Monday, December 31, 2007

Just finished up the soup part of my chicken noodle soup, will deal with noodle part later. All part of leaving the year the same way I found it, militantly friendly & helpful, took some doing to get back to that, Party discipline always a help.

My laundry done, went out to get stuff to make chicken soup, got call from work while at store, compacting snow & satellite dishes don't get along very well, swung by there on the way home & helped sort things out. Got some free veggie pizza for my trouble.

Making stock now, going to take the dog for a walk while that simmers, maybe also take a shower while that simmers.

Wish I could explain it in a way that you would understand, I'd like it if you could understand.

Walked over to work hand in hand with tiny imaginary friend, showing her how the snow piles on the branches, started crying.

Turned out there was a lot more physical work for me over there than anticipated, got through it quickly & in a more slapdash fashion than normal, was having a difficult time being there, left, home again, going to do some more work once I calm down a bit.

Seem to have made a new real world friend, always nice, doesn't fix everything, still very nice.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Ended up ditching my security audit as I got invited sledding, wouldn't have thought I'd go sledding. Tubing at a ski area, bit of an industrial, sanitized version of the sledding I loved as a youth, no danger of serious injury, still quite fun.

Full of surprises lately, better if I can a bit of a moving target even to myself, weave & warp, patterns are beautiful, patterns are traps. Stay as reliable as possible, but keep moving, no variation, no elaboration, no life, no art. Like life & art, so, here we go.

Stopped on the way home for some trashy fast food, seems like I haven't had any of that in a dog's age, should probably be eating nutritious leftovers, sometimes it's genuinely best to say 'fuck it.'

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Went for nice Thai, duck, mango with sticky rice, nice company, good times.

Was a bit of a drag of course, best to stick with what one knows.

Before that, had a cosmopolitan. Cos-mo-pol-i-tan.

'How shall we sing the songs of the Lord in a strange land?'

Like this:

Tum-tiddly-tum-pum,Tum-tiddly-tum-pum,Tum-tiddly-tum-tum-pum.

It's easy. Anyway, hugs & kisses from the diaspora, have fun with the fatted calfs & scapegoats & the raining down death upon your enemies' first born & such, I'm having another drink. A cognac, actually, it's very pleasant.

Refueling on root vegetables, coffee & pie before going over to Easthampton to take another stab at examining & documenting strange foreign systems. Workplace is in chaos, ducts & lights dangling free, hammering by my desk, all sorts of schedules dangling in midair as well, no idea where I'm at or how my time will end up being allotted, hoping things don't get rescheduled to the weekend of my birthday, will already be a sufficient drag without that. Maybe it would even be better spent at system deployment, actually. Will see how it turns out, I suppose.

Deciding I wasn't going to make the time to comb the little used bookstores for it, broke down & ordered a copy of Either/Or, should arrive in the new year.

So what's it going to be, the esthetic or the moral life? Thinking about people who are never presented with choices such as these, for whom choice as such is the haziest of entities.

Have spent a good deal of time mulling over & elaborating systematic defenses of human choice, probably would've been better spent trying to shore up the material conditions of possibility of those, though maybe not- my overall impression is, that's hopeless.

Showering, thinking about madness, terrifying, inexorable, ridiculous. Have a funny sort of perspective on that, with it overrunning large areas of my mental function so frequently but leaving personality and judgement more or less intact apart from the inevitable slow erosion & shaping, see the funhouse effects for exactly what they are, pretty much, still pretty disconcerting.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Looking at pictures of hot dogs mailed to me, quite something, should go check that place out, Blackie's in Cheshire, looks like they've got burgers & shakes as well, bit of a haul, maybe this Sunday, want to come?

In a bit of a state of collapse. Was maybe going to go try & fix a USB card tonight, wonder if I'm going to do that.

Work continues to be a bit much, shaking a bit actually, as expected laziness of people at other company is reducing time pressure & simplifying things somewhat, still not quite rid of nervousness related to that as just heard about it now & things would've started breaking tomorrow.

Thinking on walk just now how some people, lacking any meaningful self-restraint, are unable to recognize it in others. Have been exercising a good deal of it, begin to wonder what the point is. Well, beyond its esthetic qualities, anyway. Maybe just as well if there is no point beyond that.

Extended bout of dreamless sleep, a pleasant change, could do with more, things to do.

Light dusting of snow.

Trying to map out course of work for the next few days, difficult, too many things to be doing, all need to get done. Trying very hard to maintain a hard line on not working any substantial extra time, having already given up vacation for this crap. Will be difficult. The main hope for success at that is the laziness and bureaucratic torpor of the other people I am relying upon to do things necessary to my being able to proceed with other things.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Strange thing, being so emotionally unavailable- didn't used to be that way, bit flat but very available. These days- feelings all over the place & very, very unavailable. Try it & see, don't think you'll care much for it. Everything important to me has been compressed into a tiny, dense ball for safekeeping & to use as a weapon at every opportunity. Far too dense & tiny for my using it as a weapon to put it at risk.

Also having a lot of thoughts unintelligible even to me, that's also a new thing, at least in these quantities. Chemical imbalance, perhaps, at least it's a change.

