According to Turner, the incident has been blown all out
of proportion, and happened "during a little casual,
rough-sex between two consenting adult gentlemen, that
just accidentally went a little too far, or, actually,
you know, got interrupted before it had gone quite, you
know, far enough. If you know what I mean."

Following the incident, wide-scale rioting broke out at
the respective companies of both men, culminating in the
eventual permanent shutdown of CNN, Fox News, the Fox
Network, 20th Century Fox, Time-Warner, and the Atlanta
Braves.

A tracking poll of the human spirit, taken every ten
minutes by the Gallup Organization, indicated that,
almost immediately following the massive shutdowns,
world-wide human happiness rose sharply by about 20
percentage points.

Negroponte Bites off Rossetto's ear

Nick Negroponte, the guy who invented 'Nick at Night'
and also the guy, who under various goofy pseudonyms,
writes all of "Wired," "Hotwired," "Packet" and "Suck"
and also personally carries out all the searches typed
into Hotbot, has apparently just bitten off Wired
Ventures Chairman or owner or founder or whatever, Louis
Rossetto's ear.

According to Negroponte, the incident has been blown all
out of proportion and was simply part of a graphic
presentation he was giving to Wired staffers about how,
contrary to what Andy Grove of Intel thinks,
"the future of the internet is NOT really about 'battling
eyeballs,' at all, but really, it's about 'battling teeth
battling battling ear lobes.'"

Massive rioting following the incident has led to the
permanent shutdown of all Wired Ventures', uh,
ventures. A poll taken by the Ropers Organization and
the Superchunk Organization, shortly after the shutdown,
indicates a significant 20% increase in the overall
speed of the net and a 20% decrease in the perceived
amount of vapid, self-important info-glut pervading the,
you know, info-sphere.

McNealy Bites Off Ellison's Ear

Apparently Scott or Steve McNealy or somebody, CEO of
Microsoft or Lotus or something, has bitten off the ear
of Larry or Ralph Waldo Ellison or somebody, CEO of
Oracle or Sun or something.

According to McNealy or Gates or whoever, the incident
has been totally blown (as it were) out of all
proportion and was, in fact, just a routine part of his
standard demo of, you know, "cross-platform
inter-operability. If you know what I mean."

Following the incident, massive rioting broke out at
both Oracle and Microsoft, and both companies had to
eventually be closed down for good. Immediately
following the closings, computer users everywhere began
reporting 20% increases in overall computer speeds, a
20% improvement in software ease of use, as well as
suddenly feeling 20% less anxious and 20% more relaxed,
apparently because they didn't have to listen to endless
streams of toxic marketing bullshit from, or work vast
numbers of stressful unrewarding hours for, these
fuckin' sicko operations anymore.

Neither Charles Darwin nor George "the Animal" Steele
was available for comment.