Nurse Jokes

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)

Edit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :)

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

Me: "When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. "

Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”

The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.

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A nurse takes a rectal thermometer out of their pocket and says

“Some asshole’s got my pen”

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A nurse checks her coat pocket...

but instead of finding her pen, finds a rectal thermometer. "Fuck!" she exclaims. "That asshole has my pen!"

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Some nurses notice that when they give a comatose woman a sponge bath, her heart monitor starts beeping more when they wipe between her legs.

Out of ways to bring this woman out of her coma, the nurses decided to ask her husband if he would consider oral sex with his wife to see if that would help bring her out of her coma.

&#x200B;

He was initially hesitant, but they assured him that the curtains would be closed and no ...

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A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

What's the difference between a nurse and a corpse?

None, both of them turn on sick people.

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the fathe...

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"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse...

Nurse: “My phone just died.”

Doctor: “Let’s call it.”

I used to drive my infant daughter (who refused to dribk from a bottle) to the hospital where my wife worked as a nurse so she could breastfeed during her lunch break.

I'm no math major, but I'm pretty sure that means that my wife was nursing².

One of the nurses came over when she saw me crying in the waiting room.

"Sir, I can assure you that she'll be perfectly fine," the nurse replied.

I said, "Exactly."

A man who wants a pretty nurse

must be patient.

A nurse enters a doctor’s office - “Doctor, there’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible. What should I tell him?”

Doctor - “Tell him I can’t see him today.”

What do you call a nurse who cant deliver a baby

A midwife crisis

A doctor and nurse were having an affair

A doctor and nurse were having an affair, and the nurse got pregnant. Being a little large, and not very bright, she didn't realize she was pregnant until she was very far along. In a panic she went to the doctor and said, "What should we do?" The doctor came up with a brilliant plan. A priest ...

After my prostrate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

“Who was that?”

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The Queen of England

The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the ...

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Retired nurse wants to join biker gang

This retired nurse wanted to join a biker gang. It was in the 70’s and times were different. They had to interview her first, to see if she was tough enough. They said that they had to ask her 3 questions. The biker asked her if she drank. She replied “Hell yes I drink! I was at the bar last night...

Two doctors are arguing in a hospital corridor.

The first doctor says “I’m telling you, it’s spelled W-U-M-B”

The second replies, angrily “Of course it isn’t, you fool, it’s W-O-U-M-B!”

A senior nurse, with years of experience, appalled by what she’s hearing, hurries over to put a stop to the shouting match in progress.

“Doc...

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The helping nurse

While riding my bike, to avoid hitting another vehicle, I lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when, a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"As I looked up, I noticed, she wants to help me.. "I'm okay I think,"...

Three nurses working in a morgue....

Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard-on.

The first nurse says, "I can't waste this" and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse says "I'm on my period" but thinks about it and does it too.

Then the man sits up and the nurses ...

Upon leaving the hospital after the birth of my son, a nurse in the elevator commented on him sucking on his mother’s finger, saying “he’s quite the little sucker.”

I responded “There’s one born every minute.” And that, my friends, was my very first Dad joke.

Last week, hubby wanted to spice things up a little, and suggested we play doctors and nurses.....

.... so I strapped him to a trolley, put him in the hallway, and ignored him for 48 hours.

I once knew a Nurse who was really into boating...

... she was always going down on the docs.

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Man in hospital bed wearing an Oxygen mask "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his penis and checks his testicles..she takes a close look and says, "They are fine Sir" Man takes off oxygen mask, smiles and says very very slowly, thanks for that, but listen very carefully,

"Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

Nurse: sorry for the waiting

-no problem I'm patient.

I asked the blonde nurse why she had a red magic marker.

She said it’s easier to draw blood with it.

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A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom.

The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first. A fewminutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in hisarms.

The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!"

To which the Irishman replies, "One of those babies is Je...

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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

A new nurse starts working at the hospital and is assigned to go take the vitals of the patients on the floor.

A second nurse is assigned to follow her to make sure she does it right and to check her work. The new nurse is chatting about how her nursing school is really pushing all kinds of new modern techniques and she can't wait to use them every day.

In the first patient's room, the nurse takes the...

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blod

Nurse to bleeding patient - Don’t worry ......

All bleedings stop....................eventually

‪A doctor says to a nurse,

"Hey, wanna swab spit?"‬

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A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

A woman went into labor and gave birth to her son in a record 2 minutes! Later that day a nurse goes to check on the new mother. She tells the mother congratulations and exclaims "I can't believe how fast he came!"

The mother replies, "Like father like son"

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A tired nurse just finished a double shift.

After 24 straight hours of work she finally gets to go home. As she’s driving she passes a bank. Realizing she has to cash a cheque and it shouldn’t wait she hesitantly turns around and heads back. After waiting in line she finally gets to the teller. She begins to sign the cheque. Nothing. She trie...

How do you tell the difference between a nurse and a lawyer?

By how they pronounce the word invalid.

Nurse comes out of doctor's office

Nurse comes out of doctor's office and says:"Due to new GDPR rules I'm not allowed to call you by names. The patient with syphilis, please come in."

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I replied proudly, "Yes, Steve!" She squealed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"

I walked into a blood bank and asked the nurse for a glass of Hepatitis B.

"Sorry," she said, "is HepC okay?"

What did the nurse tell her patient after he refused to let her mend a cut on his arm?

“Fine, suture self!”

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During my hospital stay a nurse tried taking notes on my chart with her thermometer.

“Great!” She says, “Some dick has my pen!”I told her, “Urethra gonna have to find me a new nurse, or reread the thermometer instructions.”

If you’re trying to meet an attractive nurse

It helps to be patient.

The last will

Joe was on his deathbed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home. He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Simon, I...

