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Wednesday, 7 January 2015

The Prodigal Daughter

A few weeks after the failure of FET #4, I received a call from my mother to discuss visiting over Christmas. My aunt expressed that she really wanted to see my father this year after her ordeal with breast cancer. As my mother works in health care, she isn't able to take extended time off around the holidays. So, she decided to move her retirement up a few months and come out to the West Coast for two weeks. During this time, Husband and I were discussing when to take the plunge with yet another FET. He wanted to defer the transfer until after October, so I wouldn't have to administer meds while visiting my parents in Connecticut, and it would give us a break financially. My RE's vacation in November meant the next opportunity would be in December, which would coincide with my parents' visit. It was interesting that Husband thought it was burdensome to shoot myself up with Lupron at my parents' house, but we could discretely run out for a transfer and then casually breeze through the two week wait while hosting my parents. Obviously, that was not appealing to me. I convinced Husband to proceed with the transfer in October, so that if it didn't work, we could perform the Endometrial Function Assay and prepare for a final transfer in January. Meanwhile, I tried not to think about the fact that if that transfer worked, we would be able to inform my parents when they came to visit for Christmas.

I scanned myself that morning to make sure we were still good to go. Their flight arrived in the early afternoon. Traffic delayed the drive home and my parents had just settled in with a glass of wine when I came home from work. I started opening the Christmas cards we received in the post that day, while on cue, my mother mentioned that she didn't receive one from us. "Oh, we decided to save the postage" Husband explained, as I presented them with their Christmas card. Tucked inside the card was a recent ultrasound photo with the announcement "Baby Allen, due July 2015" as well as the blastocyst picture. My mother burst into tears and revealed that for years she has been saying that all she wants for Christmas is an ultrasound photo. "Well, we've been trying for years to give you one..." these words began to explain our experience with infertility and repeat pregnancy loss. As I anticipated, my mother was upset that I didn't confide in her. She brought it up a few times during her visit. I reiterated my reasons multiple times, but I think it still bothers her. My father was much more understanding.

As we were clearing the table at Thanksgiving, I talked to my aunt about her chemotherapy treatment, so I could have some suggestions to help my friend who was about to start that process, and I felt badly that she was hosting both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I made what I considered to be a non-offer, and suggested that we could have Christmas at my house. She replied with the anticipated response, "oh, that's sweet! but no thank you, I was planning to have everyone here for Christmas." A few days later she reconsidered, and sent me a text, "Actually having Christmas at yours would be great". I didn't think that (A) my 76 year old aunt was texting and (B) that she would ever accept my offer. I had to break the news to Husband, who of course thought of all the practical considerations that I neglected. "Where are we going to fit 10 people?" and "Do we have enough matching plates and flatware for 10 people?" Fortunately, my parents are expert entertainers and worked this dinner as if they were our catering staff. We put our breakfast table next to the dinning room table and found it would seat 8 adults and 2 kids. I did an alternating plate pattern, which I thought I could pull off as being trendy. The only hitch in the day was that we asked my aunt to bring a chair for my cousin's older son, and we asked my cousin to bring her travel high chair. They both forgot, so we had to use our office chairs, which meant I had to re-arrange my entire table configuration. Grrrr.

We deferred to my Dad to lead a toast before dinner commenced, as he wanted to acknowledge his sister's triumph over her cancer. It was extremely touching to hear him recall his initial fear and anger after learning of her diagnosis to allowing himself to be inspired by her recovery. My father and his sister may only have one common parent, but they are full siblings in every way possible. He described how they made their decision to make the trip to the Bay Area this year, but then he added that they'll be back next year. "Only, I'll have a new title. I'll be called 'Morfar'" My aunt was the only one who recognised the Swedish word for grandfather and shrieked before hugging me and Husband, which clued in everyone else. I was able to disclose to my relatives that I've been pregnant for the past three Thanksgivings, but this was the first time I was still pregnant by Christmas. Husband quickly recapped our infertility stats. "Oh, we know all about going through that" my cousin responded.

There was so much venom that I wanted to spew. I wanted to express that as a fellow infertile I felt betrayed by the way they displayed amnesia toward their own experience. I wanted to express how shocked I was by their lack of sensitivity. I wanted to express my anger at they way they fueled the ignorance by proclaiming their spontaneous conception was the result of 'being so relaxed...' Yet, I knew it wasn't the time nor the place. Especially as my cousin offered to let us use the bassinet used by her sons and my other cousin's children, I retracted my claws. As infertility has made us chavs, we will accept any item offered to us, but I liked the idea that something used by other infants in our family, would be passed along to me. My cousin's husband was quick to say "Well, now you can forget all about that [our infertility experience]" NO WE WON'T. Husband and I responded in unison. He also warned that we might conceive spontaneously on our next trip to Hawaii. "No, I'm familiar with this stuff called birth control" I retorted with a snappy tone.

