It’s always amazing to me how quickly time goes by. As I excitedly get my gear ready for the race this year, it doesn’t seem like it was a year ago that I was preparing to go up to Leadville for my first go at the Leadville 100. Its strange, because the race last year impacted me so much, and in the end so positively, but of course it always takes time for the positive impact to be felt.

As people reading this might have noticed has been spent chasing the Leadville 100 this year. Last year, going in, I was so confident I would finish that when I didn’t get that buckle a type of self-doubt I had never had before in regards to running crept into my mind. That doubt caused me to be much more critical of my training, my pace, everything. This self-defeating thought pattern was reinforced by 1-1:30 min/mile slower paces at races, and training runs. It was also reinforced by the romanticizing of my training runs in 2012. As I walked to the start line at Silver Rush 50 this year, that same thought pattern sat firmly entrenched in my mind, and it really destroyed the first half of my race.

After the race, I was determined to figure out what was going on. So I started pondering this idea, and it started to click on a rainy Sunday

training run on Hope Pass. I had gone out for what was supposed to be a double crossing of the Pass, but after climbing in cold rain all the way

a Flower and the Rainbow that emerged from the downpour I was expecting as I started my run at Deer Creek Canyon

up to 12,100, we decided it would be smartest to turn back. Jim is an incredibly talented runner, and he is fast. After we turned around and were running the new Winfield Trail, I decided that I did not want to hold Jim back, so I started diligently looking for ways to make it so I could go faster. I started to focus on the moment I was running in, and it felt good, I was almost keeping up, then we found the new trail cutoff the race is using this year. It is a well graded, super soft, pine bed trail, perfect for running with little restraint. Jim opened it up, and went cruising down. I wanted to keep up, so I intentionally shut my brain off and let loose, and kept up.

The next day, as I was getting ready for what I thought was going to be another rainy run at Deer Creek Canyon on my own, I started to think back on my run with Jim the day before. What had happened? I decided I would go out today, and set my intention on figuring this out. As I got out of the car, there was a huge rainbow, and the sun came out, I was energized, and I just ran. As I worked my way up the switchbacks, I started to think to myself “don’t let your heart rate go too high, conserve for later”, and then stopped myself. What the hell was I doing? My mind was looking for an excuse to go slower. That moment was the key that unlocked a huge realization for me.

The best runners are not out there looking for reasons to slow down; they are looking for ways to go faster. Even when they power hike, it’s a question of how fast to power hike, not a question of slowing down. So why was I doing this? I contemplated this as I ran and realized that last year I had nothing to judge myself against while training for a mountain 100. I just went out and ran. I ran with all my heart. When it was tough, I pushed on, and didn’t think about how hard it could be, or should be, I just ran. This whole past year, because of the doubt that last years DNF put in my mind, I was convinced that if my runs were not at least as good as last years in regards to time, and how I felt, I was going to fail at Leadville. What I didn’t realize is that was setting me up to fail. There is no such thing as an ‘easy’ mountain run, they are all tough, they all feel hard, but because last year I had nothing to judge it against, it all ‘felt good’ so I expected the same this year. When I would go out and it felt hard my desire to chase my perception of the prior years runs would feed the self-doubt and I would start thinking about how much farther I had to go, then I would start finding reasons to slow down. It was a mental trap that was literally the equivalent of pouring led into my legs.

At that run in Deer Creek Canyon, as I spiraled up and around Plymouth Mountain, I found myself running in the moment again. For the first time in a year I was able to truly let go of the doubt that had plagued me because I understood where it came from, and how to beat it. I was able to stop chasing the ghost of the runner I had been, and focus on being the runner I am. I focused on reasons to go as fast as possible, and as I focused on being the best runner I could be in that moment, I found myself flying up and down the trails with a feeling of utter freedom. I was seeing the beauty of the trails again in a way that exceeded anything I had ever experienced before. As I looked down at my watch when I got back to the trailhead, feeling energized, fantastic, and like I could run another 100 miles, I also saw that I had run that route faster than I had ever run it before.

There is a quote from the Buddha that I really love, and feel applies to this situation perfectly:

“Do not pursue the past. Do not lose yourself in the future. The past no longer is. The future is yet to come. Look deeply at life as it is in the very here and now, dwelling in stability and freedom.”

As I walk up to the starting line this Saturday at 4am, I will take this with me. This year I know that the ghost of the race last year is just that, a specter that lives in the past, behind me. I have already passed him long ago, and I do not have to worry about surpassing him, I already did that. I will also walk up to that line knowing that no matter what happens, I will be the best runner I can be, I will be the best runner I have ever been. When I am running through the beautiful Colorado Mountains, as long as I stay focused on every beautiful second, I will have the most amazing race I could ever hope for.