Comments on: Can An Older Man Change Into a Committed Partner?http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/
Understand Men. Find Love.Fri, 18 Aug 2017 02:40:56 +0000hourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.7.5By: Stephen Lawrencehttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-6548914
Sun, 06 Nov 2016 09:00:18 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-6548914Denise, excellent reply, when applied to simple men. But there some men who are not simple at all, and if that’s who you go for, then different advice applies.
]]>By: CJhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/comment-page-2/#comment-6524792
Sun, 11 Sep 2016 21:40:40 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-6524792It might be the age and experience, not gender. I have also been through a divorce and I already know I will never co-habit or marry a man. It seems redundant and I like my own space. I do not feel like giving up all of my free time to wait around for a man to call me or be free to see me (the way it goes when you are younger). I won’t give up my hobbies or friends. He will need to fit around my life. So I also don’t think men should be put on pedestals and treated better than me because he is a man. I wouldn’t expect him to give up any of his hobbies, work time or wait around for me to tell him I’m free. I am now as selfish about my time as every man I’ve ever met. I hear every bit as much cynicism about women as you do about men. I think at our age and with our experiences, we have just had too many bad experiences not to be wary of the opposite sex. We both feel treated badly and unjustly in our relationships. Men usually about all the money they believe she swindled out of him(despite mountains of evidence that women are far worse off financially after divorce than men) and women for the lack of care of the marriage and family she believed caused the great divide in the first place. There is a huge disconnect somewhere.

]]>By: bachttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-6517185
Tue, 30 Aug 2016 11:29:04 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-6517185I could have written that myself. So true.
]]>By: Keithhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/comment-page-2/#comment-6490534
Sat, 02 Jul 2016 07:31:59 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-6490534Now at age 56, a year divorced after a 25 year marriage being destroyed by a cheating ex, I can say that I’m slowly becoming attracted again. But I don’t feel like pursuing or treating someone really special just to be able to be around them–that seems to be a requisite. I don’t think women should be placed on a pedestal above me. That treatment simply doesn’t make sense to me anymore. I don’t hate women, I just know that they aren’t any better than men. Being looked down on by women because I’m a man is common and simply unacceptable to me, and it seems a prevalent view among the middle age segment, especially. If I do connect with someone I don’t think marriage is a possibility or makes any sense at my age. I truly believe my view is reflective of many men out there.
]]>By: dennyhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-6486359
Sun, 19 Jun 2016 22:39:55 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-6486359#Jo that is so funny! Because its so true of some older men. But not all of them especially the less handsome, sicker, poorer ones. I am 60 female and fairly saggy baggy and not very rich. The hard thing is not to let loneliness and desperation drive choices about relationships. I am in a long term relationship which hasn’t been that enjoyable a lot of the time. Why do I stay? I am not frightened of being alone. But I hate feeling lonely and on the outside of life. My experience of dating back in my forties was really so negative that i have vowed never to do it again. Hence that is partly why i have stuck with my highly imperfect relationship. The question for me is this? Is it possible to live a happy, dignified, emotionally whole , life without an intimate partner. Should there come a time when we must face the truth that despite our best efforts a long stable and happy marriage lifestyle has failed to eventuate. Hold on to a dignified singledom and love oneself anyway. Dating the older you get seems to have so many problems especially for women way past their prime. The ever shrinking number of emotionally available and physically healthy, solvent, men of reasonable appearance make the choices stark. A good woman may be hard to find but a good older man is virtually impossible and so the rooster in the hen house is the funny but pretty accurate reality that I have witnessed.
]]>By: Jason Ellishttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/comment-page-2/#comment-2585482
Mon, 08 Sep 2014 13:29:07 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-2585482Cool! Grand Pa is still kicking ‘
]]>By: Gabbyhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-2277442
Sun, 03 Aug 2014 12:10:00 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-2277442A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots.
]]>By: Gabbyhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-2277431
Sun, 03 Aug 2014 12:07:57 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-2277431Starthrower68
I feel the same way. Shutting down even if I don’t want too. I’ve met some seriously damaged men over the years, especially divorced men 0ver 45years old. Now I can’t even bring my self to date anymore.
Read countless dating books. Not much helps. It’s seems almost impossible to find one that is slightly normal.
If I decide to date again I’ll will have a zero tolerance policy. If something doesn’t feel right it’s goodbye.
]]>By: jakkihttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-2130506
Sat, 12 Jul 2014 03:03:52 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-2130506THAT MAN IS MARRIED! TRUST ME!
]]>By: jakkihttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-2130493
Sat, 12 Jul 2014 02:59:36 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-2130493Food for thought: My brother told me :”why buy the cow when you can get the milk (sex) free”!
]]>By: Robinhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-1769908
Thu, 22 May 2014 14:38:33 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-1769908Hi Kat,

