Author
Topic: Jackasses, Four Different Kinds, part I (Read 10295 times)

THE EXECUTIVE - Mild neophobic. The executive has a lot of money and demands the best that country has to offer. Similar to the Tourist in that his tastes run to the unrepresentative except while the Tourist is happy to spend hours in the duty-free shops and ride a bus to Chichen Itza with 80 other pale midwesterners, The Executive will buy an entire floor of rooms where digitaries stay and hire his own staff from several other countries to throw parties, He will pay exorbitant amounts of money to eat exotic things that most travelers could never afford and to create an experience for himself that is fitional: it never existed in that country before he arrived and ceased to exist the moment his wallet boarded the plane home.

THE EAST COAST HUSTLE - This smirking smartass of a traveller is mildly neophillic in intent but loses it in execution. Initially heads out in search of new experiences and tastes, but misses the entire thing in a blur of hedonism. The ECH hops from one place to the next, galavanting with the locals, learning snippets of the language and having such a good-natured blast, he forgets all about remembering names of places or half of what he saw, drank and ate. Wakes up face-down in the sand on the last day and thinks of a million things he forgot to try because...party! Dammit! He does this every time he comes here! Oh, well. There's always next time.

THE EXECUTIVE - Mild neophobic. The executive has a lot of money and demands the best that country has to offer. Similar to the Tourist in that his tastes run to the unrepresentative except while the Tourist is happy to spend hours in the duty-free shops and ride a bus to Chichen Itza with 80 other pale midwesterners, The Executive will buy an entire floor of rooms where digitaries stay and hire his own staff from several other countries to throw parties, He will pay exorbitant amounts of money to eat exotic things that most travelers could never afford and to create an experience for himself that is fitional: it never existed in that country before he arrived and ceased to exist the moment his wallet boarded the plane home.

THE EAST COAST HUSTLE - This smirking smartass of a traveller is mildly neophillic in intent but loses it in execution. Initially heads out in search of new experiences and tastes, but misses the entire thing in a blur of hedonism. The ECH hops from one place to the next, galavanting with the locals, learning snippets of the language and having such a good-natured blast, he forgets all about remembering names of places or half of what he saw, drank and ate. Wakes up face-down in the sand on the last day and thinks of a million things he forgot to try because...party! Dammit! He does this every time he comes here! Oh, well. There's always next time.

The ECH is a creature that blends into its environment seamlessly, yet leaves devastation in his wake when he leaves. Nobody is sure exactly when the toilet got that way, or just precisely how ALL of the booze went away, or how that Harley Davidson got up on the high dive, but there's no mistaking his hoofprints.

ECH isn't a visitor and does not belong on the list. ECH is a national calamity.

THE MISSIONARY - Mild neophobic with a neophillic candy coating. Not necessarily religious, the missionary usually arrives on a long-term trip: taking a year to teach english in Zimbabwe, for instance. Or agricultural studies in Peru. They don't always have an organizational agenda, for instance, they could be taking a year off from school to backpack the Great Minefields of Somalia, or just a couple weeks to really immerse themselves in the people of Papua New Guinea. But they all have one thing in common: they studied intensely the disadvantages of the poor, uneducated people of that land and are hell-bent on changing their lives for the better, dammit.

Completely naive to the country's unique needs and challenges, Missionaries are tireless about pitching solutions to various problems. Often seen picking up other people's children and wailing about the unjust, subpar conditions, a Missionary will never waste an opportunity to establish rapport with a village or act as a counselor to a family in need by teaching the wives about their rights to an independant living and through heartwarming chats with the husbands about how making the women bow before they eat is considered demeaning in civilized society. And if the locals dont accept the invaluable teachings, it's not really their fault. They can't be expected to understand when they are so lacking in education.

THE MISSIONARY - Mild neophobic with a neophillic candy coating. Not necessarily religious, the missionary usually arrives on a long-term trip: taking a year to teach english in Zimbabwe, for instance. Or agricultural studies in Peru. They don't always have an organizational agenda, for instance, they could be taking a year off from school to backpack the Great Minefields of Somalia, or just a couple weeks to really immerse themselves in the people of Papua New Guinea. But they all have one thing in common: they studied intensely the disadvantages of the poor, uneducated people of that land and are hell-bent on changing their lives for the better, dammit.

Completely naive to the country's unique needs and challenges, Missionaries are tireless about pitching solutions to various problems. Often seen picking up other people's children and wailing about the unjust, subpar conditions, a Missionary will never waste an opportunity to establish rapport with a village or act as a counselor to a family in need by teaching the wives about their rights to an independant living and through heartwarming chats with the husbands about how making the women bow before they eat is considered demeaning in civilized society. And if the locals dont accept the invaluable teachings, it's not really their fault. They can't be expected to understand when they are so lacking in education.

And ensure that 30% of the cargo in any relief operation consists of Christian literature.

THE MISSIONARY - Mild neophobic with a neophillic candy coating. Not necessarily religious, the missionary usually arrives on a long-term trip: taking a year to teach english in Zimbabwe, for instance. Or agricultural studies in Peru. They don't always have an organizational agenda, for instance, they could be taking a year off from school to backpack the Great Minefields of Somalia, or just a couple weeks to really immerse themselves in the people of Papua New Guinea. But they all have one thing in common: they studied intensely the disadvantages of the poor, uneducated people of that land and are hell-bent on changing their lives for the better, dammit.

Completely naive to the country's unique needs and challenges, Missionaries are tireless about pitching solutions to various problems. Often seen picking up other people's children and wailing about the unjust, subpar conditions, a Missionary will never waste an opportunity to establish rapport with a village or act as a counselor to a family in need by teaching the wives about their rights to an independant living and through heartwarming chats with the husbands about how making the women bow before they eat is considered demeaning in civilized society. And if the locals dont accept the invaluable teachings, it's not really their fault. They can't be expected to understand when they are so lacking in education.

And ensure that 30% of the cargo in any relief operation consists of Christian literature.

The upside of that is they can end up like the Kathy Bates character in At Play In The Fields Of The Lord. Or this guy.