It's opposite week on American Idol. First the guys and girls switched performance nights due to a Crystal Bowersox medical emergency. Now, instead of Abbey Simmons, you get me, John Kubicek. I'm taking over for Abbey for one night only, so buckle up, because regardless of any medical issues:

In the intro, Lilly Scott is totally awesome and rocks my world with her super-fly gangsta moves. Bowersox is in the house and she IS performing, so that answers that question.

Crystal Bowersox"Long As I Can See the Light" by Creedence Clearwater Revival

Crystal's Secret: She has a twin brother who is a total square. Wait, do people actually use the word "square" to describe a lame person anymore? In my opinion, using that word makes her the real square.Her Performance: If she's sick, she hides it well, because this is a big, powerful vocal performance that shows a whole new side to Crystal that I love. She's not a street performer anymore to me, she's a girl with serious soul in her voice. Watch out, American Idol, because this Crystal is a real threat to win the whole thing.Simon Says: The judges all LOVE Crystal as a person. They also love her voice and her singing. Simon even admits that he "misunderestimated" her. He even compares her to Kelly Clarkson.

Haeley Vaughn"The Climb" by Miley Cyrus

Haeley's Secret: She likes to make headbands and hair accessories. I am not surprised at all.Her Performance: First, this song belongs to Aaron Kelly, who sang it in his first audition. Second, if you're going to sing Miley, you should sing "Party in the U.S.A." Third, she's not nearly as good as Miley, which isn't saying a lot. She tries to put some runs into it and the whole thing feels like a girl singing the song into her hairbrush during a sleepover.Simon Says: Randy Jackson calls it "excruciating." Kara DioGuardi calls her the female Alex Lambert, which, for me, is an insult to both of them. Simon doesn't want to make it any worse, so he just calls it "a complete and utter mess." Then he says that instead of climbing, she just fell off a cliff. I'd hate to see what he would do if he actually DID want to make it worse.

Lacey Brown"Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer

Lacey's Secret: She loves antique furniture. I guess she's gunning for that elderly gay male vote. It's definitely a new strategy.Her Performance: Wow, she's actually doing the exact song Kara told her to sing last week. That's a clever way to avoid any responsibility for song choice. It also proves Kara is a freaking genius, because this is great, with just enough difference from the original to make it her own. I loved it because she still has that Bjork thing going with her voice.Simon Says: Randy and Ellen Degeneres found it too similar to a karaoke version of the original, but I guess the judges didn't hear the tiny differences she added to it. Simon calls it marginally better than last week but compares her unfavorably to Crystal.

Katie Stevens"Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae

Katie's Secret: She can say "Give me a kiss" in six languages. That is a totally lame secret, but it should make backpacking through Europe after she leaves high school a lot more fun.Her Performance: Why does she insist on singing songs that would put a narcoleptic to sleep? Next week (if she comes back), she'll probably take on Norah Jones. She tries too hard to be a big diva singer, and that's just not who she is. Simon Says: The judges obviously love her, because instead of pointing out all the bad stuff, they become optimists, seeing the bright spots in a dreary, unimpressive performance. Ellen gets it right by demanding that Katie stop singing songs from her dentist's office.

Didi Benami"Lean on Me" by Bill Withers

Didi's Secret: She was her middle school's mascot and she also meows as a warm-up before shows. Those two things make me really like her.Her Performance: I enjoy it vocally, but this song is so far removed from how I envision Did Benami that it's too jarring. It feels wrong like when a dog is riding a unicycle. Yes, it's impressive that the dog can stay on the unicycle, but it doesn't make it any more logical.Simon Says: The judges agree with me that this song choice was so incredibly wrong for Didi's voice. Simon earns his bad guy merit badge by making Didi cry.NOTE: When originally writing this description, I accidentally typed Lilly Scott instead of Didi Benami. I think that's important, because right now Didi is just a less good version of Lilly.