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June 11, 2016

Again, I don't know if I like the idea of writing about *~*~life~*~* so much - it feels too much like a diary, which I prefer to keep private. I daydream about having a practical niche blog with useful, relevant posts, but maybe that's getting ahead of myself, considering I have no expertise in anything that anyone cares about. :-) For now I'll keep up my writing flow by just writing what's going on, and seeking that elusive pattern I claim that my life lacks.

I'm still working at the library. I'm taking on some of the graphic design duties, along with my tasks of writing on the sandwich board and keeping the YA section bulletin board and displays updated. I think I might be moving away from considering librarianship as a career, but I love my part-time job here.

Yes, I am again reconsidering my college options. My mind changes twenty times a day. I graduated with my associate's degree this past winter, took a semester off, and am now moving onto a new school to finish a bachelor's degree. I was initially very anxious about this - different school, new people, an hour-long commute, no idea what major to choose, trying to balance a class schedule with my work schedule, wondering about financial aid - but God is answering prayers left and right for me as far as this transfer process is going! It seeeeeems like this fall will really work out.

Sometimes I just wish God would put something on my heart, a clear direction that I know for sure is what I should do - something I'm passionate about, and that other people would be like "Oh hey that actually sounds like a well-thought out plan," and that would really put me somewhere I can be used. But no, instead I'm taking very tiny steps in no particular direction. I am trying not to compare myself to others in this area. Hopefully this meaningless cycle all makes sense one day.

ANYWAY I know this is intensely uninteresting. Thanks for listening. Peace out.

June 6, 2016

If I could find a way to turn this blog into something with a clear purpose, or if I could discover my niche and stick to that, I promise I would. But I've been dabbling for years now and a perceptible pattern has yet to develop. So you get to hear personal junk! You're welcome.

I think a lot about linear progress and whether or not that term applies to my life. Similar to my blog, my life either had a pattern - long ago - and has since lost it, or it has never had a pattern at all, and only vaguely represents a semblance of progression.

When I graduated high school, I truly perceived my life to be moving somewhat linearly. I was checking off the Growing Up To-Do List. Everything looked like it was going in order, and I felt like I was on my way to becoming a Successful Adult. My life seemed to have structure, even a plot, the way all good stories do. But over the fall, a bunch of things quickly began to fall apart one by one, and by the end of 2013, anything I was sure of was suddenly scrambled and turned on its head.

Since then, nothing has fallen into place as easily as it did for the first 18 years of my life. Anxiety that's been kept at bay for a couple of years has come back hard, and birthdays seem to come faster and faster, life continuing on full speed ahead and leaving me in the lurch. I wish I could be like, "Hey, this story has a happy ending! It's just like a movie where everything gets all confused and knotted up in the middle but everything makes sense at the end!" That's not true, though, yet. To use some art terminology, the course of my life has become abstracted, and on the worst days, possibly even non-objective. But order must be coming. Eventually, something has to click into place.

It's hard to trust God when nothing makes sense, but as confused as I am, I do know He has my life in His hands, and that he sees things from a perspective better than mine. For now, I'm just doing life one tiny, tiny step at a time and trying not to go crazy from boredom, loneliness, confusion, anxiety, uselessness, and whatever else. As Anna Duggar said in an interview once, I want to "just do the next right thing. Have the next right response for the next 15 minutes," and stop getting caught up so much in my terrifying perception of how I see the bigger picture right now.