Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Supreme Court recently voted to uphold the FCC going crazy collecting fines for cursing/swearing on television networks. Do people get out of control with cursing? Yes. But this ruling opens a huge can of worms with censorship in any media form. Is Catch In The Rye indecent? Is a swear word on a blog indecent? Is Fatal Attraction indecent? Is Lady Gaga's Poker Face indecent? If Justic Scalia (and other conservative babies) had their way, probably:

"Even when used as an expletive, the F-word's power to insult and offend derives from its sexual meaning," wrote Scalia.

I really don't think Americans realize what our rights are and how quickly they can erode if we let them. Just Stevens thinks words are just that:

"As any golfer who has watched his partner shank a short approach knows, it would be absurd to accept the suggestion that the resultant four-letter word uttered on the golf course describes sex or excrement and is therefore indecent," he wrote. "But that is the absurdity the FCC has embraced in its new approach to indecency."

Thanks God liberal and "minority" Americans Obama will be able to appoint new Chief Justices in his first term. This country needs some fixin'!

QUESTION TO PONDER: why do Americans with conservative theology ideology scream "Socialism!" when it comes to monetary issues, but scream for oversight and policing when it comes to entertainment?

I feel the need to post something (not that too many people view this blog...) because if you're like me, you're getting panicked by the media into thinking you should stay at home and not talk to anyone for days. If you have symptoms, yes, stay home! But there's no need to be hysterical at this point. My recommendation, per my local hospital:

"If you are experiencing minor symptoms at home, please stay home, get rest and drink plenty of fluids. If your symptoms are moderate or severe, please seek care from your primary physician. Reminder: the best way to fight swine flu (and any flu!) is through common sense measures. Stay at home if you are sick. Wash your hands frequently and cover your mouth with a tissue or a sleeve if you cough or sneeze."

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Not sure how I missed this viral video craze. Then again, I don't exactly pay attention to "in the butt" videos. Basically, a flaming gay dude sings about getting poked in his poopshoot. Hoot, hoot (in the shoot!) The video below inspired it's own parodies (also below) and will have you taking it in the booty humming the catchy phrase all day long.

For a gay dude, Samwell is a shitty dancer. I mean, the robot? Speaky of shitty, what's with the giant heart made out of poop chocolate?

Anypoop, South Park made a parody of the video, which I didn't even realize until seeing the original video above. That tells you how wacky and subversive South Park can be. We knew Butters was a gay ho, but that he ripped off Samwell's poopy-hearted, busted Mr. Roboto ghetto vid masterpiece is shameful.

And now, it seems Israeli soldiers made their own parody video.1. Don't they have anything better to do? Aren't these the supposed tough guys that use Krav Maga?! 2. Of all of the videos to parody, why this one? And how did they convince all of these guys to participate? "Hey, you bored? Wanna be in my "in the butt" video?" Er, no.

Friday, April 24, 2009

So what's what the heir to Chicago Bears franchise quarterbacks to do during the off-season? Get wasted and chase ass, of course! Jay Cutler hasn't even been a Bear a month and he's yet again showing he can outdo Kyle Orton on the field throwing to mediocre receivers who couldn't catch an STD in a whorehouse and off the field. Orton was a Chicago legend off the field: always getting photographed out at the Chicago bars with "butterface" Lincoln Park trixies and sloppy beer spills on his shirts. Well, Cutler seems ready and actively trying to steal Orton's legendary rep. According to reports, he was partying at Hub51 earlier this month with Da Bears' tight-end Greg Olsen and chasing after some slut who banged some half-black Congressman Tweeted later the next morning that night about meeting him.Geez, Cutler is going to go hog wild once Chicago is warm enough to actually do some serious partying on the town. Before taking in all of the celebratory activity this town has to offer, shouldn't he be prepping for the Superbowl everyone claims he's bringing the Bears to his first season as a Bear? Don't get me wrong, athletes party and Chi-town can be a huge distraction for them. But when yhe hasn't played in a game yet and he's being partying like the town Golden Boy, shouldn't there be concern? I have to say it's a bad start to things when the guy has diabetes and the Bear GM still can't make him stay home and watch film/train.

Well, let's hope for the best Chicago. Hey, at least he's bonding with his tight-end. Too bad he's all thumbs.

100 days into the Presidential term, so you know what that means? Time to start getting negative. Which, coincidentally is exactly what the US needs right now to fix the economy and America's reputation abroad. According to recent polls:

the Pew Research Center says Obama has the most polarized early first-term job approval ratings of any president in the past four decades, part of a long-term trend of partisanship becoming more apparent in the measurement.

