I’m serious. The negativity isn’t usually my fault. As I’ve told a few coaches/players/managers/athletic directors/owners over the years, “I don’t create the reality. I reflect it.’’

You play good, I write good. Our pro teams could operate under the motto, “Expect the worst, and you’ll never be disappointed.’’ The combination of not-great teams and not-great luck has conspired to make watching the pros in Schleprock City a downer, more often than not.

Not today. Today, let’s sit cross-legged in the center of the sunlit room and make nice.

TAKE THE BENGALS. Please.

D-o-o-o-c.

Here’s why they’ll win Sunday in Seattle:

1. Zac Taylor is a rookie coach in his first game. There is no “book’’ on how his offense will play. Sure, Pete Carroll can pull out LA Rams video from the past few years, but that’s nothing like the real thing. The Bengals were vanilla in August. Every team is. My guess is, Taylor will show some stuff that will have the Seahawks a little dazed and confused.

2. Andy Dalton is a good guy to have if you’re changing the offense entirely. Dalton is smart and very good at taking in all the intricacies of an offense like Taylor’s.

3. In our rush to worry about who’s not here, we forget who is. Boyd, Eifert, Ross, Sample, Mixon, Gio. There’s some weaponry on hand.

4. From ESPN.com:the defense, which faced the toughest schedule of opposing offenses in the league last season and returns one of the league's deepest lines. Every team ahead of the Bengals in the AFC North has red flags; the Bengals are no exception, but their core is underrated and has a higher ceiling than most remember.

5. Crowd noise is overrated, even in Seattle. The Bengals have been practicing for it since the spring, blaring actual game noise from mega speakers on the sideline. Taylor also has Dalton whispering in the huddle in the midst of the noise cauldron, so the players have gotten OK at lip reading. I’d never heard of that method. Ingenious.

So there. The Men hit a couple home runs on Plays Nobody Has Seen and the underrated D makes them stand up. Bengals shock the world, 24-20.

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Cincinnati Bearcats running back Gerrid Doaks (23) carries the ball in the third quarter of an NCAA football game against the UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Cincinnati won 24-14. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats head coach Luke Fickell looks up at the scoreboard in the final moment of the fourth quarter of an NCAA football game against the UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Cincinnati won 24-14. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats linebacker Perry Young (6) attempts to intercept a pass in the second half of the NCAA football game between Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats quarterback Desmond Ridder (9) runs for a first down in the second half of the NCAA football game between Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats safety Ja'von Hicks (3) intercepts a pass in the second half of the NCAA football game between Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

UCLA Bruins defensive back Elijah Gates (12) tackles Cincinnati Bearcats running back Gerrid Doaks (23) in the second half of the NCAA football game between Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

UCLA Bruins quarterback Dorian Thompson-Robinson (1) throws a pass in the second half of the NCAA football game between Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats linebacker Jarell White (8) hits UCLA Bruins quarterback Dorian Thompson-Robinson (1) as he throws the ball away in the second half of the NCAA football game between Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats Dance Team performs in the second half of the NCAA football game between Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats Dance Team performs in the second half of the NCAA football game between Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

UCLA Bruins defensive back Jay Shaw (24) forces Cincinnati Bearcats running back Michael Warren II (3) out of bounds in the second half of the NCAA football game between Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats defensive end Malik Vann (42) celebrates after a turnover on downs in the second half of the NCAA football game between Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

UCLA Bruins quarterback Dorian Thompson-Robinson (1) throws the ball as he's pressured by Cincinnati Bearcats quarterback Desmond Ridder (9) in the second half of the NCAA football game between Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats defensive tackle Curtis Brooks (92) runs back to the sideline after a fumble recovery in the fourth quarter of an NCAA football game against the UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Cincinnati won 24-14. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats safety Ja'von Hicks (3) and Cincinnati Bearcats safety Will Adams (27) high five after a defensive stop in the fourth quarter of an NCAA football game, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Cincinnati won 24-14. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats running back Michael Warren II (3) is upended by UCLA Bruins defensive back Stephan Blaylock on a run in the fourth quarter of an NCAA football game, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Cincinnati won 24-14. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats head coach Luke Fickell looks down the sideline in the fourth quarter of an NCAA football game against the UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Cincinnati won 24-14. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats running back Michael Warren II (3) signals for a first down after a run in the fourth quarter of an NCAA football game against the UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Cincinnati won 24-14. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats running back Michael Warren II (3) carries the ball in the fourth quarter of an NCAA football game against the UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Cincinnati won 24-14. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats running back Michael Warren II (3) is congratulated by running back Ryan Montgomery (22) and offensive lineman Morgan James (78) after scoring a touchdown in the fourth quarter of an NCAA football game, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Cincinnati won 24-14. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats running back Michael Warren II (3) scores a touchdown in the fourth quarter of an NCAA football game against the UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Cincinnati won 24-14. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

UCLA Bruins wide receiver Chase Cota (23) scores a touchdown in the third quarter of an NCAA football game against the Cincinnati Bearcats, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Cincinnati won 24-14. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats safety Ja'von Hicks (3), second from right, is congratulated by the team after recovering a fumble in the first quarter of an NCAA football game against the UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

UCLA Bruins defensive back Elijah Gates (12) tackles Cincinnati Bearcats running back Gerrid Doaks (23) in the first half of the NCAA football game between Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats tight end Josiah Deguara (83) scores a touchdown in the first half of the NCAA football game between Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Cincinnati Bearcats defeated UCLA Bruins 24-14. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats fans dance during a timeout in the first quarter of an NCAA football game against the UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats tight end Josiah Deguara (83) is congratulated after scoring a touchdown in the second quarter of an NCAA football game against the UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats tight end Josiah Deguara (83) scores a touchdown in the first quarter of an NCAA football game against the UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

The Cincinnati Bearcats take the field before the first quarter of an NCAA football game against the UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats quarterback Desmond Ridder (9) rolls out of the pocket in the second quarter of an NCAA football game against the UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats kicker Sam Crosa (31) kicks a field goal in the first quarter of an NCAA football game against the UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

UCLA Bruins wide receiver Demetric Felton (10) turns downfield after completing a catch in the first quarter of an NCAA football game against the Cincinnati Bearcats, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

UCLA Bruins head coach Chip Kelly calls a play in the first quarter of an NCAA football game against the Cincinnati Bearcats, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

A member of the Cincinnati Bearcats dance team sings the national anthem before the first quarter of an NCAA football game against the UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats defensive back Jerron Rollins (26) celebrates after making a tackle in the first half of the Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins game on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Members of the Cincinnati Bearcats Band take the field before the NCAA football game between Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. (Albert Cesare/The Cincinnati Enquirer/AP)

Cincinnati Bearcats running back Gerrid Doaks (23) fumblers in the first half of the Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins game on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats running back Gerrid Doaks (23) runs downfield in the first half of the Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins game on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats quarterback Desmond Ridder (9) scrambles out of the pocket in the first half of the Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins game on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats running back Gerrid Doaks (23) runs downfield in the first half of the Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins game on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats linebacker Malik Clements (4) takes the field with the rest of the team before the Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins game on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Students file in the student section ahead of the first quarter of an NCAA football game between the Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins, Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer

Cincinnati Bearcats majorette looks on before the NCAA football game between the Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins game on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

Members of the Cincinnati Bearcats color guard perform before the NCAA football game between the Cincinnati Bearcats and UCLA Bruins game on Thursday, Aug. 29, 2019, at Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati. Albert Cesare / The Enquirer

UC BEATS OHIO STATE. FICKELL DECLARES HIS CANDIDACY FOR MAYOR OF THE REPUBLIC OF CINCINNATI, formerly a city in Ohio.

The Buckeyes get caught napping early. Josiah Deguara, channeling his inner Travis Kelce, catches 2 TD passes from Desmond Ridder in the first half, to silence the crowd. Buckeyes do realize that UC isn’t Florida Atlantic, but not until the 4th quarter. Michael Warren II makes them pay for that, carrying 12 times for 61 yards in the final quarter. UC has the ball for 12 minutes. UC wins, 20-17.

CLOSE

Anthony DeSclafani talks about his outing in the Reds' 7-1 loss to the Phillies.
Wochit, Wochit

REDS AREN’T AS BAD AS THEY’VE PLAYED lately. In fact, for the first time in a long time, they’ll go to spring training with a good-potentially-very good top of the rotation. At the moment, no Central team has any better than Castillo-Gray-Bauer. (And yeah, I believe Bauer will be better next year than this one. Track records matter.)

They need to do all they can to keep Jose Iglesias, even if that means offering him more than three years. They need to hope Aquino isn’t Super Joe Charboneau. (Lookimup, kids.)

They need to really hope Joey Votto hasn’t gotten old.

ESPN.com rated Best and Worst bang for the buck. Reds were obvious:

Best value: Luis Castillo (37.4 SV) -- It's still the early days for one of baseball's ascendant pitchers. Castillo has one more pre-arbitration season left, so he could well earn this spot next year, as well. His 3.25 ERA, by itself, is a nice number. Then you factor in the offensive surge in baseball and the fact that he plays half his games at a hitters' park such as Great American Ballpark and that figure looks borderline miraculous. Best thing about it: Castillo's home ERA (2.89) is actually better than his mark on the road (3.90).

