Figure out what you want.

It’s easy to say ‘I want you to be rough’ to your partner – but what do you really mean?

There are many ways to introduce slight elements of pain into the bedroom.

From tight restraints to nails down the back to slapping or biting or being held down, there’s a whole spectrum to explore.

Specific instructions are always better than vague ideas.

And be very clear on what you don’t want. Don’t want them to call you names? Don’t want bruises the next morning? Say so.

Determining your particular turn-ons is a case of trial and error, but it would help if you did a little kinky research before coming to the bedroom – whether through intimate videos or exploring forums.

There’s a lot of erotic photography to do with pain out there, too – but make sure you actually want the action, not just the image.

Discuss it with your partner.

This is the first element in anything. It can be a short discussion – ‘I want you to do this’ – or a long one – ‘I think I’d like you to be rougher in the bedroom – can we talk about it?’ – but it needs to be had.

The main reason for this is that it’s crucial that both partners are absolutely comfortable with what’s happening.

If not, the situation becomes fraught and enjoyment will drop immediately.

If your partner says they simply don’t want to cause you pain – that it just doesn’t turn them on – explain that it’s pain which will be associated with pleasure, a kind of nerve-sensory explosion, but if they continue to be unhappy, don’t push it.

If it’s something you really need and your partner’s unwilling to go through with it, or vice versa, you may need to have a serious talk about your sexual compatibility.

But usually these talks go well – as long as you remember to have them. Violence on the spur of the moment might seem exciting, but it’s not worth the aftermath of ‘what on earth just happened?’

Don’t let anybody go too far.

Getting rough can seem like a series of endless possibilities, but it isn’t.

Have very clear parameters on what you will and will not have done to you, and make them crystal clear from the start.

If somebody improvises, it’s OK – but make sure you both can stop it if it’s problematic.

Never allow anybody to do something to you in the bedroom that you don’t want.

If it happens, you have every right to stop and explain that it wasn’t OK, that it made you feel unsafe/violated/upset/bruised, and that you don’t want it to happen again.

If they say ‘but that’s what I thought you wanted!’ and sulk, you might be tempted to hit them over the head – but explain that there are limits.

Similarly, if you’ve been instructed to run your nails down your partner’s back, start gently and build it up to the point where they can say ‘no harder’. Don’t flail away and cause deep damage immediately.

It might be useful to have a safe-word – ‘No’ can be misinterpreted in the bedroom, so go with something immediate and negative, like ‘Stop’.

Experiment with different ways of being rough.

There’s not just one way to introduce pain into the bedroom.

It’s probably a good idea to start small. Don’t go for nipple clamps and whips early on.

Use nails, light biting, hand grips and other varieties of light rough sex to acclimatise. Maybe you won’t want to go any further.

If you do, however, explore fully – it might be the beginning of a BDSM exploration, a power-dynamic you hadn’t experienced before, or other exciting things.

Don’t be shy about suggesting new things. Experimentation isn’t the key to a satisfying sex life, but it does help to have an open mind.

Consent, consent, consent.

If you have second thoughts or suspect your partner isn’t into it, stop immediately.

Consent is the most crucial part of this entire process. Without it, things rapidly unravel.

This is why talking beforehand is essential – even if it seems clunky or awkward, getting express permission from one another for various types of pain makes it very clear what your limits are and what you allow to happen to your body.

Don’t be afraid to make it known loudly that this is not something you consented to, if it happens.

It’s better to cease and desist than keep going into a dangerous area where one or both partners feel unsafe or vulnerable.

CONSENT IS REALLY IMPORTANT. Get that written on your headboard if necessary.

Don’t judge yourself or your partner.

Sex is a complex and many-varied thing. Don’t hold judgements on anybody if their desires are legal – it’s not fair.

This goes for the entire spectrum of fetishes, but accepting your partner’s particular bent is an essential part of accepting them sexually. Secretly thinking ‘gross’, ‘freak’ or ‘why am I doing this?’ is a way of rejecting them.

If you’re not comfortable, speak up, and be mature about it.

Similarly, you’re not weird or damaged if you like a little pain in the bedroom. Our psychologies and bodies are immensely complicated things – nobody can draw judgements about your sexual tastes.

It’s not abnormal or bizarre, and it doesn’t mean you have therapy-worthy issues. If you do feel concerned that you’re dipping into an area where a therapist might help you, by all means see one – but wanting pain in bed is in no way a warning light.

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