3/22/18

(I originally posted this article
in Good Men
Project back in June 20, 2014 after the Isla Vista killings. 4 years later and NOTHING
has changed.)

Helen: Everyone’s special, Dash.

Dash:
[muttering] Which is another way of saying no one is.

The Incredibles (2004)

As we horribly wait for
the next school shooting, which should happen in a couple of weeks if the
prevalent pattern continues, we desperately try to find answers and solutions.
We try to empathize with the killers, if for no other reason, out of guilt for failing
these young men. You would think with the 74 school shootings within the last
18 months, we would have a clear profile by now. Yet, to date, the FBI’s
attempts to profile school shooters haven’t found a determinative set of
specific traits they consider good predictors. These were ordinary men and boys
who chose out of the ordinary actions to express themselves… And there lies the
profile, “Ordinary Young Men.”

We quickly make
assumptions about the shooter being a misunderstood social outcast, victim of
bullying with untreated mental illnesses and abusive parents. The reality is
quite different. Many school shooters were honor roll students from “good”
communities and affluent two-parent homes, and many didn’t have serious
problems at school. They had friends, participated in extracurricular
activities, and lead “normal” lives. But after the fact, many left journals and
manifestos explaining how they felt wronged, how life was unfair, and how they
were pushed to do what they did.

And we begin to feel
sorry for them and our guilt kicks in. Did we really ignore the suffering of
these young men? Did we bully them into retribution? Did we ignore all the
signs of mental illness evident to cause these disasters? Is our society really
this messed up?

And then, one interesting
bit of information pops up. FBI studies show that school shooters tended to
feel an exaggerated sense of entitlement, and that they reacted negatively when
they were not treated the way they felt they were entitled to be treated. This
sense of entitlement usually promotes an expressed intolerant attitude toward
racial, ethnic, or religious minorities, as well as towards women and the LGBT
community; all groups they view as being given unfair “special treatment.” This
results in a sense of “aggrieved entitlement”, and as they view themselves as
someone who “should be” at the top of the social order, this heightens their
sense of being mistreated. When we take this into account, we begin to realize
true magnitude of the problem.

As we think of criminal
violence, we have the idea of the chaotic city, where random shootings done by
“bad guys” carrying illegal guns happen every day. This fear has led to a rise
of the “safer” homogenous community. What they have failed to realize is this
kind of community is exactly where active shooter situations happen. Almost all
school shootings happen in suburban and rural districts with multiple
seemingly random or unspecific targets. The vast majority of these events were
committed with guns purchased legally. Most of the killings were committed with
semi-automatic hand guns or assault rifles.

Many mass shootings are
motivated by revenge or envy. That’s why many take place at a school or a
workplace where shooters felt rejected. But again, to what degree is this feel a
result of an exaggerated sense of entitlement, and to what degree is it actual
rejection? These killers often exhibit risk factors that are generally tied to
criminality: a history of abusive behavior, a tendency to hurt animals, a
sadistic streak, self-centeredness, and a lack of compassion.

They plan out their
actions and research their intended target area. In around 80% of school shootings
at least one person had information that the attacker was thinking about or
planning the school attack. In nearly 2/3, more than one person had information
about the attack before it occurred. But how can this happen right under our
noses without anyone noticing? We DO notice, but we choose to look the other
way. And that’s where we have failed as a society.

The shooter may have
journals; videos which they may send out to media outlets just before the
attack or leave them accessible to the police. They may play off the notoriety
of such events, fantasying about the infamy they will receive. At its core,
these shootings are nothing more than an extreme demonstration of Trolling, an
exhibition of egotistical narcissism to challenge the ordinary lives they lead.

We tell our kids every
day just how special they are, and how proud we are of them no matter what. We
love to brag as to how we feed their need to feel accepted, loved, and cared
for, even if we don’t actually do it. We will fight any teacher who says they
aren’t good enough or insult any coach who doesn’t take them into the team. We
will sweep under the rug any problems they got into because that’s what a
parent does. We will stand and fight for them, no matter what, because it’s our
kid, and they are special and unique and the best kid around. Just like every
other kid in their neighborhood.

Some embrace this
sameness, others are eaten by it.

And we see the results of
this attitude expressed all over society. From this perspective, we can realize
how Elliot Rodger’s actions were a result of this aggrieved entitlement, and
not just his hatred towards women. We can understand where a comment like “being
sexually assaulted is a coveted status” comes from and the need to walk
around with a fully loaded high powered rifle to go and pick up a box of Oreos.
They create a disconnect with reality, where the only thing that matters is
being the center of attention. They openly want the position of martyr, because
at least as a martyr they are somebody. With all the media coverage, a school
shooting is the ultimate demonstration of this attitude.

There is a way we can fix
this situation and it’s creating a mentality of empathy, but not in the way you
think. It’s not about being empathic with the boys, but about teaching them
empathy. We need to fight the current society of self-centered narcissistic
trolls that promotes this current trend of notoriety hunting. We need to stop
worrying about the world we are leaving our children and start focusing what
kind of children we are leaving the world.

5/22/16

"If you're put on a pedestal, you're supposed to behave yourself like a pedestal type of person. Pedestals actually have a limited circumference. Not much room to move around."

Margaret Atwood

I have to admit that I’ve tried to be a trophy husband, the kind of husband that makes all of my wife’s friends envious of her. I worked hard to get the professional title and the stable life. I try to stay fit and presentable, making sure I dress to impress every time I can. I find myself trying to develop my mind as well as my body, as I strive to become a better me. Why? Because I’m aware that I married a trophy wife. Between her intelligence, presence, looks, professionalism, and tenacity, she puts to shame most women out there. As her husband, I need to be up to her level.

Yet, the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized how wrong I was.Society, specially now thanks to social media and a “participation trophy” approach, has amped up the self serving attitude of entitlement into our relationships. We stop looking at each other as gifts to be appreciated, but rather as trophies we deserve. And this creates the most amusing and confusing paradox.

We do things for our partners with the intention of being appreciated. When we aren’t, we take it out on the person we’re trying to get close too. To simplify it, think of the guy who paid for dinner and gets pissed because she likes him only as a friend or the gal who gets pissed because the man didn’t try anything after she went through all the trouble of shaving her legs. Let’s be completely honest here for a second. This mentality isn’t about doing something special, it’s about receiving a return in your investment.