Fell asleep for a little while, found myself face to face with dead beloved (what else is new?) in a very cramped dark place, smelled of her & earth & damp & death, could somehow trace the contour of her brow, her eyelid in the nonlight, something between sight & touch, no reason for a face like that to be dead, oh, hell, hell, hell.

Nice day of grazing on leftovers, walking around in the sunshine, pruning music from & adding music to my laptop. Noticed, among other things, that the copy of Louder than Bombs on here was missing 'Girl Afraid', 'Ask' & 'Sleep', highly inappropriate omissions, rectifying that now.

Going to see if I can manage a walk through the woods with pup in the remaining sunlight.

Went & bought some cds, Doris Day, prison songs, a couple 'borrowed' things, can't remember if these were 'borrowed' along with T's old Civic or otherwise. In any case, nice to have my Nick Drake records back.

Just heard from Henry that some lovely people took the opportunity of his grandma being at his mom's to call Fire Dept. claiming there was a medical emergency in her apartment, letting the firemen break down the door, looting after. Happy holidays.

Ditch the dumb guy & your irrational fears some afternoon & drop by for some peppermint tea & a chat, it'll make you feel ever so much better.

Won't take it, of course, offering's the most I can do. Since you're going to ignore that, might as well give sounder advice:

Ditch the dumb guy altogether. He's keeping you sick & you're keeping him stupid. You should really experience what it can be like to be a highly intelligent person out in the world without these sorts of burdens, I think you'd really like it.

You asked me a while back who I was to know what's best for the two of you. I wouldn't say I know exactly, but I have a pretty strong opinion based on extensive observation and thought. I'm also, at least in your opinion & I don't think it's far from the truth, the smartest person you know. I'm also, despite appearances perhaps, doing my best to be a good friend to both of you as I care about you both very much, that's how it's been all along, that's how it's staying. Above all, though, nobody's keeping me sick or stupid.

Dinner party took a while to get going, turned out reasonably lively & festive, looking forward to taking a break from that, will be interesting to see if I crack up.

Almost balmy out, full moon behind fast moving low clouds, appears to be zipping along, not going much of anywhere.

Wouldn't think it from reading this, but I'm pretty sure I'm a lot healthier than I was once was, under a year from severely traumatic event, back to baseline functionality, pretty much, bit more aggressive & hostile, maybe, probably just part of the new steady state, probably also for the best.

Determined that I needed a few more things from the store, decided to go to grocery in Hadley as it would provide opportunity to get burger & malted at Pete's Drive In, a place to which oddly, having lived here for some 17 years, I have never been.

Reading bits of H.L. Mencken's translation of The Antichrist to work up some more proper xmas spirit:

"The deaths of the martyrs, it may be said in passing, have been misfortunes of history: they have misled ... The conclusion that all idiots, women and plebeians come to, that there must be something in a cause for which any one goes to his death (or which, as under primitive Christianity, sets off epidemics of death-seeking) — this conclusion has been an unspeakable drag upon the testing of facts, upon the whole spirit of inquiry and investigation. The martyrs have damaged the truth.... Even to this day the crude fact of persecution is enough to give an honorable name to the most empty sort of sectarianism. — But why? Is the worth of a cause altered by the fact that some one had laid down his life for it? — An error that becomes honorable is simply an error that has acquired one seductive charm the more: do you suppose, Messrs. Theologians, that we shall give you the chance to be martyred for your lies? — One best disposes of a cause by respectfully putting it on ice — that is also the best way to dispose of theologians .... This was precisely the world-historical stupidity of all the persecutors: that they gave the appearance of honor to the cause they opposed — that they made it a present of the fascination of martyrdom .... Women are still on their knees before an error because they have been told that some one died on the cross for it. Is the cross, then, an argument?"

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Pies & custards finished, I left the pies to cool & took the custards over to Tom & Mike's, where Tom, Mike, Henry, Nancy & I consumed them. Pleasant, subtle. Also had some very tasty cheese. Played with Macy the dog, Peretz is jealous. Going to walk him now, then walk to town to meet up with folks again for fancy dinner.

Another hubbard squash cleaned & dressed, was going to roast all of it and freeze the portion I didn't use for pie, decided it wouldn't caramelize as nicely if I did that, ended up doing the same thing I did with the last one, cubed the whole thing, roasting half in butter & maple syrup, freezing the other half for later.

What would you do faced with the following situation? Dear friend who you love & care deeply about very clearly wants to both kill herself & sleep with you. She is married to another dear friend.

Not asking for advice, mind. Just curious. Already know what I would do, having been faced with this situation, frankly, knew what I would do before being faced with it, know how I would deal with it if faced with it again. All exactly the same. Just a boy who can't say no, I guess, at least to certain people.

So, if there's something you'd like to try, ask me, I won't say no, how could I?

Got a few items checked off on my to do list, check deposited, photos of ridiculous Amazing.net window displays taken, was going to take some more photos around the back of the place, but an employee asked me not to, must be mellowing in my dotage as I didn't & also didn't take a picture of her asking me not to, half regret it. Some dog care also accomplished, but that's a never ending task & a pleasure.

