I'm not a runner - just a mom trying to deal with the death of her daughter. Kristy was a multi-talented woman and a professional athlete. Running helps me to feel her presence. And it offers a little peace. - Kristy's mom

The following entries (from beginning runner to half marathon finisher) represents a continuing journey of tremendous grief and sorrow, and of transformation - largely through the therapeutic power of running. The sorrow that has broken my heart open wide has in time allowed me to experience the beauty of being in the present moment. And of course, without the support of family and friends to guide me, I would not have made it this far.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

INDESTRUCTIBLE

Sometime earlier I wrote about how death is seen differently by a mother who has put a child in the ground. I remember also saying I felt "indestructible". When I thought back on this statement I felt it was a little strange and could not quite articulate why I felt this way. When talking about Kristy at her memorial I suddenly just blurted it out. I did not intend to say it. I think this poem explains it better than I...

2 comments:

When I first started reading this, I sympathized with you for your loss. Now, I have lost my grandmother. Now I know the pain first hand, and I empathize with you. Your blog is beautiful, and touches me deeply.

I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. There will be a long road ahead for each of us. What I do know is that the love for your grandmother keeps her alive. I have to keep reminding myself that I would not want Kristy to cry for me if I had been the one to die. I would want her to remember me and how much I loved her. I would want to bring a smile to her face.

KRISTIANNA GOUGH

1977 - 2008

Through Her Eyes

By Kristy's mom

letting her go is such an act of finalitythis finality is so acuteit brings all other relationships into focusthe cushion between you and your mortality is gonegrieving this loss is grieving the loss of your own lifeand coming to terms with its presenceit becomes an idea that cannot be ignoredshe is now and forever living in youin your eyes and your heartshe is thereand you can tell when you are seeing thingsthrough her eyeswhen the feeling of her spirit touches youin these moments you are overcomewith all the fullness of her presenceas if all your memories of herwere compressed into one, tiny pinholea shining light of pure energyand it is loveit is now your part to take this loveand distribute it by planting her seedso that she may live again

Kristy's indomitable spirit was both admirable and infectious. I feel blessed and fortunate to have met her and train with her. My favorite memories of Kristy were riding abreast on the long Sunday trainingrides, boy she could REALLY put the hurt on!!!…

It was very special to have her pat me on the back while I was suffering on the rollers in the cycling gym. She had an extraordinary ability to push the limits on the bike without showing it!!! I have mixed feelings about the fact that I was the last one to be with her before being taken away by the ambulance, but I want everyone to know that even with her broken body, she never stopped fighting. Kristy was a special human being and will remain in my thoughts and prayers for the rest of my days on this earth.

-Daniel Brasse, Third Pillar

Yes, she could be impish!

A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born. -Antonine de Saint-Exupeny

Always Smiling...

Take me away in the nightto my motherlandShow me the wind in the treeshold me with my own hands.-Kristy Gough

Love That Will Not Die

"When inspiration has become hidden, when we feel ready to give up, this is the time when healing can be found in the tenderness of pain itself." - Pima Chodron

Beloved Jackman Do

"I do not expect to be made happy at every turn. Neither do I expect to be made sad. I welcome both. I do not expect my heart to plod along safely, nor do I want it to. My only expectation is that I feel deeply. Pain, pleasure, grief, euphoria, loneliness, fulfillment and onward. I would be silly and ungrateful to resent the fact that it didn't last longer."

Kristy Gough 2003

On Being Alone

Krisnamurti was a spiritual leader in India who died in 1986. He was once asked what is the most appropriate thing to say to a friend who was about to die. He answered, "Tell your friend that in his death, a part of you dies and goes with him. Wherever he goes, you also go. He will not be alone." - from The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch.

SISTERS

Laurissa and Kristy

Falling Apart

When things fall apart and we're on the verge of we know not what, the test of each of us is to stay on that brink and not conretize. The spiritual journey is not about heaven and finally getting to a place that's really swell. - Pima Chodron