Journey with Angelene

Monday, March 06, 2017

I took the supermarket flowers from the windowsill Threw the day old tea from the cup Packed up the photo album Matthew had made Memories of a life that's been loved

Took the get well soon cards and stuffed animals Poured the old ginger beer down the sink Dad always told me don't you cry when you're down But mum there's a tear every time that I blink

Oh I'm in pieces it's tearing me up but I know A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved

So I'll sing Hallelujah, you were an angel in the shape of my mum When I fell down you'd be there holding me up Spread your wings as you go And when God takes you back He'll say Hallelujah, you're home

I fluffed the pillows, made the beds, stacked the chairs up Folded your nightgowns neatly in a case John said he'd drive, then put his hand on my cheek And wiped a tear from the side of my face

I hope that I see the world as you did cause I know A life with love is a life that's been lived So I'll sing Hallelujah, you were an angel in the shape of my mum When I fell down you'd be there holding me up Spread your wings as you go, when God takes you back He'll say Hallelujah, you're home

Hallelujah, you were an angel in the shape of my mum You got to see the person that I have become Spread your wings and I know That when God took you back, he said Hallelujah you're home

The closing track of Ed Sheeran's latest album.

It was written for his grandmother when she passed away whilst he was in his studio.

The words, were so raw and coincide with my thoughts especially the chorus of him saying 'I will sing Hallelujah, you were an angel in the shape of my mum.

And when God takes you back, He'll say Hallelujah, you're home'

Everything became so real again.

Almost a month and my tears still flow in pain when I think of her.

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Ivy sent me this card recently. So timely. And a good reminder.

When I cant really utter my words to the Lord.

Lord, with all the tears that overflown, I pray that You watch over her dearly.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

I was oncall that very morning when I suddenly received a message from mum to our family chat group that my cousin called and said my maternal grandma complained of severe headache and vomited.

I initially thought, they are on their way to hospital, should be ok.
I continue running my med reg job in ED, saving lives, finish up the clerking, post taking, do bloods and try to clear the board of so many medical patients to be seen.

Next message I received was, grandma loss consciousness on the way to hospital. She had difficulties in breathing, doctor is resuscitating her. The symptoms sounded so familiar.... So typical of what I normally see at work. Sudden headache, reduced GCS, collapsed....and the next will be... death.
I knew straight away, it didn't look promising.

Replied mum and said... didn't look good mum.
And I knew, mum was crying hysterically already. She was waiting my brother to fetch her to rush to hospital in Melacca to say her last goodbye, but it is all too late when she arrived....

Me on the other side, just managed some lunch when I received a call from my brother, crying hysterically about the sudden death of this beloved grandma of mine.
This was not an expected death.
She was so fine, besides some aches and pain, she showed no illness.
Still prodding around at home, helping to cook yummy delicious dinners, washing, cleaning and independent in her daily activities. She needs no help!

I just could not believe this at all. My grandma whom promised to see me gets married and have kids is now... left! My tears kept flowing like waterfall. I knew I couldn't continue my work that day.
Thank God my consultant caught me and sat me aside. She reassured me that things will be fine. Just go home if need to. Spoke to my educational supervisor quickly who happened to be consultant oncall, approved my emergency leave and off I went.
4pm reached home. Took my passport and visa. Packed some dark coloured clothes.
430pm, jumped on the train and zoomed to airport.
The whole journey was such a torture, I just kept crying and the man sitting infront of me turned around wondering what was wrong. I just kept quiet and let the tears flow.
9pm, got the earliest flight and flew back home...

Probably the worse journey ever. I always looked forward to going home, but this 17 hours, was nothing but cry sleep eat cry and repeat. The heartache and pain is just indescribable. Only God knows.... why He called her home so suddenly when none of us were prepared at all.

Cousin was just saying, granny was cutting rice cakes that very evening to bring back to KL home because my brother and sister love to eat them. She is always knowing what we like and not. She wasn't expecting this goodbye as well. So WHY...she was called home? I now wonder a lot!

