A look into the poly and kink lifestyle…

Tag Archives: assault

Having had my fill of predatory men in the kink scene, I have learned a lot about identifying and dealing with them. I am fortunate enough to have a strong support network of friends to help me over come the abuse and attempts of abuse from predatory men. I should point out there are female predators…I am focusing on the male gender as that is my consistent gender experience.

Some things you have to remember…

Predators will not go away. I mean it. They will not go away…never fully.

It is important to recognize their patterns, their methods, and how they dole out their own brand of abuse.

Predators rely on silence, victim blaming, and victim shaming.

They will move from your scene eventually and target others outside of it.

To minimize predators, the kink environment must be made hostile to those types of people.

What I want to discuss in this piece is what makes an environment hostile for predators in a kink related community and how to identify them.

Patterns and methods of predators…

They never take full responsibility for their behavior. They will take a minimal concession that is not reputation damaging to their respective egos…they will often say they didn’t communicate well, the other person misunderstood them..shifting blame and deflecting attention away from their actions.

They have a vehicle to drive their stock of victims to them. It can be a blog, kink event (they have a say in/organizer), social media site…they will defend their vehicle as they put time into generating it’s purpose to replenish the stock quickly.

They are charming to everyone publicly. To many, they will be your best friend as they will need allies to defend them. They will be giving to these certain individuals and show a swift, fierce loyalty letting you see them somewhat vulnerable to establish your trust. Oftentimes…they play the victim to win you over and gain your sympathy.

They find a weakness in others and strengthen a person by giving a substantial amount of care and attention to attach those unsuspecting to them. They will spend time giving a LARGE amount care to reinforce the trust of those they will use later.

They will encourage others to fight their battles. After fierce loyalty is established, they will sic their “loyal and dearest friends” on anyone who says any kind of accusation..or an unkind word. (Bear in mind, these people have received copious amounts of care that show them how wonderful this man is…it’s almost a remarkable amount…and uncharacteristic of normal progression of friendships). These people will not be very receptive to any criticism as this man has ALWAYS been there for them when they needed him.

There will be multiple stories involving different people. The predator will be able to explain away all of them…and often blame their victims for the very thing they do. *There’s something to be said that a person believes that what they do, everyone else does…predators are similar in this regard.

Their behavior is predictable. They will do the same thing they have always done. Each predator has a different vehicle, their own style, their own method. If they’ve been successful in the past, they will continue to do the same thing they have always done if gone unchecked.

They will do what they can to remain in a place of power by doing favors for others…often for free and even giving gifts/money, so others feel indebted to them and possibly turn a blind eye to their behaviors.

*I will happily add to this list in the future if I think on any other patterns/methods that predators exhibit.

Since kink events and kink websites are often the “hot spots” for predators…let’s talk about how to make them uncomfortable and leave…

How to make a kink environment hostile for predators…

Communicate effectively, non-emotive, and show as well as request ample evidence.

Allow a safe space for victims to discuss concerns without blame or judgement and FREQUENTLY remind people they can freely talk about anything without repercussions.

Listen to the victims and ask for evidence…but do so with the intent of helping these victims…do not present a front that you don’t believe them…assure confidentiality and discretion.

Ask other people who know the predator if they have heard anything about him (generally speaking without divulging information).

Collect evidence and save everything.

Confront the predator without emotion and ask for his side. Discuss non confidential evidence and concerns regarding specific incidents of behavior.

Watch the predator and interactions as well as discuss behaviors with anyone he interacts with.

It is helpful to have a lawyer friend who understands the law so they can advise accordingly.

It is also important to have other unbiased people looking at the evidence to gain a perspective outside of your own.

Be certain to disclose in advance predatory/abusive behavior warrants removal from an event/website. Be thorough in what constitutes removal and add a clause saying any activity deemed as potentially abusive will be considered as well.

Any man who IS NOT a predator and rational will want to help aid the community in having a safe space for women. They will not be offended. They will cooperate without argument and offer to help.

Seek to resolve first. If the predator is not removed right away, ensure the victim that you are watching the predator. Any subsequent complaints will warrant your swift actions in outing/removing said predator.

Remember, the predator will not stop. However, the predator will rely on silence. The predator will continue the behavior and eventually get caught.

BE DILIGENT AND CONSISTENT WITH EVERYONE!

Accept evidence as it is…EVEN if he is your friend.

The key overall? Communication…effective, non-emotive, evidence based communication. BE CLEAR in what is NOT ok…and what IS abusive. Reminding the community from time to time is key in encouraging a safe space for people to explore.

Lastly, for women who suspect they are involved with a predator…

Talk to others who know the man…listen to EVERY story. I do mean EVERY STORY.

Show texts and interactions with others outside of the situation. They will point out behaviors that you are overlooking…potentially gas lighting like behaviors you may not notice.

Ask people in the community what the safe/sane/consensual means. Discuss your or hypothetical stories with people you know and trust within the community.

Talk to his previous partners…and LISTEN.

Find leaders who are well respected in the community (just ask around and others will direct you)…ask them their thoughts on your play.

RED FLAG: If your man does not want you to talk to others about him and/or demonizes/blames everyone he has ever been with…this is a problem.

If you want to leave him, strengthen your support network and do not be afraid to ask for help as well as advice.

Predators are not going to go away…not fully. The key is to communicate and be clear as to what behavior is not acceptable. Accept evidence as it is and watch for patterns. Their methods usually do not change and they will do the same thing as it has worked for them in the past…at the time they change their methods, eventually they will be predictable once again.

I often encounter men who have NO CLUE why I am as cautious, questioning, a bit anxious about certain topics, or hesitant to progress with them. There are many reasons why. I promise you, I am not alone in my female experience

“Modern men” need to gain an understanding about what the female life experience is.

What is this experience? Let me sum it up for you…I will try to be brief…

I have beauty standards, motherhood, and domesticity pushed upon in at an early age of 2-3 years old in the form of gender based toys…fake makeup, dolls, toy kitchens, barbies…

I will be made fun of by peers if I want anything that boys would want (microscopes, chemistry sets, lasers, anything not girl).

I am told to smile because it makes my face prettier.

I am dressed in clothing that would make me a pretty girl.

I am sexualized by the time I am 12…because my body changes into more of a shape that makes me “attractive” to men…larger breasts…hips widen.

I have boys offer sexual favors by the time I am 13.

Street harassment starts and is consistent throughout my life.

Once I become a teenager in high school, I have already been called various derogatory terms for a sexual woman because my body looks like a woman.

Family members tell me how I’m all grown up…How pretty I am…Boys are evil and should keep away or grandpa will shoot them with his rifle. Grown men at church pay more attention to me and find reasons to hug me.

Boys at school start false rumors about my sexuality because they are attracted to me and “boys will be boys.”

I start college and am required to take a defense course because women in this trade are assaulted regularly.

I am stalked 3 times by boys. A few family members tell me it’s because I’m so pretty.

One of the boys sexually assaults me at a club when I am 19…not raped, fortunately.

One stalker forced me to move in with my grandparents so he could no longer find me.

I do not report anything because I am afraid and think this is my fault because I must have given off the wrong signals. Shame on me.

I say nothing to my family because I can’t bear to be blamed for this.

I’ve been conditioned to self loathe my body because I am not a supermodel. Eating disorders start as well as reckless exercise.

Street harassment as well as sexist and misogynistic comments do not cease.

At 21, I work for a man who keeps porn on his computer and magazines in his desk. He has business ties with local strip club owners. He encourages me to sell to them (I do as it’s my job) as well as work for them (I decline). Even received phone calls from the head of all the chains asking me to join him.

I later become a DJ and play at fraternity parties getting regularly harassed by drunk men.

My agent wants to engage in sexual relations with me. I decline. He takes a bigger cut than what he takes from the males.

I could give endless examples of more of the same…

Fast forward to re entering university…I am regularly harassed by a boy in my science classes. He tells me the sexual things he wants to do to me. It took me humiliating him to get hi to leave me alone. I saw him on campus the other day…he had found my dating profile as well as my FB. Tried to get me to go out with him again. I had to block him across the board to get him to leave me alone.

I get told science is hard and that I am girl…then denied letter of recommendation to enter grad school by a male professor of whom I did a year’s worth of undergrad research with.

Dating sites, I get bombarded by messages from men who want to take from me. They are explicit in nature…few are actually well thought out and polite. They hide behind the cloak of anonymity that the internet provides.

