Oregon Special Edition Barbie Dolls

February 20, 2008 — Bryan

If you are not familiar with Oregon, some of the humor of this post may be lost on you. However, you should be able to identify with areas in your own state where these special edition Barbies could be easily adapted. Feel free to create your own and post to your blog. By the way, for reference, I lived my first 12 years in Lebanon, Oregon and had relatives in Sweet Home. Now you’ll understand what I’m up against just based on my early years.

Mattel recently announced the release of the improved limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Oregon market:

Lake Oswego Barbie

This princess Barbie is sold only at the Pioneer Square Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

Beaverton Barbie

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Woodburn Barbie

This recently paroled Bilingual Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

Bend Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

Sweet Home Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Lebanon Barbie

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Sweet Home Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top; also available with a mobile home.

Eugene Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Eugene Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

North Portland Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant dolls from two different races. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the second infant.

Man oh man. I’d like to see the Pendleton one: “Complete with rodeo tickets, 4-door F-350 that’s about to be repossessed, and ability to emit odorless flatulence. Family tree of every other Pendleton Barbie included at no extra charge, so you know her social status at a glance.”

We’re not really sure what ‘race’ this model is. She looks hispanic, but her name is Cyndi Berkowitz, she is wearing so much pancake ‘base’ with painted eyebrows, tammy faye eyelashes and candy-apple tinted rouge that she looks just like all the others. She has bleached her hair… 6-months ago and the roots are black, but her bangs are stiffly pointing at the sky. She has 18 piercings… that you can “see”. She is wearing ‘gangsta’ clothes; pants 6 sizes too big with chains weighing it down and a Chicago WhiteSox jersey, has a armband tattoo and a tramp stamp. She has 3 kids all named Junior (pregnant with #4, unsure who the father is), if she wants just one of them, she uses their last name. She can be found driving a car straight from the set of Fast & Furious, yet pays for groceries with WIC and an Oregon Trail card.

I’ve lived in Oregon for 15 years. I love the “culture” here because I never have to take any responsibility for anything I say or do. I can call anyone a “hater” who disagrees with me. I can talk like I care about the environment and other living creatures, while consuming the Earth’s resources like a cockroach on a sugar cube. I can act dumb and dumber and it makes everyone think I am the bomb. I mean there are few places where you can just be an asshole and fit in perfectly fine. Oregon is one of them.

Was being sarcastic. Every place has it’s ups n downs. Lack of humility and self reflection just seem to be lacking in Oregon. Of course, maybe that’s just the state of our whole nation. Either way, the stereotypes are funny…except Sweet Home Barbie forgot to open carry her AK.

I kind of hoped there would be a “Portland Hipster” edition Barbie… This barbie comes from a wealthy family that she hates, but feels no pangs of conscience when accepting her monthly expense check from her dad. Her haircut is jagged, and her bangs are plastered almost horizontally across her forehead. A few years ago, she grew out of wearing her white belt, but that castro cap will so totally never go out of style. Her biting sarcasm and one-upsmanship when it comes to “the coolest band in the world” will drive you to stab yourself in your will to live, but she’s mastered the little girl cuteness factor, so if you’re male, you’ll instantly forgive her. Comes with kid sized bike and no job.

Salem Barbie: comes with J.C. Penney pants suit and Towncraft blouse, State Employee I.D. badge and Oregon Public Employees Union coffee mug, Rite-Aid discount card and sensible flats from Shoe Factory Outlet. Not for sale, but given as a premium for joining State Employees Credit Union. Her four-year-old Honda Civic available for premium members. Lobbyist Ken not currently available.

Oh man this is funny! I especially laughed over the Eugene Barbie – that’s where I grew up. Although I know these are gross stereotypes I disagree with Rick. Having spent many years in Portland and now having lived in Central Oregon for 9 years, I don’t think Bend really comes close. That represents maybe 1/2 of 1%. Don’t you know our economy is one of the worst in the nation? Not many Hummers here. But…it was still funny.

