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Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Enough, by M

This is my attempt at finally composing the blog that I intended to post sometime last week. My brain is still somewhat foggy and my heart continues to be somewhat heavy… we’ll see how well I do.

A couple of years ago I developed this totally bogus belief that the one thing I needed in life was a husband. Well, God and family and a husband. But I already had the first two, so I figured that there was just one thing left on my list that I needed to check off before I could feel like I had "arrived." I’m confident now that this squarely falls under the sin of idolatry (which violates the 1st of the 10 commandments, lest I think it’s not that big of a deal) but at the time it just seemed to make sense to me.

I carried this belief with me for years… thinking to myself that some picture-perfect existence awaited me on that magical "other side" of adulthood. All I needed was for that one person to choose me. I just wanted someone (definitely male and preferably handsome) to think that I was the best pick out of all the other women in the whole world. Once I had that, I’d be set. I’d be chosen and wanted and loved… what else do you need?

I harbored bitterness and envy towards my friends or acquaintances who had already found what I was looking for. I grew even more upset when I would hear them complain or see melodramatic facebook updates about how difficult their lives were. Again, I thought to myself "you’re married… how bad can it really be?"

Right now, however, I find myself in a funk… and it’s shattering the illusions that I have had about the mystical power of being "chosen." Because here I am… I have a wonderful boyfriend and a fantastic relationship (one that is increasingly headed towards marriage) and I’m still in this funk! I find that my sinful heart now wants to turn my 3-point list into a 4-point list. We get what we want… that thing we think we just desperately need… and something in our hearts says it’s not enough. We want more. Or is that just me? I don’t think so.

Now that I’ve gotten the guy, all of a sudden I’m desperate for "the job." Now, it seems that all my friends are moving on up in career world and getting their dream jobs and I’m just not. I should be celebrating the gift of my relationship and praising God for the infinite blessings He’s poured into my life… and instead I’m already back to bitterness and envy about that which I do not have. This is an ugly part of the human heart, isn’t it?

And yet, I’m reminded that our desire for more is the result of our design for more. Our Creator made us with longings that will be fulfilled… but only through Him and in the fullness of His presence. He has set eternity in the human heart… as such, can we ever be fully satisfied by only what this world can offer? I don’t think so.

So, I’m working on an attitude re-adjustment currently. I want to have a posture of praise for the blessings I’m aware of and the blessings I’m unaware of (as Job so eloquently puts it those "things too wonderful for me to know.") I’m working on recognizing my longing for more as God-given, and shifting my view of what will be "enough" away from my newest idol and towards our eternal home. Of course we want more… of course this life will never be enough for us. It is not where we belong.