McClurg fork crisis reaches threat level six

In the latest line of McClurg dining hall debacles, what is being dubbed the McClurg fork crisis has shattered eating experiences throughout Advent semester. Considering forks are an integral part of any meal, this issue is especially hard hitting to the campus. Sources told The Sewanee Purple that this specific sought after cutlery is so rare that it is being used as currency. The Sewanee Purple investigative team cross referenced that with new information to move the threat level from five to six. Allegedly, fraternities who claim one table are taping forks underneath the furniture to insure constant access to the utility.

The McClurg staff has not commented on the issue but students insist it that needs to be taken seriously. Taylor de Fourprong (C’18) voiced her concern, “ Sometimes I have to go all the way to the vegan line to find a fork, and that’s like way on the other side of building, maybe twenty steps.” While her friend Mason Unsharp (C’17) stated, “I’m just going to bring my own fork to McClurg and personalize it so everyone knows its mine.”

Compared to the blue cereal bowl fiasco of 2015, the fork crisis affects more students on a daily basis. While riots have not broken out yet, one students attempts to offer a solution. Robert Peachers (C’20) offers a worthwhile solution, “Let’s increase the number of forks at the homeline – one of the hardest hit areas of the disaster – to four or five containers worth to counteract the lunch rush.” On a more positive note, the holiday music at McClurg has been infectious, which a local conspiracy theorist who would like to remain anonymous but lives in Trez suggests, “Its all a distraction to keep us away from the fork crisis.”