Trust – Library of Professional Coachinghttps://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com
Coaching Articles and ResourcesWed, 13 Dec 2017 20:45:17 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.152727354How to Stop Lying to Yourself About Who You Really Arehttps://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/how-to-stop-lying-to-yourself-about-who-you-really-are/
https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/how-to-stop-lying-to-yourself-about-who-you-really-are/#respondThu, 07 May 2015 15:46:38 +0000http://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/?p=8344It’s so easy to lie about who I really am, and I’m not alone.

Someday I’d like to make a meaningful difference with my life, but I have a lot of work to do on myself before that can ever happen ~ I’m not ready yet.

No, don’t argue with me. All you have to do is look at the evidence.

So instead of charging out on the field, we sit on the sidelines wrapped up in low self-esteem, doubts, fears, false humility, and stories to prove how true it all is. But it’s all lies.

The Buddhist approach makes more sense. It’s called the wisdom of discernment, which is seeing things as they are. Carolyn Myss said it well:

Discernment is the capacity to identify the difference between what is truth and what is illusion, or a lie, or just the result of chaotic thinking.

Buying into these lies is the biggest obstacle to living the life you’re here to live. Psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach calls it the “trance of unworthiness” — a state in which you walk around in a fog that clouds your connection to who you are and what you can accomplish. After 35 years of coaching folks of all shapes and sizes, this I know for sure:

Every single belief, perception, thought, assumption or paradigm that does not point in the direction of the results you want is a limiting belief!

I’ve heard them all, and there’s not one that was the truth about the extraordinary being in front of me. Now that includes you.

Why should we stop telling these lies?

Because the cost is too high. All we need do is look at what’s happening in our world, our country, our organizations, and our relationships with one another.

]]>https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/how-to-stop-lying-to-yourself-about-who-you-really-are/feed/08344The Lies that Blind: The Truth that Sets You Freehttps://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/the-lies-that-blind-the-truth-that-sets-you-free/
https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/the-lies-that-blind-the-truth-that-sets-you-free/#respondTue, 05 May 2015 19:54:24 +0000http://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/?p=8327The late, great Joseph Campbell said, “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” The journey towards self-discovery is one I’ve experienced myself and witnessed in the lives of myriad executives I’ve coached over several decades.

Most of us like to think of ourselves as truthful, fair and honorable in our business dealings, friendships, and family affairs. We even pride ourselves on it. Sometimes we hold back in order to be diplomatic in business or politics, or to not hurt a loved one’s feelings and damage a relationship beyond repair, and we justify these exceptions accordingly. But experience has taught me that there are other limits to how open we can be with others – and those stem from our capacity to be honest with and about ourselves.

“I’m good at faking it.” ~ Janet Evanovich, Eleven on Top

Before assorted epiphanies allowed me to achieve the self awareness that is the foundation of emotional intelligence, of which self-honesty is the critical component, I was more in touch only with my intellectual intelligence. That and the socio-political values with which I was raised allowed me to get a high-status education, quite a few significant jobs, and participate in social action that served others – all of which I very much wanted to do.

Through my late twenties, I created a polished persona and it worked! I was a classic wounded healer, and while I accomplished a great deal, these masked internal demons were relentlessly driving me with little self-awareness. I acted from fear-based adaptive behavior that had served well as a protective shield from childhood traumas, but that I no longer needed and in fact, were damaging. I was knee-jerk reacting rather than proactively making choices.

The word “no” was not in my vocabulary. But I thought this was just what life was: difficult, filled with more downs than ups, and that everyone did what I was doing. I often found myself dealing with people I didn’t like, projects that were beneath my abilities, or other inappropriate situations.

Hey, I’m a motivational speaker!
I look good.
They pay me big money.
I get into people’s faces.
I put things on edge.
I inspire people to tell more truth,
And be real leaders
Huh? What about me?
Why, I’m fine of course.
I look good, don’t you think?
What’s that? I look a little older?
I seem uncomfortable with myself?
No, no. That’s not true. I’m happy!
You will see what I want you to see about me.

Hmmm, my look is not perfect …..
Well, let’s see, maybe if I took a little tuck here.
And maybe just a little nip over there.
And perhaps an enlargement right here.
But then also let’s suck a little out over there.
Oh, and while you’re at it doctor,
Could you just stretch that part there a little tighter?
Good, now when I stand in front of audiences
They will see what I want them to.
I control how you see me.
I control how you look at me.
So, how do you see me now?
What? Still not perfect?
Perhaps if I adjusted this little part right over here.
Then you would see what I want you to see.

Business is dropping?
No problem.
I’ll just write another book.
That will really help.
Let’s see …. A book about honesty,
And telling the truth.
That’s a hot topic these days.
Then, when you look at me,
You will see honesty in me.
Perfect.
That’s the image I want.
Don’t look at me to find the real me.
That’s not what I want you to see.
You will see about me what I want you to see!