When we realize this attitude is used on us, we resist through lack of expressing appreciation, as we assume that being openly thankful means we’re letting the other person know we can be “bought” with gifts or actions. This leads to an attitude of entitlement, were we not only avoid showing appreciation but instead get pissed when we don’t get what we want. We’ve started to view worthwhile partners the same way we view participation trophies; consolation prizes just for showing up.

Life doesn’t work that way. Stop seeking appreciation and stop assuming you’ll get it.

So, this leaves us in a rather interesting place. If we’re not supposed to do things to win someone over, what do we do? Do things because you want to. When we realize that someone is important to us, for who they are and what they do for us, what should we do? You let them know!

Sounds pretty simple enough, right? Then why do we complicate it so much? Because as long as we view our life, our success, and the people around us as trophies, we tend to think we earned them and it becomes about “me,” not “we.” Because we have become so self centered that putting someone else first goes against everything we’ve been taught.

It’s time to go back to basics, to clean out all the bull shit relationship indoctrination that society has placed upon us. It’s ok to make an effort on yourself to impress someone else. Just don’t do it to buy their appreciation. And it’s ok to let someone know you appreciate them and their actions. Doing so doesn’t mean you’re not selling yourself to them. It just lets them know you care for them just as much.

The horrible or beautiful truth here is you’ll probably end up with someone who’s pretty much your equal. So, if you want someone worthwhile, you’d better make yourself worthwhile. Just remember that relationships with “worthwhile” people only last when you appreciated their worth.

5/2/16

Here in Being Caballero, we spend a lot of time mentioning the importance of the warrior’s role within our society and within the person. We focus on the importance of being strong and fierce, if for nothing else, to be strong and fierce for personal development. The reality is that being a strong and fierce warrior is a necessity in your role of protecting your own; your family. And among the modern warriors who take care of their own, there is none as strong and fierce as the Warrior Mom; the Lioness.

We’ve all seen them… “That mom” who’s dug her heals in the sand and is unwilling to give an inch to life’s adversity, as she’s strengthen by her devotion to her children. She’s feared and respected by her children’s teachers, as she holds the mantle of being her kid’s greatest advocate. She’s feared and respected by her kid’s friends as even they know she will step in and “mother” them when needed. She’s feared and respected by her kid’s love interest, as she will call out and confront anyone taking advantage of them. She’s feared and respected by her own kid, as they know she will expect them to become the best version of themselves they can be. And above else, past the fear and respect, she is loved, as she has proven her devotion to her kid time and time again.

Afraid of pissing of the Dad? What makes you think that the Mom will be any less dangerous? She fears what might happen to her child, so she’s fearless. She wants her kids to be someone worth respecting, so she teaches them to be respectable by example.

As once the son of a Lioness and now husband to a Lioness, these women are the true embodiment of the woman warrior, the modern Shield Maidens. Women like these are the most impressive embodiment of motherhood, as they’re willing to do anything for their kids; even if it means putting their kids in their place. She is the impressive woman she is, not in spite of having kids, but thanks to having kids.

So Gentlemen, even if you might fancy yourself as a Lion, remember that the most dangerous member of the pride is the lioness protecting her young. Appreciate the Lionesses in your life. Appreciate the mother you had who was willing to do anything to make you a better man. And appreciate the mother of your child who’s willing to do anything needed to make your kid into a better person.

Any woman can have a child. Some mothers can raise them right. It takes a Lioness to teach them the strength needed to change the world. Be thankful of women like these in your life, as they are few and far between.

4/23/16

As a boy, I wanted to become an artist when I grew up, so I started looking into it. Every professional artist I spoke with gave me the same advice, “Learn to draw when you don’t want to.” At the time, this made no sense to me, yet as I grew older, I began to understand what it meant. The reasoning behind this tidbit of wisdom was simple. Anyone can draw when they’re inspired, when they’re in the mood, or when they have time to kill. Not everyone can draw when they’re tired, when they’re feed up with drawing, when racing a deadline, and when they have twenty other things on their mind. One is a hobby, the other a profession. “Do what you have to, not what you want to.” This was my first glimpse of true self-discipline.

As a kid, our parents told us when to go to bed, or what to eat, or how to dress, or what kind of friends we should or shouldn’t have. They forced upon us the obligation of homework and curfews. It was their role to keep us in check as they become the physical embodiment of the old roman goddess Disciplina. And as a child, we couldn’t wait till we grew up to do whatever the hell we wanted.

I would love to speak of how mistaken we should have been, but unfortunately society has become a hive of adults who lived on with that childhood delusion. We should have learned why responsible bedtimes exist, yet all night TV binge watching has proven otherwise. We should have learned why healthy eating habits exist, yet the epidemic of obesity has proven otherwise. We should have learned about the importance of responsibility, and obligations, and sharing, and charity, and kindness, and manners. The current states of affairs of this world have proven otherwise.

We live in a society that frowns upon self-control and self-restraint, so these lessons are rarely followed. If you don’t believe me, just take a look at how we react towards any comment promoting any kind self-discipline or even restraint. Greed becomes commendable when we measure success. Pride and vanity is celebrated though social media popularity. Wrath is little more than the alpha personality so prized by most motivational groups and a commendable emotion of every social justice warrior out there. Sloth and gluttony are embraced in a Binge watching society that embraces “accept me as I am” body types, were the Dad Bod becomes the norm. And lust? Just look at how easy sex sells anything.

There was a reason why the epitome of Roman “manliness” was based around the cult to the goddess Disciplina. Roman manhood, or “Virtus”, wasn’t defined by how many men you could defeat or how many women you could satisfy, but rather by how you could hold yourself back and how much control you had over yourself. It was about conquering your ego and the slavery that comes from self-gratification, as you conquered vanity, fear, pain, and self pity. The difference between a boy and a man was simple. A man had self-discipline.

Before we can even begin with lessons of character or even integrity, we need to develop our self discipline. It’s having enough self discipline to not act like an unsupervised child. We need to be our own enforcers, or own guardians. We need to learn to tell ourselves ‘No’ and keep ourselves in check.

As a grown man, you shouldn’t need to have your mother tell you what’s the right thing to do. You should already have learned that lesson. We need to learn that helping others shouldn’t be born from your mother’s request, but rather from your consciences. We need to learn that bills need to be paid before throwing away money on fanciful whims. We need to learn that has to be given respect freely but can only be received when earned. We need to leash our “basic” self through discipline and control.

4/17/16

The
measure of a man's character is what he would do if he knew he never would be
found out.

Thomas
Babington Macaulay

As of late, there has
been a rise in the amount of Men’s Empowerment and Gentlemen Motivational
groups and workshops. And this is a wonderful thing as it helps spread out the
word that character and morals are important within a man’s life. With our
casual access to social media, pages similar to this one help guide men who’ve
lost their way back in the right path. They serve as a North Star off which men
can cast their own route to becoming better men. Unfortunately, the same popularity that has
brought together men searching for ways to become better men has also attracted
plenty of lesser men with ulterior motives.

You would think that a
message of “Men of Character” or “True Gentleman” would scare off the daring of
plagiarists and hypocrites feeding their vanity through the modern social media
currency of likes, shares, and followers.
Personal experience has proven the contrary as I already mentioned once before. The problem is how as of late,
this movement has also started to attract the vultures, those unethical sites
and motivators looking to profit by exploiting the weak.

Let me make it perfectly
clear, there is nothing wrong with someone charging for sharing their
knowledge. There is nothing wrong for profiting from your own efforts. If you
work for it, you might as well get paid for it. And that’s OK. We all have
bills to pay and mouths to feed. “Monetizing” isn’t a bad word.

My problem is when I find
“Gentlemen” Coaches plagiarizing the work of other gentlemen pages and selling
it as their own. Even more amazing is the laziness of their actions, as they
will take content and graphics straight from the original site and simply crop
out the logo. You would think that selling lessons in character and integrity
would have rubbed off on the teacher.

And Gentlemen sites
aren’t the only ones affected with this practice.

You might have noticed
that as soon as you get a cool quote popping up on your social media feed,
about 10 minutes later you will see the same quote pasted on about 5 different
memes from like minded sites. Again, you would think that sites promoting
integrity would be above acts of moral turpitude, or would at the very least
understand the concept of “clean hands.”

You see, when your moral
integrity is questionable ANY words you state have no value, as you have
already been proven to be untrustworthy. Stealing someone’s intellectual
property and then sell it forward as your own pretty much invalidates any claim
you might have towards words like Character and Integrity.

Right
actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.

Tryon
Edwards

As someone who constantly
writes about men owning up to their own preconceptions and bias, I felt it
rather appropriate to own up to one of my own; one that was blown clear out of
the water a few months ago and didn’t realize it till recently. So, instead of
trying to justify my own bias, it’s time to stop making excuses and offer an open
apology to every fitness buff, gym rat, health nut, and nutritionist out there.

You guys know what you’re
talking about.

Keep in mind that I’ve
never been a full blown couch potatoes.

Let me start by admitting
where my own bias was born. I was never part of the jock clique, as I found my
passion and inspiration in the artistic and intellectual endeavors as a kid.
Sports? I was never really into them. That doesn’t mean I was out of shape, as I
practiced martial arts for most of my life, did some track back in high school,
and was an avid BMX/Freestyler for the longest time when I was a kid. But the
social faction mindset of school led me to embrace the dumb jock bias from my
youth without realizing it.

Sure, I (sort of) worked out
and tried to eat (sort of) healthy but, if I’m completely honest, it was never
really a priority (to the dismay of every doctor I went to). Life? Way too
complicated to take the time to worry about eating right all the time and to
worry about taking care of myself. If anything, my lack of health was my
testimony and proof to my dedication to what really mattered within my life. An
hour in the gym was an hour I wasn’t hustling for a project or an hour I wasn’t
doing something for the family.

How easy do we end up
telling ourselves that taking care of your body is selfish? Or even vain? Right?

So, when last Movember
rolled around, I started to participate in their Move campaign. With one simple
exception this time… As I’ve written about men’s health and the importance of
taking care of yourself, this time I took it a bit more serious. So I started
to look into doing it right.

First step? I sat down
with Ms. B who, besides being our
resident copyright enforcer, is a long time nutrition and workout enthusiast. She
could point me in the right direction, offering me an extensive selection of
tools and advice. And then something amazing started to happen. I actually
followed through on her recommendations. I started researching on every fitness
site, sat down with a nutritionist and a fitness coach. And the more I learned
and the more I discussed strategies and plans with them, the more I realized
that those “dumb jocks” weren’t dumb at all. If anything, they are made to feel
dumb by society stereotyping them.

You’re average gym rat
often has an amazing understanding of nutrition, body mechanics, and general
health. And it made perfect sense (when I took of my own blinders). If the
serious surfer has an excellent understanding of meteorology and oceanography,
why wouldn’t the serious fitness enthusiast have an excellent understanding of
everything involving making your body better?

It’s funny. We have no
problem believing a doctor when they give you a prescription for 20 different
pills, but should they tell you to take care of your body, work out, or eat
healthier to avoid taking medication, we want a second opinion and pretty much
insult the doctor’s intelligence. Long story short…I started doing things the right
way, instead of “my” way. And, to quote every single click bait article online,
“you’ll never guess what happened next!” It worked.

There is a down side to
this realization though. I had own up to every excuse, to every time I bullshitted
myself, to every dismissive comment and attitude I might have had. I stopped
making up “logical” justifications as to why they could do it and I couldn’t,
most of which involved putting them down and making me look good. I’ve realized
I’ve been somewhat of an asshole dismissing their advice all this time. Today?
I’m all out of excuses. Because the best testimony of self sacrifice I can have
towards myself and those around me is to be healthy enough to last a long time
and fit enough to make it worthwhile.

4/10/16

We’ve probably all heard
the comments, of how boys have few male role models thanks to the absentee
fathers. This is the main reason why we have today men who don’t know how to be
good men, men of character and integrity. Personally? I don’t buy it.

That would mean any man
raised by a single mom, by a dad who has to work double shifts just to make
ends meet, the sister raising her little brother, or any other combination of
alternate family would predestine the boy to grow up into a less than
worthwhile man. It also means that any
boy raised with an ever present father will automatically become a good man.
And both cases, as we’ve seen in life, are bullshit.

Do boys need a good male
role model? Absolutely! Does it HAVE to be the father? It would be nice, but
not necessarily. You see, male role models come in every single shape and size,
ever profession and every social class. Just look back at your own life. What
man showed you what it meant to be a good man? It’s might have been the sports
coach, the school teacher, the martial arts instructor, your first manager,
your counselor, your drill sergeant, or simply your next door neighbor.

Male role model and
mentors are nothing more than the man who shows you by example how to be a good
man. It’s about giving boys hope, that they can be more than they are now. It’s
about minimizing the gap between the boy they are now and the man they could be
in the future. It’s not about pointing out everything that kids today do wrong,
but about showing them what they could be if they tried to do things right.

And on the flip side,
being an example to these boys keep us in check, something we desperately need
as well. They remind us that our actions have meaning, to reconsider every time
we want to quit, to do the right thing every time we’re given options, and to
walk the path of the righteous man. Nothing keeps someone walking the straight
and narrow as knowing they make a difference in someone’s life.

You might think that
you’re not role model material, or that it’s unfair to place that kind of
responsibility and burden upon your shoulders. Guess what. You don’t really
have a choice in the matter. You’re actions will either be an example or a
justification to the actions of those who come up behind you. Realizing this
means you own up to every single action, attitude, and decision you make in
your life. No longer are you living for yourself, but rather you start living
for everyone else within society.

You want a world full of
great men? You want men to walk within a positive life? You want boys who can
make a difference? Start by being a great man, walking a positive life, and
make a difference. If you’re lucky, someone will be watching and taking notes.

Masculinity is going
through a social redefinition, as the old “Boys don’t cry” has been finally
called out and we’ve opened up our eyes to the damage we’ve caused our boys.
Phrases like toxic masculinity have become common place within our everyday
language, we’ve realized that maybe we’ve been doing future generations a
disservice by placing unhealthy expectation of the world’s men. And so have
been born the foundations of a more sensitive masculinity.

And for an instant I’m
full of hope for the next generation of men; men sensitive enough to appreciate
the world we live in, men with compassion and empathy. Unfortunately, this
isn’t what’s happening. The end result has less to do with empathy, sensitivity,
and compassion and more to do with conformity, entitlement, and selfishness.

Masculinity, like so many
other aspects within our world, has become a pendulum. To stray away from the
moral and emotional damage created by the “tough it out” mentality, we’ve
embraced the full swing of the now emotionally open “modern masculinity.” The
problem being that the pendulum has swung so far that we now have men to soft
to deal with a simple reality.

The world isn’t a nice
place and will break you if you let it.

Yes, emotional openness
is crucial for a healthy life. If you’re unable to appreciate the beauty within
our world and understand the emotional intelligence we all posses, there isn’t
much left to live for. The problem lies in the fact that we’ve moved from the
desensitized extreme to the overly sensitive extreme. We’ve taught men that
it’s ok to cry, that it’s ok to ask for help, and that the world should show
men more understanding. The problem happens when we, in fear of bringing back
the old toxic aspects of masculinity, we won’t teach them to “Man Up,” as we
teach them that their emotions matter more than dealing with life. And this
wouldn’t be an issue if we didn’t forgot to teach them that life doesn’t stop
while you cry your heart out.

Before you get all
offended, take a moment to consider the following examples:

A
boy puts out his heart for all to see, but the girl’s not interested.

A
young man about to head off to college just found out that he’s going to be a
father.

A
business man who’s given his life to his company gets fired due to financial
issues out of his control.

A
husband just found out his wife has terminal disease.

A
father is told that his child has a permanent condition that will make the rest
of their life more challenging.

A
man dealing with a divorce, with a death, with an illness, with failure, with
life in general…

These are just some of
the simple realities of life, the ones that teach you just how unfair it all
can be. You can choose to curl up in a ball and break down as you feel sorry
for yourself, or you can stand up tough, look at life straight in its eyes,
smile, and utter the most empowering words you’ll ever learn.

“Bring
it on.”

That girl who’s not
interested in you doesn’t owe you her affection, no matter how much that might
hurt. That child to be born isn’t going to stop while you decide to grow up
emotionally enough to be a dad, no matter how unprepared you might be for that
new role. That job you prioritized over your family, the one that defined who
you were, showed you that putting your faith on your job will lead to emptiness
when it’s gone no matter how much effort you put into it. And most importantly,
when life goes into a whirlwind of chaos and those around you need your
strength and support, do you really think breaking down emotionally helps in
any way? Does self pity? There will be enough time for that afterwards, when
you finish dealing with it.

It’s not that we should
go back to the emotionally castrated manhood of the past. Nor is the solution
what we’ve taught now as we’ve moved into the overly emotional drama full
manhood of today. If we want a respectable manhood, we have to create men worth
respecting. We need men who are soft enough to embrace their emotions while at
the same time strong enough to not become victims of his own heart. Strength
and sensitivity aren’t exclusionary. We need to teach boys to be tough enough
to deal with life’s challenges, and soft enough to understand that life is worth
the effort.

4/2/16

I
do what I do because it is the right thing to do. I am a warrior, and it is the
way of the warrior to fight superior odds.

Paul
Watson

If you've been reading my
posts for a while, you have noticed my constant references to having a
warrior's mindset towards life. You might think this is a rather romantic way
of looking at life, considering that professional soldiers have replaced the
warrior class of the past generations. You might even think this mentality in
some way glorifies a violent tradition and celebrates wars. Because there are
people who think this way is precisely why we must never lose the warrior
culture.

There is a distinct
difference between a soldier and a warrior. Soldiers, with all the respect that
they deserve, are employees. Their actions are determined by the chain of
command and their direction is defined by their orders. Warriors are
"self developed." Their actions are determined by their dedication to
a greater good and their direction is defined by their ideals. There are
certainly plenty soldiers who are warriors, but not all are. There are also
certainly plenty warriors who aren't soldiers, but not enough.

But what defines a
warrior? His ability to fight? No...Anyone can be taught to fight if they're
willing to learn. Warrior is something you become, not something you learn. It
comes from accepting that you must become comfortable with being uncomfortable
to make a difference. It's knowing that how you make a difference matters as
much as the goal. And it all starts with 3 simple concepts so ingrained into
their heart that they might just be fire branded on to their soul. It's about
having a purpose, having honor, and having courage.

A warrior has a purpose,
as he serves with determination because it's the right thing to do. It could be
to a moral, ideological, or even a personal cause, but whatever it is, it
serves as a source of strength to them when they have to push past their own
limits. And limits are what make warriors so powerful. Limits define how far
someone can go. To a warrior, limits are nothing more than the starting gate to
test his determination. Anything that happened before is simply a warm up.

Honor, so often dismissed
by those who don't understand it's importance or are unwilling to be honorable,
is the understanding that how you do something is as important as what you are
doing. It's about being honest to a fault, about being decent and straight
forward. It's a willingness to admit your intentions, something rare in a world
where we justify trickery and misdirection as acceptable actions when done to
our convenience. It's about openly drawing a sword when others will hide a
dagger. It's about being accountable for your actions when others look for
excuses.

And lastly, he is
courageous, not because he's fearless, but because of his acceptance to a life
of self-sacrifice. In a world that constantly promotes the ideals of
selfishness and self-preservation, the warrior is defined by his willingness to
help others, regardless of personal risk or loss. He's comfortable with the
fact that a life worth living requires self sacrifice, even if that sacrifice
is his own life. It's not that he cares little for his own safety, but rather
that he cares more for the safety of those around him.

In a world of scavengers
trying to feed of the weak and sheep unable to defend themselves, warriors
aren't just needed...they are crucial to our existence. They hold at bay the
threats that others don't see or refuse to acknowledge. They are the ones who,
not only see how precious life is, but are also willing to fight for it.

So, to my fellow
warriors, my brothers, keep your swords sharp, your sword arm strong, and your
head high. For we might be few but, when it really matters, we are more than
enough.

Shout
out to all of the women, across the world, using their brains, their strength,
their work ethic, their talent, their ‘magic’ that they were born with, that
only they possess. It may not ever bring you as much ‘attention’ or bank notes
as using your body, your sex, your tits and asses, but women like you don’t
need that kind of ‘attention.’

In
the quiet moments, you will feel something deeper than the fleeting excitement
resulting from attention; you will feel something called pride and self
respect. Keep resisting the urge to cave. You’ll never have to make silly excuses
for yourself.

Pink

Some time ago, the
internet went into a short lived “frenzy,” as internet frenzies go, as a social
media celebrity posted yet another nude picture of herself. Some people
criticized her for exploiting her looks and objectifying herself while other’s
applauded her bravery for embracing her body and being empowered by her
sexuality. If I’m completely honest, I couldn’t have care less about the entire
affair. It’s her life, her body, and her choices. Besides, I have better things
to do with my time and if I’m even more honest, the modern definition of
“bravery” still seems to elude me. That’s till I heard the phrase “role model
for young girls” being thrown around, and I was appalled.

You may notice how I try
to steer away from discussions that in any way tell women how to act or behave.
I leave that kind of discussions about women and their issues to those who know
more about them than I do, specifically women. But when we use terms like role
models to young girls, there are plenty of fathers who need to realize the very
real danger of this kind of debate. Those who have daughters need to see what society
defines as applaudable behavior to women. Those who have sons need to see how
society defines as worth while women.

And just as the modern
definition of “bravery” seems to elude me, the definition of “role model” seems
to elude so many within our society. At its simplest form, a role model is
someone you try to emulate, as they represent the standard you want to achieve.
They are the example of what you can become. So when we say that this woman is
a role model for young girls, you are saying that young girls should emulate
(read as copy) her actions. And I might here you saying that nobody can tell
girls what to do with their body, as doing so would be body shaming or just
plain sexist.

That’s great and all if
you also took the time to tell girls (and boys) the legal consequences of
taking half naked pictures of themselves! A naked pic of anyone under 18 is
basically child pornography. That means anyone taking the pic, even if it’s of
themselves is manufacturing child pornography from a criminal perspective. And
yes…Child, under the definition of the law is anyone under 18 years of age. So
that 16 year old girl taking a topless pic of herself or that 17 year old boy
taking a dick pic is in fact producing Child pornography. And to those unaware
of the legal consequences, this is a first degree crime; you know..
with a penalty comparable to premeditated murder.

And it gets even more
interesting from there.

Having a questionable
picture of a minor (even if it’s of yourself) in your phone constitutes possession
of Child pornography (5 years in prison) while forwarding it (or posting it
online) constitutes distribution (10 years in prison). Sending a nude pic to a
minor (again, younger than 18) is exposing them to pornography and “corrupting
influences,” each location having their own selection of criminal penalties. FB
and Instagram banning nipple shots has nothing to do with slut shaming and
everything to do with legal regulations.

The problem here is that
parents want to believe that our teens are old enough to handle themselves,
something our teens try to convince us about constantly. It’s that or parents
don’t want to assume their obligation as parents. Pick which ever you want, the
criminal system doesn’t really care. The legal system defines a child in the
simplest way possible. Under 18? You’re problem, mom and dad. Oh, by the way,
Social Services wants to sit down with you and chat about the kind of household
you have.

Its funny how during the
entire debate of whether a person can be empowered by posting their body all
over the internet and how we should respect her as a role model, not once did
anyone explain to young girls and boys what would happen if they did the same.
Any picture with any kind of questionable content that gets posted, forwarded,
or unwittingly uploaded to a cloud will last for eternity and will resurface when
they can cause the most damage to a person. Ironically, this was something the
celebrity mentioned she deals with every time her sex tape resurfaces, yet not
once did she tell her younger followers to not do.

You don’t want something
to resurface? Start by not posting it.

You might think that I’m
exaggerating the repercussions, as this kind of behavior is so common place nowadays.
The reality is that the laws haven’t yet caught up with social media and phone
trends. Sure, courts might be lenient if they understand that this was a dumb
kid making a dumb mistake. Other times they might not and make an example of
the youth.

That doesn’t get us, as
parents, off the hook for not teaching our kids the consequences of their
actions, online and offline. We need to understand that even if it’s their
phone, it’s our legal responsibility how they use it. We need to be more
selective on who we assign the label of role model. Most importantly, it’s our
job to teach our kids that if they ever want respect, they first have to
respect themselves.

We’ve all dealt with
challenges and difficulties. We’ve grown and become better men for it. We start
down the path of transforming into better men, proud of what we’ve overcome and
who we’ve become. Yet, more often than not, we find ourselves falling into old
habits and old attitudes, into the same places that caused us, and those around
us, so much damage. So, if we know full well why we moved beyond this mentality
once already, why do we return to it again? The answer is rather simple. It’s
because that’s our QUERENCIA.

Querencia is that place
where you feel safe, were you can lower your guard as you feel at home. It’s
were we draw our strength and return to refocus, as it’s were we learned to
grow strong. This might sound like a good place, but consider the following.

In a bullfight, querencia
is where the bull will naturally go to in the ring. As the fight goes on, he
will define a space within the arena as his home turf, returning to it with
every pass, as he feels it’s his safe zone. The problem arises when the matador
is able to identify the bull’s querencia, turning the bull’s actions into
predicable. And at the end, the bull’s downfall happens because the bull always
returns to what’s familiar to him instead of trying something new. He’s killed
because he fell prey to his own comfort zone.

In life, more often than
not, we’re not the bullfighter but rather the bull. We might be strong and
imposing, but all too predictable. We charge full tilt into the cape, not
realizing that the real danger comes from the one holding the cape. He get
blinded by our own experiences, as we assume that any problem can be handled
with a head on charge, as we’ve become confident in our own strength and
toughness.

Sure, we’ll try something
new every once in a while. And we’ll see the positive results from it. The true
threat happens when, if we’re not careful, we’ll return to our old habits as we
stop trying to fight, as we simple react. We hand over control of our lives to old
habit as soon as we stop thinking and fighting. That’s going to get you killed.

So, how do you get past
it?

You can start by getting
rid of all the enablers you have around you. That couch where you would waste
your days, that bar where you would head over every time you felt helpless,
that friend who kept you from moving forward, or old relationship you seem to
never get past. All those things were never safe harbor but rather an anchor in
your life. Learn to break free from their chains.

After you free yourself
from the old you, create and evolve a new querencia to go along with your new
life. I’m not saying you should forget where you came from, but understand that
you are no longer that person. Let go of old habits and reactions. Be aware of
them and be able to recognize them when they creep up on you. Repeating old
mistakes rarely teach you new lessons.

4/1/16

Again,
the wordsmith Luke Davis graces us with another of his posts. I leave you now
with “The Craftsman and His Apprentice.”

As an apprentice Jim was given the job of making bread boards, knife blocks
and other simple household knickknacks. The complicated work of course was done
by Simon who did the chairs and cabinets and other ornate work. Every Saturday
on market day, Jim’s work would be put outside for sale while the ornate work
was reserved for inside. Every week nearly all of Jim’s goods would sell while
only very rarely did Simon’s, but when they did they sold for quite a large sum
of money. This bothered Jim a little.

Firstly, he always worried about his work, he was only a new apprentice and
his products lacked the finesse that Simon could have done. Every Saturday he
fretted over every flaw that people might see in his goods and resolved to do a
better job next week. Secondly, he wondered why Simon put the worst goods,
Jim’s, out on display where everyone could see while he hid his finest quality
work inside the shop. Surely Simon would make a greater profit with his best
material forward.

So one day Jim asked Simon about his worries, why did Simon do things this
way? Of course Simon answered. “I have my finest work on display, every week my
customers walk by and they can see what sort of man I am crafting. If I
couldn’t craft a man I would merely be a carpenter and of no use in this town.
Furniture they can buy in yonder city, but only men like me can take a boy like
you and turn him into a man. So when I judge you ready, a craftsman you shall
be, and together we will craft more men. Parents will seek us out hoping to place
their sons at our door because every week for longest of times they have seen
my finest work.”

3/26/16

Experience
is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first and the lesson
afterward.

Oscar
Wilde

As I look back at my
youth, I usually end up with the same conclusion: “the fact that I survived
into adulthood is amazing.” Regrets? I’m not sure I would call them regrets.
All the foolish mistakes, wild adventures, and dumb decision I made growing up
made me into the man I am today. If I’m completely honest, whatever wisdom I
have now at this age is thanks to having been foolish during my youth. And then
I look upon today’s youth and become saddened, not because of how they are, but
rather because of how we are as parents.

My youth was made up off
broken bones and a heart broken enough times to fill a Victorian library. It
was made up of scars, physical and psychological, and enough secrets kept from
the authority figures around me that I would have made any Italian Mobster
proud. I learned that the world could be beautiful and devastating, uplifting
and unforgiving, all at the same time. I took enough risks to believe myself
invincible, yet the simplest things like walking up to a cute girl were
terrifying. And it was all glorious, or at least as glorious as a tragic
accident where the people involved survived could be.

It taught me that unknown
roads lead to adventures, and adventures lead to unbelievable stories. It
taught me that the only way I would to be heard was to speak up. It taught me
that risk sometimes pans out while other times it meant getting hurt. And it
taught me that with enough time, you can get over getting hurt. Scars meant
bragging rights, respect can be earned by standing up for yourself, and knowing
how to keep a secret forged loyalties.

Then I look at myself as
a parent, as I know that my kids are now learning all those same lessons, and I
find myself dealing with the personal terror of “letting go of the bike even if
it means your kid falls down.”We tend
want to keep our kids safe, take on the world’s horrors and dangers for them.
We want to keep them safe while at the same time provide them the best tools
for them to make something out of themselves. But are we really providing them
the best tools when we never let them learn how to use these tools? No matter
how many times my martial arts maestro told me to keep my guard up, I never
really did it till after I got hit… hard… several times… on the face.

People don’t learn by
being told what to do, but rather by being allowed to do.They’ll learn even when they fail. This is
especially true when they also learn what can go wrong by not doing. The lessons
you learn best are usually the one that cost you. Yet we constantly try to keep
our kids from learning that way, in a misguided sense of parental protection.

You can’t complain about
a man who doesn’t know how to basic car maintenance, when you bought him a new
car when he was 16. You can’t complain about a man who doesn’t know how to keep
up a house if you never asked him to even take care of his room. You can’t complain
about a man who’s entitled if you constantly keep bailing him out of trouble. We
can’t really complain about men who can’t handle life’s challenges without
calling out a parent who never let the kid face challenges by himself.

So, what can you do to
prepare your kid for a stern world? All you can do is mentor them and become an
example for them to emulate. All you can do is provide them with the tools they
might need along their way. And at the end, all you can do is really hope it
was enough and pray for the best while trying to be emotionally ready to let
them learn from their mistakes.

3/22/16

A few days ago, a video popped up
within my media feed, an editorial closing, posing a question that keeps
popping up, especially from the lips of women; “Have men become too soft?”

The presenter mentioned several
causes for the rise of these “soft” men. Was it the wussification of men, as so
many want to allege? Maybe everything would be solved if we could just get men
to toughen up. Was it the demonization of masculinity so badly that being a man
is now shameful? Maybe everything would be solved if men would start being
proud of being manly. I don’t think either attitude will solve the issue.

