Area Man Fucking Hates The Opera

While watching an encore presentation of Faust, an opera by Charles Gounod set to a French libretto by Jules Barbier and Michel Carré from Carré's play Faust et Marguerite -- which is itself loosely based on the novel "Faust" by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -- area man Buck Knodder reported being "seriously fucking pissed".

"This shit is gay," said Knodder under his breath, as the interview was conducted during the opera. "What the fuck is going on?"

Although the sight of "prancing people saying shit I don't even know about" was enough to incur his wrath, Knodder said that his resentment was doubled after being told by an attendant that he could not wear his hat in the theater. Enraged, he cursed at the attendant and removed the hat.

"This is shit," he said.

Faust debuted at the Théâtre Lyrique (currently known as the Théâtre-Historique, Opèra-National) in Paris on March 19, 1859. It was not initially well-received, and was actually declined at the National Opera House, a move which Knodder agreed with "entirely".

"I wouldn't let this shit in the Spectrum," he said, referencing Philadelphia's old hockey stadium. "What are they even doing? THIS ISN'T ENGLISH."

In addition to being performed in French, several recitatives have been added subsequent to the play's debut, replacing some portions of the original spoken dialogue. The short, semi-spoken musical numbers "confused the fuck" out of Knodder, only adding to his anger.

"Who watches this shit anymore?" asked Knodder, as most people in the packed theater around him rose to their feet to give the show's ending a standing ovation. "It doesn't make any sense. This is stupid."

Knodder is not alone in his discontent; the performance of Faust has been derided at the online community www.yahoo.com/opera, where several users decried its use of satanic imagery and devotion to metaphysical uncertainties.

Wrote user qtgrrl67, "opara sucks so bad like". Senior user honkytonkbadonkadonk, who has over 15,000 posts on the message board, wrote "I should have known: ALL JAPANESE FILMMAKERS SUCK! It should be outlawed that all JAPS should not be allowed to direct an American movie! They're all the same! It's sickening."

A poll conducted by MSNBC in 2007 found that of all American adults who went to the opera, only 3% could remember the name of the show they had seen, and 78% said that they only attended because an "asshole friend tricked me". 94% of those polled said opera "could suck [their] left nut[s]".

There is a 3% margin of error.

A spokesperson for the National Opera Association says that plans are in the works to try and make the opera more accessible for a wider range of people, including free popcorn and gummy snacks on Tuesdays, and replacing the entire cast with a giant screen that will play the opera's highlights on a YouTube video.