BEFORE THE STORY
For a long time there was a parallel dimension with humans and instead of animals there was anifals. Anifals are magical creatures with special powers; some can even activate natural disasters. Every time a human is born in the parallel dimension (earth is called seola) an anifal comes and when the human is born their anifal appears to them to keep not feeling lonely and to talk to. So this is about a group of chosen kids who have to save seola and the anifals by fighting with the most deadly creatures ever!

CHAPTER 1
An Introduction
Ruzo was an ordinary 10 year old boy in seola who always wore a black and orange shirt, with a sun on it. Also he always wore a hat that was black and orange with a sun on it, and who anifal is a Pegasus which everyone could see. But his anifal has a symbol in the sun on his body what could it mean? Could he be one of the legendary chosen ones?
Maria is an 8 year old girl who always wore her favorite shirt a pink and yellow one with a moon on it. Just like her brother, Ruzo her anifal is a dragon with a moon symbol on it! She, just like Ruzo was thinking what could this mean.
As Will was sitting in his house watching TV. He was wearing his favorite shirt, a red one with a star on it. With his Lion anifal sitting beside him he was thinking about the symbol of the star on his anifal. Even though he did not know it he was thinking the same thing as Ruzo and Maria.
At the same exact time in Rit the capital of Erneo, the strongest country in seola (Where every one of the people in this chapter lives) Were two sisters Calia and Aura with their favorite shirt. Calia was wearing her yellow shirt with a tulip on it. Aura was wearing her pink one with a rose on it. Their Anifals are Aura’s deer and Calia’s blue jay with a rose on the deer and tulip on the blue jay.
In Zasuo a place in Erneo were two siblings, Knou and Ocui playing outside wearing their favorite shirts. Knou’s Favorite was green with a compass on it. Ocui’s favorite was blue with a wave in it. They were wondering what the symbols on their anifals mean. Knou’s anifal was an owl with a compass on it. Ocui’s was a Seal with a Wave on it.
In the richest part of Erneo, Rictu. There was a rich boy who only cared about power and his family. Zin was his name. He always wore a rich shirt specially made for him that was black and had a fist on it. His Anifal, a Gorilla with a fist on it. He too, was wondering why…..

Wed Jan 02, 2008 11:25 pm

Psyches

Ace Trainer

Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2006 10:48 pmPosts: 359Location: Australia

No matter how many times you say it, or how many different ways you write it, or how many big words, or mysterious phrases, or disclosed structures you use, you cannot make something uninteresting sound interesting.

I don't care if the anifals have the same symbols on them as all their owners favourite shirts. Big fricken deal.

Not only does it make it all a bit silly and unbelievable, but it makes me feel like its some weird ass care bear story.

Instead of an owl with a compass, why not have the owl have the same skills as a compass. Instead of a Gorilla with a fist on it, how about the Gorilla use its fists to fight. You don't need to be quite so... tacky.

And really don't care if they are all wondering the same thing. Personally the only thign I'm wondering is "does he really expect me to remember what each of these kids with weird names has on their shirts?"

If I don't already have a grasp on the characters after the first chapter, i'm likely tog et over it and not read anymore. I don't want to have to think too much, I like to read an be entertained, not have to concentrate and go back and reread stuff and try to memorize eight kids, thei anifal thingys, their symbol things and where they live and all that crap. I just dopn't care.

MAKE ME CARE.

IF IT'S NOT BORING, I'LL PROBABLY CARE.

_________________"If I'm flying solo at least I'm flying free,"

www.youtube.com/ThePlastikOne

www.youtube.com/PsychesEntertainment

Thu Jan 03, 2008 5:21 am

Rikee

Psychic Trainer

Joined: Wed Jul 25, 2007 5:07 pmPosts: 52

crittizize me . but don't swear at me ok.
Following i will redo maybe change anifals the whole thing,ok

Thu Jan 03, 2008 12:34 pm

The Obsidian Wolf

Pokemon Master

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 amPosts: 1559Location: Dragon's Den

Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with everything Psyches said, and more:

Quote:

For a long time there was a parallel dimension with humans and instead of animals there was anifals. Anifals are magical creatures with special powers; some can even activate natural disasters. Every time a human is born in the parallel dimension (earth is called seola) an anifal comes and when the human is born their anifal appears to them to keep not feeling lonely and to talk to. So this is about a group of chosen kids who have to save seola and the anifals by fighting with the most deadly creatures ever!

I would bet any amount of money that you have recently watched the Golden Compass (or Northern Lights as it should have been named.) The whole prologue thing is rather like the voice that speaks at the beginning, and the whole concept is identical (having animals as partners that are part of their soul, and in a different dimension, and how they're their partners when they are born, etc.)

As for the whole symbol thing, while intriguing, you list it all so that no body really cares. What you need to do (and I've learnt this from Crimson) is show us, rather than tell us.

I mean, rather than saying 'Ruzo wears this, has this on his clothes, and has x anifal,' you could have used the first chapter to talk of an incident where they were doing something. I mean, I don't have a clue what sort of power Pegasus has, but you could have had it so that Ruzo was playing in the park or something (Which would allow you to explore his character a bit more) and then there could be some event whereby Ruzo discovers that his sun-symbol has some mystical power. I don't know, he could be kidnapped or something, and the sun symbol could have saved him. And with the amount of characters you have, you could have wrtitten a massive old chunk on just introducing the characters alone.

Also, none of the characters or anifals have a personality. It's all very well and good saying 'I was going to do that later on,' but you need to have something right now in order to catch the readers attention, and personality-less charries do not attract readers.

I mean, you have a great idea with the symbols and all, but your writing style and concept is just a bit lacking. Why don't you just drop the whole 'anifals born with them at birth' thing, and make these kids special. So, everyone on this Seola planet doesn't have an anifal, but these symbols mean that these eight kids do. Get my drift?

Anyway, keep it up, I want to see your writing skill blossom, because I know that you have the potential within you to do well. Listen to our criticism, but don't beat yourself up over it; without criticism, we can never develop. If that's not already a famous saying, I'll patent it so that I can be famous.

I noticed you switching from the present and past tenses. Choose one and stick with it.

Many sentences just seemed akward, and you should consider changing them. I also noted grammar errors. Here's what I'll do. I'll go through the first paragraph, giving ways to improve them(Some of the sentences seem akward). I will highlight grammatical errors as well.

Quote:

Ruzo was an ordinary 10 year old boy in Seola who always wore a black and orange shirt*no comma here* with a sun on it. He also always wore a hat that was black and orange with a sun on it. His anifal was a Pegasus, as everyone could see.

Do you really have to say that he lives on Seola? It's like saying in a book about normal people that they live on Earth.

Quote:

Ruzo was an ordinary 10 year who always wore a black and orange shirt with the image of a sun on it, as well as a hat with the same color scheme and image. Beside him at all times was his anifal, a Pegasus.

Quote:

But his anifal had a symbol in the sun on his body. What could it mean? Could he be one of the legendary chosen ones?

"But" is not a good word for the narrator to use. The narrator also shouldn't ask questions unless you're using third person objective point of view. That basically means that the narrator is like another charactor who flies around, unnoticed, telling you what's happening. But flying stalkers can't invade people's minds, so you can't talk about what characters are thinking, as you have. Consider:

Quote:

However, this anifal had an image of the sun on its body, similar to the image on Ruzo's shirt.
"What could that symbol mean?" Ruzo thought "Could I be one of the legendary chosen ones?"

Apply similar ideas to the other chapters, and this chapter will iinstantly be improved.

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