Getting sick of being treated this way

I am 22 years old and I live with my mom. We are not on welfare, but due to personal circumstances I have to live with her. She constantly tells me that I am a burden, and she drinks alcohol too. She's not the type of alcoholic that would neglect their housework or other responsibilities but she is verbally abusive when she drinks. She tells me how I'm nothing but a burden if I make a mistake at something, and if I misunderstand her, she gets mad at me. She has started criticizing me on my appearance. saying how I don't dress in a way other people dress, yet she buys all of my clothes since if I buy any clothing that I notice other RESPECTABLE girls wearing, she complains, saying how the clothes are ugly on me. Then she will criticize my clothes when I wear what she bought me. She says how I have an ugly face, which I have started to "fix" with creams since I do have some acne. I do try to keep myself looking good, it just seems that it will never be good enough no matter how much I do to try to please both of us. When I was in high school, I got 100% on an English test, mom read it and only read until she read one misspelling that I did. She refused to read the rest of the assignment, saying how I shouldn't be given 100% because of that one fact.

Recently she got drunk after drinking about twelve drinks, and I was gone to bed. She called her brother, who is my uncle, and lives far away from us, and he asked her if she was drinking while on the phone, since her voice was loud and slurred. She brought the phone up to me in my room, and whispered to me to tell him that she is not drinking, and she sat right next to me to make sure that she did it. I said that no, she wasn't drinking, but my uncle could tell I was lying even though I tried to use my normal tone of voice. I would have told the truth but mom was right beside me to make sure that I told him that she was not drinking, and made it feel like someone was holding a gun to your head while you were on the phone and made you say the words they wanted you to say, and if you didn't, they would pull the trigger and blow your head off. I know many of you probably haven't had a gun pointing at their head(and neither did I)but maybe some of you have felt the way I have felt.

I really hate mom's drinking, she refuses to acknowledge that she has a problem, and I hate it so much that I dreamed a few weeks ago that she had quit drinking, and the dream seemed so real I woke up convinced that she quit drinking and because I believed that she quit drinking I felt happy. It was five minutes later that I realized it was all just a dream.

Thursday night she drank eight drinks and got bitchy at me if I left the room to go read or do something by myself, but the real reason I would leave the room was because she was drinking, yet she refuses to acknowledge that she has a drinking problem.

My mom is verbally abusive too. I am epileptic and take medication for it, and Thursday, at one point mom had been looking through the cupboard of pill bottles and said if anyone were to see that it was embarassing because they were all for me. Saying how I am an embarassment because of the clothes I wear which are not children's clothes and I make sure they suit the temperature and season, and that they are not revealing at all, and saying how I am an embarrassmennt because of the medications I take which do not affect me mentally, they just prevent the seizures from happening causes me to have less self-confidence then I already have. If I had the money, other family to live with, or friends, I would not be living with my mom at all, since it has proven to be nothing but a nightmare. I thought about going to a shelter, but according to news reports I have recently viewed; all of the shelters are overcrowded right now and they have unfortunately had to turn away people. I have tried to commit suicide but failed obviously, and am seeing this counsellor who only sees the black and white and refuses to see the grey. She will listen to mom since she is mom's friend but she won't listen to me. I admit, I am far from perfect and have admitted my faults in the past but when it comes to my mother, she has no faults at all.
I would find another psychologist but I am only allowed to have one psychologist, that's what the government pays for, and I can't afford to pay for another one on my own, so I am stuck seeing this biased one, and if it wasn't for the fact I am living with mom I would be seeing a much better psychologists since psychologists are not supposed to be one-sided. For example, once mom broke my laptop in half after my ex-boyfriend (who I broke up with three weeks before she did this) gave my e-mail address out to 47 people in the United Kingdom, saying I was looking for cybersex. Mom had been drinking at the time, and I have now found that it is after her third drink that she becomes really bitchy. Anyway, I told mom what my ex-boyfriend did, and she went and took my laptop and snapped it in half. Then she claimed how it was all my fault that she did it, even though we never once had any problems with the computer before until I told her what happened. I admit, it was PARTIALLY my fault that she did it since I shouldn't have told her when she was DRINKING. The psychologist was told about my mom breaking the laptop (my mom told the psychologist this) and the psychologist just said "Oh. Sometimes things like these we have no control over." That pissed me off, since I don't know what she meant and I just didn't feel like asking what she meant since she always takes my mom's side no matter what I tell her so I figure she meant that mom had no control over breaking the laptop therefore she had no responsibility for that happening.

I was at a doctor's office wiaiting room a while ago and noticed this pamphlet on verbal abuse. I looked at it, and saw that I matched many of the things I was feeling in this relationship. I feel I can never do anything right for her, since she is my mom I have been believing that I desrve to be treated this way (she calls me names like the "Queen "Bitch" and how "Everything is a lie", when I don't lie all the time, but if someone tells a slightly different story than I tell than I was lying apparently),and I feel helpless since I can't go asking for the psychologist to help, I have no other friends or close family to live with, so I don't know what to do. Suicide has been appearing as the only option but every attempt I make doesn't work so I must be pretty stupid since I can't even get that right. And mom doesn't know about the suicide attempts, thank god or else she would say something pretty nasty again, since the last time she found out about a suicide attempt I made she called me a "stupid, selfish fucking bitch."

Also listed in the emotional abuse pamphlet was if she destroys property. In the past, she broke a bed desk I had that I used to use to do homework on by beating me with it(this was a few years ago, I don't have it now) and a couple of years ago she broke my laptop in half. I am supposed to be recieving $300 as disability coverage from the government, but mom takes that, claiming that it is "rent" money and I wouldn't mind her taking it so much if she wasn't so emotionally abusive.

Sorry if this is a "poor me" thread, it isn't, I just don't know what to do since I have nowhere to turn and asking the psychologist I have is useless and getting a new psychologist is out of the question since mom would find out, even if I continue to see the psychologist she likes plus my own psychologist. Mom refuses to see my point of view, I either agree with her or get bitched at. So I agree that I'm ugly, unworthy of life, and nobody will ever like me, these are some of the things I have to agree with apparently.

Hi and welcome...you sound like a prisoner to a very abusive captor...what plans can you make to gain your independence? Online courses? Any other training? Is there a way to make it impossible to see the 'therapist' (how unethical and she should be reported) due to any conflicts? Is there any group or church you are affiliated with? See if there is a way to extend your activities and get some freedom...you deserve to live better

I plan on saving up enough money and getting my diploma in records management so I can live on my own. What do you mean by asking if there is a way to make it impossible to see the threapist? There is no way to make it so I can't see her, as mom is checking in with the therapist to make sure that I see her. I'm not a part of any church, and if I had any friends I wouldn't be home as often. Mom hates me being home or outside by myself, I have no CLUE as to why she doesn't trust me, I won't burn the place down. She's got it writtenin stone in my mind that I'm a horrible person, she's made that clear.