FDA Declares Fingernails Protein in School Lunches

During the Reagan Administration, ketchup on hamburgers was officially declared a vegetable. In the Clinton years, corn chips with cheese sauce and pinto beans (nachos) became acceptable in school lunch programs as a main dish, fulling grain, dairy, and protein requirements. Now, late in the Bush administration, the F.D.A. has determined that fingernails will qualify as a protein.

Students eating the school lunch program will be required to chew their nails (5 during the breakfast program, 5 during the lunch program, and any five toes in an optional after school program).

This will, of course, lower the amount of meat and/or beans the school will be required to provide. Benefits will include reducing costs of the lunch program and keeping children from biting their nails during class.

The F.D.A. (Food and Drug Administration) is still considering whether or not to allow hair found in food to be considered a protein. As children and cafeteria workers have different amounts and lengths of hair, they do not want it to be considered discriminatory or put one group of students at an advantage. They have tabled this decision until the next administration, when they will add it to the agenda of their first cabinet meeting.

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