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Being or nothingness

The story begins with the Fisher King has been wounded and all the animals and plants in the kingdom and those surrounding it mourning and weeping. Then, a boy who is of so little consequence that he has no name, but called Parsifal comes. Parsifal, as a fool, will redeem the health of the Fisher King. In Biblical terms, only the innocent can enter the gates of Heaven. Parsifal wants to become a knight so he starts his quest. With several rounds of success, he enters the Fisher King Castle. A godfather has once told Pascifel to ask the question ‘Whom does the Grail serve?’ What would knighthood be worth if it were not for this noble end? However, Parsifal suffers from his mother complex and can not be the independent young man and cannot open his mouth to ask such question.

Parsifal leaves the Castle without the Grail because he forgets to ask such an important question. The young man cannot understand the power of the femininity until he meets Blanche Fleur, and develops a correct relationship with his inner woman.

Parsifal carries on with his heroic quest until one day he is greeted by an old man. This old man is the Hermit, a sage, gives him advice and critiques on his ego. But he also turns gentle and shows him the shortcut to the Grail castle.

This time, Parsifal remembers to ask the right question as his mother complex is resolved. And the Grail serves the Grail King. Rejoicing, the Grail King is now healed and in peace, joy and serenity.

The Mother Complex

There are six basic relaitonships a man bears to the feminine world. All six are useful to him and each has its own nobility. It is only the contamination of one with another that makes difficulty. These difficulties are central to a man’s passage through life. The six feminine elements are as below:

His human mother

The actual woman who was his mother, she with all her idiosyncrasies, individual characteristics, and uniqueness

His mother complex (the interior mother within one’s mind)

This resides entirely inside the man himself. This is his regressive capacity which would like to return to a dependency on his mother and be a child again. This is a man’s wish to fail, his defeatist capacity, his subterranean fascination with death or accident, his demand to be taken care of. This is pure poison in a man’s psychology.

His mother archetype. (the collective idea)

If the mother complex is pure poison, the mother archetype is pure gold. It is the feminine half of God, the cornucopia of the universe, mother nature, the bounty which is freely poured out to us without fail. We could not live for a minute without the bounty of the mother archetype. It is always reliable, nourishing, sustaining.

His fair maiden (your own personalised anima)

This is the feminine component in every man’s psychic structure and is the interior companion or inspirer of his life. It is Blanche Fleur. It is she who gives meaning and colour to one’s life. Dr. Jung calls it the anima.

His wife or partner

The flesh and blood human being who shares his life journey with.

Sophia

This is the Goddess of Wisdom, the feminine half of God, the Shekinah in Jewish mysticism. It comes as a shock to a man to discover that Wisdom is feminine, but all mythologies have portrayed it so.

Achievement and the Ugly Damsel

There is some strange correlation between the achievement of a man and the power of the Hideous Damsel in his life. The greater the height, the greater his capacity for suffering and humiliation seems: the amount of fame and adulation one gets in the outer world seems to determine the sense of failure and meaninglessness he will find at the hands of the Hideous Damsel. One would guess that accomplishment would be the surest protection against meaninglessness, but this is not so. It is the accomplished man who is most capable of asking unanswerable questions about his worth and the meaning of his life.

The Hermit Within

These few people, born hermits (highly introverted souls), must remain in the forest (symbolically speaking) in solitude, storing up energy so that they may serve mankind when their quality is crucial and of the highest value. There are few Red knight victories for these persons and they know little of the laurel leaves of victory. Such people receive very little encouragement or reinforcement these days and they often have a lonely and solitary life to lead. But a day comes when their genius is absolutely necessary to make a transition to another stage of life. But a day comes when their genius is absolutely necessary to make a transition to another stage of life– for themselves or for someone in their environment. Just to know of this validity is a safeguard for such a person. Please be good to your own hermit quality or the born hermit in your circle of friends. If you have a born hermit as a son, don’t push him into Red Knight experiences but let him find his own forest way.

