Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Time out

It's my favorite month. I love October. The leaves fall (some of them in SF anyway), pumpkins turn up, and the light changes. It is the most beautiful month is San Francisco. I look forward to it all year. It's when I can finally find candles that smell like spiced cider and I can look forward to harvest at the vineyards, and Halloween is absolutely hands-down my favorite holiday. Viv's going as Yoda. It was between that and an Ewok. LOVE Star Wars! She's almost walking, but not quite enough teeth for candy. Next year, maybe I'll get a costume too.

I have to be honest, days like today, (or weeks like this week), make me want to curl into a ball and hide in my bed until after Christmas. I'm tired. Worn out and beaten down. This girl needs a break. Problem is, I don't know how to get one. I can't help but think that Viv's bad day was a direct correlation to mine. Isn't it true that babies can sense EVERYTHING? She must know that something is up with Momma right now. I'm trying everything I know how to do and NOTHING is working. I mean, even if she doesn't actually know, she knows something is up I'm sure. And my lovely friend Anxiety has been here all week, just hangin' out. It's been real.

It breaks my heart thinking that I cause any sadness to my wee one. I know, I know, life is full of stuff. I know that I am a damn good mother, and that I am allowed to have bad days (or weeks, or months!). But man, am I sick of it!

Things will turn around, they always do. And I know this post is sort of vague. I'm just putting it out there -- who knows, maybe it will help. I want to be able to tell my daughter that it's okay to admit it when things are hard. I want her to be comfortable with herself, no matter what stage of life or situation she is in. I always want her to be able to come to me without feeling any judgment. The thing about kids is that they make you live up to your word. They make you become an example. They make you get out of bed.