Science Offers Dating Advice for Spiders

South American spiders are more likely to mate successfully if they bring nicely wrapped dead insects with them, as this one has. (Photo credit: Mariana Trillo)

Dating can be hard work. Leaving a good impression, picking up on nonverbal cues, sending appropriately witty text messages, not being an awkward weirdo or betraying your obsession with Sherlock slash fic too early on — these are things that can be challenging for some people.

But compared to spiders, humans have it easy. For starters, we don’t practice self-sacrificing sexual cannibalism, as Australian redbacks do. At least most of us don’t. And on its own, there’s no way the act of transferring sperm can actually kill a human male. Male dark fishing spiders? Not so lucky.

We’re not actually obliged to present potential mates with a gift before sex. Well, not every time anyway. Some spiders are. If they could, these spiders would probably sympathize with the frustrating contrivance that is Valentine’s Day.

But, as it turns out, they’re getting a little bit of help from science. A group of researchers just published a study describing how male South American Paratrechalea ornata spiders can best woo their ladies.

Their arachno-dating advice goes something like this:

For starters, bring a gift. If you show up empty-handed, you’re probably going home disappointed. Also, if you give her a sucky gift? No sex. Probably.

Turns out, there are only two families of spiders in which males exchange these sorts of nuptial gifts with females during mating. One is Trechalidae, the semi-aquatic family to which P. ornata belongs, the other is the Pisauridae, or nursery web spiders.

The proper gift is not a bottle of sparkling rose or a limited edition Star Wars DVD box set with both the original unaltered version and the 2004 remastered editions. We would strongly suggest gifting a nice dead insect. Sure, other species’ females might prefer a neatly wrapped little package of sperm (or worse, a suitor’s abdomen), but what P. ornata females really love is a juicy insect to snack on while copulating. We know it sounds a little distasteful. But research has shown that the dead-insect route is a winner – compared to those that brought nothing, bearers of bugs were more successful at mating. That awkward courtship period was shorter, copulations were longer, and more sperm was transferred.

That’s not all. In addition to bringing the bug, make sure it looks nice. This means no skimping on the wrapping. Be forewarned, potential mates are not only going to judge you on the quality of what you bring, they’re going to judge you on the presentation. So wrap up that insect really well, in nice, bright white silk — assuming you can, since males in bad shape aren’t capable of producing such luminous silk. The color is important. It’ll shine nicely at dusk or dawn, and researchers have just shown that female spiders, collected in Uruguay, are attracted to bright white visual cues.

Oh, and another thing: Resist the temptation to pack the gift full of useless things, like seeds and busted exoskeletons. Deception doesn’t work, and you’re just being a jerk.