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I want to tell you something about life
About the dreams you hold inside
About the ups and downs, about the age and theft of
Years.
Of dreams went broke and left behind.
I want to tell you all…and something nice.
To sing a song along with it
That you can buy on isle 5.
I want to tell you all there is
Of love and hope, of hope and dreams
Of reaching out and going deep
Of holding your hand out into the cold hoping it would catch a drop.
I want to tell you something nice
of birds and songs that come alive
Only when you smile
Of songs that turn you into birds
With wings and `wanna play’s` into their eyes
With feathers of gold.
I want to tell you something more
Don’t give up on your dreams and go
Cause you don’t need to say it more
But the look in your eyes when you think of it – no matter that “it“ is – is incredible and luminous
I want for you to know it all
to tell you all and hold you long
To keep you all
Safe and confident, to do it all
To not take blame or shame along.
I want to keep you safe and warm
So you can dream
and hatch your hopes
to grow your wings
as strong as a bow
(that’s funny, cause bowing doesn’t come with wings)
and clear as fog.
I want to hold you space so close
but yet so loose and form your sacred place to grow
I want to tell you something more
Your dreams, your hopes, your love for songs
Is there, still warm, just waiting for a note to go
Across the sun, the yard, the sea
Across the Opera of Me.
I want to tell you this and more
I love your song and love you more
So go my child. Be brave and play
Play with your voice
And go away.
Don’t worry cause you’ll let me go
I’ll be here still, holding it all,
I’ll love you more than you can know
And happily keep shining on
For you, for me, for all of us
For all that needs to come on out

What i really need you to know is this
There is no right or wrong
No yes or no
There’s only this… this moment here
This second when you’re breathing in.
And even this, right now, is gone
So what i really need to know…
Just go, don’t need to know it all
Just fall and go
Go up the hill and down the road
Rise up from bed and try again
And go where you never thought you might go

It was March when you came. Unannounced, unprepared. Even for yourself.
It was just you and your dog. Nothing else. I found you sitting on the stairs, on my floor, in front of my door.

As I was walking up the stairs, I stopped, looked at you, even stared. You were there. I have dreamt of this so many times, in so many ways, and now, that you’re there, I couldn’t believ it. I passed you and got to the door, holding my breath, as if, if I exhaled, you would disappear…like a ghost. Puppy followed me, wiggling its tail, and as I opened the door, I looked back, my eyes asking you if you wanna come in.

I was silent on the outside, even cold, I couldn’t breathe, talk, think, but the inner voices we’re messing with my mind, my heart, my soul and butterflies. Inside of me a storm began: the thought you cannot be here, it’s not real, that I’m dreaming, the insane happiness of seeing you waiting for me as I waited for you all year, the dreams and hopes I created of you moving here, to try once more to be…more, the memories of that night, the kisses we shared, the glances we got lost into, the lust and despair of one night together and then the going away.

I put water to boil, looking at it so intensely as if I could boil it with my sight, listening to your steps, and the dog’s in the hallway and the house. You were there. Inside. My house. As you stopped in the kitchen’s doorway, I looked up. Your face, your smile, your blue eyes and red hair. Your eyes said so much, into them I could read the story of your year, the trip that got you here, the decisions you had do make, the family you left behind, the girlfriend you had for a few months, the memory of that night, our walk in the snow, the games, the team, your job and your mom. As I exhaled, I closed my eyes. What if I open them and you are not there anymore? I heard your steps toward me and as I opened my eyes, tears appeared.
– I cannot believe, where the first word to come out
– Come here, you said
– Why did you come? What are you trying to say?

Your hands around my waist as the water loudly boiled on the stove. I put my hands on your chest and suddenly I remembered it all, the night, the kisses, the memory of our bodies mixing into one, the feeling when you lift me, it was all back as if it was yesterday. You brought me closer and started to share your thoughts. You, who rarely talked, you, from whom I had to pull our words with a pair of tongs, you, who are so good at keeping things to yourself. You, who missed me, who remembered everything, just like me, you, who were grateful for opening up to me; you, who had a different life there, you, who fell in love for a month, you, who didn’t want to move back, but had to, you, who when you realized you had to move back for your mom, the first thought was of us.

But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever?

Nah. Too painful.

Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.”

“we like what we’re doing” – is the conclusion me and my friend, also a co-worker, reached together after a full weekend of training, while feeling exhausted.

I like what i’m doing – I have a purpose, I give meaning to others, i help them discover themselves and others. I should be happy. But, literally, i’ve been crabbing all the way through my last weeks and failing at almost everything the past few months. my efficiency is lower than the sea and i feel like i’m doing everything wrong. I have no time for my self, i spend most of my time at work or working, worrying that something may not be right, i sleep around 4 hours per night and no, i don’t work in a corporate.

The worst thing (for me) is that i’m considering working again in one, although i don’t agree with the system., and taking work and training purely for money, when i feel it’s not the right reason to do it… and that i don’t like my job anymore, after every training, i feel and think that i don’t want to do this anymore.

I used to love what i’m doing, i wanted to be a trainer, to do this. It was my vocation (or so i felt a year ago) and now … I was so passionate, there were months i didn’t care for anything else but work and loved it every thing about it (even it’s worse moments).

Yesterday, after a long training day (yes, on a Sunday, the third one in a row that is gonna keep on going until the end of the year), i realised it was dark and i didn’t know when the sun set and i wondered if this is who i wanted to become. Because i know that i don’t want to be this girl, who works all day long, feels exhausted and wants to quit at least once a week. and feels like she doesn’t have a choice but to stay because she’s responsible for something and she doesn’t know where (or if) she’ll find work. This is not growing or learning, this is not just giving up when it gets tough, this is that point, when i’ve lost touch with my self.

I feel like a little robot, doing things just because i have to and not because i want to.

I don’t have a solution yet to this problem, not one that doesn’t involve me quitting and leaving everything for a month or so, but if it’s one thing i know is that even passion and vocation can become a burden if you don’t take care of yourself.