Billy Connolly’s top ten jokes

Believe it or not, veteran funnyman Billy Connolly is now into his 70s. Here are EX mag’s top 10 gags from The Big Yin.

10: “My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”

9: “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

8: “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

7: “I worry about the strangest things. Like, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the mornings? That can keep me awake for days.”

6: “Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosy… Doesn’t try it on.”

5: “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of The Lone Ranger.”

4: “Have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?”

3: “That man (Ronald Reagan), he sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father’s younger than him and we don’t give him the controls for the television!”

2: “Do you remember that politician who died wearing the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?”

1: “The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.”