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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Well, it just wouldn't be a normal day if Clay didn't get into something.

I was lying in bed this morning, not asleep, yet not quite awake yet either. I cracked one eye open and glanced at the clock. Ugh. Ten more minutes. I'll get up in ten more minutes, I thought. I smelled something cooking. Who was cooking? Joe's at work. The kids are asleep. Ohhh, I know! Joe must have put the chicken in the crock pot before he left for work. Wow, that chicken is going to fall off the bones and be mush if it cooks that long. I wonder why Joe put the chicken in before he left for work at 4:00 this morning? It smells like it's burning too. I wonder if he put any liquid in with it?

I decided to get up and check on the chicken and pour some water over it. I got up, walked into the kitchen, and my feet stuck to the floor. Huh? I looked down and saw what appeared to be egg smeared all over the floor. A peek at the egg shells in the sink and the yolk covered paper towels in the garbage confirmed my thoughts.

Before cleaning up the sticky egg mess, I checked on the crock pot. The crock pot that didn't have a chicken in it. It wasn't plugged in. It was empty.

Wait. How can that be? I smell something cooking. What on earth is that smell? I look around the kitchen. I look in the oven. I walk through the house sniffing, saying, "What IS that smell?"Clay, who is awake and sitting in the family room answers me."It's eggs, Mom!""What do you mean, 'It's eggs'?""I wanted eggs for breakfast.""Did you try to cook eggs?" I asked horrified."Yes!" Clay answers proudly.He ran to the microwave, opened the door, and pulled out a coffee cup with what was once an egg, but is now a hard, yellow/brown, sponge looking, hockey puck.

This is the part where I freaked out. We can skip the details.

Then I cleaned up the sticky egg goo that had been smeared all over the floor while thanking God that Clay didn't burn the house down or hurt himself. On the bright side, it's been almost a year since his last cooking escapade (where he put a package of microwave popcorn, still encased in cellophane, in the microwave for 55 minutes and 55 seconds) so at least it's not a regular thing.

Look at this egg. See all that white stuff? He put a handful of kosher salt on it first. No plain ole, unseasoned eggs for this guy.

Looks a little like a natural sea sponge, no? Who knew an egg could look quite like this.

After the cooking eggstravaganza, I took my middle daughter to the doctor because she's been sick for a couple days and started running a fever today. When I got home, I walked to the kitchen to make the kids lunch. I heard someone run to the bathroom. I heard the door close and the toilet seat slam open. I heard all these things yet they didn't totally register. Do you know what I mean? Even though I was concentrating on making lunch, I was picking up little bits and pieces of what was going on in the rest of the house. Even though I was in another part of the house, concentrating on something else, I knew that Clay was going to the bathroom.

I asked the kids if they wanted celery or apples and heard Lexi's and Clay's replies from the family room. What? The family room? But he's in the bathroom. Isn't he? I walk to the bathroom only to find Brooklyn there. Standing IN the toilet. Yep, there she was, socks on, standing in the water.

Then at dinner, I was delighted to learn that the kids had taught Brooklyn a new word. Chickenbutt. This should be part of every one year old's vocabulary, no? Ugh.

Just a quick question...because it seems to be the phrase of the month here...is Brooklyn saying, "What's Up? Chickenbutt!!!! (hysterical, maniacal laughter)?" I'm wondering if it's a southwestern theme spreading to the midwest, or if you guys are sending it our way. Our pastor's 3-year old nephew started it here late last summer. Goes over well with blue haired ladies @ baseball games....

Oh, Dawn. It just gets better and better for you, doesn't it? I am glad to hear that he didn't injure anyone aside from a few innocent eggs.

I do have a silver lining for you though. Be glad he wasn't making the eggs for you and that you weren't (at least marginally) obligated to eat them. My kitchen escapades thankfully didn't start that young, but when I was 7, we moved. My parents were busy unpacking, so I decided to make lunch. Hot dogs seemed easy enough. Found the fry pan, found the hot dogs. Found the ... butter. Two sticks of butter and five hot dogs go into the pan to be fried. If I recall, we didn't have any buns, so my poor parents had to eat the somewhat deep fried hot dogs that had to be disgusting. Fortunately my culinary skills have since improved.

And once again, kudos to your kids for their ingenuity. It's great to know they're independent, right?

You need to make another liquid lunch date (hey, Fox River Grove is close, right?).

I've never been fond of microwaved eggs, but Clay's version is quite gross. Glad he didn't try to eat it. I'm also glad he didn't catch anything on fire. How you still have hair with that boy, I don't know. I'd have pulled mine out long ago.

What's wrong with Chickenbutt? Maybe not talking at age 3 isn't such a bad thing afterall!

I wonder how long he put it in for?? I love that it was in a coffee mug. How cute is this kid?? I know you don't think of him as cute right now but WOW! The stories you can use to blackmail him when he starts dating:) teehee

Lovely. I remember when my older ones taught the younger ones Chickenbutt. Take a guess where THEY got it from?? Uh huh. Their Dad, my darling husband! ARG!

I stand before you, hands out--- bowing. Bless you my child. You have the patience of a saint. I cannot even imagine any of my kids doing that and living and then me telling everyone in a blog. I'd be in handcuffs, the kids would be in foster care and I'd be dragged off to a looney bin!

I have no patience, not for any of that.

Dawn, you are the worlds best. No wonder I stopped after three. No way! No how!

That egg was about the funniest thing I've seen in a while! And too bad you didn't get a picture of Brooklyn in the toilet...that's pretty funny, too, especially for us whose children have not quite figured out how to climb in the toilet.

Oh been there done that. God why is it kids do these things? My 3 year old got into one of those HUGE cans of popcorn tonight and threw it all ovr the livingroom. Now mind you my 19 year old was watching him. When I asked Pete if he saw him do it his reply was yup and I LAUGHED and LAUGHED. Pet got a dope tap on his head. My 4 year old is fascinated with scissors. A couple months ago he cut his little brothers hair. Right on the top of his head was a bald spot. I let that go. Then a week or so later he chopped off his bangs It was then I shaved Sawyers head. My husband freaked. He asked me why I did it. I didnt want to tell him what Noah did because Noah would never be able to sit down again plus I didnt want to hear the lecture abut how so many people can be in a house and not see something like this happen. So........ I jsut said I couldnt take touching his head and feeling skin. Now mind you when the boys get into things when he is at watch its never his fault. Go figure.

I was every bit as horrified as everyone else with that particular reader's "which child would you pick...?" question, but I have to admit, MY three year old has me wanting to auction HER off on ebay these days! :) My angel-of-old has been SO trying, and has had me in tears WAY too much this week... so thank you once again for adding a smile to my day and helping me remember I'm not alone.

Note to self...never eat food while reading your blog. I nearly choked to death because I couldn't help but laugh at the spongy egg pictures and the word "chickenbutt" with a mouthful of chips! Hmmm....this may be my new weight-loss strategy!

Rachel for some reason tried cooking eggs in the basement bathroom sink (last year, during her "spell"). She used the toilet to throw the eggshells into. I think she was expecting success, because she brought down some ketchup, also.

Phaaaaa!!!!!! That is just too much fun! Come on Mom! Clay loves to cook eggs! I see a future here...

Tell me Dawn, do your kids have stories like this from school? Please promise me you'll have a chapter in your book about a teacher's woes :-) (Me! Me! I'll help!) For example, you remember the kid who brought the whole class hamburger helper for morning snack, or have you heard about the kid who stuffed the toilet with paper towels and then was wringing them out to wipe the sink...or the little darling who peed on the lawn right outside his classroom even though the bathroom was five steps to the left and then proceeded to wave at his teacher (oh wait! That was MY kid!) Uuugh...if you ever need a "guest writer" I'll do it! Anyhow, I love ya Dawn!

Clay's cooking eggsperiment (ahhh...couldn't resist!) reminds me of an incident involving my oldest son! My father-in-law passed away 9 years ago and my son was just 5 at the time. We were at my mother-in-law's house and it was quite packed with friends and family visiting. Alex decided he wanted a corn dog. So our friend, Ken, and my brother-in-law, Curt, decided to help the kid out and make him a corn dog. Bear in mind that neither of these gentlemen had children of their own at the time and this was their first time nuking a corn dog.

Rather than reading the directions on the package, these two full-grown, intelligent men asked my 5 yr old son how long to cook it. He told them to cook it for 10 minutes. So they did.

In case you aren't familiar with the haute cuisine of microwavable corn dogs, they only need to be zapped for about 90 seconds.

We ended up with a rock on a stick by the time the "ding" sounded, but we also have a fun memory during a horribly sad time, so I guess it all worked out.

As I read your stories, sometimes I think to myself, "there's no way things like this could happen to one person" - but then there are pictures to prove it! You are hilarious and you make my life seem to easy. Thanks for putting things into perspective for me!

Every time I see one of your Corelle dishes it makes me nervous. We have a set of the same design. On top of that, Baby Bear recently turned three and is about as bright, ornery, and sneaky as they come.

