Monday, January 24, 2011

Today, after returning from work, finally I brought home to my 'final' piece of music instrument, a high quality pre-amp for my new microphone - and I did cook, but until I could not try the microphone out - I did not eat, rather I did some gChat with my partner, Suszti, she was telling me that she is feeling becoming mad, and I ensured her with tons of smiles that she is already mad, no problem, let's develop infinite self-will and move self within self honesty - but then she was off to make her child to sleep, and I was about to wire in the new mic and the preamp, but then I realized: I do not have the XLR cable for it - I lend my microphone cable with my old mic a week ago, so then I jumped out to the nearby music shop to get another one - then I came home, tested it out - works brilliantly - at least some quality....

So then I made and ate a pasta, then I did take a nap - I do this when I 'feel' tired, especially when my eyes are tired from all day watching screens. So, then I woke up - and I did not move - I took my 'time', then I realized, I was not moving.

I did take a nap because I wanted to do many things tonight - then I did not move after waking up, about 5-10 minutes - thats' odd, I noticed, so then I started to see what is happening. There was no energy, no urge, no desire, no fear, no reason to move me - so I did not move. It was obvious: I must move me by Self-Willed Decision.

In these cases I have the 'feeling' of I am extremely tired - what can be because of exhaustion by depriving my sleeps - or simply no energies to move me. So I took my time and to be sure - I did take one more small nap, then I woke up and I still felt 'unnaturally' tired.In this case - it also can be that I did not drink enough water, so I am dehydrated, so I pushed myself to stand up and drink water - then I realized - I must be refreshed after a hour of sleep, so I took a bath and the perceived tiredness is gone.

Now, here I sat down and I am continuing with SRA lesson, it is fascinating to do it - and mostly I do have resistances and in the last moments I would pick it up, but the continuous application of pushing this point starts to manifest:-I wrote a lot of times about this is high priority to do, so I am absolutely sure about I want to do it, there is no other way.-I already understood that unconscious and subconscious resistances are especially 'nasty' about to make me procrastinate this specifically, so in the last week I wrote and said aloud self forgiveness according to this, to not allow myself to being stopped do SRA by any resistances.-I installed a calendar to my phone what is getting filled with my 'todos' in physical timeline, so I can see, being noticed and I am able to manage my activity.

So by these points - I am not surprised that by nothing else but me, I sit here and I do the lesson, I am absolutely not tired, I am not sick, I am doing it as myself.

Friday, January 21, 2011

I did not post this before, here it goes, when I noticed my sickness was fading last week

I am getting 'normal' again in relation to sickness - pain is fading, it's like a fire what burns out the bullshit out of me but it is not yet self direction, however I realized some points what I allowed myself to be resonantly influenced, directed, for instance the want to be alone and then want to be with others polarity system, then the energy addiction, what is sex-drug-energy related, about not take self responsibility.

It's like I want to loose my control - what control is too strong, it is not even myself as who I really am but then I am unable to release as myself, then energy kick I use - regardless to it's subtle form, it is all the same - when I define too much, I want to pull back, to go back to my 'den' or 'lair' where everything is like how and what I like - what I could not manage within the 'outside world' to manifest - so then that is avoidable, then my place is preferred, where I can play god according to my mind, according to my inner reactions. There were times when I was more quiet (inside) when I was alone, but recently I noticed that I am more 'voiced' inside when I am alone, probably that's why I want to be alone, to be alone with and as my mind - but when I am with others - I am much more easier releasing inside reactions and focusing on what is physically here - it is not that big difference, simply after a while a some form of 'tiredness' kicks in, and to compensate that - I energize within me as suppressions, judgments, participation within dishonesties such as popping up pictures from unconscious/subconscious, it's like it is testing me that in that moment what I will react to, like pulling different colored and tasted carrots and which one I will follow.

These must be understood within self-intimacy within the moment of participation within inner reaction.

About my day - I realized -again- at my workplace I am liked because of my work, because of my attitude and expression, so in a way it is very supportive - but there are points where I must stop for instance at the tendency to be distracted from my work - to any fun web page, or my personal agenda for instance looking after a camera etc - it's like suppressions come up - and if I would not suppress myself extensively - then I would not face with compounded energetic bursts so to speak - then I am able to direct myself to focus.This is what I realized in SRA as well - when doing muscle communication - to remain constantly here is the key - not allowing even for a moment to 'focus' onto something what is not relevant for the current information processing etc.

Also I realized - with my partner - I must be much more direct - in terms of specificity - at some times I even 'tested' her with my intentional grumpiness and rawness - wanting to expect the same 'warrior-like' attitude in her daily life as I do - but that is bullshit - it's like a control point want to direct her - what is in a way can be cool, as she is not aware much of desteni vocabulary for instance - but the other part of the polarity is related to my resonant expression to want to be alone - and when not, then want to direct her in the 'name' of self honesty, agreement, process - what is bullshit, I let all go.I am me as breath as physical - regardless to ANYONE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change others instead of realizing - I am me, I change me, I express me, I do not allow influences to who I am by others - or if yes - then in the moment I realize, I stop, I forgive, I change, I let go.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Fascinating to explore sickness within and as my human physical body, then to see how I am the cause and then the effect as well.I got this flu-like stuff, came full power, fast, does not last more than days then it's fading, left me with some tissue pain...Fascinating, last week I also got something nasty, that came with vomit, diarrhea, big fever and it 'felt like' stomach-related.This time it was more head-centered(mostly with pain) but more likely the whole body was involved.Last week I visited doctor, but doctor is also sick, and at my 'doctor's place' - there are 3 doctors are working - and at this time - they are all offsick, so there is one substitution - so only one must handle all sick people of the district. I had to wait almost 5 hours there until I was able to get in. It was really exhausting to be there for that long.So this time, regardless of my fever, body pain - I decided to stay at work. It was really something to push myself to sit there and try to work - my 'working speed' was like 1/4 - my brain was working so slow, doing my regular programming job was like a dream...except the fact that physical pain and feeling really cold - what brought me HERE when I flew away within my mind for moments - this tendency when unpleasant I got - to imagine then, to leave reality, to escape - but this is unacceptable.At work there was a scheduled meeting with my boss, I was just about to ask him how long before I should tell him that I would leave the company when he told me that I got some salary increase, so then I did not say anything about that, this time.I never was kicked out from any workplace - I always left by myself, somewhere I built up this desire to be kicked out - many people around me told me that they experienced this several times - I was fascinated about this - how this would affect me? Whatever.

So, about the sick story, yesterday night I was able to crawl into my bed very early and slept and sweat a lot in my polar sweater(the name lol) - what always helps to push out intense sicknesses - this time also helped - in the morning regardless the huge head pain - I felt better, so today I worked again - this time it was much less unpleasant, yet I still 'feel' some fever, and tissuepain, so it is still working, so tonight I rather stay in bed, and tomorrow I will see about the visit to doctor is necessary or not.

I say, my 'sickness' always comes when I am not sure about where to how to walk - this is unacceptable.I do not seek - I am here. I do not escape, I am here.

I experienced some self-judgment also, it is more likely a todo-list I am writing about what I do generally, what to do - and recently this list only grows, and that made me concerned - and also with the girl I spent time with - I had some excuses to be with her meanwhile simply I wanted to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be alone, instead of reailzing I am here as all as one as equal, no separation.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from other's judgment - so then I rather would be alone than facing my self-created self-judgment projected to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek after what is not physically here - so then I experience this 'missing' - then I miss me - I do not experience me - I separate me from myself - what breaks down self-trust, self-will, so I STOP.I stop seeking there, I start directing HERE.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I am facing some sort of fear - diarrhea manifested, so it is fascinating.I Let go of self definition, I let go of self addiction to energetic experiences of the mind.I let go everything what is not physically here.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing myself instead of realizing that I am going to face myself as myself anyways - the question is that do I face myself directly by self direction by decision or do I face with myself indirectly by letting consequences of my expression face me, direct me, control me.

I chose to face myself here. This is not a choice who I am - I face myself here.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to share myself with another beings within the judgment of (as self-judgment) I wait for something, or I am not satisfied with my expression so I hold back - instead of realizing that by holding back myself - I am not able to walk - so I let go - I let go of fear, I let go of fear from judgment, I let go of fear from failure, I let go of fear from being lost.I am here.

I describe how I physically 'feel':Along my backbone - something like a shivering energy crawles, mostly from down to upwards, from the solar plexus area - and that's it - I can also describe it as a cold-like freeze covers up alongside of my backbone, and as it 'goes' up - it feels like there are this ice-spikes manifesting on this freezing movement - but then it's all gone - then after some moments it comes again - and in fact I feel cold. Even when I wear three clothes, this backbone-centered freezing goes on and on - until I realize and breath.

This system requires realization - this system is of me as me - compounded self-suppression energy by self-definition, self-judgement, what is being experienced within me because of I am not able to contain the situation within me - I suppressed it all - and then no more - it is being exposed - it is being experienced within and as me.

So the practical walk would be not fear from facing with my partner unconditionally - not separating her - not allowing to prone to any energy addiction - sexual desire, direct physical sexual energy, or even coffee or at the office my favorite jar from which I drink water every workday.

I also noticed that my not direct fear is related to the self-definition about who I defined myself to be and when I am not alone for longer than some days - I want to be alone, I want to do things myself, I want to be separated -- this polarity what would pull to be among humans and then I would want to be alone - is of the mind.Who I really am is not dependant on who I am with - or am I with someone or not - if I make conditions about who I am, how I act, speak regarding to other people - then who I am if not of that condition which to I submit myself to?It is unacceptable to not be myself alone or with anyone. Myself as breath, as absolute self honesty, as self-expression.

Okay, this energetic cold waving is no more - but I did not faced it directly - only was a step.

In a way, this physical experience is similar to when I enormously compound sexual energy what makes me feel really cold, and the same kind of energies I experience within me - but that one is more rude experience, and also my genitals are in pain and only constant and stable breathing 'through' can assist to stop it - and by each stop - as I stop the system within me as me as myself within oneness and equality - slowly I understand myself, and I can be aware of the conditions, and I can direct myself to stop participate within these conditions, these if/then-s who I defined myself to be - based on a starting point of not who I really am as Life as Breath - so I can not trust any self definition.I can not trust in any self-created delusion, only breath, the physical I trust as HERE as touch, experience directly.

