Thursday, March 26, 2009

coming back. . .

A few weeks, and so many changes. But today, the rain is soft. And kind. A blanket around my broken heart.

A crockpot kind of day. Comfort. I put some chicken in this morning, with italian dressing mix. And now I am dreaming with smells of dinner tonight, yet hours away. . .

The last three weeks seem almost like a dream. A nightmare. A dream. A nightmare.

Shocked to find out I was pregnant, while on the pill. How?

And then embracing a pure miracle for us. The two who never thought we would have a baby. Dreaming, and crying, and disbelieving. . .for six years we waited for our Jack. . .and six months for our Luke. . . We who never thought we would have one were now preparing for three.

Plans, plans, and plans. . .Where would we all fit in our little white farmhouse? And our smallish vehicles? But, we embraced the change. Cleaning out the attic for our new bedroom, so the new little one could have our room. And the boys still having their own spaces. [Although Jack insisted Lukey could sleep in his bed with him, and that he would happily share his room.] Bookmarking bedding and sweet little birds for the baby's room. Dreaming of that little white round table in the corner where we would draw pictures and have tea parties. Soft yellow walls and a view of our beloved woods. . . Learning to knit sweet little baby socks, and beginning the first baby blanket. . .

And just as suddenly. . .in the darkness of 2am. . . the bleed. . . Confusion and panic. . . Frantic morning calls to the doctor and a blood test. . . and the wait. . . Forever. . .

So I am here. A week later. . . Three blood tests later. . . Waiting for the doctor's appointment tomorrow. . . The one that I was supposed to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. . . Now, waiting for the answers to so many questions. . .

But I feel myself starting to move forward. Feeling that maybe I can move my feet again. And that my heart will heal.