People might say she is already old. Yeah 88 years old to be exact, but she wasn't a frail 88 who is bedbound, demented and needing carers! Her memory is spot on. She has been very well. The last time I saw her was last November when I went back. How I wished I have called her and tell her I will see her soon in June when I go back. I wished I could hold her wrinkly hands again, sitting next to her and talk everything under the sun, accompany her to eat her favourite luicha. I have so many regrets that I wished I could fulfil them before saying this goodbye.

The main reason why it hurts so much, mainly for my family because she literally raised us up since baby. She lived with us for 35 years( since Darren was born). She knew our likes and don't likes. Our habits, our attitude, everything inside out. She is like our 2nd mummy. Every trip I am back, she would make the very effort to cook my favourite chicken rice, or assam fish. She would spend whole day cooking, with her secret recipe that start from scratch. My sister was just saying the other day when she made Chinese ZhongZi, she remembers the content of it that we like, so in total, she had to wrap probably 5-6 different types based on our likes( with meat, with fattypork, with more chestnut, with sotong...) She execute them all perfectly. Because she aims to make us happy.

When she left us suddenly like this, it feels a previous person of ours has been robbed, cruelly and no return. I hope she is at a better place now. A place she is happier. A place with no pain and tears. Tears still flow in secret everytime I thought about her. Lord, heal this broken heart and may her soul rest in peace. I looked forward to see her again in heave. I miss her already.

I will remember the day I arrived and saw her body in the coffin. Sleeping peacefully, my heart sank.

I hope she is resting well now.

The final sent off of my beloved granny.

The song played by the pancaragam was....

'What a friend we have in Jesus'

And it is comforting, although the whole ceremony was in Buddhism style, our initial greatest fear was if she is with the Lord.

Before she died, she told us she dreamt of Jesus, she prayed to Jesus.

But we weren't very sure if salvation was upon her.

Having to know God publicly proclaim His presence here, we as a family found peace, for we know, we will reunite with her in Heaven, once day.

My final selfie with grandma.

x I really miss her x

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Literally, a week later.

My paternal grandma was called to be with the Lord as well.

My family is still grieving over my maternal grandma, we are hit again by the 2nd wave of paternal grandma deteriorated in the hospital and died.

She is known to have dementia, rather frail. Had urosepsis and antibiotics haven't been effective.

Dad was devastated. I heard sis said he cried.

I wished I could be there to comfort him.

But before I left, he said it is ok not to go back, also because he is worried my training will be affected, and didn't want me to travel to and fro like that.

Now I hate being away from home like this.

I really hope, in critical time like this, I am able to pray and be with them physically.

So what I can save lives here, but not being able to give support to my family back home.

It's meaningless..

This was taken 2 weeks before grandma was brought into hospital.

Kiefer's first encounter with his 2nd Taima.

He lost 2 greatgrandmas too.

Little boy didn't know much.

When we asked where was taima, he said....

'sleeping in the box'

Innocence but true fact.

Staff at workplace, bought me this. How thoughtful.

Lily, came visit and brought me a bunch of tulips.

Just looking at them just bring so much comfort.

Really appreciate all messages and kind thoughts from friends near and far.

When situation is getting so hard to bear, I give thanks that the Lord provide friends who will be there to support me through this difficult period of time.

WasSup Doc: It is well, with my soul. May their souls rest in peace with you Lord. Please comfort my family members who have to go through 2 bereavements back to back. Help us to stay strong as a family, and we trust that all this happened for a good reason.

Sunday, February 05, 2017

Highlight of this week, CHANGED OVER!
Yes, I am not registrar to the general medicine team.
Worked along with Dr C and Dr Mc at present.
So far, so good.

Even had to drive Dr C back to Lancaster on my first day of work in Kendal.
That was a complete challenge!
Thank goodness, we arrived safely and my little car DID NOT stop in the middle of the road...Phew!

