15 Lessons from Shiva

Practical ideas for helping to ease someone through the mourning process.

It was 4 a.m. when the call came, but we slept through it. Then it came again at 5:45 a.m. and I let it go to voice mail. The third time the phone rang I ran for it. It was New York calling. My wife's family was on the line. I knew the words before they spoke them. My mother-in-law had passed away a few hours ago.

Shock, disillusionment, disorientation, regret, frustration. These emotions and more flowed through us as we scrambled to arrange the funeral and flights, and assemble a small army to tend to our children while my wife and I would be away.

Throughout the flight I felt terrible pangs of regret. Had I been too selfish by not championing my wife to visit her mother more often? Should she have red-eyed it more to New York to see her ailing mother, who was a widow and alone in a beautiful assisted living facility? I pondered these thoughts in the dark plane cabin, enveloped within my gnawing guilt. My poor wife, had I added to her mournful state?

I decided that I would do whatever necessary to ease my wife through the mourning process.

Shiva is the seven-day mourning period that follows burial. The purpose is to grieve intensely, and prepare to move on. During that week, friends, neighbors and colleagues come for a short visit to comfort the mourner. Here are my lessons learned from my wife's week of sitting shiva:

Lesson 1: Shiva is not for anything but mourning. Yes, if you are a mom you must do things no one else can, like give emotional deposits, guidance, and lunch instructions to your kids. Otherwise defer, postpone, and reschedule. Change your voicemail, have an auto-responder on your email, and post a sign on your office door.

Lesson 2: We posted visiting hours on our front door and made sure people understood they could not come after 9:30 p.m. Otherwise people will come in, whenever, for however long. In any event, leave a pad on the front door so people can leave notes. Some people traveled a long distance, only to find out they missed out on the hours and wanted to give their condolences.

Lesson 3: Contact everyone and let them know what happened. You have circles of friends and acquaintances that are bigger than you think. There are work circles, family circles, school circles, community circles, distant relative circles, etc. Think them through and have others help get the word out. I sent out notices on three different email lists and still missed a swath of people. If there ever was a week that things fall through the cracks, this is it. Worse than not coming to visit shiva, is forgetting to inform someone that would have come to visit. On the flip side, everyone forgives you for everything.

Lesson 4: Give your spouse everything you can. She has only one mother. The best advice a colleague gave me was to take the week off from work. I did. I ran errands and tried to make life pleasant with lunches and coffee drink surprises. It definitely brought us closer together. Normally I work long hours, so to take off work meant a lot to my wife. She knew I was giving her my all. And our neighbors knew something was amiss when, the first day back from the New York burial, I was spotted at 10 a.m. wheeling a baby stroller.

Lesson 5: Write down the names of everyone who delivers a meal, does you a favor, watches the kids for an hour, anything. It means a lot to people to be thanked, and my wife wanted to express her gratitude to all those who eased her loss. At first you think you will remember everyone, but then it becomes too overwhelming. Also, compile all letters and notes received. It makes for a comforting read months down the line.

Lesson 6: When you come to visit, remember that it is for the benefit of the mourner. This is the last place on earth you want to talk about yourself as interesting as you may be. It takes tremendous psychic energy for the mourner to entertain your ego. Also, never argue about anything with the mourner. Never. Leave it at the door. At least wait till the shiva week is over.

Lesson 7: When making a shiva call, don't expect food and entertainment. The "deli platter concept" every evening is really not conducive to the shiva process. Just focus on the mourner, not your appetite. The coffee clutch that sometimes develops in the kitchen is just out of place with the mourner holding court in the living room. There should be only one conversation going on. That is giving real honor to the deceased and the mourner. Obviously in other quarters of the house homework and other matters can be discussed as long as they are not heard. But it's not party time. [If there is a morning minyan in the house, you can put out coffee, juice, fruit, danish, etc., for those who need to go straight to work.]

Lesson 8: It seems to me that anything less than a 10-minute visit, unless you're the President of the United States or something like that, is too quick. God will forgive your time management goals this day, unless of course you left a child in the bath tub. And please, make sure to turn off your cell phone.

Lesson 9: So what should you talk about? Ask to see pictures of the deceased's life. Ask the mourner to describe the decease's finest hour. What will they want to have been remembered for? How will you remember them?

