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Future me.

Sitting here, waiting for the next page of my story to start. I have been working hard, going to appointments, after appointment. Deciding to have weight loss surgery is not a easy decision. Other than my husband and a few people I have met during this process, no one knows. Funny thing is that since I started looking into it, the horror stories have been running wild. I listened, processed what I heard and moved on. The amount of GREAT stories, wonderful experiences and wonderful changes this surgery has done have outweighed all the negative.

Last winter was horrible. This year hasn’t been as good as previously, but not as rough. Life just got hard when I couldn’t get up off the bed or floor. I never had a problem being ‘fluffy’, and I am not trying to be tiny. I just feel like I would feel better if I was ‘lighter’. I had a goal, and it was to lose weight for my sisters wedding, just to be a jerk. More reasons than that one, but that was the one that made smile. problem is, now the wedding is off. I just hate using MS as a reason or excuse. I don’t want it to define me, and as hard as I fight it, to be in denial.

I have worked hard to be me. WITHOUT being that girl with MS. I want to have a family, have a career, stuff like that. I am too young to just roll over and give up. I want to be that person people remember for something. not just babysitting, sewing or having MS. I have come to terms (some what) with this disease, but I am not ready to give in. I have a lot of life left. I haven’t seen Niagara falls, been to the Florida keys or visited the rest of the US. I am not done dreaming, living or exploring.

My mother has been on my ass lately to get disability. But sitting at home, with a check to say ‘sorry for you being sick, here see what you can do with this little check.’ isn’t something I am ready to do. it might be something I need or have to do, just I am not ready to.

I don’t know if it will work. I am just know that I don’t want to give up. I have this fight in me, and right now that is where my fight is pointed. I want to be healthier, be able to able to run. I used to do that. Loved it. I want to go to great locations, without a seatbelt extender. I love to travel, flying is amazing. I want to walk into any store and find clothes that fit. Not plus size stores or sections, hoping. I do not want to spend $80.00 on a pair of jeans. OR t shirt.

In the last six months, since I started this journey, I have discovered things I didn’t know about myself. I have a collar bone. Never remember seeing that. I have all of these dimples. My husband loves to count them. He’s up to 13 so far. They are making me crazy. I have all these bones I didn’t see before, in my neck and arms. I have lost nearly 50 lbs and all of my clothes are way too big. Started shopping in thrift stores. Not as painful on the pocket book. I have more energy, and like to do more. There is this hour glass shape to me that is kinda nice. Did I mention that even my bras don’t fit? That is not one I am ok with.

My youngest nephew ran up and hugged me yesterday. He wrapped his arms around me and said ‘wow, you’re getting really skinny!’ Made this seem worth it. My mother has been taking credit for it, saying she’s rubbing off. NAH. I have been doing it. I have worked hard to get to this point, and I am proud of it. My husband is a great support, even if he eats cruddy on occasion. I know this is my fight, my battle and life. I know what’s right and wrong, how to make it and how to fail.

I want to tell people that the reason I am doing this isn’t for anyone. That would be a lie. It’s for my husband. To have a long life together, to give him the children he would be an amazing father to. For my family and friends. The future generations that I can help shape and influence. Opportunities that are out there, chances I don’t want to miss and places I haven’t seen. Memories that have yet to be made, stories that a building and impressions yet to left. I am doing this for MY future.