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Saturday, 11 January 2014

A new licence test for teachers? What about a televised one for politicians?

Labour have announced that when they find a leader
charismatic enough to win an election, sometime near 2050, they will introduce
a licence system for teachers. Tristram Hunt (careful) is planning for teachers
to be reviewed by a Royal College of Teaching to ensure that they are still all
bright-eyed and enthusiastic, despite having been kicked around in the dust
and left for dead by the Tories.

Seems fair, I guess, if you think that it will make any kind
of difference, which is unlikely. What I was more struck by when reading
the news was the idea that politicians, not teachers, should be put through
regular licence renewals, mostly because it would make good television.

Part 1: Fitness. No one likes watching hugely overweight
political figures squeezing their bloated bodies into the back seat of chauffeured
cars. Let’s get them running. Over an assault course. With a shark pool
underneath. Fail to complete in the time? Enjoy working in Burger King.

Part 2: The lie test. Bring in some of that fancy FBI
equipment, rig them up, add some kind of electric shock penalty to boost
ratings, then ask simple questions like ‘do you actually give a toss about the
general public or are you just on some mad power trip?’ Bzzzt.

Part 3: Personality. Send them to the pub for a few beers.
The task is simple. Have a chat, buy a few drinks, try not to upset anyone by
being condescending or patronising. Easy? I doubt it. Imagine the great
television as Cameron and Gove attempt being all chummy and cool before
upsetting everyone and ending the night cowering beneath a table, hiding from a
barrage of bottles and cold chips.

The Politicians’ Annual Licence Review Show. I think the
title still needs some work.