About Tepid Epics

tep·id:
adj
Lacking in emotional warmth or enthusiasm; halfhearted
ep·ic:
n
An extended narrative poem in elevated or dignified language, celebrating the feats of a legendary or traditional hero.
In this blog you'll find a collection of stories, anecdotes, and nonsense that may make you wonder why exactly you're here. Let me wonder with you.

Monday, February 26, 2007

The Academy Awards were last Sunday night. Unfortunately for me, I slept through half of it. A much needed nap was in order from the debauchery from the wedding weekend. More on that later. Anyways as I was watching the show, which, I thought was VERY entertaining, I decided to jot down a few notes and thoughts at what I was viewing. Here we go...

Penelope Cruz could tell me to go Fuck Off and it would still be the most beautiful sounding thing in the entire world. I would listen to that woman learn to speak German. Truth.

How cool was Jerry Seinfeld's movie theater bit? "We have an agreement. You rip me off by making me spend money on things I don't need. Then, after the movie, whatever I have in my hand - I let go of..." Or something of the sort. Desperately trying to find a video of it online. So far no dice.

What the heck is Pan's Labyrinth? Some crazy Mexican director makes an adult horror fairy tale and wins some Oscars for it? I don't do drugs, but something tells me that I'm gonna want to before I see this movie.

How awkward was it on stage when Clint Eastwood read the translations of (Italian, I think?) movie scorer Ennio Morricone? Clint seemed as if he had one too many drinks and blamed his inability to read a teleprompter to him 'forgetting his glasses'. It's ok Clint - you're getting old. Don't blame it on the lack of bifocals.

That movie silhouette thing was really cool. I want to date a contortionist. And it's exactly the reason you'd think that I would want to date a contortionist for.

Why is Chris Connely a respected journalist? What has he done? He narrates MTV's True Life. He has guest spots on ESPN sometimes. How the heck did he get where he is today? I might have to wiki that one later.

Ok. So the category for 'best original song' contained 3 tunes from Dreamgirls. Beyonce and the 2 other hussies performed RIGHT before they read the winner. Dreamgirls had 3 out of the 5 songs nominated for the category. Who ends up winnin? Activist Mel Etheridge for a song in Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. Funny.

Those 'in memory of' tributes always get me. They flash pics and scenes of people in the film industry who passed recently. Just wanted to point out that the dad in 'A Christmas Story' died. They showed the scene where he's so proud of his Leg Lamp. I was sad.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman looked like a hobo. Did you see his hair? I would fire my publicist...or whoever was in charge of my general look that night. His hair was the best joke of the night.

Francis Ford Coppola, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Martin Scorcese on stage at the same time was cool.

Ben Affleck: No one likes you. Who invited you to the Oscars?

Ellen Degeneres is funny. I apologize for not liking you a couple years ago. I like you now.

K thats that. Saturday the 24th was the Nisler/Neevel wedding. Holy fun. It was nice to go to a wedding where people actually DANCED. I don't remember the last one I went to where almost 75% of the people in attendance got up & cut a rug. That was great to see. By the grace of God everyone got back to the hotel ok that nite. When you're up north in Wisconsin and theres foot high snow drifts. . .it's a bit scary.

How about some random thoughts of the past week? Sure! First thing's first - theres no way P Diddy uses Pro-Active. I'm gonna coin the phrase "Blackne" for african americans who suffer from acne. Use it...pass it on. But back to puffy. I can't see the man waking up in the morning and splashing a little Pro-Active Solution on his cheeks. The man is a millionaire. Did he really need to do the commercials? I'm interested in how much he got paid. All I know is that when his daughter becomes a teenager, she'll have a lifetime supply waiting for her. Too bad Puffy won't remember which closet he put it in.

Speaking of teenagers, how long will the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles be teenagers? They were in the teens when I was but a wee lad. Shouldn't they be twentysomething mutant ninja turtles by now? The anagram can still work: TMNT. See? I'd like to see office dwelling business setting turtles by day, crime fighters by night. I think thats doable. Shredder would be at an accounting firm. That's why he's so angry all the time.

Lastly, a food service story from Friday the 23rd. I'm working the lunch shift at the Randall, and am taking a table's order. A woman in her 30's looks up and asks me, "Does your Caesar dressing contain anchovies?" Let me tell you that I have no idea what the answer is. I thought the question was ridiculous, and simply said, "No. I don't believe so,"and thought nothing of it. I have our Caesar salad all the time actually. It's magnificent with blackened chicken on top of it. 10 minutes go by, and I get buzzed for the order. Grabbed the woman's caesar salad along with her 3 other business partner's dishes. As I go to the pickup window, I nonchalantly ask our cook, "Our caesar dressing doesn't contain anchovies, does it?" He looked at me, and laughed. "Jake", he started, "all Caesar dressings contain anchovies." Naturally I started laughing cuz I thought he was messing with me. "Seriously. It does." I was dumbfounded, really. I go back out to the dining room and inform the lady that, in fact, our caesar dressing DOES contain anchovies. "Oh", she goes, "thats gonna be a problem. I'm highly allergic to shellfish, so that's not gonna work." And that's the climactic ending to that anecdote. Caesar dressing contains anchovies. I've never had an anchovie, or his cousin, the Sardine. But, next time you have a caesar salad, and you get that hint of saltiness - that'd be the anchovie. Great in dressings, probably bad by itself. You learn something new every day folks.

