CRAIG FERGUSON: I’M HERE TO HELP (2013) – Full Transcript

– The first time I saw Craig Ferguson, I was in the hospital on morphine, And the nurses came in and I was laughing my head off. And they said, “what is going on?” I’m like, “this guy’s so funny!” – I’m excited just to be in the same room as Craig. He’s my celebrity crush, actually. We’ve already talked about this. I get to go. – I hope tonight he swears… A hundred times! I don’t wanna hear the bleep! – He’s got a robot skeleton sidekick, And he calls his fans the robot skeleton army. It all makes perfect sense. – If you watch the show and you don’t like it, then I can’t help you, ’cause it’s the best I can do. So fuck you.

– It’s a great day for America, everybody! It’s a very exciting day for me. I’m very, very happy to be here. Here in Washington D.C.! I’m very happy to be here. I love this town… With its things. I do, I love it here. I’m very excited to be here. I’m very excited to be in the historic… No, I’m very happy to be here. I know everybody says that. Everybody says, “oh, I’m so happy to be here!” And you can’t blame them. You can’t blame ’em. And you can’t walk on a stage and go, “ah, fuck! Not this dump again!” That gets awkward. Even if you’re thinking it, which I’m not! No, I’m very happy to be here! “Craig, how can we trust you? How can we trust you? We’ve been hurt before.” Here’s how you know I’m genuinely happy to be here. About two years ago– a little less– My wife had a baby. Thanks, everybody! I had sex! Yeah, so there’s a little baby. There’s a baby living in my house– An actual living baby in my house. So you know I am fuckin’ happy to be here. This whole idea of doing a special And stand-up comedy shows Just so I can get a fuckin’ night’s sleep. That’s all it is. I just want a night in a hotel, Some room service, and some porn. That’s all I want. Something delicious, and then room service. Don’t worry, I’m not just here to get away from my children. I’ve got a joke for you. I’ve got a joke, don’t worry. I’m sure I do. I do! I have a joke– A joke for you told to me by my friend drew carey When he was fat. That’s important– when he was fat and funny. Not this thin drew carey. Not this thin, Orville Redenbacher motherfucker That he is now. Fat drew carey! Fat! When he was funny. Because fat is where comedy is stored. That’s what I tell anybody that sees me naked. I’m like, “what are you talking about? These are my jokes. There’s titters. There’s a couple of titters here. People tittering, there like a… And there’s my big finish. Here. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’m not just here to get away from my children. I’m not. I love my children. Of course I do. They’re beautiful… Whatever their names are. They’re gorgeous. No, they are. I love my kids, I do. And I was– I adore them. I was right there when they were born. I was right there when they were… Conceived. I think. You can’t be sure. One of them’s Asian. That’s not true. That would be awkward though, wouldn’t it? Like, congratulations, mr. Ferguson. Look! An Asian baby. No, I was definitely, you know, there– Well, I don’t know if I was there when they were conceived ’cause, you know, conception takes place up to 24 hours later after sex, you know, in the woman’s body. So I might’ve been doing what I do after sex, which was standing by the refrigerator crying. I’m a dirty whore.
Anyway, I was definitely in the room when my kids were born. I was right there in the room. I watched that baby come flying out and then the other thing come flying out after the baby. I’m like, what the fuck is that! What’s that thing! They’re like, don’t worry about that. Don’t worry about it? It’s the same size as the baby! What the fuck is it! Like, what is it? I’ve only budgeted for one. Does that go to college? What is that thing? What is it, the kit? What is it? They’re like, don’t worry about it. I’m like, I am worried about it! They’re like, no, no. And the doctors and nurses going, “oh, isn’t it so beautiful? Isn’t this such a beautiful experience?” I’m like, it’s all right for you to talk like that. You’re only here for the day. I’ve gotta come back to this area later on with a completely different agenda. I’ve watched this baby coming out, I was like, ahhh! Agghhhh! Agghhhhhh! Oh! I’m gay.
One of my wife’s friends said to me, after she had the baby– We’ll get on with the joke in a minute. One of my wife’s friends said to me, after she had the baby, now, don’t pressure her into having sex again too soon. I’m like, too soon? After what I’ve seen, I don’t know if I ever want to have sex again. But it goes away, that feeling. I’m assured.

No, but I love my kids, I do. Children are our awesome. They’re great. I believe they’re our future. It’s just when they’re babies– Anyone who’s got a baby knows– Anyone who’s got kids– Babies are fuckin’ unreasonable shits! They are! I mean, kids are beautiful. They’re adorable. Oh, it’s Christmas in their little pajamas and shit. But, oh, my god! When they’re babies, they’re fuckin’ evil! They’re screaming and the poo. And they go, agghhhh! They cry over it. You can’t reason with a baby. You can’t talk to them. You can’t say, come on. I’ve put on your diaper, I fed you. What’s wrong with you? They just cry over every argument you’ve got. They cry right over the top of you. It’s like living with Glenn Beck. Ha, there’s a risky joke in d.C. At the same tim– It’s like living with a psycho midget German prostitute! Which I have done, actually. In Amsterdam in 1987 for a little while. But it’s the screaming and the poo, The screaming and the poo. It’s like, ahh! I mean, my wife is great. But the screaming and the poo! And the baby’s like that as well, The screaming and the poo! And it’s the sleep deprivation that drives you fuckin’ crazy. I haven’t slept in two years. Really. It’s not like they keep you awake all the time. They wait. They’re evil little shits. They wait. They wait. They wait until they see you falling asleep. They’re like– Gahhhhh! Ba-gahhhh! Everybody in here who’s had a baby at some point has thought, “I think my kid might be the Antichrist.” One of us is right.

