LOCKED IN

ARE YOU LOCKED IN?

My original plan was to write an article about the new Mahrez or the next Michu, but after significant research I realised there aren’t any this season so let’s quickly move on!!

Instead, I’d like to discuss one of the most universally recognised and debilitating conditions known to man… LOCKED IN syndrome. Now I’m not talking about the the light form of the condition whereby your body and nervous system no longer reacts but your brain is still fully functional, unable to communicate in a horrific state that must only be compared to actually being lost in space, or as Morrissey so eloquently put it “there is a light that will never go out”…

…Ohh no, not that (comparatively) light-weight affliction!

I am talking about the hardcore one that medical science hasn’t even tried to tackle yet. Although not exclusive to, this condition seems more prevalent in men, from any degree of background, race or creed. It involves the insatiable and horrific feeling of picking your final FPL squad and not thinking you’re a complete arse-faced idiot. Iteration after iteration are reviewed, changed, addressed, tinkered, reviewed again, tinkered, addressed, assessed, appraised, refined and then you come to that magical moment when you hit confirm and you’re LOCKED IN! This event ladies and gentlemen, is like a scene out of Trainspotting! I’ve been led to believe the best way to explain the next 24 hours is like a Fentanyl come-down of Prince-like proportions! You can’t sleep, you can’t eat, sweat drips from you and your default response to any question is a violent rage. It’s also not unheard of to neck a few cans of special brew and go on the rob down your local Spar.

The last few days have put serious pressure on my marriage and the kids are currently under temporary care of Gloucestershire social services, but the good news is I’m actually LOCKED IN and coming through the other side. I have 2 big hitters up top, 4 in midfield and my defence doesn’t look shite! I’m even happy with my keeper – bench? Smench! I’ve had to change my usual formation but I’m playing to my squad’s strengths which is what all the good managers do right???

I’ve decided to take myself out of this pressure cooker environment and have checked into a priory in Italy for a few weeks , I will however still be doing two things that I know every person reading this will also do:

Firstly, I’ll be looking at the results, clean sheets, bookings, red cards, assists and goals, paying close attention my captain, not to mention checking the WhatsApp every minute for rapid fire updates as to lineups and proceedings, then I will be waiting agonisingly for the BP’s to come in.

Secondly I will obviously check the performance of my rivals in the FFUK league! Work mates, family, friends, those blue-nosed bellends in the FFUK Mersey Derby, Daron the Cockney Manc Russell (can you believe a UTD fan wrote a money ball article PMSL) and hoping that a.) I’ve done alright and b.) my wildcard doesn’t need to be played by GW3 .

Anyway folks, I hope you’ve managed to make it through your LOCKED IN syndrome and wish you all the best of luck for 2017/18 season. It’s going to be a beauty and I look forward to sharing it with you all.

With BIG FFUK Love,

Duncan Hannigan

For anyone who hasn’t signed up yet, what are you waiting for? Have you invited your friends? The deadline is so close, but you have still got just enough time to sign in, join the FFUK league (Code 574 – 352) and LOCK IN your team for Gameweek 1!