Chapter 6
Bad State of Mind
Not being familiar with this disorder or knowing anyone afflicted with it, I craved more information. I immediately went to the Internet when I arrived home. According to Wikipedia, dysthymia is “a chronic mood disorder that falls within the depression spectrum but with less severity than “major depressive disorders.” Chronic, according to Webster’s New World Dictionary, means “lasting a long time or recurring often; continuing indefinitely, perpetual and constant.”
So there it was, the answer to my anger, frustration and constant anxiety. For 44 years I’d been suffering from a depression that doesn’t go away and can be the root cause for other negative emotions like excess anger, lack of problem-solving skills, anxiety and frustration.
Dysthymia Facts
According to Harvard Health Publications, dysthymia is a Greek word that means “bad state of mind” or “ill humor.” During my research on this “bad state of mind” disease, I uncovered many interesting facts, including the following:
1. At least three-quarters of patients with dysthymia also suffer from another psychiatric disorder such as anxiety disorder, drug addiction or alcoholism.
2. Dysthymia affects approximately 3% of the population and is associated with significant functional impairment.
3. Dysthymia is genetic and is two to three times more common in women than in men.
4. Individuals with dysthymia have a higher-than-average chance of developing major depression.
5. Dysthymia sufferers are often seen as “moody persons.” They are often overly critical, constantly complaining and incapable of having fun.
6. Dysthymia often begins in childhood, adolescence or early adulthood, but most people delay approximately 10 years before ever seeking treatment. In children, this disorder is often associated with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, conduct disorder, anxiety disorders, learning disorders and mental retardation.
7. Dysthymic disorder happens in about 25% to 50% of people who have sleep abnormalities that comprise reduced rapid eye movement (REM) sleep and impaired sleep continuity.
8. Causes of dysthymia are complex and not yet completely understood. They range from sleep abnormalities, hormones, neurotransmitters and upbringing to heredity and stress.
9. Dysthymia is common in the elderly, particularly after the death of a spouse or the onset of illness, including but not limited to diabetes, Parkinson’s disease, cancer and heart disease.
10. Over 40% of women do not ask for professional help due to embarrassment. Over 50% of men and women do not seek help due to a belief that depression is a sign of weakness.
11. Among people with a form of depression, 80% will not seek help at all and 90% of African American males suffering from depression will never receive any help at all.
12. Dysthymia suffers are usually very capable of functioning in day-to-day life, like going to work, running errands and doing day-to-day chores. However, they are more comfortable with particular routines that provide structure, stability and certainty, especially if the individual also has some form of obsessive-compulsive disorder, even in a mild form.
Symptoms of Dysthymia
Signs of dysthymia are:
• Feelings of emptiness, hopelessness or worthlessness
• Insomnia or hypersomnia
• Poor concentration or difficulty making decisions
• Low energy or fatigue
• Low self-esteem
• Low sex drive
• Social withdrawal
• Thoughts of death or suicide
• Poor appetite or overeating
• Excessive crying
• Irritability
• Chronic anxiety or worrying
• Excessive or inappropriate feeling of guilt
• Unable to remember when the last time one was happy, confident or inspired
These symptoms tend to be less severe than major depression, but they do fluctuate in intensity. To be diagnosed, an adult must have two or more of these symptoms for at least 2 years.
Chapter 3
Unawareness
My journey out of denial was slow and gradual. It took years of events, thoughts and feelings to lead me to awareness. However, when it hit me, it hit me hard, unexpectedly and like a brick had fallen on top of my head. I can’t say an exact date or time I realized all my dysfunctions but it was probably in late 2008 when I was in deep in the midst of contemplating suicide. It was as if my skull had been split open by that falling brick and my brain released all of the denial. Denial left my body like a spirit departing a corpse, and I was stuck with nothing but unhappiness, disorder, pain and loneliness, sure that no one would understand.
Denial is like an 11-foot brick wall standing between you and awareness. Only the person who constructed the brick wall can knock it down. My brick wall took 42 years to slowly and gradually erode and fall apart. Once the wall was in pieces lying on the floor, I was free to see the beautiful world on the other side—a world I’d never known existed.
I understand why people don’t come out of denial. Denial is safe, familiar and comfortable, and it doesn’t require anything of you. At the exact time I realized my denial had lifted, I wished I had stayed in denial. The first glimpses of awareness and enlightenment were scary and intimidating, like a huge flesh-eating monster had been set free to consume “the old me.” I felt like a small child, lost in the wilderness, asking, “What do I do now? What direction do I go? How do I get to the other side?” Emerging from denial was mentally and emotionally painful. It was awkward and frightening, and I felt out of control. At the same time, I knew I would never be in the state of denial again—it just wasn’t possible anymore—but I wanted to go back anyway.
After the first few days of ditching denial, my first thought was that I should apologize to all my family, friends, co-workers and everyone I had ever met in my lifetime. I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I hadn’t realized my depression, anger and mood disorder long before the age of 44. No one around me could or ever would understand what it feels like. More helplessness and worthless sunk in as I realized I could never go back to apologize to 90% of the people I messed up with. All I could do was look to the future, find a cure for my anger and do better next time.

Synopsis
Award winning true story about one woman's struggle unknowingly living with a mild form of depression knows as Dysthymic Disorder.

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