Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Resisting Resistance

“What you resist, persists.” --Carl
Jung

This quote has been playing in my head
for the past few days. I didn't even know where it came from. I am
sure I read it in some book or on Twitter at some point in the past
few years. It isn't even one I wrote down. (When I went to find it in
my quotations database – yes, I am just that geeky – I couldn't
find it so I had to turn, gasp!, to the internet.) But I've been
playing it like a favorite song in my head this week.

My son is getting better. At least I
think he is. He is complaining less about his stomach aches. He is
going to school. He is running around more and eating pretty well. He
is blaming me for pretty much everything. Have I mentioned the
blaming?

I am the pinnacle of all that is wrong
with the world right now. I cannot do anything right. If I give him a
gift, it is unwanted. If I give him a hug, it is shrugged off. If I
make a suggestion, it is rebuffed.

I have tried everything in my mom
arsenal. I have tried talking. I have tried asking questions. I have
tried doling out consequences. I have tried ignoring. And, yes, I
have even tried yelling. All to no avail. I am still to blame for
life and everything shitty in it.

It feels like a window into the teenage
years.

But this week, this quote has helped me
get to a new and different place. A place of not resisting.

When he starts a diatribe about how
awful life is and how it is all my fault I do not resist. I don't
resist what he is saying; I just listen. I do not resist how he is
feeling; I let him feel. I do not resist how I am feeling; I let
myself feel.

It's really funny, but I can sense how
my not resisting his negative feelings is helping him. I am not sure
why. He no longer feels judged? He no longer feels wrong? He feels
more free to be himself? But I can feel it working.

And as I think about it, it makes total
sense. Life is hard. Bad things happen. Bad feelings come up. As a
parent we are so conditioned to keep our children safe. To make them
comfortable and happy. To meet their every need and to take care of
them. It is hard to realize that as they grow and mature this is no
longer our job.

As they grow and mature into pre-teens,
teenagers and young adults our job is more to guide than to direct.
More to love than to care for. And more to allow than to resist.

My job is changing and I need to change
with it. The problems my son is facing and will be facing over the
next ten years cannot be fixed with a hug and a band aid. The
problems he is facing now are the beginnings of the adult problems he
will face for the rest of his life.

If I resist this fact I stunt his
growth and I get in his way. If I keep him from feeling the feelings
he needs to feel, I keep him from learning the things he need to
learn. And that is not my job.

I need to stop resisting the fact that
my little boy – my onetime baby – is on his way to somewhere I
cannot always go with him. The sooner I do, the better off we'll both
be and, hopefully, the closer we will remain.