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Motherhood Mondays: What if you have a hard time conceiving a baby?

What if you want a baby, and you and your spouse start trying, and...nothing happens? Some of my best friends have had fertility problems, and it seems slow, frustrating and heartbreaking. Today, my friend Monica shares her honest story...
I am not someone who fantasized about having a baby. I like children but never thought about my own—even when I started dating my husband and knew early in our relationship that he was “the One.” After we got married, and people asked us when we were going to have kids, even then, I didn’t think about my own babies other than to know that, yes, one day I wanted them. I thought about children abstractly. Like, "it will be amazing to have a baby one day with my incredible husband, and, yes, I'll have another vodka soda, two limes, please."

Then it happened: After a few years of marriage, we both realized we were ready. It just felt right.

We had fun with it at first. After a while, I was like, well, maybe I should start counting the days of my cycle. And after three months of doing that, I called the doctor. I was still positive and optimistic that it would happen easily.

But I found out that I had a thyroid problem, and then it turned out that my prolactin levels were inexplicably high, and then they thought maybe I had a tumor…

Suddenly the one thing I rarely thought about—conceiving a baby—became the only thing I thought about, obsessed about, agonized about, cried about, irrationally blamed myself for, became angry at other people about.

One month of disappointment turned into three months, then six, then a year, and then another year. I cried on the subway, in the doctor's office, in my sister's lap, on my husband's lap, on my parents' shoulders. I hung up on one of my closest friends when she called me to tell me she was pregnant. Then I called her back, ashamed that I could act that way to a loved one sharing her special news.

One particularly awful day after yet another depressing doctor’s appointment, I met my sister and mom at Saks Fifth Avenue. They begged me to come along; they wanted to cheer me up. It was the middle of the day, and I wanted to go home, smoke cigarettes (I had quit smoking years before), cry in my red wine and feel sorry for myself. I got there and started to weep at the make-up counter. I put on my sunglasses. We went to try on clothes, and I announced out of nowhere that if my sister had another baby before I had one I would die. How insensitive and dramatic and hostile could I be?

I hated myself for what I was going through and I hated myself for the way I was acting. I took it personally whenever I saw a pregnant woman or a new mom. You watch all these TV shows, like 16 and Pregnant, and you’re like, why are all these people having babies? It seemed like everyone was having a baby.

I could only talk about it with my husband, parents, sister, and a very few close friends. I can admit now that I felt ashamed. Of course, there was absolutely nothing to be ashamed about, but I felt like I was being punished. It’s irrational, but I think I was trying to make myself feel better by saying, I must deserve this, or my body must be messed up. I tortured myself.

I was a different person back then. Now I don't even know what I'd go back and tell myself because I don't recognize that woman. I think I would just hug her and let her cry because sometimes that is all people need. That's what I needed. I didn't want to hear anyone say, "Don't worry, it will happen," or "You have to be positive," or "God has a plan," or “My sister's friend's husband’s co-worker’s sister was infertile, and they have three kids."

I knew when I was going to get my period. I would experience the same symptoms that I’d had since I was a teenager: bloating, cramps. The night before, I’d brace myself. The next morning, I sometimes couldn’t get out of bed. Every month, I would call my mother crying.

I can’t imagine how my husband handled it, day in and day out. He was so supportive. I was trying not to let him see that I was such a mess all the time. It was a downward spiral. I was constantly working hard to not fall into it. On one side, I was beating myself up and depressed, and on the other, I was trying to get better, if not for me, than for my husband, and the baby we were hoping to have.

But I felt out of control. I felt like I had no control whatsoever of my life, my body, my future.

I had an "A-HA!" moment one morning at the fertility center. The waiting room was packed, and I started looking around at the other patients. One woman was reading the US Weekly that I had read the night before when I couldn't sleep; another was reading Twilight, which I had just finished, someone else was typing furiously on her Blackberry—I related so much to these women.

Then a nurse comes in and says to someone, “Why are you here again?” And the woman said, “Oh, for the test.” And the nurse says, “Again? I can’t believe it. Again?” And the woman started crying, “Yes! Again. I’m here again, again, again, I'm here again...” She kept repeating it and crying. And everyone was staring because no one could believe it.

I suddenly realized: We were all the same. This woman was openly crying. I had openly cried in the subway so many times, I’d lost count. I didn’t even care, I didn’t care who saw me. I had been in my own world, always. You get wrapped up in yourself when you’re going through this; in my mind, it was just me and nobody else. Nobody else could understand. I was just so far down. Earlier that morning, I’d felt like I was alone, even though I was sitting in a room full of women on a Saturday morning. But after this A-HA moment, I absolutely felt less alone. I was like, these women are me. I am them. Not one of us was there because we had the strep throat or the flu—we were there because we didn't have something. And that something was a baby. We were dealing with a void and something that we wanted to have but could not. We are all the same.

After that, we decided to try a new fertility practice on the advice of my wonderful ob-gyn. (I cannot stress enough the importance of finding the right doctor—not just a good one but the right one who listens and is supportive.) So, we went to a new fertility practice and saw our new reproductive endocrinologist. We sat in his office as he counseled us about IVF, and he said, "If all goes the way I think it should go, in six weeks you will be pregnant." I cried with disbelief. The next six weeks were about a lot of patience.

Finally, our doctor gave us the pregnancy test, and we found out we were going to have a baby. My husband took the day off work so that we could be together. The first time I felt the baby kick—I cannot even describe how it made me feel. Once we passed the three-month mark, I donated my leftover drugs back to the practice because I wanted to visualize the babies of those women who had sat in the waiting room with me every morning.

I know how lucky I am and I know what a struggle it is to go through infertility and that not all families have the results that we finally were able to achieve.

I still have moments of total disbelief—not only that I lived through that experience, but that I actually have a little girl. Only now am I able to talk about it, after all this time. When Joanna asked me to share my story, I was stunned that I actually agreed. I had been quiet about it for so long.

My baby girl is so strong, and she has been wildly opinionated and expressive from the second she was born. I really believe she wanted to be here with us and that we had to live through this experience in order to be together with her. When she is laughing or refusing to eat or smiling at her favorite book or proud because she figured something out or giving me a big, wet kiss, I just look at her and feel so lucky and thankful. I know that might sound trite but it's true. I hug her and kiss her, and I know she feels how thankful we are for her and how much we love her and waited for her.

I carry those feelings with me every day even if they are not in the front of my mind; this will always be part of me.

Thank you so much, Monica, for telling your beautiful, moving story. My darlings, have you ever had a similar experience? Or do you have any friends who have struggled with infertility? I would love to hear your thoughts...

389 comments:

It took me 3 years to get pregnant and only after medical intervention. For me it was easier if I shared my experience with anyone who would listen. Talking about it actually helped me deal with it. That, and a very supportive husband.

monica, thank you for sharing your story. my best friend has had trouble conceiving for more than one year and is having a very hard time. i never know what to say. she doesn't talk much about it bu ti can tell that she is always thinking about it. this is really helpful to see what she might be going through even though i know that everyone experiences things differently. your story is touching. you sound so strong to persevere and congratulations on your beautiful wide-eyed daughter.

yes, thank you so much, monica. i was so moved to read your story. you tell is so honestly and beautifully. it is so brave not only to tell your story, but also to revisit it so deeply. i know so many people who have trouble getting pregnant. so heartbreaking. you are brave, and such a beautiful woman. xoxo

Thank you for sharing your story. It's brave to be able to put your thoughts out there for everyone who may feel alone right now.

In my family, I have a couple of aunts who've struggled years and money away on fertility treatments and have produced some wonderful cousins of mine. However, when it came time for a second child, they found that adoption was as rewarding a parenting option as conception. There are struggles in that, as well, but the result is the same: a child to love and cherish for life.

This totally brought me to tears. My husband and I are just beginning to try for our first baby and this exact scenario is one of my worst fears that I know so many women go through. So very happy you were able to finally be the mother you were meant to be :)

This was a beautiful post that brought me to tears. I cannot have children, but since I'm only 23 it hasn't *really* hit me yet. I'm still in the "I don't ever want to have children" mode, which everyone says I will grow out of. I think that'd be an interesting post, too - what to do if your partner doesn't want children, but you do (or vice versa).

This makes me sad b/c I have a friend in the same situation but IVF didn't work for her and their "trying" is over. My heart breaks for her and her husband. She talked about kids since she was in college. They bought a big house with extra bedrooms for their future children, not knowing they'd never have them. I know they were thinking about adoption and I want to ask her about it but I know its tough on her so I don't want to bring it up. I wish she could've had good news like this and I'm happy this woman did. Unfortunately not all endings are happy and now I think I'm going to email my friend.

thank you for this post. it gives me hope for my future because my doc diagnozed PCO 9 months ago. i am young, i an 23. but i want to have the opportunity to have children in my future. i have all the hope in me. so i'll try it when i think it is the right time. thank you. good luck to all those other woman!