Who does the Grail serve?

I am searching for happiness, which is to say that I want the Grail to serve me. We ask this great cornucopia of nature, this great feminine outpouring of all the material of the world- the air, the sea, the animals, the oil, the forests, and the productivity of the world– we ask that it should serve us. But no sooner is the question asked than the answer comes reverberating through the Grail castle halls–the Grail serves the Grail King.

Translated, this means that life serves what a Christian would call God, Jung calls the Self, or and we call by the many terms we have devised to indicate that which is greater than ourselves.

Another language, less poetic but perhaps easier, is available. Dr. Jung speaks of the life process as being the relocation of the center of gravity of the personality from the ego to the Self. He sees this as the life work of a man and the center of meaning for all human endeavour. When Parsifal learns that he is no longer the center of the universe– not even his own little kingdom–he is free of his alienation and the Grail is no longer barred from him. Though he may come and go from the Grail castle during the rest of his life, now he will never be alien to it again.

One detail in the story is worth special observation: Parsifal need only ask the question; he does not have to answer it. Although it is the duty of the ego to ask a well-formulated question, he is not required to answer it. To ask well is virtually to answer.

Happiness

Rejoicing bursts forth in the Grail castle; the Grail is brought forth, it gives its food to everyone, including the now-healed Fisher King, and there are perfect peace, joy and well-being. Such a dilemma! If you ask the Grail to give you happiness, that demand precludes happiness. But if you serve the Grail and the Grail King properly, you will find what happens and happiness are the same thing. A play on words becomes the definition of enlightenment.

Grail:

Your goals and ambitions, the desires you have. Something eternal and beautiful.

Grail King:

The higher self, or the Self (the Grail King is sad and wounded, and then when Parsifal asked the right question, he rejoiced, and now heal-ed.) When your goals and ambitions align with your higher self, you will find happiness.

Parsifal:

the soul, going through the quest under the flow of the unconscious.

The energy moves from the consciousness to the unconsciousness when one is vulnerable and hurt. He goes through a lot of fights to get to the place where he is called hero, but he loses his Grail because he forgets to ask the question ‘who does the Grail serve?’ His ego blinds him from seeing the answer that is beyond himself. He is saying the Grail serves I. The Grial King remains unhealed. In other words, you remain unhappy. Until one day, Parsifal listens to the heed of the Hermit within and finds the shortcut to the castle. When you listen to your inner voice, the castle is never far away. This time he examines his own shortcomings and stays humble, and asks the question ‘Who does the grail serve?’ Your consciousness only needs to formulate the question, but is not required to answer it. The answer will reveal itself as you trust your own unconsciousness. The answer comes, the grail is here to serve the Grail King. You are here to serve the grail and the Grail King. The higher self that is beyond you and will see your life is to serve something bigger than yourself. The achievements and failures are not personal but just creative spontaneity of the Self.

The ‘Ten Oxherding Pictures” from Zen Buddhism

An identical theme is found in the Ten Oxherding Pictures. This is protraying the steps towards enlightenment. In the first the young hero seraches for the ox–his inner nature; in the second he sees the foot-prints of the ox; in the third he sees the ox. The series proceeds to the ninth picture in which the hero tames the ox, forges a peaceful relationship with it, and sits quietly surveying the scene. The question rises at this point–Behold the streams flowing, whither no-body knows, whither nobody knows; and the flowers vividly red- for whom are they? Author Mokusen Miyuki reflects that these words could be translated literally into “The stream flows on its own accord, and the flower is red on its own accord.” In Taoism it can mean ‘naturalness,’ an occurring of the creative spontaneity of nature, within and without. In other words, 自然 (Tsu-jan), an occurring of the creative spontaneity of nature, as the living reality of self-realization or the creative urge of the Self manifesting itself in nature.

The series of pictures culminates in the tenth when the hero, now perfectly at peace, walks unnoticed through the village streets. There is nothing extraordinary about him now except that all the trees burst into blossom as he passes by.

I look for people who click with me and who are in their lows, try to love them, protect them, treat them well, change their perspective, and made them feel loved and strong.

That’s what I thought I have been doing.

No need to be romantic, just listen closely, to your friends’ fears.

Don’t get scared.

Everyone have their own shit, maybe you have never encountered this type of mess before,remain calm and treat it like something normal to you. Be patient because it’s called a mess for a reason, it comes back again and again,and again and again. They told you because they trust you.

They told you because they thought, maybe you can change their mind.

They told you because they were testing you, whether you can accept their not-so-bright-sides.

Gently pat their heads, think about love,send them some love.

Remember to check on them from time to time, they will feel lonely sometimes, but don’t know they can talk to someone.

Just remind them something they like.

If it’s their birthday, buy them a present.

I keep notes on things they told me they want to have.

Sometimes I tell them my own fears as well, to remind them we are the same to a certain extent.

Sometimes I imagine taking caring of a kitten/puppy when I talk to them, I have to do everything gently, pat it, kiss it, play with it.

And hope, one day, it will grow.

Let’s hope for the best. But even if it doesn’t grow, or if it slips and falls, don’t panic,don’t get frustrated,remember what I told you. Be patient. Love is patient,maybe he or she is not ready for change, but they tried their best, they felt guilty, so don’t get angry to make them feel worse,< calmness is your new best friend.

Cry with them. If they are still with you, love them like you used to.

Let’s hope for the best.

****** This is a reminder for myself,

if one day I forget what I have been doing, if I lost my mind one day. This post will bring me back, to the most important thing humans can do, to inspire and love another human being.

I think there is an important life lesson I really really need to log down. I have always been the obedient child. But I can see that it is toxic now. I would like to change that.

The obedient do not know how to fight against the odds. The obedient care too much about what others think of them. We are too good at hiding ourselves instead of showing the world who we are. The obedient are passively aggressive because we do not like you but we pretend we do. Something shows, right?

Growing up my mom cares a lot about what I do and think. She believes everything has to be according to the social standards. That makes me sick. I am screaming ‘I am not normal’ but no one hears that. Most of the friends were too busy trying to please their parents and act ‘normal’. But I refused to accept normalcy is something humans chase after. I can see so many flaws that society will not accept in me. It is so loud in my quiet mind that I know it is impossible for me to be normal. Luckily, I was smart enough to know probably this is the state for other people in the world as well. They just refused to accept it. I don’t know why they can’t see it, but they are good people. The end result is, back and forth I doubt myself. They say I don’t belong. They say I am marching to a lonesome defeat. But I refused to believe in the society. I refused to give up. I have given in for a long time. This tug of war is between my identity and the world in front of me. How to strike a balance and call it a win-win?

I chose myself. I became an artist. I grasped any opportunities to express myself as a person. I studied psychology and philosophy. I studied the things that constitutes normalcy from a scientific angle. I studied the so-called disabled people and read their autobiographies. I stumbled upon Carl Jung’s quotes and I think that changes everything. At the age of 14, I read about Carl Jung and for the years to come, his words painted the wall of my room and the back of my mind. In a large scale, everything I do is to preserve the selves that society wants to repress, to entertain the selves that I am scared to lose. The emotions that are running in the background, the quiet screams only those who are sensitive would notice.

However, no matter how good I am being an artist, I did not learn to use words to express my own selves in front of others. Writing is good but it is still not a direct mean to express emotions. I still shy away from expressing my own emotions to others. The idea that others will actually accept I dislike something others like is hard to take. Adults do not like truths, they just want to conserve the superficial harmony. This is something I hate about being an adult. This is something I hate about my parents.

