Welcome To Divorce Recovery

Here you will find blog posts on resources to help you recover from your divorce. I hope you find it helpful. This website has evolved from focusing on the doom and gloom of divorce (blech!) to now post divorce and recovery (yay!) because all of us eventually get to a point where we say "no more" to just surviving and oh holy yes to thriving! It's time. Let's get there. ​

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I had been wanting to read this book for quite some time and I was excited to finally check it off my must read list. For the most part in the past when it comes to abuse generally speaking most of us have naturally heard of physical abuse, even verbal abuse and now emotional abuse is becoming more discussed and awareness being brought to it. But even today... in our modern world financial abuse is rarely spoken of. What is truly financial abuse is often still casually spoken of as "he was controlling with the money" or "he was tight with the marital funds".... or maybe "she's high maintenance or a gold digger" and more. What typically doesn't happen is for people to just come out and say "he was abusive financially." We really don't do anyone any favors to dress up any form of abuse or downplay it as not as serious as it is. Because it's extremely serious and the fact of the matter is financial abuse is often very insidious and done covertly so it flies under the radar and not noticed by many. It may be something that is not even known about until after years, even decades of marriage and the investigation of the marital assets and accounts are taken into consideration during divorce proceedings. Even then some financial abuse may not come to light until after a divorce is finalized and one spouse realizes assets were hidden from them during the marriage and divorce. Some people are that good at leading double lives. In the book Exposing Financial Abuse When Money Is A Weapon by Shannon Thomas she explores all the horrifically blatant and underhanded ways that financial abuse is orchestrated by abusers.

You probably know someone who has been or is currently being financially abused by their spouse. It's not uncommon as Shannon points out in her book and often the higher the incomes the higher the stakes are at hiding what they earn and keeping the rest of the family in the dark and possibly in the poor house. Shannon does an excellent job of showing by examples and personal stories submitted to her for her book research that the myth of financial abuse occurring in only certain types of households is indeed just that; a myth. The truth is that financial abuse can and does happen to any and all socio-economic backgrounds and is not something to take lightly. Because the truth is this type of abuse is so often hidden behind closed doors whether in a million dollar home or a hundred and thirty thousand dollar home.. it does affect all income levels. I love how she implements real true stories by people to help bring her book to life with the reality of what they have faced. We cannot shrug off or dismiss all these folks true and often crushing life altering experiences at the hands of their sabotaging abuser. Instead we must read these stories as cautionary tales and I would highly recommend anyone considering getting married to read this book so they can enter marriage with eyes wide open. Alternatively we can read these stories as sobering affirmation that yes we are not alone in financial abuse if we have already endured it ourselves, escaped and begun rebuilding our life or sadly are still in it and trying to implement a good exit plan to escape. Whatever your circumstance I can assure you this book is one worth reading as it will completely change your view of people in your life you may have shrugged off as "cheap-skate" or "tight-wad" with the very real possibility that you've been dealing with a whole lot more.
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In her first chapter Shannon discusses the very foundation of all financial abuse which is lies. That is what all abuse and betrayal begins with, right? The abuser lies about who he or she is or what they are doing or plan to do. They lie about where they are, who they see... and if they are committing infidelity they are likely lying about their expenses as well... (like lying that the bank account is a couple hundred short due to giving his brother a loan when in reality he bought his mistress a beautiful new handbag) so we can quickly discern that a financial abuser must lie in order to commit the criminal like acts and morally ill behaviors they choose. The thing about lies is once they are told they snowball requiring more lies upon lies in order to cover up the original ones. It's such a vicious cycle and one that may be hard to uncover. Shannon talks about this and how abusers often believe the lie that all the money is theirs and they don't have to share it. (Having worked retail in the past I can attest I have witnessed firsthand husbands telling wives at the cash register all the money is theirs because they work... and even "you're spending all MY money!) Financial abusers believe that anything you have is theirs as well for the taking. They may have been married to you for thirty years but to an abuser they don't see that as owing you anything regardless of whether you're married, separated or divorced. She shares one wife's story of how her husband pressured her into buying stocks with money she had received in an inheritance but a week later they were worthless. It is so incredibly important for women to hold tightly to any inheritance they receive, keep it in separate accounts solely in their name or look into putting the money into IRA's... most importantly don't intermingle it into a joint account and be aware that if you purchase anything with it for the home or you as a couple in a divorce settlement that item could become community property... all of these scenarios need to be checked into with an attorney to find out what would suit you best. Spouses may have a hidden agenda as this one did. Why did he pressure her into buying worthless stocks? We cannot know for sure but often abusers feel threatened by their spouses gaining any chance at independence from a split at some point and if they had the savings to go rent a condo or apartment or even purchase a home the abuser won't like that possibility. So they come up with any manipulative scheme they can to get the money spent down and then they have the upper hand (power) again. Remember with a financial abuser it's often all about control and power and Shannon points out how these types are often bullying and relentless in the pressure on their targets.

