I kind ofwonder why I hold back what I want to say, I guess cause of the fear I have that burdens me a lot of them time. I felt like I was getting better but then I kicked back down by something someone says or does. I shouldn’t let things that others bother me, but then again when affects you directly yeah.. It will bother you.

I know what is missing now and well kind of hard to focus right now. People just except me to always be this happy person fun to hang with willing to fall for them when they fall, but I don’t except that of others. I don’t expect anything of others because I don’t like setting myself up for disappointment. So why can’t other people stop laying out expectations for me or burdening me with pressure to forcefully make myself seem alright so they can stop hounding me if I am alright.

I want to find that one voice that will tell people just live their own life stop putting it off and living someone else’s. Should be easy for someone like me or that is what a lot of people would assume from me. I have the worse case of low self esteem, I have this scar that never goes away that once I have said something that has hurt me I get punished for telling them to stop and no one will leave you alone after words to sort out your own mess because they feel it’s their duty to suffer with you. I don’t like that concept sometimes it helps to have someone there to open up to others I feel like people should just leave me be for now I will find my voice and let you know when I am a little calmer.

Any ways.. work has been source of my dread each day, My family life with what is left of my family has been a dread cause of short comments like me being fat, or not spending enough time with them which I almost want to say you had a life time to know me why the fuck now do you want to know me? I dread people asking me why I am not married because I don’t like my personal life broadcast,and I dread going to bed know tonight I will wake up in the middle of the night crying or just wanting to leave for a long time.

I have so many people that care and try to reach out but I don’t want to that right now. I just want to well I want to be able to figure this out on my own and find my voice. I want to find my own resolution to this, yeah sure some of yah might have some experience over me on this but how can I grow if I get told something and never see it myself? Ehh?

I think I would like to see if my hand burns or if I will find the answer.

The other thing that has been bugging me is the fact I think a lot people think I am this huge depressive beast that is hardly intelligent and should be patted on the head and told that is nice dear or someone has this over tone of being condescending towards me cause I am lacking in that information but I ask questions and get shoved to the side. I might not be able to have the best verbal skills on the planet, but I am not a dumb ass.

Think of it like forging a sword. You are beaten & heated up and sharpened... at the end - you are a thing of beauty, strength, power, and either stand alone or lend strength to a person worthy of holding you.