At the end, she did mention what
could be the key cause and actual solution to the problem. “Teach your sons to
be men, because the women of the world are tired of the boys.” The problem was
that for the longest time, society was in such a hurry to make men out of boys,
that we never taught boys how to be men.

Consider that for the last couple of
decades, men were told that their value as men rested on being better than
other men. It rested on having financial stability through a good job; proven
to the world through an expensive car and a nice house. It rested on how many
women they can sleep. It rested in being able to get a beautiful wife when they
finally decided to settled down. Then, it’s rested on having a family they can
show off. Just consider at how we portray politicians and successful men. They
stand proudly as their wife and kids become decoration around them, as proof of
their stability. In the backdrop, we see either their homes or cars as prove of
their wealth. The entirety of this kind of manhood rested on such a fragile
foundation made up of external factors that even the most simplest of things caused
their world to tumble down. This lead too many men into feel a sense of
obsoleteness as soon as life threw them a curve ball.

If someone faster or stronger than
him shows up, he’s no longer a man. If he became unemployed and loses his
financial stability, he he’s no longer a man. If he gets shot down by a woman,
he’s no longer a man. If his kids didn’t measure up to his expectations, he’s
no longer a man. When you think about it, under this mentality, those things
that “make him a man,” are also the biggest threat to his ideal of manhood.
Unemployment, failure, divorce, “disappointing kids,” or simply being told “no”
by a woman become a direct assault on their masculinity.

As a response to this attitude, we demonized
manhood, or at least what was sold to us as manhood for the last few decades.
Society went off chanting the damage these expectations placed on men, as we
blamed everything on toxic masculinity. We did our best to swing the pendulum of
manhood as far away as possible from the old traditions. And as the pendulum started to sway away from
this previous mindset, we began to praise any man who did things previously
considered manly, followed up by shaming any man who expressed interest in any
form of traditional masculinity. It was as if to avoid being a slave to
masculinity, we now became slaves to “anti-masculinity.” Social media became
flooded with men screaming “look at how sensitive I am” as if it proved to the
world how they broke free from the bonds of manhood. At the same time, chivalry,
and any other idea traditionally tied to masculinity, was shamed as sexist, at
best, or toxic, at worse.

And then, slowly but surely, it
happened.

We realized that we almost killed
off what made men valuable within society and what made men of value. If before
we taught men to be ethically infant brutes, now we created ethically infant
milksops. We told men that the old traditions of honor and chivalry were
harmful, and then wonder why men today feel like they have no purpose. We
ridiculed the importance of honor, and wonder why we have men without loyalty.
We demonized strength and wonder why men today have no valor. We, pretty much,
castrated men as we told them how masculinity was bad, and then wonder where
all the “real men” are.

In our haste to make men out of
boys, we failed them twice. The first time, we failed them by creating brutes
without humility, as we forgot to teach them character every time we taught
them the value of strength. Then, in our attempt to fix it, we created sensitive
men who were little more than useless as soon they faced a challenge. We forgot
to teach them the value of determination and valor when we taught them about
compassion. As some men grew disenchanted with society constantly telling them
what it means to be a man, we’re now having to deal with a third group; men who
are brutes in times of peace yet cowards in times of conflict, the worst of
both worlds.

But fortunately, all is not lost.

Just as there has been a rise in
true Strong Independent Women, men have been developing our own counterpart. We
are witnessing a rise in men who’ve taken it upon themselves to bring back the
old lessons personal character, to teach themselves how to be better men. These
men realized that the problem wasn’t masculinity but rather everything that was
edited out of masculinity. The solution didn’t lie in dismissing the lessons
learned from the past, but rather taking the best lessons from the past while
embracing the world of the present. Instead of ending up with the worst of both
worlds, we began to strive for the best of both worlds.

In this process, men have begun to
realize what manhood truly meant. It’s not about proving you’re better than
other men, but about striving to be better than the man you were before. It’s
about being able to stand before a challenge and push yourself. It’s not about
making money, but about making a difference. It’s not about having a job, but
about having the work ethic to get things done. It’s not about owning a house or
having a wife and family. It’s about making a home, being a good husband and an
involved dad.

Men have realized that it’s you
should never become either a brute or a meek man exclusively. Instead, we are
now seeing men who used to be brutes, yet strive to find their compassion and humility.
We see men who used to be meek developing their determination and being
empowered by the strength that comes from valor. It’s about growing stronger
AND softer, and yet never compromising either. These men have taught themselves
these lessons, and more importantly, are teaching these lessons to the next
generation of men. And for the first time in a long time, we are seeing a
rebirth of mentorship, as society is finally waking up to the importance of men
becoming proper role models for boys, as they teach through example.

For now, we are few, but every day
we are more. We are the modern Lancelots and Galahads, the new errant knights,
who realized that we could be more than what society sold to us as manhood. We
are the new philosophers, poets, and the warriors, as we try to bring back
honor by reforging masculinity. We are the new Gentlemen of the Modern World.

And to the ladies having a hard time
finding us, the worthwhile men … If it’s any consolation, men are having just a
hard time trying to find the worthwhile ladies as well. Quality isn’t that common.

We
always sort of flinch at this ‘bromance’ buzzword that’s come up… because of
this homosexual terror that straight guys have. It’s ridiculous.

Simon Pegg

Society tends to form bonds through
the act of casting aside anyone who thinks or acts differently than what’s
“acceptable.” They will feel empowered by vulturing together, as they pray on
anyone deemed as deserving shame; breading an “Us vs. Them” mentality, where
“Us” is always right. We can see this behavior within most social groups, as
power is maintained through the constant threat of social ridicule. Just look
back at you’re school years, were the popular kids would gang up on the
outcasts as a show of force. This has taught people to hide behind mock
strength or to gravitate to cliques in a desperate need to find protection in
numbers. This also taught people that the easiest way to keep everyone in line
was through open shaming.

We’re more familiar with this
concept when we view what girls have to deal with growing up. In their case, the
behavior of girls is dominated through slut shaming by both boys and other
girls. They are told how to act, how to speak, how to dress, and even what to
think under the threat of being called a slut, irrelevant of how sexually
active they actually are. But this doesn’t work the same way with boys, right?
Boys can’t be shamed with anything sexual.