Look, it’s important to create an image.
How I feel about myself doesn’t matter.
People will never see that.
What matters is controlling how you see me.
I will cut this and shave that.
I will pull this and clip that.
I will say this and not that.
I will look like a success.
It’s all marketing and communication.
You just have to say it right!
By the way, any challenges to that will be taken up by my lawyer.
I don’t mind suing, it’s all part of keeping up the image.

Keeping up the image.
That is what matters.
It’s an image after all,
Just like in a camera.
I know what I’m taking about.
Just read my books.
Look at my house.
Check out my car.
See my jewelry.
Look at my clothes.
If you miss all that,
See my bank account.
I know you will be impressed.
You will see what I want you to see!

Look at everything other than who is behind it all.
That is what I don’t want you to see,
Or ask anything about.
In fact before you think about asking me about me,
I will point out a couple things about you.
Before you can be a real leader,
These things must be cleared up.
This way your attention stays on you.
That way you only see what I want you to see about me!

Good, now that we have that straight,
What do I need to do?
Oh, I know, a new book.
I’ll write another book!
It’ll be about courage and being fearless.
Perfect!
That way when you see me,
You will see the perfect image:
I am a courageous leader!
I look like it!
I talk like it!
What else is there?

]]>https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/the-great-plastic-pretense/feed/08348Stop Lying to Yourself about Who You Really Arehttps://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/stop-lying-to-yourself-about-who-you-really-are-2/
https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/stop-lying-to-yourself-about-who-you-really-are-2/#respondTue, 05 May 2015 19:14:28 +0000http://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/?p=8350Introduction

It was some years ago when I made the career transition from a musician in the British Army to an Executive Coach. It was an enormous step and one that had, among many, two very strong emotions attached to it — excitement and anxiety. It was a tough journey and I became a prisoner of my anxiety, and began to lose the excitement. I was losing sight of who I really was.

As Daniel Goleman puts it, our emotions provide us with intelligence from which we can make decisions. I wasn’t being very intelligent and my emotions were running away with me. In the grip of my anxiety I lost all belief in myself, and started lying to myself. On the one hand I had the sense that this was the right career for me, but much of the time I was a prisoner of my anxiety which was constantly saying to me, “You’re not good enough; forget this!”

I was lying to myself. I can’t remember if it was a seminal moment or a series of events which led me to feeling good about myself as a coach. For sure it helps to experience some external victories, get good feedback, produce positive results and win repeat business. But the real victory was when I really started to believe in myself; a private victory. As I found the real, authentic me, my belief grew, literally immediately. As I trusted myself more, my confidence improved and my performance transformed. Do I still have anxieties? Yes, of course I do. But I manage these emotions way more effectively.., not all of the time, but a lot more than not!

]]>https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/stop-lying-to-yourself-about-who-you-really-are-2/feed/08350Stop Lying to Yourself About Who You Really Arehttps://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/stop-lying-to-yourself-about-who-you-really-are/
https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/stop-lying-to-yourself-about-who-you-really-are/#respondMon, 04 May 2015 17:30:01 +0000http://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/?p=8354Each of us seeks meaning, identity and structure in our lives. With that task comes the pursuit of authenticity in who we really are, as we strive to overcome the labels, aspirations, or projections that others may have for us. Often in life we see ourselves as the well-meaning, subtle lie told by others, or secretly pledged in our own minds over the course of our lives. For example, the phrase “Mom always thought I would be a doctor” turned out to be her aspirational statement that influenced the little white lie I told myself about what my career goals might one day become.

A reflective life is about sorting out these questions and challenging the lies we tell ourselves. At times it is our ego that creates the lie. “I am the best at what I do.” Other times, it is the morality or politics driven by our personal beliefs that set the lie. “Climate Change is not man-made because that man on Fox News said otherwise.” Our truths and meaning can sometimes be driven by the identities we seek. The labels we grow comfortable with – conservative, progressive, populist, intellectual – can Velcro a host of lies to our psychological needs to belong, identify or project.

It is human nature to lie to ourselves about others, and indeed, to kid ourselves about who we are. Some carry such internal lies to an extreme. Seinfeld character George Costanza famously said, “My whole life is a lie.” Anyone familiar with his television personality would agree, but how many of us confront our own tendencies to self-misrepresent the truth in our own lives?

Most of the time it seems OK to lie to ourselves. “I am not really that fat”, or “I don’t feel like I act that old”, when indeed we probably are or do. The late comedian George Carlin said, “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” As we try to find the meaning and identity in our lives, we sometimes get stuck in these small lies. In the communities in which we live, we often romanticize or promote the ambiance of our neighborhoods beyond the realities on the ground. “We are a tight-knit Southern community where everyone knows everyone” may in fact describe more of a regional aspiration for a bygone era than the reality on the ground of a transient and sprawling suburb. American society more often resonates with wishful thinking about our cultural and religious roots as a nation and our past stature in the world than with present-day realities. The assumptions embedded in these false perceptions can influence everything from community property values to national public policy.

