Coping with Job Loss

If you or a loved one has lost a job, there's tough emotional terrain ahead. Here, how to navigate it.

Judy Lederman knew that sales were slow — very slow — at the department-store chain where she worked as a public relations manager. But that didn't make it any less of a shock when she was summoned to corporate headquarters in New York City one day last spring and told her position was being eliminated. Lederman, a 49-year-old single mother from Scarsdale, NY, had always been the employee who got superlative reviews, so she believed she would be safe if any cuts were made. She remembers her supervisor tearfully apologizing after delivering the news. "I didn't know how to respond," says Lederman. "Should I have tried to make her feel better? Should I have said, 'Oh, don't worry about me. My daughter and I may be homeless, but it'll be OK'?" she recalls with gallows humor.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

As she left the building, Lederman tried to focus on everything she had to do: Consult a lawyer. Update her work portfolio. Schedule doctors' appointments for herself and her 16-year-old while they still had health insurance. "My mind was spinning like a disc in a broken CD drive," she says. Out of habit, she began dialing her work voice mail and then realized, "Wait, I've been fired. Why check voice mail?"

More From Good Housekeeping

Returning to one of her former employer's stores to clean out her desk, Lederman felt the sense of betrayal wash over her. She no longer belonged; she was no longer part of the team. Suddenly, the thought of all the money she had spent at the store — both to support it and to take advantage of her employee discount — popped into her head. "All I could think was, 'I could really use that money now,'" she says. "Had I known I was going to be laid off, I sure wouldn't have bought all those cute shoes and purses," Lederman admits. "I was mad — at the store, at myself."

But the hardest part lay ahead: "When I came home and told my daughter, she started to cry — which broke my heart," says Lederman. "We'd been through so much together already with the divorce, and she looked at me and said, 'Why do we always have to be the strong ones? Why can't we just once not have things like this happen in our lives?'" As Lederman tried to comfort her daughter, she felt another emotion crowd in with the hurt, anger, and panic: guilt.

Lederman is far from alone. With more than 4.4 million American jobs lost since the recession began in December 2007, and the unemployment rate at its highest level in 26 years, chances are you or someone you know has faced a job loss. And even if you are still employed, you've probably wondered, at least in passing, "Am I next?"

Although layoffs may now be common, they haven't become any easier to deal with. "Losing your job is like identity theft: Your sense of who you are can vanish," says Debbie Mandel, author of Addicted to Stress: A Woman's 7-Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life. And your feelings in response to that loss, whether it's yours or that of someone you care about, can be surprising and tumultuous — and can hit you deeper than you ever anticipated. Here, experts and women who have been there share how you can get through this tough, uncertain time.

When you're the one laid off

In the weeks after losing her job, Judy Lederman fought to stay productive and positive. She updated her résumé, filled out her final expense report, and made appointments with potential PR clients. "I thought, 'Look how qualified I am. I'll find something soon,'" Lederman says. "'And I've got unemployment and severance. I'll make it.'"

But as the months passed and her savings dwindled with no full-time job prospects in sight, Lederman struggled to find a glimmer of optimism. "It's a constant battle not to slide into that 'Why me?' victim mentality and all the self-pity that goes with it," she says. She's stopped listening to the radio, because she can't bear to hear the latest news about the jobless rate going up or the stock market going down — that will only compound her feelings of hopelessness.

Lederman has also been rocked by the blow to her sense of self. "When I go to a social gathering, I try to remind myself of all my accomplishments — I've published books and run my own PR firm — but I can't help but feel like a second-class citizen much of the time," she says. "I see other people and think, 'Look, they're working and I'm not,' and it's hard not to take that personally. And I'm embarrassed to admit, when I heard that another wave of layoffs hit my former employer, part of me went, 'Yessss! Now I don't feel so singled out.'"

While time plays a key role in healing the pain of a job loss, there are steps you can take to help the process move along more swiftly:

Don't go into overdrive. Tempting as it may be to launch yourself into a flurry of activity — calling everyone you know, e-mail-blasting your résumé to your entire address book — take a few days to just process what's happened to you, says life coach Jo Anne White, Ph.D., a coauthor of Emotional Wellness for Women Volume II and Volume III. Also, cut yourself major slack. If you need to spend an afternoon crying, or indulging complex revenge fantasies, or just sleeping, that's OK. Another tip: Surround yourself with people you can count on to be positive. In fact, you might want to share the news with just a few close friends at first, says Nancy Collamer, founder of layoffsurvivalguide.com. That way, you won't be overwhelmed by having to share your story again and again.

Don't overshare with the kids. Stick to the basics: You lost your job, the family may need to spend less right now, but you'll all work together to get through it. Don't promise anything you can't guarantee, like "I'll get a new job soon," says Chad Dion Lassiter, a social worker and adjunct lecturer at the University of Pennsylvania's School of Social Policy & Practice: "Instead, say something like, 'I'm going to do my best to do what's right for this family.'"

