If I had known about this 6 years ago, you would not be reading this blog. My fingers would not be able to differentiate individual keys on the laptop. And you would all be allowed to continue your measly existence without any intervention from me.

Ugh. How boring.

You can purchase an electronics kit from Xandon Frogget, and with a bit of know-how, attach it to your stroller.

Hook up a kinect sensor, and the spawnlings can cruise around without crashing into anything. Or if you’re a control freak, you can control it with your phone instead.

For me: The darn thing takes up to 300lb!! Wahoo! Evil Genius Mum’s gotta a new ride!!

Daddio Robotics – here is your Evil Genius Parent Award. That’s just AWE-some. I’ll be in touch if we have any further spawnlings. Or if I start considering the crane-lift.

Carols and bad covers of said carols are played repeatedly throughout the stores. Snow-field decorations adorn every shopping strip (no matter which hemisphere you live in).

And Santa visits each mall, ready to take photos and patiently listen to heavily-considered wish lists.

Whether or not the kids want to.

Now, hey – before you go all “Scrooge!” on me, hear this. I couldn’t give a rat’s arse about Christmas. As long as there is an opportunity to celebrate with family, recount the adventures of the year, and begin preparation for world domination in the new year – call it whatever the hell you want.

But it amazes me how many people use this as a perfect time to forget any common sense they may exhibit any other month of the year.

Take Wendy Harmer (and Wendy, if you are reading this – welcome aboard). She recently wrote an article in the Hoopla about her brother’s kids looking rather uncomfortable on Santa’s lap.

Now, in this same article she mentions one particular complaint about the picture. And you know what – I agree with the complaint.

So let’s put this in to context. It’s Christmas. And some people really like having family photos of the kids sitting on Santa’s lap. And they will do anything to get that photo because it is sort of the social norm in Western Society.

Bah Humbug.

Wendy: You missed the whole point of the complaint.

Why the hell would you force young children into a situation they are obviously uncomfortable? They are not happy. Is this really a photo you want to keep?

Not all kids scream with Santa. I once worked as a photographer for Santa Photos (that’s a whole other Hell-Retell). There are some guys who are spot on with the characterisation.

But I also know from experience that there are some Santa’s out there that are down right intimidating – and yeah, I had no problem putting in a complaint about one in particular.

You know what – this whole scenario is pretty much telling your kids to suck it up, sitting on the old man’s lap because hey, it’s Santa.

It’s akin to “Suck it up. It’s Sunday school because hey, it’s a priest.”

Yep. I said it.

And I’ll say it again if asked to my face.

I don’t give a shit if it’s Santa, grandad, Padre, Rabbi, or even the sweet little old lady down the road. If my kids are screaming about the person near them, I’m going to respond by saying No to the offending individual. Even my own parent. I’m going to teach my kids how to trust themselves and build their own sense about right and wrong in those situations.

And then I am going to take them to the nearest Shinbudo Dojo and work on a few kata. That’s how they will be Evil Geniuses and not mere (and broken) minion.

I really hope that Wendy’s brother’s kids are never subjected to any type of child abuse – Hell, I really hope no kid is.

But it is a LOT easier if the kids can develop their own sense of trust and faith on this issue.

Santa photos like this are just crap. They are disrespectful to the kids, they are disrespectful to the photographer, and they are disrespectful to the original man who started the whole legend of Santa (now THERE is an evil genius… but that’s another blog for another day).

So Wendy – get off your horse. Recognise that this woman was actually trying to point out a major flaw in what too many consider a social norm. You don’t have to say sorry. But don’t do it again.

Tonight. For your entertainment. We have … not one.. but TWO recipients for the Evil Genius Parent Award. With a tip… a very simple, and yet essential tip that will reap the greatest shits-and-giggles in the lead-up to the shittiest-and-giggliest season of them all.

Summer Holidays.

Oh yeah. And Christmas.

This SAME tip comes from two lovely, and slightly very insane ladies.

Wow I am impressed and I thought not only teaching the nephews how to put batteries in their toys and also where mummy kept the batteries and how to open new packets was up there on the scale of evil but he really does deserve the award.

That’s brilliant. Though Dad did teach me to always give the cousins’ kids EXTRA batteries to be hid in their rooms for when the current ones go missing – and showing them how to put them in :o)

{Megan D, in response to Dominique F on Facebook}

Important note: Neither of these ladies are mothers. They are “The Cool Aunts” – which means they apply Evil Genius (Para-)Parenting techniques.

However, never fear!! Just because you are the Parents does not mean you are relegated to be on the receiving end of this tip!

HELLS TO THE NO!

Just wait for that prime time during the silly season when one of the family members (like, say… The Cool Aunt) wants to baby-sit. Then make sure that your kids have a really noisy toy to take with them.

Like this:

LEGO dominates our lounge-room. But even today there is a certain passive approach to it. The Tank’s turret is short; the ninja’s armoury looks neat and tidy; the obstacle course for LEGO men has… flowers?!?

Desperate times require desperate measures. So today’s ‘Forensic Friday’ is about the weather and using the elemental forces to my favour… mwahahaha.

Make Your OwnThunder

Blow up a balloon

Step 1 – Blow up the Balloon

Put a hand on each end of the balloon and push your hands towards each other until the balloon POPS!!

Step 2 – Pop the Balloon… Not as easy as you think…

(Obviously this last step is hilarious to 6yo Sinister and 3yo Nefarious who then continue to do this experiment around the lair – further testing the limits of entertainment versus the limits of EG Mum’s patience…. results to come).

The lesson here – You create your own thunder because the air inside the balloon moves so fast when you pop the balloon. Same as thunder. Boom boom.

So what is so evil about this experiment? Nothing – on face value.

But now I have a whole weekend ahead me… and two young evil-genius-in-training who are all enlightened with the idea of creating loud noises in the name of science.

I would post a “Proof of Life” but I can’t seem to capture a photo that doesn’t include some incriminating evidence anyway.

The amount of times Sinister and Nefarious are arguing over who is going to tie my hair to the bed head first… *sigh*

So, when a suggested alternative to stringing them up outside my lair came across my desk… well, I was intrigued.

Don’t make me bring out The Shirt…

I love this shirt – it’s a win-win scenario for me. Either the kids shut-up and resolve their issue. Or they kill each other (within the confines of the shirt) and I still get on with my day.

Side-note: Take a look at the wall in the background. That colour would cover blood-spatter perfectly.

With this suggestion comes two recipients. Obviously the original poster of this picture, Cheezburger, receives the major kudos for this. And the original parent – if you’re out there and you ever read this: How many kids do you have remaining? And how many did you start with?

However, joint recipient of this award is Dallas F; a minion from way back who has earned this special mention. Not only did he bring this picture to my attention, but he was also too lazy to post it on my Evil Genius Mum Facebook wall – instead posting it on his own wall and ‘mentioning’ me to get my attention.

His excuse: He only Facebooks on his mobile…when feeding his daughter.

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We’ve all been there. The doorbell rings, the neighbours are invited in – and you suddenly realise your child’s designs for a freeze ray gun are currently displayed, front and centre of the kitchen.

Awk-ward.

Of course, in our evil lair, the freeze ray gun design is at least a little more inconspicuous than other designs on the fridge – say the bungee torture chamber, the chocolate drowning tools, or even the worst of all: death to Evil Genius Mum by pollen saturation.

But alas, only so many of these amazing designs can be displayed at any given time. And with each child, the battle for prime position is ever so much more entertaining.

So, we have devised a way to store our evil plans for future reference, and in such a way as to protect our interests from prying eyes.

Digital Storage.

For every A4 or smaller design created in two dimensional format, the design is scanned and filed on the external hard drive under the appropriate designer’s name (and subsequent sub-folders). For those that aren’t easily scanned, digital photos are taken and then stored in similar manner.

Lego Mini Daleks by Sinister

Simple right?

That is, until Sinister started showing an interest in sculptures. It started off with Lego, and then progressed towards clay sculptures.

So now I have to start looking into 3D scanners for the Evil Genius Lair.

Seriously? Yes, seriously. In the time it takes me to photograph one of his sculptures from every frackin’ angle possible, Sinister has gone and placed a dozen of these Mini Daleks all around my work-space like landmines.

I do like the HP Topshot. Maybe. At least this one will still do all the other stuff I need a printer to do. It does 3D scans for me and then sends the image to wherever I need it – even here on this blog.

FARO Focus 3D Scanner on LEGO trolley

Of course, if you want to go the other way with 3D scanning, and start scanning rooms and environments, check out the FARO Focus 3D Scanner instead. Bonus: MADE WITH LEGO!!

I’m not sure exactly what I would use it for – maybe I’d just scan my secret room each day and compare shots to see if anyone had been messing with my stuff.

Oh what the hell. I just want it because it has LEGO with it.

But back to the original question, what do you do to store your kids’ crazy ideas?

** I received no sponsorship for this article. I just like finding cool shit like this.