Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Snap

Last night, I snapped.

Yesterday was my first day totally on my own - husband gone from early 'til late, me alone with a boob-chomping infant and, for the latter part of the day, after daycare, a spirited toddler - and I just couldn't do it. I made it until dinnertime and then - nips and nethers aching badly, infant squalling endlessly for more booby more booby more booby, toddler chucking her pizza to the floor, stripping off her clothes and embarking upon her own, unsuccessful, toilet-training regimen (a story that might be funny in another lifetime but cannot even be recounted here in barest outline because I will start crying again) - I snapped. Snapped.

Which means, only, that I ended up immobilized in the corner with infant fastened like a vise to my ravaged boobies, sobbing helplessly and uncontrollably while my beautiful and entirely naked daughter laid waste to our living and dining rooms. I stayed there and sobbed until HBF walked in the door and took charge. Then I went to bed - infant still clinging to tit with his gummy iron grip - and wept until I couldn't breathe. I didn't fling myself under a bus, I didn't have quote-unquote intrusive thoughts - I just collapsed under the weight of the feeling, however misguided, that I cannot do this, not on my own. That however much a blessing is the birth of this most-beloved boy - and it is, truly, the greatest blessing - it is overwhelming. That however capable and sane I think I am, that capability and that sanity crumble under the weight of pain and stress and the awful, terrible feeling of maternal helplessness.

I know that these are extreme circumstances - I'm recovering from a physically traumatic childbirth, I'm struggling with breastfeeding, my husband is away from home for long hours, and I have a history of PPD - and that I'm doing the best that I can. I know that this is different from the first time, when I just got anxious and sad and huddled in the dark feeling lost and alone. I know that I'm not lost, that I'm not alone. But the painful difference, this time, is precisely this: I am not alone. As I huddle in the corner, infant clutched to breast, sobbing uncontrollably, I have a companion, and a witness: my daughter. Who understands that tears mean pain and fear and sadness. Who worries for her Mommy. Who, last night, in the fray, shushed her brother loudly, saying don't hurt Mommy. Who asked, do I hurt you Mommy?

111 Comments:

If you were my best friend, sitting here telling me this over coffee, I would be putting your butt in the car and taking you to get some myself.

I think you have PPD again. It's not any kind of personal failure, it just IS. It's a chemical disorder, just like diabetes. No shame, no judgment, just facts.

I think you need to get yourself on a bit of Zoloft, give it a couple of weeks, and see how you're doing then. It also gets easier and easier as they get bigger. Where are you? Is there someone who can be with you during the day?

Hang in there. I've been there too - with PPD and two under two. THIS TOO SHALL PASS. E-mail me if you need to talk to someone who understands.

I'm a lurker who loves your blog. I just have to tell you I've been exactly where you are - 2 years ago - with an infant and a toddler and the hell that is breastfeeding (well it was hell for both kids for me). I can tell you to hang in there, it will get better, which is true. I can also tell you that if you do hang in there, you are a much stronger woman than I because with both kids I threw in the towel with breastfeeding, my son after 5 weeks and my daughter after about the same. Be damned breastfeeding Mafia. A sane mom who bottle feeds is better for the whole family was my defense, if I needed one, which I really shouldn't have. I know I'm venting a bit on your blog, but I hope it's helpful to know you're not alone!

My firstborn was so difficult. Like your guy, he demanded to nurse constantly - nearly every waking moment! I remember how shocked I felt at the loss of the simple physical ability to get up and use the bathroom or get a glass of water. Plus, he didn't sleep. Needed. Minimal. Sleep. The pediatrician said that sometimes, some babies really do just need their 7 or 8 hours. Rare, but not unthinkable.

Baby #2 confirmed for me that mothering newborns -- infants all the way up through those first six or seven months -- was not something I enjoyed. Sure, I loved my darling babies but loved them much more when someone else was holding them or doing all the work. The entire situation is completely tedious by nature.

Even so, I went on to have that third baby so I could have three children!

Like Amy ahead, I'd do something tangible in the real world. You need a girlfriend to hustle on over and give you a hand, period! Can you imagine having a friend to help with the cooking, cleaning and care -- companionship during husband's long work hours?

If you're one of HBM's real life real people, get busy. She needs you.

Reading these words made me feel like I am not alone. I am a first time mother to a beautiful baby boy who was born May 6th. I am blessed, I am in love- but I am overwhelmed. So very overwhelmed. Thank you so very much from the bottom of my exhausted heart for sharing this. It was something I needed to hear.

I echo Amy. Not in the experience realm, but in saying that PPD is a CHEMICAL DISORDER that can be "ordered" with medicine. Like diabetes. You are one brave woman, and your bravery is, to a great extent, that you recognize you cannot do it alone. So don't.

It's not you, you know that right? It's incredibly hard to deal with a newborn and a toddler. Beyond hard, approaching impossible. And, it's been what, two weeks, and you're already on your own. I know people do what they have to, but that's quick girl. My mom stayed for a month after my second birth and I still cried when she left.

