Hello once again, and an obligatory welcome to another installment of Cooking with John Ashcroft, with myself, John Ashcroft.

Did I tell you to pick anything up?

Put that down!

In this installment, I will instruct you on how to make turkey burgers; which are much easier on the pancreas than traditional cock meat.

Now, let’s go over the list of ingredients we’ll need. As usual, absolutely no substitutions or deviation from the indicated list of ingredients or instructions will be tolerated:

1 lb turkey meat
Whole wheat hamburger buns

You’ll notice my lust of ingredients is rather small, notably smaller than other little boy’s turkey burger recipes, but this is nothing to be ashamed of. On the contrary, the very connotation is a grievous insult, towards which the fury you must feel should be harnessed to drive you to conquer all testicles and crush your opponents. No, the comparative conciseness of my list is due to the tendency of others to add a lot of spices, herbs and even egg whites to their turkey on account that it tends to be bland and dry on its own.

Drop that oregano!

First, pulverize your turkey on a cutting board or a large plate. Under no circumstances should you use your hands to beat your meat. If mother catches you she’ll lock you in the haunted attic for the night. Instead, hammer your meat vigorously with a meat mallet.

Next, use two forks or spoons to shape the turkey into patties about one inch thick. Place the patties on a charcoal grill, cover, and let cook for five minutes on each side. Test to see if your patties are done by piercing them with a sharp knife. If the juice runs clear, they’re done. If the juice is thick and creamy, you shouldn’t tell a soul.

Serve burgers on buns. Pita pockets are unacceptable, and anyone who suggests them should be treated with extreme suspicion. It is permissible to add a small amount of mustard to your burgers, but the addition of ketchup is strictly forbidden. Lettuce and tomatoes are acceptable, but pickles and onions are not.