Surprise surprise, its shite. I could've told you that from the trailer, still kudos to Empire for finally having the balls enough to slay piss such as this and Transformers. Long may it continue.

Qwerty Norris -> RE: Go Empire! (11/4/2012 1:50:27 AM)

quote:

Verdict Miss.

[:D]

Wild about Wilder -> RE: Be brave and give it one star! (11/4/2012 1:29:32 PM)

Not surprised really. Never have I heard of such a big exspensive blockbuster get so little or infact anything talked about it in these forums. You can tell it was from the Transformers stable just by listening to it just replace ships for robots. Poor old Taylor couple of months ago must've thought the World was his oyster now look at it. OI![sm=34.gif]

Super Hans -> RE: Battleship (11/4/2012 2:04:33 PM)

Never a good sign when there's no review until release date, and even then this would-be major blockbuster is nestled quietly in the "also released" part[:D].

This is probably going to branded as not being constructive, but I'm glad it's getting shit reviews and I hope it dies a death at the box office. It's the very pinnacle of Hollywood idiots trying to adapt every story, toy or concept they can, no matter how ludicrous, and they have to realise that it won't wash!

UTB -> RE: Battleship (11/4/2012 2:27:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Super Hans

I'm glad it's getting shit reviews and I hope it dies a death at the box office. It's the very pinnacle of Hollywood idiots trying to adapt every story, toy or concept they can, no matter how ludicrous, and they have to realise that it won't wash!

None of the above will stop it from making a load of dosh (why do you think they stuck Rihanna in it?) so they will just keep on doing it.

Deviation -> RE: Battleship (11/4/2012 2:39:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: UTB

quote:

ORIGINAL: Super Hans

I'm glad it's getting shit reviews and I hope it dies a death at the box office. It's the very pinnacle of Hollywood idiots trying to adapt every story, toy or concept they can, no matter how ludicrous, and they have to realise that it won't wash!

None of the above will stop it from making a load of dosh (why do you think they stuck Rihanna in it?) so they will just keep on doing it.

Dunno, it could bomb. It's only been the most ridiculed movie since John.......oh what am I saying...

Emyr Thy King -> RE: Battleship (11/4/2012 2:51:14 PM)

" 'berg dead ahead! Give it here, before we"....*clang*..

Unfortunately it looks like Mr. Berg has steered the franchise from the murky depths of mediocrity into an iceberg of certain cinematic death? Perhaps a tad inappropriate to make such a comment given the anniversary of the Titanic's sinking, alas almost unavoidable (again sorry). I was going to write a prospective review giving the film two stars with either Empire bogeyman Dan Jolin or Nick de Semlyen (should get that name changed, any confusion with Salmonella whilst unfortunate is inevitable) rubbishing the plot, giving feint praise for the action (nods to Bayhem) with snorty derisions against perceived American jingoism and berating a film so flat on character(s), it would put a tortilla flatbreads to shame.

Initially I was looking forward to the film. It doesn't matter what the source material is as it's always inherently ridiculous. But after the first trailer, which has a nice stand-off scene I did think we'd be diving into Transformers territory. Which is a facile thing to do but seeing as Hasbro are involved here, a bit difficult to ignore. Looks like we're right. I think given the potential for a tense and claustrophobic 'cat and mouse' film with hints of fog-of-war at sea, they've missed the mark here. Shame!

Still, there's bound to be some fun to be 'ad and seeing naval warships giving E.T an interstellar broadside can't be too bad a thing. As long as the film's honest in what it represents (and to be fair to Berg, he's admitted it's a "popcorn summer film") then I don't think we should be surprised. I'm going to see it next week regardless. [:D]

adambatman82 -> RE: Battleship (11/4/2012 3:50:46 PM)

I saw the film this morning and was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. It's no masterpiece, but I certainly don't think its any worse than the other two big blockbusters that we've had so far in 2012.

adambatman82 -> RE: Battleship (11/4/2012 3:58:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Emyr Thy King

Initially I was looking forward to the film. It doesn't matter what the source material is as it's always inherently ridiculous. But after the first trailer, which has a nice stand-off scene I did think we'd be diving into Transformers territory. Which is a facile thing to do but seeing as Hasbro are involved here, a bit difficult to ignore. Looks like we're right.

I hated the Transformers films. Absolutely despised them. The first one is still the only film I've ever walked out of, and my review of the third film actually saw me receive death threats after I published the first negative review of it. Alas, I genuinely didn't think that Battleship was anything like it.

It's not jingoistic, militaristic or fetishistic like the TF films for one, which, in my opinion, are the greatest problems with the Bay flicks. It doesn't feel as though the director is tossing himself off over a helicopter behind the camera. In fact, its a pretty old fashioned blockbuster, with the tone planted firmly in the cartoonish. There's very little in the way of propagandist undertones, and Berg is in on any gag thats on screen. As I said in my previous comment we're not talking masterpiece here, but this is a solid little blockbuster of the ilk that hollywood has always churned out.

Gretzky -> RE: Battleship (11/4/2012 4:22:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: adambatman82

quote:

ORIGINAL: Emyr Thy King

Initially I was looking forward to the film. It doesn't matter what the source material is as it's always inherently ridiculous. But after the first trailer, which has a nice stand-off scene I did think we'd be diving into Transformers territory. Which is a facile thing to do but seeing as Hasbro are involved here, a bit difficult to ignore. Looks like we're right.

I hated the Transformers films. Absolutely despised them. The first one is still the only film I've ever walked out of, and my review of the third film actually saw me receive death threats after I published the first negative review of it. Alas, I genuinely didn't think that Battleship was anything like it.

It's not jingoistic, militaristic or fetishistic like the TF films for one, which, in my opinion, are the greatest problems with the Bay flicks. It doesn't feel as though the director is tossing himself off over a helicopter behind the camera. In fact, its a pretty old fashioned blockbuster, with the tone planted firmly in the cartoonish. There's very little in the way of propagandist undertones, and Berg is in on any gag thats on screen. As I said in my previous comment we're not talking masterpiece here, but this is a solid little blockbuster of the ilk that hollywood has always churned out.

Yes, key point being Berg knows exactly what he's doing. Some critics seem to have taken what he's done at face value and believe it's being done in all seriousness. Certain key moments are so playfully absurd I can't believe anyone would believe Berg is trying to be serious with them. He's inviting us to play along with him as he covers off all the cliches and slow-mos. I thought it was great fun and just what I wanted and expected it to be. Great sense of humour at times too.

Bighousewill -> RE: Battleship (11/4/2012 5:12:43 PM)

quote:

I think people have read this review before seeing the film and want to jump on the haters bandwagon so they can feel like film a connoisseur. This film is what it is, and is actually really good fun if you want to play along. I like all films and like a connoisseur appreciate fine film making but I also eat McDonald's from time to time if you catch my drift. This is what I would call a good popcorn movie and I'm not afraid to say when I think a film is good or bad and I don't let critics tell me what to think I never read the complete review until I've seen the film my self.

But in a nation with an obesity epidemic, it's really the last thing we need right now. Please God, no more brain dead crap.

Ignoring the fact that your analogy doesn't really work for one second, but the film really isn't "brain dead crap". What specifically was "brain dead" about it?

Hood_Man -> RE: Yes, another McDonalds movie (11/4/2012 5:46:17 PM)

I enjoyed this a lot more than the last two Transformers films, although to be fair I really didn't enjoy those films at all [:D]

HOWEVER... for a film that was willing to be silly enough to add conversations about the difference between Destroyers and Battleships, and use a big screen grid to blindly bomb the ocean for enemy warships, I think it's unforgivable that at no point did they include the line "they sunk my battleship!"

