Great idea for a horror movie; the support staff of the Russian Duma goes away for a weekend to a cabin on a lake, only to be murdered one after another by an axe-wielding psychopath in a hockey mask. Low-budget, great action- a sure winner, right? Only problem is, it’s already been done! Since November, 1996, four assistants to Duma deputies have been murdered in Moscow. The most recent to go down was Yevgeny Shklayev, assistant to “Narodovlastiye” deputy Sergei Shashurin. The other three were all, coincidentally, assistants to LDPR deputies: one with two prior rape convictions, another whom police called a member of the Solntsevo gang, and a third whom MUR detectives called a known mafioso from the Smolenskaya gruppirovka.

“If you just give me another minute, I’ll find my glasses!”

The barrage of Duma murders has turned local press coverage of the homicides into a knee-jerk process, causing problems for some reporters. Last week, “Narodovlastiye” spokesman Sergei Serov announced that he was suing several Russian newspapers, including Kommersant Daily, for erroneously describing Shklayev as having a criminal record. “Nowadays, when someone gets killed in the Duma, the papers instantly write that he had a few convictions somewhere,” he told eXile, sighing. “The thing is, they’re willing to risk being wrong, because the chances of being right are so high.”

The Mob Fights Tooth Decay

What do you do when long days of extortion and bank fraud leave your teeth dull and spotted with yellow stains? Dr. eXile’s best advice is brush, brush, brush, which is what a gang in the Khimki region, up late and concerned about hygiene, did last week. According to detectives from the Khimki OVD, four thugs in a Zhiguli hijacked a truck that was headed for the joint-stock company “Sofie” in Moscow. The truck contained no cash, but it had ten tons of “Signal” toothpaste in the cargo bay. The OVD had no comment about the progress of the investigation, but eXile assumes security will be beefed up on the next delivery of brushes.

Die Hard

Here’s yet another reason to avoid first-floor apartments, brought to you by the Moscow SudMedExpertisa, or city criminal forensic pathology department. According to spokesman Yevgeny Barinov, Moscow in the first week of April saw one of the grossest suicides in recent memory.

“Easy does-it guys, I’ve got a bad back, not to mention piles!”

A Belyavo region resident whom he identified only as “K.” had opted for slitting his wrists rather than the more traditional method of jumping from a balcony. However, Barinov said, “K.” had failed to kill himself even after fourteen self-inflicted wounds to his right arm. Desperate, he plunged his knife- a 25-centimeter hunting blade- into his stomach, after which he began removing his small intestines with his hands. Death still eluded him, however, and in a panic he ran out onto the street, slicing off chunks of his small intestines as he went. Horrified bystanders called the police, but by the time they’d arrived, “K.” had won himself his final peace by cutting his jugular vein, causing him to collapse dead in his courtyard. “It was a situation,” said Barinov, “that could have been avoided with a little foresight.”