HOLY TESTICLES HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THE PREVIEWS FOR THIS FUCKING SHOW? Is this really what we’ve come to, bro? Watching two people’s blurred-out genitalia awkwardly eating popcorn shrimp across the Red Lobster booth from one another!? I’m just as dumb as the next asshole, but what kind of person signs up for this shit? Am I insane for thinking this sounds kind of stupid? And I ask that as a person who watched every single episode of Flavor of Love, unashamed.

From VH1’s website:

A new social experiment provides daters with a radical dating experience where before they bare their souls they bare everything else first. Each week on a primitive island resort, far from the masks of modern society, daters will go on exotic dates and be naked every step of the way.

We will follow along as two primitive daters each go on a total of three naked dates, including their first date with each other. At the end of this experience they’ll choose which of their naked dates they would like to continue dating back home. Clothing will of course be optional.

Naked daters will bare their soul and a whole lot more in this groundbreaking dating experiment.

LOL forever at “groundbreaking.” Now I wanna do it, tho. I don’t know, maybe this is the best way to really get to know a person. Maybe I should fill out an application and see what’s up.

BUT WHAT ABOUT MY VAGINAL DISCHARGE?

Listen. I’m not wearing panties stuffed full of extra-long overnight dri-weave moisture-lock technology because it’s cute, this shit is awkwardly sticking to the inside of my thigh because it’s going to look like a used coffee filter at the end of the workday. Where does this go if I am naked?

Advertisement

WHAT IF MY NIPPLES GET CAUGHT IN THE SEATBELT?

This is a very real possibility. Okay, so it’s date night. And dude is idling at the curb with his hazards on because there’s no goddamned parking in my stupid neighborhood and he’s already circled my block six times and is getting frustrated because it’s summer and his balls are sticking to the seat and that’s making him hate me a little bit already. I come out of my building wearing little more than sunscreen and an unconvincing smile. I get in his car and try to avoid looking in the direction of his flaccid penis while trying to keep my butt cheeks closed against his fancy leather seat. I don’t plan on fastening the seatbelt because that shit is hella awkward even when you’re wearing clothes, but his car has one of those stupid sensors that beeps increasingly loud the longer I sit there with the shit undone until I finally sigh and fumble to snap it into place. And then Bam! Dude hits a pothole and my parts shift and now my nipple is twisted and not in the hot way. Nipples are sensitive, dude. Nipples need shirts.

WHAT IF HE IS GROSSED OUT BY MY STOMACH HAIRS?

Once you hit 30 (or in my case, 17) your body rapidly devolves into the kind of situation that is served best by a little explanation prior to its naked viewing. I guess what I’m saying is is that I have never had to explain all of my weird moles within making the acquaintance of a new friend and the prospect of that fills me with anxiety.

Advertisement

WHAT IF HE REALLY ENJOYS MY “PERSONALITY”?

I don’t know how erections work. Do men have mind control over their penises, or does it just happen automatically, leaving them helpless and at the mercy of their raging boners? I also can’t help being so goddamned sexy, which is sure to make for a few uncomfortable exchanges with no slacks to obscure just how much he loves listening to me talk about clipping my fingernails or my conspiracy theories concerning John Cena’s reign as WWE champion. Ordinarily, I’d be forced to use my context clues to figure out that he’s become instantly smitten with me (that’s what it means when they yawn while you’re talking, right?), but if his dick is RIGHT THERE pointing due north am I just supposed to ignore it? Send him to the nearest public restroom to, I don’t know, deal with it? Stop being so motherfucking sexy? (just kidding it’s impossible for me to stop being sexy I mean come on.)

WHAT IF I HAVE TO POOP? THIS IS A SERIOUS QUESTION.

Okay fine, I would never do this. But I’ll watch it. Especially if I don’t have anything better to do on a Wednesday like read or watch the news. And you can come by when it’s on and we’ll post a million jokes on Facebook and maybe eat some ribs. Or any other food that requires clothing when you eat it. NIPPLES NEED SHIRTS.

Advertisement

Samantha Irby writes a blog called bitches gotta eat and recently published a book of essays called 'meaty.'