Now, I'm not saying Obama has done anything spectacular yet or that everyone has to love every decision he makes right now, but clearly, some shady politics are brewing. Political windbags are saying politics are becoming increasingly bipartisan due to redistricting and new media outlets. Uh huh. Let's cut the BS:

Given that bipartisanship is a two-way street, it's possible that Republicans are too resistant to working with the president, while Obama himself isn't willing to compromise enough. At the very least, there are deep and sincere differences between Republicans and Democrats, and they may be too difficult to overcome. Republicans contend Obama hasn't delivered at all.

So let's get this straight? Former President Bush gets to play "you're either with me or you're a terrorist/liberal/un-American" hard ball for 8 years, and he's considered stalwart and dedicated. President Obama trie playing hardball, and he's not compromising and not delivering...in 100 days? I love how this country thinks!

For 8 years, President Bush messed up this country (and the world?), in more ways than one (financially, environmentally, theologically) and we can't cut Obama a break 100 days in. Brilliant!

My only hope is that if Obama can fix this country and return it to the great place that make Americans proud and makes other countries envy, people will remember that the GOP and their conservatism is what almost ruined this country, not elevated it.

Here's an article on old wives' tales that are not true, despite most of us thinking they are. I have to admit, I did think some of these were very true like the carrots for better eye health myth. If you don't want to read the article, this is a summary of the old wives' tales that just aren't true:

An amputee in the Octagon? I'm all for someone with disadvantages striving and competing, but there's a difference between wrestling and ultimate fighting. Namely, wrestling is always going to end on the ground. The match ends (and points are earned) by trying to pin the opponent. I mixed martial arts, the match can be all striking without ever dropping to the mat. Yes, once on the ground he could be strong and agile enough to win. But standing up, the best he could hope for is to fight a grappler, right?

Seriously, who's going to kick or punch the guy with no limbs? MMA fighters are badass a-holes, but they're not Satan! Satan would totally roundhouse kick Kyle Maynard.

This just in: Satan's name is Bryan Fry and he'll be "fighting" Maynard this Saturday. Unfortunately for Kyle, he doesn't know who he's dealing with. No, not the douche that's going to bring a smackdown. The MMA a-holes who labeled his photo above "noarmsdude.jpg." Now that's just cold.

I've made it no secret on here that I hate Apple and iAnything. It's fine that people like their Apple merchandise, but when it affects those of us who decide to opt away from overpriced, proprietary, glitched-ridden products, it pisses me off. Basically this post is about how T-Mobile's Google/Android phone (the HTC Dream) is selling well, but not even close to iPhone sales. This is actually positive because Android is the open-source OS alternative to Windows.

Some Lord of the Ring fans made they're own movie prequel to the Hobbit. It's called "The Hunt for Gollum," which is a catchy title. I'd liken it to the fan fiction out there: uses the some of the same characters from the original movies/books, adds some new ones and then sends them on a new adventure that will end where the Hobbit begins.

First, let me say these fans did a good job, probably on a shoestring budget, of recreating Peter Jackson's world. If I had heard this movie was being done, I would've assumed it to be a trainwreck. However, this has actually made me want to watch the movie, even though it looks kind of boring. How to you stage awesome fight scenes with no money in the budget? You don't. This movie mostly likely has Aragorn (Man, he's real old; and he's never picked up new clothes over those hundreds of years?) taking long hikes and meeting new people along the way. Not particularly exciting, but like I said, I'm mildly interested (which means rabid LOTR fans will be ravenous to see this). Hopefully, some cool new characters will be "inspired" for more online films. Then again, this can go tragically wrong (as proven by the Star Wars prequels and the Clone Wars cartoons).

The most impressive part if the makers of the film didn't do it to make money, despite shooting on location and adding some good production. They did it cause they love LOTR. If that's the case, I only have one question for them: "Well then why don't you marry it?" An Orc, that is.

HERE is an interesting blurb about Twitter's increased popularity in recent months and it's potential as a playa in the social networking scene. However, I've already stated how I don't think that's going to happen. I mean, "@nobody twitter is done"

Monday, April 20, 2009

The title of this post (and the video below) kind of sums up why Twittering went from a hip new technology to the lame grocery listing of daily events that people do. When I first discovered Twitter, I thought, "I can probably now keep up with blog/facebook posting better. Maybe connect with some people on my Crackberry [with Twitterberry app] while out and about." Then , I paused with my revelation when I started reading about celebrities competing to get the most people following their Tweets. Ashton Kutcher won, which tarnished Twitter even further for me.

