Now, why's he in the news? Tell me it's because he's divorcing Yasmin and is finally free, free, at last, to marry me. [Readies bridal eyeliner and frosted lipstick] I'm sorry, no. He has expressed disapproval of Robin Thicke's controversial Blurred Lines song and video.

Another male celebrity opines on Blurred Lines? Come on then, what has Simon said? "The problem with [the] video is that it disempowered all the women in it … the theme of the song is, 'You say you don't want it but you do,' and that's quite scary if you carry it through, so I felt that was a mistake."

I ♥ him very much. Though I ♥ every man who will say "disempowered" in public. Well, hang on – Duran Duran's videos weren't easily mistaken for empowering tracts either, were they? You remember, for example, Girls on Film?

Yes. I know – it had a lady in virtually no undergarments falling into a paddling pool. But it's hardly the same. And Duran Duran weren't even there! They were on a stage somewhere, with dry ice keeping them – um – down. That was the censored version. The uncut one had girls riding a foam-covered nuclear warhead and pouring champagne over themselves after a remarkably affectionate pillowfight, followed by a spot of topless mud wrestling before they were hosed clean by a roadie. And I suspect the boys leapt off the stage and mingled during tea breaks.

Oh. Maybe he wasn't really secretly sitting at home every evening waiting for me to walk past … I fear not.

Still, the lyrics ("Give me shudders with a whisper / Take me high 'til I'm a shooting star") are almost endearing now. Also, he has been married to the same woman – curse her everlasting luck, grace and beauty – since 1985, which is almost 1,000 celebrity years, which must bespeak some degree of integrity and nebulous pro-womanity. And they've got three daughters.

Exactly. All this must help us infer personal growth and feminist credentials. I believe in my sex god.