Archive for the Alien Category

Spring has arrived, y’all! We survived winter, and things are warming up. And with spring comes new beginnings, which is our topic today… Hold on tight, because we’re leaving this planet. First things first though. Welcome back to the Unholy Cathedral. I am your caretaker, Dvo, and over the weekend I saw the recently-released sci-fi/horror flick Life. Full disclosure, I wasn’t sure what to expect here. The preview (for once) didn’t give away a whole lot, and I went in expecting more of a thriller than a horror movie. But imagine my reaction when things started getting creepy! Nothing more soothing than some blood and guts, am I right? Let’s get into this.

Life is a story about the astronauts aboard the ISS (International Space Station, but if you didn’t know that, deduct one point from your hp) who are on a mission to retrieve a cargo capsule that departed from Mars, carrying some items from the Red Planet. As I’m sure you’ve guessed, they do recover this capsule, and on it, they find a few things. One of which, is intriguing to say the least. A specimen that seems to have a cellular structure, and has flagella, of sorts. In other words… possibly life beyond earth. But a funny thing happens after some experiments… the creature appears to be reacting to some stimuli. Only one thing to do now, right? MORE EXPERIMENTS. What could go wrong? 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀

Life is directed by Daniel Espinosa, who’s relatively new to the game in terms of directing. This appears to be his first movie in the horror genre, and it’s a pretty strong debut! I think Event Horizon and obviously the Alien saga (read: NOT Jason X) are the golden standards for outer space horror, but this flick definitely holds its own. It’s got its scares, certainly some gore, and it’s an intense ride from start to finish.

Put on your space suits in, Blasting Off for A Closer Look in 3…. 2…. 1….

Villain: An alien creature from Mars

How do I Stop It?: Hell if I know! Pray to God that you aren’t ever confronted with one of these bad boys. My best recommendation is to cancel those plans for that Mars all-inclusive vacation you were planning.

Lessons Learned: A whole bunch. Let me start with a question though… Do we really need to find life beyond Earth? I don’t want to get super meta here, but what’s wrong with good ol’ humanity? I think all of you are perfect. In fact, I think yo BRAIN is a shooting star. With that said.. if we ever DO find an alien, the last thing I want to do is try to PISS THE HELL OUT OF IT. Scientists are just dumb. FO REAL. Next lesson. If you’re going to quarantine a room, make damn sure the room is actually quarantined. Basic stuff here, kids. There’s one more big lesson, but I’d be ruining the movie if I said it. Let’s just agree that they messed up a whole bunch of times. #YaBlewIt

Who Do I Watch With?: This is a pretty intense movie. Not for the faint of heart. So maybe put the kids to bed, and invite your bravest friend over. And tell him to bring a pizza. Preferably one with pineapple. #TeamPineapple.

Movie Trivia: Nothing too great here… but here’s what I’ve got. Ryan Reynolds was supposed to play the lead in this film, but due to scheduling conflicts with another film, he instead took a supporting role. Also, this is Skydance’s first R-rated film.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 9/10. This thing is pretty bad ass, as far as badass aliens go. In the spirit of not spoiling things, I won’t go into details. But know that Calvin is not to be messed with.

Scare Factor: 6/10. I think overall this movie is more “intense” than it is “scary,” but don’t think that this is light, good-humored fun. This is an edge-of-your-seat kind of movie that is gripping the whole way.

Gore Rating: 4/5. Very Bloody Machete!

Goriest movie I’ve seen in a while! There were a few moments in Life that really made me cringe, and at one point I even made an audible sound of disgust. Not for the faint of heart. This is pretty grotesque in some parts, but in a very good way.

Overall Rating: 4/5 Martians

LOOK HOW SCARY IT IS. I told you we shouldn’t mess with these things, whatever they are. All Matt Damon jokes aside, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. I did kind of see the ending coming, but it was still really solid nonetheless. Apparently there’s a fan theory that this movie might be a prequel to an upcoming film, so we’ll see how that pans out. But either way, Life delivers the intensity, and is worth the ticket price to check it out in theaters.

