Quotes from ‘The Application Deterioration’

Leonard, Sheldon, and Wolowitz run into problems when they file for a patent for their infinite persistence gyroscope. Also, Penny, Amy and Bernadette give Koothrappali dating advice when Emily reaches out to him after their breakup.

Leonard: Hold on, hold on. So the three of us do all the work and only end up with 25%? Patent Attorney: Dr. Hofstadter, this university has been paying your salaries for over ten years. Did you think we do that out of the goodness of our hearts?Leonard: Well, until you just said that mean thing, kinda.

Raj: That was rough, you guys.Penny: I know, but you did it. I'm so proud of you.Raj: Well, anyway, I'll leave you to your girls' night.Amy: Are you sure you don't want to stay here with us?Raj: No, I kind of feel like being alone right now.Bernadette: Well, if you change your mind, we'll be here.Raj: Thank you.Penny: Say hi to Emily for us.Raj: Will do!

Leonard: Guys, everyone is involved in this, okay? Howard's invention, Sheldon's math, my original theory that space-time was like a supercooled liquid. Which I'm sure Penny would've mentioned if she wasn't working on that hangnail right now.Penny: What?

Howard: Okay, I gotta ask. Why are you wearing a bow tie?Sheldon: I've never applied for a patent before. I wanted to make a good impression.Howard: Oh. Is the impression that your first name is Pee-Wee?

Patent Attorney: So, I've reviewed your paperwork, and it seems like we've got everything we need to file a patent for your infinite persistence gyroscope.Sheldon: That's great!Howard: Excellent.Leonard: So what happens next?Patent Attorney: Well, the legal team needs to review existing patents to avoid overlap.Howard: Oh, I don't think there will be.Leonard: Yes, we did our own search.Patent Attorney: That's nice, but I think ours might be a bit more thorough.Sheldon: (chuckling) Get a load of this guy.

Howard: Can you imagine if we make money with this?Leonard: If we do, I am splurging on the best sinus irrigator money can buy.Howard: That old sad story. Guy gets a little money, goes straight up his nose.

Patent Attorney: Just need you to review and sign this document acknowledging that you understand the university will own 75% of the patent.Howard: 75%?Sheldon: That's outrageous. This is our idea based on our research. How can you possibly justify owning a majority share?Patent Attorney: It's university policy.Sheldon: Well, I know when I'm beat.

Patent Attorney: And as far as Mr. Wolowitz is concerned, I'm afraid as a federal employee on loan from NASA, your name can be on the patent, but you're not entitled to an ownership share.Howard: Wait, so this can turn out to be a financial success, and I get nothing?Patent Attorney: Well, sometimes they give you a plaque.Sheldon: Well, that's not fair. We should all get plaques.

Amy: So, have you been having any morning sickness?Bernadette: A little. And it doesn't help that I've got this heightened sense of smell.Penny: Is that a pregnancy thing?Bernadette: Yeah, the other day I sniffed out where Howie hid the Girl Scout cookies. No more Tagalongs, my ass.Penny: But now you'll be able to make your own milk to eat the cookies with.

Bernadette: You don't think she'd actually send you something gross or dangerous, do you?Penny: I know one way to find out. Sniff this.Amy: She's pregnant, she's not a bloodhound.Bernadette: Although I am getting a little machine oil. I think it's metal.

Bernadette: What is that?Raj: Wow, it's an antique sextant. Sailors used these to find their position by the stars.Amy: What a nice gift for an astrophysicist.Raj: I know, she's so thoughtful.Penny: See, she's trying to get you back. Now, that is exactly what I would've gotten you if I had any idea what it is or what you do.

Leonard: Well, what if we go around the university and just get the patent ourselves?Howard: We can't. It says on their web site, as long as we work there, they have a controlling ownership of anything we come up with.Sheldon: Great, so they own my idea for a T-shirt that says "Dumb as a Bag of Geologists."

Leonard: Well, our choices are we do this with the university or we don't do it at all.Howard: Either way, I get nothing.Leonard: Or, if we ended up making money from this, Sheldon and I could split our shares with you.Sheldon: To be clear, Leonard is referring to the gyroscope, not the T-shirt and mugs.
Oh, now they own the mugs!

Howard: You guys would be cool doing it like that?Leonard: Of course, we can split any profits three ways.Sheldon: I'm fine with that.Howard: Okay, great.Sheldon: It sounds like a, uh, contract might be in order.Leonard: Sure, we could write something up.Sheldon: But which one of us should be the party who-Howard: You can do it, Sheldon.Sheldon: (excitedly) So stipulated!Leonard: Once I found a stash of contracts under his bed. It was weird.

