The House passed a bill that would withhold congressmen's pay until they pass a budget. Huh. I wondered why I saw Harry Reid washing windshields at an off-ramp.

Golfer Phil Mickelson said it was a "big mistake" to publicly announce he was considering moving out of California for tax reasons. Although a bigger mistake would be staying and letting California bleed him dry.

According to sources familiar with the situation, Donald Trump is looking into ways to buy the New York Times. Donald is always looking for a good tax write off.

CBS is planning to air a new drama series that revolves around the Surgeon General. No word on whether it'll be called "The Panel".

President Obama flew from DC to Las Vegas just to give a single one-hour speech. If only there were some futuristic technology that would allow sounds to be heard over great distances...

A new poll shows that 72% of small business owners say they are suffering under government regulations. The other 28% were too busy filling out government paperwork to respond.

Thanks to its oil boom, North Dakota is struggling to find enough people to fill all the available jobs. President Obama said he was "very concerned" about their plight and vowed to fix the problem by banning oil drilling.

A new report shows the Labor Department spent $250 million on training grants, but didn't monitor them to see if they worked. Since their real purpose was to justify jobs at the Labor Department, I guess they did.

Reports are that the Chinese have been hacking NY Times computers. Odd. Guys, if you want our national security secrets just buy a subscription.

Hurricane Sandy victims are complaining that FEMA's contractors are performing shoddy repair work. There'd be more complaints, but the phone lines are still down.

The state of Illinois has had its credit downgraded to A- and is now the lowest in the nation. At this point their only hope is to collect back taxes from all those dead voters.

New York Times public editor Margaret Sullivan claimed "you wouldn't know who" most Times reporters voted for. Of course not. Unless you read their columns.

-- Fred Thompson

North Korea announced it will conduct a nuclear test and a long-range rocket test in preparation for a missile attack aimed at the U.S. They claim their missiles can hit the West Coast. Hillary Clinton is already blaming the attack on a film student's senior project.

Arnold Schwarzenegger sought to reconcile with Maria Shriver Friday. He had a ten-year affair and a child with his house maid. Maria says she wasn't so much bothered by the adultery but it's just ruined her reputation at NBC News as an investigative reporter.

Democratic U.S. Senator Dianne Feinstein of California introduced a bill Tuesday that's aimed at banning assault guns from being owned by U.S. citizens. Everyone expected it. It's a law of nature that the winning political party overreaches the day after the Inaugural.

The White House played down the fiasco that ensued from Beyonce's lip-syncing the National Anthem at Monday's Inaugural ceremony. The president made no mention of the staged fakery. His teleprompter said to just kiss her on the cheek and begin his speech.

Hillary Clinton blew up in Congress Wednesday when asked why the administration displaced blame for the Benghazi attack. Everyone cowered. It's a flash of temper no one's ever seen from Hillary unless they dated an intern and then lied to her about it.

Tina Turner moved to Switzerland Friday as France's richest man moved to Belgium to flee high taxes. Gerard Depardieu moved to Russia and Phil Mickelson is wavering. If there's ever going to be life on Mars it's going to be rich people escaping these governments.

President Obama flew to Las Vegas today to reveal his immigration reform proposal for allowing illegal aliens to have a pathway to citizenship. Californians are confused. We thought illegal aliens already had a pathway to citizenship, it's called the San Diego Freeway.

President Obama was attacked by a fly that landed on his forehead at an East Room function Thursday. Reaction was swift. The U.S. government just borrowed money from China for the Pentagon to buy fly-swatters from Raytheon for ten thousand dollars apiece.

President Obama was ruled to have unconstitutionally made recess appointments to labor's governing board Friday. It saves the non-union Boeing plant in Charleston. This is South Carolina's first victory over the United States in two wars and a nullification crisis.

Hillary Clinton was on CBS's 60 Minutes Sunday in an interview with Steve Kroft. She denied that the Obama Administration covered up its security failings in Benghazi with a cock-and-bull story about an anti-Muslim video. CBS's 60 Minutes is where Hillary first entered the national spotlight two decades ago to deny that her husband was a womanizer, and the show has had a laugh track ever since.

The Pentagon allowed women in combat units Tuesday, igniting a bitter debate over a woman's ability in ground combat. It's a tactical decision. We've been trying to defeat al-Qaeda for twenty years and we've tried everything on them except the silent treatment.

President Obama's campaign staff and operation was rolled into a permanent lobbying group on Friday. Democrats can still buy items on his website to support his efforts for hope and change. Each Obama bumper sticker comes with a Toyota Prius attached to it.

President Obama told the New Republic magazine in an interview Sunday that he often goes skeet shooting at Camp David. It's a skill he needs to acquire. Someday Barack Obama will move back home to Chicago and he needs to learn how to lead the intruder by two feet.

President Obama hosted the world champion Miami Heat at the White House Monday where the players took turns in the hallway taking photos in front of Bill Clinton's portrait. They idolize him. Everyone said Wilt Chamberlain's record of ten thousand women would never be broken so the players wanted to pose with the picture of the guy who did it.

Ready for Hillary filed papers at the FEC Monday so they can raise money to draft Hillary Clinton for president. She's survived Whitewater, Travelgate, Rose Law Firm billings investigations, an insider trading probe about her killing in cattle futures, and now Benghazi. Cockroaches say Hillary would be the only one left alive after a nuclear war.

President Obama flew to Nevada to give a speech on immigration reform Tuesday at a high school in Las Vegas. He had fun. Barack Obama was asked to speak in the high school because when you're sixteen trillion dollars in debt, they won't let you in the casino.

The Secret Service dog in Joe Biden's hotel suite leaped six stories off a balcony to its death Friday. Joe was on the road to give his speech justifying gun control and higher taxes. The dog's job is to protect the vice president and his heart just wasn't in it anymore.

A California mansion sold Tuesday for one hundred twenty million dollars in Silicon Valley where the high-tech geek billionaires all live. This explains why Hillary Clinton has been wearing those thick, horn-rimmed glasses in television interviews lately. With all the money she's going to need to run for president she needs to attact a wealthier husband.

The FBI raided the South Florida office of the eye doctor who is accused of providing underage hookers for Senator Bob Menendez in Puerto Rico. It's a foolproof cover. The senator's new defense is that his pupils were dilated and he couldn't tell how old they were.

Psychology Journal says people eat more junk food and gain weight in hard economic times. So Michelle Obama's healthy foods initiative and Barack Obama's economic policy are at war with one another. She says he's sabotaging her and he says she's tattling on him.

Senator John Kerry was confirmed as Secretary of State by a vote of the U.S. Senate on Tuesday. He married Heinz heiress Teresa shortly after her husband John Heinz died in a plane crash. Anyone with reflexes that fast is the the guy we want protecting U.S. interests.

-- Argus Hamilton

According to reports from a journal called Psychological Science, people eat more junk food and gain weight during tough economic times. How ironic is that? The biggest obstacle to Michelle Obama's war on obesity is President Obama's economic policy.

Zimbabwe's finance minister revealed yesterday that his country has only $217 left in the government Treasury. Today President Obama said, "Stop bragging!"

The Senate has overwhelmingly approved John Kerry as the next secretary of state. In his farewell speech today to the Senate, Kerry spoke for 51 minutes. So, apparently he does believe in torture.

In his farewell speech to the Senate this week, John Kerry spoke for 51 minutes about Washington being gridlocked. The cause of the gridlock? Senators giving 51-minute speeches.

-- Leno

Keri Russell stars in "The Americans." The first episode of this spy show was great. Their mission was to fake a drivers license for a young socialist Kenyan boy living in Hawaii.

– Craig Ferguson

“60 Minutes” anchor Steve Kroft is defending Sunday’s interview with President Obama and Hillary Clinton, saying that he didn’t have enough time to ask hard-hitting questions. That would be easier to believe if the name of his show wasn't the amount of time he had.

A bipartisan group of senators has unveiled a plan that would create a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as immigrants call that, "a tunnel."

– Jimmy Fallon

A Secret Service dog died during a fundraiser where Vice President Joe Biden was giving a speech. The dog is being described as "lucky."

– Conan

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Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy - just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. Not really, PaPa, it was boring.

We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, socialist left wing Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!" We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.

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I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate." Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?