That’s going to wrap up this review, but a few quick notes before I depart. First, I normally don’t plug other things on here (but I’m not opposed, so let me know if you’re interested in 40-ish people getting a blog plug, haha), but a friend of mine turned me on to a pretty hilarious podcast lately, and I definitely recommend it if you’re into paranormal/conspiracy theories kinds of topics. Or even if you just want to laugh at it, because it’s great. It’s called “The Unbelievable Podcast,” and can be found with a simple Google search. Check it out, and learn to unlearn everything you know! Anyway.. hopefully I’ll be back again soon with more scares. Keep the requests coming!

Greetings once again, earthlings. Welcome back to your favorite not-so-frequent journey into the darkness. I’m back with another fresh movie that just opened in theaters this weekend. That’s right, it’s Prometheus, the long-anticipated prequel to the Alien saga. I’ve been pretty darn excited for this one since I first saw previews nearly a year ago. And after the long wait, I can say this: It was worth it.

Prometheus is the story of two scientists who have found some ancient markings pointing to a group of planets. The funny thing is, all of the markings come from different civilizations that weren’t even in the same time periods. So they join a crew of fellow scientists, and they travel to the moon of a distant planet that appears to be the object of the drawings. Their ship eventually finds its destination, much to the excitement of the lead scientists. But then things start getting strange… What on earth (or in this case, what on this moon of another planet) is that “hologram” thing? And what about the dead bodies? Then there’s the strange murals on the ceiling… And what’s that black goop?! Turn around now, boys and girls.

You gotta love the alien franchise. That’s all there is to it. There are a lot of really good things going on in this flick. I’d say one of the stronger points of this movie is the character development that takes place, from the super-bitch running the show (Ms. Theron) to the very sneaky robot played by Michael Fassbender. Everyone develops their own agenda, and it ends up in utter chaos. Also, the visuals are fantastic, from the spaceship itself, to the chambers of the “base.” Props to the creative director for some really crazy scenes. However, I did have the chance to see this with some friends who are very well-versed in the Alien saga, and they pointed out some discontinuities between Prometheus and the original Alien. But for the common viewer, it’s something you’ll never notice. So just enjoy the ride.

Ok… now let’s go over to the spawning chamber so we can take A Closer Look

Villain: I feel like movies are getting more convoluted. Maybe we’re becoming a smarter species. Because picking “a villain” has been somewhat difficult as of late. And this is no exception. I’m going with… The Engineers. Not saying anything more.

How do I stop them?: You’d be quite hard-pressed, that’s for sure. But if you do encounter one, I hope you’re packing some serious heat. Or an ultimate face-hugger.

Lessons Learned: Gee, I don’t know. Maybe some secrets are better left undiscovered. Maybe it’s not worth travelling half a billion light years because you found some tablets and cave paintings. Or MAYBE… you just shouldn’t mess around with slimy creatures. Ok, there’s no “maybe” for that last one. DEFINITELY don’t mess around with slimy creatures you encounter on the moon of a planet that is millions of light years away. Also… can we all agree that “intelligent” robots are not a good thing?

For the most part, this movie is very sci-fi, and just interesting. But there are definitely some ultra-creepy scenes. You see it coming almost every time, but it’s still really scary when they happen.

Gore Rating: Full Bloody Machete

Yeah, this flick is really, really gory. There’s a lot of alien violence (trying not to give details here), but there’s also a really disgusting surgery scene. If you’re at all queasy when it comes to blood, be ready to avert your eyes.

Overall Rating: 4.5/5 Face Huggers

Really, really strong flick. The storyline is very good, even the beginning (which I had to have explained to me afterward). And it confirms what I’ve been hearing from others… It invokes a lot of thought about humanity in general. There’s just not much bad to be said about this movie, other than the slight discontinuities into the other Alien films. But also, this treads a fine line between horror and sci-fi (more toward the latter), so I have a tough time putting it near the top of my “favorites” list. Regardless, it’s a great movie. Be sure not to miss it in theaters.

That’s it and that’s all, kids. Want to thank all of you loyal hellions for tuning in, and also for being patient. My update frequency has gone down as of late, but hopefully it’ll get better soon. I guess it’s bound to, as we’re approaching 4 months until Halloween! I’ll have to think of some fresh ideas for this year’s Halloween season. After all, it could be our last. Here’s to armageddon.

Oh, and one last thing. Time to plug other projects! If you haven’t heard, some strange gentlemen decided to start a podcast! “What’s this podcast about?” you ask. It’s about everything! Each week we submit a new topic, and discuss said topic for about an hour. Along with general entertaining side discussions, of course. “How do I listen?” you ask. Go to http://soundcloud.com/spinoramapodcast, silly! And also follow them on Twitter @Spinoramacast. Ok. I’m ending this plug. Happy haunting kiddos.

Advanced warning… This one just might have an abundance of ATHF references.

Well well well, back to it. B-Movie February is officially over, but as I said last time, there will definitely be some more junkers to come. But this week, we’re going back into the great forever, outer space. And this time, we find ourselves on that beautiful night light we here on earth call… The Moon. I hear that Da Moon Rules #1. Anyway, this flick says otherwise.

So here’s the scoop. The United States launched missions on Apollo 8 through 17 between 1963 and 1972. But then we just stopped going to the moon. Did we run into the Gorgatron? Did the moon masters repel us away, never to return? Who knows. Either way, we stopped. At least, that’s what the official records say. Apollo 18 is the story of a top-secret mission to the moon, funded by the Department of Defense. And here’s the kicker. The astronauts themselves don’t even know why they’re going. All they can tell is that they have to place some transmitters around. Things start okay, but very soon there is some strange interference with their communications. And then their flag goes missing.. And what in the world is that other space module doing there??? Better start looking for that screw of damnation.

So when I first saw previews for this, I was pretty excited about it. But then it got terrible reviews, so I opted to skip the theater viewing. But now that it’s out on DVD I figured I’d give it a shot. And I must say, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. There’s definitely some creepy scenes, and I like the general premise. But at the same time, there are some poor decisions throughout in terms of actual movie-making. Lots of cheap camera tricks, and lots of re-using ideas to generate scares. Could it be better? Definitely. But it could also be a lot worse.

My dad owns a dealership. Let’s take A Closer Look

Villain: Moon Monsters!

How do I Stop Them?: Well, this is one that I don’t think you need to worry about, unless you’re part of the 0.0000001% that actually gets to go to the moon. And if you are, us 99.9999999%-ers all hate you. Occupy Da Moon.

Lessons Learned: Let’s face it. Outer space is just terrifying. There’s evil forces from other dimensions, face hugging/human nesting/double-mouthed aliens, and now there’s critters on our friend Mr. Moon. The ultimate lesson is to just not leave earth. Earth! Earth! That doesn’t have quite the ring of a good old USA chant, but oh well.

Who Do I Watch With?: Your nearest alien friend. And no, I’m not talking about your gardener, you jerks.

Rating the Flick

Scare Factor: 5/10 (Texas Chainsaw Mascara)

So as I said, they re-used a lot of ideas that have already been done in other scary movies, which is pretty frowned-upon by yours truly. However, the good news is that they re-used some pretty darn scary ideas. So don’t expect to just cruise through this one. It’s got its moments.

Gore Rating: Moderately Bloody Machete

As a whole, this one isn’t that bad. But there’s one scene in particular that’s pretty tough to watch. Some pretty gruesome stuff. Also, it’s been a while since I’ve watched a good bloody mess. Might have to work on that. And I literally just now had an idea for a possible movie that fits that bill.

Overall Rating: 3/5 Quad Glaciers

As I said, this one is definitely better than I had anticipated. (Side-note… is it crazy that the mooninites are basically inverse colors of each other?) The acting isn’t terrible, and again, the premise is pretty cool. But I don’t like the “interference” camera tricks they use, and there’s some parts that don’t even make sense. If this is supposed to be “found footage,” how in the hell did they get the shots of their ship floating through space? There’s some silly things that really bring this down, otherwise it would be a pretty decent flick. So if you’re ever completely out of ideas for something scary, maybe give this a whirl. But hurry up, because there is but one copy of this movie in the known galaxy. So you’d better get the three-pack.

Alright kids, there you have it. Consider these lunar landers lamented. And now take a minute to clean up the mess I just made by exploding your brains. As of a few paragraphs ago, I’ve got a decent idea for my next movie, but as always, I’m open to suggestions. So keep ’em coming!

Until next time, watch out for those Ben Afflecks and those terrible Aerosmith songs. (Terr-osmith songs? +1)

Welcome to the other side, kiddos. Hopefully you all survived All Hallow’s Eve without any evil encounters. I must say, October was quite the month. As much fun it is, it’s also a lot of work for yours truly. But don’t worry, as October has come to an end, the horror does not. This week I viewed the original Alien, starring Sigourney Weaver back when she was pretty hot, and still pretty badass.

