Wanda called this afternoon and informed me that she would be off to a spontaneous hen night. One of her longtime out-of-town pals had super-special sneak preview tickets to… You Don’t Mess With The Zohan. Neither of these ladies are Adam Sandler fans in particular, but it’s more of an excuse to get together.

If that gives you a moment for pause, you’re not alone. Don’t get me wrong, Sandler was a funny guy back in 1995, and there are exactly two Sandler films made back then that I continue to like today. Although to be more precise I like them because of Bridgette Wilson and Julie Bowen, respectively. Sandler himself hinted at superior, latent acting skills in 2002’s Punch-Drunk Love, but a better quality of acting doesn’t make up for a lesser quality of script. It felt a lot like tagging along to the psychotherapy sessions of a not-particularly-likeable family, and watching it all unfold in Matrix slow-motion bullet-time. Without any bullets. Or anything interesting happening at all.

Believe me when I say that every person involved in the making of that film should be kicked in the nads, twice.

Wanda tried to emphasize the bright side, saying that there was a chance her friend would bail out and not go. Oh no, I said, you’re going. Even if your friend does bail out. Once you have assented to see a bad film (and a sneak preview of one, at that) under dubious pretenses, there is no escape. When I get home, I am putting the deadbolt on, and until I see the written film review being slid under the door, there will be no admittance.

The unwritten rule of the Critic’s Code is that once in, you are honour-bound to see that crappy film come hell or high water. I once sat though a theatre screening of The Specialist with a high school pal. Definitely the worst film I have ever voluntarily viewed in a theatre; unremittingly bad from start to finish. I remember it today only because of an hilarious and unpleasant moment, where the theatre patrons collectively said “Doh!” and spilled their popcorn trying to shield their eyes from Stallone’s shower-scene butt-nudity.

Somebody who sees a lousy film and doesn’t warn their neighbour is like a soldier who spots an ambush but inexplicably fails to warn his platoon. Hollywood is dropping these lousy, uninspired bombs on us all the time. You are your neighbourhood’s air defence regiment. Put some flak into those suckers and defend your ten bucks like you mean it.

Wanda said there were a few moments where she laughed out loud… but on the whole she is glad she did not pay to see this film. The film relies heavily on stereotypes (whether Arab, Israeli, redneck, etc) for laughs and their relentless use becomes somewhat overwhelming.
She also mentioned that hummus figures prominently in the film. The exact words were something like “I had no idea Israelis used so much hummus”.
Oh, and there is a certain amount of implied and displayed geriatric sexuality, so uh… I don’t know whether that would be considered a positive or a negative for adolescents and young adults. Rates a big fat “Eeeeeewww” from me though.