Now, the blogoshere is abuzz now that Oprah is Twittering. The problem is most bloggers are saying that Oprah will eventually put Twitter out of its misery due to the sheer cheesiness of her announcing show ideas with millions of her mindless fans (who only signed onto Twitter in order to receive her announcements). I have to say I agree with THIS. Not that Twitter usage will go down from Oprah, but that an innovative technology has become commonplace. That rather than investigate Twitter as a new toy, people will join Twitter in the hopes of communicating with a celebrity. That now, in addition to gossip magazines, paparazzi photos and TMZ videos, "news" in the US might consist of a report that Oprah Tweeted "@Gayle i quit" or that Ashton Tweeted "@iamdiddy told ya id win." Because when something mundane happens to any us, your first thought should be, "Let me Twiiter dat."

I'm kind of late on this posting because the Yankees have been in their new stadium for a week, but I thought this was interesting. White Sux fans can call Wrigley Field a dump all they want, but clearly bigger and newer isn't necessarily better. Case in point: don't you want to travel and spend the day at The Cell?

First off, this photo alone made me want to post again about how much I dislike the Wii. (Why would someone want to do something in a game and not in real life? makes no sense.) How hilarious would it be to watch someone in your bar bowling like this? It'd be like watching a voguing pantomime! I might have to look to see if any bars near me have Wii just for the entertainment. "Wii watching" might be a new past-time I just invented!

In sad news, it turns out people are getting hurt doing "sports" on the Wii. Now, I've read it all: Wii users getting sports injuries? They're not athletes! I mean, we're talking about basically "carpal tunnel" of the knees, hips and elbows, right? I'm going to laugh my ass off if someone I know tells me they have a Wii injury. The only injury I can understand is the injury to your wallet when you bought a game system to avoid doing legitimate physical labor.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

CNN must be in love with Anderson Cooper (have you ever wondered if his real name is Cooper Anderson? Makes more sense, right?) because no one else could get away with the double entendres he does or as often as he says them. Don't get me wrong, they're funny and do make him likeable, I'm just surprised CNN still let's him slip them in.

The latest: Anderson let's his freak flag fly with the stuffy guy who's always on the Sunday morning political shows (David Gergen, the guy on the right). Stay tuned this Sunday to see if he brings up teabagging with McLaughlin or Cokie Roberts. You know Cokie's big mouth talks fine while teabagging! At first, the bald guy on the left flashes a smile like he's a teabagging mofo [0:20 second mark], but in the end he has a look like, "That's right. It's hard for some bitches." [0:49 second mark] Funny.

So is their a legit political term called "teabagging." That's what I don't get. Why did Anderson bring it up? Oh well, it's still funny.

Where's Sam Jackson when you need him?! How many times have you said (or heard someone say) while watching a movie, "Oh that would never happen in real life." Well, here is more evidence that movies are the inspiration for real life. In a situation of life imitating art, a story just broke about venomous snakes being released on a plan flight. Yep, Snakes on a Plane has actually happened. Granted, it was only 4 baby snakes (are they still venomous?), but it still happened, despite EVERYONE saying the movie would never happen in real life.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The White Sux should ask for him back. They need someone to shutdown these pitiful offenses that have killed them this season so far! It is ironic that the Yankees have the largest payroll and one of the best pitching outings was their first baseman.

Seriously, you know we have a long way to go before flying cars are legit when they look dorkier than the Jetsons' flying car. A company called Terrfugia has a street legal prototype in testing. Somehow, I don't see testing going well with consumers. Is a mini airplane in your driveway our best option? I'd rather get air jumping a Segway off a ramp. Hmmm, I bet there's Youtube vids of that. I'll have to look. Those might be funny.

I posted previously that I'd miss the ole gal if Obama won. You know there's a truckload of skeleton's in Sarah Palin's closet just waiting to burst open. Sadly, I think her daughter being a dumb, slutty teen with a broke, redneck babydaddy isn't even the "meatier" of the skeletons. I saw THIS headline this week announcing that Todd Palin (You know, that guy who stands next to Sarah Palin a lot while smiling. The mute guy who races snowmobiles. Yeah, him.) has a half-sister who's a thief/burgler. She might be going to jail. I'm sure sexy Sarah will pull strings to make sure that doesn't happen (hey, her ex-brother-in-law is a State Trooper, or so I hear...), but kind of funny to know some even worse hillbillies would've been in the White House than Bush. Too bad Obama won. Oh well, at least America's reputation will be fixed, the economy will be fixed and some world peace might actually happen.

