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LAS VEGAS—disappointed by what was mostly a substantive debate on issues, angry voters from across the political spectrum have demanded the Democrats overhaul future debates to ensure more “stupid insults and attention-grabbing antics” in the future.

“First of all, if I wanted to learn about the issues, I would have read the magazines in my dentist’s office, okay?” said Chris Shelbourne, a fitness instructor who went to a buddy’s house to watch the debate. “Second, if they aren’t going to stand up there and make fun of each other’s appearance, then why am I even watching this?”

Said Shelbourne, “it was just blah blah blah domestic policy this and blah blah blah foreign policy that. Are we electing a President? Or what?”

Pundits were equally critical, and demanded changes to future debates. “First, we need way more people up there on stage,” said Susan O’Connell, Director of Ratings-Driven Stunts at Fox News. “Ten was okay for the Republicans, but let’s take it further—fifteen, twenty, so many that people need to be completely outrageous in the few chances they get to speak. Second, I know Trump is taken, but there must be some real blowhard Democrats they can get up there to spout offensive garbage. Third, Chris Christie should be invited to every debate, because he’s awesome.”

Scrambling to respond, the campaigns of Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders issued a joint statement, in which they promised to release thirty yo-momma jokes by the end of the week.

[REDACTED]–as controversy grows over Hillary Clinton’s refusal to use government email systems while Secretary of State, the presidential candidate has scheduled an open-attendance town-hall meeting to “clear the air,” at a location that will not be shared with the public.

“We’d like the public to have a chance to hear directly from Hillary on these and other issues,” said a spokesman. “We’re going to throw the doors open and let all comers ask anything they want, if they can just figure out where we are.”

The spokesman went on to say that for “operational and strategic reasons,” the campaign wouldn’t be more specific other than to say that the meeting would take place somewhere in the continental United States, perhaps “at an eating establishment of some kind, or maybe an actual hall or room or something.”

Clinton, who has had trouble in the past with an apparent penchant for secrecy, issued a statement that began “Dear Friends,” followed by six pages of blacklining and then a request for money.

WASHINGTON–cementing a trend towards greater open-mindedness, the Republican Party today altered its official platform to start bemoaning how no one respects gay marriage any more, and how things are much worse than they used to be.

“We need to be seen as the party of tolerance,” said Reince Priebus, RNC chairman. “That’s why, effective immediately, we will start making narrow-minded judgments about how all Americans, gay and straight, are letting this country go to the dogs.”

Like many people, Priebus attributed his change of heart to getting to know gay people in everyday life. “There used to be this unmarried gay couple that lived across the street, and I never thought anything of it,” he explained. “Then one day, I saw the two of them, and it just started to make me mad–living in sin like that just made me sick, and it was tearing at the fabric of our society. And that’s a change towards inclusion I hope all Republicans can make.”

Lisa Niedermayer, a divorced lesbian mother of two, was pleased to hear of the change in the GOP platform. “On behalf of divorced gay people everywhere, I’m really pleased that I’ve started to be a disappointment to the Republican Party,” she said.

WASHINGTON—the White House confirmed today that President Obama has asked Harry Reid to write and deliver tonight’s State of the Union Address, noting that “if I got involved in every little political event in Washington, I’d never get any work done.”

The decision caught many observers by surprise, as the address is normally a President’s best opportunity to set the agenda for the year ahead and generate momentum behind legislative proposals. However, an aide noted that “the President just doesn’t feel like he should get sucked in to this kind of point-scoring.”

The aide denied that the President’s decision reflected any kind of disengagement with his job or the political process. “He is hard at work on his memoirs,” explained the aide, “and also thinking about post-Presidency plans.”

In another unconventional move, the President reportedly asked Nancy Pelosi to ask Harry Reid to deliver the speech, noting that “I can’t afford to spend all my time jawboning with Congress.” The administration later issued a clarification, noting that the President had actually asked a White House gardener to speak to Pelosi, explaining that Obama didn’t have her phone number anywhere.

NEW YORK—seeking to regain momentum in his campaign for Mayor of New York, following revelations that he had continued sending pornographic tweets even after his resignation from Congress, Anthony Weiner today promised that “if elected Mayor of this great city, I will send each and every voter a glossy, high-resolution photo of my junk.”

Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, Weiner admitted that he had “continued to take inappropriate actions” over the last two years. “Foremost among them,” explained the candidate, “was that I only shared Little Anthony with a select handful of ladies, when I should have shared him with the world.”

The issue resurfaced on Tuesday after reports by bloggers. Later that day, Weiner confronted his records and found that his last sexually explicit online chat had taken place not shortly before his June 2011 resignation from Congress, as he previously believed, but at 4:15pm that afternoon.

AUSTIN—stating that his goal was to “protect ladies from unsafe surgical procedures,” Gov. Rick Perry of Texas today signed a bill that would prevent any woman of childbearing age from entering the state.

“Texas men are irresistible,” explained Perry. “Once you let women in this state, they’ll probably be pregnant in minutes, and then they might get an abortion, which could lead to uncontrollable bleeding. So this is just to protect our ladies, really.”

The no-women-allowed law is a stronger version of a previous bill aimed at restricting abortion. Under the previous law, which was successfully filibustered by Democrats, abortions could only take place in clinics that met statewide surgical standards, had at least one doctor on staff with hospital privileges, and had the ability to launch a satellite into space.

Responding to criticism that deporting millions and millions of Texan women would lead to a massive exodus of families and destroy the state’s economy, Perry was unapologetic. “What price is too great to save a human life?” he asked rhetorically, while behind him a half-naked child with whooping cough tugged on his pants and asked for medicine.

A few minutes later, Perry was handed a note by an aide, and interrupted his prepared text to issue a correction. “Apparently in Texas we believe $500 is too great,” he clarified.