Monthly Archives: March 2013

Dating Part I – We have to Kiss a lot of frogs to meet our prince

Girlfriends, Midori Snyder and I share the same image of the creative and complex woman. She’s unique to herself, but willing to share those considerable gifts with a man capable of intuiting the wealth of her worth hidden beneath the skin.

If you are alone, you just have not found that intuitive man.

It’s not your fault, sooner or later you will! They’re out there.

As women, we read the tales of how the princess kisses the frog and it turns in to a prince.

Girlfriends, we realize we have to kiss a lot of frogs, so don’t give up. Keep kissing.

Never forget, a woman makes her own magic. It is the magic of her energy, excitement and the joy of life that radiates from her.

It is that irresistible allure that we, as women, have developed and perpetuated for millennia. That mystery has always helped us to level the social/sexual playing field, solidifying our place of power in society.

Now, no sitting alone!

Grab a girlfriend and go clubbing or get dressed in your sexy outfit, believe in yourself and go out solo.

There are guys who are also alone and they won’t be sitting home. They’ll be out there looking for an opportunity to meet you.

Believe me, you won’t be alone for long.

Dating Part II – Meeting a guy

There are many books written on how to find a man, how to play the game; how to manipulate and to keep your emotional distance.

If you follow this dating strategy, hold back and play hard to get, it is a game, not an opportunity to connect and develop a relationship.

You may get very good at playing the game. You may even get very good at winning the game, but, in doing so, you may lose the chance to allow love to evolve.

As women, we read the tales of how the princess kisses the frog and it turns in to a prince.

Girlfriends, we realize we have to kiss a lot of frogs. Many of them don’t turn into princes, so how do we rid ourselves of the frogs without squishing them?

I share Oscar Wilde’s observation that between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

So, when you break it off, don’t offer to be friends. Neither of you are looking for that.

I don’t recommend you do it in person, nor impersonal texting. A phone call is good middle ground.

Dating Part III – Solidify the Relationship – Women we have the control

When you Find the Right Guy.

When you find the right guy for you, you may marry or simply co-habitate for a time.

By this time, you don’t have to play games. It’s time to solidify and develop the relationship.

You’re in control of that aspect.

Although they refuse to admit it, we’ve been manipulating men for millennia. Certainly, we have the skills to lead them into situations and actions that bring pleasure to him and, in return, get pleasure from him.

Girlfriends, this means no TV, no t-shirts, no boxer shorts, no long robes or fuzzy slippers. Remember the little sexy outfit always works.

Some women come home and put on their sweats and take off their makeup. Other women come home and take off their business suit and put on a sexy little, dress and dance in front of the fire and look lovingly into their man’s eyes.

You have the power to keep the relationship growing and going.

Dating Part IV – When the Romance Fades

If we fail to keep the romance fresh and alive, if we start demanding, nagging, arguing or complaining to him about little stuff, i.e., doing house repairs, sharing in house work, demanding something be done or complaining about him being away, he will stay at the office longer or travel more. Count on it.

Remember that men will stay with the women in less than idyllic situations.

Men are fairly simple. They are fine if they can come home, have dinner prepared and then retire to the den to get on the computer, watch sports or play videos without us.

A pretty gruesome picture.

Girlfriends, we need to be continually inventive and find things our man wants to do with us or to us!

If we don’t, he will slowly disappear as husband, lover, friend, father and adoring companion.

Statistically, women comprise only 1/4 of those who commit suicide. Usually with women, their suicide attempts are a cry for help.

Mindy McCready was, obviously, in that category. She had attempted multiple times and the last time slit her wrists. Normally, women have a higher incident of depression, sometimes escalating to attempted suicide.

Psychologically, how could this celebrity downward spiral to this extent without a court-mandated order for her commitment to a facility?

At what point, does our system fail?

This is a horrible tragedy. With her history of drug and alcohol abuse, multiple suicide attempts and serious depression, where were the mental health care professional?

I know the father of her child and her father had filed for “involuntary admission” to a facility. I am unclear when this occurred, but I am sure we will find out.

McKnight (the father of the 6 year old) had filed in 2011 and three weeks ago when Mindy’s current fiancé committed suicide. This was a cry for help. Psychologically, she needed help!

