Ask hailebop!

Did you ever wake up and wonder when your life became a soap opera? A bizzare mixture between 'Dawson's Creek' and 'Days of our Lives'?

I know I've had that feeling - that it's just all too dramatic and ridiculous, and wouldn't it be nice to go and under a nicely-furnished rock for a while? So, whilst I do not promise or claim to be an expert on how teenage boys minds work or how you can uncode your best friend's baffling behaviour, I'll always attempt to empathise and offer some honest words of advice.

I am 21, with a fairly dysfunctional life as a artsy student type. I've recently graduated with a degree in Philosophy, and am spending time working in the law before returning to university for further study. I still don't know what I want to do with my life, but I like where I am at the moment. I like shoes, bad television, chocolate cheescake and pretty things.

I am very busy at the moment, attempting to fund my life as a postgraduate (that's grad school to the Americans). I do still stop by quite a lot to help out with the admin stuff, but my column is pretty lame and inactive. Boo-hiss. I will however still endeavour to answer any questions that are sent my way, so feel free to send questions to my inbox.

Frequently Asked Questions

Actually, I made them up. But they are questions that I've seen more than once around this site (and, indeed, in the real world), and so have created general responses to them, linked below. It's a little sparse at the moment, but I'll be adding to the list as I think of more questions (and, er, answers to them).

Over the years I have had friends not many as the years go by i'm not sure if i'm not opening up enough but I have no idea what to do I have had like 30 friends to like 5 and some i think use me in a lot of more ways than one and I have been depressed over the last few months about this whole ordeal...how can I make more friends in my last 2 years of high school and have great memories or maybe would it be better if I killed myself.

You can't judge your value as a person by how many friends you have - it's better to have a small group of people (even one person!) that you really relate to than a whole clique of people you can hang out with but none of whom you really relate to.

Making friends is tough sometimes, especially if people at school are already settled into cliques that are intimidating to break in to - but just be yourself, smile and try and be confident and hopefully you'll find it easier to get to know people.

If you are concerned you are depressed, it's worth talking to your doctor. Everyone feels down sometimes, but talking about suicide maybe shows that your feelings run deeper, and if this is the case, a doctor will be able to talk to you about maybe seeing a counsellor or being medicated, depending on a number of factors. There are many organisations that can help you if you feel depressed - if things get on top of you, please talk to somebody - a doctor, teacher or family member, because they can honestly help. Good luck.

Hey.. well i fell in love with my best friend.. and we went out and before we went out I told him that i really wasnt sure about going out with him cuz i didnt want to jeperdize the friendship, and he promised me that he would always talk to me if/when we break up, cuz i used to talk to him ALL the time 24/7 litterally.. i fell asleep on the phone wit him once.. well we both did.. and i tell him EVERYTHING.. and still do.. and so then i believed him and i trusted him, and we went out for about a month it would b 2 next week.. and i went on for a vacation last week for 1 week and i got back this saturday (aug 1st or something) and we were at the highest point in the relationship.. and on monday we broke up.. he dumped me.. because he started liking the Amanda girl... and i really dont get it, if he LIKES her.. but he LOVES me.. shouldnt he b wit me? i dont get it... and now we BARLY talk.. and if we do its just like the normal convo.. or we fight... and i really dont want to.. i just end up telling him how i feel about him, me, or us.. and now he either ignores me, my messages (for aim), my texts, or my phonecalls... i really dont know what to do.. cuz i still reallly* like him.. and im all confuesed on how i like him.. like i know hes a free person and he should like who he wants and that there was 2 ppl in the relationship not just me and i cant get everything i want, soo please help me.. ill rate ne1! Sry that its sooo long.. Thank you..

