All the President's Con Men

All the President's Con Men

Raging Moderate by Will Durst

It's almost impossible to measure the corruption surrounding Donald Trump these days. It is huuuuuge covering the White House with a blanket of sleaze deep enough to bury the six-foot three-inch unindicted Oval Office co-conspirator to the point he's going to need a two-foot length of bamboo to continue breathing.

His legal problems are growing like mold on the northwest corner of a Hawaiian greenhouse wall. Proliferating like that plastic garbage patch in the Pacific. In the same state of flourishment as dandelions after a week of thunderstorms on a southern Illinois compost heap.

Paul Manafort was found guilty on five counts of tax fraud, two counts of bank fraud and one count of failure to disclose a foreign bank account. A single jury member was responsible for deadlocking the 10 other counts, and somehow all 12 let the defendant totally slide on his incredibly bad taste, incredibly ignoring a $15,000 ostrich-skin jacket and a haircut stolen from Gordon Gekko.

At almost the exact same moment, Michael Cohen pled guilty to eight felonies, implicating the president in two of them. He received a plea agreement and is rumored to be making plans to testify against the president. They're turning on Trump like preschoolers on a pinata with a rack full of Louisville Sluggers.

One of the normal procedures for urging cooperation from co-conspirators is to offer leniency to culpable family members. And considering the lies and misdirections and conflicted testimony already in play, even Tiffany and Barron are probably seeking outside representation. The family that commits crime together, serves time together.

And knowing the 45th POTUS's philosophy of one-way loyalty, the only accommodation he's likely to make is to dedicate an entire cell-block at a federal facility for members of staff and family. He'd probably try to brand it by calling it the Trump Wing. The next family get-together is bound to feature looks as auspicious as the last shots of the season finale of a telenovela.

These were not mere junior staffers who shared the ignominy of attaining convicted felon status on the same day, but Donald Trump's former campaign manager and personal lawyer. MAGA now stands for Many Are Growing Anxious or My Attorney Got Arrested or Mueller Ain't Going Away.

In response, our mob boss president railed against the prosecutorial strategy. "It's called flipping and it almost should be illegal" then called Cohen "a rat" while praising Manafort as still being "a good man." He predictably resorted to his trusty Rainman refrain, "No collusion. No collusion." He's starting to sound like a broken parrot, but bearing his teeth like a cornered wolverine.

Meanwhile, in San Diego, the second congressman to endorse Trump's campaign, Duncan Hunter, was indicted on 60 federal charges, following in the footsteps of the first congressman to endorse Trump, Christopher Collins, also indicted by the feds. Don't know who the third congressman to endorse Trump was, but chances are high he's looking over his shoulder about once every six seconds.

All this proves is not only was Trump unable to pick the best people, he couldn't even pick the best crooks. He keeps choosing crummy criminals. We can expect Bob Woodward's book on this one to be titled "All the President's Con Men."

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, "Durst Case Scenario," please visit willdurst.com.