Believe me when I say I know your fear of drawing the straw. I don't know why I fear drawing the straw so much but I do. Mostly because when I am given the option of drawing the straw I am about 7 for 10 in drawing the short straw. It is the only thing I seem to be lucky at. So let me set the scene for you as I take you downtown to Chinatown and the karaoke bar Tango. I was excited as I knew this would be a rebound hash from the prior week's lull from 550 (still the greatest hash night...EVER!). And I got there just in time to have Gay Matthews Lamb setup in front of me with straws in hand. I knew from the bottom of my liver that I was going to draw that short straw even before I reached into the 20 or so held in his evil sweaty fist. But lucky me! I didn't draw the short straw...I drew the chewed up in an effort to distinguish from the rest straw. So my immediate instinct was to go into whining mode:1) I have hare like eight times already this year.2) I am already haring the Philly Full Moon next week.3) I am shelling out a bunch of money on organizing this jumping out a plane fiasco.4) I am on-secting tonight.5) I'll suck your dick!All of these things fell on the deaf ears of:Gay Matthews Lamb, Two In The Sink None In The Pink, Scrummy Seconds, Just Brittney (Virgin), Gag Reflex, Flounder, Cause For Blindness, Menage a None, Vaginacologist, PaBlow PicAssHo, Just Randi, Just Beth, Itemized Seduction, Just Martin, He's A Lesbian, Donald Dick, Chasez Boyz, Cock Master And Commander (Auto), Just John, Manual Fiesta, Red Hot Chilly Pussy (Auto), Just Janelle, Jug Stain, Penetration Is Elementary, Bukkakke In The Kitchen, Just Catherine (Auto), Can You Hear Me Now, Chorizo Curtains (Auto), Tits Of Steel (Auto), Hole Patrol, Pretty Pretty Pittsburgh, Just Alpert (Virgin), Rape Van Winkle, Slipper Fingers (Chicago H3) (Auto), Fire In The Hole (Chicago H3) (Auto), Just Jen (Virgin) (Auto), Side Show Bob Job (Auto), Spare My Finger, Assault And Batteries (VooDoo H3), Just Amanda (Kansas City H3), Splashback (Auto), One Inch In, and Shop & Fuck.So now I was just angry. Why me. Woe is me. Fuck it, I am grabbing a hare virgin and making them cum with me on this trail and I will make them suffer as well as the rest of the pack. So as I wondered the room pleading for somebody to come with I finally came upon Just Beth who was wide eyed and naive enough to think haring a trail for the first time with me would be fun. SUCKER! So I snatched the flour from the evil grinning Gay Matthews Lamb and with Just Beth in tow set upon leaving chalk talk marks. After explaining to Just Beth what marks to leave for chalk talk we were soon ON-OUT for:TRAIL:For the record, true trail always points true. So I pointed my true trail mark into the Greyhound parking lot across the street where we laid down an X in the middle and then set a F towards the southwest corner and then circle jerked the trail around the block to the other side of the F. Why do that so early? Cause FUCK THOSE GUYS! And why lay white powder near a bus terminal that could bring out authorities? Cause FUCK THOSE GUYS! And my willing accomplice Just Beth was grinning from ear to ear with the prospect of what was in store. So we went further west down Filbert past Reading Terminal and the Convention Center and then X it south down to Market and then X it further west through City Hall. We threw powder everywhere in hopes of getting somebody arrested so they could pay for making me be hare. We went even so far as to drop a song check in the middle of City Hall so they would have to stand around in there. It was karaoke night, they should expect several song checks on trail. So we exited City Hall on the west side so that I could see the new park there because everyone has to do what I want them to do when I am the hare. You have to love that kind of power. I think Just Beth and I then decided to leave a X around there somewhere and push further west to 16th where we dropped another X cause FUCK THOSE GUYS we are going to leave X everywhere! We then sent trail down the stairs into the underground and ran those fuckers around in there for a little bit. In my maniacal haste I lost a sense of direction and couldn't find the place I really wanted us to go so we had back track and send trail another direction until we eventually came up to the surface around 17th and JFK maybe? Who cares. With as much powder as I left down there, there was no way they were coming to the surface without handcuffs on. I can't describe just how giddy Just Beth was at this point. She started making suggestions of leading trails off of cliffs and through the middle of JFK to see if we could get somebody hit by a car...I like the way she thought. At this point I am pretty sure we dropped down another song X in front of the Comcast Super TV cause FUCK THOSE GUYS! At this point I am not sure what we did next. I know that I had Just Beth running off down streets like crazy setting F trails all over and I am certain some of those were in front of some government buildings that if they had seen the likes of me dropping powder they would have shut the city down, but not so with the cute little white girl from Nebraska. Little did I know that when I sent this little 5'2 90lbs girl off alone down those streets there were a couple of punks on bikes playing the knock-out game with unsuspecting people on the street. I felt bad about that after...but that's what happens when YOU MAKE ME DRAW STRAWS! Eventually we boogied down to Bonner's where I knew I could get cheap pitchers because FUCK THOSE GUYS! And to top it all off, Just Beth insisted on picking up the tab because she had so much fun FUCKING WITH THOSE GUYS! And the pleasure that beamed from her smile when Hole Patrol came bounding through the door yelling, "Are you trying to get us all arrested?" was well worth the price of having drawn the nasty chewed on straw.And so we ordered too many pitchers and we hung around Bonner's for a while. We flirted with the really pretty girls at the bar as apparently Bonner's is now the cool young crowd bar of choice in that area during the week. So we explained what we do and more and more of the guys descended to introduce themselves before Donald Dick leaned over and said, "Hey, can you make trail go past the Apple Store line on Walnut?" which Just Beth and I happily obliged and even dropped down a song X in across the street so that Donald Dick could bask in delight of the people that had to wait in line for their iPhone 6 while his was in the mail. But we strolled through Rittenhouse square first because it was a perfect night to be an asshole and cause a ruckus through the upscale park before heading ON-IN for:CIRCLE:HARES: Just Beth and Shop & Fuck (the most glorious trail as always) SONG: And The Hairs...