This was true until one day I told my colleague I got nothing to work on, and he told me that is because I have complied orders and followed instructions all my life and do not know how to find my own work. ”Our company gives us lots of freedom, you just have to ask for permission.” He is the colleague that many others do not like because he started many things but did not manage to finish them properly. A trouble-maker. But in that moment he said those words, I was not offended. Not at all. I think he is wise. What he said is true. I do not know how to express myself even when people allow it. People would like to see what I can offer and bring up.

It is the moment that I think the world is not working against me but with me. The feeling of ‘the world is against me’ is really hard to shake off but in that moment I turned the concept around, I can sense freedom and acknowledgment are possible in this world.

The more I work with other humans, I realised they are not really rejecting me but curious about me. They want to know I will say, they want to know what kind of surprise I will bring them. This is something never existed in my world. People in my world used to reject me because I was not following instructions. People used to show hatred and take freedom from me when I refused to obey. I lived in an authoritarian world! In the sacrifice of personal freedom, I lost interest in living but drifting into a world that no human exists. I love to draw fluffy animals and I would be the only human being in my imagination.I drifted into the world of books in search of meaning in life. I go dark. I disappeared from the reality in favor of my own reality.

Humans are extremely hard to satisfy. We all have our own ideas but only a few can articulate their ideas fully to feel understood.

Paulo Coelho said madness is the inability to communicate your ideas. It’s as if you were in a foreign country, able to see and understand everything that’s going on around you, but incapable of explaining what you need to know or of being helped, because you don’t understand the language they speak there. We’ve all felt that. And all of us, one way or another, are mad.

Maybe that’s the reason: the obedient have a hard time to get out of their own madness. They lack the skills to tell others what they need to know.

To escape that, you either allow yourself to be mad in front of others or you learn to communicate in various ways. I do both, I suppose.

Yesterday, I had a dream of being naked but I do not feel ashamed. I remember Milton Erikson once told his patient that God gives us the body and we should not be ashamed of showing her breasts in public while feeding her son; or giving out gasses. They are the miracles of human bodies. Being mad is also what humans do, there is nothing to feel ashamed of. I think ‘madman’ do it differently because they cannot choose when to do the mad things, but most of us have this choice. I started to scream when I am at home, especially when I feel life is unfair. I started to shout and growl like a dog at home or in the forest whenever I feel like it. It feels good, it helps with the release of anger I have, for myself and for this world. I am also working at a school setting and learning to communicate with students who test my boundaries and get rewards for free. It tested my ability to communicate and value their ideas and at the same time stay true to myself.

I have learnt to embrace the absurdity of human life and embrace the unconscious mechanisms that most people may not understand.The acknowledgment of personal freedom feels good, even though it may not be what you think it is. It could mean doing harmless silly things in front of others. It could mean being proactive and stand for yourself and the values you held close to your heart.

I welcome the loneliness and emptiness inside my soul. Looking for the tears that can carry me away. Take me back to the place where I am understood and welcomed.

When there are too much doing but no living, your life becomes empty. I seek books for answers.

When no one understands but you are determined to be different, you feel lonely. But life carries on. I still got meditation, trees and hypnosis.

I feel both lonely and empty. I am tired but I know I need to carry on. Tonight is the night, to admit this to myself. It is not that bad, things are tough. I want to cry but I can only look at you blankly.

That familiar loneliness, reminds me I am a separate entity from my parents, that I have my own free will and drive. Oh, loneliness. Can you show me something good out of this?

Oh emptiness, are you telling me I am learning so much every day? Are you reminding me I am a useful person? I just want to be myself. For once, let me sleep my days away.

I know freedom belongs to me. I know I deserve the respect and love I fight for. I know things will be better tomorrow. The only thing I know is faith. The only thing I need to know is faith.

Fill yourself with love, imagine yourself holding someone in pain. Someone in physical pain, or emotional pain. Hold her/ him tightly, tell her/him you would take good care of her/him. Promise her/him. Generate the type of energy that is kind and loving, hug her/him, touch her/him. Practice it. Imagine yourself as someone strong, someone with scars and someone who understands. Someone protective and someone who is willing to take the responsibility to dig deep.

