“Kill our way out of this mess” is the theme of every American movie not
about talking animals or weddings.

Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in
the ground.

Mitt, you do know that most of America thinks Mali is one of Obama's
daughters, right?

It's good they agree armed Americans should be involved with everyone,
everywhere. We loved armed intervention like Paula Dean loves butter.

Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in
the ground

Mitt's entire debate strategy: What he just said, but from a white guy.

That's an amazingly specific number Mitt keeps pulling out of his ass,
12 million new jobs. But fellas, this is the foreign policy debate!

Jobs, teachers, education - gentlemen, please, can we get back to
killing foreigners?

Bob Scheiffer, could you ask about what's IN the military budget? If
people knew specifics,”I wouldn't cut nuttin'” wouldn't sound so good

I like hearing Mitt say how great he was for Massachusetts, the state
that will never, ever, ever vote for him.

I can't be the only one who's surprised to find out Buster Posey is a
white guy. Sorry, flipped to the game.

I've seen wider ideological differences between Jehovah's Witnesses.

Oh no he din't- Romney said his ultimate BubbleFact, “Apology Tour”
right in front of the guy who NEVER WENT ON ONE.

To clarify, Mitt is for moving heaven and earth, but only in regards to
mining.

You're losing, Mitt- bring up the fact that we have fewer knives and
rocks than we did during the French and Indian War.

Shorter version of Romney: Me strong. Obama weak. Hulk smash.

OK Mitt, one more try: we have fewer catapults and barrels of boiling
oil than we had in the crusades.

First debate, all agreed, Obama lost; second one, i say he won, but
Romney not trounced. But this one? Only bubbledwellers can say Mitt won

Mitt keeps taking issue with being criticized tonight - did they tell
him this is a debate?

OK, one last try: We have fewer Andrews Sisters and Ritz Brothers than
we did in 1944. So glad we're done with THAT!

---------

Wonkette:

“The audience has taken a vow of silence.” But not celibacy, one hopes.

We are debating during the 50th anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis.
This is very important, because we are painfully aware that neither of
these men is a Jack Kennedy.

Cutting Obamacare, which the CBO has projected will reduce the deficit,
will save money, because MAGIC.

Mitt is in favor of crippling sanctions like the ones Barry has put in
place. If elected, he will have the Doctor take him back to the Bush
administration to put them in place sooner, and more crippling-er.

Mittens, again with the “tumult.” Why does it sound like Yiddish when he
says “tumult”?

You know all about shipping jobs overseas, don’t you Governor? BOOM!

Mitt is pretending that he can feel empathy... Brent Spiner pulled this
off a lot more convincingly.

---------

Various fact checkers:

Politifact rated the claim that the U.S. Navy, U.S. Air Force are
smaller than in 1917 and 1947 “pants on fire.”

Romney wants to add $2 trillion to defense that it didn't ask for it.
True.

Obama 'promised' 5.4 percent unemployment? Mostly False.

---------

The Onion:

Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In
America

I never thought it was a good idea for attorneys to be president.-Clint
Eastwood, endorsing Harvard Law grad Romney.

We're not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers.-Neil Newhouse, Romney Campaign official pollster

‎"A Party too patriotic for facts... a candidate too successful for taxes... a city where flip-flops are eveningwear... from Tampa, Florida, this is The Republican National Convention..."
-The Daily Show opening, 8/30/2012

I once got drunk and screamed at a couch for 15 minutes. But it wasn't televised.-Elayne Boosler

Clint Eastwood's RNC speech was to imaginary Obama in an empty chair. I'm drafting a DNC
speech to imaginary Romney in an empty factory.-George Takei

Ryan stretching the truth to make his speech more effective is just another form of doping.
In that if you believe him, you are a dope.-Stephen Colbert

Warning: if you have a heart condition or are pregnant you should not watch. Not because of
the excitement, but because you probably won't like the Republican positions on health care and
reproductive rights.-Stephen Colbert

Happy birthday to a brilliant comedian, animal activist, lovely lady and
all-around swell person, Elayne Boosler. Visit her website,
as well as Tails of Joy, the charity she
runs that raises funds for the smallest and neediest- as well as most
effective- annimal rescue organizations.

Computers are such time-saving devices. In fact, I've just spent the
last three years trying to print out an envelope.

