Sunday, March 28, 2010

Treasure Box

Today, while I was cleaning out my room, underneath my bed I decovered a pink shoe box. If you weren't the owner of the box, you couldn't tell that its pink because all over like delicate scribbles were love quotes in my messy handwriting. That box was titled 'Treasure Box' because during the almost 5 months of my first relationship, it hid all of my memories of my ex-boyfriend.

When I opened the box, a bear smiled at me with words of love. "I love you" is now meaningless.
My ex-boyfriend now hates me. I don't actually blame him but I never lied to him about my feelings. When I was with him, he made me happy. I never lied to him when I said "I love you". I was lying to myself. I truely believed that I was happy but deep down inside a part locked from my heart was the truth: I was lonely. I wanted to be loved by someone. Anyone.

He was always there for me but there were times where I knew that beneath his smiles were lies. Lies because he wasn't who I wanted. Lies about his personality. There were times, where he hurt me so much for reasons I couldn't understand. The relationship was messed up; I knew it but I couldn't let go. I couldn't say: Let's break up. I didn't want to be alone even if it meant I was living a lie. Even if happiness was merely a mask tied really tightly. However eventually, I realised that things could no longer drag on like this. I had to let go and because truthfully my heart was still unconditionally filled with music strummed by someone else.

I'm sorry was what I said when we broke up. I thought he had undestood me but apparently spending almost 5 months with me was not enough for him to understand the type of person I am. Truelly, I was sorry but he became angry and said words more hurtful than mine. It's ok, I think because I learnt something from this. It's ok because I don't need someone who doesn't understand.

The Treasure box, I no longer will keep it. I'm a little sad to let go of memories but I don't need something to remind me of someone who doesn't understand me enough to know that I wouldn't lie about love.

When I say "I love you" that means I want Eternity.

PS: OMG I absolutely adore the new Blogger designs. so easy for someone who can't do the HTML codes thing.

If it were me, I would keep one thing from the Treasure Box. Not too big, not too small. Just one thing to remind you of what was and what could be.

I have a Memories box and a box for my first lover. The Memories is of everything from fights to friends to family, random items that help me remember how I got to where I am. And then the box of Him, it's full of our letters, notes, movie stubs, a ring won at an arcade, the receipt from our first date, his shirts. It's duct taped and hidden in my attic. But it's there nonetheless. Reminding me of how far I've come and still how far I'm willing to go to find love.