23481: The distress of a wife whose husband is active in da’wah and does not have time for her

I got married to a person who is religiously committed, praise be to Allaah, and my condition (in the marriage contract) was that I complete my study of sharee’ah. My husband agreed to that, but after we got married he began to tell me that the Islamic University in America is not recognized. (This does not bother me so long as it is teaching knowledge of sharee’ah). But he does not want to spend his money unless it is a recognized Arabic university. Now after four years I will be going home in sha Allaah, but I have resolved not to go with him until I have completed my sharee’ah studies or at least completed my diploma in the study of the Holy Qur’aan, in sha Allaah.
What advice can you give to me and to my husband? I want him to read this letter, noting that my husband does not have sufficient time for me to sit with him and read Islamic books.
My husband is very active in da’wah outside the home, but inside the home he is not like that. He sits in his den at home and locks the door, and he tells me that the people’s interests are more important than the family’s interests, but it should be noted that I need him to take the children away from me and take care of them because I become sick (praise be to Allaah in all situations). I ask Allaah Almighty, the Lord of the Mighty Throne, to heal me.
It has reached the stage where I now hate him for his shortcomings, for he spends all his time in meetings in the mosque. At the beginning of our marriage, four years ago, I was trying to memorize Qur’aan but he did not help me with that and he would never listen to my recitation. I tried to read Qur’aan to him, but he could not do that because he is busy with meetings and other things. He relaxes at home for fifteen to thirty minutes, but it should be noted that he has set aside one day to stay at home, following heated arguments between him and me. All the time I sit alone with my children and he has never appreciated that, to the point that I am fed up with him and the society in which I live. I turned to Allaah and I do not complain to my family; in fact I praise my husband in front of them, hoping that Allaah will change him and make him pay attention to his family. Note that I am living overseas far away from my family and brothers. He also has another fault: if I ask him for money to buy what I need, he tells me that he does not have money, but I know that he is spending on his family and brothers. I am not telling him not to spend on his parents, rather he has the duty to spend on them. But he is very stingy towards me and my children. I want him to give me a monthly allowance for me and my children – is this permissible? I hope that you can advise me on this, for I am tired of asking him. I hope that you can advise us and him.

Praise be to Allaah.

We ask Allaah to relieve your distress, make things easy for
you, console you in your loneliness, guide your husband and heal you of your
sickness… Ameen.

Your question includes a number of matters, both issues of
fiqh and social problems… Perhaps it is best if we look at each problem by
itself so as to reach a useful solution.

The first problem is that your
husband seems to have reneged on fulfilling the condition which he agreed to
when he married you, which was that you should complete your studies. It is
not permissible (for him to renege on the conditions of the marriage
contract), because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) said: “The conditions which are most deserving of being fulfilled are
those by which it becomes permissible for you to engage in intimacy”
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2721; Muslim, 1418), i.e., the conditions of the
marriage contract which are stipulated by the woman or her guardian; but it
should be noted that these conditions should not go against the Book of
Allaah.

So your husband must fulfil this condition, and not prevent
you from studying.

With regard to the costs of study and the choice of a
university, reference should be made to the details of the condition; if you
did stipulate the condition that he has to pay your fees or let you study at
a particular university, then he has to honour that. If you did not
stipulate these details, then he is only obliged to let you
study.

With regard to your intention to stay there and not travel
with your husband, if you will be staying in a safe place then it is
permissible for you to do that, otherwise it is not. All of this depends on
your study being acceptable by Islamic standards, but if it involves mixing
of men and women or other objectionable matters as happens in many
universities, then it is not permissible for you to study there or for your
husband to honour this condition at all.

The second problem is that he
does not have enough time to sit with you.

The answer to this problem is that he can find time, but it
needs sound planning, a revision of priorities and an understanding of
rights and duties.

We remind you that your husband’s being busy with righteous
deeds is a blessing; perhaps you might give him a break and praise Allaah
that he is not busy with sinful things as is the case for many wives who are
suffering because their husbands neglect their families and are preoccupied
with sinful
activities.

It seems that your husband does not fully understand the
priorities of the Islamic sharee’ah, and that there is a lack of balance in
his approach to Islamic duties. Perhaps one aspect of the religion has
distracted him from another aspect. He should be reminded of the aayah in
which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families
against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones”

[al-Tahreem 66:6]

And the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Your family has rights
over you.”

He should also pay attention to the order in which Islam
tells us to direct our da’wah efforts, so he should start with himself, then
his wife and children, then all his relatives, the closer ones before the
more distant ones. It is important for you to make him realize that you are
not opposed to his da’wah efforts and that you are not an obstacle in the
way of his striving for the sake of Allaah, but you want the rights that
Islam gives you.

Tell him to make you one of the targets of his da’wah, one of
the people whom he pays attention to and follows their progress. Tell him to
make his children one of his da’wah projects that he undertakes. For more
information see question no. 6913.

After this problem is resolved, we are sure – in sha Allaah –
that the third problem will be resolved, which is your feelings of
hatred towards your husband as a result of his bad treatment of you, because
this feeling is simply a reaction to his neglect of you, and when the cause,
his neglect of your rights, is no longer there it will disappear. At the
same time, make lots of du’aa’ asking Allaah to open his heart to you and
your heart to him, because the Shaytaan is keen to cause division between a
man and his wife, and the hatred that exists in your heart is no more than
the promptings of the Shaytaan, so seek refuge with Allaah from his evil.

The fourth problem:

The husband is not fulfilling his obligations towards his
wife and children, and instead he is spending on his parents.

This action on the husband’s part involves both right and
wrong. What he is doing right is spending on his parents and siblings, but
where he is going wrong is his neglect of spending on his wife. This is
going against his duty, because a man’s duty is to give his wife precedence
over his brothers when it comes to spending, because of the report narrated
by Abu Dawood in his Sunan (1691) from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be
pleased with him) who said: “The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah
be upon him) enjoined charity. A man said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, I have a
dinar.’ He said, ‘Spend it in charity on yourself.’ He said, ‘I have
another.’ He said, ‘Spend it in charity on your child.’ He said, ‘I have
another.’ He said, ‘Spend it in charity on your wife.’ He said, ‘I have
another.’ He said, ‘Spend it in charity on your servant.’ He said, ‘I have
another.’ He said, ‘You know best (where to spend it).” (Classed as hasan by
al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan Abi Dawood, 1483).

If your husband persists in not spending on you and your
needs, then you have the right to take from his wealth what is sufficient
for you and your children, even if you do that without his permission,
without being extravagant or causing mischief, because of the hadeeth of
‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her), who said that Hind bint ‘Utbah
said, “O Messenger of Allaah, Abu Sufyaan is a stingy man and he does not
give me enough for myself and my child unless I take it from him without his
knowledge.” He said, “Take what is sufficient for you and your child, on a
reasonable basis.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5364).

We ask Allaah to reconcile you both and make things easier
for you both. Praise be to Allaah, the Lord of the Worlds.