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Online Dating: The Gift that Keeps On Giving

If nothing else, online dating has already been a rich source of humor. Figured I’d share some of my favorite moments from the fine gentlemen of Circle Carb Brown Caffeine….

Some of the finest gold can be panned from responses to the prompt, “I appreciate when my date….”

A response from one extremely charming candidate: “nice. By ‘nice’, I don’t mean a bible-thumping, republican, up-tight putz who could make a diamond out of a lump of coal. I mean a girl who is capable of having a decent conversation that doesn’t center around her shoe collection; who is aware of the world around her; who is respectful of people and animals, who doesn’t clip her fingernails on the train; who puts a smile on people’s face. Someone with a brain, a sense of humor, and a job.” Thank you for enumerating this oddly variable mix of general and specific requirements, sir! You seem like a lovely gentleman who would be an engaging and enjoyable partner! And may have actually convinced me to begin clipping my fingernails on the train!

Another fine young man responded that he wants a date who: “doesn’t argue for the sake of arguing only, Is not a drama queen, or a diva“. He clearly has no issues of his own!

And the biggest peach of all wants a date who “shows up on time, is open minded, cooks for me.” It isn’t too late for me to connect with this fine fellow! What do you think folks, should I ask him if he’s rich? Because if he’s rich, I’ll cook! 1950s, we’ve missed you!

Last but not least, this guy is actually kind of endearing…. In response to the prompt “I am…”, he responded, “a jack off all trades.” Nonironically. STAY GOLD, PONYBOY!

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You should try to negotiate with them. Like maybe you’re always late but you do cook but he has to be rich but if he paid for someone else to wash the dishes after cooking then you would be willing to pretend you might one day try butt stuff (this is obvs what is meant by “open minded”).

You could not be more right about “open minded.” Actually I like this idea and I think it could be the basis of a really interesting reality TV show where everyone starts with a certain cache of points and gets to negotiate them for the things they want, like I’ll give you 15 points for always being on time but you’ll have to give me 45 points for butt stuff. It’s like the worst part of relationships plus the worst part of business– so basically 50 Shades of Gray in game show form.