(slow piano music)
Sean: Okay.
And send.
Hello everyone.
This is Sean Combs coming to you live
from my office with some very,
very, very exciting news.
It's about my favorite show
of all time, Downtown Abbey.
Yes, I am a Abbeyhead
proudly, yes, yes, yes.
Last week, it was reported that they
have casted the first black cast member
on Downtown Abbey.
The only problem with this is, I
already broke down that barrier.
I'm making an announcement.
I'm the first black cast member
on Downtown, Down, Downton Abbey,
whatever the fuck it's called.
On Downton Abbey and I've
got the scenes to prove it.
Y'all check it out.
(classical music)
Female: Welcome to Downton.
Sean: Why thank you.
I'm Lord Wolcott and I'm the
new owner of Downtown Abbey.
Robert: This is Carson, we
would be lost without him.
Sean: Well, pleasure to meet you Carson.
Robert: Mama, may I present Mrs. Crawley.
Mrs. Crawley: What should
we call each other?
Violet: Well, we could always start
with Mrs. Crawley and Lady Grantham.
Sean: Oh, that was a little bitchy.
Well, everybody just
go on like I'm not here
but I will reiterate
my name is Lord Wolcott
and I am the new owner of Downtown Abbey.
I love it here.
Thomas: Don't worry sir.
I've got sharp eyes for
anything out of order.
Sean: I understand what you're doing.
You're keeping these hoes
in check around here.
Always need something like that.
What the
motherfucker!
What's wrong with you?
Thomas: I'm sorry sir.
Sean: Good god, have
you lost yourself man?
I can't love you.
Not when I love Sybil and Mary
and Mrs. Patmore.
and the Dowager Countess
and a couple more of them maids.
How could I have room for you?
Hold up.
Put your hand on my face one more time.
Good, that's enough.
I think I have room for you.
I love you Thomas.
I'm Lord Wolcott
and I love everybody.
Everybody welcome first ever white party.
Enjoy yourselves.
Have fun.
(brooding music)
(gun shot)
(man gasps)
Male: You don't want to leave.
Robert: I still won't take your money.
Sean: Hey guys!
Up here!
It's me Lord Wolcott!
Come on up!
It's delightful!
I love it here at Downtown Abbey.
I hate it here at Downtown Abbey.
Mm, this fancy cake is divine.
Do I detect a little nutmeg?
I am lord of this godforsaken manor
and all who oppose me shall perish!
You say they call it a telephone?
Hello?
Male: [Look out]!
Well, I knew you could walk!
Judge: Guilty [unintelligible]
Sean: What in the hell?
You my good man, are a wonderful doctor.
You ain't shit.
This world war is so dreadful.
I pray there's not a world war II.
You wanna invest our money
into railroads in Canada?
Nay, Lord Grantham.
I found this little company named IBM.
You may not know about it
but our kids will love it.
All right, goddammit, y'all caught me.
I'm not the real Lord Wolcott.
My name is Budglee Shumpner.
That's my real name.
Isobel: Well, I don't know this young
man aside from good morning and goodnight
but he strikes me as a very
interesting addition to the family.
Violet: Oh, here we go.
Sean: Here we go indeed.
Now, why don't we stop this bickering
and have a sip of some libation.
Now, I want you two to kiss in front of me
and I want you to use your tongues.
Yeah, I love it here in Downtown Abbey.
I wanna stay here forever and ever.
Lord Wolcott loves Downtown Abbey
and will be here forever.
I'm [unintelligible]
Wow.
Now, that was some riveting period drama
but you could check it out
yourself Abbeyheads right here.
Here I am, in between
these two white people.
You gotta make sure you get the
Lord Wolcott edition though.
You could find that
um, I don't know where you could find that
but when you find it, I'll be on there
and in there and I just have
to set the record straight,
this is some real masterpiece
theater right here.
Thank you, thank you.
God bless.
(lively music)