Even if she had been admitted to the hospital she would have been safe for a time. She would not be able to get out of bed without an alarm going off and they would have been able to monitor her and make the decision for an appropriate facility.

Emergency room visits from addiction in 2004 to 2009; have drastically increased from 63 – 117% depending on the addiction (drugs and/or alcohol).

What went wrong? Did no one know her boyfriend had died three weeks ago and realize this as a red signal to a potential crisis? Even, if it was a call the police for psychological evaluation.

The concern is what can we do legally, as psychological professionals to monitor any person who is suffering from depression, drug and alcohol abuse and serious signs of suicide risk.

I interviewed the Director of 17 rehabilitation centers. He told me that there was a 95% recidivism rate. That is only a 5% long-term success.

There are three goals of the rehab facility; 1) Medically supervised withdrawal. 2) Minimum coping skills. 3) A 28-30 day program. All a rehab facility attempts to do is treat their addiction, withdrawal and never addressed psychological underlining reasons for their addiction. In addition, only 11% of chemically dependent people seek help from a rehab center.

Sentencing a person to a court order rehab program is really not helping them. These rehab centers treat the symptoms and not the cause. There may only be one counselor or psychologist on the site. These centers were never designed for psychological problems. It may be the reason we hear about stars like Lindsey Lohan continuing to be in rehab facilities over and over with no effective resolution.

I would suggest a better way is a combination of the 30 day rehab and then on-going weekly treatment for a minimum of one year by a psychologist or counselor to get down to the root problem of their addiction. If this had happened, perhaps, it could have prevented her suicide. If she had missed an appointment, she would have violated probation and could have been mandated to a residential treatment facility.

First as a Psychologist in my opinion, this is a Shameless promotion of his 2nd year of his TV show “therapist for Anger Management.

Does Charlie Sheen have anger management issues; yes he is running right up there with Alec Baldwin.

Prevention of Bullying in Schools

Research by APA and a psychologist expert in bullying indicates

1. There is no profile of who will be a bully. Sometimes they are regular students.

2. It has become more prevalent over the years, as suicide has occurred in those who are bullied. With the text messages, Facebook and cyper-technology bullying is a bigger problem.

3. Bully can lead to depression and is a mental health issue.

4. Parents and teachers MUST take action and interven.e

5. We don’t know if there is a direct link of depression and being bullied.

There is no psychological longitudinal study currently which indicates if you bully as a child you will bully as an adult.

First bullying in schools is unacceptable and as a former high school teacher for 4 years should not be allowed and teachers, counselors and all faculty at the school need to respond.

The incident with his 9 year old daughter of the “supposed bullying” of others girlfriends which he cited one of the girls names was handled by the school (Viewpoint school) and the LA police. . The mother Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen removed their daughter from the school approximately a year ago.

Security and safety of the school and those students and faculty of the school

This is clearly a security and safety issue with the threat of Charlie Sheen with his fans to send dog feces, rotten eggs to the school. As a psychologist, in my opinion the approximate to “acting” instead of “acting out”

For a story that will appear in an upcoming issue of Health magazine, a reporter is looking to interview M.D.s/Ph.D.s who have studied physiological changes in a woman in her 30s, 40s, and 50s — these should be changes that *specifically* affect her weight, muscle/metabolism, and fitness. I’m especially interested in new, surprising research for each decade — and very specific examples (backed up by new science) of how your body uniquely changes in each decade. The piece will look at these changes and make specific recommendations in terms of fitness and nutrition for each decade.

Health is our ability to have happiness and a positive approach and optimist view of life. The key is to enjoy the journey and to learn to balance your career and personal life to enjoy the moments. Sometimes we will sacrifice home over career or career over home and this is a normal process. Stress is a positive process in our life unless it goes to the extreme. Stress is what gives us the drive to pursue our goals in life.

I believe there are three main areas of health defined as mental, medical and physical health; mind and spiritual defined as Mental Health; body mechanisms for physical activities and exercise such as muscle strength, stretching and metabolism defined as Physical Health and nutrition defined as Medical Health including complete blood work for preventive medicine, vitamins, minerals, hormones and nutritional supplements. There is definitely overlap in the three aspects of health and various roles in exercise, eating and well being for the application of health.

