A White-Knuckle Ride Home, and a Few ‘Awful Super Groups’

When I arrived at work on Sunday the place was a-buzz with snow-talk. I knew nothing of this, and Toney is usually all over such things. Some of the more dramatic people were claiming that a foot of the stuff would be on the ground by morning. But snow predictions are like politics, it’s best to ignore the crazies on both ends of the spectrum.

I checked it out on my phone, and it appeared that some snow was indeed on its way, but only about three inches. The timing wasn’t good, though. Accuweather said it would be coming down “heavily” after midnight, and that’s when I would be driving home. But I could deal with three inches, I told myself. Nothing to be concerned about…

However, as the evening progressed, the prediction of accumulation changed multiple times. It went from three inches, to four-to-six, to six-to-eight, and finally… eight-to-ten. What the hell, man?? And my gas light had come on in my car, as I was pulling into the parking lot earlier in the day. It might be an interesting ride home.

And it was. When I left work, there was already four or five inches of snow on the ground, and NONE of the roads had been touched by a plow. It was just pure, undiluted snow for the entire ride. And it was coming down like a freakin’ Christmas special out there.

I slipped and slided my way to an exit off I-81, where there was a Sheetz gas station. The exit is a long swooping ordeal, and it appeared that not another vehicle had yet negotiated it. There was a pronounced rectal-cinching.

But I kept my car on the road, and eventually came to a red light. Funk dat. I went straight through it, without even a hint of slow-down. And when I arrived at the next red light, I did the same thing. While driving in a snowstorm, it’s important to maintain a sensible and consistent speed. And I was the only idiot out there, anyway.

Incredibly, there was a bunch of derelicts hanging out at Sheetz. There’s a general seediness to that part of town, but during the storm of the century?? There was a questionable character by the front door with a long scar down his neck, and a green Army jacket. He was smoking (needless to say), and just stared at me as I walked past. Not a fan of the staring…

I gave the unfriendly shitsack cashier thirty bucks cash, and put a few gallons of gas into my tank. As I was completing the task (it didn’t take long, at $3.25 per gallon), several hunk o’ junk vehicles arrived, carrying dodgy characters with poor grooming habits, and raspy-voiced women with high heels and a beer gut.

I made it out of there without being stabbed, and returned to Interstate 81. And mister… it was not fun. It was just totally snow-covered, and nothing had been done to the road, whatsoever. It was still pouring, and cars and trucks were sliding all over the place. I saw a few that were completely off the highway, and I watched a guy in a pick-up truck do a full 360-degree rooster-tailing circle — on 81! Actually, it was more like a 390-degree circle, and he ended up near (or against) the guard rail.

Going across Montage Mountain sucked, and every muscle in my body was in a state of perma-flex. I didn’t think I would crash, but I knew there was a very good chance of me getting stuck somewhere. I’m not inexperienced when it comes to driving in snow, and was having trouble keeping it under control.

But I made it to my exit, and went sideways up the hill toward our house. That was the most touch-and-go part of the whole journey. I barely made it, but I finally landed in our driveway. As I turned off the engine, I realized I was completely stressed. It had taken more than 90 minutes to travel 36 miles (with one gas station detour).

I went inside, grabbed a Yuengling, and let Andy (Black Lips Houlihan) frolic in the snow, and create a steaming brown spot in the white, etc. There must have been near a foot of accumulation at that point. It was insane. And just two or three days earlier, it was 75 degrees out there.

Yeah, it was the worst or second-worst ride home from work so far. But I made it, without needing fresh underwear and ointment, like Nostrils during a Southern rainstorm. I want the record to reflect that, thank you very much.

And I’ll leave you now with some Twitter ridiculousness. A couple of days ago someone started something called #awfulsupergroups, where you’re supposed to post absurd musician combos, like Boyz II Men at Work. You know, that kind of thing.

Comments

Dead Can Dance Hall Crashers
Big Black Sabbath
Minutemen at Work
Ugly Kid Joe Jackson
Biz Markie Mark and the Funky Bunch
The Bouncing Souls of Mischief
Cheap Trick Daddy
Superdrag the River
Rare Earth Crisis
Nitty Gritty Dirt Band of Horses
Goodbye Harry Belafonte
Rollins Band of Gypsys
High on Firehouse
Son House of Pain
B.B. King Diamond
Manfred Manowar
Neil Young MC
General Public Enemy
Sonic Youth Brigade
The Mr. Mister T Experience
System of a Down By Law
My Dying Trailer Bride
Twisted Sister Sledge
Great White Zombie
2 Live Cutting Crew

Check out the decent AWD sedans out there.
Audi’s, BMW X-Drives, Subaru’s some of the VW’s, etc…
Put decent winter tires, not all seasons! Then check out when your local Audi club is offering frozen lake driving clinic on a weekend.

Never pucker for winter driving again, just weave your way through all the SUV’s on their roofs.

The other year I was shopping for a car; I wanted a four-door sedan with all wheel drive and a stick shift. There are damn few cars made that fit that description. Other than what Max mentioned, I think Volvo makes one. If you don’t mind driving an automatic, there are a few more choices.
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My Subaru is a AWD stick shift, although technically it’s a five door. Tough, capable cars Subarus (this is my third). I have never got stuck in snow in mine. Sounds like you have similar vehicle requirements as me, I like AWD, don’t want an overweight monster, must be stick. Audis are too overpriced. Same for the Lexus IS AWD.

I ended up buying the Audi A4, whose price was surprisingly reasonable at $24k base. This was 11 years ago, so YMMV. Besides the extra traction on slippery surfaces, I found it handles far better than the FWD version of the same car (or VW Passat, same thing) even on dry roads. Of course you have no ground clearance so you’ll still get high-centered if you’re not careful, but then again you don’t have to put up with driving a truck for the other 360 days a year.
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I think them there Subarus are some smart looking cars.
I currently have two toyota Echoes. One’s a stick, one’s not. I prefer the stick. During the recent white death in OKC I had no problem getting around while I watched all manner of rednecks in trucks and suv’s spin all over the place. OKC isn’t as hilly as PA or Cincy, but it has some hills.
My next car (the two are a combined 20 yrs old with 400K miles) will be another Toyota or something like a subaru.
I’d like a hybrid, but I don’t think I can justify the cost.
And I like those Smart cars but I’d look way to faggy getting in and out of one. Nelson Muntz would laugh at me and I’d have to publicly kick his ass.

There is no need for all wheel drive in a family sedan driven by a non car enthusiast. While it would have helped up the hill, it doesn’t help you stop or turn any better. (Hence the idiots in SUV’s on their roofs.) The 24/7/365 negatives (weight, cost and complexity) are not overcome by the 2 times a year that one needs the extra traction.

You hit the nail on the head with decent winter tires though. I posted this the last time Jeff was shopping for tires but he went with all seasons (which are a compromise in all seasons and generally suck.) A fwd Camry with winter tires is better than an awd Subbie with all seasons. The proper tires can transform any car. I should know, I drive a 330hp rwd Mustang in Ottawa winters without issue.