Your microwave is a bit high up isn't it? Did you find out how he got the egg in it?

Oh the joys of being a mother. I, too, have six children, only now they are grown up and dealing with their own children's shenanagans. There are times when the only thing a mother can do is prayerfully hand them over to the Lord and ask Him to help in this daunting task of keeping them alive while they grow and learn. You are really doing an amazing job. Kudos to you.

What a coincidence! While you were posting this, I was posting a list of bizarre food-related behaviors exhibited by my children, begging for reassurance that mine aren't the only ones to do things like ... like ... cook eggs in the microwave.

No, actually, that wasn't included on my list, but only because I decided to limit it to HABITUAL bizarre behaviors.

The one time (I know of) that a Pudnerkid cooked an egg in the microwave, she did it in the shell. It did not look remotely like a hockey puck or natural sponge, believe me.

Bless your heart! Aren't days like that only supposed to be Mondays? At least it seems that Mondays are 10 times worse than all the other days combined at my house. I hope someone had flushed before Brooklyn decided to go for a swim.

Reminds me when my son cooked his own oatmeal in the microwave...minus the water. Oh yes he did! Burnt the whole inside of the microwave up, and the plastic bowl was melted to the microwave as well. Yes, that smell was fiiiinnnne, quite toxic I imagine. Fun times, fun times.

Well, just focus on this. They could have taught her to say chickenbutt while standing in the toilet. That would have made for an interesting trip to the next public restroom you paid a visit with her in tow...

Just a quick question... How old is Clay? If he's so interested in cooking, maybe it's time he learned HOW to cook something. Even if it's simply how to make a non messy PBJ sandwich or a puddle free bowl of cereal. :D

Sounds like one of those days where you just say "Pass the chocolate", get out the little white flag and wave it high! LOL Hurray for you for having a sense of humor about it already. And I don't know if chickens have butts but I am pretty sure I have never heard anyone ask for that at KFC.

Hi Dawn, I have a question for you. I am a hair designer and I was wondering who cuts the kids hair? Do they sit still for the cut? I know how hard it can be to cut squirming children's hair! Kristine in Michigan.

Our friend taught my kids "Chickenbutt" a couple months ago. Now it, "You know what? CHICKENBUTT!" Followed by fits of giggles. After the giggling is over, comes, "You know why? CHICKEN THIGH!" Followed by more fits of giggles. AH, the joys of parenthood.

A few years ago when I was still doing craft shows (I think just so I'd have a day alone even if it was hard work) I came home to every door and window in my house open...it was November. I asked my dear husband why our house was so well ventilated (not that it didn't need some airing out) and he replied casually, Kailey made popcorn. Ok, so she made popcorn. Why are all the doors and windows open? I walk into my freezing house and it smells like...I can't even come up with a word to explain how horrible my house smelled. I asked my daughter what happened and she said she came outside and told daddy that she thinked she needed help. That the popcorn looked funny. Being the attentive Dad he is, he waved her off and later forgot to check on her. She cooked popcorn for over an hour! The bag exploded, the microwave turned brown and my house smelled horid. We later had to throw the microwave out because everytime we cooked something in it the horid smell would come back. We plugged it in on the side porch outside for a bit just because we really needed to use it but couldn't stand the smell. Can you say redneck? Sorry for the long post but I couldn't resist this story.

Chickenbutt. Hehehe. At least it's not as annoying as the fact that my darling husband now has my youngest saying "Up your butt with a coconut!" Yup that's a keeper! I tried channeling Juan Epstein with the retaliation "Up your nose with a rubber hose!" but he had to take it even farther with "In your ear with a derriere!" How do I compete with that?

I absolutely love your blog -makes me realize I'm not alone! My 3 year old has learned to scale the counter, even without the help of a stool after I took them all away, and put the popcorn in the microwave (which is above the stove) and pushes the right button to pop it. I don't know how many times I have started to smell or hear the popcorn and find him standing on top of the counter waiting for it to be done. And the amazing this is that he can do this in a manner of 10 seconds while I'm looking for his little brother who is into something else. I think they have it all planned.......

I once found Monkey in the toilet when she was around 1-1 1/2 (she is now almost eight). She was tiny at the time and when I looked into the bathroom all I saw was her head sticking up over the toilet seat. I didn't get a picture. I was just glad she went in feet first and not head first. She got moved straight to the tub and got a bath.

Oh, I feel so bad at having a laugh at your expense so often, but that was FUNNY. Of course I have my own moments - yesterday my almost 1 year old decided to follow my 4 and 2 year old down the stairs...thud, thud, thud, thud. I SWEAR she was right behind me playing a second before, that child moves like lightening (I was putting away laundry). Then the same 1 year old poured an entire cup of orange juice down my back while I was trying to clean out the fridge. Ugh. Yeah, I've had days like those.

If it makes you feel better, been there done that. Once when my husband was supposed to be watching our daughter (she was probably two at the time) she set the empty microwave for 99:99 and pushed start. My husband was taking one of his notoriously long showers and there was a hole burned through the glass plate and bottom of the microwave before he smelled it!

As for "chickenbutt" our youth director's two year old daughter loves that word!

There is a way to cook eggs in the microwave but I don't remember how. My sister used to do it all the time. The new word "cracked" me up...lol. My four yr. old loves to say "bootybutt." It has been a "thorn in my side" for quite a long time. I think she will grow out of this stage sometime...I hope...lol. Take care. It's always a joy to read your blogs. Thanks for sharing.

Can't say I've ever seen anyone standing IN the toilet! Love reading your family's adventures, and knowing another parent has a sense of humor about these things. Yes, every one year old that I know says Chickenbutt. Every one with old with an older sibling, that is ;)

Holy guacamole! Thank goodness my 2 wild ones haven't done the "climb up and cook in the microwave" bit. At 2 & 4 they haven't quite figured out the art of moving a chair quietly. I have, however, caught the 2 year old standing in the chair...on top of 2 phone books...trying to get stuff off the refrigerator. This was before dummy me watched your video of your son climbing the refrigerator. I didn't realize my son was standing right behind my elbow watching until he started giggling like a maniac. Maybe I should wait to read these until they go to bed!

Kids and the microwave teach parents a lot of things. Like the fact that brownies are flammable if you put them in the microwave for 6 minutes.

I never knew that anything would actually catch fire in the microwave, until my three-year-old decided that he wanted to warm up his brownie. It is quite unnerving to look through the glass door of the microwave and see flames.

Thankfully, the only casualties in the incident were the microwave, and the brownie, which was reduced to a pile of gray-black ash.

Love the pix of the egg...thank goodness my Eli (very much like Clay) has not tried cooking...yet. Those "10 more minutes" thoughts really kick you in the butt don't they? Whenever I do that I come out to some kind of disaster.I am sad though that there was no pix of Brooklyn, that would be soooo cute!Thanks for the laughs, you are awesome!

omg what a day you have had. i hope your one gets well soon. have fun washing laundry and wet socks. i hope the microwave isnt covered on the inside with sea sponge looking stuff. ahh, im glad my day wasn't as crazy as yours...its only that bad about once or twice a week.

My now 3 year old daughter was found standing in the toilet at just about that age! I made her stand there (crying:)) while I went and got the video camera and my camera so I could have a record of that wonderful milestone :)!! That was the last time she tried to get in :). Can I just say how much I love, love, love your blog! You are so witty!! I have four kiddos, plus one on the way, so my life parallels yours in a lot of ways :)! Although I won't be brave enough to go for six :)! I wish you continued success!

Just when I think I have reached my limit at home with kids and then work, I come here and feel all better. GIRL your life is soooo dang busy!! I hope your daughter is feeling better. Keep up making us smile!!

By the way did ya notice the gorgeous BANNER Box Angie made for me? I am so glad I can give back to you know and be able to advertise here. The only other thing is COULD YOU PUT MY BANNER up where you are in the boot??? I think it would show better! LMAO!!! Okay so I am asking for a little much!!! :)

That Chickenbutt phrase comes from a Macaulay Culkin movie. I can't remember off the top of my head which one it is, but I can see him saying it. My kids have a whole litany of these, not the least of which is, "Wanna know who? Chicken Stew!"

I'm sure you weren't laughing at the time,but you gave me a laugh now! Just the word chickenbutt can make me laugh. Especially if you say it 5 times fast. Hope today is better, calmer, healthier and cleaner!

Oh Dawn! I have to say, reading your blog has helped me lighten up a little with my 2 toddlers (and my husband!) I usually spend a large part of the day in the same room with them. I don't have as many exciting incidents as you, but yes, everything else suffers.

My 4 yr old son's latest new words - "dammit" and "bull shoot". He learned them at church!!!! From the pastor's son!!!

As for the reader who asked if chickens have butts, ah, yeah, they do. Think along the lines of a cat. (Farm girl!)

When my nephew was three he wanted chocolate cake for breakfast, and so he managed to dump sugar a dozen eggs, and a bottle of chocolate syrup on the carpet before my brother in law woke up. Gotta Love Kids.

Chickenbutt? not too bad, my son has picked up a few words from my neighbors that I dont like him to use, especially when he is calling me those names, like butthead. But my neigbors think it is hillarious, Just wait till they have kids.... ;)

Here's a suggestion: I wouldn't dare leave my 3-year-old downstairs alone while I'm in bed, so I just take my pillow and blanket down to the couch when he gets up! I can get a few more minutes of that lovely half-sleep and still be on the alert if he tries to start any fires! Which has never happened, thank goodness.

Hi Dawn, I must confess a sin you started! You told us all about your favorite coffee creamer for the holiday's. Ginger bread flavor. Well it was on clearance for 99 cents and I bought two. Well the notonadietresolution Me decided this would be good on ice with some Rum. Crazy huh!? As Racheal Ray would say...Yum-O! Thanks, Kristine in Michigan.

Hi Dawn, Kristine again, Can't help it I am addicted to your blog. Another question....Would you ever think about having Super Nanny come? I am thinking..Not..all the people on that show really have No clue! You on the other hand..I bet..Has a Naughty Chair? LOL Kristine in Michigan.

I had to come back and re-read! LOL! I read it last night when I was zombied out and thought I should read it again! You make your family life sound funny, but I know it must get taxing at times and frustrating. You are doing a fantastic job!

My SIL first set of twins,yes she has 2 sets, did the toilet thing too. One sat in the toilet water and the other flushed. A baby spa! I was a pre-school teacher for 15 yrs. and CHICKENBUTT is the #1 favorite word for 1-4 year olds. Dads like it too...go figure.

Just a friendly warning. My mother took a picture of me standing in the toilet fully clothed when I was about 2 or 3 and then a year or so later we were shopping a hardware type store and she caught me (just in the nick of time) with my pants down sitting on one of the display toilets. Hey, when a girl has to go, she has to go! Reminds me of a Jackass movie seen----hysterical!

OMG!! The eggs!! LMBO!! I always wondered how they looked afetr a little wavin'. At least he was wanting something healthy!!

Chickenbutt... Whatta great word!!I have a quaker that says Chickenbutt!! Complete with chicken cluck sounds. Dunno if this link will work, but I have it on video..http://s64.photobucket.com/albums/h176/mommaspictures/?action=view&current=1bb69e0e.pbr

I was just letting one of Ajer's friends out the front door watching him cross the street to make sure he got home OK and I hear Tukey in the kitchen say to his brother Ajers:

"Guess what?"

Ajer's reply: "Chickenbutt."

I kid you not. I started cracking up and thought to myself, "OK, for the rest of my life, whenever I hear the word chickenbutt, I'm going to associate it with Dawn. Not that there's anything wrong with it!

I had a daughter who was always in the bathroom making a potion. Which means she mixed everything she could find. Mom said I drank lighter fluid one time so I'm glad to be here and that my daughters have noy drink anything posion.www.akiscb.blogspot.com

Wow! I did not know that Chickenbutt should be in my daughter's vocabulary I will start working on that now and to think in her 16 months of life she has not heard that one yet! I must say you need to be glad that Clay did not try and hardboil the eggs, because according to my Grandmother (like all Grandmother's she is wise beyond her years) if you leave eggs on to boil and forget about them and go to the store when you return and the pot is dry the eggs will have exploded. So be glad Clay's eggs were contained in the microwave in the cup, their is a house somewhere out there that my Grandmother claims may still have egg in odd places.

Ok, so I can't believe no one here has posted the recepe for microwaved eggs :) I LOVE microwaved eggs personally :) Here it is for those of you curious :)

*I use 4 eggs, and a fair amount of milk, all whisked up with a fork in either a glass bowl, or a plastic container. (for those of you leary about plastic in the microwave, go with a glass cereal bowl, corningware is fine too.)*Microwave for 1 minute*Remove from microwave and use the fork to break it up and move it around so the last little bit of uncooked egg is mixed all around.*Microwave again for about 15 to 20 seconds if that. Perfect eggs :)

I laughes SO HARD at "You know how it started? A chicken Farted" OMG THAT was hilarious!! I havn't laughed so hard in I don't know how long! (Chicken Thong?)

and maybe for the other reader... "In your eye with a pumpkin pie" "down your pants with army ants"

You make me feel so sane!! I only had my 2 year old pee all over herself while standing in front of the potty, so close...but the real beauty was setting her in the church bathroom sink and washing her off and drying with paper towels. I was so grateful for only having one other child to keep track of, and for his sense of humor! The older kiddo really helps me to remember to laugh it off. Thanks for your humor!!!!!