Thursday, January 30, 2014

It's In The Bag: Getting Your Motivation Up

I'm not really into "trying," or "making an effort," or even "doing stuff." For the most part, if you can't do it on the couch in your underpants then I'm not interested. Still, that doesn't mean I don't have goals. For example, one of my goals has always been to get banned from a Gran Fondo--and I'm pleased to announce that, without even trying, I've finally been banned from the Fredliest Fondo of them all:

By the way, the first person to correctly answer a trivia question in the comments wins the signed original of the above masterpiece:

Gran Fondo TT Dork

Medium: Crayola

Artist: Wildcat Rock Machine

Value: Priceless

Are you ready? Here's the trivia question. Now remember, no cheating!

Okay, here goes:

Who is this?

Now simply answer the question in the comments. However, like "Jeopardy," you have to respond with the correct format, otherwise it doesn't count. Here is the template for answering the trivia question properly. Simply fill in the blanks:

"My name or Internet alias is ______. The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: _______. The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was _______. My email address is _____ [at] _______ [dot] ___. I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping. Dorothy Rabinowitz is a horny space reptile from the planet Pubis. I like cheese."

Good luck!

By the way, the cyclist above (hint: it's Stephen Roche) is going to be riding in the aforementioned Gran Fondo this year:

So be sure to sign up, because even though a gazillion Freds will be competing for his attention, I'm sure he'll want to be best friends and riding buddies with you forever.

Of course, now that I've been banned from an event I had no intention of even registering for, I feel empty inside, and I also have precious little motivation to continue my winter training, which has been quite grueling. It's paying off too, because if you look at my Strava account you'll see I'm easily among the top 40 or 50 riders in my ZIP code--though in fairness there should be an asterisk* next to that, since I did use a Speed Up Bag:

The above was forwarded to me by a reader, and I'm really upset the video doesn't seem to be working because this thing looks sublimely dorktacular. And check out this data:

And this chart:

And this guy hanging out his ball bag while he's riding:

Of course, what the inventors don't tell you is the "Speed Up Bag" is simply a fairing--and while a fairing does make you faster, it's also illegal to use in bicycle racing, which means if you're using a fairing you're not racing and are simply trying to go a few seconds faster while you ride by yourself because you're a complete and utter weenie.

Nevertheless, I'd consider one if it functioned as a hand dryer, like the kind you find in the men's room:

("Ba-WOOSH!")

It's also great for the corpulent Fred who needs to "portage" six or seven salami sandwiches with him while he's riding, or for the person who misses the shape and convenience of the glove compartment in his Hyundai.

Anyway, it's worth noting that nine out of every ten cycling products you find on crowdsourcing websites are the products of closeted dorks who can't come to terms with the fact that they should be riding a recumbent. Either it's some ridiculous toilet seat of a saddle because the inventor can't get through a metric century without losing use of his schlong for six weeks, or else it's some contraption to make the bike slightly faster that's ineligible for competition under every single sanctioning body in the world.

Look, if you're so concerned with aerodynamics over everything else, then don't dick around with a "Speed Up Bag." Just get in the fucking thing already, shatter your "personal best," and leave the rest of us alone:

You could have ten or twenty salami sandwiches in that thing without even compromising your aerodynamics.

Anyway, generally it's at this point in the winter when riders start scraping the empty peanut butter jar for tiny dollops of motivation, and we see videos of people talking about how great winter riding is--or at least that's what we assume they're saying, because their speech is slurred by their frozen mouths:

They all make some good points, though my favorite thing about riding is the taste of the road salt dust that's kicked up into your face by all the motor vehicle traffic.

I actually do like the crunching sound of salt on the road while I'm riding though. I find it very pleasant--though I'm not sure it technically qualifies as gravel. I suppose I'd better measure the size of the granules, because if they fall within gravel specifications then I'll need a new bike. Then, I may promote a gravel race that will compete with the Gran Fondo New York, which I'll call the "Dirty Sanchez."

"My name or Internet alias is _Kenney9226_____. The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: _Stephen Roche______. The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was _assatre Katherine______. My email address is _fatdaddy72____ [at] _gmail______ [dot] _com__. I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping. Dorothy Rabinowitz is a horny space reptile from the planet Pubis. I like cheese."

My name or Internet alias is SUNRABLUE. The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: Steven Roche. The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was __59886599 1382_____. My email address is superior_ [at] __uga__ [dot] _edu__. I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping. Dorothy Rabinowitz is a horny space reptile from the planet Pubis. I like cheese.

My name or Internet alias is Annie Nomoosei. The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: Stephen Colbert. If I was a sperm, I'd consecrate my germ, and then continue. If I was a worm, I'd try to find a way that I could crawl up in you. The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was Wthrso cow. My email address is shit [at] crappers [dot] poo. I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you, a majorly soggy douche burger, will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping. Dorothy Rabinowitz is a fertile space reptile from the planet Pubis. I like helmet sauce.

Banned from paying $269 for the privilege of riding 100 miles with a bunch of annoying dorks doesn't seem like much of a punishment. But you at least get a snazzy kit to advertise that you paid $269 miles to ride 100 miles with a bunch of annoying dorks.

No, you don't understand ... you now need two (more) bicycles: one optimized for bikecycling on winter sand-strewn roads, and one for winter salt-strewn ro-- no, wait a minute, that's three new bicycles, one for sand, one for salt, and one for roads on which both sand and salt have been applied.

My name is DECON_MF. The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: Stephen Roche. The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was 'slathered crotch'. My email address is nunya@noway [dot]com. I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping. Dorothy Rabinowitz is a horny space reptile (a veritable dry rub dragon) from the planet Pubis. (Actually she is from the suburb of Crabs). I like cheese.

My name or Internet alias is Stephen Roche. The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: Sean Kelly. The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was assfart1000. My email address is blowme [at] goggle [dot] dash. I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping. Dorothy Rabinowitz is a sexless space reptile from the planet crotchrot. I like cheese-whiz and if my employer knew how much company time I spend on the internet I would quickly be out of a job.

Snob,Speed-Up Bags are now MANDATORY for gravel racing! The fines for failing to equip your gravel-eating steed with the Speed-Up Bag are astronomical. Don't make that mistake like the others...and if you line the inside with foil, you can keep pulled pork sliders with a little coleslaw on Hawaiian buns warm!

Earmuffs do make a great Hanukkah gift. They help muffle the sound of my mother yelling, "Benny, are you going out on that bike in this weather? Be sure to wear a warm coat, and pick up some of that soup that I like." I never should have let her move in.

"My name or Internet alias is _dcee604_____. The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: _WHO IS STEPHEN ROCHE______. The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was _JMYOURC WILLIAM______. My email address is _dcee604____ [at] __gmail_____ [dot] _com__. I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping. Dorothy Rabinowitz is a horny space reptile from the planet Pubis. I like cheese."

I'm glad people are pushing their personal envelopes of what is comfortable riding weather, but we call that autumn riding around these parts. Criminy, there's even someone ripsticking pleasantly along at 2:14.

If there's no snow on the ground, it's not winter, it's just cold out.

I can't afford a speed up bag. Do you think I'd get a similar affect if i were to wear my back pack on my front? I'd have to put a bunch of stuff in it to be sure it maintained a rounded shape, but it seems not unlikely. Also I'd have to sit more upright. Maybe i could flip my drop handle bars into upright dui mode.

I'm transforming my old 26er mtn bike into a big-bmx/cruiser type thingy. Putting a rigid fork back on, then a bmx-y stem and a low-rise (4"?) bmx-style bars. I'm leaving he gears, for now, but going 1x8 would be pretty easy.

It's excellent that you still have such worthy goals after all of your worldly success, snobbers.

So... something has been troubling me since that first post of the year: will the leg warmers which bunch round the ankles really slow me down? And does that mean that wearing a hoodie (even if the hood is down) is akin to resistance training? And taking it further, will these and all the other wardrobe gaffes make me faster in the end?

"My name or Internet alias is Dorothy Rabinowitz. The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: Howard Stern's Penis. The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was Car Pet Mun Cher. My email address is hag [at] dried [dot] twat. I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping. Stephen Roche is a horny space reptile from the planet Pubis. I like cheese."

"The Church of Apathy is a place for those enlightened enough to understand that there is no god, meaning to life, or such thing as free will to enjoy our indifference and the failure it inevitably breeds, because it is easier and, within the context of the big picture of the impermanent universe in which we reside, holds the same value as trying and "succeeding" - absolutely zero. That's it."

Ohhhhhhhhh I'm a weenie-dork, but that's okaaaaaaaaaaay, I boink all night and I ride all daaaaaaaaay...

So I would like to know: where DOES a girl go to collect stravadorktastic podium kisses? Hmmmmmmm? Precisely how should a girl celebrate being crowned the Queen of "Up Yours?" Heh heh. Seems fitting somehow, don't you think?

My son told me of a church going friend of his who told him that Jesus(TM) does not like apathetic Christians. The friend then suggested that my son would be welcome to attend his (the friends) place of worship, My son replied 'Maybe'.

First, the good: Perhaps my favorite aspect of the Speed Up Bag is that batteries are not required. Also, the fact that it requires 0 kwh/yr fuel consumption should receive honorable mention.

Now the not so good:Note that in the "comparison of cycling velocity" chart the maximum velocity reached is just around 37 mph, nowhere close to Woohoo speed, so that lab work was about as pointless as a video titled "Winter Ride" that doesn't even include snow (wtf?). And in that ridiculous picture depicting "air flow," how much could drag be reduced if he just leaned a little more forward and stuck his head in the bag? 400%? 8000% 3200000%? Who knows.

and how come everyone else gets the cool Captchas? 12254 3652245? Shit, another boring one. I can't even get 867 5309. Oh well, it is still the case that Dorothy Rabinowitz is a horny space reptile from the planet Pubis.

McFly, you can't just try 1x7 up front and see if it works. One must exhaustedly research every possibility on the mtbr forums and then buy a bunch of parts that won't work together. Then, after a 2-month break from the project, you just try it and see if works. Get with the program, McFly.

Car Fodder - The cyclist is a local courier who was trying to do a dumb-ass move, turning left into a bike lane against the flow of one-way traffic in the middle of the busiest intersection in the whole city. Talk about asking for it...

Cycling is not just a hobby or a sport on the television. Its becoming a passion all around the world for the people are getting used to the passionate sport and taking it up as a hobby. valet parking gatwick

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!