Did Luke Skywalker Die a Virgin?

[A Note Up Front: Let's ignore all of the Star Wars Extended Universe fiction and only focus on the movies. I'm sure the EU answers this and, indeed, every other previously fun-to-debate Star Wars-related question, but the books are not only non-canon, they're absurd and embarrassing and anyone who disagrees is delusional. I've never even read a single piece of EU fiction 1, so the following argument will be built using the tools given to us by Episodes I-VI.]

As for my question, it's a fairly clear one: Did Luke Skywalker Die a Virgin?2

Let's get into some objections.

This is Stupid. Luke, As an Adult, Probably Had Sex, Maybe Even a Bunch of Times

Well, for starters, we never see Luke having, getting ready to have, or recovering from sex. With all of his training, fighting, flying and handlessness, one wonders if he would have even had time for sex throughout the entire trilogy.

Well, We Also Never See Han Solo Having Sex- Should We Assume-

No. No. We're not worried about Han Solo, obviously, the man oozes sexuality. Every time Solo is on screen it's a safe bet that there's a trail of weird-headed slave girls sex-coma-ing in his wake.

Yeah. Han got all sorts of into that.

Plus, even if no one was having sex during the entire trilogy, when it comes to Han or any character that isn't Luke, we can assume that they did some celebratory plowing after the events of Return of the Jedi or, at the very least, we can refrain from speculating wildly about their possibly lifelong virgin status. But it's different with Luke.

Why Can We Assume Chewbacca had Sex but Not Luke?

For one thing, Chewie's a stone-cold pimp, he's like a deep-dicking carpet. For another, Chewie doesn't have to answer to the Jedi Code, (or, indeed, anyone). Jedi Knights, on the other hand, are Warrior Monks. Their clothes are simple, their homes are just basic shelters, they generally shun material possessions and, according to Wookiepedia, live under an overall "philosophy of non-attachment." It was believed, in fact, that attachments "lead to the emotions of the dark side." Officially, marriage was outlawed and it is reasonable to presume that sex was as well; sex can lead to attachment, or overpower judgment, or distract you, or lead to any other number of awesome things that the Jedi Council looks down on. The life of a Jedi is a life of celibate isolation, which is why Anakin and Padme had to hide and lie about their marriage in Star Wars: Episode Whichever Shitty New Star Wars Movie They Got Secretly Married In.

To remain fair, honest and incorruptible, a Jedi is instructed to practice restraint and self-discipline and to conquer all emotions so that he is beholden to nothing but the Jedi code. They're like Priests, except they're also like magicians.

As a sidebar, Jedi Council? Terrible idea. The last person you want to condemn to a life of miserable, awful celibacy is the impossibly powerful person who knows magic and laser-sword-fighting. I once went through a long dry spell in college and was so sexually frustrated that I punched a hole through my roommate, and I'm not even a space wizard.3

So, if Luke ends Return of the Jedi as a Jedi Master and the sole protector of the sacred Jedi way of life, it is reasonable to conclude that he never had sex after Return, right?

Sure. What About Before the Rebellion? Isn't it Possible that Luke Was Straight Layin' the Pipe All Over Tatooine?

That is, I suppose, a technical possibility, but I still find it incredibly unlikely. It doesn't look like Luke has a school, or a job, or any neighbors. He's just a lonely farm boy, and I'm pretty sure his only friend is Biggs.

"Wow, even I forgot I was in this movie!"

But let's entertain this. Let's look at Luke from A New Hope and evaluate him as a-- we'll call it a "man," for now-- and see how he stacks up against other men. Let's really look at him:

Calm down, it's not actually shit.

Pretty damning evidence, but looks aren't everything, even in the far distant future-past, so let's consider the guy underneath those looks. It's important to remember that, even though Luke eventually became a war hero/laser-jouster, for most of his life he worked as an apprentice to a moisture farmer. "Moist" is inarguably one of the most distasteful words in the English language; how the hell was Luke supposed to get laid by bragging about how he spends all of his time raking it? Or...squeezing it, or massaging it... How do you farm moisture? Is it milking? Do you milk moisture? Like with your hands?

