Bits and Pieces of this life of mine

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Relationships

Last week I informed Adam about the hearing (and to let him know I sent him a copy of the appointment, as required) and asked him when can I expect the $150 from him (as I was paying for this upfront, just like all the other fees for this divorce) and he replied, on the 23rd, with the following:

“I have been sick recently and may be going to the hospital again soon. I had an insulin reaction and I think I may have aspirated some vomit. Yuck, I know. I just feel like crude right now and am worried about getting pneumonia again.”

To which I replied with:

“Well, since I’ve paid for everything else (filing fee ($105), forms ($35), etc) it would be nice if you could pay for this. I scheduled the hearing for 12/31/07 at 10am. I mailed you the notice on Friday so you should be receiving it soon. I have to pay $150 in cash for the hearing. If you could mail me a check for the $150, that would be great (after all, you’ve been telling me that you were going to mail a check since April).”

And he replies with:

“Sorry, I just had a problem with my e-mail and I lost the last message you sent.

I will have to send the Check spread out, I am sorry, but I am dead broke right row.

What is the address?”

In the mean time, I’m thinking how he’s being so full of crap. This boy can’t follow his trail of lies if his life depended on it! Also, it was rather annoying to see that he asked for my address after he’s mailed me the papers how many times? So, I replied with the following:

“The address is the same; 2** ***** ****** **, MD

How much are you sending? Keep in mind that I am paying for this upfront (and I have a lot of other expenses, such as daycare, like you do), just like all the other expenses for this divorce and I am expecting you to pay me back (at least the $150 for the hearing).”

After a few hours I receive the following:

“Guess I will be sending you the $150 soon. I have been snowed in and without power for a few days, it came back just in time for New Year’s. Ugh. I hate snow. I am going to try and send my bills out this week.”

I was pretty much done by this point. It was Wednesday (the 2nd) and I asked him when can I expect the check in the mail and he replied that he’ll be mailing his bills out ‘today or tomorrow’, with would have been the 2nd or 3rd. I didn’t reply to his last email. I suppose that if I do receive a check (not really expecting to) that I will let him know it was received. I sent Greg a copy of the emails Adam and I exchanged and Greg feels I shouldn’t be counting on his check either.

What gets me is that he was lying to me and has lied to me numerous times through out this divorce process. I’ve been honest with Adam throughout the time he and I have been together (dating, marriage, and divorce), why would he lie about petty shit like this? What is the point; he knows I know that he’s lying and I’ve called him out on a few of his lies (like when the post office, nor Staples, had envelopes big enough to mail the divorce forms). Also, he’s using his diabetes as a card or excuse as to why he doesn’t have money (“I’m sick and might be going to the hospital… I had an insulin reaction and I think I may have aspirated some vomit”) or as to why he hasn’t been able to do anything.

Adam has become pathetic. He’s abusing his illness to seek sympathy from others or as an excuse as to why he can’t do anything. And that is sad. I’m surprised he hasn’t applied for SS since he’s making himself sound disabled.

I am relieved that I don’t have to put up with his bullshit anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I tried to make him happy and see that he can be a ‘normal’ person with diabetes and live a happy life but he couldn’t accept happiness and I couldn’t accept his bitterness.

It feels amazing to be in a ‘normal’ relationship with someone. There is no schedule to follow as to when we need to eat or how much activity we need or can’t do (because it will affect his sugar levels).

Not that I am opposed to dating someone with diabetes, as most diabetics (type 1or IDDM), now a days, use an insulin pump to maintain and regulate their glucose levels and are pretty much able to live a ‘normal’ schedule free lifestyle. I have no problems adjusting my diet to meet their needs (that’s how I became a diet soda drinker and haven’t gone back to regular soda in nearly 10 years; same for juices and some desserts) and so forth.

The relationship with Adam, looking back, was very challenging. And I stuck with it for nearly 10 years and thought that I could accept and live with this life style (the constant mood swings from him, his inability to keep a job, me working two jobs to maintain a home for us, his deep unhappy and bitterness outlook on life) and had a slight hope that maybe I would be the person that could make him feel happy (and his sister once told me that no one in his family thought that anyone would marry him because of his temperament and other small things) and move on with his personal hate about being a diabetic. I guess I failed in that sense. But, it was a good failure because I did learn a lot about what is important to me; how I have to learn to do things for myself and not for others; to put my needs first and if I need to be happy then I need to do what it takes to make me happy – which is what I learned in late 2004. I asked Adam to leave at the end of our lease (which was May 2005) with no intentions of continuing our marriage. The relationship wasn’t a complete nightmare; we did have a few memorable times, such as when we went to Boston in Aug. 98, the three HFStivals we attended, when he treated me to a Penn and Teller show at the Lyric Opera House for my birthday, going to the movies together and the drive through Hunt Valley/ Cockeysville on summer nights. It’s the emotional aspect of the relationship that had the biggest affect and it was too much for me to continue with the relationship.

