My story

First off, I´d like to say hi to everyone, I´m new here, as many people here, I am taking this as a chance to let everything off my chest, so here goes nothing

I´m a 20 year old guy, I am a very introverted and logical person, I can hold conversations with almost anyone that is put in front of me but I have a severe lack of trust in people., but I´ll explain the why of all my problems later on. I would also like to apologize since a lot of the dates in the story may not exactly match up as for these last years have been a bit blurry for me.

My life started pretty good, even if I lacked a father, I was priviledged with having a wonderful loving mom who could afford to give me private education for most of my life, of course, this had a cost, she wasn´t here much for me, so my grandmom did a good chunk of my caretaking and education, most of my family is religious, so I was raised with the idea that there is a merciful god and that there is a heaven and hell. So since I was 11, I´ve had the thought of suicide in my mind, I didn´t have any particular reason, I just didn´t find much sense in life, never really talked about it with anyone so I kinda just shrugged it off but it has been there in the back of my head ever since; it all started to come back to me when I was 16-17, I was in high school, most of my friends changed schools except one, being the person I talked the most to and my best friend for a few years by then, I had started to develop feelings for him, I have never been the kind to want to be in relationships, but hey, one can´t control feelings, right? Anyway, that year he started to get with bad company, not that he wasn´t before, but at least he listened to me which kept him away from a fair amount of trouble but he didn´t seem to care about me anymore, he was too busy with other friends and a relationship he had at the time.
Almost at the start of the school year, I started to question my beliefs which, were the foundation of my morals and the way I saw life, I came to see the attrocities that were in the world and the amount of injustice in it, so I decided I couldn´t believe there was a merciful god out there nor a heaven and hell, this lead me to a huge depression, which in turn, made my grades go down, I had always been one of the smartest in class, so this only brought me lower into a pit of self hatred. I do not know how long this extends into the year, I had lost all sense of time because of my depression, but I assume it was 3 months at least, so seeing that I wasn´t going to dig my way out of this one, like I always did, I asked my friend if he could help me get my grades up, he wasn´t the smartest, but he and I made a good team and I had helped many times before so I assumed he would try at his very least, his response however, was "I don´t have to take care of you"

Well... after that... I spent a few more months in depression, I used to talk in Omegle with some people and did my best to help them with their problems or simply try to inspire them to help others; why? well, I never had a dream of my own and I was pretty sad to see all the suffering in the world so I decided that I wanted to "save the world" I know how foolish this sounds and I constantly remark how foolish it is to follow such a dream whenever someone asks me about it, but hey, it was something to focus on and that kept me going so even if it was stupid, it kept me going. One day, I met this girl there... she was very polite and had great grammar, which for Omegle, is quite a rarity , so we kept talking like usual but she asked me for my phone number, which, she being from the USA and me being from Mexico wouldn´t have worked, so I told her that and we exchanged mails instead, the next day she contacted me and we kept talking each day, even if it wasn´t much; she was 14 years old or so she told me at the time, she also gave me a fake name, which I caught up on very quickly, but that didn´t bother me, I knew she probably had a reason as for she was rather honest with many other details in her life. At the same time, my mom had stopped going to work on the weekends because she wanted to try to get back in shape and so she got 2 suscriptions to a gym, we both went there on the weekends, it made me really happy as for I didn´t spend much time with her and she was the only person in the family I could get along with as for my grandmom and aunt are incredibly consevative and my uncle lives far away, anyway, back to the main topic, we did excersice there and we kinda competed to see who did better, she was almost 50 at the time and I was about to turn 17, it was fun to have someone to compete with, it was a friendly rivalry, she was better than me at weight lifting but I was way above her at cardio; with this many changes

in my life, things were getting better for me... a good friend who I was developing a great friendship with, even if she was in another country and physical activity with my mom, I was getting happier also my former friend kinda left school towards the end so even better for me, I didn´t have to deal with him anymore.

By the end of the school year, we got a notification that the school was closing so I had to change school for the last year of highschool, I wasn´t fond of people in my last highschool but at least they knew I was rather weird, I was a bit scared to have to deal with new people but I went to a school were one of my friends of middle school was, granted, he took classes for another area as for I went for the area that taught about mathematics and engineering, but a friend in the same school is a friend, right? It was a nice school, the people there were incredibly friendly, except one guy in other group which I quickly told to fuck off. On the family front things weren´t ideal, my mom and I had stopped going to the gym and a few months later she quit her job because she didn´t agree how the boss was running things financially, she being the manager of contability and her "don´t give me shit" attitude made them clash and she had ended up leaving, things were alright though, she was a smart woman knew how to deal with finantial situations. On the online front, I was getting more personal with this girl, I had really fallen for her, but as I said before, I´m not one for relationships, so I wasn´t going to confess or anything, especially she being younger than me and being in different countries. Moving on, I was learning a lot in school and started digging engineering and science quite a bit, things were great, even if my mom didn´t had a job at the time, she had Money saved so we were managing but then she fell sick, she was a very strong woman, I can proudly say I knew no onw stronger than her, physically and mentally, but it was taking a toll on her, at first, both she and I dismissed it as for we knew how strong she was, this is the part that I wasn´t informed after months later, my aunt decided to take her to a doctor, she didn´t want to be a bother since it would be expensive since she didn´t have medical coverage since she wasn´t working but she went after she insisted for quite a while, she... she had cancer, they told her she had pancreatic cancer... even knowing this, she kept trying to get a job on her own, even when 2 other aunts wanted to pay for her medical insurance of the year, she was stubborn... She underwent cirgury by December and had to stay hospitalized for a bit of time, nothings too serious or so I though, I didn´t know what she had, I didn´t know many things but she was still the strongest person I knew so I imagined it was nothing she couldn´t take; by this time, she was 51 and I was almost 18 and things had gone great for me, I was soon to take university exams, my m,om had a stable job and I thought she was back to health, my friend and I were very close.

