Mnena: Pepper Spray? No! All I Need is a Ring

This week, I thought about buying a wedding ring. No I’m not trying to get married to myself a la Sue Sylvester in the much declined (how did it get so bad so fast!?) Glee. No, I’m not going to do the uber-feminist thing and propose to a man. You see, I just need a ring for protection. Not pepper spray, not a taser, a ring. I figure the absence of this special talisman on my finger was why men shouted things at me or said things to me on the road. Here’s a taster of some of the comments I have received: • “Big winch” (I was just coming out of Chicken Republic so I understand he was just concerned I was putting on too much weight) • “Fine girl” (I am 32 years old so this may be a compliment about how youthful I look. How kind!) • “Beauty!” (I was wearing no makeup; he was probably trying to raise my self-esteem) • “I want to lick your p***y” (This came with an accompanying tongue flicker. My skin still crawls remembering this) They tell you dress right. I’ve got that covered, literally, to prevent these sorts of remarks and yet the comments persist. So I need a ring to show these men that their fellow man has staked a claim on this property: me. They obviously don’t respect me because I’m a woman. However, they will respect a fellow man. Or so my thinking goes.

My friends (male) all say a ring will deter any future suitors. I asked them how many ‘how we met’ stories have begun with ‘I was walking down the road and Henry shouted ‘Fine Girl’ to me. We got married 3 months later’ or ‘I was cruising in my car and saw Titi. I just had to slow down and ask if I could drop her somewhere. We just welcomed our third child’ We all know that these random shouts are not about men wanting to get to know you and then introducing you to their family as the girl with the ass I was telling y’all about. We know it’s about them wanting to play poke-poke with us. It’s about power over women as well. At least Mr Lick P***y was forthright about his motivations and not saying I just want to be your friend. Dear Men, we know you saying you just want to be our friend means do you want some dick? {Chris Rock talked about it here}

When I walk on the road, I subconsciously swerve to dodge dick offers. I change my demeanor whilst walking. Kim Kardashian doesn’t smile in selfies for fear of wrinkles; I don’t smile as a way of stopping a professional imbiber of shekpe from saying something. A smile is like a slightly open door and these men slip in quickly before you can shut it. I also find myself making quick assessments about approaching men. Is he coming close to drop a comment? But I can’t let him see he’s made an impact, keep that Kim face going.

I think about like flipping the script sometimes and shouting come hither things at men like Leah Green of The Guardian did here. The britico men were bewildered and befuddled. But this is Naija, they’ll probably think it’s their lucky day and follow me. At some stage in life, you come to realize that there really isn’t much you can do to stop these comments.

You’re a woman and you will take it. You will take it from the man on the street. You will also take it from your colleagues, especially when it’s a male dominated environment. They will make you think you’re being uptight when the reality is your colleague is being inappropriate. If you’re lucky, you’ll have a woman to back you up. If not, you learn to swallow it and lift the edges of your lips in a facsimile of a smile.

My friends (male again) tell me to shout back at them or say a firm No. I did try that. All you’ll get with that is a man who will follow you for five minutes begging for your number. The act of speaking to them is a show of interest apparently. Instead of the onus being on me to curb men’s idiocy, why can’t men (not all men) police themselves and talk to women like we are normal human beings?

I got a lift with a female colleague and pointed out the guard who continually shouts “beauty” at me. She said she couldn’t remember the last time she got a comment like that. I said it is probably because you drive. Before the man can purse his lips to shout “Beau” she’s zoomed past. I can’t afford a car which speeds me past these men so a N500 ring will have to do. For now.

About Mnena Achineku

Mnena hates quirky things and can't come up with a bio. In any case, here are the basics. Writer. Lover of Small Chops. Fan of Hadley Freeman. Visit her website: Mnena.com and follow her on Twitter @mnena

Alibaba, Novia, Catholic women’s whatever and their cohorts will blame you for having the effrontery to be single, female and walking. After all, you knew you were a single woman, why are you walking, thereby forcing the men to yell obscenities at you? Instead of these “senior advisers” to advice their men against sexually harassing women, they will be dishing out unsolicited advice to women. Girl, don’t buy the ring. You don’t have to go that far, just download some music on your phone, put on some headphones and blast your music loud. When they know you cant hear them, they will ignore you.

@Nahum, i believe alibaba, Novia and the CWO woman have their inalienable right to expression of options. @Mnena, i think you should have over looked some of this, at the examples you gave of the market scenes these guys were trying to throw nice words at you to help sell their goods but the one i dislike so much is the holding by hand it happens to guys too, as for the office scenes, Please am trying hard to understand the type of workplace these vulgarities happen, and again has it become a reoccurring decimal that you now have to wear a ring…Just as you are running away from the bad guys by wearing a ring have in mind that the good guys will from afar see your ring and conclude oh she’s taken oh she’s engaged. I believe you should change the circles of friends, or change of work because i dont i am have a tough time thinking what your place of work looks like, know from my IT Days to other places i have worked though multinationals coys, to a stint in bank, In fact cases of harassment are not treated with kids glove, a manager and Customer service manager, the lady CSM entered to upload cash and the manager entered too to harass and so on… words went out infact by morning new manager has been drafted to the branch, Chief security officers have directed accordingly, Regional Managers were sent to maintain orderliness to the branch for weeks… and i dont know as for the person saying He wants to lick your pu..sy, I DONT UNDERSTAND DO YOU WORK IN A BUS TERMINAL OFFICE? I cant think of a lesser place PROFANENESS Could occur. Again no body is saying that these things dont exit but please is not a wildly accepted thing for guys, just as some of the female commenters have said they haven’t witnessed it shows its not an everyday thing just as the OP may be painting it, AND I Hate it when guys who have sisters at home wouldn’t respect other people’s sisters. Please men are better than these, if posts of prostitutes, Aristos, ladies internal wrangling, Husband snatchers, women quarreling, killing, verbal abusing their husbands, women adultery and so on start making rounds here every week maybe ladies wouldnt like it. These avalanche of comments wont come oh.

Ha ha! Nice one. Although, to be fair, not all guys are so… base. There are some well-behaved, properly socialised men out there.

But I’m afraid your assessment is all too true. At the risk of launching a man-bashing session, it is a constant wonder why free-flying “birds” are so offensive to the male specie – it matters not that they’ve secured one at home, shackled down with kids in fact and probably having engaged a willing service provider – on retainer even!

Unh-unh. If it’s out there, free and flying and carrying on like that’s OK – well it’s not. It must be shot down and “poked”.

Girl…the ring doesnt help o! The security guard of the building next to my office would always say ‘i love u baybay’ each time i walk past…even though the bling on my finger is really huge and sometimes he sees me with le boo in the the car whenever he has the chance to come pick me up o! Infact he will be smiling at the car with all his teeth out like a goat in labor, so i have come to accept that his own case is a hopeless one! personally i think some men are just perverts and nothing will stop them from spitting out what is in their rotten insides

As for that ring of a sumtin, I been need to acquire one in my undergrad days oh, when certain randy Nigerian male lecturers and their uninhibited libidos refused to let female students rest. Yes oh, it was a source of protection for me in those days when men still showed a form of respect towards “property” of other men.

However, I hear say nothing dey block the toasting nowadays, be it wedding/engagement ring, holy water or silver bullet. In fact, my cousin told me over the holidays that one lecturer already failed her last year for refusing to sleep with him and another lecturer has already told her this year that she should go and “book a hotel room”. I’ve informed her that my prayers are going to be firmly targeted at disrupting the current peace of mind of this individual because if it means that a health issue or similar calamity has to strike him or someone close to him to the extent of refocusing his mind, then so be it. Note, I’m not praying for his demise, just a prayer for the fragility and more crucial issues of life to be revealed unto him. You wan rape student wey dem send you go teach, abi? You must be a mad idiot.

My cuz na smallie, oh, so she no go fit pull am off. Ah! Before, in her ineptness at setting him up, the man come overpower her. I’ve had to warn her to be very careful about the amount of visibility she has around these animals in her department and in the meantime, na prayers I dey pray.

honestly, somtyms i feel dis way too, like can i av d damn ring on already, jst dis morn a very junior colleague walked up to me whyl i was trynna take milk from d cabinet in my office and wispered to my ears ” i can squeeze out d original milk from u if u allow me, let jst go to one corner and make it happen” i almost cried, only d grace of God held my hands from slapping him, i warned him sternly but den i reasoned dat if i had dat ring on, this guy would av shown some respect at least

I mean. What is this rubbish? In the workplace, kwanu?? No fear in the mind of the malignant gorilla sef, for the establishment that he was currently in?