I am glad that you have had a positive experience – seems like the only one on this specific blog! But what I find amazing is that people just say “he’s just not into you” when it could actually be that “he is struggling to be that into anyone”.

I have unfortunately been with a series of commitment phobes and just read an interesting book on the subject (Men Who Cannot Love). For lots of men (and women), it is not just a question of being into someone. I have been with two men now that have told me that they have never loved anyone else as they have loved me. And I believe them. The issue with a lot of commitment phobes is that they might actually BE with the RIGHT person but they have such intense commitment issues that they scare themselves to death…and so they bolt. Or they remain wishy-washy, driving the other person insane (been there, done that more times/years than I care to remember).

So while I am not saying that this is any better, I am saying that it is certainly not so black and white as this – he’s into you, he plays a part in your life, and he’s not into you, so he doesn’t. What if he is but he is too scared to play a part (and then has a myriad of excuses to not to). Even the most perfect person in the world for them can seem flawed when seen through the eyes of fear.

People like this obviously need help. Whether they accept their issues and then get any is another thing. But I do feel sad for people who are older in their lives and still have commitment problems (which has haunted them their entire life). My bf is 60, and I am struggling with them everyday still. I am not sure if I will much longer though because as Evan says, you cannot change someone who does not to change. And after a point, you need to tell yourself enough is enough…even if they are good people (and into you!).

