Dan Mac Alpine: Apocalypse not now

News flash: The end of the world has been pushed off to the end of October if you’re one of the Rapture folks, or to the end of 2012 if you prefer the Mayan view of things.

As a Unitarian Universalist, I don’t really hold with either view. I kind of hold with God is love — an all-powerful love which redeems us all. But, as a Unitarian Universalist, I have to at least consider the possibility the Rapturists or the Mayans might be right. I mean, who am I to say they’re wrong?

“Dear Lord I sincerely hope you're coming
’cause you really started something.”
--- Elvis Costello, from “Waiting for the End of the World”

News flash: The end of the world has been pushed off to the end of October if you’re one of the Rapture folks, or to the end of 2012 if you prefer the Mayan view of things.

As a Unitarian Universalist, I don’t really hold with either view. I kind of hold with God is love — an all-powerful love which redeems us all. But, as a Unitarian Universalist, I have to at least consider the possibility the Rapturists or the Mayans might be right. I mean, who am I to say they’re wrong?

Given a choice, I’d take the Rapturists. At least that way some of us have a chance. For the Mayans, it just ends. Period.

To be safe, I prepared myself for The End as best I could. I made sure I’d paid up my church pledge. I read “Crossing Brooklyn Ferry.” I babysat for a friend. I called my family to say goodbye — my mother was busy doing “exactly” what she wanted to do, which was nothing, in case the end of the world was at hand. She reminded me of a guy who texted the NPR news show “The Take Away,” to the effect he was going to get to know a woman in the Biblical sense in the best possible manner before the world ended. Which didn’t seem like a bad idea, either.

My mom, the atheist, chastised me for believing in a judgmental God who would save us or condemn us. I informed her I didn’t believe in such a God. She breathed a sigh of relief and then recovered, “But you’re still going and doing good things.”

“Yes,” I confessed.

I felt somewhat relieved when a colleague told me word on the Internet was the atheists would be saved, but the Catholics wouldn’t. This meant my mom would be OK. He didn’t say anything about Unitarian Universalists. And I didn’t know what to feel for my Catholic friends. Apparently one would be better off believing in no God than the wrong form of God. This is to say nothing of Jews, Hindus or Muslims. And, of course, Jesus was a Jew, so come the Rapture does he go into the Christian or Jewish camp?

All of this confused me even more, but I pressed on with my insurance policy.

What could have been my last good deed was to volunteer for the annual Ipswich cleanup last Saturday morning. I walked into TD Bank North, picked up a trash bag, a pair of gloves with a yellow mesh back and the palm side covered in a black rubber-like material down to the fingertips, and a partner, Kristina Brendel, whose husband Doug is a minister. I hoped she might be able to shed some light on things.

We made our loop through downtown, picking up stray pieces of paper, broken glass, crushed cans, plastic bottles — it was only after I was done I realized we forgot to recycle the plastic bottles and aluminum cans and broken glass and I wondered if this would count against me come The End.

We quickly realized we (as in humans) still smoke way too many cigarettes. We picked up hundreds of butts. It wasn’t long before the nauseating smell of stale cigarette smoke began wafting from my trash bag.

Unfortunately, my time with Kristina, despite her proximity to a man of God, didn’t bring any greater insight than the realization we still smoke too much.

I’ve read a little on the Rapture and become more confused the more I read. It seems Paul and Matthew couldn’t quite agree on what form The End will take, either. So, I’m in good company.

I asked Kristina if it would be God or Jesus who judged us, and she stood up from stooping to pick up a bunch of butts and thought a moment and decided Jesus would be like our defense lawyer, arguing our cases before God.

I was glad I was doing good things. I mean, Jesus is Jesus, but I figured even he could use a little ammunition when pleading my case before God.

Of course, as a Unitarian Universalist, I believe in God’s singularity, I think, but then again, the Trinitarians might have it right.

Whatever.

The world didn’t end and Ipswich, Mass., has a cleaner downtown, which is what really matters.

Dan Mac Alpine lives in Ipswich and is senior editor of the Ipswich Chronicle. His column appears regularly.