The Donahues Episode 228

Ryan pursues Triston’s old High School friend but must deal with an old High School nemesis of his, Jacob has a dream about Ethan dying and fears becoming like his father and Mayor Sarandon is forced to resign as Mayor

Submitted: September 22, 2015

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Submitted: September 22, 2015

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THE DONAHUES

“I WANT WIND TO BLOW”

TV-MA LV

“There’s no hope for me. I’ve been set free, there’s no breeze, there’s no ship on my sea”

Phil Elverum

(We start with Ryan, Triston, Bones and some brunette girl with thick-brimmed glasses in Triston’s dorm. The girl is on the computer)

RYAN: Are you almost done?

GIRL: Don’t rush me!

BONES: What is Mallory doin’?

TRISTON: She’s taking the “Rice Purity Test”. It’s a test that Christian frats at Rice University give to see how pure pledges are in matters sexual, drug-related and alcohol-related.

RYAN: I better not take it.

MALLORY: Now you have to take it. By the way, this one question confuses me.

TRISTON: What is it?

MALLORY: The question is, “have you ever danced without leaving room for Jesus?”

JESUS: Just move over a bit, I mean, damn. I can’t even get my groove on.

(Cut back to Triston’s dorm)

MALLORY: Well, now I’m done.

BONES: What’d you get?

MALLORY: Oh, wow.

TRISTON: What is it?

MALLORY: It’s a 42.

(Mallory laughs)

TRISTON: Out of 100?!

MALLORY: Yeah. I feel so impure!

RYAN: You won’t after I’m done with it. I might get a zero.

MALLORY: Have you ever committed bestiality?

RYAN: …My dog saw me naked once, if that counts.

(Mallory laughs)

TRISTON: It doesn’t. Why are you trying to get a low score?

(Someone knocks on the door)

RYAN: Come in!

BONES: It’s locked, dude.

RYAN: Oh yeah.

(Bones gets up and opens the door to see a kind of stalky stoner-looking kid standing there)

STONER KID: S’up?

BONES: Hey, Bernard, what’s goin’ on mane?

(Bones fist bumps the kid)

MALLORY: I thought Bernard was the heavyset one who complains about everything?

RYAN: Mallory, he’s in the other room.

MALLORY: Oh, sorry. (Whispering) I thought Bernard was the fat fuck who bitches about everything?

TRISTON: You got quieter, but ruder.

MALLORY: Sorry.

BONES: Bernard is that guy, but he’s Ryan’s roommate, and this Bernard is a different Bernard. He’s a rapper, in fact.

MALLORY: Well, I’m going to call him Bernie, to avoid confusion.

RYAN: Bernie 2016.

BERNIE: #FeelTheBern.

(Bernie shuts the door behind him)

RYAN: Speaking of which, I can’t wait to see that GOP debate on Wednesday night. Should be fucking epic.

TRISTON: It should just be a debate between Donald Trump’s hair and Carly Fiorina’s face.

MALLORY: And Megyn Kelly’s vagina can moderate.

(They all laugh)

RYAN: I just want to see Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton face off, while Martin O’Malley, Jim Webb and Lincoln Chaffee watch.

BERNIE: Yeah, Bernie is dead even with Hillary in Iowa. I think America is starting feel the Bern even more than Bernie Sanders does when he urinates thirteen times a day.

TRISTON: It’s amazing to see how a man so old can excite a base so young.

MALLORY: So, Bernie, you’re a rapper?

BERNIE: Yeah.

BONES: Show ‘em, nigga.

BERNIE: Give me a beat, man. (Triston starts beat boxing, but Bernie doesn’t look pleased) Nah, fuck it, I can do without. (Triston stops, and looks visibly disappointed, as Bernie starts rapping)
My name’s Bernard, and I’ll make your girl hard, as she rides me like an animal on a farm. I mean no harm, I just cut bitches like a Deli cuts parm. I’m a white kid, grew up in Glen head, now I
live in Whiteface and my drunk face is as red as Glenn Beck’s head.

BONES: Nigga, that was tight!!!

(Bones and Bernie fist bump)

RYAN: That was actually really great, yeah.

BERNIE: You know what else is great?

RYAN: What?

BERNIE: Parties. Because we’re going to one.

RYAN: When?

BERNIE: It starts at ten, over at an apartment complex near campus.

MALLORY: So it’s a party? That’d be interesting, I’ve never been to one.

RYAN: You’ve never been to a party?

TRISTON: No, because when we were in High School I would never go to them with her.

MALLORY: So I chose not to go because this pussy was too much of a dick.

RYAN: What a paradox. Well, hey, this dick doesn’t have to come and you can go with us! Although you should go, Triston.

TRISTON: You guys go ahead. I don’t like parties. Too many people, it makes me claustrophobic.

BERNIE: They’re not gonna all gather around you, dawg.

MALLORY: What usually happens at a party?

RYAN: …Uhhh…a lot of things?

MALLORY: Am I supposed to chant when I get in there?

RYAN: Chant?

MALLORY: Like, you know, “CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!”

RYAN: Don’t chant.

