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GLENNON
DOYLE

Speaking of Kairos…

June 13, 2013

(This is a screenshot of one of my Facetime calls with Chase. When I called, Craig had to go outside and pass the phone to Chase in a tree. Chase was hanging out in a tree. I was hanging out in Times Square in my pajamas with Sister. I held the phone into the air to show Chase the NYC beautiful chaos and he held the phone up to show me a worm. And yes, I’m crying a little. Chase in a tree makes me cry. Kairos.)

I’ve been sick for a few days now, and these times are always hard on my family. When I’m Lymie I get snippy and critical and dramatic (I know that one’s hard to believe). I’m really just no fun at all.

Yesterday, I finally pulled Chase into his room and we lay down together on his bed. I said, “Listen, buddy. I know I’ve been kind of mean lately.”

Chase didn’t argue with that, so I went on.

“I haven’t been a perfect mom. I’m sorry. I’m going to keep messing up this summer, but just know that I love you. I love you so much, and I’m so proud of you.”

Chase stared at the ceiling silently for a while and I thought . . . oh, crap, this time I’ve pushed the boy too far. But then he said, “Listen, mom. It’s okay that you’re not perfect. Nobody’s perfect. You know, when you’re not perfect, I remember that I don’t have to be perfect, either. It’s a relief sometimes.”

AND ALL GOD’S MAMAS SAID …………..BA- BAM!!

DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED THERE?

He gets it. He gets all of it. He GETS that when we quit being perfect, everybody else can quit being perfect too, and we can all just be human beings together. AND HE GETS THAT THIS IS A BIG, FAT RELIEF!!!

HOLY MOSES. CHASE HAS PROVEN -ONCE AND FOREVER- THAT SUB-PAR PARENTING IS A PARENTING STRATEGY, PEOPLE. ARE YOU GRASPING THE MAGNITUDE OF THIS?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go take a nap so that my kids will understand that they, too, should feel empowered to take naps.

I’ve been so busy I haven’t been able to read but I had to catch up on a few things today and I have to tell you, I laughed out loud for the first time today. (yesterday was at your Officer Superhero piece).

Hi Glennon, I LOVE this! I am a fellow Mommy blogger – I write a weekly devotional blog for Moms. I want you to know that my topic this week corresponded to this entry of yours, and I have included a link to your blog on my site accordingly. Thank you for sharing this precious moment that is rich in theological wisdom for sure! I have enjoyed finding you recently. Noelle

Thank you for such a timely reminder! I’ve been feeling like such a failure of a mom the past two months due to frequent bouts of lyminess. I know my kids know I’m struggling but it’s still hard not to feel like I’m letting them down by not being the mom they are used to having. You made me realize there is a positive perspective to all of this when all I had been seeing is the negative. Thank you!!

Oh, holy carp…I was so with you already, and then you made the nap comment. Ba-BAM for me. My mother equated napping with weakness, and to this day, I struggle to shake that off. Truth was, she was napping behind closed doors. Why would sleep ever be seen as something to hide or be ashamed of? Still baffled and battling on that front.

[…] who had it all under control. I see a scared kid who needed everybody to approve of her. And I see a mom who knew better than to let her daughter grow up huddled in a closet, thinking that deception was a good […]

For so long I was a momastery “stalker.” I loved meeting you at your book signing in corte madera, ca. Lately I’ve been avoiding momastery…not because of you but because of me. Maybe you are too big now, maybe you are over the top…maybe my simple little life can’t relate. But! Thank you for this…it reminds me you are in the everyday right there with all of us. Thank you for showing up everyday…perfect or not-so-perfect. Because that’s life…and that’s where we are all at. Thank you for reminding me I don’t have to be a perfect momma. Actually, I can be relieved I am helping my children build a little good hearted resilience and reality..good grief…where would I be without mine! 😉 This is a far cry…but I talked with an orphanage in a small west african orphanage this week that needs food/ milk/support. The country is so small and doesn’t even have a US Embassy. I can’t help but think what a love flash mob could provide. Like a years supply to feed these children. I’ve contacted monkey see, monkey do before…but thought id throw it out there again. I know, I know…but maybe someone will see that can help!

Tried perfect for a long time. Perfect daughter, perfect student….,very miserable unhappy existence. Now, nearly 40- we do mistakes, we do- do overs, we do second and third and fifteenth chances, we do forgiveness. Much happier. My daughters class this year had the red, yellow, green behavior system (she is in kindergarten). We have a saying in our house that everyone has yellow days.

