Mars Rover Should Not Get So Much Attention, Say Higgs-Boson Scientists

GENEVA (The Borowitz Report)—The landing of the Mars science rover Curiosity does not qualify as a significant scientific achievement and should not be getting so much of the public’s attention, says the team of scientists who discovered the Higgs boson last month.

“People see these beautiful pictures from outer space and they’re inclined to think that something amazing has been achieved,” a spokesperson for the Higgs-boson team said. “Let the Mars rover do something of genuine value, like, say, discover how the universe was created. Then I’ll be impressed.”

As for the NASA scientists behind the Mars rover, the Higgs-boson spokesman said, “I don’t think we should be too quick to use the word ‘scientist’ here. Honestly, anyone can grow a Mohawk and put on a headset and look cool and all, but that hardly makes you a scientist. Let’s see some of these dudes discover a particle or something along those lines. I mean, come on.”

From the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, in Pasadena, response to the Higgs-boson team’s comments was swift and irate, as a NASA spokesman called the remarks “an unacceptable diss.”

“You know the difference between the Mars rover and the Higgs boson?” said a NASA spokesman, his face red with anger. “You can actually see the Mars rover.”

The NASA official went on to say that “I can understand why the Higgs people think they found something that’s real and all, but as far as I can tell their so-called ‘boson’ is about as real as a leprechaun or a Smurf.”

In Geneva, the Higgs team was quick to fire back a response: “At the Large Hadron Collider lab, we’re used to honest disagreements between scientists. But we’d like to see that douche come over here and say that to our face.”

Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.