Thursday, January 29, 2009

I was at my friend JT's house the other night when he told me this story. The hows and why of him telling me this story are also funny but not as funny as the actual story. I will do my best to tell the story accurately but I may embellish a bit so it makes sense.

A long time ago JT had his first baby and he was discussing the whole diaper changing situation with his brother DP. DP started talking about how awesome baby wipes are for cleaning almost everything. Now DP's kid was little older than JT's kid and DP kept wipes in his bathroom for potty training purposes. DP then told JT that he uses baby wipes on himself when he has a hard time cleaning himself after, well, using the toilet.

"You know how sometimes, after you go, you just don't feel like you are getting your butt completely clean?" DP said to JT. "I use a baby wipe and I feel so much better."

Yes, guys, especially brothers who at one point shared a bathroom, do talk about bathroom habits, the good, the bad, the ugly.

JT made a mental note of this bit of fatherly/brotherly advice.

A few weeks later JT used the bathroom and did not feel like toilet paper was doing a good enough job. He noticed that his wife left a new container of wipes in the bathroom and so he decided to try DP's advice. He opened the container of wipes and wiped himself. He immediately felt an intense burning sensation that did not subside for a few minutes. The pain was so bad that his forehead started to sweat. JT thought to himself, "WOW! DP must be a serious trooper or really need to feel clean to go through this kind of pain." JT never considered that the wipes could cause a baby pain.

Later that night JT's wife asked JT if he opened the wipes in the bathroom. He told her that he did.

"What did you use them for?" she asked.

JT felt a little weird but then told her about his conversation with DP and that he used the new wipes to clean his own butt.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Lauren and I often argue over the TV. We rarely argue over what we watch together. No, we argue over what one watches while the other one is asleep. See this post from two years ago.

We both like to fall asleep watching TV. Lauren usually goes to bed and is asleep before me. She falls asleep to home improvement or medical shows and occasionally a bad reality show. The first thing I do, when I get into bed, is change the channel to either the Discovery, History or the Military channel. I watch shows like Mythbusters, History's Mysteries, Future Weapons and Monster Hunters. I like to fall asleep to things blowing up or to stories about UFOs or Bigfoot or Nostradamus and the end of the world.

Lauren hates this. The shows I watch as I fall asleep often run repeats in the middle of the night. The stories and music often infiltrate her dreams and give Lauren nightmares. She wakes up anxious and upset. She fumbles around looking for the remote and will mutter about the type of shows I watch. She always questions my choice of late night shows and asks how they don't bother me while I sleep. How I could not have dreams of hauntings or alien abductions or of Bigfoot chasing me was beyond her.

This past weekend we both went to bed at the same time and discussed what channel would be on the TV as we fell asleep. I wanted to watch a movie on TNT or TBS and she wanted to watch Bridget Jones Diary on the Oxygen channel. Now that she is nursing Jackson and does not sleep for long periods of time I agreed to watch the Oxygen channel. I fell asleep first.

I woke up at three in the morning feeling anxious. The show on the TV was infiltrating my dreams. I could hear the TV and I could not believe what I was listening to. What the hell was Lauren watching? I leaned over but she was fast asleep. I fumbled around for my glasses so I could see what the women on the television were discussing. Here is a link for the show that was on.

Apparently the Oxygen Channel turns into a sex toy QVC in the middle of the night selling various plugs and vibrators. I am not a prude but I found the whole thing disturbing. Bigfoot now has a new meaning in my dreams.

This morning, as I was writing, I told Lauren the topic of this post.

She laughed and asked, "Is that why there was Google search for Dildo on the computer?"

Monday, January 26, 2009

Wyatt and Maxfield were watching me prepare dinner. I pulled the tray of thick cut fries from the broiler and placed them on the counter. As I turned to close the oven door I caught my hip on the corner of the counter and I winced and yelped in pain. Both kids cracked up laughing.

To make sure the fries were done I took one off the tray and I bit into it. I winced and made a strange noise when I burnt the roof of my mouth and spit I out the fry. Maxfield and Wyatt cracked up again with some serious belly laughs.

I suddenly had a moment of clarity and discovered a universal truth. Boys will always laugh at their father getting hurt. Okay, maybe not always, but 9 out of 10 times it is funny. Once a kid gets a little older and realizes that it may be inappropriate to laugh it usually makes it that much more funny. Also there is a direct correlation of the quality of the funny based on the frustration factor of the father.

