It has been six months since my last suicide attempt.
I have everything I want in the world: a husband who adores me, a prestigious and fulfilling career, parents who love me and brought me up with love, a dog who is my “better half” and a handful of friends, close enough to have meaningful relationships with. But there is a gaping hole inside me, a darkness that threatens to swallow me whole if I let myself slip. This hole manifests itself through feeling empty.
Two years ago, before I defended my PhD thesis, I was put on antidepressants, that got me through the defence. But they also produced grand mal-seizures, and loss of memory previous to ten days before the incident. I was hospitalised.

Two years later now, I seem to be ok.Except for the suicide serious enough, that I was institutionalised for four days.

Besides the scars on my arms, I have mental scars from the trauma of rape that I don’t know how to resolve. I was raped 9 years ago by my professor. I never spoke up. I am 35 years old now, and still living the consequences. It helped when I finally spoke with my parents this year.

I have anxiety.
I want to have a child but I don’t know if I will be a good mother at all.
I have not had sex with my husband for the last two years (we have been married for three and half years now). I chose him because he is older and very very gentle. He will not beat me.
If it’s help I need, then I don’t know where to begin.
But I am skilled in the art of suicide.

Hi, Whatever happened was not good but now you can’t change the past but you can have a beautiful future. The things which made you to feel like this are happened in bad time. As you have many supporting people, it will helpful for you to regain joy in your life. IT’s very good that you have opened the things which will make you to feel little bit better now and shows how many people are there for you. You’re strong enough to build your life by yourself, People are usually get fear from this kind of situation but this is where they’ll know their strength.
Suicide is not even an option for anything. The thoughts will come to mind when you think only about the negative things for that you need to change your mindset towards solving problem. You have to maintain a positivity around yourself.
You’re strong enough to lead your life by preventing your past things effecting your present life. Don’t fear about your future when you do the satisfactory things today then it will give the results for tomorrow. That’s how you can come out from the anxiety problems. As you have a very good husband, you don’t need to worry about future everything will be alright and believe in yourself, you can take care of yourself and family. You’re welcome to have a conversation at anytime, Thank you.