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Topic : Too Much Discipline?

Number of Replies: 73

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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 04:06:31 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

Do you and your spouse, partner or ex argue over how much discipline is acceptable? Where do you draw the line? Does your child complain about you being over protective? Share your stories and give and get advice from other parents here.

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THANX

i certainly agree that you shouldn't let your son apologize to this man in this situation.

however, normally i would. part of him being disrespectful might be his ADHD but i also believe that how you raise him is part of it too. although he has ADHD it isn't an excuse for him to not behave. if he would be more respectful he might not get in this kind of situation so easily.

But i certainly don't mean to say, that this is his fault or something. i believe that how the 15 year old, and his father behaved is absolutely unacceptable!!!!!!!

Hi Thank you for your response.

My son has only been diagnosed by one psychiatrist for ADHD and although I agree with him that my son is ADHD, I have scheduled a 3 hour ADHD testing so I can be sure. He is not on any medication yet...it is such a huge decision on a parents part to put children on a daily dose of any medication...especially one that works on the neurotransmitters in the brain as does Strattera.

counselor states my punishment is too much

My son has been getting into trouble at school over last few months. First he is a bully and likes it. He told a teacher in school....he likes to be a bully because it gives him power and makes him feel big. He calls other kids names...even right in the middle of class. He has pushed a kid down and took a ball on the playground. Kid sustained bruises. He has picked on another little boy over a girl he liked but she did not like him. They are in the third grade mind you. Last Friday, I received a phone call from a neighbor down the street, how my son was doing weed with an older boy who lives next door to us. My understanding was my 7 y.o. son and friend walked into the area and found them smoking weed. The boys went and told an adult and thats how I got a call. The older boy is about 16 or 17 y.o. and understood has a wrap sheet already. Our houses are very close and no restaining order will fit due to how close. My husband (Step-dad) went to our other neighbor who is a state police officer for advise (off duty of course). He started investigating and found my 10 y.o. high and then to his friends house across the street. 14 y.o. boy also high. My 7 y.o. was found clean. Officer also investigated his daughter who is 13 y.o. and spends alot of time playing with all the kids too. She was found clean. Now since the whole street knows....we feel pegged now. We work very important jobs in the community as EMS. My son doesn't seem to care. We have taken everything away......anything that runs on electric or batteries, except his alarm clock to get up for school and the light in his ceiling fan to see. He is not allowed outside or with the other kids. He has been writing sentences since. Or should I say paragraph. It doesn't bother him. I have even made him dig my 6x12 garden area by hand as punishment. No sweat! The killer of this whole thing is....he advises he tried it once and didn't like it but pressured his 7 y.o. brother to get his money to buy a $10.00 bag of weed. The 7 y.o. did not obtain that money. I have looked into military schools even just for the summer 3 to 6 weeks. But you have to be rich to do that. $3000 and up. I understand he is just starting in the drugs scene....I don't think there is an addiction yet...but how do I stop this now. What do I do to change this situation. We have vacations planned for this summer...camping a week in Virginia, flying to Florida for 10 days, Six Flags and a few weekenders. What do I do then...I don't think he deserves it and I really don't want a druggie going. NOW WHAT TO DO???

As an update to the above...We went to counseling yesterday. The lady was really nice and my son liked her. He did really well at answering her questions. I was very surprised. Anyway, during the interview process...my son admitted to thoughts of suicide thoughts. The lady questioned how....with a butcher knife...stabbed in his head. She replied....boy that is really going to hurt. He smiled. Anyway, the lady advised me..I have punished my child way too much. She believes children should have behavior modification.........whatever. My child has been punished without being hit. I have been so angry...I think I could really hurt him. He has nothing that runs on electric or batteries, except his alarm clock and ceiling fan light. He has to write a paragraph I wrote for him 500 times. The paragraph states his behavior and bad choices and what will happen later if he doesn't change and last it includes how he is learning from this punishment. He has wrote it 68 times already and can tell you word for word. He even agrees with it. He has also dug my garden 6x12 by hand. No contact with friends or outside. My child has not been hit and we usually don't. He's only been slapped a few times in his life...because he was in reach. I will not chase him. The counselor thinks I should cut his punishment in half. DO YOU THINK I AM TOO STRICK? DO YOU FEEL I SHOULD CUT HIS PUNISHMENT IN HALF? IF I WAS TO CHANGE IS PUNISHMENT...WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?

Too Much Discipline?

