I was going to write about the terrible feeling I get when I do not
complete OCD rituals, and how I create this feeling and perpetuate it. But I
have to jump back to a couple blogs ago wherein I identified the self-sabotage
that creates a world of chaos, disorder and fear which then justifies the OCD.
I want toaddress this point again because
it recently played out in an event in my life.

It’s hard to wrap the mind around
self-sabotage, because why would anyone do things that make life harder for
themselves? I had long been under the impression that things will just work
themselves out, and my ‘natural state of being’ is one that will automatically
work towards improvement and doing what’s best for me. But this is not so. And
once you start looking at things and events within the understanding that subtle
or unconscious self-sabotage is in fact a possibility, you start to see it
everywhere. Just a simplified example: if you are cooking or cleaning or
something, and you knock something over and make a mess, how mad do you get? If
you forget your keys or accidentally lock yourself out or forget to pick
something up at the grocery store, don’t you notice yourself saying things like
“I can’t believe I did that, I’m so stupid, I ALWAYS do that, when am I going
to learn?” This is some nasty stuff to say to oneself over little insignificant
things that could instead be dealt with by, for example, taking a breath and
just cleaning up the mess, calling your roommate to let you in, using a
different ingredient in the recipe, etc… and reminding yourself to cook or
clean a little more slowly, to always put your keys in the same spot, or to
bring a list when shopping (problem, solution, learning, prevention, benefit).
But instead we create this meanness within ourselves. It’s this brutality that most
would probably never impose upon another person, so why ourselves? It just
makes us feel bad! We’re manipulating our own emotions and creating an internal
environment that is not stable and ready to take on the day, and to take on
life.

And the question that has to be asked
in self-honesty is: do we really even want to take on the day, and take on
Life?Getting angry and mad and
resentful towards oneself, for whatever reason, is disempowering. It really
does a good job of setting one up to say “fuck it- I can’t do anything about it
and I can’t do anything about myself. I am unforgiveable, unchangeable, so I
might as well just succumb to it… And then we succumb; because what is the
point or life, really, if we’re just nasty towards ourselves all the time,
creating this internal environment of self-hate, disappointment and anger? And
then this is where addiction can come in, wherein, I would find myself
thinking: “this is the only thing I enjoy and the only thing that gives me
pleasure.”

It’s like, in our mind we know what we’re doing, we are not
exactly dummies in this respect. We
know how we are going to make ourselves feel when we treat ourselves like shit
within ourselves. And we know if we start to take responsibility and start to
change this, we will lose our excuses, justifications and reasons for our
addictions- the one (or more) thing(s) that ‘gives us pleasure’- and I mean all
addictions here- addiction to television, drugs, food, OCD, worrying,-everything that is habitual and comfortable
for the mind- activities which are not beneficial for self, yet that are
participated in daily. And this is what I have notice within myself: we beat
ourselves up and in turn we justify addictions that make us feel better.

So, this is a whole can of worms that
I’m not going to go into any further in this blog, but I wanted to clarify my
understanding of self-sabotage in simplistic terms, because today I saw very clearly
how I sabotage myself in a way that has been causing huge problems for me. I
wrote a small series about it in relation to the difficulties I was
experiencing while studying and finishing my degree- but I never quite got to
the bottom of it (Blog Series- Becoming An Effective Student). It plays out daily in so many ways. Sometimes it is very
small, and sometimes it runs my day- but each time it happens, it is an
opportunity for me to look into what exactly is going on within myself, and to
identify and take apart the pattern that is sabotaging me from really actually living
for real.

So, what happens for me is, on my
days off for example: I’ll say, I ‘m going to go to yoga today, I ‘m going to
get some groceries and cook for the week, and I’m going to do some writing. But
then, what will happen is varying degrees of self-sabotage (I can’t go to the
grocery store, I look like shit, it will take too long anyways, and I don’t
have the money. I’m too tired to go to yoga, I have nothing to wear, all my
clothes look bad, I’m just going to stay home, I ‘ll go tomorrow, etc…)

So today, I woke up and there was a
note for me that the car needed to be registered, which would involve me taking
2 or 3 very easy steps, and driving but 15 minutes away to the town hall to pay
for it and get the stickers. What happened was- I got myself to the point of
moving towards starting the task, and I had huge resistances like “I don’t want
to do this, I can’t do this, ” etc… The fact that I HAD to do it is kind of
like cheating, because I couldn’t get out of it and drive around in an
unregistered car…. I did contemplate it- but this is something I HAD to do.
When it’s something I don’t absolutely HAVE to do, it’s easier to succumb to
the self-sabotage.

So I was standing there thinking to
myselfthat I was so stressed and
anxious, and I just wanted to stay home, I don’t want to go out there and see
people, and have people looking at me and seeing me like this, and I felt
completely stuck. And then all of a sudden I had this moment, where I just said
to myself, “how am I creating this for myself?” And I realized I was in fact
creating it for myself, and that I don’t want to be this way. And it is my
choice to either be this way or to change.

So I ‘m going to use self-forgiveness
to look into how I create this stuck-ness, this inability to move myself to do
the things I plan to do- which are all things that are beneficial to me, and
that would be taking steps toward expanding my potential. But instead I remain
stuck, unable, and the only thing that gives me any satisfaction in those
moments is picking my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to turn thoughts of tasks and responsibilities into energetic
charges and experiences within me, by constantly and continuously thinking
seemingly imperceptible thoughts such as “I can’t do this, I’m not going to be
able to do it, something is going to prevent me from doing this, if I start I
will never finish, I won’t do it well enough and I will be disappointed, etc..”
which are all actually thoughts based on memories of times where the play-out
of events didn’t go the way I planned, or I gave up, or accepted and allowed
myself to succumb to fear, and instead of learning from those situations, I
took them to be ‘just who I am’, I identified with them and perpetuated them until
I actually made them into true statements of who I am, and so now I have to
deal with them In real time, because the past is always present here with us.

I commit myself to continue learning
how to recognize those moments I experience as a complete ‘stuckness’ for what they
are, which are moments of resistance because of and due to the fact that I have
projected the past into the future and allowed it to freeze me in time because
I’m too scared to walk into the disaster I have already created for myself in
my mind.

I commit myself to, in moments of ‘stuckness’,
unstick myself within the realization that I can direct myself through any and
every moment as the choice to not continue repeating the past, but to walk
myself into and as an unscripted future which I decide.

When and as I feel the ‘stuckness’
wherein I just want to stay home and not see anyone and not move myself, I
stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-movement by reminding myself
that I am the creator of this experience, and this experience does not
determine Who I Am, and I show myself that this in fact a FACT, by walking
myself through the situation in awareness, so that my thoughts are not
directing me, but I am directing myself, and I show myself that my thoughts are
wrong: I Am Not a disaster, a disappointment and a failure, this is NOT who I
am, I am rather capable, learning, adaptive and able.

I will continue with self-forgiveness in my next blog…

Self Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop
mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change
forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life
--This is some of the benefits and rewards that one receive with walking the DIP
LITE training -- and it is ALL FREE and will even FREE you from your
EGO.Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE,
try it for yourself .

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About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.