1) Routine dog care & maintenance2) Routine server care & maintenance3) Walk to town to deposit insultingly small xmas bonus4) Take photos of the window displays at Amazing.net5) Refine intense feelings of unrequited love into a weapon suitable to my needs6) Do dishes7) Make hubbard maple pies, get started on potato rolls

"Study me then, you who shall lovers beAt the next world, that is, at the next spring; For I am every dead thing, In whom Love wrought new alchemy. For his art did expressA quintessence even from nothingness,From dull privations, and lean emptiness;He ruin'd me, and I am re-begotOf absence, darkness, death— things which are not."

Get it? Got it? Good.

To reiterate:

1. The ghosts arrived punctually at the Autumnal Equinox.2. Shimmering and wailing, they made life unbearable.3. The ghosts passed right through everything, but made everything they touched hurt really badly.4. Even tables and chairs.5. They tried cooking a Fall Feast.6. But the ghosts came and ruined everything.7. They tried fucking, but couldn't.8. It wouldn't have helped anyway, the ghosts were too strong.9. They looked into selling the house.10. After the third agent they'd contacted dismembered five young families in five starter homes, they knew they had to stay.11. On the Winter Solstice, they died together in bed.12. After that, the ghosts didn't seem so bad. Some of them were actually quite nice.13. Everybody had a party.

Spent a good long while meaning to pour myself some scotch, finally got around to it. Thinking about pouring out some scotch for distraught guest some time ago, no reason I can't try to be nice to myself as well.

Maybe I'm not very good at it, sometimes it seems that way, mostly I think I'm better at it than most, just tend to pick people who have a hard time accepting other people being nice. Probably because they seem lonely & sad, so sue me.

Scotch doesn't help much with making me feel better about that, for work-related stress though, well, it's pretty great.

Just done testing new install of Nessus by scanning my home LAN in preparation for scanning hideously poorly maintained LAN company is acquiring once they have finished acquiring it & it will no longer be illegal for me to do so. Really wishing I could do this beforehand so the other guys could be made to clean up their own mess. Oh, well.

Went & stocked up on produce at Atkins, was going to go to Table & Vine for festive alcohol after, observed traffic patterns, thought better of it. Will just get that stuff from the Big Y in town tomorrow, need a few other things from there anyway.

Sort of done with work for week, more to do at some point, spent the morning dealing with fonts of all things, among other things automatically produced a hundred page document they were set to make some poor intern type, fucked up.

Received Kreuz Market pit ham in the mail from my brother, pretty excited about it, also saves me the trouble of trying to locate a locally raised & slaughtered standing rib roast. Going to go do my simplified grocery shopping in a bit.

Peretz, agitated by my many extended absences, no doubt, has been very difficult to be with out in the piled slush, home again without significant injury, anyway.

Mind racing, plans within plans, all a bit of a muddle, not enough sleep lately, will sort it out & proceed eventually. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It seems to me that the role of the theorist, the intellectual, whatever, is to inform. There is a tendency to confuse this with mastery. It has nothing to do with mastery. It's all about flows & blockages. People long for a master & some are happy to try to provide, always a misrecognition in any case, no such thing as mastery, at least in this sense, that is, what people desire.

"Receptionist: Will you come in now, Mr Greenslade?Greenslade: Thank you, madam. I was lead into the presence of a BBC official. I took off my shoes and knelt down.Fx: Gong sound.Pompous BBC Official: Now, Mr Greensleeve, can I... can I hear you say something?Greenslade: Certainly. Ahhmmm... "Winds light to variable."Pompous BBC Official: By Jove, you couldn't have picked a more... appropriate phrase.Greenslade: Oh, it was nothing.Pompous BBC Official: Come, come! Say it again. Say it again... with a smile in your voice.Greenslade: Of course. [clears throat] "Winds light to variable."Pompous BBC Official: Delicious! Quite enchanting! Now, say it as though it were a national catastrophe.Greenslade: "Ohhhh! Winds light to variable! Ohhhhhh!"Pompous BBC Official: [weepy] Very touching! Yes quite touching. I... I think you have it, Mr Greenslade, you can start work at once.Greenslade: Gad! Me, a BBC announcer!"

I find myself imagining if I could somehow write it all down, it would all wash away, like tears in rain. Could be, no way to write it all down, of course, fun trying.

"Your task will not be an easy one. Your enemy is well trained, well equipped and battle hardened. He will fight savagely."

To that, we say:

"The falling leaves drift by the window,The autumn leaves of red and gold.I see your lips, the summer kisses,The sunburned hands I used to hold.Since you went away the days grow long,And soon I'll hear old winter's song.but I miss you most of all my darlingWhen Autumn leaves start to fall."

Should really go take some photos of Amazing.net at some point, their window displays astound with their attempt at innocuousness. Inside, or so I hear, real naked ladies, or perhaps pictures thereof. It's no wonder people are concerned.

Been thinking a lot the past few weeks about IT infrastructure consolidation and the lack thereof in the nonprofit sector, a bit of a mystery- anyway, if I get to the bottom of it, going to take steps to correct, I think. Maybe I should have a talk with the C/WMARS people. Have wasted enough thought on liars and cowards, getting on with fixing things.

