Well, March has certainly been interesting. Polar vortexes/vortices continue to dump snow on the East Coast, Stanford took Kansas, and I walked out on my job.

Record scratch.

What?

Yep. After a half-hour conversation with a customer about the color of her shoes (“Which do you like better, the warmer brown or the cooler brown?”) I left a note on my manager’s desk. It read, “To whom it may concern: I resign, effective immediately. Thank you for your time and consideration, Lily A.”

I couldn’t take it. I was grossed out with myself and the system I was working within because I WAS MAKING IT ALL UP. I don’t have one clue what the difference is between a “warmer” and a “cooler” brown. I was also having a much more legitimate meta-conversation with myself. Is this worth my professional energy? What will you do instead to support yourself? Are you in a position to make healthy decisions right now? I’m not sure I effectively answered those questions, but I did write that resignation note.

After, I collected my agenda and my cell phone from my department’s shelf, deposited the keys on the same, and left through the employee exit of the department store. I’d like to say that I did all of this calmly, decisively, and feeling a great sense of satisfaction. But none of that is true. As I rode the escalator down, I was dreading running into my manager. My heart felt like it was going to explode from my chest, and it was hard to breathe. I was sweating, and once I got to my car, I burst into tears for ten minutes until I stopped myself matter-of-factly and said, “You’re having an anxiety attack.” Then I resumed crying, scared because I was so anxious.

So I’m taking some time in March to describe my madness. Pulling away from my original Internally Sourced Beauty beauty blog (to resume in April), I thought it would be important to talk share my story – the moment when I cut away my safety net and started to re-imagine what stability means for me.

I’m not sure what’s next. The weird thing is, this is also the most hopeful that I’ve felt. My plan was supposed to go like this: Work at the department store while looking/interviewing for a career that matches my degree and experience, give my two weeks notice, and begin the new job. How it really played out was this: Work really strange hours with tons of overtime at the department store, be consistently too tired to even eat, and start to unravel mentally, spiritually, physically and, as a result, emotionally. Because this has been the experience so far, separating myself from that lifestyle makes me feel like there’s nowhere to go but onwards and upwards.

No guarantees that’s what’ll happen. I have an interview with a staffing agency tomorrow. I have enough savings to last for two months if I am careful. I have a pretty weak plan with no sure-bet safety net.

I have prayer. I have hope.

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2 Responses to Swish.

Lilly – your post carried me along with you on this small slice of your life, a window into a moment in time, but a moment that will impact you for years to come. A pivotal point in your journey toward hope and something more. And having only just met you through this blog I’ll be sure to pray for you as well. And I’m sure you have family and friends that you can lean on and that will be praying for you too!

So to that end – congrats on stepping out into something new. Scary… yep it is, but in the end rewarding as well I’m sure. As you move toward hope we’ll be looking forward to hear what you find and what God has in store!

Joel, thank you for that! I just heard from someone dear the following: if you don’t like where you’re going, quit doing the same old things. It sounds deceptively simple. But really, how often did I think, “well, at least it’s a steady paycheck?” That thinking takes me to a place I really don’t want to go. Why would I do anything that reluctantly begins with “at least”?!
An update – things have been rocky, no doubt about it. Being without a steady job has put a huge strain on me financially, as well as mentally (staying at home and playing house is not my forté, and there are only so many hours a day one can dedicate to the job search). But there have been interviews and temp jobs, a move to downtown DC, and lots of time for reflection and growth. Walking out is still not a decision I’m happy with, but I made it. And that’s what it is.
And, you were right. My entire family was really supportive and most friends were like, “Yeah, why were you working there anyway?” So long story short – hope was exactly the right thing to feel 🙂

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