While most of our esteemed celebrity brothers and sisters dressed and behaved in a respectful manner, as usual some SCAN members were alarmed by certain chronic offenders who are at-risk of having their blackness revoked. While there was nothing as mentally scarring as the recent “racial epitaph” as clothing outing by Nasir Jones and Kelis Rogers-Jones at the Grammys, there was still plenty of room for concern.

Therefore SCAN is releasing this photos for assessment along with some comments by certain council elders and historians (and a few cultural anthropologists) to examine of there are any candidates who should have their blackness automatically revoked or simply be placed on probation.

ESSENCE LUNCHEONIgnorance threat level: LowBackground: Essence Magazine, the premiere black women’s magazine, has historically been a bastion of excellence, battling ignorance and getting good advice on which lotions work best for combination skin. Our operatives spent an inordinate amount of time at the luncheon making us reconsider sending our both our most beguiling male operative and our most charming lesbian operative who upon seeing both Paula Patton and Salli Richardson declared they never wanted to leave. Therefore we are considering switching both agents to the much less provocative “JC Watts” beat.

While SCAN has some issues with the Smiths indoctrination conversion to Scientology, the couple has a very low offensive rating. They typically behave like the have some form of sense when out in public and have a degree of intelligence, with bonus points for having such a well-dressed, well-spoken adorable family unit. Despite how he now retains the same manic sheen of Cruise, Smith remains one of the more charming and eloquent members of the black celebrity establishment. Yet some of our more conservative (re: Jesus loving) members have demanded that the Smiths’ be put down for a yellow alert, blackness on-watch status. While one secular member of SCAN lamented:

They should be on the list because they picked the lamest white folks in Hollywood to be cool with. Period. They couldn’t hang with Brad and Angelina? I mean, Jada and Angie? That would have been hot. And they could have done action movies together, making billions at the box office on biracial blowing shit up action. I mean, what the fuck? Does Tom still work for a living? Bad business, brah. He should get put down just for that whack shit. Pick the cool white folks, Will. Like Sofia Coppola or Robert De Niro. Fuck, even the Beckhams would have been better.

The SCAN committee has had many heated arguments over Jones’ status. Many members began to have sympathy for and even defend Jones during her trials and tribulations with ABC’s “The View.” During that same time though, Jones was being, err, difficult with her love of swag, her commercialized wedding to a questionable, non-SCAN approved public black person, and magically losing 700 pounds in about two weeks. Because of this, Jones’ status has been stuck at level orange for more than two years. Several members have begun pushing to have Jones taken off the list as she has not been as publicly embarrassing recently (despite getting cut by True TV network). Even still, some stricter members of the committee are lobbying to keep her status level at “high risk.” Wrote one SCAN member:

Star and that fruit loop husband of hers are one step from being Stella Gets Her Groove Back By Bitching To Oprah About Marriage Fraud, vis-a-vie Terry McMillan and that Jamaican dude. And that shit was just embarrassing. Terry pimps some dude straight out of the island and then wants to do a double-take when it turns out he was more interested in getting a green card than getting laid by her. I mean, I used to be one of Terry’s defenders before she got excommunicated out of the race, but for all folks out there who bitch about their bad luck in love, maybe you should look the hell in the mirror and see that maybe it’s you, dammit. No, I just can’t go through that shit again with Star. She stays on the list.

Currently on probation: Tracey Edmonds

Only one council member is pushing to have Edmonds taken off the list, but we believe that she’s just irrational as she never got over Edmonds’ divorce from Kenny “Babyface” Edmonds. Most members are in consensus that she could be rehabilitated after her disastrous almost marriage to racial buyout, Eddie Murphy. Still, there are some ardent members of the council who want her out of the race no matter what the cost.

You want reasons? I’ll give you four. BET’s College Hill. Who’s Your Caddy? Good Luck Chuck. Lil Kim: Countdown to Lockdown. She could produce anything she wants. And “College Hill” is just the “The Real World” at a HBCU. She even embarrassed the white folks with “Good L
uck Chuck.” And we all known Dane Cook is not funny. We have done studies on this. He just isn’t. It’s like she asking to be excommunicated. – Coral, Houston, TX

BET RIP THE RUNWAYIgnorance threat level: HighBackground: BET was first put on the SCAN watch list after the video for Wreckx-N-Effect “Rumpshaker” debuted. Since then we have seen the quality (which, to be honest, was always shoddy) decline drastically over the years. First they got rid of the news programing. Then came the soft-core porn versions of rap videos shown at night, followed by excommunicated member Robert Johnson selling the network to Viacom which turned it into a deep fried version MTV, stacked with reality shows and many people who can not conjugate a verb properly. Since then SCAN has declared BET a failed state, a dystopia where ignorance reigns supreme. It is a minstrel show juggernaut that takes previously credible blacks, like Reginald Hudlin, and turns them into cold-hearted capitalists who care more about profits than people.

High Risk, threat level red: Faheem Najm, a.k.a. “T-Pain,” is currently up for rehabilitation, but several members are pushing for a “Cease and Desist in Public Blackness” order.

You know, I like Abraham Lincoln and Jackson Pollock as much as the next bourgeois but I don’t think neither the artist or the president would have appreciated this splattered paint, stove pipe hat collaboration. – Winston, 54, Park Slope, Brooklyn, NY

Oh my God, his teeth make him look like he has a bad case of yuck mouth. – Tiffany, 30, Washington, D.C.

