XII THE RETURN OF ULYSSES

When it began to grow dark, the Rat, with an air of excitement
and mystery, summoned them back into the parlour, stood each of
them up alongside of his little heap, and proceeded to dress them
up for the coming expedition. He was very earnest and
thoroughgoing about it, and the affair took quite a long time.
First, there was a belt to go round each animal, and then a sword
to be stuck into each belt, and then a cutlass on the other side
to balance it. Then a pair of pistols, a policeman's truncheon,
several sets of handcuffs, some bandages and sticking-plaster,
and a flask and a sandwich-case. The Badger laughed good-
humouredly and said, `All right, Ratty! It amuses you and it
doesn't hurt me. I'm going to do all I've got to do with this
here stick.' But the Rat only said, `PLEASE, Badger.
You know I shouldn't like you to blame me afterwards and say
I had forgotten ANYTHING!'

When all was quite ready, the Badger took a dark lantern in one
paw, grasped his great stick with the other, and said, `Now then,
follow me! Mole first, `cos I'm very pleased with him; Rat next;
Toad last. And look here, Toady! Don't you chatter so much as
usual, or you'll be sent back, as sure as fate!'

The Toad was so anxious not to be left out that he took up the
inferior position assigned to him without a murmur, and the
animals set off. The Badger led them along by the river for a
little way, and then suddenly swung himself over the edge into a
hole in the river-bank, a little above the water. The Mole and
the Rat followed silently, swinging themselves successfully into
the hole as they had seen the Badger do; but when it came to
Toad's turn, of course he managed to slip and fall into the water
with a loud splash and a squeal of alarm. He was hauled out by
his friends, rubbed down and wrung out hastily, comforted, and
set on his legs; but the Badger was seriously angry, and told him
that the very next time he made a fool of himself he would
most certainly be left behind.

So at last they were in the secret passage, and the cutting-out
expedition had really begun!

It was cold, and dark, and damp, and low, and narrow, and poor
Toad began to shiver, partly from dread of what might be before
him, partly because he was wet through. The lantern was far
ahead, and he could not help lagging behind a little in the
darkness. Then he heard the Rat call out warningly, `COME on,
Toad!' and a terror seized him of being left behind, alone in the
darkness, and he `came on' with such a rush that he upset the Rat
into the Mole and the Mole into the Badger, and for a moment all
was confusion. The Badger thought they were being attacked from
behind, and, as there was no room to use a stick or a cutlass,
drew a pistol, and was on the point of putting a bullet into
Toad. When he found out what had really happened he was very
angry indeed, and said, `Now this time that tiresome Toad
SHALL be left behind!'

But Toad whimpered, and the other two promised that they would be
answerable for his good conduct, and at last the Badger was
pacified, and the procession moved on; only this time the Rat
brought up the rear, with a firm grip on the shoulder of Toad.

So they groped and shuffled along, with their ears pricked up and
their paws on their pistols, till at last the Badger said, `We
ought by now to be pretty nearly under the Hall.'

Then suddenly they heard, far away as it might be, and yet
apparently nearly over their heads, a confused murmur of sound,
as if people were shouting and cheering and stamping on the floor
and hammering on tables. The Toad's nervous terrors all
returned, but the Badger only remarked placidly, `They ARE
going it, the Weasels!'

The passage now began to slope upwards; they groped onward a
little further, and then the noise broke out again, quite
distinct this time, and very close above them. `Ooo-ray-ooray-
oo-ray-ooray!' they heard, and the stamping of little feet on the
floor, and the clinking of glasses as little fists pounded on the
table. `WHAT a time they're having!' said the Badger. `Come
on!' They hurried along the passage till it came to a full stop,
and they found themselves standing under the trap-door that
led up into the butler's pantry.

