Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Is there a chapter in HowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeople
for folks who live without a social filter? Because I'm fairly certain I don't have one.

I mean, when you leave a comment on your husband's Facebook page that says "I watered the grass
this morning. ;) " no one could possibly look at that as innocently
stating that you watered the new sod when there's an emoticon winking at the reader. That simple semi-colon, close parenthesis smiley face, made it dirty. I knew it and I typed it anyway. Because I have no filter.

This morning I
made the mistake of buying mocha frappes for Madison and me. I
exclaimed upon the first sip "Omigod, these are better than sex" and immediately apologized to her, saying, "Jeez, Madison, I say the most inappropriate things to you, don't
I? I'm so sorry, babe."

She replied with, "I
don't mind. You can say them in
front of my friends, too, you know. They think you're The Cool Mom."
Well of course they do! They're teenagers! They think the word
"dingleberry" is funny. *giggle* Dingleberry.

Why do I say these things to my child? If she grows up with an unhealthy attachment to coffee
products, having been inadvertently corrupted by my frappe comment, I'll have Mommy Guilt. Because I have no filter.

I'll give you another example of my filter-less existence. Yesterday we took Madison to the orthodontist for her initial visit. I sat filling out the forms while John read Sports Illustrated For Kids and Madison played on her iPod. Halfway through my scribbling, this happened:

"Psst. Hey, hon. The question here asks "What is the reason for your visit". I should put "Those teeth be crooked, yo."

John laughed and said, "Jacked up teeth."

"Yes! Ha ha!" said I...and wrote it down. "Jacked. Up. Teeth."

Super proud of having the nerve to put his thought to paper, I felt it was only right that I should share it with him. He looked at it and said incredulously, "You PUT that?!" Then he shook his head.

Well, duh! Yeah, I put that! It's funny.

They probably get tired of seeing the same thing every day. I wanted to make a memorable first impression. I imagined that the doctor would look at it and think Well, I don't think I've ever seen that exact answer before. And he would be correct.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

It's Mother's Day. Sugar Daddy had already left for work, but when I came downstairs, I found this note waiting for me on the computer.

I know this means that he probably forgot to buy me a
card, but you know what? I don't need Hallmark to tell me how special I am to him when he's got the means to link words together all pretty like that.

I do
love that man. So as Elliot said regarding E.T., "I'm keeping him."

This was my note:

For my Wife on Mother’s Day:

No fancy card is going to convey how proud I am that you are the Mother
of our children. You help raise them with their best interests in
mind. You do so much for them that I could never do, or do as well,
like hair, “girl-talk” make-up, etc.. Since I work a lot, it’s so nice,
and comforting, to know that there is stability here at home provided
by you.

We are all thankful for what you do as Queen of this castle. WEAR YOUR CROWN PROUDLY TODAY!!

Love,

Gidget

To answer the question his closing words put in your mind, yes, I call him Gidget. He's also often referred to as Princess Stephanie. And sometimes Sharon.

Call me "Ishmael".

These are the absolutely true stories of Erika - wife, mother of three, and word ninja. When not writing wrongs or battling her nemesis, Dishes Galore, she enjoys poking people with sharp sticks until they make little squeaky sounds. *poke*