What sort of anti-vaccine halfwit are you?

10th July 2019

ARE you furious about plans to give the cancer-preventing HPV vaccine to 12-year-old boys? Find out exactly what type of anti-science b*llend you are below:

Permanently angry parent

Your rage about exaggerated risks like vaccines, grooming gangs and LGBT education for the under-fives is what keeps you going, occupying far more of your time than doing something useful like teaching your children to f*cking read.

Full-on conspiracy loon

Vaccine paranoia fits neatly into your terrifying imaginary world of New World Orders and 9/11 truths. If anything, vaccines are the least of your worries when you’re headed for a FEMA death camp run by a Satanic-Illuminati cabal and their anal-probing alien buddies.

Science dunce

You were sh*t at science at school, so science is clearly sh*t. You believe vaccines cause autism and electrical waves from street lights are the cause of your headaches, not Vodkat from Asda.

Washed-up celebrity

If you’re an ancient DJ, past-it model or former member of a dire, two-hit 1990s pop band, anti-vaxxer views offer a last taste of fame. Really you should do the dignified thing and quietly fade into appearing in panto in Romford.

True drivel believer

You have a gullible belief in any fringe bullsh*t, including but not restricted to: healing crystals, ghosts, angels, past life regression, colonic irrigation and Slender Man. Everything you believe is f*ckwitted nonsense, but at least you’re consistent.

Professional right-wing contrarian

If you’re Katie Hopkins or similar, anti-vaccine hysteria is a great opportunity to grind some dismal axe about ‘the nanny state telling you what to do’. You’d be in favour of smallpox if it played well on Twitter.

Stranger Things shown as Normal Things in Norfolk

10th July 2019

NETFLIX show Stranger Things is streamed to viewers in Norfolk as Normal Things, the company has confirmed.

The move repositions the series as a relatable show in which teenagers from a small town experience things typical to growing up in the Fenland regions without changing any of the content.

A spokesman said: “We received a lot of complaints from the area about the first series. Chiefly that there were no supernatural events taking place because they were all perfectly normal and hardly worth remarking on.

“We’re also not promoting it in those regions as being set in the 1980s, because in Norfolk digital watches, videotapes and extra-long cords on home telephones are right on the cutting edge.”

Norfolk-specific name changes have precedents, with Supernatural broadcast as Natural and The X-Files renamed What Happens In Cromer.

Swaffham councillor Francesca Johnson said: “Normal Things is an important show for Norfolk. Everyone here is very much looking forward to seeing themselves represented on screen. This stuff matters.

“My own daughter is named Eleven. Well after the first eight or so you run out of names.”