The Greatest yearly event is back, over one year late! Read jokes from one year ago that are no longer relevant!

OOC: I think by now you all should know what to expect. If you continue reading past this, I have no sympathy for you what-so-ever. Continuing the streak, the quality has once again diminished a significant amount. I mean, seriously. I don’t even know how Kunoi is going to be locked up in a room all day watching Chris-Chan videos, while at the same time being in a room playing “Celebrity Apprentice” with the rest of the Boyfriends’ Club. …Oh, wait. I got it! They recorded Celebrity Apprentice BEFORE The whole “Kunoi Watches Chris Chan vids the entire day thing! Seriously, I JUST thought of that as I was typing this disclaimer! No wonder why the UCTF’s been around for almost 12 years now! I’m a FRICKIN’ genius! On to the matches…

*We’re in a darkened, damp room where the musty smell of mold fills the small, 16 x 16 space. Only large enough to fit a small television and a chair, the room looks like it should be on the set of the Fox Television show (FINALLY CANCELED! ABOUT TIME!) 24. What could the purpose of this set up be for?*

Kunoi: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT?!!?

*Yep! It’s time for our opening match up!*

Kunoi Ishigami vs. Christian Weston Chandler

*Our poor Grand Champion is shoved into the room before he’s pinned down and shackled to the wooden chair, which itself is bolted down to the floor.*

Kunoi: Is this shit necessary?!

Guard: e_e Per Sasa Dark, you are to be chained to the chair.

Kunoi: …I’m going to fucking end his life. What about THAT?!

*More guards pour in (which is a feat into itself because of the size of the room!) before attaching some sort of device to Ishigami.*

Guard: This will monitor your heart rate. The second your heart passes 150 BPM, you officially lose the match up.

Kunoi: 150!? I’m an ATHLETE! I can run miles before my heart goes that fast!

Guard: …*grin*

*No sooner Kunoi says that, the guard flips on the television, which already has one of Chris Chan’s videos playing.*

Bob: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the annual Pay Per View Extravaganza, April Fools’ Day! I am your host, Bob Hinden, alongside the Hentai Commentator, Ralph Gerrard!
Ralph: I would not like to be Kunoi Ishigami right now… but having said that, I’d rather be Kunoi than THIS unlucky son of a bitch who’s about to come out.
Bob: … You know what the next match is?
Ralph: Yeah! It’s April Fools’ Day! Up is down, Down is up! Cats and Dogs sleep together and all that stuff.

Arzie: The Following match is scheduled for one fall….

*The theme to “Jesse James is a Dead Man” kicks up, bringing down the world’s biggest douchebag!*

Arzie: Introducing first… The man who single handedly ruined the life of America’s Sweetheart… JESSEEEE JAMEEESSSS!!!

Jesse: ;_; HEY

Ralph: Wow, what a totally unbiased introduction.
Bob: is it not true?!
Ralph: What, Sandra Bullock being America’s Sweetheart? HELLS NO! She’ll be out later to take care of Barack Obama!
Bob: …Oh no…
Ralph: e_e

*To make matters worse for Jesse James, This IDIOT comes out rocking a custom built chopper straight out of his own garage! Not a way to gain sympathy from the crowd!*

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Bob: O_o Wow. Somewhere, Tiger Woods is on his knees thanking Buddha for this guy.
Ralph: Check the security cameras. Tiger Woods is literally backstage right now thanking Buddha. o_o

Bob: Oh boy… I know this look. That’s the look Janne gave me at the Child Support proceedings…
Ralph: How much ARE you shelling out per month, anyway?
Bob: I don’t want to talk about it. e_e

*In the arena, Sandra Bullock climbs into the ring, preparing to face off against her death defying husband in singles action!*

!!DING DING DING!!

Sandra Bullock vs. Jesse James

*With the sound of the bell, Sandra prepares to unleash the past few weeks of frustration out on her nazi bitch loving husband!*

Jesse: okok, I know you’re angry…
Sandra: e_e
Jesse: BUT IT WAS JUST ONE TIME, OK! I WAS WEAK! ;_; IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE!

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, I have just been informed that ANOTHER mistress has come forward!

Crowd: OOOH X_X

Jesse: o_o.. ok.. look. It was two women, but I swear to GOD that’s it!

Arzie: I have just been informed that a THIRD Jesse James Mistress has come forward!

Ralph: JESUS!!
Bob: Maybe we should be having the Jesse James Mistress battle royale later tonight instead of the Tiger Woods one…

Jesse: ok.. ok I know this looks bad—

Arzie: WE HAVE JUST BEEN INFORMED THAT JESSE WAS IN A FOURSOME ORGY WITH ANOTHER MALE, MICHELLE BOMBSHELL, AND A LADY NAMED SKITTLES VALENTINE!

*Editor’s Note: I swear to God I’m not making this shit up. That’s her actual name!*

Everyone in the BUILDING: O_O!!

Jesse: DAMMIT ARZIE SHUT THE FUCK U—

!!WHOOMP!!

*Jesse’s finally cut off by a DEVESTATING lariat from his soon to be ex-wife! The star of “Jesse James is Dead” damn near has a broken neck from landing upside down!*

Crowd: *POPS!*

Bob: THAT WAS ONE HELLACIOUS CLOTHESLINE!!

*But he’s back up, only to be popped in the face with a running boot!*

Bob: And now he’s sent into the corner! This is a long time coming!
Ralph: O_o Bob… look who’s coming down the aisle.

*A Brown Shirted UPS man sprints down the aisle, carrying a long box with him…*

Ralph: Ok, I knew UPS was awesome but to deliver a package DURING a match?!
Bob: I know…

*It’s a package for Sandra Bullock… straight from Sweden. It can only mean one thing…*

Bob: OH NO!! OH NO!

*The box opens up to reveal…*

Ralph: GOLF CLUB!!!
Bob: Obviously sent from the home of Elin Nordegren!

*Jesse James looks up to see the 9 iron in the hands of his wife! NOT good news for him!*

Jesse: OH SH–

*He ducks a wild swing from Sandra and wisely escapes the ring!*

Bob: Look at that coward!
Ralph: Coward!? GENIUS! I’d be getting the hell out of there myself!

*Jesse quickly hops on his chopper, desperately attempting to start it up. Alas, in his panicked state he manages to stall out the engine ala Hulk Hogan! Bad luck, especially for a person who has a crazed golf club wielding psycho charging him!*

Ralph: GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE MAN!

*He dives off the bike just in time for the chopper to be leveled with the golf club! He abandons his wheels and just floors it up the ramp on foot! Sandra is close behind!*

Bob: Jesse’s getting the hell out of dodge!
Ralph: Run faster idiot! She’s right behind you!

*The chase continues until they’re both on top of the ramp! The second they arrive on the stage…*

VVVVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!

BLAOWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Everyone: D:!

Bob: OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD BOTH SANDRA BULLOCK AND JESSE JAMES HAVE BEEN RUN OVER BY THE BUS!! THE HUMANITY!
Ralph: o_o Well, not THE Bus… A Bus, but… why?!

*The metro style bus’ door opens up, revealing none other than…*

Keanu Reeves: OH GOD! ;_; OH GOD I MISJUDGED!

Bob and Ralph: KEANU REEVES?!?!

Keanu: OH GOD ;_; I WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO HIT JESSE JAMES AND MAKE SOME SNARKY ONE LINER REMARK IN REFERENCE TO SPEED! OH GOD I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HIT BOTH OF THEM OH GOD! OH GOD!

Everyone: …

Keanu: wait… WAIT! I GOT IT. I’LL JUST SEND HER A NOTE! I’LL PUT A NOTE IN THE MAIL BOX AND SHE’LL GET IT IN THE PAST… WAIT NO X_X DAMMIT I WAS IN THE PAST AND SHE WAS IN THE FUTURE. DAMMIT THAT WON’T WORK! OH GOD! OH GOD!

Kunoi: e_e… I don’t think you understand Chris… Abstinence isn’t the inability to get laid, idiot.

Bob: Continuing our apparent “Men are all liars and Cheaters” motif, our next match up is Reille Hunter going against Elizabeth Edwards!
Ralph: Now I know a lot of you folks are gonna hate on my boy John and say “How could you cheat on your wife who has CANCER with some slut you met in a bar?! AND NOT EVEN USE A CONDOM!” Well you PLAYER HATERS, why won’t you, for once, see it from his side of things? He was horny!
Bob: >=|!

Arzie: The following match is scheduled for one fall!!

*Editors Note: I… I don’t know if I can type this one, guys. I mean, firstly, the vote was way too close. I mean how many sick fuckers out there in UCTF land allowed the voting to be THIS CLOSE?! And now that I’m forced to write a competitive match, I have ideas in my head that might send me on an auto trip to hell. I HATE ALL OF YOU. ‘coughs’ continuing…*

Ralph: Remind you of anything, Bob?
Bob: huh?
Ralph: *coughJANNEcough*
Bob: e_e… Anyway. Ladies and Gentlemen, we’ve been informed that we will have a special guest commentator in our booth tonight. None other than the former President of the United States of America, BILL CLINTON!

*The Camera pans backwards slightly to show William Jefferson Clinton STRAIGHT CHILLIN in the commentators booth. Both feet are on the table, and he’s got a bucket of fried chicken in his hand.*

Ralph: Dude O_o isn’t your heart like, half dead? Should you be eating that?
Bill: I’ll eat what I want Ralph, and you should address me as MR. PRESIDENT. For God’s sake, son. I was in the first main event here in the UCTF! Do you know how hard that was considering I was an active president at the time, sleeping with multiple women AND letting Osama Bin Laden go in the middle east?!
Ralph: o_o you’re right. Sorry.
Bob: I guess you’re philandering ways makes you the best candidate for this kinda match, huh?
Bill: Hey, it was 12 freaking years ago, Bob. Get over it already. e_e my wife has.

!!DING DING DING!!

Reille Hunter vs. Elizabeth Edwards

*The two women clash in the center of the ring, collapsing on the ground in a massive scale–*

*As she scrambles for her medical wig, Reille takes full advantage of the situation, laying some stiff boots into the BREAST area of her opponent!*

Bob: OH COME ON NOW! THIS IS DISGUSTING! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!

Reille: LOOK AT YOU! IT’S NO WONDER YOUR HUSBAND CAME RUNNING TO ME! WHO WOULD WANT AN OLD, SICK, BALD HEADED BITCH LIKE YOU!?!

!!KAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

DUH DUH DUH
OH BABY BABY!!
DUH DUH DUH
OH BABY BABY!!

*That was the LAST thing that should have come out of Reille Hunter’s mouth, because like CLOCKWORK, the UCTF’s resident, old, sickly, baldheaded bitch responds! Charging down the aisle with a umbrella in tow and Ten Masked Men’s “Baby One More Time” blaring is Bald Headed Britney Spears!*

Ralph: OH GOD NO!
Bob: HERE WE GO! BUSINESS HAS JUST PICKED UP!

*Umbrella to the gut by Britney, followed by the Goozle!*

Bob: I think Reille is going up!

*Britney lifts Reille into the sky single handedly!*

Bill: O_o Good Gravy! One handed!
Bob: and CHOKESLAM by Britney Spears!

Bob: And that’s it! Edwards wins the contest with the help of Britney Spears!
Ralph: Wow that was 1999 level bad.

Winner: Elizabeth Edwards (I mean seriously. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A BLOW OUT, YOU SICK DEPRAVED BASTARDS!)

Bill: Well, I have to go. Good luck with your next set of special guests in the booth!
Bob: Wha?

!!IT’S RAINING MEN!!

Bob and Ralph: FUCK! >=|!

!!HALLELUJAH IT’S RAINING MEN!! HEY HEY!!

*The commentary duo have no time to react as they’re already pounced on and given a tickle attack that would make Eric Massa blush!*

Bob: ADLSFAKDF
Ralph: GET THE HELL OFF ME!

*Bob and Ralph struggle in vain before quickly leaping off of the tower, welcoming potential broken legs over the sexual harassment of the “Men on Films” duo! Settling into their posts, the flamboyant men slip on the headsets of the former commentators…*

Blaine: HELLO UCTF FANS! I am Blaine Edwards
Antoine: and I am his Spectabulously Fabtacular “partner” Antoine Merriweather
Both: And we’re MEN ON, UCTF April Fools Day!
Antoine: What do we have on the menu right now, Blaine?
Blaine: Well, by the looks of what’s going on in the ring, it looks like a heaping plate of FISH!
Both: HATED IT!

Arzie: The following match is the over the top rope, Tiger Woods Mistress Battle Royale! The Winner will receive Tiger Woods first ever Master’s trophy in exchange for shutting her damn mouth e_e. The participants are already inside the squared circle, so let the SKANK BATTLE BEGIN!

Crowd: *POPS!*

!!DING DING DING!!

Tiger Woods Mistress Battle Royale

Blaine: Here we go!
Antoine: And you can almost hear the feline sounds emanating from the ring as these money hungry, home wrecking sluts attack each other!
Blaine: wow Antoine! Me-ow!

*Jamie Grubbs and Kalika Moquin are quickly eliminated from the match up!*

Blaine: There’s too gone already!
Antoine: Which one of these fish said that Tiger was on the DL?
Blaine: Loredana Jolie. She couldn’t make it tonight.
Antoine: Tiger probably killed that bitch for bringing that out of the closet. LOLLOL
Blaine: Still… he can give me a call if he ever wants to explore those feelings.
Antoine: me too.

*Cori Rist gets tossed out by Rachel Uchitel!*

Blaine: there goes mistress #9!
Antoine: Have fun at your old Job, Hooters, bitch! No Ebaying for you!

*But Rachel keeps her back to the ring for too long! Big mistake, as she’s quickly eliminated by Joslyn James!*

*Now only four women remain in the ring! James and Sampson pair up against Lawson and Jungers!*

Antoine: it seems the two AIDS infected porn stars have naturally joined forces against the old bitch Lawson and the halfway decent looking Jamie Jungers!
Blaine: Jamie won the Howard Stern “Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pagent” a few weeks ago, let’s see if that helps her tonight!

*The four women go at it, as the crowd in the UCTF arena goes mild!*

Antoine: every single woman in this match should be tested for syphilis after this is over…
Blaine: I second that.

*Lawson gains the upper hand, eliminating Joslyn James while Holly Sampson eliminates Jamie Jungers, bringing the match down to the final two!*

Blaine: and the bottom feeding whores have been narrowed down to two very ugly choices!
Antoine: am I a bad boy for praying a piano falls in the center of the ring at this very moment!
Blaine: Yes, but I LIKE that about you!
Antoine: HAAAAYYY!!

*The two women waste no time pounding each other in an instant slugfest! Lawson whips Sampson into the corner. She reverses, sending the brunette into the corner! Sampson charges towards Lawson, who responds by delivering a boot to the face.*

Blaine: She just took a hard one to the face!
Antoine: that’s what she said…
Blaine: Both women want it… which is why Tiger was with them in the first place…
Antoine: I see what you did there!

*Staggered in the ropes, Sampson is a sitting duck for a MASSIVE clothesline from Lawson! In fact, it’s so massive, that both women fly over the top rope and crash on the floor at the same time!*

Blaine and Antoine: WHAT?!

Everyone: e_e.

!!DING DING DING!!

Blaine: Oh, it looks like married men aren’t the only thing these bitches screwed… this match has just gone all to hell!
Antoine: Let’s see what the official decision is…

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, since both women hit the floor at the same time, the referee will award this match to BOTH Mindy Lawson and Holly Sampson!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOO!!!

Antoine: The Luger/Hart finish?
Blaine: from a much more enjoyable Rumble by the way…

*The fans, commentators, and especially participants are not happy with this decision, especially when both women are awarded the trophy at the same time. Holly and Mindy struggle with the statue.*

Mindy: THIS IS BULLSHIT!!

Ref: yeah well, go take it up with King Solomon, bitch. I’m sure he’s got a way to settle your problem. <^>

Winners: Mindy Lawson and Holly Sampson

*Elsewhere, in UCTF studios…*

Jamal: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THINGS END IN A DRAW AROUND HERE. E_E

*Back in the arena*

Blaine: Ok Antoine, you stole my sheet. What’s next??

!!BLAAAAAAOWWW!!

*Before Antoine can finish, they’re NAILED from behind with golf clubs! See what I did there?!

Bob: e_e Sorry about that folks. We’re back.
Ralph: How do they get in the building EVERY YEAR?!?!

Ralph: Alright! This is what I’ve been waiting for! That socialist Obama’s about to get his.
Bob: oh Christ…

Arzie: Introducing first, From Wasilla, Alaska… The Former Vice Presidential Candidate and HALF-TERM GOVERNOR OF ALASKA…

Ralph: OH WHAT THE HELL. DID HE HAVE TO THROW THAT IN THERE?!
Bob: Is it not true? O_o

Arzie: SARRRAAAAAHHH PAAALLLINNNNN!!

*The Former Mayor and Governor of the Alaska makes her way down the aisle to a mixed reception…*

Ralph: What the hell? Did I hear some boos sprinkled in there?! >=| All of these idiots in the arena are socialist!
Bob: ok.. seriously.. what the hell is going on?
Ralph: e_e I hear her and Todd are on the outs… If I can just keep spewing this dumb shit, maybe I could get those hot 40 year old legs wrapped around my neck, ya know what I’m saying?!
Bob: e_e I knew you had an ulterior motive.

Arzie: And her opponent… hailing from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington DC… PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA!!!

*The President’s theme song begins playing for a few moments to a mixed reception,… After a few moments of no showing, that mixed reaction turns into boos! The atmosphere becomes even WORSE when the president’s image shows up on screen from what seems to be an island paradise in the background!*

Obama: oh.. uhh.. hey there. ^_^ I know uhh.. I’m uhh supposed to be there uhh but…. I can’t right now. You see uhhh… Me, Pelosi, and uhhh… Dodd and the boys are out here celebrating the death uhh of uhh.. the capitalist way uhhhh after passing healthcare refor—uhhh—mm…

*Joe feels the sole of Sarah’s running shoe crush his face before he’s sent flying over the time keeper’s table!*

Bob: RUNNING KICK BY SARAH!

Sarah: YEAH OBIDEN E_E I’M NOT A FAT PIG LIKE RUSH LIMBAUGH! GET UP!
Joe: x_x My name is not o—

!!BAM!!

*A reverse roundhouse kick knocks Joe ONTO the apron! He scrambles back into the ring while Sarah climbs onto the apron herself.*

Sarah: YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF OBIDEN!

*She springboards into the ring, hitting a flying KICK to the face! Joe corkscrews from the impact, landing face first on the canvas! As he climbs to his knees, Sarah retreats to the corner, warming her foot up for the big Randy Orton PUNT!*

Bob: I’m thinking she’s getting ready to put the VP away!

Sarah: GOODNIGHT OBIDEN!
Joe: >=|!!!

*Sarah explodes out of the corner, only to be SPEARED by the VP!*

Crowd: OOOHHH!!

Ralph: OH NO! OBIDEN REVERSES!
Bob: …

Joe: IT’S BIDEN, BITCH!

*Joe reverses his hold, locking on Bryan Danielson’s “Cattle Mutilation!” Sarah’s not locked in the hold for more than a few seconds before…*

Ralph: D:!! HOLY CRAP!
Bob: Donna is going for the record of 1000 lbs.. and is a current model on a BBW porn site…
Ralph: a fetish for bitches THIS big!? Who the hell?!
Bob: let me check your internet history on your laptop.
Ralph: O_O N..NO!

*UCTF Ring crew members have to LIFT this bitch into the ring because she is insistent on not firing one muscle on her own! While they struggle…*

Arzie: And her opponent, hailing from Springfield, USA… He is one of the fattest men on the planet… HOMMERRRR JAAYYYY SIMPSONNNN!!!

*Homer comes down to an insane ovation from the crowd!*

Bob: Homer is an awesomely fat man, who’s almost defeated our very own Kakarott in an eating contest several years ago, but I don’t even think HE can stand up to the beast that is… almost in the ring. o_o
Ralph: Yeah. It looks like she could probably eat him for a midnight snack o_o

Homer Simpson vs. Donna Simpson

*Donna’s FINALLY placed in the ring, where she quickly collapses in the corner ala Raven! Only in her case, she’s not depressed, her legs simply cannot support her weight!*

Everyone: o_o…

Ref: e_e Ring the Bell and let’s get this shit over with.

!!DING DING DING!!

*With the match officially under way, Homer attacks his much larger opponent! He gives her some of his best punches, punches that have even put Ex President George HW Bush himself on his ass! This time however, they have ZERO effect!*

Homer: o_o uh oh

*Her MASSIVE mounds of fat absorb the hits, returning the energy back into Homer which knock him across the ring! I mean, this bitch is KINGPIN fat! She’s SO FREAKING FAT THAT–*

Torneco: o_o damn that bitch is fat.

*In Hell*

Fat Abbott: o_o damn. That white bitch is fat!

*SHE’S THAT FAT*

Bob: Homer’s attacks have no effect!
Ralph: she’s snorlax fat o_o

*Homer continues his vain attempt at an attack, being knocked backwards with each attempt! Finally, he thinks to come up with a new strategy…*

Homer: Oh Donna… ^___^
Donna; O_O!

*He pulls out a bag of skittles, an idea that was a good idea on paper!*

Donna: FOOD. E_E

*BUT NOT IN EXECUTION! DONNA STANDS UP AND SPEAERS HOMER THROUGH THE RING!*

Crowd: OOOHHH!!

Bob: UH OH! HE’S AWAKENED THE BEAST!
Ralph: RUN HOMER! O_O

Donna: FOOD E_E

*Homer manages to climb back to his feet! Swinging soup bones as fast and as hard as he can, he doesn’t manage to DENT his opponent, who smacks him through a crowd barrier outside the ring!*

Ralph: OH SHIT!!

*Homer somehow climbs back to his feet and now FLEES for safety! Donna follows behind him as they disappear into the back!*

Everyone: D:…

Ralph: Should the uhh.. cameras follow them??
Bob: Nah, I’m sure it’ll resolve itself by the end of the night.

Kunoi: THIS ISN’T GOING TO WORK SASA E_E YOU CAN’T BREAK ME. YOU HEAR ME?! YOU CAN’T BREAK ME!

*Elsewhere, in the Presidential Suite…*

Sasa: e_e alright Kunoi. I didn’t want to do this… well.. I’m a liar e_e I’ve been waiting to do this all day. Reiji. Turn on the “RECYCLING” video. >=)

Reiji: CAW. e_e

*UH OH*

Ralph: The… “Recycling” video?
Bob: I don’t want to know, Ralph.

Arzie: The Following is our EATING CONTEST!

Crowd: YAAAAYYYY!!!!

Bob: Our Gluttonous Tradition has finally arrived!
Ralph: Eating contest time! Though, I wonder.. how in the hell did we bring all three of these dead motherfuckers back to life?

*Backstage*

Lo-Ruhamah: e_e Alright, there Sasa. But now you owe me.
Sasa: well, considering that you’re responsible for that loser XAMOT being around, I’d say we’re just about even. e_e

*Back at ringside…*

Arzie: Tonight’s main course will be… VICODIN!!

*Clothes covering the serving tables show MOUNDS of Vicodin pills!*

Bob: classy…
Ralph: holy crap, who stole the prescription book?!
Bob: I don’t know, but here comes Brittany Murphy.
Ralph: =( She was my favorite in Clueless…
Bob: and now out comes Corey Haim!
Ralph: and he was my favorite in Lost Boys ;_;
Bob: And finally, Heath Ledger making his way down…
Ralph: 10 Things I Hate About you is like the awesomest movie of all time!
Bob: o_o… and they call me gay…

Pill Eating Contest
Corey Haim vs. Brittany Murphy vs. Heath Ledger

Arzie: The rules are simple. The competitor who consumes the most amount of Vicodin in three minutes will be declared the winner! LET’S GET IT ON!

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: The match has begun, and these dope heads are predictably going to work!
Ralph: You know, these contests make me miss Kakarott. =(
Bob: I’m sure he’ll be revived a few more times before next year. Maybe if he’s not between lives he’ll be able to participate in a contest.

*I’ll say it again… This idea was very good, ON PAPER. Execution? Not so much! It only takes a few seconds and a few hundred pills before all three of our participants are COMPLETELY out of it! *

Everyone: …

Ralph: LMFAO
Bob: this fed is going to hell in a hand basket o_o

!!CRASH!!

Everyone: *TURNS TO THE ENTRANCE* O_O

*The debacle of a match is quickly interrupted by HOMER SIMPSON being knocked through the Jumbotron!*

Bob: HOLY HELL HOMER’S JUST BEEN PUT THROUGH OUR SCREEN!
Ralph: o_o Hmm. You were right Bobby. This is going to be resolved.

Homer: OH GOD SOMEBODY HELP ME
Donna: e_e COME HERE.

*It’s Donna Simpson! The pursuer of the title “World’s Largest Woman!” In her hands she has a giant turkey leg that she stole from the catering table backstage! Homer crawls his way into the ring with the enraged fatty close behind!*

Bob: GET HER OUTTA THERE REF WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A MATCH!
Ralph: Oh sweet! A match within a match! haven’t had one of these in years!

Homer Simpson vs. Donna Simpson

*Donna charges into Homer who hits a drop toe hold! The giant falls into one of the serving tables and her face falls right into the mountain of Vicodin Pills!*

Her: X_X

Everyone: ….

Her: MMM.. E_E TASTY!

Everyone: D:!!!

Guy in the Crowd: THAT’S A HUGE BITCH O_O

*Donna knocks Homer out of the way and goes INSANE on the stash! Heath, Corey, and Brittany, in their drugged out rage attack Donna at once! NOT A GOOD IDEA!*

Donna: >=|! GET OUT OF THE WAY!

*She kicks Heath away while grabbing the other two participants by their skulls! She pops her jaw out of place and SWALLOWS BOTH OF THEM WHOLE*

Everyone: O_O!!

*And that’s when everyone in the arena realizes this is not the best situation to be in! Fans begin to leave their seats and leap over each other in attempt to escape the arena!*

Homer: HEATH GET UP! WE HAVE TO STUFF AS MANY OF THESE PILLS INTO HER MOUTH AS POSSIBLE!
Heath: but… my Stash! ;_;
Homer: DO IT!

*Homer and Heath grab the table and chuck the entire thing into her mouth*

Homer: EAT THIS!!

Ralph: They’re trying to overload her!
Bob: It looks like it’s working, and it only took 10,000 pills to do it!

*Donna is staggered!*

Heath: Hey, Donna! Let me show you a trick. e_e

*Ledger pulls out a PENCIL*

Bob: OH NO! OH GOD NO!!

*He drives the pencil into the table.*

Bob: HE’S GOING TO DO IT!

*He turns to Donna Simpson!!*

Bob: HE’S REALLY GOING TO DO IT!

*HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I DRAW THIS OUT*

Bob: HE’S GOT HER!

*Heath SLAMS her face first into the pencil!*

Crowd: *PUKES ALL OVER THE PLACE!*

*Homer covers!*

Ref: 1……. 2……… 3!!!

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: Homer wins! Give the assist to Heath Ledger!
Ralph: x_x what the hell is going on in this place?

Winner: Homer Simpson

Arzie: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR WINNER, HOMER SIMPSON!!

Crowd: *POPS*

Arzie: As well as the eating contest timer expiring, giving the victory to Heath Ledger!

Crowd: *POPS AGAIN!*

Winner: Heath Ledger

Bob: Well, that was… interesting.
Ralph: for sure. o_o and hey, Heath’s back to life, thanks to Lo-Ruhamah. Maybe we can finally get a sequel to the dark kn.. oh wait. e_e he’s ODing on The Vicodin… yeah.. he’s dead.
Bob: HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY HEATH!

*Meanwhile… in the Kunio Ichigam torture chamber…*

Sasa: e_e Kunoi. It’s Me, Sasa. Look. Just give up.

Kunoi: SCREW YOU SASA. NOTHING YOU CAN SHOW ME WILL EVER… EVER MAKE ME GIVE UP E_E.

*From the undisclosed location… well, the place that USED to be there, Kunoi slowly walks out into the night. He’s completely surrounded in ki, and he’s so damn angry, he’s CALM.*

Kunoi: Sasa e_e You have made a mistake.

*Kunoi charges towards The UCTF complex in a straight line… THROUGH businesses! Dan’s old dojo? GONE. Barf Burger?! GONE! Bryan Amethyst is a Giant Tool Memorial? Well, that manages to stay there without any harm. o_o*

Kuno: YOU’RE GONNA DIE SASA! YOU’RE GONNA DI—OOMMMPHHHH!

*The Grand Champion runs right into Vegeta. Yes. THAT Vegeta, who happens to be destroying part of the city himself!*