BERNIE: This bitch is trippin’.

BONES: Bro, that’s messed up.

BERNIE: Sorry.

MALLORY: I gotta do something like that, right?!

BONES: Only if someone has a lot of alcohol and the moment feels right, you know? Like, this shit ain’t a science.

BONES: So who’s going to pick us up later? I don’t wanna stumble home drunk in the middle of the night. But if we gotta, I got this- (Bones pulls out a stick) piece just in case we get jumped.

RYAN: That’s a stick, dude.

BONES: Doesn’t mean it’s not a piece.

RYAN: So, Mallory, how’d you get a 42 on the Rice Purity test if you’ve never been to a party?

MALLORY: I don’t know. I guess all my iniquities were committed in private.

RYAN: Hmm. Mine were mostly in public. Some of them are public record if you just go on the Hansbay Municipal Court’s website.

(Mallory laughs)

MALLORY: God, yeah, I don’t know. I don’t even do drugs or smoke cigarettes or anything, so I don’t understand how I got a score that bad. I guess I just don’t attract guys who are in it for the
long haul. And when I do…the haul is too long.

RYAN: What do you mean?

MALLORY: I know this guy named Chris.

RYAN: Chris who?

MALLORY: Chris Hayes. You know him?

RYAN: Son of a Bitch, Chris Hayes goes to SUNY Plattsburgh?!

MALLORY: Yeah, did you go to High School with him?

RYAN: Yeah, but I didn’t realize he graduated. But I guess it makes sense, because he’s 18 now. If he goes to school in Plattsburgh, how does he possibly film All In With Chris Hayes in New York
City?

MALLORY: He films it in Plattsburgh but tells his viewers it’s from New York City, but he doesn’t talk about his show that often, to be honest. He mostly just…creeps me out.

(They all walk towards an apartment complex)

RYAN: I want to hear more about this later.

(They all walk up the stairs and walk up to apartment 87B)

BERNIE: Everyone be cool.

MALLORY: What does that mean?

RYAN: Just relax-

MALLORY: CHUG!

RYAN: SHHH!!

(Bernie knocks on the door, and some fratty guy opens the door. There are a bunch of fratty guys in the apartment behind him, drinking, talking and playing beer pong)

FIONA: In election news, former Texas Governor Rick Perry has dropped out of the race for the Republican nomination for President. Perry is the first candidate to drop out of the race. His campaign
suffered from high turnover, low support and a lack of funds. However, some Rick Perry-supporting Super PACs have said they will continue to raise money for ads supporting Perry despite his
dropping out. When asked how this works, the organization proposed simply stacking bags of money six feet high, dressing it in a suit, and calling it a candidate. Perry PAC sources said that this
approach would “cut out the middle man”.

PATRICK: In non-election news, Syrian-okay, Lisa, are you sure this is right?

LISA: (Off screen) Yeah?

PATRICK: We’re 14 months away from Election Day, why are we reporting on anything else? Ugh, never mind, fine, here we go. (Clears throat) Syrian refugees have caused a major problem for European
countries in recent weeks. The mass flood of those trying to escape from the extremely bloody four-year long Syrian Civil War has caused a headache for European powers who must decide how many to
take, and who to leave behind.

FIONA: President Obama has reportedly offered to take 10,000 Syrian refugees by the end of the Fiscal year. Some have raised concerns about this policy, with one FOX News analyst calling it a
potential “federally-sanctioned welcome party for terrorists”.

PATRICK: And who knows if they’re going to have enough flan for that welcome party. That’s the real concern.

FIONA: You’re a moron.

PATRICK: Alright.

FIONA: In local news, Mayor Brian Sarandon turned 54 on Friday.

PATRICK: And 9/11 turned 14. But Sarandon may be experiencing a political 9/11 at this point in his administration.

FIONA: So distasteful. Who wrote that copy?

PATRICK: Sarandon came under intense controversy in June when he offered to urinate on a group of children to alleviate the pain of the jellyfish stings they had incurred when a tank broke at the
Hansbay Aquarium.

FIONA: Three months later, the Hansbay city council have become sick of his constant lobbying for the 2028 Olympics, and have demanded his resignation before they consider any budget for the 2016
fiscal year.

(Cut to Mayor Sarandon watching this on TV in his mansion. He looks depressed, his eyes are bloodshot, and he is holding a drink in his hand)

PATRICK: (On TV) In addition to that, Sarandon’s girlfriend Valerie Sessions left his administration and reportedly broke up with him.

(Mayor Sarandon turns his TV off)

MAYOR SARANDON: That bitch. (Mayor Sarandon stands up and but almost falls over before catching himself on the coffee table) Fuck. (He lies down on the ground) I own this city…I shouldn’t
have to give it up for nobody. (A Roomba scoots by him) Not even you, Roomba. Are you trying to poison me, Roomba!? ARE YOU JUDGING ME, ROOMBA?! (The Roomba turns around, pauses, and then turns
around again and continues on its way) That’s right, bitch. (The doorbell rings, and Mayor Sarandon shoots up into a standing position) Oh, someone’s at the door!

(Mayor Sarandon walks over to the door and opens it to see Evan standing there in a suit)

EVAN: Sir, I will ensure your legacy is protected. I will continue almost all of your policies. I just need this job, and you’ve lost all your clout. What good is this job without the clout?

(Mayor Sarandon starts crying)

MAYOR SARANDON: FINE! JUST FUCK MY SHIT UP, FAM!

EVAN: Where’d you learn that term?

MAYOR SARANDON: Oh, GOOOOOOOD!

EVAN: Brian, I know it’s been hard since Valerie left you, but you’ll find someone new. I know it.

MAYOR SARANDON: …Is Ellen still available?

EVAN: Brian, really? My ex-wife is the first person you thought of?

MAYOR SARANDON: Hey, you’re taking something of mine, I might as well take something of…yours?

EVAN: Ellen’s not mine. That’s what a divorce is.

MAYOR SARANDON: You relinquish ownership of your wife?

EVAN: That is-wow, that is not what I meant. Please just write a resignation letter and plan a graceful exit. Can you do that?

MAYOR SARANDON: …I can do that.

EVAN: Good.

(Evan gets up, extends his hand, and Brian shakes it. Evan nods his head and leaves. Mayor Sarandon puts his head in his hands. Cut to Mayor Sarandon putting a piece of paper on his coffee table
and, with his hand shaking, pressing a pen onto it. Cut to Jacob watching the Late Show with Stephen Colbert with Renee at their apartment. Stephen is interviewing Vice President Biden)

STEPHEN: And for myself, and I think, I suspect, for millions of people out there, I’d like to offer my condolences for the loss of your son Beau.

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Thank you.

STEPHEN: I know he was a great man. And, um, I was hoping you could tell us a story about him. The President, in his eulogy, called your son, Joe 2.0. In what way is that a compliment to you?

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: You know, my dad had an expression, he used to say, you know your success is apparent when you turn and look at your child and realize they turned out better than you. I was a
hell of a success, my son was better than me. (Close up on Jacob’s emotionally moved face) And he was better than me, in, uh, in almost every way.

(Cut to Ethan and Jacob in a walk-in closet)

ETHAN: Jacob, I need to tell you something.

JACOB: What?

ETHAN: You’re gonna wanna sit down for this.

JACOB: Okay?

(Jacob sits down on the floor, as does Ethan)

ETHAN: Jacob, I have liver cancer.

(Jacob furrows his brow)

JACOB: What?!

ETHAN: It must’ve been from all the drinking I did in Russia. It was either this or getting arthritis from bowling all the time over there.

JACOB: Wait, so what does that mean?! Are you gonna get treatment?

ETHAN: It’s terminal, Jacob. I’ll be dead within six months. Just in time to see the beginning of March Madness.

JACOB: Jesus.

ETHAN: I just want you to know that…you aren’t better than me.

(Cut to Jacob, Ryan, Madeline and Kimberly at an outdoor funeral at night, standing before an open casket with Ethan in it. Madeline, Kimberly and Ryan are wearing black funeral dresses with veils
while Jacob wears a black suit)

MADELINE: DAAAAAAAAD!!!!

(Madeline is crying profusely)

KIMBERLY: Don’t worry, he’ll be in a less dirty place now. The ground.

RYAN: I identify as a widow.

(Jacob starts crying. Cut to him waking up in his bed in a cold sweat)

JACOB: AHHHH!!!

(Renee wakes up right next to him)

RENEE: JACOB?!! ARE YOU OKAY!?

JACOB: Oh, God-

RENEE: I’ll get the holy water-

(Jacob stops Renee)

JACOB: No, I’m fine! Jesus, I just… (Jacob lies his head down on the pillow, and Renee lies beside him) I just had a bad dream.

RENEE: What about?

(Jacob gulps)

JACOB: I don’t want to talk about it.

RENEE: …Okay. Just try to get some sleep. Remember, we have dinner theatre with your dad and his girlfriend tomorrow.

JACOB: Oh yeah…hand me my e-cig.

(Renee takes Jacob’s e-cig off the bedside table and hands it to him. He vapes off of it)

RENEE: That’s a good boy, just suck on that nipple.

(Kyle is heard crying in the distance)

JACOB: You shouldn’t say that so loud.

RENEE: I’ll be right back.

(Renee gets up and walks away. Jacob looks shaken. Cut to Jacob, Renee, Ethan and Vitenka sitting at a table in a dinner theatre restaurant)

ETHAN: So what made you guys think dinner theatre was a good idea? Let me rephrase that. What made you guys want to do dinner theatre?

VITENKA: That does sound less rude.

RENEE: Jacob and I drove by it the other day, and he said he wanted to spend more time with you guys, so I said why not go here?

VITENKA: How sweet.

JACOB: You know, I figured, you’re not gonna be around forever.

(Ethan chuckles)

ETHAN: Jesus, Jacob, I’m only 49.

VITENKA: Plus, he might have started dating just so he could one day absorb my youth and leave me for dead.

