Tuesday, May 3, 2011

And so I chose

This has been the longest time I have gone without blogging since 'above all else:love' creation in 2008. It is not that the end of March and all of April had nothing to say, I was just too ashamed to say it. Which is also ironic ((for real)) because this is also the most blessed harvest season I have ever had.

My life is completely different now. I begin work full time as the Program Coordinator of Successful Pathways of YFC on May 9th. I moved into a beautiful city apartment this past week. I am living with my her. I am graduating from with my MSW this weekend. And I chose to give my heart away.

In the most blessed season of my life, the very moment God and I were beginning to celebrate entering the most exciting chapter of our relationship-- I chose to give my heart away to someone else.

He has been around for awhile. Technically a long while since our first kiss was in high-school, but this year he has been in the picture since January. At first we were old friends- sure I thought he was great but not only was he younger than me, his life reflected nothing close to God's glory. For the month of February I listened to God's prompting to remove him from my life. However, in typical Kerri coping I pulled away altogether physically but instead of releasing my desire for him, I held on emotionally. Then in March everything changed. We both knew we had began to fall. So what about April then, why do I have no link to post with it? Well, I kinda did what I wanted. I fell into my old habits, I let him romance me and began to "need" God less and less.

I am not saying I am a lost cause or he is an idol in my life-- but I did choose and I can't honestly say it was the best one. I really thought I was going to be single a lot longer than this. I really thought my next guy would be a pastor. I really thought I was stronger than this. But then there is the feeling I get when I am with him. I feel young again. I feel so incredibly beautiful when he looks at me, its overwhelming. When I see him, I see hope of what could be. I feel safe and secure. I know it is okay to be honest and be the true me. And yes this is all great and all, but didn't I already have this in God? For real though, I did. I mean I still do, but having someone physically here is just that much easier and ((more fun)) to some extent.

So where do we go from here? Normally I end my blogs with some great scripture reclaiming my dreams for the Lord... but tonight I just wanted to be honest. I had to let you know where my heart has been. Seeing my choice written out in black and white brings my heart so much unrest, yet when I think of our last date I am left smiling.

Here I am a simple girl truly been saved by the grace of God, yet still desires to be desired. This is the struggle-- fulfilling myself elsewhere when I have experienced the goodness of grace. This is not about me feeling guilty because I 'should' be doing something the church told me. This is about me knowing and have already experienced a love that does not need a substitute, yet still choosing to allow one into my life.