When I was 17 I had a very intense and sincere Christian conversion experience that I’ve come to refer to as “suicide by Jesus”. My faith kept me out of a lot of trouble though and gave my life some stability. My two favorite Christian artists were Keith Green and Phil Keaggy and my favorite song was Keith Green singing a song Phil Keaggy wrote called “When Your Love Broke Through”. In the lyrics of the song the “crazy missing part” that made things right and fit everything together was, of course, Jesus.

For me, at this juncture in my life the crazy missing part that is pulling everything together for me is some very recent insights into engulfment fears. I experience life as an adventure with many unexpected twists and turns through uncharted waters. You never know what is coming next and that is half the fun. I am on my first writing trip to the beach this year under the guise of resuming work on my second book on abandonment issues. That is going to happen though. When you are in Recovery and you are paying attention, every single day is rich opportunities to learn and to heal. However, every once in a while you get blessed with some especially mind blowingly juicy epiphanies that are game changers; previously missing pieces that make everything else fall into place once you finally have that elusive missing part. I had a game changer dropped on me the day before I left for my trip and I’ve been reeling ever since.

This piece of writing will be different from most of my stuff. It will be fresher, more raw, more personal and just off the divine Teletype if you will. I am writing for several reasons this time #1 to process some things through for myself and #2 to benefit my fellow fear of engulfment sufferers who will someday come across and digest this piece of writing. Usually my writing is about internal processing of lessons long learned for me and helping others is the sole goal of the piece. So please bear with my ramblings as I sort things out. If you can sift through the muck I think many of you will find some invaluable life changing gems. If neither you nor your partner suffer from fear of engulfment issues (distancing, shutting down, fear of commitment, sometimes recoiling when touched, social anxiety, over sensitivity to control, not feeling worthy of being loved, the fear of someone getting too close, feeling invaded upon, rigid boundaries, aloofness or holding secrets.) and you aren’t a big fan of my writing you might want to punt on this posting in favor of something that fits your prescription a bit more.

Like most Counterdependent men I had always thought that my core story was shame. Not so much “I’m not good enough.” but more “Deep down I’m just a total and complete piece of shit”. Then in a recent personal therapy session with a therapist using Byron Katie’s system of self-inquiry work I discovered that my actual deepest core story is “My whining, crying and neediness was so overwhelming for my mother that she fled from me so she could love another little boy.” That was a head snapper for me. Your core story or belief about yourself is the driver and the foundation of your Imago or how you are wired romantically. Our wounds calibrate our sexuality or who we are attracted to. So before my turn around therapy session I would have jokingly told you that my perfect type was a mean crazy chick with wicked abandonment issues. That had seemingly been my experience since I started working on my issues in the form of exploring relationships with women/transference objects ten years ago. I had been missing the most important ingredient. But this new insight has shuffled that deck completely. Now I know that by far, the number one Imago characteristic that draws me to a woman is really an intense “come get me” emotional neediness inviting me to pursue her followed by a much more intense cold, rejecting fortress of defenses that fear the engulfment of my massive neediness. Picture Lucy pulling the football away at the last second from Charlie Brown’s trusting foot. If you aspire to build a healthy interdependent relationship you have to start with someone with whom you have off the charts chemistry with and then go to work with those ingredients. I’ve been trying to make a pot roast without any beef and it has ultimately been unsatisfying. I will be writing this post more from the vantage point of a partner of someone with engulfment fears rather than as a direct sufferer of them.

I am going to quote liberally from two sources… the book ‘When Love Meets Fear: How to Become Defense-less and Resource-full’ by David Richo and a blog posting entitled ENGULFMENT AND ABANDONMENT FEARS by Adrian W. Hall, MFT, ATR

Ms. Hall, (pictured below) a therapist from Manhattan Beach, California explains thatIt is possible to be on both sides of the dynamic at different times, although, you may tend toward experiencing one fear over the other.”That explained to me why in the relationship that I recently ended after 6+ years I was much more the object of adoration, pursuit and engulfing control than playing that role myself. It just felt like something really important was missing. My gal would let me kick the football all day long. She never once pulled it back from me. Unfortunately, God help me, I think I have to have a Lucy.

I felt better for being so slow on the uptake when I read Hall write“The fear of engulfment is actually just as widespread and, in my experience as a therapist, seems even more difficult to notice for the person experiencing this kind of fear.”The cool thing about Recovery is that the insights just keep coming and life gets better and better and better as the years go by. At 55 years old I feel as if am just now finally equipped with the insight, the paradigm and the individuation to work with a similarly equipped woman in building a healthy relationship. I don't know of any 23 year olds who are prepared for building a healthy marriage. They are driven by a fail safe radar system and a whole lot of naivety.

David Richo, Ph.D., M.F.T., is a psychotherapist, teacher, workshop leader, and writer who works in Santa Barbara and San Francisco California. He writes that people with engulfment fears come across as “aloof, harried, angry, entitled, cold, refusing to make commitments, needing for more space, keeping secrets, being indifferent, being intolerant, having rigid boundaries, and being embarrassed about any affection in public” (p. 125).

