Articles for Parents

Rats and Depression

In 1967, Martin Seligman, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, started some unique research on depression. Seligman and his colleagues created an experiment in which two rats were housed in bordering cages.

In Cage One, when the rat pressed a lever for food, it was given an electric shock first. The rat in Cage Two got food by pressing the bar just like the rat in the first cage; however, the rat in Cage Two got shocked only when the rat in Cage One pressed the lever.

The rat in Cage One experienced stress, but over time, it became tolerant as it recognized that it still got food after the shock. Knowing the shock was coming when it pressed the lever allowed the rat in Cage One to still hold onto some level of control.

The rat in Cage Two experienced stress but had no control over or idea of when it would be shocked. The rat in Cage Two became sensitized to the stress, not tolerant of it.

After running these tests, they found that the rat in Cage One actually experienced some health benefits, while the rat in Cage Two experienced a weakened immune system, weight loss, and was nearly three times more susceptible to cancer.

Seligman and his team tried to reverse the changes by giving the rat in Cage Two its control back, but it was too late; it was too afraid to learn how to help itself.

The Theory of Learned Helplessness

Similar depression and submission to stress and pain can also be found in people. Seligman used his observations on the rats in his study to form links between depression and uncontrollable stressful events that we experience as children. This became the foundation of his groundbreaking Theory of Learned Helplessness.

The theory is based on the idea that we can predict and have some element of control over stress in our life, our stress decreases, and our tolerance increases. But when we experience pain and stress and feel that there is no way to escape it, we feel helpless, and our stress becomes trauma.

I’ve heard the distinction between stress and trauma best explained by Dr. Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz in their book, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog:

“Resilient children are made, not born. The developing brain is most malleable and most sensitive to experience—both good and bad—early in life. Children become resilient as a result of the patterns of stress and of nurturing that they experience early on in life. Consequently, we are also rapidly and easily transformed by trauma when we are young. Though its effects may not always be visible to the untrained eye, when you know what trauma can do to children, sadly, you begin to see its aftermath everywhere.”

Stress or Trauma

As a high-school athlete, I struggled through four years of being coached by a man whose treatment of some players was emotionally abusive. He had good intentions, but multiple players sought psychological counseling for similar issues related to their experience with him. While some athletes did okay in that environment, I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. Our coach created stress that I wasn’t ready to handle. I’ve since come out the other side and believe I am stronger for it, so it’s debatable whether my parents should have pulled me from the team.

Now, whether it’s bad coaching, bullying teammates, or toxic team culture, nearly every parent is tempted at some stage to pull their kid off the team. As parents, it can be hard for us to see them struggle with the many challenges that sports present. We know the stress that these struggles create can be healthy and build character. But at some stage, these struggles can become unhealthy and harmful, with long-term negative consequences. So, how do we know when enough is enough?

Child-and-Age-Appropriate Stress

As Seligman and others have shown, we can train our brains to deal with stress from an early age. However, not every athlete develops similar strength, speed, or skills in their sport; likewise, not every athlete develops similar tolerance for stress. What is traumatic for one child may only be stressful for another. If you’ve got more than one kid, you definitely know this to be true from an early age!

So, not only should their “struggle be age-appropriate,” as Heath Eslinger says on the Coaching Culture Podcast Episode 90, but their struggle should also be child-appropriate.

This is why a parent is most likely the best person to decide what is appropriate and manageable stress for their child. It can be valuable to seek the opinion of others, but only you know your child best.

4 Questions to Guide Your Decision

The challenges and struggles that athletes face in sports are so wide, and every person and their circumstance is unique. So, the best I can do is give you four questions to ask yourself as you decide whether or not to pull your child from the team.

1. What’s really going on?

Often, our children are unable or afraid to communicate what’s really going on. In my own athletic experience, I never spoke to my parents about what was really going on in closed practices and locker-room talks. Do some fact-finding before you make your decision.

2. What are my child’s options, and do they know they have them?

Remember the critical difference between the two cages of rats: One group had a choice; the other didn’t. Often, kids feel like they don’t have a choice. As an athlete, I played basketball all my life; I didn’t want to give up on my dream, so I didn’t feel like I had any other option than to just keep playing.

3. What previous struggles have they experienced that will prepare them for this one?

We want to prepare them for the road, not the other way around. But have we allowed them to experience other struggles before this? And if so, how have they responded to them?

4. How can I support them through their struggle?

If you decide your child should remain on the team, you’ll need to determine what type of support is both appropriate and healthy. If your child leaves the sport, you’ll need to help them find new areas of life that will challenge them.