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Are My Testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, ...

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New nurse at an elderly care centre: "Hey, I was checking though Bills medication list and got curious, why would a 90 year old man need viagra while staying here alone?"

Nurse 2: "It stops him rolling out of bed."

NSFW Why are nurses bad at giving BJs?

They always wait for the swelling to go down.

Nurse to my dad at the hospital...

... after he was hit by a car on his bike: do you smoke?

Dad, still not sure who the current president is: only when I'm on fire

Nurse: looks to my mom

Mom: no.

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A man summons his nurse in the recovery room

He pulls her close and asks “Are my testicles black?”The nurse, is somewhat taken aback but lifts the bedsheets to check, moves some stuff around and says “No.”

A while later the nurse comes back in and is again asked “can you please check and see if my testicles are black?”Again the ...

Guy goes to hospital and is seen by a nurse

"OK sir, if you could take your underwear off and we will see what the problem is".

The man is hesitant, "don't worry sir, I've been a nurse for 20 years, I've seen it all, I promise not to laugh." She says, reassuringly.

The man drops his undies and holds out his member, it is the sam...

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A woman is in a coma, and the nurse..

... tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman's vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says 'come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.' so the husband hurries dow...

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One last blow job

Some soldiers are deep in enemy lines and life's luck looks like it's about to run out. "Hey fellas before I die, I want one last blow job. Will one of you guys help me out?" The other soldiers are stunned. "No!" "Absolutely not!" "Go jack off or do what ever but we don't want any part of it!!" "Fin...

A man is recovering from surgery.

A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.”

“What did he say?” the nurse asks.

“Oops.”

At the hospital on the battlefield

A severely wounded General was carried in. The doctor immediately started operate on the general in attempt to save his life.

During the surgery, the nurse had an uncanny face and acted odd. All of a sudden, the nurse took out a knife and stabbed the doctor. While crying, the nurse said, "I'...

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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?" ...

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me,

"Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."

The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith...

Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"

This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previou...

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There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn’t know what to do with him....

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong.

The head nurse replied, ”We don’t know what to do with this baby.”

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, “You should put him into a mental institution.”

”Why?’ asked the head nurse.

“Well..." replied the ...

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So a sailor is submitted into the hospital

... with two broken arms. You know, a really tough guy, big muscles, lots of body hair and tattoos, a true seaman.

So the two nurses that have to wash him since his arms are broken meet in the halls and one says to the other:

"hey that sailor has a very funny tattoo on his willy, righ...

I’m a Latino nurse and while I was doing my rounds, one of the surgeons burst out of the operating room and told me to help finish the operation. I cut the patient’s organ on the wrong spot but luckily I miscalculated and saved their life. No one thought I could do it and I shocked them all.

Nobody expected the Spanish missed incision.

What did the old man say to the prettiest nurse at the nursing home?

"Help! I've fallen for you and I can't get it up!"

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A redneck went to the hospital

A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."

The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied "you might want to...

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

My dad went for a blood glucose level test, this was way back in the 90's. After the test procedure was done, the nurse said, " your blood glucose levels are very high." To which my dad said, " Oh sweet!"

God bless his soul

What happens when a hospital runs out of labor and delivery nurses?

They have a mid-wife crisis.

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.

Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal cl...

What do nurses watch at the old folks home?

The grammies!

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three nurses in the morgue...

Three nurses went down to the morgue and found a dead guy lying there with a hard-on. *" It's a shame to waste that!"* exclaimed the first nurse, so she proceeds to ride him. The second nurse didn't hesitate to ride the guy after the first nurse was done, but the third was a bit hesitant because she...

A man walks up to the receptionist counter in a sperm bank...

The receptionist hands him a cup and directs him to room 1. He says “Ok, let’s go.” She says, “Uh, you go by yourself.”

He says “But at the blood bank, the nurse always helps me.”

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Had to give a fecal sample today but the nurse said it wasnt enough. She asked I would be willing to give her another sample.

I told her I couldn't give two shits.

An Asian nurse goes in to see Mr Jones

A few minutes later she comes out angry, refusing to see such a racist patient. The doctor goes in and asks Mr. Jones what he said to upset the nurse.

"I have no idea doc. She asked me if anything was bothering me, and I said yeah, urination"

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Three friends bragged about who has more sex...

Friend A said “You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women”

Friend B said “Oh yeah? Well I’m the top gynecologist doctor at the most hig...

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In the navy

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Navy fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.

He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, loo...

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

Bob's friend gets hit by a car...

Bob calls the hospital and says "My friend has been hit by a car and I think he's dead! What do I do?"

The nurse responds "Take a long breath, and follow my instructions carefully. First make sure he is actually dead, then y-"

Gunshots

"What next?"

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And this is how men think...

A woman was in a long coma. A nurse was giving her a sponge bath, when she accidentally made contact with the woman's vagina, which produced a reaction on the heart monitor.

Excited, she went and told one of the Doctors, and he in turn called the woman's husband to tell him to come over as s...

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There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room.

There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room. She had been doing this, and doing it well, for 45 years. She was a good nurse, always sharp as a tack, but she was getting to the point in life where she was just starting to get endearingly scatter brained. She would frequently get...

During his wife's labour, the nurse came up to them and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?"

Dave said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name."

Why would a Batman villain be disguised as a nurse?

To Poison IV!

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Why do nurses fuck musicians?

So they can get band-aids.

*year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017

Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.

Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.

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A nurse pulled a suppository out of her pocket

And said "SHIT! Some arsehole has got my pen"

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A man wakes up in a hospital surrounded by several frantic doctors and 1 female nurse leaning over him

She notices he has gained consciousness and says to him "you may not feel anything below the waist".