Lesson 10: Never assume the mourner has taken care of anything. They are spaced out and disoriented. I have literally seen mourners go without lunch because everyone thinks they are taken care of. Don't assume that at all. Mourners are preoccupied. They may need shopping, errands, car pools, letters mailed, a phone call or three made, the dog walked, the baby diapered, etc. Who is doing the laundry and cleaning the floors and bathrooms? These are big jobs. Mourning is physically taxing and they are locked down with visitors. Assume nothing was done. Don't ask "Do you need something?" Instead, just do something. Better yet, do something and then ask, "Can I do anything else?"

Lesson 11: Make sure someone is on hand to rearrange chairs, clean up, direct traffic, take deliveries, etc. Someone has to be the head referee and crowd controller. I walked everyone out and welcomed everyone in. It helped create movement to keep the rotation flowing. It also helped those who felt self-conscious about entering and exiting.

Lesson 12: When the shiva period has ended, don't expect the mourner's relief to suddenly break forth or sadness to evaporate. That takes time. So when you see the mourner participating in the world again, treat them with care. Constantly be checking in with the mourner. They will still like to talk about their loss. It is an awful feeling to be abandoned after the shiva, even for introverts. Spend some private time later on with the mourner, "just because." Getting back to normal could take a year or more.

Lesson 13: Make sure Kaddish is said every day. Kaddish fills the spiritual void that is now missing from the world and is an enormous merit for the deceased. We arranged on Aish.com for someone to say Kaddish by the Western Wall. We also arranged for the entire Oral Law to be learned in my mother-in-law's memory and merit. That is a big mitzvah and a big comfort to the soul of the deceased.

Lesson 14: Take on one good deed in the deceased's memory. My son and I learn small, concise pieces of Torah each day. We recite his grandmother's name before we start. It also has bonded us like glue.

Lesson 15: Write out an ethical will that the deceased would have left behind for their children, grandchildren, spouse, and friends. I asked my wife to write out what her mother would have told the children if she knew she would never see them again. It can be a very powerful and cathartic experience.

If you have additional advice, please post it in the comments box below, to help others deal with this difficult time of life.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Rabbi Aryeh Markman graduated with honors in Finance from the University of Illinois and spent 5 years leading tours around the world. His claim to fame is he was on the first ever Discovery Seminar and it worked! He is the Executive Director of Aish Los Angeles where he lives with his wife Rochel (his editor) and their children.

Visitor Comments: 48

(48)
Kayla,
August 1, 2015 4:16 AM

Sensitivity during shiva call

Having just sat shiva for my father, of blessed memory, I was very comforted by many friends and family.On the other hand, I watched people tell bad jokes to each other, chatter endlessly and eat all the food that had been put in the kitchen for family.I learned what to do and what not to do when a friend suffers a loss of a loved one.

(47)
Alyssa,
May 12, 2014 3:48 AM

A few more tips

In addition we often marginalize the spouse of the mourner. Don't forget they also had a relationship and closeness to the deceased and they have additional burdens described above- child care shopping etc. Check in to ask how they are feeling about it all and make offers of help to that person as well. Treat reluctance with a personal plea: it would mean a lot for me to help you with---
Remember if children are present. Our almost 9 year old became distressed after some tactless questions about how my father passed away. Just because they are silent doesn't mean they aren't listening. It is a home and they can't simply be dismissed.
Refrain from commenting that one's shiva hours are "hard." Believe me they are hard for me. To have a few hours to nap undisturbed. To tend to children home from school and give them attention, to ensure adult talking doesn't go late into the night when they need to sleep. Not to make things "hard" on you. If you cannot come...call, send a note but do not tell me times I have set are hard for you.
I know shiva chairs have had an upgrade since some have last been sitting shiva but discussion about a chair's comfort is unacceptable. Despite padding, the chair and the grief it symbolizes...are not anything we wish for.

(46)
Anonymous,
July 3, 2013 3:09 PM

Keep shiva visits short

Such a necessary and well-written article. People simply need information about how to behave at a shiva call. After sitting shiva for my mother, I became a devotee of the 20 minute-shiva call. People who overstay are a real drain on the mourners, and a half-hour is the upper limit. Best to aim for 20 minutes.

(45)
Anonymous,
July 3, 2013 6:47 AM

Shiva ettiquette

Having just come out of shiva for my mother, I wish everyone would internalize these great tips. I don't care where you are from, visiting or calling a mourner at 11:00 PM is NOT OK.

