Overcoming the Parent Syndrome

I did not naturally love my baby son. Was something wrong with me?

“Suddenly my heart was overflowing with love for my new baby,” glowed my friend, a new father.

I crumpled my brow. I didn’t feel that way when my son was born. Sure, I was proud. I was fascinated by the little being who suddenly landed in my life as if from another world. But my heart wasn’t brimming with love.

Maybe there’s something wrong with me, I wondered.

Six months passed. The little guy was cute. I hugged him a lot, but he didn’t do much. It was hard to relate to him. I confided my feelings to a friend.

“Yeah, for the first six months, babies are a bit like tadpoles,” he said. “You don’t really know what to do with them. It’s hard to feel emotionally bonded. But don’t worry. Things will change once they start moving around and developing personality.”

I felt my emotional iron curtain thicken.

My son’s moving around didn’t help me feel love. If anything, my emotional block worsened. Everything became a target for him to be toppled over or torn apart. Every time I had to clean up his mess, I felt my emotional iron curtain thicken. What made it worse was a sense that my heart was unable to share and experience love, a love as natural as that of father to son.

Then some friends came over for dinner, new infant in tow. I offered to hold their little babe.

An amazing thing happened. I felt like a new father. I patted him as he cried, and he calmed. What a cute kid, I thought to myself. The baby was beaming and purring in my arms. It felt so natural. My heart was flowing with feelings of affection.

What’s the matter with me? I pondered, confused. Why don’t I feel this way toward my own son?

Then the answer hit me. This kid is not mine. I’m not responsible for him. “No obligations” means “no stress." I can just focus on his sweet little soul and feel love.

This must be what grandparents feel like as they lovingly watch their grandkids wreak havoc on someone else’s house, I concluded. And I am afflicted with “parent syndrome.”

“Parent syndrome,” as clinically defined (by me) is “an overabundance of anxiety at one’s own feelings of inadequacy that bar one from being able to feel and express love.”

I was in a quandary. I didn’t know if I should be more bothered by my loveless heart, or by the prospect of raising a child who would grow up with a grudge against his loveless, anxiety-ridden father. I decided the latter was scarier. It wouldn't affect only me, but also my child and my wife. I needed to find a cure for the “parent syndrome."

In a flash of revelation, the answer dropped into my head. I had to learn to be a “grandfather.” Why wait another 30 years to appreciate my own descendants. If I could figure out how to act like a grandfather, I could enjoy my own child right now.

So without further ado, here is my “Grandparent List" – seven observations of how to use grandparenting techniques to be a better parent.

(1) Grandparents schedule time to spend with their grandkids.

As busy as life gets, how could I use the time with my kids more efficiently? I looked for misused moments. For example, rather than rushing to get to work while dragging my son screaming to school behind me, I decided to wake up 10 minutes earlier. Now we can leave without stress and I can actually focus on my son, telling him a story as we walk to kindergarten.

(2) Grandparents do not pressure their grandchildren to perform.

When my son was born we bought a lot of “skill-building” story books. I used to get stressed out when he was unable to perform the “age two” skills even at age two-and-a-half. Now I let him turn the pages and point out whatever he wants. When I actually do teach him something, he is much more receptive. He probably feels it’s coming from my happiness of discovering with him, and not my need to see him perform. I let his curiosity take the lead, and it leaves him feeling appreciated and valued.

(3) Grandparents enjoy seeing their grandchildren get enjoyment.

I somehow associated kids having enjoyment with kids being “spoiled." Anytime I’d give my son a treat, I’d make him do something for it. But now I choose times to “do pure good” for my son with out any agenda. I try to quell the worried voice and take pleasure in his pleasure.

(4) Grandparents don’t try to get a dozen other things accomplished while with their children in order to feel accomplished.

I like to feel productive. Anything else I do feels more “productive” than spending time with my son. But in truth, there is nothing more productive than building a human being with care and love. I now dedicate times where I don’t allow myself to do anything else - no computer, no phone – just focused attention on my son.

(5) Grandparents share from their own lives in order to convey values.

As a Jewish parent, there are values I want to give over. At first I tried to impose the values as rules, and got upset when my son wasn’t listening. Then I tried disguising them as stories – and still got annoyed when he wasn’t listening. Nowadays, I haven’t discarded the rules, but I do look for opportunities when I have to tap into a certain trait, and make sure to I include my son in what I’m going through. For example, returning a lost object to its owner becomes a process I share and discuss with my son. The value becomes much more real for him than if I simply told him a dry set of rules.

