"Only half of you will receive paychecks this week. The other half will fight to the death."

Embattled Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt has not only been going through a nasty divorce, but he’s also been fighting with every last ounce of his being to maintain his ownership of the Los Angeles Dodgers. McCourt, who bought the team with his then-wife for $421 million in 2004, has been accused by Major League Baseball of “looting” $189 million of the Dodgers’ assets for his own personal use, and Bud Selig and league officials have acted accordingly and issued a punishment that will make all owners shake in their alligator-skinned, gold-tipped boots.

The league has finally crushed McCourt’s will to fight, and he has agreed to sell the team, the stadium and all related property for a pathetic $1 billion. WHAT A LOSER!

“The Los Angeles Dodgers and Major League Baseball announced that they have agreed today to a court-supervised process to sell the team and its attendant media rights in a manner designed to realize maximum value for the Dodgers and their owner, Frank McCourt. The Blackstone Group LP will manage the sale process.”

In reality, McCourt won’t make a profit off of this sale after he pays off his ex-wife, the family of Bryan Stow, and settles the rest of his debts, but in a fair world, failed ventures like this should be met with justice. McCourt should have to start over with nothing while an elementary school janitor hands him a mop and wishes him the best before a kid pukes all over his leg. Man, that would be glorious.

Instead, McCourt will fade into the sunset with a few hundred million dollars to his name, and whatever he’s hiding in the Caribbean and Switzerland, and a new owner will ride into town. And just as they were a few months ago, Dodgers fans are praying that new owner is Mark Cuban, who remains interested in purchasing the team, which is awesome for the sport, but terrible for my blood pressure and prayer of Albert Pujols staying in St. Louis.

This actually helps my Padres. Their TV deal was being held up because Bud didn’t want to approve the Dodgers TV deal. Now I will be able to watch another mediocre season while Heath Bell makes 20% of our payroll.

The guy behind and to the right of McCourt looks like he’s seriously debating whether or not he should brain him with his bat. He’s thinking, “I could get away with it . . . he’s cold-blooded, my bat is blue, no one would ever know . . . “