(44)
Anonymous,
January 20, 2013 5:48 PM

What not to say during shiva

I was a caretaker for an elderly woman. During the shiva, the teenage granddaughter made some hurtful comments about my singleness. Just a gentle remind to everybody,

(43)
Anonymous,
January 19, 2013 8:29 PM

Funeral in Canada, Shloshim in Israel.

My faher passed away less than three weeks ago and am wondering what will be appropriate to do at Shloshim now that I have returned home and my father remains in Cananda.

(42)
Roberta,
February 12, 2012 7:31 PM

So useful

This is so useful. There is a misconception that we "know" how to act at times like thsi when clearly we are unprepared and as such not as helpful as we might want to be. Thank you for giving concrete ideas that we will all need.

(41)
Anonymous,
February 8, 2012 1:59 AM

shiva manners

WHAT AN INSPIRING AND INFORMATIVE MESSAGE.
I AM SURE THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO REALIZE HOW IMPROPER THEIR SHIVA VISITS HAVE BEEN, BUT NOW KNOW BETTER.

(40)
Anonymous,
February 5, 2012 5:24 PM

A time for reflection. Appreciate when others release you from prior obligations to take those 7 days to reflect. When others share the joys and sorrows and understand the good and the bad.

(39)
Anonymous,
December 26, 2011 3:59 PM

Rabbi--Thank you for writing such an informative article. I lost my mother on November 9th of this year and I am tired all the time. To everyone else who has experienced losses, I am so very sorry.

(38)
Anonymous,
November 7, 2011 6:27 PM

Learning after the fact

My mother passed a couple of weeks ago, and I am only beginning to learn Torah and many traditions. I'm trying to learn these things after the fact, and apply as much as I can at this point. Your articles are very helpful, and I can see how these traditions would have been very helpful from the beginning. I hope to find and get started with the Kaddish if I can find it and do as much of this as possible. I am wondering if it is appropriate to dance at Shabbat services in the near future, or is it best to refrain for 30 days? 12 mos.? I certainly have not felt like dancing, but in the future I am wondering if the joy of Shabbat should trump one's grief?
Shalom and Thanks,
Anonymous

(37)
Ian McIntyre,
June 27, 2011 6:22 PM

Very helpful...I like the idea about the mitzvah in the deceased's memory, and the suggestions about visitation.

I am not a Jew, but I found some words of wisdom here that certainly apply to all of us walking about this planet. Services for a close friend of mines mom are tomorrow and, in looking for info on shiva, I found your site. I appreciate your helpful thoughts.

(36)
lisa,
March 31, 2011 4:07 AM

Less is more

The main ingrediant in all this is don't linger......leave!! Ten minutes is perfect.....and the good friends...you know who you are.....stay a bit longer &/or just come by again tomorrow! Also don't bring cake....how about a "healthy" snack....and don't ask...just bring!! It will be appreciated.

(35)
Tessa,
March 12, 2010 8:41 AM

How does a convert grieve for a parent

As a convert what will happen when my family pass on, will I sit shiva and have the support? This is one area that does scare me

(34)
Anonymous,
March 10, 2010 8:29 PM

tape recorder

I was at a shiva where they had a tape recorder (mp3 player) to record stories people told them about the deceased they never heard before.

(33)
Bar Code,
March 8, 2010 8:49 AM

Extraordinary

Wow! such simple and practicle info. A friend of mine is sitting shiva for his father z"l my plan is to visit him this afernoon. After reading this aricle boy oh boy is it going to be different. Thank you so much.
(P.S. Dont leave your child in the bathtub as not to rush your shiva call :)

(32)
Susan N. Schmidt,
August 5, 2009 6:02 AM

Wonderful information

I lost my precious mother ( 92 years Old ) in February of 2009. I wished I would have seen all these different ways to know better about mourning her loss and Honoring her memory. This is such wonderful information.

(31)
Sheyne bat Shmuel v Leah,
November 23, 2008 3:04 AM

Wish I had read this two years ago

I wish I had read this two years ago, when my mom died. I'd have shown it to my husband. As it was, he did nothing. The few people I asked him to call, they didn't come, because he didn't bother to explain what "shiva" meant, and what I needed. Then he scolded me because he didn't like the way I needed to grieve. We separated less than two months later. Would the marriage have ended anyway? Possibly. But his lack of sensitivity at such a crucial time served to highlight for me just what an insensitive and judgmental person he really is. Being permitted to grieve is so essential! Nor do we get some other opportunity to do it over. I was left feeling cheated.

(30)
Surah,
March 10, 2007 10:44 PM

Lessons Needed and Appreciated

Thank you so much for telling it like it needs to be told, concisely and precisely. I am still in aveilus for my tsadekeste Mother, A"H" and I have finally given myself more lattitude to be less than perfect, with the "excuse" that I am, after all, in mourning , and should be given some room to err at this time. But actually, I belive my Mom , A"H", is still giving to me, even after her death, as things I would never have understood before are now so clear. We all end up the same way, some younger, some older, some in a natural way, some in an accidental unexpected way. We all will be in the next world one day. So, we need to respect and treat each other well now and here, including during this very vulnerable time of shiva. The most important thing to remember is that the person sitting shiva has just had the greatest loss they can or ever will have, the loss of a close family member. One can lose a piece of jewelry, money, and even time, but it does not even remotely match the loss of a human being who was integral to the person sitting shiva. So being casual and acting like everone goes through it so it's no big deal is the opposite of providing comfort. Comfort means you understand how devastated the mourner is at their loss, expected or not. It doesn't matter if their tears flow or they sit stony faced or even if they crack a few smiles, they do feel deprived of the person who was their valued companion, parent, sibling , or child. It is a real loss and being flippant has no place. Thanks again for the wonderful lessons, and may you know they brought comfort to many mourners becasue they showed true concern and caring. Though the experience is not unique, it is very unique to the person going through it.

(29)
Leah Isham,
April 28, 2006 12:00 AM

Blessing

May the name of Sheina Rishah bas Noach Leib be for a blessing.

Wonderful article.
Thank you

(28)
Lee Raubvogel,
March 28, 2006 12:00 AM

Comforting those you don't know.....

Six and a half years ago, my father was a victim of vehicular homicide. We only sat shiva for a few days, since Rosh Hashanah was only a few days away- my father died on 26 Elul. Despite the short shiva, many people came to visit, bring food, help with the minyan, etc. I still wish that the shiva had been longer, which may sound weird. (Many people did not find out about my father passing away until after our abbreviated shiva, and I wanted more comfort, after all.) There is one thing that sticks out in my mind...Many people came who were friends with someone else in my family- my mother, brother, or sister- who did not seek me out. They poured consolation and attention on my other family members, and either looked through me, or did not acknowledge me at all. The lesson to be learned is this....Seek out other mourners in a house of shiva, beside the one/s you know. There could be a sibling of the deceased who came from out of town, or a child of the deceased, that you don't know. (An aunt and uncle, siblings of my brother, were with us during shiva.) They came to sit shiva too, and are seeking the same attention that you are giving to other members of the family. It hurts to be ignored in your time of need. I know. Please seek out all the mourners. Even if you don't know what to say, it opens the door for them to express themselves, and feel like they are not just a lump of clay on a low chair. Thank you!

(27)
Anonymous,
March 27, 2006 12:00 AM

This article came at a perfect time.

As someone who got up from shiva this morning, I was moved by Rabbi Markman's timely article. Lesson 12 was especially meaningful and welcome. Even though I enjoy my job, and many coworkers visited, I am hesitant about returning to work tomorrow. Thank you for helping me realize that the healing process takes time.
May we all know only simcha.
Kosher and freilichen Pesach.

(26)
Joseph Toubes,
March 26, 2006 12:00 AM

When my father , then my mother died, no one helped me through it. For dad it has been 15 years and mom 5, but there are times it seems only a moment ago.

Of course I had my family and did Shiva, but then my brother left right after the funeral for home on both times, and my wife had her issues with her mother and our daughter in her own world.

Shiva is a private thing, I do say Kaddish when I have to and when I have the need to do. I suppose when I die no one will say Kaddish for me and that is fine. G-D and me will have a nice visit and talk about things.

