The 10 Healthiest Hangover Cures Ever

Editor’s note: Meghan is an avid reader of The Drunk Pirate and she submitted this great post. So great work Meghan, and if there are any of you who would like to try your hand at writing for us then by all means let us know. You can send your submissions to [email protected] Be sure to keep an eye out for more of Meghan’s posts in the future.

If you don’t want to stomach Waffle House grits after a night of pounding Steel Reserve or chug 5 packets of sugar and coffee for fear of heart attack, here are some “healthier” hangover helpers. I like to be healthy although I love to go out and get completely wasted. Call me paradoxical, it’s the life style I enjoy and is almost a sort of a challenge. I think if you are going to poison yourself with a shitload of Firefly Vodka, you might as well get out of the hangover rut the way nature intended.

I consider myself an expert at this. As an honor student in college working two jobs, one of which started at 5:45 and involved children, who went out every night, and wanted to keep a great ass, it was merely a survival method.

1. Emgergen-C

This is the panacea of hangovers. When you’re hung over you’ve lost a lot of vitamins. You can buy this stuff at Trader Joe’s in bulk, or at your local health food store or vitamin shop. Dump it in a bottle of water or a cup and just drink it. Have more than one if you want. It looks weird but it doesn’t taste like crystal light I promise. It will replace all the vitamin C, B6 and Potassium you lost from drinking.

They even make Immune Defense ones that boost your immune system. People who work in a restaurant and bar know they get sick a lot, same goes for the customers. There are a lot of people putting their mouths on things and other people putting their mouths on other people who are putting their mouths on things. Watch your Immune system’s back, it gets completely kicked down a few notches when you drink and is also exposed to a germ battlefield.

2. Green Tea

This stuff is the shit. If you want you can add sugar, better yet honey. Soda and most of the juice bartenders use is packed with sugar. You get high, and then as you know from Pixi Sticks or their evil twin, crack cocaine, you crash and burn. Having a small pick me up in the morning might work the same way as the hair of the dog trick, but with sugar.

I take mine “green”. Green tea has a lot of anti-oxidants which clears you out. It doesn’t work immediately and completely clear your system, but is a good replacement for coffee, if you can handle it. It settles your stomach and wakes you up. Caffeine makes things worse, dehydrates you, and green tea has just enough to wake you up a bit, though I wouldn’t recommend it for the heavy coffee drinker. If you want to get really technical and go to your local Tealuxe, get the Japanese Sencha with a pinch of Yerba Mate.

3. Water

This should be at the top, this is the golden rule. The other guys said it was too obvious to mention, but there are a lot of stupid people out there, so let me explain why you should drink water. (Not why people are stupid) Alcohol is super sugar. It just sucks all the water out of you. Ever hear someone tell you to drink a glass of water when you have a headache? Works the same here. Drink it all day. As you will see in the prevention section it is key to being a healthy, cool and hydrated boozehound.

Water is also important to preventing a hangover. Drink a glass of water in-between drinks (no ice so it is easier to chug and faster to receive from the bartender, it also makes it look like you know what you are doing, guaranteed not to be given the I don’t think I should serve you anymore eye from the bartender) – Not that you can really remember to do that after your 3rd Jager bomb, but try to make it a habit. Guaranteed to loosen up the hangover. This is a also a useful tip for people who are trying to lose weight or not get the late night ‘let’s order two Meat Lover’s pizzas at 3am what do you mean you’re not open what do we have in the fridge FunYuns and Spaghettio’s and left over Chinese lets just mix them all together” munchies.

4. Ibuprofen

DON’T TAKE ASPIRIN, DON’T TAKE TYLENOL – Most of it contains acetaminophen which is a liver damaging compound. Sure, one isn’t going to kill you, but it is really bad for you. Those of you who have been injured know that you are prescribed Motrin or Advil in those big 800mg horse pills called Ibuprofen. You get them when you strain a muscle, right? Ibuprofen helps to un-inflame muscles and kind of works the same way with hangovers. Your muscles hold in a lot of the toxins that you poison yourself with. I am supposing this helps by relaxing them. Stick to those. Take it at night if you aren’t puking-in-the-sink-drunk with a big glass of water, or when you wake up at the crack of dawn and have to whiz, take it then and go back to bed.

5. Have sex

Why not? Hopefully your night was a success and you are waking up next to someone else. When you drink you stuff yourself with toxins. Sex is a wonderful for of cardio exercise and makes you feel good. Alcohol is also a depressant. Sex, more specifically, orgasm, releases all those little endorphins that make you feel good about yourself. If you completely struck out last night, masturbate.

