Nice Guys – why do some women freak out?!

I am a long term bee under a new name as I have recently separated from my husband of 7 years. I have been feeling so happy and relieved since we officially ended things back in January. My husband was quite an insensitive and selfish man a lot of the time. He rarely complimented me or celebrated special occasions with more than a “Happy …”.

I have since met a guy (just friends at the moment) who seems lovely! He compliments me and has a positive outlook on life. I don’t want to compare every guy I meet to my husband, but the thing is, I want someone different to him. He was quite a negative person towards me at times, and wasn’t very caring. Now I feel like nice men freak me out a bit. I’m not used to being treated so well, but I’m certainly not opposed to it!

My point here is, why do nice guys freak some of us women out? I’m a pretty nice and easy-going person myself, and would love to end up with someone kind and caring. We’ve already disagreed on a few things, nothing extreme and it didn’t cause an argument. How can I stop letting compliments and kind gestures from freaking me out?

julies1949: Exactly. I think it is more of an addiction to drama and not so much the guy because if you ask most women, they do like to be treated nicely. That being said, I have met quite a few “nice” guys who deep down inside really aren’t that nice and a few “bad boys” who would do anything for their friends but are incapable of remaining faithful in a relationship.

MisssJames: That was exactly me. My marriage was pretty bad so when I met my current FI I was really taken aback by his “niceness”. It took a loooong time for me to believe that he was actually that nice. To sort of get used to being treated like a person should be treated. You may just still have your guard up, but if he’s the real deal it’s gonna be great!!

I agree with PP that many women are drawn to drama, and nice guys just plain create less of it.

I also think that many women are taught to view themselves valuable only if they fulfill certain requirements – pretty, thin, nice, sweet, girly, upbeat, etc. etc. etc. Since hardly anyone can fulfill all of those requirements all the time, most women end up feeling worthless at some point (or all points) in our lives. Then when a really nice man comes along and treats you well, you might end up suspicious and self sabotage the relationship, since deep inside you don’t believe you’re worthy of it.

I’ve never understood that. I’m with the stereotypical “nice guy” and so has every guy Ive ever dated! But my “type” is sort of sweet silly nerds (he plays D&D, we are talking NERDs). I want to be treated with kindness and respect.

I wasn’t scared by the “nice guy” aspect when I met my DH (I actually adored his sweet demeanor!). However, what DID freak me out is that he wanted to do everything for me and take care of me in every way. This alone freaked me out, because I was brutally independent, longtime single, career obsessed individual at the time. I was scared to lose my independence, and scared of change. I think that’s what most women get freaked out about… They don’t know how to react to that type of treatment, don’t think they deserve it, etc. You have GOT to change your perspective. Don’t be one if those women who ends up with the same sort of men, time and time again… You have to break the cycle. Especially after going through a separation like you have.

I had to force myself to let my guard down in that aspect. It took several months to do completely (I *cried* when I unpacked my stuff in our new home, and realized that I didn’t have all MY space. Lol), but I eventually did.

Yes, I HAVE lost some of my “old” self in the process. However, it was only the negative aspects of who I was then. Now, I’m just a much better version of that… With an amazing husband to thank for that!

Just live outside of your comfort zone… Realize someone would not treat you in such a kind and caring way, unless they truly value you inside and out… And show your appreciation! I knew my DH was one that I could NEVER let loose, so I thought of special things I could do to show him how special he was to me, too… Took HIM on our second date (chose the place, time, etc), called ahead to reserve seating with the best view, had then prepare one if favorite foods he’d mentioned as an appetizer that was waiting, ordered the same beer he had on our first date to be waiting for him upon our arrival without him having to order, etc. I cooked (and still do) him nice surprise dinners, and would invite him over, etc.

It was those things that really stuck out to him, because like you said, all the other women before me just did not appreciate what a sweet and gentle guy he is. Onice you find a man who treats you how you SHOULD be treated, hang on to him!

I’ve always been attracted to ”the nice guys”, the nerdy, quiet and shy guys, and I never understood why some women are drawn to the drama. I’ve had friends living rolling coasters of emotions over awful relationships where their partners abused them verbally and emotionally, tell me that there has to be something wrong with couples who never fight, and that their relationship must be boring. o_O I guess when you settle your standards that low, you unfortunately prevent yourself from meeting a truly nice partner, who will respect you and treat you well and cherish you. Everybody deserves to be loved, cared for and respected. You need to believe this in order to appreciate a partner who will demonstrate all of this (and even more) to you, because once you believe it and once you settle that new standard for yourself, you’ll never allow anyone to treat you any differently, and you’ll never have to tolerate unacceptable behavior from a partner, ever again.

julies1949: Mmm I can understand that with some women. Definitely not in my case, I hate drama.

RedHeadKel: Thank you 🙂 It is a bit weird being treated so nicely! And I know I definitely do not want to end up with someone like my husband again.

Soon2bmarried123: Maybe that’s a bit of what scares me here. He always offers to help me, and I am very independent and enjoy doing certains things myself and by myself. It’s funny you mentioned about changing my perspective, and I’ve wondered if that’s something I do need to do. I really want to end up with someone who is nice and respectful and treats me much better than my husband did. I had 20 trips to the hospital during my pregnancy with our son (6 months) and my husband didn’t take me once, my Mum was the one who had to take me. He was either at work or just didn’t feel like taking me and would tell me I was fine, when the hospital told me to come in straight away.

The things you mentioned that you do for your husband, I did similar things for my current husband, but I don’t think he ever really appreciated them. I’ve already helped out the “nice guy” I’ve met, in quite an important way, and he was so thankful, he even bought me the biggest box of one of my favourite chocolates as a thank you.

MisssJames: I’m sure it’s just the obvious differences that are making you a bit nervy – even if change is for the good, it can still be overwhelming! Embrace being with a ‘nice guy’, much easier than always feeling like you’re being put through the mill emotionally.

I’ve always liike the ”nice guys”. Well I don’t have a ”stereotypical ” preference but always liked being treated with respect. I never felt bored by being with someone who loved me very much and didn’t play games.

MisssJames: It depends whether you’re referring to a nice guy or a Nice Guy. You know, the ones who expect that any female they make friends with will inevitably fall in love with them and/or give them sex on demand, and when these women have the tenacity to see them as a friend (you know, because the man established a friendship with them), the guy turns around and is all “why do women only love bad boys” and “women are bitches, I’m such a Nice Guy!!”. I HATE those men and want nothing to do with them. My DH is not ‘nice’ in that he can be sarcastic and bitchy. So can I. But we’re never rude or bitchy to one another.