Wrestling With My Inner Demons :D

I’ve actually been pretty busy the past several months, but none of that managed to make it into my blog. The reason for that? I’ve been fraught with anxiety over it all.

However, it’s all good stuff! I’ve started a YouTube channel for my geeky culture videos, I’ve begun a local Geeky Grown-Up club and gotten the library to sponsor it, I’ve begun this year’s production of my WishStones (orgonite), and had my first-ever sale of those which went far better than I expected, and I’m back to working on my urban fantasy novel trilogy.

But the reason I’ve slowed down on my blog, my videos, my orgonite-making, my book-writing is all the same – I’m scared to bits, totally anxious over any and all of it and it’s gotten me practically paralysed with fear.

Totally not of the fun-ness.

All of my endeavors, including this blog, have to do, in some way, with putting myself out there, making myself vulnerable, opening my self – my best and most precious inner parts of me – up for rejection and disaster.

I’m scared to fail, I’m scared to be criticized, I’m scared to be rejected, to be thought foolish, to be ridiculed, to be dismissed as a nut or weirdo.

And I’m scared to succeed – because what happens then? Consistency is not my strong point, neither is organization, and if I try to make anything into any kind of consistent endeavor, I’m scared I’ll muck it up, it’ll be a disaster, I’ll get cheated, I’ll fail to fill orders, scared quality will go down with repetition, scared that I’ll have to deal with SPREADSHEETS!!!! AAUUGGHH!!!! (I positively loathe spreadsheets!) It’ll all be a confusing, bewildering mass of overwhelming disorganization and I’ll be feeling all kinds of terrified and chaos and there’ll be a rain of toads somewhere in there as well!

What if I make mistakes? What if people just look pityingly at me and condescendingly tell me that I just don’t belong among others who are far more ‘with it’ and ‘put together’ and ‘professional’ and far, far better at doing things than I can ever hope to be?

Am I completely freakin’ nuts to ever think I could be good at anything? I just want to hide under the covers with lots of plump pillows and my plush critters. Go away, world! Lara is busy hiding until everything packs up and goes away!

So yeah, scariness and anxiety.

But ya know – I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want these self-limiting feels to hold me down, and it’s the scariest thing in the world (and I’m sniffling back mucus and wiping tears as I write this post), but I know what I want in my life, I know how I want my dreams to come true and instead of waiting for a fairy godmother to come and wave her wand and do it for me (’cause it would still be me, at the end, living in that life, fears included if I don’t manage to beat ’em before then) so I’ve decided to not let myself get in the way of myself getting what I want.

So I’ve re-started editing the video I shot the footage for back in May, I’ve gotten back to work on my book again, and I’ve set up that Geeky Grown-Up club (20 or so members so far and we haven’t even had our first meeting), and I had that WishStone sale, and I’ve started making more WishStones. And I’m so, so, so freakin’ scared while I’m doing it all, but I’m doing it anyway! (Except I’m careful to not be all stressed when I’m making the WishStones, because that messes them up,. I can manage to be calm in those moments because it’s really fun to make them :D)! And I’ll be going to a blogger convention in a few days where there’ll be loads of other people that will likely be better dressed, more poised, more savvy and generally more everything than my own personal hot mess of a self.

I figure that eventually, the fear will give up and go away as long as I keep moving forward doing what I want. When I go for it and the sky doesn’t fall, and I can positively manifest the experiences I want to have and my worries are proven to be unfounded, I figure those worries will dissipate.

So if you happen to stumble across me somewhere, curled up in a fetal position, whimpering and having a stress-moment, don’t worry, I’ll be ok. I’ll get back up on the horse (not a real horse – I’m acrophobic and horses are way high up there) and get back to whatever it was that I was doing.

But hugs are always appreciated. And if you need a hug too, I’ll be happy to oblige – as long as you’ve got a reasonable minimum of good personal hygiene and don’t get grope-y. 😀

We’re all going to have our dreams come true, we just have to keep plugging away at it and it’ll happen, I just know it! 😀