Wednesday, April 13, 2011

884. Randy is a man who lives a rich, milk-oriented fantasy life. He frequently comes up with all sorts of fantasies, most of which involve Megan in some way, and, as a man whose mind goes where it will, sometimes his mind takes him down the road to what will happen when eventually Stockholm syndrome kicks in and Megan relents to his endless advances.

"Oh yeah, we'll have a kid and it'll be a girl and she'll be fucking hot, like porn star hot," he moans to himself as he pours himself another glass of milk. He tries to drink it in such a fashion that it gives him a milk mustache. He imagines the mustache is Megan's.

His mind refuses to relinquish this thought. Randy promptly grabs a pen and begins drawing his hypothetical daughter as a porn star--completely naked, of course, as is the usual case with XKCD women--but then he realizes that this amazingly sexy and milk-endowed woman he is envisioning is his daughter! He must come up with a way to distance himself from these thoughts! And he has to make it funny to his audience. What's something unsexy that everyone loves?

Mr. Rogers! Let's go with that. Wasn't there some game where you came up with your porn star name? It involved streets or some shit, right? Cool, comic done. Back to masturbating to your hypothetical daughter.

885. Randy wants to let everyone know that he recycles, of course, but he also wants to let everyone know that the people at the recycling center have compiled an elaborate dossier on him, based on the things they gather from his house. They have even accurately concluded that he is what is colloquially referred to as an "asshole."

He is inaccurate in how they came to this conclusion, of course. He assumes it is because he is only intermittently concerned with making the recyclists' (do you like that? I just made that up right now) job easier that they have concluded this. Really it is mostly because every available surface he recycles has the word 'Megan' written on it, over and over and over again--and inflicting your creepiness on the poor people at the recycling center is pretty much the biggest dick move out there, next to possibly maintaining a hate blog for a comic you don't really even care about.

You forgot how much of an arse he is for saying "given how much of my stuff they go through..." like he has to tell the world that he recycles and wants a fucking medal for it. He's like the people who get up for work at 6 every morning and can't stop talking about it at every available opportunity. I hate them.

Don't think you people are fooling anyone. Too weak to be jocks, never been good at any sports, but you've all secretly wished to be one. So you satisfy your needs by hiding on the internet and bully nerds from the distance like cowards. Too bad Randall is smarter and more successful than any of you yappy mutts will ever be.

You people disgust me, with your pathetic attempts to discredit Randall by portraying him as some kind of lazy, incompetent sex pervert. But I know, this is only a projection of your own deranged souls, onto Randall's infinitely magnanimous being. Every line Randall draws makes him more money than you do in a month, Rob, and your contempt is clearly just a misguided attempt to hide your jealous admiration, as Randall is brilliant, wise, funny and beautiful. He is everything you've ever wanted to be but couldn't because of your chicken like mind and manatee shaped body. You mock xkcd, because if you allowed yourselves to truly imbibe in its staggering profundity, the tentative grasp you hold on your delusions of competence would break, and you would be left with nothing but the knowledge that you have failed in every way imaginable.

So, have fun. Keep living in the lie you call a life, but know that your self-deception will not continue forever, and that one day, the ground falls out beneath you, you will beg Randall Munroe to forgive you for all the suffering your wretched lies have cause him. But he will only laugh as you prostrate yourselves before him like sinners begging Jesus to save their souls even as they know it is too late. I'm giving you a chance; repent while you still can.

You're experiencing what is commonly known as "taking shit a little too seriously."

Nearly everyone who reads this probably also reads XKCD - it sort of falls into the category of "all publicity is good publicity," because since when has angry ranting ever changed anyone's mind about anything?

That last line was pointed at you too. Now go take your blood pressure meds. Christ.

It seems like Randy hasn't used the name "Megan" in quite a while. I can't even remember the last time a character was actually referred to as "Megan." Is it possible that he's seen sites like this and has decided to never again use the name "Megan," lest he be seen as a creepy stalker? I realize that he knows about xkcdsucks, but he's also said he doesn't look at it...but does he? I don't know why else he'd stop using the name "Megan." Or maybe it's just my imagination. When is the last time he actually referred to "Megan" in a strip?

Someone has mentioned there's no reason why Randall specifies the street in Cambridge, Ma, as opposed to any other Rogers Street. I think it's so that one lucky xkcd fan who lives on that street can say "GOOMHR, I live here!!!"

