February 13, 2006

Once in a great while there comes a man with such drive and ruthless determination that no obstacle can stand in his way, and nothing can prevent him from reaching his aim. Ingvar Kamprad, owner of Ikea, your friend and mine, was a farmer before becoming the Lord of the Particle Board, the Czar of the Open Bar, and most importantly the Conductor of the Home Assembled Structure.

When it was revealed Mr. Kamprad was is a Nazi sympathizer, he made sure to apologize to his multiethnic staff by looking deep inside his heart and listening not only to his own thoughts, but the thoughts of his fellow human beings. It is said that Kamprad’s heart grew 2 sizes that afternoon when his booming voice relayed his heart-felt statement, "I preferred Mussolini to the other fellow." What a champ.

Ingvar believes in living cheaply. He once fired his long time hairdresser and replaced him with a man who will cut his hair for $13.50. In once in New York, Ingvar was upgraded to the penthouse suite in the hotel from his single room. He complained and demanded he be downgraded because of cost. He wasn’t aware he owned said hotel, I’d be angry too, I hope he disciplined the incompetent employee who made such a careless mistake. Imagine, being upgraded in one's own hotel...

Although he has a drinking problem, it has never prevented him from reading his assembly instructions, making deals with child employees in the Philippines, or union busting at home.

He is a true success story, one that touches all people. I know there is a little unscrupulous, neo nazi, reclusive billionaire inside each and every one of us.