I remember my dad getting so frustrated trying to put a chain back on a bike. Sweat was dripping from his nose and he was muttering under his breath and when the chain finally caught, it caught his hand in the cog. I had to cover my mouth not to laugh out loud. It was like I had the church giggles. When he asked me to hand him a wrench, I couldn't do it, I was fighting the laughter so hard.

I sat down with Max and Wyatt to eat dinner, feeling sad because I was missing my dad (he has been gone a year now) when I had another realization. Another factor that increases the humor of a dad getting hurt is just how public the injury incident or slip and fall or hitting his hand with a hammer is.

Many years ago my siblings and I sent my dad to the PhilliesPhantasy spring training camp in Clearwater Florida. My dad spent a week in a Phillies uniform, training and playing baseball with real pros like John Kruk and Mitch Williams. My brother Jim went down with a video camera to make sure the rest of us could see my dad in action. I think what Jim was trying to capture was the fun my dad was having playing in the big leagues. What he did catch on the video, was my dad, after hitting a single, take a header, tripping over first base. We must have watched that video a hundred times, laughing hysterically every time.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I have been thinking about a theory of mine about being cool. Cool as in hip and popular and confident.

When it was just Maxfield and Wyatt I noticed it. Now that Jackson is here I notice it even more. When it comes to brothers, there is only so much cool to go around. It is like one brother is the cool magnet and the others look like dorks.

The cool factor can shift to another brother. The coolness passes from one to the other, but never does more than one brother have the same level of being cool. One dominates and the others just do not look as good.

In an effort to illustrate my theory that one brother is always cooler than the other brothers I will use famous brothers as examples.

Jimmy Carter and Billy Carter. Being the President of the United States is cool. Being a hard drinking partyer who pisses on a runway, like a rock star, in full view of the dignitaries and the press and having a beer named after you, cooler.

Beau and Jeff Bridges- Beau is an actor who does many supporting roles for both TV and film usually playing someones dad or hard ass neighbor. Being an actor is cool. Jeff Bridges is a four time Oscar nominated actor who has been in films like Iron Man and the Contender and he played the Dude in the Big Lebowski. Cooler.

Ron Howard and Clint Howard-Ron Howard is a famous actor and Oscar winning director who has directed films such as Night Shift (one of the best films of all time), Apollo 13 and The DaVinci Code. Very Cool. Clint Howard...well..is Clint Howard.

Peyton Manning and Eli Manning- This is a good example of the coolness shifting. Both brothers are NFL quarterbacks making millions of dollars. Cool right? Except that Eli always looked like a whiny dork and Peyton always looked real smooth and funny in his TV commercials. Peyton is a future hall of fame QB with great TV commercials and he won the Super Bowl in 2007. Then the coolness shifted. In 2008 Eli won the Superbowl while Peyton looked like a dork. Then there is the other brother Cooper. Who? Cooper. That's right, the other two brothers sucked up all the coolness.

Another good example of the coolness factor shifting from one brother to the next is Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez. While one has a breakout movie or hit TV show the other is floundering in hookers and drugs. The coolness shifts and then the other brother has a hit and the other falls off the face of the earth. It proves my theory.

There are many famous brothers and when you think of them, one sticks out in your mind over the others. Jackson 5, Osmonds, David and Shaun Cassidy, Ben and Casey Afleck, Luke and Owen Wilson, Baldwin brothers, Bacon brothers.

Looking at my own siblings the coolness theory holds true. Sure, some of us excelled at certain areas or have different talents but for the most part, only one of us was cooler than the others at any given time. There have been many shifts over the years from one brother to the next but never were any two just as cool as each other.

I know at some point, when sibling rivalry starts to get more intense, I am going to have to have this discussion with my kids.

No more than one brother can be equal cool as the other at any given time. Am I off base with this theory? I am looking for opinions and counter points.

Monday, January 19, 2009

I grabbed the box of Moon Sand off the shelf at Target. Santa needed one more gift for Wyatt to balance out all the gifts between the two boys. I thought to myself “Perfect. Moldable sand. A gift that is for Wyatt but that both boys can use.”

The box contained orange and red Moon Sand and a couple of molds. I read the box. It said “Molds like dough. Never dries out. Cleans up easily and won’t stick or stain.” I picked up an extra container of blue and green Moon Sand so they would have more to play with.

I showed it to Lauren when I got home from shopping. She gave me the Are you sure? look. You know the look that says “You are going to be sorry about this.” The Are you sure look is normally a precursor to the I told you so look. I told her I thought the stuff looked cool and that it would be fun to play with. She gave me the Are you sure look again and we left it at that.