]]>https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/stop-lying-to-yourself-about-who-you-really-are/feed/08354You Lie to Yourself. No Really, You Do! And It’s Costing You…https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/you-lie-to-yourself-no-really-you-do-and-its-costing-you/
https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/you-lie-to-yourself-no-really-you-do-and-its-costing-you/#respondMon, 04 May 2015 17:13:11 +0000http://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/?p=8329Fess Up — You Lie!

If you are human, and I presume you are given you are reading this, you have red blood cells and white blood cells, and you lie. As a human you need oxygen to survive, and you lie. It is that simple. We humans are all liars, especially to ourselves about ourselves. Before you go on, just notice your reactions – your thoughts, feelings and opinions about that assertion.

We were born with a built-in capacity to lie. Even as babies we lied; can you believe that? Fake crying is one of the earliest forms of deception to emerge, says Dr. Reddy of the University of Portsmouth in the UK. Infants use fake crying to get attention even though nothing is wrong. You can tell, says Dr. Reddy, as they will pause their crying while they wait to hear if their mother is responding before crying again.

Maybe lying is a much more widespread and natural phenomenon than we realize. We now know, with at least one clear example that gorillas lie. Penny Patterson has spent years teaching Koko the gorilla to communicate with sign language at the Gorilla Foundation in Northern California. One day, when no one was around, Koko, who weighs 300 pounds managed to rip a sink out of the wall. When asked who ripped out the sink, Koko signed, “The cat did it.” Yep, that sounds like a lie to me.

Maybe lying serves many purposes; Dr. Reddy thinks children use early lying to discover what kinds of lies work. In early childhood we also learn the benefits of lying and the negative consequences of lying too much. Pretty soon we are adept at discerning what lies work and what lies get us into trouble; a skill we hone, as we get older and more experienced.

From our earliest beginnings most of us have been told that we shouldn’t lie. Raise the topic in just about any group and you will soon have a consensus that lying is bad and wrong and good people shouldn’t do it – even though we all do it. But is it that simple? Well, no!

]]>https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/you-lie-to-yourself-no-really-you-do-and-its-costing-you/feed/08329Trust, The Enabling Context For The Emergence Of Truthhttps://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/trust-the-enabling-context-for-the-emergence-of-truth/
https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/trust-the-enabling-context-for-the-emergence-of-truth/#respondMon, 04 May 2015 17:00:25 +0000http://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/?p=8332I am, at the age of eighty, in the course of identifying the most impactful encounters that have influenced how I act and think. Included in the encounters are books, poems, plays, jokes, cartoons, pieces of music, songs, and people of all ages and from many different countries. Without exception they have supported me to recognise when I am lying to myself about who I really am.

In the main, the words and music were created by people whose names many would know. But not all of them, as they include my Mother and Grandmother. Neither of them were well educated, but I know that born later they would have made great contributions to colleges and universities. Instead they made great contributions to their children and grandchildren with words that probably came from their Grandmothers and Mothers. One of the sayings was, “Tell the truth and shame the devil.” Since they didn’t come from the world of academia, no book was written to support the assertion. It involved trust and usage to validate its veracity and worth.

The word “trust” is a useful segue from the world of grandmothers and mothers to the world of work. Trust is necessary for truth to thrive and is a vital ingredient in any context. Trust unlocks the power of truth.

A time existed when deals were sealed without pen and paper, but by the physical act of shaking hands. The spit on the hand and the handshake provided the opportunity to both “feel” the truth and seal the deal. It was one highly simple act in which two people joined together without the need for corporate lawyers and reams of paper.

I and four other board colleagues were involved in the buy-out of a long-established shipping company, which had been created through acquisitions by a brilliant Edwardian entrepreneur. We were financed by a consortium of ten merchant banks. The legal papers stood three feet high and I remember thinking that it was more than likely that a number of errors had been tucked away. Never-the-less, we all trusted that the legal work was true and accurate, and went ahead. I hoped that somewhere we would find that we had by chance acquired a few acres of valuable Docklands property. We hadn’t, but we did now own an old coaling depot on the Suez Canal!

Over the course of the first few months of ownership we met for lunch with representatives of the banks. One was particularly interesting. When I asked how he decided to invest his company’s money he replied that, although all of our forecasts looked impressive, he based his decision on the fact that we looked competent and he trusted us. The truth rested on his trust of us. We had acted in good faith and so had he.

