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Monday, 14 June 2010

Doctor Who,Telly and the World Cup finally started Blitzkrieg style

Last few days have a been a steady diet of home-made chicken pies, muffins, spicy ramen noodles and gallons and gallons of tea. interspersed with grudging bits of sleep in between football matches and blog posts. Since the World Cup kicked off on Friday,we have had 8 matches. Some deeply disappointing , some mildly exciting and one that was personally embarrassing and stressful and another that was the entire reason the World Cup is held in the first place. You can guess which one caused me no end of shame, the reason I do mention it is because my computer gadgee is an Algerian gentleman of cheery but competitive disposition. I was going to go in and act a bit smug and vastly superior , but Rob Green robbed me of that and kept me from picking up my speakers by a few days. That is until today. Algeria also had a goal keeper malfunction very nearly as bad as we did. While not as over the top as our slow motion horror show, it was sufficient to allow me the dignity and the face, to go to his shop tomorrow and not look a complete twat. Well have a bit of friendly sparing about just who was more rubbish and we move on to more important things.

And that folks is Germany. The young ,supposedly underrated side, claimed it would show no mercy and the world took little notice. Poor delusional fools, how were a bunch of kids and a few veterans going to steam roller all before them? I never doubted their resolve or ability for a minute. What was fun , was for the first time since the dung beetle helped declare the games open, we saw a proper football match. A master class in how to pass, defend, scatter your opponents and most importantly to score. it ended 4-0. But you already knew that, what you need to realize is this, Germany are the first team to say we are here to win. None of this playing for as long as we can but being happy to last till some big club takes us out. They ARE the big club that will take out a great number of sides before they are done. They let every striker loose and each one scored a goal at the first time of asking. The only question is will they meet another immovable force or will they cruise all the way to the final? As for my Australian friends, and they are numerous, you didn't play badly, you were just unlucky enough to be the first team to be mauled by the latest panzer division of New German shock footballers. A word about them later , but back to Australia for now.

The Socceroos have climbed higher and higher in the estimation of the footballing world every year, the quality and number of pro football teams increases with every new franchise that takes root across the country. You even call it football. If past experience is anything to go by, Australia will in 5 to 10 years be as good as England is today, and on present form , that's not saying much . Yes you too will limp from international embarrassment to international embarrassed while your individual players carve an ever larger place in the twice yearly meat market known as the transfer window. Sure Germany spanked you 4-0, you were crushed like bugs, but at least you know there was little you could do about it. We on the other hand , had lots of warning and time to fix what we needed to fix. The fact we still managed to yet again make a shambles of our opening match is entirely down to our FA and our top flight that prefers flashy ready made players and refuses to figure out just why it is we don't seem to be able to grow players content to be great goal keepers. Next world cup we'll both be there , but I won't be so sure about Australia being the patsy it was today, while we stay fatally attracted to what my mate Colin Ayton calls

The four horsemen of England's World Cup Apocalypse,
Calamity - Which ever goalkeepers is.
Petulance - When Rooney inevitably flips and gets send off.
Frustration - Watching Heskey miss 2 sitters a game which Bent would have flicked in.
Penalty - As we inevitably go out on. ...

And on that note, Back to our German mates. For the first time I wasn't bored when half time came and I wasn't aware of the passage of time. It was like going to see The Stones or ACDC, I could have watched all day. Good thing it's only 90 minute though , wouldn't have been fair on the Aussies would it? The Germans represent the new Europe. Increasingly,more and more European sides boast a naturalized Brazilian, an Ivorian or some Turk. Germany has three brilliant Polish players, without them they would be that much weaker. In fact if we take a closer look at the Soceroos, there is a good number of Italians, Poles, Turks and assorted other immigrants. If we just keep the fascists at bay, this is the future world, a good world . The difference is that the German top flight develops the best that much better and they also make room for citizens over greater amounts of expensive imports. A lesson we can all learn from.

About those horns....The top organisation boffin person thingy said he would consider banning the killer bees if enough people complained. Here's your chance, for the sake of all the people going deaf and getting migraines, to send an e-mail and tell them to ban those things NOW . Send your firm but polite email HERE .
I don't think I can take three more weeks of that. Let's have our singing sections back please.We can't hear ourselves, we can't hear the chants or the bands . One last chance to send that e-mail to... savemyears@enoughalready or direct to FIFA .

