[to Gru; searches her purse and takes out a lipstick-shaped stun gun] You know, you really should announce your weapons after you fire them, Mr. Gru. For example, [shocks Gru with the stun gun, dropping his freeze ray in reaction to it; in a happy singsong voice] Lipstick tazer! [Gru passes out]

[to Gru] Just between you and me, you look much better bald. [gives Gru a kiss on one of his cheeks before happily running off] See you tommorrow!

[after being asked about transferring to Australia] Well, it's not definite yet. Still figuring it out. Already been working on my accent. [Australian accent] Wallaby. Didgeridoo. Hugh Jackman.

[after hallucinating about Gru on the plane; excitedly] I choose Gru!

[to Gru; while tied to a rocket; calmly at first] Don't worry about me, Gru, I'll be fine! I have survived lots worse than this. Okay, that's not entirely true [switching from calmly to frantically], I'm actually kind of freaking out up here!

[to Gru] We are the Anti Villain League, an ultra secret organization dedicated to fighting crime on a global scale. Rob a bank? We're not interested. Kill someone? Not our deal. But you want to melt the polar ice caps? Or vaporize Mount Fuji? Or even [points his tea spoon at Gru] steal the moon? Then we notice.

[confidently; to Gru and Lucy] She kisses my boo-boos, she braids my hair. We love you mothers everywhere, and my new mom Lucy is beyond compare. [receives a outstanding applause and jumps in Lucy's arms]

[consoling Gru] Gru, please. I know that look all too well. It is the look of a broken heart. I, too, have spent many nights, trying to drown my sorrows in guacamole. But we are survivors. There's much more to us than meets the eye, hm?

[noticing his restaurant was broken into; in a serious tone] Somebody's going to die tonight...

[trying to convince Gru to join him in his evil scheme] I have admired your work for years, amigo. Stealing the moon? Are you kidding?! We would be unstoppable! Men like you, men like me; we should be ruling the world!

Silas: [seeing a lab being stolen; sighs heavily] Three weeks, and we are still no closer to cracking this? [pause] Right! [referring to Gru; to Lucy] Bring him in.

Lucy: Yes, sir.

Gru: [grilling; on the phone] No, no, no! What do you mean, she’s not coming?! I have a backyard full of these little girls who are counting on a visit from a fairy princess! [a Minion accidentally hits his shin with a mace] Ah! Hurts! Ah! Stop it! [chases him off with his spatula; sighs before getting back on the phone] Listen! I don’t want a refund! I want a fairy princess... please! Please, I am begging you. [pauses] You know what? I hope that you can sleep at night, you crusher of little girls’ dreams! [hits the phone with his spatula and hangs up]

Agnes: [approaches him] Oo, oo, when is the fairy princess coming?

[Silence]

Gru: [in a happy singsong voice] Any minute now.

[pause]

Agnes: Yay! [run off]

Gru: [to the Minions; quietly] Stall them!

[during Agnes’ birthday party]

[Agnes looks up the disguised Gru, and sighs with admiration]

Gru: [in a bad falsetto] It is I, Gru… zinkerbell, the most magical fairy princess of all! [Agnes gasps with surprise and then excitement]And I am here to wish Princess Agnes a very happy birthday! [Throws a handful of fairy dust]

Little Girl: [raises her hand] How come you’re so fat?

Gru: [in a bad falsetto] Because… my house is made of candy, and sometimes, I eat instead of facing my problems!

Little Girl: How come you have... [Gru cuts her off; coughs]

Gru: [in normal voice] Okay, time for cake!

[All children, except Agnes, run to the table]

Agnes: Thank you, Gruzinkerbell. You’re the best fairy princess ever.

Gru: [smiling; in a bad falsetto] You are welcome, little girl.

Agnes: [runs off, but quickly returns; whispering] I know it’s really you, Gru. I’m just pretending for the other kids.

Gru: [dryly] I'm sorry. I did not see you there. [sprays her again] Or there. [drops the hose and walks away holding the palette, chuckling softly]

[After the party, Gru takes Kyle outside. Unbeknownst to both of them, they are being watched]

Gru: Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, no! Do not do your business on the petunias! [picks Kyle and drops him in the yard next door] There you go, those are Fred's. Go crazy. [Kyle does his business, killing the plant; chuckles sinisterly] Good boy.

Lucy: You know, you really should announce your weapons [takes a tube of lipstick out of her purse] after you fire them, Mr. Gru. For example, [presses a button on the tube, two barbs shoot into Gru, who drops his freeze ray when he is filled with electricity; in a happy singsong voice] Lipstick tazer! [Gru convulses, dances disco, and finally passes out due to the shock] Oh, it works so good.

Silas: Good afternoon, Mr. Gru.

Gru: [weakly] Yeah...

Silas: I apologize for our methods of getting you there.

Lucy: I don't! I'd do it again in a heartbeat! And I am not gonna lie, I enjoyed that. Every second of it. Gave me a bit of a buzz, actually...

Silas: [interrupts Lucy] That's enough, Agent Wilde.

Lucy: Sorry, sir.

Gru: Okay, this is bogus! [peels the starfish off his head and drops it onto Stuart's, who is made fun by Dave a second later] I don't know who you people think you are, but...

Silas: We are the Anti-Villain League. An ultra-secret organization dedicated to fighting crime on a global scale. Rob a bank? We're not interested. Kill someone? Not our deal. But if you want to melt the polar ice caps? Or Vaporize Mount Fuji? Or even [points his golden tea spoon at Gru] steal the moon? Then we notice.

Gru: First of all, you got no proof that I did that. Second, after I did do that, I put it back!

Lucy: Oh, me now? [turns to the screen, which reveals the crime being commited earlier at the beginning] Um, recently an entire top secret lab disappeared from the Artic Circle. Yeah, the entire lab. Just whoosh. Voom. Gone. Where did it go?

