Why INFJs Hate Their Own Birthday

Celebrating our own birthday can be extremely difficult for an INFJ. I should know, since I always dreaded my INFJ birthday, even though I love when the people I cherish remember it. I know that birthdays can be really hard for a lot of INFJs, even to the point of avoiding the celebration completely. So the question is, why?

Why INFJs dislike their own birthday

I mentioned once that I don’t believe in saving affection for certain dates. We have an entire year to do that. But there’s something different about birthdays in the eyes of an INFJ.

The main reason why the majority of INFJs dislike their own birthday is because we believe that we don’t deserve to be celebrated. Think about it as if you are receiving a medal. You are at a podium receiving a gold medal for a well-deserved victory. And yet, you feel an inner heaviness, so you think to yourself: “That other guy deserves it more than me” and “I don’t deserve this”.

A huge party is a bad idea

I don’t recommend celebrating your INFJ birthday by throwing a huge party. The very mention of this makes my skin crawl. It’s important that you acknowledge this beautiful date from within. A big party won’t do the trick, not for us.

An INFJ would rather stay in the background and let someone else take the spotlight. Even for our own birthday. For the INFJ personality, ego is an unknown word. Deep down inside, we want to be acknowledged from the ones we love, but we also feel as if we are letting them down all the time.

INFJs often believe that we’re not good enough. Hell, even I sometimes think I can do much more, and that my efforts are insufficient. Especially on our birthdays, INFJs think that we’re not worthy of all that attention. Guilt appears, and then self-doubt and self-sabotage arrive shortly thereafter. INFJs are walking paradoxes, and even during our birthday celebration, we will seek ways to sabotage ourselves.

How I see my INFJ Birthday

For as long as I can remember, my birthday made me feel anxious. All the attention, singing, and relative visits overwhelmed me. While growing up, birthdays were the stuff of nightmares for me. However, all that changed when I discovered that I’m an INFJ. Celebrating that special day knowing that I’m an INFJ gave me a completely new perspective.

I started loving the day when I was born, because deep within it felt good to be me. I started seeing my INFJ birthday as a happy event, which made me feel fulfilled instead of anxious. I was acknowledged and recognized.

When the people who matter the most tell you their birthday wishes, it sounds like beautiful music to our ears, because we know they mean it. The main strength of our personality comes from within, but hearing that there’s someone who cares is like winning the lottery twice in a row for an INFJ.

This year, my friend called me on my birthday, and I knew that she was going through a difficult time. Yet she still called and made me smile from ear to ear. These are the kind of moments that remain embedded into the mind of an INFJ. But please know, even if no one remembers your special day, that’s okay, because that doesn’t make it any less special.

Speaking of specials, here’s a small bonus I want to give you. I’ve decided to share with you several pros and cons for why INFJs should, or perhaps shouldn’t, celebrate their own birthday.

Pros:

Receiving confirmation that you are worthy, cared for, and that you are enough.

A chocolate cake or ice cream sounds nice doesn’t it? 😉

A rare INFJ butterfly was born on this day, and that event is worth celebrating.

Cons:

Feeling overwhelmed by the spotlight, attention, and crowded parties.

A negative event that happened in the past which is connected with the date itself.

A desire to spend the day alone, but feeling the external pressure of “you should go out”.

Whether you decide to celebrate your INFJ birthday or not, make it your own choice. Don’t let anyone tell you how you should spend that day. You are now probably asking yourself: “Should I treat it as …

A special day or a day like any other?

Even if you are alone in your room dancing to an Irish tune and wearing a leprechaun hat (what I did lol), take a minute to honor your INFJ birthday. Celebrate the day when this Earth became richer. Your birth made it a better place to be. A healer and a protector was born, an INFJ. Even if only one person calls and congratulates you, it’s enough.

Believe it or not, the day when you were born is a time of joy. Despite all the wrong that we see today, all the pain and sorrow, there was this moment when a wonderful person graced this world by her or his presence. You came into existence with a mission to heal and share that much needed goodness. I believe that’s something worth celebrating, don’t you think? 😉

How to Celebrate INFJ Birthdays

This Tuesday (June 4th), Michaela and I are doing a brand new INFJam on 6 INFJ friendly ways to celebrate your birthday.

Note from Michaela: It’s also your chance to wish Marko a happy 30th and party like an INFJ! 😉

Hello Marko,
Thank you for your insights. I am an ENFP. Strangely enough as a middle child and ENFP, I have felt the same sort of resentment for asking people to celebrate me. It always seemed disingenuous. My grandma and I share the same birthday. It always seemed too automatic. I didn’t feel like I wanted people to feel obligated so I intentionally scheduled work on my birthday for years.(16-23) I am deeply captivated by a young woman(INFJ). I already see the importance of telling her all the time how special and appreciated she is. Still thinking of birthday ideas.(Nov. 2nd)

You are most welcome, Benjamin! I fully understand you, a lot of INFJs simply don’t like their birthday for numerous reasons, but there also those who do. 🙂 That;s really nice of you to tell this special person that, because INFJs really cherish when someone tells us that we matter to them. 🙂

Im asperges, so being INFJ is just confusing, like the type of confusing as when you first see a maze from the top, because youll never figure it out. but anyway, I understand why you feel that way, but I never did, because I always felt like it wasnt a celebration of me, but rather a reason to see me friends, (who i almost never saw) I sympathize ;(

This is me! I did not like celebrating mine. A friend I knew did not like it when I asked to be left alone that day. She mocked me and told the rest of my friends “okay everyone lets all not call her on her birthday!” I left a lot of friendships bc no matter what they did not care to understand. Also I wasn’t good at explaining why I was the way I was. I ended up sleeping and resting at home by myself. I had been going out so much with my friends before that I started to feel I had no energy and could not even understand myself what was going on. Later on that night a friend called me and asked where havr I been and my crush has been looking for me. I forced myself to go out and he gave me flowers and asked me to be his gf. ☺

“I mentioned once that I don’t believe in saving affection for certain dates. We have an entire year to do that.”
I agree!! I remember telling a friend something similar but for Valentine Day. That our partners should be valued and if we made Valentine Day more special than any day is not fair to them or the other days. 😃

My life is so much better now after finding out I am INFJ earlier this year. Thank you for writing this!

