Lucy Smyth called FCA in May, 2006, to complain. She was scheduled to bury her mother's ashes the next day in Cadillac Memorial Gardens, in a grave occupied by another family member. She tried to cut costs by ordering the polystyrene urn vault (a totally unnecessary box for the urn cemeteries insist on supposedly to prevent sinkholes) directly from a manufacturer for $50.

Smyth claimed cemetery manager Goodman wouldn't let her use that vault, that he insisted she buy a vault from the cemetery for $275.

This sounded fishy to me, so I called the cemetery. Goodman told a different story. He said he'd never told Smyth she couldn't use the vault she bought outside, only that he had to see the specifications.

"I have to make sure it has a tensile strength of 3,000 pounds per square inch," he said.

Why is that necessary, I asked. Given the small volume of earth displaced in the grave by about 5 pounds of cremated remains, I said, are sinkholes really such a dire problem?

"All it would take was one back hoe to go over [the urn] and it would crack and open right up and sink in," said Goodman.

I'm still having a hard time believing a gaping sinkhole could result from a cracked urn the size of a flour canister buried underground. Do the cremated remains somehow just vanish, leaving an empty hole for the dirt to cave into?

Well, what about Smyth's vault, I asked.

"As a matter of fact, I just got the specs by fax from the manufacturer," Goodman said.

And?

"It's a Triple-H vault, the same one I use. It's fine."

Then why did you tell Ms. Smyth she couldn't use her vault if it's the same one you were trying to sell her?

"I never told her that," Goodman said.

After getting his assurance there wouldn't be any further problems with the Smyth burial, I called Ms. Smyth back.

"He's such a liar," she said. "I told him right upfront that I bought a Triple-H polystyrene vault. This is the same one he was going to sell me for $275? Incredible."

There's always two sides to a story, but Mr. Goodman's just didn't ring true. Ms. Smyth had the good sense to spend as little as possible on what was, let's face it, an unnecessary purchase. Goodman's irritation at his customer "trying to save money" really sums it up. It seems he was miffed about losing a $275 sale because a customer had the temerity to shop around. This attitude is common; I've come to think of it as the Divine Right of the Death Industry. Americans love a bargain and will move heaven and earth to find a good deal on most items. For many reasons, fewer do it when it comes to death purchases. But those who try to cut costs at the grave often confront indignant funeral and cemetery salespeople, literally outraged that anyone would haggle with them.

Goodman's credibility fell further when I did a little digging of my own. Cadillac Memorial Gardens had a familiar ring, so I went through my files and found a Detroit News article from 2004 describing allegations of fraud at the cemetery:

The Detroit news reported that consumers were refused refunds on contracts they signed for burial crypts in a proposed mausoleum that was never built at the Cadillac Memorial Gardens East Cemetery in Clinton Township . . . . At the controversial Cadillac Memorial Cemetery East that was the subject of the News' investigation, auditors said more than $2 million in sales were recorded for an unbuilt mausoleum project. The auditors said the cemetery failed to establish a construction trust fund as required. They said $454,839 was spent on preliminary plans for the project.

Perhaps the cemetery was trying to replenish that missing money $275 at a time.

I suggested to Smyth that she find another cemetery. Maybe she should cancel the burial and find a more reputable business. She agreed that would have been best, but too many family members were already buried there.

"They really have you in a bind," she said.

CONSUMER TIP - It seems the Triple-H Company is willing to work directly with consumers to give them fair prices. You might want to give them your business if you find yourself needing a cremation vault. Let them know you appreciate how they do business, and that consumers appreciate having reasonably priced options. Let's hope Cadillac cemetery doesn't put pressure on Triple-H to stop selling to the public!