Gru: [uninterested] I don't care.

Lucy: Hmm, the lab was devoted to experiments involving PX-41. A transmutation serum. What is PX-41, you ask? Mmm, It's pretty bad... Look.

[One of the scientists on the monitor injects a bunny with PX-41 serum. Once he does, Gru, Dave and Stuart lightly wince with disgust, but become interested once they see the injected bunny mutate into a purple monster. But when the mutated bunny attacks the scientist, threatening to kill him, Dave and Stuart pass out in shock once seeing this while Gru covers his eyes with his arms until the mutant attacks the camera and the video ends.]

Gru: [opens his eyes] Huh, you usually don't see that in bunnies.

Silas: As you can see, in the wrong hands, the PX-41 serum, could be the most devastating weapon on Earth. [struggles to get through a table opening] Fortunately, it has a very distinct chemical footprint. And, using our latest chem tracking technology, we have found traces of it in Paradise Mall.

Gru: [scoffs] A mall?

Silas: Precisely. And we believe one of these shop owners is a master criminal. And that's where you come in. As an ex-villain, you know how a villain thinks, how a villain acts.

Lucy: The plan is to set you up undercover at a shop in the mall where hopefully...

Gru: [cuts her off] Okay! I see where this is going, with all the Mission Impossible stuff, but no. No! [calmly] I'm a father now. And a legitimate business man. I am developing a line of delicious jams and jellies.

Silas: [laughs mockingly] "Jams and jellies"?

Gru: Oh, attitude! That's right! So thanks, but no thanks. [pauses] And here's a tip: Instead of tazing people and kidnapping them, [angrily] maybe you should just give them a call! Good day, Mr. Sheepsbutt!

Silas: [calmly] Ramsbottom.

Gru: [chuckles; sarcastically] Yeah, like that's any better.

[At night, Gru just came home from the AVL, carrying the sleeping Agnes on his shoulders, and enters the girls' bedroom]

Gru: [whispers] Hey, I told you guys to get to bed.

Margo: Oh, sorry.

Edith: [making a drawing] So when ya goin' on your date?

Gru: What?

Edith: Remember? Miss Jillian said she was arranging a date for you.

Gru: [referring to Jillian] Yeah, well, she is a nut job and I'm not going on any date.

Edith: Why not? [hangs from her bed ladder] Are you scared?

[Gru stands still of what Edith said to him; a flashback reveals an eight-year old Gru on a playground when in elementary school, holding a flower behind his back]

Lisa: [to her friends] Hey, did you guys see the moon landing on TV?

Girls: Yeah, I can’t believe it. It’s so cool...

Lisa: Yeah, and you know what...

Young Gru: [approaches them] Excuse me, Lisa?

Lisa: [not paying attention] I was talking to Billy the other day.

Girls: No way.

Lisa: And I think he likes me.

Young Gru: [clears his throat; nervous] Hey Lisa, I was wondering if you... [taps his finger on her shoulder]

[Everyone runs back inside in response, screaming; the young Gru remains on the playground, disappointed]

Gru: [comes out of his flashback] Scared? Of what? Women?! [chuckles] No! That's bonkers! I just... I've no interest in going on a date! That's all! Case closed! I am not scared of women... or dates... Let's go to bed. Good night, Edith. [gives a goodnight kiss to Edith] Good night, Margo. [gives a goodnight kiss to Margo, but returns] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold the horses. Who are you texting?

Margo: No one. Just my friend Avery.

Gru: Avery. [confused] Eh? Avery? Is that a girl’s name or a boy’s name?

Margo: [confused] Does it matter?

Gru: No. No, it doesn’t matter unless it’s a boy!

Agnes: I know what makes you a boy.

Gru: [concerned] Uh...oooh...you...do?

Agnes: Your bald head.

Gru: [relieved] Oh, yes...

Agnes: [creates an imaginary line with her hands around the head of a temporarily confused Gru] It’s really smooth. Sometimes I stare at it, and imagine a little chick popping out. [imitates a little chick] Peep-peep-peep.

Gru: Good night, Agnes. [gives her a kiss on the forehead] Never get older. [leaves the girls' bedroom and turns off the lights]

Dr. Nefario: I’ve developed a new formula which allowed me to get every known kind of berry into one flavor of jelly.

Gru': [sticks his finger in and tastes the goo; disgusted] That tastes good... [gags] Love the flavor of that...

Dr. Nefario: It’s horrible, isn’t it?

Gru: No! No! Oh, we’re making great progress! [to the Minions] Here, try some off this. [hands the jar to a Minion, who tastes it but gags, handing it over to another, who tastes it and scrapes the jelly off his tongue before smashing the jar and all Minions run away] Whoa... okay, just because everybody hates it doesn’t mean it’s not good.

Dr. Nefario: Listen, Gru. There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about for some time now.

Gru: What? What’s wrong?

Dr. Nefario: [clears his throat] I miss being evil. Sinister plots, large-scale crimes...It’s what I live for! I mean, don’t you think, that there’s more to our future than jelly?

Dr. Nefario: [presses a button, folding his inventory into a suitcase] It’s a great opportunity for me, bigger lab, more evil, full dental...

Gru: [stares back at his old friend and sighs; calmly] Very well. Let us give you the proper send-off. [calls his henchmen off-screen] Minions! [seven Minions walk in, each carrying a fart gun; solemnly] The highest honor awarded to Dr. Nefario for your years of service – the twenty-one Fart Gun salute!

Gru: No! Stop! no one is ever getting out there! Ever! [quickly passes the laptop to a Minion next to him, accidentally hitting him in the face; solemnly] Okay, now for the announcement: I have accepted a new job!

Margo: Whoa! Really?

Gru: Yes, I have been recruited by a top secret agency to go undercover and save the world!

Edith: You're gonna be a spy?!

