Power Ranking Rumblings: Week 7

Hello and welcome back for another week of us critiquing everyone’s favorite sports channel to hate, ESPN! Every week ESPN posts NFL Power Rankings that are generally terrible but not as bad as the commentary they provide to the rankings. So Jesse and I decided it is our duty to endlessly mock the low effort that ESPN put forth.

This year we are doing things a bit different by providing ESPN’s commentary right here on the blog with our personal commentary right below so you don’t have to click between the two articles. But for those of you who want to see the actual rankings, feel free to check them out here:

ESPN: The undefeated season is over, and if the Chiefs want to bounce back from a 13-point effort against the Steelers, they’ll have to do it on the road. They travel to Oakland, Dallas and New Jersey to face the Giants for three of their next four.

Jesse: That stretch seems really daunting until you realize that the Giants are 0-6…. oh, wait, they beat the Broncos last week in embarrassing fashion for their first win. Sometimes football can be rather depressing.

2. Philadelphia Eagles

2017 record: 5-1
Week 6 ranking: No. 4

ESPN: The 5-1 start to the Eagles’ season is bolstered by the fact they’ve won three on the road. Now they get to play their next three at home, where they’re 2-0 this season and 8-2 over the past two years.

Kevin: I asked my former Eagles fan friend (former on the Eagles fan part not the friend part) if the Eagles are the real deal. His response? “Apparently?”. Thanks for the insight bud.

3. New England Patriots

2017 record: 4-2
Week 6 ranking: No. 5

ESPN: The Patriots play host to the Falcons and Chargers before their Week 9 bye, then they’ll start racking up frequent flyer miles. They play five of their six games after the bye on the road with trips to Denver, Mexico City to face the Raiders, Buffalo, Miami and Pittsburgh.

Jesse: Don’t the Patriots have their own plane now? Do they even get to earn frequent flyer miles? I always fly in coach and usually pick the cheapest airline possible, so I don’t know how these things work.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers

2017 record: 4-2
Week 6 ranking: No. 10

ESPN: The Steelers haven’t been impressing the way some thought they would, but they’re still 4-2 and play the Bengals, Lions and Colts over their next three games. After that stretch, which features two road games, the Steelers will play five of their last seven in Pittsburgh.

Kevin: The Steelers like to keep things interesting. They can’t beat the Bears or the Jaguars but the undefeated Chiefs at Arrowhead? Sure no problem. At this point just bet against the logical thing with these guys.

5. Seattle Seahawks

2017 record: 3-2
Week 6 ranking: No. 8

ESPN: From Weeks 9 to 17, the Seahawks will alternate home and road games. It’ll be a lot of back-and-forth travel for them, but FPI still has them favored in all but two of their remaining matchups.

Jesse: Sounds like the Seahawks are the ones who should be racking up those flyer miles. Also, I thought FPI was only for college football. Also also, I had to google FPI because I didn’t know what it was.

6. Carolina Panthers

2017 record: 4-2
Week 6 ranking: No. 6

ESPN: Carolina’s next two games are on the road, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The Panthers are 3-0 on the road this season and 1-2 at home. Chicago is up first, then Tampa Bay.

Kevin: Look it doesn’t matter if you’re on the road against Chicago or at home, you should beat them. Plain and simple. Isn’t that right Steelers?

7. Atlanta Falcons

2017 record: 3-2
Week 6 ranking: No. 3

ESPN: A lot of attention in Atlanta will be paid to Sunday night’s Super Bowl rematch against the Patriots, and for good reason. It’s not every day you get a chance to avenge a blown 25-point lead. But this game kicks off a slate featuring four road matches in five weeks, which includes trips to Carolina and Seattle. In other words, this stretch could make or break Atlanta.

Jesse: Kind of like blowing that 25-point lead broke their season last year? Are we still making jokes about that, or is that off-limits since my team, the Broncos, can barely even get to 25 points most weeks?

8. Denver Broncos

2017 record: 3-2
Week 6 ranking: No. 7

ESPN: The Broncos lost a home game to a winless Giants team and saw their starting quarterback get hurt. Now they have to play three straight on the road, with trips to Kansas City and Philadelphia. Then, when they finally return home, the Patriots will be coming to town. It won’t be an easy go, to say the least.

