A Talking Dog

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

Three racehorses were in the stable waiting for the big race. Trying to psych each other out, they began bragging.First horse, 'I've been in 38 races and have only lost twice.'Second horse, 'Well, I've been in 47 races and have never lost.'Third horse, 'Huh, I've never lost either and I even beat Secretariat twice.'Just then, they heard a chuckle by the stable door, and there was a greyhound dog walking up to them.The greyhound said, 'That's nothing. I've been in over 200 races and have won every one by at least 3 lengths.'First horse, 'Wow! That's amazing - a talking dog!'

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Astronauts

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

How do you get an astronaut baby to sleep? Rocket

What should an astronaut do when he gets dirty? Take a meteor shower

What did the astronaut get when the rocket fell on his foot? Mistletoe

What did the astronaut think of the restaurant on the moon? He thought the food was fine but there wasn't much of an atmosphere

What did the astronaut see on the stove? An unidentified frying object

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar

What do you call an astronaut's watch? A lunar-tick

Where do astronauts keep their sandwiches? In their launch boxes

Why don't astronauts relate well to other people? They are not always down-to-earth

Atoms

Two atoms were walking down the sidewalk and suddenly one slips off the curb and says "Oh no, I've lost my electron!"The other atom says "Are you sure?"1st atom says "Yes, I'm positive!"

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Blind Pilots

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other andsays, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!

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Books Never Written

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

'Under the Grand Stands' by Seymor Buts

'To the Outhouse' by Willie Maket, illustrated by Betty Wont

'How to Survive a Bear Attack' by Ben Eaton

'Walking to School' by Misty Bus

'How to Check a Pulse' by Izzy Dead

'Where Have All the Animals Gone?' by Darin Dabarn

'The Yellow River' by I.P. Daily

'Over the Mountaintop' by Hugo First

'The Numbers Game' by Cal Q. Later

'Rusty Bed Springs' by I.P. Freeley

'Falling Off a Cliff' by Eileen Dover

'The Joys of Drinking' by Al Coholic

'My Life with Igor' by Frank N. Stein

'Supporting Athletes' by Jacques Strappe

'I Was Prepared' by Justin Case

'Green Spots on the Wall' by Picken and Flicken

'Caulking Made Easy' by Phil McKrevis

'The Future of Robotics' by Cy Borg and Anne Droid

'What to Do if You're in a Car Accident' by Rhea Ender

'Breathing Lessons' by Hal E. Tosis

'Why Should I Walk?' by Iona Carr

'Deep in Debt' by Owen A. Lott

'Taking Tests' by B.A. Wiseman

'Pie' by Don Cherry

'Computer Memory' by Meg A. Byte

'Gotta Go' by C. U. Later

'How to Serve Your Fellow Man' by The Cannibals

'The Membership List' by Ross Terr

'The Giant Clock Tower' by 'Big' Ben

'All About Flowers' by Chris Anthymum

'Boy Scout Brigade' by Pat Troll

'The Lost Scout' by Werram Eye

'Late for Work' by Dr. Wages

'Ten Years in the Bathtub' by Rink Lee Prune

'How to Eat Cereal' by Poor A. Bowl

'Smelly Stuff' by Anita Bath

'Technology in the 21st Century' by Rob Ott

'A Safe Hitchiker's Guide' by Ren Tacar

'Things Women Can't Do' by B. A. Mann

'The Art of Being Discreet' by Anonymous

'Bubbles in the Bath' by Ivor Windybottom

'Microsoft Business Practices' by Eve Hill

'Gotta Go Again' by D. I. Aria

'Interesting Places Around The World' by Ben There & Don That

'101 Ways To Die' by Sue I. Cide

'Household Book of Tools' by M.C. Hammer

'Paris Monuments' by I. Phil Taurer

'The Bearded Chinaman' by Harry Chin

'How to Exercise' by Eileen and Ben Dover

'Magical Bed Wettings' by Peter Pants

'101 Ways to Diet' by I. M. Hungry

'Getting Fired' by Anita Job

'Great Restaurants' by Bo Leamick

'Crossing a Man with a Duck' by Willie Waddle

'A Sailor's Adventure' by Ron A. Ground

'Green Vegetables' by Brock Ali

'Raise Your Arms' by Harry Pitt

'Long Walk Home' by Miss. D. Bus

'Sitting on the Beach' by Sandy Cheeks

'Window Coverings' by Kurt and Rod

'Wheels in China' by Rick Shaw

'How To Dance' by Sheik Yerbouti

'Something Smells' by I. Ben Pharting

'I.Q. Competitions' by Samar T. Pants

'Depressing Jobs' by Paul Bearer

'The Skyline' by Bill Ding

'My Life as a Gas Station Attendant' by Phil R. Awp

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Buffalo

Intended for:

Cub Scouts

Joke:

(These are just alternative forms of dumb Elephant jokes. See the Elephant Jokes collection.)

Cub 1: How can you tell if a buffalo is under your sleeping bag?Cub 2: The ceiling of your tent is very close.

Cub 1: What do you find between the hooves of buffaloes?Cub 2: Slow buffalo hunters.

Cub 1: What do you get when you cross peanut butter with a buffalo?Cub 2: You either get peanut butter that roams the range or a buffalo that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Cub 1: How can you tell a buffalo from a field mouse?Cub 2: Try to pick it up. If you can't, it's either a buffalo or a very overweight mouse.

Cub 1: What time is it when a buffalo sits in your canoe?Cub 2: Time to get a new canoe.

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Collection of Puns

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

Hickory Daiquiri: One doctor always stopped at a local bar after work for a hazelnut daiquiri - a special drink the bartender created just for him. One day, the bartender ran out of hazelnut flavor so he substituted hickory nuts instead. The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 'This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!' 'No, I'm sorry', replied the bartender, 'it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.'

Too Tense: A guy goes to a psychiatrist. 'Doc, I keep having these two dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?' The doctor replies: 'You gotta relax. You're two tents.'

Mathematics: An Indian chief had three wives, all of which gave birth. The first had a boy and the chief built her a teepee of deer hide. The second also had a boy and the chief built her a teepee of antelope hide. When the third gave birth, the chief built her a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. 'Correct,' said the chief. 'How did you figure it out?' The warrior answered, 'It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.'

What do you get when you run in front of a car? TIRED

What do you get when you run behind a car? EXHAUSTED

Carrion: A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall? DAM

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Chess Nuts: A chess tournament was in being held and contestants from around the world were in the lobby of the hotel bragging about other tournaments they had won. After awhile, the hotel manager came out of the office and asked them to please leave. 'But why?' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because', he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

Twins: A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal' while the other goes to a family in Spain and they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

Florist Friars: A group of friars from the monastery opened a florist shop to raise funds. A rival florist saw his business drop significantly. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh O'Reilly, the toughest thug in town to convince the friars to close down. Hugh beat up the friars and ruined their flowers, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, proving that 'only Hugh can prevent florist friars'.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him: A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A mushroom walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a soda. The waiter says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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Cow

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs? A: Lean Beef

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground Beef

Q: Why did the cow cross the road? A: It was the chicken's day off.

Q: A totally black cow was standing in the middle of the road. A man was cruising around a corner with no headlights on, no dome light, no lights on at all. He slams on the brakes at just the right time to miss the cow. How did the guy see the cow? A: It was daytime.

Q: What day do cows dread? A: MOO-nday

Q: What does a cow clean her kitchen with? A: MOOp and Glow

Q: What does a cow get paid for her labor? A: MOOney

Q: Where does a cow go on vacation? A: MOOntana or COWifornia

Q: What is a cow's favorite rock band? A: MOOtley Crue

Q: What type of car does an average cow drive? A: A MOOdel T or a MOOstang

Q: What kind of car does a rich cow drive? A: a Cattelac.

Q: Who is a cow's favorite former Vice President? A: Walter MOOndale

Q: What is a cow's favorite school subject? A: COWculus

Q: How does a cow keep track of her appointments? A: She checks her COWander

Q: What is an unusually stupid cow called? A: A MOOron.

Q: Where do the cows go on Saturday night? A: To the MOOvies.

Q: Where do cows go when they get married? A: On a honeyMOOn

Q: What do you call a cow that works for a gardener? A: a lawn MOOer

Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work.

Q: What do you get when you have a cow and a duck? A: Milk and Quackers

Q: How did the cowboy count his cows? A: With a COWculator.

Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A: a Milk Dud

Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow? A: Milk of Amnesia

Q: Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon? A: The farmer had cold hands.

Q: What do you call a cow that just had a calf? A: De-CALF-enated.

Q: What does a cow ride when his car is broken? A: a COW-askai MOO-torcycle.

Q: What did they play at the cow's birthday? A: MOO-sical chairs.

Q: Why did the farmer give his cow a pogo stick? A: He wanted a milk shake.

Q: How do you get a cow to stop charging? A: Take away its credit card.

Two cows were standing in a field. The first says, 'Moooo'. The second says, 'Hey! I was just about to say the same thing.'

Two cows walk into a bar.First cow says, "Hey, have you heard about all that mad cow disease going around?"Second cow says, "Yeah I have, so what?"First cow says, "Well, aren't you afraid you might catch it?"Second cow says, "No, not me. I'm a duck!"

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Cub Scout Jokes

Intended for:

Cub Scouts

Joke:

Q: When is a cub scout like a cabinetA: When he is a cub-bored (cupboard).

Q: What do you call a cub scout holding a Frisbee?A: A cub and saucer!

Q: What do you call a cub scout who carries another cub scout on his shoulders?A: A taxi cub!

Q: How does a taxi cub move?A: Low-cub motion!

Q: How did the cub scout look when he forgot to take his jacket on the mountain hike?A: Blue and cold! (blue and gold)

Q: What did the cub scout bake den treats?A: Cub-cakes!

Q: What do cub scouts get during winter camp? A: Cub-in fever!

Q: What's a messy cub scout's favorite food?A: Corn on the Cub!

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Elephant

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?A: So they can hide in cherry trees.Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?A: (they will say NO). Works, doesn't it?!Q: How do you know there have been elephants in the fridge?A: There's footprints in the butter.Q: Why do elephants paint their ears yellow?A: That's not paint, its butter.Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, blue, green, orange, yellow, and brown?A: So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.Q: How did the pygmie break his back?A: He tried to carry a bag of M&Ms home from the store.

Q: Why is it dangerous to walk in the jungle between 3 and 4 in the afternoon?A: That's when the elephants jump out of the trees.Q: Why are pygmies so small?A: They walked in the jungle between 3 and 4 in the afternoon.

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?A: Parachute him from an airplane.Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 1 and 2 in the afternoon?A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?A: To fit on lily pads.Q: Why isn't it safe to walk on the lily pads between 4 and 5 in the afternoon?A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.Q: Why are frogs such good jumpers?A: So they can walk on the lily pads between 4 and 5 in the afternoon.

Q: How do you get two elephants in a pickup truck?A: One in the cab, one in the back.Q: How do you get two mice in a pickup truck?A: You can't ... it's full of elephants.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?A: From stomping out forest fires!Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?A: From stomping out burning ducks!

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants running through the jungle?A: 'Here come the elephants running through the jungle!'Q: Why did the elephants wear sunglasses?A: So Tarzan wouldn't recognize them.Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants running through the jungle?A: Nothing. He didn't recognize them with their sunglasses on.Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of giraffes in the distance?A: 'Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!'Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?A: An elephant is grey.Q: What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants in the distance?A: 'Look! A herd of plums in the distance' (Jane is color blind)

Q: Why do cub scouts run so fast in the forest at night?A: To escape the elephants swinging through the trees.Q: What's that yucky stuff between the elephant's toes?A: Slow cub scouts!

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is under your bed?A: The ceiling is very close!Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed?A: He has a big 'E' on his pajamas jacket pocket.Q: How do you tell an elephant from a field mouse?A: Try to pick it up, If you can't, it's either an elephant or a very overweight field mouse.Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in the refrigerator?A: Footprints in the Jell-O.Q: How can you tell if there are 2 elephants in the refrigerator?A: You can't shut the door!Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?1. Open door.2. Insert elephant.3. Close door.

Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?1. Open door.2. Remove elephant.3. Insert giraffe.4. Close door.Q: The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in thejungle, and they all came except one. Which one?A: The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOOQ: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen?A: 2 in the front and 2 in the backQ: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?A: There's a VW parked outside it.Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW discover?A: The sun roof.Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?A: Wet.Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?A: One by one.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?A: There's no such thing as yellow elephants.

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?A: Because it was dead.Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?A: It was glued to the first one.Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?A: It thought it was a game.Q: And why did the tree fall down?A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?A: So that they don't sink in the sand.Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?A: Deadant, Deadant, Deadant! (sung to Pink Panther tune).Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a live ant on the road?A: He stomped on it and then said 'Deadant, Deadant, Deadant!'.

Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?A: He didn't want to sink in the hot chocolate.Q: How do elephants keep in touch over long distances?A: They make trunk calls.Q: What's red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside?A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him 'lunch'.Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?A: Have you ever tried to iron one?Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?A: Chicken's day off.Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?A: Optimistic!Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?A: Free Parking.Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?A: Sole use of the elevator.Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the bar?A: It's bike is outside.Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the bar?A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas,.....Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pinksweatshirts?A: They're all on the same team.Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?A: Take away his credit card.Q: Why do elephants have trunks?A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?A: Lots of room.Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?A: An elephant with spare partsQ: What's grey and puts out forest fires?A: Smokey the Elephant.Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?A: You miss most of the picture!Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk. Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage? A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?A: Cinderelephant.

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?A: 6:15PM (trick question!)

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?A: With a blue elephant gun.Q: How do you shoot a white elephant?A: Hold his nose until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

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Frog Collection

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

How deep is Frog Lake?Knee-deep, knee-deep!

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful Princess.' The boy picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog said, 'Hey, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I'll love you forever.' The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back in his pocket.

The frog yelled, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll clean your house, cook for you, and love you forever.' The boy took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back.

Finally the frog asked, 'What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll cook and clean for you and love you forever. Why won't you kiss me?'

The boy said, 'Look, I'm a cub scout. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.

The librarian is working away when a chicken enters the library and walks up to her desk. The chicken clucks, 'Book, book, book, BOOK!'

The librarian sets a pile of four books in front of the chicken. The chicken grabs them and disappears out the front door.

About an hour later, the librarian sees the same chicken come into the library. It sets the four books down on the desk and again squawks, 'Book, book, book, BOOK!'

The librarian wonders what the chicken is doing with these books, but since they seem to be in fine shape, she takes the returns and gives the chicken 4 more books. The chicken zips out the door and down the road.

Another hour passes and the librarian hears a loud 'Book, book, book, BOOK!' She looks up from her work and sees the chicken back yet again! By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her. She gives the chicken four more books and it heads for the door. This time, as soon as the chicken is gone, the librarian jumps up and runs to the door. She follows the chicken down the road for a half mile to an old farm. The chicken ducks through the fence and disappears into a cluster of trees.The librarian hops the fence, and sneaks up to the trees. As she moves some branches aside, she sees the chicken standing by a pond handing each book to a frog. As the frog looks at the cover of each book, he says, 'Read It. Read It. Read It. ...'

Two frogs sitting on a lily pad when a fly came buzzing by. One frog put out his tongue, ate the fly, and started laughing. Soon the other frog joined in the laughter.

Then the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so much they nearly fell off their lily pad laughing.

A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what was so funny. The first frog answered 'Time.' 'Huh?' asked the third frog. The second frog explained: 'Time's fun when your having flies.'

Once upon a time, there was a little green frog who had a very big mouth.

The frog was hopping down the road when he met a cat. He looked at the cat and then shouted, 'CAT! WHAT DO YOU EAT?'The cat replied, 'I drink milk,' and returned to cleaning its whiskers. The little frog said, 'OH! THAT'S NICE!' and continued down the road.

Then he met a dog. 'DOG!' shouted the frog, 'WHAT DO YOU EAT?' The dog said, 'I eat meat.'The frog shouted, 'OH! THAT'S NICE!' and continued down the road.

He met a cow grazing along the road and, even though the answer was obvious, the big-mouthed frog shouted, 'COW! WHAT DO YOU EAT?'The cow blinked and said, 'Why, I eat grass, obviously.'The frog shouted happily, 'OH! THAT'S NICE!' and continued down the road.

He found a large snake coiled in the center of the road and shouted, 'SNAKE! WHAT DO YOU EAT?'The snake hissed and looked at him before replying, 'I eat little frogs with big mouths.'The frog blinked, then whispered in a very small voice, 'Oh... that's nice.'

Why are frogs so happy? They eat watever bugs them!

What does a frog wear on St. Patrick's day? Nothing!

What did the frog dress up as on Halloween? A prince.

What car does a frog drive? a Beetle

What's green and jumps? A frog!

What's green and red? A very mad frog.

What's green with red spots? A frog with the chicken pox!

What's green with bumps? A frog with the measles!

What's black and white and green? A frog sitting on a newspaper.

What's green and dangerous? A frog with a hand-grenade.

What's white on the outside, and green on the inside? A frog sandwich!

What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog? Hop in!

What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad!

What do frogs do with paper? Rip-it!

What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired? It got toad!!

What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again? A dirty double-crosser!

What is a frogs favorite time? Leap Year!

Why did the frog walk across the road? He didn't... he jumped. Why did the frog cross the road? to see what the chicken was doing. Why did the frog cross the road? Some mean little kid super-glued it to the chicken.

How can you tell if a frog is deaf? You yell 'Free Flies' and he doesn't come.

What do you call a frog with no legs? It doesn't matter- he won't come anyway. What do you call a frog with legs? Dinner.

Why did the frog croak? Because he ate a poisonous fly!

What is a frog's favorite game? Croquette

What did the frog order at McDonald's? French flies and a diet Croak

What happened to the cat and frog when they got run over? The cat still had eight lives, the frog just croaked.

Why did the frog say meow? He was learning a foreign language.

What's red and green and goes 100 miles an hour? A frog in a blender. What do you get if you add milk? Frog nog! What happens if you drink frog nog? You Croak!

Why did the motorcycle rider buy a pet frog? To pick the flies out from between his teeth!

What has more lives that a cat? A frog - he croaks every night.

Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun? He was going to robbit.

Why are frogs such liars? Because they are amFIBians.

A scientist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, 'Jump, frog, jump!' The frog jumped.

The scientist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, 'Frog with four legs jumped siz feet.'

Then he cut the frog's front legs off and ordered, 'Jump, frog, jump!' The frog struggled and jumped.

The scientist noted in his journal, 'Frog with two legs jumped two feet.'

Next, the scientist cut off the frog's back legs. Once more, he shouted, 'Jump, frog, jump!' The frog just lay there.

'Jump, frog, jump!' the scientist repeated. Nothing.

The scientist noted in his journal, 'Frog with no legs is deaf.'

Top 10 Reasons Why It's Great Being a Frog10. Babes are always kissing you because they think you'll turn into a prince.9. Flies in your soup are a bonus.8. You're above toads on the food chain.7. Green goes with absolutely everything!6. Pond Scum is a term of endearment.5. Most restaurants have a 'no croaking' section.4. Amphibians are at a minimum risk of appearing on Geraldo.3. You can scratch hard to reach places with your tongue.2. You can donate your body to science for big bucks!1. It sure beats being a newt.

Why couldn't the snake talk?He had a frog in his throat.

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Halloween

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

Scout 1: What do zombies serve at tea?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: Lady fingers.

Scout 1: What is the one thing that can harm Super-Mummy?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: Crypt-onite

Scout 1: What do ghosts need before they can scare people?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: A Haunting license.

Scout 1: Why did the Invisible Man forfeit the boxing match?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: Because he was a no-show.

Scout 1: Why did the mummy miss the party?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: Because she was all wrapped up in her work.

Scout 1: Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: Because she wanted it engraved.

Scout 1: How did the corpse get out of the coffin?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: It wormed its way free.

Scout 1: What position did the ghost play in the baseball game?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: Fright Field

Scout 1: Why was the archeologist crying?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: Because he wanted his Mummy.

Scout 1: What kind of a ship does a vampire sail?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: A blood vessel.

Scout 1: What do you call a magic competition among witches?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: A spelling bee.

Scout 1: What has fur, howls at the moon, and is easy to clean?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: A Wash-and-Werewolf.

Scout 1: Who do monsters buy their cookies from?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: The Ghoul Scouts.

Scout 1: Why aren't ghosts allowed in beauty parlors?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: Because they're too hair-raising.

Scout 1: Where do monsters swim?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: In Lake Eerie.

Scout 1: What did the ghost's mother say to her son on Halloween night?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: You be scareful out there tonight.

Scout 1: Why couldn't Frankenstein dance?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: He had two left feet.

Scout 1: What did the ghouls eat at the barbecue?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: Handburgers and hot dogs.

Scout 1: What do grave robbers wear in the rain?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: ghoul-oshes.

Scout 1: What do you say to a ghost with three heads?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: Hello, Hello, Hello

Scout 1: What did the little boy ghost eat for lunch?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: a Booloney sandwich.

Scout 1: On which kind of street do ghosts live?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: a Dead End

Scout 1: Who does a ghost love?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: His ghoul friend.

