Trump Thanks Francis for Boost in Polls

Yesterday evening when speaking with A-CNN reporter, Dees Astor, Donald Trump noted his sincere feelings of indebtedness to Pope Francis for his recent bump in the polls.

“Prior to Laudato si, I mean, there were a lot of Republican candidates out there, and some of them had a good shot at the nomination,” said Trump in his usual matter-of-fact no-nonsense style, his hands chopping the air in front of him. “You had Bush, Rubio, and as I understand it, Santorum…they say Santorum attends, what do you call it again, oh yeah, Mass, every day, so you had, you had a lot of Catholic guys out there…”

Trump who then waited for a few seconds for dramatic effect while sweeping through his now famous coif with his hands, then continued, “I mean they had a shot, as Catholics in a country that is still-relatively hostile to Catholics from a national electoral point of view, these guys actually had a shot.”

Mr. Trump then briefly summarized the history of the Reformation, the birth of the United States, the Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism, and the secularization of society through the First Amendment and the subsequent (mis)interpretation of the nature of that clause through the Supreme Court’s “Separation of Church and State” jurisprudence. Finally reaching the 1960s he then stated: “So, then you had Kennedy, both John and Bobby actually, and, when they went, that was the end of a Catholic Presidency for a good, long time, I mean that was a clear message as to where America stood on Catholic Presidents,” he concluded.

“But the country changed, demographics changes—we have a lot of Mexicans—and Pope Francis comes along, and America for once is fairly open to a nice pope, and Catholics are fitting in, and these Catholic guys, Bush, Santorum, etc., had a shot, as I said, they had a shot, and BOOM!” His hands go up in the air simulating a nuclear mushroom cloud, Laudato si.”

“All of a sudden, His Holiness is knocking America, he’s knocking capitalism, he’s hanging out with socialists, he is siding with dodgy climate change ‘science’ and trying to change biblical rules not in principle, but in ‘practice’—I mean, how stupid does he think Protestant America is—and BOOM, I mean BOOM, the whole thing blows up. And, what can I say, my ratings go up, His Holiness’s ratings plummet, and he brings the other guys down with him. All of a sudden, the other guys look like they are extremists, or part of a religion that is falling apart, whatever, and, all of a sudden, I am leading the pack, a secular Protestant. It was great. It was great for me.”

“So, yeah, I would just like to thank Pope Francis for that, and I ask that when he comes to New York he comes to see me—I will treat him really, really well—and, I hope, I hope that he continues to go with this Laudato si thing and that he tries to cajole the whole country the way he has done to his own flock! BOOM, I mean BOOM, it would be great. Who else would Republicans have to vote for?! I love this guy. He is great!”