Reginald Hudlin made one of the greatest black comedies of the New Jack Swing Generation, “House Party.” He also made “Bebe’s Kids” which, amazingly, wasn’t that bad. Then he took over BET and made it worse. Lee was there to officiate. Despite many “Cease and Desist in Public Blackness” orders, it seems both want to discredit the SCAN system and are ignoring our requests to stop hurting the black race through inferior programming. Because of this, both Lee and Hudlin are up for excommunication rather than a buyout. If the are excommunicated they are no longer black Americans. They can call themselves mixed or claim some sort of Native American heritage, but they would not be able to claim blackness and blackness will not claim them even in cases of emergency.

Threat level unsure: Teyanna Taylor

The average age of a SCAN member is 45. Our youngest members are in their late 20s but most had no idea who this Teyanna character was. Finally we located the 14-year-old daughter of one of our members who informed us that Taylor is a 17-year-old rap/singing phenom signed by Pharrell Williams’ label. We borrowed the 14-year-olds iPod and we have determined that she is essentially what Kelis was when she was when “Caught Out There” was her signature hit. Because of her age, and because her songs “Google Me” and “Traffic Stop” are actually pretty good, SCAN is going to give her a one-time “Young Folks” pass and will withhold judgment until she is at least 21 years of age.

EBONY MAGAZINE’S PRE-OSCAR PARTYIgnorance Threat level: MediumBackground: Ebony is the one of the publishing world’s greatest success stories, a topical/celebrity magazine targeting a black audience. Ebony proved that black folks do read and will pay to read something, laying the ground work for future magazines and books by blacks deemed “profitable” once it occurred to white publishers that blacks would buy them. Historical info aside, Ebony has been a repeat SCAN offender for soft-balling almost every celebrity and black issue that comes in their path. The magazine has essentially turned into the Public Relations magazine of the black race, turning the biggest turds into turd blossoms. SCAN would like to see a little more “Vanity Fair” and a lot less “People” in Ebony.

Threat level high: Omarosa Manigualt-Stallworth and Kevin Frazier

Many members are lobbying for Ms. Manigualt-Stallworth to be excommunicated because they don’t think she’s worth the money to buy out.

What has she done for blacks that’s worth buying her out? Eddie Murphy made “Raw.” All she did was fuck over Kwame during the first season of the “Apprentice.” – Kenyatta, Baltimore, Md.

She is not black to me. All I see are a lot of fake boobs and weave and if I wanted that I would stare at my King Magazine fold-out of Jill Marie Jones. At least she’
s actually attractive. – George, Cleveland, OH

She was every stereotype of an evil black women that have come to exist in television. You name one bad trait and she embodied it. She lied. She stabbed people in the back. She was vain. She faked like she was hurt. She bitched and moaned. She brought a black man down. She’s lucky black folks in D.C. aren’t burning her in effigy. – Sheila, Washington, D.C.

I know this sounds wrong and kind of sexist, but she’s totally a little manly Stanley, right? Like she’s a pre-op transsexual but she’s taking hormones and had some breast augmentation. I mean, she’s not an ugly trannie. She’s kind of cute in a mannish way, you know? You get what I’m saying, right? I know it’s wrong and that we shouldn’t kick people out for being fugly, but someone had to say it. – Amir, Atlanta, Ga.

High At-Risk: Karrine Steffans

Ms. Steffans, along with being an author, is now calling herself an “actress” nowadays. Many members dislike Steffans based on her somewhat cavalier attitude towards the Public Negro Bible that is sent to all burgeoning black celebrities in the advent of their stardom. Many members have complained about her constant talking about whom she’s had sexual intercourse, including various rappers, athletes and comedian/black fetishist Bill Maher. Still, this so-called “video vixen” has clawed her way into public black life so we at SCAN have to deal with her. The board is at a loss with so many members wanting her out while others are convinced she could be somewhat rehabilitated. We at SCAN like a rags to riches saga as much as the next person, but “suck your way to the top” is, forgive the pun, a little hard to swallow.

We’re suggesting a restraining order against her and the black race, including rehabilitation at our Dr. Charles Drew International “Blackabilitation” Center in the Caymans.

Your suggestions are welcomed on the following candidates as we ready to add new names to our repeat offenders list.

Yours Truly in Blackness,

SCAN Precinct Leader #178, Missouri Chapter

———The Secret Council of American Negroes — (Yes, that secret council your white friends keep asking about.) Working for the Benefit of Negroes In Shared Sacrifice and Glory Since 1865

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8 thoughts on “SCAN Black-Ops: Celebrity Edition”

I want to join SCAN! Is there a Virginia chapter? We have plenty of locals that need vetting here. Mike Lee of “The Mike Lee Show” (comes on our Comcast public access TV) is the worst offender. This guy you must see to believe. I almost don’t want to give you the link to his site (he doesn’t deserve the attention), but I think he does deserve some attention from SCAN.http://www.themikeleeshow.com/

I’m actually working on a way to make SCAN more interactive for others so I can add members who can post and nominate habitual offenders, putting them “on notice.”For now though, I’ll check out “The Mike Lee Show” and you e-mail me your quote as to why he should be either sent to rehab, fined, financially bought out or excommunicated from blackness.The quote doesn’t have to be long.Send it to my e-mail: blacksnob@gmail.comAnd this is also open to anyone else who reads the blog. Until if figure out the best way to facilitate this nominate at will, via the email!

Residing in DC/MD/VA, Michael Blaisden may warrant some cease and desist orders for his partay attitude towards the Jena 6 sitch. The CIA and NSA said S.0 was too militant SCAN is all Stank Stank has lef’.

*dead* at the ‘stovepipe hat collaboration’ comment. If he was rocking a corncob pipe, it would have taken the cake. I am also in agreement, although very late with Stankoniforous One. Michael Baisden really needs to be put ‘on Notice’. He does nothing for this twenty-something black female.