Just the thing for every family's living room

Once upon a time, when dragons roamed freely, the petticoated young of this isle enjoyed nothing more than dancing around a maypole with wide-eyed and ribbony joy. Today, that innocence lies in tatters, as we prepare for the arrival of maypole dancing's sinister cousin: Peekaboo pole-dancing. Yes, family grocer Tesco is now selling the Peekaboo pole-dancing kit alongside trampolines and skipping ropes on its website.

What precisely is the Peekaboo pole-dancing kit? For the princely sum of £49.97, expect a 8ft 6in pole and a "sexy garter", plus an instructional DVD and book, showing you how to replicate moves such as The Thigh's the Limit, The Booty Shake and Going Down in the comfort of your own home/playground/sandpit. "Unleash the sex kitten inside ..." advises the website. "Simply extend the Peekaboo pole inside the tube, slip on sexy tunes and away you go! Soon you'll be flaunting it to the world and earning a fortune in Peekaboo Dance Dollars."

You may well be outraged by the idea of your teenage daughter flaunting it to the world. Even though Tesco claims the kit is aimed at 16-pluses, you may point out that Britain has the highest rate of underage pregnancy in Europe. But really, what greater gift could a parent give their child? Sod piano lessons - the Peekaboo pole-dancing kit will prepare your little angel for the real world, where capitalism reigns supreme and a woman can get anything she wants, so long as she's wearing a sexy garter and knows how to writhe around a chrome pole. Bring it on, Tesco, - and why not give us a Spearmint Rhino next to the deli counter?