FWB

As planned, Julia met Sean for coffee to discuss their dividing of things — like who would get the Keurig. Their coffee meeting turned into lunch, which turned into a cocktail after lunch, which turned into “Why don’t you just stop over and get the Keurig now?”

I think we all know what that turned into.

When Julia told me of their Keurig kinkfest, I became worried. She’s clearly still in love with Sean and sex with possible unrequited feelings involved can be quite complicated. And potentially even more heartbreaking. Julia told me she understands that it’s still over between them, but that they had plans to “get together” again. “Ohh, so you’re friends with benefits?!” I asked. Julia laughed and replied, “I guess so!”

Oh boy. I know Julia is capable of making her own decisions and the last thing I want to do is pretend I can predict the future. But — I personally don’t buy her sudden acceptance of this new status one bit since I’m not convinced anyone can go from desperate heartbreak to supposed emotionless casual sex with the same person in the span three weeks. But — while I don’t think becoming friends with benefits with an ex is a great idea, the whole FWB concept isn’t one I totally scoff at. The benefits are obvious — sex with no strings, no real relationship obligations. It’s just the ‘friend’ part that gets tricky.

Usually — you meet someone, you develop an interest, you talk, learning about each another and then you become intimate. However long that takes is up to you, but doing the deed first — and on a regular basis — can make the emotional side of things difficult if the other person isn’t on the same page.

I think every FWB relationship starts off smooth — the transactions are almost business-like. Both people are getting their share of investment and they are appreciative of the convenient, time-saving, non-committal partnership. It seems like the greatest idea ever. But, as time goes on, it seems like there’s more conversation being initiated and more time spent together after sex — hanging out, making a drink or getting something to eat — finding excuses to spend more time than previously “necessary.” It may be unspoken, since ‘never admit you are developing feelings for your FWB’ is rule #1 in the handbook — but someone does usually grow attached.

To me, it seems natural, inevitable and backwards all at the same time. Your FWB is someone who is a constant presence, someone who is simply always there for you. And, I’ve heard that sex, even casual sex, is always emotional for women, while usually physical/logical for men, but I don’t believe it. I think it’s emotional for everyone, on some level. It can’t not be. So of course one, or both, people involved in a FWB situation will develop some sort of attachment/romantic feeling…maybe even love. I guess how they both deal with that all depends on how well they communicate outside of the bedroom.

So, a failed relationship morphing into FWB status? Well, I predict a very bumpy ride ahead.

I secretly envy people who can enjoy this type of relationship without any emotional strings attached. Having sex for the pure physical enjoyment of it and no other agenda attached sounds pretty exciting. But knowing my personality and being a woman, feelings are always attached for me.

And this is more messier since Sean and Julia have a history together-I see extended heartbreak happening here, almost like repeatedly pouring salt into a wound.

I fell into this with an ex-boyfriend many, many years ago. We broke up and within a week, were back to….well, you know. In the end, I had to stop it because I knew I’d end up with a broken heart in the end. I actually clearly recall commending myself on realizing what a slippery slope I was headed down. I hope that Julie realizes that she’s better off without Sean (and sex with Sean) and moves on to someone worthy of her!!

This is why there’s the “It’s Complicated” relationship status on Facebook.

This is bad news for Julia. Once she finds out Sean’s been with other girls, while sleeping with her, it’s not going to be pretty. The trick for her is to sleep with other guys FIRST and take advantage of the “F” part of “FWB” with Sean, so she gains the upper hand and becomes emotionally unattached.

I was waiting all morning for your next post, and this was more than worth the wait. Actually, two words alone were worth it: Keurig kinkfest. Somehow I intend to incorporate that phrase into the water cooler conversation today, I don’t care what it takes…

Speaking as someone who has a FWB, it does get complicated especially with an ex (which in my case it is) but it’s been almost 3 years since we’ve been broken up, not 3 weeks. The more time that passes, the better since you can look back on that relationship and remember what you didn’t like, meet other people who are better than that person…etc. So in Julia’s case I would say it’s not a horrible thing to have her ex as a FWB but certainly not this early in the breakup. I personally say ex’s are good as FWB because you’ve been together before, you’re comfortable with each other and you know what each other enjoys. So in this case I’d tell her to move on and come back to Sean in a year or so for that kind of relationship because hopefully she won’t be attached to him anymore but hopefully she’ll find someone more suitable and have no need for that man anymore.

