At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology. In ratology, we get to observe whether someone with psychosis and neurosis could amount to something. This was a question to be answered till the end of my time. Except for now, a few stenosis and hernia as well as months of diminished mobility and debilitating pain after, the question has turned to be... Could someone with such characteristics amount to anything and go anywhere?

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

10 o'clock in the morning

I don't think that this is for the first time for me to come to the realization... after all these years, symptoms like computers have become, if not merely part of me, part of my family.

During my meeting with my psychiatrist today, my old pal came out again... the psychosomatic symptom of anxiety that start from making me stuttered and gradually mutes me.

The new psychiatrist hadn't seen things like that before and asked me whether the phenomenon was scary to me.

I, to a certain degree, really did not understand the reason why I should be scared.

After all these years, all phenomena are but part of my being.

What is to be scared about and what is to be concerned about?

Physical conditions could really kill you.

Thank God I am merely well experienced in mental health problem and I am in no rush to have more physical conditions to enrich my understanding of phenomenology. lol (and knock on wood)

Regress back to my childhood? Anxiety tightened the vocal cord? Meds gone crazy? Or the feeling of me getting overdosed again and the anxiety induced by the anticipation about the coming struggle with my psychiatrist about the dosage adjustment?

It doesn't matter why I lost my voice.

What matters is my understanding that... with or without you, symptoms, I live. lol

Gotten back to my office, my voice came back (i.e., I could speak.) although I was still trying to get over with the extra amount of stress introduced by the experience…

I thought, then, to myself…

What a busy life.

10:00 o’clock in the morning---

I had begun my day rushing to see my psychiatrist, experiencing some anxiety-induced speech pathology, getting the voice back and loosing it again, adjusting to the after-effect as a result of the experience while running back to the office.

It’s 10:00 o’clock in the morning. Just got into the office. Have you had a few rounds of anxiety attacks in psychosomatic forms yet? lol