One Intermarried Couple's Journey

Larry grew up proud of his Jewish heritage but eating pork and I was a lapsed Roman Catholic.

Larry and I were the classic interfaith couple.

He had been bar mitzvah’ed and was proud of his Jewish identity, but had grown up eating pork and shrimp and had no problem marrying a non-Jewish girl. I had been raised Roman Catholic, attending Mass every Sunday, until, as a teenager, I found it difficult to accept the story of the Christian savior’s birth.

Larry and I married in 1981 in a secular ceremony and opted to live with no religion. We settled in a mostly Italian neighborhood on Long Island’s South Shore and had three children, whom we raised in a no-faith environment. This worked just fine – at least in the beginning.

One Saturday in 1997, we drove out from Long Island to New Jersey to attend the bar mitzvah of a son of one of Larry’s employees. We attended the kiddush and luncheon, and then got in the car to drive back home. As we were pulling away, the mother of the bar mitzvah boy waved us down and asked us if we had room in the car for another guest, a woman who had traveled from Manhattan by bus.

“Sure,” we said, as we motioned to the kids to move over to make room for another passenger.

When the woman got into the car, our oldest daughter, Jessica, then 11, turned to her and asked, “What religion are you?”

“I’m Jewish,” she replied. Then, to be polite, she asked Jessica, “And what religion are you?”

“I’m nothing,” Jessica declared, a huge pout on her face.

Hearing her say this brought tears to my eyes. If our daughter can say she’s nothing, we must be doing something very wrong, I thought. We’re failing our kids.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see that Larry noticed that I was upset. And I knew he felt the same way.

Although neither of us was religiously observant, we had both been guided and shaped by the respective traditions we had grown up with. My parents were people of faith, devout Catholics, while Larry’s parents, though nonobservant, were proudly Jewish. But what identity were we giving our children?

To be a good Catholic, I had to accept the church’s dogma unquestioningly, and since I wasn’t willing to do that, Catholicism was not an option. That left Larry’s religion, Judaism.

As it happened, our kids attended a Jewish summer camp – not because it was Jewish, but because it was the best camp in the neighborhood and it happened to be close to our home. Although the camp was not religious, the kids did pick up Jewish songs and some Jewish observances there.

The next step, I decided, was to enroll them in Hebrew school in order to give them a religious foundation. When I noticed an ad in a neighborhood circular announcing a Friday night open house at a local Reform temple, I told Larry I wanted to go.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

At the temple, we were greeted enthusiastically, and our kids, who recognized their friends from camp, had a blast.

Shortly after the open house, we became members of the temple, after which the temple’s sisterhood delivered a welcome basket to our door containing two candles, a small bottle of grape juice, two challah rolls, and a printed card with the Shabbat blessings. When Larry came home from work, I showed him the basket.

“What should we do with this?” he asked.

“Uh, light the candles, make Kiddush, eat the rolls, and go to services."

The warm welcome at the temple, combined with the subsequent membership basket at our doorstep, spurred us to begin attending services regularly, while introducing basic Shabbat observances: candle lighting, Kiddush, family meals, and Bircat Hamazon.

Since the Reform movement recognizes patrilineal descent, my children were embraced as Jews and accepted to the temple’s Hebrew school, where they learned about the holidays, prayers, and Torah, and became staunch Zionists.

Many times, I asked the rabbi of the temple about conversion, but each time he came up with some excuse why now wasn’t a good time.

In April 1999, when we were on the verge of celebrating Jessica’s bat mitzvah – which was postponed a couple of years because she had a lot of catching up to do in Hebrew school – I told the rabbi that I could not attend the ceremony as a non-Jew. After two years of hemming, he finally agreed to convert me. I stood before a Reform beit din and was declared a full-fledged Jew.

Several months later, just before Sukkot, a mutual friend introduced us to the rabbi of a nearby Conservative synagogue, who invited us to attend services on Simchat Torah – a holiday that Reform Judaism combines with Shemini Atzeret. We enjoyed the services at the Conservative synagogue and liked the people we met, so we began attending Shabbat morning services there, in addition to Friday night services in the Reform temple, which did not offer much of a Shabbat morning service.

