Lars Von Trier’s Nymphomaniac Will Be 5 Hours Long, A Comedy

Nymphomaniac doesn’t open until Christmas Day in Denmark, but we’ve already heard a LOT about it. Besides the news that the film would feature full penetration (with the lead actors’ torsos digitally grafted to their body doubles like f*ck centaurs) and the story that Shia LaBeouf won his part by sending Von Trier sex tapes of LaBeouf and his girlfriend, we’ve seen multipleteasers, script excerpts and stills.

Maybe one reason they haven’t been shy about releasing material is because there’s so much of it. According to a new piece from the Norwegian site Montages (via The Dissolve), the movie is five freakin’ hours long. I mean, I like sex as much as the next guy, but even I have to tap out around the 45-second mark.

First, the basic plot (most of which we already know):

The story is told by the nymphomaniac Joe (Stacy Martin, Charlotte Gainsbourg) through eight flashbacks. When a charming bachelor named Seligman (Stellan Skarsgård) finds Joe laying in the street, beaten black and blue, he takes her home to care for her. Soon she starts to talk openly about a life that has been eventful, to put it mildly.

So, sort of like Forrest Gump, but with depravity and gangbangs. And oh yeah, it’s going to be five hours long.

At present Nymphomaniac is five hours long, and according to plan it will consist of two volumes, each two and a half hours long. The intention is to release them simultaneously – they are not meant to be experienced as two films.

“Simultaneously” isn’t the same thing as “together.” Does this mean we have to buy separate tickets for each? It’s unclear. Possibly there’s a language barrier. I’ll say this though, a møøse bit my sister once.

Also? It’s a comedy.

The film is said to be very funny – at times closer to pure comedy than anything von Trier has made since The Idiots and The Boss of It All. Its black humour is mostly present in the film’s first half, however, since the story gradually grows darker and more tragic.

I love The Idiots, and actually, Von Trier’s twisted sense of humor is the main reason I like him. Humor is what separates Von Trier from other “acclaimed auteur”-type directors like, say, Terrence Malick. Aside from crushing it with his Nazi stand-up routine at Cannes (“Oont zen za Jew says, ist zat all you people evah seenk about? … Get it? Anyvone? Hallo, Keersten? ..I don’t seenk zeess mic isht vorking.”), he has written an episode of the Klown TV show. Bottom line, I’d be delighted for his fox to chew the dick off my funny bone.

Five hours though? Even Dave Chappelle in full meltdown only performed for that long once or twice.

Here’s the latest Nymphomaniac clip, with Uma Thurman showing her children the bed where their father cheated on their mother. HILARIOUS!

Additionally, the fact that women don’t appreciate the versatility of “The Whoring Futon” and in fact think contemptuously of it despite its ingenuity…well, let’s just say it doesn’t help fight any stereotypes about irrationality.

“The ‘Female Orgasm’ is the most insidious and pervasive fallacy foisted upon man in modern times. Its tyranny cannot stand, and I will suffer no fool who will not recognize the ludicrosity on the face of the very notion. He who will not throw off this yoke and free himself deserves the fool’s end he has condemned himself too.”
– Donald Rumsfeld