In 2011 Morrissey issued a statement on the website True-To-You.net denying that he was behind a blog called Morrissey's World or that he was on Twitter. He later denied it again. And again. And again. I know a rat when I smell one and I smelt one, a BIG one, so I started to write this blog to record the offerings of the 'fake' Morrissey. What has happened since has been nothing short of phenomenal. The story continues...

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Thursday, 28 April 2016

Last Saturday, I woke up with Big Hard Excellent Fish's Imperfect List in my head - probably because the Hillsborough tragedy had been on the news the previous evening. Imperfect List has been used by Morrissey on a number of occasions as his pre-concert entrance piece; including at the Manchester Arena in 2004 which subsequently was released as the film, Who Put The M In Manchester, and has therefore been popular amongst Moz fans over the past 12 years.
Having cleaned my teeth, I decided to play the List.

There are many interesting and thought provoking items on the Imperfect List, but the one that jumped out at me on Saturday morning was, 'the sending off of Len Shackleton' - it features near the beginning, sandwiched between 'Neighbours' and 'lost keys'.

Being a football fan, I am aware of who Len Shackletonwas, but had no idea what the 'sending off' referred to. I presumed that Shackleton must have been sent off in a match which Josie Jones, the author of the List, thought unjust.... although as to why a scouser in 1989 would be disturbed by the sending off of a Sunderland footballer whose career ended in 1957, seemed rather odd to me.LEN SHACKLETON IN ACTION

I googled Len Shackleton and was unable to find any reference to a sending off, so I took to twitter and asked the other two artists involved with the writing of Imperfect List, Pete Wylie and Jake Walters (YES, that Jake Walters) if they could shed any light - unfortunately Josie died in March of last year, so as I am ouija board less, asking her was not an option.

WYLIE AND JONES IN THEIR WAH DAYS

Wylie didn't respond to my tweet, which is hardly surprising, as further research has resulted in discovering that Wylie had NO involvement with the drawing up the list, even though the Pete Wylie wiki page states that he compiled it! Jake however, DID reply:

"It's a bit of an in joke and a nod to an old friend of ours designer/artist Vaughn Oliver."

I asked Jake to elaborate, and he replied:

"The thing with in jokes is that often they're not funny (or interesting) to anyone else other than the people in on the joke."

I explained to Jake that the lack of humour didn't matter, and that I really wanted to know WHY the 'sending off', but thus far, I have had no further response.

WALTERS WITH MORRISSEY

I had never previously heard of Vaughan Oliver, but I have discovered that he is a well known designer, particularly famous for his record sleeve designs. What is more, Oliver is a Sunderland supporter, so it would make perfect sense that the Len Shackleton reference is indeed Oliver related, but WHAT IS the sending off about?VAUGHAN OLIVER

DAVID LYNCH RECORD SLEEVE BY VAUGHAN OLIVER

There is another oddity about 'the sending off of Len Shackleton', it is in mono on the recording - whereas ALL the other items on the list are in stereo. I wonder if that was part of the in joke too?

"I don't have a pint of vodka, let alone a thimble of orange juice, Boz. And even if I did - orange juice and gastritis hardly mix, do they?"

The seminal artiste flickers his eyebrows and rolls his eyes.

"I wasn't aware the FDA had approved neat gin as a gastritis remedy," utters Broken, flicking through his broadsheet newspaper. "I must have missed that memo."

"Why don't you have some of Boz's homemade wine, Mozzer?" asks Jonathan breezily.

"Boz Boorer's wine is about as palatable as his recent songwriting," groans Morrissey, closing his eyes. "Which is to say 'not very.' Both have that dreary predictability that comes with obese middle age; both lack complexity; both of them are liable to induce early morning vomiting on the faintest sniff."

"That's not vewy charitable!" insists Wossy.

"I have to say I didn't think Boz's wine was too bad at all," says Mikey Bracewell, sipping more tea.

"Not too bad! Oh I say, not too bad, kind sir! Like an ancient potion concocted from the blood of-"

"-Shut up Russell," Morrissey says with a terse glower.

"Perhaps you liked Boz's wine because it helps you forget how long it is since you had anything published," says Broken in an empathic voice. "Perhaps you have a drinking problem?"

Mikey Bracewell's face twitches slightly. After thirty seconds have elapsed he takes a sip of tea.

