Inspiring Minds, Awakening Hearts

Healing

It’s amazing how many of us have a story about Dr. Wayne Dyer. A favorite quote. A favorite teaching. A moment where we met him.

Because that’s the thing about Wayne, he was that accessible.

Voted the 3rd most spiritual person on the planet (behind the Dalai Lama and Eckhart Tolle), he was known by everyone. He was the ice breaker to spirituality. The way shower for those just dabbling and others wanting to go deeper into remembering who we are.

Wayne was the one I would recommend to friends who were jaded or skeptic to this ‘new age’ world, because of his ability to take ageless wisdom and break it down simply, for everyone to understand and in an easy to absorb, non-airy fairy way.

Not only was he wise, but he was kind. He was love personified. And he was patient and humble. And grateful.

When I met him in 2011 at the first Hay House ‘I Can Do It’ Conference in Vancouver, he opened the weekend Friday night with an inspiring, standing O (worth the price of the weekend ticket) talk. And then on Saturday, he returned during the day, just to meet people. To chat, get to know us, sign books, take photos and to hug.

You know that line in the Taylor Swift song… Why you gotta be so mean?

That’s me. I can be mean.

Most people would think I’m delusional for saying that. I’m the nicest person they know, they say. I don’t have a mean bone in my body, they say. But I do. Rarely anyone sees this side of me, because I’ve learned to tame that baby dragon (with my Scorpio stinger), where she stays fed and watered in the basement of my heart.

But every once in a while, she comes out to play. It’s no longer a fire breathing death disaster as in days of the past. It’s now subtle. Like little backhanded comments, that jab at another right in their soft parts, leaving them wounded without even realizing they’ve been hurt. I’m that good. Don’t cross the Kirsten.

For a long time, I lived by the mantra of the ever cool Hugh Grant in About a Boy “I’m a bloody island, I’m bloody Ibitha,” proud of my strength and independence as a woman. It made me powerful, I thought. It made me courageous, I thought.

Most times we’re taught that being strong is powerful. And in order to be powerful, we must sacrifice our warmth; our heart. Movies and TV now show female heroines as tough as nails, rather than in touch with their emotions. It’s way cooler to be the wise-cracking sarcastic like Veronica Mars. It’s not safe to be vulnerable and real.

I’m a big personality. I make big facial expressions. I have big hand gestures. There is really nothing small about me, except my chest size.

If I’m speaking out loud or about something personal, chances are, I’ll crack a joke and try to make it entertaining, or worthy of an audience.

Even if that audience is just one person.

That’s just always been who I am.

In acting class recently, after doing my monologue for the first time, my teacher had me sit on my hands and just speak the words from a place of truth, nothing else. No big expressions, no wild hand gestures. No need to entertain or perform.

I was just to be.

It was torture.

“Why?” I asked. “This just feels wrong.”

She said, “Trust me.”

I did my monologue again. And this time, when I was done, she asked me how it felt. I told her I felt like a brick wall, void of any emotion and boring as hell.

She and the class disagreed – saying it was way more powerful this way.

I had intended to start blogging this book months ago. That seemed simple enough, as I’ve had it planned out for years.

Originally this book was called, How to Love Yourself (When everything in the world tells you not to). I had these great chapters, “WWMD, or What Would Miley Do?” except this was based on Miley as innocent Hannah Montana and not licking a wrecking ball, so well, I had to adjust accordingly with the ever changing times.

Then it was another title, then another. The title has changed as many times as I change my underwear. Daily. (Just for clarification).

I even had the chapters fully mapped out and structured perfectly as the Type A part of my personality finds so comforting. Who doesn’t love to pretend they are in total control?! But then I couldn’t actually write the book and feel any sense of flow or fluidity. Imagine my surprise to realize it was too structured, even for me!

And then it hit me. I was trying to write a 5D book from a 3D mindset. AKA I was trying to write about the heart and soul, from my intellect. This might sound like Pig Latin for some but just stay with me.

A lot has changed in the past few years. We are in the midst of some of the most transformational times of our lives. The world is not the same place it was 5 years ago. Technology and social media have exploded, the Disney kids have grown up, and we’ve become far too comfortable having relationships with our gadgets rather than with real people.

I’ve never been good at letting go. When I was young and someone called out for me, I would respond, “Hold On.” I never knew it would mean literally.

I still have memory boxes from childhood that my mom is convinced are filled with gum wrappers. Okay, in my defense they were really funny bubble gum wrappers (you remember the ones with the joke?) that were a gift and are now like retro…. Nuff said.

Recently at the Salvation Army, while dropping off some awesome things that had been in my trunk far longer than necessary, I stood there, pondering if it was really best to let them go… I mean, of course I need 3 pairs of Uggs. As if needing a healthy shove from an angel in overalls, a guy called out, “When you left your house it felt like a good idea. Don’t turn back. Now just go out and get more stuff.” Tail between my legs, I hugged my Uggs goodbye. #HugsforUggs

I’ve mastered the art of the long goodbye, watching my family until they disappear around the corner, soaking in every last essence of their aura, knowing that someday it will be the last time. Pretty morbid sure but it’s a coping mechanism I’ve adopted, and call me superstitious, I ain’t changing now.

