College football has its polls. Other sites have their power rankings. But at KSK, we like when people suffer; it brings them down to our level. So, on the eve of the opening of training camps, we’re introducing our new KSK Scale of Sadness, tracking – or, rather, wallowing with – the saddest teams and fan bases in the league through camp, preseason, and the regular season.

YOUR SAD SIX1. Cleveland Browns The defending champions of sadness. Sure, they had a good draft, including Johnny Fucking Football, and Lebron is coming back, but you don’t dethrone the Factory of Sadness without playing a game. Or even several games. Becoming masters of masochisms and self-loathing is a lifelong evolution for a Brown’s fan. JFF could easily become the second coming of Ryan Leaf and Jimmy Haslam has plenty of drama surrounding him. Plus, it’s Cleveland so something is bound to go wrong. Maybe – just maybe – that thing is Cleveland being the saddest team in the league and the universe folds in upon itself and all of a sudden the Browns creep into the playoff picture. But Cleveland is also the city that set its river on fire once so probably not.

2. Oakland Raiders Have you ever been to the O.o Coliseum? It’s literally a prison. No wonder the Raiders tried to troll the A’s and wreck plans for a new lease with the city of Oakland for the Coliseum out of hopes Al’s Boys could get the city to bulldoze the Black Hole for a new stadium. Khalil Mack might actually eat someone (which means he’ll fit right in with the Raiders fans) and the defense will overall be better. But then you look at the offense’s depth chart, see Matt Schaub’s name, and you get that sadness that settles in to your chest like a cold weight, and it just sits there.

3. Buffalo Bills Hey that Sammy Watkins kid is supposed to be pretty good, right? Hope so, given what they gave up to get him. Not unrelated: Jon Bon Jovi wants to buy this team and ALLEGEDLY won’t move the team but hey I bet all Bills fans feel secure about that, right? At least the fans don’t lose a game to Toronto this year. But they did lose Ralph Wilson, which is sad. Meanwhile, the albatross of not only losing four straight Super Bowls but also being on the losing end of the Music City Miracle still hangs over the heads of Bills fans who have already assumed they’re losing the team to Canada. Oh, and sorry about Kiko Alonso’s ACL.

4. Tennessee Titans I still don’t buy the Titans as an NFL team. Their logo is a thumbtack, they have a weird color scheme, and all their fans are disgruntled University of Tennessee fans who are trying to fool themselves. Whenever I watch them play, it feels like I’m watching a World League of American Football team. Where are the London Monarchs? Their QB depth chart is actually kind of intriguing with Mettenberger and Wilson but then you realize it also involves Locker and Whitehurst and the rest of the offense has been a big bowl of wet farts over the last few years (LOL Chris Johnson!). And what else do you do when your NFL team sucks? They closed Opryland, right? That place was Six Flags for poor people, anyway (which explains why we always went there instead of Six Flags when I was a kid).

5. Jacksonville JaguarsBortles versus Henne is like trying to choose which way you have to die 16 times in 17 weeks. MoJo is gone and Toby Gerhart is the lead rusher on the depth chart heading into camp. All that said, this is freaking Jacksonville. How do they even have a team. It’s not like anyone goes. I’m just saying when you consider that L.A. doesn’t have a team. And don’t cite population numbers when defending the JAX because that’s irrelevant. Florida has three teams and they all suuuuuuuuuuck (though the Dolphins escaped this week’s rankings). The Jaguars are the argument for making a deal with the CFL for relegation in the NFL. Give me Winnipeg over the Jags.

6. Houston Texans They should have been good. Like, really good. Right? And they can be, right? Honestly, I have no idea what to make of this team right now. Clowney could be a beast on defense and Fitzpatrick can’t bring any more malaise to the offense than Schaub did. But Johnson won’t be in camp when it starts and Foster’s coming off of some pretty serious surgery which is cause for concern no matter what he tweets. That said… they have to be better, right? You would hope so because the team plays in Houston and have you ever been to Houston? Concrete everywhere. Hot. Humid. The taint of Texas. Crushing disappointment has done a number on Texans fans.

ON THE OUTSIDE, STANDING IN THE RAIN, MOURNFULLY LOOKING THROUGH THE WINDOWFins, Bucs, Washington Fightin’ Snyders

The Dolphins are the Dolphins, fighting for relevance outside of BullyGate. The Buccaneers have the Lovie Smith Era to look forward to (and they are REALLY fucking excited about it) as well as the most mediocre QB competition (what if Kafka wakes up as a cockroach after the first night at camp????). And the Washington Fightin’ Snyders shouldn’t be as sad as they are with RG3, right? But they still managed only a 1-11 record within the NFC. No, seriously, they won ONE conference game last year (a crazy one over the Bears) and beat the two bad AFC West teams before losing eight in a row to finish the year meaning it’s only the sliver of hope in RG3 and new coach Jay Gruden that keeps them off the Six.

