The Washington Post reported today that the Chinese may still be Red Communists after all. Plagued by food safety problems and reeling beneath press reports that exposed lax rules resulting in tainted exports (which killed U.S. pets and sickened people in Canada, the U.S. and Latin America) China is solving things by banning the press.

“No news is good news,” said President Hu Jintao. “If our media won’t produce good news they’ll make none at all.”

According to a report circulating among Beijing intellectuals, Li Changchun, China’s senior propaganda official, went to President Hu Jintao recently requesting a ban on the July issue of the magazine Yanhuang Chunqiu.

Changchun said that he was merely seeking to calm things down. “It’s common to ban publications and kill people who get out of line here,” said Changchun. “If we ban the media we won’t have to kill as many people, so what we’re doing here is preserving human life.” Amnesty International agrees.

Amnesty International director Bill Schulz said that the Chinese value human life more than any other culture. “The Red’s have always valued human life,” said Schultz. “That’s why there are so many of them. If the Chinese government really killed off as many people as some claim they have, their population would be smaller. The same is true of the food safety issues. Everything is fine in China. Don’t worry about it.”

An order issued on Monday by the top Chinese propaganda organization said, “News publishing professionals must resolutely instill a Marxist concept of news, maintain party principles, firmly uphold professional ethics and voluntarily commit themselves to upholding the sacred mission and glorious responsibility bestowed on them by the party and the people.”

Apparently “glorious responsibility” means protecting Red China’s Communist Party Officials and anyone responsible for the quality of food and food exports in and from China.

China killed 41 homing pigeons from the U.S. today saying it was risky imports like those that created China’s problems. Liek Skam, China’s export-import official said that China’s recent exports of poison toothpaste and wheat gluten was brought on by the U.S. “I was watching a U.S. import called Baywatch and didn’t see the export problem. Pam Anderson and the U.S. capitalist system caused this food safety breakdown. They should be punished or at least bathe me by hand,” said Skam.