Thursday, April 2, 2009

That's what Crabkid did to me as an April Fool's joke. And while Dad was in the shower, we put toothpaste in the bottom of his sock! She was hysterical with joy as he described the feeling of minty squishiness between his toes. She loved that he had to go and wash his foot again! Dad really got into the spirit of the day and offered me a sherry last night that was in fact apple cider vinegar. As Crabkid would say, de-scrumptious.

And you all? Any tricks to report?

For those new readers who have come here from Cookie, welcome! No, that wasn't an April Fool's joke: I have really been laid off. And yes, it's okay. They were very good to me and I had lots of fun with that blog and made money out of it and ticked quite a few people all off. All good. But on the positive side of being laid off, I can't make fun of Mormons as freely over there as I can here. And when I said whackjob Octomom's kids should be taken away from her, they did ask me to "soften the message." Thankfully here I can be completely unfiltered...and I plan to get back to that so stay tuned, non-vaccinators, religious people, and people who have too many children: Crabmommy is coming for you!

13 comments:

I'm so glad to have stumbled upon your blog. It made me laugh out loud! Motherhood has made me crazy- and not always in a good way! My oldest daughter duct taped my husband's dinner plate to the table for April Fool's... I was spared because I knew where the duct tape was. Bookmarking your blog NOW :)

My three year old son and I rolled my husband's jeep in bright orange (non-adhesive) construction tape at his job. I got the boy to catch the roll under one side as I ran around to throw it over and do it all over again, wrapped the steering wheel up with it, it was great, his employees got a kick out of it and it only took him about ten minutes to undo the whole thing. The best thing about my favorite calendar day is he never gets me :D but I always get him, he had even commented to one of his managers that he was curious what his wife had in store for him on this first day of April, fun fun

Cookie´s complete and total loss...here is hoping the followers you had there will find their crabbyfix here with you. Promise you will never-ever go PC on us! We so need more of your plain talk on this planet. Write on Crabmommy!OXOX Mama de HJH

Crabmommy Manifesto

On this website I will never:*speak of the enchanting constant joy and transformative wonderment of motherhood*dispense little nuggets about what my child has taught me*tell any mom to stop and smell the diapers "because it all goes by in the blink of an eye"*make jokes about bowel movements and baby body fluids (because it's not my thing and it can be found abundantly elsewhere)*use the word "miracle"*count my blessings*chart my child's developmental milestones*seem to be in a good or grateful mood*be mean about my friends or family because they'll get me back

On this website I will:*laugh at myself*laugh at others*laugh at rural momming*laugh at urban momming*mock the Stokke highchair*covet the Stokke highchair

Disclaimer:Let me say once for the record: like any mother I adore my own tot, think she is more brilliant, beautiful and gifted than yours, but this goes without saying. So I'm not going to say it (again). Rather, I vow to use my precious bloody-little time to talk about the more wretched and tricky aspects of momhood, pausing often to drown myself in a vat of self-pity and whining. Welcome!

About Me

Originally South African, then was an urban mommy (NYC), then hubby and I decided NYC sucks unless one is awash in cash...so we decamped to the smalltown cowboy west, to a town of many hyperfit, cheery "Look On the Bright Side" moms. Too much cheeriness forced us north and west and urban and rainy. I am happier in gloom. Crabmommy is mom to one child and one only, and by God it's going to stay that way. Recent musings in a variety of fancy literary magazines that nobody reads SO THEN I GOT A REAL WRITING JOB with Cookie magazine online, where I have a bloglet about momming. (Like I don't plug that one enough. Sheesh.)
email: crabmommy [then u make the at sign] gmail [dot] com