'Dear Santa': 5 wishes every parent has for Christmas day

Dear Santy,

Hope all’s good. I genuinely mean that.

I know in my last letter many years ago (no doubt you still have it on file somewhere) it probably seemed like I was only trying to butter you up. But now as a parent I truly admire all that you do. No hard feelings about not getting me Mr. Frosty in 1992. Years later, I found out that it was in fact a piece of crap and many a Dad dislocated his shoulder trying to hand crank ice at 5.30 in the morning.

If possible, and look I know you’re up to your eyes. I was wondering if you could sort a couple of things for me.

1. If you could take all the packaging off the toys first. Especially all those pain in the hole plastic tie thingys.

2. If you get the chance could you sprinkle a bit of that magic dust on the kids, so they stay asleep until say 9.30am- that be great.

3. When you drop off the new stuff please feel free to take away any of the broken redundant toys knocking around the gaff. Not trying to off load rubbish on you but you could probably use some of it for spare parts in the workshop.

4. You know the magic you use so you’ll fit down the chimney? Well, if you could leave a little for me that be brill, just enough for my arse like.

5. I know you don’t get to drink all those drinks that are left out for you even if your missus does come around for the jaunt. But if you want to leave any with me it’s no hassle, honestly. I’ll make room in the fridge.

My name is Emma Doran and I’m a comedian. I live in Dublin with my partner Shane and our 3 children. Ella 14, Joe 4 and Tommy 2. We have 2 dogs Twiggy and Stan (mother and son). We also have a cat Coco that stops by now and then but Stan fancies her so it’s a whole thing now.

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