Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Sometimes. I just want to put on a Bunny suit and scream.

Latest retail therapy. It pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling lately. I spent the day with one of the coolest chicks in town and we went mad shopping. Today was a much needed boost. I needed to laugh, giggle and conspire and sativa was the perfect ally.

The last field trip was emotionally draining – so many volatile issues that need to be resolved soon. Some issues that don’t directly concern me but because I feel greatly attached to this project, the national park I work in, the people who live in the Park, and wildlife conservation in the Park – I do feel a significant amount of responsibility. Especially since it appears that no one else that is involved cares as much as I do. Confidential reports that I’ve written over the past year have been made known to the perpetrators involved and so some people hate me. They really hate me, so I’ve been informed. Every time I enter the Park, there is some element of insecurity – for my safety – that I have to deal with. It’s not so much paranoia when I hear that others, who have made similar yet MILDER reports, were threatened and had their vehicles vandalized.

To be honest, I sometimes doubt myself – whatever I’m doing right now, doesn’t seem to be working and I don’t know whether it would be effective in the long term. But I just feel that it’s better than doing nothing at all. Whatever happens, at least I could say to myself, I tried to do the right thing.

I’m so confused. I thought I felt sure on certain matters but it turns out that nothing is ever definite, isn’t it?