In other related news, Sarah Palin is running Alaska into the ground (didn't she say last year that Alaska had a surplus and doesn't need handouts?) since she pissed off so many of her constituents and coworkers. Oh, and she's busy arguing with Bristol's babydaddy, Levi. Give'em hell!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Clearly, it took Josh and Anna Duggar almost 3 months to conceive, which for a Duggar is shameful and means they have fertility problems. The Duggar clan is adding another soft-spoken, creepily-agreeable polite, squeaky clean & responsible child to the U.S. This time it's not going to have a "J" name: it's a Duggar grandbaby and therefore the rules don't apply. Grandkids are "M" babies. WTF?! I shouldn't criticize the Duggars, especially since they seem to have direct line to a Fertility God and will pray to make me sterile to get revenge for dogging on them. Wait, they might pray to make me more potent and curse me with a brood of kids too. Dang they're evil!

Anydontcursemewithtoomanymouthstofeed, The Duggars seem perfect and keep procreating...blah,blah,blah...isn't it weird hearing a 20 y.o. girl stressing about a pregnancy test NOT being positive? Her and Josh, as shown on their tv show, were only allowed to hold hands while dating and couldn't even kiss (or do any other form of physical expression) until they were married. Ok, that I get. But, Josh and and Anna finally got permission by God (after being wed) to do the hanky panky and they're excited to be pregnant? Idiots! You finally get to do the horizontal mambo and you kill the good times after only 3 months (let be real, being preggo kills most sex lives). That's what I find kind of interesting about the Duggar parental grandparental units: Jim-Bob and Michelle have probably only had sex 18 times. OK, I'll be generous and give them the benefit of the doubt they felt frisky at least once a pregnancy. Rare, but possible. So, that's 36 times for their entire lives! And you know those two plates of blandness only do intercourse; there's for sure no other options on the freak menu for them.

The below video is of the clan announcing yet another little life will be born to take care of it's siblings some day while their parents...wait, what do the parents do if they're not raising kids or doing sexy times? Horse races and river boat gambling?

Thursday, April 9, 2009

My posting about "The Hangover" movie coming out in June made me think about the genius known as "Bachelor Party." I found this funny music montage (the song sucks) that reminds me of underrated hilarity: hookers, a horse dying from cocaine, and the guy from American Ninja. How was it robbed of an Oscar nomination in 1985?

I also found the original Siskel and Ebert review of the movie from 1984. You know Ebert is a freak. He so badly wants to say, "No, I didn't laugh during the movie, but I like tits so I'm giving it a thumbs up." I like Siskel saying Tom Hanks is "the guy from Splash who was in love with the mermaid."

The tv show Lost actually had an episode last night that, believe it or not, actually answered some questions and made some reveals about how the island works. Probably the biggest was the tie in of the smoke monster, as referenced in Egyptian hieroglyphics, to Anubis (the Egyptian god of the afterlife) and proving that the smoke monster "judges" those on the island and DOES take corporal form of people who have died on the island.

So, the show does kind of touch on theories that have been kicked around for years: purgatory, time travel, giant vivarium,...could aliens be that far behind? Check out the screen-capture below: is that a UFO in the upper left part? Please tell me this show doesn't with a Stargate/Fifth Element ripoff theory?!!!!The theory of Dharma coming to the island to use it as a vivarium is particularly interesting, especially when coupled with the ideas of flawed heroes who have to save the world from destruction (remember pressing the button every 108 seconds supposedly staved off destruction and cued hieroglyphics in the resetting of a clock?), which is an allusion to the Watchmen graphic novel. This in turn makes one think of Ozymandias from that book, and his misguided intentions to save humanity through whatever means necessary. (Kind of sounds like Ben and Widmore on Lost doing the same for the island.) And coming back full circle (since we know Lost LOVES to reference literary works), we come to sonnets written by Percy Shelley and Horace Smith, each titled "Ozymandias." IMO, these can be alluded to the general themes of Lost:

I met a traveller from an antique landWho said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stoneStand in the desert. Near them on the sand,Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frownAnd wrinkled lip and sneer of cold commandTell that its sculptor well those passions readWhich yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,The hand that mock'd them and the heart that fed.And on the pedestal these words appear:"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"Nothing beside remains: round the decayOf that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,The lone and level sands stretch far away.—Percy Shelley

And the Smith sonnet:

In Egypt's sandy silence, all alone, Stands a gigantic Leg, which far off throws The only shadow that the Desert knows: "I am great OZYMANDIAS," saith the stone, "The King of Kings; this mighty City shows "The wonders of my hand." The City's gone, Nought but the Leg remaining to disclose The site of this forgotten Babylon. We wonder, and some Hunter may express Wonder like ours, when thro' the wilderness Where London stood, holding the Wolf in chace, He meets some fragments huge, and stops to guess What powerful but unrecorded race Once dwelt in that annihilated place.—Horace Smith

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Uncle Hank is the man I probably already am when I'm tanked but can't remember what I say or do aspire to be. He's my new hero.

