Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Every so often, 'Saturday Night Live' does a sketch lambasting the
stupidity of the hosts on 'Fox & Friends'. And at the end of the sketch, a
crawl runs up the screen showing the corrections made to their statements in the
past two hours of the show.

I've been trying to collect them since the first sketch last year, and I'm
pretty sure I've got them all. And since today is Election Day, I figured now
was as good a time as any to share them......

From April, 2011:

President Barack Obama’s middle name is not 'Danger'.

First Lady
Michelle Obama was born in Illinois, to human parents.

'The first trimester'
refers to a stage of pregnancy. It is not a Tom Clancy novel.

Libya is a
country in Africa. It is not part of Saudi Arabia.

Singer Rebecca Black's
song 'Friday' refers to a day of the week. Not the Chris Tucker movie.

The
American flag does not have an eagle on it. Nor is President Ronald Reagan’s
picture on it.

Hawaii is part of America. Hawaiians are not of Arabic
descent.

Lil Wayne is a popular hip hop artist. He has never toured with
Wayne Newton. Nor does Wayne Newton have a dwarf brother.

Apples are not
vegetables. They are also not grown in Kenya.

Most scallops are edible and
safe when cooked.

'Jai Lai' is a sport played in Florida. It is not known if
the activity is preferred by Mexican drug cartels.

Bruno Mars is an American
pop singer. He lives on Earth. He has never been indicted or convicted of organ
trafficking.

Green is a color.

Moamar Quaddaffi is President of the
country of Libya. He has never driven a taxi for a living.

Ronald Reagan did
not create the lottery. Nor did he invent casual Fridays.

Jane Fonda lives
in America. She has never been photographed with Osama Bin Laden.

There is
no, nor are there any plans for, a 'Six Flags Baghdad.'

The Federal Food
Stamp program was not created by Karl Marx.”

Egypt has never had a mummy
President.

Your sexuality is not determined by your blood type. Nor is it
determined by your enthusiasm about the songs of Lionel Ritchie.

It is not
possible to catch AIDS by having a beard.

The state of Massachusetts has
never mandated that Mohammed be put next to Jesus in Christmas nativity scenes.

The sun is not made of 'hot gravy'. It is actually made up of several
gasses.

Cell phones do not cause Chlamydia.

Filmmaker Michael Moore has
never shut down the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade.

Supreme Court Justice
Clarence Thomas never fought in World War II. Nor was he ever given the
'Congressional Medal of Truth.' There is no such medal as the 'Congressional
Medal of Truth.'

A baby can only be created by sperm and an egg. A
homosexual cannot create a baby using trickery and the Internet.

Americans
landed on the moon in 1969. This was part of the NASA space program and not to
'get away from hippies.'

No one has ever eaten a pizza with their butt.

Former President Bill Clinton had nothing to do with the Rebecca Black video
"Friday.'"

From October, 2011:

The second president of the United States was John Quincy Adams, not Sam
Adams summer Ale.

A movie and motion picture are the same thing.

Juice
is a drinkable substance.

There are seven continents not one thousand.

The "West Memphis Three" is not a jazz quartet.

America is not currently
under a "level 9 liberty alert". There is no such thing as a "level 9 liberty
alert."

Presidential dog "Bo" Obama does not collect social security checks,
nor is he an undocumented Peruvian housekeeper in disguise.

Julie Andrews is
an award winning British actress. She has never been on trial for kidnapping.

Windows are typically made of glass

President Obama did not pardon
Carmen Sandiego

Flu shots prevent influenza and have nothing to do with
getting into heaven

Nancy Pelosi did not appear on an episode of River
Monsters

There is not now, nor has there ever been a plan to air-condition
the Grand Canyon

Herman Cain did not invent Pizza.

Christopher Columbus
sailed to what is now the modern day United States in an effort to find a trade
route to the West Indies. Not to flee the dragons.

No Transformers have ever
been found on the moon.

