Yes Means Uh-Oh

EUGENE, SIR: I was on tour with a comic celebrity not named Bill Cosby whom everyone loves. One night he asked me and another female comic if we wanted to come up to his room for drinks. We said sure, since we thought it would be a great time. We get to his room and we’re drinking and having a good time, and he says out of the blue, “Do you gals mind if I jerk off?” We laughed, because we thought he was joking, until he pulled it out and started masturbating. At this point, we moved to leave quickly. He stood in front of the door and said, “Not until I finish.” When he finished, he moved and we left. No one believes us, but it happened. The problem is we just can’t agree on what it was that happened. Was it sexual harassment? Predatory? Creepy? A crime? Thoughts? — Name withheld by request

Dear Shecky Greene?: Harassment? Well, I’d be tempted to say no since harassment seems to imply something repeated. But flashers are certainly sexual harassers and you may never see them again after they’ve showed you their privates. But flashers don’t seek consent, which this “comedian” did. But creepy bosses sometime ask before they creep and this does not minimize their creep factor. Predatory seems to imply that he was exploiting a weakness for, in this instance, sexual gain. Less likely, unless you were addicted to going to famous comedians’ rooms, in which case there’s probably another name for it.

But creepy? Yes. A crime? Because he blocked you from leaving the room? Maybe. Because I’m neither an attorney nor a cop, I decided to ask a cop, and he said, “It’s a crime in California. It’s a 236 PC, false imprisonment, and maybe a 314 PC, indecent exposure. But the most important question is, did he have a freckled dick?” Jurisprudential jokes/guesses at the perp’s identity aside, the reality is — and as the father of three daughters I think I can healthily tell you a few things — that the problem is men, and really very little surprising will happen when drinking in someone’s hotel room after 2 o’clock in the morning.

Sure, he sought consent, but according to my cop friend who was nice enough to share the statute with me, the issue is how the creeped-out individual feels about what’s going on. When you made your move to leave, since you did grant consent to the masturbation issue, his stopping you was a criminal act. Criminality aside, I am going to gamble that no one’s ever written a letter like this about Brad Pitt. And not because Brad Pitt hasn’t not done this either. If you know what I mean.

Ageless + Evergreen

EUGENE, SIR: What to do? A friend has told me that she is in love with me. She is 34 and I’m 83 I’m very much in love with her. Can’t be for money. I’m not exactly poor but not rich. What to do? – Maurice Trepanier

Dear Mo, Baby: Push-ups. Followed by deep knee bends and maybe sit-ups. Fruits and vegetables. Stop smoking. And finally: get ready for a bumpy ride. You can thank me later.