Paul Heyman’s back, Anger Management Continues on Raw

Looking for respect? In need of anger management? Love watching Alberto Del Rio feud with Sheamus over and over? Well look no further because here is the Raw recap! Raw is in Chicago which means that all the heel work in the world won’t get CM Punk any heat.

This week Raw got started before it even got started, as Jerry Lawler and Punk were fighting backstage before air. They make it look like Punk attacked Lawler, but they don’t really show him being snuck up on. To me it looks like Lawler was going after Punk after Punk beat him senseless after last week’s steel cage match. I’m not biased at all. None of that really matters though. What does matter is that it all means Michael Cole is at the announce table on his own. Fantastic.

The show officially starts with Sheamus coming out to talk about Del Rio (ugh) when CM Punk saves us just seconds in to tell him not to talk to the crowd in his home town. Crowd absolutely loves it. They love him beating up Lawler, and he says the camera’s didn’t show Lawler sneaking up on him from behind (told ya!). He recaps the last couple of weeks and brings up John Cena sticking up for Jerry Lawler which means he’s disrespecting Punk and since he’s champion that means he’s turning his back on the WWE Universe. He even brings up the title streak, and once he starts brining it up I’m led more and more to believe he’s going to lose at Night of Champions.

Sheamus steps in to say he’s the World Heavyweight Champion and stutters his way through talking trash to Punk about being disrespected just now, and Punk tells us what we all already know. Being the World Heavyweight Champion only makes you second best, at best. It’s just funny that they actually said it. Sheamus invites Punk to the ring but Punk says he has no beef with Sheamus, so enter AJ to announce that Punk with face Sheamus later on, with the other main event being between their contenders for their respective titles, John Cena and Alberto Del Rio.

The first match of the night has my boy Dolph Ziggler taking on Randy Orton. Orton beat Ziggler on Smackdown last week and Ziggler asked for a rematch because god forbid Smackdown has a good match that doesn’t get on Raw as well. Orton is hitting his spots but he just looks kinda bored. I feel like he’s still bitter over what happened with his suspension and not being on the card at Summerslam. He always kinda looks bored and stoned though so maybe I’m just jumping to conclusions. Ziggler of course is all energy. I don’t know if he’s on steroids, but the way he jumps around he may be on crack. Ziggler control the middle of the match but Orton counters while Ziggler was going to the top rope and hits a superplex and goes into the Randy Orton series of signature moves. Ziggler lands a leaping DDT to stop the momentum, then a missed fame-asser leads to a missed RKO, and Orton tries to roll up Ziggler but Dolph pulls himself over to cover Randy for the pin. Good match from both despite the sleepy eyes from Orton. If these two don’t get involved in the title match at Night of Champions, they’ll probably face each other instead.

I swear this is a wrestling move

More anger management! The highlight of last week’s show is back for another session, and yes they made anger collages! Daniel Bryan’s collage is all about the YES/NO thing, and is just another excuse for him to yell. Kane’s collage is blank, but then sets a trash can on fire to show how he feels inside. Daniel Bryan calls him a teacher’s pet. Classic. Is it bad that I’m looking forward to these segments more than the matches?

You know how I’ve been saying Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara should become a tag team and add all types of flair to the tag team division? Well my calls have been answered as they are teaming up to go against Cody Rhodes and Tensai. Apparently Cody Rhodes is just as obsessed with Mysterio’s masks as he is Sin Cara’s. He tried pulling off Mysterio’s on Smackdown and Sin Cara came out to stop him. Whatever you gotta do to get them together. We also get a suited up Miz to do commentary with Cole. He takes on the heel announcer role of course and Cole kind of slides into face announcer mode. Meanwhile doctors say Lawler isn’t cleared to return to the booth and won’t return tonight. Meanwhile the match so far is all Rhodes and Tensai beating on Sin Cara. Rhodes gets tossed too far into the wrong corner by Sin Cara and has to back up awkwardly while Mysterio gets tagged in. Not sure who to blame here, but I’m guessing it’s Sin Cara’s fault. Anyway Mysterio gets in the ring and it’s so obvious how much better he is at Sin Cara’s moves than Sin Cara himself. Rey hits a 619 on Tensai (not the legal man) who immediately gets hit with a missile dropkick from Sin Cara afterwards (that’s what I’m talking about!). Rhodes comes in only to get hit with a 619 himself, and Sin Cara hits a flip off the top rope for the win. If they just stick to tag matches it would make for a lot of good moves, and keep Mysterio fresh. He’s having a really hard time staying in the ring so the more rest he can get the better.