Flo from the progressive Insurance ads is a living
human being, not the ghost of a Civil War widow.

Africa is widely regarded
to be the origin of the human species. It was not "discovered only a handful of
years ago."

The Jewish Holiday just celebrated was Rosh Hashanah not Rush
Hot Bananas.

Nicholas Cage did not sign the Declaration of Independence.

There is no known connection between the Oklahoma City Bombing and The Bay
City Rollers

Electric cars are not powered by electric eagles.

Carrying
a child in a Baby Bjorn does not cause homosexuality, in the child or the adult.

The Washington Monument was not named after Denzel Washington. Nor was it
named after the Washington Redskins.

The Pope does not hold a world record
in speed skating.

Abraham Lincoln is not alive and living in Amish, Pennsylvania. There is no
such place as Amish, Pennsylvania.

Mount Rushmore does not include the face
of Spiderman.

There are indeed several laws that prohibit pointing a gun at
a mail carrier.

Pocahontas was not named after a stripper.

Vermont still
exists.

There is currently no bill before the house that would mandate the
eating of flan on Thanksgiving.

Mary Magdalene was not eaten by a dinosaur.

General Tso did not win the Civil War for the Confederacy.

Rick Perry
was not a contestant on "The Amazing Race" nor was he the winner of the Real
World/Road Rules Challenge

"Time in a Bottle" was never the national anthem.

Whole Foods does not provide free abortions.

From
May, 2012:

There
are currently no bills before the House that would require a woman to have a
transvaginal ultrasound before buying sunglasses.

The
Taliban is not producing a cereal called “Honey Bunches of Goats.”

Kirk
Cameron is not the voice of Siri.

Miss America is not third in the order of
succession for the Presidency, nor is Miss Teen USA fourth.

Airplanes do not
fly by flapping their wings.

Patricia Heaton did not win a Nobel Prize for
her work on “Everybody Loves Raymond.”

Hail consists of frozen water; it is
not “made of sins.”

President Obama does not plan to take the forwarding
option away from e-mail.

Disney World is not planning to add Rush Limbaugh
to their Hall of Presidents.

Nowhere in the Bible does it mention Garth
Brooks or Chris Gaines.

Turtles do not have “tiny TV’s and sofa beds” inside
their shells.

Pete Rose did not receive a lifetime ban from the Hallmark
Hall of Fame.

“National Treasure” is not a documentary even though it feels
very real.

Wisconsin is an American state and not “just a bit.”

Mormons
breathe air.

Horses do not have “teeth so sharp you wouldn't even believe
it.”

Children raised by same-sex couples are not statistically more likely
to let the American flag touch the ground,

“Psych” is a popular detective
show on the USA Network, not a super-secret NASA Mind experiment.

It takes
more than five to six months of medical school to become a surgeon.

Sour
Patch Kids are a snack food and therefore physically incapable of pulling a
knife on someone.

Congress has not declared a war on jean shorts.

It is
unlikely that Fareed Zakaria is Willem Defoe in character.

Babies tend to
like hugs.

It is not illegal to discard a Christmas tree.

John Wilkes
Booth was not wearing a hooded sweatshirt when he shot President Lincoln, nor
were the Lincoln’s attending a staging of “The Vagina Monologues.”

There is
no federal program called “Cash for Bees.”

You do not need a spaceship to
get to China.

The Watergate is a hotel in Washington D.C., not a portal to
an undersea kingdom.

The new World Trade Center does not transform into a
karate robot.

Seeing-eye dogs are neither able to nor allowed to drive.

It is likely that immigrants do not feed on the blood of our cattle at night
while we are all sleeping.

Baseball is a land sport.

It is widely
accepted that ears are used for hearing.

From September, 2012:

The Bible
was not a movie first.

Stalactites is not a childhood disease.

Iowa City
never elected Mayor McCheese.

Allegra is not a religion.

Jeremy Lin was
traded, not deported.

The sun and the moon do not high-five as they pass each
other.

