1) 12 year old: "What did your mom do when she found the cigarettes?"
13 year old: "She balled me out; told me I could die before I was twenty."

2) A man is cycling comfortably along a busy street and decides to accelerate when he sees the traffic light ahead change to amber. He stands high on the pedals and pumps harder and harder until his left foot slips at the same time his tire catches a sewer grate. He is rapidly shifted forwards forcing him to firmly and squarely straddle the center-post of the handle bars which catch his shorts. The bike is partially wedged by the front tire in the sewer grate but the force of his crotch ALONE lurches the bike out of the grate where he somersaults - bike fully attached solely to his crotch - through the entire intersection. While lying there unconscious, an onlooker can see the skin of his scrotum tightly twisted around the one handle bar with a flattened dark blue testicle clearly seen through the thinned skin.
Onlooker: "Maaaaan, that guy just got SEEEeeeriously balled out!!!"