Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
5346

Mile High Mishap
Just after takeoff, the captain of the airplane made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 336, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach yelled: "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
5347

Flying South
A bird was flying south for winter, but he had left too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was having a crap, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realized the excrement was actually thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. At that very same moment a cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it.
There are three morals to this story:
1. Not everyone who gets you into sh*t is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend
3. If you are in sh*t, keep your mouth shut
Ryan Murphy

Terms of Endearment
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends: "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Father.'"
The second Catholic man chirps: "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic gent says: "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says, 'Your Eminence.’"
The fourth Catholic man then says: "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness.'"
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle: "Well...?"
She proudly replies: "I have a daughter. She's slim, tall and has 38D breasts, a 24-inch waist and 34-inch hips. When she walks into a room, everyone stops what they're doing and says, "Oh My God!" Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
5350

For The Record
A man walks into a music store to buy an old-school vinyl record. As he gets ready to check out, he discovers that he forgot his wallet. But instead of running back home to get it, he decides to steal the record by sticking it down his pants.
The cashier spots him on the way out and yells: "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
The man replies, "Well, I don't know if it's a record, but I haven't heard any complaints."
Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
5351

Good For What Ails You
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
"Are you the owner?" Jacob asks the man behind the counter.
"Yes," the pharmacist answers.
"Do you sell heart medication?" Jacob asks.
"Of course, we do," the pharmacist replies.
"How about medicine for circulation?" Jacob inquires.
"All kinds," the pharmacist replies.
"Medicine for rheumatism?" Jacob asks.
"Definitely," the pharmacist says.
"How about suppositories?" Jacob asks.
"You bet!" the pharmacist says.
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills and Geritol?" Jacob inquires.
"Absolutely," the pharmacist says.
"Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Jacob asks.
"We sure do," the pharmacist confirms.
"You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Jacob asks.
"All speeds and sizes," the pharmacist says.
"Adult diapers?" Jacob asks.
"Sure," the pharmacist says.
"Great!" Jacob says enthusiastically: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Ryan Murphy

Sunday

Joke
N°
5352

Hard Times
A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are talking about life. The cucumber says: "When I get big and hard, they chop me up and toss me in a salad."
The pickle says: "You've got it easy. When I get big and hard, they chop me up and drown me in vinegar."
The penis says: "That's nothing compared to what I have to go through. When I get big and hard, they put a plastic bag over my head, shove me into a small, hot, damp cave and bang my head against a wall until I throw up and faint."
Ryan Murphy