(Closed) Rushing into Marriage?

Hi bees, anonymous bee here. I recently (within the last month) got back together with an old boyfriend. Back when we dated 2 years ago, we got along splendidly, always having a laugh, and got to know each other pretty well. He was much more religious than I was at the time, but that didn’t get in the way. However, after a couple months, he grew clingy and attached and was always focused on the future- on getting married. This didn’t appeal to me at all. I was moving to England in the summer for what was going to be at least 3 years to go to school. So we ended up breaking up over that, and I moved away. Then, I decided to call it quits in England after a year, and I came home. Almost a year after coming home, we somehow reconnected and realized we still really cared for one another. I have embraced christ much more now, and that was a large part of what brought us back together, I think. We’ve been dating for only about a month now, and he has already brought up marriage. I don’t think we’re ready for that! Three nights in a row, he had what I think are most likely panic attacks, in which he gets overwhelmed by doubts about our future and God’s plan for both of us. He lets these doubts get to him so intensely that he lets it cloud his desire to be with me, sometimes to the extent of wanting to break up because he can’t see this relationship working. I’ve mentioned that God’s plan is always changing, so there’s no reason to worry about it so much, and he agrees but can’t seem to recall that when the doubts come back. He seems to think marriage will fix these doubts. I disagree. I’ve managed to get him out of these moods after a few hours, but its not easy and takes a huge toll in my confidence in us. I don’t want to rule out getting married completley ( in the next couple of years) but definitley not right now, without working through these issues first. I feel like a big factor is that he hasn’t been with anyone else before, only one not very serious girlfriend. I, on the other hand, have dated enough to know what I’m looking for in a relationship. We had agreed not to have sex, but we got lost in the moment and ended up doing it anyways. I wasn’t a virgin at that point but he was, and I feel like this is contributing to his doubts and his desire to get married. I want to help him see our present; after all, if we don’t have a present, how can we have a future? He is the sweetest, kindest, most caring guy, and God plays a huge role in his life. I don’t want to give up on him but I don’t know what I can do to help shake off the doubts and focus on now! Any advice is appreciated.

I agree with you, you really want to give it time. At least a year, and ideally at least 2. This is a bit of a “do as a I say not as I do” because I got engaged in under a year (about 9 months), but then we were already mid 20s. But your relationship sounds really unstable, you need a decent amount of time to get to know each other properly. You are right, marriage won’t fix problems. Give yourselves time as bf/gf first.

Good on your for wanting to follow Christ more! If you want to wait from marriage (from here on) then you really want to watch your physical relationship. To get “lost in the moment” you need to do a few things, like be alone for a decent time and be already getting really physical. Set yourselves physical boundaries if you wish to avoid that in future.