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(Ed doesn't want to go out for New Year's Eve and Trixie wants to. They had an aarguement.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, have you got some mercurochrome?"

Ralph: "Why? What happened?"

(Ed takes off his hat to reveal a band-aid.)

Ed: "Trixie won, we are going out New Year's Eve."

#2:

(Alice wants to go out on New Year's Eve, but Ralph doesn't want to take her.)

Ralph: "Are you calling me cheap?"

Alice: "All right. You are cheap Ralph. Cheap. Cheap. Cheap."

#3:

Ed: "Trixie, that sweater you gave me came in handy for me down in the
sewer."

Trixie: "Was it cold down there today?"

Ed: "What?"

Trixie: "Was it cold down there today?"

Ed: "No, there was a leak in one of the pipes. I used the sweater to plug up the leak."

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: You know what her short visits are? Like the time she came for Christmas and New Year's. the only trouble is that she came for New year's and stayed until Christmas. I also don't like when she says: 'Poor Alice doesn't have a washing machine. 'Poor Alice doesn't have an electric stove.' You go and tell her that she can't come."

Alice: "I can't. Poor Alice doesn't have a phone either."

"The Man From Space":

(Ralph is in his "Man From Space" costume.)

Ralph: "Can you see the faces on them, down there when I walk in with this? Well, what do you think?"

(Alice stands.)

Alice: "You want to know what I think? I think that you're nuts."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "I know how to win the costume contest."

Ed: "So do I."

Ralph: "How?"

Ed: "By having the best costume."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "All I know is that when I got married, I had a more modern stove than that."

Ralph: "When you got married, fire wasn't even invented."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Because of Ed, I had to go to work without my bath."

Trixie: "You didn't have to do that Ralph. You could take you bath at the circus. They wouldn't mind bathing one more elephant."

"We Spy":

(At the party, Ed and subsequently Ralph just revealed the "new" Russian Holiday of Thanksgiving. The Russian party thrower wants everyone to roast the goat in honor of Thanksgiving because that is what Ralph said is one of the traditions of Thanksgiving.)

Russian: "Holiday weekend."

Ralph (angerly to Ed) : "Holiday weekend."

Ed: "It's a good thing it is'nt New Year's Eve. Can you imagine all the finks on the road from Minsk to Finsk."

Alice: "It's not my fault Ralph. It's just that there is no room back there."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "A derrick couldn't get me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I know how to throw my weight around."

Alice: "If you did, you wouldn't leave it where it is."

"Champagne & Caviar":

Mr. Marshall: "How did you get a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Just lucky. I guess."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Howard: "Someday, I would like to meet your wife. You are a fine man. Even though I only met you seconds ago, I wish I had a son like you."

Ed: "Take me. I'm yours."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Joey: "A wife is very independent. An American wife is very dominating, she wants to run everything, she will nag you, she won't let you go out nights and she won't let you do the things that you want to do."

Ed: "You are telling me."

"Sun & Raccoon Capital":

Ralph: "You are my special assistant. You will be there where all the big decisions are made. You will be there for all the top-level meetings. You will be in all the smoke-filled rooms."

Ed: "Big deal. I work in the sewer all day and then at night, I have to sit in a smoke-filled room."

(Ralph & Ed are at a barber shop. Ed uses some of the barber's tools.)

Ralph: "Don't you realize that this is man's place of business? How would you like it if some person went to where you work and helped himself to whatever he could find?"

Ed: "Help himself to what?"

"Finders Keepers":

(Ed just beat Ralph at pinball. Because of that, Ed won the box of Italina Creams.)

Ed: "Ralph, we have been friends too long to let a box of Italian Creams to come between us. So, what I am going to do is take this home, Trixie will have the bottom half, Alice will have the top layer, and the box, which is suitable for framming, is yours."

Ralph: "Why don't you shut up?"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

(Ralph is making Ed write a letter saying how Flakey Wakey has made him thin.)

Ralph: "'Before I started eating Flakey Wakey, I weighed 250 pounds. I now weigh...'"

Ed: "'260 pounds.'"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in New York City that is strong enough to do that."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Talk is cheap."

Alice: "It must be or you would have never opened your mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "At last, I have a bathtub that I can be comfy in."

Alice: "What did you order, a round one?"

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "The Nortons had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Ralph: "You are the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy."

(Ralph sits down and hits his knee with a hammer. He thinks that his leg that has the knee cap that he hit should go up.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The Great Fatchoomara is about to hypnotize Alice so Alice can reveal where she hid the money that Ralph is planning to use on the Raccoon convention.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But, all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "You know, I don't have the greatest education in the world. I only went to the 6th grade. I should have continued on. I should have went to high school and thru college. That wouldn't have done any good. That would have made things worse."

Alice: "What do you mean?"

Ralph: "How do you think I would feel as a college graduate being fired from a bus company?"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Do you care if I waste away?"

Alice: "Sure I do Ralph. But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN. YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'"

Ralph: "Don't worry."

(The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard.)

Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts."

"Sun & Fun & The Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph is trying to get into his uniform…his pants are too big. In the storyline, [and Jackie in real life, of course] he lost weight.)

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test Mr. Kramden. You are supposed to take an object and fit it in its respective hole."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furnutire is good enough for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But just because that you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electricute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I am a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

George: "Gee fellas, we were already to play. Me and Harvey just went to get a cold drink."

Ralph: "Well, I hope it was pretty cold and I hope it was milk."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Mr. Mosby: "I am going to do for you what I did for my mom when she wanted a cottage."

Ed: "You are going to buy one for us?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "The door is busted."

Alice: "Ed, don't be ridiculous. This is a dutch door."

Ed: "Boy those dutch people must be very short."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Without Reservations":

(Ralph and Ed are in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "Would you stop with the wisecracks Norton? When the girls get here I wanna make a good impression!"

Ed: "If you wanna make a good impression, keep the door shut!"

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, If you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

(Ralph is thinking that Alice is seeing a boy named Harry Vederchi because he heard her on the phone talking to him and he thinks that is his name when she said 'Arribaderchi.' Ralph tells her what is wrong with him. What does he say?)

Ralph: "All right. Harry Vederchi."

Alice: "All right, good-bye."

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

Ralph: "They are going upstairs."

Alice: "They are staying here."

Ralph (yells): "THEY ARE GOING UPSTAIRS."

Alice: "They are going upstairs over my dead body."

Ralph: "Don't tempt me."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph tries to get Art Carney's autograph for Alice.)

Art: "What's the name?"

Ralph: "My name is Ralph Kramden, but she knows that."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

(Alice is mixing plaster in a bowl. She tunrs on the radio and "In The Mood" plays. Ed Norton comes in and dances to the music with the bowl in his hands. Alice is amused.)

Alice: "Stop that Ed. You are getting plaster all over the floor."

(Alice turns off the radio.)

Ed: "I got an idea. Why don't the four of us all go out dancing one night."

Alice: "Ralph hates dancing."

Ed: "Forget about him. Just bring the bowl."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "Wait a minute. I think I know why this dresser is so heavy. The drawers are probably loaded with junk. Why don't we take them out?"

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes out the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Manager of The Baseball Team":

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last costumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last costumer?"

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants
to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

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