Welcome

Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and
others concerned about HIV/AIDS. Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the
conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning: Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive
and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a
username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own
physician.

All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators
of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please
provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are
true and correct to their knowledge.

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

i guess a4a meant more to him than i did. his main crux was my so called jealousy. my so called jealousy stemmed from a weird feeling i had to check a website (trust ur instincts right).

till this day i'm sure he didnt cheat on me. so, he had a profile on a sex site called adam4adam. one night i woke up with an eerie feeling that i could not shake. i felt compelled to go to this website. he had a profile on it that i had known about for months. i guess he had changed it to something even more sexual.

it said something to the effect of "good looking latino not into drag queens. i know how to fuck but dont want my business spread around town" and so forth. i called him in the morning and asked him to remove it. he said he only used it to communicate with people...

regardless it was simply inappropriate. the next week (or maybe 2 weeks later) he had put something sexualized on his myspace. in his profile pic he's topless and it says he's a swinger for his status. a lot of people post flirtatious comments on his myspace page. he posted a comment that was visible to his friends that said "how sweet it was, the way i fucked him".

i was upset about this. not angry, didn't attack him. but i reminded him of the incident a week before. at this time i had deleted my poz profile and some others. they were largely inactive but i hated they way that situation made me feel.

so he accused me of being jealous and insecure. i think he was being irrational and unrealistic. one, we meet on the former site. this further legitimized my concern. 2 he lives an hour away from me and the people he was communicating with potentially lived in his city.

to add insult to injury he didn't have internet and he was using the cell i paid for and the cell service i was paying for to get on the internet.

he revealed jealousy had destroyed his last relationship. i asked him what did he do to cause those events to happen. when i woke up this morning (2 1/2 hours early) i realized he chose a sexual profile over me. the fucked part, after we talked about it i decided to back down because of the baggage he brought with him from his last relationship. i still believe he didnt use the profiles to cruise.

but what i dont understand is why he didnt call/text me instead. i don't understand why he didnt reach out to his people instead. i do know he stays up late at night and many of us are sleeping when this goes on. if i hadn't found that profile we might still be together.

but, then again, if he can't realize his role in this or how his former relationship is affecting the one he had with me then something else would have probably happened if not this event. i have a feeling this cycle will not end with me.

and yes, i am miffed that he was able to get a cell phone as soon as i cancelled his. he should have been giving me money instead of assuming i was ok with paying for his phone. defining boundaries in a relationship is important and i didn't do that soon enough and i gave him too much leeway because of his past. yeah, we're still gonna talk but only as friends.

Codependency abounds! You need to know the importance of boundaries. Why would you want to remain in contact with him as friends?

Personally the phone thing sounds more like your issue than his. Yeah, he used you to pay his bill. But maybe you used it to keep some control over him. If you're going to give someone something (or pay something), just do it...don't expect anything in return (like phone calls, no usage of internet for sex, and all that). You've turned it off. Good.

Now accept that you gotta move on. It ain't easy. But you gotta do it...somehow, someway.

BTW...

Quote

"good looking latino not into drag queens. i know how to fuck but dont want my business spread around town"

Personally the phone thing sounds more like your issue than his. Yeah, he used you to pay his bill. But maybe you used it to keep some control over him. If you're going to give someone something (or pay something), just do it and don't expect anything in return.

im going to have to disagree with you on this one. not entirely, but somewhat. first, i've never said that to him or held this phone over his head. it was never quid pro quo. when i was going through shit with him negative thoughts were impacted by the phone situation. like...dude, not only is he flirting with other people but he's using your phone to do it. i think there are limits ... and then i think there are insults that happen when one goes above and beyond the limits. i also knowingly allowed it to continue after we talked about it becuase i trust him.

i would never, ever in a relationship with another person use their resources to plant seeds with another. it is simply wrong in my book. i know this is subjective as well, but to me it is ethically and morally incorrect.

