Is there a male menopause? As a man in his mid-50s, I have recently become aware of getting older. Increasing age has had a curious effect on my psyche. I am noticing, on an almost daily basis, that I am thinking, feeling and behaving in ways that are starkly different from my youth and earlier adulthood. I will share these experiences on this blog and hope others will join me in describing their own age-related quirks and oddities. I can't be the only one at this "funny age", can I??

Thursday, 22 May 2014

Contrary to popular female perception, we men are sensitive
creatures. Beneath those steely exteriors cower vulnerable boys, scanning their
environments for morsels of evidence that we are valued. Our partners provide
the richest, and most potent source, of information to shape our conclusions as
to whether we are wimps or alpha males.

So ladies (at least those involved in heterosexual
relationships) you have the power. One utterance from those glossy lips can
energize or destroy the man in your life. A casual comment can deflate your mate
into an impotent quivering piece of blubber, or transform him into a strutting,
testosterone-fuelled superhero.

As I enter middle age, and beyond, I’ve been reflecting on
four decades of interactions with women and can now deliver the definitive tutorial,
entitled, “What to say, and what not to
say, to your man”.

The “sweet” comment, much used by the fairer of the species,
is sickly and patronising; the kind of thing one might say to a 2-year-old
niece when she offers you a suck of her lollipop. In contrast, telling your man
he’s “the best” taps into his primal need to be head of the pack, reassuring
him that (at least in the eyes of his partner) he is number one and will later
have his pick of the on-heat females (which, of course, will be you).

Scenario 2: Showing
the family photograph album to your offspring.

DEFLATE response: “Your dad used to be a good-looking man.”

BOOST response: “Your dad’s still a good-looking man.”

OK, the hair might be greyer, the body less toned, but the
first response might as well scream “useless has-been”. Being told that you
were once good-looking, but no longer are, is more damaging to the tender ego
of the male than accepting that one has always been battered with the ugly
stick. Alternatively, we vanity-bloated men love to believe we are still
attractive to the female form, albeit in a more sophisticated way. The boost
response will typically lead to a puffing up of the male plumage, involving chest
expansion, an erect back and a bounce in the stride.

BOOST response: “I’ll have to keep an eye on you with all
these young women sniffing around.”

Ladies, we know that the chances of women lusting after
blokes two decades their senior are as likely as their developing an aversion
for chocolate. But men like to delude themselves that at least one or two
fillies within the vicinity just might be thinking, “wow, that man is
triggering spasms in my lady bits.” Deny us this fantasy and we’d stop
showering and never change our underwear.

Scenario 4: Man
undressing in aroused state in anticipation of rumpy-pumpy, and having just
unleashed his front-room furniture.

DEFLATE response: “Ah, how cute!”

BOOST response: “Be
gentle with me.”

Men are obsessed with the size of their willies, and subject
them to frequent inspections in front of the mirror (or is that just me?).
Things described as cute tend to be small, so the deflate comment will activate
the man’s doubts about the adequacy of his nadger, inevitably impairing his
sexual performance. In contrast, the boost response implies that his weapon is
at risk of causing damage, thereby promoting virility and confidence in his
ability to satisfy.

So there you have it, the definitive guide to how men tick.
Ladies, the power is with you; use it wisely.

*** Personal note: Due to my father’s illness, over the last
few weeks I’ve not maintained my usual level of activity in the blogosphere. At
the time of writing, my father seems to be improving and, tomorrow, I set off
on a 15-night Scandinavian cruise (yippee!). So I expect my usual input to
blogging will resume from around the middle of June.