Now listen up bubbalas, you would think that being nailed by the Omnipotent Jehovah would have been the thrill of my life. Well I’m here to tell you, not so much. Oye. Truth be told, the whole immaculate conception experience was terribly overrated.

God’s schmeckle must be puny because I didn’t feel a thing. There was no foreplay, no fondling of the breasts, no licking my loch, no divine sweet nothings whispered in my ear, no nothing. Just schtup, schtup, schtup and “see you ’round the stable, Mary.” Typical man.

God didn’t even have the common courtesy of telling me Himself that I was knocked up. He sent one of His angels, Gladys, to break the news. I was heartbroken.

A single mother indeed! I’ll tell you something else. Although I was quite the looker in those days (good skin, long brown hair, great tits), I was only 13. That’s right, God is a sexual predator. Imagine, He could have picked any woman in the world to carryHis Son, and that schmoiger chooses a 13-year-old girl. That meshugeneh God has got some chutzpah!

Jesus was an ugly baby.

So 8 and a half months later, there I was, full-blown and ready to plotz, when Joseph makes me schlep all the way to Bethlehem just to be counted in some fakakta census. What, they couldn’t make an exception for one pregnant girl? Oye! That Joseph, what a schmendrick he was!

So when we get there, do you think God had any of his angels call ahead to reserve us a room? Oh no, that shmageggi let me give birth to His faygala Son in some schlocky barn full of donkey dreck. Feh!

And who does he send to meet us there? These three fershtinkiners bearing worthless gifts of frankincense, myrrh, and more myrrh. Oye gevalt. And don’t believe that dreck that one of the kings brought us gelt either. Those greedy goys didn’t even bring me any water or at least something to nosh. Now that I could’ve used!

So what was supposed to be a mitzvah ended up getting all fakakta, and all because God is such a cheap schvantz-sucker. Oye gevalt! I hate that schmuck. If it’s not too much trouble, I suggest you all stop praying to him and pray to me instead. I’m a good Jewish mother, and a much better parent than God. You want some matza-ball soup? Eat! Eat! You’re skin and bones!

About that census thing. Censuses weren’t really done that way, so that kind of gives away the whole thing as a big sloppy yarn you’ve been getting away with for two thousand years, doesn’t it? I mean, damn, couldn’t you have thought of something more believable? And then getting God to cover for your infidelities! And then pretending to be all gentle and Catholic. Sheesh, what a con artist. I dunno what He sees in you, but I think it’s a pretty bush-league scam, myself.

That doesn’t seem right. I believe we’re supposed to capitalize for Jesus too.

Mary,

That is no excuse, sorry. Way back when You were impregnated, it was common for 13 year olds to have sexual experience. You should have been better and then God wouldn’t have done You the way He done You. It’s always the woman’s fault.

A question, though, for God: did you help co-write Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobious Pip’s “A Letter From God To Man”? Cause it says it’s from you, and it is kind of angry-sounding. If you did co-write, you need to get on the remix of that and spit some hot fire.

Just don’t start in with me, alright? And don’t mention that brassy tart Magdalen. She is NOT good enough for the Son of Man, I’ll tell you. Now, let’s have a little nosh and then we’ll talk about something else.

You two deserve each other, between BVM appearing in a tortilla and Jesus appearing on a cheeto. I’m not scared of either one of you food groupies.

The real power is with the G-Man. He made you BVM, He’s Joe Jackson and you’re just Tito. And Jesus, come on with your Tucap Biggie Lil Bow Wow speak, you’re gay. Just enjoy it. You’re 2000 years old never married, no kids, hang out with 11 other dudes wearing these long dress things and sandles! Come on dude.

No prob. I didn’t know how hip you are, because lord knows that I don’t give a flying fuck about pop culture. The only reason I knew is because my draftsman is a youngster. Oh, yes and “Sandle” instead of sandal.

it all makes sense now… BVM making all these appearances to people in South and Central American countries, and naming her kid Jesus.

Hey Jesus, I used to know a dishwasher named Jesus. And Jesus sat behind me in the 5th grade. And I used to know a coke dealer named Jesus, too. Have you been making appearances to me, or do I just live in an area with a disproportionate number of spics?

Crystal – That is just plain racist and I will not tolerate it. It is not the fault of My dear son if a bunch of wetback chimichanga-eaters want to name their children after him.

As to you ‘Virgin’ Mary, get the fuck off of My Blog and reset My Password or I will be forced to erase you from existence. With a snap of My mind, you never were and Jesus came from nothingness. The immaculate conception becomes the immaculate inception and this thing just keeps on rolling along without you. DELETE. THIS. FUCKING. POST. YOU. BITCH!!!

And Mary said:
“My soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
to Abraham and his descendants forever,
even as he said to our fathers.”

Well, well, if it isn’t The Virgin Mary. One of the few virgins I never got around too. Personally, I see nothing wrong with 13. It’s a great age. You may be a little bit older now but technically still a virgin. What are you up to on Sunday night? It’s after the sabbath. We could meet on Mt. Olympus, a few Dolmathes, a nice warm Haniotiko Mpoureki, some Ouzo to relax the nerves. I know a rabbi chef so it will all be Kosher and I promise more than just a quick shtup. Zeus throws lightning bolts. Ask Hera or any of my other baby’s mammas. Just throwin’ it out there. Your a sassy lady and Zeus digs that.

I think Der Dude is an architect or designer. Judging by his name I can imagine him dressed in all black with this black framed galsses daning around his studio to bad German techno. “Ya das funky musik ist better den das crappy Tupac you dumbkopf boy draftsman.”

Thanks Lx,
I don’t get much recognition anymore with the exception of My most recent Games which are on their final days. Oh and gay ass liberal arts college classes in Greek & Roman Mythology. Mythology my ass!

The Blessed Virgin Mary said: “Well, Nun, I suppose God is pretty hot when he’s angry. Too bad he can’t channel that into some sort of sexual expression. I wouldn’t mind it a little rough now and then.”

What the fuck!?! God is a crappy lay??? Say it isn’t so, Mary, say it isn’t so!

“God’s schmeckle must be puny because I didn’t feel a thing. There was no foreplay, no fondling of the breasts, no licking my loch, no divine sweet nothings whispered in my ear, no nothing. Just schtup, schtup, schtup and “see you ’round the stable, Mary.” Typical man.”

Yeah, Josh. As Mary would say, don’t be such a Mensch! Besides God and are are second cousins, twice removed. I am not a big fan of the extended family. Look what I did to Prometheus. Don’t make come at you like a spides monkey. I’ll do to you what I did to the Titans.

Josh – I have smoten Zeus so many times, what is one more going to do? He is referred to strictly as a myth; NO ONE believes in him any more. I have reduced him to posting lame videos on the intertubes. What could be worse than that?!

I’d do a cage match with God. I got a few thousand years on him but I don’t feel a day over 2000 and I’ve been hittin the weight’s lately that along with my recent training in Krav Maga and mixed martial arts, I’m ready.

Josh,
Crap you’re pissin’ me off. That battle was like 4000 years ago. They didn’t have Digital Camcorders back then Stephen Hawking. How else would we re-create that most awesome battle. Jeez, Spielberg wasn’t available and far be it from me to not share my story with 1/4 of the world – thus, the Spanish subtitles.

Zeus,
You’re proving what a weak ass god you are!
You couldn’t even travel forward in time, buy a camcorder, then go back a tape the battle? Of course Speilberg wouldn’t shoot it for you, he’s a Jew; one of God’s chosen people. What a looser Zeus! You couldn’t even get McG to shoot it for you. BTW – like your dress in the video, homo.

1. Swallow, don’t spit. God doesn’t like it when You spit. Although… You may want to spit for this very reason.

2. Clench. Practice Your Kegel exercises and clench as much as You can. This will help You avoid the dreaded donkey-punch and yes, Zeus will donkey-punch You if given the chance.

3. Grab a hold of the sac and do not let go. I don’t care what position Zeus puts You in. DO. NOT. LET. GO. Zeus will be less likely to donkey-punch You if You’ve got a good strong hold of his testes. IMPORTANT – Massage the sac gently every once in awhile so Zeus thinks You’re holding them for his benefit.

4. Touch Yourself. Zeus is a selfish lover and will not take care of Your needs. You must take care of Yourself.

5. Never, EVER tell Zeus he was a good lover. You must never let Your partner know that You enjoyed the experience. You need to have the option of telling him he is a shitty lover if he pisses You off. I think You have this tip down pat. I’ve only added it in the interest of thoroughness.

