Welcome to the BlackLOG, this is the story of me, my wife - the long suffering "Mrs B", our cat "McG" and the various friends and acquaintances that we meet through life. It is all based around what happens to us, but is often stretched in an attempt to entertain. I do not deliberately set out to upset people but it occasionally happens (I have a fairly dark sense of humour at times).

Pages

Monday, 31 December 2012

The Good, the bad and the ugly

After 4 years I finally had the opportunity to exorcise the
ghost of my worst gig experience ever – when
Roddy Frame finally returned to Cadogan Hall in London.
I had horrendous flashbacks when a choral choir moved through the
audience and took to the stage. I
started to panic, was history about to repeat itself in the most cruel of ways?
I daren’t look at the tickets, I didn't even want to look over at Mrs B. Gulp…..What self respecting pop star has choral
music as support ?

Well Roddy Frame apparently –

It came as a huge relief when Roddy made his way onto the
stage, just a guitar in hand. What
followed was a couple of hours of musical perfection. The audience was littered with pop stars –
Tracy Thorn and Ben Watts (Everything But The Girl)- were sitting directly in
front of us, while Edwyn Collins (Orange Juice) was just below – testament to
the high regard that Roddy Frame is held in by his fellow musicians.

On the way out we stopped by Soho Square to get some
pictures of the Christmas Lights. Seeing The Beast, a Spanish Lady asked if I
would mind sending her some pictures as she did not have a camera with her. I
happily complied but I am disappointed that she has not even bothered to reply
and thank me for sending through some pictures….I didn't think the shots were that bad…..

Skiing

Mrs B had dreams of a skiing in a nice picturesque Swiss or
Austrian village just before Christmas. We deliberately left booking late, to
make sure there was good snow. A reasonable plan, apart from when we went to make
a booking - anything even half decent in Switzerland and Austria had gone. So
it was back to France – This time Alpe D’huez – Loads of snow but it is certainly
not the most attractive of ski resorts.

Disaster –

While Mrs B has always been a more stylish skier than me – I
have always won the speed battle and sure enough on 5 out of the 6 days I managed
to win this time…..However on the other day Mrs B not only posted the fastest
time of the day (Using Ski Tracks – an app for Smart phones – which I suddenly have
doubts about the accuracy of) but managed to post the fastest time of our
holiday 60mph….while I only managed a pedestrian 58mph….Aaaarrrggghhh.

Oh the shame.

I would love to report that my style improved enough to make
up for it but I doubt it very much. My only victory was my two falls to Mrs B’s
three. Mrs B seemed to get taken over by the spirit of a mean golfer who
manages to conveniently forget to count a number of duff shots. She admitted to
3 falls but I think there were probably more as I saw a couple of ones that did
not match the descriptions of the three she admitted to. I think her best fall
– a face plant and 20 foot slide was a deliberate attempt to prevent me beating
her week’s speed record…. clearly her cunning plan worked.

For the record, my first fall was when a mountain restaurant
jumped out in front of me with no warning.
It took me out in a puff of snow and a manly scream (Mrs B claims it was
more like a little girl’s high pitched squeal – without recorded evidence I’m going
for a manly roar – it was probably the cowardly restaurant that squealed . And
the second was an ill-advised drop into a snowy bowl which ended in complete
disaster, leaving me stranded for long enough for Mrs B to whip out the Mega
Mini Beast and record my shame ….

While this may not look like a victory I'm taking it2 falls to Mrs B's 3 (probably more)

Always check for small imprints in the snow….

These days we tend to book catered chalets, a very civilised
way to ski….We met a couple on the slopes who confirmed to us that we need to
avoid staying in Chalets which have young children at all costs – after we
booked we were advised that there were children already booked into the chalet
we had selected and did we want to move to one of the alternative chalets that
they had for adults only – we most certainly did. As it happens the couple were staying in the
very chalet we had originally booked –
one night we ran into them in town and after failing to get into a local bar
for a drink (it was closed) we went back to their chalet. While their kids had gone to bed their Nanny
sat in the Chalet surrounded by what can only be described as Armageddon – The
only thing missing was the hoof prints from the four horsemen of the
apocalypse…….

The nightmare before Christmas

Christmas Eve turned into a complete nightmare – Mrs B had
gone to work and left me with a list of last minute bits to pick-up for
Christmas Day and Boxing Day. No pressure other than the shops (including supermarkets)
were closing at between 5 and 6pm. I spent a good hour looking for my wallet
and then realised it was in Caruthers (our BMW) that Mrs B had driven to
work…..yes, the wallet which included all my cash and credit and debit cards….

The postman saved me as a new bank card for Mrs B flopped
onto our door mat. I rushed out to get cash (don’t worry it was for our joint
account, I wasn't robbing Mrs B blind) and in my haste forgot to activate the
card – back home and half an hour of frustration as I first tried to phone
through to activate the card– only to find the system overloaded. Next step was
the internet and more frustration as the only message I could get from the site
was – “Error with card please call through to activate”…..Tick, Tock, Tick,
Tock….time was running out…. I then got a break as our friend Joe called to
wish us a Merry Christmas. Once he found out about my plight he immediately
told me to get in the car, meet him in town and he would get some cash out for
me…. Phew…..

