George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there,
they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and
talks for 5 minutes.

When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin
writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.

When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen
Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.

When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call
and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA
free.

The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone
to hell, so it's a local call."

House Painting

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and
how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes
really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of
rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at
hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks
into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices
that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and
asks her if she if OK.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all
blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said, "FOR
BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

The Professor

A professor at the University of Arkansas was giving a lecture on Involuntary Muscular
Contractions to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting
subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman
in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're
having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the
gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle"
was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he
doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put
him up there to begin with."

An Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array
of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time
since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much
more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 300 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood
and an iron.

Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers.
They are named Elin Woods, "clubs you can beat Tiger with."

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name?
Cheetah.

Since Tiger drives an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?

Gun Control

Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in WVA, asked the audience
for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few
seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a
child in America dies from gun violence.'

There is this little girl on the side of the road with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to
them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in
front.

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. It was President
Obama.

'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?' he asked.

'Kittens' Little Mary Pat says. 'They're so small; their eyes are not even open yet.'

'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.

'Democrats' says Little Mary Pat.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo
opportunity, President. Obama called his Press Manager and told him about the little girl
and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell
everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Mary Pat is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens
with the 'FREE KITTENS' sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the
vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, BET and CNN. But no FOX for some reason.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then President Obama got out of his limo and
walked up to Little Mary Pat.

'Now, don't be frightened,' he said, 'I just want you to tell all these nice news
people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'

'Yes sir,' Mary Pat said, 'They are all REPUBLICAN kittens.'

Taken by surprise, President Obama said, 'But yesterday, you told me that they were
DEMOCRATS.'

Little Mary Pat says, 'Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.'

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another
dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's
interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

An amazing elephant story

In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern
University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with
one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very
carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of
wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood
out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The
elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him
for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being
trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never
forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to
near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at
Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same
elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into
the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant
trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the
railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Daddy, How was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers,
'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got
together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met
at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your mother
agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered
that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You've Got Male!

It's time to pull out

There were 509 Americans killed there in 2008. In the first 6 months of 2009, there
were 215 Americans killed. We have 14,000 paramilitary personal assigned, yet despite that
it seems to be a losing battle.

As a basis of comparison, 308 Americans were killed in 2008 and as of 10/29/09 132
American were killed in Iraq. We all know the press coverage and day by day death toll
that has been in the news in Iraq, yet this seems to be a well kept secret.

I suggest we give up, pull our fine people out, and leave this area to the lawless,
indigenous people who live and murder there.

Write your congressman, your senators, and the president. It's a lost cause. Pull all
funding. Let's tell 'em its time to get out.

It's time to pull out of Chicago.

Customs Asks Questions

An Arab (in a long robe with their face covered) is walking through customs and the
customs woman wants to ask him some questions.

"Sex?" asks the customs woman.

"Yes, please!" says the Arab.

"No, I mean male or female?" says the customs woman.

The Arab says, "Both, and sometimes camel too!"

A lesson learned from Old Butch the Rooster

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens),
called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster
not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Each bell had a different tone so he could tell from a distance which rooster
was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just
listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he
noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other
roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became
an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but, they
also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could
figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the
best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next time, the bells are not always audible.

Circle Flies

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather
more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's
home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable
words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but
I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back
end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops
and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens
of this country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them
flies, though."

Walking Eagle

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian
Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York. HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans
for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, since he has now become
the President. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every
Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.

Although President Obama was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most
enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers.'

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed
with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle." The proud President then departed in
his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the
new name they had given to the President. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is
the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Medical Condition

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking
with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to
his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just
like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki
Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one
of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the
way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what
it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical
students think."

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he
isn't going.

Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a
tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you
go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair
and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my
hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over.
She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I
did. And then she said, "now, you can do whatever you want."

So here I am.

Mrs. Fix It

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a
"handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went
to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her
to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the
garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize
that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb
blonde jokes we've been getting by E-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to
her.

"Oh, and by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a
Lexus."

Will He Jump?

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blond at the bar and
stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge
of a large building preparing to jump.

The blond looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blond replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar
and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blond placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off
the building, falling to his death.

The blond was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's
fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so
I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the
woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously
asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' He continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear, 'That's me before the surgery.'

A blonde's password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following
password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters
long.

Suicide Hotline

I was so depressed last night, thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, savings,
social security, retirement funds, etc. that I called the suicide lifeline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.

Told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!

THE CASINO

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman
arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said,
"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With
that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby,
Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and
squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then
picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did
she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know I thought you were watching."

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Fishing Trip

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada
with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you
please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend."

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?

We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my
things up.

"Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what
her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike."

