Cabin Fever

02/16/2013

Over the years, I have contemplated Armageddon hundreds of times. Not in a how do I achieve it sort of way, but more along the lines of what happens when civilization breaks down and the ants – or worse, the programming department at MTV – take over.

Pop culture has prepared me for a worst-case scenario, normally to the sound of a power ballad and the sight of some last heroic act of defiance. With the destruction of most of the planet the natural consequence of this anticipated disaster, a plucky band of survivors sets out to rebuild society, while fighting off zombies or Republicans.

This is, of course, utter bobbins. Probably because most people would treat the decline of Western civilization as a chance to feather their own nest – genetic mutation! – and get on with their lives in some self-serving way that they had before the asteroid/alien attack/zombies had even been predicted by the small group of intellectuals that monitor such events.

There is also the concept that humanity is only three meals away from anarchy (probably thought up by a deep thinker such as Marx, Nietzsche or Plato). Deprive human beings of food and we revert back to a version of Homo sapiens that used clubs as a way of making their point.

Sadly, even the three-meal theory goes out the window in our 21st century dystopia.

How do I know this? Because I watched it happen. And it had nothing to do with food, and everything to do with mobile devices.

Perhaps I should explain. I live in a tiny town about 45 minutes south of Boston, inhabited by a significant proportion of the one-percent and their ever-growing brood of potential venture capitalists.

Most of them are great people, living the American Dream in a community that exists in a strange state of being connected to the outside world and yet seemingly isolated from the misery of the modern world.

Put it this way, I don’t lock my car at night – although that could be because I want somebody to nick it!

Anyway, I digress. On February 9, my little town of Eastwick/Dobbs Mill (the name has been changed to protect the soccer moms and little leaguers) got hit with a snowstorm.

Nothing unusual about that, it’s the Northeast of the U.S., winters can be harsh and most people in the town spend their weekends skiing anyway.

Snowpocalypse shuts down small town

For anyone that doesn’t live on the East Coast of the U.S., the blizzard – inexplicably called ‘Nemo’ by The Weather Channel - that hit us that Friday night is probably filed away under the category of “whatever.” After all, if you live in New Orleans or in Los Angeles, then big loads of snow are less interesting than hurricanes, earthquakes or wildfires.

Roads were shut, plows came out and the area descended into darkness. The pub stopped serving at around 10 and the inhabitants either went to bed or got in their SUVS and drove into Boston. For those of us that couldn’t afford to stay in a hotel, we just put some extra clothes on and went to sleep, naively believing that this America in the 21st century and that the power would be back sooner rather than later.

To cut a long story short, it wasn’t. For most of us, it didn’t come back until nearly three days later, although there were some surrounding towns that either lost nothing or spent several days huddled around a hastily purchased generator.

“Eastwick” officials, in their infinite wisdom, decided that providing some sort of emergency shelter was probably a good idea, mainly for the elderly and families whose entertainment systems had shut down. One presumes that this was all part of a well-thought out disaster plan, a scenario that had been discussed at length in the hallowed corridors of the local town hall.

To be fair, it was a good idea. It gave people somewhere to go, hot meals and coffee (saving us from the possibility of anarchy) and, the rumor was, it would have a Mobile Device Charging Point. The important thing to remember is that they never said that it would have lots of charging points…just one.

Anyone following my trail of breadcrumbs may have realized where the problem was going to lie in this plan.

Humanity can’t survive without mobile phones. To be fair, it seems that we also can’t survive without iPads, iPhones, laptops and mobile gaming systems. One charging point was always going to be subject to an undignified display of territorial pissing.

However, once again, the organizers of the “warming center” had thought of this. Yes, it was one point, but it had numerous power strips all connected to a central electrical outlet. More than enough, one would think for everyone to obey the simple 45-minute charging rule that was written in black ink on a sheet of A3 stuck to the wall.

There are no prizes for guessing that it wasn’t.

When I got there – having run my Windows phone down to it’s bare bones – the MDCP was covered in phones, tablets and laptops. Small children could be heard asking when their iPad would be ready, harassed parents spent their time trying to pretend that they weren’t breaking the 45-minute rule while unplugging any device that had a charger obstructing their access to a socket.

If it wasn’t anarchy, it was a fairly good impression. Mobile devices were charged, swapped around, delivered to small child – despite the fact that we were in a school, hence there were books to read! – and then the whole process would start again.

And in the middle of all this apparent chaos, a group of senior citizens sat quietly in their deck chairs and did something unusual…they engaged in conversation. Not one of them made their way to the MDCP, keeping warm was more important, a priority that seemed to be secondary to the younger residents of “Dobbs Mill,” most of whom wanted to know why they couldn’t use Facebook or play Angry Birds.

Three meals from anarchy? Try three hours with no mobile device…the decline of Western civilization is well and truly underway. And it took a blizzard in New England to make me realize that humanity may not be up to the challenge.

Yikes! Close call. Despite previous report, youngest was NOT eaten. Was actually wicker rocking chair. It was very dark and kerosene headlamp was malfunctioning.

Spent much of last evening dodging board game invitations from fellow survivors. Put end to “Yahtzee-pa-looza” be hiding three dice in cheeks (like Chipmunk). Swallowed first one around midnight. The others were most likely ingested around 3:00 AM while I was experiencing a nightmare involving the Seneca Casino in Salamanca NY and the Oscar Mayer wiener mobile.

More later.

Blizzard Journal, Day #4.5

Standing in line with approximately 60 weary castaways, for generator that local artisan has constructed out of palm branches and coconuts. He claims to be a survivalist who gained his knowledge from watching every episode of Gilligan's Island at least 70 times. Not sure if it will work but you can't beat the price. $40.

