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August 9, 2017

Lady Gaga has officially kicked off the Joanne World Tour, named after her newest and floppiest album yet.

The Album:

Remember the days when everyone was calling ARTPOP a
commercial failure? When everyone said that selling only 2,500,000* copies of the
album worldwide made it a certified flop?

According to Lady Gaga’s wiki page, Joanne has only sold around 1,500,000* copies so far, and it’s almost been out for a year. Amazon deeply discounted the album on launch all the way down to $3.99 (only fifty cents above the minimum price to still be
eligible for the charts), and even though it hit number one, that’s definitely
not where it stayed.

The album and both singles released from it sunk the minute they hit the charts. The lead single, Perfect Illusion, debuted at number 15 and was only in the top 100 for six weeks, and the second single, Million Reasons, debuted at 76, left, then only re-entered and stuck around like a bad rash because of her performance of it at this year's Super Bowl back in February. The Cure was then released (the song is not on Joanne but is featured on the Joanne World Tour) and was a "one-off" type of single (according to collaborator DJ White Shadow) that was announced and played for the first time at Coachella. It, too, failed miserably on the charts, debuting at 39 and then falling to 62 the following week (and then, presumably, off the face of the Earth after that).

There doesn't seem to be another single planned.

The Tour:

It turns out that Lady Gaga playing the halftime show at the Super Bowl, headlining Coachella,
releasing surprise singles, and partnering with several other companies (Verizon, Urban Outfitters, etc.) for heavy promotion and ticket giveaways still doesn’t seem to be
enough to make people care about this dud of an era.

The show itself seems to be selling about as well as any other show she has (i.e. that everyone says it's sold out but somehow there are still tickets available officially and unofficially) and the reviews seem about the same (i.e. that her fans are drooling over her, but that actual reviewers are usually not as impressed).

One reviewer from the New York Times said of the Tacoma show that the songs from the actual Joanne album itself were the "least effective" (which isn't surprising, considering what a flop the album is). So, what does that say if the new songs are what took up most of the show? There were 9 (or 10 if you count The Cure) songs out of 22 played from Joanne. (And as a side note: only one song from ARTPOP)

He called one song "messy," one "drowsy," one "hokey," and one "awkwardly jaunty." He said the first half of the show was "disjointed" and that her attitude and style seemed to change at "random."

A Lady Gaga show? Disjointed and random? I'm shocked!

Later on, he goes on to say that when she sits at the piano and sings, that's when she's at her best.

Of course. We've been hearing that time and again since the start of her career, but it still doesn't seem to happen for more than ten or fifteen minutes in an hour and a half-long show. So what does that really say? Is she really such a talent if she can only captivate people for ten minutes at a time?

If you read a book and you only enjoyed three chapters of it, would you still say it was a good book?

I'd rather pull my hair out than listen to you too, Gaga.

*note that the source of these numbers is her official wiki page, and could be incorrect/not updated at the time of this writing

April 8, 2017

With Coachella fast approaching, 71 31-year-old Lady Gaga has been busy, busy, busy rehearsing trying to make sure that as few people as possible forget about her, as the ten minute rehash of her glory days she did at the Super Bowl becomes a thing of the past.

She’s been gracing the cover of a few magazines:

And has even had a part to play in this season of RuPaul’s
Drag Race.

But her appearance on the show hasn’t been all fun and games. Lady Gaga had a conversation with some of the contestants on the show
that left some fans feeling heartbroken.

Says Gaga,

“I’m not a gay woman, you know? And [it’s] that touchy sort
of subject where ― can you stand up for people that you are not necessarily
fully part of that community in a way that you can understand what you all go
through?”

This (pretty incoherent) statement has come as a shock to
those gay fans that have been following her for years. After coming out as
bisexual to Barbara Walters way back at the beginning of her career in 2009,
and then repeating the same thing over and over and over again...

...she now seems to be saying that not only does she not identify as gay,
but she doesn’t consider herself “fully part” of the LGBT community at all.

