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Ever since Robin Williams mercifully took his own life, people have been looking at the link between comedy and depression. Why are comedians so depressed? Why aren't comedians even considered human beings? Exactly how many women did serial rapist Bill Cosby drug and rape? The answer to most of these questions are unsettling, but the answer to the last is the most so.

The reason I believe a person would ever choose to go on stage with the express goal of making people laugh by telling them one of their awkwardly crafted dick or pussy jokes has to do with a mixture of narcissism and self-loathing. You don't have to hate yourself to love yourself, but you do have to hate yourself to love doing comedy. Plus, you also have to think what you have to say is worth subjecting on a hive-minded group of greasy dipshits.

Do I have contempt for the audience of comedy shows? It depends on how much they enjoy my jokes, of course. If they don't like my jokes then they are stupid, if they do like my jokes then they are smart and beautiful.

Performing doesn't take courage (or often times more crassly put, "balls," referring to a man's testicles). Performing takes a deep-seeded hatred of yourself and everything in the world, mixed with a love so strong that you are about to explode from it, and from all of the maggots you accidentally ate thinking they were Tic-Tacs. Much like believing in God, performing comedy is a sign of mental illness in itself.

When I go more than the standard three days without performing stand-up, I start going through withdrawals. It's like when I don't take my prescribed Paxil and black out, only to find myself drilling gloryholes in the Arby's bathroom. Nobody even eats at Arby's! Why would I install a gloryhole where there are no dicks to suck and fuck? Anyway, comedy is fueled by mental illness, but also can relieve some of the pressure of said affliction. I start feeling depressed when I miss out on my weekly goal of stage time (3 sets is my goal, but is hard to meet in a city where the club owner is jealous of other stages and will yell at you for doing other shows in the city limits).

Comedy is fueled by the every day pain of life. Comedians notice and feel this pain more than anybody, but react differently to it. I reacted to my divorce by writing thirty jokes about polio. Your average person would just cut themselves, and they would be right! In a way, writing jokes is my version of cutting myself. And, brothers and sisters, I am all scarred up.