Reviewed: 31 Dec 2013 Next review: 2016

Emotional effects of cancer

You and your partner’s feelings

A diagnosis of cancer often means you’ll experience a wide variety of emotions. These may include shock, anxiety, sadness, relief, guilt, uncertainty, anger and – for some people – depression. You and your partner may have different feelings, and you may feel different things at different times.

Anxiety and uncertainty

You may be anxious about the future, the treatment and how you’re going to cope. When cancer is diagnosed, it can take away your sense of security and control. Feeling uncertain about the future can be one of the most difficult things to deal with. It can cause tension between you and your partner.

Denial

Some people deny what is happening and just want to carry on as normal. Doing this may give you some ‘breathing space’. But it can also stop you from getting the treatment you need. You may find that your partner is denying your illness. They may appear to ignore the fact you have cancer, perhaps by playing down anxieties and symptoms or by deliberately changing the subject.

Anger

Many people often feel irritable or angry during this time. Anger can hide other feelings, such as fear or sadness. You may direct your anger at your partner because you’re close to them. You may both feel resentful of the changes that the cancer has made to your lives.

Guilt and resentment

Sometimes people feel guilty about the changes their illness has brought. Your partner may feel guilty about not being able to manage or about feeling resentful and angry, even when they know it’s not anyone’s fault. You may feel guilty about not managing the changes that the diagnosis and treatment has brought on you and your family.

There may be times when you or your partner want to be left alone to sort out thoughts and feelings. It may help to reassure each other that even if neither of you wants to discuss your illness at that moment, you will talk about it when you’re ready.

What you can do

There are many things you can do that may help you cope with the changes cancer can bring in a relationship.

Exercise and diet

Physical activity helps our bodies release chemicals (endorphins) that lift our mood and lower stress hormones. Even just going for a walk each day may help.

Eating well and keeping to a healthy weight will help you maintain or regain your strength, have more energy, and have an increased sense of well-being. It can also help reduce the risk of new cancers, heart disease, strokes and diabetes.

Complementary therapies

It may help to use complementary therapies alongside your cancer treatment. They can be a good way of helping you cope with some of the stresses caused by cancer and cancer treatments. Many therapies are relaxing, and having an enjoyable experience may lift your spirits when you aren’t feeling your best. Some complementary therapies can also help to relieve specific symptoms or side effects caused by cancer or its treatments.

You should always check with your doctor before starting a new therapy.

Talk about how you feel

Communication plays a big part in any relationship. Talking about cancer and the impact it has can be an important way to help you both cope with it. But remember, you or your partner may not always want or feel able to talk.

Speak to others in a similar situation

You may find it useful to share your experiences with others. You can do this in Macmillan’s online community. Your partner may also want to use the community to talk with other people in a similar situation.

You may also want to go along to a support group, either on your own or with your partner. Most cancer support groups welcome partners, carers, family members and friends of people with cancer. Ask your cancer nurse about support groups for people who have the same cancer as you, or search for a group near you.

Write down your feelings

Some people find that it helps to write down how they feel. Keeping a diary may be a way of allowing you to express your fears and worries without having to talk them through. Blogs and social networking sites can be a good way to communicate with people who are going through similar experiences.

If you find it difficult to talk to your partner about certain things, you might want to show them something you’ve written that explains your feelings. Give them the chance to read it, so they can understand your feelings about the situation.

Plan activities

Make a plan to do things together with your partner. It could be going for a meal or to the theatre, visiting relatives, or taking a holiday. Not only will you have something to look forward to, but you’ll also have time set aside to be together.

Let your partner know how they can support you

Let your partner know if there are ways you’d like them to support you, or if there are things you’d enjoy doing, either alone or together. It may be that your partner would like to support you in more ways, but they are unsure about what you need from them.

You may find some benefit from you and your partner dealing with your cancer treatment together. It may be useful to have their help when it comes to making decisions or attending appointments. Working with your partner as a team can also be helpful if you have children who need looking after, or extended family you need to keep in contact with.

Talk to a professional

You are both likely to find your own way of dealing with your emotions. It’s important to remember that negative feelings and thoughts often pass, so you’re likely to feel better at some time in the future.

You may find it helps to talk to a professional in your cancer team, such as your cancer nurse, about how you are feeling. They can be a great source of support.

If you or your partner find that your feelings are so overwhelming that they stop you from being able to function in your everyday life, or if you’re becoming depressed, then it may be time to seek professional help.

Partners often try to protect each other by not being completely open about their fears and concerns. Sometimes it may help to bring things into the open with the help of a counsellor. It can help you both understand each other and may bring you closer.

There are different types of professional help and therapy available. These include talking to someone, such as your GP or a counsellor, psychotherapist or psychiatrist, or attending a group.

Your GP may put you in touch with a counsellor, or you can contact a counselling organisation. The hospital where you are being treated may also be able to offer you and your partner counselling or support.

Featured group

This group is for cancer survivors and people who have finished treatment. It is a space to discuss things like the physical and emotional after effects of cancer, returning to work, or trying to move on with your life.

Thanks

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