Struggling With Expectations.

I’ve come to the conclusion that every year is going to have it’s fair share of struggles. The trend I’ve notice with myself is that I come into every year with the expectation that THIS year will be the year where everything goes right, where everything feels better – where I finally know what I’m doing! That expectation that everything will go well, that things can only get better, is kind of set up for disappointment and disaster in itself.

I feel like I’ve been sabotaging my own happiness.
So, I think that, from now on, I’m just going to try not to have any big expectations. I’m just going to try to do the things that make me happy and live in the here and now. Expectations be damned.

So far, my theme of the year has been “struggle.”
Struggle with disappointment.
Struggle with goals.
Struggle with relationships and friendships.
Struggle with life and unhappiness in general.

Since JME and I broke up, things have been a struggle. I wasn’t entirely sure who I was “supposed” to be when he and I were no longer a “we,” and since we decided to end our post-breakup friendship I feel like that struggle has been compounded.
I’ve finally allowed myself to grieve the end of that part of my life and now I’m left wondering where to go from here. Where do I stand, in my own life?

I don’t have things figured out yet but I’m getting there.
I’ve decided that there are a few things that will help me along the way while I figure out how to be true to myself.
One of those things, is to take up blogging again. I went on an unexpected hiatus that lasted much longer than I ever thought it would but I finally feel like I’m in the right space of mind to return.
Also, I need to do things for me, that make me happy. Too often, I find myself spread thin trying to do and be everything for everyone else. I can’t always help people make big life decisions, I can’t always be the friend that gives others a shoulder to cry on and I can’t solve everybody’s problems. In the midst of doing all of that, I lose myself.
Sometimes, I need help figuring out what I’m doing or I need to be the one having the breakdown or I need to solve my own problems.
I feel like I may lose some of my (very few) friends in the process but if these are things that they can’t understand then maybe they weren’t real friends to begin with?

Who knows.

A couple of weeks ago, I was trying to sort out the chaos that my life has become and in the process I reflected on the things that made me so happy while JME and I were together (before we were UNhappy) and realized that I don’t do anything for me anymore.
My life is consumed by other people’s neediness and I can’t allow that to be the whole premise for my life.
There is some unavoidable, but very gratifying, neediness – like that of my beautiful 5-year-old – and I find it almost fulfilling, to be able to enrich my life with it, but the rest is unnecessary.
Regardless, I need to find time to focus on me and making myself feel great.
Way back when we were together and things seemed like they were going right my life literally revolved around 4 things: The LD, JME, school and the gym.

The LD is the best part of my life, JME is 100% OUT of my life and school is finished.
The big thing that sticks out to me is the gym.
I used to go every single day – and even if I only got a shitty little half hour workout in, my entire disposition was lifted.

Earlier in the year, I cancelled my membership because between daycare hours that didn’t work around mine and daycare fees that were borderline astronomical, it just wasn’t worth keeping anymore. It really didn’t seem like being a single parent and being a fit person were two things that could coexist in my life.

Eight months later and here we are. I am tired all the time, miserable with the direction my life has taken and unhappy with myself.
I realized that there was a direct correlation between my activity level and all of the above.

That was a huge wake up call for me.

The future looks as bright as the sunrise over Lake Erie – which I was lucky enough to witness one morning last week. 🙂

So, I’ve pared down the list of my goals for the year and I’m left with four. Two of which are relevant to this post:
1) Live a healthier life.
2) Be a positive example for my son’s life.

I’ve started a regular workout routine (which I think I may blog about some more) and I’ve made significant changes to my diet and lifestyle (not perfect, but it works for me) which means that not only am I making myself healthier but I’m showing my son how to do it as well.
It’s been about 3 weeks and I’ve noticed a surplus of positive consequences so I’m confident that the changes I’ve made and are in the process of making, are the right ones.

So while I can’t eliminate the struggles in my life, I can work to rise above them – and that feels good.

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One thought on “Struggling With Expectations.”

I can relate to this. I felt like I’ve needed to take sort of a “life time-out” in recent months. I’ve disconnected a lot, but I figured that my friends will understand. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. If they’re not there waiting for me when I’m ready to re-connect, then I guess that says a lot. Sometimes, we just need to let ourselves break down. 🙂 Hope you’re doing a bit better now.