This Week's Leaders

Wedding party troubles

I have had this problem with my wedding party getting along with everyone..Whether it's with eachother, with me, or our parents from either side. They seem uncooperative, & uninterested.I've even had a few of them suggest to just scratch the wedding party & making everyone just a guests.

My MOH continues to say she wouldn't wish this kind of pressure on anyone? But really hasn't helped with anything.She has even said i shouldn't have waited so long to get married (it's been a 2yr engagement to be able to afford a wedding & a house) because the "magic is gone".

I asked them not to throw me a bachelorette party or a shower because my wedding is a destination wedding & I understand expenses are high. My MOH insisted.. but continues to complain about the money. I've not put pressure on them to have expensive bridesmaid dresses. I've said whatever they are comfortable in. I really don't know what to do.I feel demoting people will cause more problems. But I dont know how much more I can take of this.

Re: Wedding party troubles

I have had this problem with my wedding party getting along with everyone..Whether it's with eachother, with me, or our parents from either side. They seem uncooperative, & uninterested.I've even had a few of them suggest to just scratch the wedding party & making everyone just a guests.

My MOH continues to say she wouldn't wish this kind of pressure on anyone? But really hasn't helped with anything.She has even said i shouldn't have waited so long to get married (it's been a 2yr engagement to be able to afford a wedding & a house) because the "magic is gone".

I asked them not to throw me a bachelorette party or a shower because my wedding is a destination wedding & I understand expenses are high. My MOH insisted.. but continues to complain about the money. I've not put pressure on them to have expensive bridesmaid dresses. I've said whatever they are comfortable in. I really don't know what to do.I feel demoting people will cause more problems. But I dont know how much more I can take of this.

How far away is your wedding? What specifically have they been arguing about and why would they have contact with your parents? If you have given them the option to wear what they want, what more is there to talk about??

Tell anyone who complains, including your MOH, that you have not asked and are not asking them to do anything besides wear an outfit of their own choice of the right formality to your wedding and to show up on time and in good spirits, and that you are not open to hearing any more complaints.

I have had this problem with my wedding party getting along with everyone..Whether it's with eachother, with me, or our parents from either side. They seem uncooperative, & uninterested.I've even had a few of them suggest to just scratch the wedding party & making everyone just a guests.

My MOH continues to say she wouldn't wish this kind of pressure on anyone? But really hasn't helped with anything.She has even said i shouldn't have waited so long to get married (it's been a 2yr engagement to be able to afford a wedding & a house) because the "magic is gone".

I asked them not to throw me a bachelorette party or a shower because my wedding is a destination wedding & I understand expenses are high. My MOH insisted.. but continues to complain about the money. I've not put pressure on them to have expensive bridesmaid dresses. I've said whatever they are comfortable in. I really don't know what to do.I feel demoting people will cause more problems. But I dont know how much more I can take of this.

I am very confused by your post. Your wedding party's obligations are to show up on time, sober, and dressed appropriately. They stand next to you when you say your vows. The MOH holds your bouquet when you exchange rings. Then, they pose for pictures.

I don't read anything in your post that says your wedding party refuses to do these things. What is it that you are unhappy about? Please explain.

Out of curiosity, when they accepted your invitation to be in the wedding party, were they aware then it would be a destination wedding? You can't really "demote" friends. If you think you can, perhaps that is part of the problem?

It's good that you recognize that destination weddings are expensive and have allowed your wedding party to wear whatever they want. However, the fact that your wedding party members don't get along with each other or with your parents (with whom they shouldn't have any need to interact anyway) makes me suspect that you're unnecessarily throwing these people together for wedding related stuff. If you want to reduce drama, stop doing that. There is no reason for any of these people to be involved with each other outside actually attending the wedding.

As for your MOH, tell her again that you do not want or expect a shower or bachelorette party. It is her choice to spend that money if she insists on throwing these events for you, and it's not reasonable for her to complain about it. But however frustrated you may be right now, "demoting" your wedding party will not help anything. Don't do it.

Your MOH kind of sounds like a bad friend TBH. There’s no reason for her to complain about throwing a bachelorette (or a shower) when you explicitly asked her not to throw one.

I do think there’s another side to this story though. Why are your friends in touch with your parents? Why is everyone so negative (unless they’re normally like this and it’s par for the course)?

Where is the pressure coming from for the MOH? Typically for a destination wedding, the guest list is smaller. Is the pressure because there are not "enough" guests to warrant a shower, or perhaps is there pressure to include people NOT on the wedding invitation list?

Other than for pre-wedding events, many bridal party members have zero need to be in communication with each other, let alone parents of the bride and/or groom.

I do wish OP would return to answer some of these questions and to clarify her story. I still have to wonder if the wedding party was aware that this would be a destination wedding when they accepted their role in the wedding. I am also dying to know how one is "demoted" in a wedding party. Either you're in, or you're out, no?

It sucks when our friends and family don't get along with each other, and sometimes it's hard to throw random groups of people together and hope for the best. But your bridal party doesn't need to be BFF's. I was in a wedding for a dear friend years ago and her sister (who thought she was co-MOH) was an insufferable B. We lived far enough away I didn't have to see her super often, and I politely interacted with her when we were planning events & such but wanted nothing to do with her otherwise.

