tempestuous

DATE I started writting : 6/ 03/2012style : letter type and narration...introduction// summary: Some has to lie for a reason.Some truths were hidden for protection.But how can you be honest and open when confronted with those that you fear most in life? How can you speak the unspeakable things without compromising your relationship with the people around you?======================================= IMAGINE ME AND YOU6/03/20121:08am Dear Diary,I sometimes wonder who had invented this diary type of thing because if I ever had a way of knowing it,I would love to send them my heartfelt thanks for inventing such cool way of communicating myself in a way that no one knows about it and the assurance that I speak out everything that I wanted to say without hurting or offending anyone else.Or should I say without being strongly opposed or even hated for expressing my honest feelings and opinion.I would say,it is indeed true that I'm all grown up now and have grown in age and mature in years.My maturity was based on the types of experience I had encountered in life and more likely those that I had chosen and welcome in my life.Well,normally when someone ask stuff like "how I'm doing" or "how's work" or stuff like that.I'm dying to tell them everything.But obviously,I can't because it's so stupid to even try it.Like no one's willing to listen anyway as they were asking me just to start a conversation or in most cases,they are just being polite to me.Before,it was our parents who would not stop asking that question. When I was younger and someone would ask me that question,I was always as open as I am.I mean I don't have secrets to keep or identity to protect.I don't have to be cautious about what I think or say because they are so much filled with childhood innocence.But right now,seems that I have to hold on to this journalling type of thing because I don't think speaking out myself to others would do me good.Well,sometimes it does but mostly it won't specially for this kind of feelings.Before,my diary was all about school stuff,problems with friends,secret crushes and talking about my favorite songs,books or anything that's simple.Well,right now I don't do this on a daily basis but everytime I write it was all filled with heartfelt stuff that can go pages and pages.It's full of honest and deepest emotions.It's full of wanting more.ANd today,I'm still not finish with dealing about the strangest thing about being me.I can't seem to put the pieces together.There's a big part of me that is so much scared to accept and admit what's going on.And some parts of me is worried that I'll always have this confuse feeling as long as I don't face and resolve it.Recently,I had attended a few christening where I'm of course a god mother.SO far,I have three of them.Two boys and a girl.And since then,I had this feeling of wanting a baby of my own as early as now.I don't know why I feel so much ready and excited just by thinking about it.I don't know why I feel so overwhelmed .I was actually surprised too of the sudden desire to have my own baby.I was really trying to figure out,maybe I feel lonely that's why I wanted .Or maybe I'm scared of getting old and dying alone and worst,still a virgin.I promised myself before that I will enjoy my adult life as a single for the longest time possible since all my life as a teenager was spent tending my younger brothers.But this sudden feeling made me a little bit doubtful too.Knowing myself,maybe I envy these people around me who had babies,specially friends and batchmates.Maybe,I'm just overwhelmed by their cuteness.Maybe,It's just a thing that I have to overcome.Another weird thing is I want to have a baby but I don't like the feeling of commiting myself into marriage.That was really weird.How could I have my own baby and raise her/him on my own? WhAt if they grew up and ask about their father? WHat if I die young and had no one to entrust them to? I mean I came from a broken family and I faced the harsh consequences.I grew up wondering how it feels to have a daddy.What it means to be carried on his shoulders.How it feels to be a daddy's little girl.That's one thing that I don't definitely want my child to experience again.I want my own children to have a father who would carry them on his shoulder and hug their wounds when they fall.I want them to have a strong image who molds them towards toughness.I am a christian and it is something that I would never deny.I fear God.I honor His laws.ANd I want to raise a family who fear God too.ANd I wanted to have a husband,someone I can call a husband in the most loving way.But here's the cliche,the thought of having a partner in life is more appealing than the thought of being married.I really can't figure out where these weird emotions are coming from but I kinda connected the dots and I'm scared of what I discovered.Scared in a way that I don't want to see myself in a specific sexual orientation just like how people wanted to see and define me.I have been struggling with this for so long too.I'm talking about me as some would want to perceive me as gay.I was and always boyish.Yes,I am.I don't like girly stuff.I hate wearing dresses and make ups and those skin tight pants.But I can go with high heeled shoes.That's an exception.But I admire a lot of beautiful women who were mostly my friends too. I admire women because of their beauty and glamour and how they carry themselves because those are the stuff that I don't have.Psychologists believed that the first thing we admire from others were mostly the things that we don't have or envy.Maybe,I'm attracted to a lot of women because of their modesty and their ultimate sense in fashion or just how they carry themselves above everyone else.Specially those that are simple yet stand out.It is something that I could never ever have because I don't have the confidence like they do.I also admire men,although I had admire lesser men in my life than women.And most men that I admire are those who are so sweet and thoughtful and gentleman.I'm not usually attracted to good looking hunky men.In fantasy,I would love those rugged greeneyed men on movies or magazines like Ian Sommerhalder and Gerard Butler and it ends there.In real life,I easily fall inlove to a few men who had treated me with respect and gentleness and I guess this is one character of a man that I would find it very hard to resist.I easily fall inlove to a guy who possess such quality.If only they knew I'm most vulnerable to that extent.I had a relationship with a guy who's almost half my age because I wanted a father image .I wanted my man to be far matured than I am because I'm so tired of being responsible and doing all the descion making.I'm tired of it and I want a man who can decide and lead me.A man that I can definitely assure my respect.I mean,I have the tendency to be dominating.I have this manly strong image so I want a guy who's tougher than I am.Maybe strong on the outside but vulnerably romantic on the inside.Most of all,I easily fall inlove to a very affectionate man.Recently,I had been spending a couple of hours each day watching gay movies to clear out what I feel and compare it when I'm watching a straight man-woman sort of relationship.SOmeone said to me before,maybe I'm confused and I still have that "identity crisis" thing.So that friend kind of encourage me to explore myself more.So I look back on my past and just like what i just shared,it's easier for me to be attracted to women than men.One thing that I never did though is imagining myself being in a relationship with a woman.As much as how much I admire women,I just want them to be closer to me.Some I treated like my younger sister.Some I considered my biggest admired person that inspired me to certain areas in my life.SOme I considered the funniest person that I would love to spend most of my time with.ANd Some,I keep them because of being sweet and that's my weakness.I love sweet and thoughtful and most specially affectionate people.It was not later since last year that I am exposed to a lot of stuff.Gay movies,gay friends and some people that I worked with each day.For the first time,I begun imagining myself