“We now have access to a website that has blogging, discussions, and a community where we can start talking about domestic violence, we can talk about ways to facilitate, we can talk about the different experiences that are facilitators have had, and that we can be open to different ideas.”

In addition to a brand new, updated website, Hughes says the Prince George base will be able to hire more facilitators of both genders.

He adds the program gets booked up months in advance due to the overwhelming number of people seeking help and support.

“For us, that’s a concern because if somebody walks through the door and first decides they have an issue, which is a big deal, and they’re having issues with anger right away, it’s difficult to say for them to come back in a month and a half. It’s something we want to address immediately.”

Hughes stresses for people who’ve been on either end of domestic violence, it’s important to address these issues privately, regardless if the problem is within family or friends.

“Talking about domestic violence isn’t something you talk about with your buddies at the construction site, it’s not something you talk about with your buddies at the bar, it is something you need to talk about in a safe environment. I think that’s what S.T.O.P. at the very least provides as a very safe environment for these individuals.”

Prince George serves as the main hub for this funding; S.T.O.P programs in Vancouver, Kamloops, and Campbell River will also receive money for their programs.

The announcement is part of a province-wide $660,000 donation for 11 non-for-profit community organizations that deliver domestic violence prevention programs.

The Northern John Howard Society will receive $60,000 from the provincial government to train more facilitators to deliver a domestic violence prevention program.

Stop Taking it Out on Your Partner (STOP) is open to everyone, not just those who've committed a crime and it has been drawing enough interest to create waiting lists.

"It seems to come in waves, but consistently there almost seems to be an over-demand," NJHS executive director Wayne Hughes said Friday during a media event to announce the funding.

He said the versions focused on couples and one-on-one counselling are booked two to three months in advance.

"For us that's a concern because if somebody walks through the door... and they're having anger issues right away, it's difficult to say to them, come back in a month and a half."

In addition to Prince George, NJHS is responsible for delivering STOP in Kamloops, Vancouver and Campbell River and the money will also be used to train facilitators in those communities.

A further $600,000 is going to 10 other groups delivering a different program.

There is also a group program - capped at 17 people and delivered three times a year - that consists of eight units, meeting once a week over 14 weeks.

A version exclusively for women is also available.

STOP works on such issues as dealing with anger and identifying triggers, the relationship between fear and anger, self esteem, toxic shame, respectful and effective communication and even tips on having fun in relationships.

Hughes issued a sobering warning about what it won't do: "One of the first things we tell our men in our group is that if you've come here to save your marriage, leave," he said. "Because the point of this program is not to save your marriage, the point of this program is for you to learn skills so that you are a better communicator, you understand your emotions, you can control your anger and you have these tools to become a better person."

In other words, a tough decision may still be in store.

"By the end of this, you might discover you're in a toxic relationship and you maybe need to leave the relationship."

In announcing the funding, Prince George-Mackenzie MLA Mike Morris said his parents separated when he was young over the very issues STOP is trying to tackle.

"It's something that's very near and dear to me," he said.

The money will also be used to pay the facilitators once trained and to augment the STOP website and pay for materials.

A timeline was not provided on when the new facilitators will be in place.

Prince George, B.C. – The John Howard Society in Prince George has received $60 thousand dollars from the Province for its STOP (Stop Taking it Out on your Partner) program that aims to be proactive in reducing domestic violence.

“What I liked about this particular program is you don’t have to be in jail, you don’t have to be convicted, or incarcerated, this is open to anybody who wants to change their life and their lifestyle and come to grips with how they treat other people their partners, or spouses” says Solicitor General Mike Morris.

Morris says he would like to see the program carried out in the province, “In a much bigger fashion than what we see today, and hopefully it will.”

Program facilitator Wayne Hughes says the program offers tools for those who want to learn how to deal with and manage their anger issues. The dollars will be used to train facilitators in Prince George, Kamloops, Vancouver and Campbell River . Hughes says the program which has been operational for two decades, is open to anyone who wants help “Over the past couple of years we’ve revamped the program to make it updated.” The updating includes increased use of video and reductions in text in an effort to address literacy issues among those seeking help.

The core of the program focuses on four issues says Hughes ” The core principles deal with emotional control, communication, they deal with self esteem and overlying all of that, they deal with accountability. The individuals who are involved in domestic violence are always held accountable for their actions and choosing violence is always a choice. ”

“We can no longer look at things in isolation, within the silos” says Morris “It’s a multi ministerial responsibility to address domestic violence, to address mental health and addictions and these other social ills that bring our society down.. I think we are going to see some pretty interesting things coming out of government in the next while to address those kinds of things.”

Facilitating Groups for Men Who Use Violence in Their Intimate Relationships

Client Group

The STOP program is designed for men who use violence or controlling behaviours within their intimate relationships these include physical, psychological, and sexual. We often use Gandhi’s definition of violence, “Any attempt to impose your will on another is an act of violence”. In other words, yelling, swearing at another person is considered violence, walking away and refusing to talk is also considered violence. We focus on physical, sexual, financial and psychological violence. Psychological violence includes verbal, mental, and emotional, violence. Controlling behaviours such as financial control or isolation is also considered domestic violence.

