I am with you, right beside you,
even when I can't be there
I can feel you, I can taste your lips
You're everywhere
- Black River Drive

Since their first mission against the Romulans, no-one on the Enterprise could deny there was chemistry between the first officer and the captain. Most of the crew, though, just assumed it was the type of chemistry that was desirable between a captain and his first officer.

It seemed natural for Kirk to be cracking jokes for which he got the flicker of a smile from his Vulcan counterpart, and for them to be meeting off the bridge. It wasn’t uncommon to see them together in the mess, deep in discussion, while McCoy sat beside them just overseeing their food selection and not participating in the conversation, even when Kirk tried to include him. When it was time to be serious, it was as if they had their own unspoken language that made command decisions and relaying orders effortless.

Soon Kirk knew something more than rank and companionship was building between them, but he didn’t dare mention it. He noticed it in things as simple as the way Spock would watch him intently, almost possessively, in diplomatic meetings; and how the Vulcan had begun to shy away from the habitual touches that were his nature.

Relations between Spock and Uhura were at breaking point, and it seemed that Spock was avoiding her so that he wouldn’t need to tell her the truth … and at the same time, avoiding Kirk because he didn’t want to discuss his problems. Ever the pushy bastard, Kirk had tried to get the real reason out of him, but Spock gave him nothing but a tight-lipped look that told him, in not so many words, to drop the subject.

If he couldn’t get it from the source, there were other ways of finding out what was going on. That was how he found himself sitting in his best friend’s office, sharing a bottle of bourbon and trying to find some sneaky way to get it out of him. Well, that, and if Bones was actually seeing someone. He was being surprisingly secretive when it came to his attraction to other crew members at the moment.

*****

“Look Jim, I can’t help you - I don’t know what his issue is.” McCoy sighed, downing a shot of bourbon and screwing up his nose as the liquid burned his throat.

“Oh, come on Bones! I know all the female crew come to bitch and whine at you when they have problems.” Kirk whined, downing his own shot and banging the glass back on the desk for a refill.

“Wrong medical staff member here. Christine is the one who takes all their heartbroken bawling ... I just treat the physical wounds.”

“Wait, Uhura was bawling?” the captain asked, making McCoy freeze from pouring another drink and mouthing a curse word.

“Look, from what I heard while patching up Yeoman Canton’s leg wound, your goblin has been pining after someone else and neglecting her for a quite a while.” The doctor sighed, pouring himself a double shot and downing it in one.

“Shit, really? Did Uhura have any idea who it is?”

McCoy gave Kirk a weird look at the hopeful tone of his voice, and rolled his eyes as he shook his head.

“No, she had no idea. Apparently she’s tried to worm it out of him but he’s been avoiding her so much that he barely says a word. But whoever it may be, they are in for it when she finds them. Seriously, I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes when they’re caught together.”

That comment hit a nerve deep inside Kirk’s chest and he’d downed the shot he was holding and making up an excuse for his friend, left the medical bay. He hadn’t exactly been watching where he was going as he made his way towards the turbolift. He was envisioning Uhura and Spock’s fights … how Uhura would confront him about how he was treating her and if he was seeing someone else, before dumping him when he didn’t come up with the answers she was looking for. Then he would find Spock on the bridge looking miserable, but refusing to open up to him as to the cause.

He was so caught up in the daydream that it seemed like fate was willing to throw him a bone as he found himself colliding with a warm and muscular body.

“Excuse me, Captain,” Spock said softly in his emotionless voice, as he tried to dodge around Kirk.

“Wait, Spock … is there something bothering you?” Kirk asked, resting a hand on Spock’s shoulder. The Vulcan stiffened at the touch, like he was picking up on emotions he would rather not be feeling.

“Your question has multiple answers, Captain, yet none of them are relevant at this time.”

Immediately Kirk pulled his hand back and bit his lip, as he tried to come up with some way to crash through the barriers his first officer was steadily rebuilding.

“Look, if something has happened, you know you can tell me, right?”

“I appreciate the offer, but I cannot. If you would excuse me. I find myself in need of rest,” Spock said, softly before brushing past him down the corridor.

