Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Good Advice About Taking Advice

Recently my
cousin Diane referred to me as the weirdest person in our family. This gave me pause since that side of the
family is a rather peculiar bunch (it comes as no surprise to frequent readers
that my DNA is a bit twisted). When we
were kids, we would often dismiss criticism by saying “consider the source”
meaning the person was too stupid to be speaking the truth. However in this case, a weird person was
calling me weird. So perhaps there was some
truth to Diane’s observation. In
considering this concept, I came up with a couple examples.

I had read
about Miley Cyrus’ bizarre performance at the Video Music Awards in
August. I didn’t really think it was a
big deal until Lady Gaga spoke out and said it was distasteful and had gone too
far. Now when Lady Gaga says that you
are acting too slutty, you probably need to dial back the slutiness a few
degrees. Of course after hearing this I
had to watch a video clip of in question.

No longer the slutiest chic around!

Yeah, it’s
one of those things that you click on and then you wish you never did. And it’s like a train wreck, once you start
watching, you keep watching because it is so shocking. I now know what twerking is and really wish I
didn’t. I will say I have taken a “no
twerking” pledge as a way to foster a more civil society. And I am sad that Hanna Montana has turned
into Imaho Idaho.

Then there
was the time at work when a former boss (let’s call him, ah I don’t know, errr,
“Joe”) burst into a meeting late and declared, “Oh that Ted Wilson over at
Blair Corp is an arrogant jerk!” I
looked across the table at my co-worker Walt and we both had the same stunned
reaction. First of all, we were amazed
that Joe had any understanding of the concept of arrogance since he had to buy
his enormous hats on-line at the “Big and Boastful” store. And second, we hoped
we never, ever, met Ted Wilson because if Joe thinks this guy is an arrogant
jerk, then Ted should be locked up or maybe just shot in the head.

So I think
I’m on to something here and I’ve developed these rules to guide you in responding
to certain criticism you may receive:

-If
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says you are too fat, it’s time to eat more
salads.

-If
Hugh Hefner says your girlfriend is too young, it’s time to get a “later-model”
(and you might want to get a lawyer)

-If
Jennifer Lopez says your butt is too big, then you might want to start
exercising those glutes. The same thing
applies to Sir Mix-A-Lot and I cannot lie.

-If
Lindsay Lohan says you need to sober up, it’s time for some serious rehab. But don’t go with her!

-If
Kim Kardashian says you are a media attention whore, it’s time to lower your
profile.

-If
a fashion model says that you’re too thin, it’s time to eat a sandwich and a
big one at that.

-If
a cow tells you you’re stinking up the bathroom, it’s time to improve your
gastric flora. (That’s what the cow says)

So am I going to dial down the
weirdness? Am I going to start acting
more “conventional”? Am I going to
abandon my philosophy that “I’m normal, it’s everyone else who’s all messed up”? Well, I always thought that would take care
of itself when I finally matured. The
only problem is that I’m running out of time.