Posts tagged ‘Dysfuction’

A little bit of American history died yesterday, but we found out about it today. She was famous, or more accurately INFAMOUS, for all the “accomplishments” she managed to RACK up during her lifetime. She literally made it HARD for anyone to not know her name. When she was good, she was very GOOD in so many bad ways, so I guess that Billy Joel’s theory of dying young is TECHNICALLY correct as to how good one is at execution if you want to put the right spin (or torque) on things.

Marilyn Chambers was found dead at her home on Sunday, April 12th, at the age of 56 by her daughter. I didn’t see any cause of death as of yet, although I’m sure many rumors will be bandied about. Whatever your feelings about erotica or in her case, plain ole in your face porn, you were probably at least aware of her name or contribution to the age of free love throughout the 70’s and 80’s.

Chambers was best known for her role in Behind the Green Door,a film which premiered in 1972 to a standing ovation at the Cannes Film Festival. Although she attempted a more normal career in Hollywood, it was not to be. She found her niche in being naughty and took full advantage of her talent and ass-ets to titillate a generation.

A few facts about Ms. Chambers that you might not know..(pay attention, you never can tell when you’ll need such important knowledge to win a rabid round of Trivial Pursuit, the Porn Edition!)

Marilyn was born in Westport, Connecticut in 1952 (just goes to show that you can overcum stoic genes. She grew up amongst stiff upper lips, then proceeded to make other things stiff her entire life)

Her first modeling job was as the mother cradling the innocent baby on the Ivory Snow box with the slogan of being the “99 and 44/100% pure” girl. She should have gone for that last .66 percent since she was dropped from the campaign once her other “talents” came to light. (Hmmm..could that be where the definition of “slapping and tickin’ the Ivories” came from?)

Ms. Chambers appeared in 27 films (ummmm…movies? I don’t think she was ever nominated by the Academy for an award, although I’m sure she serviced a few of the members)

Marilyn was a very patriotic girl. In 2004 United States Presidential election Chambers ran for Vice President on the Personal Choice Party ticket, a quasi-libertarian party. She received a total of 946 votes. In the 2008 United States presidential election she was again Charles Jay’s running mate, albeit a write in candidate this time. Hey, she was very interested in servicing her country…the whole country…literally!!!

In the film Behind the Green Door, Chambers had sex with the well-endowed African-American actor Johnny Keyes. She also fainted at the end of one scene lasting over 45 minutes. The porn industry and viewing public were shocked by the then-taboo spectacle of a white woman having sex with a black man. (Chambers’ parents refused to talk to her for several years after the film’s release, but eventually reconciled with her).

To make her parents just a little bit more proud, she was supposedly one of the few actresses that could fully deepthroat John Holmes’ erect penis. Isn’t that what every Mom and Dad hope their daughter will grow up and have listed on her list of accomplishments?? (I wonder what they had on their refrigerator to commemorate her talents??)

She was married three times and had one daughter.

She was reputedly one of the first porn actresses to have her genitals pierced. (ouchie)

So, in a era of free love, Farrah Fawcett posters and Playboy bunnies parading around the mansion and pages of the magazine, Marilyn Chambers managed to be a stand-out among her peers. To say she was an American icon, even one of irreputable fame, is accurate. She helped to shape some of our formative years right along with more “mainstream” actresses such as Diane Keaton in Looking for Mr. Goodbar. While her contributions were never considered art, they were un-apologetically a commentary of the sexual revolution in our country.

Like her or disapprove of her career or behavior, if you are a baby boomer, you either knew of her or some even learned a few of their current “love” moves from watching her performances. She will forever GO DOWN in history as someone that shaped a generation, in ways large and small.

The world has watched for weeks as North Korea has done exactly as it said it was going to do. Thanks to the obtrusive capabilities that Google Earth now provides us all to spy on cheating spouses and now Communist countries, even Joe Schmo could peek in on all the activity on the launching pad halfway around the world.

They said they were going to send a “communication satellite” into space. They hauled out a rocket. They fueled it. The world watched and used their “serious” words to tell them not to do it. President Obama and Secretary Clinton shook their fingers and stomped their feet in our stead, promising all sorts of dire consequences if North Korea stood by their word and dared to actually do what they said they were going to do. We all watched and waited and whined. China stood by figuratively giggling at the comotion and impotent threats from the “super powers” and chose to do nothing to intervene.

Yet on Sunday morning, amidst all the tempest in a teapot, North Korea made good on their word. They did exactly what they said they were going to do and launched their new playtoy for all the world to see, effectively thumbing their nose at all the other kids on the playground. They provided the potential buyers for their wares, any potential future terrorists (oh, excuse me, the bringers of man-caused disasters), a wonderful demonstration of the viability of their product.

While the world watched and whined. Our President promised a STERN united international response. (What would that be, yet another visit to the UN’s dreaded “Time Out Chair?”)

A lot of good that did. Somehow I get the feeling that there was no shaking in their collective boots going on. The North Koreans proved once again today that they are better at playing chicken than we are.

Our President today got up in front of his teleprompter and fired off a very stern lecture toward the North Korean government. He raged and promised that the UN was going to hear about this!! (shouldn’t they already have known all about it?) He declared that this will not be tolerated. Of course that statement is like closing the barn door after the horse is running for the hills. It doesn’t have to be tolerated, it’s already done.

The North Koreans today put into practice what many people spout off as rhetoric. They showed in graphic form that it is easier to ask for forgiveness rather than permission. The only caveat to that is, of course, they don’t plan to ask for forgiveness. They simply intend to thumb their nose at the rest of the world and do as they please. A few more ineffective sanctions from the UN aren’t going to deter or even make them think twice the next time they plan to behave badly.

I will admit that one thing President Obama said today was very true. He declared as he did often on the campaign trail as well, that “Words matter”.

Indeed they do. North Korea took that phrase to heart and demonstrated it in no uncertain terms.

They said they were going to launch their rocket, and today, they did.

Who is standing by their words now? The North Koreans that did what they said they were going to do and carried through or the rest of the world issuing their stern warnings and impotent sanctions yet again?

Unfortunately for us all, the question is a no-brainer and the majority is proving to be the ones drawing the short stick.

Heaven forbid we hurt any feelings or actually take a stand.

To do so would denote that a strength of spirit and will is still alive and well in the United States of America. We can’t have that anymore, now can we?

A budget of 3.6 TRILLION dollars was passed yesterday on Capitol Hill.

We pledged to contribute to another TRILLION dollars to the IMF at the G-20 summit.

We are throwing hundreds of billions of dollars each week, it seems, to BAIL-OUT (not recovery and re-investment) yet another company that is deemed “too big to fail”. In the process, we are now also seeing the government step into the fray in the attempt to legislate the salaries of private citizens.

Our calculators do not even go up to a trillion.

We are throwing around money like it’s a bizarre monopoly game and it’s not real to any of us. It’s so far out of the realm of imagining for any average/normal American, that it’s like dealing in fantasy. I’m not sure that even the politicians doling out our grandchildren’s future have any true concept of the true amount involved. It’s mind boggling to even consider.

…and yet, we “spend” (at least on paper) more and more each day to “solve” our problems. Nevermind the problems that we are creating in the process. The current theory is that we’ll deal with those potential problems when we have to.

It seems that Scarlett O’Hara’s reasoning has taken over Washington and the Congress and administration, along with many Americans, are now thinking…

“Oh, I can’t think about this now! I’ll go crazy if I do! I’ll think about it tomorrow. But I must think about it. I must think about it. What is there to do? What is there that matters? After all, tomorrow is another day!”

To put the concept of exactly how much a TRILLION dollars is into perspective, here are 15 Trivia facts about what that amount of “play” money could do…

A trillion dollars, in one-dollar bills, lined up end to end, can circle the earth about 3800 times.

A trillion dollars, single-stacked in one-dollar bills, would stand about 679,000 miles high; almost three times farther than the moon.

A trillion dollars worth of pennies, stacked in a single stack, would reach about 79,000,000 miles high; over three-quarters of the distance to the sun.

A trillion dollars, laid out flat with one-dollar bills, would cover an area of nearly 4000 square miles; nearly enough to cover the state of Delaware, not once, but twice; and it could cover Washington D.C. with about 2 1/2 inches of one-dollar bills.

A trillion dollars, strung end to end across the United States and stacked in a single-line stack, would build a wall 115 feet high across the country.

A trillion dollars, even in 100 dollar bills, stacked in a single stack, would reach over 6700 miles high.

A trillion dollars, in 100 dollar bills, lined up end to end, would circle the globe about 39 times.

To spend a trillion dollars in one year, you would have to spend $2,739,726,027.39 each and every day.

To spend a trillion dollars in ten years, you would have to spend $273,972,602.73 each and every day.

To spend a trillion dollars in an average lifetime (72 years), you would have to spend $38,051,750.38 each and every day.

The weight of a trillion dollars, in one-dollar bills, is about 1,093,750 tons; about as much as 15 Queen Elizabeth II cruise ships (Gross Tonnage).

A trillion dollars in one-dollar bills would take about 32,000 years to count, assuming a counting rate of a dollar per second, and counting for 24 hours each day, seven days a week. No food, no sleep, no breaks.

A trillion dollars in one-dollar bills, placed on the center line of America’s nearly 4 million miles of roadways in a single-line stack, would create a stack over 1 1/2 inches thick, or 38 layers.

A trillion dollars could purchase over 3 million of the most expensive Rolls Royce autos.

A trillion dollars could purchase over 2.5 million of the most expensive Lamborghini sports cars.

