1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
there
were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
Instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA.

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had
died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba , Canada.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with
one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse
told
me
to put on a new one every six hours and now
I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty
patches
on his body!
Now, the instructions include

removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was
alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR.

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to
get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly
and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI.

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that
the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a
tattoo
that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name.

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The
middle-aged
lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and
further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said,
"I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were
whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name.

__________________"Duncan exhibited at least three facial expressions, a career high."