Entertainment

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

FULLERTON, CA—Having grown up seeing few characters he could relate to on the big screen, local man Jake Champney, who once jumped a motorcycle onto a hijacked bullet train, told reporters Tuesday that he never thought he’d see the day when Hollywood would tell stories like his.

OAKBROOK TERRACE, IL—In an effort to provide customers with the most affordable and convenient sexually explicit entertainment, Redbox on Friday debuted a new touchscreen on the back side of the automated kiosk for renting pornographic features.

WASHINGTON—Warning that a successful launch would constitute a grave threat to American population centers from coast to coast, leading analysts confirmed Wednesday that South Korea is currently developing a new pop group capable of reaching the United States.

NEW YORK—Saying the ghastly imitations were sadly not entirely surprising, sources told reporters Tuesday that a widely viewed documentary about a brutal murder had inspired a string of numerous copycat documentaries.

MANSFIELD, MA—Increasingly anxious at the distance between the lead vocalist and center stage, concertgoers told reporters Tuesday that they were worried Incubus frontman Brandon Boyd might not make it back to the microphone in time for the third chorus of “Wish You Were Here.”

LOS ANGELES—Unexpectedly penning lyrics about colorful autumn foliage and summer cottages on the shores of Lake Winnipesaukee, alternative rock band Red Hot Chili Peppers accidentally wrote a song about New Hampshire, sources reported Friday.

EDISON, NJ—Citing creative differences that had been festering for at least a decade, Chuck E. Cheese keyboardist Mr. Munch confirmed Wednesday that he had left the band to form a new prog-rock outfit, The Mr. Munch Experience.

I Do So Adore The Adult Theatre

Ah, the adult theatre! As a discriminating patron of the adult arts, nothing compares to a night out enjoying the lights, glamour, and pelvic gyrations of the adult theatre. Each performance is a glorious release, filling me with the joy and elation that only high smut can deliver.

Let me describe my perfect Saturday evening to you. It starts off with an early dinner, followed by a Bud tall boy or three. Then, it's off to the adult theatre to delight in some hot, throbbing facial action. Nothing could be more satisfying! If done properly, the adult theatre lifts the soul, frees the spirit, and engorges the genitals. Yes, only the adult theatre can transform the dull routine of the Everyman into something magical through staged acts of moaning, heaving, and fucking and sucking.

By any chance, did you happen to catch the Chrysti & Sindi Sextravaganza at Club Platinum last Thursday? Spectacular! Truly a night to remember. The musical numbers were exquisitely choreographed, as if angels themselves had descended from above to guide the action. Ever graceful, Chrysti glided gracefully up and down the brass pole to the strains of Mystikal's "Shake Ya Ass."

And Sindi? Oh, she was magnificent! From the moment she took the stage, a vision in rhinestone pasties, she held everyone transfixed. I don't exaggerate when I say she brought the house down with her show-stopping lollipop number. But the third act was the true coup de grace: Their bodies intertwined in sapphic splendor, Chrysti and Sindi wowed the crowd with their human-totem-pole trick. It was almost more than I could bear... a feast for all the senses!

Those who think adult theatre is only for those upper-crust types who attend live dramatic performances are quite mistaken. The adult theatre is for everyone, and it thrives in any number of formats. Much like an official cast recording can bring home all the magic of a Broadway musical, the adult theatre can be enjoyed at home with videotapes. In fact, many of the best adult dramatic productions are exclusive to home viewing.

Take, for example, Motel Sex, starring adult-theatre legend Asia Carrera. You could never find a production like that mounted onstage. The reason is simple: In order to capture the essence of a motel, it is necessary to use a real motel, and no stage set can achieve the level of verisimilitude demanded by adult-theatre connoisseurs. Oh, there are those purists who say you cannot duplicate the adult-theatrical experience within an electronic medium, but I say home viewing, when done properly, is every bit as good as a live show.

There are those who charge that the adult theatre is superficial. They claim it's all artifice, nothing but a lot of sturm und tang with no real substance undergirding it all. These so-called "critics" are sorely misinformed. If only they would let go of their conventional, preconceived notions of what "good theatre" is, they would see the beauty and timelessness of such tales as Cum-Crazed Slurp Sluts Vol. 14.

Still skeptical? As Exhibit A, I present to you the straight-to-video feature Farrah's Anal Adventure. I don't exaggerate when I say it made me dizzy with paroxysms of ass-eating joy! I also recently caught a big-screen showing of the classic Behind The Green Door, starring the Grand Dame of adult theatre herself, the lovely Marilyn Chambers. While I have seen the film at least 15 times, it never fails to raise my spirits and lower my pants.

I would be remiss if you, gentle reader, were to walk away from this column with the impression that every work of adult theatre is a fully realized piece of art worthy of plaudits. Sadly, this is not so. Take, for example, Blow By Blow, a regrettable 1997 Vivid Video misfire set in the world of boxing. The film's actors spend far too much time using their mouths for wooden dialogue and not nearly enough for hot oral action. Fortunately, I wasn't stuck watching Blow By Blow, as, along with it, I rented three superior titles: Night Creams, Fresh And Tasty #31, and Knee-Pad Nymphos. Let's just say I'm still cleaning the walls of my room. Still not convinced? Still cling to the belief that adult theatre is not for you? So be it! Clearly, some people were meant for Salisbury steak while others were meant for filet mignon. Well, you can keep your Salisbury steak, because the adult theatre is the life for me!

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.