Every time I fly, they x-ray my shoes. Let me ask you a question: what
woman is going to blow up her shoes?

Getting old has its advantages. I used to have to buy pot, now I get it
from friends with arthritis.

I buy Hustler because I like to hide The New York Post in
something on the way home.

I do clean up a little. If company is coming, I'll wipe the lipstick off
the milk container.

I don't do a feminist act. I'm a human being trapped in a woman's body.

I have gone from day of the week underwear to day of the week pill
dispensers.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't
think something's wrong with me.

Mr. Right is now a guy who hasn't been laid in fifteen years.

My ancestors wandered through the wilderness for 40 years because even
in Biblical times, men would not stop to ask directions.

My friend has two dogs, a Shi Tzu and a Shar Pei. She named them Fluff
and Fold.

The last time I was going to the hairdresser to get my roots done, my
dog gave me a sad look for leaving the house again. I said to him, “If
you could see color, you'd know where I was going.”

The latest fad, giving birth under water, may be less traumatic for the
baby, but it's more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

The Vatican is against surrogate motherhood. Good thing they didn't have
that rule when Jesus was born.

There's only one right way to lose weight: vodka and cigarettes.

We should pass a new law. Nobody can get famous just by sleeping with a
celebrity and getting naked in a magazine. You have to make a
contribution to society first. You can still be in Playboy, you
just have to do something worthwhile beforehand. “I've developed a
vaccine, and I'd like to show you my breasts.” Go ahead, you've earned
it.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country.

You know you're getting fat when you step on your dog's tail and he dies.

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a
little pot belly and a bald spot.

We’re going to start a new country, where upward mobility and education doesn’t make us the
elites, it restores the American dream- and all of us accepted. And you know what we’re going
to call it? "America Classic." - Elayne Boosler

(This commentary by Elayne Boosler appeared in the Huffington
Post in April of 2007 following the Virginia Tech shootings. As she
noted yesterday on Facebook, "It's only worse since I wrote this piece.")

If 33 people were killed by apples instead of guns at Virginia Tech,
there wouldn't be an apple left on the shelves or in the homes of this
country until apples could be made safe. Screw your "constitutional
right" to have an apple, there is something called the "greater good",
and the good of the country takes precedence over your "interpretation"
of any amendment in the now defunct anyway constitution. Just ask the
spinach growers, and the people who love to yell "fire" in a crowded
theater. And why do you always forget the words, "well regulated
militia"?

2500 Children Left Behind

If 2500 children under the age of 17 were felled by apples instead of
guns every year in America, there wouldn't be a congressman or senator
left serving who took one penny from the National Apple Association. The
shame and admonishment would be too great. And if there were even
incremental steps to take to make apples safer, and even they were
fought tooth and nail by your blood money National Apple Association,
claiming the straw man of the "slippery slope" to "regulation", America
might better see you for the mercenary and shameful organization you
truly are.

We are getting tired of prying your guns out of your cold dead hands.

Here's a news flash for you gun waving "real Americans": It's not about
guns. It's about money. Follow the money. The NRA raises hundreds of
millions of dollars by convincing you they are fighting for your
"rights". Wake up. It's a business. Just like any other business, except
with the help of their bought off representatives, they are the only
UNREGULATED consumer product in America. What do they sell? FEAR. Fear,
fake patriotism, and fake bravado, just like their commander in chief,
President Custer. You're being played.

With their hundreds of millions of dollars raised on the blood of
murdered Americans, they pay themselves, they keep their product
manufacturers flush, and they buy their government officials. They exist
to convince you you need their product. And when sales slow, they target
new markets. They market fear to women, then sell them "feminine little
purse guns". They market to children. The cartoon character Joe Camel is
banned, but sure shootin' Eddie Eagle is alive and well to shit again on
Friday. (He teaches children "gun safety", meaning, he teaches children
to use guns.)

We're Number One!!

The number of children under the age of 17 shot by guns in America every
year is greater than the gun-related deaths of children in all the
industrialized nations of the world COMBINED.

Here is the population of Japan: 127,463,611.

Here is the number of children killed by guns in Japan every year: 0.

A 2001 Centers for Disease Control (CDC) study found that in homicides
among intimate partners, women are murdered more with guns than with all
other means COMBINED.