Sleep deprivation is weird, though. It makes you think really weird thoughts. You know that studies have proven– My own studies have proven this. No, this is true. Studies have proven that three days without sleep has exactly the same effect on your body as a tab of acid. And I’m talking real acid, not the shit that you kids take today. Or that, “oh, this ecstasy! I’m trippin’. It’s just like acid. Look, I’m trippin'” Look at– you’re not trippin’. Look at you walking around, talking, breathing, Being able to converse, dance and shit. That’s not trippin’. That’s coffee, you little fuck! I’m talkin’ acid! I’m talkin’ acid! I’m talkin’… Saigon… I took too much acid. I did. I took a lot of acid. I know that’s probably a surprise to you, but I did. I did. I took too much– here’s what happened. I took it once, and I thought, “oh, my god, this is horrible!” So I took it about 30 more times, Just to make sure. And I didn’t do acid the right way. I mean, you’re meant to take acid by a stream, by a river, with unicorns and the babies and lovely– Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh Ahh ahh ahh ahh I didn’t do it like that. I did acid in Glasgow in the 1970s, And we did it once the bars closed. We would drink all day– All day in rainy old Glasgow– And then, at 11:00, when the bars shut, Somebody would say, “anybody fancy a fuckin’ “transcendental experience? I’ve got acid.” And we’d take acid after drinking all day. And that is not the way to do it. I– It’s not. You know, I once took acid After 12 pints of Guinness. You may well judge me, you fuck. Never do acid after 12 pints of Guinness. There’s your p.S.A., kids. Don’t do acid after 12 pints– Just don’t do it. It’s horrible! Leprechauns flew out of my ass! I was, like, “aah! “aaaah! How many are there? Aah! “aaaaaah! “aa– aaaaaaaaah! Aa– a!” Final– and they were like, “hee hee! Touch his lucky charms on the way.” I did too many drugs is what I’m saying. I did too many drugs. And when I say I did ’em, I fuckin’ did ’em. I didn’t experiment with them. You know when people say, “oh, yeah, when I was in my Late teens and 20s, I experimented with drugs”? No, you fuckin’ didn’t. You’re not a scientist. You didn’t experiment with ’em. And experiment is you get a white coat, You get the drug, you feed it to the dog, You film it, you put it on YouTube. That’s a fuckin’ experiment! That’s–that’s science. It’s not science to blow a dealer for crack. That’s not science. That’s art.
Anyway, you know, sleep deprivation is bad, But the drugs is worse, so I don’t do ’em anymore. I don’t do drugs, don’t do that. That’s not to say– I’m not one of these people that stopped taking drugs and then to say you all have got to stop too. You know when people, they stop taking drugs, they get very evangelical? It’s like, “I’ve stopped taking drugs. Now you must all stop taking drugs.” I don’t feel that way about it. I-I feel like I’ve got a connection with you guys. I think my aud– I think we have a thing. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, I really mean this. I really do. I don’t give a fuck what you do. I’ve got kids. You’re fuckin’ grown-ass people. You can do what you fuckin’ like. Oh, you know the people that go on tv, And they think they can tell other people how to live ’cause they’re on tv. Don’t drink, don’t– It’s not that hard to get on tv. I’m on fuckin’ tv! Honey boo boo is on tv! Honey boo boo! Like, what? And people have a hard time with my accent? I mean, what the fuck is this? These people sound like they’re yodeling underwater. Here’s my honey boo boo. I don’t– I don’t subscribe to that. I don’t like people going on tv And telling other people how to live, like dr. Phil. Doctor– fuck you, dr. Phil. You’re not even a fuckin’ doctor. Dr. Phil. Hmm, let’s have a look at this. Dr. Phil. What’s your problem with dr. Phil, Craig? Well, it’s the fact he’s not a fuckin’ doctor! “what are you talking about, Craig? He’s dr. Phil.” That’s right. That’s his name–dr. Phil. It’s not his qualifications. He’s Phil mcgraw, phd. Phd? Isn’t that a doctorate? Fine, you let him take out your fuckin’ appendix, motherfucker. He’s not a doctor. “Craig, are you saying Oprah lied to us?” Yes! I’ve gotta keep moving now. Oprah’s people have scopes. Gayle, up in the balcony. “you motherfucker, I tell ya…” Dr. Phil’s not a doctor, he’s a phd. Like, if your appendix bursts tonight– Dr. Phil’s there, or a doctor. Who you going with? Exactly!

It’s not that hard to get on tv and tell people how to live. The fuckin’ Kardashians are on tv! Not that I’m against that, actually, I’m not. That there Kim Kardashian’s got a lovely ass. She has. There’s always room in show business For someone with a lovely ass. That’s how I got started. Make way for leprechauns. No, great asses cause a lot of fuckin’ problems. I’ve lost half my stuff twice due to great asses. That’s all my stuff once.
No, a lot of trouble in the world caused by great asses. War–wars, human suffering is caused by great asses. The first documented war in human history– The siege of Troy, the Trojan war– That was caused by a great ass. Helen of Troy, renowned for her great ass, was living in Greece. And she was visited by Paris, from Troy. He was, like, “ooh, that’s a lovely ass. Come live with me in Troy.” and she’s like, “okay.” And she went to live in Troy with him. And the Greeks were furious. They marched over to Troy. “show us her ass. How dare you!” And the Trojans, who I always imagined to be french, for some reason, were like, “no, you can’t see her ass. “I’m lookin’ at it right now. “I think I’ll rub butter on it. Garlic butter.” Ten years the siege of Troy went on. Ten years! And then, eventually, the Greeks were like, “you know what? Fuck you! “we’re going home. We left you a horse.” And the Trojans– The Trojans, who were fuckin’ stupid, Let’s be honest– The Trojans are people who named themself after a condom! Like, how did they die out? Guess, motherfucker. The Trojans see the horse, they’re like, “oh, look, they left us a lovely horse. “what’s this? Oh, ‘thank you for the war.’ That’s nice. Bring it inside.” I mean, even if they just listened for a second at the side of it, you’d have heard, like, “shut up.” “no, you shut up!” “I thought we agreed no farting in the horse.” “I can’t help it. I get nervous before a battle.”

Siege of troy caused by a great ass. The war between the roman empire and ancient Egypt. Caesar, Antony and Cleopatra. That was all about Cleopatra having a fantastic ass. She had a great ass, and Mark Antony’s like, “I’m going to Egypt. Fuck you.” And then Caesar was furious, and he got his army together, And they marched on Egypt. He was like, “show us her ass! Show us her ass! Show us her ass!”

’cause Romans spoke with British accents, apparently. They do. They–if you see any movie About ancient Rome, they always talk in British accents. Like, “Caesar, a messenger.” “oh, lovely. Bring it over. I’m just having tea.” “sire, some news from downton abbey.” “really? Come on over here.” It’s true. All movies about ancient Rome, The Romans talk with British accents, Which is ridiculous– they’re Italians. They’d be like, “hey, what’s a comin’ a go?” But you watch any movie about ancient Rome, they’re– Or any of these ancient movies. If you want to make an ancient thing, you know, Ancient movies and the like, Everyone talks with British accents. Which really fucks me off, because I can’t concentrate. It takes me out of the movie. I always expect something weird to happen because I watched a lot of Monty Python When I was a kid. A lot! So whenever I hear them go, “Caesar.” “yes? What?” I always expect, like, A little bunny rabbit or something to come. Or a giant drawing of a hedgehog or something To come out. Even the good ones– even the ones like, you rem– You know that movie the 300? That is a fuckin’ great movie. And my buddy gerry butler is in that movie. He plays the king of the Spartans. Now, I’ve– I’ve known Gerry for twent– Did you see Gerry’s abs in that movie? Holy crap! They’re awesome. I saw him after I saw the movie. I’m like, “Gerry, your fuckin’ abs in that movie, They’re amazing.” He was like, “yeah, I worked really hard.” I went, “yeah, man, it was great.” He went, “not just that. Here’s the thing. “they do thing thing– they put makeup on it, “and then they king of cgi it so your abs look really great.” I was like, “oh.” He said, “now, don’t tell anybody.” So I didn’t. No, I just made that up. Anyway, all I’m saying, in that movie– I don’t know why I told you that. ’cause I’m a shit, that’s why. No, in that movie, where Gerry has that great speech, you know. But I still– I still hear Monty Python. Like, even when he has that great speech. When he’s like, “tonight we dine in hell!” And I keep expecting someone to say, “what are we having?” “what the hell are you talking about?” “well, you know, I’m a vegetarian. “so is Michael. I just wondered “if there’s a vegetarian option in hell. Or maybe we should pack something.”

Look, all I’m saying is wars have been started Over great asses. Great asses cause a lot of problems, a lot of wars. You know, Cleopatra, Helen of troy. Who else? Um, Hitler. “Hitler had a great ass, Craig?” Yeah, fuck it. Okay, let’s see where that goes. No, Hitler– Hitler did have a great ass. It’s an unpleasant fact of history, But we have to face it. Many of the Nazis had great asses Due to the marching. That’s what it was. “Adolf, your buns are so firm and tight. What is your secret?” “oh, you know, just diet and goose stepping. “this is my thing. “mm… Mm… “ooh, feel the burn. Ooh, that’s when you know it’s working.” I don’t know that many Nazis did that, but… Maybe they should have. Good ol’ Nazis, that’s what I say. That’s a phrase you don’t hear often. Good ol’ Nazis. No, listen, Nazis are very useful If you’re in my line of work Because, you know, it’s the one group of people You can really fuckin’ stick it to, and nobody cares. Like, no matter what I say about Nazis, It’s very unlikely I’m gonna get a letter Or a tweet or an email tomorrow from somebody saying, “dear craig, I am a nazi, and I am very upset… At this negative stereotyping of nazis.” ’cause even if you are a nazi, and I’ve upset you, Fuck you, you’re a nazi! Even–even the neo-nazis– “neo,” of course, means new. The neo-nazis. Well, what’s new about you? “well, we March up and down, and we hate ethnic minorities.” I’m like, that’s not fuckin’ new. That’s the same as the old nazis. You wanna be a new nazi, You gotta bring something new to the party. Bedazzle that swastika, mister. Let’s see some heels in those jack boots. I gotta move, ’cause these guys definitely got scopes.

No, nazis are just useful if you do what I do Because, you know, there’s only two groups of people You can talk about with any degree of safety. Everyone else is very, very touchy. And I don’t mean touchy like mr. Macgoogin That used to live next door to me when I was a kid. That’s right, laugh at my pain, ya bastards! “craig, I’ve got some change in my pocket.” That’s rubbish. He’s a lovely man. No, everyone is very, very sensitive. Everyone’s very, very– you can’t talk about anyone. There’s only two groups of people You can talk about with any degree of safety– Nazis and canadians, that’s it. That’s it. Nazis–who gives a fuck if you upset nazis? And canadians–’cause canadians have figured out– They’re very smart, they figured it out. They have realized it’s a fuckin’ joke! Canadians are like, “oh, oh, yes, that’s right. It’s a fuckin’ joke!” To be honest, canadians are just happy to be included. It’s just like, “he’s talking about us.” “I know, I know. We’re on our way.” Not that I’m comparin– I’m not comparing nazis to canadians. They’re not the same at all. Nazis, bastards. Canadians, lovely. Lovely people, canadians. Gentle, civilized, beautiful people. Till you give ’em a hockey stick. Then they lose their fuckin’ minds! Like “aaaaaah!” I don’t know why the canadian army bothers With tanks and guns and bombs and shit. They should just give the guys hockey sticks And go, “there you are, boys. The taliban have the puck.” Aaargh! Sorry! But that’s all you can talk about, Nazis or canadians.

I–apparently I can upset large groups of the community Without even fuckin’ knowing I’m doing it. I got into terrible trouble recently With the transgender community, who were very upset with me. There were, you know, emails and tweets And letters to the show. They had this parade up to the show. I mean, a fabulous parade. It looked great. But they were– And they were really mad at me, and I was like, Whoa, fuck, I don’t want be hating on the transgenders. Not at all. So, you know, I got in– I got in touch with their– their chair– Their, uh– I got in touch with their chief. The chie–the chie– “chief transgender, craig?” yes, their tribe. Uh… The transgenders. No, I got in touch with a prominent member of– No, see, that’s not a good way of saying it either. I don’t even mean to do this! I got in touch with a well-respected figure In the transgender community. I’m like, “what the fuck, man?” I didn’t say “man.” I said, like, “what the fuck?” Like, I don’t want to he hating. Why are you guys so mad at me? I don’t–I don’t– you got me wrong. I’m not hating on you. What happened? He said, “well, you do these sketches on your show. You did this sketch on your show.” I went, “I know they’re shit. You’re overreacting.” He’s like, “no, no, no. In one of the sketches, You wore a dress, and it was very disrespectful.” I’m like, “oh, fuck, that’s it? “well, you should know I’ve been disrespecting you at home “as well. “actually, one night in amsterdam 1987, “I was downright fuckin’ rude to your entire community. Good time.” But I don’t want to be hating on transgenders. I really don’t. I mean, if you’re a transgender person, And you’re here tonight, first of all, you look great. And secondly, good choice in d.C. Yes. Who’s to know? Hey, I never said a fuckin’ thing. You thought it. I didn’t say shit. No, I don’t want to be hating on transgenders, I don’t wanna– Transgender, by the way– If you don’t know what transgender is, First of all, what? Transgender is someone who believes they’re trapped In the wrong physical body. A man trapped in a woman’s body, a woman trapped in a man’s body. You know, that’s a tough place to be. I don’t want to be hating on someone who’s in that position. I sympathize with that. I empathize with that. I look at my own naked body in a mirror and I’m like, “look at–fuck, look at me. I’m a man trapped in the body of a middle-aged woman. Look at me. I’m not even a hot middle-aged woman. I’m like an out of shape delta flight attendant. Look at my saggy little tits and my flat ass. On the upside, though, I do seem to have an enormous clitoris. that’s too much? All right, that’s too much. All right. Well, we found the edge. You’re right, that was too much. But while we’re on the subject, Is it “clitoris” or “cli-toris”? “clitoris” or “cli-toris”? There’s always a big argument In my house all the time. Like “‘clitoris,’ ‘cli-toris,’ ‘clitoris,’ ‘cli-toris.'” I’m like, “honey, why are we arguing about this thing? It doesn’t exist.” Oh, it’s a fuckin’ joke! It’s a joke! Look at me! You think I don’t know my way around a clitoris? Look at me! I’ve spent half of my damn life doing this. Oh, god. I’ve been doing this around the world. Counterclockwise for american girls, Clockwise for australian girls. I can do the clitoris. I can do your clitoris from here. Look, this is me doing it. Mmm. You feel that? That’s me. whoo! Hey. pow. “craig, it’s like you’re a magician.” Yes, it is. You’re right, that was too far. “clitoris,” “cli-toris,” “clitoris,” “cli-toris.” I suggest a name we can all agree on. How about “ladycock”? I’ll take that as a yes, there. Now look, I don’t want to be hating on transgenders. I don’t believe in hating on people for what they are. It’s not my thing, man. I’m, like, love all the people. Like, fuck this. I’m like a hippie, you know, Except I’m angry and scottish and clean. It’s very difficult to be a hippie if you’re scottish. You can’t really do it. It’s ’cause of the, you know, the easy sexual thing. It was like, well, fuck, no. Oh, no. It’s not that we believe sex is sinful. We don’t. We just believe it’s sinful if you enjoy it. To this day–I’ve lived in america 20 years. But to this day, whenever– you know, during an orgasm, I still try and look stoic. Even if I’m on my own. Anytime, I’m like, “ah, that’s–that’s very nice, right? “mm-hmm. “oh, yeah. “and thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. See you next time, regis.” And that’s really the way it is. Oh, it’s a fuckin’ joke. Relax. Or is it?