Gru: That's right, baby! Gru's back in the game with gadgets and weapons and cool cars! The whole deal!

Edith: [amazed] Awesome!

Agnes: Are you really gonna save the world?

Gru: [coolly] Yes, [puts on a pair of sunglasses] yes, I am.

Dave: [copies him] Mocha!

Tim: [with male pattern baldness and an old dutch beard, wearing a shirt and tie] Cacao!

Stuart: [dressed as Pippi Longstocking] Papadum? Eh. [chuckles]

Lucy: [to herself; out of breath] Oof, wasn’t expecting that. [strikes a martial arts pose] Or was I? [turns to Gru] Ooh, you got... you got a little of... [a purple frosting-covered Gru gives her a deadpan glare. A second later, a cupcake slowly falls off his head, leaving a long smear on it] Here, I’ll...I’ll get it... [tries to remove the icing off a dumbstruck Gru’s face] Oh, that’s just spreading... um...

Gru: All right, all right. I got it, I got it! [irritated] Stop it!

Lucy: [backs off] Oh. [takes a deep breath] I'll let you get it. [Gru sighs and rubs the icing off his face, then uses his scarf like a towel to clean it] Yeah, what you just saw there was a little something new I have been working on. It’s a combination of Jujitsu, Krav Maga, Aztec warfare and [singing] krumpin'!

Lucy: Well, it seems that because of your checkered past, everyone else refused to work with you. But not me! I stepped up. And I’m new, so I kind of have to do what they tell me anyway.

Dave: [comes out of the kitchen, then shows them a Minion-shaped cupcake] Voila!

[However, Lucy, thinking Dave is an enemy, sweeps the cupcake from his hands, smashing it into pieces. She then grabs Dave, puts and pins him on the counter; Dave starts screaming, feared of getting attacked]

[Dave jumps off the counter, but as he leaves for the kitchen, Lucy smiles at him. This causes Dave to daydream about her, from walking with Lucy, following both having a toast to finally attempting to kiss each other until...]

Eduardo: [suddenly comes inside the shop] Hello? [Gru and Lucy force themselves to act natural] Buenos dias, my friends! I am Eduardo Perez, owner of Salsa y Salsa restaurant, across the mall. Now open for breakfast. And you are...?

Gru: [introducing] Gru. And this is Lucy. And we are closed.

Eduardo: This is just gonna take un momento. I am throwing a big Cinco de Mayo party, and I am going to need two hundred of your best cupcakes decorated with the Mexican flag. It looks something like this. [rips his shirt open, revealing a giant tattoo of the Mexican flag on his chest] What do you think? [flexes and makes his chest wave]

Gru: [hides his eyes in disgust] Look away!

Lucy: [stares at Eduardo] You—Whoa... Hooo...

Eduardo: Anyway, I have to go. It’s all settled! I pick ‘em up next week! Have a good day. Come by if you get a chance, okay? [leaves the store; Gru groans in relief; suddenly pops back in] And welcome to the mall family! [Gru studies his face and gasps, seeing Eduardo in a red luchador mask surrounded by flames as he leaves the mall]

Gru: [whispering to himself] El Macho.

Lucy: [confused] What?

Gru: [looking through the window] But it couldn't be...

Lucy: Wha... What? What couldn't be?

Gru: [referring to Eduardo] That guy looks exactly like a villain named El Macho. From about twenty years ago. [a flashback reveals El Macho, twenty years ago;voice-over] He was ruthless,... [El Macho empties a bottle of tequila into a glass and smashes it over his head] he was dangerous... [El Macho squeezes a rattlesnake's venom out of his fangs, filling his glass] and as the name implies [El Macho simply eats his glass] very macho! [El Macho pins his money to the bar with the rattlesnake's fangs and leaves through the wall] He had the reputation of committing heists using only his bare hands! [El Macho stops a cargo truck with his head, then punches the driver out] But sadly, like all the greats, El Macho was gone too soon. He died in the most macho way possible: riding a shark with 250 pounds of dynamite strapped to his chest into the mouth of an active volcano! It was glorious!

Lucy: [confused] Yeah, sounds like El Macho’s pretty dead...

Gru: They never found the body. Oh no. All that was ever retrieved was a pile of singed chest hair. [pause] But that face! It has got to be El Macho!

Lucy: [gasps] So what do you say you and I break into his restaurant? Tonight?

Gru: Yes, that’s good, because I’m telling you, if anyone in this place holds the PX-41 serum, [points to Eduardo] it’s him.

Gru: Very important business. So hugs, kisses... [gives the girls a hug and kisses their foreheads, then puts them in bed] Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs blah-blah-blah-blah-blah... [suddenly sees Agnes standing at the doorway]

Agnes: But you said me you would help me practice my part for the Mother’s Day show.

Gru: There are no booby traps. [accidentally steps on a wire unseen, triggering and ringing a bell]

Lucy: Ha! [pointing to the bell] Booby! [The door leading to the kitchen suddenly opens, causing Lucy to become startled, quickly hiding behind Gru. The shadow reveals none other than a chicken] Huh, there's a chicken. [gasps] Are you lost, little guy? You must be lost!

Gru: [points to the chicken, referring to it; smug] Ha! Some guard dog. [the chicken suddenly leaps on him, continuously pecking his bald head] Aah! Get it off of me! Get it off of me! Get it off of me!

Gru: [dazed] Oh, that's an image I'll never get out of my brain. Blagh! [continues looking with the x-ray goggles until he sees a portrait holding something; smiling sinisterly] I knew it! [gasps; removes the painting off the wall, revealing a safe] The serum is in here!

Lucy: Ooh, then let’s get it!

Gru: [takes a safe-cracking device out of his pocket, placing it over the combination wheel which activates automatically; giggling gleefully] Oh, this is going to be good! Ahh... [the safe opens, revealing something other than the serum] Aha! [realizing the canister does not contain the serum] What? [it is revealed he is holding a jar filled with salsa] It’s... secret salsa?

