Friday, August 1, 2014

Sometimes when I am home by myself and there is nothing on the tube, boredom washes over me and I do what any other Big Brother fan would do. I reach into the back of my linen closet and carefully slide out the bucket I keep on hand for slow rainy days such as these. I then push all my furniture against the walls and carefully lay a tarp over my creamy colored carpet. Satisfied with the amount of space I've given myself to "work", I then disrobe and toss my garments as far away as I can. Now I am ready.

With excitement coursing through my veins and anticipation lighting up my eyes, I kneel down, remove the lid off the bucket, and stare into the inky crimson-ness. Blood. Deep dark thick metallic smelling blood. I should prolong what I'm about to do next, but I never was a patient person. With a giggle in my throat and eagerness pressing my lips tightly together, I plunge my hands into the bucket and swirl them around feeling the warm gummy viscous goodness in between my fingers. I then yank them out of the bucket, stand proudly and hold my arms up over my head. Blood on my hands. Blood on my hands! I look skyward as the goo slowly drips down my arms, my waist, my legs. Exhaling, I close my eyes and begin to sway to my own whispers, "Blood on my hands, blood on my hands, blood on my hands..." Let's recap, shall we?

Well well, it looks like the majority of the house is finally finding itself in a bit of a pickle (not to be confused with a pickle in a banana). With the CBS show abruptly ending before we got any definitive HOH winners, live feeders scrambled to their laptops and wondered to themselves why a tie breaker question wasn't ready and available. CBS faux pas aside, the feeds returned and revealed that Nicole and Donny are our new HOH's. *rubs bloody hands together* Oh goody! Not that I'm a fan of either, mind you. I'm just sick of the feeds sucking and the drama lacking. We need some bloody drama dammit! Where are my arguments? Where are my fights? Where are the insults flying?

OK, so the power has finally switched sides, but will Nicole and Donny take advantage of it or will they do something safe and boring and go after Valentina or Jocasta? The two meet in the Hive and are confident that together they can come up with a plan that will satisfy both of them. Donny mentions how he wants to bring Hayden into the decision making and Nicole couldn't be happier. Of course Nicole loves this idea. The notion of her having to make a decision all on her own is much too much for her to handle.

Nicole says that there was no way she could let Zach or Caleb win that HOH. Donny smiles and nods knowingly. He then says, "I hett ta say eet, but I wuz pulling fer Christine ta lose because I felt that she wuz gonna put me enn Jocasta up sahd bah sahd." Donny hints to Nicole that Christine might have to go on the block. Nicole doesn't say too much to that. Instead she stresses how there are only 9 people for them to pick from and oh my god it's so stressful. Oh my god, 4 out of 9 is like almost 50% and oh my god it's freaking out Nicole. (I hate this chick so much.) Nicole then tells Donny that they should pretend that they don't know one another's nominations.

The conversation continues with Nicole actually having the gall to comment on how some people are just sailing by in the game because they don't want to get blood on their hands. Like you, pumpkin? She says it pisses her off so much especially when people throw competitions when she's always out there fighting to win. You are a piece of work, Nicole. Wasn't it you who bitched and moaned the first time you won HOH and complained nonstop about not wanting to have to make a decision? Wasn't it you who said that you purposely didn't want to win?

Hearing all of this, Donny remarks that some people need to know what it feels like to be on the block. He again mentions Christine and says that he doesn't necessarily want her to go home, but that she might have to go up due to the shortage of possibilities.

The two part and we finally see a house beginning to panic. Off in one room, Jocasta is crying to Derrick over how she can't win a comp while in the Storage Room, Zach is grilling Nicole. Nicole repeats to Zach the whole 4 out of 9 people is almost 50% thing and how she has a reason to put him up. Zach asks, "But am I your target?" Nicole replies that he isn't and then promptly hems and haws in that annoying way of hers, "I don't know what I'm going to do yet."

Nicole then tells Zach that it's all been girls going up so far and "that's not going to work this time." Zach tells her that he knows 4 people she won't definitely put up and then Donny has 2 people he has to put up which leaves 3 people for Nicole to pick from. Zach then tells her, "Put me up." Nicole asks, "No hard feelings?" Zach replies, "No hard feelings at all."

