Oh, gentlemen, perhaps I really regard myself as an intelligent man only because throughout my entire life I’ve never been able to start or finish anything... Every man has some reminiscences which he would not tell to everyone, but only to his friends. He has others which he would not reveal even to his friends, but only to himself, and that in secret. But finally there are still others which a man is even afraid to tell himself...

Friday, September 28, 2007

Shallow Gal

I find difficulty relating anecdotes which don't have any added value to them. I can only be sarcastic and angry and I have no sense of humor that satisfies me, generally because I find others' humor not so satisfying either. The things that go through my head are not as trivial as thinking how absurd women look in nineties tights, I mean they do go through my head but I don't feel the need to share it with the world. I would have loved to be funny, but somehow the way my mind operates does not allow me to reproduce the humor going through my system.

In any case, it goes to show that I’m one of these people who think about life, abstract values, and emotions and like to analyze things to get a better understanding of life and so on and so on and the bla bla bla that come along with all that. This may seem a bit of work for others who have got life figured out easily without need for this mumbo jumbo, but it doesn’t work for me. I like to explore the gloomy side and the alternate side of life.

I think it would be a blessing to be what they call ‘shallow’, which is taking things at face value rather than trying desperately to dig down to the mantel and core. It would be an easy life to think I got myself figured out and others around me figured out too, but I’m just not built that way. ‘Shallow Gal’ said I have issues and that I’m disturbed or something of that nature and I actually cracked up.. I can’t reproduce the humor of why I laughed so hard, but perhaps because I found Shallow Gal too shallow and because she just doesn’t know much about life, she thinks anyone who gives things a second thought must be disturbed.

Well after I thought of ways to tear down Shallow Gal on account of her superficiality and her naïve yet satisfactory understanding of the world (her satisfaction that is), I decided that maybe I’m only making myself feel better thinking that I’m somehow better just because I care about the dark and gloomy side of the world. Maybe I’m just incapable of being what they call shallow and my consolation for certain miseries I encounter on account of that is that I think of others as wanting or ‘shallow’. I mean if you can get by and be happy without going through the dark thoughts I go through, then I think you should be commended rather than mocked.

What do I know, I might be disturbed indeed, but at the rate the world is treating everyone, I’m guessing I’m not alone out there. Many may have no clue what I’m going on about, but some others may know that this has become our lives, to think of something further and look for something deeper.

This is who I am, after a party, I can’t just write about the scandals that happened and who was too drunk to do what and other bizarre incidents which I find interesting by the way. I would write about solitude, about that most lonely feeling you can get while you’re in a crowd. I would write about how you’re left with yourself even though you mingle. I would write about how I’m so conscious of myself when I’m drunk and realize I’ve been so isolated from the crowd around because I’m trapped in a shell called me. That’s what I would write, but I suppose others would write about a man drooling over them or an insanely funny drunk conversation.

I don’t think it has anything to do with being better, it’s just how people are built... I’d rather live miserably in what I perceive is the truth, than live happily in a lie... That about sums up my build. I'm not saying that others are only happy because they're living in a lie, I'm just saying that I personally find many truths a cause of some sort of misery and I'd rather continue digging them up than discarding them along with their misery.

I think if I were 'shallow' I would find such things utterly boring and if I were as they say ‘deep’ I would find this utterly useless because people want to search for themselves perhaps, but maybe for those few who have similar thoughts it might be interesting since they feel understood.

I write about what it feels like to be forgotten as a person and unappreciated, but why should popular people think of these things? I think about outcasts and people who are not socially capable of making good friends. I think about people who conform to society so much that they forget to be themselves and lose any natural chance they had to be special. I think of people fighting inner battles with themselves to change something that only sheer will can change. I think about how to take the fall in the way that best makes you strong. I think about how certain ideas that are generally accepted can be wrong. I think about what I can do to correct whatever misguided perceptions I may have.

Yes… all in all I think I’m just disturbed rather than dark or deep or any of that, I’ve seen some of life’s darker side and have no choice but to continue dealing with it. Would I have been less disturbed if my life was all great and perky? I don’t know. Would I have been Shallow Gal if things were different or is it just the way people are built? I don’t know.

8 comments:

"Would I have been less disturbed if my life was all great and perky? I don’t know. Would I have been Shallow Gal if things were different or is it just the way people are built? I don’t know."

ahuh.. if your life was "perkier" maybe you wouldn't have been as "disturbed"! Ok, i just had a convo with a friend, discussing all that (so this post just struck me at the right time) and we finally concluded that yeah.. it's a little bit of both, it's how you're built and how your life turns out to be. the combination of both is what determines how "disturbed" or shallow you are.

so what about those who think about most of these things, dwell a little in the dark side, yet make believe that they are still happy?? like.. they could dwell further on the matter to PROVE to themselves that they are actually "happy".. and they could use the same logic and thorough way of thinking to get themselves out of the dark side.... umm.. what would u call that? (other than the obvious option that they could be living in utter denial?)

Will,I like this post a lot. It also struck me in the right time since I am currently declining a job offer which I find would need me to be "shallow" in order to enjoy or to excell... I wrote about it & would like to hear your point of view. I dont know... maybe I am looking too deeply into it.Arent we all disturbed somehow? I know people that literally have no problems yet still choose to be miserable or dig into the dark side of things... I think it's something to do with character & whether they are valid dwellings or insights depends on the situations you are living as Maat said.

The shallow in general, regardless of the sex, are easily amused/distracted. Their interest in the complex and baroque is usually a fleeting trice. As they never allow themselves to venture into the deep.

@maat, I don't actually think that happiness and dwelling are mutually exclusive. Some people can try to be happy irrespective of how things look. But dwelling on how happy you are doesn't sound healthy. I mean when you're happy, you just are.. no need to go through labyrinths but when you find something dark, that's when you need to explore. (but that's just what i think)

@Jade, I've read your post and I think you're right to decline for a variety of reasons, will pass by and let you know. However time has been short lately, to blog or read. I guess this post has reached border line dwelling without a cause, I really don't think people should go looking for trouble at all.. that's just mad.. because there's a diff between a desire to think about the dark and a desire to live there.

As my eyes raced through the lines you've written I kept thinking to myself "How come he's expressing exactly how i feel?"

I am one of those people...always exploring the darker side of life, always dwelling, contemplating, looking for the abstract, for some kind of truth.

"This is who I am, after a party, I can’t just write about the scandals that happened and who was too drunk to do what and other bizarre incidents which I find interesting by the way. I would write about solitude, about that most lonely feeling you can get while you’re in a crowd."

Ouch! That is exactly how i feel after social gatherings...lonely...and that feels good in a way and i enjoy the solitude.

And yes we are disturbed :) I have had many people tell me that...but I do enjoy that too.

I think the problem is that we look for deeper more fundamental things that are sometimes beyond what is possible to see, and we disregard everything that is superficial, temporary or shiny...so we're left with bare truths, and sometimes ugly truths. And there's nothing pleasant abouth that.

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