Rediscovering Life at 40 (something)

Many years ago when I hit PUBLISH here for the first time, I was so unsure of my future–mourning over the loss of my marriage, and trying to focus on a joyful, grateful heart–no matter how fleeting the feeling was some days. I was working to redefine my life. Writing was a big piece of this journey, and, unexpectedly, I became connected to thousands of people through my writing. They followed me on social media, left comments here, and reached out privately to share their experiences and thoughts.

When people asked why I stopped blogging, I always said because life is so busy now, which is an honest statement. 2014 was the last year I wrote with any regularity, but even that year was a lot less than previous years. 2014 was the year Sean and I married, merged two homes into one (a very painful process–I don’t recommend it), and my business exploded. Yes, I was limited in time. But was that the only reason?

Lately, my fingers have been twitching with a need to write again. But until I discovered within me the “why” of that need, I didn’t want to leap back into blogging.

Contemplating the “why,” I realized that life “fell together” for me. I shared in my writing grief, heartache, triumph, uncertainty, joy, confidence, frustration, and more over the years while pursuing being that naked girl in a dress.

Looking back, what was there to write about after 2014? What I was working towards had come to fruition. There were still challenges and insights into living a happy life, but the urgency just wasn’t there to type words and hit PUBLISH.

But something deep inside me knew I wasn’t done. Some bloggers I came up with many years ago have pulled their blogs down. Others have rebranded with a new writing focus. Like me, another percentage transitioned into different opportunities in the digital space. Even though I have only written two blog posts in the last three years, I remained firm in leaving this site up. I am not sure if I knew I would be back or I just didn’t want to take my writing down for others (dormant, this site still has thousands of page views per month).

If the “falling apart” is what brought me into this blogging world, and the “falling together” was the impetus to fade from this space….

Why return to writing now?

In the last year, our world has been falling apart, and there’s no sign we are turning a corner to happier days. Every single day this reality seeps into my psyche, and it’s impacting me. From what I see around me, I am not alone.

I have come to fully understand why my fingers want to get back to work; they want to help me find my way back to more happiness, joy, peace, and a deeper appreciation for what is truly good in this world. At times in our lives, we have to work harder towards achieving peace and happiness. That is the time to be more vigilant in our efforts. For me, an essential part of the path involves writing.

If you are new here, welcome. Take a look around to discover the body of my work here. To my veteran readers, thanks for coming back to join in the conversation again. May we all work towards greater peace, joy, and gratitude in 2018.

~Kelly

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“I am a feminist. I’ve been female for a long time now. I’d be stupid not to be on my own side.” ~Maya Angelou

After the presidential election, I, like many, struggled. There were tears, fearful thoughts, anger, and more.

Two months later, I took a pro-active approach to inauguration day. Instead of sitting in a puddle of tears, I decided to spend inaugural night attending a special women’s event held at a D.C. restaurant. There were eight organizations in attendance, all focused on different aspects of supporting girls and women through the process of running for office. Along with inspiring speakers and great food was the feeling of camaraderie among young girls and women.

I joined a table of women from different parts of the country and varied careers. Our small group included a college student, educator, and three female entrepreneurs. In between speakers, we had the opportunity to get to know each other, network, and share more about our professional lives. I thought I was with “my people,” only to be shocked as our conversation turned towards hiring practices.

One woman at my table, with great conviction, was explaining to us what horrible employees single mothers made, and that she now has a policy to exclude single moms as candidates when hiring. The women at our table were silent as she continued to spew about her illegal hiring practices….except me.

My response went something like this:

“As a woman who started my company when I was a single mom, and as an employer who has almost exclusively hired single women, I disagree with you. Single mothers probably work harder than most, having the incredible responsibility of often supporting a family solely on their income or with some support supplemented.”

-I was told I was able to successfully hire single moms because I live in a metropolitan city.

-Then it was explained to me that single moms have this sense of entitlement.

-My favorite excuse: I was educated on how difficult it was when a single mom called in because her son was sick. What an imposition! To quote this female entrepreneur: “I mean, am I supposed to do her work then?”

All of the female entrepreneur’s reasons for illegally discriminating against women based upon martial and parental status were met with comments from me.

Points I raised:

She has illegal hiring practices.

I have never met a single mom with a sense of entitlement.

My employees mostly live outside the D.C. area so no “metropolitan excuse” could be applied to my team.

The conversation was calm and respectful, with both of us just trying to help the other understand our position. It ended politely, but with neither one of us shifting in our thoughts regarding her hiring practices.

A few days have passed, and yet I keep coming back to that conversation–no less frustrated than I was that night. Listening to a woman business owner explain her discriminatory hiring practices against women illuminated for me the extent of the systemic problem we have in this country. Men and women, but especially women, have to lift up and provide opportunities to ALL without discrimination. And we have to speak up! The rest of the women had the same responsibility I did to challenge what she was saying. Silence is often confused with acceptance.

Join me in supporting ALL people ALL the time, no matter how uncomfortable it is to call someone out. I know it’s not easy, but it’s our responsibility.

If you recently spoke up in support of a group of marginalized people, tell me about it below!

As a mostly failing recovering Type-A personality, making long lists of resolutions at the start of a new year isn’t something I espouse to any longer. Recently finding a list I created many years ago was a reminder of how much progress I have made in getting past the torturous experience I once used to do to myself annually. It had major categories for each area of my life in bold, and each of these sections had far too many goals. These were achievements I wanted in my life in just a year’s time, and yet most of the items I still could not check off as accomplished; it’s simply too daunting trying to tackle 75 things in a year.

In the last few years I got a little smarter, sharing a list I created that was only filled with things that would make me happy. It was certainly a good start in moving towards realistic goal settling. Looking at that list, though, I realize that while all of those things would have made me happy that year, many were not accomplished for either financial reasons or a lack of time. Progress, but not quite the result I wanted.

The very next year I decided to create a simple list of only three words that I would strive to achieve in my life. Easy enough, right? Not really, when balance has been a lifelong struggle. Instead of three words, I probably should have just chosen one. Or chosen some easier words, like “wine,” “baseball” or “sleep.”

Older, wiser, and a few years later, I created a very simple goal for myself. I thought about what one thing seems to be slipping away or bothering me, and just hone in on improving that single aspect of my life. What I realized is that at my stage in life, girlfriend time doesn’t happen unless someone makes a plan. When the kids were younger, girlfriend time was effortless. It involved coordinating time for the kids to play or being part of a pick-up playdate outside in nice weather.

This year, I decided, would be the year of the girlfriend. I have enjoyed more pedicures this year than I had in the last several years combined. Going to work out at a CrossFit box means seeing one of my closest friends. It has involved dinners out, a few wine tastings, and even just walks around the lakes in my community to catch up. It might only be snippets of time in all of our busy schedules, but we are making time to get together. And, what I have found when reaching out to initiate, is that all of us feel the same way about the lack of social time we have now that the kids are older.

The craziness of summer vacations clashing with other friends’ family plans and trying to balance work and life with the kids home has meant fewer outings. With school starting back up, I have a renewed interest in the commitment I made to myself at the beginning of the year. There’s a new pedicure appointment on the calendar, I have a women’s wine tasting dinner with two other friends, a fabulous fall event at Mount Vernon, and I will be back in the box regularly soon.

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