The Black Sheep

4 Ways to Get Your DNA on Joe Biden

Anyone who has crossed into the City Limits into Newark has seen a Joe groupie. They fall all over themselves at University events just to see the prince of Delaware, Joe Biden himself. No one can resist Joe’s snowy white hair and charismatic smile. So how is your love for Joe greater than any other Blue Hen’s? Not many on this campus can actually say that their DNA has come in contact with Joe’s. A gentle touch, or simple transferal of skin cells is all it takes to become the superior groupie. Try these 4 ways to get yourself all over JB.

4.) Lick all the doorknobs in the Biden Institute: The Biden Institute lays silent all night long. There won’t be a soul around to watch you creep past the wrought iron fence, slither around the brick facade, softly approach a door knob and lick that fucker like you’ve never licked anything before in your whole life. Make sure you run your tongue over the entire surface area of each doorknob. Joe Biden is a humble everyman and opens his own doors. If you strategically lick every knob to the Biden Institute, he’s bound to get some of your DNA on his papery and powerful hands.

3.) Drop some skin cells behind the glass at UDairy:Joe loves ice cream. UD has a homemade ice cream shop on campus. You do the math. This is an easy way to ensure your DNA enters Joe’s happy little mouth and enters his body and mixes with all of his internal body cells. Just walk in and order a hot fudge sundae. Your opportunity will arise when the depressed and overworked scooper turns to sadly pump your fudge. Take this brief moment to sprinkle the skin cells you brought in a jar all over the ice cream. Joe is too old for the complicated flavors UDairy has, so bet on vanilla. When he comes for his nightly scoop, he won’t even notice when parts of your body enter his.

2.) Slobber on the mic in Clayton Hall before his speech: Poor Joe is always being asked by President Assanis to give talks. He’s gotta shlep all over Newark to these events catered by the best Vita Nova has to offer. Make Joe’s next speaking event extra special by sneaking into Clayton and sucking on the microphone. When Joe goes to speak and try the cool micdrop thing his, he’ll get your DNA all over his hands. And even though he won’t know it, we’re sure he’d be very happy to have such a devoted and loving and obsessive fan.

1.) Make out with Jill Biden:The only thing Joe loves more than Jill is ice cream. So she’s pretty high up there. Joe and Jill have been married since 1977 and seem happy and smiley and American all the time. This is because a smooth 74 year old like Joe is able to have a very satisfying and intense love affair with his wife Jill. If you get your DNA in her mouth, there is no way it won’t eventually get back to Joe.

While everyone is claiming that they would do anything for Joe Biden, you can actually be the one to do it. Getting your DNA everywhere he turns is bound to bring you two closer together. So go ahead be extreme, a maverick like Joe will like that.