Van Halen reunites, Second Coming is nigh

It has come to this. The gods of metal did grunt and the thunder did creak and Poison, Dokken, Def Leppard, Ratt, Whitesnake and the rest of the ’80s quinquagenarian rockers have already wrapped up their various “reunion” tours of the sundry community theaters, Midwestern county fairs and shopping malls across this fine nation, so of course now is the time for the granddaddy of all conflagrations, the Great Reuniting fans have been waiting for about 20 years, the real Second Coming.

Then and now #1: Kids! Just say no to chain smoking

Yes, the original Van Halen, easily the greatest party-metal band of all time, is finally reuniting (well, most of them) for a summer tour. Shudder, and hope, and shudder again.

Incredible as this band was in its heyday (and much deserving of inclusion in the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame), you have to admit, the signs are not encouraging.

David Lee Roth, after a miserable (read: cancelled after four months for allegedly being a crazed diva nut) stint as a radio personality and a bizarre turn as a New York paramedic and some sort of crazy-ass thing where he was last seen doing a kooky bluegrass version of “Jump” on cable TV (and admittedly looking like he was having a blast doing it), Roth looks like he’s been ready to be permanently installed in the Tiki Lounge at Caesar’s Palace since about 1996.

Then and now #2: Kids! Just say yes to copious chest hair

Eddie Van Halen was last seen hosting a big porn party at his LA mansion (warning: NSFW), celebrating the release of “upscale” porn director Michael Ninn’s latest, uh, masterpiece, Sacred Sin, for which Eddie wrote the soundtrack. You think I am making this up. I am not making this up. Somewhere, Valerie Bertinelli is twitching.

There is danger. There is wary trepidation among the hair-metal cognoscenti. There is the nervous consideration that this will not be the slightest bit pretty, given how, first and foremost, time has been somewhat unkind to Roth, who now looks like a PTA dad and whose voice was never all that spectacular and which clearly has dropped a few notches in quality, and worse to Eddie, who’s already had one hip replaced and who battled both alcoholism and mouth cancer (after chain smoking for his entire life) and now looks like something death dragged into the kitchen to warm over.

What’s more, word is that Eddie’s 15-year-old kid Wolfgang will play bass in place of Michael Anthony, whose only real contribution was those famous high-range vocal harmonies. Wait, do I know way too much about this? How sad. I guess I’ll have to buy a ticket, just to quell the demons. Sigh.

On the upside, I suppose it sure as hell beats that rumored Culture Club reunion tour of Este Lauder department store makeup counters.