This describes me …I am a Christian my faith is what keeps me afloat. My whole life I have felt misunderstood…I have always felt the need to defend the underdog even if that person had mistreated me. I feel I’m intuitive to othersvp as in and want to save them and it is draining. I cry easily…I hate my birthday…have always felt like the outcast. And as o misunderstood…the only true love I feel or can trust is the love of God. I love my three kids more than anything in this world..I have been a single mom of three for 12 years. And worked full time with no emotional or financial support from their father…there has been much pain and now they are 21, 18 and 14.. and I will be 50…and feel for the first time in my life mi am accepting who I am and why I’m hete.

I hate birthday parties. I don’t even really like getting birthday cards, so what I do now is I display the ones I receive for a month or so, and then recycle them. I just don’t like clutter and I live in a small space.

I do like to just go out for dinner with my boyfriend, and maybe spend some money on myself.

So, I’ve tried a different tactic for my birthday over the last few years that’s left me happy as a clam: I find ways to celebrate that give me opportunities to serve others with skills I love showing off.
Two years ago, I had a party that was graciously hosted by a friend with a large house. I asked another friend of mine to bake cupcakes. And I brought everything we needed for drinks. That was it, just Cocktails and Cupcakes. And I played bartender all night. It was a blast.
Last year’s birthday happened to coincide with my brother and his wife driving their seven children into town for a visit. So I did something similar, but went for a breakfast option instead. We had bacon, eggs, and pancakes, and my younger brother and I cooked for everyone. I spent my birthday doing something I love (cooking) to a whole slew of tiny humans that I adore.
Just something to think about…

This is a great idea. I think I will start doing things like this on my birthday. Maybe have a small party and ask for donation items for a charity as opposed to gifts. Maybe an animal shelter or school.

My 30th birthday was on August 21st. Funny how you posted this article on that date, seemingly just for me. And on the day of the solar eclipse. Got to love those synchronicities.
I’ve always dreaded my birthdays. They always made me feel sad, and anxious. I’m always thinking about what I’ve done in my life up until that point and judging myself on what I think I ought to have achieved. I feel I do not deserve to be celebrated. This year I feel some of the pressure was taken off because of the excitement about the solar eclipse. Here’s hoping next year can feel calm as well. It’s nice to know I’m not the only person who hates birthdays, though I love making others feel special on theirs!

Glad to hear it came at the right moment (synchronized) for you, Mel. 🙂 I can fully understand how you feel about your birthday, but I am happy to hear the pressure was off this year, and I hope the next one will be tranquil as well. 🙂

Wow !! And just like for me 🙂 I received this post into my mailbox exactly on my birthday, August 22 (I live in Eastern Europe) !! 😀 Although, you know, the likelihood of this to happen is statistically just 0,0027 % 😉

But I personally see the “birthday issue” slightly differently: I would be absolutely fine with celebrations, if they are actually related to my real and proper achievements (in relation to the gold medal example), but no-one can claim their birthday as the result of their “individual greatness”, or in other words, no-one has personally earned their birth, with their deeds…so that’s where celebration (and the attention) becomes problematic…

However, my birthday is emotionally still the most important day of the year for me, because as a Christian, I believe that this exact date and year of my birth had actually some greater purpose in the “big picture”, and it was not just some random date, when it all happened…. But at the same time, I feel sorrow for getting older, and that’s usually the main problem about my calm birthdays – exactly the reason, that I feel like the events in my life aren’t progressing quite as fast as they should, while the years go just mercilessly by…

Completely accurate! I do not like to celebrate birthdays but I do for my two nieces who are 8 and 6. I get joy by watching them enjoy my day. I would rather give then get and I have been this way my entire life.

My two favorite birthdays:
Age 22: I invited all my friends over to watch a movie. I ordered and paid for the pizza, but didn’t tell anyone it was my birthday.
Age 30: I went to a little Oregon coast town with one close friend and watched a thunderstorm over the Pacific ocean.

Every other birthday, I experienced the “you’re an unworthy fraud” meltdown.

I love the age 22 one! I shall do that, the only thing is that some of my friends will know it’s my birthday. I rather just chill with them and have a great time without the boulder in the air that it’s my birthday.

This isn’t really that accurate for me. I didn’t like people singing as a kid but having a few friends over for cake was nice. I look forward to my birthday now (which is next Tuesday!) because when I turned 18 I told myself I’d go away somewhere every year to celebrate, even if it’s just a few hours away by car for a couple days by a pool. 17 years later I’m still keeping with my tradition.
I never have parties though…

It’s funny because I have actually always loved my birthday as an INFJ! It’s a day I allow myself to celebrate my life and my accomplishments. I appreciate all of the wishes and gifts that come from family and friends. I usually don’t have a big party, but rather go out for an intimate dinner with family.

