POPE ADDS TO LIST

Having identified gay marriage and abortion as currently the two biggest threats to Society, Pope Benedict will expand on this theme during his weekly sermon.

Referencing various verses in the Bible, he will preach against other ominous behavioural trends which threaten to hurtle us into the apocalypse/abomination/desolation quicker than the bidding at a Princess Diana frock auction in Brighton.

These include:

Sitting on damp grass, swallowing chewing gum, pulling faces during windy conditions, standing on the cracks in the pavement, and not picking pennies up.

Amen and please shake hands with the person next to you - a brief, strong MANLY handshake, nothing else.