Often Irreverent, Mostly Rational Blog for Fans of the Toronto Blue Jays. One Day, We'll Be Perfect.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

10 Reasons Gordie Dougie is More Canadian Than Canada Itself

On the occasion of his glorious summoning to the Blue Jays, we offer a brief rundown of all the many ways that Gordie Dougie is the most Canadian of all Canadians, and thereby the greatest baseball player of all time.

1. Doesn't use pine tar. Applies maple syrup to his bat.

2. He maintains a Tim Horton's double-double level of 0.13 in his blood stream at all times.

3. When he was young, his mother sent a letter to Monsieur Eaton, asking him to send a Blue Jays sweater for young Brett. But Monsieur Eaton sent a jersey with the abominable "NY" of the Yankees instead. Brett was ostracized by his friends, who all wore Blue Jays sweaters with number 9 on the back. They were 9 John Oleruds playing against 9 other John Oleruds. When Brett broke his bat because he was not allowed to play in his Yankees sweater, the "curée" told him to go home and pray to God because of what he had done. And when he went home, young Brett prayed for a thousand moths to come eat his Yankees sweater.

4. When he hits a home run, he calls it "going top shelf".

5. Has tattoos of Tommy Douglas on one arm, Peter Gzowski on the other.

6. Thinks Margaret Atwood gets unfairly overlooked by the Giller Prize, and wonders why there was so little fuss about The Year of the Flood.

7. After every take out slide, pops up and apologizes to the middle infielder.

8. Still refers to the tractor that drags the infield before games as "the Zamboni".

9. Knows all the lyrics to the theme song from "The Littlest Hobo".

10. Rather than consulting with team doctors, he makes appointments to see a specialist in Canada and waits for several months to get in to see them.

I watched a few episodes of the Littlest Hobo recently. My main observations were:

1. Hobo understands the English language completely. He even possesses second order reasoning that allows him to parse sarcasm and subtle threats.

2. Hobo generally prefers indirect solutions that are often almost Goldbergian in complexity.

3. Hobo rarely, or at least I have not observed it, demonstrates outright physical aggression against his antagonists -- despite the fact that, as a German Shepherd, it should be one of his main strengths.

Wayne Dougie is the greatest baseball player ever! He almost met the polka-roo but missed him by just a second. (which was kind of wierd because as soon as Lawrie came around the balck guy that had been missing showed up about the same time!