In 2004, guns were most commonly used by males to murder their female
partners.

A 2003 study found women living with a gun in the home were almost three
times more likely to be murdered than women with no gun in the home.

"If we ban handguns only criminals will have guns." Well then let's not
have any laws in America at all. No drug laws, no traffic laws, no laws
at all, right? Duh.

"Cars kill people!!" Yes, cars kill people when something goes wrong.
Guns are MADE to kill people. Handguns have one purpose, to kill people.

Stage Rule: If There is a Gun on the Wall in Act I, It Will Go Off in
Act II.

Bush's Unmitigated Gall

I watched President Custer speak at the Virginia Tech memorial
yesterday. How dare he "express condolences". How DARE he. Here is how
his administration helped kill 33 people at Virginia Tech:

Passage of gun industry immunity bill. That's right, you can sue every
industry in America, except gun manufacturers and dealers. Your family
gets murdered by a madman? Tough.

Refusal to aid in renewal of federal assault weapons ban, even though
the law had already been eviscerated by the gun industry. Get it?
INDUSTRY.

Fighting background checks. The Virginia shooter had been committed to a
mental institution. In Virginia that means you can't buy a gun. Oh yeah?
Thank goodness the gun shop owner who sold it to him can't be sued.

The president does not support the police when citizens can have assault
weapons.

The president does not support the police when citizens can have armor
piercing bullets.

The president helps the terrorists when anyone can have a shoulder
rocket launcher that can take a plane out of the sky. And I'm taking my
shoes off at the airport?

The president helps the terrorists when he supports a ban on release of
federal crime tracing data necessary to identify patterns in illegal gun
trafficking.

The president helps the terrorists when he requires the ATF to
immediately destroy gun sales records previously allowed to be kept for
90 days under Brady Bill background check.

We Found the WMD. They Are Here.

Guns are for cowards. You can kill from a distance. You are detached,
removed. You don't get your hands dirty. You don't feel the life
draining out of another human being in an eye to eye struggle, face to
face, with your hands squeezing or beating soft, human, flesh, one on
one. We had just as many disturbed, sick citizens in America in the last
century as we do in this. The difference now is access to weapons of
mass destruction. Anyone can have a gun. Anyone. It did not used to be
like this. It's easy to kill now.

The Gang that Couldn't Shoot Straight

"Two Secret Service officers were injured yesterday after a gun held by
another Secret Service officer accidentally fired inside the White House
gate. The officers received wounds to face and leg."

"Vice President Cheney shoots hunting companion in the face."

So really, what chance do thousands of children a year have?

3,300 Americans have died in Iraq and Afghanistan in the last four
years. 120,000 Americans have been shot to death in America in the last
four years. Where is the outrage? If we can elect a new congress based
on its commitment to end the war overseas, we can elect a congress
committed to end the war here at home. End both wars.

Here's the Punchline

Today the supreme court overturned thirty years of supreme court
precedent, and overturned the findings of six federal courts, to declare
war on women, their health, their privacy, and their lives, by upholding
a ban on dilation and curettage abortion that contains NO exception to
preserve the health or SAVE THE LIFE of the woman. Justice Ruth Bader
Ginsberg, writing for the four dissenting justices, called the decision
"alarming".

Wait for it...

President Custer - "Today's decision affirms that the Constitution does
not stand in the way of the people's representatives enacting laws
reflecting the compassion and humanity of America. This affirms the
progress my administration has made to defend the 'sanctity of life'".

"NY-Based Makers Of AriZona Tea Caught Up In Misguided Boycott." Oh no!
That's what happens when you name your product after another place, as
learned the hard way by the old Auschwitz Ice Cream Company.-Elayne
Boosler

Comedienne Elayne Boosler asked on her Facebook page, "Is there yet born a producer bold enough, brave enough, radical enough, to produce an awards show without steps onstage? So women in model airplane stand shoes aren't shaking by the time they speak? Do they think we care how people in show business look going down steps? 'Hey! Mollie Ringwald nailed 'em! I give it a 10!'"

I think it's the awards show equivalent of NASCAR. You know most of what you're watching will be mind-numbingly boring, but you're secretly hoping there'll be a spectacular crash.