Feel This

What if feelings were simply
make believe, and the pain
we suffer just a made up thing?

But they aren’t.
They’re real, aren’t they?

How they rule out hearts.
We let them lead us around
and try to explain to our mates
why we just had to have one more
pair of shoes, or to our parents why
we snuck out of the house to
meet our boyfriend again.

I remember how I used them to
explain my relationship with a
higher power, but ended up
doubting, because I felt like a
prisoner about to be hung.

How quick the righteous were
to drop their blade of intolerance
of judgement. But I escaped.

Briefly, I was absent of feelings,
and free from authority. I thought
I had moved out from under the
snide mouth of the patent leather
of life, too naive to understand there
would still be judgement from those
other misconceived safe places.

My heart breaking like a glass.
Coca-Cola bottle on the sidewalk.
My life there between the cracks
and crevices, where it’s ninety-nine
degrees in the breeze,
but there is no breeze.

Pain grieving in the hot sun of truth,
and in my existence. Do we give into
the black and blue assortment of scars
in the making, or do we fight to move
past the doubt and adversity and
into a peaceful existence?

A wonderful little truth seeking story. Myself, I’m guilty of these unbridled feeling of great expectations. The heart wants what it wants, at any cost.
I envy those who seem to control there actions better. Maybe the grandparent effect, in time wisdom allows humilty, not to think less of ourselves, but think of ourselves less.
The judgemental overtones become less of our business. Counted blessings revile the purest of feelings to hold. I love this.♡♡

For poets, isn’t it always true that our emotions rule our lives? We don’t look at the universe the same way others do. and it makes us love it so much more but it also makes us skeptical of about things that offer a “quick relief to pain”
We know that life is pain…and there is pain even in the happy moments. Our hearts pick up the vibrations of the universe and translate them into pure emotion, which we show other people who exist in this place with us. Often times what we show them is something they do not want see…or which prove that something they have thought to be true…for a very long time…may in fact be a figment of their own imagination.

Eric, yes, absolutely. However, I sometimes envy those who see things through eyes of reasons and logic. Feeling eveytime with such intensity is exhausting at times. Like you though, I don’t know any other way to live. I wouldn’t be me if I closed off my emotions and suddenly became sane. Ha-ha

The key to not letting your head rule your heart? Die inside. That’ll fix your little red wagon. It sure fixed mine….now I have no illusions of happiness or a peaceful existence.
This was a beautiful read. Well done.

Hiya Tosha – you good? I feel that you’re good. Yeah.
Poems are usually incomprehensible but this one that you done wrote really spoke to me. Each line touches me and resonates within like … like I once watched this movie called ‘Black Snake Moan’ – perhaps you’ve seen it? Anyway – I happened to be holding one of my guitars during part of the movie and when Samual L. Jackson was playing guitar (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFkIHsODYPY) – I could literally feel my guitar singing in response. For me, it was a deep, almost sensual experience. This is very similar to how I feel on reading this poem.

Yeah, all is well here in sunny England. I’m at work and looking forward to leaving for home in a few minutes so that I can commence reading a lovely little tome that I started this morning called Self Help to Self Harm: The Dubious Guide to Life, Love and Relationships. I’m enjoying this book so very much, Tosha! 🙂

Thanks. I had about 3 hours of sleep last night. I’m feeling more sparse and ice. I don’t even know what that means. Apparently, I either turn into Queen Elizabeth when I am tired or the ditzy blonde from every chick flick known to mankind.

The more I know about you, Tosha – the more I like. I’ve almost finished reading your book and I am so very warmed and entertained by it. I hope you realise how talented and funny (ha ha) you are.
Sparse and ice? I totally get that. Hope you get some good sleep tonight.
Bedtime for me in a few minutes. 🙂

Aww. Thank you. It’s true. I’m very likeable. Lovable, even at least that what the voices in my head tell me. Of course they also tell me Donald Trump has nice hair, so. ..I hope you have a lovely sleep.

Did you sleep better last night? I have gotten into the habit of going to bed between midnight and 1am and then getting up for work at 6.30am. Strange that I don’t feel very tired. Perhaps my need for sleep is changing as I get older.
Hmm.