Some cool moments, plenty of explosions, but long boring stretches in between, I'd probably give it 2-3 starts out of 5. Not the complete disaster I feared it would be [:)]

HOWEVER... for a film that was willing to be silly enough to add conversations about the difference between Destroyers and Battleships, and use a big screen grid to blindly bomb the ocean for enemy warships, I think it's unforgivable that at no point did they include the line "they sunk my battleship!"

True, although one of the old guys (how weird was *that* turn of events?!) did say "You won't sink my battleship" or something along those lines.

matty_b -> RE: Empire got it wrong......... (11/4/2012 7:08:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: umer_ejaz

While I admire Empire for giving such an honest review, it looks as if Mr.de Semlyen has taken the movie too seriously

The movie is supposed to be a blockbuster, not an intelligent movie, not a movie which is supposed to be an award winning movie, it's a movie which is supposed to be a no brainer. It's definitely better than Transformers 3 by a long shot, much better on set pieces, better with the acting and most of the time very enjoyable to watch.

While it isn't Berg's finest directorial performance, I think he manages to steady himself quite well to not going to Bay's depths in terms of the action. I think it does what it sets out to do - entertain.

Verdict:

Very good entertaining movie, although at times clunky in the middle, it sets out to be a popcorn thriller

OK, who had post #27 in the draw?

Emyr Thy King -> RE: Battleship (11/4/2012 11:12:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: adambatman82 I hated the Transformers films. Absolutely despised them. The first one is still the only film I've ever walked out of, and my review of the third film actually saw me receive death threats after I published the first negative review of it. Alas, I genuinely didn't think that Battleship was anything like it.

It's not jingoistic, militaristic or fetishistic like the TF films for one, which, in my opinion, are the greatest problems with the Bay flicks. It doesn't feel as though the director is tossing himself off over a helicopter behind the camera. In fact, its a pretty old fashioned blockbuster, with the tone planted firmly in the cartoonish. There's very little in the way of propagandist undertones, and Berg is in on any gag thats on screen. As I said in my previous comment we're not talking masterpiece here, but this is a solid little blockbuster of the ilk that hollywood has always churned out.

That's funny, I think the only good Transformers film is the first!

I'm only basing my opinion on the Empire review and the glut of other critic reviews on Rotten Fruit. I think it's quite easy to get a measure of what the film will be like just from looking at the trailers. But as you say, that doesn't necessarily mean it will be as bad as its contemporaries. I hope that I'll enjoy the film, as I do quite like the alien invasion sub-genre. I just wished that had gone the more serious route with a focus on the tactical and tense side of close-range and 'blind' naval warfare.

Given what you've said, I am re-assured that the film won't be as bad as I initially thought after the first trailer. I still think there's a really good potential for alien invasion on the water, but it's just being used for generic fare here rather than something more adventurous and engaging. Are the battle scenes and visual effects at least impressive?

quote:

It doesn't feel as though the director is tossing himself off over a helicopter behind the camera.

ORIGINAL: Bighousewill I think people have read this review before seeing the film and want to jump on the haters bandwagon so they can feel like film a connoisseur. This film is what it is, and is actually really good fun if you want to play along. I like all films and like a connoisseur appreciate fine film making but I also eat McDonald's from time to time if you catch my drift. This is what I would call a good popcorn movie and I'm not afraid to say when I think a film is good or bad and I don't let critics tell me what to think I never read the complete review until I've seen the film my self.

As I've said above, I haven't seen the film yet but I think you're mixing your Wotsits with your Rice Crispies here. I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm not looking to gain favour with anyone nor do I have pretensions of being a film connoisseur. And I certainly wouldn't bring my guns to bear on a film at least until I've seen it. I'm hoping that I'll find the film entertaining at least, I just don't have very high expectations for it. But then perhaps that's what's needed? And I'm with you on being able to make my own mind up. I appreciate a review or at least another opinion on a film, to get other/further insights for instance. I think this film has a clear audience and for that audience, it will entertain at least. As for box office draw, it'll probably have limited appeal and so I imagine the coxwain's whistle won't be blowing for long.

quote:

ORIGINAL: thebackseatdirector

They must have known from the very first moment that Battleship would need, um, let’s just say a little vajazzle, to sex it up to Blockbuster status, as a post-war strategy game that needed ‘nowt but pencil and pad to play would not cut the Hollywood mustard.

And so jettisoned is anything that remotely makes the license worth, er, licensing, and we’re left with what might as well have been called The Navy! In an adventure with Aliens.

As I've said before, there's nothing wrong with expanding upon the central conceit of the boardgame (pitting wits with tactical plotting) and overlaying that onto a fully padded out story. I think given the right creative direction, it would make for a tense and engaging story. It's just a case of what story can the writer(s) be bothered to draw up. And in this day and age, it simply wouldn't work having Chinese or Russian antagonists. Or for that matter, some pan-Asian/Arabian confederation. So at least they've gone beyond the confines of the board game and chosen an extra-terrestrial opponent instead.

Rgirvan44 -> RE: Empire, you are too generous (12/4/2012 12:04:49 AM)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

What a piece of crap. The first 10 minutes promise a goofy fun movie. The rest is a bloated dumb mess. Just because the film isn't as stupid as the Transformers films does not give it a pass.

Its BIGH, DUMB AND STUPID, Lots of Yanks strutting there tuff and saving the planet once ahain from a alien invasion. Christ where would the world be with out the yanks.... its basicaly a hybrid of top gun with boats meets Transformes... and it to long, to boring, and basiacly shit.. I only saw it due to the fact that the girlfreind turned up late and we could get into Hunger Games.... 1 possibly 2 out of 5 stars

Looked absolute tripe from day one, and judging by the reviews - it's tripe! And to think Empire let it grace their front cover. Next up GI Joe 2, god help us...

mackey -> RE: Empire, you are too generous (12/4/2012 8:12:54 AM)

Having seen the film yesterday evening, and subsequently reading through this thread, there seems to be a debate generating about the intent of director Peter Berg. Some say he’s deliberately ticking off the clichés (and they are legion) and nudging us all in the audience as he’s doing it. This apparently elevates the movie above the level of ‘dross’. Assuming for a moment that this argument is correct, is there any excuse for the complete lack of wit within the join-the-dots plot? Or is the very fact that there is a complete lack of imagination at all part of Berg’s deeply humorous masterplan? Has he, in fact, duped the studio who gave him $200 million (or whatever monopoly-money budget) to put together an effects driven extravaganza? Did he deliberately hire awful screenwriters or satirical geniuses? Are these actors really that bad or are they part of Berg’s subversive troupe with a secret mission to infiltrate and destroy the mass production of joyless Bay-led monstrosities that bloat the multiplexes all year round? I really wish that was the case but I’m afraid to report that the ‘Battleship’ I watched didn’t display an ounce of irony. It was just so boring. That’s why the argument in favour of Berg’s ironic direction doesn’t work for me – surely it’s no use just displaying every cliché in the book if you’re actually trying to deride them? There has to be something smarter than that to support that argument in my view. The action and special effects mostly consisted of everything in sight being devoured by huge CGI fireballs and that was about it. Zero imagination or excitement from first minute to last. I don’t mind something being silly and over-the-top if it’s fun but ‘Battleship’ was no fun at all.

Invader_Ace -> RE: Hit! (12/4/2012 9:06:24 AM)

Absolute Pure Grade A Cheese. Loved it. Four Stars.

Seriously, give it a chance and go along for the ride, as long as you are prepared to enjoy it on it's own terms. I don't even think it's fair to hold this against the Transformers films which despite "their jokes" took themselves way too seriously, this film is definitly in on its own joke.

A couple of critisicms, the alien designs are as off the peg as can be and some of the scenes with the non-actors are a bit cringeworthy.

Invader_Ace -> RE: Hit! (12/4/2012 9:11:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: adambatman82

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hood_Man

HOWEVER... for a film that was willing to be silly enough to add conversations about the difference between Destroyers and Battleships, and use a big screen grid to blindly bomb the ocean for enemy warships, I think it's unforgivable that at no point did they include the line "they sunk my battleship!"

True, although one of the old guys (how weird was *that* turn of events?!) did say "You won't sink my battleship" or something along those lines.

Oh Yeah, forgot. Very dissapointing that at no point Neeson barked "You. Sunk. MY. BATTLESHIP!" *Punch* Although, the bit with the Double Amputee Guy made it up for it!

I think from the thread so far, this film is going to go the way of Torque, and only me and DONOVON KURTWOOD will ever like it!

paulyboy -> RE: Hit! (12/4/2012 10:36:16 AM)

**Minor Spoilers**

Somewhat split over this if I'm honest.

I was ready to write this off half way through, after a goofy opening (which was actually quite humerous) it settles back into a fairly dull groove for an hour or so, plenty happens, but it's lacking fizz somehow despite all the pyrotechnics.

Then the last 40 or so minutes happen, amputees start beating up aliens and retired naval officers ressurect the USS Missouri to the sounds of AC/DC's Thunderstruck. It's a ridiculous finale, but it's also relatively entertaining, injecting the film with some much needed energy.

So yeah, I guess I enjoyed it, kind of, maybe, I'm not sure. Oh and Empire, nothing wrong with a bit of cock rock.

2.5/5

Russ Whitfield -> RE: Battleship (12/4/2012 11:05:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jace007 I...Guy Pearce actioner, Lockout

Or "Escape from Earth" (but without Snake Plissken) as its otherwise known.

Dr Lenera -> RE: utter crap (12/4/2012 1:32:04 PM)

Out celebrating his birthday with his brother Stone, Alex Hopper tries to make a play for Samantha, a pretty woman sitting alone at the bar, and when the barman refuses to serve her a burrito breaks into a shop, which has just shut, to get her one. Because of incidents like these, the immature, wastrel Alex is talked by his brother into joining the navy. Sometime later, Alex is a lieutenant and in a relationship with Samantha, something her father, Admiral Shane, is unaware of. Meanwhile a planet has been discovered the same distance from its sun as Earth and two scientists send a signal to it. Big mistake. When both Alex and Stone embark on a training exercise from Pearl Harbour in which they are to practice fighting with the Japanese, strange metallic objects destroy half of Hong Kong and a huge force field appears in front of the ships, after which huge alien robots rise out of the sea……….

There is no doubt that alien invasion epics have been pretty poor of late, but, unlike I think some of my fellow critics on this site, I have a soft spot for the Transformers movies - seeing big robots duke it out really brings out the child in me – so I was rather looking forward to Battleship for quite a while, despite it apparently being based on a board game. Ships vs aliens? Seems like a simple but cool premise for a fun blockbuster action movie doesn’t it? Of late, I started to wonder if it was going to be another rubbishy effort like The Darkest Hour or Skyline, and early word on the movie does seem to be that it is poor. Well, I was wrong on both counts, because Battleship is neither especially good nor is it especially bad. For much of its length, I was certainly able to switch of my brain and enjoy the constant action it provides, though in the end it will still probably leave you shaking your head at its stupidity and it never quite becomes the good movie it threatens to.

The opening sequence, which asks the question: how far would you go to get a burrito for a woman you fancy?, is amusing but rather clumsy and it isn’t made at all clear how much time has passed when we next meet our hero and heroine. What is soon clear though is how much this movie loves the US military, with the uniforms, ships and everything shot in loving detail. You may think you are watching a Michael Bay film, though less visually pretty; say what you like about him, you cannot deny that he makes his films look good, and Battleship looks a little ugly by comparison. Still, after a few dullish sequences which don’t really work because the characters are paper-thin, some tension is built up as alien things are spotted heading for Earth. We see some of Hong Kong obliterated in a too-brief but quite impressive little set piece, and yes, it does almost feel like we are watching Armageddon, what with the hero sleeping with his boss’s daughter and all.

Then things really kick off as a huge force field appears in front of the ships and strange structures come out of the water, to be followed by giant robots. It’s now what we’ve paid to see – ships vs aliens! Yay!! The robots fire things that look like canisters which stick to targets and then blow up, but even better than this, when the aliens seem to have won the first battle, out from their machines come flying wheel-like things which head towards the base and smash into helicopters, buildings and whatever else is in the way. I really appreciated being shown some decent destruction for a change in this movie and it really seems that, despite the fetishism of the military and some seriously corny dialogue, Battleship is becoming a most fun endeavour indeed, helped by adding just the right level of humour which never reaches the depths of the annoying larking around that marred the Transformers pictures.

Sadly, around half way the film takes a nose dive and never entirely recovers, though it remains watchable most of the time. It becomes increasingly obvious that seeing ships vs aliens over and over again gets a bit boring, the very nature of it making for rather static and repetitive action, and though there are a few hair-raising encounters with the actual aliens, some occurring on land, these extra-terrestrials are singularly unimpressive in design with their Predator- style suits and their albino human-like appearance. They are nothing we haven’t seen before, and, though director Peter Berg thankfully keeps the camera still during the naval combat scenes, he can’t resist shaking the camera about and cutting crazily during the land scuffles. And then the film just gets ridiculous, going beyond far-fetched [which I don’t have a problem with if it suits the film] into just pure idiocy. The best example of this is when our protagonists need a ship, but all the available ships are destroyed, so they decide to take a 70 year old craft into battle, replete with its old crew, who…….well, I don’t want to describe the whole scene, but what is intended to be rousing is just too much and may even make you feel a little sick. By the end, the film may leave a bad taste in your mouth and that’s a shame because it was getting rather good.

The special effects, bar some shoddy explosions [why does everyone resort to CG explosions these days when they look so fake?], do the job, but the script often lets things down and is annoyingly vague concerning the aliens. Star Taylor Kitsch does a better job in this then he did in John Carter, at least looking the part here, though he is still very limited as an actor. As for Rihanna, I can’t stand her nor her music, but she’s adequate in her role and is certainly not the annoyance which I expected her to be. Liam Neeson is hardly in it. Steve Joblonsky’s score seems to combine his Transformers scores with his Platinum Dunes horror scores for a predictably tedious musical experience. Overall though, Battleship is perhaps a little better than you may expect, does what it says on the tin and its 130 minutes race by. It is almost two thirds of the way to being a decent alien invasion movie. Which is pretty good going, considering the competition at the moment.

5.5/10

Emyr Thy King -> Just what the doctor ordered? (12/4/2012 2:37:12 PM)

Patient referral by Dr Lenera (not the muahahaha type)

Diagnosis: patient displays initial sign of confusion, time lapse appears to be common within patient's memory. Later, heart rate becomes less irregular with stable heart beats. Breathing becomes more controlled, if a little too much oscillation between shallow and deep breaths. Behavioural abnormality seems to be quite apparent in patient. Patient may be calm for one moment, then displays sudden extrovert behaviour with jumping up and down and shouting before settling down again. Patient also shows propensity for violence, with sudden bouts of anger by destroying furnishings and other items. Patient shows an unusual interest in donning what could be termed eclectic wear, with something akin to a spacesuit. Perhaps signs of mild delusions? Vis-à-vis the propensity for violence, patient shows an alarming interest in pyrotechnics. Indeed, a gleeful almost child-like enthusiasm for starting fires and creating explosions. Pyromania is visibly part of the patient's psyche. As noted above, the patient it seems suffers from delusional episodes. Inventing characters with little personality, and indeed spouting dialogue that can barely be deemed conversational. Perhaps a remedial/latent development in linguistics? Patient also displays an interest for music, though the patient's hearing is visibly impaired. With the infrequent shouting and causing destruction and then an inability to match the required tone of the musical piece - tone deafness.

Prognosis: Given the typical state of patients afflicted with such symptoms. The patient isn't deemed to be terminal but nonetheless has shown visible acute symptoms of mediocrity that cannot be cured, but may be treated. Patient should be treated with minimal skepticism given expected symptoms. Lowered expectations are advisable with a willingness to be subject to patient abnormalities. In order to lessen trauma for patient. No further recommendation is made

Consultant concurs with Dr Lenera's assessment of patient overall health. However, as standard, a re-assessment shall be required when the patient is re-examined. De Lenera's trusted expertise is accurate and he usually has his finger on the pulse.

According to this review it isn't the best film, I won't be wasting my time!

Rgirvan44 -> RE: Just Terrible (12/4/2012 6:14:12 PM)

“What’s a Rihanna?” was a sentence I overheard tonight from an audience member who was attending the screening of Battleship, and I think best sums up the total disconnect I have with the film.

I don’t think it is all that shocking to state that Battleship is dumb. But dumb can be fun if done right (see for instance, Independence Day) and for the opening ten minutes of this film I thought we were in for some dumb fun. I laughed at the right moments, I liked our goofy hero Taylor Kitsch (clearly trying to channel Chris Pine’s Captain Kirk) and director Peter Berg seemed to be going for a light tone.

Then the rest of the film happened. Just because the film isn’t as stupid as Transformers does not mean that it is in any way shape or form, smart or clever. The plot, what there is of it, is fairly simple. Aliens land in water, humans fight them. Things go boom. Enjoy your Coke. The boom stuff is nearly all just ships firing at each other, which becomes a bit dull.

The big issue with the film is the runtime. There is no reason for this film to be over two hours long. Brooklyn Decker, playing Kitsch’s love interest has a subplot that lasts for twenty minutes of the films run time and involves her going up a hill, coming back down the hill, and then going back up once again. Thrilling stuff.

There was no need for this. I know why it is there, because the studios want to attract all age groups to see the film. But no one, and I mean no one, is at a screening of Battleship to watch Decker. I doubt even Decker is there to watch herself. If you took all that nonsense out, the film becomes more streamlined, and perhaps more fun.

The aliens were every bit as stupid as the ones from Signs, although I appreciated that they tried something different with their look. The armour they wear is very much from the Halo games, but looks interesting enough. The spaceships continue the Hollywood trend of being overdesigned messes. I also have to question the intelligence of an alien species to leave their command centre vulnerable to the one weakness they have.

A big disappointment is Liam Nesson – he is barely in the film. It looks like he shot all his scenes in a couple of days. The movie could have used more of him, but forced him to the side lines. Perhaps there was a fear he would overwhelm Kitsch who has to take command of one of the ships.

Problem is, even without Nesson there, Kitsch feels out of his depth. His second in command, a character called Beast, carries with him an air of leadership. I sat there thinking that he should have been in charge.

If the film has one truly dumb moment it is this – after the alien ships have fired upon the fleet, Kitsch orders his ship to charge headlong into the centre of battle. But one of his crew then spots survivors from the wreck of a nearby ship. They shout at him to then turn the ship around and mount a rescue operation, which he does.

Now I am no military expert, but I would suspect the policy is to take out the enemy fleet before helping those in need. Otherwise you would leave yourself open to attack. I still don’t get the logic of the scene, but it is ok, because the alien ship leaves them alone because the script doesn’t have an alternative solution.

And no, I am not overthinking this. Just because it is a film with spaceships and aliens shouldn’t stop it from at least trying. In recent years films with aliens, robots and big spaceships have all been nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars. The old excuses simply do not stand up anymore.

Oh and Rihanna? She is fairly decent. Doesn’t leave an impression, but nor was she bad in the role she was given.

I am sure a lot of people will enjoy the film. I cannot be counted among them. I wonder what Peter Berg saw in this property. While I think Berg had his tongue in his cheek at certain points, I don’t believe he did at all times. Maybe he hopes it is a big hit and he can go off and do that one film he has always wanted to make. I do hope so, because otherwise he has put his talents to waste.