Lindy West

Uuuuuuugh, milkshake—you cruel vixen. Milkshakes are simultaneously the food I most desire and the food I can least justify eating. Essentially a method of injecting massive amounts of melted ice cream into one's bloodstream the shortest time possible (YESSS), milkshakes are obv terrible for your body. But it turns out that they can be also awesome for your brain! As part of its "long-term strategy," the Nestle corporation has bought a stake in Accera, "a company that makes milkshakes for Alzheimer's patients." Accera's brain-shakes can supposedly "slow down cognitive decline," and Nestle wants in on the action.

Now, much to my disappointment (how great would a study be that said, "Science discovers that delicious milkshakes make your brain huge and immortal!"?), the milkshake part of Alzheimer's milkshakes is pretty much incidental—the milkshake is just a vehicle for a powdered additive:

Nestlé has long been interested in the links between food and brain health. In 2006, it invested 25 million Swiss francs in a collaboration with ETH Lausanne, a leading Swiss technical university, to develop food products that protect the brain against diseases such as Alzheimer's. The company's interest in the field intensified last year with the launch of Nestlé Health Science.

...Accera sells Axona, an easy-mix powder that is added to milk or other liquids to make a once-daily drink. Axona is already given to 30,000 patients in the U.S. Axona is made from a compound derived from coconut oil that purports to provide an alternative energy source for the brain. In theory, this would help Alzheimer's patients because their brains are less able to use glucose for the energy they need.

Nestlé Health Science! Whoa. If the end result is birth control Goobers, Snickers laxative minis, and chemotherapy Lik-m-aid, I suppose I'm PRO. Candy companies expanding into pharmaceuticals is pretty fucking weird, and probably has a bunch of hella creepy implications that I'm just not seeing because I'm too busy thinking of medicinal dessert puns. Baked Alaspirin. Profiterolaids. Let's do this.