Beyond
the lovey afterglow of our holiday happenings, what I’m enjoying the
most is the lack of worrying about pretty much everything. I used to
run on my anxiety. I’d wake in the morning and consider all the ways
in which I’d already failed. But my new medication has got me waking
up to see what the day will bring. And that is a good thing.

I
used to make lists at the end of the day of all that I did just to
give myself credit for my work. Now I approach the day with the
attitude of whatever I get done gets done. I’m not as concerned about
what needs doing as long as I’m engaged in doing it. And this
reminded me of the concept that it is never about the results but
always about the process. Because life itself is a process. Yes, if
you keep going, eventually you will reach the completion of a task.
But the gratifying part is the work. As soon as you finish reading a
book,your are sad because there is no more.

I dragged the crunchy Christmas tree outside and stripped it of it’s lights today. And I plucked the little electric Christmas candles from our windows. I dragged my slothlike body back to the YMCA and burned 300 calories on the elliptical. And spent some time prepping salad mix for the upcoming week of salads I will be eating. All without a thought as to how incompetent or fat I am today. All without speeding here or there or angsting over what I can’t do today.

When I get my daughter off the bus, that will prove the more trying part of my day. The rush of changing to go back to ballet tonight. But tomorrow, a sweet silent day to while away as I please focusing on anything that I deem most important at the moment. No worry, no scurry, no hurry.

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I started crying the day I left work for vacation. I was crying by the time I got in the car, and I cried all the way to the psychiatrist office and all the way through our session. I hadn’t cried like that in a long time. She was worried, and I was too, because the truth was that I had/have been feeling depressed though nowhere as severe as I have suffered with it in the past. In any case, she upped my dose of antidepressant, and I’ve noticed that now my weight has crept up even more. Damn it! Double damn it! I will strive to find balance — not hurry, scurry, or worry. Thank you. I wish you lived here, and we could go to lunch on a regular basis.

My name is Shalagh Hogan, pronounced Shay-La. I'm the mother of a teen, a six year-old, and I turned 52 this year. This blog was born in 2011 and my hope and joy as a writer, an artist, and an uber-creative, is that by sharing my journey of self-discovery, others will gain inspiration and permission for their own journeys.