Try to observe some ‘don’ts’ for the game

Sunday

Feb 3, 2013 at 6:00 AMFeb 3, 2013 at 7:10 AM

Dianne Williamson

As an expert pro football analyst, having more than once advanced the idea that goal posts should move rapidly back and forth during field goal attempts, I can’t wait for tonight’s Super Bowl game between the San Francisco 49ers and whatever professional elite football team they’re playing against.

But Super Bowl Sunday is more than a game. It’s become an American ritual, an unofficial holiday, easily the height of the social season for straight men and gay women across the nation. It’s an excuse to eat a pile of nacho dip the size of Vince Wilfork. It’s a reason to wear numbered football jerseys, although I, personally, would never be caught dead in one because they’re silly. And you’re actually supposed to watch the commercials.

But for all the things you’re entitled to do, there are a few important don’ts. So as a public service, I offer the following tips to help you make the most of tonight’s festivities.

Don’t feel bad for Tom Brady. I succumbed to this emotion when the Patriots lost to the Ravens, because their win was supposed to be a surer thing than any of the drunken characters on HBO’s “Girls.” This feeling dissipated when I picked up People magazine and saw the new $20 million Los Angeles home soon to be inhabited by Tom and Gisele Bundchen, his human stick-figure spouse. Of course, the Bradys could donate a week’s salary and bail out Greece, so you’d hardly expect them to hunker down in a trailer park. But this 22,000-square-foot mega-mansion outshines Cinderella’s Castle in the Magic Kingdom. It also includes a moat, which either means that Tom is becoming a pretentious dandy, or he’s been watching too many episodes of “Game of Thrones.” Regardless, anyone who blows dough in 2013 on an edifice intended to ward off Saxon invaders is not a man to be pitied.

Don’t be offended by the Volkswagen ad: No Super Bowl would be complete without a controversial commercial, and this year it’s a funny Volkswagen ad that shows a white office worker from the Midwest speaking in the Caribbean island’s lilting “don’t worry, be happy” accent. The commercial is a hoot, but critics who are paid to find offense consider it culturally insensitive. These critics need to chill, perhaps with a trip to Jamaica, which boasts of its population’s easy-going ebullience and actively uses it to attract tourists. The island’s government has endorsed the commercial. Most importantly, my colleague Clive McFarlane is from Jamaica, and he likes it.

Don’t Switch to Downton Abbey: Granted, it would be great fun as a party host to suddenly change channels deep into the fourth quarter during a close game and then disappear with the remote. But what’s the point? Americans may be entranced by this endearing family of highborn English snoots, but the show is going downhill. First it killed off Lady Sybil, easily the most likable and interesting of the Crawley sisters. Now we learn that their father, the noble Lord Grantham, is essentially a fop. Not only did he lose the fortune of his rich American wife who talks funny, but he mismanaged the Downton estate and got poor Sybil killed by trusting the wrong doctor. And don’t even get me started on the simpering Lady Edith, who’s the whiny English equivalent of Jan Brady (Marcia Marcia Marcia!!). The only character worth watching is Lady Mary, and that’s only because she could out-snoot the queen.

Don’t be surprised when a homophobic cornerback mouths off about gays and then realizes the next day, with the help of the NFL’s public relations staff, that he actually loves the gays and even has gay relatives that he speaks with, although not every day or anything because they’re busy. And don’t be surprised when this breathtakingly inarticulate football player suddenly becomes succinct and eloquent in his personal written apology.

Don’t go near the spinach squares. If you happen to be at the same party as me tonight, you’ll notice that I baked some delicious spinach squares that look really healthy because they contain spinach. But don’t be deceived. They’re also filled with 10 pounds of artery-clogging butter and cheese, which is why they’re yummy.

Don’t call in sick tomorrow. Regardless of whatever ridiculous excuse you manage to manufacture, no one will believe it. So unless you want your colleagues to know you’re a wuss who can’t hold your liquor, buck up.

Don’t buy a $100 square. If you do, you’ll end up getting a 0, which is a great number, but also a 5, which is horrid. So your odds of winning the pool are practically nil, and you’ve just blown some hard-earned money you could have spent on a cool new pair of boots from Sak’s at the Wrentham Outlets, which is having a sale.