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Our Easter Story

April 3, 2015

Originally published in 2013

(For S.)

Craig and I sat next to each other at church the next morning and listened to our friend and pastor talk about Easter. She said that for Christians, Easter means that people can rise from the dead, and that relationships can, too. That even the bush that looks withered and brittle and lifeless can bloom, if given enough time, enough tending, enough love. A new season will come. There is always hope. What looks like the end might just be the beginning.

She said that Sunday might be around the corner, but there is no fast-forwarding through Friday and Saturday. The cross has to come before the resurrection. It’s the way of the world. And unless you bear witness to the truth, unless you face it head on and choose to open your heart to the pain, you won’t bear witness to the miracle, either. If you run away from the crucifixion, you might just miss the resurrection.

But I’m learning that the pain, the struggle that comes from the resurrection, can be a long and excruciating process.

We started seeing a therapist, where, one day, not long ago, Craig delivered The News. The News that no spouse ever believes she’ll hear, though so many of us do. The News that our lack of intimacy was due to a major betrayal of our martial vows, long ago and repeatedly. The News confirmed what I had felt all along. It was verification that the distance between our bodies and hearts and minds was real from the beginning. The distance was created by a solid wall of lies built between us. I knew we didn’t have the marriage we wanted and needed, but before The News, I didn’t know why. I didn’t know why we couldn’t reach each other. The News opened my eyes wide, and it hurt like hell.

I told Craig to move out of our home immediately and explained that I wouldn’t speak to him until he went did some major work on himself. He did. He was awakened. He decided to fight for our family with his new self. His truthful, out in the light, whole self.

While he was gone, I decided to divorce him. Then I decided to forgive him. Then I decided to kill him. Then I decided to stop deciding things. I am learning to listen to the still, small voice telling me not to run—not today at least—and I am taking each day at a time. One at a time. Carrying on.

I remember what our pastor said about Easter. That even the shriveled, lifeless bush can bloom. That Easter Sunday comes after Saturday; the Resurrection after the Crucifixion.

Craig and I are in the Saturday of our marriage right now. We’ve started the hard work of healing and waiting and grieving and raging and holding each other. When I want to turn away or run away, which is all of the time, I remember what Adrianne told me the night I bought my new bicycle. When you feel like you’re falling, she said, steer into the fall. Lean into it instead of away, and you’ll be all right. My favorite part about life is transformation, and I don’t want to miss Craig’s. As a Zen master once said to Geneen Roth, “Enlightenment is seeing one thing through all the way to the end.”

I read somewhere that God sends us partners who are most likely to help us heal. This rings true to me. It’s just that sometimes the healing is so hard that one or both of the partners can’t take it, so somebody bails, or makes it impossible for the other partner to keep on loving. I understand this completely. Healing is so painful. Thankfully, when we turn away someone who would have helped us heal, God sends us another. I don’t think He punishes us. He gives us lots and lots of tries. God is Forever Tries. I think He sends our healing partners in all different forms, not just spouses. He sends sisters, girlfriends, strangers, authors, artists, teachers, therapists, musicians and puppies until one or several partners stick. But if we want redemption, we have to let one stick, eventually. We have to sit through the pain long enough to rise again.

Last night Craig and I went out to dinner, just the two of us. We sat down and Craig pulled out a notebook and pen. He said, “Okay, let’s start from the beginning. I want to know everything. Every little thing. And I want you to know me. The real, honest me. We’ll take it slow…. Where were your parents working before you were born? How did they meet again? I’m going to take notes and study them later. I want us to know everything about each other.”

Happy Easter.

**********************

Post Script:

During the Friday and Saturday of our Easter story, many well-meaning Christians tried to convince me that my marriage was worth saving at any cost. That was not true. Marriages are not worth saving at any cost. People are worth saving at any cost. And God saves, we don’t. That’s why when people ask me whether Love Warrior is about saving my marriage I say, No — for the love of God — it’s about saving my soul.

Sometimes when it comes to marriage: Christians forget the message of their leader, which is that as uncomfortable as it makes us—new life often requires a death first. And sometimes that means the death of a marriage. Some relationships are like perennials; they survive the winter and bloom again bigger and fuller than ever. And other loves are annuals. They last for a season and then winter comes and they die and they crumble into the soil making it richer for the next bush to bloom. Either way there is new life. Either way there is redemption and never before seen beauty.

Please know that if there are two paths in front of you—divorce and reconciliation—God is waiting to walk you down either one. The bumps on each path will be different. Each will wind differently. But the end of each path is redemption. You will never be left alone on either path. Because nothing—not death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, (including divorce) will be able to separateyou from the love of God.

If your church is more interested in saving your marriage than your soul, raise your hand and ask questions. God loves you more than any institution on Earth, even marriage, even Christianity.

Jesus did not die for your marriage’s redemption, Jesus died for your redemption and the redemption of your partner. Divorced or together, you are already redeemed. It’s finished. Claim your peace. Claim your freedom. Do not be afraid. Because no matter how dark it is now: you will rise again. That’s the way of the world. That’s the message of Easter.

122 Comments

I read this every year during the Easter weekend. I can’t breathe every time I read it…. it’s like you see straight into my heart when I read it. I’m lost and small and afraid. I can’t be married to him and find my way to Jesus…. I just can’t reconcile it no matter how hard I try…. and I want to find Jesus… but not enough to walk away. I want to take my girls to church tomorrow and I don’t even know if I can. Church gives me terrible anxiety attacks. Jesus isn’t anxiety attacks.

Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you. I’ve been divorced for two years. I stayed married to an abusive husband for 10 because I thought it was a vow I couldn’t break. When I finally saw that my son was old enough to become a witness and a victim, I left. I took my boy and I filed an order of protection and I gave up every penny I had to divorce that man. I am a single mom, barely making ends meet, and my ex has done everything he can to make me regret my decision. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I did it because I had to protect my child. I’ve been told, by more than one person, that God will forgive me and that I can pray for reconciliation. Glennon. I don’t want reconciliation. I don’t want that man to be able to hurt me or my son anymore. Being told that I’ve sinned and that it was wrong makes this a thousand times harder. I made the right decision, it wasn’t a sin, and the God that I believe in wouldn’t punish me or my boy (who is 5 now and flourishing) for doing what we had to do. We have to stop telling people divorce is sinful and sticking it out is the only way to be a good Christian. Who are we helping? If there are women (or men) out there in ugly situations they need to hear this message. I needed to hear it, probably every day for the past two years. So thank you.