I think the Corvallis Barbie would be driving a Subaru with a sports rack and back side full of bumper stickers, including one that says “My other car is a bike” and an expired HP parking permit from when she used to work there. (Dog hair is free of charge.)

With her perfect hair and nails, she’d wear comfortable jeans and a 20 year old t-shirt with a peace sign. She would come with Prof. Longhair Ken with a graying beard, button-down untucked shirt, blue shorts, black socks and brown Birkenstocks.

Ashland Barbie drives the prerequisite Subaru Forester with 2.5 kids and 2 dogs, wearing tie dyed T-shirt and hemp maxi skirt, Dansko clogs and a hemp bag slung over the shoulder, BPA free water bottle with either hemp or China seeds floating in it and oh let’s not forget season passes to the Shakespeare Theatre. Optional 2nd Mommy and the kids conceived by anonymous donor or 2nd Mommy’s best friend from college, kids refer to their “Dad” and his life partner as uncle.

A Tillamook Barbie — She dons a Tillamook Cheese hoodie, a pair of thongs (they are called thongs, NOT FLIP FLOPS), optional rubber boots, and a pair of cut off shorts (or jeans for seasonal purposes) Comes with a Trailer house, and a jacked up Toyota Truck with Sand Damage. Redneck Ken comes with a variety of tattoos, including one that says “Hillbilly” on his back, and wears jeans with a dip ring in the rear pocket.

They forgot the California Transplant Barbie who is everywhere and has bought up all the property thus driving the price of land up so high that ordinary Oregon Barbies are unable to afford homes any longer.

And Glenwood Barbie. She doesn’t really live there but spends all her time at The Intersection panhandling with a cardboard sign. Same with Glenwood Ken although he rides a child’s bicycle, carries a back pack, and has a dog on a string. Also spends a lot of time hovering near Darimart.

Clackamas Barbie loves the great schools for her 2.5 children, drives a Subaru and Ken has a Beemer. Loves Costco and Nordies. Took the kids to the coast just before shool started. So glad she can get back to her yoga and “herb” garden. Chardonnay anyone?

Obviously wears a Dutch Bros T-shirt and has Dutch Mafia and Dutch Princess decals on her Toyota Camry. Has at least 2 dogs, one of which is named Dutch. Eyes dart rapidly due to Red Bull habit. Smiles all the time except when caffeine wears off. Loved high school and sad that BFFs are now all over the state.

Molalla Barbie worked as a bucker before the spotted owl showed up. Now she owns 5 horses and runs the circut around the 4th of July. She sells her own home grown Christmas trees in the winter and sky dives whenever the sun shines. She rides her bike down highway 211, going to Safeway, with a trailer behind that holds her dogs and goat. She used to have a Ford pickup, but it got caught and went down river in the flood waters of 1996.

We need a Willamette/Santiam Valley Barbie that has a grass seed farm with a John Deere Tractor, 4 door Ford F-250, Labrador retriever, wears jeans and t-shirt, and optional swimwear for the hotsprings.

Santiam Valley Barbie that works in the Cannery. Head scarf, hard hat, apron, jeans, t-shirt with corn or beans splattered on them from working the belts with a bag for her lunch. Dark circles under her eyes from working graveyard 2 months straight.

Ashland Barbie has gray hair, tickets to OSF in hand. Locally-sourced, natural products were used in the making of the doll, and she has not had vaccinations for any diseases. She carries a reusable shopping bag, and there is a life-sized one available for purchase. She comes with a smoke effect for summer months, and drives a Prius, Subaru, or an electric vehicle.

Should make grants pass barbie doll with 6 Ken dolls- all different baby daddys. Barbie should have 7 kids from all different father’s some which she doesn’t even know which one is the father. Then she needs a Honda civic that has fart cans on the back with a nice spray paint job. She also needs to lI’ve next door to the black guy that she sleeps with for meth. And she needs a meth and black tar heroine dealer. Have her with weed tattoos and complete with trashy clothes from goodwill. She would dress like a gangsta. Don’t forget to put pock marks all over her face because she is a methhead. Give her a voice box that says things like… I’m so itchy. Bugs are under my skin… omg .. someone is watching us.