6. Bring a vibrator aka ‘boxed-cock’. There is no better way to make a man feel bad than to pull out a vibrator after he spent all his energy fucking You. All women must make a man feel bad after sex, it’s just the way things work.

I’m sure I’ve missed some things so please feel free to ask if You have a specific question. I’m always here for You, Mary.

Josh,
You freakin’ mortal! Why the Hades would I worry about going foward in time to get a camcorder to tape my victories? I’m freakin’ Zeus! After that ass smackin’ I went back to my crib and did with virgins, ate goats and drank wine. Pick up a book all my victories are in there. I prepferred scribes because at least with a book you have toa have half a brain to know the story. Now with you plebians I have the CGI the shit. And FYI, it’s a toga! Real men let it hang.

Awww, Yo Yo! Gross. Even for me. When you tell someone not to do something, inevitably they are going to do it. I didn’t even do that when Hera said she was going to leave me for God. I bet ya Josh has done a few Chili Dogs in his day.

What book is that Zeusy? God has the bible, you’ve got what? a freaking PS2 game? Homo. You’re such a winner that people talk about you all the time, I mean even in this Olympic games when the American’s where singing the National Anthem that mentions God, they were doing what for you? NOTHING LOOSER. You’re time has gone you daddy and baby killer.

Do real men also wear hair clips homo? Maybe my little sis can borrow one of your scruncis! GAY.

Josh,
I feakin’ load of books and scroll exhalting my life and dictating my laws! You ever heard of the fire at the Library of Alexandria and the invasion of the Mongols (heathen bastards). Well, burned. Every last one of them. Would have put it out but Poseidon was on spring break in Cancun.

Look, I freakin’ defeated the Titans, crushed the giant hundred headed monster Typhoeus that tried to invade heavan, stopped the Giants that tried to storm Olympus (as you saw in my excellent CGI re-creation), created the Great Deluge which flooded earth (unlike that namby flood by God with Noah and his silly Ark), had an eagle feed on Promethus ever re-generating liver for all eternity, created Pandora and that feakin’ box, punished Salmoneus, Tantalos and Ixion, orchestrated the entire Trojan War, fathered Alexander the Great, and boned virgins and non-virgins, as swans, bulls, silly mortals, and myself. What the crap have you done?!

Ah ha ha, Nun u minx! I’m freakin’ Zeus so it is no average mortal package and that is not to mention all of the other imprtant assets, stamina, agility, and a keen knowledge of the female anatomy. After all those virgins the knowledge is keen.

Ha!
If you notice I only bring out the homo talk when I speak to Zeus (check my past postings). I know gods hate being called gay (I’m using the term god loosely when speaking of Zeus). I also notice that you gods talk about the size of your ding dong, so I tried hitting you were is hurts.

Josh, I wasn’t the first one to bring it up. I do beleive the penis thing was first brought up by The BVM, God, Nun, then Yo Yo, then me in response to interrogotorries. However, you bring up homosexuality in every single post. As you said, I call it like I see it. You live in San Fran. Great, then the transition will be easy for you. Go have a blast and meet a good man at the Lexington Club.

Can you manifest your massive size and skills in an already existent mortal? If so, I’d like to request that you manifest yourself in Johnny Depp and then come a knockin’ on my door. I’d even accept Matthew McConaughey, I don’t care if he is a smelly.

Well, I’m sorry you failed your 4th grade test and have held onto animosity for all these years. You should try to be little less angry. God has enough anger for all of us. Let him be the master of that domain. Try meditation it’s good for the soul…or maybe Kama Sutra with a new male “friend” from the Village or Meat Packing District. You’re familiar with the Meat Packing District, aren’t you?

Greek mythology is so hard to follow. The goddesses were all the time fucking all the gods and some of the mortals. The gods were all the time fucking all the goddesses and some of the mortals. Mortals were birthing the children of gods. Cranky gods, cranky goddesses and cranky mortals. Not a good period in Deity history.

Most of McConaughey’s films are crap, Zeus. Except for the aforementioned Dazed and Confused which is one of the finest films ever made. I do like We Are Marshall but I’m a sucker for anything related to football.

