Thursday, September 12, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Google security executive says new technology means that passwords are dead. Which really put some people into a panic, especially the ones who use the password “are dead”.

Baltimore is considering a 9:00 PM curfew for kids under 14. Although kids younger than that will be excused if they are out looking for their children.

A Bay Area McDonald’s manager is being accused of robbing his own store. Apparently he did it while all his employees were out striking for a higher minimum wage so he could make as much money as them.

A Bay Area McDonald’s manager is being accused of robbing his own store. Police have put out an all points bulletin for his accomplice who has been identified as the Hamburglar.

A report says that one third of all the food produced worldwide is wasted. Which might be a good thing. Just imagine how fat we would be if we ate another third on what we are already wolfing down.

Anthony Weiner spent a reported $148 per vote in his losing bid for Mayor of New York City. Although his campaign staff talked him out of his original money saving idea of just sending everyone in the city a text.

A New York judge has ruled that strippers should be paid minimum wage. Apparently he felt bad for the women who work in the business who are following their dream of someday being just like Miley Cyrus.

China is seeing a surge of billionaires, and is now second in the world after the U.S. Which makes sense now that they have all the businesses and jobs that used to be here.

Facebook shares finished at their highest this week since their first day of trading. Apparently Mark Zuckerberg is relieved to finally have investors asking if they can trade in their shares for stock in Pets.com.

A state board ruled that 13 Arkansas school districts can arm their teachers and staff. Otherwise known in Arkansas as “business casual”.

The Japanese government has started a program to boost the number of women in the tech sector. Mostly by not having them be anywhere near the men who work in the tech sector.

Mercedes Benz is offering a luxury S Class hybrid car. Don’t the terms “hybrid” and “luxury” pretty much cancel each other out when it comes to cars?

A study says the gap between the rich and poor has widened since the recession. Mostly because anymore if you aren’t rich you are pretty much poor.

A study says the gap between the rich and poor has widened since the recession. And that’s the recession of 1834.

Victoria’s Secret workers in New York have won a fight for better pay. Although employees are not sure it is exactly what they wanted to wear lingerie around the store and have men stuff them with singles.

McDonald’s is testing an app that would let people pay with their mobile phones. Apparently customers were complaining that needing cash to pay for fast food made their wallets too big to fit in their already overstuffed back pockets.

McDonald’s is testing an app that would let people pay with their mobile phones. The McDonald’s app could be located right next to the phone app they can use to call 911 to take them to the ER to clean out their clogged arteries.

A delay on the spending bill vote by House Republicans could risk a government shutdown. Of course, shutting down Congress is the only way anyone is going to get control of government spending in the first place.

American Airlines and U.S. Airways say that the government opposition to their proposed merger shows the feds don’t understand the airline industry. And who knows the airline industry better than two airlines that both went bankrupt?

American Airlines and U.S. Airways say that the government opposition to their proposed merger shows the feds don’t understand the airline industry. Because no one knows the airline industry better than the airlines. Just ask all three of their satisfied customers.

American Airlines and U.S. Airways say that the government opposition to their proposed merger shows the feds don’t understand the airline industry. The deal would be like merging Congress and the White House. No service, poor customer ratings and they would know they can always depend on the taxpayers to bail them out.

Botox has been approved for use on crows feet as well as frown lines. Which means you can tell who is using it because not only can they not stop smiling, but now they also won’t be able to blink.

A bill approved in California would outlaw “revenge porn”. Or as Anthony Weiner calls it, a political comeback.

California Governor Jerry Brown says he supports a minimum wage hike of $2 an hour. Which would still leave it a bit short of the actual wage needed to own a car and have a place to live in California which is now $47 an hour.

Microsoft is offering rewards to people who can come up with ways to thwart hackers. Although the best way would be to offer products that work and don’t make the hackers want revenge against the company in the first place.

Microsoft is offering rewards to people who can come up with ways to thwart hackers. It’s too bad there aren’t people who already work for Microsoft who know anything about computers who could solve those problems by themselves.

Long lasting, painful erections sent 10,000 men to the ER last year. They also send 10 Million men to massage parlors.

Researchers say that Americans are living longer and exercising more but are still behind other rich nations. People were shocked at the news. America is still considered a rich country?

A study says that students with a higher level of physical fitness also do better at mental tests. At least that’s what they are telling us in other countries.

A study says that students with a higher level of physical fitness also do better at mental tests. Unless you count the highest score in “Grand Theft Auto” as a mental test.

A study says that men need estrogen for their sex drive and weight control. Meaning if there are any women around men will lose weight thinking it will improve their chances of having sex.

A study says that obesity may increase the odds of getting migraine headaches. Especially when you are constantly annoyed by people yelling “Wide Load!” whenever you walk by.

A study says that obesity may increase the odds of getting migraine headaches. Mostly from never giving your jaws a rest from eating constantly.

Matt Lauer says he is disappointed at the “laziness of the news media” in the handling of Ann Curry’s ouster from “Today”. In fact, they are almost as lazy as Lauer for waiting 14 months to complain about it.

Matt Lauer says he is disappointed at the “laziness of the news media” in the handling of Ann Curry’s ouster from “Today”. It’s too bad Lauer doesn’t work for some sort of organization that was able to disseminate information to the public that could have cleared up any doubts about what happened.

Matt Lauer says he is disappointed at the “laziness of the news media” in the handling of Ann Curry’s ouster from “Today”. Mainly because while she was losing her multi-million dollar a year anchor position there were thousands of other people getting kicked out on the street from their minimum wage jobs.

Matt Lauer says he is disappointed at the “laziness of the news media” in the handling of Ann Curry’s ouster from “Today”. In fact, they were even lazier with that non-story than they are with the daily news they don’t bother to cover.

Miss Kansas Theresa Vail is a tattooed, deer hunting Army sergeant. Which means she would be a lock for Miss America if Ted Nugent was one of the judges.

Lionel Richie is offering Billy Ray Cyrus some parenting advice. Although, Cyrus should weight it carefully. Richie is the one whose daughter Nicole ended up becoming best friends with Paris Hilton.

Lionel Richie is offering Billy Ray Cyrus some parenting advice. Cyrus could use some help. It took him all through the 90s before he finally got rid of the mullet.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that changing the name of the Washington Redskins is the decision of team owner Dan Snyder. Goodell says everyone needs to treat the issue with more sensitivity, and that he will send Snyder some smoke signals to keep him off the warpath.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that changing the name of the Washington Redskins is the decision of team owner Dan Snyder. Goodell says that if any team needs to change its name in order to try and restore its reputation it’s the Bengals.

A company has invented a bicycle powered phone charger. If nothing else, it will keep people from crashing their bike from texting while riding.

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer says that her company is the “world’s largest startup.” The only problem is following her proposal of getting all 11,000 company employees to be able to work out of her garage.

A poll puts Americans’ approval of Congress up to 19% in September. Mostly because Congress didn’t mess up anything in August since they took the entire month off.

A study says that 100,000 years ago a lush, green Sahara lured early humans out of Africa. When Al Gore found out what happened to the Sahara Desert he said this whole global warming thing is a lot worse than he thought.

Experts say that more women college graduates are taking jobs as professional nannies. Apparently their career goal is to become successful by causing a divorce and marrying the kids’ dad.

Experts say that more women college graduates are taking jobs as professional nannies. Which will excite their parents to know they just spent $100,000 in college tuition for a degree in babysitting.

The Vatican’s second in command says that celibacy for priests is a topic that is open for discussion. Mostly between the priests and their altar boys.

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer says that Yahoo has 800 Million users each month. Mostly people who are just logging in to see if Yahoo is actually still in business.

A woman in Las Vegas has given birth to quintuplets. Or as they say in the casinos, she rolled a five.

A report says that world airlines collected $27 Billion in fees last year. Mostly from people paying money to change their tickets from United to any other available airline.

A report says that world airlines collected $27 Billion in fees last year. If they really wanted to make some money they would charge passengers a fee to get the kid sitting behind them to quit kicking their seat.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The tennis season is pretty much done and golf is coming to a close on their year. Which means all we have left is the World Series and then it’s winter. Ugh. Then the countdown starts to spring training and the Masters. Until then, it’s just more jokes as usual. You can make the cold months go by faster by always remembering to send the love!