Money, Money, Money by Abba

I work all night, I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay
Ain’t it sad
And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me
That’s too bad
In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy man
I wouldn’t have to work at all, I’d fool around and have a ball…

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man’s world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It’s a rich man’s world

A man like that is hard to find but I can’t get him off my mind
Ain’t it sad
And if he happens to be free I bet he wouldn’t fancy me
That’s too bad
So I must leave, I’ll have to go
To Las Vegas or Monaco
And win a fortune in a game, my life will never be the same…

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man’s world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It’s a rich man’s world

It’s a rainy Thursday here in Georgia and as I peruse the latest headlines, it seems as if absurdity is, as usual, running rampant. What would we do without a little comic relief to make the world a little more interesting place to live in?

Remember, the truth IS truly stranger than fiction!! (or as we say in the South, “You can’t make this sh*t up!!)

One of my favorite stories this week comes from Florida. A woman called 911 in a panic. Apparently she locked herself INSIDE her car and was starting to get “all woozie and stuff” because it was hot and she couldn’t get out. According to her, the car wouldn’t start and nothing electrical would work!!

I give kudos to the emergency operator for being able to handle this potentially tragic situation without collapsing from laughter. She managed to guide the poor soul through manually unlocking her door and the woman was able to escape the death trap of her own car!! Crisis averted! Start the blonde jokes now, regardless of the color of her hair.

**********************************************

A totally “normal” gentleman in Britain was caught naked at a beauty spot with a flashlight stuck up his rear. told cops he was DEPRESSED. Herbert Boothroyd, 61, said he had wanted to “cheer himself up”. (UP being the operative word) As two women passed, he continued cheering himself UP and waved hello. He later also exposed himself to two teenage boys as he sat completely naked on a park bench. Mr. Boothroyd was spared jail time however, because the police say he came clean about having the flashlight and stick up his backside, citing depression as he confessed to his transgressions. He got probation for 2 years and was ordered to attend a sex offenders group.

Personally I think he should have been banned from hardware stores as well. He seems to take the term “hardware” to a whole ‘nother level of interpretation. Something like a kid in a candy store perhaps? No telling what he might find to relieve himself next time he’s a bit down in the dumps. (pun intended)

******************************************************

Back we go to Florida for another sign of the dumbing down of society in general. In the town of Umatilla, a 37 year old woman was arrested after being accused of beating her 69 year old boyfriend in the head while he was in the shower. According to the police report, the boyfriend was taking a shower at the Umatilla home when Sandy Jo ripped the shower curtain off the rod and began screaming at him, accusing him of having an affair with another woman. He didn’t report the incident for a couple of days (ummm..perhaps because he had been beaten up by a girl AND caught having an affair??) As she was taken off to jail, Sandy Jo said she should have hit him harder and was going to get even with him for cheating AND for having her arrested.

I’m betting Viagra had a little something to do with a 69 year old male not only playing house with a psychotic 37 year old, but also feeling cocky enough to bump boots with another woman as well. Moral of the story? Don’t come home drinking and cheatin’ with lovin’ on your mind! (Or take a shower without an armed guard)

*****************************************************

It seems as if there has to be a condition or acronym for everything these days. Apparently it’s not good enough anymore to be a nymphomaniac, now you have PSAS or as it’s more commonly known, Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome. Men, I’m sorry, you can’t claim this syndrome, it’s exclusively a woman thing (as if we need one more thing!) Of course, I’m sure men everywhere will now try to benefit and form support groups to “comfort” and be there for any woman afflicted with this condition. Y’all are good like that.

This alarming condition (that wasn’t “discovered” until 1991?) is one that causes some women to live perpetually at the brink of orgasm. I saw it described as absolutely “nightmarish”, I guess by the women, but I suppose the men that had to service them might find it a bit taxing at times too. I have a hard time thinking that the men would describe it as a nightmare..maybe a dream cum true instead?

Two thoughts come to mind…well, to MY mind anyway.

One, maybe the men that take Viagra and have the dreaded erections that last for more than 4 hours (or priapism) should be matched with women that “suffer” from PSAS. Problem solved.

Two, if you have this condition, I’d buy stock in the Dollar Tree. Just the “up” surge in battery sales from taking care of this would ensure a massive rise in their bottom line! In both cases, my ideas would at the very least keep everyone going and going and going! 😉

*******************************************************

The much maligned Washington, DC school districts are not doing their own image any good. They just can’t help shooting themselves in the foot. Oh wait though, aren’t guns outlawed in DC? I digress, back to the school system.

The school board came out this week with new tougher guidelines for the school dress code. They REALLY mean it this time too! Are they bringing in school uniforms? Oh no! Hats, see-through clothes and accessories with protruding metal spikes are some of the items that are prohibited in the expanded policies. The new policy does NOT however, allow officials to suspend students who do not comply. Boy, that’s a policy with bite huh??

They did also say that school officials should be prepared to provide extra clothes for those that cannot afford new ones. It specifies that it should be “gender neutral” clothing.

Personally I’m thinking if anyone wears clothes with metal spikes or that is see through, they should be REQUIRED to wear gender opposite clothing and be on display. A day of cross dressing just might make them think twice about their outfits in the future. On second thought, with today’s teenagers, it might start a trend. Never mind.