So if you’re a complete L-7 weenie and aren’t familiar with the Alien saga, we’re dealing with, well, an Alien. Sometime in the future, a cargo ship is hauling ore from a distant planet back to earth, but along the way, the ship makes a pit stop to investigate a mysterious signal being transmitted. Things don’t look good right from the get-go. There’s a downed spaceship transmitting what appears to be a warning. And inside this ship, there’s a giant room full of eggs that appear to be from an organic life form. And even then, one of them hatches a disgusting creature that latches onto the face of one of the crew members. That in itself is pretty awful. But why is this creature so resilient to attack? And what exactly is it doing on this guy’s face??? Yikes.

It’s been quite a long time since I sat all the way through the original Alien. And I must say that I was a tiny bit disappointed in the scares this time. But that’s not to say that it was bad, because it’s still a kick-ass movie. The “build-up” for this movie is just genius. The whole time we know something is clearly not right. But for a first-time viewer, the progression is just shocking. This alien is all sorts of messed up. And because it’s a life form from another planet, it’s completely feasible, whether you like to admit it or not. There’s a few things I can take away from this film (more on this later), but for the most part it’s a strong film by mr. Ridley Scott.

So stop hugging faces, and let’s take A Closer Look.

Villain: An alien who infiltrates a cargo ship and becomes rather hostile towards the small crew.

How do I Stop It?: Very, very carefully. Don’t make this sucker bleed, lest you risk some seriously corrosive acid exposure. So any way you can kill this thing from afar is good. Or else just dispatch of it the conventional way– into space.

Lessons Learned: Ok, here’s where I start taking things away. The crew in this movie are a bunch of freaking morons. If you find yourself on a foreign planet, and you happen on a room full of eggs, one of which is about to hatch… the optimal thing to do is NOT to go right next to it and see what comes out. Next… Enough with the stupid cat. If the cat you brought on your intergalactic trip decides to wander about because a freaking ALIEN is on the loose, let the stupid thing go. Kitten rescue missions are the exact opposite of what needs to happen. And finally, I can’t say from experience what it’s like to look an alien in the eye. But I really like to believe that if I did, here’s what I would NOT do: stand still. Run, you fools. Run.

Rating the Flick

Scare Factor: Reason for concern. (5/10)

In terms of actual scares, this one has lost its value. And I think a lot of that can be blamed on the vast commercialization of the alien brand. Everyone knows this thing’s tricks now, so the shock factor is unfortunately lost. But if you’re new to the game and aren’t exactly sure about it, be on guard. Because there’s still a few scares to be had.

Villain: 8/10.

At one point in the movie, a scientist refers to the Alien as the “Perfect Organism,” and to be quite honest, he’s not too far off. It’s incredibly difficult to dispose of this beast, and it grows only to be a killing machine. The odds are not in our favor should we ever encounter one. That being said, it could use some new methods of killing if it wants to get those two points back for a perfect score.

Gore Rating: Moderately Bloody Machete

There’s definitely some gore to be had throughout this one, but nothing to the point where you have to look away. The alien itself is a pretty nasty looking thing, but it’s more bad ass than it is grotesque. So as long as you’re okay with a little bit of violence, you should be just fine.

Overall Rating: 3.5….. Aliens???

All things said, this movie spawned multiple sequels, and to date I think this is one of the better horror franchises around. One may argue this is more sci-fi (or SyFy, if we’re being cable-correct) than horror, but I’m saying this is just gruesome and scary enough to qualify for the Unholiness. So the next time you’re looking to dive into the deep beyond, consider giving Alien a spin in your movie playing device.

So there we go. Another one off of my list of promised films. Only a few more to go, including another trip into outer space! Apparently there’s not enough evil-doing on this planet, so we had to travel thousands of light-years to find even more evil. What the hell is wrong with us?????

Well well, now we’re getting somewhere. Two updates in as many days! If you didn’t see yesterday’s update, be sure to scroll down for some Donnie Darko goodness. So, keeping the scares coming, tonight I saw the freshest movie of the week, The Thing. After seeing the haunted house at Hollywood Horror Nights, I’ve been nothing but excited to see this movie. The haunt was just terrifyingly wonderful, so I went in with some pretty high expectations for this flick. Oh, and then there’s that whole “This is a remake of a badass Kurt Russell film” thing.

