Swine Health Organization declares human terror pandemic alert

Swine Health Organization of World (SHOW) has raised the human terror alert level to 10 from the normal level 9, following rumors that millions of extra pigs may be culled by humans, in addition to over 35 lakh pigs that are slaughtered daily in slaughter houses around the world, as a precautionary measure against fresh outbreak of swine flu.

Yesterday, World Health Organisation (of Humans) (WHO) declared influenza A (H1N1), also known as swine flu, a pandemic and raised the alert level to phase 6. "There is a real possibility that humans may start killing even more pigs as a result of fear generated due to classification of swine flu as global level-6 pandemic." said Dr. Piggetty Pooh, director of SHOW at a news conference today.

"While we do not consider H1N1 virus dangerous enough to cause even a small fraction of overall human deaths from normal diseases like normal flu, malaria, jaundice, TB etc which continue to kill millions of humans every year, the level of hype and panic generated due to alerts issued by WHO is definitely dangerous for us. Human run television channels and newspapers have been infected with over hyped reports of the virus. The spread of fear-mongering by media has now reached pandemic levels. This has created a very dangerous situation for us, since it is highly likely that the panic might spread to owners of pig farms who may start killing us before our actual slaughter due date"

"Usually we are killed because of pork-loving humans. Now we are facing additional threat of being killed because of pig-panicky humans" added Dr. Piggetty Pooh

This is the highest ever human terror alert raised by SHOW and has generated fears that pig specie may be facing extinction. "Our only hope for continued survival on this planet was countries with high number of vegetarians and pork-hating Muslims such as India, a country where we could roam freely on streets without fear of being imprisoned in pig farms. But if the panic of the flu pandemic continues unabated, even Indians may start killing us." said Dr. Ziggy Hog, a biologist working with Swine Survival Society (SSS), an organization dedicated to the prevention of extinction of swines.

But while humans have reacted with abnormal levels of panic despite only few confirmed deaths due to H1N1, the pig population of the world is not taking the heightened human terror alert issued by SHOW very seriously.

Mario Muttonchops, who is being raised in Beverly Hills Pig Farm and faces likely slaughterdom within next few months, brushed off the threat curtly "We are pigs, mate. We are born, we eat, we shit, we are slaughtered and finally consumed by humans. I'll continue to enjoy my life as long as I live. Whether I'm culled today or slaughtered tomorrow makes no difference to how I live my life"

Deploring the human terror threat alert issued by SHOW, Swami Swinanda of Art of Hogging said "We should stop getting panicky over the possibility of few million extra killings of pigs by humans. That is so human - to worry about few hundred deaths from new viruses when millions continue to die from old ones. Humans, of course, have many reasons to fear death. They worry whether they will go to heaven or hell, whether they will be reincarnated as humans again or come back as animals. They have to deal with complex issues such as sin and karma. If they are gluttonous like us they face the humiliation of being reborn as pigs. But we, pigs, need not have any worries. If we become extinct, we might be reincarnated as humans."

Elaborating on his reincarnation theory, the swami said, "Genetically, pigs are closest to humans, not monkeys. Look at the dominant human race of last century, the Americans. They eat all kind of junk food like us and become obese and rotund. An average American looks more like a fat pig than a monkey. In fact, it is very likely that most of Americans were pigs in their last birth and have carried forward their gluttonous habits in their human life."

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