He said, "but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to
do?"

The wife replied, "I did, they're in your tackle box."

Never try to outsmart a woman!

Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through
all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family
there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells,
cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a
revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she
closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most
passionate liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs,
potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was
pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, .....but what's the dollar for?'

'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and
that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?'

He said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar.'

The blonde then blushed and said, 'But the breakfast was my idea.'

Teaching Math

Last week I purchased a burger at a fast food restaurant for $1.58. The counter girl
took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave
it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen
on her register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she
hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her , she stood
there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since
the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish
and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our
woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of
making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers,
and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

The first man married a woman from Florida. He told her that she was to do the dishes
and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a
clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Indiana. He gave his wife orders that she was to do
all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes
were done and there was a huge dinner on the table..

The third man married a girl from Missouri. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He
said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by
the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
dishwasher.

Doctors weigh in on the new Obama health care proposal

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash
moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists
thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists
considered the idea shortsighted.

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see
right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was
a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face
on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at
the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't
have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes
in Washington.

Rubber Gloves

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided
to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers
of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the
gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out
laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

Italian Affair

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to
secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he
told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He
would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey!" she said, "You received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Government Agents

A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent as part of a task force, arrive at a
ranch in western Nebraska.

The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of the
Federal Government with us."

Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to
the farmer.

"See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any
land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their
lives and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground
on the agents. They are clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the
top of his lungs, "Your badges! Show him your badges!"

Blonde Driver

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to
pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the
state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was
stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK, ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed
the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving
along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to
the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I
swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was
..."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on
this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Lonely Traveler

Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call
one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up
the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl,
bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful
long wavy hair, long graceful legs, well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call. "Hello," the woman says. God, she
sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you
give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I
should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want
it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, and
whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie
me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how
does that sound?"

"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an
outside line."

THIS IS HEAVEN

An 85-year-old couple had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich,
they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's
insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day their good health
didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to
Heaven.

They reached the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a
beautiful mansion furnished in gold and fine silks with a fully stocked kitchen and a
waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the
closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your
home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing,"
Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course,
finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied "You play for free, every
day...."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with every imaginable
cuisine laid out before them from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing
beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all
free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated
tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as
much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is
Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran flakes. We could have
been here 10 years ago!"

Secret Recipe For Viagra

3% Vitamin E

2% Aspirin

2% Ibuprofen

1% Vitamin C

5% Spray Starch*

87% Fix-A-Flat

Human Kindness Goes Around

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Pine Street
Elementary in Spartanburg, SC forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon
for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was
writing to say "thank you". This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to
anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Pine Street Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I
am 84 years old and live at the Rosecrest Retirement Home. All of my family has passed
away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless
you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she
would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell
off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her
distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my
prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes Baker

I'm Fine

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot
shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite
cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down
the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene
that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the
lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded
Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this
huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I
was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad
and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape
just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and
saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said,
"How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"

Parking Ticket

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We
were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a
parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior
citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at
me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a
****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then
he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused
him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

A band was booked for a dance gig in a little village assembly hall one bad winter
night - snow 2 feet high, many roads blocked.

The only musician to make the gig was the drummer, who lived locally. The dance was to
start at 8, and by 8.45 no more of the band had arrived. The organizer said to the drummer
"The people want to dance! I guess they can just dance to your rhythm, so let's get
started".

"OK" says the drummer.

"Ladies and gentlemen, take your partners for a foxtrot." And he starts to
play. Everybody is dancing and enjoying themselves.

Then a guy comes up to the drummer and says "Do you play requests?"

Wishing to please, the drummer says "Yes, sure."

"Can you play The Lady is a Tramp?" asks the guy.

"What the hell do you think I'm playing?!" says the drummer.

The Ventriloquist and The Blond - I Rest My Case

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small
town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a
blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype
women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in
the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general... and
all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells, 'You stay out
of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!'

Blonde Painter

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire
herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs
for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you
charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were
in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she
realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along
with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

Who's your Daddy?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency
Forms in the section for listing "Father's Details." These are genuine excerpts
from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by
Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I
believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of
a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of
men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party
at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember
that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can
you please send me his phone number? Thanks...

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has
a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service
stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from
the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen
again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would
blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe
him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well,
I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it
really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is
Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and
watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have
remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you
eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday
paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of
recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, shit, so that's why no one was at
church today."

Golf with Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to and says, 'How's the singing
career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got
that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a
while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when
I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway
and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me
with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and
never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a
hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

9 Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and
headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So
they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they
could spend the night

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will
talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men
found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had
cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took
him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the
attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking
widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and
pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,
"I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time
employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS
finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet..

