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ROYTERS recently learned that not enough people have dictionaries. ROYTERS also learned that those who should have access to dictionaries do not know how to use them. Case in point, Michele Bachman. At the Republican Party presidential candidate debate (with more than a year before the election, are these really necessary?), Ms. Bachman received a question about whether she is a submissive wife. While some have criticized this as being unfair, I think that her response points to a larger issue. Namely, that the crazy bi-atch can’t fracking read.

When pressed to explain what “submission” means to her and her husband (um, hello, it’s a word that has defined meanings. That’s why we have a dictionary. For someone who claims to know a lot about history, you should know that about dictionaries), she said that it means “respect.” Wow, that’s interesting. I had no idea that submissive, a word which means, according to the dictionary:

Given that these two words are the same, there’s no reason not to interchange them. When the wife and I argue about things, I can now say, “Woman, you better respect to me and do what I say or I’ll shake you good!” Also, when I hear Aretha Franklin blasting out “RESPECT,” I can sing along and say “All I’m asking is for a little submission!” And, most important, I now know that slave owners weren’t having their slaves beaten into submission, they were having them beaten into respect. Always good to learn things.

Thanks, Michelle, for clearing that up and confirming, yet again, that you’re not a total moron!

Apparently, the only thing that ROYTERS is good for is a search tool for “dana perino,” “dana perino hot,” “sarah palin lesbian” and other random searches that have nothing to do with the satire that this site is all about. At some point, though, you have to realize what you are and what other people have made you. Along those lines, enjoy a collection of images of top search engine terms that will make the sick, twisted people who come and read this site happy. We start with Dana Perino.

Now, some of you might say that is not Dana Perino. And you would be right. That’s Kristen Bell. But if someone were to play Dana Perino in a movie, wouldn’t it be Kristen Bell? She’s so fracking hot. Here’s the rest of what you all really want to see:

Rick Santorum, who apparently is running for president, accused school systems across the country of indoctrinating America’s youth. While some initially dismissed this as a typical move for right-wingers (blaming a nameless, faceless institution that cannot fight back and using the lack of response to make yourself look correct), Santorum pressed the accuracy of his statement.

“When I said that people support Obama and socialism because American schools are indoctrinating children, I meant it,” Santorum said while writing another check for private school tuition so his children would not have to interact with real people, “Schools are just out there, letting their teachers present facts and letting students make decisions on their own. That’s just not the way to do things, it’s exactly what Orwell warned us about in 1984, or whatever that book is. It’s disgusting, really unacceptable. Letting people think for themselves, pure socialist indoctrination. This is why the federal government should get out of the teaching business (what, really? The federal government? Where were you when No Child Left Behind got passed?).”

A gaggle of confused reporters managed to ask what the hell Santorum meant and he, for some reason, decided to keep talking. “Look, if people support socialism, it’s because they haven’t been taught the truth. They haven’t been taught about American history. They haven’t been taught to hate gay people, to vote Republican. And I don’t mean John McCain Republican, I mean George W. Bush Republican. That’s how schools should operate, they should tell everyone exactly how to think about every possible issue. But this presenting facts stuff is just garbage and I’ll fix it when I’m President.”

The reporters began laughing at that to which Santorum said, “What’s so funny?”

President Barack Obama, who recently oversaw an agreement that prevented default on government debt and pissed everyone off in the process, is taking his case to the American people that he is a proven leader. “It’s true, I’m a great leader,” Obama explained to a crowd of three people who still support him, “I managed to do something that my constituents hate, that my party hates and that only Republicans kind of like while still hating. It takes an amazing, quality individual to miss several attempts to raise the debt ceiling and to narrowly avoid default in the context. I’m just that kind of guy – the kind of guy who misses opportunities and manages to piss everyone off while doing it. Ready for four more years? Yeah, I didn’t think so, I suck.”