Trying to contain my parents' excitement was an impossible task. They were able to attend my nuchal translucency ultrasound, but following Husband's lead, they were watching my reaction as well as the screen. I'm not trained in performing NT scans, but I've seen enough images to recognise a normal versus an abnormal scan. Our baby looked textbook. My mother expressed that after knitting sweaters and hats for so many other babies, she was delighted to have the opportunity to work her knitting needles for her own grandchild. She mentioned that she recently donated two knit onesies to a charity event. "Well a knit onesie may be a little warm where we live" I informed her as I noted that we would love any hats, sweaters and blankets. Meanwhile, my father causally mentioned they visited a furniture consignment shop that was owned by an English couple. He later described that they had some nice leather chairs. The next day, my mother showed me a picture from her phone of my dad sitting in one of the chairs. Two days later, my dad described that the arms of the chairs were perfectly positioned for holding a baby in one's arms. Okay, I know they're excited about their future grandchild, but does that mean they get to redecorate our living room? Before I could address that, my mother pulled up a picture of the onesies she donated. They were actually more of a complete pajama with closed feet. I'm not an expert, but I thought you wanted something soft like cotton against baby's delicate skin. It didn't seem too practical. "I still think it might be too hot..." I suggested. "Fine!" my mother snapped as she closed the cover to her mini iPad. "I won't do anything for you!" Sigh. First lesson in parenting: learn to pick your battles with the grandparents.

14 comments:

Ah, what a great description of a family gathering, all the special happiness and that goes with it, and the annoyances too. :-) I am happy that you got to celebrate with your family. Very sweet to include the ultrasound photo in your parents' cards.(I still kind of wish that our reveal to our families was nicer: it came in the form of "we think we are having a miscarriage...oh, wait, maybe not, but don't get your hopes up). As for the baby clothes, I think there is a generation gap at play - baby clothes now are different from formerly. Maybe find some cute patterns on Ravelry and send to your mom for her to make? Anyway, congratulations on navigating your first holiday with the little one on board. :-)

I think we have the same parents. I'm actually shocked that my mother has only crocheted ONE hat for my baby so far. I'm sure an entire wardrobe is in the works, though. We told my parents in a really similar way - very cute and fun!

Tears in my eyes as I read this Jane! I'm so happy for you that you were finally able to share your journey through infertility with your family. I had simian conversations with my mil about things she wanted to make for the babies too. You definitely do learn to pick your battles. My advice would be to accept the onsie and put your baby in it long enough to send a picture to satisfy your mom. You DID try to tell her gently....

Love, love the story about surprising your family with the ultrasound photo as a Christmas card. And I am also happy that you were able to come out to the family about your infertility struggles (but I would have wanted to punch the cousins in the face, even perhaps after the loaning of the bassinet), I just don't understand the selective amnesia. Like you I will not forget, nor do I want to forget how we got here. And yay for a great NT scan!

Haha... I imagine my mom will be quite similar. My wedding we almost completely changed by my mom... one decision somehow morphed into the whole thing. If she could crochet or knit, I'm sure she'd make full PJs too. : ) Glad you survived the holiday!

It is infuriating when people who struggled with infertility "forget" or blow off your personal struggle. I'm having that issue with a close friend of mine who struggled for YEARS with infertility and finally became pregnant on her 5th transfer. Her son is almost 3 now and she says EVERY text book thing that you should NEVER say to someone struggling with infertility. I just don't get it.

Okay rant over :) Onto the good news! Congrats on your NT scan and I'm so happy to hear things are progressing so well. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Woot woot for great NT scans! I'm laughing at your ending, as I can totally see me and my mom having that dynamic over something. But I'm so thrilled that you guys were able to share this awesome news with your family over the holidays. It was something I daydreamed about in the early days.

Your dad's toast was beautiful. And I love how he shared the news. It's so hard to keep parents contained! My mom is planning to retire, my MIL is planning her extended visit, god help me (they live in India), and everyone is so, so excited. Sometimes even I forget my doom and gloom and get excited, too! I love that you scanned yourself prior to telling your parents. My NT scan is next week and I'm not terribly nervous, but I'll be happy to see the baby again.

Congratulations! I'm so happy things turned out well for you. After all that you've been through, you deserve to enjoy every moment of your pregnancy. I've come to realize that most people say stupid or insensitive things to infertiles, due to lack of education/awareness, so I've learnt not to expect so much from people if I decide to share about my journey with them. I don't understand why some people choose to forget, but I will never erase such a hard-won battle from my memory. Looking forward to hearing your updates.

I just wanted you to know how very happy I am for you. Relish every moment of this experience and all of the joyful triumphs. I am quietly cheering you on! I am happy for your parents too. This is such a happy time all around. Sending lots of love. XO

I should not have read this at work, for obvious reasons, but also because it totally made me tear up. I am so happy for you. What a great way to tell your family.My MIL gives us so much stuff we don't want or need. Random stuff. She gets the gaudiest things for the girls, like the awful princess shopping cart currently living in our garage. We just thank her and donate it all.