& other delights in the life of a mommy on the brink

Why Always Daddy?!

Hayden fell out of our bed, and onto the cold, hard terracotta tile floor. The thud of his sweet little head hitting the floor, face first, is what woke me. The screams came later, while I raced past the foot of our bed, and around to daddy’s side (had daddy actually been in bed, rather than out on the couch watching a DVR’d episode of ‘Mad Men’, Hayden would have just rolled snuggly into him. And shut up, you who are thinking, “If Hayden had been sleeping in his own bed…”).

As I held him tightly and smothered his little head with kisses, I chanted the mommy plea of “Please, God, please let him be okay,” and “It’s okay baby, mommy’s here,” while he heaved with unrelenting sobs. Patrick came in, asked to hold him, and of course, that little daddy’s boy settled right down, with just the occasional gulp of air being the only sign of anything amiss. Before either of us knew it, he was again sleeping soundly.

And the truth is, I am a bit pissed off. In my current sleep deprived, irrational state, I am irked to no end that the child that I had not morning sickness, but 24 hour sickness, and not for the first trimester, but for the whole pregnancy with, that the child I nursed for 15 months, that the child I spend nearly all day, every day with, that this child, when hurt, cries not for me, but for daddy. AHHHHHHHH!!!!! WHY?!

And then it came to me. Patrick gets to be the daddy during almost every interaction he has with the boys. They don’t witness him being their ‘father’. He does that away from them when he leaves the house to go to work in order to provide our food, shelter, and clothing. I have to be their mother right in front of their eyes, and I think that often overshadows the times I get to be their mommy.

As a mother, I think that sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in the doing of motherhood that I end up missing opportunities to simply be their Mommy. I let the innumerable dirty diapers, the mountainous piles of laundry, the never-ending to do list, and the eternally sticky floors become so overwhelming and so distracting that it is nearly impossible to hear, let alone enjoy, what my kids are saying and doing. I spend so much time mentally doing back-flips in an attempt to figure out how I will ever get through the checklist of everything left undone, that I miss the opportunity to actually do somersaults in the grass with my children.

I always think that tomorrow, I will roll down the hill in the backyard with them, but today, I will organize the closet. Tomorrow, I will help Addison build that fort, but today, I will wipe down all the kitchen cabinets. Tomorrow, I will dust off the video camera and record Hayden’s funny running before he outgrows it, but today I will work on my site. And before I know it, time has flown by, and all those moments of memorable possibilities with my children are gone. And I’ll never get them back.

Their daddy really gets it. He gets that he has to savor every moment with each of his kids. He gets that when he walks through that door at the end of his work day, he is Daddy. And yes, it is true that he is lucky enough to have the luxury of an office in which to stash his Father persona, while I have to juggle both Mother and Mommy in front of them. But it is also true that lately, I haven’t been doing much juggling. Somehow, Mommy got lost in the shadows of Mother. Or maybe in the piles of laundry.

So today, I am going to be the Mommy. I will heat frozen make pancakes in the microwave in the morning, savor every kiss and temper tantrum, build forts, roll down hills, and make home movies. And I am going to do it all while thinking only of them, and not of every task waiting to be done. The tasks will wait, while their childhood will not. And the laundry will always be there, but sadly, my boys will not.

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2 Responses

Hallelujah! I’ve often said I wish I had been a nicer Mom, but I think I meant what you have said. I wish I had been more Mommy. Even now I wish I could be more Nanny than Nana. At least now I am aware of it.

Latonya Leek:
Hi Beth! Is it possible for me to send this to someone? I think my sister could use a good “someone else is in your boat” truth. It doesn’t look like I can “share it”. Should I just direct her to your blog/website?
August 17 at 5:15pm

Elizabeth Williams:
Hmmm… You know, I am still somewhat of a FB novice, so I would say just send her to mysillymonkeys.wordpress.com. And I always feel a million times better knowing there are others feeling my same pain (and joy!), so be sure to have her leave a comment about a story or two of her own, and if she has her own blog, I’d love to see it as well! Thanks, Latonya!
August 17 at 5:23pm

Danielle Murphy-Barker:
Beth this is really good I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. It’s a window into your world and it’s so real, it lives. Thank you for sharing it with us 🙂 xx
August 17 at 8:02pm

Elizabeth Williams: Danielle, you are so welcome! Thanks for reading it! It’s fun to know that the people we don’t get to often see, are still getting to share in our lives!
August 17 at 8:45pm