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Thursday, July 26, 2012

I'm not gonna lie, I've been a tad bit nervous for the last week or so about our ultrasound today. I was on a high for the first few days following our first u/s, and then the doubt and worry started to creep back in. They mostly would creep in during my moments of feeling well (i.e. no nausea), which seems to happen more often lately.

However, luckily the neausea kicked back in for a couple hours last night, and after feeling myself up for the 100th time I decided my boobs are way bigger than they have ever been. So even though I was still nervous walking in today, I did have quite a bit of confidence that things were still trekking along like they should be.

And today, the babes did not disappoint.

Babe A is measuring 8w5d with a heart rate of 180bpm and Babe B is measuring 8w6d with a heart rate of 177bpm. And, they actually are starting to look like babies! They have little tiny arm and leg buds, we could see their spines, and the dark spots on their heads are the brains forming.

It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life. Babe B was even showing off and wiggling around for us a little bit :)

I know we still have many more milestones to reach before we bring these babies home safe and healthy. But today I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I can actually let go of my fear and start enjoying this pregnancy and letting myself get excited.

Monday, July 16, 2012

I'll just cut right to it. We saw TWO beautiful heartbeats at our ultrasound this morning! Both are measuring right on track for 7 weeks, and both had a heartrate of 142 bpm (little stinkers are already acting exactly alike!). She said the yolk sac was sacs were measuring good (I'm not sure why this matters, but she said it did). I do have a small hematoma, which they said could cause some bleeding. They said it's not big enough to be a cause for concern. Maybe that explains the spotting I had last week?

I, of course, immediately started crying when the tech told us the news. I was so entranced staring at the screen, I didn't look at Jeff too much, but I could hear him sniffling beside me as well. It was a beautiful moment :)

Obviously, it's still early and we have a long way to go. We've been to the the point of seeing a heartbeat twice before. But I do feel like we did so much differently this cycle, and everything up to this point has been close to perfect that, for right now, I'm optimistic. We're going to take this one appointment at a a time and try not to think too far ahead (but we all know how easy it is to daydream and let your mind wander).

Thursday, July 12, 2012

When I found out I was pregnant again this time, I decided pretty quickly that we weren't going to tell ANYONE until we made it through the first trimester (or close to it). And by anyone, I mean our immediate families (since those are the only ones we've ever told early on before). It wasn't because I didn't want to have to un-tell, we've always received great support in those times. It was more for a variety of other reasons.

- I don't like getting everyone's hopes up, only to later disappoint them.

- I don't like everyone getting excited about it, when I'm still very unsure of how things are going to turn out.

- I don't like people asking me how I feel. At this point I'm trying to block out the fact that I'm even pregnant just to help keep me calm, and people constantly bringing attention to it isn't going to help.

- This last one is really stupid. I still dream of being able to make some grand announcement at 13 weeks that we are expecting. Yes, after 3 miscarriages I'm still holding on to the dream of that moment. I long for that moment so badly. It makes me so sad and angry that it has been ripped away from me 3 times now. For once, just once, I would love to be a "normal" person and do a cute announcement.

With that being said, I ended up spilling the beans to my mom this week. She had a doctor's appointment up here yesterday morning, and came up Tuesday night to spend the night at our place. We had spent last weekend with my parents (my sister-in-law was back in the state with my niece and nephew and we went to her parents' house to see them). We are going to spend this next weekend with my parents again (my dad's side is getting together). When I refuse a beer, it's pretty obvious what's going on so I figured after last weekend my parents had a pretty good suspicion I was knocked up. If I did the same thing again this weekend, it was going to be really obvious. I know some would say, let people think what they want but it doesn't mean you have to fess up. The problem is, I knew spending many hours of alone time with my mom was going to be really awkward if I didn't say anything. And, I hate lying to my mom. I've never been able to keep things from her (this is the girl who crawled into her parents' bed the morning after her first night of drinking in high school to beg her mom for anything - anything - to make the vomit and headache to go away).

So, I told her. And she said she already knew (how do mothers know these things?!).

I'm not sure how I feel about telling her. I enjoyed Jeff and I being the only ones to know and having our own little secret from the rest of the world. But, she's my mom and it's good to know I have one extra person to turn to for support if I have any freakout moments.

Speaking of, in an update to the spotting I wrote about Monday, it ended up stopping by Monday afternoon and I haven't had anything since. So hopefully it was nothing, and I'm honestly not too worried about it (which doesn't mean I still don't dread going to the bathroom for fear of what I'll find).

Monday, July 9, 2012

So I'm entering the 6th week now. The day I found out I was pregnant again, I told Jeff I really hope I'm puking my guts out this entire pregnancy because then I would at least feel like everything was okay.

Well, it seems as though my wish has been granted, sort of. I haven't come to the point of actually vomiting yet, but definitely haven't felt well for several days now. I recently read of morning sickness being similar to a hangover. I think that analogy is spot on. If you've ever been unfortunate enough to go over your alcohol limit you know what I'm talking about. You feel nauseous and on the verge of wanting to run to the bathroom, but at the same time you feel like a hot, greasy cheeseburger will for sure make you feel better. And then after consuming said cheeseburger, you still feel like crap.

This is something I haven't experienced with any of my other 3 pregnancies (or if I did I know it wasn't this early, or this strong) so that definitely helps calm my nerves a little.

My boobs are sore and have doubled in size already (okay, not literally, but pretty darn close).

I really, truly have a good feeling about this and I hope I'm not jinxing things by saying that. Surely, surely, the universe won't make us go through this a 4th time, right? I feel like our bad luck HAS to run out at some point. I'm just trying to remain positive and not overthink things.

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So that's what I was thinking...until I woke up this morning to brown spotting. It's very, very minimal, but it's there. So all the positive thinking I've been doing for the last 2 weeks has pretty much flown out the window. I know it's common, and it probably doesn't mean anything is wrong. But it still annoys me. Can't I ever have a smooth-sailing pregnancy??

Monday, July 2, 2012

Saturday night a girlfriend and I went to see Magic Mike. I was caught somewhere between really wanting to see it, and being a little skeptical. Don't get me wrong, Chan.ning Tatum makes for some good eye candy, but the more movies I see him in, the more I think he's not that great of an actor. So walking into the theater, I wasn't sure what to expect.

But I have to say, it ended up being a really good movie. It was so much fun. Seeing it on the big screen made me feel like I was in the middle of a male strip club (with hot strippers, not the nasty greasy ones) with my girlfriends.

Channing's acting didn't annoy me so much in this movie as it has in others. And the dancing? Oh boy, the dancing (and stripping) was out of this world. I told Jeff he needs to watch it and take some notes on how to girate his hips like that, haha!

So yeah, if you're looking for a silly good time, I highly recommend it.

About Me

Hello and welcome! I started this blog in 2011 in the midst of our infertility journey. After 3 unexplained miscarriages (likely due to my PCOS diagnosis), and the help of some drugs, I conceived twins! Our miracles, Chase and Alexis, were born in January 2013. Life has been crazy since they were born, and my hope is to start dedicating more time to sharing the good, bad, and the ugly here with you all!