It sort of sounds like falling in love with a prickly pear, doesn’t it? I have a lot of regret about misunderstanding a particularly prickly pear eight years ago. To someone with raw abandonment issues a distancing partner seems irrational, down right cruel and deliberately withholding. Partners who have fears of engulfment don’t like aggressive, high on love knights in shinning armor attacking their fortress of defenses with swords drawn. You have to be patient, gentle, kind, thoughtful, non-possessive, vulnerable, willing to give plenty of space, non-reactive to go with pleasantly pursuing, highly determined, ruthlessly authentic and thick skinned. I have some amends to make to Miss prickly pear from eight years ago.

Hall writes…“It is the fear that someone will invade our inner space, take us over in some way, or diminish who we are through criticism. Again, this fear is triggered by someone’s perception that they are getting crowded, when that might not be the case in reality at all.”So just as people with abandonment issues project onto their partners that they are majorly stepping away when in reality they only backed up half an inch, so too engulfment sufferers have a hair trigger over sensitivity to any perceived encroachment, control, intrusion or sign of possessiveness.

Hall elaborates on the childhood forces that might have conspired to create their overly sensitive transference reactions when she wrote...”Their natural human drive toward independence and growth may have been stunted and compromised by over involved parents. This causes a very unpleasant internal experience but it is hard for the conscious mind to perceive this since it does not seem like anything is wrong on the outside, it just feels bad inside. Another reason people may have this fear is if parents were very critical when they got close to them. So, allowing someone to come close equals someone finding that something is wrong with you. Another formula that seems to cause this fear is if someone had a parent who may not have been very aware of their child’s experience because they were dealing with their own overwhelming experience of addiction, domestic violence, chaos or financial struggle. So, closeness in this experience was the equivalent of being bulldozed by the parents’ needs.

It is very important to figure out what caused your partner’s fear of engulfment issues, what their exact nature is and why it turns you on to pursue such a dangerous creature. If you have the dynamic of fear of abandonment/fear of engulfment in your relationship you need to be in couple’s therapy with an excellent therapist who can really guide you through the individuation process.

Hall addresses the process of working through these issues as a couple when she wrote about what she called…”The David Richo special: admit it out loud, stay with it for a second longer than you can stand and act as if the fear was not holding you back in that second. You will get stronger each time and prove to yourself that nothing scary is happening. That means, you let your partner have space and attend to yourself while you are afraid of them leaving or you let your partner get a little closer by holding them, sharing what you have inside or take a tiny step in committing to your relationship and breathe through it! Finally, Richo addresses the Recovery process when he writes: “When you go, I grieve and let you go.” “When you get too close, I ask you to give me more room” (p. 121).

The work of someone with intense abandonment issues is to breathe deeply, be vulnerable yet keep the ravenous neediness under control, listen well, be aware of people in their life who press their buttons, let go of anyone their grasping little infant self wants to possess/control and and attend every day like it is a therapy workshop. I am learning to love and invest in myself first and foremost, to never present myself as desperate or sickeningly needy to anyone, to realize that my cup is overflowing, to maintain my dignity, to always honor and respect the boundaries and wishes of others, to truly see another person and to have the resources to make it about what is best for them rather than giving in to the primal tantrums of my inner infant. It is so freeing to finally be a grown up man. I am so grateful for the recent insights I have been given, for the time to process them, for the opportunity to share them with all of you and for a place to flesh out what this all means.

Abandonment issues and fear of engulfment issues are brutally tough conditions. They are built to consume and destroy even the most committed of relationships. Join with me in an unwavering commitment to ruthless authenticity as you and your partner manage and supersede abandonment/engulfment issues on your journey towards healing your deepest childhood wounds and building a safe, better than you've ever been loved, true home of belonging. Thanks for listening.

Every one of us carries baggage from our childhoods and beyond that can trigger us in our relationships. Really enlightened, Interdependent people are keenly aware of their own and their partner’s sensitivities, ouchy buttons and hair trigger tendencies to over react due to deep, primitive, childhood wounds. Awareness about these triggers is required in empathetic, loving, healthy relationships. Much of what I do in therapy sessions is to help each protagonist gain insight into their own and their partner’s dangerous triggers that frequently need to be deactivated or un-triggered, if you will. Off the top of my head here are 10 of the most prevalent, sensitive and painful triggers that lead to ugly, down and dirty, bad ass marital conflicts.

1. Abandonment Issues – Those of us who grew up with a distant or abandoning parent or two will almost always have an oversensitivity to the real or imagined backing up of their loved ones. This oversensitivity tends to be easily activated, deeply painful and potentially explosive. Someone who is projecting their abandonment issues onto their partner can read betrayal into almost anything. Last week I was working with a couple on Skype and in the background 5 feet away in a mirror there was the reflection of a self-drawn portrait of one of my daughters. When the wife abrasively asked her young husband, “What are you focusing on?” she was projecting her abandonment issues onto him. He clearly wasn’t lost in the reflection in the mirror across the room while Skyping during therapy, despite the fact that my daughter is quite lovely. But it easily could have blown up into an ugly fight had I not been there to vouch for the genuinely surprised look in his face when he was accused of having a wondering eye.

2. Fear Of Engulfment – The opposite side of the very same coin of fear of abandonment is fear of engulfment. In families where there was way too much control, closeness and togetherness a very common trigger is when a partner distances themselves or turns cold as ice when they feel invaded by, controlled by or intruded upon by their partner.