Wow – that certainly explains a lot! My daddy died when I was 28.5 years old, I believe he was an INFJ also. My mother was an ESFJ – loud and pushy. She was determined that I was to have a 30th birthday party, that I insisted I did not want. She convinced my husband and brother to participate in a surprise party. I was lured to her house under the ruse that her dog was having puppies. I went in cut-off shorts and no bra. I told my husband in route, my mother is not planning a party is she? He said nothing. When we arrived at mother’s house and I saw the cars I knew exactly what was up. They were the ones who got the surprise. I refused to go in the house and my husband refused to take me home. It felt like they were punishing me and not celebrating for me. After staying outside for nearly an hour everyone left. My mother came out and confronted me by grabbing me by the hair of the head and calling my ungrateful. I did not speak to my mother for three months after this. It has been 24 years since that birthday and it has inflicted much pain to my very soul. But everyone knows not to do that ever again. Tears!

Marko,
That was a long time ago and it was very traumatic for me. More so because my dad, whom I was very close to, had been gone such a short time. I have not really thought of it in years until I read this article and everything flooded back including the tears. Even though I disliked my mother’s ways in the end I took care of her for years before she went into a nursing home with Alzheimer’s. She passed four years ago. I now spend my birthdays quietly usually with my husband and brother at a quiet restaurant (no funny hats or noise makers to draw attention to me). That is just the way I like it!

You are absolutely right about hating big parties. But in the last few years I’ve come to love my birthday, because I do two things to celebrate:
1. I tell myself it’s my one day to do whatever I want without feeling guilty for putting my wishes first (after all, no one will tell the birthday girl she’s being selfish)
2. I try to do something new: I’ve gone paddle boarding, taken a vacation by myself, visited tourist sites in my town that I had never seen, one year I simply sat outside all afternoon and read a new book. And then I try to end the day with immediate family or one or two friends, eating at a new restaurant.
No parties. Just spending guilt-free time trying new things. It’s perfect!

I will have a big one coming on ver soon (with a 0 in it) and people are asking what I’m going to do (am I going to throw a big party, hire a hall, book a reception centre, or ……..). I just wished they didn’t know as all I want is a quiet weekend away in a log cabin with a fire place, some good books, nice food and a few loved ones. So I am telling the ones who ask that I’m going to be away around that date, because really I don’t want to be the centre of attention or the supplier of free food and drink, or the party to go to.

I fully understand you Margreet, and remember, this is your day, and you decide how will you spend it. 🙂 A quiet, reading weekend in a cabin with your loved ones sounds like a wonderful way to celebrate it!

I like my birthdays, but I have never liked birthday parties. My favorite way to spend my birthday is going away on an overnight trip somewhere and doing exactly what I love to do. If my birthday happens during the week, I take that day off of work. As long as you do what you want to do, and celebrate in a way that feels good to you, I think birthdays are much better.

I love having a birthday, just not a party. I love the passing of each year and discovering what is different. My mom, though she understands my dislike of parties, does put them together for me. My last birthday we had 12 or so people, and about half way into it I crashed. It took me several minutes to recover and a lot of perseverance to continue until the end of the party. I’d rather pick something like getting to spend an entire day in a bookstore or library, or just to wander around on my own and watch people. Having a nice meal with family and a few friends at the end of the day is always nice. Thank you for sharing that. I related quite a bit.

Reading many of the paragraphs I felt like shouting (well quietly in my mind as I am around work peers) DITTO! I prefer to take my b-day as a vacation day so I can be away from people although most who do not know me well consider me to be quite social. And it is all about the chocolate fudge cake. I consider it the silver lining.

Wow, this was crazy accurate! I have felt like this for as long as I can remember (I was the little kid hanging out under a table opening presents because I couldn’t stand the spotlight – lol 🙂

I love making a big celebration out of many of my friends’ and family member’s birthdays (all are extroverted types who absolutely love big parties), but for me I’d prefer super low key celebrating. I always felt guilty, though, like I was letting people down by not having a big shindig for my birthday. Like it was something I was “supposed” to do.

Well, this year I am turning a milestone age and have already started planning a getaway with just my spouse (no getting caught off guard by a big surprise party this year 😉 so that I can celebrate in a fun but low key way. No guilt, just happiness, and relaxation. A few days in a small cottage by the water, just the two of us – Perfection 🙂

I’ve had only 1 birthday party ever in my life at age 4. After that only private lunch or dinner with immediate relatives. The one time I decided to celebrate was my 16th birthday as promised by my dad and it was the most memorable bust (think of waiting hours for dad to show up at various venues (no mobile phones then) and when he finally does at the 3rd spot I was standing in the pouring rain. Unbeknownst to me that the the police had been watching me and they almost arrested my dad ’cause he’s a grown man picking up a lone teenage girl at 8:00pm in a popular prostitution spot. Had to show IDs and give info to allay their fears and then watch him get cautioned for having me wait alone for over 4 hours). I just grabbed a bite to eat, caught a bus home, listened to my mum say “I told you so!” and cried myself to sleep without eating a thing.
So birthday celebrations or parties arent my thing. But I do throw parties for my kids (my youngest shares the same birthday as me) and push myself to take part. Always exhausting but they’re happy. I am working myself up to celebrate my 40th next year, and my youngest’s 10th but no party for me, just me time in the day and family outing for my son.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Kellee. I’m sorry you had these unpleasant moments in the past, but I am glad your kids are happy when you throw them a party. 🙂 Also, plan for your next birthday sounds great!

