KEEP SMILING

She looked in and saw old Harvey sitting up in bed pretending to drive.

She asked, Harvey, what are you doing?'

He replied, 'I'm driving to Toronto .'

The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds

The next night as she walked past Harvey’s room she saw the same thing.

Again she asked, 'Harvey, what are you doing?'

He replied, 'I'm driving to Toronto .. It's a two day trip, you know!'

The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.

Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in.

She saw Sam pretending to dance with someone.

She then asked, 'Sam what are you doing?'

Sam replied, 'I'm dancing with Harvey’s wife. He's gone to Toronto for a couple of days...'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May love and laughter light your days, and warm your heart and home.

May good and faithful friends be yours, wherever you may roam.

May peace and plenty bless your world with joy that long endures.

May all life's passing seasons bring the best to you and yours!

2018-jokes-dec-003.mp4

We were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African tribe whose men all had penises 18 inches long. When the male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 18 inches.

Later that evening as I was getting out of the shower, my wife looked at me and said, "How about we try the African String-and-Weight procedure?" I reluctantly agreed and we tied a string and a weight to my penis.

Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what he tried. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “One, two, three - uuump!”, all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “How was your night?"

"It was so embarrassing. I couldn’t get it up no matter how hard I tried."

The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get up on the f 'in bed.”

A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks, "Wit all dem lawsuits going on, I'm feelin' kinda left out. How do I get in on some of dat action? I hears dat people are suing the cigarette companies 'cause they got cancer and others are suing the Big Mac company cause they got themselves fat and all kinds of stuff."

His lawyer asks "And which one of those categories do You fit under?"

The dear ole Newfie, God bless his soul answers.....

"Neider b'y, I just wanna know if I can sue Molson's for all dem ugly women I woke up wit".

Request for Pay Raise

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria : "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increase."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife : "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria : "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife : "Oh yeah?"

Maria : "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife : "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria : "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria : "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: (Really boiling now and gritting her teeth): "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora... the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you think would be fair?"

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy, enjoy your retirement, and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in spa-like conditions- central heating, room service on tap, and then... I rest my case.

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.. , none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.

Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are all fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in t

Pharmacist to a customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription...simply showing your marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough."

“Like, me sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked. "Or reading all the books I ever wanted to read?"

My "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and join something.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Mother, are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going

to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!

This is a Membership to a ProstituteClub, not a Parachute Club.”

I calmly replied, "Oh my, I think I'm in real trouble then, because I signed up for five jumps a week!!”

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown rugs."

The rancher said, " Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your BADGE!"

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary......"

A NEW PAIN TRANSFER MACHINE

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife subsequently delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase

"You Gotta Be Shittin’ Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Founding Father of USA, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Cox and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Cox, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Cox and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Cox, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favourites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Cox.'

And the Madam said , 'You gotta be shittin’ me!!!’

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day .

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting ,

he looked up and said , " Grandma , how come you don't have a

boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven ? "

Grandma replied , " Honey , my TV is my boyfriend . I can sit in

my bedroom and watch it all day long . The religious programs make

me feel good , and the comedies make me laugh ... I'm happy with

my TV as my boyfriend ! " .

Grandma turned on the TV , and the reception was terrible . She started adjusting the knobs ,

trying toget the picture in focus . Frustrated , she started hitting the backside

of the TV hoping to fix the problem . The little boy heard the doorbell

ring , so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister .

Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Husband: Because I'm hot.

Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Husband: You don't love me anymore.

Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Husband: Please...go on.

Wife: All right, I'll do it.

Husband: What's the matter? You need a flashlight?

Wife: I can't find it in the dark.

Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Wife: There! Are you satisfied?

Husband: Oh, yes.

Wife: Is it up far enough?

Husband: Yeah! that's good.

Wife: Right! Now go to sleep.

And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself.

Canadian National Dream

While strolling round the Harbor this morning about 7 am, I noticed a character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, Coast Guard, Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.

It is now 11 am, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond. I'm starting to think... did I waste four stamps

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence.

As he climbed down the other side he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little con-descending.

Across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3,000 years old! The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that during a famine, they seek food from the sea.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews. The audience applauded enthusiastically.

“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

Telling Him Softly

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage, created by a soft, silky, pushup bra, and, pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting it drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."

POOR PHIL'S SCROTUM

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "Hi, I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum..."

('.')

<))>

_/\_

Completely Stoned Nudists on Bruce Peninsula

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