Tag Archives: News

Newscasters hold a special place of dumbness in the universe. They are like the Brahma of dumb, which is like, the very tippy-top in case you were wondering. Can you think of any serious newscaster that is not completely and utterly retarded? I challenge you, savvy reader, to think of one smart newscaster. You can’t, can you? Your mind is melting at the very thought of an intelligent newscaster. They are all spineless, motor-mouthed, alcoholic, wannabe, washed-up, know-it-all, muggle fuck-ups. If you don’t know what a muggle is I suggest you look it up on Wikipedia right NOW or else Voldemort will find your place of residence and throttle your dog or kitty or bird or fish or ferret whilst they still slumber! If you have gerbils he will stomp them to death. If you have bunnies he will drink their blood, rip off their heads and save their ears to use later as toilet paper.

I’ll give you an example of just how dumb newscasters can be. One of my local retarded newscasters is Patrick Nolan. GOD-DAMN YOU PATRICK NOLAN! I HOPE YOU EAT THE AIDS VIRUS OFF YOUR SMOOTHIE STRAW AND DIE! I HOPE SOMEONE CLAMPS YOUR EYES OPEN AND FORCES YOU TO WATCH YOURSELF UNTIL YOU REALIZE JUST HOW MUCH YOU LOOK LIKE SOME FUCKED UP DEMON ALIEN MONKEY SENT TO EARTH TO PUNISH THE RIGHTEOUS!

You may be wondering – “what in God’s green earth did PATRICK FUCKING NOLAN do to deserve this tirade?” I’ll tell you: he looks into the camera everyday with his pathetic plastic smile, and his bad greasy yet perfectly tossled hair, and pretends that he’s on OUR side when he’s really just a fucked up demon alien monkey sent to earth to punish the righteous. That’s right, he was sent here to punish us. And yet he continues covering extremely important stories like how Marta Suarez’s trailer has become infested with bees and can’t afford to get them out, and how minority children haven’t learned to read, and how strapped business owners haven’t paid their contractors, and BLA BLA BLA. I SAW YOU AT THE FUCKING LIBRARY, PATRICK NOLAN, AND YOU WERE WALKING AWAY FROM YOUR STUPID NEON GREEN HONDA DEL SOL, AND YOU DIDN’T CARE. YOU DIDN’T CARE AND NOW EVERYONE KNOWS SO YOU BETTER BE SORRY!

If you have any doubt about how dumb newscasters are, please, I urge you to watch your local news, and you will see the light. If you’re still not sure, then watch three hours of Nancy Grace and, I assure you, you would rather dig out your inner ear with a letter opener than continue to listen to that drunk redneck bitch drone away thinking she’s the savior of fucking mankind.