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The Stargate SG-1 Season One Minicaps just introduced Teal’c to Justin Bieber’s music. He’ll be in restraints for a while.

Stewart here…

The team has made some interesting allies (Teal’c’s mentor, Bra’tac), some interesting reveals about each other (Teal’c left a family behind), and some interesting reveals about their universe (there’s “Ancient Ones” who may still be around. Also, Sha’re and Skarra: still not found. So with that, let’s jump in…

“Fire and Water”

The team returns from a mission to a hellish planet, traumatized from the experience and claiming Daniel’s dead. But Daniel is very much alive, trapped in a submerged aquatic chamber with an non-English speaking alien to keep him company. So while the team is grieving their believed to be dead comrade, Daniel befriends the alien who wants an answer to something only a Earth history buff like Daniel could possibly know. It’s a okay episode, even giving us some welcome character building time with a traumatized SG-1 before revealing the truth of what happened.

“Oh man, I hope I don’t have to seduce this alien ala Kirk.”

–While I suspected Daniel was taken early on this watch of the episode, I completely forgot that the rest of SG-1 had their memories altered by Nem to make it seem the planet was some nightmarish hellscape.

–So Nem found out Omorocca, his mate, died on Earth a few thousand years ago fighting the good fight against the Goa’uld. I guess that’s closure for the fish guy.

–Well, at least this will be the only time the team will have to consider warehousing Daniel’s stuff on account of him being dead. Wait, what was that? Oh yeah. Nevermind.

–That awkward moment when you realize that in your PTSD related stress that the window of the car you just smashed belongs to your superior officer. You think Jack had to give Hammond his insurance info?

–Jack’s take on hypnosis: “You know, I’m not a big fan of that bark like a chicken, cluck like a dog stuff.”

“The Nox”

While trying to collect some helpful defenses to fight the Goa’uld (hey, the higher-ups want more than just making relations with primitive humanoids, okay?), the team ends up in an unexpected firefight with Apophis which leaves almost all the team dead. But before you ask “well, what about the other nine and a half seasons of this?”, they are brought back to life by a peaceful civilization known as the Nox, who would rather avoid any further bloodshed between both groups while on their world. When it seems that’s unlikely, both SG-1 and Apophis have a few surprises in store for them from the locals.

“Seriously, we didn’t see that up there?”

–Hey, it’s Quark from Deep Space Nine as the lead Nox! And another weird TV connection in the writer of this being one of the main producers of Bones.

–So yeah, did we not expect that Jaffa Teal’c knew in the Nox camp to be a problem when he came to?

–The Nox have a bigger connection in the lore of the series as we’ll discover later down the road.

–“The very young often don’t do as they’re told.”

–“Sorry to drop in on you like this, but we were…dead.”

“Hathor”

When a ancient Goa’uld sarcophagus on Earth is discovered, its revealed to be the Goa’uld known as Hathor, who gas been in suspended animation fit 2,000 years. Despite her claims to be an ally, she has a controlling effect on the men in Stargate Command, sand uses them to jump start her plan to take over the planet with more Goa’ulds. To save the men from becoming Hathor’s new army of Jaffa, the unaffected ladies of SGC arm up to face this threat. So if you want to learn more about Goa’uld procreation and watch ladies kick ass, this is the episode for you.

“May I suggest some chlorine, because that tub is filthy!”

–Welcome to Goa’uld Sex Ed! So here’s the lesson for today: queen Goa’ulds like Hathor can create lots of Goa’uld larvae (ewwww!) after having sex with a male of the species (thanks there, unwilling Daniel!), and can make little stomach slits for people to be Jaffa with that odd stomach thing on their rapidly getting skimpier dresses. Take notes, we may have a quiz later.

–Also, welcome to guy trauma this episode! Daniel sleeps with and under the influence of Hathor, and O’Neill managed to get a Goa’uld accessible stomach slit in him (easily corrected by Hathor’s fix everything sarcophagus).

–Oh yeah, Hathor survives a bathtub of burning Goa’uld, pretty much unscathed, and escaped through the Gate. Expect her to come back soon (just not this season).

–How do the ladies escape imprisonment? Propositioning the guards so they can get their cell opened. Which brings me to the quote below:

–“Why do I feel like I’m in a women behind bars movie?”

“Cor-Ai”

Upon arriving on another planet, Teal’c is detained and arrested for a murder he committed in his time serving for Apophis. Instead of running, Teal’c stays to stand trial for his crime, with O’Neill wanting to extract his teammate as soon as possible. Of course there’s more to what happened in the past than we know at first, but Teal’c finds salvation in helping to save the villagers from an oncoming Goa’uld attack. It’s a decent episode that reminds us that Teal’c’s life prior SG-1 wasn’t pretty or clearcut as we like to believe.

“Drink it in, puny mortals.”

–Hey, Shak’l from “The Nox” returns long enough to get shivved dead by Teal’c. Seriously, he’s there for like twenty seconds before getting killed.

–So yeah, Teal’c killed one crippled man to save a lot of people from being executed. Rough choice by any estimation.

–Hammond mentions the U.S. policy is to not interfere with other cultures, which leads to that moment where Jack points out how wrong a statement that is.

–Jack’s response to Daniel’s constant religious mentions on these expeditions: “Why is everything religious to you? They could have come from a swap meet?”

–“Teal’c ‘Indeed’ Counter”: still at zero.

NEXT TIME: Carter becomes attached to a girl who is a Goa’uld weapon of mass destruction in “Singularity”, the team races to save the incredible knowledge of a dying planet in “Enigma”, SG-1 find themselves in the bodies of androids in “Tin Man”, and O’Neill and Carter are stranded on an unknown ice planet in “Solitudes”.