6. Hair of the Dog

This is such an old trick it has a weird, almost disgusting name to it. What it means though is a shot of booze. It also means taking a hair from a rabid dog that bit you to cure the rabies that is festering in the wound. Anyhow, this is for the star-athlete boozers, the people who’ve got withdrawal symptoms from drinking too heavily. Your body is hurting from lack of more booze consumption. Take shot of something strong like that White Lightning you’ve been hiding in the freezer. You might throw up but that’s ok. It will stop the shakes.

7. Eat a salad

Vitamins, can’t stress it enough. Or have a banana. Banana’s are high in potassium and that is a major vitamin you lose when you get trashed. There is no fucking way in hell I could even think of looking at something that resembled General Tso’s chicken when I’m hung over. If I am going to get a bacon omelet I know I am going to puke immediately after it. I like a nice sandwich with a bunch of veggies. Here’s some to include in your hangover salad that contain lots of vitamins you lose when drunk and anti-oxidants.

Eat some bread on the side to soak up the poison. It is also good to use your imagination when hung over and imagining a piece of bread really does soak up the poison.

8. Ginger

Aw, does your tummy hurt? I recommend ginger, straight up, like those slices that come with the sushi at the supermarket? That’s ginger, usually pickled. They also make ginger tea, it smells awesome. Mint also helps. It soothes and helps prevent nausea instead of Zantac or whatever, that just reduces acid. What is better to do with a hangover than get really stoned, drink some ginger tea and play some Nintendo? Ginger and Mint will also clear up your throat if you smoked way too many of that drunk girl’s Newport’s and your throat is on fire.

9. Bloody Mary

Make sure they give them with the celery. You get your fructose, your vitamins from the tomato juice and a little bit of spice to help clear the sinuses.

10. Sleep

Nothing is more holistic than doing nothing at all. Your body will eventually filter out all the bad stuff on its own. Either that or you’ll basically die a slow and painful death. So why be awake for it? Get up, drink a glass of water and get your ass back in bed. Come 3 or 4pm your body will have fixed itself and you’ll wake up feeling right as rain and ready start drinking again.

Comments

It is scientifically proven that water only has an effect on your dehydration levels, not your hangover levels (which is cause by the withdrawal of methanol in your blood, not dehydration).

It is also proven that hair of the dog only delays and hangover and doesn’t actually prevent or get rid of one.

It is ALSO proven that sugar (that includes sugary vitamins or sports drinks, etc) is the worst thing you can put in your body (whether it comes from candy, honey, fruit or bread, etc) and topping up the body with more sugar is no better than hair of the dog; you WILL crash at some point doing this, and it isn’t worth it.

Also, I stopped taking any 9ills for hangovers. I always have sinus issues after, so I’m with the guy with the hot mustard (if yor tummy can handle it) Maybe sushi with extra wasabi? All that white rice should help the tummy, while the wasabi clears the sinuses. If you can’t eat and sinuses are you’re issue (this works for sinusitis, allergies and headcolds as well) Take a hotwwashcloth (get it really hot…from yhe tap, not the kettle) and put a few drops of high quality peppermint essential oil on it, wring it out and breathe it in. Don’t touch the cloth to your face though. It will feel like ypur skin is on fire. Susan

I was taking milk thistle and ran out about a week ago. Had too much to drink last night and had a hang over like never before this morning, so I guess they work…must replace.

All the “A” veggies are good for your liver, asparagus, artichokes and avocados (technically a fruit) Also dandelion tea and detox tea that contains burdock root.

Food wise, food is good if you can handle it. My fave is scrambled egg, bacon and just one slice of plain whole wheat toast with a v-8 juice (vegetable cocktail) the veggies in the drink, tomatoes, peppers, celery, etc replace the electrolytes and salt. Better for you than a Gatorade which is full of sugar. If it’s really bad I prefer a bloody Caesar to a Bloody Mary. More flavour. There’s something about that Clamato Juice…more Iron? I can’t drink actual tea on an empty stomach even when I am healthy. It has something to do with the tanic acid, so I would opt for the ginger tea or the peppermint tea, or the aforementioned Dandelion tea.

V8 mixed with beer and hot sauce (and a spash of pickle juice) really helps me. And if you can get your hands on any benzodiazepines like Xanax, it majorly helps with the hangxiety. I always get horrific anxiety the next day. Especially after i start looking through my phone and realize what an ass i was the night before. Lol

Old Thread but wanted to add to it, since it has so many great ideas. Magnesium is so critical to sleep and relaxation that having it on hand is a must whether you drink or not.

1) Magnesium Calm or Magnesium Serene (only take half the dosage recommended or you will be sitting on the great white throne too often). Magnesium in liquid form gets absorbed tremendously better than in pill form. Heat a few swigs of water in the microwave for 1m 30s to get it boiling. Add in the powder, stir, then ice cubes to cool it down.

