Friday, July 31, 2009

John Daly is getting his own reality show on The Golf Channel. It was either that or Animal Planet.

Joba Chamberlain struck out five batters in an electrifying win over the Tampa Bay Rays. It looks like the Yankees’ cheeseburgers for strikeouts policy is finally paying off.

Reggie Bush has broken up with Kim Kardashian due to her constant need to be in the spotlight. At least that’s what he said at her press conference.

Rodney King has expressed interest in participating in a celebrity boxing bout. If nothing else, he certainly knows how to take a punch.

Yankees pitcher Chien-Ming Wang is scheduled to undergo season-ending surgery on his right shoulder. As every man knows, there’s nothing worse than having a useless Wang.

Jessica Simpson plans to release a new fragrance inspired by Tony Romo. We didn’t realize you could capture disappointment in a bottle.

The Red Sox have fallen three and a half games behind the New York Yankees. Frankly, it’s hard to blame them for wanting to keep their distance from Alex Rodriguez.

Stephon Marbury has admitted that he recently saw Jesus in his shower. Frankly we’re not sure if he was referring to the Messiah or to his Mexican gardener.

The New York Yankees have gone 40-21 ever since Alex Rodriguez began dating Kate Hudson. Just imagine how unstoppable they could be if Joe Girardi hooked up with Goldie Hawn.

The Pirates have traded All-Star second baseman Freddy Sanchez to the Giants for yet another pitching prospect. For those of you keeping track at home, Pittsburgh now has more prospects than a hot chick at a Star Trek convention.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Rick, Sulphur Springs, TXSubj: The straw that stirs the drinkIs it true that Reggie Jackson went to university on a football scholarship?

That’s correct, Rick. Mr. October was a phenomenal multi-sport star who accepted a scholarship to play football at Arizona State University. However, Jackson never warmed up to the team’s intense regimen and he quit the squad and returned to his first love of baseball following his freshman year. It proved to be a savvy decision and by 1966 he was named College Player of the Year by The Sporting News. Kansas City Athletics owner Charlie Finley was so impressed with Jackson’s exploits that he selected him second overall in the 1967 Major League Baseball amateur draft and offered him a $95,000 signing bonus. Jackson happily accepted the offer and left college to enter the world of professional baseball.

Monday, July 27, 2009

The San Antonio Spurs have signed Theo Ratliff. The singing fulfills the team’s annual obligation of having at least one player older than dust.

Gary Sheffield is headed to the DL. Things have gotten so dire for the Mets that their mascot is now hitting cleanup.

A Japanese firm has developed a robot that can throw and hit. In many ways it’s just like Alex Rodriguez but with considerably more depth.

A toy company plans to release a figurine of ESPN sports newscaster Erin Andrews. The news is being celebrated around the country by men who desperately want to see her naked but can’t afford an Internet connection.

Lance Armstrong finished in third place at the Tour De France. It’s just as well. No one really looks good in yellow anyhow.

The Chicago Cubs have moved into first place atop the NL Central. In related news, Hell is expected to freeze over at 4:35 this afternoon.

Terrell Owens wants Michael Vick to be reinstated immediately by the NFL, and said any extension of his suspension would be similar to "kicking a dead horse." Or in Vick’s case, a dead dog.

Shaquille O'Neal’s wife was involved in a minor fender bender. Something tells us she’s experienced much worse in the bedroom.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are expected to choose a head coach soon. At least 30 qualified candidates are hoping it won’t be them.

Roger Federer has become the father of twins. The two girls are expected to crack the world doubles rankings within a week.

Pittsburgh State football player Joe Windscheffel will miss the upcoming season after being attacked by a zebra. The long layoff could be a blessing as Windscheffel is expected to be skittish around referees for at least 12 months.

Phil Mickelson has put in a bid to buy 105 Waffle Houses. He got the idea after watching John Daly eat in all of them earlier that morning.

Swin Cash set a new WNBA record by scoring 22 points at the league’s All-Star game. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s one point for everyone who actually watched the game.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Charles, Akron, OHSubj: What’s in a name?How did “Cy” Young get his nickname?

Denton True Young had his nickname bestowed upon him in his teens when he tried out for a Canton, Ohio minor league baseball team. According to legend, the catcher assigned to warm him up was so impressed by the velocity of his fastball that he immediately renamed him “Cyclone.” Local reporters eventually shortened the moniker to “Cy” and Young’s identity was forged for the rest of his life. According to Young himself, the secret to his extraordinary success may have been a matter of genetics. “All us Youngs could throw,” he once said. “I used to kill squirrels with a stone when I was a kid, and my granddad once killed a turkey buzzard on the fly with a rock.”

