Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Friday, April 22, 2011

So I am finding that Michelle seems much more obvious to all the people around me than I had previously thought. I am actually getting called maam when out as Bob. I was at the grocery store last week wearing my Bob jacket and glasses. Had not shaved for 2 days and the girl at the register says "how are you today maam?" The guy in front and behind me both got a firm hello sir so I know that she knew the difference. I went to lunch today with my friend from work and again the waitress says "I'll go get your check ladies". We both laughed and I got a real pit in my stomach since I was definitely in Bob mode at the time. My therapist tells me that Michelle is much more than just my face and makeup. She says that I must be giving off a very female presence in order for these people to pick up on it. My entire presentation is more Michelle than Bob no matter how I am dressed.

I cannot describe the absolute terror that this creates. Michelle is more and more a full time reality and Bob is slowly fading into the background. We were at my brother's house last night to discuss living arrangements and my wife was there. I was having a very difficult time because my sister and sister-in-law kept referring to me as Michelle and "her" instead of "him" in front of my wife. She actually asked how I wanted to be addressed as M no matter how I was dressed. I could tell that this had made my wife very uncomfortable and I actually said that Donna could call me whatever she wanted. They still pushed the issue and insisted that I pick one or the other. Even though my wife was there, I said that M is always appropriate no matter what. That was very difficult for her to hear and I could see the hurt in her face.

So back to the absolute terror that this causes. I cannot help that queasy feeling in my stomach. People keep telling me that there is no going back now. I need to move on and let go of my wife and the relationship that we once had. I cannot describe the sheer joy that I felt at the thought of getting a new badge for work with Michelle instead of Bob. Yet again this causes a huge conflict since this is pushing the wife and kids farther away. My wife insists that these are all conscious choices that I am making. I know she is right but it is still very difficult to accept the fact that I am willingly destroying my wife and kids.

Sorry this is just more of the same old stuff but I really am struggling lately with this. I keep looking at my friends Facebook pages and wishing that I could just be normal and have a real life like they do. Maybe someday soon Michelle will be out completely and can be just like all the other people in the world. That would be great.