No, I don’t believe in hating on people. I mean, fuck that. Life’s hard enough. I don’t want to be hating on people. I also think it’s bad karma. It comes back and gets you anyway, If you start all that fuckin’ oppressing people. Like, it seems to me every couple of months, There’s always some fiery preacher who’s always like, “I hate the gays. I hate the gays. “I hate the gays. Oh, I hate the gays “with their sweater vests “and their ‘house hunters international.’ I hate the gays. I hate the gays.” And they hate the gays. And then they get caught in a massage parlor Blowing an Armenian sailor. Now if this happened once, I’d let it go. But it hasn’t just happened once. It happens every couple of months. And you fuckin’ know I’m telling the truth. Every couple of months, there’s like, “I hate the gays. “I hate the gays. I hate the gays. I hate the gays. I hate the gays.” I’d go as far as to say if you are really interested In oppressing and hating the gays, It might be a sign you’re gay. So you know, before you begin your system of oppression, You might want to, you know, just try some gay things. Gentle gay things, mild gay things. Put some scatter cushions out. Shave with the grain. Suck a cock or two. I’m here to help. Suck a cock or two, see what– If you don’t like it, who loses? No, no, you’re right. That’s too far. Is it? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Look, I have to say, I don’t–I don’t– I’ve been all over the United States. Really, I’ve been in every state in the union. I’ve performed in every state in the union. I’ve been all over, and I have to tell you, 99 % of americans that I’ve met Don’t give a fuck about what you’re doing or what you’re up to as long as you stay the fuck off of their property. “I don’t give a fuck what you wear or who you do it with, But you stay the fuck off of my lawn.”

And that’s it. It’s just–you know, it’s just easier To look at other people’s shit. Then you don’t have to look at your own. There you are. Where’s my fuckin’ phd? That’s it. That’s it. That’s why the gossip, you know, websites And the tabloid magazines are always, like, Fuckin’ in other people’s shit. But you know what? I’m fuckin’ sick of it. I’m fuckin’ sick of it. I’m sick–every time I go in a fuckin’ supermarket, There’s all these tabloids around, and then it’s always “brad pitt, jennifer aniston, angelina jolie— What’s gonna happen now?” who gives a fuck? I don’t care. Seven years this shit’s been going on. “brad pitt, jennifer aniston, angelina jolie– What’s gonna happen now? What’s gonna happen now? I don’t care. If you don’t know the story, very briefly, here’s what it is. Just very briefly, here’s apparently what happened. Brad pitt and jennifer aniston were very happily married, And they used to live in a lovely house in malibu. And they were asleep one night. And while they were asleep, angelina jolie Crept into their house. And she was wearing– She was wearing a striped shirt, And she had a bag with a dollar sign on it. And she stole brad pitt. Stole him like he was a fuckin’ toaster. I’m like, come on! I don’t believe this shit for a minute. And they always paint it as, like, you know, Brad pitt’s this kind of dumb guy. He’s like, “I don’t know.” And angelina jolie’s like, Like snidely fuckin’ whiplash. And poor jen, her heart has been broken one more time. Like, oh, for fuck sakes, come on. Men can’t be stolen away like that Just ’cause another hot woman comes along. I can’t finish this without laughing. No, wait, that’s not true. We’re not that shallow. I know that you think we’re shallow, ladies, But we’re not that shallow. Well, not after the age of 40. Then we just get, you know, like, “fuck it. I’m good here. I’d need to move all my stuff. It’s fine.” You know a perfect example of that is the actor warren beatty. Warren beatty, for, you know, for 30 years– The ’60s, the ’70s, the ’80s– Warren beatty shagged everybody, everybody. He was like, “hi, how you doing? I’m warren beatty. “what’s up, baby? Warren beatty. Hey, welcome to australia. I’m warren beatty.” He shagged everybody. Then he met annette bening, and he just–boom–stopped. And the tabloids were like, “whoa, Annette Bening must know that trick you can do with your finger.” You know that trick? You get yourself a gay friend, he’ll sort you right out. Or a doctor. Or a gay doctor friend. It don’t matter. Look, just learn the fuckin’ trick. No, but the tabloids were like, “whoa. Oh, no. What does annette bening have that all these other women don’t have?” I say, I tell you what she has, a fuckin’ tired warren beatty. That’s what she has. He’s like… Warren Beatty shagged everybody for 30 years, And now he’s in his mid-70s, he has three teenage daughters. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it? Anyway, brad pitt, angelina jolie, and jennifer aniston. Oh, brad. And angelina. And jennifer– oh, poor jennifer! Her heart has been broken. I’m like, “shut the fuck up.” come on, Jennifer aniston’s a very capable, successful woman. Stop this. She’s a– and if Jennifer aniston had done What a smart woman does when she marries someone, she’d still be married to brad pitt. When a smart woman wants to stay married to a guy, after the wedding, she fattens him up a little bit. Not too much. Just enough to slow the fucker down in case he gets any ideas. “have some dessert, honey. You’ve been working so hard. I love your little love handle, little muffin tops.” Fatten him up a little bit, get him to wear a lot of sweaters, maybe. A lot of knitwear, a lot of sweaters with little patterns on them. The that guys think they’re little patterns, but they’re not patterns. They’re hieroglyphics other women can read. It says, “back off, bitch. Fatty’s mine.” If Jennifer aniston had played her cards right, six months after she married brad pitt, He’d have looked like alec baldwin, He’d have dressed like regis, she’d still be married. But oh, no. She had to keep him hot. So in the middle of the night, In comes the husband stealer. Angelina jolie– what a bitch. What a bitch, with her six children, three of whom were adopted from war-torn countries. What a bitch. Angelina jolie, that husband-stealing bitch that gave $10 million to charity last year. What a bitch. Angelina jolie, the U.N. Ambassador for children– What a fuckin’ bitch!

Calling angelina jolie a husband stealer Is like calling hitler a vegetarian. It’s true, but it’s hardly the fuckin’ story, is it? That is true. Hitler was a vegetarian. He was. They don’t tell you that at whole foods, do they? “do you know who else was a vegetarian? Hitler.” “give me some sausages.” It’s true. Hitler was a vegetarian. He was a teetotaler. He didn’t drink. He didn’t smoke. And he was an artist, too. He used to do little landscapes, little watercolors. If he wasn’t the worst prick who ever lived, He’d probably have his own show on npr. that would be awesome. “well, it’s been a quiet week here in berlin. “craig, this may be going too far.” I know. “then why are you doing it?” I don’t care. “surely you must care a little bit.” Not much. Nah, hitler wouldn’t want to be on npr, anyway. He’d want to be on fm. He’d want his own morning zoo show, A drive-time in the morning show. That’d be hitler, yeah. He’d want his own posse. He’d be like, “welcome to drive time in the morning With hitler, goebbels, und Mel Gibson.” Yeah, that would be better, yeah. “hey, what’s the traffic like this morning, Mel?” “well, it’s a little backed up on the freeway. I blame the jews.” I was very surprised to find out that mel gibson was a nazi. I did not see that coming in the movie “what women want.” I was very surprised to find out that mel was a nazi, But not as surprised as the city council of the town of sterling, In scotland, who after the movie Braveheart, came out, Decided they were gonna put up a statue To the great Scottish patriot William Wallace, Who was played by Mel Gibson in that movie very well. So they put up a statue of mel fuckin’ gibson Right in the middle of town. And then it comes out mel’s a nazi. And they were like, “aw, fuck! “one of you kids get up there and draw a little mustache On that thing.” Then everyone in hollywood was saying, “oh, come on. Mel gibson’s not a nazi, he was just drunk.” I’m like, “really? You can get that drunk?” I was a blackout drunk for 15 years. I never went “third reich” on anybody’s ass at any point. How’s that? It was like, “maybe I’m a lightweight. That’s what it is. I was one tequila away.” I’m like, “I’m staggering. I’m staggering. “okay, one more. Oh, I’m goose-stepping. I’m goose-step–” Then, when he gets caught being a nazi, Mel Gibson did what everybody in Hollywood does when they get caught being a fuckin’ jerk. He runs away to rehab.

Rehab in Hollywood is like “safe” When you’re playing games as a kid. It’s like, “oh, oh, oh, rehab. “rehab. Yeah. I blame the Jews. Rehab.” Which pisses me off, ’cause I went to rehab. It’s true. I went to rehab 20 years ago For chronic alcohol and cocaine addiction, Which seems a little unfair to me, Because although I did drink a lot, and I certainly took a lot Of cocaine, I never thought of myself as a cocaine addict. I always thought cocaine was just a kind of vitamin That helped you drink more. I still kind of believe that. But it’s true. I went to rehab. You can go to fuckin’ rehab for anything now. It doesn’t have to be anything like that. You can go to rehab for anything. I went to a Hollywood party– this is true–recently. And this guy came over to me, and he was like, “hey, you’ve been very open about your struggles With drink and drugs.” I’m like, “it’s not really a struggle. I haven’t had them for a long time.” He was like, “yeah, but you’ve been very open About your past with it.” I’m like, “well, it is what it is.” And he said, “well, I have a substance abuse problem.” I was like, “oh, really? What’s your thing?” He’s like, “chocolate.” I was like, “oh, man. You know what you should do? You should go fuck yourself.” He was like, “oh, man, that’s harsh.” I’m like, “no, no, you’re a fuckin’ idiot! You’re not addicted to chocolate. Shut up.” If you’re here tonight, and you think You’re addicted to chocolate, you’re not–you’re stupid! I know you think you’re–I mean, I know what it’s like. I’ve eaten too much chocolate in my life. I understand that. Sometimes you eat A little too much chocolate, you go, “oh, I feel bad.” But it’s different. I’ve never gone out, and I thought, “mm, I’m just gonna have an almond joy.” Then you have an almond joy and go, “oh, fuck! “I’ve got to have more almond joys. “I got to have another one. I got to have more. “oh, get a snickers bar up my ass. “I got to get a snickers bar. “oh, pour hershey all over my tits, hershey over my tits. “I got to rub chocolate all over fuckin’– “ah, stick it in my taint. “I got to have chocolate all over me. Ah, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!” Then wake up three days later on the floor of a piggly wiggly with a sore ass and a tattoo. That’s fuckin’ addiction. But there’s also a downside. Look, I’m not judging you. If you think you’re addicted to chocolate, Then you’re just a fuckin’ idiot. I’m not saying there aren’t other pathologies. I understand there are different pathologies. I understand there are different addictions. But it’s hard to know what’s what.

You can’t pathologize the human condition. I mean, there are some things you go, “wait a minute, You’re just a fuckin’ asshole.” Like, the–like sexual addiction, right? Sexual addiction. I understand there’s a problem there. I understand there’s a compulsive behavior. But how do you know when you’re a sex addict or just you? “well, let me tell you…” No, there was a very big Hollywood star that got into terrible trouble with sex addiction. I won’t say his name, ’cause he’s on the show a lot, and it would be a little disloyal. So let’s just call him blavid bluchovny. Did you just fuckin’ tell him who blavid bluchovny is? “I think it’s jack black.” It’s not jack black! Holy shit. I know you people don’t give a fuck about Hollywood, But really? Anyway, I don’t know if blavid bluchovny is really a sex addict. I mean, the last time he was on the show, I went to his dressing room, and I was eating a banana in front of him… Doing this. It’s very difficult to do that and eat a banana at the same time. I was, I was, like, wearing a low-cut top. And nothing happened. Nothing at all. He just kept crying and asking me to unlock the door. I was like, “put the lotion in the basket. Put the fuckin’ lotion in the basket.” I’m getting very concerned that my Silence of the Lambs Impression is getting very like my Mick Jagger impression. “Put the fuckin’ lotion in the fuckin’ basket.”

No, I’m just saying. Look, I’m not–what happens, It’s Hollywood, I think, does this. Hollywood tries to, you know, pathologize everything. It lets everybody off the hook. I mean, Hollywood is– what happens is, these ideas, They take place in Hollywood. Strange ideas take place in Hollywood. And then Hollywood exports pop culture. So it goes out, and it gets into the mainstream. And that’s why people believe fuckin’ stupid shit. See, I live in Hollywood. And let me tell you something, There are more douche bags per square foot in Hollywood than anywhere I’ve been in my life. And I include fuckin’ England. I’m not kidding. Like, and it’s not like– not everybody’s bad. I’m not saying that. But there are– You know, there’s, like, two basic types Of people in hollywood. You got the gullible people, who are not that bad. You know, they go to hollywood to be discovered. They go, “I’ve got to be discovered.” What do you think you are, penicillin? And they’re not bad people. They’re just stupid and a bit greedy. I mean, I get it. I was like that too, And still am a bit. But it’s the people that prey on them that are weird. You know, the people that say, “you better believe “what I believe, or you won’t be discovered. “better give me your money. “you better believe what I believe. “you better, you know… Psychology is bad. You’ll die if you do any.” Thank you. One psychiatrist in the back going, “finally, something for me. “for I am a nazi… “who practices psychology. I’m an unusual man, I admit.”
Anyway, what I’m saying is, you know, It’s just that Hollywood– these weird fuckin’ ideas start happening in Hollywood. And then, because Hollywood exports the, you know, Pop culture, it gets into the fuckin’ mainstream. And then weird shit gets believed. Like, this is true. In Hollywood, there’s, you know, just, like, normal people you think are normal. And they’ve got such weird fuckin’ ideas. There’s a friend of my wife’s, a lovely woman. Friend of the family, really. She’s a lovely woman. You know, her kids go to the same school as my kids. You know, she’s a soccer mom, drives her kids to school, All that, just, like a normal, regular woman. Except every couple of months, in order to get rid of the “negative energy” in her body, she puts a hen’s egg in her vagina. That may be the noise she makes as it goes in as well. I don’t know, it depends if it’s been in the refrigerator or not. All I’m saying is– she does. She puts a hen’s egg in her vagina. You know, her own vagina, not my wife’s vagina. No, I–no. No, she puts– She puts a hen’s egg in her vagina. And I’m thinking, “look, that’s dangerous.” That is dangerous. What if you were out somewhere, and that hatched? “is your vagina clucking?” “would you like it to?” Look, I’m not trying to rain on your parade. If you want to put, you know, an egg in your vagina, You’re just an idiot. No, it’s just stupid. I mean, my wife said to her, “does this work? Really, honestly, does it work?” She said, “you know, it does. “I know it sounds weird, but it does. Whenever I take it out, I feel such a sense of relief.” Like, yes! I don’t even have a vagina.

