Fanfiction: Pokémon Platinum Parody

I turned off the TV and began to walk downstairs when Markus[3] ran into me at speeds not humanly possible. “Hey! Did you see that thing on the TV!? Of course you did!” he said spastically.

“How did you get over here so quickly? The report only ended 5 seconds ago!”

“Oh! Hey! Is that a new PC!?”

“Um, yes, but…”

“Oh! Right! So I was saying that if we go see that guy on the TV, the he’ll give us Pokémon!”

“That’s highly optimistic of-”

“Great! I’ll meet you at my place! I’m charging you 1 million if you’re late!”

“But my wallet can only hold 999999!”

“Bye!”

“He needs to take his medicine.”

* * *

I walked within 3 feet of his door and Markus crashed into me at his usual high speeds.

“Ouch.” I said, rubbing my nose.

“Hey! C’mon! Let’s g- Oh, wait! I forgot something in my room!” He said before promptly turning around and running back into his house.

I stepped inside and Markus’s mom turned around and told me that Markus was in his room; she then mentioned that he can’t sit still and wonders who he takes after. I walked up the stairs only to have Markus run into me and send us both tumbling down the stairs.

“You need to watch where you’re going!” Markus said to me.

“ME!! I need to watch where I’M going!?”

“Be more careful from now on! I’ll meet you at the beginning of Route 201! I’m charging you 10 million if you’re late!”

“Really!? Hmm…I know! We’ll just run through the grass so quickly that the Pokémon won’t have time to attack us!”

“That won’t work.”

“Don’t be silly! Of course it will!”

“What if they’re already in front of us?”

“……That won’t happen! I’ll go first!”

“…Idiot…”

Markus got a running start, but some old dude came from the direction of the lake and yelled at him to Hold It[6] and asked us what we were doing and how could we be so stupid.

“Who are you anyways, old dude?” I asked.

“I am Professor Rowan; now why don’t you answer my question? What were you doing?”

I let Markus answer because I knew he would answer before I could anyways.

“We were going to go see you so we could ask you for Pokémon, but now you’re here so we don’t have to!”

A girl carrying a suitcase came from the lake.

“Who are you” She asked me.

“I’m Vlax and this is my ADHD friend Markus; who are you?”

“I’m Hawkia; I’m this old dude’s assistant.”

I snickered at her stupid name

“Vlax is a stupid name” She said.

“Hey!”

“Well it is” She said while shrugging.

I was about to tell her that her name was also stupid when the professor told me and Markus that we could have Pokémon. He then told Hawkia to open the suitcase and began to explain our options.

“First there is the Fire-type–”

“FIRE!!!” I yelled and grabbed the Pokéball.

“So…why did you choose the fire-type starter?” Hawkia asked.

“Because I’m a pyromaniac! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!”

Markus chose Piplup.

“Why did you choose the water-type?” I asked.

“Because water is cool and calm!”

“And that fits you why!?”

“That doesn’t matter! Let’s battle!”

PKMN Trainer wants to battle!

PKMN Trainer Markus sent out Piplup!

Go! Chimchar!

Chimchar used Scratch!

The foe’s Piplup used Pound!

Chimchar used Scratch!

The foe’s Piplup fainted!

Player defeated PKMN Trainer Markus!

“Okay then,” Professor Rowan said, “You two go home and tell your parents what happened and see me at my lab tomorrow. Come on Hawkia.”

As they left, Hawkia stuck her tongue out at me.

* * *

As my mom was serving dinner, I decided to tell her what happened. It definitely caught her off guard, much more so than I expected. She just said that I should get some sleep because I have a big day ahead of me.

* * *

I was about to leave for Professor Rowan’s lab when my mom stopped me and said that she had a gift for me.

“These are Running Shoes.” She said

“Why are the first letters of ‘Running Shoes’ capitalized?” I asked.

She ignored me and continued to speak.

“The instruction book says to press the B button while walking and you’ll run”

“What the hell does that even mean!? And why do the shoes have an instruction book!?”

“C’mon Vlax! Let’s go!” Markus yelled.

Even with running shoes, Markus is impossible to keep up with. Hawkia was waiting for us outside the lab.

“Hi person with ADHD and person with stupid name!” she said.

I stopped to talk to Hawkia briefly. Markus ran into the lab’s automatic sliding glass door and fell over on his back.

“You have to wait 2 seconds to let the door open.” I told him.

“Oh!” he said, bolting back upright.

Hawkia said we should go inside too.

* * *

Professor Rowan gave us this long speech about some dream he had and then told me and Markus to fill a Pokédex. As soon as he got his Pokédex, Markus ran towards the exit and into the lab’s automatic sliding glass door. Again. Hawkia then said she would show me how to catch a Pokémon. She got into a battle with a wild Bidoof.

“Okay,” she explained, “First you have to weaken the Pokémon by attacking it; Turtwig, use Tackle! Okay, now it’s fairly weak. Now remain focused, take a Pokéball out of your bag and- Hey! Peanuts!”

“Um…Hawkia?”

*crunch crunch*

“Um…Hawkia?...Remember?...Focus?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah! So then *crunch* you throw the *crunch* Pokéball and see *munch* if you caught the Pokémon.

“Um…Okay.”

“Now I’m going to go to Jubilife City.”

“Let’s go together.”

“Why?”

“Because otherwise I’ll be lonely.”

“Hmm…Okay, but only if I can rave about the awesomeness of Golden Sun and Baten Kaitos.[7]”

* * *

“I like the way this city looks: very modern.” I said.

“Look! A person hiding behind a lamppost!” Hawkia said.

“So there is”

“Hi person that I’ve never met before!” Hawkia said.

The dude, whose name was Looker, then began to talk to us about lots of random things. The conversation went something like this:

Looker: You! You are clever yes?

Me: umm……

Looker: You have found me out. I am Looker. Team Galactic’s affairs are becoming too serious to ignore. I am from the International Police.

Me: You mean Interpol?

Looker: ??? What is that?

Me: it’s…never mind.

Hawkia: Why are you telling us all of this?

Looker: Because you have found me out. Here, take these. They are VS. Recorders, they can be used to record battle videos with your friends. I must go.

Me: o_o’ Umm…that was…

Hawkia: weird?

Me: yeah…

* * *

The next morning, Hawkia and I grogged[8] out of bed at a record breaking time[9]. We headed for the East exit of Jubilife, but Markus was there.

“Hey! I’ve been waiting to battle with you!” he said

“You waited?”

“Yup!”

“I’m impressed.”

“Why?”

“You couldn’t even wait for an automatic door to open, yet you wait at the exit of a city that I might not even walk by.”

Scene omitted due to boringness. Seriously, nothing happens; we just get the gym leader from the mine.

* * *

As Hawkia and I were leaving the mine an Onix attacked us[11]. I defeated it, and afterwards, Chimchar started glowing.

“Hey, Hawkia!”

“*munch, gulp* yes”

“What’s happening?”

“It’s evolving.”

“What does that mean?”

“It basically changes form, gets better stats, has a more diverse movepool, and occasionally Pokémon gain new types upon evolving.”

“Anything else?”

“NO!! Now shut up.”

* * *

As I walked up to the entrance of the gym, Markus ran out of the gym and crashed into me.

“I wonder how long you’ll keep this up.” I said

Obviously not noticing the comment I made, he began speaking.

“Hey Vlax! I just beat that Gym Leader! Now I’m off to Eterna City to beat the Gym Leader there! Bye!”

Hawkia and I just stared at his dust wake for a moment, fathoming how he is capable of being so hyperactive. After a minute, we backtracked through Oreburg Gate as Hawkia complained about how much she hates backtracking. On the way back, some dude randomly gave us HM06 because we had Oreburg’s Gym Badge. We taught it to the Bidoof that Hawkia caught in the tutorial.[12] We arrived in Floaroma Town right around nightfall and looked for a place to put our sleeping bags as Hawkia complained about the lack of hotels in Sinnoh.

The next day, we decide to stop at Floaroma meadow. When we arrived, two guys were harassing a dude there, saying things like “give us your honey!” and stuff to that effect. Hawkia walked right up to them and began flaming[13] them.

