The Boastful Wife

I can't stand it when my wife brags about my accomplishments in public.

Lately my wife has begun to rejoice with friends and relatives in my roles and responsibilities in the community. In conversation, when she reaches a point where she can no longer supply detail regarding my activities, she passes the obligation to me to finish the conversation. It puts me in a very uncomfortable light. Those things in which I am involved provide me with pleasure and satisfaction, simply because I am doing them. I do not need public recognition to motivate me. She, on the other hand, has a need to promote my activities. And then, in a way that is uncomfortable to me, passes the role of public relations agent to me when she exhausts her resources.

I can understand her pride, although I do not share the need for it. How can I temper it?

SP

Dear Reader,

It is commendable that you do not require accolades or recognition for the work you do that benefits the community. Your admirable attitude is certainly more of an exception than the rule. Most people do need acknowledgement and positive feedback for their acts of kindness.

That being said, it is important to understand that not only giving constitutes an act of kindness but also that to receive graciously can be equally important in human interactions.

Consider the counsel of my friend, Jennie. Prior to her words of wisdom, I used to respond defensively and apologetically when people would compliment me, i.e. the way I looked, dressed, my hairdo, my cooking, lecturing or performance of one kind or another, etc. Jennie wisely pointed out that the correct and gracious response was to simply say, "Thank you."

Sometimes receiving graciously can be more challenging than giving.

Allowing for the other to ‘give' to us by way of compliment or reference to an accomplishment is as much of an act of kindness on our part, as our extending ourselves to others. It is even more so in your case, since you have no personal agenda or need for the attention focused on you. It then becomes an altruistic deed, totally in deference to your wife.

As you well know, there are many accommodations spouses make for each other in marriage, and though your wife's posture might not be your style and even makes you uncomfortable, always be mindful of the fact that it flows from her pride in your achievements.

We say ‘thank you' upon receiving from another because ‘taking' is anathema to a human being's need for independence. Saying ‘thank you' is ‘giving' in return, whereby, in a sense we level the playing field. To give is the more basic and fundamental human need, and therefore much more gratifying to a person's soul than to receive. Consequently, since receiving graciously can at times be more challenging than giving, one needs to strive to embrace that value as well.

Recently, my husband and I were asked to be honorees at the school dinner. Fully expecting that we might decline, the committee lined up all the honorees of the previous years at our front door. These were the people upon whom we had used ‘friendly persuasion' (arm twisting) when they had resisted the ‘honor.' Needless to say, everyone understands that the objective of such events is to raise money for a worthy institution. Invariably, tributes and testimonials will be part of the proceedings. Unequivocally, it is ‘not about us.' It is about benefiting the institution. Maintaining a perspective of ‘it's not about me,' clears out the contaminants of ego and self, and shifts the focus from ‘me,' to the real issue at hand. In your case, it is not about you, as much as it is about giving your wife the opportunity for pleasure.

Implicit in this counsel, is that there be no breach of confidential information in your wife's sharing of your accomplishments.

Limits to Humility

Additionally, it is instructive to note that Jewish law categorizes the highest level of charity as that which is done anonymously. However, an exception is made if one's act of charity will serve as a motivator for others to do likewise. Anonymity defers to the value of inspiring others. While anonymity is clearly your choice, in defense of your wife's position, there is the possibility that the sharing of your charitable deeds might motivate others to behave likewise.

Excess humility can paradoxically become an expression of ego.

Indeed, modesty and humility are of great value, but in excess, they too can cross the line and paradoxically, become an expression of ego.

Consider the following humorous anecdote. Before the solemn service of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, the rabbi of the community approached the Holy Ark and penitently cried out, "God, You are everything and I, with all my knowledge am nothing." He was followed by the cantor who approached and beating his breast, echoed the rabbi's words of testimony to God's grandeur and admission of his own unworthiness. Then came the shammas, the caretaker, who fell to his feet and asserted similar sentiments of his own lowliness and of being a ‘nothing' compared to God's majesty. As the cantor observed the shammas' self-flagellating confessions, he turned to the rabbi in disgust and said, "Look who thinks he's a ‘nothing'!"

Consider the following historic examples. Saul, the first king of Israel, is described in the book of Samuel, as ‘head and shoulders' above anyone in his generation. Yet, misplaced and excessive humility stripped him of his throne. He lacked the pride and confidence of a king. In his errant humility, he let the people lead, deferring to their wishes rather than insisting on fidelity to the command that God had given him through the prophet. The excoriating words of the prophet say it all, "Even if you are small in your own eyes, did you not realize that you are a king of Israel?"

Contrarily, Moses, who was the most humble of people, was nevertheless cognizant of the great role he needed to play as the legendary ‘teacher' of Israel. The verse in Psalms that reads, "the humble shall inherit the earth," has been translated in non-Jewish sources, as "the meek" shall inherit the earth, which is an expression of shying away from one's innate worthiness. In Judaism, however, meekness is not a virtue or a value. Humility on the other hand is a virtue and speaks to an awareness of potential not yet fully realized. Moses, the greatest prophet and teacher of all times, was humble because he understood that he was merely the instrument upon whom the Almighty played His celestial music. He also knew that the more worthy a conduit he would become, the more exalted, pure and uncompromised would be his transmission of God's Law.

