The Dirtbag Dadtag:typepad.com,2003:weblog-1133413994925647492017-04-30T08:10:08-07:00family, friends, strangers • inner & outer journeys • the outdoor experience • an active 2e mind • husband, dad, writer/storyteller, teacher/nurturer, student, traveler, climber, yogi, & runner
TypePadThe Guest Housetag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a0192ab66fe33970d01b7c8f33e06970b2017-04-30T08:10:08-07:002017-06-05T15:05:25-07:00A poem from Rumi, resonating on multiple levels in this season of renewal and rebirth. You just can't go wrong with Rumi. The Guest House This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected...Eric O'Rafferty

A poem from Rumi, resonating on multiple levels in this season of renewal and rebirth. You just can't go wrong with Rumi.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

(from The Essential Rumi, versions by Coleman Barks)

Distress and Impairmenttag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a0192ab66fe33970d01bb097f5f8f970d2017-03-03T09:25:43-08:002017-03-03T09:25:43-08:00These symptoms (distress and impairment) are a critical element to a mental health diagnosis. Not only is this aspect misunderstood with regards to the President, but for those who suffer from mental health ailments in general (perhaps more importantly). Dr. Frances eloquently (and succinctly) clarifies this in his letter to...Eric O'Rafferty

These symptoms (distress and impairment) are a critical element to a mental health diagnosis. Not only is this aspect misunderstood with regards to the President, but for those who suffer from mental health ailments in general (perhaps more importantly). Dr. Frances eloquently (and succinctly) clarifies this in his letter to the New York Times:

FEB. 14, 2017

To the Editor:

Fevered media speculation about Donald Trump’s psychological motivations and psychiatric diagnosis has recently encouraged mental health professionals to disregard the usual ethical constraints against diagnosing public figures at a distance. They have sponsored several petitions and a Feb. 14 letter to The New York Times suggesting that Mr. Trump is incapable, on psychiatric grounds, of serving as president.

Most amateur diagnosticians have mislabeled President Trump with the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. I wrote the criteria that define this disorder, and Mr. Trump doesn’t meet them. He may be a world-class narcissist, but this doesn’t make him mentally ill, because he does not suffer from the distress and impairment required to diagnose mental disorder.

Mr. Trump causes severe distress rather than experiencing it and has been richly rewarded, rather than punished, for his grandiosity, self-absorption and lack of empathy. It is a stigmatizing insult to the mentally ill (who are mostly well behaved and well meaning) to be lumped with Mr. Trump (who is neither).

Bad behavior is rarely a sign of mental illness, and the mentally ill behave badly only rarely. Psychiatric name-calling is a misguided way of countering Mr. Trump’s attack on democracy. He can, and should, be appropriately denounced for his ignorance, incompetence, impulsivity and pursuit of dictatorial powers.

His psychological motivations are too obvious to be interesting, and analyzing them will not halt his headlong power grab. The antidote to a dystopic Trumpean dark age is political, not psychological.

ALLEN FRANCES

Coronado, Calif.

The writer, professor emeritus of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Duke University Medical College, was chairman of the task force that wrote the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV (D.S.M.-IV).

A note in reply to Dr. Scotttag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a0192ab66fe33970d01bb0979f9b8970d2017-02-16T11:14:30-08:002017-02-16T11:14:30-08:00Dear Dr. Scott*, The act of not-writing a poem/script/song, in this instance, is a clever means of doing just that. Evocative. Mysterious. My prayers and blessings to you and yours. Not sure which of the two is more needed, so covering all bases. All my best regards, Eric * Dr....Eric O'Rafferty

Dear Dr. Scott*,

The act of not-writing a poem/script/song, in this instance, is a clever means of doing just that. Evocative. Mysterious. My prayers and blessings to you and yours. Not sure which of the two is more needed, so covering all bases.

More Legacy: For Irving on his 90thtag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a0192ab66fe33970d01b7c8b3ba71970b2016-11-25T10:05:19-08:002016-11-25T09:57:04-08:00This is the third in a series of reflections on significant people in my life during my formative years. I think I may still working through those formative years! The first two are about my dad and my mom. I've known Irving for over 40 years now. He's married to...Eric O'Rafferty

This is the third in a series of reflections on significant people in my life during my formative years. I think I may still working through those formative years! The first two are about my dad and my mom.

