So, Nine Inch Nails "Closer" just came on my playlist, and oh, how I loved that song when it came out. Which happened to be when I was in college in Utah.

I really struggled when I first moved to Utah in the early 90s because - while I was a devoted Mormon lady - I grew up in the 'mission field.' (Translation: outside of Utah or the suburbs of Phoenix/Boise.) My family was old school LDS, but I was one of the only Mormon kids at my school and I really liked music, regardless of the lyrics being naughty (And sometimes because of the lyrics being naughty.)

SIDE STORY: remind me to tell y'all one time about picking "Father Figure" to dance to with my dadat a church dance, because when I was 14 I was an idiot and didn't know what the song was about. OH MY GOD, I am laughing so hard right now thinking of how that was the most awkward daddy-daughter waltz OF ALL TIME. I was such an idiot child. Hoo boy, that's a great and embarrassing story right there.

BACK TO TRENT REZNOR. Head Like A Hole was my "closing out my senior year of high school" jam, and I've loved him ever since. Words are words, you know? Dirty words, I mean, not like slurs or something. So the song is "I want to fuck you like an animal" and everyone's been copying that video of his ever since because it is AWESOME and yeah. I liked that song.

So I'm in Utah, on a drive through SLC with my BFF Chrissy and our "guy gang," who the two of us were completely in love with. They were not in love with us, they just enjoyed hanging with C and I because we're delightful company. :) We had this big hiking/camping weekend planned in Big Cottonwood Canyon and I had the car we all fit in. So I had it on SLC's awesome radio station (which, isn't that surprising? SLC had AMAZING radio stations) but the song was - of course - edited for the radio.

"I wanna [no sound] you like an animal..." etc. And I'm chair dancing and singing along as I have this car full of boys I'm crushing on, and they all get quiet. After say, the second time the chorus comes around one of them says quietly (but firmly), "Laura? How about we change this, please?" Like, "The power of Christ compels you?"

And I felt such shame in that moment, because I was singing about dirty dirty sex and these boys were all return missionaries and I wanted them to like me, and they clearly did not think I was worthy. And I changed it. UGH.

Another point in time, I was walking with two of these same guys to our Honors Society meeting (like that back door brag I slipped in?) and I had on a pair of jean cut shorts that used to be my old boyfriend's. They were so cool at the time: Girbaud jeans (lol) that he'd drawn all over. He's an amazing pop artist, so they were totally unique, baggy in the best way, and they came to my knees. (This is '92 - '93, btw.) I had a shirt that was fitted with a scoop neck and regular tee shirt sleeves.

Um, I was built like a brick shit-house at the time of this story. 36-25-37, and well-toned from all of the hiking/climbing/etc. that I was doing regularly. I have nice cans. They're not massive like the rest of the women in my family, but it's a good rack. And the shirt was tight. I could breathe, you couldn't track the blood flowing through my veins, nothing like that, but you know - a fitted gee dee shirt with a scoop neck.

And one of the boys refused to look at me as we walked to class. Like all nervous and stuff. And I thought I looked so nice that day with my cute sandals and my head band holding back my sun-kissed and long hair. And finally this boy looked at me, glanced at my chest and snapped his eyes back to the front and said, "Oh, Laura." Like I was naked, or something. Like, how dare I have a woman's body?

(It was really weird in Utah; there were two body types: sturdy or waifish. There was no in between. And I'm Southern. Moreover, I'm Texan. We build girls with butts and boobs down here. And...the men -and some ladies- like it. So while I had low self-esteem, I knew that my body wasn't disgusting, or anything like that.)

For the rest of the time that I lived in Utah, I absolutely struggled to have dates. Ugh, they made me feel so bad about myself, like it was wrong to be happy that I was shaped the way I was.

There's a part of me that wants to take a picture of my boobs in my sexiest bra and spam their facebook walls with them. Hahaha.

Ahem.

In our next installment, I'll tell you all about listening to The Chronic and Snoop Dogg (with Warren G) while living with hippies in the Grand Tetons. :D GOOD TIMES. (Also: screw you and your gee dee balancing sticks and hairy armpits, bitchy girl that always sniffed at me when I was playing this in MY OWN DORM.)

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.