During the Torah reading at the Conservative synagogue, in between each aliyah, the rabbi would select a verse to discuss. We would examine the Hebrew and consider the translation, and we were invited to ask questions as he posed questions to us. I greatly enjoyed this close reading of the Torah, floating out of the synagogue each week on a high.

If we don’t give over this heritage to the next generation, I thought, it’s going to be lost.

In the summer of 2000, close to a year after we began attending services at the Conservative synagogue, we took our first family trip to Israel. What struck me most on that trip was how tiny a country Israel actually was and how dwarfed it was by its Arab neighbors. It was then that I realized how important a role every Jew in the world plays in perpetuating Jewish heritage. If we don’t give over this heritage to the next generation, I thought, it’s going to be lost.

We returned to New York deeply moved, our connection to Judaism further cemented. Shortly afterward, Larry’s grandmother, whom I loved dearly, passed away. She had come over to the US from Russia and had kept Shabbat and kashrut, but by the next generation, all of that had been lost. Mulling this over after her passing, I was again struck by the fragility of Jewish tradition, and felt compelled to protect it.

Agreeing that it was time to up our commitment to Judaism, Larry and I took the plunge and kashered our kitchen, with the help of the Conservative rabbi. The next day, our children – whom the Conservative movement did not consider Jewish – underwent conversion.

Originally, Larry’s aunt had planned to hire someone to say Kaddish for her mother, Larry’s grandmother, just as she had done after her father’s passing, but this time, Larry volunteered for the task. This was no small undertaking, as it meant that he had to pray three times a day with a minyan every day for almost an entire year – and he barely knew the prayers at that point. He didn’t even own a pair of tefillin yet, and he certainly had no idea how to put them on; half the time the straps would unwind and fall down his arm halfway through davening.

Morning and evening, he prayed at the Conservative synagogue, or at a nearby Orthodox shul. In the afternoon, he joined a Minchah minyan across the street from his Manhattan office, in the warehouse behind a wholesale electronics store. “I pray to big-screen TVs,” he would joke, referring to the huge TV boxes lining the walls all around the room.

Larry would come home and tell me what he had learned, and slowly, we both found ourselves growing interested in discovering more about Judaism.

He was in his early forties then, and for him to join minyanim of observant Jews who knew the prayers practically in their sleep involved an incredibly steep learning curve. Yet the members of each of the minyanim befriended and encouraged him. And because the electronics store across the street held a daily learning session before Minchah, he managed to learn some Torah each day together with them as well. He would come home and tell me what he had learned, and slowly, we both found ourselves growing interested in discovering more about Judaism. After the year of Kaddish was over, he continued davening three times a day, and we gradually became more and more observant, attending classes and lectures on Judaism together whenever we could.

All three of my children grew into ardent Zionists and made their way to Israel. Jessica attended college in Herzliya, and my son, Keith, and younger daughter, Alison, joined the IDF as lone soldiers. Eventually, each of them made aliyah.

When Jessica decided she was ready to get married, she realized that she had a problem: her Conservative conversion would not be recognized in Israel. She therefore signed up for a conversion course under the auspices of the Chief Rabbinate and underwent an Orthodox conversion in December 2014, after which she married a French baal teshuvah (returnee to observant Judaism).

Larry and I made plans to join them and make aliyah as well, and we booked tickets through Nefesh B’Nefesh to fly to Israel for good. Two years earlier, however, he had been diagnosed with cancer, and several weeks before our planned departure his condition worsened drastically. Rather than us joining the kids in Israel as planned, I called them all back to New York to say goodbye to him. He passed away in May 2017, just eight days before our scheduled departure. He was 62.

About a week before he died, when he was receiving hospice care at home, the hospice agency sent a social worker to our house to speak to us.

“Are you afraid to die?” she asked Larry.

“No,” he replied. (At that point he was in so much pain that he was ready to die.)

“What about your wife?” she asked. “Are you worried about her?”

“No,” he said again. “She’s going to move to Israel and make a life for herself."

Those words were his parting gift to me, for in saying this he gave me permission to go ahead and build a new life without him. He also imbued me with the confidence that I could actually go through with this move, which was quite a daunting task. I had to singlehandedly negotiate the sale of his business, sell our house, get rid of the stuff we had accumulated over 36 years of marriage, and then fly halfway across the world and begin a new life alone in a new country where I knew almost no one.

Surrounded with love and support, I was able to tie up all of the loose ends of our life in America before boarding a plane to Israel.

In retrospect, however, God had been kind to me by taking Larry before we made aliyah. Had he passed away in Israel, I would have been alone, with no one other than my children to comfort me. Instead, I sat shivah on Long Island, where I experienced an outpouring of kindness from family, friends, neighbors, work colleagues, and fellow shul congregants. Surrounded with love and support, I was able to tie up all of the loose ends of our life in America before boarding a plane to Israel in September 2017 and rejoining my kids.

My daughter Alison had enrolled in a conversion program in the course of her army service, and about a year ago she, too, underwent an Orthodox conversion. I was present at the ceremony, and while I was there I overheard the rabbis on the beit din ask each other, “Aval mah im ha’Ima -- but what’s with the mother?”

They meant me!

I considered myself a faithful Jew – but I decided to undergo an Orthodox conversion and follow my daughters' footsteps so that I would be fully accepted as a Jew according to Jewish law. (Keith, although living and working in Israel, has not yet taken that step.)

To me, becoming Jewish has been a process similar to a marriage. You get married thinking you know the other person, but really you don’t.

I enrolled in a comprehensive yearlong conversion course in English that covered everything from Jewish law to Jewish history to Tanach, prayer, Shabbat, and holidays. To me, becoming Jewish has been a process similar to a marriage. You get married thinking you know the other person, but really you don’t. It takes a long time, decades even, to really learn your spouse – and even then, you only get to know the other person through paying careful attention to every detail: his every word, his facial expressions, his unspoken thoughts.

Larry and I were able to sit at a table without saying a word and know what the other was thinking because we spent 36 years paying close attention to each other and caring about each other. Similarly, I think, a Jew’s relationship with God is built through caring about the details and investing effort into Torah, mitzvot, and prayer.

Technically, I became Jewish the moment I immersed in the mikveh. But, as I noted at a recent ceremony after my conversion here in Israel, I don’t believe that a person becomes Jewish in one moment. “I’ve been becoming Jewish for nearly 20 years,” I said.

The dayanim had asked me to address a group of new converts attending the ceremony, and in my speech I told them, “You think that just because you completed a conversion program and you’ve received a certificate stating that you’re Jewish, that means you’re done. But the truth is that you’re just beginning.

“Next week,” I continued, “you’re going to kasher your kitchen for Pesach for the first time. You’re not going to know what you’re doing, and you’re going to have to ask a whole lot of questions. Will it be perfect? No! But next year you’ll do it better, and the year after that better yet. It’s a process, a new challenge each time, and as time goes on, you get better at it and embrace it more deeply.

“Being Jewish is not about holding a piece of paper,” I concluded. “It’s about facing the lifelong challenge of living as a Jew."

Originally featured in Mishpacha Magazine, as told to the author of ‘Lifelines.’ www.mishpacha.comPhoto used graphic for illustrative purposes only.

I too, learned as an adult that I have Jewish ancestry, both sides mother and father. I’m trying to learn more. I’m proud of my Jewish heritage.

(41)
Leah Teller,
September 1, 2019 9:21 AM

Amazing journey

What a courageous women. May she continue her journey in good health and nachas.

(40)
glenda lafont,
August 31, 2019 12:24 AM

What a beautiful story.

