Sunday, March 3, 2013

Dennis Tito, the millionaire space tourist, has recently created a foundation which is seeking—I kid you not—a married couple for a 501-day circuit around Mars; a trip even Jackie Gleason would find ambitious.

Due to the cramped, claustrophobic conditions, Tito feels a married couple would handle it better than a pair of strangers. But here is how I think it would go:

Day 1.

Husband: This is amazing. I can see North and South America all at once.

Wife: I never realized just what a fragile jewel the Earth is. I am overcome.

Day 30.

Wife: Do we have any Twix left?

Husband: No.

Wife: You effing* ate the last Twix? There were, like, 20 left yesterday.

Husband: Who's counting?

Wife: Grrrrr.

Day 100.

Husband: Is that Earth? That little dot by the three white dots? I can't tell.

Wife: Who am I, Galileo?

Husband: I forgot my glasses.

Wife: Well, there's a shock.

Day 250.

Husband: Mars is huge. I never knew it was so big. Did you know it was so big?

Wife: You know what's big? My craving for a Twix right now.

Day 300.

Husband: Have you seen my iPad charger? I was on the last level of Pizzas vs. Skeletons.

Wife: You mean the iPad charger sticking out of your shirt pocket?

Husband: You don't have to be snarky.

Wife: The whole universe is out your window and you're playing games?

Husband: You see the Milky Way, you've seen the Milky Way.

Day 350.

Wife: Did you do today's experiment yet? With the salt crystals?

Husband: That was an experiment? I thought it was for the pasta.

Wife: You ate the experiment?

Husband: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of negative?

Wife: You left me some pasta, though, right?

Husband:

Wife: Perfect.

Day 450.

Husband: Divorce should be a last step, not a first step.

Wife: Dare me to open that hatch. Dare me.

Day 500.

Husband: Ah, Earth. One more day. When we get home, I'm buying you a whole case of Twix.

Wife: Yeah, you are. So...how are we going to spin this?

Husband: It was a spectacular journey, not just of our solar system but of ourselves, yadda-yadda.