Such a tremendous noise was going on in the banqueting-hall that
there was little danger of their being overheard. The Badger
said, `Now, boys, all together!' and the four of them put their
shoulders to the trap-door and heaved it back. Hoisting each
other up, they found themselves standing in the pantry, with only
a door between them and the banqueting-hall, where their
unconscious enemies were carousing.

The noise, as they emerged from the passage, was simply
deafening. At last, as the cheering and hammering slowly
subsided, a voice could be made out saying, `Well, I do not
propose to detain you much longer'--(great applause)--`but before
I resume my seat'--(renewed cheering)--`I should like to say one
word about our kind host, Mr. Toad. We all know Toad!'--(great
laughter)--`GOOD Toad, MODEST Toad, HONEST Toad!'
(shrieks of merriment).

`Only just let me get at him!' muttered Toad, grinding his teeth.

`Hold hard a minute!' said the Badger, restraining him with
difficulty. `Get ready, all of you!'

`--Let me sing you a little song,' went on the voice, `which I
have composed on the subject of Toad'--(prolonged applause).

Then the Chief Weasel--for it was he--began in a high, squeaky
voice--

`Toad he went a-pleasuring
Gaily down the street--'

The Badger drew himself up, took a firm grip of his stick with
both paws, glanced round at his comrades, and cried--

`The hour is come! Follow me!'

And flung the door open wide.

My!

What a squealing and a squeaking and a screeching filled the air!

Well might the terrified weasels dive under the tables and spring
madly up at the windows! Well might the ferrets rush wildly for
the fireplace and get hopelessly jammed in the chimney! Well
might tables and chairs be upset, and glass and china be sent
crashing on the floor, in the panic of that terrible moment when
the four Heroes strode wrathfully into the room! The mighty
Badger, his whiskers bristling, his great cudgel whistling
through the air; Mole, black and grim, brandishing his stick and
shouting his awful war-cry, `A Mole! A Mole!' Rat; desperate
and determined, his belt bulging with weapons of every age and
every variety; Toad, frenzied with excitement and injured pride,
swollen to twice his ordinary size, leaping into the air and
emitting Toad-whoops that chilled them to the marrow! `Toad he
went a-pleasuring!' he yelled. `I'LL pleasure 'em!' and he
went straight for the Chief Weasel. They were but four in all,
but to the panic-stricken weasels the hall seemed full of
monstrous animals, grey, black, brown and yellow, whooping and
flourishing enormous cudgels; and they broke and fled with
squeals of terror and dismay, this way and that, through the
windows, up the chimney, anywhere to get out of reach of those
terrible sticks.

The affair was soon over. Up and down, the whole length of the
hall, strode the four Friends, whacking with their sticks at
every head that showed itself; and in five minutes the room was
cleared. Through the broken windows the shrieks of terrified
weasels escaping across the lawn were borne faintly to their
ears; on the floor lay prostrate some dozen or so of the enemy,
on whom the Mole was busily engaged in fitting handcuffs. The
Badger, resting from his labours, leant on his stick and wiped
his honest brow.

`Mole,' he said,' `you're the best of fellows! Just cut along
outside and look after those stoat-sentries of yours, and see
what they're doing. I've an idea that, thanks to you, we shan't
have much trouble from them to-night!'

The Mole vanished promptly through a window; and the Badger bade
the other two set a table on its legs again, pick up knives and
forks and plates and glasses from the debris on the floor, and
see if they could find materials for a supper. `I want some
grub, I do,' he said, in that rather common way he had of
speaking. `Stir your stumps, Toad, and look lively! We've got
your house back for you, and you don't offer us so much as a
sandwich.' Toad felt rather hurt that the Badger didn't say
pleasant things to him, as he had to the Mole, and tell him what
a fine fellow he was, and how splendidly he had fought; for he
was rather particularly pleased with himself and the way he had
gone for the Chief Weasel and sent him flying across the
table with one blow of his stick. But he bustled about, and so
did the Rat, and soon they found some guava jelly in a glass
dish, and a cold chicken, a tongue that had hardly been touched,
some trifle, and quite a lot of lobster salad; and in the pantry
they came upon a basketful of French rolls and any quantity of
cheese, butter, and celery. They were just about to sit down
when the Mole clambered in through the window, chuckling, with an
armful of rifles.

