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It’s just before 9:00 on the ring road of Granada. The sun is up, hanging as if from a peg above the snow-tipped Sierra Nevada mountain range, but the cars, it seems, are still in the sleepy shadows of garages and driveways. The quiet is a little unsettling. In theory it’s rush hour, but few are hurrying to work since few have a job to go to. Nevertheless, by 10:00 the class of people that always have a job (should they want one) are emerging from their maid-serviced flats and countryside villas to populate the walkways of Granada city centre.

This morning, the pijos are in their pinstriped suits and pencil skirts. Their patent heels, ties, cufflinks and greased-back hair are all gleaming with various degrees of intensity. That is to say, they’re in their office clothes, yet they’re anywhere but the office. Rather, they’re on their daylong morning coffee break, meeting fellow pijos for a relakzeen café con leche (latte) or dodging crisis-riddled beggars on Recogidas (Granada’s equivalent of Oxford Street) on route to Massimo Dutti.

The Spanish work some of the longest hours in Europe, but rest assured that it’s not the pijos that are bringing up the national working time average. That’s because these people form a special class of people. They are the ruling class, the superior class, the pijo class.

How to be a Spanish pija

What it means to be a woman differs according to a person’s socio-cultural context. Below is a guide to the proper way to be a special type of Spanish woman: a pija. That is to say an (aspiring) middle/upper class snob. This is an important task, since by conforming to the stereotype of a female snob, you will not only perpetuate the oppression of women in general, but also oppress other women and men on the basis of class and race!

“Pijo,” or “pija” in the feminine, encapsulates the meaning of a particularly offensive and Spanish breed of snob. It is not so much to do with one’s wealth (although the appearance of wealth must be maintained), but with one’s attitude: pijos like to aparentar (show off) and exert their sense of superiority (o sea, que les gusta “sentir especiales”).

Pijos can be found in all parts of Spain. They are mostly likely to be spotted at your local Club de Campo (playing padel or golf), Corte Ingles food hall, People’s Party (PP) rally or Opus Dei school. They tend to live off inheritance or have jobs with high salaries, thanks to family connections rather than ability or experience, and thus have money to squander on looking as rich as possible at all times.

Needless to say, pijos’ hobbies include looking down at, and exercising power over, those with less economic means or social status. They are “not racist but” believe los sin papeles (“illegal” immigrants) are the downfall of Spain. They pine for the good old days when El Generalissimo (the dictator Franco) ruled the roost and believe that indigenous South Americans are in the world to serve them, those of Arab origin are here to sell them tea and rugs (but should really get back to “wherever they came from”) and gypsies have “infiltrated” Spain to remind them why the Lamborghini must be locked in the garage at night. If they lived in the UK, pijos would invariably vote UKIP, given their intense hatred of Romanians.

Northern pijos maintain a colonial mentality towards the south. The Southern pijo, on the other hand, tends to own vast agricultural estates (near villages that have not evolved since Franco’s time) on which s/he employs indigenous South Americans on highly exploitative terms.

Like the sound of being a pija? A real pija will tell you that it is impossible to become one (un pijo no se hace, se nace, o sea, “good breeding”), but this isn’t strictly true. As I said above, being pijo is more about attitude than anything else. Here are some top tips, o sea, fijaaate cateta:

1) Pijas love the upper classes of Britain and the Iunis Esteits and, when not talking about their various trips to such parts of the world, try to emanate them in speech. When speaking Spanish, try to insert English words so that you sound posh and cultured, o sea, siempre habla con glamur, que queda super fino! Never lisp your Ss, which is typical of the backward peasants of the south. Oh, and pijos have an impediment which prevents the pronunciation of the letter “b,” saes?

2) Send your children to a private school, so that they are trained to understand that they are better than everyone else, and to increase their chances of gaining enchufes (jobs thanks to nepotism). That way, they will be paid a mint without ever having to do a full day’s work. Their teachers’ may also be kind enough to sit their university entrance exam for them, if paid the right price.

4) The young pija studies business, law, economics or medicine at her local university. In her free time, she likes to attend nightclubs with chic, foreign names, such as Mae West (pronounced “My Way”) and drink a lot. This can be an expensive business, (o sea, dame dinero mami o papi porfi-please) but is a good chance to show off her latest purchases from Tommy Hilfiger, Lacoste or Ralph Lauren. Incidentally, the official pija shoe is the shiny heel (preferably in beige) however this does change from season to season in order to ensure the greatest amount of capitalist consumerism: read the woman’s supplement of the weekend edition of your La Razón, ABC or La Gaceta newspaper to keep up with what you should be buying.