Notes

“I’ve found that what makes children happy doesn’t always prepare them to be courageous, engaged adults.”

–Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Promote good sleep and nutritional habits. Want to instantly improve their performance? Improve their sleep and nutritional habits. When your child’s performance is struggling, before you tell them to start working harder or you criticize the coach, reflect on whether you are helping or hurting them in their most critical areas of peak performance. Don’t believe me? Check out this video or this article. As parents, we are the #1 influencer on our kids’ diet and sleep habits, and without proper sleep or nutrition, it is impossible for them to compete close to their potential.

Praise effort; celebrate achievement. Want to improve their performance and their chances of success later in life? Well, parents are also the #1 influence on the development of their mindset! We want our children to seek out and thrive on challenges (i.e., growth mindset), not avoid challenges and be afraid of failure (i.e., fixed mindset). So, in moments of achievement—or even failure—we need to be very intentional in the way we communicate our approval. I’ve written about the impact of this research before. The bottom line is this: We can celebrate the win and achievement, but we must also communicate that we are proud of them for the teammate they are, and the effort they give, not just the points they score, or the minutes they play!

Let them fail. What struggles really matter? In Episode 90 of the Coaching Culture Podcast, guest Heath Eslinger encourages coaches and parents: “Stop saving kids from the struggle. We have to allow kids to struggle in the areas that matter the most.” Struggling with their jump shot or swing does not really matter; relationships and responsibilities do! Failure is the best teacher, but we have to let our kids experience it in these areas. Does this mean we let them fail alone? No, it means we let them figure it out as we walk with them through the experience. What’s that look like? By listening and asking questions. Here are some practical ways to support and empower them in their struggle.

Establish, communicate, and enforce boundaries. Playing sports is a privilege. Practice is an opportunity to get better. My parents never had to beg, plead with, or complain to me about doing my schoolwork or chores. They established some standard non-negotiables, and they enforced them by pulling me off the team multiple times during my athletic career. Sometimes, it even cost the team, but I was the one who made the choice to not do my work, and so I needed to experience the consequences for my poor choices. Eventually, I figured it out!

“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.”

Love them.“I just want them to be happy.” I hear this a lot. It’s a problem that I’ve written about more here. I know every parent loves their child, but sometimes, the way we love them isn’t the best. Sometimes, our efforts to help or motivate them are really hurting them. We all have our struggles as parents, and areas we can work on. I’m not saying you or I are bad parents; I’m just saying we can all be better Let’s work on it!

Poverty by the Numbers

1 in 6: The consistent average number of Americans in poverty since 1970.

4 in 5: The number of Americans in poverty who will work their way out in less than three years.

3 in 10: Over 30% of Americans who have worked their way out of poverty will fall back into poverty in less than 3 years.

What You Don’t Know About Poverty

People often talk about the cycle of poverty from generation to generation, but what they don’t talk about is the cycle of poverty that is happening to many American families right now, which typically only lasts for a few months or a few years. According to the last census study, of the 45M households living at or below the federal poverty line, 35M (or a little over 75%) moved above the poverty line within four years. Great news, right?

Well, the problem is 50% of those households slip below the poverty line again within five years. Under the current system, families struggle to build the necessary assets to weather the next crisis, and they aren’t rewarded for their initiative in doing so. Policies actually penalize them for their efforts to save money for such eventualities by cutting off benefits if they manage to create even the smallest financial cushion. FII is seeking to change this through widespread systems reform and is doing so by partnering with, learning from, and investing in families directly.

While some argue that people living in poverty are just lazy (clearly, this is not the case, as we see a large majority repeatedly finding their way out), others argue for greater support through our welfare system—even though the growing investment in welfare programs over the last 50 years has not moved the needle.

So, what is the solution to this problem? Well, since 2001, the Family Independence Initiative has been taking an alternative approach with over 3,000 families who are living in poverty in some of America’s toughest cities, and their data shows that families who partner with FII for 2 years will experience, on average:

A 21% increase in monthly income;

A 42% decrease in subsidies, such as TANF and SNAP;

An increase in monthly savings account balances from $237 to $1,012.

In addition:

Many open their first savings accounts;

Nearly a third start their own business;

The number who say they have friends they can count on triple; and

94% report students have excellent or improved grades and attendance.

No case managers. No case workers. They do all this with less aide and assistance than any other social welfare program. How? It starts with a shift in perspective.