`It's all over,' he reported. `From what I can make out, as soon
as the stoats, who were very nervous and jumpy already, heard the
shrieks and the yells and the uproar inside the hall, some of
them threw down their rifles and fled. The others stood fast for
a bit, but when the weasels came rushing out upon them they
thought they were betrayed; and the stoats grappled with the
weasels, and the weasels fought to get away, and they wrestled
and wriggled and punched each other, and rolled over and over,
till most of 'em rolled into the river! They've all disappeared
by now, one way or another; and I've got their rifles. So that's
all right!'

`Excellent and deserving animal!' said the Badger, his mouth full
of chicken and trifle. `Now, there's just one more thing I want
you to do, Mole, before you sit down to your supper along of us;
and I wouldn't trouble you only I know I can trust you to see a
thing done, and I wish I could say the same of every one I know.
I'd send Rat, if he wasn't a poet. I want you to take those
fellows on the floor there upstairs with you, and have some
bedrooms cleaned out and tidied up and made really comfortable.
See that they sweep UNDER the beds, and put clean sheets and
pillow-cases on, and turn down one corner of the bed-clothes,
just as you know it ought to be done; and have a can of hot
water, and clean towels, and fresh cakes of soap, put in each
room. And then you can give them a licking a-piece, if it's any
satisfaction to you, and put them out by the back-door, and we
shan't see any more of THEM, I fancy. And then come along and
have some of this cold tongue. It's first rate. I'm very
pleased with you, Mole!'

The goodnatured Mole picked up a stick, formed his prisoners up
in a line on the floor, gave them the order `Quick march!' and
led his squad off to the upper floor. After a time, he
appeared again, smiling, and said that every room was ready, and
as clean as a new pin. `And I didn't have to lick them, either,'
he added. `I thought, on the whole, they had had licking enough
for one night, and the weasels, when I put the point to them,
quite agreed with me, and said they wouldn't think of troubling
me. They were very penitent, and said they were extremely sorry
for what they had done. but it was all the fault of the Chief
Weasel and the stoats, and if ever they could do anything for us
at any time to make up, we had only got to mention it. So I gave
them a roll a-piece, and let them out at the back, and off they
ran, as hard as they could!'

Then the Mole pulled his chair up to the table, and pitched into
the cold tongue; and Toad, like the gentleman he was, put all his
jealousy from him, and said heartily, `Thank you kindly, dear
Mole, for all your pains and trouble tonight, and especially for
your cleverness this morning!' The Badger was pleased at that,
and said, `There spoke my brave Toad!' So they finished their
supper in great joy and contentment, and presently retired to
rest between clean sheets, safe in Toad's ancestral home,
won back by matchless valour, consummate strategy, and a proper
handling of sticks.

The following morning, Toad, who had overslept himself as usual,
came down to breakfast disgracefully late, and found on the table
a certain quantity of egg-shells, some fragments of cold and
leathery toast, a coffee-pot three-fourths empty, and really very
little else; which did not tend to improve his temper,
considering that, after all, it was his own house. Through the
French windows of the breakfast-room he could see the Mole and
the Water Rat sitting in wicker-chairs out on the lawn, evidently
telling each other stories; roaring with laughter and kicking
their short legs up in the air. The Badger, who was in an arm-
chair and deep in the morning paper, merely looked up and nodded
when Toad entered the room. But Toad knew his man, so he sat
down and made the best breakfast he could, merely observing to
himself that he would get square with the others sooner or later.
When he had nearly finished, the Badger looked up and remarked
rather shortly: `I'm sorry, Toad, but I'm afraid there's a heavy
morning's work in front of you. You see, we really ought to
have a Banquet at once, to celebrate this affair. It's expected
of you--in fact, it's the rule.'

