Breathe. Then they get annoyed and think it’s silly. Then they make oneself do it again until it’s clear it’s not even remotely silly. Especially when you are not breathing and would like to stay alive.

Put cucumbers in the water. Because it’s pretty. And also tasty.

Recall the conversation I had with a user the other day who asked, in utter earnestness, if sex was or wasn’t supposed to be better than snickerdoodles. (“Why choose?” I thought.)

Remember that your state has recently legalized marijuana. Even if you don’t have any, just the mere thought of this now-real-thing remains quite constantly pleasant.

Dream of being in the forest—OH WAIT. You LIVE in the forest! Go out into the forest, you silly ninny, you.

Check out all the awesome people you love who love you right back. You can just think about them, you can call them, and if they can see you, you can even click your tongue and wink at’em, all suave-like.

Remind yourself of two of your old high school friends you saw recently and remember them in the dive bar when you did, loudly singing “Let’s Dance” as a collective Elmer Fudd.

Spit like you mean it.

Remember that you grew up into exactly the kind of person you wanted to be. You just didn’t imagine the annoying or frustrating parts, that’s all.

filed under Heather Corinna
posted on Tuesday, February 26th, 2013 at 7:17 pm