The Movie Spew: Die Hard 5 Gets a Release Date and a Terrible, Terrible Title

There was a time when the announcement of a new Die Hard movie would have been met with cheers of excitement.
That time was called the '90s and these days the prospect of John McClane
returning to the big screen doesn’t hold quite the same appeal.

Regardless,
Bruce Willis will get caught up in another elaborate heist/terrorist plot very
soon and we can all expect to see the movie on February 14,
2013.
Couples enjoying Valentine’s Day dates everywhere will get to watch John
McClane travel to Russia to save his son (who has been creatively named John
McClane Jr.) before getting entangled in all sorts of chases and shootouts in a
place where “nothing is what it seems.” Sounds like a cold war Die
Hard sequel arriving on screens a few
decades too late, but then you could say that about any Die Hard sequel (minus the cold war part).

The film will be
called A Good Day To Die Hard,
another terrible pun title following 2007’s Live Free Or Die Hard. If they are going to use wordplay like this for
these sequels, why the hell wouldn’t they call the movie Old Habits
Die Hard? Surely that would make more sense
given that the character is aging, but perhaps Bruce Willis doesn’t want to
admit that. Regardless, in just 16 short months audiences will get to have
their nostalgic memories of the excellent original Die Hard spoiled by yet another unnecessary sequel.

There’s really
only one way to properly celebrate this news and I want you all to say it with
me: “Yippie-kai-yay, motherf***er!”

The Guy Who Leaked Scarlett Johansson's Nude Photos Faces 121 Years in Prison

A few weeks back some nude photos of Scarlett Johansson leaked
on the Internet. It was something that made a lot of people very happy well,
with the obvious exception of Johansson as well as the FBI, who were a little
perturbed by the fact that a hacker was able to lift the pictures off of the
starlet’s cell phone.

The authorities have now tracked down the man responsible for the crime and he has apparently hacked into a number of
pretty actresses' phones including Jessica Alba, Miley Cyrus, Busy Phillips,
Vanessa Hudgens, Emma Caulfield, and Ali Larter. Thirty-five-year-old Christopher
Chaney’s nudie pic reign of terror officially comes to an end today and he
could face up to 121 years in prison if he’s convicted of all of his identity
theft and wiretapping charges. This case will set a precedent for perverted
hackers everywhere.

So, if you’re reading this article in the midst of a brief
break from your regular schedule of celebrity phone hacking, you might want to
take this opportunity to destroy your computer. You never know when Big Brother
is watching.

Seth MacFarlane Might Abandon Family Guy for Star Trek

Finally, this might not technically be movie news, but it is
kind of fascinating nonetheless. In a recent interview the one-man animation factory Seth MacFarlane revealed that he has some
surprising plans for his career. For one thing, MacFarlane claims that, "Part
of me thinks that Family Guy should have
already ended. I think seven seasons is about the right lifespan for a TV
series. I talk to the fans and in a way I’m kind of secretly hoping for them to
say we’re done with it. There are plenty of people who say the show is kind of
over the hill. But still the vast majority go pale in the face when I mention
the possibility." The show could end very soon, while still returning
occasionally for direct-to-DVD movies.

As to what MacFarlane will do when he doesn’t have to make
Peter Griffin fart and giggle anymore, there are a few options that curiously
involve remaking some of his favourite TV shows. It’s already been announced
that MacFarlane plans to launch a new version of The Flintstones some time in the next year or so, but what no one
knew before now is that the guy is also intending to reboot a certain infamous
sci-fi TV series and it’s not a comedy — it’s Star Trek.

"I don’t know who would give me the keys to that
car, but I’d love to see that franchise revived for television in the way that
it was in the 1990s: very thoughtful, smartly written stories that transcend
the science fiction audience," said MacFarlane.

While I agree that it’s
probably time for Seth to move onto new projects, I worry about this whole
“getting serious” thing. He’s clearly got a knack for comedy, so I hope he
doesn’t abandon it. Although the serious album he recently released suggests
otherwise. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens, but hopefully
he won’t pull a Jerry Lewis and make an earnest holocaust drama. Nobody needs
to see that.

Phil Brown was born years ago. He then grew up, went to university, and now reviews movies, interviews people and writes comedy. He writes for a number of websites and publications including the one you are currently reading. Phil can be found haunting movie theatres around Toronto. He isn't dangerous,…