A day or two after Christmas, Maxfield and Wyatt were very excited to play with the Moon Sand. As soon as I opened the first package of orange sand I knew I was in trouble. The key word in the product's name is Sand.

I repeat, SAND.

Does it mold? Sure. It molds into the fingernails of small boys. It molds into the cracks and crevices of the faux tile floor. It molds into all the wrinkles and folds of clothing.

Is it easy to clean up? Sure if you have a vacuum cleaner with a replaceable Hepa filter or a power washer that can be used indoors.

After 20 minutes of playing with, and 40 minutes of cleaning up the Moon Sand I decided the best place to store the product would be out in the garage. I put it behind the containers of gas and pesticides and weed killers. All the stuff the kids know they are not allowed to touch.

I told Lauren about the hiding spot just in case the kids ask for it again. She spared me the I told you so look.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The best pizza I have ever had was from Domino's. I know that sounds weird, since I live in the northeast part of the country where there are thousands of pizza shops that would have better pizza than Domino's, but it is true.

It was on a Thursday, the third week of June, the summer of 1988, Ocean City NJ. I was celebrating graduating from high school by spending a week at the shore with some friends. I had blown my food budget for the week by Monday and I had only consumed beer, pretzels and maybe some chips for the past three days, when I decided to take some of my beer money and buy a pizza. Domino's was the closest place. It was real good. I think my buddy Tobes and maybe Goose would agree with me.

When Lauren gave birth to Maxfield almost 5 years ago, our neighbor dropped off a plate of Chicken Cacciatore. I do not like Chicken Cacciatore but after that first night at the hospital, when I got home, I scarfed that chicken down. One of the best meals I have ever had.

I tell the first two stories because they are about meals that came at the right moment and ones I will never forget.

Just like the next one.

Our friend Lori dropped off a Lasagna on Monday. Her kindness and generosity always surprise me. Not because she is not normally kind or generous but because she is always kind and generous and nice. She truly is one of the nicest people I know. Anyway, her Lasagna, awesome.How do I know? Besides the fact that I ate it and it was delicious, Wyatt who does not eat anything, ever, cleaned his plate and asked for seconds. And he ate the seconds. Wyatt asking for seconds is one of the highest compliments I think a chef could get. Lori, thanks for the lasagna, I need to get the recipe.

Last week I also received one of the best baby presents I think anyone could ever get. My brother John, the LawnWhisperer, brought over a bottle of vodka and a bottle of gin. His reasoning, "You already have two other boys so you don't need clothes. Jackson is never going to remember what I got him as a gift, so I did not get toys. But you and Lauren, you guys are going to need the vodka."

Monday, January 12, 2009

Like any parent I worry about my children's education. Like most parents, I use the modern tools available to me to assist the kids with their early educational development. Tools like the television, coloring books, music, the Internet and food. All of which, I am sure, are approved by the FDA, ADA, PTA, Children's Television Workshop, and Martha Stewart.

After we watched that video a hundred or so times (the kids now know that gyroscope starts with the letter G, they don't know what a gyroscope is but...) we decided it was time to kick it up a notch and present the alphabet to them with food.

Maxfield and Wyatt both love tomato soup and Lauren thought that adding alphabet shaped pasta to the soup would be great for them to learn more about letters.

What we learned is that the numbers 2,8,3,5,7 are all part of the alphabet. Max pointed the numbers out to us. Look at the pictures you can clearly see numbers in the Alphabet pasta. At first, I thought that maybe we were only seeing misshaped letters. That the 8 we were seeing was somehow a B or that the 5 was a squished S. After closer inspections we were able to determine that the numbers were actual numbers.

Then I thought that maybe we bought a bad batch of Alphabet pasta. That maybe someone at the pasta factory mixed up the pasta numbers with the pasta letters. But so far every box we have bought since noticing the numbers has the numbers in it.

This mix up theory did not make sense because why would they be making pasta numbers in the first place? Who has ever heard of Numeric Soup?The educational value of food in this country surley is slipping.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Jackson has been keeping us all busy. Lauren and Jackson came home on Thursday. I am amazed that after giving birth Lauren has been up and around cleaning and doing other chores. I have been trying my best pitch in and keep up with my domestic responsibilities all the while keeping Maxfield and Wyatt occupied. Jackson was not home for 5 minutes when Wyatt realized the pecking order has changed and shifted. I am now his favorite and he does not like Lauren very much at this time. I decided the best way to keep the boys busy and to get the chores done was to make the boys part of the chores.

