I can’t believe I’m talking about this because I am the last person I can think of that would “deadma” something especially if it would trigger so many feelings. With everything that happened to me,… More

I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.

Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.

I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.

As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.

“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”

I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.

“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”

I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.

I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.

It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.

Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.

Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.

I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.

I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.

Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)

Share a link to your best post(s)

(For future nominees, you may use the above “rules” to comply on your award post)

I was nominated by Zheng Fan to do this Mystery Blogger Award. It’s such a pleasure to be nominated to something like this not because of the “award” or title itself (I’m basically clueless about these things) but because people thought of me to be part of this and that’s what matters most.

To Zheng Fan, we only interacted very little for the past days simply because I think we just found each other’s blogs very recently. Now that I kept reading what you write, I feel like (aside from regularly reading your stuff now) I found someone who I can relate to and someone I’d learn a lot of stuff from. Thank you for nominating me!

Answering your questions are fun and refreshing!

3 Things About Myself:

As much as possible, I write not only to express my raw emotions but to help other people learn from my experiences.

I have depression, anxiety and OCD. But that is not going to stop me from being successful. I have suicidal tendencies but I try to be as strong as I can!

I love my mom and the rest of my family so much.

Wow, these 5 questions are so simple but so hard to answer! It took me a lot of minutes to get through these simple questions and I found myself weighing things like my life depended on it. Nonetheless, I found it enjoyable!

Who is your one favourite public person (in the history of mankind)? Why?

Oh my god why is this so hard to answer? I don’t know a lot of public people, like I don’t know their advocacies and principles in life. I guess my favourite public person would be none other than, Oprah Winfrey. She went through hell and back but still managed to become a successful individual. She did not let her struggles get the best of her and that is very inspirational for me. It makes all my struggle easy to deal with by just knowing that people like Oprah fought their way to success even if it was so hard to do.

What is your one favourite song? Why?

I have a lot of favourite songs and it’s hard to choose just one. But maybe, as of the moment, I’ll go with “Grace to Grace” by Hillsong United. If you haven’t heard of that song, listen to it especially when you feel like everything is fucking up. It helps so much!

Define yourself in less than 15 words?

I am friendly online, very shy in real life.

What is the one most important trait you look for in a partner?

Loving. When you are loving, everything follows. A loving person cares, when a person cares, they wouldn’t want to break your trust, they’d stay loyal and support you no matter what. When they love you, they’d tell you when you did something wrong so you can improve yourself and when you did something awesome, they’d appreciate it.

What is life to you?

For me, life is an awesome adventure. The image of adventure to me is where you find purpose, learn that purpose, meet amazing people, learn a lot of lessons the hard and easy way, accepting defeat and standing tall after every fall. That for me is an adventure—and that’s how I see life.

It’s the early 2000s and as I wait for my school bus, I called Faye using our landline “Wala pa si tito bobbit?” –tito bobbit is how we call our school bus driver. I had to call her just to make sure that the school bus hasn’t arrived yet because I am starting to think that maybe, tito Bobbit forgot about me or that I was still sleeping when he came to pick me up, gahh my anxiety. Obviously, wala pa because Faye is still there. Faye gets picked up first, then me, then Bea. The phone call ended immediately because there’s nothing to talk about at just 6:00 in the morning. I called Bea and told her that Faye has not even been picked up yet. She’s relieved because she just finished taking a bath so I told her to get ready “bilisan mo na!”

I turn the radio on and turn it up as Avril Lavigne sang Complicated. “somebody else ‘round everyone else you’re watching your back like you can’t relax, you’re trying to be cool you look like a fool to me”. I don’t really like her, well my best friend Gee and I didn’t like her but I sing along to the song and hear my school bus honk its horn and I ran for the door. My brother Aldous wanted me to eat pandesal with Ligo sardines because he insists it tastes good. Sometimes it tastes good but more often than not, I don’t like it. “Di ka kakain??” sounding a little disappointed, I smiled and said “eh andito na si tito bobbit eh”. In a few seconds, I am out the house, running to the gate. “Hi Tisay!” tito Bobbit greeted, I used to hate him for calling me Tisay but since he started that when I was in 1st grade, I kinda grew to just let him call him that even if he meant the opposite of “tisay”.

I enter the school bus (it wasn’t a bus per se but a big van filled with girls since I go to an all-girls school) and sit on my usual spot in the morning trip. Everyone is quiet inside the bus, most of my friends are trying to still catch some sleep before school happens and some are just staring blankly somewhere. I sat there, look out the window and kept singing Complicated in my head. I reached for Cool Air gum in my pocket and ate two of it. Usually I would save the other piece for a different time.

I can’t wait to reach school and tell my best friend how I like Complicated and loathe Sk8er Boi like it’s the most important thing to say. I started thinking about how my day would pan out, I can’t wait for lunch time because we’d go play at the school’s Playground! No one usually goes there at lunch time so I like it. I am already planning the course we’d take for my made up Global Guts and Legends of the Hidden Temple and smile at the thought that of course, Gee and I would win again today. We always aim to be the Champs especially since I stopped being a scaredy cat for the high monkey bars and bridge we’d cross.

–

I remember how I felt that day, I remember how easy everything was and the only thing complicated was Avril Lavigne’s Complicated.