LISTENING TO MORRISSEYVikings

The main reason the Vikings are this far away from the Six is Teddy Bridgewater. Also helping is Adrian Peterson, even with all those miles on him, and the fact Norv Turner is NOT their head coach.

even on a sadness scale the Cardinals are forgotten. The Bucs, Raiders and Washingtons have all won a super bowl at some point. The Cards lifetime winning % is the lowest off all non-super bowl winning franchises at .417, which is second lowest to the Texans at .411.

Freezing Your Balls Off In July. Should fall somewhere between the Sad Six and Dolphins, and currently describes how much it sucks living here and how much I want to go back to L.A. If it weren’t for all the assholes.

All the mediocrity the past few years has really made being a Bengals fan a lot less fun for a masochist such as myself. Fondly, I remember seeing our name at the top of such lists for almost 20 years. Now its all “Is Andy Dalton elite?” and not “Can David Klingler turn this sinking ship around?” or “KiJana Carter: Future Hall of Famer?”

Dolphins should replace the Texans. The Dolphins will always be on this list while the Texans aren’t as incompetent and will make the playoffs and be considered a Superbowl threat at some point. Miami will always just considered a dark horse for a playoffs spot and can only make the playoffs on a gimmick.

Wait a second, where are the Jets? This is a team that was on the losing end of Buttfumble. When your team’s most notable moment in each season is how excited a man in a fireman’s helmet is because he’s the only man who can spell the word “jets” in an open area, where can you go?

The Jets were in the first draft originally but I took it mostly as it stands now with a bit of context (hence the Browns being defending champs of a power poll we just started). I wouldn’t be surprised for a few of the teams to move and the Jets to go right back in by week 3.

Over the past 15 years, the Jets have actually won more games than about half the league. They aren’t that bad. If you told me that we’d be on the “Laugh because otherwise you’d be crying”, I’d believe that.

“Got a dollar, man?. I’m hurting here, I’m hurt. I mean … simple as that. It ain’t about oxy… I mean it’s… It’s not about that… At all. You know what I’m saying I mean… But it’s…it’s easy … to, to get down about… It’s easy to sum it up when you’re just talking about sadness. We’re sitting in here, and I was supposed to be the franchise QB, and we end up talking about sadness. I mean, listen, we’re talking about sadness, not a game, not a career, not a winning record, we talking about sadness. Not a paycheck. Not, not … Not the game that I went out there and tried my best at and played every game like it’s my last because I was always about to get cut. Not the game, or my college career, but we’re talking about sadness, man. I mean, how shitty is that? … And we talking about sadness. I know I was supposed to be there until we got a championship. I know I was supposed to lead by example and actually have been competent at my job… I know that… And i’m not.. I’m not shoving it aside, you know, like it don’t mean anything or that I didn’t just outright suck. I know it’s important, I do. I honestly do… But we’re talking about sadness man. What are we talking about? Sadness? We’re talking about Sadness, man. We’re talking about sadness. We’re talking about sadness. We ain’t talking about the draft or trades. We’re talking about sadness, man. When you come to the arena, and you saw me play, you did see me play didn’t you? No? You’ve seen me give everything I’ve got, right? No? Damn. But we’re talking about sadness right now. Sadness no one man can ever escape. So, you got that dollar?”

Excellent work. I respectfully submit that this is a man whose primary professional achievement was leading a 1-10 team to a 6 point victory over a 3-8 team one week after a teammate blew his brains out in front of the head coach and GM, among others. NEEDS MORE SADNESS.

This does bring up a good question, how much does it pain the Patriots that they lost the Super Bowl twice to the same team, four years apart? I know it’s not as bad as missing the playoffs each season dating back before most of these players were born, but I feel like there a special level of schadenfreude to be enjoyed there.

I think the fact that I (and probably a few other Steelers fans) have a difficult time determining if who’s worse between Neil O’Donnell or Kordell Stewart speaks volumes to how much Kordell Stewart is despised.

