Funny Answering Machine & Voicemail Messages

In 1935, Willy Müller invented the world's first automatic answering machine. It was a three-foot-tall machine popular with Orthodox Jews who were forbidden to answer the phone on the Sabbath. Then in 1960, the Ansafone, created by inventor Dr. Kazuo Hashimoto (Phonetel), was the first answering machine sold in the USA. In 1971, PhoneMate introduced one of the first commercially viable answering machines, the Model 400. It weighed 10 pounds and held 20 messages on a reel-to-reel tape.

Sadly, most people who use answering machines or voice mail have the standard greeting of, "Hi, this is ____. I'm not here right now. Leave a message and I'll get back to you." Isn't that boring? Wouldn't you rather spice up your greeting with something that will make people smile, laugh or think? The ideas on this page will help you come up with a more creative greeting for your machine. If you think you can do better, then leave your own ideas on the bottom of this page.

Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten

We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!

Like Barney (the purple dinosaur):
I'll call you, cause you called me. We're the ______ family. So leave your
name and number at the tone. Sorry that we're not at home.

Twinkle, Twinkle little star,
bet your wondering where we are?
Well, put your mouth up to the phone
And leave us a message for when we get home.
And if you can make your message rhyme,
We'll call you back in half the time!!!!!

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

Hey, it's ________
Sorry you can't get through
Leave your name and your number
And I'll get back to you

Sorry we're not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard.

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

"Hi, you have reached the Borg collective. Please leave your name and star system and we'll assimilate you as soon as we can."

You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone"

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

Want to hear how vulnerable your answering machine or voicemail is to being hacked? Listen to our hilarious examples of just how easy it is to weasel our way into your private message in the video below.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

To the Batmobile! Let's go! Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed! Roger, ready to move out! (Theme music from Batman; reduce to background.) As you can see, I'm off making Montreal a safer place' to live. So if you'll leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as justice is served. Bye-bye! (Music continues. POW, BIFF.)

You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent.

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. We used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech world and we're in a high-tech business, so we don't call it that any more. We wouldn't even if we could. So leave your message...

(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.

Machine voice: Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.

I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.

Hi. This is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

(From a Japanese fellow in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... really slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished.

I'm not here, so say goodbye, or leave a message, and I'll reply

"Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? you
guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it..."

This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP!

Go away, leave me alone, please leave a message, after the tone BEEP!

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

Already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after and we tell each other everything.
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...

Ask not for whom the bell tolls,

Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called.

Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. We're VERY close Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'.

Can't take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white coats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they still haven't found me! Tee Hee Hee! Leave a message?

C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.

Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.

Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump?

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.

Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back-only that I won't.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

Hello, this is John's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me?

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress.

BEEP Hello, this is WVKE, you're on the air.

Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? (The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants.")

Hello, we are unable to come to the phone right now. Please leave your name and number unless of course you are a salesman or trying to solicit money.

Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we're done shopping.

Hello, you have reached the _______'s residence; we cannot reach the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep. (Then you find something that makes a beeping sound, and make the beep sound, then wait 5 seconds, until they start talking, then make another beep, and do that over and over.)

Hello, you have reached the automated answering service for (your name), your message will be answered to in the order in which it was received, your message is number 8,243, please hold, your message is important to me.

Hello, you've reached 555-1552, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making changes in my life so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're probably one of those changes. (BEEP)

Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this?

Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...

Hi this is ____'s machine. My name is (pause) well that's not important. (Pause) Ya know it gets very lonely being here all day. (Pause) maybe you could stay and talk. (Pause) please talk to me after the beep, please talk to me after the beep ........... BEEP!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi this is Andrew. If you are an ex-girlfriend, suck it up and move on. If not, I do have a life that is obviously being used so leave a message and if I have time, ill try to squeeze you in.

Hi this is Sonny and Attie's machine. Medicare didn't send us enough money this month so we are out robbing the liquor store. If this is the police we are just napping.

hi you've reached the home of (name) also known as 007 agents if you get this machine we are probably saving the world this tape will self destruct in 5...4...3...2...1... (BEEP)

Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.)

Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah that's it.

Hi, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never hurt anyone. Can we talk after the beep?

