Articles

Posts Tagged ‘gay-straight’

“I have met a straight spouse 'survivor', and over time I found I really admired her and like her very much, but I am finding that dating her has its hidden challenges. She was very honest and up front, and is 3 years post finding out. She has dealt with the aftermath with dignity and courage. But I sure would like to be aware of the pitfall issues, especially where it triggers feelings. I can deal with the emotions; just don't want to cause her hurt. Would you consider a do’s and don’ts column for those of us that appear after?”

~ ~ ~

This sincere call for help noted that such an article would be a “tall order,” but it spotlights another aspect of the straight spouse journey—finding happiness with a new partner. What should a new suitor know about the distinct needs of a recovering straight spouse? What particular sensitivities remain that could sabotage a subsequent romantic relationship?

Let’s open the next chapter. What does a person dating a straight spouse need to know to create a wholesome and positive bond? My book, When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual (The Haworth Press, 2008) has whole chapters on related topics, but for this article I posed the question to three straight spouses who have previously contributed comments to this blog. I also asked my most obvious source, my own husband, who stumbled on a few pitfalls himself in our early days together. All of us have walked this path and all contributed to the advice summarized here.

Common Challenges; Sage Advice

Fear and loss of trust. Break-ups after a mate comes out are fraught with feelings of betrayal. Trust has been destroyed because what appeared to be true was not. The fear that such deception could happen again creates a long-lasting wound that takes years to heal. Vague suspicion surrounds each potential suitor, who must prove his sincerity. As one survivor noted, I think it’s a good idea for anyone who gets into a relationship with a straight spouse to expect occasional insecurity, even some suspicion that you might be hiding something.

Kathe was specific about her requirements: The big three I looked for in a new relationship were truth, faithfulness, and commitment. I decided that I wouldn’t compromise any of them. Ask for and give complete honesty. Talk through the source of fears and offer repeated reassurance that this is a new start. That was then, this is now. As Louella put it, I cango on trusting until I discover a reason for distrust.

Lingering anger. Every divorced straight spouse carries hidden triggers or hooks for blocked anger. It simmers under the surface and flares unexpectedly. Some hold it longer and more deeply than others. Triggers are individual and unpredictable, rooted in past experiences that no one else can fully comprehend. This pitfall requires patience, understanding, and often forgiveness. A good practice is to try to stand in the straight spouse’s place, exchange yourself for her and see each incident from her perspective. This develops empathy for her wound. Recognize and try to avoid the hook that precipitated a particular outburst.

Shame, self-doubt. Straight spouses are repeatedly asked, “Didn’t you know?” The implied “How could you not know?” is one source of the deep-seated shame that many feel. Feeling stupid is the common result, often leading to long-term self-doubt. Obviously the gay partner was adept at deception. The kindest approach for a healing straight spouse is frequent, mutual reminders that the one who was misled is neither stupid nor blind—just deceived.

Nervousness about intimacy. Volatility in a new relationship may be rooted in sexual insecurity. As Jackie put it, When you’ve been sexually rejected, or you’ve been blamed for the sex in your mixed-orientation marriage not being good, or you’ve otherwise had emotionally fraught experiences with sex, approaching sex again tends to be scary because in the past, it’s been traumatic. I think it’s a good idea for anyone who gets into a relationship with a straight spouse to occasionally expect some sexual insecurity. Once again, patience, empathy, and understanding are needed.

Unexpected, recurring grief. Changing family and social ties and the disintegration of one’s expected future invite bouts of recurring sadness for straight spouses. They endure many losses that have to be grieved, sooner or later: Divorce, loss of identity, shaken friendships, family alienation, feelings of worthlessness.

Deep wounds require long healing. Louella Komuves wrote a book to help herself heal (Silent Sagas: Unsung Sorrows, iUniverse, 2006). After eleven years happily remarried, Louella recalls an example of repeated grief. The date of her anniversary with her first [gay] husband was approaching. Next year, that anniversary will be 50 years ago that we married. When I realized that, suddenly I needed to be "sad" because that time would not be celebrated in the very special ways that both my parents and in-laws enjoyed. . . . However, knowing that my second husband is a great listener, I had no trouble sharing with him my sadness. Once I said aloud what I was feeling, it was like getting the thought "out of my body" and gave me the renewed freedom to be content in my current status. It is natural to grieve personal losses, like missing a benchmark anniversary, but episodes like this pass even more quickly with an understanding listener.

