The Week that Ate My Brain

Photo: One of the more precious moments of last week. There were plenty. There were also moments when I wanted to eat my children instead of snuggle with them. Thus is motherhood.

I want to start this post by saying that I had every intention of putting up a full week of posts. I was just talking to someone about the discipline of keeping this blog, the habit of the mind of making the time to write… that was the whole point of making this thing. Lately, of course, it seems that I can’t keep to the calendar. Wednesday came and went, then I was like, “I’ll write on Friday,” and then Friday flew by. And here we are…

I really don’t want to make School Vacation weeks non-bloggy weeks, but they might end up being that way. If only because, wow, these boys certainly know how to take all the energy out of my week. They woke up every morning with two important questions: What’s for breakfast (followed by no, why?) and what are we doing today? Then the cascade of questions, answers, and negotiations continued until their little selves were put to bed.

I read an article once about how decision-making power diminishes over the day. Basically, your brain can make a certain amount of decisions during any given the day, each taking a little bit away from the fuel tank, until eventually you get down to E. In mommyland, that can look like “I don’t know, dude, ask the Google” or “sweetie, for the love of God, no” or “yes. I said yes, now please go on wit’ you!” I feel like that “E” moment came at about 6pm on the dot every day last week.

I don’t want to give the impression that we had a bad week. We saw dear friends, we spent time together, we rested, we did stuff, we even had a doctor’s appointment! I’m just saying that I was workin’ last week. They didn’t give me any quarter at all! Having a few hours in this quiet house is a great, wonderful thing! Finally: some space for thought, some space for production, some space for me.

You know what I miss the most when the boys are home? Being able to watch TV in the living room. The entire week, it didn’t matter what else was going on, if I sat in my favorite little spot on the couch and even thought about touching the remote, a child was all over me. “What are you doing?” they would ask, or worse, “what are we watching?”

We. Lordy. I was tryin’ to indulge in some Judge Judy! Go to the playroom and be cool!

I’m looking forward to a little knitting in front of that television, even though I don’t really have time for it. I just want to do it for the principle of it. A reassertion of space and personhood. Sometimes, I don’t even know that I’ve removed myself from a space until I have. Suddenly, dinner is getting cooked. Suddenly, the beds upstairs are being made. They have figured out ways to kick me out of my favorite space without saying so much as a word. 10 minutes of Pokemon and I’m out. Damn, that’s powerful. This week, though, the house is my domain again. My space on the couch, my tea, my needles, my television. No need to make room for anyone. Gonna reclaim some of my time. 🙂

Anyway, I’m writing all of this to say thank you. Thank you for your patience with me. I know that I haven’t been as disciplined with posting as I usually am. I’m sorry about. I don’t like to miss a post. This place matters to me and your time matters to me. Thank you for letting me keep this space flexible when I need it to be.

I know what you’re thinking: “girl, it’s your space. We aren’t ‘letting’ you do anything.”

That’s true and untrue. It’s true that it’s my space. But what’s also true is that you continue to come back here, even when I don’t post. You choose to forgive me, popping in to read, popping in to send me a tweet or an email. The internet is ridiculously vast, but you choose to return here and read about this little farmhouse and the people who live in it. I respect the choice and am encouraged by your regular reading. I’m grateful for the opportunity to write and be read. Thank you. Thank you for letting me keep this space flexible when I need it to be, knowing you’ll forgive me, knowing you’ll be back to read again. You’re amazing, Dear Reader, and I am grateful.

It’s a week. It’s a week for getting work done and doing some writing. I’m here for it, for three whole posts. I promise. What are you here for, Dear Reader? What do you need for your week? Let’s get through it together, yes?

Discipline matters but enjoying this space rather than letting it become burdensome matters too.

Also, thanks for the reminder of the relationship between energy and decision making. Must remember the next time it’s 10pm and I think “what I need is a big handfull of chocolate chips, or two” instead of “maybe I should go to bed”.