Horror film

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

"That Kid" from all the Horror Films was cursed by Nosferatu for upstaging him during the filming of the 1922 classic. He is forever doomed to appear in cheap horror movies and their endless remakes, for all time, never growing old, never dying.

Horror films can be divided into two distinct categories: those that lack quality, and those that are not very good. Well that mainly goes to the remakes that are recently coming out. Horror films should not be confused with thrillers, where a character is simply acting paranoid due to an overprotective serial killer boyfriend.

Contents

Three backpackers go on a trip to place where no one can hear their screams. Up on hill they find an abandoned farmhouse coincidentally built over an Indian burial ground. Inside the farmhouse (where you will never come back alive) is inhabited by the ghost of a girl with really long black hair that hangs over her face. She used to live at the farmhouse but was soon after sentenced to life in a mental hospital. Long-haired girl was the daughter of a mysterious demonic figure who had both of his hands cut off in a fight with some sailors. He had no choice but to replace both his hands with a rusty hook (left) and a rusty spoon that he used to scoop up rusty souls. Two of the backpackers were put into something of what looks like a rusty reverse bear trap. Only one of the backpackers survived after being chased by a stampede of evil zombie clown with their hands cut off replaced with rusty chainsaws still with high battery power. The third backpacker lived to tell the tale in his great great grandchildren's dreams where he soon destroys them seconds after.

The history of horror movies is commonly thought to begin in the early 20th century with films such as 1910's 'Frankenstein' and 1922's 'Nosferatu'. Recent scholarly work suggests that the horror movie goes back further. Examples include:

'Beowulf'. The original Old English epic poem focused on Grendel stalking a group of scantily clad Scandinavian teenagers left alone at a Viking summer camp. The poem ends with the plucky heroine, Stacy Beowulf, slaying Grendel. However, the poem leaves room for a sequel: "So did Stacy Beowulf, skimpy clothes bestained with gore/ watch wounded Grendel, kin of Cain, sink into the misty lake of Camp Heorot to drown./ But wait: after she walks away, from the icy water does the hand of Grendel suddenly burst!"

'Oedipus Rex'. In the original 'Oedipus', King Laius stops at the Oedipus Motel, where he is savagely murdered in the shower by his son Oedipus, who then marries his mother, Queen Jocasta.

'The Book of Exodus', originally titled, "The Day After Pharaoh Pissed off God." The chapter focused on a group of young Egyptians trying to escape after Egypt comes under attack. Egypt is first visited by a plague of frogs, then a plague of locusts, and in the final plague: a giant scaly monster from the sea that had been awakened by a nuclear blast.

Horror films are actually quite popular with both sexes, but for different reasons. While the "official" reason is that they can induce high emotional states that later cause heated nights of passion among dating couples, there is a great dividing line between what one appreciates in such films.

From the female perspective, the horror film demonstrates a sense of drama and urgency, much like an argument between boyfriends, only much more intense, as this boyfriend is an unstoppable cyborg zombie killing machine with a twelve foot long machete.

It should be noted that the machete is always a phallic metaphor, which the female secretly enjoys. The impending arrival of the long spiky object through a woman's rib cage invokes subconscious imagery of the mating act. The suspense lies in who will get penetrated next, while the viewer watches in eager anticipation. Just so you know, the female subconscious is really messed up.

From the male perspective, everyone should get gutted, beheaded, torn apart, and chopped in half at least twice in the course of the film, otherwise it's a complete waste of time. The male viewer doesn't watch such films for suspense, as he knows most everyone will die anyway, and furthermore feels no reason why the annoying brats who populate such films should deserve to live anywhere, in any place.

So with this expectation in mind, the male viewer will shout "Dude that was awesome!" at each subsequent killing, as long as it demonstrates more detail and creativity than the last killing. And unlike the female viewer who won't stop screaming at the top of her lungs feels startled by such acts, the male viewer will often think about performing them on any number of passersby- that guy who sold you the movie tickets, the bank teller, the hot dog vendor who wears those funny hats, the guy who holds signs on the sidewalk and rotates them when he's bored, the guy who wears a bird suit at Red Robin, the guy who asks how you're doing today, the guy who bumped in to you accidentally, the guy who's driving in front of you, etc.

Although it should be said that the occasional female finds amusement in dragging timid friends to horror movies and then imitating the villain later just to freak them out. This is generally as payment for the popcorn the timid friend threw at them during the scariest bits (ie when she killed that poor little kittie...)

To some sensitive viewers, the question "How could you watch something so horrible" comes to mind. The same could be said of chick flicks.

The fact is that a good slasher film is by and large mindless, violent entertainment. You can turn off your brain, "veg out", and not miss a beat. Our own murderous nature is allowed to exist publicly, hearkening back to the days when nomadic tribes of roving proto-humans would scour the land looking for animals and rivals to beat to death, and then eat. These primal urges, largely repressed in today's society, still exist within us, and such grotesque cinematics provide an outlet for these urges to be recognized and dealt with.

As horror movies progressed through the ages we seen changes in what humanity was scared of. First there were ugly people, then there were gigantic monsters. Now its anything politically incorrect. The following paragraph will outline telltale signs that most modern horror films exhibit.

Horror films often exhibit the theory that if left alone, adolescents will form into cliques of psychopaths and lemming victims. In these horror films, adults are seen as dangerously skeptical fools, jaded by their own several experiences with psychotic peers.

