Crash.net can exclusively reveal the secret behind Red Bull Racing's dominance of F1 in recent years – only it's not just one secret.

A special investigation that we have carried out since the F1 2011 curtain-raising Australian Grand Prix in Melbourne last weekend has culminated in an extraordinary discovery – with the Milton Keynes-based squad having pioneered no fewer than three innovations to keep it consistently ahead of the game.

Suspicions were first aroused when it emerged that Red Bull's fuel bill was considerably lower than that of the other teams – and when we say lower, we mean non-existent. Further queries were raised when an RBR mechanic was seen swigging from the fuel hose – and a sample surreptitiously taken from the 'fuel' in the dead of night Down Under has since confirmed that the mixture going into the cars of Sebastian Vettel and Mark Webber is, indeed, none other than the energy drink that the pair are promoting at high-speed. Well, they do say it gives you wings.

But that's not all – oh no, far from it. We can also disclose that the team is feeding a special high-performance 'air mix' to its drivers, stored in the drinks bottle and dispensed to them via a hidden double-drink-straw during races, increasing their reaction times and concentration to beyond ordinary human levels. Apparently, Webber prefers Aussie BBQ flavour and Vettel Sauerkraut – but those reports, we must stress, are unconfirmed.

In a related development, finally, the lid has similarly been lifted on the RB6 and RB7's much-disputed low ride-heights. The team is running top-secret air additives in the tyres which – in an example of reverse 'cake-engineering' – cause them to shrink rather than rise with heat, keeping the car high when off-track and low at racing speeds. This has been developed by the crack Red Bull R&D catering department.

When the discoveries were put to the two drivers, a shifty-looking Webber responded by exclaiming, 'Strewth mate, I don't know what you've been smoking there,' before pulling us to one side and whispering 'I'll tell you everything at the end of the season when I'm gone'. Defending F1 World Champion Vettel, meanwhile, simply looked shocked and shouted 'Gott in Himmel!' before running off yelling 'Achtung, achtung, help me Uncle Helmut, help me!'

“Vot rubbish – utter rubbish!” blasted Red Bull motorsport advisor Dr. Helmut Marko as he comforted a visibly distraught Vettel. “Ve completely deny everysink you have accused us of – and in any case, all of ze go-faster gear is only on Baby Sebbi's car.”

Rivals, however, are unconvinced by RBR's protestations of innocence, with Ferrari's Felipe Massa a particular sceptic, telling us: “For sure, they are doing something, for sure. Rob [Smedley – race engineer] tells me every race on the radio, 'Felipe baby, Red Bull are playing, how does he say it...ah yes, playing silly buggers again', so for sure, yes, something is not right, for sure.”

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Excuse me while I vomit!!! Sorry Crash, but please sack Captain Dunderklumpen from writing your material. I know he has been trying for a comedy gig for some time but no one until now has published his material.