I'd say crying is normal (although needing help for depression is fine too). And, you know, letting small chomper cry for a few minutes is fine too. I was amazed by how much more I had to let my second baby cry. He's ten months old and totally normal (okay, he army crawls and bobs for cheerios with his mouth, but otherwise, normal, totally).

I remember bringing my daughter home and adding a second child into the mix being so very mind numbing, body and soul draining; I went into survival mode and considered getting myself dressed a personal victory. It wasn't a victory I achieved on a regular basis. You are not alone.

So many people I know have been where you are. I don't know if it is PPD; I am not a doctor. I think a lot of people have your experiences after having their second child, even when they do not have PPD.

I hope that your friends read your blog and come to help you. Don't be afraid to ask for help with your older child. And it is okay to cry. I did a lot of it with my baby!

As for breastfeeding, you seem to be doing better then most people in your situation would be. I am sorry that it is not going better for you. Take care, and rest when you can.

I'm not a doctor but this doesn't sound much like PPD. It sounds like you're just plain overwhelmed, and you have every right to be. Do you have a friend or some family that could come help out? I hope things get better soon.

Ummm . . . I am certainly not going to diagnose you with a disorder or recommend any medication when you are, ahem, RECOVERING FROM A TRAUMATIC CHILDBIRTH, STRUGGLING WITH BREASTFEEDING, AND STUCK AT HOME ALONE WITH TWO KIDS.

Sounds to me like you reacted perfectly normally, given the circumstances, actually.

Hang in there, lady. And if you need to cry, cry. It's okay.

Your son will not remember you breaking down in tears. Your daughter will learn that sometimes mommies and daddies need help from big sisters, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

Of course, please do, please do seek help if you think you are once again suffering from an imbalance on top of it all. But, really. It's okay and normal to feel overwhelmed in this situation.

Do you have any friends who could stop by to help, to take Emilia out to the park for a bit, or cook dinner, maybe? I wish I didn't live so far away.

The first few weeks are extremely hard sometimes whether it is your first or not. I remember the tears, the power to do nothing sometimes. I think under the circumstances you are doing pretty well.

Maybe try giving Jasper a bottle now and then (pumped milk or otherwise) to give your body a bit of a break. Just a suggestion from a Mom who tried unsuccessfully so very hard to nurse. I am not saying give up, maybe just give yourself a wee break.

Oh, honey. I don't know from real PPD, but I do know the sound of sheer exhaustion and frustration, and I can well imagine how even one day under current circumstances would be more than enough to do anyone in. It's a lot to put on yourself to expect that now, so soon, so in pain, so tired, you'd be able to stand up to that without breaking down a little.

I only wish I could come up and keep you company a bit more often in this early period. Are you coming down on Friday? and if so, can I take you back to our house for a bit after and let A. wreak havoc on our playroom while you sit and drink tea? My house is a mess, but you are welcome to some sitting time if you would like some. We can bring motherbumper or kgirl along, too, if you like.

Oh, HBM! I am hugging you, and hugging you! I felt much of what you described with baby #1, and I'm expecting baby #2 in October... but what I'm doing this time around, is getting an army of reserves ready. Zoloft? Sure. Friends and relatives to help? Yes. But most importantly, I'm getting zen with the fact that if I decide to go the way of the bottle, damned be the world. My kids need me, yours need you, and now is the time to do EXACTLY what it it that will lighten your incredible load. Take 10 minutes and think about what would give you a little solace, and do it. No guilt about what you did for #1 you must do for #2, I know that game as well. We are sending love and support. It's time for you to take take take, so you can give give give.

Oh, sweetie... IT WILL GET BETTER. And easier. Go very, very easy on yourself-- you are just doing the best you can.

Please DO ask for, and accept, help from those around you! You can't do this all alone-- you need time to rest and recover.

If you don't feel comfortable asking friends (and I know, I've been there-- I felt as though it would be admitting "defeat"), then call your local health unit. There are some wonderful organizations out there who visit new mothers, and lend a hand.

Always here for you if you need me-- say the word. I can cook, and I deliver!!

When I had my third my lovely husband at the time picked me up at the hospital drove in the yard set the baby in the door and left to go to a friend's 20 mins later my mother dropped off the other two and left, all three are 2 years apart, so there I was alone big fun ! Hopefully you will start feeling better soon and just remember you are not alone !

Oh, honey, that sounds *awful*! Definitely get some help. What about a postpartum doula? or a plain old nanny? someone who can rock the baby and keep the clothes on your daughter while you get some rest.

I had an extra pair of hands in the house for a month after my twins were born, and it sounds to me as though you're having a much tougher time than I did.

Being a mama is just so effen hard. I have been there, and some days, I am still there, although I took the babies off the boob several months ago. Breastfeeding was just TOO MUCH WORK for me, and I had to say no to something. My 32 weekers are fat, healthy and FORMULA FED! Only you can make the decision, but if formula makes you a happier, more rested, not in pain, mommy - how could that be a bad thing.

Hugs to you - and to Emilia and Jasper, who are so lucky to have a mommy who REALLY loves them.

