Letters I'll Never Send

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I need to write you these words coming from the very bottom of my heart.

I want to thank you deeply for all the smiles you have put on my face. Your recognition has been a pure reward. The attention you offered me — almost day in, day out — highlighted my days. Your humorous comments have always seemed meaningful and refreshing. Despite your attitude at times, I have often been boosted by your unique presence. Your refined understanding made my will of learning increase profusely. I just wanted to gladden you. You, probably unawarely, impelled me to use my full potential and succeed by doing the best I could.

Besides heightening my painstaking efforts, you made me feel alive. I disbelieve you did it on purpose on every occasion, but it does not affect my gratitude towards you. Your interest in my condition made me think that I could be ordinary too. That I am smart. That my opinion matters. You put me under the spotlight several times, I have felt visible. Thank you for valuing my work, and my presence.

I know I haven’t always lived up tot the expectations. I wish I had been more at times; or just enough at least. But those last months have been terrible. I never felt more down in my life. I have lost interest in going on like this. Yet, your presence was one thing that helped me holding on this whole time. I held on to hope thanks to you, as surprising as it sounds, and your joy of living. I wish I had bee able to tell you about my mental state — constantly willing to cry but instead I simply was laughing. I wish you’d known how I came every night home to a broken house where everything seemed to go wrong. I wish you would have realized all the lies I had told and how I just would have wanted to be given a break. You don’t know how many times I beat myself up for not speaking up. I do wish you would have known the struggles I’m going through and how you mere attention meant the world to me by giving me a reason to keep going.

For all the smiles and laughters you gave me, it does not parallel the amount of tears I have shed these past months.

You were the best teacher I could ever ask for. You’ve been so incredibly supportive, probably without even knowing it.