Well, by the start of the year the girl I was friends with confessed to me that she had lied about her name and her age, she was a year younger than what she had told me and as expected, she had lied abotu her name, but she had her reasons, she had a lot of trusts issues just like me, even though it kinda hurt,I forgave her and we moved one, a bit later she added me on facebook and funnily enought, on the day before we met, she confessed that she liked me... I was paralized at the time, granted it was obvious she was trying to tell me something before but me, being the dense piece of wall I am, I didn´t notice, so... I... I kinda ignored it and... the next day I apologized, I told her I liked her too but I was just... scared since no one had asked me out; she kinda accepted it but still held back on this, troughout the next month she told me about how she felt and we talked it out, a month or so after the confession, she asked me to be her boyfriend and I was more than happy to be with her so we started to go together, I was so happy I told my mom about this, of course, being the kind of person she was, she told me I was long overdue, when I told her it was my online friend she looked concerned but shrugged off for my happiness, gotta love mothers, huh? well, I was super happy and I was about to take my first exam for the uni which I aced and landed myself a spot in one of them, then I took another one, which I failed and then I took another one which again, I aced, I have to say, by this point, we had move with my aunt because my mom didn´t like the house, it was a bit old and all and she thought it may have been affecting her health (hope that´s not the case because it kinda is the only home I know and I´m living there again) Anyway, the school year was almost over, I was happy, I had a choice where to go, 2 out of the 3 best universities over here, one of them being the best engineering university in the country but... as soon as the

school year ended... my mom... she was getting extremely bad... she was struggling to wake up, she kinda fell in a coma... she didn´t have medical insurance since she lost her job again... so we had to wait for my uncle to come and pay for her insurance, she stayed a few days in home, still in a coma... then when the day came we took her to the hospital and she was very bad... she was in a diabetic coma, her sugar level was above 900, I don´t remember a lot... but there was something wrong with her brain as well, doctors thought she wouldn´t wake up but of course, she pulled trough, she wasn´t the strongest person I knew for nothing. At this point, I had to come and go to the hospital while taking care of my relationship and getting ready to make tramits to get into college... yeah, it was hard, but I guess having someone to talk to helped me, even if I kept my mom´s condition a secret for a bit longer.

So this is the part of the story where things get real coonfusing for me, my time perception was non existant but I´ll try to do my best to explain

My mom was in and out of the hospital but I remember she got to a point where she was better again, she could walk on her own and help with many things in the house, at this point, the lights had been cut off from out house since my grandmom had forgotten to pay the bills from quite a while ago and we didn´t had the money to pay them anymore, but we were with my aunt now so it was no problem... I remember that my mom... fell sick again... we took her to the hospital... but this time, she didn´t really get better, by this time the doctors realized her cancer was in the duodenum, which is an extremely rare cancer, hard to treat... well, we still had hope, they were getting her ready for a cirgury, again, but someone had to stay 24/7 with her and I took a big chunk of that responsability... to the point I lost a quarter of my weight... no one cared about it, the main focus was my mom, she was the only person I trusted but I didn´t want to make her worry... but I think in way, she knew, she kept on giving me some of her hospital food... she gave me the bread and the cookies, sometimes her juice too... it´s funny... I think that food was the only things keeping me going, I was with her for long periods of time and I guess she noticed I didn´t eat much... anyway, she got ready for cirgury and that day wasn´t out of the ordinary, the doctors tried to remove it and all that stuff, I kiss her on the cheek for good luck and stayed there for a good chunk of time then I left for home after my uncle arrived, the next day I learned the news... they hadn´t removed the tumor... she and I probably were the only ones educated enought to know this was extremely bad... and yes, she knew too, she woke up the same day of her cirgury and was informed of this... well things... went downhill from there... I skipped the timeline to enter college for her cirgury, my girlfriend was having a lot of family trouble and I had to comfort her, my mom was getting worse and my family was falling apart... I remember the day, it was august 17th... the first day I was close to killing myself... on the way back home, I was so depressed I thought about jumping in front of the train... then one of my legs started to move on it´s own... it was very scary stuff, but I was able to stop my body. A few months later my mom was getting more and more sick... when I took her to the doctor, they told us she wouldn´t be able to get chemo... yeah... there and then, she and I knew she was dead... her mind was very weakened by the sickness and she had lost a third of her weight... she was starting to have visions of dead relatives and other similar things... at this point, I´m the only one in the family with enought education to know what this meant... I kept it to myself... this... this was her last week of life... so I guess it wasn´t a secret for much... I took her to the hospital and waited for a diagnosis, I knew what the diagnosis would be but my mom was in a lot of pain and I just wanted for them to help her control it at least... I remember that after the doctor told me it was terminal, which wasn´t a surprise but was still devastating to hear I went back to my mom... something that I hadn´t noticed until days later was that before I went in with the doctor to the office and told him the syntoms, she was moaning in pain, but when I came back and tried to mantain her head up... she... she was silent... I don´t know if she noticed I was crying or if she just knew... but she stopped... she was just... silent, then a nice lady helped her change clothes since I couldn´t help her much, I was barely about her weight so she offered then they told me to wait outside... I called my aunt and told her that she wasn´t going to make it and that she had short time... I told her to explain it to her son and that I would explain it to grandmom... I had been in the hospital for more than 24 hours at that point... I probably was such a pathetic sight... I remember people came close to me and offered