They say if you give a boy a pancake he eats for a day. Teach a boy to make pancakes and he makes a big mess.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Last Friday morning, I spent close to two and half hours talking, face to face, with two people, who before that Friday, I only knew from blogging.

I had the pleasure of meeting Bogart From P Town and his fiance Claire. They were in the Philly area doing some sightseeing and they took time to actually drive out to meet with me for coffee. I enjoyed my breakfast with Bogart and Claire. It was like seeing and hanging out with old friends. They are both brilliant people with such genuine personalities there was never an awkward moment (At least not for me. Maybe for Claire, when I mentioned the vibrating testicle). Since they were in town and they like to try new foods I suggested they try some Scrapple. I love Scrapple and I knew it was a regional "thing". I always understood that Scrapple came from "SCRAPS" of the pig.

I do not think I said or did anything embarrassing. What I mean is that I did not feel embarrassed, that is, until I got home.

Bogart emailed me a month or so ago letting me know he was going to be in the area. I knew Lauren was due to have the baby on the days Bogart was to be in town and I told him I would have to play it by ear. It turns out, that Friday morning was perfect for both of us. Once the time and place was set for the blogger meet up I realized I only had two hours to get ready. Normally 20 minutes would be all the time I would need to get ready but I have been growing a full beard and I needed to clean it up a little. I had a Charlie Manson like beard going. I did not want Bogart and Claire to think that they were meeting Ted Kaczynski or Rupert from Survivor so I decided to trim the unruly beard.

One problem: My beard trimmer was out of power and it takes a couple of hours to charge up. I did the best I could under the circumstances. I trimmed as much as I could until the battery went dead and then I let the trimmer charge for a bit more. I trimmed some more of my beard and the trimmer would die and I would have to wait another 15 minutes or so. Once you are committed to trimming your beard you have to do it all. I could not go out with only half of my face trim and clean. Also, I am in the middle of re-doing my bathroom and I clipped my beard without a mirror.

After about an hour and several jokes from Lauren about my "Man date" I decided the beard was good and I let it be. I left to go meet Bogart.

After the meeting I got home and I looked in the mirror and I realized that I did such a horrible job with the beard trimmer. There were stragglers everywhere. Long, white, unruly hairs that seemed to have a life of their own. I could only imagine what Bogart and his fiance thought. The worst part, how do I explain this, when one has a moustache, one does not need to worry too much about grooming the hairs in ones nostrils because they kinda blend in. Now if one decides to trim the moustache and forgets to trim the nose hairs...well it looks kinda of weird.

Crazy chin hairs that were three times longer than the rest of the hair on my face. I will spare you ugly picture of my nose hair and just show you a somewhat tame one below.

This is Bogart and Claire before they tried the scrapple. I have sent Bogart a few emails since we met and I have not heard back from him. Maybe he figured out that you can't spell Scrapple without the word "crap".

Thursday, January 01, 2009

A lot of people use the New Year Holiday to reflect back on the past year and make resolutions for the new year. I have noticed that many bloggers have posted their year in review posts which highlights and links their various posts from 2008.

Me, I decided that I am going to post a Year in Pre-View. Here is a glimpse at some of the stories that I plan to post in the upcoming year. Some of the stories on the following list have already happened and I just need to write about them. Other posts on my preview list have not happened but I hope that they do in the year 2009.

The following is what the readers of Poop and Boogies will get to see in the upcoming year.

A new baby story, a guest post by my brother Anonymous, stories about me meetingother bloggers that I never met before, my 1000th post, Bathroom Begats, my 500,000 visitor, a story about me winning the lottery, Stories about Maxfield entering Kindergarten, I Could Have Been a Contender parts 4 and 5, Wyatt going to pre-school, the vibrating testicle story, being in a play, meeting someone famous, nerve conduction study, how advertisers keep asking to pay me, a book deal, lose 15 pounds, My Dad and the assistant principle, I win fantasy football, Tripling my readership, Poop and Boogies turns Four, LawnWhisperer returns, I write a screenplay, finish begatting my man space, Take photos of UFO,Bigfoot,alien,or ghost, guest post from Momo9, get invited to speak at some blog convention, win an award.

Hopefully this list will keep most of you coming back in the year 2009. I do want to offer up a heartfelt thank you to everyone that stops here on a regular basis. It is always great to see that people stop by everyday to check out what is going on. I have been blogging for close to 4 years now I still find the whole thing fascinating and fun.