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Q: I have been dating a wonderful man for about a year now. He was with his wife for 30 years and then lost her to cancer, and a few months after that, we began dating. We are very happy, but I can’t help feeling like he isn’t fully healed from his loss. He refuses to move his wife’s belongings out of the house (her purse even sat on the counter until recently), and he doesn’t sleep in their bedroom anymore. (I am not even allowed in it.) Instead, we stay at my place or in his guest bedroom. I don’t think I can continue on this way indefinitely. Is he still in love with his wife or is this part of a normal grieving process?

A: When it comes to grieving, there is really no such thing as normal. Everyone deals with loss differently, and the loss of a partner with whom you have been with for 30 years is no doubt devastating and heartbreaking. And, truthfully, even after you lose someone, you don’t lose your feelings for them, so perhaps your partner is still in love with his wife in some way. However, that doesn’t mean that he will never be able to move on or that he doesn’t love you.

It does sound as though he is still working through his feelings of loss. After 30 years with a partner, it can be hard to simply move on, particularly after just a couple of months. This doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with your relationship, but it does mean that he might not be exactly where you need him to be. Getting rid of a loved one’s belongings after a death is always a painful process, and it sounds as though he is not ready to take that step yet, no matter how much you might want him to. That’s also likely why he no longer sleeps in their old bedroom and why he doesn’t want to spend the night with you in there either. He might feel as though he is being unfaithful to his wife (even though she is gone), or he simply might not be able to process the idea of having a different woman in the marriage bed he shared with his wife for so many years.

While all of those feelings are okay, it sounds as though you aren’t okay. The best thing to do is address the issue head-on, rather than nag him. For example, instead of harping on him not getting rid of her belongings, explain how it makes you feel. Source your feelings and stick to the facts. For example, “I know that you might not be ready to put your wife’s things away, but it makes me scared and sad because I worry that you aren’t going to be able to move on and that I will never be worthy of equal love and attention.”

Simply getting those feelings out there is a healing and powerful thing to do, and it can help to keep the communication lines open as he endures this painful time. But, remember, you ultimately need to put yourself first and practice good self-care, so if this relationship is harmful to your mood and self-worth, then it might not be the best choice for you. Only you can know what is right for you, so talk to your partner and figure out what is best for your health and happiness.

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