(39)
E Wilson,
August 30, 2019 4:26 AM

May I point out that conversion to the Jewish Faith some 60 years ago was extremely difficult due to the Holocaust, and the understandable belief that ‘the number of Jews had to be held up and increased because of the tragic loss.’ You then had between shuls a sort of religious war going on consisting of which shul was the most orthodox and which openly shunned converts. In my hometown we had in 1961 10 shuls, now 2, 6 Kosher butchers now 1, and intermarriage is the norm. I estimate that there must be over 12 000 citizens who have one parent who is Jewish, and one parent not. Converts are very few in numbers and religious fervor in all creeds and faiths has declined to the point that the two shuls mentioned are virtually empty 49 weeks a year. In other fields – the Press for instance – newspaper sales have disappeared, and one wonders is there a connection, has the internet not only killed newspapers and department store sales but religious attendances as well?

(38)
Robert L Felix,
August 29, 2019 3:27 PM

Beautiful.........

(37)
Howard Floch,
August 29, 2019 3:09 PM

beautiful story

A very nice story. Usually mixed marriages go in the other direction.

(36)
Avie Shapiro,
August 29, 2019 3:23 AM

A Touching Personal Memoir

Thank you to the author of this personal life story for opening her heart and her Neshama/soul to us. The heartwarming story of your family's growth into Yiddishkeit is refreshing and hopefully will give others in similar developmental stages of religious growth the encouragement to keep moving forward until they also achieve the end goal. May Hashem bless their entire family with continued happiness and may each family member find their "basherter" and enjoy happy and productive lives.

(35)
Livia Rotari,
August 28, 2019 8:40 PM

Nice!

I am glad for you!

(34)
Randie Katzel,
August 28, 2019 5:18 PM

What an amazing blessing!

C Saphir, I'm blown away by your experiences. I think you might have Jewish roots! It is amazing to read about the transitions you made to reach making Aliyah and an Orthodox conversion. I think you have more feeling for Judaism than many Jews by birth. You are a credit to Klal Yisrael. Blessings to you and your family.

Anonymous,
August 29, 2019 5:10 AM

C. Saphir wrote the story, but it’s not about her life

If you read the very bottom of the article, you’ll see that the story originally appeared in Mishpacha Magazine and was written by C. Saphir.The woman in the story never revealed her true identity.But I agree with you. I think she has Jewish roots, especially since she couldn’t totally accept the Christian saviors birth. Also, she was open to taking on Jewish practices, letting her husband go to minyanim, etc.

(33)
Branda,
August 28, 2019 3:49 PM

kol ha kovodYour are Fanastic !HASHEM Should be with “YOU “, and the Children.Much Love ❤️ and kisses from me.South Shore of Long Island Supporter the Incredible LONE SOLDIER’S.

(32)
Anonymous,
August 28, 2019 8:29 AM

Identifying with the writer and thanking

My background. Young judea and Torah observant. I have had a fulfilled life, a life of purpose, a life of connection, and Torah, g d and mitzvos are worth it. I also praise aish hatorah for letting me teach Hebrew through prayer and sending me daily lift and news. I wish greater kindness and love throughout the world in this year to come

(31)
Anonymous,
August 28, 2019 6:46 AM

Conversion is just a formality.

I believe that not all Jews are born to Jewish parents. Some have to go the long way 'round in order to realise who they really are. Something inside, with divine providence, you makes you want to choose to be chosen.

(30)
ALEXANDER HAMLYN-HYDE,
August 28, 2019 5:02 AM

I love your story, yet - with all due respect - cannot help feeling that it is just about customs and different levels of adapting to them, without any reference at all to the unconditional trust in the Almighty's wisdom and goodness that is, at least to my very humble mind, the true essence of faith.

(29)
Sharon Ungar,
August 28, 2019 3:48 AM

Beautiful

Thank you Aish HaTorah for this wonderful and inspiring article. You will never know just how much I needed this now.

(28)
Susan Smithers,
August 28, 2019 3:29 AM

This was an incredibly moving article.

I admire the family who made this incredible journey to
Judaism. I’m awed by their love, curiosity, faith and joy.

(27)
Deborah Litwack,
August 28, 2019 1:08 AM

Brought me to tears

I know a family in Pittsburgh (Irish and Italian descent) who made a similar 3-step conversion. Hatzlacha in Israel among your newly expanded family.

