2017: Was It Worth the High?

In this Nov. 2, 2017, file photo, Fiona, a Nile hippopotamus plays in her enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden, in Cincinnati. (John Minchillo/AP)

Welcome to “Is It Worth the High?”, where our writers see newly released movies, listen to the latest album drops, and try other experiences while high to determine whether they’re worth your time, money, and most importantly, your cannabis buzz. This week, Dante Jordan reflects back on a tumultuous year to determine whether 2017 was worth everyone’s high.

High Experienced (1-10): All. Of. It: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter—however high you got and wherever that high took you.

It’s easy to look back at 2017 and feel like it was one of the worst years ever. That’s because it was. Between all of the political chaos, natural disasters, and seemingly-monthly mass shootings, every memory of the year seems to bring pain. I mean, shit, the first thing we did as a nation was on January 20, 2017, when we named the host of The Apprentice the 45th President of the United States. That’s how you know everything was headed downhill.

We had the Charlottesville rally that led to the death of Heather Heyer. The same rally that Donald Trump defended by saying there were some good people within a mob of Nazis and white supremacists.

We had the travel ban, which was designed to prohibit an entire religion of people from entering our country for no statistically valid reason.

Combine all of that with the fact that we had the Ft. Lauderdale airport shooting, the Las Vegas shooting, the Ariana Grande concert bombing, Hurricanes Irma, Maria, and Harvey, and 2017 feels like stab wound after stab wound.

So if you ask, “Was 2017 worth the high?”, you really have to take a look at its best moments and decide if they outweighed its worst moments.

La La Land Got Punk’d by Moonlight

Remember when La La Land thought it won the Oscar for Best Picture, but Moonlight hopped out the back with Ashton and stole the trophy? I do. That’s still one of the most stressful moments of television that I’ve ever witnessed. Literally the biggest moment of the biggest night, and it went terribly wrong. And I loved every moment of it. Moonlight 184% deserved that award.

Beyonce Had Twins, Defeated Adultery

The world was so trash that Beyonce was forced to create two more children to give us hope, all while her husband was cheating and also making an album about cheating. We aren’t worthy, man. We aren’t worth Beyonce’s high.

The Houston Astros Won the World Series

Whether you’re an Astros fan or not, to see that team win its first World Series in franchise history and bring hope to a city that was just completely destroyed by Mother Nature’s wrath is one of the most special moments of the year. Houstonians needed and deserved that.

Meghan Markle Changed the Game

They said it couldn’t be done. They said it’d never happen. But they couldn’t stop destiny. American actress Meghan Markle, who’s half black, is engaged to Prince Harry and will soon become a member of the British royal family.

THAT’S RIGHT, INTERRACIAL ROYALTY IS ON THE WAY AND THERE’S NOTHING WHITE SUPREMACISTS CAN DO TO STOP IT, MY FRIENDS. Oh my goddd, they are SOOO mad about it, and they just have to eat that anger every morning for breakfast.

Get Out Got Money

$254 million dollars later, tell me Get Out wasn’t the best movie of all year so I can delete your contact information. Jordan Peele made a horror movie about racism where racism was the actual villain in human form, highlighting America’s biggest problem in an artistic way that’s never been done. It’s a classic; a cultural icon. “The Sunken Place” should be in the dictionary.

Music This Year Was *Kisses Fingers*

So many incredible albums dropped this year, and if you aren’t aware of them, peep my Smoke This, Play That column. There are hella albums in there. This year, SZA dropped a bomb on our heads that’ll probably sweep the awards. Drake gave us More Life, then popped up at Coachella a month later with Future. Kendrick Lamar gave us DAMN., arguably the best album of the year. Harry Styles shed the extra weight known as One Direction and came through with a bomb-ass rock album. Goldlink gave us “Crew,” the single best song of the year. Oliver, Alina Baraz, Majid; the list of great music that dropped this year could go on forever. The point is that it was there when we all needed much needed mood changes.

Fiona the Hippo

Look man, I don’t get it. The hippo does nothing for me, I’M NOT SORRY. But she does everything for literally every other human, so hey, if her birth and multiple updates of the year gave you peace, joy, and harmony, I’m extremely happy for you. Whatever gets you through the tough times.

Roy Moore’s Weak Ass Lost

Moore thought he was going to ride up to the polls on his weak-ass horse, cast his weak-ass vote, and walk away knowing that all of the Alabamians were going to have his back and do the same. BUT PSYCHE. Black people got that boy out of the paint and instead called Doug Jones’ number to get in the game. Is Jones the man for the job? Should we be praising his name? Only time will tell, but one thing’s for sure: he can enter any mall in the United States at his will.

Tomi Lahren, Sean Spicer, Bill O’Reilly, Omarosa Got Fired

You know how they say you shouldn’t find joy in the losses of others? Yeah, fuck that. The day that Tomi Lahren got fired was Top 5 on Twitter. Same with Spicer, Bill O’Reilly, Omarosa, and any other terrible humans that got the boot this past year. And I took a blunt rip for every last one of them. Good riddance.

Sexual Predators Are Being Removed at Rapid Speeds

It’s been a long time coming, and there’s still a lot more people out there that need to be outed, but the wave of women and men that are finally ready to speak out about the sexual harassment and assaults they’ve experienced at the hands of Hollywood/Entertainment’s Elite has been amazing. Harvey Weinstein took the L. Matt Lauer took the L. Kevin Spacey took the L. The list goes on.

Martin Shkreli Went to Jail

Martin Shkreli’s one of the worst humans ever with that doughy-as-hell smug face. He deserves to be sitting in jail, thinking about the potential 20+ years he’s facing for securities fraud. I can’t wait for the sentencing—might dip a blunt in wax for it.

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