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Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Squirrel's Nut Cache - 4/29/2010

The Nut Cache - a collection of recent things I found interesting, or amusing, or nutworthy.

I've never been a fan of P.E.T.A. Sure, they're trendy, and a popular cause for many actors and actresses, but their beliefs are really insulting to actual intelligent thought processes. They've had multiple add campaigns and publicity stunts that are just lame. They are most definitely not Bibly. But this has got to be the dumbest idea yet! (Caution: PETA's promoters are often scantily clad, and there are unquestionably photos in these links that are tasteless and designed to appeal to baser instincts.)

I used to work as head of security at a lumber mill. We used to get "faux emergency" phone calls - at least one per week. "I need to speak to my (husband/wife), it's an emergency." We, of course, couldn't just have people called off the factory floor to run take phone calls on a whim, so I developed the following definition of an emergency for my guards to use in determining whether or not to pass the call on: "An emergency is a situation that involves a police car, ambulance, fire truck, or hearse. Anything else is just an inconvenience." There are a lot of people who are, unknowingly, glad I couldn't do this!

Just last week, we had the story of how an Iranian cleric has determined the cause of earthquakes. It has come to my attention that this has not gone unnoticed. Indeed, nefarious forces are at work, using this newfound power for evil. Indeed, they had an attack planed for Monday, 4/26 and, sure enough, there was a 6.5 quake southeast of Taiwan! Coincidence? I think not! Be on the lookout for more of this...

Despite the fact that there is, Roswell and Area 51 not withstanding, absolutely no evidence of alien life that has ever been found (Granted, we've only explored a minuscule portion of our universe) there must be alien life out there, because... well... because there must! Stephen Hawking says so... & he's really smart!

Well, once again, mistakes happen. I wonder why nobody interviewed the wrecking crew? "We was told to knock down th'house, we knocked down th'house. What's the problem?" Well, guys, check the address on the work order... looks to me like you're on the wrong side of the street. Oops.

Virginia has chaplainsfor the state police, because they think it is desirable for law enforcement personnel have some sort of spiritual support to assist them in dealing with the stress of their jobs. Worried about offending people, in 2008 Governor Kaine issued guidelines that chaplains would only be able to "pray" generic "prayers", and would not be allowed to actually offer prayers in "Jesus' name" (or "Buddha" or "Allah" or any other specific deity.) Half the state's chaplains resign. A new governor take office, and lifts the ban on real prayers. And now the ACLU whines like an scolded puppy. The new (old) policy will allow "agents of the government to foist their religious beliefs on others."? Really? That's just nuts!

We've all heard the expression "In deep..." uh... "'Stuff'" to describe someone who was in a lot of trouble. Metaphor became reality for this "lucky" Indiana man, who tried to hide from police in a farm's manure pit. He hid there for over an hour, but eventually was found. Man, to get caught after hiding that long. That's gotta stink...

It seems that a set of triplets have taken top honors at their high school for this years graduation. The valedictorian and the salutatorians for Lakeside High School's class of 2010 are sisters. They're also star athletes. And they're cute, too. Underachievers everywhere, you now have new targets for your hate. Why don't you work on that Video Games merit badge to assuage your bruised ego? Well done, Lauren, Stephanie, & Allison!

Sluggy Freelance

WARNING: Sluggy Freelance is a quirky, offbeat, secular comic strip for grown-ups. It is not an "adult" cartoon, but it is PG-13, and not for children. I think it's funny, and that's probably a sign of my own depravity. Yes, the bunny is cute, but he's homicidal, OK?