Friday, December 26, 2014

I have not written in a while, again. I would apologize for this however I have not known what it is I would write about. I finally have something. My experience is not unique in some ways, many ways. However in many it also is. This is to be expected however as we all are different, we all see things in our own ways and are effected by things in our own ways. For me, this trio of giants I must defeat, mountains I must climb, whatever expression you may use; is finally becoming clear to me.

What do you vision your battle to be? What do you see yourself as having to do to accomplish your battle? For me, and most likely for many, I saw my battle with pornography as a mountain I must climb. I have also seen it as a monster I am locked in battle with and must destroy. This is not correct. Me and my father have been reading a book called "Sitting in a Rowboat and Throwing Marbles at a Ship" by Andrew Pippanne. All of those in addiction should at least look at this book as it describes it like no one else will and goes through his recovery process in a very honest way. Going back to my battle, it is not a monster or a mountain. It is three Monsters. They are tower over me impossibly high and each carries a deadly array of weapons. They are faster than I can predict, and finally they fight together. One leading in while the others attack my exposed back. This is my reality and my fight. It is impossible. I am accepting this fact, I must accept this fight. I cannot win this, I cannot prevail against the impossible no matter how my rage grows or desperately I fight. For those against pornography, this is reality for us all. With other addictions, I can not say whether or not this is the case, I do not carry those burdens. But as for pornography this is our reality. I know there are some that have beaten their monsters themselves, but they are few and far in between and people whom I can't even begin to understand.

For those who look at that and say "that's not how it is, if you keep pushing you'll win!!" or "You're strong Brennan you can do this!" Or my absolute favorite "Why don't you just stop? It's that easy." There is one word that describes these statements. Bullshit. This is not the case, and let me explain what it is I face so you can understand that this is not the case and why hearing it only frustrates me and I'm sure other people that face this burden.

Like I explained earlier I carry three burdens, you could argue four, that pertain to one origin. The first is the pornography addiction. The second is depression. Third is my emotionless being. Fourth arguably is my rage/desire to destroy. Most of you would look at this and say well, pornography is definitely the one that you need to worry about and the rage. You are correct, those are the ones I need to be most careful of in terms of what will affect me or others the most visibly. However what about depression? The type I struggle with isn't blues, I lose ability to function on my worst days. I don't have the energy to get up or eat, I don't have the will to even look outside, and in some cases I want to end it and leave this hell I face. I'd have to say this isn't a small issue I can ignore.

Now what of my emotionless being? What this means is I do not care or feel for anything or anyone. My family, my friends, my own life. I feel no love, no sadness, no happiness, only a yearning to feel those things because I remember a time when I felt like a normal person. I could cry, I could laugh without faking it, I could hug my mother and feel love for her instead of a cold logical thought process of these people I will protect and give everything I can too. It's a way to compensate for my inability to feel something for them. I am the same way with my friends, I will do anything for those that I call friend. I don't feel anything honestly but I try to compensate for that. Can you even imagine what kind of hell it is to look around you and see love and happiness and not have the ability to feel the same? Or to see your friends falling in love and watching knowing you cannot feel that? It is depressing. It is frustrating, it makes me want to let loose my rage so that I can feel something, let something out. Again, I'd have to say this is serious, something I cannot ignore. This is why I watch anime, why I game, why I escape. Because I am tired of watching something I can't have and feeling the spot it used to be only being a cave in my chest. Granted like I said in a previous post, the anime I watch does trigger feelings for a short time which is healing for me.

I don't need to go into why my rage and desire to hurt and destroy is bad, why I cannot ignore it.

So again people would say "well, stop fighting the whole thing, focus on one thing at a time." Well I wish I could, but like I described they bounce off each other. Feeding the other power and strength. For an example, I decide I'm fighting the pornography so I am good for a period of time. Well, what's the reason that addicts have so hard of time fighting? Because initial sobriety sucks. I can't even describe how bad it can get. Every action and thought is towards one thing, use. So, as my sobriety increases, so does my inner storm and chaos. My rage and desire to hurt grows exponentially, and so, to counteract that I have to shut down myself even more to fight it which closes off any tiny emotions that may have unlocked by my sobriety and makes me even more cold and much harder of a person. Well because my emotions are even more locked down and I don't even feel rage, my depression begins to set in. It isn't "Oh I'm sad, I hate life, life sucks," etc. My energy drops with my desire to do anything. This goes until a certain time passes and then my rage begins to grow and I start loosing my control over it increasing my energy levels and inner chaos making me want to use even more simply to shut it down. This is just one example, they bounce off each other in many different ways, and each is not a battle I can win.

