Dreams

I’ve been dealing with this one for awhile. At first I didn’t want to believe it, then I didn’t want to think about it, then I just didn’t know how to write about it. Of all the memories/flashbacks this has been the hardest for me to deal with because it goes against everything I believe in. Coming to terms with it was like coming to terms with pure evil. I finally have gotten to the place where I can say this was not my fault. I had no control. I was brainwashed into doing these things. Now I need to write about it and let it go or at least get it out.

This all started with me having a reacquiring dream. I’m writing this as the dreams happened for me. I’d dream a little bit, then wake at the same spot for a while. Then something would loosen and I dream more, only to stop at a spot, and only dream up to there for a few nights/weeks, before it would loosen again and I’d get more. The deeper into the dream I got the less time/nights before the jump to the next part.

The dream always starts the same way – floating through some woods being drawn to a light ahead. At first I’d wake up here, scared but not sure why.

Then the dream jumped forward – I’m being compelled forward toward the light even though everything inside me wants to run away from the light not toward it. I feel hands coming up out of the ground and grabbing at my feet as I go by, trying to stop me.

Again I wake up. More nights of just dreaming that before the dream advances again – The hands can’t stop me even though they try and then the trees part. I’m in a clearing, there is a fire (the light that was beaconing me), and people covered in hooded capes. They are gathered around a little girl. She is wearing nothing and she is me. Now I wake in terror at least for the first few times. Then I wake with questions, so many questions,- Is this dream real? Why am I in the wood? Where are my clothes? And who are the hooded people?

I don’t have long a this point, just a few nights before the dream advances again – One of the hooded figures comes forward with a rabbit. The rabbit squirms in its hands. Then I hear the sickening crack and it goes limp.

Again I awake. At this point weeks have gone by of dreaming this dream, the more I have it the more real it feels. Man, do I wish it didn’t because the next bit of the dream is the worst – The rabbit is then shoved at the little girl that is me, and I’m told to eat it. I refuse it at first. It’s raw, full of blood and it still has a face and fur, there’s no way I’m eating it. The figure speaks then and I know it’s my grandfather even though I can’t see his face. He says “if I won’t eat the rabbit, they’ll go get my sister and do to her what they did to the rabbit.” Then I’m inside the little girl who is me’s head and I can hear her thoughts – I don’t want to eat the bunny. I’m not suppose to eat blood, it’s against one of the rules in the Bible. I don’t understand. If I eat the bunny God will hate me for eating blood, it I don’t eat the bunny God will hate me for getting my sister killed. What do I do? In the end, I choose the bunny as it seems like the lesser of two evils. The blood is the first thing I notice – it covers her/me. I can smell its irony smell and taste it’s coppery taste. Then it’s like the girl that is me loses all the human in her and is taken over by a blood lust that can only be called animal in its nature. And she goes a little feral on the rabbit until there is nothing left but blood and bones. Then there is pain and darkness. And I’m awake and trying to breath.

The first round of this dream started months ago, and after talking through it with my therapist I almost came to believe that it was just a bad dream nothing more. And for a while it seem to settle into the background. But after being triggered in the craft store by Halloween stuff this dream is back with a vengeance – start to finish no building up to it like last time. Every time I wake up feeling like I’m covered in blood. I wake up smelling the iron and tasting the copper that is blood. And I know deep down in my soul, no matter how much I wish it didn’t, this dream happened. It is real and I ATE THE RABBIT!

I haven’t written in a while because I don’t know …. Anything! I’m so confused about everything I’m not ever sure how to express it. I’ve been spending a lot of time switching between my alters which has left me on some pretty shaky ground. Sonja been up a lot and she is angry and wanting to fight with everyone. Lola is on a new kick – she wants a man. She’s pushing for one hard. Kit keeps popping out and all she wants is her mother and to be loved and taken care of, the problem is that I really don’t feeling like I have a mother, most of the time, at least not one that can give me what I need. The only person that really made me feel loved and cared for is dead, and it is coming up on the one year anniversary of her death. Which has me sad and depressed. Added to this I keep having these horrible nightmares about killing my dog, (not putting him to sleep because he is old and sick, but stabbing him with a butcher knife while holding in my arms). These dreams are tearing me apart because he is the only thing left that loves me unconditionally, and they feels so real I wake up in a panic attack.

Last week’s therapy session didn’t do much to help me, either. If anything it screwed me up more. It is time I make a break with the therapist that is treating me because she has her ideas on things like where I should be and the progress I need to be making and what will “fix” me. But they are not what I need at all. She used an illustration of me being in a pit, she doesn’t want to jump in there with me because, in her mind, then we would both be stuck. Instead she wants to give me a rope and pull me out. Going with her illustration, there is a reason I’m in the pit in the first place, if we don’t figure out what that is then how am I going to avoid ending right back in the pit. Second, I’m not strong enough (emotionally) to pull my self out of the pit using the rope. Third, I don’t have the confidence in her to allow her to try to pull me out. What if she can’t hold on ( doesn’t have the experience needed to help me) and lets go or drops me? I could be hurt even worse then I am now. Fourth, like I told her the rope she has given me is greased, even if I wanted to I couldn’t hold on. It seems smarter to me to slowly push the dirt back in the pit so that it fills up and then I can get out, because there is no longer any pit.

Basically I want to find the answers to my problems instead of finding quick fixes for the symptoms. I can’t use her little cartoon band-aids for the big deep, gaping wounds that I have, I need stitches, medicine, bandages, and some one who is skilled in using them.

This has me all in a tail-spin because I really don’t want to start all over with a new therapist, but this is the third time issues have come up with her and her treatment or more accurately non-treatment methods and I just don’t need to be wasting my time anymore, in a hope that I won’t have to deal with, change and new and trusting some else.

So basically I feel needy, confused, depress, and a desire to remove myself from the world. I think the picture really says it all.

Stand Up for Mental Health

To protect the innocent, I have changed the names of everyone that appears in this blog, including my own. Most of the names are from the Bible and I have chosen them to help represent what these people are like in real life.