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Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Hiya folks, I'm back. So with the
trend of superhero shows massing from ABC to CW to Netflix you
wonder if any are allowed to show any form of adult theme or
interaction. Oh Agents of SHIELD have eluded to but the
restrictions of the channel's by-laws forbid any nudity of any such.
What about powered beings that think, act and talk like humans?
Daredevil and Jessica Jones have given a more realistic stance in
that and I imagine The Defenders and Luke Cage will do the same.
Keeping that in mind, we never see them at their vulnerable state.
Do they go clubbing? Are they at the library checking out books and
DVDs? We do not see the level of true arrogance and drunk on their
own victories. They are flawed humans with abilities that exceed
our own and none of that happening? What if I told you of a show
sponsored by Playstation creating an entire world loaded with super
beings of all different ages, backgrounds and cultures? With the
amazing distribution of Playstation Network,
Circle of Confusion and Sony Pictures Home
Entertainment comes a show that gives many a point of view on
superhumans and normals. This is Powers.

Meh, I gave up smoking.

Created by comic book writer/producer
Brian Michael Bendis (Ultimate Spider-Man, New Avengers,
Jessica Jones and Powers) and novelist/writer Charlie
Huston (All Signs of Death, Powers and Caught Stealing)
comes a take on L.A.primarily dealing with heroes, villains and the
collateral damage of in-between. Our story focuses around Detective
Christian Walker (Sharlto Copley of District 9, The A-Team,
Europa Report, Elysium, Payday 2 and Oldboy) a former power
known as Diamond, Walker has been stripped of his powers and is now
developing a true detective's mind and instincts. The City council
nor the federal government are putting real money into the Powers
Division, a gathering of cops trained to deal with superhumans and
superhumans homicides. Kinda like Special Crimes Unit in Metropolis.
Understaffed, underfunded and undermanned, this team relies heavily
on what they have learned about power sets from Walker.

Breaking in a new partner from
Sheriff's department, Detective Deena Pilgrim (Susan Heyward of 30
Rock, 666 Park Avenue, Mother of George, The Following, Poltergeist,
Powers and Vinyl) grew up with cartoons and following of Diamond
and his super hero team-ups, so she feels a bit let down of this
bitter and cynical cop busting his tail trying to make the same
difference he did in costume. Walker's biggest accomplishment was
busting his former mentor Wolfe (Eddie Izzard of Eddie Izzard:
Dress to Kill, The Avengers, Mystery Men, Shadow of the Vampire, Five
Children and It, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Ocean's Thirteen, The Riches
and Valkyrie) a man that can absorb powers, heals like
Wolverine and oh yeah shucks and devours people like so many oysters.
Yup, you have not lived until you have seen Eddie Izzard buck bare,
with ratty long hair, a beard and a ravenous appetite.

Hey, this is all real ya pervs.

Several of the supers avoid Walker like
the plague as if he is a walking, talking moral lesson that anyone
can be taken down. A mishap with a wannabe powers Callista (Olesya
Rulin of Urband Legends: Bloody Mary, High School Musical, Vampire
Chicks with Chainsaws, The Dance, High School Musical 2, Forever
Strong, High School Musical 3: Senior Year and Greek) puts
Walker in the path of his ex-partner/love interest/friend Retro Girl
(Michelle Forbes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, Swimming
with Sharks, Battlestar Galatica, True Blood, In Treatment, The
Killing and Berlin Station) a seasoned crime fighter/poster
girl/endorser does her level best to aid and help but realizes as
much power as she has, she cannot save everyone and it eats at her.
Ghosts from Walker's past arrive in the form of his old teleporting
friend Johnny Royalle (Noah Taylor of Dogs in Space, Lover Boy,
A Country Practice, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Vanilla Sky, Lara Croft
Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life and Peaky Blinders) which
everyone swears by died by Wolfe's hands and teeth is back juicing
the kids of powers, any potential powers and existing heroes and
villains feeling like their powers are waning.

With homicides, mishaps, team-ups and
general city wide destruction occurring constantly, Walker gets why
normal humans are terrified, envious or amazed by what they see and
hear. Will the Big, Bad Wolfe come out to huff and puff? Will
there be a mass of lunacy needed to be stopped? Will Walker ever get
his powers back?

This is very adult, folks. If you
wanted to watch this with the kiddies, there is graphic violence,
swearing like sailors and some sexual content in dialogue and a few
visuals. It's raw and unfiltered how characters feel about this and
that and the stories encompass all characters about it. I mean how
would you respond to seeing three blocks engulfed in green fire?
Maybe a 200 foot high being threatening to eat your planet? It
gives us a more human view to a superhuman world.

Monday, May 30, 2016

Howdydoodleedoo!!! And for those of
you that got that reference, yer aces, baby. With that in mind,
hello and welcome back to Rotten Reelz Reviews. I am plucking
series, movies and even games at random this week so it should be fun
for all to read... but it is less than what you were hoping for,
again rottenreelzreviews@gmail.com
and of course I can be reached at the Facebook page as well at
https://www.facebook.com/RottenReelzReviews/
so please reach out, make a suggestion or even a comment on the
general flow of the reviews. Well this time around we are back to
the land of the rising sun for another Marvel anime. Yup when you
get contracted to make Marvel characters look awesome, you better
bring your "A" game and that is exactly what Madhouse
Productions (Hunter x Hunter, Death Paradise, "My Love
Story", Overlord and Prince of Stride) brought and did.
So how do you represent an egotistical billionaire playboy with about
a million dollars of tech in his battle armor? With style of course.
This is Iron Man: Anime.

Oh Stark, beside yourself again?

No stranger to acting or voice acting,
Adrian Pasdar (Judging Amy, Desperate Housewives,
Heroes, The Lying Game, Burn Notice, Avengers Assemble and Agents of
SHIELD) has been tasked to put a voice to the brilliant yet
reckless avenger Iron Man as he is in Japan bringing an arc reactor
to power the nation. The concept to world peace it to provide clean
and efficient energy without relying heavily on fossil fuels. Guess
he better get started on arc reactors in cars, trucks and bikes as
well. Well demonstrating his latest armor for Japan, Tony announces
he will be stepping down as Iron Man and devoting his time to
research...so no more Avengers picnics? Say it ain't so, Tony!

Damn import jobs never hold up.

But the demonstration goes a bit wonky
which Tony took as a glitch in the new suit so off to run diagnostics
and find out what all the hubbub is bub, when the armor with pilot
takes off on its own, blasting any obstacle in its way. Stark must
don his armor once more and find out what is going on. A young
reporter Nanami (Eden Riegel of Prince of Egypt, American Pie,
Young and the Restless and All My Children) has to chase
Stark down for an interview and doesn't really think much of him. As
she has adventures and near misses with death around him, she sees
there is actually depth to Stark and his agendas. Circulated
rumors about Stark bringing weapons construction follow adamantly and
Stark attempts to defuse this with charm and grace... well as
graceful as Stark can be. Is someone out to smear his company's
name? Are there really WMDs (Weapons of Mass Destruction)
being smuggled into Japan?

As I mentioned in the Blade Anime
review, this process was a 12 episode story arc with some fair and
clever conclusion. It's actual sad that there was not a renewal of
contract because the art work is very impressive, the CG spliced with
the hand drawn looks natural together and both Japanese and English
voice cast bust their collective humps to bring life into the
characters. It makes total sense to use existing storylines from
the source material as Stark did set up a branch in Japan in the
comics.

Award-winning graphic novelist Warren
Ellis (Transmetropolitan, Fell, Minstry of Space, RED and
Planetary) wrote outlines for each of the 12 episodes and
given his mind, you already know it to be odd, clever and
entertaining. Hey if you saw the flick RED, you are in good hands
here.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Back again my loyal readers...by the
by, I thank you for that. This time around I want to do another
video game adaptation to film. Yes I know that most of these are
quite painful to sit through. When we have had such examples as
Super Mario Brothers, Double Dragon and Van Dumb's Street Fighter, it
is understandable that this subgenre of film can be considered a turd
in a punch bowl at a prestigious party. That being said, Paul W.S.
Anderson's Mortal Combat, Jan de Bont's Lara Croft: Tomb Raider,
Corey Yuen's DOA: Dead or Alive and even Michael J. Bassett's Silent
Hill: Revelation are all extremely close to the original source
material. With some of these games there was not a lot of character
and story development and the story that was there may have been too
far fetched for causal gamers to appreciate. With that in mind, I
wish to discuss the diaper stain that is Uwe Boll's work. This is
House of the Dead.

Icky, there's dust and bodies. So not cool.

As a first person shooter game from the
original arcade created by Sega, the story of two agents of AMS and
all boss creatures are named after the Major Arcana of tarot cards
created by the mad scientist Dr. Curien dabbling in biotech, the
occult and even alchemy. Nifty and easy enough to follow, right?
Whelp, screw all that mildly clever story telling. Instead let's
have the patented Uwe Boll main character narrative over several
chunks of the movie or I have been calling it "The
Expositioner". No need for complicated story arc, character
building or even agents of AMS or even Dr. Curien. Huh? Then you
ask, "Well Jake, if this has no direct connection to the
original source material, what is left?" Well let me enlighten
you all. Boobs and zombies.

Yup, scantily
clad jiggly girls and zombies that I suppose are close to Curien's
creatures but no doctor on the scene. This is all supposed to be a
rave on a remote island near Seattle. So no agents Thomas Rogan or
G. Nope instead a gaggle of twenty somethings drinking, screwing
and dancing the night away. 5 twenty somethings need to get to the
island ASAP before all the booze and loose people are napping. They
approach Clint Howard making yet another regular link-up with
Boll via character actor alongside Jurgen Prochnow of Da
Boot, Judge Dredd, The Replacement Killers and NCIS: Los Angeles
as Captain Kirk. Yup Uwe Boll must be a huge Shatner fan. With an
offer of a thousand clams, Kirk takes them to La
isla de los muertos ( Island of the
Dead, Gringos!) for the “Rave of
the Century” but apparently no one does their homework like:
mapping the area, safely having the dock set aside for incoming boats
or here's something nutty, knowing the name of the island you are
raving at.

MANGA LEAP!!!!

Our quintet of
cannon fodder makes their way on the island to see the place is
thrashed and no one appears to be around when a film freak and few of
his red shirts tell them about the roving zombies shucking and
devouring party goers like so many oysters on the half shell.
Kirk's ship is under attack by the zombies and he is smoking a cigar
to techno music for some reason...kinda pictured something of
classical or opera like The Flying Dutchman as he one hands them with
a 44. Desert Eagle. He makes his way back to the island with enough
firepower to occupy France for the next two weeks. Will our
collective heads of knuckle make it out? If they survive, will they
skip raves again?

Aside from the creatures i.e. Zombies,
there is nothing that resembles House of the Dead at all. Boll just
made "Rave On the Island of the Dead", pocketed money on
the back end and moved on to his next bastardization of a video game
adaptation. The practical effects are on the cheap as you see plenty
of rubber masks on the zombie extras, this damn 360 pan is done far
too many times and they splice scenes from the arcade game as if that
is to remind you that there is a link from the game to the film. The
actors' performance feels stilted as if they are reading from cue
cards and didn't have a script to consult so everything uttered
sounds off and unnatural. The lack of a stabilizer in the camera gives the patented shaky cam view that Boll thinks is awesome...for making viewers to puke from jarring zooms and pans.

Oh FYI, Takashi Oda the creator of The
House of the Dead never bothered to give this acronym an actual
title. They're just an international organization. Picture INTERPOL
with X-Files.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Well I am back. Back with even more
Bruno Mattei. Oh don't pass out on me now. You are not even
watching it. So remember when I said Island of the Living Dead felt
like a rip off of Ridley Scott's Alien and you were probably
thinking, "Well it is not likely that it gets worse than that."
You weren't thinking that? Seriously? Wow. Okay well it does
actually continue to suck as this time around we bring our pathetic,
lifted story idea and make a sequel to it. Will it be a bug hunt?
This is Zombies: The Beginning.

Rule #1: Don't taunt the critters.

SPOILERS INBOUND! Not that any of you
give a fetid pair of dingoes' kidneys but the lone survivor of Island
of the Living Dead was found adrift and was rescued. Yes plucky
Sharon (YvetteYzon of Hustler, The Dark Side of a Woman,
Secrets of Women, The Jail: The Women's Hell, Island of the Living
Dead and My Lai Four), has horrible slow motion HDCAM shots
for dreams about footage that was NOT even part of the original film.
After some rest and a probably much needed shower (of which we
didn't get to see), Sharon re-accounts all the events of the island
issues, why the Dark Star blew up and what happened to the rest of
the crew. Tyler Inc. Doesn't seem to take her word for it and wants
to send an expedition out to it. Also Sharon is now a doctor
rather than just treasure hunter because....um...reasons??

Sharon retreats to a monastery to
cleanse her soul and look cute in a toga? Tyler Inc.'s mouthpiece
and drug company rep Paul Barker (Paul Holmes of Drop Dead
Fred, Rizal in Dapitan, La visa loca, Foster Child and Water Wars)
tells Sharon that Tyler Inc sent a medical ship over to observe these
"undead" and get samples of which that brought to another
island that Tyler Inc bought. They had to compete with InGen over
it but settled out of court. Sharon flat out refuses to go to it
but the company promises she is going merely as an observer,
protected by a platoon of mercs and will see what really happened
and....hey this sounds familiar. Yup and if you were pissed about
that notion you will love loads of the musical from Aliens is lifted,
scenes from Crimson Tide used for the "submarine" travel
because Los Angeles class Naval nuclear subs are a dime a dozen.
Pretty sure corporate can just buy those outright.

Hold up! Found my golf ball, everyone!

Sgt. Zamura (Robert B. Johnson of
Zombies: The Beginning) has his work cut out for him while
leading his fine collection of bad asses against the shambling dead.
The base is completely deserted and yet somehow almost completely
intact. Our marines er um mercs find test cages with zombies, a
warehouse filled with parts and chunks of flesh and some sort of
aborted baby fetuses via baby zombies. What in the good gravy was
the Umbrella Corp...I mean Tyler Inc paying these people to do???
Sharon channels Ripley for most of the rest of the film and goes in
to fight alongside the mercs. Yes there is even a queen zombie and
yup zombabies. Will "Doctor" Sharon be able to escape
this one? Will she get an even fancier title in the next sequel?

The only reasons that Mattei didn't get
sued for blatant knock off of Aliens is international film law
covered under a pseudonym and I don't think James Cameron knows his
former nemesis zinged him again. Years ago, Bruno bought the rights
to the title Terminator 2 a year prior to T2: Judgement Day's
release. Amusingly enough, they screwed up and got an Aliens story
from that as well.

Lifted footage from Hell of the Living
Dead again, Predator and Tie Fight sound effects used for the APC
driving scenes, a ton of Romero references and even some music taken
directly from the Resident Evil 2 video game. This marks as Bruno
Mattei's final entry into film as he passed away in 2007.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Hey there folks. So I am forcing a bad
movie on you brought to us from our old exploitation/blockbuster
knock off maestro Bruno Mattei (Hell of the Living Dead,
Women's Prison Massacre, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando,
Double Target, Robowar, Cop Game, Zombi 3, Shocking Dark and Cruel
Jaws). Yeah I know you recognize the name and the titles so
that being saying, we have a fun filled adventure that basically
spits in the face of Ridley Scott's Alien with a theme of treasure
hunters and a desert island not previously mapped. This is Island of
the Living Dead.

EXTRAS! Forward!!

Blowing off the dust from an old
pseudonym Vincent Dawn to head back into the subgenre of zombies. As
they were supposed to film in Argentina they found it too be too
expensive, they decided to head to the Philippines to bring the
evils.

Our opus opens with Conquistadors to
toss natives infected in a dungeon while a voodoo ceremony raises
them from the dead with so much fog from projectors and dry ice.
Umm at least the costumes fit the extras?? 300 years later, our
treasure hunters hit the high seas, our crew of the Dark Star (John
Carpenter homage, perhaps?) are hit by a mysterious fog bank
on a dark and stormy night only to wake the next morning to be in
front of an island that is not on any map they can find. With the
ship conveniently needing repairs, our crew go to shore for looting
purposes.

Fred, did you notice a rotting smell?

The intrepid team consisting of Captain
Kirk (Ronald Russo of Trhauma, Ladyhawke, Detective Malone,
Caged Women and Intimate Crimes), Snoopy (Jim Gaines of
Black Fire, War Without End, Zombi 4 and Faster) Fred (Alvin
Anson of Terrorist Hunter, Rome & Juliet, Black Market Love,
Baler, My Lai Four and Flames of Love), Victoria (Ydalia
Suarez of In the Land of the Cannibals, La bambina dalle mani
sporche, Island of the Living Dead and La grande Rabbia) and
Sharon (Yvette Yzon of The Dark Side of a Woman, Secrets of
Women, A Shudder on the Skin, The Jail: The Women's Hell, Island of
the Living Dead, Zombies: The Beginning and My Lai Four) all
heading for the mainland exploring split into three teams of two.
Cover more ground and get your party killed off! Kirk observes some
antiquated parchment to find this is the resting place of a Spanish
Galleon filled gold. Fred and Sharon found a monk in robes who
happened to be a zombie and Fred takes his head off with a boomstick.
With greed and stupidity, the cast tries to make off the gold and
blood thirsty hordes of zombies appear. Is the gold worth it? Will
the crew make it out alive?

