FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.

NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

If It's Any Consolation, I Am Going To Shoot Myself After I Kill All Of You

I want all of you to know that I totally empathize with everything you'll soon be going through. Nobody likes to learn that their lives are about to be snuffed out for no reason save that of random, irrational violence. It's a terrifying proposition, I know. But everyone's going to have to sacrifice a little here, and, for what it's worth, I'm not going to survive this upcoming murder spree any more than you are. So take solace in the fact that, right after I gun you all down next week without warning, I will immediately be shooting myself in the head, as well.

Remember: We're all in this crazy mess together.

I know what you must be thinking, but before we get into the whole question of "Why, why, for the love of God in heaven, why?" let me just say there's no use looking for answers at a time like this. An event as tragic as what I will be carrying out next Wednesday around 3 p.m. never has any easy explanation.

All I can say is that a number of factors—most of them insane—have resulted in a situation we're just all going to have to accept. Who can really say why some random people, guilty of nothing other than happening to visit their local bank at the wrong time, will be tragically gunned down in a scene of horror and gore? Believe me, if I could do anything about it, I would. It's just not in my control.

This is definitely going to be hard for some of you to take, especially the ones whose precious lives I will soon be snatching before their time, one by one, with cold and murderous detachment. Still, you have to believe me when I tell you that I'll be living through the same vision of hell as all of you. Just because I won't be wearing a blindfold and stuffed in a corner while my daughter whimpers quietly on the other side of the room doesn't mean I won't eventually take the same gun I used to murder you and shoot myself right before the police arrive. In a way, won't that be the hardest job of all?

See, I'm not in this for the notoriety.

In case any of you were wondering, I have absolutely no intention of backing down or running away or anything like that. I would never do that. I may be a homicidal maniac, but I'm not a monster! No, I fully intend to put a specially designed bullet bearing the mark of the beast through my frontal lobe as soon as I'm done making sure none of you sprawled out on the floor are playing dead. In fact, I'll only outlive you by two, maybe three minutes, tops. What's two minutes when compared to eternity? Trust me, they'll be dragging my lifeless corpse away from the blood- and urine-stained crime scene right along with yours.

That's my promise to each and every one of you, my future victims.

If I could kill myself first, to prove to you my good intentions, I would. Then I could go on this murder spree, just like I've been planning to for six and a half months, knowing full well that all your doubts and concerns were adequately answered. Unfortunately, that's not the way these things work. But I swear on the lives of the children I killed earlier this week that I will follow through on this promise. It may not sound like much, but given the situation, it's the least I can do.

Think about how much better my death will make all of your family members feel—that is, presuming those family members are not there at the time, in which case I will of course have to kill them, too. At least they'll have the knowledge that some emotionless killer isn't still out there on the loose, waiting in the darkness to strike again. It may not be the closure that someone who just went through an unthinkable tragedy would want, but it should be comforting nonetheless.

I sincerely hope it gives you some kind of reassurance to know you'll have died in a mass murder/suicide, and not just a mass murder. Even if it helps only a little, I'll have done my job.