Then, this morning, something drew me back to the topic and I read the whole essay, written by Claire McCarthy M.D.. I loved it. And I realized it was a big deal because there, right on that page, in just 11 paragraphs, was the key to parental sanity.

And no matter how confident we think we are of our parenting methods, or however insecure we feel, it’s always, always good to hear about the confidence or insecurities of other parents. And when that parent is a doctor, specializing in children and parenting, it’s all the more validating.

The fact that this woman refers to herself as a “softie” when she admits to sleeping with her kids speaks volumes. Even she, the person many of us feel sheepish admitting our parenting habits to, feels sheepish about her own.

Not everyone may feel this way, but, when I read gem after gem of her profound parenting wisdom, it makes me want Claire McCarthy as my pediatrician.

Listen to this:

Our kids slept in our bed. We slept in theirs — or lay next to them as they drifted off to sleep. We sat on the floor, telling stories and singing lullabies and slowly edging out of the bedroom as their breathing got deep and regular. We went in again and again to retrieve the stuffed animal from under the bed or to investigate the scary noise or possible spider. When they woke in the middle of the night, we held them until they went back to sleep — sometimes night after

And the admission of self-perceived weakness:

We were also lazy. It was just easier to get up and climb in bed with someone, or bring them into our bed, than work at getting them to go back to sleep by themselves. We knew they would eventually, and they did. We were fine with “eventually” being kindergarten and not infancy.

And, the part you are waiting for, the part where she tells us her kids actually can sleep alone– the part we parents need to hear again and again:

And now that they are older, everyone sleeps just fine. But when they were little, it never really mattered to us whether they slept independently, or all night. We broke all sorts of “sleep rules” on a regular basis.

And, finally, she drops the bomb:

Honestly, there aren’t all that many absolutes when it comes to raising kids. You must love them, really love them so they know it. You must do everything you can to keep them safe and healthy. You must keep their future in mind, because at some point they will move on and you want them to have a good and choice-filled life. But there are literally millions of ways to do these things — billions, really. As many ways as there are families.

I don’t know. I just love this. And, having a six year old who still wakes me in the night because she wants to feel my “warm skin,” it makes this doc’s words all the more resonant.

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My 6yo DD regularly crawls into my bed in the middle of the night if she wakes up. And on the weekends that she’s with me, on Friday and Saturday night, she even starts there. In fact, we sometimes go to bed together on a Friday night after watching a movie.

I figure, in a few short years, this child will likely want nothing to do with her “uncool” mom, so I am going to take all the extra snuggles, warm skin and giggles under the covers that I can get while they are being offered up!

Danny’s Momma

You know, I did pretty much the same thing. I read the title of this post and said “Big deal.” But then I came back to it after having read all the other new posts and I’m glad I did.

Every single night I lay with my son (he’s almost 4) in his bed and rub his back and soothe him until he falls asleep. Once he’s asleep I go to my own bed. Sometimes in the middle of the night, he’ll wake up and call for me, and I’ll go back to his bed and rub his back and help him fall back asleep. Just like the author of that article, I admit I’m lazy. Doing this is just easier than working on some stressful system to get him to go to sleep on his own. Plus if he’s scared of something or had a bad dream, I want him to know that I’m there for him. I want him to know he’s safe with me. Why would I make him lay there scared by himself? It will pass. Someday he won’t WANT his mommy laying with him. He’ll state “I’m a big boy, I don’t need you to baby me anymore!” and when that happens it will be a bittersweet day. For now, I’ll enjoy the fact that he needs me. It works for us.

Whitney

I once had a pediatrician tell me he’s never known a high school graduating senior to walk across the stage to receive their diploma sucking on a paci/bottle, and wearing a diaper after having slept the night before in their parents’ bed…don’t sweat the stuff that in a lifetime works out to be relatively small. Do whatever works best for you and your child’s personality-we’re all different.

Denise

Sometimes all these “rules” just seem like much ado about nothing. I agree that as long as you are providing a loving, warm and nurturing environment that the rest of the “stuff” will basically take care of itself.

Now if you are still co-sleeping with your kids on a nightly basis when they are like 30 well, that’s a bit odd…lol.

Michelle E.

Love this!

Momof4

I have given up on my kids sleeping in their own rooms. They have an entire floor on our house and seem to need a compass to find their rooms. They all pile into our tiny King bed, mostly between my legs, and pass out while I roll around trying to get comfortable, but strategically placing my legs or feet so they won’t roll off the bed.

I have given up any thoughts about weaning my 2.5yr old. I can’t do it. He is just too darn stinking cute, it’s hard to tell him no. So “boo boo” is available when ever. I am 4 months past my cut of date of weaning.

Sleep is a ghost in our house, but I have slowly come to accept it.

I loved the article Especially the last paragraph. I had a pediatrician like that once… before we moved. I am hoping our current one has the same philosophy, but we don’t chit chat so I don’t know yet.

Laura

This is really sweet! Especially after hearing so much, “You’ll kill your babies by cosleeping” nonsense.

Kip

“You must love them, really live them so they know it.”. Oh my gosh that got me all choked up. That’s what drives me, but I never had the words for it.

I want her as my pediatrician, next door neighbor, mother, sister…

At my baby shower someone told me “There are a million right ways to raise a child.”

http://www.numbmum.com/ Betsy Shaw

That one got me as well. A wisdom bomb . Boom.

Kip

*”You must love them, really LOVE them so they know it.”*

If it’s going to be mantra I should get it right!