But then the indecisive twit says, "I could put up Valencia and Jocasta." Zach says, "That's who you should put up. Then you'll definitely stay HOH." Nicole remarks (and lies) about how she and Donny probably won't be working together when it comes to the nominations this week. Zach agrees with her and tells her that they both want two entirely different people out of the house. Nicole asks him who Donny wants out and Zach tells her Caleb. Zach confesses that he has no idea who Nicole wants out. Again, he tells her to put him up because he deserves it and that he wants Nicole to get her 30 seconds of fame by getting back at him. (Ha!)

Zach may be pretending to calm and OK with all of this, but he's not. Inside, he's freaking out and that panic begins to show when he asks Nicole who she wants out. Nicole gets frustrated and doesn't want to tell him. Zach tells her how he was straight forward with her last week. Nicole says, "No you're weren't! You bull crapped me!" Your honor, I move that we have the term "bull crap" stricken from the English language.

Jumping ahead a little bit, we find Derrick approaching Nicole. He tells her, "You're not doing too good with your strategy of not winning HOH's. You're not doing the Dan Gheesling strategy no more." Nicole replies that she didn't feel safe this week with the people that were left in the comp. Frankie then interrupts the conversation and begins to talk about the sleeping situation. Nicole remarks that she is "ty-yerred" and wants to go to bed. Frankie says ok and leaves the room.

But then here comes Beast Mode Cowboy attacking a tub of ice cream. He tells Nicole that if he's going up, he wants to be told beforehand. Nicole replies, "I'm ty-yerred. I don't want to be bombarded." Bitch, it's 8pm and you're HOH! Get with the program! It is your job to be bombarded. She then moans and whines (She talks in a permanent whine. It drives me insane!) how she hasn't even talked to Donny yet and how Donny has had a bad day because he was woken up last night (over that whole Team America thing). Beast Mode slurps more of ice cream, "He had a bad day? That sucks."

Despite the ice cream being cold and frozen, it is to Caleb's liking. That's our cowboy! *jaunty jingle plays*

Eventually, Caleb leaves and finally - finally! - we hear something that makes my ears perk up. Nicole sits up and hints that "2 of those people" (Frankie and Caleb?) are possibilities for her to nominate. Derrick remarks, "You know he [Donny] isn't putting Jocasta up." Nicole then whines, "I haaaate this BOB craaaap." Derrick agrees and tells Nicole that people are going to expect her to put Jocasta up. Derrick says that she was out first in the comp. Nicole whines, "I don't waaant to put her uuuuuup." Nicole remarks again about how she just couldn't throw the comp because she heard that Caleb would put her up at any time and Zach has already nominated her so he might go after her again.

And then Nicole makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. She explains how now she's ready to make big moves. Now she's not as mad as she was before that she won HOH. Now she wants to play the game. (She's so awful!) Nicole tells Derrick that it's time that they solidify things with Hayden and Cody (an alliance?). Derrick brings up how Cody thinks that Frankie is playing them. Nicole nods and replies, "Do you see how he's everywhere?" And this is where things get interesting. Nicole asks Derrick if she were to backdoor Frankie, would he be on board with it? Ohhh I LOVE that! The conversation ends with Derrick warning Nicole not to under any circumstances share the Frankie plan with Christine. Nicole replies, "No. Never. I'm smarter than that." That remains to be seen. Just keep your trap shut.

Derrick then goes to check in with Donny to be sure that he won't nominate any member of Team America (fuck yeah). Donny assures him that he won't and that he doesn't think Frankie would've nominated either of them either. They then discuss the last Team America task. Donny tells Derrick what he said to Julie in the DR. Derrick tells Donny what he said only he lied and lied and lied. Instead of admitting to throwing Donny under the bus, he says that he said some mumbo jumbo about providing for his family. Donny tells him that he thinks America will respect them for not being greedy.

Donny doesn't definitively say who he's going after, but he says that he wants to keep Zach around to use him for the Team America tasks. Speaking of that, Zach deserves all the money they earned, not them!

