Question

How can I convince my mother-in-law that safety is more important than saving money when it comes to buying baby stuff?

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My well-meaning but cheap mother-in-law buys used baby furniture and toys from garage sales and other secondhand stores for our baby-to-be. This wouldn't be a problem, except she never bothers to check whether the items have been recalled for safety reasons, or pose safety hazards due to wear and tear. She recently picked up an old play yard, even though almost all of these yards have been recalled because they can collapse and suffocate a baby. How can I convince her that safety is more important than frugality?

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I am glad to hear I am not alone. I actually have a wonderful MIL. It's the step-MIL that I battle with. She is beyond cheap. The step-MIL has plenty of money, but only spends it on herself and her bio-child. My husband is her step-child and she makes sure he gets basically nothing from his dad. His step-MIL doesn't even work, she just uses his dad. Anyways, with my first two she was constantly bring my kids trash. Her sister runs a daycare and anytime they were going to throw something out she would bring it to my kids as if she was so wonderful. I got so frustrated with all the broken and dirty toys. One time she brought my 2 year old a riding car with the wheel broken off and it totally crushed her that she couldn't ride it. Now I am expecting my 3rd child and I told my husband I am no longer playing nice. I am sick of her. I told him to put her on notice unless it is brand new, we don't want it. I have nothing against used stuff, but after putting up with her for 5 years I am done.

Okay, first let me say that I am all about safety. If something has been recalled, obviously you should not use it. However, I wish more people were open to the idea of using "gently used" baby items, providing they are in good condition and safe. Just because something is "used" does not necessarily mean it is unsafe. In fact, purchasing used items can save a lot of money without compromising safety. It blows my mind how much people will spend on brand new baby items that the baby will use for two weeks before outgrowing it. Do your research on an item before buying, certainly, but don't turn up your nose at a good item just because someone else used it for their child for three months.

I haven't yet encountered this situation but I am due in two months. In our area they have "grandparents class" that is just a one time class meant to teach your parents/grandparents about the changes in parenting over the past decades and give reasons as to why old practices are no longer safe. It's given through the local hospital by the doctors/nurses in the OB department. I would look to see if your area has something like that - this way you have backup and they have an explanation for why you choose to parent follwing the "new" safety guidelines.

It seems like after you let people know that you are expecting, everyone wants to give you their hand me downs to save you money. I had this happen. Several people have offered to give me cribs with soft mattresses, drop side cribs and hand me down everything. While I appreciate the offer, I want to be sure my baby is safe as well. I tell them that I would like to look at the item before I make a commitment to it, so I can make sure it's safe. I actually had a friend get offended that I didn't want to use the crib that was built by his father and 27 years old! My baby's safety is very important to me, and I just let them know that. Chances are, most people will understand.

I know this is an old thread but I thought I would add in my two cents. I have had to put my foot down with my MIL on things like toys saved from when my husband was a child. The one that finally convinced her was when she gave my daughter a stuffed toy that was filled with walnut shells. I guess there is a reason the tags now say filled with all new materials. (BTW my daughter is allergic to peanuts and we were lucky that she is not allergic to walnuts.)

The question asked is "how can I convince MIL that safety is more important that frugality...." but really, that's not the issue (most likely she feels the grandchild's safety is very important - she just has a different view of what's safe). Instead, MIL needs to be convinced that she needs to honor her grandchild's parents' wishes. Period. That's the real issue at hand, so start there.

My MIL wanted to do the same thing - purchase a crib from the swap meet to use at her house.. I made sure my husband let her know there would be no such thing going on .. lol.. she will be watching our baby 2 days a week but it will be at our house.. I spent extra money on organic, firm, SIDS-safe mattresses, organic waterproof pads, plus organic sheets for both the crib AND the cradle that will be in our room for the first few months. I am not about to do the same for a 3rd crib at her house just to watch the baby 2 times a week when she lives across the street from us and can watch her just fine here!

So google the items if you can. If there are recalls, let her know. If there are none that you can find, then use it! You could just mention to her that major purchases like X and Y you want to buy new so you are better informed of any recalls that would occur. My Mom and Dad have a car seat that was given to them for our son. We googled the seat and found no recalls, therefore we intend on using it. If it was a recall we'd let them know.

I have this problem, but its with my SIL! When my 3yr old was born, I asked to borrow her pack-n-play , her son was 5 so its not like it was being used! Instead she went and bought one from a yard sale that was about 10 yrs old and covered in stains. When my MIL asked about why we bought one on sale at a store because SIL had bought one I just had to tell her that it was covered in all kinds of stains and couldn't be cleaned, I told her that its very common for people to keep puppies and animals in those things and since it couldn't be cleaned I really didnt feel comfortable having my son in it. She totally understood to my surprise! It goes on and on with this SIL , she has some SERIOUS attachment issues with her kid's old stuff. Here recently, she brought a toy over to my MIL's house for my son, I had seen the toy in her son's room so I assumed it was that toy...especially since it's on a 3 yr old's level and hers is 8! No, it was the same toy from the school she worked at!

I saw someone listed our website earlier, www.kidsindanger.org -- there is lots of safety information there. But because so many grandmothers are helping with the care of their grandchildren or as this poster shows, buying products, we have a special program and brochure for grandparents, http://www.kidsindanger.org/programs/hcpop/Debby_Sayah.asp and the brochure: http://www.kidsindanger.org/publications/brochures/Grandparent_Brochure_2010.pdf. Hope this helps!

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