Normally Radio NZ National’s The Panel is a pretty sound — if somewhat fluffy — current affairs show, in which the panelists are ideologically fairly diverse (though not occupationally diverse; mostly celebrities, PR flacks, or newspaper columnists). They tend to leave aside their more extravagant views to engage in a fairly civil and reasoned manner.

But when The Panel happens to have two people of similar ideological views or a common background, it tends to turn into an echo-chamber of congratulatory backslapping. Today it’s nothing more than talkback for self-righteous wealthy middle-aged people who — since they’re listening to National Radio — think talkback is beneath them, but like to have a good whinge about how society’s going to the dogs anyway. The guests are private investigator Julia Hartley Moore and former cop and current Police Ten-7 presenter Graham Bell, and the topics for discussion (and general timbre) are as follows (From memory, so I may omit some, but you get the idea):

TV harmful for very young children: “We never had TV in my day, we went outside! Parents are using TV as a babysitter! Never did that in my day! TV is rotting childrens’ brains! There’s no excuse for ever doing anything other than what’s perfect, we always did!”

Cellphones used to arrange and record fights: “I told you cellphones were bad, never come to any good, those things. We never had cellphones in my day, and even if we had them we’d never have gotten into fights. And even when we got into fights, it was all posturing, really, and nobody ever actually got hurt. It’s the parents’ fault, letting their kids watch TV.”

Kent State massacre 40th anniversary: “Yeah, that was pretty bad.”

People throwing litter from cars: “I can’t believe people do that, and people with flash cars as well! Never would have happened in my day.”

Young people should be allowed to drink because they can vote and fight for their country: “I don’t think they should be allowed to do any of those things! In my day we got a bit pissed, and some of us still do, but that was different. These new alco-pops are ruining society! I blame the parents, what are they doing about this? Disgraceful.”

No service at service stations: “PC OSH nanny state gone mad! Old ladies having to check their own oil and water? Total bollocks! Teenaged attendants who only take your money, was never like that in my day. And don’t get me started on pre-pay pumps…”

Hypochondria: “I blame the internet, and the expectation that the medical profession can just provide a magical pill which will fix everything!”

Roman Polanski reckons he’s done his time for drugging and raping a 13 year-old girl: “No way, he’s been living the good life. Throw the book at him — hang him high!”

Well, I sort of agree with the last one. But this is the sort of reactionary love-fest we expect from the rest of the opinion media, not from Radio NZ. It’s not the conservatism I can’t stand; it’s the absence of reflection and the naïve belief that the world really is that simple.

Update: To demonstrate the extent to which I’m not exaggerating, you can listenhere.

Buy Robyn Kippenberger an atlas, and a history of New Zealand. The chief executive of the RNZSPCA was on The Panel (audio; starts at about 06:15) this afternoon talking about the killing and eating of dogs, as opposed to other critters. Quoth Ms Kippenberger:

I think it’s generally agreed that we have companion animals in European countries, and we don’t eat them. […] I guess that New Zealand is a country that is largely European, and Māori, and none of us eat our dogs. And we’re also … and that’s the main culture in this country. […] I mean, if you want to eat dog, then go to Viet Nam, or go to China, or indeed, maybe go to Tonga.

In the immortal words of that noted killer and eater of critters, Barry Crump: hang on a minute mate. I have a few questions for Ms Kippenberger. In no particular order:

Who’s this ‘we’ you’re presuming to speak for, again, and who gave you the right to speak for them?

Since when was New Zealand a ‘European’ country? It’s in the South Pacific; the same part of the world as Tonga, incidentally.

Given that Māori brought dogs with them to Aotearoa for the express purpose of eating them, how exactly is it culturally offensive for Māori?

Upon what basis do you define ‘New Zealander’ as excluding Chinese, Viet Namese and Tongan people?

Why do you presume to go on the radio and talk about matters on which you are clearly not informed (viz: geography, Māori history, cultural identity and multiculturalism)?

She goes on:

What we’re saying is, it’s culturally insensitive to do it here. Other cultures tell us what is culturally insensitive to do in their countries. I don’t think that it’s anything other than giving people the heads-up that if they live in this country, actually, we don’t like what they’re doing if they do that.

The underlying discourse here is something along the lines of:

The whole world is PC and everyone gets to have their meddling way, telling us what we can and can’t do, so us whitebread suburban honkey hand-wringers are going to take this chance to draw a line in the sand, to the north of Asians and Islanders, and to the south of Māori (but not Māori as they actually are; but only as we feel like we are supposed to think of them, as rather like us, only brown).

(My words, not hers).

Yes, many New Zealanders object to the killing and eating of pets, particularly dogs. But liberal, multicultural society is quite capable of handling these differences internally. The SPCA is not an agency of cultural arbitration; as Ms Kippenberger has so aptly demonstrated, it is not equipped to be such an agency. Even the CEO doesn’t have the skills or inclination to come up with any better argument than assimilative monoculturalism, and can’t even get the most basic facts and logic of that feeble and reactionary argument right. Its mandate should be limited to those things it knows about – advocating against cruelty to animals while they’re alive, for example. There’s no argument here that the animal was treated cruelly, so the SPCA has no business being involved.

Animal rights and welfare activists should be likewise angered by this. Ms Kippenberger, who ought to be a champion of your cause, has demonstrated that it is led by fools whose attitude to cultural difference is ‘go back to the Islands’.