(6) Grandparents focus on the good – even when their grandchild is acting like a “little monster."

I used to be over-focused on what my son was doing wrong, because I was worried I’d look like a bad parent. Now I take mental snapshots of good character traits I see in my son. I try to hold onto them when he is misbehaving. For example, the teacher recently called and said that my son was beating up boys who picked on smaller boys. I was able to focus on my son’s good heart that felt the pain of others, while helping him understand that hitting is an inappropriate response. Every day I try to review my mental snapshots of his good nature. It gives me clarity when he is misbehaving.

(7) Grandparents celebrate their grandchildren.

I frequently found myself saying “yeah” and “wow” to my son in a very fake voice. He’d show me a drawing he’d made. “Wow!” Kids sense when we are fake. So now when he shares with me something, I take a real look at it and say in a normal voice: “You used green? What’s this big brown spot?” He feels that I am really with him. And for my son, that’s a big “wow.”

So where do things stand with my now-five-year-old son? I can’t say that I’m overflowing with love, but my heart is a lot more open, and my pulse is much calmer. And I know that the more I act in a way that shows my love, the more my natural love will emerge.

About the Author

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Visitor Comments: 10

(8)
Anonymous,
November 15, 2011 4:36 AM

You're doing the best you can

Dear Michael,
I read your other article about how your mom abandoning you affected your life. I think your ability to love got smashed so far down, that, as pop-psych as it sounds, you are afraid to love. In your core, you associate true love with abandonment. I don't think therapy will necessarily help you, because your feelings are what is not being accessed. Just because you make the mental connection doesn't suddenly awaken feelings. However, I think that although you may not experience your feelings as love (which you associate with fear) it is so obvious that you truly care. You care enough to give this such serious thought and are not trying to justify your lack of ability to love freely. You don't want to damage your son. Believe me, a child's natural love for a parent is so strong, that what you are already doing is enough to engender love from your son. So, at the very worst, you were damaged, but you will not pass this damage to your son. At best, you will continue your journey, year by year, and more and more natural feeling will emerge, as he matures and it sinks in that his love does not mean abandonment. Kol hakavod to you!

(7)
Anonymous,
November 10, 2011 2:11 PM

therapy

I agree with the recommendation for counseling- with a newborns and babies making the transition to parenthood can be difficult and the relationship like any new relationship needs time to develop. I applaud your efforts, but I agree with a previous reader that if after 5 years you still have these feelings, I would encourage you to see a therapist.

(6)
Sarah,
November 8, 2011 9:57 PM

OH THIS IS SOOOO MY STORY

I am entirely thankful for your story. I am a mother of six, and yet I also had this problem. I was an only child. I had most everything done for me. I never had to serve others. I didn't have to do too much sharing. I was completely overwhelmed by having children. There were times when I would just shut down and become depressed. I remember going through the feelings of not feeling love right away and of feeling like I was depressed and so forth. It has only been recently that some things have started to change for the better, for me. I am so glad that you suggested the "grandparent" method. I will try that. It sounds like it just may work. I too thought I was just an awful person and wanted to know how to be more loving to my children. I have been praying for this for years. Thank you so much. I think I may have just gotten my answer. It's never too late. God bless you.

(5)
Anonymous,
November 8, 2011 7:41 PM

Excelling suggestions, but there is also room for counselling here.

Thank you for a beautiful article, and your perceptive suggestions about parenting. However, in the extreme case you write about - a parent still not feeling love for their child even after five years - I'd encourage you to consider counselling. It is possible that with guidance, you can uncover strategies that enable you to relate to your family even better and bond with your son. Good luck!

Anonymous,
November 9, 2011 11:14 PM

counseling for parenting

if a parent grew up without love and nurturing, it is very difficult to
show their children those feelings.
counseling would help bond the relationships with their children.

(4)
Toby Katz,
November 8, 2011 4:26 PM

when you give, you love

Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler wrote that when you give and give and give, you naturally feel love towards the person you're giving to. Parents come to love their children because they do so much for their children. Love is not necessarily a warm gushing feeling that just comes automatically. Incidentally in a marriage also, the more you do for the other person, the more love you come to feel for that person.

mkk,
November 9, 2011 11:08 PM

giving in a marriage

if the giving is all one-sided, that doesn't make for a good marriage.
it makes for resentment!

(3)
alli,
November 8, 2011 3:27 PM

Thank you

I am about to become a first time mother and I have been afraid of having this precise issue. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. brave and helpful to read about it.

(2)
Helen Stanbro,
November 8, 2011 1:56 PM

oxytocin

Those "warm fuzzies" that most people feel when they cuddle their babies are due to oxytocin, a hormone that affects the emotional centers of the brain in such a way that we feel good and loving and want to cuddle more and more. Some people have more receptors for this hormone, some less. Having those feelings is nice but it is not the essence of being a good parent. It is the way nature "rewards" us for parenting and makes us put up with the downside of having babies. Your concern for your son, even when expressed as an emotionally stifling anxiety, and your desire to be the best possible father for him even if it was uncomfortable for you and went against your own desires for productivity and tidiness, and even though you got little reward from the parenting experience is a much more eloquent statement of what an excellent father you are. Your son is very blessed indeed.

(1)
TMay,
November 7, 2011 9:09 PM

classes

My former mother-in-law gave parent baby classes to teach new parents how to interact with their babies. When people come from small families and have spent their time in school and in their careers there is no reason to assume that they know how to interact with a baby, any more than people with no background know how to interact with domesticated animals, or even wild animals. Also one can be unaware of one's feelings. For instance if danger or sickness or another threat threatened one's child, the feelings might emerge out of unconsciousness.

Since honey is produced by bees, and bees are not a kosher species, how can honey be kosher?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Talmud (Bechoros 7b) asks your very question! The Talmud bases this question on the principle that “whatever comes from a non-kosher species is non-kosher, and that which comes from something kosher is kosher.”

So why is bee-honey kosher? Because even though bees bring the nectar into their bodies, the resultant honey is not a 'product' of their bodies. It is stored and broken down in their bodies, but not produced there. (see Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 81:8)

By the way, the Torah (in several places such as Exodus 13:5) praises the Land of Israel as "flowing with milk and honey." But it may surprise you to know that the honey mentioned in the verse is actually referring to date and fig honey (see Rashi there)!

In 1809, a group of 70 disciples of the great Lithuanian sage the Vilna Gaon, arrived in Israel, after traveling via Turkey by horse and wagon. The Vilna Gaon set out for the Holy Land in 1783, but for unknown reasons did not attain his goal. However he inspired his disciples to make the move, and they became pioneers of modern settlement in Israel. (A large contingent of chassidic Jews arrived in Tzfat around the same time.) The leader of the 1809 group, Rabbi Israel of Shklov, settled in Tzfat, and six years later moved to Jerusalem where he founded the modern Ashkenazic community. The early years were fraught with Arab attacks, earthquakes, and a cholera epidemic. Rabbi Israel authored, Pe'at Hashulchan, a digest of the Jewish agricultural laws relating to the Land of Israel. (He had to rewrite the book after the first manuscript was destroyed in a fire.) The location of his grave remained unknown until it was discovered in Tiberias, 125 years after his death. Today, the descendants of that original group are amongst the most prominent families in Jerusalem.

When you experience joy, you feel good because your magnificent brain produces hormones called endorphins. These self-produced chemicals give you happy and joyful feelings.

Research on these biochemicals has proven that the brain-produced hormones enter your blood stream even if you just act joyful, not only when you really are happy. Although the joyful experience is totally imaginary and you know that it didn’t actually happen, when you speak and act as if that imaginary experience did happen, you get a dose of endorphins.

These chemicals are naturally produced by your brain. They are totally free and entirely healthy.

Many people find that this knowledge inspires them to create more joyful moments. It’s not just an abstract idea, but a physical reality.

Occasionally, when I walk into an office, the receptionist greets me rudely. Granted, I came to see someone else, and a receptionist's disposition is immaterial to me. Yet, an unpleasant reception may cast a pall.

A smile costs nothing. Greeting someone with a smile even when one does not feel like smiling is not duplicity. It is simply providing a pleasant atmosphere, such as we might do with flowers or attractive pictures.

As a rule, "How are you?" is not a question to which we expect an answer. However, when someone with whom I have some kind of relationship poses this question, I may respond, "Not all that great. Would you like to listen?" We may then spend a few minutes, in which I unburden myself and invariably begin to feel better. This favor is usually reciprocated, and we are both thus beneficiaries of free psychotherapy.

This, too, complies with the Talmudic requirement to greet a person in a pleasant manner. An exchange of feelings that can alleviate someone's emotional stress is even more pleasant than an exchange of smiles.

It takes so little effort to be a real mentsch.

Today I shall...

try to greet everyone in a pleasant manner, and where appropriate offer a listening ear.

With stories and insights,
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