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If Chickens Are So Smart, Why Aren't They Eating Us?

THE wrath of PETA, the animal rights group, has now been turned on KFC, the fried-chicken chain. After two years of failed negotiations aimed at forcing KFC to introduce more humane practices into the raising and slaughtering of chickens, PETA announced last week that it would start a worldwide ''Kentucky Fried Cruelty'' campaign, distributing posters, stickers and leaflets that feature a cartoon Colonel Sanders grinning wickedly as he slices open a live bird.

PETA, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, wants KFC, among other things, to kill its chickens using gas rather than slitting their throats, to increase their living space and to provide perches and shelters for the birds. ''KFC has shortchanged the chickens, leaving us no choice but to turn up the heat,'' said Bruce Friedrich, PETA's director of vegan outreach. ''McDonald's, Burger King and Wendy's responded to consumer pressure; KFC would do well to follow their lead.'' YUM Brands, the parent company of KFC, insisted that its animal welfare program had brought about improvements in the way its suppliers raised and killed their chickens.

One claim in the PETA campaign is sure to catch the attention of anyone who has ever had close dealings with a chicken. ''Chickens are inquisitive and interesting animals,'' the campaign's press release begins, ''and are thought to be at least as intelligent as dogs or cats.''

Chickens, with or without the 11 secret herbs and spices, may have splendid qualities, but not many people would put intelligence high on the list. My own experience, a brief but intense relationship with a large Black Australorp that took up residence one day in my backyard in Astoria, Queens, inclines me to take a sunny view of chickens. My hen, whose activities I chronicled in ''My Fine Feathered Friend,'' impressed me as a self-starter, go-getter, early riser, eternal optimist and all-around good sport. She had a certain wily intelligence, always managing to keep me at arm's length without actually breaking into a full, panic-stricken run.

She also seemed to have a sense of fun, as well as a dark (dare I say brooding?) side. In a playful mood, she would sneak up on the most nervous cat in the yard and cackle unexpectedly, propelling the victim into a three-foot vertical leap. A chicken cannot rub its hands together in glee, but this one gave every sign of wanting to. At other times I would catch it staring at the glass of my basement window, pondering who knows what. Staring open-mouthed does not count as genius, I decided.

''I've spent all my life around chickens, and I've seen no instance of anything I'd call intelligence,'' said Edwin Jemison, who sells chemicals for the Jones-Hamilton Company to chicken producers. ''All a chicken wants is to be the same every day, to eat his fill and be comfortable. I think that's a sign of low intelligence.'' Mr. Jemison did admit that the domestic turkey is probably the gold standard for stupidity. While chickens can survive a rainstorm outside, turkeys will look skyward and drown as their throats fill with water.

Scientists take a brighter view of the chicken. Chris Evans, who studies animal behavior and communication at Macquarie University in Australia, rejects the usefulness of cross-species comparisons, and indeed, of intelligence as a useful concept when dealing with animals. But he can make a strong case for the chicken as a bird deserving respect. Chickens exist in stable social groups. They can recognize each other by their facial features. They have 24 distinct cries that communicate a wealth of information to one other, including separate alarm calls depending on whether a predator is traveling by land or sea. They are good at solving problems. ''As a trick at conferences I sometimes list these attributes, without mentioning chickens, and people thing I'm talking about monkeys,'' Mr. Evans said.

Perhaps most persuasive is the chicken's intriguing ability to understand that an object, when taken away and hidden, nevertheless continues to exist. This is beyond the capacity of small children. Even so, Mr. Evans conceded, ''I don't think an argument based on chicken intelligence is going to go anywhere.''

MR. FRIEDRICH of PETA insists that social relations among chickens are more developed than those among cats, and nearly as developed as those among dogs. ''When Jesus was looking for a way to express God's love for man, he used the example of a hen's love for her brood,'' he said.

Still, the Mensa chicken might be a hard sell. Sam Rudy, a Broadway press agent who grew up collecting eggs on the family farm in Pennsylvania, grants that chickens have an undeniable craftiness. But after years spent in daily struggle with hens who pecked his hands, he remains skeptical about the brain of the average chicken. ''I don't think there's a Rhodes scholar among them,'' he said.