I was afraid to even look at my website to see when the last time I published was.

I knew it had been waaaay longer than it should have been.

Here I’d thought I was on a roll and I had such high hopes…

But then life happened~ and things rolled in a different direction than I saw coming.

The thing is, it’s not easy to write for Zesty Mom when you feel more like “Angry Mom” or “No Fun Mom” or some other version of “Mean, Yelling, Bitter Mom.”

I guess it's like with any job and life in general, there are times you don’t enjoy what you’re doing as much as others. But it was still rough when it felt like all the momming I was having to do was sucking all the zesty right out of me.

The other day, my Boy Child told me that I have, and I quote,“zero chill.”

What I felt like doing was yelling that I used to have chill, but they had stolen all of it and sucked it, along with the life, right out of me.

But since I had just finished yelling at him for something else, and it seemed both overly dramatic and to prove his point, I opted not to.

Ugggh. Kids….

I may have glared a bit while doing my best to listen (which I’ll admit is not my greatest strength) while he explained that I should just “relax and stop getting so annoyed all the time.”

I’m proud to say that I refrained from yelling, and calmly (I swear) gave my perspective, which is that it’s hard to feel chill around here sometimes when the contribution to consumption ratio was feeling so inequitable.

In other words, I felt like they should be giving a little more, especially considering what they were taking included large amounts of food, space, energy and also felt like it included my life force.

The frustrating thing is that it’s not like I’m dealing with coddled children who’ve never washed a dish.

Being part of this family unit at any age beyond infancy has always involved contribution, and the people who live here all know how to do things to help and are quite capable of doing them well.

But, these teenagers seem to go through phases, included a recent one where they universally were not all that inclined to help without prodding and more prodding. I know this isn’t unusual teen behavior, but I get fricking tired of prodding.

I do understand that they are busier and have more outside interests now than they did when they were little. But, they’re also more competent than ever and they consume a lot more resources than ever as well.

And they’re smart enough to know to pitch in.

They just often don't think about it and sometimes appear to give no effs about it either and the constancy of asking led to way too many unpleasant interactions.

At some point, I started to take it personally, and my joy and zest started to be replaced with anger and venom.

Which is tragic really.

I’ve read enough self help books to know that’s where resentment and separation start forming and those are killers to relationships and happiness in general.

So, I wasn't writing for Zesty Mom because I wasn’t feeling like a Zesty Mom.

To be honest, I was feeling whatever the opposite of Zesty is about my mothering and my home life.

The other day, I was remembering when my 18 year old Girl Child was on her Gap Year in Ecuador and after working in several schools, she says to me, “You know... little kids are a lot more fun than teenagers.”

And at the time I thought “Bwahahahahahahaha! No freaking kidding!” But I refrained from saying it. (Or maybe I laughed right at her, I honestly don't remember, but that's not the point...)

The point is, yes, teenagers can sometimes be a bit of a challenge to deal with.

And yes, teenagers can be pretty fun too….although it’s definitely a different scene and requires different resources (which I may have mentioned that I’d been feeling drained of.)

Teens are busy spreading their wings and figuring out how to fly on their own in the world. They’re learning and processing massive amounts of information, which is great, but they're also eating all my food and leaving messes that they should be cleaning up.

The idea of renting out all the rooms in my house on airbnb and running away and driving across country crossed my mind.

But, the fact that I was so annoyed with it all was kind of a clue that it was time to reign things in and take a little looksie at what the heck was happening in my family.

Again with the stinking self help and life improvement stuff ~ I already know that I’m the one person I can change.

More ugggh.

Dealing with my attitude and my boundaries is an ongoing thing for me.

But, once I got past my first round of blame about what happened to my creative happy home and my amazing and productive writing schedule, I realized that I too had been really, really busy.

I had been traveling for both work and fun, we had hosted another exchange student for a month and I was juggling a bunch of new and exciting work responsibilities.

And since I usually work from home most of the time, and juggle multiple jobs, all the household messes that kids home for summer leave get all mixed up in the works.

It wasn’t just the lack of enthusiastic help at home~ it was all the other things I was juggling on top of it, and under the weight of all that, I was losing sight of what was important to me.

Not just the writing, but the fun with my family and the people that I love.

The other day, I saw a facebook post about a 22 year old kid from a small town near me who had wrapped his truck around a tree and died. I don’t know him, but my heart hurts for his family and friends and for the life and the future that was lost.

Which made me start thinking about the other ways people lose their lives and forego their futures and their dreams while they are still breathing.

So, I’m trying to pull the stick out of my butt, and re-focus on what really matters to me.

Happy, thriving people in a joyful, creative home.

Building an abundant life that feels like we're leaving the world a better place.

Laughter and adventure with people who make my heart smile.

Those are the things that are important to me.

And in a great many ways, I already have these things.

For the most part, we have really great kids. They may sometimes require prompting, but they do actually help competently when asked.

They have goals and they work hard and are making their way in the outside world.

And after my head spun around last time and I lost my mind all over the place, the kids seem to be a little more onboard with helping than they were a few days ago.

Maybe I’m asking in nicer ways too... who knows?

In any case, I’m trying to remind myself that their perspective is based on their life experience and I'm also thinking back on some of my own dumbarse moments in reference.

Which is humbling to say the least.

Just as helpful, I think, is slowing down and taking better care of my sanity, which includes making sure I take time for things that nourish my soul, like writing and creating.

The more stable I am, the more stable this platform will be for these chillens to leap from.

I know I’ll still get sidetracked by messes and annoyed with attitudes and overwhelmed with responsibilities, but I suppose those things will always be a part of life.

But, I need to be looking for what lights me up, and I already have the answers inside of me.

I just looked up my last post (which was a month ago...sheesh) and it was about when mama isn’t happy.

I seem to be sharing what I most need to learn.

Hope your summer has been a happy one, and hope to be back to regular writing again soon.