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7/30/10

Now you don't even have to post a comment to get the goddess you need. Just take the quiz! Go goddesses! Discover your inner goddess and find out who you need to channel more often. Have fun! Let me know who you got.

The Goddess You are

and the Goddess You Need to Be

1.You’re at the mall, and you see this awesome gold necklace.You want to buy it, but the price is way too high.You:

kKeep walking.It’s just a necklace.

+Surely, your true love would want to spring for this!

nGo for it.You’ve got lots of credit cards.

[Who wants a necklace?It’s happy hour at Sushi Loco!

2.Given a choice of roommates, you’d choose:

kDogs.So low maintenance.

+One true love.Sigh.

'That two-timing lover of yours.Nobody’s perfect.

nVISA.

3.This party is such a drag.The hostess has locked herself in the bathroom and all the guests are whining.You:

kMove on.Life is too short.

[How can any party be a drag when you’re there?You are the party.

-Actually, you didn’t make it to the party because you couldn’t find a babysitter.But Antiques Roadshow is always fun!

mThe hostess is a bitch anyway.Spit in her finger food and get out.

4.It’s midnight and the neighbor’s music is blaring.You think:

+All music is mood music.Light the candles and make romance!

-I learned to sleep through noise three babies ago.Who cares?

[Who’s home at midnight?

mA pox on their house.May they die a slow and gruesome death.

5.Not again!That two-timing lover of yours was seen sucking back chili fries with that floozy Hester Prynne.You:

'Will turn that Hester Prynne into a cow.

+Move on.There are plenty of fish in the sea.

kHa! This is exactly why you stuck with dogs.

mThere will be blood tonight.

6.Ah! Another beautiful day in the garden.You’ve never felt:

kMore at peace.

mMore bored.

'More sure that that two-timing lover of your is out texting that floozy Hester Prynne.

-More invigorated by the day’s work ahead of you.

7.You’re still thinking about that necklace.You go back to the mall to buy it, but it’s been purchased by that floozy Hester Prynne!

9.Promotion time at work.It’s come down to you and that bitch Hester Prynne.You:

nBuy the best suit money can buy.You’ll wow them with your fashion sense.

m“Accidentally” staple Hester’s lips to her cubicle wall.

kFear not.Your competency is all you need.

[Tell them the joke about Venus, Apollo and the sea urchin. It slays people every time.

10.You’re best friends with:

kDogs

+Hester Prynne

[Whoever is ready for fun

nYour credit card

Meet Your Inner Goddess

If you got mostly k: Your inner goddess is the Greek goddess Artemis

Artemis is the goddess of the hunt.She never married.She is accompanied by a band of fleet-footed nymphs and a pack of fifty dogs.She really likes her dogs.She is independent and ever competent, just like you.Your take charge spirit and love for all things canine will ensure you always have meat in the freezer, but life isn’t all venison.You can let your hair down sometime.Mix it up.Have a cocktail.And don’t be afraid to let romance and laughter into your life.Try channeling a little Venus or Uzume to have the balance you need.

If you got mostly +: Your inner goddess is the Roman goddess Venus

Venus is the goddess of love and beauty.She had an unhappy marriage, but never let it get in the way of her love life.She believes that love will triumph and that romance is a sacrament.Like Venus, you’ll always make time for Hugh Grant movies and you’ll always have plans for Valentines Day, but, hey – Cinderella – you may need to work on fending for yourself.It’s the twenty-first century and you better not count on Prince Charming giving you the life you want.You need to make that yourself.Try channeling a little Artemis and, when necessary, Kali (but not if means going all Fatal Attraction).

If you got mostly n: Your inner goddess is the Norse goddess Freyja

Freyja is best known for sleeping with three dwarves in order to get a priceless golden necklace.It was a cool necklace, but exchanging sex for jewels caused her to lose the respect of her fellow deities, so it was sort of a hollow victory.Still, she was an early advocate of retail therapy, which is what makes her such a great gal to shop with.It’s great that your fashion sense never wavers and that all your friends envy your shoe collection, but hold on, pretty mama.Ask yourself: Can designer jeans really fill that whole in your heart?Can jewelry substitute for real relationships?Try channeling a little Venus and maybe even a little Pachamama.Mother yourself now so that you can retire in style later.

