“Lost Girl” Recap (4.12): Mother, may I sleep with danger?

What the hell? And I mean that most sincerely, what the actual hell? Does anyone know what is happening? You know when you take an impromptu afternoon nap only to wake up when it’s dark outside and are so confused for a second that you’re not sure what day it is or where you are or possibly what planet this is? Yeah, that is how I felt this whole damn episode. What the hell, Lost Girl?

Fine, I guess I should start at the beginning. Alas, poor Hale. I knew him, Faebians. A fellow of most infinite jest, of most excellent abs. I don’t know, Shakespeare seemed appropriate at a time like this. We’re at his funeral. It’s a bright, beautiful sunny day, which contrasts sharply with everyone’s moods. Isn’t there some sort of cosmic law that it must be overcast and/or raining during funerals? It seems like the respectful thing for Mother Nature to do.

Dyson delivers the eulogy and afterward everyone goes to observe the Day of Silence in his honor. Bo stays to comfort Kenzi, whose grief cannot be silenced. But it can be interrupted by a statuesque lady knight who emerges out of the bushes and immediately tells Bo she is hers. She calls Bo her Queen and Kenzi rolls her eyes. She’s like, can’t I be the lead character in my own freaking life for one damn second without a knight in freaking shining armor popping up out of nowhere and getting on one freaking knee for Bo? Answer: No, no you cannot.

p.s. That lady knight is none other than Casey Hudecki, Anna Silk’s Lost Girl stunt double.

So our lady knight, Rosette from the Order of Hilary Swank (What? She looks like her.), arrives with a message straight out of Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost: “You in danger, girl” But she uses “Queen” instead of “girl.” Tamsin is skeptical, but then gets distracted by her cool chainmail gloves. Accessories are everything, people.

Rosette (which reminds me of the Rosetta Stone, but is doing the opposite for me right now because she’s only making things more unintelligible), tells Bo she is there to protect her. Then she tells her about a prophecy foretelling the death of the Una Mens and rise of the Pyrippus and him seeking out the succubus and something about the Origin Seed. She even shows it to them in a book, so of course Bo believes her. Because books were just the original Internet and you can believe everything you read on the Internet.

OK, well at first Bo is like, I don’t give a shit about prophecies or seeds or Pyrippuses (or should it be Pyrippi?) She chases after Kenzi because her family needs her and for a few seconds everything actually makes sense. Kenzi also makes sense, in a mad, sad, vengeance-filled sort of way. All she can think about his killing Massimo – the more painful the better. Bo promises that he will pay.

So they go to make good on that promise and find Massimo and his terrible skin in his Druid Lair. (Dude, have you tried Pro-Active? Naya Rivera and Adam Levine swear by it, so you know it has to be good. Celebrities can’t lie, it’s in the contract.) Bo, Dyson and Kenz are ready for some old-fashioned murder, but Massimo has another prophecy to share with them. This one is about Rainer dying. Suddenly I am all ears. Apparently when The Wanderer’s first curse is broken, another will kill him in seven days. Cool! What day is this? Six? To quote that lovable red-headed orphan Annie: Tomorrow, tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow!

Then for a second I think Dyson and Massimo are going to kiss. Like, the Druid even whispers sweet nothings in his ear and everything. After hearing them, Dyson says they can’t kill Massimo. See, it must be love. Of course, they couldn’t have killed him anyway because of the Twig of Zamora. But, you know, details, shmetails. Dyson conveniently doesn’t tell them what Massimo told him, but carts him off to see that beacon of information sharing, Trick. Great, now we’ll never know. That grandpa keeps more secrets than the NSA.

Kenzi is understandably pissed. All she wants is a dead Massimo and all she gets is more Fae prophecy bullshit. She should go find Lauren and they should take turns doing shots for each insane thing the Fae have done to them.

Speaking of Lauren, she is the only one actually doing her own homework when it comes to prophecies and Fae history. If this was high school, she’d be the one turning in all her assignments early with the extra credit done twice and Bo would be the one trying to copy off the football player who fell asleep in front of her in class.