Scout 1: What do you call a witch in poison ivy?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: An Itchy Witchy

Scout 1: Who are the werewolves relatives?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: the Whatwolves and the Whenwolves.

Scout 1: What kind of pet does Dracula have?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: a blood hound.

Scout 1: What kind of hotdogs to ghosts like best?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: Halloweiners

Scout 1: What do you call serious rocks?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: Grave Stones

Scout 1: Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: to give a Screech.

Scout 1: Why did the vampire stop working for 15 minutes?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: it was his coffin break.

Scout 1: Why did Frankenstein's mail rattle?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: it was a chain letter

Scout 1: Why did the vampire get heartburn at lunch?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: He ate a steak sandwich

Scout 1: What instrument does a skeleton play in the band?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: a tromBONE.

Scout 1: What is a vampire's favorite holiday?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: FANGSgiving.

Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day? A: Dayscare centers Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? A: His ghoul friend. Q: What monster flies his kite in a rain storm? A: Benjamin Frankenstein Q: What do ghosts serve for dessert? A: Ice Scream Q: What's a monster's favorite play? A: Romeo and Ghouliet Q: What do witches put on their hair? A: Scare spray Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? A: Bamboo Q: What's a haunted chicken? A: A poultry-geist Q: How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula? A: He has a big D on his pajamas Q: What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster? A: Grandma monster Q: What kind of mistakes do spooks make? A: Boo boos Q: Why do mummies make excellent spies? A: They're good at keeping things under wraps Q: What kind of cereal do monsters eat? A: Ghost-Toasties Q: What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine? A: A wash and wear wolf Q: What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? A: They boo-kle their seatbelts Q: What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? A: Count Duckula Q: Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? A: Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&Ms Q: Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? A: Because everyone was a goblin! Q: How did the ghost patch his sheet? A: With a pumpkin patch. Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween? A: Twick or Tweet Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection? A: Tombstones Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? A: It's good for the bones Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? A: White Pillowcases Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? A: Squash Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? A: Their bats flew away Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school? A: Spelling Q: What does a vampire fear most? A: Tooth decay Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account? A: At a blood bank Q: Where do mummies go for a swim? A: To the dead sea Q: Where does Dracula water ski? A: On Lake Erie Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis? A: A blood vessel Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? A: Pumpkin Pi Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries? A: Because people are dying to get in. Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn't have the guts. Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is? A: She looks at her witch-watch. Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost? A: Don't spook until your spooken to. Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together? A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend! Q: Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? A: They're afraid of flying off the handle!

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Knight

Intended for:

Cub Scouts

Joke:

Scout 1: Where do knights go to grab a bite to eat?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: To an all-knight diner!

Scout 1: Why did every castle have a bank with an automatic teller?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: For making knight deposits.

Scout 1: What did King Arthur listen to every evening at six?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: The knightly news.

Scout 1: Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich?

Scout 2: I don't know.

Scout 1: Because the poor had no money.

Scout 1: What do you call it when all the knights trade places at the round table?

Knock Knock

Knock KnockWho's There?PizzaPizza Who?Pizza on Earth, Good Will to Men.

Knock, KnockWho's There?MurrayMurray Who?Murray Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

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Letter from Scout Camp

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

Dear Mom & Dad,

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Charlie when it happened. Oh yes, please call Charlie's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster got mad at Charlie for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Charlie said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas could blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also, some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Our Scoutmaster is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Travis how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Charlie was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When David dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Raymond and I threw up. Scoutmaster said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Your son

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

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Lost Dog

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

Jim: Why are you crying?Joe: My dog's lost.Jim: Maybe he'll just come home.Joe: No he won't, he's lost.Jim: Well, I'll help you put Lost Dog posters up if you want.Joe: Naw, it wouldn't do any good.Jim: Why not?Joe: My dog can't read!

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Mosquito

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

What is the most religious insect?A mosque-ito!

What flies, bites, and talks in code?A morse-quito!

What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect?The Masked-quito!

What has antlers and sucks blood?A moose-quito!

What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly?You can't zip your mosquito!

