Offline click-bait

It’s difficult being married sometimes. By that, I mean it’s difficult to get it right. You know, like when you’re wife throws you that off-line click bait?

She’ll give you a look, you know the one, that says your about to get lucky and get a sandwich after. The one you use to see when you were dating… even when she was unconscious? Right?

Picture it: The two of you are sitting in the living room enjoying some adult beverages and a 60 episode binge on Netflix. That’s right: it’s Netflix and chill my man. So she gives you that look from across the living room. So now, you’ve got to get up out of your lounge chair and make your way to her separate lounge chair, being careful not to step on one of you seven kids/dogs/cats/iguanas.

So you get to her, and you lean over her. She’s still got that look, so now you’re starting to plan this out, because it could be a while before this kind of luck comes your way. It’s like the Superbowl – you may never get back here again bro. So you’re planning… you’re having thoughts like:

Do I just go right for a boob grab, or is there kissing required?

How am I going to get my leg over the side of this chair without it tipping over?

I wonder if I left the lights on in my car?

Meanwhile, while you’re measuring up the velocity of a leg lift vs. the number of inches the arm of the chair is off the ground like a mfing math major… that look changes to a sly grin, she puts her hand on your chest in a very non-affectionate manner, and proceeds to hand you her empty wine glass because -like click bait- you were drawn in for A but you’re now looking at C and wondering why. That’s off-line click bait.

So there’s only one way to recover from this, right? No – crying is not it. So now you’ve got to begin the negotiation phase, right? Like, explaining you thought you were about to get A and now here C is and you’re feeling kind of left out in the cold. So your grand thought is to negotiate for A by handling C. Tit for tat, pun intended.

So you hit her with the “I’ll get you a refill on that wine, but it’s gonna’ cost you.” Now one of two things happens at this point, and, spoiler alert: neither is good for you.

She’s offended, as in, “am I a piece of meat to you?” offended or to a lesser degree “you can’t just do anything for me without needing something?” offended. You could choose to argue that she was giving you “the look” and it’s on her, but just don’t. Fill the glass if you want to live.

She makes a promise to deliver A if you handle C. Sounds good, but keep in mind there are several built-in clauses that you are contractually obligated to assume, not the least of which is her right to withhold A due to cause… as in because she says so.

So if you’re sitting in the living room and you get the sex and sandwich look, proceed to be a good dude and pull up on her like you’ve been invited to the sex olympics… because results may vary. Just be prepared for C when clicking…