Stay tuned for a 'What happened to the surviving members of TLC' blog in the future.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Yeah, what's the deal with Tupperware anyways? And why is it called so? Do you think the developer of this plastic contraption was named Sally Tupperware? To find out the magic of Tupperware, I headed to the most reliable source out there. The most credible of all resources on the intraweb. All-knowing trustworthy WIKIPEDIA:

"Tupperware was developed in 1945 by Earl Tupper (1907-1983) in the USA and comprised plastic containers used in households to contain food and keep it airtight. The formerly patented "burping seal" is a famous aspect of Tupperware, which distinguished it from competitors."

Interesting. Of course a man invented Tupperware. His woman was too busy cookin & cleanin. ZING! He died in 1983, which is also the year that I, and many of you reading this, was born. More from the Wiki article:

"Tupperware was known, at a time when women came back from working during World War II only to be told to "go back to the kitchen", as a method of empowering women, and giving them a toehold in the post-war business world. The tradition of Tupperware's "Jubilee" style events continues to this day, with rallies being held in major cities to recognise and reward top-selling demonstrators, managers and distributorships.In 1958, Earl Tupper fired Brownie Wise over general difference of opinion in the Tupperware business operation. It is believed that Tupper objected to the expenses incurred by the jubilee (and other similar) celebrations of Tupperware."

The Tradition of Jubilee style events continues to this day? Oh man. I bet the amount of overweight women at these 'top-seller' conventions would make the tectonic plate the event falls on shift drastically. The smell of newly manufactured plastic bullshit must resonate from the convention center's walls for weeks. If your mom, or a mom you know has won some sort of tupperware award, stab yourself with a rusty butter knife. Being an Avon or Mary Kay lady is SO much cooler. And I mean that wholeheartedly. Earl was right to fire "Brownie Wise" for the disagreements in operations. I'd get sick of speaking to a bunch of hyped up people who think they run the sales world. Go back to school, ya food-container selling hippie. Makes you wonder what the 'trophy' would look like if they give one out. Also, how annoying is it that you can NEVER find the right top to whatever container you have out at the time? It never fails. First, God said,"Let there be man". And there was man. Then God said, "And let man continually struggle to match Tupperware items." And it was so. I'm sick of Tupperware. That pic up there is actually our 'tupperware' cabinet at boone court. I know, it's ridiculous in every aspect. I guess we're all ok with it. So next time you toast something, give Earl Tupper a shout-out. Cuz why not, the man probably has spoken to more ugly women than we would have in 4 lifetimes.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I'm not sure what started this phenomenon. What dumb bitch decided, "Hey. A picture of me urinating on the porcelain queen while intoxicated would be funny. Tee hee hoo hee". NO. It's disgusting. In every way conceivable. It's not funny at all, and you will NEVER look remotely attractive. Yes, the bunched-up jeans hanging around your knees looks reeeeeaaal good. Your toothpick sized arm stretching for the toilet paper brings out your eyes quite nicely. The half-retarded shit-eating grin on your face let's us know much joy you're experiencing. NO. And what goes through the photographer's head? "Hey lets try a shot of your panties around your ankles..." What the shit is wrong with you broads? I know a good 93% of you tinklers are drunk at the time, but is there something absolutely necessary about documenting your bodily functions at the end of the nite? As if you're gonna recap it looking at the pics from last nite. "Oh yeah - remember when you busted in on me last nite while I was pissin? Haha thats great - put it up on facebook so EVERYONE can see it!" NO.

The only thing I can do when I unknowingly stumble upon a pic of that nature is go, "Well that's not good". Thats not good at all. For anyone. What if your dad saw that? Incoming phone call to your pink razr, hussie!

In conclusion, ladies - just stop it. Some guys (myself included) don't even like to think that girls even go IN that room, other than to shower of course. Call me immature...whatever. Yeah I know everyones gotta do their business...that's fine. But when you go taking pics of it, its almost a violation of my civl rights as an American citizen. Ok maybe not, but it damn well should be. This has been pretty much an incoherent rant, so if it reads like I have A.D.D., accept this half hearted apology. Cameras are meant for taking pics of friends, animals, and landscapes. Not for dumb crap like this:

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

I don't like to talk about politics. The reasons being A) It bores me, B) I know very little about the topic, and C) It starts a lot of pointless bickering and fighting. America is great and all, but we have our problems. I'm not a fan of Bush, but I'm not going to bash him here. But what I am going to do is tell you who I would have as my cabinet members if I were president. Below are some giant pictures of who our current president has elected as his cabinet members:(or go to: http://www.whitehouse.gov/government/cabinet.html)

And here's my (better) list:

Department of Agriculture: Kevin Costner - The man defied the odds and mowed down a large portion of a cornfield. AND THEN THE WHITE SOX PLAYED BASEBALL ON IT. Americanfarmers struggle to make ends meet enough as it is. I figure as long as the crop continues struggling, let the head of the household take in a few games at the ol ballpark. Er...cornfield.

Department of Commerce: A bum found near Marquette's campus - Screw Bill Gates. Or anyone else that knows how to invest and not spend his/her life earnings on alcohol. I figure a bum would know EXACTLY how to piss away a countries currency. Therefore, whatever he would advise me to spend my money on, is exactly the OPPOSITE of what I would end up doing.

Department of Defense: Chuck Norris - I believe this is self explanatory?

Department of Education: Prof. Carol Rosen - Class is in session! If you haven't had the opportunity to take a geography class with Whitewater's finest, I suggest you get your ass down here, grab a seat, and take it all in. It's a woman like this who could lay down the hammer when it comes to edumacation. Amen.

Department of Energy: Captain Planet - Who knows more about conserving energy and saving God's green Earth than Captain Planet himself? Sorry Planeteers, you can't come on this ride. Play with your rings somewhere else.

Department of Health & Human Services: Sue & Jennifer Bartolotta - Leave it to the Italians to find a way to make America healthier. Bountiful upon bountiful pan of lasagna means that the homeless can finally have a meal. I don't know what the human services part means, but what I do know is that Jenny has been great at 'servicing' me in the past.

Department of Homeland Security: Mark Hammil - If Luke Skywalker can take down an Imperial Walker, or fly his X-wing through tight quarters to fire at some core reactor, then I'll trust him with protecting our homeland. Plus he has Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda (who, if you didn't know, is a mutated Boston Terrier) constantly floating through his mind giving him pointers. That's a positive in my book.

Department of Housing and Urban Development: (Tie) Jon Kusch and Ty Pennington - Ty Pennington is a crazy son of a bitch. My mom was watching Extreme Home Makeover once and I got so mad at his perkiness and the pitch of his voice that I finally yelled "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY? WHAT TYPE OF MESSED UP A.D.D. DOES HE HAVE?!" My mom went on to tell me that he actually does have ADD, and that he never finished high school cuz he couldn't sit still, and that his personality on the show was actually how he acted...bla bla bla. Either way, he's a good carpenter or whatnot. And Jon Kusch has a love for skyscrapers. I just made his dream come true. THAT. JUST. HAPPENED. No more sim city for this guy.

Department of the Interior: Alf - I dont know what the head of the department of the interior does. Frankly I don't care. I bet Alf would be a great edition to the team though. I mean, after all, who doesn't want a pet 'cat' roaming around the office?

Department of Justice: (the ghost of) Robert Stack - No one better to scare the shit out of someone trying to mess with the hand of Justice than Unsolved Mysteries' own Robert Stack. This show really scared me when I was younger. There was a 2 week span where I couldn't watch it because one of the stories almost made me wet myself. Naturally, I turned the channel to Rescue 911, which scared me equally. Since Rescue 911 didn't have a host (did it?), and Chuck Norris is already represented, I gotta go with Bobby Stack. Everywhere the ghost of Robert Stack goes, so does the Unsolved Mysteries theme song. My cabinet is the real deal people.

Department of Labor: Kathie Lee Gifford - Talk about being wrongfully accused! Critics say she's profiting from sweatshop labor done by small children in the orient. WRONG! She's profiting from poor 20 & 30 something men and women in the Dominican Republic and Haiti! Get your facts straight before you point the finger people! (Note - anyone see who Bush appointed to be his Fair Labor Enforcer? Elaine Chao. Sounds like an oriental sounding name. I dunno, I just find that chuckle-worthy.

Department of State: Forrest Whitaker - He's a good actor. His eye is kinda messed up, but not to the extent of Stuart Scott. Condy Rice just ain't doin the job. Forrest will do the trick.

Department of Transportation: Takeo Fukui - Sure nobody knows who he is. Let me tell you. Takeo is the President and Representive Director of Honda Worldwide. Say goodbye to gasoline alltogether. I'm sure Mr. Fukui has a plan to have all cars run on rice, dogs, or polyurethane. One of those three. Definitely.

Department of the Treasury: Scrooge McDuck - He dives through what seems like an endless supply of gold coins in a massive vault. What more qualifications do you need?

Department of Veterans Affairs: R. Lee Ermey -

Again...does this need explanation?

There you have it. My cabinet. Jake Hay for president 2016. Someone wipe my record clean.