Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Medicated Movie Reviews: A Codeine-Hazed Journey Through Film

I seem to be on the mend from whatever raging
bug finally got me (so much for my aforementioned super-immunity), and now I
have lots and lots of movies to tell you about that I watched in a medicated stupor
while sucking down mug after mug of mint tea with lemon.

Spring
Breakers

I started with “Spring Breakers”, directed by
Harmony Korine of “Kids” fame, and featuring James Franco as a terminally sleazy
but utterly riveting criminal white rapper named Alien. Until I saw this movie,
I wasn’t sure which way to go on James Franco. I couldn’t decide if he was a
marginally talented actor aspiring to the pretentious, if he was a fake cultivating
some arty long-con on the public, or if he was truly brilliant. Forget
brilliant. I have decided that the man is a bona-fide genius. His performance
was jaw-dropping; one of the most astounding I have ever seen. I couldn’t take
my eyes off him. But aside from that, “Spring Breakers” is deeply weird and dreamy
and smart and cringe-inducing at the same time. I remember lots of pretty
colors, beer, breasts, beer-soaked breasts, Bacchanalian beach parties,
horrifying yet deeply compelling scenes of drug-fueled debauchery, and then
Things Going Terribly Wrong. Lots of neon pink and yellow at the end. And girls
behaving very badly, with
semi-automatics. I know there was profound social commentary in there
somewhere, but I can’t properly analyze it because all the candy colors and flickering
jump shots scrambled my already drug-addled brain.

Vicky
Cristina Barcelona

I took a little break from the weird and frenetic
for an old-fashioned Woody Allen romantic comedy, “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”,
which I enjoyed a lot, but in my medicated state, probably found to be much
sadder than it actually is. It also made me want to move to Spain, where the citizens
seem to drink wine with every meal and have endless leisure time to loll around
angsting picturesquely over Art. It sounds like my kind of place! I also enjoyed
it because my personality consists of a constant internal battle between the
uptight but quietly passionate Vicky, and the free-wheeling, creative, but
chronically unsatisfied Cristina. And who can complain when you get to watch
the delicious Javier Bardem flowing around in red silk shirts and being all
tragic and sexy? The funniest thing in the entire movie was the father of
Bardem’s character Juan Antonio. He’s a brilliant poet who refuses to publish any of his work because he hates the world and thinks it doesn’t deserve
the beauty he has to offer it. Maybe that should be my new “thing”—refusing to
publish out of pure spite!

The Faculty

Oh, my God. “The Faculty” was fantastic! And I’m
certain it’s not just the codeine talking. How could you not love a movie about
cephalopod-based aliens taking over a small-town high school, where in the
opening scene actress Bebe Neuwirth gets a pencil stabbed all the way through
her hand and then gets her throat slashed by the dowdy drama teacher? Enough
said. Except that it was startling to see Elijah Wood completely out context,
in regular old high school instead of Middle Earth, where he rightfully belongs.

Melinda
and Melinda

Another Woody Allen movie. This one was just
kind of “meh”. All I really liked about it was that Wallace Shawn was in it.

Kids

I was so riveted by “Spring Breakers” that I
time-traveled all the way back to 1995 to watch “Kids”, which I missed the
first time around. I was rendered speechless. I don’t think of myself as an old
prude, but I wanted to round up every single one of those feckless little hoodlums
and immediately ship them off to military school. Catholic military school. And my Theraflu-ridden brain could only
helplessly repeat the phrase, “Where are their parents??? Where?? Why are eleven-year-old boys smoking blunts at a booze-fueled
house party and bragging about shtupting hos? What’s happening? Let me in there! I’m adopting them all immediately and imposing
structure on their little hood-rat lives!” (What can I say? The youngest kids in the movie
were heartbreakingly adorable and horrifically misguided.)

But in all seriousness, “Kids” is a very
challenging--I would even say confrontational--film. And it’s a really important
and complex one. It’s the only film I’ve ever seen that has been willing to
portray adolescent sexuality in a truly frank and honest way, especially female
adolescent sexuality. Even now in 2013, it’s a radical film with a very
intelligent and nuanced message. I can see why people were completely outraged
by it when it first came out, but I truly believe that it’s still one of the
most relevant films about teen sexuality ever made. It’s also a savage attack
on a society willing to abandon its young out of fatigue, apathy, or just plain
ennui.

Lesson learned? Cold medication enhances the movie-watching
experience. This is not an endorsement of sucking down a hit of Dimetapp and
tuning in on any given Tuesday-- I’m just sayin’ that if you happen to be stuck in bed with a nasty
cold and are self-medicating, well, it may be an opportune to time to queue up the
Nexflix.

Thanks, John! Your comment reminded me that at one point, I did want to be movie reviewer, when I was a teenager. I never followed through on that, but maybe one of these days...of course that would involve reviewing movies without the aid of cold medication, so I might not have as "fun" a perspective. ;)

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