Friday, March 27, 2009

Rumors have been circulating at the Boston Latin School, a prestigious college-prep school, insisting that bloody vampires live on campus. Ordinarily, faculty members dismiss these rumors or ignore them entirely. However, the headmaster at the Boston Latin School must have taken the rumors seriously, because a notice was issued and distributed to faculty, students, and parents assuring them that the bloodsuckers do not exist.

Eddy Chrispin, a spokesperson for the Boston Police, told reporters that the police were called to the school this week regarding vampires. The reports were unfounded and no vampires or coffins were discovered inside the four hundred year old building.

It was truly a sight to behold in the 21st Century, over a hundred years since Bram Stoker wrote “Dracula,” while hanging out in a local tavern in Whitby, England, with Oscar Wilde in 1897, discussing sexual prowess and Mary Shelley.

Possibly, the students are headed to Yale, where they can join Skull and Bones?

It makes you wonder who is hiring faculty and headmasters at the school that both Benjamin Franklin and Samuel Adams attended in their youth:

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

J-Ware is a product line of stink-free jocks, which are being tested by Koichi Wakata, the first Japanese astronaut to actually live on the International Space Station.

The underwear is designed by Japan’s space scientists at the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency.

All of this research got started when the designer, Yoshiko Taya, thought he could kill two birds with one stone. He has a teenage son, yielding skid-marks and dirty shorts; and the space station has no laundry facilities, leaving the astronauts stranded in orbit, also with skid-marks and dirty shorts. It was one of those two O’clock in the morning “Ah-So” empathetic brain-fart storms. Plus, he drove the kid’s early morning car pool and couldn't stand the collective fermentation smell before coffee.

According to industry reports, the underwear is stylish and comfortable; and the material is flame-resistant and anti-static, kills bacteria, absorbs water, insulates the body, and dries quickly.

"He (Wakata) can wear his underwear for more than a week," said Koji Yanagawa, an agency spokesperson. That sounds about right.

After Wakata is finished test piloting the J-Ware, the Japanese agency will share its research with NASA.

They are also planning to commercialize the product, making wash day more palatable.

Friday, March 20, 2009

You know the feeling; you’ve had one too many beers and start e-mailing everyone on your list to brag about your new phishing skills and the spyware that you installed on their PC the last time you visited.

“Hey, you visited Hubbahubba.com about 250 times, since last week. What’s up with that?” you say.

“Your ex showed up at my house last week – naked, and the devil made me do it.”

“I can activate your web cam anytime I want, wanna see?”

“You never told me that you sit at your laptop in the nude. My friend was over here last night and I looked in on you, but I quickly hit the ‘Boss’ button, when you reached up for your Java book. How can you sit there looking up code at three O’clock in the morning?”

“That e-mail you sent to your significant other was a bit ridiculous – pookey pookey poo?”

Then you decide to tell off the President for the AIG fiasco, and add a few expletives about Rush Limbaugh, not that Rush doesn’t deserve the expletives, but you sent it directly to the White House and the blood rush you were referring to while describing his brain wasn’t very well received by the Secret Service.

Then you sober up – "Oh shit! I forgot to set the beer timer."

Well good news! Gmail now has a new feature called “Undo Sent,” you should sign up for the service.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I think Republican Senator Charles Grassley from Iowa has been watching too many Godfather marathons, especially the one where Tom Hagen visits Frank Pentangeli “Frankie Five Angels,” lights up a cigar, and suggests that his family will always be taken care of, alluding to the criminal code “if he commits suicide.”

Grassley, in a radio interview, came right out and said that the losers in AIG’s financial division, who took the huge payout, should apologize and/or commit Hara-Kiri.

Maybe Grassley has been listening to too many old WWII stories as well, because this tradition is long gone from Japanese culture. It is also a very disturbing attitude and reeks of stupidity, especially when we all know that the government enabled the $165 million in bonus payouts in the first place, when they bailed-out the AIG sinking ship.

Come on guys, spare us the pretense and outrage - set better rules! Go through legal channels to get back our money and rethink your methodology; Hara-Kiri is not a solution.

The AIG executives have probably already stashed much of their money off-shore and should be forced to make restitution – not die with it all still in Swiss bank accounts and/or the Cayman Islands for beneficiary distribution!

The people of Iowa should lay their case before the House Judiciary Committee and recall this flat liner:

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The “Big Eropolis,” an annual erotic trade show, opened last week in Paris. Promoters claim that it is the world’s largest attraction of its kind. Shoppers can find all sorts of message oils, lingerie, sex toys, treats, and other products that cater to adult indoor sports and perversions at the event.

This year, due to the current economic crunch, sales were off by 30%. However, attendance stayed pretty much the same as in previous years. Each attendee paid 30 Euros for admission and got access to vendor goods and services, seminars, and free erotic and striptease side shows.

This 2009 event had a Cougar theme with goCougar, Date a Cougar, UrbanCougar, Cougared, and Man-Cub Club being represented, as well as seminars like "Cougar 101, Pink Parts - Female Sexual Anatomy," and "Nietzsche’s Revenge," with a special Parisian flair. Cougaring is a pioneer movement that has taken Europe by storm.

The Adecco booth had sort of a reverse theme, with old fat guys chasing after young women. However, it was considered rather archaic and attracted very little interest. The freebie at this booth was a little "lechrechaun" squeeze ball that resembles Rush Limbaugh.

I asked if the sex offender database in Paris included cougars, but I couldn’t get a straight answer.

“You must be an American,” the vendor said. Then, a bystander explained that the database was used more like a Google Cougar locator, rather than a deterrent, on a Saturday night. When we logged on, the Google logo looked like a G-string, two boobs, and gray hair on a lemon M&M.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Liposuctioning unsightly blubber out of self-indulgent patients may not give the impression of being a cream puff job, but it does have its perks. Free biodiesel is one of them.

Dr. Craig Alan Bittner, a plastic surgeon from Los Angeles, is using biodiesel that he manufactured from fat that he allegedly stole from patients during liposuction to fuel his SUV and his significant other’s Lincoln Navigator.

Anyone can make biodiesel for about 50 cents a gallon, but they can’t get celebrity testimonials like Dr. Bittner.

It is not clear who blew the whistle on Dr. Bittner, who saved about 10 cents a gallon for the biodiesel, using the free blubber. It is highly likely that someone resented the fact that the good doctor was riding down Sunset Boulevard on HER Buttocks.

Close inspection of Bittner’s SUV revealed a bumper sticker that read “"I'll Be Home - Courtesy of Mama Cass.”

Dr. Bittner is being investigated for using the illegal human blubber, but no charges have yet been filed.

They turned all of their research over to the FBI and CIA, which in turn used the strategy on members of Al-Qaeda operatives being detained at Guantanamo. They got confessions when they played Todd Rundgren’s “Piss Aaron,” Belle Barth at Basin Street East, Redd Fox’s version of “Beedlebum,” “Up Against the Wall…” from the Lower East Side UAW/MF, Mickey Mouse Club hit tunes from the 1950s, a dozen John Cameron Swayze Timex commercials, and a streaming Rush Limbaugh radio broadcast.

These new counter-terrorism methods have replaced waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and prolonged exposure to cold, as our new president establishes improved humane policies.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

If you log on to www.hubcapcreatures.com, you will find beautiful fish sculptures that have charisma and character. They are designed by Ptolemy and are made from urban automobile hubcaps that were not stolen, but found lying about roadways and junk yards.

Each Hubcap Creature is made from 100% recycled material and often show the scars of their previous existence, which simply adds to the charm and beauty of each piece. Prices range from $300 to $1,000 depending on the value of the material (fancy-assed hubcaps that once lived on a BMW), and the complexity of design.

