Archive for the ‘First Church Of The Wholly Chao’ Category

As instructed, I have managed to obtain a position within the Creationist Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky, and Hoopla, it is almost exactly as you had predicted – how do you do it, you wiley bastard?? You were completely half right. How do you see through these scams? Yes, the Christian Creationist Museum is -indeed- a front for The Discordian Society: The First Church Of The Wholly Chao: and yet it isn’t. The ingeniousness of its creation is remarkable . . . it is a Discordian organization pretending to be Christian, but it is genuinely creationist. There are actually Creationist Discordians, can you believe it?

These Discordians take Eris seriously -quite seriously- and consider her ‘She What Done It All’, in the most literal sense. These bastards are Fundies, you had better believe it. They believe Eris created the world last Thursday, and that all the memories we have as a collective society were implanted by the Goddess to give the illusion of a rich history. For what reason, they don’t say.

When chatting with a security guard one day he pointed out that there were several theories of evolution that go against Darwin . . . I didn’t have much to contribute since I hadn’t done much of anything in a few weeks so I asked him to elaborate. He pointed out that Dr. Rupert Sheldrake proposed a completely different theory of evolution which involved cataclysmic disasters as major factors in our development . . . in addition to Sheldrake there was also Prince Peter Kroptokin, Tielhard de Chardin, Dr. James Lovelock, Lamarck, Dr. Gregory Bateson and Henry Bergson who all proposed theories of evolution different than Darwin’s. After he finished, and there was a lull in the conversation, I asked him what that had to do with whether Tyra Banks was a lesbian or not, (which is what we had been discussing at the time) he answered: “Everything is connected, asshole.” He might be right.

The museum itself is intended as a surreal experiment in cognitive dissonance, by showing things like T-Rex’s and human children playing hopscotch together, but the actual lessons of the First Church Of The Wholly Chao will be implanted in a more subtle manner: pamphlets.

The pamphlets will be handed out by a Discordian agent outside who will be continually ‘asked to leave’ and escorted from the premises, only to sneak back on again. That Discordian agent? Yours truly. A bona fide double agent.

I have a big problem, though, Hoopla . . . these Last Thusradyite people from the First Church Of The Wholly Chao . . . they’re chiseling me out of pay . . . I’ve been here for two months now, moving around styrofoam rocks, polishing stegasaurus statues, handing out pamphlets and whatnot, but have yet to get paid a red cent. Everytime I ask for my paycheck they keep telling me I haven’t put in a full week of work yet. Their reasoning is since Eris only created the world last Thursday that means I haven’t worked a full week yet . . . I’m down to my last pair of clean-ish gitch, Hoopla . . . can you send some? Any kind will do, even Underoos.