****************************************************

With the world economy in the state it’s in, this story is absolutely “heartwarming” to those of us with college age kids. Colleges in the South have always been notoriously competitive. Everyone knows that you don’t mess with the SEC when it comes to college football!!

Alabama and Auburn are fighting for the title of most likely to raise tuition this year.

Auburn trustees announced that they spent $500,000 this fiscal year to fly administrators and trustees on their TWO private corporate jets to wherever the heck they flew them to. (Important football games and such I’m sure)

Alabama couldn’t quite match their feat. They only have one jet (must be because football probation cut into their income the past few years), so they were only able to waste…ummmm, spend…30,500 in travel and their trustees were rarely on board for any flights.

These are two universities we are trusting to turn out the future fiscally responsible leaders for the coming years. With these stellar examples being set by their bastions of higher education, what could go wrong??

*********************************************************

Last but certainly not least, a little advice for the men from a couple of newly completed studies that have recently published their results. (I can’t believe our tax money actually pays for some of this) Okay, here we go…

First..if you’re bald, there is now proof that you aren’t scoring as often as your counterparts with hair. MEN with a full head of hair are five times more likely to get a date than those who are thinning on top, a study shows.

This study was conducted by posting identical profiles on an online dating site where the only difference was the photo of the male. One photo showed a male with a full head of hair, the other with the same male sans hair. Over the next two months, the profile with hair received 108 replies, while the bald counterpart only had 22 responses. An expert in such things has suggested that it might be attributed to the fact that hair is associated in nature and history with virility. (think Samson in the Bible) Take it with a grain of salt (or a wig)

Study #2 pertains to a sense of humor. Having trouble getting the ladies to fall into your bed? Try cracking a few jokes!! I kid you not!!! (nudge, nudge…get it??).

It has been shown and allegedly proven (at least a time or two) that funny men laugh ladies into bed because they’re seen as ‘more intelligent’. A study has found that a sense of humor “makes men seem more intelligent, trustworthy, and a better bet for a relationship”. Imagine that!

Personal ads were drawn up for the study and women were asked to rate them and choose the men they would most likely answer or want to date. The men that showed a sense of humor in their ads were rated as more intelligent, despite the fact that the ads contained no clues as to their IQ. They were also seen as more honest and better material for a relationship and for friendship.

So, in closing…I conclude that all is not lost for anyone that might be starting to thin on top or be completely bald. The answer is obvious! If you’re not getting laid, rent some 3 Stooges videos and brush up on your yuck (as in HA, HA) factor. (as opposed to an actual yuck, stalkerish or unfaithful qualities of course, those personality quirks just might get you arrested or beaten up by your girlfriend rather than laid ..reference story #1) I’m thinking that sense of humor would trump the bald study thingy hands down. Problem solved for all!

Hmmmm…maybe I should receive a grant for doing a remarkably exhaustive “study” and giving such sage excellent advice that solves all of our dating woes!! After all, I’m worth it!

“Let me be clear, the government has no interest in running GM or the car industry. The government has no intention of running GM.”

Translation: Well, other than firing the CEO, telling them what to cars to make, mandating a merger with an overseas company, having government backed warranties and withholding any more funds if you don’t do everything we tell you to do, the way we tell you to do it…we won’t be running the car industry. Of course none of that would fall into the category of full oversight of the company, does it?

As a country, we have been edging down a slippery slope for weeks now. The pace is picking up and we are now starting a full blown slide down said slope and straight to hell in a handbasket. The question many of us are starting to have is, where will it all end? Will it end at all or is this just beginning of a fundamental change in our country and of the constitution set up to define it. We are approaching or already in very dangerous territory and not even pretending to tread lightly anymore.

The firing (okay, technically if we use the administration’s current wordplay game of semantics, the “strong suggestion that he should step aside”) of GM CEO Rick Wagoner today signals a shot across the bow to American companies, both private and public. If you accept or are forced into taking government funds, your job security is now dependant on the whim of those in Washington. We are putting CEO’s and boards of companies, private and public alike, on notice. If the powers that be don’t agree with the way you run your business, with the products you produce or in your plans to restructure the company, all bets are off. You can now be taken over by the federal government.

There is a lot of blame/credit to go around on every side. This is not a partisan issue. In the car industry and large financial firms especially, the rousing battle cry of a company being “too big to fail” is what caused a lot of the chaos we have gone through and have yet to experience. That premise has proven to be a fallacy in thinking. In the case of GM and AIG in particular, after sinking billions upon billions of dollars into the death stars of these corporations, the only option for GM still may be to declare bankruptcy and restructure as they should have months ago. AIGwas the poster child for public outcry last week as Congress on both sides of the aisle, whipped up outrage and mob mentality as a means of diversion over bonuses that were paid. The only problem was, many of those so outraged in the Administration, Congress and the Treasury Department, knew of the bonuses to come ahead of time and tacitly signed off on them weeks before they were given out. When the constituency was paying attention and started an outcry, then the backpedaling and un-constitutional passage of a tax bill by the House occurred. Bus tours were arranged by an offshoot of ACORN to intimidate executives scared for their families to give back money that everyone in power knew they were going to receive.