It sounds like this guy you're involved with is confused about who he likes. That's tough on you as the recepient, but all you can really do is give him time and space to work it out himself. I know your reaction is to call him lots and try and talk things through so you can get some kind of closure on the relationship, or at least know what's going on, but if he's confused about his feelings badgering him might just make him push away further. Try being on your own for a bit - if he comes to the conclusion that he does in fact still love you, then you can give the relationship another chance, and if not, hopefully you showing him and his new girlfriend respect and understanding in an akward situation will mean that you can get back to being friends again. Good luck!

i dont know wut to do..i have this love for this boy that i have never felt befor i kno im only 15 but neone can fall in love no matter the age its ove thats wut happens well this boy i been wit for like a yr now on and off break ups but he always came back he always tells me he loves me and im difrent from his other girls but how do i believe him...he told me the other day that he wanted to be with me but he wanted to fuck other gurls...hes a player i knew that from the beginning but hes changing little by little... and i dont know if i should wait for him or move on... i dont think ill ever move on cause he is my first love and shit and i never felt this way bout anyone...its hard i almost killed myself over him...help me please... (i rate)

No relationship will ever run completely smoothly, but there is a point where you have to draw the line - it sounds to me like this guy is using you, and that's only going to keep on hurting if you stay around. I would advice having a break from him for a while - hopefully a few weeks without you will make him realise what he's missing and realise he'd rather have just you then meaningless sex with other girls, or, if he doesn't come round, it'll make you realise what *you* are missing - a wonderful boyfriend who actually respects you. But all the best - I know how hard it is to break free from somebody you really love, even when they aren't treating the relationship with the care it needs.

How can I get real good revenge on my ex boyfriend? He dumped me b/c he got too horny and we started to do stuffthen "god" told him to break up with me... which is a load of shit... someone help plz.. thanx a lot.and nothing that will kill him or hurt him too too bad :D thanx

I don't think revenge is the right path to take. It sounds like you're angry because you don't feel you've had an adequate explanation for what happened. Try talking to him about it - be clear that you accept you've broken up, but are confused about the reasons. Sadly though, you might have to accept that his given reason is genuine or is the only answer you are going to get. Whatever happens, it's better to be the bigger person, forgive him and move on.

i wanna give up on boys soooo bad ok im a beautiful girl who loves 2 have a great time and i have a nice body a pretty face and im sweet and i can get a guy but... i cant get a guy 2 fall in love w/ me duz that mean something is wrong w/ me i mean guy that have fallin in love w/ me they did after it was over between us its like they miss wut they had how can i get a boy 2 fall in love w/ me when im w/ them HELP ME... I RATE

There is nothing wrong with you. As others have said, love is just something you cannot control. All you can do is be positive and explore relationships with guys who you like (and who like you!) and hope they develop into love - but don't be down on yourself if things take time - real love is worth waiting for.

(Please do not suggest the Avatary, or whatever that site is called. It does not allow direct linking which is the only way I can get the avatar onto my site.)

I won't claim them for my own. I just want to put them on my site.

Thanks for your help.

If you've found icons you like, you can upload them to somewhere like photobucket.com which allows you to host pictures and avatars and direct link to them for free. Hosting your avatars is generally better than direct linking, because direct linking uses up the poster of the icon's bandwith and so cost them, and for this reason, many icon makers dislike people direct-linking to their creations.

Personally, I use icon journals on sites like livejournal to find avatars. http://www.livejournal.com/community/basicbases is good, as is http://www.livejournal.com/community/iconaddicts

how can i find out how big my boobs are [ possibly a way i coudl find out at home?]

It might be embarassing, but the best way to get an accurate measurement is to get yourself measured in a store that specialises in lingerie. Going to a store will also mean you'll get advice about what styles of bra are best suited to your size and what you want. But if you'd really prefer to do it yourself, as others have said, you just need to calculate the difference between the measurement of the widest point of your bust and the measurement of just underneath your beasts. :)

ive been really really close with my friend emily from 4th grade....i've also been friends wit another gurl chelsey since 1st....emily hated chelsey...then one day this year i invited both of then ova hopin they'd become friends...they did...now they hang out moa than i've hung out wit both of them....i cant tell emily a secret wit out her tellin chelsey and vise versa...sadly i think im jelous(:-(....i dont want to lose them!..what do i do!

