I have almost no sense of smell. No, I don’t have a cold, I just have a big mouth, and it has cost me a broken nose not once, but twice. Part of that was because when you own a small town newspaper, and you step on the wrong toes, there is a price to pay. And part of it is because sometimes I just can’t resist zinging some idiot with a snappy comeback when they say the wrong thing. Apparently not all people find me nearly as charming as I think I am!

I love comedian Bill Engvall’s Here’s Your Sign routines, because I can relate to a lot of what he talks about. But while Engvall has reaped fame and fortune for his work, all I got was a deviated septum. Go figure.

I don’t have much talent in life; I can’t play a musical instrument, paint a picture, or build anything. But I can usually come up with some smart aleck reply at just the right time, and in just the right situation. We have to use the gifts we’re given, even if we have to pay a price once in a while. Besides, if nobody hits you, it can be a lot of fun!

For example, we were at an a major RV show a while back, and some sharp talking salesman waylaid me and went into his spiel, even though I told him I didn’t have any interest in what he was pushing. But this guy wouldn’t take no for an answer, and when I tried to walk away, he stepped in front of me and just kept right on talking.

Finally I said, “Look, I’m not interested. Thanks anyway.” and started to walk around him, but he blocked my path again. “And just why aren’t you interested?” he demanded to know. “Because it’s a piece of crap, and I don’t want it or need it, and I wouldn’t take it if you gave it to me,” I told him. By now several people were listening to our conversation, and he was getting red in the face. “You’re a real smart ass, aren’t you?” he said. Well, how could I pass up an opportunity like that? “No, it’s just that you’re such a dumb ass that I seem really smart to you,” I told him. While he was trying to figure that one out, I beat a hasty retreat.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with trying to sell your product, just don’t be pushy about it. After all, we were at the same show, trying to drum up business for our RV travel newspaper. On the other hand, sometimes people in the crowd can be really rude at these types of events. It’s like they get their jollies treating the vendors like crap. I offered one fellow a sample copy of our publication and instead of just saying “no thanks” he threw it down and said said “I don’t read anything!” I really was trying to help the poor fellow out when I said “Oh, don’t worry, they have special classes for people like you, that will teach you how.”

A favorite sneer for a lot of people, when you make them mad is “bite me!” They don’t seem to appreciate it when I reply “I would, but I’m on a low fat diet.” Why is that?

My parents raised me to be a gentleman, and all of my life I have held doors open for both men and women, no matter what their ages are. Surprisingly, there are some women who take offense to what I consider a simple courtesy. Just a week or so ago, I held the door for a woman. Instead of a simple “thank you” she glared at me and asked “Do I look handicapped to you?” Yeah, I know it’s the Christmas season and the time for brotherly love and all of that, so I probably shouldn’t have said “My mistake. I thought you were a lady.”

Of course, not all of my snappy comebacks are meant to be rude, sometimes I just have to blurt out whatever comes to mind. A few years ago, when we were teaching at the Life on Wheels RV conferences, one couple in my class was in their 70s, and a lot of fun to talk to, with great senses of humor. During a question and answer session, the wife asked if a personal question was allowed, and I told her sure. “In those RV parks, it looks like people are parked really close together sometimes. If you’re making love, does it make the RV shake, and can people hear you outside?”

Well, bless her heart! Folks, I looked that sweet old lady right in the eye and told her, “It does if you’re doing it right!”

A few months back when I was at work, I was going from the second floor to the first. The building only has two floors and because of a health condition I was taking the elevator. I step into the elevator which is already occupied by another person who quickly asks me, “first floor?”. My response…”Well, that is the only option.” I think he was trying to be nice and me…well, sometimes the connection between my brain and my mouth comes loose. Have a great day. Thirty more days till we full-time so I’m praying it warms up in Florida.

Nick, that was hilarious! I’m a Police Officer and I run into situations like this alot but I have no choice but to only THINK what I’d LIKE to say
P.S. I’m retiring in 2 years and the wife and I are going to be fulltimers….the countdown is on!
I subscribed to the Gypsy Journal a few weeks back and look forward to my first issue. I love your blogs and website.
Stay safe and Merry Christmas to you and Terry

Yeah me to Nick. Years ago I was working with a guy that did a dumb thing and I said to him,”you really don’t have to be smart to know better you’ve lived long enough to know better”. He just looked at me and in about an hour he comes back and says “I’ve been thinking of what you said and you’re right. Sometimes it takes a while to soak in. I just had to laugh at him.

Nick …. My best friend is just a little feller. When we were in Basic Training a loooong time ago he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and was always on the TI’s sh%t list. The TI labeled him as “Alligator mouth and Hummingbird A$$.” I still remind him regularly.

In my case it seems is open mouth insert feet usually up to the knee. Thanks for a good chuckle on this cold morning in Texas. We are sitting at 39 at ten AM though it is suppose to warm up to the mid 70s by afternoon.

Your comebacks are what make you so precious! I met you and Sweet Miss Terry at the show in Hershey, so I know you are a great guy. Nothing wrong with giving the world the benefit of your common sense!

Thanks Nick for a wonderful start to my day. Come back to Vegas my friend Its pushing 70 deg here this week, & there is still some water in Lake Mead for you to play in. Maybe we could get you a night job on the strip in a lounge.

Yes Nick, the best smart ass comment reaction is a complete freeze up by the other. One of my favorite smart ass comments was when a buddy came over to show me his brand new truck and I said – Well maybe some day you can afford a good truck !

i just got home after a REAL long day and was feeling prettygood until i held the door for a couple as we were leaving a convenience store. NOTHING! from either one. Kinda bothered me all the way home. reading this was great. Hooray for bad nick!