How To Handle A Relationship Argument

How To Handle Arguing In A Relationship Like An Adult

It’s the unsexy stuff that we shove under the rug. It’s the day-to-day of being in a couple: the relationship arguments that crop up from time to time over insignificant things. One minute, you’re talking about what movie you want to watch, and the next she’s telling you that she doesn’t feel appreciated in the relationship. Yikes! Arguments, as every couple knows, can go 0-90 in no time at all. Nobody wants to be that couple yelling at each other in IKEA, so read on for some ways to tackle and defuse minor arguments.

1. Listen For A Minute

This type of conversation is all too common.

Her: I promised we’d spend the holiday with my mother, though.

You: *not listening* Just make an excuse. I’m going to the store; what do you want?

Her: I hate the way you act sometimes. You always want to put yourself first.

You: Whoa, whoa. Where’s all this coming from? Relax; you’re making a fuss over something this trivial?

This is the kind of argument that can get ugly fast. You might be confused at why she’s reacting disproportionately, which is fair. You know a great way to clear up confusion? Listen. What’s she angry about, truly? In this case, she’s bringing up a problem she has — she doesn’t want to break a promise to her mother — and you’re being glib. If you take a moment before you respond, you’ll be much better equipped to handle her problem.

Her: I promised we’d spend the holiday with my mother, though.

You: Oh. Okay. Yeah. I understand that that’s a big deal to her.

Her: It really is! I feel like I’m being a bad daughter by not going.

You: You’re not! You just got your wires crossed with holiday plans. If you talk to her, I’m sure she will understand.

Listening says that you care about the other person, and it’s always the first step to resolving any argument.

2. Don’t Try To Sound Like The Authority

Women are often accused by men of being unsound thinkers, or not knowing enough about a subject. No matter what you’re fighting about, it is extremely unhelpful to state your position as if it were absolute fact, and as if the other person is being emotional. The great mistake that men make in arguments is that they try to sound authoritative. What’s really your goal here? Do you want to “win” the argument as if it were a court case? Or do you want the argument to be cleared up and for peace to resume?

Her: It’s not a good idea. I think this new office policy is really going to hurt the people at work.

You: You’re wrong, actually. It’s definitely going to benefit them.

Her: No, it’s not. I’m really upset that they initiated this.

You: I majored in economics. Trust me, you’re wrong about this.

Her: You’re being pompous. How the hell can you be so sure?

Hey, maybe she is wrong. But this isn’t a good way to challenge her assumptions. You have to come from a humbler place. The great irony of it is that when you speak with humility, and use words like “maybe” and “possibly,” you're more likely to convince the other person of your viewpoint.

Her: It’s not a good idea. I think this new office policy is really going to hurt the people at work.

You: You think? I’m not sure if I agree.

Her: I don’t know…Every time they’ve tried something like this in other offices, it’s ended up being a bad idea.

You: Maybe. But there are certain circumstances in which it could really pay off! Like X, and Y. Anyway, I wouldn’t worry about it just yet.

Suddenly, the whole tone of the conversation has changed. It’s been transformed from an unpleasant argument into a civil discussion where you both leave room for the possibility that you’re wrong. Yes, it’s easier said than done to jettison your ego, but it’s worth the ol’ college try.

3. Don’t Hit Below The Belt - Stay On Topic

I know, I know. You’re feeling incredibly frustrated and annoyed. In the heat of the moment, you’re sorely tempted to bring up something else — some other issue in the relationship that you feel sore about. Since you’re arguing anyway, why not get it all off your chest? Why not air all your feelings right now? Well, here’s why not:

Her: Every single time. I’m always the one who has to do household chores, despite the fact that I’m exhausted from work.

You: That’s not true. Who has been cooking and cleaning up after every single meal?

Her: That’s such a small portion of it-

You: *cutting her off* Whatever. You can play victim if you want. Remember last month when you thought I was cheating on you? Jesus, look at how much grief you gave me. It’s always this martyr role with you! Poor me, poor me. I’m fed up.

It’s normal to have more than one issue in a relationship, or multiple complex feelings towards a person! But you shouldn’t muddy the waters by bringing up old events. Just like boxing, arguments have their own set of Queensberry rules: no hitting below the belt. When you make personal attacks, or say petty things, the other person is almost certain to hit back. Suddenly, the argument has degraded into something vicious, and you’re both saying things you can’t forgive each other for (or at least, that you’ll remember for years). Don’t steer it into that kind of territory.

Her: Every single time. I’m always the one who has to do household chores, despite the fact that I’m exhausted from work.

You: That’s not true. Who has been cooking and cleaning up after every single meal?

Her: That’s such a small portion of it, though.

You: Okay, well, clearly we’re not seeing eye-to-eye here. I’m not happy about the division of labor, but maybe we can make some kind of chart or checklist designating whose responsibility it is to do different things?

When you keep the conversation focused on the current issue, the argument dies much sooner! If there are other issues you want to discuss — like the fact that she didn’t remember your birthday — find another time to bring that up. Preferably when you’re both calm, and not heated from arguing at the end of a long day.

Generally speaking: Be civil. Don’t raise your voice if you can help it. Take a deep breath. Try to have a sense of humor about it. This is stuff you won’t remember fighting about in 10 years, but why let it ruin your day now? Remember, it takes two to quarrel. If you stay relaxed, if you listen, and if you don’t act self-important about it, it will be almost impossible for anyone to lose their temper with you, and you’ll be seen as the most reasonable person in the room.