Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Why oh why

So then, why did I stop / pause / break / sojourn / cease / halt the posts on a blog that was yet to score posts in double digits? As is almost always the case in such matters, the blame must go to the author himself... er... moi.

To begin with, the better reason(s): I got busy with RL, as they refer to Real Life in this realer-than-real life. This is always a good thing, believe me you. It proves that you do have a life! I mean, RL caught up with me man! I got busy doing stuff in real life so much so that it didn't allow me to get onto the net, this site, this blog, and look at a hefty 60-odd comments that my last real post had quite surprisingly generated. Now that must be a kick!

Another: there is something about creating life, bringing another human into this world, that shakes your foundations. I remember the first time it made me soft on the inside for a few days. Yes, I admit it only lasted a few days, but it did bring about that change in me. There was a tenderness in approach, something I'm not very accustomed to. I was very conscious of the interactions I was having with people all around. I went out of the way to ensure I did not hurt anyone with words.

The second time around - this time - the effects were a little different. Well, the circumstances were different. The recession was raging, at its peak. People whom I'd been close to for a long time suddenly began to behave differently, or even indifferently. So when the child was born, I had the same thoughts of amazement and wonderment on this whole creation of life thing, but somehow I turned a bit of a fatalist. I think I hardened a bit on the inside this time. I did not actively spread the cheer, so to say. I only shared the news with people whom I thought cared about the news or event more than just to gossip about it.

In perspective, I learnt different aspects of life in the aftermath of two very similar events.

But then, it would be unjust to leave out other major reasons for the hiatus.

Yes, as I said, an extraordinarily large proportion of people I thought I knew well, turned. Or rather did things around me that I would not have expected them to do. No, I'm not going to name them, nor hint at those situations or happenings. Those are best left where they have been relegated.

But it is interesting to look at the results. Although this unexpected chilling of relations across the spectrum disturbed my faith in those people, it did not shake my faith overall, on life, on relationships, on expectations. I think I know the reason for that. I have always been the kind of guy who had the least of expectations from others. There was a basic set of hygiene aspects, if when disturbed, would do a binary shift in my thought process for people / events. But otherwise my favourite line always has been: You cannot fall off the floor. (Actually, that's conditional too. I mean, an earthquake could ensure that the floor you were fallen upon - heh heh - actually fell several floors; but hey, what the heck.)

For quite a while I whined about it internally. When people asked me about the changes they perceived in my outlook I gave them vague and confusing answers. Internally I looked at myself as a victim and moped about it. After a while I realised I was only making an excuse. I had always told myself I could never determine others' actions, and that I could only fashion my reactions to external circumstances. So why did I forget my own golden rules? Others may behave strangely, but they are within their rights to do so. All I had to do was to bother about how I was letting this affect me. Once this realisation dawned anew on me I was back to my usual self.

But then, this sordid, but commonplace and boring, tale does not end here. The reasons I listed above only contributed to maybe ten months of inaction. The rest of the period of slumber can be attributed to inertia. Yes, that scientific principle you never studied well enough in high school.

What's next, you ask? Probably a post on what fell through the crack. Heck, call it a (shamefaced) chasm...