Where in the world did the last three months go? I know that’s what you’re thinking, right? Because one day I’m pregnant, bloated, and really embarrassed that I have to ask someone else to tie my shoes for me, and then BOOM, I’m a mother of two beautiful girls, one who just started kindergarten and the other who burps and farts like an old man sipping scotch in a leather recliner as he watches reruns of Matlock.

Let’s start there, Marlo. Because all the rest of it is wonderfully boring: you sleep, you eat, and you smile. I had no idea babies could do these things without being bribed. I had geared myself up for an epic battle, because you never know with infants. It’s a total risk, a game of roulette, and I can’t even believe it’s legal in Utah to procreate because it is the ultimate gamble. Seriously! You can’t buy wine at the grocery store, but you can have sex, get pregnant, and potentially release a homicidal maniac into the world? Are you kidding me? UTAH IS SO CONFUSING.

Sometimes babies come out screaming and never stop, sometimes they are angry that you did this to them, gave them life and now? Now they have no choice but to live it, AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT. Turns out those are the ones who can read at a third grade level when they are only five years old. I guess that’s what they call a trade-off.

You came out and were all, hey. What’s up. Yeah? Really? Because I was just going to lie down over here and look cute. And then sleep. And then maybe sleep some more. And when it’s time to eat, I will. And then I will smile. And I will make you want to have more babies.

You are what I call The Ruse. And I am not falling for it, not one bit. No way. I’m guessing your kind is evolution’s way of sustaining our species. Because you and your irresistible cuteness and mood could fool a woman into having lots and lots of babies. BUT I AM NO FOOL. You know why? Because I have already lived through the third year of someone’s life, and I know yours is coming. And when it hits, when you throw your body across the floor in a fit of rage, I’ll be all SEE! I KNEW IT! Behind all those smiles and adorable dimples lies an evil three-year-old!

Where was I? Oh right. Burping and farting. Why would I be talking about anything else? Yours are so adult. So mature in tone and vibration. We never know if it’s you or your father or me, and let’s be honest, you always get the blame no matter whose it was. Total side benefit to having an infant around that we didn’t even know about! We can fart all we want and never have to take credit! We just point to you and go, dude, that baby! WHOA! WHO KNEW?

Thank you for that. Thank you for turning our house into a freshman dorm room shared by two boys who secretly use acne cream.

Leta, it’s true. You’re reading at a level that no one is quite prepared to deal with. And your writing is quickly catching up. In fact, the other day you drew a picture of Marlo and underneath it wrote, “I love my sister. She is beautifl.” DUDE! YOU ALMOST SPELLED BEAUTIFUL CORRECTLY! I almost had a heart attack, and was all WHERE DID YOU LEARN HOW TO DO THAT? And you got this goofy look on your face, started to shrug your shoulders and said, “It’s just a word, Mom.”

EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND. That is not just a word, young lady. That right there is brilliance, and I called everyone in the family to brag about it. That is my right as a mother. Period. I couldn’t keep it to myself, and you should have heard me when I called Grandmommy, I was all BEAUTIFUL. THE KID CAN ALMOST SPELL BEAUTIFUL. And she was all, have you gotten out of the house lately?

This summer was a total blur, lots of play dates and swimming with friends while I sat in bed watching HGTV and breastfeeding Marlo. Let me rephrase that. Lots of HGTV. So much, in fact, that I think I have seen every episode of every series on that channel, and I’m confident that I could go into any house right now and stage it so that it would be sold within hours. I could be reading literature and studying philosophy, yes, that would make me a better person, but that’s just not as satisfying as watching someone take a sledgehammer to a cracked and unstable walkway only to replace it with DELICIOUS BLUE LIMESTONE. OHHHHHHHH. Sometimes when I’m watching a kitchen remodel I feel like a dog being scratched on its belly, and my leg is involuntarily flailing up and down. OH, CARRARA MARBLE COUNTERTOPS!

Anyway, here we are a family of four headed into fall for the first time together. I’m mostly excited about the darling footed pajamas ahead for you, Marlo, and Leta, the next few months of school are going to blow your mind, I just know it. Already the teacher showed you how to pump your legs on the swing, and when you got home you were all, not only can I read, BUT I CAN SWING. BY MYSELF. CALL GRANDMOMMY NOW.

I want those conversations to continue throughout your time in school, I want to hear everything even though I know there will come a point when that will be the last thing you want to do, tell your MOTHER about your DAY, and in the meantime I will continue to cherish the way you run to me at the end of the school day, wrap your arms around my leg or my arm or my neck depending on how fast I can kneel down, and say immediately, hopefully, longingly, “Is the baby here, too?!”

Related:

This is when I love you best. Very lovely writing on a very lovely subject.

Jax

UM, just wanted to mention the comment above about Marlo not having her own letters is meant to be a joke. I just read that hideous comment #221 and thought yep, that one’s on the fast train to the hate page. And then I thought, oh no, what if Heather doesn’t realize I am joking and I end up on the hate page? Nightmares!

http://christelpistol.wordpress.com/ christelpistol

along with the other readers, i missed the newsletters too. so glad to have them back. and congratulations again on your amazing children.

(p.s. my captcha is “really bhutto”. i don’t know if the captcha is coming on to me or not.)

Aw, so sweet. Beautiful is a hard word to spell, yo. Leta should be proud!

Katherine

a-DORABLE.

http://asomewhattallgirl.com robinv

well done as always. Sweet-sweet-sweet!

http://www.thedocdidnttellme.blogspot.com Jay

Awesome!

http://3charmedones.blogspot.com Jacqueline

That’s super cute! Love the pictures! ) And, I think it’s awesome that she can almost spell beautiful, that’s definitely something to be proud about.

Hater Hater Hating Haters

I can’t believe you write letters to your child using the word “vagina”!!!111 Your children will need therapy. You are horrible!!111 All those CApS!!!111 Obnoxious, pretentious, get a job, blah blah hater blah!

J/K

I LOVE your writing and especially LOVE the letters to the children. They will LOVE to read them when they get older. They will LOVE that Mommy and Daddy were GENIU$ enough to make a living out of a bad situation. You made lemonade, lemon sponge, lemon squares, and lemon popsicles out of LEMONS. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

tiffne

i just have to tell you that i LOVE the Monetizing the Hate site!!! your responses to the haters are priceless. lovesit! xoxo

http://whoa-mumma.blogspot.com Alex

I know, they irritate the hell outa me when I’m trying to keep the floor and couch clean (priorities I know!) and occasionally I take a second and remember how amazing these little guys are…to my kids (all four of you) I love you…

http://www.SixSuitcaseTravel.com Theresa

So glad you’re enjoying motherhood, what a sweet post.

http://www.lolabboutique.blogspot.com kasey

are you telling me that you still can not buy wine at the grocery store/?
oh sheesh…shoot me.I got in big trouble for leaving my kids outside a trader joe’s so i could go in and get some wine.yup.
big trouble.
anyways…i don’t stop by often…but your girls are beautiful.
xo

http://www.itsjennytime.blogspot.com Jennifer

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? You just make me so happy Al Gore invented the Internet. Love you and your blog and your family!

http://barbraotten.blogspot.com Barbra Otten

Your photographs are incredible. Found your blog on a list about the 50 Best Mom blogs, I will definitely put it on my favorites list.

Lynne

Oh, Dooce, I have missed the newsletters! Thanks so much….just fabulous. I am so happy to know how well Leta is doing and how much she loves her sister.

How could anyone write such horrible things about you? Don’t get it. You guys rock….what an awesome family.

http://www.sheyfeymind.com SheyFey

Love this newsletter. I was wondering if you would ever get back to writing these.

No way there is anyone that can HATE your awesome writing when you wax poetic about your thrill of motherhood!

(And being home with a 5 week old – I love watching HGTV and Food network – Color Splash is my favorite. Love how a decorating show has to show the main guy shirtless whenever possible haha).

Laurie

Your post is so beautiful, it makes me regret not having had children.

http://cookeatfret.com claudia (cookeatFRET)

i love you – but in the totally non creepy way. i do. i am a total fan. and i’m not even a mommy, i’ve only done the step kid thing. and i’m 48 – not hip and young.

but you? you are awesomeness incarnate. i am totally your audience – a dedicated and loyal follower of dooce.

http://firefliesandhummingbirds.blogspot.com Chrissy

This is beautiful. BEAUTIFUL.

I hope that Marlo surprises you and is the perfect baby/toddler/kid/tween/teen. I think you might just deserve it!

Anonymous

Beautiful girls…
I’m so sorry about all that hate mail you get. I never realized people could be so cruel. I don’t know how you handle it. Last week I had my first yearly review at work and my boss gave me the anonymous peer comments that they collect for that. Most were good, but one person wrote that I needed to be more flexible and was oppositional to working late, and I went home and cried to my husband all afternoon. I could never handle that kind of feedback every day.

JanaLea

What an amazingly beautiful post Heather.

Sage

Thanks Heather (& John) for sharing your life with us.

AprilMay

Oh, I am so jealous of Leta’s teacher! I would love to have such a smart little firecracker in my class! Your girls are both just gorgeous.

http://www.booshay.blogspot.com Miz Booshay

Dear Heather,
I know it sounds trite, but I am so happy that you have found your way to joy.

Your writing in delightful to read.

Love Miz Boo

http://www.kelisa-says.com Kelsey

So glad things are going much better this time around.

It’s such a special time in their lives. Cherish it. Especially the farts – cherish those the most. And then tell future boyfriends who come to the house.

http://www.employed-online.com Joseph

Very nice. Great to hear.

Anonymous

who are you kidding woman? you cannot possibly be a fit mother when you let caterpillars crawl RIGHT ON YOUR DAUGHTER’S EYES like that! even the little one sees them and she’s TERRIFI…what? oh.

never mind.

Nina

So, not only Leta has green eyes but they are also framed by the most gorgeous eyelashes??!!! Lucky girl! Not only is she a genius but also is very pretty!

P.S. Could you please delete #221. Just for my sanity.

Vanessa

Your whimsical descriptions of motherhood make me miss my own dearly.

Anonymous

You will love the song, Cartwheels and Somersaults by Justin Roberts. I thought of your family when I heard it on the radio today.

Krystl

My heart snapped right in two when I read about Leta’s little “I love my sister.” I don’t have any children, but I’m so looking forward to coming across something like that and wondering how I’ll survive the unbearable tenderness.

Also, as a career writer/editor and insufferable smartypants, I cannot even describe how mind-blowing and impressive it is to almost spell BEAUTIFUL at five. Five! And it was only the U at the end! The E-A-U was perfect! Unbelievable. Grammar nerd here is geeking out.

Thank you so much for sharing these things.

mj

Beautifl Pics:} Enjoy it now, b/c in ten years, they’ll probably start fighting over shoes! Hope they have different sizes..

BTW, I have been enjoying(?) your hate mail. I don’t get out much (twins) and guess I had forgotten how many mean-spirited crazies were out there. I’m now afraid to leave my house.

Cate

Beautiful!! My boys are only 22 months apart so my first born didn’t really appreciate his younger brother AT ALL! I used to think people were nuts to have kids so far apart in age but I can see the attraction now.
You have a beautiful family and the love you feel for those girls just leapt off the page and smacked me in the face. Thank you for that

http://familytraylor.blogspot.com Alexandra

More tears. Thanks. I’ve so enjoyed reading about the transition your family has made because I was gearing up for one of the same. Only with boys, and my first is only two. But a few days ago we welcomed his brother and all my hopes and dreams came true. He adores the new baby is constantly asking about him and wanting to hold him and kiss him. Reading your newsletter has greater meaning to me now, and I look forward to reading more, so that I can have more hopes and dreams to look forward too as my boys grow up together. Thank you.

Jennifer

Man, stop making me cry. And wanting another baby. I’ve already got 3 kids. All girls. Including twins. And I don’t think I could do it again. But you make me strongly reconsider it!

Tarynn

I read your newsletter last night before bed and had a dream about you. We were riding in the back of a VW vanagon and deceided to rent a beach house together. And then we became BFFs and I had an open invitation to Utah. And I say I’m not a stalker…

It must be very strange to have so many people want to be your friend. But beautiful, too. You touch so many people with your honesty and humor and stories: did you ever think that you would be such an accurate representation of so many mothers? Sometimes it seems like you are writing about my family, exactly.

