"Hater" — such a glib and shallow word. Still, it'll do. The only NBA event that could bring me more satisfaction than the Indiana Pacers whupping the Miami Heat would involve the sudden deconstruction of at least one of LeBron James' knees.

Two problems: Indiana, good as they are, ain't good enough, and one knee might not be, either. The Whore of Akron is plain indestructible — no small aspect of his on-court puissance. One sick pleasure of hating James — one of the reasons he's worth hating — is his physical singularity. Even in a locker room full of pro athletes, he's a freak. Listed forever at 6'8" and 250, he's likely an inch taller and certainly 15-20 pounds heavier, with far more foot speed and power than anyone's ever seen in a player of his size. When he reacts to every touch foul — and each near-miss — as if a grenade had detonated in his shorts, it's comedy gold.

Such mirth grows tiresome, of course. LeBron's flopsy, and his colleagues', is now on constant display in these playoffs. The NBA's paltry effort to address the problem so far — four $5000 fines — is itself a joke, so much so that James, his titanic arrogance ballooning in direct proportion to the ESPN-driven adoration in which he wallows, has publicly endorsed flopping as an effective tool even while denying his own use of it.

LeBron's lying, as usual, yet he's absolutely right. The NBA and its clown corps of refs haven't called a single flopping violation on Miami all season, but the league did see fit to fine Frank Vogel, head coach of the Pacers, $15,000 for complaining that the officials weren't calling flops on the Heat.

This sort of selective zeal is known as protecting the brand — after all, what idiot NBA fan outside of Indiana would bother watching the Pacers in the Finals? — instead of the game. It works fine for pro rasslin', but perhaps less well for something supposed to be an actual sport.

UPDATE: Mere hours after this post was published, the NBA fined LeBron James for flopping, along with David West of the Pacers, for this gem: