SIL mourning her cycle

My brother and sister-in-law have been TTC for about a year or so. It has been difficult for them, and my SIL is depressed.

For about the past 4 months, she is saying that she's "grieving" when she starts her monthly cycle. She says that she is "suffering the loss of my egg" or that she "lost another egg." She tells us she is mourning, and she expects family and friends to offer condolences.

In short, she gets offended when family members do not express sympathy for her getting her period. In fact, some people are avoiding/ignoring her.

I am wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way and can offer any insight into this? What can family members do? What is appropriate?

Comments (11)

If it was me going through that situation, I would want someone to tell me something kind and supportive without crossing the boundaries.

For example, maybe give her some kind words like, "Maybe that just wasn't the right egg", "Maybe next month the egg will want to be a baby" (That might not be the best way to put it... Reword those). Just let her know that TTC can take a while, but in the end it will be worth the wait because she will end up with a great child!

I think that the egg and sperm have to be strong to form a healthy child, and it's much easier to have a healthy pregnancy if the right egg/sperm come together. I guess if the wrong two were paired, it could end badly with a miscarriage!

So, I'm not sure if those things are true, but I think it might be helpful for her to hear "silly" supportive things like that, that will help reassure her that if she's meant to be a mom, she will get to be. She is only making it worse by mourning the loss of each and every egg. :(

I don't think it's normal. :( I think it may be her own way of coping with unsuccessful attempts at TTC. Maybe you should have your brother point her in the right direction of a counselor. Either someone to help her in her attempts at conceiving, or a counselor who specializes in women's issues. I can imagine a counselor would be more able to help her cope with this type of "loss", despite that it's not really a loss... Just a natural bodily function when a woman isn't pregnant.

I understand her being upset, because she hopes her egg will become a baby, but it isn't a baby when it's just an egg. It's a tiny egg, and maybe it just isn't the right one.

Try to support her in any way you can, even if you don't understand her point of view. How does your brother feel about this?

I have never been in your SIL situation before, but I understand that women still can grief over not being able to get pregnant. Your dreams get crushed and your hopes dissapear. It does sounds like she is a little bit intense about her grief tho. The only thing that I could think of is maybe try to find some stories/books for her with the positive outcome...like if someone could not get pregnant for a long time end up with children afterward. I don't know if she is a believer or not, but I believe that God has a plan, it is not always in our timing or the way we picture it, but if we just wait and give Him a chance He will reward us for it.

I know a woman who had her first son (he is a teenager now) then she could not get pregnant for about 7 years. Now she is pregnant with her 7th child. How awesome is that?! There were no reasons for her not get pregnant for 7 years, it was just God's plan for her.

I remember being depressed when I got my period, but I didn't expect others to really give it much thought. I think some people are just more open with their emotions and it throws others off. I'm very open with my family so they knew every time I started my period because I wanted to talk about it to get it off my chest. Just send her positive messages every now and then to let her know you're thinking about her and care. But try to keep it positive so you don't depress her any further. It probably depresses her even more if she feels alone in her sadness about it.

I have had losses and am dealing with infertility. I personally wouldn't say i am grieving over the loss of an unfertilized egg but I do think it is hard to have high hopes each cycle and to have them crushed with the approach of AF. It's a rollercoaster of emotions.

I greived my two losses but would get angry and be disappointed on the BFN cycles. Infertiltiy sucks- it is a constant slap in the face that your body can't do the things that it was designed to do. The thing that so many have such an easy time doing.

Has she started seeing a fertility specialist? There are so many tests that can be run on her and her husband. Going to a specialist gave me hope, that with science and proper medicine I could get pregnant and carry to term.

I personally don't appreciate the "God's plan" and the "it was meant to be" comments they hurt me more. In my case, an I'm sorry, do you want to talk about it helps alot more than giving out false hope. Perhaps it helps some people overcome their grief but please understand that that comment does not help everyone.

I understand that deferred dreams can feel like horrible losses, but I'm thinking counseling may be helpful in this particular situation.

Saying it's "God's plan" or other platitudes can really upset people. I don't think that pointing out that she may not be mourning eggs if she is not ovulating would help either, but maybe encouraging her to see a fertility specialist could help her (they recommend it after one year of actively "trying" - 6 months for over 30/35).

If you can do it without coming across as being patronizing (bless you) - just LISTEN and let her know she is loved regardless of how things turn out.

I would humor her she is obviously super upset. I would tell her your sorry for her loss and maybe get her a card each time. She probably needs and wants some kind of support so I would give it to her and just listen. I hope she gets her little miracle sooner rarher then later.

Each person reacts differently when faced with infertility. As someone who had been dealing with infertility and loss for 51 months, I can say that I mourn the end of my cycle (and every cycle gets worse, and all of the medications do not help), even though I may not express it as your SIL does.