5) As is often the case in other geographical contexts, beauty ideals in Spain are linked to wealth and status. Pijas should wear their hair straight and long, and preferably bouffant and, if the colouring permits it, blonde highlights. Large pearls are a must, as is a (tight) blouse with the collar turned up, plus a huge, shiny bag and beige jodhpurs (a nod to the English upper classes, o sea supermegafashion oh mi god!!!!). You’ll have lots of time to do your nails at your civil service job where you are paid to do nothing.

6) Your boyfriend should wear a pink or nautical shirt with a brand logo and beige chinos that are a little too tight. A blue jersey should be hung over the shoulders. The older pijo may like to grow sideburns, especially if he lives in Andalusia or the countryside (campo-pijo). His hair should not be too short, should be styled with a side parting, or, if older or a campo-pijo, combed back with lots of gel.

7) When your boyfriend is not with you, he should try and have sex with as many other people as possible, including at the ever-discreet putódromo Club Don Pepe Don José (super-sized brothel appropriately located next to Toys R Us in Granada) or another local massage parlour (the place on the spectrum of consent of the “goods”, from sex worker to enslaved girl child, is not of interest to the pijo) owned by the village mayor. Despite being a closet putero (punter), he should maintain the public front of a catholic believer, o sea un tío muy fiel y muy formal. In the words of The Kinks, he should aim to emulate the impression of “a sophisticated man about town, doing the right things so conservatively.”

8) If you are an aged pija, you should be confident in your queue-jump right. When you get to the bank to check your tenants have paid on time, if you find lots of people waiting, just walk straight to the front of the queue. If the cashier’s already serving someone, go ahead and interrupt. You know you are better than everyone else in the bank, señora, because you inherited half of Gran Vía and you can trace your ancestry back to the medieval conquistadores (Columbus-style colonisers). The older pija is the Queen Bee of pijas. She waits for no one.

So, pija, are you better than the other girls? Does your boyfriend wear Ralph Lauren? Do you think Spain is still at war with the Moors? Yes? You are ready. Go forth, consume and don’t forget to vote PP.

I am writing to thank you for the leaflet you kindly posted through my door this morning along with all the takeaway spam and Lidl adverts. It reminded me of a key quality that all mothers should strive to possess if they truly want the best for their children: the desire to be thinner.

Occasionally I think about having children in the future, if I am able to. I wonder if I would make a good mother. Will I be patient, selfless, caring enough? Can I be strict, or will I spoil my offspring horribly? Will I suffer from post-natal depression? What if something happens to my children due to my own lack of shrewdness? Will they be born healthy? What if looking after my baby doesn’t come naturally to me? As you will have noted, “will I be slim enough?” had, up until now, yet to feature in my list of future motherhood anxieties. Should I have children in the future, I will add “need to lose weight” to the catalogue of guilt that will no doubt be plaguing me.

Of course, it would be wrong of me to fail to acknowledge that your leaflet is not the sole mother-shaming instrument out there. Women’s magazines and several newspapers are full of weight-loss and fitness tips from celebrity mothers who have succeeded in their “quests” to lose baby bumps, which implies that all new mothers should be striving for this goal. But the honesty of your leaflet made it stand out from the crowd: slimming is simply a must-have quality for any woman who wants to be an amazing mum. The message is clear.

Forgive me, however, for there is something which I do not understand. What is it, exactly, that makes slimming mums better than ones that aren’t on a diet or weight-loss exercise regime? Can they play better? Do they care and love more? Are they better at discipline? Are they better equipped to pass body-guilt on to their own children, thereby reproducing a market necessary for the survival of the capitalist weight-loss industry? Do share.

Amid celebrations for the birth of a new Royal Overlord, David Cameron has called for Britons to support his new Great British Pyramid programme, which will replace the previous Welfare State initiative endorsed by past governments.

Through the programme, peasants who have broken Great British protocol by, for example, seeking support when they are sick, old, with caring responsibilities or without a job will be forced to contribute to the building of a Great British Pyramid in homage to our newly born third-in-line to the throne. Peasants who refuse to serve their stint pulling ton-heavy stones with old ropes as their only aid will be denied benefits indefinitely. In an interesting twist to this government policy, construction works will be filmed for a new BBC2 television series. Building on the success of previous series such as The Great British Bake Off and The Great British Sewing Bee, The Great British Pyramid will see peasants competing to pull the heaviest weight each day in return for extra working tax credits.

