Thinks vol 2, Daily Mail edition

Think 1

Lately I’ve been working on forgiving Rihanna (some of you may know her, she’s an international pop star/ confirmed goddess). Our relationship has been tense ever since I (enthusiastically) listened to her January 2016 album Anti. It started off STRONG. I was definitely feeeeeling Anti. “Consideration?” Oh yes please. “Yeah I said it?” Hilarious. “Love on the Brain” and “Higher?” YAAAAAAAAZ gurl. With lyrics like “let me cover your shit in glitter, I can make it gold” how could I not love Anti?

And then “Pose” started. I was down. I could kind of relate to the lyrics “stir it up, porridge.” I mean, I like porridge. I’m also a fan of stirring shit up. I was also into her nazal-y nonsense “woo’s” and “yas, bitch” outbursts. But then I heard her declare she “ain’t ever liked a broke bitch.” Man, that was tough. I thought we were friends Rihanna. This was borderline offensive to me, a person who once returned an eight dollar eye shadow to the body shop so I could put that eight dollars back into my checking account so I could pay my rent (it was five years ago and I’ve learned to budget since then, kind of).

But no need to stress, I have now forgiven her. Why? Because yesterday I was reminded of these looks she has worn and how can you stay mad at someone who can slay even these looks? In case you haven’t picked up on it, we’ve always had a pretty shallow/ one sided relationship.

How?

How, sexy pirate/soldier? Teach us your ways.

I’m not sure how she took Chris Fitzpatrick’s outfit and made it chic but then again, #ConfirmedGoddess.

Think 2

In another post I made reference to the DailyMail’s questionable/pervy “journalistic” style. While doing “research” to find the above photos of Rihanna I was reminded of this. Of course, if you are going to celebrity news sites for literary genius then you might/ definitely will be disappointed (and if you are the current POTUS you will be disappointed by all news outlets… #SAD). And don’t even get me started on amateur, sarcastic white girl pop culture blogs- that writing is just pure trash. That said, it seems almost impossible for the writers at the DailyMail to refer to pregnant celebrities without using the phrase “heavily pregnant.” Imagine walking up to a close friend, or anybody and trying to pass off “Wow, you’re so heavily pregnant!” as a compliment. (Tip: I’ve learned it’s best to not comment on a pregnant woman’s size or appearance at all. #LifeHack) This probably wouldn’t matter much, except that in 2011 the Pew Research Centre released data that showed the British Daily Mail was one of the top 25 most heavily- trafficked online news sources in the U.S.

To further demonstrate the DailyMail’s journalistic jargon I have done you the favour of collecting some really meaty headlines from today’s celebrity feed (and the “news” section wasn’t that much better to be honest):

“Rita Ora puts on a leggy display in a monogrammed mini skirt”

Translation: Rita Ora walks from her car into a building wearing clothing.

“Hailey Baldwin flaunts her cleavage in sultry Instagram snap”

Translation: 20 year old model gets hair and makeup done, poses for the camera like models do. (In athleisure)

“Ultra bronzed Lottie Moss flashes a hint of her toned stomach”

Translation: A 19 year old walks from her car into a club. Also wearing clothes.

“Bottoms up! Bella Thorne shows off her perky posterior in sultry bikini shot” (Bonus points for alliteration. High five DailyMail!)

Translation: A 19 year old goes on a vacation, wears a bathing suit, likes the way it looks, poses for a photo.

“Model of the moment Harlow flaunts her enviable figure in heavily cut out gown”

Translation: Model Winnie Harlow does her job and walks down a runway.

“Yorge flaunts her heavily pregnant figure in a sultry sweat suit”

Translation: A 23 year old undergrad eats one chocolate bar and an entire bag of chips, walks from the kitchen to her bedroom to binge watch Australian hit T.V. show Please Like Me for 4.5 hours.

Not sure who this “Yorge” is, but I like her taste in T.V. shows.

Okay, but besides that last one those were all real. Why does the DailyMail have all these women flaunting, and flashing? Yes, in some of these examples the women are posing and posting photos on Instagram because they like the way they look and want other people to see it too (and that’s fine) but since when is walking to your car “putting on a display?” (Also I’m not sure how “bronzed” you have to be for it to be classified as “ultra” but I’m guessing I have not achieved this.) Based on these headlines you’d think it’s almost like everything they do is for our gaze and not just them going out to dinner with friends and out to the club, like normal 20-somethings. How fun. #LeggyDisplay

Think 3

If you’re a man reading this and wondering, “where’s my shitty sexist headline?” don’t worry, the DM has got you covered too!

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