Washington,
DC – Whoa, girl friends, are you sitting down? If not, pull up the floor
and pour yourselves another hot cup of Rocket Java because you’re gonna need
it before this gab session is over.

Secretary
of the U.S. Treasury, Hank “The Hammer” Paulson, and his faithful sidekick,
“Helicopter” Ben Bernanke, Chief of the Federal Reserve, stomped over to
Capitol Hill bright and early yesterday morning like a couple of college
kids reporting to their dorm mother that they have just discovered exactly
how their dormitory flush toilet works – and proclaiming they aren’t the
ones who broke it. The Dynamic Duo, “Hammer” and “Chopper,” are eager to
‘splain to the Senate Banking Committee why Congress needs to appoint “The
Hammer” as King of the United States so he can clean up all the toxic
derivatives floating around our economy with his trusty $700 billion bottle
of Liquid Plumber. Sidekick Bernanke, in this tragic comedy, is auditioning
for the Step-‘n-Fetch-It role of Toto in Paulson’s new Fascist Business
Model play called the Wizard of Oz.

Let’s
listen in to The Dynamic Duo’s comedic storyline pitched to the Senate
Banking Committee on Tuesday morning:

Paulson:
Uh, like, thank you, Senator Dodd (D-Conn), for inviting us here to pull off
our proposed coup d’etat of the United States of America. Please sign here
on the dotted line, give me my crown, thank you very much. Next, I’d like
to appoint my previous firm, Goldman Sachs, as Caretakers of America…

Dodd:
Excuse me, Mr. Hammer, but we have a few questions for you before we roll
over and assume the dying cockroach position, if you don’t mind, sir?

Paulson:
No problem, Senator. Shoot. Metaphorically, that is, ha-ha.

Dodd:
What is it, exactly, that you two Frick and Frack’s want from us up here on
Capitol Hill? We’re really busy. I got earmarks to insert and a plane to
catch.

Paulson:
We, “The Helicopter” and I, are proposing, with no hint of pretentiousness,
that Congress grant us Letters of Marque to suspend the U.S. Constitution
and Bill of Rights, burn the Federalist Papers, set fire to the Supreme
Court, buy up all the bad debt in the world, unclog our nation’s toilets,
and appoint me as King of the United States with my sidekick, Chief
“Helicopter” Ben of the central bank, as my official faithful servant Tonto,
I mean Toto, you know, the dog, not the Indian.

Dodd:
Appoint you as King of the United States to… do what, unclog all of our
toilets?

Paulson:
Yes sir.

Dodd:
Surely you jest. Isn’t that rather presumptuous? By the way, what’s in it
for me?

Paulson:
You get to help save the country, Lord Dodd, soon to be knighted Duke of
Washington-on-Potomac and granted half of New Jersey.

Dodd:
Really? So what makes you qualified to take over the governing of the
entire United States of America, Mr. Hammer?

Paulson:
The country is in dire straits, Lord Dodd. Our toilets are all stopped up,
nothing is flowing, nobody will lend anybody else any toilet paper, and Toto
and I have the only solution to clean up this stinking world. We are only
asking for, cough-cough, $700 billion, this time around, to buy up all the
flush toilets in the land, flush ‘em out, and get ‘em working again.

Paulson:
Yes, sir. And Japan’s, and England’s, and China’s, and South Korea’s, and
Russia’s, and… well, all the out houses from Antarctica to Zorro, if there
is such a place.

Dodd:
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Why don’t foreigners wipe their own butts and
clean up after themselves? How can we take this back to the voters and tell
them to finance the unclogging of other nations’ crappers?

Paulson:
Thank you for asking that important question, Lord Dodd. As I have
‘splained to you congenital idiots the last two hundred times I traipsed up
this Hill with my hand out, if France does business in the U.S., it’s the
U.S. taxpayer’s problem, too. Do they not make French Fries and French
Toast at Denny’s Restaurants? There you go. We will, of course, ask the
European Central Bank to send us their fair share of Liquid Plumber, too.

Dodd:
So, if we anoint you as King of America and blow $700 billion to re-flush or
unclog all the clogged up toilets of America, are you asking Congress to
continue to pay the CEOs of all the failed toilet companies their regular
$50 billion in annual salaries, bonuses, and free hookers?

Paulson:
Due to time constraints, Lord Dodd, like the market opens in ten seconds,
hurry, hurry, I suggest we don’t get into that discussion at this point in
our financial chronology. Rather than discuss minor details such as dumping
Habeas Corpus, the First Amendment, the Fourth Amendment, and other esoteric
philosophy such as the Bill of Rights, it is most important for you and The
Parliament of Whores here on Capitol Hill to anoint me as Dictator of
America as soon as possible and grant me $700 billion worth of Liquid
Plumber to squirt down every good citizen’s toilet and get our nation’s
toilets moving again, sir. Our nation depends on free-flowing toilets.

Dodd:
Is this $700 billion Liquid Plumber solution just to unclog our nation’s
toilets or are you going to come back for more juice if it doesn’t work?
Like will your Dictatorship unclog the fuel injectors on my Chrysler 300
HEMI and all the cars in this great land of freedom, too?

Paulson:
Oh, you bet, Lord Doddering. We demand, I mean suggest, that the very
esteemed members of this Parliament of Whores sign off on an unlimited scope
of funding for Liquid Plumber, Liquid Wrench, Goop hand cleaner, Simple
Green, Martial Law, Rations, Bank Holidays, free women, AK-47s, and Duct
Tape, sir.

Dodd:
Right, duct tape. OK, anybody here got any important questions for our new
King of America and his trusty sidekick, Harriet Helicopter?

Dodd:
Right, Mr. “Helicopter.” All in favor of anointing our former Sec of
Treasury, Mr. Ball Peen “Hammer,” aka Hanky Panky Paulson, as King of the
United States of America, roll over, assume the dying cockroach position,
and quack like a duck.