Social media, I get unsolicited penis pics sent to me. I have rude and explicit direct messages as well as public mentions. I am slut shamed. Yet if I don’t comply, I am a prude.

Street harassment does not stop…sometimes wearing headphones doesn’t work either, because some men ignore this subtle cue of a request to leave me alone.

I am once again sexually assaulted by a different man I trusted.

I am stalked again…this time digitally on social media and harassed via email and phone. It affects my work, and I have to notify my boss about it. Fortunately he is understanding and gives support.

Why am I telling you this? Because every 109 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. 90% of those people are female. 1 in 6 women are sexually assaulted. Only 6 in 1,000 people will serve time for sexual assault. This is based on those who reported…I did not report. I can not fathom how much larger this number is.

So again, why am I telling you this? Because I am not the only woman this happens to. When you are at a party/work/bar, take a look around…1 in 6 women are me…but truthfully? That number is likely much larger. When you talk to women, you need to realize the scope of their possible life. I promise you, my story is a common one for many women.

They don’t speak out…why?

They don’t see the point. (No one really goes to prison)

They’ve been conditioned not to and to self blame.

They don’t want to be shamed.

They don’t want you to judge them.

They don’t want to hurt others (family, current partner).

Men…remember this when speaking to women. They’ve been at battle their whole lives for just being female. Do not take things personally.

Read to understand…speak out against those who harm us…give us a space so we can be vocal without fear.

It has been 2 years since I have posted on this site. I have had many adventures and explored many aspects of my kink and poly sides.

This post is about an event that happened last night.

I rarely sub. I require strong dominant males in order to rival my own energy and draw out the sub in me. There are few who can do that given I have a strong presence and dynamic personality. I have previously played with this “Dom”. He knew my one limit I had. He knew why I had that one hard limit. I will call him G.

I won’t divulge what that limit is given it is deeply personal to me and only people I play with need to know it.

We had not played in nearly 2 years because he moved out of the country for his job. He came back to town briefly and we scheduled play months in advance. I had not been played in nearly 4 months. I craved to sub and was excited I could be with him again. We discussed once more about my one hard limit and he said he understood. I will point out that there are limits that we had a mutual understanding with previously play that he broke this evening as well. I had not reiterated those limits as I believed them to be basic knowledge for him. I will discuss those as I discuss play.

The day of play…

I bought new lace panties, went to great extent to be showered, lotioned, shaved, and perfumed to his liking. I knew he liked princesses. I would wear a pretty, little black dresses, hair down, red lipstick…I would report to his casino hotel room at 930 pm…with my own toys in case he wanted to use them…G liked using my own toys on me…

The time comes and I report to his room. He opens the door tells me to come in and “put my shit down”. He hugs me, kisses me, and tells me I look great. The room is big. It has a jacuzzi bathtub oddly next to the bed. Glass walls that give a view of the shower. The bed is massive and there is a couch next to the window.

He asks me to present my toys to him…and I do. I give descriptions of each one and how I use them. He tells me I’m a good girl and positions me by the armoire. I am facing the side with my back to him. My phone starts to go off with messages. I ask him subserviently if I may turn off my phone as to not disturb him. He says for me to do so then return back to my position. I comply and wait for him to return to me.

His hands touch my hair then run down the back of my body…He tells me to breathe…instructs when I inhale and exhale. He asks if I am going to be a good girl for him. I say “Yes, sir”. His hand goes to my throat and he tells me to lean into his hand as he chokes me. I comply. He does this throughout our play.

NOTE: I am very fuzzy on many of the details of play as he played me intensely for 2 hours straight to the point I bled into the next day. I nearly blacked out a few times and he caught me when I began to fall. I was not coherent enough to be of sound mind for much of the play (as is expected for submissives in the throes of heavy play). I received no water or food during our play. My aftercare consisted of me trying to gather myself in an attempt to leave his room…but managed to only shiver on his bed curled up in a ball because I lacked the strength to stand. Many details are coming back to me as I write this so it may not be as fluid as my previous writings.

He stripped me starting with my dress, then my bra, and panties. He commented on how beautiful my back is and how he could not wait to mark it. He starts clawing my arms, legs, and back. He pulls my hair up so it is out of the way and begins to put restraint cuffs on my wrists and a collar on my neck.

