After all this time together, his raging, evil, twisted, latent monster surfaced and left me in total shock! Talking about it to anyone will only make my nightmare worse if he finds out, so I am venting here, anonymously. I have to have somewhere to let it out. I now know he is a narcissist, but what else? bipolar? schizoid? psychotic? schizophrenic? some other mental disorder? I hope someone can help me answer this and find a way to get me out of here!.

Monday, February 6, 2017

Feeling Sick Ramblings

I am having one of those feeling 'numb' days. I am very sick, so just kind of "blah", too. I had what ever was going around, then it turned into a bad upper respiratory infection, so I am all medicated up for that (home remedies), which all heightens my feeling down and frustrated feelings. I am trying s`o hard to focus on the brighter side of things, but some days it is so, so, SOOO very hard! As I said, I am sick, so this post may sound like a lot of babble.

TL Ogre is being overly "nice" on outward appearance right now. That is still a manipulating tactic. He is all nice and sweet and helps me with something, then makes a subtle, under toned nasty remark and shoots those daring eyes at me, like 'I was nice and helped you, if you say a word about that remark, I will toss your azz out in the street!'.

I keep having things disappear, dishes mostly, ones I really like and enjoy using. If I ask about them, he will lie and say he doesn't have them, all the while getting total satisfaction from that Narcissistic Fix of making me do without something I needed/enjoyed and from the lie (which gives him the control of being the only one that knows the truth). The Narcissistic mind is a very complicated one, but once you get a grasp on their thinking patterns, you can sometimes guess what they are up to so you can protect yourself, to a degree, from their wrath. You really never truly know what is coming next, though.

There is a "feel" around him, right now, that is making me very nervous. Not even sure how to describe it... a look in his eyes, how he holds himself, how he moves, tone in his voice.... just a 'feel'. He is up to something. He still has plans of more fallout coming. It is mostly facial expressions and a look in his eyes, a steely, pondering look.

I needed some medicine for the dogs and puppies. I finally got him to go get it, because he needed to go in to town for some things, too. It turned out that I also need another type of medicine for them, but I have no way to go get it, and he would not go back, not even if I paid for the gas. He doesn't need anything else from the store, so he sees no reason in going. I am having to use a home remedy and hope like everything that it works. It isn't real serious at the moment, but it could become that way, fast, without the proper medication, and it is holding up rehoming the last litter of puppies. He refuses to go back to town (about 5 miles or so away) until his regular day on Wednesday. Yesterday, when I needed him to go, was Sunday.

He is doing a lot of work around the yard, now, (things that we had talked about doing but he never would do with/for me) and he is making sure his butt crack shines bright while he works away! Most of the time about half a foot of that ugly thing shines up out of his britches, with him making no effort to cover it up. Even when he is just a foot or so away from my face, he makes sure that moon shines brightly! Does he really think he is stirring up desire with that thing? Nah, it is disgusting... both seeing it and the fact that he is so eager to flash it at me. He sure is proud of it!

I guess I have random blabbered enough for today. I will try to write more focused and centered tomorrow. Have a good day, all!