Apparently it's four below out, trying to figure out how to walk Peretz safely. Probably just a very short one, how he hates it.

Looking forward to returning to facing massive work project with dread & amusement, doesn't seem possible to get it done in the time allotted, everyone seems to be moving through molasses, funny slow people moving through molasses.

Thinking about ongoing absurdities at radio station, some people can't be helped.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Another autumn almost finished, this one easier than the last, but much sadder & much less fun. All for things being hard, happy & fun. Not everyone agrees in this. Easy, dull & desperately sad, the way of the world.

Shockingly painful cramps in the arch of my left foot.

Trying to decide if I want to go catch some of a house show over by the fairgrounds once laundry's done.

Deciding Peretz had been cooped up long enough, made the further, perhaps foolhardy, decision that what was called for was a sunset walk through the woods. Anyway, a few minor cardiac episodes later, home again.

He seems happy.

Planning on spending the rest of the evening in, being complex & inscrutable.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Had a case of the fidgets, went on walk around block, precipitation experienced on walk included freezing rain, sleet, snow and forms transitional between these three, pretty neat. Wondering if I'm going to be able to get to that meeting in the morning.

The storm-enforced inactivity is probably character building, been avoiding spending much time face to face with the fact that somebody I love has trapped herself in what seems to me a pretty vile & distressing situation, maybe it seems like happy fun times to her, here's hoping, anyway. Hard to guess how people experience things while nuts, bit tired of trying.

Entertaining myself watching ball of worry change form over & over, been a big source of entertainment this year when I can separate myself from it enough. All sorts of funny moments & postures, probably not a terribly safe person to be around lately, might do any damn thing, funny.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Was thinking of going to Flywheel benefit in Amherst, have thought better of it. Did walk into town to see Josh DJing at Hungry Ghost, turned out that was off, went & got some eggs, coffee syrup & malted milk to help me weather the coming storm & came home again. Also got gummi bears.

It's gotten very cold, just fed Peretz his dinner, should probably take him for his final walk of the evening before it gets much colder, then settle in for an quiet evening in pajamas, listen to music, watch cartoons, do conceptual art, etc., etc.

When I see somebody I care about drowning with a millstone around her neck, I rush to remove it, don't ask questions, don't worry if I'm doing the right thing. The thing is, millstones sink rapidly when detached from a buoyant object & sometimes people are so attached to theirs that they'll go right down after them. Still a few bubbles rising to the surface, suppose that's hopeful.

Fingers got very cold a while ago waiting for Peretz to get done digging in the snow, still hurt a bit.

Thinking about earnest political types, endless recitation of ever more tiresome truth- look, the Enlightenment failed for a reason. My impression is, approximately and for the most part, everyone's already aware of the truth. That's not the problem. Go right ahead with the recital if it makes you feel better, I suppose.

Very sunny.

Feeling a lot better about being a warlike creature, think we're probably necessary, warlike world, full of stupid cowards. I wish I could help them, there's no helping them. On with the slaughter.

Just made myself a hot chocolate with some very strong dark chocolate, malt syrup & milk. Strong chocolate rather overwhelms the malt flavor, still quite nice. Also baking some prefabricated brownies which I intend to enjoy topped with vanilla ice cream multiple times this weekend. Until I'm satisfied.

(Smiles pleasantly)

Mind alive with evil works & a cheerful, probably healthy, contempt for others and their tiresome, intractable problems. The main thing that makes most of these intractable is that, if eliminated, people would be at a loss what to do without them. Bit like children, I suppose.

Finished my hot chocolate, going to go out with Peretz in search of meteors shortly.

Finally got around to digging car out. Think I'm going to do the burger/malt thing tomorrow as nasty ice storm is on for Sunday & Tim needs a ride to his folks' house. How many taboos can one man violate?

Been exposed to some pretty mind-boggling stupidity lately, still find it surprising, must not really be as contemptuous of others as many think I am, don't worry, I'm getting there, soon you'll have been right all along.

Just spent a while setting up demo of embedded flash player that plays icecast streams in order to humiliate arrogant prick who sent a nastygram to a colleague saying that doing that was impossible & that he was a pro & would know. Same guy who had to have m3u files explained to him a while back, people must so enjoy basking in the glow of his genius.

"By analysing the top-scoring strategies, Axelrod stated several conditions necessary for a strategy to be successful.

Nice

The most important condition is that the strategy must be "nice", that is, it will not defect before its opponent does. Almost all of the top-scoring strategies were nice; therefore a purely selfish strategy will not "cheat" on its opponent, for purely utilitarian reasons first.

Retaliating

However, Axelrod contended, the successful strategy must not be a blind optimist. It must sometimes retaliate. An example of a non-retaliating strategy is Always Cooperate. This is a very bad choice, as "nasty" strategies will ruthlessly exploit such softies.

Forgiving

Another quality of successful strategies is that they must be forgiving. Though they will retaliate, they will once again fall back to cooperating if the opponent does not continue to play defects. This stops long runs of revenge and counter-revenge, maximizing points.

Non-envious

The last quality is being non-envious, that is not striving to score more than the opponent (impossible for a ‘nice’ strategy, i.e., a 'nice' strategy can never score more than the opponent)."

