Thursday, September 08, 2005

Me, Lil Kim, and an Old Ladys chin.

its been a while since ive posted hasnt it? youre probably thinking to yourself -is jon ok? did one of those big boned hookers he mentioned choke him to death in the throws of asphyxiated passion and leave his slippery, shiny, lubricated body in the basement of a midtown hotel? did he finally realize his dream and get a gig sanitizing the leotards for cirque de sole? did he just decide to give it all up and join the NHL? where could he be?

well get your panties out of your ass, im right here. because its been so long im just going to draw up a list of things ive done in the past few days, it makes it much easier than scanning all the newspaper articles or linking all the blogs that cover the many fascinating activities i engage in on the daily. anyway, here is what went down with me:

-i started the semester at school, and maybe this is because its the adult fraction of the university system, but all the women in my classes look like they have had about 8 babies and the men look like bus drivers [that have just finished yet another very large mayonaisse and bacon sandwich].

-i went to a barbecue at my boss' house and ended up drinking too many glasses of wine and doing too many lines of cocaine. this made me feel like a pile of shit for two days after [speaking of shit, the next day i took a big fat one and then kinda admired it for a second before flushing the toilet, it was impressive. you should have been there]

-i saw images of people that looked like family members of mine walking in a daze through the nightmare that is now new orleans and i broke down and cried. i realized just how alone we, as black people, are in america. i cried and thought of how no one that could wield any power [i.e. politicians, big corporations] were down there. how people, poor people, and mostly black people, were left in a horror to rot in their own filth. i cried because the people there just wanted to see a clean face, a face that would be of some hope, to tell them that things were going to be ok, even if it was a lie, and how they just needed to know they werent forgotten while their babies were raped and their missing family members floating corpses decomposed in the flooded streets [i'm usually pretty detached from these things, figuring the world is filled with suffering and thats the end of that. but for some reason this one deeply affected me. it just shouldnt have gone down that way].

-i finished the newest Brett Easton Ellis book and the best line in it was, "First the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man," and the rest of it was written like a bad Steven King novel.

-i swatted the bottom of an old womans chin, just to watch it flap around. it was totally worth it.

-i paid Source magazine 15 thousand dollars [or, more accurately, the equivalent to that in "tales of adventure"] to give Lil Kims new album 5 mics, rendering it an instant classic. hopefully this will make her enough money to retouch all her plastic surgery when she gets out of the pen. i did it for america, not for her. no one wants to see a saggy Lil Kim.

-i watched some amateur porno, but didnt see anyone i knew. i never do, yet i keep on watching. i am truly a model of hope and ambition.

-i remembered my birthday is coming up in a week and i felt the walls of time folding in above me.

-i watched tv and waited for things to get better and i avoided blogging like the plague.

thats about it, if you can think of anything else i did, please send me an email or leave it in the comment box.