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Sunday, April 15, 2012

I always try to be as honest as possible when i write....if i'm head over heals or hurting...i say so.
......and for that reason, i have yet to write Paloma's birthday post.

I want the post to be as beautiful and perfect as her party was, but how can i be true to myself if i am hurting.....and then writing about hurting makes me feel guilty. As if i am saying i love my girl less because yes, sometimes Down Syndrome makes my chest ache. And sometimes i feel as if this war i have waged against a chromosome is futile, and just denial outfitted in false strength....And if i openly say that i may be having a hard time. What does that say about my daughter? Or people like her? What does that say about me as a mama?

I want to have a beautiful year. I want to rejoice in my amazing daughters. I want to have less appointments and more days at the beach. I want to think less about Down Syndrome and more about Paloma. I want to wake up one day and not question, not once, if i did enough that day with Ava, or if i did enough therapy with Paloma..........or what the hell happened to April.

Because I am so very blessed, and like a friend told me in high school, and i think of it often....
"Don't wish it away Peg."