Also I experience that as I stop participate within desire, sexual desire - it compounds - tests me extensively - I am being tested by myself - my decision can stand or not?

At this moment I have an opportunity to start to experiment with Agreement - my two trials were not really Agreement-based, but my knowledge about Agreement were being tested and these did not stand - it was not only myself, it was the other being also(the girl) - and at this two occasions - the girls had no idea about what Agreement would be...But at this time it's different - she is very curious, studies what Agreement would be, and she wants to be self honest - she does not write bog, do vlog, but she understands some already.So she proposed this Agreement, but in fact - before this - we did some occasions of sex, and as I see - her starting point is of sex, desire - not only - she wants to change, wants to stand up, to understand, to direct herself - so that's not a problem - but my plan is to travel away in 5 months, so I am not sure that it would be great to start to form an agreement for 5 months only.

But I said, for 5 months we could try, but I am not sure she is aware of the desteni material enough(surely not), so she is studying and translating the material anyway, and asks a lot - we will see....Basically I have a resistance towards her - I do not say I do not like her but somehow I do not want to meet with her regularly - so there is a point what I do not want to face - that's cool...

Also I enjoy not having desire after her - So no energy moves towards her, but at the moment, there is an energy what wants me to pull back from her -- at first I judged this as 'she is not great for agreement' - but then I realized - it's my issue, not her - and in fact we can enjoy ourselves if we are not of definitions, we do enjoy sexual expression, she is facing her past extensively - and she wants to change, wants to express Self Forgiveness, so I enjoy being with her and assist her and she started to say directly about me and those are not really 'nice' - thats very cool - she assists me in realizing what I am accepting and allowing...

I almost decided to walk with her for months then - but still something pulls me back, that's why I write about it...Common sense say, enjoy agreement and then enjoy breath and self honesty.So we already do this, but to make it more stable - we will meet and speak again about it.

My 'excuse' was about Agreement that there is no a girl who can 'comprehend' desteni material in practice - and without that, Agreement is not really possible - so it is a cool opportunity.

At weekend I faced already a point - while she was here at my place - after a while, I did not do my 'todo' things - but we ended up in bed hugging and speaking - and sometimes sex, but after the sex thing happened some times - I realized - I did the same with most of the girls in my past - and it started with my ex-wife, at university, when we came together finally(about after a year yearning, desiring, suffering from 'love' lol), then we all day were in bed and hugging and speaking and that's it - and it was like a mind-state what feel great, that I did not want to stop.So it is cool to face that again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of her because I defined to 'have' a girl is rare.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'have' a girl instead of standing as beings as equals as Life.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use girl and stay in bed with her - to escape from my reality, from what I am experiencing, from what I must do, from who I became as Mind Consciousness System.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop and exploring self expression within the presence of an other human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistance towards girls, towards relationship, towards agreement to not wanting to face myself directly with a partner, instead of realizing that this could be really assisting if I stand and express self honesty within every moment.

So I stop fear, I stop procrastinate, I stop judge, I stop hesitate, I stop escape, I stop being in bed all day to not need to do my todos, instead of realizing that my todo-s are me, if I do not do my todo as me - I am not living myself unconditionally.

I will continue to share myself and assist her within self forgiveness and she already offered her presence to assist self - doing videos, speaking about points, she would be around me to see - can I do my expressions as I would do alone when she is here?That would be cool, so at weekend, we will see.

Friday, January 14, 2011

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being influenced by resistances towards self-directed walk-through on information what I defined before as 'a lot' - instead of realizing - I am here, I direct here, there is nothing 'lot' - I am simply considering always what is actually here - then I am realizing - I am already here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being distracted from what I decided to do - by allowing things popping into my head and reacting to immediately doing that - instead of realizing I try to avoid facing myself within the act what I started to express after my decision to do so.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Self trust is the basement of facing. If I do not trust my facing application either - what? Then why I continue instead of stopping participate within any application what can not be trusted.Self here is trust - everything else is not worthy of trust unless each participant of 'trust' is self always here as self trust - then we can talk reality otherwise who I could trust in someone when I see here how that human is constantly changing according to experiences - who are in power in physical - can direct humans through determining the impulses of their physical reality - and they will respond accordingly.Then that being how can be trusted? It's a complicated machine if we apply extreme self honesty and common sense - within a perfect equality system it is unacceptable to allow someone to not being aware of the consequences of their acts, because if all equally powerful within existence, if each equally god - then even one fucked up 'god' - can fuck up the whole existence.Because if one is not the same all the time but defined by outside - then inside can not be real, can not be life, can not be here. It is imperative to realize that without developing here-ness we are nothing but dust in the weather - nothing constant, nothing can be trusted endlessly - because everything is of change.But the solution is then is also obviously here: I am here - I let go everything what is not really here physically. I let go even that what is here physically. I am here as the Physical.