What AM Learned From TV Last Night

Slappin' Ass, Drinking Johnnie Walker: Sunday TV Lessons For Men

While your high school English teacher claimed TV rots the brain, we pull serious life lessons from it every Sunday. From the drama of the NFL all day, to Drama on Entourage at night, the Sunday TV lineup can teach us how to be better alpha men, how to treat women, how to win, how to drink, and most importantly, how to be more Don Draper and less Turtle. Those are lessons you won’t get from any high school reading list. Included below are three important things we learned from yesterday’s TV lineup, plus a moral lesson from Jon Gosselin’s Twitter page. He’s great at showing us what not to do.

Mad Men: Bring a bottle and Balzac

Johnnie Walker makes life go down easier. While Don is waiting for Betty to acrimoniously squeeze out the third brat they’ll neglect, he accepts some Johnnie Walker Red from a prison guard who is also awaiting new shackles (aka a newborn). It’s Don’s third time in the waiting room and he admits to never thinking to bring a bottle. That disappoints us, Don. Usually you’re always within arm’s reach of a cocktail. However, he won us back by quoting Balzac off the cuff to the worried guard: “Our worst fears lie in anticipation.” Goddamn, Draper even makes drinking Scotch out of a paper cup look cool. Men, remember: When in doubt, Balzac and a bottle.

Best quote of the episode goes to Roger who opens a Pete-clobbering with: “I should dropkick you off the roof.” Then follows with: “Let me put it into account terms. Are you aware of the number of hand jobs I'm gonna have to give?” Bonus Mad Men lesson: Saying “have a nosh” while wearing a turtleneck makes you look like an “Ed Hardy,” as proven by Duck Phillips.

Fear youth

Football analysts weren’t sure what to make of the Jets making rookie QB Mark Sanchez their starter. However, they’re not second-guessing yesterday's stellar performance. The rest of the NFL will now fear this 22-year-old after he picked apart the Houston defense by throwing for 272 yards and a touchdown in a 17-point win. On a similar note, Entourage taught us to be wary of young women. Yes, they’re sexy, but they get insanely jealous and steal your underwear. Eric’s baby bird of a girlfriend, Ashley, continues to prove that this relationship is going to end horribly wrong, probably with fashion scissors to his nuts. When he gets an early phone call from Turtle, she immediately thinks it’s Sloan and checks his call history. She also shows up to his work unannounced just to see if he’s there. We also learn who stole Vince’s underwear. It wasn’t a stalker, but a sorority prank by girls who believed they were stealing Turtle’s panties. College girls are so dumb. They were busy messing with the chubby friend when they could have been crawling into bed with one of the biggest movie stars in the world.

Slap an ass

After throwing his first touchdown as a Viking, Brett Favre smacked the referee on the ass. True, Favre has looked like an ass-clown over the last few months by faking retirement again and then stabbing Packers fans in the back by joining the Vikings. Still, we have to give him credit for the balls it takes to slap a ref’s butt. That’s total alpha right there. Dogs hump other dogs to prove dominance; it’s not only a sexual thing. You don’t have to start dry-humping guys, but don’t be afraid to assert your macho in a situation by a quick smack. Even Drama did it in this week’s Entourage. After buying a bunch of S&M swag, he smacks Turtle with a paddle. Poor Turtle, still the beta male.

Bonus lesson: Hang out at S&M shops. If the girls are half as sexy as the porn clerk Drama banged, then sign us up for Nipple Clips Monthly.

This Week In Gosselin: Steer clear of after-parties by House of Hype

After parading his young girlfriend through his hometown and further assuring his kids will have enormous therapy bills, Jon Gosselin tweeted: “Happy to be at House of Hype/Talent Resources VMA After Party at The Rivington- sponsored by Starbucks VIA.” Thank God you know what after-parties to avoid now. Wouldn’t want to get stuck talking to Gosselin about how his “career” is totally blowing up. He’s likely to be the first person to join The Surreal Life without ever having a first career. Also, you may want to steer clear of Starbucks if they’re sponsoring that trashy event.