Josh Freed: Dr. Josh offers advice on voting, dart tossing

Do you wake up at 4 a.m. wondering if your family will be francicized under Pauline Marois’s new Bill 101 rules for small companies?

Well, you’re not alone. Across the province, many people are suffering from pre-election anxiety — especially anglos and allophones. But help is here! To calm your qualms and ease your “crise,” Dr. Josh will answer your questions.

Dear Dr. Josh: How serious is this? Should I rent a U-Haul today, just in case — or wait till Wednesday when they could be hard to find? — Sleepless-In-Senneville

Dear Sleepless: Don’t call U-Haul. Sure, the PQ is uncomfortably close to a majority government but stay cool.

The good news is there are three separate separatist parties: the original PQ Sovereignist Classic, with new added anglo-fighting-power; Françoise David’s New Improved Happy Sovereignist Plus party; and Option Nationale’s new Sovereignty Plus Plus party — officially certified by Jacques Parizeau. They might take enough votes from each other to keep Marois from taking power.

The bad news is there are two feuding federalist parties — the Lacklustre Liberals and Confusing CAQs. They could split the vote and conceivably allow a narrow Marois majority.

Most voters aren’t voting for sovereignty, just a new government. Sovereignty support plunged to 29 per cent in a La Presse poll yesterday. The more Marois talks about it, the less Quebecers want it.

Dear Dr.: We are recent UQAM college grads looking for our first house. Should we buy now or wait for pre-referendum panic pricing as our N.D.G. agent predicts? Also we hear you have a nice house — interested in selling?

But PQ panics also mean a depressed dollar and rising unemployment. So you won’t be able to afford that house when you’re not working. Buy now!

Doctor!: I’m sitting on several billion Canadian but worried our dollar may sink a bit if a PQ government creates instability. What currency should I buy for more security? — Stephen Harper, Alberta.

Dear Steve: I recommend buying euros, Icelandic krona or Syrian lira.

Help, Dr.!: I’m confused. Who should I vote for? — Undecided.

Dear Undecided: It depends how you answer the following:

When I hear the word sovereignty I think of ...”

a) The end of the world as we know it

b) Nightmare on Greene Ave.

c) Worse than Mitt Romney but better than Kim Jong-un

d) Bo-o-o-o-ring

e) The lifelong dream of we the francophone people

f) The lifelong dream of all Quebec people

g) The Clarity Act

If you answered a) or b), you’re a natural Charest voter. If it’s c) or d), you’re a Legault voter, e) a Marois voter, f) a Françoise David voter, g) a Jean Chrétien voter.

Dear Dr.: I choose “none of the above.” How do I get THAT? — Desperate in D.D.O.

Dear Desperate: I’m a “minoritarian” voter myself. I think a minority government is the best way for us to take a break. It would force two parties to work together and compromise — and give us at least a chance to replace Charest and Marois.

It would give us time to see rookie François Legault in action.

Okay, Dr. Genius: Just how do we vote for a minority? — A. Einstein.

Dear Albert: According to polls, most anglos and allophones lean toward Charest, but francophone federalists can’t stand him and will mostly vote Legault — splitting the anti-PQ vote.

It depends who’s in your riding. Here are the strategic voting formulae for federalists where AA stands for anglophones/allophones, FF for francophone federalists.

FORMULA 1: If AA is greater than FF, as in a Westmount or N.D.G. riding, vote Charest. He’ll win there even if he loses his seat.

FORMULA 2: If FF is greater than AA, as in the South Shore, or around Laval, or Quebec City, consider Legault. He’s your best hope.

FORMULA 3: IF AA equals FF it’s trickier. Take the number of Liberal votes in your riding last election, subtract the number of PQ votes, then multiply by the riding’s ethnic percentage divided by the shoe size of the average voter over the square root of pi.

Then throw a dart.

Alternatively. get the Quebec Strategic Voting app available for iPhone Monday. It’s called iVote.

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