Welcome. I live with Schizoaffective Disorder, formerly diagnosed as Schizophrenia. This blog, created in 2005, is about what goes on inside my mind. It is about coping, living, and advocacy. You will find information on what psychosis, delusional thoughts, and suicidality are like, by a person who has had those experiences. Most of all, you will find a story of hope. If you have a mental illness, know you are not alone.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Losing medications, and positive affirmations....

So, things have been kind of weird lately. I've sort of fallen head over heels for my Kiwi in New Zealand, and it's been a big distraction (in a very nice way), but I became rather absent-minded about some things. Somehow I realized one day, "I don't know when the last time I took Navane was. Uh oh." And I still have no idea. I went to the pharmacy to get it refilled a couple days ago. They refilled the wrong drug. I went home, figured this out, called them. They said, "You have no refills because you just picked up a three-month supply on October 29th." I said, "No, I did not. I do not recall that at all." I really have no memory of it. But when you take like 16 different pills every day, it does become hard to keep track of them all.

So then, I talked to Tom at my pharmacy. He's one of the pharmacists who knows me since I practically live at the pharmacy. He said, "Yes, you definitely picked it up on the 29th." I said, "Well, then I've lost it." Uh oh. So today I went to see my doctor at 9:00 AM. I got there on time, even early. But the trouble was, I didn't actually have an appointment with her today. I only had an appointment with the therapist.

So I went home, and called the case manager, who was coming over, (my recovery specialist), to tell her I was going to therapy and I'd be back later, thinking to myself that I would magically get my apartment clean before I went to therapy. This didn't happen. I fell asleep. I woke up in time to get to therapy, but not in time to clean. I also fell asleep last night when I was meaning to clean.

Anyway, when I got to the therapist's office, she was not too thrilled with the fact that I had lost one of my antipsychotics, not to mention the fact that I had no idea when the last time I took it was, except that, according to Walgreens, it must have been October 29th. She immediately got on the phone, and tried to get me some assistance from the medical assistants upstairs. I knew this would do no good anyway. Once Medicare pays for a drug and you lose it, well, you lose it, and it's your problem. Not theirs. I have already had my one "emergency" refill for the year, so there is no way they were going to pay for an extra three-months supply of Navane. I have no idea how much it would cost if I were to pay for it.

I went home, after therapy, and after the therapist reminding me "Don't buy a plane ticket to New Zealand. No plane tickets!". I started frantically trying to straighten up in the 15 minutes I had before the case manager got here. And then I found it. Right down in the crevice between the kitchen counter and the fridge was my plastic bag from Walgreens, with my unopened, never used bottle of Navane, a three-months supply. And I took it immediately.

You see, what's been happening, as I explained to my therapist was, since I haven't been on any Navane at all, I have noticed an increase in the "negative symptoms" side of psychosis, where I will just be sitting and staring off into space, unable to motivate myself to do things, like, say, clean my apartment. It isn't like this all the time, but I have noticed a definite shift in the past week. And I have been living in a mess. So hopefully, finding this drug will be helpful. My doctor plans on taking me off it soon anyway, but she wants to make sure I'm able to be stable without it first. I'm not sure I am yet.

When my case manager/recovery specialist came over, she brought me this great thing. .She had written out a list of positive affirmations for me to tell myself. I was trying to figure out how to write some on my own before, and I wrote about that here. Yet, I had a hard time with this, because I have cripplingly low self-esteem, so it is hard for me to do this kind of thing. But I really like the list she came up with. So if you want some positive affirmations to use for yourself, you can use these to start out with and then write your own. You can put them on note cards, on tape them with sticky notes or little pieces of paper to your mirror or your walls or your computer....Here are mine:

I, Jennifer, want to live.

I, Jennifer, am beautiful.

I, Jennifer, am safe.

I, Jennifer love my life.

My life is worth living.

I, Jennifer, am worthy.

I am going to get some index cards to write them on, and carry them around with me in my purse. Then when I need a self-esteem boost, I will read them.

2 comments:

Remember to please not give out too much information about the "mess" in your apartment. Obviously people from health services read your blog. Remember what happened last time you talked about having a messy apartment? I'm sorry that you need to keep mum, its very vexing not to be honest in this space you have, a space where you feel free to pour out what is in your heart.

This isn't paranoia, its real. People who aren't your friend read your blog. They might think they are your friend, but they owe allegiance to a government agency. Not the CIA. Some mental health agency.

So glad you found your Navain. I have been reading your blog and just wanted to say what a brave person I think you are. You are an inspiration to me. Take care of yourself and keep up the positive affirmations, they can really work wonders.

A beautiful flower...

A bit about me and a favorite poem

I'm a 30-something feminist vegetarian quickly becoming a cat lady. I live with Schizoaffective Disorder, formerly diagnosed as Schizophrenia, as well as Sjogren's Syndrome, an autoimmune disease and Fibromyalgia. I love to laugh. I love doing advocacy to create awareness about mental illnesses, and am available for public speaking on this issue. I also love this poem: "On Stripping Bark From Myself" by Alice Walker:
"Besides:
My struggle was always against
an inner darkness: I carry within myself
the only known keys
to my death - to unlock life, or close it shut
forever. A woman who loves wood grains, the colour
yellow
and the sun, I am happy to fight
all outside murderers
as I see I must." I also like this quote by Zora Neale Hurston:
"There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you."
Some friends call me Daisybee.