Thursday, January 21, 2010

Sounds like the Future but in fact, is the Past... Going all the way back from the Great Birth that probably happened at some point...

Studying the universe of the biological Body is fascinating, enlightening, and stupifyingly complex.

I have a cool book about the known processes of the human immune system that is my go-to text when I am sick of the lightstream that is the Net. It is written for the layperson (me), with enough technical language to keep things scientifically accurate.

The most interesting thing about the book is that, unlike most texts, it happily admits that very little is known about anything.

Finally, some honesty.

It is understood that there are groups of cells that swoop down to the site of any damaged tissue - microphages - and get to work cleaning out the area and destroying any bacteria or pollutants... There are the next-level guys (big eaters = macrophages) that do the same, there are antibodies (produced by the body to deactivate antigens, foreign substances in the body)...

They have their soldiers, and they engage in typical, chemical, and asymmetrical warfare - some cells can shoot others (granulocytes), some cause chemical reactions that blow-up tumor cells (NK cells.. awesome)... There is a mysterious substance called Interferon that cells deploy to fuck with the machinery of virus-inhabited cells, inhibiting their ability to replicate... There is an elaborate system of chemical communication between the brain, the limbic system and untold other regions using messages called Cytokines... little emails between varied regions that say "Got it", "Send more weapons to this region", or "We are fucking up"

Amazing, isn't it?

I mean - Why?

Good and bad, good and bad.... In the human world everything is grey, relative, and fluid according to norms and such...

In the natural world, devoid of morality, there is only the Threat and the Killer.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

We fear what we don't understand; it follows that if you don't understand yourself, you will become very fearful of yourself.

Isn't it confounding when you do something that makes no sense? One time I had a couple whiskeys in me and I walked out of a bar wearing someone else's jacket.

It was totally on purpose; I just felt like stealing. I had plenty of money so there was no motive beyond stupidity.

Luckily, that night I was spared a punching (dude tore the jacket off my frame, stared at me hard, and went back inside). But that was just one of a hundred thousand fuck-ups that have defined the majority of my life.

I'm sure you can relate - no need for an AA meeting here.

Could it be that fucking up, over and over and over again, is in fact our crossed-wires reaction to impulses that we don't understand?

Do we attempt to destroy what we fear - what we cannot understand?

Ourselves?

The short answer, for me at least, is yes.

Once this uncomfortable truth was identified, it was clear what had to be done: I had to start the process of making peace with myself.

Only, I wasn't ready. It took a couple more years of suffering before I finally injured myself so badly that there was nowhere to go, nowhere to hide any longer.

It took until I had literally no other options, until I was confined to a bed, flush with agony and stricken with narcotic emptiness, before I finally stopped... started to breathe... and raised my eyes to face my aggressor, my tormentor - myself.

Sorry, I know this is coming across a bit self-involved (a bit? ;) - Ed.), but it's a personal topic after all, not to mention I'm only starting to get this myself...

I hope that anyone who reads this understands that I need this for me too - I don't only write for people to read.

The journey to the center of my own existence was prompted by need...

I had been steadily taking 2 x 2mg Dilaudid pills, three times a day, to dull the pain of a severe injury.

Like any heroin, it didn't take long before the little pink bastards were no longer up to the task of fighting off the waves of deep, crushing pain that accompany a broken-and-reassembled femur.

In the basement, alone in darkness, I writhed like an animal...

I pleaded in desperation to an unknown God... I tried to sleep the remainder of my life away...

But there was no way out.

When I awoke from a 14 hour heroin-sleep, mentally and physically shattered...

When I awoke to find the beginnings of bedsores on my elbows, legs, back...

I fucking lost it.

In this moment, I realized the true, fundamental, nature of Human Existence:

Fight - or Die.

Adrenalin surged, my mind snapped taut. One thought overwhelmed: NO.

I surged upward, reached for my crutches, and maneuvered my way up to a hobbling stature, breathing through clenched and dirty teeth.

I stood, naked and broken, but not dead. I felt my heart pumping fluid and my brain calculating my balance. I felt my eyes sharpen to razors and my balls fill with blood.

No fucking way. Not like this.