Over the past 2 to 3 decades, we have all experienced and enjoyed the times of excess run amok in our society. Many of us learned to live above our means rather than to stay within our attainable financial boundaries. We became spoiled and used to having all we needed or being able to attain it through credit lines that freely flowed. We had a false sense of security and thought our lives would never change.

Corporations in America and around the world were no different. As long as the profits were flowing in, everyone prospered and took full advantage of the times. The fat cats lived high on the hog and every angle was worked to it’s full advantage even by the most casual investor. We were told that the Stock Market was golden and the only way to go in saving for retirement was through our 401 K’s.

Then things ground to a halt. The market started the plummet to half it’s former glory. Credit dried up. Everyone panicked. The world markets also started to show the cracks that had been hidden for years. Jobs were slashed at an alarming rate even in industries that had been considered untouchable in the past. Spending, by necessity, also had to be curtailed as we all learned our lives as we had been living them, had changed.

As in any situation, as we are finding out, if you put a harsh light on a problem, it’s many imperfections and flaws start to show. Many of the companies that for years appeared to be bastions of stability, have been revealed to have been concealing many fissures and fatal flaws that were allowed to get worse over many years. Any house of cards, when it gets high enough, will tumble to the ground if the underlying structure is not sound. Tumble we did and we are still in free fall.

So with today’s actions, not only was free enterprise and capitalism put on notice in America, we as citizens were too. If we are smart, we will sit up and take notice and continue to pay attention to each little bit of control being given over to the government. The bits and pieces of what are seemingly small things right now, will start to add up. Left unchecked, we will surely look back in a few years and wonder where our country and freedoms went.

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.” Lord Acton, 1887

A Stupid Person’s Guide to Online Flirting 101

(Disclaimer: Not meant for the Habitual Collector of Conquests…Players Are On Their Own When It Comes To Making Total Fools of Yourself and Others)

Flirting has apparently become a lost art. While it’s true that some still appreciate and know how to employ the subtle nuances and intricate dance of approaching someone in a flattering and intriguing manner, of knowing that less is indeed more…it appears more and more as I look around, that flirting is quickly approaching being added to the endangered relationship quality control list. Admittedly..flirting, if done correctly, is a little more difficult. It takes time and thought to actually summon up some imagination, rather than to act like a lounge lizard or truck stop Sally in heat sweet talking as many potential play buddies as you can at one time in the hopes that possibly ONE of them might swallow your lines.

This applies to both women and men. While it’s true, a lot of men would be receptive to a woman offering themselves to them, the old adage is also true. Men do indeed love to date fast women, but when it comes to taking them seriously for anything long term, most will still pick someone that can be a tiger in the bedroom, but one that can be a lady when needed in public. Many women seem to equate a man’s interest in sleeping with them as true love.

I’m sorry to burst your passion bubble, and this really applies to men and women both as well, but having sex with someone and expecting them to fall madly in love with you simply BECAUSE you’ve shared your body with them, is doing the whole relationship thingy backwards and is totally unrealistic. While I’m sure some of you ladies can indeed suck the chrome off a trailer hitch or that you gentlemen are literal non-stop jackhammers of passion, after the sex is over, there has to be more there. You might ACTUALLY have to talk to the other person or deal with life issues.

So, here are a few suggestions at online flirting do’s and don’ts…in no particular order. There are also a few embedded comments in bold that I’ve actually received over time from those that are under the illusion that they might be Don Juan reincarnated. Suffice it to say, none of them elicited more than an eye roll. Trust me, some of this I couldn’t make up if I tried.

1. The first key to successful flirting is not an ability to show off and impress, but the knack of conveying that you like someone. If your ‘target’ knows that you find him or her interesting and attractive, he or she will be more inclined to like you. The wrong way to do this is to send a message such as “you so hot love to poor warm fudge all over you yum I like to add you to my friends list so we can chat.” Now while the warm fudge sounds appealing if you’re offering to buy me ice cream..coming from a total stranger, it will just make most roll their eyes or laugh outloud.

2. Effective flirting really is a skill that requires you to be confident without being over the top. If you overstep your boundaries, it’s very likely that the lady will think that you are “slimy”. If you hold back, it’s probable that she’ll find you “wimpy”. Ladies, the line that you’re walking should be somewhere between “slutty” and “nun like”. Aim for the middle ground. Do not begin contact with someone new by sending them a lovely picture of your meat mallet or love pillows and expect anyone that isn’t pay-by-the-hour, ripe for sexually transmitted diseases, or looking for the affection (insert potential stalker here) they were denied as a child to respond in a serious manner. Do not get offended if there are those that instead of ignoring you, point out your shortcomings or sag-ability factor. You asked for it.

