March 12, 2018

The fairies choose hope...

Soooo....

This:

I'll start with the good news. There was HCG in my blood. Base hit. But once again, not a lot. My beta was 24. This has me in a a bit of a mental predicament because on the one hand, I know that number is low and the beloved term "a little bit pregnant" once again rings loudly in my ears. On the other hand, Momo's first beta was 23. I was distraught beta testing for over a week and had a very challenging pregnancy but we made it and she is perfect and strong and healthy. It was interesting to observe my thought process around all this. My first thought was W.T.F!!?? That's a low number. What are the odds of a miracle happening twice for us. Then I was pissed. I know I still carry some trauma from my pregnancy with Momo and almost needed this next experience to be different. A clean slate, a different start, and instead it felt exactly the same. Then I reminded myself 24 is not 0. And I felt gratitude to still be in the game. Then I noticed my brain try to blame me--"what's wrong with your body why can't you just do this?!" Seriously? No. we aren't going there Brain, not today. Then I thought about Momo and her beta. 23. 23. 23. Maybe these embryos are just a little slow to warm. Maybe the consistency in the numbers is a positive thing and Momo's low number wasn't a fluke but just how this batch of embryos roll? Maybe this next kid will totally tear the house down since his/her beta is a whole point higher than Momo's?!

Isn't it interesting to see where our thoughts take us and how our feelings then reflect our thought process? (Can you tell I'm a therapist trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?). When I focus on the low number I feel like shit. Don't get me wrong, I clearly cried my face off for about five minutes. I needed to. It was a release of anxiety and frustration and some sadness that I couldn't just get a solid hit this time. But when I sat with my thoughts and sorted through them, I could decide what I focused on.

So I decided. We got this. This is happening. For now. And that's the truth. I'm not blowing smoke up my own ass. I'm not pulling the baby dust over my eyes. I'm staying with the facts of what I know. I know this little thing is still there, in some form. I know I want it more than anything to find a short term lease in my uterus and a permanent home in my heart and life. I know that 24 is not 0 and that 23 made the most incredible little human I've ever met. I know that I never let go until someone pulls the plug.

And so we wait until Wednesday. Momo's second beta was 72. Momo has been doing this thing where she will say who "the fairies" choose to do something. The other day she said, "Daddy, the fairies choose you to change my diaper." Lucky Dada. Today the fairies choose hope instead of fear. And we will ride that train until the end of the line.

Comments

That first beta is such a mindf*ck no matter what the number. I'm so glad yours was positive and am so hopeful for you. Hopefully, 24 vs 23 is just the beginning of the sibling rivalry... My fingers are crossed.
Thanks so much for documenting all of this. It helps those of us in the same boat not feel so alone!

This is great news!!! I never did hcp and always had a clear negative initial beta until a very clear positive with two donated embryos, one of which became my son. So I loaded your blog with trepidation I will admit, fearing your result was a negative. Should have hoped for a positive but experience hardens you. So when I saw your title I was so relieved and I personally am as relieved and happy for you as if your beta were a million! Hang in there til Wednesday

Maya! You've got this. Both my betas from the same frozen batch were also around the same number, so like you said, maybe they are just being consistent! But I'm pulling for you and Noah and Momo and that chill, STTN baby of yours!

Both of my miracle pregnancies started with numbers in the 20’s. And a few of my non viable ones started with numbers in the 100s. That number is simply when the little cutie pie attached. Some take longer than others. Some uteruses (I think- super not scientific) let the little embryo grow a bit before it fully attaches. I think that little one is growing beautifully ❤️