Category Archives: Fat Kid Style

Well, the months of November through January really kicked my ass. And by kicked my ass, I mean made my ass grow. And my belly. And my chin(s). It’s time for a serious detox. Which is why, for the month of February (aka the shortest month of the year), I am going to cut out dairy and processed carbs. I’m not doing Whole30 because I love alcohol and truvia and diet coke, but I am going to try and start eating way healthier. So, before I started this healty eating (it’s literally been less than 6 hours), I made some delicious pork Bolognese for dinner while it was still January. It doesn’t suck, and serves about 6, with some definite leftovers. Wish me luck without my favorite food groups this month. I don’t know if I’ll make it. **UPDATE: I made it til exactly 8:15 before I messed up….I went to give my babe cheerios and tasted a few to make sure they weren’t stale. I spit them out, so it doesn’t count, but Crawdad definitely is claiming an early victory. Damnit. Anyways—here’s the recipe! If you have any non dairy, non carb recipes, hit me up @ thewifewithaknife@gmail.com. Also-please excuse the less than stellar pics…I must have eaten my camera, because I can’t seem to locate it.

For the pork Bolognese and pasta…

5 lbs. ground pork

1 tsp. garlic salt

1 tsp. crushed red pepper

½ tsp. black pepper

2 tbs. extra virgin olive oil

1 onion, chopped

10 garlic cloves, chopped

1 cup red wine

2 large cans San Marzano crushed tomatoes

8 basil leaves, chopped

1 lb. whole wheat gemelli pasta (fusilli if they don’t have gemelli)

For the whipped ricotta…

1 container of low fat ricotta cheese (usually 15oz)

1 tsp. salt

2 tbs. heavy cream

Squeeze of lemon juice

In a large skillet on medium heat, brown the ground pork for 5 minutes, stirring in the seasonings (garlic salt, pepper, crushed red pepper). It’s ok if the pork isn’t cooked through-it will cook more as the sauce simmers. Sauté the onions and garlic in the olive oil in a larger stock pot or Dutch oven until onions are translucent, about 5 minutes. Add in the red wine, and cook for 5 minutes, until the wine has reduced almost all the way. Add in the crushed tomatoes, ground pork and basil and simmer on lowest setting for 4 hours, stirring occasionally. If you have a crock pot, you can put the sauce in there and cook for 4 hours on low (I’d recommend this way). Cook your pasta according to the directions on the box, cooking times varies for different brands. While your pasta is cooking, combine all the ingredients for the whipped ricotta in a bowl and either whip by hand or with a hand mixer until all the ingredients are combined. You will definitely have leftover ricotta mixture, which you can add spices to and make a yummy dip with later in the week! Top the pasta with your sauce and garnish with a spoonful of whipped ricotta. Enjoy!

Martha Stewart has a pretty similar version of this. B*tch stole my idea….jk her recipe is a classic, but I like to add in more garlic, some lemon and butter. Adding cold butter to pasta at the very end adds in a ton of richness and makes the pasta shine a little bit. Plus, a Martha inspired recipe with a touch of Paula Deen–can’t diaBETE it. Also, my fata$s didn’t snap a pic of the finished product, but I did get pics of a cute babe trying to eat the uncooked version…UPDATE…found a pic, but it’s not pretty so it’s at the end

This recipe will EASILY feed four, if not more!

¾ package whole wheat linguine (approximately 12oz)