Like I said in the beginning, I cannot win this fight.

With that being said, just because I cannot win doesn't mean that someone else wont. I cannot deny Christ and Father being there. I fought them a long time because after my possession I did not trust them, I still have troubles, but they are the only way I can turn. The only way I can go. I am not saying I'm a full religious freak obeying everything and stuff. I still have my own beliefs, however I am looking towards organized religions and seeing what one has what I want in life, which at this point happens to be the LDS or Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints because they teach family's forever and they preach pure emotion. I cannot even describe how much I want to feel pure love or pure happiness. Something I cannot ever remember feeling. Looking at their basic teachings, they are also good, be the best person you can be. Who can argue that is a bad thing.

I'm not here to preach, but what I am saying is that turning to a higher power is my only chance in this fight of mine. When I am meditating consistently, connecting with god as I know he is and how I best do, and am doing everything else I can do to make sure I'm not in a situation that will give me only one option being to fail I have more success than with anything else I have tried. My therapist says this in a very good way and I will share it. It doesn't matter if you talk to god or the higher power through a tree or meditation and prayer, it only matters that you do it. I have accepted most of the time anyway, that I cannot win this battle. I simply cannot defeat the impossible which is why I have given it away, or am trying. This doesn't mean that I don't feel all the problems I am facing and it's gone, it is very much still there. However the burden is lighter, the pain is lessened. Maybe I am simply going further along the path of emotionless thinking, but I do know that it helps in my depression and pornography and even my rage problems.

My message with this is simple, the battle I face is impossible for me to fight, it simply is something I cannot win. So I wont fight it, I am simply giving it to someone that can. I am tired, I am beat, I have given everything to this fight, I cannot win and never will. Honestly, I am glad to give it up, maybe I can finally progress somewhere and start my journey to be where I want to be.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

A topic I was suggested to write about was my own experience in trying different ways to overcome this and why they did or did not help. I believe this will be good for both me and anyone else reading this, not because my methods will work for someone else but because it's a different view and something may help.

Honestly I cannot give a timeline, I only know what I have tried and what I haven't. I have tried the LDS 12 step program, forcing it out, using a sponsor, accepting it, using this blog, buying a bracelet that says I am a pornography fighter, used writing to get out my desires and my drives to slip up, and counseling.

First of all, the LDS 12 step is a fantastic idea and program. I do know that there are many many people who have gone through the program and seen fantastic results from following it. I also know that when 10 go in, only 4 or 5 may come out having found it to be a help. I personally did not find it to be of help to me. This may have been simply because I was not doing it in the way that it's believed you should. My relationship with god was not in a place I did everything relating to him in the program to the extent that others would. However I honestly did try. With everything I have tried until I want to cry and give up from the pain of fighting. The program for me was not positive. I would leave the meetings depressed and, not judged, but I left feeling gross. I did try three different meetings, the result was the same for me. Maybe after I get on the anti-depressants I"m supposed too it will help but we will have to see.

Forcing yourself to stop. When you tell yourself "nope, I'm not doing that. No, you are not doing that, No you are despicable you are not doing that, " any or more variations of this sentence actually give power to the desire. This is the case of whatever you are facing. From what my counselor suggested, don't fight the thought. Accept it with no emotion and move on. Training yourself to do that will eventually become second nature.

Sponsors are fantastic if you can get a hold of them, I will be looking for a new one, but the one I had in the 12 step program, while an incredible man and a great friend, was not available when I had the most troubles. I think that they are incredible if they can be there for you.

Accepting it, I don't have to say much here. Obviously if you just accept in as a part of yourself it will be. While saying you are garbage and stuff is extremely detrimental, simply accepting it and not fighting it will not improve things.

Going public with my fight has been the best thing for me, I haven't been perfect but I have seen more consistent progress doing this than anything else. Pornography thrives on secrecy and being hidden. Throwing that out of the picture makes it easier simply because it isn't there anymore. If you act a certain way there's not hiding it, people know and that's that.

Counseling helped for sure, I had someone to talk too. Addiction is a symptom of something else. For me, my loneliness and depression drive it. Finding out what the base things that drive it help anyone so you know what to work on to help get rid of the addiction.

Writing did not help. It has helped me to get out my emotions, to help me to feel like a normal person to my knowledge. But writing out my desires in the porn. and using that to help get rid of the urges was not good. It was simply a turn on.

These are the main things that I can remember, I hope this will provide a little insight for those fighting and those helping those who are fighting.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

It's been a while since my last post, mostly because I haven't really known what to post about. I mean I covered my past, I covered what I wanted to say, now really all that's left is my day to day or week to week fight against this addiction of mine. So, this is what my future posts will be about.

The last while has been interesting for me, I'm seeing a therapist now to help with my depression and the anger issues and attachment tendencies I have. In any case he pointed out something very interesting to me in our last discussion that's been on my mind. We were talking about my past and kinda what made me me. and when I mentioned when I had started using porn and then my problems with emotion and feeling, he said that because I had been using porn for so long, using it was the only way that I know how to feel. In a sense he is correct, if you look at the times I have been able to fight it and get some serious sobriety it's all been when I have something to fight for and emotion is involved. I'm in love with a girl, or when I was fighting to be clean long enough I could go to the temple with the family. Every time that I think of it being gone is in an instance like that.

On the flip side, when I feel emotional pain I turn to it to cut off my emotion. Numbing myself so I don't have to feel the pain anymore. It's a constant pattern, I start feeling lonely, I start feeling my emotions of pain from past relationships, my depression kicks up and I am feeling hopeless about life, the list goes on. I immediately turn to porn for that numbing effect. Knowing this has been helping me because now I understand at least part of my use is dependent on that condition. The other being I'm hornier than a dog and want the release or fix.

My fight is perfect, I'm still struggling a lot, it's hard for me at this point to use my emotions to my advantage like I had been hoping simply because they are locked away right now. Some of you would say just unlock them, unfortunately this isn't something I can really do well at all. It's a huge problem for me. Anyway my plan now is to set a plan for my future, decide where I want to go and what I want to become, write it down. I've found if I don't write something down it might as well not exist. So write that down and put it where I may be having issues so I can see it.

So earlier I mentioned that I write to help get out my negative emotions as well as the good ones, well if you feel you want to read what I have written then follow this link and it'll take you there. Before you do though understand this is me getting out my emotions, the writing is very very raw and to a lot of you too much. It's very violent a lot of the time, and very dark. It's what I love to write so sorry for those that are looking for something else. Also what is up isn't done, it needs to be rewritten and edited however what's up is a first draft. anyway here's the link

http://www.wattpad.com/story/15519097-let%27s-play

Again it isn't finished but it's out there. There is one more story in there that has two published parts. If you wish to read more contact me, I have more that isn't published on that one. anyway there ya go

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

When I started this blog, I said something critical. I am accountable to all of you. What this entails is letting you know my ups as well as my downs in this journey I am taking. So this is where that begins.

As for my ups, I made it a week clean, I made it through hell. I have tried countless times to overcome this addiction and trial of mine. I can honestly say I haven't been tempted and put through what I have in this round. I cannot go into details because of privacy, however I have lost a few friends. I have found out others that I care about are dealing with suicide, cutting, porn themselves. I am a helper and older brother. I by nature take on more stress than I should and this, the non-stop insatiable urges all have been crazy to call it simply. However I did make it that first week, I believe it will continue to be this hard until I pass the three month line which is where habits begin to break.

Now as for the bad, the last few days I have messed up, I gave in to the cravings and I regret it horribly. My nature is to hide it however if I am to do this I must do what I promise and follow the rules I have set. Make new ones as situations come up, etc. So, here I am admitting that I have fallen to both the porn and masturbation urges. They do go together and when one goes the other follows.

So, I would like to make a point with this fall. I was triggered while on Tinder, a dating app. I have it because I have at this point very very few friends that are girls that I really associate with. Now, so they don't get mad I have plenty of friends that are girls, however most are married or in a serious relationship which as well all know drives them to their own selves which is fine and okay, however I can't date you so there's that. Others I have either driven away by my own isolating actions or for simply time having driven a wedge between us. So I was trying it to make new friends and maybe go on a few dates. The reason I am saying this is because it is the innocent things that are the things you must watch out for. Music, a tv show, dating app, the list can go on. It continues to honestly amaze me the tools the adversary has gathered to carry out this power he has. Everything is infected in some way. In nature there is balance, it is a basic law that everything must follow. Where there is good there is bad and it is surprising to see just everything that is being used for the purpose of having every person get at least introduced to this drug.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

There is another side to all of this which I would like to talk about. This is the side of the story is from the producers. Now I haven't produced movies or videos or done photo shoots, however I am a writer. I want to explain first how the process is of entrapment goes as well as the people you look for.

First off, Men. You are easy, let's be honest. You see a pair of breasts no matter how covered are gonna catch your eye and you're gonna think about them. The only challenge is to get you to rationalize seeing them more and more uncovered and past that in sex acts. So, You see a picture of a girl with a link, She's not dressed well, she is set in a provocative pose. Out of curiousity you click on it and bam she's a little less dressed and so on. There you go it's set in your mind and you're gonna have a hell of a time gettting rid of that picture. So out of curiousity you go back and it gets farther and farther. That's the general way to get a dude. Another way is bam show him an attractive naked women in a sexy pose. Another is doing the same but making it a joke which was how I was. In any case it's easy to get a guy hooked and the process of choosing is simple. Every heterosexual dude will go for it.

Now women, obviously this is more what I was going for when I wrote. A lot of you may say "women? Porn? Really?" Simply said yes. As of recently the amount of women and men that are addicted to pornography is almost equal. It started with girls looking at what their boyfriends were looking at and talking about and then they would get hooked. Nowadays there is an actual category of porn now dedicated to women. For them it is all about the emotional side of it and the anticipation of things. It's slow, beautiful, called art. And honestly I'd almost agree with them because the way they orchestrate things is more, beautiful. That's how it's done. This is why when husbands or boyfriends are told if they want to have sex that night start the morning doing the dishes and cooking breakfast. The emotional side of things turns them on. When you do make love, have sex, whatever they aren't like men. Turn the switch, bam you're done. Literally. For women you cradle, take your time, ease into things. Generally there are exceptions. In any case the reason I am going into this is because I know the others side and what they look for and how they use that.

When you are looking for a girl to use for one of these things, you look for insecurity or a huge self image. Flattery or bending their insecurity to their advantage. That's literally how they get them to do vids. A porn producer wrote, paraphrasing, he would invite these girls to his place, showing off what could be theirs with the money they could earn, but then end it with something like "Oh I can't allow this, your parents would never agree." Of course they would turn to that. This is just one way. I myself would talk to the girl, I'd bring up that I could write and show them a little piece.

"We were on a date. The ocean lapped at the shore, crashed far away down the beach. The sun set in the horizon. Brilliant orange and violet shone from it's light, dripping into the ocean like paint onto a painters pallet. Sun warmed sand cradled our bodies," Etc I wont continue.

Then I'd give just a tease on, just enough to turn them on but not go too far. Of course they'd ask another, and another, taking them farther and farther until they were fully under my control in their passion. It was a drug. When they were high they would do anything, and begged me for more. A girl I used this on is now a sex, drug, and alcohol addict. I understand that most of these choices were hers, however I know I did influence it and I will pay for the damage I have done.

Now why do I say this? Because I want to warn you, both men and women, that this is serious and it's easy. That's why I say there is nothing you can do to keep people from being at least introduced to whatever level they are because it's easy and it's everywhere.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

I'd like to share my story, what I've been through and what has shaped me to become the broken animal that I am today. Please understand this is...difficult to say in the least. Some of this even my therapist hasn't been told, but I feel like I need to be completely open. I need to face everything that I am in order to heal. There are some wounds that may heal on the surface, but because of infection you need to rip them open again, clean it out, then let it breath and heal from the inside out. This is what I hope this does for me.

The average age when a child is introduced to pornography is 11-12. I was introduced around the age of 8 or 9. I do not blame the person that did, he was introduced at the same age as me by who I do not know, to me however what was portrayed as funny, innocent was the beginning of my misery. For a few years I did not revisit this evil however at the age of 11 or 12, as you can see my memory is not good from a combination of several things, in any case I became entrapped in its horrible embrace. I dove in, searching things that even now shame me, I was without control. The most disgusting acts becoming a...view of pleasure and a stance against what I had been taught was right. A rebellion.

