i waited to read this because of the apparent warning you gave. i was really bracing myself for something that i feared would be triggering. once i read it, i had to say - it is interesting to me that you found it so difficult to write. do you know why? it does not deal with the stuff that most people would find triggering - not the actual CSA events. i can really identify with the sense of loss of your father and the loneliness and isolation - but i wonder why this chapter - after his passing - hurt so much? in a way, i guess my much of my life has been at this stage - after my father's death - but then, i never really knew him or got used to having him there. i guess i can't imagine the contrast - maybe i'm answering my own question.

sorry, you don't have to answer, but i will keep reading to see what you do with this theme as the story unfolds.

thanks again for sharing your life with us.Lee

_________________________
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"

To call it compelling would be a grand understatement. Rather, I experience a hard-wire connection to that boy.

My next step was to hop right into Ch One, then Two, then stop and realize I need not do this to myself so severely. I have to learn I can trim my fingernails, not cut off the arm. A slow-drip, rather than an open artery might be best for Still.

Like Traveler, I can't identify with the loss of my father on the same level. he's still around and becoming less of a terror.

But your illustration of the loss of the familiar...wow...bleeding right now.

I really wanted to answer some some questions I have had recently regarding just how I came to be abused by AFB. Some of the books and counselors I have talked to have all told me the common link to alot of SA cases involve isolation so that the perp has less risk of being found out.

As I have reflected these last few months, I have come to discover that I too was isolated from my familiar. If you have read my newest poem "Hide" I think that may give you a good idea where my thought process is going.

Over the next few chapters I am not sure if I will write about SA only to illustrate how I was "ripe for the plucking." There are many things I want to describe along with the isolation, such as my mothers many inabilities, the different schools both private and public, my sisters sudden departure, as well as AFB. I am going to attempt to explore how he got in the picture. SOOOOOooooooo stay tuned! LOL.

As for this last chapter, The emotions I was experiencing was primarily centered around the feelings of isolation from my old school, friends, and familiar way of life. It really wasn't the loss of my father. Although at the time my father was all I was thinking about.

I wanted to re experience this time and allow my inner boy to write it because I had blocked most of it out over the last 30 years. I am also not sure if I had completely processed this trauma. This story took me almost a week to write, each each sentence or word would cause me stop and process a new memory and feeling.

This event I believe was pivotal in my life and I wanted to share it with you.

I hope that answers your questions? if not we can certainly try and explore this further. I think it may be helpful.

I apologize for any grammatical errors, my editor is at work. I am just a lowly "Stay at home" father.

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