Another highlight was THIS!

Yups, met up with Cher Chyi in Manchester.

We didn't see each other for... 13 years since graduating from high school!

WOW.....

Really amazing how we could talk and laughed over life.

Spent 3 hours talking and just updating each other about respective lives.

Really appreciate how she trusted me fully and speak so honestly.

Twas was an amazing catch up.

Looked forward to another reunion when SQ send her back here AGAIN!

and then the feast continue..

Thanks to Sai and Joyce for putting up such yummy dinner for me.

Newton Close minions :)

Look at these...

Even yeesang was there.

** I ate 2 bowls to rice..... not shy**

OOpsie...

I am blessed with good friends.

WasSup Doc: Enjoy the little things in life, as when you look back later, you will realise they are BIG THINGS.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Because I took some leave in December, and left a few more weeks in acute stroke team, I dare not ask for more leave.

Therefore, when the CNY mood arrived, I was so emotionally down.
Felt left out once more.
I want to be at home, eating reunion dinner with my fambam.
Although we dun do much, it is still a nice sense of happiness, being surrounded by loved ones.

So this year, I didn't get to go back.
Reunion dinner, spent at home, eating pasta myself after a long day at work.
Managed to squeeze in a gym class at least. Felt better post work out.

Then Saturday came, the BIG 1st day of celebration.
Put on my red shirt.
Off I went to Lily's House for our annual reunion... just the 3 of us.
Steamboat it was.
Went and watch LaLa Land prior to dinner. It's been a very time since we went for a movie together.
It was a good movie, as expected. But ending was a whee bit unexpected but it was reality.
Lily felt it too.

"There was once, you both had big dreams. You share it with your very loved one. You encouraged each other to pursue that dream. And when opportunities come, you grabbed it, worked hard for it, pursued it, achieved it BUT.... the person whom you shared your dream with is no longer the same.... Life, moves on. You wished you could turn back that clock, you wished the outcome would be a different ending of happy ever after. Reality is a complete different ending unfortunately..... "

Anyway, it was still a nice movie, with sweet musical songs..... and telling you to chase your dreams, NO MATTER WHAT!

Our reunion dinner. Yums

Trio, sisters in Manchester since 2008.

Red is the ANG ANG colour for CNY.

Have a blessed year ahead, all.

Dearest daughters( us 3) didn't get to go back this year, but our hearts are with you all.

Love and blessings.

WasSup Doc:“Just as you usher in lights, lanterns and other forms of illuminations to welcome the New Year, may the New Year usher in for you new hopes, dreams and aspirations."

WasSup Doc: "Don't worry if people think you're crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they're destined to be."

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Feeling extremely GREAT today because I have achieved something that never happened to me for the SO MANY Lumbar Puncture performed since CMT 1!

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When the lady from the lab called me....
I kinda like..SSHOCKED in disbelief!
Wow..... CHAMPAGNE Tap this!
Literally want to fly. Hahaha
HAPPY daoo...

﻿

Anyway, been a real busy day today with TIA patients in clinic. But Dr Kumar been a great help.
We cleared them up quick, did a ward round in CCU and then off I went to do this LP.

Then the nightmare news of x2 of my SHOs called in sick!😭 Which means, I will be the FY1, SHO, Registrar and maybe some senior input elsewhere. 1 man show this! Terrible...for the whole ward.

Worse thing that could happen on a Monday morning. No wonder today is labelled as Black Monday. but thank God, I survived. Things were done accordingly and no patients were compromised. We managed.
When you start off the day right, surrendering everything into His mighty hands. Things will turn out FINE. Today is a great day. ** I was a bit stress about doing the LP initially. But hey ho, managed it with my first attempt anyway. GREAT!

wasSup Doc: Everyday is a new day that the Lord has made, we shall rejoice in it! Thank You Lord :)﻿