Then, like Andy before him, Frankie enters and starts kissing Donny's ass. Frankie and Derrick want Donny to stay HOH so they advise him to put up weak players. Derrick recommends putting up Vivienne and Jocasta. He knows Donny is close to Jocasta, but she went out first. Donny says that he has 3 people in the house that have put him up - Nicole, Caleb, Cody - but that he really wants to win BOB.

More conversations with Donny continue. Cody and his new weekly paranoia (first it was Caleb, then it was Zach) suggests that Donny targets Frankie. Christine hints a little bit about Zach or Caleb. Speaking of Caleb, he spends his time with Donny outlining how he's a beast and a target and, at the end of the day, quite frankly he'll probably win everything. He blames that first week nomination on Devin and says that at the end of the day, Donny is going to do what he wants to do. But don't forget, this is Beast Mode Cowboy and Beast Mode Cowboy will not win every competition that crosses his path. There are other people in the house that don't deserve to be there, but Caleb DESERVES to be there. At the end of the day.

And then we get a rare scene where Violet is talking game is Donny. Donny tells her that he might have to put her up, but that she is 100% not his target. His plan may be to put her up alongside Caleb. Vanya replies, "Oh my gosh." He assures her that Caleb would go home 100%. Vivica would like to believe that, but the block... it's just so emotional. Donny explains that if he puts Caleb up with another "big guy", they might dethrone him and Nicole could put Velda up next to someone like Jocasta. If Valkyrie goes up next to a powerhouse, her chances of staying in the game greatly increase.

Finally, Nicole and Donny get their HOH rooms and are able to meet in private with the real HOH this week - Hayden. Donny tells them that he has talked with everyone and it's looking like he'll put up Caleb and Varinka. Nicole moans about not wanting to put up Jocasta, but having to. So, her nominations are likely to be Jocasta and Zach. Hayden gives those 4 choices his stamp of approval and says that that is what he would've done.

But not so fast! That doesn't mean that one of those 4 will go home. Hayden continues and says that Frankie is the root of all the problems in the house. He is the puppet master. Donny quickly reminds him that he can't say any of that to Christine. Hayden then relays a story he heard right before the live show. He heard Frankie and Christine talking about who they'd nominate if they won HOH. Both said Jocasta and Verushka. But when they discussed who they'd put up as a replacement nominee, they both said Donny.

He continues and tells them how Caleb is going after the "Outsiders" (Donny, Vanessa, Jocasta), but that Caleb rarely comes up with an idea on his own. Hayden says that Caleb gets all of his ideas from Frankie. Hearing this, Donny says how he was talking to Derrick earlier and they were throwing around a bunch of names. He noticed that Derrick never mentioned Caleb and Hayden says that it's because Derrick knows Caleb would never put him up. Hayden remarks, "That's the thing about Caleb. He's so easily controlled."

And here is where the topic of backdooring Frankie comes up again. Donny is worried that if Frankie goes up as a replacement nomination, he won't go home because he has so many friends. Hayden disagrees and says that he doesn't think Frankie has as many votes as Donny thinks he does. Hayden feels confident that he has the votes to get rid of Frankie. He says, "I feel like if it was Frankie and Caleb up there, Frankie would go home. Honestly." Hmm, I'm not sure about that. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of it and there is no one I'd rather get rid of more than Frankie, but I wonder if all the votes are really there.

What do you think? Can these chuckleheads pull off backdooring Frankie? Will Donny try to stop it because of Team America? Do you like your ice cream cold and frozen like Caleb does? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

It was supposed to be so simple. It was supposed to be a learning experience. Teach a woman a lesson and get her back (for the first time) into your hunky muscular tribal-tattooed waiting arms. But as we all know, "The best laid plans of rhinestone cowboys often go awry." Love, that tricky trickster, can't be planned. The line from point A to point B is rarely ever straight. Instead, it's more like a polygraph with peaks and valleys, zigs and zags, lies and manipulations. So while the world's rhinestones have collectively dimmed on this most solemn of days, let us remember something Ray Bradbury said, "But you can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them." I guess it takes some people longer than others to recognize the wreckage for what it is. Let's recap, shall we?

