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The greatest scam ever foisted on all Christmas-loving children is the stocking.

You may get other gifts, but the stocking is Santa’s sole preserve. Based on the evidence, Santa has either lost touch with the younger generation or he’s run out of ideas.

He tricked us with a glue gun and some spangles. You may have your name on your stocking — which seems delightful as a child. Once you get older you realize that seeing your name in print is repulsive, since it’s usually written on a bill or a court summons.

My mother would put loose candy in our stockings, to give them heft. Then they’d sit over the fireplace for two weeks, where that candy crystallized in a blob of gelatinous goo.

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Christmas morning, you’d stick your hand in there and it would take you 15 minutes to get it back out. Once you pulled the candy slab out of there and shaved off the hair, you still ate it. Like a horse.

Usually, there’d be a book in there. But books and calcified peppermint do not mix well. The pages would clump together. The spine would start coming apart one chapter in. Pages would fall out — always the pages where some pivotal narrative event unfolded — so that you ended up completely lost by the end. The stocking never gave me books. It mocked me for reading.

Other gifts I have received in stockings: candy-coated action figures, candy-coated CDs, candy-coated mittens. MITTENS.

If I had a time machine (something else that wouldn’t fit in a stocking), I’d go back and ask Santa for two stocking-compliant gifts: a bottle of bourbon and diamond earrings.

To make sure I’m not completely off about this stocking thing, I asked my deskmate, Kerry, her stocking thoughts.

“Are you kidding?” Kerry said. “Stockings are the best part of Christmas.”

What’s the last thing you put in there?

“I gave Derek a garlic press.”

Point proven. There is nothing worse than anything that comes in a Christmas stocking. Except nothing.

As kids, we didn’t have many extras. Sometimes we had barely enough for the essentials (though we didn’t know it at the time).

But the stocking was Christmas bedrock. That’s where everything started. You started at the stocking and worked outward. When you think back on it, the stocking is often all you remember. Everything else is just a thing wrapped in paper. It has ritual, but not nearly as much as the stocking on the mantle.

I remember that wretched clod of candy better than I remember any Tonka toy or G.I. Joe battle station I ever received.

This is the truism about gifts — the specificity of the thing doesn’t matter; that it exists at all is its only purpose. Nothing given has any meaning outside the giving.

When we think of the purpose of the Santa Claus Fund, that’s all it is — to make sure that when a kid puts his hand in the stocking, there’s something in there.

On the Corner: Creating happy memories for underprivileged kids is important for regular donors to the Jim Proudfoot Corner, as is sharing some fond tales with us. Jim Fitzgerald of Toronto says, “A flood of memories cross my mind as I write this note to you, just as they did with my letter to Chester (Jim Proudfoot) in 1996, the year that Doug (Robertson) died. Doug was a dear old boyhood friend who shared Argo tickets with me for 26 years … I told Jim that he could count on a $100 cheque from me every year in remembrance of Doug as long as I live.” Another Torontonian who never misses is Ray Zucchiatti, this year with a $1,000 cheque: “Back in the early ’60s I sent my first donation to your greatly needed fund. I do not think I have missed donating each year since. I am happy to donate once again and hope you attain your goal in the near future. Keep up your good work. The kids are waiting for their gift boxes.” Meanwhile, Barb and Duncan Towe of Markham shared $200 “in memory of dear friend Erika Rimkus” along with Barb’s long, poignant tale about her colleagues and time working in the Star’s syndicate department, and her uncle Bill Thoburn’s bronze medal in rowing at the 1932 Olympics. Regular donors from far and wide send contributions for the kids, such as $150 from Cynthia and Mark Cawker of Charlottetown, and $100 from Norman and Norma Herchak in the tiny community of Elmvale, Ont. Many gifts come from within Toronto, too: C-notes arrive from Harvey, Steven and Scott Northern and from Edward and Sherry Bujold, while Margaret Connelly and Lewis Plevan send a sawbuck. The Corner also gets group donations: $100 comes from Robert T. Design Inc. of Toronto and London, Leaside Baseball Assoc. sends an annual $75 donation, “this year in memory of Joe Irvine, a legendary coach in Toronto” and, not to be left out, the Old Farts Poker Club of Scarborough passed the hat to the tune of $465 “in memory of four deceased members, Bruce Milne, Carl (Buck) McConnachie, Ron Sabourin and Len Hall.” Many gifts come from people who knew Proudfoot or his successor, Dave Perkins,like the $100 cheque from radio legend Wally Crouter and his wife, Lynne, of Aurora. Wally says, “It’s my pleasure to have known Jim for so many years and to be able to support this very worthy cause. I’ll miss reading Dave’s column and wish him much happiness in his retirement. Happy Holidays to everyone who works so hard to enrich the lives of those less fortunate.” Elizabeth and Jerry Love of Mississauga, who “met Jim as a cub reporter in the 1950s at U. of T. (and) enjoyed his company during spring training in Dunedin for many years,” sent $200. An Star old back-shop staffer, George Pereira of Pickering, sends $100 as always, and Bruce O’Neill of Mississauga misses “Perkins’s take on all things sports, especially horse racing and golf” and includes $25 in the envelope on behalf of “my deceased parents, Harry and Pat; George Gross, my ex-boss” and Rick Fraser, a Toronto Sun colleague. Sportscaster RobFaulds and wife Andrea, of Whitby, who sent $500, “remember John Cerutti and Tom Cheek, two terrific men taken too early.” More gifts arrived from Toronto donors: $15 from “Michael Moziar in memory of Loreen Pidgeon/Egeli”; $50 from Howie Birnie “in memory of my grandson, Dalton Templeton”; $100 from Glenn and Yvette Davis “in memory of Mum and Dad, Alan and Brian”, and $200 from “old iron worker and horse player” Glenn Kimmett, who was there “the day Collisteo won the Queen’s Plate at Old Woodbine” in 1954. Only slightly further afield, always-generous Jack Churchill of Oshawa drops $500 in the basket, Kenneth and Kanako Ikeda of Newmarket give $50, Jeanne Eveleigh of Aurora sends $30, $75 comes in from James and Elaine Curtis of Richmond Hill; another $50 is provided by Dr. Doreen Macdonald and Peter Zaharuk of Mississauga and another C-note comes from Lily and Howard Harvey of Whitby. The $75 gift from Jim Eliopoulos of Toronto “in memory of father Anastasios Eliopoulos, son Jake Eliopoulos and good friend Joe (Fungo) Irvine also has a greeting for them: “Y’all done good work down here … hope you’re all enjoying your reward.” Some Markham gifts and reminiscences: For Pat Potter and Canadian bowling hall of famer Ernie Hughes, a $100 cheque is “an important part of our Christmas tradition,” while Bruce Barnett’s annual donation of $100 is “dedicated to those great Jesse Ketchum (Public School) guys and girls of the ’50s. It’s rather strange, but they’ve never aged.” Meanwhile, Ed and Christine Dickson of Ajax sent a $100 gift “in memory of Lou and Mary Dickson, from your great-grandchildren, Emily, Ethan, Riley, Ben, Anna, Aidan and Abigail.” Bill Thachuk sends $50 in memory of Uly Curtis and another $50 in memory of Don (Shanty) McKenzie. In closing, a special shout-out to Murray Slota who identified himself as a first-time contributor, with $500: “My donation to the Jim Proudfoot Fund is in memory of the Toronto Argonauts’ Grey Cup victory in the 100th Grey Cup celebration in 2012. It was my most memorable live event ever!”

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