Friday, December 30, 2005

Meet the New Love of My Life

I bought a new stylish (read: black) iPod this week. It’s my most favorite-ist toy… ever! It’s so freakin’ simple and it does so much—the video is crystal clear… I can’t say enough good things about it.

Currently, I could listen to it for three and a half days and not listen to the same song twice (that’s over 1500 songs!).

I figure it will pay for itself when I sell* all my CD’s to Street Light Records as I will never need them again (yes, I’m backing it all up). I have hundreds of CDs with only one (sometimes two) good songs on them.

Going to the Apple Store was a real treat (he said sarcastically), everyone working there can't be older than 15 and most of the customers aren’t any older than 7. I’m not sure if by buying one I am “youthful;” a sad, pathetic old fart attempting to recapture my youth; or a sad, pathetic old fart who never grew up. I think by writing “youthful” with quotes around it gives me a clue that I am definitely not “youthful” in any way shape or form. But, like all sad, pathetic old farts, I’m oblivious to that fact as much as I am that I am driving with my blinker constantly on.

Well, I need to get back to my music as I still have a stack of CDs to be converted and it’s almost 1:30am (hey, that’s early if you’re “youthful”).

*The only bad thing about selling the CDs is the look I will get from the sales clerk about the crappy stuff I own. It’s the same look I get at a garage sale: people judge you on the crap I’m getting rid of. I didn’t want most of it in the first place… seriously!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Hot Man... Unfortunate Choice in Underwear*

I know I should be writing more, but I'm on vacation and I feel like slacking. Hopefully, I'll post in the next few days. I need to give my review of Brokeback Mountain (let's just say that more than just my thumbs were up) and Christmas with the family (my sister-in-law and I debated "The War on Christmas" and how she knows what bigotry is because she's been a victim of it--and when I tell you why, you will not believe it--I'm still stunned by her comments).

I'm sure I'll write before the New Year, but if I don't: Happy New Year!

*Hmmmm... by the look of it, I suspect he's celebrating Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah).

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Sunday, December 18, 2005

What I Like About You

Well, it’s been a busy week here at S&T—visitors are coming from all over the world, and the one consistency is that everyone appears to be a pervert.

Yes, Giada De Laurentiis continues to be the top search bringing people to S&T. “Giada De Laurentiis Boobs” is the number one search bringing people to S&T (10), “Giada De Laurentiis” (8), “Giada Boobs” (2), and “Giada De Laurentiis (1). Another Food Network star, Sandra Lee was also in demand—with searches for her boobs, bra and feet* were noted.

Celebrities continue to bring in visitors, as the searches for a “shirtless” Jake Gyllenhaal, Anderson Cooper, Chris Evans, Tyler Florence are all in demand.

What I often find interesting are the other items on the search page and where I fall into the search. Often I am not at the top of the list (particularly on any search involving “feet”), however, I was stunned at a search for “Slap & Tickle” not only resulted in my being fifth on the list, but one of the top search results was for this site. (What. The. Fuck?)

Whatever reason, or sick & perverted search brought you to S&T, thank you for coming. Come for the Giada (and her boobs), but stay for the comedy.

*I think he’s the same guy that was checking for Giada’s feet—or the freaks are congregating at S&T…**Dude, seriously, get some help…

Friday, December 09, 2005

A Lonely (1/16th) Jew…

I originally wrote this in December 2002 for an emailed version of S&T. In light of the controversy over pasting “Merry Christmas” everywhere, I thought this seemed appropriate to dust it off and post it online. Enjoy.

As many of you know, or don’t know, I’m 1/16th Jewish. That’s right, my great-great-grandfather was one of the founding Jewish families of Santa Clara County. However, he eventually married a Catholic and because of the sway of the Catholic Church, we have been Catholic ever since (who said the inquisition was over?).

My sister and I decided to get in touch with our heritage and celebrate the glorious Festival of Lights by lighting a Menorah. Being raised as Catholics, neither of us had any practical experience with this holiday. I had researched the prayers (pretty easy, thanks to the internet) and when to light the candles (at sundown), but we didn’t have any candles. On December 1st, the first day of Hanukah (also spelled Hanukkah and Chanukah—for what reason I still don’t know) I went to the store to buy some Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) candles.

I walked into the first store and found the “Holiday Section” of the store. I searched through all the “Holiday” items (note, I did not write Christmas, the area was noted as “holiday,” thus, making one think they are talking about more than just Christmas). Unfortunately, there were no Hanukah candles to be found amongst the “holiday” selections. Alas, there were no Hanukkah or Chanukah candles either. In fact, there was nothing even remotely associated with Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah). I do know that Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) is indeed a holiday, so I was a bit taken aback, considering I could only see one holiday being pushed.

I did manage to check out their candle section, just in case they might have stocked the area with the various types of Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) candles that should be available, but the only thing that came close were birthday candles… not exactly appropriate for the Festival of Lights. Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) candles are supposed to burn for several hours, unlike birthday candles which are designed to burn for about four minutes: the time it takes you to walk from where they are lit to where the birthday boy/girl waits to blow them out (generally about 10 feet). Using birthday candles is not exactly the best idea, since you use the first candle to light each day’s candle and by the time you are finished lighting the eighth day, your fingers are burned and your candles are pretty much melted.

I decided not to bother the staff, as they were busy with all the early Christmas shoppers and didn’t seem to have any time for a lonely Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) candle buyer.

The next store had all of their decorations up, and I started to peruse the 12 aisles of “Holiday Decorations,” while Christmas Carols blasted over the Musak. The only thing I could find that had anything to do with Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) was a “L’il Fingers Protector,” to help kids light the menorah without burning their l’il digits (probably from using birthday candles). It was in the shape of a menorah, but ended up being the only Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) item in the entire store. What other “holiday” celebrates with stockings, Christmas trees, wreaths, Santa Claus, candy canes, and manger scenes? It sure as fuck ain’t Ramadan…

I asked the at the kid at the counter if they had any Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) candles… to which you would have thought I’d asked: “Hey buddy, what’s the square root of infinity?” I worried his brain would burst. He asked his manager who gave me a similar look and asked, “Hanukah… candles?” as if this were a new concept and the Jewish people had not been doing this every year for over 3,000 years. After scratching her head (and hopefully contemplating a new hair style as well as a good dandruff shampoo), she shrugged and suggested I use birthday candles, “Because,” she smiled, “after all, it is all about a birthday, now isn’t it?”

I gave her a look of such shock and confusion she looked at me and said, “You guys celebrate birthdays, don’t you?”

I smiled and replied that yes, indeed the Jewish people did celebrate birthdays, but the one distinct difference between Judaism and Christianity was the fact that we do NOT celebrate the birth of Christ. I should have only been 1/16th pissed off, but I was beginning to think that this was a conspiracy against Zionism and was a full 3/4th pissed off.

I went to the next store and found that the great Christmas decorating beast had reared it’s ugly head and in doing so had vomited every possible combination of tasteless and annoying Christmas decoration upon every stationary item in the store. Standing in front of the 12 different manger scenes (one included Santa coming down the chimney of the manger to put presents under Mary & Joseph’s tree!) I decided to cut my losses and leave immediately.

Walking into Walgreens, I had some hope. At the entrance was a “Holiday Greeting Card Station” and amid the 800 or so different Christmas card sets, sat two sets of Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) cards! My people have found the Promised Land! Which was a good thing, since Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) starts at Sundown and it was 4:30pm.

However, after quickly walking through the store, I realized why my people had walked the desert for 40 years: they weren’t lost, they were trying to find freaking Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) decorations!

In desperation, I walked to the front and asked about Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) candles. Well, you’d have thought they had never heard of Jews before! Was this a conspiracy? Were my people being systematically wiped out by the Christians… again? When the manager walked up, she said (I shit you not): “Why do you need candles for Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah)?”

“I believe it’s called the “Festival of Lights. ‘Lights’ is pretty much key to the whole ‘Festival’ aspect of the holiday. No lights, no festival.”

“Oh.” She replied, staring at a cute little manger snow globe with baby Jesus holding a candy cane. “We have a large light section…”

“You don’t even know what a menorah is, do you?”

At this point, I was pretty enraged and she had that look on her face like she was trying to see where security was. She suddenly smiled that big, fake, salesperson smile that says “fuck you, asshole. I’m going to do my best to just get you the hell out of here” and said, “What about birthday candles? After all…”

Realizing that I had lost, I bought a bunch of birthday candles. As I left the store, both the idiot behind the register and the manager wished me a “very Merry Christmas.”

I’ve only been a practicing 1/16th Jew for two hours, but I already am pretty pissed off with the Christians. For those of you celebrating Kwanza next month, I have two pieces of advice: shop early and stock up on birthday candles.

Merry Christmas…

Since the writing of this article a number of Jewish and non-Jewish friends informed me of a number of wonderful locations which sell Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) candles, and now I'm fully stocked for the next 236 Hanukahs (Hanukkahs/Chanukahs).

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Is it just me, or does it seem strange that supposed Christians are insisting that “Merry Christmas” be posted in stores and malls instead of “Happy Holidays” or the admittedly awful “Merry Xmas”? If I am understanding these people correctly, they want Christmas to be even more commercialized?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Godspeed, Wendy…

Wendy Jo Sperber lost her battle with Cancer on Tuesday, November 29. For those of you unfamiliar with her work, she was a wonderful comedic actress that really should have been used more and should have been much more famous.

I first discovered her in “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” a brilliant comedy about Beatlemania and the Beatles first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show. She was absolutely hysterical and just the thought of her performance as Rosie makes me smile.

She burst into more of the mainstream in “Bosom Buddies,” easily stealing scenes from Tom Hanks, Peter Scolari and Donna Dixon. The show was a cult hit, thanks to her brilliant comic timing.

If you still don’t know who she was, she played Michael J. Fox’s sister in the Back to the Future films. Those films present a perfect example of wasting talent: there she was, a great comedian, forced to stand on the sidelines, doing nothing.