Okay so I'm an ass for not emailing you because EVERY TIME I sit down at the email I want to email you and just say "I'm thinking about you" -- not because it's the right thing to say or whatever but because I really truly am.

I mean, as much think space that I have left, I spend it on you my friend because I know this is hard. I think we all can say this is hard and we feel the salty tears with you.

Sounds like you need to line up some scheduled help for the next few weeks/ months. There is no reason why you should have to cope with everything on your own. Hiring someone for a period of time would probably be the best option, as friends will not always be available. Get someone to take care of housework & laundry, watch your toddler and prepare some meals during the week and ask your husband to help out when he comes home. There is only so much a mother can do. Don't beat yourself up about crying in front of your daughter. You will feel better as soon as you get things under control. I wouldn't go down the medication route unless a doctor diagnoses PPD, but it's early days yet. With the right support structure, a healthy diet with vitamin supplements and more rest, you should be feeling better soon. Hiring help is not a luxury, it's a necessary investment.

So sorry to hear everything is so overwhelming at the moment and I wish we still lived in the area so we could help!If you need personal chef services, we've used Marg Krewen (http://www.hireachef.com/search/moreinfo/?id=2410), she's amazing and kind and her food is out of this world. Also, we can ask about a temporary nanny for you through Scooter's old baby sitter. We just need to know what city you're in. E-mail Mouse if you want us to do that.Know that we are thinking of you and hoping things improve rapidly!

It is hard, and you're reacting in a totally normal way. If the baby's age can still be reasonably measured in days, then you're still suffering a huge hormonal change, along with trying to heal your body and cope with a drastic change to your family, your routine, your life.

Just reading that gave me flashbacks of a year ago, when I was trying to manage much the same. It's OK to cry, to feel like you can't do it, and I promise it does get better.

There's a reason second babies learn things faster - it's because they have to for mom's sanity. You need to meet the base needs of each child, and then you must meet your needs, too. No one gets their "wants" until mama gets her needs.

And you need to give yourself some TLC, too. He won't remember if he cries for a few minutes because you really need the therapy of a quick, hot shower. And she can run around flaunting her nakedness for a little while so you can sit down and have a full meal. Housework can wait.

I also know you have a bounty of wonderful blog friends who don't live too far away. I'm sure some of them wouldn't mind coming by to help out a little. You know you'd do the same for them, so don't feel bad asking for some help.

I'm there with you, with my almost three year old and my seven week old. Yesterday was the first full day home alone with both of them. It was so much harder than I thought and I spent today thinking that I am not cut out to mother multiple children.

I hear you. And wish I lived closer so we could pool our resources. Take up those offers of help that are coming from the other commenters. You need some reinforcements.

oh, how i love you and i don't even know you. but i have been in that scary overwhelmed and overwhelming place, and i only had one baby to care for...if tears from strangers can carry love from one mother to another, i hope you can feel my support and empathy in your heart. do whatever you have to do to be a sane and present mommy to your babies. not that you don't already know this...you are, in more ways than i could ever explain without sounding insane, a particular role model in my pantheon of "mothers-i-admire." and your honesty in this situation may have actually moved you to the center of it! kisses, love, and hugs from far away...

I know exactly where you are. I wish that I lived closer and was able to offer some physical support!

Don't be afraid to get some help, if needed, since PPD is a chemical imbalance, not a failing. I've been battling this monster for 7 years now. It does get better. Heck, even asking a good lady friend to come and stay is sanity incarnate.

Meanwhile, like others have said, please take some time for yourself, even if it comes in the form of a hot 5 minute shower while baby Jasper bemoans his lack of boob.

My husband worked nights during the years my first three kids were born. Those long nights alone alone alone were so very hard. I cried a lot, too.

Everything I could say, you know already: it gets better, you learn ways to cope, etc. But the most important thing to tell you is that though you are alone in one way, you are not alone in another important way. We know what it's like. Our kids saw the same thing. We probably saw our mothers do the same thing when we were kids, and we don't even remember.

Your love is bigger than this moment, and that's what your kids will remember.

I am delurking -- I would suggest that you contact Public Health (they have nurses throughout ON who can come by and help out) or your doctor for some support. I sooo know where you are as I was there 6 months ago.

Have you thought about just discontinuing breastfeeding? I'm a huge proponent of it, but if it's adding that much stress and pain to your life, maybe stopping it, or, as others suggested, giving him a bottle or two throughout the day might help.

Oh, I have been there, like so many other women here. My meltdown happened at the dinner table with my 14 m/o and my 2 week old and lasted almost 24 hours.

Your reaction was completely normal and completely expected. Like major bedhead suggested, I decided to stop nursing for the sake of the sanity of myself and those around me who I love more than anything in the entire world. It was a terribly hard and disappointing decision and I hated myself for doing it. But I got over it and now several months later (my son will be 9 months next week) we are all happy and healthy.

Whatever you do, know you are a good mom who's trying her best, but if it's at all possible, please ask a friend or family member to come over and help. Like they say, it takes a village to raise a child and you are still healing and need the extra support.

All the suggestions I wanted to make have already been made, so I'll just say I'm thinking of all of you and if I weren't in South Texas I'd bring over a lasagna and some garlic toast and do 14 loads of laundry and anything else you might need a hand with...

HBM, I had the worst time trying to nurse my 1st daughter. She nursed all. . .the. . .time, cried when she wasn't latched on and then, to top it off, failed to gain any weight. I gave her a bottle of formula at 8 weeks and she was the calmest I'd ever seen her.

Many will say that I killed our breastfeeding relationship, but that isn't the case. I saved it and saved me. She got formula and nursed too, albeit at a more manageable pace. My milk had time to come in, I had time to relax. I weaned her at almost 3 (and that is years, not months). That bottle, as much as I resisted at first, was the best thing I ever did for our breastfeeding relationship.

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate as my youngest children are only 10 months apart. It was so hard at times. I too suffered through PPD. Don't be afraid to get some help for it. It's okay.

You don't have to breastfeed. When I had my first child I had a terrible time trying to get him to latch on. This was back in the day when they kept you in the hospital for a week and yes, I'm that old. Anyway, I was crying and having a terrible time and this lovely old nurse said to me, "You can use formula."

I know that breast is best but you also need your sanity my dear.

Is there anyone who can help you? A friend? A sister? Your mom? Two kids is hard, especially when you're still so sore.

As for your daughter seeing you cry, she'll realize her mom is human and that she gets sad sometimes, that it's okay to be sad sometimes. And it is okay to be sad, and yes, you wanted your son but babies are a time of monumental upheaval.

I live not far from B-ville (and my loveliest, dearest, oldest friend lives there -- in the older part of town, like you, I think) and I could offer some help, if you like.

My now almost-five-year-old left me and my breasts ravaged for weeks. On top of that, as another commenter related, my baby had "low sleep needs," as one MD termed it. She just catnapped for 20 minutes to an hour at a time *all day and all night* for a total of 8 or so hours in a 24-hour cycle. I was sad, miserable, sore and exhausted. Oh, and demoralized.

I don't know from PPD but I know about being (and see that you are) overwhelmed.

I agree with some previous posters ... anyone "real" in HBM's life she needs you. I appreciate that you've recently moved so your "real" people may not be close by. I also remember when I was having surgery with a very young child I didn't want to ask friends for help. It's hard. Really hard. But people do want to help so let them. And if you can't ... hire someone to help. Or do both. This will pass but until it does you need help, deserve help and will benefit hugely from help.

On the breastfeeding issues ... we had to introduce a bottle to our daughter (second born) early because of my surgery (she couldn't be with me in the hospital and my breast milk had to be dumped). Anyway, she has turned out to be perfect with a combination of breast milk and formula. My breast milk baby is also perfect. As a formula baby, I think I'm perfect. Do whatever you want/need to do but Jasper will be perfect with or without breast milk.

Please accept virtual hugs from a stranger. This hard time will soon be just a memory.

Hang in there, baby. I wish I could do more---if I lived nearby, you know, I (and dozens of the rest of us reading) would show up with food, magazines, distractions for your daughter, and do your laundry. We would.xoxo

Oh, friend. I'm afraid that I don't have any answers for you, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in the Snap. I've snapped many, many more times than it okay to snap. And as if the snap is not bad enough, but there should be guilt about the snap too? Can we muddle through this together? You are not alone. xoA

I have been there. And I agree that one of the very hardest things about having two is that they see us suffer, and grieve, and it is hard to hide it when it comes.

I don't want to advise, because I have read your blog long enough to know how wise you are already. But I will tell you this: I have two. And I have had days of sobbing, and ABSOLUTE overwhelm. And I have had to explain the crying, and the difficulties, to my watching son. And while I would give a great deal to never have shown him that weight, he is growing into one of the most empathetic, perceptive, and understanding people I know.

You know how, with the first, there is a long process of letting go of your preconceptions as you come to accept the reality of motherhood? For me, it came again with two. A second humbling, in which I had to accept even more of my humanity, even more letting of the greatness I had hoped for in exchange for an entirely different kind of great.

It's okay to snap sometimes. It's okay that she is learning, even now, how to live with courage. And I am 100% sure that you are teaching her that.

It is so hard. Breastfeeding even in the best of circumstances can be so isolating. I remember sitting in a room of ten people, and for some reason, as soon as I put baby to breast, I was invisible.

If you need medication for now or someone professional, I know you'll do what you need to do.

But, honestly, sometimes just having another person in the house helps.

We women aren't meant to be off alone in a house by ourselves with a newborn and a toddler. We're meant to be with our tribe of sisters and aunties. The Amish around here do it right...when a mom has a new baby, a 16 year old neighbor girl stays with the new mom for a few months and does all the cooking and cleaning for her. Others help with childcare and just being with the new mom.

We need more "new mom" tribes like this. Just like there is La Leche, we need groups of women - older and younger - to help just *be* with new moms.

This isn't something I've talked about publically on my blog, but one of the reasons why I started it because my mental health counsillor suggested I "Get a Hobby" when I was experiencing PPD symptoms(in my case anxiety) with Bub #2.

It was a rather bleak period. Writing about it (or not writing about it in my case) was a nice distraction. In your case, I hope it helps being buffetted by the kindness of friends and strangers. Perhaps in mine, things might've turned out more differently.

I feel for you. I've never met you and only just started reading your blog, but this hit close to home. I felt remarkably together and happy after my second child was born, but I lived in the seventh circle of hell for several weeks after my first, until my doctor gently suggested that I try antidepressants.

This post brought all of those emotions back to the surface - where crying only 3 or 4 times in a day was considered a "success". Where my poor mother couldn't go out for an evening in case I needed her. In one moment of dispair, I actually told my husband that we should have gotten a dog. I never want to feel that way again.

I sincerely hope that things start coming together for you soon. It's hard enough being a mom without all of the extra crap you're currently dealing with. I will be thinking of you. ((((hugs)))

I know exactly where you are coming from, and I only have one baby. He's 7 weeks old now, and as I commented on your previous post, we had the same problems with breastfeeding you are having. I also had a traumatic birth (emergency c-section), and my husband works long hours. I had been home from the hospital for about a week when I found myself sitting in bed with the baby, trying to get him to feed and at the same time not wanting him to feed because of the agony, and he was screaming, and I snapped. I'm so not proud of it, but I yelled at him (something along the lines of "For God's sake, Toby, I just want to sleep!!!"), and burst into tears, and could not stop. I think it's normal. There is a reason that they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture. And then you have a second child to care for as well. Hang in there, you're doing great, and, trite as it sounds, it will get better...

THIS TO SHALL PASS, I was there just a few weeks ago. My 7 week old still does not sleep through the night but it is getting better. I do find it hard to manage both kids (7 weeks and 22 months)but when hubby gets home I find reasons to go to the store alone to decompress.

I'm so sorry, Catherine. I know this is hard. I snapped after my second also - just sat on my bed, holding the infant and watching the toddler (18 months old) run berserk. Crying. And I wasn't even trying to breast feed.

You need to get some help. Maybe there's a nice teenager or even a 10 or 12 year old in the neighborhood who would come over and play with Emilia for a few hours a day and let you have a nice long hot shower. Even if you have to call an agency and get someone in for even part of a day, you need a few hours for you. Or you won't be good for them.

Don't worry about Emilia seeing you cry. She probably won't remember, and if she does, she will also remember that Mommy is human.

And I'm going to echo the rebels on here and suggest putting Jasper on a bottle. He's gotten the best of the breast feeding from you, the colostrum and immunities. There is no need to continue to hurt and torture yourself just because it's the best way to feed. You can do your bonding and loving by sitting in a rocking chair, feeding him a nice warm bottle of formula while you enjoy healed, non-painful nipples and perhaps a cup of tea, just sitting there rocking gently and loving your boy without pain. It shouldn't be agony for you. Babies grow up perfectly healthy with Similac.

And if you stop, it doesn't make you less of a mother. You are not failing, you are choosing. Think about it.

So, yeah, can you call in your mom or his to help? Get a good friend or other relative to come by for about 3 hours after toddler gets off from preschool? I think you need HELP, not necessarily drug help, more like an extra set of hands help, someone to sit and chat with whilst holding a never wants to stop eating newborn and toddler wrangling from the couch.

*I live near to a lot of my family- Most times I hate it because they tend to be nosy- after I had my daughter? They saved me. Someone would be sure to drop by every day and either do my dishes, fold my laundry, or watch the leach baby while I took a walk and cleared my head. It was a blessing.

I swear if I had the money I would fly right up there from Virginia and help you out. I had twins and I'll tell you it isn't easy with two. Please call anyone you know to come help you. A load of laundry and some cleaning never hurt anyone and I relied on my family and friends sooo much. I totally snapped one night when both of mine where crying and I couldn't figure out why. Turns out they had fevers and needed some Tylenol. The first time they had been sick. I had to call my mom at 2am to come over and tell me that.

I am soo with you hunny. I would help if I could get to Canada, I swear I would. My heart aches right now because I can't get to you to help you.

If I could I would totally come take care of you, Emilia, Jasper, and HBF for a while. House cleaning, laundry, and all...I'm so sorry sweetie. Just hang in there and call in those reinforcements!!!

I've been reading your blog for quite a while now, and as a new-ish mother find that you always put into words all of the things about motherhood - the good, the bad, the messy, the sad and the magical - that I never, ever could. Thanks for that!

Please know that we're all thinkin' about you. And yeah, like I said - hugs, sister, hugs.

oh catherine sending you a big hug.i know how hard it is with a newborn and a toddler. is there someone who can come and give you a hand? has your lactation consultant been any help for breastfeeding issues? catherine its ok and understandable that you are feeling anxious and overwhelmed right now.i could tell you it will get better (it does ) but that won't help you now. reach out to someone so that you don't feel so alone please.love and hugs to you LAVANDULA

I'm here too with the unpopular, but if you were my best friend I'd sit you down and grab your shoulders and say give that kid a bottle pep talk. Obviously I would want you to do what you want to do, but you NEED to hear that it's OK if it's JUST TOO MUCH with two. Because it is- it's OK. Completely OK.

I have one little guy, now 1 year old.A week after he was born my husband went back to his very demanding job and I have a vivid memory of holding my son in his nursery and sobbing alone. I am just feeling all the sympathy in the world for you and echo everyone else--it WILL get better, and ask for all the help you can. And neither kid will remember you crying so don't feel guilty about that, cry if you need to.

My best friend has a grandmother-in-law in her 90's. She is a hardy woman, who raised many children and lived her life on a farm. This same 90-year-old woman looked at my friend, when she had an infant and a two-year-old and said, "I don't know how you mother's do it today. In my day, a female relative would come and live with you to look after the house and children for six weeks after a baby's birth. We weren't even allowed to get out of bed for very long."

Six. Weeks.

I don't think we get long enough to heal, these days. I really don't. It will get better. Be kind to yourself.

I only breastfed my daughter until she was 5 weeks. Before that it was constant pain, torture, and not a happy experience for either of us. Now she is a healthy, happy almost 13 year old. I am not saying to stop, you need to make that choice, but maybe you can take a break? Can you get someone to come in and play with your daughter and help you out? Maybe a local teen on summer vacation. Just to give you a little break. I am sorry you are going through this!

Agreeing with Janet. They don't let us heal. When I was born, my mom didn't get out of bed until 2 weeks after the birth. When my kids were born, we had 4 to 5 days in the hospital with the kid in the nursery being cared for while we rested and prettied up for visiting hours and fed the baby and cuddled it for an hour on a regular schedule. Now these poor moms, even the ones with grueling delivery experiences, are thrown out the door of the hospital so fast, and expected to take care of everything just as they did before, and you CAN. NOT. DO. IT.

Catherine, sweetie, think of something that would get you some relief, and do it. Now. Don't worry over the kids, they'll be fine no matter what. It's you that needs the help, and if I could get there, I'd be knocking on your door right now.

You are an amazing mother to a wonderful little girl and boy, and all three of you are adjusting. You are amazing for sharing your feelings because you have let so many mothers realize that it is normal and OK to feel the way you do. You have let so many realize they are not alone in their experience. You are not alone. If I was not across the country I would come there, but other friends are their, have them come over. You know in your heart what is best for you, do what is best for you because whatever that is will be best for both WB and Chomper. You can not and do not have to be perfect. If you need to order in everyday for 6 weeks, do it. Hugs, prayers and everything else is being sent your way

My youngest is 18m in a few days, and only recently have I become more able to not collapse on the floor sobbing and more able to control the yelling I do. A few months ago during the most hectic time of the day (pre-dinner) I did just that. In the middle of trying to get dinner ready with one screaming and the other whining I just snapped and fell to the floor, sobbing and begging my 3.5yr old to please.just.stop. and that I.just.couldn't.take.it.anymore. He stopped, immediately, and watched. He watched the tears, he listened to Mommy sob, and he tried so very very hard to help. He tried everything his little 3yr old mind could think to make Mommy better. For days afterwards he asked if 'Mommy is sad?' and did 'Mommy need cry?' He's different since then, but not in a bad way. He's begun to vocalize his feelings more instead of just flipping out in a tantrum. He understands, perfectly and clearly, that when Mommy says "please no talking right now" that I mean it and he actually shuts up (for a good while) and becomes more patient.

For your daughter, she'll see it, and seeing it will help her become a more empathetic, considerate person. That doesn't make it easier on you, really, but know that she'll be ok.

with my one month old, i have noticed that if i swaddle him before i feed him, he will fall asleep no problem after he's done nursing, then i can just put him in the crib and he'll sleep for 4 hours. the 3 year old responds to me better if i'm not carrying around the newborn, and i'm less frazzled. i'm on my 2nd day alone with the 3 year old and the newborn..... we lost the lovey today so nap-time was interesting...

I am currently 35 weeks pregnant and I have been experiencing moderate depression this time around. When I "snap", and my very sensitive two year old is there, it just kills me more. She tells me that "it's ok, mommy" and to "stop crying, mommy". It kills me inside to know that she is so affected by my emotions and that I can't control them in order to protect her from the second-hand hurt I'm inflicting her with.

RIGHT after I had the Baby it was summer and I was home all day (and non-driving. in a small town) with a newborn who threw up all the time, a toddler and a six year old. I just about went crazy.And then I hired a handy 12 year old to hang out with me all day and keep the kids busy and play with 'em outside and stuff. ANd I lived happily and not too crazy ever after, the end.

Homeopathy is amazing for healing...and especially for your condition, the healing after such a traumatic birth and your breasts.

I know you live in Ontario. You can look at OHA website (Ontario Homeopathic association). You can find the homeopath background and make sure they are educated (college education) and are especially classical practitioner and make sure they have a good background in practice. If you ask OHA they will say all of the homeopaths that are registered are good. But the reality is that you have to find a homeopath that has experience with your condition. That not necessarily means years of practice but cases like you.

I wish I could tell you names but I feel if I do this then you would think I am promoting someone....that is not my intention at all. I am sincerely telling you, with your history of PPD and all that you are going through, homeopathy is a safe and extremely effective way with much much deep healing than Zoloft or Paxal or even crying all alone!Be well dear!l

Delurking to say that you are feeling what any normal person would feel in those circumstances. I snapped WAY worse than that with only one child. I won't offer any words of assvice since I a) don't really have any and b) remember how ever suggestion felt like a criticism or judgement in my hormone induced state.

Thank goodness these are transitional times. They don't feel it when you're in it but they pass. You will all be alright. (Ya, I'll go to hell...) And to think I was just over at Blogs are Stupid thinking fondly on having babies...How soon we forget!

Yeah. It's the worst between 6 and 8:30 pm. It must be very hard to have your daughter see you lose it, and worry about YOU. It's extreme compared to what you've experienced before together, but still in the realm of realistic and very unlikely long-term damage-creating.

I didn't have the traumatic birth you had, or the nursing problems, and I'm (pretty sure) I'm not depressed, but I certainly had regularly for the first month, and still occasionally, similar Can't Fucking Do It feelings, even four months after the birth of #2 (like you, with a two and a half year old in tow). Managing the needs of two at the same time is a complicated learning curve. My saviour was a cradle-style baby swing, and the baby has logged many many hours in there (more that I'd care to admit).

I found by the time my baby was 3-4 weeks old, the timing of their needs naturally staggered better and although I was constantly "doing", at least it was for one THEN the other... hopefully you'll get there soon.

My friend who had her baby at the same time as me and also has a toddler would get friends and neighbours to come and help her during the dinner/bath/bedtime frenzy when her husband was working, just to keep the child/adult ratio a little more equal: Is this in any way a possibility for you? If not, paid babysitter? An extra body to distract Miss E while you grapple with the nursing could take some heat off you.

Overwhelmed, lost, not knowing where to begin, or where to stop; the tears, the pain, the guilt, the sheer exhaustion. It's all normal, especially with the 2nd one. You try to be strong for the 1st, so that she doesn't see, doesn't worry. But you can't. And that's OK! It will get better as Jasper gets older, and Emilia will blossom into a big helper. Jasper is still so very new for all of you, but soon you'll find your rhythm. If you can, find a mother's helper for the afternoons or evenings or whatever the "witching hour" might be. And it can be Emilia's witching hour or Jasper's. Or yours! Whatever time you need the most help. Even an hour break can do wonders. Don't be afraid to ask for the help you need, whether it be babysitting, medicinal, or someone to talk to. You are surrounded by many folks who would love to help. All you have to do is ask. Peace, Catherine, and many, many hugs.

This is tough, motherhood is tough, and you're still in the adjustment phase right now - it will get better. It's okay to be overwhelmed. I'm sorry though, it's not easy to feel that way. I think it's a sign of health that you do know that you feel overwhelmed, and know that sometimes it's okay to just let go because there's nothing else you can do. I hope you feel better. (HUGS)

If you could i'd say hire a live in nanny to help with cooking and cleaning and basic child entertaining, or hire a post partum doula. get some help somehow, if you can afford it. I'm going to be in the same boat as you soon but we can't afford it, so I'll be using motherwort (a herbal narcotic excellent for mothers!) and blessed thistle, a herbal antidepressant type thing that's excellent for lactation as well. You could try those too :) Hope you feel better, it's so hard to have to do so much alone!

Oh, I am sorry, you sound overwhelmed! When my third child was born she had colic, my hubby had back surgery and I had 2 almost teen boys. Believe me it does get better. I would sit and cry for hours on end, I had no help for any of it. In fact, I know we ate every day, but I don't remember ever cooking! heh! You are a strong woman and if I can make it I know you will! I barely remember those 3 months, it may have something to do with the 3 hours of broken up sleep I got each night and no nap during the day.This will pass, let your HBF take the slack when he is home and try to rest when you can. Good Luck, my thoughts are with you and {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

yeah...been there, it started with the worst tantrum my two year old ever had, after a loooonngg day of tantrums and a newborn to take care of, and ended me calling my husband in tears and once he came home, me going to my room (baby attached to nip) to give myself a timeout-and i reeaaallly didn't want the baby there, but what choice did i have. I get it, it gets better.

about this time i started going to yoga once (or twice) a week-two hours to myself did the trick.

What a raw, powerful post. I'm crying - because of your pain and because, even though I didn't have PPD, I did have similar snap moments after the birth of my second child. It IS hard. It IS overwhelming - even under the best of circumstances, and with the hard birth and painful nursing and husband gone for long hours, your circumstances are hard right now.

I hope that you find some peace, HBM. It does get better - easier somehow.

i'm so sorry you're hurting. it's hard and i feel for you. I'm not going to tell you to quit breastfeeding or go on meds (you know what you need better than me), but I will tell you that your way of snapping is healthy, that your self-awareness is impressive and that if i lived near you I would be there in a heartbeat just to give you time to breathe and heal.

you are amazing and doing wonderfully, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

All I can offer is a giant hug and a prayer. This WILL get better--but I agree with a lot of the posters: It's time to pop the top on a can of formula and give your boobs and sanity a break. Just a supplimenetal bottle now and then won't hurt a thing--and you may find that he does better with the formula--just saying.

