Thursday, August 24, 2017

Eggshells or
Estrangement: Not Much of a Choice

Here
are two tales of estrangement. The first type is a parent cutting-off contact
with a child following a divorce also referred to as parental alienation. The
second is when an adult child ceases contact with a parent, sometimes for no
apparent reason. This is especially agonizing when grandchildren are involved.

Researchers
Gilligan, Suitor, and Pillemer‎’s studied estrangement and presented data in
the August 2015 edition of the Journal of Marriage and Family. One
conclusion based on data from 2,013 mother-adult child dyads states, "The
mother-daughter tie generally has been found to be the closest, most enduring,
and mutually supportive of all parent-child gender combinations.”

The Mother-Daughter Bond

Debora
is a fifty-three year old nurse practitioner and mother of five living in Boston.
She is estranged from her father and oldest brother, Jonathan. "My father
had a temper and needed medication for mood disorders but never got them. He verbally
abused my brother Mordy and me. After the divorce he said to us, "I don't
need you; go to your mother and don't sit shiva for me." Deborah recounted,
"I had such a lousy childhood because he stole it from me. The worst day
of each year was camp visiting day; I dreaded it. There’s no hope of
reconciliation and that is his loss. I might sit shiva for him though, because
he did give me life.

“After
my parents divorced, our house became a happy place. We coped by using humor, music
and we attended therapy sessions. We laughed and acted hyper in the kitchen every
night. We went through trauma together and got through it because my Mom,
Mordy, and I had each other. ‎No one deserves more credit than Mom. Can you
imagine the verbal and emotional abuse she endured and that she waited ten years
for her Get, but she never badmouthed
my father? She is selfless and kept all of her issues out of our view. At her recent
birthday celebration, I proclaimed, Not
only did my mother save our lives as drowning victims, she then taught us how
to swim.”

Deborah
described, "Our oldest brother was brainwashed by our father and turned
against us. I have the opposite perspective in describing Jonathan compared to
my father. My lack of connection with my brother hurts me and touches a place
deep in my heart. Ten years ago we were so scared because my brother was the
victim of a life-threatening car accident. Even though we were estranged, my
mother and I visited him in Massachusetts General Hospital. As we entered the
hospital we were petrified: what if we would lose him? I held in my hand, the
invitation to my wedding which would take place the following month, thinking
it would give him something to live for. Can you believe it? He was rude to us
and we felt no connection. Despite that I continued texting him for months to
say happy birthday or Shana Tova. There were no replies until one day he wrote
"don't text this number again." I admit, Dr. Singer, that I am quite
resentful, but I daven that he should get better. I think to myself, it is over two decades of this nonsense,just get over it!Don't carry this into the next generation;
get help and move on. It hurts because I care."

Debora
concludes, "I live each day of my life to the fullest. I thank Hashem and
appreciate that I have my large wonderful family. I run from arguments and
stress. Thanks to my mother, Mordy and I have the necessary coping skills."

Cut-Off by Your Adult
Child

To
understand an adult child estranging a parent requires the expertise of Dr.
Joshua Coleman author of When Parents
Hurt. He asserts, "You can be a good parent and still end up with a
child who wants nothing to do with you." Many parents have little or no
contact with their adult children due to reasons that have less to do with poor
parenting and more to do with issues of child temperament, the influence of a
domineering spouse, or the fallout from parents who divorce. In my experience,
a significant number of adult children who cut off contact with their parents
are those described by the parent as "good” children who were not
rebellious and did well in school.

What’s
at the core of this type of estrangement? Blaming parents is one way to direct
the blame away from the self and
maintain a sense of self-esteem. Pathologizing their parents may be the only
way to reduce the guilt or anxiety they feel about constructing a life without
their parents involved.

During
a Skype counseling session, Judy, a Houston-based real estate agent revealed to
me, that her adult daughter will not accept any phone calls or texts from her. Her
daughter sees a therapist weekly who likely nurtures this emotional cut-off.
‎Her emails end with Do Not Initiate
Contact. “Do you know how much that hurts me?” Judy adds, "I really can’t
think of a reason why this estrangement started in the first place."