There are generally two types of male abusers. The first group is the bulling type, they get off on controlling and hurting others. The threat of legal action or jail is usually the only way to control these men. The second group is made up of men who don’t really want to use violence within their families. These men have usually grown up in an abusive environment where their caregivers have used anger and violence to resolve conflicts so they have not learned how to resolve issues in a healthy way. Or, sometimes they have not learned healthy anger management and conflict resolution because their caregivers used techniques like the silent treatment or just ignoring issues. Peer pressure as teen and adults also contributes to their use of violence to resolve issues within the immediate family. These men, as a rule, desperately want to learn healthy new behaviours. When feeling safe and respected, they tend to work hard at making positive changes in their behaviours. This is the group of men we usually work with. Men not willing to do the work or are not honest with themselves and us usually don’t complete the program.

Assisting these clients in feeling safe enough to take personal risks is an essential part the counsellors/facilitators job. We do this by never judging the client as a person but at the same time being firm on his behaviours. We encourage them to understand that they were doing the best they could with the limited tools and knowledge they were given while growing up. We remind them that they are in the program to learn new tools and obtain new skills. We find that most of our male clients respond well to this approach. They tend to want to show us they can change and are proud of the work they do. This approach is an important part of the program as it continually helps the clients develop feelings of self-esteem and self-worth. Teaching and insisting on personal responsibility is essential to the program. We teach the clients that they are responsible for all their behaviours, everything they do, feel, think, and say. In the program, we will not accept that somebody or something making them angry. They are taught that anger and other such behaviours are a choice. Using respectful behaviours is also insisted upon. For example, the men are encouraged to use other people’s names rather then “the wife” “the ex” or “the bitch”. They don’t have to like them but during group they must talk about them in a respectful manner.

We have found that the male group participants do much better if their partners are involved in the program. With this in mind, we have a group for the female partners the night before the men’s group. We teach the same program as the men and offer additional support those who struggling in their relationship. Often the women also use violence so this helps them understand and change those behaviours. This also helps keep the men honest. Some men have been known to use the program to further control or lie to their partners about what they are learning. Women who may be struggling in their relationship but whose partners can’t or will not attend the men’s group are also allowed to sit in. We also invite women whose partner’s are no longer not in the picture.

Program Outline

The STOP program is comprised of 12 three-hour sessions. Each session is typically held once a week. However, we often do one or two all day Saturday sessions. Each Saturday counts for two sessions. This shortens the overall length of the program. It also helps bring the participants together as a group.

Each session starts with a check-in. Each member, including facilitators, is expected to briefly talk about challenges he may have experienced since last group and how he handled it. Feedback and encouragement is given by the facilitator/counsellor. Where appropriate, some feedback from other group member is allowed. This is the part of the program that most men seem enjoy the most. They begin to see that they are not alone, that other men are experiencing similar problems as them. This also gives the facilitators an opportunity to judge whether members of the group understand and are using the material taught to them.

After a brief break, the education part of the program starts. Presentations by group facilitators are the main method used. We use a variety of presentation methods including videos; We watch Time for Change, to emphasise the importance of men getting help to make positive behaviour changes. We also show, It’ Not Like I Hit Her, which shows the devastation of psychological and sexual abuse within an intimate relationship. Many men are shocked and embarrassed to learn that some of their behaviours towards their partner are considered abusive/violent. The video, The Crown Prince is presented to help the men understand how domestic abuse/violence is learned while growing up and what they may be teaching their sons. Debriefing after each video is important as these films often trigger emotional responses in the participants.

We end each session with a checkout. Each member then briefly shares how the evening went for him and speaks to something he learned in group today. At this time the facilitators watch for any triggers that individual group members may have experienced. Group members are encouraged to stay after the session and deal with any unresolved issue that may have come during the session with the counsellor. Going home with unresolved issues can be dangerous to the man and/or his family. Time permitting; we often do a relaxation exercise at this time such as breathing exercises.

Modules:

The program uses 11 units divided over 12 weeks. Some units can be covered in a single day while others are stretched over multiple days.

This is the introduction session and in many ways the most important. We work at showing the men that it is a safe environment. Most men are literally terrified the first session. They don’t know what to expect. One man stated that he expected fist to start flying. Unfortunately, most of our male clients don’t know how to have a healthy relationship with other men. So developing trust for the program and each other is essential for a successful program. Many supportive and healthy friendships develop during the program.

Self-esteem is this session’s focus. We teach that there is no such thing as high or low self-esteem. Either we have self-esteem or we don’t. If we don’t, then we have self- defeating shame or self-defeating pride, at various levels.

Accountability: This can be the most difficult part of the program, as participants will often resist this assignment. The participants are required to write out their “Most Violent Episode”. They are give guideline on how to write it. If a person has difficulties writing, one of the facilitators will assist him. The participants then read out their episodes to the rest of the group. The group members are also given a homework assignment at this time. They are asked to write out a “Letter of Responsibility”. This letter is written to someone they have hurt. It does not have to be to the same person they wrote about in the episode. Whether give the letter to the person they are writing about is up to the participant. Guidelines on how to write the letter are given out. The letter will also be read out to the group. We find that most participants feel a great sense relief and freedom after completing this assignment. Participants read out their letters of responsibilities. Facilitators debrief & give feedback.

We finish with a graduation ceremony where participants are given certificates of completion.

Week Twelve

Conclusion

The S.T.O.P. program has a proven track record of success. However, how it is presented is more important then the actual material used. The participants need to be excited, want to learn to make positive changes in their lives. If the facilitators/counsellors do not respect the participants it is unlikely that the participants will be willing to take the needed risks to make those changes. Most, if not all these men have self-esteem issues, full of shame about who they are and what they have done. It is essential that at least one of the facilitators is a qualified counsellor/therapist who has the skill deal with any issues that may arise. For example, a male may share that he was sexually abused as a child. This could trigger responses in others who may have been abused. These types of situations must be dealt with before the regular program continues.