3. Shame – If you grew up with rage, control, criticism or comparison then you almost always will have a knee jerk over reaction to the critiquing of your partner. You notice that I used the word ‘critiquing’? That is a neutral word. And our partners should and will be our #1 critiquers, because they know us the best. It can really get explosive when one partner throws a rock at the other and they both are highly defensive, shame-based, and reactive, non-listeners who want to then interrupt and over talk each other.

4. Anxiety & Chaos – If you grew up in an environment where there was a great deal of chaos and you had very little control then you will most likely be highly triggered in situations where you have almost no control. Examples would be having a computer problem, being cut off in traffic, being around a hoard of loud children or being trapped on an elevator.

5. Not Being Heard – If you grew up with parents who seldom truly listened to you, or asked for your opinion, or who discounted what you had to say altogether then you will almost certainly be triggered when speaking to human brick walls in your adult life. When folks like this aren’t heard they tend to raise their voices quite a bit.

6. Alcohol – I think this one is self-explanatory. We all lose our filters when we are drunk and when combined with any other trigger on this list the result can equal a rather impressive fire works display.

7. Being Controlled – If you were overly controlled as a child then you are consciously going to try to avoid extremely controlling people. That is unless you fall in love with someone like that in order to work on your unresolved childhood control issues.

8. Rage – If you grew up with a raging parent then it is very common to exhibit Post Traumatic Stress Disorder like symptoms around anger or rage of any kind. This holds true even if the rage was not directed at you but rather at another person or object while growing up. In one of my very first group therapy sessions several women said that they had to dig their finger nails into the armrests of their chairs to keep from running out of the room in terror in reaction to a very slight bit of conflict in the group process that day.

9. Triangling – If you grew up being vented upon about the negative qualities of one parent by the other parent or you were otherwise dragged into a three sided relationship then you are going to really be turned off by victimy, venting, triangling people who try to hold you hostage as they vomit their feelings about their enemies.

10. Specific Childhood Wounds – One of my father’s minor addictions was gambling. When I was very little I remember getting my piggy bank and giving it to my mother after hearing her crying after my father informed her that he had lost his entire paycheck gambling. I have never been to Los Vegas to this day and I have no interest in doing so. That is a childhood wound trigger. You can have childhood wound triggers about anything…the holidays, the date someone close dies, a song, a person’s name, etc.

Knowledge of these triggers is nice but having insight while engaged in an ugly fight or just mere moments before one is the key to avoiding said ugly fight. It requires quite a bit of effective work on one’s self in the context of emotion triggering relationships to reach that level of interdependent communication.

I have a friend who has been researching and writing about identity. On some level, I suppose most people have their own labels of who they are. Maybe they don’t have a particular word for it, but in their own minds, people have a collage of ideas which they think represent who they are. Those who don’t really have a solid sense of who they are tend to look to others to feel whole. The reality is everyone you encounter will decide who you are based on how they see you through their own looking glass. You have zero control over how others perceive you. For some, this is hard to accept. For me, it’s a relief. Effortless to me is contrived to another person. Beautiful to me is wrinkled to another. Improved to me is hopeless to another.

I’m in my 40’s now. When I look back, I regret the time I wasted caring about style, clothing, shoes, make-up, going to the newest restaurant, going to the “right” places and being trendy. I regret it because I know that much about appearance is caring too much what other people think without really knowing who you are. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still a sucker for a good scent or a cute pair of shoes. I’ve gone through episodes of purchasing too many anti-aging serums and beauty products. I like keeping up with my hair. It’s on my head every single day and I have hair trauma from my early years. (Naturally curly hair when stick straight hair is “in” lead to numerous disastrous hair days).

As I’ve aged, I care about the things that I can prevent, so I work-out and eat mostly healthy. I wear sunblock. I research behavioral health because it’s both my job and passion. I’ve created habits that support a healthy way of thinking… most of the time. It can be a balancing act to enjoy life’s luxuries while keeping it real. Most “things” fade away and tend to be a waste of time and money. Ultimately, we are still left with ourselves.

I’ve seen lots of unhappy clients in unhappy relationships and situations across wide socioeconomic levels. Many of us choose our mates when we are still in a phase of immaturity, basing decisions on the superficial, without actually realizing it. Still not really understanding ourselves, where we came from, and why we choose who we choose, it’s easy to get caught up in making lifelong decisions based on how a person looks or what they can do for us. It’s easy to seek safety in someone else based on qualities we lack. Outside variables, how “hot” they are, how confident they are, how adoring they are of you, ---these things do not last.

I’m reminded of the scene from the movie, Stripes, when Bill Murray’s girlfriend tells him, “It’s just not that cute anymore.” Twenty years or so go by and you discover you missed the red flags (the truth) early in your relationship and now you don’t have the superficial to fall back on. The person is no longer “hot” but possibly a hot mess. You may wonder, “Who the heck did I marry?” Maybe you wonder who you are, too.

When we first meet someone, there is a tendency to idealize or create an illusion about who the other person is. Some research suggests that holding onto this illusion of your partner is the secret to maintaining long-term romantic love. By the time I see people, that illusion is already blown up or fizzled.

What does it take to maintain or repair long-term romantic love? I think that it’s a RUTHLESS WILLINGNESS to:

-look at your own tendencies

-really understand and accept yourself and where you came from

-really understand and accept who your partner is and where your partner came from

-focus on self-responsibility

Cute and adoring may become needy, dependent and reactive. Confident and successful may become shallow, distant and dismissive. But, wait? Did the person become this way? Or were they like this all along? It’s an exciting discovery, and, if nothing else, knowing who you are and where you came from is solid place to be. It informs every decision you make.

The heart of a family is the marriage. It was there before the children and if all goes well it will be there after the kids leave home. And the heart of the marriage is what is going on in the bedroom. If not much is going on in the bedroom it is a strong symptom of a troubled marriage that is at risk. It is about talking deeply, resolving conflicts and maintaining an intimate emotional connection. The problem is that very, very few couples are emotionally healthy enough to stay intimately connected for 15 years, much less for 50.

2. If There Has Been Infidelity Of Any Kind

If there has been an emotional affair or a flirtation or a full physical affair you are not going to be able to work through those issues on your own effectively. Would you try to tackle cancer on your own, or a broken leg? If you have abandonment issues you might rather have the cancer, as it would hurt less. The raw emotions related to infidelity are marriage killers. And you don’t just need any therapist; you need a highly respected, highly experienced expert on affair related issues. Do not wait! As soon as the discovery/disclosure of the affair goes down get in to see that therapist that very day if possible.

3. 'D' Bombs Are Flying

If the word ‘Divorce’ is being used on a regular basis then you need a talented marital therapist immediately.

4. If You Feel Like Two Ships Passing In The Night

If you rarely spend time together, you frequently vacation separately and/or you have separate checkbooks because you can’t communicate effectively about money you need a good marital therapist.

5. If Either Of You Rage During Conflicts

This is very serious. It can lead to injury or an arrest that could ruin your reputation or your career. It must be dealt with right away.

6. If You Are Only Staying Together For The Kids

Trust me on this; your kids are going to grow up and replicate your marriage. Do you want that? Just faking it ultimately is every bit as damaging as getting a divorce in the long run. You have things to work on so get to work!

7. If Either Of You Are Beginning To Have Feelings For Someone Else

Anyone can have an affair, even you. Opening up your heart to someone else is like opening up a can of gasoline that can burn your house down.

8. Your Partner Is Begging You To Go To Marriage Counseling

This is a bit of a no brainer. They just might wake up some day and be done. It will be too late to go to counseling then. Go now.

9. If Either Of Your Suffers From An Out Of Control Addiction

So, added to all of the above issues if you add a drinking problem or intense workaholism or a spending addiction or a dependency on prescription pain killers then you really need the help of a therapist skilled in dealing with addictions as well as marital issues.

10. Death Of A Parent

This one might surprise you but for the 33 to 48 crowd the death of a parent can powerfully knocks down a lot of psychological defenses that expose a great deal of unresolved childhood pain. It can trigger a mid-life crisis of sorts. Your marriage is a system. Generations are profoundly connected to one another. The death of a dearly loved parent or even a distant one can bring up a ton of never before seen marital and individual issues.

All 10 of these issues require your attention. Go through and count how many of the 10 fit your situation. If it is over 3 then make an appoint TODAY even if your partner isn’t really to get on board with it. You do not need your partner in the room to make serious progress healing both yourself and your marriage. You can set up a meeting with one of our therapists locally or via Skype by calling 317-844-2442.

A client of mine recently sent me the lyrics to the song 'Beautiful Tree' by a singer named Rain Perry. My client suggested that this song become the new theme song for Family Tree Counseling Associates. Check the song out on YouTube and you'll see why there might be a match here...

Growing up I thought my family was the most dysfunctional family on the planet. Since then I've learned that my crazy family is pretty normal and also pretty remarkable. This holiday season I've enjoyed many positives from my family including great food, funny family stories, intense but fun competition, family traditions and the joy of being together. The Smith family produces hard charging entrepreneurial focused leaders who have been very successful in business and for that I am thankful.

In any family tree there is a great deal of dysfunction as well. In my family there is a great deal of emotional reactivity, rage, food addiction, mental health issues and divorce just to mention a few. Try to find the gifts, the blessings that you have received from your family tree rather than focusing on just the broken parts. God bless you and your family as we move towards the New Year.

A client of mine texted me an amazing quote from the late, great Gilda Radner. For those of you too young to know who Gilda Radner was, think the Tina Fey of her generation. Radner gained name fame as one of the original 'Not Ready for Prime Time Players', on the first season of Saturday Night Live. She was the first performer cast for the show. Between 1975 and 1980, she created characters such as obnoxious personal advice expert Roseanne Roseannadanna and "Baba Wawa", a parody of Barbara Walters. Radner also played an elderly hearing-impaired woman who gave angry and misinformed editorial replies on ‘Weekend Update' She won an Emmy Award in 1978 for her work on SNL. She died at age 42 of ovarian cancer.

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” - Gilda Radner

To be honest, I have many times experienced that unplanned derailment of original plans and for me the word ‘delicious’ never came up. The immediate words that came up for me can’t be published on a family rated blog site. Every year in January I make great and wonderful plans. I make it my goals to lose 30 pounds, get in the best shape of my life, make 25% more money, pay off all debt, be more connected to my kids, build a healthy relationship with my fiancé, write a new book, work less hours, play better basketball and generally be blessed in every way possible.

The Lord works in mysterious ways though. I’ve never had a year play out according to my grand plans, not even close. While my life and business are moving in the right direction and I do fell quite blessed, I am many times shocked and dismayed by the size, the number and the severity of the hiccups and the pot holes that befall me. Recovery is not a blissful sprint up a mountain. Kids become gravely ill, staff members leave, waist sizes grow wider, unexpected expenses come up, books have to be put on back burners, a healthy relationship is not nearly built and many jump shots end up as embarrassing air balls.

I know this, the world’s best poems don’t rhyme. I know that when the Lord closes a door He opens a window. I know that if all of my plans went exactly as I planned them every time I would be the most arrogant man on the planet. Struggles, failure, bruises and bumps encourage humility, self-awareness, insight and psychological sobriety. While I lost four staff members who needed to test their wings and fly away I have gained a new group who are much more enthusiastic, loyal, teachable, respectful and committed to our practice. What seemed like a bad thing has turned out to be a wonderful thing for all concerned. You parents out there know that one of life’s scariest and most painful experiences is seeing your children struggle, get hurt, suffer failure or get severely bruised. But that is life. It is good that young people learn how hard life really is so ultimately that can take on delicious dimensions as well. And learning and growing from relationship pain - you know that I’m going to say that is all good.

I’m planning and hoping for the very best in 2015. But I won’t be shocked if a few doors get slammed in my face. It isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey and all that can be humbly learned along the way. I sure would like to hit a lot more three pointers then throw air balls in the new year but I will keep chucking them up there with enthusiasm, faith and high expectation no matter what. I want to learn all there is to learn, no matter what the cost. Even Michael Jordan occasionally shot a few air balls. I hope that I have the courage to embrace the limbo of ambiguity and the developed grace and wisdom to suck some deliciousness from even the most painful, ugly and horrible of circumstances.

(Editor’s Note – Just for fun I’m going to come from a really different place than I have ever come from before with either my blogs or my videos - the tongue in cheek voice of immature male denial, sarcasm, oblivious, arrogance, narcissism, naivety and extreme lack of emotional intelligence. Many of the thoughts and opinions shared here are ones that I’ve heard many times from men in therapy.)

If, for whatever reason you are motivated to kill and not save your marriage, here are 10 sure fire ways to make that happen...

1. Leave Conflicts Unresolved – Fighting is no fun. If you have a huge, ugly blow out one day just wake up the next day and pretend that nothing happened. Every day is a new day. Buy your wife some flowers; act humble and nice for a few days and it’s all good.

2. Don't Make Much Time For The Marriage – Who wants to be joined at the hip? Don’t be that couple who almost start dressing like each other. She knows that you love her. You tell her that she’ll be notified if that changes. A man needs to have his freedom and do what he needs to do when he wants to do it.

3. Flirt With Disaster – Go ahead and place yourself in dangerous, compromising positions with attractive, vulnerable women. You have self-discipline. You have never been the cheating type so there is no way that anything inappropriate can happen. Flirting is just good, clean fun and it’s innocent.

4. Take Lots Of Separate Vacations – And what would the harm be with a trip with the guys to Vegas or a week hunting, fishing and drinking? Okay, most of your buddies cheat on their wives and then brag about doing so. But you are just there to gamble and be with the guys. All she ever wants to do is go to the beach and sit in the sun, which you find to be boring.

5. Engage In Text Warfare – One of the most destructive new ways technology has enabled couple craziness is through the power, immediacy and easily misinterpreted nature of text messages. If you are capable of spending half of your day engaged in hurling nasty grams via texts back and forth between you and your spouse you aren’t going to be married for very long.

6. Let Your Physical Appearance Go – Now that you ‘out kicked your coverage’ and got a prettier girl than maybe you deserved to marry you it is ok to pack on a few beer driven pounds around your belly. The former Miss Teen Indiana isn’t going anywhere as she’s under contract.

7. Be Intrusively Needy – If you’d really like to turn off and actually completely repulse your wife then let your abandonment issues run wild by being irrationally jealous, accusing her of cheating on you, pouting and whining for days when she turns you down for sex and to generally come across to her like a needy like 3 year old who needs his mommy.

8. Bury Yourself In Debt – Marriage is way too easy if everything is under control and done wisely and according to plan. So, what the hell, buy that primo boat you’ve always wanted, and the bad ass new Harley and a successful guy like you deserves to take the family on a grand tour of Europe this summer.