G blindfolds me then positions me over to to the bathtub and ties my wrists to the metal hand rails by the entry steps. He puts on nipple clover clamps and does some breast play. This is where the majority of the play will occur…and where my memories begin to blend…

Over the course of the 2 hours, he flogs, paddles, slaps, chokes, canes, claws, and whips me. He plays me so hard that I nearly fall to me knees on several occasions, but catch myself. When he tires of hearing me cry out, he puts a ball gag in my mouth. He requires that I say “Thank you sir” for every strike even with the ball gag. If I miss one, he gives me 3 lashes.

He does not stay in the standard areas of play…middle back, breasts, buttocks, and upper thighs. He strikes my shoulder blades (with various instruments), portions of my lower back, canes my calves, and whips my arms.

As an aside: I am a switch who primarily plays as a Domme. It is hazardous and can cause permanent damage (as well as visible marks) if play occurs outside the standard (and safe) zones of the body.

He cuts my arm with the whip and leaves lashes. I have bruises on my calves. and whip marks right above the bends of my knees. It is currently summertime and too hot to wear long sleeves and slacks. I will have to lie about my marks. This is just one broken limit of mine…of which he knew from previous play sessions.

At this point, one might say, “Why didn’t you safe word?”. I was ball gagged. I was out of my mind processing intense amounts of pain. I thought the strikes may have been accidental…clearly in hindsight…they were not.

Oftentimes one does not know someone is violating their limits and trust…essentially assaulting them until after play is finished… due to the active coping mechanisms and pain processing. This is why Dom/mme responsibility is essential in order to ensure damage to the sub does not occur…limits are present to aid the Dom/mme in understanding what could cause potential (and sometimes irreparable) harm to the sub.

He continues his play…he is rough with me to the point I bleed…even into intimacies…I do not know that I am bleeding until well after play.

Towards the end of our play he breaks my hard limit. The moment I realize, I immediately turn on him. After being played to the point I dropped to me knees, I find some strength and chastise him for breaking my hard limit. I tell him to pack my bags, I am leaving. I go to the bathroom to collect myself and realize I am bleeding and see the open marks on my arms. I go back in the main part of the room, get dressed and attempt to collect my faculties.

I tell him he ignored my hard limit. He says, “No I didn’t! It was an emotional moment and I couldn’t help it!” I correct him and say, “You did not adhere to my hard limit, therefore you ignored it!”. He apologizes and then becomes increasingly angry that I call him out on ignoring my limits. He says he will not listen to me telling him what he did was wrong.

He took no responsibility for himself or his actions. He admitted no guilt nor did he try to correct the situation.

I grab my bags and start to feel dizzy. I sit on the edge of the bathtub trying to regain my focus and strength. I had been broken by this man…the closest I have ever been to tears.

I attempt to stand up. Holding my phone and trying to work out my route through GPS…a part of me realizes that I may not be able to drive. I burst into tears and remind him why I have my hard limit. I remind him how much we discussed it. He sits on the couch by the window and stares at me the entire time. I can not look him in the eye.

I sit back down and remind him what it means to be a Dom/me. That limits are to be respected. That they ensure no one gets hurt. I remind him that I am a respected Domme because of the fact I am safe, sane, and consensual. I respect limits. I then look directly at him, tears still flowing and say that I trusted him. He stares back at me unshaken.

I attempt to stand again…I am very weak, dizzy, and unable to walk very far. He gave me no food or water. I did not ask for any, because I really wanted to leave. He offered me caffeine then told me to stop thinking and straighten up. I no longer listened or cared about what he had to say.

He says he did not want our few moments to be filled with me being upset. He works overseas and I’ll not likely see him again for a few years.

He will never see me again. He will never have the pleasure of me again. That is assured.

He finally showed some remorse, but it quickly vanished.

Conversation strangely went to what we had been doing with our lives. I mentioned my PhD program. He said I’d get bored with it just like everything else I’ve done. He was attempting to take jabs at me even in my vulnerable state. I again corrected him saying that I enjoyed my previous job but was given a better offer at the university.

I attempted one final time to go…I could not drive. I said I needed to lie down. He responded in a short tone,”Well do it then!”

I curl up on top of the mattress and tremble. He sits on the couch and looks at his IPad. He occasionally looks at me. He then comments, if you are cold then work the thermostat. I say ok. He then responds, “Or I will, whatever.”. I get up and adjust the thermostat to make the room warmer.

A few hours pass…I remain in my ball trembling without a blanket. He remains on his couch by the window occasionally looking at me. I desperately needed aftercare after 2 hours of hard play. However, I did not want him anywhere near me.

115 am comes around…I had been lying in that ball since 1230 am. At this point I realize it would be nearly 3 am when I finally got home if I left. I was exhausted, still dizzy, and unable to walk. He had gotten onto the bed next to me but maintained his distance.

I had to stay the night in his room. Driving home for 1.5 hours would have been too dangerous for me in this condition. I prepared for bed leaving on all of my clothes. I curled up with my back to him and slept until 715 am…

I laid in the bed and cried a bit more before I changed my clothes and gathered my things. I said I had to go home. He said he had to head out too. He hugged me and asked if I was ok to drive. I said I was fine. Said goodbye and left his room.

I got onto the elevator and burst into tears…tried to collect myself to exit the casino…made it to my car and cried.

I texted G trying to get some kind of support, accountability, and reassurance…he received the texts, read them, and has yet to respond. He has no concern for me in any regard.

I have cried off and on today. I have taken breaks writing this post because it has been draining. I will likely be up at 3 am from my brain trying to process this for several days if not a week or so.

I feel it is important for me to write this post for therapeutic and informative purposes.

People need to understand the level of damage that can happen from negligent individuals who ignore limits and perform non consensual acts. Limits are adhered to for reasons. G may have felt my limits were silly. The fact of the matter is, he does not need to understand my limits. He needed to respect them. That was all that was required of him.

Non consensual acts are assault. There is no gray area. Either it is “Yes you can do that!” or “NO! That hurts me!” When limits are ignored, it is disregarding the “NO!”. NO, means NO. It does not mean that you will change my mind mid play. It does not mean my body no longer belongs to me and you get to ignore my rules. This. Is. Assault!

I was assaulted last night by someone I trusted.

Thank you for reading. And thank you for the endless support from individuals all over who have heard my story and lent an ear and a shoulder. ❤

I am going a bit off my usual misadventures of recent times to discuss an event in my life that is relevant to recent discussion involving victim blaming in sexual assault and acts of rape. The victims never are “asking for it” by wearing heels or suggestive clothing. My assault? I was wearing jean shorts, a tank top, and sneakers….Here is my story…

It was summertime…I was 19 and a virgin…

I worked at a shopping mall at a formal wear store. I enjoyed my job. I steadily became familiar with other people in the mall and the stores where they worked. There was a clothing store 2 doors down from me that sold stylish clothing of the current styles. Some were “night club” style clothes. I would frequent this store and buy nice work clothes there. From time to time I’d play around with trying on the sexier night club style outfits. A boy (appx. 21) worked there and would help me coordinate my wardrobe. Sometimes he would pick out a sexier dress and ask me to try it on to see if I liked it. I was 19, a virgin, shy and quite naive. However, I knew what he was doing. I would smile and decline a bit flattered at his attention. I would then leave the store…

I never spoke to this boy outside of the store where he worked. I would sometimes see him at the food court but we would just smile…nothing more.

I enjoyed going to nightclubs. My mother did not like me going and often I would lie to her saying that I was just staying with a friend and going to the movies. She was afraid that I would experience that sexual assault scene at a night club from the film THELMA AND LOUISE. She made this plain to me on a regular basis. She felt that nightclubs were meat markets and I would get preyed upon and hurt. To be fair, my mother was always over protective of me. I saw this as another example.

I frequented a local club because usually I could just go to dance and most of the time people left me alone. Being a dancer, this was really the main reason I went to dance clubs. I never went alone and was always with a friend. This evening was no exception.

I arrive to the club. The boy from the store was there chatting up a girl and he starts to watch me dance.

I paid him no attention…

He came up to me when I left the dance floor to get a soda. He said hello and asked if he could talk to me. I agreed. He said that the club was too loud and he knew of a place in the club that would be a bit quieter.

I follow him to a room that had been raided by police earlier for people smoking illegal substances. He said it would be ok to chat for a few minutes. I agreed and went with him into the room.

