Emotional Intimacy

Setting: Joe and Ellen’s kitchen on a Sunday morning. They are cleaning up after sharing brunch together.

Ellen: Honey, I’ve been feeling some distance between us lately and I’d like to talk with you about some of my concerns. I think that both of us have gotten caught up in our jobs lately and I’ve been missing you.

Joe: (defensively) Well, I’m right here. If you want to talk, just let me know.

Ellen: It just seems like the content of our conversations focuses on the business of running the household and we don’t have time to connect the way that we used to. I miss those times.

Joe: Well that’s what happens when you get married and have a family, isn’t it? You know, the honeymoon ends and you get on with the work of taking care of business.

Ellen: Just because that happens to a lot of other people doesn’t mean that it has to happen with us. I know that it’s not inevitable that we have to lose the juice that we used to have between us. There’s nothing that’s more important to me than the quality of our connection and I’m not willing to watch things go downhill without doing something about it.

Joe: What do you mean, “go downhill”? Are things that bad between us?

Ellen: They’re not “bad”, they’re just not what I want them to be, what I know they could be. You’re right. Our work and other concerns have pushed everything else, including our relationship into the background and I’ve been noticing that lately I’ve been starting to feel frustrated and disappointed in our lack of contact. I’m not blaming you. I’m as caught up in juggling my life as you are yours. I just want to nip this in the bud so that six months or two years down the road we don’t find ourselves in a train wreck.

Joe: Well you picked a hell of a time to drop this on me. You know that Sunday morning is the only time that I can really relax. I was just getting ready to watch the football game.

Ellen: That’s OK Joe. We don’t have to talk this very minute. I feel better just having spoken to you about how I feel and I’m glad that you also want to make things between us even better than they already are.

Joe: I do.

Ellen: How about if we pick a time in which we can be together without any distractions from the kids or work or the phone or anything else.

Joe: (sarcastically) Sure, when, next year?

Ellen: (returning his sarcasm) I think we might be able to find some time before then.

Joe: Like when?

Ellen: How about Saturday morning. You don’t work on that day and I can skip my aerobics class at the club. That will give us all morning.

Joe: To do what?

Ellen: Whatever we want! That’s the idea, Joe. One of the reasons that it seems that our lives are all work and no fun is because every minute of every day is scheduled for something. The only way that we’re going to be able to bring more quality time into it is to schedule it.

Joe: (Sarcastically) how romantic. Breakfast at 8, lovemaking at 9, shopping at 10.

Ellen: Come on Joe. If the only way that we can be sure of having open time in which nothing else is going to infringe on us is by scheduling it, I’m willing to do it. Otherwise our other responsibilities will just continue to eat up all of our time and energy. Besides we’re not scheduling anything in particular for that time, we’re giving ourselves three or four hours in which we can do whatever we feel like.

Joe: Sounds good. I’m in.

This scenario may have a familiar ring to it, although for many of us, things can easily start to go off track early on in the conversation… like within the first 30 seconds. This conversation was actually about setting up another conversation and creating agreement that both partners were committed to doing that. If it seemed that this interaction went unrealistically smooth, let’s take a look at some of the reasons why it might not have deteriorated into a shouting match.

It should be noted that one of the reasons that things went the way they did was that Ellen consistently spoke in terms of her own experience, and never implicitly or explicitly blamed Joe for her feelings. She took responsibility for coming up with a strategy to interrupt the pattern in which she and Joe were becoming stuck instead of blaming it all on him. At no time did she react to him with anger or hostility. If she had any judgments, she kept them to herself. She was honest and sensitive to Joe, while not walking on eggshells, and she stayed focused on her concerns without pressuring him to accommodate her expectations.

Had Ellen gotten critical or reactive at any point, it’s likely that there would have been a flare-up that could have resulted in an entirely different outcome. The less frustrated and disappointed we feel, the less likely it is that our attempts to create shared emotional closeness will be experienced as criticism by our partner, and consequently, the less likely it will be that they will respond defensively to us. Anything that we can do to promote the feeling of emotional safety will enhance the chances of creating a meaningful connection.

What was at least as important as Ellen’s words was the tone of voice that she used in conveying her concerns. She was serious but not heavy-handed; clear, but not grim; committed but not controlling. Sometimes a couple waits too long to address unfinished business and when one of them expresses their concerns, it comes out sounding angry or blaming because they have been sitting on their feelings for too long. The sooner we address these issues, the less likely it is that our communication will be contaminated by buried resentment that can make a positive outcome of such an encounter unlikely.

Deep intimacy requires a high level of transparency and openness. This involves a degree of vulnerability that can feel uncomfortable or anxiety-producing to many of us. These feelings do, however, tend to diminish and even dissolve over time and with practice.

Couples who engage in this level of connectivity enjoy a sense of being at peace within themselves and with each other. They are willing to share their worst failures and mistakes, their most embarrassing moments, their feelings of inadequacy, their dark shadow side as well as their loftiest dreams, visions and hopes for their lives. They are also likely to more freely express gratitude and appreciation towards each other. All this adds up to a formula for enhanced emotional well-being, and physical health as well. There are, of course, bumps along the road, even in the best of relationships. That’s part of the package. Seeing the bumps as inevitable makes it a lot easier for us to not take things too personally, which makes it easier to communicate non-defensively with each other. And that makes all the difference in the world!

