wife

i woke up this morning still not shooting on all cylinders. if you’ve been reading the blog for at least a few days you know the reason. short version it’s a combination of some adult liquid calories over the weekend and my oreo binge last night.

after a shower and other morning routine stuff i woke up the boy and well he was tired to and my first reaction was less than awesome. i felt terrible the moment the words left my mouth. it wasn’t his fault that i’d made some poor decisions. not to mention he was acting just exactly how i felt on the inside (if you ask my wife i was acting like that on the outside too).

luckily i was dropping him off and so I had another half hour to first of all apologize. i’m no above apologizing to my son. i could tell he was still not certain why i had snapped but we talk like we always do and he knew dad was back on board with our normal fun.

I dropped him off and drove to work. when i drop him off i have an extra long drive and so i switch through quite a few radio stations. I heard someone reading a blog/article about being a perfect parent. they tried to talk it up only to get back to the point of it being incredibly difficult to live up to perfect standards.

i immediately thought of something i’d heard before “THE ONLY TIME YOU’RE A PERFECT PARENT IS BEFORE YOU HAVE CHILDREN”. I couln’t help but smile at the thought that I had just messed something up royally that morning but that ultimately it wasn’t the end of the world. The day would go on. Not I nor anyone else would be a perfect parent and for the most part parents do the best with what they have.

I will always think back on the first day I met either one of my children and wonder how soon after i met them did I mess something up. i will say that lessons learned from meeting the boy has made me a better father to the girl and meeting the girl has made me think about the man i’ve become and how different i am to the man who met the boy.

i’ll end this post with another i’m sorry to my son. i try very hard to not stress out on life and even more so to keep your life as peaceful as possible since life will be hard as it is with out your dad adding to the crazyness.

Like this:

cheat: “to gain an advantage on a rival or foe” ~ it was a beautiful lie.

what a story. one that’s come full circle for me. many years ago i read and felt extremely inspired by the book “it’s not about the bike: my journey back to life”.

I sang it’s praises to anyone who would listen. it meant so much for me: his perseverance in the face of the disease and then to come back from that and excel in an endurance sport. Other than sparse memories of my father watching the peloton on tv, it was the first I’ve really felt intrigued by what it meant to put yourself through “pain” for fun. It would take several years after that for me to run “far”. Even longer to jump on a bike and try to even mimic an idol like Lance.

sure enough as I made a transition from just running – to completing my first olympic distance triathlon Lance was once again kicking but this time in Iron man races around the world. Something i’m sure just raised more questions about his fitness and his level of awesomeness. I still just told people what a “bad ass” lance was and about the traits I had read about in the book that made him so special. Surely it wasn’t doping.

Not to long after that I sat watching Oprah online and listening to him say that he cheated. Well not in those words because I still feel it was a non apology. He justifies it by simply saying it was the only way to compete. It really threaten to hurt the way I felt about him. Yet it’s hard because he obviously still had to do plenty of work to stay competitive and as horrible as we can imagine it to be. You can’t fake all the dedication to even go through with whatever horrors he had to.

Yes we can’t ignore the lengths he went through to cover up that lie. By his own admission it wasn’t lying over and over it was always to cover up that initial lie. Isn’t that human nature: self preservation. I don’t think it automatically makes him a psychopath. Am I too human then because as straight an arrow as I try to be, I can admit to not always making the right decision in a societal point of view. I also then remember that he didn’t actually wrong me.

Tonight I sat through the entire documentary “The Armstrong Lie”. It was tough at times to watch especially with great contrast between both people side by side. The Lance denying countless accusations or the Lance that is admitting it with out any good reason to or any show of real emotion behind it. I plan to reread the book. Perhaps with the new lens I often mention.

Like this:

I’ve made it clear how much music really takes things to another level for me.

I’m not sure how i missed this song the first 2 times I watched this movie. My only guess is that the first two times were just so overwhelmingly emotional heavy that I was just exhausted at the end of the movie to notice the awesome message coming at me at the end.

tonight was the third time and by the end of the movie my family was all down for the night. The baby was sleeping in her crib. The boy was done fighting the sand man and was dreaming for sure. My wife had kissed me good night and so I was left with absolutely no distractions to enjoy or bare the weight of the hate coming Jackie’s way.

At the end of it all it began to play and I thought it was “take me out to the ball game” with the organ going and all. What struck me as odd was that after looking the song up on iTunes and youtube I realized that the lyrics are actually pretty religious. Something I’m not and have had to defend for various reasons. Never the less I enjoyed the peace the song brought and wonder if it was just the style or her (Sister Winona Carr) voice.

