LAKEWOOD, OH—Jeffery Miller, a car mechanic based in the Cleveland area, is reportedly happy with the length, girth, and performance of his penis.

“Yeah, it’s pretty good, I guess,” says Miller, 36. “I’ve never had any problems with it, and my wife seems to like it all right.”

According to The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average American penis stands 5.6 inches when erect. Miller claims his penis is “around 6 inches,” though other data suggests his trouser schnauzer is closer to 5.2 inches.

Miller has refused to disclose whether his penis is circumcised, and will neither confirm nor deny a slight curve in either direction. Still, Miller insists he is “OK” with his Little Richard.

“Do I wish it were bigger?” asks Miller. “Yes. What guy doesn’t? But I have what I have. No more, no less.”

Miller’s boss, a mechanic named George McGregor, became hostile when asked about the size and performance of Miller’s penis. Not only did McGregor deny ever seeing or otherwise experiencing Miller’s thunder, the master mechanic firmly asked this reporter to leave the premises.

Members of Miller’s gym, family, bowling league, homeowners’ association, and church had similar reactions to hard questioning. However, one gym-goer said, “I don’t know, man. He always wears a swimsuit in the shower.”

“Frankly, I’m not sure why this is newsworthy,” says Miller. “Please stop following me and asking people about my penis.”

Such resistance to questioning arouses suspicion, among other things. Further reporting to come.

T. J. Carter lives in Portland, OR, where he writes and edits blog content for small and medium-sized businesses. He enjoys watching endless nonsense on Netflix, losing arguments to his cat, and nothing else. You can see more of his work and listen to his podcast at inmediasrad.com

I fear the reporter here is making the mistake of becoming part of the story he or she’s covering. Hopefully, it will turn out that this reporter doesn’t have an ulterior motive to take down poor Jeffery Miller.