big sigh

April 4, 2005

DJ put in his 2 weeks notice at work. I have mixed feelings about it. There is a lot of behind the scenes restructuring going on at work that is kind of pissing me and everyone else off. I have mixed feelings about DJ leaving bc I dont know what we’ll do without him, but had he stayed, I feared that I would have been stuck in my position forever taking on more and more duties, while he just did more or less the same as he did now. I also have mixed feelings b/c our entire team has been so stressed out lately, that our relationship has been more or less nonexistent, if not extremely tense. Everyone has had a short fuse, and we are snapping at each other left and right. And it sucks.

So while I would have liked him to stay, I honestly think its better for him and for me and for our friendship, that he doesnt. Spending as much time as we do together has made us both stir crazy. It also doesnt help that we have talked numerous times about hanging out or taking a trip somewhere, but when the weekend comes around, we dont have the energy or will to hang out. Plus, being that we are on the same team, its impossible for both of us to take time off at the same time.

In short, we are burnt out. On work. On life. On each other. I’m going to miss having an ally at work–someone i can trust, who is on the same wavelength, but on the other, Im kind of glad that we can focus on non work-related stuff whenever we do hang out or see each other.

I dunno, its all so fucking weird. This past week has been nothing short of crazy on so many levels. I actually dug up this weird relaxation cd my mom gave me a long time ago and spent like 2 hrs last night trying to relax and meditate. It sort of worked…but not really.

I really need to find what the hell it is with myself that will make me happy or make me feel some bit of peace. These feelings of frustration; of always struggling and battling and dissatisfaction cannot go on forever. Somewhere, somehow, I need to find the happiness w/in myself. I’m just not sure how. I keep thinking that some outside change will make a difference–like if i moved somewhere new, or if I had a boyfriend, or if I took a trip some place fabulous, but deep down, I know that won’t change anything.

As for DJ–I am terribly conflicted about my feelings. I’m really sad to see him leave us. We had our best conversation in days today…actually in months…and it made us both really nostalgic. When he told me he was leaving for sure today, his voice was quivering, and I actually thought he was going to cry.

There are a lot of reasons why I’m sad to see him go, but I just think that the time we do spend together will probably be a lot better. I think we probably both take our friendship for granted right now, and I think that the separation will either make us better friends or make us more distant acquaintances.

Either way, saying goodbye is sad for someone as sentimental as me.

sidenote: sorry for the shitty writing these past few days. Im basically sleep-writing. Not that Im some great writer on a normal basis, but these past few weeks have taken it to a new level of shitty.