “Shock and awe insurance”

Youngster suffering from numbness after watching cricket matches like one in which India losing to East Timor are covered under the scheme. The policy is unique with a reverse shock clause which states that the insured get double the amount in case India manages to beat Australia.

The Policy carries several clauses.!)Applicable only for select sports2)India winning kabbadi gold medal in Asian games is not considered a “shock and awe” event3)The combined experience of the Indian team should be 10 times more than the opponent which will ensure respectability to the contest.4)If the agency is not able to fully repay you in this scheme, the policy allows you to destruct and vandalise any place of your choice (amongst residences of the cricket players) and burn effigies of any 3 people responsible for mass discontent and grudge.

The latest policy we have introduced is “Stairway to Heaven” policy

This will insure that your death will be condoled by at least 10k people .Also part of the scheme is a requiem by Alexis Leon.(If any dead person return to life after this, the corporation is not responsible for it)Extra premium if you want a procession in the streets or a heart wrenching speech from the local MLA(forced closure of shops comes free!!!)

Enrolments opens shortly..!! Arrive at St Thomas Cemetery and grab a seat before its over!!

Are you insured?? The world is a scary place to live. The chai you drank just now might have been poisoned with thallium. There might be a murderer planning his next hit on you. The Comb you use for combing your hair might pierce your skull and injure your brain…It is really really scary…Get insured!

Something I was itching to write about for some time now... :) In fact now that you have digested and regurgitated the nitty gritty of the various policies, it does sound impressive, specially the Travel Insurance. Imagine the publicity! In fact I am spoilt for choice here and will be mulling over this post this weekend and by Monday I think I will have the answers to all my existential dilemmas. Now I know why we are sent to this Earth. So that we depart leaving our beneficiaries rich, all thanks to Yell I See! :p

i recently was faced with a similar situation of a-somebody-who-knew-a-somebody-who-barely-kinda-knew-some-not-so-near-relative-of-mine who ensured i got insured. AS i pored through small print in the reams of forms i needed to fill..i realised how atrocious the conditions were! Id only get back teh money if i lost both hands,both limbs,or both eyes...wat the.....!!

i kw this creed, i kw this creed!man, they are a scary bunch!! but i'm guessing they musta hounded you quite bad if you actually managed to understand wat those fabled policies mean :P :Dhilarious post

lol man...i just read this and your previous post now...two real funny reads...dont often get that in blogworld...opening up the insurance sector sure has created a new breed of solicitors!!!

and in the previous post...the line abt the dad's liking for safari suits...my dad has 20 shirts including safaris which are in various shades of cream color and he still shops around for more!!! and in college i used to look all over the place to find if he still had any of his 70's/80's shirts/elephant pants stashed away!

ahem,i just realised i commented twice on this post :-/guess i forgot that i commented, and then came back and commented agian.sigh!trouble with sneaking through blogs at work wen ur ed's looking the other way :Dbout the new avtaar, well, tot i'll go get me a makeover. didnt really have the patience to do it the conventional way, this was much easier and didnt cost me a thing ;)

LOL mathew, got around to reading this only today. good one. u have truly captured the 'essence ' of the whole insurance policy thingy. the agents are a scary lot and yes, they do have this habit on pouncing on their prey unawares. believe me, i've been a victim in exactly this way.