So it is the morning of the big POV Ceremony and the fit is about to hit the shan! Man Hands Caleb thinks Amber will be going up in Jocasta's place as a way to teach her a lesson. Actually, to teach her many lessons. Lessons like... 1) Say thank you when a bedazzled cattle wrangler risks $500,000 for you 2) Say yes to an offer of a date and mean it 3) Never ever ever thank others for blankets when the blankets came from only one lone star, not four. 4) And lastly, get your passport in order because you're going on a cruise, no questions asked.

All of these lessons were meant to make Amber see the error of her ways and run screaming from into this Romantic Cowboy's arms. In addition to the lessons, there were tests. Many many tests. Actually, there were no tests whatsoever, but the Detonbombtators wanted Caleb to believe there was a test. The alliance told Caleb that if Amber went up on the block and "blew up" the Bomb Squad (that everyone already knows about, mind you), then she is disloyal and needs to vamoose out of the house. But if she keeps her trap shut and becomes impregnated with a Cowbaby Reynolds, they'll go ahead and keep her.

And so, Caleb was confident. He was John Travolta struttin' confident. He unbuttoned his shirt, flashed his boxer briefs, put on his struttin' boots and got himself ready for Amber to come a' runnin'. And then the POV Ceremony happened...

Firstly, Hayden didn't take Jocasta off the block. He took Victoria off the block. This would have been quite the shock for Caleb only Hayden had the wherewithal to tell Caleb beforehand that he was taking Victoria down since Victoria picked him to play for her in the POV comp. Caleb understood, shined his belt buckle and continued to wait with open arms.

Secondly, Zach was supposed to give some sort of epic speech outlining all the ways that Amber has dissed Caleb. I'm a little confused as to why Zach would be talking at all. Hayden won the POV and Frankie is the actual HOH. Ah, who cares? I think it should be mandatory for Zach to give speeches whenever he lifts his head from his pillow. The speech was designed to make Amber feel bad, but apparently she just sat there with a stupid smile on her face and acted unfazed. Can she be even more boring?!

This brings us to the feeds turning back on. We all huddled around our laptops and flipped from camera to camera. Camera 1... Where's Caleb? Where's Amber? Camera 2... Is Frankie talking about his dead grandpa again? Camera 3... Is Zach working on a folllow-up speech? Is he doing his evil devil laugh? Camera 4... Oh, it's Derrick and Pussy (Cody). Ugh, ok. I guess they'll do.

So Derrick and Pussy are sitting in the Hive and Pussy is doing that thing he does best... embracing paranoia with all of his might. Remember how last week he was skerred over Caleb coming after him? Well now he's freaked out about his best good friend Zach. Never mind the fact the house is waiting for Caleb to explode. Never mind how Amber might be crying somewhere. Pussy is chattering his chompers over how one day, no one knows when, but one day Zach will come after him.

In additions to being scared of Zach, it really chaps Pussy's ass when Caleb struts all over the house claiming he's a beast when he's only won one competition. Caleb keeps telling everyone he's the number one target when, in all likeliness, Frankie, Hayden, and probably Veronica will beat him in a future comp.

Upstairs, Zach is very pleased with himself except for one tiny thing. He really wants everyone in the house to hate him, but they just won't. Drat! Frankie giggles and tells Zach that he now needs to chill for the rest of the week. He's done his part now go night-night.

Meanwhile, Caleb is pacing in the backyard and waiting. Just waiting. Amber comes out at one point to get her laundry and doesn't say a word. She immediately heads back inside to fold it. And fold it she does! Thin-lipped and with lots of huffs, she balls up her khakis, ties her t-shirts into knots and strings her bras together all in a neat pile. Grrrr Amber, grrr! Donny watches her and mumbles, "Aye know how yer fill." Amber snaps something back about being the only girl in the house (no you're not) and how she's used to betrayal. Wahhh wahhh.

After putting her clothes conveniently next to Valerie's make-up brushes (that Amber likes to steal make-up supplies), she clops into the Hive to have a word with Pussy about why she's on the block. Pussy, Sarah Bernhardt herself, shrugs his shoulders and claims innocence, "I'm just as confused as you are!" Amber whines that she doesn't understand why they didn't backdoor Zach. Derrick and Pussy tell her over and over again, "We're voting to keep you." (No they're not) They say that they have no idea what Frankie was thinking. Derrick then tells Amber that she has to get Caleb's vote.