]]>By: Morganhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-1626174
Tue, 06 May 2014 21:26:35 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-1626174@starthrower 68
The 2nd guy you spoke about, the one that said “You drive me crazy!” sounds like the guy I just ended it with. Altho we had 5 weeks of emailing and talking on phone, he was too much too soon. He told me he loved me the first date. He said the same thing, “you drive me crazy, I’ve never met anyone like you, I’ve never felt like this”, and the nail in coffin pretty much was, “I’ve never wanted to marry but after meeting you I want to marry you”. All within 2 weeks. This is a guy, who over 3 months, made incongruent statements, backtracked his stories when I’d call him out on inconsistencies, who had all his exes still in love with him (REALLY??), and wanted me to move in the first 2 weeks….then when he knew I was “in” became passive aggressive, mean, played mind games. Would not return my call for hours and stopped any gift giving (He bought me several gifts even before I met him…sending them to a PO Box). It was confusing because it was interspersed with attention, making dates with me, spending time with me, and good sex.
I stepped back, broke it off, he came running with “I’ll change”. I gave him another chance, things got worse as far as passive aggressive behavior and denials of behavior….when I ended it for good I’m now hearing, “Don’t let our great love go.”
I kick myself for thinking that I might not have been seeing bad behavior because it was so subtle but now it is painfully and glaringly obvious. Yikes! I’m happy it was only a few months…not a few years.
]]>By: Selenahttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/comment-page-2/#comment-974407
Mon, 26 Aug 2013 18:47:12 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-974407Yes Meg there is a way “to get Even with a guy like this”: create a happy, fullfilling life for yourself. You’ve allowed this for 19 years…don’t make it 20.
]]>By: Meghttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-974405
Mon, 26 Aug 2013 18:18:47 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-974405is there Anyway to get Even with a guy like this?
]]>By: Meghttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-974400
Mon, 26 Aug 2013 14:38:21 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-974400For 19 years now I have been letting this Guy Waste my time and Tie up my Life.
Now we are Older.he has used Every Excuse under the Sun.
I have never met his friends…Says he does not have Any.
Says he has no Family.His dad is dead now. no Children…
i have to fly to see him. we stay in a Hotel suite… the Best.he is afraid to Fly he says..
his excuse…He works from Home..the Hotel gives him a Break.
We stay in….don’t know who We hide from….no wife….he says an old girlfriends Stalks Him…
He did buy me a car years ago …….when I told him to go to H…and not to come back….
I am demanding a House so he is Sulking Right now…
Stopped calling.. When I got tough…Told him I wanted More..
Found a House. But no one can Hedge and put off like him..
Women can be so Dumb..
]]>By: Johttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-758824
Wed, 03 Apr 2013 03:54:49 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-758824Unmarried older men are the proverbial roosters in the henhouse. They know they have the upper hand and can date whomever they want: younger or older or whatever. So many older women are so desperate that they put up with it, and the younger gals think they’re going to get a ‘catch’ so they put up with it too. It’s insane.
]]>By: Sparkling Emeraldhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-755534
Sun, 31 Mar 2013 17:46:45 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-755534Joe 25 “If a single woman wants to marry a man, get off the pill, and get pregnant. Because only a Baby will make a man commit to marriage.”
———————–
Boo, hiss, to that comment. TERRIBLE advice !!!!!!! First of all, there are tons of single moms, who were never married to their baby-daddy. So a baby will not make a player commit. Maybe a court ordered support check, but not a proposal. Second of all, shot-gun weddings often times lead to crappy marriages. Third of all, a baby deserves to be wanted and loved by BOTH parents, using a baby as a means of “trapping” a man is despicable.
If a woman wants to marry, don’t waste time on a man who doesn’t. Move on, there are men out there who want marriage and children, in that order. Her chances of finding one are greater if she doesn’t waste time on anti-marriage men.
]]>By: Frankohttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-755394
Sun, 31 Mar 2013 14:36:26 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-755394well i am a 58 year old man looking to have a love life again, but meeting a good woman again after a divorce which my wife was the one that cheated on me make it worse now. there are so many women that seem to have such an attitude problem today, and play very hard too get. it is wonderful to share a life with a woman, and who would like to be alone anyway? not me, and i can certainly speak for myself. but there are many people that do like staying alone, and more power for them. there are not that many good places to go too where i am, and that makes it much more difficult for people are age. my aunt and uncle are very lucky since they are starting their 65th year together, and that just shows you how much different the times were back then when most of the women were very committed to their men and accepted them for who they were. most of the women nowadays are looking for men with a very large bank account, and these type of women are users as well as losers anyway. it was certainly meant to be for my aunt and uncle to be together, and they met when they were kids in school which was much easier back then. for me, going out all over again and dealing with this mess really sucks for me. it is like a joke trying to meet a good woman again, since there are so many very rude women today. at my age it is very difficult now, since time is short for me. i wish that i was born a lot sooner, then i could have avoided this mess now and had my own family that i would have wanted. but now i will just go out again and hope for the best.
]]>By: Joehttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-134167
Mon, 31 Jan 2011 22:47:51 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-134167At 65, and if you’re not married, just enjoy the freedom, at least that is what a single man who is not interested in marriage would do. A lot of Men do not want to be tied down if they are not married. They want to be Free from girlfriends, wives, and have free time, and be able to date many women. There’s nothing wrong with that decision or lifestyle as long as you are not married. And its expected for Single Men to have fun and enjoy their freedom.
Now, unfortunately for single women, they want monogamous relationships with one man for marriage or quasi-marriage. Unfortunately, the Good-looking rich players know they have their pick and will never settle down. That is just life.
If a single woman wants to marry a man, get off the pill, and get pregnant. Because only a Baby will make a man commit to marriage.
]]>By: KJhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-101527
Sat, 04 Dec 2010 13:46:10 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-101527@ Kat 21 and Denise
I agree that people are always changing. I think we all reach a point where we are inspired to become more self aware, recognise our fears, manage them better, but it often seems to take a real crisis!
And even then, it can take years to work out old counter-productive habits and emotional reflexes.
It might sound cruel – but I’ve found that leaving people to it helps them own it, and can spur their personal growth. Let them come forward in their own time.
Don’t neglect your own flow!
]]>By: Denisehttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-101272
Thu, 02 Dec 2010 17:48:12 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-101272Kat, I’m a little floored by your post. I dated and fell in love with a man who was newly separated–he on several times said he felt the same way about me. Our timing was off though, and he wasn’t ready to get involved with another woman so soon. Totally understood, I’m about a 1.5 years ahead of him in regard to separation and divorce.

He’s kept in touch with me, it’s been over a year. I saw him earlier this year where we slept together. I spoke to him about a month ago on the phone, otherwise it’s via email or text.