Jealousy is a natural emotion. The best way to deal with it is to be honest and talk to your friends - stress that you like them both and are glad they get along, but explain that you miss spending time alone with each girl and want to be included more. It might be a difficult conversation to have, but good friendships are built on honesty. I hope it goes well for you.

I LKE MY NEIGHBOR ANDI THINK HE LIKES ME BUT HE DOENST ACT LIKE I MEAN HE ISNT VERY OUT GOING OR HE DOESNT FLIRT BUT HE IS REALLY SMART SO DOES HE LIKE ME DO U THINK?

It's hard to tell from such limited information. Sadly though, if he's not displaying any sign that he likes you as anything more then friends, he probably doesn't. You could try experimenting with flirting with him to see if you get a reaction, but at this stage it might be best to just leave it for a bit and find somebody else who's interested in you.

OK GTHIS BOY I WENT OTU WITH TELLS ME IM HOT AND THAT IM BEUATIFUL AND COULD HAVE ANY BOY I WANTED BUT HE SAID ALL THIS AFTER WE WENT OUT SO IF HE SAID I COULD GET ANYBOY I WANT HOW COME NO BOYS AVE ASKED ME OUT?

He's complimenting you. Teenage boys are often a little clueless when it comes to being complimentary to their dates, but he's probably trying to be nice. Saying that you could have any guy isn't a suggestion that you should - he's just trying to compliment you by saying you are a great person that makes a great date that many guys would like.

Don't question why more people haven't asked you out - it sounds as if you've got somebody nice who's interested and likes you. If you like him back, see how it goes. Good luck!

the boy i like well his mom says that he doesnt like any girls but is always hanging around me doe that mean he likes me?we do a lot of stuff like make jumps for my romote control car and we jump on my trampoline together and ride my scooter together do u think he might like me or is he trying to be friendly please tell me

His behaviour sounds like it could be read either way. If you like him though, why not try flirting with him or asking him to do something with you like go to a film? Being direct is the best way to get a straight answer from him. Don't be afraid of him! If he likes you, then it could be the start of something fun between the two of you. On the other hand if he does just want to be friends then at least you know and can move on. Good luck!

i want to do it on prom night but what if my boyfriend forgets a condum i mean should i wait till he gets one or shouldi go make him buy one?

It would be sensible to discuss contraception with your boyfriend before you have sex. Once you've talked about it, your boyfriend will know that you expect him to bring condoms.

However, you need to remember that contraception is the responsibility of both partners. It's good that you are planning ahead, but realistically you need to make efforts yourself, such as bringing it up in conversation or buying condoms yourself rather then just expecting him to think of it. Really decesions about contraception should be made responsibly by the pair of you. If the thought of having such a conversation with your boyfriend scares you, then I think you need to reconsider whether you are really ready to have a sexual relationship just yet.

I am doing an advice column in a school project and i don't know what to do!

You'll need to tell me more about this school project. Are you answering hypothetical questions that you have to make up, or have you been given a set of problems that you've been asked to give advice to?

If you are acting agony aunt, the best advice is usually what comes from the heart. Normally when you hear a problem you have a gut reaction, and that's normally the best advice. If you are stumped by the problems being asked, imagine how you would respond if a friend was asking you what they should do in the same situation.

Half of a good advice column however is the tone it's written in. You want to be friendly, sympathetic and open-minded. The tone of your responses will decide whether more people write in to your column, so keep things nice. Never tell somebody that they've done something wrong even if you personally do not approve of their actions. A good columist will offer advice rather then telling the person they've done something wrong or being disaproving.

Remember that these are people's problems, and so empathy is paramount. You might think the solution to the problem is simple, or that the person just needs to pull themselves together, but this is rarely either what a person either wants or needs to hear. Be sympathetic and have a kind tone whatever your message is.

My final piece of advice is to not be afraid to suggest other places a person could go for help. It is useful to have a list of helpline numbers on your advice page which people can call for more immediate help. There is a good list at http://www.spacefem.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=10181 . If you are unsure about how to answer a question, then it is better to advise a person to call a relevant helpline then bluff them with advice that might be bad or irrelevant to them.

Mainly though just give advice from the heart, and I'm sure your column will be a great success. Good luck! I'm here if you need more help.

My ex boyfriend dumped me over about 2 months ago and im still hung up on him. Even though he's moved on. I really want to get back together with him and I can't stop thinking of him, and he doesn't even notice me anymore. What do I do?
SL

I think you know that you need to move on, but it's always easier said then done. You can't just change how you feel about somebody. Instead, you need to concentrate on being positive and distracting yourself from this guy. Try to avoid him and concentrate on going out with your friends, or try and meet new people. When you're having fun on your own, you'll gradually realise that you don't depend on him for happiness. Once you've got to that stage, the world is really your oyster. It's not easy to get over people that you care about, and there is no real way you can force yourself to be over someone. Eventually with some effort the time will come though when you are really ready to move on, and you'll be happier for it. Good luck.

There is this guy..I like him a LOT...He is funny and nice and everything...but this other guy asked me out..And i like him too..You see...
The first guy is...Funny...Nice..Cute..Sweet..etc..
The Other guy is...Nice..Cute..And obssesive..and Funny...

I like them both..But i dont know which one to go with...What do you think?

The tone of your message suggests that you prefer guy number one. You've said both guys are funny, nice and cute. Guy number one however has the additional quality of being sweet, whereas the only other 'quality' you've mentioned with guy number two is his obsessiveness. On those words alone, it doesn't seem like much of a battle.

That said however, only you can know which one you are actually more attracted to. There are no rules when it comes to attraction, and you might find that you actually prefer the other guy. Just take things slowly with both of them and keep getting to know them - and hopefully you'll find a preference emerges. Good luck!

ok so this is the problem a month ago tommorow i started dating this guy. he treats me like a saint. he says he loves me and his brother and father tell me how good i am for him.in fact that after his life went downhill, im the only thing to make him happy, but im unhappy. im not physically attracted to him. and i kno thats shallow, but he likes to be very physical. today this guy i really like asked me out, i said yes w/o thinking. i really dont want ot hurt the guy im with now. and i refuse to cheat. im so confused and hurting inside like u would not believe. he did nothing to deserve this, its just i felt like i was smothering. maybe im wrong. i kno i am, that i should be able to make myself love him the way he does me, but i cant... i just cant. god please help me, and tell me what to do. im soo confused

You shouldn't be in a relationship with somebody simply because you feel guilty about leaving them. Although this guy might like you, I'm sur he doesn't want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with him and isn't being true to himself. You owe it to both you and him to end it. Just be gentle with the guy and say that you don't feel right in the relationship and you don't want to continue and hurt him.

As for this other guy, I'd advise to wait a bit with him, and to take things slowly. You don't want a rebound relationship simply because you find this new guy physically attractive, as that'll only hurt you in the long term. I hope it works out for you.

well i used to live with my step mom. she was very abusive in many ways (ie) telling me i was worthless, throwing things at me, forgeting about me all kinds of thing she once made me stand in a corner from sunrise to sunset for 6 days straight but im getting off topic...im now no longer living there i was able to move in with my father who i realized that i wanted to live with after i could see through all the brainwashing done by my mother.... now its been a few months since i last saw her let alone talk to her...yet after all of the pains she has caused me i keep trying to reachout and make contact with her. i called her to wish her a happy new year and merry christmas and she never called me back to even say hi. yet im still filled with a conpulsion to call her once more and try all over agian. each time i do this im thrown into a depression that is hard to get out of. should i keep trying to reach out or should i go about it another way. please help

lost in fl.

I'm so sorry. That is a horrific thing for anybody, especially a child, to go through.

I hate to say this, but it probably is best to just back away from her. I think you do need some sort of closure, so maybe writing her a letter or leaving her a message saying that you won't be making contact again would be a good idea, or you might find it difficult to ever fully break away from your past.

