>About your loglines (and need help with mine)

>I have gone through all the entries and ‘grabbed’ everyones logline. Most of you should have received a comment from me. I tried to post on everyone’s blog that I grabbed their logline. I think there were 2 blogs that I couldn’t post, and some I was too fast for with the word verification – but trust me – I have all 42 entries!

Now – if you have a newer version – before noon on Saturday, Nov 6th – please feel free to email it to me and let me know your number in our logline blogfest. That way I can make sure I delete the correct logline and replace it with yours.

I posted my logline awhile ago – but I’m going to post it again. Would love for more feedback. I’m not going to enter it – because that’s a bit biased – so any help you can give me would be great. Here it is!

Here is the first version …

All Megan wants is for her three-year old daughter to be found after disappearing from the front yard two years ago. She sees Emma everywhere and her family questions her sanity, but when she snaps a photo of a little girl at the town fair, Megan doesn’t understand why people won’t believe that she’s finally found her daughter.

Here’s the second version:

When Megan snaps a photo of her missing daughter at the local town fair, her husband believes it’s another false alarm, like the dozens of other sightings that ended in heartbreak since their daughter’s disappearance two years ago. Armed only with motherly instinct, Megan searches for the people in the photo with her daughter while struggling to keep her marriage intact, all the while knowing she will have to make the choice between her marriage or her child.

Most recent version:

When Megan snaps a photo of her missing daughter at the local town fair, her husband believes it’s another false alarm, like the dozens of other sightings that ended in heartbreak over the last two years. Megan continues to search for Emma against her husband’s objections while struggling to keep her marriage intact, and finds herself having to make a choice no mother should make – to lose her husband or accept her child is gone forever.

Like this:

Related

Post navigation

25 thoughts on “>About your loglines (and need help with mine)”

>I really like the second version!One thing that I'd suggest (totally a personal reading of it :)) is to change "snaps a photo" to "snaps a photo of her missing daughter" — because if I hadn't read the first logline, I think I would be confused for the majority of the first sentence. 🙂

>Steena,I really like the second one, but I think it's a bit long.After two years of searching, Megan spots her missing daughter at a local fair. Armed with motherly instinct, Megan searches for the people in the photo against her husband's objections.I know my version is much shorter, but take from it what you can. Concise and simple is what's needs. This story has a great premise. I hope I was some help to you.Michael

>Just a couple tweaks…and this is just my humble opinion, you can take it or leave it:When Megan snaps a photo of her missing daughter at the town fair, her husband believes it's another false alarm, like the dozens of others that ended in heartbreak over the last two years. Trusting her motherly instincts, Megan follows every clue while struggling to keep her marriage intact, praying she won't have to choose between her marriage and her child.Have a great weekend!

>I'm liking the way Vicki worded the last bit, as the "all the while" felt a bit on the wordy side of things. Also, watch out for repeating yourself, like with missing and disappearance (can't have one without the other). This is a great premise and these are really just little tweaks to make it shine 🙂

>I like the second one, but I'm just curious to know why she's forced to chose between her husband and her daughter. It sounds like a thrilling story. I think you can take out the "missing" in the first sentence because it makes the fact that she disappeared all the more shocking and heightens the tension. Good job.

>Great premise. At first I liked your original version, but I think this is simply because it is short. The second one is far more engaging. I liked Vicki's attempt too, and also wonder if something could show why she has to choose between husband and daughter. Does he think she's going crazy?

>Hi Steena,The 2nd version is so close and has tons of conflict. But can you show the stakes more? Like commenters above asked, why does she have to choose between her daughter and her husband? Try to be as specific as you can without adding unnecessary words.Good luck with it! And thanks (again and again and again) for your awesomeness!

>Hi, Steena:I liked the first version as well — it is short and concise and leaves more to the imagination. The second is a bit wordy and could be cut down a bit. Here's a go:All Megan wants is to find her three-year old daughter, who was kidnapped from the front yard two years ago. When she snaps a photo of her daughter at the local town fair, her husband believes it's another false alarm but Megan is determined to prove him wrong even if it costs her their marriage.Great premise!

>I love the third version. It shows the goal, stakes, and consequences. Just trying to tighten a little:When Megan snaps a photo of her missing daughter at the local town fair, her husband believes it's another false alarm, like the dozens of other sightings that ended in heartbreak over the past two years. Megan searches for Emma against her husband’s objections and, while struggling to keep her marriage intact, finds herself having to make a choice no mother should make – losing her husband or accepting her child is gone forever.

>Hi Steena – After two years of false hope, Megan takes a picture of a child, at a local fair, that could be her kidnapped daughter. Determined to find out the truth, she persues the lead, even though it may cost her the man she loves.

>I like the second one – it seemed a bit more direct. And for the MSFV it's fine. But I bet you could get it down to one line if you could. Like we probably don't have to know she's only been missing 2 years. You have a lot of emotion in your story, maybe because I'm a mom. 🙂

>Fresh eyes here, because I missed the blogfest *g*Version #3 worked best for me overall because it's sharper and points even more to specifics. But, I thought the line 'armed only with motherly instinct' was emotionally strongest, because a mother's instinct is the one thing she can't deny, even if the consequences are as serious as losing her husband. So it says much in few words. No need to say 'while struggling to keep her marriage intact' because we already know her husband strongly objects; it's redundant. I suspect you don't have to repeat that she's continuing to search for her daughter, we'll know that, right?, but I like the idea of mentioning that she's not armed only with instinct, that's not technically true because she's also got the photo… So, my edit, at same word count as #3, is:When Megan snaps a photo of her missing daughter at the local town fair, her husband believes it's another false alarm, like the dozens of other sightings that ended in heartbreak over the last two years. Armed only with motherly instinct and the images in the photo, Megan continues to search against her husband’s objections, and has to make a choice no mother should make – to lose her husband or accept her child is gone forever.

>I really like your blog, regarding the loglines, I loved the original/first version, as it got my attention right away and the shorter sentences was easier to follow. I really wanted to read the story from there. I am just starting to learn how to blog and wrote a few entries. If you have time I hope you can make a visit to my site http://oneblessingaday.blogspot.com

>Hi, I just saw Azimuth's edit, and think the ending is succinct and smoother than the one I'd put together… Your 1st sentence is really strong, and I still prefer the 'armed only with mother's instinct, etc, for the emotional hit…Here's to Azimuth, and 16 fewer words:When Megan snaps a photo of her missing daughter at the local town fair, her husband believes it's another false alarm, like the dozens of other sightings that ended in heartbreak over the last two years. Armed only with motherly instinct and the images in the photo,Megan is determined to prove him wrong–even if it costs her their marriage.One other thought: what word might replace 'determined' and be more in keeping with the motherly instinct? … wait, got it: Megan is driven to prove him wrong–even if it costs her their marriage. that's it: 'driven' suggests strong instinct, not stubbornness.

>I like your most recent version :-)A tiny possible tweak… In the last part, "to lose her husband or accept her child is gone forever", do you think it would sound any better without the "to" at the beginning?