If you got mostly [: Your inner goddess is the Japanese goddess Uzume

When the sun goddess locked herself in a cave because she was pissed off by her pesky brother, chaos descended on earth and all the gods – except Uzume – went around moaning and shivering in the dark.Uzume danced.She danced so wildly and with such abandon that the other gods just started to laugh.That got the sun goddess to come out of her cave and all was well in the world.Uzume knows that laughter is the best medicine, and so do you.You are always fun to be with because you never take things too seriously and you’re always ready for a good time.But you don’t always have to be the joker in the deck.You have feelings too, you know.Good friends will love you in all of your moods.Try channeling a little Artemis, and don’t be afraid of your inner Kali.You don’t have to laugh off that bitch Hester.She’s done you wrong, sister!

If you got mostly ': Your inner goddess is the Greek goddess Hera

Hera is the goddess of marriage, and she’s married to the biggest two-timer in history: Zeus.That guy gets around more than Federal Express.Instead of kicking Zeus out of the house, Hera goes all psycho on his lovers, turning them into all manner of farm animals.It’s hard not appreciate her commitment to her relationship, and she is, indeed, long suffering.But own it.Nobody likes a scary jealous, crazy person.Have you even read Othello?You don’t want to go there.Try channeling Uzume and Artemis.And if you must have vengeance dial up Freyja and make Mr. Wrong pay through his credit cards.

If you got mostly -: Your inner goddess is South American goddess Pachamama

Pachamama is mother earth.She is a good mother, and she will take good care of you if just sacrifice a little of your wine before you drink it.(We are very trying children, after all and it’s cheaper than Paxil.)You, too, may be a mother, but no one says you had to be the fricking Giving Tree.You deserve a life too.Try channeling a little Artemis, Venus, and Kali.People can pick up their own damn socks sometimes, you know.They’re not invisible to everyone but you.

If you got mostly m: Your inner goddess is the Hindu goddess Kali

Kali is the goddess of destruction.She can get really mad and wears a necklace of severed heads.But don’t worry!She destroys in order to make way for the new and virtuous.Like Kali, you know when it’s time to close the book on certain chapters of your life so that you can move on and create something new.Neither of you is afraid of your anger, and that’s good because sometimes you need to speak justice to power, baby.Sometimes you’ve got to say what you think so you can leave the past behind.But if you’re wearing a metaphorical necklace of severed heads you may want to channel some Uzume.In other words, lighten up.Also try channeling Venus and Pachamama.Maybe what you really need is love.

7/27/10

The Chieftess's life is in chaos -- not a bad chaos, mind you, just a lot of changes all at once -- and she needs a goddess. Of course, she needs Harmonia, the Greek goddess of harmony.

Despite being the goddess of peaceful harmony, poor Harmonia knew all about living with chaos. She was the daughter of Aphrodite, the goddess of love, and Ares, the god of war, which was cool because they gave her the power to create marital harmony and military harmony. So she could make people fall in love and destroy nations in one fell swoop.

The problem was, Aphrodite wasn't actually married to Ares. She was married to Hephaistos, the god of metallurgy, and Hephaistos was totally passive aggressive. He got even with his wife by waiting until Harmonia's wedding day and then giving Harmonia a cursed necklace that would bring doom to her and all her descendants. Yeah. Total drag.

Eventually, Harmonia's husband was turned into a snake, and she was so bummed that the gods had to turn her into a snake too, just because they felt so sorry for her.

But lots of messed up people/snakes still rock at their jobs. Just because Harmonia lived in total chaos/slithered around on her belly doesn't mean she can't bring harmony to your life or to your plans for imperial conquest. In fact, her appreciation of the challenges of living in chaos is what makes her so sympathetic to your need.

Channel this goddess: When chaos looms, when all is in disarray and you need to organize your life or your pantry, when deciding whom to pass your cursed jewelry down to.

Need a goddess: I can help! Post a comment telling me your need and I'll see what I can find.

PS: Apparently, ladybugs are named after Harmonia! They're scientific name is Harmonia Quadripunctata. Who knew?

7/19/10

Jess, poor Jess, needs a goddess to help her deal with a nosy, difficult mother-in-law. I have the perfect one for you, Jess: the Greek goddess Psyche.

Psyche is one of the few women who actually married up to become a goddess. She was born a princess, and she was so beautiful that people began to compare her to the goddess of love, Aphrodite. Worst, yet, Psyche was stupid enough to let them. Now you can do a lot things in life, but letting yourself be compared to a god is just asking for trouble.

