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Musings from my fun Empty Nest Life…

Category Archives: Relationships

When both our daughters went off to college each for the first time, it was made easier because they were so excited and eager to launch from the nest. They were making pretty good life decisions, as far as we knew. 🙂 We worked to give them lots of “opportunities to show trust and responsibility”. You can ask them and they will tell you that I would say that I wanted “to give them enough rope to grow and learn but not so much that they could hang themselves”.

I’m not going to say their leaving wasn’t hard, because it was. With both of them, the first few weeks after they left home were okay, it felt like they were just off to summer camp. No big deal. It was around that 6th week for both of them that I would find myself saying, “This isn’t fun anymore…This is starting to feel long….” and I’d go to their respective room, lay on their bed and let myself cry.

The best advice I ever received on saying that final goodbye, came from a gentleman that I used to go with to see Broadway shows in Dallas. He was a choir director for our parish and Mark was all too happy for Kevin to be my date for the night for that type of entertainment. One night, over dinner Kevin and I talked about my youngest daughter leaving soon for College. He offered this: “Don’t say your goodbyes at the dorm. And, if you can – try not to tear up too much.” The reason he offered this was because of the trauma he had felt when his Mom and Aunt left him at college. In the weeks leading up to the drop off they talked of how excited they were for him and how much fun he was going to have and it is going to all be amazing. Only to find them, leaving him in the front yard of his dorm crying uncontrollably. It totally caught him off guard and made him think “wait a minute!”. Should I be worried or upset? Where did this come from? Is this going to be okay???

Mark and I planned a dinner out the night or so before we were to take Madison off to college. We invited a couple of her close friends to come with us to her favorite Sushi restaurant, Ra. During dinner, Mark and I toasted her… told her how very proud we were for her… and admitted to her that our hearts were breaking a little at seeing her leave — I teared up, which gave us all the opportunity for well-meaning hugs all around…

The next day, we packed up 2 SUVs of college stuff and moved her into the dorm. People were everywhere, moving in hectic and the day was sweltering. In the end, we were all hot, sweaty and exhausted from all the back and forth to the cars and the dorm room set up. I can still see her on that entry porch to the dorm looking through us as we gave her a last hug before leaving. She was distracted, to say the least and had a sort of fish out of water, what now kind of look…

There was no way on the steps of that dorm, that we could have said and she herself in-turn absorbed the really meaningful goodbyes, words of encouragement, love, and yes even the sadness if we hadn’t listened to Kevin’s advice…

When I heard that Robin Williams passed away yesterday, I was struck like I had heard my own family member pass. My husband, in-turn had the same reaction when I told him the news. “What?!”… “Robin Williams died?!?”… With a pause to process the shock…

Robin was so rare and unique in his approach to his art. He stood out amongst all others with his, let’s put it all out there, no holds barred delivery whether it was on the stage, in a comedy club, on the camera filming in-front of a studio audience, or on the screen in a small therapist’s office. He was absolute genius in his funny, intelligent, emotional, fast-thinking, physical approach to his art. Yet, it was in the midst of all the hurry, scurry that he was able to stop midstride and exhibit great depth of feeling for others, things, ideas, dreams. This abrupt pause had the ability to leave the audience with a deeper sense of life, suffering, humanity, healing…

I had often thought that in Robin Williams, “There is no great genius without a mixture of madness.” ~Aristotle As, many highly intelligent people can be viewed in the same context. Thank God for these out of the box thinkers! They surprise us into seeing the world in new and unique ways. They shock us into thinking that “yes, things can be done differently” even when they are ridiculed in their search for discovery for things like fire, light, flight…

I do know one thing for sure, his family shouldn’t blame themselves… They loved him deeply and did all they could for him, I’m most certain…

I speak from experience having lost a dear sister 8 years ago to suicide, that when suicide happens it is like a tidal wave has appeared without notice and all you knew that existed is washed away leaving nothing but raw emotion and pain in its midst as one numbly searches for any remnants of what was…