Some gems for my next party:1. "Who wants to play burn, rash or birthmark?"2. "If I had a nickel for every boner you'd given me, I'd have $400 dollars. Whoops. And five cents."3. "Only if I climb on my roof. And steal it from my cousin."4. "What's the grossest thing you've ever done for money?"5. "Oh, sorry about the hottub."

How can you go wrong with the creators of Old School and Road Trip? Isn't this "Old School: Young Fathers Edition" anyway? Any guy who has had to negotiate with his wife to go to a bachelor party knows that this movie could potentially be a documentary! (I unfortunately lost my negotiation to go to my buddy's BP in Vegas. Sorry Ted. Tear.)

I agree it's good to see a comedy not involving Adam Sandler/Will Farrell/Seth Rogen in any form. (even though Frank the Tank is a legend)

I gotta admit I dig Zooey Deschanel too. Even though the Hitchhiker's movie sucked, she was perfect casting for Trillian.Here's some movies I might have watched if she'd been in them. BTW, the Manic Pixie Dream Girl is "that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures."

Monday, April 6, 2009

Obviously, Big Z hasn't heard the phrase "don't sh*t where you eat." He's one of the most popular pitchers today because of Cubs fans (there are plenty of aces in the game who don't get the cheers and jersey sales he gets...) and yet wants Wrigley gone. In favor of another generic, albeit top notch, professional stadium? He needs to visit the Cell more often.

“You come into a ballpark like this and you see great things...You wish that Chicago’d build a new stadium for the Cubs,” he said.

Cubs manager Lou Piniella couldn’t agree less with his opening-day starter. The former Yankees outfielder and manager was enchanted by the new [Yankees] ballpark in the Bronx, but can’t wait to return to Chicago for the first home game on April 13.

“I don’t see why,” Piniella said when asked if the Cubs need a new stadium. “Wrigley’s got its own uniqueness. There’s no question the facilities need to be redone but that’s going to happen. My favorite time of year is when the ivy turns green. It’s really a great environment to play a ballgame,” he said.

Sweet Lou knows how to play the game. And by "play the game" I mean making Cubs fans happy by telling us exactly what we want to hear. He's right about Wrigley needing some updating...the old gal is falling apart and our team deserves better (the below photo is their dugout pisser). I get they're athletes and not glamour boys, but this is pretty rough looking. I don't want to know what the buckets are for...And while we're on the subject, any Wrigley renovation can't removethe mens rooms' troughs. If you're a sports fan, you're aware of how bad timeout/halftime/quarter-end bathroom breaks are with urinals. Lines barely move and dudes end up pissing in the sinks. I'm just saying it happens. Don't judge. Guys, if you've been to Wrigley, you've been amazed at how fast troughs make it to get in and get out. They can get rid of the handwashing station though. Seriously, it does kind of look like another urinal and accidents happen. Hey, I said don't judge.Ladies, you're just screwed at sporting events...your lines are always long. You should probably invest in the "Go Girl."

Friday, April 3, 2009

To quote Borat, "It's nice!" This is even more offensive than I thought it would be. Awesome. There is going to be some huge backlash over this, if it can even get an R rating past the MPAA. Considering how conservative they are about anything gay, even if it's for humor now that Borat got by them, that may be tough.

That's kind of my state of mind right now. Basically in a flash, the Bears traded Orton and two consecutive #1 draft picks for Jay Cutler. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Yes, Chicago is way overdue for a dynasty (OK, I'll settle for franchise...) quarterback, but Da Bears have a knack for putting all their eggs footballs in golden-boy, students of the game washed-up in one season QB's. Grossman, Stewart, McNown. Da Bears also have a knack for dealing so-so QB's to teams that later get good results. Hutchinson, Harbaugh. Even if I ignore Cutler's past antics of being a crybaby and saying he's better than Elway, Chicago gave up a lot to get him here. I hope (REALLY HOPE) he's worth the gamble.

This clip sums up my thoughts right now exactly. Let's hope Stan's dad is right (0:45 second mark)!