9. Indulge In Multiple Addictions – Life is hard and you work your butt off every day of the week (Workaholism) so you deserve a beer or two (10 to 12 – Alcoholism) when you get home. Your wife isn’t making herself available for meeting your sexual needs on a daily basis like you need, so supplementing your sexual diet with generous helpings Internet porn is more than understandable. You are a man after all and a brother has needs. (Sexual Addiction) And how can you help the over eating since your wife is such an amazing cook. (Food (Addiction)

10. Refuse To Go To Therapy – Ha, marriage counseling, right, yeah, not going to happen. I’m suppose to pay $175.00 for 50 minutes of some knucklehead’s time just so he can agree with my wife on what an asshole I really am. The one she picked off the Internet is supposed to be some kind of hotshot but the guy has been divorced himself. Nope, been there and bought the T-shirt. The first overpriced worthless therapist just nodded her head a lot and asked us what we thought caused your problems. And the last guy gave us a bunch of lame homework like “try to figure out your wife’s love language” or “plan a date night”. I’ll read a book, which should be enough. Ok, I’ll say I’ll read a book but not quite ever have time to actually read most of it, that should work. Besides, relationships aren’t hard to figure out – it isn’t brain surgery. I’m pretty sure that I know more about relationships than any counselor anyway.

So there you have it. If the above major marital infractions do not eradicate your marriage then it is probably indestructible so settle in for the long ride.

When asked what isn’t working about half of the couples I work with list ‘communication’ as the #1 enemy of their marital happiness. Outwardly I don’t roll my eyes when I hear this but inwardly I secretly sigh deeply and roll my eyes like only a teenager can. ‘Communication’ gets blamed for a lot of stuff that it has nothing to do with. It is like someone blaming their financial problems on ‘the economy’ during prosperous economic times. "In this economy" becomes a catch all phrase that simplifies complex problems and deflects any personal responsibility. There are a lot of businesses that thrive even in bad economies.

Psychologist Kelly Flanagan wrote“I feel bad for marital communication, because it gets blamed for everything. For generations, in survey after survey, couples have rated marital communication as the number one problem in marriage. It's not. Marital communication is getting a bad rap. It's like the kid who fights back on the playground. The playground supervisors hear a commotion and turn their heads just in time to see his retaliation. He didn't create the problem; he was reacting to the problem. But he's the one who gets caught, so he's sent off to the principal's office. Or, in the case of marital communication, sent to the therapist's office. I feel bad for marital communication, because everyone gangs up on him, when the truth is, on the playground of marriage, he's just reacting to one of the other troublemakers who started the fight.”

From my perspective here are 7 dangerous troublemakers that are the root causes that result in communication problem…

1. Victim Mentality – I can’t say this any stronger, by far the #1 cause of marital destruction and divorce is victim mentality. It only takes one partner to start believing that they have been victimized by their spouse for a marriage to be rendered completely unworkable. All the communication training in the world won’t fix a marriage that is hamstrung by victim thinking. I don’t care what awful things your spouse has done to you; trust me when I tell you that you specifically recruited them to do exactly what they’ve done to you. Your problem isn’t your sucky spouse. Your problem is way deeper than that. Your problem is your sucky childhood. Romantic love is a re-enactment of childhood love. If your dad was a rager you’ll marry one or become one or both. If your mother abandoned you you’ll marry someone who’ll ultimately abandon you every single time. Your spouse is just the messenger. They deliver to you exactly the type of love you got growing up and exactly the type of love you sought them out to provide for you. It is all fair and it is all good. For more about this vital concept click to watch our video playlist ‘Uprooting Victim Mentality’.

2. Shame – Talk about a gremlin that will utterly destroy communication, Shame will get you speaking completely different languages to each other. Shame is mega-defensiveness. It is hearing 10 tons of criticism when only a half a ton was offered. Shame based couples don’t listen to each other, they interrupt, talk over, tune out, prepare their rebuttals, make faces, roll their eyes and generally act like total jerks to each other. For more on Shame check out our playlist Healing Toxic Shame.

3. Abandonment – Abandonment is the King Kong of marital miscommunications. Abandonment issues are rocket fuel for crazy, mean, reactive, ugly, irrational, jealous, childish marital battles. Abandonment issues impact relationships when it is perceived that your partner has stepped back from you (even if they actually haven’t, even if it is only a few inches and even if it is healthy to do so) resulting in brutal, out of control, nuclear over reactions. You guessed it; we have a playlist on Abandonment Issues.

4. Over-Confidence – If you start thinking that your marriage is unsinkable then you are potentially putting yourself in danger. The mighty Titanic was sunk due to over-confidence. The captain of the Titanic thought it was unsinkable. Any body’s marriage can go bad. If you stop working on your marriage, take it for granted, stop making it a priority and stop zealously protecting it then your marriage can sink just like the Titanic.

5. Triangling – When two people have painful conflict it is human nature for one or both to attempt to drag reinforcements into the fray. Triangling occurs when person A vents their spleen to persons X, Y or Z about the many sins and failings of person B. It is most common to triangle to your friends and family. They are biased. They’re on your side. They’ll shake their heads in agreement with your position on almost anything. It feels good to get things off your chest but you would be much better served to use your anger to resolve your issues with your spouse. Even when well-meaning third parties like pastors or counselors align with one spouse in a sincere effort to offer support, dangerous triangles can develop that can ultimately lead to divorce. Kids are frequently triangled into marital conflicts. That is so destructive to that child’s future relationship. If you grow up locked into an intense triangle you’ll repeat that pattern by always having an emotionally charged triangle in your adult relationships. Learn more about triangling by watching my video Triangling Is Rampant And Self-Destructive.

6. Enmeshment With The Kids – It is possible to love your kids too much. If you put your kids before your marriage for very long then you are headed for big trouble. The heart and sole of a family is the marriage. It needs a lot of time and attention in order to remain healthy and viable. Couples need date nights, weekends away, romantic vacations without the kids, resources and time for therapy sessions and couple’s retreats. When one or both spouses are too fused with their kids then marriages shrivel up and die.

7. A Lack Of Empathy For Your Spouse – One of the main goals I have for every couple I work with is for both partners to learn to show their pain vulnerably and to feel and express empathy for one another. That is such a beautiful thing when it happens. There are sad, wounded little kids at the core of us all. When couples learn to stop attacking their partners but to instead open up and share that wounded little kid’s feelings then an environment is created where empathy and compassion can thrive and flourish. For more on Empathy watch Jerry Wise's video Without Empathy Marriages Die.

The following is a guest blog by Dr. Amy Dansby from Taos, New Mexico. We are excited to announce that Dr. Dansby will be joining Family Tree Counseling Associates in January! She is a talented writer, a well trained therapist and an awesome addition to our team. You can reach Dr. Dansby at amydansbyDBH@gmail.com - Mark Smith, LCSW

My mother and I were sitting at a table in an Italian restaurant waiting for our order. I noticed the plant sitting up just inches to the left of my head. Perched in a nook in the wall. Dividing our table from the one on the opposite side from us. “Is that plant real?” I asked my mother. “Not sure,” she replied, trying to sound more interested than she was.I touched the leaf to see if there was any indication of life. The leaf felt waxy. The plant looked vibrant. Bright green leaves. Symmetrical. Cheerful. Friendly. There was my answer. No tiny little brown edges on the green leaves. No drooping or discolorations. No signs of new life or tiny buds. No shriveled blooms on their way out. No dirt. No fallen pieces surrounding the pot. No stains on the wooden wall from the occasional over-watering. It was a fake.

Natural things aren’t supposed to be perfect. People aren’t supposed to be perfect. Have you ever noticed that the most interesting people have some quality of depth about them? A depth that stems from some type of imperfection? Stories they share are interesting because there is always something to learn. Something to take from the conversations about past mistakes, unexpected mishaps, an adventure gone awry, a left turn when it should have been a right, a figuring out of things when all was stacked against them.

The world can be superficial. Full of people trying to capture a feeling by buying things. Full of confused middle-aged people relentlessly trying to smooth and correct. Neighbors who spend thousands to convert their patio into a mini-Tuscany. Conversations feel more like a networking event leaving me wondering who this or that person really is? Shallow. Boring.

I recently found some childhood photos of my grandparents’ property. I was taken with how beautiful it was. Unspoiled. Cows roaming in the background. Barbed-wire fence behind the house. Green grass and dirt patches mowed without any fancy borders or edging. Watered by rain. An enormous sweet gum tree where we’d painfully find the “fruit” with our bare feet in the front yard. Sticker-burs. Painful and imperfect. There is such beauty in natural surroundings. Strength, brilliance, wisdom and understanding are the rewards of accepting thorny imperfections.

There is more beauty in the perceived defects than in the contrived. Having depth requires being okay with not being perfect. Depth also requires leaving the surface of the water. Maybe leaving those points near the surface is too frightening for some. But all of the good stuff happens deep beneath. The most profound experiences happen after diving in.

The past four weeks I’ve gotten used to riffing my thoughts off the excellent writing of another blogger so I’m going to continue that tradition with some thoughts spun from Ryan McKenzie’s Canadian blog ‘22 Habits of Unhappy People’ . I paired the list down to the 8 unhealthy habits that I connected with and most wanted to say something about. I’m in blue ink and Ryan’s thoughts are in yellow.

1. Chronic Complaining

The one thing that happy, successful people don't do a lot of is complaining. The chronic complainer tends to always have something wrong in their life, their issues are more important than everybody else’s, and when you have something to vent about yourself, they aren't very interested in listening. Everybody gets dealt a hand in life. Some get dealt better hands than others, but at the end of the day this is the hand of cards that is yours. Chronic complainers tend to complain about their job, their significant other, how little money they make or how something wasn't fair. If you are a chronic complainer, quit whining and talk about the things that are positive in your life and focus on what is good. If you have a problem, sit down and work out a solution. Constant complaining does nothing but push your friends away and keep you in that dark unhappy place. You have good in your life, find it, and share it.

Therapists call this vomiting of negativity ‘Triangulating’. It is not vulnerably and intimately sharing one’s pain. That is attractive and it draws you towards the other person. Triangulating is holding the other person hostage as you vent your spleen all over them in a victimy and angry tone. I tell people that my fee for trianglers is $1,000.00 per hour because it is so unpleasant to be around, but no one ever wants to pay it. Triangulating and chronic complaining have their roots in victim mentality. Victim mentality is cancer, it is the devil, and it is by far the worst mental health habit of them all. It casts a pall of negativity, conflict, alienation, bitterness and darkness over a life and all who are around that tortured life.

2. Worrying About The Future

No matter what you do, you only have so much impact on what the future has in store for you. Could you get laid off? Maybe. Could you catch a life threatening disease? Yup. The thing is, you have very little control over whether or not these things happen, so why spend your time worrying about it. As long as you have a reasonable game plan and are living responsibly you should be focused on what is going on in your life now.