The bigger waste was that she was never the great success that I thought she should be. She had the talent, but, for whatever reason, superstardom was not to be. I don’t know if that was by choice or by bad choices, I only know that we are better for having enjoyed her talents while we had the chance.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the fact that she spent the last years of her life dedicated to the cause of Breast Cancer Support and started weSPARK, "A place to meet new friends, to exchange information, to explore new ways of coping and new possibilities for healing."

Thank you, Wendy. You brightened my life with your talent and compassion, for that I shall always be grateful.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Holy Moly! He's Purty...

This guy has obviously made a pact with the devil to look like this. How do I know? Because, he said to the devil, "Make me unbelievably cute with an amazing body, perfect skin and abs that people will kill for..." And the devil said, "Sure... but I'm gonna give you fucked up hair."

(click on the image to make it bigger... he really is quite lovely. But that hair! I fear straight-boys throughout the country will emulate that and that is so sad).

Sunday, November 27, 2005

I would like to begin by thanking the Food Network and the desire for the public to see them all “shirtless” and a distinct desire to see Jack Hourigan and Giada de Laurentiis’ boobs. Not just “boobs,” mind you, but someone wanted searched for “Giada de Laurentiis big boobs.”

Speaking of, someone wanted to see Ina Garten’s boobs as well. Actually, the did not state “boobs” or even “big boobs.” No, their search was for “Ina Garten Jigglers.” I’m pretty sure they weren’t looking for Jell-O™.

A shout out to my future ex-husband, Anderson Cooper—I had six people arrive at S&T attempting to find him shirtless. They must have been terribly disappointed.

On only one search was I both in the number one and number two spot: “not slap just tickle.” I’m not sure what the hell that was about, but I’m very popular in that search. Good for me.

I can only imagine what was going through the head of the poor Spanish-speaking soul who stumbled across my site and decided to have it translated from my ‘adequate at best’ use of the English language into Spanish. For those of you who are curious, “Naughty Pillows” as described in Breasteses of the Week can be translated as “almohadillas traviesas.”

Oh, and some guy found my site by searching for…. (wait for it)… “breasteses.”

*That is the most aptly described website... ever. I don't recommend it at all, unless, of course, you're into midget sex--then go for it. Otherwise, think about breasteses and think that you're a pervert. Seriously, you don't want those images bouncing around in your head---that shit just ain't right... 1) I apologize for the term "midget." 2) I apologize for insinuating that l'il people sex is somehow perverted.3) That is some freaky shit... seriously... freak-ky.4) Again... apologies.

Friday, November 25, 2005

How Not to Sell Clothing I love Waiter Rant. It's an interesting site and he has some interesting stories. He recently added a shop to his site... the above picture is how he is "marketing" the men's T-shirt.

Is it just me, or does that make you want to NOT buy a shirt? I guess if I only had one arm, it might make me buy one, but are there a lot of one-armed men running around? And is that necessarily a market one tries for?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with a one-armed man, but it certainly didn't help Helen Kimble or her poor husband, Dr. Richard Kimble, who was framed for her murder--only to escape and become a Fugitive trying to clear his name. Honestly, who doesn't think of that when one thinks of a one-armed man? And is that the best way to sell a shirt.

Maybe he's trying for the pessimists out there who think they are going to lose an arm. Which begs the question, how big of a market is that? But, I'm still at a loss to the appeal of Britney Spears, Paul Rudd, and Paris Hilton--so what do I know? That said, I'm still not buying a shirt...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Partly cloudy and 68 degrees... It's a bit chilly, but it is winter (or close to it). Let those on the East Coast have their "seasons" this suits me just fine.

Today, I made French Onion Soup, so we could eat "light" the day before the main eating event of the year. However, the tons of cheese on top really shot to hell any idea that it was a light meal. I've said this before, I'll say it again: "Cheese is good."

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends! To my friends overseas (and the occasional Canadian and Brazillian reader): I hope you understand what Thanksgiving is, because it is very difficult to accurately describe.

Basically, as you read this, I am either stuffed to the absolute limit--with turkey (with gravy), mashed potatoes (with gravy), stuffing (with gravy), sweet potato pie (sans gravy), wine, pumpkin pie and spiced pumpkin cheese cake (which I made thankyouverymuch)--or I am about to start eating so I can become stuffed to the limit with the above food. It is a glutonous event. A shameful site if there ever was one... but, damn it's good.

The idea is that we are to gather together as a family and give thanks we have each other. In actuality, it's a day we gather together as a family and spend the day wishing we were with anyone but our family.

We stuff ourselves so full of food that we can not move so we won't kill our cousin who, when we were 13 "pants'd" me in front of a bunch of kids at my new school and pretty much ruined my entire high school social life... uh... I, er, um... like I heard that happened to this guy one time. Because, if I got pants'd, you know that would actually make my social life... no, really, it would. (whatever.)

I think the universal theme is that everyone loves their family, but wouldn't have them as friends, because friends wouldn't put up with the shit that families dish out. I love my family, I really do. But they do drive me nuts--as I'm sure I do them, for what reason I couldn't possibly tell you, because I'm fucking adorable to be around... really. I am. (whatever.)

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Shirtless Boobs Well, my brief boobs experiment has not paid off quite as handsomely as I thought it would. While my numbers are up, they aren’t up that much—I guess people can smell my failure from 50 feet even on the internet…

Anyhow, if you look at the chart above for the last month, you can see that Carmen’s FCC’d Boobs definitely bring in the eyeballs, but so did Scooter Libby and National Deviled Egg Day.

The other jumps were for those weird Asian guys singing N’Sync and that strange (yet tempting) Chicken Payback song. If I’m in a pinch, apparently a lack of boobies can be made up for by having some sort of strange song to play… or eggs. Eggs work, too. (I’ll have to remember that.)

However, looking at my referrals, it seems that any “hot” woman’s name and “boobs” produces eyeballs. That goes for any hot guy and the word “shirtless”. I’ll have to make sure I place words like “Katie Holmes Naked” and “Matthew McConaughey shirtless” randomly throughout future postings to guarantee people will click over.

I had one amusing one (and I’m NOT making this up: Someone from Google Asia was looking up “amazing lacist.” Oh. My. God. Naturally, my racist bit was the number one search result… how shameful for me. —Anderson Cooper Shirtless!— How could I stoop so low?

I must thank Miladysa—Anna Nicole Smith BOOBS!—and Evil Gay Laywer—Jake Gyllenhaal Shirtless!—because so many of my referrals have come from their sites. I want to thank you both for your kindess in promoting —Natalie Portman BOOBS!—my humble site.

Well, my break is over, I need to finish up some work—Heath Ledger Shirtless!—I still have talk about my car accident... —Tom Cruise BONKERS!—

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Breasteses of the Week(Boy, what a pair!)

The above breasts (or breasteses, as many folks are want to call them—also, boobies, knockers, Janet Jacksons, gazongas, yabahoes, etc.) belong to Carmen Electra. I’ve blocked out the nipples, not because they’re obscene, but because they were kind of funny looking. Sort of like a popped zit… (like I said: funny looking).

“Why,” you may ask, “Why would you, an obvious gay-boy, put up a pair of breasts (breasteses, jugs, hooters, major-league yabahoes, etc.) onto your Oh-So-Gay blog?” Eyeballs, baby. If I can get a few more eyes on these pages, then my ego is stroked, and we all like to have our ego’s stroked, don’t we?

Sure, it will bring in the occasional straight-boy or two (they can quickly Google away to Angelina Jolie + Underwear + Crotchless + paprika and have at it). I’m hoping a few questioning guys will check out the hottie guys and decide to join the darkside—or will laugh at my jokes and stick around. Maybe even one of the straight-boys with a secure sense of sexuality will stick around as well… who knows?

Then again, if the boobies thing don’t bring in the eyes, I may have to go with “Hot Ass on that Guy Mondays” or some such nonsense. For those of you not interested in the above photo of Carmen’s “Electras,” take heart and check out this guy):Um… wait, not him… I meant this guy:Oh, yeah... much better...

Like all relationships that are going to end, there were warning signs. I knew it was going to happen, but I had faith. I had hope. Yet, once again, my faith in the intelligence of the American people is called into question (you’d think I’d learn by now).

FOX television, the network of idiot shows like “Who Wants to Marry A Multi-Millionaire” and “When [insert something like “animals,” “cars,” or “small woodland creatures”] Attack” has pulled the plug on the best live-action comedy show they have on their crappy little network: “Arrested Development” has been cancelled.

I haven’t been able to write for the past few days, I am so bummed about. It’s a brilliant show, and there are DVD’s, but it’s not the same. Not the same at all.

I was hoping HBO, Showtime, or some other cable company with a brain would pick it up, but no luck. The show won a slew of Emmys this year! Can't an award winning show find a decent home? Is that too much to ask, America?

I'm sure in a few years there will be a huge cult following of the show and people will wonder why it was cancelled. Thanks, America for not f'ing thinking. I shouldn't be surprised, these are the same people that voted for Dubya... they watch "funny" shows like "According to Jim" and "Yes, Dear." Visigoths!

I think I’m going to curl up in bed with a gallon of ice cream and cry myself sleep.*

I’ll try and be funny tomorrow when I write about my car accident (there’s a happy-happy-good-time-fun-good-time-make-you-smile story if there ever was one).

Thursday, November 10, 2005

For EGLEGL asked--pleaded is more like it--to remove the picture of "The Governator" and replace it with something more to his liking. Well, EGL, I don't know if you like this as much as I do, but--God bless him--this guy is cute as a button!

I believe his name is Derek Cruz and I believe he may--or may not--be some sort of "model in the adult entertainment industry." I don't care what he is... he's just darn pretty to look at.

I'd elect him governor... of course, I'd elect just about anyone over Arnie (with the exception of Adolph Hitler and Mel Gibson, who may--or may not--be the same person).

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Ahnuld has been soundly rebuked by the voters of California (or Kaly-Fornee-a, as he mispronounces it). All of the initiatives he pushed for to extend his power have been shot down by the people.

$82 million in public money has been wasted on an election no one but Arnie wanted… and now he’s been politically humbled. Oh, the pain this has caused him is delicious… You know, maybe $82 million is about right to watch him fall on his ass. Oh, wait, didn’t he already do that with “The Last Action Hero”?

Look, Arnie, we brought you in to fix the problems of special interests in government and its become obvious that you are beholden to them. As Governator, you decided that the processes we have in place to prevent a power-grab was inconvenient for you. Well, as Linda Hamilton so aptly put it: “You’re terminated, fucker.”

Good luck on getting re-elected next year… oh, and I guess this puts the whole ‘pass the Arnold Amendment’ thing to rest. Finally, the tide turns away from the Republican Girlie-Men and their idiot policies…

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

National Deviled Egg Day

Proof that there is a celebration for everything, today is National Deviled Egg Day. Don't get me wrong, I love them little deviled eggies (mmmmm... delicious), but after a few, I'm pretty much done for the next year or so.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Scooter Indicted!

I don’t know all the details, but my sources tell me that Scooter has been indicted in the “Plame-gate” scandal. I’m not shocked at all.

First, I think this explains the failures of the Bush administration. Scooter was the Muppet Theatre gofer (not even the theatre manager, what is he doing as Dick Cheney’s chief of staff? Is this the first time someone so clearly unsuited for a job has been propped up by this administration? No. Harriet Meier and Michael Brown are two examples of this failed policy.

Note: I believe I found a picture of the two of them from many years ago—look at Dick, he looks human there—oh, how the years of corporate greed have sucked the very life from him, or is it the fact that his heart has been removed and never replaced?

Would you be surprised to learn that Sam the Bald Eagle is Rumsfeld’s chief of staff? It explains quite a bit. While FOX “news” has avoided commenting on this, my investigation on this matter will be thorough and embarrassing to this administration.

I intend to prove that there is a vast conspiracy of Muppets throughout the White House and US Government that is attempting to bring down the US from within. Yes, Kermit “Al-Mofuzzed” Frog, one of Bush’s top advisors, is the mastermind behind it all. I’m surprised that Bush would allow someone who vehemently supports “Felt Marriage” would be included in such an important position.

I believe the facts will support the following are in high-level positions within their respective departments:

Oscar the Grouch, Department of InteriorLink Hogthrob, NASA (Pigs in Space, indeed…)Miss Piggy, Department of the TreasuryDr. Bunson Honeydew, Science AdvisorBeeker, Advisor to the Science AdvisorFlying Zucchini Brothers, NSAThe Great Gonzo, State DepartmentCount von Count, Department of EducationElmo, FBISnuffleupagus, CIA (being invisible is the only rational choice in the bunch)Cookie Monster, Department of CommerceBert and Ernie,US Delegation to the United Nations

I will not rest until I get to the bottom of this, or get distracted by something shiny…

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Food for Thought

Recently, I was thinking about Julia Child. She’s been gone for just over a year now, and I’m sad to think with all the “celebrity chefs” today, that already she is being forgotten. Julia was the one who brought food—good food, mind you—to television. She cooked what no viewer might ever cook, she had ideas that people may have never considered and, most importantly, she took the level of cuisine in America and brought it up to… to… well, actual cuisine!

I can’t say that Julia herself inspired me to take cooking classes, but her influence upon the food and television industry certainly had an effect upon me. A few weeks ago, I took my first weekend cooking class at the California Culinary Academy in San Francisco. While I had a wonderful time and learned a lot (I can now confidently cook a whole chicken and have it turn out juicy and delicious, with hardly any effort at all), the best part was talking with the other students about what inspired us to take the classes in the first place.

Every last one of us was inspired by a television show.

While we spoke of our love of food—both eating and cooking… with me, it’s mostly eating, we discussed those shows that held our particular interest of late. I first brought up America’s Test Kitchen* and how much I loved it for the fact that no one on there is “television ready.” They aren’t “pretty” in the TV sense—which means, they are nice, normal people, unlike the Food Network, where everyone is pretty much beautiful.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the Food Network. The have some great shows and the drawing power of the star chefs certainly make the network fun to watch, but I can’t say I love all of them the same. Here’s a quick rundown of my impression of Food Network’s “stars.”

Giada De Laurnetiis (Short, cute, big boobs). I’ve written about Giada before. I adore her and her show. Everything she cooks looks delicious and sounds fantastic. I don’t know who her sound people are, but they do a hell of a job.

Paula Dean (big stick o’ butter) With Paula, it always begins with a big stick of butter and the calories go up from there. She’s down home and like everybody’s mama. Even if you don’t like to cook, Paula is fun to watch. If you’re a straight-boy, you’ll probably like Giada better…

Emeril Lagasse (“Bam!”) Am I the only one who can’t stand his show? I cringe every time he says “Bam!” Enough already! He’s a good chef, but the moronic studio audience waits with baited breath for the fucking “Bam!” If he just sat there for the entire show screaming “Bam!” over and over, they’d applaud and beg for more.