When he is not lifting scenes from
previously existing films like Night of the Living Dead remake,
Fulci's Zombi several times, his own flick Hell of the Living Dead
and even Lenzi's Nightmare City , Mattei shoots the whole flick on
HDCAM. The dubbing is so horrible making it hard to understand half
of the male cast. Alas ladies that might actually watch this stink
nugget, there is no real eye candy for ya. Mattei likes to cover the
fellas in that regard. Soundtracks lifted are Coppola's Dracula and
Friday the 13th and my favorite annoyance was some
exterior shots from Mask of Zorro. The lawsuits avoided thanks to
pseudonym. So yes if you enjoy over the top zombie stories, campy
extras and a lack of direction, this is the flick for you.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Hiya gang! Back again with what could
be an episodic, powerful sci-fi fantasy storyline or complete and
utter dreck attempting to compete with director John Milus'
take of Robert E. Howard's creation: Conan the Barbarian.
Written by exploitation, sci-fi fantasy and children's cartoons,
Howard R. Cohen (The Unholy Rollers. The Young Nurses,
Vampire Hookers, Barbarian Queen, Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, The
Care Bears Family and Emmanuelle 5) that this particular
flick could go either way. So don aloft your sword! This is
Deathstalker.

Oh, you're her father. Akward.

Our director James Sbardellati (Under
the Gun and Deathstalker) seems more comfortable as Second
Unit Director so that gives off a positive vibe for the movie right
away. 2 minutes in we see pseudo cavemen walk up on a man binding a
girl in creeper vine. Maybe she is a sacrifice, sport or dinner.
Who can really say? I know thus far after 45 seconds of a leaping
montage that the cave guys can bound through the air. Shockingly
enough this is not for the kiddies, parents. 3 minutes in and we
already have a topless scene.

Deathstalker (Rick Hill of The
Dukes of Hazzard, The Devastator, Warrior Queen, Fast Gun, Dune
Warriors, Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow, Eyes of the Widow and The
Custodian) skinned a badger, dyed it blond and put it on his
head. That could also be a fetching ladies wig too. His wing is
worse that Bridgette Nielsen's wig in Red Sonja and that was a dead
raccoon they dyed red. He guts the guy who abandoned his
victim/human sacrifice/girlfriend for trying to take his horse. A
powerful wizard Munkar (Bernard Erhard of Satan's Touch,
Challenge of the GoBots, Say Yes, Solarman, Visionaries: Knights of
the Magical Light and A Pup Named Scooby-Doo) tossed the
rightful king and most of his court and guards out of the castle.
The king begs for Deathstalker's help only to get shot down. Dubious
to his hero status, he rides on and we see what is now Munkar's harem
with, yup you guessed it. Topless or sheer clothed girls. Sense a
pattern?

A cunning warrior wears next to no clothes.

Munkar's lackey Kang is sent to claim
magical artifacts so Munkar can expand his holdings and slap other
kingdoms about. An old witch sends Deathstalker out to search for the
3 powers ( No, not the Charmed ones) a sword, amulet and a chalice
(from the palace!). When the three are united, the wielder will be
able to conqueror or rule wisely. A giant and an imp covet the
sword. Some more questy jibber jabber, a subplot that wasn't going
to convince anyone Deathstalker is a nice guy and...okay at 20
minutes I was confused with the story, the music cues and the lack of
action between such. Hate to say this, but bring on the boobs again.
At least I got that. Enlisting in the aid of a warrior name of
Oghris (Richard Booker of Friday the 13th
Part III, Deathstalker and Deep Sea Conspiracy) the grateful
lad speaks of a tournament to win Munkar's kingdom...and to me that
is actually a decent plan. Rein in the warriors that want to rule
and wipe them all out.

Our warriors encounter Kaira (Lana
Clarkson of Scarface, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Barbarian Queen
and Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back) a warrior
maiden garbed in and I kid you not, a loin cloth, boots and a red
cloak. Yup guess the topless swordfighting really works in her
advantage when she flashes her double Ds at them. Worry not Kaira of
the roving band of molesting marauders, I thought of low hanging
branches, tangle root and thorn bushes to get prodded and poked by.
Yes, this is a straight guy saying put on some frickin armor on.
Oh good even more semi-naked wenches. I swear this is all T&A
and some sword-fighting scenes. Look, nothing against nudity but
dammit at least have it plot related!!!!

The first transgender
occurs in the dark ages with the use of black magic. See? You don't
need to go to Sweden, just get a warlock! Think of the money you
have saved. Okay Munkar actually transformed his henchman into a
large breasted girl to sneak up on Deathstalker and do him in. Boobs
are magic and confuse all that see them.

I recommend this film for chimpanzees
that need to masturbate and 12 year old boys. Kinda hard to tell
the difference at times. Those with functioning brain cells, the
lack of a coherent story will offend you on grand scales, cattle get
treated better any of the female cast and our hero is a pig who does
nothing out of the kindness of his heart. I am hard pressed to even
speculate if he has a heart to begin with.

