It’s Cute Alec Baldwin Thinks He Can Stay Away From Twitter

I’ve just gotten word that in the wake of Alec Baldwin‘s latest controversy — that little old thing where he got all homophobic at a Daily Mail reporter and called him a ‘queen’ on Twitter and threatened to put his foot up his ass if only he wouldn’t ‘dig it too much’ — Alec has solemnly and with great ceremony quit Twitter. Again. Great! Awesome! If I have children one day, I’m going to make sure to advise them that if they’re ever offensive on Twitter, all that’s really necessary to clean up their tracks is to issue a slapdash apology and drop that social network like it’s hot. That way, even if Anderson Cooper doesn’t accept your apology — because homophobia should never, ever be in your insult wheelhouse, no matter what you’re pretending the connotation of ‘queen’ is — you can still point at your extremely permanent leave-taking from social media as a harbinger of deep personal growth. In fact, let Alec tell you himself how much he’s learned:

“I went to James Gandolfini‘s funeral, and when I was there I realized Jimmy Gandolfini didn’t have Twitter. Jimmy Gandolfini was so beloved as a person, and he was so admired as an actor, and he didn’t give a [expletive] about social media. I really learned a lesson at the funeral. I said to myself, ‘This is all a waste of time.’ Meaning it’s fun sometimes, but less and less, and less. It’s just another chink in your armor for people to come and kill you. I stopped and said to myself, I’m going to try where I just don’t do this anymore.”

Good, I’m glad we all got the same feelings from that funeral. It’s rare I leave any kind of sacred ceremony these days without some kind of revelation about my Instagram account, but let’s also be aware that this isn’t the first time Alec has done this.

He’s actually what we would call a Professional ‘Qwitter’ — that is, Twitter quitter. This happens to be the third time he’s quit twitter (you pinch-hitter, so think bigger…sorry, the undiagnosed OCD part of my brain took over those rhymes there for a second), but luckily, as we all know, once you do something three times, you’re officially over it and you never have to do it again. Just look at Lindsay Lohan and rehab! And Brangelina and expanding their family! And seasons of Arrested Development. All of those things happened exactly three times and then never ever happened again no matter what, so there’s some science for you. Give me your hand so I can put a stamp on it that says you learned that and no one will ever ask you about it again. I have a pretty good understanding of knowledge and the knowing of it. Which incidentally figures into my suspicion that Alec will be back on Twitter before you can say, ‘irrational meltdown’ three times.