Saturday, October 2

1. Apparently, they called the Minnesota-Cleveland game after 12 innings this afternoon with the score tied at 5 in order to convert the Metrodome for a University of Minnesota Golden Gophers football game. (Note: It would have been much funnier if they had halted the game in order to premiere a production of Heidi in the Metrodome.) The game will be completed tomorrow. Jose would not have chosen this solution. Since gophers live underground, Jose would have allowed the college football game to be played in the vast catacombs beneath the Metrodome. Wouldn’t that have been a more egalitarian solution? On the up side Jose fears the Twins a little less now before. Any team that would allow a game to be halted for the benefit of a college team can not possibly advance in the playoffs. Would the Red Sox every halt a game so the BU Terriers football team, could get in a game? Of course not. Hell, the Red Sox even ordered the BU Football team destroyed so as to eliminate even the vaguest possibility of that happening.

2. Jose has often said that the Leonard P. Zakim Bunker Hill Memorial Freedom Bridge was worth the $14.2 billion cost of the Big Dig all by itself. That’s how much Jose like that bridge. Also, going over it reminds him of Space Mountain. But now that is ruined forever.

A civil engineer who was Jose’s father’s college roommate told Jose today that a guy he knows who worked on the Big Dig thought that the struggle over the bridge’s name should have been resolved by calling it the "Bill Buckner Bridge." Get it? Because one drives through the legs of the Y frame, and Buckner…oh forget it, it’s just depressing. Now Jose will never be able to drive over tat beautiful bridge, or even walk down the street in Boston’s historic North End without thinking of the 1986 series.

This isn’t a Jose original, he is happy to say, it pops on Google a few times, so he can’t take credit for it. But Jose will take credit for this – following this year’s ALCS, an equally appropriate name will be the Derek Jeter Bridge. Jose will not elaborate.

3. Jose is glad to see Pedro Astacio get one start before the end of the season, especially since he may be a starter for us next year. But Jose reminds the Red Sox brain trust that all Pedros are not created equal. If you lose Pedro Martinez, neither Pedro Astacio, not Pedro Guerrero, nor even former WWF champion Pedro Morales himself could fill the void.

Was that a week KEY 3? Well, yes, but don’t worry about it, Jose is just trying to get his regular work in and keep loose as we head towards the playoffs. Jose does not want to hear rumors hat he tanked this post because he was agitated about not being chosen as the SoSH Game Thread started for Game 1. The way Jose is writing right now, he is lucky to be posting at all. Jose understands and accepts his role as a poster rather than a thread starter and is focused on the good of the team. (Note: Look for the Tony Castrati piece in tomorrow’s Herald saying that despite his comments, Jose Melendez is furious that he will not be starting the Game 1 Game Thread.)

1. They’ve tried rebooting. They’ve taken out the emotion chip. They’ve run Avast, and Adaware and Norton Utilities, but nothing seems to have fixed DLowe Paranoid Android for long. So now Terry Eurona has been left with no choice but to shut him down. According to Jose’s sources, Terry Eurona went into DLowe’s electronic brain last night and began to pull memory cards. Reportedly, as his brain was dismantled, DLowe began to sing Daisy, Daisy or something like it.

DLowe DLowe, through me a sinker do,
You’re half-crazy, we can’t rely on you.
You won’t start in the post season,
For this there is a reason,
In the division race
You kept making the face
Now we bid you a fond adieu.

2. A lot of people have been saying that the Red Sox remaining regular season games are about as meaningful than preseason games. Jose thinks this is absurd. They are clearly less important than preseason games. In the preseason, one is looking to see who can contribute over the course of the season, surprises will emerge, veterans will put their status in doubt. In these games pretty much nothing except injuries can happen. Last night’s game was important only because Tim Wakefield earned the number four spot in the rotation, but what is going to happen today? Will Adam Hyzdu dislodge Gabe Kapler, "The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew?" Is Jackie Gutierrez going to steal a roster spot? Is Lenny Dinardo going to beat out DLowe for a long relief role? Actually, that last one doesn’t sound so far fetched.

3. Was anyone else a little unsettled by the headline of Bob Hohler’s Red Sox Notebook in the morning’s Boston Globe "Wakefield’s ending is a happy one." It sounds an awful lot like Hohler is accusing our ALDS game four starter of visiting "oriental massage parlors." The last thing we need now is another Margo Adams situation. (Note: How was the Margo Adams thing a big deal? A baseball player had a mistress. Was anyone the least bit surprised by that? Did it really seem like news at the time?) Hohler casually throws out this allegation and then spends the rest of his piece talking about Wakefield’s pitching performance last night. It’s just irresponsible journalism, and Jose would hate to see this jeopardize Wakefield’s bid for the Roberto Clemente award.

