March 2014

When spring slowly emerges from interminably dark, damp, winter days, it means two things; allergies and fashion. So I load up on Nasonex, Zyrtec®, and Prednisone, and obsessively peruse my favorite fashion apps and sites; chic feed, The Sartorialist, The Man Repeller, WWD. After hours of “research”, I’m ready to unleash my “Parisian It Girl”, street-chic-style. Drum roll please…

1) The accessory of the season is a door mat. I’m not kidding. If you don’t believe me, please look at this photo. It probably helps if it’s Chanel, but I’m thinking the old-school plastic grass with daisies will do. I’m curious if it’s de rigueur to drop the mat, and wipe your feet before entering the fashion show?

2) Join the Mickey Mouse club. Am I so fashion backward that I’m thinking this Mickey Mouse look is a little Goofy?

3) The frustration pencil headdress. The similarities here are uncanny. I would find it impossible to resist the temptation to shake this renowned fashionista violently to and fro, for maximum fluffy-head effect.

I’m also completely inspired, and gearing up for fall. This is what we can anticipate for 2014 fashions, when the leaves turn autumnal amber and crimson.

1) Linus is looking for his blanket. I admit, the over-sized sweater and sweater-pants look awfully cozy, but what happens when a rain storm hits? This blanket is going to weigh about 200 lbs.; soaking up water like a sponge. This poor model only weighs 95 lbs.

2) Call the veterinarian! This grizzly bear is crowning; and giving birth to a runway model cub. Oh dear, did I just go too far?

3) An unsung hero of Warner Brother’s Looney Tunes has his day in the sun. Forget lining up to meet Sarah Jessica Parker at your favorite department store, this year it’s all about Yosemite Sam.

Like this:

I have 16,252 messages in my inbox. Just the thought makes most people come unglued. I’ve never felt compelled to clean out my email. In fact, once I left the workforce in the early 2000’s, and was no longer tethered to a desk, and a computer, I took a hiatus from email.

Initially I was in email avoidance. I associated email with the physiological fight-or-flight response of caveman days. I just couldn’t shake the years of pulsating-vein-popping-up-in-my-forehead; put me in a rubber room kind of stress, generated from my inbox.

I never knew what was lurking. Bombardments of high priority emails from all directions; “You need to commission some market research on the website we are launching on Tuesday. We realize we forgot to do market research and our VP asked about it five minutes ago. Whatever you do, make sure it backs up the theme, direction and content we have developed.” Or, “We decided our group should have a presence at the trade show in Atlanta. It’s in four days. You need to beg the event planners for a space, get our booth together, produce a video (this was the 90’s), and create some genius marketing brochure to distribute. You’re flight arrangements have been made. Hopefully you can find a hotel.

Part of my initial reticence about personal email, was that it lacked the code of conduct embraced by companies. Before personal email was commonplace, it wasn’t unusual to end up on an endless string of “reply all” single word responses (“yes” or “no”). These could go on for weeks. There were also the people that used email for formal letter writing, with many paragraphs of superfluous banter.

The classic was the email “chain letter”. You remember those don’t you? “Please fill out this email questionnaire with only the most positive (yet truthful) answers, and forward to twenty people. If you do, you will have good luck, spirituality, good karma, and designer clothes for the rest of your life. If you break the chain, bad luck will befall you. You might lose your job, and home, contract leprosy, and get run over at a freeway onramp while you are begging for dollars.”

Eventually I recovered from PTSD from my work life. My inbox no longer expelled menacing, stressful messages. It became indispensable. Once I got an iPhone, it was easier to manage, although I much prefer the brevity of text. So why do I still have 16k emails in my inbox? When it comes down to it, I’m a digital hoarder…

Like this:

As usual, I did not see any of the Oscar nominated films except the Disney animated ones, but once again I predicted the winners in the major categories, this year with 100% accuracy. I admit that this year was an extremely predictable year for an industry that loves to predictably award itself. My formula is simple and takes into consideration Hollywood’s biases and inflated sense of importance. I then take the data, plug it into the quadratic equation and apply the Dewey Decimal system. Voila! Perfect accuracy for the categories people care about.

Best Actor in a Leading Role: Matthew McConaughey, “Dallas Buyers Club.” Hollywood loves it when a gorgeous and bankable actor loses or gains a lot of weight for a role and tries to look unattractive. For women they typically have to gain weight because if they lost weight, they would simply disappear. Think Charlize Theron in Monster. Christian Bale gained a lot of weight for “American Hustle”, so this would make him a contender as well, but AIDS always trumps congressional scandal, and the ulcerated face lesion McConaghey sported made him virtually unbeatable.

Best Actress in a Leading Role: Cate Blanchett, in “Blue Jasmine”. This one was less about applying my formula and more about process of elimination. I figured the Academy has finally tired of handing out Oscars to Meryl Streep and Judy Dench. Judy and Meryl probably don’t even bother to dust their statues anymore. Everything seemed to point to Cate Blanchett who is an extremely good actress and beautiful, and acceptance speeches sound much better with a lovely accent. I also didn’t think there was any risk of a backlash toward Woody Allen. Hollywood is the last bastion where pedophiles and sexual predators are still honored and protected if their body of work is considered to be of extremely high caliber.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Jared Leto, “Dallas Buyers Club.” Hollywood can’t resist the uplifting story of a prostitute dying of AIDS. Throw in transgender and it’s just unbeatable. Incidentally, Jared Leto didn’t intend to make a pro-life speech when he told the touching story of his unwed teenage mother. When asked later about his pro-life stance, he realized how offensive it must have been to his Hollywood peers. He quickly recanted his statement and said that his mom should have aborted him.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Lupita Nyong’o, “12 Years a Slave”. Gut wrenching performance, and she is a beautiful newcomer. Incidentally I thought her speech was hands down the best of the evening.

Best Picture: ”12 Years a Slave”; Hollywood loves an epic about the triumph of the human will. Quite frankly, I do too, and I like seeing Hollywood do what it does best. I sincerely hope they never give up on this genre. By all accounts this was an emotionally draining and extremely moving story. The cynic in me must also acknowledge how much Hollywood jumps at the chance to congratulate themselves on confronting racism, so that certainly didn’t hurt the film’s odds.

I thought Ellen was funny and refreshing. My son asked how they choose the host, and I explained they should be funny but not offensive to any of the special people in the audience that don’t want their feelings hurt.

I loved the appearance of the “Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come”, Kim Novak. Hollywood, heed thy warning, and be judicious with thy plastic surgery. I’m not going to mention how fast Mathew wanted to get off that stage, nor the irony of the winning movie’s title, “Frozen”.

Speaking of frozen face, my friend who was watching the Oscars with me had a great idea. She suggested the Special Effects category should be adapted to award the best plastic surgery. We decided to award the grotesque vs. the restrained. Kim, Goldie, Liza, yes, you are nominees. While presenting, not only did Goldie have that just rolled out of bed look but she seemed groggy. I think she must be on pain killers, because clearly her face hurts.

Leonardo, if you want to win an Oscar, you know what you have to do. No more pretty-boy characters who’ve amassed great wealth and are living the fine life of Gatsby, Howard Hughes, or Jordan Belfort. Gain or lose 100 pounds and find a role depicting someone filthy and penurious.You’ve got to get raw and gritty. Coke is too highbrow, buddy. Smoke crack! If you need a weight gain coach, I’m your gal. If you need a new agent, I’m up for that job as well; I have plenty of time in between my daily naps.