twenty-nine and feeling fine, when i drink wine

Presidents Day and my Whirlwind Romance

Holidays such as Presidents day and events such as Free Communication Weekend on any dating site, are terrible pairings and it’s a terrible coincidence that both should occur together though at the same time brilliant on behalf of the dating site.

Am I the only one who gets lonely on random holidays? The office is closed and you’re bored as fuck.

You know you have stuff you should get done still, so you attempt to work from home while in your pajamas, but then as you’re looking for any possible distraction to eliminate doing any kind of real work in your pajamas, you remember that commercial that said Eharmony was doing a free communication weekend special and it ends at midnight tonight.

I loathe myself and all my holiday decisions.

I basically signed up for one free day and then texted half the people I know, that I had done so. Why? So someone could talk me out of it? Doubtful, since I was putting my picture up and cropping it in a flattering way at the time.

After an hour of being subscribed but not really subscribed, I begin to give way to impatience. It’s been over an hour and I only have until midnight to meet someone. This is my only chance ever! Not dramatic at all.

So I began “smiling” at my “matches” – that’s Eharmony for clicking a button on someone else’s profiles and saying hey I noticed you a little, and matches refer to the people that Eharmony found you to be compatible with based upon the personality questionnaire you both took.

I was three hours deep into waiting for something when finally entered Marcus.

He smiled at me (clicked the smilie face button on my profile) and wanted to get to know me (started a scripted back and forth exchange of information written by the site) and seemed really sweet (allowed the exchange of information to continue) and was everything I wanted him to be (he continued to let the prompt ask me questions).

I was smitten, I was hooked. How amazing that I just happened to do this today!

I loved everything on his profile. Did I mention that I couldn’t see his picture? Or any picture of him? Oh I didn’t mention that?

I wasn’t a technical real member of Eharmony and couldn’t see my matches pictures nor could they see mine (pretty sure) so I had to go off of what they wrote about themselves or where they claimed to be employed.

I was in love with a profile and a prompted discussion.

I was excited as anything as the site continued to prompt us to ask eachother about 5 things we can’t stand, our most ideal careers, how we would act at a party – oh the romance!

When it was at last all nearing to a close, Eharmony wouldn’t even let me message Marcus because I wasn’t subscribed. They did not approve of our love.

So he sneakily put his email into a prompted description question. HA!

The email piece happened just before midnight that night. The anxiety of the free communication ending at exactly midnight (highly unlikely) led me to panic that Marcus and I would not be able to exchange communication once the clock struck twelve.

It’s kind of like a modern day Cinderella story if you think about it. The clock struck twelve and that was it! Thank god she left that slipper behind.

I imagined in my half hour of stress leading up to midnight that our story was the same and that if nothing was left behind then we would be forever to part and never to find one another. We would spend decades searching and eventually I would cave and take out a personal loan to pay for the monthly charges so I could subscribe to the site, but by the time I subscribed it would be for naught because he would have already taken the money he used to spend on his monthly Eharmony fees, and use them instead to hire a private detective to find me.

I suppose this doesn’t exactly mirror the tragedy that would have been Cinderella not leaving the slipper but all in all how would that have been right?

Anyways so Marcus and I emailed the next day, very minimally because I was running from job to job.

All that day however I felt a bounce in my step. Twice I caught myself before revealing to strangers or coworkers that I was “talking to someone.”

I mean we had exchanged some very basic pleasantries about how our days were going and had yet to even discuss the exchanging of phone numbers, so you’re wondering how I jumped so far ahead and I don’t really have an answer for you.

In talking to one of my roommates about my new found love I threw out my curiosity of if Marcus had a facebook or not.

An hour or so later my roommate texted me that Marcus did not have a Facebook but he did have a Linkedin.

What happens next is devastating. Prepare yourself.

My roommate then texted me the screen shot of Marcus’s Linkedin account with his picture. Same last name, place of employment, age, etc.

I was leaving the parking lot of my work at this time and I can’t remember what any of my thoughts were when I received the picture but I do remember audibly half crying out “NOOO”

Marcus’s face was buried in fat.

Like a lot of it.

He looked at least 10 years older than his claimed age, and it looked like the only passions and hobbies he really pursued were eating.

Instantly furious with my roommate for exposing me to the truth and instantly grateful that he did.

Convinced for about a day and a half that Marcus and I were soul mates, this was a crushing blow.

I will say that I really did like Eharmony though and if I ever become a millionaire I will immediately subscribe and find a new Marcus who eats a normal amount and we will probably live in bliss, very similar to Cinderella, and or Sleeping Beauty once she wakes up.