me something to eat... I hadn´t eaten since I left for home and my mom wasn´t getting food while I was in the room so she couldn´t give me either... I took it, I didn´t like the food but I was hungry enought to eat it anyway... , anyway, a nurse told me that they would be transporting my mom to other hospital which had the meds to control the pain... then a bit later on... they called me again... they couldn´t get my moom ot keep on the breathing mask thing, she kept on taking it off and asked me to go and see if I could help... when she saw me... she had the biggest smile I had ever seen on her... as soon as I was there she put on the mask thingie.... she was making trouble so they would call me... we talked for a bit... and knowing this was one of her last days I asked her if I could show her my girlfriends photo... she said yes and so I did... she couldn´t see at first, she was probably almost blind at that point but I asked her to try to see again... it was pretty retarded of me, but hey I think anyone would have done the same, anyway, she saw her and she told me she looked very innocent and then I asked her if I had her blessing to marry with my girlfriend... she said yes... a little after the ambulance to transport her was ready... so we went and moved her to another hospital and there I asked her about my father... she had always lied about him when I asked, I knew since I was little but it is one of those things I didn´t care about since I had her... she told me his name and then I had to go to the waiting room again... at least until they gave her a room... it was fast, I went in with her and the doctors gave us a choice, they could try to keep her alive with an alimentation tube or she could just... wait... I asked her, with tears in my eyes and promises no matter what she chose, I would respect it, even if my aunt and uncle disagreed, he said she didn´t want to and I called to tell them that and so we waited... that night was the last time I saw alive... my last words to her were "goodbye, just in case" the next day, while I was home, my uncle called and told me to get to the hospital and so I went... she passed away as I was on my way, Thursday October 2nd 17:28... when I ws at the gates of the hospital, waiting, I didn´t know what to do, I wanted to go to my girlfriend, which was impossible, she was a country away and I didn´t had money, I thought about walking... I knew it wouldn´t work... but ideas can be crazy when you are down... time passed on, my grandmom was getting worse from her memory, she couldn´t remembr many things and she was always arguing with my aunt, it got to the point I was sick of it, so we went back home... we have been here ever since, I take care of her, mostly, she does house chores while I take caer of her medication, diet, insuline shots and all that... things were getting better and I got back into college but things aren´t going well... the schedule is pretty harsh and I can barely eat some days... my girlfriends felt pretty lonely too... we would speak on the weekends but she would still be sad... but I couldn´t help it, I had to go to college... she was getting better though, she wasn´t as insecure anymore, she was trying to make friends to not be lonely... but... last monday... she told me she let a guy kiss her... I was crushed... not because of what you would think, I knew it would be logical for her to look for human contanct while rediscovering the pleasure of company... and I knew the friend liked her... but I didn´t oppose to them hanging out because I trusted her, at first at least, I notice her growing distant and trying to pick fights with me, I knew something was up, but what crushed me was that once again, she had broken a promise to me... she had promised me her first kiss... I know, it´s a stupid reason to be sad about... but... I really wanted to believe she would keep it; a few weeks before, she also had promised to go to sleep together on a skype call... I was scared because I kept dreaming of my mom and was waking up sad and I´ve had insomnia ever since... anyway, we talked it out and... well... she told me she had to let me go because she would only keep on hurting me... she hopes I will find someone, I think... but after all I went trough with her... I can´t let go, I wasn´t one for relationships from the start and now I am left alone again... after she had promised me a future together... I´m posting this because last night was pretty bad for me... I was thinking about suicide, I had a plan for it, I had the means and I have nothing left to cling on but my foolish dream... guess that me being scared of dented blades is a good thing too, anyway, that´s my story, I´m glad that I could get it off my chest, even if no one reads it