Archive for April 30, 2015

Temps are a little cooler but no bugs yet, I am not complaining. Last day of April today, next month we are closing on Mom’s house on Lake Gogebic. Can’t wait it will be nice having her wake up to sunrises and sun sets on the Lake. Late start today, I was up late watching the series Banshee with Becker. It’s a wild show if you have not seen it. Well I got to get going, more yard work in store for today.

The daughter asks her Dad, “Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn’t understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.

Her Dad said, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe.”

Weather report is still the same, Beautiful, just fricken Beautiful. Sorry the the no report yesterday, I was in a hurry to get back over to Sullys and keep going on the yard. Behind the rental house it was all weeds, and glass and shingles and old building materials. What a damn mess, but it is getting there. It looks like it may be a nice place for a deck and a hot tub LOL, just kidding, then I would have to raise the rent.

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with ‘tor’ that eat things.The first little boy says, “Alligator.”“Very good, that’s a big word.”The second boy says, “Predator.”“Yes, that’s another big word. Well done.”Little Johnny says, “Vibrator.”After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word, but it doesn’t eat anything.”

“Well my Aunt Katz has one and she says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”

Sunshine for the week ahead, a great time to be in the UP. So where the hell is everyone LOL. It has been slow at the bar, M-28 looks deserted too. Not much going on up here and to me this is the best time of the year, except for snowmobile season. No flies and only a few mosquitos, oh and the wood tics. We didn’t get a lot done over by Sullys yesterday, Becker needed a day off, I picked up a little but then called it a day myself. We started watching the series Banshee, one of those can’t stop watching kind of shows, we went to bed at 3:30 this morning.

Doctor A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper. The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem? The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me.” The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?” The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..

Another nice day in the UP, Becker and I have been cleaning up over Sullys, and we will be back at it today. Kind of nice working outside after being trapped in the bar doing the floor for a week.

Been seeing a few side by sides around, it has been tempting to jump on ours and go see Jane for a Sloppy Hoppy. But we have all Summer for that, at least that is what I have been telling myself all weekend. Roger’s Bar had a poker run yesterday, I wanted to go but we had too much work to do around the bar.

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents’ home.

I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Shrimp cocktail, Lobster Patron, Champagne.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

Beautiful outside. A great weekend and next week looks even better. Spring has sprung, Finally. Now back to cleaning up the mess over at Sullys. The heavy wet snow last November took out the second floor front porch, Lots of crap to clean up, and then I have to deal with the rest of the building LOL.

Follow these easy, proven, 13 steps financial well being.

1. Don’t marry her.
2. Use your parent’s address for your mail.
3. Guy (you) buys a house.
4. Guy rents out house to his girl girlfriend who has 2 of his kids.
5. Section 8 will pay $900 a month for a 3 bedroom home.
6. Girlfriend signs up for Obamacare so guy doesn’t have to pay out the butt for family insurance.
7. Girlfriend gets to go to college free for being a single mother.
8. Girlfriend gets $600 a month for food stamps.
9. Girlfriend gets free cell phone.
10. Girlfriend get free utilities.
11. Guy moves into home but uses moms house to get mail sent to.
12. Girlfriend claims one kid and guy claims one kid on taxes. Now you both get to claim head of house hold at $1800 credit.
13. Girlfriend gets disability for being “crazy” or having a “bad back” at $1800 a month and never has to work again.

This plan is perfectly legal (not verified) and is being executed now by millions of people.

A married couple with a stay at home mom yields $0.00 dollars.

An unmarried couple with stay at home mom nets:
$21600 disability +
$10800 free housing +
$6000 free Obamacare +
$6000 free food +
$4800 free utilities +
$6000 Pell grant money to spend +
$12000 a year in college tuition free from Pell grant +
$8800 tax benefit for being a single mother
=$75,000 a year in benefits
Any idea why the country is 18 + trillion in debt.
Keep it up, your children will pay the price.

Great weather for the week ahead, 50 & 60’s as far as the eye can see. Beware though, it is the UP and we probably have not seen the last of the white stuff falling from the sky.

1. Teaching Maths In 1950s

A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What
is his profit?

2.Teaching Maths In 1970s

A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or
$80. What is his profit?

3.Teaching Maths In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit ?
Yes or No

4. Teaching Maths In 1990s

A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is
$20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2000s

A logger cuts down a
beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing
for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this
way of making a living? Topic for
class participation after
answering the question: How did the birds
and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down their homes? (There are no
wrong answers, and if you feel
like crying, it’s ok).

Making plans for the big move to get my Mom up here, how would you like to be 81 years old and moving to the UP? I don’t know who is crazier, Mom or me. But the thought of waking up everything and looking out into your front yard and seeing Lake Gogebic I think will be awesome. Then sitting at the kitchen table staring at the Lake while Mom cooks me breakfast and we talk about what we are going to eat for dinner……..PRICELESS

A Retired Person’s Perspective:

1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably pissed.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.

6. I don’t like making plans for the day. Because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what ‘s your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

Even whiter outside this morning. About 2″ of that white stuff is on the ground and it is still snowing. That’s OK, spring will be here someday. Next week we are going back to the 50’s.

Closing on Mom’s house is a month away, probably 2 months away from another Lake Gogebic web cam.

A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said, “I want to be a movie star.”

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, “What’s your name?”The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”

The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.”

The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years…you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”

“So be it! I guess we will not do business together,” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

FIVE YEARS LATER……The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed…

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely,

Do Do Do, Looking out my back door! White is all I can see, tree branches look 2″ around. Good Ole April in the UP. Not a lot going on up here, and not a lot to write about.

A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” She then hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

Adam ate the apple, too.

Men will never learn…

One hot summer day, a blonde tied her dog in the shade of a tree and headed into a restaurant. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, ‘Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’

The blonde said it was hers. ‘Your dog seems to be in heat’ the officer said.

Looking out the window everything is white. GREAT. Mind over matter at this point I guess. We are supposed to get snow the next 3 days, but back into the 50’s for the weekend. We have the bar put back together for the most part, just a little touch up here and there to go. Well maybe a lot of touch up. At any rate we are back up and running full blast.