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So many important things have happened in the last few weeks that I thought the news warranted itís own thread. So here goes:

My last report to you guys about my situation here was that Iíd been asking around for students for private tuition and I was waiting to hear back from some.

Well, firstly I was right about the gossips starting up again. However, it seems I was wrong about the Albanian mother Ė she recently told my friend she is still interested Ė but she hasnít had time to call to see me. The 18 year old girl stopped me last night and said sheís not sure if she will have enough time to fit private lessons in Ė she will know for sure next week when she gets her school timetable. I have 2 other Ďpossiblesí but have something more important to tell you first:

Once I realised the gossips had started up again, I began getting stressed out again. After long talks with my friends and a lot of thinking, I came to the conclusion that it was time to confront the situation head-on once and for all. So: firstly, with my friendís help I have arranged for an hiv organisation to come from the mainland to speak with parents/students/young people here in the village about hiv. They are coming in October. Secondly, in the meantime, I have decided to be honest with prospective parents and tell them about my status upfront, before the gossips have a chance to reach them. I started last night with the other 2 Ďpossiblesí I mentioned.

My friend went along with me as Ďmy mouthí, so that we could explain properly in Greek and she told the whole story twice over to 2 different mothers. Both reacted well. The first one cried and hugged me and the second one said she had no problem at all with me and was definitely still interested. Unfortunately both needed to also ok things with their husbands, so now I am on tenterhooks left waiting to hear from themÖ

Iím really past caring what people think. My only concern is whether or not I get any students. Iíve disclosed to so many people (aside from the parents) this past 2 weeks Ė all great supportive reactions Ė and I have subsequently made new friends. With the situation the way it is here for me now, I am basically going in with the new approach that it is no longer about who I can trust, but rather it is about separating the people I want in my life from those I donít, based on their reactions. Simple as that really.

I didnít say anything here sooner because too many things were unfolding and changing day to day and I just didnít have the time or energy to be updating things on a daily basis. Plus I wasnít ready to share in case I bottled out. But I'm glad to be able to say that I didnít bottle out. The ball is now rolling with parents and I am continuing to ask around for prospective students. I also contacted my ex-employer from the school a few days ago and cleared the air with her - I just decided it was time and feel much better for having done it. Also, while I was on the mainland, I managed to fit in an impromptu visit to the organisation that will be coming here in October. I spoke with a psychiatrist there and got some basic info leaflets in Greek to offer to parents.

I know Iím doing the right thing but I still feel anxious. I think I will be until I have a definite yes from someone.

So, thatís where Iím up to right now. Jumping every time the phone ringsÖ

Melia

« Last Edit: September 20, 2006, 01:21:57 PM by sweetasmeli »

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/\___/\ /\__/\(=' . '=) (=' . '=)(,,,_ ,,,)/ (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

People will always respect honesty, and that's what you have given them, and not only that, you are now offering them an education in HIV, I think that's a wonderful idea..the more they learn the more understanding they become...and that's always a good thing.

Behind you 100%..if anyone can make this work it would be you...let us know when that phone starts ringing with the good news.

Melia,My dear, you have taken a very difficult, emotional step in your life.

May I say, whatever happens, you have started down the path to really living with HIV. This isn't an easy task.

For quite a while now, you have been on an emotional razor's edge. Now, you have taken control of your life once again and are calling the shots.

You are absolutely correct when you said:

Quote

Iím really past caring what people think. My only concern is whether or not I get any students. Iíve disclosed to so many people (aside from the parents) this past 2 weeks Ė all great supportive reactions Ė and I have subsequently made new friends. With the situation the way it is here for me now, I am basically going in with the new approach that it is no longer about who I can trust, but rather it is about separating the people I want in my life from those I donít, based on their reactions. Simple as that really.

I am very proud of you. It may not be easy, and there will still be ups and downs, stress and strong emotions, but now you are in control.

I found that when I stopped caring what others thought about me, my HIV, my lifestyle, I was liberated - I was freed from the fetters others would place upon me.

It isn't always easy and I've had my share of difficulties over the years, but now I live under my terms, not those others would impose upon me.