I’ve held off sleeping with him again, because I didn’t want to have frustrating or negative feelings towards him. Maybe that’s a bit short sighted. I don’t have those feelings like I’ve had for him in the past, and I’ve dated plenty of other men and have a very active social life.

I too dated a man over the summer, and recently had a phone conversation with him. We agreed we both had a great time on our last date and he said he would call. Never heard from him.

I agree with you, obviously he’s ‘not just into me’…that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Disappointing, but reality 🙂

]]>By: Kat Wilderhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-101252
Thu, 02 Dec 2010 14:05:11 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-101252Here’s my experience, although I know it isn’t everyone’s. I’m middle aged and divorced — not really looking to marry again but, yes, a life partner at some point would be nice. A few years ago I met a man and we clicked immediately; he said he wanted to be my boyfriend, not just my lover, and we dated for a few months. I had fallen in love, hard.
Then one day he said he couldn’t commit. I was hurt but I’m old enough to know that it takes people a few months, if not longer, before they know whether they really want to stay in a relationship with someone or not. So we split but remained friendly, and I went about dating others and even had a loving relationship with a man I knew I wouldn’t be with forever. He and I kept in contact and, yes, sometimes slept together. The time away from him was actually helpful, because it helped me clarify for myself what I really wanted.
About a year and a half later, I got a long email from him, explaining “why he disappeared” (there were things happening in his life he wasn’t ready to share with me back then) and that he still loved me. He hoped he hadn’t messed everything up by his actions, and he hoped I would take him back.
And I did. And we’ve been together — living separately as we each have kids still at home — ever since. It was a risk I was willing to take because he’s a good man.
So, do people change? We’re always changing. Sometimes the reason people don’t commit has a back story someone may not be able/willing to share at a particular time. That may or may not be this man’s story, but you have to ask yourself — what do I really want, when do I want it and from whom?
]]>By: jennyanahttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-101186
Thu, 02 Dec 2010 01:28:26 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-101186#14 Honey.

You’re right about that. Sometimes people can click the first time they see each other. Congratulations on your future wedding. 🙂

#16 Denise

Thank you. Believe me, it wasn’t easy, but I realized that I was doing something wrong when it came to dating. I had no problem getting second or third dates; my main problem was that I got into relationships in where I wasn’t treated right and just stayed there because I thought they could change.

I do want to be in a loving and committed relationship. I know it’s not easy finding the right partner, but I keep trying. 🙂 This year brought a lot of changes in my life: new country, new job, new friends, first time living alone, etc. I’m working on my profile because next year I’ll try online dating for the first time. 🙂

Finally, sometimes men do act differently from what we expect, but there’s nothing we can do about it. For example, I met a man when I moved here at the beginning of the year. For the first months, nothing happened. Out of the blue, last month he asked me to see a movie with him. I went and had a great time and told him so. I wasn’t expecting nothing more. Well, we ended up going out two more times. I always made sure we both had a good time and thanked him for the date. I started to like him and see him in a different light. Right now I haven’t heard from him for the past three weeks. At first I was a little disappointed because I was beginning to like him, but what can I do? He always told me that he had a great time. I don’t regret going out with him; he was a perfect gentleman and a very nice person. I’m sure that if he was interested he would have pursued me, but that is not the case.