Don't share any of a potential inheritance even in a good marriage as it might come back to bite you later. Keep it separate and safe. Abusers will come up with any seemingly "well-intentioned" plans to spend your money. Like re-newing your vows and having a lavish ceremony... (true story, I know someone this happened to) maybe buying that boat he or she always wanted so you can have more "family time"... or investing in some fly by night get rich quick scheme. Don't believe it couldn't happen to you. You are not the exception as people like to think. People can show their true intentions when it comes to money when they suddenly have access
to it. - Jennifer Gafford

Shannon shares how the taking advantage of family members is not uncommon among financial abusers. Because these types are always of the mindset that in life you "get what you can" it seems almost no vile scheme is off limits. They may attempt to go after grandma's life insurance plan, persuade her to change her will right before she dies (true story, I know someone who attempted this) or even make a copy of her house key and go rummage through her things to see what they can abscond with. These types are of the criminal mindset and will leave no opportunity unmet. Shannon shares how very common it is among abusers to completely cut off their spouse financially when one files for divorce. She points out how so often this very act leads to many being embarrassed in stores because their credit card or check was declined due to being cut off at the bank they have a joint account at. These abusers believe any and all funds are theirs and simply do not care that they are making their soon to be ex spouse's life that much harder as well as for any children they share. The ugly truth is this is all too common in divorce proceedings in dealing with an abuser who is of the mindset you either need to be controlled, punished or both.

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In chapter two Shannon discusses how lacking empathy is a common trait for financial abusers. We know this is true of any person who is emotionally, verbally, physically abusive as many of these types are narcissistic. Yet this also applies to those who are financial abusers. Folks who lack empathy will not feel any true remorse or guilt over making terrible even manipulative choices in regards to money or any situation tied to finances. Take taxes for example. When I was married and on year three and newly a mother having just delivered our firstborn I had no idea at the time my ex husband had not paid our income taxes for three years. He had been hiding it from me and even having the mail from the Internal Revenue Service rerouted to his mother's home address. How sneaky was that. His mother knew she was receiving mail from the IRS yet do you think she called me up and let me know? No. She enabled his behavior by hiding it from me when I had every marital, moral and legal right to know what was going on. It was Christmas 2002 when I was heading out to the grocery store and happened to see a black unmarked sedan following me. Upon exiting my vehicle the passenger of that sedan leaped out to snap my photo. It was this bewildering and unsettling incident along with receiving forwarded envelopes from the IRS right after Christmas before the new year that I knew something was very very wrong. Upon opening the envelopes right then and seeing the thousands upon thousands of dollars we owed largely due to fines and penalties I practically fell to the floor. With hands shaking I wondered how on earth we would ever re-pay all of this money owed. I should have filed for divorce right then. But instead I accompanied him to the IRS office to work out a plan to pay it back slowly but surely. (In hindsight I should have signed an innocent spouse relief form). This was also my realizing we had to sell our home and go live in a dismal rental for a couple years to enable us to get back on our feet. If I had known then he would continue to pull betraying behaviors like infidelity on top of this one I would have left immediately. But we always always think it will get better. That they will learn their lesson and finally behave. But they won't.

