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Saturday, May 27, 2017

In Which I Advise Trump's Advisors

I think I may have touched on this story a couple of days ago, but I wanted to point something out to the members of Trump's brain (I use the word loosely) trust that are purportedly assembling a "war room" to combat negative messaging about the White House, particularly about #TrumpRussia:

Jared Kushner, a senior adviser to Trump, will be involved in the new strategic messaging operation, as will Steve Bannon, another top adviser who specializes in managing Trump’s populist appeal and shaping his political image, the sources said. Bannon and Trump’s chief of staff, Reince Priebus, have been laying the groundwork for the plan this week, they added.

On Thursday, NBC News and the Washington Post reported that Kushner, who held several meetings with Russian officials following the election, is a focus of the probe, making him the first current White House official to be caught up in it, although Kushner, who is Trump’s son-in-law, has not been accused of any wrongdoing.

Corey Lewandowski, Trump’s former campaign manager, is also expected to be part of the effort. Lewandowski, who has been seen in the White House recently, could join the administration as early as next week, a source close to him said.

First of all, we all know that the second paragraph was proven wrong just two hours after this article hit the internet.

Second, Jared, Steve, Reince, and Corey, please let me level with you. You're not exactly a dream team. In fact, you really suck at most of this stuff. From the same article:

Lewandowski was fired by Trump in June 2016 over concerns that he was not experienced enough to oversee the general election fight against Democrat Hillary Clinton, but has remained a trusted adviser to Trump and a steadfast defender of the president on news programs.

Your only positive quality, apparently, is a slavish loyalty to a wannabe C-list autocrat. Unending subjectivity ain't a wonderful quality in a strategist.

Mr. Bannon, you lucked into some moneyand you appear to know how to appeal to neo-Nazis and other deplorables, but that's not the audience you need to convince right now. Other than that, your main talent is being a fat slob. (Steve M. at No More Mister Nice blog has more to say about this).

You think you're hot shit because Daddy Vladdy scooped you up in his talons and deposited you on the top of the mountain, but you have no idea how to climb down without skewering your dumb asses on the rocks below. I guess my advice isn't really to the four of you; you're stuck up there waiting for a few more leaks before the authorities bring their chopper and fly you straight to Leavenworth (or the rich white dudes' equivalent), no matter what you do, so have fun jerking each other off to entertain yourselves while you wait.

But to everyone who works under these guys, unless you've been secretly given immunity by the FBI because you're one of the leakers from inside the White House, jump off that sinking vessel quickly. Those four winners-so-much-your-heads-spinners are armed with cannons that they're most likely going to end up firing through each other and into the engine room of the ship:

Kushner is a perfect fall guy. Bannon's glad to blame a Jew, Priebus is glad to blame an outsider, and Trump would love Ivanka to be single.

Take every mention of this job out of your bio and your resume; I guarantee it'll look better to have a six month gap where it looks like you were unemployed than to have the urine-soaked regime associated with your names. Better yet, maybe you should legally change your names, just in case. Can't be too careful when it comes to being tied to the biggest clusterfuck that ever clustered or fucked.

There's a solid chance that this whole affair ends badly for everyone, but a near-lock guarantee that it'll end badly for any remaining residents of Trumpville. So please, do yourself a favor and leave before you're condemned to living under a bridge, or working at Fox News, which is pretty much the same thing these days.