Kevin: If you allow me to go dark for a moment…the first sentence has Broncos fans finding the gun, the second sentence has them loading the gun and the third sentence has them firing the gun…into a football. As a metaphoric symbol for their favorite team’s impending doom. I didn’t want to get too dark for you.

9. Los Angeles Rams

2017 record: 4-2
Week 6 ranking: No. 11

ESPN: The Rams are heading into one of the toughest stretches of the year. Seven of their next eight games are against teams that are currently .500 or better, and six of those games are against conference foes and three will be division games.

Jesse: In other words, there’s still a chance that the Rams could finish 4-12. Jeff Fisher is very proud of his old team for making everyone think that they are actually good.

10. Washington Redskins

2017 record: 3-2
Week 6 ranking: No. 13

ESPN: This upcoming stretch for the Redskins is pretty brutal. They’ll travel to Philadelphia, then host the Cowboys, then travel to Seattle, then host the Vikings and then travel to New Orleans. Four of those five teams are currently above .500, and the Cowboys went 13-3 last year.

Kevin: Wow, the ESPN Bot took a sharp turn there at the end. Four of the five teams are good this year and the Cowboys were good last year. Thanks but that’s not too helpful. The Cowboys were also good in the 90s, does that strike fear into their opponents?

11. Houston Texans

2017 record: 3-3
Week 6 ranking: No. 17

ESPN: Deshaun Watson has thrown for at least three touchdowns in three straight games, so maybe this week’s bye is coming at a bad time. Watson’s next chance to extend the streak will be in Seattle.

Jesse: Seattle will probably be dreading all those flyer miles they’re about to rack up and will be too distracted to play defense, so Watson should have a good chance of extending his streak to four straight games.

12. Dallas Cowboys

2017 record: 2-3
Week 6 ranking: No. 9

ESPN: The Cowboys’ upcoming slate of six games features road trips to Washington and Atlanta and home games against the 5-1 Chiefs and 5-1 Eagles. It’s not an easy stretch, but it’s made even worse by the fact they might have to play it without their leading rusher.

ESPN: Aaron Rodgers is down, the Lions are struggling and the Bears are starting a rookie quarterback. At this point, it appears the NFC North is the Vikings’ to lose. They’ll face the AFC North, though, with the struggling Ravens and Browns over the next few weeks.

Jesse: If you’re not that thrilled about the Vikings making the postseason, then this probably isn’t going to help you. With Sam Bradford dealing with Sam Bradford-ish injuries and Teddy Bridgewater no lock to play well upon his return, we are probably looking at a scenario where Case Keenum starts in a playoff game. What a time to be alive.

14. New Orleans Saints

2017 record: 3-2
Week 6 ranking: No. 22

ESPN: The Saints have won three straight, and their next two games will presumably be against the Brett Hundley-led Packers and Mitchell Trubisky-led Bears. Drew Brees has 472 more career passing touchdowns than those two combined, meaning the Saints could very well be riding a five-game winning streak heading into Week 9.

Kevin: Look Drew Brees is better than Brett Hundley and Mitchell Trubisky. But don’t compare his career passing touchdowns to a guy I have never heard of and a guy starting his third NFL game. That would be the worst graphic during an NFL game, a bar chart that has Brees’ 472 tds in one column and Trubisky’s 2 tds in another.

15. Detroit Lions

2017 record: 3-3
Week 6 ranking: No. 14

ESPN: Detroit’s bye week couldn’t have come at a better time, as the Lions have lost three of their past four games. They have a tough matchup against the Steelers when they return to action, but then get to take on the Aaron Rodgers-less Packers and the quarterback-deficient Browns.

Jesse: So does this mean that the Packers get to experience what it’s like to be the Browns until Rodgers comes back? I demand that they refer to their stadium as LamBOO Field until he does. What? Hey it’s almost Halloween, I can make a terrible holiday-related joke if I feel like it, okay!