First stop the Post Office to pick up a couple of parcels … this
went surprisingly well – no queue..

Waitrose didn't have everything so it was off to Sainsbury’s
and M&S – a good hour in hand. This last minute shopping was a breeze…

I had time for a quick pick me up coffee – only just as I
entered my favourite café they were exiting – early closing…Doh!

Oh well, enough time to drop in to the O2 mobile shop – to
remonstrate that my 3G had not worked since I changed my account (to upgrade
the amount of data I could down load ) 2 weeks previously. Apparently I now had unlimited use, just as
long as I didn't try to use any of it…..

O2 member of staff - “Can
I help you Sir?”

Me – “Probably not, I'm a little unhappy with your service, I've not had 3G on my mobile for over 2 weeks”

O2 member of staff - “Can
I look at your phone?”

Me – “Sure, not that it ever seems to help”

O2 member of staff - Pushes
a few buttons - “You do realise that you don’t get 3G everywhere?”

Me - “Yes but I
expect it to work in the same areas as my wife’s phone….”

A few more taps

O2 member of staff - “There
you go Sir, the 3G was turned off”

I decided not to argue*, just muttered about it being a bad
day, thanked him and slunk out of the shop…..

* OK I should have checked that I had switched it back on
before going into the shop but I can
assure you that after spending an hour previously in the same shop (with a
different member of staff), a couple of hours on the internet and another hour
on the phone …..One sim replacement and both sims having been checked in the phone
shop’s model - 3G had definitely not
been working on my account….

As I was heading for home I discovered that I had lost my VW Key (our Golf
never really had a name – but after 13 years and well over 120,000 miles I guess
“Old Reliable” is as good a name as any) – I've had to keep the VW key separate
from the rest of my keys for some time now as it kept slipping off my key ring and
attempting to escape - Perhaps it is the “One Key” and it is attempting to
return to its evil master ….

“One Key to rule them all, One Key to find them,

One Key to bring them all and in the darkness bind them”

Since I spend half my life looking for keys, basically as a
break when I get fed up looking for my wallet.
Perhaps the Key has the power to render itself invisible rather than the
user ….

Unfortunately the key managed to escape from my pocketses (This makes me sound a bit like Gollum – if you
had not guessed it we caught up with the Hobbit just before Christmas..), while I was fishing shopping Gulp… at least I had the emergency plastic key that allowed me to get
back into Old Reliable and get home.

Not being sure what to do about lost keys I called the local
Police station.

They were closed, apparently no crime takes place in Bishops
Stortford after 6pm…. Hmmm

I was put through to a central number – I explained my dilemma
and was informed that I needed to report it to Hertfordshire’s central lost property
office.

They put me through….

The central lost property office were not interested and told
me to go to Bishop’s Stortford Police station when crime resumed play after
Christmas….

It’s a tricky issue, losing a car key in your local area – If
someone of a less than honest nature gets hold of it just getting a new key is
hardly the sensible approach. Every time
Old Reliable gets parked in the town centre
there would be a good chance it would be the last time we saw it ..... Still, I
clearly had a few days to risk it as the police had given crime a couple of
days off….

Once the shops were closed I decided to go back to town to
see if I could find the key in the now empty car park…. Stupid as that sounds, with
very little chance of finding the key, it turned out to be a good decision and
I found it a couple of bays away from where Old Reliable had been parked – Phew,
a good ending to a troubling day…

So 2012 ends in typical BlackLOG fashion – not exactly my
fault but fairly embarrassing all the same.

Have a good New Year, hope your 2012 was as exciting and fruitful
as ours….

Photo Finish

Roddy Frame"Deep and wide and tall"

I'll leave you with some festive pictures from Sloane Square
I thought they were at least worth a thank you.....

I'm still around and reading (no motivation to write or post in the past few months though - apart from last couple of weeks). Down Under is treating me brilliantly. I love it here.

What gigs are next? Thinking about going back for Glastonbury..are you brave enough to go yet?! In 2 weeks I've got The Killers in a small bar place and Band of Horses at the end of the month. Top Trump me...

No Glastonbury and I don't think I can beat the Killers in a small bar - that sounds incredible... The only things booked so far for next year are Paloma Faith, the Kaiser Chiefs and who ever turns up at V-2013....

Glad Australia is treating you well, otherwise I was going to have to drop in and sort it out....

I quit trying to ski a couple of years ago when I fell down (I lost track of how many times I've done that). I figured that, at my age, absolutely nothing good can come of trying to maintain my balance on frozen water. I could break something or "Sonny Bono" my dumb butt into a tree.So, I brushed myself off, removed my skis and walked down the slope to the lodge, dignity intact.Those six-year olds didn't have to be so hurtful, though.

I've found accidently bashing said six year old with my skis does wonders for hushing up the cheeky little blighters .... As for Sonny Bono'ing into a tree I’ve always blame Chastity Bono – how was poor Sonny to know that his own daughter would one day produce killer wood…..