David Cameron assured those with fears that the system was open to abuse that every possible angle had been looked at.

“We’ve taken steps to ensure that only those who should be voting will have their vote count, we have a number of fail-safes and while I can’t go into too many specific details I can assure you that anyone who has ever clicked Like and commented on a photo expecting it to somehow move will have their vote expedited to the bin”

We spoke to UK citizen Craig Pace who’d managed to pay for 5 bitcoins, first by queuing for 4 hours, he was then stripped and forced to cover himself in jam by government officials before entering a gladiatorial pit full of hungry lions, cold and dripping with coarse cut golden shred Craig stood clutching a smart phone and a wad full of cash, ready to make his desperate sprint to the dealing desk as an amphitheater full of bankers roared their vitriol and threw rotten vegetables in disgust.

With our rich kinect feature set we simply hadn’t planned for such an uptake of our control pads, naturally we’re focusing on getting this fixed as soon as possible, so for our UK market we’re implementing an NHS direct APP into the Xbox one menu system that should be arriving next week for Gold subscribers, allowing you to get help and tips on suitable wrist exercises to alleviate blood flow, NHS direct has assured me these will be familiar and ‘second nature’ to Xbox users

Gareth joined by his two brothers Towel and Hay began filming the instant they landed at Heathrow; security was tight as holiday makers and press swarmed round the trio as they demolished the ‘golden triangle’ of McDonalds, KFC and Pizza Hut. Onlookers gasped in amazement at terminal 1 as Gareth come out on top, narrowly edging Towel on the final cheeseburger, in an out of breath and very brief victory speech the ex Real Madrid star gave a glimpse into why he left
“I got sick of the food, the diets, the lifestyle, there’s absolutely no pubs either, the place is totally outrageous boyo”

UK Prime minister David Cameron went on to outline plans for the future “If my American cousins will forgive me I don’t see this as a huge stride at all, this is a small step down a long path, my concerns deepen with every young citizen forced into Ecstasy use by listening to Techno or Hard house, or worse Crack Cocaine and Heroin by listening to that twat Pete Doherty, who I’m led to believe is now sidestepping the ban by forming experimental percussion group Bongo-shambles”

Researchers at the Glasgow based Royal Super Lager University concluded that anywhere between 100-200 hours of instense instagram usage is between 2-10 times more powerful than a normal acid trip. When presenting their findings the RSLU produced a series of slides, most poignant of which was a before and after shot of a domestic house cat, professors at the RSLU stated this was the closest visual representation to the damage they could muster.

A false wall revealing an early prototype e-cigarette, a list of customers from nearby towns and what appears to be 12 cans of Kestrel super lager tops the host of new compelling evidence leaving historians utterly baffled.

People say to me “Solomon, you have so much money, and the nicest things, how do you afford them?” and I always tell them gods truth “Advance fee (419) fraud, low budget adult movies and contrarian fucking investing” and always they say “But Solomon what IS a contrarian investing ting ting?”

“We’ve had to change the opening titles to reflect the rebrand, so now it’s just Clarkson mincing about a bit next to an old Sierra in what appears to be a jumble sale” BBC critics were quick to point out that this is generally an accurate reflection of the show.