3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda downhere. It's called Coke. Nobody gives aflying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke.Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literatethan you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are alsobetter educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't referto us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick yourass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smithof Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MTV,Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have smalllapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, BillClinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think weare dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone moveto our state in order to run for the Senate. Ifsomeone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, soshut the hell up. Just spend your money and get thehell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

7) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel.Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee.Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy.And do NOT EVER put sugar on your grits, or we'llkick your ass.

8) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite ariot, and you will get your ass kicked.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are athome because we know better. Many of us have visitedNorthern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC,and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't likeit here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass onhome before it gets kicked.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talkthis way because we don't want to sound like you. Wedon't care if you don't understand what we are saying.All other Southerners understand what we are saying,and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave usalone, or we'll kick your ass.

11) Don't complain that the South is dirty andpolluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caughtfire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty,we'll kick your ass all the way back to BA-STON HAA-BAH.

13) So you think we're quaint, or losers, becausemost of us live in the countryside? That's becausewe have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly,crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore orBoston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick yourass.

14) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come downhere and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will getyour ass shot (right after it is kicked). You'relucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize ourbarbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minusyour ass.