Marriage Enhancement Final

If your thoughts and feelings are easily distorted, what will usually arise?

Marital Problems

When the 4 horsemen become deeply entrenched in your relationship, what will happen to your inner script?

It will become negative.

What is the innocent victim or IV position in argument?

You will mainly feel fear.

You see your spouse as an attacking monster.

You feel unfairly accused, mistreated, and unappreciated.

What is RI or righteous indignation?

When you feel hurt and angry and want revenge.

What do stonewallers often harbour that fuels their silence?

RI or righteous indignation.

During confrontation, most couples have distressing thoughts that fall into one of two categories, what are those two categories?

Innocent victim

Righteous indignation

Can fear cause stonewalling?

Yes

What is one of the largest dangers to playing the innocent victim role?

By playing the innocent victim, the spouse will feel no responsibility for the conflict and then will not do anything to work on saving their marriage. They will think nothing is their fault.

People who are hit hard by contempt often have inner scripts filled with what?

Righteous indignation.

You must have what 2 things to keep yourself from falling into the Innocent Victim or Righteous Indignation Traps?

Courage

Self Awareness

What is the worst consequence of a negative script?

Flooding

What is it called when you:
Feel unfairly attacked and misunderstood.
You are extremely hostile, defensive, or withdrawn.
You are out of control and constructive discussion is not possible?

Flooding

What is the antidote to flooding?

Practice soothing yourself and your mate.

What is an underliner?

A way for your partner to emphasize something he or she is feeling rather than as a personal attack.

True or False: When you become flooded, your heart rate increases by 8BPM over base.

True

Chronic flooding occurs when we become what 2 things?

Hyper vigilant

Super defensive

When chronic flooding occurs what things will you experience?

Thinking the worst thoughts possible.

Become blind to good things.

Stages of distance and isolation cascade.

What are the 5 things that will happen when chronic flooding occurs?

See your marital problems as severe

Talking things over with your spouse will seem useless.

Start to lead parallel lives

Loneliness

Rewriting history

Which sex is more likely to bring up hot topics in a marriage?

Female

From an early age, how are girls taught to deal with emotions?

Navigate through them

From an early age, how are boys taught to deal with emotions?

How to avoid emotions.

In the happiest marriages, are there differences between how each expresses emotions?

No

What percent of stonewallers are men?

85%

Where do differences between men and women originate?

Gradeschool.

By what are are frienships between boys and girls virtually non existent?

Age 7

When it comes to games, what are boys more concerned about? What are girls more concerned about?

Boys = Competing to win.

Girls = Relationships between team members.

Men are more likely to be "too rational" and downplay emotions. True or False.

True

Which sex is more likely to criticize and complain about their spouse?

Female

When a man withdraws from an emotional conversation, what does the women feel the need to do? Does this work?

The women feels the need to chase and take it up a notch.

This does not work.

What is "kitchen sinking"?

When women become overcome with emotion, the will start bringing up past and present issues, mixing them with sarcasm and contempt.

What adice should be taken by men in regards to emotional issues?

Embrace her anger.

Don't sidestep problems.

Let her talk out her frustrations.

What advice should be taken by women in regards to emotional issues?

Confront your husband gently.

Try to bring up issues in a calm, gentile, kind manner.

Which marriage type can be described by the following:
Easy and calm.
Pick battles carefully.
Often live traditional sex roles.
Good friends.
Value "we-ness"
no need for privacy.
Sacrifice personal development in favor of a strong bond.

Validating

Which marriage type fights like this:
Each airs views while the other listens.
Realize that understanding is not an agreement.
Each tries to convince the other.
Negotiate a settlement both can live with.

Validating

Which marriage type can be described by the following:
Conflict minimizers.
Conspire to dodge and hedge.
Agree to disagree.
Resolve issues by appealing to basic share of philosophy of life.
To solve problems they ignore their differences.
Time will take course.
They reaffirm the things they love and value in marriage and accentuate the positive. Accept the rest.

Avoidant

These are some negative aspects of what marital type:
Low level of companionship and sharing.
Value separateness.
Maintain autonomy.
Unable to solve problems they can't avoid.
sometimes a lonely marriage.

Avoidant

Which marital type can be recognized by the following:
Skip the validation phase of compromising.
The fight hard and make up with passion.
Ride the emotional roller coaster.
See each other as equals.
Both expressive and nurturing.
Open with feelings.
Liberated marriage.

Volatile

The following down falls are characteristic to which marriage type:
When they lose sight of boundaries, the lose stability.
Constant teasing can lead to hurt feelings.
Uncensored feelings can hurt.
Must have high levels of positivity to balance negativity.

Volatile

What is the Rx for criticism?

Learn to state your grievances and complaints in a manner that your spouse will not take as a personal attack.

Learn to make your criticism specific and state them as complaints.

What is the Rx for contempt?

Increase 5:1 positive to negative

Replace bad habit with expressions of genuine validation and admiration.

It starts with controlling your thoughts.

What is the Rx for defensiveness?

Calm down - take your pulse

Recognize flooding - soothe your thoughts

Master ways to speak and listen non-defensively

What is the Rx for stonewalling?

Change your distressed feelings to soothing/calm ones.

What is the cycle of negativity?

Long cycles of negative responses.

One response is met with a counter-negative.

You are trapped.

What is the Rx for the cycle of negativity?

Use repair mechanisms.

Confront the problem agreeably.

Increase positive to negative ratio.

Learn to control your tongue.

What are distress maintaining thoughts?

Negative thoughts set in stone destroy marriages.

IV or RI can be the things dominating your thoughts.

These things can lead to flooding.

What is the Rx for distress maintaining thoughts?

Become aware of your negative thought patterns.

You have power to change the way you think about others.

What is distance and isolation?

Flooding leads to avoiding your partner.

You feel your problems are severe and you start to lose hope.

It's not worth talking about your problems.

You emotionally divorce your partner, live parallel lives, and become lonely and vulnerable.