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Today has been ridiculously icky. Not only did I have to work (gahk. At least I didn’t fall into a deer carcass this time. See Twitter.), I had to teach my last class at Appalachian State University. I think I scared the bejeezus (that’s a word they use in Boone) out of the little dreamers and hopers. I might have told the little newsy hopefuls that their destinies included $18 k jobs and a lack of health insurance. Oh, and that stress and 80-hour work weeks would cause them to die alone of a heart condition with only the distribution of their underfed cats and a missed deadline to remind people they existed in the first place. You know. Unless that get a snazzy new biz journal job and a the promise of a snazzy new paycheck. But that probably won’t happen to you, I said. You are all too idealistic.

I must make myself pretty for my date tonight (I have a date. Yep. Now that I’m moving. I’m dating. That’s apparently how it works)- but you deserve news briefs. So, here.

Lannan is a groundball pitcher who has never induced fewer than 50 percent grounders, and holds a career groundball-to-flyball ratio of 1.9. His FIP haven’t exactly been stellar despite this, as he’s been about 12 percent worse than the league in that regard over his career.

This time he’s not talking about video games. Or the Red Sox. Traitor boy is talking Cubs.

“I would feel very comfortable putting a very large chunk of money that [a World Series title] would happen in the next five to 10 years. This guy is a game-changer from a baseball knowledge perspective. He is as smart, as aware as anyone I have ever been around, and I’m talking about game smart. The kind of smarts that generally have been associated with people who have been on the field.

“He understands the human element to this. A lot of what I learned from and about Theo I’ve taken into my company and tried to help my company grow. Theo gets it, and it’s not lost on the people who played for him. He’s the only general manager I ever played around who fit into the clubhouse. That’s a very dangerous thing for general managers, especially if they don’t fit. He was always welcome. He’s a very smart guy.”

Whatever. Thank you for 2004. Now go home.

—-

So, Cubs. If Curt is right, you’ll get the WS. Whatever. We get your scout. Um. Well, we DO get your scout.

Seriously. In a year that brought us Crawflop and A-walktofirst-Gonzalez, Aceves was a rock star.

It was such a nice season that Aceves may have a shot at a spot in the Red Sox starting rotation this coming season. Even if he doesn’t start, another season similar to last year’s will net Aceves a considerable raise the next time his contract comes up.

I’d really, really, really like to see Aceves start. Over Bard. Just saying.

In irritating news, our very own East Bound and Downesque Vincente Padilla may be delayed by LEGAL TROUBLE. An arrest warrant in Nicaragua (I have to interview someone in Nicaragua at 5!) for child support something could delay him getting back to the states. So it’s not even a nifty arrest warrant. Like for assaulting a Stankee.

Whatthefrickever.

—-

And here’s something irritating. Theo’s now all roses that him and Cashman can be buddies. It’s all about the shirt.

“I was never able to totally relax because I felt like he was always lurking,” Epstein said. “He had a great sense of the marketplace.”

But now they can jog down the hillside and pick poppies together.

Brian Cashman and Theo Epstein said that after years of being on opposite sides of baseball’s most bitter rivalry, they are looking forward to being able to make deals with one another.

Roy Oswalt is still mulling offers. And we “still have a shot” with him. What-thefrick-ever.

I no longer care. This guy must have a bigger ego than Prince Fielder.

I get mulling your options. I do. But I’m not a fan of people who drag others along for their ride to nowhere-ville. I have girlfriends whose men (and I use that term lightly) pull the same shit, Roy. You, Roy, are not the bees’ knees. You are not Pedro Martinez. You are not Mike Lowell. And you are NOT (let me repeat) NOT Kevin Youkilis. So slide off your high horse and get back on the track with the rest of us. You can’t do that, can you? You have to occupy OUR Google news alerts with your “will he, won’t he” bull shit.

So, Roy Oswalt, on behalf of Red Sox Nation, I rescind the offer. You are no longer welcome in Boston. Go home and don’t let the door hit you in the cup on your way out.

I don’t know if you KNOW this, Roy, dear, but we had this little morale issue last year. We had a couple attitude issues. Some chicken. Some beer. You know. And this season? Well, it’s time for an attitude adjustment. It’s time to up the ante and get our heads in the game. And if your head isn’t in Boston, WE DON’T WANT YOU.

Same to you, Edwin Jackson. Seriously. Instead of all these articles saying that you’re “unlikely” to sign with us, CUT THE CORD.

Stop building us up for rejection.

It’s like this:

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO MAKE A FRICKING DECISION? I spent less time mulling MY offers and I guarantee you that you’re BOTH ending up with more moolah.

I think I get it. I think I get why it seems to irritate these baseball players to be offered loads of money to move to a new city and play a game.