Chase is so handsome and cool. This story was a great reminder to remind MY kids often that I screw up regularly. A few weeks ago my 5yo daughter had a near-epic tantrum because she made a printing mistake. I tried to talk her through it and told her that everyone makes mistakes. She actually told me “You don’t, mommy!”. I was floored. And ashamed. And guilt-ridden. I am a very imperfect perfectionist and was creating one in my daughter. Be SOOOO proud of yourself Glennon that your children accept and appreciate imperfection! I am now trying to point out ALL my mistakes to my daughter…pretty soon she will think I’m one giant screw up that loves her like crazy and tries my best and I know my job will be done! : ))

I learned a long time ago (forced in to it lol) to say I am sorry to my 4 boys…It was after a wonderful Bible study (can’t remember which one)….that said if I can do that for my children and be that example, they can take that forward in their own lives. I also have pre-paid therapy for them as well ’cause somehow I know something I am doing or have done they will seek therapy for one day in their lives and try to blame me….got you covered boys…I am 1 step ahead of you

I’ll try to remember this one later when the migraine is winning. Haven’t had one in months – don’t know why today. But told my son how I feel crummy and he was so kind to me in response (isn’t that beautiful, wee boys being kind to their mamas). So I’ll take vulnerable and kindness along with my headache and nausea.

I’ve been working on this in therapy for FIVE YEARS and I could never understand how to get to the end of the sentence. Chase’s response is quite possibly the first thing that’s made sense to me. (I know that’s cryptic and I’m sorry.)

Everyone’s perfect is so very different! My perfect right now is being able to leave the house with only three or four baby snot trails on my clothes! (the old me might have been super-judgey about this, thinking why didn’t that mom change her clothes, but now I think, can I sufficiently wipe the mark off with a baby wipe?)

Thank you SO MUCH for the reminder that apologizing not only helps, it might teach something. I have a feeling fibro flares are similar to being lymie, although sometimes it feels like every day and not a flare. I will try to carry this with me. Hmmm…maybe I should print it out and actually carry it with me.

THANK YOU! I can’t even being to tell you how this has made my day. No, week. No, pretty sure it’s made my life. Better. I’m sitting at my desk, picturing doing this tonight with my girls rather than getting all stressed out and meany-pants when they act like…well, kids. I hope that maybe they’ll have Chase’s wisdom…

So awesome! He totally gets it! Your children are so blessed to have YOU as their mom…flaws and all! 🙂 Also, I’m reading a book that I think you’d love. It’s called Unglued (Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions) and the author Lisa TerKeurst reminds me of you. Refreshingly honest, self forgiving, and so inspiring! Love you much Glennon! This is my first comment, but I’ve read every word you have ever written (well, publicly, haha) including Carry On, Warrior, which I’ve also bought for friends. Thanks for being you! I thank God for you! 😉 xoxo

This is my first comment too. And I love your blog, also – don’t we all ? I actually got very teary at this post. I tell my children ( 13,12, 7, and 5 ) frequently ” If you were perfect, you would be Jesus .” The first time I heard it in return I nearly fell to the floor.

This is what I will call “doin’ it well”. Clear communication to your kids to help them understand and be more compassionate about their family and others and our own limits when we are not feeling our best. Even a toddler can catch on to this if communicated to. They understand more than we think (for example although my 21 month old granddaughter is not speaking full sentences, only one-word commands – if we ask her something, she know and responds accordingly, where it is, what it is, etc. You get the picture. If we are sad – she will come hug you. If you don’t feel well she will know. So even starting this communicating like you have at an even younger age I think will work with repetition. OK enough of my Dr. Phil moment.

I love this post. It really is just …. big. Short post but speaks bounds and bounds. Hope you feel better soon.

Thank you once again for reminding me of the need to be imperfect, to let things go, to let ourselves go every now and then. It is a blessing for everyone in the vicinity.

PS> Kanswer treatment is done. I’m claiming a kanswer-free body and living into the joy of no more chemo, no more surgery, just taking good care of myself day by day. My hair is growing back – I’m watching in amazement as it grows and curls and does whatever it pleases. It feels pretty damned great to be moving onward and upward.

I am so happy for you! A brand new life awaits. My son had cancer at 9 years old. When his years of treatment finally gave us the “all clear” determination, we both cried. The weight on my shoulders fell off and I was giddy. A huge and happy hug to you and those that walked this path with you.

I love your blog so much, Glennon! I write a little blog myself, and I find your honesty and voice incredibly powerful. I’m also a friend of Bill’s – 7 years this summer:)
I’m so happy that I have a place to go to where I can discuss my defects and my disease and my craziness and people GET IT. But not everyubody has that. The beautiful thing about your blog is that you give that for your readers. You’re like, “It’s okay, we’re all carzy. See? not just you, ALL OF US.” People need that. I think so anyway… Thanks for being your authentic self. I am seeking my own voice in the blogoshpere and I am continually encuraged and inspired by yours. THANK YOU!

