30 Rock

30 Rock (2006–2013) is a primetime sitcom about a sketch comedy show originally called The Girlie Show and its head writer Liz Lemon. Although much of the series is written by head writer Tina Fey, the actors ad-lib a lot of the material.

Jack: [to Liz] I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.

Tracy: Yeah yeah yeah, I like risky. See, me and you, we play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello great meeting, I drink coffee please. This show is our chance to break the shackles cause the white dudes want to see us fail.

Pete: So, first you thought he was illiterate and now you think he's lazy? Liz, you are racist.

Liz: No, Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is supposed to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.

[Jack in an internal GE training video being shown to the writers.]

Jack: All you have to do as the writing staff of an NBC show is incorporate positive mentions, or "POS-MENS" of GE products into your program. For example you could write an episode where one of your character purchases, and is satisfied with one of GE's direct current drilling motors for off-shore or land-based projects.

Liz: Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

Dennis: [Reading from a letter] Dear Liz Lemon: While other women have bigger boobs than you, no other woman has as big a heart. When I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us, and for the first time since the ‘86 World Series, I cried… I cried like a big, dumb homo. And if it was up to me, we’d be together forever. But there’s a new thing called "women’s liberation," which gives you women the right to choose and you have chosen to abort me, and that I must live with. So tonight, when you arrive home, I’ll be gone. I officially renounce my squatter’s rights. I'll always love you. Goodbye and good luck. I'll never forget you.

Jack: Oh no, no. GE could never make something so... unique. We'll have to pass this off to one of our subsidiaries. [Jack rolls down a complex organizational chart ] You see, GE owns KitchenAll of Colorado, which in turn owns JMI of Stamford which is a majority shareholder of Pokerfastlane.com which recently acquired the Sheinhardt Wig Company which owns NBC outright. NBC owns Winnipeg Iron Works which owns the AHP Chanagi Party Meats company of Pyongyang, North Korea, and they will make the Meat Machine.

Jack: I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms-Up Day." Once a year all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. This year I'll be a page for a day and you'll be my boss.

Jack: That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.

[Jack, who has traded jobs with Kenneth, has bought Josh the wrong salad]

Josh: Oh, no! Dude, is this spinach?

Jack: Yes. You asked for [pulls out a sheet of paper] one spinach salad.

Josh: Actually, I wanted the stuff that comes on the spinach salad, but I wanted it with romaine.

Jack: Should I take it back?

Josh: I'm supposed to treat you like Kenneth, right?

Jack: That is correct.

Josh: [angrily] Well then yeah, genius, get me a new salad. Or, get me a time machine so I can go back and smack your mom for smoking crack while she was pregnant! [to Kenneth, who is standing in the doorway] Too much?

Jenna: Second of all, if the president is so serious about the war on terror, why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again? It's time for a change, America. That's why I'm voting for Osama in 2008.

Tracy: I believe that the moon does not exist. I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers but their curse is they never get a chance to prove it. I believe that there are 31 letters in the white alphabet. Wait... what was the question?

Liz: I'm telling you, this is my year. I feel like the show's going to be great and I'm very positive that I'm going to meet someone else.

Jack: Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.

Jerry Seinfeld: Still talking?

Liz: Oh. No, no no no. I haven't talked to him since... Whew... I dunno... August 9th, four seventeen PM...

Jerry Seinfeld: Mhmm. It's not over.

Liz: Oh no. It's over! I'm over it.

Jerry Seinfeld: No. It's not over until you pick up the phone. You say "I don't love you anymore," they say "I don't love you anymore either." You go "great, I'll pick you up in twenty. Let's grab a scone."

Liz: A scone! Yes! I want that! I'm gonna call him!

Liz: Hello, I'm sorry, may I speak to Floyd, please?... Oh, he's in the shower... I am conducting a survey for the Ranford Group, and, uh, how old are you? ...And your weight? ...And when was the last time you had intercourse? ...Who is this? Who is you? I is your worst nightmare, is who I is.

Liz: Hello, Jerry.

Jerry Seinfeld: Well, well, well. So you called that boyfriend.

Liz: Yes, I did.

Jerry Seinfeld: And it went well?

Liz: No. It didn't, Jer. A woman answered.

Jerry Seinfeld: Another woman already? What did you say to her?

Liz: I did a fake survey.

Jerry Seinfeld: You did the fake survey?!

Liz: I know! I'm not over it! [gestures to her wedding dress] And now I'm wearing this! What is the deal with my life?!

C.C.: Oh I'm working out of the Clinton offices for a few weeks. I'm helping Hillary retool her universal healthcare platform.

Jack: God, I want to kiss you on the mouth to stop you from saying such ridiculous things.

C.C.: I've been going crazy the last few days thinking about our night together. How you wanted to brush my hair as foreplay. How you made me that Western omelet at 4 a.m. I've never met anyone like you, Jack.

Jack: [about C.C.] She is my lover. That's right. She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama; my groovy chick; my old lady. She was our chief adversary during the Sheinhardt Wig hearings. She wants to tax us all to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog. But I think what we have is special, and I'm proud of her. And I'm not going to hide it any longer. I'm Jack Donaghy, damn it! And this is my woman.

