SO yesterday I did the body bum work out thing… it hurt and burned a bit! Felt pretty good though. I’m definitely taking those squats and lunges and adding it into a warm up routine!

Today, the hubby and I have been out for lunch with the family, so my day has been taken up socialising in the sunshine and eating lovely food with sweet company. Which means I don’t have much time to ‘do’ anything else.

Obviously I’m sat on my sofa playing some games and talking with friends and watching Saturday night television!! But I wanted to add a pin today that I could still do.

I’ve decided that today should be about mental wellbeing… Nothing drastic like Yoga in 16 awkward positions whilst breathing through your nose and humming, but something simple to get me away from it all!

So here it is:

Simple.

I’m going to go make a cup of tea now.

I have a book about the perils of running a friend lent me that I really haven’t finished yet that I should really aim to. So tonight I’m going to make a dent in it.

10:30 pm will be my ‘up to bed’ time. I’ve got to make sure I step away, get into my PJs and put some chill music on and read for a bit. Even just one chapter! God I miss reading…

I know It’s silly to say, but I won’t read books that are in the middle of a film or TV series. It’s like I’ve got to stick to one medium?

I’m still reading Lord of the Rings… THAT’S a hard book to get through, very detailed and good, but its very hard to get into properly.

In fact… here’s a list of books:

Lord of the Rings – reading, hard to finish

Body Book – Cameron Diaz autobiography. Easy reading, could finish in an afternoon

The Hunger Games (Trilogy) – Need to wait for the films to finish, then I will be all over these!

Sense and Sensibility – TRYING to read this, but the style is strange for me!

Pride and Prejudice – Can’t wait to start on this!

Little House (all the stories!) – I have to read these again.

Anne of Green Gables – same here, I have to read them again, to take the full story in as I just cant remember it properly

A Year of Losing the Dating Game – someone from school has written a book… I feel I should read it as it does sound hilarious!

Anyway… One day when I have a nice big bay window that I can sit in with the tv on and lots of pillows, I can read. Or in my big big garden.. A girl can dream?

So, whilst I was out on my club run tonight, I got about a mile and a half in and I was getting a bit down. I was dead last in a group id never run with before, I was slower than all of them by at least a minute and I considered dropping out every errrr 16 paces?

But then I started thinking about all those ‘motivational memes’ and images you see on Pinterest, and you pin thinking “hell yeah that’s gonna be me!” When in reality, you get to the front door, start the car and question why you insist on doing this to yourself… Those memes.

Seriously, I was cursing them all in my head. I was like “fuck off I know I can grow babies but 13.1 miles will still hurt like anything” and then I decided to make my own achievements up.

This kinda links with gratitude here – bare with me!

So people stay motivated in different ways. I like showing off that I just destroyed 4 miles. Even if I hated every second of it, hitting that share button to 3 social media sites in one go is like my justification. I did it, what did you do? All that stuffs.

I think my first ever achievement was getting out the door. Cheesey I know, but seriously, finding a place for your keys, setting that app up and fiddling with your music till you find that right song… And bam. Achievement unlocked and you’re out the door!

I started to remember all the little goals I set myself: “Get to 1km” “round your running to 10mins” “why stop you’re over halfway!” It made me smile on the cold run from hell in the scary group.

Before I knew it we were 2.5 miles in, and I was starting to be happier with my achievements. I realised all my sharing and showing off may appear self centred and irritating to some, but I know to me, that I was finally saying “look I did it, I said I would”. Whether that is a stick it to the masses or what I don’t know. But I’m glad I do it!

It makes me grateful for my friends and family, they put up with my moaning and groaning and my “I ran 4 miles last night I’m gonna hurt today” and the best “I wish I could foam roller it all out in the office”. The latter because apparently it’s poor form to ask people to rub you down! Who knew. I don’t get judged, and sometimes I even get a well done. Which at least means they read my posts every now and then!!

My poor husband has had to deal with my drippy head, post run coughs and the large amount of smelly running gear that gets washed. But he does get to watch me stretch it out when I get home. Which I totally don’t play up to…

I was thinking all of this when suddenly I was on the home stretch. The tail runner who was with me had a Garmin that beeped for 4 miles and I was done. I felt good after a quick shake off, and say in the car getting my breath back whilst I uploaded all my info to facebook.

