Monday, September 19, 2011

Smashing Videos!

Have you ever seen those 'skate videos' on YouTube? They have them on "America's Funniest Home Videos" as well. You have some kid with a video camera recording a a kid, or kids, trying and practicing stunts on skate boards.
And failing spectacularly!
They have them now for scooters, bicycles and in-line skates as well. You can usually tell when a group of people is watching one of these videos by their reactions. They all take in a sharp breath at the same time, then there is a moment of silence from them as they hold it. Pow, the breaths all come out explosively, signifying that the kid in the video has broken his leg, or landed flat on his back. Or worse, his face. In the videos, the kid is asking his friends to stop skating and help him find all his teeth, while in the real world the people are all saying things like "Did you see that?" I can't believe that, when he landed on the... and the pole hit him right in the... did you see that?"
No. I did not see that.
I can watch slasher flicks, war movies, and car crash videos. I love action movies, fight scenes and brutal death scenes. But I can't watch those kids wrecking themselves on their skateboards.Faces of Death?
Seen it.
Friday the 13th?
Yawn.
I Spit on Your Grave, Tokyo Gore Police, Saw...
Whatever.
I mean, sure there are parts that make me flinch, or say "wow, I wouldn't wanna be that guy!", but I can at least watch the damn things! But not those kids maiming themselves in stunts. For some reason I hate those vids; can't watch 'em, and avoid 'em like the plague.

Until now.

If you are like me, and you can't bring yourself to watch these videos that other people can't seem to tear themselves away from, I can help. I can tell you the secret that will allow you to stand there in that crowd and gain the acceptance, even the respect, of co-workers and friends who may now look down on you as 'weak' since you can't watch. I discovered the secret just this weekend.

Are you ready?

Choose the person out there in the world that you can not stand. The person you hate. The person that you wouldn't mind seeing come down with some painful disease, hopefully in an embarrassing way. The person who could be in a terrible car accident, and when you heard about it in the morning and the one telling you the story said "yeah, and [such-and-such] was all messed up and taken away in an ambulance!", your first question would be "Yes, but was anybody hurt?". For some people out there it could be an ex-lover or spouse. For some of you out there we can skip the 'ex'... Could be your mother-in-law, or your boss, or a co-worker, or maybe, I don't know, your mother-in-law.For me it's a guy I'll call M.M. When one of these videos is on I just picture every kid who goes flying through the air, or flying down the stairs, or takes a hand-rail between the testicles so hard they'll never meet again, and I picture them as good old M.M. I can stand there and watch blood spill, teeth splash across the pavement like water and what amounts to the birth of terrific facial scars. I can watch kids become forcibly double-jointed, even triple jointed, even have joints added where there previously were none, and I don't have to turn away or cover my eyes.

Try it, it works. Those people who previously thought of you as 'weak' will look at you with a new respect.
...and maybe they'll give you a little extra space around the monitor. At least until they get used to you laughing so hard.