UNIX Support Line

The following is original, but it’s by our entire organization (which, for safety’s sake, must remain anonymous).

I work at the support hotline for a large company that sells Unix systems. Customer calls are first handled by a group of receptionists, who determine the general nature of each caller’s problem or question and then place it on a queue. The receptionists attach a “headline” to each call, so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is within their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not generally familiar with Unix.

Sometimes the receptionist mangles Unix in a funny way.

“Previous shelves have been filled. Processes are dangling.”
“Trying to get a back door booth”
“Problem with supper block”
“Questions on the fuzzy disk controller”
“Problem with the getty desk”
Spelling errors can happen.

“Trying to run with terminal cannot get into software”
This one came up just before war broke out in the gulf.

“Colonel destroyed”
Sometimes, you just have to wonder…

“Users are getting bumped off and hanging up”
… What presence of mind, replacing the handset just as they die.
“Printer not talking properly”
… Start it on the simple words: see Spot run…
“Problem with PC going into the Unix box”
… Tell that PC to STAY PUT!
“How much swab space?”
… Check the QTIP parameter, or blow your nose before calling us.
“Command responds too rapidly”
… Maybe you can downgrade to a slower CPU.
“Would like to kill a certain group of users”
… Yeah, well, wouldn’t we all.
“Syster is hung for the last 2 days”
… Sounds like a personal problem!
Finally, this one is just too theoretical.

“How can she enter data into a hard coated field?”
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.nutworks
Subject: 1991 Unix support headlines
From: [email protected]
Date: Sat, 29 Feb 92 4:30:4 EST
(These went over well last year, so I kept a list for this year.)

I work at the support hotline for a fairly large Unix vendor. Customer calls are intercepted by a group of receptionists, who determine the general nature of each caller’s problem or question and then place it on an electronic queue. The receptionists attach a “headline” to each call, so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is in their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not generally familiar with Unix.

“Cannot get into the library”
“Runaway process boards”
“Terminals need to be brightened up”
…you can ignore this problem until they’re suicidal.
“Question about braking when dialing in from a modem”
…calling from your car phone?
“Does not see the boot”
…check the end of your foot.
“Terminal has no cusor and making a high pitch wine”
…mmmm, just LOVE that high pitch wine!
“Cannot get into Telnet”
…yeah, telnet is pretty boring.
“Constant memory vaults”
…you’re using too many JUMP instructions.
“X’s and O’s on terminal”
…how cute, it’s just telling you it loves you.
“Terminal density is gone – cannot see screen”
…someone call a physicist — their system is losing its mass!
“Bust fault and reset of system”
…can the hardware guy install a bra?
There is some hardware we just don’t support.

“Install wife terminal”
“Has a PC that knocks down all terminals”
“Foot disk needs to be reformatted”
…contact your chiropractor.
“Actuary on printer is out”
…are they at an insurance company?
This is clearly NOT a software problem.

“Trouble with electrical smell on system”
This one came up a few weeks after Gorbachev had his trouble:

“Is it possible to communicate with a Unix machine?”
“Too much paper during printing”
Sometimes, you just have to wonder…

“Getting a parody error”
“If terminal is off, can’t get prompt back”
“Having ahard disfailure”
“Question about configuration of Woodperfect”
“Set off a background process accidentally and wants to kill”
…I, too, would kill after making such a mistake.
“Questions on fox based software”
…those animals really do understand relational databases!
“Problem logging onto root, gets Chinese characters”
…oh, your console is upside-down.
“Each time he accesses a dose you have to reset the terminal”
…wow, man, the screen is breathing…
“Kill process logs users off system”
…it does tend to do that.
“Question on repetitioning the disc”
…we have here a signed statement: you should increase swap.
“Q how to do PCP over x dot 25”
…please, don’t network under the influence.
“UPS DOWN”
…and down is up, right, sir?