It has been baffling the world's greatest brains for some time - why are England so bad?

There was that appalling performance against Israel, and before that Macedonia, Croatia, Northern Ireland, oh God, this sentence could go on for ever, I've got 40 years of hurt to torture myself with, so let's just list and evaluate all the different reasons and explanations and observations which have been made so far to explain what's gone wrong with England.

1. Our leading clubs being banned from Europe, that really cut off and handicapped our England stars when they played against European countries.

Do you remember that theory, back in the 1980s? It seemed to explain England doing badly. Total rubbish, then and now. This season, our clubs are the most successful in Europe - and still the national team is crap.

2. We have a golden generation of English players, best for some time, like Rooney, Ferdinand, Gerrard and Lampard, stars of our top clubs who are now playing brilliantly, conquering Europe, delighting the world, as of course the Premiership is the best league anywhere, blah, blah, so surely the England team, blessed with such talent, should be doing well?

The flaw in this argument is that it's the foreigners in our top clubs who are doing so well. Chelsea would be lost without Drogba, United without Ronaldo, Arsenal without Henry.

3. Actually, English players are poor at this moment in time, which makes it tough when anyone supposedly good gets injured.

That's more like it. Phil Neville is a Man Utd reject. Andy Johnson and Peter Crouch are strictly Championship. Defoe can't make the Spurs first XI. John Terry is a lump. Ferdinand sleepwalks. Lampard and Gerrard are too dumb to work out for themselves how to play together. Robbo's a dodgy keeper.

4. In fact, all our top teams are much better than England.

Most fans would agree that Man Utd, Chelsea, Liverpool and Arsenal earlier in the season could stuff the England team, any time. Thanks of course to all the foreign players. And yet, and yet, Italy managed to win the World Cup despite their league having so many South American and other foreign imports. It can be done.

5. Players play better with their clubs because they are more settled, train and live together, know each other's play. When they turn up and play for England, they are strangers.

Didn't handicap them in 1966, did it?

6. Rooney appears so unhappy playing for England, compared with playing for Man Utd.

Come on. Wouldn't you prefer to see Ronaldo and Giggs out on the wings, about to give you an ace ball, compared with Lennon crossing it into the stands or Downing running in the wrong direction? Or having Scholes behind you, laying on a proper pass?

7. We've got a useless manager, "Mad Mac" as the Daily Mirror called him last week or "Half Baked McDonut", according to the Sun.

It does explain a lot. If he'd been half decent, a Premiership club would have hired him, not boring old Boro. But who would you prefer? Bring back Terry Venables or Kevin Keegan? Or Sven, as he still hasn't got a job. Or Stuart Pearce, who was being tipped last time. No, we're now lumbered.

8. England players are being bribed to play badly by a fiendish Asian betting syndicate.

At last, a theory that would explain everything. But unlike cricketers, footballers are multimillionaires, so why would they want to do that? Ah, but rich people are greedy people, hence they'll sell out to Nike or anyone else willing to give them even more millions for doing very little.

9. The only solution, suggested the football columnist of the New Statesman, is that the FA should follow the example of Man Utd, Chelsea, Liverpool, West Ham, etc, and sell out to foreign ownership. That way the 91 suits on every committee would get the push, a proper businessman would be in charge and England's results would improve.

What a stupid idea. Who thought of that? The FA is a charity, so can't be sold.

10. Bring back Becks.

Even stupider, though hang on. We used to moan that all Becks could do is take free-kicks and corners, but now we don't have anyone as they're all useless. Perhaps he could return as a sub, only coming on for free-kicks?

11. "You don't know what you're doing."

This was shouted at the England players after Israel (and Macedonia, Northern Ireland, oh not again) and our poor petals found it jolly hurtful, as did Mad Mac when it was yelled at him. But it's spot on, the only 100% accurate observation that has been made so far about England. None of them know . . .

China and Taiwan fight for the high grounds of the Windies

One of the many mysteries of the Cricket World Cup, apart from the murder and the points system (what does R/R mean?) is those amazing, wonderful stadiums in which the games are being played. They all seem to be brand new architectural wonders. How can such titchy countries with no money possibly have afforded to build them?

South Africa, when it comes to the football World Cup, might make a right mess of things, but it's a big country with a big population, rich in minerals and resources. Those little West Indian islands did have bananas and sugar, but no one wants them now, and they've never had wine growing. In fact all they've got is tourism, which of course gets ruined every time there's a hurricane.

So what's the explanation? I was in the West Indies in January, for our annual summer hols, visiting Antigua and Grenada, and was astounded by the magnificent cricket grounds which were then being completed.

In Grenada, I managed to get inside the sparkling new ground, which seemed to dwarf the whole landscape. Grenada has a population the size of Carlisle, or Andorra, so who put up the money and built it?

The answer, so I was told, was the Chinese. That didn't seem to make sense. China is thousands of miles away and they don't play cricket.

Ah, but they like to keep in with little countries, even specks on the map, who might vote on their side when it comes to UN resolutions, especially on contentious subjects like Taiwan. The Taiwanese would seem to have the same idea. They put up most of the money for the new stadium in St Kitts.

Who's the handsome dastard in the black?

Thank God that's over, those England games, and we can get back to the Premiership. Life has been empty with no matches on Saturday, Sunday and Monday, here or in Europe. I've been going to bed at nine. Nothing else to do. Now I can start looking out for that Spanish ref whose name I haven't yet caught. I can't take my eyes off him. He's the one with the swept-back, sleek black hair, heavily Brylcreemed. Looks like a 1930s gigolo.

If Collina, the baldie Italian, could become a world star, this Spaniard could be our first galactico ref. Nicky Campbell is away