Every bit as much as she embraces sharing the holidays with family and friends, Lori LeRoy says staring at the cards already arriving in her mailbox featuring the faces of smiling babies delivers a gripping sadness.

It is a silent grief, she tells ParentDish, and one she will wear just beneath the smile she brings to the holiday table.

For six years, the Indianapolis public relations director and her husband, Nick, have been through the grueling process of infertility treatments. Despite being able to belt out a whooping 22 eggs, oral hormones, in vitro fertilization and myriad treatments, which she ticks off like they were items on a menu, the couple has hit a fertility wall.

This year, even though LeRoy began her day running in a 5K Turkey Trot with close friends and will be surrounded at the table by her parents, aunt and uncle, nieces and nephews, her sister's family and her husband at her side, she says she feels utterly alone.

"We're calling them the 'hellidays,' " LeRoy says, referring to a pact with a friend who also is facing the holidays without a child.

Lori and her husband Nick have been dealing with fertility treatments for six years. Credit: Darren Ho

Infertility is a painful reality for 6 million women and men across the country, who find themselves in the midst of a holiday season that signals a time of celebration when their own uncertain futures seem sad, says Kristen Lohman Burris, an Idaho acupuncturist who treats hundreds of women facing infertility at her center.

Burris, who struggled with her own fertility issues for years, now has twins, and tells ParentDish she wants to send a message of hope to infertile couples: "You are not alone."

"One of the most painful experiences of one's life is the inability to conceive or stay pregnant," Burris tells ParentDish. "During the holidays people love to tell stories about their children -- what their children are doing in school, athletic achievements and funny anecdotal stories."

To help ease the heartbreak and tensions throughout the holiday season, Burris and other experts offer key survival strategies:

Smooth talk: Find a subtle way to let family members know that, yes, you are trying, but you'd rather focus on enjoying the holiday instead of talking about it right now, Elan Simckes, M.D., for Fertility Partnership of St. Peters, Mo., tells ParentDish.

"If your relatives don't get the message -- we all have that sweet-but-a-little-obtuse aunt, right? -- think of a short answer to the question before heading to the party, so you won't be put on the spot with nothing to say," Simckes says. "Be armed with other interesting news or information to share with your relatives, so you can give your answer to the baby question and then quickly turn the conversation in another direction."

"Give yourself a break from the ongoing parties and celebrations that you are not ready to participate in," she tells ParentDish.

Start new traditions. Create a new or different holiday ritual with your partner or close friends or family members as a way of acknowledging the holidays in a lower key, comfortable manner, Waichler says.

Create mantras: Burris suggests couples struggling with fertility should create an arsenal of internal mantras: "I will not be childless forever." "I will have stories to share like this one day, too."

Cry, baby: If all else fails, Burris recommends fleeing to the bathroom "for a good cry."

Like many couples, LeRoy has employed her sense of humor as a secret survival weapon. On behalf of other couples facing infertility this holiday season, she is launching her own Internet campaign: "National Don't Send Me Christmas Cards with Photos of Your Kids on Them Month," on her blog, "Fertility Foibles."

There, she chronicles the lighter side of infertility, "trying to find funny or awkward moments throughout the process of trying to get pregnant and pointing out the absurdity of some of it," she says.

"Getting cards with kids playing in the snow or dressed in matching sweaters is usually enough to send me and many other 'infertiles' over the edge," LeRoy tells ParentDish. "So, this year, snarky and bitter though it is, I am hoping to save some friends 44 cents by asking them not to send me a card. If that doesn't work, I'd advise people to just throw them away before they open them."

In an effort to tap into their parenting instincts, LeRoy and her husband have four rescued pets (three cats and a Labrador) and are adopting a second English Lab this Thanksgiving. They've also been mired in red tape in an effort to adopt a 3-year-old boy from an orphanage in Vietnam.

She says that sometimes what helps most "is to know that I am not alone."

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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 18)

It is absolutely riduiculous for people to be crying their eyes out and spending unimaginable amounts of money trying to fly into the face of all that is NATURAL to have a baby. Some people are meant to have them and some are not. If you happen to be one of the NOTS, move on. Make the best of the life you do have and stop reaching for the impossible. Perhaps you would make lousy parents and that is why you are not physically able to have children of your own. People are always wanting the unattainable.

I am a single mom with a beautiful daughter. She does not have a grandparent to hug & spoil.. I know that I would let you spoil her. (I mean, there is some elderly ladies at church and my daughter routinly goes gives them hugs and shares snacks/candies with them.) they light up and yes, it makes me feel good. I really miss my parents, they would've spoiled her too with hugs.

@ MC - I'm guessing you have children because no one who has struggled with this path would say something like that. And to tell someone who is childless that it is "god's will" that 2 loving would be parents aren't meant to have a baby but the crack whore on the corner is meant to have 8 is ridiculous.

Hi Angie, better now than if you got married! Thats what happened to me after 4 years my x dumped me, and remarried and had a son. That killed me! My husband now is wonderful and we are leading a different life than everyone and our friends sometime are jealous of us because of the things we can do and they can not.

Angie, They said I was Barren too..But what do you say?? Keep Believing..after 5 years no infertility treatment, I gave birth and now have 2 beautiful kids..I had to stop believing in what they said and start believing what I said that every morning is a new day. I spoke life over my situation and said just the opposite of what they said and it came to pass.

While I feel for people that can not have children, and I may very well be one of them(I have medical issues that may make it very hard for me to have children), why do the majority of women make a having a baby into their entire life? There is a saying...."if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." Not having a baby does not make you any less of a person. And Marybeth, I can imagine you have tried IUI, IVF....have you considered embryo adoption? I ask only because you're trying to adopt from another country. Also have you thought about egg donation? While I dont know your specific medical condition if there even is one but those are options.....and a word of advise....if you have been trying with the same Doctor or practice and it hasnt worked move on.....there is a Dr. Schoolcraft in Colorado who is considered the best Reproductive Endocrinologist in the world. If you're that serious, perhaps you should look him up. Best wishes to you

Easy to say for someone who hasn't tried. And thoughtless. Sometime NOTHING works. And someone else always knows better. More options doesn't make the situation easier in this situation. One is left wondering why something that just "happens" to 15 year old whores is impossible (and VERY expensive) for someone who longs to hold their own child. You're left mourning the loss of your child that wasn't meant to be and not understanding why.

Chienblue - I could not have biological children. Like other "infertile" women, I had to make a decision - did I want to be pregnant or did I want to be a parent? For me, parenthood was FAR more important than a particular biological experience. I am now the happy mother of twin boys via adoption. To me, the pregnancy obsession is incomprehensible. I am not insensitive, but sometimes life really just isn't fair and you have to make decisions.

I agree. It's very important for people who want to start a family to find a way to do so, but to make that goal such a focused part of your life that it affects your social support net doesn't sound emotionally healthy. Then again, I'm one of those people who takes great joy in other people's kids.

This is actually directed @chienblue. I understand you may be struggling with infertility issues and have feelings of hurt and anger but it is not appropriate to refer to teen moms as "15 year old whores". Some of these "whores" may have been abused. Some of these young girls may make the heart-wrenching choice to place their baby up for adoption. Lashing out with hateful name-calling is not the o.k.

Chienblue - I completely agree. Mu husband and I - 37 years old - have been trying for about 6 months, incl. using Clomid. All the tests have come back normal, but b/c of our age, we have decided to start more aggressive fertitlity treatments this month. It does some like it happens so easily for everybody else around us. Not saying that's how it is, just saying that's how it seems. So many of our friends have children this year - at least 10 - and while I'm happy for them, it does hurt seeing the pictures, hearing the stories. Everybody always asking us about our plans for a family doesn't help either. I know they mean well, but it's just a constant reminder. My husband and I have also had the discussion about these crack whores and teenagers who seem to get pregnant a the drop of a hat - sometimes multiple times and it just doesn't seem fair. We "played by the rules," got our education, established our careers and have been married for a couple of years. And while we would consider adoption, something in me longs to experience pregnancy. I can't explain it. Those who don't "get it," that's fine, but don't judge just b/c you don't understand. Anyway, I hardly ever comment on these threads. This one just hit close to home. Good luck to you and everyone struggling with infertility.

I can empathize with you. I was once a woman who thought that it was meant for us to be childless. A total of 12 pregnancies with one ectopic pregnancy leaving one functioning fallopian tube, numerous first trimester losses, bad clomid reaction, multiple fertility injections, strict ovulation counted -timed love-making, failed IVF, one stillborn due to huge fibroids, multiple myomectomy (multiple fibroid removal), situational nervous breakdown due to the loss of our son -going into my sixth month- who was (stillborn). I went through the entire birthing process to deliver a dead fetus (epidural and the whole nine yards) and then being admitted and placed on an OB floor was TORTURE.

Let's not forget the excessive sperm collections, follicle extraction and implantations. Not to mention the hystersalpingograms, and laporoscopies (feet always up in the air -business). We went through TWELVE LONG YEARS OF THIS. with a lot of PRAYING, it was our last try at IVF and out of four eggs that were planted, only one survived. We became pregnant. At 5 months I went into labor and I was told to go home and abort and I refused.. I told them to let God make the decision. They put me on an old drug- a turbutaline regimen (I was told that this was CONTROVERSAL) and probably would not work. They kept me in the hospital on my back for 2 months (thank God we had the right kind of insurance). My cervix was open and each time I ATTEMPTED TO dangle my legs, I went into labor 3 times that they were able to stop it. Well that old turbutaline worked and they gave me medicine to strengthen the baby's lungs during those two longggg months. We did not know what our fate was. Believe it or not, OUR TWO POUND ANGEL was born. She was entubated for only 5 hrs, gained weight and was discharged in 45 days with no deficits. She is now 12 years old, very bright and a honor student in private Catholic school. I thought that it was neccessary to mention that we are African Americans because I rarely hear about any infertility issues when it comes to African Americans. Do not hold me on this, I could be wrong.

My advice, turbutaline given to me (the Hospital of University of Pennsylvania) infertility program and complete bedrest worked. Do not give up if you are able to carry on with your battle with infertility. Remember- "TWELVE LONG YEARS. And yes- she is daddy's little girl. My husband could not be any happier. He hung in there with me. We are truly BLESSED!. Infertility disrupts every aspect of your life and as you can see, we've been there.

Tina,((hugs)) Gosh, I was reading, and the first paragraph of your story was soo familiar to mine it was unreal , including the ectopic , etc. Mine ruptured, leaving me with 2.5 liters of blood in my abdominal cavity, emergency surgery, removal of that tube of course, almost dying during surgery and then that left me with one functioning tube with many adhesions! And we only battled 8.5 yrs to get to where we are today, 12 is even worse and we were lucky enough to have only lost 4 of the pregnancies in the process with the pregnancies and birth of the two we have being fairly normal, closely monitored of course as I had GD pretty bad with both and was on insulin but they were not premature and I thank God for that and was just happy to be pg. at all . Just wanted to say I admire your strength for all you have endured and I am glad you shared your strory today .

Great topic to air out ..been there...my wife and stopped all the usual latest technology and made a decision God just meant it to be that way..very hard on a marriage..and one's soul.."giving up" helped...and we went on with life..things got better. Then one day my wife told me she "might" be pregnant..I told her in your late 40s you might be starting menopause..(is "normal after about age 35 ).I was wrong..and we now have 2 daughters...I am still dumbfounded..and blessed...maybe "giving up" had something to do with it..I see so many couples "hide" the issue..and is so common and so much stress on a marriage and each partner's soul...I guess my opinion is there will come a time to "give up" and realize it was just not meant to be...and move on with life ..at that point is a win win situation...God bless all those couples going through this.."other" people say things they think are "helpful" but just add to the stress...We all have many things to be thankful for..happy thanksgiving allBAS

My doctor said the most common cause of infertility was actually due to low thyroid. Most doctors miss this and blood tests for thyroid function are not totally accurate. The best method for determing true thyroid function is under the arm basil temperature measurements. Many websites will have the directions and which day of the month to start taking the readings.

Also one of the biggest causes of low thyroid is fluoride and fluoridated water. A doctor who specialized in fertility told me this. The form of fluoride used in water fluoridation is not natural calcium fluoride but hydrofluorosilic acid. It is absorbed directly through your skin every time you shower, wash hands etc. Copy and paste into your browser WWW.FLUORIDEALERT.ORG See health effects database on left of page.

Do not despair--you may get pregnant through one method or another. In the meantime it wouldn't hurt to volunteer at an orphanage. It would mean so much to those children to get extra attention. You never know--one (or maybe more) might steal your heart so completely that you will know that is "your" child. It happens : )

At worst the time you spent there will have brought a lot of joy to a lot of kids (and to you too) and at best you could end up with that special child who is the perfect match for you and who will fill your heart in a way you never imagined would be possible. There are just as many children who are desperately longing for a family of their own as there are childless couples/singles who are desperately longing for a child of their own.

The pain of wanting a child and not being able to have one is a truly terrible thing but the pain of a child without a family of it's own who is desperately longing for one to belong to--to be loved and wanted and cherished--is much worse. It is in your power to make that child's pain go away and be replaced with the incomparable joy of having a mommy of their very own.

All children are "natural", whether they live come to their parents through birth or adoption. George Washington had stepchildren who were completely "natural"- not artificial life forms- just no biological connections.

TheTalkies

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