Now, I am a member of only a few, I did not begin there with masturbation. I simply used the porn as the rebellion, to break the control over my life. Or what I felt was that. I believe this was the case anyway, that is all I can make of it anyway, Maybe I just didn't have the ability to control and it controlled me, I don't know. This is all I can think of it being anyway. In any case I followed this routine for two years. Until my grandparents confronted me, explaining they knew what I had done, What I had been doing. I was too dumb to delete the browser history. I will forever be grateful to them for this, later when asked they didn't remember this. However it is one of the few things I do remember. One of the things they also said is they wouldn't tell my parents, they knew what they would say so didn't need too. Honestly I am grateful that they did not tell them, it was something I had to confess myself. I did a few weeks later. I still remember the pain of both confessing and also seeing the look on my mothers face, the shock, horrified look, then the pain. I don't remember after that very much however I stopped cold turkey for a period of three years. Until I was fourteen.

This was my early high school years, I was having bad insomnia and was told to use a massage machine to relax my body to help sleep and I did. It worked miraculously. However when you massage your entire body well, that shouldn't be hard to put together. I discovered masturbation. I immediately knew what had happened when I..finished. My first thoughts were horrified at myself that I had done something so dirty, until my mind analyzed what had happened. It had felt incredibly I was hooked, it didn't feel dirty, it didn't feel wrong, it felt amazing. It helped me sleep, it relieved my stress. Those that have done this know the list. Best of all it took me away from my depression, my emotions, the pain I was going through. I was alone at the time, I felt I was the one carrying my family through the trials that they were going through. I felt that I had to be strong and to be the strength of my brothers and sister as well as for my mother. So through my depression I carried on my addiction as a desperate attempt to keep in control of myself. I honestly think it both caused it to worsen, but also kept me alive. Because I had both attempted suicide and continually had constant thoughts of it I used it to get away from my misery. However with this I grew farther and farther into it. I became emotionally lost. I split myself. At home I was happy, I was strong, I was the man of the house. At school I was quiet, but social within my groups, in choir I was strong and gave it my all. I was someone different for every person I met, I became a true chameleon. When I tell people about this time of my life I tell them "every day I was wanting to kill myself and no one had a clue." To this day I suffer from this period of my life in many ways which I will bring to light later on.

Continuing I kept on living this life, throughout high school I was this person until my second year in high school where I met my brothers. friends that didn't care about my issues that they knew of, didn't care I was a little socially awkward, didn't care I was quiet. Didn't care that I was screwed up. But still I continued with my addiction. Continued shutting down my emotions, continuing to resist my desire to end it, and continuing to try to live. Fortunately by this time I was trying to fight. I understood I was in the wrong in my addicction and actions. But I couldn't. I only had one real girl friend in high school and I do not believe I truly had the capacity to feel love towards her or anyone else. I am sorry for the pain I caused her. Others of course came along, and while she was the only one I that was official, I tried, I gave everything to care, but it simply wasnt in my capacity. It wasn't until this year I even had that possibility to love, which was something I honestly didn't believe I had the capacity for. In any case this of course caused me great pain, until I didn't even have the capacity for that. Because of what I did, shutting down every emotion. Killing myself I became sociopathic. I was extremely manipulative, I only cared about the manipulation. the contorl over other people. This was my life. I was an empty shell with only one desire. One want, no matter what I truly desired.

Now, there is something that happened during this time that I must explain. Many will not believe this, or will chose to not accept it. However I feel it is necessary to explain as it is part of what my story is. For those that are religous, it is common belief that we not only have our bodies but also a spirit. I believe this and science has shown this is a high possibility. Now, when you do something or commit somethign that is against the core of human nature and the spirit there is a rift created, the spirit cannot reside in evil. I was being literal when I said I was an empty shell. Logically there will always be something that will fill nothing. To be clear, I was possessed by a devil. I had truly lost the ability to control my own body. I can't tell you the time frame of this, how long he was inside me, but I can tell you the horror of it. The filth you feel inside, the absolute terror of every day of your life. Wishing for it to end, begging, but not having that ability. Begging to be free but not having that power. I finally broke down, I called my bishop, he exorcised me. I was exorcised on.