Agreed, FWB is something that in my experience will never work out. It’s such a tricky thing, and as emotions grow in one person and not the other it will ultimately end in heartbreak or better yet, a Sheen like tirade.

“You’re a worm, a troll! What you didn’t know I had tigerblood? I know you know about my Adonis DNA. I’m in love with you, can we just forget this ever happened?….”

A FWB relationship is basically an empty one and is based on who needs to use who for what period of time. Without any real mutual, emotional attachment, it may just as well be a one night stand with a stranger.

Wow — I’m loving this conversation! I agree that the FWB relationship can be a slippery slope – and will tell you from personal experience that no matter what – someone will develop feelings. Or already had them in the case of an ex. At the same time, it is great to have someone who you feel so close to that you can have some intimacy and conversation.

FWB is disastrous post break-up in almost every case. The suggester – only wants the sex. The agree-er – is riding it out until the suggester remembers why they loved them. (Or the suggester is trying to re-ignite the feelings and the agree-er just wants the sex.) Either way, the end result: ANOTHER BREAK UP.

If you didn’t like listening to sad songs, rehashing “the day it all went wrong” repeatedly for your friends, crying and dividing belongings the first time, why would you agree to do it to yourself again?

FWB only works with exs after you’ve both dated other people and it’s been at least like 3 years. And then you don’t hang out or talk to them unless it’s about the “kinkfest” I *may* be talking from experience here, but most of the time it just doesn’t work.

FWB is just that. A friend you DON’T want to date, but you want to get naked with sometimes.

I’ve seen a lot of people get hurt by thinking it’ll be ok to sleep with an ex and I hope that doesn’t happen to Julia. :-/

“A FWB relationship is basically an empty one and is based on who needs to use who for what period of time. Without any real mutual, emotional attachment, it may just as well be a one night stand with a stranger.”

Wow, your opinion cannot be further from any of my experiences, so maybe be less judgmental and expand your worldview a bit.

FWB are fantastic if you’re both on the same page. You need to know that, and have been friendly before it goes there.

That said, this close after a breakup, the emotions are way too raw. Bad Idea Jeans.

I agree with you about not buying that sex for men is purely logical. I had a similar experience just about a year ago, breaking up with a very serious boyfriend but staying physical. Case in point: at first, he wasn’t having it. He refused to be intimate because the emotions connected with the sex confused him and made him question our decision to break it off. It was a bad time for both of us to be in a relationship (getting ready to graduate from college, trying to make serious plans for the future, lives turning upside down, etc.). Although we ended up in the same town and ended up back together a few months later, that “foggy” time of “what exactly ARE we?” is something we rarely discuss. We have moved past it because we have both grown up since then, but lesson learned: sex with an ex most definitely a complicated adventure, not to be taken lightly.

You described my FWB perfectly!! It started off smooth, both parties understanding that it was just to fulfill physical needs/wants. It did not stem from a break up, it stemmed from a friendship/roommate arrangement. I was actually the most vehement about not getting attached or developing feelings, yet I was the one who developed feelings. Going into the situation, my friends advised that FWB never works, and I told them I was different, I had no desire for any type of relationship or anything more than just “toot it and boot it” … well, they were right … no one is impervious to the affect/effects of FWB. Luckily my FWB was understanding and was smart enough to address it before my feelings got out of hand, and what remains is a great friendship(maybe I still have some lingering feelings, but they are dissipating each day that passes) … ok, well, maybe carnal urges still overcome us here and there … but now I really understand FWB and know what I am getting in to.

nope, won’t work. as you stated in the last post about them, she said to you that she hoped they’d still get back together. well, giving him the milk for free isn’t gonna get him back. it’s going to inevitably lead to more heartbreak for her. i get it, some people need to find these things out on their own. but, maybe you could show her this thread. look at all of the people that fwb with an ex didn’t work out for. that can’t be a fluke, and she’s fooling herself if she thinks she’ll be different.
as an aside, i DO believe that fwb, with an actual ‘friend’ can work. but not with someone you have or had an emotional connection with, beyond just caring about each other. it’s a fine line sometimes and can get sticky if someone gets attached, but i’ve seen it work.

Sue and Kriskaten, you nailed it. There is no way this can work unless part of that discussion from coffee/lunch/drinks involved repairing their relationship. Be ready to support her when this goes bad.

The whole concept is illogical. There aren’t any benefits of being friends with an ex…not even the sex, no matter how good it was. Sex is best when it’s with someone you actually like, alot. If you still liked your ex alot, they wouldn’t be your ex, would they?

