Monday, May 16, 2011

Welcome to my shit show.

BAM! And just like that, I'm back.

Now I'm sure you're wondering to yourselves, is this going to be one of those times when she says she's back and is going to start blogging regularly again and actually does, or is this one of those times when she says she's back and blogs once or twice and then stops again. I am also wondering that.

Or maybe you're wondering if all I'm going to do for the rest of my life is post posts about me starting to blog again every few months, so this blog starts to not be entertaining or informative at all but really just a string of posts about posting.

Or maybe you're wondering at what point did this blog become entertaining or informative.

Regardless, this blog can't actually be a string of posts about posting because I deleted all the other ones so there, suckers. Plus I deleted a crap load of other posts. Yes, that's right, I spent my weekend reading 4 years worth of my own blog and deleting posts because that is the kind of rock star life I'm living right now.

Why did I delete a great amount of posts you may wonder? Because I've decided to come out of the proverbial blog closet, if you will, and share my blog with people and it would really benefit my life to not have the majority of people I know think I'm fucking crazy and also sometimes extremely offensive. Except I just said I was. But most people don't know to what extent the crazy actually goes and I'm mostly, in real life, only offensive in my head so, really, I win that round.

Also, a lot of my posts really sucked. Especially the more recent ones. So it's basically like 2011 and most of 2010 didn't exist. Please play along.

And why am I going to share my blog now after 4 years of not really doing so? Because I want to start writing again and hope this is a way to practice and get feedback. Because, really, what says serious writer like extensive self-censorship right? Exactly. Also, by "feedback" I mean only positive comments. I'm pretty fragile so any negativity could pretty much send me spiraling into a giant void of depression, the likes of which I may never crawl out of, and you wouldn't want someone's ultimate downfall to be on your hands would you? I didn't think so.

In other news, I finally, after living for 35 years in a sleep deprived coma, went to a sleep clinic and stayed overnight to do one of those tests where they stick sensors all over your face and put tubes up your nose and measure things like brain waves and breathing and tears of frustration because how the fuck they expect you to sleep with all that shit stuck to you and wires all over the place and bands strapped around your chest that "should loosen" but really don't, I'll never know.

Needless to say I had to take a sleeping pill. And then another one at 1pm when I still couldn't sleep and she was like, "Really?" and I'm like, "Yes. Really. I feel like a robot".

So then I got nice and drugged up just in time for her to wake me up at 5am so I could drive home.

And you would think that taking sleeping pills before you participate in a test that measures how you naturally sleep would be a bit counterproductive. But you would be wrong I guess because apparently it doesn't.

I'm going for a follow up appointment with my doctor in June and I'm also going to bring up a problem I'm having with joint pain in my foot but, before I go, I think I'm just going to take a handful of codeine and then when she asks where it hurts I'm going to say it doesn't because I took a giant amount of pain killers and then I'll be like, "Solved it!" and then when she looks at me weird like I just completely wasted her time I'll be all, "Isn't this how you guys do things around here?" And then I'll have to go find a new doctor. Again.