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Twelve year ago, my rosey world (where I knew nothing of: being a single mother, of losing a partner, losing my "married with children status", sleeping alone, and the list can go on) came crashing down from one simple look at a phone bill.

Just one half a glance look at a phone bill after a nice day out with my mother and grandmother - and I sat on the toilet while my stomach fell to the floor in disbelief of what I suspected right then and there.

Who knew that the world as we know it can turn around in an instant and change FOREVER?

I sure didn't. I thought my past of being alone, scared and lost were behind me. Truly my ex-husband was my savior at the age of 19. He "saved" me from a life that I wont' get into, but nevertheless, it was not a happy one. I thought I had left all that behind.

We had 10 years of vacations, planning, wedding, kids, buying a home, laughing, building a foundation of our future....and BAM...he took all that and threw it in the trash for a woman who only knew for 2 months.

I cried like I had never cried before. I got skinny like I never had before. Went from 160lbs to 110lbs. People thought I was on drugs. My mom thought I was going to die of starvation. My poor kids - god only knows what emotional damage I did to them during those first two years. Good thing they had my mom here to help. I'm sure I did my best, but I know it was not good enough.

I literally thought I would die. I actually prayed for God to take me at that time because I could not take the pain.

Flash forward 12 years, and I'm a survivor. I have not only survived, but I've lived. I secured a great job, I raised two handsome young men and have been on top of their education as much as I could, I've traveled a bit, I've dated a bit. Now, more than anything I pray to God to not take me now or anytime soon. I pray to God to let me keep living the life I want live. I pray to be thankful for everything I DO have.

I have come to a point in my life where I finally don't "need" anyone anymore. I was constantly in search of a new partner because I thought I'd never be happy unless I had a partner. Granted I hope to have that again someday and I do get very lonely, but I am no longer broken. I am no longer in search of someone else to complete me. I am complete on my own. I am my own person and would only want to share my experiences with someone - not need to them to do an experience, if that makes sense.

I am just typing here, and have not re-read what I am going to post here. Its all from the heart.

I am glad to be ALIVE. I am glad to be FREE.

thank you SI for all your support over these years. I couldn't have done it without you.

“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 29087 | Registered: Aug 2011

Must Survive♀ 34533Member # 34533

Posted: 1:32 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013

Thank you Click!

Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorced-Let my new beginning start

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive

click4it♀ 209Member # 209

Posted: 5:08 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013

thanks so much everyone. glad my post was helpful. I just typed it all out and didn't know it would have an impact. glad I shared my feelings today.

Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?

Posts: 25649 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California

tryingagain74♀ 33698Member # 33698

Posted: 5:45 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013

Thanks, click. I've hit DDay season (a couple of weeks after yours-- I'm two years out), and I've been very down. I needed a good dose of hope!

FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3745 | Registered: Oct 2011

peridot♀ 18334Member # 18334

Posted: 6:12 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013

Need a clapping hand and some pom poms for this post. WTG!

I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.

Posts: 4840 | Registered: Feb 2008

fraeuken♀ 30742Member # 30742

Posted: 9:45 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013

Hugs, click4it. Hope we can have a drink/snack/dinner to 12 years soon!

Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1281 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California

click4it♀ 209Member # 209

Posted: 11:18 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013

thanks guys! Man I had such a shitty day!! My boss was a total B..told me she doesn't want to talk to me about an issue I wanted to bring up to her because she is cranky, but yet she was willing to talk with everyone else in the office and she gave me cold shoulder all day...and I had an argument with my son, which resulted in him pouting for 4 hours and had a lousy dinner out with my kids....

Ugh, let this day just be over.

Was trying my damnest to start this day out on a positive note, but it just didn't turn out that way.

Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?

Posts: 25649 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California

okaynow♀ 13813Member # 13813

Posted: 11:15 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013

Love you Click. You are great!

Married 18 yrs, together 25+.
D-day: 2/18/07.
1 child
The story doesn't really matter anymore. Time is a great healer. Life is good.