My neighbors wife’s birthday is tomorrow, she’s like a spoiled brat...He said she told him she wanted something that went from 0-200 fast, and didn’t care what color it was. I suggested he buy her a bathroom scale.

4
posted on 11/09/2011 11:01:16 PM PST
by dragnet2
(Diversion and evasion are tools of deceit)

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.

The gas pump, of course, did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pumps haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, Greetings earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire.

The other alien shouted to his comrade, No, you must not anger him  but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?

The other alien answered, If there is one thing I have learned in my travels through the galaxy its if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, dont screw with him.

7
posted on 11/09/2011 11:11:48 PM PST
by patriot08
(TEXAS GAL- born and bred and proud of it!)

A guy decides to go see a psychiatrist. But before he goes, he strips naked and wraps himself in saran wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says “I know why you’re here”. The guy says “Oh yeah, how’s that?” The psychiatrist says “I can clearly see you’re nuts”

Three couples go to join a church. The pastor of the church tells them that to join the church they just abstain from sex for three weeks. Three weeks later they all return to the church and the pastor asks them how they did.

The first couple reported that since they had been married for so long, it was not an issue from them and they completed their assignment. They were welcomed to the church.

The second couple reported that is was more difficult, and the husband had to sleep on the couch a few nights, but they too completed their assignment. They were welcomed to the church.

When the last couple was asked how they did the husband responded: “Well we decided to paint the living room to take our minds off it. Linda went up the ladder to get some paint and she when came down in front of me, I could not help myself and I took her right there.”

The pastor responded: “Well son, I am sorry to say that after that you will not be allowed in the church.”

The husband says “Yea, well after that, we are not allowed in the Home Depot anymore either.”

One of my favorites has always been the old Navy parable/urban legend regarding the aircraft carrier vs the lighthouse. There are about 20 different versions of that joke available on-line.

Another favorite: A young lady is driving through a rural area when she sees a huge flock of sheep off the side of the road. She pulls over to flirt with the attractive herdsman. “If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock, can I have one?” The young man is taken aback by this question, but he's intrigued by this pretty brunette so he says “Sure, go ahead”. Much to his shock, the young lady correctly guesses the number of sheep in the flock. He bows with a grandiose flourish and says “Pick your sheep ma'am.” She saunters over, picks up one of the surrounding animals and lugs it back to the car. Just as she's about to drive away the shepherd stops her. “Ma'am, if I can guess your natural hair color... can I have my DOG back?”

A husband and wide are talking one night, and the wife asks the husband: “If I died, would you ever re-marry? The husband replies “Well I am still young, I would probably re-marry”.

The wife asks “If you remarried, would you let her live in this house?. The husband says “Well the house is almost paid for, yes I would let her live in this house.”

The wife says “Would you let her wear any of my clothes?” The huband says, “Well you have a closet full of clothes and they are very nice, so I supposed if she liked them I would let her wear your clothes.”

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said”Well yeah, if that’s what they areI never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer says, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

The farmer says, “Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini.” The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “168”. The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says,” What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini”. Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini”, and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “Uh, about 50.” The robot leans in real close and says, “So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?”

A guy was sitting in the nose bleed section of the stadium watching the kickoff of the Super Bowl when he spotted an empty seat on the fifty yard line maybe ten rows up. He quickly got out of his seat and made his way to it. He squeezed in next to a gray-haired, elderly man and asked, “Is this seat taken?”

“No, it's empty you can sit there.”

“Wow, thanks!" he answered.

“No problem”, the elderly man said, “It actually was for my wife. We went to the Super Bowl every year for the past forty years, but she died and this will be the first year without her.”

“Gee, I ‘m sorry to hear about that, but couldn't you have asked a relative to go with you?”, he asked.

“I would have”, the gentleman replied, “But they're all at the funeral.”

24
posted on 11/09/2011 11:26:00 PM PST
by boatbums
( Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us. Titus 3:5)

St. Peter says he only has one vacancy to fill his daily quota, and the guy with the best story of how he died will get in, so...

