He's No Einstein

Living with the reality that your child's scholastic success isn't the only arena of accomplishment.

We are often told that we need to be sensitive to the inherent nature of our children. Not all children are going to be scholars. We must respect and encourage them to develop their potential in areas where they will excel, and these areas may not be in the scholastic arena. To try to cram a child into a wedge where they don't belong is destructive, and I understand this intellectually.

However I find it very difficult to tear myself away from the ideology that states that intellectualism is the only attribute that is valued by our society -- both in Judaism and in secularism. What are some practical ways that I can release myself from this destructive way of thinking? CL

Dear reader,

You accurately and articulately identify a most common pitfall in contemporary life -- the disconnect between our heads and our hearts.

In fact, in our daily prayers we quote the biblical verse, "and you shall know this day and bring it back to your heart"(Deut. 4). Our sages explain that "knowing" is virtually meaningless unless that knowledge filters down to and penetrates our hearts. Only then does the knowledge become relevant to our lives. Indeed, only when our heart is engaged can our knowing affect and modify our behavior.

Easier said than done. How do we do this?

Reality checks are critical. At a recent Bat Mitzvah celebration, the aunt of the celebrant, a school teacher addressed the group. In her remarks, she proceeded to subject Elisheva, the Bat Mitzvah girl and the audience to a two-part quiz. The first part consisted of three questions:

1. Who are the last 5 Nobel prize winners?
2. Who received the Academy award for best actress in the last three years?
3. Who were the heads of the State department in the last couple of years?

She turned to the Bat Mitzvah girl and asked how she had fared. Elisheva responded that she couldn't answer any of the questions and would have received an "F".

The second part of the quiz followed:

1. Name three teachers who were kind and attentive to you in a special way.
2. Name three friends that were there for you when you needed to talk, share and commiserate.
3. Name three family members who light up your life by letting you know consistently how much you mean to them.

Again, the aunt turned to Elisheva and asked how she had done. "A+!" was the young lady's reply.

It is the people who reach beyond themselves to notice, care and give to others that really make a difference in our lives.

No one remembered the people who achieved fame, glory and notoriety in our society by virtue of their brains, looks or public acclaim. At the end of the day, it is arguably the people who dedicate their efforts to transcending their own concerns, wants and needs and reach beyond themselves to notice, care and give to others that really touch us and make a difference in our lives.

My dear reader, constantly reminding yourself of this undeniable truth will ultimately help you make a paradigm shift.

REPROGRAMMING

Another fact to consider is that even in terms of "success" as understood by our misguided culture, there is little correlation between those of great intellectual and scholastic achievement and making money. In many instances, those who founded and built huge financial empires had little formal education, and in some cases, could barely sign their names.

Changing our perspective, indeed our very thoughts, is unquestionably hard work. Our biases and long held beliefs are deeply ingrained. We are programmed to a certain way of thinking. Nevertheless, choice is the hallmark of the human being. We are not hopelessly condemned to any pattern of behavior, no matter how deeply rooted. It does, however, require extreme effort to drop negative thoughts and plug in to true reality.

It's important to recognize that our thoughts are merely a product of our own making and have no objective reality or inherent truth. Nonetheless, they take over and become the reality of our life and the context in which we live. Hence, if we so choose, we can deliberately drop the contaminating thought and remarkably, in so doing, we allow for truth and positive energy to flow in its place.

This process requires identifying the destructive thought as something we absolutely refuse to indulge -- then drop it and move on. With practice, this mode of behavior becomes a very effective tool for substituting misguided and toxic perceptions with true clarity.

Needless to say, as the reader has already observed, every child has a uniqueness all their own and every parent's mission should be to create a context that is not only supportive but that celebrates the differences in each of their offspring.

MILK AND HONEY

Erich Fromm wrote an essay in which he espouses the need to raise children not only with "milk," which is representative of basic nourishment that sustains life, but also with "honey" that provides the sweetness of living. A diet of "milk and honey" is the best gift parents can provide for their children.

