Confessions of a Mama Changed...Again

“Finn didn't have the easiest start to life. Four years after my first c-section, I found out I was pregnant again. We were overjoyed! A short time later, however, we found out that we were in the midst of losing a twin, and I started bleeding heavily. For almost 15 weeks I bled, sometimes so heavily I was sure that this baby was gone, too. I was on bedrest for those 15 weeks, and spent it googling, worrying and crying.

When I first found out I was pregnant, my mind flashed to the last labor, and the pain, and my immediate thought was to schedule a c-section. I didn’t want to go through that again. I thought it was NORMAL! About halfway through, I changed my mind, and decided I wanted to attempt a VBAC.

At 22 weeks, I had my diagnostic ultrasound. They found several soft markers for trisomy. The doctor only told me, "Don't worry, see you next month," Well, I did worry. I spent the last half of my pregnancy googling and crying.

At 37 weeks and 5 days, I was awakened in the night with contractions and they continued through to the morning, and only increased. They were about 5 minutes apart, and I did what they told me: I went to the hospital. I was only 1 cm, so they did an ultrasound and told me the baby was VERY big and I would most likely go through the labor only to have to have a c-section again.

My mind flashed back to that earlier birth. It scared me. How could I go through all of that again?! The doctors sent me home to drink a glass of wine and try to relax.. But after an hour or two, the contractions were 2 minutes apart and long! I thought the baby would be there soon. We went back to the hospital, only to find out I was only 2 cm. Again, they told me he was probably too big and I made the decision for another section.

It took forever for them to prepare me. I was anxious, waiting for my husband to join me. He finally came in shortly after the surgery started. I remember I was having a reaction to the medication and shaking uncontrollably. There was much chatter in the room, because everyone was missing the big soccer game, Berlin against Munich, and they talked about the game.

Finn came into the world at 4:05pm, on October 14th, 2006. Even though he was healthy, I only saw him for a brief moment before he was whisked away. At least my husband was with him. Oh and my TOO BIG baby only weighed 5lbs, 11oz! The next time I saw my baby was more than an hour later.

He was bathed and dressed. I never saw my baby naked until the day we left the hospital, as the nurses kept coming and taking him away to change him. When he came back he always smelled like sugar water. He was also taken every hour, for the first 24 hours for 20 minutes at a time, to check his blood sugar, because he was apparently less than an ounce too small.

Once I was having trouble trying to nurse him and I called the nurse to help me get him latched. She came in, said, "Just a minute," and came back with a formula bottle. She then took Finn from me and stuck the bottle in his mouth before I could say a word! I was shocked. I asked why, and she said, "Some babies need it." When she was done, he threw it all up. My midwife came in and yelled at them. When he was 2 days old he came down with an infection in his eye. It turned out to be E. coli.

I brought him home when he was 3 days old and he spent the first months crying and crying. My midwife told me it is a reaction to cesarean births so that is when I started to research just what I had done to my baby. It broke my heart and sent me into a deep depression, but it began to change my thinking about birth and somewhere in my soul I am thankful for that change.”