This is a checklist that you can follow if you want to be a terrible parent. When your girlfriend is working on Black Friday, take her 2-year-old son with you to Kmart at midnight for some light shopping. Except, don't actually take him into the store with you. Just leave him in the car, even though it's November. Don't worry, he'll sleep. Go into the Kmart and forage for electronics. Choose a 51-inch TV. After checking out, don't return to your car. Instead, just "panic" and call someone to pick you up. Don't worry about your girlfriend's 2-year-old son that you left in your car. Kmart employees will notice him, break into your car and take him to the hospital for you. It's called customer service. This revolutionary parenting method comes from an unnamed 34-year-old Springfield, Mass. man, who pioneered it early this morning.

A man in Sacramento threatened to stab fellow shoppers as they waited outside a Walmart on Thursday. The crowd laughed at the man's remark, but he then clarified that he wasn't kidding. I guess he really wanted to stab someone. Apparently no one in line at the store was all that troubled by the idea of being stabbed, as everyone eventually entered the store without incident.

Meanwhile in San Antonio, two dudes at a fucking Sears got into a fight about line-cutting as if they were 10-year-olds. The line-cutter allegedly punched one of the other shoppers, who then pulled a gun on the puncher. The line-cutter ran away as the crowd scrambled, eventually hiding behind a refrigerator before sprinting from the store. The gun-puller had a concealed carry license and was not arrested. Texas: home of the free and the brave or whatever.

Just like anytime a crowd of frenzied people gather somewhere in this country, police officers often use Black Friday as an excuse to slam peoples faces into the ground for no reason. In Altamonte Springs, Fla. (of course), a woman says she was looking for her sister-in-law when a policeman told her that she needed to stay with the flow of the checkout lines. After the woman refused and continued to search for her sister-in-law, police attempted to escort her from the store. She then began "throwing items" on the floor and tried to pull away from the officer, at which she was tackled and arrested, which is totally something a grown male police officer needs to do to a frantic woman.