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While I was going to work this morning I passed XAP driving in his car. There was no interaction or anything and I don't even know that he saw me, since I have a new car.

I called my BH when I had a chance and told him that I had seen XAP. I thought I should tell him because I wanted to be honest and didnt want to hide anything from him.

But now I am worried that telling him ruined his day, and if that hurt him unnecessarily. What have other WS done when/ if they have seen their XAPs?

BS please feel free to respond also!

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 993 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts

heforgotme♀ 38391Member # 38391

Posted: 11:41 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

I think it was entirely appropriate for you to tell him.

No more secrets.

Good job.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1101 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL

bionicgal♀ 39803Member # 39803

Posted: 11:45 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

Happened yesterday to my H . . .

One of the first things our MC told him was that if he even sat at the same stoplight with the AP he'd better disclose it, as chances are someone will see them, tell me, and it will be misinterpreted. Good work!

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2424 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA

rachelc♀ 30314Member # 30314

Posted: 11:53 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

it may be difficult but at the end of the day, you came to him with something uncomfortable. This BUILDS trust, if only more waywards would see it this way.

We have this understanding as well. I'm pretty sure he's seen either one of his OW and not told me. Why ruin my day? Doesn't understand why I need to know.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Take action to change what needs changing. Take action to respond to your situation. Let the discouragement take ca

Posts: 6414 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest

veronique12♀ 42185Member # 42185

Posted: 12:32 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

Absolutely the right thing to do. That was a terrific opportunity to help build trust.

If FWH saw the AP and kept that information to himself, I would have been really hurt and felt like trust was broken.

I think you did the right thing.

"All the wars, all the hatred, all the ignorance in the world come out of being so invested in our opinions. And at bottom, those opinions are merely our efforts to escape the underlying uneasiness of being human. - Pema Chodron

Posts: 20914 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California

ReunitePangea♂ 37529Member # 37529

Posted: 1:07 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

But now I am worried that telling him ruined his day, and if that hurt him unnecessarily. What have other WS done when/ if they have seen their XAPs?

As a BS, sure I wish my WW would not have to driven past AP but I fully would understand if it happened it happened and would be glad she told me. By telling me, she would have earned another trust coin in the piggy bank.

I really think that as hard as it was to hear that from you, the fact that you were willing to share it, knowing that it would hurt, and knowing that you would probably not have known any other way, this was the bravest act and should help your spouse begin to believe that you are serious about healing your marriage.

it may be difficult but at the end of the day, you came to him with something uncomfortable. This BUILDS trust, if only more waywards would see it this way.

^^^^^This. As a BH whose sbxww worked with her AP, I wanted her to tell me every time she saw him. She never did. Yes we may get upset but every single time you come back and tell us it does build a little trust.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1990 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA

NoGoodUsername♂ 40181Member # 40181

Posted: 3:21 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

Better to over-communicate than to get in the habit of hiding things. Hell, last week, I told my BW why I moved the car during the day.

If I had actually driven past my AP, you better believe I would be on the phone to my wife.

Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2013

rachelc♀ 30314Member # 30314

Posted: 3:53 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

it would actually be a dealbreaker to me if I found out he saw one and didn't tell me. It would prove that he still can't come to me with that information and is conflict avoiding. thus, not a safe partner for me.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Take action to change what needs changing. Take action to respond to your situation. Let the discouragement take ca

Posts: 6414 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest

JustWow♀ 19636Member # 19636

Posted: 4:29 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

Has he asked you to let him know these details? I ask because while an awful lot of us BS's would give a necessary limb to have a WS be willingly open and honest like this, there are those who do not want it. So, what really makes this a good or not-so-good move would be what your H says he wants in these situations.

Maybe ask him ?

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3679 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest

Alyssamd24♀ 39005Member # 39005

Posted: 4:55 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

When I called him to tell him he said he was glad that I had told him and thanked me for doing so.....but I dont know what he thought about the rest of the day, and now he is at work.

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 993 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts

Alyssamd24♀ 39005Member # 39005

Posted: 4:56 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

Sorry.....double posted again

[This message edited by Alyssamd24 at 4:56 PM, April 4th (Friday)]

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 993 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts

JustWow♀ 19636Member # 19636

Posted: 5:06 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

Well, good. So if you are worried that telling him when you did might have made his day more difficult, maybe ask him tonight if he would prefer that you tell him right away, or maybe sit down and tell him after your daughter has gone to bed.....

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3679 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest

Alyssamd24♀ 39005Member # 39005

Posted: 5:11 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

Well unfortunately I will not see him tonight (he works second shift) but I will ask him tomorrow while he is home.

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 993 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts

meplusfour♀ 38958Member # 38958

Posted: 5:43 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

BW here. You did the right thing. By telling him that you saw the XAP, of your own volition, indicates that you have changed and that you are placing a high value on honesty and open communication. If you had not told him, chances are that he never would have known that you saw him. But you told him immediately and that provides reassurance to him.

So tomorrow when you see him after work, tell him that you were worried about him and ask how he is doing. By letting him know that you are aware that this incident may be difficult for him will help him move through this. Be willing to listen to him talk if he likes, or ask if he would like to spend some time together.

BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 417 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada

introspect♀ 34040Member # 34040

Posted: 5:52 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

Totally did the right thing. As others have said, maybe ask him when he'd like you to tell him if it happens again (right away versus when you are home and together). My FWH knew it was vital that I know right away about any encounter, for others, it might be easier to wait. Either way, this sort of openness helps rebuild trust.

Me: BW, 34
Him: WS, 39
D-day June 15, 2011

Posts: 133 | Registered: Nov 2011

rachelc♀ 30314Member # 30314

Posted: 5:56 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

you are placing a high value on honesty and open communication

so true. I've asked my husband for one thing - honesty. Not fidelity - honesty. Because you can't fake that. And it prevents a lot of other issues. and it builds intimacy. And it shows mature emotional health. Integrity - telling the truth, letting go of the outcome.

Way to go, girl.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Take action to change what needs changing. Take action to respond to your situation. Let the discouragement take ca

Posts: 6414 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest

lilflower1000♀ 36634Member # 36634

Posted: 6:01 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014

Alyssa,
What you did was perfect! Do not use the excuse that you will hurt him to lie or hide truths. That's what gets so many WSs into trouble. Unless your BS specifically asks you not to tell, you should tell everything. Every time my WS voluntarily discloses info, it brings me a little closer to trusting him again.
You did the right thing.