Manly, Much?!

Okay, so early today I stumbled across a link from ‘Popular Mechanics’ listing the 100 essential skills any competent man should have. Well, because I felt moderately…um…emasculated upon initially reading the list, I figured the only way to really find my place on the Manliness Meter would be to go through, skill-by-skill and determine whether or not it’s a skill that I possess. So here we go friends…

Automotive

1. Handle a blowout

– Sure, that one’s not too hard.

2. Drive in snow

– Hell yes, Iowa-represent! Maybe this won’t be so bad.

3. Check trouble codes

– No…

4. Replace fan belt

– No, again.

5. Wax a car

– Maybe?!

6. Conquer an off-road obstacle

– Like a bear?! Because I was not informed that bears would be involved in this line of questioning!!

7. Use a stick welder

– I don’t swing that way.

8. Hitch up a trailer

– Sure, why not.

9. Jump-start a car

– Been there done that!

Man-Score:3 ½ out of 9

Emergencies

10. Perform the Heimlich

– I think so.

11. Reverse hypothermia

– As opposed to forward hypothermia?

12. Perform hands-only CPR

– Meaning no make-out session?!

13. Escape a sinking car

– Wha…at?!

Man-Score: ¾ out of 4.

Home

14. Carve a turkey

– I can eat it like a champ! That should count for something.

15. Use a sewing machine

– If it’s all threaded and stuff, sure.

16. Put out a fire

– Hell yes, an easy one!

17. Home-brew beer

– Damn…no. That’s a cool one too!!

18. Remove bloodstains from fabric

– If I’ve got clothes with blood stains, there’s a good chance I’m going to get around to disposing of those things before anyone starts asking questions!

45. Help a seizure victim
– Stand back and call an ambulance. Oh and make sure they don’t hit their head and they don’t swallow their tongue. But don’t try to hold them or make them stop moving! BAM!

46. Treat a snakebite

– I know the correct answer is to like tie off the bitten area to keep the poison from spreading and then suck it out, but honestly, it’s going to depend on how well I know the person…otherwise ‘call an ambulance’ might suffice.

47. Remove a tick
– I think you’re supposed to either freeze them or burn them. Not totally sure.

Man-Score: 2 ½ out of 5

Military Know-How

48. Shine shoes
– Go to an airport. Fork over $15.

49. Make a drum-tight bed
– What? I couldn’t make a tambourine-tight bed if my life depended on it, let alone a drum-tight one…Jebus!

50. Drop and give the perfect pushup
– If by perfect you mean bitching and moaning whilst keeping my ass four feet in the air and touching my face to the ground like some sort of newly-born calf, then sure…I can do that.

Man-Score: 0 out of 3

Outdoors

51. Run rapids in a canoe
– Pffffffft….

52. Hang food in the wild
– Rope + Cooler + Tree = Problem Solved

53. Skipper a boat
– TeeHee…like Gilligan’s Island!!

54. Shoot straight
– Handgun, sure. Rifle, whatevs…

55. Tackle steep drops on a mountain bike
– If by ‘tackle’ they mean roll end-over-end down the side of a mountain until my demise, then sure…

56. Escape a rip current
– Stay out of the water. Damn, I’m a real outdoorsman!

Man-Score: 2 out of 6

Survival

57. Build a fire in the wilderness
– Without some sort of fire-starting device?! Fat-chance!

58. Build a shelter
– Nope…I knew I should have read “The Hatchet” another time!!

59. Find potable water
– Do you guys mean potato water? Oh wait…that doesn’t make any sense either. I guess no. Son of a bitch. I just went 0-for-Survival!!!!

Man-Score: 0 out of 3 (aka: death)

Surviving Extremes

60. Floods
– Get a boat. Stay on a roof. Don’t go in the water. Nah, dead.

61. Tornados

-Yes! Thank you Midwest! Go the basement, stay away from windows and doors. Keep flashlights, some water and food around. If you can, open some windows so that the pressure doesn’t make your house implode.

62. Cold
– Stay inside and turn the heat-up.

63. Heat
-Get a fan or find a friend who has A/C…idiots.

64. Lightning
-Again…hang out inside. Duh!

Man-Score: 2 ½ out of 5

Teach Your Kids

65. Cast a line
– Fishing blows anyway. No child of mine or any child I’ve abducted from a busy mall will ever learn to fish from me!!

66. Lend a hand
– Help people? Seriously. Like will the kid be brain-dead…does it really need me to show it how to help people?! Either way this one’s a big-fat yes.

67. Change a tire
-Yeppers…

68. Throw a spiral
– Occasionally…I’m more of a receiver than a quarterback and when I am chucking the ball, I prefer to run short routes over the top and in the flats to keep the defense off their game.

69. Fly a stunt kite
– Stunt kite? Shit, I can’t make the most basic of kites stay in the air for more than 8 seconds at a time.

70. Drive a stick shift
– A lil bit. I could give it a go, but it’s been quite a while and I’m pretty sure I’d burn out the transmission in like 10 minutes or less.

72. Tie a bowline
– A what?! Like a bow for a present? They just have a little sticky thing on them that you peel off and then smash it down onto the box. Silly ‘Popular Mechanics’…you guys have so much to learn.

73. Tie a necktie
– If I am staring at a detailed drawing that illustrates the process in as few simple steps as possible…then sure. Without the drawing…not so much.

74. Whittle
– You mean do I know how to push a knife against a piece of wood. I have a college education…so I think I can figure it out.

75. Ride a bike
– Seriously?! Rid a bike makes the list?! Did you guys just run out of ideas or what?! Is ‘walk’ going to be in there somewhere? How’s about ‘talk’ or ‘eat’ or ‘poo’…come on.

Man-Score: 6 ½ out of 11

Technology

76. Install a graphics card
– Not even a little bit.

77. Take the perfect portrait
– Pay someone to do it?

78. Calibrate HDTV settings
-I’ve got basic cable and up until it died I had a TV from Goodwill…I think not.

79. Shoot a home movie
– Is this a porn question?

80. Ditch your hard drive
– Destroy with hammer. Scatter various pieces amongst the four corners of the earth.

Man-Score: 0 out of 5

Master These Key Workshop Tools

81. Drill driver
– Yes, I can rock a drill!!

82. Grease gun
– Squeeze trigger, goo comes out. Done and done.

83. Coolant hydrometer
– Not even gonna pretend I know what the hell they’re talking about.

84. Socket wrench
– The fact that I had to Google ‘socket wrench’ makes me think I should go with no, but I do know how to use one…just couldn’t picture it? Half-credit me thinks!

85. Test light
– As opposed to real light?

86. Brick trowel
– Honestly, I can’t even think of anything witty for this one. *sigh*

87. Framing hammer
– I can only assume this is a bloody, yet fingerprint-free hammer you would place in someone’s house after you’ve bludgeoned a co-worker to death with it?!

88. Wood chisel
– Chisel. Simple. Done.

89. Spade bit
– Let’s be honest, a Spade bit just isn’t the same without a Farley bit right alongside it.

96. Sand blaster
– Whatevs, I don’t need you to throw me a bone. Tools are overrated anyway. But seriously…if you’d ask about a ‘hammer’ or perhaps a ‘phillips head screwdriver’ I wouldn’t complain.

97. Crosscut saw
– All this does is make me think of how sick I am of all the ‘Saw’ movies…

98. Hand plane
-Without going to flight school…I think not!

99. Multimeter
-No, no…I hate the metric system.

100. Feeler gauges

-TeeHee…that sound dirty!

Man-Score: 5 ½ out of 20

Total Man-Score on the Manliness Meter: 35 ¾ out of 100

Well folks. I honestly don’t know what to say. I mean, logically I could ramble on about how I’m shocked and appalled and demand a recount, but let’s be real, a recount would probably take away some of the very iffy yes answers I gave and kill my score even more.

I suppose I should feel ashamed or something, but let’s be honest here, I work in a library. Working in a library requires like half-a-dozen of these skills—at best—and I’m pretty sure I had at least half of those!!

So fear not friends, despite my unfathomably low rating on the ole Manliness Meter I think I’m going to be okay. I mean, obviously I’m never going near a garage or workshop of any kind. And I don’t believe I’ll be planning any excursions to large, desolate wooded areas any time soon, but I’ll carry on, and do the best I can as a 35% male.