‘Twas the first time all four of my boys started a ‘Saders Superdooper 15 match together. Oh, and my nephew Ben Funnell started the match at hooker, too.

I can’t believe I gave birth to a lock, two flankers and a back. I’ve been busy checking the family tree for long-lost Whitelocks and Funnells. Just in case. Imagine 15 of us taking the field for the ‘Saders …

“Feck me, we’re a similie again.”

Unfortunately, they didn’t manage to win the match on April 5th. Now I’m objective when it comes to my boys playing rugby but anyone with SkySport and without cataracts could see that 10/15ths of the team played like horse manure. Still, at least the match was in Safferland, so it’s not as if it really counts.

The four boys – plus cousin Ben – are coming home to Mangatainoka to celebrate. I think all of the area’s 85,000 folk must have been helping us get ready!

“Feck me, the pigs have gone. We’re next. A lemon up the arse and into the oven.”

It’s a good thing we rear our own chickens and pigs – we’ve had to fatten two pigs just to fill up Luke!

We also had the floor boards reinforced and all the door frames widened and made taller to accommodate Sam’s 6’ 8” frame. Last time he was here he broke all the furniture and got stuck in the toilet!

Now as well as doing the washing, cleaning, cheerleading and chauffeuring, I usually cut the boys’ hair when they come home. A number four with a fringe. I couldn’t be doing any of those so-called Northern haircuts! I mean, have you seen some of those English boys’ cuts? They’re trouble with a capital P for Police if ever I’ve seen it.

Actually, George and Adam are starting to worry about their receding hairlines so I’ve ordered a tankerload of fertilizer. I’m sure that will do the trick.

Now, like all mothers, I know you’re wondering about discipline. Four hulking lads, how do I control them? It’s hard. I tell them they need to stop rolling around on the floor and they just don’t listen to me. That’s where Dad comes in handy. Dad Braeden was a Junior All Black and, believe me, he hasn’t forgotten how to ruck.

“Feck me, there goes another drive belt.”

I expect the boys will bring home their washing because that’s what boys do, right? I haven’t seen them since Christmas so that means about 200 sets of kit to wash for each boy, so 1,000 kits in all.

My washing line stretches all the way down to Welly! I need to ask all of Mangatainoka to help clean their boots, too, as we need to be finished before the start of next season!

Well, can’t spend any longer writing in my diary. The boys will be here soon! I can hear rumbling in the distance, must be the ‘Saders horses!

“Feck me, not all the way to Mangatainoka again.”

Read over Mrs Whitelock’s shoulder by Coddfish in the checkout queue at the Mangatainoka Co-op

It really, really did. There are some great moments of old rugby that I could have implanted in my eye and watch on an endless loop, but if I had to watch those disorganised defences too much it’d make me implode.

SextonHalfpennySandwich double bluffed me, I collected the little 2 from my mothers and was still home before her….she is getting the hang of it(although she made error 1 in my dilemma and got home too early and had to pitch in with the dinner) I may have to form a new strategy

Also I can get anything from the hotel on expenses but a receipt at bargain booze wont get past the boss man these days. Actually its another reason to go over the road and pass every penny off as client entertainment. Only it might be career limiting to be up at 2 pissed explaining to our biggest customer why really they’re entirely clueless and unrealistic and none of them would last5 minutes in a commercial company not bankrolled by the tax payer. Its a quandary

Walked a few hundred yards no offy in sight. Got scared (too much traffic for this time of night). Succumbed to my usual spot. Nice brie starter and a kamb shank on the specials. That’ll do and thus far no clients spotted. On edge. Wish me luck

Was nice. Needed more sauce. (Or jus or whatever). Gonna look for new hotels for these visits. All the places on the company list are pretty soulless and far from civilisation. All traffic and no off licenses.

Claw picks up a pool cue and swings at the enraged prop. The prop falls to the ground with a satisfying thud. Claw stands with a broken pool cue in his hand. Killer looks on with gratitude. Unfortunately, the noise from the fight has attracted the attention of the prop’s teammates who are now moving toward Claw and Killer. Do you run out of the door of the pub or stay and fight the prop’s teammates?

The odds are unedifying, the situation grim. At this stage salvation arrives in the form of the BTL meet-up crowd. Karl doubles over (steady!) two men with lewd innuendo, Christian Harris captures three opponents who are Welshmen in a 6 nations celebratory embrace, Meades incapacitates four in gales of laughter at his drunkenness, and RoS goosesteps into the bar clad in his Austrian rugby shirt and starts windmilling teutonically.

And Tim scares the remainder into fleeing the pub by lurking right behind them with extreme prejudice.

Someone mention me? I vote Killer and I do the business in dealing with the crowd. I may be a fop but I’m good at fighting. Anyway. I have some spare tickets for both finals. Brumail me if you want some action.

considering he’s just gotten into the sevens group after coming out of U-Cal and surprisingly going to the WC (without Chris Wyles injury I doubt he’d have played) but I definitely think he’s a big talent.

My good brother, Mr Meades. With his wedding, he has a lot on his plate. It has left me in an unusual position. A potentially fantastic final and nary a taker. Never mind. I have Peter Sarstedt to keep me entertained.

brumailed you…… a mate would love to take 2 Amlins of yer hands, he has 2 halfway line premium tickets for the Heineken(so he is sorted that way)…..he reckons there are a lot of Heineken tickets floating about but amlin are like hens teeth, same for semi on Saturday, season ticket holders are getting 1st call, and left overs go on general sale 6 hours before the game

Wifey has started compiling a ‘he’d do’ list…..I’m pretty sure he was mentioned as cute a few months back, she refuted that allegation when she seen him last weekend particularly his barnet.

Nailed On, and Halfpenny are on the list, as is Paddy Jackson…..I think its a mixture of the confidence and fear she can see in the close up of their faces when they takes shots at goal, well its probably pure panic in PJ’s case…….funnily enough Farrell leaves her cold

@avs, benny – what a shame! He was fantastic last week but I doubt he’ll get a Wallaby gig if he carries on like this. Especially as there are a couple of other, ahem, fragile, characters in the reckoning.