Alton Brown (Food Scientist) How I do love his show… he’s like the Bill Nye the Science Guy of food… only far more entertaining. Goofy things happen all the time, strange things appear out of nowhere to make a point, and yet, they don’t feel out of place. I always learn something watching that show (but with my bad memory, I always forget when it comes time to cook…)

Rachel Ray (The Giggler). She is the perfect compliment to Alton Brown’s preciseness, as everything she does is “eh…. Throw a little of this or that in and see what happens.” I have her cookbooks and I enjoy her show—although, I have never completed a 30 minute meal in under 45 minutes (one “30 minute meal” took me over an hour and a half!). I like her—despite the constant giggline—but I don’t like myself for liking her…

Barefoot Contessa (The Good Neighbor) Ina Garten is so sweet and she’s adorable in the sense that you would want her as a neighbor. She cooks and entertains, she’s fun and you know if you ever needed anything, her kitchen would have it. She’s like the kind Martha Stewart: she does so much, but she has this great happy attitude the whole time, you never get the sense she’s thinking she’s better than you (even though she probably is).

Semi-Homemade (canned crap) This is the show that everyone should be watching, because no one (and I mean no one) wants to spend hours cooking something you can shortcut by using something equally good or better from a can. However, Sandra Lee “themes” her show and “decorates” with the tackiest shit ever. By the time the show ends, I want nothing to do with anything she’s concocted. And yet I watch.

Bobby Flay (BBQ) I used to like him, but something about him bothered me and it wasn’t until I met someone in class who actually had met him that I found out: he’s an asshole. He’s arrogant… let’s just stop right there. Arrogant? Why would he have the need to be arrogant? Dude, you fucking barbeque. My dad barbeques. My mom, the gourmet, won’t go near the grill. How can you be an arrogant asshole about barbequing?

Tyler Florence (hipster) and to a lesser extent (a much lesser extent) Jack Hourigan. First, who names a girl Jack? Second, what does she do on the show? She sits there and watches Tyler cook. That’s what I do… and I don’t get paid for it. Tyler is charming and a great chef… but what the fuck is Jack doing besides throwing out “the jokes” that no one ever laughs at… especially me.

The rest of the shows aren’t really worth mentioning. While Dave Lieberman seems like a nice guy, I just can’t get into his show. I love (I mean LOVE) Jim O’Connor and “The Secret Life Of…” it’s not really a cooking show… I also won’t include both versions of The Iron Chef (the badly dubbed original Japanese version and the Iron Chef America, which takes on such challenging cuisine such as “hamburger” and “beef”).

Oh, yeah, then there’s the Low Carb and Lovin’ It (not “Loving it,” but “Lovin’ it”) which is all that Atkins stuff that I can’t stand. If your one of those idiots that loves Atkins so much, then go eat your pound of bacon and shut the hell up, but don’t try and tell me that eggplant instead of pasta is going to somehow taste good…

While I may be taking some hits at The Food Network, I have got to admit, they’ve got a lot of people watching and interested in good food—and that’s fantastic. I just don’t think Rachel Ray’s giggle is worth four (count ‘em FOUR shows on that network).

Back at the CCA we were finishing up our lunch and continuing our discussion of who we hated the most on the Food Network (sorry, Sandra… “Look at me, I’m Sandra Lee, cooking with no dignity…”) we dished while we dined… it was a great time.

It wasn’t until I was driving home that I realized that no one mentioned Julia Child (including myself). I guess fame fades, but legacies live on forever. Ultimately, changing the way America cooks and eats will be her legacy. And, as Julia Child would say, “Fuckin’ A!”**

Now go out there and cook something, damnit (and use a good bit of butter… Julia and Paula will love you for it!)

Bon Apétit!

*They used to be America’s Test Kitchen Live! but the show was taped and never in front of a live audience, that they finally—and wisely—decided to dump the Live! (and that dumb-ass exclamation point)

**Okay, she wouldn’t have said that, but the damn thing was ending on a down note—and I don’t like that… not one bit.

According to some guy, my blog is worth two thousand bucks. wow. Like all things financial, I have no idea what this means. But I do know this: even on the web, I'm not worth a whole hell of a lot, thankyouverymuch.

You'd think putting hot guys on the site might get me some bucks... maybe I should start adding boobs? Boob o' the day might get some guys to check it out and increase my quasi-net worth.

I never thought about my blog being worth anything, so now that it's (kind of) worth something, I'm concerned I need to beef up sales... but I don't have any sales to beef up, so I'm even more confused...

I'm going to go eat a big bag o' dorritos and think about this...

By the way: I'd put up the link to his site, but it keeps f'ing up and I only get half the image, or it's distorted. However, the link to his website works perfectly. So, screw him--if he can't get it to work right on my site, I'm not shilling for his ass...

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Get Well, My Friend I'm a bad blogger... I failed to read a friend's blog (who always reads and comments on mine) and she's in the hospital. Miladysa is a wonderful writer and the creator of "Fit Bit Friday."*

Currently, her very handsome husband is watching over her blog while she is recuperating. I want to wish her a speedy recovery and issue an apology for only now realizing she's been away.

I encourage any of you who have not read her blog to go over and catch up. She's a terrific writer and there is some fascinating work there that should not be missed.

*Incidentally, I used "fit bit" in a bar this weekend to great success. As I was walking out, I saw a little cutie comment about another little cutie, "He's a fit bit." Miladysa, you're a hit in San Francisco!

