Tuesday, 27 December 2016

Love is a hard concept and I think part of me will always love you at least, I’ll always love who I remember you to be when we were together. I’m not longer in love with you, but I still love you. Do you understand that? I don’t get butterflies anymore when I hear your name. My stomach doesn’t twist when someone brings your name up into a conversation. I don’t feel like I’m getting hit in the chest anymore when I see a picture of you. That’s what letting go is. It’s moving on with my life without you. It took me a while to get here, maybe even longer than it should have, but I made it. The days turned to weeks, which turned to months and eventually years. I couldn’t accept the idea of living without you. I couldn’t think how I could ever love someone that wasn’t you. I couldn’t pick up the pieces of my heart that you shattered. Until I could. Until I kept practicing how to heal on my own, until I decided hanging on to you, someone who wasn’t coming back was doing more damage than good. Until I realize that I am better off without the constant self-inflicting pain. That’s all it was, right?

Self-inflicting pain.

I was just clinging and clinging to the idea of you, to old memories and to the person I wanted you to be. I was hurting myself over and over again because of you and I knew it needed to end, so I decided to let you go. I decided I had to be strong for myself, I decided that just because you didn’t love me anymore didn’t mean that I wasn’t unlovable, I decided that I could be whole without you.

You hurt me, but I kept twisting the knife in my chest. I kept the pain alive and relevant, until I became so numb I decided enough was enough. I decided I needed to stop living this way, so that’s what I did. I let you go. I let the thoughts and hopes and memories of you go. I stopped clinging to your words and I threw away your notes. I took down your pictures and I stopped bringing you up in conversation asking how you were. I rid you of my mind and I allowed myself to heal. I let you go completely and then I remembered what it felt like to be happy. It took lots of tears and regrets, but I finally made it to a place where I let you go. But just because I let you go doesn’t mean I stopped loving you, it just means I decided to put myself first and love myself more for once. There are still hard days when I find you trying to resurface in my mind and all I can do is look back and see how far I’ve come on my own. That’s my reminder that I’m going to be okay without you. It’s reassurance that letting you go was the best thing I’ve ever decided to do. It’s reassurance that it’s okay that I still love you because I’ve stronger on my own.