Life just didn't happen

The only time I can honestly say I was happy was in kindergarten through 2nd grade. Life at that age was all about having fun, it was innocent and without any major pressure of society and people. We had recess, and naptime, and art class, and life was just simple and enjoyable.

From 3rd grade through 12th I have discovered that I don't really have any 'good' memories. I switched schools to a Christian school in 3rd grade and was bullied constantly until 8th. I was brainwashed by Christianity and lived in a state of undeserving guilt and mental turmoil until I forced myself to stop believing in it. I've trusted in God to help me find my way, it didn't work. I still choose to believe in God, but not in the way that THEY believe in it.

I had no real friends in high school, did nothing exciting or interesting, it was just monotony, nothingness, one long flat-line of nonevents.

My memories of high school are all bad. Being rejected by every girl I talked to. Being rejected 3 times for the prom. I didn't go. That really bothers me a lot these days, having 'missed out' on everything.

No friends, no girlfriends, no parties, no events, no fun, no enjoyment, no memories, no future. Just a void.

Now after 2 years of college its been the same, just nothingness.

I missed out on life.

I want to know, does anyone else here feel like they just "missed out", feel like life just "didn't happen" for them like it does for others?

I'm sitting here with a razor in my hand, I've been up all night because I have clinical insomnia(another thing that makes every single night torturous), I really would like to go start a hot bath, sit down in it and proceed to end it all. To finally feel peace, finally feel rest, to just drift off into space; it must be so calming, so relaxing, so amazing. Still, very sad though.

I have always felt like I missed out in life. I was always too quiet and miserable to have any experiences or fun. I did the same things everyday and though it was sad It never hurt me until I got older and looked back on everything I missed.

I have never had any real friends, any real fun, anything worth remembering.... except the bad things, there are no good things. There are no memories I can think about and feel happy, my whole life has been uneventful and I let it be that way. I grew up apathetic and alone. I was surrounded by a lot of people but I never reached out to anyone. I let the days pass by without action.

I regret how I've lived my life, I regret being different, I regret so many things. I know that I could try to make up for all the stuff I missed back then and try them now, but I am still that quiet apathetic child. I never speak up and I don't care. I am sad but I am not strong enough to conquer this suffering. I am not strong enough to fight for my life. If I had to actually try to survive I would already be dead.... I am just a ghost.

If you want the razor to be the way your pain ends then that is your decision. I am not going to make you feel guilty for feeling the way you do or get hypocritical because I feel the same way. All I am going to do is wish you all the best and hope that you do what you think is right and not do anything just because.

If you want to talk about your pain we are always here to listen. :hug: