Monday, April 26, 2010

[MichelleO] "Barack, you need to get some exercise. You know how hard I'm working on the War on Obesity, and you're getting flabby. You're shnorking down cheeseburgers and pies like you're the second coming of Bill Clinton! It's totally undermining my efforts against obesity."

[Obama] "You know what's really undermining your War on Obesity? Your butt! It's huuuge! If your right cheek wanted to talk to your left cheek, it'd have to first dial '1' for long distance!"

[MichelleO] "Ha ha. Very funny, Mr. Flab. It's time for you to get some exercise."

[Obama] "I get plenty of exercise. I golf. A lot. Even more than Booosh."

[MichelleO] "Big deal. You ride around in a golf cart making 'vrooom, vroom' noises. And you make Gibbs carry your golf bag. You get a better cardio workout when your do your one-arm bong curls and needlepoint projects, and that ain't saying much. We are going out in the woods and going on a nature hike. It'll be good for you. Besides, it'll help with your 'green' cred."

[Obama] "The woods? There are like, you know, spiders and snakes and stuff out there. No way."

[MichelleO] "It's OK. I'll protect you."

[Obama] "Really? Well, then, I guess. As long as it is a short trip."

Later that day, deep in the woods...

[Obama] "Look! A butterfly!"

[MichelleO] "Barry! That's not a butterfly, it's a cougar! Run!"

[Obama, scampering away in a panic] "Gaah! I'm gonna be kitteh chow!"

[MichelleO] "Psych!"

[Obama, regaining composure] "Not appreciated."

[MichelleO, laughing] "You crack me up. You shriek like a banshee that's been snapped in the azz with a damp gym towel."

The couple continue down the trail. They experience beautiful scenery and the serenity of nature. They amble past a pond, where the pResident attempts to skip a rock but misses the water entirely. "The rock slipped out of my hand" he later explained to the press corps(e) - who actually believed him.

[MichelleO] "Barack, isn't this wonderful? I'm loving this time outdoors with you. I love you so much... Barack? Barry? Barry?"

She turns and looks back, and sees her husband collapsed on the trail some distance behind her.

[MichelleO, running back to her man] "Oh no! He's got a chunk of pie stuck in his pulmonary artery! This is bad!"

[MichelleO] "Barry! Wake up! You can't leave me now!"

[Obama, coming to] "The pain!"

[MichelleO] "What's the matter? Is it your heart?"

[Obama] "Nah. I got a little pebble in my Bruno Magli patent leather hiking boot. I was overcome by the excruciating pain, but I'm OK now."

Friday, April 23, 2010

Hey, everybody! It's time to talk about the candidates for Governor of Oregon!

Top row, L-R

John Kitzhaber (D-bag), former Governor. This political retread had his two terms back in the '90s but can't wait to get back in the mansion. PERS retirement benefits have gotten a lot fatter since he left office, and he'd no doubt like to squeeze a little more out of the system. He brought us the wildly successful and wildly expensive Oregon Health Plan. Wondering if there'll be rationing under barrycare? Look to Oregon to see how that will work out. Since demand for coverage far exceeds available funds, we have a LOTTERY to see who can enroll!
Pros: Looks good holding a fishing pole during photo-ops. I could look at his 'stache and maybe pretend he is actually John Bolton and the last 30 years of bad democrats have just been a bad dream.
Cons: Too numerous to list

Bill Bradbury (D-bag), former Oregon SecState. This hero of the left is a greenie par excellence and devoted Al Gore groupie. Also very skilled at manipulating petition requirements to keep citizen initiatives off the ballot.
Pros: Able to do the impossible: run to the left of Kitz
Cons: That schoolmarm looking-over-the-glasses thing would make me want to punch people.

Chris Dudley (R), former NBA player. This man invented 6.02x10^23 new ways of missing free throws in the most ugly ways imaginable. Seems genuinely conservative.
Pros: Looks kinda like Mike Rowe standing in front of a funhouse mirror.
Cons: Prone to noncommittal answers to routine questions. If he already acts like an experienced politician before even holding office, what'll happen after he's been in office for a while?

Bottom Row, L-R

Bill Sizemore (R), agitant. This anti-tax crusader is the bane of public-sector unions. Would slash government spending and have fun doing so, while having trouble keeping his own personal finances in order.
Pros: Think Chris Christie with a big mouth and a desire to rub lefties the wrong way. Would provide a bottomless supply of sound-bites.
Cons: Knows many cons, having spent some time in the pokey.

Allen Alley (R-ino), insider. Worked in previous dem administrations and seemed a little too comfortable doing so.
Pros: He could actually win and put an R in the mansion for the first time since I was in elementary school.
Cons: If he actually won, I don't think I'd notice a difference.

Jon Lim (R), businessman. Says all the right things. Would make the state more jobs- and business-friendly. Seems like more of a wonk than a leader, but that is OK.
Pros: Says all the right things. Would make the state more jobs- and business-friendly.
Cons: Thick accent. Sorry if this is too un-PC, but turning the state around is going to take some powerful communication and persuasion skills. Dunno if he can really stir people up when they have to listen closely just to understand his words.

So, there we are. I guess I'm leaning towards Dudley or Lim at this point. Just wish I could get really fired up about somebody in this race.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Seems William Gheen from ALIPAC, while speaking at a TEA Party event, said that Graham is from the Larry Craig/Eric Massa side of the preference spectrum. Gheen asserts that Graham is so pro-amnesty only because ol' Linz is worried that the pro-amnesty forces will out him if he doesn't continue to push the issue. Gheen then suggests that Graham just go ahead and admit it so they no longer have this leverage over him.

A google search shows that this question has been being asked for a while. I have no idea if Gheen's claim is valid. In a conservative southern state, such an admission would almost certainly be a career-killer. But if it is true and Graham is essentially allowing himself to be blackmailed, that would be an even bigger issue - the idea of sovereignty over our national borders all going kaflooey because one fruitball can't keep his hands out of the pickle jar is just too much for me to handle.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Sleep deprived and stressed out. Pretty much gnawed a hole in my tongue trying to stifle curse words 'cuz the dye sub printer is being a snotwad. Piddled through about $400 (seriously!) worth of ink trying to get the nozzles unclogged. So in lieu of the usual juvenile Obama-poking posts I'm known for, here's some random stuff for your consideration:

I hear that Palin is coming to Eugene, which is not quite an hour south of where I'm at. Haven't heard the reason, whether it is a speech or a TP rally or ???. But she's saying NO photos, NO press, NO questions, NO recording devices. I still like her, but this is hollywood diva crap I can do without... Also - Fox News appearances AND a nature show on Discovery Channel AND speeches here, there, and everywhere? "OVEREXPOSED" applies to you Sarah, just as much as it applies to me when I go out in public wearing only a speedo and pointy elf shoes.
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This bothers me. I'm no fan of the ghey rights issue. Up to me, I'd say keep it in the closet and shut up already. But it isn't up to me. Besides, I'm not really a culture warrior. I'm more of a liberty warrior, and the idea of cops ordering the press to disperse for no good reason is just, so, so, umm, can I say "fascist" on this blog?
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Saturday, April 17, 2010

Dang. I've checked all my usual sources but can't find anything new that barry and crew have screwed up. So not much to blog on there. Been working on my reader quest to wrap up the innomipoint deal, but that's turning into a galactic pain in the pooper. Dunno when I'll finally finish that up. That leaves me with...what exactly?

Guess I'll take a cue from barry and talk about - myself!

So the other day the landlord called and said they wanted to come over next week to prune the trees in the backyard. My yard ain't huge, but it is decent sized. Unfortunately, I've had my young-adult kids kinda move in and out and in over the last couple years, and they always leave more junk behind when they subsequently leave. Hence by backyard is full of CRAP. Like old furniture under tarps kind of crap. Rusty bikes. Dead or at least dying refrigerator. Balky lawnmower that hasn't run right for years. All stuff they promised they'd come and retrieve as soon as they "found the right place." Yeah. Oh, and not to forget all the doo my two big dogs like to do in the yard. The neighbors' trees on three sides are huge and there is little sun out there. Grass doesn't survive. If it weren't for moss and dandelions I'd have NO groundcover.

But my landlords are super cool and they deserve better, so wifey and I decided to tackle the yard today before they showed up. Perfect weather for it - mostly sunny and high 60s. But man, that was a lot of dandelions to yank! (Translation: man, that was a lot of back pain!) We have this ridiculous shed back there which has remained mostly empty due to it's back-busting and skull-crackingly low roof. We got nearly all the junk into the shed. Despite all of the "protective" tarp action, some of the cheap-o particle board furniture was so waterlogged it literally fell apart in my hands. But finally the back yard was "presentable." On to the front...

The front is mostly junipers. Gack. I hate them. Started off by just raking up the fir needles from the neighbors' tree and lots of dead juniper sticks. Then I started noticing a lot of litter. I dug deeper. Much deeper. My arms bear scratches proving just how deep I delved into the juniper patch. In the middle of the juniper patch, there were a bunch of empty beer and pop bottles, fast-food wrappers and assorted junk like old light bulbs. There were a couple kids' toys, and even a baby pacifier. TONS of plastic wrappers from granola bars and little packs of peanuts - the kind of snacky junk you'd get at the convenience store. APPARENTLY I'VE HAD A SMALL FAMILY OF HOBOS CAMPING IN MY FRONT YARD. Undetected. Ninja Hobos. Great. That's all I need. More anxiety about being surrounded by stealth hobos - I thought I'd finally overcome that neurosis. Guess not. No wonder my dogs sniff around so tenaciously when they go out front. So, being the total non-green thumb I have like zero gardening tools. Much exertion with the bowie knife later, I finally have a path through the junipers and finish cleaning out the "campsite" debris. At least the path can now do double duty as a useful little aisle I can sic the dogs down if the interlopers like what I've done with their place and want to move back in.

Oddly enough, my front yard somehow looks much better and yet looks almost exactly the same as it did before I started. But I now ache like a fragile old coot and the scratches on my arms are still stinging noticeably. My knife is dull and the yard debris containers provided by the garbage company are overflowing on the sidewalk. I'm an engraver! I sit on my butt all day! I inspect my work with a jeweler's loupe! I ain't cut out for this kind of hardship! Where are all these (*&@#^$ illegal alien day laborers when you really need one?!?!?

Friday, April 16, 2010

So most of you have no doubt heard about Obama's restructuring of NASA. If not, here's some background. There's lots more if you care to look.

From time immemorial until the Renaissance, the nation with the greatest army ruled. They were the superpower of their day. The Mongols, Persians, Romans, etc, etc, all maintained empires that far exceeded their national boundaries. The superiority of their ground forces enabled them to dominate their neighbors. Sea travel was still difficult and treacherous, and what little naval activity there was generally occurred only close to shore. This was the way of things for millenia...

Then there was a dramatic change - the nations of Europe gained mastery of the seas. They could confidently sail to any place on the planet. And soon their empires spanned the entire globe. England and Spain were the superpowers of the era, based on their naval power. This was the way of things for a handful of centuries...

Another dramatic change arose - the mastery of the skies. Countries such as Japan and Germany had mostly "missed out" on the seafaring colonial era. But now, with their aircraft able to devastate their enemies from on high, they began to build their empires. The victors in WWII won in large part because they were able to answer this challenge in the air. Even the great naval battles of the era were mostly won and lost through air power. The United States and USSR emerged with the superior air capabilities, and became the superpowers of the era. This was the way of things for decades...

These two superpowers then set forth to conquer the next frontier: Space. Both enjoyed successes and suffered failures. The USSR could not match our efforts in space (such as the shuttle and SDI) and ceased to be a superpower and eventually ceased to be a union at all. The one who truly masters space will be the next superpower.

The USA has shown much restraint as a superpower. We have not invaded unjustly. We have not domineered over our neighbors. We have not enslaved our enemies. We can be trusted with superpower status. It is not yet known whether the next superpower will behave as responsibly. President Obama, through his gutting of NASA, is forfeiting much of our advantage in space and thereby ceding future superpower status to an unknown. Hopefully they will manage that power as judiciously as we have.

As Joe Biden might say, backing down on space explorations is a "Big ******* Deal."

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The leftoids trying to muck up the Tea Party protests need to be put in their place. Turnabout is fair play, as they say. They also say that all's fair in love and war. We'll use their own tactics against them.

At the next big leftard/anarchist shindig, we need to dress up like idiots and infiltrate. Then we'll do REALLY outrageous things and taint those losers' image! Things like burn flags, throw rocks through storefront windows, hang people in effigy, you know, really vile and obnoxious stuff.

Why are you shaking your head? You act like there is a flaw in my plan or something!

This is from a few days ago. It actually got above 3 minutes for a while but has headed back down since I haven't posted much this week. My traffic is still low - I have about as many hit points as a 4th level druid - and about half my hits are 0 sec visits from search spiders and people in europe searching on "hockey stick effect". So this means that the people who do stop and read like it enough to hang around for a while. Y'all are awesome!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Lots of discussion today on Lars' NW Show about the Crash the Tea Party fool. Turns out he's a PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHER in Beaverton, which is about 1.5 hours or so north of me. Hey, here's the deal: if you spew epithets against minorities for personal or political gain, YOU ARE A RACIST. Pretending to be someone else while doing so does not mitigate YOUR RACISM. Hey teacher, would it be acceptable to you if your students LIED, CHEATED, or MISREPRESENTED themselves in your classroom?

Anyway, I think this crasher thing is destined to fail. For one, these people tend towards cowardice except when they have numerical advantage. Secondly, their hope is to be noticed by the fMSM which has considerably less reach than it used to. Does anybody really care if Katie Couric or Anderson Cooper thinks poorly of the antics of some ersatz Tea Partier? Thirdly, there are LOTS of people connected directly or indirectly to the movement - too many people know the truth about the movement.

So Lars was pretty miffed about this. He thinks it'll be an effective way of tainting the movement. I disagree. One caller said basically that he'd beat up anybody who was clearly a lefty interloper, but Lars said doing nothing looks like tacit approval, but beating the dork up reinforces the image that we're a violet mob. Lose/Lose. So it comes down to: should a lefty idiot show up, cause trouble and get away with it, or should a lefty idiot show up, cause trouble and go home with a limp? I know which will do the most to discourage further outbursts of lefty stupidity, and I know what I'll do if one of them acts up in my midst.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Big Ben will face no charges following accusations of something bad by some girl in Georgia. Duh, he is a Steeler! Steelers do no wrong! Just making the roster of so awesome a team causes one to be above reproach. In fact, being the starting QB for the Steelers automatically makes Ben the closest thing to Infallible Man as humanity has ever come. (Except when he holds on to the ball too long and takes a sack - that pizzes me off severely - but let's not get distracted...)

That Ben would be absolved comes as no surprise to most sentient beings, for it is a well-established fact of science that nobody who suits up in the Black & Gold has ever failed to be anything less than an Extremely Awesome Individual. Apparently the DA was not paying attention during his 7th grade science class, or he'd have known about this "Steeler = Awesome Axiom." Let this be a lesson, kiddies: pay attention in science class, or you might end up facing the embarrassment of confronting scientific with only the testimony of some anonymous gold-digger floozy.

Next time, Mr. DA, brush up on your basic math and science before considering charges against a Steeler!

President Obama is intelligent, honest, courageous, and possesses great athletic prowess.
Under his leadership, our nation will chart a new course that leads to unprecedented prosperity, security, and liberty for all Americans.

I spent the whole weekend chanting that mantra. Really, really chanting. You know, like a retarded pagan at a moon festival. But nothing seems to have changed. I really had high hopes for this whole Positive Thinking thing, since nothing else seems to be working. But it hasn't helped at all. Did I do it wrong or something? Did I forget a key word or phrase? What gives?

Friday, April 9, 2010

Hey there, I'm Bart Stupak and I'm here to announce ShtupPAC, my new political action committee! I have decided that it is time to make my exit from the House of Representatives and head in a new direction. The Tea Party reaction to my vote for barrycare had nothing - I repeat, nothing - to do with this decision. It is true that they scared me so bad I had to change the pads in my nursing bra, but that fear did not factor into my decision to not seek re-election. That is because I am able to separate the personal from the political. Besides, my family members back in Michigan were tweeting all the time about how much they missed running their fingers through my fabulous Grecian Formula hairdo. It gets embarrassing after a while.

As you are certainly aware, there are many incumbents who face a serious uphill climb in their re-election bid this time around. If you donate to the RNC, they'll waste it on lesbian bondage-themed nightclubs and limo rides. If you donate to the DNC, they'll, um, I dunno. They'll probably spend it on botox and drum circle performances. So the best place to send your money is to my new PAC. The ShtupPAC. Together we shtup reclaim America!!!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Greetings. My name is Paul Volcker, former honcho at the Federal Reserve. I was nominated to that position by one James Earl Carter, which tells you pretty much everything you need to know. Presently I am an economic advisor to pResident Obeyme.

In light of record deficits and new entitlements being enacted, it is necessary that the US Government receive more revenue. Much more. That's where the VAT comes in. It is like a sales tax, but invisible to the consumer. Well, except for the prices of everything being way higher. But the price on the tag will be the price you pay. That is good. Because really, don't you hate it when you go to the dollar store and after all the taxes are added in, it is really more like $1.11? Actually, that's kind of a rhetorical question as I would never set foot in a dollar store or a WalMart. Ewww.

See, with VAT, whenever Value (the "V" in "VAT") is Added (the "A") to something, the government wrings some money out of the deal. Example: When the mining company extracts some dirt from a hole and turns it into iron ore, the iron ore has more value than dirt, so the government gets paid. Then when the ore is turned into sheetmetal, the government gets paid. When the sheetmetal gets formed into a toasteroven, the government gets paid. When you go to pay for the toasteroven that used to be $19, it'll cost about $45. But there won't be any taxes added when you go through the check-out line, so you won't even notice. Isn't that cool? And don't worry about those people that say it'll drive manufacturing overseas. Wouldn't you really rather be a street musician than a factory worker anyway?

Again, the glory of this plan is that you won't even notice. All the problems of government overspending will be solved painlessly. You won't even be aware of all the VAT you pay. You won't notice it. You won't feel it. Like I always say: if you are under anesthesia and you don't even feel what's being done to you, is it really sodomy?

Monday, April 5, 2010

Nearing the end. This is the last "normal" edition. You can visit the first one to see the rules and play catch-up if you'd like. Winner will receive a $20 gift card to a store of their choice (or charitable donation in their name) and a as-yet undetermined trinket that will no doubt have immense value to collectors someday. For the closing act (hopefully next week), you'll be asked to complete a quest, with LOTS of points on the line. So if you're towards the top of the leaderboard, don't get cocky, kid!

Question 1:
If Dick Cheney and Chuck Norris got in a whizzin' contest,

A. This is stupid, juvenile and disgusting. I don't want to play any more (0 points)

D. They're both older than the dirt they're standing on. Not much would happen (-2 points)

Question 2:
If Joe Biden and a garden-store sack of worm castings got in a Scrabbletm contest,

A. The turd would win.

B. Biden would be disqualified for spelling "jobs" with only three tiles.

C. It would end in a scoreless draw.

Question 3 (essay)(max 15 points):
Did you ever hear the one about the the blond student who slept with a Mexican gangbanger? Her English teacher said she had to ¡do an ese! Sorry... Here's the real question... Describe, without using swear words, barry's pitching performance the two times he has thrown out the ceremonial "first pitch."

