Despite what Redtube would have us believe, wild sex orgies aren’t happening all around us all the time, but they do happen occasionally in real life. If you find yourself in the fortunate position of attending an orgy, just remember that there are a few things you should avoid doing at all costs:

Don’t Eat Mexican Food On Your Way There

An orgy is a free-spirited environment where most things are okay, but having explosive diahrrea on someone’s couch is not one of those things. It doesn’t matter if the shit is so watery that it just rolls of off the impenetrable, space-aged microsuede couch. Shitting on someone’s belongings is never kosher. While it’s definitely possible that you may stumble upon an orgy whose crowd is inclined toward scatalogical phenoms like you, the odds are slim. The orgy you’ll most likely be attending is populated by singles and/or couples who are just looking for a good time, and you showering them in bean and cheese burrito shit probably doesn’t factor into their idea of a good time. Therefore, it’s a good idea to avoid shit-inspiring foods for at least a few hours before you go.

Don’t Remove Your Mask

The appeal of an orgy for anyone in attendance is no-strings-attached boning with total strangers. In other words, anonymity is key, which is why people at orgies frequently don decorative masks to hide their identity. You don’t know who’s attending the orgy, and nobody knows that you’re attending an orgy. When you leave at the end of the night, there are no witnesses. It’s perfect…as long as you keep your mask on. The last thing you need is to accidentally run into someone you know and respect at an orgy, because that will only result in a lifetime of piercing "I know that you know that I know" glares and awkward conversations every time you see that person forever. Trust me: the image of a respected associate in a ball gag and women’s underwear will be permanently laser-etched into that place in your brain where terrible nightmares live, and you’ll never get it out. Just follow Rule #3 below (Don’t Drink TOO Much) and you should have no trouble keeping yourself adequately masked while racing to the next sex room.

Get Drunk, But Not TOO Drunk

Alcohol is an absolute necessity for any decent orgy. Liquor relaxes people, increases their sociability, and gets them in the sex-having mood. While you should definitely be drunk at an orgy, you should avoid getting too drunk for a few important reasons. First, the obvious reason: when you get too wasted, you can’t get it up. This could lead to an embarassing experience that involves a limp-dicked, vomit-covered you standing in a room full of dudes with raging boners and chicks looking for some wood to sit on. You don’t want to be that guy at the orgy, and in an environment where everyone’s expecting you to bone them, it’s important to have some degree of judgement that’s still within reach. To truly unleash the orgy warrior inside of you, you’ll need to be drunk, but not so drunk that you’ll bang a fat ugly chick.

Get Used To Seeing Penises Everywhere

This is the downside of an orgy: for every naked chick you’ll see running around, you’ll see at least that many dicks flopping about, so you’d better get your head right (your actual head, not the other one). This will be, by far, the strangest part of your orgy experience, but you should’ve known this was coming when you decided to attend and orgy. Did you think you’d just roll up into an all-girl orgy? For future reference, there’s no such thing as an all-girl orgy, because girls will never think "hey, we should have an orgy!" without some strong influence from a dude. A typical orgy won’t exactly be the Playboy Bunny pillow fight of your fantasies. It’s going to be more like the gym locker room in high school, except if it was coed and most of the people were f*cking instead of snapping your ballsack with wet towels.

Don’t Piss Off Your Girlfriend

If you’re attending the orgy by yourself, then that means you’re hopelessly single, and everyone there will smell your sexual desparation and avoid you like a truck stop toilet seat. Otherwise, you’re probably going with your girlfriend, because somehow you managed to convince her that the two of you should go to an orgy "just to see what it’s like", even though you’re really just trying to get a threesome out of it. If that’s the case, then you may be a little nervous about your girlfriend getting nailed by some stranger, and that’s okay; she’s just as nervous about you boning some other chick and leaving her with the limp-dicked loser who shit on the couch earlier. Keep in mind, though, that even though she’s terrified of getting boned by a random weirdo, she’ll totally do it if you piss her off, and there are about a million different ways that you can do that at an orgy. No matter what, you should go into this orgy experience fully at peace with the fact that your girlfriend is probably going to get nailed by some other dude tonight, at least a little bit. If you’re cool with that, then it’s time to get your orgy on!

32 Responses to "What NOT To Do At An Orgy"

Since my family has at least one orgy everyday, I can already tell you faggots have no idea on what to do in an orgy!

Fact: My parents eat mexican food several hours before every orgy and I can tell you that their explosive diahrrea is excellent. I love it when they shart all over my disgusting man boobs. You haven’t lived until you’ve masticated some of your mom’s shit!

Fact: I fucking love a good piece of man-meat, especially my moms!

Fact: My fatty-fat-fat face is so ugly and disturbing that I don’t even need a mask!

Fact: I enjoy being Phil Jones’ little butt-pirate. And I am the representatives little-old-man-boy sex slave, I just love it when he titty-fucks me!

Fact: I fucking hate Dwight, Pratik, Anne T Christ and 00kla the M0k so I pose as them whenever possible and make them sound like faggots or ask people to fuck me in the ass while using their nicknames.

Fact: I have no life so I constantly come to Holy Taco too see what people are saying about me.

Fact: The worst moment in my life was when Holy Taco betrayed me by posting this:

Hey everybody, I’m a retard whose bent on making the word fuckwit common slang. Unfortunately for me, I’m a fag, and no one gives a shit about me, and I will never succeed. I’m also too much of a pussy to kill myself, so I need someone else to help me. Please.

Hey everybody, I’m a retard whose bent on making the word hermaphrodite common slang. Unfortunately for me, I’m a fag, and no one gives a shit about me, and I will never succeed. I’m also too much of a pussy to kill myself, so I need someone else to help me. Please.

Fuckwit however is already common slang in British English, dumb fuck!

Though perhaps OK to watch a video of an orgy for fap-food, I cannot imagine attending one for a host of reasons:

1. The stink of humanity in the air as bad as the worst odor in the mix. Maybe worse.

2. The ‘ball gag and ladies underwear on a friend’ issue you mentioned is indeed an indelible memory tattoo. But really … does a mask somehow make it less scarring? I think not. Maybe if you are frying you won’t recognize a friend and a stranger similarly adorned won’t blister your mind. Regardless, you will see something that challenges your erection.

3. Rubbers suck.

4. Someone will try to torpedo your kiester and a man will try to kiss you.

5. Your personal belongings are in jeopardy whilst you adventure through the throng of sub-average nudes.

6. Even if you follow all of these good rules you mentioned, someone isn’t. Illusion dispelled.

The people I know who have been (or claim to have been) to an orgy are all people I cringe at the thought of naked. I recommend blitzing the affair, seeking the finest trim there, watch her get fucked for a minute or so, then gtfo asap all while still holding your keys and wallet. Then fire ze missiles later if it was a good show.