i never checked his phone records. i never used the phone against him. as a matter of fact he went over the allotted time more than once and i ended up paying huge surcharge amounts and not telling him. so don't give me that.

furthermore the thing i expected was before i gave him the phone. it was respect. with or without the phone The a4a thing was not respectful. period. i have to say i respectfully disagree with the conclusion you have drawn. .

till this day i'm sure he didnt cheat on me. so, he had a profile on a sex site called adam4adam. one night i woke up with an eerie feeling that i could not shake. i felt compelled to go to this website. he had a profile on it that i had known about for months. i guess he had changed it to something even more sexual.

it said something to the effect of "good looking latino not into drag queens. i know how to fuck but dont want my business spread around town" and so forth. i called him in the morning and asked him to remove it. he said he only used it to communicate with people...

Uh, wait a minute. You actually still think that this man, Mr. Gonorrhea, never cheated on you?

yeah, i still got my love goggles on but im fucking single. and don't feel terribly bad about it. i thought id wake up today devastated. no, im not. and i plan on talking to him soon.

the truth is i do believe him. but i don't miss him. and i don't intend on seeing him soon. i think he made a huge mistake and i am proud of myself for sticking to my guns. i believe i did the best i could and when i look back through my posts i see myself working very hard at making this right.

more info - he gave me gonorrhea twice. calm down. he isn't having sex with anyone else. he has not been treated and i haven't touched his ass since. he is asymptomatic and i havent been able to talk to him about it. nothing changed in our relationship before or after the bouts of gonorrhea. it came from the same place each time. he got tested again and got the culture finally. it came back negative (his doc most likely gave him a gram stain for an in hospital result) and the test was not supposed to be administered that way (according to the cdc and merck website it's considered unreliable).

i do appreciate the support you've given me but i think i may have painted too much of a negative picture of this man. he made a number of mistakes but so did i. we ended this on an amicable note. i knew going into this he had a lot of baggage from a former relationship. he knew going into this it was my first relationship. he was scared of a lot things i did.

he wanted me to not react to some of the stuff he was doing. this was very wrong on his behalf. i can see why he freaked but i do believe it is wrong. if he were to come back i would not back down and but i wouldn't put up with some of the same shit.

i'm not a completely codependent person nor am i a moron. and i still like him a lot and will continue to do so. we spent a significant amount of time together and we have talked a lot. over the last year he became the person i spoke with most and i was the person he spoke to the most.

and to set the record straight i did fuck up too. please be cognizant of that. i am not an innocent or naive victim or a manipulated bastard. to this day and as of last night he told me if i needed anything i could still count on him. the same is true here.

but now i will start dating again (not anytime soon, nor will i have sex with another anytime soon -- and i wont be doing him anytime soon either). it's still too soon for me to say how i will react to him but i honestly feel relieved at this point in time. i thought id be more fucked...but this has been a long time coming and i may have started disconnecting 2 weeks ago when he told me he was single. also, when we ended the conversation last night he was more flustered than i was.

as mentioned before, thank you for all your support through my bitching. i could not have done this without you and you have been indispensable for most of my current life journey. i look forward to meeting you all in vegas as well.

if he wants to date again in the future i will. he did not use me anymore than i did him. i am content with the resolution (at this time) and will continue to move forward with my life and contribute to my peeps as i have done before.

Dude....Duuuuuuuuude.... COME ON! Man you better be glad I'm not one of your friends in person because I would be giving you hell over this.

It's time to move ON.

I can't keep responding to this it's making me kinda angry at you. I hope things work out well, and my advice is to distance yourself from this person for a really long time so you don't have the emotional attachments that are obviously clouding your judgment.

Codependency abounds! You need to know the importance of boundaries. Why would you want to remain in contact with him as friends?