Genetics and environment have an effect on weight. Environmental factors have a greater influence on women than men.

It used to be that women in their 30s were entering their career and/or balancing marriage and children. They have a higher metabolism and usually are able to keep their weight off due to their constant motion regardless if they work out or not. In your 40’s you are either experiencing “empty nest syndrome” or learning to pursue the prime of your career or find an interest or activity you finally have the time to focus on. Then in your 50s if not before our hormonal makeup changes too. The goals is to keep us as young as possible. Hormones are related to insulin and carbohydrate metabolism.

Nutrition can play a role in reduction of stress and anxiety. The more we can stress the importance of nutrition and health the more it will have a positive effect on our stress and anxiety levels.

A recent study by American Psychological Association (APA) found a very disturbing fact of younger Americans and their difficulty to achieve healthy living goals. All generations reported managing stress is extremely important. The study indicates that Millennials (age 18-33) and Gen Xers (age 34-47) report the highest level of stress and Boomers (age 48-66) still had a higher level of stress that that is healthy.

Although this study did not separate for gender – it found that younger Americans are eating more combined with drinking and smoking at a higher rate. The only level of exercise was walking. Certainly, this high rate of young adults eating more that the other groups and using food as comfort to deal with stress is disturbing.

There is a need to account for metabolism as well as calories consumed verses calories expended. The individual differences due to body mechanisms, age, exercise levels and stages in your life are to be taken into consideration. The expectation of immediate and unrealistic weight loss leads to jumping from one fade diet to another. These continuous fad diets are often utilized by women and may be a cause of regain of weight. There is a history of a regain of at least a third of the weight loss in a year. This allows women attempting weight loss to become a victim. They blame genetics; environment, hormones and I just cannot change. It is necessary to take into account your mood, stress and goals on health and eating. In addition, I find most women lie about what they are eating, and so it is difficult to even have an idea what they eat; they hide food, sneak food and become obsessed with food and weight. This leads into a continuous cycle of the same behavior and the same results.

Therefore, we as psychologists, MD’s need to implement an intervention plan for the mainstream population that is entering middle age and defined as 30-60 years old. A program needs to combine the three aspects of health; mental, medical and physical to focus on healthy eating, weight loss, exercise and activities for leisure that continue to get our bodies to move and increase our metabolism.

In my opinion, women have more of a problem with weight due to increased lack of self esteem and confidence especially as all women’s magazine show the young, beautiful and thin model.

Individual focus on cognitive processes as they related to eating, exercise, stress and health will focus future generations on reduction in illness and disease. The continued study in the area of body ad mind fitness will benefit all. The key is balance our mind and body with enjoyment and health without obsession or guilt. Health is our ability to realize that life offers challenges, yet we have control over how we handle the experiences and how we fulfill our live. To do this we must have an equal balance of mental, physical and spiritual well being which changes throughout our lifetime in various degrees and at various points in our life. Certainly, it seems like we have more focus on nutrition and health yet the facts show the younger generation is failing to take notice and psychologically are starting a lifetime spiral.

His feeling of “guilt” stems from his knowledge that he killed his girlfriend. It is not an admission of murder.

Guilt can cause a tremendous amount of stress. Guilt can override your ability to function day after day and can consume all thoughts and feelings. It can lead to depression and most suicides are preceded by deep depression.

Stress

Add to the stress of guilt is the added stress of standing trial where his life hangs in the balance. Can anyone consider a more stressful circumstance than this? I think not. Whether guilty or innocent, he knows he has lost everything he has worked so hard to achieve; his loss of reputation as a well-known athlete and a symbol for handicapped people around the world.

Dislocation

OK, if this is not enough, the feeling of dislocation; the breaking of his normal life routine, not being in his own environment and forced out of his comfort zone of home and the restriction of his personal freedom.

This, combined with the previous stressors I have mentioned, is a recipe for deep depression and potential risk of suicide.

So the question is he a potential candidate for “suicide”? I believe the answer is yes.

In my opinion, mental health professionals may be able to help him address his current situation and give him some tools for coping with the circumstances he now faces. Therefore, certainly he should be seeing a psychologist and monitored to intervene in any potential suicide attempt.