See I tend to be so quiet and unassuming that I don’t get attention unless I’m throwing a temper tantrum, having reached my limit.

As a child, there were no Birthday parties due to lack of funds, just immediate family, a gift and a cake. No one sang Happy Birthday.

So, birthdays for me tend to be just another day where the specialness is ignored by most, except now there is Facebook. Many friends reach out to me on there and it is great.

And you are right on the birthday parties; the few I had as an adult made me cringe.

Given my personal experience, is it any wonder why I have pushed so hard for one of my children, who was born 12/21, to have their own special day? And why when I see parents, whose children were born in the same month, having joint birthday parties, I get aggravated but bite my tongue to keep peace.

Everyone that wants one, should have a day just to celebrate them. Just them. In their way.

You’re not doing anything wrong for wanting your children to have a special day on their birthday, you mean well, and you want to give them attention and care. 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing your opinion on this, Laura, and for being understanding about this day. 🙂

Wow this is unbelievably relatable to me. I’m only 16 but I’ve always felt that my birthday was the worse day of the year. I don’t feel comfortable in the spotlight and it hurts when others don’t understand that. To me this year I felt like being 16 should have more significance but it didn’t. I always wondered why and now I finally see it.

I’m glad you can relate Katie! Also, I understand how you feel, all too well… Just remember, there is nothing wrong with you to feel this way, there never was. You are an INFJ, and that’s something for you to be proud of. 🙂

Great article Marako. It explains a lot. I’ve always hated my birthday but never knew why. I just recently discovered I am a INFJ. What a relief!!! At work they always have parties for the B-day person. A few year back I requested to be taken off the list which they did. When the day came I was handed a card the everyone signed (40+ signatures) which was very nice. Not one person said Happy Birthday and I was in heaven, it was great. This past year all friends & relatives called the day before to wish me a happy birthday. On my actual b-day I was home alone. No one called & no cards. I can’t believe how much I enjoyed it. I am so so very blessed to have all of these people in my life who understand me & let me be me. Truly feeling loved these days. Thank you for all your insight to being an INFJ. No longer feeling odd. My b-day is in July so I’m a cancer & an INFJ. Bad combo hahaha take care and thanks again.

Thank you so much, Brenda! It’s wonderful to hear that your friends understand you when it comes to your own birthday, and that you feel loved. 🙂 Thanks again for sharing your lovely thoughts, and for your kind words. You are not alone. 🙂

This was super interesting, and ever since I embraced my introversion, I use my birthday as an excuse to ask for exactly what I want–to be home by myself all day. If others want to help me celebrate, we can plan it for another day. But it’s the one day a year I make a point not to feel guilty about being a little selfish. And it should absolutely be celebrated–not everyone makes it this far in life!!!

My birthday is in a few months and I am conflicted on what to do with the day. In my rich INFJ mind there would be something special planned – no so much a party, but an event or activity that is meaningful and thoughtful. The reality is it will be just another day; I’ll buy my own cupcake and spend the day doing my own thing or perhaps nothing at all. I hope that one year this birthday wish will come true; until then, it’s a solo birthday.

It still is your special day Tiffany, no matter if someone congratulates you or perhaps not. Even if no one says congratulations, that will not make it any less special or important, quite the contrary. 🙂

Thank you for this article!
I thought I was the only one who hated birthdays. When I was younger though I loved them.. all the cakes and presents. As I grew older, people would call/Facebook me to wish a happy birthday. I would start to get anxious a few days before and dread picking up the phone (still do unfortunately). I’ve never had a big party for my birthday (don’t have it in me), although that doesn’t mean that I don’t secretly fantasise about mermaid parties!
I’m 28, but now days I just go to the movies with my 4 closest family members. Good times- but if I’d have to be really honest, I’m just “surviving” birthdays.

Even as a young child I hated birthdays. My parents never let me forget it, showing everyone photos of my miserable 6 year old (and beyond) face opening gifts and talking about how they had to force me to even open them at all. It still makes me uncomfortable even if I’m socially able to get through it in a more grateful, upbeat way as an adult. 😅 I’d just rather not. 😉 Same feeling goes for any event in which I might be the center of attention. Lol

I love my birthday! I’ve had good experiences with birthdays growing up, so I feel really good about celebrating my day. However, when I turned 16, on the day of my birthday I had to attend a relative’s funeral, and then go to my after-school job. That was the worst birthday. Since then, I’ve made a pact with myself to always celebrate my birthday as a day for me. I always have the day off work, sometimes, I’ll treat myself and take a week! For me, it’s a time to celebrate myself, give love and appreciation to myself and be grateful for everything I have. I have to agree that big parties are not for me, especially as an INFJ. I usually celebrate by myself, this works for me, and I’m totally okay with that!

