Seven New Year's Resolutions for Florida

2014 is right around the corner, and with every new year comes the familiar ritual of broken promises known as "New Year's Resolutions." Sure, by January 3, we're usually back to eating chocolate and smoking cigarettes, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.

And if there's one state in this great nation that needs some help in 2014, it's Florida. So pay attention, because these are your New Year's resolutions.

7. Be Nicer to Jonathan Martin The only thing scarier than the voicemail Richie Incognito left for Jonathan Martin was the number of people who listened to it, shrugged, and said, "What's the big deal?"

I think, as a state, we can all make an effort to be nicer to the big guy. Sorry he caused your beloved left guard to lose his starting spot, Dolfans, but let's face it: The only way we were ever heading to a Super Bowl was if Roger Goodell passed a rule that stated every team without an aquatic mammal for a mascot is allowed to use only their feet.

6. Make Our Monkeys Start Wearing Condoms A lot of so-called "scientists" claim that the wild Rhesus monkeys roaming our state aren't native to Florida. But the fact that they all have herpes proves that these monkeys are Floridians through and through.

In 2014, we need to do a better job of educating our monkey friends. They have thumbs, so there's no excuse not to wrap it up, little guys!

5. Hire Better Bouncers South Florida bars had a problem with their bouncers in 2013. For some reason, those juiced-up-tribal-tattooed-mouth-breathers thought they were Patrick Swayze in Road House and basically started beating the shit out of anything that made a sudden movement.

See, a funny thing happens when you give assholes cotton T-shirts that say "security." They act like bigger assholes.

But the manatees need our help, people! There were 813 manatees -- 16 percent of the population -- killed this year, shattering all previous records. Either those fatsoes owe a shady pod of dolphins some serious seaweed or we need to do a better job of protecting them.

So slow down, boaters! In case you haven't noticed, those gray beanbag chairs underneath the water weren't designed for dodging propellers going 30 miles per hour.

3. Stop Shooting People Unless you're being pummeled by an ogre in a security T-shirt or attacked by a herpes-infected monkey, don't shoot.

Even if you're legally allowed to do it, that doesn't mean you should. Hell, legally I'm allowed to shove as many grapes up my bum as I want, but that doesn't mean you'll find wine in my toilet bowl.

Photo by Molly Bergen

2. Legalize It! 2014 might see some serious strides for Florida's medical marijuana legislation. So let's get out there and vote, Floridians! Just, please, don't eat anyone's face. We don't have a good track record with drugs and face-eating.

And sweet Jesus, if you find yourself in a joint circle with Marco Rubio, please make sure he has a bottle of water handy. On a good day, that man's mouth is like dehydrated sandpaper.

1. Coexist At some point in 2014, Florida may very well overtake New York as the third-most populous state. And besides a higher demand for tank tops that say things like "Party With Sluts," this increase in Floridians means we have to do a better job of getting along.

No more fighting stabbing, shooting, name-calling, or any other malicious behavior. Just find somebody and hug them!

(Warning: If you are anything but a white girl, do not try to approach strangers and hug them. They are legally allowed to shoot you.)

SUCCESS!

Ryan Pfeffer is Miami New Times’ music editor. After earning a BS in editing, writing, and media from Florida State University, Ryan joined the New Times staff in November 2013 as a web editor, where he coined the phrase "pee-tweet" (to retweet someone while urinating). Born and raised in Fort Lauderdale, he’s now neck-deep in bass and booty in the 305.