musings and stories by a wife, mom, teacher

Another reminder…

Father’s day ~ A day we’re supposed to celebrate all the amazing dads out there. Well, that’s what it’s supposed to be for most people. But, not me. Father’s day just reminds me that I don’t have a dad. While I do have an amazing husband who is a wonderful father to our daughter, and I should just spend the day celebrating him, and focusing on the good. I try. I really do, but I’m still sad.

Some years I’m totally fine. Other years I’m not. This year would be the year where I would be hit with a wave of grief that knocked me down, and then gave me a kick. I didn’t expect it. Was completely blindsided. And it was hard to bounce back. Three days later, and I’m still not completely back to my normal.

Here’s what happened. I woke up on Sunday and all was ok. I wished my hubby a Happy Father’s day. Thanked him for being the best daddy for our girl. He went out to get muffins and coffee for us. I know, I know, it should have been me getting the coffee since it was his day, but he had gone to a fire call and was already out. It only made sense for him to bring back the coffee and muffins for us! Anyway, after coffee and muffins, we began our typical Sunday job – laundry. While he went to start the laundry, I sat down and picked up my phone for the first time. I opened Facebook and that’s when the wave hit me.

All I saw were pictures. Pictures of people with their dads. Pictures of daughters with their dads on their wedding day. Picture after picture of happy smiles. All recent pictures – new memories. Well more recent that my pictures of me and my dad. I haven’t been able to take a picture with him since 2006. I wanted to post a picture, so I started to scroll. While scrolling through my phone, this feeling started to come over me. It seemed like it started all the way at my toes and worked its way up, slowly consuming me. But it wasn’t sadness this time. It was worse. It was anger – washed over me, first taking over my thoughts… Angry I couldn’t pick a picture. Angry I didn’t have any recent pictures. Angry at the people who were spending the day with their dads and enjoying themselves.Angry that I couldn’t see him. Angry I couldn’t hug him. Angry Emma couldn’t see him. Angry he left me. Just raw anger. And then it took over my body – Crying and crying and crying. I couldn’t stop.

When I finally pulled myself together, I texted my brother and told him what happened. He responded “has always made me mad. Can’t help it. Get jealous.” That’s when I realized it was more than one emotion that took over. It was anger and jealousy. I’m not a jealous person by any means, but on Father’s day, I was jealous of everyone who had their dad to call, FaceTime, hug, spend time with, etc. I know it’s all part of the grief waves that never go away, but I just couldn’t believe how it blindsided me.

My brother also texted me a link to a post about missing a dad on Father’s day. (click here) It hit the nail on the head and helped me to write this post today. Father’s day is just one of the reminders – reminders that my dad isn’t here to share my life with anymore. And that hurt is actually indescribable. When the grief waves are calmer, I laugh at my memories, and smile at his pictures, and feel him living on inside my heart. When the storm hits, you just have to let the waves take you out to sea, but you’ll always come back to the shore.

Here is a link to another post about grief that gave me the analogy to the waves.