I wanted to scream, to twist the steel crutches into wire, to rip my flesh off with my bare hands.

I hadn't known that I wanted to live - ever. Having never been faced with the rotting of my own facilities, the test had never been put to my Will to Live.

And when I had finally sunk myself so low, after years of pushing and pushing - I ran face-first into Nature's first command, wound deep and simple, hidden in a little box on a strand of DNA:

Live.

I stood, sweat-soaked and emaciated - and I Saw, for the first time.

I could see the knot in my bone, the one being carefully knitted by the army of benevolence that was - Is - my Body. I could see the crackling of the energy deep within the structure I inhabit, could feel the warm and assured hum of Healing - working, working.

I saw, finally, that it Loved me.

It had been with me since I was conceived, had spent untold kilowatts of cosmic power to design and grow me... to protect me from Death, ever in the wings... it had subverted callous bacteria and cunning viruses, led great armies, had fought and would continue to fight - to the very end - because it Loves me... Believes in me and my ability to do good, not bad...

It is coded deep within the elusive currents that wind between relatively sturdy islands of study: immune system function, emotional states, drugs, spirituality, the quantum level of reality...

Actually, none of those are sturdy fields of study.. But they are better-explored than the new creeks and rivers I'm stepping into..

Learning to like yourself is Step One for those of us with issues - standard, North American-issue issues like self-loathing, perpetual illness, impotent anger... issues that are often compounded by intangible factors like uncertainty and uncomfortability (new word).

When your body is the enemy, the failed state, the lurking terrorist - external hardships are rendered black-and-white, muted by the constant hum of internal Threat.

In this state - when occupying this particular range of bandwidth - Pain is a Master, Love is like a bad touch from an uncle, and Fear is a well-worn, springy, black-as-night couch that is impossibly uncomfortable but consistently reassuring in it's familiarity.

When we live this Reality, it is unavoidable: We Are It.

It isn't a mindset that can be cheered-up, nor a mood that can be swept aside by distraction.

Not a reaction to a set of circumstances; It is the circumstance, You are the circumstance -

I am the circumstance, and I cannot be avoided.

I have come to discover, however, that I can be negotiated with.

I talk to myself a lot. This could of course be considered unhealthy, but I think offhand dismissals of curious human behavior as 'crazy' is as myopic as believing anything that the revered psychoanalyst, cocaine-addict Freud had to say...

And his theories have formed the basis of our entire social philosophy in the 20th century...

So whats really crazy - basing your world-view on the rantings of an incest-obsessed cokehead, or having a dialogue with yourself?

Moving right along...

Talking to ones' self is an exercise in Rationality, not lunacy. It is an attempt to externalize the continuous internal dialogue that we as people carry with us - an attempt to shed the light of the world on the dark corners of our own psyche... The idea being that things make more sense once examined in reality than they do trapped in our heads.

Without ever having touched a therapeutic text in regards to how one might heal insatiable wounds of the spirit, I've come to realize that building up a dialogue with yourself is one of the keys to negotiating a ceasefire.

It is after all your Self that you are at war with - it makes sense that the Self must be invited to the bargaining table.

Some psychoanalysis is strictly focused on the determination of the trigger - what happened to make you this way? - but after some paddling about in that river of filth, I find it to be entirely unhelpful.

You could liken it to being stuck in a dirt-pit, and deciding that the best way to get out would be to sit down and think about that first shovel-bite that got you there...

It doesn't work - not for me, not for anybody. All it does is start (or reinforce) the process of defining yourself by your problems, your issues, your nightmares.

The closer you hold them - your precious trauma - the more confidently they own you.

Going the opposite route - pretending that everything is fine, that you are happy and well-adjusted and, no, you don't want to drag a razor across your own tongue - invariably leads to the complete ownership of your soul by your trauma. Every second you evade it, deny it, it cackles with steel teeth and a forever smile of hate... Laughing at your pitiful, scrounging, transparent (to everyone) attempt to pretend to be Normal.

Normal - which doesn't exist on Planet Earth, except as a false concept in some of our minds.

So - pretending it's not there won't work. Gingerly stepping in to the hot shit-bath of trauma analysis - also, won't work.

Just like in any war, the only way to start to bring a rational, workable solution to the table...

