Saturday, August 9, 2014

Marital and Relationship Happiness--Keys To Success

Let's be honest, relationships are hard work. They demand a lot from us and the quality of our relationships greatly predicts our degree of happiness in life. So working on cultivating and sustaining healthy relationships is VERY important for us to do. However, the majority of relationships do not last. Current divorce statistics report 45-50% of marriages end in divorce with second and third marriages having even higher divorce rates.

Nourishing a relationship requires us to be thoughtful, caring, compassionate, loving and also mindful of how our behaviors and expressions impact the other person. Conflicts are bound to happen at some point during any relationship; there will be tough times when one or both individuals feel hurt, frustrated, angry, or let down by the other. Social scientists have found that how couples navigate the tough times and just as importantly the good times is a major predictor of relationship success. Kindness was found to be the biggest factor associated with fulfilling relationships. Not only is kindness important in the couple's day to day interactions but also when couples argue. Kindness during periods of conflict is determined by the couples ability to express their anger, upset and frustration without personal attacks. Kindness not only improves the quality of our relationships it also improves our own emotional well being. When we feel better about ourselves our relationships reap the benefits. And an environment of kindness naturally fosters feelings of emotional security and safety; essential ingredients for a successful relationship.

Not surprisingly, personal criticism of each other was most associated with unhappy relationships. Personal attacks can have lasting and devastating consequences on a relationship and it leads to feelings of contempt and resentment. Learning to be kind to each other and being mindful of our partner's feelings is the foundation needed for building strong, healthy relationships.

Below are tips for cultivating kindness in your relationship:

1. Compliment your partner.

On a daily basis tell your partner something you liked that he or she did either that day or did recently. Research shows that when couples regularly express their gratitude to each other they remind themselves of their partner's good qualities and what attracted them to each other in the first place. Complimenting your partner on a daily basis provides a healthy dose of sparkle and helps keep a couple together over the long haul.

2. Learn to compromise.

Couples that are able to compromise have a better of chance of staying together and be happier in their relationships. Just to be clear, there is a big difference between compromise and sacrifice; which means means giving up something completely for the sake of your partner. Sacrificing creates contention and resentment. Compromise, on the other hand, requires an understanding of your partner's ideas, opinions, and knowing what is important to him or her and why. This information is helpful for negotiating compromises with our partner. It prevents us from feeling "pushed" or "controlled", the type of feelings that often inhibit productive compromises and lead to power struggles instead.

3. Remember no one is perfect.

No one is perfect or good at everything they do. We all make mistakes and bound to hurt and/or disappoint our partner at one time or another. Accepting this reality helps us to have the capacity to forgive and to resolve conflicts when they arise rather then harbor contempt and resentment, only to be brought up at a later time.

4. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Although the idea of our partner being someone who "fully gets us" sounds ideal, no one can actually read our minds. Learning to communicate by actively listening to your partner and using "I" statements, especially when discussing emotional topics, feelings and expectations, fosters an environment of mutual understanding and respect. When we feel understood by our partner, even when they disagree with us, genuine feelings of connection and caring are felt. All of which decreases the chances for couples to have emotionally damaging arguments.

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Finding hope is the first step

Dr. Paula Durlofsky is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania. She is dedicated to the pursuit of promoting and cultivating hope. In her practice, Dr. Durlofsky encourages people to examine the particular thoughts, feelings and behaviors that hold them back from reaching their full potential in living a life with passion and purpose.

Dr. Durlofsky’s areas of expertise include depression, anxiety, personality disorders, relational issues, grief and bereavement and issues affecting women throughout the life span. She has a special interest in the relationship between social media and psychological well-being and helps people strike a healthy balance between their virtual and real-time lives.

Dr. Durlofsky’s writings have been featured in Teen Vogue, Marie Claire, PsychCentral, Mainline Today, Mainline Health, Exceptional Parenting Magazine, and ABC 10-KXTV. She has a PhD in Psychology, an M.A. in Counseling Psychology and an advanced certificate in Psychoanalytical Psychotherapy. Dr. Durlofsky is also an avid lover of the arts and is active in the arts community. She has a BFA from the University of The Arts.

Aside from her life’s work, she enjoys being a mom of two daughters, spending time with her husband, hanging out with her girlfriends, reading classic novels and running.