Ted Nugent to Head Homeland Security

Washington, D.C. - Frustrated by mounting criticism over his failure to appoint a Secretary of Homeland Security, President George W. Bush announced this morning that he would name gonzo rocker Ted Nugent to the post.

"The Nuge was really my first choice for the job," said the president. "The only reason I appointed that other fella was because Rudy wouldn't stop whining about it."

That "other fella," Bernard B. Kerik, was forced to withdraw his name from consideration last month after it had been discovered that he had not paid taxes for a domestic worker he employed-and that he had conducted simultaneous extramarital affairs with half the New York Jets cheerleaders.

"Rudy," of course, is former New York City mayor and skull-ring model Rudolph Giuliani, for whom Kerik, 49, once served as personal chauffeur and bootlick. Sources close to the White House confirmed that Giuliani had made "a real nuisance of himself" with his persistent phone calls, e-mails, text messages, and faxes on Kerik's behalf. Giuliani, who is employed in the presidential motor pool in Crawford, Texas, could not be reached for comment.

Nugent, 55, who prefers to be known as "The Whackmaster," was busy gutting deer on his Michigan game preserve, the Bambi House, when he took the president's call. "I'm ready to lock and load whenever the big guy gives the word," said Nugent. "The Whackmaster is the man for the job when it comes to harvesting terrorists."

Nugent said that if he is confirmed, one of his first moves will be to reinstate the pigeon shoot in Hegins, Pennsylvania, as a fundraiser for antiterrorist groups.

Although Nugent's appointment was greeted with shots of delight by the National Rifle Association and other weapons-carrying groups, some Washington insiders predict the choice will misfire. Indeed, The Whackmaster does have a tendency to go off half cocked. He once said that Latino immigrants who don't speak English should "swim back where they came from."

He also paid $75,000 to avoid a trial after he had remarked during a radio interview that animal rights activist Heidi Prescott was "a worthless whore from New York who's never held a legal job in her life and doesn't even know the meaning of the word 'heterosexual.'"

Asked why the president would appoint such a controversial figure to lead homeland security, White House press secretary Scott McClellan reminded reporters that the president had a mandate to remake the government "any damn way he chooses. Besides, the only thing that terrorists understand is fear, and the Nuge strikes fear in a lot of people's hearts."

Delaware Senator Joseph Biden laughed when he was asked to comment on McClellan's remark. "Bush appointed Nugent for no better reason than the fact that Nugent once gave the president a bow-and-arrow set. I suspect the president also likes the fact that Nugent, unlike [departing homeland security chief] Tom Ridge, had found a way of staying out of Vietnam."

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