Anyway, I had an angel for my first child, and a whirling dervish of activity the second time around. What surprised me the most was how different they were–two people who pulled completely different DNA from the same gene pool. It baffles me daily; it was the strangest and most wonderful gift of motherhood: I gave birth to these two wonderful, sweet, amazing boys who are completely unique and different. Luckily for me, my 12 year old stayed sweet, but I’m sure that I am in for it in the next few years.

I am very happy that you are experiencing such wonder and joy. Your words have brought many moments of laughter, joy, but mostly the knowledge that someone out there understands how extremely difficult this job can be, and that we are all doing the best we can. You deserve all the blessing you are receiving, and your beautiful family is lucky to have you.

And OMG can you believe you were on OPRAH?? I was so proud of You!!

Best Wishes Heather,
T

http://www.fosterhood.tumblr.com Fosterhood

Buffalo vaginas.
Reblogged.

http://whoa-mumma.blogspot.com Alex

Sitting here looking into the eyes of my 6 week old fourth child who has a big fat dimple in her cheek. The kind that makes you wanna have more babies. So I am definately trying to keep my legs crossed.

Cris

Ah, yes, we can all see it. The body language from the eyes and the hand, that extended index finger, so apparently casual, tells it all. She’s just waiting, plotting for the moment she has enough muscle strength and motor coordination to grab the hanging thingy and be righteous evil on it.

And that’s when the older one comes in, whispering in her ear, “Say Coco did it”. And then they’ll both bat their eyelashes at you.

You’re doomed. But it’s a beautifl ride

http://www.yourenotsobig.blogspot.com Tamara

Oh. My. God.

Heather, you just broke my heart into a million little pieces. I have tears welling up in my eyes right now; and I don’t know if it’s the wine I’ve been sipping for over an hour now, or just me getting older, but I just wish I knew how to put into words the way I feel about my son the way you put into words the way you feel about your girls.

I love you for doing what most of us will never (hard though we may try) be able to…say it straight, say it honest, and say it oh, so full of heart.

And, BTW, my first (and only) son was of the screaming-why-did-you-do-this-to-me? order. VERY effective birth control.

I might get a puppy in the spring.

Anonymous

Completely beautiful. I’ve missed your blog. If you ever want to quit writing, you could totally make and offer babies for large sums of money. Yes, they are that cute. And clearly the gifted gene would be a bonus. Maybe this would be the end of the economic downturn!

Kelley

Oh HGTV, how I love wasting away my summers watching you. I don’t have the excuse of breast-feeding an infant though, which is far more noble than just being a lazy college student.

Also, the thing I miss most about living at home is being able to tell my mom all about my day. So you never know.

Melissa

Well I must say…Heather, all previous haters were wrong…you don’t love Marlo the most…OBVIOUSLY you love Leta the most, she got a letter every single month…LOL

Those sweet, sweet girls…I was concerned about Leta’s response to a bump in her routine with the name of Marlo…and look what a wonderful addition she has been to all your lives.

A baby is God’s opinion that life should go on.
Carl Sandburg

http://www.laughinginthewind.blogspot.com alayna

Don’t be surpised if Marlo stays easy all the way through. It’s amazing to me that those who come out, well, let’s just say difficult, have a tendency to stay that way, and those that come out laid-back, tend to stay that way too. At least that has been my experience with my 4 kiddos. However, they have yet to hit the teeenage years, and that scares me more than a little!

Anonymous

So glad you have an easy, joyful baby this time. You deserve her!

Natasha

Ok so I just came home from vacation in Tobago, and I’m only now catching up…

Love the Jazz Fingers!!!! Kinda creepy, but veeerryy cool!!!

I don’t know if I’m gonna have more kids, but reading what you write about Leta and Marlo make me think about it more and more everyday. I only just started reading this year, but seeing the difference between what you went through with Leta and now Marlo….I’m really really glad you’re enjoying motherhood that much more this time!!!

You have a womderful family!!! Forget about the haters…or rather more power to you for making money of off them!!!

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