Archive for August 2011

I finally figured out why I’ve been getting violently ill and ralphing every time I drink. Turns out, the medication I’m on isn’t supposed to be mixed with alcohol. It was like Sophie’s choice deciding which one I needed more, but I went with giving up the booze. Check out my adult decisions!

I didn’t work out Thursday night and came straight home and tried some vegan eggs in my freezer. If you like eating vomit, these “eggs” are for you! I hate to waste food, so I just drowned them in Franks, plugged my nose, and tried to eat it in as few bites as possible. Naturally, I was still hungry, so I ate an entire bag of salt and vinegar chips and chocolate coconut milk ice cream. I went to bed feeling like a total piece of shit and I got up the next morning to discover chocolate stains all over my dingy t-shirt… I’m still available, gentlemen!

I spent the weekend with my three older brothers and their significant others. I should explain that I come from a long line of binge eaters so it was inevitable that I would be eating copious amounts of food all weekend. I decided to go lax on my vegan diet which resulted in me eating more cheese in two days than the entire state of Wisconsin does in a year. We also polished off a 3 gallon tub of potato salad in a day and half and I tried lobster for the first time. I don’t really get what all the fuss is about, didn’t really lift my skirt.

Sunday morning we went out to our favorite breakfast place and it was serious internal struggle deciding between a bagel or pancake as a side to my Bruschetta salad. I ultimately decided on the bagel, but was eye fucking the shit out of my sister-in-law’s strawberry chocolate chip pancake the whole meal. When she asked me if I wanted the rest, I pounced on that thing like a lion on a gazelle.

I felt pretty disgusting Sunday night when I got home but that didn’t stop me from eating the box of cheez-its that my friend left at my place. It was a little embarrassing to return a half-empty box to him the next day that had been unopened when he left it.

My brother’s girlfriend turned me onto “juicing” while I was down there. No, I’m not a roiding out like Ronnie, just drinking fresh juice for two meals a day. I went out and bought a $90 juicer because I got all excited and am the most impulsive person I know. Turns out, replacing solid meals with liquid isn’t very fun unless it’s a milkshake. I lasted about 2 days and then went back to solids… like a normal human.

I’ve developed a rather expensive exercise habit of pilates on the reformer. It’s $25 a class and AWESOME. I’d like to think I’m replacing the $50 I spend on alcohol and take out a weekend with 2 classes a week. It looks like a torture device but it’s the tits:

I wore shorts to my first session which ended up being a mistake when my legs were spread eagle and the instructor was trying to stretch me. Whatever, she liked what she saw.

I also went to a spin class on Wednesday and felt like I was in some European dance club. The music. was. awful. The instructor kept talking about the finish line and tailwinds and making the lamest jokes. All the older people in the class thought he was hilarious… I just wanted to kick his spandex encased balls. I left the class feeling 10 pounds lighter and grumpy as hell from hunger.

I got on and noticed a hugely obese woman eating a banana with no hands (think of a dolphin eating a fish). She then pulled out 2 bags of chips and smashed the bags up into crumbs and proceeded to dip her hand into the bags and then suck her fingers… Like some sort of “Fatty Fun Dip”. She washed it all down with a two liter bottle of cherry coke. The finale came when she pulled a napkin out of the bag, wiped her pits, smelled it, then put it back in the bag. I almost blew chunks on the old lady sitting next to me. I need to buy a car.

I spent my Friday night like most single girls in their twenties would: Alone, watching Dateline and eating an entire bag of lettuce.

Saturday, my friend came over to my place before we went out. She insisted I change out of my “Celeste uniform” (Jeans, tank top, and TOMS) and into something girlier. Had I known we’d end up at Portland’s biggest meat market, I would have worn a tube top and a banana hammock.

We started off at one of my favorite bars, Henry’s, where I drank umpteen vodka sodas. Don’t worry, I softened the drunk blow by eating a veggie burger and side salad. I finally got buzzed enough to agree to go to Dixie, Portland’s premier night club… You can already tell where my night started to go wrong.

We showed up there and I immediately felt under-dressed and over-aged. The 18 year-old bar tenders dancing on the bar in daisy dukes and cut off tops didn’t help either. I still managed to have a decent amount of fun and danced like the white girl with no rhythm I was born to be.

Sunday morning did not greet me well. I hung out on my couch and waited for the vegan place to open up at noon. I actually called at 11:30 to place my order, and then waited at their door until they opened like a hobo in line for the soup kitchen. Based on my order (curry, wanton soup, spring rolls, and carrot cake), I’m sure he was expecting a small family to show up. I got home, put on my elastic waist-band, and destroyed it:

If you’re curious, that’s some 1980 Diane Keaton movie in the background. That was after I watched my entire Disney DVD collection. Clearly, it was a super productive day.