Glennon,
I’ve followed you for a long time. I love your spirit, your honesty and your candor. I didn’t know until recently that you went through the with your marriage. I am currently between the Friday and the Saturday after Easter. After 12 years of marriage and 18 years together, I found out about my husband’s recent affair. I was/am still devastated. Like your husband, he has been working on himself and on us. He realized he had so much to work on. We are seeing a counselor, the whole bit. We communicate openly and more often and if things stay the way they are, we have hope. We still love each other very much and have children and don’t want to leave our family. He is a completely different person — we are many months out from the discovery. But the pain is still so very real. I have good days and bad. Days when I realize that we are together for a reason and will get through this. But then the bad days come. The bad thoughts and hurtful memories of knowing it was bad during the affair, but not being able to put my finger on it. My heart has been shattered and I’m trying to pick up the pieces. I don’t feel strong, even though friends, my therapist and our marriage counselor tell me I am. I find it hard to be the good mom I used to be because I am upset a lot. I am waiting for that magic day when the thoughts will stop permeating every thing I do.

I have friends who have weathered it. I know stories of those who have been through it, come out on the other side and been better. My therapist asked me if God sat down with me and said, “If you had a choice, would you choose to continue to live a mediocre life in a mediocre marriage, or if you knew that after the pain and devastation, what’s waiting on the other side is a marriage and a true love that you might not ever have known before?” Most days I choose the latter, on my bad days I chose the former.

It helps more that you will ever know, to see someone like you — with your courage, and strength and tenacity and humor, not only get through it, but come out better on the other side. So thank you. Thank you from far away — please know that what you do has so much meaning to many people, people you might not ever meet in person.

What if I am the one who wants out…. who gave up on our marriage for so may good reasons…..and then sought out “emotional attachment” elsewhere? The emotionaL attachment has since moved on because neither of us wanted to cause anyone pain with The News.
I since told my husband The News, that I had sought out emotional relationship elsewhere and that my turning away came out of giving up on Us….after many counseling attempts over the years
Now he has begun to work on changing who he is. Together we are working on changing how we operate in our family through the help of a marriage and family therapist. Truly he is doing most of the work as I vacillate between staying or going.
But I don’t know if love him in the way that I need to. And I don’t want this marriage for the rest of my life. I love my children. I care for my husband. But I feel trapped. I just wonder if this is a Saturday experience or if our annual has died. He says he couldn’t stand that…the end of our marriage and I’m not sure that I can stand staying. I felt free when I thought that I was going to get out and go look for love elsewhere. But I recognize that I might not find love again.
Now after a year of counseling and crying and really hard conversations, I am exhausted. Not sure what God wants from me. We(God and I) had some miscommunication over the past 2 years and I am truly not sure what is best.. or if God is leading in any direction. It is all very excruciating.

My mother is the most wonderful strong woman I know. My father was an abusive alcoholic. She was raised that you stayed in a marriage no matter what. When we (me and my brothers) would ask why she didn’t take us and leave, her response was always, “half a home is better than no home at all.” I’m here to tell you that’s not true. As an adult now, I believe the worse thing she could have done is stayed in that marriage. I grew up watching her get beat up by my dad. It was horrible. There were so many nights of crying myself to sleep. There were times I questioned what was love really. I tell people he was a good father to me, because I knew he loved me, but he was a terrible husband. Now I look back and think if he wanted to be a good father, he should have respected and loved my mother. Or, they should have divorced. He probably would have died sooner without her but she could have lived a better life without him. I’m here to tell you that staying in a bad marriage for the sake of the children is just wrong. Children are resilient and it’s better to be in a loving home than in a miserable one. You aren’t doing your children any favors by being in a bad relationship that is loveless and disrespectful. How do you teach your children love if you don’t love yourself to do better.

This is amazing, Glennon. I love how you’ve harnessed the brilliance you have been given to steer through storm after storm, and in turn have the most engaging tales of your journey to share with us. Also, you have become a kind of super storm warrior, with the muscles and sinews busting out in all its sexy glory.

Grateful for you, for all you are and all you do with all you are, for your open journal of humanity that reminds me that I’m on the right track, and I can do the hard things, and win like a mofo. (Can I say that? 🙂 )

This is so beautifully said. Thank you. It is only through bringing light to the dark that healing begins.
I am in my Sunday now and it is worth all the Saturdays and even that Friday, simply because, as you said, love wins. Our Sunsay could not be this beautiful if not for our Friday. I do wish it weren’t so, but I wouldn’t trade what we have now, even to erase The News.

Oh Amy… tears started flowing as I read through your words. I needed to see them… that it can be all worth it in the end. I’m still living Saturday… a year and a half later… still Saturday… the never ending Saturday. I know Sunday can come… and I need it. I needed that encouragement tonight, more than you know. Thank you.

I’m so so grateful to you and your willingness to be so honest, Glennon. Like many others who have already commented, I am in the Friday…have been for years. We just decided to separate, and the guilt and grief and sadness is overwhelming (particularly watching our two sweet children grieve as well). I don’t yet know if our love will be a perennial or an annual… I just know my heart aches and Sunday feels like an excruciatingly long way away. Quite literally counting down the days until Love Warrior comes out. I feel like your words are healing, and Lord knows I need some healing…

I got The News directly from the gloating News “topic” Bianca Evans. This made it particularly difficult because my husband was not the person to deliver the News, so his confession was forced due to his mistress’ ego and need for validation. It made me extremely resentful of both parties because in my mind, only the most horrible of women would both date a married man and then reveal all to his wife (while continuing to unapologetically sleep with the married man). For what? Just to create a Friday so that she could experience Sunday? We have been through a very long Friday since The News broke. Sunday does come but the days continue to cycle through. Once you learn The News, it is difficult to un-learn it. This post has inspired me though and I do hope that as a sisterhood, we can all commit to not continuing this practice of allowing News Stories to be developed. We cannot control the actions of others, but we can maintain our sisterhood to one another. It is extremely hurtful to learn that a sister could be an active participant in wrecking another woman’s marriage. Let’s not create more Friday’s for one another intentionally. And let’s certainly not drag our sister through the shit when we find out that we are way above our own heads in our own shit.