A DWP mock-up of how the scheme will look in practice

Iain Duncan Smith, Secretary of State for the Department of Work and Pensions, said in a statement today, “the Great British Pyramid initiative returns fairness to the benefits system. It gives the taxpayer justice by ensuring that workshy scroungers will no longer get something for nothing.” Other organisations and experts have criticized the Great British Pyramid Scheme, along with wider welfare cuts. Disability Rights groups in particular have struck out at the government over what they see as a war on disabled people, citing the abolition of the Disability Living Allowance and the inhumanity of ATOS work assessments amongst other complaints. Says Mr Cameron,

“if disabled people are fit enough to attend protests against cuts, or indeed to voice their resistance to said cuts via the worldwide web, then they are fit enough to build a pyramid for our future King. However, the government does realise that not all disabled people are fit enough to haul rocks. We therefore plan to use ATOS assessments to refer the less able disabled to other pyramid-related duties, such as making blood and vital organ sacrifices in order to boost the future King’s favour with the Gods.”

According to government aids, the first intake of peasants to work on the Great British Pyramid will be sourced from the scrounger group known as Single Mothers. This group is also to be the worst effected by the wider welfare reform cuts currently hitting the nation. Says Satwat Rehman of One Parent Families Scotland,

“cuts to child benefit, child tax credits, help with childcare costs and most appallingly benefits for expectant mothers could prove to be the tipping point for lone parents and their children already being pushed to the brink by cuts to public services, rising living and childcare costs.”

In the view of feminist Laurie Pennie and other critics of these government policies, such targeting of single mothers by the orchestrators of welfare reform is down to a cruel mixture of sexism and classism. On the other hand, Duncan Smith refutes critics with his assertion that, “if single mothers didn’t want to be homeless, poor and hungry, then they shouldn’t have opened their legs in the first place.” Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, where housing benefit caps are resulting in critical levels of homelessness amongst single mother-led families, says,

Once again I’m passing my summer in piropolandia (cat-calling land) aka Andalusia, where every young woman’s street harassment dreams come true. Whilst bronzing my bikini body by the pool, I have had the chance to sample the Andalusian edition of ¡Qué Me Dices! (Fancy That!), which is the woman’s Saturday supplement of the catholic right’s newspaper La Razón.

The magazine is a fascinating read on many levels. Perhaps the aspect of it that most baffles me is the juxtaposition of an advert for a catholic, diamond encrusted gold charm bracelet (complete with one of god’s commandments on each of the ten charms) with three A4 pages of adverts for prostitutes and erotic phone lines.

One advertisement in particular caught my attention: that for “Lolitas,” implicitly aimed at the Andalusian gentleman for whom the underage partner is preferred. In case there is a need to remind the reader, international laws dictate that a child cannot consensually prostitute her or himself and thereby automatically classes punters who buy sex from children as guilty of rape and paedophilia, and pimps of sexual exploitation. As well as the obvious question as to why there are three pages of prostitute publicity in a woman’s supplement, one also feels compelled to ask Fancy That’s editors: do Catholicism and paedophilia really go well together? Oh.

Fancy That’s most inspiring feature this week is its cover story “The Secret’s of Charlize Theron.” I have photographed this for you below, and highlighted ways in which you can recreate Charlize’s secrets with your own resources at home.

As Fancy That reminds its readers, “being pretty isn’t easy,” but it is implicitly necessary, hence the need to study Charlize’s secrets and apply them to oneself. If you stack up the prices of the products Fancy That says you need if you want to look like Charlize Theron, you will find that the total exceeds €500. Lets remind ourselves of Andalusia’s economic situation. With unemployment at a high of 36.87%, more families made homeless on a daily basis, and food banks becoming a necessity for ever more people, should Fancy That really be spending its existence persuading women that, without expensive products, women will never be as pretty as they ought to be? Well, yes, for beauty in a woman is so vital a quality that it should be your top priority even when you have lost your livelihood and home. So if you don’t have €500 lying around, then why not, just as I have, create your very own home laborattoir for fabricating beauty products? As well as using them yourself, you could also convince your friends that they are in need of such products and flog them for a buck or two. Ideas follow.

