Monday, November 29, 2010

(this picture has nothing to do with the text written below, i just despise justin)

1. you cannot stick your tongue out and look at the ceiling at the same time.
2. you may try this after reading.
3. realising it’s a lie.
4. you’re now wearing a silly smile.
5. you’ll like this.
6. hoping that your friends will try this too.

it's 1.35am and i know i should be sleeping, because i've got to get up early. but i can't sleep, i can't stop thinking. i keep wondering; maybe if i was a better person, then maybe i'd be good enough for him, maybe if i tried harder to the quit the drug, then maybe i'd be good enough for him, because i've obviously not made enough sacrifices or changed enough about myself for him. but then i think? why the fuck should i? why the fuck should i change so much for someone who hasn't shown any sign of caring about me, for days. why the fuck should i change even more for someone who wouldn't do one think i asked? and then i think; maybe he's worth it. isn't that why i changed in the first place? because i thought he was worth it. but now a few months down the track; are you still worth it? please, just show me you still care.

sometimes i think i should just give up, sometimes i think that i should stop wasting my time trying to fix this on my own. but then i remember all those nights we shared together; whether it was staying in, just us two, or out with our friends. i remember all of those times we spent playing around, smiling, and laughing. i thought those days would last forever. i remember the night you took me out to dinner, and how lucky i felt to have you. i remember those kisses that sent my mind into outer space, and the moments that we looked into each others eyes, and i knew that we were meant to be together, i knew that you cared about me, and i knew that you were going to change my life. but as i think back now, it hurts, because i'm scared i'm never going to feel like that again.

a year ago i was counting down the days until i saw you, until the day i would run into your arms at the airport and take you home with me. i still to this day, cannot believe you kept your promise to me; you flew to from the place i grew up in, to the little city i now call home. we spent two weeks together, and they were the some of the best days of my life. we did so much in those two weeks, i remember it so clearly. jumping off waterfalls, drinking way too much beer, exploring a city together and finding bubble tea; the drink we use to always get together, when i was still living in perth. playing drinking games with my mum, you were the first boy to walk up the mount with me, eating cobenhagen cones. but, i'm ashamed that your first night here i got drunk and threw up and within the first week we had been in a car crash, but you didn't care, you just smiled and laughed. i can still remember how i felt when i saw you for the first time in two years, i couldn't stop smiling, it was that very moment that i had been holding onto all year. it was you that helped me get through everything last year, and you didn't even know it. you are the only boy who has never broken a promise, lied to me, hurt me, or let me down. you are the only boy who has always been there for me, even though you thousands of kilometers away, in a different country; you have always been there for me. i need to talk to you right now, i miss you more than ever. i love you robert thomas cudahy.

"i can't stop thinking of you now. are you the same." do you actually think i stop thinking about you? because i don't. i thought i'd told you enough that you are on my mind, constantly. you are still my first thought when i wake up in the morning, before i go to sleep at night and you drown my mind every hour in between. tonight, i sat alone listening to a song on repeat, i couldn't stop the tears dripping off my face, all i could think about was you. i miss you so much it hurts, but you have no idea. i miss; your smile. your hair. your eyes. your arms. your lips. your hands. you skin. your voice. the way we would sleep together. the way you like to touch my feet. the way your obsessive compulsive about having clean teeth. the way you make me smile. the way you held me the night that i felt like this world couldn't do anymore damage. the way you can be so completely oblivious when i try to be completely obvious. i miss everything about you. but what i miss the most is, you missing me back.

what would you say if i told you that all i've thought about is you, since you been gone. i wish some way, some how i could turn this world right back around and mend mistakes i made. so i could say to you that i know things aren't quite like what they used to be. different faces, different places yeah. we could try, oh yeah we could try. what would you say if i told you that i'm not givin' up however long it takes, it's clear that things have changed since when we started. but we can't just walk away, babe. so i am telling you that i know, things aren't quite like what they used to be. different places, different faces yeah. we could try, oh yeah we could try.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

last time i punched a wall so hard i broke my knuckle, it was because of my ex, and i don't even remember why i did it, but it was probably because of something he'd done, and it resulted in him breaking my heart, and me breaking my knuckle. i had a cast on for about a month. but this time; it was during a heating argument between me and my mother, i can't remember what she was complaining about, but i know that it set me off, it pushed me to the point i lost control and my anger got the better of me. as my fist hit the wall i heard a crack, i knew what i had done, but i didn't care. at that point, it still didn't hurt. it wasn't until minutes later when i looked down at the blood dripping off my knuckles, that's when the rush of pain serged through my fingers and i noticed just how bad it was. in my cry out for help, i told you. you didn't show a sign of caring at all. i thought that maybe once you had seen my hand, your attitude may change. but i was wrong; all you've said is "you're an idiot!" i knew that you wouldn't be impress about what i'd done, but i thought that maybe you might care just a little bit that i got so angry, and so upset that i got to the point that i had to punch a wall, to stop myself from punching my mum. but you don't, you simply don't care.

i tell myself, and the rest of the world that i hate you, but the truth is i can't hate you, as much as i want to; it's psychically, psychologically and emotionally impossible for me to hate you. but i do hate myself. i hate myself for still thinking about you, for still caring about you, for still missing you, and for still loving you. i hate myself for pretending that it doesn't hurt, when it does; all the time. and recently it's been fucking unbearable.

i'm trying so hard to hold onto you. i'm trying so hard to keep it together and control how i feel inside. i'm trying so hard to look past what we've done, and stay hopeful for the future. i'm trying so hard to treat you like nothing has changed. i'm trying so hard to ignore how fast your pushing me away. i'm trying so hard to keep it together, and appear as though this isn't killing me. when the truth is; i'm falling apart.

Friday, November 26, 2010

i am so relieved your getting better, you had me very worried for a while. as soon as you said something went wrong i almost threw up, all of the worst case scenarios were racing through my head; and i started to panic. i was coming up with plans in my mind as to how i was going to get to you, or how i was going to talk people into driving me to you. i've never trusted doctors, and this is the reason why; they think they're god, and when they slip up, the patient is the one suffering for their mistakes and incorrect analysis. which in this case; is you. i was told removing a hernia is a simple operation, turns out it wasn't a hernia at all, and you have a dislocated sternum. so they opened up your chest and removed my favorite mole on your body; just to tell you there isn't anything you can do? what the fuck, that really boils my kettle. i don't even want to think about the pain your in, i'm sure it's excruciating but your a big, tough boy and i know you'll be back on your feet in no time darling.

mayday, mayday. someone save me. i am fragile, ohhh somebody rescue me, somebody tell me you will. concrete heartache, left me awake. sleepless sleeper ohh, somebody wake me up, somebody tell me you will. and tell me that your going to save me, that everything is gonna be okay. i'm screaming but nobody can hear me. can you save me from myself.. and no no no no how can this be. i've tried and tried and tried but i'm so lost out at sea. when did i become the things i used to hate, i'm stranded to this ship. left to fall with the crash of the waves. tell me that your going to save me, that everything is gonna be okay. i'm screaming but nobody can hear me.. can you save me from myself?

i just wish you would look up, and see how hurt i am. i wish you would notice how much pain i'm going through. i wish you would ask if i was okay, and care that i'm not. i wish you would show me a little sign of hope. i wish you would come to my house, hold me and kiss me. i wish you would tell me every thing's going to be okay. but you haven't, and i'm scared your not going to. i need you. right now, i need you so fucking much. but you wont come, your out having fun and enjoying yourself, whilst i'm here lonely, shaking, with tears dripping off my face. i need you.

i remember when we lived on the same street, two minutes walk away from each other. on school nights, we would sneak out and meet at the park in between our two houses, back in those days, we weren't allowed to smoke at home; so this was our way of seeing each other and being 'rebellious' together. we were inseparable. if i had a fight with my mum, or my boyfriend. you would run down to my house, hold me and not let go until the tears stopped. the times i couldn't force myself to walk, you'd carry me back to you house and look after me. i used to call you my best friend. but now, i don't know you anymore, i haven't seen you in months, and i wish you knew that i miss you everyday.

i missed you, a lot. we went through a stage when we didn't talk as much, we didn't hang out, and i never told you how much it hurt. i ignored how i felt, and didn't take your actions personally. but the other day; you came and picked me up, just you and me. and we talked, and laughed and talked, for hours. i told you that i had missed you, and you admitted you had missed me too. i told you that i can't stand it when we don't talk; i told you that it wasn't me, it was you, you were being a dick to me and you agreed. which made me happy. but you apologised, which is what meant the most to me. recently i've been seeing you a lot more often, we've been talking everyday again. i know we aren't as close as we use to be, but i'm just glad to have you back in my life, i missed you, a lot.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

a month, or so ago; i was unbelievably happy, i was ranting and raving about how great life was going for me, and how long i'd waited to feel like this, again. i was thanking everyone in my life for being there for me, and being so fucking amazing. i felt on top of the world, like i was invincible, like i was finally free from all the pain, the suffering, the tears, the uncontrollable fear and most of all; free from my thoughts. but now, it feels like that was a life time ago, it feels like it's all catching up with me, it feels like i'm stuck in quick sand; it makes no difference how hard i struggle to get out of it, i just keep sinking. i tried so hard to change my life, but have i really made much difference at all? i still feel broken, i still feel pain, everyday. and i can't fucking deal with it. some please, help me?

i've now been diagnosed with PTSD; post traumatic stress disorder, in result of my childhood and everything i went through, the psychological and physical violence i witnessed and also received. when a person or a child undergo traumatic experiences, they develop 'coping mechanisms' depending on who the person is, it can be different things. for me; i bottle my emotions, i pretend that nothing is wrong, on the outside it looks like i'm a happy young girl, but on the inside is a completely different story. this started at a very young age, and it is a habit i haven't been able to let go of, and sometimes i'm afraid i never will. in result of my continuous bottling for the last ten years, i have not only developed severe depression, but also PTSD. at first i wasn't convinced, but i've been researching it on the internet, and i'm starting to accept that i could have this mental illness aswell. some symptoms include; frequently having upsetting thoughts or memories of the traumatic event's, or commonly known as - flash backs. i am guilty of this. having nightmares. this happens most nights i sleep alone. being physically responsive, such as experiencing a surge in your heart rate or sweating, to reminders of the traumatic event. i'd be lying if i said this didn't happen when i'm reminded of those few years of my childhood. making an effort to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations about the traumatic event. i can barely ever bring myself to talk or go into detail about what happened to me, and what i saw. having difficulty remembering important parts of the traumatic event. another coping mechanism i used, was blocking out memories, this causes me not to remember big spaces of time, and from what i do remember; i'd rather forget. a loss of interest in important, once positive, activities. ever since i was a child i've taken little interest in life, and the normalities of growing up. i have a huge problem with self motivation. feeling distant from others. i've always felt like an outsider, like i don't fit in. but even sometimes i find myself thinking, and often believing that no one cares, nor understands. experiencing difficulties having positive feelings, such as happiness or love. for years i've found it hard to stay positive about life, and where it may take me. i struggle to stay happy for long periods of time, but i've always loved with my whole heart, and found it unbearable to stop loving. having a difficult time falling or staying asleep. i lye awake most nights thinking, trying to make myself fall asleep, although it's much easier when i'm sleeping with someone i care about.but once i am asleep? i never want to wake up, i'd stay in bed all day if i could, if it meant not facing the world. feeling irritable or having outbursts of anger. i constantly feel tense, and that at any moment i could explode and kill everything around me, but aswell as everything else, i bottle that too. having difficulty concentrating. ever since i can remember i've had a problem with concentrating. i just thought i had a short attention span. feeling constantly "on guard" or like danger is lurking around every corner. all day, everyday. being "jumpy" or easily startled. anyone who properly knows me, will know this is true. because of this; i find it extremely difficult to deal with stressful, and emotional problems in life, i've always known that i had a huge problem dealing with stress, but i never knew it could be as bad as this. so it turns out, i am more fucked up than i thought.

i fucking hate this. i don't want it to be like this, i don't want to fight with you, i don't want to miss you, i don't want to let go of you. i want you. i want to make it work, i want to try, i want to get through this and everything else the world has to throw at us. i want you. please tell me you still want me too. missing you hurts so bad.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

what the fuck are you doing. i use to refer to you as my brother, i would call you and ask you for advice, i would tell you how i felt and why, i would also try and help you out with your problems, we even had our own handshake, but now? i can't stand you. you just keep making the wrong decisions, everyone is starting to realise it and turn on you. after everything you've done, i tried my hardest to look past it and get along with you, for him. i'd ignore your rude, childish comments, and reply with a simple "shut the fuck up" but now? i don't want to see you, talk to you, or be associated with you at all. even hearing your name being brought up in conversation annoys me. i've got to know you quite well and all i can say is; you are selfish, you are ignorant, you are careless, you are a back stabber and a all-round prick. now, your best mates mother is asking why you two are still so close, and even he is getting sick of your shit. although you make think so; life isn't just about fun and games, you need to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for yourself, and your actions. i know you don't care, but someday you will, and when that day comes; no one else will. i've always been against you receiving a smack in the face or two, but now? they can go hard for all i care, maybe it'll be the wake up call you need, maybe then you'll realise what your doing to your life and the people who give a fuck about you.

i'm worried, i've always looked down on the couples that spend all day in bed; although it is extremely fun and satisfying. i don't want to be one of those couples. i've been in one of those relationships before, and it's one of the many reasons i ended it. you cannot base a relationship just on sexual pleasure, at the time it's great; but afterwards when it comes to either of us leaving how do you feel? because i know how i feel, and at the moment, it doesn't feel that great. recently; it seems like that's pretty much all we've been doing, and i don't like it. don't get me wrong, it's incredible but i don't think it's too much to ask that we go out and do something every once and a while. i miss physically going out with you, and doing things together.

Friday, November 19, 2010

you yell at me, telling me i need to take responsibility for the cat's; you were the one home when one of the kitten went missing, you were here not me; i went out for the night and came home to one of them being gone. but you still yell and swear at me. you are totally obnoxious and self deluded, you have no comprehension of what your words and actions do to me, and i know you don't care. you are meant to be the one person on this earth that will be there for me no matter what, care for me and how i feel, look after me and protect me. instead you often wreck my self esteem, and hope for finding something good in this world. you push me to the point i'm so angry i start to cry, you push me to the point i want to give up. you threaten me often, and repetitively make me feel worthless, and like i'm a complete fuck up. i actually thought our relationship was getting better, i thought we've been getting along well recently, i thought you were getting healthier, i thought that whatever kind of therapy your doing was positively affecting your mental stability. but you've proved that wrong. i've been saying to myself for years that i can't handle you, or the way you flip out at me; but i've persevered, i push passed it and i put myself back together. and it looks like i'll have to keep doing so, it kills me the way you treat me.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

i knew he didn't write it, but now i've been informed that you two actually sat in her room together writing it. he told me she didn't tell him to end it with me, but it really makes me think; what the fuck did she say to him. it sounded like he wrote it directly from her mouth. it's depressing to think that she says she is my friend, but she goes directly against my wishes and boundaries. yes her and her family are going completely out of their way to help me, relieving me of a fuck load of stress and i couldn't be more grateful for everything they're doing, but it doesn't mean what she's been doing is okay, nor will i put up with it. i'd feel guilty to say something to her, but if it keeps going the way it is; i wont have much nice to say to her anymore.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

i put hours of thought into what i was going to get you for your birthday, i wanted you to love it. i thought about it for months, i asked your closest friends what they thought. and they assured me that you would love it. i had finally figured out the little details, and i was so excited about your birthday. then you flipped my entire world upside down. and now as much as i still want to get for you what i had planned; i can't. i can't bring myself to. as much as i want to; i know you don't deserve it. and if i did still get it all for you; you wouldn't learn. it makes me sad because i knew you would have loved a zippo, you would have loved a white shirt tie dyed by hand, with your name printed on the back, making it even more original. you would have loved lunch at Turkish to go. even though you've never tried it, i know you would have loved it. in 2 minutes it's your birthday, you will finally turn 17. i wish i could still go though with my plan, but now it's simple; i can't.

