Bikini season is coming fast upon us, which means that we’re all rubbing our mitts Gargamel-style to hit the beach and store as many pretty ladies into the Spank Bank as possible (while also dodging those who make us want to gouge our eyes out).

For some odd reason, there’s a somewhat perturbing trend of high-waisted bikins that are considered conservative and fashion-forward at the same time. Hogwash, we say. The best bikinis are the ones that are barely bikinis at all — but instead strategically-placed pieces of cloth designed to keep ladies from straight-up violating public decency laws.

Here, we salute the swimsuits that would probably get you kicked out of a family swim park.