Shorts / Let's Have a TV Baby

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the episode where Walter White strangles a guy.

Script

Let's Have a TV Baby

By Patrick Cassels & Susanna Wolff

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
A young, married HUSBAND and WIFE sit in bed, reading. WIFE
is visibly anxious, fidgety. Something's on her mind.
WIFE
Oh, don't forget you need to call
the guy about the thing in the
bathroom.
HUSBAND
(still reading)
Right, right.
Wife takes a deep breath.
WIFE
Okay, look: I've been thinking.
And... I think it's time we...
start Breaking Bad.
Husband takes his own breath and puts his Kindle down.
HUSBAND
You know, I just don't know if the
timing's right. It's a really big
commitment.
WIFE
The timing's never going to be
right. When we met, you said you
wanted to watch a show together.
HUSBAND
Watching a show together is one
thing. Diving into a captivating
5-season drama? I don't know if
we're ready for that yet.
WIFE
(defiant)
When will we be ready? The clock is
ticking: it won't be on Netflix
forever.
HUSBAND
Okay! Let's just rush into it,
then. Like Chris and Marie did with
Dexter. Remember? They're miserable
now!
WIFE
That's different. They got drunk
and watched the pilot together.
Deborah just started season 2 of
Breaking Bad, and you should see
her face when she talks about this
scene where someone gets dissolved
in acid.
(sighs)
I want that.
HUSBAND
(rolls his eyes)
Honey, Deborah won't be happy until
everyone at your office is watching
Breaking Bad.
WIFE
Is that so terrible? There's a lot
of good TV out there. Deborah also
said we should get into The Wire
and Friday Night Lights.
HUSBAND
(flustered)
Wait, how many shows do you want to
watch together?
WIFE
Three. Look, I grew up in a house
with a lot of great TV. Also-
(takes a breath)
I went online today just to be
sure, and all the seasons are on
Instant.
HUSBAND
You checked Instant without me? I
thought this was OUR decision?
WIFE
It is, but it's MY account. I'M the
one at risk. There's no guarantee
it won't screw with my
Recommendations.
Husband just shakes his head and returns to his Kindle.
Beat. Wife, now a little concerned, lowers his Kindle.
WIFE
Are you worried you don't have
the...
(subtly evaluates his body)
...attention span to watch it?"
HUSBAND
(defensive)
What?! No, I can pay attention!
Don't worry about that!
WIFE
Then what?
HUSBAND
You haven't thought this through!!
There are so many factors you
haven't considered: What if I'm
stuck at work and you watch it
without me?
WIFE
I would never do that!
HUSBAND
What if - God forbid - our Internet
stops working?
WIFE
There are other options. We could
borrow someone's DVDs.
HUSBAND
Okay. I didn't want to say this,
but what if we split up? Would you
let me use your password?
She looks away. Husband leans forward, suspicious.
HUSBAND
No. I want to know. Would you?
WIFE
I don't know, okay! But we can't
think like that! What's REALLY
bothering you? Why don't you want
to start Breaking Bad.
Beat. Husband digs deep, takes a breath, and opens up.
HUSBAND
I'm worried I won't like it.
WIFE
What?
HUSBAND
I never told you this. But when I
was growing up, my parents started
watching The West Wing, and my dad
hated it. He left my mom to watch
all all the seasons by herself.
WIFE
Even the Jimmy Smitts/Alan Alda
one?
HUSBAND
(nods head, then:)
I don't want to do that to you.
WIFE
You won't. You're not your father.
You're going to get into Breaking
Bad and read the A.V. Club reviews
and live-Tweet the finale.
(good-natured chuckle)
I mean, you haven't even seen an
episode yet and you already do an
annoying Jesse impression.
HUSBAND
(reluctantly smiles)
I do... "bitch."
WIFE
Trust me. We're ready.
HUSBAND
Okay, let's do it!
He rolls over on top of Wife, grabs a LAPTOP on the
nightstand, and places it between them. As they start to
watch, a CHILD enters, half asleep.
CHILD 1
Mom?
Husband and Wife close the laptop, a little embarrassed.
WIFE
Go back to bed, sweetie. Mommy and
daddy are busy.
END.