Look, I don’t have anything personally against Jennifer Lopez. In fact, I think she has great skin and I sure do love to boogie to “Play” at the club. In general mi chica has great taste in clothes and DAMN did you see that Coach luggage in the LL Cool J video? But a movie is not an LL Cool J video—you can’t just take some fun outfits, a thread-bare plot, add a hot guy and make it work.

Should I even bother recapping the story for you? As if you didn't know. Fine. JLo’s a maid named Marisa in a chi-chi Manhattan hotel. Marisa’s also single mom who commutes from the Bronx (get it? JLo’s from the Bronx!)JLo works at one of those great hotels where the maids don’t have to actually do anything except pretend they’re in a really bad screwball comedy. The maids also get to be clichés! Someday I hope I’m a cliché.

Enter Christopher Marshall (Ralph Fiennes.) Christopher is as WASP as it gets (he wanted to grow up to be a cliché too.) He doesn’t even really seem to want the Senate seat he may or may not be running for. One thing we do know: Christopher is stupid. Or maybe Marisa is magical. Either way, when Marisa is in a maid’s uniform Christopher doesn’t recognize her, but when she’s in a delicious creamy white Dolce & Gabbana Pantsuit, he foams at the mouth. Thank goodness Marisa works at one of those hotels where you can leave in the middle of your cleaning shift and go for a two-hour walk in Central Park with a guest. It’s also lucky that she wore her expensive earrings and good makeup to clean the toilets that day.

I’d like to make the point that I wish I worked with Marisa at that hotel. She makes enough money that when she’s out of work she still gets to wear fancy designer duds. Marisa even uses Esteé Lauder makeup. I’m a manager at an Internet company and I can’t afford Esteé Lauder. Maybe I should go apply at the Super 8.

One of the most poignant parts of the film was the political interaction between Marisa and Christopher. See, she has a problem dating Christopher because he's a Republican. (But she does give her 10-year-old kid the CD’s of the Nixon Tapes: a collection of the most foul-mouthed tirades against any racial, ethnic or religious group in this country. A collection so disgusting it would make a neo-nazi blush, but choosy mom’s choose Nixon for their school kids.) Marisa tells Christopher he’d feel differently about being a Republican if he actually went to the Bronx. I see, Guiliani was a Republican for so long because he's only been to 4 out of 5 boroughs. One hop onto the Six and he would’ve switched. Damn those Republicans and their crafty political shenanigans!

The worst part about the movie was Stanley Tucci, Bob Hoskins, and Natasha Richardson. They almost made Maid bearable to watch. Next time Jlo makes a movie she shouldn’t use A-list talent, it distracts from her cement-mixer acting.* Speaking of acting, Fiennes is so absent from this movie it makes me wonder where he went. Probably setting fire to something or jaunting over to Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s for a quick bite.

The story continues…blah, blah, blah girl loses boy, boy runs for senate, girl and boy give each other another chance, blah, blah, blah.

You’ve seen this movie before when it was called [insert the name of every romantic comedy since 1984 here.] It’s so trite that Two Weeks Notice AND Maid in Manhattan used the SAME Norah Jones songs in their soundtracks. I get huffy if people talk during a movie. Some lady brought seven brats to the theater that talked loudly, ran up and down the aisles during the movie, switched seats...and I didn’t even care. I got my $1.50 worth.

*One disclaimer. Maid in Manhattan features Amy Sedaris, which is the only reason I decided to watch this movie. I shall not cast stones at any member of The Talent Family. That’s just not playing fair.

Maid in Manhattan is hardly romantic and definately not funny. It ends badly. I mean really not well. Do yourself a favor: before you watch this movie take 4 TylenolPM and a Benedryl chaser. It’s perfect for a long winter’s nap.