My son has been getting into trouble at school over last few months. First he is a bully and likes it. He told a teacher in school....he likes to be a bully because it gives him power and makes him feel big. He calls other kids names...even right in the middle of class. He has pushed a kid down and took a ball on the playground. Kid sustained bruises. He has picked on another little boy over a girl he liked but she did not like him. They are in the third grade mind you. Last Friday, I received a phone call from a neighbor down the street, how my son was doing weed with an older boy who lives next door to us. My understanding was my 7 y.o. son and friend walked into the area and found them smoking weed. The boys went and told an adult and thats how I got a call. The older boy is about 16 or 17 y.o. and understood has a wrap sheet already. Our houses are very close and no restaining order will fit due to how close. My husband (Step-dad) went to our other neighbor who is a state police officer for advise (off duty of course). He started investigating and found my 10 y.o. high and then to his friends house across the street. 14 y.o. boy also high. My 7 y.o. was found clean. Officer also investigated his daughter who is 13 y.o. and spends alot of time playing with all the kids too. She was found clean. Now since the whole street knows....we feel pegged now. We work very important jobs in the community as EMS. My son doesn't seem to care. We have taken everything away......anything that runs on electric or batteries, except his alarm clock to get up for school and the light in his ceiling fan to see. He is not allowed outside or with the other kids. He has been writing sentences since. Or should I say paragraph. It doesn't bother him. I have even made him dig my 6x12 garden area by hand as punishment. No sweat! The killer of this whole thing is....he advises he tried it once and didn't like it but pressured his 7 y.o. brother to get his money to buy a $10.00 bag of weed. The 7 y.o. did not obtain that money. I have looked into military schools even just for the summer 3 to 6 weeks. But you have to be rich to do that. $3000 and up. I understand he is just starting in the drugs scene....I don't think there is an addiction yet...but how do I stop this now. What do I do to change this situation. We have vacations planned for this summer...camping a week in Virginia, flying to Florida for 10 days, Six Flags and a few weekenders. What do I do then...I don't think he deserves it and I really don't want a druggie going. NOW WHAT TO DO???

As an update to the above...We went to counseling yesterday. The lady was really nice and my son liked her. He did really well at answering her questions. I was very surprised. Anyway, during the interview process...my son admitted to thoughts of suicide thoughts. The lady questioned how....with a butcher knife...stabbed in his head. She replied....boy that is really going to hurt. He smiled. Anyway, the lady advised me..I have punished my child way too much. She believes children should have behavior modification.........whatever. My child has been punished without being hit. I have been so angry...I think I could really hurt him. He has nothing that runs on electric or batteries, except his alarm clock and ceiling fan light. He has to write a paragraph I wrote for him 500 times. The paragraph states his behavior and bad choices and what will happen later if he doesn't change and last it includes how he is learning from this punishment. He has wrote it 68 times already and can tell you word for word. He even agrees with it. He has also dug my garden 6x12 by hand. No contact with friends or outside. My child has not been hit and we usually don't. He's only been slapped a few times in his life...because he was in reach. I will not chase him. The counselor thinks I should cut his punishment in half. DO YOU THINK I AM TOO STRICK? DO YOU FEEL I SHOULD CUT HIS PUNISHMENT IN HALF? IF I WAS TO CHANGE IS PUNISHMENT...WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?

I think you are being to strict on him. he has made a couple of mistakes, but only the 500 time writing would be enough in my opinion. and not taking him on vacation?! after all this punishment. he seems a good boy, and he's only 10, he isn't 16 or something. it seems to me he already got the message. i don't know how long he doesn't have his stuff anymore, but if it's been a week or two, i think it would be enough. i'm not sure if your son really can understand how serious the consequenses would be if he got addicted to drugs. even though you probably told him. he is a kid, and you should punish him as a kid, not as an adult. keep an eye on him with the suicide things, and maybe you should make him find other friends, or make sure you always know what they are doing. i think you should keep him with that counselor for now, maybe his bullying has some cause too, that she can find out.

i don't know how long ago his punishment started. if it hasn't been two weeks yet, i think he's done enough writing. i'd just keep him grounded for one more week, without computer games, and let him watch tv half an hour a day, or an hour. and sit down for a good talk, and explain why you punished him so hard, and how concerned you are about him, i think he'll get the message then. and hopefully he won't do it again.

Too Much Discipline?

