Yes, it's me again. I still can't believe I have this illness. It's still SO hard to accept. Thank God for my VERY loving family and friends. I wouldn't have the will to keep living if it weren't for them.

I am still waiting on my geno/pheno results and IT SUCKS! I hate this stupid waiting game. It's been two weeks since I got the blood drawn and the results haven't come back yet, so I still can't see the infectious disease doctor. I am on the verge of a panic attack!! But to be fair, they did tell me that it would be 2-3 weeks before I got the results.

The nurse at the office is wonderful. I talk to her on the phone every other day to complain and she's very understanding. I am still very scared and it's still so hard to believe that I'll likely have to live with this for the rest of my life (unless they discover a breakthrough. i am VERY hopeful for that).

I still feel very guilty that I allowed this to happen. A plumber today at work was talking to me because he and his co-workers have seen me before at the job (I'm new) and he joked that I looked like a model. And I thought, if you only knew HIV. I feel like that negates every desirable aspect about me.

Since I haven't been seen by the doctor yet, I attribute every ache and pain to HIV and I don't know how to separate what's my imagination, what's anxiety and what's the actual illness.

Since I just started my new job, I am going to have to deal with pre-existing condition BS with my insurance, though the diagnosis actually came after my coverage began. I also had individual coverage for more than a year before my coverage began, so they can't apply that to me. But still, it reminds me that now I am "unhealthy." Imagine that. I'm 28, exercise 5 times a week, eat healthy, I floss, I have never smoked and in one day I go from being a picture of health to very sick. That's so hard to accept.

This is all still an emotional rollercoaster. Last weekend I was feeling more positive now I am down again. The city Health Department contacted me wanting to know how I got the virus bla bla bla. I respect that they are doing that but it's still another reminder that I have HIV. I just want to forget that it's there.

Unlike most people, I am looking forward to taking medication. I want to feel like I am being proactive and getting this thing under control. I want to know that I am doing what I need to live a normal life. I feel like this virus has destroyed my identity, that it's completely changed the way I see myself.

I'm still having a hard time sleeping at night. I have to use sleeping pills now despite that I am quite tired when I go to bed. My every thought revolves around this illness. I feel sometimes like it's consuming me. I just want to see the doctor already and hear her tell me that my prognosis is excellent.

I pray now for strength and guidance. In several ways before and after I found out I have HIV things have been going my way. Things have set themselves up for me to be able to deal with this. It's strange but I find strength in believing someone upstairs is looking out for me and that maybe this HIV was a way of telling me to get my life straight and focus on what's really important.

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