“I thought it was strange that we
had Santa starting out here in the Rockies, and heading straight for
Beijing and Pyongyang,” said one senior NORAD official, speaking under
condition of anonymity. “By the time we had him dropping cluster-gifts
on Tehran, we realized it wasn’t the Santa Simulation we were supposed
to be running.”

...

Protests across the world gripped headlines this morning, as even
Canadians took to the streets with signs reading, “Quebec Probably Isn’t
Worth Bombing,” “Please Don’t Bomb Canada, if You Can Avoid It,” and,
“We’ll Do Better, We Promise!”

In other countries, anger was palpable, as diplomats and leaders
around the world reacted to the leaked intelligence. Afghan President
Hamid Karzai again blasted the U.S. for “corruption, greed, and lack of
trust” from his enormous golden sky palace hovering over the city of
Kabul. In Baku, Prime Minister Artur Rasizade issued a press release
asking simply, “What the fuck did Azerbaijan ever do to [the United
States]?” Unconfirmed cables from the U.S. Diplomatic Service in Paris
suggested that negotiations were even underway for some sort of
surrender.