As a Psychologist, I am concerned with the current number of workers dropping out of the work force, giving up hope of finding a job, becoming discouraged and failing to seek training to obtain the skills for a job position that will provide them with a job future.

Psychological studies indicate a link between unemployment and increase in mental health issues.

The 1938 studies in the Great Recession, the 1957 studies of the Middle Recession and the most recent studies of the Modern Recession focus on the mental health issues of the unemployed. They targeted on those who were out of work for more than 2 years.

All studies indicated that there was an increase in depression.

Breadwinners, usually men, were torn from their traditional roles as providers, while other family members were forced into non-traditional roles to provide the income for the family to survive.

First, in a well-functioning family, everyone sacrifices to weather the bad times, assuming that the primary breadwinner will again be employed in a relatively short period of time.

The problem arises when joblessness is extended for a long period of time. It can cause increasing stress on interpersonal relationships and may result in a breakdown in traditional roles and the fabric of the family.

Differences in men and their response to this situation

The tradition family role is for men to be the breadwinner. They always assumed they would be able to provide for their wife and children. It is their responsibility and duty to do so.

When the man is one of the long term unemployed, women’s option to stay at home and raise the children is no longer an option. They must seek employment, changing the dynamics of the traditional family, causing tension from unrealized expectations and unusual sacrifices.

As mentioned, long term unemployment and the egocentric loss of family position as “breadwinner” can result in depression.

The depression can be so severe that the tasks of performing domestic chores, house work, cooking, laundry and dropping off and picking up the children at school and their activities to help out the family is beyond them.

The entire family fabric may become completely unraveled, when the woman begins to ask herself, “If my husband can’t contribute to the family finances, why do I need him?”

What to do?

Anyone out of work for extended periods of time is susceptible to bouts of mild to severe depression.

Spouses and family members need to realize the signs of depression, i.e. unusual sleep patterns, lack of energy, alcohol abuse and other forms of aggressive behavior.

The family members must encourage their spouse to get a full physical and seek the help of a psychologist to focus on specific coping skills. It may take a combination of a pharmaceutical and therapeutic approach to properly address depression.

Convince and support the spouse to enter training programs and develop the skills necessary to work in growth industries that offer opportunity for employment.

To have the entire family agree, if necessary, to relocate to states that have low unemployment rates.

To have the entire family realize the value of keeping the traditional family intact.

Good stress is the kind of stress that makes our adrenaline kick in. Knowing that you will be challenged to use all your skills and herculean effort to get the job done is stressful. However, at the end of the day, the rewards of achievement, personal satisfaction, professional growth, overcoming obstacles, meeting deadlines and accomplishing goals makes it worthwhile. The rewards counter-balance the stress.

Bad stress can adversely affect our immune system. Bad stress is generally long term and can be summed up in one word, “worry”. Unlike good stress, where there is an element of control, worry occurs when people lose control of outcomes and circumstances. The loss of job, downsizing and layoffs are often beyond the scope of that control.

Living in a constant state of mental stress results in changes in brain chemistry which manifests in a deterioration of physical health. There are two major chemical changes, the decrease in serotonin and the increase in cortisol.

The harmful effect of long term stress, when serotonin remain at low levels and cortisol remains at high levels, the chemical process changes from a healthy response to a harmful one. It damages our tissue, increases vascular inflammation and has an adverse effect to our autoimmune system, increasing our susceptibility to disease, cancer, high blood pressure, diabetes, and heart disease.

So how do we address it? First, by being aware of the consequences of continued stress to our bodies and then, getting help to identify the source of the stress. Resultant therapy helps our clients to identify stressors and develop strategies to deal with them before causing systemic harm. Psychology’s aim is to help clients achieve their goals of health, happiness and wellbeing!

Skype has been used for years as a way to talk to family and friends and has approximately 600,000 users internationally. It is much more personal than a phone call or text message.

Now, Psychologists and Physicians are using Skype and other video conferencing systems with their patients. Video and audio conferencing is as easy as using your laptop or iPad with a camera and access to Internet connection.

Five years ago, I purchased a secure video server for my company that complies with the requirements of the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act. If a Psychologist or Physician bills Insurance companies or Medicare they must use a compliant video system. Skype is not in compliance.

My Life Consultants system allows Healthcare Professionals to work with groups of up to eight clients, who share similar situations such as depression, divorce, loneliness or dealing with stress.

The benefit of video systems is the client can access a psychologist at the time they are experiencing depression or anxiety in the privacy of their home at a moments notice without having to make an office appointment. It also allows mental health professionals to check up on those who are located in rural areas to deal with day-to-day issues without the inconvenience of travel.

With video the client gets to see and talk to a professional and make an informed decision, check the Psychologists’ credentials and see if the Psychologist is the one with whom the client is comfortable.

Teachers and guns in the classroom

First, there is no danger to children. If a teacher has a concealed carry license then no one in the classroom should know. The purpose of a “concealed carry license” is the gun must be concealed. It must be with you at all times. As a previous teacher, and now a psychologist that lives in Texas, I have a concealed carry license. A teacher with a concealed carry license in the classroom will have the training and skills to help keep her students safe. She takes personal responsibility to add an additional layer of safety for her students. She now has the potential to keep an armed intruder at bay for those critical minutes before first responders arrive.

Video games and violence

We are not going to change the Internet, video games or technology. It is not the playing of a video game that is the problem. It is the misunderstanding that the violence of a video game, where the children see shooting a target, is just a game. Violence is acceptable and desirable in the rules of video play. The problem lies in the potential of blurring the lines between what is a game and what is reality.

My suggestion is take them to a gun range where a qualified instructor teaches them gun safety. On the gun range they learn shooting is a serious business, it has real life rules and is not a harmless video game.

On a gun range, one learns how to safely handle a gun; what a gun can do; the sound, noise and smell the gun makes, when you pull the trigger and the seriousness of real life consequences. Finally, and most importantly is learning the responsibility of using a gun, because the target represents a real person. In real life, you do not get a “do over” and start the video game over. This is for real. There are real bullets in a real gun that have the potential to kill people.

Responsibility develops with clear knowledge of danger. Making sure your child understands what a gun does and the safety rules involved gives the child knowledge. They learn to assume all guns are loaded and to never point a gun at another person. This knowledge may prevent the death of a playmate or sibling. Real guns are not toys. Children, if taught, understand this.

Video games are also a concern if the contribute to the isolation of the child.

When children are spending all their time alone with computers, playing video games or on the Internet, they fail to learn socialization skills. Therefore, isolation and lack of socialization is a mental health problem.

Parents need to limit amount of time their children spend on video games, Internet and TV and be aware of what games their children are playing. Spending time playing videos with your child will enhance the parent/child relationship and parents will know what their children are playing. It might even turn out to be fun.

Socialization is achieved at school through learning to get along with others, playing team sports, experience winning and losing and being accepted and, sometimes, rejected by a group.

As children, we learn by socializing with other students. We learn to respect others. We learn to discover what groups are best for us. We learn that, yes, we will be rejected and, yes, we will be accepted in certain circles and groups. We learn that it is a normal part of life and prepare us for dealing with rejection and acceptance in jobs and careers without becoming psychologically devastated.

Violent Video Games and TV – How does it affect children?

Children are going to watch TV and play video games. It is not the playing of the video game or watching TV that is the problem, yet the violence of the TV or video games may contribute as a variable. A longitudinal study just came out on children watching violent TV and looked at children at the age of 10- 12 and tracked them in their 20’s and found these children were more aggressive and violent as adults.

First is the importance of socialization.

Socialization is achieved at school through learning to get along with others, playing team sports, experience with winning and losing and being accepted and sometimes, rejected by a group.

As children, we learn by socializing with other students. We learn to respect others. We learn to discover what groups are best for us. We learn that yes, we will be accepted in certain circles and groups. We learn that is a normal part of life and prepare us for dealing with rejection and acceptance in jobs and careers without becoming psychologically devastated.

Then there is parental support

Some children have parents that watch the video games they play, make sure the child is playing the video games in the family room, limits the amount of time their child plays video games or watches TV and even may have fun playing video games with their children and that way they can talk about the video games or TV– how real they are and sometimes how violent they are and make sure they are not blurring the lines between what is real and what is a game.

