I haven't checked to see what's going on in Benidorm for a while. There's a cross-dressing Geordie working behind the bar these days. A cross-dressing, Rollerblading Geordie. And Janey has made resort lothario Mateo wear a mankini for his aqua aerobics class. "Wey hey, it's Mr Motivator," says the cross-dressing Geordie.

Poor Mateo, he's angry, and a little overenthusiastic with his class, works them a bit too hard. To the extent that poor old Donald sadly dies in the pool. Don't you hate that, when there's a body floating around when you fancy a dip? Oh, he's not dead – just almost dead.

The cross-dressing Geordie bar man/maid calls happy hour on double entrendres, and they're going down a treat. The Garveys drive to a rendezvous with a gangster called Mr Pink and arrive at a tunnel.

Mick likes this one, because he does a variation of it at the karting track. "Mr Pink is bringing up the rear," he says, into the microphone so everyone can hear. "And not for the first time I should imagine!"

How is it that this stuff is being made, and screened, in 2011? It's like the script was taken from someone's collection of saucy postcards, and then made more offensive by Roy Chubby Brown. It's a bit unfair on the real Benidorm, too. I went there once – it was quite nice. I met the real Mr Motivator, doing aerobics on the beach. No one died, or even nearly died.

And what's going on in Corrie meanwhile? Oh lordy, Sophie's up on the church roof, she's going to jump. But the nice young pastor talks her out of it, with a bit of help from the gospels. He says God doesn't really mind that Sophie's a lesbian. Oh dear, Sophie falls anyway – now she's dead!

Oh, she's not dead, not even nearly dead – a sprained wrist and a couple of bruises, that's all. The problem was she wasn't on the roof proper, just like the porch bit. No one's going to kill themselves by falling off a church porch, are they? I think it was just a cry for help.