help me pretend to help you.

Please, if you will, answer these questions so I can make the blog that makes you happy*. Or, you can know by answering these questions that we can't be happy together.

*an exercise in futility, if you read on. Or, you know, already.

How did you get here?

I'm a regular/Tina, it's me, Dave.

I was googling for milk boobs.

I am very bored and have followed my friends' links as far as I can and you are the dead end.

Do you like babies?

A baby killed my family.

A baby saved my life.

Your baby is exquisite.

Do you like clumsy MS Paint drawings?

I love them.

I am blind.

I think I love them.

Do you mind if I swear?

Oh, fudge. I hoped you wouldn't ask that.

Fiddlesticks! Swear away, my good man!

I am a lady, you cocksucker.

But do you really mind? If you do, I'm sorry about what I said up there.

No, I don't mind.

Swearing degrades us all.

I secretly mind.

Do you wish I would overtly make this a mommy blog?

No!

Yes!

It is already.

I was going to ask if you care if I post about other topics, but I don't know that I care.

Good for you.

You are a bitch and I wish I could smack your face.

I am mad at you about something else.

Do you find this all unbearably wonderful??!!

This quiz? This blog? This life? Um....no?

I do! I'm spinning around like a CHILD!

Lop off the "y" and stick on an "e" and stop right there.

Which will it be?

Long walks by the beach, someone who can wear jeans or a tuxedo, someone both plain and fancy.

I am at the bottom of a giant bag of potato chips, hiding and eating.

I can't answer this, because I am already five web pages away.

All in all, I will return to this blog

because I love you/I'm your husband and you make me read everything right after you write it.

blog this to return will I, all in All, NO.

when you stop referencing this blog in your blog.

Thank you for taking this quiz. You are a brick and I owe you one. Please call me when you're moving and I will carry a box.

The thing is, you won't know if you got into the right preschool, or how you did, or what it all means, and neither will I because I built it funny. But submit your answers anyway because it hurts to take a quiz and not hit a button.

See, I built it to score not just with numbers but also with things like ":(" or "!" or ">:[". But it's too late to fix it and too late to care. The thing also didn't let me make your answers take you to a category like:

45-99 points: You're a stone fox!10-44 points: A little concealer goes a long way.-99-9 points: You googled for milk boobs.

Oh, fuck it.

Mostly top answers: You're conniving.Mostly middle answers: You've got a lot on your mind.Mostly bottom answers: There was a twenty dollar bill in the pocket of your blue cords. But you spent it on candy.