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Sunday, November 17, 2013

My LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play from Week 11's Raiders vs. Texans Game

12:30 PM EST -- Technically...technically...the Raiders aren't eliminated from playoff contention yet. That said, we all know the season is pretty much over and done with, and the only thing really on the line from here on out is pride...and by pride, I mean "doing better than 4-12, hopefully."

12:32 PM EST -- The big story this week, of course, is that Terrelle Pryor is out with a knee injury, so our starter in Houston will be Matt McGloin.

12:37 PM EST -- The Texans lead the all-time series 5-2. Obviously, Ed Reed got sent packing earlier in the week, and under-performing running back Arian Foster is on injured reserve for the evening. Of course, the Raiders' OWN under-performing running back is also out of action this evening, so maybe it's all a wash, then?

12:41 PM EST -- The Texans are 0-7 after starting out the season 2-0. So far, the highlight of their season has been their head coach having a seizure on the sideline. As a Raiders fan, consider me highly envious.

12:44 PM EST -- Houston has more overall yards per game and more aggregate passing yards than Oakland, while the Raiders have a slight run game advantage. In terms of team defense, the Texans are also allowing less yardage per game overall as well as in the air, while the Raiders are marginally better at stopping the ball on the ground.

12:49 PM EST -- Case Keenum is the starting QB for the Texans, which effectively makes this afternoon's game sort of a reverse Tom Brady/Peyton Manning gun fight, essentially.

1:03 PM EST -- Texans begin on offense. And the ball carrier is CRUSHED behind the line of scrimmage on first down.

1:05 PM EST -- Second and 13, and Tate nearly has enough for the first. AND THE TEXANS COUGH IT UP! Raiders takes over on offense at Houston's 20.

1:07 PM EST -- That was Charles Woodson with the defensive scoop up, by the way. A third and short situation for Oakland approaches.

1:08 PM EST -- And the Raiders have enough for a new set of downs. Ten yards until paydirt.

1:09 PM EST -- False start call on the Raiders, so that'll push them back a couple of yards for a do-over on 1st.

1:10 PM EST -- Not much going in the red zone. Third down coming up.

1:11 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS!

1:12 PM EST -- McGloin with a laser to Denarius Moore for a five yard TD reception. 7-0 Raiders early in the first quarter.

1:17 PM EST -- Texans begin their next drive from about their own 20. A third and short is coming up.

1:19 PM EST -- The Raiders will start at about their own 25. They've ran one pass play so far today...which lead to a touchdown. Not that I'm hinting, or anything...

1:20 PM EST -- Goddamn, the Bushes are in attendance for today's game! And I'm not talking about Reggie or Michael's kinfolk, either.

1:22 PM EST -- Third and five (or six, or seven) coming up. Well, actually, a third and three. And the Raiders pick up the first. Mcgloin is 3-3 on passes so far this afternoon.

1:24 PM EST -- And Reece drops a pass at midfield that probably would've been a TD. This McGloin kid can throw, that's for damn sure.

1:25 PM EST -- Personal foul on the Raiders sets them back 15 yards. It's third and 17 now. And a shuttle pass behind the line of scrimmage that goes nowhere. Time for Oakland to punt.

1:27 PM EST --A holding call on the Texans will put them back a couple of yards on their next drive.

1:30 PM EST -- AND THE RAIDERS INTERCEPT KEENUM! That's Houston's second turnover of the day.

1:31 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS!

1:32 PM EST -- McGloin with a 16-yard bullet pass to Rod Streater, which is followed up by a rarely called taunting penalty on Oakland. Regardless, it remains 14-0 Raiders in Ron Paul's earmark-clogged backyard.

1:36 PM EST -- Second and 7 for Houston. And an enormous pick up for the Texans follows suit, nearly putting them into field goal territory.

1:40 PM EST -- And a holding call on the Raiders sets them back several yards on their first play of the drive.

1:41 PM EST -- Raiders facing third down as the first quarter concludes.

1:45 PM EST -- 4th and 1, and here come Marquette King. And a holding call on Houston will push them back a couple of yards.

1:46 PM EST -- Keenum with damn near a 50 yard pass to Andre Johnson.

1:47 PM EST -- A missed tackle, and it's a third and one situation for the Texans.

1:48 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN TEXANS.

1:49 PM EST -- Keenum to Graham for a 42 yard touchdown pass that really should've been a sack for a 20 yard loss. 14-7, with the Raiders up by a touchdown.

1:50 PM EST -- Yardage estimates thus far: Texans, 132, Raiders, 68.

1:51 PM EST -- And McGloin with a 33 yard pass to Holmes. The Raiders are now stationed at the midfield logo.

1:54 PM EST -- Third and six. And Streater drops the pass. The Texans take the field at their own 15.

1:58 PM EST -- First and 15 for the Texans. Now it's a third and 5.

1:59 PM EST -- And a false start on the Texans makes it a third and 10.

2:00 PM EST -- The Texans can't reel it in, so it's time for Houston to punt.

2:04 PM EST -- A third and six situation for the Raiders. And nothing going on that, so the Raiders' punting unit hits the field. If you really, really like punts, you'd probably enjoy the hell out of this one.

2:08 PM EST -- About six minutes left in the half. A third and two situation for Houston. And Keenum gets chased out of the pocket and bounces it.

2:09 PM EST -- Texans have to punt. If I did a shot every time I saw Marquette King on the field, I'd be hospitalized with alcohol poisoning by now.

2:12 PM EST -- Third and one for the Raiders. And a false start flag on the Raiders. Glorious.

2:13 PM EST -- So it's a third and six now. And Moore can't reel it in.

2:30 PM EST -- 40 seconds left in the half. And the Raiders get possession at their own 20.

2:32 PM EST -- Second and 13 for the Raiders. Thirty three seconds to go. And they don't even give a fuck. The clock runs out, and it's time for a very stern lecturing in the Raiders' locker room.

2:33 PM EST -- Well, the Raiders defense looked really, really good in the first quarter, and McGloin looked like a real-life NFL quarterback. Then, the second quarter happened, and the Raiders D decides to allow 17 unanswered points while the team's receiving crew decide to collectively forget how their own fingers work.

2:36 PM EST -- Shit, I don't even know what to say about this one. Hold on to the ball, fellas? More blitzes? Make tackles instead of not making tackles? Really, you can just list ALL of the criticisms you can lob at a football team, and it would probably be appropriate for the Raiders' current predicament.

2:37 PM EST -- Elsewhere in the league: the Bills are slaying the Jets by 20, the Eagles are pounding the Redskins into submission, the Steelers are cosplaying as bumblebees and a tornado just destroyed Soldier Field.

2:41 PM EST -- Just so you know: a dude brought his eight year old kid into a SPORTS BAR. You'd think the part about it being a SPORTS BAR would, you know, make you not think about bringing a kid into something called a SPORTS BAR.

4:26 PM EST -- Third and one. Well, never say Raiders games aren't exciting. And also tragic.

4:27 PM EST -- And Woodson has to leave the backfield. Even better.

4:28 PM EST -- And the running back is dropped behind the line. One minute to go...this is the ball game, folks.

4:29 PM EST -- Woodson is back in. AND THE RAIDERS D MAKES THE STOP! But there's a holding call, so they get ANOTHER SHOT at fourth down!

4:30 PM EST -- ...but it don't matter, because Schaub can' t hit shit. Turnover on downs, and the Raiders are a WINNER deep in the heart of Texas!

4:31 PM EST -- Well, the Raiders improve to 4-6, which means we are officially AS good (if not better) than last year's dismal squad. And with McGloin actually able to hit a receiver every now and then, this surely means there won't be a quarterback controversy in Oakland. Nope, that would never, ever happen. Ever.

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