I think it would be extremely valuable to find a counsellor, who will be able to help you come to terms with your abuse. Maybe one day when you have fully recovered and feel ready you'll be able to face her again, but for now I think it's best to concentrate on your own life and your recovery. I wish you all the best.

what things do some guy find amazing when a girl does something or what things they just find attractive about girls. also the same question for the girls.

There are no set formulas when it comes to attraction. A quality that one girl finds irresitable in somebody can be a turn-off for a different girl.

Confidence is attractive, as in a sense of humour. The most attractive thing of all however is personality - let yours shine through. Not everyone is going to fall at your feet, and there is nothing you can do to make them - but the sort of people you want to be attracted to you will be attracted to a shining and vibrant personality, so just try and be yourself.

I have come to a conclusion.
My conclusion is: I am physically incapable of paying attention in algebra. I'm dead serious. I look DIRECTLY at the teacher, follow along in the book EXACTLY, and block out the sounds of Rick and Betsy ENTIRELY but I just CANNOT take in a word she says! When I was in regular math, I got all C's. Then I was moved to PreAlgebra and got 98's for a whole year. Now I'm in stinking algebra and starting to get C's again.
Have you ever been in a room with two people speaking a completely forigen language? You can listen and hear everyword, but it doesn't process in your brain. Welcome to math class. Another reason may be because I have it first class (8:00-9:45am) and the 13-year-old brain doesn't start fully functioning untill about 10. I'm just ALWAYS thinking about something else, usually my boyfriend, but sometime's I'll just read through class and then fail all the tests and homework. How can I get this into my brain??(sorry this was long)
~Non-Compliant with Algebra I

We all feel like that occasionally; some things are just hard to concentrate on, especially when you don't naturally find them interesting. For the sake of your education though, you've got to keep trying. You don't have to get top grades in the class, but you want to do as well as you can. Firstly, I'd advise moving away from Rick and Betsy - even if you can block them out, it's much easier to be distracted when you're sitting near friends then if you've got your own space. Secondly, have a word with your teacher if you find something especially difficult - it's easier to concentrate on what's being said in a one-on-one conversation. Finally, if you really are incompatible with mornings (as I'm pretty sure most of the world are!) then get out your algebra book when you get home. You don't necessarily have to do the whole lesson again as soon as you get home, but scanning over the book will keep it fresh in your mind, and you'll probably be suprised how much you *do* remember.

I'm 16. I'm mentally a tomboy. All my close friends are boys/men. I'm a heterosexual girl.
The problem is, I get along with men wonderfully as friends. Nearly everyone sees me as the perfect girl: I'm easy to talk to, pretty attractive, and considerate. Yet, as a result, I never find myself considering any male friend as even a 'prospect.' Sure, I find several attractive, but in my current situation I have enough male companionship/interaction to be completely oblivious to these needs and urges I'm supposed to be having.
I end up holding off from dating because I always find something not quite right, not necessarily with the person, but with the 'feel'. Not only that, but I'm terrified of short term high schoolesque commitment, as well as the whole 'social' "did you hear harry's dating sally? Jane's furious!".
Recently, I've found someone that I could fit well with (who has feelings for me), but I'm not sure if I should encourage this relationship any further because I might find something wrong within a few short weeks. It's not little, knowing myself, it's a huge possibility.
Is it fair to subject this wonderful guy to what's basically an experiment to see how long I can stay in a relationship (though I definitely care about him), or should I wait until I can manage to get out of this mindset?

~Only Me

I think it would be good for you to take the plungue with this guy. In reality, he's not going to be perfect and it won't last forever - but you are in high school, and that's okay. I'm not saying that you should date anybody who comes along, but you think you are compatible with this guy, he likes you and you like him - what's the problem? It's difficult to let go and take risks when you are used to just having platonic relationships with guys, but sometimes it's worth the risk.

Be straight with this guy, and take it slowly if your unsure. If it doesn't feel right, then stop - but don't let fear of becoming a teenager cliche who dates non-stop prevent you from having a relationship if it's actually what both you and the guy want. Good luck.