Lucy: [disappointed] Aw, man.

Lucy: Gru, call one of your munchkins!

Gru: [by communicator; to his minions] We've been spotted! Come get us!

Dave: Huh? [to Stuart] Hey! Loo-koo-meow-plah!

Stuart: Ah! Koom-kwat!

[Dave and Stuart break in to Paradise Mall using Lucy's car. They try to keep her car in control while driving, but accidentally push a cleaning cart blocking their way. From the balcony, Gru and Lucy see the car controlled by the Minions which causes wreckage while driving in circles around the fountain]

Lucy: Hm. Subtle.

[As the car keeps driving in circles in the main hall, Gru and Lucy run off the balcony from the inactive escalator]

Gru: [attempting to stop the car] Over here! Over here! Over... [the car passes by him and Lucy; flatly] ...here. [As the out of control car driven by the Minions goes up the escalator, Gru takes a pistol out of his jacket, then shoots out a grappling hook, connecting himself to the balcony railing; grabs Lucy] Hold tight!

[The two zip to the balcony again by Gru‘s grappling hook pistol, but Lucy’s car passes by them again; Gru groans in frustration while hanging on the handrail. Once seeing Eduardo, Lucy and Gru get off the handrail, then run as fast as they can. However, they are noticed until Gru accidentally hits a cactus unharmed]

Eduardo: [pulls out some knives; chuckles] I have you now! [gets tackled by Lucy’s car from behind, scattering his knives all over; Gru remains hidden, while Lucy approaches her car, then opens the car door, revealing Dave and Stuart staring at her]

Dave: [holding a toothpick like a cigarette] Rawr, rawr. [Stuart pushes the gas pedal twice. Not soon after, Lucy takes over the steering wheel and drives past the unconscious Eduardo, breaking out of the mall. Once they start plummeting to the ground, Gru screams hysterically until Lucy presses a button, transforming her car into a jet and they take off]

[Gru and Lucy are hiding in garbage bins in the mall]

Lucy: [puts on her binoculars] All right, there he is. Suspect #8: Floyd Eaglesan.

Gru: Oh, okay.

Lucy: See if you can get closer. Go, go...

Gru: [tries to approach the entrance but makes sharp noise when moving the garbage bin; Floyd Eagle-san turns back and looks around, then enters the store] Alright, what do- [when a man attempts to throw a cup of hot coffee into Gru's garbage can; to himself] Oh no. That's not good! [suddenly freezes, revealing his legs. Confused, the man tries it again, but Gru dodges and takes off running, accidentally hitting a bent-over woman's rear-end before he falls down the escalator, rolling out of the garbage can and stumbling upon his daughters]

Agnes: [o.s.] Hey, Gru!

Gru: [looks up and sees the girls in front of him] Oh, girls! What are you doing here?

Margo: Well, we thought we'd come to visit you at work. [looks at her father and the trash can] So... you're saving the world in a garbage can?

Gru: [sarcastically] Ah ha ha ha ha! Funny.

Lucy: [comes up from behind Gru] Hey, there you are. [looking at the girls] Oh, who's this?

[Lucy smiles and shakes head slightly at the girls greeting them, tenderly]

Margo: Hello!

Edith: Hi!

Agnes: [stares at Lucy, seeing a magical glow around her; sincerely] Are you single?

[Gru and Lucy become surprised by Agnes' words]

Lucy: Oh. Goodness...

Gru: Oh! Hey! I have an idea! Since Lucy and I have lots of work to do, why don't you girls go and explore the mall? [leaves Lucy along with the girls] Here's some money. Go buy some useless mall junk, some headbands and...

Agnes: Are you gonna marry Lucy?

Gru: Are you out of your gourd? No! She just works with me.

Agnes: Plus you love her. [happily singing and dancing, attracting attention to everyone in the mall] You love her! You love her! You really, really love her, and you're gonna get married! And I'll be the flower girl, and...

Gru: Okay, stop. This is a song of lies. I don't even like her. [points to the mall] Now go have fun. [The girls leave; prepares to stand up]

Agnes: [laughs] Almost forgot! Hugs! [storms off to Gru along with her older siblings to give him a hug, throwing themselves on top of him]

Agnes: [seeing Edith grabbing coins from the wishing fountain in the mall] Is that stealing?

Edith: [comes out of the water, wearing a diving mask and snorkel] Not if my wish was to get a lot of free coins!

Antonio: Cool glasses.

Margo: Uh... [chuckles nervously]

Antonio: I’m Antonio.

Margo: I’m...Margo.

Antonio: I was just going to get a cookie. Care to join me?

Margo: [nervous] Uh,... sure. I’m... Margo. [once seeing her going out with Antonio, Edith, still wearing her diving mask and snorkel, loudly clears her throat in suspicion; nervous] Um... I’ll catch up with you guys later. Bye! [leaves her sisters]

Edith: [in disgust] Can I be the first to say... Ewwww!

Agnes: [eagerly shaking Edith] We gotta go tell Gru!

[Meanwhile, Gru arrives at Eagle Hair Club]

Gru: [contacting Lucy] Alright, I’m going in.

Lucy: [informs him at Bake My Day by monitor as he activates a chem-tracking device shaped like a belt; through headphones] If it picks up any traces of the serum, the center of your belt buckle [aloud] will make a sound like this: Mee-Mo-Mee-Mo-Mee-Mo!

Gru: [cuts off Lucy; annoyed] Okay! I get it! I get it! [fumbles with the automatic door, then enters Eagle Hair Club]

Floyd: [chuckles] Welcome to Eagle Hair Club. [turns his eagle-like chair, revealing himself holding and stroking a toupee] It’s about time you showed up...Mr. Gru. [the bald eagle perched next to him squawks]

Gru: You...know my name?

