The Black Sheep

5 UConn Midterms Huskies Might Actually Pass

In the middle of midterms, it can feel like you’re the dumbest person alive and will never pass a test, let alone find a job, love, or a purpose in your miserable excuse for a life. But all hope is not lost: imagine a brighter future, with classes that you could actually pass! We dialed up some UConn midterms you might have a shot at, just so you can feel some sort of happiness in the joyless pre-winter state we’re all currently drifting through.

5.) CHEM 1000Q – Balancing Beavers and Puking Probability:Every Husky knows the true mark of the weekend is the point when you forget about how soul-cripplingly painful your week was. CHEM 1000Q – Balancing Beavers and Puking Probability would be the easiest class you’d take all year, because like, human nature. After killing it all semester with your thought-provoking ideas on how to last even longer at Nickel, get ready to murder the midterm, since every question consists of taking a shot of a Beaver and rating your probability of puking. You’ve been doing this since freshman year, so not only are you guaranteed to get a 4.0, you know the best Life Sciences bathroom to puke in while stumbling over to Student Health Services.

4 Credits. Not available to students in the Lightweight Learning Community.

4.) GEOG 2666 – Getting Stranded in a Commuter Lot:You know that feeling when you’re on the Green Line, having a streamlined, pleasant ride that leaves you right at your classroom without any kind of inconvenience? No, you don’t, because that doesn’t fucking exist. If you’ve spent the better part of the semester speeding down Discovery Drive because your bus abandoned you in the middle of nowhere, this is the midterm for you. Just like the UConn bus system, you’ll think it’s pretty straightforward. Get on, ride, get off. But joke’s on you motherfucker, because this midterm is as far out as W lot. Get ready for the ride of your life as you strap in and get taken 30 minutes out of the way, only to be delayed for the hellish eternity that is the bus drivers switching. Roll up to the actual test halfway through, but fear not – your buddy with a garage pass will just slip you the answers while your sweat pools in your unforgiving Austin seat.

3.) ANTH 2069(W) – Hookups and Human Decency:Put all that awkward eye contact across Laurel 102 to use with a midterm that you were made for. For this test, you’ll need to present a research project on just how many former hookups you can run into on a campus of over 19,000. Lucky for you, it’ll only take a few trips to Grille 86 and Husky Village before you’re racking up exes the same way the women’s basketball team racks up points. If you’re crafty with an iClicker, take this at the W level, and send secret messages to your boo when the TA isn’t looking. Best of all, snag some extra credit points on the midterm by MindTapping an awkward run in at the U with voiceover like you’re a real documentarian. “The girl is awkwardly sipping from her Freshens, while the boy offers all his points to her in a last-ditch effort to get her to go to a SUBOG movie with him this Friday.” With material that rich, you’ll barely need to study.

3/4 Credits. Also offered as HDFS – What It Means to Have a Meaningful Relationship

2.) MGMT 4000 – From Chemistry to ITE in Under Five Minutes:When the registrar really fucks you and puts your classes on opposite ends of campus, it’s time to get crafty. Luckily, you can make it from the Chemistry Building to ITE in no time, so long as you cut through four different buildings and don’t mind endangering your personal safety (just a little bit). Hop, skip, and jump your way through Pharmacy, Bromwell, Castleman, and Rowe, and pop out on Fairfield Way like the planning genius you are. Just remember to take it easy around Bromwell — the mysterious smoke stacks and lurking Jorgensen wannabes create a creepy, zombie-like mix of Shakespeare recitations and hyped-up engineers. Just run straight through them and into the haven of the Union if it gets to be too much. You’re already out of breath from you sprint across campus, so Treat Yo’ Self to Dunks and stroll on into ITE for the best test ever.

3 Credits. Two lectures and one 50 minute discussion (blessedly held in Austin).

1.) PSYC 3600 – Intimidating Underclassmen for Dining Swipes:When you’ve got fucked up math skills even after scraping through MATH 1070Q, you’ve probably run out of dining swipes. Use your Day of Sin Awareness intimidation skills and bully the freshman at Towers’ dining hall into letting you into their sweet, sweet pasta bar utopia. Ace this midterm once, and you’re set for life. After all, an effective Bouncer-Outside-Huskies face that works once, will work a thousand times.

One day, we Huskies hope to see a brighter future where we can replace our really fucking hard midterms with ones that play to our strengths. Until that time, we won’t judge you for your breakdown in the middle of Homer, so long as you don’t judge us.