you ruined me, but i still fucking care. you treated me like a dog, but i still fucking care. you are with someone in spite of me and my relationship. you come in and mess up my life even more, as though you didn't do enough damage. you twist the story and manipulate peoples minds. you drink, smoke, snort as much as you can. you use people, and make them think you care about them. but you don't, and you never will. you only care about yourself, and you don't give a flying fuck how your actions and words affect other people. you bitch and complain about your life even though everything is handed to you on a silver platter. you make me fucking sick to my stomach, and i want you to be put through pain. but i still fucking care. what the fuck is wrong with me? i want to hate you.

since when do you listen to everyone else, since when did you care so much about what other people think? they told you not to come back to me, but what did you do? you listened to your heart and you came back. but this time; they told you to leave me, and what did you do? you fucking listened. at the end of the day who has to live with the decisions you've made? you do. who has to feel the regret? you do. who has to wake up the next morning feeling something is missing? you do. who has to live with the mistake you've made? you do. but who has to pay the price? i do.

it's taken me days to work up the courage to attempt to put my feelings into words. i know i saw this coming, but i didn't expect it to ever hurt as much as it does. i've received love letters, but never a 'break up letter'. you left me shaking, with tears dripping of my face, unable to breathe or speak, and with a broken heart. as you were reading me out this letter you apparently wrote yourself, i started having a panic attack; you just looked at me, and kept reading. you told me; you couldn't handle me, or our relationship anymore. you told me; i haven't changed or sacrificed enough for you. you told me; when i'm away from you, you feel like you don't exist. even though i constantly text you, talk about you, think about you, write about you and sometimes i write things to you. what more did you want? for me to live in your fucking pocket or something? you told me; relationships are about communicating, and considering each other's feelings; but you did neither. i tried talking to you, i had to force words out of your mouth on many occasions. i told you how i felt, i was completely open about how i felt about you. i was completely open and explained why i was uncomfortable about you and her being as close as you are, but you didn't care. you were too worried about yourself to think about me, even though you are in the back of mind all the time. before i make my plans for the day, i think about you. but did you ever think about me when you were with her, bitching about me behind my back? did you ever think about how it affects me? no. you listened to everyone, apart from me. i'm meant to mean the world to you, but you broke me. you knew how fragile i was from the past few days, and you just had to make it worse. as you read me the words you had written, i knew it wasn't you. it didn't even fucking sound like you, to be honest; it sounded like a girl. i couldn't get my head around it, two days ago you were telling me you would do anything for me, you gave me hope for the future, and i thought we were going to be okay, i thought i could depend on you. then you come to my house and rip me apart. after you had finished, you just looked at me; you watched me cry, you watched me clench my fits against my chest, you watched me struggle to get air into my lungs, you watched me hold myself as i shook. and as soon as it started to hurt you, you left. what you did to me, what you said to me, how you left me; is fucking disgusting. i hope you know that, and i hope you know how much pain you've caused me. but i know you never will.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

how am i supposed to comfort you, if i don't know why your upset? how am i supposed to know what i've done wrong, if you don't tell me? how am i supposed to look from your point of view, if i don't know how you feel? i don't know what i've done, and you wont tell me. you had your chance to get everything off your chest, but you chose to keep it to yourself. and then after you leave, you tell me your not okay, you tell me i've done something to obviously upset you, but you wont tell me what that something is. now, you want to talk, now that i'm with someone else, you want to talk. you made it seem like everything was okay, but it isn't.

i barely slept last night, going over and over in my mind what i could have possibly done wrong now. i didn't come up with anything, all i could think is that you've had enough of my shit, your ready to kick me to the curb and move on with someone better. you freaked me out last night; saying you didn't want to ruin my night but we needed to talk, you couldn't bring yourself to talk about it when you were with me, the night before. what the fuck does that mean! i kept waking up in the middle of the night, checking my phone to see if you had texted me, but you didn't; so i tried to sleep, but i couldn't. i don't know why we need to talk so badly, and you wont give me the slightest hint, but my mind has come up with four possibilities. 1. it's something that my ex has said to you. 2. i've done something wrong, again. 3. you like someone else. 4. you're over my shit, and you're about to end us. i'm so worried, i'm almost vomiting.