(Jacob and Renee laugh)

JACOB: I know, I’m just saying-

(An actor dressed as a 19th century undertaker comes over with a tape measure and starts measuring Ethan)

UNDERTAKER: Oh, what do we have here?! Yes, this one seems ripe for the picking-or, BURYING I should say! (Ethan, Vitenka and Renee laugh. Jacob laughs nervously) You know, everyone dies
eventually, Madame.

VITENKA: Yes, eventually.

UNDERTAKER: And if my measurements are accurate, which they always are, your father here could qualify for the discount pine box. And it’s buy one, get one free if you want to pre-order yours.

VITENKA: He’s not my father, he’s my boyfriend.

JACOB: The difference in accent didn’t tip you off?

UNDERTAKER: Imagine that.

(Cut to Ryan and Mallory talking to some fratty guy with a backwards baseball cap and beard at the apartment party. He is holding a Natty Light, and “25 Bucks” by Danny Brown is bumping in the
background)

FRATTY GUY: So what are you guys’ majors?

RYAN: I’m a music major. And Mallory here is a radio, TV and film major.

MALLORY: Mostly film.

FRATTY GUY: Cool, cool. So you want to be an actress?

MALLORY: Uhh, no, not really, that’s more of a performing arts degree. I want to make films.

FRATTY GUY: Like, Vines? About how hard it is to get ready in the morning?

(Mallory sighs)

RYAN: I’m gonna get one of those beers. Come with me, Mallory.

MALLORY: Nice meeting you.

FRATTY GUY: You guys too.

(Ryan and Mallory walk away. Cut to them in the kitchen. Ryan goes over to a Natty Light case. He sees two guys standing in the kitchen)

RYAN: I’m assuming these are up for grabs?

GUY: Nah, you can’t have any.

RYAN: Oh. Okay.

GUY: They’re all for me. Gonna drink ‘em all tonight.

(Ryan laughs nervously)

RYAN: So wait, you’re joking, right? We can have some?

GUY: No jokes here, fam.

(Ryan and Mallory look at each other, shrug and walk away)

GUY: Dude! (The guy grabs two Natty Lights and hands them to Ryan and Mallory, as they turn to him) Don’t be such an autist, you can have some.

RYAN: Thanks, sorry, I couldn’t tell if you were joking or not.

GUY: I have a deadpan style. Some call me the Stephen Colbert of my generation. (Ryan shakes his head) I’m Vincent, by the way.

RYAN: Ryan. And this is Mallory.

MALLORY: Hi.

VINCENT: Where you from, Ryan?

RYAN: Vermont. The Burlington area.

VINCENT: Come play Flip Cup with us.

RYAN: I’m good.

VINCENT: Come on.

RYAN: Okay, fine. I’ll be back, Mallory.

(Vincent puts his hand on Ryan’s shoulder and leads him away)

MALLORY: His will power is on point.

(Some Filipino looking guy comes over)

FILIPINO: Hey.

MALLORY: Hi.

FILIPINO: My name’s Christopher.

MALLORY: I’m Mallory. Cool to meet you.

CHRISTOPHER: Do you want to make out some time?

(Mallory nervously laughs)

MALLORY: (Sarcastically) Totally, just name a day and time and I’ll be at your doorstep.

(Mallory laughs)

CHRISTOPHER: I’m being serious, girl.

MALLORY: …You a joke. You jokin’.

(Christopher furrows his brow. Cut to Ryan, Bones, Bernie and Vincent and a few other frat guys standing around a table with cups full of beer on each side. Ryan, Bones and Vincent are on one team,
and Bernie and the other guys are on the other team)

RYAN: This is the most quintessentially college thing I’ve ever done.

VINCENT: So you know the rules, right?

RYAN: Yeah. I’ve seen plenty of movies and TV shows.

VINCENT: So like, Blue Mountain State?

RYAN: No. Never ever Blue Mountain State.

VINCENT: Dude, that’s like my favorite show. You know it takes place in Vermont, right? Aren’t you from there?

RYAN: A sitcom taking place in Vermont could never work, it’s too boring there. (Ryan clears his throat) Are we gonna start?

VINCENT: Ready, set, go!

(The guy to the left of Ryan picks up his solo cup full of beer and chugs it while his counterpart on the other side does the same. The guy on Ryan’s side finishes first, and then puts the cup on
the side of the table and uses his hand to flip it over, but is unsuccessful initially, as the guy on the other side finishes his drink and flips it over immediately)

(The guy flips the cup over, and Ryan chugs his beer and puts it down on the table, then tries to flip it over, but fails a couple times)

RYAN: Goddamnit.

GUY RIGHT NEXT TO RYAN: Yeah, not so easy, huh?

RYAN: I have motor skills issues!!

(Ryan finally flips the cup, and it goes to Bones, who chugs, then tries to flip it, but meanwhile, the other finishes)

GUY ON THE OTHER SIDE 2: WOOOOO!!!

(Bones gives up)

BONES: Damn. We would’ve won if it weren’t for your motor skills issues!

RYAN: I’m sorry I left LSD in my pocket while I was going down a water slide, you know?

