The Kweendom of Abstraction

betrayal

Well, the bottom line is that I THOUGHT he was the one, but he wasn’t. Duh…isn’t that almost always the case after we’ve broken up with someone and moved on? Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

I met him on a social site and maintained a VERY long distance “relationship” for about 2 1/2 years. Never meeting…never consummating the love…always waiting. He swept in at first…a confidante. Eventually, a bond sparked and we were up all night talking and laughing until we fell asleep. (Eventually, it became clear that I wasn’t the only one he did these things with). He was good…

In spite of the things I found out about that brought our time to a close…he taught me some things. He was someone who helped me come out of my shell. He helped me be less fearful and more open to showing people who I am. His charms, concern and humor made me want more of him. The dude had a dynamic and addictive personality…but, I often in the end found myself wondering how much of him was the real him and not the persona he wanted to put forward. He always said that people sent their “representatives” on dates and in the beginning of relationships…and now, I see he was talking about himself.

Marriage was proposed, a powerful life of love was promised…but ultimately it became wisps in the wind. I often times wished he would’ve just asked to be my friend and not perpetrate a relationship that he wasn’t capable of at the time. I wanted to marry him, have a kid or two with him and show him that love didn’t suck like pro hoes. Yet, he showed ME that procrastination and secrets are the killer of dreams and time’s potential.

I sometimes wonder if he and I will ever have the conversation I believe we need to have. That convo that is honest and raw, uncut and truthful, lacking in fear of rejection and without blame. I could’ve lived (and have) with his not wanting me. Hey, to each his own right? What I COULDN’T deal with is being led down a path of delusion and exclusion (of his real life and intentions). He could’ve spared me that heart break. His actions cut deep.

All I know…is that I loved him more than anyone I’ve laid eyes on. Crazy right? Not so much. I believe that how people in LD relationships connect is as real a way to connect as meeting in person. There are little to no hang-ups about physicality. Getting trapped off by lustful yearnings because of what one looks like is a top misleading way people confuse love with other things. I am not ashamed that I loved him in this way. What I wish, is that before I’d given my heart, emailed it and sealed it with an e-kiss…that he would’ve told me that I wasn’t the one…

It’s the phrase most spoken when a couple breaks up. I’m not sure if the one speaking this even believes it’s possible. I’m almost certain that in most cases, this phrase is spoken so that they can allay their own feelings of guilt for breaking up with someone. Or perhaps they’re hoping that the person won’t be upset with them and that the “friendship” will give them a “free-to-return” card.

That’s it…

The friendship card…is played to keep the avenues of opportunity open. When someone breaks up due to dissatisfaction or boredom…they don’t want to cut ties altogether. It’s almost like they’re breaking up with the person to 1) Give the other party a chance to get their shit together…2) Punish them (which is a more malignant form of #1) 3) They’re too punk-assed to say I’m done with you completely, so they offer the person “visitation rights” to their company and 4) They ACTUALLY believe they CAN be friends. *guffawing*

Okay, so in SOME instances, friendship between estranged lovers CAN happen. In my own experience, it takes time though. You can’t hop RIGHT into the friendship. If you’re trying to maintain an active friendship daily with someone you were madly in love with 2 days before…er, um…hell nah. That’s you (and them) holding onto the relationship…hoping for a things to get better under the threat of ending things. It’s denial…full-fledged denial.

No one wants to start over…

No one wants to go through the preliminaries again. Getting to know someone from square one. The niceties are a breeze. The sweet nuances that bring love to the surface, sourced from the butterflies in your belly. That’s easy. The hard part is learning to let go again. Knocking down the walls, the etiquette, rules of engagement.

Right? Isn’t that list of “things” the many things that a lot of us try to keep from showing the new love in the beginning? I mean, I don’t care HOW real deal you think you are…ladies NOR gents gets off with a SWEET “dutch oven” or an out of left-field “Where were you?”…without a side eye. ESPECIALLY if you’ve only been out a few times. You want to gain their endearment, their adoration and affections before you destroy the bathroom for the first time.

Also, no one wants to open themselves up rawly to the risk of hurt. Getting hurt IS the risk we take when opening ourselves to love…but, a lot of people would rather rumble with the devil they know than the devil they don’t. Who wants to put themselves out there again just to create a pattern of losing battles? No one wants to find out it’s THEM that is the recurring theme in a long line of bad relationships. No one wants to look in the mirror and be the unworthiness…that stigma…that comes with failed love lives. Ask Halle Berry, she is living testimony.

Regardless…because of these things and more idiosyncrasies…we often hold onto relationships that are often under the guise of friendship. Emphasis on the word “guise”.