I’m glad you love your birthday Sarah, but I am sorry you had that sad and difficult moment when you had 16… I’m happy to hear you made the decision to dedicate that special day to yourself, and that you are okay with the way how you celebrate it. 🙂

Thank you so much for this post! I could utterly relate with everything ♥ I hope I’d be able to start hating my birthday less from this year on haha but the other reason being that I just want to skip that certain date is my family is not always complete on my birthday since my dad is the busiest during Decembers, my birth month. Though I know it can’t be helped, I think it’s one of the other reasons why I feel sad on a day others would celebrate instead. Because what matters most to me is someone’s presence, not expecting any gifts. Oh I also have some friends I would expect to greet me but never do when I always write them long heartfelt messages on their birthdays and they just forget mine 🙁

You are most welcome hana, I’m glad you could relate! I am really sorry to hear your friends forget about your special day, and that your family is busy then, but please know it’s not less special because of it. That is your day, so always know, dedicate it to yourself and for yourself. I know it’s easier said than done, and I know how you feel. Just don’t forget, your birthday is a special day and you don’t matter less because someone doesn’t see it. You are important and you matter. 🙂

The toughest time for me was when my husband threw a surprise party for me with over 50 of my closest friends, family and friends from way back. Even though I knew them all so well, and I wanted to appear gracious and excited, inside I was overwhelmed and felt like hiding somewhere. When they sang, “Happy Birthday,” I felt like I was going to faint!

For me personally, I haven’t had very many close friends, and often they are spread across the country or even the world (I’ve been around a bit). Most of my birthdays were spent with just a couple friends or sometimes just my parents and my 6 siblings. I tend not to think of my birthday too much, treating it like another normal day. I’m a bit anxious for my upcoming birthday because I’ll be turning 21. I’m not completely sure how that will turn out, but I’m assuming I’ll have a good number of people who will want to celebrate with me, and I’m rather unsure of how I’ll deal with that.

However you choose to celebrate your upcoming birthday, make sure that it is how you want it to be, that’s the key. Spend it however works best for you, because people who really care for you will understand that. 🙂

Wow Marko, I can really relate to this! Let’s just say my birthday is right after a traumatic event occurred in recent American history smh You can imagine how the party my family threw for me was eerily quiet that year. I have blamed my disdain for it on so many things, being the overpractical robotic virgo and what not but I think it’s just this incredible need for solace but guilt from feeling lonely if you give yourself too much of it lol

Hey Marko, Thanks for the heads up that my dislike for birthday celebrations is an INFJ trait. My reasons for not liking the day, though, are a little different than yours.

1. I really dislike it when people announce their birthdays loudly before their day, making sure that everyone knows. I feel like people are fishing to get presents or to make other people make them feel special. It feels false and artificial to me. Therefore, I feel uneasy telling others about my birthday and feel “put on the spot” when others tell me about theirs.

2. People in my family simply can’t see or hear me as a person, don’t understand or know me. So even if I provide the asked for “birthday list,” they get presents that basically, I can’t use, don’t need, or don’t want. Years and years of this having to figure out what to do with useless stuff has made me dislike birthday presents. Also, I feel that they are not actually celebrating me because they don’t know me and I feel disappointed.

3. I have a special diet. I don’t eat sugar or wheat. Yet, especially in work situations, if people know it’s my birthday, they get cake and ice cream, and I have to eat this stuff that damages my health, and fake happiness about it. Not fun. —

You see, it just seems like for the most part there is something artificial about this whole thing of birthdays. As others have said, it’s not like a person has actually done anything special to deserve an honor. Yes, it’s true that a nice person was once born into this world, and it’s also true that it’s a great accomplishment to rack up the years and make it to old age. So how to celebrate in a meaningful way?

Two great birthdays for me: When I turned 50, I got myself two kittens as a birthday present. That was excellent, because the two sweeties brought so much love into my life. Next month, I turn 60. I’m celebrating this year by participating in my first sprint triathlon – 500 yards of swimming, 15 miles on the bike, 5K run. I’m currently training. This birthday will be a celebration of good health.

Thank you so much for sharing your insightful thoughts Jan! That’s so wonderful to hear you got two lovely kittens for your 50 birthday, and that you will be participating in your first sprint triathlon! Celebration of good health sounds like a great plan to me. 🙂

For past year , I have become more positive towards my birthday and now it has become a special day for celebrating myself, being grateful and being alive.
But still all the attention really makes me feel weird and cutting the cake is the weirdest thing for me, even though how much I love to eat chocolate cake.
Thanks for writing this article, for all these years , I have been thinking that I’m the only one who don’t like to celebrate her birthday and feel weird about it.

You are most welcome Deepika, I understand how you feel. But trust me, there is nothing wrong with you about not liking to celebrate your birthday and how you feel about it. Glad the article resonated with you. 🙂

So nice to read, that I’m not the only one with birthday anxiety!
My birthday was a struggle to me every year. I know my friends like to treat me as I do for them. But my birthday is in December, when everyone is busy working and looking forward for Christmas. I felt akward for asking them to visit me for my birthday and when I did, some of my friends excused themselves for not coming, because they were too busy. The fact is it was true, they were busy. There have been years I didn’t celebrate my birthday, but that also felt wrong. I felt sorry for myself; ‘am I not worth celebrating my own birthday?’

My solution is having a party in September. Because of the summer holidays, I am relaxed and my guests are too. The weather is still nice, so we go out in our garden. I invite my family and my most beloved friends, so I do’nt have a large group. And my husband celebrates his birthday too. That’s nice for me, because the attention is devided between the two of us : ) I can handle this. We always get compliments for the nice and relaxed atmosphere.

I’m glad to hear the article resonated with you Cécile. You are worthy, more than you know. Your birthday plan for September sounds awesome, and I am glad you are comfortable with it, and that you enjoy it! 🙂

Thanks for the posting, Marko.
I’m not crazy about having people acknowledge my birthday. It seems like they’re only doing it b/c it’s expected; it’s not sincere. In fact, I don’t post my birthday on my Facebook account for that reason. But my sister insists on celebrating it, so I go along. I appreciate the gesture from her.