BONES: You should be!!

(Bernie leaves. Cut to Ryan, Bones, Mallory and Mallory’s friend in the kitchen of the apartment. They are all holding beers)

RYAN: Having fun, Mallory?

MALLORY: I guess. Some creepy guy was hitting on me earlier.

MALLORY’S FRIEND: Just add him to the list, I guess.

MALLORY: No shit, Callie.

RYAN: Oh yeah, tell me what Chris Hayes has been doing.

MALLORY: It’s like, he’s nice enough, but he’s always telling all these jokes about sex and stuff, and I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t think they’re funny, because I’ve tried laughing at
them and it doesn’t work.

RYAN: Yeah, that tends to only reinforce it.

MALLORY: But what am I gonna do? Not laugh?

RYAN: I never laughed at anything Chris Hayes said.

MALLORY: I feel bad for him, because he doesn’t have many friends. But sometimes I feel like he doesn’t deserve them. Because he just tries so hard to be cool.

RYAN: Yep, that’s Chris Hayes for you.

(Bernie ad his girlfriend walks over)

BERNIE: Apparently, we’ve been asked to leave.

RYAN: What, why?

BONES: Is it because I didn’t attempt to solve that guy’s riddle to get my Natty Light? I thought he was playin’!

BERNIE: No, they’re just bringing girls up and they want to make room for them.

MALLORY: We’re girls, though!

BERNIE: Yeah, I mentioned that, but they called you two “jokes”? I didn’t know what it meant.

MALLORY: Ugh. Let’s leave.

(They all put their beers down and head towards the door. Cut to Mayor Sarandon signing his name on his resignation letter in his living room. He stands up, folds the letter, and opens a drawer to
take out an envelope that says “From The Office Of Mayor, Hansbay, Vermont”. He stuffs the letter in that envelope. He then licks the envelope and seals it. He puts a custom “Hansbay 2028 Olympics”
stamp on the envelope. Cut to him in his room putting on a suit. He buttons his cuffs, he ties his tie, he puts on his dress shoes and his jacket. He buttons it up completely. He walks into the
next room and picks up his envelope with the letter in it. He takes out his wallet and removes a picture of his late wife, Gloria Sarandon. He kisses it, and sets it on his coffee table. He takes a
coffee cup and puts it in front of the picture. Brian then puts the letter in his jacket pocket, and walks to the doorway of his home office to see a noose hanging from a pull up bar in the
doorway. There’s also a chair underneath it. Mayor Sarandon sighs)

MAYOR SARANDON: At least I’ll finally get some use out of that pull-up bar. (Mayor Sarandon steps onto the chair, puts his head through the noose. Takes a deep breath) I’m coming, Gloria.

(Mayor Sarandon pushes the chair away, and hangs himself. Cut to Evan in his office, on the phone, laughing)

EVAN: Yeah, I saw it! Donald Trump straight up called Rand Paul ugly and short! It’s like, Rand criticizes his Junior High-level behavior, and then Donald’s all like “I’ve never commented on your
appearance” but then immediately comments on his appearance! You know, sometimes I think Donald might’ve actually been Rand’s high school bully. Because he randomly called Rand out for being on the
debate stage despite having only 3% support. Imagine how much it would hurt to be run for President only for your High School bully to rocket twenty-five points ahead of you?

(Conan comes in)

CONAN: Evan.

EVAN: I have to go. (Evan hangs up) What’s up?

CONAN: Where the hell is Sarandon? It’s noon, and he was supposed to come in and resign three hours ago!

EVAN: God, he’s probably drunk. I’ll go get him. (Evan grabs his keys and stands up and walks over to Conan) Tell the reporters that the announcement is so important that he wanted to take a few
hours extra to perfect his speech. (Pause) Or, just tell them that he was drunk, it doesn’t really matter anymore. (Evan leaves. Cut to Evan walking up to Mayor Sarandon’s house’s door. He rings
the doorbell) Oh, who am I kidding, he’s probably asleep. (Evan goes over and pulls a false brick out of the house to reveal a compartment that is hiding a key. He takes out the key and a steak
knife that has a piece of paper wrapped around it that says “just in case a robber”) Wow. (Evan puts the steak knife back, takes the key, puts the brick back in place and unlocks the front door,
and closes it behind him as he walks into the Foyer) Brian? (Evan walks into his bedroom, to see he’s not in there) Brian, did you fall off the bed again? You know we talked about getting those
side rails. (Evan looks on both sides of the bed, but he isn’t there) Oh. I guess not. Maybe he fell out of the bath tub again? (He checks the bathroom, but no one’s in there) Huh. (Evan comes out
of the bedroom and goes into the living room) Brian, are you here? (He walks into the kitchen) BRIAN! Are you here!? (His yelling just echoes, as he walks into the hallway) Where the hell- (He
turns toward Brian’s lifeless body hanging in the doorway of his home office. Evan screams bloody murder as he lunges away from it, and falls backwards on his back. He sits up on the ground as he
screams and cries) WHAT!?!?? NOOOOOOO!! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! NO, BRIAN, NO! (Evan sobs uncontrollably) WHY?! WHYYYYYY??!?!

