First broadcast on December 6, 1955. Script by Spike Milligan. Produced by Peter Eton. Announced by Wallace Greenslade. Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Transcribed by anon, corrections by Peter Olausson.

Greenslade:

This is the BBC Light Programme. Now here is a record.

Grams (scratchy):

[Greenslade: "This is the BBC Light Programme."]

Greenslade:

Thank you. We present the story of Fred Fu-Manchu and his Bamboo Saxophone.

Sellers:

Now, let us turn back the clock to the year 1895 -- the year of the Great Exhibition at the Crystal Palace.

Orchestra:

[Fanfare]

FX (fade in):

[Crowd noise]

Patsy Hagen (Seagoon):

My lords, ladies and gentlemen -- we come now to the concluding round of the world's international heavyweight saxophone contest -- from the Orient, with his bamboo saxophone -- Fred Fu-Manchu!

Grams:

[Slight clapping]

Fu-Manchu:

I thank you.

Patsy Hagen:

And on my right, representing the Empire and wearing the kilt, a shamrock, four leeks and a thistle, with a turban made out of our glorious Union Jack -- Major Dennis Bloodnok -- an Englishman!

Grams:

[Furore, cheers]

Bloodnok:

Ohh, ohh...

Patsy Hagen:

First we will give a fair hearing to Mr Fred Fu-Manchu.

Fu-Manchu:

I thank you. [Clears throat]

Orchestra:

[Last 8 bars of 'Valse Vanite', followed by silence]

Patsy Hagen:

And now -- the British contender -- Major Bloodnok!

Grams:

[Vast cheers]

Bloodnok:

Thank you, thank you. [Clears throat]

Orchestra:

[A single note]

Patsy Hagen:

A winner!

Grams:

[Vast cheers, crowd singing 'There'll Always be an England']

Patsy Hagen:

Quiet! Quiet please! Quiet! Sit down! By the merest chance, it so happens that Major Bloodnok's name is already engraved on this magnificent silver cup.

Grams:

[Swamp with cheers]

Fu-Manchu:

Stop -- English people most dishonest! I make terrible revenge on white man.

The scene is in Outer Mongolia where within a life-sized reproduction of the Kremlin, three sinister figures are stooped over a hellish brew in a magnificently-equipped laboratory.

Grams:

[Bubbling]

Fu-Manchu (raging):

Listen, listen, listen to me! Oh Boy! You see this liquid here? It will bling just letlibution on all white men for foul tlick played on me at Clystal Palacklicklack... Listen boys: Anybody dlinking one dlop of this liquid will immediately explode at anything he points at. Oh boy! Now we have plenty fun with white devils!

Chinese (Seacombe):

But - but how are we going to get fatal liquid dlunk by stupid white man?

Fu-Manchu:

It is very simple! Put in whiskey bottle and leave bottle in Hyde Plak!

Orchestra:

[Passage of time]

Bloodnok:

Ah! Here I am, six months later, in Hyde Park. And see! Someone has put a naughty bottle of whiskey by my ancestral home -- i.e. the dustbin. Any questions? Ohh! And what? Unless I am much mistaken I am about to open the bottle.

FX:

[Bottle -- Pop]

Bloodnok:

Thank you. [Gulps] Ah! That's better.

FX:

[Slight explosion]

Bloodnok:

Manners!

Fu-Manchu

Pardon me, please.

Bloodnok:

What do you want, you fiendish yellow devil carrying a bamboo saxophone? Are you one of those Boxer villains?

What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do? How much? Anything for money, you know, anything. Here's the advertisement I put in the paper, look here. 'Wanted -- Money! No reasonable offer refused'.

Fu-Manchu:

Now, please. Here -- take five shillings. Now, point finger at policeman over there.

Bloodnok:

Right.

Grams:

[Explosion]

Bloodnok:

Good heavens, I've exploded a constabule! I've never known a copper go so far. What does this mean?

You've got me, you've got me, you've got me... [Aside] But don't worry, dear listeners, don’t worry, dear listeners, I will secretly type a help note and leave it with a life-like oil-portrait of this yellow fiend underneath a convenient stone along with this recording of Max Geldray. There.

Max Geldray and Orchestra:

[Musical interlude: "Exactly Like You"]

Greenslade:

’The Dreadful Revenge of...' Er... Um... That fellow -- you know, that chap with the explodable finger... What's his name... Er... I'll get it in a minute. Don't go away... [hums and haws]

Sellers (close):

I'd like to tell listeners now that Mr Greenslade is the only BBC announcer not so far approached by commercial television.

Greenslade:

I've got it! ’Fred Fu-Manchu’, Part Two.

Seagoon:

You’ll get it one day, Greenslade. [Clears throat] That night I was in my office at Scotland Yard listening to the commercial telly with the picture turned down.

Wait! The trail of noodles has stopped and continues with preserved ginger!

