Unhappy Marriage?

Marriage, like the love that leads to it, rides many waves of change. And not all are fun. So asking, “Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce?” isn’t a yes-or-no query.

The answer, of course, ultimately lies with you and your spouse. But arriving at the answer shouldn’t be an arbitrary, heat-of-the-moment, feelings-only process.

If you’re at a point in your marriage where you’re contemplating “Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce?” we need to talk.

Ironically, talking -- how much, how, when, with what intention -- is often what’s missing in marriages on the threshold of divorce. In one way or another, communication is at the root of most problems.

If you research advice regarding staying in or leaving an unhappy marriage, you will get answers across the spectrum. And the black, white and gray of them all will have just as many shades of suggestions and directives.

A person looking for a reason to leave will find one. A person looking for a reason to stay will find one. The availability of advice and justification for any choice is abundant.

And that’s why it’s so important to consider the source of the information, and especially…

These tips for changing an unhappy marriage will help you begin changing yours.

To begin changing an unhappy marriage is to welcome an avalanche of feelings, questions, disappointments, even fears. The admission is like the last finger sliding from your death-grip on a steep cliff, with nothing below to catch you.

OK, so that’s a bit dramatic. But to the person finally mouthing the words, “I’m in an unhappy marriage,” that scenario may not be too far from the truth. After all, marriages don’t just rocket out of the “happiness atmosphere” and into the black hole of despair overnight. They inch their way along with a little neglect here, some acrimony there, a veneer of denial everywhere….

If you’ve reached the point where denial is no longer an option, you may wonder if changing an unhappy marriage is possible. And if you have come to this conclusion of unhappiness alone, you may feel you are the keeper of a deep, dark secret.

It’s unlikely that one spouse is miserable while the other is basking in bliss. But it’s not unrealistic to expect that the two come to their recognition of an unhappy marriage in different ways, at different times.

Living in an unhappy marriage hurts your entire family. Follow these steps to find happiness again.

Every marriage has its ups and downs. It’s just that when things are down and have been so for an extended period that it’s time to start considering how to handle an unhappy marriage so you can start feeling better.

After all, you deserve happiness. Your spouse deserves happiness and so do your children. Yet when you’re stuck in a miserable marriage it’s hard for anyone in the family to feel happy.

So how do you handle an unhappy marriage?

The first step is to realize that whatever you choose to do is a result of a choice you’re making (or not making).

You’ll read this article and probably lots more, but not one of them will tell you unequivocally that you need to divorce (unless you’re struggling with one of the marriage deal breakers). And not one of them will tell you that you MUST stay in your unhappy marriage.

Next, you’ll need to determine if it truly is the marriage that’s at the root of your unhappiness or if it’s something else.

Sometimes people confuse a sense of unhappiness about their life or a portion of it…

Saving an unhappy marriage takes tremendous commit & a willingness to work hard on your own issues.

The bliss of “dating/engagement/wedding” is hardly a trustworthy predictor of a marriage’s success post-Honeymoon Phase. Saving an unhappy marriage may not be on a wedding-day radar, but it sometimes becomes the unexpected goal not too far into the marriage.

Anyone who has ever aspired to grow-old-together love has witnessed at least one iconic couple so interwoven at a soul level that the partners are veritably “one.” They speak and move in unison, respond with impeccable timing, and somehow, inexplicably, look alike.

The deeply-entrenched love of elderly couples who have been together almost their entire lives can be so inextricable that the spouses can’t live without one another. Literally. The stories of spouses dying within months, weeks, even hours of one another are so poignantly common that they have their own name: the widowhood effect.

Whether these beacons of hope are grandparents, friends or movie characters, their mastery of commitment gives witnesses pause to consider their “tricks.”

Were they always this happy? Did they ever fall on tough times? Did they ever get bored or angry with one another? And did they ever have to worry about…

You don’t need to stay stuck in an unhappy marriage. You can choose to be happy again.

Spouses who are in an unhappy marriage but are afraid to leave will question not only their marriages, but themselves. And, while outsiders may be quick to judge those who linger in misery, the cleaving is rarely simple.

Marriage doesn’t bask forever in wedding day euphoria, though it may be healthy and happy. It has its proverbial ups and downs, and sprinkles even the happiest partners with periodic longings for independence.

When marriages take on the dark cloud of being unhappy or even toxic, however, countless descriptors come up:

infidelity

violence

anger issues

indifference

drug/alcohol abuse

lying

sexless

control/dominance

improper/abusive parenting

And yet, when people are in an unhappy marriage but are afraid to leave, their reasons for not leaving can almost skirt the gravity of their unhappiness: