Usually I'm confused and upset by rampant movie merchandising. I don't really need Wall-E themed kleenex, or a James Bond Omega watch. OK, scratch that. I'd like an Omega James Bond watch, but there's no way I could afford it.

Anyways.

Despite my antipathy towards this kind of branding exercise, I find myself oddly excited over the news that the a new line of men's cologne will be accompanying the new Star Trek film, due out in May. The three scents - "Red Shirt", "Pon Farr" and "Tiberius" - conjure the muskiness of command, Vulcan mating rituals, and Captain Kirk respectively.

Now, you might be asking yourself "which Star Trek scent is right for me?" Well, this is a deeply personal decision, one you must come to after hours of painful introspection. For me, the choice is clear. If I wear "Red Shirt", my odds of dying on an away mission increase exponentially. And as I understand it, "Pon Farr" can only be worn once every seven years, and will necessitate some sort of grim battle to the death.

No, "Tiberius" is the Trek cologne for Graeme. Because really, who doesn't want to smell like Captain James T(iberius). Kirk? A galaxy full of sexy and occassionally green space-babes can't be wrong!