Wapatusset residents proved to be hearty and resourceful New Englanders during last weekend's historic snow storm. But cabin fever quickly swept through the small coastal community as heat and personal hygiene went out the window. While some took off to northern ski cabins, relatives' homes and 5-star hotels, others roughed it out in nearby cafes, desperately seeking warmth, wifi and a bit of "personal space" away from loved ones.

Tuesday, Feb 12

2:33 p.m. Fair Isle Ln: Noise complaint. Neighbor calls to report day #2 of screaming children next door. Sounds of “manic wailing." Officer advises parents to swap Chutes and Ladders and Candy Land board games for Apples to Apples instead.

Wednesday, Feb 13

5:34 p.m. Oak St: Woman calls to inquire about legality of eating roadkill. Claims neighbor has been cooking wild animals ("and possibly rabid raccoons") on gas grill and is afraid to let her pets outside. Says neighbor has "wild look in his eye." Animal control officer dispatched to scene.

Thursday, Feb 14

7:45 p.m. North Plain St: Well-being check. Power restored but resident still sitting in dark, reading by candlelight. Officer checks light switches and asks if cable and Internet have been restored. Resident confirms but requests "Don’t tell the kids.”

9. Mix several different kinds of shampoo together in a recycled bottle. Create an alluring name on a hand-written label.

10. Rather than the traditional orange-stuck-with-cloves, cut down your carbon footprint and find local fruit (like an aged crabapple) and decorate with fragrant alternative (Pakalolo stems, old TicTacs...) -- and/or bedazzle for the perfect hostess gift.

Got more ideas for hyper-local shopping? Leave in the Comments field below!

03/27/2011

Dr. F’s Ode to Spring:The first day of spring has been and past.The druids celebrated the Spring Equinox at Stonehenge,The robins returned and collected the winter yard debris for their nests,The daffodils sprung up in places you forgot you planted them.And the squirrels sensed the arrival of warmer climes and dug up the front yard for their hidden snacks.

…and then it hits. Buckets of snow! Frozen planters! WTF?

Terra Mater (Mother Nature) has pulled another fast one on us. From Dubuque to DC, Baltimore to Baton Rouge, this week the weather has been brutal.

Time to dig out the snow shovels, mittens, and ....well...it melted again! But, are we finally over with the frigid climes? Only Pachamama knows for sure.

Here are some handy spring-to-winter-to-spring weather precautions, just in case this isn't the last of the season:

Make spring chimes out of snow scrapers and snow brushes for easy access during whacky weather changes.

Mix the bird seed with the sidewalk sand; Sprinkle liberally for constant readiness for any season.

Install electric blanket under porch swing cushions; or just keep a few packets of “instant foot warmer” packets by the front door and slip one in each back pocket.

03/04/2011

Ten-day forecasts for regions throughout most of the United States call for colder than normal temperatures, icy conditions, Arctic blasts, depressingly grey skies, freezing rain, and everyone’s favorite: “wintry mix.” All this, combined with dirty snow banks and depression that lasts more the seven days, is sending some completely over the edge. Before you reach for the bottle or the Ben & Jerry’s, get your hands on a Happy Helmet. Express shipping available; underpaid customer service reps are working overtime to take your orders!

Here's a tech solution for busy people who simply don't have time for downtime. The Happy Helmet combats SAD(Seasonal Affective Disorder) at work, home or on the go. Simply attach the light box unit to your head and bring sunshine with you wherever you go.

The ultra-bright Happy Helmet light has two settings—10,000 and 15,000 lux. Simply place the helmet on your head, push a button and move about freely with daily activities. Conduct business meetings or run errands, all while getting your dose of Vitamin D for the day. The lithium polymer battery is rechargeable and the whole unit comes with a handy carrying case (monogrammed for an additional charge).

TESTIMONIALS:“My co-workers called me Debbie Downer for months, and no one wanted to have lunch with me. I just sat in my cubicle for weeks on end, listening to Gordon Lightfoot and popping St. John’s Wort. Now that I’ve found the Happy Helmet, my whole life has changed. I’m the hit of the office, and everyone loves my jokes.” – Helen W.

“To be honest, I haven’t seen a huge difference, but my wife says I’m more bearable to be around. My children don’t like me to wear the Happy Helmet out in public, especially to their sports games. I’m hoping they come out with a smaller model soon.” – Bill T.

The Happy Helmet is available for just 3 easy payments of $16.99, plus sales tax and shipping. To order, submit a request in the Comments section below.

Here's a tech solution for busy people who simply don't have time for downtime. The Happy Helmet combats SAD(Seasonal Affective Disorder) at work, home or on the go. Simply attach the light box unit to your head and bring sunshine with you wherever you go.

The ultra-bright Happy Helmet light has two settings—10,000 and 15,000 lux. Simply place the helmet on your head, push a button and move about freely with daily activities. Conduct business meetings or run errands, all while getting your dose of Vitamin D for the day. The lithium polymer battery is rechargeable and the whole unit comes with a handy carrying case (monogrammed for an additional charge).

TESTIMONIALS:

“My co-workers called me Debbie Downer for months, and no one wanted to have lunch with me. I just sat in my cubicle for weeks on end, listening to Gordon Lightfoot and popping St. John’s Wort. Now that I’ve found the Happy Helmet, my whole life has changed. I’m the hit of the office, and everyone loves my jokes.”– Helen W.

“To be honest, I haven’t seen a huge difference, but my wife says I’m more bearable to be around. My children don’t like me to wear the Happy Helmet out in public, especially to their sports games. I’m hoping they come out with a smaller model soon.”– Bill T.

The Happy Helmet is available for just 3 easy payments of $16.99, plus sales tax and shipping. To order, submit a request in the Comments section below.