“And then, you won’t believe what my boss said after that,” continued the young woman, replaying the painful scene in her head. “He said I’m one of the weakest marketers he’s ever known. He said ‘You could be excellent with my coaching, but we’ve got a long way to go.’ This has been going on for four years. He told me I’m stupid and lazy. He gave me a five percent raise, though. This guy is crazy! Who insults you and gives you a raise?”

Indeed, said the voice in my mind. Who works for a crazy guy like that, year after year? I decided to stay silent. “He calls me on the weekends to give me assignments that he’s just made up in his head, on the golf course or whatever,” the young woman continued. “The deadline for these made-up assignments is always First Thing Monday Morning.” And you don’t say Jack about it, and complete the assignments like a good girl, I added in my mind. “He tells me I’m an idiot and if he weren’t so interested in my development, he’d fire me,” she went on. And you stay, said a voice in my brain.

Ay carumba, I thought, and wandered off to find some hot tea. The oldest story in the world: I hate my situation, it’s awful, have you ever heard of anything so crazy? followed by But it’s okay, I guess; I’ll stay.

It’s a conspiracy, a mutual agreement not to tell the truth and not to own up to anything. The boss loves to torment people and keep them guessing, so he surrounds himself with people like the young woman who are willing to put up with that treatment. That’s a dysfunctional system with its own sick logic. The young woman gets to feel aggrieved and tell strangers about it. She gets the occasional pat on the head between the slings and arrows. The boss gets to feel like a wise mentor and shrewd businessman who brings out the best in people. What could I do to help either of them? What could you do, or anyone? They like things the way they are, clearly – since no one is moving a muscle to change the toxic relationship.

How many times have you heard the refrain, “Aiii, my boss, s/he’s awful” and how many times have you wondered, or even asked an unhappy friend, “Then why do you stay?” Change is hard, it’s true. Thirty years ago as a teenager at an est training, I heard the adage “The reward for solving a problem is that you get a new problem.” Sometimes it’s easier — notice I didn’t say healthier — to stick with the devil you know. At least in that scenario, you get to complain about your evil boss and have people feel sorry for you.

You can change your job any time, and you can change your career. You can strike out on a new path. There is nothing in your way except the fear of taking the steps, and that fear diminishes as you take control of your career. Why are there so many entrepreneurs all over the place? Lots of them were in untenable situations, woke up one day and said “Wait a minute! Why am I putting up with this bullshiz?” Others had only wonderful mentors and bosses, but nonetheless said “I want to do things my own way.” That’s the American way, in fact. When did we all get addicted to the Kool-Aid that gets us believing we can’t make our own way, make our own choices, and keep a roof over our head?

You can fire your boss any time. If you don’t like your job, you can launch a stealth job search this weekend. What’s stopping you? It’s hard to find a job, this job is close to home, but I’ve been here so long — those are all excuses, and you know that. They’re reasons not to grow, not to explore, not to take the reins for your own life and career. How much could an employer pay you to shut off your trusty gut-brain and pretend to be someone you’re not? Whatever that sum is, I guarantee you’re not earning that much right now.

Here are ten steps to take as you think about grabbing the reins for your career and making your own choices. None of them is rash or hasty or involves any grand breakroom proclamation. In fact, every one of these ten steps is quiet and thoughtful. If you do these ten things, you won’t be so stressed out about abuse at work or unhappiness with your job. You’ll know that you can get another job whenever you want. You won’t be a victim of circumstance, but the architect of your own career.

Ten Steps to Taking the Reins for Your Career

1) Get a journal. Write in it every day or every couple of days. Start with this question: what do I want, while I’m on this planet? Don’t limit yourself to what you think is possible or what you’ve always heard was practical. It’s a journal, made for dreams and visions. Go ahead and put yours down, in writing.

2) Take stock of your life and career so far. Download our Path exercise to help you with that. Start at childhood, asking yourself, Where have I been? What have I learned? Write down your memories and “Aha!”s from school, from your past jobs, and from the personal events (marriage/birth/moves/etc.) in your life that have shaped you. You won’t be in control of your situation until you understand where you’ve come from, and how those experiences have contributed to who you are today.

3) Draw a simple Venn diagram with three intersecting circles. In one circle, write a list of things you love to do – at work or elsewhere. In the second circle, write a list of things you’re good at – not just on the job, but in your life in general, from tinkering with machines to gardening to playing the flute. Leave the third circle in the Venn diagram blank. We’ll get to that in the next bullet.

4) Label the third circle in your Venn diagram What the Market Will Pay For. The third circle is the place where we learn what you bring to the talent marketplace that is in enough need employers will pay for it. Don’t worry, right now, whether that means a full-time gig or 1099 consulting. That’s a practical matter to address later. For now, we just want to know what you do well and love to do that employers and other clients will pay for.

5) To get the answer to that question, jump over to Indeed.com, the jobs aggregation site. Use terms from the first two circles in your Venn diagram – things you’re good at, and things you love to do – and plug them into the Indeed.com search box labelled What. (The Where box is for your location – Atlanta, Denver, etc.).

6) Use your search terms and your location to scout Indeed.com for job openings with employers who are looking for the things you already love to do and do well. You may be surprised at what you find! If you think your conflict-resolution skills are going to waste in your IT job, take heart – tons of IT employers crave IT people who do the people stuff well. The world is changing. If your current boss doesn’t get you, undoubtedly there are other managers who will.

7) Download this Altitude exercise to integrate what you learned completing the Path and the Venn diagram exercises. Now you have a sense of where you’ve been, and know a little about what the marketplace will pay for among your many skills and talents. Now you’ve got a bit of altitude on your situation. Download this Altitude exercise to keep the momentum going!

8) You’ll see that the Altitude exercise has three sections. The topmost one is the Cloud level. That’s the level where you’re looking down at your own life and career from a lofty height, as though you were floating on a cloud. You can see where you’ve been. Where do you want to go next? How would you construct the rest of your path, from today through the end of your life?

9) The next level on the Altitude exercise is labelled Hilltop. This is the planning level. Think of a military general standing on a hilltop, looking at the troops on the ground. How will you take your vision, from the Cloud level, and make it real? What are the moves you need to make, to get where you’re headed?

10) The bottom level of the Altitude exercise is the Ground level. This is where things happen. This is where you put one step in front of the other, guided by your Cloud-level view of your situation and your Hilltop-level planning. What will you do next? Could it be one of these action steps?

– Update your resume (check out our Human-Voiced Resume example, in that case!)
– Start networking more actively than you’ve been doing
– Join Toastmasters and start speaking in public, to grow your confidence and your presentation skills
– Get unstuck from a confusing, frustrating place — in that case grab our unsticking tool here!
– Surmount the idea “I’m too old to change my situation” that is holding you back (here’s our over-fifty toolkit)
– Learn how to shift out of “Here are my skills, your Majesty” mode to active job-seeking with our Pain Letter(TM) approach, or
– Drop an old, rusty frame that convinced you you can’t do what you love and make money at it? (This story might help with that!)
– Get comfortable with the idea of job interviewing, no matter how long it’s been since the last time (here’s a story about that)

It’s a new day. We aren’t drones who are doomed to stay on hopeless, helpless hamster wheels until we drop in our tracks. We get to design our futures, and the fact that you’ve read this far tells me you are ready to dive in. This is the moment! The people — your crazy boss, for example — who don’t get you, also don’t deserve you. Where will your flame get to grow to its full height? I can’t wait to hear.