The Bride’s Boon – (Tuhfat Al-Arous): Mahmood Mahdi Al-Istanboli

The marital life is an interesting and necessary institution. If one fails to understand the core of the conjugal relation between man and woman he will lead a life of oblivion and disorientation.

I hope that the prospective spouse study the technique of marriage before getting into it. Unless we teach our prospective spouses the correct way of their new marital life, they may resort to erotic books or stories that mislead them. There are many misconceptions about marriage and man-woman relationship.

Therefore, I decided to write this beneficial treatise and authenticated treatment clearly explaining the way to a happy marital life. I pointed out certain issues important to everyone who marries, and with which many wives in particular have been tested. I ask Allah Most High to bring about some benefit from this treatise, and to accept this work solely for His glorious countenance. Surely, He is the Righteous, the Merciful.

It should be known that there are many etiquette in the area of marriage. All that I am concerned with here in this quickly compiled work is the Qur’anic verses and that which is authenticated of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad, that which is irreproachable from the standpoint of its chain of narration and upon which no doubt can be cast in terms of its constructions and meanings. In this way, whoever reads and follows this information will be on a clearly established basis in religion, and will have full confidence in tl1e source and validity of his actions. I hope for him that Allah will put the final seal of felicity on his life, in reward for beginning his married life with the following of the Sunnah, and to make for him among His slaves. I openly discussed sexual relation between husband and wife. No wonder, Islam is a realistic religion. Sex is a natural and creative urge. Hence, Islam lays down great importance on marriage and the constitution of a new family.

When talking about sex, the Glorious Qur’an is very euphemistic though clear. Particularly, the Qur’an uses euphemism and figurative speech when dealing with matters pertaining to sex and man-woman relationship.

The Qur’an deals with the human life and all what it contains. It permeates into the personal relationship between husband and wife to organize it. It further provides the remedy to one’s passion and passionate love.

When recounting the story of Yusuf (pbuh), the Qur’an highlights the conflict between the blazing sexual urge and the suppression of that urge by adhering to Allah’s Guidance. Allah Almighty says:

{But she in whose house he was, sought to seduce him and she fastened the doors, and said: ‘Now come,” He said: “Allah forbid! Truly (thy husband) is my lord! he made my sojourn agreeable! Truly to no good come those who do wrong and (with passion) did she desire him, and he would have desired her, but that he saw the evidence of his Lord: thus (Did you order) that We might turn away from him indecent deeds: For he was one of Our servants chosen.}} [Yusuf: 23-24]

The evidence which Yusuf saw was the evidence of faith. In the Prophetic Hadith we have also another story which emphasizes that faith is the safety belt that protects man against whatever he might face of worldly appeals.

Allah’s Messenger said, “While three persons were traveling, they were overtaken by rain and they took shelter in a cave in a mountain. A big rock fell from the mountain over the mouth of the cave and blocked it. They said to each other. ‘Think of such good (righteous) deeds which, you did for Allah’s sake only, and invoke Allah by giving reference to those deeds so that Allah may relieve you from your difficulty.

One of them said, ‘O Allah! I had my parents who were very old and I had small children for whose sake I used to work as a shepherd. When I returned to them at night and, milked (the sheep), I used to start giving the milk to my parents first before giving to my children. And one day I went far away in search of a grazing place (for my sheep), and didn’t return home till late at night and found that my parents had slept. I milked (my livestock) as usual and brought the milk vessel and stood at their heads, and I disliked to wake them up from their sleep, and I also disliked to give the milk to my children before my parents though my children were crying (from hunger) at my feet. So this state of theirs and mine continued till the day dawned. (O Allah!) If you considered that I had done that only for seeking Your pleasure, then please let there be an opening through which we can see the sky.’ So Allah made for them an opening through which they could see the sky.

Then the second person said, ‘O Allah! I had a she-cousin whom I loved as much as a passionate man loves a woman. I tried to seduce her but she refused till I paid her one hundred Dinars. So I worked hard till I collected one hundred Dinars and went to her with that But when I sat in between her legs (to have sexual intercourse with her), she said, ‘O Allah’s slave! Be afraid of Allah! Do not deflower me except legally (by marriage contract). So I left her O Allah! If you considered that I had done that only for seeking Your pleasure then please let the rock move a little to have a (wider) opening.’ So Allah shifted that rock to make the opening wider for them.

And the last (third) person said ‘O Allah! I employed a laborer for wages equal to a Faraq (a certain measure: of rice, and when he had finished his ,job he demanded his wages, but when I presented his due to him, he gave it up and refused to take it. Then I kept on sowing that rice for him (several times) till managed to buy with the price of the yield, some cows and their shepherd Later on the laborer came to me and said. ‘(O Allah’s slave!) Be afraid O Allah, and do not be unjust to me an give me my due.’ I said (to him). ‘Go and take those cows and their shepherd. So he took them and went away. (So, O Allah!) If You considered that I had done that for seeking Your pleasure, then please remove the remaining part of the rock.’ And so Allah released them (from their difficulty).”

This book consists of a scientific and realistic discussion of manwoman relationship. Spouses should know each other spiritually, physically and sexually.

They must not feel shy when discussing such matters that to sex. They should feel that they are one entity. Platonic love is not enough to unify the spouse hearts. Sexual satisfaction may be the fruit of their physical and spiritual unity. Therefore, they must be creative and cooperative.

Man-woman relationship is not only innate but also acquired. It needs much study to be understood. It needs developing and renovating so that the partners might not feel bored or monotonous.

Foreword:

All praise is due to Allah, Exalted be He, the One who made marriage lawful and superior. He made it for the continuation of mankind and the population of the earth. He the Almighty said in the clear verses of His Book:

{(And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect)} [Al-Rum 30:21]

These verses of the Noble Qur’an clearly show that in contrast to other religions like Christianity, Buddhism, Judaism etc. which consider celibacy or monasticism as a great virtue and a means of salvation, Islam considers marriage as one of the most virtuous and approved institutions. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) declared, “There is no monasticism in Islam.” He further ordained, “O you young men! Whoever is able to marry should marry, for that will help him to lower his gaze and guard his modesty.”[Al-Bukhari]

“Many the affectionate and fertile (woman), for I will compete with the other Prophets with the number of my followers on the Day of Judgement.” [Ahmad and Tabarani]

The human desire, although common to all living beings, in case of men and women there are some unique aspects. There are in Islam, certain etiquette upon anyone who marries and wishes to consummate his marriage with his wife. Most Muslims today, even those who exert themselves in Islamic worship have either neglected or become totally ignorant of these Islamic etiquette.

It is also important that you know how to deal with your wife to get the reward of this worldly life and the Hereafter. The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) is reported to have said, “There are three things that bring happiness: a righteous woman whom you admire when seeing her, and whom you trust as regards your honor and property when leaving her, a good mount that enables you catch your friends, and a wide house that has many utilities. But there are three things that bring adversity: a woman whom you dislike when seeing her, who hurts you with her tongue, and whom you do not trust as regards your honor and property when leaving her, a bad mount that bothers you if you heat it, and if you do not beat it, it does not help you catch your friends, and a narrow house that has few utilities.” [Narrated by Al-Hakim]

“Whoever Allah grants him a righteous woman has got one half of his re1igion. Thus, he should fear Allah in the other half” [Narrated by At-Tabarani].

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Table of Contents:

• Foreword

• Introduction

• Marriage is an Act of Worship

– Marriage as Allah’s Favor
– The superiority of Marriage
– Chastity
– Women Are on the Top of Worldly Enjoyment
– Misconception of Worship

– The Bride’s Consent Before Marriage
– The Woman’s Right to Marry a Suitable Match of Her Choice
– The Presentation of Ones Daughter (for Marriage) To a Religious Man
– The Bride’s Dowry
– A Proposal of Marriage
– The Necessity of Giving the Dowry
– The Address While Marriage Proposal

• Recommendations before Marriage

• In the Bed room

– Caressing One’s Wife When the Consummation of Marriage with Her
– What a Husband Says on the First Day of Marriage
– Women’s Speech
– What a Husband Says upon the First Time to Have Sexual Intercourse with His Wife
– The Prohibition of Spreading Bedroom Secrets
– What a Husband Does on the Next Day of Marriage
– How Does a Husband Approach His Wife
– Reward Even While Having Sexual Intercourse
– Reward for Those Who Have Sexual Intercourse with Their Wives on Fridays
– Sodomizing One’s Wife
– Guarding One’s Nakedness Except from His wife
– Intercourse with One’s Wife during Menstruation
– One’s Privacy before his Wife
– Wash Yourself for Another Sexual Approach
– The House Must Have a Place for Bathing
– Disaffecting a Person’s Wife

• Caressing

– Caressing One’s Wife
– Caressing One’s wife Even While Menstruation
– The Bathing of Husband And Wife together
– The Superiority of Caressing One’s wife
– Having Sexual Intercourse With One’s Wife While
– Fasting in Ramadan
– The Prophet, the Funny Husband

• The Wedding Banquet

– The Wedding Banquet
– The Obligation of Accepting the Wedding Banquet
– Not Accepting the Wedding Banquet If One sees something disapproved of (from the standpoint of religion) in the party
– Supplication While the Wedding Banquet

• Take Care of Women

– Kind Treatment of One’s Wife
– How to Deal with a Wife Whom You Dislike
– Forbearing One’s Wife
– The Exhortation of Taking Care of Women
– The High Rank of woman in Islam

– The Wife’s Rights
– Deserting One’s Wife for a Long Time
– The Wife as a Friend
– The Husband’s Right towards his Wife
– A Woman’s Voluntary Fasting
– The Superiority of Maintaining One’s Husband
– The Heavenly Wives Defending Their Husbands
– The Reward of Obeying One’s Husband
– Take Care of Women
– The Responsibility of the Spouse Towards Each Other
– The Political and Military Goals of Marriage
– Evidence of the Prophecy

• Marriage Is Enjoyment and Responsibility

– The Marital Life Is Not Just for Pleasure
– From the Arms of His Bride to the Battlefield
– How Islam Brings up the Woman
– Women and knowledge
– The Leisure Time
– Characteristics of the Leaders Wives
– The Prophet As A Serious Husband
– The Ascetic Life of the Prophet
– The Superiority of the Perseverance of One’s Wife
– Maintaining One’s Wife
– The Reward of Maintaining One’s Children
– A Miser Husband
– Having Many Children
– Giving the Call to Prayer in the Ears of the Newborn Baby
– Sacrifice for A Newborn and Circumcision
– Name-Giving
– The Prophet As A Kind Father
– Changing Silly Names
– The Tribulation of Children
– Islam and Girls
– The Reward of Taking Care of Girls
– Women and Teaching
– Maintaining the Woman’s Health
– Educational Principles
– Bringing up One’s Children
– When should a Child Be Ordered to Perform the Prayer
– Lying to One’s Children
– Equality Among Children
– Kind Treatment to One’s Children
– The Reward Granted to the Parents Who Have a Dead Child
– Intercession of Children for their Parents
– A Wife Should Relieve the Misfortune of Her Husband
– Obedience to One’s Parents

• The Tribulation of Women

– Cherchez la femme
– The seriousness of sex
– Non segregation of sexes and staying in seclusion with woman
– O Wife Be Ware!
– A gaze Is one of Satan’s Arrows
– The Clear Truth
– A Wife Should Satisfy Her Husband as Quick as Possible

• Family and Dangers

– The Husband’s Relatives and Friends
– Beware of the Display of Woman’s Body
– Women Imitating Men and Vice Versa
– Negative showing off
– The Prohibition of Imitating the Unbelievers
– Chaste people Are under Allah’s Shade
– The Reward of Chastity
– Do Not Approach Adultery
– Sexual Relation in Paradise
– Repentance

• Jealousy Consumes Love

– Jealousy

• A Feather in the Wind

– A wife Is Rebellion Against her Husband
– A Husband Is Rebellion Against His Wife
– Arbitration