I think you are being to strict on him. he has made a couple of mistakes, but only the 500 time writing would be enough in my opinion. and not taking him on vacation?! after all this punishment. he seems a good boy, and he's only 10, he isn't 16 or something. it seems to me he already got the message. i don't know how long he doesn't have his stuff anymore, but if it's been a week or two, i think it would be enough. i'm not sure if your son really can understand how serious the consequenses would be if he got addicted to drugs. even though you probably told him. he is a kid, and you should punish him as a kid, not as an adult. keep an eye on him with the suicide things, and maybe you should make him find other friends, or make sure you always know what they are doing. i think you should keep him with that counselor for now, maybe his bullying has some cause too, that she can find out.

i don't know how long ago his punishment started. if it hasn't been two weeks yet, i think he's done enough writing. i'd just keep him grounded for one more week, without computer games, and let him watch tv half an hour a day, or an hour. and sit down for a good talk, and explain why you punished him so hard, and how concerned you are about him, i think he'll get the message then. and hopefully he won't do it again.

Thank you for your reply. Im some ways I think he is over punished too and makes me sad but there are so many other issues to the story. His real dad has been doing drugs for a long time and even this past xmas day, my son walked in on him doing a line of crushed narcotics. My son thought it was cocaine. His dad explained how this is a quick effect for his pain. But if the kids were to crush tylenol or even something really bad and snort it for a headache or such...they could die. Major issue. So this is another issue on the table. So we have severity here. Took him to court but we still have to share custody and he even gets visitation still. I do not want my children to be like this. His father also quites jobs every other week. I want my children to be sucessful and out of my house before 30. Not tring to be mean, but that's a reality. My children are also latche key kids. The are very well educated on survival and fire and medical issues and taking care of themselves. They are of higher maturity than most 10 and 7 y.o.. They are more like 9 and 12 or 13 y.o. They can even cook and clean and house work...laundry, dishwasher, cleans the bathroom, and cutting grass. Even pulling weeds. My 10 y.o. even works on a farm occasionally for cash. This of course is someone we know and he likes it and its fun to him. These are not chores either. They do these jobs at free will and make a little cash here and there. We pay as they do a job...just like work. They save for vacation or to just go to the store for a new game. So with this information do you still think a week or two is enough. Maybe the paragraphs should be decreased. Yesterday, I showed up at the house when they did not know I was coming. My son was watching tv and had been playing playstation. This was within the first 25 minutes of being off the bus. He can't even follow the simple rules of no tv. Any suggestions. I don't ever want to be known as abusing my children. I just don't want them to go the wrong path. 10 is too soon for this. I accept all replies even if I disagree. There maybe a solution I have not found myself. Thank you in advance.

Too Much Discipline?

Thank you for your reply. Im some ways I think he is over punished too and makes me sad but there are so many other issues to the story. His real dad has been doing drugs for a long time and even this past xmas day, my son walked in on him doing a line of crushed narcotics. My son thought it was cocaine. His dad explained how this is a quick effect for his pain. But if the kids were to crush tylenol or even something really bad and snort it for a headache or such...they could die. Major issue. So this is another issue on the table. So we have severity here. Took him to court but we still have to share custody and he even gets visitation still. I do not want my children to be like this. His father also quites jobs every other week. I want my children to be sucessful and out of my house before 30. Not tring to be mean, but that's a reality. My children are also latche key kids. The are very well educated on survival and fire and medical issues and taking care of themselves. They are of higher maturity than most 10 and 7 y.o.. They are more like 9 and 12 or 13 y.o. They can even cook and clean and house work...laundry, dishwasher, cleans the bathroom, and cutting grass. Even pulling weeds. My 10 y.o. even works on a farm occasionally for cash. This of course is someone we know and he likes it and its fun to him. These are not chores either. They do these jobs at free will and make a little cash here and there. We pay as they do a job...just like work. They save for vacation or to just go to the store for a new game. So with this information do you still think a week or two is enough. Maybe the paragraphs should be decreased. Yesterday, I showed up at the house when they did not know I was coming. My son was watching tv and had been playing playstation. This was within the first 25 minutes of being off the bus. He can't even follow the simple rules of no tv. Any suggestions. I don't ever want to be known as abusing my children. I just don't want them to go the wrong path. 10 is too soon for this. I accept all replies even if I disagree. There maybe a solution I have not found myself. Thank you in advance.

