A Super PAC hell-bent on unseating President Obama this fall has unveiled their genius plan for convincing America that its current Commander-in-Chief is unfit to lead. Get an "extremely literate" black Republican to appear on a commercial and refer to the President as a "black, metrosexual Abe Lincoln." That would be a brilliant plan if a black, metrosexual Abe Lincoln didn't sound like the coolest fucking person ever, and calling for an "extremely literate" black person didn't sound totally fucking racist.

Metrosexual black Abe Lincoln would occasionally play saxophone with The Roots. He'd be tall and lanky and dress in bowties, sort of like Andre 3000, but less cartoonish. He'd have his Ph.D in African American Literature and dabble in engineering, just for fun. Metrosexual black Abe Lincoln would collect antique pocket watches and teach urban youth how to restore them. He'd be an accomplished competitive lumberjack and an expert on the yo yo. He'd never wear mom jeans. Metrosexual black Abe Lincoln would be the coolest person to ever walk the face of the planet.

Nonetheless, the Super PAC, bankrolled by billionaire Joe Ricketts, plans to roll out the multimillion dollar hit job on the President in the coming months. In addition to insulting the President by making him sound like the most awesome human in the world, the PAC plans to attempt to tie Obama to Pastor Jeremiah Wright, who they say preached a "black liberation theology." Ricketts says he is prepared to spend significant resources in order to make sure that the President isn't re-elected, because he's worried about the direction of the country, which doesn't make a lot of sense to me, because Ricketts, as owner of the Chicago Cubs, will always have money up to his ears, as long as there are drunk douchebags from the Chicago suburbs who don't care about a baseball team that can win as much as they care about getting drunk inside of a stadium.