Alot of us have been where you are! We like to think we're superwomen...my son was just over 2 when his baby brother bounced his way into the world, and I thought I was going to lose my mind! It gets better- and now they are 6 and 4, and things are much, much easier.

I'm about an hour and a half's drive away - can I stop in and entertain your daughter?!Of course, I'm not necessarily the best person to help out as I continue to 'snap', dealing with a toddler and a 7 month old. Once, a few months ago, I just walked out of the house, I couldn't take it anymore. One of my coping strategies was to combination feed, and I only did that until baby was 6 months old. Do what you have to do to get yourself healed and in a better frame of mind. And I know everyone means well when they say it's going to get better, and yes okay it does, but it's still hard! At least for me.I wish you rest and healed breasts and some you-time...

Everyone has been so wise and insightful with these comments, I'm not sure what I can add. When you have two, breastfeeding becomes that much more difficult. And when you're in pain, from birth and ravaged nipples, and sleep-deprived on top, with another child that needs tending to, holy hell, how is one supposed to stay calm?

It gets so much better. If you feel like you can't nurse anymore, that's what you need to do. If you want to continue, several commenters on your last post recommended that APNO from Dr. Newman. I'll say it again, it saved my nipples and my sanity.

I hope you feel buoyed by the virtual support of your blog friends. We're certainly thinking about you.

Reading this reminded me of early last year when I was first left alone with my twin boys. The thing that I didn't do, that I should have done, was ask for help. Ask for what you need, you don't have to do this alone. And know that you are heard by people who do care and are sending you positive thoughts/prayers.

you've written an amazing post, a post almost all of us mothers could have written.

you've gotten good advice, and I hope you don't find it even more overwhelming. maybe you just had to vent.

but if you need help, please get it. I distinctly remember crying as my parents were walking out the door, after two weeks, leaving me with a newborn and a two-year-old, and thinking, "No way can I do this."

But I did. I was fortunate in several regards: no boob pain; in-laws nearby; no PPD. But that overwhelmed feeling will keep happening. I hate to be redundant, but: it does get better. Seeing my two girls together now (1 and 3 years old) is so overwhelmingly wonderful now, that I know those early days of pain and panic were worthwhile. I look forward to reading the posts that you tell us those stories. You will have them.

I have been there, right there! When I brought Drew home Madison was 14 mo. I thought I was going to die my first day alone. It was terrible. I felt guilty for being so overwhelmed.

For me, Zoloft never really helped-just kind of gave me a disconnected feeling. From everything. I never found the miracle drug...I wish I had. Life is a lot easier now, with them both able to walk. You will get into a rythm and everything will fall into place.

C, just wanted to sent you a huge cyber hug ... it IS so difficult, especially during this time when baby #2 is first here...and I didn't even have as difficult a time as you with childbirth nor painful BF (mind you, I was frustrated with lack of milk, another story). And your history of PPD compounding it.

My husband travelled a lot the first year little G was here; I lost it in front of the kids more than a handful of times, believe me.

I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said. Our society doesn't carve out the time for women after birth that we need to heal. My in-laws are Ethiopian, and their tradition is that for 40 days after birth, the mother does nothing but nurse the baby. Community and family take care of all housework, etc. I hope you can get help with the house, the cooking, your lovely daughter, and the BF issues. Hang in there! As an aside, I think it's amazing that you are continuing with the breastfeeding - even with a perfect latch, it is still painful at the beginning, regardless of what the LCS say (in my case, anyway!). And, once there is any damage to the nipple at all, it is excruciating, even if the latch is corrected. When my first child was one month old, I woke up thinking, "I can't bear this pain any more, and I am quitting." And, that day, it suddenly hurt 50% less than it did the previous day, so I kept on. Maybe she grew, maybe the latch was better, I don't know. Hugs and comfort!

I know.... I have those moments now. When she won't listen and he keeps crying.

The breastfeeding will get better. You'll get some sleep and it will get better. The first weeks are, indeed, HARD (in so many ways). Trust me. It's hard, but you will adapt. And, if you can't, I have the best postnatal psychiatrist in the city -- at Mount Sinai Hospital. She got me through both my pregnancies. I will happily give you her contact info....

Thank you for your honesty. Always.After reading this post, I thought about you all weekend and was picturing you crying in the corner. It really broke my heart. I am glad things are going a little better.I have had issues with anxiety and depression all my life. I am currently not taking anything because I'm still pregnant (and while some meds are fine to take while pregant, it's just not for me)and want to hold off. My doctor has zoloft waiting for me the moment I deliver. Some people have diabetes and need insulin. Other people have depression and need anitdepressants. That's how I see it now. Not sure if you are in the same boat as me but if you think you are, the medicine works.Take care, Tina

for Feck's sake Cath, makes sure you're getting whatever help you need, will you? I remember the first time T asked me if she hurt me (when I was crying) and indeed, it nearly shattered me into teeny bits.