This will be a big rambling mess so if you read it at all you have been warned. I had very little planned for today. My agenda consisted of entering in grades, creating an exam and study guide, washing my hair and maybe washing some clothes. Yeah the clothes didn't even get looked at except in passing because my mother, who lives with me in case I haven't mentioned that lately, saw something in the local sales paper that she just bought yesterday and was convinced that she could return it to get the difference and then buy some more of said item. Turns out as usual when my mother sees a sale that is too good to be true she read the flipping thing wrong and wasted about 30 minutes before throwing a for real tantrum about how she wanted the incorrect item at the non sale price (it was the regular price for the model a step down from what she bought) complete with foot stomping and fist banging on the counter. I left her there and headed to the car during which drive home it was my fault for not arguing with them about giving her the non deal. Suffice it to say I was stressed and it was too late to hit the gym and still reasonably get my hair done before work in the morning I needed to just hide away for a while and take care of my stuff. Which is what I ended up doing and ate one of my salads while I worked on keeping my hair nice and healthy. Complete with modified deep conditioning because I really didn't want to waste another hour after I got out of the shower.

So I had to figure out ways to kill time in the shower. Shaving my legs was out since mom stole my razor. Was already washing my hair. Didn't want to soak in the tub and then stand up to wash all that off. I was about to just give up when a burst of hot water hit my clit at just the right angle. Then it occurred to me. I hadn't made myself cum in the shower in a VERY long time. Still didn't want to get out and grab the dildo du jour so I had to grab what was handy. Several bottle of various liquids later and I hit the thing that drove me into hyper bunny mode. It was heaven. And just enough time killed killing kittens to rinse my hair and get on with the rest of my day.

I totally forgot about the season premier of Once Upon a Time and how many different ways they are spinning this season. Was confused and took me a minute to figure out what was happening with everyone. I endured Revenge because Betrayal was coming on after that. Now I will say now I don't advocate cheating on your spouse and unless it's written well I really can't even tolerate depictions of it on tv or in movies. For the record Unfaithful with Diane Lane (great), Mistresses (BBC America--fantastic), Mistresses (US version--hot garbage). So while my pull was seeing Stuart Townsend be my eye candy had it been a craptastic journey I would not have been able to sit through it but I was literally pulling for him and random married lady to finally connect as they both seemed so lonely and lost in their respective lives. Unfortunately this entanglement will be made more complicated as it must but it will be interesting. And I realized something else today. I am a sucker for a man with the right voice. Stuart's accent right now is distracting me cause I'd rather hear his normal speaking voice but there's a certain vocal range that most of my long term significant others, playmates what not all possess save one and he was just really really talented lol. Wonder what that says about my auditory senses and how hardwired that is to my clit?

Not sure how long this will be. I've been meaning to write this for a few days. After the storm fronts moved in and out I was pretty well behaved. As I mentioned busy men have lives that don't accommodate me being spoiled. Plus they are no where near here so it would really just be lots of dead kittens. With no fodder the kittens were safe, for a while anyway lol. As soon as they started sleeping easier I got a pervy message and assumed it was from one of the other folks I had been chatting with recently. Nope not at all. Instead it was another former playmate who had a proposition for me. If I would cum to see him he'd make me squirt. It's probably one of the only things sexually that I want to see if I can do that I haven't already. But alas he, like the others, is no where near here. It did make for some playful banter and a kitten or two made it to kitty heaven but nothing long term or as intense as the last session I described for you. That still makes me smile.

But since I have been tossing around old memories of those folks two things have happened. I am still finding myself randomly horny when I need to be concentrating. And when I notice it I just get wetter. Thankfully the dress code is pretty lax otherwise I'd be soaking through my dress pants daily. Additionally every time my nipples get exposed to any kind of air they are rock hard and sometimes painful. That's great if they are being twisted or being suckled on not so great if you are just trying to get undressed. That part is confusing the mess out of me and I either need someone to get me off or I guess start wearing a new bra all the time to stop the girls from pointing at people.

We know how dangerous it is when I start thinking about anything too long but just because of what has happened over the last few weeks that reminded me that my submission is still important to me it just has no outlet at the moment I started thinking about about starting the professional/nerdy/smart subbie girl directory. I would probably link from this page but as I envision it the page would be freestanding and develop content there all on its own. I'm not sure if there's really a need for it or that I would really be the best person to run such a site but it has been bouncing around in my head for the last few years. I think if I jump in and buy the domain then I will coerce myself into doing something but I really don't want to launch nothing and with no interest. I see that a few of you still read but not much in the way of commenting so maybe such a thing doesn't need to exist because there's no interest. Ehh I'm rambling.

For the last few months I've been in a holding pattern regarding submission. I'm not sure if I've fully resolved which direction to go but what has been done wasn't working and I'm not sure which way to head now. I always imagined I would let my dom guide me into the best submissive version of me I could be but that's not realistic either. I have a firm idea of what I want and who I want to be **BUT** I'm not sure that person can really be an ideal sub.

I can admit that I'm spoiled and I like it that way. I like having his undivided attention for as long as we can both give it to each other. Grown up life means there are limits to that I know but I loved being tucked in literally and figuratively by the man I belong to. I sometimes struggle with that phrase, belong to, but ultimately it's what I hope to be the case in any new relationship.

I'm head strong, intelligent, independent and mostly capable of taking care of myself most of the time. What I want is to release myself into someone's care. I want to let my brain disengage when I feel his hands brush against my skin. I want to let out that deep satisfied sigh when I curl around him and inhale his skin in the crook of his neck. I want to be the thing that winds him up and drains him dry just because he wants it that way.

My brain gets off on being used but not degraded. It's a fine line. I think that's why I have had a mental block to having a dom that wasn't Black or at least ethnic. I'm not sure if I can play all out with a non Black dom because I would be desperately afraid that he would slip into the race play realm and totally shut down my sex drive and attraction to him forever. And I doubt anyone would do that intentionally but yeah heat of the moment we all say things we didn't intend lol. I was about to give you an example but no I intend to say gimme when I'm milking a nut from my dom it just sounds like a borderline petulant brat part begging/demanding something though.

At some point I either have to be open to whatever is out there or just admit that what I want is not likely to exist in any one man. I'm not frustrated as much as I am confused now. Having my sex drive makes no sense when I have no one to unleash it on. Decisions, decisions.

At least at my place it does. I will blame green lantern for the latest downpour. She didn't do anything directly but in her ever increasing efforts to get me naked and under some nice strong man who drills me into the mattress repeatedly until I collapse in a sweaty heap sated and falling asleep with a nice hard dick in my mouth (say that whole thing four times fast) she inspired me to reach out to the cause of the last storm. I was bored and semi horny after the other night so I obliged my own curiosity and before I knew it I could feel the pressure building up in my lower lips. If I am totally honest the tingly sensation started in the office when I started thinking back on the last night of ohmibod fun. We were chatting it up and right as the need to cum and go to sleep hit me again his phone died. Which was unfortunate because apparently I sound fan fucking tastic when I cum lol. I grabbed my MP3 powered goodie and took off the last bit of clothing I had been wearing before climbing back into bed. I tried to wait a few minutes but yeah he wasn't calling fast enough and I didn't want to come alone. I sent GN a text and he was happy to listen in as I euthanized a whole shelter of kittens.

Normally one maybe two orgasms and I'm good for the night. The thought of combining that tongue with GN's dommy goodness sent me over the edge. I went all subbie aggressive, which really just constitutes talking enough crap with which to elicit the necessary dom edge from whomever is drilling me, and had a blast. The wetness just kept increasing and dripping and puddling with each orgasm. I say each because I stopped counting once the inside of my thighs started to get sticky from all the extra fluid that was there. At one point in the call a text from tongue came in and that just made it all worse. I started daydreaming about being on a leash in the middle of a room and pulled from one shiny slick dick to the other one. GN in one corner and tongue in the other. And whomever wasn't getting serviced was wearing me out in which ever way they saw fit at the moment. Spanking, fisting, fucking, tickling my clit until I damn near went limp. Oh yeah for vivid imagination. I didn't answer but it was mostly because I couldn't be coherent at that point if I wanted to. I kept letting the image play in my head while I panted and twisted my nipples and coaxed an orgasm or two from GN. I think I came for the last time after he reminded me what it felt like to be bent over, splayed open and getting drilled from above--slowly at first to let him fill me up and then like a jackhammer until my knees almost buckle and I slather him in juices. The only thing better than that is being pulled up and having to adjust my breathing almost immediately as cum coated shaft is shoved down my throat. About an hour after I started cumming I finally stopped cumming enough to curl up and go to sleep.

Oh it was such a good night of sleep after that. Later it did make me think of something. How many doms would be willing to share a sub? Maybe I need more than one, I mean my sex drive is kinda ridiculous but beyond that all the men that I know that could potentially dom me all have lots of family commitments so being tied up and fucked on the regular may not be possible. Eh, whatever that will sort itself out. In the mean time I have two requests for a live kitten killing session. What do you think?

There has been unexpected moisture between my thighs lately. That is not how ex-boyfriend season usually starts. It usually begins with men I haven't thought about let alone wondered about in years finding some random way to connect to me. And after that connection is made they normally go from hey how you doing to hey wanna get naked in about 3.5 minutes. Which usually is a decided turn off. I mean there's a reason we don't talk anymore and there's definitely a reason I haven't tried to ring that bell again. Usually the contact results in me remembering why we split up and being comforted that while I have matured into the fantastically subby girl I am they are a wee bit stunted and thus of no use to subby me.

That is until this season started. Let me be clear I still got an asinine contact from one who is contemplating moving here--for allegedly reasons other than me which is good because all I remember about having sex with him is I unfortunately left my nail polish out of reach and had nothing to do while he was "putting in work" because there was nothing of merit to note about the penetration. Excessive stamina and lack of girth is never a good combination just so we're all on the same page. However, shortly after the at least let me see you conversation came up I got a late night message from another blast from the past. I'm not sure if I've mentioned him before. He was always my test ex. And by that I mean if I was in a relationship with anyone and I could still make myself cum or want to cum thinking about him then I wasn't as committed as I wanted to be. I cannot tell you what he did precisely but there was always a time lapse effect when we had sex. I don't mean that movie slow motion crap either. I mean it felt like time stopped whenever we got intertwined and sometimes we were panting in a heap a few minutes later and other times literal hours had gone by and we were lost inhaling each other. He was my oral champion. His tongue could do things that deserve a medal. If I ever thought he was capable of being faithful I would have stuck it out for the long haul because he was/is smart and funny and can talk about nearly anything and make anything dirty at a moment's notice. Who doesn't love that? Well apparently the lack of partner and partner penetration got the better of my psyche and kitty.

I woke up the morning after seeing his message moist and tingly. Went to work shook it off and then talked to him a bit later that night. Same old same old and it's nice to be objectified in the right way lol. I don't think he could be a dom ever but such a shame. The things I would do for that tongue. Please don't blame me for all the poor kittens that may die over the next few weeks either. Ex-boyfriend season is never really long and it's usually not this wet. At best I might see one and carefully create a reason to avoid seeing any parts of them naked. But last night my ohmibod sounded like it was splashing in a puddle. I haven't been sopping wet in so long it was both intriguing and frustrating. Did I mention that tongue?