Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Curiously, there's something about October that causes my consistent feeling of self-loathing to take a slight dip. Because being this content simply will not do, I began the annual tradition of gathering my beer geek friends
together and tasting every pumpkin beer available on the market, if for no other reason than to demonstrate why this product has no business existing in the first place.

If you missed out, here are the results of the 2009 and 2010
“PumCaCaFest”

Our third official tasting brings with it many new and
exciting changes, not to mention a dramatic increase in offerings from various
breweries. First, due to the release of Shipyard’s "Smashed Blueberry," we have added a new category built around blueberries, not to mention we have aged some of last year's entries to see just how much worse they can get.

Each year brings new challenges for the tasters, and we are all looking forward to Shipyard's release of Smashed Durian sometime in 2016.

Let's meet the 2011 "Unlucky Six"

Nolan

The only veteran of each festival of pumpkininny bullshit thus far,
Nolan is the beer buyer for Downeast Beverage in Portland (who, along with our
pals at Novare Res and RSVP, supplied our materials), not to mention an avid
home brewer.

Brad

Returning from PumKake 2010, Brad is also a seasoned home
brewer, farmer, and professional cook.

Chris

A newcomer to the Pumpkin circuit, Chris brings extensive
home brewing knowledge to the table, in addition to being a dedicated drinker who
has much higher standards in beer than he does in people (he said that).

Matt

Also in his rookie year guzzling PumCrap, Matt works in the
retail beer world. As we soon find out, he is not afraid to share his opinion even
at risk of ridicule from fellow tasters.

Dietz

Anyone who reads this blog knows that Dietz, my roommate and a longtime
staple in the Portland wholesale wine scene , knows a lot
about drinking.

Joe

Well, you know where I stand on this.

Moving right along into the first round of 2011’s nauseating
madness:

Pumpkin

(Unfortunately, Smashed Pumpkin was sold out, presumably purchased by
chefs to braise short ribs in as the package suggests, at the time of this
tasting).

#1 Woodchuck Hard Cider Pumpkin Private Reserve

According to the website:

Every once in a while
you know you stumble upon something glorious. That something just so happens to
be our Private Reserve Pumpkin. We have combined our signature taste with a
refreshing pumpkin finish. Limited to just two and half hours on the production
line this is a true connoisseur's cider

Judge’s Corner:

Nolan:

This has a pleasant, warm bile aroma with hints of angry
piss. It is much too sweet, displaying a foul, rancid flavor.

Joe:

It smells like chemical cleanup after a rather large mess,
and the flavor walks the line between Pepto Bismol and rotten Big League Chew, if gum can go rotten?

Matt:

This is far to sweet and syrupy, and tastes much like I
would imagine eating a urinal cake would be like.

Dietz:

Reminiscent of the bathroom at Amigo’s, it is super oxidized and candy-sweet, and by candy I am referring to the multi-colored dots that used to be eaten off of paper strips.

This smells like the brewers at Shipyard each took off their
socks, filled them with dead squirrels, and “dry-rodented” their beer. Tastes
like dirt and spicy shit.

Joe:

A perennial crowd pleaser here, it’s aroma reminds me of
what the jar would smell like after you caught bugs in it, when you were young.
The flavor, which reminds me of Dentyne gum, is actually making my eyes tear
up.

Matt:

Light beer with nice bitterness. Reminds me of pumpkin pie,
and I like pie.

Dietz:

Tastes like Dentyne and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I enjoy the
dark, urine hue.

Chris:

It smells like moth ass – I’m not kidding this actually
smells like a dead fucking moth.

Brad:

“Stinkyard Blumpkinhead” has a nose of cinnamon and feet,
and tastes like Big Red gum.

#4 Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ale

According to the website:

Available
September-November

* Amber-colored ale

* Brewed with a bounty
of fall flavors like vine-ripened pumpkin, allspice, cloves, and nutmeg

* Together with a
touch of wheat, Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ale has a smooth, lightly spiced
finish

* Pairs well with beef
dishes and seasonal soups

Judge’s Corner:

Nolan:

I’m sad.

Joe:

Smells like a banana peel that has been hanging out in the
trashcan for awhile. This tastes like a combination of banana flavored Runts and caramel
made with Splenda.

Matt:

Rotten smell, super crappy, kind of gives me a stomach ache.

Dietz:

Dark in color, light in flavor.

Chris:

Shit

Brad:

Smells like pumpkin guts, needs more malt, I’m actually not
overly offended by this one.

#5 Jolly Pumpkin "La Parcella" Number One Pumpkin Ale

According to the website:

Packed with real
pumpkins, hints of spice and a gentle kiss of cacao to lighten the soul. An
everyday easy way to fill your squashy quotient. Only available for a few short
months.Not to be missed.

Judge’s Corner:

Nolan:

Nice tart aroma, with huge carbonation. It is buttery from
the oak, with a pleasant tangy and spicy character. I would actually drink this
for fun!

Joe:

Nose is mild, with a nice sweet and sour flavor more
reminiscent of citrus than pumpkin.

Matt:

I like the sour funk and flavors of lime zest, but there is
no detectable pumpkin.

Dietz:

Definite sourness, with more aromas of bubblegum (not sure where this is coming from). Violently foamy, with coriander and citrus notes.

Chris:

Nice flavors of lime and butter to offset the sourness.

Brad:

It has a sour nose, and appears to be a tad off. It is slightly
bitter, with notes of citrus, but no pumpkin.

#6 Wolaver’s Organic Brewing Pumpkin Ale

According to the website:

Conveniently under
construction

Judge’s Corner:

Nolan:

Uninviting nose, mouth numbing clove flavors.

Joe:

This is like ripping a Djarum cigarette that you bummed off
of a sketchy goth chick.

Matt:

Chestnuts on the nose, with dull, overpoweringly bad flavors
of clove.

Dietz:

Allspice and nutmeg on the nose, with flavors completely
ruined by cloves.

Chris:

All spice, no back.

Brad:

Too much spice. It tastes like a bong hit after you’ve been
munching on cloves and Szechuan Peppercorns.

#7 Samuel Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale

According to the website:

A perennial favorite
at our brewery Halloween party, Samuel Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale is brewed with
over 11 pounds of real pumpkin per barrel, adding a full body and sweetness to
this dark reddish amber brew.Deep roasted
malts, including a smoked malt, lend a distinct roasted character while
traditional pumpkin pie spices give the beer a subtle spice note.

Judge’s Table:

Nolan:

It has an aroma of A&W root beer, it is actually much
less offensive than I expected and tastes mildly of pumpkin! It’s even a little
bit smoky, not too bad!

Joe:

What really grabs me about this one is the lacing! Actually,
no – it’s the Sasparilla nose and the mellow flavors of caramelized pumpkin. I
guess Samuel Adams actually has the budget to buy real pumpkins!

Matt:

Smells like pumpkin, tastes like beer with a bit of
pumpkinseed oil.

Dietz:

Candy shell of Chicklets gum on nose, pie spice goes in an odd direction, with caramelized pumpkin and cola flavors.

Chris:

Tastes like caramelized pumpkin.

Brad:

Nice, dark amber color with a great head. Root beer nose
with malty, rich, and sweet flavors, not half bad!

#8 Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat

According to the website:

Shock Top Pumpkin
Wheat is the first seasonal ale from Shock Top. With a flavor that’s
refreshingly fall and distinctly Shock Top, it’s guaranteed not to be the last.

Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat
is a traditional Belgian-style wheat ale brewed with ripe pumpkins and a
variety of autumnal spices, including nutmeg, cinnamon and cloves. This
seasonal unfiltered wheat ale has a deep amber color and is crafted with a
refreshingly distinct pumpkin spice that fully captures all the flavors of
fall.

Judge’s Table:

Nolan:

After watching my friends furiously spit this out, I’m not
sure I want to taste this. This tastes like a Miller Lite that was opened a
month ago, and a small orange man has been living in there ever since.

Joe:

Shock and Awful. I want this out of my mouth immediately.
The label looks like one of the bad guys from Final Fight 3. Apparently,
according to the label, we didn’t pour it properly.

