Joe Biden Made The Sweetest Friendship Bracelets For Obama’s Birthday

I don’t think we’ve fully appreciated how crazy it is that we have a President named Barack. Like… his name is Barack. Sweet name, don’t get me wrong. I’d fucking kill for a name as sweet as Barack. There was a kid I went to high school with named Rokk and I thought that was a sweet name. Throw a hard “BA-” at the beginning of that? Bruh. That’s a fucking name right there. You meet a Barack, you know that dude means business. The name Barack carries some weight. That name fucking hits you, and it takes you a second to gather yourself after you hear it. Strong name. Strong fucking name.

But the thing is… you’ve never seen a Barack. Like… ever. Find me another Barack in the world (born before he came on the scene) and I’ll eat my laptop. It’s not like it’s a classic black name… or African name… or Hawaiian name… or anything. You’ve never heard Barack before, and if you say you have then you’re a goddamn liar.

And the one Barack in the entire world… the only one… he becomes the President of The United States. from From Franklin to Harry to Dwight to John to Lyndon to Richard to Gerald to Jimmy to Ronald to George to Bill to George to… Barack? I don’t know, it’s just such a crazy jump to me. Yeah we had our first black president, but that was always going to happen. Yeah we’re about to have our first robot I mean female president, but we could all see this coming. But a president named Barack? Insane. Eight years later and I can’t believe it happened.

Wait what were we talking about again?

Oh the bracelets.

Hah… I mean… what a fucking move by Middle Class Joe here. What a fucking move. I didn’t know the preteen white girl vote was still up for grabs, but I guess that’s why I’m not in politics. We’re talking about an entire generation of young women who could grow up to become Republicans or Democrats or normal people who you enjoy spending time with. If you’ve only got a 33% chance of attracting that group, you better strike early. Joe B didn’t make it this far on reliability and charm alone. That motherfucker knows what he’s doing. He’s a party man. And if he can indoctrinate some young women into the Democratic Party with the binding contract of a friendship bracelet, he’s going to do it. These girls are Dems for life, unless they dare break the sacred oath of the friendship bracelet… but we all know they wouldn’t dare.

P.S. What’re the chances we could keep Joe and Barack for another 4 years and just flip positions or something? Then we can run this whole election thing back with Mark Cuban and Cory Booker in 2020? Who wouldn’t take that deal right now? Look me in the face and tell me you wouldn’t take 4 years of Joe & Barack over a Trump or Hillary presidency. 98% of Dems would take that deal. Any Republican with a shred of dignity would take that deal. Shit, Trump himself would take that deal. That motherfucker doesn’t want to be the goddamn President. To actually do shit and make real decisions. Look at him.