For GUGINO05, datebook ; ABC show "KAREN SISCO" "Blown Away" episode - Carla Gugino, pictured, ("Spy Kids") stars as a smart, tenacious United States Marshal on Miami's Gold Coast, in "Karen Sisco," a new action drama premiering WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1 (10:00-11:00 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network. In the premiere episode, "Blown Away," an effort to apprehend a fugitive goes wrong, almost putting a bullet through Karen�s heart and leaving one man dead. But she�s having trouble remembering what happened so she can write a report to satisfy Internal Affairs. Meanwhile, Karen's in for heartache of a different kind when she learns that the good-natured charter fisherman she�s dating (guest star Patrick Dempsey, "Once And Again," "Sweet Home Alabama") may actually be a bank robber, at least according to the FBI agents on his trail. Gary Cole ("The Brady Bunch Movie," "The West Wing") also guest stars as Konner. (ABC / GLEN WATSON)
CARLA GUGINO ; 8/27/03 in MIAMI. Glen Watson / ABC Network less

For GUGINO05, datebook ; ABC show "KAREN SISCO" "Blown Away" episode - Carla Gugino, pictured, ("Spy Kids") stars as a smart, tenacious United States Marshal on Miami's Gold Coast, in "Karen Sisco," a new ... more

Photo: Glen Watson

Translating the strange language of TV big shots

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Curious readers, and we have a superb assemblage of them out there, recently asked if there were hidden meanings in network scheduling moves, if their sometimes odd decisions could be read like tea leaves.

The answer? Are you kidding? It's like a Morse-code festival in Hollywood. That's not smog down there, people; those are ominous smoke signals from a network in Burbank to a producer's bungalow in Silverlake, back across to a star's agency in Beverly Hills.

Every move, every decision, every carefully crafted statement from entertainment presidents -- it all sends a message. It all has a story to tell.

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Let's put the messages under our special BS Bulb and look at the invisible ink in some dubious instances.

Situation: Fall schedule making. It's May, at the so-called advertiser "upfronts" in New York, where Madison Avenue gets the first glimpse of the fall season, often mere hours after the networks have firmed up their "final" schedule.

"Becker," a mediocre space holder for years on the CBS lineup and all but left for dead, suddenly returns in a starter role, while "The Stones," the series meant to be in that slot, is held at the last second for midseason.

What it means: That somebody had to say a lot of sorrys to the "Becker" people. This series was off the fall schedule, then halfheartedly picked up for nine midseason episodes, then thrust back onto the fall schedule. Favors are now banked -- believe it.

More important, it says to "The Stones" -- we were wrong. You're too weak to kick off fall. Those 13 episodes we promised? It's now nine. And stop crying. There's no crying in TV.

Situation: "The Stones" finally gets its shot in March.

What it means: That's better than April. Because even though TV's "midseason" is a nebulous launch period, predicated on the failures of the fall, when you debut says a lot about your future.

For example, shows airing in January, the earliest part of "midseason," are generally reality shows meant to spike ratings and make money. If they tank, no harm. If you're a scripted series and you get a January launch, it's rare indeed and the network expects big things -- probably impossible-to- achieve things -- from you.

February is a sweeps month -- no continuing series start in sweeps, unless the network is desperate or foolish.

March is the preferred spot. Other series are bailing into reruns. New series get nearly two months with limited competition to make an impact before May sweeps. On the other hand, if you launch in April, the network is saying this: "We just cut your order with our losses, and it'll be a cold day in hell or a hot, hot night in the summer, when no one's watching, before you see the last five shows you made."

Would they really say that? Not out loud. This is a kid-glove crime business. In public, it's all smiles.

Situation: You are a fall show, struggling but not failing, and then in February you are pulled off the schedule for double runs of "Friends" or something. The network says your show will return in March.

What it means: The network is lying. You just better hope it's not lying about the March part. When you're yanked off the schedule for sweeps, any sweeps period, that's a vote of no confidence. That's your death certificate sitting on the Grim Reaper's desk, unsigned. Your show is bleeding viewers, hurting other shows around it. Not participating in sweeps is an odd kind of luck. It's like hearing the first sniper bullet whiz past your ear. At least you know what's coming next.

Situation: You are a highly touted fall series -- in this case, "Miss Match" on NBC -- going up against another highly touted series ("Joan of Arcadia" on CBS), in the same time slot, on the same night. A few weeks later, the network moves you ("Miss Match") to a later time slot.

What it means: That's some murky tea right there. On the one hand, you survived, even though the network blinked. On the other hand, the network blinked. But you still have potential, and that's why they're sticking it out. But potential is not limitless, nor is patience. Keep your head on a swivel and start making better episodes.

Situation: Critics love your show. The viewers don't share the same love, or at least don't watch. The network says it will "retool" you and "relaunch" you in March. The series in question here is "Karen Sisco" on ABC.

What it means: Any number of things, none of them good. There may not be enough "T," nor "A," or if there is, it's not moving in the right direction. Chances are, more humor will be added. The show will be less "confusing" -- made dumber. Some characters may get dropped, others given a personality makeover. You get a new night (Sunday, which is a blessing), but you might not like the new you.

Situation: The network puts your show on Saturday night.

What it means: The network hates you. Short of that, you've given it something entirely unspectacular, but it might work just fine on the worst night of the schedule. If it does, you're a millionaire, so stop whining.

Situation: The network does not pull your show off the air but asks you to change the title ("Dragnet" to "LA Dragnet") or change focus and personnel ("Boomtown").

What it means: It's over -- all that's left is the details. Start a resume.

Situation: The critics hate your show, nobody's watching it, but lo and behold, you get the coveted "back nine" -- the final nine episodes that turn 13 episodes into a full season. This happened to the WB's "One Tree Hill." The network cited growth "creatively and in key demos" as a reason to keep it.

What it means: The network has nothing on its midseason bench, for one thing. Also, someone at the top likes you. At a bigger network, you'd be dead.

Situation: A network says your show has grown "creatively and in key demos."

What it means: Demos are for losers. Growing creatively means the network just held your hand, petted your head and gave you an ice cream cone. It's desperate parenting and bad programming, a lethal combination that the Nielsens will root out soon enough.

It goes on and on, of course. And there will be more verbal gymnastics to shine a light on in the future. In the meantime, whenever a network makes a move, look at the details twice, the tea leaves once, keep an eyebrow raised and keep your ears open to possibilities of what is really being said.

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