Jackson County, West Virginia Breaking one of my own rules, I decided this story was too fantastic not to feature even though it’s a month old and there’s been no new developments. I originally shot this story to Lazlo with great anticipation of reading his take on Melissa. But internet connections are unpredictable in Borneo. At least that was his explanation. I’ve not yet come to a conclusion what the hell he’s doing there – his messages are cryptic at best. When I’ve attempted asking Deadmyron for help decoding the messages, he recites some obscure alien controversy dialog, says the CIA is tapping his phone, and quickly hangs up. I thought about sending this story link to him but the last time I did that I got a 47,000 word essay on human sexuality that was so incredible I was sort of fearful about where he’d go with Melissa’s story. Plus, DM is still suffering from chronic pain from being probed a couple of months ago. Athena has been banned from the internet for the remaining 3 months of her stint at the convent. I thought about asking her to pen the article over whatever paper was available to her, (church bulletin, pages from Deuteronomy, etc) but the risk of her getting caught ended up out-weighing the hilarity of envisioning how the final product would look. In hindsight, Athena would have been the best option, just to see the words: “pussy”, “eat”, and “stench” coming from a holy institution. But instead, you all are stuck with me, who simply couldn’t let this story slip into a world of obscurity. Plus I just couldn’t get this chick’s mug out of my head. Nor her “situation”. (more…)

Seneca, South Carolina Police got lucky in a way when they responded to a 911 report of a burglary occurring at a private residence. Lucky because they didn’t have to look far for the “alleged” perpetrator. When they arrived, they found 31-year-old Noah Smith lying nekkid on the floor of the doorway, sunny side up. Their luck quickly ran dry when they thought this would be an easy apprehension. They learned a valuable lesson: people who would break into a place buttass naked are probably not right in the head and one should proceed with caution. Me? I’ve covered enough of these stories to know “peeled” antics most often include drug use of some form. Which again, one should proceed with caution. Be prepared. And for God’s sake, carry elephant tranquilizer, tasers don’t affect these wild creatures. (more…)

Evansville, Indiana There’s at least one little 2-year-old who didn’t get to go Trick-or-Treating this year and she can thank her mommy’s boyfriend, Kyle Hankins, for that shit. And since this asshole had a history of abuse, she might as well thank her mother as well. She’ll maybe have that chance when she’s released from the burn unit and when her 3rd-degree burns start to heal. (more…)

Glendale, Arizona / Ouachita Parish, Louisiana I don’t care what your party stories are, nothing can compare to Matthew Hicks’ tale. Period. Or at least what he can remember of it, which is just enough to award him with the Dude trophy.

Found wearing only a pair of rubber boots some 1300 miles away from home, police responded to a 911 call and apprehended Matthew Hicks (32) walking toward the road. I surmise, just by the sheer nature of being all nekkid, they were certain they had their man.

He couldn’t recall why his car was towed, nor how he landed at the home of the lady who called the police, but he did know he was from Glendale, Arizona and well, decided to make the best of a confusing situation.

While looking out your window and seeing some stranger lathering himself up and bathing in your swimming pool may be a tad strange, seeing that same stranger humping your glass door isn’t that far out there. I mean, who hasn’t done it at least once?

Authorities state Hicks admitted to bathing in the swimming pool and when asked about the lewd acts with the door, his response: “She saw me?” Dude. You were attempting to hump a glass door, of course she saw you. And she was unamused. And a bit disturbed.

Humpty Dumpty was charged on one count of exposing his genitals in public and one count of trespassing. (more…)

Fullerton, California When I came across this little story I immediately started reflecting on hilarious but somewhat gross times on my old college campus. I’m sure you all have witnessed similar situations, perhaps even been among the unfortunate. Back in those days, we could actually smoke in buildings…way before the tobacco Nazi’s came in and ruined everything. Anyway, the scene is set: lots of drinking, lots of smoking, very few ashtrays to go around. Abandoned or empty beer cans were often used as a replacement, or plastic cups with a swallow or two of beer left in the bottom. By this time of evening, the conversations were intense and loud because everyone knows the ability to hear oneself speak while intoxicated is damn near impossible. It rarely failed, someone would be so adamant about convincing a group of people they had all the answers while grabbing their beverage without looking, taking a big gulp, only to find it was someone’s ashtray after it was way too late. Sometimes they’d puke. Sometimes they wish they’d puke. It was usually after finding out they’d just swallowed a mouthful of someone’s spit. Everyone else would laugh their ass off but I can pretty much guarantee those containers were never maliciously planted. And I can also pretty much guarantee none of those containers were blatantly jacked off in and served. (more…)

Tenino, Washington Imagine being a policeman on patrol in a town of less than 1500. Not much goes on. Evenings are probably spent riding around busting people for stopping in the middle of the street to visit, running stop signs, and giving directions out of town for those who’ve stumbled in wishing to get out. Imagine being on patrol and getting flagged down and told something that was so unbelievable, you don’t know whether to laugh at the guy or get him committed into some mental institution. Especially if that guy were telling you something similar to, ‘I was on this trail and some kid stopped me and asked if I’d help him get rid of a dead body that was in his truck…” and as you’re listening, the guy looks up at a passing vehicle and exclaims something like: “THAT’S HIM”! (more…)

Miami, Florida It’s not often a regular old insurance executive from Florida gets to hook-up with Supermodel Christie Brinkley and it’s not unusual for this sort of news to hit the wires. I mean, she’s been through 4 marriages and 4 divorces, she’s still in great shape – inquiring minds with a finger on the pulse of entertainment news jump on these stories. Especially when there are little tid-bits of very personal details revealed such as: “She doesn’t seem to enjoy it as much when we have sex.” “Maybe it is because I haven’t been as energetic lately, and that’s why she’s not enjoying it.” Poor guy. But why tell this shit to the veterinary worker? (more…)