“What’s with that getup?” she asked, “And if your hair colour didn’t make you look stupid enough, you had to get bowl cuts? What is wrong with you!?” she exclaimed. They were obviously very insulted by her comment, as they began a battle without even saying anything.

You are challenged by Galactic Grunt and Galactic Grunt!

Galactic Grunt sent out Zubat!

Galactic Grunt sent out Wurmple!

PKMN Trainer Hawkia sent out Grotle!

PKMN Trainer Vlax sent out Monferno!

Monferno used Flame Wheel!

It’s super-effective!

The foe’s Wurmple fainted!

Grotle used Bite!

The foe’s Zubat fainted!

Players defeated Galactic Grunt and Galactic Grunt!

They started to talk after we defeated them.

“We are Team Galactic! We reach beyond the Earth! We reach for the stars! We-”

“Dress like dorks.” Hawkia interrupted.

“You’ll pay for this! …Eventually…” One of them said before running off.

The guy with the honey gave us a free sample for saving him.

“Hey!” I said. “It looks like they dropped something. It appears to be some sort of key.”

“Ooh! Maybe it’s a car key! Let’s use it to steal a car! C’mon!” Hawkia said.

“What makes you jump to that conclusion!?”

“You’ve never wanted to steal a car!?”

“Um……No…”

“You’re boring!”

“And you’re a kleptomaniac! This conversation ends now!”

* * *

“We cannot let you pass!” said the Galactic Grunts in our way.

“Why not!?” said Hawkia, growing ever more impatient.

“Because we are under orders from Galactic Admin Mars to let none pass!”

At that moment, I was attacked by a wild Gastly. As I was trying to catch it, a Wurmple attacked Hawkia’s bag. She quickly figured out what it was doing and freaked out.

“No! NO!! Those are MY peanuts! My! Peanuts!” she said as she attacked the Wurmple with her bare hands. After it had been thoroughly beaten up, Hawkia began to scream at it.

“I’ll teach you to eat MY peanuts!” she screamed. She grabbed a Pokéball from her bag and threw it at the Wurmple. She picked up the Pokéball and stared at it as her angry breathing grew calmer.

“Um…Hawkia? You do realise that now the Wurmple will be in your party, don’t you?”

She froze, and her eye started twitching. I managed to catch the Gastly while she was freaking out.

We passed an old, ruined house in the forest, and Cheryl thanked us because the exit of the forest was now in sight. Hawkia and I walked the remaining distance to Eterna City and found an empty house to sleep in.

* * *

I began to wake up.

“Mmph, Hawkia, What time is it?”

She began squinting at the clock.

“Thursday.” She said before collapsing back into her sleeping bag.

“I’m assuming you aren’t going to be more specific.”

“Mmf.”

After our usual waking-up time of 3½ hours, we headed towards the Eterna Gym. On the way there, this girl wearing black clothes, whose name was Cynthia, appeared[17] and asked us if we were working for Professor Rowan.

“Yes.” I said.

“You’re clothes are a little weird, but at least your hair is normal.” Hawkia said.

Cynthia was a little startled by Hawkia’s sudden comment, but quickly regained her composure. She mentioned Team Galactic and gave us HM01 Cut. (Which we couldn’t use because we didn’t have the Eterna Gym Badge yet.)

The layout was unusual, there was a giant clock on the ground and the hands of the clock served as bridges, but because they served as bridges, the clock never showed the actual time. Sometimes the world is dumb. I was about to walk over to the gym leader when Markus ran into me.

“AGAIN!!!!” I screamed.

“Oh! Hey! It’s great to see you! I just beat that Gym Leader! Now I’m off to Hearthome City! Bye!”

It seems that our “conversations”[18] always follow the same pattern. I approached the Gym Leader to battle her.

“Hi! My name’s Gardenia! I love Grass-type Pokémon. Sure, they have their weak points, but I’ll show you that’s not the only factor in deciding who wins!”

You are challenged by Leader Gardenia!

Leader Gardenia sent out Turtwig!

Go! Monferno!

Turtwig used Sunny Day!

The sunlight turned harsh!

Monferno used Flame Wheel!

It’s super-effective!

The foe’s Turtwig fainted!

The sunlight is strong.

Leader Gardenia sent out Cherrim!

Cherrim changed forme!

Cherrim used Solarbeam!

It’s not very effective…

Monferno used Flame Wheel!

It’s super-effective!

The foe’s Cherrim fainted!

LeafWood lv. 31

PSN

The sunlight is strong.

Leader Gardenia sent out Roserade!

Monferno used Flame Wheel!

It’s super-effective!

The foe’s Roserade fainted!

Player defeated leader Gardenia!

“All right!” Gardenia said. “In exchange for beating me, I award you with Eterna City’s Forest Badge! Also, you can now use the move cut outside of battle! Good luck!”

* * *

We couldn’t go down cycling road because we didn’t have bicycles and in the absence of anything else to do, Hawkia and I decided to check out the building with large spikes and the unnecessarily spinning thing[19] on top. Apparently, we stumbled upon one of Team Galactic’s hideouts. Oops. A grunt came over to us almost immediately after we came in.

“You! You have found your way in here too, yes?”

“???”

“It is me, Looker.”

“Oh! You’re the guy that gave us these Vs. Recorders for no apparent reason.” I said.

“Yes. It is me. I have disguised myself as a Galactic Grunt to infiltrate Team Galactic, but there is a problem. There are two staircases leading up to each floor. Which one leads to the dead end and which one doesn’t? This is a dilemma.”

“I know!” Hawkia said. “We can use Reveal, and then the correct staircase will be… oh, wrong game.”

“This should be obvious.” I said. “The guards will obviously be stationed in front of the correct staircase.”

“I’ve got it!” Hawkia exclaimed. “The correct staircase is the one with the poster on the wall at the bottom.”

“So you’re suggesting we follow the posters?”

“They’re expecting us to expect them to station guards at the bottom of every staircase, and use something subtle, like posters to remind their employees which way to go!”

“What!?” I said in disbelief and confusion.

“How about this,” Hawkia said, “I’ll go my way and you go your way and fight all of the Galactic Grunts…alone.”

“…

…

…

…

…Hey, Hawkia! Wait up!”

We arrived at the top without ever going the wrong way.

“And you thought it was a stupid idea.” Hawkia said.

“Shut up!!” I said in an aggravated tone as I jabbed her with my elbow. She glared at me for a minute before we decided to progress.

A Galactic Grunt approached us, and I let Hawkia fight him off. Then two Galactic Grunts challenged us to a double battle. We beat them up, at which point the commander decided to take care of us herself.

You are challenged by Galactic Admin Jupiter!

Galactic Admin Jupiter sent out Zubat!

Go! Monferno!

Monferno used Flame Wheel!

The foe’s Zubat fainted!

Galactic Admin Jupiter sent out Skuntank!

Monferno used Flame Wheel!

The foe’s Skuntank used Night Slash!

It’s not very effective…

Monferno used Mach Punch!

The foe’s Skuntank fainted!

Player defeated Galactic Admin Jupiter

“Now can you let us take the Clefairy?” I asked.

“We’re finished preparing, so you can do whatever you want; we’re leaving.”

The owner of the Clefairy was also the owner of the bike store, and gave me and Hawkia each a free bicycle.

“Woot! Random free crap!” Hawkia exclaimed.

“Since we have bicycles, let’s go down cycling road.” I suggested.

* * *

I was cycling down Cycling Road on 4th Gear when I crashed into a dude with brown, crazy hair.

“Woman!” he yelled at me.

“I’m a guy.” I pointed out.

“What!? No! It’s an insult! You don’t take it literally!”

“Oh. Who are you?” I asked

“My name is Xgenje[20]! I am a Superhyperactivemcspazatronicperson[21]! My catchphrase is Zeebarginheimer[22]!”

“…ugh. Let’s just be on our way to Hearthome City; we’ve already wasted too much time here.” I said.

“I’m going with you!” Xgenje butted in.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because!”

“Okaaaaay…”

“Yes!”

