Roasting Food Critic Alan Richman

That pretty much sums up last night’s roast of restaurant critic Alan Richman at New York’s Le Bernardin, celebrating his 25th anniversary writing for GQ magazine. Chefs and critics such as
Anthony Bourdain,
Daniel Boulud,
David Chang, and former New York Times restaurant critics
Sam Sifton and
Frank Bruni took turns hurling insults at the writer in a room full of restaurant and food media bigwigs (
Tom Colicchio,
Marcus Samuelsson,
Ruth Reichl, the list goes on). And there were no punches pulled.

Richman’s ex wife, Wall Street Journal wine writer Lettie Teague, used her turn at the podium to enumerate “all the times Alan has been wrong.” Even the custom-printed menu contained a jab at the guest of honor, stating that it was “dictated to chef Eric Ripert by His Royal Highness Alan Richman.” (“He even chose the canapes,” Ripert told us, adding that the salmon entree Richman requested hasn’t been on the restaurant’s menu in more than five years.)

“I have never done a roast in my life,” said chef Eric Ripert, pictured above. “I mean, of a person, of course.”

So last night, over striped bass tartare, seared langoustine with foie gras, and wild Alaskan salmon with truffle sauce, morels, favas, and peas, the roasters went for it. Bourdain congratulated himself for ensuring that the word “douche bag” comes up as auto-fill any time someone Googles Richman’s name. Boulud told the guest of honor that he had no sense of taste, didn’t understand chefs, and should take cooking lessons. Almost everyone called Richman cheap–especially
Michael Hainey, his editor at GQ, who had a few zingers about expense reports. There were even a few remarks aimed at Richman’s looks (heyoooo!).

Throughout the onslaught Richman sat, hunched over a notebook, scribbling rebuttals to each and every story in preparation for his 20-minute speech at the end of the dinner. Firing back, he asked the room if anyone had ever seen Dave Chang cook, called Sifton and Bruni sissies, and to Boulud said, “You made that statement that you’ve been cooking longer than I’ve been writing, but when was the last time you’ve done any cooking?”

Because he had to follow former New York Times restaurant critic Sam Sifton, chef Dave Chang wisely took a shot of tequila before his turn at the podium

In the end, though, Richman was gracious. “This is probably one of the most wonderful things that’s ever happened. So many of my friends from all over the country are here,” he said. “I was asked if this was the greatest moment of my professional life. I don’t know, I guess it has to be. How it can get better than this?” –Emily Fleischaker

Former New York Times restaurant critic Sam Sifton delivered several of the best lines of the night

Some of our favorite zingers:

“The guy is cheap. He drinks corked wine. He takes me to Costco. The guy is cheap.” -Eric Ripert

“Alan welcome. I am not here tonight. I am traveling. However, I am not feeling guilty, since you admitted to me long ago that you are–this is a word I don’t know how to say in English–misogynist.” -Le Bernardin owner Maggie Le Coze in a note read by chef Eric Ripert

“He must have pissed someone off [when he worked at the New York Times], and I’m guessing that it was Tony’s mom. Gladys Bourdain, a legendary editor at the New York Times with a legendary temper … I am not suggesting that Alan is Bourdain’s father…the math might work.” -Sam Sifton

“By the early 1980s, Alan’s career at the New York Times was in a full-on death spiral, bound for GQ.” -Sam Sifton

“GQ must be just as cheap as you are if they don’t even pay for giving you cooking classes because if you had cooking classes I think you would understand chefs better.” -Daniel Boulud

“You know what’s funny? Twenty five years at a mens’ magazine and he still looks like an extra on Law & Order.” -Sam Sifton

“I want to talk about what I learned from Alan about the importance of anonymity in restaurant criticism. I learned very little. He taught me nothing.” -Sam Sifton

“When it comes to wine you are the world’s biggest schnorrer.” -Daniel Johnnes, wine director for Daniel Boulud, invoking a Yiddish word that means “a respectable looking begger who shows up for a free meal and is not satisfied with small favors”

“He’s the only person that I speak to who went to the Vietnam War and speaks of it fondly–and it boggles my mind.” -David Chang

“True story: Alan Richman forced me to see a shrink … If you hang out with Alan, you can summarize it very easily, it’s like how to lose friends and alienate people.” -David Chang

“I spend a lot of time in New Orleans and when I’m there and people ask me, ‘Do you know Alan Richman?’ and I say very plainly, ‘I do not know the man.’” -David Chang

“I racked my brain to say something to sum up a long career, something nice to say about you: You know what, at least you’re not John Mariani.” -Anthony Bourdain

“It takes a lot of courage … the kind of guts and character it takes to stand up, and in spite of your own sexual preference work for, year after year, basically a gay lifestyle publication.” -Anthony Bourdain

A Few of Richman’s Best Lines Over the YearsThe writer told us his favorite story he’s ever done was for GQ in 2000, called Oldest Living, about Jewish waiters on the Lower East Side. “There was a whole era of old, crotchety Jewish waiters. Everyone of them unhappy with their life, everyone of them convinced they should have been stars,” he said. “About 10 years ago, I knew they were dying out, and I went and talked to everyone about them and talked to them. And I just loved that story more than anything else.” Here are a few of our favorite lines from his work:

“Criticizing a West Coast deli is like shooting gefilte fish in a barrel.”

“The French are guiltless where food is concerned. They believe eating veal is immoral only when it is tough.”

“If you’ve never had an Early Bird, it means you’re too rich, too thin, or too Christian.”

“My wife is so irrationally against bread that I now think of her as the Anticrust.”

“I’m opposed to premium cat food becasue it tastes better than the canned tuna fish served at the Conde Nast cafeteria.”