While decapitation certainly works to cure nearly any headache, in our extensive experience at The Flying News, the side effects are often rather severe, and can include skin disorders, mood swings, and even hyperthyroidism. So, in an effort to promote public health, we have some gentler and more holistic approaches to curing your headache.1

Some headaches are caused by tension. So it stands to reason that relieving tension can relieve the headache. We don’t, personally, enjoy the classic procedure of having a hole drilled in your head, since it’s difficult to eat doughnuts at the same time.2 Instead, try this simple home remedy: Stick one thumb into your mouth and press up on your hard palate. With your other hand, grab your forehead by the temples and pull up and out. This should reduce pressure and give you some relief from your headache.

Some headaches are caused by stress, which is in turn caused by not going surfing often enough. So pack your bags, go to the beach, and catch a few.

Some headaches are called migraines. We’ve spent some time and effort at The Flying News trying to figure out what ‘migraine’ means. Currently the top three theories are as follows:

‘Graine’ means ‘grain’ in French. The ‘mi’ might be a form of ‘mil’ (as in thousandth), or it could be the musical tone ‘mi’. If the former, it could have something to do with cutting up grain into thousands of little pieces (which could certainly lead to a headache) or to having to pay property taxes (since the tax rate is often measured in ‘mils’). If this is the case, we suggest that you stop cutting up grain into little pieces, sell your house, and go on a long bicycle trip so that you don’t have to pay property taxes for a while. If the latter, your headache might be caused by too much high volume music. In this case, we suggest a homeopathic treatment. Listen to this piece of music for a complete and instant cure.

‘Migraine’ is related to ‘migrate’. So if you have a headache of this type, according to this theory, you need to take a trip.

Our third theory is that ‘migraine’ comes from the word ‘gravity’. So perhaps you’ve been too serious, and should spend more time reading The Flying News.

So, while we hope you don’t have any headaches, try reading this column next time you think you’re getting a headache, and you won’t have to resort to decapitation or drilling holes in your head.

Alterated from a public domain image by ‘Bilboq’, available at http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c8/Head.svg.

Note that this column does not constitute the giving of medical advice. ↩