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Saturday, September 17, 2016

I'm back!

My husband surprised me and bought me a new Chromebook so I can get back to writing again! Now my son can officially take over my iPad, my daughter can nap and I can blog in peace. Well try to anyways. heehee

So much has happened since April that I'm not sure where to start. At the end of July we met with our fertility specialist in hopes of having another FET. We had 5 embryos left and always wanted 3 kids, so the time was right. After discussing my past pregnancies and miscarriages, our doctor suggested we have our final 5 embryos tested and see how healthy they were and if they possibly had any unexpected issues. We weren't excited about the additional cost but agreed it was the safest thing to do and would save me from the possibility of another miscarriage. Our doctor was pretty confident that we'd have at least one healthy embryo but sadly after weeks of waiting and testing, we found out all 5 had chromosomal issues. Our hopes of having another child flew out the window and we felt lost. We always planned on having 3 kids. My husband even had 3 boy and 3 girl names picked out, never expecting that it wouldn't be possible.

We started the entire IVF process with the fear that we might not even be able to have one child but our hopes were lifted when we found out we had 13 embryos. One child seemed possible again, why not 3! I even joked with my husband that 3 was the limit, I wasn't having an entire football team! Now, suddenly, we're done. No football team. No reason to save the countless boxes of baby clothes and gear that have taken over our garage. Nothing. We're suddenly done. But not by choice. We ran through our options, risk trying to conceive naturally at the age of 38 and 42 years old, risk creating more embryos with serious chromosomal issues, risk more miscarriages or just stop and remember how blessed we are to have two very healthy and happy kids who we love beyond belief.

I felt like such an ungrateful ass for being so upset that a third child wasn't possible, we're lucky to have two considering everything we've gone through but like my friend reminded me, wanting more children to love is never a bad thing or something to feel bad about. Loving and caring for your kids is the most rewarding thing in the world and we wanted to share it with another child, how could that be a bad thing. I kept reminding myself that we're lucky to have two kids and a boy and girl at that but even two months later, the want for another baby is still there. My husband wanted to immediately clear out the garage, sell the baby gear and old clothes, try to move on and move on as quickly as possible but I'm still not mentally ready to do it.

It shocks me how hard it's been to let go of it all. My husband hasn't let it go either. He's researched adoption and even the risks of having more children naturally. And then it hit me...we have an option, a fairly safe option...adopt an embryo! We considered the idea of adopting out any healthy embryos we had left, why couldn't we now adopt one ourselves? It's basically an option for people like me who can safely carry a pregnancy full term but can't create a healthy embryo of their own. Similar to traditional adoption but you can experience pregnancy and childbirth and you have control over your pregnancy and health care, unlike traditional adoption. The idea opened up an option but also left us with more questions. So we're asking questions and considering the option.