"I really don't think I..."

The men say nothing for three mintues and seven seconds while Boz prepares the gin in the kitchen. They watch the second hand tick round.

At last Boz enters with a large glass of gin on a silver tray. A capsule of omeprazole sits on top of the gin, slowly bubbling away as the enteric-coated lining dissolves.

"Ingenious," says Broken in his soft voice. "It reminds me of science experiment in school. We dropped a piece of potassium into powerful acid and..."

"BOOM!" laughs Russell, coarsely. "BOOM! I say... BOOM...!"

"Boom!" laughs Boz Boorer. "Boom!"

"BOOM BOZ..!" winks Russell, gesticulating wildly. Wossy laughs.

"BOOOOOOOOOM!" laughs Boz, louder now. Then he begins chuckling and slapping his thigh.

Solomon Walker - hitherto unseen lurking in the corner of the room dressed as a statue - stands to attention and looks very serious as he walks towards the iconic star, comforting him softly with his large, manly hands.

Solomon holds Boz's arm behind his back and leads him towards the utility room. He puts him in the garden, where he stands, staring at the grass, looking solemn.

"First my fans, and now my own session musicians..." sighs Morrissey. "The cruelty, the vitriol... will it never end?"

Wossy sniggers. Morrissey licks his lips.

"Barrett's oeseophagus is a very serious medical condition if not an outright disease. Mocking the afflicted is simply not on... besides, yet again Boz Boorer has demonstrated dereliction of duty. All I ask is for a pint of gin with slightly dissolved omprazole capsule on top..."

"Did he go and get it wrong again, Mo-ww-ee-say?" asks Wossy, looking glib. "Did he let it dissolve a bit too much again?"

"Absolutely... this is a very serious matter. We're talking life and death, or at least late night ulcer pain. I've told Boz clearly the enteric coating must be dissolved, but the medicine itself must not begin to leech out into the gin... I even bought him an egg timer to help him get it right. It takes seventy five seconds. But can Boz Boorer manage the simple task of timing it properly?"

Morrissey stares out of the window and looks glum.

"Lovely weather out there," says Broken, gazing at the floods of rain pouring down from the Cheshire sky. "At least give Boz a coat or something."

"A coat?" asks the artiste angrily. "Do I have an emotional coat to protect me from the spite my fans hurl at me during concerts?"

"But your fans adore you, Morr-ee-say! We love you like spurned children at the annual Christmas gathering... we love you like-"

Friday, 22 April 2016

In my last blog entry I mentioned that I had asked Morrissey if he had died. Although he replied that he had ("several years ago"), I am glad to report that he actually remains one of the few in the entertainment business who has remembered the art of breathing in 2016, whilst the others drop like flies.

On Wednesday we lost 'the female Morrissey', Victoria Wood; a woman who Moz once said that he would happily marry, and then yesterday the world lost 'the Prince of pop', er, Prince.

Morrissey issued a short but heartfelt message on TTY regarding Victoria Wood, followed a few hours later by a tweet from @BRSChairman saying, "The passing of time and all of its sickening crimes is making me sad again"

There has been no TTY statement regarding Prince*, but the Chairman took to Twitter just a few hours after the news broke to tweet, "Artists do not die". There was obviously a mutual respect between the two icons of popular music.

Victoria Wood was not only a friend of Morrissey's, but her brilliant song, 14 Again, was the influence for Rusholme Ruffians. Victoria famously interviewed Morrissey in 2013 about his love of tea, and even tweeted about it, but rather interestingly, VW - who only ever posted FIVE tweets - didn't post the tweet about Morrissey at the time of the interview, but TWO YEARS LATER! And even more interestingly, she (mischievously?) asked, "Is he on Twitter?' Could Victoria possibly have known about Morrissey's secret twitterings? Had he let her in?

"Having tea with Morrissey... Is he on Twitter? - @VictoriaWoodUK March 5th 2015

We certainly know from an interview Victoria gave in late 2013, that following the 'Tea interview', she both corresponded with Morrissey and met up with him on a number of occasions, so there is quite a possibility that he told her of MorrisseysWorld and the BRS, but unless Our Mozzer decides to tell us if this is true, I guess we'll never know.

A CUTTING FROM THE VICTORIA WOOD INTERVIEW FROM NOV 2013... WITH A MENTION OF MORRISSEY HAVING A PERSONA - CUTTING COURTESY OF GWO

I shall sign off today with Morrissey singing Speedway at Terminal 5 in New York in 2012, where in the pause, he recites a section of..... the Victoria Wood song, Northerners.

"Morrissey and I have been married for 11 months, though due to touring commitments, we have yet to meet" - Victoria Wood 1985

MORRISSEY BEING CHAPERONED THROUGH LAX BY THE 2008 X FACTOR WINNER, ALEXANDRA BURKE, WHO IS NOW EMPLOYED BY THE AIRPORT... AT LEAST SHE HAS EMPLOYMENT, MANY OF THEM DON'T!

I have no idea what time Morrissey was travelling across the world, but the perceived Moz pessoa, Not Astra's Derrière (@SoStarkSoHaunt - aka Not Bot) was busy tweeting on both Thursday evening in the UK, and then late Thursday night in LA, so it is quite plausible that Morrissey left the UK (if he was even in the UK) either late Thursday night or early Friday morning.
Many of Not Bot's tweets were in conversation with a new tweeter called @angelofdisdain, who is quite possibly yet another pessoa. Angel of D arrived over a week ago, and was greeted by Not Bot tweeting, "About time we had a little more va-va-va-VOOM around here. Hello, Rose. Your décolletage is just the right colour of OUI".

As I type this, Angel of Disdain (Rose???) has disappeared, so I am unable to report the full conversations between her and Not Bot, but here are some of Not Bot's tweets from recent days:

THURSDAY 10.15 TO 10.20PM (UK TIME)

"A little bit of anything is the fastest road to everything""@angelofdisdain Even in our final hour we always be, the two derrières without compare""Staggering skyrocketing head titled back will you ever catch me? The moon searched, but I was always here""Capricious in shadows, apricot nectar, time sighs, purity in every glance"
(Could mention of "in our final hour" and "skyrocketing head titled back" be references to flying?)

MORRISSEY TRAVELLING BA CATTLE CLASS

THURSDAY 11.10PM (LA TIME)"I can resist everything except temptation. I can tempt anything except those who stick to their own resistance. Tempt me now. Tempt me something. Resist me, why? Tempt me never""Slinking in. Slinking out""Cat's eyes on me Existing nowhere. Backlit. Arching. Your ELIXER"
Of course, Not Astra's Derrière might not be a pessoa of Morrissey's at all - who knows? But one pessoa that is Morrissey, is @BRSChairman aka Our Mozzer, who made a return to The Wrong Arms at 7.17am (LA time) yesterday. Here are the tweets:

"I belong to a generation you only belong to in spirit"
I replied, "In spirit? You haven't died, have you?'. OM responded a couple of hours later tweeting, "Several years ago. Were you not paying attention? I just cannot acquire the staff these days". Frank (@EnoughSari) then joined in to say, "I volunteer. No salary needed", to which Our Mozzer replied, "No salary was offered. I am not a charity".MORRISSEY - WHO DIED IN 1986 - "NOT A CHARITY"

OM's only other tweet of yesterday was, "My lyrics used to be esoteric. Now they are universal. What changed? Life amigos. Just life."

MORRISSEY IN THE DAYS WHEN HIS LYRICS WERE ESOTERIC... BUT HAS THE WORLD CHANGED, OR HAS HE CHANGED?
In other news, I have only just discovered that an Official UK Vinyl Singles Chartstarted in April of last year. I cannot believe that I had missed this 'happening', and I am now debating with myself as to whether to continue my collection of Number 1 singles by buying the Number 1 vinyl single each week as opposed to the plain old Number 1 single; which these days doesn't exist in physical form, and therefore CANNOT be collected.

The past year has seen Number 1s achieved in the Official Vinyl Singles Chart by the likes of: Noel Gallagher, Paul Weller and Robert Smith with new releases, whilst David Bowie, Queen, Bob Dylan and the Rolling Stones have all hit the top spot with re-issues. Johnny Marr has had two Number 3s, with I Feel You (released for Record Store Day (RSD) 2015) and Candidate, but the closest either Morrissey or Marr have come to scoring their first 'Official' UK Number 1, is with Jeff Buckley's version of The Boy With The Thorn In His Side, which currently sits at Number 2; although it is very unlikely to reach Number 1 as it was RSD 2016 last Saturday, so I would imagine that Bowie's reissue of TVC15 will enter at Number 1 on Friday. Perhaps the re-release of Jack The Ripper will see Morrissey record his first ever Number 1, we shall have to wait and see.

And finally Esther, and finally Cyril, it would appear that the shooting of the film Steven is underway, as the screenplay writer, William Thacker (@ThrillWhacker), this morning tweeted, "Over the moors" and posted a photo of a rickety old barn and a leafless tree.

OVER THE MOORS - PHOTO BY WILLIAM THACKER

I tweeted William to ask how he could possibly know what a young M was like, to which he replied, "Time will tell!"

Tuesday, 12 April 2016

Since the publishing of the TTY article on Saturday; which featured two old pictures of Morrissey on what looked distinctly like an HMV record cover, debate has raged among the BRS... actually 'raged' may be slightly over the top... and I guess it has hardly been a debate as such... hmm... let me try again. Since the publishing of the TTY article blah blah blah, conversations have taken place between members of the BRS; namely GWO, Chucky Orange and me, regarding the meaning of the wording on the two photos:
The words on the first photo, "the thoughts of jack the ripper" are fairly straight forward, as it is a reference to the very first song that Morrissey and Boz wrote together, Jack the Ripper.... I wonder if The Thoughts of Jack the Ripper was the original working title? It was certainly how Morrissey introduced the song at the two concerts at the Royal Albert Hall in 2002 (I attended the second night, and was sat behind David Baddiel).

The words from Speedway are also fairly straight forward, but what has had us puzzled, are the words, "as we return to wherever we feel certain we'll end up". Is it a new lyric? Is it an old Moz quote? A Google search has returned nothing, and so we thought we had reached a dead end, but at 12.21 this morning, the Twitter user FatAuntMabel tweeted, "When it comes to life, we spin our own yarn, and where we end up is really, in fact, where we always intended to be."

It's not exactly the same quote as the one on TTY, but it could well be an inspiration for it. And here is the interesting bit, a Google search has revealed that Mabel's words are a quote from the Julia Glass novel of 2002, Three Junes. Could it be that Morrissey is telling us that the release of the single is, as Alfs Button used to say, "June, June, June"? Probably not, especially as the quote from Three Junes is NOT the quote on TTY, but you never know. I had actually presumed that the JTR single would be released this Saturday for Record Store Day, but who knows?

I have no idea who FatAuntMabel is, but would guess that it is either one of the BRS members, a Morrissey pessoa, or maybe Kevin Mar(r)inane.... although I can't imagine Marrinan has read Three Junes! The Mabel account has been in existence since January 2014, but the Three Junes quote is its very first tweet. Mabel's profile picture is that of the actor Anthony Franciosa from the film Senilita, which Morrissey used in 2011.

FAT AUNT FRANCIOSA

In other news, I have this week exchanged tweets with Radio 2's Jeremy Vine, after he gave an interview to pint-sized Moz fan and author, Julie Pigsick. In the interview, Vine stated that his first and only Smiths concert was in Newcastle in the winter of 1983, with Vine telling Julie, "I remember it vividly because the very first song - 'What Difference Does It Make?'". I tweeted to Vine because the Smiths only concert in Newcastle in the winter of '83/'84, was in March, where they opened with Hand in Glove. I suggested to Jezza that perhaps he had dreamt the concert, and told him that it was more than likely that he had in fact attended the March concert, but he replied, "they definitely started with 'What difference does it make?'" - the passing of time can play hideous tricks on the brain.

And finally, it has been announced that the beautiful Jessica Brown Findlay (of Downton Abbey fame) is to play the part of Linder Sterling in the upcoming film, Steven. A perfect choice. I still don't know HOW the writer, William Thacker can possibly KNOW the thoughts of a delinquent Morrissey, so am still sceptical about the film, but am looking forward to it none the less.

LINDER BROWN FINDLAY STERLING

And finally, finally, yesterday a found a photo on Twitter of a cloud that looked like Morrissey, so I tweeted it. This afternoon, TTY has posted the picture. Hmm.

