Papa Don’t Preach: The Easter Bunny is an Asshole

Easter. As holidays go, there’s really not a less exciting one on the calendar. At least compared to how exciting it was when you were a kid. Then you have kids of your own and Easter becomes a little more fun. But only a little.

Momma and I had a brief conversation the other day about whether we’d teach our little one, who’s 19 months old now, about the Easter Bunny. Momma said we would, although I was leaning toward skipping it. I mean, I can get behind Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. I’m even willing to conjure up the Boogie Man myth to convince her to eat her vegetables, but a magical rabbit who delivers baskets full of colored eggs and inedible marshmallow baby chickens? I don’t know if I can pull that one off with a straight face.

I’ll try though, since I’m a believer in the “magic of childhood” and that other happy stuff.

The only thing is, the Easter Bunny doesn’t make too many kids all that happy. How happy does the two-year-old above look? Terrified. How happy are the kids in the video below? I’m pretty sure they pissed themselves in fear.

Even if a kid is genuinely happy to see the Easter Bunny, what do they think that giant furry creature is? Do they really think that thing with the dead, unmoving eyes that walks around on its hind legs is a giant rabbit? That thing that smells like tears and Old Spice? It’s going to visit our house and give me candy and plastic eggs filled with money? Sorry, I’m not buyin’ it.

What I am buyin’ is that the video below is hilarious. Will our little one have a similar reaction when we take her to see the Easter Bunny Boogieman someday. Probably. I won’t laugh, though. I’ll be too sore from laughing at all the other horrified kids while we were waiting in line.

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