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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Visits can really stink

Dude and Dolly's mom is supposed to get one court ordered two hour visit in the CPS office per week. We established that these visits would be on Wednesdays from 1:00PM to 3:00PM. All Mom has to do is call CPS within 24 hours to confirm that she will be coming to the visit.

I started calling the CPS at 4:00 today to see if Mom confirmed or not. I'm not going to keep the kids out of school and drive an hour west if Mom isn't going to be there.

After a couple of attempts, Minnie finally answered the phone and said that no, Mom hasn't confirmed the visit. She stammered a bit and said, "No, there won't be a visit. Well...unless Mom calls." I gently reminded her that Mom is supposed to call within 24 hours of said visit. Minnie said, "Oh. That's right. No. No there won't be a visit."

She then followed with, "You know how we said the kids would go to Dallas the first weekend of the month? Well, I've got training this Friday so we're going to do it the next weekend."

Oh shit. Um. NO. You never did confirm when the next Dallas trip would be. In all reality, I assumed there wouldn't be another Dallas trip.

This timing TOTALLY sucks. Dude and Dolly are going to fly off to Dallas on the very day that my family will be arriving from Iowa. You know – the family that actually pays attention to them all the time. The family that calls. The family that sends presents. The family that actually visits. My mom and dad, who live 1255 miles away, have actually had more contact with Dude and Dolly since they came to live with us than any of the rest of Dude and Dolly's bio family.

Nevertheless, the visit to Dallas has been scheduled. And the visit to Dallas must be kept. Dude and Dolly are just going to have to miss out on seeing the family they actually know and love. (And yes, this is how I worded it to Minnie.)

Now on to the other part of visits that totally stink...

Great Grandma P called me this afternoon. I didn't take the call initially because I was on a different call when she rang in. She left a message asking if we were going to be in town for a visit tomorrow.

What do I do?

Bio Mom is couch surfing but is primarily staying with Great Grandma P. If I get GGP involved in this whole visit fiasco, she could end up enabling Bio Mom more than she should. Then this whole case will drag out even longer. If I call GGP back and tell her that we aren't going to be there because her granddaughter didn't call in -- she's likely to try and get her granddaughter to call in and try to keep the visit.

But...then again...she might not.

Either way, I don't want to risk it.

I feel just awful ignoring Great Grandma P. In fact, I feel so awful about it that I did call her back once. She just didn't answer so I hung up. When she called back, I let it ring again. I absolutely adore Great Grandma P. But I think it's wrong to put her in the middle of the whole visit mess and I'm not sure what I'd tell her if I did actually talk to her.

You can't do everything for everybody. It's not your job to inform GGP. And you are correct the more visits the more it drags these kids through the system. GGP isn't entitled to visits, isn't part of the case, and isn't doing the kids favors by forcing their Mother to see them when clearly she can't get her act together.

I believe you did the right thing. My kids' teacher does not call me every day to tell me what he did wrong, and I do not call her every day to ask her if he has any homework he was supposed to do that I didn't know about.

Poor GGP. It's BioMom's responsibility to let her know if they're visiting or not, as hard as it is for you to be on that guilty-feeling end of it.

I believe it is the caseworkers responsibility to arrange family visits. I can't believe that the bio family even has your phone number. Even a great relationship should entitle you to your privacy. You for sure did the right thing.

If the grandmother calls back maybe even say that you don't feel comfortable sharing information with the current situation, and suggest the grandmother call the caseworker. That you respect her and think she is a great person for the children to have in their lives, but you cannot authorize a visit.

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The Cast of Characters

Cherub Mamma (me):Work at home mom trying to juggle the needs of all the members of the house while drinking copious amounts of caffeine and trying to not eat too much chocolate.

Mr. Amazing is the wonderful man that I've been married to for 21 years. He's a terrific husband and an amazing father to all of our children. Our marriage is something I am thankful for every day of my life.

Cherub 1 (AKA Herman): 18 year old boy. Amazing son of mine that is a true teenager! One moment he's mature, responsible and a contributing member of society. Then, in the next moment, I'm scared to death for his future and I feel like a failure of a parent. Herman is a kind and compassionate kid who is a wonderful big brother. Herman has ADHD and depression that is relatively well managed.

Cherub 2 (AKA TT): 11 year old boy. TT is incredibly insightful for his age. He looks at life differently than most. He is active and rambunctious. He's also my favorite cuddle bug. TT was our first foster placement ever when we fostered in Iowa. He was adopted at birth. TT struggles significantly with anxiety and was recently diagnosed with dyslexia.

Cherub 3 (AKA Bart): 10 year old boy. Talks more than anyone you'll ever meet. Is the happiest child I've ever known...except when he's ticked off. Bart is very positive and has an outlook on life that many in the world would benefit from if they could be a little like him. (According to my mother we should all #LiveLifeLikeBart.) Bart seems to find joy in the smallest of things. He also has significant ADHD (heavy on the "H") and keeps me on my toes!!