I said it before and I’ll say it again. 2018 was not the best but definitely not the worst especially now that I am realizing I did learn a lot of things this year. It was not as shitty as 2017 as we all know that’s the year I suffered a lot. However, true to what I believed, 2018 was the year of my healing. It wasn’t all bright and sunshine-y because maybe, I was thinking that healing is this really happy place of acceptance and repentance and love and everything hopeful only to find out that healing is embracing pain, lifting yourself up every time you fall down, it’s forgiving others and mostly yourself for every stupid thing that put you in pain, it’s learning to open your doors again, it’s understanding that there would be circumstances that will break your heart but you’ll eventually be okay, it’s meeting other people and learning from them, it’s being okay with solitude, it’s a lot of things far better than what I thought it would be. Although definitely difficult, still, it’s beautiful.

2018, my year of healing, you did not let me down. God did not let me down and of course, the universe did not let me the fuck down this time and gave me a fully healed heart. So I will share with you guys my top/favourite things I learned this year.

No other than, self-love. It wasn’t easy to love myself knowing full well that I am so flawed. That I hurt people, I am judgmental and I always always close my door without giving other people chances whatsoever so it’s really hard for me to love myself because of who I have become but this year, I learned and I was able to give myself some loving and the rest just followed! Everything changed and I am happy!

Balancing my pride. It was hard because I am filled with pride and if it can kill, I’m already dead but this year was just so humbling that I learned how to balance my pride and all that.

I understood that imperfections and losing a bit of control is okay. Sometimes, being too controlling can ruin your life so I stopped and learned how to let things go without the automatic palpitations that comes with it.

I accepted the fact that there will always always always be room for improvement therefor it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to not be the best.

I don’t have anything planned for 2019 yet because I am trying to teach myself how to get through each day with the “one day at a time” mentality. Mostly it will be very very very difficult for me but at least, I am trying. I have set mini goals though and maybe these are resolutions? I am not sure but whatever.

One of my main problems is I suck at replying to people. Whether it is a message or a comment, I suck at it. The most that people get from me is if they tweet me because 80% of the time, I wouldn’t miss w twitter comment or something like that. Although there’s about 20% chance I would miss it but still.. (oh forgive me for the use of ellipses he he) so this year, I will work more on my ability to actually reply to people. It’s not their fault I suck at it and it’s nothing personal. 80% of the time, I didn’t get to see it. AT ALL. and 20% I reply on my head. This time I’ll be more reliable when it comes to virtual communication. Hayy

I don’t know but I don’t save people’s numbers on my phone. I guess I’m too irresponsible and lazy to do so. This year, I’ll try to save people’s number!!

I’ll try to smile more. I don’t do it in person that’s why I get mistaken for being super sungit but I’m just really shy. Too shy to smile levelz.

I was writing my year recap when I decided to stop and read what I wrote last year. My oh my, 2017 was actually really bad. Worse than 2018 I swear hahaha. I was cringing the entire time when I read my past entries. Grabe, nkklk.

I attempted to write my highlights or even do a year recap but it’s pointless, most of my highlights have already been written here (so ano? Paulit ulit tayo haha)

Instead, let me write about how happy I am.

I am not really a festive person, I don’t like celebrating things especially Christmas because I have been always grieving for the past years. Laging may namamatay and it’s just so lonely to even think of celebrating in a funeral home diba? So the best plot twist that 2018 gave me is to have a chance of celebrating this year’s Christmas day filled with joy and happiness. I mean it’s still not perfect because 2 of my brothers are not home for Christmas but this is the first time that no one died and no heart breaking incident happened. Of course, like I said it wasn’t perfect because I don’t have enough money to buy people gifts but the good side is I don’t have money because they held my salary because…I am already turning over my work!!! I have finally submitted my resignation letter muhahahaa.

So what else am I happy about despite my nagtitipid ass?

FULLY HEALED FROM THE PAST!!!!!!!!

(not) ready to start my new job in Feb!

My mental health is in a better state compared to the past months filled with anxiety.

What else? Ahhh I can’t think of anything else to write about. I am just really happy right now and I hope everyone else is happy too.

By the way, how was your Christmas celebration? Did you guys celebrate Christmas?

Mini side chika: we didn’t really prepare for Christmas as in we didn’t cook anything. We spent our Christmas day at our relative’s house where other relatives stay there to celebrate too. It was really fun and for the first time in many years, it felt good to celebrate Christmas.

I miss chikahan with you guys so tonight, I will visit your blogs muhahaha. Bye!

It took me 2 years to finally move on from all the pain and sabi sa cliché time heal all wounds at napatunayan ko nanaman nga na totoo yan. Time really did heal all the wounds, hindi lang sakin pati na rin sa dati kong friends.

I always miss the point of living in the NOW only to be reminded by several things, events and most especially, God to stop overthinking what will be.

I worry so much about tomorrow that I miss the point of today. Don’t be like me.

Stop worrying about the future because it’s always uncertain. How sure are we that the future we’re thinking about will exist if we die tomorrow? Or what if we die today and instead of living in the moment, we kept thinking about what will happen next week?

So stop it. Whatever it is you’re worrying about, forget it. We can always and only hope for so much, for things to be better and convenient but it’s a waste of time to think about it to the point that you’re wasting away your days.

—

Last last week I think, was the week I kept crying. Every day, I worry about my finances. My family’s needs, my needs, travel funds and all that crap. As in naiiyak ako point blank just thinking about it and Kyx would comfort me, he would assure me that I don’t need to worry because he’s there with me et cetera, et cetera. Aside from I can actually rely on Kyx in times of needs, ang tagal pa ng iniisip ko! It’s not even here yet, it’s not even about to happen. It’s all in my head and I keep stressing myself about it. Ano ba yan?