Fight The Power! Down With Big Brother!

I know journalists are supposed to be unbiased, but come on—how can people expect us to not have a say about everything? We have opinions too, we just get paid [Paid. Ha ha. Good one—Ed.] to hide them. But not any longer! Screw the higher-ups! Viva la revolution! (*lights Molotov Cocktail*)

Yeah, shrug your shoulders all you want, Mr. West—that shirt is the most offensive thing I've seen on television since the TV-debut of The Fast and the Furious.

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Ugg boots. The single ugliest thing a girl can put on her feet. I’d be less turned off by boots made from the fur of a baby chinchilla and adorned with feathers from a dodo. If you wear them, I hope you meet Tim Gunn in a dark alley and he kicks your ass.

Honda Civics. I understand that people started to like them when The Fast and the Furious came out, but those people glanced over one tiny detail—that movie was a cinematic atrocity on par with Biodome and Gigli. If you drive a car made famous by Vin Diesel—VIN DIESEL FOR GOD’S SAKE—I can guarantee you are going to burn in hell, forever listening to his character say, “I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those 10 seconds or less, I’m free.”

So what does the highly-esteemed writer of America’s No. 1 most-read column by my mom think of Kanye’s tirade last night on the VMAs? Was it ridiculous? Was it staged? Was Beyonce’s video actually “one of the best of all time?” Is Taylor Swift jail bait? In short: Yes; Kanye is crazy and egotistical enough that I doubt it; If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it; She turned 19 last December THANK GOD. The real question that nobody is asking is—was he wearing a leather dress shirt? Half-buttoned? SHORT-SLEEVED? “And the winner of the Lil Kim Worst-Dressed At The VMAs Award goes to…”

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