BS CREATIVE EXCUSES FOR A DAY OFF:
• “I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?”
• “I seem to have contracted Attention Deficit Disorder and, hey, how about them Leafs, eh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint Canada but thank you for calling.”
• “I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.”
• “The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.”
• “I can’t come to work today because Environment Canada has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.”
• “I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead!
• “The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.”

BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:
Tennis power couple Andre Agassi & Steffi Graf were wed in Vegas MONDAY, just in time to make their DECEMBER-due baby legit (no word if they’re expecting ‘doubles’) . . . Word is Minnie Driver canceled her wedding plans to Barbra Streisand’s stepson, actor Josh Brolin, because she just couldn’t take any more interference from her future mother-in-law (Babs gets her nose into everything) . . . The real-life Erin Brockovich is working on a pilot for a syndicated TV talk show (can’t wait to see the wardrobe!) . . . Dinosaur rockers The Who are considering recording a new album NEXT YEAR which would include their new drummer, Ringo Starr’s son Zak Starkey (it’ll also be his job to push his bandmates’ wheelchairs into the studio) . . . According to friends, Paul McCartney and fiancée Heather Mills are working on a baby (now that kid’ll have it made — heir to billions and a dad that’s already 60 when he or she is born) . . . Just-released “Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace” has become the ‘fastest-selling DVD in history’ (but that’s no big claim, they’ve only been around a couple years) . . . Microsoft gazillionaire Bill Gates will make a guest appearance on the 200th episode of “Frasier” NOVEMBER 13, playing an awkward and unfashionable four-eyed computer geek (you know — himself) . . . And a toy manufacturer has announced it’s coming out with a new Britney Spears doll (it runs exclusively on ‘double-D’ batteries).

FAREWELL TO ARMS FEES:
The Canadian federal government is now refunding firearms registration fees to those who already paid and offering free registration to those who didn’t in an effort to get more guns registered. (By refusing to register, gun owners have managed to reduce the fee from $60 to $10 to – nothing. Cool, can we do this with taxes?)

WE’RE WORK WHINERS:
According to a new Canadian Policy Research Networks study, Canadian workers are stressed, depressed and less loyal to their employers than a decade ago. Just 45% of Canadian workers now say the are ‘highly satisfied’ with their jobs, compared to 62% in 1991. (Just because all your friends were fired due to down-sizing, and you’ve worked for 5 different companies in 2 years without leaving your desk, and your workload doubled each time there was a takeover, and now some snot-nosed 22-year-old bean counter at head office is your boss — what’s your problem?)

COLD CASH:
According to “The Week” magazine, countries that have cold winters are the world’s wealthiest. Why? A hard frost each year kills off disease-carrying bugs keeping humans healthier, and frost also helps crops by killing off micro-organisms that use up nutrients in the soil. (Another reason people in frigid climes are well off – for 6 months it’s too frickin’ cold to do anything other than go to work!)

SEXY SURVEYS:
• A new Bags123.com poll finds 52% of women would rather shop than make love. Not surprisingly, 93% of men said they’d prefer sex to shopping. (Unless it’s shopping for sex.)
• In a recent sex survey, 40% of respondents claim their partner’s satisfaction is their top priority during sex. (The other 60% said, “Partner? What partner?”)
• According to a “19” magazine poll, 22% of men, or about 1 in 5, consider themselves ‘good looking’. What’s more interesting is a third of those who consider themselves hot stuff admit that women don’t find them sexy at all. (More proof men are delusional.)
• A survey in “Swing” magazine asks 18 to 34-year-olds, “Would you give up sex for 6 months for a Ferrari?” The answers are an even split: 49% choose the car, and 49% prefer doing the nasty. (The remaining 2% apparently have nothing to trade.)

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• Employees of cash-strapped Australian regional air carrier Kendell Airlines are helping the company cut catering costs — by baking homemade muffins and cookies for passengers. (If this catches on, there’ll be a huge new job market for grandmas!)
• Osama bin Laden Halloween masks are one of the most-talked-about items at THIS WEEK’S “Hong Kong International Toys & Gifts Fair”. (Now if they could just incorporate a gas filter into them, they’d have a real hot seller!)
• Scientists in Chile say that after 8 months of research and hundreds of different combinations of ingredients, they have finally found the perfect recipe for the ‘seaweed burger’. (They knew they were successful when it no longer tasted like — seaweed.)
• The Lampang Elephant Conservation Center in Thailand has begun manufacturing paper from — elephant poop. The center looks after more than 80 elephants which each produce several kilos of fibrous dung daily. (To show you really care, mail that special love note while it’s still warm.)
• A nuclear power plant in Finland is planning to produce its own wine. The plant’s manager says that recycled water from the plant will flow through underground pipes, warming the soil and grapevines before emptying into the sea. (Now there’s a wine that’ll give you a warm glow! What will they call it — ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!’, ‘Nasti Spumanti’, or ‘Merde du Pays’?)

BE CALM:
Public hysteria is more dangerous than the real problem of terrorism, mental health experts tell the “Washington Post”. A recent example in Atlanta — an overwrought woman telephoned 911 to report a mysterious balloon on her lawn that wasn’t moving. It turned out to be — a balloon.

BS SHOCKING FACT:
“Astronomy” magazine says two-thirds of the world’s population and 99% of people in the continental US and Europe never see a truly dark, starry sky. Why? ‘Light pollution’ — the glow from artificial lights in urban areas.

AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] Halloween
[Thurs] National Denim Day
[Thurs] Punk For A Day Day
[Sat] World Series begins
[Sun] Mother-In-Law Day
[Sun] Daylight Savings time ends
Toastmaster’s Week
Museum Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS GOOFY GAMES:
• “Relic Road Show” – Been hearing stations using various forms of scavenger hunt games lately from street-front studios or when on location. Ask listeners to bring in specific items that relate to your format. First to show up claims the prize. For instance, listeners to a classic rock station might have to come up with a lava lamp, a Lynyrd Skynyrd poster, a mood ring, Boston concert tickets, tie-dyed jeans, etc.
• “Pet Calls” – Phone contestants attempt to get their pet to say the station call letters or ID. You might need to handicap talking birds or create their own division.
• “Show Us Your Tats!” – Another on-location contest where the first listener to show up with a tattoo from a given category wins. Categories might include: flags, names, animals, hearts (got a heart on?). In a club setting, you can make it a competition to find tattoos that are the ‘Most Patriotic’, ‘Most Mushy’, Most Embarrassing’, etc. They gotta show ‘em to win!

BS TRIVIA:
Q: You’re a miner working the ‘hoot owl’ – what the heck are you doing?
A: The ‘hoot owl’ is mining slang for the night shift. In the newspaper business, it’s known as the ‘lobster shift’.

Q: You’re visiting the Bahamas and experience a ‘banana wind’. What is it?
A: Nope, not a case of the fruit farts. It’s a wind strong enough to blow bananas off trees, but not as dangerous as a hurricane.

IT STARTS WITH ‘S’:
• What’s missing from a naval orange? [Seeds.]
• What’s the product name ‘Sanka’ short for? [‘Sans cafeine’, French for ‘without caffeine’.]
• What’s the common term for ‘pulverized tobacco’? [Snuff]
• What dance’s name literally means ‘to rub navels together’? [Samba]
• If you keyboard correctly, the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand is this no longer politically-correct job title. [Stewardesses.]

BS TAG LINE:
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.