The idea of a hen’s egg in my vagina makes me uncomfortable. I fell victim to that kind of thinking too, though. When I first moved to Hollywood, I was very, very twitchy. I had just gotten sober. I was very, very twitchy and very volatile, Very–ooh, even twitchier than I am now. I was like–you know when Daffy Duck drinks a potion in a cartoon or something? And it’s like… Like that twitchy. And I was like that all the time. So, you know, the only employment I could get is that of an actor, ’cause you can do that if you’re insane and stupid. Yes, you can. Here’s how you do it. You pretend things. It’s like, “oh, it was very hard work in this movie.” “really? What did you do?” “we pretended things.” “oh, fuck, that must have been really hard.” Here’s how you do acting. Oh, what’s that over there? There’s nothing there. I just–I fuckin’ acted right there!
Anyway, one day– I was working as an actor, And I was working with this very new age actress, a very nice woman, a lovely woman, A very caring person, but very new age and very Hollywood, and very all that, kind of, you know, eggs and all that kind of stuff. And when we weren’t on the set together, I’d visit her in her trailer. No, I would visit her in her trailer. And I was so twitchy and upset. And she said, “baby, your problem isn’t alcoholism.” I was like, “it isn’t? Fuckin’ great. Let’s get drunk.” She’s like, “no, no, no, no. “honey, your problem isn’t alcoholism. “Your problem is that your aura is misaligned. Your aura is all out of whack.” And I’m like,”my aura? What, you mean, I’m farting?” She’s like, “yeah, but no. “No, what happened–your aura, baby, it’s all out of whack. “You need to have your aura worked on. “You need to have an aura adjustment. You need to go and have an aura massage.” I’m like, “you’re fuckin’ high.” She’s like, “you got to go, or no more visits to my trailer.” I’m like, “okay.” So I went. I went to this place. It really exists. It’s in Hollywood. It’s an aura massage spa where you can go and have your aura massaged. And I went. And I walked in. And it’s just like regular spa place you go for a massage, You know, the people wearing the white coats And the little rocks and the little trees and the little fountain and the Enya music playing and all that stuff. And like any guy going for a massage, I’m thinking, “am I gonna get jerked off here?” I mean, you know it’s not gonna happen, but it might happen. I mean, it’s not gonna happen, but it might happen. This might be the one time when the therapist goes, “you know, this is unethical, but I can see the problem. Here, let me just take a…” I try and instigate it now. You know when they say, “any problem areas?” Like, “I have a lot of tension right here.” You know, you don’t want it to happen, but it might, and you want to be ready. That’s why straight guys always ask for a female therapist. ‘Cause you think, “well, if I’m gonna get jerked off, I’d prefer if it was a lady.” You know it’s not gonna happen, but it might. Look, any guy that says to you if he goes for a massage that doesn’t go through his head, he’s fuckin’ lying to you. That goes through your head. You know it’s not gonna happen, but it might. That’s how you can tell when a guy’s been for a legitimate massage. He comes out relaxed and a little bit disappointed. It’s like, “how was your massage, honey?” Like, “ah, it’s good. It’s great. Really got my shoulder.”
Anyway, so I go to get my aura massage, and it’s just like a regular massage. You know, you lie on the table, take your clothes off, towel over your junk. Big towel. Big, giant beach towel over my junk. And then the massage treatment is exactly the same As a regular massage. The therapist comes in, very nice young woman. And it’s the same as a regular massage, except this is the therapist’s hands, Then this is a foot of air, and then there’s you. And in here is your aura. I’m like, “are you fuckin’ shitting me?” But, you know, they really sell it. So you know, you don’t want to be an asshole. And they say all the same things, like, “how’s the pressure there?” And I’m like, “good, good. That’s great.” And they’re fuckin’ doing it. And I’m like, “I am such a fuckin’ tool for being here.” And she’s saying all these things like, “oh, there’s a knot there.” And I’m like, “oh, yeah, that’s the spot, yeah.” I felt such a prick. And I was actually getting tense and angry and angrier at myself, and angrier and angrier. I was so fuckin’ tense, by the time she finished– I was so relieved, I felt as if I had a hen’s egg removed from my vagina. And then, when I went to go and write the check… You know, I was at the receptionist. And the receptionist said, “when you make out the check, make it to the aura, you know, Chakra Chiropractic Clinic.” And I’m like, “this is chiropracty?” And she said, “no, no, no. But if you call it that, you can claim it on your insurance.” And I was like, “oh… Doesn’t that fuck with your aura?” And I left in a cloud of smug.

But that happened. That’s true. Yeah, thanks for that round of applause for being a dick. No, but that really happened. There’s nothing new in that, I suppose. I mean, humans have believed in shit for years. And we believe in utter fuckin’ rubbish. It is a miracle we are still here. It really is. We are fuckin’ stupid. Do you know that for a couple of hundred years in the middle ages– this is true– people believed that the cure for blindness— In places in Europe, this is a real– You can google this, and it comes up, and then you know it’s true. The cure for blindness– apparently, in parts of Europe, they believed that rubbing dog shit in the eyes of a blind person would cure their blindness. I know. That’s what, probably, the blind person said. He was like, “oh!” And they believed it for a couple of hundred years. It wasn’t, like, an afternoon. I can understand trying it. I can understand, like, “oh, fuck. Bob’s gone blind. What the fuck are we gonna do?” “I don’t know. It’s the fuckin’ middle ages. Try dog shit.” “Okay. We’ll rub dog shit in his eyes.” But it’s not like it worked. It’s not like somebody went, “oh, the smell is awful, but look at the beauty of nature.” It doesn’t work. And you know the blind person was like, “oh, what the fuck are you guys doing?” Like, “it’s a special lotion from France, bob.” “no, it’s not. I’m blind, I’m not stupid. “I’ve got that blind person sense of smell. I can tell you whose dog this is.” You know when people glamorize the past? I’m like, “really? What about going back To rubbing dog shit in our eyes?” See, when I hear people romanticize the past and all that, I think about that. You know, like, you know, back in the day, When people would go, “oh, yes, things were so lovely Back in ren faire times.” Like, “shut the fuck up. No, they weren’t.” “yes, things were great. Everyone was a gryffindor.” It was a terrible time. The past was awful. Fuck the past. I grew up in the past. I did. I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. You had disco. We had rickets. Kind of the same effect. You’re going… You’re right, that’s too far. “dear Craig, I am a transgender Nazi with rickets, And I am very upset.” It’s a fuckin’ joke. But whenever people glamorize the past, I’m like, “really? – Modern medicine. There, fuck you and your glamorizing the past.” I hate that idea. Modern medicine, if you can afford it– Shut up, Canadians– Is the miracle– is the miracle of the age. See, it’s true. Whenever I’m in d.C.– It used to be Walter Reed. Now it’s a different place slightly out of town. But the Walter Reed– You know, it’s for our soldiers that get, You know, wounded in battle. And what the doctors can do for those guys there Is un-fuckin’-believable, unbelievable. it’s true. I mean, they’re working with extraordinary patients. I mean, amazing guys. I met a guy there, a marine. It’s true. He had lost both of his legs Below the knee from an I.E.D. And he’d had them replaced with prosthetic legs, you know, Legs and feet, and he was walking around. He said he had no pain. He had no limp. You know, and, you know, he was, like, handling it really well With a good attitude. He was really kinda fine with it. He was helping the other patients. The only way you could tell is ’cause he was wearing shorts. And I said to him, “man, you’re handling this so well.” And he’s like– and this is true. This is exactly what he said to me. He said, “you kidding me, pal? I came in here 5’10”, I’m leaving 6’2″.” That fucking amazing? That’s what he said! Came in 5’10”, leaving 6’2″. See, that right–that’s a fucking american badass, right there. “came in here 5’10”, leaving 6’2″.” Hoo-fucking-rah. See, that’s another reason why you don’t want to be fighting against these guys. Can you imagine? ’cause he was like– He wanted to go back. His unit were still overseas. And he was like, “I want to go back. I want to go back.” And the military are like, “you’ve done enough.” He’s like, “no, I want to go back.” Can you imagine what it would be like being the fucking Taliban, going, “oh, my god, you shoot their legs off, they come back fucking taller!” It’s fucking– can you imagine the astonishing bravery in that young man? I mean, the fortitude, the courage in that individual. That’s unbelievable to me. I don’t have a teaspoon of that in my body, not a fucking ounce, not an atom of that in me.

