Saturday

'Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a memory, falling on my head like a new emotion....'

It is RAINING out there, with capital letters and exclamation points. Tropical Storm Hanna is making a quick trip up the East Coast today and dumping water like you wouldn't BELIEVE out there. I walked in it to the bus to come see Oddity and found it was NOT annoying. Just WET. Walking to his place, I realized even the air was laden with water and the huge drops falling at the pace they were falling wasn't helping anything. I can't begin to describe how it is; we've had torrential downpours and heavy thunderstorms but those were brief. This is on par with 40 days and nights of rain of Noah's deluge. This sort of rain has been going on since... 6am this morning I think? and it's almost 4 and IT HASN'T LET UP. The pace has altered a bit here and there, but for the most part it has been buckets of water falling from the sky over a huge swath of country.

I am simply amazed.

I walked into Oddity's apartment simply DRIPPING with water (despite an umbrella) and on the floor of the rug going into the bedroom, there was this blue square - an envelope with my name on it. I started smiling at that moment from ear to ear with chortles bubbling forth from my heart and haven't stopped since. I tried to remove as much of the wet clothing as I could and opened the envelope; inside was a card that read: I love you from the top of your head to the tip of your toes (blue border with red letters and hearts, from Shoebox Greetings) and inside the card it reads: And don't get me started on in-between! Most of my favorite spots are in-between. He added: Love You! with a heart next to his name.

I feel absolutely wonderful. My heart is warm, glowing. I feel I can conquer the world. I am ashamed of my doubts and fears. I LOVE YOU, YOU WONDERFUL CRAZY AMAZING STRANGE AND AWESOME MAN!

Right now, the Juanes song "Feel No Pain" (No Siento Penas) is spinning through my head. I'm going to play it and dance around like a fool and thank the powers that be that you love me.

Friday

Name your priceA ticket to paradiseI can't stay here any moreAnd I've looked high and lowI've been from shore to shore to shoreIf there's a short cut I'd have found itBut there's no easy way around it

Light of the world, shine on meLove is the answerShine on us all, set us freeLove is the answer

Who knows whySomeday we all must dieWe're all homeless boys and girlsAnd we are never heardIt's such a lonely worldPeople turn their heads and walk on byTell me, is it worth just another try?

Tell me, are we alive, or just a dying planet? What are the chances? Ask the man in your heart for the answers

And when you feel afraid, love one anotherWhen you've lost your way, love one anotherWhen you're all alone, love one anotherWhen you're far from home, love one anotherWhen you're down and out, love one anotherAll your hopes run out, love one anotherWhen you need a friend, love one anotherWhen you're near the end, love one anotherWe got to love one another

Light of the world, you got to shineLove will be a means, yeah, yeahShine on us allKnow that love can save the dayJust give it one more chanceLord you just can't let it stop lordLove is the answerGot to be free to let love into your lifeLet it shine

Thursday

Oddity:

I do not like the young lady who shares a connection with you to hang out with you. I do not trust her motives or her objectives.

I do not like that she hangs on you. I do not like her there when I'm reaching for you. This may sound possessive and extremely paranoid. I simply do not trust that you will remain with me with such a person trying to catch your attention. This may be insecurity, this may be jealousy. Whatever it is, please respect my wishes. I have been too many times in the situation of seeing a 'friend' become a 'lover' and myself being dumped for said 'lover' because of prior connections or feelings.

I am working on past experience, and while past experience does not qualify as proof in present circumstances, I am still leery of this 'connection' you share with her. I do not want to be dumped, let go or broken up with because you find her company more enjoyable. Just imagine what it will do to my heart and my soul, if you cannot just trust my feelings.

I just found you. I fear trust, Oddity. I do not want to limit you, and I feel that you are making every effort to convince me that you love me and that I am yours. I AM yours, heart mind body and soul. Do not forsake me.

Your Grrl, Your Woman, Your Lady, Your love.

Edit: I read my prior posts about you and can't understand why this sickening fear is gripping me. You do so much to show me you love me. All I can say is that I see a pattern I've seen before and I feel frightened.

Sunday

Thursday night, Grendel in NY told me our mutual friend Ellie passed away. My initial reaction was of shock and disbelief and denial: no, she's too young and alive. She was engaged to marry Hal, promoter that we practically grew up with in the club scene. She was lively, gorgeous, pretty industrialgoth, and growing into one hell of a sexy woman. She also had her problems - tempermental, excitable, on medication.

I cried myself to sleep for the next few nights as more details emerged. She had run out of her home after yet another fight with her fiance (tempermental) in a not so great but gentrifying part of Brooklyn. It was night. Seems her body was found in a park the next day, but her fiance was not notified until Thursday. This is all second hand, mind you; I did not have the heart to ask Hal about it. Gods, he did not deserve this. Nor, obviously did Ellie.

The biggest reason I cried myself to sleep is that Ellie is near my eldest daughter's age; I saw Ellie as a daughter. I have prayed that she was not attacked and killed, and so far, while I don't have the particulars, it looks like it was an accident along the lines of mixing medication and alcohol and high emotion. I know this is selfish; I'd rather Ellie were alive than dead, but at least, it wasn't a horrible or violent end. I think I'd go a little nuts if it were so.

I don't believe in life after death, but oh, Ellie, you were too young! Even far away people remember you! I was used to hearing about you at least every week; you were still close to my heart. I wish there were some way to communicate to you how much you did mean to people; maybe this might have moderated your reaction. We'll never know. So many people will miss you and your sly, sweet smile and bright eyes and completely 'ellie' ways. I will always remember you, Ellie.

I'm sorry, Hal, that I could not stay on the phone. I still do feel distant from you, even though I've known you most all my adult life so far. You definitely are hurting and to hear it in your voice breaks my heart more. I'm so sorry for this loss and for your pain. I send you all my love and support. May the Goddess guide and soothe you through this.