Aphrodite was so insulted that she sent her son Eros to humiliate Psyche. Here was the plan: Eros was supposed to shoot Psyche with a love arrow right when she was looking at the most disgusting, grodo guy imaginable. Psyche would fall in love with grodo, thus humiliating herself and setting the stage for all your basic Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thornton scenarios. BUT! Eros, shot himself with the arrow and fell hard for Psyche. He whisked her away, they had a wild secret relationship, and then, as happens, everything went to hell. Aphrodite found out, locked Eros in his bedroom, and set her sights on her rival.

She said to Psyche, "Go to hell." She meant it too. She actually pulled out a map and showed Psyche the way. "And when you get there," she added, "Bring me back some Eternal Beauty cold cream. It's my favorite. If you can do this, you can marry Eros."

Here's the rub: Mortals can only get to hell by dying. And the getting back part? Not so easy. Cuz your dead. Luckily for Psyche, Athena -- who really always hated Aphrodite -- told her how to get to and from hell without actually dying. So Psyche goes, gets the cold cream, brings it back, and Aphrodite was all, "Durn."

Aphrodite had no choice but to let Psyche marry Eros. Psyche became a goddess, moved to Mount Olympus, and lived mostly happily ever after. Family holidays were always a drag. Pyche never did work things out with her mother-in-law, and -- to the end -- Eros was a bit of a Mama's Boy. But that was cool because Psyche started a whole Cold Cream business and became, like, the Helena Rubenstein of Olympus.

The lesson here is that difficult mother-in-laws are as guaranteed as death and taxes. The smart woman listens to Athena and makes sound financial investments. With her profits, she takes her family to Hawaii for the holidays.

Channel this goddess: When your mother-in-law goes all psycho-bitch. Nobody needs this. Keep your cool. Do not go to hell and back to please her. It's not worth it.

Need a goddess: Post a comment and I will find you what you need. I look forward to your request.

7/13/10

I would have gotten Pasadena PIO her goddess sooner, but things just keep popping up. My desk begs straightening. My dog demands a belly rub. I must watch Jonas Armstrong in Robin Hood. Oh, and did I mention the dust bunnies are now in active revolt?

But enough about me. Pasadena PIO needs a goddess to ward off procrastination. For her, I offer the Celtic goddess Brigid. Brigid was one fiery goddess. Really. She had a giant flame sticking out of her head. It connected her to the entire universe and is a powerful source of creative energy. When you need someone to light a fire under your butt, she's your gal. When you need a spark of energy, she's your go to goddess.

I'd really love to tell you more, but I'm almost positive I still have some Girl Scout cookies hiding in the freezer, and have you seen Jonas Armstrong? Do you see my problem?

Channel this goddess when trapped in the clutches of procrastination. Unless, of course, you suddenly realize you just can't live without a Sumac beer tankard. In which case, try this.

Need a goddess: I've got plenty! Post a comment telling my what you need and when I'm done watching Robin Hood I'll try and see what I can do. Probably.

7/6/10

Deists, among whom counted Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson, believed that God revealed Himself through nature. I believe this is true. In nature, our bodies quiet, our minds still, and if we wait and are patient, we can sometimes feel ourselves part of something bigger and more lasting than ourselves. In dark and difficult times, it is hopeful.

The Pasadena City Council votes Monday, July 12, whether to turn a last remaining bit of accessible wilderness -- Hahamongna Watershed Park -- into a soccer field. Soccer is big in this town, and there are not enough fields to play it. I know parents who have to choose between letting their ten year olds be on a soccer team that has to practice at nine o'clock at night or not play at all, this in a time when Americans are at risk for both obesity and not getting enough sleep. Which of these bad alternatives would you choose for your child?

Go! Build a soccer field. But don't built it in this fragile ecosystem that is home to coyotes, bobcats, frogs, ducks, swallows, snakes and other wildlife. Don't build it in this cathedral that provides a needed respite to urban and suburban sprawl. We are a species that needs to feel the earth, touch long grasses, and hear the wind feel its way through canopies of trees. That's just who we are. Through nature, we know the divine. So...let us know.

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About this blog

I like to think of this blog as a virtual sort of spa day or night out with friends. We relax, we laugh, and we get a little perspective from the goddesses and wise women who've come before us. So exhale, slip off your shoes, and turn off the phone. It's time to Begin Again.

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A story of love, motherhood, a lot of dogs, tons of traffic, a few modern-day monsters, and a little divine intervention.