The pReview Re-viewingAppe-Teasers forMarch 23 and 30th!

(warning: Contains profanity. Redband trailers used whenever possible. I will try not to give you mercury poisoning.)clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate window

by Jeff Finckwritten: 3/28/2012Get ready for a double dose! Last week was my birthday, so all apologies to those of you who stopped by and were forced to just stare at a goofy picture of Lady Gaga dressed as Cobra Commander until you realized that I wasn't posting anything. I'm back this week, though! As such, I will now tell you what you missed, and what is to come! Last week, Suzanne Collins dazzled us with child murder, Indonesia stepped up and just started beating everyone to death, and England unleashed Bill Hayward onto East London and its cinemas.

I feel like England has unleashed a lot of awesome things upon the planet..

THIS week, however, the Titans strike back, Seann William Scott and Liev Schreiber duke it out over douche ball (Read: Hockey), and Snow White gets yet another slant added to its history.. This time, Julia Roberts takes a crack at her.

I feel like the Queen needs a lesson in subtlety.

March 23rd is up first! (Scroll on down if you want to just jump straight to this coming Friday's releases.)

The Hunger Games

I bet that in this fictional "every child for themself in the televised snuff games" future, cockfighting is still illegal.

Sacrificing children for a chance at survival, gruesome deaths, Woody Harrelson in a fun wig: What's not to be excited about? Yet, when this finally opened, it apparently caused some controversy. No, not because of onscreen brutal child slaying, oddly enough.. Or even Wes Bentley's goofy, but fun, facial hair. But, (alleged) fans of The Hunger Games book became insane assholes and major racists, and exposed their lack of knowledge of the source material by trying to cite the source material! (Read allllll about what racist fucks everyone is being: HERE) Click the image below to see my full review of the Hunger Games trailer!

Get your shit together Hunger Games fans.

The Raid: Redemption

I like that they added "Redemption".. I don't know why, but it makes me feel redeemed.

When I saw a trailer for this movie last year, I instantly fell in love with The Raid and Indonesia. In this movie, a group of tactical officers attempt to take down the most notorious building in Jakarta. Unfortunately, they have to first contend with machine guns, machetes, fists, and feet of anger. The fighting in the preview alone fueled an adrenaline rush in me that can only be described as unhealthy and euphoric, mixed. I knew I must possess this movie immediately. I think the only thing that could top this is if someone strapped butcher knives to bunnies' heads and forced them to fight each other. (Seriously, though.. don't do that. You bastards.) Click the image below to view my full review of the trailer!

Again, do NOT try this at home. You sick fucks.

Wild Bill

I wish my name fit on my hands in nice neat block tattoos.

Though, not likely to see U.S. theaters until 2013 or later, I feel I must mention this movie to get some good old fashioned, State-side buzz going (Because I am soooo influential.. Right?!). Directed by Dexter Fletcher (Soap from Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels), Wild Bill sees a man (aptly) called Bill, just get out of prison. On his first day out, in a drunken stupor, he is dropped off at his 15 and 11 year old sons' house. He awakens into a world full of fatherhood, children, and social services.. Also, very bad guys, a haunting past, women, and an extreme propensity for beating the dick out of people with his "top class nutjob" ways. After one of his sons gets involved with the very bad guys from his past, Bill needs to choose between doing right by his son, which will send him back to prison, no doubt.. Or bounce, and kick his son out of the nest, and let him grow up the hard way: screaming all the way to the ground. ..And then crying.. Because that's what kids do.. They're rubbish. (Actually, the kids in this movie look like they would be the piss out of me and I'm fucking 31.) The trailer makes the movie look super clever and slick. This movie should prove to be another in a long line of great British flicks. Check it out, sight?(click image below for their Official Facebook page!)

The new face of ideal parenting.

March 30th is right around the corner and there isn’t much coming out. For the sake of argument, let's say you wind up going to the theater anyway:

Wrath of the Titans

It's the 3D that I can't wait for! (He said sarcastically.)

Now here's a sequel that just really didn't need to be made. Even in 1984, when they kicked around the idea for a sequel to the original, they decided, "Nah.. we said everything we needed to say." The remake wasn't much of a better idea, either. Plus, it most definitely didn't need to be in 3D. As my friend, Joey Vee once said: "Who wants to see the Avatar fly a Pegasus to fight the Cloverfield monster?" I mean, I kind of did at first. What a great idea, right?! But then I saw it and felt a little dirty. And cheated. And then immediately dirty again. I've been reading around and it looks like they changed the director, as well as the three previous screenplay writers. Liam Neeson comes back, along with Ralph Fiennes, AND Danny Huston.. Plus Bill Nighy joins the cast, which is always exciting to me. All in all, I guess this sequel at least has SOME potential. Time will tell.. Just as long as Liam Neeson gets to say something fun, like, "Now is not the time for dick measuring, Kronos!"

So help Zeus, if the Titans take even ONE of his, like, 600 daughters!

Mirror Mirror

With terrible puns like "Snow Wonder", we can't lose!

Snow White is one of those gruesome tales by the Brothers Grimm that we, as a planet, will never, ever, ever, ever, EVER, EVER, EVER get tired of. (Sigh) This is probably why there are about 300 adaptations of the story entertaining the world with its message of, "If you are pretty, someone will try to murder you." This version seems a bit more light-hearted than most tales of Snow and her band of merry men (Dwarves). There's a bit of wry humor and sarcasm in everything the Queen (Julia Roberts) says.. Kind of like if Janeane Garofalo were a foot taller and had a better agent. Lily Collins gets a turn at playing Snow White, and she seems to hold her own. Snow's portrayed as a bandit leader, rather than the damsel-in-distress she always is. All in all, this new-but-old take on the story should get fans just interested enough in Snow White again for Charlize Theron and Kristen Stewart to vacuum up the rest of the money in these kids' pockets this summer.

MORTAL KOMBAT!!!

Goon

The only problem with punching Destiny in the face, are the bouncers. That, and you're punching a woman.. you fuck.

Closing us out is the indie comedy called Goon. Seann William Scott plays Doug "The Thug" Glatt. Doug is just a regular fella: He hates his over achieving family, he likes hockey, he loves his friends, and he's got a wicked streak of rage and violence pent up. He's kind of like a monkey from 28 Days Later, except he doesn't infect anyone with anything except a loss of teeth and blood. Doug is approached to join the local hockey team as an enforcer after the coach witnesses Doug defending his friend from a rival player's attack. He agrees to join, and what ensues, takes the hockey world by storm. A violent, ill-tempered storm. Just when the trailer gets going, a new element is introduced: Liev Schreiber shows up as Doug's Canadian foil. Liev Schreiber is one of my favorite actors in the history of snarky commenting actors, who should all just sit down and watch every movie he's ever done and take notes. (The Scream series, Phantoms, Sphere, X-Men Origins: Wolverine.. Okay.. Maybe you can skip Wolverine.) In Goon, Schreiber plays Ross "The Boss" Rhea, a rival enforcer, and the most feared man in the league. The two goons (eh, did you see what I did there?) will come face to face in what will be sure to be the fight of their painful lives. This is written by actor Jay Baruchel (Who also stars) and Evan Goldberg (Superbad co-writer), so I have no doubts this will be hilarious.

Not every hockey fan or player is a douche bag.. But every douche bag I know likes or plays hockey.

Final Verdict: (as interpreted by Monopoly squares!)The Hunger Games: This is definitely the Boardwalk of the whole month. Prime real estate and I have a feeling that these guys are going to make a mint! But it's going to cost an arm and a leg to make it.The Raid: Redemption: Go! As in go see this fucking movie as soon as you are able!!!!Wild Bill: I don't know much, and I don't want to start nothing.. but in the UK version, Whitechapel is actually in the East End.. so we're going for that. Plus, the place just sounds hard. Boosh.Wrath of the Titans: This is leaning toward Baltic Avenue in my books, but just might creep around to St. Charles Place. Not prime real estate.. but it'll net some moneys.Mirror Mirror: A fun jaunty visit to a familiar place.. the Just Visiting line of Jail seems appropriate.Goon: Go to Jail, yo: Violent thugs, beating the shit out of each other. But what a fun way to get there!

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