this is indeed a more serioud situation, than i knew form you first story, but i still think punishing him so severe isn't the solution. because his father is doing drugs you should clearly explain to him wat effect it has on him, and i don't know how his father looks, but maybe you could let him see a really bad junkie sometime, so he'll know what he'll become if he does drugs. because he has an example that does drugs, you have to make him understand it, not just say you can't. It's like they can't curse in one house, but they can in another, then it's very hard to keep them from cursing. only this is clearly more serious. the tv issue might be because he is overpunished, or because he is just a kid. my stepson is 9, and he is of pretty hihg maturity too, but he's still a kid, so you shouldn't be treating him as an adult too much. in some things you'll probably see that he is just 10. i still don't know how long the punishment started, but i really think that making him understand the consequences is more important than the punishment, because he will have to make the decision on his own in the end, and if he doesn't know why he shouldn't do it, and he doesn't agree, he will still be doing it, but maybe in the house of your ex. so i think two weeks punishment will be enough, and some pictures of a film of how the body of a junkie looks like, i don't know if its something like the lunges of osmeone who smokes, but if it is so, you should ask your doctor if he can arrange something, and let him see a junkie or something. i'm sure he doesn't want to end up like them. like this, he can make his own choice, which will probably be the right one. it might shock him, but that is really what you need, cause a ten year old, can't really see the consequences himself.

the soga lives on

this is indeed a more serioud situation, than i knew form you first story, but i still think punishing him so severe isn't the solution. because his father is doing drugs you should clearly explain to him wat effect it has on him, and i don't know how his father looks, but maybe you could let him see a really bad junkie sometime, so he'll know what he'll become if he does drugs. because he has an example that does drugs, you have to make him understand it, not just say you can't. It's like they can't curse in one house, but they can in another, then it's very hard to keep them from cursing. only this is clearly more serious. the tv issue might be because he is overpunished, or because he is just a kid. my stepson is 9, and he is of pretty hihg maturity too, but he's still a kid, so you shouldn't be treating him as an adult too much. in some things you'll probably see that he is just 10. i still don't know how long the punishment started, but i really think that making him understand the consequences is more important than the punishment, because he will have to make the decision on his own in the end, and if he doesn't know why he shouldn't do it, and he doesn't agree, he will still be doing it, but maybe in the house of your ex. so i think two weeks punishment will be enough, and some pictures of a film of how the body of a junkie looks like, i don't know if its something like the lunges of osmeone who smokes, but if it is so, you should ask your doctor if he can arrange something, and let him see a junkie or something. i'm sure he doesn't want to end up like them. like this, he can make his own choice, which will probably be the right one. it might shock him, but that is really what you need, cause a ten year old, can't really see the consequences himself.

once again thanks for your insite. well we went to counseling today and my 10 y.o. son told ths counselor how he takes the bullets out of his dad's guns while he is there. one is a barretta with a clip and the other is a revolver/pistal where he takes the bullets out. the child even knows how to remove the bullets from the chamber. with further investigation he has even pointed it at his brother while they were messing with it. this information is so distrot, I can't stand it. to think a 7 and 10 y.o. could do so much. the 10 y.o. advises he takes the bullets out because he is afraid his dad will wake up and be mad and shoot them. he feels this will give him a headstart. needless to say, counseling has called child protective services today and who knows what is next. as far as punishment....I dropped the 500 paragraphs to 200. he is at 110 now. He has his radio back and has had over 6 hours of free time this week. (play playstation and has been in th back yard) he will be off grounding when school gets out. every few days I am giving something back as long as he doesn't get into more trouble. he has learned something out of this though. a couple boys were picking on his brother (7 y.o) and made very bad comments like wishing they were dead or get killed. the 10 y.o. advised his brother not to let it slide and to go tell the bus driver now. He advised this is better than getting trouble later when you fight them. I was shocked it came from his mouth. But he did right and the boys were kicked off the bus the rest of the year. way to go 10 y.o. thanks for all your input. Its hard toair your laundry but even harder to state your opinion. thanks again.

Too Much Discipline?

once again thanks for your insite. well we went to counseling today and my 10 y.o. son told ths counselor how he takes the bullets out of his dad's guns while he is there. one is a barretta with a clip and the other is a revolver/pistal where he takes the bullets out. the child even knows how to remove the bullets from the chamber. with further investigation he has even pointed it at his brother while they were messing with it. this information is so distrot, I can't stand it. to think a 7 and 10 y.o. could do so much. the 10 y.o. advises he takes the bullets out because he is afraid his dad will wake up and be mad and shoot them. he feels this will give him a headstart. needless to say, counseling has called child protective services today and who knows what is next. as far as punishment....I dropped the 500 paragraphs to 200. he is at 110 now. He has his radio back and has had over 6 hours of free time this week. (play playstation and has been in th back yard) he will be off grounding when school gets out. every few days I am giving something back as long as he doesn't get into more trouble. he has learned something out of this though. a couple boys were picking on his brother (7 y.o) and made very bad comments like wishing they were dead or get killed. the 10 y.o. advised his brother not to let it slide and to go tell the bus driver now. He advised this is better than getting trouble later when you fight them. I was shocked it came from his mouth. But he did right and the boys were kicked off the bus the rest of the year. way to go 10 y.o. thanks for all your input. Its hard toair your laundry but even harder to state your opinion. thanks again.