Because how would you know I was running if I didn’t tell you?

Tomorrow I’m going to not feel like having a panic attack and appreciate what I did tonight.

O you’re here reading? Fair enough, I’ll enlighten you on a few things:

Charlie is starting a masters in Milton Keynes in October, I’m starting it the year later [YAY]

We have to move to Milton Keynes between now and October [EASY]

We are getting married in August [YAY]

Honeymoon in September [YAY]

Need to find a new job [NO BIGGIE]

We have to move out of this flat by June 21st [OK THATS MANAGEABLE]

Our invite RSVP deadline is June 21st [FORWARD IT YOU IDIOT]

Charlie finishes his current course on June 21st [OK..]

Nowhere in Cheltenham does a 12 week let that isn’t a holiday let or a bedsit [AWKWARD]

It’s currently 7 weeks till we have to move out [GETTING CLOSE]

We have to move out on a Friday [ARGH]

All of this would be fine if our landlords weren’t the worst organisation on the planet. They are not registered with any governing body, nor do they seem to understand that people live in the flat, hence it may not be in ‘pristine conditiong’ upon inspection. All their staff are miserable with horrific customer service/relation skills. As soon as we get our instructions for never having to talk to the poor excuse for a letting agent, they will be getting a complaint. I don’t care that we have to move out, it’s the owners decision to want to sell on. But we have been patronised and bullied to the point that I got ill I was so stressed out.

Apparently forgetting to hoover and using the toilet is grounds for them to inspect us again? UGH. Now wonder there were no agency fees, I would feel sick having to pay for any of their services.

Most of the wedding stuff is now organised! It is literally just minor details, and paying! We are getting RSVPs in and all is well 🙂 I have just found out as well that I can get ready at the venue, which is a massive load off my mind!

It is just our living arrangements now, if I had a job we would just move to MK sooner, but interviews/applications and everything take time.

In terms of my #RunIntoOrbit year challenge that is 33.75 miles into it. 222-33.75= 188.25 miles to go!

Quite excited actually now because I have just finished my first full training plan, the aim? Simple really, run for 30 minutes.

I managed this at my second Park Run, 5km in 37 mins. Not a world record and nowhere near the 30 mins I wanted to actually run it in, but I didn’t stop. I just kept going! I hurt and was muddy and disgusting afterwards but I did it. That was my personal best!

What else in my world?

Well as you can probably tell, the blog hasn’t really been re organised. But I figured, as it is MY blog, I can talk about whatever rubbish I want. So, here is an update on well, things I give a little bit of crap about:

GYM – started a new Army training program, starting at level 2 as level 1 ie effectively getting you to a point where you can run for 30 mins.. O look i’ve done that one!

WEIGHT/DIET – joined weight watchers. Let’s hope the motivation of paying for resources helps me out! Their website is a load of crap though, looks like one of those sites you get when you Google dodgy diets! but the resources are alright, it’s not designed for people who do real exercise, like say, cross training or exercise classes, or strength training. It truely is designed for older people who have done little exercise in their lifetime. I won’t get started on their mobile app. But it is making me think differently about what I eat! i seriously just got stuck at like the 80kg mark (those who see me won’t think this, I’m not a skinny runt but I’m not obese either) I just don’t know where it is sticking, but I have lost 1.5kg on Weight Watchers so far, So I guess that’s some progress?

F1 – Ah F1, so much has changed since testing! Due to recent events I can’t muster the strength and will power to discuss it at the moment. Again, like the past 4 years, I want Mark Webber to win the Drivers Title, I will put him down to win every race in my fantasy F1 team. Through torment and unfortunate Podium outburts. Unfortunately I am in a position where I can’t comment on anything unless I fancy having my head bitten off, called a hypocrite, or be accused of calling someone else a hypocrite (For the record now, I’m just glad that my lovely readers – who probably follow me on twitter – are as fed up of as I am, and hence we are looking forward to China!). O did you see Alonso go off? Made me chuckle. What made me chuckle more? This Tweet.

