Category Archives: Scottish

A couple friends of mine made a game
and they named their stupid game company after this riddle
which happens to be VERY OLD.
When I told them how old the riddle was
they were like “holy shit we’ll pay you to do a re-telling of it”
and I was like “well I was just going to I MEAN YES PAY ME”
then I loaded up the post I’d already written
and changed exactly nothing about it
except this little preamble
about how you should seriously buy their really cool game
it’s about fooling nazis and you can watch me win at it on twitch sometimes
anyway, let me tell you about this dumb farmer and his problems.

Right so there’s this farmer
let’s call him Dick
Dick is not a very successful farmer
as evidenced by the fact that he has to go to the store
to buy a goat
a cabbage
and for some reason
a wolf
you would think if he needed cabbages
he could grow some on the farm that he has
the goat makes sense
but why the fuck does he need a wolf?
wolves are like the exact thing you want to keep out of your farm
and this dude is spending money
(which he probably doesn’t have a lot of
seeing as he can’t even grow fucking cabbages)
to ACQUIRE THE THING HE IS MOST AFRAID OF
that would be like being afraid of nuclear weapons
and so purchasing a bunch of oh
oh okay I get it.

Anyway the only store in the area
that sells both goats AND wolves AND cabbages
is on the other side of the river
so he rents a boat to get to the store
further increasing the cost of this errand
and then on the way back
he realizes he has a problem
i mean
he realizes he has a brand new problem
on top of all his previously existing problems.
The problem is this:
the boat can only hold him and one of this three dumb purchases.
if he leaves the wolf alone with the goat
the wolf will eat the goat
(this will likely still be a problem on the farm
also I wouldn’t feel great about having a wolf in a boat with me)
If he leaves the goat alone with the cabbage
the goat will eat the cabbage
and the grass under the cabbage
and the dirt
and any part of the mantle soft enough to chew
because goats are awful

so how does he solve this problem he created for himself?
SPOILERS:
he takes the goat across
then he takes the cabbage across
but he doesn’t just leave the goat there with the cabbage
because despite all prior evidence, he is not an idiot
no, he brings the goat BACK WITH HIM
and then LEAVES IT ON THE ORIGINAL SHORE and takes the wolf
then he puts the wolf with the cabbage
and goes and gets the goat
which has probably eaten half of the landscape by now
and the farmer lives happily ever after
until his long string of bad business decisions finally ruin him.

That’s the least interesting part of this story, though
the MOST interesting part
is that this riddle shows up fucking EVERYWHERE
Italy, Estonia, Russia, Scotland, fuckin Ghana
Ethiopia, Russia, seriously, EVERYWHERE
but my favorite version of the story comes from Zimbabwe.
Now in this version
our hero has acquired not three, but FOUR incompatible items:
a leopard, a goat, a rat, and a basket of corn.
He can still only take one thing across the river at a time
so what the fuck is he gonna do?
If he takes the goat across, the rat eats the grain
if he takes the grain across, the goat eats the rat probably
goats eat anything
if he takes the leopard across, he’s in a boat with a leopard
there’s no winning
so the dude is like “hmm
maybe i should get rid of one of these rowdy animals
then this problem would have a logical solution
but I can’t do that
these animals are like family to me
ever since I drove away my family with my dumb purchases
you know what?
fuck this logic puzzle
I don’t need to cross that river
I live here now.”
and that’s what he does.

So the moral of the story
is if you’re the kind of person who spends money on wild carnivores
don’t try to logic your way out of the problem
fucking own your stupidity.

Good thing i have internet in this godforsaken wildernessbelow is the original text of the myth for the daybelow thatis another mythfor thursdayPROBLEMS SOLVED STARTING NOW:

OH SNAP

NO MYTH ABOUT BRER RABBIT TODAYbecause franklythat guy is a prickand i am sick of talking about himso insteadIT’S SCOTLAND TIME

now scotland rightit is going throughone hell of a depressionliketerminal depressionreal badso badthere is this family rightand they cant afford to feed all their kidsso the parents are like WELPGUESS WE GOTTA GET RID OF OUR THREE YOUNGESTCAUSE IT WILL BE LESS PAINFUL FOR EVERYONEIF THEY GET EATEN BY WOLVESINSTEAD OF STARVING TO DEATH IN HEREWHERE WE CAN SEE THEM AND FEEL BAD ABOUT IT

so they cast off their three youngestwho all happen to be girlslike they are chucking sandbags out a hot air balloonin some kind of dramatic hot air balloon chaseperhaps the finale of some wacky action comedyonly instead of wacky adventuresthey are setting their kids up for DEATH BY EXPOSURE

so these three girls are out in the woodsthe oldest girli forget her nameand so does the whole internet apparentlyso i’ll call herPansy MacNobodyshe starts blubbering and pissing herselfand her sisterthe second oldestwho i am going to call Worthless O’Dipshiti guess thinks this is some kind of being scared contestand so she pisses herself twice as hardand also cries a lotbut the youngest girlwhose name is MOLLY WHOOPEEis like guyshey guyssistersSHUTTHE FUCKUP