Sci-fi fantasy artist Boris Vallejo
was commissioned for all four Deathstalker films bringing his
astounding artwork for the covers that tricked your ass into watching
this.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Hi all! This week I am crawling
through the Z grade films of science fiction. What's Z grade, you
ask? Well this is a film that has next to no budget, original
concept and resort to T&A to sell their product. So how about a
nice women in prison film? Not enough? How about women in prison on
a starship? Aha! I knew I got your attention now. Brought to you
by Roger Corman protege, sleaze exploitation director of sci-fi and
horror, the schlockmeister himself, Fred Olen Ray (The
Alien Dead, The Tomb, Commando Squad, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers,
Deep Space, Bad Girls from Mars, Wizards of the Demon Sword, Evil
Toons and Dinosaur Island), so you know it will sting but
there is a shampoo for that. This is Prison Ship a.k.a. Star
Slammer, Prison Ship: 2005, Starslammer: The Escape and The
Adventures of Taura: Prison Ship Star Slammer.

Leeches: best treatment for back acne.

So as you can imagine my expectations
on this flick were not high in the least, which is more than I can
say for the writers who were clearly high as kites on blow, chicken
scratching this opus out. Our movie opens with a girl being tortured
with leeches??? Because...reasons. You step out of line and we go
medieval on your ass. Oh no. Marsellus Wallace owns this ship!
Far into the future (ahem, 2005) on a distant planet,
war rages on.

Taura (Sandy Brooke of They Call
Me Bruce?, Bits and Pieces, Consider It All Joy, One Way Out, Terror
on Alcatraz, Deep Space and Nightmare Sisters) is weighing a
battle against the forces of evil (um, just take my word for
it. Never really good at determining sides unless there is a deep
music score) when she is captured by the evil forces of Ross
Hagen..? Er um I mean Bantor (Ross Hagen of Sidehackers,
Hellcats, Avenging Angel, Armed Response, Commando Squad, The Phantom
Empire, Warlords, Alienator, Blood Games and Dinosaur Island)
a insane political tyrant that sentences Taura to "hard labor" (insert
WIP joke here) aboard the prison ship Star Slammer... yeah it does
sound like a bad porno title. I agree. Dealing with her crazed,
sex starved Warden Exene (Marya Gant of A Polish Vampire in
Burbank, Prison Ship, Cannibal Hookers and Halloween Night)
and her badly permed lesbian guards. Oh FYI, the guard uniforms look
like bad vinyl numbers from Fredrick's of Hollywood and our prisoner
outfits are tank tops and velour shorty shorts. Yup really here to
sell the "plot" and I am certain they cranked the a/c.

Eric Idle as Father Guido Sarducci as Gandalf in The Two Towers.

No sooner does Taura gain support from
the rest of our teen gang I mean devious and deadly prison
population, that a plan to overthrow the warden and guards is moving
into action, but first we need some cat fights and food fights. I
have no idea who this film is geared towards. Emotionally repressed
twelve years residing in adult bodies would be my guess.

Our musical score sounds like a octave
higher than John Williams Star Wars theme but yeah no one would be
fooled and our credit sequence looks like it was cut with Windows 98
Movie Maker with actor names in Veranda and Comic Sans MS. Chilling.
While our space ship scenes are shot in Melrose Stage in L.A. The
damn planet shots are fricking Griffith Park using Bronson Canyon YET
AGAIN!!! Damn right I am sick of this location and no I do not care
how much money it saves the location scouts! I have seen this place
in almost every B-movie flick from 1950s and on!

Sadly, I do recognize a lot of the cast
but that is only due to watching schlocky films for the defunct
epinions.com movie review. Aside from Ross Hagen and Richard Hench,
I spotted none other than Vivian Schilling (writer/actress of
Soultaker as Natalie) and for that I do regal that MST3K episode of
Soultaker so I had a good
laugh. Most of the space sequences are brought to you bought or
stolen exterior space footage of John Carpenter's Dark Star
and Roger Corman's Battle Beyond the Stars.
Well at least they left classics like Space Mutiny
alone. There is only so much Reb Brown screeching you can listen to.

Coming
at us at 86 minutes, jiggly girls fight other jiggly girls and Ross
Hagen is seriously hamming it up in front of the camera. So no this
is not related to the novel The Prison Ship via Peter Tonkin about
Maritime laws nor is it linked to Michael Bowers Sci-fi novel Prison
Ship. That is just a coincidence of title changes over and over
again. My
favorite part of the flick is John Carradine shot in blue screen as
"The Justice" looking baffled in front of the camera like
they just woke him up and asked him to read from a cue card.

So if you have a jiggly girl need that has to be fixed, no
need for character development and you like blasters...I guess watch
this.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Hiya folks! Yeah I know you have had
a dry week for reviews which is a tad ironic considering how much
rain we got here. Admittedly I have had a couple of days of just
no idea to write about so I am preparing to get a P.O. Box for movie
submissions, suggestions and I guess punishment for getting even with
me for not writing every work day of the week. So why not dive into
an Italian Horror film? From director/produce Ovidio G.
Assonitis (Tentacles,
And When She Was Bad, Piranha Part Two: The Spawning, Forever
Emmanuelle, Steigler and Steigler, Iron Warror and The Curse)
comes a combo knock-off of Rosemary's Baby and the Exorcist. This is
Beyond the Door.

WHAT ABOUT MY PMS??!!!

Okay
off the bat, this flick is creepy on many levels. A young woman
Jessica Barrett (Juliett Mills of Nanny and the
Professor, Avanti!, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Passions and Hot in
Cleveland) a young mother
in San Francisco is pregnant with her third child and she begins to
exhibit strange behavior. Her friends and family become concerned
but don't know what proper intervention is needed. A priest flinging
holy water, maybe some Gregorian chants, possibly a sit-in.
Clueless music producer husband Robert (Gabriele Lavia
of Deep Red, The Legend of 1900, Sleepless and Remember Me, My Love)
discovers the fetus is growing within Jessica at an alarming rate and
thinks that speaking in a demonic voice, vulgar comments and pea soup
spewing may be a problem as he doesn't recall this level of mood
swings.

And that Doctor, is why I like pudding.

A
strange bearded man who seems to be following her husband about and
introduces himself to Robert as a former lover of Jessica, Dimitri
(Richard Johnson of Aces High, The Message, Origins of
the Mafia, The Four Feathers, Screamers, Zombi, Lara Croft: Tomb
Raider, MI-5 and Silent Witness)
tells the couple he is a cultist attempting to locate the Antichrist
and several parties are interested but only Dimitri got a leg up
finding them first. With examples of telekinetic powers
manifesting, speaking with the demonic voice and loads of green bile,
Robert is out of his element with Jessica and goes to Dimitri for
help and answers but he only had demands establishing no doctors
allowed and the child must be born. Some of the creepier scenes is
our pregnant woman devouring a steak tartar at dinner after picking
up a rotten banana peel from the street and eating it. I would take
this more seriously if the eldest girl wasn't dubbed by a 20
something woman. I had flashbacks from House by the Cemetery with
frickin Bob.

The
narrations are hinted at being voiced by Satan. It was clever and
disturbing.

With
the budget of half a million, they cleared $15 million in the box
office causing film critic Roger Ebert to give it no more than 1 out
of 4 stars calling the film scary trash. With the gorgeous
cinematography shot on 35mm anamorphic lens give a horizontal flare
versus the clean blue line of the given 70mm process, makes a curved
scope to the film. The same process was adopted by Panavision,
Cinerama and Eastman. Shockingly enough, attempting to cash in on
the success of Beyond The Door two unofficial sequels was to be
expected.

While
the film was predominately in San Francisco, most of the interior
filming was done in Incir De Paolis Studios in Rome. Rolling in at 109 minutes, this is a bizarre and terrible subject matter and yes Juliet Mills is sister to Hayley.

Your day might be weird when Richard Johnson just roams into your bedroom.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Hey gang. Quick question. What do
you know about Friday the 13th? Now I am sure most of
you know about the undead, mongoloid hillbilly, Jason Vorhees but
what do you know of Crystal Lake? For more than 3 decades we have
stories linked directly to this small body of water and the Jason
murders but did Jason just start right after Part 1? Many writers
that love the slasher subgenre speculated since they went with him
witnessing his mommy's death, that he just roamed the forest, living
off vegetation and animals but what about any witnesses to his
existence?

In 2009, Paramount Productions released
the 8 films of the franchise on what they called the Ultimate
Collection with statistics on the victims, body count, whether the
kids were getting drunk, high or just sexing it up, trivia facts and
even weapons used. What interested me overall of this set was a
series of short stories and links to the original source material.
This is Lost Tales from Camp Blood.

This chiropractor is very hands on.

Starting as a special feature, these
stories are all based around the news clippings referenced around all
the latter films giving an air of eerie to this region of the
country...when logically the townsfolk should just move and get the
Ghostfinders in to exorcise the hell out of that lake. These tales
of dread are suppose to happen prior to the second or possibly the
third film but the clothes, sets, haircuts really don't reflect that
well enough. Harry Manfreni's theme and original scores are heard
throughout the six-part story arc and the film looks like it was shot
on Hi-Def camcorder. The Cannon XLH1 mini 35 with the Optar
Super-Speed Prime Lenses giving it almost 35mm look translated from
HDV. So for the sake of everyone's sanity let's put this around th
7th film, The New Blood so Telekinetic Tina can have a
business moving furniture.

Bleh, no more whiskey shots and darts again!

Our first part of the series is simply
a couple sleeping peacefully in a cabin around the region only to get
visited by a be-jumpsuited psycho that disembowels them and just
wanders out of said home. Not a lot of dialogue needed written there
aside from, "Is someone there?" "Billy, what was that
noise?" and popular trope "This isn't funny". Our
horrific assailant's face is never shown and kept in the shadows but
exhibits terrifying amounts of almost supernatural strength. Hmm,
Michael Myers perhaps? Nah, that would mean having to leave
Illinois/California. Our second story catches right up with the
previous the next morning with blood spatters all over the walls and
puddles of the victims' fluids drained into the carpet. Camp
Counselors Sarah and Eric try calling Mark and Amy but no answer.
They're dead tired, kids. Yeah I slapped myself for the bad joke.

Naturally since the car was McGuffined,
we have to go hiking to Mark and Amy's place. That's just common
sense. No need to backtrack down the road you were driving from, hit
a gas station, get the car towed and looked at. Nosirree. That's
just crazy talk! Hell I was just stunned California still had
payphones. Our actors play the parts and offer a decent performance
of the type cast cookie cutter personifications of humans
because...well that is all they are usually given in a slasher flick.
Quality production from blocking to practical FX. Well done from
cast and crew.

The theme continues the anthology of
the Killer chasing after the Survivor story that has been in the
slasher subgenre since it was conceived. I think the slight drawback
to this is you can pretty much predict when the Killer will strike
and it does throw off your viewing a bit but if you just allow
yourself to view it as though you have never seen a slasher flick
then you will enjoy it.

Your six-parter got so much love from
the fan base that Ceperley cut it as a full-length short film in case
you didn't want the original Paramount special edition collection
with the two pairs of 3-D glasses (Screw your other friends and
family I guess) and detailed 8 page booklet explaining
nuances about the films.

Written and directed by Andrew Ceperley
(known primarly as a cinematographer and visual effects
supervisor for Football Is a Way of Life: The Making of Varsity
Blues, Villains of Star Trek, Bing Crosby Christmas Crooner, The
Crystal Lake Massacre Revisted and Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street
Legacy) puts him in the path as a research nut for Horror and
makes him a prime candidate to directing short stories of Jason's
mayhem. An amusing bit of trivia here. Principal photography was in
a canyon above Pasadena California but most of it was shot in Palo
Verdes and then to Redono Beach for the practical makeup FX shots.

It's bloody, no ridiculous amounts of
jiggly girl nudity and really meshes well with the Vorhees mythos
establishing kills the locals don't even know about...presumably
Jason discards their collective clothes and hides the vehicles they
travel in. Like a one man Wrong Turn super mutant inbred hillbilly.
Sorry Wrong Turn, but Jason is the original undead mongoloid
hillbilly.

Monday, May 9, 2016

Howdy
all! Well Free Comic Book Day was a tad insane and Mother's Day
managed to send traffic all over town. That being said, what I am
about to write up is one of the goofier, convoluted creations ever to
come out of Canada. Well there is The Final Sacrifice and this
flick. The young director in question is Richard Mogg (Bangin'
Vengeance!, Teenage Slumber Party Nightmare and Massage Parlor of
Death) and from this collection of titles you sense a
pattern. This is Easter Bunny Blood Bath.

No truer words written!

1967
a young Peter McKay witnesses his sister decapitated by a lunatic
decked out as the Easter Bunny. Shocking enough, Peter never
celebrates the Easter holiday...20 years later, I know this because
of the title card, we flash ahead to an isolated cabin in the woods.
Hmm, this doesn't sound trope at all. Peter (Shayan Bayat of
Sanctuary, Rain Down, Mayan Calendar: The True Story of the
Apocalypse, Bangin' Vengeance! And The Arrangement) and his
five friends, Lisa (Meghan Kinsley of Steve's Blind Date,
Stenwyken, The Acting Teacher and Legends of Chima), Steve
(Scars, Snow Tramp, Caprica, Reise, Confined, Fairly Legal,
Supernatural, Marley & Me: The Puppy Years, A Princess for
Christmas, Level Up, Trading Christmas and A Fairly Odd Christmas)
Justine (Adrian Daniels of Estelle, Easter Bunny Bloodbath,
Baby Weight and The Takeover) the oddly named Mike (Laura
Hope of Toad Face, Estelle, Rasa, Easter Bunny Bloodbath, Baby
Weight, Bangin' Vengeance and The Business of Acting) and
Carol (Jessica Hill of Henchin', Resurrection, Easter Bunny
Bloodbath and Rain Down) all looking for a good time. Yeah
that means some reefers, booze and boning. I know, I too was
surprised. Our "lesbians" were as believable as flying
against the blue screen in Pumaman. With clothed shower scenes and
even the death scenes are pretty hokey.

Impending doom? Eh, let's get blazed and drunk!

With
the fast pace zoom of getting our characters established, a nu metal
tune blares out "Bastard Son" we zip our cast out to the
most gaudy neon green cabin I have ever seen. You know if you don't
want hunters to get drunk and shoot your place up, you could easily
have gone with neon orange as well.

10
minutes in the kids tell a scary story with with some colored
drawings as the narration continues. This crap was so painful to
stare at as it looked like a kid played with paintbrush.

Our
gore practical effects aren't bad and the CGI was decent but body
parts looks like something you would pick up from a Halloween store.

With
a paltry $3600 CAD or loony or whatever our director was camera
operator, sound editing, production and film editing, this has a
professional vibe to it, the actors are solid, the camera was
properly blocking its actors and general finished creation is
actually not bad. With all that in mind, our opus was shot on a Sony
HVR-Z1U a broadcast video camera good for interviews and
documentaries but I have never viewed it as a means to shoot a movie.
When compressed for DVD or Blu-Ray it looks a teensy bit cheesy.
Still more of a story than Vampire Chicks with Chainsaws...mind you
that is not saying much.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Howdy all. Well I went through the
archives of moi and didn't find this particular sequel in the mix.
Our favorite antagonist that ran about with a potato sack slicing and
squashing twenty somethings playing teenagers as a bloodbath ensues.
How will this pan out? This is Friday the 13th Part
III.

I sense impeding doom...hmm, oh well.

Directed by Steve Miner (Friday
the 13th Part II, Night of the
Creeps, House, Warlock, Elvis, Forever Young, Against the Grain, My
Father the Hero, Halloween H20: 20 Years Later and Lake Placid)
this film is literally the next day thus being Saturday the 14th
and that is a crappy movie. A new group of co-eds on vacation off to
a cabin by Crystal Lake...where they past cops, ambulances and city
workers of that nature. No bells in the head going off? Spidey
senses ringing a bit?

Jason injured profusely by the previous
encounters and not the zombie/mongoloid/hillbilly resurrection that we
have come to know and love. Sneaking into a crappy lakefront store
for some clothes and a replacement mask via potato sack. Richard
Brooker now the third man to pick up the machete/pitchfork/bare hands
whatever played Oghris in Deathstalker is best known for. With the
flashbacks of Ginny and Paul recapping the film prior do give content
and credibility.

One of our soon-to-be victims is a
jokester Shelly (Larry Zerner of Fame, New Love,American Style,
Hadley's Rebellion, Knights of Badassdom, Found and The Epidemic)
has wacky gags, props and some masks. Of these is the iconic hockey
mask claimed from his victim and used to hide his ridiculous
mongoloid face that morphs into a zombified state for years to come
but forever hidden away.

Hey folks, I'm yer next-door neighbor.

Slaughtering hippies, bikers and
teeny boppers brings about some of the same goodness of the original
two also bringing a bit of depth into Chris (Dana Kimmell of
Days of Our Lives, Sweet 16, Lone Wolf McQuade and Night Angel)
and a connection to Jason prior but yes it is a bit trope ridden but
this was the 80s is allowed as they are the building blocks of the
slasher subgenre. What makes this stands out of the series this was
part of the 3-D franchise prevalent in the early 80s. Will Chris
and her friends survive this nightmare? How many bodies will pile
up?

A few points of trivia with this film.
The house, barn, and lake were made on location. The lake wasn't
properly sealed so the water damaged the soil of the first week of
filming. This flick cleared $36 million against a budget of 4
million. With a body count of 12 and the fact this was Paramount's
first 3-D flick since Ulysses (in 1954) 28 years prior, this is one
of the few films that did not address him as Jason at all.
NOT...ONCE...

Initially there was a call for the
script draft they were going to have Ginny in a psychiatric hospital
confined there awaiting Jason to get her murdering the staff and
other patients in the hospital but it was too close to Halloween II
being too similar.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Hello there again everyone. Well I
have been checking my Rotten Reelz Reviews Facebook page and the
gmail account, (rottenreelzreviews@gmail.com)
and I haven't seen a complaint, compliment or crass comment. So I
suppose I can just take down all the above and just review whatever
the hell I feel like. Let me know either way, people.

Now then I decided to hit up some good
old fashioned public domain movies. Why you may ask? 1.) I am not
required to hit up more than archives.org to find a copy. 2.) It is
less hassle than dealing with commericals of Hulu and broadband
issues of Netflix and Amazon. 3.) There is almost certainly a title
that makes me blink more than twice after reading it. So howzabout a
vengeful vampire searching the Earth for the one that killed his
mother and made him into this abomination in the eyes of man and God?
No I am not talking about Saya from Blood, D from Vampire Hunter D
or even the Daywalker Blade. This is a precursor to all the above.
This is Seed of Terror a.k.a. Grave of the Vampire a.k.a. The Tomb of
the Vampire.

Sorry but I had to flap away a 400 year old fart.

Created in 1972 ( A whole year
before writers Gene Nolan and Marv Wolfman pushed Blade into the Tomb
of Dracula comics) and based on the novel The Still Life,
writer/novelist David Chase (The Magician, Kolchak: The
Night Stalker, Switch, The Rockford Files, Moonlight and Almost
Grown) and writer/director John Hayes (The Kiss, Shell
Shock, The Cut-Throats, Sweet Trash, Dream No Evil, Jailbait
Babysitter and Pleasure Zone) concoct a delightful tale of a
day walking hybrid of human and vampire searching for his father...to
drive a stake through his heart or maybe to do a father/son potato
sack race. Who can truly say.

Our story begins in a cemetery, with a
young couple making out by the headstones. Yeah that always goes
well after dark. The grave of 1930s rapist/murderer Caleb Croft
rumbles the ground so and the murderer has risen from beyond the
grave attacking the lad defending his lady's honor and well the rape
is implied. Caleb (Michael Pataki of Star Trek, Easy Rider,
Side Hackers, The Cut-Throats, The Flying Nun, The Amazing Spider-Man
TV series, Zoltan, Hound of Dracula and Rocky IV) is kinda
scum, folks. Also hot on Caleb's trail is a detective that took
Vampires 101 I guess who seems to have seen too many Bela Lugosi
movies (Seriously, this is a line) Lieutenant Panzer (Eric
Mason of Days of Our Lives, Scream Blacula Scream, Kiss of the
Tarantula and The Love Boat) thinks the impossible is
happened and the dead have returned from the grave and then...yeah he
gets gacked and there doesn't seem to be any follow-up. Guess Panzer
was not loved at the station. Tank jokes a plenty left in his
locker, the wife is seeing the milkman on the sly and the family dog
pees in his slippers.

Scrawny and Chunky. They're cops.

The girl carries the child to term,
believing it is her boyfriend's offspring...until she has to bottle
feed him blood to strengthen him to manhood. That by the way we
commonly call, a clue. 30 years later the infant is a man name of
James (William Smith of Laredo, Gunsmoke, The Ultimate Warrior,
Blood & Guts, The Frisco Kid, Hawaii Five-O, B.J. And the Bear,
Hell Comes to Frogtown, Platoon Leader and Warriors of the
Apocolypse) who has one mission, to avenge his mother (Kitty
Vallacher of Deathmaster, To Hell You Preach, Savage Abduction, Soul
Hustler and The Legend of Frank Woods) and slaughter pappy.
A bit myopic I grant you but it keeps him going. James is also a
vampire but can easily move around during the day without a lethal
tan.

Hmm, like that Blade guy. Yeah, I
figured that was still a comparison. James is convinced the deaths
around the campus that Caleb under the guise of Professor Lockwood is
no boating accident. The tox screens point out that all victims have
died of extreme blood loss whether or not their throats were slashed
or not and it isn't on the ground where they lay. The killer could
have just propped the bodies too but hell I'm no detective with
Vampire 101 training. Stake or be staked was a good chapter.

Will James get his revenge? Will he be
no better than his father? Will Tiny Tim be allowed to walk again?

Well the overall vibe is commercial
1970s showing mild hedonism, flat partying and hints at sex. The
cinematography is very precise, very little handheld and a bit
static. The rumble between Caleb and James looks damn impressive.
Think Roddy Piper and Keith David in They Live without so many shots
to the balls of course. There really isn't explicit gore, sex or
even that much blood in our vampire movie which was kind of
surprising really. With a budget under a half a million, this give
a decent feel to a film in spite of some of the content. I think it
would have gotten a wider audience with a bit of the old T &A
with some blood but all in all not a bad film. This marks the second
vampire movie I have seen Michael Pataki in. The other being Zoltan:
Hound of Dracula. I just wanted Pataki to quote from Sidehackers.
You think I didn't love the boy??!! MY OWN FLESH I DON'T LOVE AS
MUCH!!!

Anyone else get a laugh the sound
editor is a guy named James Cheap? I just envision the foley stage
made up in someone's garage but he has to hurry because the wife
wants to park the station wagon and bring in groceries.