Nasty Bug Going Around

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

Last week, I was watching a show on TV about invading space aliens - it was pretty creepy. Then, the doorbell rang so I went to answer it. Standing there was a 6 foot tall mosquito! He grabbed me by the neck, threw me across the room, and then left.The next night, I was playing a video game and the doorbell rang. I answered it and that same six-foot mosquito was there. He punched me in the stomache and then thumped me on the head and left.The third night, the doorbell rang. I slowly opened the door and that mosquito pushed the door open, hit me in both eyes, kicked me in the shin, and body slammed me to the ground then left.The next day, I went to see my doctor and explained everything that had happened. I asked him what I should do.The doctor replied, "Not much you can do. There's just a nasty bug going around."

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Pinewood Derby Top Ten List

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

Top ten signs that dad is taking the Pinewood Derby too seriously:

Dad 'trash talks' the tiger cubs

The Scout gets his first look at the car as he walks to the registration table

Dad keeps referring to it as 'my car'

Car and Driver magazine wants to feature your car on next month's cover

Dad threatens to break the Scout's fingers if he touches it after the wheels are on

Mom asks the Cubmaster to delay the start of the race because "we're still taking bets"

Dad asked Santa for a Pinewood Derby track for Christmas

"What? You mean there are no trophies for the adults?"

Even though he is in the stands, 60' feet away, dad is sure the finish line judge called it wrong

At the end of the race, Dad is the one crying

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Riddles

Intended for:

All Scouts

Notes:

A bunch of silly riddles to ask around the campfire. Be ready to have sticks and dirt tossed at you :-)

Joke:

Q: Why is the little ant always confused? A: Because all his uncles are ants.

Q: What is the best part of a Boxer's joke? A: The PUNCH line.

Q: What kind of house weighs the least? A: A LIGHT house.

Q: Why is a river rich? A: It has two banks.

Q: How many seconds are there in a year? A: 12 - Jan. 2, Feb. 2, Mar. 2, ...

Q: Who sleeps with their shoes on? A: Horses.

Q: Prove that a cat has 3 tails. A: No cat has 2 tails and one cat has one more tail than no cat, so one cat has 3 tails.

Q: What is faster - heat or cold? A: Heat - you can catch cold.

Q: A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many does he have now? A: Nine.

Q: Take 2 apples from 3 apples and what do you have? A: 2 apples.

Q: What word in the dictionary is always spelled wrong? A: WRONG

Q: What question can you never truthfully answer 'Yes'? A: Are you asleep?

Q: Which is the quietest sport? A: Bowling - you can hear a pin drop.

Q: What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in an hour? A: the letter M.

Q: What goes around the world but stays in a corner? A: A postage stamp

Q: What kind of room has no door or windows? A: a mushroom.

Q: What word starts with an 'E' and has only one letter in it? A: an Envelope

Q: Why did the Texan buy a dachshund?A: Because all the other cowboys were saying, 'Get a-long little doggie!'

Q: What does a horse say when he's finished eating his hay?A: Well, that's the last straw!

Q: Why do cowboys always die with their boots on?A: So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket!

Q: How do you find a lost rabbit?A: Make a noise like a carrot

Q: What food can never become the heavyweight champion of the world?A: The lollipop. It always gets licked!

Q: What do you call a cat who eats a lemon?A: A sourpuss!

Q: Where do most outstanding hamburgers end up?A: In the Hall of Flame!

Q: What did the hamburger say to the pickle?A: You're dill-icious!

Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?A: Do-you-think-he-saur-us

Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?A: Do-you-think-he-saur-us-Rex

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Sliced Bananas

Intended for:

All Scouts

Required:

one bananaa sewing needle

Joke:

It's more of a silly magic trick than a joke, but ...

Before the joke, poke the needle through the skin of the banana on the inside of the curve and right on one of the higher ridges that run the length of the banana. Swing the needle back and forth crossways inside the banana so that it cuts through the flesh, but not the skin - this is the tricky part, feeling that you've cut through all the flesh.Repeat this along the length of the banana about every inch. You now have a fancy new pre-sliced banana. The only indication may be a row of little dark spots where the needle was inserted.

The joke is to announce to your group that the grocery store has come out with the coolest thing since sliced bread - sliced bananas! But, these are great because they don't get brown since they're still in their skin.Prove it to them by having someone open your banana and have all the slices fall right out!

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Smoke Signals

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

First: Hey, look way off over there. What's that?Second: Wow, smoke signals!First: What do they say?Second: Help ... my ... blankets ... on ... fire!

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Starry Skies

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

The Scoutmaster and his Tenderfoot son went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the Tenderfoot said, "Dad, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".His Scoutmaster father responded, "I see millions and millions of stars".Tenderfoot Son: "And what does that tell you?"Scoutmaster Dad: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, son?"Tenderfoot Son: "It tells me you forgot to pack the tent again"

Survival Cards

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

The scoutmaster was teaching the scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one young scout raised his hand. "Yes Johnny, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scoutmaster.Johnny replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Johnny?" Johnny answered, "The compass is to find the right direction and the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the scoutmaster."Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"'

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Top 10 Lists

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

10 Reasons I'm a Scouter:10. My basement was empty and needed remodeling anyway.9. I get to wear a cool uniform with a neat hat. 8. I like the smell of calamine lotion. 7. I enjoy going to the bathroom in the woods. 6. I'm in it for the crafts. 5. I'm allergic to household chores. 4. I get to spend quality time with my son and 30 of his closest friends. 3. It's a great way to collect coffee mugs. 2. I needed a tax write off. 1. It only takes an hour each week. 10 Reasons Not to be an Eagle Scout:10. Scout uniform is not a "babe magnet."9. Outdoor latrines have no walls.8. Miss the chance to see every facet of Murphy's law in action on a single campout.7. Avoid flack from your friends for missing whatever goes on during the weekend of your campout.6. Never get to sleep three guys in the same wet sleeping bag.5. Miss the opportunity to spend two months of each summer in your teen years applying every antibiotic cream,lotion and spray offered by the medical world on boils, infections, rashes and poison ivy.4. Avoid continual advice about leadership from Scoutmasters.3. You won't have to make a 7 a.m. campout departure the night after prom.2. Have more time to run with your gang.1. You'll be like the other 98 percent of Scouts!10 Pick-up Lines for Scouts:10. I was going on a hike and my compass led me straight to you. 9. The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes. 8. Baden Powell really was my uncle, honest. 7. It's true; this arrow is a sign for virility. 6. Let's go identify wild plants in the forest. 5. Can I practice giving you CPR? 4. Yes, in fact I do have the Rabbit Raising Merit Badge. 3. Come on, I'll give you a tour of my tent. 2. I know how to tie 27 different knots. Can I tie you...I mean show you? 1. This shirt really is made of polyester, go ahead, you can feel it if you want to.

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Two Cannibals

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

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We Bulls Wobble

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground. But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence. The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.One cow says, "Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?"The two bulls laugh and reply, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

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What Do You Call a Scout

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

What do you call a scout that is... Being towed behind a boat: Skip Hiding in a hole: Phil Sleeping on your porch: Matt Hanging on your living room wall: Art Sleeping in your mail box each month: Bill Camping on the beach: Sandy Flying over the fence: Homer Hiding in a pile of leafs: Russell Floating in the lake: Bob Sitting with a car on his head: Jack Sitting in the sun too long: Wilt Falling in the campfire: Frank Stuck in the latrine: John Throwing up: Ralph Rock climbing: Cliff Struck by lightning: Rod Shaving for the first time: Nick Getting pushed underwater by another scout: Duncan Coming home from camp: Dusty Locked in a bank vault: Rich

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Where is God?

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

There were two young scouts that were twins and they did not quite get the Scout Oath. They stole things, swore, and generally got themselves into trouble around town when they were not on scout outings. Their mother, realizing she needed help, asked the Scoutmaster to talk with them. He agreed and decided to see them one at a time and hopefully get them to understand that they needed to change. He thought he would first get them to see that their actions were sinful.When the first scout arrived, he was sat in a chair and the Scoutmaster, who was a big man with a pretty loud voice asked, "Where is God?" He wanted to get the scout to understand that God is everywhere.The scout's mouth dropped open, but he said nothing. So, the scoutmaster repeated more sternly, "Where is God?"Again, the scout just sat and stared dumbly at the Scoutmaster so he raised his voice and asked a third time, "WHERE IS GOD?"The little scout screamed, jumped up, ran out the door, all the way home, into his room, dove into his closet, and hid under his dirty clothes. And, that's where his brother found him.He asked, "What happened?"The first scout replied, "Man, we are in BIG trouble! God is missing and they think WE took him!"

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Intended for:

All Scouts

Joke:

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Shrek: Urrrrrp - What chicken?

George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees

Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?

Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by

Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost, the chicken would be lost!

Martin Luther King : It had a dream

James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before

Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road