I am in an amazing and blessed Sunday with my husband of 3 years and our 9 children. I rejoice in that ALL the time. But I am sad that the one who caused THE NEWS is still back on Friday. Or Thursday. He couldn’t handle the work and the pain and walked. Rejoicing in MY transformation is hard sometimes when he is un-transforming and our 5 children are still suffering.

The other woman in our case is now my former husband’s wife. Neither of them have ever expressed remorse for years of lies and cheating and the agony and suffering they caused me and my 5 children. They just swept it under the rug as if it didn’t happen and “moved on”. This makes closure and healing A LOT more challenging. I try to remember that it is GRACE that makes me able to be open and heal and transform and that it is a deep sadness they are not open to that same grace. Peace to you.

As a divorced person, who feels like I was called OUT of my marriage so that I could be a fighter for healthy marriages, I appreciate this post so much. You’ve said every word that I fumble through. No one can tell you what YOUR right move is, but let the Holy Spirit fill your lungs, because God knows you can’t breathe when you’re in the throws of it, and sit. And wait. And He will speak. And you will survive. And as crazy as it seems, if you don’t loosen your grip on the One who rescued you when your whole world started spinning, you will thrive. Together, Alone, or still figuring it out. Just hang on, try to be graceful, and listen close. Thank you Glennon. I sure do love you, sister.

I got The News about 18 months ago. And we were working our way through Friday and Saturday. Then a couple of months ago, I found out that “The News” was only a small part and there was a whole lot more. In fact, what I thought was devastating initially was only a very small part. Now I’m back at Friday and trying to breathe and trying to decide what to do. Thank you for your post and sharing.

That, Michelle, is what the call D day 2. I experienced a 1 and a 2 and a 3. Rarely, do all the facts come out at first. I am 5 years post D day…some days it feels like yesterday — the pain and emotions are raw and real. On the other hand, sometimes it feels like a million years ago. As G said, carry on. It’s so true
…I carried on for my kids thru the fog, the anger and the sleepless nights. It takes work and forgiveness, but you both have to be invested. God Bless you and your path thru the Fridays and Saturdays. There will be a Sunday again. Hugs, sister.

Thank you, G, for always writing things in my language. It is that I feel most often you speak directly to me! Thank you for telling the truth and saying what most don’t want to because it is uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is well..uncomfortable… BUT… necessary to grow and learn and change. Thank you for helping me see things in a different light!

I am in Friday. My husband said that he’s leaving me, 5 months ago and I still doesn’t believe what he said and what it means. The past 3 months, he’s been asking for divorce. I am praying for miracles that God could keep the family to be back whole again, that he will be back.

I am literally and figuratively in my marriage’s Easter Saturday. In counseling, shocked at why we’re here, still in love, but scared of what broken trust means moving forward. Thank you for sharing this. I feel less alone today.

Friend, I’m in the same situation you are. Friday came and it was horrific and now by the grace of God, we are inching toward Sunday. There is no explanation as to why this marriage might last and others won’t but I thank God every day for opening my husbands and my hearts – cracking them WIDE open – and allowing us to literally start over after 15 years. (We are also doing our part… Intensive counseling and self-work so yes God helps but you can’t just sit and wait for a miracle!) I don’t understand it but I don’t have to. God is clearly with us, and He is also with you and every other Monkee who is struggling. Just do the Next Right Thing and it will be ok. Sending love!

Kelly, I am right there with you. We still love each other, we are in counseling and working through it. But there are days when I don’t know if the broken trust is too much to bear moving on. You are not alone.

Right now I am in the Friday of my relationship. It is so hard and I feel like I will be here forever! But I won’t, and its so nice to hear it from the perspective of someone who has been there! Please pray for me as decisions are being made to see if our Saturday and Sunday are together or apart. I am working on myself, and that’s all I can do at this point. Warriors we are in this together and I am praying for ALL of you and your journeys!!

I love how this group of Warriors loves, encourages and cares for one another. Thank you all for being Jesus with skin to those who are hurting. I was there 8 years ago. A group of kind, loving Warriors of my own held me and carried me through that L-O-N-G Friday. Sunday did indeed come, and God sent me the most amazing, loving, awesome, incredible gift. His name is Barry. I married him 1-1-11. Sending love, hope and prayers to those for whom it is Friday. Hang on, Friends. Sunday is coming indeed!

My Saturday is just a couple of months old but it feels so long already. Sometimes I reach back for the fresh heartbreak of Friday for clarity, to remember why I’m slogging away on this path. There won’t be Sunday for the relationship, but I know my own Sunday is coming. I can’t see it or feel it most days BUT– big but!– I know it’s out there. Right now I don’t know what to pray for except that my heart stay broken so the light can do its work.

My hope has a name and it is Jesus, but when your world is so dark and you can’t see Him anywhere and all you can hear is everyone else’s voices, this was so simple. Hope is not in circumstances or results. My hope is in my savior and I could not be that to my husband. Thank you so much for the PS of this as it hits home in a BIG way.

Glennon, this is why we love you. Your story and how you fearlessly tell it. I LOVE the line “If your church is more interested in saving your marriage than your soul, raise your hand and ask questions. God loves you more than any institution on Earth, even marriage, even Christianity.”

Amen.

As a pastor who prepares, marries, and counsels so many couples, that phrase is an excellent reminder. My priority is helping everyone heal and sometimes divorces do that. Sometimes it’s working to save the relationship. It’s all about the “I,We,They” process. Gotta work on you (the “I”) then together when to self-aware ppl come together, you can have a “We” and when the we is working you can reach out to others. But not until then.

Thank you for reposting this and adding the postlude, G. This post gives me hope every time I read it. Every time I get down about something in my own marriage, I think of you, and you give me inspiration. Thank you.

That was beautiful! I’m in the Friday. I want to tell him to leave, but it’s a logistical nightmare for our family. I feel trapped and broken and bruised and bleeding. It’s been 8 months since discovery and I feel like I’ve been through an emotional Roman flogging. Now he’s expecting things of me that impossible for a person face down in the dirt bleeding and semi-unconscious from the beating endured. Don’t know why I felt the need to say all that, but thank you for supplying a space to voice it. Maybe because I feel so unheard in my marriage. I am clinging to this hope: Jesus will restore my soul no matter what my future looks like.

