The Boston Red Sox Players’ 2008 Guide to Holiday Gift Giving, Part One

What child hasn’t dreamed of owning and operating his or her own lumber yard? With the Playskool LumberLand set, you can let their imaginations run free and wild across a dream scape of solid wood. They’ll learn the gentle arts of tree felling, wood cutting, rail car driving and ogling Christie, the new cashier from out of town. The Deluxe Edition comes complete with migrant workers, who come prepared, right out of the box, to help your child construct and maintain a lumber yard that they–and you–can truly be proud of. As third baseman for the Boston Red Sox, I’ve been able to make my dreams come true. Now I want to help your kids realize their full potential by opening doors to a possible career in the lucrative lumber trade.

The Playskool LumberLand set requires 49,500 square feet of open space and eighty-two “D” batteries, but provides a lifetime of wood-based fun and learning.

Also, elves live in my beard.

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Mike Timlin for Barnett Crossbows.

Look, with the Democrats set to take over, America’s never been more ripe for the picking by foreign hostiles. You can choose to bend over and take it, and hope that the new Chinese overlords won’t put you and your family to work building the Great Wall of Brighton, or you can take back your neighborhood by transforming your kids into a regiment of sharp-shooting crossbowmen (and, of course, crossbowgirls). Look, there’s nothing wrong with protecting you and your family from rabid squirrels, leftists, terrorists, drug dealers or the Giambi Brothers. Some might say it’s even an admirable thing. But you can’t bring a slingshot to a crossbow fight. You need a crossbow. Preferably, a Barnett.

And if you think it’s just not safe enough for your kiddies, consider this: right now, Communist children are learning how to assemble tactical nuclear devices out of Colorforms and Shrinky Dinks. But don’t let the impending collapse of life as we know it pull you away from the latest David Sedaris book.

The crossbows are here when you need them. In the sporting goods section of your local “Wal-Mart.” And remember, every crossbow comes with your kid’s choice of a Wally or Brad Mills plush doll.

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Josh Beckett for Tobacco.

Nothing says love like a stocking packed high with tobacco. Trust me on this.