There’s a lot going on here, says our elder. Is this what you want for the long haul?

Dear EWC

I have been dating my husband for three years and everything has always been completely fine. About four months ago, we got engaged. Three months ago we found out we were going to have a baby and were so excited about it. I had complications during my pregnancy and I lost my baby. I was hospitalized for about a week and during that week I found out my husband (he was my boyfriend then), had cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend before we started living together. I was really heartbroken and on top of that, I also felt depressed because I had lost my baby. I cried so much but I decided to forgive him because he’s a good person and until this point had treated me really well. When I got out of the hospital, I had to be in bed for another week so I wouldn’t get a hemorrhage. My boyfriend would go to work every day but felt bad about the baby and because it hurt him to see me cry because he cheated. He got depressed and had to visit a doctor; he quit his job because he felt horrible and couldn’t even work okay like that. I wanted to visit him so bad and just hug him and tell him it was okay, but I couldn’t because I had to be in bed. I felt so helpless. When I was able to get out of bed, we decided to take a three-day vacation to the beach so that we could clear our minds and be okay with each other. Everything went well until we came back home. I was still really hurt and I love him a lot, I wanted to marry him but I was so scared to do it. I was afraid he would cheat on me again.

We got married and I was so happy. About three days ago, I saw his messages with his brother talking about how horrible I was and that I didn’t care about him when he was feeling depressed. They called me crazy and said I didn’t value him or anything he did for me. They talked so bad about me and my husband didn’t defend me once… in fact, he agreed. This really hurt me because I have always treated him so well. I let him go out with his friends, I never checked his phone, I trusted him so much. Every day I tell him how much I love him and I love to show him off to my friends and family. I don’t understand why he would express himself so bad about me. I don’t know what to do. I’m really hurt because of my baby, him cheating on me, and how he talks about me. I don’t know what to do anymore and I feel like I’m gonna go crazy if I don’t talk to someone about it. I cry every day and my appetite goes away. I just want to be okay. I love him so much and I don’t want our relationship to end, but I also don’t want to be crying all the time or feeling this way. I just want to be okay. I feel really insecure about myself since I found out and I feel like whatever I do isn’t ever enough for him to be happy. I don’t know what to do anymore.

NanaPopo replies

You have several serious issues here. First, let’s address the miscarriage. Losing a baby is awful. There’s no way around it. But it does help to realize others have gone through the same thing. Here are two sites that might help you: https://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-loss/miscarriage-surviving-emotionally/, and https://www.whattoexpect.com/pregnancy/after-miscarriage/. The second one you have to scroll down a bit to get to the ‘after a miscarriage’ part. This is not something you get over right away. I would urge you to talk to your family and/or friends about this. You may find some of them have gone through the same thing and it helps to talk to others.

The second point is your husband’s infidelity and lack of support for you to his family. Have you tried talking to him about this? I don’t know how you saw his messages, but you can still bring up communication between the two of you. Try to stick with how you are feeling.

“[Husband’s name], I feel so happy being married to you, but I’m not sure you feel the same.” Then see what he says.

Another option is marriage counseling if he will go. And if he will not go, then go by yourself. A loving person does not cheat on his girlfriend while she’s in the hospital. A loving husband shuts down his family when talk bad about his wife.

You may love him, but what about loving yourself. If you hear enough bad things about yourself, you will begin to believe them. Is that what you want? Is that who you are? Is this the kind of marriage you want to be in for the long haul?

You need to think carefully about these questions. If you were to have a child with this man, would the child then hear his family talking bad about you all the time? Would he cheat on you again? Where do you draw the line?

Love is when someone shows they care about you and puts you first, as you’ve done with him. Love is when you enjoy being together and you support one another. Love is the confidence of knowing you can trust the other person to always be there for you.

Think about your life in the long term. How do you want it to be and look and feel? I wish you luck.