Horrific: Student Uses Lush Bath Bomb in Kings Court Bathtub

Once again, Kings Court residents received a grim reminder that evil is alive and well in this world.

At around 9:30 p.m. last Thursday, Wharton freshman Philip Saunders used a perfectly good “Golden Wonder” bath bomb from Lush in a grimy Kings Court bathtub.

At first, students living on the floor were enchanted by the delicate orange and lime fragrances emanating from the otherwise rank bathroom. But upon investigation, they were greeted with the horrifying image of Saunders flipping and frolicking in the citrus-scented, pubic-hair-encrusted bathtub, Mo Bamba blasting from a tiny bluetooth speaker.

“Hey! It’s none of your guys’ business what I do in here,” Saunders protested amidst screams of terror.

“How could he enjoy taking a Lush bath bomb — something so luscious, so luxurious — and defiling it in a tub caked with the filth of freshmen?” Saunders’ roommate Robert Moreno (C ‘22) cried. “Sure, I knew he was a weird guy. But now I’m convinced he’s a complete psycho.”

Following the incident, a search was conducted in Saunders’ room where authorities found and seized three “Cherry Christmas” bombs, four “Butterbears,” and one lone “Guardian of the Forest.”

“I glad we stopped this mad man before he wasted another one of these precious gems,” the floor RA proclaimed. “Now we can get these bath bombs to where they really belong — a Domus bathtub.”

For his crimes against humanity, the University has put Saunders on academic probation until further notice.