Tomorrow, there will be all kinds of allusions about BN commenters being male bashers but men don’t see these aggravating bloody FACTS of life that Nigerian women have to deal with. And I even fit get mouth to ask “why you no slap am” as I’ve been there myself. Shared on this blog before about one older man of an office administrator at the firm I worked who took an unhealthy liking to me. Married man oh (I been hear say im wife na policewoman sef) and yet he would make lewd comments when we were in any part of the office alone and as a fresh graduate in my first (male dominated) workplace, I literally had no idea how to handle sexual harassment so I would just vex and walk away. Until one day he casually brushed his hand across my nipple. With me in full cloth, reaching up to pull out a law report from a shelf. Oh my Lord God in Heaven!!!! I finally found the courage to scream at him, issuing the threat of telling my (fictional) boyfriend who would be sure to retaliate with a beating. Na then the man almost kneel for ground, come begin beg me and can you imagine that’s how the chapter of my sexual harassment ended? Because he saw the physical beating as a possible repercussion for his evils? Until then, nothing I’d said to dissuade his attentions had worked and I will forever regret not just reporting his actions and getting him sacked because only God will knows how many other young females in that firm he’s similarly forced himself on.

My Cameroonian friend who works here in the UK told me of a Nigerian who had been disturbing her at the office and how he blatantly told her that if she’s left in the same room with her, he’ll get her pregnant. I was mad as heck that she didn’t report him to HR. Ladies, please, don’t be shy about reporting sexual predetors – if they lose their jobs then maybe they’ll learn a valuable lesson. You are not a winch for insisting on your right to not be harassed in the workplace.

Ah for obodo oyinbo, na straight to HR oh. No time for rubbish. In this here yankee, i have become an expert record keeper. I document every single thing and I save every email. I don’t have time for rubbish.

Remain for one of my ogas that tried me to kneel down and beg. By the time i released emails, ims and all to our controller, oga no try me again. And this was not even sexual harrassment oh. Retirement for come early be that.

@Cheryl, I almost slapped my screen…wishing it was d guy you spoke of… my eye is still seeing blue black!

Personally oooo, on the article’s subject in itself doesnt bother me much, and its more than Naia men….. my few years living in london revealed similarities with men on both sides (once had a sane and nice looking oyibo investment banker at bishopgate/liverpool street station complement my hot summer look, then proceed to ask me if I had panties under my skirt…all, within mins of meeting me)- I’m not easy to shock, so he got me good!!!……. I for one dont mind occassional mischief and I am naturally playful, so if he feels like calling our ‘beauty/fine girl etc….all day, na im sabi…. However, if you abuse me, expect a hot comeback… then when you INSIST on invading my immediate space or taking liberties like that colleague above…nwokem all bets shall be off!

I’ve not even thought of ring protection b4 cos I know it doesnt help much….in bad cases, when u give it back to them it in the language in which they serve it (in my case its either english, pidgin, yoruba, or igbo- and I respond accordingly) shock is their first response, b4 they start thinking of what next, by which time I’d have moved on….On the days when I cant be bothered, I’ll stroll with my ears plugged and good music playing…

.A few years ago my source of daily harassment was a permanently drunk man on my street where I live….. always calling out ‘ashawo….etc, and hurling abuses, till d day I looked him in his red eyes and promised him death if he ever spoke to me again in his life and told him its his mother thats an ashewo, then I almost ran him over on another day…….. fastforward to now and he stops traffic for me on my street when I’m driving out…..we’ve become area ‘friends’ and I’m one of the few people that can check him when he’s being badly behaved….. he is one of the many untreated mental cases in lagos, so he has his days, there’s no type of trouble he hasn’t entered…police o, soldiers o….any and every! Most of these nuisance people generally calm down once they dont smell fear around you.

You should walk up to him and warn him very sternly to never speak to you in such a manner again. In fact, he shouldn’t even speak to you about anything unrelated to work. Please do this asap. There’s no taking the high road here. You already showed him more respect than he deserves by not slapping him silly.

Haha I can totally relate …. some of us singletons are really suffering at times….there are one or two routes I avoid at all cost just to avoid such unwanted attention….this article is so on point…kudos!