The title of this post really caught my attention as I LOVE my birthday!! For the past few years I have actually planned my own celebration with a small group of girlfriends at a lovely restaurant and this past birthday in March went big! I actually hosted my own birthday and had 17 friends over and catered the whole thing. I enjoy the texts and calls and sentiments very much. Now, what I noticed in reflection is when it came time to light the candles and sing I was so overwhelmed I burst into tears. They were tears of gratitude but also tears of being in the limelight and feel squirmy! I felt happiest watching everyone enjoy their dinner and chatting in small groups with others and secretly I felt like I was celebrating them! I know that I have always loved my birthday and that will never change and the reflection form your post was very interesting for me! Thank you!

Thank you so much Jennifer for your constructive and kind thoughts on this article. It’s great you feel this way about your birthday, and i can clearly see from your sentences that you really cherish it, and I fully support that! 🙂

Today is my birthday. It’s so strange that popped up on my Pinterest feed. I can understand so much of this. I hate being the one honored. I feel like I’m not appreciating everyone’s efforts properly – or that I haven’t honored them as well for their birthday earlier. It’s like I constantly have a scale in my head, where I’m judging my own giving to make sure I’m not taking more than I deserve from those I love.
One thing I do enjoy though, one way that I can celebrate with a large group, is if I’m bringing new people together. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been able to maintain friendships with lots of different groups of people. I love to introduce and cultivate new connections amongst my friends and family. For me, when I had a leaving party a few years ago, I actively planned a large party because I wanted all my beautiful people to meet each other and become firm friends in my absence. Half of them are introverts, so there was only a modest success lol, but that filled my heart more than anything else could.
Today I’m waking up alone. I’m going to work, then picking up antibiotics for my strep. Then it’s dinner with my roommates and their beautiful little boys, and honoring the mass Skype/Facebook Birthday love from my homeland. I don’t keep up with everyone as much as I would like, so I’m looking forward to making up for that too.
Much love and belated/early Happy Birthday to my fellow INFJs 🙂

Marko, This article, and so many of the articulate comments, helped me to understand why I dread my birthday for the two weeks leading up to the day, don’t actually like the day itself, but feel so much better the day after and actually will plan something fun or new for myself afterwards! I’m in my mid-50’s and no one around me understood what an introverted child was. I was just considered “no fun” by my loud and pushy family and some years they would throw me a party and some years they wouldn’t, depending on, actually, whether they wanted a party for themselves. I wasn’t in the equation and didn’t get noticed much. At least at work we would celebrate everyone’s birthdays! Those years were OK. I’ve learned to feel better about the day as I recognize that “a healer and protector” was added to the world. And those are the parts about myself that I really like and are a natural part of my personality. My friends and family have all passed on, so there is not a forced communal celebration now but I’m learning how to wrap my arms around the day quietly and honoring my feelings more each year. I think of it as a personal “Happy New Year” and make some goals for myself and maybe get out and experience something new. Kind regards.

Thanks so much Alison, I’m really glad to hear the article resonated with you. 🙂 And thank you for sharing your experience and how you feel about your birthday. I can fully relate with you not being understood… Good to hear you recognized yourself as a healer and a protector. 🙂

I thought it was just me!! Thank you for this article, Marco.
After many years of being pushed into celebrating my birthday in ways others wanted me to, I now make sure I’m in another country for my birthday. I love no-one knowing it’s my birthday. I can be guilt free, happy and relaxed in my solitude. I’m more than happy to help others celebrate in whatever style they wish.. all I ask is for similar respect be offered for my preferred way of non-celebration 😉
This is the first time I’ve come across any mention of this INFJ trait. It resonates deeply. Many thanks.

Well, it’s kinda nice to see confirmation that other INFJs feel the same way. I always hated when people enthusiastically acknowledged my birthday and internally I felt bad about it, was I maybe a little ungrateful? And it almost gets worse as you get older (I’m 19 right now) and then work acquaintances and facebook friends start to chime in. And the worst part is everybody texting you happy birthday ON your birthday. I don’t really want to have multiple small talk texting conversations on my birthday, but they’re being nice… And in my head, it doesn’t make sense, like– I really didn’t do anything?

Tomorrow is my birthday. It’s so weird to find this post just as I think “I hate my birthday”! (Somewhat) nice to hear I’m not alone in this situation!
Anyway, I’ll try having a good birthday.
Have a good day, yourself! (And thanks for writing this!)

This really explains a lot! I’ve never liked calling attention to my birthday, I’ve always said just the acknowledgement of it by my close family is all I want. SO doesn’t understand, but then again I also married a person with a narcissistic personality (read that one too, big light bulb moment!) so glad I found this sight, I still feel like I’m on an island but I see there are others like me.

