I went to see the spine specialist this past Tuesday. I had been nervous about going, so I decided to bring a friend. When the friend who was originally planning to come with me couldn’t make it (since they got me in on very short notice at the doctors office due to a cancellation), my one of my coworkers came through and came along with me instead. I feel lucky to have a job where I work with such amazing people!

The appointment itself was fine. The doctor prescribed physical therapy and a follow up appointment in 6 weeks. He said that I probably could get back to lifting, but not right now while I am having symptoms. He did mention weight loss, but I didn’t feel he was shame-y about it, so that’s probably as good as one can expect from a spine surgeon. He did a full exam asking about pain and testing strength. No pain or weakness, just the tingling in the legs. So for now he said “no knives, no needles.” I am really relieved about that.

I have my physical therapy evaluation in a few days. From there, they will tell me how many times per week I need to go.

I also cooled down after last week’s temper tantrum and decided to join the Y. My family applied for financial aid and received a partial scholarship. I went to join last night, and the person at the front desk told me that if I want to save money, they are waiving the joining fee on Wednesdays this month. So I will wait a few more days and go back on Wednesday, since the $100 joining fee is no small chunk of change.

The bathing suit I ordered for lap swimming arrived this week, and thankfully, it fits.

I learned a few things about how I can move this week, also.

For example, I tried doing lunges. In the past I always hated them. I felt wobbly and my ratio of bodyweight to single leg strength made them kind of unfavorable. Well, I tried them out of desperation (because I can’t do back squats right now with a spinal issue)….and now I can do them pretty easily, despite being at a higher bodyweight than the last time I tried them. So, I learned that even if I think I hate something, it pays to try it every few years 😀 .

I also figured out that if I push my kid’s stroller while I walk, I don’t get much of a back ache. Which shows me something about my alignment, because it is a bit different when I push a stroller. I’m paying more attention to my alignment and breathing when walking around and I think it is helping.

So, logistically, I’m dealing with everything. Emotionally, there are some things that are coming up.

This time of year I always have a long to-do list at work. And not having my regular routine to hang onto at home is making me feel very discombobulated. You know how child development experts stress how much small children crave structure and routine? Well, I can see this in myself too. Not having my usual structure and routine is making me feel more anxious and more sensitive to stress and things not going my way. I notice that I have less patience and a very short fuse.

I know that within a few weeks, I’ll be settling into a newer routine, as I will have figured out my physical therapy schedule and have joined the Y and figured out when to go swimming. So it should calm down by then. For now, I’m just noticing the feelings, and telling myself that it won’t be forever.

The other day I realized another thing. One of the reasons it was so hard for me to take the news that I need to to take a break is that I made this hobby so much a part of my identity the past year and a half. It has been my passion outside of raising a kid and going to work. So it’s not just losing the hobby temporarily, but also about not knowing who I am or what to do with myself.

It is also a little scary because I’ve gotten used to receiving a lot of validation for doing heavy lifting and sticking with it. People think it’s cool and they tell me so, often. Sometimes I fear that without it, I will become invisible.

I am still not really ready to give it up even for a short period. I plan on asking the physical therapist for loopholes. “I know I can’t do back squats, but want about front squats? Just at 50%? Please?”

It’s also disheartening because I have spent a year and a half building a solid routine that fits well into my life…..so, being told I need to refocus and do something else is very frustrating and disorienting.

Again, I’m handling it, logistically….and I also find it healthy and helpful to acknowledge the feelings along the way.

Today my friend at Outside of the Comfort Zone reached out and let me know she is in a similar place. It was really good to talk with a friend who could related to all these things.

Like this blog?

You can follow via email (on the right side of the screen if you are viewing on a desktop, or closer to the bottom (after the comments) if you are mobile.