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Friday, October 7, 2016

When The Person You Love Doesn't Love You

Another copy-paste article. This one is from https://www.psychologytoday.com (link). It's quite a long article. So I make it the "continue reading" option if you really want to read it :)

I always think that psychology is one thing I want to study in university. Up until now, I can't make it. So I think it will be better if I follow @PsychToday twitter account (link) to read about psychology more often.

It turns out some articles are sound soo cheesy, but they are written in a good and motivational way, so it makes me want to read it more and more. This one is no exception. Especially for you who arrive in this blog post by google search :)

I have shared in previous post that my friend have fed up with my stories. But reading thing article and comment section in the original web (link) makes me realize that I am not alone in this kind of problem. A lot of people experienced the same. But they don't talk about it loudly in public. The choose a safe place by using anonymous account. Still we can learn from their story.

Last but not least, let's be better together, by sharing and empowering each other. Don't let anyone belittled you. Because you are important, even without them.

Be strong :)

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When The Person You Love Doesn't Love You

It Doesn't Matter! It Doesn't Matter! It Doesn't Matter!

It's hard but it happens.

And it hurts.

You love someone who may have loved you once upon a time.

Or

You love someone who acted like there was a possibility of love in return, but now there's not.

Or

You love someone who simply doesn't feel the same way and isn't going to feel the same way.

Ever.

Or

You loved someone deeply who loved you deeply and then this person
just switched off and hurt you in ways that were unimaginable at the
height of your mutual love.

Or

This person loved you and you loved them but then someone new came
along and they left. Friends tell you that you are better than this new
person in every way. But your ex is still with Mr. or Ms. New Thing.

Whatever the situation, you're left with excruciating pain.

As you walk through your days, zombie-like, all you can do is review
the exchanges over and over in your mind. Where did it go wrong or fail
to go right? What should I have done that I didn't? What did I do that I shouldn't have? The perseveration drives you crazy. You’re not eating,
you’re not sleeping.
You’re a weepy mess. You feel rejected and less than. You feel as if
there is something really wrong with you. You wonder what you could do
to MAKE this person want you.

If your love is with a new person who doesn't come close to being
what you are, you cannot understand it. Your ex is blind to the flaws
and foibles of the new love. In fact, your ex is enthralled by someone
who doesn't seem to come close to being what you are. You're convinced
they traded down. Whenever you think about them together, your mind
shuts off or you crumble completely. You feel as if you are going crazy.

When there is nothing or no one else, it is even harder to fathom.
Your mate just fell out of love one day or failed to fall in love on the
day you did. They have stumbled and stuttered through explanations but
nothing is going to make you feel better except for, “I love you and
want to come back.”

Even more baffling is possibility that the person just wants to be
left alone. There isn't someone else; there's no real reason. Your lover
simply said, “I just want out.” Your mind reels with astonishment,
“Wait. You're choosing NOTHING over me? What?”

Perhaps you promised each other if this ever happened, you will seek
counseling but now that idea is refused. Perhaps, once upon a time, your
love said it was impossible to “just” fall out of love with someone but
now that has happened. What happened to those promises of solidarity?
What happened to the disbelief that someone could do what is now being
done? What happened to the person who seemed so crazy about you? Where
did your secure feelings of mutual love go? Who would willingly choose
this nightmare? What planet have you stumbled onto? Where is life as
you know it?

Perhaps your ex has spiraled into some other unexpected mindset. They've taken up excessive partying or drugs and alcohol or
gambling. Perhaps they’re depressed or upset or self-absorbed in some
way. They have cheated or abused you or acted terribly and now, instead
wanting forgiveness, they want out. The bad actor is now stomping on your forgiving heart. How can that be?

Sometimes someone experiences a major life event and has trouble
bouncing back from it. It can be an accident, a death in the family or
the loss of a job. No matter what, it’s clear that something terrible
has happened. You offer to help; you beg to help. You ask, “Don't you
want someone to help carry the burden?” It’s clear that they do not.

In almost all these rejection scenarios, the first reaction is disbelief. I
refuse to believe this! This can’t be! You come up with a million
reasons for this behavior, none of which have to do with how they feel
about you. It’s a mid-life crisis(no matter the age), it’s a flirtation
from work that will end soon. It’s a misstep on the way to a happy life
with me. It will all be over soon. I just need to wait it out. I’ve
heard stories of this sort of thing and everything works out in the end.
There are movies where it works out, and books where it works out.
Certainly it can work out in real life. Can’t it?