Honey is articulated in the many ways, verbal and otherwise, that we validate and affirm our children and lets them know that we cherish them for who they are -- that we feel blessed by their presence. Eric Fromm takes God in creation as his reference point. Not only does God create and sustain us in existence but "God saw that it was good." Following the creation of man, the Almighty observed us, His newly created beings, and with great pleasure proclaimed that we were good -- He took delight in what He had brought into being.

Providing ongoing expressions of joy and pleasure is the "honey" that we all so desperately need and is unfortunately so rarely forthcoming.

Similarly, we as parents have the ability not only to create and to sustain, i.e. to feed, clothe and provide shelter and basic needs, but additionally to provide ongoing expressions of joy and pleasure. This is the "honey" that we all so desperately need and is unfortunately so rarely forthcoming.

Fromm concludes that indeed in our walks through life as we meet different people, it is eminently clear and discernable which ones were raised on "milk" alone and which were privileged to have been raised on both "milk and honey."

My dear reader, our sages state that the question of a wise person already comprises half of the answer. The other half is totally doable. Check the following:

When a negative thought arises, identify it as a contaminant, drop it, banish it and move on.

Remind yourself of the people who warmed your heart and made a difference in your life. Acknowledge that the attributes by which they did so had little to do with intellect or scholastic sophistication.

Please note that Betzalel, the architect of the holy sanctuary, is known and lauded in the Torah not for his erudition (though that might have been there as well), but for his inspired artistry. King David, likewise, is appreciated and revered in history for, perhaps more than anything else, the songs and poetry that comprise the beloved, timeless book of Psalms. His poignant and brilliant articulations of both the joys and sorrows of the human condition have been a source of solace and comfort throughout the ages. There are, indeed, many varied and legitimate venues for self expression. King Solomon, the wisest of all men, exhorts us to allow each child to go along his path, the road consistent with who they are, i.e. their particular nature, disposition and talents.

Remember that you are a custodian entrusted with diamonds and your task is to polish each individual and sacred gem so that its inherent unique brilliance will surface and shine.

Finally, pray to God for a bestowal of emotional maturity, intelligence and strength, that will give you the wherewithal to provide for your family not only the "milk" of basic sustenance, but perhaps more significantly, the affirmation of person that is the "honey" of life.

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About the Author

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

Visitor Comments: 17

(17)
Shilah,
March 15, 2006 12:00 AM

do your own best

I think of a woman in my community who is "developmentally disabled", who faithfully comes to every Torah study and Shabbat service & holiday gathering; she's an example to us all, of appreciating any little happiness, and of making every effort that is asked. I think of my best friend's son, who excells in every area there is; he never gives less than 110%, and he astounds his teachers. Neither person would be greeted with joy if they were continually grieving HaShem with wrongdoing & evil attitudes. What did G-d appreciate most about David, "a man after His own heart"? His humility. What did He love about Enoch? that he walked with G-d in loving fellowship. What made Him call Moshe the "friend of God", who spoke with G-d face to face ? Not Moshe's accomplishments -- which were many -- but his humility and his love for G-d. We must be whole persons,complete, doing the best we can with our whole selves -- minds, hearts, souls, bodies -- not merely 'computers with skin' or 'producers of products' .
This will bring such joy to our Creator, it will bubble over into our own hearts. We all have days that are more 'productive' than others, whether we are measuring our school grades or our work or our mitzvot or our housework... the question is, did I do the best I was capable of at the time? if so, that is good; continue doing your best.

(16)
T. Yael,
January 9, 2006 12:00 AM

Reality

Having personally advocated for my child in the yeshiva system in N.Y has been an ongoing challenge. The problem as I see it, is that there are B'H programs for the severely learning challenged but hardly any assistance for the child who has learning issues but can, with the proper guidance (ie. teaching technique, resource rooms that employ special ed. instructors)function in a "regular" class. It is true, my child may not be a "talmid chacham", but his middot and committment to Judaism is inspiring. Now that he is applying to yeshivot in Israel, I pray that he is accepted based on these standards and not solely on academics.

