Chicken-Fried News: God bless the Greens

By Gazette Staff | July 29, 2014

(Madeline Hancock)

God bless the Green family as they part their hair to the right, put on ties and prepare to fight for America’s soul. When they aren’t avoiding playing their fair part in the capitalist regulatory system by (now legally) denying relevant health care for female employees (but, really, why participate fully when you can simply benefit from the established economic system?), they are spending millions on biblical artifacts that they plan to display in a nonprofit Bible museum close to the National Mall in D.C.

The planned site is bigger than Noah’s ark at 400,000 square feet and is in a historic district, and both of those facts are holding up their plans as they wait to have the renovation approved.

Washington D.C. council members also are concerned that the museum will preach to visitors more than it will actually educate, which would further blur the lines of church and state. (Which might be what the Green’s want. But who knows?) Maybe they just want us to know the historical relevance of the cyclops and nephilim that once walked the Earth in Genesis. Surely they have those fossils to display for the world to see at the museum, right?

So far, the only artifacts mentioned have been old Bibles. Our advice? Go to a local library if you want to see old books.