The 10 Greatest Tinned Foods of All Time

Okay look, don’t freak out but I had a premonition the other day about there being a nuclear war, and when I say I had a premonition I mean I had a dream, and when I say that I’m sort of lying about that too. I didn’t even have a dream, it was more of a passing thought for the sake of this piece. What I’m trying to say is that nuclear war probably won’t happen any time soon and if it did I don’t think it would be because I’d made it happen with my mind. If that was the case, we’re totally fucked anyway, so just chill out while I blow stuff up. Anyway I have no idea where any of this is going except in the direction of a list of the GREATEST TINNED GOODS EVER that you could feast on in your nuclear bunker while the rest of the planet looked on forlornly and slowly starved to death. Or you could share it. Whatever… feel free to add your own in the comments bit.

Heinz Taste of Home Indulgent Chocolate Pudding

I’ve probably had this eight times in the last couple of years and every time I’ve made a big song and dance about how if I was served it in a top Michelin Starred restaurant it’d be fine by me. In fact just last week I took one bite, turned to my lady and said: “you know what? …” “YES I FUCKING KNOW!” she shouted. I think she’s having a tough time at work or something probably.

Princes Corned Beef

The general trend with tinned meats is that you shouldn’t bother with them because they’re all full of the weird off-cuts like a pig’s sliced-up balls or tits or its erect penis. The exception is corned beef which is made of sirloin steak and you can fry it up with some onions, spuds and gravy to make a tasty dinner fit for a king. You’ll literally be the most popular guy in the bunker and all the chicks will probably give you blow-jays.

Branston Baked Beans

I’ve spend most of my life playing games of Mallet’s Mallet and shouting PICKLE whenever anyone says BRANSTON, but over the last few years that’s all changed and now I occasionally shout BEANS instead and Timmy Mallet then has no option but to hit himself in the face with a hammer shattering his rainbow glasses. Poor bastard. Anyway these have been going strong for almost ten years now, and they’re particularly good on toast, which is essentially the same thing as grilled bread to any French readers.

Ambrosia Rice Pudding

Okay, role-play. You’ve been in your bunker for a week, you’ve got corned beef hash coming out of your ears. Too savory, you tell yourself, way too goddam savory. You need something sweet to remind of life before the violence, before the devastation, before The Others, before you started wearing bandanas. You reach into your manbag from The Gap to find a tin of Ambrosia Rice Pudding and everyone starts weeping tears of joy, it’s a beautiful stolen moment in the middle of a depressing nuclear war. You whisper at them all to fuck off as you eat it alone using your hands. Oh right. I didn’t realize you were playing the bad guy.

Heinz Tomato Soup

When I was a lad back in the 1940s we used to play with unexploded bombs during the morning then eat this for lunch with bread and butter, then we’d draw stocking lines on the backs of our legs and go hunting for hot GIs to have unprotected sex with. It was a much more innocent time.

John West Tuna Steak in Brine

This John West guy has totally cornered the market when it comes to tinned fish – he does the lot. You can get anchovies, trout, sea breams in sunflower oil, barracudas in reggae reggae sauce, peacock bass in fresh horseradish, amberjack floating in volvic, blue marlin in brandy. Literally anything you can imagine. Red snapper in tonic water. He does that. The real feather in his cap, though, is tuna in brine which goes really well on toast with a bit of mayo and some gherkins. I’ve literally just described my lunch today.

Campbell’s Cream of Chicken Soup

I learned two things on my first day as a teenage waiter at Regents Park College Oxford in 1992. Firstly that old cooks shout stuff like “ahh sweet sixteen and never been gang banged!” at new waiters, and secondly that this thick chicken soup can double up as a million different sauces that go with absolutely anything. In my year or so in the job it was described as “carbonara”, “cream sauce”, “mushroom sauce”, “white sauce”, “cheese sauce”, “special sauce”, “luxury sauce”, “sauce sauce”, “beige sauce”, “nice sauce”, “cool sauce”, “sauce”. It was never called “chicken soup”.

Batchelor’s Mushy Peas

Everyone’s livid this week because reports say we should all be eating more fruit and veg – what an absolute nightmare for everyone, no wonder people go to war and smash shit up. The only upside to this hopeless new information is that it means you can eat another two tins of this and feel good about yourself. Every cloud… has a silver lining. Every cloud has a silver lining.

Glenryck Pilchards

The first time you open a tin of pilchards you’ll throw your head back like a cop coming across a long dead corpse, you might even have to hold a wall while you puke in a bin or down a wall. Don’t worry though, after a few months of daily action you’ll have stopped barfing and you’ll realize that these are surprisingly good with scrambleds and a mug o’ splosho.

Del Monte Peach Slices

There isn’t a single occasion that wouldn’t be improved by someone turning up with a bowl of tinned peaches for everyone to eat. Marinate on that thought for a few minutes, then if you can think of anything leave your suggestions in the comments bit. I look forward to not hearing from you soon.

Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.