Floyd: [chuckles] When someone moves into the mall who is follically challenged, I make it my business to know all about them. You are bald. And that is bad. [strokes the toupee he’s holding, kisses it, then puts it on a mannequin head] There you go, my sweet.

Eduardo: [stops him and brings Margo and Antonio closer towards each other] That is a pity. Young love is beautiful, no?

Gru: No! [chuckles nervously] You know, they’re not in love. They hardly know each other!

Eduardo: You are right, Cabesa De Huevo! They must get to know each other better. Antonio, why don’t you invite your girlfriend and her family to our Cinco de Mayo party?

Gru: No, no, I am...

Edith and Agnes: [happily] Si!

Silas: I'm sorry. El Macho? Haven't we eliminated him as a suspect, after the whole "Salsa" incident?

Gru: Yes, but there has been a new development and I'm telling you: This is the guy. You need to arrest him immediately. And his deviously charming son! I'm pretty sure the son is involved in too. The son also. You got to get the son! [referring to Antonio; whispering] I think that the son is the mastermind. There is a look. There is a devilish look in his eyes and I don't like it! [gets back in his chair]

Silas: Yes, but I don't really see any evidence for-

Gru: [cuts him off] Evidence, schmevidence! I go with my gut and my gut tells me this guy is El Macho! Lock him up! Lock up the son. Don't forget about the son. The kid GIVES ME THE CREEPS!

Silas: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...

Lucy: Uh, but on the less [whistles] crazy side of things, uh, Gru discovered traces of the serum at Eagle Hair Club.

Silas: [regaining his interest] Hmm, interesting.

Lucy: Yeah! And you know who made that happen? Huh? [referring to Gru and pointing at him] This guy. Nailed it! Amazing, right?

Gru: No, I mean... Sure, but it's not him. It is... [whispering while glaring in Lucy's eyes] ...El Macho!

Silas: Mr. Gru, please...

Gru: [gets out of his chair and back outside] No. It is him! And I will prove it!

Lucy: [tries to stop him with no luck] Gru, c'mon. [turns to Silas; referring to Gru; chuckles nervously] He really thinks it's El Macho. [pause] Can you tell? [Silas gives her a bland glare]

[Gru is surfing on his laptop, looking up information about El Macho, when he suddenly realizes his internet connection has been lost]

Gru: [groans] Kevin, the Wi-Fi's out! [pause] Kevin? [to a Minion] Hey, Lance, where the heck is Kevin? [Lance scoffs and shrugs; Gru sighs] All right. We need to revisit the number of vacation days you guys get. I can't find anybody anymore.

[The doorbell rings]

Jillian: [off-screen] Gru! It's Jillian! [Annoyed by her, Gru shoots an imaginary bullet in his head, becoming really bored] I brought good news! [cut on her with another woman] I have my friend Shannon here with me. I was thinking, you two, can get some grub, you know, tear it up, see what happens! [cracks herself up; cut on Gru seeing Agnes approaching; off-screen] Uh, open up!

Jillian: [off-screen] I know you're in there, Gru! There's no way you're getting out of this.

[When Gru looks annoyed, realizing this is getting him nowhere, Kyle, with the wig that Gru received from Floyd Eagle-san in his jaws, approaches him]

Lucy: [enters the Italian restaurant] Hi. Take-out for Lucy?

Hostess: Sure. Just a sec. [leaves off; After the hostess left, Lucy narrows her eyes, then hides behind a aquarium. She sees Gru and Shannon, who’s doing sit-ups, before she presses a button on her watch that turns into a eavesdropping device that she puts in her ears]

Shannon: [heard through Lucy’s high tech eavesdropping device] Your accent is so exotic.

Gru: Ah. Well, thank you very much. I was...

Shannon: I know someone who can fix that for you and you’ll be talking normal in no time.

Gru: [laughs awkwardly; sweating] Whew. Is it hot in here? How’s the food?

[pause]

Shannon: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you wearing a wig?!

Gru: What? [noticing his wig is in a wrong direction, quickly rotates it back; nervously] I don't think so!

Shannon: I knew it. You're a phony. I hate phonies!

Gru: Oh... what? No, these locks are all mine...

Shannon: No, they're not! You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna rip that thing off your head and show everyone [heard through eavesdropping device] what a bald-headed phony you are!

Lucy: I don't think so, Miss Lady. [calmly activates her watch, revealing a target sight along with a couple of darts. Meanwhile, Gru watches in horror as Shannon approaches him. Suddenly, Lucy shoots a tranquilizer dart at Shannon’s buttocks, rendering her unconscious before she can remove the wig off Gru’s head and landing with her face in the spaghetti]

Gru: [confused] Hello? Hello... Are you...

Lucy: [off-screen] Hey, Gru!

Gru: [removes his wig] Hello, Lucy! How you doin'?

Lucy: Wow, looks like your date's out for the count. It's like she's been shot with a mild moose tranquilizer. [Shannon moans unconsciously like a moose, then passes out again; Lucy winks at Gru, who suddenly smiles and stares at her awkwardly; whispering] Yeah, I'm winking 'cuz that's what actually happened.

Waiter: [hurries to the table, politely] 'Scusi, whassa happenin' here? She no like?

Lucy: Well, I think you did it. You just officially had the worst date ever.

Gru: Huh, tell me about it.

Lucy: Don’t worry, it can only get better from here, right? But if it doesn’t, you can always burrow my dart gun. I’ve had to use it on one or two dates myself.

Gru: Yeah, you know, as far as dates go, I think I’m good with just the one. [chuckles nervously]

[silence, until Lucy pats Gru on the shoulder]

Lucy: Well, good night, partner. [starts walking toward her car. Gru gets up to walk beside her] This was fun.

Gru: Yes. Surprisingly, it was.

