I could be the poster child for the merits of abstinence before marriage: I am a member of the US evangelical Christian community and remained a virgin until my wedding.

I've been happily married to the same man for almost 15 years. We've seen a lot in our marriage: conceived four children, cared for two with severe medical conditions, buried one of them, started and quit jobs, moved houses, changed churches, grieved, and battled depression. We have hurt, misunderstood, under-estimated, and annoyed each other. We're still learning to become good lovers.

On more than a few days, we have barely held it together. So what's our secret? It's that we love each other no matter what.

To give my dearth of sexual partners credit for our marriage's success is a ludicrous oversimplification. Unfortunately, this kind of thinking characterizes a significant portion of the US evangelical church's approach to sex and marriage today.

Do not misread me. I am not saying that the church is wrong to teach that marriage and sex are sacred and to be approached with reverence. One of the character qualities that the church encourages Jesus followers to develop is self control, and many believe that saving sex for marriage is an important part of developing self-control. In addition, Christianity teaches that something spiritual happens (or may happen) during sex. Consider this passage from 1 Corinthians 6:15-22:

"Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, 'The two will become one flesh.' But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body."

I don't understand exactly what Paul is saying here, but I know he is approaching sex as something intense, personal, even mystical. It is sacred.

What I am saying is that the way many in today's church talk about sex, men and women, modesty, and marriage does a tremendous disservice to men, women, marriage, and sex.

The stories coming out of the so-called evangelical "purity culture" demonstrate a deep-seated distrust of human sexuality, and especially of female sexuality. As Elizabeth Esther wrote in her post Virginity: New and Improved!, making virginity the goal "implied that a woman's inherent worth and dignity could be measured by whether or not a man has touched her". Meanwhile, Preston Yancey pointed out how the evangelical church often casts men as predators: "I was but 13, a near decade to today, the first time I was told that by nature I was a rapist."

Many in the church today have mistaken virginity for the goal, forgetting that the goal really is becoming a mature healthy individual with mature healthy relationships. It isn't working: most young people have sex before they are married.

These stories reveal how the over-emphasis on virginity heaps shame on those who fail (for any reason, whether a person consented or not) and conceals the reality that those who succeed are not likely today to fall in love with someone who is also a virgin. The "purity culture" promises phenomenal sex for those who wait until marriage. By so thoroughly squelching the sex drive up until marriage, many virgins find it incredibly difficult to "turn it back on" once the ban on sex has been lifted.

The truth is that abstinence no more guarantees a healthy marriage or rocking sex life than baking with organic eggs guarantees a gourmet cake. We need all of the ingredients to achieve human wholeness.

A person is more than their sexual experience or lack thereof. Christians find our identity as adopted children of God, not in our virginity. We believe that God works in and with us to make us mature and whole: to learn ourselves, identify our strengths and weaknesses, and develop the strength of character to maximize our strengths and minimize our weaknesses. Most important, Christians believe that God loves us and can even bring good out of our mistakes and pain.

To evangelical church leaders, please: preach on the sacredness of marriage and sex. But don't oversimplify, and don't exaggerate. Teach us how to become healthy individuals and build healthy relationships. Tell us why we need to learn self-control and how abstinence might help. Above all, remind us that God loves us no matter what.