If Hollywood is like a high school (as many celebrities have claimed) then John Mayer is the hot band geek popular girls sleep with under the auspices of anonymity. But as it turns out, John’s not only president of the band club, but also the AV Squad and has secretly recorded your trysts with plans to broadcast them on the school’s CCTV system.

Unfortunately for all the women non-metaphorical John has slept with, his version of the school’s PA system is in the pages of Rolling Stone and Details Magazines. Now turning to Playboy to get a couple more stories out there. This time, his head cheerleader target is Jessica Simpson.

“Sexually it was crazy,” he says in the March issue. “It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f***ing snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*** you, I would start selling all my s*** just to keep f***ing you.'”

Not quite as eloquent as “something ’bout the way your hair falls in your face/I love the shape you take when crawling toward the pillowcase,” but I’m sure with the right death metal backing track, “I want to quit my life and just f***ing snort you” could be a hit!

Sidenote: Am I the only one shocked that Jessica is wild in bed? Guess those 22 years of pent up sexual frustration haven’t dissipated over the last nine.

What’s most interesting to me is that while John has no problem dishing out the dirtiest details of his relationship with Jessica, he uses much more respectful, reverent terms when talk turns to his other high-profile fun-buddy, Jennifer Aniston.

In addition to denying that Twitter broke them up and admitting that he will always love her, John also gets upset thinking about Jen reading the article. “I’m now thinking about how bad I would feel if she read this and was like, ‘Why are you putting me in an article where you’re talking about someone else? I don’t want to be in your lineage of kiss-and-tells.'”

Well, I’d hate to see how Jen reacts to this next passage.

Later in the piece, the topic naturally turns to John’s inherent douchebaggery, which he defends by saying, “I come on very strong. I am a very … I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. That’s why black people love me.” So following this train of logic, the interviewer asks if black women throw themselves at him.

John replies (and I kid you not), “I don’t think I open myself to it. My d*** is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a f***in’ David Duke c***. I’m going to start dating separately from my d***.”

Yeah, but even if John distanced himself from the appendage, I believe anyone who dates the musician will always be going out with a d***.