China’s First Aircraft Carrier Is a Fab Second-Hand Find

Oh my God, have you talked to China today? No, no! Don’t Gchat China! Just listen. So! China is being such a ridiculous show-off about its new aircraft carrier, because, like, China never had an aircraft carrier before. I know, I know. Kind of embarrassing, right? America got an aircraft carrier in eighth grade, lost it, and bought a new one that day. O.K., so good for China or whatever, but here’s the deal: the fancy new aircraft carrier that China had this over-the-top ceremony for today is just “a discarded vessel bought from Ukraine in 1998 and refurbished by China.” [Widens eyes.] Do you remember when Jenna borrowed Sam’s Bebe dress and sewed these horrendous cap sleeves on it? Go to Facebook right now and go to Jenna’s Halloween ’09 album. This is like that, essentially.

And we’re like, that is so wonderful for you, China, that you went vintage shopping. Ha ha, no, not in like a mean way. But it’s like, why does China even need an aircraft carrier? “China does not have planes capable of landing on the carrier and so far training for such landings have been carried out on land”!

So, yeah, do not Gchat China. What are you going to say? “Cool new-slash-old boat you don’t even need and couldn’t use if you wanted to”?