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went to get his haircut today and a guy walks in WH swear me and the guy shared a look so after his cut was done walks up to the guys asks his name nods and walks away . Getting in the car he says to me I see you have wondering eyes . Wtf! I told him never seen the guy or met him . Then he follow with I wouldn't put it past you .... Wow

( he bases this off my past of me being involved with guys in our break up before marriage )

me_BW
him_WH

I'M ON THE FENCE

Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013

nowiknow23♀ 33226Member # 33226

Posted: 12:36 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013

Hurtz - he isn't crazy. He's insanely jealous and controlling. What you need to understand, truly internalize and process, is that your actions did not cause him to act like this. And furthermore? HE WILL NOT CHANGE this behavior without intensive therapy.

Are you really willing to live like this?

You can call me NIK

“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 28334 | Registered: Aug 2011

Jrazz♀ 31349Member # 31349

Posted: 12:37 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013

huRtZ413, every one of your posts about his "incidental" behaviors has made me want to scream at you to go find somewhere safe - away from him.

We want to give you the kind of support you're seeking, and maybe venting is all you feel you can do now, but I'd really like to see you surround yourself with some friends and family that you can feel safe and protected around.

I just feel like your WH's comments aren't light and angry, and his behavior at home scares the crap out of me for you.

What do you want/need to happen here?

(((huRtZ413)))

"All the wars, all the hatred, all the ignorance in the world come out of being so invested in our opinions. And at bottom, those opinions are merely our efforts to escape the underlying uneasiness of being human. - Pema Chodron

Posts: 20917 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California

Holly-Isis♀ 13447Member # 13447

Posted: 4:06 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013

You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of control and abuse with this guy. I would bet other affairs to "get even" for the ones he accuses you of.

What I see you post is a typical pattern. If you stay with him, it should only be under intense IC and MC.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11430 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo

huRtZ413♀ 39214Member # 39214

Posted: 7:01 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013

I know it sounds bad and it can be but know that I'm not just sitting and allowing it I don't defend myself and stop him in his tracks . He gets ridiculous yes but you'd have to know my background to get the full picture I don't let the behavior continue he may start but I always stop it before it gets too much. we are both unhappy about our situation and no I don't believe he seeks to get even but I do think he may think I seek to get even . I'm not one to keep my mouth shut so I give him a good run for his money. I have his mothers support because I have no family support as my mother let me go at 16 and sisters don't care to have contact with me so his family has been there and my WH has been there since . We fight yes ! But we make up . Then it's up and down but we do ok .

me_BW
him_WH

I'M ON THE FENCE

Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013

Holly-Isis♀ 13447Member # 13447

Posted: 8:21 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013

I was you at 23yo.

Married at 20. MrH had an online A our first year of M. While he was away with the military he made out with some chick, going under her bra...so heavy petting I guess.

When I decided to S at 25yo because the the verbal and borderline physical abuse he told me he was leaving and never coming back.

Like you, I let a man use me. I want as young and he wasn't as old but I only said yes because I felt worthless, unloviable and unwanted.

Even though we had legally S and MrH had gone NC with me, when he decided he did want the M, he considered that time cheating. Then had two As within a decade, justifying it in part to what I had done.

He verbally abused me and again, like you, I gave him hell back. Eventually the fight began to leave me. I had two kids to take care of and I felt pathetic.

Here I am, looking at turning 40yo in a matter of weeks. My entire M has been a fight one way or another and MrH hasn't pulled his wight relationship wise until recently. Only now because I have taken classes and IC and learned what abuse is. That I'm not crazy. That I don't deserve to be treated this way...and this way isn't even what it once was: what you describe. This way is simply a husband who appears to be loving, buys me gifts, holds my hand...but won't take time out of his day to seek my heart. To help me heal from his choices and actions.

After we talked to our pastor he told me I betrayed him. Ibetrayedhim. Like my IC said...I betrayed him by telling people what he did.

Like you, I was dumped out of my family as a teen. I wanted my first love to work out. Please don't be like me and hold on for decades telling yourself he's different. He's not that bad. Yeah- he can change. It's only worth it if he does it sooner rather than later and there's no need for him to change while he can dump on you.

Do you understand a M shouldn't be this? Shouldn't be him making you relive shameful, violating moments? Shouldn't be filled with false accusations? Shouldn't be a verbal and physical combat zone? That it doesn't have to be hitting to be abuse...holding you down on the bed counts.

Making excuses for him enables him to live in his behavior indefinitely. What about when he does this to kids you might have? My mom used to lie and say she saw me doing things then punish me...that's SO damaging. What happens for the next half a dozen decades?

Call you mental health center, local women's shelter...find out what abuse is and how to get help for yourself first. Find a codependent's group in your area: http://www.coda.org/

Don't accept this. When we make excuses, it's because we know its wrong behavior.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11430 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo

gonnabe2016♀ 34823Member # 34823

Posted: 9:04 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013

You know what, hurtz?

I didn't think that I was sitting and allowing Sultan's abuse either because I *did* speak up when I was unhappy about anything.

Guess what? I was. The guy emotionally abused the hell out of me right under my nose.

You, right now, are making concessions that you don't even realize you are making.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.