All you can think about is how you are meant to be and how you have
both been happy either as lovers or friends. It could have been
yesterday or last week, last year or ten years ago. Still, your mind
takes you back there every minute of every day when you both were happy.

The first throes of rejection are really difficult to get through. You’re angry, you’re hurt, your personality is draining away along with your sense of humor.
You are boring all your friends and family with sad stories of
unrequited love. You trudge instead of walk; you sob instead of cry, you
bellow instead of talk. You have deep, dark circles under your eyes.
Time is slipping away. Your life is rushing by. You are sure you’ll
never be happy again or find someone else to love.

You go back and forth between trying to accept it and denying that it’s true. You float in the in-between world of denial. Something
will change. This is a phase. This is temporary. I'll just sit here and
wait for my love to smarten up and see the light. That is what I will
do.

Another part of you feels the need to do something.
You’re not sure what, but you know you can’t just sit there. Your mind
refuses to shut off, and the many options play out in your head.

I will change things. I will call or text. We will get into a big
emotional conversation and I will be very persuasive as to how this is
all wrong. We belong together! No, no. . . . I will go out and take a
bunch of selfies of me doing fun things and post on social media. “Look!
It's me having a great time without you! Don't you miss the FUN me?”
That will win them back! Wait! I'll hint that there is someone else.
I'll make up a Facebook
person and have that person make flirty comments on my page! No, hold
on. I may be losing my mind because….texting is better. I'll
“accidentally” text my ex and make it seem like I was texting a new love
interest. . . . then I'll apologize. . . yeah, that's it. Wait. . . no.
. . yes. . . ! You strive to think of something—crazy, sane and
in-between—that will cause a massive reboot of your ex's mind and put
the relationship back together.

Before you do anything at all, please take a step back. Breathe and take a seat. You don't want to have to babysit someone's brain.
If they can't figure it out on their own, coming up with the most
clever phrases and persuasive arguments isn't going to help. You might
pin them down for a while, but who wants to chance that they are going
to drift back to a breakup mindset? When you're wrapped up in espionage
mode or creative ways to convince your ex of something they don't really
want to be convinced of, you forget that “winning” the battle for the
ex’s common sense is a temporary state. You shouldn't have to babysit
the neurons inside someone's head lest they get caught up in wacky world
of breaking up with you. No. Let them go and let all the grandstanding
scenarios disappear from your life. You don't need someone who isn’t
smart enough to see how valuable you are. Let it go.

Yes, that’s right. It’s time to let it go completely and do something new. It’s time to think about it differently. It’s time to renew, reverse and reject the rejecter.

It's hard to let it go. Hard but do-able. It’s hard to do nothing,
but that is the best thing to be doing. Save your dignity and your
sanity and do nothing. First, it’s important to believe the breakup has
happened. It’s happened. You’ve been rejected. Accept it for what it is.
Let it slowly sink in and try to do the hardest thing there is to do:
Nothing. Doing nothing in a situation like this takes energy. It takes a
lot of energy. You will think you spend all your time NOT doing something, because that is exactly what you’re doing.

Many times we try to change the situation to stave off the feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal and rejection. When we let go the idea of changing things, the feelings start to surface.

In addition to the normal feelings of grief, rejection brings with it negative self-talk and lowered self-esteem
and self-respect. You might feel like a loser and start to drift back
to the idea of doing something. This time, instead of trying to do
something to them, you’ll do something to you. Your mind races with
ideas:

I'll be quieter, thinner, happier. I won't complain so much. I
won't rock the boat. I'll like the insufferable family and friends that I
couldn't stand. I'll go back to school. I'll stop going to school. I'll
wear different clothes. I'll buy a new car. I'll get those allergy
shots so I can be around that cat. I'll work in a different industry.
I'll muzzle my kids. I'll clean more. I'll clean less. I'll cook gourmet
meals. I'll listen when spoken to. I'll go to bed earlier. I'll go to
bed later. I'll go to church. I'll stop going to church. I'll pray. I'll
bargain with God. Dear Higher Power: If you put my relationship back
together, I'll help the poor. I'll devote myself to the eradication of
world hunger.
I'll give my next paycheck to the church. I'll join the Peace Corps.
I'll do anything, ANYTHING, if only You make this person come back. I'll
be everything You want me to be or everything this person wants me to
be. I'll do it all. I'll do nothing. I'll be more. I'll be less. I'll be
everything and anything other than what I'm being right now. I'll turn
myself inside out to be the person he or she will love. I can do it. I
will do it. I'll work with sick children, I'll go to church, I'll help the homeless...I'll....

