A bunch of inane cynical rants on gaming and other entertainment by a stereotypical British person, who is so self conscious he has to hide under a pseudonymn called John Smith (or shortened to Jonith.) Also has a fondness for tea.

Welcome all

Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

Our Youtube ChannelRants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Console Wars for Dummies

Consoles are crap, well the fanboys who go on and on and on and on (5 hours later) and on and on, god that was boring, well the fanboys make them seem shitter than a man rolling around in a Farmers field. They don't focus on the good point on there own console unless there exaggearting it more than Fox news do talking about Muslim Extremism. "The whole of the islamic religeon want to blow you up." And then when there talking about he other consoles they infuriate you with blatant lies about the problems of that console, which probably effect theres aswell (oh no the consoles version of the plague is spreading.) So during this guide i will take you through the main points of each console. No fox news, this isn't a real source of infomation. DONT TRUST IT, DONT TRUST IT.

Ps3 (or we Havn't got a true Killer app, but we'll get one in 2008, no well 2009, oh that didn't work well 2010)

I got this when it first game out and god i was spoiled for choice of games, there was about 5 to fucking choose from, and 3 of them where probably last minute ports from the xbox. Oh but i was promised i would have good games soon, esspecially when the year 2008 rolled in. However me, expecting the PS3 killer apps (yes about 10 games where described as that)to hit me like a bulldozer reversing into an old lady it couldn't see, didn't realise nobody would give a shit about these apps because of Call of Duty: World at a War (a shit game, like almost all other Call of Duty games) which brainwashed people better than Adolf Hitler. However i pressed on, trying to discover what these games where like, heres a small review of the main three:

1. Metal Gear Solid 4- Probably the best game of the three, managing to stand up on story alone, but thats probably because the cut scenes added together ae probably longer than the fucking Return of the King extended edition. It falls down on the online though and didnt manage to drag people away from Call of Duty: Same Edition. 8/102. Killzone 2- Basically Halo if it had a paintjob from green to grey. In the biggest Cliche ever the British are the bad guys, Lock and Load (see, thats an example of another cliche, oh forget it.) 5/103. Resistance 2- A great game, it is built on great shooting events and Cinematic events. It brought about 10 people from the hypnotic trance of Cow pat of Duty before falling so far its legs snapped. 7/10

The main selling point of the PS3 was the free online, which many people thought at first was as buggier as a termite mound, no matter what your connection was you got more lag than a Hindu reincarnating. However this idea was snapped up by people who needed more than one account, e.g people with Families, those who are shit at games and want to start again, oh and people who are just simply cheating on there wives. The PSN has gotten better in recent times and now just feels like running through the sea, instead of something such as Storming the Beached of Normandy.There is one last good part of Playstation 3 and that is the Blu- Ray, making the games look as nice as a rainbow (saying that is sickening.)It also makes the Movies look good but its a fucking game console, thats like saying that the Daily Mail is good (it's not, think British Fox News) to read when its main point in lfe is to be used as Toilet Paper. PS3-7/10

X Box (Or that console with Halo)

Red rings of Death, fucking Red Rings of Death, it makes it sound like the One Rings even more evil brother in The Lord of the Rings, created by Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Barack HUSSEIN Obama and the Legion of Doom, headquatered in the Ground Zero Mosque where it was forged in the Fiery Dooms of the WMDs of Iraq which Exist somewhere, according to George Bush and Tony Blair, oh and so do Pixies, and God. Oh and i'm getting away from the point, the supposed better console of them all... according to the many Fanboys lurking the murky depths of the shite known as X Box Live, tucked safely away in there warm comfy beds, with there mum to kiss them goodnight, before getting out there controller and making you wish the X Box came with a button which would release rabid hamsters on them. Halo is like an attractive young woman woman to them, well something has to be seeing as they won't get the actual thing,any way that was a coincidental segway into a Halo review (is it just me or does Masterchief sound like a porn name.)