Amber sighs and says, "I don't know if this is personal." Derrick replies, "Are you kidding me?! Didn't you listen to the speech? Of course it's personal!" Folks, this girl is an idiot. Amber then tells Derrick and Pussy that they need to go talk to Christine and Nicole for her. Why Amber, why? Why can't you do your own campaigning?

Amber then puts on an act to end all acts. She tells the boys that if this is all about Caleb and how she doesn't want a relationship with him, she has very specific reasons for not wanting a relationship with him. She insists she won't share her reasons with the boys, but then she basically shares her "reasons" with the boys. She gets up, the tears start and she says that she lost someone close to her and that's why she doesn't want another relationship. *Achoo "BULLSHIT!"* Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Amber doesn't want a relationship with Caleb because she doesn't like him like that. That's it! He's a douchey weirdo douchebag and she's not attracted to that. So don't give me this crap that some personal tragedy is keeping your love from Caleb. Look, if you want to play the sex game, play it! If you want to flirt, flirt! If you want to manipulate, I'm all over it! But don't go around the house claiming to be the innocent princess when all you are is a lousy player. Don't insult us like that.

Up in the HOH, Zach is busy pumping up Caleb. He high fives Beast Mode Cowboy and says how stunned he was when Hayden used the POV on Victoria (lie). Caleb explains how Hayden explained that to him beforehand and how it makes sense to him now, "At the end of the day, we control Valhalla's vote."

Caleb then comments how he kept his head covered during the POV ceremony. Zach exclaims, "Dude, that was money!" Caleb mumbles, "It was golden." Oh sure Amber could be confused and crying and all that jazz, but what Caleb is really hoping is that CBS airs everything that went down in the POV Ceremony. Me too, Caleb. Me too!

Pussy then enters the HOH and says that Amber was crying and can't figure out why Zach didn't go on the block instead of her. He recaps the Hive convo to them and when he's done, Zach cracks us all up by telling Caleb, "That plan you came up with, genius! That was fucking genius!" Haha!

Hold onto your reins cowgirls and cowboys because here comes what will turn out to be trouble...

Frankie then enters the HOH and without taking a breath says that they were all right in their assumption of Amber. She absolutely isn't trustworthy and has already been seen talking to Nicole. Caleb, my sweetness in his shiny new boat shoes, doesn't even exhale. The room is silent.

Dun, dun, DUN!

Frankie leaves as quickly as he entered. Caleb's only reply to all of this most unsettling news is, "You guys have to tell Amber, 'Why are you talking to everybody, but Caleb? He's the one you should be talking to.'"

Frankie magically reappears after talking with Vlad downstairs. Now he says, "Amber is already trying to start a new girl's alliance with Christine and Nicole." Zach asks, "Should I go down and blow it up?" Frankie cries, "No!" Zach says, "Well then put me in a cage and throw away the key!"

Yadda yadda yadda, Pussy bitches about Zach some more to Hayden. Yadda yadda yadda Hayden says if next week is a Double Eviction, he'll get rid of Zach over Caleb.

And this brings us to what we've all been waiting for - the big Caleb and Amber confrontation! He'll don his chaps, tell her what's what and then slam the saloon door in her face! Right? Right?!

Wellllll, not exactly.

Ok so Caleb is in the Hive reading the Good Book (Fifty Shades Of Grey) when Amber enters. She asks him if he has anything to say to her and he replies, "No! Do you have anything to say to me?" You see, Caleb doesn't like to speak first. Ever! In order to talk to Caleb, you have to contact his secretary and schedule a meeting. Amber ignores the protocol and continues wanting to know if it was Zach's plan for her to go on the block. Caleb slams Fifty shut and says that it was his plan! Amber replies, "So it was personal?"

