Some hopefully insightful, mostly mundanely boring, thoughts and experiences of this young woman. Big Break hasn't panned out yet....but forging on, knowing that at least 5 people like me, hey, its about quality, not quantity right?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I'm currently trying to de-frag my laptop because it is so damn slow, and then rip some cd's so that I can sell them so that I'll hopefully have enough money to prevent overdrawing my checking account. Good times. My goal was to be fabricing my walls today, but that is just going to have to wait I guess.

Boy, I feel I was quite nuerotic in my last post, clearly I don't get out much. Actually, I do get out a fair amount. Clearly I haven't had a date in far too long. Even a crush would be good for me.

Hooray, onto 3% defragged, this is going to take a while.

I wish I could de-frag my brain, perhaps it would run more smoothly and be less -fragmented-.

Friday, November 07, 2008

So yeah, I'm kinda petty about stupid things, I never said I wasn't weird, or petty. I may in fact be one of the most petty people I know, the stupidest things make me angry. I get angry when people are trying to be nice to me, depending on what they are being nice about of course (like telling me my lunch looks good), which is just weird and I'm sure means I'm mentally ill in some way. Please still be nice to me since general run of the mill niceness still makes me happy, and even if the niceness does make me angry I will just dwell and fester in silence, unless I internally snap, in which case someone will receive my wrath.I forewent exercise last night in favor of going out for happy hour with best co-worker friend who got sacked and whose last day is today. I porked out. I had beer (2) AND pizza AND wings. I was going to exercise, but I didn't have time to grab my gym clothes, and the gym was right across the street from the restaurant and it seemed silly to walk ALL the way home (3 1/2 blocks) in the drizzle just to get my gym clothes and then walk ALL the way back to the gym. Plus I was a little tipsy and smoking a cigarette sounded way more appealing than trying to manuever the elliptical while tipsy.Well, I really thought this was going to be my year, the year that I win at McDonald's monopoly. I got off to a good start... the first day of monopoly we had a coffee crisis at the office in that we were out of coffee. This obviously, would not do, so myself and a co-worker volunteered to go to McDonald's (there is one in the hospital) to get several large coffees, all of which had the stickers. I proceeded to steal all the stickers, approx. 16. Then co-workers started giving me their stickers as I assumed the role of Monopoly Master. I believe that they assumed I would share any winnings I might receive with them, unbeknownst to them I planned to secretly hoard and enjoy any wealth selfishly, as is my nature. However, monopoly has come to an end, another year has gone by with my student loans being just as high as before (curse private colleges).Speaking of mental illness, I find myself actually looking forward to winter this year. Maybe it is due to living in a house which gives me this cozy mental image of comfort. I find myself visiting the Martha Stewart website a bit more often these days, searching out delectible fall delights to bake, or craft ideas on how to dress up a cornucopia for an eye pleasing display. This is quite a shift from last year, when I was deep in my funk and staring into the black hole of winter with a feeling of despair. Combination of feeling that the past year of my life invested in culinary school had been a waste...both financially and timewise, and let's see, experiencing cripplingly low self esteem because of a stupid boy of course. Him being the reason I am in need of a cute boyfriend, since according to facebook (Facebook is so evil sometimes), he will be coming to MN for a visit in Dec. The pathetic synopsis of our "relationship" in case anyone cares...we "casually" dated for 3 months, I got the "I can't be in a relationship right now because I just broke up with my girlfriend of several years blah blah blah blah (or insert other excuse here), but I really really like you and really want to spend time with you but we have to keep it 'casual', exept I'll totally act like you are my girlfriend, until you expect me to treat you with common human decency in which case I will be an asshole and remind you that we are not 'in a relationship' which OF COURSE excuses my behavior of treating you not only as lesser than someone that I claim to like and want to date, but worse than my worse enemy" (phew, no bitterness here, really). I of course fall for this because I have low self esteem and the boy is cute and smart and funny and reads and appears to like me just enough to keep me in his clutches. In this particular case, the boy was planning on going to grad school in mere months after we started dating so I knew it would come to an end, I however, didn't know he would become just distant enough in the weeks prior to leaving to keep me hanging, becoming completely confused, self esteem rapidly waning and ultimately resulting in feeling pathetic and desperate. The culmination of our time together was him making plans with me the weekend prior to him leaving for the east coast, him not calling me to even break the plans like a decency would expect, but no, him just plain not calling me ever again, no goodbyes, no nothing. Then I of course spiral into what is wrong with me that this keeps happening to me (cause it certainly isn't the first time I've been bamboozled by a boy). And of course I hear through the grapevine a mere 2 1/2 months later that he has a GIRLFRIEND. Of course he would meet someone who he would deem worthy of GIRLFRIEND status so soon, and how could I have fallen for the B.S. of "I'm just not ready to be serious" except in 2 months I will have a capital G GIRLFRIEND, and then in another few months will move in with her. This also tends to happen, the boy who gives me the "I can't be in a relationship" excuse then gets into an immediate relationship with the next girl that he starts dating instantaneously after he rips my heart from my chest, blood still fresh on his hands. Really, I only wish happiness...so glad that he is able to move on so quickly...I'm so totally not bitter.Meanwhile, pickings are slim in the love arena for me, I mean, I'm 29, most eligible bachelors are hitched or in serious relationships already, and the rest appear to be idiotic douchebags. If I wait it out a few years though I'll be able to snatch up the divorcees.Ah, I know, I shouldn't take this as a negative reflection on me but I just can't help it, it's the dysthymia! So that on top of feeling like the biggest loser (not weight wise, unfortunately), because I had just wasted a year of my life and several thousands of dollars on schooling for a career that generally pays peanuts, well, I was in full funk mode. I'm better now. A year ago an impending visit from said boy would have sent me spiraling, but I only care a little now (can't you tell?, no really, I SO just barely care, for real, I mean just cause I spent an hour writing about it doesn't mean I care), and while I'm certainly not going to be seeing the, as you will, ex non-boyfriend, it would still be nice to have an attractive lad on my arm when he is in relative close proximity.I also have recently discovered that most of the nurses I work with are on anti-depressants. Makes me reconsider going on them again since it is apparently the thing to do these days.I am certain this time that I definitely have mouth cancer and will have to have a chunk of my face surgically removed, then I certainly won't get a date.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