I can so relate to you. I’m three months into Friday. My husband has put me through the ringer…and continues to. I’m hanging on, waiting for that awakening moment when my husband is finally broken, at the end if himself… I’ve been at that place, waiting for him. If our marriage hadn’t been as wonderful as it had, the first 13 years anyway (we’ve been married for 15 years), I wouldn’t still be here…waiting.
My redemption is already happening…Jesus is making me new, bringing me to a place with Him that I I don’t believe ever would have been possible without it. I’m sitting in Friday, facing the pain head on. I’m stepping off the side of the boat asking Jesus to keep my eyes on Him. I’m embracing this brokenness…I’ve never been to this place before. Sometimes I scream, sometimes I cry…most of the time I do both at the same time.
I trust you Jesus…But I’m so tired of Friday.

What if there is no “THE NEWS” but just a constant wall of resentment, control of money, ongoing depression and anxiety (on his part. I feel so lost. I mean technically there is no abuse, right? No infidelity. But I feel like he is chipping away at me day after day. I can do no right. I love my kids 5 & 7 and don’t want to split up the family for my own selfish (?) reasons. I am so lost, every day I think I cannot do this any more. Counseling has not done much. Every once in a while he will admit he has been a jerk, but then things just go back and the cycle starts again. I will continue to pray for clarity and peace.

Have you had the chance to read “Angry and Controlling Men?” by Lundy Bancroft? Try not to let the strong title turn you away. It may be helpful in shining some light into your current relationship. It was a book that has greatly helped me, and continues to do so. So sorry to hear about the pain you are in.

Hi TG- A wonderful counselor once said to me when I felt as you do: Staying in an unhappy marriage can be worse than splitting up the family. Kids are resilient and will be much healthier and happier in the long run if they are raised by happier parents- even if that means they are in separate places.

I wish you clarity and peace. It’s a tough place to be. Maybe you need to try a new counselor? Things worked out for us and I know it’s due to a terrific guide who helped us work it out.

What you describe IS abuse…emotional, psychological and financial. It IS abuse send should be recognised as such. Don’t keep making excuses for him, don’t keep accepting it as “normal”. Love and respect yourself first.

We stick with marriages not because we’re masochistic, but because it’s a reflection of how God sticks with us.
Will God be there either way? Yeah. Does God have a preference? You bet. Keep your vows, and let them bring you both to your knees, so that your testimony can be His glory. Although God is all about second and third and thousandth chances, reconciliation vs divorce is not a “potato, potata” kinda thing, so I hope I’m wrong in the impression that I got from you that in any way it is.
-Someone in the midst of Saturday morning.

Marriage is THE perfect example to us mere humans of the Trinity and the canvas to which God indeed molds and shapes and heals and grows us. My marriage is a covenant before God and WITH God and with my husband. God always wants us to choose Him first and our die to our sins daily. I say it is THROUGH our marriage that God has revealed Himself to me in the most powerful ways imaginable. Sadly, many all to often are not willing to fight the good fight and ever see the incomparable redemption God has waiting for them on the other side. THROUGH my marriage I can see and feel and KNOW God’s unending LOVE for me.

My husband also lectured me about our marriage covenant. He controled my life. We went to church, Bible Study, then he would hit me when we come home from the service.I prayed for mercy. We met with our pastor for counselling when I had bruises under my dress sleeves from him hitting me with a bottle. The pastor told us just what you said, that our marriage is a Covenant of God, that God shows Himself to me through the struggles of my marriage, that I need to Submit to my husband. Well my God is merciful I said to them! I stopped believing their words when I was 8month pregnant and hethrew me out of a car.

If you see yourself in my words. Run. Get away! It doesn’t matter what those people at your church say. I no longer believe you should submit in a bad marriage for God. I am still alive today because I left. I have a merciful God who is beside me with my choices.

These messages are wonderful, but I can’t help but think of Matthew 7:15, I think, where Jesus tells us to beware of the wolf in sheep’s clothes and we can tell the difference by looking at the fruit they produce. My parents were married for 25 hard, loud, destructive years. They tried and tried and tried, but the more time that went in, the more tender were old wounds. Few children want to see their parents divorce, but few child realize the damage that living in a war zone can cause. I still don’t know how to handle my anger because I didn’t see it demonstrated. I saw only one who gave into their anger and another who ran away.

My parents divorced after I went to college and both found amazing spouses and are different people. I believe in the commitment of marriage and think people too often run away, thinking they can run away from the pain. But I also believe that there is a time when you should look at who you are and look at who your partner is, when you are in a marriage feels broken. Does the marriage produces only bad fruit even though you’ve watered it and fertilized it?

My husband and I are sitting in Friday, trying to move into Saturday. The News broke me and I’m trying to figure out how to rebuild myself and heal while trying support him in his healing. I’m so lost……

This is just my opinion, but I think that each person individually has to work on getting healed. For me, therapy is a must – individual therapy and couple therapy. I have told my husband that I am not going to try to heal him and “fix” him (and his addiction), but I am going to continue working to be a good mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, person, etc., and all of those qualities will help him too. Jesus lead by example and love. I think when you are in a marital crisis you have to take care of yourself first. Like the example they give you when you are on a plane – you take your oxygen mask and put it on yourself. If you don’t and you’re gasping for air, you won’t be much help to others. Get healthy and find your peace. Wishing you happiness and peace:)

After a few years of difficulties in my marriage I found out that I was pregnant with our third child. This was not supposed to be physically possible; to say we were surprised would be an understatement. We wrestled with the news but came to a place of peace and excitement; I felt as if our intimacy was restored–or at least better. The baby died five months into the pregnancy, just before Christmas. We clung to one another for a time but now things are more broken than ever before and I don’t know how to move on from this Friday. I am grieving so many things right now that I can’t see the cross for my tears.

