Thursday, December 22, 2011

What a ride this month has been.
I visited an Optemetrist recently. I had planned on getting myself a new pair of glasses for a Christmas gift, since I broke my last pair back in June, & have been wearing an old pair since.
I chose a convenient Dr who had a registration page that you could fill out & email online, then made my appointment. Their office was bright & treny, with a friendly helpful staff. I went through a course of tests before I went in to actually see the Dr. 3 different types of eyes scans & those air puffer thingies. Anyhow, they took some digital pictures of my eyes, and when the Dr came in to adjust my prescription, he examined me further. First he dialated my eyes, then did a further exam requiring bright lights & scopes peering eerily innto my pupils while I resisted the urge to blink.
He decided to send me to a specialist because he saw some shadows on my retinal pictures, and upon further investigation appeared to be what he feared were "tears" in my retinas.
He specifically said that it was urgent that they be repaired as soon as possible, and if it wasn't remedied, could result in a "detatched retina". Ok, after hearing those two words and grasping their meaning, I basically floated out of there in a wave of shock & made my way home.
They stated that I could expect a call in 2-3 days from the specialist to arrange an appointment. After a bit of a kafuffle I got in to see them yesterday.
I must say I dislike having my pupils dialated. It results in wicked migraine headaches in which nearly everything hurts. It hurts to open my eyes, sounds are amplified & echo, my muscles are tensed up and difficult to relax. It is a very unpleasant feeling.
After an exam from the specialist, the Dr stated that I had a "significant" amount of retinal thinning & tears/holes in both of my eyes. He also stated that it's possible that even with lasering to remedy the ones he can identify, it won't guaruntee that another tear or thinning spot won't just appear and detach my retina, rendering me blind. In short, he explained that this was an eventuality, rather than taking a "preventative measure".
It puts into perspective the gift that sight is. I'm grateful to see, and grateful for those things that I have witnessed. I'm grateful I can see my children, and enjoy the expressions on their faces.
I'm not afraid of blindness, and am completely certain that it would not slow me down in least. Having never had experience with the world of the blind, I'm unsure what sort of services or training that sort of thing would require. Learning a new way to read and write & such would be interesting...but I'm most grateful for the fact that it would allow me to get a dog! My very own dog, who would be faithful to just me!
So, I'll be going in to see the Specialist in two separate appointments to have each eye lasered, and was told to expect pain, for which I should take Tylenol before I attend. Afterwards, any sort of head injury that I could sustain, has the possibility of rendering me blind. I understand that it's an eventuality, and I'm ok with it. I'm worried about the when. I'm sure I'll come to grips with that eventually as well.
Right now, I find I'm afraid to close my eyes to sleep, for fear of waking up blind. While I know this is irrational, I also know I just need to work my way through it.
So, I'm enjoying my holidays with the boys, and living my life day to day. For the time being that will be enough, because I know that my proccess is slower than most.
Right now, I'm enjoying the gift of sight.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Christmas Vacation is officially here for the boys.
We've been on a gamer kick for the last three days. Zelda & pretty much anything else that catches our fancy. The boys have also been building tunnels in their rooms for the hampster to go through out of Video Cassettes. All in all it's been quite enjoyable so far. Mellow, laid-back, & relaxing. No hectic schedules, no bouncing from place to place, no ill-timed meet-ups. No meltdowns so far, just a little spat here or there...nothing that a bite or two of food can't fix.
I've done my to-do's on my list, eliminating summer clothing from dressers & storing them away, knocking out the mending pile, doing some planned & unplanned baking, & keeping the house in decent shape, despite all 4 of us being cooped up.
I feel good this holiday season. I cannot express that enough. I hope that it shows when I'm spending time with the boys. I hope it shows when I'm cooking their food, doing their dishes, and watching them sleep.
My EI runs out by the end of this month. Am considering applying for regular EI (as opposed to Medical Employment Insurance), or possibly enrolling in school. There's no time like the present, I figure. I also know another semester is starting Mid-January. We shall see. Could be possible I may pick up a part-time job or two to make up for lack of income.
I've got some sewing projects I plan to do in the evenings, after the kids hit the sack. Some PJ's for the kids, a quilt for a friend, and a Domo hat & mittens set for the D-man.
I was hoping for some snow, but each time it snows it warms up the next day & it melts :o(
Lots on my mind. Mainly the difference between Shame & Guilt. Despite everyone's arguments, I cannot rid myself of the shame I feel over events that have taken place. This is the main issue that is
detrimental to my health. Working on it though. It's a bit tiring, as it means I'm going through everything again, over and over again, until I can convince myself otherwise.
I'm not ready for a full time responsible job yet, but I feel I can handle a part-time job that's easy to do.
I'm hoping the New Year will shape up better than this one did. Here's to hope.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Yep. We changed our plans at the last minute this week, and wound up in Clearwater, rather than Kelowna.
A friend had his Birthday this weekend, and I figured if he could make it down to Salmon Arm I could make it to Clearwater for HIS celebration.
Good food, good laughs, good sleep & chilling in a group full of parents & kids (some of whom stayed in pj's all day).
When it came ot party time, most everyone we invited couldn't make it to the party, so we enjoyed some Mr. Bean & fanTAStic food. After the kids were booted to bed, we busted out the jello shots & the Wii-motes. Picture 4 adults trying to keep up with Michael Jackson's moves dancing to Thriller...heehee. It made me giggle so hard I almost wound up with a jello shot coming out my nose. Was loads of fun, and now we're just gearing up to spend the day on the road, meandering back home whilst stopping in for quick visits with those we haven't seen in a while.
It's been a great weekend.
I'm beginning to enjoy doing the things that I actually WANT to do, rather than the things I feel like I HAVE to do. It's a very rewarding experience.
I'm in love with my family. Adorable boys who are brilliant in their own way, and a Mr who is making a genuine effort to be amazing.
While it's true that I miss Clearwater, and the friends we left behind here, I'm not anxious to move back any time soon. It leaves me with a large feeling of non-closure. It feels like I have unfinished business here, and a reputation to rebuild for myself. I'd love to have a go at attempting this, but not right now. I'm still much more fragile than I let on, and I'm ok with that.
I'm working on the difference between Shame & Guilt. I think once I've worked this out, I'll be able to start forgiving. Forgiving myself for getting into situations that I knew were dangerous, forgiving the assholes who took advantage of me, forgiveness for those who were supposed to watch out, but didn't. Forgiveness covers a wide scope of topics, I think. I know once I start it will all crumble, and I'll be a puzzle waiting to be put back together, only the picture will be much much different that it has in the past.
I'm glad, after all is said and done, that I have friends that I can feel safe around, no matter what my actions are. I'm glad I have a family that loves me. I'm glad I'm here.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

So much floating round my mind these days it's hard to keep track of thoughts & dreams. Dreams are quite strange these days too. Which, I guess, means my brain is trying to sort all these thoughts out.
I'm doing my best to avoid store-christmas shopping this year, and am keeping it to online purchases mostly. Not only is there more variety, but I feel it's saving me from impulse purchases that could wrack my bill up past my budgeted amount. I'm not buying for extended family, or even close family. I'm actually only planning on shopping for my household.
We're not travelling for Christmas this year, but keeping to our own home & area. We will, however, be travelling for New Years. After I've settled down on those plans, I feel quite at ease with this holiday season, and much less stressed about it all. I'm not doing a big Christmas dinner, but something small and nice that will be compiled of all of our favorite foods, not just a traditional spread.
This year, I'm making it about us.
I'm working on small breakthroughs with my therapist. Small steps to acknowledge all that I've survived this past year.
Lots to think about, and I'm glad I can manage it whilst we hustle & bustle our way through everyday life.
I just need to remind myself to stop and ask for a hug every now and then.

Saturday, December 03, 2011

It's been a long week. I swear I'm suffering from "Sympathy Recovery", LOL I've noticed that when MIL isn't feeling too perky I'm right there with her, and when she's feeling unstoppable we're both able to accomplish a whole bunch.
Since being here I've gone to see the newest Twilight Movie, which left little hearts circling my head, and gone to the Okanagan Bingo Casino. That last one was interesting, considering they smoke indoors down here. Eeew, is all I can say. It was an hour before my eyes started burning and my throat was so dry I could only croak. When I left I felt totally saturated, and showered when I got home. It wasn't until this morning that I got rid of that taste. It was fun, in any event, but I found it rather small.
I've also been crafting with my time, crocheting, and weaving, and reading my way through Christmas magazines. I've got a few ideas of what I want to do with the kids when I get home.
I sure have missed them and their bouncy enthusiasm. Their Christmas concert, and their School Photos came & went this week. Am hoping I can make something small for the children in H's class for their Christmas party, but we shall see what I can come up with.
Lots of things to contemplate this week. Death & suicide & my mindset 6 months ago. The differences between those on the north and south side of the border, and just how lifestyles can cause such drastic differences.
I've applied for a job with the local school district, and gone through the interview, and was required to speak to some old co-workers for references. That was a wee-bit uncomfortable, considering the questions they asked me, and the pointed tones in their voices referring to my mental health at the time that I left. It truly left me wondering if I shouldn't just apply for those little jobs for the time being, until I feel like it won't be watching over my shoulder and glaringly fresh.
Yes, I had a mental health breakdown. Yes, I was suicidal, and I'm here in front of you asking you to employ me. Yes, I have unresolved issues in my personal life, who doesn't? Yes, I've sought treatment for these issues, and am coping the best I can with the help of my family and friends.
This past 6 months feel like I've lived a lifetime, and I'm assuming it will take ages to work my way through the events of the last 6 months.
Suicide attempts, hospitalizations, separations, searching for help and not receiving it, and my spiral into addictions I had assumed were resolved, and my subsequent re-resolving, the passing of 3 family members, reconciliation, finding the help I needed, and acceptance of the three things I need to survive.
In truth, when you see it listed like that it is a lifetime. When you see it like that, one can see that I'm starting over again, hopefully more aware from y experiences.
When I consider suicide, and it's ramifications, I can't help but think to myself that it's a justified state for some. For those who are un-save-able. While those who've passed on in this manner have saddened me with their passing, I find myself unable to be angry or holding them to blame. I merely find myself saddened by the loss and truly sympathetic to their plight.. I'm wondering if that's weird. Do those left behind in the wake of suicide usually feel that way?
It all leaves a lot left for me to ponder, and that's exactly what I've been doing. Silently, mind you, because I don't know exactly what I idea I want formed until I've sorted it all through.
All in all it's been quite the ride so far, and it's working it's way back to what would resemble normal for me. It all leaves me wondering what normal is too, but that's a question for another day, I think.

I am most selfish about sleep. I am a bit of a restless sleeper, and an over-achiever, so I snag a nap if I'm feeling too run down. I enjoy sleep, a lot. I nap in one hour increments and like to take my time getting up by hitting the snooze button twice and stretching in between.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Coffee is good.
Am staying w/MIL this week, and got a big bed all to myself.
We came down for the USA Thanksgiving, and wound up with just Canadians at the dinner table, which is kinda funny when you think about it. A big amount of food, and a crazy amount of fun, we had dinner while my MIL was in hospital undergoing a procedure to remove her Gall Bladder. Once the festivities ended and all those who joined us went home, I stayed behind to ensure MIL would be comfortable.
I am catching up on sleep, working on small craft projects and occupying my time by reading the news, interestingly enough.
I am making Christmas Garland out of pop can tabs for my tree's at home (of which I have 4. A 7ft, 2x3ft, and a 12in), and am teaching myself to crochet again, and working my way through a couple of magazines I bought for myself. Am contemplating buying some more crafty items just to keep myself afloat and quite busy. Methinks I'm enjoying my favorite chair just a little bit too much, lol.
I am forever amazed at just how ridiculous some people are here, and just how far their ignorance and close-mindedness can take them. I made a minor booboo by forgetting to get a larger refill on my meds, and am now scrambling to find a suitable place to get them refilled, but will unfortunately be required to take a drive back up to cross the border and get them from the nearest border town. Hmm, interesting. Won't be doing that again.
Anyhow, have been busy. I'm beginning to wonder if that's on purpose. Am I avoiding any unresolved issues by keeping myself super busy? It could possibly be. Honestly though, what normal person would want to deal with my issues. It will eventually get dealt with, I'm not that great a procrastinator, I don't think.
So, am sitting back and relaxing, and enjoying the quiet, but am also thinking of my boys and remembering what a good time they had this weekend with friends and family. Games were played, movies & tv shows watched, Hide & Seek won and lost, plus hours of Twister & Hopscotch and secret giggles behind the furniture by all children. They trule do make the holiday, I'm finding.
Gearing up for Christmas now, let's hope it's a good one.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Monday, November 14, 2011

Indigo @ That's My Answer asks:My husband has a man cave, it’s where all his video games are and I liken it to a woman’s sewing or craft room. Does your man have a man cave?

He's putting his together slowly but surely. Expected improvements to come by Christmas are a larger tv with sattelite and some new video games + controllers. He also has a small "workshop" in our storage room in the basement where he works on his chainsaws.

We've gone for about two years now without cable or sattelite in our home, enjoying movies & Netflix immensely. We have a large DVD collection, and also borrow frequently from our local libraries. With it being Hockey season, and me taking more of an interest in it, I'm hoping to gain sattelite access or possibly something from online that will allow me to watch ALL Vancouver Canucks games in the near future.
Hopefully we'll be getting some new group player games & controllers to go with our game systems soon as well. I'm hoping, also, to collect video game systems to add to our already large stash.
On a side note, I think it would be wonderful to add to Mr's tool collection. Is that weird?

Friday, November 11, 2011

Finally, a weekend that I get to spend in my own home!
I've been suffering from strange dreams. Dreams about sex, about people, about friends I've not seen in years, about places I can barely recall the particulars of. It would seem I'm surring from another bout of remembering.
This means that I'm remembering more than I care to.
I've got a feeling of blah. I'm shutting it down because to struggle my way through the feelings related to those memories is just too difficult with all that is going on in our family right now. I often wonder to myself just what consitutes as good timing. LOL When is it best to relive those memories? When it is safest?
I've been finding myself sporradically crying, and randomly freezing because something triggered me and I'm reliving it inside myself, but no one else knows what's going on. This means I've been getting worried glances and plenty of "are you ok?" 's from the Mr. It's difficult to explain when all I want to do is forget. I just don't think I possess the strength right at this particular time, given the battle we're already in.
Unfortunately, this also means that I've been shutting down more frequently. A case of avoidance. Not good when children demand attention from you, and can tell when you're not there. I zone, I tune out, I glaze over, disconnect. My actual self is up in the air, right behind me, watching over my shoulder.
Quite honestly, there's SO much going on, I just don't want to deal with any of it. But, life goes on, and I'm doing the best I can to unload each week, and make sure I rest when I can.
I do believe when this weekend is over, I'll have more phone calls and appointments to make.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

I finally got my hair cut. After having it cut, the length of hair I donated was 14 inches. Holy schmoly! No wonder it kept getting in the way! ;-)

It's a bit strange to have such short hair now. At first i didn't care for how short the lady cut it, but it's rather comfortable now, and I quite enjoy it.
I'm losing track of how many times I've donated my hair now, anyone out there keeping count for me?

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Wow, that was a busy October! Thanksgiving, a surprise Birthday Party, a weekend in Washington, a passing in the family, a Halloween bash in Clearwater. It just doesn't stop!I'll start with my birthday weekend. It was wonderful that I had a small handful of friends and family join us for a weekend surprise party. I felt totally schmo-ish with the outfit I was in, but at least I was showered ;-) Card Games, Food & Movies, my kinda weekend.
The week following we got word that another family member had passed on. With this we took off to Washington. This news was devastating, and enough to throw us into schock for at least another week. Once the shock wore off a bit we were able to proccess our thoughts on the situation, and put our feelings into words. This included the action we will take in the wake, and I'm asking everyone to cross their fingers that this proccess will go quickly, and that the person we feel is responsible will be brought to justice.
We spent this last weekend in Clearwater with friends, and joined in on another birthday party/Halloween party. I slaved for four days on my costume (a modest belly dancer), and in the end won first prize at the party :oD
The kids had a blast in their first ever store-bought Halloween Costumes. They loved them so much it was difficult getting them out of them so I could wash them (after 3 nights sleeping in them I put my foot down) and mend them (tears happen easily in store-bought stuff). Instead of a costume party at school, they had a "Black & Orange" day. It was fun watchign the kids participate in all of the games, and helping out the teachers with each one. It was quieter than I expected at home while handing out candy. I'm thinkin next year I'll go with votive candles for my jar luminaries as well, rather than tea lights as they'll be easier to light.This coming weekend we're headed to Kelowna to enjoy a weekend with family to celebrate our 10th Anniversary. Yikes, not really sure how that happened, but really feels like I blinked & missed it. Good thing I've blogged about it all, or I wouldn't have a clue what we'd done in those 10 years! LOL
For the US Thanksgiving we'll be headed to Washington once again to enjoy a dinner put on by my MIL. We've invited nearly everyone we know (or at least it feels like it) and are expecting a pretty decent turn out.
Mr has been hired by the local School District, and I've applied there myself. So, at least things are getting underway here. Let's hope all this hype is worth something in the end.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

I'm officially 30 years old today.
My mind is blown because I never, not once that I can recall, thought I'd live to see my 30th Birthday and beyond.Seriously. No joke. Never ever thought I'd live past 30, and here I am.
What the hell do I do with myself now?

Psh, oh well, no worries, it'll come to me eventually ;o)
I think my first order of business will be to get my hair chopped & donated. We'll see what happens after that.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

1. It's easy to tune into a good book, considering you can do it anywhere!

2. Just ask for a hug when you need one, my darling.

3. Once upon a time, There was a young Prince who was loved by all of those in his kingdom. (I`ve been known to start a bedtime story to the boys in this manner)

4. The wise young Prince was satified with his journey and his adventure, and decided that it was finally time to share the lessons of his journey with his people ... the end.

5. What is

6. I hope my boys pick out a costume sooner than later.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to visiting a family for a playdate between our kids, tomorrow my plans include gaming all-night with family and Sunday, I want to eat a disgusting amount of pancakes!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The new house we live in is big. Much bigger than the last house we were in.

This October I'm facing my 30th birthday. I'm unsure if this is the reason for my blues this month, or if it's just something I can't quite put my finger on yet. Either way, my blues are just out of the corner of my mind, ready and whispering things in my ear. Could be that the connection to the events of last Halloween are coming back to haunt me, or maybe a combination of both that and my birthday....hmmm. That being said, I'm wondering whether I'm going to do any major decorating at all, since the yard we have is so big, and I have so little stocked away in the decorations bin that I usually keep. I know some stuff has been lost to moving, and am reluctant to even try and rebuild the stock that I had, for fear of moving again.

I hear a voice telling me we have too much stuff, despite the amount of purging I've done since we got here. This combined with the effort involved in this task keeps me from even attempting to rebuild at this moment. I had the bug last month, but lost it when October hit, and I pulled out my bin to take stock. There's plenty of potential for my favorite holiday to thrive in our yard, and I'm facing a daunting task should I wish to decorate as fully as I'd like. I'm wondering if I can motivate myself, or if I'll just leave it. I haven't even gotten the boys' costumes together yet, which is surprising.

Sunday, October 09, 2011

I've never put much thought into the why, but as my Mr frequently pokes fun at us Canadians for having a Thanksgiving holiday, I had to concede that he had a point. So, I looked it up @ Wikipedia, naturally.

It's a quiet weekend here in our home this holiday. With many firsts for other family members, this is one of those holidays where we are left to our own devices. Rather than us travelling to them, we opted to stay at home. It's been a regular pajama weekend. Yes, all major neccessities (like food & teeth brushing) are taken care of by us adults, but otherwise we're all floating around occupying ourselves with whatever happens to catch our fancy.

I made a couple of pairs of PJ's each for the boys. First sewing project I've attempted in ages. I've cleaned & cleaned, and laundered until I could do no more. I've Solitaire-d my brains & eyes out, as well as fallen in love all over again with Buffy on Netflix. We've had mega pet snuggle sessions both with Peachy & Mr. Benjamin, and have even built terrariums for the snails, slugs, & Salamander.

Tonight, I'm getting over a blue-sy feeling that had me wondering why it was there. I couldn't figure it out, so just opted to tell Mr that I was feeling down. We had a family cuddle, & that took care of it.

I'm really surprised, after learning about my 3 basic neccesities (acceptance, listening & affection), how much they actually help to regulate my moods. I truly cannot survive without them, and I'm glad my lil family is coming to understand that.

I cracked a Star Wars joke yesterday at a random moment. I was surprised when my D started giggling at it. I'm glad my 9 year old gets my humor.

I said I was having trouble finding my happy-button, and H brought an apple to share with me. He says "sharing makes you happy" according to his teacher. After we finished it he whispered in my ear that he loves me, and gave me a great big hug. I'm glad there's an endless amount of hugs & giggles when I need them at my disposal.

This Thanksgiving...I am (and want to be) alive. I am restructuring my goals, making my opportunities happen, and am taking any steps I take slowly. I am not rushing ahead, but giving myself time to proccess everything, and answer the questions along the way, rather than after.

I know a lot of the (re-)actions that took place this summer are going to be explained & worried out in due time, but for now, I'm working at remembering. I need to remember what happened before I can accept the memories and move on.

This Thanksgiving I am grateful that there is a roof over my head, a kitchen full of food, and a warm bed to sleep in where I can feel safe.

This Thanksgiving I am grateful that I don't feel overwhelmed and short on time.

This Thanksgiving I'm exstatic that I've found people who will listen to me, not look at me like I'm insane when they hear what I have to say, and who are willing to help me construct a strategy that will enable me to find the healthiest mental me possible. I'm grateful that there is a possibility for me to feel like a normal human being, instead of this different entity that I've always been.

This year has been tough, and like every other year, I'm muddling my way through it. Only this time, I'm doing something to make it better.

Saturday, October 01, 2011

I was surfing the net last month to look for some new Halloween decorating ideas, and came across a project I thought would be great to try. I hit the local thrift shops and got my hands on some Mason Jars, pulled out my collection of tissue paper, my Mod Podge & paint brushes, and black acrylic paint.

I'm happy to report, that in our new house, I have my very own crafting room, complete with table, desk & shelf space for my machines, crafting supplies & fabrics. Heaven...now, if I could only get some better lighting...

Anyhow, once I got started, the kids decided to join in. I painted thin layers of Mod Podge on the outside of the jars, and layed strips of tissue over them and smoothed them out with the paint brush handle.

It went fairly smoothly from there. I should also warn that Mod Podge doesn't smell all that great...at least, mine doesn't. I got the kids rushed through theirs, and set them aside to dry before I shooed them out of the room.

I wound up with 14 jars total, and had only spent about $5 on them, because I had the rest of the supplies on hand.Anyhow, once they all dried, I painted faces on them with the black acrylic paint, instead of gluing paper cut-outs on. It was a relatively simple project and allowed me to watch movies during the painting. I like the way they turned out, and will be putting candles in them to line my walkway come Halloween Eve. SO excited.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Well, we are now living in Salmon Arm. What a month it's been. Busy busy busy, and seriously felt like there weren't enough hours in the day.We're moved & settled, and both boys are in school. I didn't do anything but well up when we took H to Kindergarten for the first time. They've adjusted well enough, in the school of 74 students that we've enrolled them in.I've somehow managed to be the first with a cold this year...or maybe it's a sinus infection.

D's goldfish Goldie died earlier this week, after a run of two years with him. He was replaced with a Teddy Bear Hamster, named Peachie.I've filed for EI, and received all neccesary documentation to not have to work for the next three months. A relief to me, because I still don't feel ready to work.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Time is just flying by. I feel like I was just complaining about August being here already, and now it's September and school's back in!

From the Clearwater to the North Okanagan, to Omak, Washington, I've been all over the place in one month. Feels like just as my feet touch ground in a new place I'm off and running again.

So many trips and zips out, here and there, that I've been living out of a suitcase for a while now.

I helped the boys pick out a place to live in Salmon Arm, discovered the job market and foot-ins up there. I visited with genuine people in Clearwater, and they reminded me how pleasant it is to be around those who ask nothing of you, yet give everything in return. I've spent time with my family, mourning, celebrating, and enjoying what life is offering us this summer. Overall, regardless of how busy it's been, I feel better than I have in months...and terrible at the same time.

When I used there was a terrible incident, and since then, it's been haunting me. Other than the occasional craving and withdwarl symptom, I am fighting off flashbacks of things that I had originally forgotten about. It's like remembering my childhood all over again.

I'm pretty good at self-destruction. A knack, a habit, a hobby, a talent, or whatever you want to call it. Maybe it's a gift, maybe it's a curse. Who knows...All I know, is that through some deep moments of self-reflection since I used, I've discovered a will to live.

For whatever reason, I left that house, that grasp, and walked as far as I could and called someone for help. I managed to leave it behind, and because of this, I'm still here.

I've got to try and believe it was for a reason, but I'm so dumbfounded about the fact that I got up in the first place, that I'm actually not worried about that quite yet.

I still feel lost, but I'm thinking it's time to stop hiding from life, and just get a move on and keep truckin' my way through it, cause regardless of what I do, it's not slowing down at all.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

So many things are changing here. I always wish, when change is imminent, that things would slow down so that I'd have time to proccess it.

I'm definitely one of those people who likes to take their time. I'm a cautious kind of gal. The type who watched, ponders & proccesses, and acts only after making a decision. I have no issue picturing the consequences of my actions, and those of others.

I'm currently doing research with Mr on their new chosen town, researching schools, Dr's, recreation opportunities, employment opportunities, PAC's. Lots of stuff to look at.It's inetersting, because I think this is the first time I've ever put so much effort into a move, and it's actually leaving me feeling very positive.

H goes into the dentist today for a consultation. Tomorrow he will go in, be put under (ugh, I HATE that) and then have four fillings/caps done. D is due for another check-up. Oi, so much to catch up on from the summer.

For now, I'm just enjoying the randomness my children inject into the day, and the laughter I often feel building up inside of myself.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

I'm exhausted. Not only physically, but emotionally and mentally as well.

It didn't take much...just another family member passing away, a family that's up in the air, moving my family, and a situation that required me to remove my family from home for about a week or so. I've been on the road, back home, cleaning & tidying, oraganizing what little we kept out of storage for the family, and spending (what feels like) an immense amount of time with my family.While the majority of the issues that were prioritized as first have now passed us by, we're still looking forward to a 50th Birthday Bash for my mummie, and back-to-school for the kids. During such time we'll be finding the home the boys had wanted and moving them in.

I've been tagging along with family here there and everywhere, and kind of feel like a third wheel, because I keep thinking to myself "I really wish I could just nap in a quiet room".

Our house A/C unit broke during the only warm spell we've had all summer, our house is overflowing with people, have been having plumbing issues due to some strange material being flushed that really has no place there, and are having issues keeping our fridge/pantry stocked because the kids keep rooting whenever they feel peckish.

We've attended a funeral (the kids did great BTW), visited beaches galore, 4x4-ed, hiked, swam, gamed all night, gone to bed early, watched movies til the wee hours of the morn, and ate our way through the Midnight Munchies.

I've seen hide nor hair of any of my friends since before my last post, because I've been consumed.

I got a new tattoo (a Spotted Eagle feather on my neck ---->)and I've upgraded my phone to a Blackberry (with a 3yr contract renewel *rolls eyes*). My old phone was 2 years old, and starting to act funny whenever I asked it to work for me.

I've been enjoying playing with the different features on it, and discovering what I've been missing out on (though I can't see much difference).

My kids are happy and romping round, bouncing from home tohome with the understanding that they're free to roam and play at will.

Stress always feels on the horizon, as I've been conversing a bit with Mr. It's difficult to put my feelings aside sometimes, to reach the issue at hand. It's difficult to hold on to what I've discovered about myself since I've left, and that scares me. I'm at risk of being swallowed whole and being lost without any way to find my way back.

I, quite honestly, have not been alone in a while. Well, that's a lite, I drove north to grab my Gramma for the funeral all by myself...

Friday, August 12, 2011

Made arrangements to come up and help Mr & boys move their way down to the Okanagan region, had to catch Greyhound up, and drive the truck back. Spent today loading up the moving truck, and cleaning the house behind them.

Wednesday a family member passed away somewhat unexpectedly. Am sad and disappointed. Full of thoughts of person and memories that I have.

My therapy session went very well this week, as I was full of positive, assertive thoughts of how my next few years are to be structured. from Parasailing to schooling to a possible move from to the Island for myself. Was interesting to see it all written down in a timeline frame and realize that my random thoughts really aren't so random after all.

I may not be perfect, I make mistakes, and can be silly, but I'm comfortable with who I am. Right now, in this moment, I'm comfortable with who I am. I'm quirky, honest, inquisitive, sensitive and genuine. I'm a listener, I'm generous, and I'm helpful. I like me right now. I'm not making excuses for my personality, or apologizing for saying the wrong thing, or blushing from embaressing myself as I so often feel the need to when I'm in Mr's presence.

I've come to the realization that I've been supressing the genuine aspect of my personality for so long that I've been making myself incredibly unhappy and angry because of it.

I'm not afraid to say what I want to say, I'm not ashamed of my thoughts, I like the way dress and the way I look, and I truly enjoy smiling.

So, tomorrow, we're driving back down, and today is the last day they are in Clearwater. I'm comfortable not going and saying good-bye to those that I believe are Mr's friends.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Ok, I've finished Prison Break, and was disappointed by the end, but oh well.I've moved on to Red Dwarf, and am SO happy that there's something that I love available. I usually only watch it when PBS shows it on one of those money raising things.Smeg...just thinking of Smeg makes me giggle.I've been spending time at the beach, and am getting a crazy tan. I can't remember the last time I actually had a tan.I'm going up to Clearwater on Thursday, to help Mr & family move down to the Okanagan. It`s crazy complicated how it all worked out, but I`m hoping for a smooth transition for them.Ive given up the A&D person, as I said I didn`t care for his level of professionalism.Still attaempting to set up follow up appointments with other agencies...still getting a clsed door.Am thinking I need to apply for a passport soon...Forgot how sunny & hot it gets in Kelowna....

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

I've had my kids here for the last 5 days, and they'll be leaving in the a.m. I've had a fantastic time, and really got to enjoy all they had to offer me.

While I'm still in ups & downs and everywhere in between, I feel so much more balanced than i have in a long while, and am even able to see a small glimmer of hope.

While the events that landed me in the hospital last weekend are still with me, I know that I'll need to eventually sort them out, and am considering laying charges against the person/s responsible for putting me there.

It was a huge wake up call, and while it sucked surviving my way through it, I'm still here. For whatever reason...cause I've yet to figure it out.

I've gotten some sun on me this weekend, and have a slight tan...not that I really need one.

