Posts Tagged ‘Mastering Snowboarding’

Guys (I mean this in the gender-neutral, all inclusive way), it’s just snowboarding, right? I mean yeah, there are millions and millions of dollars in the game now, but it’s still snowboarding. It’s still all about being out there, having fun with your friends and stomping trip corks. And if you believe that you are fooling yourself. This shit it real life.

Item #1Mastering Snowboarding

Look kid, you want to get out there and really master some snowboarding? Try it like this: First, buy my book. Second, master snowboarding.

You want to know about techniques? They’re in my book. By the time you’re done purchasing and reading my book you will have mastered snowboarding techniques, like the “Turn” and the “Go Straight”. I’m also going to show you how to do the tricks. The section on japan airs is pretty short. It reads, “It’s not going to look good when you do it, so don’t try unless you’re alone.” Of course, there is also a 47-page chapter on the method. We’ll be going over and over and over that one, so you don’t fuck it up. You don’t want to look like that fat fuck, Rumorator, and spend your junior year with desktop wallpaper of you doing a girl method, do you? Shit, I should have written this book years ago for him.

Equipment is important, so we cover that too. You think you can just show up at the ski area with Ten Things I Hate About You on VHS and a dog-eared copy of Taming of the Shrew talking about intertextuality? WRONGO, dude. Wrongo. You need equipment. Specifically boots, bindings and a snowboard. WHOA, SPOILER ALERT!

But still, buy the book, it’s packed with important strategies. Because this is Mastering Snowboarding, we’re gonna start with the basics like, “Stop sitting on the ground, like a cripple, to put on your bindings”. Stand up and do it. Honestly, it’s not that hard. I even saw that shitbag, Rumorator, do it standing up while smoking a cig.

We’ll also cover these important strategies:

Bury your beers in the snowbank by your car. That way they are chilled when you want them. But, be sure to mark your burying spot with a stick and remember not to piss on them.

You can also bury beers on the hill for later use.

When your getting on the chairlift, remember: goofy-footeds go on the left, regulars on the right.

Seriously, parking lot beers are the best.

Have you tried those NXTZ necktubes? Unbelievable. Whole new world with those things on.

see what it’s really about. I imagine it being too similar to the Skateboarding Freestyle books the library had when I was a youth.

Take note: I have never written a book.

Item #2 Perhaps with all of their book money Hannah and Tawnya can each buy a new Mercedes Benz C350 with 4matic.

Where do we start with this rubbish?

Clearly these people don’t read Boardistan. Don’t they know towing kills? This shit isn’t big wave surfing. This isn’t Laird Hamilton. There is no need to be pulled around for side hits like this.

Rob Kingwell, you and your strange accent urge the viewer to trust you that this is going to be epic. But it’s incredibly unepic. This is some wakeboarding style happening here. I’m surprised there are no white sunglazzles shown and that Brooke Geery isn’t around to write an article about it.

I guess this is to demonstrate the traction of the 4matic, but I’m pretty sure most cars could do this with or without four-wheel drive. But hey, Jackson Hole, snow and a snowboarder. It all comes together for a prefect example of extremism and why you should buy a Mercedes.

It seems Brain Farm produced this piece for MB. It’s rad that they got paid, but I kind of feel bad for them because they probably had something way cooler in mind and then the client kept pulling it back and pulling it back. Because that’s how advertising works. Good ideas get fucked over and over and over until no one is happy.