]]>https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/trust-the-enabling-context-for-the-emergence-of-truth/feed/08332Becoming Who You Really Arehttps://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/becoming-who-you-really-are/
https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/becoming-who-you-really-are/#respondWed, 22 Apr 2015 21:35:28 +0000http://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/?p=8359My first reaction to the idea of writing, “Stop lying to yourself about who you really are!” was, “Well, I don’t think I do lie to myself.” Some mistakes maybe, a little exaggeration here and there, an excuse now and then, I guess.., but I think I do know pretty well “who I am” – strengths, weaknesses, roles I occupy (work, family, memberships, etc.), moral values, habits…. Other people, I suppose, may sometimes see me differently. But I know “me” better than they do. Lie to myself…? Nah.

Looked at another way, though.., from another angle.., what I’m going to try here is just to be thought provoking. Try to read it that way. See if any of the following perspectives raise interesting questions for you as to how you might sometimes be absentmindedly kidding yourself about who you really are.

A life-long challenge for each of us is figuring out how the world works, and seeing how we might best navigate our way through life in such a way as to make it a good trip – good for yourself, and good for people you decide to care about. You start this at the time you’re born and continue until you die, coming up with the best answers you can to both of these questions. And your answers about yourself (at least the ones you actually live, don’t just claim), really do become “Who You Are.”

Who are you actually? It seems to me that a correct answer would have to include all of the lifetime experience you’ve had so far – thoughts, feelings, skills, beliefs, hope, values, style, social influence, and much more. (What would you add?) Call all of these your “Available Self” or the “Available You” – parts, aspects that you might call forth to be in the saddle at any particular moment in your life, depending on where you are and what’s going on at the time.

I’ve been worshipping myself in secret, alone and away from the love of my family and from the people of the world. I see now there has been a blanket over my consciousness, and wind in my sails that has driven me into seas unknown and unintended. I’ve awoken to my past. I’ve been walking in a dream with some part of myself that I haven’t even known directing my actions. Even when I’m surrounded by people, when I’m cresting through the currents and crashing waves of reality, some part of me has been on autopilot.

But that’s a lie, really. I’ve known the whole time.

Oh, the possibilities inherent in me! All the worlds a stage and I have control over my destiny – I can spend my life working for betterment while making millions (actually trillions) of dollars! I can lead social movements as an activist or develop a cult of personality! I can pursue inner peace and enlightenment, perhaps helping others find peace themselves. Why, I could do so, much my wake would create currents of its own, and soon others themselves would find the waves that buffet them to have been made by me!

Is that irony, or corruption?

Certainly, I’m going to be bigger than Disney. And why shouldn’t I be – it’s me were talking about now. There’s always been a part of me that knew I had exactly what the world needed. I’m here, I’m ready, and all the potential is there!

Can you see how deceptive my god is? This line of thinking leads inexorably to a single question: “Why am I REALLY here?” My mind demands that I tackle this problem head on. But wait.., where am I? Where am I and how can I impact the world today, or tomorrow? What doors are open to me and which are absolutely shut? How much time have I wasted away from all that I’m capable of?

And which problem am I facing? Out of all of the possibilities my false idol is capable of, is it only my focus that determines my reality? I’m ready to accept destiny and fate and all the responsibility I can! Now, where do I start?

]]>https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/false-idols/feed/08337I Am Not A Speed Bump!https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/summary-of-latest-informal-research-on-speed-bumps/
https://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/concepts/trust-foundations/summary-of-latest-informal-research-on-speed-bumps/#respondWed, 22 Apr 2015 21:31:43 +0000http://libraryofprofessionalcoaching.com/?p=8341•Everyone sometimes lies to themselves about who they really are.
•When people don’t lie to themselves about who they really are, life flows.
•When people do lie to themselves about themselves, life bumps along.
•Lying to yourself about who you really are is a speed bump.

A speed bump is intentionally put on a road to make cars slow down and be less dangerous to children, dogs and other cars. Speed bumps also seem to exist in places where you never see people, dogs, or even many cars. Speed bumps are not a problem if you are driving three or 4 miles an hour. Anything over that produces an intrusive shock. Samples of what people report experiencing as speed bumps:
•This society where money is more important than people is a speed bump
•Fundamentalists — left-wing, right-wing, religious, political, corporate, racial, are speed bumps
•Incessant advertising is a speed bump
•Most situation comedies and reality TV shows are speed bumps
•Money-driven people on the make are speed bumps
•Widespread wage slavery is a speed bump
•Interest-based banking is a speed bump
•The cruelty of most elites is a speed bump
•Role-based employment is a speed bump
•Consciousness numbing media is a speed bump
•Petty bureaucrats are speed bumps
•Control freaks are speed bumps
•True Believers who kill off what they don’t like are speed bumps
•Having to make money to prove I’m worthwhile is a speed bump
•Lying to myself about who I really am for money is a speed bump