Dear DA, Things may look great for me from the outside, but I need help. I’m not really yellow, or at least I wasn’t born yellow. I have severe gout. 90% of my body is basically crystallized urine. I became famous in 1996 and I was way too young to handle it. Can you imagine being an 18 or 19-year-old kid who suddenly has millions of dollars? I’m surprised I’m not dead. The drinking, partying, drugs, whores. God do I miss the whores. The doctors told me I’d have renal failure within a year if I kept it up, but what did they know? I was young, man. I thought I was invincible. The king of the world! Of course, I had renal failure. By now, I’ve been through half a dozen kidneys. When you’re a star like me, you’re a commodity and living right next door to China, it… Read more

Dear DA, I’m a moviestar thanks to the Netflix documentary Behind the Curve and I’m practically a hero now. A brave, reluctant hero who had the guts to blame being a virgin on the entire world being rigged against him. It’s all a scam, man! For every kid who was ever told that 3 times 5 doesn’t equal 19 or that Columbus didn’t ride a wooly mammoth when he discovered Australia or that girls don’t have cooties, Mark K. Sargent is there to say why not? Flat earth theory is the “fun” conspiracy theory. We sing songs about the earth being flat and mock the ancient Greeks who somehow managed to discern more about the nature of reality with twigs and wells than we can with 21st century technology. Everything that disagrees with us, like pictures of the earth taken from outer space that literally show that the earth is… Read more

Dear DA, I’ve lived a long, happy life and all I had to do was dress up as Chewbacca every other decade or so. I didn’t even have to talk or grunt. All of those Chewbacca noises are combinations of lions, bears, and a constipated George Lucas trying to squeeze one out. You know that sad, resigned little wail Chewbacca does? That’s George when he looks down into the toilet bowl after straining for two hours and sees a turd about the size and consistency of a brown M&M. Another bit of Star Wars trivia: George played the black Ewok, and he sometimes filled in for Kenneth George Baker when the R2D2 can got too hot. Kenneth told me he sometimes found little brown M&Ms in there afterward, they were a bit melted but free chocolate is free chocolate. I never had the heart to tell him. Dying is never… Read more

Dear DA, I know I’m old and tired and not very “woke,” but I’m probably about as good as it’s going to get for the American people right now, so I’m throwing my hat into the ring or the election or whatever the hell it is. What I mean to say is that I’m running for president, and I think I have decent shot. They way I see it, after a black guy like Obama, having a woman right after him was just too much. They, or I guess, “we,” needed a sleazy, crazy, old white guy to restore the balance of whatever the hell defines this country. Beer, guns, lesbians, I don’t know. I’m old. And that’s kind of the point. Most of us living today are used to old white guys being president, just one old white fart after another, year after year, decade after decade. It barely… Read more

Dear DA, It’s me, Pope Francis, your infallible representative here on earth. I think it’s safe to say I’m the best Pope ever, or at the very least the second best, right behind the Beatle Pope of the 80s, Pope John Paul Ringo II. What a Pope! Anyway, down to brass tacks. We all know that women can’t be priests. The church has spoken. It’s kind of strange for me to base my answer on what the church says, since I am the church! I love screaming that line at people. It’s like Emperor Palpatine sneering “I am the senate!” or Judge Dredd growling “I am the law!” That’s kind of how I see myself, like a combination of Emperor Palpatine and Judge Dredd. I pull all the strings, and am judge, jury, and executioner all in one. Priests can be married, but Bishops must remain celibate. Why? Because I… Read more

Dear DA, I play Major League Baseball for the Baltimore Orioles, so you’ve probably never heard of me, and if you have, well, it’s probably because I kind of stink lately. I’m in an 0 for 53 slump, which is historically bad. Like literally historically the worst ever except for pitchers, but pitchers aren’t really people. They’re actually more like fascists or monsters, unholy sub-human monsters who keep throwing baseballs at me really hard, and I can’t hit them. I’m powerless to hit them. They won’t bench me because they’re paying me too much. It’s great having all that money, but I really wish they’d just bench me. The best part of playing baseball is all the sitting involved. This is why I chose baseball over more demanding sports like ping pong or dominos. I really need some help, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes. My soul, my… Read more

Dear DA, This scandal with rich actors buying their kids’ ways into college, I think it’s just shameful. The thought of these kids getting into schools they don’t deserve to, and then getting better jobs they don’t deserve afterwards, and then doing the same for their kids, and on and on it goes, from one spoiled generation to the next, each one more out of touch with reality than the last, protected from the “normals” by the gilded walls of their gated communities, it just makes me want to spit venom with rage. The people I feel most sorry for are the children. How will these kids ever know if they earned anything based on their own merit, or whether daddy or mommy just greased the wheels for them? As the smoking hot daughter of a billionaire, I know I earned everything the hard way, through good old-fashioned grit and… Read more

Dear DA, I’m Derek Jeter’s spiritual successor, and those are big shoes to fill. Thankfully, I’m literally a monster. I’m almost seven feet tall and weigh nearly 300 pounds, so I’m naturally calm and confident around “normals.” People say I remind them of Jeter with the way I carry myself, and they’re right. I’m a genuinely nice, decent, open guy. The problem is that I’m hungry all the time. I was signing a kid’s glove yesterday and for a split second, I had an overwhelming desire to pick him up and eat him. I talked to CC Sabathia about this, he’s a veteran and a champion and a lot of us younger guys look up to him. He’s also enormous just like me. I thought he’d be able to help me, but he has the exact same problem. He was signing some fan’s baby (some fans are weird) and told… Read more

Dear DA, Once I again, I’m the victim of the patriarchy. It’s ageism, pure and simple. They say I’m too young and I don’t know anything, but I’ve learned a few tricks from them. You may have noticed my new “glasses girl” look. Men are all perverts. If you’re a cute girl, anything you do is a fetish. If I ate a banana, I’d be “banana girl.” As “glasses girl”, I’m a double-whammy. I look smarter, and I’m also a fetish. People are pretty stupid to begin with, but if you sexually distract them, they become dumber than marionettes. As myself, I’m already a force to be reckoned with, but as “glasses girl”, I just might be unstoppable. Also, can you believe the nerve of that bitch Laura Ingraham trying to tell me how to pronounce my own fucking name? I’m not some pretentious hipster saying “Barthelona” instead of “Barcelona”,… Read more

Aries One of your exes used to wear wigs sometimes. It seems ridiculous, but it tricks your lizard brain into thinking “new female.” You’ve probably heard about the studies showing that your brain can’t really tell the difference between porn and reality, except for porn being better in every way except for the acting. It’s true. The magic parts of your brain light up just as if you were having sex with a real person, but the “you” part of your brain gets depressed right after you cum. Adorable Aries: Saoirse Ronan Taurus The only real freedom or privacy any of us have left is between our ears, and ewww–no thank you. That stuff doesn’t belong anywhere. You wish the police could actually go in there and clean it up, but it would have to be robot police, and even then, it would be embarrassing. But take heart. Everyone has… Read more