Alaughin and the Magic Lamp

Once upon a time, there was a young boy named Alaughin.

Alaughin led a very difficult life, but always seemed to have a smile on his face– in fact, he spent much of his time laughing. Go figure.

The reason he had a difficult life was that he was born into an impoverished family in the town of Agrabah and, when he was very young, his father left to be the King of Steves (because his father’s name was Steve). After his father left, Alaughin’s mother died of a broken heart, leaving Alaughin to fend for himself.

As a result, Alaughin grew up stealing from the rich to give to himself.

For many years, Alaughin stole water and bread and apples and other nutritious sustenance, just to survive. He lived in an old, abandoned building with his only friend: a monkey named Achoo. Every night, Alaughin and Achoo would sit in their sad home and stare out the gaps in the crumbling walls at the nearby palace, wishing they were on the inside.

MEANWHILE…

Inside the palace lived Princess Yasmine and her father, the sultan. The sultan had a royal Vizier, named TooFar.

TooFar was really smart, but was also the kind of guy who might give you the creeps. He also had the tendency to go too far. Unfortunately, TooFar’s biggest goal in life was to become the sultan, which would only happen if Yasmine’s father died.

Yasmine was not content as a princess. Her father was pressuring her to marry a prince, but she was only 16 years old and the princes of the other kingdoms were rude and stuck up. All she wanted was to be a normal adolescent female– to go shopping, and eat poptarts for breakfast, and take her pet tiger for a walk outside of the palace walls. So, she devised a plan to sneak out of the palace.

As fate would have it, Alaughin was stealing from a fruit stand in the village when he ran into Yasmine– who was also stealing from the same fruit stand. HOW ROMANTIC IS THAT?!

Unfortunately, Yasmine was not as skilled at being a criminal as Alaughin was and she got both of them caught by palace security. She was the princess, though, so she was off the hook. Alaughin, however, was imprisoned and doomed to be executed.

However, while Alaughin and Achoo were nervously trying to formulate a plan for escape, an old man appeared in their jail cell.

The old man came up to Alaughin and said,

“Hey sonny– how would you like to get out of this place? I know a secret passageway!”

Alaughin responded, “That would be great! Why did you wait so long to ask me?”

“Well, sonny,” the old man responded, “I need you to do something for me. I need you to retrieve a lamp from a secret cave in the desert. In the cave, there are riches beyond your tamest and wildest dreams. I waited because I wanted to see if you were worthy of the task.. You are.”

Alaughin was flattered.

Achoo sneezed. That probably meant he thought it was a good idea. Or he had a cold.

“I’ll do it!” Alaughin exclaimed.

“Great, sonny!” the old man replied. At this point, the old man realized he had forgotten to ask Alaughin what his name was and now that they were so close, it would be awkward to ask. So, he decided that he would just keep calling him sonny. It was endearing, albeit a little creepy.

When Alaughin, Achoo, and the old man escaped from the prison and got to the cave, the old man looked at Alaughin and explained,

“Now looky here sonny, you need to go into this cave and touch NOTHING, not even a single jewel, until you get to the lamp. Pick up the lamp, run as fast as you can out of the cave, and bring the lamp to me. Then, you can have all the riches still in the cave for yourself.”

Alaughin and Achoo went through the cave. They made friends with an enchanted shag carpet, which could fly, they saw riches beyond their wildest dreams, and even found the lamp the old man was seeking within an hour! But, just as Alaughin was about to pick up the lamp, Achoo sneezed and knocked over a giant golden statue!

Just then, the cave began to shake. It was cursed or something! If any treasure was touched, the entire cave would collapse on itself. This would have been convenient for the old man to mention. Alaughin thought they just weren’t allowed to touch anything because the old man was delusional and actually thought he was his son or something and was acting like a dad, telling Alaughin not to touch and break things.

Alaughin and Achoo hopped on the shag carpet, which could fly, and raced to escape the cave. Waiting at the entrance was the old man. Alaughin, Achoo and the carpet scrambled out of the cave.

“Well, sonny, where’s the lamp?” the old man asked.

“I have it here,” said Alaughin, extending the lamp to the man.

“Good,” said the old man and then, without warning, the old man pushed Alaughin down into the collapsing cave!

“And by the way!” the old man yelled after Alaughin as he fell into the precipice, “Long live the king!”

Hey. Wait a minute. That’s what Scar said to Mufasa in the Lion King before causing him to fall to his death.

That old man went too far.

GASP!

The old man was just TooFar in disguise!

Luckily, when TooFar pushed Alaughin into the closing cave, Achoo swiped the lamp from him and flew into the cave after Alaughin on the shag carpet.

The three hit the bottom of the cave and, when Alaughin realized what happened, he was distraught. How could he have fallen for this?!

But then, he saw that Achoo had swiped the lamp! Not only that, but the lamp had magical powers for, when Achoo sneezed on it, a ghost-like figure appeared!

“Hello!” said the ghost-like figure, “I am the genie of this lamp. I can grant you three wishes, so long as you do not wish for more wishes, wish for love, or wish to bring someone back from the dead. Also, I’m a pretty insulting guy, so my friends call me the Meanie of the lamp.”

