Wednesday, May 18, 2011

From the ages of 0 to 22 (when I met my DH and began my life with him), no two years have ever been alike from after age 4. Sometimes we lived on the west coast, a little bit on the east coast, and a couple years in the middle of the country. Sometimes my NM was married. Sometimes we lived in a house vs. an apt. She barely made an income until I was age 11 and then at one point she became very wealthy (her own career/business).

I have a brother two years older, and growing up and we were close. As my NM would tell others (enviously), we were "as thick as thieves". My brother would tell me that we have to stick together. We were close because we had each other during all those years of change. Then, after I got married in my mid-20's our complete different-ness began to show, but the love was always there. I think the biggest bond was knowing we had been through the same family growing up.

We don't talk anymore. Like others I have met through their blogs, there came a point, and for me that was only about two years ago, when my brother (who is bipolar but never maintained a job and has no money for prescription drugs or other help) drew a line in the sand. Looking back he had developed interests in only himself. I became increasingly aware of him using my grandmother, always asking her for $$, being able to live in a rental home she owned and not always paying her, and increasingly speaking to my NM to get her to help him get more $$ from my grandmother and discussing his entitlement he felt he had to a home she owned. This behavior is exactly like my NM.

Finally I told him that I did not agree with his way of thinking. My NM reached out to him and told him she would get him $$. My brother has always been in awe that I have been a responsible, married, working outside the home, mother of three. he says he has no idea how I do it. He also knows that DH and I know all of his episodes of leaving town unannounced to me or anyone, leaving bills behind for innocent families to pay, quitting jobs when he had them less than a year. People always like him. He is smart--he could sell anything. I have always loved him and still do.

Last year he began to repeat words of my NM to me such as, "You don't return calls to your own mother." "You don't drive (you know that 10-hour drive) to visit her with your kids enough." Then when I would call him from the car (my only alone time--it is when I call my best girlfriends), he'd get paranoid and ask why I never called him from home--Did my DH not want me to call him, he'd ask. Absurd. I did not return that call to him. I realize now that my brother is also always about himself. Never asked how I was--just like my NM I could put the phone down and let him go on and on about himself.

And then he rejected me one year ago. He went into a rage that I did not return his call and I think he chose to reject me in lieu of my perceived rejection of him. He left me a screaming vm that I no longer had a brother and then he mailed me a goodbye letter with any photo I'd ever sent to him of my children, and us. He also called my DH a loser. My DH has always been polite to him and would welcome him when through the years my brother would show up with maybe two hours notice to us (except for when he lived in my GM's house for many years, my DH has always been a wanderer).

Sometimes I notice my kids, especially my oldest, resemble him physically, or in his gait, or in his sports interests and it is too bad that my brother is this way and that my kids have one less uncle. I know why he is this way--he had it just as bad as I did growing up and as an adult, being told he is worthless, etc. He was the scapegoat but when I started having kids things shifted and he became golden. As years go on and my GM is getting very old and one day my NM will too, I am sure we will then be forced to talk. I could ask my NM for his phone number...it changes all the time and his jobs and address in different states changes frequently......but right now it is something we don't speak of.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I am a horribly anxious flyer on planes and a comment once made to me by a pilot and therapist on a fear of flying board made me wonder if this fits any of you.

I described that I am very fearful of flying as I imagine all sorts of horrible things. That beeping noise heard over the PA several times a flight? I convince myself it is code from the pilot to the flight attendants of imminent danger. Seeing other planes also flying in the distance? I am convinced that it is too crowded out there and air traffic control is sleeping and planes will get too close. Don't even get me started on turbulence. I've been known to gasp out loud. I once met a pilot at a party and I asked him many questions and I truly felt better after listening to him. This was New Year's Eve 2008 and a couple of weeks later a plane hit birds and had to land in the Hudson. So now I worry about fowl as well as wackadoodle, trouble-causing passengers.

Anyway, I received this response from a therapist:

"We all have some built-in ability to deal with uncertainty. Some of us handle it better than others. We therapists believe it has a lot to do with whether enough feelings of security was built into the relationship between the young child and the caregivers.

Though most of us look back and think of early life as secure, there are major differences which, because we don't have comparative experience, don't recognize. The major difference, we believe, is whether or not the caregivers "tuned in" enough to actually feel what you were feeling. A child who develops in an environment where there is a feeling connection from the caregivers, also feels the connection and develops security.

Fast forward to adulthood. When the feeling connection and the security that comes with it is not solidly established for us, we have anxiety problems. So, we make up for feelings of uncertainty by trying to establish certainty. We use control. We try to take the uncertainty out. Still, we want a way out; an escape route. If we have both control and escape, we feel synthetically secure.

But when flying, these two "security blankets" (control and escape) are taken away. We, thus, are thrown back to only the built in semi-security of early childhood. It isn't enough. We panic."

It is true that I did not have a secure childhood, and it is true that I am anxiety-ridden during a flight. It is true that my DH had a secure childhood and he is so relaxed during a flight that he can sleep the whole time (curses!). But it is also true that I worry about everything. Maybe I would worry about the flight even if I had a more secure childhood? And bummer for me, I have had to fly a lot this past year, with more flights planned this summer. I try to remind myself how every day and night thousands of planes are flying in the skies without incident. But just about every time I fly I'm a wreck on the inside and often my limbs are shaking. However I have to fly about every month for work and I will fly a couple times a year for visiting GM and other events here and there.