WEDDING – ahhh last but no means least! Still to sort most of the paying bits, and the car/rings/MotB presents and the DJ list but things are looking up! Sorted ourselves out with a highly recommended photographer (Chelsea Hopkins) and the invites are all well on their way out. I have a dress fitting in early June, as well as trial hair appointments and stufffff 🙂 It’s all coming together, all be it, I will be happier when we start paying for things and Charlie says he has got his groomsman stuff ready! Then after the wedding (I have no idea what will be happening on the night, would quite like my own bed!) it’s a 3 week wait till we jet off to Lanzarote on a 2 week all inclusive trip! There will even be mini golf. YES.

I think that is me done for now. I will be blogging about what I want in the future now! Which means I WANT A NICE FRIENDLY RACE IN CHINA TO TALK ABOUT obvs one with awesome racing though 🙂

Anyhoo, check out http://cinemail.wordpress.com/ in the near future for a different take on film reviews. [A little off topic I know, but then again this blog hasn’t exactly had a topic since 2008 when I started it.]

Those who have suffered panic attacks will know where I come from in the following blog post. I hope those who don’t know what it’s like read the following and gain an understanding of what we have to go through.

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I was on the final day off on my withdrawal programme for my tablets, which is one day on, two days off, I had been feeling a bit twitchy all day – suffering minor spasms which make my tummy knot up for about a second before relaxing out again, however I wasn’t feeling ‘right’.

It got to the evening and I was moody, my moods are all over the place when I am not on my tablets, and poor Charlie gets the brunt of it as I hold off it all at work. The Olympics were playing their ‘inspirational stories’ as it was the Sunday of the closing ceremony, something, I don’t know what, set me off, and I just went into our room to calm down, cry a bit, recover and to just have some alone time.

Unfortunately this didn’t happen.

I sat on the edge of the bed and could feel tears coming down my face, except I couldn’t. It’s hard to explain but the best way I can is that I was just numb, emotionally I couldn’t understand why I was numb, physiically I could feel everything, but it was like their was a blanket wrapped around me, I could feel the pressure, but nothing else. The only way I thought I could snap myself out of it was slapping myself across the face, a reasonable thought as this is what happens in TV shows.

What happened next I wasn’t expecting, I got angry.

I felt like I wanted to punch something, So I did. I punched my chest of drawers, and for 10 fleeting seconds it was like reality hit. I could sense things feel things again. My heart was still racing and after these 10 seconds I started getting the twitchy feelings again, and my hands started to curl and cramp and the blanket swept over me again.

It was all these noises and me sobbing that caused Charlie to come in. Supportive as ever, I just couldn’t explain what I was (or in this case wasn’t feeling) So I snapped out, but instead of a slap across my face It was my own fist that hit the side of my face, it made my ears ring I hit that hard.

Charlie acted instinctively and held my arms above my head, looking horrified. How could I do that to myself? Looking back I can’t imagine doing that to myself. I just cried. I buried my face into him and tried to scream, but I couldn’t. I just screached out hot air. not even making a noise.

I continued until my twitching stopped, and all I could do was cry. I got up and Charlie took me to the sofa, I played a mine numbing game on his phone until i felt my heart rate coming down.

This was the worst episode I think I have had. I wasn’t sick or felt sick, I wanted to hurt myself.

Would you call it hurting yourself? I was trying to feel again, trying to get through this invisible blanket surrounding me, stopping me from having any of my senses.

It freaked me out, and since I am off on holiday next week I am even more freaked out it will happen there, which when you suffer with anxiety disorders, the worst thing that can happen is being anxious about being anxious. I just have to stick it out. I want to come off the tablets, and I am getting better, I honestly don’t know what happened.

The end of the Olympics has arrived, have you been inspired? Do you now have a role model worthy of recognition?

I have already spoken out to say that I have been inspired to “Keep calm and carry on”, to keep up with my goal to run 5k in half an hour, to get healthy and fit.

This week has been a continuing progress, Charlie and I have stuck to our running routine, and I have hit 3 days this week where I have had less than 1500 calories in a day.

Next week is the final week before the holiday! Which means I will be away for the next weigh in, but I shall post on Friday evening, and weigh in then to still plot on my graph. Tomorrow is the third weigh in of this dieting attempt. Where there will be another graph to look at.

