Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Barry stringent CAFE requirements

Obama and Axelrod in White House media room watching the news.

[Axelrod] " Bams, I am soooo loving this coverage of Pelosi! The republicans are going after her with everything they have. Rightfully so. She's looking pathetic out there, changing her story all the time. Even in the same interview. It reminds me of when Hill choked on the driver's license question back in the debates. That's when you really started to pick up electoral momentum."

[Obama] "Yeah, Ax. I feel like I could get away with just about anything right now. The righties are so worked up about Nan that they wouldn't even notice if I nationalized another industry."

[Axelrod, cringing. Apologetic tone, stuttering in fear] "I meant 'n-n-nothing is funnier than watching white chicks squirm when questioned. Yeah, that's it. And that there'll never b-b-be a white chick running the White House.' Seriously. I, I, I'm talking about P-P-Palin. She'd never be able to handle even half the harsh scrutiny the media puts you and your gorgeous arms through!"

[Michelle O] "More like it. Now you're talking sense."

[Obama, quietly] "Nice recovery, Ax. I thought you were a dead man!" [Normal voice] "Heh. Now Boehner's on. He just told Nancy to produce evidence that the CIA lied, or to shut up! This is awesome!"

[Axelrod] "How's she going to spin it now? She's already flip-flopping like some spun-out tweeker getting tazed in the groin!"

[Obama] "K, Ax. While Nan is drawing all the fire, we need to move. Never waste a crisis! Ideas?"

[Axelrod] "You're right. You could burn down an orphanage full of blind kids, and nobody'd notice 'cuz they're all freaked out by having to see Pelosi on TV so much lately. Let's take advantage. There's a voting bloc we haven't done much for yet, and we need to keep them on our side. You should use this period of distraction to arbitrarily jack up the CAFE standards to outrageous levels. That'll make the greens happy for a while."

[Obama] "Darn right! It's just about impossible to get a decent cup of coffee in this stupid town. And everything has WAY too much trans-fat. I'm going to set sky-high CAFE standards on every café in the land!" [Stands up, does brief butter-churn cool-guy dance] "Uh huh, uh huh!"

[Axelrod, rolling eyes] "Great idea, 'Bams! Tax the crud out of any diner that has crummy coffee. But I also think you should jack up the Corporate Average Fleet Efficiency standards."

[Obama, pausing with arms in mid-churn] "Ummmm. Okay. This is where you tell me what the heck you're talking about."

[Axelrod] "Short version: You tell the automakers that all their cars have to get 50% better mileage while putting out 15% less pollution. Even trucks and SUVs. The envirodorks will love you. The oil companies will be mad. Win-win."

[Axelrod] "Who cares? Imagine: Next time you want to go to the lake there are no rednecks racing around on jetskis! None of the tiny gutless SUVs we're gonna sell will be able to tow a jetski, so there'll be no crowds at the lake!"

[Obama] "Ooooohhh... I like it. But if nobody buys these dumb little cars, what will happen to the automakers?"

[Axelrod] "That's the glory of big labor! The union guys get paid whether they make big cars, little cars, or no cars at all! The UAW will really love you now, since you'll be dramatically reducing their workload! And if everybody's running around getting 50mpg in these little putt-putts, how's that 'Drill, baby, Drill!' gonna sound next time Palin opens her yap? I'm tellin' ya, she'll be toast! Obama 2012!"

[Obama, gazing towards the horizon] "Rahm! Summon the Press Corps! I have a big announcement to make! And tell Panetta to keep Pelosi on the hot seat for a while longer!"