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Working through miscarriage emotions

Earlier this year I received a wonderful pregnancy announcement from a friend who had been trying to conceive for many years. Sadly, her excitement turned to sadness and grief when she miscarried early on in her pregnancy.

So I wrote to my mother-in-law to ask for suggestions on how I could support my friend. My mother-in-law works with post abortive women, and there are some similarities in the loss of a child through miscarriage and the loss through abortion. Both women experience the loss of a child which can have a great emotional impact on them.

I'd like to share with you some ways you can work through your own miscarriage or how you can support a friend.

Miscarriage can is very devastating to many mums and they do grieve, often for a year or so, and usually silently. Often times they have no support. If you know someone who has had a recent miscarriage, it's important to acknowledge the loss, and coming by her side in her grief is always supportive.

You can send a note or card and let her know you care and are praying for her. Encourage her to grieve by letting her know that there are books to read on miscarriage loss. "Tear Soup," and "I'll Hold You in Heaven" are two good ones.

You may also want to suggest that she might want to do a small memorial of some kind and name her baby. All of these can be helpful for her to do over a period of a few months. It is alway healthy to grieve our losses and can help with future conception attempts.

Sometimes women who miscarry have guilt and anger to work through before they can do the naming and letting go. Anger over the miscarriage and guilt that maybe they did something to cause it without knowing it. Confusion over not understanding why they lost the baby and there can even be anger toward God.

"Heaven is for Real" might be a good book to read also, probably a little down the road, after she has named her baby. You might also encourage her to write a journal of her thoughts and feelings. Just a few sentences each day for a while.

i have had 5 m/c between 8wks & 16wks. I am someone who "soldiers on", but each time I felt an incredible emptiness particularly after the ones where I had a currette. i was very frustrated as i already had perfectly healthy pregnancies & children & could'nt understand what had gone wrong.
The thing i did hate was when people told me that i'd "be alright because at least i already had children." How is that supposed to make me feel better...am i greedy to want more children?
I preferred to have my losses acknowledged with a "sorry" or a hug & let it go at that. Whether for better or worse life goes on & we must move with it. My lost angels will never be forgotten but I have living ones that need me more.

Thank you for this post Kate. I believe miscarriages should be talked about more as they are sadly very common but many women and their partners suffer through their grief in silence. This helpful article expresses my sentiments when it discusses coping with the loss after a miscarriage:

'It has been said that whilst the loss of an adult represents the loss of the past, the loss of a baby represents the loss of a future. It is not just memories that cause grief but lost hopes and dreams can also have a huge impact.'

I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and it changed my dreams forever. I had always looked forward to: getting pregnant, announcing my pregnancy to friends and family, even the labour itself and of course getting to know my first child. I will never forget (nor do I want to) our first baby whom we never met.

Whilst the whole event was one of the most upsetting times of my life I was also surrounded my friends and family who I knew were there for me and praying for my family. We dedicated a plant to the baby we lost and this was important for me. My advice to anyone who has recently gone through a miscarriage is to keep talking through the grief and hurt and to let those who love and support you help whenever possible.

I agree with ljmarsden - Kate your post is wonderful. Gerri people do say the most inappropriate things. I think this stems from their own discomfort and perhaps not knowing what to say. Often they just don't think about what they are saying and how it may make you feel. I've recently read a book called The Sound of Silence Journeys Through Miscarriage and I wrote a book review.This book talks about what many women do not the experience of having a miscarriage both while it is occurring and afterwards.