Jack: The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They taught us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions.

Jeffrey: Okay, I'm Jeffrey. I am a mediator, and you two are having a dispute. Now why is that?

Jenna: Because Tracy thinks he can treat me unfairly because I'm a woman.

Tracy: What? Please, we are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to do to black folks. It's like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars! White people stole jazz, rock 'n roll, Will Smith, and heart disease! Now they think they can take my hard-earned money.

Kenneth: Oh, Miss Lemon. You have several messages. Aw, let's see, that company running the bike tour in South Carolina says no singles. Uh, your credit card called; they want to make sure you're the one buying cream soda in bulk.

Jack: Ongoing train wreck aside, I love this idea; it's great synergy. By putting a TV actress into the movie world we can promote both. It's like how we're including a Heroes DVD with every missile system we sell.

Jenna: Drug him? Liz, no. Having been on both sides of that, I could tell you it's not a good idea.

Liz: No, I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome to the building party for him but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say "oh it's the wrong night" and then he'll laugh and say one glass couldn't hurt and then I will put my mouth on his mouth!

Jack: Look, you should know that I'm doing this for a woman. [shows Hector a picture of Elisa] This woman.

Hector Moreda: Wow. I am super-gay and I would totally switch for her.

Jack: She's amazing, but her grandmother hates me because she hates the Generalissimo, so he's gotta go.

Hector Moreda: [chuckles] El Generalissimo doesn't have to die to clear the way to the abuela. Not if the abuela comes to love him.

Jack: But that's impossible.

Hector Moreda: Seduction is never impossible for El Generalissimo. I will become everything that old Hispanic women desire. I will make her love me.

Jack: [scoffs] You crimson guys never miss a chance, do you? You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident. [jump cut] ...I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition.[jump cut] and... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. [sighs] It feels good to say that out loud actually. That one was weighing on me.

Priest: Wow! I, uh, I don't know what to say.

Jack: I don't want you to say anything. I thought I'd made that perfectly clear.

Priest: Then... what brought you here tonight?

Jack: What brought me here tonight? What brings anyone anywhere? Why do men build bridges, why are there jets? I was hoping to have sex tonight. [glances at the priest] Have you ever made love to a woman, Father?

Priest: [weakly] Come on, man...

Elisa: How dare you say such things so close to the statue of Santa Lucia, patron saint of judgmental statues!

Jack: I also would have accepted "You can't prove that's the governor's semen."

Jack: Lemon - there was once a great American named George Henderson. He met a woodland ape, or sasquatch, and, despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became his friend. When the time came to do the hard thing and send it back into the forest where it belonged, and birds could perch on its shoulder because it was gentle, George Henderson summoned the strength and by God he did it! Did it hurt? You bet it hurt. Like a bastard. But he did it because it was the right thing to do. For the woodland ape. You think about that.

Jack: I've spent the better part of the last 3 years developing a portable, miniature microwave oven. Most of that time has been spent coming up with a hip, edgy name for the product, something that will appeal to the marketing Holy Trinity - college students, the morbidly obese, and homosexuals.

Jack: Alright everyone, it's back to the drawing board. Legal rejected all of our ideas - every one of the names we came up with was offensive in some language, including English, Frank.

Kenneth: Mr. Donaghy, I know you said only interrupt you if was very important, but Tishonda from Time Warner Cable is on the phone, and she's offering three free months of Showtime, but we have to act now!

Jenna: Kenneth, you know how you told Tracy not to go into your bedroom? Well, naturally we assumed you were a serial killer, and as you can imagine, your bird is dead.

Jack: I don't know, but I have the entire liberal media establishment at my disposal. The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama, and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina. I'm going to use that to find my Dad a kidney.

Jack: Well, musicians have banded together before to solve all kinds of problems: world hunger, the collapse of the American farm, global warming. And, uh, you're 0 for 3, guys.

Liz: Alright, Cheesy Blasters! [sings] You take a hotdog, stuff it with some jack cheese, fold it in a pizza - You got Cheesy Blasters! [spoken] And then all the kids say "Thanks, Meat Cat!" and Meat Cat flies away on his, um, skate board.

Liz: I did Big Sister in college. That little girl taught me how to use tampons.

Tracy: A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory.

Jack: Lemon, let me tell you a little story. It was 1994, and I was ice climbing when I fell into a crevasse and hurt my leg. There was only one way out, so fighting every natural instinct I have, I did the thing I hated the most. I climbed down into the darkness. And when I came back to camp, I went to the person who cut my line and said, "Connie Chung, you saved my life."

Liz: Really - you want to exchange creative gifts? Oh, well, you are the one that's in trouble now, buddy, because creativity to me is just like... like a... bird, like a friendly bird, that embraces all... ideas, and just like, shoots... out of its eyes, all kinds of beauty.

Liz: Just embrace the fact that you are lucky enough to be a happily married man. I mean, I'm actually jealous of you. You've got stability, a great marriage, devoted kids. You know what I have? A Sims family that keeps getting murdered.

