Now, The Immortalizer is one of those rare B-movies that actually has a great basic set– up with tons of potential (even thou it did exist before, at least since the The Atomic Brain) but movie makers (veteran Joel Bender, editor on Power Ranger: The Movie) never got to actually follow it trough. What we got instead was a mess of a movie that follows a crazed doctor and his endless brain- swithings procedures, often with a hilarious results– a film like that would feel more at home among the SF movies of the 50’s. It would have been interesting to see what would have someone like Carpenter, author with a clear vision done on the same budget with the same basic idea, but that’s not to say we didn’t have tons of fun with what we got, ’cause we sure did.

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Who wouldn’t trust a man with a face like this?

The movie starts with a Dr. Divine (Ron Ray) with a crazed look in his eyes injecting the screaming blonde woman with green, florescent liquid (where have I seen this before). Remember this, ’cause it will be (semi) important later.

We now jump to a couple of high- school students (brothers Gregg and Darrell) having fun with their dates (movie and pizza). They can’t really come to an agreement which one get to sleep with which of the ladies but unfortunately for them they don’t make it that far anyway- not by a long shot! They should have known that going straight into a dark alley is never a good idea, especially if you’re in a horror movie!

Now you would expect some kind of criminal or a junkie to attack them but no- it’s actually a monster? Some sort of zombies jacked up on steroids!? Man, I would shit my pants too If I ever saw something like that. Even the regular living death can be enough trouble as it is ,not to mention these obviously performance enhanced ones! Now good for them, police actually hears them and shows up (well, just one cop but still)- but to no avail! All four of them end up kidnapped- cop didn’t even get to be that lucky, zombies throw him onto a brick wall and henchmen then proceed to decapitate him with the wheels of their van (man, that’s a nasty way to go).

Darell wakes up in the private hospital with the rest of the gang still sedated. He hides in the corner hoping no one will notice him. That doesn’t really work out. Then when he finally runs for it he manages to alert half of the patients. He finally manages to escape by jumping out a window and for some reason he tries hiding in the car of one of the doctors. He ends up up in a scrap with that doctors and the security too but he makes it out and jogs straight for the Sheriff ‘s Office. He may be dumb as f*@k but Gregg is in great shape.

Unfortunately for him the Sheriff’s Office is completely empty (I’m sure there are regulations against just that) so he calls the Sheriff the only way he knows how- by throwing stones and activating the alarm!? Man, he’s dumb- for sure there’s an easier way to do this. Sheriff then arrives with a record timing. He concludes the only logical thing– that the boy is on drugs and forces Gregg to spend a night in a jails cell. Man, this is really not his night.

Finally the Sheriff arrives to the sheriff’s station? Did he have a more important place to be?

In the morning the Sheriff finally listens to him and he takes him to Dr. Divine’s place where they deny everything. Desperate Gregg manages to dupe the Sheriff and he runs away again. He then proceeds to recruit the old lady from the Dr. Devine‘s neighborhood (I guess she always suspected something). And you shouldn’t underestimate that lady- the amount on weaponry she has in her place is unbelievable!

Now, we see Dr’s goons playing with the zombies and they are christening the newest one Quinnie. Not only is this hulk of a woman the same lady from the beginning she is actually played by a minor celebrity- Bodybuilder and American Gladitator: Zap–Raye Hollitt She is also interestingly a former wife of our WM alumni Ted Prior (Deadly Prey, The Final Sanction, Aerobicide).

Head Nurse is jealous and she desperately wants the body of the redhead that was promised to the rich, irritating grandma. She even went as far as to “damage” her just so she can keep her. Bodies seem to be nothing but kid’s toys to these king of people.

In the end the rich old lady is beyond herself with joy (even though she got a blonde replacement and not original redhead she wanted). Also we have to note that she kept her old woman’s voice even in this new body. How is that possible- I have no idea!

Now grandma infiltrates the compound but then the goons fuck things up by electrocuting zombies and the whole hell breaks loose. Nurse uses opportunity to cheat on her husband with another Dr. this one. In the meantime the head nurse is cheating on her husband Dr.Divine with another doctor who looks a bit like current president of USA Donald Trump.

Hilariously when Gregg finally catches Dr. Divine he is no longer he– you see he switch brains with the young Dr. and in this moment we really have no idea who’s who– and who has his original brain in the original body.

Fighting his way out of the house Gregg manages to save the redhead but Dr. meets his destiny via zombie and meatgrinder- nasty as it gets. But what happened to our benevolent Dr. Divine you might ask? Well, three months later we see him (in his young man’s body and his old man’s voice) welcoming another client so I guess for his- it’s business as usual.

Verdict: Interesting thing to note, highly acclaimed Horror by Jordan Peelee Get Out uses the same “transfer of the brain” The Immortalizer set up, abelt with more of a social commentary and with a lot more attention to detail (it actually manages to sell its fantastical medical procedure to the viewers) and that showed just how great the idea really is- if you can make it work. But like they say- the devil is in the detail.

This movie in the nutshell

And despite all the parallels with the Gordon/ Yuzna franchise (glowing, green liquid we’re looking at you) the good Doctor aka Jeffrey Combs himself would have actually been perfect casting for this movie. His dead pen yet quirkie delivery would have elevated this kind of material into something a lot more meaningful. Unfortunately we are left with Ron Ray as a Doctor and he is fun but nothing more than that. But you never know what they’re going to remake next- so there might still be a chance.