When you watch the horror movies, the evil dispels and all is good after the spirit is gone and its happily every after. I can promise you this is not the case. Hell doesn't let go of what it holds. I was plagued up even until this day by its presence. I saw him everywhere. If not for the support of someone that loved me, someone that stood beside me while I went from just sociopath to also psychotic, to becoming insane. I saw demons everywhere, I saw evil everywhere I looked. I can never repay what this person did for me. What strength she gave me, I literally owe my life to her. I am lucky to have met her. Thankfully now I only see him on the anniversary of my exorcism. And I have found the way to make him powerless over me. Hell has limitless power, however everything has rules. Everything must follow logic, balance, the rules of science. Hells power is only as limitless as you allow it to be. Fear is its power, courage, belief in something greater, that is the key. That is it's limit. He cannot hurt me, demons that plague you cannot hurt you if only you allow it to be that way.

After high school things remained the same. I tried many things to over come my addiction. Overcoming the control it had on me. I fought on and off, never having more than three weeks of sobriety. I can say I never really had the strength or will to fight it, to overcome it. I guess I just assumed it was a part of my life.

Now this is pretty much my story, my efforts my life however there is one more thing that I have only recently discovered. A side effect of what I had done to myself. This is a warning. When I shut out my emotions, when I controlled it to the point of convincing myself that I didn't feel, I closed off everything from happiness to sadness to anger. Everything. This is impossible to do 100% unless you are truly sociopathic to the core. I am not, only partly and lessening. In any case things like happiness, sadness, I could release in tiny bursts. The pressure was at least lessened. However some things I didn't. Sadness I did not until very recently release, cried for the first time in almost 10 years. The other thing I never released was anger, hatred. Recently, in the last year, I began to notice it boiling ravegly beneath my layer of control. Threatening to overcome everything about me. I wanted nothing more than to release it. To tear apart everything that stood in my way, to dance in the dance of death. Almost losing control on several occasions. I was again blessed to meet someone that calmed that, took it away when it was at its worst. Now I write. I write out my emotions, even publishing some of the writings I have written. I am warning those that do this to stop immediately, find the little things that release those emotions. Suprisingly enough anime is hugely helpful with releasing both sadness and feeling emotions like love because of the rawness they portray them. Writing obviously is one as well and the gym is another, though that's another discussion.

Well this is my life in a quick nutshell of what this addiction has caused me, and the side effects of going into it. The issues I face today, there are more. And there are many many wonderful things and people that have affected my life. I have had a good life, one filled with with much bad, but not all. Honestly I am happy with what I have experienced, I can empathize to a huge degree what most cannot. I understand so much. I understand pain, I understand loneliness. I understand a lot, and when I overcome it all I will be much stronger with it. It will take time, but I will overcome all my issues, I will overcome the pain that has plagued me since I was so young.

Monday, November 3, 2014

First off, most of those reading this, at least at first will not like what I am writing about and I am expecting some if not most to go further to separate themselves from any presence of mine. I am okay with that, I understand, and I do not blame you. This will not be easy what I am talking about, probably one of the hardest things I have done in my life actually. However, it's time for me to move foreword and to do everything I can possible to try and get out of the hell I am living every day of my life. To live life like someone normal.

This is my story and my struggles with mainly pornography and the things that have happened because of it. This is my last stand, my last effort that I can manage and one I hope will be beneficial to me. To most this news is not new, I recently posted on my social media that I wear a Fight The New Drug, a group against porn in general but also strongly against teenagers in porn with a program that I highly recommend to those fighting this drug, wrist band as a stand that I am attempting to fight the drug of my life. However I need more than that, I rely almost completely on the people I have the ability to care about and I have to do whatever I can for them, well now I'm accountable to them. I am accountable to all of you. I am overcoming this, I am getting my life back.

Now, in this blog I will be blunt, I will be truthful. No lies, no bullshit, I am me and so this is why I say that this will not be for everyone so please understand that and if it is too much then don't read. While that may be a case for some, I know that most people, if not every person that reads this, has problems with one of the many things I will talk about and I hope that this will be a comfort and a strength to you as well as me.