Sleep calmly tonight, Texas. You are safe from the terrors of the night because Jackie and Bubba Stock have captured the mythical Chubacabra and are prepared to shock the world with its button like eyes and timid demeanor. From The Independent:

The somewhat unlikely tale began when Jackie Stock and her husband Bubba discovered a growling, hairless animal in their back garden.

Bubba captured the wrinkly beast and locked it in a cage to allow friends and neighbours to take a look at the animal – although the couple insist they are feeding it and giving it water.

“We were just trying to figure out what it is because we’ve never seen anything like it before,” Jackie told WMUR.

“He [Bubba] called me to come and look, and I said ‘Bubba that looks like a baby chupacabra’.”

Neighbour Arlen Parma is convinced the animal is a chupacabra. “I hunted racoons for 20 years with dogs and I ain’t ever seen anything that looks like that right there,” Parma said.

Well, you can’t really argue with 20 years of hunting experience. But honestly, the thing doesn’t look too ferocious to me. It certainly doesn’t look anything like the alleged chupacabra that was killed in Texas back in February or the mythical beast sketched below. In fact, it looks like a helpless little guy that needs a friend or a vet.

So maybe don’t sleep so soundly, Texas. Because even if there is a chupacabra in captivity, there’s still a bunch of people who believe in chupacabras living next door and they probably own guns. Or maybe the real chupacabra is going to see this news and get really pissed. Hopefully it pays Bubba a visit.

There is no way they actually showed that biologist the video before getting him to throw “canine” out as an explanation. That thing is 1000% a raccoon. Who the fuck has ever seen a member of the dog family use its paws like hands?

If you’d never seen a photo of one and were asked to draw a kangaroo it would look a little like this. Which means Roo has escaped the Hundred Acre Wood and the Stocks should let him out before Tigger shows up and does the Bounce of Blood.