I had a Doctor’s appointment on Tuesday, so I went and got pizza afterward at Pizzicato. They have this amazing vegan pizza so I ate outside and, unsurprisingly, polished off the entire thing. I was still hungry after I got back from the gym, so I ate half a tub of hummus just with a spoon…

Last night was definitely my low point in the week. I skipped the gym and ate a HUGE serving of pad thai with a side of salad rolls. But oh no, that wasn’t enough to quiet the beast, so I warmed up a frozen vegan pizza I had in my freezer and ate that too. I woke up incredibly dehydrated from all the sodium… I chugged some water and avoided the mirror.

I took this picture on Saturday morning after my run, when I still thought I could make something out of the weekend:

This blog is up to almost 1,000 views a month! I’d like to thank all the unemployed shut-ins that read this. Also, shout out to all my readers outside the US! This blog is a pretty accurate depiction of what’s wrong with our country…

I walked into work and “The Today Show” was on in the lobby. It was talking about a study that showed 48% of men would dump their girlfriend if she got fat. Really guys? You think 48% of women like when you get a spare tire, start balding, and scratch your balls while watching “Sportscenter”? No, but we put up with it and learn to focus on your other good qualities… like fixing things around the house and lifting heavy furniture.

A vegan restaurant opened up across the street from my apartment and, seeing how it’s usually crickets chirping when I walk in there, I’ve already become one of their best costumers. On Tuesday, I went in there and ordered my usual (the curry (extra spicy)) and was feeling especially hungry. Since I had burned about 500 calories at the gym, I thought I’d spring for the spring rolls (see what I did there?). I should mention that these servings are meant to be shared, so the fact that I polished off the entire bowl of curry, rice, and the spring rolls, left the small Asian man that runs the place totally shocked. He kept coming by to fill up my water and saying “big eater,” to which I politely giggled and shoveled more curry into my face.

I went to The Oregon Food and Wine Festival this weekend with a group of friends. The 5 bottles of champagne we drank before proved to be a horrible idea… at least for me. I got there and was irritated at how long the lines were. I solved that problem by drinking as many samples as possible when I finally got to the front a line. The evening ended with me calling myself a cab and waking up face down on my couch the next morning. Both my ankles were swollen because I thought it would really complete my ensemble to wear heels. Instead, I just looked like a complete disaster when I rolled my ankles every few feet trying to walk around the festival. I had also sported fake eyelashes to this thing, so my eyes were glued shut when I woke up and the lashes wound up in the middle of my forehead. Obviously, Sunday was a rough one:

Monday was a total binge shit show. We had a potluck for a friend’s birthday and I went nuts. None of it was vegan but that didn’t stop hurricane Celeste from eating her weight in stuffed jalapenos and cookies. Shit, I even ate Nacho Cheese Doritos… My orange fingers really put my shame on display. I capped off my Monday the only way that made sense: skipping the gym, ordering pizza, and then eating chips.

Crazy Max story of the week: A homeless woman that reeked of BO and urine sat next to me. Upon closer inspection, I realized she was also covered in ants.

I’m happy to report that Softball season is now over. We snagged a second place trophy in the G League, which is the lowest league. We weren’t even the best of the worst. I think it’s safe to say I contributed nothing to that team and successfully finished with the worst batting average on the team. If I could pick one picture to sum up the experience, it would be this one:

I’ve acquired a new nickname thanks to my friend. I’m now referred to as “The Blueberry Gremlin”. He walked into my apartment and saw me sitting on my balcony shoving blueberries into my face at mach speed. Having the shitty sense of humor he does, he then started calling me “Gizmo” and claiming you can’t give me blueberries after midnight or I’ll turn into a gremlin. Those of you that are too young to understand the reference to the movie “Gremlins”, jokes on you, I can legally drink and buy tobacco products.

That same friend also caught me squeezing mustard directly into my mouth. This should come as no surprise to my best friend Chelsea, as she once caught me shotgunning mustard packets in the basement of the library during finals week Junior year of college.

You won’t be shocked to know that I ended “Dry July” a day early. I did it the classiest way I know how: cans of Modelo and a boat ride. The last thing I remember is putting more hummus on a piece of pita bread than it can physically hold and aiming for my mouth…

I spent Sunday morning on an air mattress in my living room watching “Ancient Aliens” wondering where my night, and maybe my life, went wrong.