Alex Salmond designs assault course to determine Scottish citizenship

Scotland’s First Minister is to unveil an unusual system to determine who would qualify for citizenship of an independent Scotland; a custom designed assault course. Only the hardiest individuals who are able to succeed on the physically demanding challenge would be allowed to remain north of the border and preserve their lands from being confiscated under Salmond’s new regime.

Salmond’s vision of an independent Scotland has been renamed Bannockburn-Bruce-Salmond Land. It is not clear if Salmond himself would brave the course, or if it would even be safe to do so. He announced these plans shortly after stating that nuclear nuclear weapons would be scrapped in an independent BBS Land, before realising he would need to utilise them to remodel Glasgow.

The leader of the ‘Occupy Scotland’ Movement was overjoyed this week when the Edinburgh ‘Yes’ March blended with several hundred unsuspecting tourists on the Royal Mile to form something resembling ‘a force’. One marcher, taking photos, was overheard to say, “Hully up! The Apple Store closes at fwor,” before realising she was not in the queue for the iPhone 5.

The true supporters, numbering well into the teens, pledged their full support for Holyrood’s new assault course, which is to feature a see-saw, the co-operative nature of which had to be explained to Salmond. The total cost of the new venture is unclear but estimates put it at £2.4bn – roughly the cost of further devolution. However, a spokesman made it clear that half the investment would be paid for from the settlement Salmond received for his defamatory likeness to the Michelin Man, while the other half would be subsidised by English taxes.