Not being able to have kids when you so want them is so hard! Especially when you have coworkers that have families with 4&5 kids-not intentionally but bc they were super fertile.

For me it's a case of not having met the right guy yet and seeing my 30s get away on me. I still have hope that I might meet some great guy but not so much hope that I'll get my own kids. But for today I have nephews in town who have regular sleepovers & auntie dates. It really helps to be important in some kids lives... I love them without reserve or comparison to my own kids.

thank you everyone for your kind comments and support. And Joanna, my biggest thanks goes to you for giving me the chance to tell this story. One of the most important things I learned, among the many, is that we have to support each other as women...even when we don't know each other. It's something that so many people deal with every day.

Moonlight, adoption was definitely something that we contemplated and were open to. We're still open to that route and I really admire people who have adopted children and who go through that process since it is also extremely stressful. I think it's a very unique experience for everyone. Either way, raising a child and being a parent is such a gift, whether the child is biologically yours or not.

Wow Monica, you wrote your story in such a beautiful way. I think it one of my biggest fears to not be able having children once because of uterine problems, that are unfortunately common in our family...

I am not a mother, or near being ready to be one. But this story was incredible. And I am so glad I spent the time this afternoon to read it! It was beautiful and touching and emotional. Most importantly, it was REAL. Thanks for sharing. Ash

Thank you, Monica, for your brave, honest post. My hubs & I just started trying to have a baby & I have no idea what the road ahead looks like for us. It seems everyone we know is having babies but for every success story, we learn of a friend who is experiencing infertility. Heartbreaking. I hope those that are having trouble find peace & comfort in your story!

thanks for this motherhood monday post joanna and monica. really raw, heart-rending reading. like ashlae mentioned, i'd love to hear thoughts on partners who have differing opinions on children, and how they have dealt with that: stay together and have kids? stay together and don't have kids after all? adopt rather than get pregnant? break up because your life goals clearly don't match? i, too, firmly don't want children, but everyone tells me i will change my mind soon (and soon means the next couple of years, i.e., before the clock *really* starts ticking). now that i think of it this could be a motherhood monday *or* relationship thursday post :-)

Thank you Joanna for including infertility in your motherhood posts. And thank you Monica for sharing your beautiful story and emotions in such detail. Congrats on your sweet girl. I am so touched by the strength of the TTC (trying to conceive) community. And how much we are all the same. I'm reading through the tears in my eyes as I sit here nearly 20 weeks pregnant through IVF. Wishing the best for everyone who is still waiting and wishing.

I can't relate personally because I've never tried nor do I wish to get pregnant any time soon, but I watched a friend go through this. She and her husband tried for years and it destroyed her mentally. She ended up adopting five children she fostered. She was born to be a mother and even though she didn't birth those children, she couldn't love them more, nor they her :)

I went through IVF/ICSI for my son, and am now pregnant with a little girl through the same process. Fertility treatments are the most complicated, scary, amazing, terrible things on earth! My husband and I were lucky enough to find out our problem at a very early stage of trying to conceive, so we were able to move onto our only option which was IVF/ICSI. We were lucky enough to get pregnant the first time on both attempts to get pregnant.

We feel so lucky to have our son, and almost like we are tempting faith with this pregnancy (I am 28 weeks along.) I love hearing about other couples that have gone through infertility and how they dealt. Wanting a child is unbelievable consuming. It often feels as though life will feel so empty if things don't work out.

Thank you for your relatable topics, Joanna. I look forward to reading your blog everyday when my son naps :)

Such amazing stories, by such brave and beautiful women! having a baby is one of the biggest blessings of my life, and i truly believe it is something worth fighting for - and i think it says so much about a woman who is willing to do so!Smoking Crayolas Blogspot

Monica,You are very brave to tell your story and doesn't the struggle make us better mothers? I think so. No amount of sleep deprivation or pain is too unbearable when I look into the eyes of my two girls.

Thanks for sharing this. My husband and I are trying again after having recently miscarried. I also was someone that never really fantasized having children, figuring it would happen "some day". But then I found myself so happy to be pregnant and then completely devastated when I lost the baby. It's so easy for it to become all consuming. It's great to hear stories with happy endings and it's always a nice reminder that you're not alone.

My husband and I are getting ready to try for our first baby. Already I am bursting with fears and feeling some pressure. I worry constantly. Wondering if I am doing everything possible to bring a healthy baby into this world. Thank you for sharing this hopeful story. It moved me to tears. oxox

Such a beautiful, honest post. My cousins and I just found out about a blood disorder, "Factor 5", that runs in my family. 2 out of the 4 of us have been tested and have it. It causes strokes, especially for pregnant women, and can result in miscarriages and fertility issues. K, one of my cousins that was tested and diagnosed with it, has been trying for a year to get pregnant. She's had 3 miscarriages now, with the last one ending at 12 weeks. It's really made me think about how fragile life is, and how often we plan things, but life turns out differently than we think.

I can't say I know how you feel, because I don't. What I do know is what having a high-risk pregnancy is like, wondering if you will ever get to really meet the child you have carried. My daughter is here, and my daughter is healthy, and I feel so acutely aware of this blessing that almost wasn't. I know that feeling of holding her, kissing her, loving her - of knowing that she must truly be intended for us because getting her here was so difficult and tenuous. Truly, she must know how grateful we are to love her.

I'm so happy for you! People ask us when we're going to have another, and Mr. Sandwich's reply is always the same: "This one didn't come easy."

I didn't have trouble getting pregnant, but I did have trouble staying that way. Before Baguette I had two miscarriages, each requiring a D&C. I had another seven months ago. We would very much like to have another child, but we are so, so grateful for the one we have, because we weren't sure we'd ever get her. She's a dream come true.

One of my close friends is using IVF and not having any luck. She just isn't producing enough eggs. It's incredibly hard for her, and she feels very alone. I told her that although I wasn't in her exact situation, I understand what it is to want a baby and not know if you'll be able to have it. And I also told her that I know she's not alone, that she probably knows other women who have had this problem--she just doesn't know that they've had it, because they haven't told her.

thank you SO much for even addressing this subject. I'm only 24 and have already been told I won't become pregnant without a lot of medical intervention. While my closest friends are popping out kids like there's nothing to it, I already know it'll be an uphill battle for myself.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I think a lot of people forget that there are a ton of women out there who are either having trouble conceiving or just cannot have children. It's an enormously personal struggle and I'm so glad to read your story here. Very moved.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE TRYING TO CONCEIVE there is a wonderful organization called RESOLVE. They have chapters all over the US. They are a great resource for information, referrals, helping to explain medical terms and procedures. Best of all, RESOLVE is run by those who have gone through this experience themselves. They can offer support on the phone as well as counseling sessions where you can talk about your experiences and grief with those who understand. Whether you end up with a child through medical treatment, IVF, surrogacy or adopt, or decide that you accept not being a parent, the aim is to help you resolve your infertility.I urge you to look them up and contact them. RESOLVE helped my husband and me so much. We now have a beautiful 12 year old daughter. I am not currently active in the organization, but I do support them still.

It took me a year and 4 months to get pregnant. It felt like so long. Especially since I felt I was BORN to be a mother. It was (is) my calling. I even got a nanny job to prep myself for motherhood. I decided against fertility treatments. Struggled with similar pain and thoughts like Monica. One day my husband asked me "Are you not going to be a happy person if it's just us?" When he asked me this I felt so ashamed of myself. I new then that I needed to enjoy the life and blessings I had. I needed to enjoy my wonderful husband and if we got blessed with a child I would rejoice. So we moved into an awesome couples apartment, got a puppy, then a few months later GOT PREGNANT! It was such a wonderful time in our lives. Especially since I won my battle with contentment.

What a coincidence to read this post on the day I am starting fertility treatment again. Just ordered my clomid refill. Back on the roller coaster.

Earlier this year my husband and I realized our worst nightmare was true - that we had not just one, but multiple fertility issues. After a few months break (MUCH needed), we are ready to try again.

I hate the fertility clinic but for us it is necessary. Until you are in the situation you cannot understand how lonely infertility can make you feel. Among other feelings such as frustration, anger, humiliation (I think 20 people this year have seen me naked..). This is on top of my struggles to love my body, despite its defects.

It is nice to hear from someone who understands. Thank you for the beautiful post.

I have such unbelievable respect and admiration for all of you who have commented and who have emailed me, that you have suffered miscarriages. I cannot imagine the pain and sorrow. I couldn't bring myself to even contemplate that possibility while I was trying to conceive even though I knew I had to be realistic about the possibility. I have a lot of friends who went through it and it was so devastating as an outsider. I feel like your strength is immense.

This topic is so delicate and complicated. And all of our experiences are so different but yet they're all so similar bc the underlying feelings are there.

My amazing sister and her husband struggled with infertility for many, many years and now have four darling children from all over the world. Twins from Ghana and a son and daughter from Guatemala. I have been so blessed through their journey and see the miracle of adoption first hand. There are sooo many babies that need mamas and daddies! xx

I can't tell you how much I relate to your story. After two failed IVF procedures, I finally got pregnant on our last try. All in, it took three years to meet our little guy, and he's now a healthy 8 month old.

It is a truly heartbreaking experience to hope and pray for children and it just doesn't happen. It was so odd to be focused on something so painful for literally years, and then it's just suddenly fixed. I still can't believe our infertility struggle is actually over, and we have our beautiful boy. He is quite literally a dream come true.

Like you, we were open to adoption. I am adopted myself, so I know what a blessing it is. But we wanted to try everything we could first to get pregnant, so that I would never wonder what might have been.

All I can say is, thank you for telling your story. It made me cry all over again (happy tears). And for all those women in the waiting room at the clinic - we have been there. You are not alone.

Monica, I am so impress by your willingness to share your story, especially when so often those of us who do get unsolicited feedback from people who obviously have no idea what it is like to experience infertility or go through the process of adoption. Congratulations for your miracle, and kudos for your strong and honest writing.

Although I haven't struggled with infertility, I can relate to a lot of the feelings Monica expressed as I've recently lost my daughter after experiencing pre-term labor after 23 weeks of pregnancy. I certainly know how what it's like to feel a way around pregnant women or new moms and feel as though everyone is pregnant except you.

What a brave thing for Monica to do in sharing her story. I commend her for her strength and honesty, and I wish I could've given her a hug when she was at her lowest. My mother was told in her early thirties that she would never be able to have children, and after a few years of she and my dad not worrying at all, she got pregnant with me. Unfortunately, I've always had a lingering feeling that I'd have trouble getting pregnant as well, ever since I was a little girl and found out where babies come from. I hope this isn't the case, but I know now there are countless other women who go through the same thing.So, truly, thank you for posting this, Joanna. xo

Thank you Monica for being courageous enough to share. You described exactly how I have felt for the past year. I can relate to doctor visit after visit, hope after hope - it's so exhausting. And I feel so alone, scared and hopeless sometimes but this post helped me encourage me.

This is the most beautiful and truthful story I can imagine. I feel for all those women who want a baby and can't have one. I had to cope with the possibility of a dear child being cognitively impaired and I also felt angry when I saw people with "normal" babies - or two! It seemed unfair. The emotions that surge up and overwhelm are so unexpected and confusing and take us by storm. Thank you, thank you for bravely sharing your story, Monica. And congratulations on the birth of your daughter.

Thank you for sharing this Monica and Joanna. It's such an important issue that so often goes overlooked or not talked about. Look how beautiful your little daughter is Monica! She's a little miracle and I'm so happy for you.

I had major complications with both of my children (I really should have only had one, but we pushed the limit with another). As a result, I had some of my "girlie" parts removed and can no longer have children. It sucks to know that we can't have any more biologically, even though 2 is probably all we would have anyway. It just feels like your body is "dysfunctional." My first was a complete accident (so NOT planned or expected!) and my second took a little bit of trying, so I know that feeling of "why isn't it happening?" I feel like I can relate to both sides of the fertility story.

what a gorgeous baby. those lips! i do not have a period (never have) and was told by 3 different doctors i probably wouldn't be able to conceive without medical intervention. it took one whole year (which we all know can feel like a lifetime) but eventually we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl.

i felt the same way monica did - disappointed in myself, mad at the 14-year-old in front of me at the grocery store who seemingly got knocked up over night, upset with god, just frustrated with the world in general. but i do believe god has a plan, as much as we don't want to hear that. and i'm so glad you got your little miracle baby! :)

Wow, what a beautiful story. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to have to go through that for years. My cousin tried for 2 years to have a baby and gave birth twice before the babies were far enough along to survive. It was devastating for her and the family. My son was born one week before she delivered her first son that she lost. She couldn't bring herself to meet my son until he was a couple months old and after that she didn't really pay any attention to him because it was just too hard for her. Finally, though, after having to experience the birth and death of two babies, she finally had a healthy little boy. You can just see it in her face all the time how completely smitten she is. :)

thanks so much for this post! i was conceived by my parents after 5 years of them fighting to get pregnant and too many miscarriages (one might say, though, one is too many). i've always felt a special bond with my mother, being the baby that made her a mom. there is something so special about creating life . . .

Thank you for showing the other side of the coin. For some people conceiving is a really hard thing to accomplish. I shouldn't put the horse before the cart but I have had many issues with my cycle over the years and this is one of my BIGGEST fears.

Sometimes I think it seems so unfair when a loving couple are desperate for a baby and meanwhile people who should not be able to have children have them so easily! Such is the way of life I guess...

hi monica, thank you for your story, it was beautifully writtten! I too have problems with my thyroid and knew that i was not able to conceive because of it, but it finally stabilized a few years ago... although my husband and i did not have any plans to have children, i found out i was pregnant earlier this year, while painfully going through a separation and divorce for reasons other than the unexpected pregnancy, but i am glad i made the decision that I did because it is helping me get through a tough time in my life and realize how blessed i am. & in a few weeks i will get to meet her. :)

The timing of this story is so perfect for me. My husband and I are experiencing something very similar for reasons so far out of our control. My husband is a Hodgkin's Lymphoma survivor. He's been cancer free for 4 years and that news keeps us on top of the world every day. What feels terribly unfair is that the very thing that saved his life, an autologous stem cell transplant, also will keep us from creating a new life on our own. IVF is truly our only option, and as a young couple it is very much out of our reach financially. I relate so much to Monica in that babies were never my focus until we lost the choice for one. Now, it's something that is so hard to not think about, to avoid being jealous of others, and to stay positive. Those feelings are so hard to come to terms with. Personally, the hardest thing of all is wondering how to pay for IVF and even worse, how we would feel if IVF didn't work after all that saving and borrowing. I know this is a very long comment, but thank you Joanna for creating a space for me to safely say how I was feeling too. Monica's story gives me hope, and reading your posts on Monday's somehow do as well even though we aren't there yet.

Thank you to everyone who has written comments so far. I'm so touched by all of the personal stories shared here too. This is such an important dialougue. And even if you don't relate to my experience at all, maybe some of the comments from these incredible readers will resonate. I think it is amazing how you can go from feeling completely alone one moment, to feeling like you have the whole world holding you up and being there for you, the next. It seems less scary, even though it is no less real, when you know people are there with you.

"I didn't want to hear anyone say, "Don't worry, it will happen," or "You have to be positive," or "God has a plan," or “My sister's friend's husband’s co-worker’s sister was infertile, and they have three kids."

So true.. we've been trying for 10 years to get pregnant with no luck & I hate it when people say things like that. I know they want to say something to make me feel better, to make themselves feel better even but those things are just not it. Sometimes saying nothing is better b/c as much as you try you can't fix this. Pretending that it doesn't exsist doesn't help either. Learn to just be.. be a shoulder to cry on, an ear for listening..

I like these stories because I'm almost 31, and I sware it's taken me a while to grow up. I'm starting to take things more seriously though, including taking relationships more seriously (and really being a lot more choosy) and considering babies in my future, so I might have less of a struggle.

Monica, Thank you so much for this. Lately I have been talking with other people around the blogs and we've decided that as hard as this must be to share, that it is just so important. Infertility feels like the last great taboo that women don't talk about enough. I have a few health problems right now that are keeping us from trying just yet, but this was amazing to read. You are such a strong woman, your little girl is blessed to have you as a mom. I am so happy for you, thank you for sharing this.

Wow, Monica pegged the emotions of not having a baby beautifully. I can remember feeling my ears ringing when my best friend told me she was pregnant and having to tell myself to say something out loud that sounded like joy. I felt sick every time we met up, because I felt it was my duty as her friend to talk about the baby & yet I was ashamed to want to run away every time she brought it up.

We chose to go the adoption route after many appointments with fertility specialists. After many ups and downs we now have a baby girl, who's about to be a year old.

I wrote a little about the adoption process, on my blog if you're interested to know more.

Julie B, you have been through so much. You are so brave. We were very lucky bc although we had already spent so much money on all of the testing and everything else (as well as a couple of cycles of IUI) when we finally ended up at the doctor that finally was able to help us, they took insurance and the procedure was covered. A lot of the time you can find a doctor who accepts insurance or special payment plans if you do not have insurance. The more expensive portion is the medication. And my doctor accepted donated meds...I donated everything I had left over and it was A LOT! I know a few women who have been able to go this route. It's just another thing that is so unfair about the whole thing...not being able to afford the treatments. It's hard enough already and then to deal with that...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this. I can't tell you how much this resonates with me. We're going on our third year of trying to conceive, and have had two miscarriages over the last year. The fear, pain, and longing absolutely blindsided us. We're going to keep on keeping on, but won't be able to discuss anything related to infertility with our doctor until I've had a THIRD miscarriage (real classy, insurance). It's wonderful to know that someone who has been there has come out the other side with a beautiful child.

Thanks, Monica, for sharing your story. This month marks 4 years for me and my husband of actively trying to conceive - the last 2 years under the care of a reproductive endocrinologist. Most days, I feel like I am all alone in the world. Thanks for reminding me that I am not. - Rebecca

thank you for sharing this. it was heartbreaking to read, but something so honest and beautifully written. monica articulated (perfectly) what this experience feels like or at least what it felt like for me. my husband and i spent almost 4 years trying to have a baby (one year on our own and 3 years with fertility doctors and eastern medicine). unfortunately, we were never successful. it was the most difficult three years of my life. however, we took another path to parenthood and adopted a beautiful baby boy (in July).

Joanna- I remember you mentioned in a comment that you'd post about infertility, and I've been waiting for it since. Thank you for having your friend Monica share her story. It truly is a lonely process, it feel like nobody understands what we are going through. We've been trying for 2+ years. My husband has slightly lower sperm motility, and my estrogen level is slightly higher. Went through 3 IUI tries, and 1 IVF. We are going for IVF#2 this month. I don't think people know the amount of needles, medication, dedication, emotional stress this whole process involves. It's frustrating seeing friends get married after us, and get pregnant without necessarily wanting a baby.. meanwhile, that's all I've ever dreamt about. If we fail again, we are seriously considering moving & starting fresh...

It is still a relief to hear other women talk about this. My husband and I went through similar struggles. I can relate to the anger , disbelief , depression and sheer jealously this puts you through. I would like to proudly encourage every women going through this to find someone to talk to and be honest even if you think you sound like a crazy person. I would also like to encourage you to pick up a book called Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize. This is a Christian book and it was written a while ago, so if you get it on cd you laugh alitlle at how it is written, we did. Nonetheless this book helped me deal with this and eventually restored my faith in it even happening. I would proudly love to say that I am now very pregnant and due any day. I pray no one has to go through this , but know you are not alone

This post made me cry! What a sad and heroic story she has, so touching. I know how hard it is to not know if you'll ever have a baby so this was very close to home for me. Thank you so much for sharing!

Thanks for posting this, Jo. Thanks also to Monica for bravely sharing your story. I have mild hypothyroidism that my doctors are still trying to work through. Because of your story, I now know that it can cause/contribute to infertility-I've never heard that from a single doctor. I'll be sure to get a referral to an endocrinologist ASAP as my husband and I are planning to try for a baby in the next year.

I'm going through teh same thing right now. So nice to know it isn't just me. All my friends are getting pregnant and it is really hard to be hapy for them. Glad someone else felt the same way. It makes me feel like a bad person:(

I'm 25 weeks along with my first. We were in the 'not trying but not preventing' catagory for almost 4 years. I felt awful when we did get pregnant because my sister (in-law) who is now 6 weeks pregnant with her seoncond baby had just started her second round of fertility treatments. I felt so bad that it 'just happened' for us and it was so difficult for her. They tried for 3 years with their first little girl and were about 6 months into treatments for their second baby.

I was ecstatic when she found out she was pregnant again... even though I knew a few weeks before she did because my morning sickness resurfaced. Ugh

Thank you for sharing this story. I did not struggle with infertility but miscarriage which was absolutely devastating and similar to infertility in that you just want so terribly to be a mom and to have a baby and it is completely out of your hands. I have a couple of friends that had miscarriages after mine and I also have a couple of friends who are dealing with infertility. These women would be the best mothers...it all seems so unfair. I was the first of my peers (the majority who are moms) to experience miscarriage and it made me feel so very alone in my grieving and like Monica, all I really cared about was myself and what I wanted. What made it all worse was that we had seen a perfect little heart beat and seemingly healthy baby at our 8 week sonogram only to find out four weeks later it had stopped developing the next day (with zero symptoms of miscarriage). Hearing my friends speak of their children and pregnancies ripped my heart out reminding me what I almost had and I found myself resenting all pregnant women. If more women knew that it is so common to have these struggles less women would feel alone as they experience them. I haven't quite figured out how to share my story yet, but I feel an obligation to others going through it to do so.

So glad this story ends well with a beautiful baby girl! God has blessed me with a baby boy due this March and I cannot tell you how thankful I am to have this opportunity. I know we still have awhile before March, and the knowledge that anything can go wrong at any time is always there...but for now I'm so so thankful.

What an absolutely beautifully written story. I work at a fertility centre as a medical receptionist and each day I am blown away by the courage and perseverance these women and their partners possess. Amazing!

This is such a wonderful post and it's so brave ohe you to put in words.. me and my husband have been trying for a baby for a little while and this is my biggest fear. I am so glad I read this today. It made me feel positive and realise that I am not alone. Thanks for sharing! http://www.reasonablygumi.blogspot.com/

But Joanna, I see so many things telling us what NOT to say to someone who is having trouble getting pregnant - I would love to see a list of what you CAN say. It's easy to say, just listen, but even the closest friends don't open up about this very easily.

It's a heartbreaking journey, I have been there. Three IVF's, acupuncture, no alcohol or caffeine for 3 years, fertility workshops, you name it, I did it. In the end I did end up conceiving......but after 3 months miscarried. I learned so much about letting go and acceptance. My heart goes out to all the women (and men) that are going through this painful process.....just know that life may have other plans for you that are equally as fulfilling.

thank you for including this in motherhood mondays! i read motherhood mondays with this lump in my throat because i want so much to be included in the miracle of motherhood...but i'm not. for no good reason at all that i know of other than i'm just not. and i always thought it would be so easy and quick, because it seems that way for everyone around me.

there IS something wonderful about knowing you're not alone in it. even reading about how she hung up on her friend who was pregnant made me smile a bit because i totally get the feeling. i get angry at tv show characters, celebrities, facebook friends, close friends, family members...

Thank you for this raw, real narrative. I'm so glad that you got your happy ending. After reading all of the comments (which I rarely do) I am blown away by the strength and courage of all of these ladies. I hope for a healthy baby in the near future, but as a 33 year old unmarried woman, the fear of never having it becomes more and more real as the months slip by.

thanks so much for sharing your story Monica. I went trough a similar story and very similar feelings, the most terrible one is feeling like I had no sense of purpose and that I had lost my womanhood, you know, like I am a woman, I am suppose to be able to conceive a child and all. Fortunately for us, 8 months later we were blessed with being pregnant of our son.

My heart is with every couple out there trying to be parents. Take care.

This post is AMAZING! Being infertile has always been something I was terrified of. Babies are so precious and important - even if we think we don't want them! This was unbelievable honest and open. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you.I was/am an IVF baby (I am 15, and have a brother and sister who are 13) an I know that my parents are, out of anything, most thankful for being able to have kids. Having children seems like the most amazing journey and I hope that I will be able to (my mom wasn't able to because of a genetically inheritable trait). I wish you all the best of luck and hope you know that the world needs your love, however that may take form.

This is lovely but I hope you will also have a story by someone who could not have a child. A lot of people believe that they will be the exception. I am so glad that Monica was able to have her darling girl, but many cannot. No matter what treatments are available.

Thank you for sharing this. I will soon be doing IVF with an egg donor because I am not able to have kids due to a balanced chromosomal translocation that we found out I have in June. Almost 6 months to the day of the blood tests I took to find out why I was miscarrying we will be transferring embryos and I so hope it works for us. Congratulations to Monica on her little girl!

I tried to conceive with my ex husband for about 2 years and then we separated and divorced and now I find myself 36, unmarried, and fertility-challenged...and the fact is that beyond the biological infertility is that some of us end up with infertile lifestyles, for lack of a better term. I can't afford to have a baby on my own (via adoption or artificial insemination) and it's hard to come to terms with the reality of likely never being a mother. I sometimes feel like that we get divided into "Mothers" and "not Mothers" and I would love to see more honest and open talk about the grey areas of fertility and relationships.

Joanna and Monica, thank you. This couldn't have come at a better time. After trying for three years, I had two surgeries in February and May to correct a septate uterus and remove some of my endometriosis, then had three failed inseminations with Clomid, and this month I'm beginning IVF. It's been an insane journey. Even though I'm terribly sad and often discouraged, I have amazing support in my mom, my husband, and my very close friends.

Thank you for sharing your story Monica! It is amazing how much I can relate to your same feelings. I am going through fertility problems of my own and we are on our second IUI. It is nice to hear other's stories and to realize we are not alone. It is hard to be in the middle of it and not feel like you can tell others, which is something that I struggle with still. Your daughter is beautiful!Thank you Joanna for having Monica's story on here!

Monica and Joanna, what a beautiful post. I am so happy it worked out the way you wanted it to Monica. Joanna, I hope you have some, or a story lined up like mine, fertility treatments never work, and you end up with the most perfect baby for your family, through adoption! :)

thank you so much for this post! it's true - we are all the same. desperately wanting, always hoping... it's amazing how infertility can bring people closer. i went through it for two years and am finally expecting. i feel so, so blessed.

What a strong, honest post. Thank you, Monica and Joanna, for sharing it. It *only* took me ten months to get pregnant, but time takes on a very different quality when all you want is that one thing. Ten months felt like years and years.

Monica - thank you so much for sharing your story! I can relate with everything you said. I was just the same, never baby obsessed until we started trying to conceive and it ended up taking 2 painfully long years to conceive. It did feel like everyone was getting pregnant so easily, until I ran into two acquantences at my fertility clinic. That made me realize that people are going through the same thing, they just didn't want to talk about it, sort of like me.

Having gone through that I am so, so grateful to be on the other side, with a beautiful son. I wish all the ladies that commented that they are still going through a fertility struggle the best of luck. Thanks for posting this, Joanna!

My friend was told she'd never get pregnant due to infertility issues, and when she told her doctors she wasn't comfortable with IVF, they told her to forget it. Then she started the Creighton Model Fertility Care, and visited their clinic in Omaha, NE. Her doctors - the supposed best of the best out in San Diego - told her it was "voodoo medicine." Now she has a beautiful baby boy!

They were really happy b/c the Creighton model just worked with her body's natural cycles. She had to have an outpatient surgery at first, to help with her endometriosis, but they were so happy to have her body healed! I guess there are TONS of stories like this about the Creighton Model Fertility Care (also known as NaPro Technology) - people who even had failed IVF attempts going there and getting treated and then getting pregnant.

I wish everyone knew about this! I can't imagine what it's like to not be able to have a baby and be told the only option is IVF. I wish more women knew it's not the only option, and NaPro can really help.

Thank you Monica for sharing your story, and many congratulations on your gorgeous daughter.

I write this through tears (...so please excuse the typos!) as your story so closely resonates with ours. As an infertile couple we can totally relate to the feelings of loneliness and longing. IVF is such a difficult, roller coaster process, I honestly felt as if my life was on hold.

And now, 27 weeks pregnant with twins, that pain is weirdly starting to subside. The memories of IVF fading as we embark on this new part of the journey and await our much wanted children. It's such a weird feeling. You think you'll never forget, and yet....

I just want to send strength, love and support to all those still trying. I know there's very little that helps. But you are not alone and I can only pray that one day the pain subsides for you too.

Thank you, Monica and Joanna, for putting this out there. These words are going to help so many people.

For years I struggled to stay pregnant (conception was not the problem) - and I can relate to so many of the experiences here, especially the personalization of other people's pregnancies. The same day I found out I was going to miscarry my second baby, Britney Spears announced she was pregnant for the second time. I was like, are you serious??!! It did become difficult to feel honestly happy for the happiness of others, even though my head really wanted to. My heart couldn't catch up with the sentiment, because it ached.

The only thing that did ease my experience was realizing that I wasn't alone, and that what I felt (and, yes, felt guilty that I felt) was not my fault or even unusual for someone in my situation. Thank you for being so honest - even years after the fact and after welcoming a daughter and son, your words really resonated with me.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I also loved to read all the comments.We've been trying for a year... So it means that I've been thinking I might be pregnant for about 6 months, and till now I never was... It's a cycle of hope, anxiety and disappointment. I could never imagine I'dd be in this situation... Anyway, I'm hopping for our happy ending.

Like others, I would like to say thank you for sharing this beautiful story. As someone who struggles with Infertility I think its so important that we talk about it and hopefully one day it won't be something that we feel ashamed or guilty of anymore.

Thank you Monica and Joanna for this look in to motherhood. I snuggle my 9 month old Baby Jack everyday in joy and gratitude for what he brings to my and my husband's life. For 5 years we tackled every ART option to concieve and no one talked about their own experiences. No one. It was a taboo topic. I try to be as open as people are willing to hear about the logistics, heartbreak and healing of our IVF journey for what it provides for others. Thank you for sharing that same information with us all.

As someone currently smack dab in the middle of a 3 year struggle in infertility I related so much to Monica's words. She expressed all of the emotion and fear I'm feeling each day. I can only hope we also get our happy ending. Thanks for sharing your story.

I'll never forget that lunch we had at Candle Cafe. I knew you were sharing the biggest part of your life with me, but this really made me feel what it must've been like for you at that time. She definitely did want to be here, and she knows how much you both love her. We are all so lucky to be moms, no matter how our children get to us. Big hugs to you, Moni:) xo

Monica,I'm so glad you chose to tell your story. The prevalence of infertility is amazing. I didn't realize this until we started opening up about our struggles. Then others shared as well. Its been the "I know what you're going through because..." that gave me strength and took away my guilt. It wasnt about my body's failure to do what it should. It's just that this is part of the process sometimes. I'm so happy for you and your gift of a little girl. Thank you for your courage. xo

This post is truly touching. I am still in that, "another vodka soda, two limes, please" stage, but it does scare me to think that I may too have fertility problems. But this story gives hope; hope to all questioning and in that same stage. Thank you so much for sharing.

I am so touched by all of these heartfelt and honest comments. Honestly, I am finding it difficult to find words to express how I feel about all of this feedback and how so many of you incredibly brave women (and men) are dealing with your own infertility issues as well as other issues conceiving and suffering through the pain of a miscarriage.

I was not strong enough, when we were living through this, to reach out to other women who might have been going through the same thing. Now I know that maybe it would have helped me but I was afraid of what I would learn if I actually did take the time to talk to people. I guess I am much more of the "suffer in silence" type and in that sense, when it comes to this, my own worst enemy. I hope that I can teach my daughter how to not be afraid to ask for help and to be brave even when things seem hopeless.

Thank you so much again to everyone for taking the time to read my story and for sharing your own.

Arlene, you're so right. It's something that my husband and I have talked about so much. I never lost sight of the fact that he and I were in this together. I was down and I felt terrible but it wasn't just about me. I wanted to be better for him and for us and I felt so, so sad but I knew that he was right there with me. He was having his own sadness and his frustration. And I'm sure it was even more painful to see me, his wife, so depressed. I know he felt helpless. It made me feel worse bc I knew that he was trying to be strong for me and he worked really hard and trying to make me happy even though he was right there with me feeling sad and angry. The whole thing was so complicated - the topic is so sensitive and difficult.

Congratulations!! In the early 90s, my mother tried for years and years to get pregnant. 4 rounds of IVF later, she found out she was pregnant... and shortly afterward, my parents were told they were having triplets. I'd finally become a big sister. 16 years later, I cannot imagine what my life would be like without my three siblings. Now can we just fast-forward past the cranky teenager part? :)

This is a fertility story with a happy ending but she doesn't say how old she is, how long it took, etc. I'd be curious to know. I just found out I'm pregnant at 43! And I'm someone who's insurance and bank account couldn't cover fertility treatments. I've been putting my hopes into sheer old fashioned trying. Even more depressing when you live in LA and everyone around you is going to fertility doctors. At least they have that extra bit of hope all I had was acupuncture, herbs that tasted like feet and no time on my side. Fingers crossed my story ends with a healthy fat baby:)

As the daughter of an 'infertile' couple, I can only thank you, Monica, for sharing you story. It is only after my parents gave up hope, and got on with their lives without children that I was finally born (and my parents were in their early 40s). I have a few cousins who wanted children, but could not have them, and seeing them having very fruitful lives makes the 'children' question much less hypothetically stressful to me. Children can make your life wonderful, but you can also have a wonderful life without children.

Thank you for posting this, I was diagnosed with PCOS and also know (thanks to every gyno i've ever been to who kindly informs me of this!) that when the time is right to start thinking about a baby I too will have a lot of difficulty trying to conceive and that it might not even happen at all, which is heartbreaking for me as I have always loved children and cannot wait for the day that I have my own baby.

eponymous home, congratulations on your pregnancy! That is wonderful news. I was 32 when I found out I was pregnant and 33 when I had the baby. I was barely 30 when we started to try. It was all the more frustrating. I didn't get into every detail here but I also tried acupuncture and the herbs. In the end it didn't work for me but it was definitely a route that I tried. Once my thyroid was under control there were other "issues" that were preventing me from conceiving. We also tried IUI a couple of times but it also did not work for me and I developed a severe allergy to clomid which was completely unexpected, scary and just another wrench.

My brother and his wife finally resigned themselves to being childless. Seven years later, they had 3 (consecutive) children. It doesn't always turn out that way, but I am so impressed by your honest and beautiful story.

Thank you for sharing your story, Monica. I needed to read this today. Today I found out that -- yet again -- it didn't happen for me this month. I cried on the street today, I cried in the grocery store, I cried in the car. My husband isn't home so I can't cry with him tonight.

To everyone reading - do not give up hope! After 3 Clomid/IUI cycles, then 3 IUI/shot cycles, then 1 IVF ICSI cycle that ended heartbreakingly at 23 weeks, and our final IVF/ICSI cycle - just shy of FIVE years of trying - my son is now 13 months old. What a true miracle. I'm not even mentioning the acupuncture, yoga, meditation, herbs, charting, tears, prayers, lighting candles, etc. I TRIED IT ALL. What was the most helpful during this time was finding a support group - which I did at the time in Boston through MGH's Benson Henri Institute - renowned. I also made the best friends ever - every one of us who now is proud to be a Mommy. RESOLVE can tell you where other groups may be near you. It is SO hard for others to understand what we're going through! Joanna - I think you can see just how much Monica's story meant to your readers. Thank you!

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer this year, and underwent surgery in March. The doctors informed me as well, that when the time comes, when I want to conceive, it will be difficult as well. This frightens me since I am 29, single, and no where close to having a baby. I admire you for being honest, and sharing your struggle. You have a beautiful baby, congrats :)

This was such an amazing post. My husband and I are talking about starting a family, and I always have a fear in the back of my mind that we will not be able to conceive when we start trying. All I want, all I have ever wanted, is to be a mother. Thank you for this post. And congratulations, Monica. What an incredibly beautiful baby.

It took more than five years and lots of treatment and heartbreak to finally conceive our son. We are now trying for our second and unfortunately it is going down the same path, so we have been on this rollercoaster journey for 7+ years.Interestingly, we aren't older and were 23 when we started.Every emotion Monica writes about, I can relate to. It is the hardest, most emotionally draining, all-consuming issue I have ever dealt with. And it is very, very lonely. I don't know if I am a better or stronger person because of it. I do know that I am different. And that my son was worth all the sacrifice and that meeting him has totally obliterated the tough times from my memory. Thanks Jo for putting this post up and reminding women that having children isn't always a right and an absolute.

Yes, thank you for sharing. I, like many, struggle too with infertility. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 5 years and the doctors can't find anything "wrong" with us. So many times I have wanted to punch the person saying, "Just relax and keep trying. It will happen." And to hell with day-10 sex rule! Even spontaneous sex is always paired with a wondering if the timing is right. Do I have an egg ready to receive? And rather than just enjoying it, it still somehow feels like work. Sigh. I'm in the thick of it right now and trying to decide what step to take next, but it is a good reminder to know that we are not alone. Thank you.

thank you so much for sharing your experience, it always helps others in similiar situations to relate. I have a two year old daughter and have recently been told my ovaries are full of cysts and very enlarged but have tested negative for pcos, i am still waiting to find out why and it's quite an unsettling experience to go through.

A wonderful story but not sure if a story titled 'what if you can't have a baby'finishing with pregnancy and birth is a great idea. I started reading the story thinking it was written by a childless person.

We tried for 4 years, had 2 rounds of IVF and many other treatments, and ended up "magically" pregnant naturally a month after our second failed IVF. Despite my success story (I still don't believe it sometimes), I find that I still identify as an infertile woman. The pain is still there; the sores are only superficially healed. I still feel the ache when I hear of other women falling pregnant because that's what i felt for years. My heart breaks when I read stories such as Monica's. I remember the faces who sat with me every morning waiting for our daily blood tests, our ultrasounds. No one can ever say anything that will make it better. (I agree, the worst was people saying "It'll happen someday!"). But reading about other women who have experienced what you have makes you feel less alone, which is sometimes all you can ask for.

All these words and experiences are etched onto my own feelings and thoughts. My husband and I experienced a miscarriage last year at 10 weeks in August, and so for over a year now have been trying to again fall pregnant, only again to feel the same cramps and soreness I get every month, knowing that again we have failed and should try again next month. For me I find it such a horrible thought of never getting pregnant again, not having a lovely baby bump, going through labour, and holding a newborn that is all mine. It would not be so hard if it were not for the fact that when we had our miscarriage, 7 people I work with were pregnant at the time, all around the same gestation. And I am a nurse looking after sick babies, supporting parents to be a good parent, knowing I may never experience it myself. And knowing that the thoughts and emotions and crying is something my older sister feels as well, every day. You wake up and it is the first thing you think about, what day am I today? I take the maybe baby saliva test or the urine test. And yes, what is it with people saying "it will happen, give it time". Because what if they are wrong. I would consider adoption, but here in Australia adoption laws are shocking, it is nigh impossible to adopt from oversea's, and adopting a child or infant in Australia, forget about it. So again, here I am, day 13, just took my pregnancy tablets, folic acid, vitamin D and iron supplements. So again we will see what happens.

Thank you for sharing your story. I felt like I was reading my own story. It took me two years to get pregnant with one failed fertility procedure. I cried every month I did not conceive and went into depression when friends called to say they were pregnant. But, now I'm holding my precious baby girl whom I conceived during my doctor suggested "rest month". I hope you story helps all those ladies who feel alone in their struggle to conceive.

I love this post. I just barely started a blog about infertility, divorce, love & marriage. It's called {A Blog About Love} www.ablogaboutlove.com. and I would love for anyone to read my story. I have been infertile for 7 years & counting. But it turns out, it has been the greatest, most life changing experience of my life!!!! I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am writing my story to give HOPE & INSPIRATION to anyone out there!

Monica- thank you so much for telling your story, you are clearly an incredible woman and mother- your daughter is so lucky!. I strongly agree with your comment that we need to support each other as women, whether we know each other or not. Joanna- I feel like your blog provides the best vehicle for that. Yes I love the fashion and more light hearted posts, but I keep coming back to Cup of Jo because I love hearing from you (or other women) about their life experiences (whether it be motherhood, relationships, travel, etc). Thank you to you both!

It's such an emotional story. I recently got married and we are still not thinking of having kids. I have pretty much the same attitude as the author of the post had before she decided she wants to be a mother. But sometimes I find myself thinking what if when I'm ready, my body won't be able to respond and I will have to fight infertility. I admire everyone who can get through this. You are all so strong and brave! God bless you all!

My infertility story had a happy ending too, but I well remember the tears each month when my period came right on schedule. Even fertility drugs didn't help. IVF wasn't a possibility then, and like others, we wouldn't have been able to afford it. At 35, I gave up hoping. It was the worst birthday of my life. Then I got pregnant, but I didn't feel right. Sure enough, I lost the baby. Even after almost 30 years, I haven't gotten over that sadness. And there are definitely things I would never say to a woman who has had a miscarriage, especially "It was for the best." But then, at 38, I got pregnant again, and this time I had a beautiful daughter. I was so grateful for her every single day...Of course, I still am. But imagine my surprise and shock, when at 42 I had another healthy baby... So much happiness there, but I can still relate to the years of disappointment, sadness, and prayers... My heart goes out to all those who are sitting in a waiting room or crying in the bathroom today and every day. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Keep hoping, but enjoy life as it is, too. Don't waste the love you have to give.

What an incredible, heart gripping story. Thank you both for sharing. I have a sort of similar story. We went through fertility issues and then when we were able to get pregnant we kept losing the babies..which was horrible and almost unbearable. It makes me tear up even know, it was so powerful. But then I was faced with the possibility that I may never have a child, and that was so devastating to me. Getting pregnant (and then staying) became an obsession for me, and it was odd, it was like i was standing outside of myself, watching my self and thinking, "who IS this woman?" but I felt so powerless in my own life, that it was as if i were being driven by this force so much larger than me. I've written about, and need to publish it, because it's something that unfortunately, connects many women who would never otherwise know each other. and it needs to be talked about, all aspects. my love to both of you and to all the women who have and continue to face this issue. I send you hugs, love and gentleness. Feel free to contact me, via my website below, if anyone needs anything. take care, everyone.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for including this in your postings on motherhood. I have been off birth control for a year and a half and we've been really trying to get pregnant for the last 10 months. We're now starting to go through some of the diagnostics- waiting for some results as we speak. It is so comforting to know that there's hope and community around this issue. Feeling alone in my anxiety is the absolute worst part.

Thank you, Monica, for sharing such an intimate part of your journey with us. I went through some difficulty getting pregnant and remember that feeling of just wanting a baby so badly and feeling resentful and jealous of all the pregnant women walking around the city. Growing up, our parents made it seem like you could get pregnant just by kissing a guy. But the truth is it's really *hard* to get pregnant! The stars, planets, egg, sperm, your uterus -- all of that must be in total alignment...tricky stuff.

Fertility is such a taboo subject, but the more we share stories like this, the better it is for all women experiencing similar issues.

Congratulations on your beautiful daughter. So glad for the happy ending!

A huge Congratulations on your gorgeous little girl...I'm so happy for you and can totally relate, as I am sure many women can. I was young when I had my son, but even then it took 2 years and was a huge surprise. After I had him I thought maybe I'd be more fertile and have a few right away. No such luck. I tried, saw doctors, tried treatments, acupuncture and finally after 7 years of agonizing over it and getting depressed with every friend, family member and it seemed like everyone getting pregnant one after the other, I gave up. I became rather cold and aloof towards it. I reasoned that I was just going to have one that was all. Then last summer my son at age 9 asked me why he doesn't have any brothers or sisters and he proceeded to tell me that it makes him sad that his children (can't believe he's thinking that far ahead) won't have an aunt or uncle on his side of the family. Go ahead and put a dagger in my heart and twist it I felt like saying, but I told him that I am just unable to for some reason and he and I were bummed the rest of the day. Well fast forward a few months after that conversation around my sons 10th birthday and I miss my period...the only other time was with him, so I waited a week because I didn't want to lose it. And guess what? I'm sitting here typing in my 3rd trimester with another boy and feel like the luckiest woman ever. Life is funny. Sorry for the long comment...as you can see I was moved by Monica's story.

I am newly pregnant (12weeks) and just recently started telling people. We have many friends that have been trying for years without any luck and I find myself almost guilty when sharing the news because it happened so easily for us. I have so much sympathy for those with fertility issues & loved hearing your story (tear jerker). I truly feel for you and think your baby girl is an absolute blessing. Thanks for sharing the “10 things never to say to those with fertility issues”. I sent it to my husband...this should help us when breaking the news.

One of my friends recently went through the heartache of not being able to conceive. Both she and her husband are young, healthy, WONDERFUL people who tried unsuccessfully for years to get pregnant. They tried everything, and every month, she'd be heartbroken. It was only when they finally stopped trying that she began to become her old self again. They actually had someone come to them about adoption. They are now the proud parents of a beautiful little girl. :)

One of my housemates in Sydney had a hysterectomy due to cancer and all of us in our house spent several nights talking about it and crying with her. The older I get the more women I meet who have/had trouble conceiving. Joanna thank you for making room for this on your blog xx

i felt as if I was reading my story then all of the sudden this one turned out good. typical...story of my life. everyone but me....only now I have lost my husband over infertility and it's the worst ending to them all....

I've had two miscarriages. One at 8 weeks, the second a twin pregnancy at 12 weeks - we lost twin 'a' the first week and twin 'b' two weeks later. These pregnancies were without medical intervention and all the tests revealed diagnosis: bad luck. that was a year ago. i'm finally feeling ready to give it another shot. i connected so very much with Monica's post. I've had to step away from FB or "hide" pregnant friends for periods just to prevent myself from spontaneous crying fits after seeing another uterus pop up in my news feed. i don't like feeling like that. it makes me feel ashamed. a friend who struggled with infertility gave me a little nugget of wisdom that i still cherish, she said: our journey is just longer. that helps me to feel more like a warrior who can endure something bigger for me than a sad person that longs for something she cannot yet have. being honest with myself about this process makes me proud of the woman i've become. not all days, but most. and am still hopeful. i wish this topic was less taboo. i think feeling isolated, alienated and alone is the worst part. this process has also brought my husband and i even closer. he is the shit! his love and partnership are the magic in my life. i can't wait to make a little person with him. thats the motivator.

thanks, jo, for opening up the monday posts to other stories and other journeys. it means a lot.

Monica - thank you for sharing. and congratulations on your little girl. what a beautiful story.

Thank you Monica, thank you Jo. I hope one day I can tell the same story. I am in the middle of it right now, 3 miscarriages....miscarriage clinic in a week. One day I'll tell your story in my words, somehow we'll get there. Somehow we'll become parents. Filling the void. One I didn't know I had until I lost our first baby. Lots of love to all other women going through this thing. you are so right, we are not alone. xxx

Thank you for sharing your story!! So many are afraid of telling that their baby wasn't conceived on a magical night but instead in a pitri dish.

It took us 2.5 years and 2 IVFs, but we're finally pregnant with our miracle baby ... and yes, it's the most amazing feeling ever and I agree, I think there was a plan and this baby will always know how much we wanted, sacrificed and went through to have him/her.

Through all the tears and heartache I can truly say, it's worth it in the end.

I pray that for all the couples still struggling that you, too, hold your miracle some day, however they come to you.

Thank you Monica for telling your honest story. It is always reassuring to hear the success stories. I am currently going through the same heartbreaking, challenging situation at 41 after trying for several years. I've been through one round of IVF at a well know NYC fertility clinic that turned out to care more about it's statistics than helping me conceive. I am now with a great ER at Cornell. For anyone also going through infertility it is such an emotional roller coaster and the stress is paramount. It effects everything in your life - your marriage, finances, health, relationships with friends & family and job. Just a tip for anyone else struggling with infertility - I found the RESOLVE website a great resource. It lists peer and therapist led support groups around the country if you are looking for others that are struggling with the same issues. As Monica noted, that's the beauty of going to the morning appointments, you see dozens of women of all shapes, races, ethnicities and ages dealing with the same thing.

Thank you so much for telling your story. We have been trying for a few months now, and while it's not long, I'm terrified of not being able to get pregnant.. I try not to let it stress me out, because I know that that doesn't help, but it's the one thing I've always wanted most in life.

Your story gives me hope, and makes me smile.

Thank you Monica for telling your story, and thank you Joanna for asking her to do so.

Been there. Done that! It's so, so, so unbelievably difficult. Thank you for sharing your story, Monica. My husband and I have amazingly become content with not having a baby after 5 years of struggling to conceive/miscarriages.

To those currently in the midst of the struggle - miracles do happen - whether it's through conception when you were told it was impossible or whether it's through becoming perfectly happy without having a child when you never thought you would be truly happy again. In the meantime, grieve your heart out, look to the good things you do have in your life at present, and hope for the future.

Thank you for exactly capturing the gut wrenching, crazy making, heart opening experience that infertility is. After a few years of medical treatments, my husband and I are moving forward with adoption, but the feelings, fears, doubts are still there. It's humbling to know there are others going through the same thing too.

Thank you for sharing your story. I too felt the burning of tears on my face in public places (the worst was the utter breakdown just passing by the kids department in Kohls). I cried for the void, for what was not. I cried when friends told me they were pregnant. I didn't attend baby showers. I couldn't watch certain television commercials or pass babies on the street (and i LOATHED "16 and pregnant" because it made me so bitter). I stared at pregnant women until they made me avert my gaze. I was obsessed. Not getting pregnant seemed so easy, getting pregnant was like climbing Everest: possible, but only for a select few. And then, after well over a year, i too found the best, the right, the perfect doctor. And now i have a wonderful little boy who i hope knows how cherished he is and how long we waited to meet him. Infertility and fertility problems are like a secret ailment that nobody wants to talk about but that hurt familes to the core. And going through the hormone treatments and failed attempts are enough to rock one's spirit (and marriage!). There is nothing more difficult than passing by the empty bedroom reserved for a baby and feeling like that baby may never come. To all the women now struggling, I send strength and comfort and hope. To those of us on the other end of the journey, i say: YEAH! WE DID IT! Lets go enjoy our children, those actually here and the promise of those to come.

thank you for your beautiful story. it really means a lot to hear from other people who have had similar experiences. i am fortunate to have 2 beautiful children thanks to IVF. however, it doesn't seem to be working for us lately. i've had 2 miscarriages this year while trying for baby #3. thank you again for sharing your story.

Thank you for sharing this. I stopped taking birth control 16 months ago and the closest we have been to a baby was a positive test that was later that day negative I wrote about it here. It is difficult and hearing about other women that have gone through it or are going through it is always encouraging. We are not alone, and I am praying for you ladies.

I've been reading and rereading all of these incredible comments. I've always been the "suffer in silence" type and when I was going through everything with our wish to have a baby, it was just too hard to open up and talk about it. I realized it then, and I realize it now, that I was never alone. My husband was also so touched by all of the comments here, as well. We read them together last night and there were a lot of tears on my end and he just shook his head and said "wow" over and over again. You are all so inspiring and brave!

I said this to Joanna earlier, and I just want to say again, thank you SO much for giving a voice to this topic which sadly is still considered to be so taboo (like so many of you who have commented have said). I didn't realize this before, but I feel a tremendous sense of closure right now. I don't think I would have had it had I not been able to put into words everything that happened and our journey to get to where we are now. I was talking to my husband about this last night and I realized that until the time that Joanna approached me to write my story I had never been able to even utter the word "infertile" - it was like a four letter, dirty word for me. And why? I guess many of us feel not only ashamed to be in the situation but also I don't think many people are willing to show their vulnerability to the world. I know I didn't! My story is so long, like so many of you, but there are only so many hours in the day. I'm sure many of us can list out the countless treatments, injections, pills, pages and pages of test results, doctor visits, drugs, reactions (I had an allergy to clomid that landed me in the hospital that was discovered while we were in the middle of our second IUI trial)...and hopefully we can find solidarity in our experiences.

It took me a while to accept that it was ok to have issues getting pregnant and that while there technically was something "wrong" that nothing was wrong with ME. I'm still a good woman and a good person even if I couldn't become a mother at the moment that I wanted to. Or maybe I was always a mother but I just didn't have a child yet. I think a lot of people want to believe that but it's too difficult when you're so far into it - at least that was the case with me.

This is such a painful and frustrating read for me. The title is "What if you can't have a baby," but the narrative ends with her having a baby.

I'm very happy to learn that Monica's story ended up with a positive ending, but as a woman who can't have a baby - not a woman who is going through the terrible ordeal of trying, but one who actually CANNOT have a baby - I can't tell you how frustrating and terrible it feels to read the title, and then to read the story.

This is not a post about someone who can't have a baby; this is about the precise opposite -- it is about someone who suffered through the difficult process of trying, and who then could and did have one. Please try to be more sensitive.

thank you to monica and joanna for sharing this story on motherhood monday. i really do love the topics you choose and this one is such an important one. it helped me understand the situation of so many other women who have had this struggle, and it reminded me of the fears we all have when we first start trying. i now have three children, and am now in the middle of the frustrating and rewarding times of parenting them....but i am glad for this reminder that i am lucky to have what i do. some perspective, if you will. my heart is with all the women who struggle to have what i have. xon

Brave and honest posts like this are exactly why I love this little blogging world we live in. Thank you for sharing you story because I know that so many women can relate to you and thank you for having a voice. Wonderful, honest, and uplifting read.

I can't begin to tell you how much this post resonated with me. Right after my husband and I were married, I was diagnosed with MS. The first thing the doctors tell you is, "the sooner you get on meds, the less debilitated you'll be later in life," yet, I couldn't be on anything if I was trying to get pregnant. We hadn't planned on having children right away, but suddenly it couldn't happen fast enough. After our time spent weighing the pros and cons of bringing a child into the world despite an illness, we decided we were still meant to be parents. (This in and of itself was a heart-wrenching period.) As Monica said, months turned into years, a miscarriage and a whole lot of tears. I too felt as if I was being punished. I turned it into a sign of fate, that maybe I wasn't supposed to have a baby because of my health. Meanwhile, it felt that every friend, co-worker and family member I knew was having their second and third child. It was agonizing. I started resenting everyone, not just for having what I couldn't, but for NOT having what I did...MS. But of course, I could only confide in my husband, parents and very close friends. We finally decided to give it until the New Year and if nothing happened, I would begin treatment in January. I continued tracking my cycle, but started focusing more on things to keep my sanity in check, like taking long walks, doing acupuncture, and visualizing myself healthy far into old age. And then it happened. Just like that. I had no idea and decided to take a test one morning on a fluke. I gave birth to a nearly 10 pound baby boy 12 weeks ago and count my blessings, MS and all, every day.

If you are having trouble getting pregnant and there is no medical cause please try Robatussin cough syrup. There is something in it that breaks up the acidity. I know many women this has worked for. Good luck

Zara, I'm so sorry to know this. Please understand that I did not mean to be insensitive at all. I know that every person's journey is unique and I know that not everyone has the same ending that we did. My heart is with all the people who have difficulty becoming pregnant and with anyone who wants to carry a child but cannot. Again, I'm so sorry if I offended you in any way.

Thanks so much for sharing. This is the first time I've visited A Cup of Jo and what Monica wrote resonates strongly with me.

I got married 3 years ago to my bf of 10 years. While we weren't in baby mode at first, we knew we'ld get there when we were ready. So the plan was to enjoy our newly-married life for the first year then we'ld start trying for a baby.

The 1st year came and went, we decided that the time has come for us to take the next step and so we did. We tried for almost a year without any success.

I began to doubt my ability to have a baby, and dreaded every period that arrived. One such cycle, I was so upset that I wept myself to sleep. We decided to see a doctor to find out if we had any medical problems.

Doc gave me a clean bill of health and urged us to try again within the next couple of days coz I had not ovulated that month. We did and we were back in the clinic the next month, beaming away as we saw the 1st ultrasound of our little baby.

We were so excited about the baby, especially so when I found out that my best friend would be due just 1 month before me. I envisioned our babies growing up together and becoming best of friends, just as we did.

It was not meant to be. 9 weeks into the pregnancy, I miscarried.

The months following that was the lowest point of my life. I developed depression and it affected my loved ones too. I'm still guilty about how I handled everything then, even though I know that it's not something I could have controlled. The loss was too much for me and I was lucky that I had support from my family to carry me through it all.

It's been almost 4 months since my miscarriage and I feel ready to try for baby #2 now. I hope that this baby will come soon and stick around with this messed up gal for life.

Monica, thanks so much for responding to my comment. I just want to clarify that I really do feel happy to know that many women who have struggled with this have ended up successfully conceiving and carrying to term - and I'm happy that you are one of them!

My real problem is with the first framing paragraph and title of this blog post, both of which are very hurtfully misleading for the reasons I explained above. Your story itself is neither hurtful nor misleading, but is instead hopeful and beautiful. I just wish that people stopped confusing the inability to have a baby with difficulty in having one.

Thank you for this post. This is what I needed today. My husband and I have been trying for the last year, and I am starting to get frustrated. This gives me hope. Thank you for being so open and honest.

Mon, I'm so proud of you. You're every bit of incredible and I'm so fortunate to know you the way I do. I know so much about what you went through and how much it played a role in you and D's lives. It's amazing to see what cards life deals us, how we play them and the end results. I can only imagine the strength it took to get all of this down and the courage it took to publish it here. Love you.

Thank you Monica for such a beautiful story. It is so encouraging to hear. I’m in a different stage of my struggle in that I’m not currently trying to have kids but have been told I probably won’t be able to get pregnant.

I have stage 4 endometriosis and have had two major surgeries on my ovaries in the past year. This past surgery they removed my left fallopian tube. I visit the fertility doctor every month to get injections to put me in temporary menopause. I sit in the waiting room with women trying to conceive and I watch them and know that will be me one day. I’ve been told by my doctors I should hurry up and try to have kids because the next surgery will most likely be a hysterectomy. I’m only 26 and while I’m dating the guy I want to marry we are not there yet.

It has been a constant rollercoaster of mourning the loss of something I didn’t even know I could lose at this time in my life. Of not having anyone to confide in because none of my friends are even thinking about kids right now. Of struggling with deciding between quality of life where I have no pain and no reproductive organs or bearing through the physical pain I experience from endometriosis for a chance to maybe have kids. Of convincing myself I never wanted kids any way even though nothing could be further from the truth.

I will probably go through a whole new struggle similar to yours if I ever do get the chance to try to conceive. But I’ve finally come to a place for now where no matter where my kid comes from they will be loved with all my heart. They will be worth the struggle and the fight. Whether they are adopted or carry my genes, I will love them just the same and they will be worth this rollercoaster. I pray I can hold onto that sentiment in the coming years.

This is my biggest fear! This story was very beautiful and I too have elevated prolactin levels due to macroprolactinemia, so I've always thought I'd have trouble getting pregnant. I'm not in the phase of my life yet, but I can tell it will be soon. I hope my story ends as happily as yours. Thank you for sharing!

Monica, thank you so much for your powerful story and Joanna, thank you for posting it. I had a difficult first pregnancy/birth experience and a lot of times, it seems like all we see in the blogosphere is how easy and wonderful and "natural" pregnancy and birth are. Nobody talks about all the women out there who have a less than ideal experience. Thank you both for your honesty and representing the rest of us :)