The first guy:

“I was feeling sick so I went home from work early, went to my apartment on the 40th floor and went to bed. But I got dizzy so I went out on the balcony for some fresh air, then I fell over the railing. I thought I was dead, but I managed to grab a balcony rail on one of the lower floors and I was hanging on thinking how lucky I was when a guy runs out and starts beating on my fingers with a hammer! I had to let go and knew I was dead. But then I hit the first floor awning and it broke my fall! I was hurting, but I was alive and thinking what a lucky guy I was when I looked up and saw this refrigerator coming down at me. I couldn’t move and it killed me.”

St. Peter was impressed, told him to stand to one side, and went to interview the second guy.

“At work I’d been hearing that my wife was cheating on me, so I left my job early and went home to confront her. But I live in a high rise apartment building, so I had to stop at the door and catch my breath before I could go in. When I opened the door, there was my wife, stark naked with a towel on her head. I screamed at her but she swore she’d just come out of the shower, so I started searching the apartment. I didn’t find anyone until I looked out on the balcony, and here’s this guy hanging on my railing! I grabbed a hammer and started pounding on his fingers so he let go. I figured I’d killed him but the lucky bastard hit the downstairs awning and I could see he was still alive on the sidewalk. I was so angry I went into the kitchen and rolled out the refrigerator, pushed it over the railing and watched it fall and crush the guy on the sidewalk. Then it came over me what I’d just done, knew my marriage was over, the police would come and I’d go to prison for murder, so I just jumped off the balcony and committed suicide.”

St. Peter said “Wow! That’s really quite a story. Stand over there while I get the third guy’s story.”

The third guy sighed and said: “Picture this: there I was, stark naked in a refrigerator...”

3 Preachers were on an RV trip together with their wives when a terrrible accident happened and all in the RV were killed. When they all arrived at the Pearly Gates, St Peter looked at the preachers and said:

“Preachers, I am sure that with you all being preachers and all, there won’t be a problem letting you in here. I am sure you understand I have to check my book first.”

He looks at his book and then looks at the first preacher and says: “Preacher I am sorry but it says here in the book that all your life you lusted for money. You never had any money, but all your life you lusted for it. You lusted for it so hard, that you could not get married until you met a wife named Penny. Preacher I am sorry, but I am just not going to be able to let you in here.”

He looks at his book and then to the second preacher and says: “Preacher, you ain’t gonna believe this but it says here in the book that all your life you lusted for alcohol. You never drank any alcohol, but all your life you lusted for it. You lusted for it so hard, that you could not get married until you met a wife named Sherry. Preacher I am sorry, but I am just not going to be able to let you in here either.”

The third preacher looked at his wife and said: “Well Fanny I guess we best be on our way then...”

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, “I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?”

“Of course,” the angel said, and when he touched the man’s back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively — “Don’t touch me!” he cried, “I’m on a disability pension.”

A Florida fan was driving down a country road when he came upon two Georgia football players hitch-hiking and told them to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a lake.

The Florida fan scrambled to the surface and swam to shore. When he looked back at the lake, the two Georgia football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck, looking frantic.

As the truck began sinking, the Florida fan yelled for the Georgia players to get out, to which they replied, “We’re trying, but we can’t get the dang tailgate open!”

A salty old Marine Sergeant found himself running a recruitment booth at a campus event hosted by a liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, attractive, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant and began a conversation.

“Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be very quiet. Is there something wrong?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations.

“It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, struggling to keep the conversation going, said “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Marine just looked at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!”

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to ‘relax’ him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Marine looked at his watch and answered in his serious voice, “I hope not; It’s only 2130 now.”

A guy goes out to buy an expensive negligee for his wife for their fiftieth anniversary. He asked the saleslady to gift-wrap it for him and, as she was quite busy, she hurriedly threw it in a gift box, wrapped it with gift paper and attached a bow. When the wife got home, her husband tells her, “I have a surprise for you. Go into the bathroom and take off your clothes and open your present.”

