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8/22/13

Better Endings for Classic Texts

1. Death in Venice
by Thomas Mann-
Ol' Gussie thinks to himself, "hmm, that Tadzio is pretty
smokin', but he's just not worth kicking the bucket for- I'd rather
avoid cholera or malaria or whatever and find me some other smokin'
thing," and leaves Venice on the next boat. So simple!

2. Paradise Lost
by John Milton-
God thunders, "yo, you guys broke the rules, outta my garden!"
and Adam and Eve are like, "oh, man,
we're super sorry, God, um, if we trim some animals' claws and tidy
up a bit around here, could we maybe stay? Cause we're REALLY sorry.
Won't happen again." And God's like, "wellllllll.....ok,
one more chance. But I'm watching you." Adam and Eve clean their
hut up and take care of the animals better and they get to keep their
chill digs.

3. Little Dorrit
by Charles Dickens-
After Amy and Arthur finally declare their love, blah, blah, blah,
and Arthur says "marry me, babe!" Amy should have said,
"ok, cool, but first we have to go all around the town and beat
the crap out of all the people who treated us like dog poop,"
and Arthur's like, "rockin'!" and they kick some
well-deserved ass. The End.

4. Murder on the Orient Express
by Agatha Christie-
Poirot did it! (Figure that one out!)

5.
The Magic Mountain by Thomas Mann-
Hans finds out that World War I is going down and decides, eh, he'd
really rather not do that whole killing/maiming/shooting/gassing
thing and just stays at the sanitorium with his cuz Joachim, sipping
lemonade and checkin' out that hot Claudia Chaucat chick.

6. Waiting for Godot
by Samuel Beckett-
One dude says to the other dude (after about a minute)- "Godot's
not coming, let's split." And they split.

7. The Iliad
by Homer-
The clueless Trojans are about to let in the pretty horsie when
someone stands up and says, "are you guys INSANE? I don't know,
but I'm gonna guess that that horse is bad news, considering we've
got the enemy at the gates, etc. So, ixnay on the orshay! Seriously!"
and some of the non-brainless people are like, "yeah, girl's got
a point," and they say, "no thank you!" to the guy
delivering the horse.

8.
Beowulf
by some unknown dude-
The monster is about to wreak himself some good old fashioned havoc
at the local mead hall when one very brave Dane steps up and says,
"You, freaky monster thing! Just tell us what you want!"
and Freaky Monster Thing says, "Uhhhhhhhrrrrr, me want cookie
and mead." So the Danes are like, "well! If that's all you
want..." and the monster sits down to a big feast of cookies and
mead. And then he goes home to his mommy (who lives under a lake) and
she puts him to bed.

9.
Romeo and Juliet
by Shakespeare-
Romy and Jule see how thick-headed their families are being and run
off to Vegas. Problem solved!

10.
"The
Awakening" by Kate Chopin- Edna
is about to hurl herself into the ocean when she thinks, "wait,
I'm doing this because of some little punk? Screw that!" and has
herself a nice little swim, returns to the beach, and suns herself
while reading a romance novel.

11. Hamlet by William Shakespeare-
When Hamlet really starts to get his crazy on, Ophelia hauls off and
smacks him hard across the face and says "DUDE, snap out of it.
You're being bonkers. Let's order a pizza and you tell me what this
is all about. I assume it's your dad and your mom marrying that other
dude, blah blah blah, yes? Ok, I'll help you work through it."
And so, over pizza, they talk about it and Hamlet feels much better.
And nobody gets murdered.

12. "The
Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka- Gregor
wakes up and realizes that it was just a dream, he is not a bug, and
then he starts getting ready for work. But, uh oh, he looks in the
mirror and sees that he's actually a squid!!! Oh no!

13. Moby-Dick by Herman Melville-
Just when Captain Ahab and the whale finally smack into each other
and prepare to duke it out, Ahab has a change of heart and decides to
attach a GPS device to it so he can monitor his ferocious friend from
anywhere in the world, just cause Ahab worries, you know, about the
whale and wants to make sure that it's safe and everything. It's a
jungle out there- I mean, an ocean- I mean...