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.... The stunned auditor now
realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He
starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I
can stand on one side of your desk,and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and
never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's
no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily,
he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much
urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge
win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned
for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee
all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!!

Solve The Puzzle

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.

On your left side is a drop off.

On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.

In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't
seem to overtake them.

Behind you is a stampede of horses.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY!

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is
everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one
problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am
constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on
bushes. They're a real pain."

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such
as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body
more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those,
but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the
animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a
mate except me. I feel so alone. "

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have
overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of
you. Let's see, where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Sporting Goods Store

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She
doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir.
Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell
you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, 'That's a six-foot
Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all
around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on
the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who
tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel
were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and
the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly
tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body
dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue,
and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle
chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of
about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was
wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave
wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked
nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

CANNIBAL RESTAURANT

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.

+ Tourist: $5

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the
Politician?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it
takes all morning."

A sincere request for help

Dear Friends, my name is Ndugood. I am a wealthy Nigerian prince who loves the jazz of
music. I am seeking your help to move $200,000,000 from my checking account here in
Nigeria to the United States. I too love the jazz of music and am planning to flee to
America to open many jazz clubs at which I would like you to perform. You will receive
$42,000 a night, plus a meal. My new "Tribal Village Vanguard" clubs will be of
great success and you will become rich like the rest of American jazz musicians. I have
already applied for building code exemptions to allow thatched stages and the spearing of
live animals.

But I desperately need your help. My tribe, the Swindlisi, a peaceful, jazz-loving
people, has been horribly oppressed by the ruling military junta, which despises the jazz
of music. My father, an exiled king and booking agent, was recently imprisoned under the
draconian "three gigs you're out" law. And now I must flee my beloved country
with all of my improbable wealth.

But I need help in moving it. I have so much money that it will not fit in the allotted
two checked bags and one carry-on. I am therefor want to transer the money through your
ATM system. (The Nigerian ATM system cannot exchange international currencies; it only
converts "antelope to money").

So please to just provide me with your full name and address, social security number,
bank account and PIN numbers. And you will become incredibly (literally) rich from playing
many jazz gigs. (Note: normal Nigerian Musician's Union rules apply: three-hour
performances, two 15-minute breaks allowed, musicians to provide their own mosquito nets,
one open fire per bandstand, one free meal plus anything you kill).

Act now. The first ten musicians to respond will receive a free copy of the Nigeria's
Greatest Jazz Hits CD, by our beloved 'Disoriented' Gillespie Band, which contains the
hits:

The Night Has A Thousand Flies Goodbye Shrunken Head Here's That Rainy Season Just
Tribesmen (Lovers No More) Take the 'A' Trail When I Fall In Quicksand Half-Nelson
Mandella Blue Monkey Leopard Skins and Moonbeams Blue Mombossa Almost Like Being In Lagos
Sunny Side of the Goatpath I Didn't Know What Century It Was

Thank you for your many help.

Your inordinately wealthy Nigerian brother,

Prince Ndugood.

Redneck Elevator

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the
first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife
shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'

The father responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole
life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel
chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady
rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped
out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, 'Boy, go
gitcha Momma.'

H & R Block

A woman walks into a H & R Block Tax accountant's office and tells him that she
needs help to file her taxes.

The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.' He gets
her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, 'What is your occupation?'

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a
cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you
look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a
nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and
eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.

CHILD WISDOM

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then
he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to
the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the
little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note
to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some
reason you sent it through Washington, D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

Two Different Doctors

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have
trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time
booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits
8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an X-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and
finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Take me to a vet!

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or
bitch.

But it was a long time ago, & it was just that one day.

Let Me Tell You About My Weekend

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a
beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler
looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to
see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man
seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know
you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank
Monday to verify the funds And I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you About my weekend!'

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a
field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses
and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls
would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to
the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her
that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting
the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from
their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned
to his wife and said, 'Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy
and sad at the same time.'

She said, 'You have the biggest penis of all your friends.'

School Teachers Learn A Lesson

How would you pronounce this child's name?

Le-a (written just like that)

Leah?? - NO

Lee - A?? - NOPE

Lay - a?? - NO

Lei?? - Guess Again

It's pronounced 'Ledasha.' Oh yes, you read it right!!

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because
everyone is getting her name wrong. If you see something come across your desk like this,
please remember to pronounce it correctly.

When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "The dash
don't be silent."

Blonde energy savings!

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy
efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for
them.

I was like, this is a dimwit, so I said, "Hellloooo, just because I'm blond
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid."

So, I just like, totally reminded him exactly what his fast talking sales guy had told
me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

"Helllooooo? It's been a year!" I said.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He
never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!!!

10 Best Caddy Responses

10. Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "I
don't think you can keep your head down that long."

9. Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy:
"Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

8. Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you
miss the ball much closer now."

7. Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy:
"Eventually."

6. Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I
don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

5. Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a
distraction." Caddy: "It 's not a watch - it's a compass."

4. Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but
personally, I prefer golf."

3. Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way
you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

2. Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This
isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

1. Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a
long time since we teed off, sir."

Democrat, Republican or Redneck?

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes
with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to
society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing
me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street
that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a
story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the
teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

"Ernie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert
Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was
a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down
so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty
enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with
her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to
describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives
next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our
yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss,
Sssss' and before she could say 'Shoot,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother
couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's 'roommate', Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had
long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made
her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder
if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I
assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to
dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she
took it, do you?' Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom ,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,

Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Jennifer . But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her
own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,

Mom

Lesson of the day - never lie to your MOTHER!

Understanding the Stimulus Bill

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says,
"I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"

The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if
you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to
explain it to you." The student agreed.

At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house.

The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool. They both
went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating
with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill
your bucket with as much water as you can."

The student did as he was instructed.

The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump
all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did
as he was told. The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times,
and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.

The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"

The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much
deeper.

The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would
find out the real story soon enough.

However, after the sixth trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student
began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally
replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive
pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level
it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could
have been truly productive action!"

The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You
now understand the stimulus bill."

The Decision

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and
says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you
were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and
everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $10,000 in insurance compensation
coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as
your old one did, better in fact! However, the thing is, it does not come cheap. It's
$1,000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many
inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you
had a six inch one before, and you decide to go for a ten incher, she might be a bit put
out. But if you had a ten inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a six incher
this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping
you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says
the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting new countertops'

Mental Hospital

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were
shouting, '13...13....13...13.' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap
in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....'

Retirement Dinner

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A
leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the
presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they
waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I
thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my
confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police,
was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from
his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his
sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like
that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being
late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In
fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

Lawyer and Blonde

Man boarded a plane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde female
crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it into
the crew's refrigerator. He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to
rant to her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was
most annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she got on the intercom to announce to the entire
cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your
hand." Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself.

Two lessons here:

1. Some men never learn.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown in Savannah

Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST

I was the white guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over
shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my
girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to
apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.
Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold
outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimberly 1911 .45 ACP pistol for
Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful
pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you
also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. 'I couldn't have you
calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.' I took the liberty
of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and
explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your credit card. I
gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of
the cash in your wallet (you probably took it from someone anyway), then I threw your
wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case
you'd like to know which ones. Alltel shut down the line after about 24 hours, but I've
only had the phone for a little over a day now. I hope they haven't permanently cut off
your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it.
Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole
attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed
your pants, so I'd like to help you out. Maybe I can reimburse you for the detergent you
used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to
mention not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that
you'll reconsider your path choice in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you
read this message, post a reply on 'Face Book' and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

Alex

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over
and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to
cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the
sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the
toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are.

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the
WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. * Never pass up an opportunity to
go to the bathroom. * If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. *
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need
them to empty your bedpan.

Lessons In Life

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the
doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door,
there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of
Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the
bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she
replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders
in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to
reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily
slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg
again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go
forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they
find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one
wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving
a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach
with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two
back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and
asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that
tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on
some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell
to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he
was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly
dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and
the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank
all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he
would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was
the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He got a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the Outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that
meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,
wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school
today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble
because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry
tree."

And that's when the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's
on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she
sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need
you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as
the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the
morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, 'Holy crap. That
must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed
himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman,
'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned
to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

Bear Hunting

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some
sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a
frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals,
shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while
struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a
10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers come racing up. One
quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the
bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three
loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while
the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing
for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between
Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own
eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access
to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'He may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat
about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to
Massachusetts and get another one?'

Our Intelligent Marines

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U. S. Marine Sergeant were
captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of
them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried
chicken.' The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric
ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York , so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon
and Me' one last time.' The terrorist's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied
the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played
the song. Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder
and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear
it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over
the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?'

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.

'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went
sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot
the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists,
with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the
rest of the terrorists killing another 11!

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams , they asked him, 'Why didn't you
just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'

'What!?!' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the
aggressor?'

Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Marijuana."

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

When leaving the zoo, run towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives!
They're loose!"

Pick up a box of condoms at the store, go to the counter and ask, "Where is the
fitting room?"

One Wish

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the Sky clouded above
his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to
me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I
want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that
kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the
concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can
do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and
all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes, or four, on that bridge?'

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