So what's more sad than a bunch of pasty faced Doctor Who nerds in a private thread? Why it's the same nerds talking football for 6 hours a day till the final. We wouldn't be doing it if we weren't having fun and the nasty bullies hadn't stolen our bicycles. I wouldn't have it any other way to be honest.. Tomorrow we get to do bad puns based on Italy Holland and the other nations playing. You try finding ways to fit Ghana into a sentence without resorting to broad Geordie or Scots?

Now hard to believe , but there was more gannin on this week than football. Doctor Who aired the next to penultimate episode of the current series. The Lodger was writen and performed in the fashion of a buddy sitcom adventure. Slightly dull fat guy fancies the hell out of a pretty girl who won't make the first move but wishes the shlemiel did. Doctor arrives and in the grand tradition of Cyrano De Bergerac brings the lovers together, but not before Corden gets jealous and crazy and the girl played by Daisy Haggard, wonders if the Doctor wouldn't be a better catch if Craig wimps out. I forgot a bit.... yeah , there's this room upstairs that keeps swallowing strangers. This same room is keeping the Tardis from landing.... I personally think it's the Master, we never do find out but we do get to see some of the best footie moves not on the pitch in South Africa. Read ,the last blog to find out about number 11 aka Matt Smith. James Corden professional annoying man is actually good in this peice, but then he would be yeah , as he has a script. James Corden is not a comedian, he is not a writer. He is an actor, and his best material was left behind at Gavin and Stacey. If you can watch the post match Corden special every night on ITV, don't . Here's a sample of the dialogue as collected by a brave volunteer

Woo hoo! Wooooooo !

CORDEN : (to Gordon Banks) Gordon, is it true that England drew their first match in 1966?

GORDON : Yes, it's true, we DID draw 1-1 against Uruguay. But we went on to win in 1966 - Geoff Hurst scored a hat-trick.

CROWD & CORDEN : Woo! Hoo! Wooooooooo! Come on, England! Woooo!

SIMON COWELL : Gordon, hi, it's Simon...Gordon, I hope I'm not being rude, but...is it true that we, England, drew our first match in 1966? But we went on to win the tournament that year...? Didn't we? That is, England?

GORDON : Simon, we drew our first match in 1966, and there was a lot of criticism in the press, but we went on to win the World Cup that year - in 1966 - with Geoff Hurst scoring a hat-trick in the final against Germany.

KATY PERRY : (giggles) If I say I didn't support Eng-- er, I mean Yoo Ess Ay, they'll KILL me in the American press! Russell's got a clause in his filming contract - if England get to the finals (sic) like they did in 1966, when Geoff Hurst scored a hit-truck - Woo! Wooooo! Yeah!! - Eat my t1tz! - then we're getting married and Russell will referee the final!

CORDEN : FANTASTIC! Come on England. I wanna see that! You guys are great! Woooo hoooo!!

Pretty much summed up the 2 mins I saw...

Thanks Mate, we owe you a debt of gratitude.

Not forgetting Corden's new wing man Dizzy Rascal who shouted at us in an earlier post, he has promised to quit the music business if England win the World Cup. Now I know what I said just now, but if Dizzy Rascal will go away and take Corden with him, I would be forced to reconsider my support for Germany. Come on England, do it for the music industry if not your pride.

Those of you familiar with this blog will know we are avid Coronation Street fans that have just returned to watching. As predicted, the strange blending of dialogue from one scene to the next has stopped and the fingerprints of the new producer , ex Who alumnus Phil Collison are becoming more and more apparent. Much of the legacy of Kim Crowther is being swept aside. Her unnecessarily confrontational story lines and constant shouting are slipping away like the drunk uncle who knows he's overstayed his welcome. On the first full day of control , we counted 10 jokes in three minutes , where there had been only grim faces and imminent violence for months . You could feel the street returning to normal like after a particularly nasty curry had finally been shat out from the night before. I won't keep you in suspense any longer than you need to be. Nobody important died in the fire at Underworld, Gail Platt was found innocent, Tracy Barlow got the stuffing beat out of her and sent back to Hell, Carla is off with her bin man to South Africa for the World Cup, Maria has gone to Ireland with bairn and no clear return date as far as we know, and no cast member has been sacked.. We can assume from this , as a worst case scenario, sexy but dull Maria is gone forever , Carla may or may not return, as for the bin man, I won't miss him if he decides to stay in Johannesburg.

Life goes on, I have a football match in about 8 hours and I still need to sleep. Catch you tomorrow and may the footie Gods shine their mighty countenance on your team and not make monkeys out of them.