I’m so sorry for such unimaginable pain. I have no words of wisdom for you except to say that jesus feels your pain with you, when you can’t see the cross, he does. Pain wasn’t absent even for him but through his strength, love and perseverance we have a God who lifts us up and jesus who intercedes for us when we don’t know what to say and our strength waining. In these moments just surrender to trying and trust that it’s not in your “doing” that will change your fragile emotional state but in knowing that he is the source of our strength and that his grace is sufficient. Love to you wherever you are. Jesus be her strength xo

This is helping me reflect on my parents’ divorce. But what I am struggling with is that neither of them seemed to blossom in the rich soil of the deceased plant that was their marriage. I feel like the chose the divorce path, but didn’t take ownership for it. I know it’s easy for me to sit back and judge them when I surely only know or understand a fraction of the information. I want to love and accept them both, but really struggle with not feeling angry with them for not owning their choices and trying to flourish in the next stage of life. It almost seems like my mom purposely held herself back to prove that it was all my dad’s fault and he ruined her life. Has anyone else encountered such feelings about others’ relationships? How did you overcome?

So been there! I think all you can do is promise never to do this yourself and to help your kids be stronger types of people…just improve the family on down! And realize you can’t make people be happy, Just listen and change the subject when bitter parents get negative. You are not alone!

Our parents are as broken as we are. And sometimes one or both may be more immature than you are as an adult. I struggle in other ways with my relationship to my mother and am learning that I need to love my mother for who she is–not who I want her to be. As a child, I looked to my parents as the adults, but now that I’m adult, I see her as more of a child and am learning to accept her as she is.

Betrayal can come in very many forms. Mine was a husband who just gave up and (ironically) it was on yet another Easter that he picked a fight because he didn’t want to go visit my family in a neighboring state that I let him go. We went to court the next day and I was divorced three months later. That was five years ago. The path has certainly not been easy and my church will not let me move on. It’s a very lonely place. If there’s anything worth fighting for, hang on, but never sacrifice your soul to do it.

I’m sorry to hear that your church won’t let you move on. There must be a strong connection there for you not to just throw in the towel on church in general after that. If there is some good there for you, then good for you for hanging in with your community after this. But if the community has betrayed you, remember that Jesus hasn’t. You are brave to tell your story here. I hope you find some support in the midst of your loneliness. I hour you get a glimpse of the resurrection this Easter. Hugs.

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary since my husband left after 13 years together. There was no violence or infidelity, we just didn’t make it past the wall.
It has hurt so bad, Friday has lasted the whole entire year. Some days I feel I’m at 12:01am of Friday while others feel like 11:59pm… but it’s still Friday. This morning, I met with him for breakfast after 3 months of very little communication and not seeing each other at all since he moved to another city. It kind of felt like a business meeting and I was ready to talk about the hard stuff but felt that over easy eggs and coffee did not go with hard talk and rather enjoyed the company of a long time friend and talked about things without importance that were a better companion to our breakfast skillet.

When I left, I texted him and told him we still had to talk about the hard stuff and then I ran across your article and oh, what a difference it made for me today. I sat it my car for hours crying at a random parking lot over the pain of Friday but also over the hope there is when Sunday comes. That hope made me smile and it also made me brave and I shared your article with my husband. I told him that it was not about the outcome of the story nor the details, but the core of the message and asked him to please not take it the wrong way. I told him I hope he liked it because I had loved it, especially the last part to which he responded “the part about – we like big butts and we cannot lie?-” and I was relieved that humor surfaced in the midst of a Friday where Sunday seems so far away.

Glennon, you are so right when you say that God sends partners to help us heal! God, I have found so many beautiful souls that have lifted me up during this time, people I don’t know how I lived before they came into the picture. I just wanted to thank you for being one of those partners, for sharing this just at the right time when I was in that parking lot and was brave enough to cry out loud.

Sunday is coming and we will rise again. I will rise and he will rise. That is the gospel of Jesus Christ, the hope we find when we learn that there is life after death.

Last Easter weekend, I was praying for a miracle that would bring my husband, who was making Very Bad Decisions, back to me. We were separated and hardly talking, but I still loved him and wanted that man back. God answered my prayers in a completely unexpected and pretty unpleasant kind of way, but my husband now says Easter Saturday was the best worst day of his life. We have started fresh, when I thought we had nothing left. God is good!

for all of you in the Fridays of your life, I am praying for you. I got the news a little over 4 years ago and saw my married life ending right before my eyes. We lived together in misery for 2 weeks trying to console our children. All I could do during that time was pray to my Father in heaven for the strength I knew only he could me. He provided me with a loving friend who held me in every way during those days. On a Friday afternoon, I witnessed God heal my husbands soul in our living room. It was a healing that created a testimony for all who witnessed it. Our marriage would not have survived without Gods intervention and the healing of my husbands soul. At times, I still ask why us. Why was our marriage healed when so many are not. I continue to pray for all those who are suffering. God is present with each of us no matter which path we go down.

I am also at a difficult place, but I am the one with the straying thoughts. I am married to a good man, but our marriage is not excellent, by any means. We almost don’t agree on anything politically and many of our religious views are pretty divergent. I have known my husband for over 30 years and have been married for 10. We have two great kids. There was a time when I felt like we were chosen to be together, but even before this crush on another, I have wondered if it was just the level of our chemistry since we have almost nothing in common.

A ton of bricks was dumped on my head when I not only realized that I have feelings for someone else, but it is also clear that he has feelings for me. Neither of us has verbalized anything to the other, let alone anything else, and I do not intend to do anything that will threaten my marriage.

The man for whom I developed feelings represents everything I DON’T have with my husband: he is highly talented and intelligent, well educated, spoken and traveled, funny, and we have many similar perspectives on things. I also know that what is resonating with me is the idealized, perfect version of him and not the real version.

For so many years, I have told myself that it is okay for my husband and me to have our own views and interests, and I still believe that, but shouldn’t people have something in common besides sex? I’m so tired of not getting any kind of real response about things I want to talk about with him that I believe or that interest me while I listen to all his stories of what happened at work.

There is no way I will allow anything to happen, but I have to wrestle with what I am left thinking and wondering about my own marriage. Neither of us sees the idealized version of each other any more, which I guess means that we have accepted each other’s flaws.

I don’t believe in one soul mate, but that there are some people who meet enough criteria to make the other person happy. If I was single, I would be all over this other man. I am not single and if I did anything, I don’t know how I would recover from that in terms of self respect, that of my husband (and likely the other man), and I can’t fathom how that would affect my kids. I would lose everything.

I do not want to be the one to hurt anyone I care about, especially my own family, but I have never had this kind of reaction to someone before. I could sure use some resolution on this.

Holding space for you, friend. These are big things to wrestle with — and they come up much more frequently than some people (ahem: me, for instance) want to acknowledge. Just wanted to affirm that and say that I hear you. XO

Wow. It sounds like you are at Thursday – and there is a Friday around the corner and it could go a lot of different ways. It also sounds like you trust and know yourself, and truly care about everyone involved in the situation. Sending you prayers for guidance, clarity, and continued love and compassion.

I want to tell you that I was where you are, adrift in my marriage and lusted and longing for another….and I allowed it to advance to some degree. I let it hurt me, and hurt my husband, and damage my family. It didn’t solve anything. It didn’t help me. It left me confused, and hurt. And in the end, i lost more than I gained. You have to find a way to talk about what is allowing you to feel the way you do about another man. Counseling? If you can’t walk away from your new interest, perhaps you do need to get some space from your spouse to respect him and not do the damage you fear doing? Pray if you pray, and look for the why of what you are feeling. Find someone to help you walk through it. <3

Several years ago, I found myself at a similar moment. I prayed and asked God to separate me from that man, and to never let me lay eyes on him again. I simply didn’t trust myself. God honored that request. His family still attends our church, and occasionally I am tempted to “casually” ask about him. But I’m pretty convinced that my part of the bargain is to refrain from doing that. Most importantly, I am not miserable with my husband. Not every day has been my favorite, but overall, I like my life a lot. So I urge separation from the temptation, read 1 Cor 10:13, and counseling wouldn’t be a bad idea. In the meantime, count me among those praying for you!

I have also had the desire for someone else. It reminds me if what it was like to fall for someone all those years ago. To feel beautiful, appreciated and like your thought counts. I long for this person, have dreams of holding hands and going further. It is consuming me. We know each other’s feelings and know it will destroy us; especially my family. But I am open with him, share my feelings abou everything. In my marriage, I don’t speak up, am constantly pulled in 72 directions at home. I shut down, I don voice my opinion, I don’t laugh unless it is with the kids. I am not in love. I love my husband, but not in love. Wow, that hurt to write. Yes, the idea of someone else is comforting, but I don’t know what that grass would look like. If only there was a crystal ball. Talking to friends, they say my unhappiness long before I was willing to. I decided in counseling for myself- there is a lot to work on. A LOT! But I still long for the marriage I think I had 4 years ago; but maybe it was always this way and I was too blind to see. I also long for this person I am more open with than anyone.

I have a long way to go. All I know is I heard tat a few of my coworkers with long relationships feel like they are roommates. I sort if feel like that now. I don’t want a roommate in 10,20,30 years, I want a lovers, partner and best friend.

Something I’ve learned in my marriage is that you don’t confide in anyone but God, your spouse, and friends of the SAME sex. To tell another man things that you won’t(/can’t) tell your husband is a kind of betrayal/infidelity. Believe me, I know. I met someone online a couple of years ago and talking to him made me feel an excitement and thrill I hadn’t experienced with my husband in years. That scared and worried me. After all, I was playing an online game when I met this guy; I wasn’t looking to meet someone, I wasn’t unhappy in my marriage. I realized that the reason I felt excitement with this man was because our conversations were deep, and personal – just like mine with my husband were when we first met and dated. I cut ties with this other guy, and applied what I learned to my own marriage. We take turns picking what we do as a couple with our free time after the three kids are in bed (movie, game, cuddle, etc.), so now I’ve added “conversation” to the list of possibilities. It’s just not a priority otherwise. So I have to choose coffee and conversation, make a deliberate effort. Because new relationships DEEPEN faster than old ones, they seem more thrilling and maybe even like the new is better than the old. But most likely, the old has just slowed so much that the new feels deeper by comparison – but it’s not. The grass is always greener on the other side, but water and tend your side and it, too, can be green. I know many of you have husbands that perhaps don’t try as hard as mine does to make things better (we’ve gone to counseling and been trying to improve our marriage for years), but I still encourage you to tend your own garden. It will produce the blessings in your life that only come from obedience to God. You’ll be able to respect yourself and your husband more in the long run. Sending love and prayers your way. <3

I know it can seem so wonderful to meet someone who ‘gets’ you after feeling so alone in your marriage, but bringing someone else in to your current relationship is never the right answer. The pain it will cause EVERYONE is not worth it. First deal with your marital issues and decide, without the confusion of another relationship, if it is truly worth saving. If it is, move down that path. If it is not, follow that path. If you don’t deal with the issues in your marriage now, you will only bring them to your new relationship.

There are many great books and articles out there that deal with this topic. Reading them may help bring clarity. Please know I am sympathetic to your situation. I just hate to see people go from the frying pan to the fire.

Please, please get into therapy and tell your husband what you told us here. There’s still hope — or the two of you can be helped through the process of separating amicably. You don’t have to go it alone, is my point. Neither of you.

I agree with May!
Dear Broken- I was where you are. I told my husband we NEEDED counseling and I hoped he’d come, but if he didn’t, I was going anyway. He came and while there, I told him what he’d never thought he’d hear from me ever which was “I have not acted on anything, but I now understand how people get tempted into an affair. I do not want to do anything because I took vows and I love you. BUT if we did not have children, I would consider going”. It was like someone threw a bucket of cold water on his head! but you know what? He heard me. I had been feeling distance from him and asked him why and he had no reason and we had little in common etc etc. Before anything terrible happened, I said it out loud. You know what? He heard me and he listened to the counselor and he asked me to give him six months to help himself, and help “us” and so I agreed. We did the work and that other ‘spark’ went out before I even knew it.
Our counselor was amazing and now, 7 years later, I’m actually planning to schedule a ‘maintenance appointment’. Our 15th anniversary is coming up and I think we need a tune-up!
You’re not alone “Broken” and you’re not BROKEN. Love to you!

“Temptation to a certain sin, to any sin whatsoever, might last throughout our whole life, yet it can never make us displeasing to God’s Majesty provided we do not take pleasure in it and give consent to it. You must have great courage in the midst of temptation. Never think yourself overcome as long as they are displeasing to you, keeping clearly in mind the difference between feeling temptation and consenting to it.”
— St. Teresa of Avila
Cardinal Dolan of NY talks to a young man about whether or not it’s God’s will for him to break up with his girlfriend. He starts with some simple questions such as, “Is she married? Are you married?….. Then it’s not His will that you should be with her.” There are a few more, and of course after the basics, the discernment process gets a bit more difficult, but you get the idea. Blessings and keeping you in my prayers.

Funny how you read something and it just hits home so much! Friday, March 6, 2015 I found out The News. I was devastated, shocked, confused, and every other emotion. I cried for hours… couldn’t sleep… called into work blaming an illness on my daughter. He is my best friend and I wanted to go and be comforted by him, but I didn’t want him to touch me! He said it only happened once. I know in my heart that ok maybe it happened with her once, but who else in the past was there that I didn’t know about!? We are working through this, and I am praying that God will keep giving me the strength to get through it. Some days are better than some. Thank you for your words, your incredibly honest and beautiful words. Prayers for you and your family as well 🙂

These are the words I needed to hear today. I am in the middle of my Friday. I am sad, broken, and do not know if I can ever trust again. What we are doing now is not working, so we are going to divide and conquer – and hopefully, join together on a new Sunday. Thank you so, so much for this!

While I am not in this situation of being divorced or separated, this was a great article. I have been married for a year and a half and it does lend truth to us newlyweds too and how we treat each other and how we as individuals have to grow separately to make the team unit work. I see both sides, I see the want to fight for that marriage, but I also see the need to let go and move on and redeem yourself and let your bush bloom again whether it be with your spouse or without them. A bushel basket uncovered does not show the light as the Bible says. If someone in the relationship is hindering your growth or not supporting you, that is not a team effort.

My family has had a few divorces and my aunts have all moved on from the previous relationships they had with their spouses, lived in their Fridays and Saturday’s, grew and sprouted new branches and they eventually met a different man that loved her for her. I do agree that sometimes the church stresses that divorce is bad and to keep the marriage together, but I don’t think that is always the best thing, sometimes that is the path that God takes us on and we find that we are not happy with that path and yes, it has big implications and decisions when we decide to end it, but that doesn’t mean that you cannot or should not end it. Everything has an end, including life. Should we be unhappy in that life by sticking to a marriage that is making us unhappy, no I don’t think so, but I also think that supporting each other and finding out why that marriage is not working for EACH person is a good thing too, like the author did, finding yourself, go to therapy, them finding themselves and if you can make it work after all then great! I don’t agree with the quickie divorce where you don’t try to reconcile or figure out things. What I do know is that reconciling and relearning to love someone works for some people and moving on works for others. I have seen both cases and it all depends on the persons involved. One of our friends has PTSD and he and his wife stuck together and are better for it. My aunt was being abused by her no ex-husband, she left the relationship and took her son, eventually remarried and my cousin loves his stepfather like his own dad. The church may want people to stick together, but Jesus wants us all to be happy however that happens and we need to do that for ourselves. I pray that all you responders that are suffering or in your Friday’s and Saturday’s find comfort right now and reach your Sunday soon in whatever fashion it comes. God has a plan for us all and I hope that you find your peace.

Thank you for this. It is exactly what I needed to hear. We are in the Friday of our marriage after our own News came about over a month ago. The weekend will be very long, and I needed this. Thank you, G, as always.

Glennon,
Your blog gives me strength in some of my weakest days. 6 months ago, my husband of 15 years came home and confessed an affair that shook me to my core. He can’t decide between her and I, and last month, he left me and the kids to find his path. I’m trying to stand and be a warrior. I’m scared, lonely, and sometimes I wonder if I even want him back. Is this normal?

I’m probably not the right person to ask what’s normal or not, and I’m not sure you’re in a situation that even has a “norm”, but all you can do is try to stand and be a warrior. And truthfully, sometimes warriors break down. I’m sorry things are so muddled. I’m sorry you’re having to answer as your kids cry and ask for Daddy. I’m sorry you are fighting the temptation to say what he truly is in light of your kids’ love for him. I’m sorry you’re having to hate him and love him at the same time. I think all warriors are scared and lonely – I know my mother was. I don’t know why these things happen, but I’ll be praying for you, your kids, and honestly, your husband. I see and hear in my father today his regret about taking that trip and finding that path thirty years ago. You do your best by God, you, and those beautiful children and you will not wake up with those regrets one day. <3

Everything you are feeling is totally normal in that there is no normal. The best you can do is take care of yourself (mentally, physically, emotionally) and your children right now. I have gone through a similar situation and thought my marriage was over. It has taken a tremendous amount of work, communication and honesty (both internal and external) on both our parts to realize our marriage wasn’t over and we are both still committed to each other and our family. This is by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through. And as Glennon describes, it did require a type of death of our old relationship. But something new has been created and it is something worth fighting for. It is a roller coaster of emotions. Please know you are not alone.

Thank you Glennon, After reading your story on your marriage I took the “next step” which is all I can handle at this time, and all that I know for now. After 10 years of lies and betrayal I asked him to move out, to work on himself, to please find himself to save our marriage. It has only been 3 weeks, so I do not know what the end is, but I know what “this step” is. Thank you.

I too am in Friday, standing at the fork in the path – divorce or reconciliation. I have stood here for more than 15 years, because of my children, because of their father’s love for them, because I did not want to be the one to destroy the family. But I cannot stand here a moment longer, and I don’t know where to take my first step. We have tried counseling to no avail – the pattern remains, the walls remain. How to take a step and onto which path…i have no hope for true reconciliation, for a real marriage, a true partnership. Pray for the strength to speak my truth, to say the hard things, to be honest with him and myself instead of hiding in the silence.

I am praying for you. My best friend’s current situation could be stated just like you stated yours, and my heart is heavy for you. It’s such a hard path, and there don’t seem to be any good or “right” choices. Glennon’s got the key: Nothing—neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate you from the love of God. Hold on to that and anyone who will remind you of that. Love to you.

For all those who feel guilty that their marriages failed because marriage is supposed to be a sacrament, but due to an abusive spouse, you had to leave — remember that a sacrament is supposed to be something that reveals to us the immense love that our Easter God has for us — and if there has been abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual . . . . . ) then the sacrament has already been broken. Marriages are not worth saving when the sacrament has been so irrevocably broken — because by then, the marriage is gone — but yes, people are always worth saving — which is what today (Good Friday) and tomorrow (Holy Saturday) and Easter Sunday are all about.

Love and blessings to all who make this painful journey through crucifixion towards resurrection — may God’s peace support and enfold you this day and in all the days ahead.

