Finally, there's an app that gamifies your boring sex life

Sure, there are apps that track your attempts to quit smoking, stick to a diet, or exercise with regularity. But where’s the technology that tells you how loud you are in the sack? It’s already here: Say hello to Spreadsheets.

The particular sadness of that pun—sexual abandon translated into brute numbers—carries over to the introductory video, in which a beautiful woman tries everything to interest an oblivious nerd boyfriend in sex but only succeeds when she baits him with a new iPhone feature. Quantified love life, here we come!

In addition to registering your decibel levels (I’m hoping mine will get a boost from the garbage truck always idling outside my window), Spreadsheets will also monitor your overall duration, frequency, and somehow, thrusts per minute. Apparently this does not require supplementary electrodes.

What’s more, you can unlock “badges” and the like. For example, to meet the “Hello Sunshine” achievement, worth 10 points, you must take on the ultimate challenge of our time: “perform morning sex.”

Imagine that: sex, gamified! Now, instead of intercourse being a boring chore, it can provide fun and amusement through the magic of statistics. But how exactly does it work? According to the developers:

Spreadsheets monitors data from user’s movement and audio levels through the accelerometer and microphone to provide statistical and visual analysis of their performance in bed.

Visual analysis, eh? Does that mean this is just an app for making amateur pornography?

Spreadsheets does not record or playback audio or video. That would be creepy.

Oh, I see. That, unlike an app that just watches and measures your sexual activity, would be creepy. Still, I sort of wonder what happens to all the, er, data that I’m putting into this? It isn’t then sold to the highest eBay bidder, right?

Spreadsheets data is stored securely on your mobile device. Your information is never relayed, backed up, or synced to the internet.

Of course! What could be more secure than my eminently hackable mobile device? Attractive celebrities needn’t worry that TMZ will figure out that weird word they yell during orgasm. It’s all quite private, purely between two consenting adults and a corporate hard drive and a third-party software developer.

Truly, the only problem I can foresee in Spreadsheets is the lack of a “solo” setting. Their judgmental FAQ section says it all:

We do not recommend using Spreadsheets without a partner. This is a team effort; your partner will support your commitment to improving sexual activity through performance tracking.

A sex app that doesn’t account for masturbation? That’s a serious lapse in demographic targeting. Who wouldn’t want to know how much they make themselves moan? Strokes per minute? Number of streaming porn videos toggled between in one session?