The Hoops Cooperative presents

Menu:

Kid wanders into Hawks training session, becomes development player

Hawks DP Zac Delaney

September 15, 2009

WOLLONGONG—Lured by a misinterpreted offer of a "training session open to the public" as reported on the Wollongong Hawks website, local kid Zac Delaney yesterday slipped unnoticed into a Wollongong Hawks training session, joining the black team. By the end of the session Hawks head coach Gordie McLeod had announced that Delaney was their new development player.

Despite his small stature, Delaney proved to be a formidable player, making two successful passes and connecting on twelve high-fives during the scrimmage.

Since the announcement of the survival of the Wollongong Hawks team for the 2009/10 season, the Hawks have been under severe budget restrictions. "We are a bit short on cash and we do need another development player," Wollongong coach Gordie McLeod told our source. "It makes sense to recruit him, doesn’t it?"

"What do we call an obvious decision, Zaccy?" McLeod said slowly and deliberately, motioning Delaney to provide the answer. "A no-brainer!" exclaimed an excited Delaney, immediately raising his hand for yet another masterful high-five.

"We didn’t want to fork out the cash to advertise the development player position, so why not [give the development position to Delaney]?" McLeod continued."Give it to little Zaccy here," he said patting a proud Delaney on the head.

As a development player, Delaney may not see any court time, but his impact on the fan base is expected to be positive. "He’s an instant crowd favourite: a marketing bonanza," club CEO Wayne Morris told our source. "The crowd will surely support him like they do when a kid is shooting for a $50 Dimmocks voucher at half-time. Except little Zaccy will be around all the time. They'll be cheering him on to get a basket in the warm-ups, I'm sure."

"Zaccy tells us he’s a "wicked towel waver" and he is "a quickdraw" at getting the drink bottles out," McLeod said."He will also give the blokes in the box behind our bench a better view of the action. What more can you ask for in a development player?"

Morris interjected, "Shouldn’t it be developmental player?"

"Yeah, we put the ‘mental’ in ‘developmental player’," McLeod joked. Delaney momentarily looked confused before furiously waving his towel in an obvious attempt to impress the coach.

NBL fan anticipates utilising 8 minutes lost game time to wait in line to buy hot food

Larry Sengstock

September 10, 2009

MELBOURNE—In what is being described as a masterful maneuver in time management by Basketball Australia Chief Executive Larry Sengstock, an NBL fan plans to use the 8 minutes lost game time – a result of the change from a 48 minute game to a 40 minute game – to wait in line to buy a hot snack.

"Last season I’d leave to get hot food at half-time and I’d usually miss about 8 minutes of game time waiting in line to buy hot food," local fan Jim Garrison told the reporter at the hastily arranged news conference. "I figured if I timed my arrival to the hot food area well enough so that it overlapped with the 8 minutes of lost game time, I wouldn't miss any action. I’d be able to see the whole game!"

Basketball Australia Chief Executive Larry Sengstock heralded this as yet another shining example of the benefit of the reduction to a 40 minute game, along with "a lower average number of controversial refereeing decisions per game" and "a lower average number of turnovers per game, surely indicative of a higher quality of play."

Corey "Homicide" Williams laments loss of NBL's 'Taking it to the Streets' program

Corey Williams

September 7, 2009

TOWNSVILLE—Townville Crocodiles import point guard, Corey Williams, was inconsolable yesterday when a teammate let it slip that the National Basketball League used to have a program called "Taking it to the Streets".

The disclosure was produced by Cameron Tovey’s flippant response to yet another assertion by Williams that he is the best streetballer in the universe following a Williams drive through heavy traffic resulting in a simple layup.

"The NBL’s not streetball, dude," a frustrated Tovey said according to our sources. "The closest thing was the Taking it to the Streets games of a few years ago, but we don’t do that shit anymore!"

Upon hearing that he missed out on an apparent streetball version of the NBL – one which had the added bonus of the acronym "TITTS" – Williams displayed a rare moment of vulnerability and immediately broke down into tears in the corner of the gym.

"The years of projecting an ultra-confident exterior must have finally got to him," Townville coach Trevor Gleeson told our source. "You can only hold up that facade for so long. Underneath the confident bravado he is actually a deeply troubled man.He spends his life seeking validation from others because his father was very critical of him when he was growing up. To compensate for this lack of support, he has established an extremely arrogant persona, an alter-ego of sorts.

"But don’t tell him that, will you? His whole game is based on harnessing this feigned confidence."

