I need to write today to try and get through some frustrations and painful memories. Some things have happened recently that have reminded me of some dark days in the past when I felt depression taking over my life. It is not that I am depressed, exactly, I am just feeling overwhelmed with emotions and I am having a hard time.For the sake of those involved, I will not use names or their relationship to me. This is to protect them and their privacy as well as to not cause embarrassment. I will also not go into details about what led to the events I am going to write about. I do hope that they will forgive me for sharing at all but, for my own sanity, I need to do this.First of all, I have been feeling frustrated because my SSI payments are supposedly being reduced by about $100. That may not seem like much to some people, but considering that I don't make very much to begin with, it is huge to me. Apparently the check is being cut because of how much they estimated I would make in January. The problem is, their estimate was more than double what I actually earned. I am not even sure how they figured I would make that much. I have never made that much money in a single month that I have worked at my current job. EVER!!!I am also frustrated because starting in March my Food Stamps have been reduced about $100. Don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily like being on food stamps, any more than receiving Social Security benefits, but when you are on a tight budget every little bit helps.Another thing that has been bothering me lately is the fact that I am now 41 and I am still single. Most of the time I am okay with this, but for some reason I have really been wishing that that was not the case. When I was younger I never dreamed that I would still be single into my forties. The only thing I have ever really wanted was to be a wife and mother.I try not to think about it most of the time since it is not something I can control. I mean, I can't just run to Walmart and pick out a family. I have been promised that if I live worthy that I will have the opportunity to have a family. The thing is, the promise told me that it is in the "due time of the Lord." Sometimes I just have a really hard time with it not being my time. Don't get me wrong. I am not questioning the Lord, but I can sometimes forget to be patient.Well, now for the main reason I am feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated.there have been some things going on with some people that are very close to me. Some things that nobody should have to go through. What has got me so frustrated is that people who should be doing more to make things better are actually making things worse. One person in particular, that I used to be closer to, has been the cause of a lot of grief and pain. Lies have been told over and over and problems ignored or brushed aside. Unfortunately as a result, either direct or indirect, this has caused some major problems. It has really hurt someone I love very much.I found out this morning that someone very dear to me, took about half a bottle of Tylenol in order to go to sleep and not have to deal with life and the pain. I was in total shock! I started to cry almost uncontrollably in grief and sadness that they felt this was the only way. Mostly I cried because of the feelings of guilt and shame that I felt because of the things that I have done.Although my circumstances were much different as to what led to my suicide attempts, the feelings and thoughts were very similar. I only knew that I wanted to go to sleep and never have to deal with the pain again. I felt so overwhelmed and frustrated with life that I thought that was the only answer. Deep down I knew it was wrong, but in the moment that doesn't seem to matter. I could only think of how much better it would be if I didn't have to deal with the thoughts, feelings, and stress of every day life. I am grateful that I failed in my attempts to take my own life, most of the time. I admit, though, that occasionally I still think that things would be better if I had succeeded.So, back to today. I have spent a lot of the day feeling regrets and wondering what could I have done differently to set a better example for this person. I feel like such a bad example! I keep wondering if I set the example of what to do when things get hard. The wrong example.I am also having a hard time knowing that things happened as a result of others actions. I am frustrated with them, blaming them, and having a hard time knowing that I need to forgive them.I am not sure that this is helping anybody, including myself. I am debating whether or not to post it. I don't want to cause more harm than help.I do want this person, that is going through such difficult thoughts and feelings at this time, to know that I do understand more than some. I also want to apologize if I have been a bad example. Most of all, I just want to let them know that I love them and more importantly, our Heavenly Father loves them. Our Savior knows exactly what they are going through, and has paid the price because of His love for them.

I have always had a secret dream to someday be a famous singer. Unfortunately, I let my fears get in the way of fulfilling that dream. I tell myself that I am not good enough, or nobody would by my album. I get terrified when I stand in front of crowds. About the only time I don't feel like passing out is when I sing in church, but at the same time I get extremely nervous and want to throw up afterward. In fact, for some reason I just don't get, the nerves hit me worse after I finish.I am always amazed when I hear people, like in the video below, share their stories of how they push through their anxieties to do what they love. The first time I saw this performance I remember thinking, "If she can do it, why can't I? I want to do that!" of course my next thoughts became, "I could never get up in front of all those people." "I would get buzzed off the stage after two notes." "I am just not good enough to do something like that." "Good thing I am too old to audition for 'American Idol' because I wouldn't even make it through the first round." I know I shouldn't pay attention to those kind of thoughts but I do. I am reminded of the Parable of the Talents found in Matthew 25:14-30:

14-For the kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods.15-And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey.16-Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents.17-And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two.18-But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord’s money.19- After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them.20-And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, I have gained beside them five talents more.21-His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.22-He also that had received two talents came and said, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents: behold, I have gained two other talents beside them.23-His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.24-Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed:25-And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine.26-His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed:27-Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury.28-Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents.29- For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath.30-And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.Elder Bruce R. McConkie (1915–85) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles wrote: “Each person in this life is endowed with those talents and capacities which his pre-earth life entitle him to receive. Some by obedience to law acquired one talent and some another.”In modern revelation the Lord affirmed the principles in this parable: “But with some I am not well pleased, for … they hide the talent which I have given unto them, because of the fear of man. … Thou shalt not idle away thy time, neither shalt thou bury thy talent that it may not be known” (D&C 60:2, 13).In many ways, I am like the man with one talent. Although I enjoy singing along to the radio, with my family, and occasionally in church, I mostly hide my talent. I also enjoy playing the piano, but because I have never had official lessons and don't do well when it comes to playing for other people, I don't allow many people to know of this talent. I need to quit hiding my talents and share them with others more often. I'm just not sure how to go about it.I hope that I can get the courage I need to leave my comfort zone and share my talents with others. I want to be able to stand in front of many people and sing. My dream isn't so much to be famous anymore as much as it is to share with those I love. Who knows? Maybe someday that could be me standing in front of the judges and singing and sharing my thoughts and feelings, and testimony, through music. Music is the best way I know to help me through the hard times. Maybe, I can someday help others through theirs.﻿﻿﻿﻿﻿

﻿So, I'm not really sure what to write. I was going to write about something else but it didn't seem quite right so I decided to just write some random thoughts I have had lately. It is my hope and prayer that I can say something that may be of help to someone who may need this.Lately I have been in a good place mentally and emotionally. I can't say that everything is wonderful but I have been telling people that I could be better but I could be worse so I'll take what I've got.I have been thinking lately that I need to do more to help others who have had some of the same thoughts, feelings, etc., that I have dealt with. The problem is, how do I go about it? Besides sharing on Facebook occasionally and writing this blog, there has got to be a better way to get the message out there that people matter! If nothing else, people matter to our Heavenly Father and to our Savior, Jesus Christ.I truly believe that my testimony of Jesus Christ is the only reason I am still here. It is because He knows what I deal with on a daily basis that I can feel His love for me and it makes me want to try to do better so that I can live with Him and Heavenly Father again someday! If I had succeeded in my attempts to end my life, would I have that opportunity? I don't know. For now, I am grateful to still be here and don't have to find out.I titled this post "My thoughts on being a survivor of suicide" because of an article I read a few weeks ago. I have posted the link below for you to copy and paste into your browser. (Sorry, I still haven't figured out the technicalities to make it so you can just press the link.) The author talks a little about how surviving changed her life. I don't know if I can say my life has been changed as a direct result of my two failed attempts. Maybe I should quit looking at them as failures though.﻿Things in my life have definitely changed in some ways I guess. Like the fact that after my first attempt I ended up moving to Nevada. It was not my first choice in places to live. However, it was a good thing to have my parents around to help me out and show their support. I met some nice people and had the chance to work in the Headstart program and gain more & different experiences as an Early Childhood teacher. The same happened in Bountiful. I was also almost able to get my own preschool started which will help me know what to do in the future to make things work.I don't know exactly my reasons for being in those places when I was, But I believe that there was some purpose. For example, I had a very good counselor in Bountiful who I grew to love very much. She was like a kindred spirit. She listened when I needed to talk but she also pushed me to step out of my comfort zone a lot. I needed that. She is also the one who got me to go to the hospital for some more in depth help. It was what I needed at the time and I learned a lot from it.I am not saying that things got better after that. I mean, after all, a year later I was back in ICU due to a second drug overdose with the intent of killing myself. Life has still been hard. Life will always be hard. I am just putting that out there so that the next time I feel so low, somebody can remind me.Right now, things are okay! I have been fighting the flu for a week, yuck! I have still had problems related to Fibromyalgia, ouch! Overall, though, things are not so bad. I am feeling better from the flu. I am going to physical therapy for the pain and I still talk to my doctor and counselor on a regular basis. I am not where I want to be in my life by far, and I know things won't always be easy, but with help, especially help from above, I can get through anything!!!http://www.youmatter.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/2014/12/04/how-to-help-survivors-of-suicide-attempts/