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Movie starts as promised with a shot of seemingly badass biker on the road, testing his futuristic new bike. Turns out the mysterious biker is none other than legendaryRe-Animator mad scientist Jeffrey Combs!

This scene lasts way too long!

We cut to the local gym where Combs’s girlfriend Terry (Heather Thomas of Zapped) is working out furiously under the watchful eye of her friend and trainer … She proceeds to get some “turbo oil” (from Oscar winning old actor Martin Landau! )for her super- scientist boyfriend but some redneck bikers lose their mind over here- I guess they don’t see blonde aerobic babes all that often (strange ’cause it’s the 80’s). Anyway she shows her Martial Arts prowess and kicks their asses.

Combs seems happy to see her, and gets his oil. She insists they have to go to the Disco club. He reluctantly agrees but in turns forces her, blonde bimbo that she is- to recite some physics.That’s some really weird stuff there but it each their own.

I guess it’s something like this for Combs…

He relents and she drags him to the party with some kind of ridiculous hybrid Punk/ Disco band is playing. Unfortunately some crazed Mad Max extras suddenly show up and stab Combs to death. Man, he should have guessed- nothing good ever comes out of Disco music.

It turns out her boyfriend was secretly working for the government. They hope she can take them to his project so secret that not even the secret service can find it. They follow her but they have no idea that the secret lab was actually in her apartment all along. As she enters message from Combs plays and he entrusts her to the secret of the super- bike the Cyclone, it’s rockets and lasers included. Only person that can be trusted is mysterious man called Bob Jankings, her mission is to find him and hand the bike over to him.

So basically her dead boyfriend is trying to get her to risk her own neck too. Being a blonde bimbo that she is- she accepts.

I don’t know why but she drove all night long, I would guess that something as powerful as Cyclone can get her to another city in in mere minutes, but I guess I was wrong. Unfortunately as they meet, Bob Jenkins, the dude who’s suppose to solve all this mess, gets shot, with a crossbow none the less!!!

Cyclone is supposedly the cutting edge of the military technology but in reality it looks just like Chuck Norris’s bike in Delta Force.

She does the only thing she can think of, drives over to her gym teacher Carla (Ashley Ferrare). Unfortunately (again) it turns out villains were (again) one step ahead of her. They take Carla hostage and blackmail her into giving the secrets of Cyclone (there’s a ground-breaking power supply called Transformator that is needed to power the bike).

In a shocking twist it turns out one of the agents from the beginning was in fact behind the death of her boyfriend. Somehow it seem that secret service is way less benevolent that previously presumed. They offer her half a million dollars, their chief drives a hard bargain but she refuses. Mad Max character proceeds to torture her, strangely attaching electrical wires to her thighs of all places.

Then we have another double cross, it turns out Carla was on it too! So, I guess everyone in her live is some sort of a secret agent. Then, the only remaining agent not in the warehouse shows up, that’s the lady agent Martine Beswick (former Bond girl and the star of Hammer film’s Dr. Jackyll and Sister Hyde). She seems to be the only one not on the payroll as she shoots up the place. She shows no mercy and even her old partner ends up on the floor riddled with bullets.

She freed herself and got to the bike and then it turns out Transformer was in her boobs all along! Too bad nobody though of checking there. Agents then go straight after her but now we finally see the Cyclone in full power! She starts shooting lasers like there’s no tomorrow and all resistance proves futile. Seeing what people would do for revolutionary technology like that she destroys the Transformator and hitches a ride home– ’cause in the 80’s progress is always pure EVIL.

Verdict: Now despite the lack of budget and it’s ridiculous story-line I still prefer Cyclone to the whole overrated Fast and Furious franchise. This at least has some actual nice stunts work with real (not animated!) cars and some genuinely planed (and otherwise) funny bits. FF for the most part has none of it.

His movies are cheese as hell, but Fred Olen Rey never fails to entertain and you have to give him credit for that.

Being a huge Jeffrey Combs fans as we are we couldn’t possibly miss the opportunity to watch this “masterpiece” which was previously believed to be a lost adaptation of H.P.Lovecraft’s short story. Of course, this is nonsense, just like everything else related to movie adaptations of Lovecraft’s stories. The truth is, synopsis on this short movie is based on Lovecraft’s letter to his friend Bernard Austin Dwyer in which author describes the strange dream he had had. The letter was published in the April 1939 issue of Weird Tales as a short story (yup, false advertising at it’s best) after Lovecraft’s death.

Unleashed! Unleashed!

In 1987 director Charles Band decides to sex-up this “story” and make a short movie out of it. Of course, Jeffrey Combs is the obvious choice for a leading role. The plot is very simple: a woman visits the home of her deceased lover, a clergyman Jonathan (played by Jeffrey Combs) who, as you may have guessed from the title, has many sins on his soul, including but not limited to- a murder.

Over the next 20- something minutes said Brady (played by Barbara Crampton) is tormented, both physically and mentally, seduced and molested by Combs’s spirit (while his malevolent intent is obvious just beneath the surface). The Archbishop of Canterbury (played by David Warner) shows up and tries to warn Brady but to no avail. Combs can’t be stopped. Catastrophically designed human-faced rat (David Gale, also know as the beheaded Dr. from Reanimator) shows up, mostly just to taste a bit of Brady’s ass but eventually he shares a passionate kiss with the Clergyman. After the kiss- the rat dies.

Her ass before the meeting with the Rat-Man

Eventually, she gives in, and gives him a blowjob to dead Jonathan while he was hanging from the ceiling (hey, while in Rome…). She paid with her life for it but got resurrected and she actually manages to escape the haunted attic, just without a small thing such as her soul. At least in the end she really insulted the Biblically old landlady who remarked that she was much more beautiful than her when she was young.

