A Blog About Solving Common Relationship Dilemmas

Often people think that the best way to heal from a broken heart is to get right back into a new relationship. That can be such a mistake. Entering a new relationship without first gaining distance, perspective and understanding is like trying to cover up a wound without cleaning it out first.

Lost relationships deserve to be grieved. Even if the choice was yours to end it, there is still the loss of the hopes and the dreams that must be faced.

Take time, significant time and go slowly into any new relationship.

While there is no “magic number” or amount of time to wait before beginning a new relationship, think in terms of months rather than weeks. Some experts suggest that you should wait a month for every year that you were in the relationship before jumping back into another one.

Thinking, journaling, talking out loud with a trusted friend or therapist will help you walk this walk in a way that will allow you to come out stronger, smarter and with more emotional intelligence.

Here are some suggestions for questions to journal, think and talk out loud about. Be sure to go through them several times. With distance, there can be new understanding.

Questions about the relationship that just ended.
Look to the relationship that has just ended for learning about yourself in a relationship. Understand, as well as you can, what you did well and what might help you choose and/or be a better partner in a new relationship.

These questions are good ones to ask yourself as a relationship is ending, several weeks after it is over and again several months later. Distance often brings new perspective.

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There are 4 predictable stages that couples experience in a dating relationship. At each stage, there is often a decision (sometimes more thoughtfully arrived at than others) to move forward or to end the relationship.

Some stages take longer than others to go through and some people take much longer at each stage. Unfortunately, some people don’t fully experience and process each stage as an opportunity for personal growth or to make a healthy evaluation about the relationship or about themselves.

Stage 1: Initial Meeting/Attraction

Dating relationships have to start somewhere. The initial meeting may take place over the internet, through friends, in a church or social group, at a party or bar or any one of a myriad of many different places.

Different arenas for meeting allow for different opportunities to get to know each other and see if there is enough curiosity or interest to take it to the next level which would involve arranging a second or third meeting.

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It can be a hard transition, moving from being single and independent, to being half of a couple. In my practice this week, I have seen 3 different couples who are struggling with just this issue.

For the couples this week, the major challenge has been to decide what happens with relationships with former lovers. Many people today form close connections with those that they date. They often have a history together which usually precedes the current relationship. Sexual interest may no longer be present; however, the emotional connection with the former lover can feel threatening to the new partner.

Making decisions as a couple about how to shift loyalties (or in some cases, whether or not to even make that change) is often grounds for conflict. Those who are in the ongoing friendship may believe that it is harmless and innocent and often a very significant friendship. The other half of the couple may be concerned that it will “blossom again” or he or she feels excluded and an outsider even if included in their activities.

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Have you seen that coffee table book … the thick book, the one with the title “Everything Men Know About Women”? When you open it up, every page is blank.

Women can be complicated and men are often perplexed about the best ways to treat them. For help in understanding women, a man may talk with his guy friends … sometimes a good idea, sometimes not so good. He may also talk with his female friends or relatives for help in understanding women … generally a better idea.

In reality, all women are not the same, so the best person to ask advice in understanding women is the woman herself. Women love to talk about what they like and what makes them happy. Some well-phrased questions are appreciated and flattering.

Just to get you started, however, here are some helpful hints to help you in your quest of understanding women and it might make a difference for you in your relationship.

Understanding Women: Top Ten Secrets

1. Women need to feel special. They really want their man to show that they have thought about them, what they want, and look for a way to make it happen.

Men think that women are complicated … well, men can be even more complicated! If men could just be more like women life could be so much easier, at least some of the problems would not be there.

If men were more like women, then when a woman turns to a man and says “honey, we need to talk,” he would not immediately say … “whoops, meeting Bill at the bar to watch the game in 10 minutes. Maybe next month we can talk.”

Shopping would surely be a breeze as well. You could also count on a real opinion when you ask for a comment on your new dress or drapes.

Yes, we would miss a few things. Some things more than others. Women do have to spend a little time “figuring out their guy”. Here are a few secrets to share.

