5 yrs down the road i still don't know what i'm doing but my kids love me and thats all that counts

Friday, October 12, 2012

12 years..

12 years ago i tried to find the bottom of the bottle. well many bottles. a reckless move i was a miserable 20 yr old with a grudge against the world. the chip on my shoulder started to crack and then i gave up. the moment i walked in the door the drinking began and until i passed out that's all i remember. it was an unconscious thought that had been building for months, i was miserable and hated myself and thought I'd be better off dead than anything. i still think what happened that night could have been stopped either by myself or someone present but then again they weren't my friends and i was going to learn the hard way. i probably would have died if someone hadn't give a shit that night.
Several bottles and passing out in bed the phone call that jolted me came. my mother and the words theres been an accident. the USS Cole. go watch the news.
I nearly lost my best friend while i was too busy trying to lose myself. many frightening hours later we knew he was alive, not ok but alive.
Its been 12 yrs now, the grudge and chip i had on my shoulder went away. i've not had a blackout like that since except for the one the year i got married but i was with family and a very understanding husband that was there for me.