TF2 Fans Excited for Yet Another Feature That Isn’t Matchmaking

— August 21, 2015

Fans of class-based multiplayer FPS Team Fortress 2 were ecstatic on Tuesday, following the release of yet another gameplay feature that was not ranked matchmaking. TF2 veterans believe the new game mode PASS Time — a third-party TF2 mod based on a generic net-based sport — is the rejuvenating new feature that will modernize Team Fortress 2 and reverse its slow descent into entropic chaos.

“PASS Time is the most innovative feature to hit TF2 in years,” exclaimed excited fan /u/bonusducks_in_winter. “Essentially, it’s a game mode where two teams try to carry a MacGuffin to a location while preventing the enemy team from doing the same. It has never been done before in the history of Team Fortress.”

The update arrived barely a real-world month after the Gun Mettle Update, which came as a response to years of complaints demanding that Valve fix TF2’s weapons, such as the Tomislav, Gunslinger, and Wrangler. Valve Corporation was finally able to fix the weapons after determining that their core problem was that they didn’t make enough money.

“The Gun Mettle Update is the first in a multi-stage process by Valve to merge two of our non-Dota-2 games: That One FPS We Own: Global Offensive and That Other FPS, the One with the Russian Guy 2,” a Valve spokesperson mumbled into a tape recorder, which he later sent to the social media intern to spice up with funny memes. “We were running out of room in our office, so we decided that we needed to consolidate two all-but-abandoned cubicles into one.”

The spokesperson added that the merger was also to avoid awkward incidents of Valve confusing one game for the other, as happened when Valve released a train map to the wrong FPS for the End of the Line Update.

To assuage fan fears that Valve would release ranked matchmaking anytime soon, the Seattle-based video game corporation has announced many more features that are still not matchmaking. In the upcoming years, TF2 fans should expect a new line of TF2 shoes; a Heavy balance change, allowing him to travel only by the recoil of shooting his minigun; a new DLC character from Star Wars: The Force Awakens; and a compendium to build a fund for convincing Valve to fund a tournament.

“I would like to extend a final thank you to Bad Robot and Escalation Studios for producing this game mode,” Valve’s Robin Walker announced. “This isn’t the first example of Valve relegating an essential gameplay element to a third party, and I have a feeling this kind of arrangement is going to happen for a long, long time.”

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