(Evan sobs more. Cut to a devastated, distraught Evan wandering into the kitchen. He sheds some more tears before he takes out his phone and calls the police)

POLICE DISPATCHER: (On the phone) 911 emergency?

EVAN: …I’d like to report a suicide…

POLICE DISPATCHER: What is your location?

EVAN: 1181 North Briar, Hansbay, Vermont.

POLICE DISPATCHER: Okay, who is the person in question? (Pause) Sir?

EVAN: Sorry. It’s Brian Sarandon.

POLICE DISPATCHER: Excuse me?

(Cut to Evan and Chief Warren standing by as people from the coroner’s office wheel Mayor Sarandon’s body out on a stretcher, covered by a white sheet)

CHIEF WARREN: What a terrible thing.

EVAN: …Why would he do that to me?

CHIEF WARREN: What do you mean?

(Evan shakes his head)

EVAN: I have to be the Mayor now. He was going to resign, but… (Evan cries) he’d rather die!

(Chief Warren puts his hand on Evan’s shoulder as Mayor Sarandon is loaded into an ambulance)

CHIEF WARREN: I don’t think that ambulance will do him much good.

(Cut to Fiona Cadbury and Patrick White reporting the news)

PATRICK: I swear, when Donald Trump called Rand Paul ugly and short last night, I just about lost it.

FIONA: We’re on the air, you know.

PATRICK: Yeah, I’m just trying to make the news more conversational.

FIONA: Yeah, well, I don’t want to talk to you.

PATRICK: By the way, was Mike Huckabee calling Ben Carson Mr. T?

FIONA: No. No! He was calling Trump Mr. T.

PATRICK: Okay, good. Otherwise that would’ve been problematic. Another thing, why did Trump park his plane behind the debate stage?

FIONA: That was Reagan’s Air Force One, Patrick.

SOMEONE OFFSCREEN: SOMEONE TOLD ME- (Fiona and Patrick look to the left) THAT BRIAN SARANDON IS DEAD?! HAVE WE CONFIRMED THAT?

REPORTER: I just received word from the Hansbay Police Department that Mayor Brian Sarandon was found dead in his mansion this morning.

(Fiona and Patrick gasp)

FIONA: Oh my God.

REPORTER: This is the only source we have right now, but it’s a rather credible one.

PATRICK: Did they mention the cause of death?

REPORTER: They said they would disclose that at a press conference set for 3pm today.

(Cut to the coroner of Hansbay speaking at a podium in front of city hall while Evan and Conan stand behind him. There is a ton of press in front of him)

CORONER: Hello, I’m Doctor Peter Meredith, Hansbay City Coroner. It is my unfortunate duty to report that Mayor Brian Sarandon was found dead at his mansion in Hansbay from an apparent suicide. He
was 54 years old. No foul play is suspected at this time. Any and all questions regarding Sarandon’s death can be directed towards my office. Thank you.

(The coroner moves out of the way, and Evan takes his place before the podium)

EVAN: Thank you, Doctor Meredith. A short time ago, I took the oath of office to become the acting Mayor of Hansbay. It is under extremely difficult circumstances that I take this oath. Brian
Sarandon was just not just my boss, he was my…friendly boss. And it hurts to lose him. I do not know what specifically compelled him to take his own life, but, I know that he was devastated by the
break-up with his partner Ms. Sessions and the increasing controversy surrounding his job as Mayor. I speculate that this is what lead him to make this fateful decision.

(Cut to Ethan walking into Norman’s office with some documentation. Norman looks shocked as he reads from his computer)

ETHAN: Hey, I think I found a way to stiff the competition-

NORMAN: Shh, Ethan!

ETHAN: What?

NORMAN: …I just read something on Facebook, uh… (Norman looks at Ethan) Brian Sarandon hanged himself in his mansion last night.

(Ethan’s countenance becomes grave)

ETHAN: What?

NORMAN: …Yeah…Brian killed himself.

(Ethan sits down and throws the papers on Norman’s desk)

ETHAN: …Oh my Lord…what happened?

(Cut to Evan in the Mayor’s office. He has a plaque reading “Mayor Evan Alexander”, and is typing on his computer. Maria comes in)

MARIA: Mr. Mayor, Ethan Donahue is here to see you.

MAYOR ALEXANDER: Oh. Of course, send him in.

(Ethan comes in and Maria leaves, shutting the door behind her. Evan stands up and walks over to stand in front of his desk)

ETHAN: So, what happened?

EVAN: I don’t know. I…I’m as shocked as you are.

ETHAN: Was it the break up? Was it the threat to his leadership?

EVAN: Both, I’m guessing. I mean, I didn’t think he had any sense of shame, but…I guess it just became too much for him.

(Ethan puts his head in his hands)

ETHAN: Well, congratulations.

EVAN: Ethan, don’t. I didn’t want it like this. It’s almost like Brian was punishing me.

(Ethan takes his head out of his hands)

ETHAN: You pushed him out!

EVAN: You did the same thing!

