Tuesday, March 25, 2014

After 10 years, she felt so beat down by her husband’s
criticisms that she decided to unwind her marriage and start over. She might have done so many years earlier,
but her passive nature and desire not to break up the family blocked her from
acting. She had supported the family for years in a job she disliked; her
husband, a college graduate, worked as a teacher’s aide. Although he made just a bit more than minimum
wage, his work hours allowed him to care for their two preteen daughters after
school and on breaks. It worked—but no
one was happy.

Her daughters spent time at her apartment for the first few
months after the separation but then came less frequently, saying they wanted
to stay close to their friends. She expressed
disappointment but, in keeping with her passive temperament, did not insist.

Things got worse once they started to negotiate the
divorce. Her husband opposed joint
custody, demanded more than guideline
child support, wanted an uneven distribution of their assets, and asked that
she pay the mortgage on the house—which he would continue to live in with the
girls. Disinclined to argue, feeling
guilty about the divorce, and not having the funds to litigate, she conceded to
everything but paying the mortgage. During this period, her daughters began
blaming her for the divorce, accusing her of being selfish and abandoning the
family. Unable to find better work in the midst of the
great recession, her ex kept his position at the school and moved to a more
modest home; he complained bitterly to the children that their mother had
screwed him in the divorce.

Leaving an unrewarding marriage, however, was not her only
goal. She also wanted to attend law
school – a dream her ex had opposed – and to be more socially active. She enrolled in law school and renewed her
religious involvement. Both changes
worked out. She found rewarding work as a lawyer and through her new religious involvement
she met her second husband, with whom she had two more children, and became deeply
committed to religious education and leadership.

In contrast to these positive developments in her personal,
professional, and spiritual life, she and her daughters remained
estranged. Her oldest occasionally
accompanied her to dinner but her youngest would stand at the back of the house
when she went to pick them up, calling her vulgar names and refusing to come to
the door. Her ex stood by, not intervening. For years, he only communicated to
demand money for camps, birthdays, and religious events – and then told her the
girls did not welcome her attendance. She
persisted, albeit passively, keeping up with their school progress and acknowledging holidays with cards and
small gifts. Her daughters refused to
meet her new husband and her new children.

She knew her ex would be bitter about the divorce, but she
didn’t expect his anger to last so long or to so damage her relationship to the
girls. She had renewed her life—but her
daughters had not; they were bound to their father’s resentment, much as she
had been when still married, and could not risk his disapproval by moving
towards her. The children performed only
fairly in school, did not have any extracurricular activities, and had few
friends. They were, in sum, not doing
well. Mental health professionals,
religious leaders, and extended family members tried to help break the impasse,
but to no avail.

The divorce had removed the structures that enabled this family
to work in the beginning: a division of financial and child care responsibility
between the parents, the shared commitment to education, and the support of
their extended families. But when these structures came undone, the family lost
the norms that had previously directed its energies for the children. Rather than focusing the children on a positive
expectation of the future, the father focused the children on an angry view of
the past. Rather than providing counsel and wisdom and the benefit of all that
she was learning, the mother was reduced to being a peripheral—and
unwelcome—figure in the children’s lives.
The children functioned—but without direction or interest.

Eventually, the void was filled by one of the most powerful
forces in Western life, financial resources. The
father’s financial straits worsened as the girls started high school. His extended family could offer help if he
joined them out of state, but the divorce decree had a residence
restriction. The older daughter was
pressuring him about college—he couldn’t afford to send her—and pushing back when
he blamed the mother for their financial problems. After one blow up, the daughter came to the
mother’s home late at night, asking for a place to stay. The father reacted by cutting her off
entirely, even calling the police when she came to the house to retrieve her
clothing. With his child support cut in
half, the father saw moving as his only financial option. In subsequent
mediation, the mother agreed for the younger daughter to move with him out of
state – but only after the daughter spent a summer living agreeably in the
mother’s home.

By this time, the older daughter was integrating into the
mother’s new family: helping out with the younger children, attending community
college, and working a part time job. There
were still tensions, particularly because the daughter did not share her
mother’s religious beliefs, but she got along with her stepfather and was
grateful for the feeling of practical and emotional security that her mother’s
home provided. The younger daughter
adjusted reasonably well the first summer, getting along with her stepfather
and younger siblings. She enjoyed summer theater camps that the mother arranged
for her—activities that the father had previously discouraged or said he could
not afford—and returned as planned on holidays.

The girls were at an age when they were feeling normal
interests in separating, but the father’s financial distress and the mother’s
resources were the catalysts for the girls finally repairing their relationship
to their mother. It might have gone much
differently if the mother had not been prepared practically or willing
emotionally when the girls presented the opportunity to reconnect. The
unwinding and rebuilding took seven years – the entirety of the older
daughter’s adolescence.

Monday, March 3, 2014

The other day there was a knock at the door. Our door’s textured window prevented me from
seeing clearly who it was, but I could tell it was a young woman. I impulsively concluded, without reason, that
she was one of the environmental advocates that come by our house every few
months—asking for a signature on their most recent petition and a financial
contribution. They’ve been here before
and their pitch, honed I suspect by a careful reading of Cialdini, is
effective—and annoying. I support
environmental initiatives—but I’m not a fan of uninvited front door
solicitations. Yet I’m on their list. Already annoyed, I prepared myself to listen
politely, to sign the petition if I was in agreement, to say no to the financial
request, and then firmly ask for my name to be taken off the door-to-door contact
list.

When I opened the door, there was indeed a young college age
woman – exactly what I expected. But she
didn’t have a clipboard and she didn’t say anything. She just stood there, looking at me and
smiling. I was caught off guard, at a loss for words. Where was her clipboard? Where was the greeting and the explanation of
why she was there? How could I deflect
her pitch when she wasn’t saying anything? I must have looked a bit silly for a moment,
staring blankly and stuttering. This was
not what I expected. Then it hit me:
this wasn’t an environmental advocate, this was Emily, my niece. She lives down the street and dropped by to
visit. I’ve known her all her life. I
see her several times a week. She usually comes in the back door, but today she
is knocking at the front door. Emily
laughed aloud: “Mark, it’s me, what’s wrong? You don’t recognize your own
niece?”

In fact, I hadn’t at first – because I was sure the person
at the door was someone else.

This was an example of inattentional blindness--the failure to notice something unexpected. I was looking for someone else, the environmental
advocate, and couldn’t see who was actually there, my niece.

Emily and I had a laugh but in other situations this phenomenon
can have dangerous consequences. Consider the recent incident of a man who mistook
a cell phone for what he expected to see in the hands of a young black male—a
gun—and shot him.

The same phenomenon also plays out when conflicted family
members see one another through fixed mindsets. Two alienated brothers are convinced that
their mother is too stupid to tie her shoelaces—and quickly relate the
evidence. But when asked about her
insightful comments and clever remarks during family therapy sessions, they
don’t remember her making these statements.
Indeed, they deny that she
did—they are blind and deaf to what they don’t expect.

In another instance, one parent was convinced by a
psychologist’s evaluation that the other parent is a narcissist. This parent can “see” the other parent’s
self-focused behaviors readily enough, but is blind to the other parent’s
genuine efforts to attend to their children’s needs and feelings.

It’s hard not to be blindsided by inattentional
blindness. But to learn more, click here.

About this Blog

Dr. Mark Otis has been a practicing psychologist in Dallas since 1979. He writes and produces multimedia educational and training material for divorce professionals and divorcing parents who want to improve their co-parenting, negotiation, mediation, and conflict de-escalation skills. Dr. Otis recently moved to Denver, Colorado where he continues his consultation practice.

Welcome Back, Pluto

If you have confronted many instances of parent-child alienation, you have probably encountered children who insist upon calling their rejected parent by their first name (or worse). Perhaps in most instances, the alienated children’s intent is to show contempt towards the rejected parent: “You don’t deserve the name Mom or Dad, you’ve lost the right to that respect.” Welcome Back, Pluto presents this issue to children and adults in an even-handed manner designed to replace contempt with compassion and hurt with understanding.

A Psychedelic Pluto

Pluto lit up for the holidays

Contact Mark Otis

email: mark@markrotis.com

Check out this new online divorce service

If you are a married parent living in Texas and are considering divorce, check out a new online service, Negotiated Divorce, for couples who want to conduct their own divorce. Negotiated Divorce was designed by legal, mental health and financial divorce professionals with over 90 years combined experience. Designed to be more than another document service, the site has extensive educational material and easy to follow instructions to help parents make informed agreements about parenting plans, financial issues, and property settlements. Based on a core value that "negotiated solutions are the best solutions," Negotiated Divorceis the only online service that offers extensive multimedia educational material focused exclusively on helping couples learn the skills and tools of negotiating that are so necessary to good agreements. . Check it out.

One of the hallmarks of divorce conflict is insufficient civility. Everyday, angry ex’ send contentious, nasty emails and texts that they...

Articles and websites of interest

It takes two to have a war, but perhaps only one to make peace. Read an article by three prominent Israelis with a unique perspective on the Israeli-Palestinian debate about how to achieve peace...Peace Without Partners...

If you are family lawyer wanting to improve your analysis of mental health professionals's evaluations of your clients (or if you are a mental health professional preparing to testify about an evaluation you conducted), be sure to read the two best books on the market:Confronting Mental Health Evidence and How to Examine Mental Health Experts. Written by John A. Zervopoulos, Ph.D., J.D., these books will organize your analysis, guide your questions, and improve your practice.

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Video links

Bargaining is often an essential component to how satisfied the parties feel about a negotiation. Making concessions back and forth reassures each party that the other side is willing to consider their concerns. But when an agreement is reached without either side making significant concessions, both parties may walk away dissatisfied, wondering if they could have achieved more.For a light-hearted look at this dynamic, watch this classic scene from Seinfeld where Kramer and Jerry’s father negotiate the sale of some raincoats.

Monty Python also took a look at bargaining -- but puts a reverse spin on it in this hilarious scene set in a middle east bazaar.

It's a negotiation! Or is it? Watch this lawyer, played by George Clooney, begin settlement discussionsin his client's divorce.

Interests are at the core of every negotiation. Can you identify the landlord's interests in this scene from The Tenant?

One can't succeed without risking failure. Check out these inspirational videos about infamous failures such as Abraham Lincoln and Michael Jordan if you feel that failure is weighing you down.

I've used this clip from the Wedding Crashers for years to illustrate the importance of the relationship between the parties to succeed at a negotiation. Don't be fooled by their sarcasism and cynicism, these mediators know what they're doing to help the divorcing parties reach an agreement.

Need to laugh?

It's important for all of us to be able to laugh at ourselves, including mental health professionals. Here's aclassic sketch starring Bob Newhart that pokes good fun at therapy.

Mindset

Do you know the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset? It's an important concept with which all parents should be familiar. Check out this informative and inspiring TedTalk by Eduardo Briceno.

Brandon Todd illustrates the importance of persistence to a growth mindset. Inspiring short documentary of how a man challenged himself to do what others said was not possible.