Thursday, December 10

A euphoric respite

A recommendation: Do not read this. It is not a funny video or some quip. I am not sure why I wrote this other than to get it out of my head. Watch something funny instead. I recommend skipping it.

It's almost gone.

I have mentioned numerous times about the fact that I have migraines. I get more than I can handle. Occasionally there will be some respite, a half a day without some sort of pain or a couple of days with some just moderate amount of pain that is easier to deal with. However every great once in a while you will be rewarded with a bit of euphoria before or after a migraine. There are many strange features for people with migraines before and after. Everything from body temperature fluctuations to depression or strange lights(auras). I say rewarded because the euphoria is amazing. Everything becomes clear in the little while the condition exists. All things in the universe fall into place and you feel if you had this all the time you could change the planet. You desperately want to get out and create items of art and engineering. I see shapes interlocking and fitting that I never could grasp normally. It is what I believe religious fervency must feel like. No change that you feel god like. You become a black hole of information sucking at all strands of life. You want to become one with it all. You almost feel selfish because you hold in your hands what feels like the reason for it all.

Writing this is like trying to capture wind in a bottle.

You notice everything at once. You see what feels clearer than ever before. Did you know on the top of Starbucks cups they have the logo SOLO and it has two small different cups inside of it? Did you know that most street lamps have numbers? This is what the woman in the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy feels just before the Earth is blown up for a hyperspace by way. She understands it all and how it all could work. You feel as if you will die from the awesome reverence of the information. Unfortunately it is fleeting. You are sailing around the skies with angels and suddenly you have your wings clipped. You are back on the planet with everyone else. It makes you weep with inner sadness. I do not know if it is better to have seen it all or to never have the experience. The sadness is as strong as the euphoria. Your heart feels ripped from you. There was a short story from O. Nelson I read when I was in 10th grade about making everyone in the country equal by reducing all people's strengths to the lowest common denominator. If you were strong you were forced to wear shackles of weights to reduce your talent. There is a person describing what he sees in the story. He has a greater intellect. To equalize him he receives random shocks to the brain to disrupt his thoughts. This may very well be the saddest thing I have ever read.

It's almost gone.....

You want to run with wild animals in the sun through fields filled with noisy crickets. You want to be everywhere at once and bigger than a star. Every nerve ending is sending info. I can control my heartbeat and slow down time but not enough.You can pick out details in the dark.

As I try to hold onto the brightness I can feel darkness shrouding in. Even now I know pain is creeping up my neck making it stiff and uncomfortable. I am sad at this realization. Not depressed just soaked in sadness. My eyes burn with tears.

It's gone and I am crying.

As I experience everything I wrote about I had a constant companion. I could not have asked for anything better. It was all songs considered. They are doing their top 25 best. Give it a listen. They are great songs and worth it. I made it to the Decembrists songs while feeling all this.

gone....

I am sorry if you read this. I do not mean to be sappy or ever see myself as a poet. I am not and frankly never will be one.I really do not posses the words to describe these feelings. I just couldn't seem to get it out of my brain until I put it on screen.