Be straight with your spouse. If your husband goes into fix-it mode — or dismisses your worries about the future with "Oh, it'll be fine" — you may need to directly ask for the kind of support you need, says White. "Say, 'I really need you to listen and not try to come up with a quick solution or ignore my concerns. You may not be able to fix it, but that's OK. I just need you to hear me.'"Protect yourself from gloom-and-doomers. While you might be able to shake off a thoughtless remark from a casual acquaintance, it's harder to ignore negativity from people close to you. In some cases — your brother who keeps asking you in hushed tones, "Gosh, how are you going to pay the mortgage?" or your friend who urges you not to endure "the shame" of collecting unemployment — you'll need to take a firm stand. "Your priority is to take care of yourself and your family," says White. "If people are being belittling or negative, say, 'If you're not going to support me or be positive — which is what I need right now — then I need to get off the phone.'"

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Lederman has found solace in those friends who keep her spirits up. "I try to talk to people who won't drag me down," she says. "You just can't weather this alone." Daily prayer has also become an important part of her life. "God keeps gravity working and the earth moving. Surely he'll keep me upright," she says.

When a family member is the one to lose a job

When Melissa Brewer's* husband lost his computer-programming job last April, it wasn't much of a surprise. "We had been anticipating it for a while, staying up at night talking about what we'd do if it happened," says Brewer, 33, a marketing professional and mother of two in San Jose, CA. "We'd even made an emergency budget, so we knew what we would have to cut."

More From Good Housekeeping

In her eagerness to be supportive, Brewer tried to be as positive as she possibly could be. "I found myself bending over backward to be loving in all areas of our life," Brewer explains. "That meant not turning down sex, not turning down things like 'Hey, can you get me a cup of coffee?,' not being rejecting in any way." But as months went by and her husband was unable to find work, the strain of maintaining her upbeat facade — not to mention the enormous pressure of being the family's sole breadwinner — started to wear on her. "I was swallowing a lot of my own pain about the situation because I didn't want to contribute to his negative feelings," she says. "But at times, I even wondered, 'Did I choose the right person to marry? Did I make a terrible decision?'"

*Name has been changed

Brewer's true feelings finally surfaced six months after her husband's layoff, when his unemployment benefits ran out. "The day we got the last check, we went to a party with a lot of people who didn't know our situation," she remembers. "We kept having to tell them what had happened, and they were all saying things like, 'Six months? That's a long time,' or 'Wow, that's really tough.'" Overwhelmed by the tsunami of concerned comments, Brewer realized, "Hey, this is really hard!" and broke down sobbing in the middle of the dinner party.

"My husband and I huddled in a back room while everyone else was at the table," she remembers. "I was crying hysterically and said things like, 'You may never find a job again!'" She told him the truth: that she was tired of always being positive. Her husband confessed that he was afraid too — afraid that he'd never find another job, afraid that the 10 years he'd spent in his industry were all a waste and he'd have to start over somewhere new. "He said he was glad I had told him how I really felt," Brewer says. "And it gave him a chance to comfort me, which I think was empowering for him."

Brewer's instinct to avoid burdening her husband was admirable, even if she carried it a little too far, says Mandel. "Think of yourselves as a team," she says. "Sometimes you're the one who carries the ball; sometimes it's your spouse's turn. You want to lighten his load so he can heal." Specific strategies:

Open your ears. Your very first priority when your spouse has been laid off is simply to listen, without judgment or blame. "Give him a few days where you're not offering suggestions like 'Why don't you apply for that job?'" says communications expert Laurie Puhn, a family lawyer, mediator, and author of Instant Persuasion. "He needs space to think through this situation. Just ask open-ended questions like 'How are you feeling?' And show your support by saying things like 'This is hard, but I know we'll get through it together.'"

Watch how he grieves. If your husband doesn't open up right away, it's important not to push him to do so, says White. "Men and women grieve very differently," she says. "Sometimes being supportive means just being quiet." But if you see signs of depression, such as insomnia (or sleeping too much), drinking too much, eating too much or not enough, or not getting dressed, suggest he talk to his doctor or a counselor, says White: "Say something like, 'You may not want to talk about this, but you've been sleeping nonstop for a few days now, and I'm getting worried. I can only imagine how hard this is for you, but maybe we need to do something more to help you pull out of it.'"

Don't make it about you. "You have a right to be upset about the situation, but saying things like you're disappointed you had to cancel a family vacation is just going to make your husband feel worse," says Collamer. But do find an outlet for your feelings somewhere. Talk to a friend; write in a journal; give yourself permission to leave early some mornings so you can sit in a café and clear your head for a half hour.Let him steer his job search. When your husband is ready, offer specific help (combing job listings online, for example, or networking with a coworker on his behalf), but do not — repeat, do not — jump in without asking first, says Puhn: "If he wants to do it on his own, you have to let him." If he seems to have lost motivation to look for a job, it may be because the kind of position he really wants seems too hard or time-consuming to get. "Tactfully suggest that he come up with shorter-term goals, as in, What can he do now to make money?" says Puhn. "Let him know you'll be proud of him for making the tough choice to take a job that isn't exactly what he wants."Don't huddle at home. The change in job status may make you less inclined to socialize, but in stressful times, it's important to reach out to people besides your spouse, says Mandel. See other couples; encourage your husband to hang out with his guy friends without you. "You need to have that village," says Mandel. "Don't keep him with you and cocoon him."

As for Melissa Brewer, her husband hasn't found a job yet, but she has found comfort in realizing that they are rich in family, friends, and love. "I now know that our marriage is never going to go away," says Brewer. "This is one of the hardest things that can happen, but we're together and we're a team."

When you have a friend in need

Last September, Molly Atkinson's close friend from high school was suddenly let go from her job at a pharmaceutical company. The layoff was doubly upsetting because her bosses had reassured her just weeks earlier that her job was safe, which added feelings of betrayal to the mix. "She was devastated," says Atkinson, 32. "She loved her job, and besides that, she and her husband have a really big mortgage that they're worried about."

Atkinson comforted her friend and, over the next few months, gave her pointers on her résumé and cover letters, acted as a constant cheerleader, and shared money-saving tips and hard-won wisdom from when she herself was jobless several years earlier. But she never expected that her own good fortune might make her friend's problems harder to bear.

In December, Atkinson lost her job at a nonprofit in Sacramento, CA — but found a new job very quickly. "I didn't want to call and share my good news, since my friend had been trying so hard for months," says Atkinson. "When I did talk to her, I pretended my new job was a step down because I felt so bad about the situation. All she said was, 'Wow, you're so lucky.'"

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

For Christmas, Atkinson splurged and bought her friend a Coach passport cover. "When she opened it, there was a moment of silence, and then she just said how nice it was and thanked me," says Atkinson. Then Atkinson opened her gift: a homemade picture frame with a photo of the two friends. "That was when the amount of time that she'd been without a job or paycheck hit me," says Atkinson. Though she made a fuss over how beautiful and special her friend's handmade gift was, she left feeling like a "big jerk," Atkinson says. And she continues to feel guilty as her friend's unemployment benefits run out. "I didn't expect my friend to be so happy for all my blessings. She should be resentful, but she's not," explains Atkinson. "And that makes it harder to handle: Why are these bad things happening to such a wonderful person?"

More From Good Housekeeping

As Atkinson learned, financial crises can challenge a friendship in unexpected ways. Here's what you can do to handle the situation:

Connect. Don't feel awkward about making the first move. Call or e-mail, acknowledge what happened, and invite your friend out for coffee or a meal. Keep it simple. Say, "I'm so sorry about your work situation. Is there anything I can do to help?" Then follow her cues: If she changes the subject, let it go, but if she does want to talk, listen. If she doesn't respond when you reach out, don't barrage her with calls and e-mails, which might add to her stress, says White. Instead, try a single message, something like, "I want you to know I'm here for you. Is it OK for me to keep calling, or do you need me to leave you alone for a while?"

Drop the Pollyanna routine. Steer clear of platitudes like "Everything will be OK" and "There's bound to be an even better job just around the corner." And don't be ridiculously upbeat, says Puhn. "It's easy for you to say, 'Oh, it's for the best. You hated your boss and now you're free.' But the reality is that you still get to go to your job and get paid. It's a lot different for someone who truly may not be able to handle the bills that arrive next month."

Think one step ahead. When your friend is ready to accept some support, offer specific ways you can help. Don't wait to be asked. Brainstorm what might make her life easier. It could be anything from introducing her to a professional connection to watching her children while she goes on an interview. Check in again. Keep checking in to see how your friend is doing, asking about the job hunt every few weeks or so. "Say, 'How are you doing? Is there anything promising?'" suggests Puhn. "You might be afraid to bring it up in case your friend hasn't found a job, but meanwhile she's thinking that you don't even care enough to ask what's going on." Remember, she may have lost a big part of her social network along with her job, so do invite her out for low- or no-cost activities, such as dinner at your house or a weekly morning walk.

The most important thing, though, is to simply let her know she's not forgotten, says White. "Think about how you'd feel. You'd need to know that your friends value you and want to stay in touch. And what better way to let someone know they're important to you than to reach out?"

Job-Hunting Tips for the Laid-Off

Do wait a few days or weeks to send out your résumé. "You won't be thinking totally clearly those first couple of days, so it's not a good time to make judgments about your résumé and what kind of job you want," says Nancy Collamer, founder of layoffsurvivalguide.com.

Don't worry about sharing your news; there's no shame in being laid off. "When you're ready, tell people you're on the market!" says Lisa Mininni, author of Me, Myself, and Why? The Secrets to Navigating Change.

Do use the right words when talking with potential employers. "Say, 'Unfortunately, due to the current economy, my company had layoffs and I was one of the people who lost my job,'" says Collamer. Warning: Don't use the word "fired," which implies that you were at fault.

Don't stay angry at your past employer. That resentment can wind up working against you, so dig deep and let it go. "You'll need a reference from your old job someday," says Laurie Puhn, a family lawyer and author of Instant Persuasion. "So ask yourself: Would you rather hate them or have a new job?"

Do maintain a schedule. "A regular routine provides needed structure to get you up and moving through your day," says Collamer.

Don't spend hours on job Websites. Yes, they can be helpful, but they can also vacuum up all your free time. Remember, says Collamer, "most people still find jobs through their own networking."