3. Ooze confidence (and no other bodily fluids). Successful flirts have a positive outlook on life. You need to transmit that “feel good” factor. No one wants to pay attention if you’re always screaming that the sky is falling or that someone peed on your parade.

4. Don’t be rude. Flirting does not give you the right to be sexually explicit nor does it mean that you should take offense if your target doesn’t respond favorably to you. If they isn’t interested in your particular way of wooing, save yourself the trouble and move on to your next prospect. If you find that you’re receiving many rejections, you will want to reconsider your approach. Bottom line is, if you wouldn’t say it in real life to someone of the opposite sex, it’s not appropriate or appealing online simply because you’re pulling out your male whore or female slut side and letting it rule and you think it doesn’t count because you’ll probably never see them face to face. Or if you do end up bumping uglies, that you’d never have to see them again.

5. Sincerely compliment something that interests you about them. If you are truly interested in someone, there will be something nice that you can find to say and mean it without using empty words. This is an example of one such approach that starts out okay (for the most part), but then crashes and burns in a spectacular. “My name is Clint. I’m not sure how to say this but Ill just do what I always do, speak my mind.. I think you are a very sensual and sexual Lady. I don’tmean to be vulgar or offend you in any way but d*mn babe I would so love to taste you. Have a great day.”

Take note…apologizing before or after an inappropriate comment is like closing the barn door after the horse has already been knocked up…not worth much. An apology for saying something you already know is wrong is just stupid and shows that you have no concept of what is appealing or not to the opposite sex.

While we’re on the subject, it’s probably also not a good idea to mention your spouse (wife or husband) in a complimentary message to someone you want to impress. For example…”i wish my wife had a body like you let me say you have a fit body i think you exercise every day.” *rolling my eyes* (See “being a sleeze” above)

6. When you decide to flirt or flat out present yourself to someone new as one that might be interesting or of worth, find a spell-checker or get someone that has a passing relationship with grammar to proof-read it for you. Nothing is less appealing than appearing to be ignorant, whether you really are or not. An example…”Eyes closed:-$,heart beating fast8-}…..arms trightly held around ur body pressed mine…>:D<….slowly gently ur sweet lips brush with mine:-*:x:x“.

Bonus tip: Try to actually spell out words without using chat abbreviations and remember if you’re not talking on messenger, those “cute” little emoticon things just look ridiculous if typed out in a message…especially coming from a total stranger.

7. While I know it’s tempting and fairly easy, especially online, to find one babe/hunk you like and then go through their entire list of friends, putting the same smarmy comment on every hot person’s page you see and begging them to add you because THEY are the one…the epitome of everything you find attractive in a potential conquest…it’s just not very smart and makes you look lazy and/or insincere! *gasp!!* I know, I know…it’s hard to believe that ANYONE online wouldn’t be totally sincere with each and every syllable typed, but yes, I hear it does happen. Not that I’VE personally ever seen it, maybe it’s an urban legend, right along with the fact that pigs don’t fly and that sarcasm isn’t a form of communication and conveys true feelings. If you must go through lists, mining for your targets, at least be original when you post comments. I know it’s hard to believe, but your victim, “might” actually notice a pattern.

8. Humor IS sexy. Not just the forwarding of jokes, but things that show you have a personality or the ability to laugh at yourself. Humor and flirting go hand in hand, just like peanut butter and jelly. You can’t have one without the other. If you’re too intense all the time, that’s a red flag, not a sign of your devotion.

I, of course, am the exception to this rule. After I had to put to rest that NASTY online rumor that I was FUN or that I had a sense of humor (can you imagine someone saying such things about me??) a few weeks back, I can’t afford to have that misconception get started again!! I mean imagine, me?? Fun??? Just ask the Yankee. *wink*

9. Don’t try so hard. There are times when hard is a good thing *wink*..but when you’re flirting, that’s not it. Men or women, when trying to crawl over each other to outslut each other with comments or pictures, just shows that you must be lacking in one or more areas of your life. While I know the reasons some give on here for using fake pictures, none of them hold water. I don’t care if you are worried about someone stealing your picture, put one up of your face that’s not anything you’d be ashamed of someone you know seeing, then if someone uses it, so the hell what? The world will still be spinning tomorrow. It’s just not that big of a deal unless you make it a big deal. Of course, some want the attention of crying foul and getting sympathy.

If you’re butt ugly, but speaking as if you’re God’s Gift to the opposite sex, that’s just false advertising. If you’re that ashamed of yourself, then retreat back into real life and quit leading people on.

The “I have an important job and/or don’t want to take the chance of compromising myself” or “I’ll send it privately because I don’t want anyone to see me” excuse is just pathetic. First of all, you’re just not that important. Secondly, the FBI may indeed wander through here, but it’s highly unlikely you’ll catch their eye unless you’re a 10 most wanted, in which case, your picture is already displayed at the Post Office. I hear these excuses and automatically think…married or hiding from something/someone or a coward.

Obviously I don’t think that tasteful sexy pictures are a bad thing or a bad way of flirting, just remember the basic guidelines…less is more..always leave ’em wanting more, discretion is a good thing, and imagination is always more sexy than the in your face plopping of the boob=age or sausage up front like the blue plate special of the day. That leaves no room for building anticipation and you may just find that first sight is more than enough to make someone positive you’re NOT the “one” from the unattractive appearance of your pride and joy(s). Oh, it might be wise to remember that it’s possible your boss, parents, children, or neighbors just might end up seeing more of you than you’d intended.

10. You only get one chance to make a first impression..make it a good one. Ask questions to show your interest that don’t include wanting to know the size of their ummmmmm…hands or feet…or how many midgets could fit in their bra. (trying to guess cup size for a prize, does not count as a good question).

Use respect and manners. If you wouldn’t approach a total stranger face to face and ask or say something, assume it’s probably not going to get you laid or make you into an instant sex symbol here either unless you find someone that is willing to play you as well. In that case, as long as there is full disclosure on both sides of the intention to bat each other around like mice in heat, by all means…proceed with my blessing. Use each other until someone easier comes along.

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all. Contrary to popular belief, insulting someone to get their attention is probably not the best form of foreplay. I could be wrong though, there are many kinky things that appeal to the masses these days that I’m obviously not privy to, nor do I want to be.

I was going to stop at 10, but here’s one Bonus…

11. When attempting to flirt…do not…I repeat, DO NOT, bug the sh*t out of someone with a million messages. If they reply politely to one with a nice “no thank you”, then don’t continue to pursue them. It makes you look like a stalker and just isn’t very flirty. There isn’t much in this life worse than a pest. This will start to fall into the annoying category if continued. In that case, the “stalkee” has every right to abandon all manners and let you have it with both barrels rather than with what you’re asking for. Persistence in the face of some expression of interest, is okay. Sometimes people don’t pay attention right away. When persistence turns to obsession, then it’s pretty much a turn off. (or a felony) While one message is good, 50 is NOT more better. (yes, I DID write it that way on purpose, for effect…geez)

===========================================

Flirting is what makes love or the possibility of love/lust/friendship exciting…whether you’re married and flirting with a spouse, harmlessly flirting with a friend or single and looking. The ability to flirt is the single most important love life skill that every person needs to master. When you are a true Flirt at heart, you can have the love life of your dreams for the rest of your life. Or you may simply get to experience some smiles and enjoy the inner workings of someone else’s personality and thought processes. To some flirting comes naturally. To others, it’s a bit more work and effort to pull it off. The rewards are worth it. Slow down and TRY to use a little common sense and imagination.

~Kath~

=======================================

~All really great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction.~ Marya Mannes

Totally random thoughts from my Thursday…a few news stories worthy of mention (and ridicule). My mind tends to see the world a little differently at times. And away we go…the best of today’s wacky and bizarre…

At last!! Men everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief with bathing suit season fast approaching!! Remember that episode of Seinfeld when George Costanza is changing out of his swimsuit, and a girl he’s interested in accidentally walks in and laughs, because he’s suffered a little post-pool shriveling? “Shrinkage”…the age old problem where guys worry about their manhood looking less than impressive after taking a swim might finally be solved. Enter the “Rooster Booster”…a $25 Lycra bathing suit with a pocket in the crotch where a guy inserts a breathable foam padding. The manufacturer claims it not only guards against shrinkage, it also keeps a man warm in a spot where he never wants to feel ice cold. It did not say whether or not it solved the age old question of “does this suit make my butt look big?”.

*****************************************************

Teachers want to be allowed to carry guns in school?? Ummmm, HELLO!!…half of us are PMS’ing at the same time and most of the time should have a Valium salt lick in the teacher’s lounge just to get through the day and now some teachers want to pack heat? (btw, I prefer to cause heat, not pack heat) Does anyone else see a problem with this? It WOULD however, put a whole new spin on time out or 5 minutes on the fence. Parents get pissed off if we take recess away, imagine what they’d do if we started shooting up the school. Why, we might REALLY get fussed at then!! *rolling my eyes* Not to mention that most of us can’t see straight without our reading glasses, we’d be shooting each other or our own foot!

****************************************************

As the mother of a teenaged daughter who is, of course, immersed in the “Twilight” hoopla, I found this little tidbit to be funny. After stories spread that vampires were strolling the campus of Boston Latin School, the headmaster of the prestigious college-prep school put a stake in the rumors. Lynne Mooney Teta sent a notice out Thursday to faculty, students, and parents denying the presence of bloodsuckers. She declined, however, to offer details about the rumors. Boston Police spokesman Eddy Chrispin said police were called to the school Wednesday after hearing of the vampire tales. Chrispin said he didn’t know if the alleged vampires were among the student body or hiding in old corners of the building.

The school was founded in 1635, and its students have included Ben Franklin, Sam Adams, Louis Farrakhan, and Sumner Redstone. Hmmmm…Louis Farrakhan AND Ben Franklin?? Maybe given that Farrakhan attended the school, perhaps they mistook vampires for little green men. I do find it hilarious that the police actually investigated the allegations..probably to appease anxious parents that didn’t want all that private school tuition to go to waste!

****************************************************

In a new survey released recently, it has been discovered that those over 50 are more likely to have sex on the first date than those under 40. We needed a survey to tell us this?? It further went on to say that half of the older age group rated lust and passion as MORE important than marriage. Nearly 40 per cent of over-50s would sleep with a partner on a first meeting compared with just 18 per cent of under 40s. The under 30s may feel they invented sexual liberation, but it was the baby-boomer generation that staged the first summer of love..more than 40 years ago. Let the good times roll! Could this be one reason “use it or lose it” cums to mind? *wink*

****************************************************

Scientists now say a crappy marriage can be bad for your heart. Personally, I think it’s pretty bad for your libido, penis or tunnel of love as well. Could explain some of the results of the over 50 sex on the first date thingy too, don’t ‘cha think??

****************************************************

Children, especially girls, may be more likely to have sex before the age of 14 if they have been verbally abused by teachers, a new study suggests. Researchers found children at elementary school who were shouted at, harshly criticized or embarrassed by teachers in the classroom had an increased risk of early sexual intercourse. (Tell me again, why we pay for all these “valuable” studies??) Okay, so it now appears that there is yet one more thing you can blame on teachers. If your daughter (or on occasion, a son) turns out to be a slut..it’s the TEACHER’S fault..it certainly couldn’t be attributed your bad parenting or lack of attention to your child. Next they will want us to pay child support if their little darlin’s end up getting pregnant as teens. Lord knows, teachers should be the ones building up their self-esteem, not their actual parents. To hell with learning…instead, let’s cut all that silly stuff out in favor of taking tests that induce only stress and don’t really measure learning, coddling their egos and raising the kids everyone else has. THAT’S what going to college for those education degrees was really for..becoming pseudo parents and babysitters!

****************************************************

Do you know there is an actual official National Mistress Day? It’s the day that straying husbands and boyfriends set aside for the ‘other woman’. Aptly, it falls on February 13th, the day before the national Hallmark conceived day of romance, Valentine’s Day. SO, it seems the mistresses get ahead (so to speak 😉 ) of the wives once again and sneak in first for a little romance. Learn something new every day! I wonder if there’s a special greeting or thank you card especially for the occasion?

****************************************************

A minor league baseball team is going to offer a 4,800 calorie hamburger as part of it’s stadium fare this season. The pot belly behemoth extravaganza weights a whooping 4 pounds and consists of: 5 beef patties, 5 slices of cheese, a cup of chili, salsa, and corn chips slathered on an eight inch sesame seed bun. This wonderful example of gluttony gone amok will cost the bargain price of $20. If you have the courage (or stupidity) to try and down this big boy all by yourself in one sitting, you receive a special t-shirt…One that you can wear in the ambulance as you are stroking out and on the way to the hospital!!

****************************************************

The news was released earlier this week during the launch of the Space Shuttle, that the first Japanese astronaut to live aboard the International Space Station will be doing an important scientific experiment, the likes of which have never been imagined before. Koichi Wakata will be testing a new brand of stink free underwear!! Let’s hope for the sake of everyone aboard the station, that this experiment is a success or phew wee!! Just think of the implications gentlemen! All that silly stuff about doing your laundry or doing the “sniff test” on things to find out how many more days you can get out of your unmentionables…you’ll always be as fresh as a daisy! Now, if they can just do something about that little skid mark problem that men tend to have and overlook as they grunt and pound their chests.

*****************************************************

And to almost end up my mental ramblings of the bizarre day…it seems that ovulating strippers receive larger tips. It appears that women subtly signal when they are most fertile, although just how they do it is not clear. In the case of lap dancers, I’m guessing the extra “umph” in their gyrations just might trigger the bigger tips..along with triggering other things.

****************************************************

Last, but certainly not least…A man police caught performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum has been sentenced to 90 days in prison. With a car wash vacuum? Seriously??? Good heavens, I don’t think I can use them to clean out my car again without pulling on rubber gloves. Safe sex indeed. Jason Leroy Savage must also submit to drug testing. (oh really, ya think?) The 29-year-old from Michigan, was sentenced Wednesday at Saginaw County Circuit Court. Savage pleaded no contest to indecent exposure last month. Police say Savage was arrested after a resident called officers early on Oct. 16 to report suspicious activity (I’d say having your love sword stuck in a vacuum hose just might be a TAD suspicious) at a car wash in Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit. I’m guessing that the 90 days in prison might bring a different kind of gratification for Mr. Savage.

Okay..I’m done for now. Feel free to carry on with whatever you were doing. If this had been a real emergency of an over-abundance of stupidity taking over the world (yet), you would have been directed where to go and what to do. *grin*

Personally, I think we need to be doing the “Here’s your sign” a bit more often. There seems to be an increasing lack of common sense amongst us. The inmates are taking over the asylum.