FANCY THAT SAYS: Charlize uses “phytoserum” to make her breasts “better”, “firmer” and “more volumised”. NATURAL WOMAN SAYS: Kill a wasp and extract its sting. (Watch out girls, here comes “the science bit!” – best get a man to read this then explain it to you slowly…) Your immune system reacts to the wasp venom by sending in blood cells to fight the invading chemicals. The extra blood supply results in swelling. If you rub venom all over your chest your breasts will therefore grow, and it won’t cost you €42 (but you could sell it for that).

FANCY THAT SAYS: At €83.07, Lift Bras miraculously “tones (Charlize´s) arms, especially the zone below the bicep, which is prone to being flaccid.” NATURAL WOMAN SAYS: Add semen to your regular moisturising cream. This will prevent flaccidity, aka chicken wings. If you don’t have a man to hand, any other male mammal can be used.

FANCY THAT SAYS: Charlize uses “Frownies” to stick back the frowns around her forehead and eyes. NATURAL WOMAN SAYS: sellotape is cheaper than Frownies, but is basically the same thing.

I have taped back all the wrinkles on my forehead, yet you can barely see the sellotape. Ten years younger, instantly.

FANCY THAT SAYS: Charlize sprays Eau Sublimatrice/Moisturizing Beauty Water on her legs when wearing dresses or shorts. NATURAL WOMAN SAYS: Take tap water and place it in a plastic bottle with a perforated lid. As long as you give the water a French or scientific-sounding name, it will make your leg instantly beautiful when sprayed. Unlike other natural resources, water has yet to be fully privatised, so this method is currently free for all.

Spray Beauty Water on your leg and it will be beautiful, instantly

Enjoy! Before you navigate away from this page, take a final thought from Fancy That!

“Fancy That” has spotted this famous Spanish actor in the supermarket. The magazine makes the observation, “the actor, interested in vegetables, even went to the extent of touching – without making use of the plastic gloves – the artichokes in the market”. Well, just fancy that!

Favourite headline: “So you ate a cupcake? Fast moves to burn it off!”

Women’s magazines serve an important role for those who wish to be better females. With their narrow views of what constitutes fashion, beauty and feminine behaviour, magazines promote a one-dimensional image of how a “proper” woman should be, thereby making “woman” a simple, un-nuanced target for capitalist corporations to market to. Of course, a key aspect of magazine womanhood is knowing how to please your man (women’s magazines don’t do gay, polyamory, bi or any other non-heterosexual inclination), including (as the endless “mindblowing”, “dynamite”, utterly ridiculous, boringly choreographed and repetitive sex tips every week indicate) physically. The likes of Cosmo and Glamour help us to realise how disappointing we are in the bedroom and highlight the danger of our significant others straying as a result. Best, then, to follow the magazines “tips” (normally sponsored by a consultant “sexpert” who invariably has a new book out) no matter how, odd, shall we say, they may seem. They are guaranteed to “make your man go wild” (although, I sometimes worry, “wild” in what sense?). Below are fifteen of the best, with some added advice from moi!

Via mookychick.co.uk

1) “Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.” As my colleague noted, you could also use the fork to wake him up if he falls asleep on top of you.Incidentally, it’s lucky Cosmo clarified that one shouldn’t “break the skin”. Many females that don’t read Cosmo probably still think that is a legitimate pulling technique, no doubt.

2) “Want to make oral sex a sweet treat for him? Mashed banana or peaches inside your vajayjay is a great way to tempt him downstairs for dessert! It’ll drive him wild!”(ViaVagenda: road-tesing Cosmo’s sex tips). If you must train your man to pleasure you by using foodstuffs, in the same way you might train your pet to fetch with dog biscuits, I wonder if you might be better off getting yourself a new man. Besides, I’m not sure if storing fruit in your genitals would cause mould. In any case, if you decide to go ahead, and your man meets the mashed yield he finds in your vagina with a bemused or scared expression, just moan his name or something… that will make it normal again.

3) “Finger-Food Foreplay: Have a romantic dinner without utensils so you can feed each other. There’s something sensual about placing food in your partner’s mouth. It’s such fun — especially when you serve stuff that’s not supposed to be eaten with your hands, like salads or pasta. After a meal like this, serve yourself for dessert.” (Via Cosmo favourite sex tips) Tried this with a Big Mac in Macdonald’s on Sunday. No one wanted desert.

4) “Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit.” (Via nerve.com) Cosmo leaves it up to us what to do with this delicious concoction. But be warned, if mixing one part phlegm to one part water ignites your passions, it is possible that you have found a new low amongst the mucus-lined depths of erotic boredom.

