11 failed IUIs, IVF #1- miscarriage, FET #1-nada, IVF #2-triplets but we lost them all at 9, 18, and 21 weeks in 2013. When all hope was lost a friend stepped forward to be our gestational carrier and carried in our twins... 2 years later we decided to try for one more baby with me carrying again...this is our story

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Pour Me Something Tall and Strong

August 25, 2012

Ok, fine, pour me a non-fat cafe latte with light whip. I was desperate enough to not even drink caffeine for 2 weeks in case it "slowed down the embryo through the fallopian tube." I'm not a drinker but the "pour me something tall and strong" song is stuck in my head in these disappointing days of waiting to restart a new cycle.

As I sit here drinking away my sorrow, enjoying the whip cream and comforting taste of coffee, my mind raises with questions about the future:

Why me? Why did God choose me to go through this journey? I know He has a reason and I trust that, but I'm not on the other side where I get the 'aha' moment.

What next? My OBGYN is insisting that I do 1-2 more IUI's but I want to go straight to OHSU and get the dumb IVF rolling. But what if that $200 IUI, just one more, is the one?

Do I go all out? My OBGYN thinks it's pointless to do the monitoring and HCG shot since I ovulate but every time I go in for the procedure the infertility nurses are in shock that I haven't been monitored and taken the trigger shot. I kind of what to pay the extra and just do it all if I do have to do 1 more IUI.

Am I jumping to IVF too fast? It's only really been since April this year that I've been consistently ovulating although we have been trying for almost 2 years. Am I too impatient? Some people wait over 5 years before IVF.

What if IVF doesn't work? To jump to this extreme option is scary that we are here. The end. Plan Z when it comes to carrying my own biological child. It's freaky and horrifying.

What are my morals? I have always been PRO-Life and as a teenager firmly believed its a life the MINUTE the egg hits the sperm. Well, do I believe that if the egg hits the sperm outside my body? And if that's the case, am I okay with "freezing" several "souls?"

Is it strange that OHSU calls these stored frozen embryos "brothers and sisters" for a frozen egg transfer down the road after baby #1 is born?

How many embryos would we want to transfer? The protocol is 2. The crazy baby fever lady inside me says 3. When it boils down to it, after all the hell of IVF, I would rather have 3 than 0, or take the risk and have 1 survive instead of having to do IVF all over again. (The RE did tell us that couples with triplets have an 85% divorce rate).

When? Our flex spending kicks in November 1 (waiting for November would save us probably around $700 dollars) but is that money worth waiting 2 more months? I know 2 months sounds like nothing, but in infertility land, it feels like an eternity.

What does God want me to do? He feels so silent in all this. Is He annoyed me with for pushing so hard or does He want us to fight for this and to go through the process to gain empathy for others? If I was unemployed and had failed attempts at job interviews, I would go to a job-fair/specialist and seek help. Is it any different?

Does God want me to stand still? There are times He wants us to back completely up (aka no fertility drugs, no medical help) and let Him do a complete miracle? This terrifies me. Or does He want to do a miracle through IVF?

I've always beat to my own drum. I loved this quote I found on pinterest. Smart wise? Wait a few months, see where Darren gets a job, see if his insurance overs IVF. Wait till January were we can use his flex spending too. Wait a few more months. Try on our own. All of that is smart. But my heart? My heart says my arms can't bear to wait another month of knowing that I can't hold my baby sooner. My heart says I'm ready and don't want to waste another second. My heart says I can take all the pain and scary things that come along with IVF. My heart says IVF soon.

Although not pregnant, it feels good drinking this tall and strong latte. Sippppppp.

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Meet the Bensons

Hi! I'm Holly and Darren is my husband. We have been married 5 years; after our 11th fertility treatment in 2013 we lost triplets (2 were stillborns in the 2nd tri). It nearly destroyed us. The day I delivered my son a friend emailed us and offered to carry some of our biological remaining embryos. The transfer was a success and we had twin boys born almost exactly a year-to-the-date later than when I delivered my son. If I'm not blogging about our journey, I'm teaching high school Spanish, drinking Starbucks, hanging out with family, eating candy-and then working it off at the gym. If you ever need to contact me directly you can at hollybenson10@yahoo.com or if you want to see more into our daily lives, my instagram is hbenson10

How Long We've Been At It:

JB

Babies in Heaven

We have had two miscarriages and 2 stillborns (born 3 weeks apart). I'm 50/50 on naming the early miscarriages but it gives me a sense of peace and reality of their lives. In heaven, I will call for them.

Jaden lost 11/2012 blighted ovum (my sister gave me the idea for this name, it means "God has heard" and he had because it was our 1st pregnancy)

Isaac lost 8/2013 everything was perfect and then stopped at 9 weeks (my sister is law gave me this idea. Isaac means "laughter" and everyone's first reaction to us having triplets was laughter)

Stillborn daughter born 10/30/13

Stillborn son Jude born @21 weeks 11/17/30

Infertility Treatment Journey

Me: 31 I have mild PCOS and ovulate very randomly (I respond to femera and on that have normal cycles)