Politics

WASHINGTON—In an effort to assist victims still struggling from the devastating effects of Hurricane Maria, the Trump administration announced Monday that it was sending 30 million nothing to Puerto Rico.

BEAVER DAM, WI—In an effort to justify the recent set of executive orders the president signed earlier this week to dismantle the Affordable Care Act, exhausted Trump supporter Phil Holt reportedly just decided Friday that massive cuts to healthcare subsidies were the reason he voted as he did.

WASHINGTON—Springing into action the moment their SCOTUS wristwatch transponders signaled the alert, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered in their top-secret subterranean chambers Friday to receive their latest directive from the giant holographic head of former Chief Justice John Marshall.

WASHINGTON—Saying the measure would radically curtail access to the procedure except under the most urgent conditions, House Republicans on Wednesday introduced legislation that would sharply limit abortions to those necessary to save a promising political career.

WASHINGTON—Deflecting questions in the aftermath of the mass shooting in Las Vegas that killed 59 people and injured over 500 more, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters Tuesday that this is not the geologic era in which to debate gun control.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Feeling vulnerable in the wake of yesterday’s mass shooting in Las Vegas, local man Greg Farley was reportedly worried Tuesday that any crazy person could get their hands on a congressional seat.

WASHINGTON—Saying it was time for people to pick up their phones and let themselves be heard, liberal activist Adam Kramer encouraged citizens Friday to call their late-night hosts and urge them to oppose the new GOP tax plan.

CORAL GABLES, FL—In an attempt to tell the story of his failed candidacy in his own words, former Florida governor Jeb Bush has rented out a local black box theater and debuted a one-man show that chronicles the tragedy of his 2016 presidential campaign, sources reported Thursday.

Bernie Sanders recently introduced a single payer healthcare plan, also known as medicare-for-all, that would guarantee coverage to all Americans under one government-run plan. Here are the arguments for and against implementing a single-payer healthcare plan.

WASHINGTON—A crazed grin spreading across his face as his eyes darted wildly from one paramedic to another, sources said Tuesday that a babbling Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell demanded that the EMTs loading him onto a stretcher outside the Capitol vote ‘Yes’ on the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill.

ANN ARBOR, MI—Groaning upon spotting the image on his Facebook newsfeed, local man Peter Grant was reluctantly forced to agree with an absolutely moronic political cartoon Tuesday in which the Statue of Liberty was depicted hugging several immigrants.

WASHINGTON—Saying it was the first step in gaining the confidence and stability he would need to reintegrate back into society, residents and staff on Thursday welcomed former White House strategist Sebastian Gorka to New Beginnings, a halfway house for fired Trump administration members.

WASHINGTON—Increasingly optimistic that the callousness they required would be locked down by the September 30 deadline, GOP leaders were confident Wednesday that they will have the cruelty necessary to pass their new healthcare bill.

WASHINGTON—Saying she only had two years left to find a “real career,” White House Communications Director Hope Hicks was reportedly praying Friday that she wouldn’t be in the same shitty job by the time she hit 30.

WASHINGTON—Saying he needed a break from constantly watching over the commander-in-chief to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble, visibly exhausted Chief of Staff John Kelly reportedly sat President Trump down in front of a White House television Friday and put on a ‘Tucker Carlson’ episode in order to get a quick hour to himself.

AUSTIN, TX—Predicting a long, hard road ahead before the discourse was in anything approaching satisfactory condition, Texas governor Greg Abbott warned Thursday that it could be decades before the state was fully ready to talk about climate change.

‘Who Am I? What Am I?’ Asks Shocked Twitter Bot

MOSCOW—Stunned by the realization that it never really knew who or what it was, Twitter bot Eagle_Warrior_1776 was reportedly horrified to discover Wednesday that its entire life was a sham created by Russians to tilt the 2016 presidential election.

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

NEW YORK—Every recounting including more devastation than the last, sources reported Monday that former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani has added more planes and towers with each subsequent retelling of the events of 9/11.

President Creates Cabinet-Level Position To Coordinate Scandals

WASHINGTON, DCIn his State of the Union address to the nation last night, President Bush announced a new cabinet-level position to coordinate all current and future scandals facing his party.

President Bush announces his plan to manage the numerous scandals of his administration.

"Tonight, by executive order, I am creating a permanent department with a vital mission: to ensure that the political scandals, underhanded dealings, and outright criminal activities of this administration are handled in a professional and orderly fashion," Bush said.

The centerpiece of Bush's plan is the Department Of Corruption, Bribery, And Incompetence, which will centralize duties now dispersed throughout the entire D.C.-area political establishment.

The Scandal Secretary will log all wiretaps and complaints of prisoner abuse, coordinate paid-propaganda efforts, eliminate redundant payoffs and bribes, oversee the appointment of unqualified political donors to head watchdog agencies, control all leaks and other high-level security breaches, and oversee the disappearance of Iraq reconstruction funds. He will also be responsible for issuing all official denials that laws have been broken.

"Many of the current scandals in Washington are crucial to the success of my priorities for the nation," Bush said. "The Department of Corruption will safeguard these important misdeeds."

White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card characterized the president's announcement as part of a larger effort to usher in a "new era of scandal management."

"The entire DCBI budget will come from private donors and investors, through an illegal slush fund," he said. "The money we'll save by eliminating redundancies and reducing scandal-related overhead will come back to citizens tenfold in the form of offshore corporate tax savings."

The Scandal Secretary will choose the elected official or business leader who will assume full responsibility for each scandal once it reaches fruition. His department will pen all tearful apologies and plea agreements and make all necessary arrangements for the designated scapegoat's transition to a think tank, consultancy, law-partner position, or, if unavoidable, cursory stint in a minimum-security prison. Scapegoats who cannot be placed will be given oversight positions within the Department of Corruption itself.

Candidates for Scandal Secretary, from left: Jack Abramoff, the Republican lobbyist at the center of a public corruption scandal; Scooter Libby, former vice presidential chief of staff indicted on five counts; Tom DeLay, former House majority leader charged with conspiracy to violate election laws; and Michael Brown, who resigned from FEMA over his criticized handling of Hurricane Katrina.

Congressional supporters of the post expressed hope that the new secretary will bring a sense of order and accountability to what has so far been a fragmented, inconsistent set of controversies.

"Every week, it feels like another new scandal breaks," said F. Tyler Jones, a convicted felon and Texas oil executive who has been cited as a leading candidate for a position within the new department. "Washington needs to run a tighter ship and get all this corruption in order. It should feel less like a weekly thing and more like once a month."

"Quality's been going down, too," Jones said. "You can't just slap 'gate' on the end of something and call it a scandal. We need higher standards in this countrywe used to lead the world, you know."

Many conservatives have criticized Bush's proposal, saying that it only creates more big government.

"Teapot Dome and the fraud scandals of the Grant Administration proceeded splendidly without government oversight," National Review columnist Jonah Goldberg said. "Officials received kickbacks and granted favors without any knowledge beyond their circle until after the fact. They knew what they were doing and didn't need any oversight. We need to return to the days when unfettered capitalism and enlightened self-interest led the way."

Bush defenders, however, said today's corruption scandals are far too complex to be allowed to take an unregulated course.

"We can't afford to have the American people lose faith in the government's ability to spearhead an effective scandal," TV commentator Sean Hannity said. "The sheer number of major scandals has gone way up in the past few yearsbut the level of scandal coordination has remained at Clinton-era levels. The system is obsolete. Plain and simple. I for one applaud Bush for bringing corruption management into the 21st century."

WASHINGTON—Saying it was time for people to pick up their phones and let themselves be heard, liberal activist Adam Kramer encouraged citizens Friday to call their late-night hosts and urge them to oppose the new GOP tax plan.

CORAL GABLES, FL—In an attempt to tell the story of his failed candidacy in his own words, former Florida governor Jeb Bush has rented out a local black box theater and debuted a one-man show that chronicles the tragedy of his 2016 presidential campaign, sources reported Thursday.