March 28, 2015

Yep. Still here. Something is anyway. The EMDR yesterday absolutely exhausted afterwards got bad for feeling very close to vivid visual as well as physical flashbacks but we could reach out and got through it. Was asleep by half 10.

Too much Greys Anatomy. Or rather too much trauma in hospitals and elsewhere with abusers had surgical knowledge and disposable people. That's not Greys Anatomy's fault.

There's times when we think there must be sonething wrong and getting wronger when it just hurts so much. When there are visual memories to and more detailed context of incidents of being put in or left in excruciating agony there isn't any room for those kinds of worries.

Activity is slowly begining again.. Along with an imagination in regards to the house, garden helped of course by the extra funds and the decreasing winter. We are going to grow lots of flowers with the external kids. Starting to feel a a bit less daunted by what we have took on here. Or at least excited as well as daunted again.

..

We were trying process the uncle Adam stuff in therapy with the headphones and the clicks. Therapist doesn't usually put much effort into trying to keep us on the same subject she says the pathways will be leading somewhere but she was brining us back more this time.

We don't understand how 'we' who survived the eighties, the moves after the Glen could be so vulnerable to him and 'dad' at that time. We think it's got something to do with a small group of parts having been forced into believing they had to protect other parts.

Punishment. Told that if we dissociated into parts that weren't amnesiac something even worse would happen. What ever answers we come up with always seem true enough just partial. Like we keep missing something.

We don't regret the session. We have few tools available and we would be crippled anyway. It's pain that's motivated both us and T to start working with the EMDR dispite the triggers and without knowing where it could take us.

March 13, 2015

Head full of Firenze. And Sean. Physically we are pretty weak and mentally messy but thats ok, we have gapabentin and weed to help stop the 'shoulds' and those mean skinny parts that always push with all they have to direct us away from any path where we intgrate with any reality where we are not subordinated. It suprised us how well and for how long those part took hold they were so everything we knew we weren't that it we didnt believe any of us could ever be in a place where we would let there coldness be something we bowed to. When we saw those faces, saw how there knees were weak as mine where, saw colour drain from faces and our hands reaching out before our eyes and battered down eyes even met. I had nothing. We couldnt accept anything for anyone. There were words, brief and guesters that changed everything while we still knew nothing mostly exscept we knew we wanted to show them, we have nothing but we still come here. When the switching starting to slide into complete anxious dissociation we calmed ourselves by telling ourself there was something wrong with our brain that was making us see and feel all this stuff, fantasises about having a life that was far from everything we knew in Scotland. The calmer we got the less hold the amnesia had I didnt know how we ever came to be there but we knew the people, the relationships the feelings were real, they were infront of me and parts I thought had been broken and muted where active and functioning, there will, our will was strong as ever and still taking us to places without worrying us with any details beforehand. We are whatever the hell we are and at that moment we were not letting go of a history because it was inconvienent to abusers that we were more than the youngest daughter in a skint abusive family. In the eyes, the bodies and a few words much of the weight that covers anything that might bring us security and pride was ripped away and we had to keep walking. If it hadn't been for the buggy we would never of managed to stay of the ground. There were tears though, of course and a fair bit of having to verblise internal voices and kept checking for and expecting knife wounds or very loud crack in my ear that would be last thing we knew but they never happened.

Several times we almost let go of the buggy to run into someones arms but froze instead. But she was here, S/he whatever. She always knows what to do and she wouldnt let us crumble and let us know that she was around. She is what we are, driven underground forced to work behind the scenes manipulating the rest of us, holding the love, the humanity and ambition and making all the difficult decisions.

Without her there is no 'us' just victim programmes, denial and delusions, no resistance, no love, no hate no personality.

Sean always seemed to see her. We would avoid him at times because we didnt want to see who we really were reflected in his eyes when we felt like something so different. It made us feels so ashamed sometimes the fact that he was so patient and understanding of whatever states we were in only made it worse. We hated having to face how much the pain we were put in hurt others to.

Remembering that now as an adult. The terror we felt at the strength of the feelings where he wasnt and the power of the drive to be near him when he was around and knowing he did not see us as a sexual object. And of course the knowing how poweful a weapon all that feeling was to people who wanted to hurt, control and squish us.

Physically its quite overwhelming to have so much of it part of our everyday consciousness. Not just the rape that gets released. It was always a suprise the

Gonna have to just regularly plan to not have the sonshine around after therapy. Its always been an issue, the exhaustion afterwards but now there is the extra travelling and the extra work. Its always tricky trying to find words to describe what its is like in this DID system but at the moment our day to day consciousness is not what it was. This voice is painful difficult to use, forced of course because our usual voice does not speak for us, its under orders and often comes from a place of abject terror.

We are even less anchored to a false and manipulated consciousness, passed a point of no return - ditch the road metaphor this a jungle. We have been playing Skyrim, still. Its helping parts that want nothing to do with conversations, human interaction and everyday life. Everyone is starved of so much normal world development stuff and human needs its impossible to recognise them all. We are headed towards somewhere we cant imagine and its difficult to rest when everything aches and nowhere is safe.

