Week In Review

I never worried about the Fiscal Cliff because the Apocalypse was going to happen first.

What, no Apocalypse? The world was supposed to end on December 21st, but I guess not. Somebody out there probably didn’t buy Christmas presents figuring, “What for? We’ll all be dead. Why waste the money? I’ll spend it all on my funeral.” But who’s gonna come?

David Patraeus wasn’t smart enough to cover up his affair… and he was in charge of the CIA? And a possible presidential contender? Not any more. Lying and cheating have no place in politics…. wait… what?

I’ll never forget Tan Mom. Remember that woman who put her 6-year-old daughter in a tanning bed? Let’s not rush to judgement. Maybe mom’s naugahyde face was so scary, her daughter ran into the tanning bed to hide.

Get the hook! Somebody should have pulled Clint Eastwood off the stage at the RNC once he started talking to the chair. Was he serious? Hallucinating? We had an uncle who used to talk to the toaster but he’s on medication now.

OMG, the craziest story of the year was the 80-year-old grandmother who tried to “restore” a rare fresco that belonged to a church in Spain. The painting depicted Jesus but when she was done, not so much. They say she was a painter but refinishing a deck is not the same. Jesus looked more like Mr. Potatohead.

I hope they make a movie about how Katie Holmes orchestrated her escape from Tom Cruise. Some possible titles: “It’s Not a Wonderful Life” or “To Kill a Career” or how about “One Flew OUT of the Cuckoo’s Nest.”

An Ohio church is offering a drive-thru Ash Wednesday blessing for parishioners who might be pressed for time. What’s next… confessions on twitter?

A woman in Philadelphia dubbed the “Black Madam” was arrested recently at a so-called “pumping party” where she was about to perform illegal butt injections. All those stupid enough to participate didn’t realize you can obtain the same result by eating doughnuts.

The Six Billion Dollar Man (CSI creator Anthony Zuiker) is in divorce court hell. His soon-to-be ex-wife may be getting $443,528 a month. All that CSI equipment can’t seem to find evidence of a prenup.

A man in a wheelchair was arrested after robbing a convenience store in Florida. He took a 12-pack of beer and made his getaway but got stuck in the sand behind the store. Police found him there, in his wheelchair, drinking a Bud Light. I’m guessing this was the second 12-pack of the day.

Snooki is pregnant! This pregnancy is going to require a lot of money… unless they sell bulk paternity tests at Costco.

Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher – How NOT surprised were we that this union didn’t last? Let’s make a rule that you can’t have sex with anyone the same age as your kids.

Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries – ‘Til death do us part… or until after the wedding special airs. Divorced after 72 days? I’ve had Mexican food that lasted longer.

Sinead O’Connor – Her marriage to a drug counselor ended after 16 days. Apparently, needing to get high on her wedding night didn’t sit well with the groom. Sinead’s a stoner? Maybe she just got married for the cake.

WHO BUSTED OUT?

Nancy (nip-slip) Grace on Dancing With The Stars.

WHO GOT BUSTED?

Arnold Schwartzenneger – How much more unforgivable can something be? And how much in denial do you have to be to not see the family resemblance? If Arnold ever films a remake of “Twins” we have the perfect co-star!

Jerry Sandusky – The extent of the damage he has done may never be fully known but I can only hope that he serves his time in a prison where he has to shower with the other inmates.

Anthony Weiner – He seemed unable to identify his own penis and once he realized it was his, he wasn’t sure he sent the picture. Maybe it wasn’t his finger that pushed the “send” button.

1. The state of New York finally voted to allow gay marriage. Finally! Equality for everyone! Now gay people can be just as miserable as the rest of us.

2. Basketball star Ron Artest want to change his name to Metta World Peace. What? Why? If anyone could use a name change right now, it’s Anthony Weiner.

3. The Casey Anthony trial has dominated all the networks since it started. I hope she testifies so they can add perjury to her charges. How will we know she’s lying? Her lips will be moving.

4. After a mix-up at a Tennessee hospital, a dead man is being exhumed to remove his dentures that belong to another man who shared the same room. Getting the hospital to pay for the cost will be like pulling teeth.

5. He calls himself the “King of Infomercials” but Don Lapre was arrested for fraud after he bilked over 200,000 victims for $50 million dollars. I expect the judge will sentence him in a way he’ll understand: “You could expect to serve 10 to 15 years… but wait… there’s more!”

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s cheating doesn’t really come as a surprise, but WHO he did it with, WHERE he did it, and WHEN he did it (babies delivered FIVE days apart!) puts him in a whole new category. His story is best described using his own movie titles:

PREDATOR – What he is.

RAW DEAL – What Maria got.

TRUE LIES – How he lived his life.

TWINS – His two sons are almost twins.

CONAN the DESTROYER – What he did to his wife.

COLLATERAL DAMAGE – What this did to his family.

TOTAL RECALL – Will he recall another love-child?

END OF DAYS – Where his career is headed.

TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY – What his future holds.

A mother injected her 8-year-old daughter with Botox, then lost custody of her child. But wait, now she claims it was all a hoax. What’s worse? Injecting your child’s face with toxins or teaching her to lie for money? Botox paralyzes muscles, so let’s inject some into her lips so they will stop flapping.

International Monetary Fund chief, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, went from Penthouse to Rikers Island for a reported sexual assault at New York hotel. Rich & powerful men don’t like prison. They can’t relate to the riff-raff in there. Hey, maybe he and O.J. can be pen pals!

Everyone’s talking about the big rupture that’s supposed to happen today but they never said what kind. Is it a volcano rupture? Or maybe an underground gas line rupture – that would be big. Wait. Maybe it’s a famous person’s spleen. Oh well, I guess I’ll find out tomor…..what? Oooh…. RAPture!… My bad.

Donald Trump is not running for president after all. He chose a reality show over the presidency. Why not do both? With Trump in the White House, we could call it: The Biggest Ego: Cameras show the oval office being enlarged to accomodate Trump’s head.

Koby Bryant lost his cool during a game and used a homosexual slur, on camera! He was fined $100,000 for offending all the people who don’t watch basketball.

Two soap operas – cancelled: All My Children (on since 1970) and One Life To Live (on since 1968). The new replacement show, slated to follow The View, will be “The Chew,” all about food with Mario Batalli. Who voted on that name? The Chew?? Say it out loud – it sounds like a sneeze!

It’s scary to hear that air traffic controllers are sleeping on the job and a solution needs to be found. I have one: bring in a woman. It doesn’t matter what she looks like as long as she has a colicky two-month old baby with her. As long as they’re both in the tower, nobody sleeps.

94-year old Zsa Zsa Gabor is having a baby. It’s not a joke. Her husband, 67-year old Prince Frederic von Anhalt, says they plan to use his sperm, an egg donor, artificial insemination and a surrogate mother. Doctors say that older sperm can lead to birth defects so if that happens, would the doctor be responsible? Could he be sued? I doubt it. If Zsa Zsa sued the doctor, she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.

Barry Bonds was convicted of obstruction of justice stemming from his steroid investigation but he was not convicted of lying to the grand jury about taking them. Does that mean we’re still not sure he took them? I wish I still had my show: “If Barry was Really the Best – He’ll take a Lie Detector Test!”

~How bad do things have to be for your Hollywood publicist to quit when you’re getting more publicity than anyone on the planet? Oh well, at least Charlie still has his personal manager, B.L. Zebub.

~Charlie should friend Moammar Gadhafi on Facebook. They have a lot in common, both floating down De Nile River believing everything in their world is fine while Gadhafi is killing his people and Charlie is killing his career.

~This can’t end well and I don’t see Charlie “winning.” The only happy ending in store for Charlie will be from one of his porn stars. 🙂

1. The Golden Globes should have been called the Golden Gloves. I was sure somebody would punch Ricky Gervais’s lights out in the green room for being so mean… but so funny…but so mean…but so funny…but… Ricky’s a good actor but don’t expect to see him in the next John Travolta movie.

2. Charlie Sheen seems to be headed down a very wrong path. I wonder if he even remembers half the stuff he’s doing. Do you suppose he shoved his own car down the ravine off Mulholland Drive and just forgot? Maybe he thinks he parked it there and walked up, wondering why his driveway seemed so steep.

3. Martha Stewart needed nine stitches for a split lip. She says her dog hit her in the face. That’s her story and she’s sticking to it.

4. Most famous people who engage in an act of career-damaging stupidity, check into rehab. But they’re usually famous for more than two days. Ted Williams, the homeless guy with the radio voice, couldn’t deal. Shoving him into the spotlight was like taking a priest to a strip club – too much too soon.

5. Regis Philbin is quitting his show? I was shocked… not that he was quitting, but that he’s still alive. 😉

1. Prince William and Kate Middleton are getting married! Kate, are you sure you want to do this? How much do you know about his father? The apple doesn’t fall…etc… What will you do when you discover text messages to another, much older, seriously older, woman? Well, maybe not text messages, but I’d keep an eye out for homing pigeons.

2. It was bound to happen: they are banning plastic bags at the grocery. So now I’m hoarding my plastic bags in case I can’t get any more. I have a better idea: Why don’t they ban check-writing when there are more than 5 people in line. Or ban cell phones. Or ban price checks in the express line: No bar code? It’s free! Let’s move it!

3. The public is incensed that Bristol Palin made the finals on Dancing With The Stars. The same people who voted for Bristol will vote for her mother if she runs for president. Let’s hope the mom can dance better than the daughter because if Sarah ever becomes president, she’ll be tap dancing in the White House.

4. Eva Longoria is divorcing that guy Tony-something. What’s it gonna take for cheaters to learn to STOP TEXTING?!? Have we learned nothing from Tiger Woods? Here’s how not to get caught: Pick up the phone, hook up at a Red Roof Inn, and if you get busted, hide the golf clubs.

5. Airport screening is out of control. They could avoid all the screening with a new mandatory flyer’s dress code: Tights and a Tank Top – No Underwear! Think about it. Ballet tights are comfortable for a long flight, there’s nowhere to hide anything, and they don’t have to touch your junk when it’s shrink-wrapped like that.

1. Four and a half thousand people were stranded on a cruise ship off the coast of Mexico with no power, no toilets, no phones, no food (I don’t call Spam and Pop Tarts food). This was worse than the Chilean miners! But here’s the thing: The ship was only 80 miles from shore! They could probably see Mexico from the ship. How long does it take a power boat to go 80 miles & start picking people up? An hour? What’s the problem? I could have made it to shore in an inner tube.

2. Somali Pirates have freed a British couple after being held for a year. Boy, that must have been haarrrrrrrd. Their release must have taken a lot of aarrrrbitration. Or maybe someone paid a big ransom booty. I guess they were determined to be freed, by hook or by crook. Otherwise, it could have been aaarrrrrrmageddon. Asked if they are glad to finally be free, the couple responded, “Yes, we aarrrrrrrre!”

3. Those with a morbid interest in dirty money spent two million dollars this week on Bernie Madoff’s stuff, like his Rolex, grand piano, and diamond rings… you know, the stuff he STOLE from trusting victims to the tune of Fifty Billion Dollars. Isn’t that like fencing stolen goods? Hey, Bernie’s living inside a fence! How ironic!

4. You don’t supposed Oksana Grigorieva nailed Mel Gibson to further her singing career, do you? If she has a hit record, I’m playing tackle for the Pittsburgh Steelers next year.

5. Sarah Palin has a new reality show about Alaska. Let’s hope she gets voted off.