What Would Don Do? Paris Edition: A Mad–Men Minded Guide to Episode Two of Pan Am

This week, the girls of Pan Amgo to Paris. Oh, to be a wide-eyedstewardess! To wake up in New York City, then gallop down the Champs-Élysées come sundown. The romance! The possibilities! The unconvincing C.G.I.!

In many ways the shoddy ambiance in episode two of ABC’s flighty new series is a metaphor for the letdown into which Pan Am is quickly devolving. We were promised a Parisian wonderland and instead given a sophisticated staircase and some old buildings. Such is the tragedy of primetime TV.

Last night’s Pan Am episode continued to cling just a little too tight to Mad Men’s signature formula. In less than an hour we got three—count ‘em—threeflashbacks, some PG13 cockpit boys’ talk, and a bit of good old-fashioned sexual assault. All that, but no hook-ups! According to Pan Am, real women’s empowerment comes in the form of being an undercover spy, “seeing the world,” and talking back to the mean lady who weighs you at work. Consensual sex, apparently, is for the 70s.

One thing is sure: Mr. Don Draper would never waste an opportunity to let loose in la ville-lumière. So let’s revisit a few moment’s of last night’s Pan Amepisode with an eye for how our favorite ad man might’ve handled things. Once again, it’s time to play: What Would Don Do?Colette’s taxi breaks down on the way to the airport, and her attractive co-worker picks her up in a convertible.

OnPan Am: In a flirty deal, Colette promises to be extra attentive to her co-worker on their flight in exchange for a ride. (Extra attentive? Really?) She also convinces him to let her drive the car—despite the fact that she doesn’t have a license. Female liberation? Or irresponsible driving? You decide.

Laura and Kate’s controlling mother is a passenger on their flight to Paris.WWDD?Don has no mother. He would reflect on this fact for the next seven hours of the flight over several glasses of scotch. Uncontrollable flashbacks would ensue.

OnPan Am: Laura at first avoids visiting her mom in fear that she’ll berate her about being a runaway bride. But she stops by her seat anyway and then they make up. Because closure is the new discontent.

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*Laura’s ex-fiancé surprises her in France to rekindle their romance.

WWDD?Breakup sex would be imminent. Commitment, not so much. Six months later Don would read Frank O’ Hara’s 1957 book Meditations in an Emergency, ponder his past relationships, then mail his ex a book with anote that reads, “Thought of you.”

OnPan Am: Laura says: “You need to let me go.” Her misty-eyed fiancé nods and they hug it out. At his exit we are left wondering: Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just call her?After Bridget’s secret identity as an undercover spy is compromised, she’s ordered to adopt a new identity and disappear.

WWDD?Secret identities? Why, that’s Don’s specialty! He would embrace the opportunity to start over, find his pre-packed emergency abandonment briefcase (containing those damn old pictures and a Purple Heart), and get on a plane to his new hometown—no questions asked.

OnPan Am: Bridget is totally bummed that she has to leave that cute blond pilot behind and become “Elizabeth Reese of Kansas City, Missouri.” Life’s a drag when you’re a super-secret spy.

For VF.com’s recaps of previous episodes ofPan Am and more rounds ofWhat Would Don Do?read here.