The Pope Requests You Stop Stealing His Blood and Jesus' Foreskin, Thanks

We'd really appreciate it

A vial of Pope John Paul II's bloodwas stolen from a small Italian church late last week, prompting the questions, A) How do you get blood out of a church? (answer: soda water, dab don't scrub), and B) What the hell are people gonna do with a vial of a dead guy's blood?

Until we see Pope JP II clones walking the street in all their papal fineries, we are gonna have to assume that it all of this has to do with some Oceans-11 type shit involving smuggling effectively worthless bodily liquids out of a tiny chapel.

Given that JP II is to become a saint in April, there's no surprise that people are after blood now more than before. While most (saner) (not spooked out by an imaginary man in the sky) people wouldn't know what to do with a little vial of blood – religious leaders can use the artifacts to draw people to their churches. Which in turn brings in money. And Lord knows, should He exist, that this is really all about the money, honey.

But if you think that stealing old blood from a hillside chapel is crazy, dig, if you will, this picture: Jesus's foreskin was stolen in 1983 and nobody has figured out who dunnit. It was ganked from a shoebox at the back of a priest's wardrobe, too, and has spent the last 31 years in some sort of foreskin-limbo, to coin a phrase. Exactly what the lil' Jesus-piece was doing in a shoebox in a priest's wardrobe is anyone's guess, but one explanation could be that the Vatican itself sent for the re-removal of the foreskin from the church in order to get a grip, so to speak, on all the religious artifacts out there. Of course, the lil' holy dude's removable inner-tube might have been one of, at some estimates, approximately 8 to 18 foreskins claiming to be of the body of Christ.

If anyone has the movie rights to this we call dibs: Jack Black and John Malkovich as an old priest and a young priest lookin' to find that 'skin!

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