Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

NBA Basketball

NEW YORK—Noting that the rampant problem has devastated rosters across the league, representatives from the National Basketball Players Association demanded an increased referee presence in high-foul areas, sources confirmed Friday.

CLEVELAND—With the 11-time NBA All-Star making no move to take out his wallet after receiving his Reuben from the counter, sources at Earl’s East Side Market confirmed Thursday that Cavaliers forward LeBron James was clearly expecting the deli to give him the sandwich for free.

OAKLAND, CA—Saying that he had so much pent-up energy that he would likely remain wide awake until tip-off, Cleveland Cavaliers shooting guard J.R. Smith told reporters Thursday that he was far too excited and nervous before Game 1 of the NBA Finals to sleep through head coach David Blatt’s locker room speech.

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

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Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Kevin Love: Signed a five-year deal that will pay him nearly $20 million in his first year with the Cavs and $93 million in his four subsequent years with the Lakers after the Cavs finally give up on him

Rajon Rondo: Given $9.5 million by the Kings to spend the next year deflecting reporters’ questions about George Karl and DeMarcus Cousins

Jimmy Butler: Re-upped for five years with the Bulls at the prospect of getting to play six or seven more games with Derrick Rose

Marc Gasol: The All-Star center decided to stay in Memphis after the Grizzlies offered to publicly endorse the Catalan separatist movement

LaMarcus Aldridge: The Spurs inked one of the most sought-after free agents on the market to a four-year, three-championship deal

Jeremy Lin: Lin’s move to the Hornets has many NBA fans wondering if the “Linsanity” phenomenon could finally be at an end

Jim Boylen: After years of serving as an assistant in Indiana, Milwaukee, and San Antonio, Boylen joined the Bulls in order to finally be an assistant coach in a big-market city

LeBron James: Signed a two-year, $47 million deal with the Cavs to remain the highest-paid coach in the league

Dwyane Wade: In a display of his undying commitment to the Heat, the injury-prone 33-year-old signed a one-year, $20 million contract to stay in Miami