4 Ways to Teach Kids to be Grateful

How parents can teach their kids to curb their drive to acquire and appreciate what they have.

Parents are often shocked at their kids’ lack of gratefulness. And when Hanukkah comes around and kids have gotten all their presents, their bratty, entitled behavior can be even more noticeable.

Parents are confused: “Why aren’t my kids happy with what they have?” “Why this incessant need for more?” Why are they so ungrateful?”

Wanting and desiring things is a very human trait. We have basic drives and one of them is the drive to acquire. This drive is what ultimately causes us to be curious about our world. It fuels our ambitions and makes us passionate about life. But left to its own devices without any attempt to rein it in can lead to unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life.

Our job as parents is to channel their desires into normal proportions by not giving our children everything they ask for.

This is what we are seeing in our children. It is the drive to acquire in an unadulterated form. It is quite normal for kids to want things and because of their poor impulse control they need to have it right now. Our job as parents is to channel their desires into normal proportions by not giving our children everything they ask for.

What about teens? Haven’t they grown out of this?

Teens are also still learning to curb their drive to acquire. Not only that, studies have shown that keeping a gratitude journal helps most adults and even college students feel happier and more grateful. But when those same studies were repeated on teens, there was no significant increase in their happiness or their ability to be happy for what they have.

Experts suggest the reason behind this. Being grateful for what one has means that you are beholden to the people who give you so much; in a teen’s case those people are their parents. Teens are in the process of individuation, trying to find themselves, and this often results in pushing their parents away. Their very real need for independence means that they would rather feel self-reliant than grateful to the adults in their life.

So how can we effectively teach our kids to appreciate what they have?

Here are 4 simple ways to help teach our kids to be grateful:

1. Respect their struggle and learn to say no:

When children and teens are asking us for the latest electronic game, toy or stuffed animal, we don't need to get upset with them for their endless, insatiable desires. It’s normal. Understand this hunger for stuff that your children exhibit. Instead of getting upset when they start in with their complaints and requests, view them with compassion. It is very hard to want things that you can't have. However, we need to remember that we do not need to give in to their urgent pleas. We are the ones responsible for helping them channel their desires into normal proportions. We can and should say no. If they hear that you actually care about how they feel, they will be able to accept your "no" gracefully.

It can sound like this:

Child: “Why can’t I have the newest ipod? All my friends have them! Why do I always have to be the odd man out!”
Parent: You sound frustrated, you really would like that new ipod. It can be hard to want things and not get them. Sadly, you will not be getting a new ipod.”

2. Redirect inappropriate behavior:

“You bought me a green notebook! I asked for red!”
"But this isn't my favorite flavor ice cream!"
"I told you to pick me up at 1pm and you were late!"

Although they might sound bratty and spoiled, we want to avoid labeling our kids in such negative ways. We need to recognize that most kids and teens have a hard time understanding another's feelings. This makes them look selfish. They also don't have the easiest time regulating their feelings, so when they are disappointed, (by not getting their favorite ice cream, or the red notebook) they may just blurt out exactly what they are feeling.

We need to train our kids to act appropriately and respectfully to us. We also need to teach them to express their disappointment and their needs in a polite way. We can also point out how their behavior affects others.

Teach them to be grateful instead of entitled. You can gently say: "I expect when I buy you a notebook, even if it isn’t the color you like, that you say thank you."

Teach them to express their disappointment and needs. You can empathize and state your expectations and model respectful language: "You sound disappointed about the ice cream. However, when someone buys you something you need to say thank you. Next time this happens you can say, ‘Thanks Mom, next time you go, can you get me chocolate?’"

Teach them to understand how their behavior affects others. You can talk about your feelings, empathize and model respectful language: "I feel frustrated when I am spoken to in this way. I am sorry for being late, I am sure you were worried. Next time, you can say: ‘Mom, I worry, when you don’t come on time. Please let me know if you are going to be late…’”

Make sure to teach your young children to say thank you. If they balk in front of the overbearing relatives or the store clerk, pull them aside and gently say, “I know its uncomfortable to say thank you, but I know you want to be polite and that is the polite thing to do.”

Since my husband is the primary breadwinner in our family, whenever I go on a shopping trip with my kids I have them call my husband to say thank you for what they have bought. I explain, “Daddy works hard everyday so we can buy the things we need, let’s give him a call to say, thank you.”

3. Talk about what you are grateful for:

Have you ever given this lecture to your kids: “You should appreciate what you have, there are people starving in Africa! There are children who are just happy to play with sticks and rocks!” This tactic just makes kids feel guilty, defensive, and angry, not more grateful.

