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Jean-Claude Masson, a 29-year-old Parisian who is the star of a new multi-award winning state-funded Canal Plus film, has admitted to facing a profound crisis as a result of discovering the essential futility of human existence. However, he has promised that this will not get in the way of his career as a freelance PR copywriter to the aviation industry.

‘We are all solely responsible for our own destiny, yet we are powerless against the blank, crushing indifference of the universe,’ he said. ‘We yearn for the easy truths of God’s existence, yet our own intelligence tells us to undermine this sole prop to our happiness by enquiring. But, hey, no point moping – you’ve got to get on with it haven’t you, eh?’

Masson has therefore decided to break with tradition by maintaining his personal hygiene regime and continuing to wear a suit and tie to work, even though this is not a formal requirement of a freelancer. He will also continue to shave, not think morbid thoughts and avoid excessive consumption of alcohol, cigarettes or coffee, while treating his girlfriend, Florence Duchesnay, with respect.

‘She does annoy me sometimes, the way she wanders around in the nude all day sulking,’ admitted Masson. ‘But that’s not a reason to start slapping her, sneer at her for no apparent reason, force her into rough sex or throw her in a canal. What kind of world are we living in where people do that kind of thing? Oh yeah, a meaningless one, I nearly forgot.’

Although Monday is looming, Masson has also decided that this is not a sufficient reason for either himself or Duchesnay to die or mutilate themselves in a bizarre and horrible way. ‘Sure, it’s tempting,’ he said ‘but it’s also Media Jobs day in the Guardian and I’m sure Airbus must need some help with their press releases soon.’