Penn Satire, Since 1899

I’m sorry, but having seen The Wire, I must interrupt

by Punch Bowl senior, Evan Spiller

I’m sorry. Excuse me. But I must inform you of your ignorance on urban issues.Yes. I apologize for interrupting. But, given my background, I have to say that you are wholly unaware when you speak of crime and poverty.What is my background, you ask? Did I grow up in a bad neighborhood? No. I did not. Am I a professor of urban studies? No, I am not. But, in a harrowing six month span, I did watch all five seasons of The Wire. Twice. And, given my expertise, I must say that your opinions on city penury are filth.

To you, this is just abstract. You are a parasite who leeches off the violence and despair of cities. Have you ever actually known a fourteen-year old boy who grew up in a broken ghetto family? Have you ever, you maggot, met what could only laughingly be called his ‘support structure?’ Have you ever, you human-formed rat, sat helplessly as he reached out, desperately, for aid from violent gang members who, in turn, forced him to commit murder? Well, me neither. But that’s exactly what happened to Michael in season four. And, if you haven’t seen the show, you have no reason to be speaking.

And, now, you blame police officers, instead. I’ll overlook your about-face, and explain why you are incorrect. Yes, I understand some are corrupt. Yes, I understand police brutality is common. As I told you, I’ve seen The Wire. But these are good working men and women we’re talking about for the most part. You try living with that inhuman bureaucracy. You try dealing with an organization bossed by crooked politicians.

These problems are not personal! They are institutional! And how dare you fault the men and women who protect us?!

Why am I taking this personally? No, my parents are not on the force. No, I do not have officers in my family. Yes, I did meet a cop once after my tires popped on the highway. And, I also watched The Wire. Bunk, Carver, Greggs, and Daniels did their best. And you don’t know their struggle. So shut your mouth, you classist dirtbag.

What’s that coming out of your mouth? More filth?

Oh. You grew up in the Kensington section of North Philadelphia? So, obviously, you know what I’ve been talking about.

We have a lot in common, in fact, me having watched The Wire and you having grown up in a violent urban neighborhood. We should hang out sometime. I have a feeling we’ll relate wonderfully.

Wait, What?! What did you just say about border violence and the meth trade? I’m sorry. But have you even seen Breaking Bad?