Truth is…if your relationship ended due to the strain of betrayal, indifference, cruelty and lies…what kind of “friend” would they be? To me, the guidelines of friendship and love relationships are damn near the same. I apply almost the same standards to my girls that I do a man of interest (accept the sex and stuff). I actually hold my friends to HIGHER standards just because I understand how easy it is for men to lose focus.* My girls? Nah…I expect them to go to the mat for me just as I would for them. Friends are chosen family and that responsibility shouldn’t be taken lightly. My love? I expect him to do the same, but the truth is that men and women’s weaknesses to each other are way different than their same-sex friendships. You WILL most likely forgive an infidelity by a lover at least once in this lifetime, before you’d forgive the betrayal of a friend. Story short: Friends are supposed to have your back when all else fails and everyone else is gone…if your friend doesn’t do that, then why would you want to keep them around? Even if you found a way to forgive your friend, the friendship is never the same…so, why would you want to immediately transition an ex into a friend when they have no concept of true friendship? (Seeing as the best love relationships begin with the best friendships). Someone who can’t fathom the vulnerability, trust and honesty that goes into friendship can’t possibly muster up those same qualities for a relationship. The only incentive for them is the sexual intimacy that comes with it.

As I was reflecting one day…confiding in a friend…I said to her, “I’m pissed at him because he destroyed our friendship…we could’ve salvaged that if nothing else…but he took the whole ship down.”

Well, no…it couldn’t be salvaged. Not as it stood…not in that moment. I believe with time and forgiveness, a friendship can be cultivated again…but, only if it began that way. You need time and PLENTY of space or else, you’re not getting over them properly. Their presence as “friend” is really a security blanket and therefore no one is moving on…well, at least not EVERY one. He couldn’t be my friend again, because he wasn’t my TRUE friend from the beginning. He kept key information about himself from me, he put me in dramatic situations with other females (aka played them against me so that I wouldn’t know what he was telling them on the side) and he didn’t trust me with his heart…not really. That’s the important part…trust.

So, If you weren’t a good friend…then you’re probably not gonna make a good mate…and back again.

Friends nor lovers….treat you badly.

*I have since changed my perspective. I have learned that one of the biggest reasons why men are such repeat offenders is because WE women excuse their behavior. I believe that if a man has dare to call me his friend before the courting, he should be held to the same EXACT standards as your same sex or platonic friends. Friendship is friendship…even after it’s burgeoned into a love relationship.

I don’t know y’all…this truth thing is getting serious. I don’t know how anyone can do this and not be raw dog honest. Maybe that speaks to who I am as a person (Thank God for His influence)…but, I can’t just say that I’ll tell the truth and then tiddlywink this challenge. So, I inhale and exhale as I form the courage to speak from the heart…

When I was with my ex of 8 1/2yrs…it didn’t take me long to forgive him for the hell he inflicted. He was an addict and having come from an addicted dad…I understood the disease. The forgiveness came from a place of understanding. I understood that he wasn’t lucid. He wasn’t always responsible for his own behavior due to being under the influence.

What’s the excuse for someone seemingly sober? I say seemingly, because I never laid eyes on him. I don’t know if he was an alcoholic or a drug addict or a sex addict or addicted to lie-telling. All I know is that I spent almost 3yrs waiting for him to make a move he never had intentions on making. Sure, he’ll say he did…but, actions are the definition of love…not words. Affection…the act or state of affecting (a verb), influencing, giving a display of emotion. This dude lied about his “love” for me. He lied about the ring he sent, the love he claimed, the time he promised, the life we planned…and guess what? I’m okay with that. I’m over the concept of being is woman, needing his love, expecting his presence.

I’m not quite sure I’ve forgiven him for the senselessness in which his lies were rooted. I always say, “We could’ve remained friends…” but, I know that friends don’t do what he did. Friends don’t pretend to love you and then play you against other women behind your back. Friends don’t DO what they’re doing…and then turn around and TRY to make you feel like it’s your “crazy” mind and not his crazy lies. I’m having a hard time with that one. Knowing what was going on in spite of his denial of such…was my comfort. To have him often accuse me of being “insecure” and “needing tangibility” (um…what the fuck? Yea…dude…you live in Alabama. I live in New York…damn right I want some tangibility. Were we going to get married via phone? Send our specimens to the lab and have test tube babies and mail them to and fro? Live in an e-home, take e-vacations and have e-sex?) was often a slap in my face.

Yea…just thinking about that stuff makes me shake my head. I don’t even hate him. I really don’t. There’s a space of love for him within my heart…right along side other humans I care for. I just wonder how a person could tell such intent and disruptive lies and smile in public like it’s okay. How can you dismantle someone’s heart and without conscience…turn around and try and convince them it’s their own fault? That seems cruel to me…which is something I’ll never wrap my mind around.

I’m almost there…but on a rough day, I feel like kicking the proverbial door in on someone’s life and exposing the truth of what he’s done.