My mom is very incontinent. She needs to wear depends all the time, my father has often said to me that she doesn't know when she has to go, yet she is having accidents in her pants quite frequently both bowel and urine. When it is fecal incontinence very often clothes are soiled along with it, because I would think that Depends are more for urinary incontinence. So when its bad enough its going through her clothing.

I have suggested to my dad that he look into getting adult diapers. He can be very stubborn, and although he is frustrated at the accidents, when I suggest this, its seems as though he doesn't want to take away her dignity, which I completely understand, but its pretty much at that point. When I suggested it today because he told me she had two fecal accidents on Friday and another yesterday, he said, "well it isn't often that it happens". If anyone has read my other posts you will know that I am frustrated that my father will not take any of my suggestions. I hate to battle with him, but what happens is he is complaining to me and acts so frustrated and upset about things, yet when I make suggestions to things like this, he then acts like he is almost in denial. I just don't know how to handle this anymore. I feel bad for both parents, one because this whole dementia thing just robs them of their dignity, personality and basic life, but I also feel bad for my dad, must be so hard to have to admit that your life partner needs to wear a "diaper".

I need advice. I know this is what my mother needs and will make life easier for the aides and him, but he continues to be stubborn.

Just trying to be supportive to him.

Sun Jun 17, 2012 4:39 pm

mockturtle

Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pmPosts: 3213Location: WA

Re: Adult Diapers

There may not be a viable solution to this but it might be worth having a part-time trained caregiver come in for a few hours a week [forgive me if you've already mentioned he is doing this]. She might be able to demonstrate to your father more effective caregiving techniques. Men seem to find it a lot more difficult than women to seek help so he may very well resist.

When I first made arrangements for a weekly respite caregiver [just the interview!], I had to cancel it because my husband found out and freaked out at me. And I really, really needed the time off. Eventually, I went ahead and scheduled it, anyway. Maybe if you suggest it on a trial basis and offer to pay for it, he might be willing to give it a try. Tell him you'd like to take him out to lunch occasionally. Or something.

_________________Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.

Sun Jun 17, 2012 6:40 pm

Julianne

Joined: Sun Aug 29, 2010 5:46 pmPosts: 610

Re: Adult Diapers

If nothing else, maybe it would help to hear the suggestion from someone besides his daughter.

Julianne

Sun Jun 17, 2012 6:44 pm

jeanted

Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 5:00 pmPosts: 78Location: Fayetteville, NC

Re: Adult Diapers

It was hard on Ted when we went to the Depends, but now he looks to make sure we have them on hand. I went to Sams and got their brand - actually like them better than the Depends brand name ones. We had a few heart-to-heart discussions about it. I related it to that support that actually saves him from the embarrassment of an accident. Took a bit, but one of the things I told him was it was like using crutches to help walk, or (sorry), when women use pads for that time of the month. I'd had some female problems and pads were lifesavers for me--helped Ted to cope. So much better than when he used to lie and say "something had spilled" or the like. It does sound like your Dad is not wanting to make that step. Let me tell you, at 56, it's not something we expected Ted to have to have. But, keeping frank, supportive, kind, gentle, and open about the matter has made it one more of those things that helps us make our life a little better in the big picture. Don't know if this really helps. Hope you can get your Dad to see that somehow--maybe just buying a small pack (because we also had to figure out what size was best for his wider hips but no rear to speak of). Maybe you could persuade your Dad to start trialing a couple of brands to see what might be good "down the road" for your Mom--tell him it seems you're getting closer to them, and you're trying to help him make the best decision.

I don't know if this helps or not.... With my dad, we NEVER called them "diapers." We just called them "briefs" or maybe "special briefs." We started with the pull-up kind, and later transitioned to the side-tape kind as they held more liquid.

Mon Jun 18, 2012 12:42 am

mockturtle

Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pmPosts: 3213Location: WA

Re: Adult Diapers

We always called them 'briefs', too. And we also find that the side-closure ones are much more secure than the pull-ups, for both stool and urine.

_________________Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.

Mon Jun 18, 2012 1:01 am

Ger

Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:55 pmPosts: 355

Re: Adult Diapers

Dad would never wear them to start and was also having several accidents a day. Eventually, I asked an uncle that he is very close to us to help us. He put what we called disposables in his pocket and pretended he wore them all the time. He was wonderful, and from then on Dad wore them no problem. Maybe if you said to your Dad to try them for a day or two just for a trial run, (dont make it sound permanent), and when he sees just how much easier it makes his life, he might try it. Best of luckGer

_________________cared for Dad who passed away on January 28th 2013 R.I.P.

Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:51 am

TaraC

Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 2:50 pmPosts: 15

Re: Adult Diapers

I guess I'm trying to see if there is a difference from everyone's experience in depends vs. adult diapers....I just think that depends are more for just urine incontinence, even urine leakage, I know there are different absorbencies, she uses the maximum absorbency, but she very often soaks through clothing with urine and even worse when its bowel incontinence. And being its a pull up then the pants have to come off, its quite a mess. Would an actual adult diaper make a difference? I'm just trying to figure out what would be easiest for the aides and my father. My father gets so stressed and upset by this. But at the same time when I make a "gentle" suggestion, he gets irrational about it.

I have the same issue of when my Mom has to leave the house for a doctors appointment...she is hardly walking, she is extremely unsteady and weak. I believe it is very taxing on her to leave the house, maneuver stairs and in and out of a car. She doesn't not gain anything by leaving the house at this point. it is very stressful for her. She receives no enjoyment in getting out, she doesn't like it. She refuses to use a wheelchair, which makes it very dangerous for the aide and my Dad to get her from home to wherever they need to go. I gently suggested that the doctor make a house visit for her physicals. My dad said while he recognizes that it may come to that at some point, while she can get out he wants her to. Now I understand that my Dad does not want to face that she can't leave the house, believe me I understand how he looks at it, I really do, but isn't it about what is best for her at this point? It takes two people to help her walk, and believe me when I tell you she is not benefitting in any way from leaving the house, she become more agitated and confused and exhausted. So why stress her at this point? She does not function at all in the house. She basically sleeps and barely eats, she is very confused in the evening, very agitated.

This situation is taking a huge toll on my father, I'm his only source of support, he does not attend a support group or talk to anyone else about this but me. He is severely depressed himself with all of this. So I try to suggest things "gently" to help make things easier for him and do what may be best for her, but he gets totally irrational when I try to talk to him. It angers him. I understand I am seeing it from a different prospective because I am not her primary caregiver, but these are my parents...its like I have lost both of them. I worry about having to care for both of them by myself. I have three children, the youngest being 5 and the oldest will be going off to college in the fall. We have been dealing with this for many years and I feel like if the constant stress of this on my father continues at this pace, I will either lose him before my Mom or he is going to lose his mind also. He has me worried because of some things he exhibits as far as cognitive abilities. Most people say he is just overwhelmed with stress, but I'm not so sure its only that. Alzheimers is in his family.

I'm sorry this is so long and I know I went off topic. I am really needing support. No one in my life understands all this!

Right, pull-up briefs hold lots less liquid that side-tape incontinence briefs. But start with pull-up briefs as they are more like "regular underwear." For women, pull-up briefs are often adequate.

Can you hire a geriatric care manager to go to your parents' home, and make gentle suggestions about improvements? That person may be willing to say to your father that it's not worth going out to risk a fall.