Its hard work for therapist to. She said she had studied sexual offenders for a long time but Savile shows how much is not discussed, not written about and its omission undermines the validity of everything else. We glad when she says things like that it means we are on the same page. Its slow difficult work for her to, she seems quite unfamiliar with the way we are not amnesiac of most the 'switching' that goes on in front her. We have said that usually we wont switch but slide, like there are three parts, one leaves another comes forward but there isnt a break in consciousness because one of the parts stays and on and on we work hard to keep everyone who is upfront as up to date with everything that goes on as possible. Of course that's a huge simplification but we hate the breaks -there are parts whose job it is to keep continuity and they were the parts that were very important to the programmers which means that we are all scared of them. The top programmers would be very good at knowing if other parts were listening or present. It would often have in our 'home' beds so our unconsciousness, falling asleep and waking up processes everyday would be closely associated to them and their words, and that fear. It meant they were present through voices or thoughts during all the abuse that happened in the bedrooms to. These top types usually aimed to get people to places where they wouldnt have to come back because the middle managers would be able to handle any problems we might give them.

We gage how safe and healthy we are by how efficient but relaxed we are about it. If everything is really well and we find ourselves not thinking 'what's going on' regularly we know some shit is really up. We have walked away from turning up to be violently exploited because of that awareness. Sure they would often find me but the act of turning and walking another way made a brain pathway that makes it easier next time. There isnt any self awareness without self respect but a mind cant maintain that when its trapped in situations of long term abuse with no immediate means of escape.

Back dated severe disability came through. Everything to do with money is triggering, heartbreaking.. Being someone who does not 'have' anything, something that is not entitled to physical health or comfort never mind material was a kind of baseline state it was pushed hard the whole time its not unsurprisingly exhausting and cripplingly overwhelming at times and is a challenge every second of every day but we cant say it hasn't worked so far.

Feels like a proper swamp we are in at the moment. We have already been through here so we know there arnt any patches where we will be sucked under permanently. We think.. the only map is in our head shared between parts we may or may not be able to find.. or wake up or heal enough to communicate with even if we do find them..

March 09, 2015

He had an in the momentness that we needed and loved to be around but hated and resented as well. He grounded us just by being there and sometimes we needed to not be grounded, sometimes we had to stay as far away from rock hard realites but it always broke our heart when we remember what we had been when we had to be all delusional for awhile. There was rarely any sign of him being scared or angry at us afterwards. We he said 'It wasn't you' we knew it was true. We would wish he was someone else lots, he seemed like such an idiot sometimes but it was playing a role in the bullshit like we all had he was just better at and got less confused about what really meant something and what didn't. It was a strength and we knew they would spot it and go for it and we didnt want any role in helping them with that beyond they help they would get just from us seeing him.

He made us feel complete and like our future was in our own hands but that couldnt happen without us also seeing who we where and where we had been. There were times when that had to be avoided we were so completely owned. Every aspect of our life completly exposed for them to exploit in any and every way. The shame of what they had us doing is believed by some to be enough to keep our head down forever with easy enough viciousness around to stamp on any sprout of regrowth.

Its worked pretty well, the lego Captain Jack and the application to the CICA, before that the housing application and wee man's first new year. Knowing we wont be able to not reach out again and would be so compleltly vulnerable again to the punishment is never far, the mental hook that we couldnt escape for so long, their route to conditioning us to believe it was our own fault, that we accepted it as something we couldnt stop, that deep down we wanted and need it. When your kept at the bottem of the heap like we are here the chances of domestic and/or oppurtunist abuse is pretty high, what does it matter who does it?

We are changing now, moving away from that mentality. All the confidence, the hope, the girlishness, the pride and everything feels so real now because he was able to hold so much of it for us.

There's a big meandering post that is unedited and will probably stay that way for a while. We were trying to explain what is making our head spin at the moment. It really is different. This isn't passing parts with fragments that hang around and then go but intigration. Not in parts eating each other up type way but in parts accepting each other's existence.

Histories that were programmed to be mutually exclusive trying to fill in each other's gaps. We are accepting what a toll that is going to take but it's hard not to worry that we are slipping into bad habits.

More access to my brain means feeling more connected to everything though, our flesh, the world or strange but reliable spirtuality, the possiblity that we find space to make a sexuality to out of hungry and brutalised pieces.

..Love needs to strong to survive everything that was done to us but it's apparently not impossible..

Everything cost so much though. Too much to right off.

When parts call for their homes their families, the places they were safe, we are begining to see and understand without having to block it out because it was to painfull.

March 04, 2015

Don't know what's going on with us right now, well not specifically enough anyway. Eating has been real problem again, nausea, vomiting and headaches today..

We are not getting parts coming forward much just feel sore, wierd and sometimes like a little puppy cocking his head to try and see what's really there.

Did the school run this morning but that's only because we didn't sleep at all. Waking up being in pain and feeling so weak is such a horrible way to start the day I can understand why we often want to avoid it.

Taking a break from Skyrim and have been watching season 4 of the Sopranos which suggests a different patch of our system than recently when we couldn't watch Sopranos or play xbox. Before this we were watching lots of RT and feeling like there's is a world out there that we could engage with and plenty to still hope for. That's kinda gone though .. Can't even dream about being ourselves and safe around anyway outside of therapy.

Been picking at a BBQ chicken and wedges ready meal for hours .. Really would like to keep it.. It's wasn't exactly delicious on the way down it's not going to be any better now..