Westeros Walford

I’ve quit smoking this summer, or at least I’ve quit smoking to the extent that I’ve smoked three times, and the last time felt incredibly sick for four days afterwards.

This remarkable feet (trust, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done apart from the usual stuff that’s actually hard, like grief and moving house and that) has meant unfortunately that I’ve been a massive cow-bag to most people, hated myself infrequently and therefore avoided all human company apart from the people in the immediate area. Fortunately this summer I’ve also been at close proximity to a lovely cat (who doesn’t give a shit if I’m rude or snappy, so long as I feed him) and A Game of Thrones.

It’s hard to describe the hold that A Song of Ice and Fire, as Game of Thrones the series is officially called, has had over me. I don’t ‘do’ fantasy (which is of course nonsense in itself because I do read fantasy, just not as much as some people, and I’m not massively into high fantasy or sci-fi as a rule) so for a fantasy series to have gripped me as much as this one is very very rare. The last series I was this excited about was Shardlake and that was a)historical detective fiction set in the 1530s so basically ticked all of my boxes and b)more or less independent stories, with some sort of running storyline throughout. I wasn’t reading them to find out what happened next, like I am with ASOIAF, and unlike ASOIAF I wasn’t massively invested in the characters to the point of considering having my birthday party theme based on them.

And Walford.

Because ASOIAF is very very very long. So far there are 5 books out, one of two parts of 600 pages each. I’m currently half way through the second part of the third book, so I’ve read about 2300 pages of pure fantasy this month, and have had to have a little break because its just so bloody complicated! Like a massive soap opera that stretches over a huge fantasy world of warring factions, complete with family politics and histories, intrigues and loyalties shattered, then picked up again. Characters are built up, just to come to almost unnecessarily sticky ends when the emotional response from the reader will be highest, and implausible, but still excepted, plot twists are around every corner.

Plus, the theme tune to the TV version that started this obsession, I think, could be quite easily mixed in with that of East Enders (think about it… Dum, dum, dum, dum diddle diddle DUM dum diddle DUM dum diddle DUM dud diddle DUM dum diddle)…

So, yeah, I’m having a Walford-meet- Westeros birthday party. It’s not till February, so plenty of time to get sewing. I want to see Dot Cottonerons breathing fire, whilst wrapped around Roxie Mitchell’s nylon coat; little Tiffany screaming ‘I’m a GIRL’ whilst trying to fight off hoards of Mitchell Brother’s, flying the golden lion on a scarlet banner, the works. Personally, I’m going as a Direwolf, complete with Barbara Windsor wig.

Bearing in mind my knowledge of what the chuff is going on in East Enders comes from the late 90s, and a brief stint of love from the Christmas of 2009. But then again these books were all published in that time frame. I reckon Mr Martin was taking inspiration from the Nation’s Favourite Square…

Need inspiration? How about…

‘Dirty’ Den Watts is Aerys Targaryen
Because basically, this is a story of families fighting over The Queen Vic, also known as King’s Landing. Aerys, The Mad King, the original landlord of the Vic, liked boiling people to death, burning down castles, getting his gangster friends in trouble and basically being a bit of a Bad ‘Un. He also has a ‘little princess’ of his own in the form of Sharon ‘Daenarys’ Watts. Sharon left Westeros Walford for the far off lands of America Summer Isles years ago, shall she return with an avenging army to fight for landlordship of the pub in the future? Or shall the Others have taken it by then?

Pauline Fowler is Catelyn Stark

According to Wikipedia, Pauline was “a family-oriented woman who alienates her relatives through overbearing interference”. This is no way sounds like the mother-in-law from hell that is the eldest daughter of the Tully’s. The death of one son leads to a massive dependence on another, to the point where Martin ‘Robb’ Fowler, who wins every battle but still looses the war, marries Sonia Westerling-Jackson. Pauline likes to sit on Arthur’s bench and think about the past, and Catelyn is no stranger to her faithful, popular, if previously philandering husband Ned’s Godswood. If anyone comes as Arthur’s bench with a Weirwood Tree’s face on it I shall by Highly Impressed.

The Lannister’s/Barathean’s are The Mitchells.

Like a swarm of vultures, the Mitchells feasts on the state of the Queen Vic/ King’s Landing after the fall of the house of Watts-Targaryen. It’s Queen Cercei, also known as Peggy Mitchell (they’re blonde and feisty and have a thing for their relatives, what more do you want from me?) rules her boys, and her extended faaaaaaaaahmley whilst the Mitchell Brothers Stannis and Grant fight amongst themselves.

Fortunately though, there’s always Cousin Billyrion, though maybe not as witty as he is is Westeros, desperate for the faaaaaaaaaahmly’s approval and ready to clean up the mess his unfortunately relatives leave behind….

Any other suggestions, s’tenders/ASOIOF fans? Uncle Charlie “Davos” Seaworth in his taxi full of onions? Or are the Slaters, with their history of incest and bad-taste clothing more equipped to be the Lannisters? Let us know… oh and start on your costumes kids, there will be prizes!