'How Can I Be More Sensitive To Her Sex Needs?'

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Dear FHM,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a while now. We’re pretty happy and consider ourselves an average couple. You know, the kind who has boring-ish sex. Don’t get me wrong, I still find her hot and all, but I noticed she isn’t as excited about getting intimate as she used to be. Ironically, we’ve been having sex for a long time, but I feel even more confused as to what she wants in the bedroom than when we first started. How do I fix this?

Give yourself a pat on the back, because you’re already accomplished Step 1 in our completely made-up manual on how to be a decent lover: Actually acknowledging that she has sex needs—you know, not just needing to please you, which is a totally bogus way of thinking best left to the misogynistic titos and Tito Sottos of the world.

So, moving on to Step 2: Getting into her head, so you know what to do to get her off. In case you haven’t been reading any of the articles this magazine and site has put out in the past 20 years—we get it, you’re here for the pictures—here’s a little refresher: Ladies are wired entirely differently, and that goes for kink, too. No matter how prudish or sexually liberated your girl is, you’re not going to go very far if you keep thinking she gets off exactly the same way you do. (But yes, some girls do like porn).

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Case in point: When was the last time you were too tuckered out to get it on? Did a headache ever stop you from knocking boots? It sounds simplistic, but you know it’s true: the antidote to a bad day is sex, and the perfect end to a good day is still sex.

For the ladies, her psyche certainly plays a part in how hot and bothered she can get between the sheets. Headaches aren’t cop-outs—they’re legit reasons not to do the deed because it’s pretty hard for her to get turned on, much less achieve a big O, when she can’t even focus on your orchestrations. Stressful day at work? A minor tiff with her mother or best friend? All guaranteed to put a damper on her, well, getting damp down there.

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Suffice it to say, being more sensitive to her sex needs means being sensitive to her, period. (Oh yeah, about those—periods throw everything even more out of whack. We’re not even going to begin to mansplain how her period affects her sex drive, so let’s leave it at this: Figuring your lady out while she’s on her period is pretty much like being Mad Max, chained and careening down Fury Road).

Being sensitive to her mental state and feelings (ever-changing as they may be) isn’t just a gateway to great sex, it just makes you an overall decent dude. And that’s actually another hot tip: Decent dudes generally have no difficulty sealing the deal. So get your head out of your own butt and listen to her. Stop viewing her shit through your own filter of shit. Stop being tone-deaf and giving her your opinion at every turn. Boom! You’re already 100 percent more sensitive to all her needs—sexual or otherwise—than you were than you woke up this morning.

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Tapped into your soft-boy persona yet? Good. Onto Step 3: Just ask her what she needs. Heck, ask her what she wants. Check into your usual spot, pop open a bottle of wine. Instead of assaulting her with your usual “signature” moves, give her the floor (or the bed, or the shower, all of the above, sulitin ang bayad). Ask her what music makes her feel sexiest. Discuss the merits of sex toys and role playing. Prompt her with “Do you like it when….?” Or ask her what her earliest fantasies were about. Make it a little more cerebral—turn it into a conversation that tickles her mind as much as it tickles her…you get it.

Of course, this only works if you check your ego at the door. Give her space to talk, really talk about what rocks her socks. It won’t all come out in one day—it takes a lot of time (and practice) to sync up sexually, but just by giving her the space to feel safe and free enough to unleash her inner freak will already make sex much more satisfying for you.