I shit my pants watching Shark Week. Although I went on Shark Week once. I did. Yeah. No, the discovery channel phoned me up. And they said, “hey, you’re always talking “about Shark Week. You want to go diving with sharks?” And I was like, “fuck, yeah.” Which is how I answer the phone, apparently. So I went. And I was really brave about, you know, the shark diving, right until I had to do it. I was, uh– Fuck, man. It was horrible, ’cause it was in the Bahamas, which is a lovely place, the Bahamas. And they flew us to the Bahamas. Now, if you’ve ever been to the Bahamas, you’ll know this, because everybody that’s from the Bahamas or is taking you to the Bahamas will tell you… “Sean Connery lives here.” They’re all like, “oh, Sean Connery lives in the Bahamas. Sean Connery lives here.” “what accent is that, Craig?” it’s one I can do. “is it Bahamian?” close enough. But it’s true. They’re very proud of Sean Connery living in the Bahamas. And when you get out of the airport–it’s true– If you’re very quiet, you can hear him. In his garden, he’s like… “just pruning the roses. “I wonder what’s for lunch. “I’ll just go over here. Oh, I think I left my thing over there.” Anyway, Sean Connery lives in the Bahamas. So I was there for the sh– for the Shark Week. Like, really? Like, really? ¶ the phantom of the opera is there ¶ “this is the curse, my friends. “sometimes, when you attack the clitoris with gusto, It is difficult to turn it off.” Thank you, Dracula. “you’re welcome.” You got to get out more, really. Someone’s been doing you clockwise. It’s simple mistake. I’ve done it myself. Anyway, I went shark diving. I went shark diving in the Bahamas. I get to the dock, and the boat was there, And the dive master was there, and I was like, I said, “hey, where’s the cage, you know, the shark cage?” He’s like, “there’s no cage.” I went, “oh, yeah, there fucking is. “I’ve seen this on tv. There’s a cage. “the guy from tv goes in the cage, “cage goes in the water, shark comes up and goes, “rah!” “the guy from tv goes, ‘oh, that was intense,’ “and goes home completely intact. There’s a cage.” He’s like, “no, it’s not that kind of diving.” I’m like, “really? What kind of diving is it, ‘the Scottish guy is bait’ diving?” He’s like, “get in the boat.” So I get in the boat. Now in this place, they go shark diving every day. And they go to the same place every day. The same place every day! The sharks know you’re coming. They’re already there. I’m not kidding. They’re swimming in circles. They’re playing volleyball and high-fiving each other and shit. There’s a big wiseass shark off in the corner, going… And that’s what you jump into. That’s what you have to jump into. And you have to jump in. You have to, because there’s attractive women on that boat. And like any heterosexual man, I would rather be torn apart by large, meat-eating predators than risk the possibility that one of those women is a massage therapist that’s gonna go crazy and jerk me off in the boat. Now, you know it’s not gonna happen! But it might happen. But it’s certainly not gonna happen if you start crying and poo your wet suit… Which was my first choice. So I jumped into the shark-infested waters. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I did. I jumped into the shark-infested waters, and I was amazed. The sharks were not what I thought they were gonna be at all. They were beautiful. They were like, “hey. hi, dude.” They were like Osmonds. And you could feed them bits of fish off of a spear gun, just like Osmonds. And I said to the dive master later– I mean, you can’t talk to him underwater. You sound like honey boo boo. It’s like… But later on, I said to him, “that was amazing, Feeding them the fish with the spear gun.” And he said, “yeah, yeah.” I said, “but what would’ve happened If we’d run out of fish?” He said, “well, they’d probably just swim away.” I said, “have you ever tried it?” He said, “are you fucking crazy? They’re sharks.” And then, when we were coming back on the boat, I was talking to the kids that worked on the boat. And it was all American kids, college kids, kids on the lam, you know, and that, you know. They were–and they– I was talking to them. And I said, “has anyone ever been bitten? You know, even a little nibble or a scratch from a shark?” And every single one of them showed me fingers off, bits of ear missing, toes, fucking bite marks on their ass. I went… “you motherfuckers!” Like, as high as that as well. I was very upset. I was like, “you motherfuckers!” Like, dogs in the Bahamas were like… “we’re a motherfucker?” Sean Connery was like, “who said ‘motherfucker’? That was– that was very high pitched.”
But the sharks were beautiful. They were amazing. I mean, these creatures are really wonderful, And we should not be afraid of them as long as we are on land. No, they’re lovely. They’re beautiful animals. I wouldn’t have believed this if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. But this is true. I really saw this. In many species of shark, the male of the species has two penises, side by–yes. Side by side, two penises. I saw it. A male nurse shark swam towards me. He was like, “hey, what’s up? Mm-hmm. “how you doing? Oh, oh, oh. look at the penis.” “penis.” Two penises. I was like, “look at you, mr. Mister.” Like, that’s why they’re so confident. They’re like, “hey, heh heh, yeah.” That’s why they’re so angry as well. Two penises, no hands. “I’ll swap you a penis for a hand.” Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I’d said that. Is it penises or penii? I’ve never had to use the plural.

All right, one night in Amsterdam in 1987, I guess. But they were lovely. You know what I was thinking? What a terrible thing it would be, though, for the drug companies of America if the human male had two penises. I mean, you would never sell any viagra or cialis or any of that shit. I mean, what are the odds of both of them failing at the same time? It would be like aircraft engines. One of them would go out. It would be like, “don’t worry. Everything’s fine. “We train for this all the time. “All the time, we train for this. “We’ll get you where you need to go. “Might go a little lower or a little slower, But it’s not a problem. Very routine.”

