[Essay] Could any teacher correct the article that i've made as an exercise for my CAE exam?

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Could any teacher correct the article that i've made as an exercise for my CAE exam?

Rio de Janeiro, an amazing place to travel.

If your are a tourist and want to have a great time near the ocean. At night you want to meet interesting people in famous night clubs. In addition to that if you also love tourists spots, there is a city in Brazil in which you need to visit. I am referring to Rio de Janeiro.

Rio de Janeiro is a well known city for a lot of reasons. Firstly the city stays directly faced to the ocean. In result to that, Rio owns the reputation of having the best beaches through out the world. Secondly, women are considered very beautiful and kind on this amazing city.

Despite the fact that Rio de Janeiro has a lot of qualities that normally tourists like, the city does not have a huge number of tourists as it should have. There are indeed many reasons for that to happen. The biggest justification among all the problems is the number of slums. The city has the biggest amount of shantytowns in the world. As a result lots of tourists are afraid of coming to Rio.

Although the problems are big, the government is already sorting the situation out. In result to that tourism is increasing and creating more jobs for local people, in which helps the city growth.

As a consequence for the tourism growth the city might get some collateral effects. Two of this problems that might be a result of the increasingly number of tourists are the pollution and increase in robbery. Nevertheless the traffic would increase, making the city unsustainable.

Finally for those who have already visited Rio, is not hard to fall in love with the city. There are a lot of things to do, places to visit and people to meet. Beaches in this wonderful place are amazing and a good place to relax. In result to that the city is an amazing place to travel.

Rules:

Choose one of the following writing tasks. Your answer should follow exactly the instructions given.
Write approximately 250 words.TOURISM – IS IT GOOD OR BAD FOR YOUR REGION?
Do you think there should be more or less tourism in your region?
What benefits does the tourist industry bring to your region?
What would be the disadvantages of increased tourism?
Write and tell us your views.
We will publish the most interesting articles

Re: Could any teacher correct the article that i've made as an exercise for my CAE ex

Originally Posted by Erik Ingwersen Santos

Rio de Janeiro, an amazing place to travel visit.

If youryou are a tourist and want to have a great time near the ocean (this is not a complete sentence). At night you want to meet interesting people in famous night clubs (this is not a complete sentence). In addition,to that if you also love tourists spots, there is a city in Brazil in which you need to visit. I am referring to Rio de Janeiro.

Rio de Janeiro is a well-known city for a lot of reasons. Firstly, the city stays directly facesto the ocean. In result to thatAs a result, Rio ownshas the reputation of having the best beaches through outin the world. Secondly, the women are considered to be very beautiful and kind onin this amazing city.

Despite the fact that Rio de Janeiro has a lot of qualities that normally tourists usually like, the city does not have a huge number of as many tourists as it should.have. There are indeed many reasons for thatthis.to happen.The biggest justification among all the problemsThe main problem is the number of slums. The city has the biggest amountlargest number of shantytowns in the world. As a result, lots of tourists are afraid of coming to Rio.

Although the problems are big, the government is already sorting the situation out. In result to thatAs a result, tourism is increasing and creating more jobs for local people, in which helps the city to growth.

As a consequence forof the growth in tourism,growth the city might getsuffer some collateral effects. Two of thisthe problems that might be a result offrom the increasingly number of tourists are the pollution and an increase in robberies. NeverthelessAlso, the traffic would increase, making the city unsustainable.

Finally,for those who haveas anyone who has already visited Rio knows, it is not hard to fall in love with the city. There are a lot of things to do, places to visit and people to meet. Beaches in this wonderful place are amazing and are a good place to relax. In result to that Consequently, the city is an amazing place to travelvisit.

Rules:

Choose one of the following writing tasks. Your answer should follow exactly the instructions given.
Write approximately 250 words.TOURISM – IS IT GOOD OR BAD FOR YOUR REGION?
Do you think there should be more or less tourism in your region?
What benefits does the tourist industry bring to your region?
What would be the disadvantages of increased tourism?
Write and tell us your views.
We will publish the most interesting articles

Please see my suggested amendments to your piece in red above. Note that each time you used "In result of that", you should have used "As a result". I don't know if "In result of that" is a direct translation from your own language, but it is not natural English.

Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

Re: Could any teacher correct the article that i've made as an exercise for my CAE ex

Originally Posted by emsr2d2

Please see my suggested amendments to your piece in red above. Note that each time you used "In result of that", you should have used "As a result". I don't know if "In result of that" is a direct translation from your own language, but it is not natural English.

Thank you very much! Your correction made me realize, that I need to use more commas and pay more attention to structural mistakes.