Hey!
I mean..
HEY!
That be for my new viewers
that might be harda hearin'!
Unless I get too drunks to make them
fancy scribbles for the deafs down here!
My name is L-O-R...
etta!
I was gettin' bullied
by the harda hearin'
cause they wanted me to come up
with them close caption things!
(burps)
I don't know what that is.
I ain't tech-savvy.
And after my initial,
"Don't Tell ME What The Fuck To Do!"
I realize-
The Deaf need to hear
the Gospel of Lo, too!
It's only fairs.
Well not 'hear,'
but you know what I mean.
And since I can't spell too good,
I had to hire me one of them
college boy tutors
and since money's tight,
I had to resort back to that
old school 'barter' system.
He tutored on me.
He tutored on me good.
He tutored all over my chest.
He gived me one of those pearl necklaces.
That's for you, Shooter!
(laughs)
So I start gettin' some letters
from sum of them nonhearins,
like you ain't supposed to use
the word 'deaf' nomores?
It ain't like they can hear you
say 'deaf.'
I guess somebody decided it made
people think they was retarded or somethin'.
HEY!
Deaf People Ain't Retarded!
They Just DEAF!
Goddamn Idgits!
Hey, I don't know about y'all,
but I'd rather be deaf
than to lose any of my other senses.
If you lose your ability to touch,
then you can't has no orgasms.
It'd be like this.
Nothin'.
Nothin' at all!
And if you can't smell or taste,
what's gonna be able to stop you
from knowin' if that asshole orderly
at the old folks' home
ain't slippin' a turd into your soup?
Nothin'!
You eatin' Turd Soup
and you don't even know?
Least if I was deaf,
I wouldn't have to hear everybody
bitchin' all the damn time.
Hey!
Maybe if I could get somebody
to club me in the head with a brick,
I might quit hearin' these
sister bitches rumblin' around in my head.
If only...
Eh!
I don't wanna hea
nothin' from you bitches.
In elementary school,
I learned my true calling of
drinkin' and bein' mean
and learnin' the finger alphabet.
This boy in my class, Bobby?
I had to learn how to finger talk to him.
He was deaf!
And that was a good investment
cause he could eat some good pussy,
Mmmm!
Well I figured I might learn you all somethin'
so I brought me in a sign language interprete
that I got off the bulletin board
down at the First Baptist.
But y'all pretend she ain't here.
You ain't supposed to look at her.
She like them seein' eye dogs...
So let's go full on deaf-friendly here y'all.
Wait!
Lemme do it with some genie magics!
(BOING)
LORETTA: Well hey there, interpreter lady.
I done told my viewers
not to pay you no nevermind.
She just like a ghost.
BEATRICE: Well no, they should watch me.
So that they can learn sign language.
Isn't that the point?
LORETTA: I don't believe this is your show.
So...uh...no!
I can't help I command attention just so!
BEATRICE: Well they have two eyes,
they can both watch AND learn.
LORETTA: Don't think I ain't onto you.
Camera hog!
Alright, so like how this work?
You just like do a bunch of finger-pointin'?
Like for a cat you do this?
(Meows.)
And for a dog like-
(Pants.)
Is that how that work?
I mean, that seem pretty easy...
I don't even know what you here for!
(burps)
BEATRICE: I'll have you know that
I went to college to do this.
LORETTA: Shhhhhhhhh!
I don't mean to hurt your feelings or nothin'
but nobody here tunin'
into learn about you.
Get back to work.
BEATRICE: Fine.
LORETTA: Buffy...goddamnit.
I'm sorry.
BEATRICE: Uh, I'm allergic to dogs!
LORETTA: Well, I'm sorry!
But this is my dog and I love her.
(kisses)
It's Buffy.
Look. Listen!
We got this bitch here on company
so you just go on.
There you go.
Welcome back, Drinkin' Buddies!
Now, I think it's time for y'all to-
I think it's-
I think- I think it's-
Cut, cut, cut!
Will you quit all that herky-jerkiness!
I couldn't even keep a thought in my head.
I mean, it's giving me motion sickness.
I'm sorry, but it really is!
It kinda feel like
when you on an amusement park
and you ridin' all them rides
and it's like "WHOOOOO!"
"Whooooooo!!"
You know and then you get back
like at home and you pass out
and then cause it's like you still on the ride?
You know?
Them things? Member?
Yeah?
Fuck you.
Well let's just have you slow your roll
and wait til I'm completely done
with my HISI and then
you can translate all that.
BEATRICE: How am I supposed to do that?
LORETTA: Well use your brain, woman.
You went to college, didn't ya?
BEATRICE: Well yes, but-
LORETTA: Eh! Nanana! Nobody cares! Nobody care...
Alright, here's the section
I want to call
'Important Phrases
I Think My Viewers
Oughta Know
In Case Anybody Eve
Drop They Ass
In The Middle Of
A Deaf Country
OR
They Ever Meet
A Hearing-Impaired Individual
Out There In The Wind.

Well, do your thing!
I'll watch on playback,
I reckon.

(crickets)

LORETTA: Are you done?

ARE YOU DONE?
BEATRICE: Yes,
LORETTA: Alright, let's make this quick.
I got a fuck buddy comin' over here soon.
Don't tell them all my personal goddamn business!
I swear!
I'm gonna take you down to the State Fai
and show you off
as my Prize Dumbass!
Let's just get back to my list, huh?
BEATRICE: That's what you're payin' me for!
LORETTA: (laughs) I ain't payin' this bitch shit, y'all!
Valuable phrase #5
"Is your wife home?"
'Course if wifey be deaf, too
and she be at home-
What difference does it make?
I can scream to Jesus all I want to!
HEY!
Just the facts, ma'am!
Not my 'colorful commentary!'
God!
What if the wife was watchin'?
God, you a senseless boob!
I hope you ain't expectin'
payment out of this!
Number four...
You got crabs?
NUMBER FOUR!
YOU...GOT...CRABS!?!

(crickets)

LORETTA: Hey!
What the fuck she say about me?
Don't protect this deaf-sympathizin' heifer!
Feast your eyes on this new deaf slang, She-Bitch!

And that roughly translate to...
How bout you milk your own titties,
you bitch cow,
and head on down to the docks
and blow some boys goin' off to war!
Do your civic duty for once!
(laughs)
I said doodee.
And that's How I Seize It.
(burps)
Was sombody here?
Somethin' smells like cooter-pooters.
(sniffs)
Well, it wasn't me...