(Note: Even though there are two games today, Jose may just do one KEYS. After all he needs rest for the playoffs too.)

1. With the sad but, perhaps, inevitable demise of the Montreal Expos, now seemed as good as time as any to talk about second favorite teams. You see, Les Expos were Jose’s second favorite Major League Baseball Team, a distant second after a certain squad that plays near Kenmore Square. (Note: Don’t be a wise ass and say BU, BU doesn’t have a baseball team anymore.)

If Jose recalls correctly, Bill Simmons has argued that one cannot really root for two teams. Jose supposes that this is true. However, one can certainly root hard for one team and sort of, vaguely root for a second team. In other words, having a clear number two team, a team that is liked but not loved, is imminently possible. (Note: Though Jose has never taken so much abuse as the one time he wore an Expos cap to Fenway. The Sox weren’t playing the Expos; people just seemed incredulous that anyone would care enough about the Expos to wear one of their caps.

When Jose was growing up, he tended to base his secondary allegiances on two factors: the residence of a Melendez relative in a city and general ineptitude. The first led Jose to a certain fondness for The Washington Redskins; the second led to a fondness for the Houston Oilers and the two combined made the New Orleans Saints his true number two football team. But these were just a child’s inclinations, not real rules for the proper selection of a second team. As Jose has grown older, he has learned that it is far more fun to hate the teams who play where one’s relatives live. It leads to family squabbles that are far more amusing than disputes about who should inherit the family china. (Note: Though Jose doesn’t believe there has ever actually been a dispute about family china, the country of China or even former wrestling phenom Chyna in Jose’s family.)

The great thing about having a secondary team is that one can claim an interest, an affiliation even, but without the anguish that can result from making a serious emotional connection, the investment of time required to watch every or even many games, or even bothering to learn the names of players. Jose loves the Expos but who plays for them? Jose has no idea. (Note: Actually this is not quite true. Jose knows all of the former Red Sox in their organization. Tomo Okha, Sunny Kim, Rocky Biddle.)

2. For grown ups there are a few basic rules to be followed when choosing a secondary team. Jose will illustrate them using his four secondary teams: Les Expos, the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Clippers and the Hartford Whalers. Yes, Jose knows that the Whalers have not technically existed for a long time, and, if Jose recalls, their arena collapsed or burned down or something, but they still exist in Jose’s heart, and in the clarion tones of Brass Bonanza, the greatest fight song in history. Also, they still exist in NHL ’94 for Sega Genesis, not that Jose has a copy, or a Sega Genesis. Frankly, Jose isn’t a huge hockey guy, so he didn’t feel such an imperative to find a new secondary team, and the Whalers violated almost all of Jose’s rules. Still if forced to pick a new hockey team, Jose might go for the Columbus Bluejackets.

But on to the rules. Well, they’re not exactly rules, they’re more like guidelines. (Note: What is that from? Is it only Pirates of the Caribbean? This question has been driving Jose and his brother nuts.) The first rule is to pick a team that is in the opposite League or Conference from your favorite team. While this decreases the incidence of games between your favorite and your second favorite team, this is actually not such a big issue, as a good fan should always root for his favorite team in all circumstances. (Note: The only exception is if the second favorite team needs the game for the playoffs, the favorite team is mathematically eliminated and losing will help the favorite secure a better draft pick. The last time Jose did anything like this was in a Patriots-Saints game in 1993ish. Maybe it was 1994.)

The second rule is to pick a team that has a sort of pathetic history either due to a low payroll or even better, incompetent management. If Donald Sterling or Major League Baseball owns and operates your favorite team, it must be infuriating, (Note: Sort of like if Jeremy Jacobs…no…Jose is not a hockey guy, he will not go down that road) but if they own a team in which you have only modest interest, it can make the entire experience much richer. Just watching to see what bone headed move the owner makes next can make you feel better about your own teams management, and often it is simply funny. Paul Gaston was a lousy owner, but boy did he look good when compared with Donald Sterling. But even if a team’s ownership isn’t completely incompetent, it is essential that one’s second favorite team have a long history of poor play, and you must….MUST…set your allegiance when they are in a down cycle. For instance, The Tampa Bay Buccaneers would have been a great choice in the pre-Tony Dungy era, but to adopt them now, two years after a Super Bowl, would simply be wrong.

A corollary to this rule is that you may not pick a team with a long winning history for a second favorite. Anyone who’s second favorite team is the Yankees or Cowboys or Canadiens is a front runner and, frankly, a bad person. Even if a great organization is in a lengthy downward spiral, it is still inappropriate to adopt them. Sorry would be pseudo-Celtics fans.

The third rule is…actually there are only two. Two good rules.

3. So with these rules in mind, who should Jose adopt as his new second favorite baseball team? Well, we know it has to be in the National League so that narrows it down quite a bit, but what organization is futile enough to earn Jose’s support? Jose has it narrowed down to two candidates: The Pittsburgh Pirates and the San Diego Padres. Let’s look at the pros and cons of each.

PiratesPros:
--Terrible for many, many years, end not in sight
--Ballpark would be really neat to visit.
-Ugly uniform colors are sort of appealing.
Cons:-Great history as an organization. What’s happened to them is more sad than funny.
--Hate them for whining about the Brandon Lyon trade and pawning Scott Sauerbeck and Jeff Suppan off on the Sox last year.

PadresPros:--Despite two World Series appearances, no proud history.
--Theo Epstein connection.
--Getting better, but still bad almost every year.
--Also, ugly uniform colors.
--Jose Melendez played for them.
Cons:--Larry Lucchino Connection
-Petco Park is among stupidest stadium names.

Wow. This is tough. Jose is leaning Padres right now, though he was thinking Pirates before he made the list of pros and cons. Thankfully, Jose is going to have the whole off season to think about it. But in the event that Les Expos are renamed the Washington Senators, maybe Jose’s new second favorite will be the same as the old. After all, giving yet another team the name Senators, which has brought down two baseball teams and one (perhaps two soon) hockey teams, would be an ominous start for the new team. And for a second favorite, Jose likes that just fine.

Friday, October 1

1. “Yanks Clinch, Sox Futility Reaches 14 Years.” You may have notice that this was not a headline in the Boston Globe today, and “Sox Are Out (And So Is Closeted Pol)” was not a headline in the Herald.

There’s really only one man to thank for this, and it’s not Curt Euro, John W. Henry or even Theo Epstein. No, it’s John Harrington, and it’s time he got his due.

Harrington, often derided for the impressive accounting skills that would bring him praise in other endeavors, was a primary architect of the three division and wild card system that baseball has used since 1994. (Note: Not that it really got used until 1995.) Since its institution, the Red Sox have been in the post season five times (1995, 1998, 1999, 2003, 2004). Under the old two division system they would have been in the playoffs zero times. Even in 1995, when they won the division, they would have finished well behind the mighty A.L. East winning Cleveland Indians. (Note: In real life Cleveland won the Central.)

Harrington tends to be regarded as retrograde these days because he left Fenway Park looking like it did in 1948 and failed to take a modern approach to marketing the team. (Note: Come on the man gave us Wally the Green Monster…That’s modernity baby, or maybe even post-modernity.) Indeed, the little credit he gets in this town is for erasing the last vestiges of Yawkey racism from the team, though that probably has more to do with the deaths of Tim and Jean Yawkey than Harrington’s decency. So unless, he was secretly slipping arsenic into Mrs. Yawkey’s martinis, he probably gets too much credit for that. (Note: And as many commentators have pointed out, should we award credit for eliminating racism in the 1990s. or should we just demand it?)

Yet Harrington had the foresight to see the coming Yankee behemoth and change the rules to protect his team from it. People complain about Tony Dungy and Mike Martz changing pass interference rules to benefit their teams; they laud Red Auerbach and Jan Volk as clever and devious fixers for setting up the salary cap to aid the Celtics (Note: This may be the only time Mike Martz and Red Auerbach will ever be compared except in sentences like “If you took Mike Martz’s IQ and multiplied it by 10,000, he still wouldn’t be as smart as Red Auerbach.”). But affable John Harrington is regarded as an old guard boob. Old guard perhaps, but old guard like Stalin at Yalta, Bismarck waving a red cape before the Gallic Bull or John Silber purging the Boston University board of all dissenters. The kindly accountant saw where the game was headed and saw that it was not to the benefit of the Red Sox, so he changed the rules.

Without John Harrington Pedro’s magic in relief against Cleveland would never have happened, Troy O’Leary would hold no special place in our hearts, Byrnes’ Boner would never have been and DLowe the Paranoid Android would never have crotch chopped his way to glory. Of course, we also wouldn’t have had Tony Pena’s heartbreaking homer, Tom Gordon’s blown save, Tim Tschida’s phantom tag or even Grady’s slow hook.. Wait, we could have avoided all of that? Thanks for nothing Harrington.

What TC says: “He was sulking, plain and simple, as if he were a 17-year-old denied the keys to the car.”

What TC means: He was sulking like a SoSHer denied his/her KEYS to the game. God I hate those people. Why would they want to read KEYS for free, when they could get my sharp insight for a mere 50 cents, and it comes with the Herald’s newest four part expose on transsexual prostitution in Chelmsford? Also, I can comment on sulking from a position of authority, as I have been known to sulk when beaten to a scoop by computer geeks.

What TC says: “He has never really been able to lie.”

What TC means: This is contemptible, his Dominican respect for honesty and frankness have no place in baseball and certainly no place in America. Did I mention that I hate the truth?

What TC says: “No matter what Martinez says publicly, no matter how politically correct he chooses to be, do you really think he is happy about being the Sox' Game 2 starter in the playoffs next week?”

What TC means: Wait, no I don’t really hate the truth, or at least I don’t want to be on record saying that, so I’m going to completely contradict my previous point and now argue that Pedro was lying.

What TC says: “The Sox still have the identities of their Games 3 and 4 starters locked in a safe deposit box somewhere in Western Europe - has someone swallowed the key?”

What TC means: Wow, I’m completely obsessed with KEYS TO THE GAME. Two KEYS references in a single column, I need to be more subtle.

What TC says: “Maybe Martinez was protesting the decision. Maybe he did not want to be out there at all. Maybe that is why he insisted on remaining in the game after the fourth inning, when Francona and Wallace wanted to pull him.”

What TC means: Okay, I said it, Pedro threw the game. He always tells the truth, but he’s a liar, and he throws games. And no, I don’t have any proof whatsoever, but he pitched poorly. And what are the odds that he would pitch poorly unless he was doing so on purpose? I mean, it’s not like he had lost his previous three starts or anything.

I have it on good authority from an unnamed source that either Paul Pierce or retired heavyweight boxer Carl “The Truth” Williams will be on the As playoff roster, so if the Sox play them, Pedro must be prepared.

3. For those who do not look at Jose’s blog comments, he received the following response from Boston.com content provider Chris Rattey last night.

“Jose can you see,I can't attribute something to someone else that came directly from my brain. Congratulations on beating me to the punch on comparing DLowe to a paranoid robot. That's a wonderful thing. Thanks for reading Boston.com and throwing a link up to the feature. It's always great to meet the fans out there.Your buddy,Chris Rattey”

One can only hope that Rattey doesn’t think he came up with “Jose can you see” as well. Also, Jose finds it fascinating that Rattey creates content “directly from [his] brain” with no pesky intermediaries like fingers. It’s very Matrix-like. Do you think the CIA knows about it?

Thursday, September 30

1. Now that Jose is a celebrity, having received a link on ESPN.com’s Page 2 (Note: Acronym for "Entertainment!!!! Sports programming? Nah.") by arch enemy and secret friend Eric Kneel, a lot of people have asked "Jose, now that you’re a celebrity will you remember the little people who made you?" (Note: For those of you just stumbling across this page, a look at the August archives will give you the why and how of Jose Melendez’s rise to superstardom and complete loss of humility.)

This is a great question, and deserves a great answer. Perhaps Jose’s publicist will address it. No, Jose is just kidding,… he fired his publicist after she failed to call him with news of the link. But seriously, who are you to question the great Jose Melendez? Do you think you’re Walter Cronkite? Or perhaps Jim Lehrer? (Note: Yes, Jose is about to watch the debate.) Well, you are nothing but a Pat O’Brien, at best. (Note: Jose actually has no opinion of Pat O’Brien, as he does not watch schlocky entertainment gossip shows, but celebrities seem to care a great deal about him, and perhaps as a celebrity, Jose should too.) If Jose wasn’t so full of foie gras, caviar and truffles prepared by his personal iron chef, he would get up and give you a thrashing. Now crawl out of Jose’s sight on your knees backwards and be thankful that Jose doesn’t call the local constabulary or better yet the sanitation department.

No, no, relax. Jose is just kidding. He loves the little people, or "marks" as he affectionately calls them. But seriously, who are you and how dare you look directly at Jose.

2. The weird thing about being a celebrity is that Jose can’t go anywhere without being recognized now. For instance, Jose was in Pittsfield, MA, the birthplace of baseball , for a meeting today, and before he’d walked in the front door, Jose had probably signed 5,000 autographs, and had to leave a crowd of about 3,000 waiting, many of them children with debilitating diseases. Now all of these people are going to start calling sports radio (Note: Or blogger radio, whatever people use) and saying "You know what? Jose Melendez is such an *sshole. I waited like 45 minutes to meet him and then he wouldn’t even acknowledge my nine year old kid? What kind of person won’t sign an autograph for a kid?"

In keeping with our President’s doctrine of preemption, Jose offers the following preemptive riposte. "Why should Jose sign your freakin’ KEYS T-shirt? So you can go sell it on Ebay for $500, so Jose can make you money and you can tell all of your friends how you swindled Jose Melendez? All Jose has ever done is entertain you for free, and you keep taking and taking and taking. You bother Jose in restaurants; you approach him at the opera; you harass him when he is trying to do something as simple and personal as shoot an advertisement for TGI Friday’s. Why don’t you ever ask "What can I do for Jose?" rather than "What can Jose do for me?" You know what you can do for Jose? You can get him some mohntorte and several gold bars. Is that so much to ask? Now out of Jose’s way, he’s trying to get to his Bentley (Note: or possibly to Bentley college in Waltham, it gets confusing.)

3. In all seriousness, Jose’s biggest fear is that as he becomes more and more prominent, the real Jose Melendez wherever he is, will emerge from hiding, overcome the shame of blowing the 1994 World series in a Sports Illustrated fiction piece, find out that someone is posing as him and file a lawsuit.

Jose’s original theory was that this would be a "good problem," like having six quality starting pitchers or three versions of London Calling. Jose figured that if it ever got to the point that he was sued, he’d already be such a smashing success that it wouldn’t matter. But if someone were to sue Jose right now… well…let’s put it this way…Jose would have to sell about 1,500,000 additional T-shirts before he could hire Johnny Cochran or Alan Derschowitz or David Souter or Matlock or whoever to defend him in a suit over royalties. So Jose Melendez the pitcher if you’re out there, know this. The name Jose Melendez was completely uninspired by you and has nothing to do with the fact that Jose was crushed when the Red Sox traded Phil Plantier for you. As best Jose knows, there is not and never was a pitcher named Jose Melendez. Jose came up with the name because it was a mellifluous group of syllables; as a tribute to his friends Jose, Mel and Dez; or with the help of the "Wu Tang name generator." Crap…is ODB going to sue Jose now?

I’m…do you know who I am? I’m Jose Freaking Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO CELEBRITY.

Wednesday, September 29

1. The neighborhood watch is in effect. Reader wdichtel noticed that an online Boston Globe story by Chris Rattey that equated Red Sox and Yankees personnel to characters in the Star Wars Trilogy, cast Derek Lowe as C-3PO with the following text "Sure, he came inches away from playing Princess Leia. But in the end we thought casting D-Lowe as a fussy, anxiety-riddled droid made much more sense."

Let's see anxiety riddled droid, anxiety riddled droid, why does that sound so familiar? Jeez…that’s sort of like calling him "DLowe the Paranoid Android isn’t it?" Could it be that Eric Kneel has inspired copycats? Jose knows, it is hard to believe that a journalistic institution that has been home to greats like Mike Barnicle and Patricia Smith would ever be involved in something so untoward, especially on the highly credible "Internet," but it appears to be the case.

Jose sent the following email to Mr. Rattey trying to see if he’ll admit his mistake. (Note: Jose also wants to see if anyone else is self aware as Jose’s new best friend Eric Kneel.)

Dear Mr. Rattey,

This is Jose Melendez, Sox blogger (http://keystothegame.blogspot.com), devoted Sons of Sam Horn member and relentless user of the third person. Jose is writing in response to your recent "lighter side" where you put the Red Sox/Yankees rivalry in a Star Wars context. It was an enjoyable piece, but Jose must take issue with your highly accurate characterization of Derek Lowe as an "anxiety riddled droid." It’s not that it’s untrue…it’s just that…well, it’s been done before…by Jose. Jose has been referring to the temperamental righty as "DLowe the Paranoid Android since May 26. Now admittedly, Jose swiped the "Paranoid Android" moniker from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, (Note: And possibly Radiohead), but he cited The Hitchhiker’s Guide and was the first to describe DLowe as a neurotic automaton. Besides, Jose stole it first so to quote Krusty the Clown, "If this is anyone other than Steve Allen you’re stealing my bit."

It’s true. Use this link and you can see that Jose really has been taking about Lowe’s robotic nature since

Your pal,

Jose Melendez

2. Despite DLowe The Paranoid Android’s terrible outing last night there is good news for him. He still has a reasonable chance of achieving sainthood. According to William J. Kole of the Associated Press, the Catholic church beatified Austro-Hungarian Kaiser Karl I yesterday, a step towards canonization. Karl’s miracle was not surrendering in WWI and ending the monarchy, but healing the varicose veins of a Brazilian nun who prayed to him. (Note: Shouldn’t praying to some random King be blasphemy? Won’t that make Kevin Youkilis mad?) Jose figures that one decent inning from DLowe in the playoffs would be about the same on the miracle scale, thus qualifying him at least for beatification, if not sainthood.

3. While the Red Sox appear to have settled on a four man rotation for the playoffs, be forewarned, the Melendezette has a bad feeling about this. As Jose has written before, four is very unlucky in Chinese culture, so her view would be that a three or five man rotation would be preferable. (Note: Jose hasn’t actually talked to the Melendezette about this, but he’s pretty sure this is how she would feel, and in Jose’s experience people don’t mind having words put in their mouths. Really. Though the superstition about four does raise the following question: What would she do if she found a four leaf clover? Is that good luck or bad luck?)

(Note: Jose may be held back tomorrow in order to set him up for the playoffs. We'll see.)

Tuesday, September 28

1. Now that the Sox have officially clinched a playoff spot, we really do have the right to start looking ahead. And yet Jose cannot. He is still fixated on the scene last night as the Red Sox celebrated their playoff birth by pouring Bud Light’s over each other. (Note: To all those who say that the Red Sox should not celebrate a wild card birth excessively, Jose says it was not excessive, at all. They celebrated with Bud Light, a wholly appropriate beverage for a wild card birth. If they win the division perhaps they could upgrade to Rolling Rock. Then once they win the Division Series, they can dump Sam Adams on each other. After they win the ALCS they can dump Guinness on each other. Finally, when they win the World Series, they can celebrate with rare Kelt beer available only in Slovakia the best beer Jose has ever tasted. If they had been dumping Kelt on each other last night, that would have been excessive.)
What has always transfixed Jose about the locker room scenes is the fact that no one ever gets electrocuted. Why not? Jose doesn’t know too much about electricity, but he knows that it doesn’t mix with liquid. At the same time, Jose knows that his walkman doesn’t kill him when it’s raining. That said, surely TV cameras have more juice than a walkman? Until Jose learns why Eric Frede isn’t a smoking carcass, he just won’t be able to look ahead to the division series. (Note: Up next, Jose looks ahead to the Division Series.)

2. According to the Boston Globe, Scott Williamson has been given the next five games to improve his velocity and demonstrate that he can pitch in back to back games, or he will be left off the post season roster.

While Williamson is sure to be disappointed by this news, he can at least take comfort in the fact that his absence from the post season roster is likely to improve his oral health. As you may recall, Williamson’s 2003 post season was marred by an unsightly cold sore that manger Grady Little attributed to the intense stress of postseason pitching. Allegedly, the stress demonstrated by the cold sore was one reason Grady declined to use Williamson in Game 7. (Note: Could we get Pedro to start having a cold sore at the end of each 7th inning? That way the manager would know to pull him.) Without the stress, Williamson can look forward to a cold sore free October, and Mrs. Williamson can look forward to some good lovin’.

3. Now we have to sit through days of wondering which of our aces will start game one and which two of our solid starters will start game three and four. Jose can’t take all of the fighting over it and all of the intrigue. He would much prefer to figure out which game to start Kent Merker or John Burkett or who is the number 2 starter, Tom Bolton or Dana Kiecker. (Note: These are actually playoff starting pitchers from Red Sox history. Sort of hard to believe isn’t it?)

Monday, September 27

1. You know what time it is KEYS fans? Yes, it’s time to start looking ahead. Yes, Jose knows this is contrary to our very natures as Sox fans, we’re always looking over our shoulders, wondering who might be gaining on us, expecting things to go wrong, but trust Jose, let’s look ahead. It’s fun and surprisingly easy.

Jose actually tends to have a lot of trouble looking ahead. If there is something awful or maybe even just unpleasant in Jose’s future, he tends to spend a lot of time fretting about it and seeing anything after it as beyond the void and unworthy of consideration. Jose is actually in such a state right now. He has so much to do at work between now and Thanksgiving that anything after Thanksgiving seems as abstract as a Picasso. (Note: Jose has heard that if one looks at a pointillist painting while on acid, it looks like a realist scene. So here is Jose’s question. If one watched Esteban Loaiza pitch while on acid, would it look like he was pitching well? What about Kevin Brown?)

For Jose the classic example of being unable to look forward was when he had jaw surgery 10 days after high school graduation. Jose knew he was going to have the surgery for about two years, and spent most of that time dreading it. He just couldn’t comprehend the fact that there was going to be a point in his life when the dread surgery was over, so it was hard for him to focus on anything that would happen after. And actually the surgery was awful. Jose lost 30 pounds, had his jaw wired shut for five weeks and even worse, O.J. killed…sorry, allegedly killed, two people the day before Jose’s surgery so TV was pretty much ruined for the duration of his recovery. Frankly, if Jose’s parents hadn’t kept him focused on it, he probably wouldn’t have applied to college since it came after the surgery. On the up side, Jose did learn how to fit about 1,800 calories into a glass (Note: Ice cream and fruit in heavy syrup are the KEYS.)

Okay digression over. Jose is done trying to bulk up KEYS that have been a little shaky lately with bland material about his orthodonture. Let’s move on to talking about Mosey Nixon’s orthodnture!! No wait looking ahead, looking ahead…that’s it!

The first step is to look backward and note that we are six ahead of Anaheim, the AL West is beating itself to death, and we get to play Tampa and Baltimore. It’s like what Ricky Davis did before he tried the under the legs dunk, he looked back saw that there was no one close, so he could make a mistake and still recover. Only then did he go and do something stupid. Got that? Look back first, then do something stupid. Actually, let Jose amend that. The second step is to actually look forward for just a second. See how we are 3.5 behind the Yankees? Now it possible that we will catch them, but it is improbable. Though they do have a tough series against Minnesota left. Well, are we giving up something good by looking ahead? Hey, if it happens it happens.

So now that we’ve looked both ways, lets start really looking ahead. It looks like the Sox probably are going to play Minnesota, which means we can look forward to one of those Shaughnessy columns comparing Boston with Minnesota. You know, winter in Minnesota 10 months…winter in Boston nine months. Advantage: Boston. Jose can also look forward to not talking to his many friends from Minnesota and growing to really hate Johan Santana. Actually, Jose should give you his big scoop on Johann. Despite his first name…ready? HE ISN’T GERMAN!!!! HE’S NOT AUSTRIAN OR DUTCH EITHER!!! So German SoSH poster ossie schreckengost doesn’t need to sweat it, he can still root for the Sox. (Note: Not that a Geman would care if he was Austrian or Dutch, but he’s not German and that’s the important part.) (Additonal Note: Should we end up playing Anaheim, Jose will explore his suspicion that Vladimir Guerrero is not Russian or even Ukrainian.)

You know what else is good about looking ahead? When a KEY gets really long, rambling and off subject, you can start thinking things like "What will be in KEY 2? Maybe it will be a Tony Castrati Transaltor. No, wait Jose did one of those on Saturday. I bet it’s about Ellis ‘Chicken Man’ Burks." Enough talk, enough chatter, it’s time to throw down. KEY 2 now.

2. Wow the Yankees get to choose between Kevin Brown Esteban Loaiza and Javier Vasquez be their number 4 starter in the playoffs. This is what they call a "good problem." You know, if it’s 2003. In 2004 it’s a bad problem. A very, very bad problem, like a termite infestation or possibly bubonic plague.

3. Jose thinks yesterday was the ultimate proof that Pedro Astacio is not ready to contribute anything on the major league level. Even though he’s pretty skinny, you just have to be able to nail Kenny Lofton with no outs in the eighth inning of a blowout. If you can’t do that, why are we keeping you around? Seriously.

1. You know what time it is KEYS fans? Yes, it’s time to start looking ahead. Yes, Jose knows this is contrary to our very natures as Sox fans, we’re always looking over our shoulders, wondering who might be gaining on us, expecting things to go wrong, but trust Jose, let’s look ahead. It’s fun and surprisingly easy.

Jose actually tends to have a lot of trouble looking ahead. If there is something awful or maybe even just unpleasant in Jose’s future, he tends to spend a lot of time fretting about it and seeing anything after it as beyond the void and unworthy of consideration. Jose is actually in such a state right now. He has so much to do at work between now and Thanksgiving that anything after Thanksgiving seems as abstract as a Picasso. (Note: Jose has heard that if one looks at a pointillist painting while on acid, it looks like a realist scene. So here is Jose’s question. If one watched Esteban Loaiza pitch while on acid, would it look like he was pitching well? What about Kevin Brown?)

For Jose the classic example of being unable to look forward was when he had jaw surgery 10 days after high school graduation. Jose knew he was going to have the surgery for about two years, and spent most of that time dreading it. He just couldn’t comprehend the fact that there was going to be a point in his life when the dread surgery was over, so it was hard for him to focus on anything that would happen after. And actually the surgery was awful. Jose lost 30 pounds, had his jaw wired shut for five weeks and even worse, O.J. killed…sorry, allegedly killed, two people the day before Jose’s surgery so TV was pretty much ruined for the duration of his recovery. Frankly, if Jose’s parents hadn’t kept him focused on it, he probably wouldn’t have applied to college since it came after the surgery. On the up side, Jose did learn how to fit about 1,800 calories into a glass (Note: Ice cream and fruit in heavy syrup are the KEYS.)

Okay digression over. Jose is done trying to bulk up KEYS that have been a little shaky lately with bland material about his orthodonture. Let’s move on to talking about Mosey Nixon’s orthodnture!! No wait looking ahead, looking ahead…that’s it!

The first step is to look backward and note that we are six ahead of Anaheim, the AL West is beating itself to death, and we get to play Tampa and Baltimore. It’s like what Ricky Davis did before he tried the under the legs dunk, he looked back saw that there was no one close, so he could make a mistake and still recover. Only then did he go and do something stupid. Got that? Look back first, then do something stupid. Actually, let Jose amend that. The second step is to actually look forward for just a second. See how we are 3.5 behind the Yankees? Now it possible that we will catch them, but it is improbable. Though they do have a tough series against Minnesota left. Well, are we giving up something good by looking ahead? Hey, if it happens it happens.

So now that we’ve looked both ways, lets start really looking ahead. It looks like the Sox probably are going to play Minnesota, which means we can look forward to one of those Shaughnessy columns comparing Boston with Minnesota. You know, winter in Minnesota 10 months…winter in Boston nine months. Advantage: Boston. Jose can also look forward to not talking to his many friends from Minnesota and growing to really hate Johan Santana. Actually, Jose should give you his big scoop on Johann. Despite his first name…ready? HE ISN’T GERMAN!!!! HE’S NOT AUSTRIAN OR DUTCH EITHER!!! So German SoSH poster ossie schreckengost doesn’t need to sweat it, he can still root for the Sox. (Note: Not that a Geman would care if he was Austrian or Dutch, but he’s not German and that’s the important part.) (Additonal Note: Should we end up playing Anaheim, Jose will explore his suspicion that Vladimir Guerrero is not Russian or even Ukrainian.)

You know what else is good about looking ahead? When a KEY gets really long, rambling and off subject, you can start thinking things like "What will be in KEY 2? Maybe it will be a Tony Castrati Transaltor. No, wait Jose did one of those on Saturday. I bet it’s about Ellis ‘Chicken Man’ Burks." Enough talk, enough chatter, it’s time to throw down. KEY 2 now.

2. Wow the Yankees get to choose between Kevin Brown Esteban Loaiza and Javier Vasquez be their number 4 starter in the playoffs. This is what they call a "good problem." You know, if it’s 2003. In 2004 it’s a bad problem. A very, very bad problem, like a termite infestation or possibly bubonic plague.

3. Jose thinks yesterday was the ultimate proof that Pedro Astacio is not ready to contribute anything on the major league level. Even though he’s pretty skinny, you just have to be able to nail Kenny Lofton with no outs in the eighth inning of a blowout. If you can’t do that, why are we keeping you around? Seriously.

Sunday, September 26

1. Jose has a theory on C. J. Nitkowski’s miserable relief performance for the Yankees last night. Earlier in the year, Jose wrote about how Nitkowski’s once fine baseball Web site had changed to a evangelical Christian Web site, reflecting the fact that he had been born again. If he wants to express his faith, that’s fine, but he shouldn’t let it get in the way of baseball. Jose has this theory that Johnny Damon went over to Nitkowski and said, "C.J. Nitkowski, it is I, your savior, and I command you to pitch terribly against the Red Sox." Afraid to anger his God, Nitkowski delivered the requisite bomb.

Alternatively, Nitkowski is just a terrible, terrible pitcher.

2. Amazingly, Kevin Brown will attempt to pitch for the Yankees today despite a left hand that’s as broken as the Yankees farm system. The Yankees are addressing the injury by giving Brown a glove with extra padding. This is really a case of treating the symptom rather than the cause isn’t it? A padded glove does nothing to address Brown’s almost unrivaled stupidity. Jose is please to report that the Yankees are working on a therapy for that as well. Reportedly, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has been reading "Flowers for Algernon" over and over in the hope that he can learn the secrets of the remarkable intelligence boosting surgery it documents. Jose, would suggest that Steinbrenner watch some Simpsons as well and then look to see if Brown has any crayons in his brain.

3. A few tidbits from between the line of Shaughnessy’s column today.
"Derek Jeter…and…Alex Rodriguez…trading…blow after blow." (Note: Working blue again Dan? You never seem to get tired of the sexual innuendo.)

KEYS 2007: Still, We Don't Disbelieve Available NOW

Praise... Sort of... for KEYS

"I read Jose's Red Sox posts using Triumph the Insult Dog's accent and they are always 10 times more entertaining.” Bill Simmons, ESPN.com

“Check Jose Melendez’s Keys to the Game, which offers lengthy, funny, erudite pre-game breakdowns — most of which have nothing whatsoever to do with the game — 162 times a year. You’ll be so busy reading, you’ll forget there’s a game on.” Boston Phoenix

Buy the 2004 KEYS Book--Happy Ending Guaranteed

“Finally, an answer to the question that’s been plaguing the best baseball minds for the better part of the past decade: why didn’t journeyman reliever Jose Melendez ever live up to his full potential? Because he was spending all his time composing his milk-up-your-nose, off kilter observations about life in the big leagues. This book is a must read for anyone who is a Red Sox fan, a baseball fan, a writing fan, a humor fan, literate, or human. Put another way: it’s for everyone except George Steinbrenner. Jose Melendez is a genius—the rest of us can only sit back and laugh as he whips another 101 mph heater down the pike.” Seth Mnookin, author of “Feeding the Monster

Buy the 2005 KEYS BOOK--It"s Way Too Long

“Jose Melendez is the kind of fan who makes Red Sox Nation so special. He’s passionate, committed, intelligent, and loyal to a fault. Sadly, he can’t write his way out of a paper sack” Eric Neel, ESPN.com