Soccer Mums

These recent weeks have been an era of hurt feelings. Democrats have been scared. They worry about terrorism. They get the shakes at the mention of anthrax. (Tom Daschle’s main talking point is always that his office led the nation in anthrax letters received last fall.) They fret about the nation’s preparedness to withstand new attacks or sniff out plots in the works. Plus they’re certain that the guys who stole Florida knew full well what was coming down the pike before 9/11, and they’re equally convinced those same guys aren’t doing enough to keep us safe as we speak. So they want to be told about everything. Full disclosure. Complete openness. No more secrecy. “Talk to me,” is their new motto. “And hold my hand.”

So Attorney General John Ashcroft complies. He tells Democrats about a key arrest made last month, exactly the consoling news they craved about a plot nipped in the bud — and talk about setting off a dirty bomb. Not a single Democrat wants to believe Ashcroft. It’s all a political fix, they insist, a mean, filthy trick to fool them into thinking that the administration is doing what they’ve been screaming has to be done. Fact of the matter is, having exhausted its Prozac supplies, the nation has nothing to offer that might calm them down. But it might explain a late development, the details of which remain sketchy:

In southern South Korea today, the United States World Cup soccer team lost embarrassingly to a team from Poland which hadn’t scored a goal in World Cup competition going back ages. Poland’s team was so listless and useless in its previous matches, not even the American women’s team would agree to put it on its exhibition schedule. Besides, Poland remains an undying admirer of all things American, the most loyal ally one could imagine. If it lost to Portugal 4-0, it probably wouldn’t have minded losing to the U.S. 40-0. So how does it end up winning 3-1?

Consider. The U.S. team attacked and defeated Portugal. It withstood an onslaught of anti-Americanism to hold off its fired-up South Korean hosts. The ensuing tie proved to be diplomatic coup, a reflection of U.S. strategy since the Korean War, which also ended in a tie, in case anyone’s forgotten. But because the U.S. soccer team’s boldness, consistency, and determination could only have been designed by the Bush national security team, new unrest broke out in Democratic ranks. So someone — again, the details are murky — came up with a clever solution. Why not let those unhappy Democrats run the soccer team for the Poland game? After all, U.S. advance to the second round was already practically assured, and in Poland it had an opponent that had made it more than absolutely clear it was emotionally and physically in no position to resist the U.S.

The rest is history. Those who lost in Florida and can’t stand Ashcroft were allowed to prepare the U.S. team’s game plan and lead America in battle against a country that would proudly offer no opposition. In fact, Poland’s players were ready to defect to the U.S. side and shoot goals into their own net. The end result? A Democrat-led war, in which against a nonexistent opponent the U.S. still loses. Try to round up an independent commission of luminaries to examine that!

But Democrats already think they have an out. John Ashcroft was in Moscow when he made his announcement. Shortly thereafter soccer riots broke out not far from Red Square. The deep thinking at the DNC is that Ashcroft set them off in order to deflect attention from criticism of his dirty-bomber arrest. Now that Russia has been eliminated from World Cup competition for good, new riots are expected. Exactly what the Democrats have been hoping for. Rather than bring Ashcroft back to the U.S. to stand trial, they think this second round of pillaging and looting will be enough to get him hauled before the Hague.

They forget we’ve been watching them. Which can only mean we know who the real EOWs are. Some might have an alibi — e.g., Janet Reno and Martin Sheen, those love bugs, or the entertainer formerly known as Bill Clinton, busily crashing a former bug’s wedding — but the rest? Plus if all goes right, John Ashcroft will soon be in charge of the Hague as well. For once it would seem our EOWs are done for.