Beautiful post. I will pray that your marriage makes it to Sunday, because God DID come to save marriages; after all marriage is a visual of the church and Christ. Surely, He can work all things for good, and redeem all things, if your spouse abandons you. If, however, you have two paths before you then He IS asking you to honor your vows and trust Hum.

Your writing touches my soul. My 91 year old Busia read your book and was sad when it ended because she felt like she was chatting with an interesting, honest, flawed, amazing, old friend. I would read your To Do list on a napkin. Thank you for opening your heart and writing from your cloffice.

Glennon, this post just makes me sob and sob….uncontrollably. I so wanted my husband to come for my heart…I so wanted to make this marriage work and not be a failure……..I heard the unthinkable…..not only the affairs and the long painful wall of lies….but the addiction and the darkness that shattered our world into tiny bits…..everything gone in a day…a tidal wave of discovery. My heart longed for reconciliation….restoration….redemption…….all my fears welling up to overtake my heart. But I am thankful….thankful for voices like yours that are willing to say that God didn’t come to redeem marriages but the people in them. I had to walk away……..there was no healing story left….there would have been only more darkness together. I had to allow God to have him…allow God to work on us separately….allow God to heal us even as our marriage has been irrevocably broken in its marriage vows. My heart still aches so much….the pain and the sitting waiting for resurrection this Saturday is unlike the others. He is getting out of prison in two days….Easter Sunday. How poetic is our God! I sit and wait for the redemption to come…knowing that life in Christ is so much more beautiful than anything I could dream up…even though it doesn’t look like all that yet…..what beauty……what freedom….knowing that whichever path He leads us down is for our good….for our healing….for our redemption and He is always there. Blessings! (mybeautifullybrokenlife)

I was introduced to you, Glennon, through a neighbor after my betrayal. I was blamed for it all – for all 18 years. Your book was wonderful and I can relate to your story. I’ve always lived in a shroud. He’s back, but I am so scared, so nervous, don’t want to rock the boat. I was an insecure, broken, sad person before. I lost family members who sided with him, I lost friends who are upset that I took him back. Those were the only friends I had. I can’t fix both me, and the relationship. How do you deal with the thoughts in your head, daily, that remind you of the betrayal? It eats away at me.

I believe to be at peace with myself…until I crack open one of your personally revealing works and find myself literally laughing out loud and pouring tears within the same second. “Deciding not to make decisions” lasted a long time before my marriage crumbled into the soil and my tears reveal the truth that even though I trust this path is healthier, I still feel separate from God because I “failed”. I’m fighting my perfection demons and still working on not projecting expectations of perfection from God. Thank you for allowing yourself to be used so completely as a conduit of His loving spirit

This is my life right now. I found out my husband was cheating on Sunday night. He is an addict who I have walked beside along is recovery for the past year and a half and this was his current lapse and also using again. Where do you go from here? I want to see him recover and his healing becuase I know who he was and the amazing person he can be, but I can not watch the destruction anymore. I need to heal. How do you know when it’s enough?
Ps you witnessed my letter. I watched your Ted talk as I drove my husband to rehab. Thank you for who you are and what you bring to my life. I need your words every second.

Dear Confused,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel I can speak to your pain because I’m an addict in recovery and I have been with an addict who relapsed. I understand how hard it is to separate the addiction from the person and to even see the addiction as a disease. As Glennon says, you don’t have to do this alone. I have found a lot of relief and support in the rooms of Alanon. I hope there are lots of meetings in your area because sometimes the first couple are not the right fit, but you can find a group that speaks to you and I hope you do. This, too, shall pass.

I am actually going through the same thing. My husband and I have seperated as of Monday as a result of his addictions and relapses (4 years) and then infedility not too long ago. I just wanted to let you know you are not wlone. I am meditating on God’s word and seeking His will but I certainly understand completely the pain. May God bring you the clarity you need as well.

Your words are a gift to so many, and this post is no exception. Bless you for sharing your story, but for the affirmation that no matter which way things end up, we are still loved…still saved. My first marriage ended nearly a decade ago, and I was angrily told that I was offending God. That divorce was a “slap in the face” to the Lord. I was shattered, yet (still loving God) I proceeded…hoping He could forgive me. In retrospect, He was always with me, never turning away and carrying me through my lowest point. And ultimately? He delivered me to a new marriage full of so many good and positive things…so much love. And, as you well know, LOVE WINS. ALWAYS.

I am always amazed at how God gives us just what we need, just when we need it. I desperately needed this today. Friday is such a lonely place. Thanks so much for reminding me that I am not alone! It means more than you know.

You got your annuals and perennials backwards, nerd, but I so needed this message anyway. I’ve been living a really long Friday, waiting for my relationship to save itself and heal. But you’re right, it’s me who needs to be saved and healed, and also him. Separately, and then hopefully together.

I love how honest and open and real you are, gah!! And also strong. And faithful! And funny. You remind me of myself in a few years, if I’m lucky.

That’s beside the point. They deserve some amount of privacy and she has told us enough to make the story true and meaningful. It doesn’t matter what the news was, just that it felt like an ending . . . Which turned out to be a dry painful beginning. This is the best news ever.

I’ve been in Saturday for a while…. a long while. Others will tell you different..have a new career, had a nice fella for a while, I kept up exercise and eating right, live in a nice place, my kids are awesome. It looks good but I’m doing a lot of waiting. But I do believe in the Triduum. Easter will come, just not as fast as I want. It’s ok. Happy Easter, G.

Oh. My. Goodness. I REALLY needed to read this today… I received the news almost 3 years ago… We have been wading through. Last night, my husband got arrested for talking to his betrayal. I am in a deep deep Friday right now. I don’t know where to turn other than to My God. The irony that the betrayal came on Maundy Thursday is not lost on me… I covet your prayers.

I got The News on Maundy Thursday of 2007. We saw many counselors, all trying to save the marriage, at the cost of the people in the marriage. At first, I bought it. My life was destroyed and I just wanted to put it back together, whatever it took. But then I realized the problem with that. You can heal the marriage until you heal the people. You’re so right, Glennon. So, so right. Our marriage didn’t make it. This is the first Easter I’ve been able to feel redemption instead of failure, pain, sadness and anger. Thank you for these words, my friend. You’ll just never know how much they’re ministering to me right now.