OSIP [lying on his master's bed]. The devil takeit! I'm so hungry. There's a racket in my belly, asif a whole regiment were blowing trumpets. We'll neverreach home. I'd like to know what we are going to do.Two months already since we left St. Pete. He's gonethrough all his cash, the precious buck, so now he stickshere with his tail between his legs and takes it easy.We'd have had enough and more than enough to pay forthe fare, but no he must exhibit himself in every town.[Imitates him.] "Osip, get me the best room to behad and order the best dinner they serve. I can't standbad food. I must have the best." It would be allright for a somebody, but for a common copying clerk!Goes and gets acquainted with the other travellers,plays cards, and plays himself out of his last penny.Oh, I'm sick of this life. It's better in our village,really. There isn't so much going on, but then thereis less to bother about. You get yourself a wife and lie onthe stove all the time and eat pie. Of course, if youwanted to tell the truth, there's no denying it that there'snothing like living in St. Pete. All you want is money.And then you can live smart and classy--theeadres,dogs to dance for you, everything, and everybody talksso genteel, pretty near like in high society. If you goto the Schukin bazaar, the shopkeepers cry, "Gentlemen,"at you. You sit with the officials in the ferryboat. If you want company, you go into a shop. Asport there will tell you about life in the barracks andexplain the meaning of every star in the sky, so thatyou see them all as if you held them in your hand.Then an old officer's wife will gossip, or a pretty chambermaidwill dart a look at you--ta, ta, ta! [Smirksand wags his head.] And what deucedly civil mannersthey have, too. You never hear no impolite language.They always say "Mister" to you. If you are tiredof walking, why you take a cab and sit in it like alord. And if you don't feel like paying, then you don't.Every house has an open-work gate and you can slipthrough and the devil himself won't catch you. There'sone bad thing, though; sometimes you get first class eatsand sometimes you're so starved you nearly drop--likenow. It's all his fault. What can you do with him?His dad sends him money to keep him going, but thedevil a lot it does. He goes off on a spree, rides incabs, gets me to buy a theeadre ticket for him everyday, and in a week look at him--sends me to the oldclo'es man to sell his new dress coat. Sometimeshe gets rid of everything down to his last shirt and isleft with nothing except his coat and overcoat. Uponmy word, it's the truth. And such fine cloth, too. English,you know. One dress coat costs him a hundredand fifty rubles and he sells it to the old clo'es man fortwenty. No use saying nothing about his pants. Theygo for a song. And why? Because he doesn't tendto his business. Instead of sticking to his job, he gadsabout on the Prospect and plays cards. Ah, if the oldgentleman only knew it! He wouldn't care that youare an official. He'd lift up your little shirtie and wouldlay it on so that you'd go about rubbing yourself for aweek. If you have a job, stick to it. Here's the innkeepersays he won't let you have anything to eat unlessyou pay your back bills. Well, and suppose we don'tpay. [Sighing.] Oh, good God! If only I could getcabbage soup. I think I could eat up the whole worldnow. There's a knock at the door. I suppose it's him.[Rises from the bed hastily.]

SCENE II

Osip and Khlestakov.

KHLESTAKOV. Here! [Hands him his cap andcane.] What, been warming the bed again!

OSIP. Why should I have been warming the bed?Have I never seen a bed before?

KHLESTAKOV. You're lying. The bed's all tumbledup.

OSIP. What do I want a bed for? Don't I knowwhat a bed is like? I have legs and can use them tostand on. I don't need your bed.

KHLESTAKOV [walking up and down the room]. Gosee if there isn't some tobacco in the pouch.

OSIP. What tobacco? You emptied it out four daysago.

KHLESTAKOV [pacing the room and twisting his lips.Finally he says in a loud resolute voice]. Listen--a--Osip.

OSIP. Yes, sir?

KHLESTAKOV [In a voice just as loud, but not quite soresolute]. Go down there.

OSIP. Where?

KHLESTAKOV [in a voice not at all resolute, nor loud,but almost in entreaty]. Down to the restaurant--tellthem--to send up dinner.

OSIP. No, I won't.

KHLESTAKOV. How dare you, you fool!

OSIP. It won't do any good, anyhow. The landlordsaid he won't let you have anything more to eat.