I wanted to post something sooner, however my schedule has been crazy (I have long days M-W). I wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and your journey with all of this. I know things are going to work out well for you, cuz you are a special person. Keep sharing your experience, you inspire!

One of the mothers just called me and said they definitely want me. We are getting together tonight to discuss books and hours.

I CAN'T STOP SMILING!!!

One very very very relieved Melia

*(edited to say: Thanks guys for all your good thoughts and wishes! And bravo Kate for your 2 phrases of Greek, haha...Efharisto for the kali tihi wish! Meant to say that this morning and forgot cos I was in a tizzy from my news! Am still floating, tralala..!)

« Last Edit: September 08, 2006, 11:46:30 AM by sweetasmeli »

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/\___/\ /\__/\(=' . '=) (=' . '=)(,,,_ ,,,)/ (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Remember when you first came here, and were going through the heaviest shit you have ever dealt with in your life? Then you were having a really difficult time seeing your way through all the changes, closets, neighbors' gossip, a job that wasn't working out; and here you are, disclosing, taking your woman power, and turning the corner on all those bad feelings and events that were really screwing with your brain.

Girl, I say you have come a long way BABY! Keep control of your woman power, stay centered and I promise it will only get better from here. Greece really needs you right now, and for whatever reason you are there; now they are going to be so very glad you came to visit.

In Love and Support.

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The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,and 362 to heterosexuals.This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals, It's just that they need more supervision.Lynn Lavne

I admire your bravery and strength. Fantastic. Your posts sounds as though you are in a very good place right now...a little scared...but really strong and determined.

And you are so right...keep the good people in your life, and the rest of them can go and take a hike.

This may sound silly, but I think things happen for a reason. You may be in this small village to educate them on more than schoolwork. Your bravery and willingness to share your experiences will save people's lives.

May the road rise up to meet you.May the wind be always at your back.May the sun shine warm upon your face;the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

- traditional gaelic blessing

Love & hugs,

Alan

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"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

The mother hasn't told her husband! She doesn't want to risk his reaction. But she wants me to start lessons with her daughter next week anyway. Which leaves me pretty much where I was before... I don't want to be taking on students if there's a risk I may lose them somewhere down the line...I want everything out in the open so I have no worries. What do I do??? I'm thinking of telling the mother if she doesn't tell her husband, then I can't do the lessons...I don't know!

And the other mother said no. She didn't even have the decency to come and see me to tell me; I bumped into her in the road and had to ask her myself. She said it's not that they're afraid but they're ignorant.

Do you know, I haven't even got it in me to explain...I'm so tired of this shit!

Melia (whose bubble has burst...)

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/\___/\ /\__/\(=' . '=) (=' . '=)(,,,_ ,,,)/ (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

I am sorry about all of this, the complexity of it all, etc. You have a strong sense of ethics. You are right to have such high expectations. All I can say is be patient. Sometimes when we construct such wonderful towers, there is no one to fill them. No one to join us there. Love gives freely without condition. I know it is difficult, but give until the door is closed and then find another that is open. Do you know what I am trying to say? Although your heart is broken, what is the work that you do right now? Just keep loving and working...

You have a definite yes from me! No need to be anxious. If anything, your new approach of being open and honest will separate those you would wish to have in your life from those you would not. More power to you, I say.

I didn't go into this whole thing with any expectations; just a bit of fear and a lot of hope. I know I should be being strong and patient but I feel like all I've been doing for 2 years now is being strong and patient. But it's exhausting! I'm so tired of everything being so difficult. Its been that long I cant remember when my life wasnt complicated. And I feel burnt out. It's like I'm doing all the right things but it means nothing; I'm getting nothing in return for my honesty and courage. So whats the point? I'm tired of complicated! I'm tired of difficult! I don't want challenging anymore! I want some simple for once, just once! Someone anyone, please tell me, does life ever get simple living with this f**kin disease?

I'm thinking of throwing the towel in here in Greece and moving back to the UK, even though I don't want to. I'm beginning to think that living by the sea, having a great climate, a nice home and a few nice friends are not worth all this f**kin hassle!

Sorry for ranting but am very pissed off and fed up of this crap!

Melia

*(edited to say: Don't worry, I'm not giving up...just tired and pissed off and need to rant...I dont do it often!)

