Saturday

Friday

First, let me just say, that I always have the best intentions when I think I'm improving a situation....

Thank jeebus that I have better sense not to "improve" anything at work. I would have been fired 11 times over. I save all the good stuff for my home life.

There are things I deem minor, like, not knowing how to turn the sub-woofer off, so just ripping the cords out of the back of it so it doesn't make noise anymore. This, however does not seem minor to my boyfriend, who has to spend 45 minutes trying to get the computer and TV to recognize its old friend subwoofer again.

Giving the dog a Mohawk. I saw picture online of this dog who had an awesome cute red Mohawk. I wanted this for Kuro. Even though they weren't the same kind of dog and had completely different fur, it didn't matter. It also didn't matter that I didn't have red hair dye. or clippers to shave the rest of him. What I DID have were scissors, pink acrylic paint and very impulsive personality. The result was a crusty, hot pink mohawk, with horribly uneven haircut. absolutely NOTHING like the dog in the picture.

The acrylic slowly crumbled out of his fur leaving his entire coat, minus his face and legs, a light pink. He didn't seem to mind, but I knew he felt uncomfortable when we went in public around other dogs.

Here are some pictures: I'll let you decide if they are similar:

What I was envisioning: awesome right??

What I got ^.... not so awesome.

This Morning was another fine example of my brain at it's best. Since Christmas has ended, and family has gone home and I stopped eating like a god damn pig, Ive decided that I was going to rid my body of all the toxins from the holiday, and do a cleanse. I chose the simple Lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup with water, to get the job done, and let me fit into a bikini again before our Jamaica holiday in March.

In a friendly debate with my boyfriend, I googled to find out if Cayenne and red chili powder and paprika were the same. For all intents and purposes they are; they come from different peppers, but do the same job. I won the debate!

I did NOT however, google where chipotle fit into things. In my superior, debate winning mind, I assured myself that they were probably the same. So, I liberally dumped the smokey smelling powder into my lemoney and maple syrupey drink.

I can now assure you, that Chipotle is in fact, NOT interchangeable with Cayenne. or Paprika. As I took my first big gulp, there was a burning, tingling sensation on my tongue. I had no where to spit it out, I had to down the concoction. my eyes watered, my nose watered, my face turned a hot red. My coworkers thought I was choking, as I made hissing and gagging noises. when i could breathe again, I let them know that i was not dying, they could go about their day.

So, I have spent the last 2 hours pouring little bits out and filling it back up with water to weaken it. But I think all I'm doing is agitating and igniting the sulfurous spice, making it spicier. and I just. keep. drinking it.

Why wont I just pour it out and drink regular water, you ask? Because I will not not defeated by a chili pepper.

6. People who have yelling conversations in coffee shops. nobody wants to hear how great you are at getting " like, super drunk"

7. Slow people. I don't mean like, the mentally challenged, or head trauma victims. I mean fully functioning, employable people, who although somewhat socially inept, seem like fun, easy to talk to people. Until you actually talk to them. and then you realise you have to explain everything to them. EVERYTHING. like the most basic concepts. and you wonder to yourself how these people made it through life relatively unscathed... it's baffling.

8. Undetectable odors. My boyfriend can account for this when I say that spend the majority of my time trying to find the source of, a sometimes, phantom odor that i deem unpleasant. I was gifted a unusually keen sense of smell, which I think is helpful in, say, locating where the dog hid the fudge that he stole from the coffee table when we weren't home.

9. People who have plants and don't water them. why do you have them?

10. People who let their children run wild trough department stores and restaurants. I LOVE it when I'm about to bite into my pizza and the back of my chair is struck by a 5 year old, running at 70mph, hopped up on carbonated, caffineated beverages, while the "parent" yells out something like "Wait for your sister! she can't run that fast", as your pizza slams into your face, and kind of up your nose a bit.

11. Mystery containers in my fridge. I know I'm the one who put them there, with I'm sure was good intentions, not thinking about future Vanessa, who unsuspectingly thinks the butter container would have, well, butter in it. Not remembering the day when all the tupper-ware was dirty so she used an empty butter container to put the leftover tomato sauce in, which then got pushed to the back of the fridge, plotting and scheming against future Vanessa, waiting patiently for the day she opens the container, innocently thinking it is butter....

Thursday

I dislike new years resolutions.I think its a way to set yourself up for failure. Everyone has such good intentions and expectations of what they will accomplish in the "new year". But what about the things you're already working on, or things that require putting NO pressure on yourself? like, "I'm going to work on a really nice tan" or "I'm going to drink an extra glass of water when I remember" or "I'm gong to read more funny things on the Internet".

What are these major life changing resolutions all about? Do you want to quit smoking? or are you just saying it so you have something to say when someone asks you "whats your new years resolution?" If you don't want to quit smoking, then don't say you will, and then make up a thousand excuses for why you're still smoking in March. Do you want to genuinely feel good about yourself and learn to eat right and take care of your body? or do you want to just lose 20lbs so you can wear a bikini for spring break?

I think being specific about what you want, and then working on a plan to get there slowly would be more ideal then just setting these ridiculously far fetched goals for ourselves.

I've been seeing a counsellor for my anxiety for months. Today we talked about expectations that we have of ourselves; the way we would like others to see us.I realise that I have quite high expectations of myself. I don't focus on the 50 wonderful little things that I accomplish in a week, but the one small bad thing, that I will cling to and let ruin everything else. I don't focus on all the places I've been, or the experiences that I've had that, I focus on why I'm not ahead, or where I thought I would be and what I should be doing.

New years resolutions feels like the universe is waiting for me to declare how positiveI'm going to be this year, or how I'm going to lose the 20lbs I gained over the past year or that I will stop dwelling on things or that I will meditate everyday. I already know these are things I would like to improve. What I would really like, is to not care, or to not care as much.

Maybe a good goal for me would be do one less thing a week, make less plans, keep less appointments, talk less, text less, spend less, eat less, make less promises, make fewer goals.

One thing Ive been working on is to be be more mindful. Instead of saying should, ill work on things I would like: I would like to be more mindful of the stupid expectations I put on myself. I will put less stupid expectations on myself.The goal being, that there are no "good" or "bad" things, only my reaction to them. If I am mindful, I am aware of my reactions, and then it would seem, there is no reason to be upset, but to just accept what is.

So, I will be mindful and not judge good or bad. I will accept. I will laugh when certain expectations are not met....Or I will be less angry/irritated/annoyed when certain expectations are not met.... I will be aware that certain expectations are not met.... or I will just be mindful. ugh

Sunday

Day 15Dealing with anxiety is very up and down. The past couple of weeks has been rough. packing up your belongings and moving in general can be taxing, but then add the emotional distress of seeing people you care about suffering, and then add on a couple of plane crashes that affect everyone in your community, and yea, it makes for more anxiety then the average week.

what helps? not a whole lot when its really bad, but that why I have pills to help me in emergencies. But before i resort to that, its distraction. in any form. Breathing and counting, writing about why i feel angry/ sad/ annoyed/ happy/ fill in the adjective about something else in my life. Having a project. me and Eric have recently purchased a wine making kit. it's fun having a hobby and a goal. Listening to music that fits my mood. I don't believe in making yourself listening to happy music if your not happy. It actually just irritates me more. being in a pensive mood like I am right now, I'm enjoying Arcade Fire, with a glass of wine. Cleaning. I find cleaning is a good outlet for all that anxious energy just swirling through my body.

Today I decided to try the tactic of changing my personal appearance to a) distract me and b) make me feel better about myself.so I dyed my hair (re-dyed) bright red. and when i get bored of this, I will dye my hair Blue Black. just for fun. just for distraction.

Me in a Nutshell

My name is Vanessa. I like to dance in my PJ's. I love to move, travel and explore. I have my own business making jewellery. I love arts and crafts and I'm afraid of zombies. I was an English teacher in Korea for 7 years and just moved back to Canada. But, there are at least 87 more countries that I want to visit. I like good wine, good coffee and cheese, but not always in that order. I love beaches no matter what season. I collect Shiney things. This is a journal of all my adventures.