LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Dodgers today announced that Carlos Quentin is a total fucking dickface who should crawl back into whatever hole he came from. General Manager Ned Colletti made the announcement.

"Carlos Quentin, who gets hit by more pitches than Don Draper, is a motherfucking assclown," Colletti said. "With all due respect to Vin Scully, what Quentin pulled was pure bullshit. Dude dives at the plate more than Louie Anderson at a Las Vegas buffet. Gotta put on your big-boy pants and learn to take a HBP or two."

Quentin refused to elaborate on what Zack Greinke allegedly said to provoke his attack. Replays showed Greinke had the opportunity to utter two, maybe three syllables before Quentin charged at him like a rhino on a meth bender.

In his eighth year in the majors, the 240-pound Quentin has a history of being a dipshit trigger-happy hothead. In 2008 with the White Sox, he broke his wrist after punching his bat while facing Cliff Lee. Yes, this is a man who attacks his own equipment.

The Padres open a three-game stand at Dodger Stadium on Monday. Quentin has appealed the eight-game suspension handed down by the commissioner's office, meaning he will be eligible to play if the appeal ruling is not handed down this weekend.