The title of this movie couldn't be more backward. The Dark Knight Rises? The movie is 2 hours and 45 minutes long. Batman gets his ass kicked for 2 hours and 25 minutes of that. I'm not even joking. People go through the effort of tolerating a movie theater to see Batman and this is what they get?

The Dark Knight Rises seems to be centered on this gigantic tornado of random plot elements and how this shitstorm affects secondary characters.

Batman starts out with a mysterious leg injury that he isn't faking for his alter-ego, Bruce Wayne. He then gets his back broken by Bane to the tune of a visibly noticeable "protruding vertebra". Then he gets thrown in a prison where the only thing standing between the prisoners and freedom is an obstacle course of ledges like a bad Nintendo game from the 80s.

In the prison, Batman experiences the most forgiving broken back in medical history. It allows him to flop around like an injured WWE wrestler and is apparently fixed when an old man punches him. Once his spine is miraculously and ridiculously reset, it takes him around 60 days to recover. How can you pass this crap off on a nation that is absolutely addicted to TV shows like C.S.I and House? Not that those are entirely realistic, but still.

During this time, he has what is supposed to be a sentimental flashback of his father holding his hand while a prisoner waxes philosophaster about how Batman should fear death. This is mixed into a Rocky 4 work-out montage ending with Batman timing that pesky videogame jump correctly to escape the prison. This movie takes place on Bizarro Earth, I swear.

Ok, back to Bane. His involvement in this lame plot gets even more backward and convoluted. Bane somehow steals figmentary, electronic money from the stock exchange and frames Bruce Wayne. He does this by appropriating stolen fingerprints that Catwoman collected earlier in the movie. Bane addresses all of Gotham and rehashes the bomb detonator plot device from The Dark Knight. But it's a ruse!

The free energy reactor he also stole will blow up anyway... in 5 months. In the meantime, Bane rallies the people of Gotham to turn against the downtrodden super-rich (sarcasm punctuation needed here). Basically, the 1% and their enforcement arm, the city police, are the victims while everyone else is portrayed as an enemy! It was such flagrant and nonsensical propaganda that it made me laugh vomit.

The weirdest thing is that Gotham is quiet with no crime on the streets during this time. Everyone seems to be hanging out at home with their families or sitting in a courthouse sentencing guilty, rich people to death.

Catwoman is next in line for trashing. Why is she even in the movie at all? To kiss Batman out of nowhere a couple times? She certainly wasn't needed to get Bruce Wayne's fingerprints. Those are all over the wing of the house he was pouting in. All over every dish he ever used in the rest of the house where a big ol' party was happening.

She wasn't needed to ride Batman's motorcycle around during the entire end of the movie. He usually just programs his toys to blow things up in the nick of time.

Catwoman was just another plot device thrown into a mixed bag of over-complicated detritus. The best or worst part about her involvement was how she remains clueless that Bruce Wayne is the cover identity of Batman until the end of the movie... even though she was watching in the sewer when Bane exposed Batman's secret. Ooops!

Speaking of random people who know Batman's secret identity, you have Detective Blake: an unnecessary character who is clumsily christened with the name of "Robin" by the end of the movie. Unnecessary because they had to write Commissioner Gordon into a hospital bed to make him relevant.

I wonder why the whole city hasn't figured out the big secret since Bruce Wayne is the only person who speaks for his BFF, Batman. Way to go, guys.