Mon Jun 18, 2012 2:04 pm

empritchard

Joined: Mon Feb 14, 2011 10:22 pmPosts: 191Location: Portland, Or

Re: Adult Diapers

We've always used Depends for my mom and now use the "silhouettes" which actually are much more like normal briefs, so she really likes those but as they are more expensive than the others we save those for days when she has doctor appts, etc. Usually she has only urinary incontinence but occasionally has diarrhea and what I do when that happens is cut the sides open instead of pulling them down like briefs, it seems to make clean up much easier.Ellen

She has been in depends for a long time. She doesn't know when she has to go, sometimes they make it but a lot of times she doesn't. But the bowel incontinence is getting bad. The urinary is always bad. But when I mention that maybe she needs something more than what is being used, then my Dad will say that it doesn't happen often, when I know it does because he tells me when its a really bad day with that, which is several times a week. Does it make a difference in absorbency? Because a lot of times it goes through to her clothing or pajamas and that's a mess. Is it worth me making the effort for the change?

We have seen a geriatric care manager, she has come to the house twice, she has made many suggestions and my Dad had not taken any of them. She spoke of physical therapy for transfer training for my Dad and the caregivers but he hasn't even looked into that. If I don't push, he doesn't do it. She is in the same position all the time and is never moved except to eat meals. Depending on what she is eating, she may or may not sit at the table. She otherwise eats in her recliner.

I'm just thinking the depends are not strong enough anymore...I don't think they are meant to hold a full out urination are they? Again she has really no control anymore.

I guess you have to pick your battles -- incontinence briefs, PT training, not going outside any more, etc. You can't fight them all and you can't win them all.

Different brands of briefs hold different amounts of liquid. I've posted here before that I did a bunch of experimenting with pouring a cup of water into pull-up briefs and side-tape briefs. I found that Tena brand held the most liquid. Try their Extra Dry or Ultra Dry or whatever it's called. If it doesn't hold all of the urine, then use their side-tape briefs. If that doesn't hold all the urine, all a "Super/Night Pad" to the "package." That still didn't hold my dad's urine....at some point....and we had to try other things.

If you express frustration about the incontinence issue, try to express it along the lines of "these neurological diseases are sure challenging," rather than "I don't know what's wrong with mom that she pees so much."

Mon Jun 18, 2012 5:25 pm

mockturtle

Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:46 pmPosts: 3213Location: WA

Re: Adult Diapers

They also make a style that is a pull up but with perforated side seams that can be torn for easy removal. When changing soiled briefs, this is important. Those can be bought in Walmart or other stores. Depends makes some. They can also be adjusted by tearing and then taping the sides for a better fit.

_________________Pat [68] married to Derek [84] for 38 years; husband dx PDD/LBD 2005, probably began 2002 or earlier; late stage and in a SNF as of January 2011. Hospitalized 11/2/2013 and discharged to home Hospice. Passed away at home on 11/9/2013.

Mon Jun 18, 2012 6:59 pm

Challenged

Joined: Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:06 amPosts: 63

Re: Adult Diapers

You can buy pads that stick to the inside of the depends. Much more absorbent, and doesn't require a change in your dad's thinking. Sounds like he really just needs to complain a bit. Maybe if you don't let yourself be pulled in on this? When he tells you what a difficult day he's had you could agree--"that's awful, how hard it must have been, you're doing so much for her". Give him the pads for lining her depends, sympathize, but otherwise be non responsive? Maybe you being a sounding board would be enough to help him in this area.

Tue Jun 19, 2012 4:39 am

hpetrilli

Joined: Fri Jan 13, 2012 11:51 amPosts: 43

Re: Adult Diapers

Tara,We have had the same problem with my mom. Dually incontinent, and the depends don't absorb enough. She is even past the point where if we ask her if she needs to be changed she will say no, even though she has soaked through her clothes and bedding. Dad is resistant to go to 'diapers" but I have ordered some extra absorbent briefs from a med supply company...told him I got a "deal on line" and try them and see if they work better....we shall see!

My dad is having difficulty as well, having to abrubtly come to the realization mom can't get out anymore. It takes a strong 3 person assist just to get her down the stairs to the car. It's so hard for the CG husbands, and hard for us as children to see their parents like this. You mentioned you had a geriatric case manager? Do they provide social work services as well? Maybe a social worker could help him talk about what he's dealing with?

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