Monday, December 5, 2011

Teen Wolf Too

Note: I've never actually read any of the Twilight books, so if any of these excerpts are word-for -word the same as passages from the novels, it's totally a coincidence.

Revving the engine, Edward sped his motorcycle through the night. There was still time; he could sense it. If he was only fast enough, he could still make it. Screeching to stop in front of Bella's house, Edward vaulted off the bike and raced toward the door. She had been right, he shouldn't have eaten that third enchilada.

"Edward! What are you doing in Leningrad?" asked Jacob "I just wanted to say hi... comrade."

"We were part of an elite yard care service. We tended to the gardens of the nobility. Periodically the lycans would swoop down from the hills, digging holes and pooping everywhere. Thus began a fued that continues to this day. My clan of landscapers was known by our specialty. We were called "Raking Lawn". "Do you know Jacob's e-mail address?" "Yeah, I got if from that list at the bumper boat place. It's breakingdongslol@wolfenstein.net."

"Bella, this is the perfect night. The night when I give you everything of myself. The night when finally you surrender the wonders of your body for the first time." "Sure." mumbled Bella. "Sure? What 'sure'?" asked Edward, confused. "Well, I mean, pretty much." "You haven't given yourself to that filthy mongrel Jacob, have you, my dear?" he said, his anger rising. "What? Oh, no. But last summer, I was at that party with Jeff Webber, and y'know, he really liked me and we were making out for awhile..." "He didn't hurt you, did he?" "No, it's just that we were fooling around for a while in a bedroom, and I sort of let him do it with my butt." "Bella!" "Look, he didn't put it in or anything. He just had sex with my butt cheeks. It was kind of like a hotdog in a bun. I also let him watch me pee." "Cool..."

Edward quickly changed into his alt mode and fired his cannon at the face of the dam.

Bella winced at the afternoon sun. Looking down, she noticed her skin twinkling. Had it truly happened? Had she become one of the immortal? No, she realized, it was just glitter on her from when that clown exploded.

"Bella, it's not just our shapeshifting that makes us different." Jacob explained. "From the time we can walk we are given special training. Most people have no idea about what we really are. But sometimes, bits of the truth come out. Do you remember that TV show Werewolf Accountant? I myself am a level three CPA."

"Jacob! What are you doing on the space station!?" asked Edward, baffled. "I just wanted to tell you something... igloo buddy." Jacob sneered. "Noooooooo!"

The Tyrannosaurus hung his head. Bella had finally noticed him, but he had to turn down her offer. He had never learned to Tango!

"Whatever." said Edward. Bella gently leaned her head on Edward's chest, exhaling the aroma of Chili Cheese Fritos.

Jacob looked around nervously, shifting his weight from foot to foot before casually reaching down to adjust his wolf penis.