I’m not saying any of the following happened to the Williams family members, but this tidal wave can come on especially strong if your recent contact with your loved one was really positive and hopeful. I know, because just a couple of days before Tamra’s plan, she came to visit me and acted as her life was going great. Thanked me for all my help in getting her settled and on a new path and direction, even wrote me a thank you card and gave me a huge bear hug. You just never know… All the while she was telling me good-bye…

Like Robin, Tamra was highly intelligent and witty. She battled demons and had gotten professional help, but it has become my understanding that when a person makes up their mind to take this action, it’s not unlike a person having a brain stroke… Tamra took 2 weeks and actually planned her way out of the hurt, even in the midst of seeing our family and laughing away with us during Easter… seeing her psychiatrist the following week… She got drunk the night she took her own life, but it wasn’t the drinking that caused it, it was the drinking that helped her pull the trigger.

For his loved ones, for the healing that take place takes the one thing that is needed the most is — TIME. Time to grieve, feel, rest and process in whatever way you need to process. I had the help of a fantastic therapist to help me navigate my way back to a “new normal” and clergy that assured me that God loves her before, during and after… I could only move forward thinking that maybe God spared her in some way from long-term suffering, to a life that wasn’t going to improve not matter how much she, we all tried? I don’t know… I still would much rather she be here suffering with the rest of us…

I leave on this. The world has lost a great talent in Robin Williams and I’m so thankful we all got to share him for a few decades there…

And onto a PSA: Mental Illness is not something that is talked about enough in society. There is nothing wrong with seeking or asking for help. It is akin to going to the doctor of high blood pressure or diabetes. If you think you or a loved one are depressed, here is a list of things to look for – I found the following on Webmd.com:

Warning Signs of Severe Depression

Depression is a common but serious disease that ranges widely in severity. If you have a milder case, you may struggle with symptoms that include sadness, irritability, anger, and fatigue that last for weeks or longer. Such depression interferes with your daily life and relationships.

But some cases of depression are more severe, with intense symptoms that may include significant appetite and weight loss, sleep problems, and frequent thoughts of death or suicide. Such depression can be paralyzing. You may isolate yourself and have trouble getting out of bed or leaving the house.

Symptoms of Severe Depression

What are the symptoms of severe depression?

Alcohol or drug abuse

Insomnia or excessive sleeping

Irritability

Loss of interest in activities that used to be enjoyable

Hopelessness

Persistent thoughts of something bad happening

Thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts

In very severe cases, psychotic symptoms (such as hallucinations or delusions)

Although you might feel that there’s no hope, talk to your doctor about treatment options. Even severe depression symptoms can be treated.

Risk Factors for Suicide

Not all people with risk factors will be suicidal. In addition to depression or other mental illness, risk factors for suicide include:

Past history of substance abuse

Past history of suicide attempt

Family history of suicide

Family history of mental illness or substance abuse

Firearms in the home

Incarceration

Feelings of hopelessness

Suicidal Thoughts: An Emergency (We took Tamra by ambulance to the ER g months before her suicide)

For people who are severely depressed, suicide is a real threat. Each year, about 30,000 people in the U.S. take their own lives, although the true number may be higher. Some suicides go unrecognized because they’re classified as accidents, drug overdoses, or shootings. Among people whose depression remains untreated, up to 15% will kill themselves.

What are the warning signs of suicide? According to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, they include:

Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill yourself

Looking for a way to kill yourself, such as searching online for methods or buying a gun

Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live

Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain

Talking about being a burden to others

Increasing use of alcohol or drugs

Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly

Sleeping too little or too much

Withdrawing or feeling isolated

Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge

Displaying extreme mood swings

Getting Help

Be aware that often, suicidal behavior is impulsive. Remove any weapons, medications, or other means that you might use to harm yourself. Ask a trusted person to keep your gun away from you and to lock up your knives. Flush stockpiled pills down the toilet. By getting such items out of your surroundings, you may buy time — enough valuable time for you overcome a suicidal impulse and to consider other ways to cope with your pain.

Avoid using alcohol or illegal drugs, or seek treatment to break dependence on these substances. They can worsen your depression and lead to thoughts of suicide. Some studies have found that among people who have completed suicide, 33%-69% have had alcohol detected in their blood.

