Some people can be a bit dramatic… These people are way past that. The following are actual local police reports that are—for lack of a better description—off the chain. The Bible says, “judge not lest you be judged,” but I say: they. had. it. coming.

Other OffensesM/O: SUSP TOOK ITEMS FROM APT W/O PERMISSIONNARRATIVE: THE COMPLAINANT STATES THAT ON THE LISTED DATE, BETWEEN LISTED TIMES, THE SUSPECT STOLE LIPSTICKS AND BEERS FROM HIS APARTMENT. COMPLAINANT STATES THE SUSPECT WAS VISITING AT HIS APARTMENT, AND WAS CARRYING A LARGE ENOUGH PURSE FOR THE ITEMS TO BE CONCEALED IN. COMPLAINANT STATESHE AND THE SUSPECT ARE BOTH TRANSGENDER.

I’ll bet that was a frantic 9-11 call. “Oh, my God! Please… send someone quick! That bitch stole my favorite shade of cheap lipstick and took three bottles of Budlight! I just know it was her!!”

See, when I’m at home… and someone grabs me down there… it’s usually a good thing. And the report indicates that it was domestic violence—so this was either his boyfriend/girlfriend or incest. Classy. I think I’m going to call The Real Housewives of Oak Cliff and have them come show you what assault really feels like. Rumor has it that Shay served some time for shanking someone with a stiletto!

RobberyM/O: SUSP STRUCK COMP CAUSING INJURY AND TOOK PROP W/OUT CONSENTNARRATIVE: COMP STATED THAT SHE AND SUSP HAD JUST LEFT A CLUB AND WERE HEADED BACK TO COMP’S RESIDENCE IN HER VEHICLE WHEN A VERBAL ALTERCATION ENSUED OVERCOMP TALKING TO ANOTHER MALE AT THE CLUB. THE VERBAL ALTERCATION ESCALATED AND SUSP STRUCK COMP IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH HIS HIGH-HEEL SHOE. SUSP THEN STATED “I’M GOIN TO KILL YOU” AND STRUCK COMP SEVERAL MORE TIMES IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND CHEST CAUSING INJURY. PRIOR TO SUSP EXITING THE VEHICLE SUSP STATED “YOU KNOW WHAT BITCH I’M GOING TO TAKE EVERYTHING YOU GOT” AT WHICH POINT SUSP TOOK LISTED PROPERTY AND EXITED THE VEHICLE. COMP THEN EXITED THE VEHICLE AND CHASED AFTER SUSP TO RETRIEVE HER PROPERTY. COMP AND SUSP RAN SOUTHBOUND DOWN LEMMON AVE. SUSP STRUCK COMP SEVERAL MORE TIMES AND THEN FLED LOCATION ON FOOT.

You’re a 35 year-old woman and you go to the club with a drag queen. On the way home, the drag queen gets pissed that you were talking to another guy (I’m assuming his ex?). The drag queen takes off her high heel and starts beating you with it. You eventually pull over, at which point you get robbed by the drag queen, who then gets out of your car and runs down Lemmon Avenue—I’m assuming with only one high-heel or barefoot—and you jump out of your car, leaving it in the middle of the street, and chase after him at 2 a.m. How the hell did I miss this?! I would have given her stolen purse to watch this chase go down!

Other OffensesM/O: SUSP TOOK PROPERTY WITHOUT PERMISSIONNARRATIVE: INVESTIGATION OF BURGLARY. COMP STATED SUSP TOOK ITEMS WITHOUT PERMISSION. SUSP WENT THROUGH A BROKEN GLASS WINDOW THAT WAS THERE PRIOR TO THE SUSP ENTERING THE APARTMENT AND TAKING THE PROPERTY.

Yes, we’ll get Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, and every available officer out on the streets immediately to look for your can of French-cut green beans and outdated game console controller. While we are wasting tax dollars on that, it might be a good idea for you to fix the broken window so that no one else “breaks in” and steals from you.

Disclaimer: Inevitably, I am sure that at least one of the people mentioned in these police reports will stumble across this blog. I hope that you won’t necessarily take this personally. If you can’t laugh at yourself, at least appreciate that everyone else can do it for you.