This moment…here…is where I blamed myself in all of this…I should have never been alone with him…I felt I should have known better.

I had no clue that he was dangerous. I worked 2 doors down from him in the same mall. I went to High School with his Assistant Manager…

We go into the room and sit on the couch on the far wall. There are 2 couches. One is on the back wall and the other is on the wall by the door. He tells me he is interested in me and likes me. I was young and inexperienced. I was flattered and suffered a bit of low self esteem.

He kissed me. I kissed him back. He started to grope my body. I pushed away. I said that I didn’t know him that well and this was moving a bit fast for me. He persisted and started to kiss me again and continued to grope me. I pushed away, got up and started to head for the door.

He had locked the door…

Albeit it was locked from the inside, but it was a bit dark and I struggled with the lock…I failed to get it open in time…

He grabbed me and slammed me up against the wall. I struggled to get away from him, but he was far stronger than me. The music outside the room was so loud, no one could hear our struggle.

He started to kiss me with more ferocity. His hands were now going under my shirt and into my shorts. I pushed and tried to force him off of me to no avail. I was not going to break away from him.

My body felt cold. I was going into some kind of trauma induced shock. It was like I was leaving my body.

I defaulted to a calmer state and began to talk to him.

I said, “I’m a good girl. Please…this is all going a bit too fast for me. Maybe we could go out for coffee and a movie sometime. I know you like me. I like you. Let’s go out and see where things go.”

I say all this while he is trying to remove my clothes. He takes a step back for a second seemingly surprised by what I have said. I take this moment to race to the door.

He is fast and grabs me again…

This time he throws me onto the couch by the door with my legs draped over the arm rest pinning me down. He had not managed to remove my clothes yet, but had managed to thoroughly grope me.

I continued to calmly plead with him saying, “Please. This is too fast. I really like you, but this isn’t how I do things. I don’t think this is how you do things. You seem nice. I only know you from work. I’d to get to know you better before we go this far. Let’s go out and see what happens…please.”

He stops trying to remove my clothing and looks at me. He says, “Hurry up and go before I change my mind!”

He takes his weight off of me and I race to the door. I immediately find my friend. I watch him as he leaves that private room and hurries out of the club…I am still in shock as to what has happened to me. I am shaken, cold, and feeling out of my own body.

We leave the club and I tell her what happens. She asks if I should phone the police. I declined…

I did not report this because I was afraid…

I was afraid my mother would be angry and lecture me why she was right. I was afraid no one would believe me. It was my word against his. I felt it was my fault because I went with him into that room alone. And I was still in shock. I did not believe what happened actually happened to me…

While I did not report it, I did speak with the manager at his store. I had gone to High School with him and told him what had happened and what he had done when I shopped there. Whether or not he was fired, I’ve no clue…but the boy was no longer working there shortly thereafter.

That boy started stalking me. He would show up to places where I was. He would watch me work at the mall. I moved to another store at a different mall. A month later he started trying to get work in the same shopping mall at various clothing stores. I had already befriended many of the managers there and discreetly mentioned how he made ladies uncomfortable shopping there because of his suggestive behavior.

He never worked near me and I never saw him again…

I feel some guilt wondering if he has done this to other girls. Ultimately, I was lucky. I talked my way out of my own rape.

Even now all these years later I am in tears writing this remembering every moment…every sound…the bruises from his hands on my wrists…the disgust of his hands groping my body…feeling utterly helpless as I was pinned down pleading for him to stop…my body going cold…and all times I felt shaken and disturbed from triggers setting me back to my experience…

I did not ask to be assaulted and nearly raped. I was not suggestively dressed. He wanted me. It did not matter what I was wearing. It was not my fault.

Some will blame me for being naive and going into a room alone with him. I had no idea he was dangerous and it would not have been any different with a non-dangerous person having a chat in a quieter room. You take greater risks getting behind the wheel of a car than having a quiet chat with an acquaintance.

Final thoughts …

Blaming victims or saying that any woman can avoid being raped by not wearing heels or short skirts is ridiculous.

If someone is going to rape another person, they are going to try no matter what. They are going to do whatever it takes…and unfortunately these people do not wear “I Am A Rapist” signs.

I will not live my life in fear of being raped by not wearing heels or short skirts. I certainly will not blame myself for the evil of my attacker.