There’s a helplessness that we often feel when a loved one is dangerously sick.

Helpless to do anything about an unseen enemy.

Helpless to protect the people we love from the pain they are going through.

Helpless because we’re not the experts who can help.

But I’m not sure if it matches the helplessness we feel when we didn’t know someone we love is sick.

I know we didn’t live close by, but I wish I’d known that you were fighting leukemia.

I could have prayed for you. I could have sent you cards. I could have called if that made sense, or the kids and I could have sent you funny voicemails for you to hear on your own time. I could have sent you care packages. Crocheted you a prayer shawl filled with our love to hold you. In the colors that you love.

And now the helplessness is beyond repair, because you’re no longer here for me to even try.

You may have held back because of my husband’s fight against glioblastoma. You may have thought that I already had enough on my plate to worry about.

But if you did, you were wrong. I’m tired yes. But helping others helps me too. We’re stronger together, not alone. And who can’t pray?

The last show you and I did together, I remember that you were making sure that I got some food to eat. Once you even gave me the rest of your lunch, because you knew I hadn’t eaten. I was so busy trying to both work the show and help promote it.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to do our show again, but it won’t be the same without you.

Jess and I love you. We’ll reach out and stay in touch with your John.

I'm a writer, crochet designer, crochet hook expert and a serial social media consultant. I like useful but not too serious. This theme is reflected in my life, my crochet and my writing. Life's too interesting and short to be uptight. Carpe Equito!

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