Independent Scotland 'wouldn't flood', claims Sturgeon

There would be no flooding in an independent Scotland it was claimed today. The bold statement was made by Deputy First Minister Nicola Sturgeon, who was making a speech from somewhere up really, really high. "This just goes to prove yet another difference between glorious Scotland and the evil oppressor England," Ms Sturgeon said. "I mean, look around - there's no flooding or water here," she continued, gesturing towards the snow-covered mountains.

Ms Sturgeon went on to explain the SNP's theory about the English floods: that they are caused by the drains being blocked by Tory bile, something that would simply dissipate following independence. She went on to say she hoped the people of Scotland would "take a tartan Senekot," the night before the referendum so that "we can wake up on September 18th and do a massive Tory shite". Supporters cheered as she quoted Scotland's national anthem, saying she hoped "we can float them homewards tae stink again".

The Deputy FM also claimed that Scottish summers could become warmer in the event of a Yes vote. "For too long the Scottish people have been living in the towering oppressive shadow of Westminster. With that gone, the sun will shine on us and we'll all get a nice tan," she said. Hinting towards a boom in tourism, she finished her speech with a promise of hope: "With it constantly being summer and us being the greatest country in the world, people will flood here. Just not Tories."

Make Lord Number Nine's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)