Very cool insight! I’m a triplet and one of my twins is a girl who recently tested as an infj-a while I’m an infj-t. We hate attention but my twin brother loves it. We let him blow the candles out of our birthday cake a couple of days ago and my relatives were all kinda surprised and felt we weren’t enthusiastic about our birthday. I had a great day by myself earlier since it had rained and it was so pretty outside that I went to exercise at the park, It was enough for me. 😊

Hey thxs for sharing this. My birthday I have always hated hated so much! Just something so sad for me I’m always so anxious for it to be over and I always cry for some reason on it. Maybe because of bad memories, idk. I just don’t like the attention at all and feel like it’s undeserved. But for my friends? I plans weeekkss ahead and seem more excited then they do lol. Just thinking about seeing them so happy and showing how much they mean to me is really important. This last birthday was different though. I had the flu on my bday and I was just in bed all day feeling so terrible and depressed. My friend came in my room and after many attempts of trying to get me out of bed she did and we went to her room and all my friends were in there singing happy birthday to me. The rest of the night consisted of loud music and me just sitting in the corner. They didn’t force me to join in or anything and the night was amazing. My flu went away so quickly and I think it had to do with just how happy I was. I still hate birthdays very much but now try to make it special for them not me. As in me make the cake for them and just enjoying each other’s company. Not making my day any special but just a time to spend with my friends

Thanks so much for sharing how you feel about you birthday Madeleine, and for sharing your experience. I can fully relate, we INFJs can really plan weeks ahead when it comes to giving time to our friends, but our birthdays can be another story.

I dont understand. This is so accurate but even though we are considered a blessing to this troubled world, I still feel no matter what I do or no matter how much I improve or how much good I do, I will never be happy with my accomplishments.

And honestly as dark as this sounds, I just feel like quietly disappearing from this world on the day I was born. Its almost poetic.

For some reason I can praise others and I truly believe in others deserving the good that comes to them. I on the hand and a different story. I struggle to believe that I deserve anything good. But my heart says otherwise.

What you described Jazz is the paradox of the INFJ personality. We believe in everyone, cheer and nurture their success, but for ourselves? Not so much. That’s because we are our own worst critics. Remember to be more gentle to yourself, because even if you don’t see it, you are making daily progress that is worth celebrating. 🙂

I hate my birthday. People have to go out of their way to say happy Birthday to me and I read their feeling so strongly I can tell they are not sincere… I don’t know if that hurts worse or them not saying anything … best just to skip it…. they did this year. I have wished since I was 6 that I hadn’t been born. But people always need me so I am still here…… till I am a burden then I always leave. Glad to know I am not the only one who dreads their birthday.

You are not a burden Andria, and there’s nothing wrong in not liking your own birthday. Many INFJs feel the same way. Remember that your value is not determined by someone’s inability to see it, you determine who you are. You matter, and you are important. 🙂

Oh bloody hell! My birthday was just yesterday and I felt that rush of anxiety as I would every year. As a matter of fact, apart from my bday, I don’t like any special day to avoid the pressure on myself. I try to tell myself that everyday is special and I don’t feel obligated to treat myself or my gf specially in such days. This gets the ladies so upset cos they obviously don’t know me(I mean, I’m an infj). I’m involved with this sweet and special girl now, who “charmed” me into going out yesterday and I’m forever grateful to her cos I had a swell time out with her instead customarily staying indoor and secretly praying/wishing to go iut and have on such days.

For the past several years I would go to my private hide away here in the Colorado Mountains during my birthday. I always bring my daily journal with me so as to reflect on the year’s events and experiences. At first it was very difficult for my family and friends to understand that the best birthday gift they can give me is this annual time for reflection. They often assumed that I was depressed about getting older…ha ha ha ha! Eventually they took notice as how much more vibrant I would be upon returning and so have since now accepted this ritual that takes place once every year.

I’m glad your family noticed and accepted how much this retreat means to you on your birthday Jessie. I believe that journaling during it really makes you self-reflect, and replenishes your mind. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

My birthday is actually today and I was wondering why I wasn’t feeling that “I’m sixteen” joy. This makes so much sense. Before I felt kind of happy, organized everything and when time for partying came I just fell into a circle of “get it over with”. Big crowds aren’t something I enjoy but I felt obligated to do something for my birthday. Thanks for explaining myslef to me, lol.

I totally resonate with your article.
I make a point to know other’s birthdays, and wish them happy birthday, but because I hate making a fuss of mine, very few people remember, or even wish me happy birthday! This is the ultimate paradox, as I feel no one cares.
I reluctantly had a 21st ( which I hated) and my 30th and 40th went by as just another day.
My birthday makes me anxious and sad. I have always thought this was a personality fault. But now I understand.

Glad you could resonate with the article, Jo. I hear you, and know that how you feel is not a personality flaw. You just feel this way about your birthday, you are not alone in it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

So spot on, I just got emotional reading this. My birthday is tomorrow, two days after Christmas which has always made it worse. It is also the day that the baby I lost from my last miscarriage would have been due 3 years ago. I literally can’t escape the room feeling that arrives every year at this time.

Wow! Hit the nail on the head with one! My birthday is in just two days and I am dreading it, again. So many negative memories are attached to my birthday and other family celebrations. Some memories stand out more than others. I never was very good at pretending so whenever birthdays and other celebrations happened at my house it felt very fake because we were not a happy family at all and everyone pretended to be the Brady Bunch on those special days. One birthday, my 10th maybe, I left before the celebration due to on-going family drama and walked a mile and half to my little league game where I sat on the bench the whole game because I was late to the game. I would have rather be there then at home. Pretty fricking depressing, huh? But wait, there’s more depressing birthdays on the way. On my 30th birthday my step-father died-we were not close. In fact, I hated him. I am going to attend my best-friend’s mom’s funeral the day after this birthday, my 49th-I had known her for 32 years. She was a good mom and I will miss her. Hard to celebrate my birthday, again, this year. Last year, I cancelled my birthday altogether-no gifts, no dinner, nothing. My family did not understand. They never do

Thank you for this blog. Every time I read this blog and other posts from other INFj groups I feel a little less lonely and more understood.

