“Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.”

Thursday, 4 December 2008

Full brain

I think any woman who has spent several months trying to get pregnant will have had a stage where it was all that she could think about - where it seemed to occupy every waking thought, every hope, every dream and every prayer.

Most women I know in that situation have also had one month where they were absolutely convinced their prayers had been answered. Every little twinge in their body is noticed and interpreted to the nth degree, and the hope and excitement build up until they can hardly bear to wait another day for the confirmation of what they *know* to be true.

The disappointment when it turns out that yet again it hasn't happened is crushing. I don't think anybody who hasn't been through it can understand the feeling of failure and despair, and the fear that it's never going to happen.

So that was my November. The sickness turned out to be a tummy bug, and the exhaustion turned out to be the natural result of the amount of work I've been doing recently.

I know it's only been six months, but this is all I've really wanted out of life since I was a little girl. I'm 39 and desperately afraid that I'm going to be too old soon. I'm afraid to go for tests in case they show up problems other than the one we already know about (and which turned out not to be totally insurmountable after all). I'm afraid that any changes in my body which I attributed to pregnancy last month might actually be down to early menopause. I'm also afraid that I'm turning into an obsessive bore.

So that's why I haven't been blogging - my brain was full. But after the emotional rollercoaster of November, I'm going to try to relax about it in December and think about other stuff. After all, nobody thinks much about children around Christmas time, do they...?

Thanks for the encouragement - and the prayers. It's nice to get a bit of understanding when this is the sort of reaction I get from my friends (this is an extract from an e-mail I received this morning):

"Worrying about getting pregnant is the single worst thing you can do. There are so many stories of people getting pregnant once they give up and start adoption procedures. And the only people I know who have had fertility issues started "trying" straight away, whereas we just kind of stopped using any contraception and I was pregnant within a fortnight. I'm sure a chunk of it is the mindset..."

I appreciate the worrying doesn't help, but if only it were that simple...

I'm praying for you! I understand the cycle of hopes raised and dashed, of trying to relax at let all happen in God's time but at the same time anxiously anticipating and dreading the end of the cycle. The path to motherhood is not easy!

I definitely would encourage you to look in to any medical issues you may have. You don't gain anything by waiting.

You know I've been there. It took two years. If you don't recall my story it was finally a combination of acupuncture with Chinese herbs + extra progesterone that last cycle that did the trick.

I know the anguish, and I remember it well. I am changed forever because of that experience. It affected me so very much. I remember standing here one night praying intently with tears to God, almost pleading.

Thank you for commenting, and for your prayers. I have reread several posts on your old blog a number of times, and compared what my acupuncturist has said to me with what you experienced.

I've been charting my temperature, and it does seem to drop quite early each cycle, so I'm thinking I may need a bit of extra progesterone. We have an appointment next month which we hope will give us some more answers.