great guy but does not work out because of family? Break up or hang in ?? Help!

I am in a sticky situation and really dont know what to do. i (32) am with my fiance(42) for 4 years now and he lives in his house with his parents and sister and her 25 year old daughter. the house is big and i love his parents.he is not a mama boy – he actually takes care of them – his father had cancer and is now 100% better and mother has alzheimers.

Now his sister and her daughter are another story – they supposedly dont have any money but go on shopping trips and vacations more than we do in 2 years!! On top of that they are total slobs and their room is piled up with boxes and bozes of stuff ( ever seen hoarders on tv?).

they only pay him a minimum of 300 rent including all costs. So i dont see them moving out ever. who wants to leave a place they can almost live for free?

I am supposed to move in. I currently live in an apartment paying 900 dollars. My fiance thinks i should move in since we should marry and start a family. But i am scared to – i dont want to live with his sister and her daughter. i hate them. would i have to clean after them? hell no

problem is, everytime i try to talk to my fiance about his sister and niece he actually defends them!! he said – well, if you move in i am sure they move out. i dont think so and dont know what to do. He complains about high electricity bills etc and when i say, well charge your sister more rent he defends her and gets angry,

the house is paid for (3500sf) and he does not want to buy another house only for me and him.

i also dont understand why his sister doesnt have the common sense of letting her brother have his chance of having his own family and move the heck out.

@lowesflower: I would not want to move in with my entire in-law family either, so this is definitely a tough situation. However, it is one you knew existed when you said yes, so breaking up right now seems a bit over zealous.

I give your FI props for stepping up to the plate, and helping his parents. I would say, as a lot of men are the same way, not stepping on his sister’s toes is because he probably has too much to deal with, and does not need one more ‘headache’.

With that said, I think your opinions (as an outsider looking in) are valid, and very ‘sensical’. Of course she SHOULD be paying more, and contributing more, and at the very least keeping the living space CLEAN. However, I think in living there with them all, your opinions will become more ‘valid’. You will be in it, and so, if/when you look at the budget, and realize you guys are spending wayyyy more, and cleaning wayyy more, then working with your FI to rectify it will be important.

This is where you need to have the conversation NOW regarding boundaries, time lines, expectations, etc. If you do this, then you need to know HE has your back, that you two are in this together, and definitely working toward building a future together. In doing so, the expectation for living as one big happy family is X amount of time, and then you will want a home together, with just you two. And finally, you are not going to be anybody’s cook, maid, or ATM. If you are going to co-habitate with roommates, then I think it is fair everyone pitches in!

Oh, and PS, his sister probably has common sense, but since your FI has maybe enabled her quite a bit, she is using her common sense by not pushing him out the door with you. I.e., your FI is accountable, and capable for making his own decisions!! Good luck!

Your position is a tough one to be in. Let me just say, I would not hold your breath hoping your FSIL and daughter will be the bigger person and do the right thing by leaving your FI’s home. If anything, they will most likely raise all holy hell if any changes are made to their living situation. I absolutely agree with the previous bee, your FI has enabled his sister WAY too long and her bad behavior is a result of coddling her too much.

If I were you, I’d definitely have a serious discussion with your FI. I definitely would not move into your FI’s home until you both reach a compromise and have some FIRM boundaries in place about your FSIL and his parents (but mainly your FSIL). The reason why I’m saying that is, your FI is going to WANT you to move in with him and be close, so I would use that as leverage/encouragement for him to start really thinking about and get into his head that his living HAS to change before you enter the picture. Just remember once you move into his home, it’s been my experience that men are less likely to make any changes once they’re comfortable and know you’re always going to be there. Reiterate to him that the two of you will now be his main family unit, and even though he loves his family, his FIRST responsibility and priority should always be you and your relationship. I would completely cut out any nagging or complaining about his sister, and instead, when he’s in a good mood tell him in a loving yet firm way that you are super excited & eager to begin your lives together, but you are uncomfortable and cannot live in a toxic environment with the FSIL and her daughter. With that many women in this house, there are waayyy too many cooks in the kitchen. The FSIL may try to establish that she’s the “alpha” and that your FI’s house is HER home and try to relegate you as a “guest” rather than you being his wife and joint owner of his home. Don’t lose heart if your FI grumbles and puts up a tantrum about having to make any changes, this is super important that you yourself don’t cave in and settle for less than. He’s gotten “comfortable” keeping the peace by letting his sister get away with a lot of crap, and it’s not going to be easy living in his home once he stirs the hornet’s nest and tells his sister she will have to move out.

Stay strong and positive my friend! You knew going into this relationship the toxic living situation your FI has created in his home, so you know it’s not going to change overnight. Keep your head up and if you need any support you can always count on the Bee to be there for you!