Road Rage Relaxers

When I was 15, I received my learners permit and began my life as a driver. Before then, my only driving experience was in Twisted Metal, where I, as a crazed ice cream truck driver, would crash into motorcyclists (one who was technically already dead) as my clown character giggled like a demonic school girl. I knew not of road rage, as the whole point of that game was to act out the fantasy without ever actually experiencing the emotion that drives (pun intended) you to that fantasy. But out from behind the virtual wheel and on to behind the wheel of my parents’ Dodge Caravan, I fast learned that the desire to run over those who do you wrong is nearly overwhelming. Getting cut off, boxed in, slowed down, and forced out of your lane all cause you to see red, and they happen all too often.

You can’t actually run someone off the road, though. That’s inhumane! Fortunately, there is another way to vent your frustrations: cursing in the privacy of your vehicle. Nothing soothes the soul quite like calling out a cunt-fuck on deaf ears. Sometimes, a simple “You FUCKING piece of SHIT!” does the trick, almost poetic and rhythmic as it flows off your tongue. More often than not, I find the more deranged the insult, the more satisfying the feeling. Over the years, I’ve called out many a road-abuser, and have developed a list of some of my more blood-thirst-quenching curses. So, if ever you find yourself having to maneuver around some guy driving like a schmuck, feel free to use some of the following phrases to help cool your jets:

-DICK FUCK
-I’LL KILL YOU AND YOUR DUMB FACE
-FISTED BLEEDING ASSHOLE
-SHOOT YOURSELF WITH A NERF GUN THAT SHOOTS DICKS DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES AND ASS
-SPANISH CASTLE CUNT BITE
-YOUR MOTHER SHOULD HAVE ABORTED YOU TWICE
-NAZI BALLSACK JAM
-PUT YOUR DICK IN A MEAT GRINDER AND ADD SALT
-TONGUE FUCK TRIPLE BASTARD
-CORPORATE LILY-LIVERED TRASH ASS FUCKTARD
-YOUR PARENTS SHOULD HAVE BEAT YOU FOR FUN
-COCK-SWAGLING TIT LEACH DEMON BUTTHOLE SNIFFER
-FOREIGN-FILM LOVING TRASH FART EATER
-SCRAPE YOUR NIPPLES OFF WITH A RUSTY METAL DILDO THAT’S BEEN BROKEN IN HALF IN YOUR ASSHOLE
-HANG YOURSELF FROM YOUR MOTHER’S PUBES
-GO FUCK DICK CHENEY
-THERE IS NO GOD AND IT’S YOUR FAULT
-I HOPE YOU GET CANCER OF THE LOVED ONES
-I HOPE YOU GET CANCER FROM YOUR LOVED ONES
-GAG ON A MUTANT PORCUPINE’S DICK
-DRIVE THAT SMART CAR INTO YOUR ASS AND THEN UPGRADE TO A CHEVY AVALANCHE
-SIT ON A SHEET OF AIDS RAZORS
-RIP OUT YOUR LOWER INTESTINE AND SUCK IT DOWN LIKE RAMEN NOODLES
-I’LL GAUGE YOUR EYES OUT AND MAKE YOU SMOKE YOUR OWN DICK AND USE YOUR EYEHOLES AS ASHTRAYS
-SUCK DOWN AN ELEPHANT SHART
-I HOPE JULIA CHILD PAN SEARS YOUR NUTS WITH CAROLINA REAPER HOT PEPPERS ON A SKILLET IN HELL

And, of course, you can deliver the always fantastic “sarcastic double-thumbs up”!

So, you know, if you ever have to blow off steam in traffic again, feel free to use some of those fun lil’ guys and calm down into the serene sense of superiority you’re sure to experience shortly after. Happy (after angry) driving!