So as Chariots of fire plays on and on again (as it will be stuck in our heads for months to come) What’s your slow motion moment going to be? Mine will hopefully be me getting to 5km in less than 30 mins….. I hope you all share you slow motion moments as well!

As I said yesterday, today was weigh in day. I weigh a glorious over achieving 11st 11lbs. I over achieve when it comes to retaining weight you see.

I have decided to put up the weights of F1 drivers and compare myself to them, I’ve only put a couple up at the moment, but each one is a separate goal. I don’t think I will get down to 127lbs, that of Kamui Kobayashi! But a shot at Heikki Kovalinen (141) is a better option.

As you can see I match that of the manly chiseled jaw of Mark Webber, who shares his weight with Vitaly Petrov. (Paul Di Resta takes the heaviest weight of 172lbs!), my next goal is Nico Hulkenberg, at 163lbs, it’s only a 2lb drop from my current weight, but I’m sure it will still be a challenge!

Here is the graph:

Running went well today, 2 mins run, 2 mins walk, produced a Nike+ graph that looks like this:

Very smooth don’t you think? I was the pace setter for this, which was good! Charlie got a good ‘view’ and I could just run without feeling like I had to catch up. The last interval seems quicker just because I was taking smaller steps quicker, and Nike+ works by measuring the impacts of your feet.

Still pretty consistent. According to runkeeper Charlie and I ran the second 2min the quickest at 9min/miles. I think I will take pace information from Runkeeper, but average pace from Nike, or something like that!

Anyway, today has been good, and going for the 30min 5k is getting slowly closer!

Now, as I suffer from Panic disorder, something which I have spoken about before – think depression, but more intense spouts of panic and anxiety instead, for no reason – and something I think I will continue to speak openly on this blog about.

This did infact send me into one of those sinking feelings, and reading through I was skeptical. Are the percentages in context? Is this from a reputable source?

Dr Tom Russ said: “The fact that an increased risk of mortality was evident, even at low levels of psychological distress, should prompt research into whether treatment of these very common, minor symptoms can modify this increased risk of death.”

I did a huge google search of a Dr Tom Rush and have discovered he is who he says he is in the video clip so I would say the source is confirmed, however since I don’t subscribe to the British Medical Journal, I can’t check the paper for more detail.

Should I be worried? Well, considering the risk of a premature death is increased by 16% – 67% (lowest level of stress to highest) I would put myself at 25% more likely, as I only have attacks when I’m off my tablets, and I don’t care what the doctor says, Charlie can tell, and I can feel it when I have forgotten my Citalopram, I become more snappy and stressed.

But being 25% closer to death when the age we are living to is an ever increasing number isn’t that scary. I’d be quite happy to make it to 80.

This does start to make me question whether I should come off my Citalopram, since I had my first prescription I have since halved my dosage (over 4 years), and the doctor now thinks I should come off it. But if I come off it and become more stressed and anxious, then wouldn’t that just be an increase on the risk of my early demise?

If the BBC article is to be taken literally, then the work I have done to bring my life back to normality and to work my way off the tablets and learn to cope with the increased stress and anxiety will not be worth it. I don’t want an increased level in stress or anxiety, it can totally ruin you. Nights out? You can get wound up by just being in the room with lots of people. Have guests coming round? Just the thought of entertaining and everything having to be perfect can send you over the edge, especially when it doesn’t all go to plan (eg under-cooked veg can upset you). Taking exams? – Forget the 2:1 you promised yourself, the inner battle you have to face to just to calm your brain down to retain the information is hard enough, a battle I wish I hadn’t tried to fight alone.

Not talking about it is one of the bigger battles. Everyone wonders what’s wrong, and all they can see is you struggling, and after a while it’s all they expect of you. I wish I had told Uni about it because then I could have got more help. Even though at the time I thought I was getting the best care from my GP (the best GP I have ever had!).

Thankfully I have Charlie now, he thinks I should try and come off the tablets, One day on Two days off then less.

I’m still not sure if I should be putting myself through this stress, especially as I snap at the smallest thing and then get even more anxious and unnecessarily stressed at the thought that I am driving him away. I’m kind of stuck as to where to go now, follow my GPs instructions? Or follow my body rejecting withdrawal and the drive to my early demise and just keep on the tablets, which seem to be keeping my sanity and emotions in check..