The secret of my success

People often come up to me and ask me, “What is the secret to your amazing success?”

Actually, I’m paraphrasing there as the actual words are something like “When are you going to leave?” but I can read between the lines, so I understand what they are really trying to ask me.

The answer is simple, it’s having a beard. Before I had a beard, I was just an ordinary person living an ordinary life.

Now that I have a beard, life is completely different for me.

People look at me differently, animals fear me, I am certain that tourists have been taking photographs of me, and I think I have gotten taller.

I have also had several people tell me that I look like famous people now with my beard. Here are a few of them, and I swear these are all true, even if they don’t make any sense:

* Steve Carell. I believe this one, as I heard this one before I had the beard. I am never sure if this is a compliment or not. He IS a movie star, but he generally plays the part of a loveable dork in his movies.

* One of the characters from the “Magic Mike” movie about male dancers. I did not see this movie so I don’t know what character they are referring to, but I am sure it is the best looking character in the movie. One “friend” of mine suggested that it was probably the part of an old man in the movie or one of the people who was selling popcorn at the theater where the movie was shown. I really don’t know what the popcorn people usually look like, though, as I am generally too focused on just looking at the huge popcorn container and thinking about what it would be like to swim around in it with all of that popcorn. Yum.

* Chuck Norris. I can believe it’s not butter. I am the reason Waldo is hiding. I counted to infinity -twice. I was once bitten by a rattlesnake, and after three days of pain and agony, the snake died. I don’t call a wrong number, you answer the wrong phone. I don’t see this comparison at all, but I love telling the Chuck Norris jokes, kind of like how ghosts sit around campfires and tell stories about me with my new beard.

* Ryan Gosling. I don’t believe this one for a minute either. I’ll take it and will gladly tell lots of people about this, but there is no way.

* P.J. Carlesimo. He is an NBA coach who formerly coached in college basketball and has a beard. I don’t know if I look like him at all, but I enjoy the fact that it looks like his full first name is Pajamas.

* The Most Interesting Man in the World. I don’t often write columns, but when I do I write too much about myself. I don’t think he looks like me, and I know he is way older than me, but, hey, the ladies do love him…

* Hollywood movie star and good-looking guy Tom Hanks – but in the movie “Castaway.” This one was actually my favorite.

Those are the main comparisons so far, and I know that this beard has brought about other changes.

For example, people are now asking me to help fix things. Now that I have a beard, most people assume that I am handy, and in my mind I also think that I am.

The beard has also made me appear to be more of a “thinker.” When you have a beard, it is quite enjoyable to rub the hair on your chin and just ponder things for a while. I might just be thinking about which type of pudding is my favorite (vanilla – no butterscotch! – No, vanilla!), but if I rub my beard it seems like I must be thinking about something important.

I never imagined that having a beard would bring so much joy to me, and really, to the entire world, but I’m thankful that I have it. It itches at times and tends to get sweaty when I am chopping down trees, wearing overalls and doing other things that people with beards tend to do, but I like it.

My wife likes the beard, too, so I am definitely going to keep it for a while. I’d gladly talk more about it, but somewhere someone probably needs to see me and my beard, and it will undoubtably make them feel better about themselves and the world. It’s really the world’s beard, I’m just covering my face with it.