Striving to live in the present while coping with past demons without fearing the future. My journey with trauma, grief, anxiety & panic shared by my stories and through the expression of my poetry and photography.

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How do you find gratitude in a world of never-ending suffering? How do you find gratitude in your own life if you live with the chaos of anxiety, depression and panic disorders?

Finding gratitude is a journey as individual to each of us just as our lives are uniquely different. For me, when I could easily be consumed by my limitations or simply by the news cycle, I like to check in and make a dedicated effort to see things with a grateful heart.

Some days it’s easy to feel grateful. I may have accomplished a goal, had a pleasant conversation with someone I love, or enjoyed a moment of calm and clarity. On bad days, when everything seems to feel off, whether depressed or hyper anxious, it’s harder to feel grateful. Oftentimes, on hard and challenging days, I need a gentle push back into the here and now to remind me to just be grateful for being exactly as I am. I think it’s those days when I consciously seek to find a moment of bliss and beauty that the feeling of gratitude feels more poignant.

Quietly, I acknowledgement that others are also suffering and that everyone is on their own journey, following their path, enduring their own pain, and walking with their own demons. It’s while in this repose that I can connect with the universe, nature, and all of humanity, sharing my thoughts and healing energies. What I ask of the universe for myself, I ask for all those who suffer. I find comfort in this continuing circle of energy and in the warmth of it’s flowing gratitude.

Just as you share in suffering, you can share in the joy of all that surrounds you. Take at least a few moments each day to pause and feel what is around you. What makes you smile? What stirs your heart? What do you find beautiful and special? What are you grateful for today?

Today, I am grateful for this blog and my ability to let words flow as both an aid to my healing and as an outlet for creativity. I am grateful that my feelings go forth into the universe as energy to be shared.

Love, light & peace…..always

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I said I would be writing about my experiences with EMDR therapy and It’s been awhile since my first post about it. I’ve had some difficulty writing about it because although the sessions and the treatment seem simple and straight forward, I find its effects anything but. Also, the nature of the treatment makes it hard for me to convey my experiences accurately with words.

A typical session begins by selecting a starting point for visualization. It can pretty much be in any location or situation I want but we’ve focused it around my trauma event. From the starting point I simply visualize and sort of watch a movie in my mind. As my therapist taps my knees gently, my mind takes me where it chooses, much in the same way your mind might wander from point to point while daydreaming. Initially as my movie plays across the screen of my mind I am taken many different places. It can be unrelated to the starting point of thought and/or the present circumstances, it could even be about last nights dinner.

I just realized I don’t actually know how long each tapping session lasts but after a time my therapist stops and we talk about where I am in my “movie” and what I am feeling both internally and externally. After that she begins again. As the session continues my mind, even if its jumping, is playing memories, feelings, perceptions and emotions across different points in my life. Most often it is within the timeframe of the chosen starting point from the beginning of the session. Again, she stops and we discuss where and when I am in my movie and the associated feelings.

We do this usually 3 to 4 times in a session. Sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on how much time is devoted to talking in between. Often times talking in-between is an analyzing of a situation, my perception of it both before and now, and any feelings and emotions associated with it. At the conclusion we might talk about each stopping point in this manner or a summation of the entire session.

There is no right or wrong in any part of this therapy. I am told that after the sessions your, or in this case my, brain keeps working behind the scenes. Although it’s unclear to me the exact mechanisms at work, the brain continually processes the experiences of the sessions; doing the work of reprocessing and re-association of events, feelings, and emotions into new and less traumatic and stressful associations. The consequence of which is to lessen or ultimately remove the traumatic triggers. For me these triggers are both in relation to PTSD and panic and anxiety disorders.

In the days after the sessions I notice a marked spike in my general anxiety levels. I’ve been known to have additional or more pronounced panic attacks and more episodes of agoraphobia. This heightened state usually lessons as the days pass.

Oftentimes it feels as though I am regressing by being more symptomatic but as the weeks have passed I have a greater understanding of myself and a clearer and better understanding of what’s happening to me both mentally and physically. By stepping back and looking at things as a whole I can tell I have, and continue to, benefit from this therapy.

I am not the typical EMDR patient addressing one specific PTSD traumatic event, but rather a series of events linked by trauma and debilitating panic and anxiety disorders. Consequently, the therapy is very much tweaked and adapted to my situation. I do not have sessions every week because my therapist has found I respond better having the extra processing time. The extra time allows me to return to a better baseline of functioning. From there we begin again.

Like many things, this therapy requires work, patience, and faith. I have hope that I will attain the best possible results from EMDR and will again share my experiences with it as things unfold.

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Another birthday I mark in your absence
It’s no easier than the last
I wish, I wish, I wish
A wish that can not be
So, am I to be content with this simple expression?

It seems that is my fate until it isn’t
Your absence left a void impossible to fill
I wish, I wish, I wish
I think we both know what I wish
So, am I to mark these years with sadness and longing?

How does one celebrate a birthday that isn’t?
Just by remembering you on your special day?
I wish, I wish, I wish
A wish that’s just too big
So, instead I’ll think of you, of all you were and still are

I know you’ll feel my love for you on your birthday
The same way we still share our love everyday
I wish, I wish, I wish
I’ll go on wishing anyway
So, today instead of sadness, in my heart I’ll sing to you and watch you smile

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The clock struck midnight and 2017 is over and 2018 has begun. But I suspect the feel of 2017 is far from over. I think it will carry forward without pause into 2018. Leaving aside personal matters, politics, natural disasters, and world events, to me 2017 has been a year of disappointment. Disappointment in humankind. Never have I felt so attuned to the negativity and cruelty of others. I am talking about neighbors, both locally and globally. I am talking about everyday actions and statements that demonstrate the lack of empathy, caring, and downright cruelty that exists within the human psyche.

Read any article, any social media post and you may understand what I am talking about. Look around your community at the poor, homeless, those who appear defeated by life, or at those who just need a helping hand, a smile or a kind word.

Anyone who is different, a different religion, a minority race, another sexual orientation, has differing opinions, or is from a lower economic class are treated with contempt from the majority of the population who enjoy a degree of prosperity, wealth and health. They are often brutally assaulted by word and deed or simply ignored to the point where they are invisible. The lack of kindness, empathy, compassion and civility towards one another is to such a degree that it’s creating a chasm all across the world.

Hatred and contempt have filled the hearts of humankind, which has led to all sorts of vile speech and deeds. Whether anonymously from behind a computer or smartphone or in person on the street, it has become commonplace to put hatred unapologetically on display.

I write this not to assign blame or to analyze the origins and causes of the behavior. I’ll leave that to others to debate. Although I do believe we, the people of many so called democracies, stand at a precipice that can have grave consequences. I simply write this as my observation of life and events that surround us. I write this with all the hope in my heart that kindness and love will rise above the hate.

In order for love to win it must start individually within the hearts of everyone. We must allow the love to enter and grow within us; to manifest and spread to those around us, both near and far. It must be our unselfish intention to bring love, kindness, and goodwill to all members of our human race just as we ourselves yearn to receive such in return.

My sincere hope for 2018 is that the light of love and peace will be accepted and returned by all the hearts of the world, Then, perhaps, love will indeed triumph over hate.