The President of the
United States: Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice
President, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans:

I come before you tonight to tell you that the State of our
Union is getting stronger. Now maybe
it's not the pink picture of health we would all like it to be, but the cancer
on the economy is now less malignant than it was when I inherited it three long
years ago. More
about that in just a moment.

IRAQ--A PROMISE
FULFILLED

But first, in case you didn't get the memo, we have pulled
out of Iraq quicker than a college kid after he discovers that his girlfriend
is under 18. I'm not criticizing our troops or their valiant efforts in Iraq (even
though we never did find those vaunted "weapons of mass destruction" that my
predecessor was obsessed with when he first invaded unilaterally). No, I would never do that with a Republican
majority in the House, especially since I read the tea leaves after the Fall
2010 election. No sirree, Iraq was a
noble cause, just like our mutual hero Ronald Reagan once said about
Vietnam. I mean, c'mon, don't you all
feel a whole lot safer now that Saddam Hussein is no longer keeping a lid on
the Kurds, Sunnis, and Shiites? I know I
am.

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But hey! Iraq is now
an ancient memory, just another campaign promise now fulfilled, even if some of
you wanted out a long time ago. Just
like those 800-thousand Christians who left the fertile crescent in a massive
diaspora after we bombed the bejesus out of Baghdad on March 19, 2003. And all those American soldiers in Iraq? Gone,
baby, gone. Of course, we still have our
diplomats over there, not to mention the PMCs, the Private Military
Contractors, and all those good folks serving Big Macs in those permanent bases
in the Green Zone and at Abu Ghraib.
They're not fighting, though--just helping out Nouri al-Maliki to keep
the peace and keep that black gold flowing to gas tanks back home in the good
ol' U. S. of A.

AFGHANISTAN--A PROMISE
DEFERRED

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Which begs the question:
When are we going to pull out of Afghanistan? Good question. Oh, we're gonna do it alright, but after the
election, right? First things first. And the same thing goes for Iran. We need the Jewish vote, y'all, so I'm gonna
keep on talking smack about Ahmadinejad at least until Thanksgiving.

OSAMA BIN LADEN STILL
DEAD--YOU'RE WELCOME

And you know what? You
remember Osama Bin Laden? We killed
him. That's right. Double-tapped him with a couple of full metal
jackets through the forehead and his twisted black heart. He porked out a bit towards the end, watching
himself on the tube, eating way too much Pakistani Pizza Hut for a
diabetic. Oh, I know some of you say OBL
hasn't really been a threat since he shuffled off this mortal coil way back in
December 2001. Even President Bush said
he didn't really give him much thought, didn't worry about him too much, not
terribly concerned on the golf course.

But the official Navy Seal death portrait was taken on my
watch. Actually, you didn't get to see
that photo op because we had to clean him up and dunk him in uncharted waters
within a few hours after we offed him so's there wouldn't be a memorial to
him"or any pictures that might inflame Islamic passions or provide grist for
conspiracy theorists on both the left and right. We got him, OK? Trust me on this one--you have my word. No need for corroborating evidence.

So where were we? Oh
yeah, State of the Union. Lessee,
getting stronger, on the mend, nothing to worry about, taking its Flintstones
vitamins, drinking its Ovaltine, about to give up smoking those inflatable
mortgages.

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AN ECONOMY BUILT TO
LAST

Yeah, now I remember.
America is an economy that's "Built
To Last (TM)" ," just like that last
album by the Grateful Dead right before Jerry kicked. America--where hard work
pays off and selfish profiteering is rewarded with tax cuts and offshore
shelters.