Trailblazer: noun trail·blaz·er ˈtrāl-ˌblā-zər 1: one that blazes a trail to guide others : pathfinder 2: pioneer Young: adjective ˈyəŋ 1: of, relating to, or having the characteristics of youth or a young person, young at heart 2: capitalized : representing a new or rejuvenated especially political group or movement

To Fight in Front of the Kids, or Not?

My husband and I can FIGHT. Like, we are GOOD at it. We don’t feel the need to use gloves because we don’t want to cusion the blow. If you have ever been in a mentoring meeting or have taken a class with us you know the story of the police being called on one of our loud, escalated fights. It’s not a moment we’re super proud of, although it is funny to look back on now.

We all know how the story ends in our marriage (GOOD, thank you Lord!) but the most intense fights we ever had were during the years when our kids were still tiny.
Did you hear that? We had KIDS IN THE HOUSE during these moments! What we’re we thinking?!

You may be in the very same situation as you read this. You may have just had a big blow up with the spouse that has you feeling defeated or like you have ruined your kids for the rest of their lives.

Nope.

Kids are resilient and get over things a tad better than we think they do. We like to protect them from every little thing but in reality, those solutions backfire. Hear me out.

Everyone has heard that it damages kids emotionally to witness their parents fight. Because of this thinking, new-aged, modern parents try to protect little Jimmy from every conflict, not just outside the home, but inside as well. We have been told that if they see the adults in their world in conflict, it will make Jimmy aggressive and a ruined member of society.

The truth is Jimmy needs to see his parents fight. Two people do not come together to share their lives till death do they part without a conflict here and there. Its impossible. That’s not realistic. And when we teach unrealistic values such as this in the home the kid never learns to resolve problems (at least not without extensive help, and isn’t it our goal to train kids NOT to be dependant…)?

You may be thinking, “but do we really want to have our kids witness the intense fights about money?”

How intense are we talking? If the fights escalate the way ours used to it may be time to get some outside help. How enjoyable of an environment is that for YOU let alone the kid? Of course, abuse is NEVER to be tolerated.

The most important point here is that the fights themselves don’t actually matter. Studies suggest that you can basically have a knock-out, drag-out of a doozy (but let’s not, ok?) and the kids will be just fine as long as you follow through and FINISH IT.

Ok, that was not a plug for the mob. Kids need to see their parents make-up. On average, children are witnessing their parents bicker about 8 times a day and only giving affection 3. What do you think that does to their sense of security?

Working on your marriage, being able to have a respectful disagreement and working through it with affection… in front of the kids… Builds healthy kids. One study found that children’s emotional well-being and security are more affected by the relationship between the parents than by the direct relationship between parent and child.

Have your fights but learn to have them wisely and let the kids see you resolve them. That’s how we change the future.

And when you stop to think about it, that’s really the entire point, isn’t it?
~If you need help in this area of your marriage; learning to respect each other, learning to communicate better, learning to resolve those pesky fights, contact me. We have resources for you.~