I’ve lost family before, tragically and suddenly. It’s excruciating. Not just in losing the ones we’ve lost, but how it changes those left behind.

That kind of letting go is forced upon us, and can lead to patterns of abandonment, thereby shaping how we see the world whether we are aware of it or not.

Happy New Year! As we begin a new cycle, and start banging out a long list of unreasonable resolutions and stressful expectations, let us stop and have a little #TBT fun, by grooving to Kid Cudi’s “Pursuit of Happiness.”

This song gets me. Right in the soft spots. It makes me want to move my hips. It’s sexy and it speaks to that inner longing within us all…. That ever-elusive Pursuit of Happiness…. A belief most of us have because “I’ll be fine…once I get it.”

But what if that wasn’t the truth? Hold up, what?!

Stay with me. What if Happiness wasn’t a pursuit, an unreachable material thing that we strive for never to fully grasp…? But instead, Happiness consisted of moments. Little bits of joy. Bite size pieces of pure ecstasy.

Let me break it down for you. Children are the purest source. They aren’t tainted by the reality of life’s stresses just yet. You look at them and their wide eyes are filled with wonder. They know pure joy, freedom, pleasure, unbridled enthusiasm…. And yet, they can also stomp their feet, and throw a temper tantrum if they don’t get their MumMum cracker soon enough.

That’s the reality yo. Not even the purest little innocent baby can uphold happiness all day long. They crash. They need to eat, sleep and rejuvenate just like the rest of us.

When I was in sixth grade, my teacher asked our class to write a poem. A simple poem. My heart stopped for just a minute…. I didn’t know how to write a poem! I had been writing in a diary (you know the kind that had a little lock and key), since I could hold a pencil, confessing my sorrows to the safety of the page. But I didn’t think I could ever write something that others would want to read… and would be good enough. That was what real writer’s did.

I was an overachiever. And I wasn’t a person who liked to fail at any task, especially in front of my peers when I was so busy seeking their approval.

And so I did the most natural thing to me. I turned my back on myself and asked my very intelligent friends for help. They came from those idyllic families where they had pancakes for breakfast every Sunday. In my eyes, they were perfect. And I was flawed because I was filled with so many thoughts, feelings and worries. A ten year old constantly consumed with the pain inducing fear that I wouldn’t fulfill my destiny… whatever that was supposed to be.

When you travel alone for a large amount of time, you think you are alone… except of course, for the etheric rope that connects you to the real world and your loved ones back home, now even more accessible with social media and skype. If you are anything like me, for the first few days, or weeks, you somehow look back rather than ahead, still tethered to their hearts, in a way so not to forget them, and more importantly, for them not to forget you. It is your safety as you clamber into the unknown. For when connected, you can tug on that rope, and know that someone will be there to pull you up.

So far throughout my European journey, I had been gliding between the two worlds, living part in the past, that is nine hours behind, and the other half in the present moment; hanging in the in between. And in order to truly experience what I needed to experience, I couldn’t hold on. I needed to cut the chords, and let go of my safety net once and for all.

There is a reason I chose to embark on this journey Mio Solo, sans a travel companion, other than a small stuffed elephant named Hope. (You never leave home without Hope, but more on him later.) For when you are by yourself, you are more open to the gifts of each moment. Rather than distracted by dialogue, you are an observer, taking in the surroundings. With each breath, a new mental picture and memory is absorbed. A new thought occurs, that is allowed because there is space in your mind, from the expansion of quiet. Soaking in the experience with wide, undistracted eyes. You become clear. Present. Undisturbed. A carrier pigeon for transformation, passing on the tradition to the family and friends back home, thereby also changing them for taking the courageous first step that they were somehow unable to make.

“The people we are in relationship with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs and simultaneously we are mirrors, reflecting their beliefs. So, relationship is one of the most powerful tools for growth…. If we look honestly at our relationships , we can see so much about how we have created them.” – Shakti Gawain

We all have certain ways of being with others. Sometimes we know what we are doing and other times, our actions and behaviours are completely unconscious. If we are aware of our “issues”, we usually don’t like to acknowledge them to avoid shining light on our shame. Well, I’m gonna go against the traditional rules of poker, and show you my hand.

I have had certain “habits” in my friendships and relationships. I have put others needs ahead of my own. I have sacrificed myself for another’s wellbeing. I have assumed to know what is best for them and what they are thinking, needing or expecting, and took action to make them happy, in an effort to avoid putting them out. I have tried to rescue friends and lovers from their pain, all the while, waiting for them to value me in return. I have waited for them to see me.