Lady Gaga now calls herself an “ally” to the LGBT community,
and a “gay supporter”.

October 16, 2016

Lady Gaga has finally announced what
her fans were dying for since they first heard the garbage that was ARTPOP: a new solo album.

The album is titled Joanne, after her late aunt, and what
we’ve seen so far of this album seems to be more of the same old Gaga that we
already know: overdone, messy, and directionless. In her own words:

“As I returned to my home life and spending time with my friends and family and
getting out of the mainstream limelight for a minute, the experiences of our
family and our challenges that make us who we are.”

I have a feeling that statement is
going to be repeated over and over again by a lot of people over the next few
months.

With its flopping singles and weird,
cheap-looking Dive Bar Tour, the
Joanne era looks like it’s shaping up to be a disaster already.

Some sources speculate that since this is Lady Gaga’s last contractual album with
Interscope, the label isn’t bothering to do anything to help promote it, which is why the two lead singles are failing… but
that sounds, to me, like yet another excuse being made for someone whose entire career so far has
been nothing more than... well, a delusion.

Joanne will be released in just a
few days on October 21st.

I would warn everyone to cover their ears,
but judging by the radio play of the first two singles so far, you probably won’t
need to bother.

February 20, 2016

After losing her battle to be let out of her contract with Sony, Kesha garnered the support of Lady Gaga. Kesha is facing a lengthy battle with the record company after allegedly being drugged and sexually assaulted by music producer Dr. Luke shortly after her 18th birthday. Kesha was still a virgin at the time. Apparently to this pig, rape is OK after a girl becomes legal.

There are people all over the world who love you @KeshaRose. And I can say truly I am in awe of your bravery.

If Bowie could, he'd reach down from Mars and slap Caca across the face for her Las Vegas tribute act to him at the Crappy Grammy Awards. It took me a little longer than I wanted to get around to writing this post. Mainly because I was hesitating to watch. I didn't want my mind to associate Bowie with Caca. I knew exactly what Gaga's performance was going to be like and I was right. It was not a tribute. It was an Elvis Presley-on-steroids-does-Bowie impersonation.

The "tribute" was more about Caca than it was about Bowie. But then again, this is Caca we're talking about so color me shocked. Instead of focusing her act on the man of honor, it was more about Caca showcasing herself. From the hair color, facial expressions, clothes, and complete with a low register, baritone voice, Caca crammed a bunch of Bowie songs into a few minutes which took away from the genius of Bowie and instead focused on her. The entire performance was ridiculous and smelled of stale cheese. Caca was more Liza Minnelli than David Bowie.

Instead of playing Halloween dress up, wouldn't it have been better if Caca picked one Bowie song and sang the hell out of it? Wouldn't it have been better if she sang it as Gaga and not as a Bowie impersonator?

Gaga desperately wants to be regarded as Bowie-esque. The truth is that Bowie didn't really want anything to do with her. Instead of being authentic (yeah that word doesn't really pertain to Caca), Gaga's tribute was more like an overzealous fan with an identity crisis; right down to the Bowie tattoo she added to her body. I'm sure Bowie loves his new home under Caca's flapjacks.

But, there are no reviews of Gaga's act that will ever match up to one glorious tweet! A tweet that was birthed from worthy fingertips and came forth like a phoenix rising from the ashes, from none other than Duncan Jones, Bowie's son.

"overexcited or irrational, typically as a result of infatuation or excessive enthusiasm; mentally confused." Damn it! What IS that word!?

What "it" is, is the Oxford dictionary definition of gaga. Take a bow Duncan. That was brilliant.

I'm not going to post Gaga's Vegas act here. Instead, I'm going to show you what a real tribute looks like. No bells and whistles. No clown suits or a self indulging mess. Just pure, raw talent and one quality Caca does not have, integrity. Here's none other than the late, great David Bowie, paying tribute to another legend, John Lennon.