However, the article, was excellent, please keep them coming

Joseph Toubes

(25)
Anonymous,
March 25, 2006 12:00 AM

wisdom of shiva visit; response to another writer

Anonymous II responds to Anonymous I: This certainly reflects an outpouring of raw emotion regarding the sensitive subject of Shiva. It's a stream of bitterness and anger which demonstrates the emotionalism of the subject surrounding Shiva. And we should excuse his spelling and grammatical errors in this case, and consider it an honest outpouring of feeling.
1. Regarding someone who brings a platter of sweet cookies and salty deli meats to someone who has diabetes, say "Thank you for the thought; I can't eat them, because of diabetes, but I hope my guests will enjoy them."
2. Listen to whatever has pained the mourner, even and especially if it is about abuse by the deceased or other close relative. Listen and don't judge. To label a complaint as Lashon Hara is judgmental, insensitive, repressive and insufferable. I experienced a rabbi and the rabbi's wife do this to me. I perceived them both only as self-righteous control freaks. Give a person a chance to express himself/herself, even if the subject is painful. Give the mourner a chance to express his true feelings about the deceased.
3. To the Shiva visitor, let go of that foolish phrase 'Hamakom Yinakhem'. It's a cliche phrase by now, and should be replaced by something more personal and thoughtful.
4. I agree that one shouldn't hijack the mourner with his own Shiva and his own stories. So please check them at the door before you walk into the mourner's Shiva room. It's not the time and place to unload one's own problems on the Shiva mourner.

(24)
Anonymous Sephardi,
March 23, 2006 12:00 AM

Sephardim serve food so blessings can be made

In Sephardic homes, food is purposely put out to give the visitors an opportunity to make a blessing in the memory of the person who has died, to "raise" his soul higher.

(23)
Matt Tropp,
March 21, 2006 12:00 AM

Your insights about shiva were so targeted and well-written -- yasher koach. May it contribute to your wife's catharsis. With admiration, Matt Tropp

(22)
YEHUDA,
March 21, 2006 12:00 AM

Some of the lessons listed are not always the answer. They are perhaps applicable to the story, but have to be changed at times according to the circumstances prior to the death and/or the mourner. In some cases, the passing doesn't come as any surprise, in which event the emotional mourning period didn't extend much beyond the shiva. In fact, when my wife received the call that her father had passed away, her initial storm of tears lasted about 20 seconds. And other than a few more tears at the funeral, that was it. She had visited him about a year earlier, and his condition was such that she even regretted the visit. She is sure that his mind was in such a state, he didn't even recognize her. Making more visits wouldn't have made any difference.

(21)
Anonymous,
March 21, 2006 12:00 AM

very appropriate and helpful

leaving out a pretty book in which the visitors write memories can provide a great comfort later on

(20)
steven of Beachwood,
March 21, 2006 12:00 AM

Shiva is not like an Irish wake....

I have been to some houses where you could forget it is a house of mourning with the talk being only about the food and who gave what... It is important to remember the love one who is morn...and to help those who remain... (maybe it should be more like a Irish wake with people remembering the dead)

(19)
Sheryl Meyer,
March 20, 2006 12:00 AM

and..........

someone to answer the phone calls.

(18)
Amy Mager,
March 20, 2006 12:00 AM

concrete ways to support a mourniner

make sure someone is making meals or delivering them to the family - it's helpful to have someone coordinate so they are not eating lasagna every night or being offered foods they are allergic too. Help is great, but when it's help and not making more work for hte mourners.

(17)
Anonymous,
March 20, 2006 12:00 AM

While sitting shiva for my mother, I heard countless wonderful stories about her life: many of which I have forgotten. I have noticed that some shiva homes have a spiral notebook or two for visitors to leave their memories of the deceased. Even stories told at the shiva house can be recorded.

(16)
Esther,
March 20, 2006 12:00 AM

Ten minutes is not too short

I agree with most of it, but the people who parked themselves for an hour, while I entertained was very difficult. If you have something nice to say about the deceased, that is most comforting

(15)
carol glaser,
March 20, 2006 12:00 AM

When you don't know what to say---

When you don't know what words to say a hug and "I love you" are very comforting. Especially if the loss is tragic/unexpected.

(14)
Avrohom Lukacs,
March 20, 2006 12:00 AM

I understand

I can understand what you have gone thru. I lost BOTH of my parents within two weeks of each other and for me, I had NO more family, but, for you, put out notes asking people to write a story about your mother in law, go thru pictures and always remember her in simchas and get togethers.

(13)
Jerry Farris,
March 20, 2006 12:00 AM

what not to say

Please, when visiting or attending the shiva service, do not ask the mourner, "How are you?" or "How are you holding up?" They are in mouring. They are NOT okay.

One should wait for the mourner to speak first, it is like getting "permission" to speak. But once again, even if they ask how you are doing, do not recipricate with the same question.

