Welcome To My Roller Coaster

The senseless tantrums, the screaming, shouting and refusing, the sheer stubbornness and disobedience, and then purposely being naughty, difficult and aggressive just for attention. It’s awful!

These are the days where I feel like bashing my head into a brick wall to stop myself from exploding.

And it’s a downhill spiral. Because after three whole days of this behaviour I’m reduced to a bundle of nerves and tears. I run out of motivation. I become disheartened. Confused. Angry. I feel like I’ve been a crap parent. That somehow I’ve gotten it all wrong. That I’ve been too strict, too harsh, too controlling, too rigid. Too much scolding, too many no’s, too many time-outs.

And I swear, kids are smart. They are so sensitive to vibes, moods and feelings.

Because they milk it. They push it. And the moment I give in the tiniest amount, he walks all over me. And I feel like failed parent of the decade.

But other days I literally shake with happiness.

When, oh god, he’s a dream. The perfect little boy. Smart. Funny. Clever. Helpful. Good manners. Always polite. Dresses himself from head to toe. Does his little jobs around the house. Follows instructions quickly and carefully. Graciously accepts when he does something wrong.

He’ll also sit quietly and read while I attend to his younger brother. He’ll do random useful things like sweep the kitchen floor because he found some crumbs and doesn’t want cockroaches to eat them. He’ll tell me jokes, and laughs at them for me. He’ll pick flowers for me and arrange them in a plastic cup. He’ll say things like, “I love you so very much mummy!”.

And these are the days I’m pumped with energy and enthusiasm. Buzzing with excitement. Beaming with confidence. Planning with no limits. Ready to take on the world.

It’s funny isn’t it? Life goes up and life goes down.
A daily battle in a never-ending fairytale.

I know things will get better. The future will be bright. Life is bigger than this. And life will be good.