emails

I’ve never done this before, but instead of being, you know… productive this morning and writing the post I had planned, I ended up spending two hours reading every.single.post I’ve made since I started this blog. That’s almost two years worth. I was going to write about a funny story from my childhood but for the life of me – I couldn’t remember if I’d posted about it before. I’m worried I’m going to start repeating myself and look like a complete idiot. Have you guys gotten to that point yet? My mind has gone to complete crap. Maybe it’s my age or the long term effect of eating too many cheese balls as a kid, but I’m blaming 4/20 even though I haven’t smoked in years. Yep, definitely the weed’s fault.

So, for the first time ever, I’m going to do a ‘Friday Flashback‘ post and share one from over a year ago. It goes along well with the fact that I’ve been feeling a bit down from having a lack of a life/friends lately. (Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? I never had this issue when I was younger.)

February 2016:

I recently stumbled upon a blogger who was reviewing a local restaurant right down the road from me. It made me pretty excited, so I posted a comment and tried to connect with her. I really had no intention of meeting this person, I just wanted to tell her how much I agreed with her good review and next time she should get the Bacon & Pimento Cheeseburger because it will give her a mouthgasm. (If you don’t know what Pimento cheese is, you’re not living life.)

Well… she never responded to me. I figured I might come across a bit crazy in my writing, so I thought reaching out to her in an email would clear my name and make her feel more at ease:

“Hi!

I commented on your post recently and I’m worried I came across weird and freaked you out. Don’t be scared. I didn’t want to meet up with you or anything like that. I know I come across a little crazy on my blog… but I assure you I’m more of a “I made my 8-year-old niece try a dog treat crazy” rather than a “I’m going to find your house and harvest your organs crazy.” Speaking of your house, the one on your Bio page is so cute. So is your dog. If you want to be friends, I’m just down the road.

-Blair”

Pretty sure I made it worse. You win some, you lose some right?

Lesson of the Day : If you want to make new friends off the internet, don’t mention living down the road from them and harvesting their organs in the same paragraph.

I have no friends. In full disclosure – I’ve been known to participate in weird satanic rituals like slow dancing with my cats and pushing on people’s bruises when they least expect it. (Am I the only person who sees a bruise and has a hard time resisting taking a stab at it? I can’t be.) I don’t really blame anyone for steering clear of me. I would. But, I got an email a few days ago that was asking for advice and I got super excited because I felt a new friendship blossoming. That was until I read it and realized this person was 100% trolling me and trying to be a smart-ass. It’s still probably one of the best emails I’ve ever gotten and deserves to be shared.

“Dearest Sheep,

This seems weird but I was hoping I could ask you a question. Everyone I know seems to give me candied, sugared-down advice and is pisses me off more than helps. I’m asking you to be blunt and tell me what I need to hear. Please don’t kiss my ass. You ain’t gettin a piece of it either way. I just need some honest feedback. It’s a doozy, but here it is…

My wife has named her lady taco ‘Winifred.’ It’s not a terrible name. I know it could have been something even worse like Lester or Jerry Seinfeld. The problem is is that my grandma’s name is Winifred. She did this shit on purpose to torment me. Now every time we get into it, all I can think of is how much I enjoy my grandma’s warm apple pie.

Do you have any better name suggestions for my wife’s muff? How should I handle this delicate situation? Am I being unreasonable about wanting her to change its name? I think we just need to come up with something a little more sexy for her beef curtains. This is urgent. Thanks.”