2) Another way to get more potassium and a dose of magnesium is through Zico’s Coconut Water (Chocolate is actually amazing! Niece calls it chocolate milk water–it does taste that rich and will settle tummies and taste delicious. Available at many gas stations now days in the States (especially in the south) but easy to find at health food markets for sure. You are missing elecrolytes and this is far better for you than something sugar heavy (which will up your anxiety and headache) like Gatorade–you will feel the difference.

Hot and spicy Chinese or Mexican food,if you go Chinese,order Hot and Sour Soup,plus Szechuan-style something for an Entree,plus Egg Rolls-or Spring Rolls,for that matter,BUT-get some Hot Mustard-the stuff they put on the table,and mix up nice and HOT(spicy)-NOT that Mild-a** Crap they put in the to-go packets,that about-or do…that stuff is pedestrian,for the Newbies,at best..OR,if you go the Mexican food route,for starters,get the HOTTEST Salsa you can stand with that order of Corn chips that they bring to the table to keep you sated until the hottest Entree you can stand with a side order of Jalapenos,(or ,if you are daring,Habaneros!!!!)Peppers shows up….Again,Heat (Scoville Units) is the key..order it as hot as you can stand it-if it is too hot,eat some chips,no salsa,use Milk,if absolutely necessary to wash ,and neutralize the effect on your tongue receptors.If none of the above works,if you are stuck at the house,and do not have access to a restaurant,fix up the hottest Denver Omelette,with Jalapenos,or Habaneros,and HOT Hot Sauce…..The restaurant cures ALWAYS work for me-I always start feeling better within 3-5 minutes,no kidding-and of course,one or two hair of the dogs don’t hurt-I might suggest their Top shelf Bloody Mary,extra spicy,or a Big Margarita……….Here’s to Szechuan…..WORKS FOR ME…..!!!!!!!!!…

I know this article is like 5 years old, but I can’t stress how retarded you come off by saying not to take aspirin. If you don’t know anything about the drugs, don’t publish anything containing their names.

Im all the way with having an orgasm to trigure those “all gravy baby!” endorphin feelers. Most of your hangover is all in your head! Gotta stablize your brain chemmistry with sum good old fashioned luvin:) [email protected]~>~~(a rose for you)

I actually drank milk after throwing up this morning and it made my stomache feel a little better, I couldnt hold down water. The green tea has been the best, thanks for sharing!!! Never heard of drinking emergen-c for it, but I believe it I’ll make sure to have some on hand for next time. =)

ibuprofen can be hard on your stomach, I learned the hard way that taking ibuprofen after a night of drinking liquor regularly increases your chances of getting an ulcer alot. just something to keep in mind on that one…

MILK THISTLE Take before bed or next morning with a big glass of h2o. Kicks your shwasted lazy liver into high power mode. Flushes all those poisons right out your body. Will make your piss into toxic stench but after a hour or so but you will feel spiffy after. And not that i expect any of you to, but a intense sweat dripping workout also does wonders

Nancy, keep it to yourself. If ‘you are waking up next to someone’, and provided an alternative for prudish religious zealots like yourself, and as for comparing the suggestion that one take an ibuprofen to advocacy for ‘drug’ use. C’man, really? Argh, ya scurvy wench. Don’t ye mind deh yammerings of those still tied to deh oars. Keep on with yer drunk self, and keep the great advice coming! (Hey, it’s ‘Talk like a Pirate day’, right?)

Not only was that salad exactly what I needed, it was delicious too. I might even eat that without being h.o. Thanks so much! I substituted black beans for kidney beans and used a light vingerette dressing.

I just have to thank you so much because you have no idea how bad of a hang over i have right now, I first tried drinking milk because (1) Im drunk and secondly thats what the dude does in Conkers Bad Fur Day and he is not drunk anymore after drinking the milk

This morning i was at the point of sticking my tooth brush down my throat so that i would throw up and loose my Hang over.

The Milk really didn’t help me stomach out and i started feeling bad effetcts in the stomach with in 5 minutes AFTER drinking the milk

Right now i have a Banana and a big tall cup of water.

I need to sober up so that i can do stuff tonight so what else can i do to sober my self up even more? please try and reply today e-mail:[email protected]

I have to agree with the tea, I’ve heard people waking up from a hang-over reaching for coffee and they really couldn’t do much worse. It will dehydrate you even more and give you yet another crash around lunch.

Taken from a serious drinker (lots less now that I’m out of college) I do think fruit should have been it’s own category not just a side note in salads. Great article!

Wow! What an exhaustive list of morning-after tips. I’ve got to agree with the ginger comment – ginger is totally a power food. Thanks for the heads up on the aspirin/Tylenol ibuprofen issue, I didn’t realize there was a difference, and I’m sure that came as news for many people. Keep up the good work!