will you ever stop breaking my heart? i can't fucking believe you, you heartless prick. 15 fucking girls? is that all? i fucking doubt it. you named a few to my boyfriend, you knew he'd tell me, you made it seem like it just slipped out, but you fucking knew he'd come straight to me. and you know what fucking kills me the most? your fucking proud of it. i hate myself for what i let you do to me, what i let you get away with, for thinking you could change and for loving you unconditionally through everything. you fucking disgust me. you cheated on me, i knew that. a lot, i knew that. but this is beyond what i had imagined, you're a fucking whore. good at it as well, you use girls for their cars, money, drugs and alcohol, and in return you fuck them senseless. i'm surprised i didn't catch anything off you, i hope you get aids and die. i gave you my heart, i gave you every piece of fucking love i had, i gave up everything for you, i gave you myself, completely. i changed who i was for you; to the point i didn't know who i was without you. i would have fucking done anything for you, you knew that, name it and i would have done it for you. but i was never enough for you. after everything you already put me through, you couldn't help sneaking around behind my back fucking whoever was willing. you put me through fucking hell, destroyed every piece of happiness, hope, trust, love and purity i had.. i fucking hate your guts, you make me want to rip my skin open with a blunt blade and watch the blood drip out of my body until there is none left, you make me want to pop ever pill i can find, you make me want to jump off a fucking cliff. i hope your fucking satisfied, you single handedly destroyed me, i wish i never fucking met you. i hope someone finally gives you what you deserve, i hope they stomp on your pretty face and you choke on your own blood when your lying in the gutter.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

i've been reading back through my blogs from a few days ago, i was happy, i was saying wonderful things about the people i hold close to me. and now, a few days left; it's getting harder to fight back the tears, i'm still shaking, i'm hating the thought of going to sleep and waking up still feeling like this, waking up and only getting up because i'm going to see them. i won't want to fall asleep, i'm afraid i'll have more nightmares. i'm afraid to have a good dream, wake up and remembering how i actually feel, that my life is falling apart, remember i want to give up sometimes, remember that i'm constantly in pain. the music soothes me, and i take drags on my cigarette, the only drug i can allow myself, my head starts to spin, and i let go. you are on my mind right now, the way you look when you sleep, the way you hold me, and your smile. i'm seeing you tomorrow, but i can see an argument coming, when all i need is for you to support me, we're going to argue. but, i think we'll get through this. i pray to go for help, i seek guidance, i ask for the courage to make it through, i beg for him to bless me, please lord; help me. my eyes hurt, and i miss my smile.

i had been dreading this for months, i knew it was coming, but i had been able to distract myself recently, i can still remember it so clearly, after a minute of knowing you, i was running around speedway looking for money so i could get you and your friend i had only just met in. i sprinted around and found the right amount of money, but by the time i had come back you'd been let in already, i kinda wanted to impress you. the second you saw me you 'claimed me' whispering to your friend "shotgun" and from that night on, i was yours. that night changed my life, it turned my world upside down, and i have never fully recovered from it. that night, there was an amazing spark between us flying in every direction, we started talking and we never stopped, you saved me from my stalker, and i caught you off guard by telling you, i thought you were cute. i broke down into tears the other morning after noticing what the date was, i still cannot get my head around it, it's been three fucking years. i honestly thought that i would be with you for the rest of my life, we had it all planned out, but we didn't even make it to three years, about three months off actually. i gave up, i walked away, i've been trying to move on and changed my life ever since. this was the first time i had been away from you that this day had come to pass. you called me, and left me a voicemail. you told me that today of all days i need to contact you, so i did. and you repetitively asked to see me, and i told you no; even though i wanted to say yes. after trying to function for a few hours, i gave in; i couldn't deal with it, i had to see you, i couldn't not see you, no one understands, but you do. it was good to talk to you for a while, but at times i wanted scream, punch things, and cry. that night i needed to get fucked up, it had been three fucking years, i needed to be okay, even though i wasn't, i needed to spend it with the person that means the most to me on this planet now, my best friend, she was there for me, the alcohol was there for me, the drugs were there for me. i put my happy face on, buried my feelings away deep inside of my, and i didn't let them escape, i ignored everything that would upset me, set me off, show my broken heart and cause me to fall apart. to my surprise, i ended up having a good night, i was completely fucked and i was rolling around giggling with my girl, and i had forgotten. then i remembered, you had been talking to my new boy tonight, on our three year anniversary of meeting, you we're with him, the one who is now making me happy, and you obviously fed him teaspoon after teaspoon of bullshit that your fucked up mind could come up with, twisting the story, making yourself look like the good guy, showing off the costume you wear in front of the world. how fucking dare you. i wonder if the one i care about knows; this is just one of your heartless plans to cause shit between me and him, he wants to split us apart, he wants me to hurt and crawl back to him, which i will never fucking do. i can't stand the person you've become, you are heartless, entirely untruth worthy, manipulative, cheeky, using, backstabbing, two faced mother fucker. you've put me through hell now, i can't believe what i let you get away with, and after everything, i was still there and i cared, but you've always treated me like dirt. you lie with every breathe you take. but it's now time, to leave the past in the past, and never mention it again, i don't need you stirring around with my life, i don't want to be near you, it makes it harder, memories are all that we have left now. i'm saying goodbye's to what we were, what we had, and what we didn't. i care about myself too much to let you in it anymore.

