Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Here we sit. Christmas is in the rearview. A new year looms
ahead and with it comes roughly three or four months of unrelenting bleakness
capable of crushing the spirits of even the most stalwart of individuals.
Before we get to that joy, however, there is something which must be done
first. We must look back at the year that was 2015.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2015 Drakie Awards.

If you’re unfamiliar the Drakies (here are the 2014 Drakies and the 2013 Drakies), they are the awards founded by my friend and business partner Drake
Stone. Depending on who you talk to, Stone is either hiding in a concrete
bunker in the Rocky Mountains avoiding the former members of the Doomsday cult
he founded and misled, or serving as president of a small island mostly
populated by seagulls. Wherever he is and whatever he may be doing, he’s
entrusted these awards – which he’s often referred to as the least relevant portion
of his legacy – to me.

Despite Stone’s feelings on the
awards, I take them very seriously. Before I lock in my selections, I lock
myself in a dark, windowless room and spend a week ruminating on the year. What
I liked, what I didn’t. Depriving myself of food, water and bathroom privileges.
It’s a whole thing. The point is, these winners were not selected lightly. So,
without further stalling or ado-ing, I take you to the 2015 Drakies.

Friday, December 18, 2015

It’s become a bit of a tradition on
this blog for me to set my sights on a beloved Christmas song and then nitpick
it to absolute death. It’s fun. We all love it. However, I won’t be doing it
this year. I’ve already covered the two biggest, easiest targets (Here & Here) and, with
those two off the board, there really isn’t another Christmas song out there I
can muster 800+ angry words about. The good news is, there are plenty of songs
I can muster a few dozen angry words about. Lo, I give you: The 10 Dumbest Christmas
Songs Ever Written.

(Editor’s note: In the name of
making this a comprehensive list, I had to include a few old friends in the
mix.)