If you are severely depressed or have suicidal thoughts, tell your primary care doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist. Or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline anytime at (800) 273-TALK.

If you feel that you can’t control the urge to harm yourself, or if you’ve already taken steps to harm yourself, call 911 or go to the emergency room without delay. You may need to be hospitalized for supervised treatment to reduce the risk of suicide.

Mark had been talking about getting an AR-15 for several years. Hunters use them to stalk feral hogs at their deer leases, farms, ranches, etc. Turns out, feral hogs are actually domesticated hogs that were just let go in the wild and boy do they multiply like rabbits and wreak havoc on people’s land. They root up crops and roads and are a serious problem here in Texas. Well, Mark didn’t want just any AR-15, he wanted his BFF Don to build one for him as Don had started a hobby of making guns. (BTW: I have a feeling it is against “man law” for guys to refer to each other as BFFs, especially these two which is why I put that in here.) 🙂

As a surprise for Mark, I emailed Don to ask if he would have the time and possibly be interested in building one for me for a Christmas present for Mark. He quickly replied, “Sure! All you need to do is go to a gun store near you called Cheaper Than Dirt and purchase a ‘stripped lower’ for it. Ship it to me and I’ll get started.” I wrote the part name down on my weekly shopping list: Fall Wreath, New Bed Sheets, Black Platform Peep Toe Shoes, “Don’t forget to get a S-T-R-I-P-P-E-D L-O-W-E-R” – Check.

There is a reason for this following part, so work with me here:

I usually like to save my serious shopping days for one particular day of the week. I’m not talking grocery shopping but the kind of shopping you do for Christmas, party planning, special projects, clothes and the like. I like to get dressed up and “go to town”. It feels good to do this because being a housewife now, I will actually go days without even putting on shoes much less make-up, so it is a healthy thing for me to do. On this particular day, I paired fun grey denim leggings, with a sexy off one shoulder ala Flashdance, pale-geometric print shirt. I completed the outfit with pretty, high-heeled black ankle boots and my black Prada bag.

I went about my shopping day from Michaels to Bed, Bath and Beyond, to you name it and ended the day, as planned at Cheaper than Dirt. It’s a much smaller store than say a Cabelas or a Bass Pro Shop. It is more the size of a small pawn shop. Now, I’m sure it wasn’t completely like this… but this is actually how I felt — As I walked in, I did not see any hunting gear, etc. as I’m used to seeing when accompanying Mark to gun stores. What I found was a bunch of men who looked like they were involved in militia/biker groups and one guy who looked like he was employed in personal security and/or maybe the mafia. Not one of them was wearing cammo.

The surprise must have shown on my face, because the store manager came up to me with a raised eyebrow and in an are sure you’re in the right place type voice said, “Can I help you?” I said, “Yes. Give me a sec.” (as I fished through my Prada bag for my shopping notes finding and reading the note to him) “Yes, I’m here to purchase a stripped lower for an AR-15?” His eyes immediately shot up in surprise and he said “Oh-kay then, follow me.” We passed a customer looking at what looked like a SWAT team vest, and another seriously contemplating Bowie knives while carrying a gas mask and turned down a random non-descript aisle. In the center of this aisle, passed all the pre-packaged doomsday survivor food, we came up to a locked glass case. I seriously did not recognize anything in it. When Don said I needed to go get this gun part, I thought, I don’t know – I really didn’t think… but I guess I would have thought it looked like a gun that needed finishing – whatever that means.

Anyway, the manager opens the case and gets out the part and says, “This, is it.” It looked like a random extra part you’d find yourself left with after taking apart your own car engine and putting it back together again. He does not hand me the part but says, “You know, you will need a background check for this?” I laughed a silly Ha-ha laugh as if I knew he was surely joking. He replied without smiling, “I’m beingtotallyserious.” I couldn’t believe it! I told him, the guy looking at Bowie knives looked like he’d need a background check sooner than I would for this little random God knows what part for a friend to build my husband a surprise present. His reply, “Well, you see – this actually is the firing chamber of the gun.” Okay – learning something new today…

Well, I thought it would be an in-and-out type store purchase and was not planning to spend an hour or so filling out paperwork, so I looked at my over-sized Men’s sparkle watch with the faux diamond ring around it and asked him how long it would take. He said, “Well it shouldn’t take very long or be a problem (pause) unless – you have arecord?” I told him “Of course not!” He then paused and said “I don’t know how to ask this but do you know if your gun-building-friend has a felony record? Because, it would be a felony for you, yourself to supply him this part if he does.”

“What?!” Now, I’ve known Don for 30 years. He is the salt of the earth, church goin’, God fearing, great guy and I was pretty sure he had no record, but for a minute or so I got to dialoging the following to myself. “Hm. Why didn’t Don just get the part himself? What if h…… Naaaaaw, he’s fine…… Well, he is into building guns now for fun and most certainly part of some government watch lis……. Naaawh, he just likes to hunt big time – Don’t be crazy, D’Ann….…” So, after this hesitation, I told the guy I’m pretty sure he’s fine, let’s fill out that application. As he took the signed application from me, he said, “You can just walk around and shop while I call into the State.” I looked around the store and then at him and said, “What do you seriously think I’d shop for?!” – He laughed at me and told me I could just stand by him – it would be okay.

Well of course, I was cleared and went to grab the part off the desk. He stopped me short and said he actually had to walk me up to the front to the cashier. Now, the guy working the cashier’s desk was this HUGE, tall black guy. I’m not saying huge as in fat, but the don’t mess with me; I’m a bodyguard type guy build. The manager placed the stripped lower on the counter and said, “This lady would like to buy this, please.” The cashier looks at the part, looks up at me and without a smile and a raised eyebrows asks, “You? Building a gun today?” I looked him straight in the eye and said, “Why yes, I am. I was at Michael’s and I bought a few things to make a Fall wreath for my front door and just thought I’d go ahead and purchase some faux beads, jewels and a hot glue gun. I want to surprise my husband and not only make, but also bedazzle an AR-15 for him for Christmas.” He/we all laughed our butts off at this point. I’m sure when I left that store; all the guys in there were all rolling their eyes and thinking “’em G-Damn yuppie women…”

I could not wait to get in my car and on my cell phone, so I could read Don the riot act for not warning me about any of this and laugh about it… I also couldn’t wait to give Mark the gun, so I could tell him the crazy story of what I had to go through to get this gun made for him. I might just hot glue a little pink jewel on it someday when he’s not looking just to finish it off and put my own unique mark on it…

The funny thing in hindsight is that I’m now probably on some list as owning an assault rifle and I haven’t shot a gun in years!

Several years ago, a long-time friend of mine, Kathleen and I decided to start taking Girls Trips together each September, after we drop our kids off at their college(s). We’ve been friends for 22+ years. Our husbands worked together, we both had our last babies at the same time – would sit on the phone for hours and talk about Oprah’s latest topics – our latest explorations into whatever fad/topic of the day from Andrew Weil’s holistic medicine approach to whatever Psychobabble Guru of the Day was selling and would delve into our wounded inner-child(ren) at length… We have one of those easy friendships that just picks up quite easily no matter how much time has passed. A real gift and blessing.

2 years ago, another oil field wife and also a long-time friend, Stephanie joined us for a trip to England, as her baby girl went off to Baylor and the trip was a great distraction from her trepidation over the milestone. We skipped last year for financial reasons on my part. Mark and I had put in a pool, cabana and backyard flower beds in our blank canvass of a backyard and needless to say it dried up any available funds for travel.

This year, we went on a Viking River Cruise through Central Europe – the name of the cruise was “Romantic Danube”. It wouldn’t have been my first pick but my friend Kathleen, a gypsy-free-spirit has travelled the globe, and this area was new to her.

After it was all said and done, I highly suggest going on a Viking River Cruise. You get spoiled, pampered and spoon-fed your vacation and the history of the places you visit. It is intimate with 150 or so guests. The food is great and when you aren’t touring a castle, church or hamlet, you enjoy literally watching the beautiful world go by as the boat putters to your next destination. Viking plans to expand to even the Mississippi River and when they do, I’m going to book for sure.

