~ Midnight + 1 ~

This is one of those stories to savour and re-read and just let the whole ghastliness seep in.

The black humour of it all surpasses the best scripting:

'Devoted' father Edward Goddard (that's him over there looking like some Incredible String Bandista) 'accidentally' kills his daughter trying to 'teach her a lesson' for asking for a late-night lift home.

By God, isn't that what we try to ram home to our kids?

Not to try anything silly

Not to assume we'll be angry

To count on parents.

At any hour?

And at what awful hour did she inconvenience her dad that she deserved being disciplined with"catastrophic head injuries"?

Dreaded 4am?

Dastardly 5am perhaps?

Nope - 1am.

One hour after midnight and you couldn't find the patience to bring her home safely?

You asinine creep - I hope they gave you the news real slow and turned the knife with equal patience at each sentence.

Oh poh poh - I woulda loved that job as you came to.

Le Bon Dieu planned it well there, boyo.

"He was annoyed at being called out at short notice at that time of night."

He didn't even give her the chance to wear a seatbelt for this little lesson.

This is the bit where I started smiling, where I read that Goddard himself had incurred head and spinal injuries and was unconscious for 12 days. That would have been a star-studded awakening.

Can you imagine the titters and expectation among the medical staff? They shoulda filmed it for YouTube; you don't get this sort of thing in the Vicarage Pantomime

"Goddard had no memory of the crash or the events leading up to it when he emerged from unconsciousness." Well, I guess we have to give him the benefit of the doubt there. But what a juicy sight to watch his expression change as they rubbed in what he hath wrought.

Jailed for 18 months and banned from driving for five years? I suppose that's enough to be going along with, time for it to sink in, yeh? But still lacks a certain imagination.

If I was the Beak I'd've ordered the culprit bollard cast in some cheap silver - dents and all - and presented to Goddard for placing amid the garden gnomes.

According to the great Hank B. Marvin, the Shads were 'idiots' to remain an instrumental-only group.

In fact, according to HBM, none other than George Harrison (of the Beatles singing/strumming combo) once advised them to start singing on their records. [My itals]

Well, George was taking the piss and trying to sabotage their possible seeping into the Beatles' own sales - or something like that, but definitely not sincere advice about "singing".

The Shadows were always the perfect vocal backing band of the doo-wop school such as demonstrated on dear Cliff's white trash version of Willie and the Hand Jive.

Despite their many changes and even efforts in the 1980s to go vocal, they were thwarted by the sheer blandness of their bald-tread voices - individually or in their 'Summer Holiday' cheesy harmonies, their vocal chords were completely without distracting character or timbre. They were the perfect foil for Cliff's own somewhat characterless singing and even on their own records, we turned the voice channel down after a few playings.

I remember on Oh Cangaceiro wondering when the lead singer was coming in and then realising he and everyone else had been in for the past several bars, just not made any impression on my ear-drums.

Can't you just see Harrison bursting giggling into the studio with a

"Wait til you hear this, lads - I just saw that Hank Marvin geezer from the Shadows and guess what I told him? Yeah, I said they should take up singing, like, and forget all that Fender stuff and swaying in step ... and you know what? I thinking he fookin' bought it."

23 September 2009

Most visitors' bloggings about the island are suitably awe-struck and not really worth a mention.

But now and then one comes along of particular ineptitude ... I mean, of all the beaches we boast, can you imagine choosing this one? Even calling it a 'beach'.

Honestly, one wonders why 'Preposterous' Jason even left Acacia Drive in the first place.

Kewl Komment: Good one from Sinbad that deserves to hit your eyeballs upfront:

"This 'beach' offers pleasure for wall-top viewers looking for a cruel laugh as dude bathers below get drenched (along with sunbathing kit) by successive waves from passing ferries that can be seen approaching for a good while before they arrive."

22 September 2009

This post started life as a footnote to the Clijsters tribute but grew with every goof by Kunte West as his behaviour at Taylor Swift's award attracted increasing criticism and he himself showed his true colours - if one can use that loaded golli-word these days when discussing a brutha.

Good dissing of Microsoft using old wartime poster

21 September 2009

"Lesson in Tough Love"

I was so moved by the excellent Mrs Moneypenny in the Sept 19/20 weekend FT, I was going to post the alcohol dependency link and tease you in with the section where she addresses,

"Those of you who have someone in their family who is alcohol- or drug-dependent will know how emotionally scarring this is. You love them, you want to help, you try to help, but they are living in another world. In their world, they are not addicts; they believe that they could give up at any time.

They always have an excuse. Something is always just around the corner that will fix their problems – if only they could meet the right person/get the right job/have the right amount of money, everything would be fine. Nothing and no one ever prepared me for the self-delusion of the alcoholic. Every time they say they are going to get help, your hopes rise; and invariably they end up being crushed again."

But then I noticed that the piece is

"Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2009.

You may share using our article tools. Please don't cut articles from FT.com and redistribute by email or post to the web."

And I respect the FT and Mrs Moneypenney and her uncharacteristic piece too much to flout it with my usual expansive insouciance.

So I'll leave it up for 48 hours only for the lucky ones who spot it and can benefit. Then I'll shove it in the draft basket for my salvation only.

20 September 2009

'Flying' but not sloshed

I've nothing against Clare Irby. She looks a bundle of fun, the sort I'd party with any time.

Not sure if I'd risk (or feel like) feeling her up with a g/f like Sarah Hannon snoozing in the next seat.

On t'other hand, the amount I knock back in volo, who's to say?

What truly staggers me is that a "jury of eight men and four women at Isleworth Crown Court, west London, took just 40 minutes to unanimously find her not guilty of being drunk on board an aircraft."

I'm not saying they were bribed, just that there's one verdict achievable by the rich and another by the rest of us.

Gosh but well done the Guinness house lawyer! He clearly knows his law and its loop holes.

Look at the report when it first hit the headlines: that looks exactly the sort of hi-jinx that'd land you and me in clinky, and none too gently handled by the Fuzz at touchdown.

Charged with drunk on board after being arrested by armed police [my itals]

Said to have performed a sex act on the boyfriend of model Sarah Hannon while she slept in the next seat. C'mahn - cabin crew don't have time to make this sort of thing up

Nor do they have time or motive to cook up a cock 'n' bull fairy tale that Ms Irby knocked back "copious amounts of red wine, allowed a stranger to feel her breasts and stripped to her knickers." I mean ... s'truth ~ boobs *and* knickers?

All three arrested by armed police on suspicion of gross indecency, being drunk on an aircraft and failing to obey the instructions of the crew after the plane landed at Heathrow. [Bit hard on the snoozing girlfriend]

Miss Irby and Mr Melia charged with being drunk on board; Miss Hannon told she would face no further action. [I would think not. It's not as if she chopped her bloke's ding-dong off, which would have been her every entitlement]

OK, so La Hannon is "said to have fallen asleep after their drinking session, leaving Mr Melia to become friendly with Miss Irby." So tactfully put - and doesn't that just tell you everything you need to know about men? Mile-high kamaki anyone?

Loipon, Heiress Irby and the lucky lecherous Melia then "spotted under a blanket by the cabin crew, who tried to intervene."

"Miss Hannon is understood to have woken up at this point (oops!), to find her boyfriend allegedly enjoying the sex act in the seat beside her under cover of the blanket." Double oops.

To hell that their drunkenness related only to 'time in British airspace': she behaved like a tramp, so did he. And so did the tramp of a mother prancing about celebrating their disgraceful working of a loophole.

La Bella Bryony Gordon weighs in with her usual wit and forthrectitude.