i'm glad i could help. i don't know everything, but if there are people with problems i always like to help them by saying what i know, and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. i find it very admirable that your ten year old gave that advice, and i would be very proud of him. i think you have done well in this difficult situation, and so has he, it maybe nice to tell him, if you haven't already. i hope there will be some change in the situation with the father.

i don't really have more to say than this,

good luck

and if you ever need some advice again, just post your question, and see what answers you get. sometimes outsiders see things that you can't see if you're in the middle of it

latest update

i'm glad i could help. i don't know everything, but if there are people with problems i always like to help them by saying what i know, and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. i find it very admirable that your ten year old gave that advice, and i would be very proud of him. i think you have done well in this difficult situation, and so has he, it maybe nice to tell him, if you haven't already. i hope there will be some change in the situation with the father.

i don't really have more to say than this,

good luck

and if you ever need some advice again, just post your question, and see what answers you get. sometimes outsiders see things that you can't see if you're in the middle of it

Well punishment is pretty much over. He has everything back but everything has a catch to it. The latest will shock you. While in session the other day...a discussion over dad came up and disclosed about playing with handguns at his house. My understanding is they remove the bullets in fear their dad will get mad and shoot them. Well, this leads to advisor calling child protective and an investigative being started. Well as protection would be needed for this...A Protection from Abuse has been issued by two judges. Plus a search warrant to search their dad's house for the guns and removal....this was at the judges discression. Serious offense now. Dad has called with a warning and has been recorded on voicemail...."just remember what goes around... comes around,...sooo be ready." This was in violation to the no cantact order in place (PFA). The boy has done excellent in this position. His dad was to go to his session and never showed. The more he kept watching the madder he got. He just opened the bag and let it all out. He even brought things out from long ago. I believe I did right on the punishment now. It has worked for so many reasons. This has made him open up and say what needs to be said. I told him...keep up good sessions and days like this and you will be home free. He has even been addressing issues with others. Which is good. We go to court soon. I will give you an update. Thanks

Too Much Discipline?

Well punishment is pretty much over. He has everything back but everything has a catch to it. The latest will shock you. While in session the other day...a discussion over dad came up and disclosed about playing with handguns at his house. My understanding is they remove the bullets in fear their dad will get mad and shoot them. Well, this leads to advisor calling child protective and an investigative being started. Well as protection would be needed for this...A Protection from Abuse has been issued by two judges. Plus a search warrant to search their dad's house for the guns and removal....this was at the judges discression. Serious offense now. Dad has called with a warning and has been recorded on voicemail...."just remember what goes around... comes around,...sooo be ready." This was in violation to the no cantact order in place (PFA). The boy has done excellent in this position. His dad was to go to his session and never showed. The more he kept watching the madder he got. He just opened the bag and let it all out. He even brought things out from long ago. I believe I did right on the punishment now. It has worked for so many reasons. This has made him open up and say what needs to be said. I told him...keep up good sessions and days like this and you will be home free. He has even been addressing issues with others. Which is good. We go to court soon. I will give you an update. Thanks

Please keep me updated, i'd like to know how your son is doing, i'm glad he's doing ok, and that he is opening up. he seems a strong person to me. well, good luck with everything.

NO...

I feel like I say it 2000 times a day. I have a one year old son and he gets into everything. He also seems to think it's ok to swat at me, and anyone else who gets too close. He also likes to jam his finger in people's mouths when they get close. I have no idea where he gets these things because I have never hit him- aside from a light swat on the back of the hand if he's grabbing at something that could hurt him, only after I've told him "no" about 5 times first. I think he's become immune to "no" now because he just doesn't listen anymore. I try to limit when I say it because I do realize he's a baby and is curious about things and wants to play. But, I do want him to listen to me and also not hit me or other people. Is there a way to disipline a baby without hitting or saying "no" to so many things daily? I do not want to spank him because I'd be a hipocryte if I am spanking him for hitting me. If the policy is "no hitting" I think I should have to follow it too.