Have had two meetings with my therapist, who seems to really enjoy my company. Though I have to say that I don't care much for my A&D counsellor given the comment he made to me on our first meeting of "I'll bet you can get anything you want with that smile, can't you?" Kind of an assholish thing to say to someone in crisis if you ask me. I'm thinking I may not make a return trip to see him.

I'm glad I'm aware of my needs, and know where to go to ask for help, but am still a little frazzled that it's taken this long to get the help I asked for in the first place. I'll be looking to extend my EI through September, to avoid filing to Income Assistance a bit longer. I don't feel up to keeping a job, and am considering asking the Psychologist to writ eme up a note when I see him for our second appointment.

I'm texting like there's no tomorrow, and have been getting a lot of flack for being so connected to my phone, but int he past month alone it's managed to save my life at least once, if not more by keeping me connected with those that love me most, so I'm content to keep it glued to my hand.

Imagine me at 5am phoning to for an ambulance ride to the hopsital so I can come down & withdraw in a safe place, away from those would be able to give me access to the drug I was craving. My phone is always there for me.

Am contemplating taking some time up in Clearwater, to possibly sort through my belongings and purge what I can. The kids & Mr are moving again at mid month, and I'd like to make it easier on them by getting rid of what I really don't need.

An In-Law family member passed away last week as well. Kinda took a large spark with them, as I felt close kinship to them, and know that I will miss them dearly. I've been a part of that family for 10 years now, and I've come to understand that despite circumstances, I will cherish them all for as long as I live. The hardest part of knowing of this passing, was that a)I knew I would never get a hug from them ever again, and b)was not able to attend the funeral.

I guess I need to file for my passport to avoid this from happening again...and stock away for one such emergency.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

The kids are coming down tomorrow for a 5 day visit. I'm excited, but it also means that I'll have to do some tidying up tonight, instead of just relaxing.

I've gotten out with a friend this week, enjoying the summer for what it has to offer. It feels good to get some sun on my skin, and be in public places. It's also nice to not have to do it by myself.

I've now visited my Dr & gotten tested for everything, caught myself up on all the paperwork, and will be filing to Employment Insurance, before I move onto Income Assistance. I'm unable to work, and will be for a while.

Hopefully I can get everything worked out sometime soon as to what I'm doing with myself.

I know eventually I'll need a plan, but for now I know I won't be returning to Clearwater, that I won't have an income for another month yet, and that I'm feeling comfortable this week.

This could be due to my new friend M. M has come to stay with me in my home. M & her cat Emma. It makes life comfortable, but does not distract me from the ability to seek the help that I know I need. It simply adds more support there.

I'm onto Season 4 of Prison Break. Good Stuff. I love how everyone from the previous Season's all came together to work on the project. I find it quite intense.

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the events of this past weekend. Trying to proccess and gather the pieces of those memories I shattered so they wouldn't hurt me. It's hard, trying to figure out how it got this bad, and attempting to forgive myself for slipping so horribly. 10 years with no drugs in my system, and one night of a cocaine induced frenzy was enough to put me into withdrawls for two days, and craving for the week. Any more, and it's a gauruntee that I'd never see my kids again. Ever.

So, here I am, picking myself back up, and going back to the bat. Let's hope I hit a homer this time.

Monday, July 25, 2011

I fucked it up, I did drugs this weekend. I spent one day in the hospital in withdrawl.

I'm sore as shit. My entire body hurts from the tremors, and from the muscle spasms that were uncontrollable.

I haven't used in over 10 years.

I'm pissed that after a month and a half of trying to access services, all of the sudden every place I had been trying to get servicdes through contacted me regarding my hospital visit.

I'm fucking angry that even though I reached out before I fucked up, that the door was slammed in my face. I'm fucking pissed that I had to fuck up before anyone thought I actually needed help contacted me.

I'm enraged that I had to resort to emergency services for help. I ranted and raved to the Social Worker/Mental Health worker about everything I had tried, and informed her of the closed doors and fucking waiting lists and the stupid "Saftey Agreement" the idiots gave me when I informed them of my desire to commit suicide. At each mention of each agency her mouth dropped open a little wider.

Why the fuck would I WANT to go on living if no one will help me with the issues I have now.

Essentially the message that I got from each place was that my issues were not a priority to them and that I could wait.

The result from their fucked up belief was me using, and winding up in withdrawl.

I was one step away from becoming hooked again. I was one step away from becoming someone's whore for drugs.

The Kelowna Mental Health System failed me.

Let's hope that the Social Worker I saw today will give me the help I need. If he can't, I'm giving you my bonafide guarantee that I'm not going to make it through this summer alive.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I've fallen through the cracks in the Mental Health Care System. Backlisted, waitlisted, and not taken seriously.

I spoke with the Dr yesterday who originally saw me when I came into town. He upped my med dosage to the max. He offered to help me find a good therapist, but they would all be sliding fee. He offered to help me fill out my EI forms. He also made it his priority to ensure I get an income and not go to work right now.

Good Dr.

I'm passing the time chatting up a storm online. Makes for a good laugh every now and then.

I'm drinking like a fish, but havin fun the safe way.

I've not touched any drugs, which is a miracle in itself. Loong time ago I was an addict, and I know now if I touch it once I'll get hooked again.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I've been thinking about my life, about the life I thought I had, and how it was all just a lie. How stupid I was, how I tried so hard to have faith in the good. How often I struggled to believe the power of positivity. How I tried to believe that this was all for a reason.

I don't believe this was for a reason. I believe bad things can happen to good people.

I've done a lot of wrong, I've said a lot of things. I've been my worst, and my time for judgement has come to pass.

I am getting exactly what I deserve.

I am without my children, and probably will be for the rest of my life. I am drinking, I am smoking, and I am wallowing.

I've reached out for help, and have been turned away from every agency I reached out to. Waitlisted, and backscheduled. I've been told that I'm not a priority.

I was hospitalized in June because I wanted to commit suicide. When I explained this to my intake workers, they gave me a slip of paper with steps to take if I felt like self-harm. When I called those numbers they offered, I was told I'd be placed on the list.

So here I am, watching the sunrise, reaching out to emptiness, and fucking it up the only way I know how cause ain't nobody gonna pull me outta this one.

We had the conversatin with the kids. I had to cut my time with them shorter by a day. I simply couldn't

tolerate the stress. I know they were disappointed. I feel like I keep hitting setbacks. I'm wondering when this feeling will end. The feeling that I have that says life would be so much better if I weren't in it. All these waiting lists and "we'll call you back" feel just like a slap in the face. It may be that I need a pick-me-up. It may be that I just need someone to care. It may be that I'm just lonely. It may be a lot of things, but I'm feeling like no one wants to help me out here. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, maybe I'm just surviving the best way I know how.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

I want to enroll for a Human Services Diploma program. 2 years at whatever institution. The problem is the place I'm applying to no longer has it open, bummer. I guess that means I'll hafta do some searching around here in the Okanagan for other institutions that have the program available as well. My first two choices are out the window, which has me a bit bummed out.

I've been waiting for a counsellor to phone me regarding assault. After I did my intake they said to expect a phone call within a week to set up my first appointment. Called and left a message that I had to yet to receive this call, and when they returned it they stated that I've been wait-listed because it was not within the recent past, but months ago. The lady stated that it could take months to 1 year to be eligable for services through their organization and that 1-1 servicves were available on a sliding fee scale. On their upside I've been scheduled to begin a 6 month program with them that starts in September. Joy.

The kids are coming for a visit this weekend. I'm apprehensive because that conversation is going to be had. The conversation where we inform them that we're separating. Fuck. I wish that I could just have a calm time where I can centre myself. I can figure out what I don't want to do, but placing my finger on what I WANT is confusing me quite a bit.

I rather feel that just as I'm starting to get my feet under me they get swept right back out. Like I'm not being given a chance to get what I need. It's frustrating. It's not fair. I want to stomp my feet and scream. Instead, I'll go light up a cigarette, grab a glass of water, and figure out what my next step is. Keep chugging along, and hope that something will eventually work out. Hope that it is sooner, rather than later. Try not to feel overwhelmed, and focus on one small step, the one directly in front of me rather than behind me.

