Legal humor. Seriously.

May 18, 2014

Fingolfin Defeated Again by Morgoth (This Time in Portland)

The last thing the woman from Northeast Portland probably expected when she got up Tuesday morning was that she would be attacked by a sword-wielding elf.

But that's what happened around 7 a.m. as she drove her red BMW by the intersection of Southeast 7th and Morrison. A man dressed in chain mail with a helmet, shield and carrying a sword and staff ran into traffic and started attacking her car. She called 911, reporting that "a pirate" was attacking her car.

[The assailant] told officers that he wasn't a pirate but a "high elf engaged in battle with the evil Morgoth."

KATU.com (thanks, Steve) did go on explain to readers that "Morgoth" is the primary evil character in the prequel to The Lord of the Rings (The Silmarillion—he was Sauron's boss at the time, if that helps), but went no further. Luckily for you, I'm enough of a nerd to be able to fill in some of the unnecessary and ridiculous details, which I assume are part of the reason you come here anyway, aren't they?

Morgoth is the tall one

Most importantly, there is only one high elf who actually "engaged in battle" with Morgoth, so this has to have been Fingolfin, High King of the Noldor. (Before I get hate mail, I am aware that Lúthien also confronted Morgoth and in fact she defeated him, but she danced his ass to sleep, didn't she? Not exactly the same thing. And yes, Morgoth also killed Fingolfin's dad, but that wasn't in battle. A little credit here, please.) Of course, Fingolfin didn't survive the first fight, but Glorfindel came back from the dead (oh yes he did!), so there's at least a precedent for that. So based on the admittedly limited information we have here, I think we can safely conclude that the elf in question was Fingolfin.

On the other hand, there is no reference in any Tolkien work of which I'm aware to Morgoth driving a BMW. If he drove anything, it'd probably be a Hummer, and it'd be black, not red.

So I guess the better explanation for this event is probably this: the gentleman claiming to be Fingolfin "also told officers he had taken LSD."

Maybe that's what he meant when he said he was a "high elf."

Either way, he was probably pissed to be mistaken for a mere "pirate." So much for the glory of the First Age.