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Area Schlub Sleeps His Way to the Top

Oliver: working hard or hardly conscious?

New York, NY — Area schlub Matthew Oliver has slept his way to becoming his company's CEO, sources say.

Oliver reportedly fast tracked his way up the corporate ladder after purchasing a package of large frozen calzones from Costco. The giant, carbohydrate-loaded pockets of cheese, which he slightly undercooked and brought to work every day, induced an uncontrollable drowsiness that hit just before his mid-afternoon meetings.

After a nap on Wednesday that extended from 1:30 to 4:45pm, the modern-day Rip Van Winkle discovered he had been promoted to the head of his department, despite relatively mediocre performance that year.

“Matthew is a real team player who focuses on letting other people shine,” said John Pelham, a senior manager at the company, patting the sleeping Oliver on the back. “And he never interrupts people when they speak, unlike Tina over here,” Pelham added, pointing to a female employee at the company who had spoken once in the past month.

Later, after eating a Three Cheese calzone with marinara sauce, the oafish Oliver slept through his second client meeting, resulting in a $3.2 million loss for his company. He was awarded “Employee of the Month” and promoted to senior VP.

At press time, Tina had been passed over for a promotion for the third time.