Wednesday, July 19, 2006

this is the beginning of the end.i am unsure if i want to keep this upthis front

the one that speaks to peopleposing as poetsarguing the devices with mispronouciation

i hate NY for thatbringing in a generation that assume they

got this shyt on lockwithout studyor respect or skill, barely talent

you are a failed rapperi think.any bum on any given

A train is talentedwhen you goin' make God proud?then the drama follows

the things that fall out ofof order;out of a teenagers mouth,

combusting into gossipthat will be served with beerand shots of tequila

upset my stomachbrim over my consciousmake me laugh when alone

as if i could be any less sanethan nowbut i know the talking

is just a sign that im doing it write

that is for the vultures. once i have returned from nationals. i will spill the beans. honestly. i would do it now, if i wasn't trying to be an adult about it. but then again, by the time nationals is over, i will have forgotten about it because honestly. it's boring already.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

anything more than this is just another blog. don't. this is a happy medium. i've had few days where lifejustis.

i like it.not expecting the worse.though i have been missing my childimmensely. i call her constantlyand worry just as much.

i feel silly most timesthen sometimes - i feel likehow could i not worry. after working at a group homeand for the many non-profits thatprotect and provide for childrenthat have been abandoned, molested,and beaten -- i am always extra sensitive.

as if that's even possible.but it seems it is.

now i sit in coffee shopswondering if she misses melike i miss herwondering if all this shyt i'veinvolved myself in is worth losing out summer time with her -- then i remembernyc is cool -- but a kid needsan alternative

and i love cali for that.it is home of the bike riding bancheesthat are my neice and nephews.where they smell grass and dirt and polleninstead of JUST car smoke, asphalt and tar.

hmph. i dont know where i was goingbut i know where i wasn't -- and that's to the drama filled portion that is mypoetry life. lol

to even separate it like that and give it a title is hilarious in itself.but, when things go awry and folks find themselveslosing themselves to the same egos theycondemened...then its time for separation ofchurch and state.

Monday, July 17, 2006

they say the bad news comes in this order... but it hard for me to believe this past month has been a mere count of three. let's see:

1 - first team hurdle, not too much of an upset, but definitely a precedent set for destruction.2 - second team hurdle, this took 3 weeks to manifest, and when it should have exploded and we walk away carving shrapnel out of our skin -- it imploded, damaging some internal shyt. no recovery as of yet.3 - third team hurdle, and i thought i would lose it. saw red for a couple of seconds, lost my speech and wanted to start swinging - for no other reason than i could. and it would've made me feel better, instantly. but that's not how adults handle real life ish. ok. breath - count and breath - still counting.

my personal friendships have been the most painful, team slam ish - will pass after august, if anything -- that's just an endurance test -- but friendships, those are what i hope to have for a lifetime. this is the reason i nuture them. implore and challenge the weight.

4. one of my great friends is having the hardest time of her life. and i feel like shyt. i don't know how to help - how to hold her hand, how to hug her... she is a soldier. and she blinks ice in the face of adversity, so even i am a lil' intimidated. but when i saw her face wither and turn to mushy sadness. collage of all the women i knew and loved, i cried with her. i willed her peace. but it didn't matter. she had to finish the course. and the journey left her in another country. i worry of her. and she offers text messages of safety in return. 5. this beauty reminds me of me. the pain, the unknowing, the hurt, the confusion, the blame, the why and the why nots. her will to make it thru the prickley bush is astounding, and she is human. so i try to help nurses the cuts and bruises, offer miso soup and jokes about vegans... she only laughs sometimes6. no one thought we would connect how we did. but she is like me in so many ways. and i could not help but be her friend. how do you tell an angel im not interested in you having my back? not as easy -- even under such circumstances. but i wish i couldve figured out a better way to protect her. cracker jack interpretations are only funny when one doesn't yearn for a real answer. and i feel horrible. to know the investment she has made is equal to that farm land in Florida. to admit the foundation is built with selfishness, asbestos and fiberglass, is a harder feat than you might think. i know she is strong enough to maintain. and i know she is strong enough to walk this trail alone, but me knowing and her believing are two different things. so i wait. assured she knows i will help her pick up the pieces whenever she is ready.7. and then there is 1. our friendship was built on books and coffee. and i enjoyed her love for the word and life. and her unwillingness to participate in the poetry bullshit was even more refreshing. but the sound of her breaking heart, even when she read the general surgeons warning on the side of the box which read: he will break your heart. no, really -- is an uneasy slow scrap of pain. it is the bleeding scab, the black eye, the bruised sternum. the crooked house alone with shattered windows. and she is beautiful struggling to maintain her presence. struggling to find herself. again and again, she will fail. she has not learned how awkward her beauty is, yet. but when she does - she will feel better about times like this. when she cried. when she wallowed in pity. when she was slapped out of the idea of happily ever after. then she will fall in love with the happily right fuck'n now. and she will shine. i can't wait to see it.

and i was told that i need to have more me time. the love of my life says i am too involved. too personal. he is right. he is right more often than i give him credit for - but i see him. i peeped him for all his mystically correct splendor. so when he said keep cats out ya pocket. i should've listened.8. but i trusted her. and thought conversations about life would remain as patchwork for betterment, not ammunition to spill secrets. i don't know how to look at her the same. i wish her the best. she is brilliant, but she needs room to grow. 9. he became a person that i didn't know. someone i had no idea could existe behind such admirable words. or maybe, he was always that person. just on his best behavior? the less i think about it - the better i feel. the more i feel. i wish him well. 10. my sister can be a damn maniac. she is overbearing and loud and bossy. but she is my sister. and now that she is in love, and talks of marriage - all she wants is my support. which is offer - wholeheartedly. but her new half is not my type of person. he made mistakes in the past that reflect a manipulative character. but she is happy. so i am happy for her. however, a decision i made recently which would separate us from interacting has made her sad. sadder than i ever expected. and if i could swallow the decision whole and take back her tears i would. probably. but there is a part of me, that has tired of giving in. i just want to be left alone. chill with my family and if they have their significant other that irritates me, i will remove myself without drama. without any extra additives. i thought that would put her at ease. i usually am all about MAKING YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE if i dont like you. but something happened recently. i grew up. and realized i am an adult. and adults don't have time to worry about tiny things like that. she didn't feel the same. because im still nightmarin' about her tears. and i don't know what to do.

so this is what has happened all those blogs ago. i haven't been able to write because i haven't been able to figure it out. and im still wading thru the madness. but i see the light. and i am feeling like i have a prayer. a hope. a reason to be happy. i have a beautiful daughter and an incredible partner. i am blessed. and while i internalize a lot of my friend's problems -- i know that while taxing, this is only how i know how to be.

a couple of days ago, i had a moment of weakness. life was overwhelming and i couldnt think straight. i wanted to be alone. i wanted to work on breathing and farting and being still. but i went against my judgement and helped a friend -- even though i was in ME mode. and it took a turn for the worse. i left her house feeling more distraught than when i was when i initially walked into her house. and i know she meant well. but, it was a moment of clarity. i needed me time and was willing to give it up so easily. my schedule for the past quarter has been trying to say the least, and those moments when i get to just sit and be quiet are few and far between. so i am figuring out a way to rekindle my love relationship with self. i am wearing more dresses and skirts. i am being happy with the gut that i couldnt seem to lose no matter the exercise, eating regiment, relacor or hydroxycut, i am writing my daughter letters and professing my love. he is beautiful. i tell him every second i can. now, i have to start telling me the same thing. i am writing. working on publishing as promised, but focusing on my shyt. it's been awhile. but i have to focus on me.

Friday, July 14, 2006

i.if i ever found the wordsto slice from your tongue with precisioni'd use nothing but my claws

ii.purposeful poet, vengeful for reasons unknownyou could not love the parts thatsuited you best

iii.there is forgiving, then there is forgettingyou need a definition for bothfind the ability to blink before reflectionacceptance will remain your highest hurdle,hate is still the four-letter word thatrocks you to sleepeven, now

iv.how have you managed?manchild womanstorm - free spiritwho will welcome you home?when will your soiled footprints be enoughof a growth spurt?when will you realize your potential?when will you let go?

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

living like i dont see the truth/is murder of my soul/and i wonder when i will stop caring about what he say/she thought/they do/before i throw a couple of fuk it's to the wind/and sit at a cafe/drinking coffee/happy with my decision/heir to hermit life/but that ain't me/love the laughter i can crease into a mother's pain/her confusion clouding around us/i find words that make her forget it/for a second/a couple of minutes/for now/for i remember being her/thoughts crayola'd on my eyelids/ love a fantasy so familiar i could taste the ending/the glass slippers/the ugly step sisters/the witch/but no one told me the prince would be an asshole/that he might save me/create a haven for me/but as soon as the story ended and no one was watching/he'd flip my spirit inside out for good measure/assured i'd never leave/never question his stares/never concerned about his other maidens/hidden between the lines of poetry/no one offered the truth./and now i wonder/why on earth/would i tell her everything/when the fairy tales are enough/and make the lies sweet enough/to swallow whole.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Friday, July 07, 2006

barkley makes me happy. i listen to cee-loo croon as if in his bathroom,in church - with no remorse. i realize i am in love.

again.

new york has treated me beautifully. maybe not all the people i know,but it has been considerably kind to me. i adore every cobble stone andbroken ankle for it.

but i have been losing sleep lately. not the type of sleep that keeps youtossing and turning. but the sleep that never comes, because the heat is toopainful to ignore. or the kids outside fighting are too ignorant to ignore.or the man snoring next to you, is to beautiful to ignore.

either the case. i'm sleepless in bklyn. minus the internet dating. add theinstances of crazy seinfeld friendships over bagels and coffee and book clubs that rarely discuss the book but more so our life and the poetry. madness and all.

i had to put poetry on a time out.

too tired to fight the powers that are -- i decided to become THE power. what that means? you will see soon. until then, i have allocated 2 days to my slam team, 1 day to my hosting responsibilities and the bulk of my time,energy, heart will go to our production: JAM. he is growing, our child ofwonder.

spreading fingers and toes and giggling with teething gums. a year he willbe in September 2006. then we have the second stage of life waiting to happen --what is it?that's a surprise too. but trust me. it's not just for me and him and him and her.