Emotional intimacy is what a man requires from his wife/woman. Unfortunately, it seems like everything I read regarding the matter, it is the man who is lacking and the woman who has unrequited needs of her man. Were it reversed, as it is in my case, I am on my own. This is the bond I need from my wife—the intensely personal intimacy at the emotional level. Physical intimacy is easy for men and very different from what women perceive. The emotional intimacy process is like peeling back the skin of an onion one layer at a time. That I understand. So it can start with conversations exploring each other's feelings that become progressively personal over time and respects each other’s comfort level. It gets intensely personal, intimate and scary. But that is love. Not television or a romance novel. It will not happen, if at all, overnight. It is scary to lay your soul bare to another. Damn Risky. But after being there and experiencing the intense pleasure and pain, nothing else can compare or come close. How can anyone settle for less after experiencing the total fulfillment of loving another? Nothing else, or ever will, comes close. You are even bitterer if you restrict your heart from ever going there again.
The point is your heart knows—whether you like it or not. My heart knew she would hurt me. But it did not stop me from loving her. She would have destroyed me had I married her. But my wife and I have never been able to communicate/Bond the way she and I did. My wife actually told me I was tripping when I tried to initiate conversations about how we felt about each other. I married her still. I believe she interpreted physical intimacy as no different from emotional intimacy. But she was emotionally immature. We were in two different worlds then. And she never understood that her man has emotional needs too. It seems women are conditioned to believe that men have little or no or even trivial emotional needs compared to their spouses. This is very hurtful. We are tasked to provide you all the emotional intimacies you are entitled to while you believe ours are satisfied by fucking. Communication is two-way. And you tear our hearts apart by demanding from your man what you are unwilling to give because you believe men are simple unemotional, unfeeling creatures with simple trivial needs that you met years ago by giving us all the sex we wanted. You know because you can read our minds by looking in our face. All you have is the here-an-now--the Present.
Your Heart always tells you the truth. It is your decision whether or not to listen. It will not lie. But you will lie to yourself--and blame everybody, everything, every circumstance, and every situation--when you choose not to. Guard your heart because it affects everything you do. You control You—how you feel about you. Others can only influence You.

I am willing to risk getting burned again because it is worth it.

L-O-V-E

Two phrases come to mind for me that sums my feelings.

Dance like no one’s watching
Love like you've never been hurt.
I apologize if this reads jumbled. Interpret as you may. But men have a heart you need to touch. If you love him you better go there. He will never be yours if you don’t.

Emotional intimacy is what a man requires from his wife/woman. Unfortunately, it seems like everything I read regarding the matter, it is the man who is lacking and the woman who has unrequited needs of her man. Were it reversed, as it is in my case, I am on my own. This is the bond I need from my wife—the intensely personal intimacy at the emotional level. Physical intimacy is easy for men and very different from what women perceive. The emotional intimacy process is like peeling back the skin of an onion one layer at a time. That I understand. So it can start with conversations exploring each other's feelings that become progressively personal over time and respects each other’s comfort level. It gets intensely personal, intimate and scary. But that is love. Not television or a romance novel. It will not happen, if at all, overnight. It is scary to lay your soul bare to another. Damn Risky. But after being there and experiencing the intense pleasure and pain, nothing else can compare or come close. How can anyone settle for less after experiencing the total fulfillment of loving another? Nothing else, or ever will, comes close. You are even bitterer if you restrict your heart from ever going there again.
The point is your heart knows—whether you like it or not. My heart knew she would hurt me. But it did not stop me from loving her. She would have destroyed me had I married her. But my wife and I have never been able to communicate/Bond the way she and I did. My wife actually told me I was tripping when I tried to initiate conversations about how we felt about each other. I married her still. I believe she interpreted physical intimacy as no different from emotional intimacy. But she was emotionally immature. We were in two different worlds then. And she never understood that her man has emotional needs too. It seems women are conditioned to believe that men have little or no or even trivial emotional needs compared to their spouses. This is very hurtful. We are tasked to provide you all the emotional intimacies you are entitled to while you believe ours are satisfied by fucking. Communication is two-way. And you tear our hearts apart by demanding from your man what you are unwilling to give because you believe men are simple unemotional, unfeeling creatures with simple trivial needs that you met years ago by giving us all the sex we wanted. You know because you can read our minds by looking in our face. All you have is the here-an-now--the Present.
Your Heart always tells you the truth. It is your decision whether or not to listen. It will not lie. But you will lie to yourself--and blame everybody, everything, every circumstance, and every situation--when you choose not to. Guard your heart because it affects everything you do. You control You—how you feel about you. Others can only influence You.

I am willing to risk getting burned again because it is worth it.

L-O-V-E

Two phrases come to mind for me that sums my feelings.

Dance like no one’s watching
Love like you've never been hurt.
I apologize if this reads jumbled. Interpret as you may. But men have a heart you need to touch. If you love him you better go there. He will never be yours if you don’t.

I am glad to hear that you are willing to risk again. An important teacher of mine says, "Relationship is the ultimate danger sport." Men and women both need a great deal of emotional intimacy to thrive.