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Dating can be fun and it also can be scary. Who has it harder when it comes to the dating scene, men or women? Not a question that can be answered; however, for women, dating often requires a lot of patience, waiting and appearing to be available and friendly while also having a bit of mystery and intrigue.
Dating Relationships and Women: Never Married or Re-Entering the Dating Arena

Sometimes dating does feel like an arena … a boxing arena, sports arena or even a bullfighting arena! Dating relationships are challenging.

Women who have never married may have developed a style that works for them and a tougher skin that will help them survive the ending of a dating relationship. At times, skills can be well-developed but, more often than not, if there has not been a successful match after several years, a woman may need to rethink her approach to dating.

For those entering the dating scene after a divorce or the death of a spouse, self-confidence and knowledge of the art of dating are not high and women need a refresher course to learn to date again.

Women cannot be passive about dating and dating relationships. The right person will most likely NOT show up on her doorstep. The man who asks her out may NOT be a good choice. Dating is bound to be much more successful if women make a game plan about how to meet men who might be a good match and make choices from those who are compatible.

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A new way for singles to meet was profiled in the New York Times Sunday Styles section on July 4, 2010. This website, with a companion face book page, offers singles ideas, along with different opportunities, for meeting up.

Want to meet another single for a tarot card reading?
How about at a volleyball net?
Want to meet at a local museum?
How about swing dancing?
Interested in joining a local scuba club?

Sign up and meet other singles with the same interests and ideas. This website, howaboutwe.com, which launched first in New York City, has singles suggest activities by completing the phrase How about we…, and users are sent possible matches based on their activity preferences.

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Dating is about having fun and getting to know different people. Many also have an “end goal” in mind, to find someone special with whom to develop an intimate, loving and eventually permanent relationship. This article offers dating advice for how to evaluate possible dates.

In dating, some think that they need to do a “sales job” to convince the other person that they are interesting, attractive and a good catch. Our dating advice is that dating should not about finding someone who likes you nearly as much as it should be about finding someone who is a good fit for YOU. This involves sharing about yourself but it also means finding out about the other person.

When you are just getting to know someone, it’s flattering to ask them a lot about themselves. Most people love to talk about themselves so, sound dating advice is to refrain from pounding them with questions but feel free to ask away as you get to know them.

Your main goal at the beginning stage of any relationship is to find out if you have enough in common to explore a friendship with the possibility of deepening the relationship. You also want to have some idea of whether or not this person is someone that you can trust and with whom you want to spend your valuable time.

Certainly, questions are not the only way to get to know someone. Experiences and activities together can also give you lots of clues. We have written an article on some good questions to ask yourself as well as to ask someone that you are getting to know. Click here to read our article and learn more about suggestions for how to think about whether or not to pursue a dating relationship.

1. Ignore her when she is trying to talk with you. Continue with television, reading the paper, the computer or playing your game.

2. Give her “constructive criticism” about her appearance. Even if you have a degree in fashion design or are a personal trainer, your ideas may not be welcomed.

3. Lie to her. This can include direct lies and omissions, the idea that “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her”.

4. Tell her that you think she might be emotional or “irrational” and suggest that she may be “hormonal”.

5. “Forget” important dates like her birthday, anniversary or even special memories of your time together. The way that you choose to mark it is less important than the fact that you remember and acknowledge in loving ways.

6. Interrupt her when she is talking, point out that she is talking too much or “correct” her.

7. Flirt with other women, especially right in front of her.

8. Spend more time with your friends than with her. Let her know, even if you do not say it directly, that your sports/buddies/work/time alone are more important ways to spend your time than with her. Check your calendar to make sure that you do not have “more important” things going on.CounselingRelationshipsOnline.comCouplesCounselingofLouisville.com

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About Us

We are two marriage and family therapists, married to each other and living in Louisville, Kentucky. We provide online as well as in person counseling for personal and relationship problems. Contact us and let us help you with your situation at CouplesCounselingofLouisville.com and Counseling Relationships Online.com.