Monthly Archives: August 2014

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Not sure what happened but suddenly I have this craving, craving, craving, wanting to run, well, drink, and hide. And I don’t want to fight it. That is dangerous.

What happened? Tomorrow happened: tomorrow is Monday and I need to get going with my life. I’ve stayed indoor 7 days to get me past the first days. Hardly been in contact with anybody. Tomorrow I have to start dealing with the shit I left laying around. Paying bills, paying the tax office (already overdue). I still have money, but no income and pretty large costs. It’s only bills, the money is there but it feels like I need to fix me tomorrow. I don’t want to be broken.

I am so ashamed that I let myself go from successful and reasonable rich to unsuccessful and struggling to pay bills. Reading Nakken I realise that I there is so much work to do. As I ‘felt my way’ through Jason Vale’s book it helped me make internal decisions against alcohol. For every trap he explained I checked how it connected to me, cut the energetic bond and sealed the entry so I could finally not drink. I am glad I did that book first. If I would have started with Nakken when drinking it is my guess I would have doubled my intake. Heavy shit.

Reading Nakken’s ‘Addictive personality’ tears open this whole dark internal world of unprocessed pain, loneliness, self loathing, lack of trust, lack of guidance and mostly incompetence in connecting with people. The addictive patterns he shows have been going on from a very early age in my life. I identify them as my base position. Not sure if that’s the word, and he uses other words, but to me it is the position from which I interact with the world. That hurts. I do not want to be like that. I want to be true. And hope to become whole. I guess it hurts most because he says it’s going to take years to unravel, undo and build up again. But hey, I want it all and I want it now.

Feel like a caddis, cleaning but scared to chuck away the empty booze bottles. 🙂 I still have half a glass of wine standing in the kitchen. It is the bottom half of my last glass of alcohol. I couldn’t finish it anymore because of the brainwashing I was giving myself when drinking the last night. It has these little flies in it now, and fungy. It’s a good reminder of things gone and natural process. Wonder when I will throw that out. And what I’ll do if somebody walks in. Gheghegheghe.

I used to have this exciting life and be filled with all kinds of emotions. Every evening I would drink till I ran out of booze, cry along side with it, go to bed, be afraid to or hope to never wake up, fall into this coma, dream stupid stuff, wake up feeling a bit off, eat my way through the day and be absolutely unsuccessful at anything I tried – and feel guilty about that.

In the last 5 months you can add fear, panic, loss of hope, darkness and suicide thoughts to this list. I would have daily, hourly, feelings of guilt about drinking, eating, not cleaning, not working, not taking care of myself and not living my life. I would lie to my friends and family about why I am not successful anymore and all in all it would take up about 98% of my life’s energy. All these emotions… and now I don’t have that anymore.

Bored now.

Soooo bored, that I had this awfully boring dream last night and then in order to share (?) with somebody how boring it was I complained about it. And ended up dreaming it a SECOND TIME!!!! Ieeeeeks! It is not fair.

Yesterday I learned a shitload, even got to doing stuff because living in the blog world is almost as addictive as drinking to me. Man, I should be rewarded.

This whole booze thing is so much behind me that I dreamed that I drank a beer and then somebody said ‘hey, hadn’t you stopped drinking?’ And I had forgotten ALL about it! If that doesn’t proof how far I’ve come?!

Freed myself of the booze. Most likely there are steps ahead but I don’t have to worry because I am here and not ahead. And then I turned to the internet. Had all these plans where I would be cleaning my house and now I’ve stepped head first in the online sobriety blog world.

I just threw an I-tjing on this. I-tjing is an oracle. It gives answers to questions, or confirms hopes or fears. It’s tricky.

I-Tjing said in short: The sun is rising, this is the sign of progress, this is how the honourable man does himself credit. Yeah! That would be me, that would be me! 🙂

I-Tjing said next: ‘Stand vast, don’t exert influence in the outside world. Words will have no effect. Just be strong, don’t talk.’

And, that exactly confirms my doubts on blogging. Get away from The Machine. Read, walk, yoga, clean. Get the other parts of the addiction out of your system as well! It has done a great job already: I know that there are others out there. I am not the only one in the world quitting. I should get back to living. Let’s see if I can cut down to a few hours a day. That would be new. Add some social contacts back into my new life mix. Let’s see how it goes.

Part of this post is a reply to a reader. Currently reading some more in my new book ‘The addictive personality’ from Craig Nakken. Jason Vale was about the alcohol part of an addiction. I know now alcohol is bad, which is why I don’t drink it. I can’t make more of it.

This book is about the addiction part of the addicted person. To some of you that have had addiction treatment this book may be yesterday’s news but I’m doing this sort of on my own and found every sentence from the first say 11 pages quote worthy.

I have bought the book because I have always thought, even from a very young age that I have this character structure that gets addicted to everything possible. There’s this German saying ‘Je länger, je lieber’. Which means something like: the more the better but with loads of yearning in it. I’ve had that all my life. My mother could read me the same book 10 – 20 times over while my brother never, ever reads a book twice. He once went nuts when I put a CD on repeat. Which surprises me because I had been listening to it for 2 months in a row already… I can eat the same dish 2 weeks in a row because I can’t get enough of it. Actually, before I quite I ate one dish 9 months everyday for breakfast and lunch, recipe will follow.

At age of 14 I went from not smoking to 15 per day in one week. I have drunk 3 litres of cola per day for at least a year, 1 to 2 litres in the years before that. I combined that with at least 2 litres of strong black tea per day if it were not five. And of course 3 litres of beer. Note to self: get kidneys checked. Same with everything. I can wear the same clothes for a month onwards because I like them (I do wash them if you care to know). I have bought the same black t-shirt for 20 years in a row now, adjusting sizes from XS to XL as I drank more and got fatter. And if I don’t get the things that I like, that specific cheese, rice crackers with cheese and marmite, a specific stock in my chicken soup I get irritated. Part of it has to do with being hypoglycaemic, blablablabla. And blaaaaablablablaaaaa.

Writing this down is ok, reading it back is quite overwhelming. Starting to become aware of the bullshit in me. Ooooh, the powers that are within. Did I really do all that? This is one of the parts where I think I am weird. I guess that’s a justified feeling then. And I think I cover it up with righteousness, decisiveness and projecting security outwardly in a rather aggressive way. ‘Don’t come near me, don’t touch me, don’t disturb the brittle safety that I hold within.’

Yesterday I wrote: ‘To me it feels like I have a tendency to structurally replace something for something. Not sure what the somethings in this equation are, apart from the drinking, of course :-D.’ Today I read that addicts replace intimacy with excitement and try to nurture themselves with an addiction that finally gives the sense of omnipotence, amongst others. Yes. That would be me. And the addiction also numbs the real feelings allowing the addict NOT to deal with the life issues that are. Then pain turns into despair and the shit hits the fan.

They say with detoxing from alcohol there may be some nausea. I’m only getting that now when reading this book. What have I done to myself? And I would really like to jump over the grief to the ‘I’m so glad I stopped’. And maybe, just to get me through the day, I will do that. Trap, trap. Ubuntu, girl, ubuntu. Have mercy, have mercy. Crying. This is me, and this is what happened. All the bullshit that I carry around, what a weight.

Realising something: I put up all these walls. I was thinking of using the same move to keep booze out. But booze is already out. No worries. Not going back.

Looking inside now. The rigidity does not help me cope with things, it makes it so that there is no movement, fluidity, suppleness, or how you call it in me. Makes it hard to breathe and when breathing it does not bring life. Focussing now on the energetic walls around me and the effort I put in to them. Letting go and focussing on the intention I have to bring them back up, very visible all now. Shit, coming of the booze gives me so much ability to learn! It’s almost as strong as a ayahuasca trip. Learning, learning, feeling my way back into life. 🙂

Despair, mourning. My gods, have I wasted so much energy, time, life, cut myself off so badly? So cut off. MAMAAAAAA!!! Why hast thou forsaken me? Why have I forsaken me?

This world, my world (?) seems to lack a spiritual mother. Not sure what that means.

Flashes, flashes of history coming by. Moving house at 8 years old, totally new environment, alienation, been beaten up by best friend day before. Lost, no place to go. Walls beginning to build. Powerless because it was all decided for me. Strange because I left, strange because I was new and did not speak nor understand the dialect which was found to be strange, dangerous. And I? ‘I will keep you out because you keep me out!’ Threat, fear, anger. Where is Yoda when you need him? Breathe, relax and drink water.