Vaginas don’t look like that

A dead person’s skull does not contain
their memories.

Ron Paul is one person.

Not all cats are gay.

The
Atlanta Hawks are a team, not an infestation.

Ellen Degeneres never married a
car.

Benedict Arnold was not a character on Diff’rent Strokes.

A
wind turbine has never cut off the head of a pretty girl in a
convertible.

The Tasmanian Devil is not the president of Tasmania.

Star
Wars is essentially a work of fiction.

Al Gore never claimed to invent
Nintendo.

Hawaii does not rotate every six months.

Neil Armstrong was not
the first person to moon someone.

The Keystone Pipeline is not filled with
Keystone Light.

Swiss banks are not “full of holes.”

Camp David does not
have a sister camp called Camp Denise.

Oogielovie is not a sexually
transmitted disease.

They did not make Mars after the Mars Rover.

Monica
Lewinsky was never in an internment camp.

Six comes after five.

Kim
Jong-Un is not the CEO of Yahoo.

Left-handed people cannot read your
thoughts.

Lobsters are not “ocean spiders.”

Cat Fancy is a magazine, not a
man/cat dating website.

The U.S. Postal Service never released a Kesha
stamp.

“F” is not a blood type.

Parsley is not one of the Spice
Girls.

Usain Bolt is not a new action movie starring John C. Reilly.

Libor
is not a giant praying mantis.

Old Navy is not one of the armed
forces.

The letters in “Massachusetts” cannot be rearranged to spell “same
sex marriage.”

Crabs don’t breast feed.

Animal Planet is not an acceptable
nickname for Telemundo.

Marco Rubio does not play for the Timberwolves.

Al
Jazeera is not the co-host of “Tool Time.”

Babies never “skip ahead” to being
10.

Angela Merkel is not a palindrome.

You can’t outrun polio.

The
Negro League is not “back and better than ever.”

Latin inches is not the
Mexican metric system.

The Russian national anthem is not the U.S. national
anthem played backwards.

Rocky never fought Lassie.

From this past
weekend:

Transitions lenses do not reverse the gender of your eyes.

Sandy Duncan
did not “sponsor” the hurricane.

There are many black people, not just one
who is a master of disguise.

Brian Kilmeade did not invent the term “smoke
‘em if you got ‘em.”

Not all pigs are born with human feet.

Angela Merkel
is not the female version of Steve Urkel.

It is permissible to say the word
“Mexican” on television.

There is no celebrity named Rape Romano.

Condoms
work every day of the week. Not just Tuesdays.

Trees do not have bones.

There are a finite number of people in
China.

Burritos are not “male tacos.”

The Constitution is a living
document, but it cannot walk around.

Chef Boyardee is not the Prime Minister
of Italy. He is the Vice President.

Paul Ryan is not faster than a
cheetah.

FEMA is not slang for female.

Many Hispanics own their own
cars.

The Statue of Liberty was not a gift from Santa.

At no point has
Dorf been the number one golfer in the world.

Lance Armstrong did not trade a
testicle for steroids.

Michael J. Fox does not have “multiple
sandwiches.”

Apple Maps is not a map showing where the apples are.

8 is a
multiple of 4.

Women’s vaginas are below their waists.

“Kris Krostie” is
not Chris Christie with his pants on backwards.

Afi Komen was never the U.N.
Secretary General.

Haitian does not mean “half-Asian.”

Last Wednesday was
Halloween. Not a “ghost invasion.”

Mr. Met has never announced a preference
for any religion over the other.

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Just An Old Cowhand On The TiVo Grande

As the Trickster once said, "Reality is boring, that's why I change it whenever I can."
I'm just "The Man Who Viewed Too Much", and "Inner Toob" is a blog exploring and celebrating the 'reality' of an alternate universe in which everything that ever happened on TV actually takes place.
Most of my theories about the TV Universe come from thinking inside the box and thus can't be proven. But I've never been one to shy away from a tall tale.....
Remember: "The more you watch, the more you've seen!"