STOP!!!!

Stop right there. Purge yourself of all thoughts like this. Stop
making promises to a Supreme Being to become a saint if only you win
your love back. It’s time to go back to acceptance and doing nothing.
Right now, it’s time to reject the rejecter.

Forget about changing for someone else. Forget about bargaining for
what you should have without bribing a Higher Power. Forget about
changing your whole life just so someone who doesn't appreciate you and
your worth will love you. Forget it!

The first thing you need to do is to take it in stride. Taking it in
stride means telling yourself that you are okay no matter what. Yes,
there might be things that need improvement but it is a lovable,
worthwhile person who is willing to look at those things and change
them. And if this person does not value all that you are and all that
you can be there is only one sentiment that makes sense: reject the
rejecter.

It is time to reject the rejecter and the notion that you are
expendable. Their rejection has led you to believe you’re not
worthwhile. That is not true and whatever your ex belie es or fails to
see is not your problem.

You want someone who believes you are the be-all, end-all, not
someone who finds you optional. You don’t want someone who doesn’t
appreciate how great you are. You want someone with vision who will
appreciate all that you are and all that you can be. You want someone
who will love you and think you are the best thing ever. You don’t want
to waste time with anyone who doesn’t see how great you are or has to be
convinced of it.

Perhaps your ex does know how awesome you are but is not in a place
to be in the relationship. It’s not about you, but about the inability
to handle stressors. That isn’t a reason to give them a break. This is
someone who hurt you for whatever reason and can’t deal with life and
their life partner at the same time.

A wonderful, fully functioning partner can love you no matter what
happens. That is the person you want to be with. Let your ex be. It’s
not the right time for the two of you, and there is nothing you can do
about it. It's hard and it hurts, but gently let it go.

Until that love comes from a romantic partner who values you and sees
how wonderful you are, get that love from family, friends and yourself.
You MUST be good to yourself as you move on from someone who does not
value you enough to want an exclusive, romantic relationship with you. Get on with your life and become the person you always wanted to be.

Every relationship is a learning experience. We learn what parts of
us could use improvement. But not because this person found them
unattractive or irritating but because you find them unattractive or
irritating.

It’s time to work on you and to look at how you arrived at this point. It’s time to take away the “wonderful” memories
of your ex from long ago and replace them with what is happening now,
which is rejection. It’s time to put the focus on you and learn from
past mistakes, including this one. It’s hard to think of this
relationship as a mistake, but you will.

Think about the answers to these questions. What did you do in this
relationship or around this person (if you weren't in a relationship)
that could improve? What patterns do you have in relationships? Has this
happened before? When has it happened? How has it happened?

When you are leaving a relationship where someone doesn't love you
anymore or failing to move further in a relationship because someone
won't or can't love you or not getting into a relationship because
someone isn't attracted to you, there is a HIT to the self-esteem. It's a
rejection that stings. It’s time to let go of damaging self-assessment
and get on with positive self-assessment. This exercise is not to beat
you up but to help you see where your relationships are going wrong and
to do something about the one thing you can do something about: you.

We all want someone to share life's sorrows and joys day in and day
out. If this person can't do it, we need someone who will. Perhaps your
ex has a fear of commitment or this simply isn’t the right one. Perhaps there is something more troubling such as narcissism or a personality disorder.
It helps to see what may be keeping them stuck and to accept that it’s
not changing any time soon. Too often people hold out hope that the
person will change, see the error of their ways, go to counseling and
come back to the relationship. That’s a fantasy that usually doesn’t
happen. It’s time to let that one go. A person who walks out or puts you
on hold or wants you in “just friends” status is not that person.
Anyone who has rejected you in any way, for any reason, is not for you..

Stop re-injuring yourself with questions about what is wrong with you
that they don’t want you. It’s time to work on you, but not for them,
for you and the possibility of real love down the line. Stop focusing on
what was and think about what is and what will be. Reject this rejecter
and every rejecter that came before. Do your affirmations. Know that
you are worth it.

Even if you love this person, this person does not love you. . . . and the person for you will love you. Deeply and Completely.

It exists.

It happens.

It is possible.

In the meantime you must take time out to explore your issues, be
good to you, know your value, understand your value and get your value
from inside you and not outside.

Be good to you.

Move on from rejection. Feel your feelings. Reject the rejecter.

Celebrate the you that is you.

And know that the right person for you is out there.

Reject the Rejecter and embrace all that is you. . . the good is waiting for you. Believe it.