Relationships

Divorce help

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firsttimemommyndaddy wrote:

I need some direction. Married for 7 years have 3 kids : 7,5, Amd 7 months. We've never been real happy. Lots of fighting. Picking etc... my husband is nasty. Used to call me names , but doesn't do that much any more. I'm just to the point I can't take it anymore. I can't even stand to be around him. I hate having sex ( partly could be due to still breastfeeding- I just have no desire to ). This all just makes me sick thinking about it. We both have good jobs a nice house. Both our families live near us and support us a lot. What do I do? Any advice? I don't even have a clue how to bring it up Amd get the process started ( yes we've mentioned getting s divorce b4 but I don't think he would ever think I really would ) when we fight he tells me to leave etc. I don't want to leave though, I want the house. How do Yiu know who gets what etc... I'm worried bc his parents have more money than mine Amd am afraid they will help him get everything, including my kids :( please help

Oh just want to add he's emotionally abusive. So nasty to me. Can be mean to kids too( yell if they don't do something right etc) but he's mostly a great dad and works hard. He's just not nice to me. I am so alone. Idk what to do. Just want to cry all the time. How do I bring this up to my mother too?? She knows how he is so I think she will understand

If you really want to leave, then leave. It doesn't matter who stays in the house while a divorce is pending - the judge will most likely order whoever wants to keep it to pay the other 1/2 of the equity. So you can either get the house now or later.

If he's abusive - leave. If he doesn't treat you well - leave.

Yelling at the children - although not ideal - doesn't make him a bad parent. Leave his mother out of it, because even if she "knows how he is", she isn't going to side with you against him in a divorce (he's not abusive. He's a good father. And she's not going to want to lose her grandchildren). Rely on your own family. Leave his to him. His parents will end up helping him. But he will not take your children from you (barring some bad behavior on your part... Because generally, when we post here, the problem is always 98% the non-posting partner's...).

I have never understood people who say that they've "never been real happy" but then proceeded to bring several other lives into their unhappiness. But that part is done. The children are here. Get out before bringing another soul into it - and get yourself happy. You DESERVE it. It should have happened years ago...

I'm sorry that you're unhappy and that he is mean to you. You deserve to be respected and to be happy.

Divorce can be a long process. I would start by talking to your mom about it. It might help you to talk it over with someone. Tell her that you are seeking her support and not her judgement.

With your husband, I would start by trying to calmly discuss the idea of separating. I would come into this discussion already having a plan in mind that you think would be fair and would best suit the needs of your kids and be ready to defend why it would be the best arrangement for everyone and stress why it would make HIM happy. For example " I think it would be best if you got your own apartment and left me in the house with the kids while we work on getting the divorce finalized because then we wouldn't argue so much and you would be happier..." figure out how and when he would get to see the kids.

Divorce can also make people super bitter because they feel like their spouse is getting off better than they are . Maybe try to assure him that he won't lose out that much financially or that you will try to be fair with him. It is really best if you can both be adults about it and agree to terms amicably. But know that you will both have to make sacrifices.

Divorce, separation and co-parenting are all really hard. I'm sure a lot of others will tell you to try counseling. If there is anything that can save your marriage and get him to treat you better... I don't know. I feel like people don't really change, but I suppose it's possible.

Absolutely talk to your mom and trusted friends (preferably, anyone who's gone through a divorce). The more insight you can get about how your county/state handles the proceedings the better.

Get your ducks lined up. Figure out what you need to live and take care of your kids. Figure out what is in your joint accounts/debts and what lines of credit you have access to (if you don't have any in your name alone - get one). Make sure you're listed on your vehicle... etc. His parents' money might guarantee that he'll have the better lawyer - but the law doesn't (necessarily) cater to the rich. Depending on your state (and who was the primary caretaker), moms still get primary custody in most non-progressive states. Especially with the baby. And I can't imagine the family home not remaining with the primary caregiver - unless you live in a community property state. In which case, you'd at least get half the equity.

Personally? If you are 100% certain that divorce is inevitable, then hire a lawyer first. If you think your husband will fight ugly/dirty - then let your attorney do all the work (communicating). If you think your husband is on the same page as to the death of your marriage - then yes, talk to him. Not in the heat of battle, but out of the blue, in a calm moment. Talk about how you want what's best for your children. How you would like to remain as great parents both. And how you think you should proceed (you don't have to tell him at that moment that you've already hired an attorney. But have your attorney ready to file immediately - just in case the discussion gets ugly. First to petition for temporary custody usually gets it).

As a PP stated (and, as I'm sure you know) - divorces that don't end with a clean break are hard. There will be times you miss what you had. There will be times you are filled with the love that made you marry him in the first place. The fact that you will still have to have weekly contact with him will be trying. And not getting to have your children in your home 24/7 - well, there are no words on how badly it sucks.

But it can also create TWO happy homes for your children. And two successful co-parents who realize that when they don't have to fight to be partners - they can actually tag team their children to the best of their individual/joint abilities. I wish the latter for you. GL

Thank you so much for all your advice. I will def be using this. I'm just so scared of the whole situation I wish I could talk to someone who's been through a divorce. I don't really have any one close that has. Have you experienced this GL? Problem is we're in a small area too so if I talk to one person, I know it'll spread .

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