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The Long-Distance Marriage That’s Built to Last

More married couples are living in different cities—but it takes work to keep the relationship healthy while apart

Melanie and Todd Graeve text, call, email and FaceTime each other several times a day when his work in Omaha and her business and family duties in Kansas City, Mo., keep them apart.
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From left: Amy Kontras for The Wall Street Journal; Kent Sievers for The Wall Street Journal

If you were offered a good job, would you move to a different city even if your spouse had to stay put? More people are answering yes to that question.

The practice of married people living apart has risen 44% since 2000 to 3.96 million, census data show. Although the data include couples who live apart for all reasons, including incarceration or living in a nursing home, a sizable number do this for work. The share of adult married couples who live apart is highest in their 20s and 30s, when careers are typically on the ascent, and falls as couples approach retirement.

Some couples set up separate residences so one spouse can transfer to a new job. Some 20% of global employers have increased the number of employees who commute from their homes to new overseas assignments during the past year. And 30% expect further increases in the year ahead, according to a recent survey of 162 companies by Airinc Mobility, a workforce research and advisory firm. Other spouses embrace commuter marriages so one of them can satisfy midlife career ambitions after years at home raising children.

Todd Graeve of Omaha, CEO of the 190-store Scooter’s Coffee franchising company, and his wife, Melanie, met several years ago in Melanie’s hometown of Kansas City, Mo., and dated long-distance for several years before marrying in 2016.

Ms. Graeve has kept her Kansas City home because she co-owns several Scooter’s stores in the area with her adult daughter, Mackenzie Sykes. She also wants to stay close to her daughter Madison, a University of Kansas student.

While the Graeves spend many weekdays apart, they text, call, email and FaceTime each other six times a day or more, sharing selfies with their dog Buddy, photos of what they’re eating or snapshots of household items they’re considering buying. Video calls every evening allow each to read body language and tell if the other is having a bad day, Ms. Graeve says.

“The important thing is not to see yourselves as living separate lives,” she says. And trust is essential. Without it, “being apart could be really difficult,” Ms. Graeve says.

Recent research suggests new technology makes long-distance relationships a bit easier. Commuter couples can cook in tandem, eat the same meal or watch the same movie in separate homes, with images of each other’s faces hovering on smartphones or tablets nearby, says Danielle Lindemann, author of a 2017 study on commuter couples.

All but one of the 97 couples Dr. Lindemann interviewed had either returned to living with their spouses again or said they planned to do so in the future. Their time apart ranged from two months to 16 years, with a median of five years.

Beyond the obvious hazards to intimacy, some long-distance spouses say they have trouble conveying emotions or resolving arguments, says Dr. Lindemann, an assistant professor of sociology at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, Pa.

More than three out of four employers say pressuring couples to live apart for one spouse’s job risks upsetting the marriage and harming the employee’s productivity or morale, according to a 2018 survey of 320 employers. “It takes a really special relationship to survive,” says marketing executive Bill Black, who commutes on weekends from a new job in Omaha to his Atlanta home until his wife of 38 years, Tammy, can join him.

But living apart also can provide an adrenaline shot for your career. Karen Kroman Myers moved away from her husband briefly years ago for a university faculty position. “One of the values of having a long-distance relationship is that you work like the devil when you’re apart, so that when you are together you can truly enjoy the time,” says Dr. Myers, a professor of communication at the University of California, Santa Barbara.

Braedon and Teresa Simpson decided to live apart in 2015, when Braedon, a career military-service member, was transferred to San Diego from their Bellevue, Wash., home. Moving together would have disrupted client relationships Ms. Simpson had built as a division director for the staffing firm Robert Half. Mr. Simpson says he didn’t want to see his wife “give up something that she has worked so hard on.” He adds, “Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. This was one I felt was worthwhile for her, and for us.”

Some spouses told Dr. Lindemann their communication actually improved while apart, and they relied more on each other emotionally. “It was almost like a return to the excitement of dating,” she says.

People in long-distance relationships tend to be more intimate in their communication, a 2010 study at the University of Kentucky found. But they also tend to avoid conflict and gloss over differences.

Sandie Lawrence, of Tulsa, Okla., and her husband Dave, a safety and environmental specialist who works in Houston, have sharpened their communication skills while living apart three times for his work during their 26-year marriage.

Dave and Sandie Lawrence say living apart several times during their 26-year marriage has sharpened their communication skills and increased their enjoyment of weekends together.
Photo:
Sandie Lawrence

Phone calls used to trip them up. “You can’t read the body language, the sighs and the pauses,” Sandie says. She still recalls an argument years ago: Dave became frustrated because she was empathizing with him over a problem. He told her, “That’s not what I need. I need you to help me figure out how to fix this.” Since then, they ask each other what kind of feedback they want.

While their three children, now 15, 18 and 21, have lived with Sandie, she and Dave have shared parenting duties. When one had behavior problems a couple of years ago, “we put the phone on speaker and we talked about it with all the kids,” Sandie says.

Dave works long hours but immerses himself in family life on weekends, rehabbing their Tulsa home and other projects. “When he’s home, it’s pretty much full-on engagement. He loves the chaos and energy of the family,” Sandie says.

And when she visits him in Houston, “I love being able to just sit on the porch and drink coffee and not think about what needs to be done,” she says. “This has been a really happy surprise for me—that we can have this great relationship without necessarily being always together.”

Sustaining a Long-Distance Marriage

To stay close when living separately:

Confine work to days when you’re apart.

Start projects you can share when together.

Share details about your daily life by phone or text.

Find pursuits to share while apart, such as books, podcasts or music.

Find activities to do together, such as taking a walk while video calling.

Be open and honest about your social life when apart.

Find mutual friends in both locations.

Try always to have a date set for your next visit.

Plan and talk often about enjoyable activities to share.

Try to set an end date when you’ll reunite.

Work & Family Mailbox

Q: I have an acquaintance who rambles on incessantly about the same subject every time we meet. If I break in and try to introduce a new topic, he acts as if I never said anything and just picks up where he left off, oblivious. I don’t want to offend him by getting up and walking away. Any thoughts?—D.L

A: He’s fortunate that you’re such a considerate listener. Try jarring him out of his rut by holding up a hand as a stop signal and saying, “I’d like to change the subject now.” If he’s complaining, ask him to suggest a solution. Or bring up a topic you know he’ll enjoy, such as exciting vacation plans or work he’s doing.

Consider talking with him privately about the problem. If his babbling is driven by anxiety or perceptual problems, he may not be conscious of how others see him. If he is conscious of it and doesn’t care, he’s being narcissistic, and walking away is entirely OK. Listen politely for five to 10 minutes, then give an upbeat reason for moving on, such as, “It’s great to see you again, I promised myself I’d talk to Carrie tonight, so I need to slip away.”