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Saturday, October 3, 2009

Titties

HOORAY FOR TITTIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current mood: irate Category: Life Why oh why are titties such a huge deal here in the US? I came across the following article about the cover of Babytalk magazine:

In the second paragraph of the article, one reader says: "I was offended and it made my husband very uncomfortable when I left the magazine on the coffee table." Uh...yeah lady...he was uncomfortable because his dick was hard. It's called a boner. Say it with me, B-O-N-E-R. Newsflash: Men are attracted to orbs. They are hard-wired for this. This will never change. This is natural and necessary for the propagation of the species. You'd know this if you read books.

The nipple isnt even showing in the offending picture. The baby certainly looks happy. But to the baby -- its simply lunch.

Most European beaches are either nude or at the very least topless. Jamaica has a topless & nude beach, so do Bonaire & Aruba. Men and women in this country seem to be in a state of titty-denial. It's just a nice natural way to sunbathe. Why are Americans so tight-assed about seeing a titty? It's not a big deal. Hell, when I go on beach vacations, I set my knockers free. If you dont like it, dont look! As for the crucifixion of Janet Jackson for showing her titty at the Super Bowl? Think about it. The FCC made sweeping changes...all because of one titty. Aren't there more serious things to worry about in the world than a titty?

I saw a PBS presentation of Moll Flanders starring Alex Kingston some years ago and during a couple of love scenes; you got a glimpse of her titties. Now I expected the PBS crowd to be a bit more sophisticated...uh uh. PBS was scheduled to re-run this wonderful show and cancelled due to...yep...you guessed it. Outrage over those two brief shots of titty!

I'm a straight girl and I think tits are beautiful...well natural non-synthetic tits anyway. Small, medium, large or godhead...they're all beautiful. Ask your average straight OR gay man and they think the world of tits. But heaven forbid we show them anywhere else but in a porno movie or mag. Why not? What are we protecting our kids from? European kids grow up seeing tits on TV and they don't seem to be any worse for it.

Most American males had to subscribe to National Geographic to see a titty. Which...by the way...the last time I watched a show on the National Geographic channel...they had pixilated the titties of the autochthonous tribe of wherever. Sigh...it's just a titty. Fatty, bouncy mammary glands. What have titties done to deserve such scorn and contempt? Did a titty bomb Pearl Harbor? No. Did a titty kill Jesus? No. Did a titty create the TV show Cop Rock? No.

Well maybe French kids are worse off for their titty exposure. Wearing berets, listening to accordion music and fuckin mimes. Who hasn't wanted to kick a mime in the nuts just to see his wordless ball-aching gestures? Maybe that's what corrupted their culture. The Naked Breast. I'd rather free my tits and eat good ole French fries than cover my tits and eat Freedom fries.

I still don't understand why a lot of women aren't satisfied with the tits nature gave you. Do you have two? Celebrate them! Some women aren't that fortunate! Ever hear of breast cancer? Don't mutilate your bodies to fit into some kind of unrealistic body image. Reject it. Send that boob job money to UNICEF or the Peace Corp and help save the world! Be happy with who you are. Love yourself as is.

Is the titty truly responsible for the fall of Rome or Western Civilization? Lets see...Osama, Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Pinochet, Saddam, and Milosevic...not one titty in the bunch! Maybe we need MORE titties. Hell I bet the Middle East wouldnt be as fucked up if the men there weren't forced into fucking goats because their religion forbids a good titty fuck or Allah forbid...sex! Course I've never actually seen a goat titty...maybe they are more attractive than human titties. After all, who am I to judge? Cow titties are just plain weird looking. Maybe if Hitler, Stalin and his fellow mass murdering fuckheads could have benefited from sucking a few tits! If it would stop the wars of this world, Ill gladly sign up and volunteer my tits! Osama, don't blow that up, here...feast on this titty instead. Incidentally, I also heard Osama has a mad-crush-love jones on Whitney Houston. Hey Witney! Put the crack pipe down and do something for your country!

I read somewhere that there will never, EVER be peace in the world until power is shared equally with women/aka The Titties. This would seem to make sense in light of the fact that the Middle East is always in a state of low boil. THEY NEED MORE TITTIES IN POWER!

So lift your glass of milk high in salute of TITTIES!!! Say it with me, "HOORAY FOR TITTIES!!!"