BUDWEISER HAS A NEW NAME, AND THAT NAME IS AMERICA

Let's just get this out of the way quickly because you're probably not going to understand it the first time I say it: Budweiser is renaming its beer "America." The beer Budweiser will henceforth be known as America. When you gingerly lift a tall boy of Budweiser out of your bodega's fridge, what you'll really be lifting is a tall boy of America. Got it? Budweiser, the King of Beers, will now respond only to its new chosen name, America.

America, as you may be aware, is also the name of a country. Budweiser doesn't seem to mind this conflation, and instead seems to view its name choice as something of a patriotic duty. The rebranding is a nod to the 2016 presidential race, Fast Co Designreports, and the cans will reportedly go back to normal after the November election. Tosh Hall, the creative director at the branding firm behind the name change, delivered a really perfect nonsense statement to Fast Co: "We thought nothing was more iconic than Budweiser and nothing was more iconic than America." Nothing is more iconic than Budweiser, except perhaps America, and nothing is more iconic than America, except perhaps Budweiser.

I am both sincerely giddy and honestly disturbed by this news. While it's true that I do love spectacle, and I do love to yell "AMERICA" in a husky voice every time I crack open a can of Bud, I don't like my beer-fueled patriotism foisted upon me like some red, white, and blue cold sore. And while this is delightful to me in the same way that dogs who walk on two legs are delightful to me (i.e., completely unaware of their own absurdity), there are definitely some people out there who will respond to this news with entirely straight-faced statements like, "It's about time someone named their beer after the greatest country in the world." Dear God. Or should I say, Beer God.

One more thing: does this mean we can now use the terms "Budweiser" and "America" interchangeably? The United States of Budweiser? Budweiser's Got Talent? Budweiser Ferrera? Who knows! Throw everything you used to know in the trash, and crack open an America, because this is Budweiser country now.