Tuesday, November 18, 2014

It was probably closure — that thing they call when you finally want to get over something— that "something” that has to be done to signify finality and to somehow become a marker that tells you, “hey okay this is the end…” or something like that.

I have not been dreaming for the past weeks because I am barely sleeping. I have had a lot of things going on in my mind which coerces me to stay wide-awake and think things through. Some are trivial and do not even merit recognition while others are slowly consuming the rest of my energy.

So tonight, without intending to, I slept earlier than usual on a Sunday night.

I’m pretty sure you’ll get a million other little dreams going on in your head but only the clearest and the more recent usually stands out.

I dreamt of him— the way I usually dream of him years after I met him. But not in the more recent years because, along with the old forgotten stories I had in the past, I shelved him in the deepest places where I could only see him if I decided to look up for something I am not sure still belonged to me.

I dreamt of him; and in my dream, I went out with him to buy a pair of classic Tretorns. But before he picked me up, I prepared and tried to look good, not for him, but for myself. I remember staring at the mirror and I could clearly see myself looking back at me. I wore metallic blue shadows and my hair was curled perfectly. Dreaming or awake, I thought, that was the most beautiful “me” that I have seen.

We went on to buy the Tretorns and I don’t really recall if we held hands or kissed or whatever, but I knew in that dream, it felt really good to be with him.

It was the most amazing feeling in the world, but even I at that time knew that it was a dream— only because even though reality is painful and ruthless, it is never that hazy, or blurry or grainy like that. But I will take it anyway. And being a citizen of both this world and the ephemeral, I also knew when I had to snap out of it and wake up.

It was 7 o’clock in the morning. And I think, this is the marker I have been looking for, for years.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Those people who know you best and whom you shared the worst and the best days of your life will bring back the most important memories of your life, in case you lose them along the way.

Earlier today, my bosom friend sent me a message telling me that she dreamt of me last night, the monologue I presented in Prof. Alegre's theatre class where I played Eris, the Goddess of Discord. It was, I think, the greatest performance I did because I do not usually act on stage. This happened about a decade ago. Until today, I have lost this memory of me playing Eris. I am thankful for her reminding me this.

I have always thought that our friends, our partners and our family perform the most noble function that is to be witnesses that we lived. They will always be a living proof of how well or how rotten we lived our lives. They, with so much hope, will outlive us to tell our story. And that I think is the closest substitute to immortality.

(I woke up in the middle of my sleep to write this down. I thought of this in my dream, too. Thank you, Maphene )

Saturday, June 14, 2014

This is Mr. Luk, the same guy in my previous post who painstakingly wrote the english translation of the more famous chinese dishes that he assumed we will be ordering.

He treated us to a noodle dinner and a conversation that mostly involved sign language and crooked english, we came upon asking him if he has already gone to the Philippines. He said not yet and shook his head. Ate Jet, the woman seated beside him quipped, "ayaw niyan baka ma-Mendoza daw sya." I was too shy to ask what she meant by ma-Mendoza meant until Mr. Luk started describing the "former president who asked sorry". That's when I recalled what Erap was saying sorry for. It was a heavy topic to discuss over beef brisket, coke and beer. I would've wanted to say sorry too and tell him that not all Filipinos will "Mendoza" him, them but I didn't know how to.

Friday, May 30, 2014

The past few days have been very difficult. One moment, I was ecstatic, then another in grief, the next thing I was excited, and then suddenly desperate. My heart, apart from fat and bad cholesterol, has been covered with strength and resilience. Over the years that it has been pushing back life's greatest blows, it has grown stronger and tougher but always loving and compassionate. I think, I can still manage. ❤️

Thursday, May 29, 2014

I was in gradeschool when I started hearing this song. I still wasn't good at figuring out the lyrics (that or understanding English at all) so I went by and fell in love with the melody. I hard a hard time figuring out what this song's title was because I didn't know the lyrics and the tone-deaf in me is also not helping me figure this song's title. My cousin Ingrid, finally, told me what the title was and since then, this song have made it through my tracks from cassette tapes, CDs and now MP3s.

On days when I wanted to act in front of the mirror for no particular reason, as some would recall this phase in our chilhood, I would play this song and without effort, my eyes would well up. And then later on, when I already was able to comprehend the lyrics, I fell in love with the song again.

But only when I was able to actually experience things (beyond understanding the language it is saying) like death and love was I able to fully relate to this song.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

One, decided to move back to their home in the Visayas and chose love over a blossoming career in the city. She decided to follow her boyfriend's advise to be with him instead. She didn't mention plans of getting married but sacrifices like these would only mean bigger things for them. And with so much hope, I pray they end up together, eventually.

They actually broke up back in college when, I guess, the guy thought my friend was too young and immature for him. My friend told me, she never expected that they would even end up as friends as this guy told her that he never became friends with is ex-es. But then, one morning he realized that perhaps life is so short for him not to follow his heart and so he added my friend in FB and the rest as they say is history.

I told her I never had doubts that they would eventually end up with each other. (Although I still sometimes think that the guy back then was a jerk breaking up with her for his reasons.) So now, I'm glad they are together and that my friend chose love over anything. It wasn't surprising after all. That probably is common among us-- Fortywinks, my college barkada. We will choose Love over anything. No matter what.

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I lost Luv because of her heart.
In May 23rd, she suffered what seemed to be a cardiac arrest-- the first, worst attack, according to her family, and sadly the last. She only lasted for hours after the attack.

She was able to write notes to her family and all the while, she was looking for WiFi hotspot to be able to say goodbye to her sister in Dubai and to us perhaps. She wasn't able to do so. However, we are happy to assume that she remembered us before she went and that now, she is free from suffering and I guess happier now.

It was four Christmases since I last saw her, and about 2 years ago when we last had a conversation.
But I never thought of ifs or buts because I know, the time I have spent with you was more than enough for me to be a witness of how you lived. We will love her just the same.

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Being in the middle of this exodus, I still find it something to be grateful to be part of their lives-- and that I am thankful to the Universe to allow us to meet each other during our journey. And be it for love, or for death-- life is beautiful as it is.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

I don't ever think that you'll eventually learn to read to know what this letter would mean but I hope, in everyday I will get to show you and make you feel how I love you.

I never had any pets that were not contained in a tank of water ever since I was a kid. I and Papa are asthmatic so i don't need to further elaborate why. i became contented with the goldfish and paco we bought in in Cartimar.

Our house in Makati could barely fit us all. We had no room for pets except one time, I had to insist and bought a small fishbowl which eventually occupied the makeshift dining table.

Our the apartment we now have in Westbank seemed a little conducive for having pets. But still, dogs and cats like you were expensive. Mitchi who had more than a dozen of dogs in her former house turned down my idea of getting a pet. For so many reasons. Perhaps she got tired of taking care of pets or she probably thinks I suck at these things.

Then, during the Christmas season of 2013, I finally had you. Mitchi finally agreed and bought you. You were meek and quiet. Probably the stress you experienced from the long haul of you previous home to your new house which was mine.

You were so tiny. I didn't have any pet carrier then so I slid you in a medium sized Mango paper bag which you only occupied half of it. Your food was Whiskas Junior in Tuna flavor. And when your previous owner started telling me about dry and wet food, deworming, vaccinations, rabies shots, grooming and all, my heart started to panic. Aren't cats supposed to be auto-pilot pets? I thought.

So slowly, reality sneaks in. You pee and poop on random time of the day. And your poop? Gosh. I was warned that cats poop are really worse than the dogs' but i underestimated it. Even the cat sand couldn't be of any help. From 10 meters away, I would know if it's time for me to clean you up.

You scratch and bite just about anything-- even the hands that feed you. Yes, quite literally. Thanks to you, my hands are now full of bruises and cuts and bite marks whenever I try to feed you, play with you and most especially when I bathe you. Our Apple chargers and other wirings are now dented and left with your bite marks. I only wish that you won't get electrocuted in time. That would be terrible.

My grocery cart used to have shampoo, soap, lotions, a few cold cuts and meat. Now, sometimes, I had to skip the meat section just so I would have enough money to buy you Whiskas and milk.

Before I got you, my boss kept telling me that I will lose my right to call in sick due to asthma the moment I get to have a cat. Since then, I have never been late nor absent due to asthma. Afterall, I wasn't allowed to, at all. My asthma did not get better by having you. I just stopped complaining about it.

I once brought you to the vet clinic to have your ears cleaned as they were alarming to see. Then the vet found out you had earmites and prescribed medications and all. At the end of the day, I found myself paying for your medical bill which is almost equals to my 3-day pay.

It would be too early to say that you were the pivotal moment of my life. That would be an exaggeration. But having you means I am responsible for another life and whose needs depend on me so I have to go home early to feed you, bathe you and let you play.

You are not an easy task to have. You definitely did not come with a manual for me to read and a money back guarantee in case I couldn't handle you anymore. But I'd say, you are worth it.

I've finally decided to keep all my thoughts in one repository in the web. Aside from the fact that I am THAT lazy to update a single blog site, cost-wise, it is not also a good idea maintaining two sites when you're not writing anything in them anyways. haha. so yeah, I'm keeping this site www.wandergirl.me as it is. I will miss that neat blog though. Although Blogger has been my home for years now, Wordpress still has a lot of things I prefer over Blogger. But yeah, no need to mention them now.