“Tee-Hee”, she giggled, and skipped girlishly into the bathroom. She sees the gift box, takes off her clothes, opens the gift and pulls out the nightgown. But the saleslady had left the price-tag on it. “One hundred and fifty dollars?!”, she exclaimed, “I can't believe he wasted so much money!” So she decides she is going to make him return it and steps out of the bathroom, stark naked.

“Well, what do you think?” she asks. He rubs his eyes, then blinks a few times, then says,

“Heck, for a hundred and fifty bucks you'd think they would have at least ironed it!”

37
posted on 11/09/2011 11:38:11 PM PST
by boatbums
( Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us. Titus 3:5)

Rosie O’Donnell and her driver are cruising down a country road one evening when a cow runs in front of the Mercedes. The driver tries to dodge the livestock, but ends up slamming into it, instantly killing the animal. Eyes brimming with tears, Rosie implores her driver to go to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggers back to the car in disarray. He’s holding a bottle of champagne in one hand and a cigar in the other. “How did it go?” Rosie asks.
“Well,” the driver says. “The farmer gave me this expensive champagne, and his wife gave me this cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad, passionate love to me.”
“My God,” Rosie says. “How did that happen?”
“I just walked up to the door and said, ‘I’m Rosie O’Donnell’s driver, and I just killed the cow.’”

Two blondes are walking down a street when one bends down to pick up a compact lying on the sidewalk. She opens it and looks in the tiny mirror and exclaims, “Oh my god, this person looks SO familiar!” Her friend grabs it and looks, and says, “Well, duh, it's me!”

42
posted on 11/09/2011 11:46:22 PM PST
by boatbums
( Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us. Titus 3:5)

The robot says, What will you have? The guy says, Martini. The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, Whats your IQ? The guy says, 168. The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, What will you have? The guy says, Martini. Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, Whats your IQ? The guy says, 100. The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, What will you have? The guy says, Martini, and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, Whats your IQ? The guy says, Uh, about 50. The robot leans in real close and says, So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?

My wife and I just happened to be having dinner at some place with some dumb entertainment once. They asked for folks to tell a joke. My wife nudged me to go on up and tell that one (years and years ago), and I beat out 4 other people and got our dinners and drinks for free!

46
posted on 11/09/2011 11:50:59 PM PST
by 21twelve
("We can go from boom to bust, from dreams to a bowl of dust....and another lost generation.")

My wife likes to talk during sex. The other night she calls me from a hotel...I found our milkman’s wallet on my lawn the other morning. He’s got pictures of my kids in there!My wife has cut our sex down to two times per month. I shouldn’t complain; she cut the other two guys out altogether.I get no respect - no respect I tell ya! I called the gambling hotline. They gave me two-to-one odds I’d fail!I called the suicide hotline. They tried to talk me into it!Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said. “I don’t know, kid ... there are so many places they can hide.”When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could - But he pulled through.”My girl phoned me the other day and said .... “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.My wife and I agreed to try and stop smoking. We made an agreement to only smoke after sex.
I’ve been on the same pack since 1983. Now my wife - she’s up to 3 packs a day.I was set up on a blind date once. I was told her name was Louise.
So I go to the place, and I find her. I ask her “Are you Louise?”
She says, “Are you Rodney?”
I said, “Yeah.”
She says, “Then ‘I’m not Louise.”My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.My wife woke me up one night saying sexy things. I looked up, and she was on the phone!I’ve got no sex life - the dog stays in my room so he can learn how to beg!
He learns from my wife how to roll over and play deadI was an ugly kid. My old man bought a new wallet, and kept the picture of the kid that came with the wallet!I went to the psychiatrist, and he says “You’re crazy” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, “Okay, you’re ugly too!”I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?”
She said. “No. I hate myself right now.”During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.I told my my wife our sex life was getting kind of boring. I wanted it to be exciting like it used to be.
She said “OK, Give me 50 bucks.”My wife and I have Olympic sex!! Once every four years.My wife said she wanted to have kinky sex. She tied me to the bed. I didn’t see her for three days.I bought a used car. I found one of my wife’s dresses in the back seat.

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