Like a lot of people, one of my first thoughts when I read about Tony Scott’s suicide was whether he had some kind of terminal illness. Now ABC reports that “a source close to [Scott]” tells them that the Top Gun director had recently been diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer.

Tony Scott, director of “Top Gun,” “Days of Thunder” and “Crimson Tide,” had inoperable brain cancer, a source close to him told ABC News.

The famed director died Sunday after jumping from a bridge in Los Angeles, authorities said. [ABC]

And… that’s pretty much all we know so far. People like to call suicide “the coward’s way out,” but getting diagnosed with brain cancer and immediately jumping off the tallest bridge you can find (“without hesitation”, according to police reports) sounds pretty damned manly to me. I’m not saying everyone who gets cancer should kill themselves in dramatic fashion, but Tony Scott jumping off the Vincent Thomas Bridge definitely sounds a lot more mature than whatever I would’ve probably done. I’m reminded of Patton Oswalt’s bit about obituaries:

In the obituaries, no one ever dies of cancer. People always give in after a valiant battle with cancer, or they throw in the towel after a courageous fight, which, statistically, can’t be possible. There had to have been a couple of cowardly ordeals in there.

“Bob Smith died today after a craven, cowardly ordeal with cancer, during which he wished the disease on his family and friends and attempted a pact with Satan which left his basement covered in goat’s blood and four boxes of chalk, needlessly wasted, trying to summon a demon who never appeared.”

I’m just saying, I imagine myself being a lot more like Bob Smith, so I give Tony Scott a lot of credit for remaining a cigar-chomping action movie director until his final moments. Hopefully the diagnosis wasn’t just a practical joke to get him to live life to its fullest or something. That would be bad.

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I was going to say, I couldn’t see this guy biting it unless he had something wrong. His brain answered a page from Kenny Loggins. He’s no longer in the Danger Zone. He always directed the shit out of Denzel, even though Unstoppable was Unwatchable. Man on Fire kicked serious ass, and Crimson Tide is up there with Das Boot. Bummer.

My mom died of cancer when she was 45, and I can understand the whole “quality rather than quantity of life” argument, but did Tony think about his family before he decided to jump? If I had terminal cancer, I would spend every last second of life I had left cherishing my wife and kids…not ending it prematurely. But that’s just my perspective.

Doctor: “So what I’m trying to tell you, Tony, is that chemotherapy is between you and the oncologist. It’s my job to arrange the meeting.” *makes explosion sounds with mouth* *raises hand for a high five*

Doctor: So what I’m trying to tell you, Tony, is we have several really cutting edge treatment options that we can try, but they are risky. If you you precede I just want to warn you that we would be entering the danger zo..”

I’m not wishing inoperable brain cancer on anyone but Michael Bay would have to try and top this, right? He has to cover himself in thermite and ride a rocket sled going faster than the speed of sound into a huge cannister of C-4, doesn’t he?

The most confusing thing about this is that he went directly to the bridge. If I was a millionaire who was diagnosed with inoperable cancer I’d have one last orgy before leaping to my death. Or I’d at least eat shitloads of fatty foods first.

There IS an insurance payout for suicide for certain plans, but only as long as the suicide is past the plan’s “grace period”… sounds so bad, but it’s true. I think it’s like a few years, or something.