(15)
Anonymous,
January 4, 2006 12:00 AM

To treasure or to measure...

Society measures us and our offspring contantly... exams..competency certificates and diploma,..along with all the measuring of us and our offspring lets do some loving treasuring...

(14)
Joe,
January 4, 2006 12:00 AM

Hmm... I seem to have been flamed.

Dear Sir,

You relly seem to have an axe or two to grind. I'm not certain what smart person bit you in the past that you have such hostility, but I am speaking to the other side of a very real concern that I have from my experience of teaching at University.

The issue is not with being patient. The issue is not with trying one's best to assist hardworking students who have different learning styles.
Certainly, I never ridicule my students.

The issue is with otherwise perfectly capable kids - and worse, parents, who have no idea about the amount of work that it takes to achieve even academic competence.

Perhaps you will not think I am such a jerk, if you share with me the anguish of teaching a college class where the kids:
1. Have difficulty with basic math i.e.
if given y = 2x + 4, they could not tell you that they were looking at the equation of a line, or solve for the y intercept. This is painfull if you are teaching physics.
2. Can not write above a grade school level. I can not tell you how tortured the writing really is.
3. Have such abyssmal knowledge of history that they could not tell you the causes of the U.S. civil war or in one case, who won World War II or who was in it.

The short form is we are graduating kids who are barely competent to work at McDonalds. They do not read. They can not multiply without a calculator. They do not see that there is a point to knowing history. They can not balance a checkbook. They have perhaps heard the word "economics" but could not define it. They have sufficient science knowlegde that they are easy prey for "psychic friends", quack medicine, and a belief that $19.95 is a low, low price.

These little "special snowflakes" do however vote. They do however contribute to a widening spiral of general ignorance and acceptance of stupidity. American networks once competed to present new symphonies. Now we have "fear factor."

It is not that these kids are bad. It is that their parents were ignorant opinionated twits who never saw the value of actually knowing things. The parents passed this remarkable trait to my snowflakes. But Hashem forbid, an educator speak with authority and say that this is wrong and not a way to live one's life.

My complaint is not with the idea of doing one's best to help struggling children. I also have not made any value judgements on anyone's soul.

My complaint is with the
notion that it is O.K. to not try. I am not saying that this article praised that idea. I am concerned that fools will missunderstand and see this as a feel-good excuse to be ignorant.

Mr. Siegel, I'm sorry you think I'm a jerk who does not show up to work or do his job. No doubt you would consider doing research science (for 80+ hrs a week) to not be "real work" like whatever it is you do. I thank Hashem however, that I am in front of classes and not you. I'm one of those crazy idealists who wants kids to actually learn something from his classes.

(13)
C.Siegel,
January 3, 2006 12:00 AM

JOE--THERE ARE LOTS OF "MEDIOCRE" GENIUSES

Joe, you missed the point ENTIRELY. No one is praising laziness or mediocrity.

I stand by my original statement. I want my children to be hard-working, resposible, consistent, and able to work with others. Then they will be successful in my eyes whether they become nuclear scientists or gas station attendents.

On the warm and fuzzy side, feeling of self-acceptance and satisfaction seem linked to competence rather than excellence.

Show up, do your job, and don't act like a jerk.

(12)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2006 12:00 AM

Thank-you for this excellent essay!

(11)
rachel,
January 3, 2006 12:00 AM

stigma

In reply to the mother with kids that feel like failures and can't get into the school/shiur they want; let me inform you that in Israel there have opened up schools and programs in schools to deal with this problem with success. An important point is to help the struggling child as soon as one notices a problem despite the stigma and cost that might be involved. Once a child understands and accepts what his strengths and weaknesses are, and that we beleive in his ability to succeed, he will develop his own coping skills with the correct guidence. Often these kids develop strength of character that enables them to withstand life's trails better than their more scholastic peers.

