Sunday, January 13, 2013

Il trovatore, Act III

Previous installments: Act I, Act IIAct III: The Son of the Gypsy
Woman

Scene I:
The Count di Luna's camp, outside the walls of Castellor. There are a bunch of soldiers sitting
around and gambling. Ferrando enters.

The Soldiers:
BOY WE SURE DO LOVE FUCKING
AROUND INSTEAD OF DOING OUR JOBS

Ferrando:
You guys are assholes. Why aren't you helping with the siege?

The Soldiers:
We'll join the fight when we're needed.

[A
group of archers walks across the stage.]

The Archers:
… oh god … so much blood …

The Soldiers:
See? They can handle it just
fine.

Ferrando:
Well, the Count has decided that we're storming the castle tomorrow
morning. Participation is mandatory.

The Soldiers:
But we don't wannaaaaaaa

Ferrando: Tough
shit. On a happier note, we have reason to believe that Castellor
holds a significant amount of booty, which will be ours for the
taking once we get inside.

The Soldiers: This booty of which you speak. Is it, perchance, rockin' errywhere?

Ferrando:
To the best of my knowledge, it's mostly just sitting there. But
there's a fuckload of it!

The Soldiers:
WOOO THEN LET'S GO GET SOME

Everyone: SOUND
THE TRUMPET MOTHERFUCKERS BECAUSE IT'S GO
TIME

[They
run offstage to start preparing for the assault. The Count enters,
looking broody.]

Di
Luna: I
SEE YOU OCCUPYING CASTELLOR WITH THE GIRL I LOVE

AND
I'M LIKE “FUCK YOUUUU”

The
Audience: Ooh
ooh ooh!

Di
Luna: There's
only one solution to my problem – I need to storm the castle and
murder everyone
before Leonora can marry Manrico!

The
Audience:
Everyone?

Di
Luna:
Well, everyone except Leonora.
Obviously.

[There's
a commotion offstage. Ferrando rushes in.]

Ferrando:
SIR OUR SENTRIES CAUGHT A GYPSY

Di
Luna:
OH MAN I HATE
GYPSIES

Ferrando:
I KNOW RIGHT

Di
Luna: What
was she doing?

Ferrando:
She was lurking around the edges of the camp like a total creeper, so
she's clearly a spy. Also, she's probably a witch because that's how
gypsies roll.

Di
Luna:
Well, duh.

[Several
soldiers drag Azucena onstage.]

Azucena:
GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY SPANIARDS

Di
Luna:
Bring her over here so that we can see her face better, for reasons
that have no significance whatsoever to the plot.

The
Audience:
Does she look familiar, Ferrando?

Ferrando:
Not particularly. Why do you ask?

The
Audience: No
reason.

Di
Luna:
What were you doing skulking around our camp?

Azucena:
Nothing. I'm a gypsy; we wander.

Di
Luna:
Bullshit. Where do you come from?

Azucena:
I live in the mountains near Biscay.

Di
Luna: A
gypsy from Biscay? That sounds vaguely familiar for some reason.

Ferrando:
Waaaaaaaaaaaait
a minute.

Azucena:
I was perfectly happy there until my ungrateful son abandoned me to
chase after some hussy, so now I'm stalking him. Because that's what
good parents do.

Ferrando:
HOLY CRAP HER FACE

The
Audience:
Took you long enough, jackass.

Di
Luna:
Say, would you happen to know anything about a kidnapping that
happened near Biscay about fifteen years ago?

Azucena:
Nnnnnope. Definitely not.

The
Audience: Wait
– it's only been fifteen years?

Verdi:
Yeah, why?

The
Audience:
So that means that Manrico is only, like... sixteen or seventeen?

Verdi:
Apparently.

The
Audience: Then
why'd you write the role so that no one under thirty-five can sing
it?

Verdi:
Because fuck you, that's why.

Azucena:
Sooooo why do you want to know about this abducted baby, anyway?

