Grief & Loss

Ranting

Bookmark Discussion

littlesprout wrote:

I don't understand why we have to deal with so much pain. Yes we are people full of sin and life isn't perfect and it will never be. Why? Why do mothers who are expecting their first bundle of joy or second third and more have to go through the worst situation no one could ever imagine.

To this day I hate myself for not walking out that hospital when the doctors weren't listening to my needs and answering my questions. I hate that I let myself think that the doctors are always right and what I was feeling was me trying to refuse that nothing was wrong when in reality nothing WAS WRONG. My daughter passed away and it was MY FAULT for listening to the doctor and letting the doctor dismiss my thoughts and my opinions and letting him tell me whatever I decide I'll eventually end up making my daughter suffer and it'll be my fault for making her go through that basically saying My decision will kill her.

Every day going by I'm getting worse and I feel like I won't be able to fulfill the promises I made to my daughter. I don't know how other moms are so strong getting through the days even though it hurts them and slowly picking up the pieces and still getting through life with their heads held high.

I hate that other moms have to suffer like I do.

The pregnancy announcements hit harder than a rock feels like my hearts been stabbed a billion times because I remember when I first found out the gender and announced that I was having my little princess.

I see the moms who were pregnant around the time I was with their baby showing them to the world their precious creations.

I wish I was also showing the world my beautiful princess or keeping her to myself and my family giving her kisses and letting her know how much I love her and how I was so excited to finally meet her and see her grow..

Instead I was planning her funeral.. sending out the time and date.. picking out her first outfit I couldn't put on her and couldn't see her smiling Or crying in.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I feel the same way as you. I lost my baby girl, Gabriella, on Oct 29th and it is so hard. It is definitely the hardest when I see pregnant woman and newborn babies. It just hurts so bad even when I'm trying my best to get through the days and live life. I don't know your story but I also have anger at my Dr because at 23weeks I had a high fever and brown spotting and he wasn't concerned. He told me as long as spotting wasn't red not to worry. My water broke 2 weeks later and she was born. It turned out I had an infection in my placenta causing her to be born. Gabriella fought hard for 65 days but we lost her. She suffered in the end and it breaks my heart thinking about that. I don't know if things could have been different if my Dr took me more seriously. My due date is next week and I'm constantly thinking of what if I still had her with me. I don't know how to move on.

All the feelings you are having are normal. Hopefully as time goes by we can make peace with it. I promised my baby I would do whatever I have to do to be ok. I don't want her life to destroy me. She deserves to bring positives to my life. Try to think of your beautiful angel cheering you on smiling down on you.

I am very sorry for your loss. Please do not blame yourself! It is NOT your fault. Naturally we trust the doctors because they are supposed to be trained well to help us. I am a nurse, and I expect more of myself. I should know more than a lay person. But I still did not protect my son from dying. I though I had everything under control. I picked the right doctor, traveled long distance just to see a specific doctor, asked the results of my tests to be communicated to me by the specific doctors (3 out 7 doctors in that practice, because I did not trust the remaining 4), did not want to talk to an idiot nurse who could not give me accurate results of my blood test, etc. I thought I was in a good place until a moron sonogram tech bluntly announced that my baby's heart had stopped. I learned about my baby's passing from a tech, who barely had any training. She was the one to announce this life-changing news to me, not the doctor who I trusted. My world crushed not only because my son was dead, but also because this idiot who said it to me left me with my sorrow and I did not see any way out. It took me some time to get the answers from my doctors, but the damage has been done. Please DO NOT blame yourself. You did everything right. You did go to the doctor. You sought help, but there was no way for you to know what was happening unless you were in that field, and I mean unless you were a gyn practitioner. Even doctors gets lost when it comes to their own health and family. As a nurse I never tell doctors that I am in this field as they assume that you know everything, and, in reality, when you are a patient you forget everything you know. My college professor, who taught maternity told us a story of the time when she had a baby after years of working with babies she did not know how to hold her own child. Even healthcare professionals get lost. Please stop blaming yourself. You did not know. You did your best. I am sorry that you had to go through this. I am very sorry.

The material on this website is provided for educational purposes only and is not to be used for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, or in place of therapy or medical care. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy.