Saturday, January 19, 2013

cruel hope

There was a tiki torch in the garden in the house I grew up in. I remember looking at it thinking it looked strange beside the various palms and leaves, the birds of paradise. But my mother brought it home from one of her trips abroad and for sentimental reasons (screw aesthetics), it stayed there until we packed up that house and moved to the city.

And it’s funny how I remember that torch now as I lie in bed, my mind haplessly trying to wrap around fleeting memories of you. It’s been three weeks since I last saw you and I find that as each day passes, it takes more and more effort to remember what you look like. I remember the mole on your right cheek. I remember the lines around your mouth when you smile. I remember how your left eyebrow looked a little crooked. But these are all just parts of you, captured in a tight shot. Try as I might, it seems my heart won’t let my mind zoom out.

There are things that I struggle to remember but then there are things that I struggle to forget. These are the pictures I recall with painful clarity. The way your fingers fit perfectly into the spaces between mine. The feel of your hand clasped around mine. The way your breath tickles when you whisper in my ear. The sound of your voice as you were saying goodbye.

“I need time,” you said. Well, time is all I have these days. Time spent wondering what could have been or what I did wrong. Time spent worrying about how you are and who you’re with. Time spent scribbling fevered thoughts into this notebook. Time spent wishing you were still here with me.

And then there’s the time I spend trying to think of anything but you – the mundane things at work, the smiling lady at the deli where I got lunch, the tiki torch from my childhood. They’re all escape routes from your memory but these days, it’s not so easy. For I remember the messages you sent me while I was at work. How that made the time pass by more quickly. I remember the conversations we had when we ate at the deli, how we talked through closing time and they had to make us leave. I think of the way my love for you was like that heavy torch that stood alien in our garden. The fire burns brightly, fiercely through the night.

But whatever, right? Because you need time. And time is all I have.

Time spent wishing we never met. Time spent hoping I would get the old me back – the me I was before I met you. Time spent thinking about the future we’d planned but would never have. I think of our children, of the paintings, of the books we were going to write. I take all of this time and I put it in a box. I take the torch in my mother’s garden, put out the fire, and lay it down. In its place, I light a feeble candle. Some part of me hopes that when the last of the flame dies out, our love will die out too.

I learned that of all the things in life, it’s hope that’s most cruel. Now that you’re gone, it’s the one dagger in my chest I can’t seem to live without.

48 comments:

yang lagay na yan ang di makasulat ah.. at humanda ka na sa mga magququote ng "And I learned that of all the things in life, it’s hope that’s most cruel. Now that you’re gone, it’s the one dagger in my chest I can’t seem to live without."

Wait, you said you "always" look up the bugonfuckit... what, pray tell, are some scenarios that would lead tho that search? haha i think i've only had to do it once and it was just to prove a point. hahaa

LOF: So true. I borrowed from a couple different posts/memories for this post and I must say, it's a comfort to see that I 1, made it past that part of my life and 2, got to use a lot of the lessons in my adult relationships. :x

It's also good that you're able to take the lessons of your relationships and save them in a story, sweet, bittersweet story... As for hope, I recently did a photo epigram but haven't posted it yet: "Hope, without a plan is a black hole, and pointless."

Rick: Why thank you. :) Such a lovely compliment coming from someone as prolific as you.

And as for taking the lessons from old relationships, I think on some level we always carry them with us. If I ever get published, I'm gonna have to pay royalties to a few people, the usual suspects on this blog. haha

I've been seeing those epigrams you've been doing. Real interesting use of media. I'm sorry I haven't left any comments. I've been transitioning between jobs and so it's just a crazy time. I will find time to drop by today. :)

On the one hand, nasad ako. Kasi siyempre ayoko naman na may ganun na akong image. I'd like to think I can be happy too but then even the illiterate can see that this blog's really about sadness. layout palang eh. haha

Rudeboy: "Small wonder why the world's religions thrive, despite all hope being predicated on a wing and a prayer." Maybe it's nice to have something tangible to hold on to. Like the character could've just let go or whatever but he needed the little candle/torch thing to start the process. Think of all the religious sacraments and what they signify. You could easily say you'd spend the rest of your life with someone but until you have a tangible ceremony with vows in front of God and mooching relatives, it doesn't mean anything. lolz

I guess both of us are going through the same thing. Yes, time is all we have, but dont treat it as an enemy but a friend.

Its hard to cope especially if you have invested so much on one relationship and to have it fall apart is devastating. Let's all take it as a learning experience to make sure that it doesnt happen again in the future.