I am beginning to feel like perhaps I should invest in CVS pharmacy stock. It seems my insurance company has invested thousands of dollars a month on my behalf. At the behest of the glorious prescription pad for which my doctor has inscribed his name and passed to me, the whirlwind of change has begun.

Yes, it is happening once again! This has been a 17-year long quest for answers and treatments based on months of needles, x-rays, MRI’s and evaluations. Now it has led to changing meds. AS modern medical testing leads to more accurate diagnosis’s, pharmaceutical companies and supplemental alternative producers throw their two cents into the mix.

In this process, I, the human being, become the guinea pig in search of what is in my best interest medically. I have tried to sum up into words what it feels like when all these changes happen and I found I can consolidate it into a short sentence. IT SUCKS!!

I woke up yesterday and spent the morning dizzy and in a haze. I felt like I was trapped in a body twice my size and difficult to move, knowing I still must work and complete what the day expected of me, yet hard to do with the cloud that circled my brain. It almost felt as if I were in London on a brisk morning trying to navigate an unknown city amidst the heavy fog.

Today was not much better, but instead of the sluggish weight I had the day before, I was like a hyperactive child needing Ritalin ®. I have anxiety that is making me so shaky, I frequently keep hitting the wrong keys on my keyboard. I did try to start this journal entry via Voice app. But my words are not dictating correctly. My heart rate is elevated. It is the transition week where I must “detox” from my ASD anxiety meds for the flushing of my liver. This is necessary to secure no damages to my liver from the toxins in meds, despite the herbal detoxification remedy that was added by my nutritionist last month. I am more nervous than that old saying “cat in a room full of rocking chairs”, I probably am as antsy as a sack of Mexican jumping beans about to be roasted on a bonfire. Good time to write though, because when I am not having moments of crying over absolutely nothing, I have a sense of humor I can put to print.

It is so easy to be full of humor and entertain others with my antics via the internet, social media. In person, it is hard, because without time to think between comments and communication with others, my “scenario” filter is not there to determine all the time what is a joke, or factual. I take everything literal, and shouldn’t. Sometimes I feel like a criminal trying to decide what my answers or replies should be when in an interrogation. My usual reply is to just stick with simple replies, such as; “ok, yes, interesting and nice”. I also pause to gauge the facial expressions of people I am with to see how I should react, and hope they never notice. I am darn good at it too! I have had decades of practice.

Here I sit on my nice back deck, enjoying the sunshine, feeling half-high from a new med temporarily replacing an old med, and scanning my yard, obsessing on everything out of place or not aligned, heart racing, regretting not being on my OCD med, yet too dysfunctional to do anything physically to remedy the disaster I see. Damn them leaves for being on my lawn, scattered in disarray and not neatly stashed in lawn bags! Screw you, you ugly weeds for peering up between the half dead grass and muck, that replaced the beautiful grass at the hands of winter! I need to go inside and not look at this…

Just another day in paradise. Those of you with medical conditions requiring medicine that has an effect or affects your mental thought process and must withdraw from them for medical reasons can understand. Between the last paragraph, I typed and this one, I have had a mini adventure. As I came in the back door with my laptop I tripped, God knows this is nothing new since I have the coordination of a drunken monkey walking backwards. My laptop, which luckily, I closed the lid, became an electronic UFO (unique flying obstacle), that soared with such great speed through the air and bounced off the counter in the kitchen and landed on the floor with a thud that my three furry kids went running for cover. The only time I have ever seen them move that fast was when they heard cheese wrappers being opened by my grandson. Whoever says dogs cannot travel at the speed of light have never seen my dogs when cheese is involved.

I picked up my laptop, that smartly has an impact tough-case for construction workers. Not that I do construction, I am more the destructive natured person by circumstance. It’s called clumsy! Yes, that’s me, but I am okay with that. They make great braces and casts for people like me. I even have a new fancy brace on my left hand that will remain part of my wardrobe until surgery for torn ligaments can be done in March.

So, I will say bye for today, and let you know tomorrow more on how my medication roller-coaster ride proceeds. Until then Cheerio people and remember that whatever life hands us, we must try to find the good among the bad and ugly, or we are not living, were just existing.

In my life, there is no greater joy than the laughter of that small voice, the snuggles given by gently arms and the soft kiss placed gently on my cheek. My grandchildren, my “short people”, the most precious part of my world. Until someone becomes a grandparent, they will never understand the feeling and emotions. There are no true words to express exactly how it feels. The moment you look at, hold and feel that first grandchild and every grandchild to follow, your heart changes, you have an overwhelming feeling of joy that is without comprehension until it happens.

I grew close to my Grandson Chase while babysitting for him for almost 4 years and the joy he brought me, made me feel 20 years younger. Some days I felt like a kid, playing with matchbox cars in the dirt and coloring until our fingers ached. Then when he was old enough for pre-school, we didn’t see each other as often. I actually suffered separation anxiety for a few days. At least we made beautiful memories that we share laughs about when I see him.

Chase has now moved to Texas with his family and my daughter gave birth last fall to another wonderful boy.

I also have Coraline Elizabeth who is now a year old, and just adorable as ever. She has such a cute giggle and beautiful blue eyes!

My other grandson and granddaughter live quite far away and I don’t see them except in pictures, and my estranged son and his wife tend to not like socializing with us because of his mental illness and narcissism draws him into a world that portrays them superior to us. It is sad, but that is their choice and I accept that. Despite knowing the pain of him only hurting my granddaughter and grandson Emma and Jayden.

FaceTime on my iPad is amazing! I sit and talk to my grandson and we share stories and adventures. He likes to tell me about his family and his classmates and all the things he is learning in school. His favorite topic just two days ago was recess. He said he has a play army of soldiers and followers and they work as a team to protect the playground from bugs. He says they scan t he area for threats and take out bugs. He says he doesn’t worry about bees or mosquitoes because his support has his back. I chuckled. What a beautiful thing childhood is, where innocence meets imagination.

We used to share many a moment in the imaginary world not too long ago. When he was small enough to climb in the laundry basket and sit, he would. Then I would grab a large plastic storage tub and climb in it next to him. One day they were our rocket ships to explore galaxies as far away as our imagination would let us go. We shot aliens, dodged asteroids and discovered planets far away. Other days, they were our vessels to travel the high seas and explore new worlds. We fought off pirates one day, and then another, we were the pirates the stuffed animal world feared, as they shivered in fright on the couch coastline.

Our adventures were always grand! He sometimes mentions them when I visit him and I tell him one day he must take his baby brother on adventures, just like we did. He smiles and says “Nana you can do them with us too when you visit”. My heart fills with joy knowing the memories we have made and will continue to make over the years. Memories I have with my grandmother inspired me to do the same. Even at 52, I still recall how special they were to me and how much I loved her, and I want my grandkids to experience the same.

Any day when I am sitting somewhere and I feel a little blue, I try to think about the most beautiful things in my life that make me happy, and my grandkids always come to mind, and I smile inside. The dirty fingerprints they leave on walls, the cheerios under the couch cushions and the matchbox cars that have been flushed, all make it the best experiences a person could cherish.