Masculinize Your Environment

Sixteen shades of salmon need not be considered any longer and a palate needs to be recognized only as the roof of your mouth. Men of this age must cast away the color wheel and discard bulky Swatches into burning piles in the street. The world, once again, can exist in basic colors that do not require an interior designer's trained eye.

No, we do not intend to become dirty slobs, but merely organized men with clean and sturdy houses that are built to last. We want houses not to woo neighbors and mothers, but to withstand tornadoes and double as bunkers of potency.

A living space (a term we as men despise) shall hereby be called a house or apartment once again. Furthermore, to combat this growing specter of indoor feminization, the aims and tendencies of men must have light thrown upon them like a cold bucket of water. Jettison this new terminology into the trash along with your manicure and handbag. Fling all unnecessary parts of your house to the garbage man. Concentrate on utility!

Men do not decorate their things unless they purchase a glow-in-the-dark condom from a pub bathroom. Meals need no garnish aside from the satisfaction of nourishment. And living environments require no coziness beyond that of a freshly tanned bear hide. It may seem that man’s current descent into womanhood is irreversible, but some measures can be taken so that they do not go quietly in the night. In order to revert your house or apartment from a salon back into a castle, take heed of the following tips and masculinize your environment before it's too late.

Set up a workshop

Find the Yellow Pages and let your fingers do the walking to "Repairmen." Then, proceed to rip every page from that section out of the book, if only to wean yourself off the propensity to call another man to perform your labor. Next, plant your presence in the basement by buying a band saw and a router. No, not a wireless router, Poindexter; a router is a wood-chewing machine that makes beavers jealous. Get the smell of sawdust up in the air and work until your nose is full of dust and soot; when you blow your nose, you should have proof that you didn't sit on your ass all day in front of the Home and Garden channel.

Remove surplus mirrors

How many men circa 1944 Normandy checked a mirror before they hit the beach? Unless you are “Vanity Smurf,” tear down those extra pieces of glass. Taunt bad luck by smashing them all. As a man, you create your own luck by busting people's chops, not through your ability to coordinate colors. Lastly, get a hair cut and tuck your shirt in; this way, the only time you'll need a mirror is to pull a wood chip out of your sclera.

Kill something and hang it on the wall

If you don't know how to gut a deer and you are over the age of 12, it may be too late, but there is hope. Make a clear statement about your house by getting something that was once living — preferably a large mammal, but fish and birds are also acceptable — and nail it to the studs. For this task, you will have to return to the Yellow Pages; only this time, your search is for "Taxidermy.”