Although I previously wrote on how
men ARE slut shamed, the reality of peer pressure among boys comes from a
different word, even though it’s still about sex. Among boys, the biggest
social threat isn’t if they’re “sluts,” or even if they’re weak. The peer
pressure comes from questioning their sexuality with a very different perspective.
They use the word “Gay,” as it assumes the notion that being gay is being less
of a man.

“Gay” becomes an adjective used to
shame boys into going along with the group. A boy has a best friend with whom
they spend all their free time with, or could even call up for help to stand up
to others? They must be gay. A boy cries? He must be gay. A boy says something
nice about how another boy looks? He must be gay. A boy takes care of his
appearance? Plays with dolls? Reads poetry? Get good grades? Likes theater? Or
art? Or even music? The universal put down answer to all these things? Gay.

Before we rally behind the notion of
how it’s boys hurt other boys, how the patriarchy and our male dominated sexist
society is the one hurting men, keep in mind how girls will do the exact same
thing to boys. A girl doesn’t receive the attention she wants from a boy? It
must be that he’s gay. Rejected by a boy? It must be because he’s gay. If he
likes to spend more time with his male best friend than her? He has to be gay,
because that’s the only reason why he’d choose his friends over her. Doesn’t want
to sleep with her? Obviously gay. Questioning a boy’s sexuality becomes a simple
way some girls go on to control them. If he asks for her emotional support or
calls her out for being abusive? Has to be because he’s gay, because a real man
would be able to put up with her.

As a way to keep boys and latter on
men in check, society ends up preying off the same insecurities that was bashed
into their brains, as we created the need to prove their “Straightness” and an ingrained
into their mind the “Homosexual Terror” (the fear of being viewed as gay). This
has lead to some of men to be unable to handle their own sexuality in the cases
of actually being gay. It also has a lasting damaging effect on straight men,
as it creates a subconscious fear being viewed as gay, as they feel the need to
prove just how straight they are. We see it in the constant need to validate
their masculinity through signs of strength or sexual prowess. Some people
might accuse these men of being homophobic, but the reality is quite different.
These men know how society (both men and women) treats anyone viewed as a
“lesser man” and are constantly told that gays are lesser men. (Read as “Be a
Real Man”)

And before you assume that society
had been moving into a more inclusive and accepting mindset as we become more accepting
of gays, that we’ve moved into a less homophobic culture, the only thing we’ve
done is to move into a more politically correct embrace of men’s sexuality. We
still give an overwhelming importance to a man’s sexuality, as if it being gay
or straight defines his manhood. We still make the constant sexual innuendoes
of a couple of men being close friends. You see it with every famous on screen
bromance, as suddenly the internet becomes full of fan fiction gay erotica
about them. Any male celebrity who takes care of his appearance or is sensitive
or emotionally open, the gay rumor mills will run on overdrive.

Fortunately, some men are actually
starting to take a stand against this attitude. During an interview, Tom Hardy
was faced with this kind of issue. The reporter kept throwing several innuendos
about the possibility of him having a homosexual experience in his past. Mr.
Hardy, with the sternest expression possible, bluntly shut down the situation
with a two simple questions.

“Are you asking about my sexuality?”

“Why?”

The interviewer could do little more
than change the subject, as trying to follow up on it would expose the notion
that the actor’s sexuality defines the man’s masculinity. Do you know why Mr. Hardy’s
confrontation of that type of question and that type of attitude was so
important? Because his sexual experiences are NOBODY’S FUCKING PROBLEM. It
won’t make him a better or worse actor, nor will it make him a better or worse
man. And yet social media is obsessed in defining who is gay and who isn’t. We,
as a society, need to change this. And we, as men, need to stop playing the “of
course I’m not gay” game.

You’re Gay? Fine. You’re Bi? Fine.
You’re Straight? Fine. Your sexuality should only matter to YOU. (and your
partner, obviously) Who cares what others think? Placing your value as a man on
who you’d rather aim your penis is a pretty superficial way to define yourself
as a man. Most men understand that their sexuality doesn’t make them more or less
of a man. Letting your actions be dominated by someone else’s opinion of your
sexuality makes even less sense.

How can we stop playing that game?
For starters, by not ostracizing anyone because of their sexual orientation. Stop
putting so much stock on whether they’re gay or not. “Oh, but if they’re gay,
they’ll hit on me!” has to be the dumbest reason to shun someone off. . That’s
like saying you won’t be friends with a girl you don’t want to sleep with,
simply because she might hit possibly on you at some time in the imaginary
future. If anything, you should feel flattered if he hits on you.

From there, don’t let the idea of
being called gay stop you…

Don’t let it stop you from telling your
male friends how important they are in your life. The fact that they’re guys
should never stop you. Keep in mind that adding “in a hetero way” is you pretty
much admitting how you’re still being a slave to social shaming. On a side
note, saying “I love you” when you’re drunk doesn’t count. Most people that
need to be drunk to say “I love you” are the same people who say “I love you”
to whatever bartender gave them a drink after last call.

Don’t let the idea of being called
gay stop you from pursuing your dreams and passions. You love dance? Dance
away. You like painting? Unleash yourself on a canvas. Music? Acting? Macramé?
More power to you! At least you have a dream, a passion, and a purpose to
pursue; which is a lot more than what most people have. Just make sure you have
the dedication and talent to back it up.

Don’t let the idea of being called
gay define how you present yourself to the world. Have no shame in being as eloquent
or elegant as you want to. Last time I checked, your sexuality had nothing to
do with how you dress, what your grooming habits are, or how you speak. Swearing
while wearing a run down tee-shirt and sweats don’t make you any more straight.
Neither does having proper diction while wearing nice shirt or pressed slacks
make you gay.

If we want to move past this
mentality, we need to move away from giving such an important role within our
society to men’s sexuality. We need to stop feeding the trolls by assuming that
men are defined by where they point their penis. We need to stop viewing men as
slaves their dicks. Maybe if we stop telling men that they have no self control
or that they need to prove to everyone their sexuality, men can show us that
they are more than we give them credit for.

PS.

I
don’t want anyone to think that with this post I am excusing homophobia, or in
any way denying it. Homophobia is real. There are people (men and women) who
still discriminate against others based on their sexual orientation. This
article should in no way make you think that we, as a society, are past it.

If
you’re a guy who think being gay makes anyone less of a man, let me just tell
you one thing. Gay men have accepted their sexuality in a world where closed
minded bigots like you still exist. That alone proves they have bigger balls
than you.

Club Men

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