SEND IN THE CLOWNS. OH, HANG ON…

PUBLIC SAFETY WARNING

Millions of people have been scared out of their wits in the latest incidence of scary clown sightings sweeping the US.

Reports of two particularly bloodcurdling specimens spotted on campus at Washington University, St Louis, on Sunday evening resulted in mass panic as each attacked the other, with the certain outcome that the victor would terrorise billions of people for the next four years, or until the end of time, whichever is the soonest.

Witnesses described how one of the perpetrators, large in stature with a grotesque mask, preposterous hair and tiny hands, jumped out from behind a lectern and alarmed the other clown – who was plainly suffering from delusions of grandeur – as he followed her around threatening to incarcerate her.

This phenomenon has also been noted in the UK, where the public have been similarly spooked by a whole host of unnerving figures, including a court jester – ironically, with no sense of humour – sporting ill-fitting clothes made of sackcloth, a grisly beard housing old lentils, and shoes far too big for him, who strikes terror even into his fellow clowns. Another goes under the guise of ‘Nigel, The Prize Fool’, never seen without a shiny red nose and a glass full of ale, who is forever retiring from the world stage before returning for never-ending curtain calls.