"It was an honest mistake," Crocs forward Cameron Tovey said about his slip-up. "I know coach didn’t want him to know about it. All he talks about in training is how he is the silver surfer, the most dangerous player in streetball, NBA killer, The King of Streetball. I had enough, you know."

"I have to admit I wasn’t really thinking, just like when I play a game," Tovey admitted.

The Crocs staff and players quickly agreed not to tell Williams the true nature of the Taking it to the Streets program.They agreed it was better for Williams to release these emotions than tell him his mental breakdown was based on a misunderstanding.

During the emotional outburst, Williams remained coiled up in the corner of the gym. "In New York City born and raised, on the playground where I spent most of my days," Williams was overheard attempting console himself while quietly sobbing. "Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school," he mumbled before falling asleep.

He was later overheard mumbling in his sleep, "why aint I never not good enough for ya, pappa?"

This mumbled statement was enough to register his tenth triple-negative of the session, a new league record. When told of his double-digit triple-negative the next day, Williams proudly stated, "yo, yo, I told you! I told you! You aint thought I couldn't top the 23 threes in a game for impressiveness. Here's another record to the most dangerous player in streetball! Aint not nobody can beat the NBA killer!"

Heal edits own Wikipedia entryNow own childhood hero

Glen Saville, Shane Heal, Paul Rogers

July 28, 2009

GOLD COAST—After recently discovering the ease at which Wikipedia entries can be edited, Boomers assistant coach Shane Heal has updated his own Wikipedia entry to make mention of his childhood hero, himself.

A witness claims Heal sneaked into the Blaze office at lunchtime today to access the internet.

"Shane Heal spent countless hours practicing against his best known opponent: himself," the entry states. "During these formative years practicing in the backyard, Heal learned off himself to develop the deadly mental attitude that created a champion. As so many others have gone on to view him, Heal was a hero; in this particular case, to himself."

Heal then proceeded to edit Nathan Jawai’s Wikipedia page, according to the witness. According to the updated Wikipedia entry, Nathan Jawai's relatively dominant form during the recent Boomers tour was largely due to the "inspiration provided by having his childhood idol act as an assistant coach".

According to the entry -- and contrary to numerous media reports -- Jawai started playing basketball at age 5 in the "outer Brisbane suburb of Bamaga" looking up to his favourite Bullets player, Shane Heal.

The entry also suggests that Jawai was allured to the power of Andre Moore's game, but ultimately decided to idolise Shane Heal "surely due to his stylish platinum blonde hair, never-say-die attitude, unstoppable baseline fade-away, and less Asian-like skin tone."

Bad-boy NBA player not planning to release a hip-hop album

An even more stupid outburst than in Detroit

June 20, 2009

UNITED STATES—In what has shocked the NBA and the recording industry, a bad-boy NBA player is not planning to release an album.The NBA player, who refuses to be named for fear of diminished reputation, admitted following a heavy drinking session that his preference in music was actually far more sophisticated than his fellow bad-boy players.

"Comparing the music I like with the music they like is like comparing Michael Jordan with Jason Collins," the player told our source. "One is an all-time classic, whereas the other hardly even qualifies as a contemporary flash in the pan."

When asked about his favourite music, the player paused a moment for consideration. "The works of Bach are the hallmark of baroque polyphony, while the masterpieces of Mozart and Beethoven are the quintessential developments of classical style," the player commented. "However, my preference would be with the romantic era style of Chopin or Rachmaninov. Rachmaninov’s Piano Concerto number 2 in C-Minor opus number 18 would have to be his magnum opus. Now that is dope, yo!"

Dragons too good for Tigers, 2009/10 NBL competition

Dragons quit while they are ahead

May 27, 2009

MELBOURNE—Coming off an emphatic grand final win, South Dragons co-owner Mark Cowan has shocked the league by announcing the withdrawal of the South Dragons from the 2009/10 competition citing an "unfair competitive advantage".

"We’re just too damn good now," Cowan told our source. "The professionalism – on and, especially, off the court – of the Dragons organisation has been the shining beacon in an otherwise gloomy league. We have the best marketing department, the best website, the best remote control blimp – which was my idea, by the way. We also have the best uniforms, and the best financial backing… I mean, best players. As Freddy Mercury so eloquently put it during our grand final celebrations, we have "no time for losers".So why bother playing against them again?"

Cowan revealed that everything had gone to plan in his mission to bring his own NBL team to championship glory, even the wooden spoon of the previous season. "C’mon, who would’ve appointed Shane Heal as player-coach if they were serious about winning? Raphael Geminder and I both operate successful businesses. Do you think we're that stupid? We just wanted to set another league record before taking out the ultimate prize this season.It’s like a cat toying with a mouse."