Foster Placements:

(January 26, 2015 - March 2, 2015)The Neverland Kids stayed such a short time because respite homes couldn't be found when my father suddenly passed away. I needed to make an urgent trip across the country and CPS insisted that I disrupt vs. respite care and return to me. It was not my choice to disrupt but I had to be there for my forever family!Captain: 5 year old boy. Oldest of a large sibling group (not all placed with us) including Pirate and Tinkerbell. He suffered a horrific trauma and we're all just getting to know each other. Pirate: 3 year old boy. Speaks a mix of English, Spanish and gibberish. Definitely needs speech therapy. He's very active and so far needs a lot of redirection.Tinkerbell: 13 month old little girl. Perfect baby in every way if you don't factor in the horrific trauma she was a part of. She has seen things that if I saw would make me a shell of a human being for a long, long time.(December 2013 - October 2014)Daisy: Came to me at 7 months old and left the day before her 17 month old "birthday". Daisy is a victim of Shaken Baby Syndrome. Caring for Daisy involved lots of work with specialists and therapists for PT, OT, ST and vision. When she left she functioned at about the developmental age of 8-12 months. (She was learning to walk but couldn't self-feed well at all and had almost no language.) Daisy went home to her mother, Kori. I pray daily that Kori is able to meet all of Daisy's needs and that she is able to protect Daisy from future abuse.Daisy came back in to foster care February 24, 2015 along with her newborn sister, Dandelion. CPS was finally able to get enough evidence that Kori was allowing contact between Daisy and her abuser. Sadly, my home was full with the Neverland Kids and I couldn't welcome Daisy back. My agency also wouldn't let me disrupt the Neverland Kids to take Daisy (as my relationship with Daisy had been much longer and so few homes are capable of meeting Daisy's medical needs). The Flower Girls initially went to a shelter. I was given no information about their new foster home when they were finally placed several days later.

(May 30, 2014 - June 20, 2014)Wispy: 20 month old little boy (when he was with us) who is tall and thin and has beautiful, blond, wispy hair. He arrived on a Friday night because his current foster family was in need of emergency respite care. He was supposed to stay three nights. The situation changed though and his first foster family is no longer going to foster. After much prayer, Mr. Amazing and I decided to make our house his home so he wouldn't have to move again and find yet another mommy in his life. CPS thought differently though and in order to make their paperwork easier, they moved him away from us back to his home county.

(December 2013 - May 2014)Ricky: Came to me at age 16 and left six months later at age 17. He's a victim of The System and - seriously - did not need to be in formal foster care. But due to the courts and things that happened beyond anyone's (except the judge's) real control, he was with us instead of with his godmother. At the hearing in May 2014, the judge finally saw reason when CPS couldn't give a good reason for him to not be with his godmother. He's still in foster care but will now age out where he belongs. We remain in a lot of contact!

(June 2011 to Sept. 2013)Much was written about these two wonderful children. Our hopes of intervening in their case and ultimately adopting them were dashed in September 2013. The children live with their grandmother in a situation that was never proven to be safe.-- as of October 2014, these cherubs are still in foster care with their grandmother. She has not been given full custody yet. I pray for them often.Dolly: Came to me at 3 1/2 and left the day before she turned 6. Sister to Dude. Gorgeous little girl that loves babies more than anything. Has a charming smile and a twinkle in her eye.Dude: Came to me at 2 1/2 and left at age 5. Brother to Dolly. Adorable dimples make his smiles melt my heart.

(Jan. 2, 2011 to Sept. 2, 2011)(Sept. 13, 2011 to Sept. 21, 2012)Pumpkin Pie: Came to me at 5 1/2 years old and was 7 when she left. Pumpkin was easy to care for but was very developmentally delayed. She functions around the age 18-24 months. Pumpkin completely opened my eyes to special needs parenting and the joys (cough cough) of special education. After much needless waiting and System screw ups, Pumpkin was finally placed with a very loving aunt and uncle.

(Sept. to Nov. 2010)MissArguePants: 8 year old (at the time) foster daughter. Textbook case of PTSD, ODD, anxiety and attachment disorder. Made life very interesting!TurtleTurtle: 9 year old (at the time) foster daughter. Diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, depression and more. Also made for an interesting parenting experience!--- MissArguePants and TurtleTurtle left our home after boundaries were crossed that threatened the safety of our forever children.

Other Characters:Mr. Wonky: not an actual person, but rather a state of dysregulation. Mr. Wonky "visits" our home regularly. He will visit all my kids from time to time. But he likes to complicate things for Cherub 2 the most.

Rainbow: currently the recruiter at our licensing agency. Prior to her current title though, Rainbow was our actual licensing worker. She has known our family for many years. She's the reason we're staying with our current agency as opposed licensing through a new one.

Cheerleader: currently the placing worker at our licensing agency. However, because our agency is incredibly small, and because they have extremely high turn-over, Cheerleader is also our family's licensing worker. She meets with the kids in our home as required by their plan and makes sure we're following all the minimum standards.