Transference

I may or may not have already mentioned that when I had a Skype interview with the manager, his facial features, glasses and name are identical to how I remember my attacker.

I hoped that seeing him person would eliminate those concerns as I would get to know and identify him as an individual.

Admittedly we haven’t spent much time together to allow that to occur, but my concern about managing this is a new thing for me. I’ve not had this before.

I find myself having to consciously look him in the face and I also find myself looking for signs of him being dodgy or deviant. It probably sounds crazy. Even as I write it, I feel silly.

When I was so ill, it was him that came to my rescue. And when he was in my room, I felt so anxious and tense. I know my brain was fighting to replay flashbacks but my rational mind was fighting to see the ludicrousness of the situation.

Fortunately on a major plus side he is a New Zealander. So that helps ground me, if he was British too, it would be immensely more difficult.

I did have a terrible nightmare on my first night, but that’s because of the new surroundings, the sickness and the drama of the hotel. I was convinced someone had crawled through the broken (yes, broken!) window and was standing in the room. I was half awake and paralysed with fear. I couldn’t even move to switch on the light.

So as I anticipated, the symptoms are with me. But worse now, I have this person who is a dead ringer in my circle.

He saw me at my most vulnerable and there’s no doubting his intentions or the fact he’s a good person. I just hope that with time my brain continues to grow on those facts.