Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Television Tuesday

“24”

Well, I guess we finally know what the Chinese think about Jack being alive. Before I get to that, however, let’s take a look back at the season gone by:

We lost a lot this season. We lost President Palmer, Tony, Michelle, Edgar, and we gained and lost the miserable hobbit all this season. We also gained a lot this season. We gained Karen Hayes, we gained a new appreciation for Aaron Pierce and Mike Novak, we gained a loony but somehow courageous First Lady, we gained a new understanding of syntox nerve gas (Great, something new to worry about), and most of all, we gained a new intense attraction for Chloe! Okay, maybe that was just Hans, but you get the point. With all that was gained and lost, two things remained constant: 1) to be a fan of “24” you have to just ignore a few things and not ask a lot of questions; and 2) Jack Bauer is the baddest 5’6” man to ever walk the planet.

As to the first of these two constants, we had possibly the greatest example of this in last night’s season finale. I am, of course, referring to the fact that not only was the pilot of the President’s chopper more than willing to relinquish his sidearm and control of the chopper to Jack, but there is apparently no button that can be pushed on Marine I to alert somebody that it’s been hijacked. As Hans so aptly put it, sometimes there are more holes than Swiss cheese. You, however, just have to remember that the good far outweighs the absurd, and move on. Just move on.

So, just when we thought all was lost, we realized that Jack was one step ahead of everybody and had saved the day by making Logan FACE JUSTICE!!! We were all ready to ride off into the off-season happily awaiting the next worst day of Jack’s life when the Chinese reared their ugly head and whisked Jack off on a ship to Shanghai. We’ve ended seasons with semi-cliffhangers before, but never anything like this. We’ve never been asked to endure seven months wondering about Jack’s well being before, and quite frankly, I’m really pissed. In fact, I’m so pissed at how things ended that it’s going to take me a few days to process it all and be able to speak rationally. In the meantime, in the tradition that has become Television Tuesday, here are some lingering questions to ponder as we anxiously wait for Jack’s return in January:

1) Anybody else think it was strange that they dropped Chloe’s foreign ex husband on us at the end of the season? Seriously, who is this guy and where the hell has he been for the past three seasons? Am I missing something here? Should I have known about this guy? And one more thing…and I’m just asking here…should it be this easy for a foreign dude to get CTU clearance? I mean, they bitch, moan, and make life a living hell for anybody trying to “break protocol”, but some foreign dude that’s been selling women’s shoes in Beverly Hills waltzes right in? I know, I know…move on!

2) Is there any doubt that Bill Buchanan and Karen Hayes are going to be hooking up when the next season comes around? Can you say mortal lock!

3) Clemency? Are you kidding me? Karen thinks Logan is going to get clemency? No freaking way. If this all happened in real life, even the bleeding hearts in the Northeast would insist on watching this guy die. At least, I hope they would.

4) Was Elisha Cuthbert too busy to appear in more than two episodes? Really? I mean, she was damn near perfect in “The Girl Next Door”, but the movie roles haven’t exactly been pouring in since then. For God’s sake woman, come to your senses and come back for Season 6. Please!

6) Where do I pick up my Wayne Palmer for President in 2008 bumper stickers? Any doubt this is coming?

7) So, there are about 1.3 billion people in China, how many of you do you think will be left when Jack Bauer is done with them?

“The Sopranos”

In all honesty, I don’t have a whole to say about this week’s episode except that something finally came of this whole Vito storyline. Now that he’s dead, and Sil finally found a good use for a dust buster, we’ve got ourselves what we’ve been waiting for: The North Jersey vs. Brooklyn war. If “The Godfather” taught us anything, however, it’s that mob wars are never limited to just two families. Brace yourself for a full fledged battle royal with all five families getting in the mix. It’s all very clear now…this entire season (the season finale in two weeks included) was just a bridge to get us to the final eight episodes. When it’s all said and done, the biggest challenge for Tony in fighting this war is going to be fighting the urge to kill the members of his own family. Seriously, if he doesn’t end up capping A.J. or Christopher, I’ll be stunned.