I wish someone would hug me, hold me, and tell me it's going to be alright. I wish someone could comfort me. I wish I had more concrete support. The reality is that I don't. The reality is that I'm alone in this, and I have no one but myself to rely on. And just like every other time in my life, it's up to me to pick up the baggase and move on.

Monday, July 04, 2011

I'm lost. One day I gain sight, one day I lose sight. I have an idea of what I'm doing, and I know when harm is in my path. My choices are clear, but I'm afraid to make them.

I've finished taking a 10 day program for coping skills, and have received a referral to both an anxiety group and 1-1 counselling for my depression, as well as done an intake for counselling surrounding assault.

It was a long weekend. I couldn't bring myself to celebrate Canada Day because I didn't have my kids with me. I didn't go out and enjoy all of the festivities that were available, or watch the fireworks, or visit the fair. I couldn't. I faced the fact that I couldn't bear to watch happy families. Instead, I joined a friend for a BBQ with some of the most amazing home-cooked food I've ever tasted in my entire life, watched some movies & had a sleepover.

Right now I'm focusing on turning my bedroom into my haven of security. It's a small project, it's within my means, and it's something to keep me focusing on the here and now.

I've lost weight, though I'mj unsure how. I've purchased a bus pass for this month on the local transit, and really have begun to enjoy riding the busses here, despite the fact that it takes hours for me to get home when I do take them.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

It's strange.I had to come back to Clearwater this weekend for my youngest's 5th Birthday. It's weird being here. Just plain weird.I was incredibly anxious before I came, and was ill for the first couple of hours, but I'm managing ok now.

My heart breaks when I watch my children, listen to them talk, and hear their delightful giggles. It shatters when they ask me when I'm coming home. It bleeds when they ask me why I can't just see a Dr here in Clearwater instead of seeing one in Kelowna.My arms ache because they hug me, my throat beats down the sob when they tell me they love me, my eyes get blurry when they smile at me, and I can't breathe because I don't want to leave them.Tomorrow I'll go back to Kelowna, with empty arms.Who knows when I'll see them again...maybe next month?

Thursday, June 23, 2011

I'm a little anxious today. I've got an appointment with a psychiarist at the hospital where I am attending a 10 day class in coping skills. While the class itself seems fairly unstructured, I'm making myself attend until the end. It's a challenge waking up and gettingg ready in the morning, given the lack of sleep, but I make it.Today, I assume that I'll be receiving an initial diagnosis on my mental health. Judging fromt he paperwork they've handed me so far, it looks like I may wind up with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course there's a mix of depression in there, but meh.I've got ideas floating around, and while I sit and simmer them, I'm afraid of which step to take first.I'm also grieving. Grieving the loss of my relationship, and grieving because I'm starting all over again. All over again, on my own. I'm starting to focus on my mental health on my own. While I have various people I call for support, it doesn't compare to a significant other giving me a hug, telling me they love me, and that it will all be alright. It doesn't compare to sharing myself with someone, with understanding and compassion. I'm relying on myself to get me through this. I have to look inside to find my own motivations. It makes for lonely going. I'm not afraid of being alone, but it would make things a lot more comfortable to cope if I had someone to rely on besides people on the phone.So, here I am, waiting for a diagnosis and to find out where I can go from there.My little H is having his 5th Birthday this weekend. I'll be travelling back to visit for the night, then making my way back down to Kelowna. I'm afraid that I won't be able to cope with seeing all my friends and my spouse, and the kids all at once. I'm afraid someone is going to tell me all the rumors that I've been told are flying around about me. I'm afraid of saying good-bye again after a mere 24 hour visit with my kids. It breaks my heart just thinking about it.I have to start out with nothing, and build myself into a real home, but eventually I'm going to have to move closer to them so I can share custody. I'm not going to be strong enough, or financially stable enough to do that for a while. This means I'm looking at a long time without having the kids in my care. This breaks my heart as well. My two main reasons for living are not within my care because I'm unable to care for them.It's difficult to do daily reminders that I'm here for them, and that I need to show them what life is supposed to be like. It's difficult not to slip into self pity, and feel sorry for myself. It's difficult not to beat myself up over my many mistakes, over what led me here.I'm grieving. Grieving the past, possible time wasted, the future that will never be. I now know that I will never celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary, or a 65th (like my step-grandparents did last weekend). I know that I may never have any more children.I saw some people from my former parenting & family groups the other day, and it broke my heart. I felt jealous that they had what looked like happy families. They had an outpouring of support surrounding them. They had pride. I felt it unfair that they had what they did, and I was sitting there without anyone to cuddle or cheer on.So, today I see the Doctor, and formulate a plan for how I am going to survive. Let's see what the day will bring.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Some days I can breathe, some days are tough to get out of bed.It's quiet, and my mind is occupied by my mom's collection of Buffy The Vampire Slayer series on DVD.I'm doing projects that allow me to sit on the couch, and occupy my hands.I miss my kids.I'm spending a lot of time in reflection. I'm spending a lot of time with myself.It's been cloudy & rainy a lot. Kind of like how I feel inside.I bounce back and forth between wondering if it was worth my hospitalization, and considering my future.The system is giving me a helluva time. Trying to access the help I need is a challenge, but Im working on it.It's hard to take care of myself. To cook, & eat, bathe, and sleep enough (or too little). Finding a balance isn`t easy.While I wish my life was what it was, I know I can`t have the things I earned back in Clearwater. I can see the end of my job, and I can see that my life is moving on.I watch the world continue out the window, I occasionally step out of the house when I`m dragged, and I ponder.I ponder what I am, what I've done, what's been done to me. I wonder how I can leave my kids, then remember that I wasn`t doing them any good just being there. If I can just keep working, if I can get the help I need, maybe I'll be able to tuck them in at night again.Maybe it's time I admit just how deeply ill I am. At some point I will need to face the truth. I hide, and I run, but in the end I'm always left alone with myself. In the end I have nothing to fear but what is within myself, ability or depravity.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. Motsly magazines that I'm scavenging from the thrift store. Back issues of Chatelaine, O, any crafter mag, and any Canadian mag I can get my hands on.After all of that reading, I decided I really wanted to try a few different projects. So, off to the thrift stores I went, and came upon my first items to try out. I bought a jewelry box for 2.99 & an old sheet music book for .99. I also grabbed a small handful of various craft brushes for .50.

I brought my stuff home, and gathered my determination to finish the main step of this project in one night. So, I set everything up on my tray (in front of the TV, lol), and set to just focusing on one step at a time so I didn't feel overwhelmed. It is my first project, after all. I started by tearing out the sheets of the music book, and tearing them into various random shapes, as I didn't feel like just gluing the sheets down as is.

I started by glues the box first, but changed my attack to gluing the back of the sheets I was using, and laying them onto the box. I did make a smaller mistake of not doing the short edged first, but I quickly fixed that. I began wrapping around the edges, and it turned out ok. When I started the bottom edge, I made sure to do the top edges first, wrapping the paper around it, then piecing over top of it.

