Monday, July 20, 2009

The Lost Nude Photos of Michael Broadbent

I have so many things that I want to write about on HoseMaster of Wine. I was even thinking about writing about wine, but who gives a crap what a wine blogger thinks about wine? No one reads wine blogs to find wines to buy. Hell, no. We read wine blogs to find out what sucks about wines--corkiness, light-spoiled, heat ruined, overpriced, understuffed--and what sucks about the wine business--interstate shipping laws, 1oo point scales, Marvin Shanken. Wine blogs aren't about the love of wine, they're about the love of self. And it takes a lot of wine for that to happen.

I have lists and lists of subjects for HoseMaster of Wine. But here are a few of the ideas that I've rejected. Feel free to steal them, Blogger Nation.

The Lost Nude Photos of Michael BroadbentTurns out they weren't lost, just mistaken for a Yeti.Mr Broadbent on the set of his secret porn film, "Melt my Dipstick."

Music Damaged WineA scathing article from Dan Berger about the dirty secret that winemakers and wine shops are keeping from you--loud Mexican music can damage your expensive bottle of wine!! Oh sure, it takes an extremely talented and near-perfect palate to tell, but Los Tigres del Norte completely destroyed the 2006 vintage of Opus One.

The Truth About Shipping LawsIt ain't the laws. California wineries don't want to ship to fucking Kentucky. Unless it's Jess shipping a broken-down thoroughbred there. The Family Wineries of California donate thousands of dollars to keep their wine out of the hands of hillbillies.

The Secret Paris Tasting of 1978France vs. Italy. Neither country was able to conclusively win. True to form, they both surrendered.

Jancis Robinson is a Man!OK, not exactly a surprise.

Steve Heimoff is a Man!Now we're talkin...

George Riedel Arrested in Huge Ponzi SchemeBernie Madoff says, "I never screwed people out of that much money compared to George! I tip my prison cap to him."

Alsace Wines All Produced In MendocinoWineries in Alsace are just fronts for laundering schnitzel. Navarro secretly produces 40% of the Alsace wines on the market and dumbs them down for wine critics to understand them.

Wine Bloggers Conference Actually Satan WorshipWine Blogger Awards followed by human sacrifice and impregnating Alice Feiring with the spawn of Robert Parker, the bloggers' incarnation of Beelzebub.

X-Rays Reveal Laube's Taste Buds in His ColonLeft behind by a gerbil, California winemakers vow to massage them anyway, as usual.

M.S. Awarded to MannequinShocking, but not the first dummy to win coveted title.

List of Rejected Ideas for PostsOnly a moron would think that was a funny premise.

I think my father will get a big hoot out of your article...what scared me in opening was that you might really have had nude pictures of him... after all, he once famously wrote in Decanter about his ambition to make love in every great vineyard in the world. He described one such vineyards in the South of France as being a horrible experience because it was too rocky and wet from the rain. There was a happy ending to the story when the PR woman from that winery heard of his discomfort, so she sent him an umbrella, a cushion and some olive oil! True story by the way.

Ron, Your comments made me think of my very own blog and a comment that was made in response to my Gamay post. Really interesting guy, regular poster, he said the most amazing thing to me this afternoon...what was it now? Let me think, it was so thoughtful and sensitive...oh, that's right...he said, "Get In Line"...funny fits here too.

Meaningless Awards

Follow the HoseMaster

About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.

What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine

"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..."--Robert Parker

"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."

--JancisRobinson.com

"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."

"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."

--Robert Parker

"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."

--San Francisco Chronicle

"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine

"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."

--Steve Heimoff

"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."

--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times

"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."

--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences

"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."

--1WineDude

"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."

--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"

"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."

--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"

"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."