Guess what, everyone? Contrary to what some of you may have thought, I am, in fact, blogging the Bachelorette this season!! Don’t call it a comeback.

I apologize for not live blogging the season premiere on Monday, but I was busy hanging out with my newly minted fiance (squeee!), so I am jumping on the B’ette train a few days late. Before we get started, let me just throw a few things on the table — some of my thoughts, predictions, and anxieties about this latest season of the B’ette. First, a thought: Ashley, our B’ette, is awful, and it’s going to be a real, honest to goodness challenge sitting through these three-hour marathon episodes listening to her grating Chipmunk voice as she pronounces words in grasping, affected ways (e.g., “per-FEHCT”). But I’m gonna do it. For you guys. Second, a prediction: Ashley WILL get engaged to someone at the end of this. He will probably be handsome. And he will probably be a douche. And they will probably break up 3-6 weeks after filming wraps, and she’ll have to give back whatever oddly shaped, weirdly colored diamond Neil Lane pulled out of his butt this season. Third, an anxiety: is Ashley going to say the word “poutine” at all this season? If so, I am REALLY not sure I can do this, guys. But I’m gonna try. For you.

Here we go!

Oh, whoa, thirty seconds or so into the episode and Ashley’s already doing awkward interpretive dance on an empty stage! Shades of Tenley Molzahn in an empty dance studio!

Also, side note – am I correct in assuming Ashley dropped out of dental school to do this? Seems like a solid life decision.

Okay, I fast forwarded over all the “season preview” B.S. – it’s time to meet these dudes already. Ohh, but first, Ash talks to Chris Harrison and drops a dime on a guy named Bentley – she heard some gossip that he is coming on the show For The Wrong Reasons, which is the cardinal sin in the Bachelor franchise. Just like Wearing Your Heart On Your Sleeve is its highest virtue.

Now for my favorite part: the introduction of The Men. Here are my snap judgments on each:

Ryan P.: solar industry guy. BOOOOring and cheeeezy! “The only thing stronger than the sun is love.” GAGGING on a SPOON. HORRIBLE. Awful. Make it stop!

Jon: e-commerce executive. “Can we just go straight to the honeymoon?” Ew. I hate this guy. Also, he has a super monotone voice. Is he a robot?

Lucas: Brad 2.0. “I’m a hugger, I’m from Texas.” Blech. Did I mention that I hate the phrase “I’m a hugger?” Cuz I do. And I’m not a hugger.

Ames: “I went to Yale, which is in Connecticut.” Strike one. “I’ve run about 39 marathons, and I’ve run a bunch of ultra marathons.” Strike two. “My first choice [for the B’ette] would be Ashley H.” Aaaand, strike three. And he presented her with ballet tickets when he met her. Strike four. I hate this guy.

Ben: He’s a lawyer. And he lives in New Orleans. So he’s obviously a drunk. 2 +2 = 4. He gives himself a 215 on a scale of 1-10 of being romantic. And he speaks gross French to Ashley when he meets her. Blech blechity BLECH blech.

Benjamin F: wine maker in Sonoma. He’s sexy in a Dave Grohl kinda way. He has the obligatory Dead Dad story, so that’s covered for the season. And he likes women who have careers! And he’s a total brunette guy! This guy knows just what to say, doesn’t he? I’ll admit it, he’s my fave. All that “I love brunette girls who work” talk really won me over, what can I say?

Frank: he kinda looks like Bert and/or Ernie, poor thing. He picks up Ashley and does some dance moves with her.

Mike: he doesnt like dentists, apparently.

Chris M: Finally, the TOKEN CANADIAN!! He’s from Edmonton and has a REALLY thick accent and weird boy band hair! I kinda love him!!! But I have a soft spot for Canadians.

Ryan M: I sorta have to like this guy because he’s from Royal Oak, MI, which is where my best friend and I used to hang out in high school, playing frisbee and eating frozen yogurt almost every night during the summers. Good times.

Nick: personal trainer with John Tesh hair and a tiny soul patch. He makes me sad, so I’m not going to say anything mean about him. Yet.

Blake: he’s a dentist! And he’s really boring! It was meant to be, guys!

Bentley: (Presumably Morm?) father of a child named – wait for it – Cozy. And his name is Bentley. I can only dream about what their last name might be! So many possibilities! Anyway, the producers are already painting this guy as the Evil Villain of the season. I’m pretty sure he won’t disappoint.

Anthony: butcher from NJ. Guido alert!! He even has the big chain! And the hair! And he’s just a “small time butcher” with veneers and a passion for acting and modeling, guys!

West: his name is WEST? Oh, wait, he has the Dead Wife story. And it’s a doooooozy. I predict this one will go far, despite his stupid name. Also, he’s kinda cute, I guess. He gives her a broken compass pointing permanently to “west.” *Eye roll.*

William: cell phone salesman with bad dating luck. Aw. He laughs maniacally while his umbrella is blown around. What bad luck! Womp womp! Oh, no, he has a Dead Dad story, too. Who will win?? Who has the Deadest, Saddest Dad story? Does Dead Dad < Dead Wife? They are really going for it this season!

Mickey: chef with HORRIBLE hair and a rapey vibe who leans in and tries to kiss her, with his eyes shut. *Shudder* She, quite rightly, does a backbend to get away from him.

Tim: liquor distributor. Super long and horrible pause when he meets Ashley. Eek.

Steven: cut your Tom Cruise circa 2004 hair, already.

Chris D: sports marketing coordinator. He does a white boy rap for her, which isn’t as awkward as it could have been, actually. I think I’m giving him a pass because he’s from the Midwest and he seems like a nice guy.

Rob: despite his hair, I kinda like this guy. He told Ash he didn’t have any crowns for her to point out. Ouch!

Mask man (Jeff): he shows up with a half mask on, which doesn’t hide his face at all, but instead just makes him look like a big weirdo.

Cocktail party highlights:

PER-FEHCT. The first “perfecht” bomb has been dropped. While talking to Ben F., my fave. Ugh!

One of the dudes has Ashley talk to his mom on the phone, who tells them to use protection in the fantasy suite. Oh, dear.

Some guy throws a guitar in the pool. Gimmicks!

Some other guy does terrible impressions. Then he tells her he’s a “30-year old boy.” I smell husband material!

Tim, the liquor distributor, is WAAAASTED, and can barely speak when Ashley approaches him at the party. I mean, she’s not really in a position to judge since she spent the entire Bach season drunk as a skunk, but, to her credit, she didn’t really get boozy until after the first episode. Anyway, Tim passes out on a couch, Ashley can’t wake him up, and she gets some of the other dudes to haul him away into a limo. Everyone is surprisingly nice to him while this is happening. If this had been a Bach episode and some chick had gotten black-out drunk, I think there would have been a lot more snark. Just sayin’.

Ashley to JP: “I’ve always said that the man I marry will call me Cupcake.” Huh?! Who decides on their own pet name before they’ve even met the person who will be calling them said pet name? This is along the lines of Jennifer Love Hewitt picking out three engagement rings for herself while she’s single. Oh, ladies – you so craaaazy!

Ash is “pleasantly surprised” by Bentley. What a dumbo she is, eh? In Bentley’s confessional, he says he’s not “overly attracted” to Ashley but he’s going for it because he’s “competitive.” Nice.

Ryan got the first impression rose. Bluh! He’s so cheezy!

Rose ceremony: I didn’t really pay attention to who Ashley picked but I noticed that she did give the last rose to Bentley, the villain. She sent home Anthony, the butcher/model, and some other dudes, all of whom seemed overly devastated for having spoken to Ashley for approximately three minutes each. They just feel so deeply, you know? You might even say they wear their hearts on their sleeves.