16. Green Bay Packers

2017 record: 4-2
Week 6 ranking: No. 2

ESPN: Green Bay’s chance to win the division, according to FPI, dropped from 65 percent to 20 percent following Aaron Rodgers’ injury. With the red-hot Saints coming to town this weekend, the Packers’ Week 8 bye might not be soon enough.

Kevin: I too had to Google FPI so thanks for stealing that joke Jesse. I would like to extend a loud LamBOO your way since you also stole the only good Packers and Halloween related pun.

17. Arizona Cardinals

2017 record: 3-3
Week 6 ranking: No. 24

ESPN: The Cardinals are right in the thick of things, and in the coming weeks, they’ll have a chance to make some big moves. Their next three games are all against division foes, though two of them are on the road.

Jesse: I don’t know, ESPN. One of those games is against the Rams, who are about to begin their rapid slide to 4-12 and another is against the 49ers, who always find a way to lose by exactly a few points. That’s two wins right there!

18. Buffalo Bills

2017 record: 3-2
Week 6 ranking: No. 16

ESPN: Coming off a bye the Bills are now treated to back-to-back home games against the Buccaneers and Raiders. Those games probably looked tougher earlier in the season, but those teams are a combined 1-5 in October.

Kevin: Did those games look tougher earlier in the season? The Raiders were over hyped sure but have the Bucs looked tough outside of 2003?

19. Jacksonville Jaguars

2017 record: 3-3
Week 6 ranking: No. 12

ESPN: The Jaguars are tied for first place in the AFC South, and the road ahead should give them a strong chance of staying there. They have just one game on their remaining schedule against a team currently above .500 — the Seahawks in Week 14.

Jesse: Winning the AFC South is like winning a free meal at Del Taco. Sure, you won something, but did you really?

20. Oakland Raiders

2017 record: 2-4
Week 6 ranking: No. 15

ESPN: Four straight losses and the Raiders are now at the bottom of the AFC West. They’ll try to stop the bleeding against the Chiefs on Thursday night, but quarterback Derek Carr has lost five straight starts to Kansas City. After that, the Raiders tour the East Coast with trips to Buffalo and Miami.

Kevin: “Four straight losses and the Raiders are now at the bottom of the AFC West”…”the Raiders are now at the bottom of the AFC West”…”the Raiders are now at the bottom”…”the Raiders are the bottom”…And everything was right in the world again.

21. Tennessee Titans

2017 record: 3-3
Week 6 ranking: No. 23

ESPN: The Titans have the third-easiest remaining strength of schedule. Of their remaining 10 games, only two are against teams that currently own a winning record: Week 11 at the Steelers and Week 16 against the Rams. The winless Browns are up next.

Jesse: Just like the Jags, the Titans have a very easy schedule moving forward, but why do I feel like they’re both going to finish 8-8 only to watch the Texans win the division at 9-7 again?

22. Baltimore Ravens

2017 record: 3-3
Week 6 ranking: No. 18

ESPN: The Ravens beat a Raiders team without Derek Carr in Week 5, then lost to Mitchell Trubisky in his second career start. They might get to face Case Keenum this week, Jay Cutler the next and then whoever is starting for the Packers (it’s looking like Brett Hundley) after a trip to Nashville and their Week 10 bye. If the defense can take advantage, the Ravens could get back above .500 for the stretch run.

Kevin: Stop trying to make the Ravens happen. They’re bad. Book closed.

23. Cincinnati Bengals

2017 record: 2-3
Week 6 ranking: No. 21

ESPN: The Bengals are coming off a bye week and a two-game winning streak. They’ll be spending four of their next five weeks on the road with trips to Pittsburgh, Jacksonville, Tennessee and Denver. So, the winning streak might not last long.

Jesse: Or that winning streak could last for four weeks. This season has already been weird as hell, so nothing would surprise me at this point.

24. Los Angeles Chargers

2017 record: 2-4
Week 6 ranking: No. 28

ESPN: After opening the season 0-4, the Chargers have won two straight. Will the winning streak continue? If it does, it’ll have to be at home against the Broncos and in Foxborough against the Patriots.

Kevin: Welp these Chargers are two missed field goals away from being 4-2 right? Even Jesse predicted they would take one from the Broncos this week. RIP Broncos football.