The Alternative

If you were told your local high school had a 50% drop-out rate, what would be your first question? For most of us, it would be: Why are so many students dropping out?

However, Mauricio Miller decided to start asking an alternative question: How do the other 50% make it through?

Miller was a leader in non-profits for years and, for a long time, he used a traditional approach to fighting poverty. Over time, he became discouraged with the lack of results he was seeing and acknowledged that those living in poverty had something to teach us.

He came to understand: “Families seeking help from the social sector give up some of their dignity and self-respect in exchange for a free bag of groceries, but it is the loss of dignity and control over your own life that leads to the stress some families are unable to endure.” [The Alternative]. Accepting help often entails accepting that you aren’t strong enough. As Miller says, “It can undermine their ability to see their own strengths.” [It’s Not About the Shark].

What Miller realized was that those in poverty were stronger than anyone acknowledged—including themselves—and what they needed was a system that empowered them to build the lives they always wanted.

The Family Independence Initiative

In 2001, Miller founded the Family Independence Initiative in Oakland, and its approach is unlike any other non-profit you have heard of. FII trusts and invests in low-income families across the nation, so they can work individually and collectively to achieve prosperity—and with over 3,000 families in 14 sites, FII has proven their approach works.

One of the most difficult challenges the staff at FII face is one of its most important principles: You need to not be helpful. Why? So that those in poverty can take control of and make choices to improve their lives. In fact, they are so committed to this ideal, they have fired staff members for being helpful!

So, if they don’t strive to be helpful, what do they do? Well, they start by connecting with hardworking families who are typically 200% below the poverty line and ask questions like:

What are your dreams and aspirations?

How are you going to reach those goals?

What’s the best plan for you, your family, and your community?

Instead of giving families solutions, they let them come up with the solutions. Families form collaborations of their own choosing and by working together, they form a network of support for each other. The core components of FII’s approach are family choice and control, community building, and direct capital investment. Therefore, FII does not lead these families. FII steps back. FII follows. FII offers families a state-of-the-art technology platform (UpTogether.org), which they use to strengthen networks, access financial capital and incentives, set goals and monitor progress, and support one another in achieving mobility.

Empowering Our Athletes

The positive impact of FII is undeniable. In his book about unconventional thinking to common problems, It’s Not About the Shark, author David Niven recounts the story of Tamara, a single mother and FII Family Partner in San Francisco. Tamara went from living in poverty to achieving her goal of becoming a city bus driver to saving and owning her own home in just two years! When Miller was asked about Tamara’s progress, his response was, “I didn’t have the answer for Tamara’s life. She did.”

Not only can we learn an alternative way of thinking about poverty from FII, but we can also learn a great deal about supporting others. In the realm of sports, our desire to see our kids succeed has created an athletics culture of overbearing and hyper-involved coaches and parents.

Organized sports start earlier than ever, with coaches and parents both often demanding a deeper commitment and specialization in the early years. Kids lack the choice of and control over their sport experience that used to exist 25 years ago. Long gone are the days of getting together with their neighborhood friends to play games of basketball, baseball, or tag football without coaches or referees.

As a high-school basketball player, I had no trainer and no year-round team to train with. I had a ball, a good friend, and a 100-degree gym during the summer. With a little support from our parents, and guidance from some coaches during a one-week summer camp, my friend and I—who both shared a dream of playing college basketball—built our off-season workout plan together, and then held each other accountable to that workout every day. This is very different from the experience of the average athlete today, who is being told what to do and held accountable nearly every step of their journey.

Now, the challenge is being okay with our kids or players not getting what they want because they don’t do what is necessary to achieve it. It’s a valuable part of life. We empower them by letting them know we believe in them, equipping them with a few tools, and then giving them the space to take ownership.

Questions > Solutions

Below are 4 questions you can use to empower athletes to take control of their future in sports. Whether you are a parent or a coach, these questions are far more powerful than any lecture you will give. You probably know the lecture I’m talking about: “If you really want to make it, you are going to have to start putting in some real work!”

Questions for Athletes

What aspirations and dreams do you have for your sport?

What do you need to be good at to achieve those things?

What do you need to do to be good at those things”?

How can I support you in doing those things?

Family Independence Initiative

Family Independence Initiative, and Mauricio L. Miller, can teach us all a great deal. (I’d encourage you to check out his book, The Alternative: Most of What You Believe About Poverty is Wrong.) FII is an organization that is very dear to my heart. In fact, 5% of all the profits from my book, Calling Up, will be donated to FII. You can check it out here. For more information about FII, click here and please, consider donating on behalf of FII Family Partners.

