That’s Golf! 10/27/31

by Al Pastor

GOOD MORNING. WOW. THE YEAR’S REALLY FLYING BY. “TRUCK MONTH” WILL BE HERE BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. OR, IS IT ALREADY TRUCK MONTH? IT’S ALWAYS TRUCK MONTH SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS. I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO GET ANYONE. MUD FLAPS? SUCH A CLICHE. SCENTED PINE TREE? A GUN RACK’S SUCH A PERSONAL THING. . . .

OF COURSE, I’M DELIGHTED BOTH OF YOU FOUND US. THANK YOU. WE’RE ON SUNDAY MORNINGS NOW. AN EXCLUSIVE PRESENTATION OF SPORTSTALK AM 1300 THE ZONE AND YOUR AUSTIN COMMUNITY CHURCH OF THE INVETERATE DUFFER. (Fortunately no concussion tests.) THE EIGHT O’CLOCK SERVICE. COME AS YOU ARE. THE PROGRAM THAT TAKES YOU BACK TO THE DAYS WHEN THE ENEMY WASN’T PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS, BIG DATA, PEDOPHILE PRIESTS, OR EVEN ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER. I’M OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER WHEN THE ENEMY WAS – yes! “BETWEEN MEAL SNACKS.” SCARY!

IT’S ALMOST HALLOWEEN. THE HAUNTED HOUSE, HOUSE OF TORMENT THING, IS A VERY BIG DEAL. IT’S WHERE YOU ACTUALLY PAY TO EXPERIENCE TORMENT, A NEW TWIST ON AN OLD, TERROR-FILLED TRADITION. THAT’S WHAT GETS ME. IN THE OLD DAYS, PEOPLE SEEKING TO HAIR-RAISING EPISODES OF EXTREME DISTRESS MERELY VISITED RELATIVES. (WAIT, I’M THINKING OF THANKSGIVING! I’M GETITNG AHEAD OF MYSELF.)

NOW PEOPLE ACTUALLY PAY TO HAVE STRANGERS CHARGE AT THEM MENACINGLY, PERHAPS WITH A CHAIN SAW, RATHER THAN SIMPLY BREAK EACH OTHER DOWN WITH HOUSE-ATOSIS, TRULY TERRIFYING CHILDREN, STRANGE COOKING, AND MORONIC CONVERSATION.

THERE REALLY SHOULD BE A GOLF VERSION OF THE HOUSE OF TORMENT. SO MANY POSSIBILITIES. SCOTT HOCH OR DOUG SANDERS MISSING SHORT PUTTS TO WIN MAJOR CHAMPIONSHIPS. THERE ARE MANY SHOTS THAT HAVE CERTAINLY INDUCED SOME SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. THE BALL COMING BACK TO HIT JEFF MAGGERT DURING A BUNKER SHOT LEADING THE MASTERS. I HAVEN’T EVEN MENTIONED THE RYDER CUP. OH, ANY NUMBER OF DISASTERS THAT HAVE BEFALLEN TOP GOLFERS COME TO MIND. REMEMBER, STRICKER’S SHANK FROM A PERFECT LIE IN THE FAIRWAY AT MERION THIS YEAR? MAYBE JUST A SPOOKY ROOM, DIM LIGHTING, AND A DOWNHILL, SIDE-HILL FIVE FOOTER, OR A FLOP SHOT OFF HARD PAN.

ANYWAY, WELCOME AGAIN TO MY NIGHTMARE, ANOTHER GHOULISH HOUR OF GORY GOLFIANA.