I am going to get us through thismeall on my ownbecause i guess you guys all forgot your competencein our mom’s birth-sackand when i was borni grabbed all that shitand tied it around my waistand now i am at least three times more competentthan anyone else in the world

so true to her wordmolly whoopee leads her sisters through the woodsand they find a castleand molly goes up and knocks on the doorand a big big big big woman opens the doorlike OH SHIT GO AWAY GUYSGUYS MY HUSBAND IS A GIANTand molly whoopee is like no shit so are youand the woman is like NO YOU DONT UNDERSTANDHE WILL EAT YOUand molly is like bitchthe only peoplewho are going to be eating anythingare me and my sisterslet us in and give us some fucking SOUP

so the giant lady lets them inand they have SOUPand it is DELICIOUSbut then the giant husband comes homeand he actually does that stereotypical giant thingwhere it is like FEE FI FO FUMI SMELL SOME MOTHERFUCKING BLOOD IN HEREand his wife is like shut the fuck up husbandwe all know you’re a giant alreadyyou don’t have to go perpetuatingthese racist stereotypesabout how giants yell that all the timekind of like how dwarvesare all scummy little bastards who fuck gold rings

but the husband is having none of ithe is like I AM GOING TO EAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOU LITTLE GIRLSand his wife is like no you are notyou are not going to embarrass me in front of company like thatand the giant is like ok fineyou guys can eat that soupand i won’t eat youand you can even stay the nighti guess

so they domolly and her worthless sistersend up sleeping in the same bedas the giant’s three daughtersand before they all go to sleepthe giant comes inand he puts a gold collar on each of his daughtersand then straw collars on molly and her sistersand then he’s like goodnight girlssleep welltry not to die brutally during the nightHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

now molly gets a little suspicious about all thisand she waits until everyone is asleepand then switches all the collarsso she and her sisters are wearing the gold onesand the giant girls are wearing the straw onessee the first time i heard this storyi thought she was just trying to steal some goldbut that is not what it is at allcause see a couple hours laterwhen the whole house is quietthe giant sneaks into the room in the darkand he feels around on the girl’s necksand whenever he finds a neck with a collar of straw on ithe strangles that neckhe strangles it hardi don’t understand what this solves for the giantlikeif his wife wakes up in the morningand finds molly and her sisters strangled in bedshe is still going to know it was her husbandit’s not like this will help him get away with anythingbut anyway it’s a moot pointbecause instead of strangling molly and her sistersthe giant strangles ALL HIS DAUGHTERSand then leaves the roomvery pleased with himselfat which point molly wakes up her sistersand they get THE FUCK OUT OF THAT CASTLE

so after a lot of runningand then some walkingand maybe even some sleep who knowsmolly and gang arrive at another castlethis one happens to not be full of giantswhich is already a pretty sweet dealwhat’s moremolly gets to talk to the kingand she tells him how she pranked the giantand the king starts laughing his ASS offand is like manI have not laughed that hard in a whilehe killed his DAUGHTERS?instant comedyheretry some haggis(note: haggis is a scottish delicacymade of intestines and terrorother scottish delicacies include:suffering)and molly is like no no no nonoi’m alright thank youeven though i’m starvingdo you have anything else?and the king is like welli have a sweet quest you could go onhow about you go back to that giantand you steal the sword he keeps over his bedand molly is like what’s in it for meand the king is like how abouti marry my oldest son to your oldest sisterand molly is like SOLDMY SISTER CAN HOOK ME UP LATERSHE BETTER FUCKING HOOK IT UPGIVEN ALL THE BULLSHIT I GO THROUGHCAUSE SHE CANNOT GET IT TOGETHER ENOUGHTO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF

so that nightmolly goes back to the giant’s castleand she sneaks inand climbs up the headboard of the giant’s bedand grabs the hilt of the swordand slides it gently and carefully off the rackand balances it on her backand is halfway out the doorWHEN THE GIANT WAKES UPAND HE IS LIKE I’LL GET YOU MOLLY WHOOPEEand molly is like haha it sounds funny when you say my nameand she runsand he runsand she runsand he runsuntil they come to this bridgecalled the bridge of one hairas you can probably imaginethis is a very thin bridge guysso molly crosses itand the giant cannot even put one foot on itso he settles for standing on the other side of the bridge likeYOU BETTER NOT COME ACROSS THIS BRIDGE AGAIN HOand molly is like how about insteadi come back two more timesbiiitch

so she brings the sword back to the kingand the king is like SWEET DEALHERE PANSY MACNOBODYHAVE MY SONmolly you have done wellhow bout some haggisand molly is like how about shut upand the king is like how bout another missioni’ll marry my second oldest son to your other sisterand molly’s like what i gotta doand the king is like how boutyou get the sack of goldthe giant keeps under his pillowand molly is like SOLD

so that nightshe goes back to the giant’s castleand she sneaks inand she climbs up onto the bedand she goes to the pillowbut the giant’s giant headis on the pillowso she can’t pull it outso what she doesshe pulls a goose feather out of the pillowscratch thata GIANT goose featherand she tickles the giant’s noseand he rears up and SNEEZESand molly grabs the sack of goldand books it out the door