Is to Talk.

One of the things I noticed about myself, after many years, is that when I talk to myself, I always say 'we'.

As in: "Ok. We have to make it to the dentist this week, and ideally, we should refrain from smoking weed for a couple days after they rip that tooth out."

This is common - you could even say it's Normal :)

This nearly-universal commonality in the self-conversation shows how there is an inherent divide within most of us - I think it's fair to say that the divide is what separates our Higher and Lower selves.

The Higher self conspires to control and contain the irrational Lower self - the side that succumbs to self-abuse, disregard for harmony, the side that says "yeaaahrreaggghh" and sniffs up piles of coke like old Sigmund.

Conscience, Morality, Reason - these are the traits of the language used by the Higher Self.

So when we speak with ourselves, we are attempting to reason with an unreasonable beast - the caged-rhino inside who would rather just wreck the place, pump one out and collapse in slumber.

Remember the song, "God help the beast in me?"

Remember how earlier this week, I wrote about how God is actually our higher nature?

Now I'm talking to myself again... hold up.

So talking to yourself, according to me, is in fact very healthy, especially for someone who doesn't like themselves.

Humans don't like to be confused; we are really fucking smart (and stupid, in other ways).

When you are as smart as we are, anything that cannot be understood is immediately classified as Threat.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Once you've bounced off the bottom a few times, you acquire a sort of metaphysical altimeter that beeps red when you start to drop again. These beeps often show up as thought patterns - meaning when certain thoughts arrive, your survival instinct recognizes them as dangerous and tells you so - but not always. Sometimes the alarm is external, a 'sign' to you to change your current path, and quickly.

It's funny how guilt and subconscious desires work... Some theorize that our actions are just a product of varied internal pressures, that free will is not free at all but at the whim of our biochemistry. Others think the opposite, that too much attention is paid to the details of action and thought, and not enough paid to the grand cosmic force that is our ability to Choose.

As usual, I think the truth lies somewhere in between.

One thing I am sure of is that when my altimeter starts to spin and whine with mechanical stress, I need to stop and examine what I am doing - physically, mentally, spiritually.

Caving to your worst desires is a death of sorts. Paradoxically, being a paragon of virtue and continuously denying your own twisted ideas is a kind of death as well.

The French call the orgasm petit mort, meaning 'the small death'. It's an apt description, since any and all of Life's rich array of emotions can be found in this window to eternity, depending on the situation...

One of the more overlooked concepts in religious texts, specifically the Bible, is the concept of the temple of worship. Jesus said something to the effect that external houses of worship are unnecessary to see God; that, in fact, God resides within us all.

Actually, a lot of what Jesus 'said' (flip through one of those Bibles that has all Jesus' actual words in red) was awesome: don't kill, don't steal, don't try to nail your friend's wife, etc.

Solid advice... and He hates interest charges too.

I think the bit about no temples of worship is one of the most revealing and important ideas in the Bibes. And since I think that the Bible is an amalgamation of a whole bunch of different allegories, tales, truths, distortions, and fiction - I think it is fair to say that some of it's strongest messages need not only apply to Christian thinkers. If you are critical and selective, you will discover that there is something to be learned in every text... Even the National Enquirer.

Knowing that there need be no mediator between us and God is a giant fucking relief. To know that speaking with God is means simply opening your mind and connecting with the infinite energy source that Is All Things is empowering, humbling, and eternally refreshing.

Priests, Imams, and Rabbis are people who have somehow been convinced that they are closer to God than you or I; that they have his ear and his blessing.

This is one hundred percent bullshit, wrapped in a costume and housed in a mansion of suffering.

God, simply, is our Higher Nature. It is the spark of divinity that humans are blessed with.

It is not your cleverness, your intelligence, or your cynicism. It is not your ability to manipulate; it is your ability to inspire. Not your ability to kill, but your choice to show mercy.

When we Choose Well, we harness the power of the true God that resides within us.

The root of all Choice is Morality - a human construct, necessary to our survival as a species.

Morality - an intangible manifestation of our inherent sympathy towards ourselves and our fellow life forms - is what keeps the majority of us from killing, raping, stealing and torturing - ourselves, as well as others.

When we subvert morality, pretend it doesn't exist or dismiss it as an archaic, intangible concept... We enter the gates of the real Hell, the Hell that exists just a few minutes from you..

The Hell found in a crack rock, or a hate-fuck, or a nuclear explosion..

Debasing morality is what 'progressive' culture is about - whether it be through porn or corrupted environmentalism, the idea is to scrub away any notion of human divinity... To reduce us to no more than the lizards and moths - eating, fucking, killing, dying - and to keep us seeing ourselves that way...

Because then, we can do anything.

Once we allow ourselves to believe that we are simple animals, all is lost. Why would we care to help each other? In Nature, its survival of the fittest. That means if I can kill you, there be no consequence - it was mandated by the divinity of Nature.

That means you can have sex with your daughter - why not? Animals do it. To do otherwise would be 'unnatural'...

Extreme? Yes. But how about a concept a little less insane - role-play.

We have been slowly conditioned to believe that if it happens in a role-play setting, then it's 'not real' - that we are just pretending, and by extension anything that happens within the scenario has no consequences.

Rape role-play, pedophilia role-play, even animal-play and pretend-incest - this garbage behaviour has been gradually introduced to the sexual mainstream under the guise of 'being free' and 'ending discrimination'.

The idea that these kinds of behaviours have no impact on the moral and social fabric of reality is absurd. To believe so is to employ the same logic that calls the invasion and occupation of a country by armed soldiers a 'peacekeeping mission'.

The way to defeat this sick philosophy is through cultivation of morality - through treating each other well.

Furthering this concept, since there is no middleman needed to speak to God, the true house of worship is in fact our own body.

This castle of flesh is our Temple, within which we reside.

When we treat ourselves or others with impunity, we are disrespecting the homes that we live within, the construct that we cannot escape for the duration of this lifetime...

Every person is at war with him or herself, and the experience is relative - For me, to not drink for a week is no feat at all; for the alcoholic, such a challenge is a matter of life and death.

Keeping this concept in mind, it is our own weaknesses and flaws that we must challenge. To truly live, we have to reject our base animalistic desires in favour of reflection, calm, and deliberate actions.

And on the days that we fuck up - the days that we smoke crack rocks, get hookers, or drop bombs on strangers...

Thursday, January 14, 2010

One certainty about homosexuality is that gay sex is inconsequential in nature; it is a biologically meaningless act. The experience is simply a repeated firing of electrochemical circuits during orgasm - followed by nothing.

Sex with a female, however, is entirely different. One kiss from a beautiful woman can send a man reeling for days. Real, uninhibited sex between a man and woman feels like a trip to another universe. There are measurable physical changes in members of opposite sexes when they interact, even just during a conversation.

I think that the reason sex with a woman leaves you feeling physically and spiritually invigorated and sex with a man leaves you feeling unfazed is both metaphysical and biological in nature.

My guess is, the intoxication associated with heterosexual sex is due to the fact that the Potential for the creation of new life is permeating the entire experience.

When a man and a woman have sex, ancient enzymes in our saliva are mixing and transforming… hormone and pheromone exchanges are taking place… biological organs with the express purpose of breeding new life are interacting.

Between two males, however, there is no 'chemistry'. Nature knows there is no possibility of new life being created from the encounter, and so it provides none of the electrochemical magic normally used to entice you into breeding with a woman.

Nature, in essence, is dismissing the sex as a non-event - in the hopes that you will miss the experiential reward of hetero sex, and next time use your seed in a more 'productive' manner.

I think that gay people can love each other with the same depth of affection that heterosexual couples do, but I don’t think the actual intoxication of creation can be experienced in gay sex, even in the most extreme of stimulating situations.

The physical reaction from the body is there, there is a blast of 'pleasure' - but it is one-dimensional and icy, a shock of release that quickly fades to grey.

Among primates, homosexuality and incest is a part of daily life. But primates do not possess the spark of divinity that we do; primates cannot conceptualize, design and create vast works of architecture, engineering and art.

Among humans, unique with our (necessary) concept of moral relativity and our conceptual brilliance, homosexuality is rooted in the dark side of lust, found in the wiring of natures emotional and chemical black markets…