Taking Sides At Home.

Every family has been through a difficult time, whether rich or poor. At one point in life, there is confrontation, disagreement, argument, and sometimes or most of the times, fighting. Being the first-born in my family, I have witnessed movies unfolding right in front of my eyes whenever my folks disagreed. I have no idea how mum and dad ever fell in love, but I am pretty sure those must have been superb times for both of them. The dating period is great to all young people. Marriage should be greater, but… is it?

My father can get angry. He sure gets mad, and mum is very vocal. She’s the type of lady who can never allow you to just step on her and you walk free regardless of who you are. She fights for what she believes in. Picture these two people in one house for a lifetime. ..

No, you have no idea.

I wonder how they have managed to stay together all these years with all that commotion they have been through. Maybe that’s what true love really is. I wonder how mum has managed to persevere through all those nights dad has come home drunk, smelling filthy and just in his own world. Would I stand it had I been in her shoes?

What about the stories we’ve heard of infidelity, the points which it reached and I was thinking that my family was surely tearing apart? What about those days when mum cried herself out because she felt her husband had lost it? I do not know any bigger human forgiveness like this, loving someone and sticking by them even when they are the ones who hurt you most yet they are supposed to be the source of your happiness.

I’ve never seen my parents hug. No day has dad come home even holding a simple flower he has brought to mum. At least not in my presence. Save for one birthday card dating back to 1997 that I found in our store that only gave me a little reflection of what dad at least tried to do. All these years I’ve spent growing up, am still hopeful that our home will have the warmth of a home. Not that we never experience it, but there is this feeling…this feeling that I miss.

I’ve grown up to be closer to my mum, despite the fact that dad has done everything in his life he could possibly do to have me eating and sleeping in a safe place. He has done all that alright, but the way he acts when he is at his lowest has made me fear him more than I love him. To this date, at 23, am still struggling to be close to my father.

I realized it’s harmful to take sides whenever they disagree. But it’s funny that whenever they have problems with each other, it’s me they run to. It’s difficult. Very difficult. I fear violence. Pictures of my parents hustling each other to the wall and everywhere in the house are still fresh in my mind. I really struggle to let that go because with every argument comes heat, and that heat generates a fight. I fear that kind of life.

I wanna grow to be independent. I respect my father for who he is, but sometimes I feel that he always wants everything to go his way. I don’t know how to put it politely. But am trying to get close to him. I wouldn’t want us to be enemies. I wouldn’t want my siblings to go through the trauma I’ve gone through. I want things to be different in the future, from now. Am also growing old. It’s not too long before I also become a family man. And I want to correct those things I saw my parents do wrong.

Right now my priority is to make mum and dad be close to me. I don’t want to keep taking sides because it is hurting me. I want us to have a better family. That’s all I want.