1. The (third) main event was fine and all, but reeked of that WWE video game storyline thing where you have to perform a certain task to trigger a cut scene. Cena wrestled the entire match with PERFORM THE ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT TO THE BIG SHOW in the top right corner of his screen, and when he pulled it off, the game cut to both men lying in the ring unable to move and OH NO HERE’S THE SHIELD! AND NOW HERE’S TEAM HELL NO! HERE’S SHEAMUS, BUT HE CAN’T PUNCH THE GUY HE’S DOWN HERE TO PUNCH, SO UH, HE’S PUNCHING ZIGGLER! And so on. I kinda just wanted to hit X and move on to the next match.

2. Dolph Ziggler should be careful about his “stealing the show every night!” talking point. It’s the only one he makes. Cole’s like “hey, why don’t you win important matches” and Lawler’s like “hey, why didn’t you cash in the Money In The Bank briefcase when Big Show had been hit 30+ times with a chair,” and Ziggler’s response is I’M GOOD I GO OUT THERE EVERY NIGHT AND STEAL THE SHOW. So uh, in the kayfabe world of WWE, do you get paid based on “how good” your matches are? In theory, a good match is one that goes back and forth and lasts a while and doesn’t have a super obvious conclusion. Is your goal at work seriously to let the other guy almost beat you for the entire match so it’ll be “good?” How does that make sense? The point should be “I’m great at wrestling, and even when I don’t win, people still can see that I’m the best wrestler.” Or something. Not the “I have the best matches a lot!” That’s an extremely Davey Richards thing of you to say. DO NOT BE DAVEY RICHARDS.

Worst: LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT

Michael Cole screaming LOOK OUT LOOK OUTTT to end the show was the phoniest thing ever, make even worse by the fact that everybody involved in the fight was in the ring, and he was like 20 feet away behind a table looking at a monitor. It wasn’t like Roman Reigns was powerbombing somebody onto his lap. I know he’s got to sell the “anything can happen, whoaaa” vibe, but come on, some pretty normal stuff was happening.

Anyway, the entire final segment was just this:

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night

KingTommenBaratheon

Hopefully Sheamus can get revenge on Dolph for pushing Dolph off that ladder.

MDVEGA

Damien Sandow needs to name his next move “Micheal Cole Is A Douche” in Latin, just so it has to be explained every week.

Jo3yHuds

Rhodes. Where we’re going, we will need Rhodes.

Whole Lotta Denim

Rhodes Scholar would only be “The Pink & The Stink” if their record was 2-1

shabbydude

No one would see it because it’s old, but to add to the haiku recaps we did earlier:

F**k you, Miz, f**k you.

F**k you, Miz, f**k you. F**k you.

No really, f**k you.

GenuineFiber

Ryback is like Beetlejuice except you have to say his name three thousand times

85

They should’ve played a Tony Schiavone Nitro signoff.

papermint

NO STOP. BRING OUT HANDSOME MEN TO PRAISE VICKIE NOT HORRIBLE MEAN GRANDPAS TO TEAR HER DOWN.

BookSavvy

Alica Foxx is on her way to her part time job as a ride attendant in Tomorrowland, apparently.

And finally, a different open letter to The Miz (because it is great, and I didn’t see it until I’d written mine) from CM Funk

Dear The Miz,

I really wanted your whole good guy thing to be fun and cool. But I already, 2 weeks later, have to completely take it back.

Cody and Damien are best friends. Cody grows a mustache and you make a gay joke. Damien responds in a socially acceptable way more or less, and you just talk over him in the most sophomoric way possible.

I’m glad Cody is trouncing you verbally. I hope someone trounces you later. Perhaps the hair of Damien Sandow’s beard didn’t rub off on Cody Rhodes when you allege they were kissing. Perhaps when The Rock attacked you at Survivor Series last year, his homophobia rubbed off on you. Could have been Cena too, I don’t know. Right now Cena is too busy being condescending to women, but that doesn’t mean you should be picking up his slack.

