Today I was in a park and I wondered if it had wi-fi. I was so ashamed. Also I never even got out of my car. I’m making a fitness tape called “These are My Exercise Socks — I Wear Them to Bed.”

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Nothing so hopeless as lusting after a character. Sigh, modern love on the phone in the park parking lot. I don’t even mean a particular actor — I mean a fic-fucking-ticious character. Why don’t you go hump a vapor?

Your deflated hot cocoa.

No one could have predicted that “deflate” would be all over the news. It’s such a pleasant surprise — thrills me that a deeply embarrassing word like that is in the front of everyone’s mind.

I think it is one of the most embarrassing words out there.

My argument

Think of the most embarrassing, cringy word you know.

You think it’s “moist”? You’re wrong.

“Moist” is for plebes.

No, what I’m talking about (spins chair around, stands up suddenly) is the kind of word that has levels to it — bonus emotions like guilt, depression, dysfunction, the creaky disrepair of old age and the creeping stench of death. It’s coming! Plus the word has to be slightly, grossly sex-related, so that when you hear it and think of something sexual, you get mad at yourself. You have to get mad at yourself.

Side argument

I also, on opposite side, like “pique” as a sexy word. It has a lot of layers (peak, peek, pick, piquant, tang, saliva) and when you say it, you could be doing fake French, very nearly as sexy as Real French. vooujz a vlu jzean le damme?

yesterday to a colleague I said, “Welp, See ya later!” and I don’t think she knew what it meant. I got in my car and said, “This is why you’re not professional, the next time you ask me.” Then I drove to my bank and slept in the parking lot. Then I drove to the park.

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