Saturday, August 05, 2006

REMEDIAL HIGHER EDUCATION

Here at the online University of Phoenix, you will receive a comprehensive education in the philosophy of future success in your new career: Powerpoint, Outlook Express, filling out surveys, & how to open a PDF file. Our team exercises also teach you the invaluable lesson, If you want something done, do it yourself.

We offer both an online curriculum graded by foreign nationals in Bangalore, as well as our ground campuses, located in seedy strip malls across America.

Hiring managers take note when they see University of Phoenixon your resume! Our graduates are well-represented among civil servants, food-service specialists, motel managers, carnal entrepreneurs, & TV news anchors. The University of Phoenixonline law school is a major recruiter for Jacoby & Myers, & our online medical school provides staffing for fine nationalized health industries in Canada, Britain, & Libya.

A few of our successful alumni:

Ward Churchill, Phd in Excel spreadsheets from University of Phoenix online BusinessSchool

Arianna Huffington, licensed manicurist from University of Phoenix online BeautyAcademy

Nancy Grace, MFA in Ecru from University of Phoenix online ArtsAcademy

Bill Frist, Phd, University of Phoenix online institute of Parapsychology

The University of Phoenixis competitive with finer educational establishments such as the Bryman School, Control Data Institute, & the Barbizon School. We have a diverse student body, including housewives returning to brush up their cocktail waitressing techniques as well as motivated individuals on work furlough or community service. University of Phoenix is also a fine employer, & is always hiring new instructors, starting at $13 an hour.

Watch out USC: the University of Phoenixis excited to be fielding its first online football team, with the nubile University of Phoenixonline cheerleaders. Call today to take advantage of our special offer: University of Phoenix's new 3-week master's programs in homeopathy, store window display, Adobe Acrobat, & copy-&-paste.