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When friends lie...

What would you do if you found out a dear and trusted friend (or so you thought!) blatantly lied to you? It wasn't life or death, just a favor you asked of them that they said they were doing while you were talking to them, that you then discover they never did. Do you confront them? Let it go and know that your friendship isn't what you thought it was? Never trust or believe them again?

I have a friend that lies so often she often contradicts herself. Once I realized that we became the kind of friends that just goes to lunch occasionally, instead of joined at the hip best buds. I don't think she can help herself really, turns out a lot of the lying is to cover up her alcoholism. I don't dislike her, but I don't trust her much and our relationship changed. It's up to you whether you want to bring it up or just keep it in mind that she might lie to you again.

Originally Posted by enjoytheride

That's got to be expensive, how much oil can you press out of a chipmunk?

Provided it really isn't a big thing, I'd wonder why they felt they had to fib about it rather than tell you they couldn't/didn't want to. When it's not a big thing, sometimes people tell white lies more because they don't want to deal with the other person's reaction to an honest "no."

A very good friend just pulled a stunt about a week ago and lied to me big time. Not life or death but professionally damaging in the process. New friend lied too! I don't lie but it is a lot of work. I find most people do and that is just the way it is. Reasons aside, most folks know when you are not being truthful so I have no idea why they do it.

“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”
? Albert Einstein

I tell my kids that trust is like a bank account. Your friend just made a HUGE withdrawal, perhaps even into the red zone. Perhaps she can build her account back up, perhaps not. But you might want to refrain from asking her another favor any time soon. It would be kind of like writing a check you're pretty sure will bounce.

I'm not sure if I will say something or not. I wouldn't have cared if they had said no to the favor, as I said, it wasn't life or death. I can't figure out if I am more disappointed in them or in myself for believing in them. Either way, I like downen's analogy... I think in this case the account is closed...

I'm not sure if I will say something or not. I wouldn't have cared if they had said no to the favor, as I said, it wasn't life or death. I can't figure out if I am more disappointed in them or in myself for believing in them. Either way, I like downen's analogy... I think in this case the account is closed...

IMO, it's only fair for the person to know why, whether the friendship continues or not. It's obviously not much a friendship if there's no effort on either side. If the account is closed, there's no risk with the confrontation either, basically stated the way you posted above. "I wouldn't have had a problem if the answer was no, but I think it's really shi*tty that you lied to me. Even if something changed and you couldn't do the favor, you should have just told me."

It is really hard to say without knowing what she did. I try to assume the best -- which in this case is probably that she had good intentions, probably even started the thing while talking to you, something intervened and she forgot. That's life. I would say something, though -- give her a chance to explain so you aren't holding a grudge for no reason.

I also would avoid "you lied to me" -- "you told me you would but you didn't, what happened?" is so much less drama queen.

I guess it depends what it was. For example, if you said "will you drive me to the airport?" and she said, "I'm doing it right now," I'd think she's off her rocker.

If you said, "will you go to my house and water my plants?" and she said, "I'm on my way" but really she wasn't, she may full well intend to but just be a little off her schedule but will for sure get to it.

Oh, but now I look back and see you wrote that she never did it. Hmmmm...I guess I might try to sort through her interpretation of what she was doing vs. your expectations. I don't know, it is hard to say without knowing specifics.

In any event, I'd likely not trust her with too much stuff in the future.

I catch people in lies all the time. I think people have a distorted sense of reality and maybe if they say something enough times then in their mind it does become the truth, I don't know.

I will say that I lie. Everyone lies. I lie when I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. For example, my friend asked if I could swing by and pick up her horse so we could trail ride together. I said no because I didn't trust my horse (gelding who can get studdy around mares) to be in the trailer with her horse (a mare). That was mostly true, but honestly I just didn't want to go get her because it was inconvenient for me and she's a cheapskate who has no problem letting others pay for stuff for her (gas money for a trailer ride) and I just didn't want to get into it.

If you look at it from her perspective, can you think of a reason why she lied about the situation?

After what happened to me, I'd probably not be friends with her anymore.

But then, I grew up with a parent who is a pathological liar. And since I moved out (12 years ago), she now lies about me, and people I have never met hate me. Her withdrawals from the Trust Account has caused her to file for bankruptcy, and she has no credit with me now. I don't even talk to her anymore after some stuff she pulled recently.

COTH's official mini-donk enabler

"I am all for reaching out, but in some situations it needs to be done with a rolled up news paper." Alagirl

I don't know if I'd say anything or not. I guess it would depend what it was. That's a tough one. If I did say something I would try to make it as nice as I could. Like, "I see you didn't do ... was there a problem?"

After what happened to me, I'd probably not be friends with her anymore.

But then, I grew up with a parent who is a pathological liar. And since I moved out (12 years ago), she now lies about me, and people I have never met hate me. Her withdrawals from the Trust Account has caused her to file for bankruptcy, and she has no credit with me now. I don't even talk to her anymore after some stuff she pulled recently.

Ugh, yep, I know one of those. I had a "friend" who spread a serious lie about me behind my back for two years (just found out about it recently) to cover his own ass and now my reputation is pretty darn tarnished within his group of friends. Not that it matters about the friends, really, it just hurts that someone you trusted could do that to you.

It is really hard to say without knowing what she did. I try to assume the best -- which in this case is probably that she had good intentions, probably even started the thing while talking to you, something intervened and she forgot. That's life. I would say something, though -- give her a chance to explain so you aren't holding a grudge for no reason.

I also would avoid "you lied to me" -- "you told me you would but you didn't, what happened?" is so much less drama queen.

It does depend on the circumstances. Did she do the thing she promised within a short time of your conversation? Was it something you asked her to do for you? Were you being unreasonably controlling over how and when she did the thing, calling repeatedly or giving instructions more detailed that the task would warrant? She may have chosen the passive option of lying to you to mollify you rather than provoking an argument, conflict, or criticism. Just some thoughts.

I agree with fordtraktor that you should pick your words when you confront her. Maybe let her know the damage her lie caused, something like, "You told me you had delivered the invitations to Sally, and she told my mother she didn't have them. Then my mother and I had an argument because I insisted that Sally had the invitations, and a lot of time was wasted with back and forth calls. Please don't ever do that to me again, it really caused me a huge headache."

She shouldn't have lied to you, but sometimes people do things for a reason.

I guess it would depend on what she lied about and the reason that she lied. Perhaps she was trying to avoid hurting your feelings or some similar reason. Personally I feel people lie alot about alot. Therefore I have very few friends I actually confide in or rely on. That way I avoid the disappointment that come with finding out that they have lied. I am social, polite and freindly, but I keep emotional distance from most people until I know them very very well.

I don't know why everybody gets so excited about being lied to. Everybody lies in one way or another--if we didn't, we'd be constantly at each other's throat. You lie for various reasons: to save somebody's feelings, to save your own, to get out of something, to not get in trouble, just because it's easier than telling the truth. If you expect to be lied to, you won't let it bother you so much.