I decided to write not just about travels but about anything and everything. My blog, Kwentong Karenderya at iba pang Kwentong Walang Kwenta translates to Stories from Karenderya, and other worthless stories. Or something like that. Karenderya is a type of restaurant in the Philippines which are mostly along the busy areas and streets. It usually serves a lot of Filipino dishes with the masses as its target market. Food being sold in karenderyas are relatively cheap, dishes that are normally being cooked at home. Nothing fancy. Sometimes, even risky, as there are karenderyas whose food preparation are unsanitary. Think about gastroenteritis, diphteria, diarrhea etc. But people take risks. I guess it's human nature. Ahaha.

So why Karenderya? It began with wordplay -- my name being Karen. Then later on, I realized my blog could actually be just like the karenderya-- a mixture of everything I could think of. It is something close to home because I share experiences that one can easily relate to. It can even make you feel sick -- of how I write and what I write about. But ultimately, you take risks -- of being entertained, or being sick. Or maybe both. :)

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I am towards the last leg of my project for my Managerial regularization and things aren't working out as planned. My project, instead of getting better went out of hand. I'd say being the project leader, I too have a lot to learn from this experience. Too bad it happened right now when my regularization is at stake.

In a week's time, I'd find out if I get to keep the job or I go back to where I was.
I'm not sure if the stars, my stars are listening right now to my heart. But I sure hope they are.

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Like I said, it will just be a week from now to find out if I will get to keep this post.
But immediately, I started getting over it, accepting that I was flawed and probably did not deserve that.
I will stick to what we have planned in the beginning and work on it until the very end. This project may not be as successful as I, we, envisioned it to be but I owe it to the people who helped through the dirty work. I owe it to them so I will fight it until the very end.

And my heart says, I want this badly. So I will have it no matter what.

Been cramming and working lately to make it to the cherry blossom season this year but the odds seem not to be in my favor. Today, while window shopping, I thought, maybe, if not for the cherry blossoms, I'm probably bound to go somewhere else, but where could it be? Then I saw (refer to photo #3);

No. It can't be, I thought. With a lot of things going on, maybe now is not the time for me to see the cherry blossoms-- while dropping by National Bookstore to check on Wicked tickets, the magazine in the rack says (refer to photo #2).

Argh. This cannot be happening. I'll go there someday, somehow. Japan, Osaka most especially, can wait for me someday. But then again, the pants' tag says otherwise-- (refer to photo #1)

I swear to God, they all came when I asked.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm really bound to move. Today is just so f*cking amazing.

Monday, February 3, 2014

'Do you watch films?''Very seldom, Mam.''That's okay. But on top of your head, what's your most fave film?''Ahh, movie Mam?''Yes.''Uhm. Horror Mam..''Which film in particular?'*10second pause*

'Uhm, "Shake Off" Mam'*gestures " "* it was just shown last year.'Uh, okay. I haven't heard of that. Although I'm not really a fan of horror films. So can you tell me more about that?''Ah yes Mam. In our dialect, it's actually called "Pagpag" by Daniel Padilla.'

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Finally decided to leave all my thoughts and stories to be told here in this blog. I can't simply make up my mind on deciding what to name my blog when I realized that there's actually so much things to write apart from my travels. I will put them all here, and hopefully I'll be able to write as I think. So yeah, eventually, i may have to give up Wandergirl.Me, my travel blog which I started a year ago.

I hope to soon finally be able to find time and the strength to start writing again. Right now, my spare time from my stressful work is merely utilized for catching up for lost opportunities to sleep. I don't want to look back in this beautiful life years from now with nothing but my bed sheets and Hello Kitty pajamas. Although my mind actually has a capability to entertain me while sleeping through my often cinematic and always in clear vivid colors, I still think that life is best experienced as it happens-- that's why it's called live.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Freeing up my storage. I realized there's like 10gb of photos I haven't shared yet.

The thing with having a 16gb fixed memory for a phone compels you to let go of things that needs to go. Either you keep all the "junk" and eventually prevent you to "take another photo" and create new memories be for instagram or your actual 'memory' or free things up and be able take another photo of your cat or your selfie with your new do;

Monday, January 6, 2014

For the first time since Haiyan, I dreamt of Tacloban-- and how it used to be, in full vivid colors. I woke up with a happy and a broken heart at the same time. It was heartbreaking because physically, it will never be the same again after the tragedy but still thankful that I was able to live in this small city and I have really good and fond memories to hold on to.

About Me

anti-social hormonal evil drama queen with an insatiable wanderlust, loves hello kitty, fantail goldfish, menudo for ulam, pies and ice cream and anything from the 90s and below. Writes on her left hand and sees the world in lomo.
I write about life-- travels mostly, food, people, conversations and love. And just like in any Karenderya, you will find a lot of options which will either feed you or make you feel sick.
Dine at your own risk.