February 9, 2016

Modern art is a pile of steaming horse shit and only pretentious douche canoes think it's some monumental museum pièce de résistance worthy of reverence. Just ask Lady Gaga. She would know. If anyone made modern art even more insufferable and shitty than it already is, it's that annoying, over processed tow-head. Her attempt to make art pop...or is it pop art? Or is it art fart? Wait, isn't that something Warhol already did? Anyway, her attempt to give it credibility was entertaining at best and at worst, mocking the intelligence of us common folk with 20/20 vision.

Modern art is for people whose heads are too small to contain their gigantic egos. Modern art is designed for the least artistic people. Don't believe me? I'm not very artistic. I can draw a little and that's about it. I create art with my mouth every time I fling a sarcastic remark in someone's direction. But even I, a very inartistic person, is a master at modern art. It took me a whole seven minutes to put this refuse together. MOMA, get a room ready for me!

In this masterpiece, I put my headphones over my lint shaver. I call it "Shave the Noise".

This little gem is a sock with a dog on it eating a dog treat. I call it "Pointless". Then there's this one. My magnum opus! My Born This Way! My hat on my toilet!

I call this one "Shit Head".

Do you know who else modern art is for? Stupid people. Yes, stupid people; because only stupid people would blow thousands, no, millions of dollars on garbage that just took me seven minutes to put together by grabbing random items around my apartment.

Yet, people like Caca walk around thinking their shit smells like roses. People like her are the type of people that bang on a canvas, stain it with their body juice and sell it on Etsy. People like her are the type of people that are uncomfortable in situations where they are not the center of attention. People like her are the type of people that use large words to sound highly intelligent in a Palin-esque word salad that usually leaves most more confused. People like her believes that they are so special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people. People like her are the type of people that take themselves way too seriously and therefore have a grandiose sense of self-importance. And finally, people like her are usually the type of people that earn, deserve and get this type of reaction.

January 10, 2016

A miracle has happened!! Terrorists the world over have laid down their weapons. ISIS is putting a halt to all beheadings immediately. The NRA hangs their head in shame as they finally support measures of gun control. Would-be mass shooters suddenly acquired a conscience and have turned themselves in before shooting up a theater or school. All thanks to Lady Caca! Okay so not really. Apparently though, Gaga and her side-douche Taylor Kinney think that taking the world's most farcical selfie after bonking on a canvas and forcing the entire planet to retch in their afterglow is going to inspire world peace.

For reasons that are completely lost among most of the population, Caca was asked to be the guest editor for V Magazine pre-Spring issue. An issue that will cost a whopping $50.00 and completely worth it by the way (barf). All profits will go to the Scam Born This Way Foundation. Lady Xerox chose the cover to be a post-coital vomit inducing snapshot of her and side-douche Kinney. Using the most pompous and contrived word puke known to man, Caca had this to say:

“We made love on this canvas on a Sunday in Chicago. We made love amidst chaos. We talked about shootings. We made love amidst terrorism. And we talked about how people’s hearts are also suffering all over the world as they watch and witness a swell of violence. We made love amidst violence.

I could not complete the covers of this issue without relinquishing one to an important cause. Taylor and I talk all the time about our unique existence on this earth. How can we use our creativity to heal people? Since we first met, Taylor’s been painting and drawing all over me. Years ago, when we were secretly living in San Diego and crashing on the floor of a beach shack, we never wore shoes. He told me he wanted to make love to me on a canvas. And though he made many murals on my body in the wee, small hours of our stoked, gypsy mornings with our friends, for whatever reason we never got around to it.”

What? Shut up. Unique existence? I don't have enough eyes to roll at this schmaltzy babble that's completely bereft of authenticity. Have you ever seen two people so lost in their narcissism that they couldn't find their ass if you gave them a map? Caca is the most contrived, phony, pseudo specimen to come out of the rat's nest since Milli Vanilli and we're quite possibly watching the longest episode of Faking It.