KHLESTAKOV. How dare he! What nonsense is this?

OSIP. He'll go to the Governor, too, he says. It'stwo weeks now since you've paid him, he says. Youand your master are cheats, he says, and your masteris a blackleg besides, he says. We know the breed.We've seen swindlers like him before.

KHLESTAKOV. And you're delighted, I suppose, to repeatall this to me, you donkey.

OSIP. "Every Tom, Dick and Harry comes and liveshere," he says, "and runs up debts so that you can't evenput him out. I'm not going to fool about it," he says,"I'm going straight to the Governor and have him arrestedand put in jail."

KHLESTAKOV. That'll do now, you fool. Go down atonce and tell him to have dinner sent up. The coarsebrute! The idea!

OSIP. Hadn't I better call the landlord here?

KHLESTAKOV. What do I want the landlord for?Go and tell him yourself.

OSIP. But really, master--

KHLESTAKOV. Well, go, the deuce take you. Callthe landlord.

Osip goes out.

SCENE III

KHLESTAKOV [alone]. I am so ravenously hungry. Itook a little stroll thinking I could walk off my appetite.But, hang it, it clings. If I hadn't dissipated so inPenza I'd have had enough money to get home with.The infantry captain did me up all right. Wonderfulthe way the scoundrel cut the cards! It didn't takemore than a quarter of an hour for him to clean me outof my last penny. And yet I would give anythingto have another set-to with him. Only I never will havethe chance.-- What a rotten town this is! You can'tget anything on credit in the grocery shops here. It'sdeucedly mean, it is. [He whistles, first an air fromRobert le Diable, then a popular song, then a blend of thetwo.] No one's coming.

SCENE IV

Khlestakov, Osip, and a Servant.

SERVANT. The landlord sent me up to ask what youwant.

KHLESTAKOV. Ah, how do you do, brother! Howare you? How are you?

SERVANT. All right, thank you.

KHLESTAKOV. And how are you getting on in the inn?Is business good?

SERVANT. Yes, business is all right, thank you.

KHLESTAKOV. Many guests?

SERVANT. Plenty.

KHLESTAKOV. See here, good friend. They haven'tsent me dinner yet. Please hurry them up! See that Iget it as soon as possible. I have some business to attendto immediately after dinner.

SERVANT. The landlord said he won't let you haveanything any more. He was all for going to the Governorto-day and making a complaint against you.

KHLESTAKOV. What's there to complain about?Judge for yourself, friend. Why, I've got to eat. If Igo on like this I'll turn into a skeleton. I'm hungry,I'm not joking.

SERVANT. Yes, sir, that's what he said. "I won'tlet him have no dinner," he said, "till he pays for whathe has already had." That was his answer.

KHLESTAKOV. Try to persuade him.

SERVANT. But what shall I tell him?

KHLESTAKOV. Explain that it's a serious matter, I'vegot to eat. As for the money, of course-- He thinksthat because a muzhik like him can go without food awhole day others can too. The idea!

SERVANT. Well, all right. I'll tell him.

The Servant and Osip go out.

SCENE V

Khlestakov alone.

KHLESTAKOV. A bad business if he refuses to let mehave anything. I'm so hungry. I've never been sohungry in my life. Shall I try to raise somethingon my clothes? Shall I sell my trousers?No, I'd rather starve than come home without aSt. Petersburg suit. It's a shame Joachim wouldn'tlet me have a carriage on hire. It would have been greatto ride home in a carriage, drive up under the porte-cochereof one of the neighbors with lamps lighted andOsip behind in livery. Imagine the stir it would havecreated. "Who is it? What's that?" Then my footmanwalks in [draws himself up and imitates] and an-nounces: "Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov of St.Petersburg. Will you receive him?" Those countrylubbers don't even know what it means to "receive." Ifany lout of a country squire pays them a visit, he stalksstraight into the drawing-room like a bear. Then youstep up to one of their pretty girls and say: "Dee-lighted,madam." [Rubs his hands and bows.] Phew![Spits.] I feel positively sick, I'm so hungry.

SERVANT [with plates and napkin]. This is the lasttime the landlord will let you have dinner.

KHLESTAKOV. The landlord, the landlord! I spit onyour landlord. What have you got there?

SERVANT. Soup and roast beef.