According to the artist, “All around us are things of beauty and value, but their attributes are interpreted very subjectively. I believe that things utilitarian, or which give pleasure to the eye have the highest value. I come across many things which have been abandoned and find something more in them than their intrinsic worthlessness.”

Having once lived in Philadelphia, it does my heart good to know that our economy hasn’t nose-dived to the point that people feel the need to steal hubcaps. Gone are the good old days of Louie "The Lug" Capucci's hubcap establishment on Washington Avenue. Louie was also known as "Fagin" to thieves of culture in South Philadelphia. He taught hubcap lifting classes every Saturday night in his basement, and paid top dollar for stolen goods.

Today, Louie is in college, and hubcaps can be found lying about I-95; the Italian Market area, out in front of Giordano’s, Claudio’s, and DeBruno Brothers; and inside hundreds of potholes on Columbus Boulevard, nobody cares.

Now, they can truly be appreciated for their aesthetic value in fine Italian calamari sculptures.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

We have had a rather short honeymoon with our new President. Like most people, we had great expectations, but reality has set in and I can’t help, but wonder if Sara Palin was elected, how much more exciting things would be - like the 2009 Iditarod!

Frankly, I’m sick of hearing about the budget, the stimulus package, pork, and the sardines we had for dinner yesterday because it is Lent. If I hear the words “no meat” and “no pork” one more time, I’m going to go into my “slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch…” routine and not in a pleasant way, either.

I could sit down right now and write about 600 Maxine greetings for Hallmark; one for every member of congress and Rush Limbaugh.

Now, if Sarah was our VP, we’d all be pumped about the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race that started in Anchorage today, instead of Biden's Delaware world punkin chunkin championship.

This year, 67 mushers and over 1,000 dogs hit the 1,150-mile trail from Anchorage to Nome, Alaska. Now THAT’s more exciting than watching Paula Deen make cozy vegetarian comfort food, or Andrew Zimmern, with a premonition, eating a cockroach, right?

Most of the contending mushers are competing against star performers Lance Mackey, Rick Swenson, Martin Buser, DeeDee Jonrowe, Paul Gebhard, Mitch Seavey, and Jethro Bodine (last year, he found the groupie camp in a desolate tundra).

The long-shot this year is Sebastian Schnuelle of Whitehorse, Canada, who finished in 10th place last year. Schnuelle resembles Blackbeard the Pirate (his trademark), except he doesn’t light his locks with candles. Bodine is still bringing up the rear from the 2008 race, somewhere near the Bering Strait.

Of course, the $610,000 purse is down 34.7% from last year’s $935,000. Race officials claim that’s because they paid out too much money during the past few years. This year's winner will receive $69,000 and a new pickup truck.

"I still really do need a new truck," said Mackey, who confessed that he has gotten three speeding tickets since he traded in his 2008 prize truck for a Dodge Charger.

"I like going fast, not just on dogs," Mackey said.

You can log on to the Iditarod web site at http://www.iditarod.com for exclusive race coverage and feel the excitement!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

A Canadian filmmaker, Robert Spence, only has one eye. He lost the other one in an accident when he was a teenager. He is only 36 years old, and has been developing his creative talents in the film industry by making documentaries. Now, he can film the whole thing with his prosthetic eye.

The idea of installing a mini camera in his prosthetic eye came to him while filming a documentary about surveillance. So, he and his team created a project called Eyeborg. Their web site is up and running at http://www.eyeborgblog.com.

"Originally the whole idea was to do a documentary about surveillance. I thought I would become a sort of super hero ... fighting for justice against surveillance," Spence said.

"In Toronto there are 12,000 cameras. But the strange thing I discovered was that people don't care about the surveillance cameras, they were more concerned about me and my secret camera eye because they feel that is a worse invasion of their privacy."

So now, if you are still in the dating game, in addition to asking someone "Are you married?" you also have to ensure that both eyes are real and there is no hidden camera in one of them, before getting into a compromising position.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Jack McCloy and Brian McGuinness, two guys from Long Island, came up with a scathingly brilliant idea when they designed and developed a web site called ChuckleDumper - http://www.chuckledumper.com

ChuckleDumper is a dynamically updated humor website and a place for humorists, comics, and fans to socialize. You will thoroughly enjoy the daily updates, videos, stand-up comedy, and sketches.

This video has taken the Internet by storm; it stars a Pseudo Representative Gregory White apologizing to family, friends, and voters for taking up with two teenage runaways in a Washington, DC hotel. He painfully elaborates on his fetishes and weaknesses, as he also apologizes to the makers of a biscuit product that he has abused while performing his unforgivable acts.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The White Cockatoo resort at Mossman in Australia, is probably the only place on the planet where you can call the police because a guest refuses to get naked.

March is ‘swinger history month’ at the nudist colony, after all, so show some respect. Not only that, but we need to “boost sagging tourism figures,” a Cockatoo spokesperson said.

Apparently, a man and his wife from Brisbane, just went there to gawk. Some of the other guests, who were participating in the March Madness party didn’t like that and felt that if they wanted to loiter about, they had to get naked.

Four naked guests staged a protest and a small riot broke out. The fully clothed Brisbanians were evicted from the premises.

"They felt uncomfortable with him eyeing them off and I asked him to show some respect and take his clothes off," said the nudist colony manager.

"He then threatened to bash me, there was some argy-bargy and I ordered him off the premises and police were called."

The 911 dispatcher was a bit confused, so they sent several patrol cars to control the riot and the dressed guests.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The boys from Liverpool are causing another stir. This time it is in the world of academia.

In an unprecedented move, Liverpool Hope University has launched a Master of Arts degree entitled "The Beatles, Popular Music and Society."

"There have been over 8,000 books about The Beatles but there has never been serious academic study and that is what we are going to address," said Mike Brocken, a music professor on the faculty at Hope.

"Forty years on from their break-up, now is the right time and Liverpool is the right place to study The Beatles.

This MA is expected to attract a great deal of attention, not just locally but nationally and we have already had enquiries from abroad, particularly the United States."

Notably, the Beatles sold over a billion records and were among the most successful rock bands in the world, but what could one do with an MA in Beatles Mania?

Last year, the Hard Days Night Hotel opened its doors in Liverpool also with worldwide media coverage. At the same time, NASA beamed The Beatles’ popular recording "Across the Universe" into deep space at 186,000 miles-per-second, hoping to attract alien planets. They might have had better luck transmitting Robin Williams’"Nanu-Nanu!"

According to the experts, from now to 2014, approximately 14 million jobs are estimated to be available to new workers with a bachelor’s degree or higher. The higher your degree, greater are your career options.

A 22-year-old French designer, Charlie Le Mindu, designed this headdress using real dead rat and mouse carcasses. It was introduced on the catwalk during Fashion Week in London. He calls it his ‘Bijou’ creation, although I don't see anything dainty about it unless you consider little Topolino in the front row.

He didn't come right out and say that it was a burka or a political statement, but if you stare at it from a distance, you get the feeling that Le Mindu has been subliminally designing Burkas in his sleep at his Riverview condo in New York. Plus, last year, Islamic cleric Sheik Muhammad al-Munajid declared jihad on Mickey Mouse.

Rat tails hang down the front of the piece, which covers the entire face except for a gap to expose the wearer’s eyes.

“I know not everybody likes mice and rats but they can be beautiful. I think the headdress is really cute,” said Le Mindu. “It is better to make rats and mice beautiful than give them to the snakes. I’m actually a vegetarian.”

I don’t expect this creation to ever become a hit at Harrods or Bloomingdale's.

If you've ever wondered how fashion models in general do the catwalk so effortlessly, while designers seem to be sabotaging their efforts, take a look at this Paris Fashion Week video:

Monday, March 2, 2009

If you are the parent, guardian, grandparent, aunt, or uncle of teenagers; or you really need to clean up your own foul language; you will be pleased to learn of a “No Cussing” movement started a year ago, by 14-year-old McKay Hatch of Pasadena, CA. It is gaining in popularity and has members from 47 U.S. States and 20 foreign countries. The club website is up and running and people who wish to join, can sign up at http://www.nocussing.com.

This week, Pasadena is joining the week-long “No Cussing Challenge,” which officially begins on March 3rd.

Amid both kudos and death threats for his efforts, founder, McKay Hatch, now 15, is well on his way to launching a successful marketing career. He has appeared on FoxNews, MSNBC, CBS, ABC, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, The Dr. Phil Show, The Early Show, Good Morning America, and American Idol’s; he has been interviewed by many publications including Time Magazine and Boy’s Life.

According to Hatch, “Our members take the No Cussing Challenge, which is a commitment to themselves to use better language. This commitment not only improves their lives but also the world around them. Through our motto, "Leave People Better Than You Found Them" our members are also looking for opportunities everyday to help people and lift them up through their words and actions.”

I hope this effort succeeds, or at least makes a positive impact on our society, as I’m getting fed up with all the Sam Kinison-type routines that I find and try to avoid in public places frequented by chronic cussers. I had to provide earmuffs to my elderly aunt once, so we could just get past the front entrance to the local deli. No, we didn't have osteoporosis, we were dodging those sonic four-letter-words. Pirates would call this "language pillage."

Most of us have about 250 tiny hairs on each eardrum that act as mechanoreceptors for hearing. You can lose 50 of those hairs just walking past the video store at the mall. We need more folks like McKay Hatch before people, who are proficient at using better adjectives, permanently cringe and their eardrums go bald.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Sculpture artist, Shu Yong, fully appreciates a woman's body as a natural masterpiece of fine art. To show his respect for silicon-free boobs, he has created these Ta-Tas and has taken them on a bobble tour through the streets of Qingyuan, in China's Guangdong province, on an ox-pulled float. Needless to say, the sculptured breasts have attracted large crowds.

He hopes that women will view his art and understand they don't need plastic to achieve beauty. Beauty is in the natural scheme of things.

“The sculpture was previously featured in an exhibit in Beijing that aimed to increase appreciation for natural curves in a country where plastic surgery is booming,” reported Metro in the UK.

It is not clear what type of material he used to create the huge bobbling breasts. However, he used this equation to achieve the proper bounce:

b = vt

where:• b is the bounce• v is the velocity • t is the terrain • vt is v times t

Opponents quote Confucius, "With coarse rice to eat, with water to drink, and my crooked arm for a pillow - is not joy to be found therein? Riches and honors acquired through unrighteousness are to me as the floating clouds."

Of course, the unrighteous will all be watching the giant floating clouds on the float, while drinking a six-pack.

Buy my humor ebook: Sitting on Cold Porcelain

About Me

Twitter: @rosevalenta Humor columnist.
Welcome to Rosie's Renegade Humor Blog. The word "Renegade" describes it all - seriocomic musings about current events, politics, sports, and humorous happenings from around the world. You know, "Skinny Dipping!"
I attend the bi-annual Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop at the University of Dayton, am one of the directors of the Robert Benchley Society, and the previous Membership Chair of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.
I wrote for a subsidiary of McGraw-Hill for 12 years, as a technical staff writer and freelanced for other industry publications. I took creative writing courses at Delaware Technical College and attended classes at the Philadelphia Improv Theater. Many of my articles are syndicated and have appeared in USA TODAY, Newsday.com, The Courier Post, The Wall Street Journal, and many other publications.

I am available for speaking engagements, please e-mail: ebww2014@comcast.net