Monday, September 9, 2013

My folks were always putting him down (down, down, down)

We’re
BAAAAAAAAAAAACCCKKKK!!!!! And yes, We
said “ManDick”. Clearly, you missed Us.

We missed a lot of birthdays
while We were in absentia, but We’re not going to list them all. Happy Belated Birthday, however, to OurAmericanCousin
Kelly, who turned twenty-four during Our hiatus, and who would smack Us up-side
Our head if We neglected to felicitate her.
Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Evan, who turned not-quite-twenty-four
during Our hiatus, and who is one of OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans,
whom We have previously discussed, most recently here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/08/operator-information-get-me-jesus-on.html

That post was on the occasion of the birthday
of another one of OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans,
which has only just now caused Us to reflect on the fact that two of OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans
are Virgos. Hmmmm…the third of OurThreeSonsWhoLookReallyGoodInSkinnyJeans
is an Aries like Our Own Self. We have no
idea what that means, but We thought We’d Cher.

Happy
Birthday today to Ashwin, and Cas, and Joe, each of whom turns twenty-four
today somewhere in Ginger Rogers’ Neighborhood.
(Ginger Rogers’ Neighborhood is like Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, except
you get to wear evening gowns and high heels.
(Mister Rogers would be so pleased.
(You’re picturing Mister Rogers in drag now, aren’t you? You’re welcome.)))

Our
absence was, of course, due to the fact that We were slaving and toiling to
open Our one-woman show, Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s
Comeback Tour. Which did, in fact, open last night. It went WAAAAYYY better than We could have
ever expected, except for the fact that many of you were not there. Let’s fix that, shall We? Please go and buy tickets now. We’ll wait.

Also,
tell your friends, etc. We have been a
little preoccupied with, ya know, making there be a SCRIPT for the damn thing
that We haven’t quite been the lean, mean publicity machine We might otherwise
have been.

(That
paragraph works best if you pronounce that last “been” as “bean”. You DID pronounce that last “been” as “bean”,
didn’t you? If not, We’ll wait whilst you
go back.)

It
is Colonel Sanders’s birthday. We’re not
exactly sure what to do with that information. Also, some country-western
singer named Hunter Hayes is twenty-two today, and We are fairly certain that
he is one of Our future ex-husbands.

Try to take greater care with your temper
today — it’s simply far too easy for you to shake people up when you think
you’re just venting. (WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU! SHUT UP!
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF US!!!)

(Heh.
That was fun.)

It may be hard for you to relate to certain
people for now. (Well, duh. Certain people are idiots.)

Today, avoid people who are hostile to
authority, because their message is definitely not going to be worth hearing. (Sorry…what did you say?)

(Heh.
See what We did there?)

They’ll feed into your insecurities and
fears, (Wait…how did AssHat Kelli find out about Our insecurities and
fears? That makes Us feel very
insecure. And afraid.)

which is not going to help you get to where
you want to go. (Into Hunter Hayes’s 501s?)

Instead, pay attention to the quieter, more
subliminal heavy-hitting emotional business going on under the surface. (Be
vewy, vewy quiet…We are hunting wabbits.)

Listen to what leaders are saying.
(Especially the Leader of the Pack.)

While other people are off whining and
complaining, you’ll be gaining valuable insight and getting the upper
hand. (Putting Us, naturally, one step
closer to the upper hand job.)

Get your ego out of the way (Leggo Our ego?)

— give
it a mighty push if you have to. (Alternatively, give it a mighty duck. It’ll never see THAT coming.)

Real love isn’t about what the other person
can bring to your life. (Of course not.
Also, it’s not the size of the boat, it’s…well, actually, it’s the size of
the boat.)

(We’re gonna need a bigger boat.)

It’s about the sense of intrinsic connection
that goes beyond surfaces. (Wow. Eleven
random words strung together to convey no meaning whatsoever.)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.