KHLESTAKOV. What! Only two courses?

SERVANT. That's all.

KHLESTAKOV. Nonsense! I won't take it. Whatdoes he mean by that? Ask him. It's not enough.

SERVANT. The landlord says it's too much.

KHLESTAKOV. Why is there no sauce?

SERVANT. There is none.

KHLESTAKOV. Why not? I saw them preparing awhole lot when I passed through the kitchen. And in thedining-room this morning two short little men were eatingsalmon and lots of other things.

SERVANT. Well, you see, there is some and thereisn't.

KHLESTAKOV. Why "isn't"?

SERVANT. Because there isn't any.

KHLESTAKOV. What, no salmon, no fish, no cutlets?

SERVANT. Only for the better kind of folk.

KHLESTAKOV. You're a fool.

SERVANT. Yes, sir.

KHLESTAKOV. You measly suckling pig. Why canthey eat and I not? Why the devil can't I eat, too?Am I not a guest the same as they?

SERVANT. No, not the same. That's plain.

KHLESTAKOV. How so?

SERVANT. That's easy. THEY pay, that's it.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm not going to argue with you, simpleton![Ladles out the soup and begins to eat.]What, you call that soup? Simply hot water pouredinto a cup. No taste to it at all. It only stinks. Idon't want it. Bring me some other soup.

SERVANT. All right. I'll take it away. The bosssaid if you didn't want it, you needn't take it.

KHLESTAKOV [putting his hand over the dishes].Well, well, leave it alone, you fool. You may be used totreat other people this way, but I'm not that sort. Iadvise you not to try it on me. My God! What soup![Goes on eating.] I don't think anybody in the worldtasted such soup. Feathers floating on the top insteadof butter. [Cuts the piece of chicken in the soup.] Oh,oh, oh! What a bird!--Give me the roast beef.There's a little soup left, Osip. Take it. [Cuts themeat.] What sort of roast beef is this? This isn't roastbeef.

SERVANT. What else is it?

KHLESTAKOV. The devil knows, but it isn't roast beef.It's roast iron, not roast beef. [Eats.] Scoundrels!Crooks! The stuff they give you to eat! It makes yourjaws ache to chew one piece of it. [Picks his teeth withhis fingers.] Villains! It's as tough as the bark of atree. I can't pull it out no matter how hard I try. Suchmeat is enough to ruin one's teeth. Crooks! [Wipes hismouth with the napkin.] Is there nothing else?

SERVANT. No.

KHLESTAKOV. Scoundrels! Blackguards! Theymight have given some decent pastry, or something, thelazy good-for-nothings! Fleecing their guests! That'sall they're good for.

[The Servant takes the dishes and carries them outaccompanied by Osip.]

SCENE VII

Khlestakov alone.

KHLESTAKOV. It's just as if I had eaten nothing atall, upon my word. It has only whetted my appetite.If I only had some change to send to the market and buysome bread.

OSIP [entering]. The Governor has come, I don'tknow what for. He's inquiring about you.

KHLESTAKOV [in alarm]. There now! That inn-keeper has gone and made a complaint against me. Supposehe really claps me into jail? Well! If he does itin a gentlemanly way, I may-- No, no, I won't. Theofficers and the people are all out on the street and Iset the fashion for them and the merchant's daughterand I flirted. No, I won't. And pray, who ishe? How dare he, actually? What does he takeme for? A tradesman? I'll tell him straight out, "Howdare you? How--"

[The door knob turns and Khlestakov goes pale andshrinks back.]

SCENE VIII

Khlestakov, the Governor, and Dobchinsky.

The Governor advances a few steps and stops. Theystare at each other a few moments wide-eyed and frightened.

GOVERNOR [recovering himself a little and salutingmilitary fashion]. I have come to present my compliments,sir.

KHLESTAKOV [bows]. How do you do, sir?

GOVERNOR. Excuse my intruding.

KHLESTAKOV. Pray don't mention it.

GOVERNOR. It's my duty as chief magistrate of thistown to see that visitors and persons of rank should sufferno inconveniences.

KHLESTAKOV [a little halting at first, but toward theend in a loud, firm voice]. Well--what was--to be--done? It's not--my fault. I'm--really going to pay.They will send me money from home. [Bobchinskypeeps in at the door.] He's most to blame. He givesme beef as hard as a board and the soup--the devilknows what he put into it. I ought to have pitched itout of the window. He starves me the whole day. Histea is so peculiar--it smells of fish, not tea. So whyshould I-- The idea!

GOVERNOR [scared]. Excuse me! I assure you, it'snot my fault. I always have good beef in the markethere. The Kholmogory merchants bring it, and they aresober, well-behaved people. I'm sure I don't knowwhere he gets his bad meat from. But if anything iswrong, may I suggest that you allow me to take you toanother place?

KHLESTAKOV. No, I thank you. I don't care to leave.I know what the other place is--the jail. What righthave you, I should like to know--how dare you?--Why, I'm in the government service at St. Petersburg.[Puts on a bold front.] I--I--I--

GOVERNOR [aside]. My God, how angry he is. Hehas found out everything. Those damned merchantshave told him everything.

KHLESTAKOV [with bravado]. I won't go even if youcome here with your whole force. I'll go straight to theminister. [Bangs his fist on the table.] What do youmean? What do you mean?

GOVERNOR [drawing himself up stiffly and shaking allover]. Have pity on me. Don't ruin me. I have awife and little children. Don't bring misfortune on aman.

KHLESTAKOV. No, I won't go. What's that got to dowith me? Must I go to jail because you have a wife andlittle children? Great! [Bobchinsky looks in at thedoor and disappears in terror.] No, much obliged toyou. I will not go.

GOVERNOR [trembling]. It was my inexperience. Iswear to you, it was nothing but my inexperience and insufficientmeans. Judge for yourself. The salary I getis not enough for tea and sugar. And if I have takenbribes, they were mere trifles--something for the table,or a coat or two. As for the officer's widow to whomthey say I gave a beating, she's in business now, and it'sa slander, it's a slander that I beat her. Those scoundrelshere invented the lie. They are ready to murderme. That's the kind of people they are.

KHLESTAKOV. Well. I've nothing to do with them.[Reflecting.] I don't see, though, why you should talkto me about your scoundrels or officer's widow. An officer'swidow is quite a different matter.-- But don'tyou dare to beat me. You can't do it to me--no, sir,you can't. The idea! Look at him! I'll pay, I'll paythe money. Just now I'm out of cash. That's why Istay here--because I haven't a single kopek.

GOVERNOR [aside]. Oh, he's a shrewd one. So that'swhat he's aiming at? He's raised such a cloud of dustyou can't tell what direction he's going. Who can guesswhat he wants? One doesn't know where to begin. ButI will try. Come what may, I'll try--hit or miss.[Aloud.] H'm, if you really are in want of money, I'mready to serve you. It is my duty to assist strangers intown.

KHLESTAKOV. Lend me some, lend me some. ThenI'll settle up immediately with the landlord. I only wanttwo hundred rubles. Even less would do.

KHLESTAKOV. But, please, please be seated. I nowsee perfectly how open-hearted and generous you are. Iconfess I thought you had come to put me in-- [ToDobchinsky.] Do take a chair.

The Governor and Dobchinsky sit down. Bobchinskylooks in at the door and listens.

GOVERNOR [aside]. I must be bolder. He wants usto pretend he is incognito. Very well, we will talk nonsense,too. We'll pretend we haven't the least idea whohe is. [Aloud.] I was going about in the performanceof my duty with Piotr Ivanovich Dobchinsky here--he's a landed proprietor here--and we came to the innto see whether the guests are properly accommodated--because I'm not like other governors, who don't careabout anything. No, apart from my duty, out of pureChristian philanthropy, I wish every mortal to be decentlytreated. And as if to reward me for my pains,chance has afforded me this pleasant acquaintance.

KHLESTAKOV. I, too, am delighted. Without youraid, I confess, I should have had to stay here a long time.I didn't know how in the world to pay my bill.

GOVERNOR [aside, with an ironical expression on hisface]. The Government of Saratov! H'm, h'm! Anddoesn't even blush! One must be on the qui vive withthis fellow. [Aloud.] You have undertaken a greattask. They say travelling is disagreeable because of thedelay in getting horses but, on the other hand, it is adiversion. You are travelling for your own amusement,I suppose?

