Allow me to get the news portion of this post quickly out of the way, so I can jump right into sharing what’s got my shorts feelin’ all kinds of tight. A Tool fansite just wrapped up its bracket-style tournament, in which fans voted for their favorite song within each match-up among the 64 seeded. “Lateralus” came out on top, with “Third Eye,” “10,000 Days,” and “Sober” coming in second, third, and fourth places, respectively.

Antiquiet‘s got the bracket if you’re interested, along with the tipoff to a bit of trivia that is new news to me, which, as a bigger-than-average Tool fan, still managed to surprise and delight me to no end. Are you familiar with the Fibonacci Sequence? The almost magical sequence of numbers directly connected to the Golden Ratio which, in turn, inexplicably appears in nature in countless forms (the branching of trees, the spiral of shells, the reproductive habits of bees, etc.) and has been put to use in history-defining architecture and art? I don’t know why I’m posing these as questions because I’d be a damn fool to ask you next if you’ve ever noticed that Tool implemented it into almost every aspect of “Lateralus.” I’d like to think my readers aren’t that cripplingly nerdy.

Regardless, it’s true, and it’s awesome. From the time signatures to the melodic phrasings to the lyrical content. Check out the specifics here, and listen for yourself below. Now that’s what I call math rock, AMIRITE?!?! Hurr, hurr, hurr, WoooOOooo!!! ROTFL LULZ!!!1!1!!one!!1!

"Shining Time Station would be filthier than a Jersey truck stop if they hadn't recruited me as their conductor."

For those of you who are wondering if Ringo Starr is still a self-important assh*le, I can report to you today that yes, yes he most certainly is still a self-important assh*le. Not content with simply refusing to accept any more fan mail in his lifetime (a promise he made to his fans in October of 2008 in the video after the cut), Starr forges ahead in his quest to become the least likable Beatle, living or otherwise, with his recent interview with the Daily Mail’s Live Magazine in which he asserts that the he was a cool “big shot” when the rest of the band found him and that they were “lucky” to recruit him.

The sticksman, who replaced original drummer Pete Best two years after the Fab Four got together to form a band in 1960, claimed he was already a star in his former band Rory And The Hurricanes before he joined Paul McCartney, John Lennon and George Harrison.

“Within Liverpool I was a lot more well known than them,” he told the Daily Mail’s Live Magazine. Rory And The Hurricanes were big shots in the city. We had suits. That was our claim to fame. They were lucky to get me. It wasn’t just that I was a big shot, I was a cool drummer.” [via NME]

For all you uncultured swine reading this who are unfamiliar with British slang, allow me to translate….

Since we started the week with an untimely death in the music world, I figured I’d finish it off with another celebrity passing to get us good n’ soft for the coming of the Raptors (that’s what all the hubbub is about, right?) Randall Mario Poffo, better known as former WWF/WWE superstar wrestler “Macho Man” Randy Savage, was killed in Florida this morning at the age of 58 after suffering a heart attack resulting in a fatal car accident.

According to the Florida Highway Patrol, Savage was driving his Jeep Wrangler when he veered across a concrete median, through oncoming traffic, and “collided head-on with a tree.” He was transported to Largo Medical Center, where he died. Savage’s wife of one year, Lynn, was a passenger but sustained only minor injuries, according to TMZ.

Savage’s brother, Lanny Poffo told TMZ that the wrestler suffered a heart attack while he was driving and then lost control of the vehicle. [via MSNBC]

You may be wondering what the hell this has to do with music news. And if you are, I may be wondering why you’re such a deprived idiot. Because in 2003, Macho Man burst onto the music scene with the seminal rap album Be a Man. The title track is embedded below, in which he lambasts Hulk Hogan for being such a Hollywood p*ssy.

Man, I never liked wrestling, but I love my friends’ impersonations of Macho Man, and I dig his unbridled hatred for Hulk Hogan. Oh, and Slim Jims. I love Slim Jims. As a matter of fact, if you need me, I’ll be in the snack aisle at Shop Rite. Or is it candy? Or beef? Where the f*ck would I find it? Eh, I’ll just stick to the check-out counter at Wawa.

Yeesh, sorry to be such a Debbie Downer with this week’s posts, but I’m merely the bearer of all the bad news, which seems to be ramping up leading to Saturday’s Rapturous Zombiepocalypse. The latest tragedy to report is that, in his recently released memoirs Not Dead & Not For Sale, Scott Weiland reveals that he was raped at the age of 12 by an older student. (As an aside, some other media outlets are giving this story the headline “Scott Weiland Raped,” which, although true, I think we can all agree is a little misleading.)

