Sunday, February 11, 2007

Twice Distracted

Can I see another's woe,And not be in sorrow too?Can I see another's grief,And not seek for kind relief?

Robert Blake

I know I've been out of blogging commission for awhile. I've been distracted.

First on the professional level being wooed is very intoxicating. It isn't the first time but this time it is serious. I feel like a free agent a mercenary for hire. At the same time, it's caused me to rethink about many things from what I want to where I stand in the market place and yes my working relationships with people I've known for 10 years. It has also given me pause to look at the spectrum of options. Stay tuned for this one.

Second and more important, speaking in front of a group of women, I acknowledge to them how I've painted the face of my mother on the important women in my life. They had different recations: some felt awkward as I shared something deeply personal. Others admired my courage and some didn't care. I'm sure there were some who had an issue with it but they didn't share it. All in all, I was scared at first and settled down as the repercussions I girded myself against, never came.

If I was more religious, I might say God wants me to learn from my suffering. But on the existential plane that I ascribe to, I am responsible for my action. This is one action that I'm not proud of. The women in my life have been manipulated, coerced and ingratiated into a pathological vision of the woman who birthed me. This action has prevented me from seeing the women for whom they are and have had the affect of insulating them from man they see and know and want to connect with. This is tragic and sad as it leveled women who wanted to love me and prevented me from loving them back. Remarkably, sharing this has a calming effect on me and hence has given me hope that I can live with and perhaps appreciate another's humanity as Robert Blake wrote:

Can I see another's woe,And not be in sorrow too?Can I see another's grief,And not seek for kind relief?

I feel for the first time, I have my arms around this emotionally and the fog is rising and dissipating.