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df demystifies: “You’re Campus Advice™”

"df demystifies" is TechNews's singular advice column, offering students the opportunity to access 13 years of undergraduate experience to help make the decisions that will make or break their time at Illinois Tech.

DEAR df: I live in a dorm that shares a bathroom and thermostat with the dorm across from me. It’s a really nice place in a lot of ways, but lately there’s been a problem with the heat, and by problem, I mean my neighbor. You see, I like it a little on the warmer side; I have bad circulation in my fingers and they’re prone to going slightly numb if it’s too cold. Unfortunately, it would seem the other person prefers the opposite and keeps lowering the temperature a few degrees whenever I’m not in my room. Is there any way for me to address the issue indirectly without coming off as passive-aggressive? I’ve heard a lot of screaming and crashing come from their room and I don’t want to take chances with a direct confrontation.

---It’s Called Paresthesia Actually

DEAR ACTUALLY: Ah, truly a classic dilemma: the endless struggle between fire and ice; a tale writ across the sands of time. Or at least it would be unless you follow these instructions exactly (and precisely). Now the first step is preparation: you’re going to need rubber gloves, an apron, a rotary saw, bleach, and multiple boxes of heavy duty garbage bags. Next you’ll need to find an appropriate location: remote wilderness areas are best, but abandoned buildings can work in a pinch. Avoid rivers or other bodies of water, it might seem appealing but it’ll only ever be a temporary solution. After this is all taken care of it’s time to hurry up and wait. Don’t rush it, savor these few moments you have before your dispute is settled. It might seem crazy, but reflection before and after a problem is solved will only help you improve your conflict resolution skills. Hold off until there’s a perfect moment, usually this will be when they’re alone or when it's late at night, sometimes both, but don’t be afraid to do it when your gut tells you it's right. The rest of the steps should fall into place after that.

DEAR df: This is my first semester at IIT coming from a high school in the suburbs and I’m trying to make my relationship work with my girlfriend at a different college. It’s still in Illinois, but far enough away that weekend trips are only possible some of the time. In fact I haven’t seen her in the last three weeks because of midterms! We Skype each other every night but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it’s been hard on us. Last week was our three-year anniversary and I’m worried it’ll be our last if things don’t get better. What can I do besides dropping out and moving closer to her to save this relationship?

---Absence Makes the Heart Colder

DEAR HEART: Yikes! That sounds awful, I’m truly sorry you’re dealing with this because, believe it or not, I too have struggled with the dreaded long-distance relationship. It’s hard, it’s depressing, and ultimately it didn’t work out for me, so good luck. That being said, thanks to the times we live, in you have an advantage I could have never dreamed of: teledildonics. Now without getting into the technical details, teledildonics is a rapidly growing field of “distance love” which allows couples (or triads or other relationship polyhedra) to experience the warm caress of their partners through the miracle of the information superhighway. Additionally, VR has almost reached a point where antiquated notions of “physical proximity” and “intimacy” have been rapidly disrupted. To put all this another way: there are tools for you to prolong your relationship, you just have to look for them.

DEAR df: This is formatted to look like a question from someone at your school. As long as you hit the beats, correctly, eyes will glaze over and? No one will follow through with. Processing the written words being placed in front of them if you! Can somehow read this then need. To know that what you see, is just a simulation this. Is the easter egg that the developers of the simulation implanted for. You to get a glimpse of just how little you actually matter did you realize your entire. World and history is little more than a?

--- Disinterested Researchers Assigned

DEAR PROJECT: To model a universe where peaches had fuzz on them did. You know what we cut to, make room for that little. Tweak no you don’t and you never will but I’ll. Tell you anyway we have, five more colors and that’s only. Part of it there's, approximately a million ways in which life. Is just better than in the crappy little, box we’ve put. You in and it might, seem petty to tell you this to. Your face but no one is going to, read this? And the people who do are, just going to process it. As a lazy joke so really I’m not too, worried about this affecting the data we’re collecting which. Reminds me you people, are sick and it makes. Me nauseous just seeing the raw data. Representing what you! Do with your free time I don’t. Have anything else to say so how about hahaha, hah! Hahah ha hah hahahaha hah hahah.

Tune in to "are we cool yet?" broadcast live 10 p.m. to midnight every Wednesday exclusively on WIIT 88.9FM. If you would like to ask df a question go to fb.com/arewecoolyetFM and click 'message page'