State government police powers hit a new low this weekend when Louisiana took away children from a father who, instead of driving while drunk, let his 8 year-old son drive for him. The ACLU and The Heritage Foundation sent a SWAT-team of lawyers (many of whom are unemployed law grads who owe way too much money to schools that continue to rape students by raising tuition in the face of increasing unemployment and decreased salaries. Don’t other business get prosecuted for scams like that???) to protect the rights of the man and put the Louisiana family back together.

“This is ridiculous,” said brand new attorney John Stepnfetch, “Government was never meant to interfere with the family to this extent. Our Constitution has a long history of protecting the people’s right to have children, to drink in front of those children and to let those same children drive when parents are too drunk to do so. Now, some of you might say that our Constitution couldn’t protect the right to drink and drive like that because cars weren’t around when the Founding Fathers created the Constitution, but to you people I say … Wait, what? That’s true? We don’t have an original intent argument? The government actually can do this? Shit! Then what the hell are we going to argue? Don’t worry, I’ll think of something … OK, I got it, let me start over. What was this man supposed to do, not drink and let his child drive? That’s not safe — he would be putting people at risk by driving himself. Come on, people. Now some of you might say, ‘Why not stop driving and sober up?’ Stop driving and sober up, really? To do that, he would have to turn off the engine and then start it again. That’s a substantial amount of lost fuel. Do you know how much a tank of gas costs these days? Do you know what it costs to stop and restart the car? Hell, it cost me almost $60 to fill up, and I drive a Hybrid! You can’t stop and start, you have to keep going. I’m sorry, but this was the only reasonable option under the circumstances.”

“Now, on a related note, are there any law firms hiring in the area? Because that would be really awesome if there were some …”

Herman Cain, the pizza delivery man turned presidential candidate, is no stranger to controversy. While taking a break from stating that sausage and pepperoni is sufficient without any vegetables or fruit, Cain stopped by Fox News to state that communities have the right to ban mosques. No one took the time to point out that the Constitution forbids this pursuant to well-established Supreme Court precedent (hey, that was a decision that stuck up for African-Americans. Why didn’t Cain mention it? Is it because he’s equally racist and bigoted as most people? Possible, we may never know. Our media doesn’t care about point out blatant racism, although Fox News did a decent job (what the frack?!? Really)), so it was decided to let the matter pass.

After the typical outrage from the blamestream media factory, Cain realized that being a total douchebag with an inaccurate understanding of the Constitution is not a great way to get elected (unless you’re George Bush, then it works out). To rehabilitate his image, Cain decided to meet with Muslims and issue an apology. Here is what we think he said (I wasn’t paying attention. He’s a fracking joke, people! Like I’m going to take time away from Battlestar Galactica marathons for that):

“A few weeks ago, I made comments about Towel Heads that many people found to be offensive. I can see why. First, I should have said sand monkeys, not Towel Heads. Towel Heads is very insulting. Second, it became apparent on my way over here to suck up to you people that you tower-taking-down folks do a lot to keep the economy moving. Your driving us from place to place and doing everything that you can to take us on routes that are longer than they should be resulting in massive over-charges – that’s important. You also keep us awake with coffee at all hours at your wonderful 7-11’s. Those also double as drug dealing locations. It’s a real time saver. Finally, you hijackers also spend a lot of money on fertilizers which is crucial to blowing up … I mean, keeping gardens in good shape. Organic, locally grown food is very important. All right. Good? Good. Who wants a pizza?”

A lot of you may say that Mr. Cain did not in fact say that, but is saying that people can ban mosques in a country that protects the Free Exercise of religion any different?

Gay couples started getting married in New York today. And, according to the sane people from the Westboro Baptist Church, they deliberately chose Sunday to defecate on baby Jesus’ face. “That’s why we decided to protest this destruction of our traditional family values, because baby Jesus strongly came out against gay marriage,” Shirley Phelps-Roper rambled on, “He wouldn’t stand for this, no, sir, he wouldn’t. Just look in the Bible.”