We aren't supposed to be "fat-talking" here at work, but I am, my friends, large and in charge. I haven't weighed myself in the past couple weeks (scale went -very slightly- down last time I did), however I have been porking out on candy and baked goods, as if there is literally no tomorrow which will bring more candy/baked goods. Exercise? P-shaw! I've conveniently given myself some "time off" because I feel I deserved it after being so busy last week preparing for our party. I believe I just hit rock bottom by eating a pumpkin cream cheese swirl brownie that had gone bad, and yet I continued to eat it. Hardly anyone ate the baked goods that I spent damn near an entire day baking for our party so I've been trying to unsuccessfully get rid of them here and there. I'm frankly, a little hurt. I mean, my co-workers will eat pretty much anything unhealthy no matter how disgusting it may be or look. I brought in multitudes of cupcakes ("creepcakes"), and they are going rather slowly, most of them don't even look gross or taste that bad!! Just a little old and dry maybe. I guess that teaches me to over-extend myself with the baking.

One of my pet peeves here at work is how much people take interest in what I'm eating for lunch. I could care less what other people are eating unless I'm going to head to the same cafeteria and want to see what they are serving for the day. Meanwhile, my co-workers need to get all up in my tonsil and be like "oh, that's weird" or "that looks good" or "that smells good, what do you have". Today I had a f**cking fake chicken patty on 2 slices of bread with some garlic (target brand mind you, nothing terribly fancy) mayo and a (pre-sliced) slice of havarti cheese. Can I eat my f**cking chicken patty in peace without someone saying "oh, that smells good, what do you have" and I have to be like a f**cking fake chicken patty that I just microwaved and slapped on some bread with some cheese and mayo. I don't know why, but it makes me almost livid with annoyance and frustration when people comment or ask me about my lunch. Other things at work make me well up in anger almost to the point of exploding such as last week, when I left the office for about an hour to run an errand. While I was gone our volunteer (Charlie Kaufman's Father in Law), came. He is a sweet 76 year old man who hobbles around on a cane and is very petite. I return to the office, and head back to my cube only to discover that my chair is gone. It is being used by George. My Co-worker TOOK MY CHAIR when she knew I would be back shortly. Lest I sound like an asshole for being upset that she gave my chair to an old man to use, be aware that there were THREE UN-USED CHAIRS IN THE NEAR VICINITY (like really near, closer than my cubicle). I mean un-used! As in NOBODY was going to sit in them at all during that particular day, yet she takes my chair that I have adjusted to my liking and am accustomed to sitting in and gives it to George. This is the same co-worker that asks me about my lunch damn near every day. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have it out for me so it was just pure lack of reasoning skills that inspired her to abdicate my chair from it's rightful placement instead of something like spite. Then, THEN, out of pure frustration and anger and principle I "became the bad guy" and ASKED AN OLD MAN to get up from my chair so I could replace it with an un-used one. Then my other co-worker proceeded to push my buttons and guilt trip me about asking George to switch chairs. This whole scenario from start to finish made me very angry and caused me to snap...and yell and give the silent treatment. I was also very tired because I had spent the entire day prior baking cupcakes that nobody ended up eating.

Our party was a smashing success, I think anyways. Lot's of people, house looked pretty great for the most part, people seemed to have a good time, great costumes, etc. I did indeed manage to pull my boy george costume together in time and think I did a pretty decent job at it.

About Me

Just a mid-size town girl trying to make her way in the great metropolis of Minneapolis. Hoping the thirties will bring a greater sense of self and well being, and perhaps more financial stability...so far no such luck.