(12)
Tova Saul,
March 20, 2006 12:00 AM

Thank you

Very thoughtful and useful.

(11)
Debbie,
March 19, 2006 12:00 AM

helpful advice

A few of my friends have unfortunately had to sit shiva over the past few months...I asked them what was the one thing that was helpful that people don't realize.....the answer was... when people brought over meals it was appreciated...but when they actually stayed to serve and clean up afterwards, it was a truly what they needed most. There is nothing like cleaning up after people when you are a mourner.

(10)
Dorothy Bienen,
March 19, 2006 12:00 AM

A very well written article. One I printed and will keep to review!

Thank you for information I can use and needed to know more about. I will need it someday and it was very well written and informative! Thank you, Rabbi.

(9)
Harriet Harris,
March 19, 2006 12:00 AM

This item is far-reaching

I came across the 15 Lessons from Shiva, coincidentally, just after reading an entry from a non-Jewish friend's online journal. She has just lost her husband under tragic circumstances, and I'm happy that she has a place to vent. But she has received some insensitive comments from people who just don't know any better. I think I can derive some reasonable guidelines for some of my friends. I will, of course, give you credit.

(8)
Anonymous,
March 19, 2006 12:00 AM

Thank you notes

I found that I couldn't write the thank you notes after the deaths of my daughter and later my son. I don't think I could do that today, 22 and 4 years after their deaths.

(7)
Rebecca Feldbaum,
March 19, 2006 12:00 AM

Just for your information, I wrote a book that was published by Feldheim publishers in 2002 entitled, "If There's Anything I Can Do..." I deal with the subject of shiva and mourning (pages 41 - 55). I have received many positive responces from people who have read what I have written. Also, it is a topic I am often asked to talk about when I speak out of town. It is so important to bring up this important subject as people can be so clueless on what to do and say at a shiva house. I have found that most people sincerely want to learn what is the correct way to help/respond to a mourner.

(6)
laurie,
March 19, 2006 12:00 AM

Thought these were all insightful.

(5)
Natalie J,
March 19, 2006 12:00 AM

What a wonderful synopsis of that first terrible week! I went through it recently and I felt myself nodding as I read your article. It should be printed out and given to all shiva houses! May your mother-in-law have great nachas in Shamayim from seeing what you have done.
Natalie J

(4)
Annette,
March 19, 2006 12:00 AM

One more piece of Advice

One thing that Rabbi Markman forgot to mention in his listed advice is that the purpose of Shiva is not about a social visit or meeting with & speaking to people you haven't seen in 25 years. In fact, bu all rights, YOU shouldn't even initiate the conversation, the person sitting shiva is the one who should first speak with you. If somene tries to talk with you, simply tell the person in a very nice way, that you will speak with them later outside of the house. That is, unless the Oveil (mourner) wants to be part of the conversation. But if it's just between you & the other person to catch up, then take it up later, outside.

(3)
Anonymous,
March 19, 2006 12:00 AM

Things that did not work for me.

1. Don't bring a generic platter of sweet cookies saltly deli meats etc. These are murder on a diabetic. Ask what is acceptable from a close relative!
2. Show sensetivity! never talk the mourner down. If you can not handle listening to the difficult details of the mourners tribulations with the niftar; excuse yourself! No one likes a thought Nazi sensoring his/her personal sentiments about how abusive the parent was during his/her life. Its vulgar!!!
3.Listen more than talk. One senseless person threw a loud 'Hamokom Yinachem at me' on his way thru the shul where I sat shiva. Nichum Avelim is not a monolog or a slogun! Its attentive caring. If you haven't the time to do it right, When do you have the time to do it over?
4.Never pass wind at someone elses shiva. Should be self evident, but its not. See Declaration of Independence.
5. Never Hijack a mourner by dumping on him/her what your shiva was like. Your there to be a source of support not to sink the mourner down further with your dour stories or attitudes.
6. Nichum Avalim is best left for the mature seasoned friend/relative. If your not up to the task stay home. As the first rule in nursing goes'DO NO HARM'.

(2)
Susan Gellman,
March 19, 2006 12:00 AM

This was an excellent article

I lost my mother two months ago. A frequent response to loss is guilt over what could have been done, or done better, to save the loved one, no matter how old. My mother was ninety.

(1)
Arwen Kuttner,
March 19, 2006 12:00 AM

Good For You

Your writing this article brings additional respect to your wife's loss and to her mother's neshama.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...