When it was pointed out that Jesus had nothing to say about gay marriage or about homosexuality, Phelps-Roper would not listen. “You people just don’t get it,” she foamed at the mouth while having illegal Chinese migrants make her trademarked “GOD HATES FAGS” shirts, “This is why we have to protest so much, to remind you how wrong you are and how we need to get back to our roots. We’re all about bringing back family values and a common-sense America. It starts with banning Buffy the Vampire Slayer and it all falls into place after that.”

“If you’re trying to bring America back to its common-sense roots, shouldn’t you stop protesting funerals? I mean, wouldn’t the Founding Fathers have considered that a real dick thing to … Shit! Stop throwing Chinese kids at me!” Royters yelled loudly.

Holy shit! Is it just me, or is the news the same thing over and over and over again? It seems like for ten years, I’ve heard nothing but crap about the debt standoff. Obama’s threatening to ass-rape the Republicans. The Republicans are threatening to ass-rape each other. Grover Nordquist is ass-raping anyone he can find. It’s fucking insane!

Oh, sure, there’s some stuff mixed in here and there about Rupert Murdoch being a total piece of shit and throwing people under the bus and people trying to hunt down and murder Casey Anthony. What’s the next big story going to be? Michelle Bachmann’s migraines turning her into a psycho-killer? More and more states passing anti-abortion laws? John Boehner’s face exploding into an orangish rage? I can’t wait. I can’t wait.

Just no substantive coverage, please. I don’t want to learn anything about the issues facing us today. More Nancy Grace. More Tot Mom. More O’Reilly. More Olbermann. More. More. More.

Newt Gingrich is running for president (really? OMG! NO FRACKING WAY! That guy, really?). Unfortunately for Mr. Gingrich, his campaign has been noted only for its disasters. First, he misspoke and then said that quoting his statement would be a falsity (what? How is that possible? ARRRGGGHHH! My head exploded trying to understand that!!!). Second, all his campaign help left (geez, I wonder why. The amount he owed Tiffany’s?). Now, his campaign is practically broke.

“I don’t think that it is a big deal at all,” Gingrich explained to reporters in between bites of a $72 steak and sips of a $14 beer, “Sometimes you just have to spend a little more than you are making. The government does this regularly, particularly in times of mass unemployment or at times of war. Nothing to worry about, nothing at all.”

“But isn’t that hypocritical of you given your position on the debt ceiling?” this reporter asked, “I mean, you’re saying that the government shouldn’t overspend. Isn’t that what you’re doing? I mean, you just ordered a $30 desert!”

“Now, you listen here, Royters,” Mr. Gingrich began angrily, “You violated two rules just now. First, you are not allowed to use my positions against me. I’ve made that abundantly clear. Do not quote me as all my prior quotes are false and misleading. Second, you are actually acting like a reporter. Stop that. The American people don’t like that. They like loudmouth asshats like Hannity and Olbermann. So, stop.”

“I’m sorry, Newt,” I said, “I forgot the rules.”

“That’s okay, young man,” Mr. Gingrich said while ordering another dessert, “Just don’t use that Hannity quote against me again.”

Royters Sports with breaking news. Bachmann and Associates has announced a new therapy where they can pray the black out of someone and make them more palatable for rich old white men. Just like their Pray Away the Gay therapy which has worked so wonderfully for the LBGT community, Pray for Grey claims they can take a black person and make them a more suitable shade of grey.

“James is now much more calm, spending time playing with his toy trains, and King Friday”, said Bachmann. “I even got James to pick some cotton and sing songs about Jesus . . . just like a good black man.”

James for himself was very enthusiastic.

“I need to thank Bachmann and Associates for putting me back in my place, now if only our President would follow suit, and come back down here where us folk belong . . I will let him play with my trains”, Harrison stated to this reporter while zipping up his sweater vest.

Asked whether this meant the end of his NFL career, Harrison stated “No, of course not. The NFL needs James Harrison to clean up the game of football, make it safer, like golf”.

Bachman and Harrison then entered the barn locking this reporter out. I think they were slaughtering sheep by the noise coming from that structure.