Shared values. For many straight spouses, compatible spiritual paths are a vital component of complete recovery. Shared spirituality as a core value grounds relationships. At the very least, tolerance for differences in belief systems is essential for lasting connection. As Louella observes, it was not important that the man belong to my religion (mainline Protestant denomination), but I needed him to know how important my personal involvement in church activities is to me. Though her husband feels welcome to participate, he doesn’t feel obligated to join Louella’s church. Instead, each encourages the other to practice their individual spiritual journeys—in a loving, open, supportive atmosphere.

Wisdom from experience. My husband, Dale, who has lived through Kevin’s dilemma, offers his advice on loving and understanding a recovering straight spouse.

Examine yourself. This new relationship is more complex than most. What is your goal for the best possible outcome?

Keep talking! When you hit a pitfall, ask exactly what happened and how it felt. Ask her to help you understand her needs. Your own sensitivity is a good foundation for this developing relationship.

Be aware and accepting of her lifelong relationships formed prior to your life together. Her family ties, her history with a gay husband, her children, friends from her previous life—these will not go away and may become more complicated. You’ll have to put the pieces of this puzzle together in a new design that works for you both.

You can’t hate. Accept your new reality and try to drop negativity. Also understand that her recovery will be complete when she can truly forgive.

Realize that long-term healing will be required. It takes several years.

Finally, when you hook an emotional response, talk it out immediately and remember that the trigger episode from the past “doesn’t belong to you.”

Shared responsibility. A survivor’s new mate should give frequent reassurance to support renewed self-confidence, but both people carry responsibility for the ultimate success of their developing partnership. Jackie articulated the point very well:

I still have a responsibility to be in good working order. It’s one thing to ask a partner to tag a base every now and then—“no, I’m not hiding anything” or “yes, I think you’re sexy”—but it’s not okay for me to be a constant ball of insecurity. I have a responsibility to know my triggers and not bite my partner’s head off if he accidentally sets one off. And if there are desires or habits that aren’t a good match, it may mean that we’re not sexually compatible--not because there’s something that needs to change about him. So, kudos on the sensitivity, but you never have to sign up for bad treatment or become a different person sexually just because a straight spouse has gone through a trauma.

Find professional help. Addressing recurring issues requires unique solutions for each couple. There are no neat formulas to follow. For that reason, it is important, perhaps imperative, to engage in joint and individual counseling with informed professionals. Use these resources to work out your best possible future. Drawing from her own experience, Jackie’s reminder applies: You never have to sign up for bad treatment or become a different person just because a straight spouse has gone through a trauma. Hopefully, her great qualities outweigh these inconveniences, and the satisfying parts of the relationship are worth the price of admission.

Cheryl was married to Joe for 15 years when she stumbled onto evidence of homosexual liaisons on their home computer. Stunned, she couldn’t believe that he had been arranging meetings with various men for months, but a deeper look at his emails and internet history made it undeniable.

Cheryl confronted Joe directly and he seemed almost relieved to admit his secret activities that had gone on for more than four years. His clandestine meetings with other gay men had gone beyond superficial sex and he was deeply involved with another man. For weeks Joe had wrestled with plans to come out to his wife and say that he wanted to leave her. Clues he’d left on the computer were not entirely accidental.

The two subsequently separated. During the following months Cheryl tried to reconcile herself to her new single life, alone in an apartment, trying to pick up the pieces of her shattered confidence. She couldn’t help wondering what Joe was doing, how he and his new boyfriend were getting on. She couldn’t forget happy times she and Joe had shared, though she tried to stop remembering. She knew they couldn't recover their marriage, which was irretrievably broken, but she and Joe had a long history together and she still felt tied to him.

Cheryl’s challenge was to make a clean break -- first to grasp the fact that her marriage was over, and then to distance herself enough to recover.

Stories like these are common. It seems particularly difficult for women to let go of their emotional ties after a separation. What does it mean “to let go” anyway? When a gay-straight relationship ends, the best definitions of this stage of recovery come from straight spouses themselves. Here are some suggestions from the Straight Spouse Network, gathered from people who have moved through their conflict.

Letting Go

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I don't control another.

To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another. I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective. It is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

How these definitions might apply to a particular situation depends upon the individuals’ interpretation, but the principles are sound. These definitions point to one conclusion: The only factor we can control is our own mind. Change your mind and you change your life.

Cheryl managed to pick herself up by starting with small adjustments in her daily routines. She painted the walls of her new apartment her favorite color, light sage green. Living in a different neighborhood, she shopped at a new grocery and found a choice coffee shop in easy walking distance. She joined a fitness class and got acquainted with a whole new group. She stopped talking about Joe to her old friends and made a conscious effort to live in the present moment, not looking back. She even adopted a fresh hairstyle and a more casual, comfortable way to dress. In short, Cheryl recreated herself and reconfigured her life as a single woman. She is moving on!