Endnotes

It’s Not About the Shark by David Niven

The Alternative: Most of What You Believe About Poverty is Wrong by Maurice L. Miller

We are just getting into the middle of
basketball, hockey, and wrestling season in America. Over the last few weeks,
nearly every high school and college coach in my mentorship program has faced
texts or emails from parents, complaining about their child’s playing time.

Every coach has gotten one of these messages.
Sometimes, they are vicious personal attacks. Other times, they start as passive
aggressive comments, like:

“I am
never the type of parent to complain…”

“I really appreciate all you do for the boys,
but…”

“I know
I shouldn’t be worried about playing time, but I’m really worried about my
daughter…”

In the last year, I’ve worked personally with
dozens of coaches and athletic directors, and I’ve realized two things:

It does
not matter how much you win, how long you’ve been coaching, or the level you
are coaching in; parents will always complain about playing time.

Often,
there is a serious disconnect between the player and the parent; they do not
share the same perspective or feelings on the matter. It usually takes parents
longer than the player to accept their role.

Regardless of the context, in my conversations with these coaches, we keep coming back to our mission and purpose as transformational coaches: We are here for these kids!

If we want to maximize our influence, we have to bite the bullet and find ways to work with parents. While the steps below should be applied loosely, they have been fairly helpful for many coaches this season.

3 Steps to Work with Parents on Playing Time

1. Ask and Listen

Ask the parent, “What am I missing? I get that you don’t agree with my decisions about playing time, and that’s okay!, But what don’t you understand?” Hopefully, you already communicated how you determine playing time at the start of the season and have included a few reminders in your communications with parents throughout the season. (I highly suggest a weekly email—even at the collegiate level!)

Now, when you ask this question, you will often just need listen to them argue why their child should be playing more. I encourage all coaches to thank parents for being willing to share their perspective.

2. Share Your Perspective

You would think winning over 20 Division 1 National Championships would shield you from parent criticism, but not in the case of North Carolina Soccer Coach Anson Dorrance! As early as 2005, he realized the importance of sharing more information with parents, including stats and fitness information from his competitive cauldron (more on that here).

Sharing with parents provides you with the opportunity to:

Reinforce how you determine playing time. You
should be able to communicate with staff, players, and parents what factors
into your playing time decision (e.g., Competitive Cauldron, Commitment, Stats,
etc.).

Share the truth about their child. Give
them the cold, hard facts on where their child falls in these areas.

Take steps to move forward. Let
them know you have communicated all this to their child (because you have,
right?). For example, you can say, “I reminded your son we determine playing
time in these categories, and this is where they are right now. Moving forward,
three things they could do to increase their chances of more playing time would
be: Staying after practice and working for a certain amount of time on a
certain skill, getting eight hours of sleep every night to help their energy
level during practice, and showing up 15 minutes early to do an additional
warm-up and five-minute mental routine.

It’s important to give specifics in all areas—especially the “steps forward”. Often, we suggest athletes should improve their “shooting” or work on their “defense”, but you can up the level of your support by helping them define specific, measurable commitments they can take to improve their play.

3. Ask, “How Can We Support Your Child
Together?”

In Episode 65 of the “Coaching Culture
Podcast”, conflict management expert Nadia Kyba discusses the importance of
moving towards action to resolve conflict. There are five ways people handle
conflict:

Avoid

Give In

Stand Your Ground

Compromise

Collaborate

In the case of playing time, Options 1-3 are
not healthy. We don’t need to compromise our values just because parents complain!

These three steps aim to shift the focus away
from the disagreement and start to collaborate. So, the final piece is to ask, “How
can we [both parent and coach] support
your son or daughter through this challenge moving forward?”

When we do this, we are taking an athlete-centered
approach. Maybe, as a coach, we need to be more transparent, have more one-on-one
conversations, change the way we are giving players feedback—or even start giving feedback!

Additionally, an athlete-centered approach encourages and calls parents up, so they can support their child as they accept their role and keep fighting (more on that here).

Related Articles

Also, if you are looking for more strategies
like these, my book, Calling Up:
Discovering Your Journey to Transformational Leadership, is packed full of strategies,
with clear examples of what they look like in action!

“Winning is great, sure, but if you are really going to do something in life, the secret is learning how to lose. Nobody goes undefeated all the time. If you can pick up after a crushing defeat and go on to win again, you are going to be a champion someday.”—Wilma Rudolp

“I’m really proud of you,” I said, as we drove home from the ball diamond for the last time that season. “Do you know what I enjoyed the most about watching you play this season?”