]]>By: Brithttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-101150
Wed, 01 Dec 2010 18:10:47 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-101150Yes, there is no doubt that this older man does not want a committed relationship. It’s really not that hard to figure out whether a guy is interested in you or not. If he is interested, he will try hard. What counts as trying hard may vary from person to person but once you get to know a person, you can tell if he is trying hard or not. If he is not, then … yes … he is just not that into you. Move on.
]]>By: Emilyhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-100701
Tue, 30 Nov 2010 18:19:45 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-100701I dated a non-committal older man for 15 YEARS! We lived in different cities, never shared a home and really, I could describe it more as co-dependent FWB. I think we wasted each others lives as he is now 50 and has no wife or children because it was just easier to be with me. (I know, I completely wasted those years. Now I’m left starting life over at 35!)
I next dated a VERY eager guy who texted me after every date, texted me everyday, emailed constantly and ALWAYS made plans for the weekends, even took me on several extravagant trips. I didn’t know what to do with so much attention.
I thought it was dream come true and I admit, I also saw it as kind of a reward for the last 15 years basically amounting to nothing. I met the parents and all his closest friends right away, he started calling me “his girl” and when I asked him what that meant he got all shy and said he was “content to date me and wasn’t seeing anyone else.”
Tthis man was textbook “into me” and it all blew up. He had bitterly divorced 10 years earlier and not a day went by that he didn’t feel the need to assert that marriage was just for women who “want baubles” and that he was “never getting married.”
After 15 years with someone culminating in a heartbreaking split rather than a future, I couldn’t deal with all his anti-marriage commentary. I had planned on playing cool and seeing where things went but he was also an avid blogger and I would find things he’d written, such as that smart men “don’t buy, they rent” when it came to relationships. It was like a karmic test having to listen to and read all that.
So, I never let my guard down because I felt like he was making sure I was always aware that it wouldn’t last. Eventually, he broke up with ME because he said he “didn’t feel like our relationship was headed anywhere.” I felt like I’d been slapped – he was criticizing ME because we hadn’t developed an intimate connection!
I was DEVASTATED for a long time but reading Gabrielle’s comment about emotional instability and substance abuse (we spent most of our time together drunk) had shed some light on some things. I have blamed myself for months for “failing” to overlook his words and focus on his actions.
I still question if I should have just been cool and let his actions keep speaking or if I am human to have been freaked out by his negative words.
]]>By: starthrower68http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-100351
Mon, 29 Nov 2010 05:34:12 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-100351I just totally purged a guy that was another HJNTIY situation. I get it. I have no desire to hold on, analyze it, wait for it change, or anything else. I’ll just feel disappointed for however long I’m going to and then get over it. I’m sure the rejection was a blessing in disguise, but it doesn’t feel very good at the time its happening.

The other night I chatted with one, with whom it was the first conversation. He was full of crap with the “you drive me crazy”, “I’ve never felt this way” blah blah blah yada yada yada. I suspect he’s a hot and cold type. My gut tells me there’s something not right with that one and I hope I don’t hear from him again.

The third one, I don’t know. He admits he hates being alone. He asked me what makes think I’m complete without a man by my side. I can’t say I have any interest in this one. I guess I’ll keep chatting in the event it changes, but right now it’s kinda like, eh, whatever. I keep giving it the old college try, but I don’t know. I feel myself shutting down even if I don’t want to.

Congratulations Honey! Sounds like you two are meant to be and you are very lucky. I wish that was more of the norm, a lot of people would find dating a lot easier! 🙂

#15 Gabrielle

Being patient can be reaallllyyy difficult. It’s in women’s DNA to want to know the outcome to things–is this Mr. Right? Have you ever heard of the story about Bluebeard? 🙂 We want to know the answers to mysteries, one of the reasons astrology and stuff is so popular with women.

It’s especially difficult to wait for the Mr. Right to come along. For me, I would much rather be alone that be with a man that I’m not physically really into, isn’t able to be a good friend and true partner, and who I don’t have similar beliefs, values and goals.

#13 Jennyanna

Good for you! Sounds like you are downing down a similar path that I went down after I separated from my husband. I’m now 5 years down the road and a much better person for all of it. I also commend you for being truly OPEN to thinking and doing things differently than you have in the past.

I also agree wholeheartedly that the information can be overwhelming. I think you’ll see though that basically everyone is saying the same thing, but coming at it from a different perspective and style, which I think is really helpful. I would also say that a lot of this stuff is not really rocket science, you don’t have to be perfect. As a matter of fact, I think you’ll know when it’s ‘love’ when you do screw up something, he sticks around. He’s the keeper! 🙂

I’m not seeing heresay in these posts, I’m seeing observations. You clearly have an opinion on this subject, so why not offer it?

@Honey (#14)
I wish you much luck and happiness.
I agree, it’s possible for two people to click instantly and have a great long-term relationship. Isn’t it wonderful when that happens?

@Jennyana: It seems patience is a virtue that mature/together folks possess. Immature/unhealthy people seem to want it all, right now, and they let go just as easily as they grab. I’m seeing that a lot of patient people are TIRED of patiently building and rebuilding just to get knocked down again.
Maybe that’s why so many folks in their 40’s on up have given up?
I dunno. I’m just thinking out loud at this point.