Also, preemptive “f**k you” to anyone who thinks I’m taking things too seriously. I’m tired of nonsense like this, especially from people I want to like or have liked in the past.

Also, hey, some people have penises and also like the color pink. Get the f**k over it, every good guy wrestler. I mean, except for John Cena when it’s in the name of cancer in conjunction with a awful charity for jerks.

I’ll never understand why the WWE can’t have a major face like Sheamus or Cena lose cleanly once in a while on Raw or Smackdown. I’m not even saying it has to happen often, like once a month at most. It at least gives off the feeling that something CAN happen or that those guys maybe made a miscalculation during the match.

Oh, and Cesaro should challenge Kofi to a champion vs. champion match, win, and become the US Continental Champion.

I cheered as all get out when Orton tapped. It made their later match at HIAC more exciting since a locked Cross Armbreaker would seem like a sure loss for Orton rather than just an excuse for him to make pain faces for 10 seconds. I wish ADR (and other heels) got more out of their submissions like that night (against guys who matter).

Yeah, Orton tapping is just another sign that WWE really only plans on using him to wrestle top tier guys, but pushing him isn’t really on their agenda.

And Chilly, jmendozaedd is correct in that I meant only Cena and Sheamus appear to get this treatment. Any other face can and will lose cleanly. See: Kofi vs. Cesaro. The last time I can remember Cena losing cleanly one-on-one without any type of outside shenanigans was when he lost to the Rock at Wrestlemania, but Rock isn’t a heel (technically).

Well Orton keeps failing the Wellness test. He leaves them no option but to elevate other guys.

I don’t get why they don’t have these guys lose from time to time.If you call yourself “Sports Entertainment” then act like sports. The New England Patriots destroyed an 11-1 Houston Texans team on the same field that they lost to the Arizona Cardinals. The same Cardinals team that lost 58-0 Sunday,

I think WWE brass really believes their fans can’t put wins/losses in context. Doesn’t have to happen all the time, but a competitive bout wouldn’t hurt.

So the reason we haven’t seen Ezekial Jackson in a while is because he’s been busy shaving his nuts?

Fantastic as usual, Brandon. It’s extremely hard to disagree with your opinions when they’re so damn watertight. Even though I’m watching raw less and less these days, partly due to wwe Apple Pipining all the ways to see it online, but I don’t see myself ever not reading this column.

Also, I’m seeing how many times I can watch Man Getting Hit By Ring Announcer and not laugh. I’ll be a while.

My parents live in Melbourne, which is about an hour from where they tape NXT. I was gonna go to the last show, but everyone who was supposed to go with me backed out at the last second. I COULD’VE SEEN KEVIN NASH MAEK POOPIES!

Yay wrestling bros! And I’m only going to be like 90 minutes from Full Sail in Tampa, so I’m hoping NXT trips happen a couple times for me, since THAT’S GOOD WRASSLIN. Plus, I need to see Bray Wyatt in person and then buy all of his merch.

Another great report, Brandon.
The really weird part about Miz throwing shade on Sandow for wearing pink is that, as a fashion forward dude, Miz probably wears more pink than anyone. In fact, during the MizTV lie detector segment, the inside of his jacket is CLEARLY pink.

You’re right that Zigs is basically breaking Kayfabe but it goes to your Go To See Wrestlers Rather Than Wrestling point–I guess people go to see Cena but then one ass roll later they are mesmerized by Zigs.

Sort of. Scripted and forced, filmed in a ridiculous location with no explanation or reason, guys always introducing themselves, crummy punchlines like “welcome to the shield of justice.” Just really amateur, and seemingly written on the fly without the improv magic that comes from actually DOING them on the fly

The reason I ask is cause I’ve read plenty of E-Fed stuff that is actually fun to read and tells a good story/builds a good character. There’s plenty of E-Fed stuff that’s certifiable dogshit, but I think you’d be getting to the point a little better by just saying “This Sucks.”

