The Black Sheep

I’m U of M’s Benedict Arnold

I’ve turned Benedict Arnold on the A2 (Arrogant Assholes) in A2 (Ann Arbor). I am a transfer student from the most boring and dull excuse for a college in the history of higher education. While I’ve only been in East Lansing for a short period of time, I knew on day one that MSU was a shit-ton better than U of M. East Lansing is full of interesting, gorgeous people who know how to have fun; which was a nice change of pace from the zombies walking around their precious “Diag.” There are a few interesting tidbits that the dickheads at UM like to keep secret, but I might as well go Full Benedict and share what I know.

The orientation to U of M is unlike any other kind of orientation. On the first day, each new student is taught how to stick their head so far up their ass—past the silver spoon of course—that it could never be pulled out. Then the slapdicks are brought into a giant room where they have large speakers set up that blast “You are better than everyone!” on repeat. A few hours of brainwashing later and out walks a class of delusional students who think they go to an Ivy League school and boo their own team because they have zero school spirit (unlike the millions of redneck Walmart Wolverines, who wear Michigan shit religiously, but couldn’t get into Wayne County Community College). The University of Michigan is like a giant animal that swallows up those who are dumb enough to actually apply, and after a few short years, shits them out covered in U of M gear babbling about their lives as Wolverines.

Part of the Kool-Aid that all students must drink is a heavy serving of nostalgia. The University of Living in the Past relies heavily on how much they have achieved over the span of 50 years instead of what they have done lately (which is nothing). It is interesting, though, that a school which prides itself on its past doesn’t bring up the fact it gave Ted Kaczynski a PhD just before he became a serial mass murderer known as the Unabomber. Any “true” Michigan fan will turn a deaf ear to that tasty nugget of knowledge, and switch the topic to sports. Hearing a Michigan fan talk about how great their football team is– which is made-up bullshit– and how great they were would drive any person insane and begging for mercy. The current roster of Wolverines is a mix of 10th-string backups from other schools and whoever they could hand a flyer out to in time for the first practice. They may have won a few championships during the Great Depression, but in the past 50 years the Wolverines have been about as frightening as a faint fart.

One of the requirements for admission into the shit hole that is U of M is that all students must have the personality of a wet cardboard box. This personality requirement is to supplement the brainwashing, so upon graduation, the student will have nothing in their life but Maize and Blue horseshit. If the student has a halfway intelligent, semi-interesting personality, they would never buy into the idea that Michigan students are better than everyone else. That is why the application is so long, because anyone with a life would see the number of essays and questions on the Michigan Common App and drop the idea of going there like a bad habit. Claiming to be great is their idea of a life. Talking about Michigan is their idea of a personality. How many U of M students does it take to throw a party? Don’t hold your breath, they have to look up “party” in the dictionary first.

The biggest, and best, difference will be the feeling of sitting in a winning student section this season, and the look on the scared little Walmart Wolverines when they enter the coliseum that is Spartan Stadium. And when they look up at the scoreboard after they have been verbally and physically abused on (and off) the field, they will see us standing there, middle fingers high and a booming chant of “Asshole!” in their direction.