Thursday, April 16, 2009

WWE Mourns Loss of Writer

(Badstreet, U.S.A.) - WWE Smackdown head writer Michael "P.S." Hayes was found dead at his home, located at the end of the block in the "Badstreet" section of Atlanta, G-A this morning. Details are sketchy at this time, but friends of the deceased Freebird tell 6-3-94 that Hayes became despondent after the WWE draft.

"After the Mark Henry thing and the suspension and rehab, I thought Michael had turned a corner," said surviving Freebird Buddy "Jack" Roberts. On April 23, 2008, Hayes was suspended for 60 days following alleged racist remarks made toward the former Olympic strongman, known at times in WWE as "Sexual Chocolate," "The Silverback," and "That Black Fuckin' Moulie Jigaboo Monkey." It was alleged that Hayes' penchant for inappropriate comments toward blacks, half-castes, mulattoes, and octaroons had something to do with Bobby Lashley's departure from WWE as well. Despite his high pitched voice and lack of gimmick regarding theft, dancing, or having an abnormally hard head, Lashley is, in fact, an African American.

Roberts continued, "I guess after the draft, what with all the darkies and spics sent to Smackdown, Michael just couldn't take anymore. Dolph Ziggler was the last straw. I did my best to explain that it's just a spray-on tan, but Michael wouldn't hear it."

When reached for comment, Bobby Lashley responded, "lolololololol."

We at 6-3-94 send our thoughts (no prayers) to Hayes' family, his white coworkers, his dealer, and surviving Freebirds Roberts, Jimmy Jam Garvin, and Brad Armstrong Under a Hood as Fantasia.

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In the days of ancient Rome men tried to best each other physically by imposing their will on one other. Sometimes this lead to the death of one of the competitors. Sometimes it lead to a friendship or brotherhood bond being formed. More often than not it ended with the two dudes fucking the shit out of each other. Faggotry and wrestling have long had a mutually parasitic relationship. Where faggotry is afoot wrestling cannot be far behind. Where there is wrestling you can rest assured that faggotry is nearby, jerking off furiously. This is the way it has always been and the way it shall always be. Though men have tried to change this dynamic throughout the ages they have all failed. Spandex, pyrotechnics, midgets, fake tits and sports entertainment cannot mask the overwhelming scent of gay that always accompanies wrestling. You can always be certain of these three things: The sun always rises in the morning, politicians always lie and wrestling will always be gay as fuck. We are merely observers; scribes charged with the duty of recording, analyzing and mocking this faggotry. These are our words.