Things Black Women Hate

This post was inspired, as many great things are these days, by a discussion that was had on my Twitter page. Let me set the record straight and tell you that I love Black Women. I also love women of other ethnicities, but Black Women the most. Thing is, Black Women have their quirks. Whether based on physiology, psychology, or mere womanly prerogative, the things they hate, they hate with a passion. I’ll take the time to note here that this is by no means meant to be an exhaustive list. There might even be a part 2 somewhere down the road. I digress.

1. Humidity

"Fucking rain, ugh"

Since the dawn of time, Black Women have hated any location that averages more than 22% humidity annually. You’d think the Black, female population of Flagstaff, Arizona would be greater than it is because of this.* Either way it goes, Black women and water vapor don’t mix. Not in the least. If you’ve ever known your Black girlfriend to “wear it curly” on days when the humidity is high, you know what I mean. Just watch the reaction of a Black girl who has just got a fresh Dominican blow-out only to realize she forgot to check the weather and watch as the bread that is her hair rise steadily. It’s quite a sight to see.

*African Americans of both genders make up about 1.8% of the population of Flagstaff.

2. Stairwells

A friend of mine once told a joke that goes “Black women use elevators more than people in wheelchairs” and I think it holds true. I am not gonna make any mention of the health benefits that derive from taking the stairs every once-in-a-while, but I’ll say that I have often witnessed the black women in my law school take the elevator down or up one fucking floor. Besides this enraging me and wasting time, I just can’t explain why even the halest of Black women refuse to take the stairs. One of the mysteries of the universe, I guess.

3. Running

This is something that I’ve only heard about recently. It’s called “Black Girls Run.” This is a somewhat national movement started in 2009 centered around health and fitness. It was a response to the growing obesity epidemic in the African American Community. I really think it is a noble effort. But look, Black Women have only been running since 2009. Son! Black men been running, with sporadic success at escaping their pursuer, since the dawn of time. Honestly, I think before 2009 across the generations Black mothers have sat down with Black daughters and told them that running is just not in the job description for Black Women. I live along a main thoroughfare here in DC: Connecticut Avenue. There are so many joggers there in the morning that I can barely walk to school. I saw a black woman running one day and nearly fell out from astonishment. It was like seeing a movie where Columbus Short keeps his shirt on.

"Naw, ya'll don't look gay at all. Not even a little."

4. Black Men with White Women

"Oh, you mad?"

Just let the rage pass through you ladies.

I guess the logic goes like this: White women were the pinnacle of purity in the olden days. Blue-eyed, blonde-haired, they were untouchable, unassailable, beyond reproach and defilement. Hell, Emmit Till got killed for supposedly whistling at one. They were the one thing that the Black man was never supposed to come into contact with. Then times changed, we got lynched a bit less and we could snag a snow bunny or two. That became the thing: as soon as the Black Man got some prestige or wealth, he immediately went for the whitest, blondest thing he could get. Call it a subconscious “Fuck You!” to the system that supported the stereotype of white, female purity and animalistic, Black male-ness, but hey, it happens. Jack Johnson, the first black heavyweight champion, made it a point to carouse with white women on the regular just because he knew it pissed people off.

Elin and Heidi aint got nothing on this jawn . . .

Whatever the case may be, I don’t think it is that serious. You like whom you like. I don’t know many Black Males who are waiting to make their fortune specifically so they can marry white women. It’s just not the case.

5. Chris Brown . . . for like a Day

This happened.

Ladies, he beat the BREAKS off this poor girl. Had this happened in any hood in America, Breezy would have been a dead man walking. Seriously. I heard the outrage in the Black, female community over the issue. Chris got mad when they asked about it on Good Morning America, threw a chair at a window, and then naturally stormed away shirtless . . .Son, you can’t treat a woman’s face like a heavy bag and think folk can’t ask you about it. C’mon, b.

. . . but then he dropped a Mixtape

All the Black Women who were outraged suddenly forgot the violence when they heard his heavenly, soprano voice. “Girl, you heard that new Chris Brown?” was heard in nail salons everywhere. How quickly we forget. smh.

Black women are a diverse and wonderful sight to behold. There are entire magazines devoted to their beauty. Jet makes its bread and butter off this well-known fact. Morehouse’s own Miss Maroon and White is a testament to fine blackness throughout the ages. Queens, to be sure. Despite how diverse they are, they are unified in their singular hate of the things on this list. That kind of commonality is astonishing.