(Ethan nods)

ETHAN: Goddamnit, I did.

EVAN: …He left a note.

ETHAN: What’d it say?

EVAN: They told me it was a resignation letter.

(Ethan sits down)

ETHAN: …I’m sorry he did that, Evan.

EVAN: No, I’m sorry. You were closer to him than I was.

ETHAN: …We had a friendship of convenience, at best.

EVAN: You know what, Ethan…I think that’s all Brian had.

(Ethan looks up at Evan. Cut to Renee tending to Kyle in his crib)

RENEE: Kyle, you’re four months old, it’s time to start praying before meals.

(Jacob comes in)

JACOB: Hey, Renee.

(Renee looks over to see Jacob)

RENEE: Jacob, don’t you think Kyle should be baptized?

JACOB: Uh, I don’t know-

RENEE: I mean, he should be baptized before the Pope visits next week.

JACOB: You’re a Methodist.

RENEE: Doesn’t mean I don’t care what a guest in my house thinks about the cleanliness of my baby’s soul!

JACOB: The Pope is not visiting our house, Renee.

RENEE: I thought he was a man of the people, why won’t he visit with the commoners?

JACOB: Renee, just listen to me. We need to talk.

RENEE: Okay. Let’s talk.

(Jacob and Renee sit on their bed)

JACOB: Renee, I’ve been thinking about things, and with the return of my dad from Russia, and Mayor Sarandon’s suicide, I’ve been wondering about us. I don’t want what happened to my mom and dad to
happen to us.

RENEE: Then don’t steal a million dollars and flee to Russia.

JACOB: I’ll try not to, but I mostly mean…I want you to do what you want with your life. I don’t want you to resent me for holding you back while I become successful. Because that’s what happened
with my mom and dad.

RENEE: Successful? You’re the Assistant Hotel Manager at a Sullivan Inn. I don’t think Ashton Kutcher will be portraying you in a biopic anytime soon.

JACOB: Well, that’s good. But you know what I mean, I just want you to follow your dreams. If you want to be a house wife, do it. If you want to be a stewardess, do it. If you want to be a milk
maid, even better.

RENEE: Well-

JACOB: If you want to be a sexy firefighter, I see no issue with that.

RENEE: Can I talk?

JACOB: Hold on, honey. If you want to-

RENEE: I do want to get a job. I do.

(Jacob nods)

JACOB: Great. Doing what?

RENEE: I want to teach Sunday school.

JACOB: Did I list Sunday school teacher?

RENEE: I thought the general point was that I could do whatever I wanted, plus, I don’t need your permission.

JACOB: That’s true. Okay. Cool, you should do that. This way, we can prevent a divorce.

RENEE: Prevent a divorce? We’re not even married.

JACOB: Oh yeah, we’re not. (Jacob gets down on one knee and takes out a wedding ring and Renee gasps and covers her mouth) Renee Shandra Hendricks, will you marry me?

RENEE: YES! YES, OF COURSE, JACOB!!

(Jacob smiles and starts making out her. Kyle cries in the background. Cut to Ryan and Mallory entering an elevator at Whiteface Hall. There are three Asians in tank tops in there. Ryan and Mallory
try to keep straight faces. Ryan presses the button for floor 1, and one of the Asian guys presses the button for floor 3. They go down to three, and the Asian kids get off. The door closes)

RYAN: I thought I had walked into a Yakuza shakedown there.

(Mallory and Ryan laugh)

MALLORY: I had my hand steady on my nun chucks.

(Ryan and Mallory laugh as they get to the first floor and get off the elevator. They go to the front door of Whiteface to see a pizza delivery man standing there with some pizzas)

PIZZA MAN: Two large pepperoni and pineapple pizzas?

RYAN: Yep.

MALLORY: Wow, thanks for getting vegan-friendly options.

RYAN: Just pick the pepperoni off.

MALLORY: And what about the cheese?

RYAN: Just eat the crust.

MALLORY: So you’ll save your crusts?

RYAN: I will save my crusts. (Mallory smiles, and then Ryan signs for the pizza, and then they walk into the Whiteface Lobby) Hey, can I ask you something?

MALLORY: What’s up?

RYAN: Can I take you out some time?

MALLORY: Uhhh, sure.

(Ryan is caught off guard by the lack of enthusiasm)

RYAN: Oh. Cool.

MALLORY: I’m gonna go up and tell Chris Hayes about the pizza. He wants some. I’ll meet you at Triston’s dorm.

RYAN: Right.

(Ryan and Mallory go into the elevator. Mallory presses the button for floor 9. It is a bit awkward, as the elevator goes up towards the ninth floor. Eventually, they hear people singing )

(Cut to Ryan opening the door to let Mallory and Chris Hayes into Triston’s dorm. Triston and Bones are also in there)

RYAN: Well, well, well.

CHRIS HAYES: Ryan, my homie!

(Chris Hayes awkwardly hugs Ryan)

RYAN: Hi, Chris Hayes.

(Chris Hayes detaches from Ryan)

CHRIS HAYES: You look well.

RYAN: I didn’t know you went to SUNY Plattsburgh.

CHRIS HAYES: Bro, I went here for the parties.

(Chris Hayes sits down, and so does Mallory. Ryan sits down as well)

TRISTON: So are you undeclared?

CHRIS HAYES: I’m taking advanced bong theory, let’s put it that way.

TRISTON: What are the pre-reqs for that?

CHRIS HAYES: Introduction to loose reefers.

TRISTON: Hmm.

BONES: Well, you came just in time because I was just telling the story about how I walked in on Ryan’s roommate in a pretty fucked up situation.

MALLORY: Really? What situation was that?

BONES: So Bernard was in his room, wearing a bikini and a Rapunzel wig while flipping pancakes on a George Foreman grill. (They laugh) So my unfortunate ass comes in, and I’m just shocked, and then
Bernard turns to me, smiles and says “get that mustard ready”.

(They all laugh)

RYAN: Please tell me that actually happened.

BONES: Hand to God.

TRISTON: It serves him right for walking in on us in the bathroom all those times.

MALLORY: For sure. The other day Callie walked in on me and Phil, uh, well, never mind.

CHRIS HAYES: Wait, what?

MALLORY: Nothing.

CHRIS HAYES: Oh. Did you, do something with Phil?

MALLORY: Yeah, I guess. The other night.

CHRIS HAYES: Oh. That’s a shame.

BONES: Wha…?

CHRIS HAYES: You shouldn’t do stuff like that.

MALLORY: I don’t know, it is embarrassing.

TRISTON: Wait, are we talking about Mallory and Phil having sex?

CHRIS HAYES: Yeah. They had a one night shame.

TRISTON: Dude, that’s like old news. That’s like “Dewey Bangs Truman” old news.

CHRIS HAYES: It’s still too bad.

RYAN: No, Mallory, it’s not a big deal. I mean, things happen. Don’t worry about it, you did nothing wrong.

BONES: Yeah, don’t sweat it.

CHRIS HAYES: Yeah, just remember to have me around next time some guy tempts you. I can restrain you, or whatever. If you’re free to hang out.

(Ryan sighs. Mallory stands up)

MALLORY: I’m tired, I’m heading to bed.

RYAN: I’ll walk you there. (Mallory nods and they leave. Cut to Ryan and Mallory walking down the hallway) …So that was some bullshit.

MALLORY: Right!? Ugh, he’s such an asshole.

RYAN: Yeah, shaming you like that was completely uncalled for.

MALLORY: He wants to have this, like, protectorate status over me, as like my friend and moral police and it’s annoying. Yet at the same time, he wants my V, and I’m not attracted to him at all.

RYAN: I don’t want to tell you what to do, but if I were you, I wouldn’t hang around with him anymore.

MALLORY: Yeah, you’re right. Listen, I want to explain why I was so unenthusiastic when you asked me out.

RYAN: That’d be nice.

(Mallory laughs)

MALLORY: It’s just that I’m not used to receiving that kind of attention from guys. Functional guys, anyway. Normal guys.

(Ryan squints)

RYAN: That is the first time anyone has called me a functional, normal guy.

MALLORY: You don’t know the kind of dysfunctional abnormal monsters that normally go after me.

RYAN: True.

MALLORY: I just don’t know if I’m looking for a relationship right now. But I want to get to know you better.

RYAN: Me too.

MALLORY: So let’s have dinner sometime soon.

RYAN: That sounds awesome.

MALLORY: Cool. (They arrive at Mallory’s dorm) Good night.

RYAN: Night.

(Ryan and Mallory hug, and then Mallory goes into her dorm. Ryan smiles and starts to walk down the hallway, as “I Want Wind To Blow” by The Microphones begins playing. Cut to Valerie bawling in
her bathroom. Her make-up is smeared as her mother stands by and watches her grieve. Cut to Sydney Sarandon and a mortician in a morgue. Sydney is identifying her son’s body, which is out of its
shelving. She is absolutely distraught. Cut to Hansbay Town Center. There is a candlelight vigil being held among Sarandon supporters. Cut to Jacob and Renee walking down the street, near Sullivan
Hotel. Renee is pushing the carriage with Kyle in it. They stop in front of the Sullivan Hotel, and Jacob passionately kisses Renee. Then Renee points to construction workers putting in a sign that
reads “Brian Sarandon Square”. Jacob gulps and then nods as he walks up to the doors of the Sullivan Hotel. Cut to Ryan sitting in his dorm reading the news on his computer. He shakes his head, and
then opens up a drawer, reaches to the back and pulls out the suicide note he wrote on January 1, 2014. Cut to Ethan sitting on the bed in his apartment, looking depressed and drinking a Scotch.
Vitenka crawls over to him in bed and starts kissing on his neck, but he shakes his head, and then shakes his drink, and then she nods and lies down. Cut to Mallory in her dorm room, on her
computer. Someone knocks on the door, and she goes to answer it. It’s Chris Hayes with a salad. She lets him in and Chris Hayes closes the door. As the song ends, we cut to a still shot of Mayor
Sarandon in a casket. Cut to black)