“What?” answered my son, quietly and sadly, from the backseat of our minivan.

“I loved seeing you play with enthusiasm at every game and every practice all season. I loved seeing you hustle on every play, whether you were batting or in the field. I loved seeing you encourage and cheer on your teammates, even after the disappointment when you struck out. It made me proud when your coaches told me how much they enjoyed coaching you and that you were one of the kids who made it worth volunteering to coach. I really enjoyed watching you play and compete this year, and I’m glad you had a lot of fun.”

I patiently waited for a response from the backseat as we drove home, but never got one.

Unexpected Disappointment

The bases were loaded. Two out. Down by three. My 7-year-old stepped up to the plate with his team’s season on the line. If they won, they’d move on to the championship game. Lose, and the season was over. Hudson was so excited to play that night, convinced his team was going to win and move on to the championship game. After a few pitches, my son connected and hit a hard ground ball to the second baseman. As the ball rolled towards the second baseman, I quietly hoped he’d make an error, but he didn’t. He picked up the ball and threw my son out at first base. Game over.

As I made my way over to the team’s dugout, the coaches gathered all the players together for one last huddle. After a few minutes, the team meeting was finished, and my son grabbed his bag and started to walk towards me. As he approached, I got ready to hand him the thank-you cards he’d made for his coaches, but he didn’t see me reach out to give him the cards. He was walking towards me with his head down, clearly trying to hold in his emotions. As he got closer, he raised his hand to his eyes to wipe away tears. There were lots of people around, and he was embarrassed that others might see him crying. Instead of grabbing the cards, he simply placed his head on my hip, and I put my arms around him.

After a few moments, he was able to compose himself and walked towards his coaches to thank them for the season, but as he handed them the cards, he was unable to utter the words “thank you”. Each time he tried, he choked on his words and more tears started to form in his eyes. His coaches thanked him for the gifts and told him how much they’d enjoyed coaching him that season. On the walk to the van to head home, I could sense the continuous buildup of emotion within my son, like a dam ready to burst. It was only as he slid into the seat that the dam burst, his emotions spilling over.

W.I.N.—What’s Important Now?

When we arrived home, Hudson changed as I prepared him a snack. The look of disappointment was still on his face as he sat at the kitchen table.

“Hudson, do you remember what I’ve been telling you all season? What is the most important thing to focus on each time you practice or play a game?” I asked.

“Focus on what I can control.”

Surprised by the quick answer, I responded, “And what is in your control each time you play?”

“My effort and my attitude, Dad.”

“Exactly,” I said with excitement. “Did you try your best every time you played this season?”

“Yes.”

“Did you listen respectfully to your coaches all season?”

“Yes.”

“Were you a good teammate by encouraging and cheering on your teammates each game?”

“Yes.”

“Did you improve and have fun this season?”

“Yes.”

“Can you control the final outcome of the game?”

“No.”

“Well, then, I think you had a very successful season. I know losing is never fun, but I am extremely proud of you, and I can’t wait to watch you play again next spring.”

As my son finished his snack, we played a card game for a little while before it was time to go to bed.

I hadn’t expected the wave of emotions from Hudson that night, but I found myself grateful for the opportunity to connect with my son. I was able to practice the acronym “W.I.N.”, which stands for What’s Important Now?. What was most important in that moment was to show my son empathy, love, and support, and to ask some great questions. It was difficult seeing my son struggle with his disappointment, but it was a wonderful experience having the opportunity to talk and connect with him during the hours after the loss. As a former college athlete and current college coach, I am well aware of the power and influence sports can have on young people. Youth sports have the ability to not only build up young athletes but also tear them down. As my three sons participate in youth sports, my main concern is who they are becoming, rather than whether they are winning or are the best player. I love seeing my kids succeed and do well when they play, but my main desire is to see my boys grow in character and discipline. This will not only help them succeed in sports, but also in life.

Parenting is difficult. As a father, I am learning to take advantage of the unscripted, unexpected opportunities in our everyday lives to connect and teach my boys important life lessons. That summer day with my 7-year-old was one of the unexpected moments. What started out as just another little league game turned into an unexpected opportunity to connect with my son on a deeper level. I had the opportunity to win the moment by taking a step back and asking myself, “What is the most important message I want my son to learn?”. My hope and prayer is that this will be the first of many opportunities to have similar conversations with my sons.

–Shane Sowden is the Men’s Basketball Coach at Briercrest College in Canada