(26)
Ruven Golan,
August 27, 2019 11:23 PM

touching story

(25)
Chaya,
August 27, 2019 11:20 PM

Gorgeous

What an incredible story. It brought tears to my eyes. May Hashem continue to bless you in everything you do.

(24)
Phil,
August 27, 2019 9:56 PM

similar story

Awesome story! It sounds so rare, but there is one story that has some key similarities: Harold Berman's excellent book "Double Life Journey." He has written some wonderful articles here at Aish!

(23)
Rachel K Graneng,
August 27, 2019 8:09 PM

This made me happy, than made me cry, and deeply sad. and than, made me happy again. God bless you and your family?

Ra'anan,
August 28, 2019 2:42 AM

Me,

Too!

(22)
Abby Hyman,
August 27, 2019 6:44 PM

A beautiful and moving article except for the tragic passing of the author’s husband.

(21)
K.H. Ryesky,
August 27, 2019 5:11 PM

ברוכים הבאים

Welcome!

Never mind the naysayers; you have many people in your corner.

קדימה לעד

(20)
Ayelet May,
August 27, 2019 4:49 PM

Uplifting!

What an uplifting story! Thank you for sharing your journey and may you have much happiness and nachas in the future journey that has yet to unfold.

(19)
Yitzchok,
August 27, 2019 4:47 PM

Quite a story

I first had a conservative “conversion” and then one where I accepted the whole Torah and really became Jewish. The author is right, it’s an ongoing and lifelong process of learning!

(18)
Sandy Saunders,
August 27, 2019 4:29 PM

I think the article is excellent and happy that that family had found their calling.

I'm happy that that family had found their strength and found their religious calling.

(17)
Robert (Reuven Chaim) Begtrup,
August 27, 2019 3:13 PM

Well told, and quite a familiar story.

The author has captured the progression from religious indifference or animosity to full engagement with Judaism. I quite agree that instantaneous “conversion” is not the genuine experience. Rather, conversion must be a gradual process, and the support of a good rabbi and a loving congregation is critical. Kol Hakavod.

(16)
M kramer,
August 27, 2019 2:48 PM

Beautiful

This was an awe inspiring article. I was born into an observatory family but to read about people although older turn to their faith and grow with it is beautiful.
The fact that their daughter gave them the key to change and grow is that much more meaningful to the whole family.
They should live and be well and keep the memory of their father alive among the mourners of yerushaliem.

(15)
Chany,
August 27, 2019 2:48 PM

Inspiring!

I applaud ur sensitivity, courage and conviction in following the truth, despite the difficult journey. As an ffb (frum from birth ) but having bt (baalei teshuva) and convert friends, I admire and respect ur commitment. May Hashem give u health, strength and wisdom to build a new life, and may you always have joy, serenity and nachas from ur family!

(14)
Geno,
August 27, 2019 2:37 PM

Finding the right road

There are so many roads one could take in life. It's like driving a car with a full tank and all these roads are before you. Some have twists and some hills. Some bumpy, some smooth. The catch is, there are no gas stations and we're all going to empty the fuel tank. To be content, we need to ride the right road. Judaism gives us a roadmap to a smooth safe road, no guarantees but many proven results.

(13)
Shimeon Weiner,
August 27, 2019 2:24 PM

Thank you for sharing

An inspiration. The whole family was willing to go out of their comfort zone - venture beyond mediocrity and search for meaning. Which you found. Thank you.