The dominance of the Dragons side was such that they needed to play down to the level of the competition to make it a more interesting spectacle. "To outside observers it may have appeared to be an epic, evenly matched grand final series, but the only reason it went to 5 games was because we wanted more playoff income," Cowan revealed. "We’re so good that we can do that.”

The withdrawal of the Dragons from the NBL poses further problems league-wide. Sources inside NBL headquarters state that the league is outraged by the decision. "If we learned anything from the independent review, it was the importance of having an eight team competition," a league spokesman told journalists. "Not seven, eight!"

"Now that the Dragons are gone, I suppose we’ll have to let Wollongong back in."

Goorjian teams not in origami contest

CHINA—The shock withdrawal of the South Dragons from the 2009/10 NBL competition puts the league’s number one coach, Brian Goorjian, in a state of limbo.

"I’ve had so much experience with teams folding on me that I’ve developed an ability to sense when we're about to hit rough seas, so to speak," Goorjian told our source.

"Last time my team went down in troubled waters I'd the opportunity to promptly jump off the sinking ‘Titanic’ ship to a luxurious Kings vessel and set sail towards three consecutive championships," Goorjian said straining to extend the analogy further. "But this time it feels like I've been marooned."

"Those Kings days were almost too good to be true," Goorjian added. "That Johnston guy was so good at making everyone feel so comfortable with the situation. Oh, and he gave me a briefcase full of cash the first time I met him. Unmarked Russian currency."

Goorjian admits that he was manipulated by Tim Johnston. "He was such a smooth talker. I even bought some of his other product, “Placebotics”, which looked and tasted suspiciously like vitamin C pills, but apparently had wonderful healing properties, supported by substantial medical evidence that he was going to show me later in the boot of his car."As often as Goorjian teams fold, he didn't foresee such an early demise of the Dragons. "Usually it's because I demand the best roster, and we all know that's going to cost well over the salary cap. The same was the case with the Dragons, but I thought it'd be at least another year or two before the funds ran out," Goorjian said.

Following the difficult experience of directly working for a fugitive criminal, Tim Johnston, and indirectly working for a criminal organisation, the illegal cartel-running VISY, Goorjian is adamant that he will only now work for a reliable organisation that is free from immorality and controversy. "The Chinese Government has told me that they only have good intentions," Goorjian said grasping a shiny steel briefcase.

Dragons win championship, proceed to trash venue

MELBOURNE—Staff at Hisense Arena were outraged last night as members of the South Dragons basketball team allegedly trashed the venue during their championship celebrations.

Among the alleged misdemeanors by the Dragons staff and players was petty theft via the removal of fixtures (including both nets) and the littering of confetti. The misbehaviour was apparently fueled by alcohol, most notably champagne, according to witnesses. As players went into the crowd to celebrate with fans, Hisense Arena staff additionally allege that the players proceeded to vandalise fans' t-shirts and singlets by "tagging" them.

Hisense Arena has threatened to sue the Dragons. If Hisense Arena is successful with such litigation it could spell the end of the club.

The Ozho sues The Bball Scoop for "surely wanting to steal content"

A recent issue of The Ozho

March 4, 2009

MELBOURNE—Lawyers of The Ozho, a limited release online newspaper, issued a writ late yesterday afternoon to The Hoops Cooperative, the writers of The Bball Scoop, to cease thinking about plagiarising material from the unpopular pseudo-newspaper.

The issue was promptly settled out of court late last night. Although the details of the settlement are confidential, our sources at the The 'Scoop can reveal that The Ozho received three The Bball Scoop badges and keyrings in exchange for the rights to copy The Ozho. Both parties appeared to be pleased with the outcome.

Inside sources leak news of launch of The Bball Scoop

March 3, 2009

EARTH—The Australian basketball landscape will be forever changed with the launch of a new online publication, The Bball Scoop. The 'Scoop is an independent, privately run Australian basketball news source compiled by a collection of the best internet leakers on the Australian basketball scene.

“We first became aware of this site before The 'Scoop was even established.”, an anonymous source within The 'Scoop commented. “That’s how connected we are”.

Despite the unexpected news leak, those behind The 'Scoop were cautious not to preempt reports of the establishment of their own website. “We had sources murmuring about this website for days before we decided to form the website ourselves and leak the news of this new website to the internet world via this website”.