“We need a commander in chief who will make us proud of the vote we made,” said Christie. “Who will not embarrass us.”

Yeah, well, we also need one who won’t shut down bridges just to get even in a political fight. When I die, if the first words I hear are, “Ma’am, you are stuck on a bridge on carpool day with five hungry, tired, thirsty second graders who constantly need to go to the bathroom,” I will know I didn’t make it to heaven.

If “what do you want me to do, go get a mop?” is a reasonable answer, the question was probably not phrased with enough cuss words.

And Rubio is also emphasizing that he won’t embarrass us. Four words: too late – those boots.

Let’s say you’re a typical Iowa Republican, which means you’re already used to receiving bad report cards all your life, especially in reading comprehension and social studies. You revere the Constitution, but don’t actually know what it says, like Ben Carson.

And then you receive this in the mail:

Oh my god, you think, they got me! You’re not sure for what, but you’ve heard the drumbeat about rampant voter fraud requiring more restrictions that, if they were on your gun, you’d shoot somebody, but this votey-crime stuff is only supposed to happen to blah people, not you! Then you open it up and see this:

You loser! You avoided voting just because of the study involved, and you homeskuled your kids to save them just this kind of dumb-shaming, and yet here are your voting grades for ANYone to look at. You’d better get out and vote next week before semester grades come out.

You’ve heard me time and again tell you that politics is a con job, meant to separate the credulous from their votes, by playing on their fear and ignorance. You’ve heard me say over and over that no political operative ever went broke by underestimating the political IQ of the American electorate.

Here is exhibit A.

And what does Ted Cruz say when he’s caught? Basically, the end – increased voter turnout – justifies the means – fraud – and what are YOU gonna do about it, huh?

Hey, kids! It’s time once again to play everybody’s favorite quadrennial salon game: Guess Who’s Going to Win Iowa!

The rules are simple: predict the final outcomes including order of finish and percentage of vote for both the Democratic and Republican Iowa Presidential Caucuses. Whoever comes closest by FOX News debate invitation rules (ie I eyeball it and arbitrarily acclaim a winner) will win the admiration of your fellows and the right to add this to your resume.

Remember, folks, that while the GOP caucuses work in the staid traditional manner of a private ballot, the Democrats host raucus games of red rover, where you physically stand in an area designated for your team. If a candidate has less than 15% of any individual caucus group, (I’m looking at you, Martin!) then they have to leave or re-apportion among the other Democratic candidates.

My cousin, Jesus Hachecristo, had been looking into the sovereign citizen movement because he heard that he could get out of a traffic ticket if he just filed the right papers with the court. This intrigued me, because I am a law-abiding citizen, except when it comes to the road, that Darwinian jungle. Just for future reference, if you’re driving in the state of Ohio, the left lane belongs to me by right of conquest. I’m not sayin’; I’m just sayin’.

But it turns out there’s a lot more to this movement than meets the eye: not only can you free yourself from the tyranny of tyrannical tyrants as a sovereign citizen, you can also tap into millions of dollars that already belong to you! Or, more accurately, to YOU.

You see, you are not YOU. YOU is the name on your birth certificate, or your drivers license, or on every piece of paper the IRS sends to you. Check it out, I’ll wait. Notice how your name is in all capital letters? That’s YOU. YOU was created on the day you were born, and a trust fund valued somewhere between $600,000 and $20 million has been appropriated by the government in YOUR name as some sort of shell corporation for you. I didn’t quite grok the reason they did that, and the discrepancy between the low and high payouts has to do with which sovereign citizen you talk too, but they are all 100% sure it’s there, and they are all 100% sure that even if it belongs to YOU, you can get your hands on it.

The government can do this because the country was founded on common law, but was secretly switched over to admiralty law, either during the Civil War, or more probably, during FDR’s term when sovereign citizens think we went off the gold standard, which actually happened under Nixon. You can tell we are under admiralty law because the decorative gold fringe on many US flags is actually an indication of our bondage to the naval nation.

At this point of the lesson, I stopped Jesus and asked him if he’d been chugging home-made mescal. The whole thing sounded like a disjointed bunch of conspiracy mcnuggets, but he assured me he was sober, and as my auto insurance is way too high, I let him go on.

Which I immediately regretted, because it seems that the only way to tap into these things is by some not-yet-discovered Kabbalistic mish mosh of the right phraseology, the right paper, the right punctuation, the right ink, the right citations, the inspissated blood of a patriot and a twist of lime. In fact, the more he went on, the more it sounded like somebody decided that alchemy was passé (especially now that we’re off the gold standard) and that the true money-making magic could only be unlocked by a quasi-Constitutional incantation, splitting yourself in half so that the true you can play Bird Hall Putsch in wintry wildlife sanctuaries, while corporation shell YOU still has to foot the bill or be keelhauled under the secret maritime law of evil America.

It’s Hogwarts for people who want free money and no responsibility.

And this is why you can’t reason with the Cliven and Ammon Bundy’s of this world. There IS no negotiation which can result in them recognizing the authority of the country in which they live because they are not citizens of that country, they are citizens of themselves. Therefore, they expect to make money as ranchers without paying for grazing rights on federal property at a 90% discount from private fees. They can only achieve their God-promised success if the government GIVES them stuff. But they don’t believe in government handouts, so the government must therefore have STOLEN the giveaways in the first place.

In the end, Jesus recognized the futility of a belief system based on a stuck CapsLock key and a decorative fringe. But for the now-dead LaVoy Finicum, whose government handout ended when they took away the herd of foster kids he turned to when that cattle thing wasn’t working out, that realization never came. Or maybe it did, and that’s why he chose suicide by cop.

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About

Welcome to The World's Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc.

My name is Susan DuQuesnay Bankston. I live in Richmond, Texas, in the heart of Tom DeLay's old district. It's nuttier than squirrel poop here.

I am honored and privileged to know Miss Juanita Jean Herownself, hairdresser extraordinary and political maven. Since she does not have time to fiddle with this internet stuff, I type her website for her and you can read it if you want to. If you don't, she truly does not give a big bear's butt.

A lot of what I post here has to do with local politics, but you probably have the same folks in your local government.

This ain't a blog. Blogs are way too trendy for me. This is a professional political organization.