Donald Trump: “I don’t believe anyone was born in the United States”

After a long, meaningless pursuit of president Barack Obama’s birth certificate, Donald Trump dunked his head in Elmer’s glue. He then rolled around in a dog kennel, and went to John Boehner’s tanning salon. After that he had a ate lobster from the asshole of a Greek god, and somehow managed to sire one of the most attractive women ever to walk the face of the Earth.

But now he wants more!

“Everyone thinks they know what’s best for this country,” Trump recently stated. “The problem is, they aren’t from here. Barack was born in Kenya, Ted Cruz was born in Argentina, and I’m pretty sure Dick Durban was birthed on a Vietnamese rice plantation. Furthermore, no one in this country can truly prove they were born here, because birth certificate or not, I’m simply not going to believe them. And I have tons of money, so you have to listen to me. Literally, like metric tons of it.