New York, Yew Nork (UNN)—The September 11, 2001, attacks on the World Trade Center are officially the worst thing that has ever happened, according to a report released Friday by the Commission To Find Out What the Worst Thing That Ever Happened Was. The commission, made up of TV news reporters, politicians, and White House spokespersons, came to this unanimous conclusion after meeting for only half an hour. "Sure, there have been some pretty bad things just in the past hundred years," said newsmistress Katie Couric, "such as World War II, which killed 62 million people; the tyranny of Josef Stalin, which killed 25 million; World War I, another 20 million; and so on."

"And most of those weren't Americans so they don't really count," added Bill O'Reilly, a senior puppeteer for the Fox News Network. "In America, a million people die every year from heart disease. Shut up. Another fifty thousand die from automobile accidents. Shut up. Recently, the entire city of New Orleans was destroyed. Shut up. With all the horrible death that's going on, the innocent lives senselessly lost in great numbers, it seems difficult to name one thing that is worst of all... until you remember September 11th, of course. Shut up. The three thousand people slaughtered by those Islamic barbarians, who may have had ties to Saddam Hussein, were the victims of the most terrible thing to happen in the history of mankind. Shut up. Anyone who disagrees is a traitor and should be hanged. Shut up."

Most Americans view this as confirmation of something they've long known to be true. Says random person Joseph Thomson of Duhast, Mich., "When I saw those towers come down, I knew that nothing as terrible had ever happened before or would ever happen again. Those 3,000 people... just thinking about it brings a tear to my eye, although I wouldn't give a shit about them if they'd died some other way. I hate those Iraqi sonsabitches. I'm so glad we kicked their asses."

Another random American, Thomas Josephson of New York, Idaho, expressed similar thoughts. "I can't begin to describe the terror I felt on that day, and since that day I've lived in constant fear of being attacked. You can bet we didn't give those terrorists what they wanted. Thank God for President Bush, who is getting rid of all the liberties we had that would have let the terrorists destroy America. I don't understand why those Muslim fuckheads did this. It's not like America has ever done anything like that to other people."

Any sane person would see retaliation as the only sensible reaction to the attacks. However, there are a few who do not think so. Some of these traitors include obese filmmaker Michael Moore, who said, "I hate everything America stands for, especially the fact that I made so much money from my 9/11 documentary. Also, I'm really, really fat." Cunning linguist Noam Chomsky, another America hater, said, "I'm not a homosexual, and I've never performed any homosexual act before, but I wouldn't hesitate to fellate Osama bin Laden in gratitude for the wonderful things he's done."