My grandpa has led quite the life. He’s lived through countless wars, the Civil Rights Movement, and whatever the hell is currently happening in America. With all his experience, I sincerely hope he has a few secrets saved for his deathbed. Here’s a list of a few truth bombs I think he may drop on me.

“Condoms were made of the same rubber as tires”

And in fact, Grandpa will say, if you found yourself in a pinch, you could take the blunt end of a skinnin’ knife and whittle yourself a prophylactic off the rims of your Buick. There’s nothing better than a drive-in movie and a smelly Michelin sheath!

“Cars were safer back when they didn’t have seat belts.”

Speaking of cars, I suspect Grandpa pines for a time when he didn’t feel so chained down. Back in the 60’s, driving was freeing: people were one missed turn away from kissing the windshield. Today, driving is a big commitment. How is Gramps expected to put his seatbelt on EVERY TIME he wants to go somewhere?

“My Great Depression happened in the 60s”

Now Grandpa is not a racist, but he does take offense to the freewheeling hippies that populated his youth. A hardworking man his entire life, Gramps never touched LSD unless he wanted to communicate with Grandma.

“Grandma was a figment of everyone’s imaginations”

Dating back to my 4th grade talent show, I suspected that Grandma didn’t exist. On birthdays and holidays she was there for all of us, but other times Grandpa just talked to himself. As a child I had a difficult time separating fact from fiction, but more recently I found Grandma ignoring my phone calls. Still, I’m not sure who is to blame for the farts that emanate from Grandma’s seat at Thanksgiving.