The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 06

No matter how much a guy invests in a gal, plying her fine wine and expensive food and squiring her to nightclubs, movies, and (yuck!) operas and plays, he can’t really count on her to be available at his beck and call. Thanks to feminism, she’s become “liberated.” There may be times, then, that, despite a man’s need for a little--or a lot--of amorous play, his playmate’s missing in action.

Fortunately, there’s a backup in the form of the Pocket Pussy.

As it’s name implies, the Pocket Pussy is a portable artificial vagina. Tubular, it resembles a flashlight, except that, where the lens would be, there’s a pouting pussy. The labia, quite helpfully, are always open, allowing easy access to the interior of the device’s cylindrical intimate parts.

The Pocket Pussy has so many advantages over the real deal that it’s a wonder, quite frankly, why men even mess with fleshly twats anymore. The Pocket Pussy fits into the pocket (hence, it’s name) and is therefore portable, it doesn’t menstruate, it can’t be impregnated, it can’t transmit diseases, and it’s not attached to a brain that thinks for itself or to a personality that’s subject to mood swings and capricious changes of mind. To make the device realistic, it’s equipped with a vibrator to simulate hysteria.

Some say that the Pocket Pussy is an insult to “real women” because it dehumanizes the female sex. I say it honors women; after all, the Pocket Pussy embodies, in a more or less realistic way, the best parts of a woman, not her worst aspects (the aforementioned brain and personality).

A Pocket Pussy is much less expensive than a woman. It needs no food, drink, clothing, fashion “accessories,” feminine hygiene products, or other “necessities of life,” and it’s content to stay at home (or even in one’s pocket, hence its name). It’s low maintenance, requiring only a little soap (preferably of the antibacterial variety) and water before and after use.

The Pocket Pussy comes in as many varieties of flesh tones as there are racial and ethnic groups, which is to say Pitted Olive (Asian), Peaches and Cream (Caucasian), and Chocolate Mocha (African-American), making it possible, in our increasingly multicultural culture, to have sex with multiple sex partners, each of a different race or ethnicity. Some aficionados of the product speak of it as “an orgy in your pocket.”

Operating the Pocket Pussy is simplicity itself. Even a girl could do it (if she had a penis). Simply treat the flashlight-like object as if it were a fist. Grasping it so that it is inclined from the vertical in the same plane as the erect penis, simply lower the labia end over the erection and jerk it up and down, as slowly or as quickly as desired, until orgasm and ejaculation ensue. Having deposited one’s semen into the interior of the Pocket Pussy, one can either enjoy it as a snack or wash it out, using bacterial soap and warm water. (Be thorough, as in any other matter of personal or, in this case, Pocket Pussy, hygiene.)

Although it can be stored and transported in one’s pocket (hence, its name), the Pocket Pussy can also be displayed on a shelf, among others of its kind, as a display both of one’s sexual prowess and as a trophy of a specific sexual conquest. Although, to date, laws prohibit the stuffing and mounting of actual pussies as trophies, no such ban applies to the Pocket Pussy.

This wonderful invention can do much to improve and maintain the morale of our fighting men (and, in some cases, our fighting women) as well, and generous and patriotic men and women should consider sending a few gross of them to servicemen and women in such God-forsaken places as Afghanistan, Iraq, South Korea, Germany, Okinawa, Area 51, and other overseas battlefields and military installations. The Pocket Pussy’s portability makes it possible for troops to enjoy a little sex even between firefights. Lubricant is probably not necessary, as troops have ready access to oil, grease, and other such fluids, and, during basic training, grunts are taught to “improvise” as a matter of course.

Some lesbians have been known to carry the Pocket Pussy in their purses. (Perhaps, in such cases, the device should be considered a Purse Pussy.) They sometimes perform cunnilingus on the “business end” of the artificial cunt, but, just as often, they insert the handle portion of the invention into their own twats, using the Pocket Pussy as a surrogate phallus, which, even without reflection, is an odd practice, to say the least, although the thought of a woman fucking herself with a dick-shaped object that’s equipped with a pussy instead of a glans is sort of exciting and may, in itself, occasion the use of a Pocket Pussy by the man (or woman) who entertains such a vision.

In some instances, male-to-female transsexuals have also opted for a Pocket Pussy in lieu of sex-reassignment surgery. Such individuals say that, “in a dark room, with a man who’s more than a little drunk,” it’s almost impossible for dates to detect that the cunt in use is artificial rather than real, provided that the employer straps it properly in place. Duct tape is recommended for this purpose, and shemales often carry this material in their purses, alongside the Pocket Pussy itself. To stimulate natural vaginal lubrication, veterans suggest that the device be filled with tepid water or warm baby oil, and a drop of “pig’s blood” can, they claim, create the illusion that one is--or was--a virgin.

Like everything else in the world, most Pocket Pussies are made in China. Those that are made elsewhere are manufactured in either Taiwan (another name for China), Japan, or South Korea, although there is no truth to the racist and insensitive rumor that Pocket Pussies made in these nations have “slanted” labia.

And, finally, fear not: the Pocket Pussy is shipped in a plain brown wrapper so that everyone who sees you with it, even unwrapped, will know it’s something naughty.