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February 2, 2013

The Fire Still Burns

This was my 2nd attempt at photographing the Golden Gate bridge, after tweeting out a different bridge first. Yep. Stanford.

When I drove with Jesse down to San Francisco to his triathlon training camp, I did so with the intention to be a support system. At last! For one year, pregnancy means Jesse and I won’t be scattered around the country at our own separate camps, surviving on phone calls where we swap boring stories about workout splits and food misadventures. We’ll actually get to hang out!

Camping indoors

Well my presence quickly proved to do more harm than good. Jesse could barely sleep because I kept him up sniffling with pregnancy rhinitis and tossing and turning all night. He can’t kick his cold without proper rest, so I offer to move to a pad on the floor. Then I contract a weird fever, and vertigo, and Jesse is driving me around to doctors appointments and pharmacies, worrying his head off over me and the lima bean. What am I doing here? I start thinking about flying home early.

Change of Plans

The best way to thank the CEO for a free trip is to hijack her classic volvo.

Then I get a text from Sally at Oiselle inviting me to Seattle for the weekend, to watch the indoor meet at University of Washington, have some girl time, get some medical attention from Dr. Lesko, and chill out. Considering my record so far as Jesse’s support crew, I figured he’d be better off without me for a few days. I was right, he got his best 3 nights of sleep in 2013.

When I arrive, excitement about the indoor track meet is palpable. Kate Grace, a rookie Oiselle pro from Yale, is gearing up for her first ever 3k, and everyone can feel a breakthrough coming. Kate and I both crash at Sally’s house, and I observe her pre race preparations and expertly contained nervous energy. It is the first time since the Olympic Trials I have put myself in this kind of position…to be back in the public track world.

The race is tomorrow…how will it feel? Am I really ready for this? When I walk through Dempsey among all the athletes, coaches, and fans, will I feel like I belong? Will I feel embarrassed? When I watch the 3k, will I feel a fierce desire to get out there? Or relief that it’s not me?

God I hope it’s desire.

When I laid out my four year plan for my athletic career a couple months ago, I did so by “acting as if.” I did it with the faith that after allowing my heart to mend, a hunger would come back inside me, eventually. The kind of hunger that is stronger than a fear of getting hurt again. Retrieving that passion is the only way I could ever hope to accomplish any of those goals I laid out. You can’t MAKE yourself feel it. All you can do is keep your heart open to it returning. Do nothing to prevent it.

The Race

As I walk through the glass doors of the Dempsey Center, the indoor track expands around me. With no stadium seating outside the track, all the spectators crowd inside the middle of the field, buzzing around, cheering, chatting. With Sally and Dr. Lesko (Sarah) by my side, we walk through the maze of people toward our cheering section.

In the distance, I see a white beard, a beacon in the blur of bodies. It’s Vin Lananna. We meet with a warm smile and a big hug. After poking fun at my baby bump and sharing a few laughs, I moved along to rejoin my group. Even though he isn’t my coach anymore, he knows my heart, and seeing him at my first track meet back makes me feel at home.

It’s time. The 3k women strip off their sweats and stretch out their limbs. Muscled bodies and strong legs power through drills and strides; spectators press against the flags lining the inside lane to get a better look. My heart rate picks up involuntarily. I feel the blood pumping through the thin skin of my forearms, the heat generated from my core gradually spreading outward. My legs twitch. Vision narrows. Ears hear no sound. I know what I want. I want to jump the flags and get on the track.

I smile.

Kate Grace ran a brilliant race, and I raced it with her from the sidelines. I felt her power. Her pain. When she beat everyone in the field except one, as a virtual unknown, running 8:55 in her first ever 3k, I felt her breakthrough. As the Oiselle cheering section flocked over to hug and congratulate her, I felt her joy.

Later That Night

Back at Sally’s house, I escape the post-race pizza party for a few minutes to unwind in my room. I am exhausted, and relieved. All this joy around me, the hum of this community stoked by the fire of athletic performance. That fire is still inside me. I close my eyes and relish in it. When Sally and Sarah pop their heads in to check on me, I share this revelation, and they look at me and smile, like they’ve known all along.

The Flock

31 comments on “The Fire Still Burns”

It was so great to have you up! I knew even last fall, when we strolled onto the Roosevelt HS track, that your love of the oval was undiminished. I remember you inhaled deeply and said, “mmmmm, I love the smell of the track.” And judging by the record books, the track loves you! Cannot wait to crazy-cheer your many races ahead girlfriend!

I have so much confidence in your post-baby running, Lauren! I know exactly how you are feeling. I experienced these same emotions (though never as fast as you, I knew I had more potential!) during my pregnancy. We lived in Boston and I ran to the Harvard track every day, wondering if I’d ever race there – if I’d ever race again. I went on to race again obviously, and PR in every event!

After the baby is born, you will be pulled in many directions and may feel the doubt creep in again. Don’t even get me started about crazy post-birth hormones that first month! But something will bring you back, just like this track meet. For me, it was my first “real workout” post baby. Even though I was out of shape, something about running fast felt more pure and natural than running ever felt. It will happen for you too! Very exciting!

Thanks Jen. Good to hear from someone who has been in the trenches :). The pregnancy is super fun, and I know the comeback will be awesome too. Starting from scratch is such a good challenge. I remember doing that after my navicular injury/surgery which required many many many months off, and you kind of just let yourself off the hook and start over, enjoying every little part of it again. I’ll look forward to that.

There’s nothing wrong with just enjoying pregnancy and a different part of your life for a little bit. I’m sure my view is colored by the fact that I cannot have kids, but I am very close to my sister who thought she couldn’t but just recently did…anyway, a baby is not like a race to prepare for, conquer, and move on. It’s just so much bigger. You sound very ready to check it off the list of life’s activities so that you can say “done!” to that piece of your plan, but it is a life that you are creating, molding, and caring for. Enjoy the journey, and then you can worry about crossing lesser things, like running, off your checklist. Just my two cents.

Thanks for the comment Muna! I am definitely not in a hurry to be done with the pregnancy part! I’m loving this time away, and having a different focus. But I guess a part of me was worried that I’d never get the passion back. If that had been the case, I’d move on to other great things life has to offer…inside I just hoped that it wasn’t time for that yet. I am hoping to experience the challenge of being a mom while being a pro athlete. To imagine that working, a deep passion for competition would need to resurface at some point. It didn’t have to happen last weekend, but I’m glad it did. I don’t need to do anything about it; it just makes me feel good to know it’s there 🙂

You’re such a beautiful writer Lauren. When you describe your passion for racing, it is reminiscent of someone writing about a long lost lover. I can feel how much this sport means to you… it means that much to me too, thank you.

First, I totally agree with Lonn. Second, I love the passion and strength you bring to running and life. You’ve definitely got something there. Now if only the rest of us could/would bottle up our passions and chase our dreams, goals, destiny. The belief in ourselves allows the possibility of greatness.

Love this post. It literally FELT the excitement and can completely feel your passion for the sport. And a damn good sport it is 🙂 When I watch the people I coach (equestrians) head into the show ring this is how I feel too- right down to “riding” along with them. Love, love LOVE IT!

I love it! Well written, as always. For what it’s worth, once a track runner, always a track runner. The intensity of the flame might diminish over time, but it never really goes out. My kids have done a few meets of their own now and what you describe is exactly how it feels when their races go off. It’s all I can do not to jump out there on the track and race with them.

Speaking for myself (and probably the entire track & field community), I can’t wait to see you back on the roads and track post-baby. I believe you’ll bring a new kind of intensity once you begin training seriously again. I saw you race and gut it out at the NYCM and at Trials. and the competition better watch out, because mama’s gonna be hungry!

Those Jersey girls sure do, Larry! Man alive! And Gags sure knows his stuff.
Thanks for the vote of confidence. It might take me a little bit to unleash the beast, since I’m not hard core training through pregnancy, but when I do make it back, grrrrrrr. 🙂

What a great litmus test! Glad the fire still burns and bet the time away in 2013 will stoke the embers even more.

I sometimes find it hard to determine if I’m passionate about achieving something (mostly career goals) because I truly love it or if it because I *think* it was I am supposed to do or at one point I thought it sounded like a good idea and don’t want to change anything.

Reading that, I don’t think it makes any sense. Anyways, I’ve heard that the physiologic changes of pregnancy and childbirth can, like, up your VO2 Max or something…so that, combined with your drive = #shocktheworld in 2016 for sure!

PS – your “I’m glad its not me” comment made me think of watching both the Eugene and NJ Marathons last year and I DISTINCTLY remember my thoughts being “thank God its not me” and feeling so relieved I wasn’t running a marathon…[not sure how that changed, bc I then ended up loving the Richmond marathon just 6 months later…weird]

You’re so inspirational! Sometimes you have to step away from something to reflect and know how you really feel. I’m so happy you found that fire and desire again! I look forward to seeing you out there again soon.

Hello there from a fellow endorphine addictee. Keep in mind that once you’ve had it you’ll pretty much always have it. I thought and even hoped at times it would stop but it’s still there when I go to watch races and still with me as I train with an awesome athlete who turned me on to your website. I’ve lived in France since 1990, left off the US team because I have epilepsy and they thought I’d be a ‘risk’ to the team. Having French parents and dual nationality allowed me and my risk to compete for France to 6 world titles and 2 Olympic silvers. I read your pre London blogs and comments and hats off to you for having an awesome sense of humour and far more maturity than many….will be in touch about non gluten gels and more…
cheers and happy 9 months!
marion

Lauren, I (as well as many people who have commented on your blog) want to thank you for your passion, encouragement, knowledge, and blunt-ness.
There are a high volume of bloggers out there, and I love reading yours because you not only know what you’re talking about, you can make it relate to many people. I saw you at the Pre Classic in 2012 “rabitting” and was insprired right away by your love for the sport.
I’d be lying if I typed that you didn’t inspire me, because you do. I can (honestly) say that out of every Olympic/Olympic hopeful/elite/average joe athlete my husband and I truly appreciate you and your thoughts. You have tons of fans that think you, your husband & your new addition are truly blessed. By the way – boy or girl or secret?
Thanks again,
Heather

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

That may be specifically what I had been doing just before MFP!! If I used to be gaining MEIZITANG I might raise my exercise but then justify overeating simply because I labored it off. That only labored for the small whilst and afterwards I’d start off gaining yet again. Now I see it ideal in front of my eyes, I see it in creating and i am typically stunned at the amount of energy, excess fat and sodium some food items can have!! And that i am not speaking about drastic diet plans either but eating much healthier foods as well as the proper number of calories might make a big variation!!!! And naturally it ought to be a way of lifestyle rather than just temporary!!

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