Monday, September 29, 2008

Smokey The Pectoral Bear Raises Your Children Right

Well Mike Fontanelli has switched obsessions. He's abandoned his role as champion of Native Americans in favor of spreading the lore of Smokey The Pectoral Bear.

Smokey the "Bear" is a misnomer. He is actually half man /half bear. He has pectoral muscles, walks bipedally, talks and will not wear a shirt. He teaches his son all-American man morals too: "Son, always remember to never wear a shirt while patrolling the forest. Bare your naked breast with manly pride."

You might think you already know everything there is to know about Smokey The Bear. But you're wrong. - Unless you have read this mysterious freak of nature's gripping ethical adventures in Dell Comics.Smokey does more than just put out forest fires. His role is much more all-encompassing than merely ridding the wilds of arsonists. He has many surprising responsibilities.

INTERFERING WITH NATURE

Smokey is revolted by the natural order of things.He needs to stop carnivores from eating cute things.

Eating an ugly old Mom is just fine though.

TO PUT ANIMALS OUT THEIR MISERY

Smokey is always on the lookout for wounded animals so he can end their misery with his missile of mercy. "Hey Mr. Racoon. Is that a limp?""Uh, no sir, Mr. Smokey! It's just a little scratch! I stepped on a burr! Nothing serious at all." "Tsk, tsk" says Smokey. If there's one thing I can't stand; it's to see a poor ignorant beast in pain.""Oh, please, Mr. Ranger Bear, sir, don't cock that rifle! Honest, it doesn't hurt a ..."BOOOOM! Thud.

TO SETTLE DISPUTES WITH ASSHOLES USING SUPERIOR FIGHTING SKILLS

Smokey is a good bear. There is an evil bear though. His name is GIMP. He tries to kill everyone - even animals without scratches, nicks, wounds or blemish. Smokey stops the killings with mixed martial arts. Here Gimp tries to kill Smokey and his baby.Then Smokey pushes Gimp's car over a cliff. It lands and bursts into flames. Smokey pulls his burning cousin out of the mangled melted metal hulk, eager to put him out of his misery.But when the whole forest catches fire he makes a deal and promises to not kill Gimp, if Gimp will just help him put out the fire. Gimp always lies and tries to kill Smokey and his baby in every issue, but Smokey is so good that he believes the 3 time loser every time. Dell comics feels that this message of trusting your most vicious enemies will comfort Moms. I find comfort in it myself.After Gimp betrays Smokey for the 57th time, our hero decides to give him a lesson in Greco-Roman wrestling on a floating log.Smokey is also quite adept at American fisticuffs. Fighting fair is the best way to take care of murdering hairy blue monsters.

Smokey knocks out the killer and gives him another chance in the next issue, hoping that Gimp might pick up a scratch so he can without guilt put him out of his pain.

TO EDUCATE OUR YOUTH ABOUT THE POCKET GOPHER

TO BEAT ENDANGERED SPECIES WITH STICKS

Smokey never forgets to give the recipients of his mercy killings a decent burial. Here he is waving to Moms from the cemetary. "You can trust me with your kids" he seems to be saying.

That Dell Comics pledge must have come out of the huge comic books controversy of the 50's, when people decided comics were corrupting the youth of America. This is what put the great EC horror comics out of business. It's also why Bill Gaines changed Mad into a magazine, if it was no longer a comic book, it was no longer satan's evil tool.

If I were a “writer” for Smokey, I would have so many questions: How much can Smokey bench? Who modifies his rifles to accommodate his man/bear mitts? Does he put his pants on one paw at a time? Is he the missing link? What sort of loss is he obviously compensating for? Has anyone ever seen Smokey and Ranger Smith in the same place at the same time?

I think the key theme here is that Smokey fights for the underdog, which is what nature is all about.

That cover with Smokey fighting the wolves is so funny. He has a belt buckle with his name on it! And the way the animals eyes are drawn so you sympathize with Smokey his kid and that raccoon while hating the wolves IMMEDIATELY.

He has the ultra-dad physique too! The kind where you know the guy is out of shape but still really powerful.

I'd love to see Jim Smith caricature Smokey on that cover. He's the king of dad physiques.

When I was a big-time comic book dealer I used to run into those Smokey Bear comics. They were indeed twisted, because they were written by men who held the old ideas that predators are evil and should all be exterminated.

And that version of Smokey looks like some kind of Marvel Comics superhero. Really weird.

Even though this peculiar comic seems aimed at young Republicans, I must say that there is much to appreciate in the visuals. Aside from the fact that Smokey pretty much qualifies as an early "furry" with his aforementioned human pecs, the drawing and inking of the characters is really solid and organic, while the layouts and posing are very dynamic.

Any idea on who illustrated these comics, John (or Mike)? It puts me in mind of Al Hubbard, who did many of the Disney animated feature comic adaptations, with it's strong posing and gutsy inking. By the way, I also think the fully painted covers to all of these issues are gorgeous. There was a lot of fine work that went into the more illustrative comic titles from both Dell and the Gold Key label that succeeded them.

The artwork in these comics is so - I dunno - republican? - the covers are far more interesting. I do like the villain, GIMP, a true maniac who hates the world and himself. Smokey is delusional, oblivious and a "benevolent" authoritarian. One has to wonder was this how the writer felt him or herself or was following a pre-ordained dictum by the publisher.

I just recalled an excellent Mad Magazine parody of "Rollerball" (Dick DeBartolo-Angelo Torres) that depicted some milquetoast questioning the actions of a bunch of hopped up on drugs rich people deliberately setting trees on fire with a ray gun, and the naysayer being shooshed by the admonition, "Everybody does it! Look!", the following panel showing Smokey Bear with grim determination firing a blazing ray gun towards his target.

Some people are creeped out by circus clowns, my bane was the anthropomorphic Smokey (The) Bear. The demeanor and deep round voice didn't come across as friendly, he sounded like he was gonna' jump outta the TV set and eat me in my bed. But I never set a forest on fire (proud to say, I helped put out two!)

These comics by DELL are so unintentionally hilarious - something you'd expect right out of the mouth of Teddy Roosevelt Bull Moose progressive after accidentally ingesting some ergot from a crust piece of old rye bread or pumpernickel - were these comics part of the basis for George Liquor's character?

John! I can't believe you forgot about the brand new Smokey the Bear (in CG so kids today can relate) seen in this new commercial here. And with a 'tude driven tagline "Get Your Smokey On". Could it be better?

You said Smokey BARES his muscles? How about BEARS!! To another commenter:Either today, to make Smokey the Bear use CG, or a hand drawn bear with all the stupid out of place Elvis references a la the insufferable, un-bear-able Disney character Stitch.