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Saturday, February 28, 2015

Silly Scribbles/Starless

Spiritual Lessons

Silly Scribbles

# 4

Or Life as Toni

Just recently I started a little series of writings that I titled “Silly Scribbles” or “Life as Toni”. I began posting them on a private writing club that I joined. I received such positive feedback I decided to be be brave and share with my Maid Arise readers.

So often the writer in me throbs and insists, but my current work in progress is strictly grammatical at this point and my creative juices feel cramped and unjustly squelched. So I have decided to allow these juices passage and wait to see what comes of it. I decided to share my experiences with you. Sometimes my life can be quite humorous to the point of disbelief which I have come to accept as normal.... or sometimes I learn new things about myself or little lessons God teaches through the inevitable we've fondly labeled “life”. I hope that these shared stories and bearings of the soul are somehow a blessing, or in the least, a few minutes of entertainment.

Starless

Coping
is exhausting. It's a verge of breaking, but clinging desperately to
a weak hopeless nothingness. It's survival with constant pain.
Depression is a wound that haunts and hurts, but no one else sees
it's blood. A sticky despair. I'm so tired and I look up into the
darkness, trying to pray. It's clear and cold; not a star in the
sky. That's how life feels right now....starless. Everyone is in
the house. I can hear muffled laughter from inside, and it seems to
mock me. I lean against the clothesline,'s wooden stake, staring up
into that bleak stretch. No one answers me. I could never doubt His
existence. Just as I could never doubt my mothers existence. I know
Him too well. But the question that stares back at me is – Does He
care? No one cares to know how I feel, because they too hurt. Or
they are doing so well they forget that others mourn while they
rejoice.

So,
this is depression. I have read of it, witnessed it, talked about
it....but now I meet it. It's not so much of a sinking feeling but
as if I've sunk. It's dark. It's odd knowing I'm depressed....it's
like holding it, trying to scrutinize it, turning it over in my hand.
It's ugly. It hurts to hold it. But I don't know how to let it go.
I feel so guilty for being dramatic and feel condemned thinking if
others knew how I felt. But could I even convey what I felt to
others? I'd just cry and they would wonder. They would feel
uncomfortable. They would see me as just an emotional female. Or
they would blame my “sickness”. I feel dangerous. I would never
contemplate suicide...but death seems so welcome, so liberating. I
want it.

Alone
is a sad word. It's not that others don't carry heavy burdens or
know what depression is like. But I have no-one who cares. That is
lonely. Crying brings no relief. No washing. After I sob I'm left
a little numb, but it's a gaping empty negative numbness. He says
that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
If that's so, my life is one drawn out nightmare.

This
has been my last couple weeks. Painful, sleepless, depressing days.
It doesn't matter why. There are many variables. Some are
physical. My health has been sorely stretched. Some of it is
circumstances. Hurtful words. Wounds by friends. Shifting of
stable pillars. Some of it is emotional. Stress, defense, a pulling
back, disappointment and grief.

I
finally faced it all. In it's abhorrence and pain and disturbance, I
looked at it and realized it was not something to be ashamed of. I
clung to something sturdier than a hope....I reached out for a
promise. A promise that He would incline unto me and hear my cry.
That he would bring me up out of the horrible pit and out of the miry
clay and set my feet on a rock. That He would put a new song in my
mouth and praise. (Psalm 40).

While
reaching out for the promise I didn't try to escape the hurt. It had
found me, whether I liked it or not and I wasn't going to try to cope
anymore. I wasn't going to press it down. I was going to pray no
matter how many stars shone. And it happened.

I
finished work and stepped out onto the sidewalk and headed “home”
(my friends house). It was 5:30 in the evening but it was still
light out and people milled about the streets. Each of them complex
individuals, only unified in humanity, but the rest an unknown
mystery. A casual quiet mystery. Sunset, car lights....twilight's
enchanting hues. Spring's fresh air. A man whistles as he walks up
his drive, happy to be off work and home. It's a relaxed stirring of
humanity. And I don't feel like a detached spectator. I'm part of
it all and it excites me. Somehow depression has lost the stare
contest. The only loneliness that tugs at the edge of my heart is
not being able to share that moment with someone closer who would be
able to see what I see and revel in it and take quiet notice with me.
But I do have Someone. I smile. That same Someone makes life worth
living. Makes sleep possible. Night is nothing to dread no matter
how many stars show. And the morning will come – a day the Lord
has made and planned in detail. Depression let me go. Or did I let
go of it? I accepted it. I faced it. I decided. As I drew near
the house, with the sun setting behind it, I knew there would be a
morning. And when it comes I will look up at the sky and say, “Who
has conquered my grief? Who has conquered my heartache? Who has
conquered my pain?” And I will sing – “Jesus.”

11 comments:

Ah, Toni, I can relate so very well to this. I too have experienced the depths of depression and struggled for actually many years in the past trying to find relief...found some temporary relief here and there, but real liberation did not come for a long while. Now I look back with trepidation because I do not want to think about I felt then...maybe afraid it will somehow return. But I know that our Lord has freed me and shown me His amazing grace, so I let go of those nagging fears and try to just focus on the present, not the past. It is actually surprising to me when I talk to people to discover how many of God's people have experienced or are experiencing depression. I know it is even talked about in the Bible, and I believe it can even be viewed as a gift...an opportunity to be put into a place where the only way out is in Jesus and His Love and Mercy. We must cling to Him while in this crazy world that will devour us if we let it! But we won't, because we have Him! So brave of you to share so openly and honestly, and I pray what you write will be a blessing to whomever reads it that has walked or is walking that same dark road. Praise God for the Light He has given us in Jesus!

Thank you ladies for your feedback. Depression is a scary thing sometimes because it feels like it's out of our control. But how sweet to have a hope. To have Jesus to pull me out. Thank you Margaret for your thought as well... It's always encouraging to hear from readers!

Can I say I better understand what depression is or is not?No,I can not.What can I say of this experience, so late in my life? Or can I say I just now recognize what had effected me in younger days. I can say it has come and gone,like the tides that wash upon the beaches of my mind,both cleaning and resurfaceing and rearranging the many pebbled thoughts that come and go.Is it that I am effected by the motions of the universe on the fulness of the moon,the Sun as it blasts hydrogen,a colorless,orderless but flammable gas.Today is another day one more I have been given when I awake from the sleep that has been affored me through the prayers the night before.Each searches for the answers that help with the path of the world and our own spiritualness.I believe I am Star dust collected from the Space of the universe our creator made from nothing.He created us to be part of the bigger picture,His World we call heaven.Not bad for the simpliest of reasons to understand the purpose we are each given even in the moments of depression,the light of faith fills the void of darkness some time,when that time is to be I don't know.What I do know is to recognize the darkness for what it is and move on to the light,open the next door,unafraid yet we can have treidations.What is depression to some is a door way for others.I chose the door.GG Grandpa George

Thank you for letting me read your gripping account of your journey with depression. Somehow just knowing that Jesus is there makes it more tolerable although it may not seem so at the time. I had undiagnosed thyroid trouble years ago and it left me in what felt like a semi-comatose state for about a week while laying in a hospital bed. Psalms 18:28 became very meaningful to me. For thou wilt light my candle: the Lord my God wilt enlighten my darkness. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm on an antidepressant/antianxiety pill because the alternative is dreadful.

Marilyn, your comment is an encouragement to me. I love the verse you pointed out. David had such a way with words, didn't he? The thought that we are a candle is such a curious image. And He will light us and it is His light that will enlighten our darkness. I love that verse! Thank you for sharing. And I appreciate your courage in sharing that you are on an anti-depressant. There seems to be a lot of guilt associated with depression. My heart goes out to you; someone who knows the nightmare of depression. But I am thankful you know Jesus and that He is your light in your darkness. I will keep you in my prayers Marilyn when you come to mind. Thank you for sharing. There is a bittersweet gratefulness in realizing you are "not the only one" to experience hardship. Thankfully we can count it all joy, knowing that this tries our faith and works patience. Jesus sees it as more precious than gold, and only allows it if it's NEEDED. "Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if NEED be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: that the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 1:6-7