Sunday, February 14, 2010

ABC’s This Week hosted by Jonathan Karl with Dick Cheney

Karl: Dick you say Obama won’t recognize the warlike nature of our non-declared war on terror

Cheney: that’s right when terrorists use box cutters to blow up a building that’s an act of war

Karl: so why didn’t you ask for a declaration of war in 2001?

Cheney: Fuck you

Karl: The President says he’s doing more to combat terrorism that you ever did

Cheney: yes they did fix our mistakes in Afghanistan although it took them too damm long

Karl: Biden says getting out of Iraq will be Obama’s great success

Cheney: I can’t believe they are trying to take credit for our lying fake useless destructive war - that is totally mine

Karl: oh really

Cheney: Biden should get down on his knees and thank George Bush for attacking the wrong country after 9/11

Karl: so you admit it was a mistake?

Cheney: no Saddam fought the Iran-Iraq war and used chemical weapons in the 1980s

Karl: that was all with American support

Cheney: we got rid of one of the worst dictators of the 20th century

Karl: we’ll talk about George Bush later

Cheney: Obama thinks Iraq is a triumph!

Karl: I think he means getting out of Iraq

Cheney: hey were going to leave just as soon as we figured out it was all a huge mistake

Karl: how you would have handled the underoos bomber

Cheney: I would have crushed his testicles

Karl: anything else?

Cheney: it’s clear they were totally confused they didn’t know whether to crush his balls or pull out his fingernails

Karl: decisions, decisions

Cheney: to be fair it’s hard - what with the Constitution and the laws and all that crazy nonsense

Karl: let’s get back to torture - what other creative techniques would you have used?

Cheney: I will leave that to the professionals - I’m only an amateur sadist

Karl: well make a guess

Cheney: well there’s hot pokers, the iron maiden, Jamie Foxx on the Grammys - all I know is Obama is a wimp for using the Army Field Manual

Karl: why didn’t you torture Richard Reid?

Cheney: Believe me I would have but I hadn’t talked Bush into it yet

Karl: doesn’t it give the terrorists too much stature to call them soldiers?

Cheney: I’m not interested in debating our hypocrisy - I just want to say Obama has a weak mindset because he’s never shot a man in the face - do you really want a man like that protecting your family?

Karl: in 2005 the Bush administration was proud their prosecutions!

Cheney: Well I never agreed with that - all those fucking wimps - we had a shootout in the Bush White House over that!

Karl: you had a vigorous disagreement over whether to use enhanced interrogation in the Cabinet?