`O, all right!' said the Toad, readily. `Anything to oblige.
Though why on earth you should want to have a Banquet in the
morning I cannot understand. But you know I do not live to
please myself, but merely to find out what my friends want, and
then try and arrange it for 'em, you dear old Badger!'

`Don't pretend to be stupider than you really are,' replied the
Badger, crossly; `and don't chuckle and splutter in your coffee
while you're talking; it's not manners. What I mean is, the
Banquet will be at night, of course, but the invitations will
have to be written and got off at once, and you've got to write
'em. Now, sit down at that table--there's stacks of letter-paper
on it, with "Toad Hall" at the top in blue and gold--and write
invitations to all our friends, and if you stick to it we shall
get them out before luncheon. And I'LL bear a hand, too; and
take my share of the burden. I'LL order the Banquet.'

`What!' cried Toad, dismayed. `Me stop indoors and write a lot
of rotten letters on a jolly morning like this, when I want
to go around my property, and set everything and everybody to
rights, and swagger about and enjoy myself! Certainly not! I'll
be--I'll see you----Stop a minute, though! Why, of course, dear
Badger! What is my pleasure or convenience compared with that of
others! You wish it done, and it shall be done. Go, Badger,
order the Banquet, order what you like; then join our young
friends outside in their innocent mirth, oblivious of me and my
cares and toils. I sacrifice this fair morning on the altar of
duty and friendship!'

The Badger looked at him very suspiciously, but Toad's frank,
open countenance made it difficult to suggest any unworthy motive
in this change of attitude. He quitted the room, accordingly, in
the direction of the kitchen, and as soon as the door had closed
behind him, Toad hurried to the writing-table. A fine idea had
occurred to him while he was talking. He WOULD write the
invitations; and he would take care to mention the leading part
he had taken in the fight, and how he had laid the Chief Weasel
flat; and he would hint at his adventures, and what a career of
triumph he had to tell about; and on the fly-leaf he would
set out a sort of a programme of entertainment for the evening--
something like this, as he sketched it out in his head:--

SPEECH . . . . BY TOAD.

(There will be other speeches by TOAD during the evening.)

ADDRESS . . . BY TOAD

SYNOPSIS--Our Prison System--the Waterways of Old England--Horse-
dealing, and how to deal--Property, its rights and its duties--
Back to the Land--A Typical English Squire.

SONG . . . . BY TOAD.

(Composed by himself.)

OTHER COMPOSITIONS . BY TOAD

will be sung in the course of the
evening by the . . . COMPOSER.

The idea pleased him mightly, and he worked very hard and got all
the letters finished by noon, at which hour it was reported to
him that there was a small and rather bedraggled weasel at the
door, inquiring timidly whether he could be of any service to the
gentlemen. Toad swaggered out and found it was one of the
prisoners of the previous evening, very respectful and
anxious to please. He patted him on the head, shoved the bundle
of invitations into his paw, and told him to cut along quick and
deliver them as fast as he could, and if he liked to come back
again in the evening, perhaps there might be a shilling for him,
or, again, perhaps there mightn't; and the poor weasel seemed
really quite grateful, and hurried off eagerly to do his mission.

When the other animals came back to luncheon, very boisterous and
breezy after a morning on the river, the Mole, whose conscience
had been pricking him, looked doubtfully at Toad, expecting to
find him sulky or depressed. Instead, he was so uppish and
inflated that the Mole began to suspect something; while the Rat
and the Badger exchanged significant glances.

As soon as the meal was over, Toad thrust his paws deep into his
trouser-pockets, remarked casually, `Well, look after yourselves,
you fellows! Ask for anything you want!' and was swaggering off
in the direction of the garden, where he wanted to think out an
idea or two for his coming speeches, when the Rat caught him by
the arm.

