21 awesome features missing from the new iPhone

The new iPhones with iOS7 are packed, nay packed with amazing new features, colors, camera abilities, software doodads, and more. They’re nothing short of miraculous hunks of modern tech gloriousness. But they’re also, shockingly, missing a few key features we’d really like to see in future models. Such as:

Perfect! Except for a few things…

Snicker Muffler. For every hipster under 40 who struggles to stifle a disbelieving chuckle when they see their Midwestern elders scooping heaps of freeze-dried, lint-colored misery from giant, Costco-sized tins of Maxwell House into pale mugs of watery sadness, and you’re all, like, “Really? You call that coffee? I pay six dollars for a single, hand-poured cup of Lost Guatemalan Ultra Orangutan Intestine Blend from Blue Bottle! [Snicker].”

Oyster Shucker. For those times you drink one too many Bloody Marys out at the coastal seafood joint you found using the iPhone’s Yelp app and GPS functionality, and as you watch the burly fisherman dude in the bloody overalls shuck oysters by hand like a boss, you actually hear yourself say, “I think I’ll just buy a giant bag of raw oysters right now, take them home and impress my boyfriend with my shucking skills using my new iPhone 5S.”

Syrian Attack Upside-the-Head Slapper. Specially designed for otherwise savvy, 2nd-term Democratic presidents who aren’t nearly as fantastic, progressive and badass as most of us hoped, but who should nevertheless know better by now than to rattle the sabres of bullsh-t war in a faint but still far-too-painful reminder of the obnoxious hawkishness of his milquetoast predecessor who ruined pretty much everything for a solid decade.

Avocado Ripeness Identifier. Is it perfect right now, or will it rip apart in a squelchy, rotted mess as soon as you twist it?

Auto-tune Disabler. So fans of roughly 92 percent of pop music today can hear that their idols cannot actually sing a goddamn note.

Anonymous Jackass Humanizer/Empathizer, in which all nasty, repulsive, racist, hateful, puerile, or otherwise tiny-brained anonymous comments from various blogs and sites are instantly re-translated into phrases such as, “I rarely leave the house and haven’t had sex in four years.” “My own dog thinks I’m a jerk and women shun me because of the smell.” “I like to lash out in mean and childish ways on Gawker, YouTube, Slashdot, and also frequently in the comment area below this very column because that’s the only way I can feel empowered in this, my tiny, sad cubicle adorned with stills from Lord of the Rings and fetish photos of handguns and sandwich meats.”

N.S.A. Happy Finger: New feature notices when the N.S.A. is about to troll your personal data (which it can do, apparently, whenever it wants) and instantly scrambles all your emails, texts and banking data into a single piece of ASCII art in the shape of a giant middle finger.

Somebody pinch me!

Boehner Pincher, with McConnell Jabber. Unique finger-swipe gesture built into iOS7 allows user to pinch any photo of the House majority leader into a little, over-tanned crumple of sweaty, conservative angst until it pops like a small pimple, which then morphs into a tiny, greasy photo of Mitch McConnell, which then bounces around the screen like a Whack-A-Mole until you stab it with your finger, at which point it lets out a slow, wheezing gasp, and disappears.

Perspective Smacker. From the always-amusing news that Miley Cyrus (or any tacky celeb flavor of the month) is more popular, Google-search wise, than chemical warfare in Syria (or any other depressing, urgent news story of the month) comes a feature that tracks how many hours your spend searching for, reading about, or watching videos of hollow pop culture chyme, and occasionally swaps in a video of innocent civilians being massacred by sarin gas. Just to, you know, keep it real.

Hawthorne Effector. According to a recent study, customers who were told their energy use was being tracked for a month actually saved more energy. It’s an example of what’s called the Hawthorne effect; people behave differently (often more nobly, responsibly, or honestly) when they think they’re being watched. Is Siri watching you right now? What are you wearing? Should you really be touching that? (Note: Hawthorne Effect useless on shameless congressmen).

California Teen Sex Urger. Special alert system designed to detect feral hormonal patterns in the iPhone’s owner, match it to their zip code, and nudge all sexually active teens from backwater, Southern-state hateswamps to get the hell out and move to, say, California, where it’s been proven over and over again that aggressive sex education combined with easy access to contraception reduces teen pregnancy, makes life better, and gets you the hell out of Louisiana. Which is always a good thing.

Significant Other Mood Indicator (SOMI) – Phone will vibrate, beep, screech, turn red hot and then drop right out of your pants/purse when detects your partner is in a foul and combative mood for some unknowable reason which, if you attempt to guess at it, confront it or somehow mollify it, will only make things worse because you should know better, jerk.

Unknowable Reason Decoder – Related to SOMI, the magic of fuzzy logic combines with your iPhone’s world-class computing power to try and figure out just what the hell is irritating your lover/partner, when it’s probably just the fact they’re all out of cookies and just need a backrub, a hot bath and three powerful, ass-slapping orgasms.

Complacency Attenuator. See Perspective Smacker. Same same, but different.

Self Hider. Specially designed gyroscope causes iPhone to slip down in between couch cushions or sneak itself in the pocket of a jacket you swear you did not wear anytime this week, for the sole purpose of making you realize how desperately, ridiculously attached to the goddamn thing you really are when you can’t find it for two days and start to freak out because you might be missing a secret text message from Ryan Gosling or something.

Wasabi Detector. Special sensor detects just how much wasabi the sushi chef snuck under that piece of hamachi nigiri before you eat it and your face explodes. Phone will tear up accordingly, wave hand in front of itself in desperate fanning motion as Siri goes “OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod” and reaches over and chugs all your sake.

iPhone says: Please reconsider

Bad Tattoo Dissuader. Exactly what it sounds like. Unique algorithm will measure coolness/quality/timelessness ratios of tattoo design you’re considering, and tell you if you’re making an awful and tacky, or wonderful and totally badass choice, and/or if the “artist” in question should be arrested for ingesting huge amounts of crack less than an hour ago. (Warning! iPhone will sometimes freeze completely if design relates in any way to Harry Potter/Twilight/Hunger Games/obscure indie band lyrics).

Hey Look A Tree. At preset intervals, phone freezes completely for a full minute, displaying a message telling you to look up from your all-important Instagram feed of tattooed babes and cute animal Vine gifs and see, no really see, the world around you because, no matter how much time you think you have left in the world, it’s not going to last nearly as long as you think it will.