Alaughin replied, “Wow! I don’t know what to wish for!”

“Probably because you’re an idiot,” the genie responded. He was a meanie.

Alaughin thought long and hard, all the while enduring insults being hurled at him by the Meanie. Finally, he said,

“Meanie, I bet you’re so mean to people because you can’t even grant wishes. I bet you couldn’t even help us escape from this cave!”

The Meanie got madder than usual and, in an instant, transported everyone but Achoo out of the cave. How mean. But at least Alaughin hadn’t expended a wish!

Alaughin then wished that the Meanie would make him a prince so he could marry Princess Yasmine.

Once in the kingdom, Alaughin found it very difficult to speak to Yasmine, both because he was nervous and because she did not recognize him.

Alaughin decided that the best thing to do would be to take Yasmine on a ride on his magic shag carpet. After all, everyone likes shag carpet. At least in theory.

When Yasmine saw this magic shag carpet, she was amazed. They toured the world, flying past landmarks like the Sphinx, the Great Wall of China, and the Grand Canyon! Basically, they were gone for like three days.

When the two returned to the palace, Yasmine knew that this was no ordinary prince– mostly because princes are rarely happy and this guy had laughed the whole way through the world tour. Wait–

Laugh.

Laughing.

ALAUGHIN! It was Alaughin all along!

But Yasmine, excited as she was, was also spoiled. She was not going to allow herself to be happy this easily. Alaughin had lied to her. Yasmine said,

“Alaughin, I know it’s you! You’re really a prince?!”

Alaughin lied (rookie mistake), “Yes, Yasmine. I’m sorry. I didn’t tell you before because I was afraid that if you thought I was a prince, you’d also think I could sing, because all princes can sing. But, I can’t sing.”

This seemed irrelevant, but Yasmine could understand where he was coming from,

Meanwhile, TooFar was devising a plot to kill Alaughin so he could marry Yasmine and become sultan. During Alaughin and Yasmine’s trip around the globe, TooFar had found the magic lamp (Alaughin was very forgetful) and was waiting for just the right time to use his three wishes.

Little did Alaughin know that, because he no longer possessed the lamp, he was no longer the Meanie Genie’s master!

The next day, as the royal family was sitting down to dinner, Alaughin decided he was going to propose to Yasmine. Alaughin said,

“My dear Yasmine, you are sassy and kind and beautiful. I know we’ve only known each other this short week, but I’d love to spend the rest of my life reliving weeks like this with you. Will you marry–”

At that moment, TooFar stood up and yelled, “ME!”

Too far, TooFar. Too. Far.

Not only had he ruined and interrupted the very touching proposal, which is every man’s nightmare, but he had taken it as his own!

TooFar pulled out the magic lamp and sneezed on it.

The genie appeared and, while he was surprised to see that TooFar was his new master, he didn’t care that much because he hated literally everyone.

“Genie! Make me the best sorcerer in all the land!” TooFar yelled.

I don’t know if it was to be funny, or because he was really really mean, but the Genie actually made TooFar into a giant saucer rather than a sorcerer. This made TooFar a very angry person, and probably the angriest dish ever in existence, because he had to use a second wish just to get out of this situation–

“You meanie! Change me into a genie!”

Meanie turned TooFar into a very powerful genie.

Ok, I don’t know why he had to turn TooFar into a powerful genie. Seriously, he could’ve just been average. Meanie was a real jerk.

“For my last wish,” TooFar said, “Make me a sandwich!”

Oh no.

Meanie Genie did not like being patronized.

This guy had gone too far.

Meanie made TooFar into a literal sandwich. Now he was a genie, and a sandwich, “Take that, fatso!” Meanie yelled.

Rude.

TooFar replied, “Why are you so mean? Is it because you’re dumb and you’re compensating for your lack of intelligence?”

Ok, also rude.

Meanie retorted, “Why are you so obsessed with power? Is it because you’re so short?”

This was an all-out fight!

TooFar yelled, “YOUR GENIE MOMMA IS SO FAT, SHE CAN’T FIT INTO A LAMP– THEY HAD TO GIVE HER AN ENTIRE ZIP CODE!”

TOO. DANG. FAR.

Just then, Meanie remembered that genie’s are tethered to their lamps, so Meanie took TooFar’s lamp and hurled it into a nearby well– and TooFar was sucked into it, never to escape!

With TooFar banished forever, the kingdom returned to normal.

Alaughin decided to use his final wish to free the Meanie Genie from his lamp. He did this in hopes that Meanie would have a change of heart. He didn’t, but Meanie Genie did become an inventor and an entrepreneur and soon, he became known as the Diaper Genie rather than the Meanie Genie. With a name like Diaper Genie, Alaughin knew that Meanie Genie was getting what he deserved, even if he did just continue being mean to people. After all, Alaughin was living a lie, who was he to judge?

And so, Yasmine and Alaughin lived happily ever after– especially because when they had kids, they had a convenient and less smelly way to dispose of diapers.