Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Some of you may know that I have a thing for hats, especially funny costume ones. I have at least 20 different funny hats, a number that grows or shrinks every time I wear one out. And I'm not even including my Burger King crown in that number.

So Saturday I was driving into Centennial to get the daily paper when I saw a garage sale sign in the neighborhood. Usually with garage sales, the older the proprieters the better, and these people were really old. So they had some old stuff; I first picked out a 1950's style grey leather suitcase for 50 cents. Moving on the hat section, I was pleased to find that, like me, this gentleman has quite a noggin on him. In fact, his size 7.5 hats fit me perfectly! I first picked out a brown felt cowboy hat. Here's a picture:

Please note the black-and-white Bruce Lee print in the background. Anyway, I will go ahead and tell you that I am a full seven feet tall with this hat on and if I were to put it on too tight a door could decapitate me. But honestly, hat+mustache+semi-western shirt*Bruce Lee=amazing. I don't wear much else anymore. Sale price, $1.

About to leave quite pleased with my purchases, I spotted a natty (not nasty, natty) green felt fedora on the corner of the shelf. The owner related to me that it was bought in Munich during the 1936 Olympics! I don't know if that's true, but it is German. Here's another pic:

Pop quiz: Which popular R&B singer do I look most like:

A. Ne-Yo

B. Ne-Yo

C. Ne-Yo

We're pretty much dead ringers for each other. And I wish I could sleep wearing my green fedora.

So the rest of this has nothing to do with hats, and everything to do with funny stuff that happens while I'm working at the bar. The first one has to do with backhanded compliments. Though I am a master of the empty compliment myself, I'll let it be known that I think backhanded compliments are low and despicable. Here's a really good one:

Person 1: "Rehab at 14 was the worst possible thing for him. I mean, he just isn't at all equipped for the pursuit of life. He really is practically useless at everything."

(pause)

Person 1: "He's a nice guy though, I've always liked him."

This anecdote serves to reinforce the widely-held, probably incorrect notion that saying "he's a nice guy, though" immediately negates ANYTHING negative you just said about the third person. Example:

Person 1: "He's a total hebephile and a huge racist. Hates Puerto Ricans and Buddhists with a passion. Kills baby seals for fun and throws their pelts away because he just likes the sight of a dying, clubbed, peltless seal. You'll never meet a nicer guy, though."

Next: I was poking around the kitchen at work for some food one evening, when I saw a big tub of generic sour cream from Sysco. It said on the label: "CULTURED SOUR CREAM". I started thinking about what uncultured sour cream would be like.... boorish, insensitive. Unable to respond to the needs of my taco.

My "Check Engine" light has now been flickering on and off for over three years. I take it as a sign of good craftsmanship that the light is able to last that long, and I know check engine lights are just swindles to get you to go to the repair store, usually so they can check your check engine light and fix that instead of your engine, putting you into an unending cycle of worry that your engine is broken alternating with worry that your engine is broken but you don't even know because your check engine light is malfunctioning. It's dizzying thinking about this, so I covered up my check engine light with black tape.

But what I really don't like about check engine lights is the fact that they're completely unnecessary. I have a VERY good idea if my engine is not working correctly, because the CAR DOESN'T TURN ON. Does this seem self-evident to anyone else? I'm out.