Hi, I am not here right now, but if you are a friend, leave a message, if you are a creditor you can kiss my (beep)

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Jane and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hi, this is Jackie, it hurts me inside to know I missed your call...OUCH. Leave your painful message after the beep.

Hi, This is Jenny. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out, 2 if you want to apologize for something, 3 if you just called to say I am a princess, and 4 if you are going to say something else.(Will be automatically deleted!) Thanks

Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.

Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine. If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys. If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.)

Hi, this is you know who and I'm not you know where, so please leave a

Hi, you have reached _(phone number)__ you have a chance to win one million dollars if you can answer the following 1. What is your name? 2. What is your phone number? 3. Why did you call this number?

Hi, you have reached Jerry McGuire. Show me the message! Show me the message!

Hi, you know the drill.

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I'll get back to you...

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!

I am not home to talk to you, But please don't be a creep. Just leave your name and number, At the sound of the...

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey-that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

I know you're out there. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world, without you. A world without rules and controls. Without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you

I'm sorry, I've been trying to break the record for "the most calls missed" if its a emergency or your dieing or something, please hold on till the record is broken. And I will call you back.
If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number...

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

If you are hearing this tape, then I'm not here now. Please leave your name, number, D.O.B, address, social security number, age, height, weight, how many children you have, what sex you are, your mother's maiden name, and the date and time when you called me. If you are still listening, then whatever you have to say must be very important. Please leave a message after the beep.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.
I'm sorry; my answering machine is out of order. May I take a message?

I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.

I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
is so much better & that's why they're not here. All I can say is leave me a

Just put on a recording of a busy signal.

Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.

let the machine get it.

like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible .

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.

My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval. Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak, his "Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72."
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color.

Rub-a-dub-dub, Just got in the tub, Rick is out playing; the kids are misbehaving, and can't come to the phone.

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name...

Suicide Hotline...please hold.

Susan and I are not here right now. We're in the bathroom having some fun. She likes it up and down and I like it back and forth. Leave a message at the beep and we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished brushing our teeth. Thank you.

Thank you for calling 555-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... When hell freezes over.

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day.

Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However, if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother...unicorn...computer. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS!

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.

These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.

This answering machine message is for all you psychics out there... (Long silence...) BEEP

This is 321-1234, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.

This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air...

This is Fred. We are not... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing "Vesti la Giubba" and "La Donna e Mobile."

This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is "baby booties."

This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.
to get away from you!"

Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long distance.)

voice synth software, that way, it sounds even more like

WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.

We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually.

Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...

We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got.

Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.

You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we'll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our show.

You have reached 555-1234. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.

You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to

leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers.

None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

You have reached our secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.

you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean,

You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

You've called our number, but we don't care. If we did, we'd be here. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll call u back, when your not home.

You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance.

(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?

(Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:) Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much.

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a message. Thanks a lot.

(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 555-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.

(French monologue in the background:) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".
(From Japanese friend): He-lo! This is Sa-to, If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy" message I call sooner!

(Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:) Hello, Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.

(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.

(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

(In British voice) Hello! I'll be eating lunch on my yacht, but I might be able to clear my schedule if you'd like to do something.... leave me a pleasant message after the beep.

(In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.
(In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky, soft female voice is best:) Hi...

You've just reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell, but when we're done... we'll get back to you in whatever way we can.

(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

(Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. It sounded like good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...)

(Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") "I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home."
(Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.

(Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:) Hello! Due to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

(Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars COULD be yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you!

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

(Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":) Hi, you've reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time.

(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

(Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown residence. You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message. (Angelic "Hallelujah!") Or number two, suffer eternal damnation. (Horrid death scream.) You decide.

(Stoned, slow voice:) Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message.

(Sultry female voice:) Welcome to Susan's Message Parlor of Delights. We would be delighted if you would leave your name, number, and of course a message that doesn't rub us the wrong way...

(Theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in the background:) You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.

(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.) I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor...

(To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message... (To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate music:) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, and if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP

(To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana:) Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home, Leave a message, At the tone. Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us.

(US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.

(With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What?

(With strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.

(Woman, seductively:) Hi, I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to... (Interrupting:) Oh come on Linda, give me the damn phone... (Ask them to leave a message.)

[Classical music in background, slow stoned voice] Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ...

[Deadpan voice] Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

[Drunken voice] You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

[In a bored voice] Heaven, God speaking...

[in a computer generated voice] Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.

[in a computer generated voice] Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.

[Lots of phone pick-up noise] Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number, I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

[Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice] Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.

[Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage-my shoulders really could use it, and... What? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn....

[Star Trek theme in the background] [Voice 1] Room 17, the final frontier. [Voice 2] These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two-semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. [Voice 3] To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

[Very fast] Hi, this is 555-5555. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...

Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

(Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.

(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.

Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.

(Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.

Bridge, Kirk here.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

(Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier. (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.)

(Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ...

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.) Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.

These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!

C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!

Kemosabe no in teepee now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave me a message...leave me a message....etc.

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is BABY BOOTIES.

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!

This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is acetylcholinesterase {or clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...}

[Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage--my shoulders really could use it, and, what? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn....

Using the forms below, you can post your comments about this page or even your own ideas for creative answering machine messages. Please don't post anything below that's already posted above. That'd be pretty pointless, don't you think? If you'd prefer to make a general comment about phonelosers.org, try signing our guestbook instead.

03/12/06 - EricJ2190 from HERE: Hello. You have reached the [LAST NAME] funny farm. We are out-standing in our field right now. Please leave a message after the beep.

03/04/06 - dwong from socal: hi, this is (your name) i don't know where you are, but give me a call when you get a chance. my number is 555.5555

02/24/06 - Funkychild from New York City: Message: Hi, this is ___..and you are..?//You have been automatically entered in our daily jackpot! 1st prize is $1million! AND the 2nd prize winner gets a call back! Good Luck!

02/19/06 - jenna from Oregon: You have reached single hot chick's phone.The only way i might call u back is if u have lot's of cash,a nice car,and a will with my name on it.If u don't apply then too bad. Later!

01/02/06 - Kevin from USA: Here is the best one: Hello we're not home right now... Hello?

11/10/05 - nella from perth, australia: im laughing my arse off at the funny ones and about to puke to the stupid ones.

11/09/05 - matt a from orlando: sorry i can't COME all over the phone right so a message

11/07/05 - fucking waste from of my time: all of you people that posted on here are not funny people, you are all part of the reason that this world sucks in so many ways, I should have punched all of your mothers in their ovaries, right in their fucking baby makers, so i never would have wasted my time reading what you had to say. Goodbye

11/06/05 - Jason from In Front of my PC: CONGRATULATIONS!! You are the ____'s 1 millionth caller and being entered in a drawing for a fabulous girt of a call back! To enter into the contest you must answer the following questions: Your Name, Your Number, and why you called.

11/06/05 - Jake from Oregon: oh, hey whats up?........ Oh hey can you hold on for a min?

11/05/05 - Stan from Canada: The spring has sprung, the grass has ris but no ne knows where stanley is

11/02/05 - Sally from Hamptons: Heres mine: Hello and thank you for calling the confessinal hotline at the moment father durways out but if you would leave your name number and confession we will get back to you as spiritually possible. Remember to leave all your sins in vivid graphic details for our enjoym... I mean so you can help us help you have a blessed day!

10/30/05 - Superfly from around: Hello? (pause for a second)... Oh hey, how are ya? *Beep*

10/11/05 - Danielle from Makcinac Island MI: Well im not going to tell you my name, since you called me, and im not going to tell u to leave a message and all that, since u should know to do that. Im also not going to say ill call u back, because maybe i wont. So just do what u please. good-bye

10/06/05 - Some HIPPIE from Wangsville: I'm probably in jail again so can you come bail me out before you leave your stupid message you duechbag

09/24/05 - kirsten from the Big MD: Hey can you hold on for a min.? (make noice in background like yelling or something) h/o i will be there in one sec.....(more yelling make a noice like you put down your phone).......beep

09/23/05 - amy from CT: Hey this is _______. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm doing something I really enjoy. I like to do it up and down, and I like to do it left to right really slowly. So leave a message, and when I'm done brushing my teeth I'll get back to you.

