by Andreas Gerdén

Month: April 2018

About my childhoods’ christian church and how their preaching depressed me.

To depress.

Up until about a year ago I had never thought of depression as an action. I’m all familiar with terms like “being depressed” or “having depression”. I myself tend to think about depression as extreme and physical pain, a dark cloud, a void of only darkness and apathy. Meaninglessness. A state. But, as a verb? Never.

To depress.

One of the therapists I’ve seen in the past unveiled this idea of thinking to me. Depress in one of the literal meanings is to press down.

So if something is pressed down, what then is causing the pressing? What is pressed down and who or what is the reason for this happening?

I began looking to my own history for answers.

I was born into an unhealthy church environment where a great part of the concept was to serve the agenda of the leaders. You were supposed to put your own person and interests aside in order to serve god.(Or as that dude Paul would say it: “I have been crucified…and I no longer live…”)

I was slowly molded into a mental slave, becoming someone who did all in his might to obey god and church leaders, and please every person I came in contact with. For the sake of god. The more I obeyed the church the more I erased myself.

This is where depression comes in. For 25 years I learned how to perfectly press down anything that was the authentic or true me. I learned to hate myself and worship god. By the year 2011 Andreas was in fact more or less gone. The agenda of a power hungry church had depressed me and by their brainwash I had learned to depress myself. I thought I was doing the right thing, but had fully ignored that which was the actual me.

Understanding that something was being depressed within me due to my past was a great eye opener and help to me. I showed me areas in my life which had been lost and starved for years. It helped me see where I could start working with myself to find restoration and healing for the whole person that is I.

It’s been a painful journey to open the wounds and rebuild myself. But, it’s also a beautiful journey when we start to heal.

Depression is an illness. Depression is a state. And sometimes, it’s also a verb.

“BBC Minute spoke to Andreas Gerden about what it’s like to suffer from depression. He talks about how it feels to have depression, how important it is to have someone who cares about you and how he is fighting it.”

We’ve all seen those “Things Not To Say To Someone With Depression” posts. And while they are all well meant and beneficial on many occasions we should not forget there are things we can say to someone with depression or anxiety to show them our support.

I’ve tried to make a list of things people have said to me that helped me while I suffered severely from depression and anxiety. Some are things I wish that people would’ve said.

I understand and acknowledge that you are in pain, the intense emotion will pass and I will stay with you through it.

What can I do for you?

Even if I don’t know what depression is like, I will not leave. I want to learn and understand.

Can I give you a hug?

I’ll give you the space and time you need.

Let’s go for a walk.

Your thoughts and emotions are not who you are. You are so much more than them.

Don’t give up. There’s help to get and I’ll help you find it.

You are welcome as you are, you don’t have to perform.

You can always call if you need me, even in the middle of the night.

We’d love to have you around even if you don’t feel like being social. You can just be.

I don’t know what anxiety and depression feels like, but I give you my company.

You matter, even though you might not feel that you do right now.

I listen to you and take what you say seriously.

We love you and are not giving up on you.

I don’t claim this list to be universal, but these comments from others have been very helpful to me. I hope they can help others too.

What are some things someone has said to you that you found helpful, or something you said that helped someone?

Finding words to describe to which depths depression can take us can be difficult. But, it sure can be a very unpleasant place to be. When the dark thoughts gather up around us, a sense of hopelessness and apathy can rise which we feel will never go away. Add anxiety and it doesn’t only feel like we’re alone in a wasteland without directions, we are simultaneously on fire while pushing our tears back or breaking apart inside them. It feels like we’re being force-burned and cut with a razor-knife inside the chest. Drowning in our emotions, over and over again.

So, what’s gonna rescue us from these personal hells? Are there ways to break the downward spiral and regain some strength and hope for ourselves?

I believe hobbies can be a part of this, and I’ll try to clarify why and how I think this is.

First I will be honest. There are periods when depression makes me feel hobbies and interests are meaningless to engage in, and anxiety frightens me too much to even consider pursuing them. I feel quilt for the idea of choosing to spend time on something I enjoy, as if I wasn’t worthy of it and should instead give all my time for the benefit of others first and always. Or anxiety hits with it’s fake reminder that people will talk down and hate me for doing it. What could be a more perfect barrier?