Hence, our definition of humility is acknowledging that all that we are, our unlimited potential and grandeur is God-given. Simultaneously, we confront the reality that to bring that potential to fruition, we still have a long way to go.

If you are concerned that the need on your wife's part to sing your praises is excessive, you might want to discreetly explore whether your wife has enough of a personal identity. There are situations where in the absence of a personal sense of self and of one's unique interests that provide a positive self image, a spouse might attach herself to her husband's accomplishments so that by association, it will make her feel better about herself. Clearly, behavior that is excessive may be a red flag that requires evaluation.

Practically speaking, you might consider the following:

1. Encourage your wife to cultivate interests and endeavors of her own.

2. Disarm situations with humor, by not taking things too seriously.

My mother, of blessed memory, was heavily invested in the illusion that her children were the best in the whole wide world. On numerous occasions, she would sit and tell my then young children that I had been the best and smartest student in my entire class. The story grew and got better with time. Pretty soon, I was the best in the entire school, and eventually in the entire region. They never tired of hearing Bubby's tales and actually looked forward to the new expanded and improved versions. Mostly, they loved to listen, because the stories reflected her great love for me, and because of the pleasure and Inachas she derived from reveling in the retelling. When they repeated what they heard to me, and asked if indeed they were true, I would chuckle and assure them that the truth, the bigger and better versions, were yet to come, and that my stock was still on the rise. Humor can defuse any situation.

In conclusion, be aware that in all walks of life, both within ourselves and outside of ourselves, balance is the key to the most desirable road to travel. To be haughty and full of oneself is at one end of the spectrum, and to be reticent and overly modest is at the other end of the continuum. To over-share and tell all, is at one end of the spectrum, and to be bent out of shape and mortified by your wife's pride and joy in sharing her husband's achievements is at the other end. Somewhere in between, lies Maimonides' Golden Median.

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About the Author

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

Visitor Comments: 8

A wonderful article , wise and funny .i laughed aloud when reading of the mother who spoke of her sons achievements that kept growing , it made me realize I am not much different ! I loved reading it.

(7)
Marcia Steinbrook,
March 18, 2007 12:39 PM

Smart, modern women in the process of networking will take care to bring honor to all family members.

Rebbetzin Feige recognizes that a smart, healthy woman needs her own source of identity; this was the basis of the feminist movement of 1970's. This should not come into conflict at all with her private appreciation of her husband's accomplishments.

(6)
Anonymous,
February 28, 2007 1:55 PM

Your answer was an interesting insight into the situation but I think you left out what, to me, would have been the biggest part of the problem. If I were this man, I'd be able to tolerate my wife's comments - with grace and humor as you suggest. But if she turns to me and asks me to finish the story, that's when I'd complain. If she wants to tell a story, let her tell it. I would not want to be forced to take over the story telling when she deems it to be my turn. Some people, like me and this man, I'd guess, prefer to remain in the background and this wife seems to like the limelight. Let her tell her stories in good health and stop when she's done.

(5)
SP,
February 28, 2007 10:02 AM

The Boastful Wife

Thank you so much for putting things in perspective and opening my eyes to seeing the "other side of the story." Each chapter in your response gave me something to think about, and more importantly, something for us to act upon.

(4)
Anonymous,
February 28, 2007 5:35 AM

an additional take on the wife's situation

The husband may want to consider this: Your wife probably works around your volunteering schedule and enables you to do this good work. She gives up your company, some of your parenting time with your children, and possibly other resources as well -- use of car, maybe, or some money that you spend on gas or phone, etc., for your community responsibilities. She probably gets very little credit for her efforts with the outside world. But if she enjoys relating your good work, and gets a good feeling from your reflected glory, isn't that something that you want her to have? She, like you, probably doesn't like to brag about what she's done (for example," Taking care of the kids two extra hours today while you were at the meeting was not easy, but I kept my patience pretty well!"). Let her enjoy her bragging about you. You could even brag about her a little!

If something specific specially bugs you, you could ask her about that, gently, for example, "That was nice when you told X about my 20 phone calls for the shul, but maybe in the future, could we hold the discussion of it down to a couple of minutes? I think it got boring, or maybe X wanted a turn to talk."

(3)
Anonymous,
February 27, 2007 3:33 AM

Dear Rebetzin Twerski,I wanted to thank you for your story about being honored at a school dinner, because I was in that situation a while ago when I was asked to accept an honor for my work in education, and the head of the parents' committee anticipated my refusal and he had answers already lined up, most of which you give in your article.A story he shared with me, to convince me to say Yes, was one that he heard from his rebbe â€“ that we have two pockets. In one we keep the pasuk "Man is nothing but dust" and in the other "For me was the world created", and the trick is to know when to reach into which pocket to pull out the right pasuk.I'm still finding it a little difficult, but I'm trying to get over it!

(2)
Sidney holland,
February 26, 2007 9:32 AM

Well described and understood problem

Women always sort it out!!!

(1)
Leona Bassan,
February 25, 2007 12:00 PM

I enjoyed your article very much. It helps keep you focused on what is important.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...