Friday, December 09, 2005

Give, and it will be given to you... for the measure you give will be the measure you get back. ~Luke 6.38

I recently came across someone who mentioned that he snowblowed his neighbors driveway last year on a whim to be nice. He then followed that statement up with: "But I never got a 'thank you' so needless to say, I only do my driveway now."

I understand completely that I often expect too much from people-that I expect that people are good and caring and that they want to help others. And I understand that people fall short in my eyes too often, and it's my own fault.

However, I believe this person has something wrong with his brain and quite possibly his heart.

First, let me recap. He did a good deed-without being asked. This is a step toward greatness in my mind. I'll even say it's sexy. People who do things for others without being asked and without provocation is one of the most wonderful qualities in a human being.. But he clearly was not doing it out of the goodness of his heart. He was looking for recognition.

"Needless to say, I only do my driveway now." I understand that it was impolite for his neighbor to not say thank you. (This is another topic for another post) However, if he was looking for a thank you, perhaps he should have knocked on the door and said, "I snowblowed your driveway, you can thank me now." He might as well have. He did not do it simply so his neighbors life would be easier that day.

Doing things for people to make them smile, or to stop them from frowning should be the only reason for doing something kind. Seeing their cheeks twitch and the light in their eyes should be your reward. And, if you do something anonymously, knowing that the receiver is most likely shocked and touched by the gift/act is worth more than any tea in China.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

"I'm going to start looking for a new job this week. Maybe in the city. I can live in Hoboken with my cousin until I find something of my own."

She was shocked. Although she knew that living in the same house as roommates would not be as easy at it sounded, she could not imagine having to live in their large house alone.

They built the house just four months earlier, but had been planning it for almost two years. Excitedly naive, they laid on their bed pouring over different house plans, dreaming of the children they would fill the rooms with. Modifications were made, rooms added, color swatches chosen-all for a house they were not yet even sure they could build. Her parents owned land, and talk of gifting it to her for as a wedding present made them sick with anticipation. When the time finally came, they not only knew which house they would build, but also which face plates they would have on their light switches. Life was that predictable.

"You're moving out? When?" She couldn't help it-she sounded nervous. She hated letting him see how affected she was by the thought of being without him.

"I don't know. I have to find a job first. I can Hoboken until I find my own place if I get a job in the city. I'll just keep my things here and come back when I need them."

It irked her when he said things like that-just assuming that anything he did would be okay and that no one would ever question his thinking.

"If you move out, you're out. I can't keep having you come back and forth, never knowing when you'll be here and when you won't. That's no way to live."

"It's my house too. I'll keep things here if I want. I won't be living here and we both know I travel a lot so I won't be here for any significant amount of time. Besides, I pay for most of this house, don't forget."

He stared at her, daring her to counter him, daring her to argue so he could make her feel inferior. And with that look, he defeated her always.