VIRGINS: Just Brittney (Scrummy Seconds made her cum), Just Alper (Rape Van Winkle made him cum), Just Jen (Fire In The Hole made her cum all the way from Chicago). SONG: Backs Against The Wall...FIRST IN/LAST IN: Vaginacologist/ Cause For Blindness and Itemized Seduction. SONG: You're Not Number 5...AUTO HASHERS: Cock Master And Commander, Red Hot Chilly Pussy, Just Catherine, Chorizo Curtains, Tits Of Steel, Slipper Fingers, Fire In The Hole, Just Jen, Side Show Bob Job, Splashback. SONG: Love Me Tender...VISITORS: Slipper Fingers and Fire In The Hole from Chicago H3 sang us El Camino. Assault and Batteries from VooDoo and Just Amanda from Kanas City showed us a joke.CUMS LATELY: Rape Van Winkle, He's A Lesbian, Scrummy Seconds, Itemized Seduction, One Inch In, Side Show Bob Job. SONG: Where Were You Last Week...ACCUSATIONS:1) Manual Fiesta accused Hole Patrol of being an attention whore with his racist behavior with yet another triathlon/marathon/iron man/what the fuck ever. SONG: There Are No Real Hashers In A Marathon...2) Manual Fiesta accused Hole Patrol using circle to glorify his racist behavior by announcing what position he was in...most likely doggy. Gay Matthews Lamb accused Two In The Sink None In The Pink of premature accusation. Chorizo Curtains accused Menage a None of rolling through Chester as if he was too good to be seen with hashers as he sat in a different section and did not do shots with them at the Union game. Vaginacologist accused Chasez Boyz of lactating? Pretty Pretty Pittsburgh accused the hares Just Beth and Shop & Fuck of laying a true trail and then backing it off into a false (that must have been Just Beth cause I would never do a thing like that). He's A Lesbian accused CMen++ of missing her last BFM hash. SONG: When It's Incest Time In Texas...3) Cock Master And Commander accused Hole Patrol of wearing the gayest outfit ever. Shop & Fuck accused Assault and Batteries of being either six months too late or six months too early for the Green Dress Run. Hole Patrol accused Shop & Fuck of doing the math...I used my fingers for that one. Just Randi accused Gag Reflex of being afraid of female anatomy. Vaginacologist accused Chasez Boyz of making a move on girls with his pedophile beard. Gag Reflex accused Jug Stain of pointing out pregnancies? Menage a None accused Just Catherine of auto hashing in running gear. He's A Lesbian accused Hole Patrol of not helping out the guy on the street that was a victim of the Knock-Out Game. Hole Patrol accused He's A Lesbian of being a snitch. One Inch In accused Pretty Pretty Pittsburgh of having a hulk penis that grows and turns green. SONG: He's Got A Dose Of Clap...4) Chorizo Curtains accused He's A Lesbian of doing selfies in circle. Gay Matthews Lamb accused the Chicago hashers of putting all their shit down just to get ready to sing El Camino (Slipper Fingers, Fire In The Hole). And when one visitor drinks so does Assault and Batteries and Just Amanda. Donald Dick accused Gag Reflex of food in circle. Rape Van Winkle accused Penetration Is Elementary of looking thirsty. And when one soulless ginger drinks, so does Chasez Boyz, Tits of Steel, and Donald Dick. Vaginacologist accused Hole Patrol of running away from a BEER during his racist behavior (who runs away from a BEER...OH...a BEAR). SONG: Boo Boo Likes It Up The Ass...5) He's A Lesbian accused Just Catherine of wearing a racist shirt and one does so does Pretty Pretty Pittsburgh and Just John. Chorizo Curtains accused Gag Reflex of being the token Asian in the Karaoke Bar. He's A Lesbian accused Chorizo Curtains of being an actual racist. SONG: Dina Won't You Blow Me...6) Gay Matthews Lamb accused Just John of drinking too slowly as we reserve the slow songs for Cause For Blindness. Vaginacologist accused Hole Patrol of Peanuts? Rape Van Winkle accused Gay Matthews Lamb of something really funning and clever but I couldn't hear it over the noise...and he was standing right next to me. Hole Patrol accused Rape Van Winkle of finally making it to Toastmasters. Manual Fiesta accused Two In The Sink None In The Pink of no hash. Shop & Fuck accused He's A Lesbian and Just Martin of covering their domes and keeping from the hash an amazing source of reflected bar lights. Gay Matthews Lamb accused Shop & Fuck of using all the excuses possible for not being the hare. And when one super awesome hare drinks, so does Just Beth. SONG: Hello There My Furry Friend...7) Manual Fiesta accused Slipper Fingers of enjoying that last song way too much. He's A Lesbian accused Just Randi of being much bigger on the inside. Chorizo Curtains accused One Inch In of complaining about circle being too long and wanting to get his Karaoke on. Jug Stain accused Assault and Batteries of thinking pasties were not acceptable hash attire. Gay Matthews Lamb accused Shop & Fuck of not bringing out Haazmat on trail despite all his efforts. Just Beth accused Gay Matthews Lamb of not taking her money. Just Randi accused Donald Dick of needing to be in the presence of the Apple Store as much as possible. SONG: My Name Is Jack...ANNOUNCEMENTS:There were birthdays. Amongst those getting their side-side were Just Janelle, Two In The Sink None In The Pink, and Itemized Seduction. There was a lot of BEER to be splashed around for this group. Happy Birthday FUCK YOU!October 24th the Philly Full Moon will be doing a Rock Horror Picture Show Hash. It will be somewhere in Old City. It will gather at 7:30pm and on-out by 8pm. After trail we will be taking ourselves over to the Bourse Movie Theater and watching a live screening of the movie. Pre-show antics start at 11:30pm and movie starts at midnight. This is the most popular viewing of the year so if you want to go with us buy your tickets soon. $10 box office, $11 online.And so the Karaoke began. Here is who sang what to what video background:Gay Matthews Lamb sang House of the Rising Sun to a bunch of guys in an orchestra pit in white powdered wigs.One Inch In sang A Whole Lot of Love to a Tawny Katane impersonator writhing on a car.Chasez Boyz sang White Wedding to a vampire porn.Chasez Boyz did a two for and sang I Love Rock And Roll (I didn't see the video that played).Gay Matthews Lamb sang Heart Of Gold to a bunch of old houses on a farm.Pretty Pretty Pittsburgh did a duet with One Inch In to Piano Man as trees and blues skys wondered past.Chasez Boyz sang I Want You To Want Me to a creepy stalker video.Pretty Pretty Pittsburgh and One Inch In sang another duet to Intergalactic with a piss poor recreation of the original video.Cock Master And Commander sang Fortunate Son to a very sad Vietnam War video.Just Catherine and Just Alper sang a song.Side Show Bob Job and One Inch In sang a duet to Time After Time while some women in birkahs danced around.And then Cause For Blindness flashed Just Martin.

I set my notebook down somewhere between Free Beer for all the Hashers and the S & M Man. That’s right, “Jesus can’t go hashing . . . ‘til he cries his puppy tears.” Before “a man came in for some floor covering – some floor covering from the store! – some floor covering he wanted my carpet he got! Oh, I don’t work there anymore.”

There was a bye-bye side-side. There were Birthday side-sides.

There were accusations. Lots of accusations. Ménage à None had to drink. A lot. So did Hole Patrol. Racist behavior. When one Hole drinks, so Gopher Hole. Cause for Blindness drank for caring if her part was straight when she had already didn’t care if she took her shirt off at the Beer Near. (West Tavern, formerly known as Westies. No more karaoke, but still a great bar for Beer Checks.)

There were autohashers: Cockmaster and Commander (still claiming injury), Tits of Steel (don’t you hate it when real life interferes with hashing?) Um, more, I’m sure. And, an Auto Erotica, a visitor from Princeton (and Bimbos of Jersey and Summit) with her hubby Gopher Hole.

There were Cums Latelies: Grounghog Lay, Several of the too many Justs, Cryly (Rape Van Winkle) Cyrus.

There were virgins. Several virgins. Just Hot Chick, Just Hot Chick, Just Hot Dude. I promised to forget their names.

First and last in: Groundhog Lay (maybe or maybe Manual Fiesta?) and Cause for Being DFL almost all the time.

It had been a shitty (therefore I kinda liked it) trail consisting of marks and clusterfucks that made a kind of cloverleaf south and west and north and east and ending about 10 blocks from The Green Room, where we all met on that fine evening one week ago.