Thursday, May 26, 2011

I Have a Theory.

I think He feeds off negative energy. Well, not directly. But in a way that negative emotion sort-of...draws Him in, I guess? Or it makes it easier for Him to find you?

I didn't see Him at all yesterday. Either I had a good time, and that's why He didn't appear, or I had a good time because He didn't appear. I'm leaning toward the former.

And then today.

Today went fine until after school, when the tennis match began.

I had the slightest notion that I wasn't playing my best, my doubles partner was beginning to irk me, and I hadn't eaten lunch today so I was nauseous as well as irritated.

He wasn't close, oh no, nowhere near as close as He had been that first night. He was rather far away actually, in the playground at the park where our courts are located. There weren't any children there, but there were a few nearby watching a baseball game. No one seemed to notice Him but me. I lost a point because of Him. Even after I managed to tear my head away, even on the ride home, I could still feel those horrid tingles running up my spine.

And then I got home.

And then I got home.

Home, home. Home only brings work for me. My English IA draft is due tomorrow. I need to prepare the beginning of my Math IA (of which I barely have any survey results; why the fuck are there no students that blog at my school!?) and I have a packet of work on statistics (I think) to do. Not difficult, but time-consuming. And I still haven't slept well for the last couple days(weeks? months?), so I would be perfectly content in falling asleep right now.

And it's all so overwhelming that it makes me want to cry. Scratch that, I'm crying right now. I would demand another day off in a heartbeat, but a) my mother would never let me, and b) I would be letting my tennis team down on the last match of the season.

I can't handle this.

I want it to be over.

The chills are setting in again.

From there my theory goes in a million different directions. If He somehow embodies the negative feelings and throws them back at you with full force, if He uses the negative energy to eat away at your positive energy until there's nothing left. But gradually, it seems, He'll make you believe that you have nothing left and that He can bring you to a better place. Then He will take you by the hand and lead you away. And you know what happens from there. Don't you?