Can You Hear Me Now?

My favorite things include raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens. Also brown paper packages tied up with string. All of those things are lovely, but in my opinion Julie Andrews left out some very important items. Here’s my top 10, in no particular order:

Ice cream (any flavor as long as it’s chocolate)

Cats

Gay men. Every woman should have at least a dozen on hand at all times

Shoes

Satellite television

iPads

Walkie-talkies

Microphones

Plain M&Ms

Peanut M&Ms

Most of these are self-explanatory, but if you’re wondering about #7, I am obsessed with walkie-talkies, which is ironic since I cannot safely walk and talk at the same time. But standing still, they are just so way cool. I was a big fan of CB radio back in the day too. I loved saying breaker breaker, what’s your 20? 10-4 good buddy! Basically I love any device through which I can broadcast my every thought (like this blog for example). Obviously #8 is a variation on a theme.

Walkie-talkie privileges have only been bestowed upon me 3 times. Twice I was given a walkie-talkie at a law firm. The first time, my firm was moving, and we all needed a way to communicate throughout the whole hair-raising experience. So really I only had a temporary privilege. OK, maybe I had a little fun here and there, what of it? I ended up listening to some big boring lecture about appropriate use of the firm equipment blah blah blah whatever. After that I quickly gave everyone my 20 before they wrenched it out of my hands.

The second time, I was part of a highly trained elite office emergency response team, kind of like a Navy Seal except the only thing I had to do was clear half a hallway of people in the event of an emergency. Still, you never know when some stealth underwater work or a helicopter rescue might be required. It was a great gig because in addition to the walkie-talkie I also got a bright yellow windbreaker with big orange flames on the back. I was wielding quite a bit of power there my friends. I absolutely begged for a megaphone, but no luck.

Anyway, the one time I actually needed to use the walkie-talkie for what may have been an emergency, it was about 7:00 in the evening, and absolutely no one responded. I asked for help repeatedly and got the sound of crickets chirping. So I had to singlehandedly save everyone in the building while fighting back the smoke and flames and carrying an old lady and a baby to safety. OK, that was a slight exaggeration; it was just a surprise fire drill. No smoke, no flames, no old lady, no baby. But clearly I was ready, willing and able to risk my own life to get a bunch of corporate lawyers off their conference calls and escort their sorry butts to safety while they whined about me interrupting them. Bless their hearts.

The third time was when Dan bought a set for us, after 9/11, because it turned out that if I was on the roof of my office and he was on the roof of his office we could clearly communicate. There was one slight problem…my office was caddy-corner to the FBI and they had like a huge honking problem with me standing on the roof with a walkie-talkie. Another boring lecture about national safety from some sharpshooter or something.

As to microphones, I love them. Once again it’s the sound of me running my mouth and what could be better? No one will give me a microphone unless they absolutely, positively have to do it. At a fundraiser last year they had no choice because I was announcing the big prize winners. The executive director of the organization, and my good friend (I thought), stood 2” away from me, ready to wrestle me for the thing if anything bad went down, and hissing into my ear about what I was supposed to be saying. Geez, like I’m a loose cannon or something. If she could have figured out a way to put me on a 7 second delay, she would have been slightly more relaxed. So I made a few Priest/Rabbi/Horse in a bar jokes, is that so bad? And for one brief shining moment acted like a rock star and asked everyone if DC was ready to rock. It’s all just in good fun.

For now I’ll keep using this blog for shout-outs, but one day I will sneak a microphone when no one is looking, and finally have a little fun.

You would have been a terrific social director at Grossingers (but you’re too young to remember Grossingers probably – think Catskills, Dirty Dancing)…”Everybody listen up!! Shuffleboard at 2!! And remember it’s Limbo night”