The Sexual Manifesto: Getting Anal About Anal

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So you’ve decided to have butt sex. One of the biggest concerns for anal noobs (besides “will it hurt?”) is cleanliness. As in, “are you sure I’m not going to shit all over my bed/partner?”

First things first: normally, your butt is not filled with gobs and gobs of poo. Unless you enjoy sitting around with a load waiting to drop, the term “fudgepacking” does not apply in this scenario. But when it comes to the butt, some people want that assurance that sex won’t get too messy.

When you’re preparing for anal, the first thing you need to do is clear the way. Translation: take a dump. This is not the time to have sphincter shutdown and get scared because you’ve never pooped at your SO’s place before. Trust me, you’ll want to poop now rather than later.

For some people, that’s all they need to do to prep their buttholes. Sometimes, though, you still have little flecks left over or the condom comes out with a brown smear or two. The next step of clean, if you’re so inclined, is a shower before you start getting frisky. Clean your anus with a finger and some soap to get that sparkling fresh sensation. If you’ve still got an errant turd up there, this can also trigger a bowel movement. It’s a good way to double check and ensure you won’t have that OMG-stop-right-now-and-take-it-out-I’m-gonna-poop feeling during penetration.

For those especially anal about anal, there are enemas. You’ll have to get over your embarrassment and pick one up at the local drugstore (or just order one online – NSFW). By no means are enemas necessary to enjoying anal sex. Do not think you have to enema, but it can put the receptive partner at ease knowing that the butt is completely clean.

The consensus on enemas is that there is none. Some people find them unnecessary. Some won’t fuck without one. Some enjoy the preparation and the process on par with the actual sex.

Some things to note about enemas: give yourself some time and don’t do it too much. The disposable enema kits in the stores come with a solution that may dry you out or may be too harsh on your innards. Plain water works just as well. Either way, you don’t want to enema everyday: one, you’re washing away the rectum’s protective coatings, and two, you don’t want to become dependent on enemas to stimulate your bowels.

When you do clear out your system, plan ahead. You’re squirting water into your body, and once it’s done working its way up, it’s going to come down and out. This process can take some time, and it’s not something you want to test out 15 minutes before you stick a cock in your ass. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. A few hours beforehand is a nice window that allows you to ensure all water has made its way out.

Let’s just remind ourselves, kiddos, that this is still the poopchute we’re talking about. Ideally, you’re with a partner you trust and feel comfortable with. The possibility for poop or smelly situations is always there, but it doesn’t have to be a point of shame. Your body is doing what it’s supposed to be doing, and if your partner can’t get over that then maybe they’re the one being anal-retentive. Lay down a towel, stock up on lube and barriers, and go to town on that dirty (clean) ass of yours.