Tag Archive: Loss

I’m not coping. I’m trying. Trying so damn hard to smile but that smile won’t appear. All that comes is tears. My emotions spin and click through a cycle I don’t even understand. I’ve always been an emotional person. That can be good and bad I guess. I feel everything to deeply. And with you? You’ve always magnified every emotion by 100. I have always loved you more for it. But right now? Right now I can’t cope. And these stupid tears? They don’t stop….

I plucked up the courage to look in the mirror earlier. I look a mess. My eyes are all bloodshot and red. There comes a moment. That moment. That moment when your happiness snaps and disintegrates right before your eyes. If this is what loving someone completely, unconditionally, feels like? Then let me never love again. Let this be the very last time I love. I wasn’t made for hurt. Not hurt like this. I never want you to feel like this. You once told me that you don’t let people see the way you feel because they wouldn’t understand, they couldn’t. So you keep it to yourself, at the time? I thought how lonely that must feel…. but now? Now I know that I never want you to feel like this ever. I don’t want you to feel this destruction, desolation.

….You think your going to be ok that your going to be alright and for those first few hours you are. Then it hits you. You start to crack, to break. You literally start falling apart. EVERYTHING falls apart. And you take a step back inside yourself as you watch helpless, you see everything crashing down and then this huge crashing wave engulfs you and all you feel is sadness gut wrenching heart breaking sadness. The kind that overtakes your very essence. It fills you and slowly starts to strip away layer upon layer of your skin. Tearing you apart. Pulling the very flesh from you. Tossing your organs on the floor. This huge monster that is sadness. It takes hold of your bones and crushes them one by one. And your just supposed to hold it all in. Your just supposed to smile and tell the world your ok when inside this utter devestation is happening. No. No I don’t ever want you to feel like that. But that’s love. Pure unconditional love.

I’ve just received a wordfued game request. I love that game. I play every day. The request? I can hear your voice…. I’m crying hard and trying not to. I can see every smile we’ve had playing that game. I miss you so much. I want you in my life. Without you there is something missing. Something dies. And something you take with you. And this…. I am left with this hurricane inside me ripping everything up and tearing everything apart. Destroying everything. You mean that much, it does this much damage. This poison inside me, the only cure I know is you. But you I don’t have. Part of me is dieing and I can’t fix it. I can’t cope with it. I don’t even understand it.

The songs have skipped and I’m playing a different band. Every song is by “Nightcore” the current song is called “Let it burn” I like them anyway but I know your not keen on this particular genre so it won’t remind me of you. It didn’t work. Half the songs I’ve listened to so far have made me think of you. I even put one on the play list that reminds me of you. I don’t even know if you’ve ever listened to it. I guess you will unfollow me. In fact I don’t even want to think about it but to late, I am crying again. In a way I know I can use WordPress to write all this out because you don’t come here. I think you only ever came when I supplied you with links to specific posts. I van hear your words…. “You write so damn much woman.” But you knew, you knew that writing was/is my outlet. All those things i cant say? You’ve always known I can use words, I can write them…. It doesn’t matter any more any way. You are gone…. it’s just me and my thoughts left. Just me destroying myself on the screen as I watch the destruction within me….

I don’t want to do this any more. I don’t even want to blink. In that split nano second I do? I see you. And I don’t want to breathe. That blinding pain with each and every breath. And I don’t want to hear because all I hear is your oh so sexy liquid velvet voice. And I don’t want to think because all I think about is you. These tears won’t stop and I’m trying so hard to make them stop but now I’m in the bathroom crying so hard that I had to stop writing I had to put the fan on and run some water to hide the sound. I can’t cope. I miss you. I miss you so much there is a coflagration within me and it will destroy whatever it can. All I can do is watch as all these elements wage war inside.

The song that plays mocks me…. “Nightcore” “Hearts will repair” no mine won’t. You are carved so deeply upon it. Nothing and no one else matters….

1 more minute. 1 more moment. So lucky are those that take that 1 more moment for granted. That take the hour’s, the days spent for granted. That don’t realise there are those that would give anything for just 1 more moment. 1 more smile. 1 more word. 1 more phone call. 1 more message. 1 more thought….

Honestly? Just like the song says? I’d give up forever to touch you…. your all I want. All I’ve wanted. There is a part of me dieing and as fast as I throw logs on to it to keep its fire burning? It drowns my fire in tears. My soul cries for you. The insides of me crumble and fall away and leave this broken shell. Tell me what do I do? I love you so damn much and it’s ripping me to shreds. I keep wondering and wandering. I’m losing my shit and falling. The waves of my tears crashing over everything. I want to be mad at you. I want you to burn like I burn and fall like I fall. I want you to know like I know. But what’s it matter? I don’t matter. Let me go up in flames and be nothing left but dust that is forgotten and blown away. My soul that ever moving storm it’s a fucking hurricane for you. Always for you. Only for you. The whole ceases to matter. Just you. Tell me how I tear you out from inside these bones? How do I release you from these veins? Mentally and emotionally? I am tearing myself apart with such ferocity that I’m destroying everything. Do I have to do this physically? Will it release me from you? Will you leave my veins? You’ve taken my smile, my joy, my happiness, I want them back. I want you back. My soul screams in the darkest depths of a hell it doesn’t understand…. it screams for you in the endless bitter blackness. It wanders alone and afraid because you are gone.

I want to grate the very skin from these bones. Strip the sinew and muscle away. Pull these veins apart. Pick the empty organs from these fleshless bones and toss them away one by one in furthest most hidden corners. Let this skeleton bleach white in the burning sun then fade in the darkest corner of this land. Bury it a million miles deep so that every part of my being may painfully whither away alone from the rest…. How to describe how I feel? Pretty darn close….

What do you do when you receive bad news? How would you react if someone you truly cared about passed away? It’s not really something we think about until we have to face it. That’s what I think anyway….
Yesterday evening my mobile rang and very unusual my 11 yr old son picked it up, he puts it on speaker just like he always does and the person on the other end says give the fone to your dad. He was in the kitchen with me. She says I’ve got to tell Nem something that’s going to upset her. I don’t remember the rest of what she said as I knew…. I wouldn’t take the mobile from him. I burst into tears. I don’t do well with emotion. I grabbed my jacket and purse and walked out the door I don’t remember going to the shop. I don’t remember buying cigarettes. I realised about an hour later that I was smoking and about 2 miles from home and still the tears were falling. I don’t smoke unless something is extremely stressful then, smoking is my release.
I came home kissed my kids good night laid down with the girls until they were asleep and thought. I sat in the front room for hours and thought. I went to bed at 4 this morning. I woke at 7:20.
So many of my happy memories as a child begin and end with Zieda. My granddad. He lived a long time. He saw alot in his life. He met all the great grandchildren that I gave him. As I grew up in care and spent many years with family out of my life, I can’t begin to imagine how everyone else is feeling….
After our parents, who must be going through a personal hell, a never ending rabbit hole of emotions, comes us, our generation in the family. My cousins and I. My cousins grew up with our grandparents. They were a constant in their lives….
I can’t begin to imagine what they are feeling, what they are going through…. Where I, through practice over the years have learnt to bury and build walls to blank all existence of whatever upsets me and just be left with the lost emptyness. I don’t want/refuse to accept the hurt this is giving. I’m not immune to their feelings and I’m sure they must be feeling a hundred million times worse. A hundred million times more lost….
My thoughts and feelings go out to them. I’m so very sorry for their loss….
I just don’t know know what to say….

Empty footsteps upon the hill,Silent marchingpicturesque in the still,A heartbeat devotedto times gone by,All that’s left is the memory captured in minds eye,Serve your countryserve it well,You don’t grace us the horrors you smile never tell,You say its alrightit’s ok not that bad,Your wife she collapsed your friends all so sad,It’s gonna be okshit happens I’m living life you said,And now the truth is we’d sell our soulsto have you here and not dead….