Suicide (from Latinsaosin meaning, "to laugh hard"; also called harakiri, self-destruction, or Jihad) is painless. It brings on many changes. It was originally practiced in order to kill enemies from beyond the grave, until it was disovered by Osama Bin Laden that suicide can also be used to cure severe toothache.

Some people have even made a game out of it.

Contents

Medical treatments

Suicide is an important medical treatment for depression, and only somewhat less costly than a permanent coma. It is resolutive, and it also helps decrease the surplus population that has become a burden to the United States Youth Committee. The General Accounting Office estimates that suicide has successfully lowered the unemployment rate by 0.4% over the past five years, making it nearly three times more effective than infant sacrifice to the Infallible Supreme Gods of Venture Capital. Suicide has also been recognized by the FDA as a second-stage treatment for cancer, AIDS, and fibromyalgia, and off-label uses include therapy for blue balls and smoking cessation.

Suicide is also a good treatment of medicalness for dumbasses, and an important industrial process in the pharmaceutical industry, providing Living Human Tissue for nutritional supplements and cyborgs. The DEA enforces restrictions on production, notably organ transplant, as it would cure terminal patients, causing them to avoid suicide and drying up supply. Suicide also is great for organ donors since they won't need them and someone else can use them.

Suicide videos

Suicide videos are collected regularly on NothingToxic, arguably the favorite website of Pedobears. Every quality suicide should be memorialized with a video or documentary posted to YouTube, but in practice this has proven a very difficult process to finish. The fuckers hardly ever post the things to the Internet after they commit suicide, due to laziness from American obesity. The traditional format for a suicide video is for the victim to yammer some bunch of crap in Hebrew that nobody understands for five or six minutes before he gets to the good part. But most people are too damn lazy to learn Hebrew, much less memorize stuff out of the Torah, just in order to make a video look good when they're not even angling for a record contract. So perhaps it's no surprise that nobody has yet shown up at the Oscars to collect an award for their suicide video, but hope springs eternal.

Legal Status

Suicide is illegal in most countries. People have recently been arguing for the death penalty as the punishment for commiting suicide. Other crimes, however, have less severe penalities. In Arkansas, Colorado, Northern Virginia, and East and West Dakota suicide is a felony punishable up to five years of prison and/or a fine of $4.50. It is a major industry in countries like Switzerland, Euthanasia and Lithuania. The Swedish have come up with the most severe punishment for attempted suicide: treatment for depression. Suicide is one of the most popular forms of recreation in many Middle Eastern countries and as such the public predominately views suicide as the act of exploding oneself into tiny pieces while in a crowded area. In Soviet Russia gun shoots you, making "accidental" suicide happen often, so no one is ever charged with it.

Dignity

Let's face it, there is no dignified way to kill oneself, except maybe flying a hijacked plane into a really big skyscraper. Some out there believe they don't want their family to go through the trauma seeing them dead. Let's review...

Hanging oneself. Well, you look like an idiot and the rope could break, making you a vegetable for life. Plus you can crap yourself which makes you smell even worse.

Shooting oneself. You'll probably ruin your good shirt and get your blood and brain matter all over the wall; who do you think has to clean that up?

Overdosing. The Pills make you have a seizure and look like an Idiot. Your face is frozen to make you look like you were having an orgasm when you died.

Raped By A Large Herbivore. You get ass rammed by a ram and everyone laughs at you during, the cops won't help you because you're getting fucked in the ass and they're laughing too hard. Eventually you get crushed to death or drown in the semen, this is also the Gayest way you can die.

Throw yourself off a skyscraper. You just might actually live, but 109% of the time, you end up dead. Besides, you might end up killing someone down there.

Slicing your entire body parts into a blender. WILL IT BLEND?

Jumping to a pit full of spikes and zombies. Trust me, you'll be losing a few body parts, including your nuts.

Dishonoring Chuck Norris. Again, the most painful way to die, and you will be the most hated person on earth and people will fuck your corpse.

Because suicide can be painless. It brings on many changes. And you can take or leave it as you please. Bitch ass mother fucker!

WARNING! Please note you MUST do it properly first time; Failure at being a failure is not acceptable.

Many IB students would love to commit suicide but they're far too busy doing homework and studying for their exams.

Suicide may be fatal if correctly attempted

Once you commit suicide one way, you cannot try the others

How to commit suicide

Method 1 (Road kill)

You'll need a gun and a road.
Go to a road Keep standing on the road until a car will hit you.
And while you're there you might as well shoot some random bystanders.

Method 2 (Chuck Norris)

This one is easy but also the most painful.
Just say: "The roundhouse kick sucks" and before you know it Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you off the planet and erase you from the universe.

Method 3 (Windows)

You'll need a PC with Windows or Money for one.
Buy one if you don't have one.
Then go to the top of The Empire state building.
Tie a rope to the PC, drop one end of the rope let the PC end stay on the roof, jump off the building and right before you land pull the rope and let The PC hit your head, if you don't die then try it again, but after three times you'll have to restart the PC.

Method 4 (Phone)

If you live in the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 or 911 to bring the men in white suits. They will take you to a happier place, and give you medications to help put you out of your misery.