]]>By: Honeyhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-100285
Sun, 28 Nov 2010 18:20:46 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-100285@jennyana, Observation is good but that doesn’t mean two people can’t click instantly. My boyfriend and I exchanged maybe 2 emails before meeting (no phone calls), agreed to be exclusive before the end of the first date and were long-distance within a week. It’s been over four and a half years now, and a wedding date set (in fact, we invited a bunch of my family when we had dinner with them last night!).
]]>By: jennyanahttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-100262
Sun, 28 Nov 2010 13:42:48 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-100262@ Denisse #5

I totally agree with you. Sometimes women want commitment too fast. I think it is best to observe a persons actions and efforts for a period of time.

When I was in my teens and 20’s most of my friends (including myself) became boyfriend/girlfriend material in a month of meeting each other. How did that work out? Usually it ended really bad. Both parties never had time to really get to know each other. Now that I’m in my early 30’s, I started reading lots of books about dating and relationships (Evan’s, Pat Allen’s and John Gray’s books). I try to put everything in practice. It is a whole different perspective, and believe me, sometimes I can feel overwhelmed with so much information, but I believe the advice they give is truly wonderful. In my previous long term relationships, the men used to call me everyday, made plans to see me, became boyfriend in less than 2 months, etc, only to blow cold after that. I ended up doing most of the pursuing later on, and believe me, it never worked. So now I only observe.

]]>By: Keylockhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-100229
Sun, 28 Nov 2010 07:29:11 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-100229@ Denise,
I am in full agreement with you! The difference is men and boys in my mind!
Evan, your a breath of fresh air. Many are thankful for your openness and honesty about relationships, including myself. Many blessings to you, your wife and your new addition 🙂 You are cherished by many!
God Bless
Keylock
]]>By: hunterhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-100225
Sun, 28 Nov 2010 06:20:39 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-100225all of this hearsay, how interesting…very interesting..
]]>By: Denisehttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-100183
Sat, 27 Nov 2010 22:10:16 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-100183@#9 Gabrielle

You are RIGHT ON with your observation about men who do this.

Mature men (who are usually of good character as well) don’t commit easily. They protect their resources (time, affection, attention, humor, labor, money) and don’t expend them foolishly.

]]>By: Gabriellehttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-100168
Sat, 27 Nov 2010 20:30:53 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-100168Sigh.
I love this blogpost because it’s absolutely spot on. Brutal, but sometimes I need that kind of reminder, even though I don’t like hearing it. Guys like that are easy: smile, be friendly and observant. Never give more than you get, emotionally. The key is spotting a guy like that before investing.
Here’s where I got crossed up: The men who “made an effort and talked about a future” throw up big red flags for me.
Why?
The ones I’ve run across all seem to have serious emotional, mental or substance abuse issues. It’s gotten so the ones who say, “What are you doing tomorrow? How about the next day? What about this weeknend? Let’s make plans for the holidays. I want you to meet my family. Did you get my voice mail last night? I think I’m falling in love with you.” immediately make me nervous.
It’s messed up. I don’t know what to do about it.
]]>By: Honeyhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-100143
Sat, 27 Nov 2010 15:18:37 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-100143People change for the next person (sometimes), but however they are with you is how they will always be with you.
]]>By: Sarahrahrah!http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-100043
Fri, 26 Nov 2010 20:28:41 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-100043This post exemplifies one of the reasons why I like and respect Evan. If he didn’t have integrity, he would encourage this woman to indulge her fantasies and to use him to help her solve the impossible. Instead, he *keeps it real* by speaking directly and to the heart of the matter.
If I was going to hire a dating coach, it would be Evan, hands down. His character is evident in his writing — I wouldn’t want anyone else who might not have my best interests at heart.
Evan, even though it is a day after Thanksgiving, I am extremely thankful for the wisdom and honesty you freely shared by Evan and all on these pages. I wish everyone much personal happiness in the year to come.
]]>By: Denisehttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-100019
Fri, 26 Nov 2010 15:11:44 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-100019This was a quote I had from another newsletter, which I think says it perfectly. It would be great if Evan agrees:

You don’t want to come across as if not caring about how your behavior is viewed by others, but you also must conduct yourself in a confident way – someone who accepts who she is, but is curious, bent on improvement in all areas that matter to her, and someone who has standards not just for herself, but for OTHERS too.

Shift the focus from “Am I good enough,” or from “Is HE good enough,” to the perfect balance: “Are WE right for each other.”

Then EVERYTHING else about dating works itself out the way it was meant to.

]]>By: Denisehttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-100010
Fri, 26 Nov 2010 13:18:12 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-100010Excellent answer Evan, I love the way you get right to the heart of the matter in a clear way. There is NO doubt in dating that when one likes another person a lot, and the other person doesn’t feel the same way that it’s disappointing. I don’t know of any way to avoid that happening in life (other than not interacting with men romantically at all).

A few other things I would add that the OP doesn’t really talk about, so I’m not sure if they apply, however, there are always two sides to a story.

It also seems very commone that women want to go from dating to committment like within a month’s time. They totally invade a man’s boundaries, doing things for him that are totally inappropriate (desperate, needy, clingy are words that come to mind) or give up their lives. I find too these women make this same mistake over and over and over again–then they get pissed at the guy when he pulls back, now it’s his fault and all men are committment phobes and jerks.

Let the man show who he is and how interested he is–let him ‘work’ to win you (the generic you!). That takes time and PATIENCE. In the meantime, if the woman is continuing to date other men, she’s not all hooked into the guy emotionally. If he doesn’t show that he’s interested, then it’s just the way the dating and human game goes and to let that man out of your dating cycle. This is opposed to now saying the guy (and usually expands out to all men) is a jerk and a commitment phobe.

One great thing about men is they are very simple and straightforward. They don’t stay in their head analyzing everything, making excuses and thinking of ways to piss women off. They go by how they feel. If they feel pressured or smothered or there is no ‘challenge’ to winning the woman, more than likely, they will disappear somewhere down the line. (And if they don’t, then he’s probably not a good man of maturity and character.)

]]>By: dethahttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-99972
Fri, 26 Nov 2010 05:29:06 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-99972It is painfully obvious that this older gentleman does not want a serious committed relationship. The OP best move on to someone who is happy to commit to her.
]]>By: Rubyhttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-99968
Fri, 26 Nov 2010 05:07:06 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-99968First off, I don’t think age has anything to do with it. I agree about the mixed signals, but I’ve also learned (the hard way), that mixed signals are the equivalent of red flags. For example, a man might tell me that he’s not really looking to get serious, that he just wants to date, but he thinks I’m great and is open to seeing where things go. In the past, I’d basically ignore the “not looking for anything serious” part, and focus on the “he thinks I’m great and he’s open to seeing where things go with us!” part. I’ve learned (partly from reading this blog) that if a guy tells you he isn’t looking to get serious right now – and 9 times out of 10, a man will tell you that early on – he means it and is unlikely to change for you. I prefer to deal with reality, even if it hurts a bit, than to project a fantasy relationship on someone that will most probably never happen.

As Evan stated, the men who have really wanted a relationship with me let me know it. They are the ones who took down their dating profiles or stopped browsing online, they’re the ones who have made dates with me right away, they’re the one who say “we”, and they’re the ones who talk about a future.

Also, just about all of these men who weren’t looking for anything serious ended up getting married or finding a girlfriend within months of our breaking up. Dating should be about liking someone the way they are right now, not falling in love with the potential of what MIGHT be if only the guy would come around.
.
]]>By: Selenahttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-99951
Fri, 26 Nov 2010 01:04:15 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-99951I agree that book could have been subtitled “Duh”, but the reason it was necessary to have been written (and has since become ingrained in relationship lexicon) is because alot (ALOT) of men send mixed signals in the first few months of dating. Some come on like Superboyfriend for several weeks, then become “super busy”, or less attentive. The woman wonders what’s up? Did she do/say something wrong? Turn him off? Maybe she just really misread his interest? Then…when she’s about to say “Oh, well” – he’s baaack. Rinse, repeat.

As long as there are people out there sending mixed signals, there will be an equal number of other people wondering if they are dealing with JNTIY, or something else. Like a quirk?

]]>By: Stevehttp://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/can-an-older-man-change-into-a-committed-partner/#comment-99902
Thu, 25 Nov 2010 17:01:14 +0000http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=4715#comment-99902This delusion is so commonplace that a book like “He’s Just Not that Into You” was seen as revelatory, when to men it could have been subtitled, “Duh.”

Thank you! It is amazing how much mileage that author got out of only stating the painfully obvious.
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