(12)
Yoel,
August 27, 2019 10:30 AM

impressed

Very sensitive and encouraging article. It is important to accept every person or family who wants to come closer to its Jewish roots and then try our best to transmit to those people more knowledge and information about the Jewish essence and character. Look what a long road accomplished this dear family and how they turned towards Zionism and Israel.I fear that if they would have taken directly the "orthodox route", they would have been rejected and G'd knows if their rapprochement to their Jewish sources would have taken place.I support the moderate-modern Orthodox view, but the Orthodox establishment in Israel and abroad does not find internally, inside themselves, spiritual leaders-Rabbis- who have the courage to make changes, in the framework of Orthodoxy. Very often , those Rabbis represent the view that says: "either you are like us and you follow our views, or you cannot be part of us". The Orthodox establishment and its spiritual leaders are afraid that if they make those changes, they could be "excommunicated" by their peers. So they decide not to do so, but such attitude shows a lack of courage and "betrayal" of their mission.Rabeinu Gershom, around a millennium ago, decided courageously that even if the Tora allows more than one wife, he decided that the Jew should marry only one woman. The Tora, G'd's word, allows and he, Rabeinu Gershom, prohibits.Of course , he explained the reasons and circumstances of his decision, but he showed a great courage , which today, the Orthodox Rabbis lack. Perhaps, excuse me, they are on a lower spiritual level, than their ancestors and Rabbis of the past. Perhaps they need a supplementary portion of courage.

I congratulate this nice family on their "long and winding" , courageous and impressive road.

(11)
Anonymous,
August 27, 2019 3:33 AM

Thank you for sharing this. It reminds me of my own journey and is so inspirational. You are a true Esthet Chayil.

(10)
Anonymous,
August 27, 2019 3:22 AM

Welcome home !!

Great inspiration for others in a similar situation

(9)
Raymond,
August 26, 2019 10:53 PM

Such a Wonderful Story

Such a wonderful story, and told so very well. This woman sure has a way with words. I feel like crying.

(8)
Nicholas Heavisides,
August 26, 2019 5:23 PM

moved to tears

I learnt when I was an adult that I had Jewish ancestry. I am reading the Tanakh for the eighth time to learn about the Jewish people (and of course Adonai), but also want to learn from present day Jews. I found this article informative and inspiring.

(7)
Susan Bohbot,
August 26, 2019 3:06 AM

A beautiful inspiring and moving story. My best wishes for the author and her new life in Israel.

Inspiring

(6)
Yael,
August 25, 2019 11:54 PM

You sound incredible

So inspiring. Wow. Best of luck to you! Thanks for sharing!

(5)
Kenneth,
August 25, 2019 11:19 PM

Conversion

This conversion process has taken me and my wife five years. Our personal philosophy is "conversion or death!" We do not plan on dying, in the near future.
Once our conversion is completed, we are proceeding directly to bankruptcy court, because becoming an observant Jew is expensive.????

(4)
Rachel,
August 25, 2019 11:11 PM

No guarantees

My background is similar to the author’s, but I converted before our children were born. Nonetheless, design sending them to day school, both are added and neither is observant, although they are strong Zionists. If we had it to do over, I think making aliya where they were young might have been better, but my husband and I both had older parents who needed us nearby. I can only have faith that Hashem will eventually help us all straighten out these things. And one area in which the non-Orthodox do better is in welcoming those who have little prior Jewish background. We need to drive better so others will feel that they are not lacking because they were not fortunate enough to have command of Hebrew, Shabbat observance, and a kosher honor while growing up.

(3)
Shellie Berman,
August 25, 2019 12:55 PM

beautiful story

I am so impressed that your entire family converted one way or another. We lose so many of our own because of laziness or lack of interest. It is so comforting that you wanted to join us. Wishing you and your kids every success in your aliyah. By the way, even as a Baal tshuva of almost 30 years, I am still learnng and asking questions.

(2)
Sharon,
August 25, 2019 12:32 PM

I loved this story!

And it all began from two parents' sensitivity at seeing their daughter's unhappiness at having no religion. You both did great! It's wonderful that Hashem guided you both in this long journey. It's awfully sad that Larry didn't make the final step in your planned aliya, but his life was a success and he knew you would complete what you both began. I've no doubt that you will find a supportive community in Israel, (if you haven't already). Your story is beautiful and anyJew would be proud to have you as a friend.

(1)
Laura,
August 25, 2019 12:08 PM

Thank you for sharing your family’s incredible and amazing faith journey, May your family always be blessed!