Horror films often exploit the dangerously slippery path into damnation modern youth exhibits; Having intercourse, preparing to have intercourse, kissing, experimenting with herbs, taking part in interracial activities (such as dancing), being mean to others, etc...

Horror movies effectively signify that the overpopulation of police are really useless and the underpopulation of virgins are the most useful.

The typical killer in horror is an expression of the dangers of a bad childhood, including spending too much time with relatives, being pushed around by even bigger psychopaths, or having a conservative Christian upbringing.

Often, horror movie villains will live in a totally secluded environment. This is not necessarily to provide a cheap way to explain away absence of authorities, but to heighten the fear of the killer, who doesn't even need food to survive all on his own.

Fear of the unknown and forbidden is employed in horror films. When characters stay on the ground floor of a place, things are usually all right. However when going upstairs or downstairs, danger is ever present. Bad things also occur in forbidden rooms such as the bedroom, bathroom, or kitchen.

Horror uses a sense of hypochondria to toy with the viewer. Knowing a pencil in the side can instantly kill, being whacked into a tree will split your skull open, or that tripping and falling can cause a broken leg, brings a sense of sheer terror to the viewer that more realistic wounds cannot.

Horror films exemplify the real dangers of those ugly, filthy people who live alone. Hillbillies are never good, taken to rape and incest because they can't get any chicks to fuck like normal civilized beings, taken to cannibalism because hunting is a lost art, and taken to witchcraft for revenge because they are all stupid and cannot understand forgiveness or the right to a fair trial.

Horror films show that all technology is evil; cars never start the first time, and weapons are useless. Not to mention the fact that even more evil technologies such as computers, televisions, and washing machines are all instruments of the devil. In some cases the killer is even seen as a sort of Luddite messiah, delivering humanity from the evils of technology. The killer never uses wicked things such as guns to kill people like a real serial killer. As they lurch faster than anyone else can run, just imagine how much quicker they'd be killing people on a bicycle! Also ever since the invention of commercial cellphones slashers can seemingly generate EMP fields in a 5 mile radius around them and are invisible to satellites and aerial photography.

The villain of a horror movie never really dies, they just live on farm upstate called Hell until the sequel.

A sense of foreshadowing may be used with characterization.

People who are too attractive die.

People who are too ugly die.

Those who are too interesting, and have gimmicks that set them apart from the main characters die.

People of African descent are likely to... live, just to surprise the audience.

Cute animals and babies never die in horror movies, so make sure to shield yourself with them.

Those who are cowardly and run from danger are more prone to death than brave idiots who walk willingly into traps.

Those who use humor to try and lighten the mood are more likely to die than those hysterical and paralyzed with fear...except for Bruce Campbell.

The older a character is, the more likely they are to die (Thankfully this is perfectly fair, as older people are more likely to die anyhow!); and unlike fantasy anyone supernaturally old is automatically evil.

No one ever dies in church, so just become a monk or nun and live in a convent, unless you're fighting science monsters in which case become a professor of monsterology and narrate like your life depends on it.

Although we may see horror movies filmed on a movie set and fictional, they are actually very real. Unfortunately in human nature we find the need to capture every thing that happens in picture. There are some people who specialize in retrieval of such material. These are people who don't have lives and hang out in libraries and read newspapers to find hot spots where it has been reported that something supernatural or immensely grotesque. Although you may find this wrong, but when you watch a horror movie it is actually real. Due to most of these occurrences being due to communists trying to take the rest of the world down, by slowly but surely killing off the nation by taking out small groups of people at a time, the governments are hiding it and letting the horror hunters use this footage as movies.

Prior to putting this material on this website, it has been brought to my attention that it would be wise to give people a rough guideline as to how to survive when confronted by a soviet purifier (the name given to those who murder people for the greater good of the soviet empire)

If by chance you are black and reading this, do not under any circumstances agree to go on a camping trip with a group of white kids, they will get lost, they will find it a good idea to walk off. Once this happens local "purifiers" may categorize you as a criminal and thus an enemy of the communist system. You will be killed first.

When you are using a map, stick to it, it is geographically correct. All short cuts you see on the way to your destination that are not on the map are not on it for a reason, the government has already banished a killer there and taken that road off of the map so that only those likely to spy where they don't belong will go there.

Do not go upstairs, the Communists train the killers to do so. If by accident you do go upstairs, don't jump out the window, just hide somewhere until the killer leaves. Once he does, do not risk going down the stairs after him to escape somewhere else, just wait there a few days until he dies, as they are trained to.

When hiding, do not whimper. You may think they won't hear you, but they will. It is a known fact that any and all sound you make will be heard.

Don't be blonde, if you are, you will be killed for reminding the Soviets of the foolish Nazis.

Do not make love unless you are both virgins and plan on staying celibate together long after your ordeal is over, excess population is too costly for the Soviets to provide for.

When you get some sort of projectile weapon, and hit the killer in the head with it, DO NOT leave it on the ground beside them, as soon as you turn your back they will pick it up and you will be anally raped with it, as is procedure in the Purifiers' manual.

If you do manage to out-maneuver a highly-trained Purifier and put them on the ground, lift the most convenient thing to you and smash their face with it, if you don't it's only a matter of time before they get up.

If you hear strange noises or someone calling your name, don't go towards the sound or ask questions, the killers are clever enough to learn their intended victims' names. The best course of action if you hear your name being spoken is to just get the hell outta there!

In order to avoid the Purifiers' basic-stalking techniques: Do not go into the cellar.

I repeat, Do NOT go into the cellar. The cellar is a popular home base for n00b Purifiers.