In his book the singer details a tragic event when, as a 12-year-old, he was raped by a “big muscular guy, a high school senior… [who] rode the bus with me every day to school.”

Scott continues, “[He] invited me to his house. The dude raped me. It was quick, not pleasant. I was too scared to tell anyone. ‘Tell anyone,’ he warned, ‘and you’ll never have another friend in this school. I’ll ruin your f—in’ reputation.'”

The sinister episode was so tough that the singer admitted he couldn’t confront it until recently.

“This is a memory I suppressed until only a few years ago when, in rehab, it came flooding back,” he writes. “Therapy will do that to you.” [via Ultimate-Guitar.com]

Woof, that is awful. But it may provide some insight into the inspiration (subconscious or otherwise) for his lyrics to “Sex Type Thing” – the rapiest song this side of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

If you’re one of the many people still looking for someone to teach you how to Dougie, lessons from the masters just got scaled back a bit. Rapper M-Bone of Cali Swag District – the group responsible for last year’s hit hip-hop dance song “Teach Me How To Dougie” – was tragically gunned down Sunday night in a drive-by shooting.

Bone, born Mante Talbert, was one-fourth of the group that rose to fame with their 2010 single “Teach Me How to Dougie.” Cali Swag frontman C-Smoove tweeted, “Ma life changed drastically in the blink of an eye. rip mbone,” early Monday morning.

Inglewood Police Department Homicide Sgt. Brian Spencer confirmed to MTV News that the 22-year-old Bone died of two gunshot wounds to the head in his hometown of Inglewood, California.

Witness accounts confirm that the rapper was seated in his car when the gunmen pulled alongside him in a separate vehicle and let off at least two rounds. The suspects fled northbound on La Brea. [via MTV News]

That is terrible and sad. And really kinda makes me question what’s being considered “gangsta rap” nowadays. Should I be concerned about the well-being of the dudes responsible for my other favorite hip-hop dance song of 2010 “Movin Like Berney”? Because that would honestly devastate me. Not to mention putting my self control and tact to the ultimate test to avoid making an easy Weekend at Bernie’s joke.

The Daily Mirror claims that Quentin Tarantino wants Lady Gaga for a role in a future film. Of course, this is a British tabloid story, likely based only on the fact that Gaga made a video last year which was basically a Tarantino homage co-starring Beyonce and on the coincidence that both Gaga and Tarantino are in Cannes right now.

According to the Daily Mirror today (May 12), the Pulp Fiction director is keen to meet up with Gaga at the Cannes Film Festival, where the singer performed last night. A source told the paper: “It’s no secret Quentin’s been eyeing up Gaga for a role in one of his up-and-coming films. And now they’re both in Cannes, he’s keen to show off his movie star credentials.”

Gaga is a confirmed fan of the director, having based her video for her duet with Beyonce, “Telephone”, around his Kill Bill film series.

Tarantino has recently confirmed his new film, which he has finished the script for, will be titled Django Unchained. The film will tell the story of a freed slave’s revenge against his former master. Whether this is what he had in mind for Gaga or not isn’t quite clear yet… [via NME]

Despite this being complete tabloid gossip, it’s fun to imagine how Gaga’s big screen debut would manifest itself. Maybe she could play a seductress who doubles as a faceless criminal in a comic book-styled pulp action thriller. Hmm. No, no, this is better…She’ll be a sexy, tough New Yorker who helps round out a team of professional female baseballers in a World War II era dramedy. Nah, I got it now. I’m tellin ya, this is the one…She’d be perfect in the lead role of a rags-to-riches biopic musical about a strong female spiritual leader in some South American country. Is anyone in Hollywood reading this? I’m available for work…Have your people call my people.

The Snoop Dogg and Charlie Sheen collaboration that absolutely everyone no one has been clamoring for has finally surfaced. And it is every bit as terrible as you’d expect from a rapper who jumped the shark about eight years ago and an actor who nuked the fridge about eight weeks ago. It’s called…wait for it…”Winning.” Of course it is.

I miss young Death Row Snoop. The one who hung around with murderers and business-oriented thugs named Suge who held Vanilla Ice over balconies by his ankles. Come back to me, Doggfather!