Because, see, I have an offer too, Roy Oswalt. More money. To move. And I should be celebrating. Or eating cake. Or dancing to Cheap Trick or something. But I’m not. Because I have cleaning and packing and cleaning and packing. Is that why you’re not excited? Because you know, Boston or otherwise, you still have to pack…

I think that’s it. Baseball players just don’t want to move. Because moving is horrifying. Terrifying. Annoying. Irritating. Sweaty. Gross. Inconvenient. And heavy. Oh. And expensive. So expensive. What was I talking about again? Oh, right. Roy Oswalt. And Edwin Jackson. And the rest of the baseball players of America who don’t want to move to Boston.

It’s so expensive, that I’ve resorted to some creative, if humbling tactics. Like begging. And Craigslist ads.

I'm making progress. Sorta.

But see, Roy Oswalt, you’re rich. You can pay people to do this crap for you. I looked it up. For like $1,500, you can even get someone to put everything in boxes for you. $1,500. Hmmm. What do you think they’ll do for $15? I can spare $15. $22. But that’s ALL I have in my emergency vodka fund.

Which means… I’d have to do some of this sober…

THAT could be a problem…

But not for YOU, Roy Oswalt.

You could probably drink mimosas on your porch (it’s going to have to be beer if you’re moving to Boston) and take bets on which mover splits a disk first. You could probably sit on your porch and play a rich person game. Like bridge. You could drink mimosas. Play bridge. And watch blue collar workers break themselves over your canopy bed. Do you have a canopy bed? If I was rich, I’d have a canopy bed. I think I’m going to buy a canopy bed. But I’m going to wait until I get to Raleigh so I don’t have to move it. Maybe I could donate all of my things to charity and get new things. Um. From a charity. In Raleigh. Um. Things cost money…

If you don’t want to go the professional mover route and, you know, actually accomplish something. You could hire college students. Or. Um. Me. I bet moving your things would be more interesting than moving my things. Can I have your canopy bed? You can pay me $1,500 exactly so that I can get to Raleigh.

I have a lot of girly things. Like really, really girly things. Like Miley Cyrus-esque hot pink things. I should get rid of my hot pink things. Adults don’t have hot pink things. I’m already pushing it with my Red Sox lamps…

Some free advice- NEVER watch your boyfriend’s cats for five months. Because he won’t pay you back for food like he said he would. And, when you break up and they’ve destroyed your carpet and made your house smell, the ex will just call you a bad word in a grocery store parking lot. I mean, I’ve heard that can happen. Um…

—–

So, in relevant to everyone else news, the Sox could actually get something out of this Cubs situation. I mean, -I- doubt it… but some people actually think we’ll see a payday.

Okay. The following statement is going to sound egotistical. But it’s not. It’s just a fact. And I can’t help it if facts make me look a snob, people. Rejection? Not something that happens to me. Seriously. And it’s not because I’m beautiful (even though I like to think that I am. Hmmm. That one WAS egotistical). And it’s not because of my personality (which, by the way is SPARKLING, as you see daily). It’s because of my confidence. And this theory that I have that all guys are inherently desperate and will always, always, always buy you a drink if they’re not poor, gay or taken. Well, apparently Roy Oswalt and Edwin Jackson are poor, gay or taken. Because they’re NOT buying us drinks. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?

Remember when we used to ooze confidence? We oozed it, Soxies. And now…

Seriously. Roy Oswalt is looking at Texas and St. Louis. TEXAS AND ST. LOUIS? What do they have that we don’t have? We are GORGEOUS. Just ask David Ortiz (who Benny STILL hasn’t signed. What the FRICK are you people doing in the front office?). We’re smart. We’re talented. And if you don’t want to go out with us, there are plenty of guys who would be lucky, no- BLESSED to have us in their lives. Pretty guys. TALLER guys.

Which brings me to Edwin Jackson. Edwin FRICKING Jackson. Lucchino’s first choice. Our “whatever” choice. And now HE might reject us for… wait for it…. THE FRICKING ORIOLES, ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

There is something going on here. Something sinister. Like a love potion. Or spinach teeth. Or something. THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME AT BARS. TWICE? In like, a day???? There’s something going on here…

And the other irrrrritttaattting thing I’m learning about rejection- is it kind of makes you want him more. All of sudden those flaws, flaws like mediocrity and weird Vulcan pitching fade away… and what’s left is this sought after pitching Adonis. All of a sudden I want Roy. And Edwin. I want them so badly, Soxies. And… um… they… um… might… not… want… me???? WHAT CAN WE SAY TO MAKE YOU LOVE US?

I have to go question my identity now. I don’t know. Maybe with ice cream? Is that what dateless people do?

Speaking of rejection, icky, icky rejection, I STILL haven’t heard back from my first choice job-wise. Got a really amazing offer on the table in Raleigh. So, definitely fleeing the mountain… So, there’s that…

So much news to report when you’re avoiding your own life-altering decisions! Now they’re saying Roy Oswalt has been made an offer. So, um, does this mean we could have the handy-dandy Oswalt-Jackson combo of badassery? Because I’m good at math see. And TWO is always better than ONE.

