Coming into today, the Carlins maintain a 172-146 lead. Justin Verlander pitched very well for the Drunkin’ Drafters, but picked up the loss while David Price pitched poorly and got a No Decision. Now that I got the boring score out of the way, here is the made-up interview I did with Drunkin’ Drafters general manager since for the second straight week I got no response. I’m starting to think there’s a coupe against me.

The above image will be used to represent Drunkin’ Drafters throughout the season. I realized last night I had yet to designate him an image so this is now his. It’s relevant because ownership adores the Mets and who is a greater Met other than convicted criminal Darryl Strawberry?

Me: Have you ever won a fantasy baseball league before? If yes, how awesome was it? If no, who do you blame?

Drunkin’ Drafters:

Me: Which player so far this season has disappointed you most?

Drunkin’ Drafters:

Me: What team in our league do you think looks the best? What team in our league do you think looks the worst? Get as cocky or trashy as you want.

Drunkin’ Drafters:

Me: Do you have any memorable experiences when meeting a professional athlete, baseball or otherwise, that you would like to share?

Drunkin’ Drafters:

Me: How do you feel about your brother [The Fuzzy Taints] making all of the random drops and free agent singings?

Today I heard something I could not believe. I thought my hearing was going. I thought maybe I had gone crazy. You can’t smell carbon monoxide right? Maybe it was taking over my mind. This could no be true.

For the 2013 season, the New York Mets will be playing outfielder Bobby Bonilla $1.2 million. As far as a baseball salary goes, this is pretty modest. The problem is that Bonilla has not played since 2001. Even worse, Bonilla has not played for the Mets since 1999. That was half my lifetime ago. Perhaps the Mets thought Y2K was more than a crazy theory and they would not have to agree to pay Bonilla what they said they would.

The story goes that when Bonilla came back to the Mets in 1999 he often complained to manager Bobby Valentine about playing time. Arguments with the manager, fights with the media, and reportedly getting caught playing cards with Rickey Henderson during the 11th inning of a 1999 playoff game, the Mets had enough of Bonilla’s shenanigans. In order to give Bonilla his release and sign another player (baseball is so money-complicated), they conjured up a plan where Bonilla’s salary would be deferred for a decade.

Starting in 2011, Bobby Bonilla has received a check for $1.19 million from the Mets. All they originally had to pay him was $5.9 million, but because of interest and the fact it’s a rough economy, the Mets will by the end of this have paid Bonilla a total close to $30 million. These payments will continue for 25 years, ending in 2035 when Bonilla is 72.

In addition to the money from the Mets, the Baltimore Orioles are paying him $500,000 a year after they had a similar buyout plan. These payments end in 2015. At least he is working for the Orioles as a special assistant where he makes $200,000 a year. When I was younger I wanted to be a baseball player because I loved the game. The idea of getting to play a game for a living and get paid to do it seemed too perfect. Now at 25 I want to be a baseball player because it means I will have enough money where I don’t have to worry about running the air conditioner too much in the summer. Those bills can really add up.

Only six players on the Mets roster in 2013 will be making more than Bonilla. This also does not include Jason Bay who still receives compensation from them. Bay currently plays for the Seattle Mariners and may not even make the opening day roster.

Everyone is always looking for what the best job in the world is. I have finally found the answer. The best job is being Bobby Bonilla.

The Commissioner has decided to push back the draft time from 8 to 9 at night. Little does he know I accomplish nothing until after 8pm. I hope to take advantage of this time change. He was unclear as to why the time had to change. I have a few theories.

1) The Commissioner, owner of Team Cecil Cantrell, forgot to change his clocks back this Sunday and is too stubborn to admit the mistake and will be taking it out on the rest of us in the league.

2) The Commissioner has tickets to the American Boy’s Choir and it will not finish up until 8:30.

3) The Commissioner is a terrorist/Communist/Mets fan.

4) The Commissioner knows at least one of his competitors will fall asleep before the draft is finished and will end up with a recently retired player on his team.

5) The Commissioner is lying and is screwing us all.

6) The Commissioner is actually Bud Selig and is a complete idiot, knowing all along he could not make the draft 8pm.

7) The Commissioner did not learn how to tell time until yesterday.

8) The Commissioner is responsible for the John Benet Ramsey murder. I know this has little to do with changing the draft time. I’m just hoping a rogue cop starts bothering him and distracts him enough this season to up my chances.

9) The Commissioner started taking a ballet class and will be too limber to draft early on in the night.

10) The Commissioner plans to kill your favorite pet between 8-9. What more of a reason do you have to root for me as opposed to him?

(I’m not quite positive what this says, but it has something to do with the words “The Commissioner.” From now on, this man will represent Team Cecil Cantrell)

In my last post I mentioned teams I thought would do well enough this season offensively that picking players from these teams would be helpful because of the offense around them. Today I am doing the complete opposite. There are a few teams out there who offensively appear to be so bad it will rub off on the rest of the team. Call it some crazy theory, but picking players from the following teams may do more harm than you will ever bargain for.

Miami Marlins

The namesake of my fantasy team, the Marlins historically screwed South Florida by trading away Mark Buehrle, Jose Reyes, and Josh Johnson to the Blue Jays for two pears, a Canadian penny, and a bag of used diabetes socks. Giancarlo “Don’t Call Me Mike” Stanton will be heading up this lineup with nearly nothing around him. Nobody expects the Marlins to do a single thing this season. They might be so bad they will finish 6th in the NL East. This may appear mathematically impossible, but we thought the same thing about a team trading away its core.

Houston Astros

This team looks to be historically bad. Shakespeare has considered rising from the dead to write a tragedy about them. The only name players they have in their lineup are Jed Lowrie and Carlos Pena. The rest of the team will be randomly picked from the stands. It’s been a while since the Astros were anything to brag about and things do not look to be getting much better. A move to the American League West, you know, the division with the Angels, Athletics, and Rangers who all made the playoffs last season, WILL prove disastrous for Houston.

New York Mets

The only positive to take away from the Mets’ lineup is that these players have been together for a while already. Unfortunately this is baseball where teamwork means less than the other sports. David Wright is the only shining star in this lineup as has been the case for some time now. The only way the Mets have a chance at putting up good offensive numbers this year is if they move the CitiField outfield walls in another 150 feet.