* * *

We had just passed through Mt. Coronet. We met an emo-ish[24] dude with spiky-ish blue hair in the cave in the middle. (I’m wondering how many people in Sinnoh use either hair dye or hair gel.) We walked through the gate that led to Hearthome City.

“Hey guys,” I said, “I have to use the bathroom.”

“Check the Pokémon Centre.” Xgenje suggested.

There was no bathroom in the Pokémon Centre, nor was there a bathroom in the Poké Mart, the Contest Hall, Amity Square, nor any of the houses in the city.

We passed by the Contest Hall and the saw the Gym Leader, Fantina, standing outside. She was French or Quebecian[26] or something, because she inserted random bits of French into her English. We went to her Gym, only to discover that it was dark.

“For the love of…of all times to have a power outage! Budew, use Flash!” I said

“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Vlax.” Said a red light that appeared behind me.[27]

“What the-”

“Just kidding! It’s me, the guy with weird glasses[28] who explains the gyms to challengers. I just thought I’d play a little prank on you.”

“Oh…well would you please explain the Gym then?” I asked.

“Sure thing! The Gym is dark, and each challenger is given a flashlight. There are multiple doors, each with a symbol on a red rug. A blue rug with a symbol is also hidden in each room. The symbol on the blue rug corresponds to the door that leads you further into the gym.”

“Um, okay…”

“It’ll make sense when you try it; trust me.”

* * *

“Magnifiqué!” Fantina said to us when we found her.

“Who’s up now?” I asked Hawkia and Xgenje. “Monferno’s a Fighting-type, so I stand little chance.”

“I’ll go, I guess” Hawkia said.

You are challenged by Leader Fantina!

Leader Fantina sent out Duskull!

Go! Grotle!

Grotle used Bite!

It’s super-effective!

Leader Fantina sent out Haunter!

Haunter used Sucker Punch!

Grotle used Bite!

It’s super-effective!

Leader Fantina sent out Mismagius!

Mismagius used Shadow Ball!

Grotle used Bite!

It’s super-effective!

Player defeated Leader Fantina!

“Fantastiqué! I see you have true power! Take these: they are the gym badge of Hearthome and TM65 Shadow Claw! You can now use Defog outside of battle!” Fantina said.

“Ignoring the plot hole of off-screen captures, we can’t do it yet; we don’t have HM05 yet.” Hawkia told me. “Besides which, I don’t think we need it just yet.”

“I can get it if you want!” Xgenje said.

He rummaged around in his pocket and pulled out this weird black device.

“This is an Action Replay[29].” He explained. “Using this thing, we can freely modify Pokémon, allow them to learn any TM or HM, and even create our own Pokémon with any traits we choose!”

I punched him.

“We are not cheating!”

“Hater!” he yelled.

* * *

On our way to Solaceon Town, we passed this thing called the Broken Stone Tower. I have no clue why it was called a “tower”; it was barely more than half my height and had a hollow area in the centre that made in resemble a well more than a tower.

“I’m afraid to touch it; it looks like it will collapse.” I said.

Hawkia crouched down to get a better look.

“Well no wonder!” she said. “The keystone is missing!”

“What!? How’d that happen?”

Xgenje put a stone with a crack in it in place.

“There! All better!” he said.

I glared at him.

“No, I didn’t cheat to get this thing; some weirdo gave it to me.” He said defensively.

“When?”

“A little bit before I met you.”

We continued our walk to Solaceon Town, which was very close by at this point. It was a very rural area. Very rural[30]. We found a nice camping area in the trees and set up camp there

* * *

We woke up and decided to look around. There was an opening in a rock face that looked man-made, so we decided to check it out. The inside was a room with three staircases and some weird writing on the wall opposite the entrance.

“What is this place…?” I asked.

“This is the Solaceon Ruins!” said a crazy old man dressed like an archaeologist who appeared behind us.

“Um…who are you?” Hawkia asked.

“That does not matter!” he said. “Only one staircase per room does not lead to a dead end! And those who enter a dead end will be trapped for eternity! The only way down is written on that wall!” he said, pointing at the wall across from the entrance.

I walked over to take a look.