AND CONGRATS TO MICHAEL LORENZEN, The most recent player to get a victory, hit a homer and play outfield in the same game was Babe Ruth for the Yankees on June 13, 1921, according to Elias research.

How’d I do?

Shockingly well.

THIS IS TRULY GREAT. SI.com writes about the 1,000 or so – yes, 1,000 or so – souls who attended Marlins-Pirates last night in Pittsburgh:

The official attendance for the game was 9,043, which would have been 24% of PNC Park’s capacity. But there couldn’t have been more than, what, 1,000 people actually in the stands? That’s unbelievable.

I understand that it’s a school night and these are two of the worst teams in baseball but that’s embarrassing. It was a beautiful 76-degree night and the ballpark is right downtown. You couldn’t find some way to convince people to sit outside after work and enjoy one of the last nice nights of the year?

But this is what happens when teams stop treating sports like an entertainment product and only care about trying to win a championship five years from now. Pirates management hasn’t given fans a reason to come out to the ballpark and fans have behaved accordingly. Pittsburgh’s average attendance is fifth-worst in baseball this year.

The only thing wrong with that summation is MPWS aren’t trying to win a championship five years from now. They’re not trying to win a championship at all. Bob Nutting, worthless owner, knows he can make a profit operating just the way he operates now. Nutting from Nutting leaves Nutting. Bag that lux-tax cash and drive it to the personal vault.

(Fie on) the Pirates.

That’s pretty darned negative, Doc.

We’re taking baby steps, here. Be cool.

AND NOW, THE -ESPONDENTS.

FunMaster Brien goes parking:

Shawnee Lookout Park, in North Bend, is an excellent outdoor destination. The hilltop park features more than two thousand acres of nature trails and many exceptional spots to gaze down at both the Ohio and Miami rivers.

The park features trails with names that harken back to the first expansion toward the interior by our founders. Names like the Blue Jacket and Miami Fort trails. The grounds are very rich with heritage and history. The Springhouse School and Log Cabin are significant, as are the Native American earthworks. The sense of place here is truly wonderful.

And especially so this forthcoming weekend. Saturday and Sunday afternoon, you have the rare opportunity to travel back to the early 1800s. Settlers and early pioneers will teach about the inaugural era of Ohio’s statehood. Chores, gardening, cooking, and games of the day will all be on display and available to try out. Experts from the Society of Northwest Longhunters will be on hand to answer questions and help bring this exciting time to life before your very eyes.

This is a great opportunity for families to get out into the wilderness, have some fun, to learn where we came from and how we got here. Head to hamiltoncountyparks.org/parks/shawneelookout.shtm for more information.

IMBIBER DAVE HAS A FEW LAUGHS. . .

Brew Haha was last weekend! What an amazing time and absolutely perfect weather. If you’ve never checked it out, this event is perfect for the craft beer enthusiast. A mix of local and other popular breweries from around the country, it’s easy to find a perfect pour while you walk between standup comedians performing on four different stages. This year featured a number of new options, including the insanely popular White Claw, which is basically a vodka soda in a can. Natural Light even jumped into the game and created their own version. Cincy’s own Karrikin Spirits was there sampling their homemade spiked seltzers too. I focused my attention on some new beers, including locals Taft’s Ale House Juicy Justice IPA & Raspberry Nellie Ale, and 3 Points Origami IPA. Tasting some non-Cincy beers was fun too. Check out Platform’s LED Lager with Watermelon & Hibiscus, North High’s Five Pale Ale, and AleSmith’s San Diego Pale Ale .394. If nothing else, I assure you the comedians get funnier after knocking back a few samples in the park. Cheers! cincybeerguydave@gmail.com

STICK TO SPORTS. . . The White House wages war on energy efficient, environmentally friendly. . . lightbulbs. From the NYTimes:

The Trump administration plans to significantly weaken federal rules that would have forced Americans to use much more energy-efficient light bulbs, a move that could contribute to greenhouse gas emissions that cause global warming.

The rules being weakened, which dated from 2007 and the administration of President George W. Bush and slated to start in the new year, would have all but ended the era of the incandescent bulb invented more than a century ago. Eliminating inefficient bulbs nationwide would save electricity equivalent to the output of at least 25 large power plants, enough to power all homes in New Jersey and Pennsylvania, according to an estimate by the Natural Resources Defense Council.

Yeah, let’s stop being efficient and earth-friendly. No guvmint gonna tell me what kinda lightbulbs I can use. This is "Murica. Great Again. .