It sounds like you're not asking too much of your BMs, and it's great you let them choose their dress and acknowledge that a destination wedding is costly for everyone. Is there something else going on in your MOH's life that may be causing her to act out of character? Or is this type of behavior normal for her? If it's not, can you reach out to her as a friend and see what's going on with her?

Unless a friend steps down, "demoting" them from bridesmaid to wedding guest is usually a friendship ending move, so you may not want that to be your first step.

Sorry guys. I'll try to clarifyYes they knew it was a destination wedding when accepting.No I didn't talk about the wedding for the whole 2 years. I would continue with life, ask them about theirs & not mention anything about the wedding unless they asked first, as I still do now. I do admit that I picked a wedding party too early probably, but like anyone I was naive that problems wouldn't arise. Everyone is involved with eachother because our parents want to help with the shower as well. (Which I don't know if maybe all the stress is stemming from there & communicating with one another). I wasn't planning on just telling people they were thrown out of the wedding party. I said demoting them as an extension of some of them saying I should scrap the wedding party all together because I acknowledged it would cause more problems. I just posted here to see if anyone had any similar problems, if they were able to solve them & see if anyone had any good advice to move forward. But I think im going to just grin & bare it ladies. Im going to keep planning away & hope things turn out for the best. (But maybe that's just me being naive again. Lol)Thanks

Sorry guys. I'll try to clarifyYes they knew it was a destination wedding when accepting.No I didn't talk about the wedding for the whole 2 years. I would continue with life, ask them about theirs & not mention anything about the wedding unless they asked first, as I still do now. I do admit that I picked a wedding party too early probably, but like anyone I was naive that problems wouldn't arise. Everyone is involved with eachother because our parents want to help with the shower as well. (Which I don't know if maybe all the stress is stemming from there & communicating with one another). I wasn't planning on just telling people they were thrown out of the wedding party. I said demoting them as an extension of some of them saying I should scrap the wedding party all together because I acknowledged it would cause more problems. I just posted here to see if anyone had any similar problems, if they were able to solve them & see if anyone had any good advice to move forward. But I think im going to just grin & bare it ladies. Im going to keep planning away & hope things turn out for the best. (But maybe that's just me being naive again. Lol)Thanks

It will all be okay. It might not turn out as you had thought but in the end, it will be okay. Eventually the wedding will be over and people will go back to normal (hopefully). You may have some new perspective on some relationships but that is also a good thing. You are doing things right, just keep out of the drama, you can’t make everyone happy. They are adults and can figure this out.

I wonder if your mothers are pressuring the MOH into a more involved shower than she was planning to throw. Maybe a cake and punch shower for 12 guests has morphed into a catered meal, open bar for all the wedding guests. Could you ask your mom what is going on?

First, there are a lot of details left out to really get a sense of what's happening to cause the drama. Usually drama happens when there is a failure to communicate. A former knottie wrote the book on the subject "Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning"... That's probably a good place to start.

Next, it's up to you to choose drama or choose a different route. Ask yourself if you are in fact contributing to the drama, and do something else instead. Something we frequently recommend on here is the fine art of making good "Bean Dip"... For example: MOH "Whine whine whine, let me drag you into some drama..." You "Wow! - have you tried some of that new coffee from the local gas station - I'm amazed at how really good that stuff is?" Bean dip is a fancy way of saying change the subject to break the state the drama is causing.

(snip)I wasn't planning on just telling people they were thrown out of the wedding party. I said demoting them as an extension of some of them saying I should scrap the wedding party all together because I acknowledged it would cause more problems. (snip)

So I wouldn't call this "demoting" them. That term carries heavily negative connotations and sounds like you're a CEO punishing employees.

But here's how I think you CAN handle it:Bridesmaid: "you should just scrap the wedding party all together."You: "I'd really like for you to stand up with me when I get married, but if you don't want to, you're welcome to attend as a guest. No hard feelings."

I wonder if your mothers are pressuring the MOH into a more involved shower than she was planning to throw. Maybe a cake and punch shower for 12 guests has morphed into a catered meal, open bar for all the wedding guests. Could you ask your mom what is going on?

This. If the moms are throwing a shower, they need to throw the shower. They should not be pressuring anyone else into helping. This might be a conversation you want to have with them..

I wonder if your mothers are pressuring the MOH into a more involved shower than she was planning to throw. Maybe a cake and punch shower for 12 guests has morphed into a catered meal, open bar for all the wedding guests. Could you ask your mom what is going on?

This. If the moms are throwing a shower, they need to throw the shower. They should not be pressuring anyone else into helping. This might be a conversation you want to have with them..

I think that this should be a conversation you need to have with your mother and MIL (together with your FI) just to see if wires are getting crossed. If your mothers are putting unwarranted pressure on your MOH or anyone else, I would make sure to clarify your own expectations and ask your mother, and have your FI ask his mother, to direct any concerns they have about your plans to you and your FI and you'll take care of any communications with your WP.