Turns out, these river cruises started out just in the 1990s and one can tell that they have been a great boon for the local towns’ economies that they visit. For example, I would have made plans to visit Vienna maybe, but never to visit small but richly important towns like Melk, Regensburg and the like. I’m hoping the same for the US towns along the Mississippi if Viking pans out here in the US. It will be interesting to see what happens…

We went through 42 locks going down the Danube. According to Wikipedia, A lock is a device for raising and lowering boats between stretches of water of different levels on river and canal waterways. Most of the locks we went through I slept right through, but passengers spoke of the loud noises they made. Pretty extrodinary to experience, but I would maybe inquire how many locks you would have to endure for whatever cruise destination you are considering if they are a bother and keep you up.

Trip/Town Notes – I’ll start with this:

Our British Airways’ Luck

I was dreading the trip because I don’t like having to fly cooped up in a small space for so long. I was miserable on our flight to England two years ago and had planned to knock myself out with sleep meds. Kathleen reminded me that I’m in the car for hours when I drive home, what’s the difference. She had a good point there, but… Well, we got to the Houston airport early to see if we could upgrade to Business class at a discounted price. It was still pricey, but so worth it! We could get pampered even in the airline’s private Lounge at the airport and on the plane we were able to stretched out and just relax for the 10 hour flight. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have upgraded, because I don’t ever want to fly economy again!

About a year or two after Madison went off to college, Mark and I found that we had pretty much moved into a comfortable Sunday morning routine: I read the Dallas Morning News pretty much cover to cover, except for the Business and Sport sections. While, the latter mentioned sections are all Mark cares to scan. And then, when quickly done, he watches all the Fishing shows that he has accumulated throughout the week. The background noise on the fishing shows on Sunday mornings is so in-grained into this routine that when it is not there now, something feels out of place.

One Sunday morning stands out, because of a surprise knock down, drag out that occurred:

First let me say, Mark and I do get snippy with each other. Who doesn’t? However, after 30 years of marriage – for the most part we’ve pretty much settled down, grown up, given up or are just don’t have the energy to care passionately about the things we use to – so when a real fight happens with raised voices. Wow – it must have been rather serious.

The background on this spat: I’m a devout People Magazine reader and can’t wait for the magazine to show up in my mailbox every Friday. I’ve been reading it for years, which accounts for why I cannot answer basic trivia questions like, “Who was the president during the Civil War?”, but can tell you what shoes Duchess Kate was wearing while she delivered the future King of England, recently.

The answer: “The LK Bennet Sledge Shoe in color – Nude”… (Okay, don’t really know what Kate wore, but that is her go-to shoe for major events.)

Mark on the other hand reads B.A.S.S. Master, of course and the occasional AAOP Flight magazine. When he became an empty nester, he got his pilot’s license and his whole goal now while flying with me is to “not allow the bitch to come out” because of some surprising manevour he does that I am not anticipating (another story for another day).

On a recent Sunday morning, Mark came reeling into the breakfast area from the garage with a Pilot magazine rolled up and clutched in his hand yelling, “WHY is THIS in the recycling bin?!?!?!?!” Rather surprised, I answered, “Well, because I’ve seen that particular magazine sit on the coffee table for few weeks without being read. So, when I cleaned house this week, I tossed a few of those out and when this new one came in, I just tossed it, too. Why?”

“Do I ever throw your People Magazines away?!?!”

“Of course not, but you knowI read them. I don’t’ see you reading yours!”

“Do me a favor, don’t throw away any more of my Pilot magazines without asking, okay?!?!”…

“Oh-Kaaay…” (insert eye roll here)

I finished my Sunday newspaper ritual, walked to the recycling bin in the garage to dispose of it and I’ll give you one guess as to what I found on the very top in the recycling bin?

You guessed it, My Own CURRENT issue of PEOPLE MAGAZINE! Hahahahahah! I couldn’t help but march into the living room with said People Magazine and laugh my butt off with Mark in a fake fight about it all at that point…