If you’re banging your friends, you don’t have any friends, you just have f%ck buddies.

I have never been FWB with an ex, just someone who was an FWB. It was fun and exciting. He pushed me away because he thought I was developing feelings for him (so totally wasn’t), but when I thought about it later, I figured out that he was developing feelings for me and didn’t want that. It was cool, not a big deal. We didn’t really stay friends afterwards, which was cool too. Sometimes you need to have your needs met but don’t want the hassle of a relationship. It happens.

I want to know if Amanda has a current FWB situation, or ever has. Or if she’d ever be open to it…and whether she’d show up for get together’s as a hot mess…man that boy would be one lucky son-of-a… (cue cold water splashing on face…)

I once had what I thought was a FWB situation. We had never dated but both liked each other as friends when we were in school together. A few years later, we met up at a party one Spring and things quickly became very hot. That year I was moving to Virginia for work at the end of the summer, so I made it clear this was just a Spring/Summer fling, aka FWB. She said more than once she was ok with our arrangement. The week before I moved away, I took her out to dinner and she had this complete public meltdown at the restaurant, professing her love for me and confessing she figured I’d have changed my mind about her during the course of the summer. It was an unforgettable scene … like it was right out of the movies.

I totally agree with Amanda & the other posters on here that say one or the other (or both) will develop genuine feelings over the course of time. It’s a slippery slope (pardon the metaphor), so proceed with caution. If it appears to good to be true, it usually is.

I haven’t had an “FWB after break up”… so I can’t talk about it from that specific circumstance. But I did TRY to have a FWB, in general. Eleven years later, and we’re getting married next month. Keep emotions out of it? Ha ha. Right…

forgive me if this was already brought up, i tried to read everything… but this will also keep them from moving on and meeting other people. seems like right now it might be best to cut ties perhaps FWB could work later if nothing pans out.

Oh no Julia! Back away from the booty, baaaack away! I did that once, with a boyfriend I was madly in love with — 7 years together, thought we were it and had our six babies named and my wedding dress picked out — then whamo, no more boyfriend, but after a while he was after me for the FWB, I figured what the heck? Maybe it’ll make him realize that he really loves me and needs me and what a fool he was to leave me — mmm nope. I got re-heartbroken because I couldn’t separate sex from love. FWB has its own place, but not with an ex.

Amanda, you find the best pictures. They’re subtle yet they are very relevant to the topic of the post. I like it. Also, agreed. If you’re remotely interested in your FWB then you’re gonna get attached eventually. I do think that there can be a circumstance where both parties are just in it “to get it in” as Snooki would say but that is unusual.

This kind of arrangment hardly ever works. As you stated, Amanda, yes, it’s cool in the beginning but SOMEbody develops feelings eventually and if things don’t turn out the way they anticipate, it’s very possible that all hell will break loose. Guys tend to think, because a woman agrees to this arrangement, that they will get the goodies stress-free. NOT! Sooner or later, (most likely) the woman involved will begin to show her emotions, even if she doesn’t verbally & specifically express them. Then, the drama begins. I think FWB situations are dangerous and anyone who is thinking about becoming, or are already, involved in one should proceed with extreme caution. I’ve learned not to ever try anything like that again because, as I’ve had to explain to some people, I’m just not built for that.

I had a FWB relationship with an ex. I think I knew at the time it wouldn’t work but I was still hopeful. I still had feelings for him. Although the end of the FWB rebroke my heart, it might have been what I needed to get “good and angry” with him, which helped the healing process. Prior to that, there was no anger and I think I would have always held on to that glimmer of hope. I don’t really recommend a FWB with an ex, but sometimes it’s what is needed to move forward.

‘Guys tend to think, because a woman agrees to this arrangement, that they will get the goodies stress-free.’ – If a guy has had ANY relationship with a woman, ever in his life, he knows that there is always stress. Add penis to the equation and you can quadruple it.

Harper, I’ve had the same experience very recently and while I’m not heartbroken, I was extremely disappointed and a bit angry at how things evolved. He was my high school sweetheart for whom I’ve always had love so, I think it had to happen this way in order for me to get (the possibility of me &) him out of my system.

“You’ll never get over him until you get out from under him”
Best quote I ever heard and soooooo true. As for FWB, great idea! However, it usually ends being great at “idea” when as you said, someone usually grows attached.