The Christmas tree guide

Perhaps second only to Santa Claus, the Christmas tree is the most iconic image associated with contemporary Christmas in North America.

For many adults who’ve long-ago abandoned the notion of an overweight elderly man with a curious interest in children squeezing his ass down the chimney to leave candy presents for children, the Christmas tree may be the most iconic image associated with the season.

To make Christmas a happy time for you, your family, and your neighbours, the following rules will help get you started with the trimming, and possibly save you from a potentially embarrassing tree:

1.) The Christmas tree must be taller than the tallest resident occupying the home of said Christmas tree. Real tree or artificial, living in a small condo or apartment is no excuse to own a Peter Dinklage-sized Christmas tree.

2.) Only Christmas trees that are coloured green are allowed. The species of pine does not matter. Any shade of green is acceptable. But for the love of Christ and his pedophile uncle Santa or whatever: no white trees.

2a) Upside-down Christmas tree supplementary: You will be laughed at by everyone on the planet if you get one of these. Until the situation surrounding this absurd upside-down tree fad reaches epidemic levels, the decision to ban them will be delayed, however.

3.) Illumination of the Christmas tree can only be provided with the use of white/clear lights. No rainbow-coloured abominations: blue, yellow, pink, purple—when did these become Christmas colours? Partial blame to Pier 1 Imports for the rampant bastardization of the Christmas colour pallet must be noted.

3a.) Addendum: The use of green or red lights may be used in conjunction with white/clear lights under the discretion of the most obsessive-compulsive member occupying the home of said Christmas tree.

That is it! These rules will leave people and families of absolutely no taste with a jolly, festive Christmas tree they won’t have to be ashamed of.