This year the
event was based at Colton, near Rugeley in Staffordshire. It was hosted by the
Stafford Morris Men and the feast and accommodation was at Colton Village Hall.
Stafford have four members of the the Illustrious Order, Jack Brown, (the
Stafford Fool); Max Haynes, (Junior Fool); Knotty, ( the Stafford Tourney Horse)
with his rider, John Edwards, and John Colbert, (the Woodside Fool), who was
abducted by Stafford and was their Squire during this event.

Friday evening
was the usual informal gathering for supper followed by a song session for some
of the party in the nearby Greyhound Pub. The performances were much appreciated
by the locals.

Throughout the
weekend the food was excellent and under the personal supervision of Jack Brown
and his family who did sterling work, especially for the feast.

Saturday was a
bus tour with the first dancing spot in Abbots Bromley, where we took the
opportunity to visit the church, where the horns and the old Hobby Horse for the
famous Horn Dance are kept.

(to
be continued)

Fools and Beasts Unconvention, Cromford, October 2005

by
Robert Chisman, Fools Convener

I now know why I recently purchased the biggest
people carrier on the market - a Chrysler Grand Voyager. No, not for
transporting the wife, kids and dogs; not for clearing out lofts for the tip;
it's for taking two fools, two animal keepers, one Rat, one Horse, camp beds,
sleeping bags, kits, one barrel of cider and two barrels of beer to the
Unconvention at Cromford! We nearly raided the beer for comfort drinking whilst
stuck for two and a half hours in the largest car park in the country - the M42.
By the time we got to Cromford, most of the delegates had arrived, had their
supper of excellent chili con carne, and disappeared down The Boat!

The first surprise at the venue was REAL beds and
LINEN! We didn’t need those sleeping bags and camp beds - would’ve made more
room for the beer. I then looked for the swimming pool - only to be reminded
that it was the Cromford Venture centre, NOT the Leisure centre!! In
fact, the centre is a converted old mill, and was more akin to a Youth Hostel
than the usual school hall or whatever where most Morris Weekends are held. Very
comfy, thanks.

It was time to greet old friends and make new.
The Unconvention has been extended to members from all three Morris
organisations for two years now, and I was pleased to welcome some ladies to the
Unconvention for the first time. Delegates had traveled from far and wide to
Cromford this year - from the Netherlands I reacquainted myself with
Maarten
Niesson and
Henning Koeford, but from farther afield were
Alexander Leightonand
StuartAshton
from Banchory Morris
Men in Aberdeen! I think I managed to speak to everybody, and knew that I
had had a drop or two by the time I got back to the Centre for a spot of kip!

Saturday morning, and after breakfast and a short
briefing, we prepared to go en masse via public transport to Matlock Bath for
some dancing, fooling and beasting. It was decided that some beasts would not
fit on a Trent bus, so were taken along using my Grand Voyager, a Land Rover and
a VW camper van. After one attempt to catch the wrong bus, the bemused driver of
the right bus was treated to a colourful, motley collection of characters
boarding his bus for the short journey to Matlock Bath station, where we all
reassembled and got ready to ascend the cable car to the Heights of Abraham.

Emerging from the VW camper van, was the biggest
beast that I have seen at an Unconvention - Geoff Turnbull (Wyvern Jubilee) with The Wyvern, a huge, green and red scaly monster with big ears,
mouth and tail. Geoff insists that it is not a dragon, but is a creature in it’s
own right. Now I could look and see everyone in kit; from the feminine charms
complete with fluffy tickling stick of Jenny Howard’s fool,
(Bedfordshire Lace Morris), to the not so feminine charms of Brian
Swain’s Molly (Bishop Gandulf’s Morris) dressed more like an old
washerwoman!

Walking from the station to the cable car proved
difficult not only for some of the taller beasts, for example myself in
Trigger, and Doug Herdson (Plymouth Morris) in Bilge the
ship’s rat because of the overhanging foliage, but Stafford Morris’ young
Max Haynes was beaten in speed by his grandfather, Jack Brown,
because Max had just had an ingrowing toenail removed, and was on crutches!

The ride up the cable car to the Heights of
Abraham was a bit scary for some, but at the top, we got together with Ripley
Morris, our hosts for the weekend. The weather was just about holding, and
we were able to interact with what few tourists had braved their way to the top!

Apart from Ripley’s excellent dancing, we enjoyed
jigs from Verna Wass (Bloxham) and Simon Pipe (Adderbury and Outside
Capering Crew). There was plenty of room for the tourney horses such as John Edwards's Knotty (Stafford MM); from Ashley’s Rise Junior Morris,
Bristol was John Clifford, with Dennis who in one previous life
was in the English National Opera (who says we can’t have culture at Morris
events?) and all the way from Banchory MM, Aberdeen, Stuart Ashton
with a horse without a name. I persuaded him to name it during the weekend, but
have forgotten what it was now!

The Fools were also
busy accosting the public. Like bad pennies, they always seem to turn up, and it
was great to see old friends such as Thomas the Tank Engine, sorry, I mean
Julian Kohler
(Plymouth MM),
plus
Tim Sercombe
(Dartington)
and
Roger Comley
(Letchworth).

Back down the cable
car, we then moved on to the Fishponds pub for more performances and lunch.
Highlights outside the pub were the three girl and one hobby horse jig by the
junior side, Ashley's Rise Morris.

Lunch was
unfortunately a rather slow affair, but enjoyable for all that. Most delegates
then made their way to Cromford back via the train this time, and we assembled
at Arkwright's Mill where there was a good size area to dance. To help Ripley MM
out, a series of multiple jigs and dances were performed by the fools and
beasts. We also saw for the first time the magnificent Fine Lady of Banbury
(Steven Wass)
on Blanche. I'm not sure what the Leicester Fox
thought about all these horses...he seemed very elusive at times. Other
beasts new to the Unconvention were Ellie the Elephant (Jenny Banks, Bloxham)
and a Griffin brought by
Eddie Strover
of Braybrooke Morris,
who was accompanied by his team's Greenperson,
Clara Taylor.

On to the Apple Crushing festival at Cromford,
where we danced alongside the nearest thing to the swimming pool I was looking
for earlier - Cromford lake! Ripley Morris under Jack Daws' squireship were
working their socks off for us, aided by their fool, John Butler and Roger Wardin the Unicorn. There was more fooling from Ian
Heighton (Kings Morris) and Jed Dunn (Wyvern Jubilee) After nearly
losing a few people in Scarthin's bookshop, we moved on up the road to dance the
last session outside The Bell, surprising a few hardened sports fans who thought
they were in the pub to watch the footie...

More jigs were performed by Jack Brown, Simon
Pipe and Jennie Howard, and a mass fool's jig by everybody who wanted to have a
go. Not easy in an Animal, I can tell you!

Back to the Venture Centre to freshen up for the
Feast, which was held in the bijou refectory. Catering was by John and Helen
Butler, helped by some friends - Helen could certainly show the professionals a
thing or two about serving 40 or so guests so promptly! The menu of pate,
followed by home made Lasagne, and Apple crumble to finish, washed down with
copious amounts of cider and Skinners Betty Stoggs bitter - and dare I say it -
Mineral Water, was a meal to remember. Charlie Corcoran (Ring Bagman,
Leicester MM) proposed the toast to the Immortal Memory, and I proposed all
the thanks etc. etc. (the boring but necessary bit!)

Entertainment was led by Ken Johnson who
ran a quick Mummers play workshop and then produced a Mummers play, followed by
his own amusing one man version! Other turns were performed by Alexander
Leighton as grumpy old man, with songs from many others led later on by Jed Dunn
and his comprehensive folder of songs!

The Instructionals were held on Sunday morning;
the Fools workshop was led by John Butler, and simultaneously the Beasts
had a seminar with Ron Shuttleworth (Coventry Mummers) on ways of making
a Beast.

We then met together for a discussion on the
future of the Fools and Beasts, and made some decisions, not least of which was
the venues for the next few years! Julian Kohler wondered if a trip abroad to
Brest would be feasible for 2006; Jed Dunn asked if we could hold 2007 at Wyvern
Jubilee, where it will their 30th Anniversary; John Edwards suggested Stafford
for 2008!

Some discussion was made around the name of the
organisation, and whether we should still be affiliated to the Ring. The name
which appeared to be handed down to me was The United Union of Fools; this
seemed double dutch (whoops- sorry, Maarten and Henning - no offence meant!) to
some, and looking back the original title of The Illustrious Order of Fools was
adopted, with an extension to incorporate the Animals/Beasts, and therefore,
after more discussion, we agreed upon The Illustrious Order of Fools and Beasts
to be our official title. Tim Sercombe then pointed out the current badge said
United Union of Fools and had a picture of a Fool only. He suggested that we
hold a competition to design a new badge which incorporated the new agreed name,
and a logo or whatever which reflected both Fools and Beasts. Entries, please,
to me Robert Chisman, before next year's Unconvention -prize tba,
but probably free beer!

Simon Pipe and Verna Wass explained the Banbury
Hobby Horse Festival, and asked for the moral support of the Illustrious Order,
and invited all members to the Festival, to be held 1st/2nd July 2006. For more
details, visit their website www.hobbyhorsefestival.co.uk

Talking of websites, John Edwards pointed out that he had set up a website for
fools and beasts, but had not really had much material for it, and asked for
people to send pics and events to him, for the website www.foolsandbeasts.org.uk.

We all promised to support it, and wished John
best of British luck!

To round the weekend off, those who didn't have
to depart too early joined a walking tour of Cromford, with our guide, Steve,
who gave us all a quick history of the town. Until then I thought Arkwright was
a stuttering corner shop keeper in Rotherham, but I found out that the real
Arkwright was a brilliant entrepreneur, idealist inventor, businessman and
ostensibly a philanthropist; he founded industrial mills, building houses and
looking after his workers - but he made sure he got back all that he gave his
workers by owning the pubs and renting all the properties!

Thanks to Ripley MM for hosting the weekend, and
particularly to Roger Ward for arranging things, and John and Helen Butler for
the catering.