It has been quite a long time since I last wrote something. This is the phrase that nearly all my posts start with. I apologize. I am taking back a few of the promises that I made during the last 2 years. Such as “I promise I will write more often”, “I promise I’ll make more videos.”, “I promise I’ll keep you guys updated.” I wasn’t able to keep any of them. And I excuse myself for what it looks like a lack of interest. I’m not lacking anything. It is just that I was not expecting many of the things that happened to me over the last 2 years to happen in the first place. And I do not mean the stroke that I suffered. I’m talking about a lot of the things that happened after the stroke.

I was suggested by my therapists to document everything that I go through either through writing or through videos. But what is it that I can document? I’m not doing anything. All I do is sit in silence in a corner and wait. And talk to myself. And go deeper inside my inner self. Sorry. I’m missing the point of my own article.

What I had in mind a year ago was to create a YouTube channel and talk about my experience as a blind person. It failed. Not because I didn’t try but because I believe I wasn’t necessarily supposed to talk about it because I have no interest in talking about myself all day.

It dawned on me on Sunday morning. Last Friday, my sister posted a video on my main channel on YouTube. The channel has 28k subscribers and many of them know about my story. It wasn’t video about crocheting, but one that showed me doing facial expressions. It was something very small and silly because I am a normal person too, not just a teacher that teaches other people about crocheting, nor a multitalented person expressing something artistic or whatever. I once watched a video showing one of my favorite YouTubers eating his cereals for 10 minutes. He did nothing else but that, while staring at the camera. It was something incredibly silly because it showed the human behind the artist and the teacher. So I enjoyed every second of it. But, in my case, a very small number of my subscribers watched it. Many of them disliked it and left some harsh comments, telling me I was humiliating myself. They asked me what was the purpose of the video and all sorts of other questions.

Sure, I was disappointed to hear what people think about a blind girl who lost so much and was left with very little opportunities. But the whole experience confirmed me something, something I began feeling many weeks, even months before this moment. I do not longer wish to make videos. Not about myself, in any case. I never wanted to make them. But I made them because I needed a job.

It is not that I cannot accept criticism. Only God knows how much criticism I’ve heard and have accepted over the last 20 years of my life. I’m just coming to realize … Jesus, I can’t stand it. It’s taking me 50 minutes to put a few words together to make sense. I can’t stand talking about myself any longer and this bloody English suffocates me. I seriously feel pain somewhere around the neck, where I know that my most dysfunctional chakra is. I’m losing interest in writing. Or in writing to get hits and likes. I’m losing interest in making these videos. Or better said in making them to get views, subscribers and money. And fame. I do not want any of them. I never wanted them.

Silly, silly Cătălina. People called you a multitalented person. Are you going to let all this talent go to waste? No, I want. But I’m just not going to focus on myself any longer. So I thought of something. The idea has been in the back of my mind for approximately 4 years. It is a non-profit organization meant to help little creators. I will not talk more about it right now because I don’t know what to talk about. It is only an idea. But to make sure that this is the right idea that I have to follow in my life, I asked my God to send me a 25$ donation through someone by the end of this week. It is the sign that I need and I will consider the 25$ dollars the first brick in the wall. It’s Wednesday. 4 more days and I will put an end to the nonsense in my life and will begin working on what I believe my purpose in this life is.

6 Responses to “The beginning is the end is the end is the beginning”

Dear Catalina,
I’m sorry you are in such a lonely place. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you. I’m also sorry that English suffocates you. I still very frequently listen to your videos at night when I can’t sleep, because I love listening to you talk. I’m sending you virtual hugs and know that I do check in to see how you are doing.
Deb

Catalina,
Your videos were among the first ones I used to learn how to crochet. They were so very informative and I learned so much. Now I crochet all the time and it has become a big part of my life. It’s therapy without the shrink. I just wanted you to know that you had and still have an effect on people that you will never even know.
I can’t begin to imagine the strength it has taken to survive all that you have endured. You are a role model. I can only hope that in the near future the extraordinary leaps in medicine that occur frequently now will benefit you.
Like the previous writer, I too still go to your videos all the time to learn a new stitch or pattern.
Please know that you have many fans.
Charl

Hi Charl,
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Since the stroke, I firmly believed that my youtube channel went downhill, with a massive drop-down in the number of views. Obviously, it was very disappointing. But I am learning to appreciate the few people who still believe that my old tutorials are still of help. Crocheting is therapy for me as well. I began crocheting once again and it is calming me down. I’m not so sure about the leaps in medicine. Maybe in other countries, but not in Romania. Please be well and thank you once again.

Catalina,
i am saddened to hear of your health issues and the resulting sadness and distress. I just discovered your videos of crocheting and have enjoyed your teaching style and patterns. I too have has health setbacks and pulled away from others to live in a dark place in my soul. In time I was able to come out of it. I was scared that it would never end, but it did. I hope your recovery brings you up to happier times. I will watch and re-watch your video and think about you.
Anna

Hi, Anna.
Thank you so much for writing to me. It feels as if my crochet tutorials are ages ago, in another life. It still makes me very happy to find that they still help people. I can no longer make crochet tutorials. But I am seriously thinking to start a new channel and focus on health, beauty and DIY tutorials, as much as I am able to as a blind person. I will never loose hope and faith that I’ll see again.
Please, take care.

Hi Catalina,
I am teaching my 13 year old granddaughter how to crochet. I find that tutorials like yours are very helpful. You are very good at explaining how to execute a stitch. I can help her while watching you, stop and start as needed.
I think your plan for health tutorials is a good idea. One of the popular and helpful topics in my area is about how to get over a life changing event like the one you have had. They call it Resilience Training. People like to have information about what has helped other people cope, survive then prosper again. Just a thought for you.
Anna

About Me

The Cats killed my Curiosity: Hi, there! Please state your full name.

Me: My name is Catalina Alexandra Stan. I was also named Maria when I was baptize, to have a saint"s protection. This does not show up in the legal documents, though. You can call me Catalina, Cata, Cati, Cat, C., or even "Hey, You".

The Cats killed my Curiosity: When and where were you born?

Me: I was born in May, 1987, in a city called Braila, in Romania. [read more...]

You can also help us by donating something. Your support will go into my recovery program. You can donate using the following e-mail address: catalina_a_stan@yahoo.com

Arts&Crafts Channel

Dear Reader,
I am Catalina, the person behind this blog. I am currently recovering after a stroke I suffered on the 1st of November, 2013. It left me nearly deaf for a while, and, sadly, completely blind at the moment. This blog is one of the things helping me not to loose my mind. You can read more in the About Me page. Many of you wrote to me and my sister and told us they would like to help. You can do so by grabbing our button bellow, uploading it onto your server and hard linking it on your website to http://catalinastan.com/. spread the word around and help us grow awareness about blindness.