I Want it That WayThis has been sent to me so many times in the last few days, that I’m sure you may have seen it already. If not, it is so worth watching. Two guys mocking the crap out of N’SYNC (I think it’s N’SYNC… some boy band). Brilliantly executed. There are some outtakes at the end that give me the impression that these guys spent hours trying to get this right.

I haven’t watched them yet, but these two have made a few more videos… links are to the left of the video.

Never Play Quarters With This DudeIf this guy is in college, he’s never gone to class… he has spent all his waking time practicing Quarters. He’s brilliant at it. As Scooter said, “If only he’d use his powers for good.”

PORNUCOPIAAs anyone who knows me can tell you, I have two great passions in life: porn and Food Network… pretty much in that order. Well, writer Frederick Kaufman has written an article in the latest Harper’s Magazine—“Debbie Does Salad”—that the Food Network is porn. No wonder I’m constantly watching it!

He breaks down the shots they use—particularly Giada De Laurentiis and the sound design of her show, which is very similar to over-produced sound found in many pornographic films.

Kaufman describes Iron Chef as “classic fetish porn” and compares Tyler Florence’s Food 911 show to the ‘pizza guy’ who shows up to assist a housewife with a cooking problem, “there's always the sense that when it's over, if the husband doesn't get home in time, there's going to be a quickie,” states Kaufman.

And little Rachel Ray is the girl next door that everyone is in love with. He compares Giada De Laurentiis as Ginger to Ray’s Mary Ann. And all these years I never realized that Gilligan’s Island was porn…

Friday, October 21, 2005

Chicken Payback

Cav sent me this.* It's the weirdest/funniest thing. The song is odd in that it is extremely catchy. All morning I've been singing about "chicken payback" and "monkey payback" and "donkey payback" and "camel payback," oh, how it goes on. I haven't a freakin' clue what it's about, but I know I'm enjoying it.

And the weird Japanese dancers? Someone will have to explain that to me...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

1) Why is there a need for a new one, when the old one was so damn good looking and fit the bill perfectly?

2) Isn't James Bond supposed to be attractive? Seriously. I'm sure Daniel Craig is a nice person, but he's more of a Bond-Villian than Bond.*

3) See point one... or pic below.Now that, my friends, is a Bond. [sigh...] Women want to sleep with him, men want to be him, girly-men want to sleep with him and be him. I just don't get it. Why mess with perfection? Brosnan was the quintisential Bond. Better than Connery, I think (before you write to complain, let me just point out that unlike Connery, Pierce doesn't use a piece. A bald Bond? As the Brits would say** "Fuck that shit.")

*I went through tons of pictures (thank you Google Images!) and that's the best I could find of Craig. I think I know where most of the next Bond f/x budget is going...

**I'm not British, so I don't know what they'd actually say, that's only what I think they'd say... if I knew what they'd say.

So, whenever you see a handsome young man walk by you can look at your friend, smile and say, “dye-pack.” Ladies, you can use it too! I’m afraid I have to draw the line at straight-boys using it. You go and find your own way to express yourself (I’ve been in enough locker rooms***** to know you guys already have eight billion ways to describe anything and everything sexual).

So, go forth my reader(s) and use it at will.

*Often used when Mr. Right walks by and you’re gossiping about someone: “…and she was all up in my grill and I was like, “Look, be-yatch, don’t you be messin’ wit my man…” [Hottie McHotterstein walks by] “…anyway.” See? Brilliant! However, it got so overused that it’s lost it’s meaning.

**there was no test marketing, but you knew that, right? Of course, right.

*** You know the kind, the one with the giant dollar signs on the side.

****1) neither of us really wished to be robbed (because we’d pee in our pants), 2) neither bank used those cool dye-packs, and 3) I would never use the word “thwart,” but Scooter would.

*****not in a good way.

For those of you who are wondering... his name is Josh Wald--and he's a total dye-pack!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Another Celebrity Break-Up

Silo and Roy have officially ended their six-year union. I am devastated.

About six years ago, Silo and Roy, two chinstrap penguins at the New York Central Zoo, began “making a nest together” (as the kids call it). They even raised an abandoned egg on their own and named it Tango (okay, I think the handlers named it…) They became minor celebrities and really pissed off the "Ex-Gays".

From what my sources tell me, a female penguin, named Scrappy moved into the zoo and Silo started helping her build a nest. Shortly thereafter, Silo and Roy had a bit of a spat and Silo took his favorite rock and moved in with the whore.

No word has been set yet on custody of Tango, or the splitting up of their communal property—including their NYC nest, a compound in Malibu, as well as a production company (“Two to Tango Productions”).

Word around the penguin tank is that their divorce is being handled by the same “private divorce judge” used by Brad and Jennifer.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

So… Who’s the Father?

Tom “I’m SO not gay” Cruise and Katie “I’m so brainwashed" Holmes have announce that she is pregnant… apparently, by Tom!

No word on if Tom's boyfrie… er, I mean, his masculine and oh-so-good-looking-he-can’t-possibly-be-straight Scientology Counselor (OSGLHCPBSSC for short) was there to “assist” Tom (OSGLHCPBSSC: “Okay, Tommy, visualize something hot like… like… you’re doing this to me…”)

In all seriousness, congrats to the couple. I’m sure the child will grow up to be incredibly good looking. It will also be seriously fucked up.