Lucy: Oh, and uh, just between you and me? You look much better bald. [the spies exchange looks as Lucy pecks Gru on the cheek before happily leaving him] See you tomorrow! [Gru smiles happily as she takes off, unaware of Shannon falling off the porch behind him]

Margo: So I take it the date went well?

Gru: No! It was horrible! [laughs gleefully]

[Gru just arrived at Paradise Mall and sees Silas with a couple of AVL agents at Eagle Hair Club]

Gru: [confused] Mr. Ramsbottom?

Silas: Oh, hello.

Gru: What are you doing here?

Silas: We got him.

Gru: Got who?

Silas: Floyd Eaglesan! Our agents located a secret room in the shop last night, [snaps his fingers, signaling a female AVL agent holding a Ziploc bag containing a canister. He then shows it to Gru] and uh, discovered this! It’s empty, but we found traces of the PX-41 serum in it. He’s our man. So, somehow, in spite of your incompetence, we solved this one.

Floyd: [handcuffed and carried away] I was framed! You won’t get away with this! Get your mitts off of me! I am a legitimate businessman!

Gru: [stunned] Ah. Alright. So... what now?

Silas: Well, you’re now free to go back to your “business”. Mmm. Jams and jellies. And it looks like Agent Wilde will be transferring to our Australian branch.

Gru: [shocked] Australia...?

Silas: Yes. But thank you...for everything. And by everything of course I mean... nothing. [pause] Toodle pip and cheerio, Mr. Gru. [walks away to the AVL agents. Gru stares sadly from a distance, until Lucy gives him a few pats on his shoulder]

Lucy: Thanks. You too. [pulls her lipstick taser out of her purse] Oh, here, I want to give you this.

Gru: Your lipstick taser?

Lucy: Yeah, it’s just a memento. Just, you know, from the first time we met.

Gru: Oh, thank you, Lucy. [accepts her lipstick taser]

Silas: [off-screen] Agent Wilde?

[the two stare at each other awkwardly, unwilling to leave]

Gru: Well... it looks like that they need you, so...

Lucy: Yeah, I uh, I better go. Bye, Gru.

[After learning that Lucy goes to Australia, Gru sags on the doorsteps of his house]

Agnes: [comes outside, holding an umbrella] I brought you an umbrella.

Gru: [smiles at Agnes, then takes the umbrella] Ah, thank you.

Agnes: What are you doing out here?

Gru: Remember when you said that I liked Lucy? Well, it turns out... you're right.

Agnes: [smiles] Really?

Gru: Yes, but... Well, she's moving away. I'm never going to see her again. [Agnes sags along with him and slightly kicks her feet]

Agnes: Is there anything I could do to help?

Gru: Oh, I don't... I don't think so, sweetheart.

Agnes: Well, is anything you could do? [Gru heads up like he suddenly remembers something]

Gru: Hello, Lucy. This is Gru. I know, up to this point, our relationship is been strictly professional, and that you’re leaving for Australia and all, but... [stammering] okay, here is the question. Would you like to... to go out on a date?

Minion: [dressed as Lucy] Ehh... no.

Gru: Okay, that's not helping. [hangs up the phone] Alright, here we go, for real this time. [checks Lucy's phone number, cracks his neck, then stretches and finally takes a deep breath; to himself] I can do this. [tries to pick up the phone, however, over time, becomes so frustrated that he stands up and takes his flamethrower; enraged] I HATE YOU! [uses his flamethrower to incinerate his telephone. In moments, the fire alarm starts blaring, and one of the Minions bursts through the wall with axes to put out the fire; followed by a Minion with a hose and a Minion imitating a siren. After putting out the fire, the Minion makes his Siren noises at Gru until he leaves angrily with the megaphone. The Minion dressed as Lucy then blasts the other one away with the fire extinguisher]

[At Eduardo's Cinco De Mayo party]

Edith: Whoa! This place is awesome!

Gru: Okay, let's party, huh, but first, let's go over the rules, because, what is fun without the rules? Agnes, easy on the churros. Edith, try not to kill anyone.

Eduardo: Yes. [grabs a chair and sits down] But we are survivors. There is much more to us than meets the eye, hmm? [gives Gru a mysterious smile] Enjoy the party.

[When on the plane to Australia, Lucy sighs, feeling heartbroken about leaving Gru and decides to read a flight magazine. When reading it, she suddenly sees Gru]

Lucy: [confused] Say what? [snaps out of her hallucination, then looks in the magazine again, revealing a regular pilot. She flips the page, but gasps once seeing Gru. Lucy hastily shuts the magazine, then opens it again, now revealing a muscular man diving]

Stewardess: [approaches Lucy] Would you like some peanuts or pretzels? [Lucy gasps in astonishment and sees her as Gru. She suddenly hears a passenger laughing like Gru]

Passenger: That’s a good joke. [Lucy looks behind her and sees a mother holding a baby, both looking like Gru]

Baby: I just did a boom.

[Lucy gasps in horror]

Stewardess: I really need you to make a choice, hon.

Lucy: [to herself; happily] I choose Gru. [to the stewardess] I! Choose! Gru! [everyone cheers on her while Lucy gets out of her seat and opens the emergency hatch of the plane] Thank you, Gru-stewardess! [jumps out of the plane]

Stewardess: [waves at Lucy] You're welcome!

[Diving through the air, Lucy unfolds her purse into a hang glider, para-sailing on her way to Eduardo's mansion in search for Gru]

[in El Macho’s lair]

Eduardo/El Macho: [appears behind Gru] You have not lost your touch, my friend.

Gru: Aha! I knew it! You are El Macho!

Eduardo/El Macho: That’s right!

Gru: [eager] Nobody believed me! Ho ho! But I knew you weren't dead!

Eduardo/El Macho: [laughing] Of course not. I merely faked my death! [chuckles] But now, it’s time for me to make a spectacular return to evil! Doctor, I think it’s time we showed Gru what we’re up to here.