However, there are those days and moments when my strength is a little more on the plus-side of things. When I really miss being out shooting pictures with my camera. What I’ve learned is that I need to pay attention to those emotions and act on it. If I can manage to get out of the apartment with my camera in my hand there’s so much to be gained:

When I photograph I usually stay out for hours. That means I breath in fresh air.

I also tend to walk a lot to find the right spots for my shots. This means I get some exercise.

If I’m lucky(at least for my health, not so much for photo-friendly lighting, though) there’s sunshine to take in. But, all weathers will do.

Often I choose to photograph in nature. To me nothing can beat the calm experience of that.

Sometimes I forget that I’m depressed altogether, probably since I’m so focused on taking pictures. It lets me feel pure joy without analysing or judge myself. I feel no worry. When I capture an image which I’m satisfied with I feel that I’ve accomplished something that day. It’s a good feeling. Coming home to relax from a day outside is rewarding in itself.

The path with depression is different and individual to each and everyone of us.

For me I’ve come to understand that a big part of my walk in recovery is reexperience or relearning. By that I mean I need to learn to know myself, who I am and what I want all over again. Somewhere along the road I lost these things by being self ignorant, self sacrificing and a servant to others to such a degree that I erased my own will, my own identity.

Every time I’m pursuing photography or another interest of mine I take back parts of me that I’ve lost; and that are the good experiences, moments to cherish and make the long run worth while.

I’m not meaning to make it sound easy. I know it can feel impossible to get back on track. But, we must believe that we can. One step at a time.

If shadows rise on you, don’t let them judge you or steal from you. Acknowledge them as real, but not as truth. The storm will eventually calm, and when ready you’ll take another step towards healing.

If depression stole a hobby or interest from you, don’t give up getting that thing back. Even if it seems a big step, start by simply thinking about it.

Don’t be hard on yourself for not being able to do it all the way at once.

Take it easy, the best way is at your own pace. Take whichever step you can. You’ll get there.

Don’t do it for anyone else, do it for yourself. You’re incredibly worthy of experiencing good moments, or making some new ones.

Looking back 2 years to see what has changed in a mental illness recovery journey.

It’s been little over two years since I walked into an emergency room. Desperate, in tears, suicidal, alone. I had decided to live, but the task of managing by myself had become far too dangerous. The previous night I was close to going through with a suicide attempt. The inner darkness and pain I experienced is the worst I’ve ever encountered. I tried calling a suicide hotline, but couldn’t get through. Fortunately a friend answered the phone at 2am, and talked me through the emotions and turmoils the following hours. She was a major part of why I didn’t die that night. The next day I went to the emergency.

Since then I’ve been through about 1,5 years of weekly counsellings, been on antidepressants for 2 years(still on it), meditated for a total of 47 hours. I’ve been through a 6 month long severe relapse. I’ve released a 3 song EP. I’ve read numerous books. Gotten to know a lot of kind people in online communities. I have been running 2000km and photographed 10k photos. The tears, however, can not be counted. But, I’m happy to say I’m not crying much nowadays, and I’m smiling a lot more.

It’s been 730 days and I’m finally experiencing a real and lasting relief from depression.

So how is my life different now compared to two years ago?

Back then I had anxiety meltdowns in tears almost every day, I felt depressed all the time. I viewed life as totally meaningless and I was trapped in apathy concerning it all. I felt hated by life and was convinced I was only but a burden to everyone around me. I spent most time isolated alone, and sadly lost a lot of friendships. My thoughts about myself was very destructive, I had lost all sense of my worth. I slept poorly. My appetite was very low and I was exhausted and tired in every cell of my body. Depression had me captive and I almost completely surrendered to it.

Today my life is very different. Most days I feel positive and content about how things are. Anxiety occurs very rarely and it in no way lasts as long a period as it used to. Depression is something I experience once each two months or so, but it passes within a day or two. I feel energised from exercise and can pursue interests and hobbies I thought I had lost forever. I’m in control of my mental illness, it’s no longer in control of me. I’m experiencing enjoyment of life I didn’t feel for over 10 years. I’m making new friends and I’m able to socialize again.

If you’re reading this and suffer from depression or anxiety I want to encourage you to seek help. Don’t give up until you find the help that works for you. I’ve experienced a 10 year depression, but also made it through it. You too can do that.

And to you who have a friend or a close one with depression, please don’t give up on them. If you stay you might be the lifeline they need in their most critical moment.