Di
Luna:
BECAUSE HE WAS MY BROTHER

Azucena:
OH SHIT

Di
Luna:
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE KIDNAPPING

Azucena:
I'M TOTALLY POSITIVE NOW CAN I GO FIND MY SON

Ferrando:
NNNOPE

Azucena:
OH NOOOO

Ferrando:
SHE'S TOTALLY THE ONE WHO MURDERED YOUR BABY BROTHER

The
Soldiers: WHAAAAAT

Di
Luna:
YEAH THANKS I HAD ALREADY FIGURED THAT OUT

Azucena:
IT'S NOT TRUE IT WASN'T ME

Di
Luna:
SHUT YOUR LYING GYPSY MOUTH

The
Soldiers:
YEAH

Azucena:
MANRICOOOOOOOO PLEASE COME HELP YOUR POOR CAPTURED MOTHER

Di
Luna:
Holy shit. You're Manrico's mother?

Azucena:
Yeah. Why?

The
Audience:
Aaaand you just gave Count di Luna some pretty major leverage against
your son. Way to go, you dumb bitch.

Di
Luna:
Today just keeps getting better and better!

Azucena:
LET
ME GO

Di
Luna:
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Azucena:
WELL GOD IS GOING TO PUNISH YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE AN EVEN BIGGER DOUCHE
THAN YOUR FATHER WAS

The
Audience: You
know who else God's gonna punish? People
who set babies on fire.

Azucena:
You're not helping.

Di
Luna: Soooo
here's the plan. I'm gonna torture the shit
out of you in front of the walls of Castellor, and then I'm going to
burn you at the stake. And if your son wants to save you, he'll have
to come out from behind those big strong walls and fight my whole goddamn army.

Azucena:
… shit.

[Di
Luna, overjoyed, starts doing a Happy Revenge Dance.]

Di
Luna:
Doot de doot de dooo

Gonna
avenge my brother's murder

Bow
chicka chicka haaaaay

The
Audience:
Hey, do you know what dramatic irony is?

Di
Luna:
Nnnnope.

The
Audience: Yeah,
we didn't think so.

[The Count
resumes his dance.]

Ferrando
and the Soldiers:
HELL YEAH LET'S BUILD US A MOTHERFUCKING PYRE

[They
drag Azucena offstage.]

Scene II: A
hall in Castellor, where Manrico and Leonora are preparing for their
wedding. Ruiz, Manrico's second-in-command and all-around BFF, is
also present.

Leonora:
[looking out the window]
I hear the sounds of battle! What's going on?

Manrico: Uh...
did you miss the part where the Count di Luna and his entire
fucking army are laying
siege to the city?

Leonora:
Apparently.

Manrico:
Wow. Good thing I'm not marrying you for your brains.

Leonora: What?

Manrico:
Nothing. In any case, I'm
expecting them to mount a full-scale assault tomorrow morning.

Leonora: Oh
noooooooo

Manrico:
But it's okay! We'll triumph anyway – they may be a larger,
stronger, better-equipped force, but we have justice
on our side!

The Audience:
Yeah, that's gonna work out
great for you.

Manrico:
Well, justice and some pretty huge walls. Yes sir, as long as we stay
inside the castle and don't do anything stupid – like, say, going
out and engaging them in open combat – there's no way
we can lose!

The Audience:[sigh]

Manrico:[to Ruiz]
Anyway, I'm just going to leave the entire defense of the castle in
your capable hands.

Ruiz:
But... you're the commander.

Manrico:
Don't sass me, Ruiz. I'm about to get married! That's much
more important than making sure we all survive the coming onslaught.

Ruiz:
grumble grumble

[Ruiz
leaves.]

Leonora:
You know, maybe we don't have to get married right this instant. All
this talk of war and stuff is kinda killing the mood.

The Audience:
In a manner of speaking.

Manrico:
Hush, darling. Just let the men-folk worry about that.

Leonora:
And what should I think about instead?

Manrico:
You know, womanly things. Love and rainbows and unicorns and stuff.
Better yet, think about how lucky you are to be marrying a
sixteen-year-old paragon of manliness like me!

Leonora:
But –

Manrico:
Oh, and there's a pretty significant possibility that I might die in
battle. But if I do, just remember that I'm doing it for you!