smart thinking about sex, intimacy, and life in a body

MEDIA: What does a session of sex coaching look like?

Have you ever checked out my website and wondered what a session of sex coaching might look like? If so, you might want to have a look at this column that my friend Brian Moylan wrote for the online version of Vice magazine called “How to Quit Porn and Not Entirely Ruin Your Life.”

Brian spent a few years blogging about what is euphemistically called “adult video” for Fleshbot and recently decided, as an experiment, to take a break from masturbating to porn. To his consternation, he found that his libido evaporated without the high-intensity video stimulation he was used to. So he came in for a session with me to consult about this situation, and then he wrote about it in some detail.
Brian is a good writer who’s also hilariously matter-of-fact about sexual matters (“filthy” is a term of high praise for him). Describing our session, he says:

“After talking to him about my past habits and current predicament, he told me that my mind was so used to the excess stimulation of bodies rutting on screen that it was having trouble remembering how to enjoy a good old fashioned stroke like my grandparents used to. He suggested breaking all of my usual habits during “gentleman’s time.” He told me to experiment with a new time of day, new positions, new lube, and maybe even some new hand movements to shock myself out of complacency. We did some “body awareness” exercises, where I explored parts of myself other than the organs surrounding the taint to see what else gave me an erotic charge. He also taught me some new strokes—taking your dick and rubbing it with both hands like you’re trying to start a fire sounds ridiculous until you give it a whirl.

“All of those things helped, but the most important thing he told me was to not worry about squirting. I should enjoy playing with myself just for how good it made me feel, he said. With that advice, I started self-molestation all the time: in the morning, at work, in an empty row at the movies, while watching Real Housewives of New York… just about everywhere. Well, at least everywhere that wouldn’t put me in legal danger.”

He took away from our session a few useful principles that he was able to apply on his own at home. He describes finding some old sexy magazines, getting turned on by them, but choosing to stick by his determination to take a break from porn as an aid to self-pleasuring. “I decided to try everything that Don had told me: a new room in the house (bathroom), a new position (sitting perilously on the edge of the tub), some different lube (something called Stroke 29)… everything out of my comfort zone. … As I had done for the past few weeks, I enjoyed it for just what it was, but after a couple of minutes I knew I was finally going to cross the finish line (and after a week, what a finish line that was). While cleaning up I felt triumphant, albeit in a sort of Lance Armstrong-y way. Yes, porn had given me the initial, um, courage, but I relied on all my other senses and training to get the job done. Maybe this was a way of weaning myself off? I decided this meant I wasn’t 100 percent cured, but I was definitely on the way to becoming porn-free.”

Have you ever found yourself consumed with looking at porn in a way that felt excessive to you? Ever tried taking a break? I’d love to hear how that turned out for you.