5) “Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to ‘sponge paint’ his entire body. Then lick it off.” (Via Cosmo’s 50 ways to be boobilicious) Interesting. If this much body paint proves a little costly, you could always take inspiration from tip 3 and blend your favourite dinner (be it steak and chips, roast chicken, whatever tickles your fancy!) in the food processor, slop it all over yourself, and launch yourself at him like the erotic trooper that you are. Then lick it off.

6) “A little nip: Try a little playful bite or nibble when you’re giving your man all-over kisses. Hot spots for nibbling include his neck, stomach, inner thigh and bum.” (Via Cosmo kissing tips). If you are tired of nibbling your man’s bottom (it can become quite laborious, I find), you could always enlist the help of an obliging rodent.

7) “Sexpert” Henry, 25, says, “If we’re somewhere semi-public and can’t go at each other, press your hips against mine and massage me with your pelvis.” (via Cosmo’s sex tips from guys). Nope. No danger of that going wrong. No one will notice that. But, just in case, maybe don’t try this on public beaches in Dubai.

8) “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.” (Via Cosmo Blow His Mind Moves) You could also try to get Bird Flu and pass it to him, to heighten the sneezing pleasure for both of you.

9) “Blow hot air from your mouth through his underwear” (Via Cosmo Blow His Mind Moves) I’m glad Cosmo specified “from your mouth”! I was just about to go to the shops and stock up on baked beans! Phew! That could have been embarrassing!

10) To get into the festive mood, Glamour magazines “The Reindeer”, which is “your basic doggie style position. But with one or both parties using their hands to mime antlers. Festive! Also, great for testing your balance!” (Via Glamourmagazine). I always like a good excuse to test my balance. Nothing else to add here really, other than do make sure you save this one for a special evening over Christmas. There’s nothing sadder than doing “The Reindeer” on a work night in January, and I should know. But you could always design your own “fun specials” for different times of the year or other religious festivals: do send in any ideas!

11) “Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.” (Via The best of Cosmo ridiculous tips at Nerve.com). Perhaps I have misunderstood the extent of the sensitivities of the male glands, but my gut instinct is that, should you try this tip, your man may wonder what he has done to make you so angry with him that you would perform this ritual. But then again, my forehand volley is more powerful than most – perhaps I’m just too tame. An alternative would be to lay some peach stones (left over from tip 2) on the bed, lay his “member” on top of them, and stomp down hard.

12) “Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity… but you can just tell him that your lips can’t resist his delicious, beer-flavored face.” (Via Nerve.com). I’m not sure what this means. I have thrown beer in the face of a man before, but I’m not sure that either of us regarded it as foreplay. Nevertheless, best blindly trust the sooth-saying words of Cosmopolitan magazine and massage your man with egg white and hops.

13) “Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower – wet skin is more sensitive” (Via buzzfeed.com). This works best if you do it as a surprise, and, as one of my twitter followers recommended, if you use a toilet brush.

14) “Want to experience new sensations that will literally blow his mind? Get him to cover his penis in bicarbonate of soda and secretly fill your vagina with vinegar. Get ready for an explosive time!” (via… OK, I made that one up.)

15) “While it’s essential that you’re comfortable with each other and to be yourself with your partner, there are certain things your lover never need witness. Remember, whilst he may know that we aren’t entirely hairless beings, he doesn’t need to see the actual shaving of the underarms…” (via Glamour’s G-Spot Blog). This tip strikes me as especially problematic.If only they’d stopped writing at the first comma. Will making the reader feel she should be ashamed of (parts of) her body improve her sex life? Or rather, is feeling completely comfortable and free of shame, and trusting that your partner will not be disgusted by your body a precursor to more pleasure? Perhaps Glamour magazine should go f*** itself, as it were.

Top woman’s lifestyle magazine Cosmopolitan, which is surely every woman’s bible for all the dilemmas life rudely thrusts in our faces, says that cat-calling should be taken as a compliment. Cosmo’s Features Intern states that “sometimes a bit of attention, even if it’s in the form of a jeer from a middle-aged man drilling a hole in the street, can feel quite nice.”