Matt:

I’m actually afraid to taste this – it’s a lot like cinnamon
with Bud Light.

Dietz:

Zero body, with a Budlightesque, cinnamon nose. This doesn’t
taste good at all. I feel physically unwell.

Chris:

Fucked up, chemically nose.

Brad:

Bad, thin, and cheap tasting.

#9 Harpoon Brewery UFO Pumpkin

According to website:

Imagine a pumpkin vine
wound its way in a field of barley, and a brewer harvested it all to make a
beer. Add Northwestern hops and a blend of spices, and you've got UFO Pumpkin.
The malt combination provides a smooth body and slightly sweet flavor, which
balances perfectly with the earthy notes derived from the pure pumpkin. And
like all of our UFO beers, UFO Pumpkin is unfiltered so all the wonderful
flavors are right there in your glass. Cheers!

Judge’s Table:

Nolan:

Why did you do this?!?!?!

Joe:

This smells like the comic strip out of a Bazooka Joe Gum
wrapper, and tastes like shitty beer that a small child mashed up his graham
crackers in.

Matt:

Tastes like Shock Top, but with more bubble gum than
cinnamon.

Dietz:

Slightly bitter, cinnamon nose with high sweet tones.

Chris:

Bubblegum and burnt sugar.

Brad:

Yet another awful wheat beer, with a bubblegum nose and
terrible spices - Not good.

#10 Dogfish Head Brewery Punkin Ale

According to the website:

A full-bodied brown
ale with smooth hints of pumpkin and brown sugar. We brew our Punkin Ale with
pumpkin meat, organic brown sugar and spices. This is the perfect beer to
warm-up with, as the season cools.

Pumking is an ode to
Púca, a creature of Celtic folklore, who is both feared and respected by those
who believe in it. Púca is said to waylay travelers throughout the night,
tossing them on its back, and providing them the ride of their lives, from
whichthey return forever changed! Brewed in the spirit of All Hallows Eve, a
time of year when spirits can make contact with the physical world and when
magic is most potent. Pour Pumking into a goblet and allow it’s alluring spirit
to overflow. As spicy aromas present themselves, let its deep copper color
entrance you as your journey into this mystical brew has just begun. As the
first drops touch your tongue a magical spell will bewitch your taste buds making
it difficult to escape. This beer is brewed with pagan spirit yet should be
enjoyed responsibly.

Judge’s Table:

Nolan:

This smells like amaretto, and something is very wrong here.
It tastes like beer that has been strained through a 90 year old’s cardigan,
did they just dump potpourri into this? Aggressively bad.

Joe:

This immediately kicks my gag reflex into motion. It tastes
like eating an old person’s toilet seat that has been in use for thirty years.

Matt:

I smell tater tots in this malty, potpourri tasting crap, It
smells like old people, and tastes like bad whiskey, which would be fine if it
were bad whiskey. I feel sick.

Amaretto nose with absolutely no head. Sickly sweet
medicinal flavors make me wonder why this beer has been unleashed upon us,
maybe the brewer’s wife likes it or something? If you could drink plastic, this
is what that would be like.

#12 Cisco Brewers Pumple Drumkin Ale

Our Pumple Drumkin Ale
is a fall favorite on the island. A deep orange hue and a subtle pumpkin pie
aroma meet a robust malt character in this ale which, true to its seasonal
reveling, tastes like toasted pie crust in your mouth. It will finish clean and
dry on the palate and leave you wishing that every day could be autumn on
Nantucket!

Judge’s Table:

Nolan:

Mild, tastes like beer with a smoky, almost chipotle spice.
This is much less evil than some of the others.

Joe:

Smells faintly of cinnamon, and tastes nothing like pumpkin,
in addition to being fairly bitter. Meh...

Matt:

I like the beers from this brewery and this one is no
exception. Medium sweet, with flavors of coriander.

Dietz:

Smells not totally unlike beer, tastes like beer but not good beer, with a bit of floral hops along with sweet, malty flavors. Again, some cola notes as well.

Chris:

This tastes like it is only partially fermented.

Brad:

I get a lot of cola on the nose, and it tastes like beer
without much else added. Is this pumpkin getting fermented at all?

#13 Heavy Seas "Great Pumpkin" Imperial Pumpkin Ale

According to the website:

We add the pumpkin
during the mash at precisely the right time to create just the perfect balance
of malt, hops, pumpkin and spice.

Judge’s Table:

Nolan:

Walks a fine line between palatable and shitty, with mildly
overwhelming spices.

Joe:

This smells like pumpkin pie to me, but not the good kind.
It’s rich, but completely overwhelmed by vanilla. I’m going to jump ship on
this one..

Matt:

Smells like really sweet pumpkin pie, tastes overly
metallic.

Dietz:

Good pumpkin pie spice, sweet and higher gravity with a cloying, spicy, and awful finish.

Chris:

Tastes starchy, with very unpleasant spices.

Brad:

Warm, sweet and malty – not too spicy with flavors of
vanilla and anise.

#14 Cape Ann Brewing Co. Fisherman’s Pumpkin Stout

According to the website:

Fisherman's Pumpkin
Stout is a dark stout accentuated by flavors of the Autumn season. Using real
Pumpkin, cinnamon, nutmeg and allspice, the Cape Ann Brewing Company took a
fresh take at the common fall seasonal. This rich dark stout offers an inviting
pumpkin spice aroma that gives way to the delicate essence of real pumpkin.

Tastes like a stout with chicory and licorice but with no
pumpkin. I also get a metallic flavor out of it.

Dietz:

Not bad, really long finish of bitter chicory.

Chris:

Metallic.

Brad:

The nose of this is quite worty and green. It’s boozy,
malty, and bitter – like burnt espresso. Where’s the pumpkin?

Judge’s Results:

Top 3

Nolan:

1. Jolly Pumpkin La Parcella

2. Dogfish Head Punkin Ale

3. Samuel Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale

Joe:

1. Dogfish Head Punkin Ale

2. Samuel Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale

3. Jolly Pumpkin La Parcella

Matt:

1. Dogfish Head Punkin Ale

2. Samuel Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale

3. Shipyard Pumpkinhead

Dietz:

1. Dogfish Head Punkin Ale

2. Samuel Adams Harvest Pumpkin

3. Rock Art Spruce Stout

Chris:

1. Samuel Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale

2. Dogfish Head Punkin Ale

3. Jolly Pumpkin La Parcella

Brad:

1. Samuel Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale

2. Cisco Brewers Pumple Drumkin Ale

3. Jolly Pumpkin La Parcella

The Bottom 3 (1 being the worst)

Nolan:

1. Southern Tier Pumking

2. Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ale

3. Woodchuck Pumpkin Cider

Joe:

1. Southern Tie Pumking

2. Post Road Pumpkin Ale

3. Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat

Matt:

1. Southern Tier Pumking

2. Harpoon UFO Pumpkin

3. Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat

Dietz:

1. Southern Tier Pumking

2. Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat

3. Post Road Pumpkin Ale

Chris:

1. Southern Tier Pumking

2. Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ale

3. Woodchuck Pumpkin Cider

Brad:

1. Post Road Pumpkin Ale

2. Southern Tier Pumking

3. Harpoon UFO Pumpkin

Aged Pumpkin

After tasting through all of these, none of us were feeling
very good about ourselves. The morale of the story is:

If you’re going to drink pumpkin beer to begin with, don’t
bother aging it. Those that aged gracefully were pretty much the same as last
year, and those that did not were just plain fucking hideous.

We will not be re-visiting this category next year.

Blueberry!

#1 Sea Dog Brewing Co. Blue Paw Ale

According to the website:

Our unique
contribution to the fruit ale category features the nutty quench of wheat ale
combined with the delightful aromatics and subtle fruit flavor contributed by
Maine wild blueberries.

Judge’s Table:

Nolan:

The aroma is much like one of those smelly blue markers.
Fucking awful.

Joe:

This is what it would smell like if I tucked several
blueberries under my scrotum and went jogging. It tastes like stale BOOBERRRY
cereal.

Matt:

The artificial blueberry in this reminds me of a scratch and
sniff book.