Halo (The Series)- In the ENTIRE Halo series (except ODSPEE) you play as the Green PowerRanger, who has been outfitted by a crapper version of Q out of James Bond making all his inventions Steroid Based, except one which involves them putting springs in boots so you could jump 10 fucking ft in the air. Once in the series you play as Some other random coloured Power ranger who as with all the old Rangers is killed off (or Reincarnated said the Magical Hindu.)To me the whole series plays out the same except with bigger guns (reminds me of another game, here's looking at you Call of Duty.)I bet the fanboy's are reading this review in there own words "oh my god halo is excellent, oh fuck me Master chief, i love your graphics and your online" .5/10

The worst part about the Xbox is the paying for online, which feels like a smack in the face after enjoying a nice piece of chocolate cake. And the Online isn't even better than the Playstation 3's,which is saying something. However a game should be able to stand up on it singleplayer instead of it's online, which should capitalize on the singleplayer ,like giving George Bush more places to invade when the Iraq invasion suceedes, Oh.... X Box 360-6.5/10

The Wii or Nostalgia, Mario and Fucking Motion Controllers

Motion Controllers, one of the many things on this planet which make me wish i lived on Saturn, preferably with a few Heavy Machineguns and the fucking Executives at Nintendo so i can release a couple of rounds of Lead into their Housewife loving brains. The words Action and Exiting were probably chucked around a lot in the marketing of the Wii remote, however your cock probably feels them words as well before realising your fucking your Nan and throwing up more thana Bulimia Sufferer watching Man vs Food. This is coincidently how I feel playing the Wii, see full circle just like all you idiots are now going to have to make with your will remote, causing you look like a retard. However as all the other consoles' dicks have fnnaly grown and they have now announced Motion Control this dosn't really make it any worse than the others.

What does however make it worse is the choice of games, almost all of them have been made by Nintendo who are competing with... um, Nintendo. This means tey can make games more repetetive than Daja Vu. This means they can make games more repetetive than Deja Vu. This means they can make games more repetetive that Deja Vu (metaphorically hits head against wall) Ah well thats enough of that. Well one of there many Increasingly similar games it makes me feel like ive Got off of the train into Call of Duty world is Mario, which i will now review to piss you all off.

Mario- Super Mario is a game which is made by the Nintendo Development team hopping into their company owned Tardis and going to a land run by a Brain dead princess, accompanied by her retarded servants, who seem to have made a public holiday of repeatedly hitting your head against a wall . While there they then release a constant supply of Giant Lizards, who seem to pour out more than shit coming out of a man with Bowel Problems. They then proceed to kidnap the brain dead princess, who gets saved by an Italin Plumber (and occasionly his Brother) before eating cake (well mario got some of the Princess' "Cake" wink wink) and not sharing any with the Lizard. Rinse and Repeat and you've got yourself a succesful gaming series. 3.5/10

Other sucessful video gaming series, if you like things made by constasntly milking Nostalgia so hard you solve thid world thirst are Donkey Kong, Zelda, a few thousand fucking samey sports games for losing weight if your to fat to fit through your door, or your to retarded to work out how to do a fucking Press Up. However there not all the same (acctually yes they are) because you get to fit a motion controler up your arse, however i promised not to talk about that, but fuck it. The motion controller expects your reaction time to be that of a man moving out of the way of a sniper bullet. Oh and don't whine about how they realeased Wii Motion Plus too because it came out like 3 fucking years after the original release. And it still has worse reactions than a Cripple with Alzheimers, and I don't want to offend either group by comparing them to the shit of the Wii.

So all in all I think the Wii is like the Barack Obama of consoles, promisingmuch but giving so little... Well it is if you like Motion controllers, which i don't, so to me it's more like little fart. 3/10

So that's it, a comparison of all the consoles which would have taken me less time if a nuclear apocalyspse hadn't happened hald way through writing. Damn mutated rats scuttling around my dilapidated house. Now depart from my presence, I am king of this new wasteland.