I wanted to share this video with words by Elder M Russell Ballard, an apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It also tells a story of a painting by Greg Olsen of a teen sitting on a bench with Christ. The teen was modeled after a friend of Greg's son who went on to commit suicide. Lastly, blogger & writer, Seth Adam Smith, tells a little of his depression and suicide attempt. I feel like I know Seth. Partly because I can relate to his story and partly because I was blessed to have the opportunity to work with his sister at the Family Enrichment Center in Kaysville, Utah. She was such a sweet person. I grew to love her in the short time I had to work and be around her. If Seth is anything like her, I would be glad to be his friend also. Another blessing of living in Bountiful.

So it has been over two months since my last post. I really don't have an excuse. I have fought illness, depression, and other things, but I still should have found time to post something. If nothing else I should have posted that I am finally receiving SSI benefits. As of November 1, although I didn't find out until later, I have been covered by Medicaid/Molina +. It took a while to get the pharmacy part figured out, but I now can get most of my meds for a small co-pay. On December 31, I received my first check. It isn't much but added to my pay from teaching preschool it helps a lot. Today I received the first of my back-paychecks. I need to figure out if that is after my attorney fees have been paid or if I still owe them. If I don't have to pay the attorney that money will be a huge help. I actually have a few posts saved as drafts that I haven't finished. I was trying to decide whether to post them now, by working them in somehow, or continue to save them for another day. I think I will save them but I promise that I will post them eventually. I still need to finish the story of my mission as well. I am just going to post a few random things for now. This morning I read an article in the Deseret News, a Salt Lake City newspaper, about a man who has suffered with depression and anxiety. He is a former University of Utah basketball player named Craig Rydalch. He had attempted to commit suicide but was saved by a miracle as he called it. He is trying to spread a message of hope by sharing his story. He has said, “If I can help one person from following through with what I almost did, then it will make a difference.” Here is the link to the story: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865620612/Former-Utah-basketball-player-spreads-hope-from-his-battle-with-depression-anxiety.html. This is kind of a short post because I can't think of anything else to write. Anyway, I have been thinking that I need to share more of the things that have helped me through the tough times. In order to do that I will be starting to share more about my beliefs and my testimony of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I just wanted to share that in case anybody doesn't want to hear about it. However it is a part of who I am and in order to more completely understand me I have to share. So, with that said, I will probably finish telling about my mission and how it played a large part in where I am today. Until next time!

Jennifer Gardner

I am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I struggle with anxiety and depression on a daily basis. I have also recently been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I created this blog to share some of the things that I deal with and the ways I handle them and cope.