Roundup Ready Cocktails: Mixed Drinks with Mixed Effects

April 1, 2015

Roundup Ready Cocktails: Mixed Drinks with Mixed Effects

In an effort to demonstrate the safety and multiple uses of one of its most popular products, a large chemical company has released recipes for some new and interesting cocktails mixed with glyphosate, the active ingredient in the controversial herbicide Roundup. The chemical has a surprisingly delicious flavor that blends well with a variety of beverages, making it a flexible and welcome addition to the bartender’s ingredient list.

For example, the Roundup Ready Mary is similar to the Bloody Mary but the traditional dash of Worcestershire Sauce is replaced with a squirt of glyphosate (20% concentration).

Samplers of the fun new drinks stood in long lines at a gala tasting event in St Louis, Missouri, last Thursday to publicize this innovation.

“I couldn’t believe how fantastic this drink is,” said Patrick Moor after downing a Monsanto Mule, which is similar to a Moscow Mule but has an added jigger of glyphosate. “It has a really unusual zing. Now I’m off to try the Pesticida Colada.” That last drink is made with rum distilled from GMO Roundup Ready sugarcane.

One new cocktail, the Sticker Shock, combines the herbicide with gin and grapefruit juice plus a surfactant typically used to help the chemicals stick to plants and increase their toxicity. The resulting libation packs such a punch that it is currently in clinical trials for its antiviral effects. Could it be a cure for the common cold? An added bonus is that when spilled on lawn weeds it kills them at the root.

Craft brewers have also gotten into the craze. “It turns out that this glyphosate stuff makes an excellent bittering agent,” reported Heady McNozzle, an artisanal brewmaster at an independent brewery in St. Louis. “It tastes exactly like hops, only totally different.” He was at the event to unveil his latest ale, Roundup Red.

Skeptics of this marketing approach suggest this is nothing more than a ploy to sell more pesticides, especially as Roundup loses popularity amid human health concerns. But promoters counter that these beverages have real merit and are safe even when consumed in large quantities (source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovKw6YjqSfM).

Thanks for reading this spoof. Happy April Fool’s Day and keep your drinking habits safe!