"I want to run or die or get fucked up. I want to be blind and dumb and have no heart. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I want to wipe my existence straight off the map. Straight off the fucking map. I take a deep breath. Let's go."From thisbook.I've been lucky enough in my life to never have been truly addicted to anything. I drink, but not a lot, I've never smoked and only tried pot twice. Though I am by no means a skinny girl, I've not ever been a binge and purger nor do I seek comfort in food.But I have felt like I've wanted to wipe my existence straight off the map. And some days it still creeps in."Right off the fucking map days" came when I loved but wasn't loved back-when my husband needed my help but refused to let me in, when my sisters didn't know-couldn't know, what I was going through or why I couldn't stop it, when I realized I was being used and that nothing I knew was real. It comes when I realize my bills are higher than my pay or when I come home to an empty house and no one but creditors or telemarketers have called me, emailed me or sent me mail. And then I take a deep breath."I stand and I pick up my tray and I walk to an empty table and I sit down and I start eating. The oatmeal is gray and mushy and disgusting but the sugar tastes good. It soaks into my tongue and its sweetness is the first taste I have recognized aside from whisky or wine or smoke or vomit since the evening of my accident. I like the sweet and the taste means that some of my senses are coming back."Let's go. I tell myself. Stop trying to wipe yourself off the map. Stop trying to disappear; stop trying to find the hole that will never let you out. Start small; breathe. Next step-a smile, and a giggle will surely follow.The sugar is working-my senses are coming back.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Hello Toosdae Todies! You know the drill. Fill my comments section with your loveliness!1. Would you rather wear a big, plastic cone collar like animals wear to keep them from licking themselves OR braces that don't allow your knees to bend? 2. What's the farthest you've traveled? Tell me 1 weird/funny thing that happened while you were there.3. Which of the seven dwarfs personifies you the best: Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Grumpy, Happy , or Doc?1. I think I would rather wear the knee braces. Only because I remember being very annoyed once when I couldn't see around a corner when something was blocking my line of vision and knowing that the cone would prohibit any peripheral sight would just drive me batty. And also, I live in a one story house, so if need be, I could just stay here and have people visit.2. I traveled to France. While there we went to Versaille where you had to pay to use the bathroom. The person I was with took the correct coinage out and presented it to the attendants. As we were walking into the bathrooms, we were stopped and told in French to stand outside because we didn't pay enough. We double checked, but were confused because we had indeed correctly paid. After about 10 minutes, Matt gave up and simply walked over to the garden area and peed in front of everyone. (It was December too-frigid!) I, on the otherhand, had to wait another 2 hours before we left. When we got back to the hotel we asked the front desk how much money we had (still thinking we'd made an error) and they confirmed we were right. Apparently they just didn't want us using their toilets.3. I'd definitely say Dopey is first, then Happy and Bashful-though people say I'm outgoing, I'm really quite shy sometimes. And lately at work I have been Grumpy.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Do you ever notice that when you complain about something, it happens to you? For instance:I complain about people blocking my way in the grocery store with their carts, and sure enough, I become oblivious to a man trying to pass me in the pickle isle.Or when I talk about someone who is always late and then I end up being late the next day.And how about when I see someone's unkept hands and think to myself that she really needs a manicure and then I suddenly find myself painting my nails with white trash pink polish.I especially enjoy the irony of me complaining about bloggers who never update their blogs because they think they have nothing to say, and then find myself in the exact same predicament...Irony. Gotta love it.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Things I learned on opening night:1. That my fake husband Dr. Evil knows a lot of useless things, but all of them make us laugh. (I must add that he also knows a lot of useful things too.) 2. I have to invest in gel insoles. Although I am wearing boots that have relatively no heal, my knees and legs are killing me! Course this could also have to do with the fact that for the first 2 hours I refused to sit down because I didn't want my bustle to fall.3. Drunk people equal big fun. They cheer loudly when Mr. Nicholas arrives safely home, quiet down when Mrs. Nicholas shooshes them and make sexual innuendos about us when we say, Mrs: "I have to get my husband home to his family." Mr.: "Yes, I have much to do tonight"4. Tours that have small children just look at you in a confused state...."But mommy, why is SHE wearing Santa's coat"....and, "Was THAT Santa?"5. Wheelchair tours suck. All I can say is I'm just now beginning to feel my toes again. Brrrrr.6. I can go 10 hours without peeing.7. Getting out of costume (4 layers on the bottom plus boots and 4 layers on the top) is hell when you are zonked.8. By tour 5 you are exhausted and really starting to wonder "WHY did I do this??" but then you get a fantastic group and it re-energizes you. See "Drunk people equal big fun" above.9. The white haired lady who stood in the stairwell is dumb. Anytime an actor bumps into you on the way in and dramatically motions for you to get out of the way on her way out MEANS YOU SHOULD MOVE!10. Christmastime is wonderful. Looking out over the water in picturesque Mystic, hearing carriages pass by with people caroling is really heartwarming, and it makes me happy that I am a part of that.