½ white onion, thinly sliced

5 cloves garlic, chopped

10 large basil leaves, chopped

3 small lemon slices, no seeds

1 cup cherry tomatoes, halved

¼ tsp. crushed red pepper

4 ½ cups water

2 tbs. olive oil

1 tbs. COLD butter

Parmesan to your preference

Salt and pepper to your preference

In a large saute pan (I use this all, All-Clad stainless steel pan), put pasta down first, followed by all of the ingredients besides the last three (butter, parm and seasoning). Martha Stewart’s recipe says to use a straight edged pan, but the woman spent some time in the slammer, so she might be lying. I had a large, straight edged pan, so I used it, but just use a pan that can fit the noodles flat. I like to go ahead and put in a bit of salt at this time to season the water/oil more. Bring the ingredients to a boil, and once it boils, start stirring or tossing all the ingredients together in the pan. Once the pasta mixture boils, it should take about 10 minutes to cook, and the water/oil combo will turn into its own sauce. At the end, toss in the cold butter and some parmesan and season to taste. I threw in the rest of the mozzarella pearls from the meatballs I had made, so it was super cheesy. I personally think it tastes better with white pasta, but in an attempt to be less fat, I used wheat noodles. Also, mice ate through all my boxes of white pasta last week so I only had wheat linguine. Add some fresh chopped basil if you please!

My sweet husband thought it was a good idea to take a picture of me, mid-contraction, on a bench outside of the hospital. That happened several times on the way from the car to the room….

Or at least that’s what we will tell our sweet girl in 15 years. Turns out, I don’t understand what contractions feel like, and am a total dumbass. Either that, or I just wanted to have three square meals before I checked into the hospital. I probably should have gone to the hospital 10 hours before I actually got there, but an hour and a half after I checked in, we had a beautiful baby girl who has stolen my attention span and yearning to cook for the past five weeks. She’s my new obsession and I’ve taken over 1200 photos of pretty much the same thing and think they are just the cutest. I’m SO annoying now. It has taken me almost two hours to write this post because I’ve picked the baby up fifteen times because I thought she needed to burp. Or was having a bad dream. Or wanted to pet the dog. Or just wanted to love on me. Whatever, I am a baby person now, get over it. But I know I still love my dog, still love to cook, and still love my husband. All in pretty much that same order. (Jk?). But seriously, my dog is the best.

he guards the babe at all times

Anyways, the day before I hatched our baby, I decided a breakfast feast was the way to go. It was going to be our last Sunday as a family of 3 (yes, my dog counts as a human), and a lazy fat Sunday needed to happen. And it did…. Homemade piggies, sausage gravy, soft scrambled eggs, sausage, and fruit (for picture purposes only) graced the menu. I used canned biscuits b/c I didn’t have enough flour to make a full batch of biscuits from scratch, but the gravy is really the best part, so that should be the most important. If you aren’t 9 months pregnant and don’t have an excuse to eat for two, I guess you could use low-fat ingredients or eat less, but I recommend using exactly what I used…I won’t judge.

In a cast iron pan, cook the breakfast sausage, breaking it up into desired size. I like to break it up into little tiny pieces so that there is sausage in every bite. Once the sausage gets close to fully cooked, add in half of the flour and stir to coat the sausage, stirring/cooking for 30 or so seconds and then add in the rest of the flour. Once the sausage absorbs the flour, add in the milk and onion powder and whisk/stir to combine. Simmer the gravy for 10ish minutes until it becomes a gravy-ish thick consistency. Ew, that sounds gross. Add in the salt and pepper and taste it. If it needs more salt, add it. If it’s too thick, add more milk. Don’t be an idiot. If you want a badass biscuit recipe, use this one: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/biscuits-recipe.html because Paula Deen is one b*tch who isn’t messing around with biscuits. Or diabetes. Or anyone who isn’t white. Basically Paula Deen is a racist diabetic, but damnit if she doesn’t have some good recipes. She even created Deep Fried Chocolate Pound Cake and something called “Is It Really Better Than Sex? Cake.” Vomit. The thought of Paula Deen getting dirty… not something I should’ve put in your head? Ok fine, imagine childbirth. Not sure which is worse?

Wait, yes I do. CHILDBIRTH

Only nugget yummier than chick-fila’s

So now, I am about to bid farewell to the angel that has been helping us with sweet E for the past few weeks and hopefully will start cooking more and writing more, so stay tuned… My four-legged assistant seems to be quite the babysitter, so maybe I can leave the babe at home with her brother and write more restaurant reviews? TBD…. Warning, the rest is of this is just cute pics of my little hot pocket. Stop reading if you hate babies (which is where I would’ve stopped reading five weeks ago to be totally honest).