In balogun a man, holding your hand will suffice…Usually when I go to balogun in a t-shirt and thick denim jeans, I am whistled at, howled at, grabbed in fact the list is plenty i’ve never left the market without smacking some idiot, so imagine my surprise when I went with le boo (holding my hand throughout) while wearing a sleeveless slinky above the knee, clingy black dress, I didn’t hear one rude word, neither did I hear a whistle or a catcall and no1 even dared touch me…I couldn’t believe it! Most Nigerian men still have along way to go…

2 stories. While single d door man of a fast food joint winked at me n said ” Hello b*#”#h” I kept calm, bought my stuff then came back n gave him a lecture. That they say it in movies does not make it sexy, biko. Married as ever, a teenage boy saw me in d market and said “Hey Shorty!” Or something like that. O di egwu O Let us continue to educate one another. Live and let live abeg.

If you talk now, guys like Bruno will say we are bashing men. We don’t like to bash men. Some of us have met real nice gentlemen and we have decent brothers and friends. It is just that sometimes…But seriously, some men need to give it the verbal assault a rest. If you are a young woman walking down the streets of any city in Nigeria (I have experienced it from Kano to Asaba) expect to be verbally assaulted by men screaming all sorts at you; ‘My wife, Chi chi come buy market, Blackky, fine girl, Ashewo, Our nyansh, Princess, Baby,” and some in the markets especially the Ibo guys it seems have a penchant for pulling your hand, buy this buy that. Okada men o, bus drivers o, group of guys at the street corner, traders all are guilty of it. I thought I had heard it all until today when Nnenna stated that someone actually told her ‘I want to lick your p&&sy! Haba now! Everyday I encounter a badly behaved man in the office or in public. It just makes me more determined to raise my sons (when I do have) right.

We are fed up! And when we complain they’ll make all sorts of accusations. I don’t understand why Nigerians must blame victims. If I am walking jeje in my sexy dress or my oversized boubou, what gives you the nerve to make calls at me???? And when I complain, your tiny male brains will blame for complaining. You want to match somebody’s leg and tell them how to cry. Rubbishhh

I quit jogging in my neighborhood because of all the lewd remarks. I thought jogging at dusk would have spared. Alas, no such luck. One idiot even started following me. Its hard being a woman on the streets of any city in this country or markets for that matter.

My dear, the solution is to wear earphones and listen to really loud music.( facing on coming traffic o) the best time to jog is in the morning,cos e be like say their mouth never open well well By that time. In the evening they’re usually not hurrying off somewhere ,so they have enough time to talk their rot.

ring? My sister there is no defence. the men that have left their human covering God blessed them with and have decided to be pigs have no respect fro women, married or unmarried. Just yesterday my friend told me that her male colleague told her to inform me that “he liked my cups” whatever the hell that means, The cups he has been looking at will prevent him from seeing anything else talk less of ring. Par-vart!!!

Why did my eyes get Blood shot red at the milk comment….And shorty…Bitch??? What is wrong with these people??? But omo not only 9ja ooo. So, for a certain land… on the subway na….no so an acquaintance caught this particular XY chromosome individual masturbating on the subway in full glare of everyone when she caught him na…na so said individual mouth “show me your p****y” in broad day light on subway. Getting off this dude actually had the effrontery to mouth ***Thank You**** This no be 9ja my people. I know fear of the law stops many a men in western countries but dogs exist every where. God deliver us from Evil!!!! What we need in Nigeria are laws that protect our basic human rights irrespective of gender. To be honest my experience with harassment in Nigeria has been with fellow women. Like the “preacher” that yelled at me “show me your brassiere” because my neck line was too low for her righteous eyes and she was a lady. With men I guess I just get my Kim K face on even at our airports. It works too.

Name and shame them. Who was going to create that website to name and shame these harassers? Honestly, we need to do it. Pictures and videos. Na to make homemade pepper spray be that: atarodo, alligator peppper, lemon juice and vinegar.

This reminds of my time in the bank at a market branch. I was toasted by all manner of people. It was embarrassing. My colleagues used to yab me so much. I decided to stop smiling at customers, but my boss was now on my case about not smiling. Then I figured getting a ring will help. Luckily God delivered me from that job.

Wow, i guess i am not alone contending with the sexual harassment. The most annoying is the one that comes from married men. They just seem to have no shame.

Even my boss who i was very close to and took as a mentor eventually hit on me. I regretted the mistake of giving him gist of my personal life that i’m single and searching, thinking i was telling a big brother not knowing he would capitalise on that to ask me for sex unabashedly. Since then i distanced myself from him except when we need to work together.

ThankGod he understands my stand and is looking elsewhere. i was really hurt because we were close and i looked up to him. But now i know better not to put anyone on a pedestal thinking they are perfect. I also knew better that i had to define the kind of mentor he was to me. He remains my career/professional mentor only as he has the best work ethics and i still respect him for that, However he is not and will never be my personal life mentor. On that i know who i am and will never compromise my standards Godwilling. I also thank God for maturity to be able to handle all these harassment. Can’t wait for the ring already. cos that seems to be the only way to deter them. it is well.

Hmmm this is serious. I haven’t experienced this though but I suppose it’s because according to some folks at work the look on my face will make you think twice before you speak to me. I’ve got my bitchy resting face on at work, outside my home and some certain locations.

… and by the way! Did anyone click on that link in the post to watch the video of Leah Green playing out scenarios and sexually harassing those unsuspecting men? Hilarity!!!! I just did and my goodness, how I laughed and laughed.

Kai! And what got me the most was the aggrieved reactions she was getting every time she said something lewd. It was just amazing to see how the male sex weather the discomfort of unwarranted attention/comments.

@Mz Socially Awkward, why tell your cousin to reduce the visibility the lecturer has on her, Are you in any way implying that been more visible to the lecturer would make the lecturer long for her….Now i think you should have given more cogitable piece of advice but you ended up not giving any good advice…AND YES it boils down to that little piece of advice that catholic women organisation woman gave that you girls called for her head, about ladies not exposing their body you see is not all easy to give a piece of advice but left for me exposing your body is a contributing factor even if its 2% or 1.5 percent. Look at it this way, your sister came to school to read not to hide from any lecturer and prayer doesn’t work like that, So i believe a more workable piece of advice should be given and not visibility reduction.

Oya, give your own “cogitable” advice, now. Ehn, Mr. Man? After you talk finish, you no include am.

For your own information as well, I’ll always believe in the power of prayers so maybe that’s what makes them work for me. They may not work for you and I don’t know why but I’d hesitate to put out a statement like you’ve done about them not working at all.

My ex hubby’s friend who ws d one tryin to settle dispute btw my ex I started mkin passes @ me, He said stuffs like he knws its been a while I had sex n he knws dat I must be feeling hony. I wonder wot men tk us for.

It never gets better. I never had a man figure growing up. Dad died early and there was no brother. I grew. Up thinking the. Worst about men. I saw them as pervs, scumbags and filths. I Remember mum coming back almost everyday from work crying and lamenting how these sexual harassment will not stop. I am always crushed cos I hate seeing her in pain and helpless. I had a rapid growth, matured early. My hatred for the men folk heightened. I was 12 and overly possesive of my body that I won’t even let u see me hang my bra when I wash them. I always pick a spot where no one will see the bra. Then one day, our filthy stupid doctor friend drew me into his lap in our sitting room put his mouth in my mouth and squeezed hard on my innocent small breasts. Then let go of me and smiled mischiieviously. I cried, I felt pain in my breast always before, the act seems to worsen it. I couldn’t tell anyone. Mum trusted him I then became threatened by every man but not anymore. I had countless unpleasant experience of them growing up. I remember one again. Was a weird statement from one of those oso ahia boys in yaba. It was my first day at yaba and also my first time in lagos. Didn’t know that the worst of them were groomed there. I was comfortable with them when I noticed that most of them were igbos. One of them in the guise to show me where to buy bedspreads held my hands took me straight to his wacky friends.he thought I wasn’t igbo he then said. Chai! Leekwanu ihe nwoke ibem na-eri. Ihe di mma ruoo mu aka. That translates. See what my fellow man eats. May good fortunes befall me. He referred to me as food. I felt so embarassed that I had to free my hands from him and walked away as they laffed and jeered. My roommate sold the ring idea to me. And it works well most times.

truth be told, i have experienced this countless times. The most embarrassing one was d day i went for my cds meeting, and dis funny looking guy started following us ( was with my friends) and was saying, ” c bum bum c breast! ha! dis girl u go sweet ooo” i felt like dying dat day, infact if am going out of the office i put on a ring on my wedding finger to avoid things lik dis. i even have big booty and boobs and am a bit plum so u can imagine. really can wait to get married.

Why am I only receiving this notification today? I had a similar conversation with a Romanian friend and she expressed that Nigerian men, although at times flattering, border on stalking. She even gave me an elaborate story and I honestly was embarrassed. I have been stalked and cat called as a man and I wonder how women have put up with this their entire lives. Kudos to you ladies.