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Breakup

How many of us have confused lust with love at some point in life? Or have mistaken danger for adventure? I’ve fallen in “love” a couple times. Once was a first love, and it had many of the entanglements for confusing what is good with what was bad because I didn’t know any better. The second love was even worse, mistaking supreme brokenness for a common ground on which relationship could be built. But you can’t build anything on a crumbling foundation. At least, nothing that will stand for very long, which is probably why he hadn’t been able to maintain long-term relationships before me.

There’s a difference between someone who is an anchor and someone who drags you down into the depths of the water to drown. It took a long time for me to understand that. To recognize that I need somebody who will slow me a little bit, but who is courageous enough to not fear something just because it is unknown.

Mindy Gledhill – Anchor (Official Video)

I find boldness and courage attractive, as well as the ability to build, restore and create. It’s why I’ve historically been attracted to men who are engineers or musicians, guys who can fix a car and figure out how to repair things. They are, in a way, my favorite reflection of what I now see as the Creator. Their mind works to solve problems, to fix what is broken, to make something new. But a creator should care for creation, and not only things that are built but life itself.

I’ve almost always ended up with men who, while possessing this passion for creating, have a lack of love for creation. In other words, the respect for the lives of others was often missing. They served themselves first and foremost, which is why in the beginning I would always be fooled, for what served them best at that point was to be a chameleon, to put on the colors of love, empathy and compassion without having much behind it. They behaved as if they were playing a video game where people were just a means to an end and the only player that mattered was ultimately them. This occurred so frequently that I began to attribute the traits of these particular individuals to all men.

It’s why I had to take so much time off from dating after my last relationship. Each time I tried to venture into the field, I found myself with the same chameleons even though I had come to learn that there were many men who were not like this. I began to wonder if perhaps it was me that was the problem. What made me so attractive to predatory men while I remained so invisible to men with a heart for God and His people? I don’t know what that answer is yet, but I do know I am a different person from the one I was a few years ago. So I’ll keep focused on the things to which I feel called, and wait for the man who will push me gently towards adventure and be an anchor without drowning me.

Someone wanted to talk to me earlier this week about relationships, particularly the hold that the bad ones have on us and the fight it takes to get free. This last time for me it didn’t take long to recognize the difference between missing RELATIONSHIP and missing the guy I had been in a relationship with, but there is freedom in knowing what you really desire versus confusing it with someone who might be a habit or a crutch.

See, there’s a super good reason I’m not with any of the guys I’ve ever dated, whether that was a choice I made or they did. It’s done and I want healing for them and me. I want each of us to be successful and healthy in our next relationship. But that can be hard sometimes, particularly if it was a rather toxic relationship. You want to sit and feel like… half of Ed Sheeran’s albums.

But the fact is, and I’m not a big T-Swift fan, we need shake it off. Learn from the past and move on from it because that relationship is DEAD and all we are doing is wasting time.

Taylor Swift – Shake It Off

And once you’ve shaken it off, don’t forget. Don’t backtrack. You’re at a great place: where you realize it’s good to be alive and things are pretty amazing… people will start to notice that about you.

While I will readily admit we are not on the same page for all things when it comes to certain issues within our faith (like feminism), I certainly agree with what I found written in this blog post and I think this woman has a tremendous amount of insight to offer.