Evil Kevin: [a machine gun descends and sprays him with bullets] BLAUGH! [ a flamethrower descends] BLAUGH! [it sprays him with flame. An axe descends and hits him over the head, he jumps up and eats it. A bomb falls and he swallows it, exploding harmlessly inside him. A police car, siren running, falls on him. He eats it in six bites] BLAUGH!

Eduardo/El Macho: And here's the best part, I got an army of them! [some lights turn on, revealing hundreds of cages full of evil minions; Gru receives a horrified look on his face once seeing them] Soon I will unleash them on the world! And if anyone, anyone tries to stop them, YEOW! Their city gets eaten. [pause] We can do it together!

Gru: Together?

Eduardo/El Macho: Together! I have admired your work for years, amigo! Stealing the moon?! [yanking on Gru's scarf] Are you kidding?! We would be unstoppable! Men like you, men like me, we should be ruling the world! [excitedly] So, are you in?

Dr. Nefario: [holding a noisemaker] Woo-hoo!

Gru: Uh...yeah...probably...

Eduardo/El Macho: [confused] Probably?

Gru: [stepping backwards] I mean, yes! Yes. Of course, yes, I just have a lot going on right now...I just need to get some things off my plate before we start taking over the world, that’s all.

Gru: [referring to boys] Yes, they stink. Look sorry, honey, we have to leave. [sends Margo away and comes back to screen, then angrily shoots his freeze ray at Antonio for leaving Margo heartbroken without saying anything]

[When Lucy tries to defend herself from Pollito, it is revealed that he is pecking at her purse]

Eduardo: Lucia! I apologize. Pollito, he’s not usually like this. The same thing happened the other day with... with Gru and...

Lucy: Oh, speaking of Gru...uh, have you seen him? I really need to talk to him.

Eduardo: Yes, I think he’s around here somewhere. You two are close, no?

Lucy: Oh, I don’t know. I mean close... I wouldn’t say we were “close”. Why, did he say we were close? Did he say that?

Eduardo: It’s more than what he didn’t say. For instance, he never mentioned... [turns Pollito around, who’s holding Lucy’s AVL credentials in his beak] that you were both working for the Anti-Villain League! [Lucy gasps in horror; grabs Lucy tightly] You’re coming with me. [yanks her away]

Gru: No, it is not cool. [closes the curtains] Plus, I pretty much knew it was him all along, so if anyone's cool, it's me.

[the television beeps, revealing Dr. Nefario hiding under a table]

Dr. Nefario: [by intercom] Gru!

Gru: Well, Dr. Nefario.

Dr. Nefario: [hastily] El Macho's on to you. He knows you're working for the AVL. And he's got your partner!

Gru: [confused] Lucy? Wha— that's impossible! She's on her way to Australia...

Eduardo/El Macho: [offscreen] Nefario?

Dr. Nefario: Sorry, gotta go!

[The intercom turns off]

Agnes: [gasps; referring to El Macho; worried] He's got Lucy?

Gru: [determined] Not for long. [to Dave and Stuart playing a video game] Come on. We're getting her out of there.

[Margo and Agnes are playing a board game when they suddenly hear Evil Kevin and Kyle]

Agnes: [startled] What was that?

Margo: [gets up, walks slowly to the window and opens the curtains; the somewhat scared Agnes holds her unicorn] I don't see anything.

[But then, Margo sees Evil Kevin, screaming in horror as she closes the curtains. The Evil Kevin breaks the glass, causing Margo to run to Agnes. Evil Kevin falls on the floor with the curtains and he looks back to Margo and Agnes, holding her unicorn, then screams and runs towards them]

[Evil Kevin tries to eats the unicorn, but Agnes, shocked in terror, starts screaming so loud that not only forced Evil Kevin to spit out the unicorn and starting to scream, but also Margo to cover her ears, and breaking everything, from a bust of Gru's mother to Kevin's goggles. Agnes stops screaming, gently walks to and grabs her unicorn and runs to the hallway. Margo looks back to Evil Kevin before pressing the button on Gru's rhino chair, revealing the elevator.]

Kevin: BAH DEE, BAH DEE! (CAN'T SEE)

[Margo and Agnes scream in horror as the still blind Evil Kevin approaches them until the elevator closes Evil Kevin bumps his head as the elevator goes down. Meanwhile, in Gru's lab, a dozen Minions while Edith and a Minion are playing ping-pong]

Margo: Come on! Hurry!

Agnes: Move!

[Margo closes the door]

Edith: [stops playing ping-pong] What's the matter?

[But suddenly, Evil Kevin submerges from the ground floor, collapsing on a pile of steel bars which fall onto a sofa before trying to attack the girls; Edith swings her nun-chucks, attempting to protect her siblings, but before Kevin could devour them, a hypodermic needle is injected in his back, rendering Kevin back to normal]

Kevin: Ooh-la-la! [sits up] um, picatos?

Agnes: Kevin!

Minions: Kevin! [dog pile him]

Margo: Dr. Nefario, you’re back!

Dr. Nefario: In the flesh! Behold... [reveals an Erlenmeyer flask filled with a yellow substance] the antidote! [heads towards the jelly containers] Come on, let’s put this horrible jelly into some good use!

[after Gru is saved from the evil minions]

Dr. Nefario: Hello, Gru!

Gru: Hey, hey! Nice work, Dr. Nefario! [leaps onto the ship]

Dr. Nefario: I put the antidote in the jelly. [pause] I mean, I’m happy to create an evil army and destroy the world. But nobody messes with my family.

Gru: You guys take care of the rest of the Minions. I’m going to find Lucy. [jumps out of the ship, armed with two big jelly guns. The ship lands near the entrance, then the girls and Minions jump out of it, holding and firing their jelly guns at the evil minions.]