Cosmo annual (care of the Onion news)

But what if, unlike Cosmo’s Features Intern, you find the practice of strangers voicing their personal evaluation of your body and sexual attractiveness infuriating and intimidating? Well, you had better modify your behaviour, demeanour and dress: if a man harasses you, it’s your fault, because men are simple beings that are incapable of changing their comportment or controlling their sexual urges (although, funnily enough, when it comes to actual groping they often manage to control such urges until there’s no one around to see, Lib Dem Lord Rennard being a case in point). And if a harasser takes things one step further and “abuses” you, well, quite frankly, you are probably mistaken. As Steve Moxon, Andres Breivik sympathiser, Jimmy Saville apologist, ex-UKIP representative and author of The Woman’s Racket argues, “There is plenty of research showing a very high proportion of even formal allegations of sexual assault to police are fabrications (likely the majority…)”. Indeed, UKIP has embraced blame-culture, so best act now to avoid blame if you are harassed or attacked (for rape prevention tips, go here).

So, how to divert unwanted sexual attention? There are many theories, but given the rising power of UKIP and the abundance of British Citizens voting to live the UKIP way (rumour has it that the home counties have already declared independence from Europe), it is intelligent to draw some sex pest repellence tips from UKIP itself. Indeed, it is important to pay close attention to UKIP’s own suggestions of how we can repel their supporters and members, given the sex-pest-esque way senior UKIP members treat wimmin-folk.

Demetri Marchessini, one of UKIP’s most generous donors, suggests in his book Women in Trousers: a Rear View (a book featuring photographs of the women of London and New York and their unattractive, trouser-clad bottoms) that women are currently “using trousers like a uniform every single day. This is hostile behaviour. They are deliberately dressing in a way that is opposite to what men would like. It is behaviour that flies against common sense, and also flies against the normal human desire to please.”

Says UKIP supporter Joan Collins, if you are unfeminine enough, men will turn gay, which greatly reduces the danger of unwanted sexual attention. According to Collins, ankle-strap shoes are “seriously unattractive.” She also advises that women over a size 10 do not look good in slip dresses, and no one is appealing with bare legs in winter. In a damning indictment of the classic american trouser, she describes jeans as “rarely glamourous.” Levis it is then.

3) Speak. Lots. Preferably in a foreign accent

Des Lynam, ex-BBC sports presenter and prominent UKIP supporter has described the female voice as “grating and unattractive” after having to listen to wimmin-commentators throughout the past summer’s Olympic events (Lynam must surely have got on well with the late national treasure Sir Patrick Moore, fellow UKIP fan, who famously complained of women ruining the BBC). If you find that speaking with your banshee-like voice is in itself not enough to get rid of any pests, then try speaking in a foreign accent, especially one belonging to one of the poorer EU Member states, and your harasser will disappear quicker than you can say “political correctness gone mad.”

Inspired by a recent 6-page-long analysis of St Margaret Thatcher’s style, “look” and “power dressing”, I have of late been thinking of the way in which we analyse the dressing, grooming and physical appearance of our women politicians. Such focus on their clothes and looks helps to demean the political campaigns and professional activities of such women, which is important since, after all, no country is safe with a female in charge. Instead of seeking power, women should stick to what they do best: sitting pretty and looking sexy for the male population. If women need help and support in this mission, they can consult magazines such as Glamour, which remind women of the ugly, fat, imperfect beings that they are and convince readers of the need to purchase expensive products that aid ladies to look better.

Call Me Dave: Well, I like to cleanse, tone and moisturise. You see, with all the stress of being Prime Minister, my skin tends to suffer. My forehead in particular gets really dry, especially on PMQ Wednesdays, because the salty sweat I excrete with all the lies and half-truths really agitates the skin.

Anyway, after moisturising, I like to apply foundation. It makes my skin tone nice and even. Then, about 6:30 every morning, my Celebrity Stylist arrives. He’s great – he gives me the perfect, slick comb-over and applies some great hair product to keep the style shiny and in-place all day. I truly believe the comb-over is the best style for today’s Tory gentleman. It’s classy, timeless, perfect for any occasion or workplace, and can be manipulated to suit any face shape – even my famously two-faced Lib Dem colleague Cleggy gets away with it!

Natural Woman: Great – that sounds very thorough! Although, in our view, there is always more you could do to look better… Anyway, with such an in-depth beauty regime, how do you find the time to run the country?

Call Me Dave: Ah well, I’m a lucky man! My wonderful wife SamCam helps me with most of the important decisions. For example, if ever I get Delhi-belly following too much curry post party conference, she helps consult my skid marks the next day. Together, we follow our inner-spirits to help us interpret the telling, sooth-saying shapes on the toilet bowl or my pants, which are sent to us by Dame Thatcher, from beyond the grave. This process always guides the most crucial of my policy decisions, as you can probably tell.

