Thursday, February 10, 2005

After Changes Upon Changes We Are More Or Less The Same

Remember the Bill Cosby Dentist Routine!? ha!
Well I got through the dentist appointment this morning. It was nothing like Bill Cosby's act! I was a bit worked up, so it took lots of extra shots to get the area numb, but it was just like some of you told me it would be - not so bad. I have at least 2 more "sessions" to get through, lots more work but it should get easier. Thanks for listening to me bein askeered and for your words of encouragement. Y'all RAWK!

Some of you commented and some of you emailed me about my previous post about pride/humility. I sure do appreciate that and I just wanted to follow that up with what little more I can say just now.

I took time off work because I didn't want the long drive anymore, and I wanted to be centered here in GR. I thought the time off would allow me time to figure out WHAT to do next. Turns out that came fairly easily. (do do nothing for a while) Who to BE is the more important question and it turns out that I don't know the answer. Me, of course. But who exactly is that? Without self protection, toughness, confidence -- The I can take care of myself, the masks.

I have the luxury of time and relative financial security to let this happen. I have the safety of a supportive husband and friends. I'm pleasantly suprised that I like not working. I can't BELIEVE how much I LOVE not WORKING - at least in the corporate sense. I miss my Melange peeps ::wave::, but I do not miss the actual work.
Did I mention I love not working?
My closet Martha Stewart self is OUT and quite happy being at home a lot.

I've spent plenty of time chasing down WHY I feel and behave and react the ways I do, and I have sought out (and found) much healing and growth and change. This time now is different. This is not the kind of healing that is active. There's not something I need to DO or FIX, I just need to BE.

When I be still enough, when I just BE - My guard be flimsy and my self protection be weak. Suddenly my pride be sticking out all over the place, jagged and awkward. I don't want to appear fragile. Or needy or vulnerable.
But, for now, I am.

So you see, this isn't a bad thing really. I'm not suffering or re-living any trauma. I'm not digging up the past and crying over it. I'm not depressed. I am leaking... I'm draining, so to speak and it's a good thing. Life is good all around that. Amazing Man rocks, and we're having a good life.

I just wanted to blog about what was rolling around in my head. It started with a strange question... but I'll keep you posted.

12 Comments:

Sounds like you're handling being home quite well. I'm home (for now) myself. I was fired a month ago. Long, stupid story, but I came away with my integrity. I LOVE, love, love being at home!! I've never been real career minded. But, we just can't quite do it yet on just my husband's salary. I've been working part time, and will have to get serious about finding a job again soon. But I do undertand how you feel.

Since I'm new, I don't know a lot of people's stories yet. Do you have children?

i'm glad you get to be at home and just BE ... i have that luxury too over the winters ... the best part is the time spent with my husband ... he has so few comfortable days that when i'm at home i actually get to catch a few of them! :o) ... and that's a good thing ...

About Me

"My own movement of thought is not meant to be a straight point-to-point, linear line of march, but a horizontal exploration from one area of interest to another. There is no ultimate destination--no finish line to cross, no final conclusion to be reached. It's the way I feel about dancing--you move around a lot, not to get somewhere, but to be somewhere in time."
Robert Fulghum