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Thursday, September 8, 2016

I have wanted for so long to take to my keyboard and let the emotions run out of me. But as usual, I push it down and make watching TV, playing on my phone or sleeping the priority. My ways of escape, of not dealing with all the flying crap going on right now. I broke for a moment over the weekend, let the tears flow but what good are my tears? My tears can't bring my Grandma back from losing it (dementia, Alzheimers, no nailed down diagnosis at this point). She now resides in a nursing home, her worst fear I am sure. She is angry and confused and no matter how many times it is explained, she forgets. I want to be there. I want to sit and cry and be angry with her. That is not really an option at this point, as we prepare to welcome our second child and deal with my sister being engaged to a man in jail who has no regard for anyone but himself. I don't know how to deal. I have always, always struggled to deal with the hard stuff. I always make bad choices and make it about me. I am old enough now to know better. Yet I find myself eating and being lazy to deal with the stress and sadness. Sulking. I just want the days to stop blurring together. To feel like one thing is in my control.