A Skunk with feathers? Danged right...thoughts and musings of just such a skunk, one that learned how to type, conjugate verbiage and communicate thought processes easier than lifting the tail to scatter the opposition. It doesn't always work with 419 email scammers or the pathetically politically correct (which readers will find I ain't). For them, the tail gets lifted, and they get sprayed. *DISCLAIMER*: sometimes, it doesn't pay to drink or eat while reading this h'yar. Just sayin'...

Thursday, May 2, 2013

A Diplomatic 800th

Nigerian internet cafes where scammers do their thang from. They probably wrote nobama's hellthscare plan there, too. But I digress...for a moment.

Yes...this post marks 800 for this blog. Proving yet again that I have perfected time wasting since June of 2005, roughly thrice-weekly. But the honor of 800 goes not to me..but to a *US ambassador*.

Yes, I've had emails from all over and all sorts. But for the first time in my memory, I have received an offer to give me the business from a *US ambassador*. Our own ambassador to...*drum roll*....Nigeria.

I heard those *yawn*s. I think I added one.

Granted...I know that the email I received was NOT from the authentic Ambassador Terrence McCulley. But it was a nice gambit: the first half of the email introduced hisself to me, and trotted out all of his accomplishments and bona fides. Straight off his posted information on the embassy website.

*He* then went on to tell me how I was due $500,000 USD from the government of Nigeria, and how I could have my bank draft in 72 hours...AFTER (here came the *TOING*) I wired $150 USD to the "Embassy Protocol Officer".

Uh huh.

My first response was to write directly to the 'real' ambassador and thank him for his looking out for my non-existant Nigerian interests. That drew a 'robo' response and probably got me on a watch list.

Not that I care; I'm truly boring to watch.

My second response was to respond to the email with my 'Ben Dover' persona, and await the back 'n forth about the $150 to be wired, until they figured out they weren't gonna get it (ongoing).

My third and final response was....you guessed it...an 'edit' of the original scammer email. It ain't politically correct. Then again, neither am I. First, we'll treat you to the 'edited' email that went back to the 'ambassador'. Then we'll be happy to share the diplomatic 'exchanges' that occurred between hisself, Ambassador Terrence P. McCulley, US ambassador to Nigeria..*wink*..and the irrepressible Ben Dover (next post):

United States Consulate General Lagos2 Walter Carrington CrescentVictoria Island, LagosNigeria.

My name, in case you're not clairvoyant, is Terence Patrick McCulley, the new United States Ambassador to the Federal Republic of Nigeria. If you are a clairvoyant, then you needn't read the rest of this crap. If you're not, then perhaps an introduction and explanation is in order here.

The United States Senate -- when they aren't busy passing bills that none of them have or probably can read, let alone understand -- had confirmed my nomination on August 5 2010 after being nominated for this position by the worst potus in history, Barack Obama, on June 28, 2010.

My credentials as the new Ambassador appointed were presented to His Excellency President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan at the Presidential Villa in Abuja, Nigeria, on November 2, 2010. His pet hyena promptly ate them, but it was of little consequence, since they have a nearby Kinkos wherein -- like Jay Leno used to say in a Doritos commercial -- they'll make more for me.

I am a career member of a fly-infested internet caf...er...of the senior US Foreign Service with the rank of super-secret Ambassador to the court of St. James Place of Monopoly fame. I have spent most of my diplomatic career in Africa, trying to get cannibals to quit eating missionaries. I can't my last crop of missionaries, so I've more work to do.

I hold a Bachelor of Arts degree in European cave etchings and I can order wine in French, German, Azerbijani and Pig Latin.

But enough of that horn-tooting. The real reason I'm writing to you is that following the resolution of the meeting held with His Excellency President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan at the Presidential Villa in Abuja yesterday with some members of the Federal House of Senate -- here in Nigeria, they found putting the two houses together made for better CSPAN ratings -- an agreement was reached that the sum of $500,000.00 USD must be paid out to you in the form of comfort compensation for all the years you have wasted in waiting for honest media and Democrats to surface in US politics. You dummy, you should have known better.

Hence, the $500,000.00 USD compensation fund has been instructed to be paid out to you in the form of a Certified Check drawn on Intercolonoscopy Bank. The said Certified Check will be packaged inside a specially untreated cow anus and shipped inside an odor-proof U.S Embassy Official Envelope to be sent to you via Postal Mail at no cost to your mailing address. And the time frame for delivery is 72 hours, which is 3 weeks since it would be sent via a Postal Mail Service from Nigeria, and they eat as much mail as they send, so if there's any leak in the odor-proof envelope, you won't see our check.

Meanwhile -- and this is the part that I like, 'cuz it's gonna get Mama a new whatever-she-wants so I can get laid -- a "Custom Clearance Certificate", which must be obtained from the Nigerian Customs Authority at a fee of $150.00 USD. Hence, the $150.00 dollar fee must be paid within 24 hours upon your receipt of this notification via western union or MoneyGram, so that I can get laid..The fee should be sent directly to the "Embassy Protocol Officer". You don't need his name; he knows who he is some of the time, usually when he's not sniffing glue.

Please take note that the "Custom Clearance Certificate" and Certified Check need to be packaged together inside the specially untreated cow anus sealed inside the (supposed to be) odor-proof U.S Embassy Official Envelope for immediate dIspatch to your mailing address.

Hence, you are advised to comply as requested to enable me to get laid.

Respectfully,Mr. Terence P. McCulley*US Ambassador to Nigeria

* not really...I'm really a transvestite from Transvaal named Tugga Booga Boo, and I raise line-dancing crotch crickets for a living...they do lurve them that achy breaky heart sh**...
That didn't draw a response from either the *real* ambassador, or his Nigerian stand-ins. But in the next post, the *ambassador* -- or his Nigerian stand-ins -- show how hard they're ready to work for their *fees*...