BUT THEN THE GIANT WAKES UP{like I’LL GET YOU MOLLY WHOOPEEand molly is like haha it never gets oldand he runsand she runsand he runs and she runsuntil they get to the bridge of one hairand molly runs acrossand the giant is like DON’T FUCKING COME BACK YOU WHOREand molly is like DONT WORRYI’M ONLY GONNA COME BACK ONE MORE TIMEsee she’s got this shit all planned out

so she gets back to the castleand the king is like haggis?and molly is like nohow about a third missionand the king is like i was thinking the same thingbring me the ring the giant wears on his fingerand i will marry you to my youngest sonand also make you my heir designateand molly is like SOLD AND DOUBLE SOLD

so that nightshe goes back to the giant’s castleand she sneaks inand she climbs up onto the bedand she slides the giant’s ring past his first knucklebut thenit gets STUCK!SHIT!but it’s okaymolly goes to the kitchenand finds some lardand rubs it all over the giant’s fingerand POPOFF COMES THE RINGand molly puts it around the waistand is about to run awaySURPRISETHE GIANT WAKES UPGRABS HERand is like WHAT NOW BITCHand molly is like i don’t know bitchwhat now

and the giant is like hmmi don’t know actuallyi’m really bad at coming up with punishmentslast time i came up with onei killed my daughtersso likeif i was youand you was mewhat would you doand molly is like seriouslyand the giant is like yeahand molly is like ok welli guess i’d put you in a burlap sackwith a dog and a catand a needle and threadand a pair of shears(NOTE: shears is scottish for scissorsyou’re welcome america)and then i’d hang you from the door in the kitchenand i’d go out into the woodsand i’d find the biggest strongest saplingand pull it up by the rootsand come back hereand beat you to deaththat’s what i’d do

so the giant is like hmmmthat sounds just crazy enough to workso he puts her in a burlap sackwith a dog and a catand a needle and threadand a pair of scissorsand hangs her from the door in the kitchenand then goes out into the woods to find the biggest saplingso he can come back and beat the shit out of molly

meanwhilethe giant’s wife comes into the kitchenand starts making some soupand molly hears herand just starts goingOH MY GOODNESSHOLY FUCKING JESUS SHITTHE INSIDE OF THIS BAG IS SO AMAZINGI HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCES SUCH A THING IN MY LIFE BEFOREand the wife is like whaaaaat?what’s so amazing about itand molly is like I CANTLIKE I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE ITIT’S JUST SO FUCKING MINDBLOWINGBOY I SURE DO LOVE IT IN THIS BAGand the giant’s wife is like can i look in the bagand molly is like NO THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE IN HEREFUCK YOUand the wife is like pleeeeeeaseand molly is like WELL NOand then the wife is like PRETTY PLEASEand molly is like OKI GUESSSSSSSSSso she takes the shears(scottish for scissors guysremember)and she cuts a hole in the bagand she gets outand then she is like come on inand the giant’s wife climbs inand molly sews the bag shut with the needle and threadand then goes and hides behind the doorthe wife kind of fails to see what is so amazing about the bagbut at least she has a dog and a cat to keep her company

so a couple hours passand finally the giant comes homewith one motherfucker of a saplingand he takes the bagwith his wife in itand starts BEATING IT with the saplingall like HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW MOLLYHUHHUHand his wife is like NO NO I AM YOUR WIFEbut it doesn’t matterbecause at the same timethe cat is like MROWWWRMOROWMRRMROMRMRORRand the dog is like AROOF WOOF AROOF ROOF ROOFso the giant can’t hear shit his wife says

but when molly runs out the door laughing her ass offthe giant finally catches onand he drops the bag and the treeand starts chasing herand he runs and she runs and he runs and she runsand she crosses the bridge like alwaysand the giant is like SERIOUSLYCOME ONDON’T COME BACK HERE ANYMOREMY DAUGHTERS ARE DEADAND MY WIFE IS BADLY BEATENYOU’VE TAKEN MY MONEYAND MY SWORDAND MY RINGWHAT ELSECOULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT FROM MEand molly is likewhat?nothinghaven’t you been paying attention?i’m never crossing this bridge againenjoy the rest of your life

so then molly goes back to the kingand turns down the haggis AGAINand then marries the king’s youngest sonand then becomes kingbecause she’s the most competent motherfuckerin all the land

so the moral of the storyis it’s okay to destroy someone’s entire lifeand livelihoodand familyas long as they started it