I needed this article. I thought I was crazy! While I am an infj, my sister is an extrovert and LOVES her birthday… which is the day after mine, a week before Christmas. We always shared any birthday event so I never realized the anxiety that accompanied it. She soaked up the attention and I hid from it. It wasn’t until my university graduation party that it really sank in just how much I hate the attention. I’m just glad that I’m not crazy, and there is an explanation that I can give people(family) when they ask questions.

Thank you for this, Marko!
My whole life, I felt like two completely contradictory persons were competing for domination inside my brain–and I sometimes told people this. I felt as though I was always at half-life; I never knew what I truly wanted because I wanted very different things.
At first, I changed my social media settings, making it more private and so no one would be notified when it was my birthday . I did not care for insincere greetings from people who would not have known it was my birthday had facebook not informed them. Then I detached somewhat social media. I have always wondered why I disliked celebrating my birthday– people singing with me smack dab in the middle with the cake? I never knew what to do. I always feel like skipping my birthday and find myself fielding birthday calls (meh. i avoid calls every day just extra on my birthday) yet when my husband does something extra special for my birthday (but never surprise parties), I really treasure it.
When I found out I was an INFJ–I felt like I wasn’t a complete spaz, that I had a place in the world. Now I love myself and finding my balance. 😊

You are most welcome, Marie! I’m so happy that your INFJ discovery made you feel this way, and that you love yourself after it! That’s great! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on how you see your birthday. 🙂

I turned 50 on August 5, and my husband threw a party for me and all the wonderful related family members who could attend came. I absolutely loved it! I am sure it was because it was only people who love me, that I enjoyed it so much. Everyone had a great time and I wasn’t nervous in the least. Best part was the oldies talking about when I was young and the memory my sister made with all sorts of old pictures. Happy birthday to ME!

I know I’m a year late but I happened to just find this post. After finding out why I felt so miserable and misunderstood, and seeing how it was linked to my INFJ personality, it made me feel a lot better. My 16th birthday is in a couple days and I’ve always been miserable around it. It always felt like bad things happened around it (ex: a surgery I had, illness, accident…) and growing up being bullied never helped. Anyways I wanted to thank you for this post. For one of the first times ever I feel like I am ACTUALLY understood. It really helped me a lot <3

I want you to know, in case no one told you this, or if no one tells you this on your Birthday in two days: There is nothing wrong with you. There never was. You matter and you are enough. I know how you feel, especially regarding the bullying part. You are understood, and you are not alone. However you choose to spend your Birthday Belle, know that you got my support. I’m humbled my article helped you so much. A gentle reminder, you are awesome, just the way you are! 🙂

My birthdays ALWAYS of “Oh, PLEASE don’t do something big for me…” and then, “Why didn’t you do something? Don’t you CARE about me?” It leaves my dear husband confused, and me at a loss to even explain it, because I truly feel both ways!! Thanks so much for this explanation!
I sit hoping my birthday can go by without anyone noticing, but then am overjoyed when someone notices. The emotional whiplash is hard on our loved ones, huh? Thanks for the insight.

You are most welcome, Diane! 🙂 I hear you. Many INFJs don’t want to be in the spotlight, but we do appreciate when someone notices a meaningful date to us, even if we don’t celebrate it. Thanks for sharing this!

I don’t hate it, but I do have the feelings of guilt. I don’t mind the attention so much as I feel like the mixing of the attention and gifts is too much. Therefore, I’m thinking of offering a compromise: we can either have a party, *or* we can have gifts, but not both at the same time. Does this sound too unreasonable?

One thing that I’d really like for my birthday is to have my wishes respected.

That sounds perfectly reasonable, Eric. I fully understand you regarding the guilt. I am in full agreement too when it comes to respecting the wishes as well. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! 🙂

I am an INFJ and my birthday was yesterday.
I really did not like it. lol
It is just too much fuss for me.
I’d rather go on with my day without anyone acknowledging it- hell I don’t even want presents because I am happy and have enough stuff already. 😀

It’s my 40th coming up, and my family threw me a surprise birthday party with about 45 people last night.. and I was so shocked, I had told them I didn’t want anything, and now I feel horribly torn as I appreciate they were doing this to show they care, but I hate being the centre of attention and feel awful that people came out of their way to celebrate me.. it’s very overwhelming.. your article really made me feel it’s okay to be feeling as I am about it.. thanks..

I feel conflicted when it comes to my own birthday. I want to be celebrated and acknowledged by my close friends and I want to go out with them and have a chill, fun time. I just don’t want to plan anything like that, the thought of planning to go out and celebrate myself telling people to come stresses me out so much.

Plus yeah, I feel like I kinda don’t deserve it and when asked what I want to do for my birthday it also stresses me out- it’s like I don’t really know but I know but I don’t want to annoy anyone with my complicatedness and have to explain when I’m not sure myself.

While this is annoying and I sorta wish I was like another personality sometimes- who could easily celebrate their birthday, I am a proud INFJ-complications and all. Thanks a lot for the post Marko.

I always disliked my birthday because I shared it with my twin sister growing up. She died in a car accident 18 days after our 18th birthday. Now I hate it because it is a huge reminder that she is gone. I’m 36, I’ve spent half my life without her. I also hate that there are so many people who know me that never knew her or that her birthday is mine as well.
I hardly ever tell others happy birthday, but the few actual real friends I have understand.

This is really accurate! My birthday is September 11th. Before, no one could remember my birthday. After 2001, I get pushed to the side for memorials and tributes… if people do remember it’s because of that of what happened in 2001 not because of me.