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After my last post, in which I explained how cheating on your spouse by having an emotional long-distance affair is not a sane way to save your marriage, I have decided to write an ode to monogamy. I recently got engaged, so this may clarify my commitment to those who were wondering what spurred my sudden fetish for healthy relationships. This ode may be seen as a response to the typical jerk that contaminates any conversation on relationships. He (always a he) will spit on the ground, roar a little to clear his mind from the testosterone that has been blocking common sense and then dive into a lecture. His argument typically touches on evolution first – an ironic start, as I feel that those who take prise in being a jerk should have a more thankful attitude toward natural selection. He will explain how our ancestors are not monogamous and we were never meant to be. As a man, he will elaborate, his duty is to spread his seed and not to surpress his nature. His final conclusion despises the social convention that marriage is. He will be a happy single and never be tied down. Dear jerk, listen closely.

The writers of this book were never an attractive spous. This is how to hide your disappointment.

Many things have changed the last few thousand years. We started walking up straight, went on using tools and got less hairy (at least I did). Also, the more evolved among us started to see the added value of a shared life. Looking for a partner makes one vulnerable and sharing the responsibilities to provide for food dramatically increases the odds of actually having food. If you partner up and do what you do best, a win-win situation should arise. As we developed this, we stopped playing with our own feces, started wearing clothes and had free time to develop philosophies, math and eventually literature and other forms of art. I suggest you take development as a package deal. As long as you sit naked in a corner, smearing your poop on the wall, you’re more than welcome to feast on the side effects on being controlled by your instincts.

A real man controls his urges. He may feel the need to fart in public, but being well-raised and in control, he doesn’t. In the same manner, the duty of caring for a life-long mate is something valuable, that takes devotion and steadfastness. This duty heavily outweighs the animalistic urge to copulate with as many women as possible. In fact, if you value the latter duty over the former, your duty according to the rest of us is making sure your seed doesn’t get anywhere and never has a chance to disturb mankind. As for social conventions, you owe your life to them. It’s only our civilised manners that keeps us from throwing you in a snake pit. As soon as somebody starts throwing his poop at you, run for your life.

As some of you may know, I try and solve the world’s biggest problems. In order to do so, I search the request pages on wikihow, because that’s where the thoughts of the people float most freely. Let me translate that for you. People that have to ask wikihow anything are fascinating in a lot of ways, not in the least the ways of their questions. Today’s question is posed by someone who doesn’t get what an out in the open relationship means. Ironically enough, this question is posed by someone who chooses to remain anonymous. There is a number of things this anonymous person does not get. In no particular order:

The idea of marriage. I might be using a lot of common sense and an old-fashioned view here, but whenever you chose to get married, this wasn’t your idea of a healthy relationship. Get back to normal.

The fun of having an emotional long distance affair. I hate to say this, but something inside me can understand the thrill that a sexual affair can bring. I will always believe that affairs (or the longing for them) will ruin your marriage, but besides that, I do not understand why you want to ruin your marriage for emotional long distance. You, dear anonymous question asker, must be a woman. And terribly lost in romantic comedies.

As mentioned before, the idea of out in the open. This means telling everyone, anonymous woman.

How the avoidance of resenting can be resolved by devoting a lot of energy to someone who is not in your marriage. I am not married, but I have learned that relationships get better when you work towards them. If you resent your marriage, there is a one clear solution. There is a passionate, short distance, emotional relationship available that will resolve your resentment over time, as long as you are willing to work as hard for that one as you would have for the one that you’re asking about. I’m not saying every marriage can be (should be?) saved, but as long as a long distance relationship seems like an alternative, you have to get back to normal.

How revenge can be healthy. The idea of having the affair out in the open can have two reasons: revenge or naivety. You either believe that jealousy doesn’t exist when it’s out in the open or you want to show your husband that other men are still willing to make the effort. Both are plain wrong and evil. They will destroy your marriage first and then you.