True Love

Conclusion: This movie is unique with the fact that this is Lovecroft adaptation not related to Brian Yuzna or Stuart Gordon. Imagined as Dreams of the Witchhouse- part II it invites an open comparison to “Re-Animator,” featuring Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton, and David Gale. In both films, Gale menaces Crampton while naked, her nude backside getting kissed by the man-faced rat.

That Ass

The only that separates this from Yuzna’s efforts is surprisingly eery score composed by Richard Band (?). He menages to convey more horror then all the other members of the cast combined!

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Let’s get one thing straight right now: In the following review not a single word is made up or events from the movie are altered in any way. Furthermore, I am almost sure that I will fail in attempts to describe madness of certain scenes. By that I mean that there aren’t many words which could give precise insight into such level of insanity, madness, sickness, twisted humor, and mind fuck this movie provides. So let’s get ready for mind aptitude test and close view of final chapter in Re-Animator saga – Beyond Re-Animator!!!

Beginning takes us 13 years before events in the movie had happened. On one stormy night young Howard (played by Tommy Dean Musset) is with his friend in small tent located in his yard, telling a ghost stories. They think they heard something so they rush into the house. Meanwhile, Howard’s sister Emily (played by Barbara Elorrietta) is in the kitchen drinking milk. Why is that detail important? Because it was first Brian Yuzna’s mistake (out of many others) who is both director and producer of this movie. You see, Emily is drinking from a milk carton with screw-on cap on it. In 1990., when this scene is set, such type of milk carton didn’t even exist. Only with folding spout. Ok, back to movie now. She also thinks she heard someone and leaves a kitchen in order to investigate. She is crossing the living room (where we can also notice reflection of cameraman in large wall mirror for the entire scene; Yuzna’s second mistake in only first 3 minutes of the movie) and gets surprised by her brother. Both of them were relieved. But not for long. Zombie (well, re-animated corpse, to be more precise) suddenly appears from nowhere. He tosses away Howard and nerdy looking kid, and focuses his attention directly to Emily. No, it is not what you think. Remember, living impaired don’t have sexual needs. Zombie kills Emily by smashing her head of the wall and then drinks her milk. How many more lives will be lost in milk feuds, I wonder? Anyway, before poor zombie managed to finish his milk police officers comes in and blow his head off. “Who called the police?”, I hear you asking. Well, police weren’t there because of Emily and Howard. No, they were there because of none other than Dr. Herbert West (played by legendary Jeffrey Combs of course). They are placing him under arrest after causing Miskatonic University Massacre. So he is still alive. No one have bothered to explain how the fuck did he manage to survive collapsing of entire house on him in previous movie (Bride of Re-Animator). Nevermind that now. Important thing is that he is alive and still re-animating. Young Howard finds special green mixture used for re-animating. Mad Dr. West probably lost it while he was taken into police car. Zoom onto West’s pride face on the backseat of police vehicle and that’s the moment when well-known intro credits start.

A trophy!!!

13 years later Dr. West is still serving his sentence in jail. He looks almost the same but acts more creppy and insane (yeah, that’s possible). And the fact that he has been incarcerated for so long time doesn’t stop him from continuing with his re-animation experiments. But he is short of corpses so he is using a rats. And what he is doing with all those rats? He electrocutes them, of course and takes notes afterwards. Hm what he has been up to now? His experiment is interrupted by dumb-looking Sergeant Moncho (played by Lolo Herrero). He brought new work assignment papers to Dr. West (in that scene we can see boom mic inside Dr. West’s cell; another Yuzna’s goof). And he learned a new word. Dubious. Anyway, what that new work assignment might be? Apparently, brilliant young doctor (played by Jason Barry) has chose to work at prison clinic. His name is Howard Phillips (as in Howard Phillips Lovecraft). But why did he choose this workplace if he was so brilliant? Warden Brando (played by Simon Andreu) asked him the same question. Same as hot reporter Laura (played by Elsa Pataky) who happened to be there because of interview with horny, psychotic Brando who enjoys electrocuting people. Howard has given them some inconclusive answer. Doesn’t matter since we are going to find out soon his true motives. One of the prisoners called Moses (played by Nico Baixas) has suffered a heart attack and has been transported to prison ambulance where Howard meets Dr. West. After a brief talk over the Moses’ corpse (yeah, not even 5 minutes at job and Howard already managed to lose patient) we find out that Howard is big fan of Dr. West and his work in the field of re-animating and he wants them to work together. As even the dumbest among our readers have already guessed, Dr. Howard is none other than young Howard who lost his sister Emily 13 years ago. He even kept DR. West’s re-agent he had found that night for all those years. And they are going to use it on late Moses corpse. So basically, we got ourselves here two mad doctors. Of course, poor Moses turned feral and attacked them. Still no progress in re-animating. But wait… Best is yet to come.

Mad scientist in prison again!

While Moses has been locked in the box and beaten up by sick warden Brando, both of our mad doctors/scientists are conducting research. Dr. Howard provided everything Dr. West needs for his experiments. Dr. West believes he has found a way to restore rational behavior to re-animated people. But he doesn’t tell us how. Yet. On the other side, searching a way to cope with pressure, Dr. Howard managed to pick up horny Laura. During the first sex scene in Re-animator trilogy we can briefly see the reflection of a crewmember’s hand in a large mirror located above the bed in which Laura and Howard were making love.
Now, do you remember the rat Dr. West had electrocuted? Well it was the pet of another prisoner, some badass Mexican guy called Cabrera (played by Erneique Arce). Cabrera will have West’s ass if he doesn’t give him his rat back. Alive. Having no choice nor much time Dr. West decides to re-animate rat using his (in)famous re-agent. Of course, Dr. Howard, who is a bit gay for West, provided all ingredients necessary for making a shitloads of green liquid. As it always happens rat turns feral with supernatural strength. Now the second part – restoring RATional behavior. Here is how they are going to do it.
You see, when you die, last thing you see stays on the back of your retina, kind of like a photograph. According to Dr. West, he found a way to store that memory in small device called nano-plasma, in form of electric impulse (which he did earlier while electrocuting the rat). And not only that. It also tells the cells how to grow. So, he transferred impulse back to rat’s brain and voile!!! It was success. Or at least it seems like a success. Anyway, later that day, Dr. West was happy to give Cabrera his pet back. And Mexican was glad to get it.
On the other side of prison Laura takes another grand tour through building. She sneaks in Moses’ cell wanting to get interview with him. But warden Brando finds her and gets mad. Moses attacks him and bite his ear off, in that way earning himself getting beaten up with Brando’s cane. It seems that when you lose your ear your hormones go through the roof (someone call Jeffrey Combs to check up on this) since warden tried to force Laura to blowjob. Or maybe it is just because Brando is having really heavy mental issues. Anyway, Laura refused and tried to escape but warden was faster and strangled her. You guess what comes next.

Things are starting to get out of control in every sector of prison. West and Howard had re-animated Laura (and Howard calls her Elsa; another goof). Of course, she is still mindless since they lack nano-plasma. Warden discovers their secret lab. West uses an opportunity to knock him down, electrocute him and capture his nano-plasma impulse so he can transfer it back to Laura. But it didn’t turn out to be as ideal as they would think. It seems that Laura struggles between herself and warden’s attitude. Meanwhile, in prisoners part of building, Moses managed to escape his cell, beat down Sergeant Moncho, free Cabrera who sets free the rest of the prisoners. Cabrera also tried to rape Laura (she is got something savage in her, I can tell you that) but she easily repelled him with her superhuman strength. After that she joins the riot thus commencing a complete anarchy.

Lunch time!

Wanting to conduct one last experiment Dr. West re-animates warden, leaving him tied to a table so prisoners could easily find him. But that came back to bite his ass since warden managed to knock him down and steal his bag full of re-agents. Even re-animated, warden continues to do his job. He beats up prisoners, kills Sergeant Moncho because he failed to fulfill his orders as a guard and then re-animates him. So, now warden has become the re-animator. Also, re-agent gives him a chance to fulfill his sick, twisted desires. How? He hangs prisoners all around. When they die of suffocation, he re-animates them so they suffering could be prolonged for infinite time. Man, this guy really hates crime.This is gonna hurt.

We also got answer to the question what happens when you re-animate a living person. Though, no one actually asked it but it doesn’t hurt to know. Or it does? Anyway, while Brando was enjoying in suffering of hanged prisoners, one of the remaining living prisoners, a junky called Speedball (played by Santiago Segura) stole several re-agents and injected them into himself. He got really high, I can assure you. Meanwhile, Moses has cornered slutty looking nurse Vanessa, undressed her and started eating one of her tits. No, for real! That shows what disastrous effects prison may have on some men. But that’s not the end body parts feast in this movie. Get ready now! Remember warden’s failed attempt to force Laura to blowjob. Well, he found her again and this time he had more success in making his wish come true (thus negating my theory from the beginning of this review about how living impaired people don’t have sexual needs). You got to admire that man’s libido. But not for long since Laura bites off his dick and spits it. No, really! And it seems that dick has it’s own will.

Meanwhile, Dr. West has his own problems too. Half of Cabrera’s body jumps down from the ceiling and attacks him. Thanks to Yuzna’s “brilliant” production we can see the shadow of actor’s legs on the left wall. Great fight commenced. Half of the man overpowers West easily. Eventually, mad doctor triumphs by throwing poor half-man far, far away. Is that really a way to win a fight against handicapped man?

Progressive madness as we are coming near to an end. Dr. West finds Speedball and tries to get his re-agents back. Speedball really seems to did overdose since he exploded. But he is still alive. Without a complete front skin that is. Dr. West used an opportunity to retrieve re-agents and Speedball’s eye. I don’t need to tell you what does he intend to do with it.
Dr. Howard fights his battle with much stronger Laura. It was almost certain that he is going end up dead but eventually he managed to cut off her head. So that settles everything, right? Wrong! Aren’t you forgetting someone? Warden is still alive. But now he has become a crab. Or at least he moves that way. Dr. West engages in fight with him for one more, last time. And even that is not a fair fight. Cabrera’s half of body flies into the room (I only don’t know how). Dr. West, who is really pissed off in this moment, strikes it back in manner of professional basebal player using the warden’s cane as a bat. Now it is time to finish job. He electrocutes warden one more time, this time on electric chair, cracking out one more one-liner: “This experiment is over”. HA! Who says that scientists can’t be action heroes! Entire fight was spectated by warden’s dick and rat.

Audience

By the time S.W.A.T. team arrived Dr. Howard has already lost his mind. Dr. West used Howard’s new founded insanity to steal his ID card, leave a prison by introducing himself as Dr. Howard Phillips, leaving a poor, young doctor to laugh loudly together with Laura’s decapitated head. So, this time Herbert West is alive for sure at the end of movie.

Happy end?

Conclusion: I don’t know what I could possibly have to add here. Such madness can’t be seen even in most of Troma films. This looks like someone had Ed Wood re-animated. Apart of Jeffrey Combs, who plays Dr. West as best as he can, overall acting is tragic. Same goes for production. I don’t remember a movie who got so many goofs. Even budget was higher than in previous two parts when put together this sequel is the worst in franchise. It is simple – Yuzna shouldn’t be allowed to direct. Special effects and make up done by Screaming Mad George are decent but got lost in sea of bad production, repeating plot, severed dicks, flying torsos and eaten tits… But, despite all above mentioned, Re-Animator trilogy is far superior than Lord of the Rings trilogy, Indiana Jones trilogy and original Star Wars trilogy combined!!! And, I am going to repeat conclusion from my review of Bride of Re-Animator… When I die I still don’t want to be RE-ANIMATED!!!

P.S. For all of you wrestling fans out there here is a little treat for you:

Just as we were talking about the genius that is Jeffrey Combs we found out about a new and exiting project featuring non other than Mr. Combs himself. The project is low budget biopic of Edgar Alan Poe that reunites Mr. Combs with his Re-Animator director Stuart Gordon! The only thing missing is the producer Brian Yuzna (but I wouldn’t be too surprised if he showed up too). They started the campaign on Kickstarter some days ago so if you want to donate and make this film a reality you can do that right here, right now. Campaign fittingly ends on Halloween.

This movie starts unassumingly enough with a Japanese scientist facing a vicious gang lead by none other by the legendary Michael Berryman. Scientist does the only logical think he can do in this situation, ru… TURNS INTO A FREAKIN’ GILLMAN!? That doesn’t really help him much ’cause it seems that every single member of the gang has a “turn into a monster” switch. The poor dude never had a chance.

Little while later the detective is on the case, we know he’s the detective ’cause he is Max aka Mark Hamill with MUSTACHES!Although that makes him look a bit more like an old pervert when I think about it. He finds the daughter of the scientist in a local Martial Arts club and that’s where we meet our hero! Yes, the main character of this film is not by any means an SF/ Geek Culture legend like Hamill, nope! It’s an irritating blond highschooler called Sean who’s just this moment getting his ass kicked five ways to Sunday by a long haired dude who strangely wears a combination of Aikido hakama and Metallica shirt (it seems some things have changed sense the last time I went into the Aikido dojo).

The girl Mizky (Vivian Wu) takes the news surprisingly well, but I believe that’s just because of the actress’s inability to display any kind of convincing emotional reaction. Hamill takes her to the murder scene hoping the girl would provide any kind of clue and Sean fallows them. Maybe he’s jealous or something? Anyway trying to eavesdrop he stumbles onto a strange metal object and decides to keep it. A bit later he decides to pay Mizky Segawa a visit ’cause she promised him a date- despite the fact that her father just died hours ago!!! Now this Sean is either an asshole or a moron… or quite possibly both! I already said that he is a terrible lead character, right?

Disappointed he heads back and he’s luck doesn’t’ get any better. He gets ambushed by a street gang. And their leader is no one other than Aikido- Metalhead dude.He decides to continue what he started in the dojo, with a bit of backup this time. Son tries to defend himself but he’s martial arts are so pathetic that he almost gets killed but than something extraordinary happens… the alien bio- armor Guyver activates and merges with him and despite a bit dodgy effects suit is pretty cool. He of course completely destroys criminals but stays on the street dumbfounded trying to realize what the hell just happened.

Are all gangs really this retarded?

In the meantime the evil director of Kronos Corporation (David Gale who you may remember from such films as the Re-animator and Bride of the Reanimator) is giving Berryman a lesson for his failure to deliver the Guyver which he calls the most powerful weapon in the universe. It turns out that Lisker (Berryman) brought him a suitcase that contained no Guyver (but it did have a broken toaster in it). Having no other clues he orders him to find Sagava’s daughter and bring her to him. Also he displays his supreme evil by smashing a previously mentioned toaster!

We all know it’s all toasters fault!

Hamill is connecting the dots back to Kronos Corp. but other policeman (being stupid or corrupt) are trying to stop him. He disobeys and continues his investigation. Sean who can at this point only be described as a stalker again visits the girl again and after seeing she is completely heartbroken asks the immortal question “May is something wrong? Man, are you dense, retarded or something? You fallowed her to the murder scene last night, don’t you remember!? Of course he uses the opportunity to try to get in her pants. Unfortunately a neighbor comes barging in and he runs away seeing his opportunity for sex is gone. He returns a bit later with some food hoping for another chance with Mizky but founds Berryman and the his band of merry Zoanoids kidnapping her. Also Berryman shows that he is the hit with the ladies He offers a trip to Brazil to the muscled up lady with crazy hair and she practically jumps all over him. Sean doesn’t know what to do but then Max appears out of nowhere and spoils everything for the mutant team. Seeing they are getting away the already pathetic rapper dude transforms into a freakin’ JAR- JAR BINKS ON STEROIDS!

Hamill asks the girl what is happening and she screams “They want the Guyver” And the Guyver is right beside her without her even knowing it- what an incredible series of coincidences! All of the goons go all Moster Squad-y and that’s the moment when you finally realize how much they dropped the ball with the monster costumes. I mean, this movie is almost exclusively based on monsters a and this is what we get? Rejects from a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers show? That’s kinda’ tragic.