I read somewhere that we needed us as we get older. Okay, I think I did. Anyway, I did sleep better. Thank God. Currently, listening to my cat moan plaintively. What he has to be disgruntled about, I have no idea. He is the most spoiled cats in the history of spoiled cats

I can hear your accent, Tosha. As you said ‘less’ your device heard ‘us’. It’s good to hear your voice. 🙂
Does it feel weird that I know the name of your rock star cat (Tucker)? I must admit that the experience of reading your book was rather voyeuristic at times. Makes me rather want to write my own. Then – if I was going on a date or something I could just say – here, read this first – it’ll save some time. Then I could just get on with my knitting while she read.

Not weird at all. Tucker is a legend. You should write your own book. I certainly would read it. It also would save you a lot of time in the dating world. That’s such a funny visual. You going on a date and handing a girl a guide to you.

We are too spookily similar, Tosha. As I was typing that I was thinking ‘why are you saying that, Robert – you know they’re under the bed!’ I guess I was just trying to fit in to the US culture of monsters in the closet. Heck, I don’t even have a closet!!
Note to self – be true to self with this girl – she’s smart and she appreciates honesty.

Wha? You saying it’s all in our imagination? Nah man – I reject your hypothesis! Show me the quantitive analyses. Show me the studies. Show me the data. Show me the empirical evidence. Show me the stats.

The landlady seems content, now what you said earlier on or i said about being “tough” that is quite a definition, I believe that my toughest person are you gals, i went through quite a lot, but you gals are tough, tell you that, and also my new bulldog, wich my mother bought, seems i was quite not enough 😦 so yep, cool dog…and was going to say that would put me in a pussy rigg, but yes, my mother is the one who raised me, she never put fear on me, fear was not an option ( i know it sounds kliche but it is true) so i got nothing, but i do never walk out like a pussy (sorry) i get up and i do stay up, i do know myself, what i can do and what i can t, so there you go,
this was a freaking long comment

The las part is right, about mom being a strong lady you are also right, about the wealth thing….sorry but f-that, not cool being broke, but i do have this computer to write at least, but try going for, first i should add leaving in the streets, and once you do get out and got my own apartment, yep, got the apartment, but no food no cigareetes ( they are more important than food), no going out to the movies no nothing, just move from place to place asking for Jobs, wich in Spain the environment for Jobs is quite bleak to put it milldly, so you are a lucky woman, you better believe it, i will tell you something, i am a survivor, been in worst situations and i can handle this thing, but is not easy so what you sais “wealth comes from the silent spirit and good heart” tell my spirit that after i go two days without food

Not struggling when I write, takes my mind out of everything, plus struggling is part of life, you either make it screw you up (wich i did) and also lift you up, or just survive,
by the way are you still going to marry me?

Really?… well silver it will be, with a big diamond on top, as Marilin Monrow ( I spelled that wrong, the computer is configured in Spanish, plus i just type it out quickly withouth not much thinking….with exceptions, so what i was going to say i forgot, so silver with a diamond on top, girls like diamonds….

Yes you did hurt my feelings,so now say “I´m sorry!!!!!”damn, I did smoke good Green leaves, but is what not my fault, by the way I absolutely have no money for the rest of the month, my fault again but i hate when people say or they fuck up and then say “my bad” just that Word want´s to snack them, or just talk with them, i am a solidary and great justice missionary

Me too I forgot what we were talking about, i got other conversations also, but i do know this, everytime i see your gravatar i smile, by the way did you really say ” I´m a greedy” and then “bitch”….Jesús woman! what´s with you language, you´re a lady, at least in my mind so don´t screw that one up, I´m too used to be around really bitches, so I do regard you as a lady, not perfect obviously but a lady anyways, and don´t judge me for being aroudn those type of girls, wich at the same time does says quite about me I guess, but not all it says, I can tell you that, loooooooooove ya! By the way you could make a song singing about me, that would be the greatest gift

No judgement ever. I’m a lady with a potty mouth.. I’m not a bitch, but have my less than moments. I spent way too many years censoring myself and trying to be proper and perfect. Nowadays, I strive to be kind but outspoken. I do hope you find someone who will treat you well. We all deserve to be loved and respected. As for a song , I tried that Arctic Monkey one and it just didn’t suit my voice. Any other suggestions?

