Transcript: Biden orders reporter jailed in closet (satire)

Luke Broadwater

Perhaps you saw the report on Drudge about "closet-gate," which broke this weekend, in which staffers for Vice President Joe Biden constrained a Florida journalist to closet during a fundraiser at a wealthy developer's house.

But what you haven't heard about -- until now -- is the 4-minute phone call that preceded that deprivation of freedom. Through our well-placed sources at the White House, we present to you the entire transcript of that phone call between party host Alan Ginsburg and the vice president. Enjoy!

9:08 a.m.

[Phone ringing]

Developer Alan Ginsburg: Hello?

Joe Biden: Alan. How the f--- are ya?

AG: Oh, hello, Mr. Vice President. I didn't realize you'd be calling.

JB: Well why the f--- wouldn't I be? We've got a f---in' fundraiser there tomorrow.

AG: Of course. I understand. How can I help you?

JB: Listen. There's this thing we've got to take care of, something that's very important that I need you to handle for me. Understand?

JB: In any of them, do you have anything that could be used to, say, jail a person?

AG: Excuse me. Did you say "jail a person"?

JB: Yes, jail a person. Well, not a person, really. A reporter.

AG: Um, you're kidding, right?

JB: Does it sound like I'm f---in' kidding?

AG: Well, I don't have any place like that here.

JB: Really, in that whole f---in mansion, you don't have a single f---in' room that would be suitable for a jail? I mean, you don't have a dungeon or a panic room or an old slave quarters or something?

AG: No, I have nothing like that. May I ask why you're bringing this up? We're not going to be doing anything illegal tomorrow, are we?

JB: No, no. Nothing like that. It's just, these damn reporters. I mean, should they really be permitted to walk around freely throughout your place like they're our equals? Should they just talk to whoever they want with their little notepads and their little pencils? They're reporters, man. Reporters!

AG: You raise a good point, sir. I think I may have just thought of something that could work.

JB: Really? Great! What is it?

AG: Well, I think I have a small closet we could jail him in.

JB: A closet? Alan, Alan, I must say that is a very disappointing suggesting. It's demeaning, sure, but we're looking to deprive freedom here, not merely demean. Are there at least chains or handcuffs inside this closet?

AG: I'll try to see that that's arranged, sir.

JB: Good, good. Because, I mean, even if it is only a closet, at least we can tie his a-- up with rope or something.

AG: Yes, I guess we can do that. Remind me why we're doing this again?

JB: Alan, Alan, you're losing focus. Did you hear what I said to you earlier. This guy is a reporter. We don't need any other reason. These guys get their jollies messing up quotes and creating fake controversies. Right now, they're questioning the war -- I mean, police action -- in Libya. They keep asking annoying questions about the stimulus spending and unemployment numbers. This is our chance to really stick it to one of them.

AG: OK, Mr. Vice President. I'll see what I can do.

JB. Great, great. Alan, I can always count on you. You rich guys are great. Just great.

AG: No problem.

JB. Oh, and Alan, one more thing.

AG: Yes, what's that?

JB: Can you make sure you arrange for me to get one of those whips with a spiked ball on the end of it? What's that called?

AG: That's called a flail, sir.

JB: Ah, a flail, that's right.

AG: What are you going to use one of those for?

JB: That's none of your business, Alan. Just make sure I have it and the reporter is in the closet.

AG: OK, Mr. Vice President.

JB: Alan, thanks for arranging all of this. I mean, all those rich bastards you're friends with are really going to help out our candidate. This is a great thing you're doing for the party, Alan. Just great.

AG: Thank you very much, sir.

JB: OK, I gotta run. Jill signed me up for an "anger management" class. It's a bunch of bulls---. But that's marriage.