The parents that are supportive recognize when their child is not interested in other activities and not socializing and will seek help. Get them involved in other activities to find their talents?
There are parents who lack the support system and time to give their children. As a result, they fail to recognize when their child is isolated and may just be happy to have their child busy with no knowledge what they are doing.

Finally it is about teachers, psychologists and counselors in the schools to recognize those that need help and getting the help they need.

There are multiple variables that affect a child, lack of socialization skills, lack of parental support and lack of self esteem and confidence to find a talent and activity that gives them excitement and leads to their desire to pursue an healthy outlet. If they fail to do so we will see a continued downward spiral of their behavior and psychologically with no self worth or confidence they have no concern for others.

Winter blues and alone, now it is time to get out and socialize

OK, winter will soon be over and the sun will be shining. We need to plan for getting out of the house and no more excuses of strayed in the weather.

Single girlfriends, I am talking about you. A 2012 studies of Singles in America reveals that approximately 1/3 of the population are single.

As women we are creative and complex willing to share are considerable gifts with a man capable of intuiting the wealth of her worth beneath the skin.

If you are alone you just have not found that intuitive man.

I have been there. It is not your fault, sooner or later you will.

Psychology can provide you guidance to deal with distressing life events and the overwhelming emotions accompanying them. Get out because a common thread of depression is the incident of loneliness and negative thoughts. Interestingly if you have experienced loneliness for two or more years it may be an indication of at least mild depression.

Individuals with loneliness issues can result in feelings of decreasing social contacts and troubled interpersonal relationships.

Therefore, quality relationships with friends are better than quantity relationships with strangers. For happiness you may have to shift your concentration from personal pleasure and fulfillment. There is nothing wrong with putting emotional relationships on the back burner for a period of time.

Never forget a woman makes her own magic. It is the magic of her energy, excitement and the joy of life that radiates from her.

It mystery has always helped us to level the social/sexual playing field, solidifying our place of power in society,

You could stay home and wear your robe an fuzzy slippers. Instead, grab a friend or get dressed up in your sexy outfit, have confidence in yourself.

There are guys who are also single and along and they will be out there looking for an opportunity to meet you. Believe me you won’t be alone for long!

Women are in the military and have a significant role. Women compose approximately 35% of the military. Problems may occur when women are in combat positions.

A couple of situations can be easily anticipated

Men are protective of women and come to their rescue and may expose themselves to unnecessary risk.

Men in combat are encouraged and trained to be highly aggressive and may be aggressive to a woman.

Men tend to be naturally more aggressive and women naturally more sensitive and caring.

However, the question is how young infantrymen will react to women in combat. Do women have the same physical strength, aggressiveness and stamina? Will they be equal with their male counterparts in infantry units?

In a mixed gender combat unit, the opportunity for sexual assault may increase dramatically.

Sexual assault is serious and demands serious consequences. If this happens there is a risk of removing trained combat soldiers, through the judicial system, from the battlefield. That is the goal of the enemy.

As a psychologist, I must question, in addition to meeting the physical requirements, if women have the psychological make-up to take a life? Women, after all, are givers, nurturers and preservers of life.

At what point is this about politics, instead of what is best for women, men and the military? This may be a social experiment contrary to the infantryman’s mission to “kill the enemy”.

If the social experiment does not enhance the ability to “kill the enemy” then it should not be done and could be detrimental to our military.

My thought is, “let’s ask military women of their experiences and thoughts”. As Secretary of Defense, Panetta, moves to clear women for combat roles, women are responding positively.

Women want the right to pursue any career. It is a proven fact, women are just as intelligent as men, can develop similar motor skills and situational awareness that make us the equals of men in flying combat aircraft.

Women say that if they can complete the same physical and endurance requirements as their male counterparts, they see no reason they cannot be successful in combat roles.

Yet, the U.S. Marine Corps has already invited women in join their infantry school two years ago without lowering standards. Last year only two signed up and neither made the grade. None signed up this year.

Finally, if it does occur, it must be without the disruption of military discipline, unit cohesion and good order. If they perform at the level of their male peers, then they should be a welcomed addition to any combat unit.