The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Hi My name is U-Unadulterated and I’m a chronic procrastinator. Its truly a damn shame how I procrastinate on the most simplest of tasks and even on major personal goals. Mind you, I got my act together when it comes to working my full-time job. Its just the mounting responsibilities I have after 5:30 pm that I sometimes avoid or delay my attention to that has marked me with the scarlet letter “P.”Like alcoholism, procrastination is a disease and I need a 12-step program, stat! I blame my occasional “forgetfulness” on being too “busy,” but we all know that being busy is no excuse for inaction. I have come to accept and acknowledge my weaknesses and that I am a work in progress. We all know about the seven deadly sins: wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony. We all have capital vices, and one that I battle often with is sloth. God has blessed me (and all of us) with so many talents to reach, effect, and change people and circumstances around us. We all have been called to a greater purpose than our present. The one thing that is holding me from reaching my full potential is me. I have a vision for my life, career, and love- yet I do things that self-sabotages the outcome I desire. For example, I am a member of several professional and social organizations, I serve on committees and am expected to volunteer and genuinely want to actively participate in every activity, yet again I find myself somehow losing the time and not being a promise keeper. Our word is our bond. If we can’t keep true our words, than what do we stand on as our foundation? It is an everyday struggle for me to be consistent on matters of my personal life. Yes, I pay my bills on time, but I missed bible study on Tuesday night, even after inviting a friend, who went as a surprise hoping to see me there, and I haven’t brushed my Persian cat in weeks.Inconsistency, slothfulness, laziness, or any other term you choose to describe apathy defiles the person that carries this trait. Our reputations are precious and fragile. It can be easily shattered and broken with an innumerable cost to repair. I don’t want to be known as someone who could have been…. if only she…Today I’m making a declaration to break this curse of apathy. I care to much to continually sit and not fulfill what has been predestined. Can anyone else relate to this internal dissonance? Are you like me, excelling professionally yet failing in areas of your personal life? How are you coming out cause I need a breakthrough! Help a sista out and keep me in prayer!

What are some of your vices?I’ll be back with a post, next Friday on time. I promise… #dontjudgeme

Just after Valentine’s Day as I was on my way to work I was listening to the Steve Harvey morning show. Since it was the day after Valentine’s Day the show was taking calls and finding out what people got and if what they got was good enough for them to put out. As they show was getting really good, a woman called in and said her man bought her a ring.

*crickets*

Now you would think if a woman got an engagement ring for Valentine’s Day she’d still be in bed with the lucky gentlemen at 7:20 the following morning, but as this lady went on to explain this was not just a regular ring. Apparently, this man gave her a ring that wasn’t a promise ring and wasn’t an engagement ring. Now, I am sitting in the car completely enthralled by this conversation… I was kinda wondering why she was taking this foolishness.

I’m sure someone out there is wondering what I could be mean that and here’s what I’m trying to say: I been with you enough time for you to spend nice money buying me a ring but it can’t be an engagement ring? So essentially what he just did was give her a pacifier. She’s a hungry baby and he doesn’t have time to fully fix her a bottle so he just figures that this will tide her over until he can put some water in a bottle (the diamond necklace for her birthday) and now she’ll likely never get that Tiffany solitaire.

This all goes back to the whole thing of you stand for what you tolerate. To me, this woman is tolerating pure foolishness and is allowing this man to complete disrespect her and her feelings. How can you sit there on national radio and admit that you don’t so much find anything wrong with this man buying you a damn cocktail ring under the guise he’s just not ready yet?

Now that I’m done blowing off steam I wanna know what everyone thinks about this…Is this a new trend among men? Are women going to just start receiving rings left, right and center just to pacify us and make us stay around while you continue to just do whatever you wanna do? Ladies, is this something we’re going to just sit down and accept? I mean diamonds are nice and all… but isn’t self-respect and HIS respect more important?

I’m sort of late with this post, but I figure it’s relevant not just on Valentine’s Day, but everyday.

Early on Valentine’s morning @lovebscott tweeted, “I don’t wanna scream independent anymore…I wanna start depending on you.” In my grogginess I was unsure of how I felt about that, but now that I have had little more than a week to think about it I have come up with how I fully about it.

She’s right. The media is currently selling the nightmare that most black women are going to always be single. I don’t believe this, but I do know we might have a better chance if we stopped wearing the I-word on our foreheads. I say this not because I don’t know my sisters have it going on. I see you and I’m proud but ladies, not every man needs to hear about your MBA, your new house or how much money you have in the bank. None of those things are going to get in bed and keep you warm at night.

That said, this post is not just designed to preach to the ladies about how they need to stop telling me how they have gotten to be so independent. This post is also to ask the men to be the rock that we can depend on. If you know she’s looking to you for support, don’t shirk that responsibility…That’s the worst thing you could ever do to us. I want to see men do it like the men of olden days (just like I wanna see women do the same).

I believe with this we can the black community back to where it used to be.

What say you? Ladies, are you ready to depend on a man? Gentlemen, are you ready to depended on?

I’ve experienced what I guess is called “hysterical blindness” one vivid time in my life…possibly twice but I can’t really remember the other time. I was in my school’s cafeteria getting something to eat (a wrap I think) and after receiving the container from the sandwich maker, everything went black. I hadn’t passed out…I was very aware, just blind. I didn’t freak out or anything. I thought if I blinked my eyes really hard my sight would come back. So, I continued walking away and dropping the container on the floor. No one knew what was going on with me. How could they? I didn’t yell out…help, I’m blind. I just kept it moving. It must have lasted less than a minute. I didn’t really think about it nor did I afterward tell my friends who were with me, thinking I was being super clumsy, that I indeed was incapable of seeing for a brief moment.

Then this movie came out:

About the Movie “Hysterical Blindness from IMDB :

In this bittersweet slice of working class single New Jersey life, best friends Debby and Beth (both pushing thirty) go looking for love in the wrong place – namely their favorite bar, Oliver’s. Rugged contractor Rick eyes Beth but ends up going home with the more assertive Debby. Beth’s style is further cramped by the responsibilities of single motherhood. As Debby tries to parlay what was essentially a casual fling into possible marriage with an indifferent Rick, her mother Virginia wonders if her affair with widower Nick is the real thing. Rounding out the romantic possibilities is Bobby, the bartender who flirts with Beth. The women clash as plans go awry, tragedy strikes, and hearts get broken. In the end, Debby, Beth, and Virginia find, if not the relationships of their dreams, peace with each other and within themselves.

I don’t remember much about it. One of the characters was in total denial about the man she was “dating” and also experienced the same thing I did…that brief moment of actual blindness.

One definition of hysterical blindness I found online reads as follows: Loss of vision or blurring of vision following a highly traumatic event (www.mondofacto.com) <—makes sense but I can’t for the life of me recall what I was going through…and buying a sandwich is far from traumatic…I LOVE food. I’m really searching the memory banks here…if this movie came out in 2002, this must have happened to me around 2001-2002. I’ll revisit this post once I recall what stress I could have possibly been going through.

And, wikipedia goes more in depth with the definition:

Conversion disorder (formerly known as hysterical blindness) is a condition where a patient displays neurological symptoms such as numbness, paralysis, or fits, even though no neurological explanation is found and it is determined that the symptoms are due to the patient’s psychological response to stress…The term “conversion” has its origins in Freud’s doctrine that anxiety is “converted” into physical symptoms.Though previously thought to have vanished from the west in the 20th century, some research has suggested it is as common as ever.

Wiki also says this used to be called “hysteria” in the time Freud et al were studying it.I don’t like this definition because it makes me sound crazy, lol. And because the episodes happened a long time ago…and only twice, I don’t think the definition of this “disorder” (from wiki) fits me.

But, all in all, the movie let me know I wasn’t alone…I wasn’t crazy…things like this DO occur. And, though the movie has a double definition as seen by the caption “sometimes the hardest thing to see is yourself”…I really wanted to touch on the physical event.

