Today for example I turned up for something that was 2 days ago. I swear they said today. Then when i phone saying why didnt you call me they play the innocent with me like people always do. **** people.

I was looking forward to today because a girl i like would be there. Guess that is out of the window like everything. Another missed opportunity and another step to breaking point.

There's days i've spent thinking it was another day entirely, wondering why no one is in the house when they were actually at work. Until someone tells me and i'm utterly amazed at myself.

I have no interest in anything any longer apart from finding someone to quell my loneliness. I am pretty much mute all of the time. I no longer have the energy to converse. When I have a disagreement I simply walk away instead of communicating.. I cannot be bothered.

Whilst I have always been shy amongst other things i was the top student at my school. Years since ive been reduced to a recluse with a concentration span of a couple of minutes. Im not even kidding. All I think about is killing myself because I cannot take this torture any more. When you have nothing to do every day for years it becomes too much. Then like i say you have an opportunity and it goes missing, leaving me to wait more weeks for another. I can't take it any more.

My throat is hurting because i tried strangling myself in anger. I have this thing where I cant damage anything without immense guilt, so I take it out on myself. I really want to try hanging myself again. On one hand I want so badly someone to be there and to feel better, but its not coming and im deluded if i think otherwise. I am alone in the world. I feel sad for what could have been but it was never meant to be. I think i'm going to finally extinguish this feeling of loss and emptyness once and for all.

I've seen people for help, but simple words from a person I will rarely see do not help. I know so many people have killed themselves from feeling lonely and depressed. I am like that. That is my path. I don't know if anyone has ever felt like this but I feel like i'm living on borrowed time. I should have gone long ago. If it wasn't for family I really would have done. As time goes by the sense of loss feels greater. I don't like it here. I'm tired of walking alone always under a grey cloud.

I know exactly what you mean and I have huge difficulty thinking straight, concentrating or remembering things too. All I can think about is killing myself too.
It's like a huge mass, a black hole combined with a cloud of fog blanketing over my mind, distorting my thoughts and preventing me from using it correctly or to anywhere near its full potential. My mind occasionally goes into a "heavy" state (which is not caused by extreme tiredness) and whenever I try thinking or recalling on this state, it's an impossible task and I just see black.
You know that feeling you are "training your brain?" For example, logic puzzles like Sudoku, or listening to complex classical music. You feel "brain fried" because you've using it so much. Well that state is almost impossible to get too when have the heavy or "sickly" feeling. Literally, I can feel my brain is working on overload.
Once, I even have a painful, nightmarish vision to do with growing old, my relatives and dying caused because of my mindset.
Of the 6+ months I've had of extreme depression, only once has it lifted for more than 6 hours where I could concentrate freely again. Strangely, my memory improved drastically too and this is the only factor that musters some hope and life into me.