The only regret that I have about the relationship with Adam is that I didn’t listen to my heart/gut/instinct. I wasn’t in-love with Adam and I wasn’t happy. I knew, deep down inside, that we weren’t soul mates but I didn’t listen; I wanted to prove myself, and others, that ‘they’ were wrong. I was being naive, stubborn and hard-headed and I paid the price, so to speak. As ‘they’ say, “We learn from our mistakes.”

As for my current relationship with Greg, there’s a night and day difference. I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as I am now and Greg feels the same. We’ve both discussed our last significant relationships and compared them to ours and we both agree that what we have now is completely different than what we’ve had in the past. There is no second guessing the true, deep, meaningful love that we have for each other; the amazing connection we feel; the fact that we were meant to be with each other. There is no denying, no ‘what if’, no doubt that we will be together until ‘death do us part’.

I wrote earlier, I think, (if not, I’ve been thinking about it) that I am slightly hesitant about marrying again. I don’t want to go through another divorce, especially with Greg as we already have so much invested together. But, the more I think about Greg and the life that we’ve created together (more than metaphorically speaking); I can only see things, in life, getting better. Greg and I have discussed what new car we’re going to buy (Nissan Rogue); the type of furniture for the bedroom (reason for our possible Ikea trip this weekend); and where we would like to settle down and buy our first house, the most amazing thing about all this is that Greg and I have the same interests, ideas, goals, thoughts and feelings about all these important steps we’re going to make. There is absolutely no compromise for us (except maybe color of the car); neither one of us has to give up something to make the other happy. This is an amazing feeling for us. We’re on the same, exact, page for every important decision, purchase, or discussion. The only two items that are ‘issues’, and they’ve been mentioned many time before, are my diving habits and Greg’s lack for being punctual (though we’ve both improved some).

I don’t believe Greg and I have ever had a fight; neither of us has slept in another room because we were angry at each other or other things of the sort. We’ve had minor disagreements about actions one of us have done but nothing to the point that we fought over it. This is going back to the very beginning of our friendship.

I remember my first fight/argument with Adam. We were 6 months into our relationship and we were on vacation in Boston (where we stayed with my Uncle). It was towards the end of the trip and we were getting ready to go into the city (we stayed in Canton , Ma and had to take a train to Boston ) and Adam was telling me to hurry up. I was in the shower shaving my legs and he was being so adamant about the time that I only shaved one leg and got out to get dressed. After I was dressed and ready to go he decides to shave his face! I was very angry at him and told him he could have shaved while I was in the shower!! So, I just left and headed to the train station (we walked to the train station – it was about a mile, give or take). If he made it on time then good for him, if not it wasn’t my fault. He made it on time.

Greg and I have been ‘together’ (friendship and all) since Aug. 20, 2005 with no arguments like the ones I’ve had with Adam. We’ve had no conflicts; no opposing beliefs on how to raise children (and now Amelia); nothing that would cause us to go our separate ways.

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6 thoughts on “Relationships”

I don’t wish an abusive or bad relationship on anyone but they are the ones that really teach us what we’re made of and the ways we don’t want to fight or to argue with a lover are and the things we don’t want in a relationship.

But I also think that even good and healthy relationships need to face times of disagreement and discord too. It is equally important to have those moments so you can see what you’re both made of and how you both work things out. It’s a learning experience.

It’s sounds like you’re with the one who you’re supposed to be with and that you cherish every moment with him. 🙂

I don’t wish an abusive or bad relationship on anyone but they are the ones that really teach us what we’re made of and the ways we don’t want to fight or to argue with a lover are and the things we don’t want in a relationship.

But I also think that even good and healthy relationships need to face times of disagreement and discord too. It is equally important to have those moments so you can see what you’re both made of and how you both work things out. It’s a learning experience.

It’s sounds like you’re with the one who you’re supposed to be with and that you cherish every moment with him. 🙂

I agree. Not everyone is going to see ‘eye to eye’ on everything, and we need those differences to develope.

Greg and I do have our difference but they are no where near the level that Adam and I had (or Greg and his ex); we have a lot more in common with each other and I believe that’s what makes our relationship so strong.

I agree. Not everyone is going to see ‘eye to eye’ on everything, and we need those differences to develope.

Greg and I do have our difference but they are no where near the level that Adam and I had (or Greg and his ex); we have a lot more in common with each other and I believe that’s what makes our relationship so strong.