Morrissey's whispered live dates for the Far East have been pushed back until such a time when there is a new Morrissey recording."... by which time the common pigeon will no doubt be facing global extinction..." Morrissey has said.
The article also includes a couple of old Moz photos from the 90s
So, WHAT exactly does it mean?
The words, "pushed back" would seem to suggest that this is just a temporary postponement and not a complete cancellation, and yet the reference to the extinction of the common pigeon; of which there are currently around 17-28 million in Europe alone, would suggest that the Far East dates ain't coming any time soon.

A COMMON PIGEON.... ALTHOUGH I'M NOT SURE HE'LL APPRECIATE BEING CALLED COMMON

It is interesting that the TTY statement reads, "a new Morrissey recording" rather than "a new recording contract" or "a new album", which has already been interpreted by some to mean that the "new Morrissey recording" could in fact be a reference to the audio version of List of the Lost, which is due for release on June 30th.

The Morrissey quote at the end of the TTY statement might noteven be related to the first paragraph about the Far East tour at all, and could either be an excerpt from a new Morrissey interview, or may just be a random sentence that, "Morrissey has said"... possibly even to himself! To write, "Morrissey has said" is in itself a rather bizarre thing to write, but moving on from that, what about the mention of the pigeon? Coincidentally; and I do really believe it is a coincidence.... I think, I posted a number of songs on Twitter yesterday by Pidgeon, the band formed in the late 60s by Jobriath.

Lastly on the subject of the TTY statement, what relevance are those old 1990s photos, and WHY is HMV written on them? Could it possibly mean that we are to see a re-release of Jack the Ripper on vinyl and CD? And could a live version of Speedway be on the b side? It would be a nice way to mark 25 years of Moz and Boz. You read it here first ; )

A tour could be coming sooner than than those pigeons think, but in the mean time.... the English cricket season begins today - HURRAH!

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

It has now been two weeks since I last wrote a blog entry, because bugger all has been going on in either the world of Morrissey or MorrisseysWorld. The world's number 1 Morrissey Internet pub, TheWrong Arms, has also been exceptionally quiet, although MerryAnne has now returned to the fold. There is still no sign of the other one who went off in a "different direction" with her, so one must presume that she is totally lost! No doubt she will return at some stage, or not... some do, some don't!

The reason that I am writing this entry today is because yesterday, Our Mozzer made a very brief return to The Arms to post a tweet in response to the new 'official' Twitter account that appeared, under the name of, wait for it..... '@Smiths_Official'. Our Mozzer simply tweeted, "Joyce, is that you?".

THE JOYCE GOAT

Within 24 hours of the 'official' (it has the white tick in a blue cloud) Smiths account appearing, over 16,000 sheep are following it, even though A) the Smiths broke up nearly thirty years ago B) It clearly states that the account is managed by Warner Music UK C) There had been no tweets from the account. There is NO D).

The arrival of this 'official' account sent Solow into meltdown, with the completely retarded Uncle Skinny claiming that a Smiths reunion was, "the logical conclusion and the only thing that can happen". WHAT is WRONG with people? HOW can the world be full of such complete and utter morons? How can a Smiths reunion possibly be the ONLY thing that can happen in Morrissey's career?.... mind you, I have written about the Solowers' logic before on Day 508.MORRISSEY IN HIS FUCK MORRISSEY-SOLO.COM T-SHIRT

At 9.46 am this morning, the 'official' Smiths account tweeted, "Please note this account is purely to celebrate the history and the music of The Smiths".... well there's a surprise!

"A Smiths/Morrissey Google alerts/Twitter account has been opened by Warner UK. Morrissey would like to stress that this account has not been sanctioned by him and has no connection to him. Follow it at your peril."

In other Moz news, another TTY piece was posted two days ago, which was a quote from Bill Oddie on how he finds Ponce William hypocritical. The TTY piece is humorously entitled, "Bill Oddie, who hates Morrissey, comments on William The Terrible's endorsement of trophy hunting". As titles go, it's one of my favourites. I had completely forgotten about Oddie laying into Morrissey during the 2006 campaign to find Britain's Greatest Living Icon; which incidentally Morrissey came 2nd in, behind Oddie's man, David Attenborough. Oddie himself is of course a hypocrite for accepting an OBE, and is also a bit of a twat. Rather interestingly - to me at any rate - David Bowie is the first of those Top 10 Greatest Living Icons to die, which in 10 years I find surprising!BILL ODDITY OBE - NOT AN ICON