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Ask a Guy: "How Can I Forgive My Husband For This Huge of a Lie?"

There are some questions about men that only a guy can answer. We asked the dudes at guyspeak.com (read more about them here), for their take on this dating conundrum:

Q: I couldn't get pregnant after a year of trying. I assumed that something was wrong with me and apologized to my husband many times. Today he told me he is sterile and has known for years. How do I forgive him for letting me worry and feel guilty so long?

Yikes. I'm not sure you can—or should. I'm a big fan of forgiveness, but what he did borders on unpardonable. The fact that you haven't already killed this man in his sleep tells me you must be a saint.

For starters, obviously, he lied to you. He lied by omission while you were wringing your hands over not being able to conceive, and he lied every time you cried and apologized for something he knew wasn't your fault. They have a name for lies like that: whopper. Significant. Far-reaching. Game-changing. And a huge blow to your trust in him, one from which it will be difficult for your marriage to recover.

Even more troubling to me is that fact that he let you suffer FOR A YEAR without saying a word. A YEAR! That's abhorrent. Not only is he a liar, but he must have no concern whatsoever for your feelings to leave you on the hook, miserable, while he sat silent. I know that lies perpetuate themselves and become harder to admit as time passes, but that's no excuse for his behavior. It was cruel and wrong.

What he did is also legal grounds for divorce in many states, for several reasons. Impotence alone is one, which includes the inability to have sex or sterility. Another is cruel treatment, or "willful infliction of pain, bodily or mental, upon the complaining party"—clearly he has done that.

The third reason, and the one most fitting here, is fraud: He married you under false pretenses. You entered into marriage with the expectation that you would be able to have children with this man; he married you knowing that you could not. That's fraud. Had you known he was sterile before you wed him, you might have chosen to walk or you might have chosen to marry him anyway, but you should have been given the choice.

I am not telling you to divorce this man, nor am I telling you not to forgive him. You will have to search your heart and make those decisions for yourself. Whatever you decide, no one will blame you. I'm sorry this happened to you.