Resources, personal stories, communication techniques, and strategies for survivors of sexual abuse who are ready to break free from the past and return to their genuine self.

May 28, 2013

Beyond the Masks: Losing the Game of Keeping Up Appearances

This week, I bring you part two from Kylie Devi in which she shares her journey from addiction of one kind and into a new type of addiction -- shopping and looking good!

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Finally,
I had enough.

Enough of the struggle,
enough of the drugs, enough of the self-destructive daily routines. I was 25
and I was sick of hiding out, playing small, and keeping my inner light, truth
and love to myself.

I wanted to be seen. I
wanted to be known. I wanted to come out from the margins and shine my light
into the world.

I decided to make some dramatic
life changes. I chose to become sober, socially acceptable, and to “do
something” with my life. Really “be someone.” To put the trauma and drama
behind me, and leave my mark upon the world.

These are delusional
thoughts, considering that all of us are already doing something with our
lives, and we ARE someone regardless of what we do. At any rate, I spent an
enormous amount of energy trying to accumulate what I thought I needed to have in order to be someone. I spent a ridiculous amount of money on making sure I “looked”
like somebody. This included many trips to the shopping mall, an activity I
previously despised, to buy designer clothes, makeup, shoes, and accessories.
New fashionable haircuts, hair dye, and the tanning bed were my new forms of
entertainment. I was winning friends fast and everyone who saw me said “Wow, I
can’t believe how amazing you look!” Anything was better than the drugged out
junkie look I suppose. But it wasn’t me, not at all.

I joined a recovery
group for my addiction and I found many of the women there doing the same
thing. We felt, and put pressure on ourselves and each other to become
immediately socially acceptable after being an outcast for so long. We clung to
the images sold by our culture about what and who women are and should be. We
became models for each other – showing each other the way to the lie of the
promised land delivered by magazines, television shows, and Hollywood.

It was
so far away from everything I had ever believed in previously, but I was
addicted to the increasing self-esteem and sense of belonging. I experienced a
new sense of purpose in being and staying clean, and finding a completely new
life, which had many healthy components to it, especially in comparison to what
I had become used to before getting clean. And for this reason, I accepted all
aspects of this new life, even the ones that were not genuine or authentic, because I was absolutely terrified to lose what I had gained. I knew that
without it, I would go back to where I had come from. And that thought was more
terrifying than death.

After a while, I faced
the truth that I simply could not afford my new image. I was spending money
trying to keep up WAY faster than I was making it. I thought nothing of
spending hundreds of dollars on one single outfit that it took me an entire
week’s paycheck at my restaurant job to earn. I had five credit cards and they
were all maxed out. And I was struggling just to pay my bills.

A few years later, I was
still sober, I was in several thousands of dollars of credit card debt, I was
beginning to realize how shallow many of my new friends were, and I still
hadn’t resolved any of the core inner issues that caused me to use drugs and
engage in destructive behaviors in the first place.

In short, I was drowning
in the same level of unmanageability as when I had been using, only nobody
really noticed, because “I looked good.” Looking good was a slow form of
spiritual death that was actually killing my recovery.

It was time to get to
the root of my trauma, heal and release it, and find my true self. I did not
find my true self in the margins of society doing drugs, and I did not find my
true self in looking good, winning friends, and becoming materially and
socially satisfied.

I found my true self in
looking deep into my past, realizing how my rape and abuse had impacted my
belief system and emotional development, committing to heal that, and doing the
work.

This did not happen
overnight.

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Check back next week when Kylie brings us the conclusion of her story!

Kylie Devi is the author of Recovering the Spirit from Sexual Trauma: From the Traumatic to the Ecstatic, a 21st Century guide to healing the body, mind and spirit in the aftermath of rape. Her healing process took her through an incredible journey of intensive study with teachers and guides in the Tibetan Buddhist, Maori, Cherokee, Hindu, Yogic, Sufi and Christian traditions. She has created over 100 healing based live events, retreats and workshops. You can check out her work and availability at www.recoveringthespirit.com.