Tuesday, December 11, 2001 Edition: #2194The boss has the holiday spirit. He threatened to deck me in the hall!

BS EUPHEMISMS FOR SANTA’S BATHROOM BREAK:
• “Santa’s gotta make like a bell and tinkle.”
• “Santa’s gotta go empty his toy sack.”
• “Santa’s gotta go scold an elf.”
• “Sorry kids, but you can’t buy milk and cookies, you can only rent ‘em.”
• “Santa’s gotta go do something about his South Pole.”
• “Santa’s gotta go drop another Yule log on the fire.”
• “Santa’s gotta Dasher outta here before he makes Blitzen in his pants.”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Alanis Morissette receives the ‘Global Tolerance Award’ at United Nations HQ in NYC for making ‘outstanding contributions to promote tolerance through the arts’ (her acceptance speech — “Thank you India . . .”) . . . Jim Carrey is applying to become an American citizen, because he ‘admires the United States for allowing him to pursue his dreams’ (before you label him a traitor, keep in mind he’s now lived there 5 years longer than he did here) . . . Arnold Schwarzenegger has made his deal to star in ”Terminator 3″, for a record $30 MILLION (or about a million bucks for each word of dialogue) . . . The release date for ”Harry Potter & The Chamber of Secrets” has been announced — November 15, 2002 — almost exactly a year after the first film . . . Bill Clinton has reportedly been spotted taking a meeting with Disney chief Michael Eisner about doing his own TV talk show, possibly as early as NEXT YEAR . . . George Lucas says he’s recently completed work on the 1,000TH SPECIAL EFFECTS SHOT for “Star Wars: Episode II — Attack of the Clones” (wow, this one may have an even thinner storyline than the last) . . . Actress Michael Michele is checking out of “ER” after 3 seasons as ‘Dr Cleo Finch’ because she’s tired of the cross-country commute to work in LA (heard of renting?) . . . And Pam Anderson is asking for full custody of her 2 kids with Tommy Lee, claiming he’s a ‘very angry, unstable man who presents a danger to others when he drinks’ (honey, you married a rock drummer, duh!).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Robert De Niro plays an aging thief blackmailed into doing one last heist in the crime thriller “The Score” (also featuring an aging and bloated Marlon Brando) . . . And two of the summer’s biggest blockbusters – Sam Neill, Téa Leoni & William H Macy star in “Jurassic Park 3″, the first of the dino adventure series NOT directed by Stephen Spielberg, but it managed to scare up some $360 worldwide . . . Jackie Chan & Chris Tucker return in the mega-hit action/comedy sequel “Rush Hour 2″, this time tracking a bomber in China.

DVDS ARE SRO:
According to industry experts, DVD players have become the fastest-growing consumer electronics product of all time. (Which, according to the Betamax theory of the universe, means it’s just about time for a new format.)

ROAD WARS:
A survey on in-car arguments finds the most common causes are — ‘bad map reading’, ‘back seat driving’, ‘interior temperature’, and ‘choice of radio station’. (They missed the biggest – ‘marriage’.)

SANTA STATS:
The average mall Santa Claus is 44-years-old, 6 feet tall, 220 pounds and has 3.2 children of his own. (A wet knee, hemorrhoids, and a flask hidden in his sack.)

DECORATING DUOS:
In a study on relationship satisfaction, psychologists at Syracuse University say couples who decorate their Christmas trees together have happier marriages. (Except when it comes time to untangle the lights.)

SPRAY-AGRA:
Scientists at Concordia University in Montréal have developed a SPRAY-ON aphrodisiac
that stimulates sexual-response centers deep in the brains of both men and women. (I’m pleased to report [your co-host] has also been using a spray to improve his sex life lately — it’s called deodorant.)

BEAN COUNTERS AT BASHES:
A new report says that accountants are the most likely to transform into drunken hell raisers at office Christmas parties. (Some get so outrageous, they almost become interesting.)

STAR COPIES:
In Hollywood there is now a salon that will do makeovers to make you look like a celebrity. In example, for $3,000 you can look like Cher. (Cher was actually the first one in line to look like Cher.)

CHEAPSKATE SHOPPERS:
A shopping survey reveals that 69% of us have, at one time or another, purchased something we didn’t really like — just because it was on sale. (No kidding. They’re called Christmas presents.)

HYDRANT HOTEL:
There’s now a new luxury hotel in NYC just for — dogs. (Its expensive. A drink from the toilet is 9 bucks!)

FISHY STORIES:
• A fashion designer in Chile has launched a new line of bikinis made from — salmon skin. It’s the first time salmon skin has been used for clothing. (Except by salmon, that is.)
• In Miami, a man has been sentenced to 13 months in jail for trying to sneak 110 lbs of Russian Beluga caviar into the US in his luggage. (He was caught by a sniffer cat.)

FOR THE RECORD:
A Chinese man is claiming to have pulled a 3000-lb car 47.5 feet (14.5 meters) using only his — lower eyelids. The man reportedly inserted a pair of S-shaped hooks attached to a rope to pull the car and is hoping to have the feat recognized as a world record. (When told of the stunt, a spokesman for the “Guinness Book of Records” said, “Ewwww!”)

BS OBSERVANCES . . .
TODAY President Bush has asked all American radio stations to play “The Star-Spangled Banner” to mark the 3-month anniversary of the 9/11 attacks at 8:46am EST — the exact time when the first jet hit the north tower of the World Trade Center — or at a time ‘deemed appropriate’.

Since 1602, TODAY has been celebrated as “Scaling Day” in Geneva, Switzerland. That’s when stores sell pot-shaped chocolate candies to represent the soup pots women used in medieval days to pour scalding water on any invaders attempting to ‘scale’ city walls. (Local children also chop melons with cleavers in gleeful re-creation of beheadings.)

ON THIS DAY . . .
1981 [20] Legendary boxer Muhammad Ali’s 61st and final fight as he loses to Trevor Berbick (The movie “Ali” has its world premiere TONIGHT in London, with star Will Smith attending and speculation Mohammed Ali may also show up. It opens wide on Christmas Day)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “This is ‘Stress-Free Family Holidays Month’. What’s the best method you’ve come up with to relieve holiday stress?”
• “What is absolutely the best SMELL of the holiday season?” (A freshly-cut pine tree? Home-made eggnog? A turkey after 3 hours in the oven?)

LOST IN TRANSLATION:
(Actual signs spotted by world travellers.)
• In a Zurich hotel: “Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.”
• In a Bangkok temple: “It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner dressed as a man.”
• In a Tokyo bar: “Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.”
• In a Swiss mountain inn: “Special Today — no ice cream.”

BS INVENTION GAME:
2 of these are actual products that were invented. 1 is a total fake. But which?
• ‘EZ-Store Furniture’ — furniture filled with helium that floats to the ceiling when not being used.
• ‘Insta-Freeze’ — an appliance that freezes food within minutes. A backwards microwave. (FAKE)
• ‘Sunbather Toe Rings’ — mini-handcuffs used to connect big toes together, preventing sunburn to the thighs.

Q: You are anxiously waiting for ‘Grandfather Frost’ to show up with Christmas goodies on January 1st. Where are you?
A: Russia, where Santa is known as ‘D’yed Moroz’.

Q: The first of these seasonal decorations came to light in 1882 and were colored red, white and blue. What?
A: The original electric Christmas tree lights.

Q: From which country did we get the idea of killing a coniferous tree, dragging it into the house, and allowing the needles to fall all over the carpet throughout the holiday season?
A: This was a brainstorm of the 16th-century Germans.