This is my kind of mantra. I will be here, for you, till we see the sun, and you are strong enough to carry one with yourself. My name is called trauma healing. I am just a tool in God’s hand. I use all my might to go through hard times with other people, I stay with their uncomfortable times so that they can find ease and peace and tranquillity on their own.

Lately, I have been crying a lot. Since I have been back to Hong Kong I felt like part of me died. Whenever I am free in my room I reminisce the days I was in England. The good old days, when I know what I was doing and what I wanted.

There have been days I dream of someone leaving me. The dreams are like telling me, ‘There is no one else to take care of you anymore.You are on your own now.Your days in England have taught you enough to face whatever in front of you. So please be strong. Please be patient.’

Returning to Hong Kong is also like facing my old depressed self again. I go back to live with people who have once depreciated me. I go back to see the things I had once tried so hard but failed. I have learnt better but all these still hurts.

I started to build up a mental health system for myself. I look for a jogging trail, I look for healthy food, I look for inspirational and motivational people, and most of all, I look for solitude. It has been three months, I have found a jogging trail close to where I live, but I haven’t found a way to cook healthy food in this household. I have failed to find inspirational and motivational people. I felt like abandoned. I only found books, things I have once written down. I have to become my own motivation generator. Solitude is hard to find when you are living in a city and everyone is annoyed or complaining about something or someone.

From time to time I think humans aren’t meant to live in a city. Too many people are too much. Humans need personal space to be themselves. Humans need to have spaces where they can be disgusting and ugly, so they can have the space to show others their cheerful and positive sides. Hong Kong has gotten this all wrong.

I got a job working at a secondary school. The job has been meaningful but it’s not pointing me to the direction I am going. It’s a sidetrack. It’s my way to comfort my parents that I could be independent and live my own life. But it’s hard for me to accept that things aren’t alright. I need to go back to psychology and do a master. I felt stuck even though people around me are all telling me I am on the right track. It doesn’t feel that way.

I still remember the week before I left England, I was upset because I can foresee what’s upcoming. When I was jogging in the woodland trail in England.I prayed and asked God what I can do when I am surrounded by anxious people. There was silence for a long time. But then, after a long while, someone answered. A voice told me, you see the trees here? Yes, I said. Imagine yourself in this serene and peaceful setting. Come back to this place. Grow a forest in your mind. And you have it, relaxation and calmness.

From time to time, when people around me are not helping. The only thing that consoles me is books. That’s why I buy lots of books. Looking back, I was just looking for answers. Hoping that when familiar words are connected in a way that is unique, I will see the answers that I need. It’s all just therapy. My therapy for my loneliness.

I didn’t know the patterns when I was in England. Because the people around me were more of the friendly and sedate bunch, I bought fewer books. I didn’t NEED that. When I am back to Hong Kong, I started to see the patterns. I need to be surrounded by books. I needed answers. People around me don’t understand. They don’t understand why I am stuck. They think I am free and living happily. I know I am not, but it’s hard for others to understand. They are like ‘dead hearts’ described in the song dead hearts by Stars. It’s hard to know that they are out there and they are people you used to know. It’s hard to know that they still care. They pretended they care but there is no action. They are dead hearts to me. Dead hearts are everywhere. They make me feel I am falling down. They make me sad, so sad.

When people around me are not inspirational or motivational, I see myself falling into a black pit that I know things won’t turn out great. I am crying inside. It’s like a foreseeable depression. So, I hold onto anything and everything. I remind myself of the days I was in England, I hold onto the books I have bought and passages I have written myself. Things I have posted on Twitter, Tumblr and here have been a strong pin for me. They are reminders. Reminders of values and aspirations I have, reminders of the ideal self I want myself to be, reminders of who I have chosen to be, and reminders that I have been blessed by my adventure in England. To all the people I have met, they all have taught me wonderful lessons. Though home still looks the same, something changed inside and it changes everything.