Wow. I never expected this. Nick & Jessica are over? How? Honestly, how did it last this long? Jeez, I would have been out the door the second Jessica uttered her infamous “Chicken of the Sea” question. I guess Nick really loved that rack…

My Prediction:Nick’s career will falter for a while until he eventually succumbs to alcoholism when he’s in his early fifties, dying in the arms of a woman (by “arms” I mean “while in the middle of a squabble over payment to a tranny-hooker.”)

Jessica will do better career-wise, until a series of unfortunate plastic surgeries makes her all but impossible to recognize her as a human being much less as her former self. Her breasts, however, will have a long career long after both are forgotten.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

What Gives…?

So Bush has nominated White House Counsel Harriet Miers to be on the Supreme Court. Once again George finds the least experienced to fill a position of great responsibility. He just won’t be satisfied until the entire country is in ruins… and then he’ll say he warned us in advance.

What scares me most about Ms. Miers is neither the fact that she is a hard-right conservative, nor the fact that she wants to repeal Roe v. Wade… no, what scares me is that she said President Bush is “the most brilliant man [I’ve] ever met.”

What the...?

What is he showing these people that he does not show the rest of the world? And if he’s so “brilliant” how come we never see any evidence?

My theory is: he’s really not that smart, they are all just really stoned and he’s the one who can still talk. You’ve been there*: you’re all baked and some guy is rambling on about the universe and it’s all on the tip of a pin and your mind just explodes. The White House is just a big smoke out and Bush rambles on and everyone listens:

George: Dude… what if we invade Iraq? We could have ALL the oil—and they hate Saddam as much as we do, so we’d be, like, heroes or something.Rice: That is SO wicked cool… you’re like… smart… and stuff…Cheney: I’m so wasted I can’t feel my heart attack!

[they all laugh… until Laura walks in the room]

Rove: Dude, you’re so busted!Laura: What have I told you about smoking out in the oval office? George, put on your pants. Condi, where’s your bra? And would someone find the defibrillator for Dick…

Monday, October 03, 2005

What are you searching for?(No, really, because—quite frankly—it’s a little weird)

So, I’m checking to see what brought people to my website over the past week and I made an amazing discovery: people are insane.

Do I blame the nut-job and their search, or the search engines connecting said nut-job to my site? Frankly, I don’t know—but the only way to find out would be to conduct a freaky word search and I think I know where that will get me: right back here. You know it’s true.*

Here is this week’s Top Ten most bizarre searches that brought people to the wonderful world of Slap & Tickle.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I’ve Got a Secret

For those of you that do not have the pleasure of living in the San Francisco Bay Area, I have a well kept secret for you: the perfect time of year to be here is now. The weather is spectacular—85° in San Jose today, currently 75° at 8:00pm—I’ve yet to see a cloud in the brilliant blue skies over the last two days, there is no fog in The City, tourists have left for places far colder and stranger (well, stranger by our standards)… but the best part: a plethora of hot, half-naked men!

They are everywhere! With their summer tans and still sporting their muscles they’ve spent a summer perfecting, they move about—running or playing basketball… gloriously shirtless. Gloriously. Shirtless. Let the rest of the country worry about cooling down, we are in the middle of a terrific Indian Summer and I am enjoying it to the fullest.

On my way home I saw a number of guys running about shirtless and I almost crashed three times (they were well worth dealing with the worst insurance agent). I’m always amazed to see in real life guys with bodies I usually only see in porn. It’s just amazing… and so wonderful… and it’s all mine for the ogling—leering as some friends have noted. Either way, I’m going to enjoy the view completely.

…sigh…

This will go on for a few more weeks and then the leaves will quickly turn and drop. The weather will get chilly (face it: the weather never gets that bad here), and people will bundle up in long pants, light sweaters and the occasional jackets, denying me my precious view. Guys won’t run as much, they’ll workout indoors, or they’ll stop working out and I’ll have even less to look at (or more, depending on how you view that).

But for now, we are in the middle of this wonderful time of year and I’m enjoying the ogling (leering) to the fullest.

Monday, September 26, 2005

"Would you believe...?"

Don Adams has passed away at 82. Get Smart was one of my favorite shows while growing up. If you want to know why, click HERE. Thankfully, through reruns, Maxwell Smart will live on forever, because a voice like that should never be silenced.

I wish I could write something a little more elegant, but I’m not too good at obituaries. As Max would say, “Sorry about that, Chief.”

"Do Ask; I Tell!"(c)

About Me

Chris bakes, bartends, walks dogs, makes a lovely wedding gift, slices & dices, lifts & separates, cooks in only seconds, bends, folds, mutilates, dances, prances, soars, bores, snores, files, piles, dials, kneads reeds and beads, floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee, pickles prickly peppers, sells sea shells with Suzy by the sea shore, chucks wood with woodchucks, lifts stains effortlessly, is new AND improved, is the brother of three, the uncle of five, the father of none, and a direct descendant of a guy named Lazard. He was married in November 2015 to a handsome and amazing Frenchman named Frédéric.