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Real World 101: Watch out for the comparison game

Las Cruces Sun-News

Posted:
09/13/2013 12:20:13 AM MDT

Every morning before work, I sit down at our kitchen table, Puppy at my feet, and I catch up on the news of the world. First, I visit my favorite news sites (NBC, New York Times and the Las Cruces Sun-News). Then, I visit my favorite friend sites (Facebook, Instagram and Twitter). But lately, I've noticed that my news sites are trickling into my friend sites as more and more studies are approaching the link between social media and depression, particularly Facebook.

The social comparison theory, an idea that may be coming to light much more significantly for twenty-somethings like myself, tells us that we look to others to decide if what we are doing is good enough. Without standards and benchmarks, like being able to receive an A in picking the right job or saving money, it can be difficult to measure our own successes since many of us are very hard on ourselves and our accomplishments.

Facebook and Instragram are great ways to keep up with friends and family across the globe, but it also offers a subconscious way to compare ourselves to our peers. When friends get great new jobs or big raises, I'm always happy for them, but a little voice inside of me wonders if I'm falling behind, if I should have had two or three more promotions in my three years at my company. When a high school acquaintance moves into a 3,500 square foot house with her husband, I'm left questioning if I'm making enough money, or if I am saving enough of my income for the future, for our first home together. When friends post photos on Instragram about their latest vacations, I wonder if I'm being too boring by not taking more big trips and enjoying more time on the beach like them.

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When people post about their exciting nights out in Las Vegas on Saturday nights, when I'm watching television with Husband, it is easy to look at my life and question if my life is too boring. As happy as I am for everyone, that intense, immediate life comparison makes my heart thud a little in panic. Am I doing enough? Am I traveling, cooking, earning, learning, growing, helping, being enough?

Just like comparing our bodies to supermodels on magazine covers or to our favorite sports athletes can make us feel bad about our bodies, comparing our lives to someone else's is equally detrimental to our mental health. But it can be hard to take Facebook at face value when the best parts of everyone's lives are out on display and for easy comparison.

Husband doesn't have any social media accounts, not even Facebook, so he doesn't feel any of the same pressures I do. He is happy with our progress in life and tells me constantly how proud he is of me. But when I mentioned going to graduate school to get a Master's degree, he said something surprising: "I will absolutely support you in graduate school and I think you'll be great at it," he said, "but I don't want you to go if you are only going to keep up with what you think you should be doing, or where you think you should be in life."

That made me step back and really think about the future. I've always wanted to go to graduate school, just as I've always known I was going to college to get an undergraduate degree. Both of my parents have post-undergraduate studies (through extra school or a graduate degree), and my sister is one year away from her law degree. But this was the first time I ever stopped to think about whether I was going because I wanted to learn more, because I wanted to advance my own knowledge about my field, or if I had planned to go just because I thought it was expected of me.

After careful thought, I found that I am excited for graduate school and, someday, whether now or in the future, I will love to study journalism, English or creative writing to help me advance in my field. But I'm happy to find that I really want to pursue a degree, not just because I think I should, and not just because I'm trying to keep up with my successful friends on Facebook. It's easy to look at our own lives and wonder why we aren't as rich/successful/thin/smart/educated as some of our peers, but it is important to look at our own lives and recognize our own successes, whether it is school, a great job, great kids or a field that in which we are excited to be involved. What we post on Facebook is not the whole story, and is not a measure of our success. Only we can decide how to measure our own successes.

Jenna Candelaria is a freelance writer and graduate of New Mexico State University. In this biweekly column, Jenna will be sharing her experiences as a new wife, employee and member of the Millennial Generation. She may be reached at jenna.candelaria@gmail.com.