What do you think? Do any of you have a correlation between your childhood and flying anxiety? Or do you think it is pretty normal for anyone to imagine a disaster could happen on one's flight.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Last year I had no reason to speak to my NM on Mother's Day and this year I felt that obligation gnawing. Sort of. This year I saw my NM and had a meal or two because I traveled to see my G'ma. My NM acted like it was a regular visit to see her and that because we were talking, superficially, over a meal, that she hoped perhaps we'd pick up like things were a couple years ago in which she'd badger me to call her more often, etc.

But I don't feel the same anymore. Ever since she said horrible things to me and then about me and then never denied when I wrote to her about the lack of respect for me (and gave examples), and her meanness. My heart feels better when we don't talk.

Things in the "material world? have been tough for my NM this past year and I feel she expects me to be a presence in her life to sooth her, admire her, etc.

After I saw her in early April, I wrote about how she left my G'ma in the nursing facility, no one knows when she will be well enough to leave there, and my NM takes off, a few states away, to be in her summer home. She drove two days and made it but I didn't call her.

End of April I got this email:

"How are you? Since we last spoke, I didn't hear from the kids.

Also, I felt bad, I did not hear from you for Easter. Mom"

I did not respond.

As Mother's Day approached I did not feel right sending her a non-heartfelt Mother's Day card and tried for 10 mins in the store to find a suitable one and gave up.

Unfortunately that Fear, Obligation, Guilt was there when I woke up on Mother's Day. After my lunch out with my DH and children, I called her cell #. My choice is that it was easier for me to be superficial on the phone. But her cell # was disconnected. She is in her "summer" home and I called the last # I had for that. Disconnected.

So I emailed her and wished her a Happy Mother's Day and hoped she had had a good day, and mentioned her cell and house phone numbers I had for her were disconnected.

She sent me an email back the day after Mother's Day and mentioned that she thought she had told everyone she planned to disconnect her cell # and that the home number they have had has been the same for two years (I never called that number. I had to rescue my G'ma away from her two summers ago and we only emailed each other). She also stated that she has listed the summer home number in previous cards to the kids (and she provided me with the #s).

She ended her very brief email with this:

"Needless to say, a mother who receives no call or card on Mother's Day feels bad and wonders what she has done to deserve such. Mom"

I relayed this last night to my DH. I mentioned how I have given her details in the past of how she has hurt me. He maintains that she will never get it so why even email her the same feelings again. (I should just write her back and say, "at least you have kept the same email address"). Honestly, my kids are amazed at how many residences she has had in their short lives. They know how often I moved by the time I was their ages.

Just two months ago my NM and I had a sort of honest conversation and I stated how she doesn't even like me. She had no comment. So....why should I be surprised that she acts surprised that I don't go through the motions of calling her. She just wants to be called so that she can chat to me and the kids and act all normal and chooses not to give a damn about why I don't feel like it.

Meanwhile, when I spoke to my G'ma the day before Mother's Day she told me she rec'd our card and she liked it and then she says she "got the most beautiful card she has ever received from her daughter (my NM, the one who had to go a few states away to plant her garden). Sheesh. My older generations are all into the tangible item.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Last year was the first Mother's Day I had after I was able to put an NPD description to my NM. Also, last Mother's Day was one I will always remember for me as feeling the most incredible joy and love from my DH and children. I felt extremely fragile last year and the true love at my house meant even more to me last year than ever.

I was married for many years before DH and I had children. Just about every Mother's Day I would leave my DH alone and travel 3 hours or so to spend a night and be with my NM and many times my brother was there too and we'd take her out to brunch and of course I brought a gift. My NM loved the image of her and us out to brunch. It was always so uncomfortable for me.

Then I became a mother and DH and I have done our own thing on Mother's Day but I would always send a card AND a gift (I have to say I feel fortunate in many ways not living nearby by NM but also feel like it prolonged my realization of how things truly were/are).

Not once in my 14 years of being a mom has my NM ever said Happy Mother's Day to me.

Around 2.5 years ago, after realizing my NM does not think twice to betray me, I have acted more real. But there is still that "higher road" that I feel...still that decency feeling toward another human being. So what I did last year was send her a "To Grandmother" card from the kids. Since the reality is that she doesn't even like me.

Earlier this week I only spent time at one store....but I truly could not even find a suitable card from my kids....other than just picking one that is blank inside. Which I didn't do. BTW, this buying of cards has been a depressing chore for years and years. I usually found one that said "Hope you spend your day doing whatever you love to do" and then she always exclaimed over the pretty purple flowers or whatever.

I saw this one for laughs:

I looked and looked and picked one out for my GM and one easily for my MIL. But I just didn't feel like picking out a blank one or a generic one for my NM.

I thought maybe we would send an e-card so I looked around online today But I don't feel like messing around with signing up for an account. Back to chuckling...check this one out:

We sent my GM a card. I am sure she is not happy that I have not gone back to visit her so that I can bring her some take-out food.......

It is a tough weekend for many people--at whatever stage one is in during this awakening and path.

I fell far from the tree

About Me:

Cast of Characters:

DH: HusbandThe Kids: Our 3 childrenNM: I realized one year ago she was NarcissisticGM: My grandmother--my NM's momBPB: My older brother. We once were close, but no longerFormer Step-Father--Miserable SOB

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind...
--William Wordsworth