Dietz:

Holy fucking artificial blueberry, like a blueberry vodka snatch and sniff. Tastes like shitty warm beer, which it is - heavy on the BOOBERRY.

Chris:

The smell of this is
like plastic toy blueberries nestled in dirty laundry.

Brad:

This doesn’t smell remotely like real blueberries, and the
flavor is musty, moldy, and stale.

#2 Atlantic Brewing Co. Bar Harbor Blueberry Ale

According to the website:

A light fruit ale,
made with Maine wild blueberries. As opposed to many of the sweeter fruit beers
on the market, our addition of fresh Maine wild blueberries in this light ale
yields a subtle blueberry aroma, without the sweet aftertaste. A mixture of the
following Mutton malts, pale, crystal, and Munich, are combined with wheat to
give this ale its lighter body, and we only use minimal amounts of Target and
Willamette hops.

Judge’s Table:

Nolan:

Mild, tastes like beer and real blueberry, but I still don’t
like it.

Joe:

I think this is perfectly drinkable, as it tastes like real
blueberries. One of the best things we’ve tasted today, for sure.

This beer is brewed
with a blend of barley malts and crushed wheat to gently lighten the body. True
Blue is a crisp blueberry ale with an assertive blueberry nose followed by a
more subtle blueberry flavor in the body of the beer. We feel you won't find
another beer quite like it.

Judge’s Table

Nolan:

Tastes like rubber to me, too bad, considering these guys
make some pretty decent beers!

Joe:

This is like tongue-jacking a Michelin tire that has been
riding through a scorched blueberry patch.

Matt:

This has a very unpleasant bitterness to it, and the
blueberry comes through in an inappropriate manner.

Dietz:

Not as good but still not shitty, wait, no - it is actually. I don't prefer it.

Chris:

Tastes like zinc and dirt.

Brad:

No likey. There’s blueberry flavor, and then something goes
horribly wrong with notes of resin and rubber.

#4 Shipyard Brewing Co. “Smashed Blueberry”

According to the website:

Smashed Blueberry is
the newest beer in Shipyard Brewing Company's Pugsley's Signature Series line.
This beer is a hybrid between a Porter and a Scotch Ale and has a rich mouth
feel and a body of complex intensity. Upfront, there are distinct flavors of
coffee and chocolate beautifully accentuated by the aroma of fresh blueberries.
The finish features a delicate balance of sweet fruit and dry hops.

This beer pairs well
with glazed duck, ribs, barbeque, chocolate, and blueberry deserts. To fully
experience all the flavors, Smashed Blueberry is best drunk at 55 degrees
Fahrenheit.

Judge’s Table:

Nolan:

It has a medicinal flavor that makes me wonder if they
brewed with Robitussin instead of water. I don’t feel very good.

Joe:

The nose reminds me of Dimetap, and it tastes like a purple
freezer pop cut with ink.

Let me start by pointing out that this beer has very poor
slamability. It is sweet like aspartame and Splenda, and is
over-carbonated.Also, the flavor is
more like currant, than blueberry. Can we be done now?

Judge's Results:

Nolan:

Best: Altantic Brewing Bar Harbor Blueberry Ale

Worst: Sea Dog Brewing Blue Paw Ale

Joe:

Best: Altantic Brewing Bar Harbor Blueberry Ale

Worst: Sea Dog Brewing Blue Paw Ale

Matt:

Best: Altantic Brewing Bar Harbor Blueberry Ale

Worst: Sea Dog Brewing Blue Paw Ale

Dietz:

Best: Altantic Brewing Bar Harbor Blueberry Ale

Worst: Sea Dog Brewing Blue Paw Ale

Chris:

Best: Altantic Brewing Bar Harbor Blueberry Ale

Worst: Sea Dog Brewing Blue Paw Ale

Brad:

Best: Altantic Brewing Bar Harbor Blueberry Ale

Worst: Sea Dog Brewing Blue Paw Ale

Conclusion:

All of the tasters are noticeably grumpier by the time this
is over.

For a solid day following the tasting, my house continues to
smell like artificial spices and stale beer. Why do we do this to ourselves
year after year?