(10)
victor,
January 2, 2006 12:00 AM

this is invaluable information!

i find your comments and lessons invaluable.though i am not myself a parent,i am making every preparation to be the best for my seed.i cannot quantify the godly training am getting.keep it up

(9)
Robin Adler,
January 2, 2006 12:00 AM

Timing of article was perfect.

My son, age 20, is in Israel on a tsedek mission, helping Ethiopians. I just opened the mail to find the letter from college informing me of his academic probation. He has trouble with academics, always has, but he has a good heart. I worry about his future success, but I know he will always be a giver. G-d grant him happiness and the power to understand his gifts.

(8)
Anonymous,
January 2, 2006 12:00 AM

easy for you to say

I am the mom of kids who have struggled in school and it's very easy to say that "there's more to life" and "build your self esteem with out it" etc. But tell that to the kid who couldn't get into the high school of her choice beacuse of her grades, even with after school programs and tutors. Tell that to the boy who is put in the "lower shiur" because he hasn't learned as many "tosfos" as the other boys. Like it or not, in your school years, success is measured by academic acheivement. Imagine spending your entire day at work feeling like you are a "loser"...no matter how your mommy builds you up when you get home, you still feel like a "loser". It's wonderful that Hashem rewards us for our effort as well as our success, but if you're a salesman and you work 20 hours and don't make the sale, you don't get your commission. Unfortunately, school works the same way. If you find me a school that doesn't, I would like to see it and see how the kids come out. I hate sounding so "jaded", but it's the reality of what the system is like.

(7)
Anonymous,
January 2, 2006 12:00 AM

This essay gets an A+!

This wonderful article really touched home for me. In the Jewish world, where intellect counts for everything, it is hard to have a child who is "just" average. We must remember that we are judged by HaShem not for our IQ, but whether we toiled to reach our full potential. Therefore, a genius who is full of knowlege because it came easily but sat back and took it easy gets less credit than an average person who struggled mightily to advance himself.

I have two daughters, "Sara," who is the "perfect" student, and "Rivka," who is not as bright. However, "Rivka" has many very special middos that make her a delightful person. So imagine my dismay when she came home in tears one day, saying that her teacher, in front of the entire class, said to her with great disdain in her tone, "You are not 'Sara'!" (My answer at the time was something like, "Baruch HaShem you are not Sara! It's so great that each person in our family has so many different talents - like you - you are so good at "x"! Wouldn't it be boring if everyone was the same?")

So, dear educators, while it is tempting to prejudge a child based on having had a sibling in a previous class (and it can go the other way, too - a mischievous child can mean placement of a subsequent child in a "difficult" class, without first knowing what the subsequent child is like), try to withhold judgement and look at each person as the unique creation that they were created to be!

(6)
Chana Sharfstein,
January 1, 2006 12:00 AM

The basic ingredient in child rearing should be to develop a healthy self-image

In order to succeed in life, the focus should be on the emotional health of the child, The EQ rather than the IQ. Every child should be given an ooprtunity to develop emotionally, to feel secure, to have a sense of self- worth. A person who believes in himself will succeed. We are all given varied strengths and weaknesses- the ability to recognize our own individual worth, however, is the essential ingredient for success. In fact, success should not even be a criteria for selfevaluation. One should be accepted and loved just because Hashem made us in His image. Many of the problems in society of all areas of abuse stem from a lack of self worth, a feeling of nothingness. One must distinguish though between false pride and the genuine feeling of being a worthwhile human being with a purpose in life. Individuals who are emotionally secure have the best chance of realizing their potential, and that is what the aim of child rearing and education should be all about. I LOVED watching the recent interviews with the Nobel prize Winner in economics, Dr. Robert Aumann. His pleasant way of speaking, in fact everything about him, was an inspiration. It was obvious that he realized that his success was not just his own achievement- but that Hashem had blessed him with great ability and thus he had succeeded. may we as parents and educators refocus our measure of success by centering on emotional health.