It’s more effective if we talk about ourselves and what we appreciate.

The other day, I received a phone call from someone who was collecting tzedakah for a family that has fallen on some difficult times. I got off the phone visibly distressed and my daughter asked what was wrong. I told her that there was a family that was having some sad problems and they needed tzedakah. “When I hear stories like these I just thank God for all we have,” I said to her. “I feel so grateful for our loving, healthy family.”

The indirect lessons taught through our own actions and words pack a bigger punch then a moral lecture.

4. Be a role model:

Children do as we do, not as we say. We need to check our own actions first. Are we acting in grateful ways?

Do you:

Say thank you to the postman, the store clerk, and your friends.

Thank your spouse for making dinner, taking out the garbage, cleaning a clogged drain or for making the phone call to Aunt Ethel, something you really didn’t want to do.

Complain about all the things you don’t have.

Run out to buy the latest gadget or fashion accessory?

Enjoy the simple beauty around you and share it with your children. The sunsets, the sun shining on the snow, laughing babies and blossoming trees.

Creating an environment in your home where kids see a living example of gratefulness will go a long way in teaching your kids to appreciate what they have.

Hanukkah is a time of miracles. Yes, it might seem impossible but kids can learn to be grateful with what they have when we learn respect their struggle and say no, redirecting their inappropriate behavior, avoiding the lecture and being a role model of appreciation.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, is the Director of Parent Outreach for A+ Solutions, facilitating "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" workshops as well as workshops based on “Siblings Without Rivalry.” Adina also runs ParentingSimply.com and is available for speaking engagements. You can reach her and check out her website at www.parentingsimply.com or www.thinkaplus.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 4

(4)
Kimberly,
December 6, 2013 5:49 PM

thank you

Thank you for this article! I was desperately in need of a reminder today and this article is spot on. Thank you for continuing to spread our wisdom!

(3)
Anonymous,
December 5, 2013 5:25 PM

Tanulsagos!

(2)
Wendy,
December 3, 2013 1:43 PM

It looks to me like the most content people are those who are grateful. For many reasons I don't go out & get the latest gadget or follow the latest trends. Also, I remember my parents telling me know when I wanted certain toys. I'm so grateful that they taught me you don't get everything you want. Sometimes great strength comes in saying no and less often in saying yes.

(1)
Goldie,
December 2, 2013 4:23 AM

appreciating the work...

I was recently 'complaining' to my sister about all the laundry I needed to fold and iron. I was telling her how I felt like I was running a rat-race, when my eight year old daughter piped up "Mommy, shouldn't we be thankful that we have five yummy children and they all have clothing and they are healthy enough to dirty them?" It definitely put the whole mountain of clothes into perspective.

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I have had a very difficult life, beset by illness, unemployment, and disappointment from those who had pledged to care for me. I am having trouble seeing the benevolent God in all this. What do you say, rabbi?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I am very sorry to hear about the difficult times that you have had to endure. The trials that you have gone through no doubt have obviously made your relationship to God a difficult one. I can understand why.

As a rabbi, I have witnessed the most horrendous situations imaginable. I have experienced a 20-year-old who lost both of her parents in a car crash. Can you imagine a girl so close to her parents and in one day they're gone? I've lived through a husband coming home to find that his wife has collapsed, and in two days she's dead. There was nothing wrong with her before. And on and on and on.

When someone is in the midst of suffering, that's not the time to offer answers. It's a time to listen and empathize and be with the person as best you can. If there's anyone going through a painful time and is looking for a sense of relief, I am skeptical whether these intellectual answers will offer any kind of relief.

Dealing with pain and suffering is never easy, particularly since we often feel so helpless and out of control. But one thing we do have control over and that is our attitude. Try to stick to this 3-part formula:

1) Look for the positive side to things.

2) Try not to judge God, Who knows more than we do.

3) Ask God for the clarity to understand how this is for the best.

Our perceptions of good and evil are directly related to our understanding of the world. An African tribesman who never saw a hypodermic syringe in his life could think upon seeing a doctor inoculate a child that the doctor was actually trying to hurt the child! Our perceptions change with information.

Therefore the Jewish approach to "suffering" is that everything happens for the good, but since we are finite and cannot see the whole picture, we perceive some things as bad.

God has more information than we do; thus we cannot judge Him and say He is doing something bad. We trust God and say, "I haven't yet figured out why, but God knows this is for the best."

The Talmud tells the story of Rebbe Akiva who was traveling on the road late one night. His only source of light, a candle, blew out; his mode of transportation, a donkey, ran away; and his only source of food, a chicken, died. The next morning Rebbe Akiva realized that armed bandits had plundered everything in the area. Had they seen his candle, or heard his chicken or donkey, they would have victimized him as well.

We can accept pain and suffering in the world by trying to see what positive side it may have. For example, a woman whose child was killed by a drunk driver went out and started MADD - Mothers Against Drunk Driving. This organization was responsible for revolutionizing the laws against drunk driving in America, and as a result has surely saved thousands of lives. It could be said that the purpose of this child was to elevate his mother to the towering heights of greatness that she indeed achieved as a result of the tragedy.

Of course it is not always easy to find the positive side. But even the attempt helps tremendously. It is interesting that if we look back on our own lives, the times we have grown the most are not when things have gone easy, but when they've been difficult. So many times what appears as "bad" or "negative" ends up being a blessing. A person could lose their job, for example, only to realize later that was the opportunity they needed to break into a growing, new field!

In the meanwhile, we have invested so much time and energy into worrying or regretting - all for nothing and all to our detriment. It is wise to remember that worry is defined as "interest paid in advance on a debt which often times never comes due." So when we are having problems, we can ask ourselves, "What have I learned or gained?"

Also, there are two excellent books I can recommend: "Why me, God?" by Lisa Aiken (published by Aaronson), and "Confronting the Loss of a Baby," by Yamin Levy (Ktav).

In 1973, a cease-fire resolution was passed by the U.N. Security Council to halt the Yom Kippur War. Shuttle diplomacy by Henry Kissinger compelled Israel and Egypt to accept the cease-fire. Fighting, however, would continue for another four days. In the war, Israel suffered the loss of 2,600 soldiers and 800 tanks. Four years later, Egyptian leader Anwar Sadat would visit Jerusalem and announce his readiness to forge a permanent peace deal.

I told a group of people to repeat, "I am grateful to my Creator" five minutes each day for a month. Some of the results were:

* "At first I found it difficult to keep this up. This gave me a jolt. The Creator is giving me life each moment of each day and He gives me the air I breathe. Why is it so hard for me to express my gratitude? This self-rebuke gave me a strong feeling of motivation. I was committed to use the power of repeating messages to myself to build up this gratitude.

* "I realized that I would only be able to repeat this for five minutes at a time if I would sing it with a tune. So I would sing this five minutes each day. It became my favorite song.

* "The first day when I heard this, I found myself having to wait for something to start. I began to feel frustrated. Then I said to myself, ‘This is a perfect time to repeat, "I am grateful to my Creator" for five minutes.' It totally transformed the waiting into an uplifting experience. Throughout the month, I chose potentially frustrating moments to practice this. After a while, the stirrings of feelings of frustration became a trigger to begin my exercise."

* "Someone saw me smiling while I was waiting in line at my local supermarket. He asked me if anything special is going on in my life. "There are a lot of special things that I'm beginning to become more aware of," I replied.

* "By repeating, ‘I am grateful to my Creator,' I began to realize that everyone who is kind to me in any way was sent to me by my Creator. I increased my gratitude towards those people and I increased my gratitude to the Creator of it all."

May He Who knows what is hidden accept our call for help and listen to our cry (Siddur).

The Talmud states that a person may be coerced to perform a mitzvah even if it is required that the mitzvah be done of one's own volition (Rosh Hashanah 6a).

But are not coercion and volition mutually exclusive? Not necessarily, explains Rambam. Inasmuch as the soul of the Jew intrinsically wishes to do the Divine will, and it is only the physical self - which is subject to temptation - that may be resistive, the coercion inflicted upon the person overcomes that external resistance. Thus, when one performs the mitzvah, it is with the full volition of the inner self, the true self, for at his core, every Jew wishes to comply with the mandates of the Torah.

There is a hidden part of us, to which we may have limited access, yet we know it is there. When we pray for our needs, said Rabbi Uri of Strelisk, we generally ask only for that which we feel ourselves to be lacking. However, we must also recognize that our soul has spiritual needs, and that we may not be aware of its cravings.

We therefore pray, said Rabbi Uri, that God should listen not only to the requests that we verbalize, but also to our hidden needs that are very important to us - but which He knows much better than we.

Today I shall...

try to realize that there is a part of me of which I am only vaguely aware. I must try to get to know that part of myself, because it is my very essence.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...