*****

The weeks that followed weren’t much better. Spock avoided him when not on the bridge and spent a lot of time in the labs, which didn’t help the nervous feeling in the pit of Kirk’s stomach. On those scarce occasions that they were around each other in a social context, they rarely spoke.

Uhura was fairly suspicious: you didn’t need to be telepathic to pick up that much, so Jim spent his time off the bridge hiding in McCoy’s office indulging in his supply of bourbon. The only issue with this course of action was that his friend gradually got sick of him loitering around, constantly whining about the situation with his First Officer, and suggesting crew members for McCoy to persue … despite his hardly being in a position to offer advice about anyone’s love life. The final straw came when he found Kirk had downed his entire supply. That was when he got involved.

It was a quiet night after a long day of boredom on the bridge when Spock appeared in McCoy’s office, hovering in the doorway and looking a little uneasy at the fact that Jim was there as well, looking rather sorry for himself.

“Captain.”

Kirk looked at him while downing a mouthful of scotch, nearly causing him to choke. Spock jerked forward, moving to check that Kirk was all right, before stopping himself and returning to his stiff stance.

“Spock, what are you doing here? I thought you were working in the labs tonight,” Kirk asked breathlessly, as the amber liquid burned the back of his throat.

“I was, however Doctor McCoy wished me to see him. However, I suspect he does not wish to see me as urgently as his message suggested.”

“Pfft ... Of course not, Spock … This was his plan all along.”

“I do not understand.”

“I’ve been complaining about how you’be been avoiding me. He probably decided to shove his nose in where it doesn’t belong to get me out of his office.”

“I see,” Spock said slowly, his posture stiffening even more.

“Look … since you’re here, can you explain to me what it is that I’ve done to cause this? We never talk outside a professional context. I mean, have I done something wrong?”

“Captain …”

“Call me Jim, damnit! We’re not on duty.”

“Jim … Nothing you have done has caused this situation … rather, it is because … I am feeling a number of emotions, which I am unable to control.”

“What?”

“I have begun to feel things which cannot be explained logically, whenever I look at you. It is putting a strain my relationship with lieutenant Uhura.”

“Er … sorry?”

“No, it is I who must apologise. You should not be expected to return such feelings. They are inappropriate, due to our positions on this ship. I should return to my quarters.” Spock said, avoiding his Captain’s gaze as he turned to walk into the medical bay.

“No, Spock, wait!”

His head fell into his hands as he silently cursed Bones for involving himself in something that had nothing to do with him. He didn’t hear the pause in Spock’s receding footfalls. He reached for the bottle of scotch, and as he downed another mouthful of the liquid, in the back of his mind, he refused to believe that it was simply over … especially when Spock had as good as admitted that he felt something in the same direction. After finishing his glass, he retreated to his quarters to wait for the impending well-deserved hangover.

*****

The next morning as he was walking to the mess, with the hangover of a lifetime, he heard a voice over his shoulder call his title, and groaned as he slowed his pace so he could get it over with.

“Yes, Lieutenant, is there something I can help you with?” He sighed, even as he felt his heart drop into the vicinity of his stomach at the look she gave him. Of course she would have to wait until he was suffering before jumping on him.

“Captain … I was wondering if you could explain something to me?” Uhura asked, resting a hand over her hip as she manoeuvred herself in front of him. That way he had no chance but to stop in the middle of the corridor.

“Nyota, can’t this wait until I have some caffeine in my system and I’m not likely to say something incriminating?” he said, rubbing his bleary eyes so he wouldn’t have to meet her gaze.

“No. At least this way you’ll be honest,” she said with a look that made his insides wither.

“Fine … what do you want me to explain?”

“Why you are letting Commander Spock work all hours of the day with no sleep?”

A frown appeared on Kirk’s face as his caffeine deprived senses tried to make sense of the information he had just been given.

“What?”

“Oh so you weren’t aware of that? How about the fact he hasn’t spoke to me, his supposed girlfriend, for three weeks? Were you aware of that?”

“Look Nyota , yours and Spock’s relationship is none of my business …”

“Damn right it isn’t. And yet Spock seems to think it is.”

“Walk with me, Lieutenant. We’ll talk about this more in the mess.” He sighed, raking his fingers through his messy blond hair and walking around her. Immediately she fell into step beside him, still glaring at him in such a way that he knew she wasn’t going to let this go until he told her everything he knew. Ugh. He would much rather not be the one to cause their break up … especially if Spock wasn’t being honest with her.

Once there was a cup of coffee in front of him and a cooked breakfast, the likes of which would make McCoy shriek like a banshee if he was around, Kirk turned his attention to Nyota.

“Ok ...has he said something to lead you to believe that I should be aware of any change in your relationship?” He asked, downing a mouthful of coffee.

“No. But whenever he’s around all he wants to talk about is you. If it isn’t in a professional context, it’s in a social one."

“Uh huh.”

“So, is there something going on with you two? More than First Officer and Captain?”

Kirk paused to chew a rasher of bacon as he tried to come up with something he could possibly say that wouldn’t incriminate either him or Spock, but came up a blank.

“Look, Nyota....if I honestly felt anything for Spock in that way, I would never tell Spock to break the two of you up. And I believe he wouldn’t either. So maybe you should ask him about this.”

“You didn’t answer my question. Has he said something to you?”

“Seriously. This is between you and Spock....don’t put me in the middle of this. If he has said something to me, I’m going to let him be the one to repeat it to you. End of story.”

She gave him a look of annoyance before storming away from the table, leaving Kirk to rest his chin on one hand as he took a sip of his coffee. At least he’d managed to worm his way out of the conversation without telling her the painful truth. The last person he needed on the ship as an enemy was her.

The rest of the day continued on without any incident, until as he was walking back towards the mess for his dinner, he turned the corner to see Spock looking stiff and uncomfortable as Uhura confronted him.

“I cannot believe I didn’t see this before,” she said, “The avoidance. All the days with no verbal, let alone physical, contact–“

“Nyota …”

“No. I’ve had enough. If you want him, then go for it ... I hope the two of you will be happier than we were.”

Kirk bit the corner of his lip as he watched her storm off towards the turbolift. He could see that Spock was itching to go after her, but before he had taken a step, Kirk was beside him, resting a hand on his shoulder and steering him into the mess hall.

He could feel the eyes of the crew on them as he and Spock sat down at the table in the corner, away from prying eyes.

“Spock ... are you ok?” Kirk asked softly, even though he knew the answer he was going to get would be anything but the truth, if Spock was going to speak at all. He looked completely shocked that the woman he had been in a relationship with for so long could suddenly snap like that.

“Ok is not exactly an expression I would use to describe my position at present, Captain,” Spock said stiffly, his gaze pinned on a spot on the table between them.

“I’m so sorry things ended between you two like this ....”

Spock gave a soft sigh and shook his head. As though he knew his captain was lying to try to spare his feelings.

“I wish I could return your concern. But in all honesty....regret is something I do not feel at the end of my relationship with Nyota.”

“Then what do you feel? And none of that it’s not any of my business crap. Just for once, be honest with me Spock, please.” Kirk pleaded softly, knowing he probably sounded like he was encouraging more than just Spock’s honesty. And in a way, it was probably the truth.

“I feel as if a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders … although I cannot place a label on it,” Spock murmured, his gaze still fixated on the table.

“You feel relieved because she dumped you?” Kirk asked, his voice squeaking a little at the reason behind the emotion.

“Yes.”

“Because that means you can try and move on to someone else?”

Spock finally lifted his gaze to Kirk’s face, and though his features were still completely free of any emotion, the depths of his eyes seemed to answer Jim’s question for him.

“Only if that someone else feels the same, and is able to accept that the pace at which coupling may proceed will be slower.” The Vulcan whispered softly, his gaze lingering around his captain’s lips, as though his body’s wants were different to those that he was speaking of.

In the back of his mind Kirk knew he should put a stop to this before something happened in front of nosy crew members who would never let him hear the last of it … not to mention that in a sense, he would be Spock’s rebound. And even though his feelings for his first officer were becoming as clear as day, he wasn’t sure he wanted to be with him that way. But in his heart he didn’t seem to care. He just wanted to taste those perfect lips against his, and to feel the spark as his feelings were returned to numb his self doubt.

