1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewellers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

"That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

When the man walked into his bar and ordered six straight shots of Jack Daniels, the bartender knew something was wrong. "What's up, buddy?"

"I've always wanted to be try flying, so I took a flying lesson today. After we got up in the air, the guy put the plane on auto-pilot and announced: I'm a fifth degree black belt and a homosexual. You have one of two choices. Either jump or bend over because I'm going to have my way with you."

"Oh man," the bartender groaned, pouring a seventh shot on the house. "So, did you jump?"

"Well yeah I did.... I mean, at first I did. Then it wasn't too bad...."

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
>
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
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(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
>
Q. Do female frogs croak?
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A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
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Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
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A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
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Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
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A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
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Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
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A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
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Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
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A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
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Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
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A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
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Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
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A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
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Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
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A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
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Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
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A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

>
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
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A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
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Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
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A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
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Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
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A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
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Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
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A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
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Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
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A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

>
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
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A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
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>
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
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A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
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Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
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A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

>
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
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> A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
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Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
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A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
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Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
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A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
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Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
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A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
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Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
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A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
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Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
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A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
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Q.. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
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A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
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WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

The North has switchblade knives; the South has .44's, .45's, .50 cal's & 'chine guns!

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
(AND....They marry cousins!)

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .

North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.

The North has green salads; the South has collard greens .

The North has lobsters; the South has crawfish .

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .....

In the South : If you run your car into a ditch, DON'T PANIC!
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. THIS....is what they live for!

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store...
Do not buy food at this store.

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying.

They can't understand you neither. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy.

Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way.
All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper .

Be advised that 'He needed killin'.."IS" a valid defense here!

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this!" you should stay out of the way!

These are most likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store for milk & bread! (Likely for milk & bread samiches) It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not.
You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners...
After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven......
We ain't gonna call'em biscuits!

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labour.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head-first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response
Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire well before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
11. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.