We saw the Beamz Laser Music System in pictures last week, but little we knew then how totally demented, how amazingly asstupid and musically retarded this "synthesizer music system" could be in real life. Watch the video after the jump and marvel at the bozonic "one man rock band," the loungetard "quiet reverie," or the male-bonding "jam session." Update: the company has contacted me with some clarifications on this article and a test drive offer

"Everybody sounds great!" they say. Seriously, I had to check twice to see if this was a Conan O'Brien skit or not. Unfortunately, we knew it's just the worst infomercial and product in the history of the internet, available for $600 on April 15. And you have to love the Sharper Image comment when someone asks "are you using pre-sets? It seems that this is just signaling when to play a pre-set?" in YouTube:

The answer depends on the definition of 'pre-sets'. Yes, the product has voices and samples assigned to each beam, but the music itself is generated algorithmically by the beamz software. The user's playing technique determines when and how much of the sounds/melody stream is triggered thus creating a potentially different arrangement with each use.

So harsh that the public relations company that represents the product contacted me about it. Needless to say, they weren't happy about it:

Jesus:

Ouch! - you really nailed us on the beamz video. Okay, you don't like the video - I get that. But that's not being fair to the product itself.

Of course, we do think the beamz offers plenty of opportunity for creativity and I am hoping you'll see that when you get the product. It is not meant to be a traditional musical instrument because that takes so much training for people to master. The beamz was conceived and created by an accomplished Hollywood musician and songwriter whose goal was to allow the average music lover to experience the passion of making music.

Without a doubt, everyone who sees the beamz in person and uses it, absolutely loves it. The beamz was a huge hit this weekend at its first major public event - Celebrity Fight Night. You can find photos of the beamz at the event here.

Jesus, it's easy to knock us for a video you don't like - but I'd rather you see and use the beamz, then give us a fair review based on the merits of the product - not based on whether you like the video.

So, as the PR agency representing the beamz, I am offering you the opportunity to borrow a set of beamz for a product review. Are you willing to do that and give us a fair shot?

Matt Silverman

Director of Public Relations

R&R Partners

Needless to say, I'm testing this, even if I risk my soul and mental sanity in the process. Hopefully, it will arrive soon and leave even earlier, but I will give it, like everything else, a fair shot.