“I think we should talk about this in private later. Is that ok?” he whispered, curling his fingers into a fist to restrain the urge to rest his hand on Spock’s. That would be the last thing he needed if Uhura decided on a whim to come back. He watched Spock nod shyly, a small smile touching his lips before the Vulcan got to his feet.

“I shall go and check the bridge. At what time do you suggest we meet … and where, Captain?”

Kirk managed to stop himself from asking Spock to call him Jim instead of Captain again. He could tell by Spock’s upright posture that he was playing the professional role. It was almost like their previous discussion had never happened.

“Twenty hundred hours, in my quarters, Mr. Spock.”

Spock nodded once in understanding before leaving the table, and Kirk free to grab his dinner before another interruption meant he wouldn’t get to eat until breakfast. The last thing he needed was Bones lecturing him about not eating regularly again.

Just as he’d set his tray down on the table he heard someone sliding into the seat opposite him. He looked up from cutting his piece of steak into small pieces. He wasn’t exactly surprised to see McCoy sat opposite him with a raised eyebrow that practically screamed that he wanted to know all the details.

“Look Bones, all I’m going to say is your little stunt worked a treat, and now Spock and Uhura called it quits.” He shrugged, pushing a fork full of meat and artificial potatoes into his mouth.

“And have you told him how you feel? Or do I have to stick my nose in even more?” McCoy asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I’ve told him … in not too many words. But I’m not going to push him, Bones. He’s just getting over his break-up, and to be honest, I would much rather not be his rebound right now,” he said, keeping his gaze on his plate so he didn’t see the knowing look on his friend’s face.

“Well, at least you’re taking a step in the right direction … that’s all I’m gonna say,” McCoy said a thoughtful look on his face.

“Wish I could say the same for you and your nonexistent relationship.” Kirk grinned.

“Don’t start that again Jim. I’m not in the mood for you to shove some Yeoman on me for a fuck.”

“Fine....I’m just saying. I might just owe you a favour and if need be … I will get involved to make sure you get rid of that reputation,” Kirk said smugly, downing a mouthful of coffee and turning his attention back to his meal.

He spent the remainder of his meal making small talk until his friend was called into the medical bay, and he managed to make his way to his quarters a few minutes earlier than Spock to get his story straight. True, he knew it should be as simple as, ‘Spock, I love you and have since the first moment I set eyes on you,’ but that was definitely over the top for someone who had never been the sentimental kind. But at that moment, he couldn’t seem to come up with anything else.

He didn’t realise he’d been pacing the length of his room until he heard the sound of a gentle thud at the door. He bit his lip nervously and pulled his shirt down subconsciously before calling to Spock to enter.

The Vulcan appeared, with his arms behind his back as always, but his posture eased up a little once the door shut behind him. Jim approached him, careful not to touch his hands, and steered Spock towards his bed.

“Look … Spock … about what I said in the mess .…” he faltered, unsure of how to continue. They sat down and Spock’s eyes watched him carefully as though afraid of impending rejection. But that was the last thing on Kirk’s mind.

“You wish to take back what you said?”

“No! I don’t … I just wanted you to know that I’ve felt like this for a long time....and now I’m a little nervous, now that I know you feel the same way. I want you to be sure that this is something you really want and not just because Uhura dumped you and you don’t like the thought of being alone,” said Kirk, his gaze remaining locked with Spock’s, waiting for something that screamed he’d changed his mind.

Instead he saw a small smile appear on his perfect features and though he had never expected it before Spock’s right hand lifted from his side and cupped his cheek.

“I can assure you, Jim … that I want this. I want you, and nothing will change that fact,” Spock whispered, edging closer towards him so the gap between them was closed.

Kirk sighed softly as Spock’s fingers brushed over his skin before allowing their lips to brush gently. It was hesitant at first on his part, mostly because he was still waiting for Spock to turn around and say it was a joke, but Spock seemed to pick up on his uncertainty and deepen the kiss gradually by prying entrance to his mouth with his tongue. It was something he hardly expected the Vulcan to be into, but as his heart seemed to hum contently he found he didn’t care. As long as it was Spock, it was all that mattered.