So, I will pose these questions to my lovely brothers and sisters:

As far as the psychological aspect of the movie (which I would recommend seeing by the way), have you ever or maybe now, not been able to see your situation for what it was? Reflect on “sometimes the hardest thing to see is yourself”.

As far as the physical, have you ever experienced something that made you feel “not normal” and come across a movie, talk show, TV show or article, that put you at ease and let you know you were not alone? (maybe this post perhaps 🙂 )

I used to take great pride in my level of connection. Despite being a full time student, with a Family and a Fulltime Job, not a lot gets past me.

Lately, I have been Wishing I was less connected.

This whole thing where people Indulge their snark and indulge in Criticism of things that people don’t like. ALL DAY LONG.

It has become a form of entertainment to denigrate. So much so people watch people they CLAIM they wouldn’t spit on if they were on fire on TV for the express purpose of criticizing their every move.

Now MANY folks employ snark as their stock and trade. That is how they get down. Online and Off. They are acutely aware that EVERYONE loves a dogpile, so long as they are not the ones on the bottom. That is part of the game, and I make a habit of avoiding the knocking of another folk’s hustle.

The rest of you? The joiners and those who just kinda see a pile form and decide you might wanna jump on? You do know what you’re doing, right?

*swing through the drive-through at McDonald’s for a Royale with Cheese,

*Hit the buffet at Random Quasi-Asian (middle of the strip mall next to the Beauty Supply and the impromptu H&amp;R Block office)Super Buffet

*Hit down for your fix of random pre-fabricated Applebee/Friday’s/Bennigan’s

*Take a stroll down memory land for what USED to be fine dining for common folk, Red Lobster or Olive Garden

*Or if you, like me, get your anti chain restaurant on with any number of singular dining experiences

*Or if you get your white tablecloth sommelier and chef’s table on

We all like to get our eat on and let someone else cook and clean.

In the 21st century, with more and more two income households, the notion of a traditional family dinner is virtually impossible.

With every advance in technology and alteration in personal priorities, dining out is becoming less and less of a luxury.

Add to that the simply jawdropping number of choices and you have a completely different industry from 20 years ago.

The explosion of the restaurant industry has opened up opportunities and challenges in the Black community. With each passing year, it becomes apparent that while it is clear that the Black dining market is growing, the level of respect that it commands is not growing at the same pace.

Think for a moment about how much you spend every month on food that you don’t have to prepare and you will rapidly understand how much dining out matters.

When was the last time you got through an ENTIRE day eating food that was prepared by private individuals?

Exactly.

What happens in that business matters to you whether you work in that business or not. It would help you immensely if you understood it better.

Hello SSSO Family! I’m glad to be a new member of the sisterhood now that jaci finally reads my email. I’ve been a fan of the site for about a year and wanted to jump in on the conversations and hopfully start a few. I’m a 27 year old woman living in the Washington, DC Metro area, who like most women here have a lot to speak out about when it come to dating and life in the “Chocolate City.” After being single for…wait for it…ever, I’m now in a serious long-distance relationship. Advice on LD relationships is welcomed—help a sista out!

Snowmageddon part duex has finally ceased and this butterfly is about to break out the cocoon and fly off to Jamaica to celebrate my first Valentine’s Day with a boo J I’ll share the scoop on how it goes next week. This last week, I’ve been holed up in my one-bedroom condo with my sister, her dog, and my cat. So I’m in dire need of sun and as Stephanie Mills sang “A Comfort of a Man,” lol. Being a native of South Florida, this blizzard had me literally shaking in my boots, but now that it is over, I’m out here shoveling my car out and making sure my path to the airport is straight. I ain’t studdin’ you winter!

My posts to come will be me unapologetic, uncensored, and a even a little uncanny. My name is Urrikka and I came up with the moniker U-Unadulterated because I live my life free of additives and true to myself. Unadulterated – to me means to be pure, free, complete, whole, and true to one’s self. Someone who embodies this description is a person not easily altered by another’s influences or experiences. They grow into the person they were destined to be organically and plant seeds into others to reap an even greater harvest.

Take a moment to ponder this concept and examine areas in your life where you can be authentically unadulterated. I look forward to your comments and discussion.