09/20/05 - Farthead from Iraq: (sound like a asshole) why are you calling me... something's just shouldn't happend and you were one of them! dont call me back, and do the world a favor and kill yourself... (Nice voice)oh hello this is john im not in so leave a message and have a great day, bye

09/12/05 - shem from antigua: good stuff

09/08/05 - MIB from Area 51: Yeah I'm out redboxing some long distant call so leave your message after the 2600hz tone and I'll beige box and third party bill the call when I get back to you.

09/07/05 - DeAnna from New York: Hello.......Oh I knew you were gonna call......(hahaha)....Na im kidding i cant come to the phone right now so leave your message and i'll get back to you when i feel like it

09/05/05 - jamie from sioux falls, SD: you have reached _______'s Voice mailbox my cell phone company charges me money for all these messages you leave me so I'm now charging you so please leave you'r credit card #, name, and experation date after the beep.

09/04/05 - Joe from USA: hey let's see how well the FCC does at bleeping out swear words leave a messege or kiss my A

08/28/05 - Linda from From Maine: Hi You have very bad luck because we arent in right now...I would also like to inform you that I have wondeful news..I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to geico...

08/24/05 - moomoo from ummm....: (like a cheerleader) awesome, like wow, like we are not here right now! so leave a message at the tone and we'll get back to you! WOO!

08/23/05 - ~Rai Rai~ from Cali: (in Kip from Napolean Dynamite voice and song at end of movie) Id love to talk to you, but I have got some work to do, so leave your name and number too, and Ill call back soon

08/20/05 - can't tell from sk: I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...

08/10/05 - Bella from : Leave a message or don't, its up to you. Just don't blow up my phone because i didn't answer. If i didn't want to talk to you the first time I won't want to the tenth.

08/10/05 - Bella from Paradise: Sorry I can't answer take your call right now. I am laying on the beach, drinking mojitos and getting a rub down by a sexy brazillian boy.....just hang up cause i'm not gonna call you back...would you call me?

08/09/05 - Kelsey from Indy: (in a wild retarded voice) HIIII THIS IS SAM!!!!!!!! HOW ARE YOU??? IM NOT HOME.... O SHOOT.....beep

08/02/05 - Jim from Ovid, N.Y.: "If you're a Telemarketer, I'm not interested. And if this the Psychic Hotline, you should already know. -"BEEP"-

07/30/05 - Vinyl Beryl from Porpoise Bay, Antarctica: I'm in the middle of the Arctic Ocean getting frozen, the last thing I want to listen to are a bunch of asseholes who can't hurry the fujck up and leave a message

07/30/05 - Ray Taylor from Greenland: Mate you've reached the Taylor's silent number, leave a message you wanker and I'll decide if I should pick up.....

07/24/05 - I am from where you are from!: Arrr... Ye be reachin' __________. We all be on the poop deck, so leave a message afterrrr the Arrrrr or ye be walkin' the plank. Arrrgh.

07/21/05 - Angel from Canada: awesome site guys keep up the good work hope to see new message soon, thumbs up

07/19/05 - Ashley from Florida: Hey if u are the person that keeps ringing my phone and leaving annoying voice messages then stop!

07/06/05 - D-Unit from DETROIT, MICHIGAN: I know you can rap, I know you can spit. But if you think you cant, dont tell me that shit. leave one on my phone, you know what to say. I will call you back, Probly later today. And if you can make, your little message rhyme, Ill call you back, In half of the time.

06/19/05 - trevor from minnesota: (you need to have3 or 4 ppl in your family to do this one) hello (person #1) is at first, (person #2) is at second, (person #3) is at short stop, and (person #4) is at 3rd. But no one is at home. so leave a message (or if you have just 3 ppl, you can exclude shortstop and just go 1st 2nd and 3rd)

06/10/05 - pillowcase from snorezville, napland: Hello, you have reached the Cedar Hills Retirement Center. We can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a....uh...poin-...no...men-...no...mess-...no...after the, uh.....tweet-...no...bean-...no....leave a uh, after the uh,...have a nice....yester-...no....tomorr-...no....leave a uh, after the uh, have a nice, ......good bye.

06/07/05 - No one from Nowhersville: Hello..? Hello..!? HELLO!?? hehe... just kidding! im not here right now but if you'll leave a message after tyhe beep ill get back to ya.... beep. haha just kidding that wasnt the real beep, heres the REAL beep... beep.... HAHA i got you again! haha, this is the real beep! ... why dont you trust me? i swear the real beep is coming! GOSH!... beep. =D

06/02/05 - GOD from HEAVEN: People keep calling my prayer phone give me a message that will make them STOP calling

06/02/05 - maddie from philly: hi, you reach ______ anserwing mechine he/she is not here, so leave a messege at the beep.....BUT if you hot and i mean HOTgive me a call at (your number)

04/29/05 - lyndz from ohio: hey this is ___. I can't get to my phone right now or maybe i'm screening my calls, b/c you creep me out! Leave me a message and if your lucky i will get back to you!

04/28/05 - kimery from florida: this is kimery ,and if you have reached this message apparently i'm unavailable,you see! i made some changes in my life and by any chance i don't return your call your one of those changes,have a blessed day ,bye

04/27/05 - BlackPlague from Earth: Hello? wait a few seconds.... HEY!!! Haven't heard from you in a long time!.... how ya been? good good same here..... hey listen sorry to talk while you are..... but im away so leave a message k bye.

04/25/05 - Lucy from Brooklyn, NY: Hi I'm not here so leave a message cause that's what it's there for!!!

04/25/05 - Dplm from Ontario: Hey there, this is u know , so leave the know what at the u know when..Talk to ya later

04/23/05 - People with nothing better to do from home: Hi you've reached Jim and Susy...sorry were not here right now(in the backround-let me out of here) so if you'll leave you name and number will try to get back to you as soon as possible(in backround LET ME GO!!! *scream*) Thanks and have a super spiffy day

04/22/05 - Noone from united states: hey, yo, my name is jo and i play mo on the telletubbie show so leave your name, number, and a message after the beep and i'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanxs!

04/21/05 - RedDiamond from Florida: Wassup this the one and only _____ dont mean to be rude but if you know i dont like you just hang up but if you cool with me leave a message but i will still have to think about calling you back

04/16/05 - Ryan from St. Liouis, MO,USA: This is Ryan. Not at the phone. Leave a message. After the tone

04/05/05 - Brady from Wisconsin: Me and _____ (your girlfriend) can't get to the phone right now CAUSE WERE DOING IT

03/25/05 - Tammi from Florida: Hey..can't come to the phone right now, im in the shower...ass nakid with hott...steamy water dripping down my body as i rub soap all over my *BEEP*

03/18/05 - girl from england: Hi you've reached my phone. You know what, what's the fucking point? You know what to do, uness your fucking stupid. Why am I even recording this? There's no point! I could be doing something important. But noooo! You know what, whoever the hell you are you mght as well hang up because I'm gonna ramble a lot. I may even cry. *whimpering* see? Now I'm crying. It's just too much pressure. What the hell am I supposed to say? I mean oh my god. This is just too much. I'm gonna go take a bubble bath.

02/26/05 - Terra Dickoff from Blueballs, Ainus: if you would like to suck my tiny balls call 970-333-1576

02/06/05 - david from new york: hello, a watsup, hold a sec ,______ you have a phone call (in the backround )tell him to call me back, hello, ye he cant speak to you bye (click)

02/03/05 - Pink Condomz from Midwest: you've reached _______ but this is her boyfriend _________ if you are a guy you may want to hang up now if you hear sirens in 5 minutes u probably should run.. beep.

01/31/05 - Ben Dover from walla walla washington: Hi im not here right now, i mean im here now but imrecording so i might not be here later, i mean now but later, like after i record the message, i mean im recording the message now but after its recorded you might call, i mean if your calling now then i already recorded the...beep!

01/22/05 - Hash from niggertown: This site is like not so cool cant you think of something els to take up space on the net for fuck sakes

01/21/05 - Cyndi from PA: This site SUCKS

01/21/05 - becca has big boobies from dc.: (in a chinese voice)helo? this is chi-yahngs chin-e food. we not at tde tele. but do you wan won-ton foo? we got wonton chi-keen, won ton pork. and righ now, won tu fuc yue. so, lea a messeg and we deliver straigt to you pants.

01/20/05 - wynand from south africa: mmmm just testing

01/19/05 - BRITT N CASS from THE INTERNET: GOD MAD MUD GOD MADE DIRT GOD MADE BOYS SO I KIN FLIRT!!!SO IF UR A GUY THEN how bout you c me tonigh AROUNDE FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1LUV YA YALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

01/19/05 - Emily from Florida: not funny!

01/18/05 - tom from australia: shutup

01/18/05 - SAM! from gold coast, australia: twinkle twinkle little star, i bet your wondering where we are, so put your mouth up to the phone and leave a message for when we get home, and if you can make your message rhyme, we can do it in half the time

01/18/05 - brittany from a house: hey im obvisly not here right now or maybe im just screening you call... so leave me a message and mabye just maybe ill get back to you

01/17/05 - FLOWER from TEXAS: YOU GOT ME, NOW I WANT YOU.........TO LEAVE A MESSAGE

01/16/05 - Hrejtpoje from Outer Space: Hey wanna find out if we really like talking to you then leave a message and you'll find out if we call you back.

01/16/05 - Mandi from UR Floor: Sorry we're not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard.

01/16/05 - Mandi from UR Bed: Ohh..Yess..Baby That's soo GREAT..please don't stop..oh is this thing on well Hey we are kind of busy right now doing taxes so leave a message and when we are done washing dishes we'll call you back.

01/16/05 - Mandi from UR Room: Roses are red, violets are blue,Sugar is sweet, and so are youThe roses have wilted, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head,The roses stink, sorta like sheep But leave your name, number, and message after the beep The roses are molding, the violets are rotten And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten.

01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, If you're a bill collector we sent the money, if you're a telemarketer this call is gonna cost you money, if you're our parents send some moeny, if you're our friends you owe us money, if you are a man you'll supply the money...

01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, You've reached Victoria Secret's Thong Salon. No one is avaliable to take your call, so leave a message, don't make it long, and we'll call you back when you buy a thong! However if you are one of the many guys that's looking for a PlayGirl job slip in to something comfortable and come on over.

01/15/05 - terry from bat cave: how are you

01/14/05 - brittany from humble: Hey its _____. are you sure I told you to call....Who are u again...wait...arent you the one that...well..(mad voice) NEVERMIND JUST LEAVE A DAMN MESSAGE (mummbling ) Beep

01/13/05 - nadine v,21 from melbourne-australia: there's a priest staying over,leave a message as i don't want him to hear me swear to yoi infront of him!

01/12/05 - david from ohio: this is___, sorry i missed your call, but you won't miss me because nobody cares about me, which is why I'm comitting suicide right now. There's no point in leaving a message since by now I'm probably dead. See Ya in Hell!

01/07/05 - Matt from Mass.: You must be this tall to leave a message.

01/05/05 - Jenna Armoska from Rock Falls, IL: Hello...? Hello...? I'm just kidding! This is ____ I can't come to phone right now... but if u think you're important enough to call back.. then leave a message.. if not then don't call again.

01/04/05 - ERIN from CANADA: Hi, you've reached the sucide hotline, please hold on the line and I'll get some one for you!

01/02/05 - sexylady from sumwhere: im having sex call me back when me n you are done.

01/02/05 - ashton from ohio: buddy the elf whats your favorite color?

01/01/05 - Meg from IA,USA: hello... sorry i didn't call you but i have anal glaucoma...so i just can't SEE MY ASS calling you back!

01/01/05 - Jade from Salt Lake: Hi I love you! leave a messege!

12/31/04 - Ellissa from Washington: hey im not here if u don't leave a message then u r stupid bc u called for somethin so say wat u wanted and i'll act like i care, bi

12/30/04 - Anna from VA: Hey, this is ______, I am out making changes in my life so if I don't call you back, you're on of those changes.

12/30/04 - Daniel from Texas: (Similar to one below, but more refined) "Hey, this is Dan. Leave your name, phone #, address, Social Security #, Credit Card #, and the expiration date. I'll get back to you if I need anything else."

12/30/04 - Bel from Laredo, Texas: Hello this is my answering machine. I know you're supposed to leave a message, but I really prefer you don't. I'll just get back to you when I can. The truth is I just don't want to hear it. So I'm going to think about callin you back.