Toad rather suspected what he was after, and did his best to get
away; but when the Badger took him firmly by the other arm he
began to see that the game was up. The two animals conducted him
between them into the small smoking-room that opened out of the
entrance-hall, shut the door, and put him into a chair. Then
they both stood in front of him, while Toad sat silent and
regarded them with much suspicion and ill-humour.

`Now, look here, Toad,' said the Rat. `It's about this Banquet,
and very sorry I am to have to speak to you like this. But we
want you to understand clearly, once and for all, that there are
going to be no speeches and no songs. Try and grasp the fact
that on this occasion we're not arguing with you; we're just
telling you.'

Toad saw that he was trapped. They understood him, they saw
through him, they had got ahead of him. His pleasant dream was
shattered.

`Mayn't I sing them just one LITTLE song?' he pleaded
piteously.

`No, not ONE little song,' replied the Rat firmly, though his
heart bled as he noticed the trembling lip of the poor
disappointed Toad. `It's no good, Toady; you know well that your
songs are all conceit and boasting and vanity; and your speeches
are all self-praise and--and--well, and gross exaggeration and--
and----'

`And gas,' put in the Badger, in his common way.

`It's for your own good, Toady,' went on the Rat. `You know you
MUST turn over a new leaf sooner or later, and now seems a
splendid time to begin; a sort of turning-point in your career.
Please don't think that saying all this doesn't hurt me more than
it hurts you.'

Toad remained a long while plunged in thought. At last he raised
his head, and the traces of strong emotion were visible on his
features. `You have conquered, my friends,' he said in broken
accents. `It was, to be sure, but a small thing that I asked--
merely leave to blossom and expand for yet one more evening, to
let myself go and hear the tumultuous applause that always seems
to me--somehow--to bring out my best qualities. However, you are
right, I know, and I am wrong. Hence forth I will be a very
different Toad. My friends, you shall never have occasion to
blush for me again. But, O dear, O dear, this is a hard
world!'

And, pressing his handkerchief to his face, he left the room,
with faltering footsteps.

`Badger,' said the Rat, `_I_ feel like a brute; I wonder what
YOU feel like?'

`O, I know, I know,' said the Badger gloomily. `But the thing
had to be done. This good fellow has got to live here, and hold
his own, and be respected. Would you have him a common laughing-
stock, mocked and jeered at by stoats and weasels?'

`Of course not,' said the Rat. `And, talking of weasels, it's
lucky we came upon that little weasel, just as he was setting out
with Toad's invitations. I suspected something from what you
told me, and had a look at one or two; they were simply
disgraceful. I confiscated the lot, and the good Mole is now
sitting in the blue boudoir, filling up plain, simple
invitation cards.'

At last the hour for the banquet began to draw near, and Toad,
who on leaving the others had retired to his bedroom, was still
sitting there, melancholy and thoughtful. His brow resting
on his paw, he pondered long and deeply. Gradually his
countenance cleared, and he began to smile long, slow smiles.
Then he took to giggling in a shy, self-conscious manner. At
last he got up, locked the door, drew the curtains across the
windows, collected all the chairs in the room and arranged them
in a semicircle, and took up his position in front of them,
swelling visibly. Then he bowed, coughed twice, and, letting
himself go, with uplifted voice he sang, to the enraptured
audience that his imagination so clearly saw,

TOAD'S LAST LITTLE SONG!

The Toad--came--home!
There was panic in the parlours and bowling in the halls,
There was crying in the cow-sheds and shrieking in the stalls,
When the Toad--came--home!

When the Toad--came--home!
There was smashing in of window and crashing in of door,
There was chivvying of weasels that fainted on the floor,
When the Toad--came--home!

Bang! go the drums!
The trumpeters are tooting and the soldiers are saluting,
And the cannon they are shooting and the motor-cars are hooting,
As the--Hero--comes!

