In our RINGS class we describe the "Journey to Disconnectedness" (by Tim and Linda Buttrey) where couples drift along a path of chronic busy-ness, fatigue and irritability until they find themselves totally disconnected and seeking fulfillment in addictions or other relationships.

With 36 years of marriage behind us and 20+ years of working with couples - we can confidently conclude that ALL couples experience seasons of high stress and busyness. There are times when there seems to be no end to work and family demands and life may feel like it's spiraling out of control.

We have seen young, committed couples move from "We will be together ALWAYS - no matter what" to "I don't recognize this person I'm living with anymore". We've been there ourselves.

A common theme running through the lives of these struggling couples are lives that are crazy busy with time demands that far exceed the ability of any human being to effectively manage. Our "Serotonin Tanks" are constantly running on empty and our ability to regulate emotions and effectively problem solve are greatly compromised - two skills critical to develop and sustain healthy relationships.

Our message to ourselves and other couples is to "H.A.L.T." Pay attention to the 12 serotonin depleters and 12 serotonin replenishers. Take time to de-stress and de-compress. (See previous blogs). Create a peaceful oasis in your busy day to connect with your spouse. Make time with your spouse a priority - just 10-15 minutes a day of quality intentional connecting (think RINGS chat) can reap huge relationship dividends. If you have NO IDEA what we're talking about - sign up for a RINGS class and we'll tell you.

Many of you are familiar with the Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman) and the importance of filling each other's "love tank". I propose that we also have a "serotonin tank" - there are things that add to our serotonin levels and things that take away. Monitoring these levels may enhance our ability to get along with others and reduce our desire to harm the other person.

H.A.L.T. - Most people familiar with 12-step recovery programs understand this acronym well. It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. H.A.L.T. is a reminder that the presence of any one of these 4 factors can derail the best of intentions and significantly reduce if not eliminate all self-control.

Lavern and I have also used H.A.L.T. in our own relationship and in mentoring other couples as a reminder to NOT try to resolve conflict when any of these factors are present - it typically does not end well.

Have you ever wondered why? Recently, I resolved to lose a few pounds through diet and exercise. By day 4, I was HUNGRY, ANGRY and TIRED and I was at risk of becoming LONELY by alienating those around me. Desperate to find a way to more effectively deal with those symptoms, I googled terms like: "diet and urge to destroy" and "losing weight without losing your friends". I discovered that the struggle was real and I was not alone. Certain research focused on the food a person eats or doesn't eat. Other research implied that simply the act of "exercising self-control" can cause irritability. Several articles referred to "serotonin" and "serotonin depletion" as a factor.

Let me explain (in basic English) what serotonin is and how I believe it could explain the brain science behind " H.A.L.T. " and be an important consideration in our relationships. Serotonin is thought to affect a variety of physiological and psychological functions in the human body and is best known for its impact on mood and its role in clinical depression. That's NOT the angle that most intrigues me. I was interested in research that looked at the role of serotonin in relationship health.

One study suggested a link between serotonin depletion and impacted moral judgment and an increase in the desire to harm others. Other research has linked serotonin to the exercise of self-control and to the regulation of inappropriate behaviors. Another study suggests that serotonin "plays a critical role in regulating emotion during social decision-making."