Follow me as I attempt to navigate this new life of becoming a young widow, single mom, and single girl with as much *ahem* grace as I can muster!

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Friday, August 30, 2013

The In-between

The best way I can describe how it feels to be in this situation is that I feel like I have an in-between life. There are so many choices to make, so many things to learn; and yet I can't/won't make any choices or learn any new things. I am afraid to commit to anything because it can be gone in the blink of an eye. I am finding it hard to commit to an outfit or a pair of shoes, let alone a future, a home, a person, a life....
The in-between isn't a bad place to be, it is just frustrating. I feel like a newborn; dependent, scared, unable to do much. There is a big old world out there and when you go from charging ahead in it with a partner to navigating it alone, it can be a bit overwhelming. I am amazed at how many decisions I never made by myself. Even the simple decision of what to make for dinner can sometimes require a steeling of will not to ask for advice.
The in-between can also make you feel needy. You never feel like you quite fit in any situation. Even a simple walk in the mall can drive you crazy. Couples holding hands, families with small children, husbands/boyfriends buying jewelry for their wives/girlfriends, not having anyone to tell you that you look great in that outfit or that those shoes make your ankles look fat. So instead of taking the plunge and doing what you have to do, you grab a soft pretzel from the guy at the stand, a soda from the vending machine and pretend you forgot something in the car. You hate to call and ask your friends to join you because they all have their own lives, their own families, their own errands to run. You don't want to need to have someone with you, but you can't help it. You are in between the old you and the new you, and for now, the old you has won the battle.