Caleb then reaches back for Fifty and says, "I want to read you this verse, 'You're not just a pretty face. You've had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me." Amber scratches her head and wonders how he knew she's had six secret orgasms in the house. Finally she tells him to shut the damn book. Caleb sighs, adjusts his shorts, and tells Amber that she's on the block because she said she didn't trust anyone in the house. Amber insists she's been loyal to the Turdaflambé Squad. To which Caleb tells her that she was put up to test her loyalty.

And THEN he tells her that it was all a big test to see if she'd out the Calling Dr. Bombay Squad and blow them all up (Caleb! Shush!). Ole Diarrhea Mouth continues and tells her how he heard she went to Nicole to try to start a new Vagina Alliance. Amber denies the claim and wants to bring Nicole in to straighten this out. Amber then says, "This is a big slap in the face to me!" Caleb replies only how Caleb knows how, "What about ME?" Yeah Amber, what about Caleb?! You selfish cow.

Eventually Caleb goes to hunt down Nicole. He says I want to read you this verse from the Good Book, "I don't make love. I fuck... HARD." Nicole looks at him quizzically, squeaks out, "Zach!" and then runs away to find Christine.

Caleb then moseys over to the backyard where he asks Derrick if all of this was Zach's doing. Derrick says that Frankie told him about him the new Vagina Alliance. And then suddenly it all dawns on Caleb. Aha! Frankie wants Amber out of the game!

Caleb runs back to Amber with what he has discovered. He tells her how Frankie and Zach must have orchestrated all of this and that everyone knew about it. But don't you worry your pretty little head, Amber, Caleb is gonna blow this mutha up and rid the house of the infidels!

Outside of the Hive it is chaos. Chaos I tell you! Frankie gets a whiff that things are unravelling so he heads to the Hive to talk to Caleb. Privately. Only, Amber won't leave. Frankie says, "Oh ok, I just left Pussy out back in a jock strap oiling up. He's about to work out." Amber leaps up off her seat and races out the door.

Now we are left with a very heated and confused Caleb. He's so heated that he can't sit down. He must stand for this. Frankie, on the other hand, lies back and gets comfortable. Caleb asks Frankie why he told him up in the HOH that Amber was trying to form a Vagina Alliance. Caleb says he talked to Nicole and Nicole was acting very strange and blamed Zach. Caleb then insists that Amber never tried to form any Vagina Alliance. Frankie calmly replies, "Fine, but how does that change that Amber is trying to get rid of us?"

Frankie then asks what Caleb's goal is. Caleb looks down at his well-read Fifty and he isn't really sure. Instead he says that they accused of Amber of blowing up the alliance to Nicole when it was really Zach who did it. And come to think of it, Caleb now thinks that everyone was lying to him when they told him Amber went on the date with him so she wouldn't hurt his feelings. She told hundreds of other people she had a great time! Frankie can't hold it in anymore and fights back some chuckles.

Frankie then collects himself and says, "You just threw me under the bus to Amber and I don't appreciate it. Go get Nicole." Nicole enters whining, "Oh my gawwwwd, I don't want to be pulled around. I'm getting frustraaated."

Caleb then asks Nicole if Amber tried to form a Vagina Alliance. Nicole says that Amber said she kind of knew she was going up and that the girls should work together to go after the guys. Frankie then asks Nicole if Amber said anything about the date last week. Nicole says that Amber said that she has no feelings for Caleb at all and went on the date so she wouldn't have to tell him no.

Oh. Shit.

The wind immediately goes out of Beast Mode Cowboy's sails and he looks at the ground forlorn and lost. Nicole says again, "Amber said that the girls should stick together." Oh just twist the knife, why don't you?!

Caleb can no longer stand. He sits and leans his head against the wall. His copy of the Good Book tumbles to the floor.

Caleb then puts his head in his hands and says repeatedly, "I don't know, Frankie. I don't know." Frankie tells him, "Caleb, Amber is doing everything everyone said she was. She's lying to you. She's lying to you about the motherfucking date. You're going to go home and you're going to see the DR sessions and you're going to be so upset. I'm sorry. I should have told you earlier, but I didn't want to hurt you. You are blinded by her and now you're making mistakes for her. She doesn't love you like you love her."

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

And that's where we'll end this today. Woo doggy! What a day! Was it good for you? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!