Monday, July 20, 2009

Jamie Moyer pitched a one-hitter against the Florida Marlins. It’s an especially impressive accomplishment since Florida wasn’t even a state when he began his career.

Padres second baseman Edgar Gonzalez was hospitalized after being hit in the head by a 93 mph pitch. For the record, Gonzalez is hitting just .190 this season, but his head is hitting 1.000.

The U.S. beat the Netherlands 7-2 in the first game of the Softball World Cup. In their defense, many of the Dutch players spent the first five innings with their fingers in a dyke.

A 17-year-old Southern Californian has become the youngest person to sail around the world alone. Sadly, it wasn’t by choice.

New Washington Nationals manager Jim Riggleman has held his first team meeting, ran his first practice and presided over his first news conference. All that remains now is to lose his first game.

Bud Selig is still examining Pete Rose's application for reinstatement. The delay actually works in Rose’s favor since he bet the commissioner it would take him until August to reach an announcement.

Derek Jeter is in the process of building the largest home in Tampa Bay. The palatial estate is expected to have 300 bedrooms in case all of his girlfriends show up at once.

Lou Piniella recently had a five minute meeting with President Barack Obama. It was actually supposed to be a ten minute meeting until Piniella began bumping him in the chest and kicking dirt on his trousers.

Eric Musselman has declined an offer to coach basketball in Russia. Brave move. The last guy who turned down a group of Russians ended up spending eternity in the trunk of a Cadillac Coupe de Ville.

Tom Watson came in second place at the British Open. It’s an impressive finish for a man who’s so old he gets nostalgic every time he watches Ben-Hur.

The Pittsburgh Pirates are hoping to trade shortstop Jack Wilson and second baseman Freddy Sanchez. Anyone with pitching prospects, infielders or a handful of magic beans is encouraged to inquire within.

81-year-old Hershel McGriff recently became the oldest driver to compete in a NASCAR race. He probably could have won too if he didn’t have to stop every three miles to use the washroom.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Doug, Idaho Falls, IDSubj: Hammerin’ HankA buddy of mine told me that Hank Aaron got cut from the Brooklyn Dodgers. Is that actually true or is he just making it up?

Your friend was giving you the straight dope. Aaron attended a Dodgers tryout camp in 1949 when he was just 15-years-old. Unfortunately he was unable to overcome his nerves and inexperience and the club passed him over in favor of several more mature prospects. Undeterred by the incident, Aaron kept persisting and he was signed two years later to a local semi-pro team called the Mobile Black Bears. The club was made up of grown men who worked during the week and Aaron earned between three and five dollars a game depending upon the quality of his performance. It wasn’t much, but it allowed him to perfect his game and he soon signed with the Indianapolis Clowns who in turn sold him to the Boston Braves, hence beginning his Major League career.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. In this week’s installment we take aim at Prince Fielder, Ozzie Guillen, the Pittsburgh Pirates, Anderson Varejao, Shaquille O’Neal, Mark Cuban, Lance Armstrong and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

Monday, July 13, 2009

The Washington Nationals have fired manager Manny Acta. The news comes as a shock to many baseball observers who assumed the team was being managed by a punch drunk chimpanzee.

The Oakland A’s plan to retire Ricky Henderson’s number 24 jersey. The ceremony will be part of a larger event that will also include the retirement of Mark McGwire’s pill case and Jose Canseco’s syringe set.

The NBA has announced that league-wide revenue rose 2.5 percent from last season. The number is somewhat misleading, however, as most of that money was made from fining Mark Cuban.

The running of the bulls is now underway in Pamplona, Spain. We haven’t seen this many terrified white guys since Barack Obama was elected.

The Cleveland Cavaliers plan to give Anderson Varejao a $50 million contract. $45 million will be for playing basketball and $5 million will be for attending children’s parties dressed as Sideshow Bob.

The Toronto Blue Jays have released struggling reliever B.J. Ryan. Seldom has a B.J. sucked so much.

Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder helped defeat the Cardinals with an infield single. The last time he ran that fast there was an ice cream truck involved.

The Pirates are interested in trading All-Star second baseman Freddy Sanchez to the Giants for left-handed starter Jonathan Sanchez. The trade is particularly appealing to Pittsburgh since they won’t even need to buy a new jersey.

Rockets guard Tracy McGrady plans to change his uniform number to three. The number represents both his "3 points Darfur" initiative as well as the number of times he expects be on the injured reserve next season.

Former Major League All-Star Delino DeShields is currently working as a hitting coach in Montana. It’s unclear whether DeShields hopes to one day become a manager or if he simply lost a bet.

Lance Armstrong has moved into third place at the Tour de France. The French haven’t been this upset since Jerry Lewis announced he was retiring.

Ron Artest plans to wear No. 37 this season because that was the number of weeks Michael Jackson’s Thriller topped the record charts. It will certainly look better than 00, which is the number of people who bought Artest’s last album.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Nate, San Marcos, TXSubj: Fore! God and countryIt seems like every American president from the past 50 years has been a golfer. Who is the best of the bunch?

That honor belongs to John F. Kennedy, an exceptional all-around athlete who possessed a seven handicap during his prime. Kennedy’s real strength was his long, smooth swing which was nearly as beautiful as some of the women he snuck into the White House. Although Kennedy may have been the Oval Office’s best golfer, the most passionate duffer was probably Gerald Ford. The nation’s 38th president was the first person to join the United States Golf Association (USGA) members program and he routinely worked on refining his game with pros like Jack Nicklaus, Hale Irwin and Dave Stockton. Of course, just because he was passionate doesn’t mean he was any good. Ford was famous for accidentally hitting spectators with wayward shots and he once capped off a memorable appearance at the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic by telling the media, "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I'm delighted to announce that my celebrity profile on U.S. Open champion Andy Roddick is now online. Learn more about his epic matches with Roger Federer and his recent marriage to smokin’ swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker by clicking here.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Joe Dumars has said he’d like to have a new coach for the Pistons by July 7. It’s nice to know that at least one company in Detroit is still hiring.

Randy Johnson could be headed to the DL with a strained shoulder. No word yet on whether he also pulled his Big Unit.

The Jazz are interested in trading Carlos Boozer. It certainly won’t be the first time that a Boozer has been forced out of Salt Lake City.

Titans quarterback Vince Young says he’s been hit hard by the death of Steve McNair. In all fairness, we think it probably hit Steve McNair a little harder.

Daniel and Henrik Sedin have agreed to identical five-year contract extensions with the Vancouver Canucks. In fact, the contracts look so much alike that only their parents can tell them apart.

A game between San Diego and Houston was delayed by 52 minutes when a swarm of bees took over left field at Petco Park. Apparently not even God wanted to see another Padres game.

The Cleveland Indians have traded minor league pitcher John Meloan to the Tampa Bay Rays for righthander Winton Abreu. If you’ve heard of either of these players you officially watch too much baseball.

Lance Armstrong finished 10th in the opening stage of the Tour de France: just good enough to make doping officials suspicious, but not so good as to completely piss off the French.

Roger Clemens' lawyer says the pitcher was not among the more than 100 players who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003. Unfortunately Clemens did test positive for being a douchebag every year from 1984 onwards.

Washington Nationals pitcher Joe Beimel has said he’d like to go to another team. In all fairness, Washington’s entire front office has also said the same thing.

Swiss sensation Roger Federer has won his sixth Wimbledon title. However, Federer did have a major advantage since his racket also turned into a knife, a bottle opener and a compass.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Rick, Fairfield, NCSubj: Mel Blount Where is former Steelers great Mel Blount now?

A member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame, Blount currently oversees The Mel Blount Youth Home of Pennsylvania, a multi-service treatment program for young males who are victims of child abuse and neglect. According to Blount, his inspiration for the idea came from a higher power. "There had never been a pro athlete to come out of my town, so when I would go back home, my nieces and nephews would tell their friends about Uncle Mel coming,” he says. “All the kids would be out there on the farm, wanting to take a picture or throw the football. The Lord spoke to me and said you could do more than this." And he did. Blount’s shelter has helped hundreds of boys get their lives back on track by offering an array of counseling and treatment options. "There are a lot of emotional highs and lows in this,” he admits. “If I can just help kids, just to reach one is worth it."

About Me

Ryan Murphy's humorous articles and sports-themed jokes have appeared on more than 170 radio stations and 40 newspapers across the U.S. and Canada. He recognizes that life is hard and that's why he's here to help. Send in some questions and he'll offer some advice. On anything. Well, almost anything.