12/30/04 - Bel from Laredo, Texas: Hello this is my answering machine. I know you're supposed to leave a message, but I prefer you don't. I

12/29/04 - Lenne from Home: Hello!...Hello!!?...Speak up I cant hear you!!!!?....Busted!! This is an asnwering machine message so leave your message after the tone!!!

12/28/04 - Tiffany from Nacogdoches, TX: This is ______ if you take the time to leave me a message i'll take the time to call you back!

12/28/04 - ME from This world: you have reached______ leave your name, number, address, S.S. #, your credit card number, weight, eye color, height, Sex, date of Birth, and I will get back to you if you answer every one of those questions

12/08/04 - Kati from California: Hello. You're mission, should you choose to accept it, it to leave your name, number, and a brief message after the beep. This recording will self destruct in 3...2...1...POOF!

12/07/04 - Sarah from NJ: hAy Lo this is ulga ____inner beast!! how are u ,, i want u to leave a message after the beep and ___ will get back to u at anytime of the day , ok , ok CHoa

12/02/04 - jamie from earth: I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.!!!!

11/17/04 - the zanie gurl from Alaska: Hello, I am not able to come to the phone right now...well, actually, I'm at the phone...now...recording this message..but you're hearing it later...when I can't be there...but I am here now...oh gosh, this is so confusing...

11/15/04 - Samber from Hell, Mexico: I was just kidding about the hell comment... leave me a message

11/15/04 - Samber from Hell, Mexico: Hey, this is the devil speaking.. GO TO HELL!

11/13/04 - Ashley from Wa, USA: Hi, you've reached___, the greatest psychic in the world. Since I already know who you are and why you've called, at the sound of the beep, you can just hang up. Thank you for calling.

11/12/04 - justin from southern oregon!: im probley here right now but im too busy doin bong hits, eating snacks, and playing video games to answer the phone

11/09/04 - Cassie Kurtz from Traverse City, MI: Hey guys. Leave me a message and i'll leave you with and abstract thought. Is a penguine a bird or a duck?

11/08/04 - Kierin from Canada: Hey. Were not here at the moment, but you know what to do, how to do it, and when to do it... so DO IT!

11/08/04 - kierin from canada: Word up. You've got the machine, you know the routine, so leave a message after the beep!

98 thoughts on “Funny Answering Machine & Voicemail Messages”

Comment navigation

i made this one up (i kind of mixed a few together)
Talk to the cell, cuz itâ€™s all alone, please leave your message after the tone, sorry I missed you, thanks for your time, Iâ€™ll call you back sooner if you make your message rhyme

If it’s Spring we are Spring cleaning.If it’s summer we’re watching the ice cream truck make fat kids run like hell.If it’s Fall we are jumping in leaves.If it’s Winter we are riding down on a broken sleight oh shi..(beep)

Hi. This is Lucy. Well, it’s not actually malerie, becuase I’m not here. if I were here, I’d be picking up the phone, unless I don’t like you. Do I like you? I don’t know, but i’ll figure it out. You just need to leave your full name and why your calling, and after I get this message (I may never get it because I may not like you) I will call you back unless I don’t like you. Oh, if I might do that, I will need your phone number to. And if your a cute guy, I’m not this confusing in real life. Oh well, just leave that info after the ironic little beep that will go off in about five seconds, and if I don’t like you, constantly call me a ninja. That makes me feel better. BEEP!

Hello, you have reached Sarah’s family and we can not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we’re done shopping!!!!!

Hello there I am pretty sure you are calling my from a cell phone to my cell phone so why don’t you just send me a text and quit making your life so complicated!! If not then please keep up with the century!!

I know your out there, I can feel you now.
I know that your afraid, your afraid of us.
Your afraid of change. I dont know the future, I didnt come here to tell you how its going to end. I came here to tell you how its going to begin. I am going to hang up this phone and then I’m going to show these people what you dont want them to see. I’m going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders and bounderies. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.
(The Matrix)

Hi. You have reached my answering machine. If you don’t say it, it will make it up, so please be specific about who you are, why you are calling and how I am supposed to get back to you. Then and only then can I get back to you.

