Vatican Levels Playing Field by Instituting Affirmative Action in Pope Election

VATICAN CITY — With Pope Benedict XVI resigning this week to focus on his rap career, the Vatican is scurrying to find a worthy replacement. However, due to the cost of the Church’s golden and elaborate hats, the Papacy’s finances are in trouble. As a result, the Vatican is pushing for more affirmative action to obtain grants from organizations advocating for racial equality worldwide.

The first choice for Pope is a man from Ghana, Cardinal Peter Kodwo Appiah Turkson. When questioned for comment, Bishop Mel Gibson said, “Look man, there’s a lot of qualified candidates but they’re frankly not exotic enough. As you know, if social change comes about, religious institutions wait at least 50 years before catching up with everyone else. Plus, Pete is a bit more ‘urban’ and the kids love that these days.”

The possibility of a black Pope has many people upset. Jeb Parker, a disgruntled gas station attendant from Mississippi, expressed his outrage: “Thanks to Obama, even God is laying people off. Now we want somebody who looks just like him to be Pope?”

NFL Quarterback and first non-Catholic Cardinal Tim Tebow expressed discontent at the possibility of affirmative action. “This is ridiculous, I know I totally have better stats than that guy and I bet my Wonderlic is higher too. They’re just taking him because he’s black—it’s like college apps all over again.” When asked if the new nominee may just be more qualified than him, Tebow, who is writing a new book about his experience as a victim of affirmatie action, responded by silently taking a knee.

It will be tough for the Vatican to choose someone worthy in the coming weeks. Not only would the new Pope be in charge of leading a people backwards, but he would also have to be excellent at covering up sexual assault cases. The only other institution with a history of consistently having leaders that fit the bill is Notre Dame University.