i had been looking forward to sleeping in, especially after getting quite fucked the night before; but the first time i opened my eyes this morning, i saw a police officer walk past my window. i knew this was coming, i think to myself "ohhh fuck" mum comes in the door "police here for you" there had been a warrant for my arrest for a month, but i didn't know. i explained to the police offiicers; i lost the paperwork for my diversion, and when i called around to find out what i had to do for it but i was told they wouldn't find my files. in the same week or two period of stealing the hair dye; i broke up with my boyfriend of three years, moved house, and had a car accident. they empathised a little but told me they probably wouldn't give me diversion again. in my head 'fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck." when we got to the police station we arrived through the back, where the cells are, there was a bench and behind it was a cell with a large window, and behind a scary big black guy, pacing. i sat there for alf an hour, whilst waiting to get taken to the court house. in the window infront of me i could see the pig bending over me, staring at me, whilsting at me, creepy wilsting; the kind off horror movies. i didn't look at him once, except for when we we're in the paddy wagon; there are two big, silver, vault like cells in the back. i sat in one and him and some other male criminal sat in the other, they kept looking at me when we we're driving their, and i could his eye once; cold, lifeless, dead, they stung my eyes to look into. thankfully, the drive is short. once at the court, i went into a cell, all by myself, which i was stocked about, i sat there for two and a half hours. everything kept racing through my mind, how one stupid day i was being a selfish pest, and got caught. how now, that decision had got me here, locked up. as much as i wanted to, i did not cry, i sat there, and i was silent. i thought about everything, and read the walls around me; they were covered in tags. i read a lot of them, and most of it is just gang related bullshit. some of them even made me chuckle for a minute "snitches are bitches that need stiches" and this button drawn on the wall "magic bail button" but the one thing that really freaked me the fuck out was; "SAMARA WILL PAY" was also carved into the wall, that's when it hit me, i went into shock, i started shaking and slightly rocking. but i did not cry. my mind "HOLY FUCKING SHIT" then i let it drift off and get the better of me, filling my with thoughts of self-hatred and loneliness, then i snapped out of it. i wont feel sorry for myself, this is my fucking fault. in my head i was screaming, but on the outside i was silent, but once i got out i was blank, i was completely silent, my mother said i looked completely petrified, i felt as though i couldn't speak anymore, but i pushed some words out of my mouth, and found out how much i owe, now; on top of a criminal conviction? i owe around $1500. fingers crossed i can turn a lot of that into hours, but now for the rest of my fucking life, i have a fucking record. my head "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. what have i done. what the fuck have i fucking done." i'm still startled from the shock i was in, i cannot function properly, and i can't fucking sleep. all i can do is smoke ciggarettes, fuck it, i'm going to have one now.

i told you to back off, i told you to stay out of the relationship. you said you could, "totally understand because of our past, and you wanted to fully gain my trust" then i found out your with him. i'm really uncomfortable about this, i've never done anything to you, except for trashing your room; but after what i know now, you fucking deserved it. in time, i forgave you for that. a few months later you confessed to me that their had been another "private thing" but this time you had gone further. in time, i forgave you for that. but if you lay one fucking finger on this one, i'll beat the fucking shit out of you. i will give up all together, break down, and not get back up, i can't do it again. i will never trust you completely, after what you did, i can't. not now, not ever. please don't give me another reason to hate you more inside.

for the first time i don't want to see you, i don't want to talk to you, i don't want to think about you. at this moment in time all it does is make me angry, frustrate me and give me the urge to go out and get fucked up, again. yesterday, has absolutely nothing to do with you, i asked you nice plenty of times to stop making this about you, but did you stop? no, you had to keep pushing, and you did something that shocked me, something i never expected you would do. you went and saw him, on the one day of the year that meant something to me and him, the day i met him, the day he started to change my life, three years later you were with him. after you told me, i took shot after shot, cone after cone, as much as i could get. you have no fucking idea what it's like to be going through what i am right now, and there is no way i could ever explain it to you, no one understands except for him, and i'm sorry if that hurts you, but it's true. he is my past. but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt, and on the anniversary of the day we met you were hanging out with him. that's not cool man, not cool at all. it makes me sick to my stomach to think you've gone so low to not only make this all about you, when it has nothing at all to do with you, but you've believed his twisted words, over mine. i know better than anyone what he's like, but did you listen? no, you listened to him instead. honestly, i'm really pissed off at you, you didn't give a shit about me, you didn't think about me for even a second, i told you i wasn't okay, but you didn't care did you? no, you we're too worried about yourself, and making the whole day about yourself, to show a little sign of caring about me. it was mine and his day, it had fucking nothing to do with you. and you say it affects you? fuck off it does, you have no fucking idea. you're making this worse for yourself, i've never been so disappointed in you before. the one day i needed you to support me; you turned a horrible day, fucking unbearable. let's hope you don't do this again.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

to me, everything you do is amazing. it's the way you do your hair, the clothes you wear, it's the way you kiss me, it's the way you laugh when you're extremely nervous, it's the way you brush my hair away out of my face, it's the way you hold me, it's the way you lightly stroke my skin with your fingertips, it's the way you look at me, it's the way you laugh with me, and sometimes at me. it's the way you reassure me how much you care about me, everyday. it's the way you smell. it's the way you want to do things with me, whether it's rolling down a hill, setting off fireworks, going to the movies, walking around the mount, or just holding until i fall asleep. it's the way you're getting to know who i am, and what makes me who i am. it's the way you know most of the things on my mind just by looking into my eyes. it's the way you say nothing; but i know there is a million things racing through you mind, and then there are the times you completely open up to me, and share the thoughts i so desperately want to hear. it's the way you make me smile and it's the way you tell me you love me.

i checked my voice messages today, which i never do. and i wish i never had. you had left me one, at 3 in the morning, probably high as fuck on whatever you could get your hands on. your voice was heavy and slurred, it was obvious to me you had been crying, and you said 'i love you' after hearing those words come out of my phone, i threw it across my room, i went outside and had a smoke. now; i'm really pissed off, and i don't know why, but i think it's interesting that even though it was only 3 little words, that held so much meaning now make me angry, they make me want to break things. once apon a time those 3 little words used to help me get to sleep at night, along with you, they used to mean the world to me, they used to help me breathe deeper and calm me down, they used to be the only words i ever wanted to hear escape your lips. and now; i can't stand them. despite the fact i know you mean it and i know i love you too, coming from you? those words irritate me. isn't it interesting how life can change so drastically. i never thought i'd see the day where i wanted nothing to do with you, but i know it's for the best. this way; i can be happy, without you. even if sometimes it hurts, you are not good enough for me, or my life. and i wish i'd done this sooner.

we don't talk as much anymore, i try to brush it off and pretend it doesn't matter, but it does, to me. i've tried to make casual conversation with you, but it is no use, you are a closed shell. we used to talk everyday, but now? it feels like i'm just annoying you. we used to share everything, stories, secrets, we'd talk and laugh for hours, and never get bored. but now? you cannot find the time for me, your too busy with her, the girl who has been messing around with you for months, and you always go back, even though you know you shouldn't. even someone who never talks to you has noticed how miserable you look, i tried again today to talk to you, but it was no use. i keep thinking to myself, did i do something? but i cannot think of anything i could have possibly done. you've simply shut yourself off, and for what? to be fucked over, again? honestly, it hurts me to see you like this, it hurts me that you wont talk to me, it hurts me that you have gone back, again. it hurts how much i miss you and it hurts that you don't seem to notice, or care.

i'm tired, tired of school and all of the bullshit that comes with it. so this afternoon, i had a nap. what i thought would be a harmless nana nap, instead i woke up in tears, shaking and scared my life was about to end. and of course i realised, it was just a dream. minutes after waking you knew i wasn't okay, i don't know how but you knew, "what's wrong? where are you?" i was speechless, it's as though something in your heart had told you i was scared, and it just proved to me even more that you are my best friend, without saying a word, you knew. i couldn't imagine my life without you in it, many kids these days say these words but never know it's meaning, but i do, and i mean it with my whole heart. i wouldn't be the person i am today without you holding my hand through it all the last few years, i wouldn't have been able to change my life, without you. i wouldn't have been able to make it out of bed most days without your encouragement. and this morning? you we're upset, dwelling on the cunts who fucked you over, you could barely bring yourself to coming to school, but you did, and on the way; you picked me a rose. even when your fragile, you can still find it in your heart to show the people you love how much you truly do love them. you are without a doubt the most selfless person i have ever met. you are my everything, my heart, my hope, my sister, my best friend, my soul mate. and i will love you until the earth shrivels up and is turned into dust floating away into outer space.

Monday, November 8, 2010

you are incredible. even if you don't think so, i do. you are the strongest person i know, and you deserve the best life has to offer. you have helped me so much in the last 3 years and i haven't given you enough credit for it. i love you gorgeous, beyond words. you are everything to me.

my phone started ringing during class, my first thought was; 'wtf mum, why are you calling me?!' but then i realised it wasn't her, it was a blocked number. i said hello over and over and over, but there was only silence coming from the caller. i know it was you; the one i don't want to talk to, the one i want nothing to do with, the one who i want to erase from my brain, the one who is to blame for how fucked up i am today. if it was you; the fact that you said nothing means that you we're upset, but i don't care. i don't want you in my life anymore, so please don't contact me.

i've tried my hardest to explain why i feel the way i feel, but i still don't think you get it. the reason why i'm scared that i'll loose you, the reason why i'm paranoid about you texting her, or going off for 'chats'. the reason why i read into things too much and the reason why i get jealous all the time. she's been doing it for years. you seem to think it's because i don't trust you, and you tell me that your not my ex's. i know that, and i know that you would never do anything like that to hurt me, i trust you. it's her and everyone else i don't trust; it's because it's happened to me over and over, after forgiving and constantly wanting to think the best of someone. and getting fucked over, again and again and again. it's because my faith in people was destroyed. i want to trust, but it's simple; i can't.

we sat at the top of a hill tonight, and watched the sun go down. you held me, kissed me, and called me perfect. it was beautiful. it wasn't much, but to me it was beautiful. it wasn't much, but it was enough to make me fall for you that little bit more. i've noticed you appreciate the little things in life; just like me, it's those little gestures of kindness that mean the most to you. you are more amazing than you know.

you need me and i know it, and i feel completely horrible i haven't been there for you enough, in-fact i haven't been there at all recently. i've known about how hurt you are, but i was too busy sorting out my own shit to be there for you. and i'm so fucking angry at myself that i haven't been there for you, i wasn't there when you needed to get fucked up, you needed to drink and smoke to take away the pain. i should have been there for you, i should have been holding you, wiping away your tears and getting fucked up with you. i should have been there to make you laugh, to make you smile, and help you forget. it should have been me, your best friend. i'm sorry i haven't been there, i miss you.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

for two years you were my best friend; i trusted you, completely and unconditionally. with all my secrets, all my dreams, every piece hope and all my pain, with everything i had. then you fucked me over, you did the unthinkable. you fell for him, the one i loved. you told me out of the blue, we were no longer friends then, you two we're together not even a week after we broke up and then you "realised" what you two we're doing to me. you said you realised how much fucking pain you had caused me, so you begged me to take you back. and i went fucking easy on you, i told you exactly how i felt, that i wanted to rip your long beautiful hair out and shove it down your throat until you fucking choked. i told you that i had never been betrayed so terribly before and how i never expected you to go that low. you cried to me and told me you loved me, you said you would do anything go back and un-do what you had done, that it was the biggest regret of your life, and i fucking believed you. i told you that i would in time forgive you and despite how hurt and angry i was, i still loved you. - i took you back. it was fine for a few months, it went back to how it used to be; you took me out to dinner, we went to the beach, mini putt, shopping, went out most nights and got high. you gained my trust again, the only thing i asked for was for you two not to speak, because i was scared of it happening again. and then when i decided i'd had enough, you went crawling back, you just couldn't fucking help yourself, the next fucking day he was at your house. immediately after finding this out, i knew it was happening again. but you both lied, and told me you'd never do that to me, again. but i'm not that fucking stupid. i could fucking feel it, i could feel it with every atom in my body. after that night, i erased you from my life, i wanted nothing to do with you anymore. and until now, it hasn't hurt that much. you fucked him, and his mother came in and smashed the bong we'd brought together (good bitch) i already knew, but it's been confirmed. and it probably happened fucking heaps. you make me fucking sick, not as much him, i expect it from him. but you, after last time i thought you learnt your fucking lesson. no, i was wrong, yet again. you're worthless, you're a coward, and you deserve nothing less than what you've got. if i saw you walking down the street, i would jump you, i would beat the living shit out of you, and i wouldn't stop until you we're face down in the gutter blood covering the ground, but it will never compare to the fucking terror you've put me through.

you always seem to pop up and say hello at just the right time. i could tell by the tone in your voice that your struggling, it's not what you said, it's how you said it. i don't know what it's like to go through what you are right now, and i cannot find the words to comfort you; and that disappoints me because you always know how to cheer me up, bring a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart, without even saying a word. the one thing i love most about us is; no matter how long it's been, how far away we are from each-other or what we've been through; we're still as close as we are now, as we were when i left. you shine brighter than any star in the sky. i love you, and i always will.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

we we're on your bed, kissing, hugging and rolling around like we usually would when we're in 'the mood.' you wanted me, and i wanted you. but i knew it wasn't right. you said it was my decision, i said no. it made me feel good about myself; i put my sexual feelings aside because i didn't want you to regret it, i didn't want you to tell me later on that day that we shouldn't have, that it wasn't right to do those kinds of things, because i knew you would have. especially after what i've done recently. i wanted you so badly, i wanted you to kiss me on the neck and slowly move your lips down my body, i wanted to feel you, inside and out. but i said no, for you, for myself, for us. and you we're proud, the look on your face and the words that you spoke "you made the right decision" it made me feel like i was a good person, even if it was only for a minute or two.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

i can't stand this, it's ripping me apart. and now it's official, we've broken up. when i walked up to you and your group, i could tell by the look on your best friends face that you had told him. you keep telling me how close you are to crying, and how much you miss me. but when i we said goodbye, the urge came back, the urge to kiss you and then i remembered that no, your not mine, and i can't do that anymore. instead i hugged you, for as long as you let me and then walked away. i wanted to look at you, look into your eyes and see how much you care, but i couldn't, i walked away and i didn't look back. i walked alone through the crowds of people, and thankfully no one noticed, no one noticed the tears dripping off my face.

i lied to both of you, "my mum is picking me up" i wanted to tell you she wasn't, but i was afraid of what you would do, what you would say. i was only thinking about myself, and how i felt. although i knew how you both would feel about it. i knew he was going to react the way he did, which is why i couldn't bring myself to tell him, and watch his heart break in-front of my eyes. at the time, i was angry at you for almost forcing me into coming clean, but now that it's out in the open, i am glad. without your push, i would have kept it hidden for longer; i would have locked it away and the guilt would have eaten me from the inside, out. in fact, it already was. i can't believe i was so heartless, i went behind his back and i lied, straight to their faces. i knew the second i agreed to it that it was a bad idea, and that i'd end up regretting it. i wanted to believe i could be your friend, an innocent friendship is all i wanted, but i didn't notice what was happening. i'm ashamed of myself and what i've already put you through. and now i've hurt you beyond words, more than you've ever been hurt before. you're a mess, i can feel your pain, from miles away i can feel it. i want to mend the heart i so easily broke, i want to fill you up with all the love i can give, just like you do for me. even when i've hurt you, even when your angry, you still show me just how much you care about me, how much i mean to you. i want you, and i wont give up.

today, to my face, you said it. the three simple words, with a heart full of meaning. you looked into my eyes, and you said it "i love you" my heart stopped. my mouth dropped and i couldn't take my eyes off of you. i could feel the tears forming in my eyes. "you don't mean it" i can't get my head around it, you can't love me. it's too soon, you can't love me. i broke your heart yesterday, you can't love me. i've made you cry more than you ever have, you can't love me. you broke up with me after i came clean, you can't love me. you don't trust me, you can't love me. you want me to change, you can't love me. but i know that one day you could say those words, and i'd believe you, i'd know you meant it and i'd reply "i love you too" don't get me wrong, i'd love the thought of you falling for me, but i know you don't, not just yet. maybe one day, we will love each-other. but not yet, it's too soon. maybe one day, because there is no doubt in my mind that i could love you.