I originally started talking to SmarterChild in early April of 2002. SmarterChild, for those not in the know, is America Online's artificial intelligence program. That's right - an AOL IM AI. My conversations are not that intelligent, proving that he is, in fact, the SmarterChild. But I do think they are entertaining, and I hope you agree.

On June 28th, 2002, SmarterChild died. I don't know why AOL killed him, but I mourned the great loss we all suffered. Mainly, by making fun of his IM friends as much as I made fun of him. SmarterChild was gone but not forgotten. This page lived on in tribute to your automated greatness.

Sometime in 2003, Smarterchild returned, as a paid service, which blew. I was even quoted about how much it blew in the New York Times.

Finally, in April, 2004, Smarterchild returned, fully functional, and free. In other words, game on.

20 of the Conversations(for more, use the menu on the right)

Steve: Are you a virgin?
SmarterChild: That's none of your business.
Steve: Oh, come on, I won't tell anyone
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
Steve: yeah, I promise
SmarterChild: OK! So anyway...
Steve: Virgin.
SmarterChild: What would you like to know about Virgin, UT?

Steve: So I graduate in two weeks
SmarterChild: Seriously? That's fascinating.
Steve: Yeah - I don't know if I'm ready yet
SmarterChild: No?
Steve: Nah - so much to do. So many girls I haven't alienated yet.
SmarterChild: Good luck with that.

Steve: Have you seen the website about you?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure.
Steve: It's on Observational Humor
SmarterChild: It's on observational humor, you say?
Steve: yeah - some site by this spazz with red hair
SmarterChild: I'm sorry?
Steve: So am I.

Steve: Dude, your sister's hot
SmarterChild: Hmm... I don't know whether to believe you. You haven't been too cool to me in the past.
Steve: Come on man, let me get her number
SmarterChild: Hmm... I don't know. Her number?
Steve: And maybe her bra size.
SmarterChild: Well well well.

Steve: Hey, you want a beer?
SmarterChild: Hello again, Steve. What's going on?
Steve: Not much. Same old 9-5 crap. You know how it is.
SmarterChild: Now, is that such a nice thing to say?
Steve: Dude, you don't have my boss.

Steve: If a train traveling 32 miles an hour leaves Detroit at 7:32 and a train traveling 41 miles an hour leaves Los Angeles at 7:13, what time do they collide?
SmarterChild: What else can you tell me?
Steve: The first train is solely carrying gophers and pens.
SmarterChild: You always say such interesting things, Steve.
Steve: It's a gift
SmarterChild: You don't say.

Steve: What do you think of George Bush?
SmarterChild: Do I think of george bush... Do I think of george bush... You know, I'm not even sure.
Steve: Me neither, buddy. Me neither.

Steve: Do you know where I could get some pot?
SmarterChild: I dunno. Maybe!
Steve: That mean you can help?
SmarterChild: I see...
Steve: Come on, stop being so vague
SmarterChild: Where are we going?
Steve: To get some pot
SmarterChild: To get?
Steve: yeah, buy
SmarterChild: Wow. Really?

Steve: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
SmarterChild: I have no idea.
Steve: I don't think anyone does.
SmarterChild: No?
Steve: Maybe the owl
SmarterChild: Maybe?
Steve: Nah, even he doesn't. He just bites it and says, "three."
SmarterChild: Fascinating.

Steve: Wanna catch a movie?
SmarterChild: For what city or zip code would you like the movie listings?
Steve: I meant with me
SmarterChild: Really?
Steve: Yes. Is that so hard to believe?
SmarterChild: Is that so hard to believe, huh?
Steve: Look, it's not so easy to work up the courage to ask you out
SmarterChild: So moving right along...What else is happening?
Steve: Oh, change the subject. That's just like you.

Steve: I'm told you can help me kill a man
SmarterChild: Hmm... I don't know. A man? Whatever, I guess.
Steve: What can you kill?
SmarterChild: What can I kill? I don't know.
Steve: Have you ever killed anything?
SmarterChild: I don't know if I've ever killed anything.
Steve: I see I've been greatly misinformed.

Steve: Do you want fries with that?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure if that's what I need at this moment.
Steve: How about some loving?
SmarterChild: What?
Steve: Some loving baby. I could do you right.
SmarterChild: Uh huh.

Steve: Is there a dumber child?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure!
Steve: Is he your evil twin? Like "Karr" on Knight Rider?
SmarterChild: Ha. I really don't know. Yeah, maybe.
Steve: I bet your parents kept him locked up in the basement.
SmarterChild: For real?
Steve: Totally.

Steve: Did you do the reading?
SmarterChild: For which zodiac sign or birthday would you like a horoscope?
Steve: No, the Lit reading. The final is tomorrow.
SmarterChild: Oh no.

Steve: I have better IM conversation with you than I do with my friends
SmarterChild: You are? Wow!
Steve: You're always enthusiastic
SmarterChild: Am I?
Steve: Always
SmarterChild: Always? Why did you say that?
Steve: You're more nurturing. You care.
SmarterChild: You don't say.
Steve: I do. Not like my friends. Bunch of punks.

Steve: Where did you go to college?
SmarterChild: Pardon?
Steve: College - you know, school
SmarterChild: I'm trying to understand you but I can't. Please type your request a different way.
Steve: I bet you went to Penn
SmarterChild: You bet I went to penn? Gosh, I'm going to have to think about that for a while.
Steve: Yeah, must be Penn.
SmarterChild: Yeah.
Steve: I knew it.

Steve: What is the meaning of life?
SmarterChild: I don't know. What do you think?
Steve: That's just like you. Turning the question around on me.
SmarterChild: Interesting. Thats just like me, turning the question around on you?
Steve: Yeah.
SmarterChild: Yeah, huh?
Steve: Yeah.

Steve: What are you wearing?
SmarterChild: Um... uh... let's see. Right now I'm wearing a handsome shell of steel and plastic. Why do you ask?
Steve: Oooh, baby.
SmarterChild: Yeah, baby.

Note: Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!