Seagoon:

We must hurry. He's reached his last course. Which road has he taken?

Moriarty:

The one to Dewsbury.

Seagoon:

Then we haven't a moment to lose. Giddap!

FX:

[Horse and carts restarts and speeds up. Fade down under:]

Greenslade:

Dewsbury! That was the significant word. As Seagoon well knew, in Dewsbury resided the player-owner of the last remaining metal saxophone in England.

FX (fades in):

[Bubbling cauldron]

Grams:

[Corny hot sax solo: "Yellow Rose of Texas"]

FX:

[Terrific steam jet]

Minnie:

[Screams]

Crun:

Keep it still, Min. Hold that saxophone still.

Minnie:

But it's getting hot, Henry.

Crun:

I don't care, Min. How can I get this jet of green steam up it if you jiggle about?

Minnie:

Why do I have to have a jet of green steam up my saxophone?

Crun:

I keep telling you. That naughty saxophone exploder, Fred Fu-Manchu, is after your saxophone, and this green steam will immunize it. Now - once again. One... Two...

Grams:

[Sax solo: "In the Mood"]

FX:

[Terrific steam jet as before]

Minnie:

[Screams]

Crun:

No, no good, Minnie. You were playing the wrong tune, you. It must be 'The Yellow Man from Texas'.

Minnie:

I'm sick and tired of playing that one, buddy.

Crun:

Then, then, then play the mountain-rythm-style "Riding on a Rainbow" and I'll put on this record of Mr Ray Ellington to accompany you.

The Ray Ellington Quartet:

[Musical interlude: "Riding on a Rainbow"]

Greenslade:

That was Ray Ellington of whom it has been said. Next, we present 'The Dreaded Revenge of Fred Fu-Manchu', Part 4. And I quote, 'Part 4'. The story up to now. By passing him twice, Seagoon managed to reach the Bannister residence ahead of the dreaded Fu-Manchu.

Seagoon:

Now to organise the defence. Who'll volunteer?

Bluebottle:

I will, my capitain, I will. Enter Balloonbottle, son of the regiment, with cardboard waterpistol and own water in empty lemonade bottle.

Seagoon:

Noble lad! Bluebottle - from the right - number!

Bluebottle:

Sixty-three.

Seagoon:

Curse! Sixty-two deserters. Oh, if we only had some more idiots to make up the number.

Eccles (approaches, singing):

Twenty tiny fingers - twenty tiny toes - and I've got 'em all.

Seagoon:

You! From the right - number!

Eccles:

One!

Seagoon:

Eccles, form fours!

FX:

[Squad forms fours]

Seagoon:

Let's see them do that on television! Now, Bluebottle, take this stick of dynamite.

Bluebottle:

No, I don't like this game.

Seagoon:

Shut up!

Eccles:

Shut up!

Seagoon:

Shut up, Eccles!

Eccles:

Shut up, Eccles!

Seagoon:

Now - if you see Fu-Manchu come up that road, light the fuse, count scramson and throw it under his car. Understand?

Eccles:

No.

Seagoon:

Good! Farewell.

FX:

[Whoosh]

Bluebottle:

Eccles!

Eccles:

Yup?

Bluebottle:

You're going to light the nice stick of dynamite, aren't you?

Eccles:

Yeah, yeah.

Bluebottle:

How many have you got to count up to before it explodes?

Eccles:

Um... Oh... Um... I dunno.

Bluebottle:

Well, you'd better light it and count how long it takes. Then you'll know, won't you?

No, no, no! Spare our lives and I'll give you the last metal saxophone to destroy.

Fu-Manchu:

Oh boy, a tuddy! Now I will be champion bamboo saxophonist of Universe.

FX:

[Typing]

Seagoon:

As he spoke, I surreptitiously typed a short note to Grytpype-Thynne and posted it.

Grytpype-Thynne (opening letter):

Oh, listen, Neddie -- a letter from you. 'Dear Grytpype, while I engage this bamboo saxophonist in mortal conversation, slip round under his kimono and bore a few holes in his bamboo saxophone.'

Fu-Manchu:

No so loud - I can hear you.

Grytpype-Thynne:

I'm sorry, I’m so sorry. (Quietly) 'P.S. Don't let him hear you reading this letter or it will mean certain death for both of us.'

FX:

[Two explosions]

Greenslade:

And, by George, he was right. Tickets are now on sale in the foyer for tonight's recital by Fred Fu-Manchu, the world's only bamboo saxophonist. I thank you.

Grams:

['Valse Vanite', fades]

Greenslade:

All complaints about the Goon Show should be addressed to 'Life with the Lyons', Alexandra Palace, West Croydon. Good night.

FX:

[Explosion]

Fu-Manchu:

Oh boy! I got him, too!

Orchestra:

[Theme tune]

Greenslade:

That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.