Agnes: Eat jelly, you purple freaks! [fires her jelly gun, but goes out of control, yet still capable of neutralizing a dozen minions. Meanwhile, Gru, on the other hand, shoots two evil minions off the roof support at once, then steps on one of the minions’ goggles, shooting the others in a slo-mo Matrix-style. El Macho kicks Evil Tom at Gru, who dodges, then shoots him back to normal with a grim look on his face]

Gru: It's over, El Macho. [aims one of his jelly guns] Now where is Lucy?

Eduardo/El Macho: [chuckles] Let me show you. [presses one of the buttons on his control panel, stopping the fountain at the center and revealing Lucy strapped to a rocket, along with a shark and 250 pounds of dynamite. Once seeing her, Gru gasps in horror]

Lucy: Oh, hey, Gru! Turns out you were right about the whole El Macho thing, huh? [mildly] Yay!

Eduardo/El Macho: One push of this button, and I send that rocket straight in the same volcano where I faked my death, only this time... It's for real.

Gru: [horrified] No!

Dave: [swings on a vine like Tarzan and snatches the remote from El Macho's hands] Tally ho! [hits the roof support and drops the remote which hits three minions on their heads and on the ground]

Eduardo/El Macho: We could have ruled the world together, Gru! But now... You're gonna die. [drinks the last of the PX-41 serum. Once he does this, Gru gasps before El Macho suddenly grows into a giant furry purple yeti and roars at him. Gru fires the jelly gun, but it is out of ammo. He then pulls out his freeze ray and encases each of El Macho’s fists in ice, but the latter slams his fists into the ground, shattering the ice and knocking Gru off the platform, forcing him to grab hold onto a scaffolding. Unfortunately, the scaffolding tips over and Gru falls on the ground. El Macho jumps off the platform, grabs the scaffolding, attempting to crush Gru, but the latter dodges by rolling before pulling out Lucy’s lipstick taser, hitting the former with it and causing El Macho to electrocute before collapsing on the ground]

Dr. Nefario: Oh, this ain't a jelly gun, sunshine. [shoots the Fart Gun at El Macho’s face, rendering him unconscious. Not soon after, the Minions fire their jelly guns in the air, while one of them stands on El Macho, and takes a picture of Dr. Nefario. Meanwhile, Gru runs towards the rocket Lucy is strapped to and starts climbing on it']

Lucy: [as Gru is climbing to her; calmly] Don't worry about me, Gru, I'll be fine. I've survived lots worse than this... Okay, that is not entirely true. [switches from calmly to frantically] I'm actually kind of freaking out up here!

Gru: [attempting to free her] Don't worry. I will get you out of this. [Once they see Pollito near the remote, both Gru and Lucy gasp; Pollito looks at them before pecking the red button on the rocket’s launch remote; grumbling, about Pollito] I really hate that chicken.

[The rocket’s engine ignite, causing the spies to take off into the sky; on land, the Minions and girls see Gru and Lucy take off in horror; as the rocket flies to the volcano, Gru holds himself tightly to the rocket, cutting Lucy free of the ropes using a knife, but once he cuts down the last rope, the dynamite and shark fall off the rocket, but before Lucy falls off, Gru grabs her before he slips off; the shark falls on a table of a sushi bar where the customers and sushi chef cheer. Meanwhile, on the rocket, Lucy holds on to the missile fin while Gru rips one of the panels of the rocket open with his knife, revealing a mess of wires in it]

Lucy: Is there a red one? It’s usually the red one! [Gru puts his knife between his teeth and madly starts pulling the red wire left and right. But even so, the rocket keeps moving; noticing they are approaching the volcano, nervous] Gru, anytime now!

Gru: [gasps the instant he sees the volcano and drops the knife] Listen, Lucy, we may not get out of this alive. So, I need to ask you a question.

Lucy: Uh, better make it quick.

Gru: If I had asked you out on a date, what would you have said?

Lucy: [eager] Are you kidding me?! Yes!

Gru: [smiles, then gasps and grabs Lucy] JUMP!!! [leaps off the rocket, just seconds before it plunges in the volcano which explodes on impact. Despite their attempts to keep close to each other while falling, the debris and impact of the explosion hits Gru and Lucy, who lose each other's grasp and fall into the water. Gru swims back up, gasping for air; desperately] Lucy! [frantically swims around] Lucy, where are you?! [a moment later, Lucy swims up behind him, gasping for air; relieved] Oh... Lucy! [swims towards her]

Lucy: [eagerly] Gru! [hugs him, sending both into the water, then swim back out, gasping for air; trying to keep Gru at a distance; embarrassed] Sorry! I guess you kind of need your arms to tread water, huh?

[Without saying anything to Lucy, realizing his feelings for her, Gru firmly grabs her hand, then gently pulls her closer to him while she puts her free hand on the other shoulder. The two stare at each other, in love. A second later, a rowboat, being rowed by a Minion, encouraged by another sitting on top, shouting “Echo! Echo!” in a bullhorn, passes by to pick up Gru and Lucy, who look at the kayak for a few seconds, but ignore it soon after and stare at eachother again]

Gru: [referring to the Minions; calmly] They’ll be back.

[During Gru and Lucy's wedding]

Agnes: [to herself] Okay. [stands on top of the girls' wedding table; to everyone else] Excuse me? Um, hi, excuse me? [Margo ticks on her glass with a fork multiple times like a cow bell, attracting everyone's attention to a nervous Agnes] Uh, [clears her throat] Hi, everybody! I'd like to make some toast. Uh... [looks at Gru]

[For the sequel] they pitched me the main character falling in love and eventually marrying at the end, and I just plainly hated the idea. I don’t know if that’s my European cynical side. They said that, ‘We’ll try it out with the marriage and once we get the marriage working, we’ll try to find other ways to do it without having a marriage,’ so they did make the effort of doing it our way—Chris and mine—of trying to not have the marriage and not to have this very corny ending.