Thank you for calling….All of our residents are busy assisting other bill collectors, telemarketers and various unsolicited telephone calls. However, you’re call is very important to us and will be answered in the order that it was received. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed….If you know the extension of the person you would like to speak with, please dial it now. If you wish to access the resident directory, please press 1 now. If you wish to obtain our address so you can send us a check, please press 2 and leave us a message. If you wish to obtain our address so you can send us a bill, please press 3, do not leave message and hold your breath until someone calls you back. If you wish to borrow money from us, please press 4 and leave a message and we might or might not call you back. If you wish to request free car repairs, computer repairs or moving assistance, please press 5, hang up and try to remember how long it ago it was that you did a favor for us. If you wish to invite us over for dinner, please press 6 and leave a message with the day, time and menu If you wish to threaten, harass or otherwise cause drama or stress for us, please press 7, hang up and lose our freaking number. If you wish to speak with someone about your life and how depressing it is, please press 8, hang up, call the suicide hotline and remember to not burn your bridges next time. If you wish to help us for a change, please press 9 and leave a message….and of course, if you wish to speak to an actual person then please press 0 and hopefully by then we will have had the time to get to the phone….If you do not wish to leave a message, please press star to end this call…If you wish to bypass this greeting, please press pound….thanks for calling and have a great day.

I didn’t see any that I could use! Here are a couple that I composed:
John Wayne: Well you have to leave a message if you want to talk to me pilgrum. and.
I’m away from my desk right now, so leave a pastromy sandwitch on dark rye with mustard and lettuce….beep

Hello and Happy Holiday’s, Thank you for calling the ———-‘s Family Christmas Funds Drive. By continuing to hold for the beep, you are agreeing to sign up for a 1 time pledge of 50.00, we gladly accept PayPal, which will help out our family’s Christmas funds this year. In return, you will receive a beautiful Christmas card as a thank you from our family to yours. After the tone, please leave your name, phone number and a short message. Thank you again for your pledge may your holiday season be Blessed

(in a nasel squeaky voice say) Hello.. My name is Tommy Thumbnail and I leave in this answering machine. There is no one home right now so would you PLEASE (begging) leave a msg. cause it is dark in here and if you leave a msg. a wittle lite will come on and I won’t be scared.. please please leave a msg.

Hello.. please hurry up and leave a msg.. hurry.. my wife is in the bedroom waiting for me.. so hurry.. “Hold on honey, I will be right there.. go ahead and start with me ok”, I will be right there as soon as this idiot leave a msg.. Hurry up.. hurry up.

If anyone wants to make their answering machine musical or funny, I have been making an archive of the old novelty answering machine cassettes of the 80s/90s at http://www.noveltyansweringmachine.com (including Crazy Calls, Rich Little, Looney Tunes, and more!).

Hello, you have reached the Procrastinator’s Anonymous Hotline. We apologize for the late notice, but last month’s Christmas party has been postponed until further notice. And since no one was able to make it to the phone in time, we ask that you leave your name, number and a brief message sometime after the beep. There is no rush. Take your time. Begin whenever you are ready, and we will return your call when we can get around to it. Thank you. ….. Oh yeah, almost forgot to beep.

If this is a girl, I’ll probably just pick up the phone half way through your message so just start after the beep, if it’s my sister, whatever, if it’s my ma, bring the meatloaf, if it’s my best bud, come over for a drink. (Three second pause) can’t wait to have my apartment filled with people for the party, best invitation idea ever!

Hello, this is_____, don’t you just hate it when you call somebody and all you get is their answering machine and by the time their recording finishes, you have forgotten why you even called…leave a name and number after the beep and maybe you will remember the reason for calling me by the time I get back with you….and don’t you just hate it when you get a brain freeze…it happens to the best of us…talk later if I don’t forget

Welcome to the Neurotics’ Help Line. Due to recent events we are experiencing very heavy call volume. Please leave a brief description of your symptoms and we will get back to you in the order of urgency. Thank you!

The demonstrably innocent owner of this phone number has been detained and is requesting contributions towards bale. Sympathetic parties are asked to contact authorities in Buena vista, Mexico. Any help is deeply appreciated. Please send only Yen.

Hi, This is _____’s Cell Phone Message Audition . If you would like to enter your message in our contest with a chance
of becoming our #1 message, simply record your message at the beep. And remember; Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
Thanks and Good Luck!