Confessions of a modern-day renaissance woman

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It’s still spring and I am full of good intentions – to get outside more, to garden more, to exercise more and top of my list this year? To make better, healthier food choices. But most of my good intentions tend to take me down paths I wish I never traveled…

On a good day, I’m pretty obsessive. On a bad day, I’m an obsessive compulsive! Over the long weekend, the family and I decided to try out a new grocery store that opened up quite a distance away – see, I’m a closet foodie wannabe and was ecstatic about getting my hands on more Lebanese goodies. I went from counter to counter: deli, meats, prepared foods and my favourite, NUTS.

In an attempt to make better, healthier food choices, I have decided to cut down on the amount of processed foods I consume – save except for diet coke and Splenda in my lattes. I have also decided to not eat chips – potato chips only as I could not do without my pita chips or Tostitos (besides they’re not as high fat!) So, naturally, I would buy a bag of yummy peanuts. Much healthier than chips and packed with protein! Hooray!

That was how it all started…

Once again I had been running around all morning and hadn’t had a proper meal. So when my three year old went down for his nap, I put on a previously taped episode of Bold and the Beautiful and tucked in. Half a bag of peanuts and some ketchup chips later (sue me, it was long weekend), I found I had horrible cramping and spasms and my stomach had ballooned out to at least double in size…I looked four (ok, maybe five) months pregnant! And very, very sad. When I googled, “stomach pain after eating too many peanuts” I got: aerophagia. A condition when you eat something too fast and swallow air. So what? Now I was full of peanuts, ketchup chips and air???

It’s about two hours later and I’ve turned every shade of green. Before I know it, I’m hugging porcelain and my boys are wondering how come I haven’t started reading them a bedtime story. And all I could think of was: Who’s going to hold my hair???

Days gone by I remember some wild nights with my BFFs: the one who would always get lucky and have a swarm of guys surrounding her like satellites, the one who would always play mother hen and do the driving, the one who would always wind up on stage dancing, and the one who would need her hair held back while she blew chunks and cursed the gods for once again, allowing her to cross the line. Ahhhh…the good days. I won’t say which one I was because truth be told, I’ve been them all!

In any case, after about 20 or so minutes, the entire episode behind me, I still managed to get in a goodnight story x 2 and feeling somewhat unsteady, made my way to bed. And as I lie down I ponder three things: (1) I hope the image of the weird looking excrement (I’ll spare you the graphic details) will be forgotten soon (2) after an excruciating 20 minutes with the porcelain my stomach is still “out” and (3) how soon can I have peanuts again? I mean, it feels like the punishment doesn’t fit the crime! At the very least, after all that, I should have been rewarded with some washboard abs!

After tossing and turning all night long, I wake up to some pretty serious pelvic pain…what could it possibly be? Not one more complication, please! I’ve dealt with two spring colds, one round of nasty antibiotics, a pulled QL (or some other combo of letters) muscle which I didn’t even know I had, and now something else??!! I try to massage the area and eeeeeww!!!! What IS THAT??!!! I have a lump that is so painful to the touch that I just might die! I show my husband and though he’s saying, “Oh, it’s probably nothing. Don’t worry about it…” I know he’s thinking, “Whoah! Uh…that’s f-in weird.” I’m lopsided.

How did an attempt to be more healthy turn into this? How did my good intentions lead me so far astray?

A trip to my chiropractor confirms, that it is not a tumour and I won’t die in the next 24 hours (thank God because I wasn’t sure if I had cleaned my closet and I didn’t have time to take a shower and put on my good underwear). It turns out that I have torn some ligament – that thanks to the repercussions of too many peanuts and ketchup chips, a fibre or something has ripped away from bone and is now totally irritated and swollen. So with no pills to take and no quick fix I ask her (literally with watery eyes): “Will I be lopsided forever???!!”

All I can think is how erratic I’ve been and how I’ve lacked any sense of being responsible. I would never have let either of my two sons chow down on half a bag of peanuts, let alone wash it down with ketchup chips. And in what universe would someone equate indulging in all those peanuts with a healthy choice??!!! I’ll tell you…sadly, in my universe – the one where half the time I can’t tell if I’m coming or going, I forget important playdates and deadlines, and have no time for just me.

But it’s all wrong. I need to buck up, wise up, and learn that what may have worked in my twenties, just wasn’t going to cut it anymore! That now I am a responsible woman, thank you very much, and that I can do this!! I can be a model citizen (lopsided or not) to my kids, my peers and my friends! In fact, I can be a model citizen for all the land!!

About a week has passed since this fiasco and I’m happy to report that I have healed. I am no longer lopsided and all other “battle scars” of the event, including a very bruised psyche, have disappeared. I actually did manage to have a couple of peanuts in a trail mix without even realizing it – I felt very good about that. I’ve also managed to do a better job of reminding myself of important dates and deadlines. I am definitely on the right path to becoming a better role model. And my BFFs – the ones, who would hold my hair, hop up on stage with me, mother hen me and chase away the nasty satellites – suggested we all start a 30 day squat and crunch challenge to get back on track…that will surely be the best remedy of all.