Everyone thinks I’m a competitive person. I’m rather the exact opposite. I hate competing against anyone for anything. I hate the pressure of being judged against someone else. I think I just hate the fact that there is a chance I will lose and that chance is pretty high considering it is me that I’m talking about. I just lost two competitions in two days and it makes me feel like such a loser. Like I’m not good enough to do anything useful. I think I’ve just got a lot of pent up anger in me and I need to get rid of it one way or another. Life is looking so dull and gloomy these days. I hate uncertainty. The deeper I go into the unknown, the more frighten I become but then I think back to when I didn’t care if I lived or not and everything seems normal again. I think that’s why I appear so calm outwardly. Because part of me doesn’t want to live, part of me is dead. I wonder if I’ll ever get to the day where I want to live longer but I can’t. That would equally suck too. Everything sucks. This blog post makes no sense but that’s because I’m exhausted. I don’t even know why I began to write this to begin with. Oh well. Life is full of mysteries just like life is full of miseries.

I remember when I found out about “finsta” (a fake Instagram) I was mortified. But it’s not really a fake Instagram, it’s your real Instagram but snapchat style. I guess this is what this blog has become for me – it details my darkest secrets in such a mysterious way that no one can decode it but it’s so shameful that not even my personal diary can keep a record of it. Over the many years I’ve made many posts on social media often without much as a second thought but I always felt like I need to hold back and hide behind a mask. That mask has become who I identify myself as. The funny one. The clowner. The punster. The joker. That’s me. But that’s also not me. I don’t know who and what I am but I know I’m not perfect yet I try so hard to be perfect but making it look like I’m not making an effort. I’m counter-doing what I’m trying to achieve and if you’re not following then that’s my point exactly. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t make sense. It’s midnight in Amsterdam right now. I’m not high but I am high. Goodnight.