Singer Lena Horne famously said, “It’s not the load that breaks you down. It’s how you carry it.” That concept applies perfectly to Cheryl and other straight spouses who have conquered their grief and fears to thrive in a new way. Letting go is the first step.

The complexities of a mixed-orientation marriage increase exponentially when one or both partners suffer addictions. A recent email from a straight spouse highlighted this multi-layered affliction. Here is an excerpt from her message.

My husband and I met over 13 years ago. . . . Twelve years later he came out to me and to many acquaintances. At first I did not see how it could change what we had. Now that he has been out for a few months, I am having difficulty coping with my feelings. We still love each other, but I have lost my trust in him . . . . I feel all alone. We both suffer from alcoholism and drug addiction. We have over six months of recovery and are active members of AA. That is why this all came up. My husband was working on clearing the wreckage of his past, and his true self came to the surface.

Addictions themselves add enormous difficulty to the problems of a coming-out event. Two major life changes are happening at once—getting sober and revealing one’s true sexual identity. The entire family is affected by both challenges. While the12-Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous has effectively helped millions recover from dependence on alcohol and drugs, working through the steps transforms people in fundamental ways. They set out to conquer their addiction, but in the process they alter their ideals, standards, and daily life. An elemental shift is happening, whether it is the gay or the straight partner engaged in the AA program.

These psychic alterations further complicate their marital dilemma. For example, AA’s Step 4 requires a deep and fearless moral inventory of character defects and wrongs done. Step 5 demands openly admitting those wrongs to a neutral party. Steps 8 and 9 require making amends to anyone harmed by earlier actions. People spend months or years occupied with these steps toward sober living.

The drama is even more complicated when both partners are in AA. If they both fully participate in the 12-Step program, each understands the transformational process. But if only one partner experiences this psychic shift, the mate’s alienation increases. The chasm widens and the probability of saving their marriage diminishes even further. Still, the indisputable benefits of overcoming a drug and/or alcohol addiction make recovery efforts intrinsically worthwhile.

Perceived dangers to a rocky mixed-orientation marriage should not deter an alcoholic from joining AA. Day by day, recovering addicts and alcoholics reconfigure their very lives. Sincere adherence to AA’s 12 Steps can lead to freedom from addiction, while simultaneously mapping a very different life path. The work involves total honesty around self-centeredness, resentments, fear, and sexual behavior. A spiritual awakening often occurs as a person’s “Higher Power” is identified. Viewpoint, values, and lifestyle all drastically change. Lies and secrecy are no longer tolerated. Minds are clear, not muddled by chemicals. Ongoing personal assessments fuel even more change.

At best, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, and humanitarian service are evidence of the personal growth encouraged by AA. The downside is that the partners may grow in different directions and recovery from addiction becomes another catalyst to separate. However, statistically, these gay-straight relationships have less than a 15% chance of survival under any circumstances, even if addiction is not present. The most positive conclusion, of course, is to have both partners living the life they choose, clean and sober, productive and proud, whether gay or straight, single or together.

“Stages of Recovery,” dated May, 2008, is the most
frequently visited page on this blog. Visitors
to this site look for reassurance that their current misery will eventually
heal. Like other straight spouses before
them, they seek to understand recognizable steps toward their own
recovery.

After the early stages of shock, confusion, denial and
self-blame, straight spouses face the realities of a mixed-orientation
relationship and its rush of tough decisions.
This awareness leads to anger and despair, along with profound
grief. We mourn the loss of security,
trust, and expectations of a predictable future.
We are set adrift in a sea of uncertainty and we grieve our loss as we
grief a death. Indeed, it is the death of
the future we’d planned.

This “dark hole” of rage and grief may last for months or
even years. But for most, often aided by
competent counseling, deeper healing begins.
How do we know when this turning point has come? What hopeful signs can we see? Centura Health offered a useful list of these signs in their
September, 2007 issue of Seasons of
Grief.” A summary of the article is
relevant to straight spouse recovery and offers markers of progress.

You
look outside yourself with enough energy to reach out to others while
coping with your own grief.

You
can express and live with your emotions, as they lessen in intensity over
time.

Episodes
of emotional turmoil abate.

Sadness
is often present, but does not deepen into depression.

You
open to social contacts and resume traditional ways of being in the world.

You
let go of guilt and blame, realizing that you did your best.

You
have glimpses of meaning in life, moments of hope and joy.

You
begin to plan for the future.

As grief subsides, most straight spouses reinforce their own
inner resources, looking forward to new interests and new friends. For some, forgiveness is possible as wounds
heal. This is a new beginning. When we see every experience as a teacher,
every stage of recovery as fuel for waking up, we are well on our way to wholeness
and a happier phase of life.