Actually having written that down I realise how stupid that is. Randall would have got far more GOOMHR if he hadn't specified a city. Silly Randall, HIRE ME AS YOUR EDITOR.

This is seriously the most despicable thing I've ever seen with these eyes, and I was blind for the first 15 years of my life. You are all scum who've probably never even dated a girl, contributing nothing to this wonderful world except for necrotic decay and lactiferous bile.

You're clearly just jealous of Randall's magnificent creations while you cannot even create your own work, because you're all just talentless hacks and jerks to boot.

But I don't care what you do on your own, because I know that even though you don't have a single clue, that the fires of Hell will, in the end, consume each and every last one of you.

Wait, are these condescending commenters still just blog members with nothing better to contribute, or are the XKCD shippers actually taking that much time out of their girl-devoid existence to post arguments on a site dedicated to meaningless criticism and trolling like the Aspies they are? 'Cause I was assuming the first, but I don't know any more.

I smiled at some of them so okay. Ignoring the lack of art ['cause this probably took longer than most "art" "comics" he makes], it's half-amusing which is 40-50% further along the way towards amusing than normal.

I had no idea buckley was that much of a stupid fuckhead. Here's the deal, timmy: the reason its funny when standup comedians do stereotype humor (in most cases) is because their punchline is more than "ha ha black people steal", it satirizes the stereotypes. For reference look no further than Chris Rock's genius "niggers vs black people" sketch. Furthermore, most of the comedians who perform racial humor are minorities, because as carlin himself put it, "we know richard pryor isn't a racist when he uses that word, cause he's a nigger!" A stereotype joke falls flat when its from a member of the oppressing party. And its a testament to your stupid fuckheadery that I even have to spell this out.

Newest SMBC: quite funny, though the structure of the joke means there isn't really a punchline (obviously the frayed knot bit looks like one, but you know that's going to happen, and the ACTUAL joke is the whole conversion to action scene thing) so it loses something.I did laugh out loud at the votey though. (Maybe the votey is fulfilling the role of punchline in the original comic, hence it being where I laughed? HUMOUR ANALYSIS)

Seriously, you guys? Are you going to denigrate an entire group of people like that just because they like something you don't? There's REALLY no reason for you to go into the xkcd forums if you don't like it. And just for the record, it is full of funny and intelligent people.

Oh, and don't bother pointing out the irony of me coming here to say that. I'm not the one outright insulting people for no reason.

And yes I will denigrate an entire group of people like that, because:

a) I'm a terrible human being, and that is par for the course.b) It amuses me.c) wut I did thar?d) This is the internet.e) You guys do a great job denigrating yourselves, you don't need any help from me ;)

Kind of ironic there, Capn. It isn't me posting at 9:54. They were on your side in fact, so maybe you should learn to read properly.

That said, you made it pretty clear you are just typical internet trolls. Everyone seems to think that just because they're on the internet, they can act like they want. No-one here would act like this to someone in real life.

If it weren't for people like Buckley I wouldn't be aware of half these crazy stereotypes about American niggers. Never has a minority generated such an intricate reputation. They're like a modern mythological monster.

I didn't get any of the references (other than the Death Star, and Pripyat after I looked it up), but I still found this so funny in a surrealistic way that I laughed so hard that it hurt each of the four times that I read through it.

Actually it's not. It's not really actively awful either, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired (I get that the long, drawn-out, repetitious nature is supposed to emphasise that it's nagging and all, but there must be ways of showing that that don't kill the momentum).

But there is an actual attempt to make a humourous statement there, so I guess give him credit for that.

Abstruse Goose is basically the same thing as this classical German cartoon from the 80s, only less funny, and with less pronounced characters.I think we should talk about classical German comics in here more often.

The correct Ann Apolis is me; I end in -01, my question is about having water in my ear, and (most convincingly) my blog Radio Ember is url'd at radioember.blogspot.com rather than aquarianlovetofuck.blogspot.com . I've also had an account since April '09 rather than February '11.

No huamn bein has bin killd by a cassowary since 1926, but thta dosnt mean teh casowarys arnt stil tryin! They atacked 150 ppl from 1989 to 1999. an we cna only asume there tactics wil grow moar sophisticated as they continue too sutdy oar behavior. So dont turn ur back on em!

There are so many people on the xkcd forum saying "GOOMH" on the basis that they recently went through house/apartment hunting. The acronym is meaning less and less all the time. By the end of the year people will be GOOMHing every comic that was written in the same language that they speak on a daily basis.

Why am I writing this, they can't even read. Not really.A man executes a piece of art, perfectly formed and designed. It is one of many. This is his job but the pay is irrelevant. He wouldn't want to disappoint, if he were able. He is an expert, a genius, a visionary. A thousand words in an ape language, a cheap tongue. Beyond his time. Beyond the end of time.A million see and revel. They know.They laugh and move on. A waste. Maybe in time. Five billion do not see, and are forever unfulfiled. Pity is the only word, and this time language does not disappoint.Some see, and are consumed by how pointless they realise they will always be, as reflected on them by the Most Holy High. They once knew or think they know but now... They know nothing. Nothing at all. It is warped. Males but not men. People but not persons. Living but no lives. One sees. One disagrees. He knows, he truly does. Raging againt the Heavens with impotent emotion. One posts a concise dissertation on the subject, in poetic terms. A "comment." One weeps to his dead dreams and ideals, stolen by this Devil's Smithy of empty and opposite words. Cynicism lives.Every first breath I take I spend loathing you. With every second I love Mr Munroe and myself. And life is complete. The systole and diastole of the of the human hate.Perhaps you serve a purpose. Even barbers, I suppose.

William Huge! I was under the impression that you had abandoned us forever, after you were mistaken for the Buddha whilst holidaying in Japan and thus took up a job dispensing wisdom for the benefit of the locals.

"Some see, and are consumed by how pointless they realise they will always be, as reflected on them by the Most Holy High. They once knew or think they know but now... They know nothing. Nothing at all. It is warped. Males but not men. People but not persons. Living but no lives."

"William Huge! I was under the impression that you had abandoned us forever, after you were mistaken for the Buddha whilst holidaying in Japan and thus took up a job dispensing wisdom for the benefit of the locals."

So you are saying I am tall and thin? FAIL. I am a genius and you know nothing. Although I do have a propensity for, as we say, propagating wisdom. Even a broken human is right twice a day (re: you.) Learn your world religions, idiot. This isn't a pop culture ignorance fiesta, although sometimes I wonder.

Hmph, I know more about worthless religions* than the idiot theist. This comes as no surprise, as theists are naturally yokelbrood and I am naturally so very clever.

*All of them. All religions and all theists.

-William Monty Hughes esqIQ too high to be measured by current systems"Cogito Ergo Sum"

YES, THEISTS LIKE THOMAS BAYES, THOMAS AQUINAS, JOHN LENNON WERE ALL IDIOTS WITH NOTHING TO ADD TO HUMANITY. BUT THAT'S OK LET'S PRETEND HUMAN DEVELOPMENT AND THEISM ARE COMPLETELY DIVISIBLE AND THAT THEISM DID NOT BRING GOOD AS WELL AS BAD.

What the hell is this?

Welcome. This is a website called XKCD SUCKS which is about the webcomic xkcd and why we think it sucks. My name is Carl and I used to write about it all the time, then I stopped because I went insane, and now other people write about it all the time. I forget their names. The posts still seem to be coming regularly, but many of the structural elements - like all the stuff in this lefthand pane - are a bit outdated. What can I say? Insane, etc.

I started this site because it had been clear to me for a while that xkcd is no longer a great webcomic (though it once was). Alas, many of its fans are too caught up in the faux-nerd culture that xkcd is a part of, and can't bring themselves to admit that the comic, at this point, is terrible. While I still like a new comic on occasion, I feel that more and more of them need the Iron Finger of Mockery knowingly pointed at them. This used to be called "XKCD: Overrated", but then it fell from just being overrated to being just horrible. Thus, xkcd sucks.

Here is a comic about me that Ann made. It is my favorite thing in the world.

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When he's not flipping a shit over prescriptivist and descriptivist uses of language, xkcdsucks' very own Rob likes writing long blocks of text about specific subjects. Here are some of his excellent refutations of common responses to this site. Think of them as a sort of in-depth FAQ, for people inclined to disagree with this site.