Book Excerpt: 'You Must Be This Tall to Exit the Park'

By Flavorwire Staff

Dec. 26, 2019

Share:

This time last year, we were telling you all about the exploits of former social media manager Jason Ginsburg, who turned his successful @FakeThemePark Twitter account into a book. Well, now there's a sequel, and we're here to share a bit of that one with you too.

You Must Be This Tall to Exit the Park (out now), like its predecessor and the Twitter feed that inspired it, concerns “a fictional, unnamed park that combines all the best — and all the very worst — of Disneyland, Universal Studios, SeaWorld, and Six Flags,” according to Ginsburg, who spent nearly a decade doing research at Universal Studios Hollywood, where he served as a VIP tour guide, show host, PA announcer, and character performer. Combining material from social media with new bits and bonuses, You Must Be This Tallis available in Kindle and paperback formats. We're pleased to present this excerpt.

FROM "YOU MUST BE THIS TALL TO EXIT THE PARK":

Apology Letter to an Upset Guest: We’re Sorry It’s Your Fault

Dear [redacted, but probably someone you know],

Thank you for visiting the park this past week. We know you and your family came a long way from wherever. We’d like to address all your experiences during your visit.

First, our apologies for the confusion at the Ticket Booth. When you presented your Pepsi can for a discount, our Cast Member should have scanned the code for $10 off general admission, instead of trying to drink it, saying “What, none left for me?,” crushing the can on his head, and throwing it at your cousin. Please note that the offending Cast Member has been moved to management.

While the safety warnings at Dragon Dive state that “You will get wet,” you should not have been completely thrown from the ride vehicle and submerged in ice-cold, high-salinity water for either six seconds (our estimate) or 85 seconds (yours). We’re sorry that your safety restraint was not properly fastened, which the Ride Operator would have noticed had she not been hosting a live Snapchat event to promote her line of Native American-inspired bracelets. As a refund, we’ve included one of the bracelets.

We’re happy to inform you that the raccoon who, as Security put it, “got all up in your business,” has been removed from the park. However, it will likely return. And it will remember.

All volunteers for Jimmy Jaguar’s Jubilee Jig are asked to dance with Jimmy as part of the show. We’re not certain why Jimmy chose to dance with you for the entire performance and 20 minutes after, or why he played “Sometimes When We Touch” on a loop. The Jimmy Jaguar character performer will be asked to review park policies, but this will be largely symbolic as he can barely read.

We’re sorry Princess Snowflake made you feel inferior and will ask her to tone down her superiority. After your unfortunate experience, a sign will be placed by the southern tables outside Burger Barn that clearly says “Caution: Wasps.” The ghost you encountered in the Haunted Manor was apparently not a Cast Member in costume but an actual malevolent spirit, either a demon from Gehenna or the ghost of a deranged murderer from the 19th century. We apologize for the massive terror that threatened to shatter your reality and drive you hopelessly insane.

Again, our deepest apologies. Though your day sounds disappointing in the aggregate, we’d like to note that you rode Chaos Coaster without incident, due to its malfunctioning speed of 3 miles per hour. You also mentioned that you enjoyed Avalanche Adventure, though you bumped your head during the final drop and lost all memory of the ride. You also claimed to enjoy the cotton candy you consumed during your visit, though that may change when the CDC report is released.

Thank you for visiting the happiest park in the world. We will welcome you warmly on your return (see below for blackout dates; warm welcome is not guaranteed).

Sincerely,

Guest Relations

Excerpted from "You Must Be This Tall to Exit The Park" by Jason Ginsburg, out now from lulu.com. Used by permission.