I took my time with this project, mainly because I was watching tv at the same time. It was relaxing and enjoyable. I'm pleased with t

he finished product, and only have one step left, now that it's dried. I need to add a coat of sealing spray. For now, it's resting on a shelf in my bedroom. I'm ok with that.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Well, I've made it to Kelowna, and have made my base of contacts. Have my list of numbers in hand, and an idea of what I'll need to do for myself.First off, I've contacted the local Cancer Lodge, and will be donating my hair, as it's super long and I'm ready for it to go. This will mark the second hair donation I've done, and I'm sure lots more will follow over the years.Second, I'll be visiting the Kelowna Mental Health Centre tomorrow to do my intake and go from there with their recommendations.Tonight I'll be watching the Canucks game, and painting my toenails, cause everyone needs a reason to smile.I've started watching Buffy The Vampire tv series, as my mom has the complete collection on DVD. Should be fun, as I've run out of magazine's to read. I had picked up a bunch at a thrift store in Kamloops, but have worked my way through them all by now.Things are looking ok I guess. I received a phone call from a complete stranger in Clearwater to discuss his wife, though they're separated. Was a bit freaked out that he not only knew I was here, but managed to find the landline phone number for where I'm at. Was nice to chat with him though (as most Clearwater folk are quite chatty, and easy to talk to), as I have experience with his situation, and my field of employ, I was able to address his concerns and give him the building blocks he needed to address them with his spouse. Interesting how things happen.I'm tired, still. It's been quite an effort to not only get out of bed, but to do the daily routine of showering and getting dressed. My head seems to hurt all the time. I can't tell if that's related to muscle tension, or because of my crappy back-up glasses.I don't yet know if I'll be applying for work here, or if I will be filing for Medical Employment Insurance. It seems overwhelming, but I recall that the first step to issues like this are always the hardest for me.Despite my sometimes bleak outlook, life is still plodding along...

Friday, June 10, 2011

It's Friday already, and I don't even know what I did with my week!I've been thinking, reading, and sleeping. Not a whole lot else. I'm heading out this afternoon for another town, and tomorrow my mom will pick me up. Monday I'll be able to set services up for myself somewhere, make appointments.I haven't been able to bring myself to actually submit my resume to anywhere. I'm afraid, and currently, my fear is holding me back.The ceremonies for my cousin were long, but enjoyable. I lacked the ability to congratulate her though, as I was having significant trouble speaking past the huge lump in my throat. As I watched all the grad photos in the special reel they played, I couldn't help but think to myself that my cousin was by far the most beautiful grad there. I'm so glad that I call her a part of my family, not only because she's a fantastic person (and so is her mother), but because she's got a calm, self ability, and knows what she wants. I envy that right now. Otherwise I love her to pieces, and am proud that she has the ability to be so successful (I dropped out of high school before I could make it to this point). This afternoon I'm going to take some more pictures of her in her grad gown before I leave town. Hopefully today I'll be able to speak...

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

What an interesting leap I've taken. I loved this little graphic, and thought I'd share it with you.My blog has been honest, and while I've held back some items for safety/privacy reasons, this is not something I'm going to hold back.

I was checked into the hospital over the weekend. After a cry for help was answered by the fine folks at The Crisis Centre of BC, I accepted their recommendations, and went were I was best helped for the time being.

There are a number of things holding me back in my rural community that I love so much. I was unable to get any services for myself to help me out of the pit I was getting deeper into.

While there are many judgements about suicide, I have to say that it's always been there, hiding in the back of my mind. I'm a frequent depression sufferer, and have been as long as I can remember. I remember being a child and wishing I could die because it was too horrible to live when no one listens to you, believes you, and saves you from those who preyed on me.

While I attempted it once earlier in my youth, I had no idea I would be pushed so close again.

In any event, I'm here, in the care of those who love me, trying to build some sort of framework for myself to enable me to carry on.What I want my readers to know is that this is a part of my everyday life, and if there are others out there who feel like I do, know that I'm here. Let's do it together.

Reaching out is hard to do. It leaves you vulnerable, it leaves you open to rejection and more pain, and the possibility that the people you reach for won't understand and won't listen. The important thing to do is to keep reaching, keep looking for what you need, it's there, but sometimes it's a little harder to find.

My eyes are killing me. I broke my glasses on friday, and have been wearing my old pair ever since. I'm suffering frequent headaches, and have had to cut back the amount that I am reading. Sometimes I'm reading job sites online, or am reading a selection of books that I have on hand, or reading varioues news stoeries. I don't like cutting back how much I read, I love reading, even though I complain about it once and while. I'm gonna give an online site for glasses a try, after a visit to the Optometrist to get a prescription.

Sunday, June 05, 2011

I own my own home where the rooms are themed, decorated, clean & bright. I have a large yard with swings, a sandbox & trampolline. I have a garden that is thriving & flowers that love me. I feel beautiful in my home, content. I have a small car & minivan. I have a job that I enjoy which leaves me satisfied. My children are helpful, capable, respectful, curious & independant. They smile, laugh & prosper. I have hobbies that I enjoy, quiet to pass the time & a need to explore. I am grateful for each day, the revealations that life shows me. I am full of energy & ability & I don't hold back. I stand for my beliefs, but keep my mind & heart open. I don't fear change, but accept it with grace. I value my elders & accept what they teach me. I give my love freely, expect nothing in return & get more that I know what to do with.

Friday, June 03, 2011

I just need a little companionship.Sometimes, I find myself in need of human touch.I have a lot of contacts on my phone, and it never fails, when I need someone, no one answers me.I can see myself falling into the midst of a serious bout of severe depression. I can see it clearly. Like watching a movie in HD.I can't bring myself to do my usual hobbies, I find interactions with my children exhausting, I have a hard time doing anything but lay in bed. Work is an extreme chore, despite the fact that I love my jobs. I constantly feel like crying. I honestly don't feel like eating anything at all. I shower because I have to.I want someone to hold me, to comfort me, to tell me it'll be alright someday, and that someday isn't far away.I want someone to hold my hand on my way to work, and encourage me.I want someone to help me play with my children, bit by bit, and let me know it's ok that I've had enough.I want someone to tell me to rest every now and then.I want it to be ok that I'm depressed, and not this horrible calamity that it actually is.I need support. I need constant support. I need someone I can call at any hour and know that I can cry through the line and still feel like I can meet their gaze the next day.I want to feel that what I'm feeling right now isn't "psycho", or "fucking crazy", or "just being a bitch".I want someone to understand me, to empathize with me, and to let me know that I'm ok. I don't want to be stigmatized, to feel guilty just to have feelings.I want to be able to laugh again. I want to be able to smile, genuinely. I want to enjoy the little things, to fascinate over the wonders of the universe, and enjoy being alive.I don't want to swim in emotional torment, to feel like I'm drowing in my own body, to despise the fact that I'm waking up each and every goddamned morning.I don't want to hide my tears, to face a smile, to force conversation that I just don't have in me, to pretend that life is actually liveable, to pretend that everything is ok.I've been on medication since last summer, but medication alone can't save me. I need support, I need an outlet, and I need to get my life moving again. I need love.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Each year, a local Motel in Little Fort (where my Gramma lives) has a pitch that your first cone from them of the season is free. this year I decided to pay, even though it was our first.

I spent some time uploading pictures fromthe last 2 months to my flickr account, and realized I've got a collection of our first cones of the year shots uploaded. How nice to have a tradition that I didn't even know of! I wonder if there are any more...

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Phew. I can't believe it's been over a month since I last blogged. How did that happen?Work.I'm working three jobs, and have been since Spring Break and the last time I blogged. Pregnancy Outreach, Daycare, and Preschool Teacher Assistant. That being said, I've really only got about 33 paid hours per week to rack up. It's decent pay, and enjoyable jobs, but MAN! I'm beat by the time I get home, and it's been a regular routine of early to bed and up with the birds.There's been a number of changes at work that have me scratching my head and thinking "This is just too easy!" One of which, has allowed me to apply for the position (I think it's beginning in September) of Preschool Teacher. Scary, exciting, intimidating, and thrilling.My daycare hours are now being trimmed back, and will quite possibly dwindle even further in light of employee interactions.My Pregnancy Outreach Program is going well, and has begun posing some interesting new challenges that are really keeping me on my toes.I recently traveled down to Kamloops for a week to go for training in the World Health Organization's 20 hour Breastfeeding Course (Making A Difference). It was delightful, informative, and wonderfully enlightening. I was surprised that despite being in a roomful of professionals (Various Nurses, a Doctor, Pediatrician), I was comfortable and even able to share some of my experiences and information as a front line worker. Our different perspectives really enabled us to cover a lot of information while sharing some things with one another that we might not otherwise have come across.SO, in short...I'm doing well, and am happy with the way things are going, as I'm busy, and being challenged every day in a different way. The best part is, these are such insurmountable challenges that I'm left overwhelmed, but are dynamic enough to mesh together well, and leave me wanting more...so, I asked for it.I've booked my time off from work to go North in the end of June to enjoy attending my Uncle's Wedding with my family. I'm leaving my plans until the last minute, as I really don't think I'm capable of planning that far in advance right at this particular moment in time.I've been watching the Canucks games in the playoffs, and am really enjoying getting riled up while I'm at it.Life is swell, and though I have a number of personal circumstances that aren't so great, I think I'm coping quite well despite this fact.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

I've been feeling twitchy this week. I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact thatD turns 9 tomorrow ;o)I've been feeling kinda bluesy, and nto able to put my finger on why.I visited some gal pals today (muchly needed), and discovered my issue. I'm having The Spring Blues.I've been a renter as long as I've been able to have my own place, never actually having a home of my very own. I've always decorated it the way others wanted to, or not been able to make the changes that suited me because it's never been mine.In two weeks, Mr becomes a Permanent Resident of Canada. We've been working for this for 7 years, and it's finally coming! I'm excited.At the same time, my need for a place to call my own is starting to make itself known.I'm tired of renting, or holding off on changes I'd like to make because it's not in the contract, or just too much effort if we're just going to move in a few months.Goddammit I just want to know something is permanent! I want my own sense of security, and to know the satisfaction of not putting anything else off to "when I'm able to". I'm able to now. I'm fucking capable, and willing, and earnest, even, to get something started!I'm am thoroughly sick of wishing and dreaming of "someday" when I may be able to decorate or paint in shades that I like, or arranging furniture the way that best suits me, or having my own sewing room, or garden to grow and plant and tend.My spring blah's have me antsy, chomping at the bit, and rearing to go.Unfortunately, I'll have to be patient a while longer until credit can be established, after all...only fools rush in.For the time being, I'm going to content myself (hopefully) with building some staggered shelves for my garden pots that'll be growing my peppers, peas & tomatoes (if they continue to grow from the seeds I've planted with my kids' help this week) and anything else that catches my fancy. I'm going to learn how to use a hammer and nail, and any other power tool that may be required, as these have always represented permanence or change when I wasn't ready for it, and scared the daylights out of me. I've got two friends who need home repairs, and who aren't opposed to me helping out in exchange for teaching me how to do said repairs. Hopefully this will curb my craving for stability long enough to get what we need done to eventually get into our own home.I'm hoping.Spring has jumped up and bit me right where it counts, and boy howdy, this year I'm gonna do something about it!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I don't know that I've ever explained what I do for a living. In case I haven't, to put it simply, I am the first stop to prevent children from being removed from the home. I am contracted by the government to teach parenting skills to at risk families.I am humbled, at times, that I was chosen to do this job. There are times when I feel overwhelmed when I consider the implications that I've been entrusted with. I have group of professionals who are accredited, hold degrees, doctorates, and have education much farther than myself who hold me in high esteem.I do my job well.How do I know? Well, for starters, I've made it more than a year. I've got a group of clients that I've been working with for this length of time that trust me. I've seen improvements in some people whom I didn't know had it in them, but that I thought it might be a good idea to pass information off to. I know through evaluation and experience what can be expected from my clients, and what may take a little bit of encouragement to bring about. I hold faith that each and every one of my clients will reach their full potential, if I can find the key that will enable them to reach for it.I have faith.I am dedicated to my clients. I love their children. My clients know this. My clients know that I am in their lives to encourage and support them. My clients know me.While there are boundaries that are not to be crossed, I am honest with my clients. I am honest about myself, and about my faith in them. I trust my clients. I have since the first day I entered their home. I have given myself completely to them. I give them respect, trust, and honesty. They return it. This is how I know that I do my job well.

Today was a tough day. I dealt with grief. I dealt with it in my client, and with myself, as this client was the spouse of my original client who had passed away. I'm honored that this person is choosing to keep me in their lives, and is allowing me to help them, in any way that I can. I was saddened because I can see the outcome, if we fail. There is only so much that I can do. While I will do whatever I can, they have to do their part.

I printed out a list for D to start focusing on at home for chores before he's allowed privileges like video games. He did everything on it today without question.I asked my supervisor if we could open our program up to Single Dads and Grandparents (as opposed to just the Pregnant Mothers we've advertised), and he said yes. I asked if we could try to open up the avenue for a parenting group for my clients, and I was handed the manuals and training materials for a group facilitators. I asked if I could order more resources, I was told as long as it's before the end of this month (fiscal year).I asked the Daycare manager if I could enroll for more ECE courses, and she said they'd pay for at least two this year, so long as I took the steps to begin the proccess.I joined a Breastfeeding Committee in town, and am now in training to become a LaLeche League leader, as well as facilitating a Breastfeeding group until we're LLL accredited.I asked for the opportunity to have clients as far as our program reaches (2 hours north) and today my co-worker asked me if she could refer someone from this region to my program.I've been working for months on a manual for my program specifics, and this week the Prenatal answers I've been searching for fell in my lap.I asked my co-worker (other half of my program) if she would be willing to switch days to accommodate me taking on another position in a different job, and she said "Please do, they're desperate!"I got back to my office today from my difficult visit, and my co-workers cried with me. I asked for someone to listen, and they waited quietly to hear what I had to say until I was finished pouring my heart out. Afterwards they said I'm not alone.Today a client told me she trusts me more than her own family.I asked this week, and I've heard nothing but yes.I'm thinking I should ask more often.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

You know, I was laughing last year, at my friends who were hitting this hurdle. I guess it's their turn now.I've recently been pondering the health of my family. I don't like what I see. There is a line of genetics that will be working against me as I age. I could put this information off until I get older...but, I'm turning 30 this year. It's important that I start paying more attention to my health than what I've been paying it in the past.I've determined, that I'm absolutely certain that the year of my 30th birthday will be the year change will be in place.I've been in a genuinally good mood all week. Part of this is due to the fact that I know that I can commit to tehse changes, and that I've got a good idea of when I want these changes to take place and how.The other part of it is due tot he fact that spring is in the air. Sure, there's still feet of snow on the ground, it's still brisk out, the sun comes and goes, and it can still get quite gloomy here...but that hasn't stopped me from busting out some of my more treasured outfits, and showing a new leaf in my office-wear to work. Mr. B is shedding like a son-of-a-gun and he's been restricted to a section of the house we don't frequent to lessen the allergic reaction portion of his year.We had a parent/teacher conference w/D's teacher today. It went well. We've got a clear idea of how to address the insignificant issues taking place, and a clear idea of what we can expect when he starts Grade 4. We're excited that a lot more extra-curricular teams will open up to him. I'm very proud to report that he's currently reading at an advanced 4th grade level as well! With constant communication and a clear avenue of approach, I'm hoping that his journey into his tweens will leave us all a little less bumped than we've been.D turns 9 on the 25th. This will (as stated above) officially place him in his tweens. I'm rather intimidated to ponder that I will someday be dealing with a teenager, and not this beautiful little boy who's here right now.H is formally registered to begin K in the fall. I'm sad for that, but alas. I'll have two children in school in September, leaving Mr & I free to pursue full time employment.On that note, Mr received his approval letter for his Permanent Residency. The next step is an interview in Kelowna w/Immigration, and then we shall be free of this proccess.I've pulled out my sewing machine, and am planning a few small projects for myself. I'm feeling inspired, and I really do want my home to look it's best, so I'm hoping I can hold on to this feeling.

About Me

Amber

I am a walking contradiction. I'm honest to a fault, but have learned to filter my thoughts to sting a little less. I'm growing at a glacial pace, and am inviting you to watch. It's about as much fun as watching paint dry, but at least you've got an invitation!