Fuck You: Year-end (or World-end) edition

If you’re reading this, the world hasn’t ended…yet. The Mayans didn’t say what time the end would come, or in what time zone, but let’s assume we have at least a few more hours. If the world does explode today, I want to say farewell with a Fuck You medley.

Fuck you, gun nuts. Fuck you and your arguments about how owning assault weapons protects us from tyranny. The United States has the biggest arsenal on the planet. If the government wanted to subdue the masses, do you honestly think a semi-automatic rifle would help you? You could have a Howitzer in your front yard and it wouldn’t matter. And you morons truly believe that arming everyone would prevent horrific shootings like the one in Newtown?? Rot in hell, you twisted, deranged scumbags.

Fuck you, cottage cheese. I despise you. I truly do. If I were stranded somewhere and you were the only thing available to eat, I’d starve to death. You’re disgusting. You have icky curds and a funky aroma, and I still have PTSD from the one time I tried you. People say you’re a good, healthy snack. I disagree. You’re nasty, and I hope you become someone’s prison bitch.

Fuck you, cancer.You miserable fucking mutants. You’ve killed millions of people. You’ve tried to take out members of my family. What is your fucking problem? As long as I’m alive, I vow to fight you. I will make sure everyone I know is vigilant about keeping you away and getting rid of you as fast as possible. Drop dead.

Fuck you, Tom Cruise. I hate you. You’re a shitty actor and you’re insane. And your voice annoys the shit out of me. By the way, you’re about as suited to play Jack Reacher as I am. Fuck you. For the love of Xenu, go to the Scientology compound and stay there. Permanently. Do not speak or show yourself in public ever again. You suck.

Fuck you, CEOs. You’re greedy, evil motherfuckers. You’ve destroyed so many lives with your callous disregard for your employees and your customers. You’re soulless vultures who would sell your families for a few extra bucks. I want to be there when the Universe doles out your karmic retribution. I would mock you, laugh heartily, and eat popcorn while you suffered the slings and arrows of your outrageous fortune, as it were. Blow me.

Fuck you, man sitting behind me on the plane. You couldn’t gently put your tray back up—no, you had to slam it into the back of my seat. Were you trying to give me whiplash or was that just a bonus? And then you grabbed my seat back to hoist yourself up every time you changed positions. Asswipe. I reclined my seat in hopes of pissing you off but you didn’t seem to mind. That just pissed me off more. If I ever see you again, I will cut you into teeny tiny pieces.

Fuck you, dickwad standing behind me on line at the ATM. Do you always stand that close to people you don’t know? What the fuck is wrong with you? You should have at least bought me a drink or asked for my name before you crawled up my ass. I have three words for you: Personal space, motherfucker.

(Also, I really will be blogging about my party with Darla, Calahan, and Joe—as soon as the dust settles from Armageddon.)

Ah can I suggest while reading this you play ‘Fuck the world’ by Insane Clown Posse? It goes ever so well and I do love the sentiment of both. Madame Weebles you do make me giggle…I think I love you for the laughter you bring to my life! xxx

Wouldn’t it be awesome if today were not the end of the World, but rather the end of all the things on your list today? I especially vote for the guy in the airplane seat behind me (every time that happens, I swear I have to do everything in my power to control my Scorpio death ray from taking him or her out. They have no idea how lucky they are to be alive…). Can’t wait to read the account of the tea party.

Except for cottage cheese, I’m with you all the way, Weebles. (My wife thinks I’m insane for liking cottage cheese, too. Come to think of it, everyone I know thinks I’m insane for liking cottage cheese.) By the way, if you wish to read perhaps the funniest cottage cheese rant there ever was or will be, I recommned Bill Bryson’s “The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid.” The book is funny for many other reasons, too.

This post — no joke — really put me in the holiday spirit. You got me to laugh in the face of evil things (and, yes, poor, defenseless cottage cheese) and I’m now in a great mood.

Mr. Weebles likes cottage cheese too, Mike. You’re not alone. I’ll have to check out Bill Bryson’s book, he’s funny. I’m glad this post put you in the holiday mood—too bad the one after it sort of harshed your mellow. But if you read the post AFTER that one, then hopefully it put you back in the mood again.

LOL Rum-A-Lum-A-Lum! Just decided to do a Christmas contest, working on it now!! Soon I’ll be saying, “let the reindeer games begin!” I’ll give you hint. Bobcat Goldthwait inspired it. You are some kind of superstar Madame! mwah!

I am so very deeply offended right now, I’m not sure what to even say. I mean….what has this world come to? Sure, Tom Cruise is crazy. People who really like guns are the same people who have kids with entitlement issues. Cancer sucks! Sucks Balls!! The Have’s are doing a wonderful job at holding on to what they have. But….why? Why do you have to go on and attack something that is apart of the greatest family in the world? Cottage Cheese is magnificent. I say good day.

I knew I was running the risk of greatly offending someone… Oh, Brother Jon, what can I tell you. I know your feelings about cheese. I do. I understand your pain. When people speak badly of pickles and olives, a little part of me dies. But cottage cheese is just… no.

You know, I wrote my rant and by the end it had transformed into something completely different. As I wrote, layer upon layer of anger and hate peeled back to reveal some very deep and personal pain that I was denying. Too personal event to reveal on my blog due to the ramifications of posting those thoughts. There are some things for now, I will be forced to keep within. For now, my rant will remain unwritten. Though I’d be happy to go off about a recent Christmas Newsletter I received. 😉

I salute all of these!
Oh, and sorry about the plane seat thing… and the ATM… only, once I’d got your scent on the flight I had to follow you… just for a few hours… okay, days… and I won’t do it again… but oh you smelled good…
hehehe 😈

You had a party and Calahan was there? I am so fucking jealous. For the record, the last one about the ATM was so great I actually said, “I love you” out loud to the computer screen. It was meant for you, but now looking back it was really just weird. I still love you though.

And of course I love you too. But you can love your computer screen too, I don’t judge. Calahan is a WILD MAN, by the way. He led the conga line, consumed about 20 jello shots, and then he and I did some lines of coke off a hooker’s ass. It was a crazy scene. And seriously, people who stand that close at ATMs deserve mass quantities of scorn.

Welcome back! I had a dream about you last night. Please don’t get offended but it was only a dream, but you were a black woman with an afro. You’re pretty as you are but you looked pretty black too. It’s crazy the way dreams are! See you later…

Hi Jots! This is an excellent and extremely interesting question. I guess I’d have to say I have more of an Elizabethan temperament, with regard to both the queen and the era. Although I find the Victorian era much more interesting personally.

Actually, Madame W…my question was rhetorical with a wee bit (well, perhaps a lot) of sarcastic humour. My apologies…
However, you have now been elevated (in Jots infamous Book) from Madame to Queen W. No shit.

Fuck you drug companies – there are alternatives to prescribed drugs for so many conditions, physical and psychological, but you’re not interested in cognitive behavioural therapy or herbal remedies because there aint no profit in it for you! So Fuck You!

I knew instinctively that i would love your Space Madame Weebles you have such a wickedly excellent sense of humour and I really like that 🙂 😉

I also like this little quote of yours “Icky Curds and a Funky Aroma” which could easily fit the description of Batman’s sidekicks underpants, I mean that Robin stinks in so many different ways don’t you think? 😦 Icky 😉 lmao xxx