Natural Woman: Inspirational! So, Call Me Dave, do you own a ManBag?

Call Me Dave: Of course! Briefcases just don’t cut the mustard these days. I need a bag with room to hold all my papers, evil plans to exterminate Britain’s underclass, my gym clothes (it’s really important for me to keep in shape, especially since SamCam and I have got a holiday coming up) and my diary, so that I can keep track of my appointments for drinkypoos with George.

So anyway, the manbag is bang on trend yet still looks great paired with my vintage two-piece suits. Oh, and the full-grain leather shell feels just wonderful against my skin if I’ve decided to flash a little flesh 😉

Natural Woman: I can imagine…

Call Me Dave: Calm down dear 😉

Natural Woman: Cheeky! Call Me Dave, you’re a hoot! I’m so voting for you in the next election 🙂

Gallery of Call Me Dave’s Five Key Looks for Summer

Call Me Dave gets down with the plebs by ruffling his hair and bravely going tieless. Booyakasha!

Call Me Dave wooing the woman-vote with this dashing, Hugh-Grantesque look. This pic was taken during Dave’s days at the Bullingdon club, a members-only gathering for the rich and posh with a penchant for partaking in arson (not the good kind!) now and then.

Dave teasingly leaves a few buttons open… strip-tease sexy… or perhaps the belly roles indicate that Dave’s let himself go of late – Could it be the trauma of the breakdown in his relationship with Cleggy? Watch Made in Chelsea, which has kindly sponsored this article, to find out.

Dave attempting to get his body beach-ready (Natural Woman has sold this photograph to Heat magazine, where Call Me Dave will deservedly be ripped to pieces for daring to look so ugly in public).

By creating a Slim silhouette with his soft-shouldered jacket and clean lines, Call Me Dave managed to persuade two common people to perform a Bullingdon sándwich. Tragically, he broke the spell by farting.

Whilst waiting for my tea to brew in the kitchen at work yesterday, I came across an abandoned issue of the Sunday Times Style magazine (dated 13 January 2013). I often turn to publications such as your own in order to learn how to be a proper woman. As such, conflicting messages about how women should behave are very distressing to me. It is with a recent highly confusing experience in mind, in which one article contradicted the messages given by the rest of the magazine, that I write to you.

Let us first analyse the article that jars with the rest of your publication’s content, Freedom to Choose. This piece intelligently highlights the damage the mainstream media causes to young girls. It argues that the media teaches young girls that they are sexual objects, causes insecurity amongst girls by making “how they look, and their “hotness”… an obsession”, and that they are “products” whose worth is determined by how others evaluate theirs looks.

The piece describes how very young girls are constantly: “hammered by the media by the need to be sexy” and taught, above all else, that “(their) looks are the most important things about (them).”

The article helpfully highlights for the reader how to avoid the sexualisation of their young daughters, and how to help girls to have their own space and security to become women at their own pace. To jog your mind, here are three top strategies and tips that your article recommends:

1) “Because (the sexualisation) starts very young … we can choose which magazines and other media to buy”;

2) “Girls’ magazines generally do more harm than good”; and

3) “shared meals at fixed times, where everyone is at the table” can help.

My confusion lies in the juxtaposition of these sensible messages with the general philosophy offered by your publication. Pray, why does the rest of your magazine blatantly contradict all three of these messages?

For the benefit of my blog readers who may not have a copy of your magazine to hand (I will post this letter on my blog), let me now give a brief overview of the contents of your publication:

Cover: Photo of a skinny woman who is posing as if she is expecting to be penetrated from behind, penetrated orally and penetrated in her visible cleavage, and who, implicitly, is presently on “the fasting diet”

Inner cover: advert for make-up that gives a “face lift” effect

p.1: contents

p.2: advert for low-fat ready meal

p.3: editor’s update featuring JLO’s dressing habits

p.4: perfume advert with skinny model posing as if she is about to perform fellatio

p.5: photos of expensive clothes and jewellery to buy (prices range from £70 to £775)

p. 15-18: article about a model and her naked photo shoot, featuring photo in which the female model appears to be being raped (note distressed facial expression) by the male model