In chapter three Shannon discusses how abusers deny basic needs. It is often basic necessities like food, sundries, etc that they like to hold control over so you don't have access. Growing up my childhood was riddled with financial abuse. My mother was kept on a very strict grocery budget of only fifty dollars a week. Now this was to feed a family of five, mind you. That is nearly impossible especially in later years as appetites get larger due to being teens and the purchases more expensive like feminine products, makeup and hair care. My mother if she needed something for my sister's and I would have to take the money for it out of the grocery budget. There was no empathy for the tight position this put her in and with factoring in inflation it was impossible to stay ahead. When she asked for a dishwasher to be installed in the kitchen where she made homemade meals night after night the answer was no. (Years later my husband and I gave them our old dishwasher when we remodeled our kitchen and yet it was never installed. Instead it sat gathering dust in their garage. This type of behavior is all about control and punishment). When my mother asked for more counter and cabinet space for storage the answer was no. She didn't have an actual pantry and the food had to be stored in the same cabinets as the pots and pans. Thanksgiving even though she was a trooper and tiredly pushed through was a nightmare due to the lack of space to work and no dishwasher to enable cleaning up faster. Again, no empathy. When she talked of how she needed help with paying for her health insurance and then later having dental work done the answer was no. When people do a willfully poor or absent job of providing for their spouse and family (when they DO have the funds or assets to sell) they can be described as nothing more than financial abusers along with sorry pitiful excuses for human beings. Shannon describes in her book similar scenarios to what my mother, siblings and I endured growing up.... how many of the folks who submitted stories to her admitted to having to go without food, shoes, clothes and even embarrassingly enough having to ask their parents for the money to purchase feminine products. How humiliating yet sadly all too common. Many times in these situations there IS money to pay for and provide these things it's just that the money is hoarded by ONE person who controls the purse strings; or alternatively there is no money because the abuser is spending it all on gambling, alcohol, drugs, expensive and coveted collections etc. Abusers don't care if their choices negatively impact their family members as they are only worried about themselves and their own needs and wants.

There are so many forms of financial abuse and Shannon does an excellent job of exploring all the many ways in her book that abusers control through money. There are stories of husbands taking their wife's wedding ring and selling it for cash... stories of spouses racking up credit card debts in one spouse's name, instances of lying to the church pastor of how much financial abuse really occurred and then "pre-tithing" to likely sway the church toward them instead of the targeted spouse. There are the stories of hiding income so as to get out of paying child support completely or paying less than what they legally should have. There are stories of spouses who just up and decide one day to quit their job and let their spouse take on the financial responsibilities... yet they earned a hundred thousand a year and their spouse only earns thirty. You can quickly see by these varied scenarios that Shannon delves into that financial abuse takes so many forms and yet ultimately they are all destructive to spouses and their children. As Shannon continues through the book we see the opportunities for turning our life around and also protecting what we are now trying to re-build... whether that is a credit score, creating a will and trust, saving for retirement, learning how to budget... whatever it is... we each have the opportunity to completely re-evaluate our financial situation and begin making new choices solo and benefit us and not have to live under that iron clad fist of control and punishment anymore. If you have lived that way for any amount of time or still are I have to tell you that you deserve to live a life of financial freedom and not be financially abused. You are a grown adult who is very capable of making good sound choices and working from where you are to a better place.

To sum up I would highly recommend purchasing Shannon's book to read. It would make an excellent gift to that friend or daughter that may be in a financially abusive situation. It would be a great book to read during pre-marital counseling.

​I believe the completely transparent stories shared by real people and Shannon's empathetic reaction to them really sets the tone for an honest, must read book for all women and men. I have a few links included in the post to make purchasing easy including one down below. I really hope you will take the time to order this and read it as I know it was very eye opening for me. Having been a target of financial abuse myself in many forms during childhood and my marriage I can say Shannon does an excellent job of covering the details and leaving no stone un-turned. I have been following Shannon Thomas for some time now on Pinterest and Instagram and I will say she lends a very understanding and knowledgeable insight into all forms of abuse including financial. I'm so thankful she wrote this book to help educate others about the very real possibility of abuse in the form of finances and how terribly it does impact so many people behind closed doors.
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This blog post contains affiliate links and ads which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you.