Thursday, January 22, 2009

I'm basically a movie star.

"And action. Cue the old lady!" That's what I think a movie director yells from his hideout in the bushes as he cues a little old lady into the one-lane alley behind my apartment. I think the movie they are filming is a comedy. Much like on The Truman Show, the crew does really well at hiding the cameras and mics from me.

For the past week, no matter what time I leave my apartment, there is a 4 foot tall elderly lady with a handkerchief over her white hair that walks out right in front of my car. She suddenly decides to start walking just as I pull out of my garage. She cannot hear very well or maybe she's ignoring me as I am forced to drive 1 mile per hour behind her. She wanders and wobbles through the street and as soon as I think she's going to move over to the side for me to pass, she zig-zags right back into the center of the alley. I'm at a loss for a resolution because I've been taught that it's rude to honk at your elders. I wonder if it's rude to sound a fog horn at your elders? Her turtle speed has been delaying my morning commute by at least 2.5 minutes!

Besides this incident, I've been in a few other movies without my knowledge. And no, not the kind of movies you're thinking of. I'm pretty sure that I was once cast as Forrest in Forrest Gump Returns. I guess Tom Hanks wanted too much money for the sequel and so they cast me as the lead actor because I would unknowingly do it for free. Anyway, everywhere I went for weeks on end there were white feathers floating in the air. It was freaking me out. While sitting in traffic on the freeway feathers would land on my windshield. Feathers would slowly float towards me as I walked down the street. Big feathers too. Like the ones they would dip in ink and use as pens back in the day. The kicker was when I went to get my hair done one morning and a few minutes after I sat down the hairdresser's face transformed into a look of concern and almost disgust and I thought she was going to tell me that I was no longer a natural blond, but instead she pulled a white feather out of the back of my hair and held it up for the entire salon to witness. Embarrassing moment #36 folks. Sure, you say, the feather was probably from my pillow, but I am very particular about my pillows and only use a Tempur-Pedic one, so what's the explanation now?

I don't think Forrest Gump Returns ever made a theatrical release, maybe it was because I didn't have the 2 step military haircut like Forrest or perhaps it was because I am not necessarily coordinated at table tennis or running cross country. I will surely keep you updated on my other upcoming film credits. That is, if I know about them.