@Pencil-Necked Geek – It’s nothing against Raven I guess, it’s just that every e-fed/backyard shit ever had the guy sitting behind the furnace in the dark doing ECW Raven promos. Sincerest, most tired form of flattery.

I think is also has a lot to do with the inability to build appropriate “atmosphere” with text, so one tires to give chills with just words and efed promos are always disjointed from everything else. It’s why the mood of RAW last week worked, because there is a whole range of stimuli available that words in a vacuum can’t hope to match.

This is always great, but this week’s was especially great. I thought you were going to (and would have understood if you did) use the “monkey pissing in its mouth” clip instead of writing about Miz, but I’m glad you did this instead. Well said on Dolph too, although in his defense there’s only so much you can say about how great you are when you’re never allowed to win. Flair ’84 would have sounded different if he had the Mulkeys’ W-L record.

Another thing that kind of bothered me about the AJ in the men’s locker room thing: It’s not a real reaction. Do we really think a professional wrestler, who goes out there in a speedo to wrestle, is going to get all uppity if some hot chick sees him in a really long towel? Probably not. In fact, I’m pretty sure they’d say a ton of dirty stuff to said female.

Well and my thing is if Cena’s covering her so the other dudes don’t see her is it seriously because he thinks they’re more likely to get boners because its the locker room? SHE WAS IN HER RING GEAR THAT SHE LATER WORE ON A NATIONALLY TELEVISED SHOW. It’s not like she was parading around in a g-string and pasties covered in lube and preparing to get into her absurd “work clothes,” she was already as decent as she was gonna get in public for those three hours.

1) John Cena has never watched women wrestle and thinks they wrestle in Burqa’s. Thus, when he saw AJ, he thought she wasn’t ‘decent.’ This also is based on the fact he has hit his head so many times, he thinks he’s living in Saudi Arabia.

Great column and I loved the letter to the Miz. The whole “You’re gay because you wear pink” thing drives me up a wall. Mostly because I take it in a weirdly personal way because I think Jimmy Jacobs is flaming sex on a plate and he’s at times way more girlier than I am.

Brandon continuing to use the Miz = Howard the Duck comparison makes me happier than any appearance in the top 10 comments section, but makes me sad at the thought of the principal from Ferris Bueller being in the movie :-(

When Miz made his comments, it was like diving headfirst into a wall. I was on such a high with Rhodes Scholars (they’re best friends! they’re rising above childish insults! omg!), and then he had to go and fuck it up. I’ve honestly tried not to think about it because I have too many feels. Brandon and CM Funk’s letters are much appreciated.

Damien Sandow’s outrage face when Miz busted out the gay jokes was fucking glorious. So much so, I just created my uproxx account in order to tell you, then used a new piece of software on my computer to capture it off of a youtube clip and upload it as my avatar. Also, a couple of other things:
1. Rhodestache
2. Can they please stop saying TEAM Rhodes Scholars, and just call the THE Rhodes Scholars. It’s infuriating.
3. THE Rhodes Scholars are already my favorite tag team since Edge and Christian. If all is right with the world they will be defending their tag titles in a blow-off match against Hell No (not TEAM Hell No) at Wrestlemania. Please HHH, keep this tag division renaissance going.

Is it just me, or is the ‘F’ word the new ‘N’ word of the 21st Century?

This column made me chuckle as usual, but was also filled with the social awareness that Brandon is a master of weaving into his column that makes me look inward at my self and my social upbringing to help me grow as a human being.

I think it’s always problematic to use the “new/old” thing in these situations. I hear people say a lot that “x is the new civil rights movement” even when the current civil rights movement isn’t over. Intersections exist, but oppression are only equal in their validity.

Also, with the Slammy Awards coming up, will you, (and the With Leather Celebrity Panel!), be doing your own version of the Slammys? Because YOU KNOW the actual Slammy Awards will go out to the wrong people.

I nominate AJ Lee for the “Muhammad Hassan With Leathery” for Best Original Gimmick with Great Potential that Got Epically Derailed and Crashed into the Train Station Killing Hundreds and Releasing a Toxic Chemical into the Air that Threatens the Lives of Everyone within a Ten Mile Radius.