25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

2017 record: 2-3
Week 6 ranking: No. 19

ESPN: The Buccaneers have the most difficult remaining strength of schedule in terms of opponents’ winning percentage. But factor in that four of their next six are on the road and no bye week, and the Bucs are staring at a serious uphill climb.

Jesse: I can’t remember if it’s okay for us to make jokes about Tampa Bay yet, so I’ll err on the side of caution. Sorry for your shitty schedule, Bucs.

26. Miami Dolphins

2017 record: 3-2
Week 6 ranking: No. 26

ESPN: The Dolphins need to win as many games as possible before Week 10. They play at Carolina in Week 10, then have a three-game stretch of Patriots, Broncos and Patriots from Weeks 12 to 14 before closing the season with another tough, three-game stretch of Bills, Chiefs and Bills.

Kevin: Haha I almost feel bad that Jay Cutler got coaxed out of retirement for this. That stretch post week 10 is just unfair.

27. New York Jets

2017 record: 3-3
Week 6 ranking: No. 25

ESPN: If the Jets are for real, they’ll need to rip off some wins before their Week 11 bye, because W’s will be hard to come by on the other side. Their final six games of the season are against the Panthers, Chiefs, Broncos, Saints, Chargers and Patriots.

Jesse: Don’t forget that the Jets meant to tank this season and already have three wins. I guarantee they’ll rip off some more and ruin any chance they have at a top draft pick, because they can’t do anything right.

28. Chicago Bears

2017 record: 2-4
Week 6 ranking: No. 30

ESPN: Mitchell Trubisky just got his first NFL win, but he might not get many more in upcoming weeks. The Panthers, Saints, Packers, Lions and Eagles make up the next five opponents for the Bears. All are currently .500 or better.

Kevin: You forgot to mention that the Packers would be starting some guy I have never heard of. You literally mentioned it in like eight other entries above. Come on ESPN Bot, get some consistency.

29. Indianapolis Colts

2017 record: 2-4
Week 6 ranking: No. 27

ESPN: Whenever Andrew Luck returns, the chips will be stacked against him. Does he return in Week 7 against a Jaguars defense that leads the league in sacks and picks? Does he return in Week 8 or 9 on the road in Cincinnati or Houston, respectively? Or does he return in Week 10 against the Steelers, a team he lost to 51-34 the last time he faced them? There might not be an ideal time.

Jesse: Or does he secretly milk his injuries for the whole season, watch the Colts tank to one of the league’s worst records and then orchestrate a trade to the Broncos in the offseason? I mean there are so many possibilities.

30. New York Giants

2017 record: 1-5
Week 6 ranking: No. 31

ESPN: Injuries have ravaged the Giants, but they’ve at least ended their winless start to the season. The other bit of good news is that from now until Thanksgiving, they’ll have to leave home just once. Sure, their opponents will be the Seahawks, Rams and Chiefs. But at least they’re at MetLife Stadium.

Kevin: Apparently injuries are contagious and these jerks from New York spread the virus to the Broncos. Thanks a lot guys.

31. San Francisco 49ers

2017 record: 0-6
Week 6 ranking: No. 29

ESPN: According to Elias Sports Bureau, the 49ers are the first team in NFL history to lose five straight by three or fewer points in a season. That’s not exactly the kind of streak the 49ers would like to extend, but they’d probably like to keep it close against the Cowboys, Eagles and Cardinals over the next three weeks.

Jesse: You know what Dominic Toretto would say, “It don’t matter if you lose by an inch or a mile, losing is losing.” Pretty sure the 49ers would prefer to win those games, not just keep them close.

32. Cleveland Browns

2017 record: 0-6
Week 6 ranking: No. 32

ESPN: The Browns are an FPI underdog in each of their remaining 10 games, but they do play three of the next four at home. An 0-16 season seemed possible last year, and if they can’t get through this current stretch without a win, it might be possible this year.

Kevin: Thanks for bringing up the fact that the Browns have three of their four games at home this season. It would matter if they had some past success at home. Sure they won their one game at home last season and zero on the road but still, it’s not a big factor in their success. You know what is a big factor in their success? No really do you? Cuz the Browns were sure like to know.