Bernadette: I wonder how much she spent on this.Amy: Ooh, let's find out.Raj: It doesn't matter. It's the thought that counts.Penny: Yeah, yeah. Beauty's on the inside, size doesn't matter - how much did she spend?

Raj: Seriously, guys, I don't want to know.Amy: Oh, my.Raj: Oh, come on, you can't say "Oh, my!" and then not tell me!Amy: These things go for $500 and up.Bernadette: Damn! All I got for Valentine's Day was a postcard saying my Vermont Teddy Bear was back-ordered.

Penny: Okay, so, she drops off a $500 gift and she's not trying to get back together with you?Raj: Maybe you're right.Bernadette: Or she's telling the truth and just being nice.Raj: Maybe you're right. Wow, I am easy to manipulate.

Bernadette: I'm a little tired, Howie. You ready to go?Howard: Yeah, one sec. I just need to sign this contract.Bernadette: What is it?Howard: Well, we ran into a problem about my share of the patent, so we're forming a partnership to split anything we make equally.Penny: Sheldon, did you draft the contract?Sheldon: You bet I did.Penny: Ooh. (To Amy) You're gonna make out so hard tonight!

Bernadette: So, you're just gonna sign this without having a lawyer look at it?Sheldon: Excuse me. I've been drafting contracts since kindergarten. Didn't need a lawyer to get me out of finger painting. Don't need one now.

Sheldon: Hey, Leonard.Leonard: What?Sheldon: If she doesn't think that we should apply for this patent, she's being patently absurd.Leonard: Good one.Sheldon: Okay, you got it. See, I was afraid it was a thinker.

Howard: What are you doing?Bernadette: I just want to make sure you've thought this through.Howard: What's to think about? We have an invention and want to move forward.Bernadette: Howie, you're about to form a legal partnership with Sheldon Cooper.Howard: All right, if you're gonna calmly make excellent points, then I don't know if I want to talk to you.

Howard: Okay, I get it. And it's sweet that you're worried about me, but I can take care of myself.Bernadette: I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me. I don't want to go through this pregnancy listening to you complain about Sheldon driving you crazy more than you already do.Howard: Oh, here we go with the ironclad logic again.

Raj: Hello?Claire: Hey, Raj. It's Claire. How are you?Raj: Hi. I'm good. Really good.
Well, I don't know why I said "really good." I'm just regular good. I really just wanted to sound confident. And that "really" was a real "really", not a fake "really" like the first "really."Claire: Really?Raj: I don't know. I lost track and I missed my exit.

Raj: So, uh so what's up?Claire: Well, last time we talked, I had just gotten back together with my boyfriend, and I wanted to let you know that things didn't work out.Raj: Really? I'm sorry, I swear I know other words.

Raj: So, uh, when do you want to meet up?Claire: Uh, I'm almost off work. What are you doing now? Right now, well- Well, actually, tto be completely honest, I'm stopping by to see my ex-girlfriend because she's having a tough time. But it's not like we're getting back together or anything.Claire: Let me guess, the worst part about breaking up is that she doesn't have her best friend to talk to anymore?Raj: That's exactly what she said! How do you know that?Claire: I'm a girl. It's, like, page one out of the playbook.Raj: Any chance you could send me a PDF of that playbook?

Howard: But, um, we were talking, and I'm a little concerned about the three of us forming a partnership.Sheldon: Are you suggesting a limited liability corporation? Cause I did not L-L-"see" that coming.

Penny: No, what I'm saying is you could add a clause to the contract that he can't make fun of Howard.Bernadette: How would you enforce it?Sheldon: Oh, please. Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.Amy: And his obsessive-compulsive disorder.Sheldon: Yeah, that, too. And scoot over. Part of your shadow's on my spot.

Howard: "Article three: As it pertains to this project, Dr. Sheldon Cooper promises to abstain from all insulting or disrespectful language directed toward Howard Wolowitz, including but not limited to: mockery of engineering, his height, his hair, his wardrobe, and his insane belief that the Ghost Rider movie was, quote, 'not that bad'."

Penny: Wait, wait, wait. What are these changes on page six?Amy: Sheldon, what did you do?Howard: I should've known.Bernadette: "25% of profits due to Sheldon Cooper will be allocated to a scholarship fund for the firstborn child of Howard and Bernadette Wolowitz." Sheldon, that's so nice.Leonard: That beats the onesie I was gonna get them from Baby Gap.

Howard: That's very generous, Sheldon.Sheldon: Oh, I've always valued education over money. And the very fact that you needed a written guarantee of respect made me realize how dismissive I've been of your contributions.Howard: I appreciate that.Sheldon: And I just hope that this scholarship can rescue your child from the sub-par education and menial life of an engineer.Amy: Sheldon!Sheldon: What? I didn't sign it yet.