Cincinnati: we don’t even have a general manager! Or scouts. Mike Brown just watches ESPN.
Plus: Kimo von Olhaufen (an ex Bengal) being coached by Dick Lebaeu (an ex Bengal) ruining Carson Palmers knee on the first play of the first playoff game in a generation. (A 60 yard pass which was completed to Chris Henry, what ever happened to him?)
Saddest of all is being left of this list though.
\\actually Ki-jana Carter is the saddest thing. Or David Klingler. Or Akili Smith…

Maybe I’m old but I believe I dimly remember them being good enough to go to the superBowl a couple of time, and were a Tim Krumrie flopping leg away from not letting 49er fans become complete assholes. Also the halftime show: “Be Bop Bamboozled” – South Florida-area dancers and performers including Elvis Presto, and 3-D effects.

Raiders have the worst record of any team in the past decade, not coincidentally, the start of the shit-fest was the enforced retirement of Bill Romanowski, I literally pine for him to be appointed head coach of the Raiders so I can actually have an interest in the team beyond a masochistic desire to see how shit we can actually get.

The Scale of Sadness sounds like something you’d find in a Dungeon Master’s guide.

A powerful, cursed artifact from the Land of Cleve, handed down as an heirloom generation after generation bringing gloom and despair to all those whose lives it touches. Recently coronated King James and a brash young knight, Sir Manziel, have vowed to destroy the Scale.

The Fucking Jets. Who blows playoff games like this ever? DEFINITIONAL WHAT THE FUCK.

A. 1986 AFC Divisional Playoff-Jets vs. Browns
The Browns score 10 points in the last 1:57 of regulation, then win the game 2:02 into the second overtime when Mark Moseley kicks a 27-yard field goal give the Browns a 23-20 win in the third longest game in NFL history.

Bernie Kosar and the Browns rallied to defeat the Jets and reach the 1986 AFC Championship Game.
The comeback is helped by Jets defensive end Mark Gastineau, who spears quarterback Bernie Kosar and is called for a roughing the passer penalty, on an incomplete pass and the Browns about to face a 3rd-and-24 at their own 18-yard line with nearly four minutes left and trailing 20-10.

Instead, the Browns get 15 yards and an automatic first down, as Kosar who throws for a NFL-playoff record 489 passing yards, leads the Browns on a dramatic comeback victory.

B. Doug Brien horror show vs. the Steelrs. The Jets managed to lose a game where they had both special teams and defensive touchdowns, They also blew 2 attempts at the winning FG. Either of those things statistically is unheard oF;add them together and TI NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE OR FUCKING SINCE.

Lions lose greatest player through a fax after breaking his spirit. Employ Matt Millen and then promote his right hand man. Lose every motherfuckinggoddamnfuckingwhatthefuck game in a season. Employ the core of the franchise while rookie contracts are still insane and hamstring the rest of the team leading to a complete boom or bust approach to every game. Piss away a goddamn coronation to the playoffs last year. Let a man with the emotional variability of a four year old coach lose us at least one game a year by being a dumbass. Lose to six fucking field goals in a win and you’re in game on Monday night, and then hire the offensive genius that orchestrated our demise as a wholly underwhelming head coach. AND NOW WE DON’T GET SADNESS RECOGNITION. Self harm, thy name be the Detroit Lions.

@Del Preston Shoe Beatdown — The hate flows so well from you my friend. I have no rebuttal, just sheer admiration that you got all that out without your keyboard bursting into flames and melting through the table onto the floor.

Where are the Bengals? Don’t we even earn consideration for the Scale of Sadness?! Everyone knows about the recent history but I’ll go into the past.

Greg Cook: Great QB drafted in ’68. AFL Rookie of the Year. Hurt his shoulder and wasn’t the same. Joe Montana was once ask “How does it feel to be the best quarterback ever to play football?” and Montana responded, “Why don’t you ask Greg Cook because according to Bill Walsh, he is the greatest quarterback ever to play football?”

1970 Pittsburgh Steelers: The Bengals had some pretty good football teams in the ’70s. The reason you probably haven’t heard of them was because they were playing in the same division of The Team of the Seventies.

Bill Walsh: When Paul Brown retired, he had to choose between Bill Walsh, the team’s Quarterback Coach who was working on a revolutionary offensive play-style that relies on short, intermediate passes and Bill “Tiger” Johnson, the team’s Offensive Line Coach who’s nickname was “Tiger”. Brown of course choses Johnson, which in hindsight shows that Mike Brown’s GM gaffs may be hereditary.

San Francisco 49ers: The only two times the Bengals makes the Super Bowl, they played The Team of the Eighties. I won’t go into Tim Krumrie or Stanley Wilson because its unfortunate and sad, respectfully. All I’ll say is that the ’81 and ’88 Bengals are the only teams to give the 49ers a close game, but that and $1 will give you a cheeseburger off the Value Menu at McDonalds.

I would go further but this is already too long and its hard to type through the tears.