The OA: Save your Time. (Spoilers)

So, in case you’ve not gotten this vibe from me yet, let me explain something: My husband and I are pretty obsessed with Sci-Fi. We love the fantasical. My hubby says everyone has their own flavor of nerd. Some people nerd over football; some over politics or science. My husband and I follow pretty traditional flavors of nerdiness: His is Spaceships and Laserbeams. Mine is Supernatural and Magic. This preview had both of us pretty well convinced both would be included, so we were all in from the get go.

And Netflix punished us for it.

Loads of spoilers ahead. Which you shouldn’t mind. Because it’s a terrible show and you shouldn’t watch it. (Although I watched Smallville for 9 years so I’m not really one to judge if you watch it even knowing it’s going to be bad.) Below review explains why.

Damn, it Feels Good to be a Gangsta.

First of all, let’s get this out of the way: OA stands for Original Angel. I had to watch like 4 episodes to find that out. Although I suppose I should have just guessed since I know OG is Original Gangsta. Basically the same likelihood of either being accurate.

Character Development

This is really the worst offense the show makes. Because they have so many characters, they spread themselves too thin. And we’re supposed to care about all of these people, because, as Alfonso says, they fill a familial role for OA. There’s OA, our heroine, her biological father. her adoptive parents, her 4 fellow captives, her captor and her 5 audience members. That’s 14 people we’re supposed to care about. And they only have 10 episodes. Most of which are under an hour. Some they developed, some they just ignored.

OA/Prairie/Nina

Not to be incredibly shallow, but why the hell isn’t a haircut on the list of things to do when she gets back to her life? Because it stringy and uneven and hanging in her face at all time is so distracting, I honestly am not sure she actually was developed any.

I do know it was pretty annoying how much she held against her adoptive parents. They medicated her, yes, but let’s be honest, what would you have done? She was having night terrors that gave her nose bleeds. You give your kid medicine. This is not something to hold against a parent; pity the parent for feeling like this was their only choice. And never once, by the way, did I see her resistant to these drugs. They did what they though was best for her.

And can we not forget, they saved her from, let’s not mince words here, a Russian Whore House. ‘Cause I’m sure if she’d have grown up there, the kind of men that frequent it would have been super kind to a blind lady.

The Johnsons

While we’re talking about that Russian Whore House, let’s focus on that. Abel and Nancy were out shopping for a baby one day (as one does) and decided rather than the cute helpless baby in this obviously terrible Russian Whore house, they’d just take the little blind girl. You may think for the obvious reason: because the little Blind girl was obviously going to fare worse in this situation. She was the wrong gender to survive a whore house that sells babies unscathed. She wasn’t a cute baby, so she’d never likely get adopted, whereas the little boy was probably sold, I mean adopted the next day.

But no. Nancy later tells us she chose Prairie because she was blind and her ego needed to be needed forever, not just while a child was young. So, basically, we learn Nancy is a terrible person.

French

Actually my favorite character throughout. Which really isn’t saying anything. But after spending so much time developing his character, they got me to like him just fine.

Buck

What a rip off. A transgender role which they minimize to only that aspect of him. Because the only thing worthy of note in a transgender teen’s life is the fact that he’s transgender? They spend more time on Alfonso’s drunk slutty mom than Buck’s denial-ridden Dad. And while, true, more kids have to deal with alcoholic parents than trans-denial (Just based on sheer statistical numbers, there) what a missed opportunity to explore that. Just another disappointment thrown in our faces.

Steve

I know we’re supposed to hate him; learn to tolerate him; pity him; then love him. They made it obvious with the plot and focusing on his really shitty parents that was the show’s goal. But they fell short. I never made it past hating him. He’s a twat and he stays a twat. In the middle of a mental breakdown where he’s faced with the real idea that the people that should care about him don’t; he realizes that the group that he’s been dancing with in an abandoned house do. So he responds completely appropriately: by stabbing OA in the leg with a pencil. Like, one of his last actions in the series. Shitty development.

And, I’m sorry, are we supposed to buy that this freakin’ psycho is just totally cool doing spirit fingers? I mean, really. They could have made those dance moves less idiotic, but they didn’t. They made them a cross between interpretive dance and Bring It On. And there’s no way a guy who stabs someone for being nice to him also does that in front of the whole school. Nope. Not buying it.

Scott

Did he have AIDS? I think he had AIDS. I guess it’s a good thing those sweet dance moves OA pulls out of her ass with Homer cures all ailments. (Also kinda shitty she doesn’t use them once she gets out but whatever.) He was just scared the whole time, and that made him kinda dickish, I guess. But that’s about all I know about his character. Bad development.

Homer

Did anyone notice how easily OA, after 7 years in a hole, found a YouTube video of his NDE and how impossible it was for 3 decently intelligent boys to find any indication that her story was true?

I wasn’t sold on Homer being all that great. I have no real feelings about him. Except that he knocked up a teenage girl and left her to go get money doing kinda weird stuff without telling anyone. And that was pretty stupid. So I suppose … dumb jock?

BBA

She’s the stock mother figure. Any mother figure could have worked here, and that’s shitty. I like the actress, I wish they’d have done more with her story. I realize there are time restraints … but damned if I know what they are. Each episode is any random length of time, from 71 minutes to like 28 minutes. I get the idea of the story determines the time of the show, not the other way around. But I mean… how about you tell the story of the characters? Maybe make a couple episodes a few minutes longer?

Hap

Eh. He’s crazy, that’s for sure. And how did this shitty show get Jason Isaacs? But his obsession makes him dumb and reckless. And, very likely, he got away with it all. So, what a great ending, right? Ugh.

The 2 girl Captives and the random Pothead Spectator

Like, no character development whatsoever. No one cares about them.

That final Scene.

Wow, I can’t express the feelings appropriately yet. I went from hysterical laughter to rage. Whydid they make those movements so absurd?

Is this supposed to be a message on gun violence? Or is it just referencing school violence to seem more relevant? Because I’m fairly certain that the response of someone with a gun would probably be to shoot them before they got out those epic dance moves.

Was it Real?

So which was it? Are we told the raw truth of an angel survivor? Or were those books French found proof of a story Prairie made up to cope with her trauma?

Why does everyone assume that it’s fake just because she had those books, by the way? They all are just completely on board with doing some goofy dancing in their free time, sure. Considering that if someone was an angel they’d maybe wanna research some key points? I think most people would want to at least look it up. But somehow this is grounds for everyone to just stop believing her.

Except then they do again. And can we just say, that even if she was it literally changes nothing? She, and several others, were kidnapped and killed repeatedly and in the end, she died for keeps. And she saw Homer after she dies. So he’d died too. So, awesome.

To Recap: Some crazy guy experimented on people in his basement, one girl made it home, but he killed the rest and totally got away with it. Free girl, instead of trying to find crazy guy, teaches random kids how to dance like idiots and gets shot. The end.