One of the big questions in the world of sport is whether Caster Semenya, the woman who won the 800 meter race at this years world championships, is in fact a woman. Because of doubts raised as to Semenya’s true gender, the International Amateur Athletics Foundation (IAAF) will be administering a gender verification test which will clear things up once and for all.

According to an IAAF spokesman, the gender verification test is “a very complex procedure.”

Is all this really needed?

It must be sad to have your very being challenged in this manner. I’m not in a position to know the answer on Castor’s gender. I am in a position to wonder why the gender test is very complex.

I believe it can be done, without doctors, without anyone disrobing, without lab tests and blood samples.

Here are the steps in the Omawarisan Gender Verification Test ™. Please note that no one step in the OGVT gives a definitive answer as to the gender of a test subject. They are rather indicators of tendencies which, when analyzed by an expert, can guide an informed decision.

Observe the test subject. Is there inappropriate scratching, even in the presence of others? Does the subject tend to scratch more if given a baseball and baseball glove?

Ask the subject to use the word dude in a sentence. Repeat the request over and over, noting how many different sentences the subject can generate and the part of speech the word dude serves as in each sentence.

Bring the subject into a room. Show a series of Three Stooges films. Observe the reaction.

Place a cold pizza in the room. Does the subject eat any of it?

Ask the subject to show you their car. Is the car a VW Beetle?

These five questions hold the key to less complex gender verification. IAAF, I could resolve this issue for you and Castor Semenya in less than a day. Call me.

Readers – Do you want to be part of the development of this historic test? Let me hear your question suggestions in the comments.

Update 9/10/09: A reliable source informs me that the results of that other kind of test are in.

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If I hadn't written this, I would use these to tell people I'd read it.

Lead the subject inside a Home Depot, Lowe’s, hardware store, give them money. Observe.

If subject goes to power tools or objects you have to read the tags on the shelves to identify, is there a hint of the sex? How about if subject goes for the sparkly light fixtures, carpeting, appliances and fixtures?

How about asking the subject to get dressed in party clothes? If they match, it’s a female.
At the risk of sounding mean, would you mind adding Michelle Wie to your potential subject list? There is a dispute in my household regarding his/her gender.

Oh I think the toilet seat can be part of the test, but nothing is an absolute indicator.
For instance, my wife laughs at the Three Stooges, but doesn’t know how to use dude in a sentence and wouldn’t touch cold pizza. If we went strictly by one test I’d have to question the last 20 years of my life.