Friday, March 4, 2011

BEIN' TEN

i wake up in the mornin’, an i tell ‘im i can’t i can’t do it with ‘im, i say we can’t do it this mornin’, i tell ‘im, because i’m ten

that’s how i feel mornin’s, when i wake up frail an’ shaky inside like the whole world’s made outta rice paper all ready to crumble that’s how i feel mornin’s, i tell ‘im like i’m ten

so the entire bizness of sex, i tell ‘im, is not somethin’ i can do it’s a shock to my system to my bein’ ten

meanwhile he’s runnin’ his hands up an’ down, all over my body like he’s tracin’ a picture of me with his fingers tellin’ me i’m some kinda sex goddess, like in the movies an’ he’s in heaven, he says ‘cause he ain’t never seen nothin’ so beautiful as me

an’ i’m stretchin’ out, long and catlike the way they do when the’re sittin’ in your lap an’ ya find that spot on their neck and ya rub it just right until their bodies melt into whatever shape ya wanna give ‘em

with me, i guess it’s the touchin’ an’ the words, all put together an’ he says,”yeah, keep stretchin’ like that , just like that “

an’ i got my head on his chest -- a strong big place just like i knew it would be, when i first met ‘im he didn’t have no shirt on that day an’ i thought, ‘i just wanna lay my head down on this man’s chest an’ rest for awhile’

an’ now he’s pressin’ up against me bein small in his arms

an’ then it happens -- like somebody switched the channels on the tv an’ there’s another show goin’ on my arms are stretched out back over my head, on the bed like i’m chained down only they ain’t real chains not the kind ya can see but i can’t move an’ he’s on top of me, an’ i want ‘im to ram right through me right through the bed an’ down into the ground so’s i can’t go nowhere so’s i can’t be ten or a woman so’s i can be nothin’ nothin’ with no questions ‘cause i’m tired of questions tired of wonderin’ whether i’m ten or a woman

the way i figure it all those years an’ all those men shoulda made me a woman by now

an’ he says he wants me to be wearin’ somethin’ next time so’s he can rip it off me an’ he wants me chained down for real so’s he can do whatever he wants until i’m beggin’ for it -- it bein’ him

an’ i don’t wonder about it then ‘cause i’m bein’ rammed into nothin’ nothin with no questions

i wonder about it later

was i ten, when he did what he did to me back then ?

was i ten ?

or did i cross some kinda line go from ten to bein a woman

‘cause i know there’s all kinds o’ lines, when you’re in that place bein’ body to body close with a person all kinds o’ lines ways people got to keep themselves from bein’ invaded upon

there’s barb-wire lines that cut ya up bad, if ya try to cross ’em there’s ‘lectrocuted lines that’ll shock ya into wishin’ you was some place else there’s wooden fences ya can crawl under, or climb over there’s ditches dug all ‘round a thing, and water an’ alligators put in there so’s ya can’t swim across there’s lines with land mines hidden under ‘em -- one wrong move an’ you’re blown to bitsthere’s ol’ property lines datin back to god knows when, with grass growin’ over ‘em an’ nobody payin’ ‘em much mind anymore

i figure if i did cross a line back then go from ten to bein’ a woman it wasn’t nothin’ obvious maybe somethin’ like dreamin’ ‘bout how there’s a fence ‘round a field an’ then it’s gone, an’ there’s just the field, all wide open

an’ now, with him talkin’ ‘bout nothin’ but chains an’ tearin’ clothes off my back i’m thinkin’ maybe i shoulda never mentioned bein’ ten maybe i shoulda never brought ‘er up ‘cause i dunno what to do with ‘er an’ i sure as hell don’t like what he wants to do with ‘er with seein’ her in me

an’ it’s one thing, her poppin’ up appropriate like bein’ wonder-filled at the sight o’ things only a ten year ol’ can see but it’s quite another, her showin’ up in the mornin’ an’ me bein’ in bed with a man ‘cause me bein’ ten an’ her bein’ a woman is like two songs playin’, at the same time two different songs that don’t go together an’ listenin’ to ‘em makes your skin crawl so ya make up a third song that’s louder than the other two an’ covers ‘em up

that’s about as much sense as i can make out of it all

i guess the heart o’ the trouble is not knowin’

me bein’ ten or a woman either one or both is just somethin’ i don’t know too much about