Archive for June, 2003

Many in the West are aware that ritual genital mutilation is practiced by certain African cultures, but a shocking new study by the New England Journal of Medicine reveals that the practice of genital mutilation is just as common right here in the United States. According to the study, up to 64% of healthy US male infants have a section of their penis surgically removed shortly after birth, long before any sense of reasonable informed consent could be hoped for. And because this medically unnecessary procedure is often done with the express consent of the infant’s parents, psychologists fear that such early childhood trauma can lead to a lifelong sense of mistrust and apprehension.

The Brick Testament updates today with the first four illustrated stories in a brand new section of the website called The Law. Here you will find many of God’s laws and commandments, as dictated to Moses, thoughtfully illustrated in easy-to-follow instructions. Know them. Study them. Meditate on them. And fret not, there will be many more to come in the weeks ahead. So keep your pants on.

Rev. Smith announced today that the only way he will be attending his own funeral is “over my dead body”. An outraged Smith made it clear that, so long as he has a breath of life left in him, he will take whatever measures are necessary to avoid attending his own funerary services. “Some people might fancy the idea of attending their own burial or memorial service, but not me,” said Smith, “No way. I’ll die before I let that happen.”

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today delivered the commencement address to the graduating class of 230 students at the local F. J. Montgomery Senior High School. Entitled Never Stop Dreaming, his speech was intended to be both inspiring and instructional. “For one to truly ‘never stop dreaming’,” explained Smith to the rapt audience, “one must be asleep at all times.” He went on to advise the graduating seniors to “avoid at all costs” coffee, cola and other major sources of caffeine, and to invest in a very comfortable mattress and pillow.

A surprising new study in the New England Journal of Medicine reveals that, despite what common sense tells us, most people are actually dead. “We can’t be 100% sure of the numbers,” remarked Dr. Susan Engleton, a specialist in population studies, “but according to our best estimates, we believe that about 94.3% of all people who have ever lived are now dead.” Given these staggering numbers, she says, “it appears that the small percentage of the human race that is still alive is something of an anomaly.” Engleton says that with further research, science hopes to explain why this certain small percentage of people manages to live while by far the vast majority of others do not.

Like he was just some ordinary average guy, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith used public transportation yesterday in the form of a bus, to get from point a to point b. “A lot of people might see it as weird for someone like me to just hop on the bus like I’m just some normal person, but the truth is, it doesn’t bother me at all,” remarked Smith. The bus-riding excursion came after a seven minute walk to the bus stop and a twelve minute wait for the bus to arrive. “When the bus arrived, I climbed on board, put my change in the meter, and found myself a seat,” said Smith, “just like everybody else.”