This is just so amazing! I am a recent Monkee convert, and I love the joy of being imperfect together! It’s even more gratifying to know that my son will pick up on that and learn to be open and honest and imperfect and happy with himself from me. BA-BAM!

This is something that I’ve been learning too, that I don’t have to be perfect. In fact, when I mess up, it’s actually an opportunity for me to teach my kids that they don’t have to be perfect either. Whew! That is such a relief! For me, for sure. For them too, I imagine. I felt such pressure to be perfect when I was growing up. It’s like a gift I can give them. // Chase hanging in a tree reminds me of my own son, who will hang in trees. Love the screen shot and caption. // xo, ab

Every day I battle chemo like side effects from my crazy powerful albeit life lengthening medication. Every day I try harder to be a better mother and enjoy the time I have with our miracle daughter. G, Thank you for this!!!

This speaks to me from a friend perspective (my kids figured out I’m not perfect LONG ago!) I find that as I get wiser I gravitate to the friends who allow me to see their imperfections as it gives me permission to let down my own guard. They are the ones I can be real with, and isn’t that what it’s all about anyway?

Love this!! The “Perfect Mother” is killing us all and making our kids bonkers too. How much better for all of us to relax and remove the word (and the aspiration of) perfect from ALL of our expectations of ourselves and our lives in general.

Oh, I just recently started following you, limey means you have Lyme disease?

Chase is one special soul – how lucky you are to have him in your life.
Loved his bike ride comment to you too (never managed to comment on that post with the above thought but I was thinking it then too).
The future is in good hands. <3

P.S. Can't believe I'm finally going to get to meet you and Sister in person at The Ivy Bookshop in Baltimore. I went from feeling a lot of anxiety when I first saw the event, to remembering the multiple times I've gotten lost in Baltimore, to doing a mapquest and discovering that bookstore is only about a mile away from the place I drive to for acupuncture, to driving there after my appointment this past weekend (got a teeny bit lost – it is NOT in the Whole Foods parking lot), to getting there 5 min. before they closed and getting my book (2).
It's a lovely little store. I told the man there were going to be a lot of people there when he showed me how they roll away some of the shelves and can have seating for 40. He said they have had SRO events before. I told him they probably should check what they are zoned for maximum occupancy-wise. He said they sometimes can use the real estate office space next door for larger things.
(thought I should share this conversation)

I'm still a little scared but I'm 'climbing' this 'tree' – see you soon 🙂

Yesterday my 3 year old said ‘it’s ok mommy, accidents happen. We all make accidents. I love you.’ I mean…. who’s the parent here? He gave me the best advice I’ve been given in a long time. We ALL need to give ourselves a break sometimes!

—-or I’m giving him too much credit and he was just softening me up for the pee he was going to take on the couch 15 minutes later.

What a special young man. When you talk about Chase, he reminds me of my youngest who is just so full of grace and goodness. A quiet leader. I call him my Gentle Giant because he’s supposed to be 6’1. Somehow I see that all of those kind and beautiful qualities shining through in Chase, too…

And they make our jobs so much easier, don’t they? These younguns who GET IT. Who live it ALL, who breathe it in and exhale the youthfullenss and innocence of it back out onto us Mamas…

Love this so much!! I am always feeling Lymie, even though I don’t have LD, so thank you for being a real human mom with mortal needs like taking a nap…why aren’t grown ups allowed to take naps? I can’t survive without them but they are (usually) my secret…until my daughter rats me out :p

Oh how I wish I could claim there was some small redeemable parenting strategy in last night’s fiasco of a bedtime routine. But I don’t think anyone can put a positive spin on me screaming to my 4-year old that she needed to “Get in the damn bed!” I knew I needed to go back up and give her cuddles and hugs and kisses, but I was so tapped out. (Honestly, I probably needed the cuddles more than she did – within 5 minutes she was singing songs to her stuffed animals.) I keep telling myself tonight will be better.

Thanks Meredith! I know she forgives and forgets quickly. I hang onto the shame much longer. Today’s strategy is play hard and play long all day. Hopefully we will both be so exhausted we can pass out around 8:00!

Right on, sister!!! Just finished Daring Greatly by the great Brene…this is exactly what the Wholehearted do! Well done you. Well done Chase! I’ve got some work to do with my boys….they need this relief badly. So do I.

Totally get this. It’s those moments when I have to pull myself together for a breather, go upstairs and sit on my daughters bed and say “I’m sorry”. I tell her I’m sorry because I was little too harsh. I tell her I’m sorry because I had a bad day, too, and I took it out on her in the moment. I remind her that we are all human and we all deserve a break every now and then. I remind her that none of us are perfect.
She sits and listens and says “I know. It’s ok. I could tell you were having a rough day the minute you picked me up from school. I love you”.
And then I kick myself because I remembered that I was short with her when she was talking a million miles a minute and I just needed her to stop. And then I have to remember that, although annoyed, the day will come when she won’t be getting in my car telling me all about her day at school.
We are human. We need to cut ourselves some slack. And if our kids see that we, life, love, etc, isn’t always perfect, we will raise our kids to be real.