If you’re completely out of the loop, The Thing is a film about scientists who discover an alien being near a research facility in Antarctica. Seeing this as potentially one of the biggest discoveries of all mankind, they decide to take tissue samples. But what they find is a bit shocking… The tissue cells aren’t exactly dead. Nor is the alien itself. That’s bad enough. But then the truly horrifying revelation is found… This alien can replicate any cells with which it comes into contact. Poop.

Fan or not, this is just a genius premise. Put people in the literal most isolated place on this planet, with an incredibly malicious (and really really gross) beast that could be any one of them… That’s one of the worst situations I’ve ever heard of. I should say that the original Kurt Russell film is just a kick-ass 109 minutes. And it’s a John Carpenter flick to boot. But if you’re more into the “new movie” scene, this one is definitely worth the price of admission. The alien is unbelievably grotesque, thanks to some ridiculously good special effects. And there are plenty of scares to be had as well. There are, of course, some things that don’t exactly make sense. But for the most part it’s a very good time.

So get into your cloning devices, we’re going in for A Closer Look

Villain: An Alien found frozen in an Antarctic ice shelf that can replicate any human it comes in contact with.

How do I Stop It?: This is real difficult, because there is a very high probability that your closest friends are body-snatching aliens. So if you do encounter one of these things, start doing some serious research on your amigos, and don’t be afraid to light em up. Flamethrowers seem to work quite well.

Lessons Learned: Well first of all, whoever decided it was a good idea to bring flamethrowers to the arctic research base is a genius. Why the hell do they have these? Who cares. Great idea. Next thing, and this is probably the most important thing. If you ever “find” a gigantic beast of which you have no knowledge, you better make DAMN sure that thing is actually dead before you start messin around with tissue samples. Ya hurr?

Who to Watch With: Fellow non-aliens. Feel free to bring the parents, but not the little kids. There’s some really disturbing images in this that will certainly corrupt their innocent brains, and eventually turn them into alien spawning pods. Don’t ask me how I know.

Rating the Flick

Scare Factor: Spine-Chilling (7/10)

There were several spots in this movie at which I knew a scare was coming, and it still got me to jump. Of course, Antarctica alone scares the crap out of me, as anything below 45 degrees is too cold for my blood. But that’s beside the point. This isn’t the most terrifying movie I’ve seen, but it’s definitely Halloween-season appropriate. Solidly scary.

Villain: Perfect Score! (10/10)

There are few villains that come to mind that are even remotely as dangerous as this thing. If this alien were to ever reach even a lightly populated area, there’s no doubt in my mind humanity would end. Think about that next time you look at the stars. Oh, and in terms of actual appearance, this is hands down one of the sickest Things (+1 for pun; who’s keeping count?) I’ve seen on the silver screen. Brutally triumphant.

Gore Rating: Full Machete

As I said, the alien itself is just straight up nasty. And the scenes in the beginning where they’re operating on the “dead” alien are pretty disgusting. But don’t let that stop you. If you’ve got a weak stomach, just turn your head away for a second and you’ll be fine. Trust me, it’s worth it.

Overall Rating: In the spirit of Halloween, 3.5 Predator-O’Lanterns

This is a pretty solid remake. There are certainly parts that don’t make sense whatsoever. But I’m willing to accept them for the sake of a pretty scary horror movie. Kurt Russell’s shoes are big ones to fill, so I can’t be too harsh on this when comparing it to the original. But if you’re looking for a creepy flick, but don’t want to deal with the upcoming terror that is Paranormal Activity 3, this is definitely a very good alternative.

Well there you have it. I’m a little concerned that I haven’t even touched the list of movies I posted a few weeks ago, but don’t worry. We’ll get there. Perhaps not by Halloween, but we’ll get there. 🙂 So get ready for the Paranormal this weekend. I know I am.

One last thing.. I’d love to hear some reader feedback. Some readback(?) if you will. Anyone seen any scary movies this season worth mentioning? Or maybe even your plans for Halloween day. Feel free to comment below. And once again, if you haven’t Unleashed Hell, DO IT on the top right of this page. That way you’ll be up to date on the Unholiness.