Constantly imagining the worst-case scenarios will keep you from moving forward with positive cutting edge changes that could revolutionize your life. Yes, bad things happen and it hurts a lot when they do. But bringing enthusiasm, faith, proactivity, hard work and tons of energy in your present will create a future that is awesome beyond your wildest dream.

3. Lack of Hobbies

Hobbies are activities that you can become passionate about. Hobbies are something that you can do when you have three hours of free time on a Thursday night. Hobbies are skills that could potentially earn you money if you become good enough at them. Happy people tend to have hobbies, whether your hobby is kickboxing, playing the guitar, or even basket weaving. Hobbies give you something to do with your free time and give you some time for YOU. This is time you are investing in yourself. Group hobbies also have the added benefit of giving you additional socializing time.

Our ‘job’ as a kid was to play so that when we grew up and had heavy responsibilities like careers and mortgages and family commitments that we would still know how to play. Hobbies breathe joy into our lives. They help us to escape the heavy burdens that life places on us, or that we place on ourselves. I still venture out on the basketball court at age 55 three times a week to do battle with a bunch of 28 year olds. I’ve lost much of what little athleticism I possessed and my of late has been ridiculously bad, but I still have a lot of fun being part of a team, playing defense and doing whatever I can do to help us win. Today was a great day on the basketball court. I actually hit a few shots and my team won all day long. Explore some new hobbies if you have time on your hands and you are bored. Hobbies will put a spring in your step and they’ll help you make new friends.

4. Eating Poorly

Making bad food choices or eating too much is not only bad for your health, it can make you feel lethargic, guilty, depressed and when done for extended periods of time typically results in gained weight. Unfortunately eating poorly is a vicious cycle. Often times people eat to self medicate when they are feeling down. They feel great for a few minutes while they eat their delicious treats, but then feel guilt afterwards, followed by lack of energy and reduced productivity. Eating healthy not only makes you have more energy, it also makes you look better, which makes you feel better about yourself. Eat right, look great, and feel great.

This is one that a lot of people, including myself struggle with. The nurturing that we got growing up centered on food so my siblings and I still tend to associate self-care with eating.

5. Holding Grudges

Harboring animosity towards somebody is like carrying around a backpack full of rocks. You don't have a problem carrying it, but it is a load on your back, and life sure would be easier if you could just take it off. Forgiving will help free you of anxiety, stress and depression and allow you to have happier relationships. Free yourself of the hate, and move on.

Holding grudges is more of the cancer that has its roots in victim mentality. I’ve also heard the analogy that holding grudges is like holding burning coals in your hand. Once you have it deeply in your mind and spirit that no one can victimize you in relationships without your full consent and cooperation there is no one to hold grudges towards. I believe that the people who have hurt me the most are my best teachers and I seek to hold sincere feelings of gratitude towards them.

6. Hating Your Job

Fact: With two weeks vacation most people work 1920 hours per year. Since you will be spending 22.4% of your entire year (yes that includes sleeping hours) you better like what you are doing. If you genuinely hate your job and doing it another day is going to cause you endless grief, simply take the plunge, and move on. Being unhappy for close to a quarter or your life just isn't worth it.

I am a big believer in the philosophy that you should do what you love and the money will follow. When you have great passion for your work then getting up in the morning to go to work is a joy, an adventure and a privilege.

7. Self-Labeling

How you talk to yourself can seriously affect your self-image. When you make a mistake, tell yourself "You made a mistake, next time you will do better". Saying things like "You are an idiot", or "You are a piece of crap" does nothing but lower your self-worth. This might sound insignificant, but you need to believe in yourself to be happy, and calling yourself names prevents you from moving on after you've made a mistake.

I call this negative internal self-talk ‘Shame’. We get shame by being shamed, criticized, put down, abused, belittled and raged at as we are growing up. As adults we still have that critical parent’s voice inside our heads. It becomes the voice that we use on ourselves. Learn more about shame by watching Family Tree’s videos and reading my book ‘Healing Toxic Shame Through Recovery’.

8. Not Having A Goal

One of the most exciting things in life is setting a goal and accomplishing it. Happy people have a tendency to make both short and long term goals. Short-term goals give you mini accomplishments that build self-confidence and keep you motivated for the big picture. These goals can be related to anything that is important to you. Fitness, finance and hobby related goals are examples of goals you can set immediately. Successful people are constantly setting and accomplishing goals.

While lack of ambition has a tendency to lead to mediocrity and limited emotional satisfaction, unhappy people often set goals too. The problem with unhappy people's goals is they tend to not be be achievable. One study shows that people suffering from depression often set goals that they are incapable of accomplishing. When these goals don't come to fruition, negative self reflection begins. For this reason, incremental goals are extremely important to build self-confidence and positive reinforcement for the goal setter. Start small, and build up steam, you are the only thing that stands in the way.

I don’t understand people who don’t set goals. Why wouldn’t you want to get better at what you do or impact the world more, or be healthier, or make more money or achieve any goal that it is in your heart to set. Every New Year’s Day I am busy thinking about where I have been, where I would like to go and how I am going to get there. I find the process to be exciting and it helps me to re-focus who I am and where my time should be invested.