The Sox have made Oswalt an offer, according to CBS Sports’ Jon Heyman, but it’s reportedly unclear whether he’s interested in joining the team.

Seriously? YOU could be rejecting US? You realize that our management has rejected… um… almost everyone BUT you, right?

Wait… wait, wait… rejecting us for… Cincinnati???? Seriously?

See, this is kind of a big deal, Roy Oswalt. You could be… um… the ONLY big move we’ve made um… ALL OFFSEASON.

Reject us. Hah.

I’ll show you rejection. I’ll reject your rejection, you mess with me.

Oswalt is known as one of the faster workers in baseball in terms of time between pitches. Despite his small frame, he is one of baseball’s hardest hurlers, and frequently appears among the league leaders in innings pitched.

Oswalt throws four primary pitches. His fastball is consistently between 92 miles per hour (148 km/h) and 94 miles per hour (151 km/h), occasionally touching 95 miles per hour (153 km/h) to 97 miles per hour (156 km/h); he throws a high percentage of fastballs and is known to be very aggressive, at times throwing multiple fastballs in a row into the strike zone. He throws an overhand curveball at a speed of approximately 70 miles per hour (110 km/h) that is thrown with three fingers over the seams. Oswalt also throws a Vulcan changeup in the low 80s, which he added to his repertoire during the 2010 offseason, and a slider in the mid-80s.[11]

What the frick is a Vulcan changeup?

Whatever it is, I bet this is the face you make...

You won a gold medal. That’s neat. Um. Okay.

Wikipedia, you seriously need to work on putting more personal information on baseball players on your website. How can I ridicule Oswalt into accepting our offer if I don’t know his character weaknesses and dating history????

Your pitching flaw, at least, is evident.

Oswalt is currently considered to be among the elite pitchers in the National League.

The NATIONAL League. Yeah. That kind of doesn’t count, Roy Oswalt. The ALE is a whole different ballgame. Esp now. Hmmm. I don’t blame you for the wide-eyed fear you probably feel. But you’ll like Boston, Roy. You really will. I mean, I’m not in Boston, a flaw with the city that haunts Kevin Youkilis to this day, but there are other neat things. Like bars. And your new teammates like beer, apparently, so you’ll never Happy Hour alone. Oh! And Boston is the setting of Cheers, like, the greatest show of all time. So you’ll always have Ted Danson. And you could jog along the Cape with a puppy and pretend you’re a Kennedy. See? So many great things about Boston. And there’s, apparently, a Cheesecake Factory. Oh, and maybe you’d get to meet Mitt Romney.

Now that I have swayed you, you should really call Benny C back asap. Before he goes bargain binning and gets like seven more mediocre versions of you. Because he’ll do it. Just ask Jed Lowrie.

And I know how difficult this is, Roy. I have a lucrative job offer on the table too. I get it. But, see, it doesn’t get any better than Boston. Just ask David Ortiz.

Edwin Jackson, Wiki says, was born in Germany. Okay. But he’s an American professional baseball player. His father was a German army cook, see. Okay. In 2011, he was both a White Sox and a Cardinal. Mmm-K. He threw a no-hitter in 2010.

There was a time when Jackson was regarded as one of the premiere pitching prospects in baseball (after posting sub-4.00 ERAs in AA and the majors at age 19 in 2003), but poor showings in AAA and MLB after that season ended his status as a “can’t-miss” prospect.[citation needed] He made his major league debut on September 9, 2003, his 20th birthday. In that game, he pitched 6 innings, giving up just one run and out-pitched Cy Young Award winner Randy Johnson to earn his first career major league victory.

He tied with James Shields to lead Tampa to 14 victories in 2008

Jackson is one of a minority of MLB starting pitchers who relies almost exclusively on two pitches, a mid-90’s fastball and an effective power slider.[12].

No interesting personal info, wikipedia? None at all? How are we supposed to make a judgment on numbers alone?!

On July 29, 2011, Edwin Jackson pitched his first game as a Cardinal and threw 7 strong innings, leading St. Louis to a blowout win over their rivals the Chicago Cubs.

Jackson isn’t as good as Roy Oswalt, and maybe not as good as Gavin Floyd, but at this stage, he likely would be cheaper than either: Oswalt is reportedly looking for around $8 million per year, and Floyd, while inexpensive monetarily in terms of the luxury tax, will cost the team in prospects. At the least, he is durable, averaging 208 innings per year over the last three years, and 202 over the last four, and his ERA+ since he left Tampa Bay is an above-average 108.

For a guy who has been traded six times, the 28-year-old Jackson has pretty good numbers (a fWAR of 11.2 the last three seasons) and is a decent bet to produce a good season. But he’s also a Scott Boras client.