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yes, ladies and gentlemen- i wasn’t looking for this, but it is there, being peddled in a corner near your home, your office, your children…

like a louche voyeur, i watch the procession of wedding tchotchka through slotted fingers then plan to flee in horror on the day itself.

no abbeys and hymns for me, thanks. so regale yourselves with a selection of the kitschiest, faux-tasteful and most tragic kitchen towels being wheeled out in memoriam.

the high-street stalwart of the ‘blonde-highlights-but-sensible’ brigade, john lewis, leads the pack with offers at six quid a pop, such as the embossed invitation suggestions above and and here, and this mock-tudor situation for a tenner below.

things take a turn for the worse here, where a fiver gets you a decidedly high-school, blue-and-red sketch with chummy pretensions calling out to ‘wills+kate xxx’-

or save yer fiver for this horror in sky-blue ‘colour-symphonies’ – [my flourish, couldn’t help it, i’m sure they were thinking it]