Back to anger management! Bryan and Kane chosen to do the trust fall! Bryan falls back and Kane actually catches him! Now it’s Harold’s turn! Neither Bryan or Kane catch him and now they feel like they understand each other! They are going to be a tag team! Exclamation marks!!!!!

Time for the first main event between Punk and Sheamus. Punk comes out in jeans instead of his ring attire and grabs the mic. Punk says a champion versus champion match is a main event match, and Punk is a main even match who shouldn’t be trotted out at the 8:00 hour. Punk says he is going to take a cue from all of the people taking the day off on Labor Day and walks out. AJ tries to stop Punk but he says he has personal days in his contract (unlikely) and that he’s taking one. So now a scrambling AJ gets Jack Swagger to face Sheamus instead. A little bit of a drop off there. Alberto Del Rio joins the announce table. Could this mean the end of Swagger’s losing streak? Del Rio has a headset on but never says anything as Sheamus beats Swagger by submission with a Texas Cloverleaf. Cole says he’s never seen Sheamus use that move but I’m pretty sure he used it in the last month. After the match Del Rio comes in to attach Sheamus, but instead gets hit with white noise while Ricardo jumps into a brogue kick in defense of his boss (good guy). Total waste of a segment as there is nothing to lead anyone to believe Del Rio can possibly beat Sheamus. Stop wasting our time WWE and give us a new match. Ricardo might be dead by the way.

A Divas match happened. Eve beat Kaitlyn but the Miz and Layla arguing was better than anything going on. Miz basically made her look like an idiot. Meanwhile Swagger said he’s leaving for a while to figuring out what’s wrong with him and AJ is freaking out because everyone is leaving her. Brock, Jericho, Punk and now Swagger. That may be the only time Swagger is in a sentence with the other four. This may actually be it for Swagger in the WWE. At least for a while. There isn’t a place for him which is a shame because he’s pretty talented. He just doesn’t have enough personality. He could go to TNA, but he could also go to Florida to regroup and come back as a face. Either way, I hope Swagger comes back somewhere with a push.

More anger management! Bryan offers Kane a rematch whenever he wants, and Kane respectfully says that he’ll take that rematch at an appropriate time and will try not to eviscerate him. Bryan takes offense that Kane thinks he’ll win and it turns into a shouting match before the group therapist freaks out and leaves. I feel like this is the end of anger management. Thank you for everything you have done to make Raw much more watchable over the last two weeks. We now get a chance to decide what will happen between Kane and Bryan via twitter. They will either have a match against each other, join together in a tag match, or hug it out. I know I’ve been saying I want them to be another tag team but hugging it out really seems like the best option and I’m pretty sure that’s going to win out here. Backstage it Alberto Del Rio is now a client of David Otunga, which means either Del Rio is seeking legal counsel, or Otunga is turning into a manager. Del Rio is still choked up about Rodriguez, who still may be dead.

Jinder Mahal still wrestles for a living, and he’s going to face Ryback one on one. There was talk this feud would culminate at a PPV, but thankfully they may get it out of the way now. Cole is really selling the face announcer routine. Miz is talking about how he’d get Ryback into a longer match, to which Cole translates to Miz just running away from him. Doesn’t Cole have undying love for Miz? Miz even asks at one point “Who are you, Cole?” Anyway Ryback won with little difficulty and a mixed reaction from the crowd.

Remember when Fred Durst gave us the finger at Summerslam? Well he collaborated will a bunch of other people on the theme song for Night of Champions. So that isn’t weird at all. Also AJ made the Del Rio/Cena match a falls count anywhere match.

Let’s hug it out, bitch

Anger management payoff time! Daniel Bryan calmly walks out to the ring followed by Kane. What option did the WWE Universe pick for them? Hug it out by 55%! The ref tries to get them to meet in the middle of the ring. Bryan freaks out and starts yelling no, but then he starts to move in and Kane backs out. This goes back and forth for a little too long before they chest bump each other a couple times. This is the start of the third hour by the way. Bryan hugs Kane but Kane doesn’t hug him back, and that makes Daniel angry! Kane’s makeup is smearing all over his face and the Miz is going over the rules of a “hug it out.” Finally they both hug each other and the crowd goes nuts. They start hitting each other on the arm like buds but it turns into a shoving session and eventually into a brawl. Kane chokeslams Bryan and goes the top rope, but as the referees come out to stop him, Bryan hits Kane with a chair and gets away. So basically we’re back where we started.

Antonio Cesaro defends his US Championship against Santino, the man he won it from in the first place. Santino quickly goes for a cobra, but since the sock is so attracted to Aksana, he leaves the sock off and that apparently leaves the cobra strike powerless, because Cesaro brushes the move off like a gust of wind. Cesaro quickly finishes off Santino and hopefully the Milan Miracle doesn’t have any more title shots in the future.

Heath Slater against Zach Ryder next in a crowd killer before the main event. I fear their twitter battle might be better than the match. Miz brings up that Zach Ryder creating the internet championship for himself is no different from Ted Dibiase creating the Million Dollar belt (true but the Million Dollar belt looks way cooler). By the way, Miz and Cole made up to each other during the match as Ryder won (big surprise).

This isn’t weird at all

After the match Vickie Guerrero came out to the ring and demanded that AJ comes out so she can give her a piece of her mind. Since AJ doesn’t come out she pretends that she is in the ring and talks to her anyway. Vickie says she is losing control of the show and needs to leave. AJ, not skipping, finally comes to the ring and says that the board of directors told her she is not allowed to put her hands on any superstars or managers again. This removes the best part about her being GM. She also says she has to apologize to the fans for being immature and does so, but then Vickie says she has to apologize to her specifically for attacking her. To chants of “slap her,” AJ says she’s sorry but Vickie doesn’t think it was convincing and has her do it again before slapping AJ around a couple of times. Since AJ can’t fight back she just takes it, and Vickie skips away laughing. AJ goes completely mental and throws a chair around and basically throws a temper tantrum. Awkward segment that completely lost the crowd at the end.

Main event time. Del Rio comes out noticeably somber without Ricardo Rodriguez, and David Otunga announces (via TOUT of course) that they will seek legal action against Sheamus. I like how Sheamus is the only guy that actually has to face the law while in the ring. Ricardo has gotten destroyed by everybody. Can’t Sakamoto sue Tensai for beating him up every time he loses? Anyway Cena hits a 5 knuckle shuffle but Del Rio gets out of the ring to avoid an AA and turns the tide by throwing Cena into things like stairs and walls. Every move possible gets teased onto the announce table but none of it sticks. Cena throws Del Rio over the ramp near a guy in an awesome Macho Man outfit which gets a “Macho Man” chant from the crowd. Seconds later that guy gets a better shot on air and the crowd goes nuts. Cena, on a set of stairs, goes for an AA onto the table, but Del Rio counters with a side suplex through the table for a two count. Funny how people can use the same finishers to get three counts all the time, but a guy falling through a table or onto steel steps hardly ever finishes a match.

Del Rio gets Cena in the ring and tells the crowd they are all beneath him before going for the cross armbreaker. Cena reverses it into an STF but Alberto gets out of it by hitting him with a microphone (on no! not a mic!). Back outside the ring Del Rio keeps the pressure on Cena. Finally the action goes backstage which just never works for me. Cena hits an AA on a conveniently placed set of boxes, but before he can cover CM Punk comes back and kicks Cena in the head, knocking him out cold (unlike the suplex onto the table). Del Rio covers and gets the three count (with the ref accidentally slapping Punk in the face on one) for the win. Punk then drops Cena on the hood of his car and holds the belt up as the crowd cheers him on. He gets in the passenger’s seat and starts to leave. Guess who is the driver of the car? Paul MOTHER-EFFIN’ Heyman that’s who! This episode of Raw was pretty uneventful, but I think things are about to pick up.