A play-by-play of the ABC-TV series, The Bachelor, aka the greatest reality television show of all time. These started out as e-mails to a friend and a wife, who in turn forwarded those e-mails to friends. They told two friends, and so on... So now it's on a blog for all to see.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Anyone out there? I got no comments last week so I can't get a sense of how people are liking this maple leaf edition of the Bachelor. I'm digging it. That is, I find it no better or worse than the American version. But I'd love to hear what others think. I don't think Americans are watching/can watch. I doubt anyone else in the world is interested. Canada's got a tiny population, relatively speaking. So who's with me?

This week 12 ladies were left freezing their butts off in Victoria. Yes, it's a mild climate, but when I saw them sitting outside the mansion in bikinis next to cherry blossoms, I knew they must have been told to look the part. Spring is lovely in Victoria, but it ain't exactly bikini weather. Then I noticed a shot of one of them sitting under a blanket. That made more sense. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated the scenery.

Right off the bat the host dude (someone's definitely gotta mention his name at some point every show just so we learn it) told everyone there'd be a 1-on-1 date, a 5-on-1 date, and a 6-on-1 date. My handy-dandy calculator app tells me 1 + 5 + 6 = 12. Coincidentally, the exact same number as the women left. Would that stop them from fretting they might not get to go on a date? Noooo!

Kara, the softball player from across the water in Delta, was chosen for the 1-on-1. The evil Whitney squinted and said she was her only competition. Don't know where that came from. Then the Canadian producers took a tip from their American counterparts and sliced in a clip of Whitney saying, "I hate this girl and I want her gone." No reference to who she was talking about. Could have been anyone. But it fit here so they put it in. There's absolutely no way Whitney would say that about the lovely Kara.

Kara was a great choice for the solo date. What a great and ready laugh she has. Brad led her to... a helicopter! I know, I know, been there, done that. But wait. This one was orange! How about now, huh?! Excited just a little bit? And the pilot was a woman! They're changing things up on Bachelor Canada!

So off they went from Victoria all the way to southwestern Alberta. I had no ideas helicopters could make such long flights. I wonder how many days that took.

They arrived at a ranch for a horseback riding adventure. When they got there, the cowboy who ran the place said, "Have you ever rode a horse before?" No, neither of them had, to which he added, "We promise we won't laugh too hard." Okay, and we promise not to laugh at your poor grammar.

Not only did they have to ride horses – not a particularly easy feat for a greenhorn – but they had to wrangle cattle, too. Or at least stand around while the real cowboys did.

That night the couple had dinner in a "romantic barn". I hope they had fire extinguishers nearby for all those candles sitting on haystacks. Kara revealed that she still lives at home. Not only that, but she hangs out with her parents. She's a down-to-earth gal and they made a decent pair. She was handed a rose, which she gladly accepted before a big smooch.

Back in Victoria, the beautiful but thus-far-dateless-in-18-days Nicole said she'd be devastated if she didn't get to go on a date. Whitney was shocked she wasn't on the first date card, too. It's conceivable they didn't actually know how many would get to go, but if that's the case, don't tell the viewers off the top that everyone's going because the fake drama ain't working.

From Alberta, Brad flew down to Mexico for his 5-on-1 date. Presumably Kara got the chopper to herself back to Victoria. Down in Mexico a mariachi band played poolside for the bikini-clad quintet. Bianka drew all attention to her backside with a half-thong-type number. Maybe she was trying to woo back her former lover, Kris Humphries. He certainly goes for rear ends, having dumped Bianka for one of the Kardashians (I don't keep up with the trash but I know each one of the sisters possesses ample booty).

The girls were giddy when Brad took off his shirt and showed off his six pack. He took Gabby away for a chat and for a brief moment she seemed normal. He was very attracted to the feisty one. As well he should be. She's like a less stable Paula Abdul. She told him that it takes a very secure guy to be with her and not a lot of people can handle her sense of humour. To date she's shown zero signs of a sense of humour but I'll take it at her word that she has one.

Who knows what else they did but sit at a pool, or for how long, but TV-wise it was very short. Then Brad let them know there'd be no rose (despite Gabrielle clinging on to one that wasn't mentioned), but one lucky lady would get to go on a date with him while the other four would fly back to Victoria that very night.

Bianka with the former Mr. Kardashian

Bianka was chosen for the date. Her hard-to-get attitude was intriguing to Brad. He sensed she had been hurt before and she confirmed his suspicions. She had her heart broken by a professional athlete so she was a bit gun-shy to get in there with Brad, forgetting that a) as a CFL player, he barely qualifies as a professional athlete, and b) his brief career is over. But she was thrilled to get the date, which was Gabby's cue for her weekly "She's not here for the right reasons" claim. That girl keeps flip-flopping between semi-normal and full-on psycho. At least she's not afraid to say it right to Bianka's face. "People get offended when I tell the truth," she said. Can't understand why.