I've known Irving for over 40 years now. He's married to my mom, but I've always described him first as a friend. One who happens to be married to my mom. He's had a huge impact on my life. His birthday was earlier this month, on the 13th.

You Are Not Invisible

Back of the classroom

Couldn't see the blackboard

They thought you were

Defective

Lesser

Stupid

An idiot

Needy

Sometimes

It appears

That some

You believe

Don’t notice you

An invisible man

Not important

Not worthy of simple attention

This perception is wrong

And those who might have this perception

Are missing a deep beauty and richness of mind and spirit

You are…

Brilliant

Misunderstood (only sometimes!)

Appreciative

Empathic

Exasperating

Incredibly funny

Inspirational

Loving

Intelligent

Thoughtful

Kind

Complex

Nuanced

A listener

An artist

A visionary

An advocate

A parent

A husband

A teacher

A friend

Human

You just needed a sighting scope to open the universe…

Spectacles

And you are visible

A light

Inspiring and illuminating

Lighting paths for far-ranging souls

Some of them you know

Some you learn of your impact ages later

Some you’ll never know

A word

A gesture

Small acts of kindness

Of recognition

Of listening

You pay attention

You hear stories

You scaffold the telling of stories

Stories that need to be told and heard

That is a legacy

A tremendous legacy

As a teacher

How many seeds have you nurtured?

What amazing things did they become?

And how many new generations of seeds are they producing?

And what will those new seeds grow to be?

And it goes on. And on. And on.

Deep impacts

Profoundly positive changes, growth, and evolution

You are not invisible.

You are seen.

You are heard.

We see and hear you.

We will hold all of this close to our hearts to our dying days

Thank you, thank you, thank you

Wow!

To Those Gathered Here Todaytag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a0192ab66fe33970d01b8d23d6546970c2016-11-25T00:14:31-08:002016-11-25T00:18:52-08:00The following are thoughts I shared with my family today during Thanksgiving dinner here on Whidbey Island: Dugualla Bay from Uncle Bob's Sportsman's Lodge On this Thanksgiving, we are blessed with gratitude in abundance. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It’s for quiet reflection and raucous discussion. Above all, for me...Eric O'Rafferty

The following are thoughts I shared with my family today during Thanksgiving dinner here on Whidbey Island:

Dugualla Bay from Uncle Bob's Sportsman's Lodge

On this Thanksgiving, we are blessed with gratitude in abundance. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It’s for quiet reflection and raucous discussion. Above all, for me Thanksgiving is about our family, our connections, our traditions, our past, and our future. It is legacy in action.

Here is a sampling of gratitude:

Colin

We are grateful that Colin feels good about being a student at Bridges Academy. He’s made new friends there, and has passionately discovered yoga, chess, and chicken-wrangling. All of these offer new venues to apply his rising mastery of stand-up comedy.

Colin is also becoming a master quick-witted thinking. For example, his Humanities teacher, Ian had this to say about a him:

…we had a debate in class today on the subject of women's suffrage from a 19th century point of view. Colin was on the team arguing against women's suffrage and I would like to point out that he was one of the debate stars, clearly articulating arguments from that point of view, even though he does not agree with them. Not only did he participate enthusiastically, but he was also a leader, helping many of his teammates along the way. I was quite impressed.

Audrey

We are grateful that Audrey has a deeply feeling and perceptive heart, caring and connection with animals from horses to humans. We love her artistic abilities ranging from graceful movement to a creative and inspired hand.

I am grateful that she enjoys listening to stories of my youth. It reminds me of my own young self when I fondly listened to stories from my own significant adults.

And I am grateful that she knows how to trick me into great hugs!

Claire

We are grateful that Claire has an upbeat, can-do spirit… a direct inheritance from her Mom! Even when she has a difficult, grumpy, or sad time, she uncannily bounces back typically within a very short time. Like her sister, she also possesses graceful artistic gifts of body and spirit. She has a great energy and persistence that has quickly helped her develop into an excellent gymnast!

I am grateful for her freely flowing kindness and thoughtfulness toward others. And for her love of the outdoors, nature, and all creatures… especially chickens!

Reconnected friends

Chicken whisperer in action

Uncle Bob

We are grateful to Uncle Bob for having the vision to build a home on Whidbey Island and that he once again has welcomed us here. We are grateful for his inquisitiveness and knowledge of many, many things: wood gathering and cutting, boats, crabs, trees, composting, wood burning stoves, and more.

I am grateful that he loves playing with Colin, Audrey, and Claire and that he makes them feel comfortable and welcome, even when they pretend they are not!

Uncle Dennis

We are grateful to Uncle Dennis for massive road trips with Dusty to be with family and for not blinking an eye when called upon to do so (and for keeping Grandpa Hank’s driving gene going strong!). We are grateful for his incredible passion a a chef at Thanksgiving and other times of the year. He truly understands the meaning of home-cooked comfort and food made with love. It is always all the more delicious because of that.

We are also grateful that he maintains the continuity of great dogs in our family. And of course, we are grateful for Dusty!

I am grateful that he thoughtfully brings gift cards for Colin, Audrey, and Claire and that he has a knack for getting the most ginormous kids’ Christmas gifts. He shares my taste for Newcastle and remembers I like whiskey. And openly opens his Fresno home when I’m traveling on my dirtbag road trips.

Grandma Denise

We are especially grateful to Grandma Denise who has provided the very generous grant that has made this entire program possible! In addition to her family, the community of Oak Harbor thanks her for her support of the local economy! She is definitive evidence that one never stops being a Mom. We are so grateful for her support, love, and sense of adventure and travel. And for her great sense of humor.

In addition to being my mother-in-law, I am grateful to call her a long time friend—twenty plus years now. We have spent many wonderful times together, one on one, working on projects around Phelan, the Dana Point apartments, and her Villa Park home. And I would be remiss to not mention all the great trips we’ve all taken together around the world as a family.

Jennifer

Jennifer is so many, many powerful and complex things to all of us: Mother, sister, daughter, spouse. She is a giver who we cannot ever appreciate enough.

When we got married, I told everyone that, with Jennifer, I whole-heartedly chose the “challenge option.” That choice has not changed… I still embrace it. And, man, she has not disappointed in providing me with challenges… primarily of the positive variety!

Sometimes, single words best describe the gratitude you have for a person and this is one of those instances. Here are some words that immediately come to mind when I think of Jennifer:

Patience

Heart

Adventure

Fun

Devotion

Joy

Vision

Drive

Strength

Beauty

And, of course, challenge!

For these things, and many more, I say to Jennifer: Thank you.

Family

We have a broad, funny, sometimes wacky, far-ranging, and at the core, loving and kind-hearted family. We send gratitude to all who are not with us here today, both those still here on this earth and those who have passed on. While they are gone in body, their spirits carry on within us all.

To use common vernacular, gratitude is not all about “rainbows and lollipops.” We all go through times of struggle and challenge. But I prefer to see these times as part of a larger mosaic for which we don’t yet have a complete perspective and appreciation.

Some closing thoughts from a couple of wise souls.

One arrived just this morning from a recent acquaintance who is a minister:

The genius of gratitude, of course, is that you aren’t merely grateful when life turns out well; you’re grateful for whatever is presented to you. This is why gratitude transforms everything, including the inevitable losses that touch our lives. A sure way to have a happier life is to rediscover gratitude. It’s that simple. The more grateful we are, the more alive we feel.—R. Scott Colglazier

And the other is a (personally) long time resonance from the composer John Cage:

The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason.

With deep gratitude to all on this this Thanksgiving Day!

The hearth of the home

Beauty in Three Actstag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a0192ab66fe33970d01b8d2383005970c2016-11-14T06:00:00-08:002016-11-13T11:17:26-08:00Beauty 1 Cone from Coulter Pine. About 9" tall. Really cool. Hurts when dropped on head. #nottoofarfromdirtbagdadsneighborhood Beauty 2 "God is in the roses and the thorns" Soulful, wise, and thoughtful lyrics from the amazing Rosanne Cash. Let us not forget the incredible and largely unknowable machinations and/or randomness born...Eric O'Rafferty

Soulful, wise, and thoughtful lyrics from the amazing Rosanne Cash. Let us not forget the incredible and largely unknowable machinations and/or randomness born of this universe of multiple trillions of 100 million star galaxies. #healingpresencetodayjoypeacebeautylove

"The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason." —John Cage.

Anne Lamotte on the three forms for all prayers:

"Help me, help me, help me."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you."

"Wow!"

Cheyne Lempe, the Enormocast, Climbing, Expeditions, & Anxietytag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a0192ab66fe33970d01bb09402189970d2016-10-07T12:06:00-07:002016-10-07T12:06:00-07:00How's that for a long title? I just finished listening to an episode of one of my top, go-to podcasts: the Enormocast. The Enormocast is focused on climbing. It definitely covers areas most non-climbers won't have any clue as to what being discussed. Yet, to paraphrase its host Chris Kalous,...Eric O'Rafferty

How's that for a long title?

I just finished listening to an episode of one of my top, go-to podcasts: the Enormocast. The Enormocast is focused on climbing. It definitely covers areas most non-climbers won't have any clue as to what being discussed. Yet, to paraphrase its host Chris Kalous, there really isn't anything else to talk about! And even if so, why would anyone even want to talk about something other than climbing? The beauty of Chris is that while talking about only climbing, he manages to cover a lot of other really interesting human aspects within the context of climbing. And he does it quite well.

While this episode with big wall climber Cheyne Lempe is about a big wall expedition to the extremely remote and cold Baffin Island, it's really about a lot more that just the climbing. It touches on journeys, generalized anxiety (as a medical affliction), and quite a few other thought-provoking topics.

I too have generalized anxiety. It’s not been all that long that I’ve been able to name it specifically, but as Cheyne touched upon, it’s been something that’s been part of my journey and growth pretty much my whole life. It’s only recently that I’ve begun to see how it has been at play in the past. Sometimes with mental health disorders, people tend to take a negative view, e.g. “I suffer from x.” I don’t quite see it that way. For me, anxiety can be both my greatest curse and greatest gift. As I’ve become friends with anxiety, gotten to know it better, and really have owned it, I’ve seen how I’ve let it channel me into the abyss of despair and paralysis. But I’ve also seen how it has helped me achieve incredible commanding heights. Much of this is about your brain and how it’s wired. Anxiety people have minds that think a lot… to the point of potentially harmful overthinking! I can use my brain to scare and talk myself out of everyday actions that otherwise could give me immense benefit. Or I can learn to flip the downward spiral and use my mind with all of its thoughts and ideas to spin them into great creations.

One of my favorite observations: A hammer is a tool. In and of itself, it’s neutral. It’s what you use it for that has impact (yeah, bad pun!). You can use a hammer to build a home for someone who really needs a good, safe shelter. Or you can use it to bash their skull in. Same hammer, different outcomes. One good, one bad. The hammer is neither.

Legacy: For the One Who Has Always Been There (and Always Will Be)tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a0192ab66fe33970d01bb093a6dcc970d2016-09-25T12:06:58-07:002016-09-25T12:09:31-07:00Today is my mom's 75th birthday. Happy birthday Mom! A month ago, I wrote about my dad on his 75th birthday (Oh Father Wither Thou Goest). Unlike him, I do know where my mom is. And not only do we know how to find each other, we regularly and deeply...Eric O'Rafferty
<div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><p>Today is my mom&#39;s&#0160;75th birthday. Happy birthday Mom!</p>
<p>A month ago, I wrote about my dad on his 75th birthday&#0160;(<a href="http://dirtbag-dad.com/dbd/2016/08/oh-father-wither-thou-goest.html" target="_blank">Oh Father Wither Thou Goest</a>). Unlike him, I do know&#0160;where my mom&#0160;is. And not only&#0160;do we know how to find each other, we regularly and deeply connect. We speak&#0160;often. Still, you can count on her to&#0160;hunt me down if I allow these connections to get spaced too far apart! In those instances, she knows that I&#39;ve typically&#0160;been working hard taking care of my kids, family, and home. And she deeply appreciates&#0160;what this is all about.</p>
<p>Everyone should have a parent like my mom. In addition to being a mother, she is a friend, a teacher, and a guide. Someone who is consistently supportive and can listen without judgment. I am the man I am today, in large part because of my mom. And for this, I am profoundly grateful.</p>
<p>Following&#0160;are a few of the gifts she has&#0160;given me. Some date to my childhood. All are helpful&#0160;to me to this very day. They guide my own choices and I pass them along to others as the need arises.</p>
<ul>
<li>&quot;You can be whatever you want to be, if you want to be&#0160;it hard enough.&quot;</li>
<li>&quot;Imagine the worst thing that could happen. Pretend it&#39;s real for a moment. Is is really so bad? Very&#0160;often, it&#39;s not and you&#39;ll survive and be ok or better.&quot; (Important words for someone who has lived&#0160;with generalized anxiety!)</li>
<li>Learning for the sake of learning. The importance and beauty of the humanities. Lifelong education.</li>
<li>Watching her&#0160;transform and evolve&#0160;from the devoted full-time&#0160;mom to a&#0160;full time college student (at 29 the oldest undergraduate at Clark University—extraordinary in the 1970&#39;s!) And then on to&#0160;a accomplished, inspired&#0160;career as an admired leader in adult education.</li>
<li>Her passion&#0160;to care for and nurture her children, partners, family, friends, colleagues, and... on more than one occasion, near strangers who would often later become good friends. Here&#0160;is a persistence and dedication that goes beyond basic compassion.</li>
</ul>
<p>In all things, there are extremes. Compassion and nurturing can drift toward a need to &quot;fix&quot; others. Sometimes, as hard as it is to watch, people are often best served&#0160;when they can heal and evolve themselves. I saw how hard she&#0160;tried to be there for my dad, and I&#39;ve seen how sometimes she&#0160;feels&#0160;to have somehow failed me and my brothers—perhaps&#0160;because she&#0160;didn&#39;t help him &quot;enough.&quot; This is just plain wrong. She&#0160;did help. It would have been great to have a more fully present father and she&#0160;did all that she&#0160;could to encourage that. That didn&#39;t work out with him so well. But what she did do was to directly care and nurture me and my brothers in ways wonderful and loving—and that still unceasingly continue. This is her&#0160;legacy and it continues forward, within me for sure, and I hope with my own children.</p>
<p>This legacy did not arise spontaneously. There is a great lineage&#0160;of nurturing women in our family: her&#0160;mom—my grandma Pauline, great&#0160;grandma Rose, great&#0160;aunt&#0160;Helen, and many others with&#0160;which I&#39;m only vaguely familiar or not familiar at all. They are not forgotten. They reside within me. And so they carry on their good work via her. I&#39;m honored and proud to be part of this lineage. It&#39;s a legacy that I whole-heartedly embrace.</p>
<p>Happy Birthday Mom! May this year be one of continued good health and of celebration!</p>
<p>&#0160;</p></div>
Oh Father, Wither thou goest?tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a0192ab66fe33970d01bb09301f6e970d2016-08-27T23:51:53-07:002016-09-02T14:18:41-07:00Today is my Dad's 75th birthday. Wishing him the very best. I just don't know where he is. He does know how to find me. And the door is open. It has been for a long time. I don't bite. And you are welcome here. It can't hurt to try......Eric O'Rafferty

Today is my Dad's 75th birthday. Wishing him the very best. I just don't know where he is. He does know how to find me.

And the door is open. It has been for a long time. I don't bite. And you are welcome here. It can't hurt to try... though there is a lot of rebuilding work to do. And I've recently come to better see why it may be so challenging for you to walk through that door.

Anyway, regardless of all that, there is much I'm thankful for that you have given me:

Being present at my birth and going to far reaches to make that happen in a time when the medical community and culture did not recognize the great value of being present at and assisting in the birth of your own child.

Imbuing a love for the outdoors and wild places. You never quite ventured into them as far as you wanted. But I have picked up that legacy and taken it much farther. And I'm now passing this connection with wild places on to my own children.

The deep and brilliant intelligence that you have passed on to me. I now understand how that can be, at times, both a curse and a great gift. And I understand how you struggled and suffered with your own parents. Please forgive them if you haven't already. Even partially if that's all you can do for now. They were, like all parents really, just trying to do the best for you with what they knew. It wasn't always a lot, and much of it was misdirected, but I don't believe they had ill intent. I do wonder how they got to be who they were, especially your dad. His family life prior to the years with grandma and you are, I suspect, a lost Scandinavian saga. The keys lie within that story, I'm sure of it. But we can't likely find them anymore. We just have make do and accomplish the best we can with what we have been given. Paradoxically it feels like I've been given an abundance and for this I feel much gratitude. I know that you too did the best you could with your innate resourcefulness with respect to me and my brothers. You have long been forgiven by me.

Happy birthday dad. I hope that, wherever you are on your own journey, you've found peace, inspiration and contentment.