One in five people would rather set £10 on fire than buy Coldplay’s new album

Coldplay are so despised that one out of five people, the people outside walking around, the people on the bus, the people who sell you things, the people you fall in love with, the people you subtweet – yes, those people – one in five of them would rather set a £10 note on fire than buy Coldplay’s new album.

Bristol with 32 per cent had the highest proportion of people who would rather set a £10 note on fire than buy Coldplay’s new album A Head Full Of Dreams. Norwich came a close second with 31 per cent of respondents doing the right thing and lighting that tenner up.

Nearly a quarter of men (24 per cent) would rather watch one of their own £10 notes crinkle and curl into a small pile of smoke and ashes than buy A Head Full Of Dreams.

Over a third (33 per cent) of people in Northern Ireland, Scotland (44 per cent) and South West England (33 per cent) would rather remain alone forever than have Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’ play in the background every time their partner looks at them.

An excellent 49 per cent of people admit they would rather have a constant mild cold than speak only in Coldplay lyrics. In fairness, it would be hard to get much done if all you could do was run around screaming para para paradiiiiiiiiise like an utter cretin.

Finally, a devastating one in three would rather watch terrifying peroxide girl squad leader Taylor Swift headline Glastonbury in place of the Chris Martin-led band.

Chin up Chris mate, you still have your lovely collection of long sleeved shirts to wear with all your short sleeved shirts over the top don’t you? There, there.