I
advise parents who I counsel to tread cautiously and if necessary walk on eggshells. ‎The real reason is the
pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: your future grandchildren. You do not
want to do anything to jeopardize your connection to your precious future
generations.

When
parents believe that it's all their own fault Coleman maintains, "Don't
give your child all the power in this discussion. You did the best that you
could in parenting. If your child won't move forward, you move forward.‎ Simply
ask your children, "What did I miss when raising you?" and then
state: “whatever it is, I'm sorry."

I
extrapolated nine action steps from Coleman's writings:

1.
Do not sugar-coat it if you blew it as a parent. The more honest you are,
the more credibility you will gain.

‎2.
If there is only a kernel of truth in your child's complaint, speak to that
kernel.

3.
Avoid guilt trips, they don’t work.

4.
Hear your child out, don’t be defensive.

5.
Don't give up too soon. You may need to reach out for a long time before you
see an improvement in the relationship.

6.
Avoid giving unsolicited advice.

7.
If you don't want to (or cannot) give money or help, say it in a loving way so
it does not appear to be a complaint or a criticism.

8.‎
Don't criticize your child's spouse or significant other.

9.
Don't tell your child how to parent. You had your turn; let him/her have a turn.

Cut-Offs are a Form of Giving-Up

Colorado therapist
Michele W. Davis is a colleague and an inspiration. At an in-service for
couples therapist's she urged: If you want to help couples reconnect and have
hope, you have to walk the talk. Don't
allow yourself to have emotional cut-offs in your life. ‎Don't give yourself
permission to quit speaking to a parent, sibling, or a child. Don't give up on
any difficult relationship. Emotional cut-offs are a form of giving up. They happen when you tell
yourself that nothing will ever change and you’re better off safe than sorry.
Even if you feel safer, you know that there is a sadness which goes along with
giving up and it is ever-present. Life eventually gives all of us important opportunities
to learn how to rise above adversity.

The navi best expresses the hopes
of Klal Yisrael: “Behold, I will send you Eliyahu HaNavi before the coming of
the great and awesome day of Hashem. And He shall turn the hearts of the
parents to the children and the hearts of the children to their parents” (Malachi
3:23-24).

Dr. Alan Singer, a marriage therapist
since 1980, has an 80% success rate in
saving marriages of couples on the brink. He counsels via Skype, blogs at FamilyThinking.com,
and is the author of Creating Your Perfect
Family Size (Wiley). His motto: I am the last person in the
room to give up on your marriage.Married for 39 years, he and his wife
are the parents of four grown children. He serves on the
National Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapistsdralansinger@gmail.com
(732) 572-2707

On Sale Now!

Creating Your Perfect Family Size by: Dr. Alan Singer

Therapist: 38 years of experience as a Couples Therapist.80% success rate in saving marriages on the brink. Offices in Brooklyn, N.Y. and Highland Park, N.J.Specialties: marital rescue after infidelity, reviving empty nester marriages, family size decisions, and co-parenting implementerColumnist: The Home News TribuneAuthor: Creating Your Perfect Family Size: How to Make an Informed Decision About Having a Baby (Wiley 2011)

Motivated by the sad statistic that two thirds of divorcing couples don’t receive one hour of counseling, Dr. Singer has been a marriage therapist since 1980 and he counsels couples using Skype and Google+. He serves on the speakers bureau of the National Council of Young Israel, is a mental health provider for Relief Resources and is listed on the National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists. In addition, he serves as a recovery therapist for the Beyond Affairs Network. twitter.com/DrAlanSinger.

Married for 40 years, Dr. Singer and his wife are the parents of four grown children. He has conducted numerous broadcast and print interviews including: USA Today, Fox Morning News, MSNBC.com & Huffington Post.

His mantra: I Am The Last Person In The Room To Give Up On Your Marriage.