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Zzzz…

I cannot explain to you the rage I have when you’re dead tired and trying to sleep and people are blasting their music at 1am when you have to go to work the next morning.

I use the word “music” lightly. It was more like some drum and bass SHIT! As if an epileptic had fallen into a pool full of strobe lights and instruments… or some sort of early New year celebrations in a village in rural Congo… the type of music they play to keep frisky gorillas at bay…

Either way it was making me ears bleed and fucking me off!

*looks at watch*

*flips over*

*jams pillow over face*

*cant breath*

*removes aforementioned pillow and imagines all the wicked smotherings I could do with it… or yes, yes, boiling oil…. That’s what that DJ deserves… boiling. Fucking. Oil. All. Over. His. Dick.*

*flips over*

*looks at Dalekins*

Me: “Are they fucking kidding me!!!!! Please fix it Dalekins, call the cops… or the SWAT team…. or the Broedersbond… or the Freedom Front…. Cant… take … it… need… sleeeeeep!”

Dalekins: “Don’t worry Tash… I’ve got this!”

*switches on his iPad*

*squints*

*eyes get raped by shards of light*

Me: *covers eyes* Sweet baby Jesus man what the fuck are you doing!?”

Dalekins: “I’m going to sort us I told you!”

Me: “By doing what!! Making the room brighter than the fucking sun?? It’s 2am… now I have shit fucking music and it’s bright as fuck in here!”

*Dalekins glares at me, gets out of bed and stomps off to the bathroom with his iPad*

Me: “Oh great, I’m in a crisis here, and your idea of fixing this is to go do a number two while reading War and Peace on the loo!”

*flips over and over as if I’m being exorcised*

*Dalekins comes stomping back into the room slams his iPad down and gets back into bed*

Swish… Swishh… swishhhhh

*sits up*

Me: “what is THAT noise now?”

Dalekins: “It’s the ocean!”

Me: “sorry?”

Dalekins: “It’s the oceannnnnnnn… it’s white noise I downloaded it to try drown out the Zulu warriors having their circumcision party next door!”

Me: *blink blink* Dale… that does not sound like the effing ocean… it sounds like a running toilet!!! And when did you become such a racist!! Downloading WHITE noise to drown out Zulu warriors! Wow Dale, just… wow.”

Dalekins: “What. The. Fuck… I am NOT a racist, have you lost your mind!? It’s just CALLED white noise because… ”

Me: “ Just, just… urrrrgh, let’s try get some sleep!”

Dalekins: “Fine!!”

10 minutes later…

Me: “Dalekins *whisper* Your ocean is making me want to pee.”

…Upon hindsight I should be grateful he didn’t download “Whales mating in the Antarctic”.