CARRIE H

With my oldest son I couldn’t stand to be separated from him so he slept in our bed. The 1st time my husband tried to put him in his crib I cried myself to sleep right along with my son. That was the last time he slept in that horrible torture device! He is 2 1/2 and sometimes sleeps in his own bed in our room and sometimes still sleeps in bed with us. He does sleep just fine in his own bed when he chooses to sleep there. My second baby born 6 weeks ago sleeps in a bassinet right next to my side of the bed. I would let him sleep with us but, I am worried the older one might accidentally crawl in and hurt him in the middle of the night. I am sure he will end up in bed with us when he is old enough to fend for himself. I think that kids are only little for a very short time and I want to cuddle every second I get. I didn’t grow up with very affectionate parents and I never want my boys to wonder if they are really truly loved like I always did. I am doing everything in my power to make sure they grow up safe, healthy, and feeling loved……I feel like that’s all any parent can do.

G

Thanks for posting this. I shared the article with a friend today. She loved it, and through social media, other friends loved it. They needed to hear this for the same reasons you gave; it’s nice to know you aren’t the only one, and you aren’t doing anything wrong just because your kids need you at night. Thank you!

Anna

Wonderful post! And so true! with my first son, I broke all the rules, and he slept with us every single night until he was 2 and half, because it was just easier, and he sleeps all night every night in his own bed now that he is almost 8. My 2.5 year-old is the same way-ends in our bed almost every night, but has had gone for weeks without waking until morning… I agree that all of this, if put in perspective is so unnecessary….

Erin

I love it! Read the comments on the original HuffPost article…they’re almost all positive, but a few people actually said it was “disgusting” that she nursed her child until age four. Seriously?? What “disgusts” me is that so few pediatricians actually know the benefits of extended breastfeeding (which co-sleeping can help facilitate, obviously). Great article.

alison

My kids 10 & 8 would sleep with us occasionally or me with them. My daughter is 10 now and when she does decide to sleep in our bed, she always wants to be on top of the covers under her own blanket, so i can see the separation already starting. My 8 yo DS however when he does decide to sleep with us, he’s hanging on me all night. I imagine his time will come too eventually.

I overheard my SIL telling her husband recently that their 14 yo son came over to her on the couch and put his head in her lap. She was so happy and surprised you could tell that it meant the world to her.

Joyce Slaton

I guess it was a good thing I didn’t read so many baby books when Vi was a child. I never felt weird about sleeping with her, we were all happy and warm, and when it started to be a problem, we moved her out, no guilt, no issues, just a few days of getting used to things. If I were going to give a new mom ONE piece of advice I’d say: throw away the books and go with your gut. It never steers you wrong. I hate that thinking that you can screw up at any moment. To hell with that. If we love them, and we’re trying our best, that’s good enough.

Mandy

My oldest daughter is 5 and slept with us until she was 2 1/2, then she wanted me to lay with her when she got her own bed. I still do after we read a few books. Everyone kept giving me advice, like to let her cry it out and other things I couldn’t do. My Dad told me to ignore everyone and enjoy the time with her while she still wants me because she will grow up fast and won’t want me anymore. Best advice I ever got!

Heather

This is a very timely topic for me. My 3yo will sometimes start out the night in is own bed, but always ends up in mind (wedged between me and DH 😉 ). I have listed to all the advice, but have resisted any sort of ‘system’ to get him to sleep on his own. I have enough daytime stress without filling the night with it as well. He is a warm and cuddly little boy, and sleeps best when he is warmed and cuddled by us. On the rougher nights I wish he was in his bed, but then I remind myself that before too long he will be and I will miss those midnight snuggles. My son is a happy, healthy, wonderful little boy-so what we’re doing can’t be all bad :).

Rob

what if the child has never slept in her own bed and is 71/2 years old? I think you got a problem. If your a male it’s a huge issue you might find CPS knocking on your front door. I do understand the other writers however big brother is watching.

tricia

I hate that I feel like I need validation for my son sleeping in our bed with us. But I still do it, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that I will probably let him sleep with me until he decides to stop.

Pennie

My kids, 18 months and 4 months, sleep quite contentedly through the night. Then again, they both sleep with us. It might not be so contented when I move my older one into her own room and bed. (I’m in no rush.)

Sara

I am a child psychologist who works with toddlers and preschoolers, and this is what I tell parents: Be firm on what you care about, and let the other things go. However, you are the boss. If something is a problem for you or the dad, it’s YOUR way. If dad doesn’t like cosleeping but you do, baby has got to go. If you want your kid out, out s/he goes. I tell people, if you are all happy, why should I, as the professional, care?

Julie

So funny! I was just at my Dr appt last week and my Dr admitted to me that her 3 yr old sleeps with her every night. She also admitted that she stays up till like 10:00 every night. I’ve been having a hard time with my almost 3 yr old and he is tough to get to bed at night and still sleeps with us. I couldn’t believe she was going thru the same thing! It felt so good to be able to chat with her about this when she totally understood. She wasnt like a typical Dr who would say he needs to be in his own bed and needs to be asleep by 8. She not only understood but didn’t see a prob with it.

Angela

“Throw away the books” is good advice, Joyce (#15), which I couldn’t bring myself to do – next best was to read everything I could get my hands on (oh happy breastfeeding hours), until I realised that the advice all conflicts anyway, so it can’t all be right 😉 Not that that stopped (stops) me worrying about whether I am doing the right thing every day… Claire McCarthy sounds very wise!

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