I’m kind of enjoying myself now. I’m gonna do this for a while. Kind of having a good time. I just thought these animals were beautiful. And the reason I wanted to swim with the sharks is because I love nature documentaries. I adore them, and I– It was the way I bonded with my father when I was a kid. We used to watch them. We used to watch these BBC nature documentaries on British television. They were shown here on PBS. Beautiful, big documentariesnNarrated by sir David Attenborough, Who has that lovely voice. He would always say like, “here in the Serengeti, you know, “huge wildebeest moving across over there. Oh, so lovely.” And he would talk quietly like that to make you think he was there. He wasn’t there. But he wanted you to think he was there. He said, “I’m talking quietly. “there’s a fucking lion right there. “So shh, fucking lion. I’m very brave. Fucking lion right there.” But of course, he, you know, he wasn’t there. He was in a sound studio in London. It was six months later. He’s looking at the footage. He’s saying it. It’s, like, the same, you know, when you hear the sound of the lion eating the zebra. And you hear all that… You know, they add that later on. It’s a guy in a studio watching the footage, going… There’s not a sound guy in the middle of Africa going, “quiet, everybody. Lion eating a zebra.” They add it later on. It’s a guy, a specialist. He’s like… It’s the same guy that does porn. aah!

Anyway, that’s–and when we watched these documentaries, it was when my father did the one joke of his life. He did one joke in his life, and it was this. We were watching a nature documentary, the whole family. It was my mom and my dad and my brother and my two sisters. We were watching this documentary about chimpanzees. And they were all being very naughty, little hairy bastards, running around throwing poo on each other. And–and my dad said, “oh, yes. There’s Craig and his friends. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!” And I was like, “noooo!” and he was like, “yes.” The rest of my family are like, “yes.” Scorn. And because it got a laugh, he would then say it every time we watched a nature documentary. Like, for years and years afterwards. And it didn’t make sense, like, we’d go– We’d watch a documentary about seahorses or something. And he’d go, “there’s Craig and his friends.” I’d be like, “dad, I’m 40. Fucking give it up.” But he would keep going until he got a laugh. He wouldn’t shut up until he got a laugh. Like, he’d keep going. It’s the same technique I now use on the studio audience in my television show. I know that shit isn’t funny, but I know I’m keeping going, ’cause they know they’re not fucking going anywhere until they laugh. You may leave.

No, you know, people say to me, “Craig, why do you call the studio audience hobos at your show?” And I’ll tell you why, ’cause they are. Some of them, anyway. I’ll tell you how I found out. ’cause after the show one day, I went to the restroom. And I use the same restroom as the audience. Show business. And I went into the restroom. And there was a gentleman who had been in the audience, washing his feet. That’s a clue. He was washing his feet. I was like, “hey, what’s up?” He’s like, “just washing my feet.” I’m like, “yeah, go ahead.” And–and he said, “I love your show, man.” I said, “thanks very much.” He said, “to be honest, I don’t care for you. The accent, it’s irritating.” Like, okay. He said, “but I just love coming here. “I love coming here to– “you know, I can wash my feet, they give us some snacks, And they pay me 10 bucks an hour.” I’m like, “what? They pay you 10 bucks an hour?” He’s like, “oh, yes.” I was like, “fuck, wait there.” So I go and see the producers of the show. I said, “are we paying hobos 10 bucks an hour to pretend to like me?” And they said, “oh, yes.” What the fuck? They said, “everybody does that.” And apparently, everybody does. I didn’t know. They said, “everybody does it.” All the daytime shows, all the late night shows, all the award shows. Any show with an audience, the Emmys, the Oscars, The Grammys, fucking anything. They have this team of hobos that go from place to place. I don’t know how they get in touch with them. It’s like a bat signal or something, and… And they’re seat fillers, because nobody wants to see an empty seat on tv. So these people, you know, they wait and if– So like, at the Oscars, if Tom Cruise has to go to the bathroom during the Oscars, a hobo will go over to his seat and, you know, fill the seat. And if Tom Cruise wins the Oscar while the hobo’s in the seat, the hobo has to go up and collect. That last bit isn’t true, But that would be fucking awesome if it was. “Oh, I’d like to thank everybody under the bridge.” It would just be more entertaining.

Anyway, yeah, my dad watched the nature documentaries. My mother hated them. But my mother was a very different person. She was someone who glamorized the past, which was weird, ’cause my mother grew up in Glasgow in the 1940s, when it was being carpet bombed by Nazis. But she would always say, “oh, things were better during the war.” I was like, “how can you say that? You were being carpet bombed by Nazis.” And she was like, “yes, but you could leave your door open at night.”

I’m not–I don’t want you to think I have hard time with my parents. I love my parents. They were great people. I adored them. And my childhood was idyllic. There was never any problem in my childhood. That’s why I became an alcoholic stand-up comedian. No, I didn’t– they were good, my parents. They were good people. You do your best with your kids. The minute you have your own kids, you forgive your parents. You’re like, “oh, fuck. I get it.” But I try– “yeah, okay, I get it. Kids are assholes. I understand.” But I try, you know, I try not to do what my parents were a little bit guilty of. They used to always say, “oh, you kids have got it too easy.” And I try not to do that to my own kids. But it’s fucking hard not to. It’s fucking hard not to when I see them, and they’re sitting in the back of the car with a five-point seat belt molded fucking thing in the car and the safety helmet and the– then the intravenous cheerios into their arms.
Fucking screen with around-the-clock Teletubbies. Fucking… I’ve seen a lot of fucking Teletubbies in the past two years. That shit’s weird. Weird. Now, remember who’s talking to you here. That’s fucking weird, and I know weird. I have smoked Nepalese temple ball on a beach in Sri Lanka at sunset at a Hindu funeral. But when I see the Teletubbies, I’m like, “what the fuck is that?” Wait. What–what is that? “uh-oh.” “uh-oh” what? “Uh-oh, fall down.” “Uh-oh.”
Remember a few years ago, there was a big controversy? People said, “hey, one of those Teletubbiess is gay. That tinky-winky. Tinky-winky is gay.” Tinky-winky’s the one– the pink one with the triangle on his head that carries a handbag. I’m like, “why would you think he’s gay?” Tink–I’ve seen a lot of Teletubbies. Let me tell you something, tinky-winky is not gay. Tinky-winky is a fucking drunk. It’s like tinky-winky’s like, “uh-oh. Tinky-winky fall down.” “tinky-winky want a little drinky.” Tinky-winky’s not gay. Po, the one with the cock on his head, he’s gay.
Anyway, what I’m saying is, I try not to give my kids a hard time. But it’s hard. You know, you see them in there with their fucking child seats. There were no child seats in my dad’s car. There were no fucking seats in my dad’s car. It wasn’t technically a car. My dad was a mail carrier. We just had a little post office van. When we went around a tight corner, he’d be like, “aim for a soft parcel.”

Ooh, shit! I was going to tell you that joke Drew Carey told me. I forgot. No, I want to tell you this joke. It’s important, because I love this joke. This is a great joke. It’s a really good joke, Because it involves a traveling salesman. And I like that because too many jokes today don’t. Traveling salesmen are going away. They’re going away. They’re being replaced by guys calling you up from India, pretending they’re not in India. “Hello, this is Scooter.” “How about that… local team?” “Are you happy with your long-distance provider?” Well, they can fucking reach me from India, Scooter. So, yeah, I’m all right. Anyway, this is a joke… This is a joke that involves a traveling salesman. And I like this joke. A traveling salesman walks up to a house, and he knocks on the door. And the door is answered by a ten-year-old boy who’s wearing a bra and panties and high-heeled shoes. He’s smoking a cigar and drinking a scotch. And the salesman goes, “whoa, son, are your parents home?” And the kid says, “what the fuck do you think?” And that’s my joke. – Oh, my god, it’s gonna go all the way! Ohh!

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