Ultimately I decided it doesn’t really matter what I think and that you all should help me decide. Now take a listen and let me know what you think.

For the summer games we get ready. I mean really ready. Look up all the profiles so we know who to cheer for. Aside from that there are true heroes that stand out. Names like Michael Phelps and Natalie Coughlin. If you’re not really into swimming. Maybe names like Usain Bolt or Deena Kastor.

For the winter Olympics though I don’t know anyone. Other than Shaun White or Lolo and I mean both of those names are huge because of success outside of the Winter Olympics. Lolo actually directly from the summer Olympics.

I knew of girls on the water polo team but couldn’t name one girl from this years hockey team.

I guess that biggest contributor to that ridiculous lack of knowledge is the beautiful weather around here. It’s 11:00PM at night and I’m sitting here sweating, surely it’s 80 degrees in the san Fernando valley still. Perhaps my East Coast friends who are used to getting buried in the snow, have no pity for my woes.

Now you’d think this is not a big deal but when my son asks a question and I don’t know half as much as I should know about the winter Olympics. I just lose it.

So here’s my goal. I will read everything and anything on the winter games and when the girls play for gold or lolo hits the course I will be ready.

Like this:

My wife had to work late today. Any other night that sucks but it’s doable/bearable. Tonight though k had a fundraiser for his school at El Torito. I’ve been taking care of both of them for some time but not in a public setting like that.

I was already behind the curve. I started the afternoon with no formula and not rested enough for the baby. We got to the restaurant and even the host kid was amazed that I was alone with both kids. Repeatedly asked if we were waiting for mom. I of course said we were but my wife already knew she was just not going to be able to make it.

I ordered the fajitas and I wondered how i would deal with the blazing skillet. I got K some chicken fingers because of course that’s what he’ll get at a Mexican restaurant. Well the baby was awesome and well behaved. I actually ate and enjoyed my food. When mom comfirmed she wouldn’t be making it we made our way home.

It always starts the same way. Wonderful while shiny and new. Getting to know each other is fun and can last for hours on end. Letting others see our new relationship is always nice too. Others express how much they envy what we have.

Then the after just a few months it’s always the same thing. It gets old and I can’t deal. Even the way you sound gets annoying. There’s no variety and I need that in my life.

Now this is where I know I seem shallow but I won’t move on or discard you until I’ve got a new relationship set up. So far I’ve been please with my choice to move on to the next and better thing. Each new version of you has been smarter than the last.

Most recently it’s been you iPhone 5S. You even recognize my fingerprint. Yet always bring a little of my past relationships with you. You’re new and refreshing yet so familiar.

Aside from the wife you’re the first thing I check in the am. Through out the day you’re there for me at work and when I need a break from work. I make sure you get rest before bed so that you’re adequately charged and alert when it’s time to wake me up in the am.

During my solo runs you’re my running partner and tell me when I need to pick it up or when I go faster than I’ve ever gone before.

I went a full 18 years with out having a cell phone and if I’m being honest I didn’t think a cell phone would become such a huge part of my life. When growing up the phone was “just for emergencies”. I always wonder what my childhood may have been like if I could text.

Many of you will read this on a cell phone. Do you agree with me that it’s a huge part of our day now? Does that bother you or have you come to terms with it?

Like this:

This weekend yet another person lost his battle with addiction. As is the case with any celebrity death it’s now been analyzed and repeated over and over. I for one always wonder the state of mind these people need to be in to get to that point.

I also wonder how long ago they may have ended it all if they had to put up with some of the struggles everyday folks have put up with. I’ve always heard that we all have our own crosses to bear but I’m still confused.

This man did not go hungry. This man was a very celebrated actor and although the parts he played were raw and now as an afterthought probably very demanding of his sanity. Yet I go back to the fact that he was not alone and it was very specific the results of an addiction that ultimately did him in.

I’ve always wondered if I’m not addicted to any substance because I know better or simply because I don’t have the disposable income to have that type of addiction. I can probably point to a few different things that I have been addictive too and in the grand scheme of things have been as equally devastating to my day/life.

I tried to ween myself off but ultimately it did not work until I cut it out cold turkey and stop rationalizing everything. It seemed I always thought it was under control. Until I learned that even a glimpse of an open door would mean it being kicked wide open and being in trouble all over again. I’m so glad everyday that passes that my vices are under control but it worries me when I hear talk of an addiction being ever present.

PSH was 23 years sober. Yet something knocked him off the wagon and the drug of choice was now too much for his body to handle.