Brad took Bianka on a 62-foot yacht to a private island. She and Brad got some sun on the deck. He laid on his back and she laid on her stomach. Her thick g--string got no camera time, though. Not that I was keeping track. We could have used subtitles here because I missed a chunk of their dialogue as it competed with the wind and surf. Then they drank wine on the island and Brad was smitten.

At the mansion, the last date card arrived and Whitney was confidant her name was going to be on it. Smart one, that Whitney. And sure enough, she was right! She and everyone else who was left were going to Sooke, about a half-hour's drive away. But it was kind of a cool date. The six women got to compete in a lumberjack competition. Brad, the supposed jock, kept calling it a "3 versus 3" competition. Who says that? It's 3-on-3. Maybe he was told to say it that way so as not to confuse it with date cards.

On team pink were the virginal Chantelle, the lovely Julia Louis-Dreyfus lookalike Laura B., and the bilingual Sophie. The blue team consisted of evil Whitney, curly-headed Michelle, and gorgeous Nicole. There'd be log climbing, jousting on a plank over a shallow pool, and cross-cut sawing.

The log climbing looked the most fun. Laura went against Michelle and team pink was first to ring the bell. In the jousting, Whitney, whose breasts are not yet paid for, told her opponent Sophie, "whack me in the face as hard as you can but don't hit my chest."

The evil one pulled this one out in a lacklustre affair. That would leave the sawing to decide things. Chantelle and Sophie bested Nicole and Michelle. Not sure how they chose the final contestants, but Whitney said, "I probably would have won that event." She thought she had the stronger teammates but she realized she was wrong. That's called being a good teammate. Look it up. Now Chantelle, Laura and Sophie got to go out with Brad. Whitney said, "I can't believe I pushed Sophie in that frickin' water and now she's going on a date with him." Oh, and she squinted her eyes to convey evil, just like her acting coaches taught her.

The three gals and Brad went to Sooke Harbour House and you'll never guess who was playing when they arrived!... No, you'll never guess because you've never heard of him... Actually, maybe you have. I pride myself on not knowing bad contemporary country singers. But Chantelle and Laura not only knew this guy without prompting, but they knew his song and were singing along to it. Go figure. His name was Dean Brody. Maybe he's big enough to be on Google. You can check for yourself.

Laura got some alone time with Brad and she was eager to show him that she's not "Miss Drama" all the time. She was embarrassed by her actions at the house that night when she got all verklempt and thought she could go home even after having a great date with Brad. Brad said the fear is that her actions will repeat themselves, but he was very kind. Relieved, she face-attacked him, tongue first.

Meanwhile, Chantelle told Brad that her last relationship was four years ago. Not only that, her last kiss was four years ago. Not only that, she's actually dated since then. Ergo, she hasn't kissed on any of those dates. Ergo... yeah, we get it. But that's all she said. Then she started fretting that she needed to tell him the whole story, as if he hadn't already put two and two together. Yup, she's a... a... a "girl of values." Say what? Oh, right. She means she's a virgin (giggle). And guess what? Brad didn't care. Or, more realistically, he hid his total enthusiasm nicely and came off as kind and caring. He kissed her. To no surprise, she didn't return the kiss. Does that count as a kiss in her registry of kisses? If not, maybe that's how she's still a virgin. Maybe guys have sex with her, but she just lies there.

Brad said, "She's got some serious guts and that's such an attractive quality."Back at the mansion, Chantelle and Britany take a bath together to talk about what happened.

Wait. Run that by me again? They took a bath together? Oh, she's that kind of virgin! I get it now.

Not really. They were wearing bikinis. You know, as girls and pastors do together. Perfectly natural.

Brad felt no need for a cocktail party. In fact, he was so disgusted with his options [my interpretation] he decided to send home double the allotment he was supposed to send packing. Instead of two leaving, he called an audible and said four would hit the proverbial showers. Not clear on the reason. And after seeing his choices, not clear on those, either.

Kara had a rose, so only seven more would be handed out. And they went in order to Chantelle (which is a decent decision), Gabrielle (crazy), Britany (I have no real handle on who this person is other than she likes to bathe with women of the cloth), Ana (meh), Bianka (blah), Laura (yay!), and Whitney (evil incarnate). As you can guess by my parenthetical remarks, I'm cheering for Laura and Chantelle. Oh, and Kara. I hope all three of them take a bath together at some point.

That's right, the gorgeous Nicole, who didn't get to go on a single date, was given the old heave-ho. What gives? Also gone is the delightful Sophie, as well as Tia, who made no impression on me one way or the other, and Michelle, the yoga instructor who's not very good at climbing logs.

I could buy the fact he wanted to send home four this week so he could have more time with those that are left, but when the upcoming highlights showed us that he's sending home another four next week, whittling down the number of women to a final four, it makes me believe this is not all his doing. Maybe the show ran out of money. You can't string those four finalists for more than two or three weeks. The producers must be pulling the plug. Oh well, I'll enjoy it while it lasts. Will you?