Lily Aldridge is the model chick who married the dude form Kings of Leon a couple years ago and banged him so hard and so fierce that he had to call an early quit to the bands summer tour. He cited exhaustion. That lucky bastard. What that Sex on Fire dude didn’t fully understand at the time was that his marathon sex sessions would last about two months before conception of the ultimate cock blocker — a human baby person. ‘Exhaustion’ would no longer be something he could knowingly giggle about with his buddies, it’d be real and painful and smell like poop. Such is the circle of life.

Here’s Lily Aldridge in her new shoot for Victoria’s Secret, less than a year out from pushing that baby through her pipes. Not too shabby.

Yesterday as a result of Gwyneth Paltrow going commando at the Iron Man 3 premiere, I pondered what the simultaneously stuck-up and yet self-effacing Gwyneth’s lady bits looked like. I placed my bets on a nicely waxed well kept triangle. I was wrong. Because on Ellen, The World’s Most Beautiful Woman said she “works a 70′s vibe” and was scrambling to find a razor last minute to wear the dress. And then Ellen creamed her pants suit and destroyed her host chair and cut to a commercial break so she could furiously frig herself in her dressing room. Shit gets dramatic when ladies wear no underpants.

Shayne Lamas once plead guilty to charges of being ‘wet reckless’. That’s a rare penal code violation reserved for rich kids who convince judges that a DUI conviction is just too harsh for a connected celebrity with big tits. I know, wet reckless should mean something much cooler for a Lamas girl. It helps too be good looking, like Shayne, who is Lorenzo’s daughter by one of his five former wives, I think the one he was married to in the 80′s for just a year, but she was good looking, so Shayne lucked out in the genetic lottery. In general, if you’re a celebrity kid these days and you’re not dead or in rehab, you’re doing pretty well for yourself.

We’ve all dated some crazy bitches, but have you ever had one eat one of your pets? That’s what Mike Tyson said happened to him and one of his beloved pigeons. Iron Mike likes raising and racing the disgusting flying rats and has a big aviary full of them in his backyard. Weird, but who is going to tell a crazy angry strong ass boxer that his hobbies suck? Tyson claims that an ex-girlfriend was apparently jealous of the time he spent with the birds and fucking killed and ate one of them. Tyson said, “I was dating this young lady and she said, ‘I don’t know why you’re flying those damn birds, you should be eating them.’ She happened to grab one and — and she cooked one and proceeded to eat it.”

That’s fucked up. Then again this is a guy who once famously bit a chunk out of Evander Holyfield’s ear on national TV, has a giant face tattoo, and was convicted of rape. So, I guess his pigeon had it coming.

Back in the day, when a girl wore a hat and big sunglasses, it meant she was hiding something. And that something was usually her face. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been chatting up a girl somewhere summery in that get-up, only to have the hat and sunglasses come off to reveal that I didn’t get Cinderella, I got the stepsister. Okay, it happened once. And it didn’t really stop me. But I’m still scarred. This modern day fear of the very orb that has sustained life on this planet for 100 million years is really wrecking my game. I wish it would stop. If you’ve got skin cancer in your family, sleep during the day, come out only at night. If you don’t, stop with all the sun-protective gear nonsense, it’s ruining everything.

Vida Guerra is Cuban and she’s scared of the sun. That just seems wrong.

Kendall Jenner was out late last night at a big gallery opening, pretty much like every other 17 year old girl who got pulled out of school in the sixth grade so she could start earning. Not that Kendall isn’t getting the most important kind of education amongst her family, learning valuable lessons such as always gets paid in advance, good girls go hungry, and don’t let him hit you in the face. And not that a formal education is for everyone. Kendall is just a teen and can already afford for somebody to remind her what comes after M in the alphabet and why if the world is round we don’t all fall off. When she wakes up one day to find out her mom has stolen all her money, she’s going to be totally fucked, but until that time, why waste time in school. It’s a drag.

Joey Fatone of N’Sync has given Justin Bieber some simple advice: stop being such a douche. You’ll recall that the Biebs has been doing a lot of stupid shit lately like saying Anne Frank would probably be a fan of his stupid music, spitting on a neighbor, and just generally acting like a fucktard across the European continent, which, granted, they deserve. Fatone had this to say about his to his fellow middle-aged lesbian:

“Don’t be a douche. That’s plain and simple. You get this bug from the celebrity thing, where you’re very on top of the world and everyone’s ‘yessing’ you to death, so you’re like, ‘I can get away with this. I can do that.’

You know things are bad when Joey Fatone tells you to cut back on the douchebaggery. It’s even worse when he’s right. Of course, we’d all be dicks to some extent if we were 19 and wildly rich and famous and people let us get away with everything and hot girls would sleep with us even if we were total a-holes. The measure is relative. With celebrities who deal with their mighty pop power in a dignified, classy way on one end of the dial and spinning all the way down to total utter douchebags like Justin Bieber. So much so that Joey Fatone is calling him out. It’s like Courtney Love telling you you’ve got a drug problem. It’s time to reflect.