I’m going to need that beautiful child of yours to marry this beautiful child of mine someday. I think we should arrange it! 🙂 …and the good news is that I am a sub-par parent as well…so they should have a lot in common 🙂
Beautiful post as always!!

HA!!! Staying with my parents this week and I just adore them and I adore their relationship with my mother- but she does the perfect thing. We do NOT do the perfect thing at my house because I tried that for a few months and exhausted myself. So I am trying to balance helping my mom be comfortable and happy in her house with her perfect thing and helping my sons (who are 2 and 1) feel that they are okay and wonderful even when they aren’t. And also reminding myself that its okay not to be perfect even though my parents are watching. Its a little exhausting, but we all got to bed early so I think it’ll be okay.

I come from a family of perfect too…. Mom will never get it either. It’s a relief to realize I don’t have to be. Easy to recognize when I’m not with mom, much harder when she and dad come to visit. Soldier on, sister.

Thanks, Ladies. It always helps to know I’m not the only one. I love my parents- a lot- but they raised me to fear everything, especially failure. Perfectionism in most things was the expected standard. I am so happy I recognized how destructive that is before I had kids.

Now if only I could take deep breaths and remember while I am visiting them in the moment that I don’t have to be perfect and they will get over it without me going completely nuts all over their house.

Our “kids” are 18 & 19. I so wish you and I were ” friends” when they were little. I know and admit to myself and them that when they were very young, I was more caught up in being the perfect mom, wife, career woman. Luckily though, I ran out of energy somewhere around 8 &9. Hopefully all of the what came after stuck. I love you for the blessing you are to others. Carry On & congratulations!!

I love this. Your conversations with Chase remind me of the conversations I have with my son Jack. Our kids are so smart it’s scary!! I think they know more about life than we realize. Maybe it’s because their minds are not clouded over yet with all the complexities of adult life. Thanks for sharing this 🙂

Rock on. ROCK ON. And Rock on Chase. Chase, you are so right. It is a relief to not have to be perfect. It is a relief to be able to be honest. Thanks for the reminder and thanks to your mom for leading by great example! I am a huge believer in the lead by example. And your thoughts on leading by taking a nap? Brilliant.

That is so what I want to teach my daughter. I’m going to start saying that – like a 100 times a day! “I am not a perfect mom, I am not a perfect mom…” because, really, I think I need to relax into that and my kids need to know I know that.

Every morning when my three leave for school or swim team or whatever and I kiss them because they are still little enough to let me do that, I say “I am crazy about you” (because I am and also they can make me crazy so I think it is a positive, healthy way to communicate my craziness). So now I am going to add “I am crazy about you! I am not perfect and you are not perfect, but I am crazy about you anyway!” LOVE. IT.

My 9-year-old has recently restricted my use of the term “I love you” to once a day. Apparently, I say it too much and he already knows I love him so I need to just knock it off. (His words!) Its killing me! Thank you for the alternative “I’m crazy about you idea.” He’ll have no idea what hit him 🙂

You’re amaze balls… it’s scary how much of a better person I keep trying to be because I realize how much my daughter is mimicking my behavior (let’s not get into the language…. she is a parrot and I can no longer freaking swear the way I usually do.) Infinity thank you for doing what you do… I came across your blog during your viral post about working moms vs stay at home moms that brought me to tears as I’m a working mom and I feel the EXACT same way you do about moms needing to come together and recognize our strength as women! I actually went back and read your blog from day 1 (I travel a lot, so I get a lot of “free” time on the plane,) and I’ve given your amazing (second) book to so many of the women in my life… your way with words is such a blessing to the rest of us!

I love this so much!!! I have been not doing so hot lately either and the other night I was crying (again) in my room and my oldest daughter 13 (who is not into little kids at all) was laying down with my 2 1/2 yr old and trying to get her to sleep. It really helped me more than she knows. She is a special girl!

You’re hysterical. And that precious Chase…What an insightful old soul. His take on “Carpe’ing Diem” a few days ago…But not needing to do it all day? Priceless. Feel better soon. Don’t need to tell you about all of the love, huge and prayers for strength headed your way. xo

This is my first comment although I love love love reading your blog posts and I FINALLY ordered (actually, my husband did!) and received your book. I’m a 36-year old mother of a 5.5, 4 and 2 year old. You have been such an inspiration to me. And I ditto everything said above. I was laughing and crying simultaneously. I love “…and dramatic (I know that one’s hard to believe)” — because it is SO me too. Thanks!!