“But beware!” he raved on, “The text is written in Unown runes! Even the greatest archaeologists in the world have extreme difficulty deciphering a single word of-”

I just stared at her for a minute before saying “What about ‘Let’s beat the bad guy with the power of friendship!’?”

“Don’t. Ever. Bring. That. Up.”

“Hey, look!” I said. “It’s HM05 Defog!”

“Way to change the subject...Do we have anything that can use it?” Hawkia asked.

“Hmmm...” I said “...Give me a minute! I’ll have something real soon I replied before running out.

“Oh, no you don’t.” Hawkia said as she grabbed my ear. “You’re the only one who knows the way out, and this place is too confusing to get out on my own, even if the crazy old guy was lying about the ‘stuck forever’ part.”

* * *

I backtracked a little bit and found a fisherman.

“Okay.” I said, “Here’s the plan. I knock him out with this chloroform, and then Xgenje steals his fishing rod while Hawkia distracts the policeman over there.”

Hawkia facepalmed and said “You guys are morons and I want nothing to do with such an idiotic plan.”

“Oh! So you have better idea, do you?” I said sarcastically.

She walked up to the fisherman.

“Excuse me, may we have your extra fishing rod?” she asked.

“Why of course! I hold on to these extras for situations just like this.” He said cheerfully.

Hawkia walked back over to us with the fishing rod and a smug look on her face.

“Oh, shut up!” I said

She grinned and said “I didn’t say any-”

“Shut up...”

* * *

I caught a Finneon, taught it Flash and Defog, and then we proceeded along a very grassy route.

“We should mow this.” Hawkia said.

“Unfortunately, they removed the ability to use Cut to cut grass starting in Diamond and Pearl.” I commented.

“We could-” Xgenje interjected.

“We are not cheating!” I yelled as I punched him.

* * *

“Get up!” Xgenje said as he kicked my sleeping bag. “Get up!”

“Mmph can’t make me...” I mumbled.

A few hours later, we were up and moving[32] on our way to route 215 when we passed a café.

“Coffee!!!!” I screamed.

I ran in and ordered a latte.

“’Fraid I can’t help ya, all we serve is milk.”

I twitched and said “What kind of café doesn’t serve lattes!?”

“This ‘un”

* * *

We left the latteless café and approached an area with a lot of rain.

“Anyone have an umbrella?” I asked.

“No.”

“Nope.”

“Why not?” I asked.

“Well why don’t you have an umbrella?” Hawkia asked me.

“...”

“Exactly. Besides which, it’s not even raining that hard.”

I stepped into the rain for a few seconds and stepped out soaked.

“It’s not even raining that hard.” I mimicked sarcastically.

“Yup!” she said, oblivious to my mockery.

Eventually, we got over the fact that it was raining and started on our way. Suddenly, we were all attacked by wild Pokémon. My battle went like this:

A wild Kadabra appeared! Go! Monferno!

It is raining.

“Okay…so Kadabra’s a psychic-type, so Mach Punch won’t be effective, and it’s raining, so ember won’t be effective either, which leaves me with…Scratch…crap.”

Monferno used Scratch!

Kadabra used Calm Mind!

Kadabra’s Special Attack rose!

Kadabra’s Special Defence rose!

Monferno Used Scratch!

The wild Kadabra fainted!

Monferno earned 367 Exp!

Monferno grew to level 36!

What?

Monferno is evolving!

“Sweet!” I said.

Congratulations! Your Monferno evolved into Infernape!

I checked on Xgenje next.

A wild Geodude appeared!

Go! Sableye!

(Sableye is shiny)

Sableye used Aura Sphere!

“Cheater!” I yelled.

The wild Geodude fainted!

Sableye gained 31258 exp!

“You are so going to glitch out someday.” I told him.

I finally went over to check on Hawkia. She was already pretty far into the battle. I checked her Grotle’s status bar.

LeafWood ♂Lv. 31 PSN ---------------------------|

“She is so screwed.” Xgenje said

“What kind of name is LeafWood?” I commented.

[1] I know I just started an assignment with the word “and”, but it’s MY story, and that’s how my story begins.