I want to say how much I appreciate all of the comments people post. They provide a rich tapestry of support and encouragement and practical advice.

It's clear that regardless of the credentials on the wall or position on the organizational chart, life is not always fair. The good guys do not always win. The couple does not always live happily ever after. That's just the way it is.

Everyone has setbacks, disappointments and frustrations. But the way you respond to these challenges and opportunities is what defines you. Whether you become a victim or a "seasoned survivor" depends on your attitude and the way you view the setback.

When faced with an overwhelming crisis, whether personal, spiritual or financial, your circuits can be overloaded. You may feel paralyzed. However, once a little time has passed, you can marshal your options to creatively deal with the problem.

Whatever has happened, you can choose to whine and complain about it, or to profit and learn from the experience. Whining is not only unproductive, it also pushes away your support network. Friends and colleagues will listen for just so long, but then it is time to move on. The choice is yours. Your life depends on it.

5 Comments Posted

I wish I had had someone when I was younger who knew how not to be victim. My mother used and still uses the past as a way to manipulate others. Even after 35+ years she chooses to be a victim. She has pushed her grown sons away, has Grandchildren she has never seen. If anyone tries to talk to her she brings up things that we were not a part of. And yes more than on person has suggested counseling, but as she likes to put it &quot;She is not the one wih the problem&quot;. This saddens me that she is now a Senior Citizen and has missed so much by holding on to a victim mentality. Being a victim is not always a chose, but developing a victim mentality is.

Jan

November 2, 2011 7:10 p.m.

I completely agree with Mary and Paul. My Grandmother gave me similar advice when I was a teenager, and it has helped me get through some major life events. It was the best advice I was ever given. Basically, she told me, when life gets difficult, help someone else, because there will always be someone who needs help more than you do. By helping others, you are helping yourself, doing something positive, taking your mind off yourself for a brief period of time. Keeping a gratefulness journal has also helped me immensely, and I have recently read that this type of activity actually creates neural pathways in the brain that reinforce positive feelings and help to make one more resilient. I think taking care of yourself is also important - eating properly, getting some exercise, doing relaxation exercises. It can be difficult to do in a crisis but it does really help. What works for me is to take a deep breath, break needed actions down into manageable pieces. take one moment at a time, and don't let yourself worry about things further down the road, stay focused on the present and avoid thinking things such as &quot;if I don't get a job I will lose my house&quot; or &quot;what happens if or when someone dies&quot;. I have found that this type of thinking can be overwhelming and make it difficult to function. It's best to stay in the moment and deal with today.

Diane

November 2, 2011 6:08 p.m.

One of the best cures I've found when feeling like a victim or just plain cursed is to make a list of the things I'm grateful for. Another winner is finding something to do for someone else. Caring for others is a sure way to lose your troubles.

Paul

October 29, 2011 5:03 p.m.

When feelings of 'being the victim' try to visit me, and they occasionally do, I say out loud to my husband or family members (or myself!!) &quot;I need to do something bigger than myself right now&quot;. By this I mean, I do something for someone unrelated to my challenges, my work stuff, my family stuff, or anything that benefits me directly. And its not a big thing, its usually a small thing - I open the paper (or check the town's volunteer web site) and see where I can volunteer for a short term or even one time thing: back to school backpack event, holiday gifts for lonely adults with brain trauma, baking cookies for Ronald McDonald house (year round), ringing the bell for Salvation Army (personal favorite w/violin). This gets me completely outside myself or 'my issues' and when I can bring one of my teen/young adult daughters or husband along, its truly out of this world for all of us. This helps me put all things in perspective - immediately. I applaud all of you who volunteer on a consistent and/or year round basis, or otherwise dedicate your time and energy to care for others who cannot care for themselves easily - you are Gold and please take care of You, also! I read about you here in this blog. Thank you. Here's to being survivors!

TMary

October 28, 2011 3:56 a.m.

Yes that is so true, whining and complaining will only lead to isolation because nobody likes to hear negativity all the time.I think attitude plays the key role in life , it can give you a happy life or a life full of disappointments,just the matter of how you look at things.What you see is not important how you see it is what the game is all about! So learn from your follies and belief your capable of anything.

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