You Don’t Mess with theZoanoids!

After beating the living crap out of Hammil they concentrate on the girl and Sean and finally unleashes his power. Well, not really first he fails even at that but than after getting Hulk mad he proclaims “I am the Guyver” and truly becomes one. Bio-armored Warrior vs Monster- OK, that’s something that will finally make this movies watchable, right? WRONG! Jar- Jar start rapping like a 5 year old white kid challenging Guyver to fight and at that point all I want to do is turn off this film and never speak of it again. For some strange reason we decide to soldier on and when fighting finally starts it’s half- way decent. Some fancy karate moves , some of those Aikido take downs that he failed to learn in the beginning, some unnecessary and poorly placed acrobatics but all in all fun scenes. But then when they finally have something going for them they make the scene last way too long and in the end you root for the bad guys when they finally overwhelm the Guyver and… KILL HIM? Hellyeah!

And that’s all she wrote. At least he can hope, right?

I guess this is the end? Nope... Misky wakes up in the chambers of Cronos Corp. and the evil and the old man, director of the Kronos Corp is touching her. This is disturbing. He then shows her a few things, mostly Zoanoids, genetically altered human beings in tubes. She seems too stupid to understand any of that.

She’s a keeper, that one!

He envisions Zoanoids ruling the world, Zoltoid in the white house and such (Obama anyone?). He demands information on Guyver and then starts touching her once again. She tries to run but he takes her to Dr. East who is strangely the same person as Dr. West (from Re-Animator). She spots Hammil in one of those tubes and starts crying.They try to blackmail her in revealing the secret to activating Guyver right there but she kicks the old pervert in the nuts, grabs the Guyver (in it’s portable form ofc) and starts running away. Some comical scenes ensue and one of the mosters swalows the Guyver. Evil director is loosing his mind again but Guyver comes out… now fully grown and regenerated- he freakin’ regenerated the whole human being! How that human being fit into the stomach of that monster we will never know… Two of them set free Max (Hammil) and then we have some Road Runner/ Wile E Coyote runing scenes spliced with a bit more Guyver on Monsters action. Guyver finally defeats the whole Ziltoid gang but Hammil ends up turning into one himself. Just think about it, you get Star Wars alumni for your SF/ Action flick, you give him supporting rule and then you turn him into a freakin’ talking bug.., that dies immediately after transformation.

No, you are not stoned, Mark Hammil did in fact turn into a giant bug!

Their mourning is interrupted by the evil director aka ZOALORD and after demanding Guyver armor one more time he decides to take it himself… BY TURNING INTO A GIANT RED DINOSAUR/ SPIDER HYBRID! Now this confrontation could theoretically be exciting but it mostly happens off camera because of the budget limits and it ends as B- Movies always end, with a really big explosion (those at least are not expensive. Minsky and Sean look at one another, he takes off the Guyver armor and in the process ends up butt naked. Japanese girl seems overjoyed by that*. They walk into the “sunset” but then we see two shadowy figures in the background. Those turn out to be the corrupt cop (from the beginning) and Jar- Jar Binks Rapper (why, oh why is this man still alive?). Cop decides to give a little jab to Jar- Jar and he seems exhilarated by that fact- possibly ’cause he’ll have opportunity to spill a bit more of his lame rhymes while torturing somebody. Than the move thankfully ends. Whoa, this was a hard one- I can honestly say that we barely made it.

Happy ending?

Verdict: First problem of this movie I already pointed out and that’s sub- par costumes. But just as big the problem is the main character. You should root for the hero but this guy, this guy you want to see dead, possibly by decapitation. Good news- of course that actually happens during this movie (unfortunately it doesn’t stay that way). This is what happens when American’s try their hand in adaptation of manga/anime 20 years before the effects for doing so were available!

Live action Guyver with it’s bloody and crazy fights scenes could have been a cool flick but this just looks like a adaptation of Power Rangers with just one Ranger and fifth of the budget! Better waste your time on the original manga/ anime, it’s leaps and bounds above this monstrosity.

Trivia: Director of this movie Steve Wang actually did end up working on Power Rangers: The Movie 4 years later. Producers hired him due to being the only American experienced in making this type of movies but after he started suggesting various ways to “make film better” they quickly changed their minds and fired him.

Like this:

What happens if you are a fan of H.P.Lovecraft who get overwhelmed by nostalgia for good old 80s horror movies, but you got no budget? Nothing, renting a video is the only solution. But, if your name is Brian Yuzna, having no budget and no actors won’t stop you from defiling one of the greatest horror writers of all times!!! And if your name is still Brian Yuzna, you will make nostalgic incoherent 80s horror sequel, which has nothing to do with above mentioned horror writer, with the same crew from the first part (adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s “Herbert West – Re-animator”). But unlike Yuzna produced “Dreams of the Witch House”, “From Beyond” and “Dagon”, this piece of fun can’t be considered as a quality movie. Hilarious yes, but not quality.

That this is going to be some really weird shit, we noticed before movie even started, when floating head of West’s mentor Dr Carl Hill (played by David Gale) appeared in front of us, holding a monologue about his vengeance upon young Dr Herbert West, who, if you have watched the first part, decapitated Dr Hill, and then re-animated him using a strange green liquid he invented, which caused serious massacre after. But enough about the first part. Sequel takes us 8 months later and 10000 miles away from the massacre at Miskatonic medical school. Dr Herbert West (played by Jeffrey Combs) and his friend Dr Dan Cain (played by Bruce Abbot) are at low budget field hospital in low budget war zone of civil war in some far country. They volunteered as medics and they are near the end of their tour. No one actually bothered to explain how the hell Dr West had survived being torn apart by bunch of the angry zombies at the end of first movie!!! Did he re-animated himself? Nevertheless, he is alive and more than ever devoted to his job. A lot of corpses and deadly wounded soldiers are around him, and you know what that means? SPARE PARTS!!! Dr West feels like a kid locked in candy store. Of course, he is carrying his green liquid invention with him! One soldier is still alive and he is on the table, but Dan and West fail to save him due to enormous shrapnel inside unfortunate soldier’s chest. Dr West notices that soldier’s nervous system is still intact and decides to do the only reasonable thing one doctor can in such situations – he is going to re-animate him using his trusty old green goo. Losing a patient gets the completely new meaning!!! Showing no gratefulness for being re-animated, the re-animated soldiers attacks Dr West, trying to choke him. A moment later, cute Francesca (that looks like Serbian folk singer Dragana Mirkovic) storms in the field hospital and announces on very bad English that they have to retreat since their front lines are weakened. She arrived just in time to see Dr West ending his fight by shooting zombie in the head. Why did he re-animate him if he killed him a moment later? Some kind of sick fun? Anyway, Francesca (played by Fabiana Udenio) warns them about incoming enemy and then storms out. She is Dan’s ex girlfriend and no one bothered to explain what the hell she was doing 10000 miles away from her home in the middle of civil war. Not liking the Herbert’s idea of staying there and collecting body parts for further research, Dan entered the discussion with young doctor. Just in the middle of West’s monologue about reptiles being the key for creating the new life, enemy soldiers entered the field hospital and attacked them. Both of our doctors have shown us amazing skill with weapons, shooting one enemy soldier after another. Eventually, Dan saved West’s life but got wounded during that act and that was the sign they should go back.

Now we are back to Miskatonic hospital. Dan is talking to Gloria (Kathleen Kinmont) who is seriously ill and is preparing for surgery. Seems that Dan has a hot spot for her, unlike Dr West who sees her just as another body part depository. Dan noticed that, and another argue between doctors started a moment after Gloria has been taken away. We’ll leave them discussing as we are going to pathology wing of the hospital. Dr Graves (funny name for pathologist), has received a delivery from Lt Leslie Chapham (played by Claude Earl Jones). Dr Graves (played by Mel Stewart) is a cheerful pathologist who is in charge for the remains of the night of the massacre, and Lt Leslie delivered him the head wrapped in newspaper. The head belonged to no one else than Dr Hill. Apparently it turned up on sidewalk in front of Arkham (so much about proper waste disposal), and, after 8 months, it’s still well preserved. Lt Leslie takes the tour through chamber when other remains of the massacre are being held. There he had brief conversation with Dr Graves, who seems to be real nuts, considering his black humor jokes he is making all the time. Also, besides other well preserved remains of the massacre, detective finds a green goo, which Dr Graves jealously takes back with the explanation that he wanted to identify it first thing in the morning. The case of massacre is closed but detective wanted to investigate a missing body parts (including the missing feet of ballet dancer). Dr Grave has only one thing to say about it – Who would like to steal body parts? I think I got some idea.

It’s mine!!!

Sometime later, Dr West visits the chamber with massacre remains, finding it’s new resident. Yes, it’s Dr Hill’s head. Good doctor doesn’t miss the chance to have a little chat with his old friend and mentor, ending up in argue with severed head and slapping it with severed arm.

Who would want to steal body parts? THIS GUY!!!

The same evening, Dr Dan comes to the laboratory in basement of the house where he and Dr West are living. The house happens to be adjacent to cemetery (how convenient). Dan wants to say something to Herbert, but good doctor is too much occupied by extracting green ooze from the lizard to care for Dan’s words. Dan silently watches Dr West while he is making a stop motion spider made of wires, severed (and the most probably stolen) human fingers and human eye. Seeing that, Dan decided that he finally had it enough and announced his intention to move out the house, while yelling that West’s research is madness and blasphemy. Shaken by what he just heard Dr West decides to reveal his true plans. He wants to assemble Dan’s love of the life, a woman named Meg who died long time ago. To prove his intentions with evidences, West shows Meg’s preserved heart. That was enough to convince Dan not only to stay, but to help Dr West in his research bu stealing more body parts. At that point it was clear to me that this is gonna be the most shameful “Bride of Frankenstein” rip off!!! In that time Lt Leslie pays them the visit in order to question them about missing body parts and Dr West’s research about re-animating the dead tissue. During their conversation, West noticed that creature he made escaped while he wasn’t paying attention and now roams freely through his living room. Spider eventually comes on couch next to detective, who accidentally crushes it with Atlas of Human Anatomy, without even noticing that. There is no particular reason why Yuzna wanted to film this….I believe it was a comical relief.

This eye is missing one finger.

Always cheerful and ready for joke Dr Graves is keeping his promise. Remember his plan to try to identify the green ooze? Well, now he is testing it on dead bat. Bat gets re-animated and attacks clumsy stunned pathologist. After some fight, Dr Graves wins by cutting both of bat’s wings. It seems that he had it enough. But no, he now injects green ooze into head of Dr Hill. Seconds later, head starts talking to him. A couple seconds later head starts insulting our, until now, always in good mood pathologist. Excited by this event, Dr Graves invites the guy who works at crematorium to show him a miracle. But head wouldn’t talk to him. Completely crushed by this and previous insults he had to listen, Dr Graves finally loses his mind (not that he had much to lose anyway) and starts crying like a little baby. While he is doing that, beneath him, our two doctors are stealing another body from crematorium. That’s the corpse of another young woman, of course. More body parts to be harvested. On their way out, Dan meets Francesca in front of hospital. His smile is telling us that he intends to impale his flag on her Moon, thus cheating his soon-to-be-re-animated girlfriend.

