Hookay. So, you all know the Large Hadron Collider by now, the oh-so-pretty particle accelerator thingamajig that will implode taking the whole planet with it. Yeah, that one. Well, it is now T minus 24 hours from ignition. The end of the world, people. In fact, you have less than 24 hours to do everything you wanted to do before dying. Right now. Make a list and start right now. I did mine already. Update: apocalypse delayed again. New date is September 10.

- First, give a long hug to all my friends.
- Learn to sail.
- Fish a salmon and eat the whole thing as sashimi.
- Call Addy and tell her I love her.
- Call Ana, my first wife, and tell her that she's still a damn lying bitch with a fat ass.
- Get in bed with the hot, big-boobed Swedish bartender in front of me-I'm in a cafe in Hunnebo, Sweden, right now.
- Get the hot Swedish waitress in bed too-trust me, I have reasons for this.
- Steal the Harley parked outside the café and drive at 125MPH to Gothenburg's airport.
- Buy first class tickets to Los Angeles on the company's card-don't worry Nick, you won't have to pay for that. It's the end of the world.
- Find Uma Thurman address.
- Get her naked.
- Post pictures in Gizmodo.
- Get in bed with Uma and the two Swedes (yes, they came with me-the trip to LA is too long).
- Steal a supersonic jet.
- Fly to Cupertino.
- Break into Apple's secret vault with the help of the two Swedes-by their looks, they have to be ninjas-and Uma dressed with her Kill Bill yellow suit.
- Have sex with the two Swedes, Uma, and Steve Jobs.
- Have Jason liveblog the whole thing while Brian takes pictures.
- Burn the secret vault.
- Watch the whole campus burn while listening to Tom Waits, having a six-hand massage, drinking margaritas, waiting for the whole universe to implode.

I know, it's less than 24 hours to planetary mayhem, but if Santa Claus can visit the home of every kid in the world to deliver presents, Jesus gets to do all that in 12 hours. In any case, I can only hope there's no more delays and the whole thing explodes-or I'm screwed.