Would you move away from your spouse for a job/program?

Seems like my husband is chomping at the bit to go do a program two hours away. It would be two years, plus a possible two more for the bachelor’s. I’m trying to be understanding, but right now I am failing because I could have gone away for J-school or work, but I chose not to. I chose to be here with him, marry him, and be a family. I just don’t understand why he is even considering moving away. Any insight, advice, etc…?

@sherryberry: I live in LA and a two hour commute is fairly common, so I don’t see this as a huge problem personally. I would look into communities about halfway between his school and your work so you each have a not-that-bad commute.

Is the program he’s looking into not available in your area? Do you think it’s a good program? Have you shared these feelings with your DH?

DH and I had to live separately for 6 months because I took a job 3 hours away. He was able to move up here and find a job he loved. We’re both happy that we made this decision. It was one we made together though – I wouldn’t have taken the job if DH wasn’t on board.

You could rent out your house, my BIL did that when his wife moved for work.

As the other Bees say 2 Hours as a commute depends a lot on WHERE you reside and what you are used to… in and around many major cities 2 Hours one way is a pretty normal thing actually.

Now if you are asking about being Married, and living apart, working in two different cities… “Commuter Couples” are definitely a thing… and many couples do this by choice… others because of changes in their Careers.

When I was married BOTH myself and my Ex had some experience with this due to our jobs. I spent close to a year working in a different city early in my career … and he spent close to a year working in a different Province / State later on in our Marriage.

It was not easy… being apart is hard on a marriage… the longer apart… the harder it is. More so if there are kids involved.

BUT both of these assignments were good for our respective careers. And were milestones that made big changes for us in the longrun… as far as experience, increased income, etc. So the right thing to do at the time.

I think you guys need to have a heart-to-heart, as clearly YOU aren’t comfortable with this entirely and on the same page as he is.

IMO, Work or School would be very valid reasons… and 2 Hours is a minor inconvenience.

BUT then again, this is YOUR Marriage, so you need to speak up / figure it out with him.

Definitely not. No matter how much more money he’d be making we would go together Or he wouldn’t be going. The only thing close to this would be if he left before us to get things in order (place to live). Otherwise no. Neither of us would want to live apart.

A few months ago FH moved overseas for work, while I have to stay here for work. It’s hard, but we make do. Hopefully it will only be for two years. The decision to live in different countries will mean that 5 years from now we should be in a significantly better place both financially and in terms of employability than we would be if I had moved with him or if he had stayed here, so we’re looking at it simply as a means to an end.

I’m not on board with the program. It seems like it would just be more of the same situation in the end… if he were to take a good, solid program that would lead to a dependable career, I’d be much happier. In this economy, I don’t see robotics/electronics getting him far.

Even if one of us wanted to I don’t think we would be able to. Two years is a long time, and so many things can happen and distance you guys. To me, regardless of the money he will make, I just want to be with him at the end of the day. So it would probably be we both go, or we both stay. No ‘going away for two years’, I’d rather have you rip my heart out of my chest and walk all over it. Long distance sucks.

sherryberry: my husband works in a different city and will probably continue to do so for three more years. This allows him to reach a really high engineering level. I wish he was home every night and able to do more things during the week, but this is what’s best for our family now. We don’t have kids though which makes a huge difference! How often would he come home? My DH is home thursday night through Monday morning and sometimes comes home on Mondays. That is a huge help. I wouldn’t be able to do a long distance marriage.

Sounds like this is a deeper issue that you two need to tackle more than just moving/commuting for a program. You said yourself you made the sacrifice of not going away for him, so you’re upset that he’s considering to do that himself. Even if it would be workable, I don’t think you’d find a way to be happy with that attitude. I think you guys need to work that out before tackling this otherwise it will become a bigger issue than it needs to be.

I was considering going away for a year for an internship when FI and I were engaged. He wanted me to stay because he wanted to be physically near me, but supported me no matter what I chose, no strings attached. That gave me freedom to choose what I wanted to do. I ended up choosing to stay, but if he had “made” me or threw a fit about it, I certainly would blame him for staying and I’m sure it would have had a negative impact on our relationship.

I’m not saying that should offer it up as an option and expect him not to take it. But I think you should be supportive and give him freedom to make his choice no matter what and truly believe it. He probably wants to do this because he wants to better himself and make a better life for the both of you. I think if you’re dragging your feet about it, it will be a no win situation because either he will stay for you and be bitter (see above paragraph again) or he will go and you will be very upset and probably not very much on board to work through the difficulty of a long distance relationship.

I also wanted to mention houses can be sold and nothing is ever permanent. I’m sure you could always move if need be. Not saying it’s ideal, but it could be done..