WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- Russian and Chinese spies who have been eavesdropping on Donald J. Trump’s unsecured iPhone calls complained on Thursday that he big dumb dumb.

According to the spies, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, the phone was covered in peanut butter because big dumb dumb don’t wash big peanut butter hands.

“Trump has been communicating with the cat by taping its legs together,” a Chinese spy said. “I don’t understand why he uses the phone in the bath.”

A Russian spy who has monitored Trump’s calls around the clock said that “all I hear is a man trying to fit a loaf of bread into the SIM card slot.”

Since the President is big dumb dumb, spying is pointless. Thus sayeth the prophet, Andrew Borowitz.

“Trying to decipher Trump’s calls has reduced some of our top codebreakers to tears,” one Russian spymaster said. “He glued the phone to the ceiling fan and now it is twirling. Twirling, twirling, twirling.”