The 20 Things You'll Buy This Summer (But Really Shouldn't)

1. Dumb Shoes

It's an inescapable correlation: The hotter it is, the worse you are prepared to dress. This is particularly true for your feet, which despite millions of years of evolution still need ARMOUR to traverse a flat surface. As you become more desperate to not have to wear socks, the more appealing each hideous shoe option will appear. It's like 2am at a party only it's shoes that you're trying to pick up. Tevas? Cool. Big, chunky leather sandals? Awesome. Crocs? Whatever. Any port in a sweaty, sweaty storm.

2. Beach Chairs

Of course you should buy those $20 beach chairs. You need those beach chairs. Everyone knows that sitting on towels at the beach is incredibly uncomfortable and it's much better to sit hunched in a slightly damp chair so your gut can fold over your bathing suit while you squint at that book you're not actually reading. Besides, beach chairs are a totally sound investment. You can just fold them up and keep them in your trunk for- WHYWON'T THEYFOLD, DAMN IT? WHY?!

3. Tickets to That Terrible Children's 3D Movie When It Rains

Are you ready for smug animals exchanging mediocre puns for the next eighty minutes? Are you? AREYOU?! Get pumped because you're going to need to be to even hear this movie over the countless droves of infants, either too terrified of or delighted with the wacky characters in this movie to give a shit about what they're saying. What they're saying, by the way, is probably a mediocre pun.

4. Newfangled Sun Block

Sun Block is the most important thing you could possibly buy this summer, so be sure to wait until several hours after getting horribly burned before wandering into the nearest drug store and completely guessing what SPF you need. Didn't your mom tell you about the headline of a news article that she skimmed that said any SPF over 30 is baloney? Whatever, you'll just grab one at random, confused by the extensive options like that one that also tans you, or the one that sprays on, or the invisible one for people that were never told that it becomes invisible the MOMENT you use it.

5. Flight to Somewhere You Don't Really Want to Go But Can Afford

"What do you mean you're 'just chilling around here' this summer?" your wealthier friends ask incredulously. The oppressive lameness of your life will eventually lead you to book some super late tickets to whatever city isn't full yet. It will be too hot, too noisy, and too expensive to actually do anything. The good news is that everyone you know is hundreds of miles away so you can develop some great stories about doing things you didn't actually do.