STUDY: Men Hate Brunch

A recent analysis of male stress and seratonin levels revealed that men in heterosexual relationships have a unanimous aversion to Sunday brunch. This groundbreaking discovery marks the first time ever that a mealtime has been evaluated as a factor in determining the mood of boyfriends specifically. Dr. Karl Meyers at the Center of Clinical Psychology at Columbia University explained the hypothesis of the study in a press conference this morning:

“Throughout ‘brunch’ cities, colleagues and I have observed a consistent pattern among heterosexual couples in which the male at a restaurant during brunch is significantly less happy and energetic than his female counterpart. Initially, we thought this may simply be HFS (hangover fatigue syndrome), but a sampling of men who do not consume alcohol exhibited identical characteristics to those who’d had just come off of an SNB (Saturday night bender).”

With further research, multiple factors emerged to contribute to the negative impact brunch has on boyfriends across the nation. The least surprising factor was the economy, as articulated by Subject 81:

“It’s bad all over right now, you know? What’s a dozen eggs? 3 dollars? But we gotta leave the house for 12-dollar omelets? It’s retarded! Then I’m a jerk if I say that…at least I got a girlfriend, though, right?”

“Maybe it would be different if any of them had boyfriends, too. But after sitting around with them and hearing them talk about shoes and Us Weekly and other dumb [crap], I figured out that all their boyfriends probably killed themselves to keep from going to these stupid brunches all the damn time.”

Is it the powdered sugar that makes this $23? Or is it the out-of-season strawberries?

While many of the subjects shared similar stories to those mentioned earlier, others pointed to fundamental linguistics as their reason from hating brunch:

“It’s not a word! It’s not ‘lunner’ if I eat at 6pm, is it?…Some [inconsiderate] bastard made it up to get couples out of bed! And I’ll bet one thousand ‘brunches’ that the guy who did it didn’t have a girlfriend!”

Whether this study will have change the face of Sunday dining among couples remains to be seen. But the anonymity requested by all involved in the study* suggests that the status quo will be maintained as long as boyfriends assure their girlfriends that the study does not speak for all men. Spoiler alert: it does.

*One exceptionally angry subject did not mind his name being used because he planned on dumping his girlfriend at brunch for poetic reasons.