Did you know I used to have my own fan club in high school?

This was between 1992 and 1994

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I started it in the private high school i went to and had over half of the student body sign up. I selected all of the offices myself - president, vice president, chaplain, treasurer, secretary. None of the offices actually did anything except distribute the fan club articles i used to write

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I think i made about 20 different issues and I sold them for 10 cents apiece. Due to computer crashes and the ravages of time all original issues have been lost

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The only requirement to join the fan club was that you had to admit that I was funny which was undeniable when i could make up jokes like this: Q: why do people named Will never join the army? A: because everytime someone says "fire at will" they get shot at

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About 6 years later i tried to rekindle the spirit of the original fan club and make more comedy newsletters, this time with the advent of this crazy new technology we know today as the internet. This time i made 18 issues before succumbing to the deep depression that i was mired in since my ex broke my heart in may of 1997

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Looking back on them i still enjoy them. They feel as wierd and mostly untopical as they were then.

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Our very own @tombatten was a charter member of the new iteration. Here's a fan club question he sent me in an early issue.

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You can find all those old issues and more of my fantastic and underappreciated writing of the time. since there was no social media then i eventually stopped since i thought no one cared.

I also thought it would be fun to post one of my old favorite issues. It was about corporate slogans and mission statements, so here it is unedited

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It's Official! This is officially where I normally put the Title (Fan Club Issue #9)

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Just like I promised, this issue of the fan club provides an all new format with limitless possibilities. From now on I can just blather away on a topic, and it will be on topic. I call it "Josh on blank", with blank actually the topic for that issue. Let's try it out shall we?

A long time ago in history, government and business was run without polltakers, spin-doctors, and media consultants, etc. That's really too bad for them, because our founding fathers had no way of knowing that they looked really silly in powdered wigs. Do you know why? Because, they didn't have anyone taking scientific polls of the citizens on any

and every topic possible, that's why. But today, everything is run smoothly and efficiently and major leaders of our government don't go around with coonskin caps or tri-cornered hats. This is all a direct result of corporate slogans and mission statements!

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Every major business and most minor ones have statements printed all over the walls for employees to see. These statements are usually pretty inspiring stuff and really encourage the workers to perform better at their jobs. For instance, let's say that you work at Wendy's and your job is to put lettuce on the hamburgers; there is a good chance that

there will be a sign somewhere nearby encouraging you to do your best job possible with that lettuce. Why how can this be you might ask? Is it because signs encouraging you to do your best actually get you to work better? Or is it simply because customers can see these signs and think to themselves, Wow, Dave Thomas (God rest his soul) really does care about my hamburger, and he wants to ensure that even the lettuce is prepared fresh for my delicious meal?

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Another distinct possibility might be that they are part of a government cover up of subsidies on sign making factories. Without the money that flows in like manure from making mission statements and corporate slogans, sign making factories might all go out of business. And then everyone would have to make their own signs. Think what would happen!

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Even schools can't avoid mission statements. At a recent trip to a local high school I noticed pictures of the "top" faculty members adorning the walls and below their pictures on the same mounted wooden frame were mission statements. These statements declared amazing things like, "We want to facilitate learning and encourage growth this semester

in order to present a positive outlook on the community and we can do this with the help of our corporate sponsor Coca-Cola who has ensured that everyone is supplied with the proper amount of caffeine in the first quarter." At least I think that’s what they said I can’t give you a direct quote on that right now as I have to polish off this newly arrived case of 37 6-packs of Coca-Cola.

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It really is quite delicious and I feel certain that it has the momentum to withstand a sustained fourth quarter campaign to increase visibility of our product to all sectors.

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Epilogue: Corporate mission statements and slogans and the like are really only about a few things. Making money is at the top of the list, getting everyone in line so it looks they are working is also high on the list (hint if you stick to the mission statement you won’t get fired).

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This is because bosses get nervous on their routine inspections of the plant or school if you are picking your nose or reaching for a third doughnut instead of increasing the expectancy of learning in this tri-mester, or acclimating to the climate of upward growth. Uh-OH! Here he comes now! QUICK LOOK LIKE YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING!