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Preamble: This blog was never meant to be political, I’ve done those before and the trolls are terrifying. Say one thing and those trolls start threatening you and wishing your house burns down. Nah, the political wasn’t for me anymore. No more twitter, no more feminist blogs- I was freeing up space in my life to allow in more happiness. This blog was suppose to be a fun and honest blog about things that don’t matter. My day job revolve(s/d) around crimes to women, homicide, rape, my PhD is all about terrorism and risks to radicalisation. It’s heavy, so I just wanted a happy outlet to talk about demolishing houses and now also about motherhood.

But then, this vulgar little twit named Trump came along and has got my mother heart pumping and my political light fuming. I think a lot of people agree with me but we are all scared to have those tough conversations in case we lose a family member, friend or colleague. I get that I totally do- but I feel that if we don’t speak up now, and have the tough conversations, we are allowing this hatred to grow. Everyday his presidency seems more and more real- and I can’t tell you how worried that makes me.

Trump is racist. You can agree on some of his policies, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that he is racist. His racism should override any other policy you agree with him on, because I promise you it does to minorities and it does to the international community. If you agree with him that Muslims should not be allowed in this country, than you too – are a racist. When people tell me, ‘they aren’t racist but the facts are the facts, Muslims are a risk to security’ well, that is just racist and wrong.

I am not an expert in terrorism, I am studying to become one. What I know about terrorism is not from the news, it is from evidence based research. If you were to write a profile for a terrorist based on evidence based research it would read something like – angry and educated white dude, politically minded and religiously affiliated, isolated from most other people and living in a shack. Also, he probably has a small penis, but somehow there has been no research done on penis size of terrorists. In terms of characteristics, they are most likely to have had a mental health issue, recent stress such as unemployment, have experienced racism or prejudice, be socially isolated, come from a privileged background, educated, be religious and politically motivated.

Do you know who is not committing terrorist attacks? Refugees. There has not been a single domestic terrorist attack on American soil from a refugee, there have been small numbers (like 3 in total) of refugees in America found guilty of terrorist attacks abroad. Donald Trump is a racist to suggest that refugees are potential terrorist.

But Trump doesn’t just say its just refugees fleeing ISIS who are potential terrorist- he also believes all Muslims are potential terrorist and should not be allowed in America (well except for the Mayor of London, he made an exception for him). Besides the stench of racism it is also just not evidence based. In fact only 2.5%of all terrorist attacks on U.S. soil between 1970 and 2012 were carried out by Muslims. This is a tiny proportion of all attacks. Especially when you are more likely to be killed accidentally by a toddler with a gun, than a muslim terrorist in the US.

What we fail to discuss as a nation is the fact that a large majority of domestic terrorist attacks are committed by extreme right ring and extreme left wing groups- think Timothy McVeigh (168 killed, 600 injured). Terrorist attacks are also committed by extremist Jews, Christians and Muslims, separatists Pueto Rican and Cuban exile groups. Terrorist bomb abortion clinics and churchs, they belong to hate groups and despite what the media says, terrorist groups are not just ISIS. If we keep pretending that terrorist groups are just ISIS we are ignoring the innocent lives that die every year due to terrorism. The capacity for terrorism is much larger than ISIS in America, it includes all 892 Hate Groups in America right now including 190 KKK groups. If we continue to just look at muslim extremism, we are allowing every other terrorist group to flourish in our ignorance.

Trump is just an old racist and as an angry, white, right-wing extremist, the evidence actually suggest that Trump is more of a terrorist risk than a refugee or Muslim is.

Our number one risk to our health and security, is not immigration, it is each other. From how we treat, respect, fight for and take care of each other. I think Trump supporters have forgotten how to empathise with strangers. Of course if your family was fleeing ISIS you would try to sell everything you have and flee, of course if you could not find a job in your country you would do everything you could to migrate. This does not make you a potential terrorist, rapist or freeloader. A refugee’s or migrants success in fleeing is not your failure, and for god sakes there are more important issues to tackle as a government, issues that actually do affect your health and security such as gun control, universal healthcare, contaminated water and police brutality.

Have you ever been to Auschwitz? I’m not bringing it up because of the whole Trump/ Nazi thing. I am just saying that at Auschwitz you see all of humanity in the tiniest space. You hear the stories of the people who lived there, you see the hair of people who were murdered, children’s shoes, you see their scratches on the walls of the gas chambers, you notice how incredibly small a space the gas chambers were for the influence they had on the world. Than you see pictures of people who risked their life to save a strangers. It is how we treat people that we do not know, this is how we should measure humanity and our success as a species.

Every day we wake up and make a decision, are we going to look out for each other today? Who is benefiting from my hate? Trump scares me because he wants to build walls instead of tear them down. If you support Trump, you have forgotten that people are not all bad, they do not all want to get you. Not everything is a competition, where there has to be a winner. Most people are nice people who want the same thing you do, to be healthy and secure and be with family and friends. The only way we can all be healthy and secure is if we work together.

I cried in the little kitchen in my office the other day while making a cup of tea. A woman asked me how I was feeling about coming back to work. This was not the first time anyone has asked this, I still get it a couple of times a week, and I use to say I feel ‘liberated,’or ‘going back to work makes me a better mother,’ but this time I just said ‘guilty’ and started to cry. And luckily the woman who asked me knew just what to do- she gave me a hug, tissue and told me from experience how well it worked out for her family. But if I am being really honest with myself, guilt is still all I feel when I walk out the door at 7 in the morning. Normally Freddie is crying, its dark and its raining because it’s England. Maybe if I had fairy godmothers and talking animals throwing glitter and cheering me on saying something like ‘work it girl,’ I would feel differently. It’s not getting easier, it’s getting more difficult so I don’t know what to say to those of you who tell me it gets easier. That’s just not happening for me.