Shout--Hoo-ray!
And let each one of the crowd try and shout it very loud,
In honour of an animal of whom you're justly proud,
For it's Toad's--great--day!

He sang this very loud, with great unction and expression; and
when he had done, he sang it all over again.

Then he heaved a deep sigh; a long, long, long sigh.

Then he dipped his hairbrush in the water-jug, parted his hair in
the middle, and plastered it down very straight and sleek on each
side of his face; and, unlocking the door, went quietly down the
stairs to greet his guests, who he knew must be assembling in the
drawing-room.

All the animals cheered when he entered, and crowded round to
congratulate him and say nice things about his courage, and his
cleverness, and his fighting qualities; but Toad only smiled
faintly, and murmured, `Not at all!' Or, sometimes, for a
change, `On the contrary!' Otter, who was standing on the
hearthrug, describing to an admiring circle of friends exactly
how he would have managed things had he been there, came
forward with a shout, threw his arm round Toad's neck, and tried
to take him round the room in triumphal progress; but Toad, in a
mild way, was rather snubby to him, remarking gently, as he
disengaged himself, `Badger's was the mastermind; the Mole and
the Water Rat bore the brunt of the fighting; I merely served in
the ranks and did little or nothing.' The animals were evidently
puzzled and taken aback by this unexpected attitude of his; and
Toad felt, as he moved from one guest to the other, making his
modest responses, that he was an object of absorbing interest to
every one.

The Badger had ordered everything of the best, and the banquet
was a great success. There was much talking and laughter and
chaff among the animals, but through it all Toad, who of course
was in the chair, looked down his nose and murmured pleasant
nothings to the animals on either side of him. At intervals he
stole a glance at the Badger and the Rat, and always when he
looked they were staring at each other with their mouths open;
and this gave him the greatest satisfaction. Some of the younger
and livelier animals, as the evening wore on, got whispering to
each other that things were not so amusing as they used to be in
the good old days; and there were some knockings on the table and
cries of `Toad! Speech! Speech from Toad! Song! Mr. Toad's
song!' But Toad only shook his head gently, raised one paw in
mild protest, and, by pressing delicacies on his guests, by
topical small-talk, and by earnest inquiries after members of
their families not yet old enough to appear at social functions,
managed to convey to them that this dinner was being run on
strictly conventional lines.

He was indeed an altered Toad!

After this climax, the four animals continued to lead their
lives, so rudely broken in upon by civil war, in great joy and
contentment, undisturbed by further risings or invasions. Toad,
after due consultation with his friends, selected a handsome gold
chain and locket set with pearls, which he dispatched to the
gaoler's daughter with a letter that even the Badger admitted to
be modest, grateful, and appreciative; and the engine-driver, in
his turn, was properly thanked and compensated for all his pains
and trouble. Under severe compulsion from the Badger, even the
barge-woman was, with some trouble, sought out and the value of
her horse discreetly made good to her; though Toad kicked
terribly at this, holding himself to be an instrument of Fate,
sent to punish fat women with mottled arms who couldn't tell a
real gentleman when they saw one. The amount involved, it was
true, was not very burdensome, the gipsy's valuation being
admitted by local assessors to be approximately correct.

Sometimes, in the course of long summer evenings, the friends
would take a stroll together in the Wild Wood, now successfully
tamed so far as they were concerned; and it was pleasing to see
how respectfully they were greeted by the inhabitants, and how
the mother-weasels would bring their young ones to the mouths of
their holes, and say, pointing, `Look, baby! There goes the
great Mr. Toad! And that's the gallant Water Rat, a
terrible fighter, walking along o' him! And yonder comes the
famous Mr. Mole, of whom you so often have heard your father
tell!' But when their infants were fractious and quite beyond
control, they would quiet them by telling how, if they didn't
hush them and not fret them, the terrible grey Badger would up
and get them. This was a base libel on Badger, who, though he
cared little about Society, was rather fond of children; but it
never failed to have its full effect.