In her own words

Dear lonely person who is searching Match for friends and feeling miserable about it,
I am your counterpart. Gone are the days when I could proudly say that I did not need a website to give me companions. As a new patron to this wonderful town I am finding it difficult to meet people. Believe me I have tried all the traditional routs: My mother told me the best place to find available men was the grocery store, so I went seductively holding cucumbers and melons… the only attention I received was from the clerk when I knocked over a display of apples. I have tried the local nightlife scene, trying my best to be friendly and available with everyone, after the other night when a drunken gentleman threw up in my purse I searched for other venues. I have wandered the streets smiling at random people but, I always seem to get lost and end up at the police station 5 hours later begging a cop to drive me around so we can look for my car together.
So now here I am desperately searching Match for someone to entertain me. I'm interested in the non-serial killer type. Hopefully you don't make a living by selling crack to pregnant teens or dandelions outside the bar. You can't be the stalker type, if it doesn't work out please don't stand outside my window on the weekends and try to feed my cat rat poison. Please do not make skin sombreros in your basement.
So why should you be compelled to email me? Because if you have read this far you must be mildly interested in me or maybe find me slightly pathetic. I am educated, working on bachelors, I have a job, a great place, and a sense of humor. I take care of myself, love finding new places, and love to go out. I have an unnatural addiction to chap stick, I love cake, and am horribly afraid of snakes. I am a real, breathing, female... not someone trying to steal your email address and I promise not to sign you up for a porn website. If I don't email you back it's because I'm not that into you or I think you're creepy.
Cheers,