I was thinking this morning about putting up a post about how blogger seems to be having a lot of problems lately. Like not letting me save. Then not letting me post. Then giving me cryptic errors. I've been following Basil's Blog for a while but it wasn't showing recent posts. As a Windoze user, my instinct was to un-follow then re-follow and see what happens. More cryptic Blogger errors, with this latest one not even appearing in their knowledge base/help section. Kept trying. Eventually it worked. Cool. So nevermind, everything is fine.

Then I was going to snivel about how I was sooooo close to having 50 followers and how much I wanted to break that threshold. And suddenly, the 50th follower appeared. Woohoo! But Basil is so cool he follows me twice (note his twice-present happy kid gravatar), so do I really have 50? Barry would probably say I have 57, but I never believe him anymore, and besides, he (still) throws like a girl. Somebody out there, why don't ya go ahead and follow me so I can sleep well tonight knowing that I am officially cool enough to deserve 50 followers. I can't handle the uncertainty.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Perry Cleeze and Testy Cleeze gathered up the scroll, which was surprisingly intact. Certainly beaten and buffeted, but mostly legible. Some parts were blurred and smudged, so the Interpreters of the Scroll were consulted. Some of the Interpreters looked upon the smudges and declared "I see an umbra! An umbra of a right to cut up babies!" while others said "The Commerce Clause! The ink of the Commerce Clause has bled, and now encompasses EVERYTHING!"

Then another of the Interpreters, Antonin Scalia (a man so cool there is no need to lamely try to Hellenize his name) said "BAH! I am the expert in Original Intent! I know what the scroll said before it was damaged, and it said no such thing!" and he proceeded to punch the four psycho Interpreters right in their slobber-glossed lips. Then the Interpreter known for wavering saw this and grew frightened. He chose to side with the Smart Interpreters on every issue, and all the people lived happily every after.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

As the troupe of adventurers headed east, a strange enchantment began to affect them. Each grew increasingly complacent, and erelong all were relaxing at the trailside. One by one, they nodded off into a nap they felt they much deserved. As they reclined, they dreamt the American Dream: of houses and little leagues and vacations and sending kids to college. The scroll lay unguarded. And then it was snatched from them...
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[Napolitanus] "Zeussein! Zeussein! Our operatives have the scroll!"

[Zeussein] "YES! But it is not enough to merely possess it, it must be destroyed! Only the wrath of the Krackhead can accomplish this. Place the scroll on the great rock near the sea, that the Krackhead may finally finish it off!"

The Krackhead, having heard it's call for release, slips its surly bonds beneath the bay and begins to gather boulders from the slimy seabottom. First, the TARPus boulder, then the Stimulus boulder, and finally the HadesCare boulder. The Krackhead emerges and begins to pummel the scroll with the large stones...

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Bobo, the Pissed-off Clockwork Eagle swoops in and begins to squawk loudly, stirring the mortals from their slumber. "Oh no! The scroll is missing! Make haste!" they say amongst themselves and restart their journey eastward. They reach the shore and see the scroll suffering grievous blows at the hand of the Krackhead. The mortals begin to fight back, but their arrows do little to slow the giant gorgon. Bobo flies off in a great hurry and soon returns with a canister. Ancient runes upon it read Botoxus Antidote-us. A brave mortal waves the container in front of the Krackhead and cries out. "Look! Pork! Yummy, yummy porkbarrel pork!" The insatiable gorgon wrests the canister away and consumes it greedily. Centuries of botox treatments are instantly undone! Wrinkles form. Leathery skin yields, and the beast's foul red ocher seeps out, spoiling the surrounding seas and turning the waters red as blood. The wrinkles grow deeper and more furrowed, until the connective tissues fail and immense heaps of Krackhead meat fall splashing into the bay, triggering a massive tsunami. The ensuing Red Wave crashes ashore, reaching far inland - even to Olympus, DC!

[Zeussein] "Crap! What a mess! We could clean up day and night, all the way to November, and still not be done. I fear we may never recover!"