I’m double, triple and even quadruole feeling lots. No, that dream plays all night. That person, your lack of a beacon and a receipt once was available but now it seems the item may not get returned, which effects a lot.

I expected to be squaring things out but I can’t. I guess she was bluffing until she serves me with papers and then I can be dealt with it for a long time. She said she was leaving and the lqndlord was never her back her security. I don’t have anywhere close to what would be needed. I did get an interview 3 hours ago 900 cash elder care and they said oh sorry we were looking for a woman… It is really bad here and to travel has also been painful

I interviewed for a position, came home, was offered the job and was thrilled. 1 minute I got the umm I was not supposed to hire a male for this position. I am just hoping I work The Derby and Mother’s Day and pick something up prior and in between The Belmont. If I got lucks I could find myself in a different living situation and then hopefully I can just go anywhere. But I try not to forecase luck:)

I sure as hell hope so. I normally get my ass kicked this time of year by one horse while coming up with a lot of bombs. So, I get teased. I left a horse out that would’ve cost 6 bucks and it cost me 95k before taxes.

You nut! You forgot to have a song, totally irrelevant but it just popped up into my pea brain, I had to google it to find out what it was! Quite funny to me, but I’m enjoying the tune 🙂 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ssCL292DQA

“Do we give into
the black and blue assortment of scars
in the making, or do we fight to move
past the doubt and adversity and
into a peaceful existence?”
A wise person seek happiness when surrounded by adversity. I enjoyed your words and thoughts.

I “discovered” you when I spied a comment you left for Robert…and, I just found it delightful…and, then I read this absolutely beautiful poem and had to let you know how much I appreciate your gift…thanks for sharing 🙂

Well, what a lovely surprise…and privilege…this day just keeps getting better…it started out really good, got rocky toward the end of the work day…but, I was determined to fight to keep my joy and positivity….thank you for your valued contribution 🙂

I’m relatively new to blogging…as I’m sure you can see given my “bare bones” blog (yours is elegance), but I am sooooooo loving the connections here…I am absolutely delighted to know that I can share and that others can relate….thank you for your kindness…it is validating to know that others get what it’s like to fight for peace of mind and joy…the alternative (anxiety, angst, frustration, hurt feelings etc) is not something that I am going to allow to bring me down…not today…not today 🙂 And, thank you soooo much for taking the time to read chapter one! 🙂

My pleasure. WP is such a wonderful community. There are so many wonderful and supportive people here (as you are finding out) It’s my favorite place to be when I’m online. I feel you on the negative emotions. I know the struggle well. We’ll both keep fighting!

Tosha, you make some valid points and bring up good questions about the human system of feeling.

Pain grieving in the hot sun of truth,
and in my existence. Do we give into
the black and blue assortment of scars
in the making, or do we fight to move
past the doubt and adversity and
into a peaceful existence?

I think human emotions are controlled by these little engineer people in our neurons. Trying to say to us when we should feel and how we feel react and feel. It’s all part of the mind and how you control that is up to the persons decision.

Either way, I love this poem and the way you question humanity. Excellent and again another of my favorite poems by you. 🙂

Hey buddy! Been missing you on WP. Thank you. I think you’re right. It’s when we try and push our feelings down or act like they don’t exist that we lose our proverbial shit Maybe we should just speak our truths and those who truly get us, will understand and those who don’t can move the eff along.

Poet and word nerd. . Author of Confessions of a Reformed Southern Belle: A Poet's Collection of Love, Loss, and Renewal, and Self Help to Self Harm: The Dubious Guide to Life, Love, and Relationships. Podcast host at La Literati. Social Justice Advocate- Bridge to Freedom. Academia addict. Sempiternal dreamer. Habitual ponderer. Lover of history, free thinkers, and music with lots of brass.