what it felt like to be in a relationship with this person that I admire the most. You are one of my closest friends and I normally feel jealous about how much she spent time with others.I mean,my feeling had been changed.I treated her like I was a lover.I missed you every moment and I feel sad and unhappy without seeing you ach day.I kinda wait for you to come and all my bad moods will be gone.She's like a medicine that heals me automatically. Our friendship went deeper than ever as months passed by.I can say maybe this is love.Maybe I've fallen inlove with her and it scared me.I freaked out! She's the only one who can either break my heart much or she's the only one who can overwhelm me like she can really drive me crazy.Like my feeling is up to the heavens.ANd I'm hating where I've gotten myself into because she really cared about me too.Maybe not in the way I see her.Specially when we go to movies or we hang out together.Parts of me would want to keep her this close and never let go.It's like every song that I'm listening to is all bout us.And I'm trying to validate us in every song or every movie that I've watched.When that feeling started,I stopped admiring men in that certain kind of feeling.I cried hard sometimes because I know that there's a very small chance of making it possible,like having a relationship with her the way I see her and not just as friends.I cry even harder because I don't like to have that unatural feeling.Me,myself wouldn't allow it to happen in the very first place.It's like violating everything.I don't have the strength or the face to show up in public about what I feel because I'm sure,i'll be left alone.There's no guarantee that she even felt a bit like how I feel about her.I'm not as tough as others were who stood up for their own happiness.I'm used to sacrifices and I would rather sacrifice keeping these to myself than persuing my happines and bringing a curse to everyone around me.Much worst,what if telling her the truth will make me loose her as a friend? I would rahter keep my secret with me and have her than being honest to her but lose her.I thought,maybe I'm just overwhelmed because that's what happened to me always.I have this tendency of being overwhelmed and sometimes It's hard to validate what's real from what's not.So I have tried a lot of attempts to avoid her.I tried thinking of possible things that I dislike about her to discourage myself.I even did try arguing or picking a fight with her so she would hate me and avoid me.But all those attempts made me even closer to her.So I thought,I'll just try my very best to treat her as a sister.SO I would be disgusted to imagine myself having a relationship with her.But still,I think of her everynight before I sleep and every morning before I wake up.It was a good thing that she's not as thoughtful as I hope she should.It's good that she's not that sweet to me so it helped somehow.It dismayed me at times.This certain kind of feeling is hard to handle.I ahve to be professional when I'm around her.I feel uncomfortable because of my fear that she might know what I feel.Maybe,we are just friends because we are in one place.But she may be the typical one who easily forgets once surrounded by other people.That's one thing I envy about her.She carried herself far way better than I do.It's hard to read what's on her mind while me,I'm always transparent.Maybe what's missing is her discovering how much I fancy her.MAybe she knew a little that's why she kept her distance a little bit.She's not that touchy as she was before.Maybe she did.She believed I'm more of a flirt than her so I guess she would never see me as a big admirer of hers.I'm thankful though because there's a big change at work.So she's been busy with trainings and stuff with the changes and all,we haven't seen each other much.In fact,we never hang out for a long time now.Due to schedule differences,i mean literally I didn't get to see her everyday.Then I really had struggled to keep myself from texting her everytime I miss her.She can treat me like I don't matter at all.Because she never texted me for no reason .Only when she needs anything or is asking something.It was going on for monthns now.Like I tried hard to divert my attention.Like I had internet connection now and I spent most of my spare time browsing the net.I know it's not a healthy practice but this is temporary anyway as I'm going to cut my connection soon to save money.Just a few days,I did the visiting and it was not like before. I realized,my feelings had changed a bit.It was not like that of before where in it was an obsessive case .I still feel something everytime I see her.I still feel secretly happy and inspired but it doesn't border to wanting her much.I think instances had took as apart.It was a painful process but I'm definitely thankful it happened.Right now,I can see her as a friend with no personal feelings involved.I guess being a part can do us either good or bad.It either can make you miss each other so much or it can tear you apart.It depends on which side you're bound to.Well,that leaves us to the question..would that make me gay? And would that be the kind of life I would love to live?I would definitely find a way to deal with it.There must be a way and there has to be.I'm still convinced that my environment had affected me so much .That had contributed to my personality,preference and likes.But with this kind of thing,I still hold on to the Biblical concept that God created a man and a woman.And the complexities and complications we are facing now is the result of man's uncontentment.As we noticed,as years advanced the world is constantly changing.At this present age,media has been a great influence to everyone.When they started to admit on international movie that a popular admired celeb was gay,people kind of embrace it as a cool thing and had called for respect.And it's easy to get support now these days.Before,people don't worry about who they were because it's easy to tell.But today,it's hard to tell someone by the looks.I mean everything's like cryptic.You have to decipher.You have to be not quick in judging.I had spent a whole month watching gay movies to clear out myself.And it depends.There are some that are disgusting to me and there were some that I find it convincing like you literary fall for it.So that helped in making me conlcude that my exposure to this kind of thing had somehow influenced what I feel and had cause so much confussion.Even if I look back,I know I admire women more than I admire the opposite sex but it never occured to me that its' a sign of lesbianism.Nor did I imagine in that level.It was just until now that somebody told me about it.Well,they can call me anything.They can judge me but I am still the person that I want to be and it's all up to me.As for me,prioritizing what's right and moral is my ultimate goal in life.I wanted to be remembered of positive influence.It doesn't matter what I want anyway.Feelings are never constant.It is always changable so it means,sexual orientation is not something to be serious about.Because in the first place,we create our own identity.We have our own unique practices and belief.So I really think this too will pass away.It's just a feeling of lust and wanting more.It's just an extension of unconsicous wants and desires.It is an extension of wanting something that you have been deprived.Sadly,but I termed this as a fling or a subconscious fulfillment of our ungiven desires or even something that we hope should be given to us by the opposite sex.It's just my humble opinion and whatever is it right now,I believe it's all up to every person to either validate or void what is there....I leave the judgement to God .But I open my heart to God as I want him to exactly see what's going on in my life.I'm sure there would still be a lot of possible changes for me but I'm all open to possibilites.How else then can I conlcude when I don't experience anything? HOw can I say it's not for me when I'm n0t there myself?I usually learn by experience and normally it's a long process but I'm willing to go for it as long as it will take me out from this mess....==============MEMORIES

CHAPTER 1: "TIL THERE WAS YOU"I actually admit I can't remember how I met you.But I was surprised when you told me that you were the first one who approached me.And that's how the story of us started.You told me,I was a real snub and that explains why guys are uninterested with me or worst afraid of me.I walk like a wrestler and I speak and act like a guy.I mean there's not much feminine about me.Anything that would attract a guy to see me as a woman.I have been like this ever since but inside this masculine body is a feminine heart.An affectionate,caring and sensitive feminine heart.I might be masculine into most things but my emotions are that of a woman.I easily hurt.I easily fall in love.It's just that I'm not that super expressive for them to know I have these deep crushes going on.Anyways,we were hanging out and remember when I asked you how we met.Seems I'm humiliated when you told me that you were the first one who approached me.I was waiting for a friend who was sitting beside you for our lunch.I was standing beside you when you smiled to me and introduced yourself.Well, can't remember much from that moment because I remember you as someone who took your lunch alone and even excitedly because you were so much addicted to this tv show.I find it weird because I don't find anything exciting at all about that certain show.But seeing you excited made me wonder so I started watching it too which later on I was starting to love it.And it is where we started.I was desperately trying to watch local shows and movies to cope up with you.We sometimes go for a movie from time to time and we watch local films.Thus,you introduced me to Sara G.,Kim Chu, Erich Gonzales and Maja Salvador.of course,with their leading men like Gerald Anderson ,Jake Cuenca and etc..,I'm kinda enjoying every bit of it.Actually,I'm not excited about the movie.I'm more interested of your reactions to every movie we watched.I like seeing you giggle and I can feel how much you love the movie.I love discussing stuff with you specially about the movie over and over again after watching it.I found you very interesting and funny! Just the right person I wanted to hangout with because I seem to have forgotten to smile in ages.But when I'm with you I can't help but laugh a lot! You're someone who seem to not care about anything.But you just do what you do.You have a good taste in fashion and I love how you dress yourself.I love seeing you each day because you were like one of those models in Runway.You are always stylish.Simple yet elegant I should say.My interest for you grew into liking.And as months go by,our friendship became deeper and deeper.And I felt so much comfortable being with you.I can be myself without any worries of displeasing you because we seem to always end in a good laugh.As always,you were a real crazy weird and funny one.

We seem inseparable.I can't just go home without waiting for you to say my goodbye.I love it most when you sit beside me at work because it makes me relaxed and happy.I felt like you were a sister to me and same time a best friend I haven't had in years.Though you were not that open to me about personal stuff,I was the opposite to you.You saw me cry for someone at the office.You saw me in my deepest anger.You witness me in my desperation.You saw my hurts.You feel my frustrations.You heard every single complaint I had each day.You saw me in my most vulnerable part.You can sense when I'm in bad mood.You definitely can determine my " mood-o-meter". You know what my silence means.Sometimes,I think I was being unfair for making you too much involved in my personal life.But the good thing about you is it's never a big deal.It was for the same reason why I thought you don't seem to have any care at all.But I know,it was actually a cool thing because you never stress out yourself over things that comes your way and I always envy you for that.Then I'm starting to realize,little by little that we were actually very opposite in a lot of things.Maybe,they were right in stating that "opposites do attract".

People sometimes speculate about us.Some thought we were lovers because of how close we became.Like we hold hands when walking.We hug a lot.We have the "hello and goodbye" kiss too.And they often see us cuddle specially when we go out.I was all okay not until I grew worried about it.Even if we laugh about it,you have no idea how affected I am.I started hiding things from you.I feel reserved sometimes to discuss this with you.I was actually trying to figure out why I'm affected in the very first place.I have this fear that I can't understand.

You know,long before I even met you,I was already broken.I'm afraid that I'm going the same way again and I might end up hurt and feeling stupid again.I suddenly thought about not going far.if there's something that's left for me to keep,I will keep it.I had a close friend before I even met you.A very close friend.I considered her my own sister and only family since that time that I run away from home.She was my world.We can spend hours and hours talking.Or she can visit me and we have a movie marathon.Or she'll just drop by for an overnight.I feel so much overwhelmed.I did everything I could for her.She seem to do the same thing for me too.Then one day,I don't know what happened.She met someone and she never talk to me for a long time.Then I realized she used me.In a way,she needed a friend because she's having personal love issues.And so with family problems too.She loves hanging out with me as it always makes her feel better.The sad part is,when she met someone,she totally forgot me.And it happened twice already.That's my fear.I know there's nothing attractive or anything even exciting even about me for any person to stay with me.In fact,I haven't met a real good friend.I met 2 of them but they left me forever.So I was kinda thinking,what if the same thing happen to us.Can i take it this time? Can I even trust someone again?

I'm not accusing you of anything.In fact,I have this feeling that maybe,I'm the only one who feels overwhelmed with you.Maybe,i feel close to you but you don't feel the same way for me.I have the tendency to give my all when you mean so much to me.There's no doubt people speculate about us because I treated you like the love of my life.

Well,all my life I didn't feel love at all.I don't have any idea how it feels to love someone genuinely.So I promised myself,I won't take people for granted.d II have to display genuine love and affection.When I met you,I told myself,maybe I should give it another try to open up.To let you see all of me without reservations.And how many times did I tell you that I like you so much? I guess,to be able to be a friend to someone,you must have to like them a lot.

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.