p. 19: competition featuring ticket to catwalk show as prize

p. 20: tips on what you should wear

pp. 21-25: photos of skinny models who appear to be about to perform fellatio

pp. 26-27: 4 tips on how to make your face look better

pp.28-36: your cover story: the fasting diet and why it is brilliant

p. 37: advert for a car whose seats mimic the curves of an attractive woman

p. 38: dilemmas page

pp.39 -43: article on what furniture one should buy

pp. 44-45: article on restaurants that sell low fat food

p. 46: advertisement for the Sunday Times

p. 47: star signs

p. 48: problem page

Inside cover: competition to win a makeover

Back cover: advert for anti-ageing cream

Your eight-page-long cover story, entitled The Fasting Diet deserves special attention, I believe. It advocates the new intermittent fasting diet, in which participants should starve themselves for two 24-hour periods per week. The piece disperses text with photos of the skinny, scantily clad cover model in various sexually suggestive poses. Without boring you further with the content of an article of which you are already, no doubt, familiar, let me enlighten my blog readers with a few choice quotes from the piece:

“Fasting teaches you what it means to be hungry”

on “feed days”, “be very careful about measuring exactly what you eat. Don’t guess.”

“you must learn not to be afraid of hunger”

“what you need to do is set up a system of immediate rewards. For example, if I get through the next two fast days, I can buy a new lipstick… obviously do not use food as a reward. (Buy) a pack of gold stars and put a …reward chart up on the wall”

“I know nutritionists bang on about the importance of breakfast… but why wake up Annie Appetite before you need to?”

“Last Sunday… I had a slice of chocolate and walnut cake. But it was fine, because I knew I was fasting the next day”

“(when fasting), people tend… to raise their intake of tea and coffee, though obviously if you add milk, you’ll have to keep a close eye on that.”

I think my blog readers will get the idea.

Let me summarise the problem for you. If I pay attention to the three tips from the Freedom to Choose article, I would NEVER, EVER GO ANYWHERE NEAR STYLE MAGAZINE, given its use of highly sexualised images of women, tips on how to look better and younger, and strategies on how to cope with daily life when you are starving yourself for aesthetic reasons (as, you imply, all proper women should).

I therefore ask, Ms Long, was the anomaly of an article on how to empower young girls by promoting healthy eating habits and encouraging them to realise that their looks are not their only source of self-worth published in your magazine by mistake? Am I right to judge the rest of your magazine as a pile of worthless, sexist hypocrisy that makes women feel insecure and inadequate, and which I should probably shove up my objectified, fasting, and perpetually-ready-for-sex bottom?

Are you a woman? Do you sometimes have difficulty getting “in the mood”? Does sex sometimes prove disappointing? Did you think this was due to one or more of a whole range of factors in your life such as stress, body confidence issues, feeling disrespected by your partner, relationship satisfaction, the quality of your sexual education, a selfish lover or indeed wider social, political and economic factors? If you thought so, you would be wrong.

Leafing through the pre-Christmas weekend edition of one of Spain’s favourite newspapers, El País, I was delighted to learn of a cure for a new disorder that, according to the paper, affects 80% of women. Hypoactive Sexual Desire (HSD), which appears to be alternatively termed as Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD) by some medics, is an “illness” (El País’ term) whose symptoms include lack of sexual desire and an inability to orgasm. If you didn’t already know it, women’s sexualities aren’t just complex, they are positively pathological. Thankfully, some American pharmaceutical companies have found a cure for the dysfunction, which they themselves seem to have invented.

Your sexual failures and bodily dysfunctions can be quickly fixed by squirting Tefina, a spray gel containing testosterone, into your nose two hours before sexual activity. According to El País and their range of medical experts (many of whom happen to be pharmaceutical company directors), the nasal spray will make you horny and allow you to come. Yet, if you are scared that too much testosterone will cause “aggressiveness, excessive body hair, insomnia and weight gain” (as suggested by El País) then rejoice, because there is an alternative solution for your illness: the G-Shot.

Says one of El País’ said medical experts, the G-Shot simply involves injecting some collagen or hyarluronic acid into your G-spot, thereby making it bigger (but surely not more sensitive?), and it only costs £800. This confuses me somewhat, since I had previously believed that the G-spot was a mythical invention that happened to be conveniently located for the form of sexual activity preferred by heterosexual men (unlike the clitoris). If the G-spot doesn’t exist, how can one inject it with acid? Could this all be just another ploy by the multi-million pound cosmetogynecology and pharmaceutical industries to profit from women’s insecurities? Surely not. It was in the newspaper so it must be true.

I must go and wax my moustache – a happy sign that I may have enough testosterone to bottle and sell to all my friends for Christmas (with a healthy profit margin, of course J).

Meta

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