Wesley: So does this mean you've come to your senses? Are you ready to settle, and become Mrs. Snipes?

Liz: No. I wanted to tell you to your face that I know that I can do better than you. And I'm never going to be Mrs. Snipes. [beat] Hang on, is your name Wesley Snipes? That is insane.

Wesley: [annoyed] It's insane that the actor Wesley Snipes has that name! Look. If you saw a picture of him, and a picture of me, and you were asked "Who should be named *Wesley* *Snipes*?" You'd pick the pale Englishman every time! Every time, Liz!

Tracy: I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy’s. The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor - generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo... they were very drunk.

Wesley: I don't want to go back to England. I can't suffer through the London Olympics — we're not prepared, Liz. Did you see the Beijing Opening Ceremonies? We don't have control over our people like that!

Jenna: I'm gonna to have to reinvent you. Break you down completely, and build you up from scratch. Just like Mickey Rourke did to me sexually.

Regina Bookman: The FUTURE. And AMERICA. Now I may have lost my train of thought SEVERAL minutes ago, but if I continue to TALK LIKE THIS, no one will NOTICE, and when I STOP, you will APPLAUD my ENERGY! Thank you!

Jack: Diversity is the engine that drives this country. We are an immigrant nation! The first generation works their fingers to the bone making things, the next generation goes to college and innovates new ideas, the third generation... snowboards and takes improv classes.

Jenna: Relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you’re not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something’s wrong.

Jack: Lemon, I want you to get better because, and I mean this, I’m tired of talking this much to a woman I’m not having sex with.

Jack: I believe that when you have a problem, you talk it over with your priest, or your tailor, or the mute elevator porter at your men's club, and you take that problem and crush it with your mind vise. But for lesser beings like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help.

Liz: Well, I've been to a rodeo too. It was a cat rodeo, in a gay guy's apartment.

Liz (on TV): My husband and I are absolutely so pleased to be underwriting the Jack and Elizabeth Donaghy High School for Teen Drama, the Arts, and Feelings. As embarrassed Americans, Jack and I pledge 5 million dollars to create a new generation of choreographers and puppeteers, clowns, video artists, and theatrical jugglers who will ask the world: what is art?

Jack (to TV): We know what art is: it's paintings of horses!

Liz: See, this is exactly the kind of thing that happens when there's no order, no planning. Hitler and Martha Stewart would've hated that wedding.

Liz: For instance, Jack taught me not to wear tan slacks with a tan turtleneck. I thought it looked nice, but he, rightly, pointed out that it made me look like a giant condom.

Jenna: Am I trying to instigate fights by throwing wine at people just to get on camera, and maybe also promote my new lifestyle website, Jennas-Side.com? Of course not. I mean, is wine-throwing something that even gets you on a reality show?

Angie: D'Fwan, glue in the business weave.

Angie: As you know, my single, "My Single Is Dropping," is dropping.

Jack: I only pass gas once a year, for an hour, atop a mountain in Switzerland.

Jack: There is nothing gay about the Princeton fight song. "Oh, the men of Princeton are charging up the rear, holding all the balls..." Okay, I hear it now.

Jack: This is a sign. The lower classes are getting cranky about the rich earning all of their money away from them. Can't they see this is in their best interest? How could we pay their salaries without using their money? We're on the verge of a class war.

Jack: You have no interest in helping me. You’re one of them. What do you make, five figures?

Jack: And the police have no interest in helping me either – despite the hundreds of dollars a year I pay in taxes!

Paul: Yawns are contagious. Like all the Thai STDs my penis is about to give you.

Jack: Liddy is at a baby leadership conference this week. The timing is perfect.

Tracy: I know what you're doing. The first time I got mugged I didn't leave my room for a week. I hid. But not in a tuxedo. All I had was a Chewbacca costume made out of used hair extensions. It made me feel invincible. Like someone who wouldn't get scared and freeze up when they got mugged.

Young Tracy: Perfectly executed Chewbacca sound!

Kenneth: Miss Lemon, are you okay? Aw! You smell like when the Stone Mountain tire fire joined up with the corpse fire, and then swept through the downtown manure district. It was our fault for letting those high schoolers dance at their prom.

Liz: 'Cause living a lie will eat you up inside. Like that parasite I got from eating sushi on Amtrak.

Tracy: Wow, Jay Mo. You sound like a cop. And I should know. My uncle was a cop. In a porno.

Jenna: Tracy, every blond actress in the business has done a pilot about a tough but pretty lady cop with special abilities. Mine was called Good Looking. I played Alexis Goodlooking, who was also good looking, and my special ability was being good at looking for clues.

Lynn: Ma'am, I am in a Mexican prison gang. You kill me, Los Tiburones will greenlight a 187 on you, and you don't want that kind of heat.

Tracy: This is probably some Hollywood prank. Like on the set of Ocean's 12 when I put that snake in George Clooney's bed. I was not in the movie.

Hazel: I'm not about to screw this up, Kenneth. 'Cause I'd get kicked out of show business, and then how would I be famous? By starting a fire and then rescuing everyone from it, and then I'm a hero, and then I'm in Playboy?