The universe is in your hands, eventually

You may be on the Internet now because you need information and you’re strapped for time. Perhaps you’re at work, shirking your duties and wishing that time would pass quickly. Or maybe you’re in the middle of a huge porn download and want something to do while waiting to get your perv on.

Our little Intertron has become quite the time machine. It is the 21st Century substitute for nail-biting, knuckle-popping, finger-tapping and other things that signify impatience. We come here to make time move more quickly.

(Don’t touch anything while you’re on the Intertron Time Machine, by the way, or you could alter the future. This goes double for you porn downloaders.)

Think different. Think slow.

The Intertubes accomplish this through high speed Internet connections, which are becoming more and more commonplace, and through the tubes themselves, which deliver mass quantities of (largely useless) information. This is the Alpha and Omega of the Web. Speed. Data. Period.

If, however, you want a Web site that throws a monkey wrench (or “monkey spank,” for you porn guys) into the equation, visit The Universe. It delivers, well, a universe of information in an excruciatingly slow and painful — albeit proportionally accurate — amount of time. Even with an extremely fast Internet connection, this is not going to go very quickly. Are you still up for it? Good. Get back to me in a few hours.

The world is doomed and this is proof

Gunfire broke out at a party held after the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards, injuring three men. Yes. You read that correctly. It happened at neither the Source awards, nor the Vibe awards, or even at the Bandidos “Meth Cook of the Year” awards. We’re talking about Nick, the wholesome basic cable network where singer Alanis Morissette and SNL cast member Keenan Thompson got their start. Spongebob Squarepants had no comment, but if he did, you can be rest assured it would hilarious.

The police make a mistake and refuse to admit it? Piffle and poppycock! And yet, here are the facts — Mr. Universe, aka Doug Burns, 43, has been charged with resisting arrest and assault after police believed the body-builder, who was suffering from reaction to diabetes medicine, was either drunk or high. It took a security guard and four cops to subdue him, and they had to use mace on the Burns, a board member of the American Diabetes Association. Even after learning of the facts, cops charged him.