Summer Fun for Boys

You’re gifted, you’re pudgy, and you’re nine. And now you have three whole months off from school! Here are just a few ways to fight boredom and enjoy your summer break:

Open a lemonade stand. On the second day, post a sign next to it reading, “CLOSED OWING TO HIGH TAXES AND RED TAPE. THANKS, OBAMACARE!” Then chat up the Fox News crew that instantly appears in your driveway.

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Beg Dad to take you to the beach. Hear him out as he tells you that he can’t take you to the beach. Tell him that Mom’s boyfriend, Glen, always takes you to the beach. Listen as Dad sighs the longest sigh you’ve ever heard. Get your swim trunks! You’re going to the beach!

At the beach, build the biggest sandcastle anyone’s ever seen. Pretend that it’s 2005, and take out a huge, adjustable-rate mortgage on the sandcastle which you really can’t afford. Throw lavish sandcastle parties for seashells, rocks, plastic shovels, and candy wrappers. When the bank comes to foreclose on your castle, run and find your dad. Try not to look surprised when you discover him sitting with a lady in a green swimsuit. Her name is Terri. While shaking Terri’s hand, ask her for a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar loan to cover your sandcastle debts. Before she can answer, run back and kick over the sandcastle. Take that, subprime lenders!

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Call Senator John Thune’s office, and tell the person who answers the phone that you’re doing a summer-school project on the Senate. When Senator Thune calls you back, ask him why on earth he chose not to run for President—he’s over thirty-five, and born in this country, and what’s the holdup? When he tries to explain about the hardship it would be to his family, lose your cool and yell, “Cut the crap, Thune!” As he tells you to stop being rude, yell, “Boo, Thune! Boooooo, Thuuuuune!” Brag to your friends later that you got hung up on by a U.S. senator!

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Go downstairs one morning to find Dad sitting at the breakfast table with that lady from the beach. When he says, “You remember Terri, right?,” mumble something, then go outside and do a somersault. Then do another somersault, and another, until you’ve reached the end of the block. Then keep going! Somersault past Menlo Park, New Jersey, where Thomas Edison invented the commercial electric-light bulb, and Buffalo, New York, where President McKinley was shot by an anarchist. Grab a quick dinner in Holland, Michigan, home of the world’s largest pickle factory, then somersault back home, up the stairs, and into bed. When Dad comes in and asks, “Where were you all day?,” pretend that you’re already asleep. Because you are, pretty much—somersaults are exhausting!

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Wake up one day to learn that Dad and Terri are going away to Europe for two weeks, and you’re going to sleepaway camp. One night, while making s’mores with your fellow-campers, bring up America’s childhood-obesity problem. Say, “What we need isn’t s’mores. It’s s’enoughs! Am I right?” Try not to look hurt when the others point out that you are by far the fattest boy at the camp. You were just trying to make a joke. Kids are so mean!

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When Dad and Terri come to pick you up at camp, ask how Europe was. Don’t be surprised when they are very quiet; they’re probably as enraged by the s’mores incident as you are.

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Organize a scavenger hunt with your friends. Rapidly gather up all but the last two items: a pinecone and something French. While searching in the woods for the pinecone, notice a beautiful woman strolling next to a stream. It’s the French actress Marion Cotillard! She’s also on a scavenger hunt, looking for a clever American boy. Work out a deal with Ms. Cotillard: the two of you will run to your house and collect first prize in your scavenger hunt (a Popsicle), then fly to Paris and collect first prize in hers (a billion dollars’ worth of rubies and emeralds). Quickly realize that the plan is unrealistic, as she’s due to start filming in Canada tomorrow. As you part ways with Marion, exchange a bittersweet smile that means everything and nothing.

Then run back and discover that your friend Stevie has already won the scavenger hunt. His “something French”? A bag of frozen French-toast sticks. Fume.

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At a late-summer cookout, try to eat twenty burgers. Eat five, throw up, eat two more, throw up again. The next day at breakfast, ask Dad if Terri saw you eat all those burgers. When he says nothing, realize for the first time that Terri wasn’t there.

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During the last week of August, walk to Walmart to buy school supplies. Along the way, approach a man and a woman shaking hands and ask, “Is this what sex is?” Repeat with couples who are gardening, eating lunch, waiting for a bus, and playing miniature golf.

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At the end of the summer, get a postcard in the mail: “It was really nice getting to know you. Much love, Terri.” Cross out the last line and write, “Avec amour, Marion Cotillard.” Put the note in a drawer, and lose it sometime around Halloween. ♦

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