But I do want to thank each and every one of you who have offered me a hug, a story and a shoulder about going back to work and just motherhood in general. I had so many women reach out after my last post about my worries of going back to work, it made me realise that the sisterhood is real. We may all decide to parent differently, but when it comes to loving on our kids and leaving them, well in that respect, we are all the same.

So besides feeling this deep and damning sense of guilt, what else is happening?

Freddie turned one. We’ve decided that this milestone is one that is more exciting for us than it is for him. We figure we can get away with another year of not making a big deal out of his birthday, so we got the kid a balloon, made a cake and called it a day. We won’t celebrate his birthday until the year he can say sing the birthday song. We may not be in the running for parents of the year, but we are helping him have realistic expectations of his January birthday. Everyone knows January birthday kids have it rough, being just after Christmas and in the middle of cold and flu season, generally kids January birthday parties are underwhelming with everyone cancelling at the last minute. When you grow up it gets even worse, everyone is skint after Christmas and there is buzz kill called ‘dry January,’ created by your liver, which ruins any amount of fun you may have in January. So while we may be the first people to give him a low key birthday party, we definitely won’t be the last.

Freddie had his naming and it was the most beautiful thing we have ever done. No truly. We might suck at birthdays, but I am so glad we gave the boy a proper naming (think Christianing or Baptism, but in Judaism it is when you receive your Jewish name).Freddie loves a platform and he thought the entire congregation was there for his naming. He said things like ‘ow’ when they handed him a teddy bear and tried to give the Rabbi a cuddle. He was the best and most sweetest baby there ever was, and I read the most beautiful words about creation and prayers for him. After his monologue, the kids played in the lobby of the synagogue while services continued, and every once in a while you would hear Freddie yelp with excitement and the Rabbi would comment. Afterwards we drank wine and went to a local Chinese to celebrate Freddie ‘Solomon’ Simmons Durrant. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and we are very lucky with our village people. Our village spoilt and loves on Freddie hard, and I hope one day he realises how lucky he is. Seriously, Freddie’s naming was one of the best evenings of my life.

And finally, we started a new project. Abe part II, aka George. This one is a doozy, it is smack in the middle of Canterbury, was built in 1795 and most likely hasn’t really been renovated since then. In some ways this is great, it still has the original panelling and fireplaces, in others it’s not so great- every room needs replastering, every ceiling needs taking down before it falls down. Did I mention the leaky roof? It is messy, but when the mess gets cleared and they start putting it back together I am going to fluff this Georgian up. I’m going bigger and bolder with colours, because why not- I think you can get away with more with age, and since George is over 200 years old, he can get away with almost anything (just not crocs). Move in date is set for the 7th of March- I have every faith in Will and the dream team, not much faith in the leaky roof, and still upset he did’t let me ride that lift.

I go back to work next month. First of all let’s get the giggles out of the way, yes I’ve had a year off to raise my little guy. No I’ve not been on ‘a vacation,’ you wouldn’t call having a major operation, shit up your arm and sleepless nights (and not for the fun reason) a vacation. Ok, maybe it does sound like a stag. You got me.

I’ve been helping Freddie grow into a tiny person all year long. And this tiny person will one day be a big person who can make his own decisions and run his own life. But for this past year, it has been mostly just us bumming around, crying, giggling and pulling faces. Every little trick is a milestone and I didn’t want to miss any of it. And I love him, and I love this, but as he becomes less dependent on me and ventures out into the big wide world, I also need to keep a foot in my own grownup world. For my own happiness and sense of self.

So what will my first week be like? I am sure there will be guilt, there will be tears, there will be wine. I will not be the same person I was at work before Freddie. I can’t be. I see the world completely differently since having him, every emotion is so much stronger. I love harder. I cry harder. I am more political and easily moved by risky events. Movies I watched before having Freddie that meant nothing, all of a sudden have me in floods of tears. I am more confident in myself and need to have a voice so I can speak up for Freddie. This is motherhood and nothing can prepare you for it.

Luckily for me, I find real value in my work and my studying. Both things make me a better mother. A more sane mother. But this thing called mom guilt is real, and society has a way of making us think that if we aren’t staying at home making little fairy cakes with our children we are bad moms and if we aren’t back at work making money to buy our children i-pads we are bad moms. Basically, you’re selfish and have always made the wrong choice if you are a mother in the West.

I have always been ambitious and hard on myself. Basically that just means I am female. The whole thing though about having a baby is that while you may be just as ambitious and more productive, doors close, you are a sitting duck between babies and your male and non-pregnant colleagues have continued to race up that career ladder while you reproduce and rear offspring. I’m watching my friends and myself struggle with this. The balance between career and family is so tough and one that every family makes differently.

One thing I know is that the ‘baby brain’ thing is legit- but not in the way everyone thinks. You can’t finish a sentence for months after having a baby, not because you’ve lost half your brain, but because you are learning to think for yourself and your baby. You are learning a new language and tuning in to someone else full time. That shit is hard and takes lots of concentration in the beginning, soon though it becomes second nature. What I don’t know is how that works when you are away from your little one. Will baby brain make me easily distracted and feel guilty because I am not with him? Will not having baby brain, or enjoying my time at work away from him make me a bad mother?

I have been obsessing over how it will be when I go back, how many hours I want to work, how will it affect Freddie, what I want to do while away from him for months. And I guess like everything so far with motherhood, you can’t guess how you will feel until you experience it. Oh the feelings you feel as a Mum. If you could bottle this much emotion and just release it every once in a while before major decisions are made in the world, there would be no such thing as war, genocide or Miley Cyrus.