(5)
robin peskin,
January 1, 2006 12:00 AM

I loved this!

I am living in New York and my son is 16 months and surrounded by toys that teach him colors, animals sounds, numbers and words. He doesn't walk yet, but this article puts it in perspective for me. None of this matters and all I can do or anyone else around my son is love him for who he is and pray that he has people in his life who impact it in a postive way.

Thank you!

(4)
C. Siegel,
January 1, 2006 12:00 AM

"SMART" COUNTS FOR LESS THAN YOU THINK

I have met so darned many "bright" and "gifted" people who did little or nothing with their talents, and who were deficient in personal relationships and lousy in the work force. In the real world, what you really need is not necessarily brains, but consistency, responsibility, and the ability to work with others.

Intelligence--and academic success--can be useful, but they do not guarantee a successful or even useful life.

(3)
Marc,
January 1, 2006 12:00 AM

Good lives wasted by only awarding academic success

This article is so crucial.
I am 38 years old and spent my entire public education feeling like a "dummy." Math and science were like a foriegn language and although I did better in English and Socials, my essays and writing left much to be desired.

I remember being at a cousins wedding and hearing his mother tell everyone of his accomplishments. They all revolved around his many degrees and his many years of study at various univerisities. He was lucky and academically very adept. I was not gifted in that way, but because of the importance and status from the perception of being so intelligent, I felt incredibly insecure.

Am I a lesser being because I am not academically proficient? That is the overriding feeling I get.

Thankfully there is starting to be a shift in thinking and maybe someone like myself, will be able to feel successful, and having a C average won't dictate their entire future accomplishments!

(2)
SZ Led,
January 1, 2006 12:00 AM

Bright kids can get burned out and average kids can shine

Is being bright an advantage in life? Is being beautiful better than being homely? Is being physically strong a tremendous gift?
The truth is that they are and to say they are not would not be honest. But they are less important than how a person with these attributes is treated.
A strong person who is overworked will be more tired than one of average strenght who has an appropriate amount of work to do.
A beautiful person who is ridiculed will have a sour face, detracting from the beauty bestowed by Hashem.
A genious who is "forced" to display their abilities will feel no different than a monkey displaying tricks, and equate their abilities with that of a machine to be used for the benefit of others.
It is a person's treatment that determines their EQ and their success, not the traits they are born with.
So never envy people for what they have been given to work with but rather how their life was treated and valued.
It is life itself that has the intrinsic value and an "A" or "F" can neither add or detract from its value.
Nothing can. Life is for living not proving its value.

(1)
Joe,
January 1, 2006 12:00 AM

Great...Let's glorify mediocrity!

I do not want to have any child put down or damaged. I am worried that there is an essential point missing. Even though excellence manifests itself in many ways, and I would rather have a mensch than an Einstien *any day* for a child, I would also rather that my child be a successful mensch.

There is nothing wrong with encouraging your children to strive for excellence in whatever field they shine in. I read replies in which "smart counts for less than you think" and we are treated to a rant against "useless" people of talent who can't make it in the "real" world.

In the real world, I don't want an "o.k." surgeon who is "real nice" but not so bright. I don't want a rabbi who never learned much talmud, because it was tricky, or an engineer who designs the plane I have to fly on, to be forgiven for making a "C" in calculus.

All children must be nurtured according to thier talents. The whole world does not need to study physics to be happy or good. All of this is true. However, all children need to be pushed to do their homework and encouraged to not slack off. Almost everyone who is successful at science or medicine or law had parents who told them they need to work hard.

As someone who teaches at the university level, I have seen too many "winners" and "special snowflakes" who at the age of twenty, can not read a graph, do basic algebra, or understand a complex sentence. While the intent of this article is certainly noble - and I really do agree more than I disapprove, I see too much of a chance for mamby pamby excuses to feel good about sloth and ignorance.

I am sorry, but relativism just doesn't always cut it. Too many of my students would have been better off with a good stiff kick in the pants when they were younger.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...