I would like to see a Klamath Falls Barbie! I am not sure if we will though! I am sure that I am going to be called a couple of names, but the hilarity of the page has been lost on you! I am not sure what all she would come with!?! I am just trying to bring you all up to date!

There should be a Klamath Falls one. She would drive a low ride Elcomeno with air ride hydrolics, with a pear purple color. It will have a sterio that plays with bass so low it rattles the windows. She will wear mid-drift shirt that says Love across the low cut cleavage. Jeans so tight they look painted on, with holes up and down, and sharpie pictures. She would have Nike special edition shoes, and a knock off Gutchie purse. She would have at least least 3 kids obviously born back to back.
Unless from outer limits then she would drive a 4×4 pick-ups she wear Wrangler jeans, Roper boots lace up, casual T-shirt that form fitting. Hair long and in a pony under her Cowboy hat. She smoke while cussing some one out for driving to fast down the road were her horse is kept or kids play. In her truck would be a tool box full of every tool needed on the farm, a tow package, ice chest full of beer and sweet tea.thanks

Well I thought this was hilarious until the end when it got incredibly racist! Like fuck off for perpetuating black male stereotypes with that delinquent father “gangsta” shit. What in the actual fuck. Come on.

Springfield Barbie has multiple facial piercings with several large tattoos on her stomach and upper back of crosses, hearts and her ex-boyfriend’s name “Raul”. She comes with a beat-up green Ford Taurus at no extra charge and her upstairs, 1-bedroom apartment with faded carpet and cardboard window coverings can be purchased separately. She works at Taco Bell during the evening and spends most of her days sleeping or trying to get her new plants to grow under the heat lamp. She is secretly envious of her Eugene cousin Willow but doesn’t understand the whole no shaving thing.

These were done by someone quite a long time ago, at least 10 years ago, but due to copyright laws (Mattel) they were removed from that particular site, but it was already out there. A few are missing (West Hills Barbie, Stark Street Barbie, etc) and a few now seem dated to me, as the areas have changed a bit. We need some new ones, for sure!

Eugene Barbie updated: She was born at a tailgate party at Autzen Stadium, so has worn nothing but green and yellow since she was delivered during half-time on the table of a “Duck” themed motor home in the parking lot. She comes with assorted U of O facial decals, complete Nike wardrobe with 31 days of different webfoot-themed outfits (one pink for October) all with color coordinated Nike shoes, and a #8 tattoo. You may purchase the Eugene Barbie white Volvo with yellow pom poms (given to the crowd at all the 80’s games) behind the rear seat, and green team flags flying from both sides of the car (big green O on back window), optional alumni and Daisy Duck stickers available. Also available is the complete tailgate picnic set including Safeway Chicken, and ice chest filled with Ninkasi’s newest.

Coos Bay Barbie. She’s her own Grandma, eyes a little too widely spaced from generations of inbreeding. Lives in a manufactured home on a clearcut, has numerous dogs, al having some degree of Pit Bull in their genetic make up. Is also a foster parent, and knows several DHS and CPS agents on a first name basis, as they are always dropping by to investigate yet another complaint.

New for 2016! Florence coastal Barbie! Comes in two versions for different audiences. Younger Florence Barbie drives a black Suburban, and is attired in stretch jeans, Eric Michael boots and a black puff jacket. Hair options include red or blonde highlights. Complete with ankle tattoo and summer capris, additional outfits include squall jacket and running shoes. Barbie also comes with her chocolate lab “Molly”, who drools when squeezed. Ken doll is optional, used for play dates on weekends. Skipper and friends can be purchased attired in volleyball and softball gear.
Older Florence Barbie comes complete with two small white dogs, red Toyota Prius and three sets of reading glasses for driving. She shops at the grocery store only in the middle of the day and won’t be on the road after dark. She has a California tan that fades over time. Optional Ken doll has white hair and hearing aids. Both dolls attired in sensible clothing for volunteering at the local charity.