The taunt doesn’t make as much sense with a submission. The whole idea is that you tap out before you get hurt, so why would you lay there and let her pose on top of you? she sort of has to “knock her opponent out” for it to make any sense.

Hmm, you have a point. Although, if it’s a leg submission, the opponent would be holding their knee/leg in pain, which would give Eve the time to pose over the carcass. It’s all how the opponent sells her injury.

My wife thinks Cena was actually trying to hid AJ from the other guys in the locker room. Based on the way he kisses she’s pretty sure he’s never seen a girl in her “underwear” before and was confused.

I decided to name it as a Christmas gift, so I haven’t played it yet; but one thing I’m most looking forward to is downloading Antonio Cesaro and destroying everyone. ESPECIALLY all the Attitude Era stars. Eff ’em.

What’s amazing about JACK SWAGGER OF MARS is that it’s simultaneously a really funny parody of sci-fi storytelling while also being totally readable in a genuine way, peppered liberally with both really amusing wrestling trope-busting as well as just subtly amusing generally, re: the quote I just ctrl-P’d

The rest of the Raw report is the reason I come here but it’s an achievement in itself how much better these “Jack Swagger of Mars” pieces are than they at all have to be.

Great review and thank you for writing about stuff like Miz. We can say that “It’s only wrestling or it’s only entertainment,” but that ignores the impact society has on our entertainment and vice-versa. You are the voice of progressive wrestling fans. Thank you.

I also would have accepted, “Dear Miz, you are being an asshole. Please stop being an asshole.”

Point 1. I love the nod to continuity in the way Maddox cost AJ her match, after she dressed him down vervbally in front of the cameras when he messed up his first televised main event-match. (Foot-on-the-rope incident wth Punk.)

Point 2. Eve is a great diva champ, Alicia Fox is ok in the ring when she gets a chance to show it.

Point 4. With both Cesaro and Truth winning their matches (and Kofi and Barrett losing) WWE has thrown a curve ball to all “lose last match on TV, win on PPV” believers.

Point 5. Cena is obviously coming to the conclussion that AJ is not a smart move in the long run, and he tries to distance himself, without upsetting her. My guess, she costs him the match vs. Ziggler on TLC in some way…

I was the one who posted the translation before the show and, yeah he did I felt like he was saying it right to me. But, he can say it’s “distain with a t” all he wants. Aequet still doesn’t mean that and cubito is still the wrong case.

So I left the TV room after Rhodes Scholar defended and wandered back in just in time to see the Miz insult the odor of Cody’s moustache (how would you know, Miz?) and call them “the pink and the stink,” emit a series of moans and cusses, and leave the room again. Great job WWE.

I don’t see understand all the hate for Miz suits by the way. Moods of Norway is much cooler than Boss, Armani, Diesel or whatnot by default.(And hilariously expensive even here in Norway, unfortunately.)

Just want to say I love the column, man. As a college student who plays rugby and has to work I have no time to watch wrestling much these days, but I look forward to this every week to keep me updated and also provide quite a few laughs. You have talent, man, keep up the good work!

Finally able to catch-up on this weeks B&WoR. I copied “John Cena Boner Police” and accidentally pasted it into an Excel document. That could have been an interesting exchange. But once again, great write-up. Your letter to Miz is spot on and I couldn’t agree more. WWE needs to come to terms with the fact that some of their 20% hardcore fans are gay, women or even ::gasp!:: both. Let’s hope they think of all of us in the future. I won’t hold my breath…

I actually didn’t finish Raw for the first time in forever. I was watching it and reading the B&W at the same time, got to the Miz being a homophobic asshole (which I had just sat through watching Smackdown) and said, nope. Not doing it. Brandon, thank you so much for that letter. And if Rhodes Scholars and Michael Cole making sure to say it’s “distain with a t” (still wrong by the way) are any indications, I’d say it’s a good bet Miz saw it too. Let’s hope it makes a difference.