Managed to only fall down once walking P, nice fluffy snow, fingertips of left hand feel like they've been hit with a hammer, but no real damage. Fun, fun, fun. Nice to see Peretz frolicking wildly no matter how unsafe it is. Enjoy wild frolicking.

Trying to figure out how much more of the day to spend at work, officially, I can leave whenever I like, may just go over, check in, then do remaining tasks from here while sipping cocoa.

Thinking I should maybe be in the market for a geisha, or, given my own refined sensibilities & esthetic discipline, placing myself on the market as one. Anyone care to be fed delicate tidbits while I recite "The Faerie Queene"?

Did end up reading another Cordwainer Smith story before sleep, this one, all sorts of interesting resonances, structure a bit cockeyed & abrupt, very nice. Somehow didn't keep me awake, fell asleep more or less like I imagine normal people do, seems a bit like being pushed under water, might be why I have such a problem with it.

Half awake, thinking about prose, narrative structure, etc., etc.

Would rather be sleeping, was having beautiful dreams. Since I'm stuck awake, will get on with refining & polishing their contents, action plans, strategies & tactics. Overall strategy, be cheerful & helpful, tactics involve extreme alertness, rapid transitions, layered perspectives. Trying to stick to what I'm good at.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Not doing very well at resting, also recall I was meaning to read a lot this week, haven't been doing too well at that either, did manage to work in a chapter of From Reverence to Rape & a couple Cordwainer Smith stories yesterday, quite beautiful & strange, those stories, may read a couple more before sleep tonight even though reading things that interest me keeps me awake. Could use more sleep, really enjoy lying awake thinking.

Stopped by Trader Joe's on the way home & picked up several convenience food items for which I have no real need. Driving back on 9, low deep orange crescent moon, gigantic, delicate, easy to relate to.

Warmed up some yellow curry, flashed the os of spanking new H2 handy recorder so it would mount under 10.5, played around with it a bit, seems to work, going to play around with it some more later.

Being in disagreement with someone I feel quite a deep intellectual sympathy with over whether a third person is just another piece of self-involved, lying filth the world would be better off without or a precious, tender ewe lamb is a bit disconcerting, truth probably somewhere in the middle (kidding, kidding, hate that nonsense)- honestly, though, the shared, implicit predicate, 'infantile', pretty sure that's spot on. Have fun with that.

Finally going to get a chance this afternoon to look at large number of systems I need to move, if only cursorily.

Headache has grown progressively worse as day has progressed, now accompanied by nausea. Tried eating a whole wheat matzoh at work to see if that would help, didn't. Came home, had some rice pudding & coffee, so far that hasn't helped either.

Being oriented to long & very long timeframes makes the whole world seem very odd, makes me seem very odd. I'm not actually that odd- long attention span, mostly, also very nervous, so a bit jumpy & out of sync. Maybe that's very odd, I don't know. In any case, I prefer it.

Bit of a skating rink out there, makes Peretz very excited, a wonder I got home without a cracked skull. Очень Перец!

Anyway, out slipping around on parking lots, thinking about moral imbecility. Bit hard to know how best to deal with that when encountered, get the fuck away as quick as possible seems best, but sometimes it's at work & sometimes it follows you around, sometimes it's the guiding principle of the society in which you live. Working on strategies and tactics.

Weak creatures, but a great many of them.

Have enough food left over from dinner party that this should be a pretty leisurely week on the homefront, hoping I'll be able to find ways to take advantage of that, advance projects, etc.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Ate some nice food, watching The Nutty Professor, no guests as yet, probably best, not really in fit state to receive them.

Should maybe have a drink.

This movie has a pretty startling number of extremely uncomfortable scenes.

Experiencing some remarkable mental clarity alongside unprovoked emotional roller coaster, the gist of that being- things are pretty awful, but could easily be much, much worse. Almost were, as a matter of fact, in several different ways. Would be nice if I could manage to feel relieved, I really should be.

Interestingly subtle striations in the gray sky this morning which, when photographed, appear as flat gray.

Strange how when one's experience is a constant flow of metaphors and suchlike, people tend to seize on one or another according to their own predilections and raise it to status of emblem, not peculiar to metaphor, of course, just a special case of the privileged scene, pivotal because one imagines it to be so.

What's different about data overload today is not that there's more of it, there's always been an inconceivably large amount of it, it's that we have different ways available to conceptualize it and that more of it is shared.

Difficult to analyze the motivations behind lies such as these, sort of interesting, sort of not. Seems to involve a misattribution of the significance things have for the speaker to the listener, confusion of identities, profound, banal.

Thinking about genre confusion with respect to the movies I'm showing later, The Nutty Professor genuinely horrifying in many of its more cringe-inducing comic moments, more genuinely grotesque than Altered States, which, structurally, is pretty much a romantic comedy lacking humor. Had forgotten that "I love you, Emily!" is the film's closing line, funny stuff.

Busily elaborating my preoccupations via encounters with the unconscious and the real. Like the big friendly giant says, "One and the same."

Going to go try & provide some technical support to a worthy if dysfunctional nonprofit in a bit. Hope I can help, bit of an uphill battle, apparently. We're used to it.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Don't know if you've ever been subjected to sustained abuse by someone you love for trying to explain that they're hurting you. It makes an impression.

Have mapped out dinner party plans through Christmas Eve, after that, think I'm going to take a hiatus from that till Chinese New Year. January is going to be difficult, hard to express how difficult I expect it to be. Probably best if I spend it quietly by myself, wouldn't want to inadvertently hurt anyone. Week safety margin on either side, probably best.

Was nice to go to the Bookmill even though they didn't have the book I wanted, got some others: The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Other Stories, From Reverence to Rape: The Treatment of Women in the Movies, Timeless Toys: Classic Toys and the Playmakers Who Created Them. Good to have a wide range of interests, helps to pass the time.

Went by International Market in Hadley for coconut cream, sweet rice flour, etc., also went by Big Y for a few missing items. Just got started on an Italian style boiled rice pudding with mango & coconut, going to make a yellow curry with root vegetables in a bit.

Watching Altered States, hoping it will inspire me with further ideas for cookery. After that, going to head up to the Bookmill, see if they have a copy of Either/Or & some other things, then do some more grocery shopping.

Year spent dealing with obtrusive self, beaten all out of shape by thoughtless associates, annoying, better things to be doing than hammering bits of myself back in place, more than annoying, actually, boring, uninteresting. A year wasted. Realizing it was necessary doesn't make it much less galling.

Enjoying some Outlook pulled pork on a roll, going to have some more with latkes later. Also got most of the necessaries for dinner party, still need to pick up assorted Asian items from Hadley, a copy of The Nutty Professor, may try to do that later today if it's not snowing too hard, would like to get started making things.

Finally managing to look up some books I've been wanting, quite taken aback by the godawfulness of the new UMass online catalog, what's the problem with putting location and availability info on the main record page? Fucking stupid. All sorts of other ill-motivated design decisions nearly unbearable to my information professional sensibilities. Pressing on.

Out walking in the snow with Peretz, wondering how things might have gone had last year's weather been more like this. Would've altered my experience of it, certainly, but think final outcome would've been much the same. Some people have pretty rigid behavioral agendas and what they do with themselves and others is almost entirely determined by them, without regard for external circumstances, including other people. Glad I'm not programmed to maximize the self destructive potential of situations, so sorry & sad that you are, dear.

New sage green shirt, brown pants, brown shoes, shocking orange hoodie, powder blue tinkerbell hat. Sometimes like to dress in a manner such that my political attitudes are perfectly clear, no buttons or placards required. Our militancy may surprise you, what of it? A holy terror- that's right, run for it, sissies.

Lovely cloud of darkness settling in my brain, making me feel a lot better about things, harsh, clear, active. Lots of things to fix. Lots of things to destroy.

People always seem to want to talk others into making the world into something or other, prefer to just try & do it, neither works, I think my way's more fun, people are mostly pretty stupid, talking with them a big drag.

Thought of Chanukah led, quite understandably, to visions of latkes with pulled pork dancing in my head. Decided I was too tired for the moment to make vision reality, walked to town for a burrito, picked up latke makings after. Still need a pork shoulder.

"Bloodnok: Oh. Jigger me crudlers. Seagoon: The speaker was a military gentleman, clad in a grass skirt. Bloodnok: That’s the last time I stand near a lawnmower. Ohhhh, that gardener. Oh, what a snake in the grass he is. Seagoon: Pardon me sir, could you tell us the name of this island? Bloodnok: Yes, I can. It’s the Isle of Alassie, so called after our national anthem. (sings) I love a lassie, a bonny Chinese lassie… Seagoon: Splendid, I knew her mother! Bloodnok: Nonsense, we were just good friends, I tell you… Seagoon: Wait a minute! Haven’t I seen your photograph in the papers? Something about… Bloodnok: It’s a lie!! It’s a lie, I tell you! I never went near the regimental safe! Anyway, I was going to put the money back...I…Could I help it if the horse lost? It was two other fellows named Smith, I tell you. Seagoon: Bloodnok!! Bloodnok! That’s it, you’re Major Bloodnok! Bloodnok: Well…er…I…er...I was. Seagoon: What do you mean, you were? Bloodnok: Well, I had to change my name, you know, it…it got dirty."

Spend too much time listening to that stuff while trying to fall asleep. Spend too much time trying to fall asleep.

At work, feeling remarkably sleep deprived, thinking about the conceptualization of art as an independent domain after the social conditions of possibility of that have pretty much collapsed. Mostly academics who think about things that way anyway & in their little backwater it's still sort of true.

Think about these sorts of things when sleep deprived, so sue me.

On the plus side, went & got tasty Chinese noodles in Florence for lunch.

T's gone again. Sun's about to come up. Thinking I should get up early more often.

Thinking about how much I despise bureaucracies- kiss up, kick down; overvalue the expendable, easily replaced fat at the top; undervalue the people who know things & get things done. All pretty repulsive & one might expect, given the stupidity of it all, that in the long run such organizations would get what's coming to them. Experience proves otherwise. Might have something to do with the fact that our society as a whole is pretty much that sort of organization, writ large. One might expect that we're going to get what's coming to us & pretty much every day of the week, we do. Half expect to turn on the TV & see Brezhnev giving a weary pep talk.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Peretz is in full on crazy snow mode, eating snow, running around crazily, rushing to the edge of buildings and pacing the sides intently, unwilling to come away, eating more snow, needing to go back out again soon to pee, eat more snow.

Think I've settled on The Nutty Professor & Altered States as the movies for next dinner party, think I'm also going to take it easy on myself for the dinner theming, going to simply make dishes with ingredients exclusively from very close by and very far away, probably a mix in each dish. That's Sunday evening, come if you like.

Going to be a long day tomorrow, need to take T to airport at four thirty in the morning, boss is working from home, so will probably be fielding a lot more stupid questions than usual. I'll try to remember my whip.

Decided that getting a burger & a malted on Sunday was more important than maintaining respect for mere protocol, therefore went out in the sleet & got them at the Friendly's on King Street, I know, I know, chain restaurant, in town, been there before, etc., etc. Big on setting up overly complex, largely arbitrary rule systems for myself, violating them when it seems appropriate, sometimes at whim. Hail Ganesh!

Spent my time at Friendly's thinking about missing friends, going to Friendly's on family trip to New England the summer E.T. came out, getting those sundaes with Reese's Pieces, they still make those, I think.

So, burger & malted more important than where I get it, keeping one friend alive more important than sparing another's feelings, keeping systems functioning more important than their being elegant. Try very hard to keep my priorities straight.

Spent my morning playing with returned camera, cold enough out that compulsion to take distorted photos was under a little pressure from intense finger pain, compulsion won out, of course.

After that, went & met Rob & Alie at Lone Wolf for brunch, lovely to see them, food was delightful as always, after eating we made a quick visit to the Smith art museum, hadn't been there in ages, nice book art exhibit up, took more pictures where allowed to do so.

Left museum just as snow was starting to fall, it's stopped again, supposed to get a good bit of it, maybe 2-4 inches. Looking forward to it, a bit worried about T getting back from NYC OK, predicted freezing rain causing electrical outage.

Busy schedule precluded getting my weekly burger & malted, rather enjoying pretending to be snowed in with pup. If I could think of a place in town I've never been where I could get those items, I'd probably go there for dinner, don't think there is such a place.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Tim came by, gave my special magic crappy camera back, I took the pictures & such he took in Europe & put them on a cd for him. Also played him some Coasters.

He told me about an epilepsy benefit at the Elevens & despite the music not really being at all what I'm into for the most part, somehow convinced myself to go check it out, turns out I just can't stand being at the Elevens, not sure what it is about the place, but I hate it there, visited with the Thrillpillow folks for a bit, then split. Always glad to support epilepsy.

Being at home again is lovely, probably more lovely for having gone out, may have some more coffee milk.

Pasta with matriciana sauce was very pleasant. Realized that between this & that, I hadn't had time to restock on local soda, therefore went on quick beverage run to the new Big Y, Polar sodas, milk, coffee, Autocrat coffee syrup. Bring on the snow.

"hey. if i was anywere near your house it had nothing to do with you.if its a bother thats too bad, but i realy dont have any intention to bother you.ok. its takin awhile to return some cds but frankly, you did a terrible thing to me.you were very mean and dismissive and calculating.but times gone by and im not realy that resentfull or hurt anymore.i understand that you might not feel safe and you have emotional problems.so i see this and it is usefull understanding this about you .so im not like super mad at you anymore though iam super discusted over what you did to emily.but yeah you are right about the six or nine cd's i have of yours up in the attic that you lent me five years ago . and i'll return them.sometime."

Also might be forgiven for thinking it would be a bad idea for anybody with severe emotional problems to cohabit with someone with attitudes like that toward people with emotional problems.

Anyway, Joel, no need to worry about returning my things, I can buy new ones.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Long drive through nasty Connecticut traffic, nothing out of the ordinary, just sort of hate it there, most places, anyway, took some pictures of the traffic, imagine that made T a bit terrified, sorry, T. Dropped T at the train, wended my way to Wooster Street, ordered a sausage & mushroom pizza to go at Frank Pepe's, then walked around for a while, taking photographs. Got my pizza, eventually found a 91 on ramp and headed north at speed, mostly about 80, eating eccentrically sliced Original Tomato Pie, taking more photographs of the dense traffic.

The periodic complete indifference to danger consequent to horrific abuse can be quite liberating, parody of a desire for life often better than the real thing.

Was thinking of going to see some music in a while, Peretz was so pleased to see me I've decided to give it a miss.

Has gotten quite cold, heard it might snow on Sunday, would be a treat.

Got out of work around one, went with T for nice sushi lunch at Moshi Moshi, extremely pleasant. Going to take her to the New Haven Metro-North shortly as the person who was going to do that flaked. Gets a little tiring picking up other people's slack, better than when you'd like to but it's impossible. My experience is that those are the two main alternatives in life, at least for one such as myself.

Just out snapping more pictures of trees in pale twilight, cold fingers.

May try & get myself some famous Wooster Street pizza after dropping off T, being the one who comes through has its perks, I suppose.

Hard to understand why refraction & reflection don't have more equal roles in our largely optical conception of the mental, maybe because mirrors have been commonplace so much longer than lenses. Stranger as they're really the same thing. Diffraction doesn't seem to enter in much at all, for whatever reason.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Sky cleared out nicely, lovely starry night, wish I were out in the hills, things to do down here.

Just go on and on, supposedly that's intolerable & terrifying, she keeps reading anyway, I keep going on and on. Bit hard to understand it- not the part about me going on and on, understand that just fine, I tend to go on and on- the other part I find a bit odd.

Odd kid, but sweet.

Would sort of like to be asleep, waiting to hear from T her requirements.

Sadly, a willingness to do anything another asks of you doesn't make it possible to accede to contradictory demands. Maybe it could work if one were very Hegelian about it, even gave that a try for a bit, eager to please but never been much of an Hegelian, have always been & remain convinced that contradiction is a matter of words and not things, things other than words, I mean.

Should write some songs. Maybe with lots of words beginning with aitch preceded by 'an'.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Walking with Peretz, noticed my left knee doing funny things, clicky, painful. In the phase of the extended sleep deprivation cycle where muscles start acting up, I guess. Also, light on surfaces seems to have magical properties, maybe a touch of psychosis. Could use more sleep, won't get it.

Limping along on the last of my orange dry soda & thoughts of better days, will have to do.

Lots of things awry with my mind, social anxiety, panic, perfectionism. Makes it difficult for me to do many things I'd like to be doing, people get close to me & are suddenly in a position to notice that I get into states which scare the shit out of them. It's a big drag. One thing which is basically totally unimpaired by these things, though, is what the professionals term 'reality testing.'

Find it easy to relate to people feeling tormented; having strange, obsessional thought patterns; very hard to relate to impaired reality testing. Sorry about that, sweetie, we all have our limitations, I guess.

Liars think I'm lying to them, the sex obsessed imagine I'm their mirror image. Mostly pretty straightforward & honest, as much as I can manage, anyway, & while I find sex interesting, it's not among my primary concerns in life. Those are, pretty much, certain other people, art & staying functional, in roughly that order of priority.

People lock themselves into little nightmare closets, get them to peek out for a minute at the big world outside, often as not they try to drag you back in with them. Imagine they see it as a favor.

Thinking about all the new modes of being available lately, don't get the impression people much notice, still haven't really noticed the effects of motor cars & such, mostly. If you've noticed, you can get an idea of how much these things have sunk in by observing how they're portrayed in popular film.

Finally worked up the energy to make my way to the refrigerator, made myself a plate of tasty Indian leftovers, perked me right up. Decided I had been neglecting Peretz between busyness with work & being exhausted, took him for a long, meandering walk through town. Took a lot of long exposure photos of him frisking, zipping along, looking at things. While doing that, I thought about being hopelessly drawn to severely mentally ill women, think mostly it's that they seem more like real people. Probably something I should get over, they seem to enjoy hurting me very badly for some reason.

Learned earlier that I may not be able to take my remaining vacation time during this calendar year, will roll over to next, probably with some sort of additional time tacked on, didn't really want to go anywhere much anyway, still a bit miffed.

Sometimes feel like I could use some time off, hard to say if it would be any better really.

Lack the energy to get up & eat something, should really get up & eat something.

Turned into an almost alarmingly sunny day, improved my mental state a bit.

Needed to bring another workstation over to Amherst as one of the ones I put in weekend before last died suddenly, thermal failures, well-acquainted with the nose end of the failure curve, I am. Testing the new one now. Going to put in a new UPS as well.

Crossed the bridge with low, vivid sun in my rearview, entering Hadley, little breadbox car headed the other direction, into rush hour bridge snarl, good to see her alive & kicking, sun in her face. Funny how easily others can make me feel better, often just need to go right on doing what they're doing, just being. For me to do that myself is a lot of hard work, have no real problem with hard work, just gets tiring.

Well. This computer seems to be working OK, for the time being, anyway.

Can't sleep, thinking a wide variety of unpleasant thoughts, worrying about people realizing how accurate my assessments of things and people tend to be, they're mostly pretty accurate, don't spend much of my time being surprised. It's sort of boring, actually.

Let myself get caught up in a possibility of things being less boring. May have temporarily impaired my judgement, don't really think so, think I made a fairly good risk assessment, weighed it against possible benefits and decided it was worth a shot. Didn't work out, sad, still think it was worth a shot.

Found myself thinking about how my dad used to make centerpieces with tea lights, decided to go out & get some tea lights. One is burning in little handmade bowl/cup I was given once for fixing a potter's computer. Also got dog biscuits, various soaps, coffee, bottle of Retsina.

Coming to the conclusion that I simply can't be honest with people about some of my reactions to things without terrifying them. Find this a bit of a drag as they are, after all, just reactions. There's a lot more going on. Not everybody needs the total picture, maybe just me, actually. Perfect information state.

Left to my own devices, coming up with more all the time. Thinking about being told that another had a pretty good idea of what my likely coping mechanisms were, suppose reductive thinking can be a comfort, nothing to do with me, of course.