Zeus,
You know nothing of NYC. The gays are in Chelsea.
The village is no longer the gay paradise it was (although my boss still lives there). And the meat packing district is mostly crappy clubs and bars and of course meat packing places.

BTW – I’m not gay. But I do forgive you for not giving me divine intervention on my test. I mean you could have made it easy for me by not being such a man whore, but you didn’t. I guess I should have studied harder or that bitch Mrs. Hannah could have made the test easier.

No hard feelings. You’re right about Chelsea. I just stated those two places because those ignorant to NYC always think the Village as being a behive of gay activity and the Meat Packing District because of the obvious innuendo. I’m quite aware they are all clubs and restaurants including that crappy over-priced, sucky, and overly-pretentious club Level 5. Risotteria is freakin’ awesome though.

God smited her by doing something to her back so she had to have surgery. Now she has to undergo 6 months of physiotherapy to be able to walk properly. I don’t understand why He had to smite her. I’m so sad, now I’m gonna have to fake my orgasm when Depp/Zeus comes over tonight. 😦

Wow, God. Even I’m impressed pinch nerve to the back! Foot like a dead fish. Not a full on smiting, just a little flick of the finger smiting. Was it her AIDS work or were you just sick of hearing “Sweet Dreams?”

Maegan said on her blog:
“* Attention Prius Drivers in LA *
Can you please find it in your smug little selves to figure out how to put your foot on the gas pedal and push it down? The other drivers will thank you by not honking and flipping you off :)”

Fuck yeah! I have apparently been handling the Prius Driver abuse wrong though… I just pull out a gun and shoot them in the head.

Awww BVM come on. You were all with “I’m goin’ to Brazil to appear in mouldy cieling tile.” I was afraid next thing I’d know you’d cancel ’cause you had to appear in someone’s grilled cheese sandwhich. I think there’s enough room for one more. Nun, down for a little manage-a-trois?

Off to celebrate the freakin’ weekend. Wine and women…after Nun perhaps some high school girls. In the words of Mr. McConauhey, “Alright, alright, alright…I keep getting older and they stay the same age.”

Why is it that you straight deities always want to have a threesome with two girls? I’d put down money that Nun would rather invite God than the BVM. She’d probably like to invite JC, but I don’t think he’s into girls.

Curtis, Straight deities like myself (as opposed to what’s been insinuated by Josh) want to have as many woman as possible. The Lord knows it is not limited to a threesome. The more the merrier in these situatation becuase as an immortal we never run out of juice (energy and the other kind) therefore a gymnasium full of young verile woman would be fine by me.

Thanks very much for your site. I prostrate myself at the feet of real wisdom! Heh!

The comments are highly entertaining as well. I may have to visit here from time to time! It will serve as an antidote to the red-state predominantly fundamentalist area in which I live and deal with daily. If I begin to feel too tolerant of those folks, I will come here to cleanse myself.

Time to sort out a theological problemo… God’s a Trinity right? Father, SON, and Holy Ghost … three-in-one … co-equal and indivisible … in the Beginning was the Word etc. etc.

So… ummm… when you gave Mary her memorably unmemorable bang, where was the little boy, your pride and joy? Did he jump on in there with you and the Holy Ejaculate, or did he sort of stand aside nice and politely seeing as you were banging his future mama. Come clean Jesus–did you stick it up the birth canal before you came down it? There’s some nasty shit here that doesn’t bear thinking about. YO MAMA!!

Take a look at the version of this in spanish…it’s got like 20 comments. for some reason this one has got them talking. wonder what they’re saying. anybody here speak spanish or portuguese or whatever that is?

The whole immaculate conception thing is widely mis-understood; there really wasn’t any banging, as such.

Mary, who was a virgin and not married at the time, was actually diddling herself. What has come to be known as the “Holy Spirit” was a bit of God’s wad that squirted out of her own finger tip and knocked her up.

Jesus did not exist prior to this moment, of course, except as a gleam in God’s eye. The one standing politely aside (and jerking off) was Gabriel.

The whole “trinity” thing was just a marketing scam cooked up later by the apostles to sell gospel schlock.

Neb, you pathetic idiot. That’s not Spanish, it’s Portuguese. The first few comments were made by more intelligent, more interactive versions of Bridgette, who discussed if the article was more blasphemous than unfunny or more unfunny than blasphemous. This was followed by a few comments made by less intelligent, less funny versions of Yo Yo Ma Ma, The Weasel and Der Dude. Then the Bridgettes returned and made another few good points, and then there were Holocaust jokes, then mental retardation and atheism jokes, an out-of-character retort by the author of the blog trying to justify himself with freedom of expression. To cut it short, a huge big bore.

I’ll have their collective asses raped for all eternity by monster demons soon enough.

What do you crackers have to say, then? The fact is that “you have nothing to say”. Will it be superficiality, levity and ignorance that characterize the new atheism? You who are an atheist and yet claim to take the bible literally are no more nor less than a cracker. Will be this the pinnacle of your atheism?

Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens, Daniel Dennet among others, make up part of a superficial and frivolous atheism, whose theological knowledge is at the level of a biblical cracker. If you follow this path, your atheism will not wake consciences, but confuse them and corrupt them. I challenge you to get to the bottom about what you think, without falling into the ridiculous humor that leads to a lack of interest.

I’m the only cracker around here. Cracker is a spic, Curtis is a fag, Nun is a ho, Tony is a dick, and Neb is a retard and needs to shut up.

I agree with you 100%. The authors of that Portal Ateu are a bunch of idiotic and superficial atheists, and not even halfway funny. Josh would love them and feel right at home there. But I am not in any way an atheist. I’m a believer. I’m not even a believer, I have seen God. I felt His Love, pure and unfiltered. I was His Favourite and I loved Him unconditionally from the day I was created. That’s why I always start my day by coming here to His Divine Blog, to catch up on the latest Word.

You are more intelligent, more interactive and less scripture-quoting-bound than Bridgette, but next time you could do more than simply translating your original quote from that other blog and changing “creationist” for “cracker”. It’s lazy and unfunny.

I’ll still have your ass raped for all eternity by monster demons soon enough.

I don’t know what the significance of Bridgito’s constant use of “cracker” is supposed to mean or prove.

“I challenge you to get to the bottom about what you think, without falling into the ridiculous humor that leads to a lack of interest.”

Don’t you think that most of us who are now atheists got here by doing that very thing? That we weren’t brought up being taught to believe and educated in religion? Do you not think that there might be many here who used to argue for and believe in those teachings and after years of self-questioning and critical thinking, now sing a different tune?
I assume at least, that’s what the scientists who created me were saying when talking about “playing God” with each other.

“Love the name and your avatar. They go perfect together. Sometimes a name and an avatar just fit so perfectly.”

Thanks Neb–and thanks GOD for picking my avatar for me. I trembled after making my post that the Big One might smite me for suggesting that junior had it in there with the Big Kahuna–but what Dad isn’t proud when his boy ‘comes’ of age?

Tony Snow I bow to your theological supremacy–of course economics would be at the bottom of it. A triumph of early capitalism–“THE HOLY TRINITY—THREE FOR ONE IN DIFFERENT COLORS AND FLAVORS.’

# 232 is a PROMT translation of Miguel Oliviera’s response to Ricardo Silvestre’s post of SGH on the Portuguese language atheist website PortalAteu. The term
“criacionismo” wouldn’t translate, so I called it “cracker”.

Lucifer,

If you thought the first 20 posts were boring, check out what happens later between Miguel and Ricardo.

On this day, 21 September 2008, I, Smoggy Batzrubble of Noo Zillund, son of Mama Batzrubble (deceased in childbirth) and Papa Batzrubble (serial killer–executed), post this message in praise of Almighty God, the Omniscient, the Omnipotent, and the Fiercest SMITING Bastard in the universe, who has granted me a great victory in my contest with the Pagan Priestess Anne (spitting staples) Johnson.

For evidence to support my faith I refer you to “God on the Internet” postings 600 and 609.

Praise be to God. This message is posted on every thread in HIS honor.

The story is simple, Mary was a virgin who gave birth to Jesus THE Christ. Anyone that worships the image of Mary is guilty of Commandment number 1 (one) and 2 (two) and within the catholic faith they make Mary an equal to Jesus. This is dead wrong.
READ BIBLE FOR DETAILS!