Yes, Colicchio compared Hipster Urkel and Mei to Johnny, Joey, Deedee, and Tommy at end of last night’s Top Chef Finale–the culinary culmination of quite possibly the most lopsided (and dull) season we’ve subjected ourselves to in the name of food. He was awestruck at the raw talent of the final two, but I beg to differ at both the comparison and the compliment. All due respect to the leather-clad Lower East Siders, but raw talent is something none of them really had–or at least that’s what you’ll find in the folklore. And with regard to the cheftestants, their skills are the result of pure work ethic, both of them most likely closing in on Gladwell’s 10,000 hours. No matter, I really wanted to turn them (and George and Melissa) into the Ramones (and I’m sure Colicchio really wanted to make that comparison). So sue us.

So this is it. The big finale. The big reveal. And in order to do justice to this momentous occasion, we here at Foobooz HQ decided to do this recap as a game of sorts–a prognostication contest, a jeu de TV wherein Fidel Gastro (who has been recapping these shows since the start of the season and growing progressively weirder, crazier and more terrified of Eric Ripert as the weeks went on) would, on the eve of the broadcast, give a “pre-cap” of the episode. Basically an educated guess at how things would finally shake out during each stage of the well-rehearsed dance that is a Top Chef finale. Then I, your humble editor, would take Fidel’s work and compare it to how things actually happened during the broadcast.

After spending almost an entire season taping under a 105 degree sun, the final four cheftestants are now subjected to the cold extremes of Canadian weather. Maybe it’s the ninth circle of Dante’s Inferno, and this is their own vision of hell? I get my own vision of hell after seeing Grueneberg with a Beiber cut, claiming that she’ll be a nicer person now after two months’ rest. I call bullshit, and it’s readily apparent that she still wants to smash Beverly’s face into an open flame when she interrupts poor Bev’s Last Chance Kitchen report the minute they find themselves together in the back of another Sponsormobile, headed for the top of Vancouver’s Whistler mountain. Right now, they’re miles away from the Top Chef kitchen, and up to this point in the episode, there are neither stovetops nor weapons available to assist Sarah in her murderous ways. But that won’t last forever…