Sunday, December 02, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews had a gas attack on air where he apologized for burping. Which is different than Bill O’Reilly, whose whole show is one complete gas attack.

A study says that stress can cause the brain to shrink. After you consider running a corporation, TV show and beauty pageant, that explains a lot about Donald Trump.

Pope Benedict XVI greeted thousands of clowns, acrobats and puppeteers as a circus came to Vatican City. After looking at the audience the Pope told them he hadn’t seen so many young boys in one place since he visited the priests’ rectory.

A study says that American households’ net worth has hit a 43 year low. Apparently that means there was some sort of depression back in 1969 but apparently everyone was too high on LSD to remember it.

A study says that American households’ net worth has hit a 43 year low. Which is sad in that someone who was starting out in the business world back then was better off than they are now when they are getting ready to retire.

The life expectancy in Monaco is the highest in the world at 89.7 years, while one of the lowest is Afghanistan at 49.7 years. It’s so bad there that Willard Scott mentions your birthday on the air when you turn 50.

The life expectancy in Monaco is the highest in the world at 89.7 years, while one of the lowest is Afghanistan at 49.7 years. Although one good thing about living in Afghanistan is that Social Security benefits kick in at 16.

The U.S. is 51st in the world for life expectancy at 78.5 years. It would be higher except for the high rate of obesity, deaths by crime and people imitating the stunts on “Jackass”.

A Florida woman was arrested for trying to kill her husband by poisoning a tuna sandwich. She could have just served him tuna straight out of the can every day for a month and let the mercury already in it kill him.

A Florida woman was arrested for trying to kill her husband by poisoning a tuna sandwich. If she wanted to kill him with seafood, she should have just taken him over for dinner at the Red Lobster.

The Internet in Syria is back up after a two day blackout by the government. Fortunately it will be up in time for the traditional holiday season “Jihad Monday” where terrorists get huge discounts on their suicide bombing apparel.

Minnesota is looking to start selling lottery tickets at the gas pump. Which means that people will actually be able to completely fill their tank if they come up with the winning Powerball jackpot.

Bankrupt Hostess, makers of Twinkies will give nearly $2 Million in bonuses to their executives. Do they really deserve it? Going broke selling junk food to Americans is like losing money investing in a Beverly Hills Botox clinic.

Bankrupt Hostess, makers of Twinkies will give nearly $2 Million in bonuses to their executives. Economists are confused. How do you lose money selling Twinkies while the owners of the Chicago Cubs are making a profit?

A survey says the yearly income that would bring happiness to most people is $161,000. So let’s make all these grumpy corporate CEOs happy by cutting their salaries from $20 Million a year to a more festive $161,000.

A survey says the yearly income that would bring happiness to most people is $161,000. Although the country with the highest happiness income rating was Dubai at $276,000. Of course, that’s just to stay current on the air conditioning bill.

A survey says that most Americans are likely to say they belong to the middle class. Of course, those are the people who before 2008 were in the upper class.

A survey says that most Americans are likely to say they belong to the middle class. Of course, middle class now includes anyone who can buy a tent large enough for the whole family to live in.

A survey says that most Americans are likely to say they belong to the middle class. Mostly because the economy has sunk so low that the lower class is pretty much now confined to prisoners, winos and people working at Wal-Mart.

Donald Trump says it is “B.S.” that he is being blamed for a 45% drop in the popularity of Macy’s among women because they are selling his clothing line. Apparently women are afraid the next step is for the store to start selling Donald Trump toupees and they can’t handle the thought of their husband wearing one of those in bed.

Ford is recalling their Escape SUVs because of the possibility of engine fires. They had no idea that when they designed the vehicle that the name would also be a survival strategy.

Congress is looking to replace dollar bills with coins in order to save the Treasury Department billions of dollars. They already pretty much have replaced the dollar with a coin. It’s called the penny.

The original TV Batmobile will go up for auction in January. Although it did have to be modified as original Batman Adam West got a little older. It now comes with a handicapped parking placard and curb finders.

A report says that Bank of America is going to delay higher fees for checking accounts. Apparently they are planning to wait until some of their depositors actually have some money to put into a checking account.

A study says that the fear of dentists usually is a result of their father’s feelings about having their teeth worked on. Of course, in Alabama the study kept coming back with the response “What’s a dentist?”

One of the stars of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” was arrested for reckless conduct. In other words, the police must have walked in while they were taping an episode.

One of the stars of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” was arrested for reckless conduct. The most damaging evidence against them is being one of the stars of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”.

Protests flared up in Bahrain over a visit from Kim Kardashian. How bad is it when there is less of a reaction to our invading troops in the Middle East than stars of our reality shows?

Students are launching an experiment where screams will be sent into space to test if they can be heard in a vacuum. An easier way to test the theory would be to yell into Jessica Simpson’s ear.

South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham says the “crazy bastards” in Guantanamo Prison should stay there. Apparently he feels there is no reason to move them since the crazy bastards in Congress have been in the same place more than 200 years.

A poll says that 51% of Americans support same sex marriage. The other 49% just don’t have the money to buy any more wedding gifts than they already have to pick out each year.

President Obama says it will be a “Scrooge Christmas” if Congress doesn’t extend the tax cut for 98% of Americans. In fact, Obama’s only support for the coal industry seen so far is his order for a lump of coal to be put in the stocking of each member of the House and Senate.

The NFL says the Miami Dolphins are the only team in the league to see a significant decrease in attendance over the past decade, with a 17% drop. Mostly because there is also been an increase of 17% in the drop rate for all their receivers.

The NFL says the Miami Dolphins are the only team in the league to see a significant decrease in attendance over the past decade, with a 17% drop. The reason is most Miami fans can’t go to a 2:30 game and miss out on their 4:30 early bird dinner special.

A Northern California Sequoia tree, The President is now the second tallest tree in the world. Fortunately, President George W. Bush is out of office or the tallest tree left in the world would be a six foot sapling in Montana.

A new trend for single travelers is to meet and mingle at the airport gate. If they hit it off, they can be full body screened together by the TSA.

A new trend for single travelers is to meet and mingle at the airport gate. If they are flying JetBlue, they can go out on as many as three dates before their flight actually takes off.

A study says that a person’s body language is a better indicator of their emotions than their facial expression. Like when your wife is smiling while holding a rolling pin in her hand when you walk through the door.

A survey says that 73% of employees would rather have cash than other holiday perqs like an office Christmas party. The other 27% would like an office Christmas party just for the fact it means they would actually have a job.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only a little more than three weeks until Christmas. I’m seeing so many Christmas commercials I am almost wishing we had the election coming up again instead. The only cure for holiday commercials is to know you are out there sending the love!