Will I Ever Catch a Break?

It turns out that Hector's visit to mom's secret interrogation prison was the best thing that could have ever happened to him.

Rather than heed mom's warning, Brittany did just the opposite. Always the rebel, she asked Hector out on another date. Granted it was to take her and ZJ to a show at Radio City Music Hall — but a date is a date.

Mom is furious, Brittany is defiant, Hector is thrilled, and I'm left in the uncomfortable position of being asked to take sides.

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"Can you believe that girl?" Mom said to me the other day while Brit was out. "She's obviously just using him. I think it's cruel."

Later Brit called to say: "Don't get me wrong, I adore your mother. But she can't tell me who I can and can't date. Not even my own mother could do that."

I've told both women I don't want to get involved, but that just gets them angrier.

"How could you possibly support what Brittany is doing?" Mom says.

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"You don't think your mom was justified, do you?" says Brittany.

And the only thing Hector has said to me? "Thank you, Cheese. Thank you from the bottom of my heart."

Meanwhile, it's gone from bad to worse with India. Now I feel like her mother has flipped on me, too. And she was my one remaining ally. This must be what George Bush felt like during the Iraq War. It's like Great Britain just pulled out of Basra and I'm left trying to hold this whole dysfunctional thing together.

Doesn't anyone understand that if India and I break up the terrorists win?

We were in the kitchen doing dishes while India put the kids to sleep. Usually her mom is super chatty and wants to know everything about my life. She thinks I'm the funniest guy in the world. I told her a story about how this huge guy came into the karaoke bar the other night requesting to sing Sinatra's "My Way."

"But when he opened his mouth he sounded like Barbara Streisand. His voice was so high it was hysterical!"

She didn't crack a smile. Then without looking up from the dishes she said, "I never thought Streisand had a particularly high voice. Have you heard her records?"

"No. Then maybe Mariah Carey. But you get what I mean. It was high."

"Streisand is a true artist. You really shouldn't make fun of her."

"I wasn't making fun of her. I was making fun of the fat guy."

"Maybe he had something wrong with him. Poor thing."

Man. Talk about zero sense of humor. I tried to change the subject.

"The kids are growing so much. It's incredible. I don't see them for four days and they've completely changed."

"Well four days is a long time for a child."

What was that supposed to mean? Did she think I should be coming over more often? Was she implying I was hurting the children for not coming over more often? I didn't know her well enough to ask so I just shut my mouth.

I can't take it any longer. This week I'm gonna swallow my ego, put my cards on the table, and find out once and for all what the hell is happening.