–Weekend at Bernie’s?

Lt Leslie didn’t notice the obvious attempt of corpse smuggling, but he did notice Francesca, so he used his chance to take a tour through hospital with her, questioning and hitting on her in the same time. Interesting thing is existence of zombie reserve, located right behind children ward. Even more interesting thing is that employees in hospital don’t find it to be strange at all. Also, Francesca got attacked by zombies, but brave detective saved her.

Back to the laboratory. Our two doctors are doing last preparations for re-animating Dan’s long lost love. Only one part is missing – the head. After a brief professional discussion with Dr West, Dan decides to take a brake with Francesca, who has just arrived to their rendezvous. 5 minutes later, they are both in bed, thus fulfilling Dan’s plans about cheating his dead girlfriend. Meanwhile, in the underground laboratory, Dr West is fighting with leg he re-animated moments ago. Actually, leg is trying to strangle him (?!) Whit what, I am asking you? And all of this with Lt Leslie who is monitoring their house from his car parked across the street. Eventually, he storms in the laboratory, finding there good doctor experimenting with missing body parts, including the parts of his wife. Dr West was forced to kill detective and then re-animate him (damn, that man surely loves re-animating). As it always happens, re-animated detective goes berserk and tries to kill everyone around him, including half-naked Francesca upstairs. But her dog heroically sacrificed it’s life (and it’s leg) to save the beloved owner, for which it was rewarded with re-animation and human arm. Lt Leslie escapes and Francesca discovers their secret.

Quick, someone call P.E.T.A!!!

Now, do you remember that our doctors are missing one final part for assembling the bride of re-animator? Remember that that part is the head? Well, Dr West managed to find even that. No, they didn’t put the head of Dr Hill onto woman’s body (though, it wouldn’t be too much surprise even if they did, considering this movie). Remember the Gloria, the patient from the beginning of the movie? She died shortly after surgery and Dr West managed to steal her head right before her body was sent to crematorium. Below them, Dr Graves is trying to have a little peace with disobedient head of Dr Hill, which is sleeping at the moment (apparently, even severed heads needs sleeping). But no luck. Head had woke up, immediately starting to give orders to pathologist. Dr Graves, refusing to obey the orders, stuck the apple into the bigmouth head mouth’s and throws it in trashcan, which forced Dr Hill to use it’s telepathic powers to call upon all zombies.

Two wise heads.

Lt Leslie visits Dr Graves for the second time, but this time as a zombie who is under control of Dr Hill and who’s head is holding in his hands. He locks in terrified pathologist, taking his scalpel and performing a surgery on head of Dr Hill. On his way out, he tried to rape Francesca but no luck with that (I guess green ooze didn’t re-animate his sexual powers). Despite the fact that she doesn’t approve the work of Dr Dan and Dr West, after raping attack, Francesca run away to house of her beloved Dan, where re-animating of bride was already in progress. But she is not alone. Zombie detective is there too.

Freeze, re-animating police!!!

Gloria gives Dr West the lecture about blasphemy and sickness of his work, on which he replied that he created something not even God or woman could ever create. And what about with woman ability to give birth to a completely normal human baby, who has all the right parts and clear mind? I think he hadn’t thought of that. Being encouraged by successful re-animating of woman who has been assembled with body parts of every girl who died in this movie and by the fact that she actually recognized her beloved Dan (and immediately started hitting on him), Dr West even dared to call himself a God (not completely unexpected). Meanwhile, jealous Francesca tries to brake apart Dan and re-animated Meg. Bride of re-animator (also played by Kathleen Kinmont), didn’t like that idea a bit and seconds later we got ourselves a good old girl wrestling (well actually, one bad acting girl and one monster made of several girls, bolts, and wires). That feud seems that was enough for Dr Dan to make a decision with which girl he will stay. It happens to be Francesca. Seeing that, Meg torn out her broken heart from her chest followed by stop motion decomposing. Ah, love can really hurt.

My God, they made a sequel!

But that’s not the end of troubles for Dr West. From the crypt side of the wall, an army of zombies is swarming into his laboratory with intention to rip his body apart. They are led by head of Dr Hill, who becomes a flying mobile monstrosity after fusing a pair of bat wings to the side of his head. Dr Dan and Francesca managed somehow to escape from grand monster based finale, just in time before the entire house, together with the crypt, collapsed onto head of unfortunate Dr Herbert West. Now he is dead for sure. Or is he?

Conclusion: After extremely tragic, yet short, life and long, painful death, H.P. Lovecraft doesn’t even have peace of grave since imbeciles continue to defile his life’s works, and keep putting his name onto craps which have nothing to do with him (as is the case with Bride of Re-animator). Besides that, the movie is a constant battle to see who can chew the most scenery, combined with Yuzna’s dry writing and over-the-top effects (such as neon lights, shitload of fake blood, etc). I should not forget to mention Dr West’s cracking one liners completely straight faced during this whole movie and some decent special FX effects of Screaming Mad George. Still, one thing is for sure: When I die, I don’t want to be RE-ANIMATED!!!