I am lovable! I wonder how many people genuinely feel this way? Not many I suspect. My journey to understand why I developed a neurotransmitter imbalance [Parkinson’s] led me to the realization that at the root of it, is the belief that I’m not lovable. It is an understandable conclusion.

Growing up, I was never told that I was loved. In fact, more often than not I heard the opposite, that I was bad. That I was a bad boy. Any positive feedback I received came in the form of praise for what I did rather than who I was. If I did well on my report card or if I had a good hockey game, I might receive praise, although, quite often even in this respect, I was more likely receive criticism. Why did you get a C in English? Why didn’t you score a goal on that play?

This isn’t an attempt to place blame or put myself in victimhood. It is simply the way it was. And from a spiritual perspective, I chose this journey, for reasons perhaps not fully understood at this time. Besides, the experiences that led me to conclude that I am not lovable are mild compared to what others have endured: abuse, abandonment, neglect and violence.

The belief that I’m not lovable led to a host of fears and addictions: fear of disappointing people, fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, addiction to pleasing people, addiction to accomplishment, addiction to winning. This in turn has led to a lot of anger, a lot of stress.

From a logical perspective, I have no proof that I’m not lovable. If anything, I have proof to the contrary. I’m loved by my family, by my children, by Mari and by many other people. But a belief of unlovability is not necessarily logical. In my case, it was the creation of an immature mind, the same mind that used to believe in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. The difference is, I was told that Santa Claus and the tooth fairy weren’t real, but I was never told that I wasn’t unlovable. And so I subconsciously held on to this belief.

The approach I need to take is similar to that of dealing with a child. The child would ask questions. Why didn’t mommy and daddy love me? They did love you, they just weren’t able to show it appropriately. Why? Perhaps because they were never shown love themselves. Or maybe it was because they didn’t feel good about themselves. It certainly wasn’t because they didn’t love you. Why do I feel so scared? Your thoughts made you feel scared when you were little and you were never taught to stop thinking those thoughts. You weren’t taught that you could stop feeling scared by changing your thoughts. You didn’t know you had a choice. What can I do now? The best thing you can do, the single best gift you can give yourself, is forgive! Forgiveness is liberation from suffering! Forgive your mommy and daddy because the reason they did what they did is because they weren’t living consciously and they didn’t feel good about themselves. They were doing the best they could with what they had learned. I can do that! I can forgive! It is also very important for you to be thankful. Your mommy and daddy have helped teach you a very important lesson even though they may not have done it on purpose. They taught you about lovability and how feeling unlovable can eventually make you sick. If you had grown up feeling lovable you might never have understood what it really means and you might not be able to teach it to others, just like the athlete who is unable to teach others the skills that come naturally to him. Maybe this experience was to enable you to teach others. I like that! Thank you!

Really good post Fred, same for me, this has been my unconscious belief system and is one of the underlying causes of why I became unwell. But I’m now realizing how loved I am and always will be, into Eternity. I am Good Enough. !!!