**( and edited again to say: Thanks again for all your words of support/encouragement...I'm grumpy but still grateful!)

« Last Edit: September 09, 2006, 03:20:12 AM by sweetasmeli »

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/\___/\ /\__/\(=' . '=) (=' . '=)(,,,_ ,,,)/ (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

sorry i haven't offered anything up until now, but i have been reading your threads, and i want you to know that you are in my heart.

i'm going thru such a point in my professional career where i'm wondering if it's worth the stress and hassle of not knowing if i'm going to catch TB or some other funky-ass disease on my 8-hour shift (i'm a nurse in the ICU of the local "charity" hospital).

I am proud of you for having the courage to put it all out there. i'm hoping that something good will happen for you and turn things around for the better.

You needed a YES to boost your self confidence, which somehow is late in coming.

Just like to quote the following for you, hopes it help :

I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books writtten in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer ............(rainer maria rilke)

Hey Melia, Hang in there. Take on your student. Here's my logic. You need to work, we all need to be engaged. Even if the husband says no, you're ahead in fees for whatever lessons you've taught. You fretted over ever getting one, but you did. You're fretting over whether you'll keep one - I suspect you will. Your plan to bring info to the village is proactive and laudable. I think you're out ahead of the situation, not behind it. Do take the time to enjoy a lovely view of the Mediterannean at sunset - that'll help too! Take care.

My friend helped me to explain to the mother and ask her to tell her husband. I told her I really do want to teach her daughter but I would only do it if they were all ok with me up front. So, she understood and said she would tell him tonight and let me know the outcome...

Also another mother (English this time) has expressed an interest today. It was actually someone who I was slowly becoming friends with. She was still interested after I told her everything, just has to discuss it with her husband...hes English too, so theres hope!

I don't want to start with a student if theres the chance we may have to finish 'if I get found out'. That's why I want to be upfront with parents. I just dont need or want any more unnecessary worry or stress. Also I don't want to teach for the money. I live a very simple life here and dont need much money to live. I want to teach because its something I love to do and (for the first time in my life) I know its something I'm good at.

Will let you know any developments...

Melia(who is a bit anxious still but less grumpy...and apologises for using the F word earlier! )

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/\___/\ /\__/\(=' . '=) (=' . '=)(,,,_ ,,,)/ (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

ChicagoMike

In my opinion, you should not turn down the woman that wants to hire you because she has not told her husband. From what you have written, sounds as if you are very upset with all that has happened during the last few days. Why turn down the business? What would that gain? So what if the husband finds out down the road and they end up firing you? But on the flip side, there is also a big chance that will NOT happen. Don't be afraid of what you THINK may happen in the future!! Your future could end up being a million different possibilities. Deal with the here and now and actuality. TAKE THE BUSINESS.

With each new student you obtain, your reputation will be your biggest asset. One by one your business will grow. TRUST ME!

I have only been on this forum for a short while, but its posts like yours, for the good and the bad that are encouraging to all of us here, especially those who are fairly newly diagnosed. It tells us that our daily struggles and doubts are normal. Some days, I and I am sure others just want to give up and other days, there seem to be a world of possibilities.

It's the English mother I mentioned earlier in the thread. She discussed it with her husband and he was fine about it. She came to tell me today. She wants me to start with them in a couple of weeks time. Their daughter is 7 and their son is 5. Both kids speak English but they can't read or write it. So I'll be teaching them together. It's only an hour a week to start...but at least it's a start...a foot in the door, so to speak!

Oh joy!!!

Melia

*edited to say:PS: Forgot to say, I saw the other mother (who told me no) in the street again yesterday and gave her some information sheets about hiv in Greek. I'm carrying copies in my bag from now on, so I'm prepared...

« Last Edit: September 11, 2006, 12:19:39 PM by sweetasmeli »

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/\___/\ /\__/\(=' . '=) (=' . '=)(,,,_ ,,,)/ (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

I know it's tough to remain convicted at times, but it sure makes the world of difference when you can hold your head up and know that you did what thought was the best, not only for you, but those around you. You're really setting a great example there, to which any of your prospective students should be proud to aspire!

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts