SPACE, OUTER - Today at 3:00 p.m. P.S.T., a million miles over the earth's atmosphere clouds, the first attempt at space butt sex was performed out the port side of the intramural space station, the SPARTAN. Captain Lee Tigerbelly and Admiral Nelson were donned in what many thought was an "inordinate" amount of protection generally not affiliated with butt sex. While normal butt sex is performed with a latex contraceptive or a swift apology, the Captain and Admiral put on what co-workers called, 'everything in sight'. "They just kept putting things on, its as if they wanted to be wearing as many things between them during the act as possible. I started to get the feeling they didn't even want

WHEN ASKED HOW STARV'N, ONE HUNGRYJURY MEMBER REPLIED, "MAN, I'M STARV'N LIKE MARVIN"

Courtroom, Law City - As day 23 of the vague trial known as the Patterson case began, it was leaked to the press that many members of the jury were, "starv'n". It's being reported that jurors thought there would be more food at the trial than has been realized. Juror Mike Kleetan, who wishes to remain anonymous, says, "They had some bagels in the morning, and we got to order whatever we wanted to from Wendy's for lunch, but man its been a couple hours and I could really eat again." There is speculation that in fact how hungry the jury is, may effectthe outcome of the case. This is the third time the case has been to trial. The first time the case went to court, a mistrial was declared because during the prosecution's final cross examination, the judge allowed the jury to "run real quick to Micky D's", and no one ever came back. And last January at the case's second try in the courtroom, many jurors kept asking to go the bathroom, and were found wondering the halls 'just look'n at stuff'. The judge declared that they would attempt to run the trial a third time, but this time do it 'for real-zees'. Court was adjourned early Tuesday when the jury kept yelling objection on the grounds that they were 'hungry as balls'. So will the fact that the jury's hunger level is equal to that of testicles place the possibility for justice in jeopardy? It seems that appetite may in fact be a factor. This was especially evident last night when juror Casey Rumbrock of 1289 west Rockford Av. Mill Valley, CA responded to questions of whether or not he thought the defendant was guilty, replied, "Whatever, I just wanna get outa here and grab some pizza rolls or some shit." So what exactly is the Patterson trial? The nature of the case is yet to be discovered. While finding out how famished the jury is has been fairly simple, details of the case itself have been kept under wraps. While most of the case is ambiguous, it is known that the case has something to do with the grand larceny of thousands of ridiculously delicious sandwiches.

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Photo taken by Xyintor of Alphron-7

to be having butt sex." But Lee swears he was just playing it safe. "Being the first person to have butt sex in space is a huge honor, but there is a great responsibility that comes with that. Whether it's in the vacuum of space, or inside a large refrigerator box, its important to practice safe butt sex. So underneath my space suit I wore all the clothes and duct tape that I had brought with me. You just can't be too careful In this day and age of disease and pregnancy. While disease and pregnancy is somewhat redundant, Lee does have some good points. But the question at hand is: when are you being safe, and when are trying to not actually have butt sex? Admiral Nelson was a bit more up front about the venture.

"When it was first mentioned that once we were up there, we'd have to have butt sex for the sake of science, to be honest, I wasn't that crazy about the idea. But the more I thought about it, the more I was like, sure, on the one hand I'd have to have butt sex, but on the other hand, I get to go to space!" Whatever the astronauts' motivation was to wear all the accouterments that they did; whether it was for protection, to stay alive in space, or to keep the actual act of butt sex from happening, the mission was a failure. Cape Canaveral's Corporal Tunel stated, "At the end of the day, while they went through the motions, no butt sex ever actually happened. It's too bad, we spent a lot money to put those two in outer space to have butt sex, and now we still don't know anymore about butt sex in space than we did before the mission." Plans for another mission are already in the works. While the first attempt left more to be desired, Mission Control Guy Bud Alzran remains optimistic. "Maybe it's not this mission, maybe it's not the next one, but I'm very confident with everyone's hard work, we'll eventually get it in the end." Quickly afterwards Alzran realized his accidental innuendo and asked if he could be re quoted. We could not reach him with an answer before the print deadline.

"...THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE I WAS LIKE, SURE ON THE ONE HAND, I'D HAVE TO HAVE BUTT SEX, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, I GET TO GO TO SPACE!"