KHLESTAKOV. No, my father wants me. He's angrybecause so far I haven't made headway in the St.Petersburg service. He thinks they stick the Vladimir inyour buttonhole the minute you get there. I'd like himto knock about in the government offices for a while.

GOVERNOR [aside]. How he fabricates! Draggingin his old father, too. [Aloud.] And may I ask whetheryou are going there to stay for long?

KHLESTAKOV. I really don't know. You see, myfather is stubborn and stupid--an old dotard as hard asa block of wood. I'll tell him straight out, "Do whatyou will, I can't live away from St. Petersburg." Really,why should I waste my life among peasants? Our timesmake different demands on us. My soul craves enlightenment.

GOVERNOR [aside]. He can spin yarns all right. Lieafter lie and never trips. And such an ugly insignificant-lookingcreature, too. Why, it seems to meI could crush him with my finger nails. But wait, I'llmake you talk. I'll make you tell me things. [Aloud.]You were quite right in your observation, that one cando nothing in a dreary out-of-the-way place. Take thistown, for instance. You lie awake nights, you workhard for your country, you don't spare yourself, and thereward? You don't know when it's coming. [He looksround the room.] This room seems rather damp.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it's a dirty room. And the bugs!I've never experienced anything like them. They bitelike dogs.

GOVERNOR. You don't say! An illustrious guest likeyou to be subjected to such annoyance at the hands of--whom? Of vile bugs which should never have beenborn. And I dare say, it's dark here, too.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, very gloomy. The landlord hasintroduced the custom of not providing candles. SometimesI want to do something--read a bit, or, if thefancy strikes me, write something.-- I can't. It's adark room, yes, very dark.

GOVERNOR. If I might be bold enough--I have afine room for you at home, light and cosy. But no, Ifeel it is too great an honor. Don't be offended. Uponmy word, I made the offer out of the simplicity of myheart.

KHLESTAKOV. On the contrary, I accept your invitationwith pleasure. I should feel much more comfortablein a private house than in this disreputable tavern.

GOVERNOR. I'm only too delighted. How glad mywife will be. It's my character, you know. I've alwaysbeen hospitable from my very childhood, especiallywhen my guest is a distinguished person. Don't think Isay this out of flattery. No, I haven't that vice. I onlyspeak from the fullness of my heart.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm greatly obliged to you. I myselfhate double-faced people. I like your candor and kind-heartednessexceedingly. And I am free to say, I askfor nothing else than devotion and esteem--esteem anddevotion.

SCENE IX

The above and the Servant, accompanied by Osip.Bobchinsky peeps in at the door.

GOVERNOR [aside, to Dobchinsky]. Listen. Run asfast as you can and take two notes, one to Zemlianika atthe hospital, the other to my wife. [To Khlestakov.]May I take the liberty of asking you to permit me towrite a line to my wife to tell her to make ready to receiveour honored guest?

KHLESTAKOV. Why go to so much trouble? However,there is the ink. I don't know whether there is anypaper. Would the bill do?

GOVERNOR. Yes, that'll do. [Writes, talking to himselfat the same time.] We'll see how things will goafter lunch and several stout-bellied bottles. We havesome Russian Madeira, not much to look at, but it willknock an elephant off its legs. If I only knew what heis and how much I have to be [on] my guard.

He finishes writing and gives the notes to Dobchinsky.As the latter walks across the stage, the door suddenlyfalls in, and Bobchinsky tumbles in with it to the floor.All exclaim in surprise. Bobchinsky rises.

KHLESTAKOV. Have you hurt yourself?

BOBCHINSKY. Oh, it's nothing--nothing at all--only a little bruise on my nose. I'll run in to Dr.H?bner's. He has a sort of plaster. It'll soon passaway.

GOVERNOR [making an angry gesture at Bobchinsky.To Khlestakov]. Oh, it's nothing. Now, if you please,sir, we'll go. I'll tell your servant to carry your luggageover. [Calls Osip.] Here, my good fellow, take allyour master's things to my house, the Governor's. Anyonewill tell you where it is. By your leave, sir.[Makes way for Khlestakov and follows him; then turnsand says reprovingly to Bobchinsky.] Couldn't you findsome other place to fall in? Sprawling out here like alobster!

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