Right on Cliff! D, based on your responses to others and that you have now reverted to defending him clearly demonstrates that you are still so stuck in your codependency (note that codependency is an addiction or a disease, much like alcoholism or drug addiction, as others have pointed out) and that you're making all the points that show you have not yet "reached rock bottom" in the progression of the disease. Problem is that I can tell you this until I'm blue in the face - it's going to take you to hit rock bottom and acknowledge it before any change happens. Just like they say in AA, "You're not done. So, here's $20, go out and get drunk again and come back when you've had enough."

Focus on the forward progression guys. He dropped the guy. Now he just needs to make sure not to relapse again.

Good point! But the pitfall is that he doesn't need Mr. Gonorrhea to repeat the pattern. My crystal ball shows the relapse will happen with a guy who's just like Mr. G, but it will be so subtle at first, nobody including D will even notice. Eventually it will all fall apart again.

I'm with Cliff and I just keep wondering why on earth would you want to have any contact with him? That's "addiction" as well as self-abuse, plain and simple. While I'm really sad for you, I do wish you the best!

Logged

Do not condemn the judgment of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong.

okay, im a lil codependent. but i did break it off. and im fine. i dont know if i will get back with him but im not opposed to it. i still care about him and want the picture to be painted fairly. i had a great valentine's day with him. i enjoyed a lot of our conversations. and he did let me in and i let him in.

there is still respect and we did not go down in flames. i believe the way people end relationships speaks highly to their natures. i remember watching him give homeless people money. i remember watching help others in his life when he was in dire straights. i also remember him helping me. he is a good person. he made mistakes as did i. i want his humanity to show through as well.

and i drink a lot. i probably am an alcoholic as well as codependent. but i still handle my business. he hasnt come back yet. and frankly he would have to work at it and he will not. he's still too hurt from his former relationship to come to a point where he would proactively work on a healthy relationship.

we all have problems. im a good person and so is he. he never verbally abused me. he was selfish at best and im not gonna hate him for this. he is still going through a lot of shit in his life. ive taken a step back but im not gonna completely abandon him. he is prideful like most men and will most likely not reach out for help. he is excessively stubborn and will most likely not call me for a few weeks if he calls at all. he needs his space too.

with that said WE BROKE IT OFF. i am single and so is he. imma let that be. and i do feel relieved. im not gonna risk this breath of fresh air to be where i was yesterday and over the last few weeks.

thank you again for everything. and yes, if this shit happens again you can chastize me or not respond. but ill still give you my 50 cents on what ur going through.

I'm not going to respond after this. D, you obviously really don't want our true opinions, because when we give them to you, you rush to his defense.

So, just put up with it; but quit complaining.

quit complaining -- i will do no such thing, lol.

seriously betty, the man fucked up. but he didnt fuck me up too badly. im here about to go to the gym. you all helped me out and i do appreciate that. he's a bit of an ass but he's not a bad person, that's what im saying.

and i completely disagree with you that i dont want your true opinions. i would expect and want nothing but the truth. i may not like it, but i wouldnt want anything else. you better be in vegas...

What's the point of a good friend if you can't snap at them every now and then. I'm sure he understands.

This ain't easy stuff. In the past, I found that I overemphasised what he meant to me during these times. But in truth, he ain't responsible for my happiness, life. In time, I figured out that I didn't need anyone to make me happy or feel valuable.

But then again, it took me moving to another country to sort that out.

Am I to believe what I am reading? Though I am buzzed about now too....D, you have dropped the scrub? Thank the Goddess!!!!! We all go through a lil seperation withdrawl when a relationship ends. My fave saying, "Time heals all wounds" or something to that effect. You'll get over it and this too shall pass..

Now I will admit that I skimmed over most of this thread but I saw a few comments that made me pause to wonder if you are truly that much of a hopeless romantic, naive, or just plain stuck on stupid. This guy burned you twice and you are still convinced he was not cheating. What am I missing here, he caught the clap before he got with you and went untreated? And decided to give his lovely gift to you twice..Who in their right mind would not get treated...I can't wrap my head around that and it hurts to try.....At least you dumped the guy, now get rid of all reminders of him....You know you haven't done that yet. Probably spent a few nights looking at his myspace or adam4adam account.

You know what you need, right? A bitch slap from me, from the heart but with love.....

I took off my comments before because it was too harsh and I guess I was angry and wanted you to dump the guy. Sorry if I was not more sympathetic but I have been burnt many times and I guess I was venting my anger in your direction. However, that guy is a user and you are addicted to him. Maybe nothing anyone can say will make you change, but it does not matter for only you can change yourself. It is like the old joke which goes, "How many psychologist does it take to change a light bulb.... Well, it takes one, but the light bulb must want to change." Something in you wont let you see that he is not only bad for you but dangerous for your mental health. And guess what, I hate giving advice in this case cause I know the out come. You will follow your heart even if it is the wrong decision. Been there and done that. I just wish you the best and hope everything will turn out alright.

Am I to believe what I am reading? Though I am buzzed about now too....D, you have dropped the scrub? Thank the Goddess!!!!! We all go through a lil seperation withdrawl when a relationship ends. My fave saying, "Time heals all wounds" or something to that effect. You'll get over it and this too shall pass..

Now I will admit that I skimmed over most of this thread but I saw a few comments that made me pause to wonder if you are truly that much of a hopeless romantic, naive, or just plain stuck on stupid. This guy burned you twice and you are still convinced he was not cheating. What am I missing here, he caught the clap before he got with you and went untreated? And decided to give his lovely gift to you twice..Who in their right mind would not get treated...I can't wrap my head around that and it hurts to try.....At least you dumped the guy, now get rid of all reminders of him....You know you haven't done that yet. Probably spent a few nights looking at his myspace or adam4adam account.

You know what you need, right? A bitch slap from me, from the heart but with love.....

Yes, Dragon we do...But some still look at things through rose colored glasses instead of acccepting the reality of it all. We know the world is not full of love, that went out with Woodstock. Though some would like to think we could get those warm fuzzy feelings again...It's not happening, its 2010, it's not about how much I love you but instead, what have you done for me lately or ain't nothing going on but the rent....lol....feel me?

D, snap out of it man.....come into the light so you can embrace the real world.....

Yes, Dragon we do...But some still look at things through rose colored glasses instead of acccepting the reality of it all. We know the world is not full of love, that went out with Woodstock. Though some would like to think we could get those warm fuzzy feelings again...It's not happening, its 2010, it's not about how much I love you but instead, what have you done for me lately or ain't nothing going on but the rent....lol....feel me?

D, snap out of it man.....come into the light so you can embrace the real world.....

I guess meant to convey was that people will go in their own direction even if it sucks. But I agree with you for I just toss my "rose colored glasses" months ago and I gave up on those "warm fuzzy feelings" cause they never lead me to anything good. Althought, I feel that it always been "what you have done for me lately."

I guess meant to convey was that people will go in their own direction even if it sucks. But I agree with you for I just toss my "rose colored glasses" months ago and I gave up on those "warm fuzzy feelings" cause they never lead me to anything good. Althought, I feel that it always been "what you have done for me lately."

You know, if you guys think about it I was right in how I originally voted, and I was the lone vote at that. I voted that he should "think about it longer" and that's exactly what he's done. It's not that I thought it was the right thing to do, I just knew he wouldn't do it any other way.

Since I am still the lone vote for "think about it longer" shouldn't I have some sort of symbol by my name or avatar recognizing this? I'd even accept having my screen name appear in green or something. just as long as it's different than everyone else's here. There's gotta be something, even a crown or halo would suffice...

Since I am still the lone vote for "think about it longer" shouldn't I have some sort of symbol by my name or avatar recognizing this? I'd even accept having my screen name appear in green or something. just as long as it's different than everyone else's here. There's gotta be something, even a crown or halo would suffice...