Okay, Jesus, Stop

Like you're milking a cow but just moisture slurps out, just, like, the concept of moisture spills out all over everything, ruins your space pants, maybe lands in your stupid, feathered hair and now you'll never get it out and-

Please

So you see my point, then. Whatever the unspeakably uncomfortable method of sweaty moisture extraction is, Luke does it professionally.That is the family business that he is expected to one day inherit. Christ, at least Biggs had a cape and could grow facial hair.

Luke's balls never had a chance.

Also, even if there WERE a few, desperate chicks wandering around Tatooine, I think you're ignoring a fairly important detail about our protagonist in Hope: Luke is a huge pus-

Luke is a Huge Pussy!

That's right, yes. Watch this clip from Hope:

Luke's moisture-farm-pioneer Uncle Owen wants Luke to take two droids over to his garage. Luke responds "But I was going in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!" Watch that video. Or, if you can't, here's just the audio. Listen to it. Do it again.

Once more.

Is Luke not the whiniest fucking person you've ever heard in your entire life? Here are a few more quotes from Hope. When you're reading them in your head, imagine them as being delivered by a cat going through a cheese grater, and that's roughly the set of pipes Luke is handling.

"Well, if there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet that it's farthest from."

Beru: "Where are you going?"

Luke: "Looks like I'm going nowhere."

"I can't get involved. I've got work to do. It's not that I like the Empire. I hate it, but there's nothing I can do about it right now... it's all such a long way from here."

"I can't see a thing in this helmet!"

"I'm a big fat baby with Chiclets for teeth."

For the first forty minutes of A New Hope, everything Luke says is a whine. Everything. Plus he's just naturally unlikable. The second he walks into Mos Eisley Cantina, he hasn't even done anything and bar patrons already hate him. Immediately, he gets told "I don't like you" point blank by Evazan (the pig-faced guy) and some fish-monster with a scrotum for a lower jaw.

What? Are you shocked that this is a picture of exactly what I just described?

Some people are just naturally unlikable, and all of those people also happen to hate Luke. So, you've got a whiny, unlikable, moisture-gurgling, emo turd who-- in a universe with only, like, six women to begin with-- has to compete in the field of boning with this guy:

Would you have sex with Luke?

No, No I Would Not

No, of course you wouldn't, and it's safe to say that, as long as Luke was the Nerd Mayor of Wuss Mountain over on Tatooine, nobody else would either. I wouldn't be surprised if the sister-kissing he did in Empire was the first piece of action he'd ever seen.

OH, That's Right, Leia! Is it Possible Luke and Leia had Sex Off Screen Sometime in Empire Strikes Back?

For one thing, Leia was never really into Luke, she only kissed him to piss off Han. Further, when L&L found out about their sibling status, you only have to look at their reactions to know that they never sealed the deal. To put it bluntly, when they find out they're related, Luke and Leia do not respond like a brother and sister who just realized they'd accidentally boned at one point would. They're both totally okay with it, which would not be the case if Luke had gone "lightsaber deep in Alderaan places,4" if you know what I mean. Think about it. If someone from your sexual past came up to you and said "Hey, I just found out we're technically, legally, literally and unquestionably twins," would you be cool about it? No, you'd lose it, you'd flip out, there would be vomiting. Luke and Leia are downright happy about how related they are, they couldn't be more thrilled, and that simply isn't how sticking siblings react to that news. This:

...is not the face of a woman who secretly worries that an inbred, flipper-handed, super-Jedi is going to force-push its way out of her womb in nine months.

Let's turn to the scoreboards now: Before the movies, Luke was an annoying teen. During the movies, the only available woman was justifiably lusting after the vest-wearing space cowboy, and by the third movie, Luke was already in full-on space monk mode.

So Your Conclusion is...

Luke Skywalker went from being a whiny moisture-monger to being a celibate Soldier Priest, which means he as a person was completely unlikable precisely up until the point that he became completely unfuckable. If we follow the logic as dictated by the Star Wars universe, not only does Luke Skywalker-- chosen one, savior of the universe-- die a virgin, but he has only one vaguely sexual experience. His first, his last, his only sex act was making his twin sister swoon.

"That's no swoon, it's an abomination!"

There is only do, or do not. And Luke did not.

1. Especially not Tales of the Bounty Hunters, which revealed that Boba Fett miraculously survived his encounter with the Sarlacc. I've never even heard of that awesome, awesome thing.

2. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Most of my best friends were, at one point, virgins.