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Friday, April 9, 2010

Please tell me you know who I am! I can see your eyes flicking to the Google search bar. Oh damn! You are an Apple fan! Hey, blog admins, this is secure, right? You’re not posting any of my private info, are you?

Okay, newbies, I was once CEO of Apple. I was once the Valley’s top paid honcho. El Jobso and I were good friends, and we were going to change the world. But then that shitface decided he wanted my job. Just because he could come up with product ideas, he thought he could run Apple. Dude, I was trained to run a company from the time I was five, I married the Pepsi Chairman’s daughter so that I could move in big biz circles, I was the youngest president of Pepsi ever. Jobs was a non-social geek, a freak Buddhist mumbo-jumboer, not qualified to run the neighborhood pet store, let alone Apple. I gave him control of the Mac, and he designed such a shitty product that it bombed. And then all his insecurities played up and his egomaniac rule-the-world complex took over, and he wanted my job so that he didn’t lose his. Of course I wasn’t going to let him get away with it, and I kicked him out on the street. Apple was better off without him. Yeah, so I made a few bad decisions, we lost some money, our products tanked, but it was nothing I couldn’t fix…In time…Some time…Months…Years.

So, what am I doing nowadays? Well, nothing much, really. Trying to make ends meet, sending out résumés hoping that people would have forgotten my Apple disaster (they haven’t). Every month or so, I get a call from Jobs and I think maybe, maybe I’ll be called back to Apple, maybe Jobs will say “Brother, I’m sorry, it was my fault as much as it was yours” and then I won’t be Skulking Sculley anymore. But when I go there, Jobs’ secretary gives me a pitying smile and turns me away, or Jobs calls security to throw me out or Jobs does enact the reconciliation scene with Ashton Kutcher yelling “Punk’d!” at the end. I HATE JOBS! When he fell ill, I was so goddamn happy! I thought he would finally kick the bucket and I would finally get my rightful place back. But no, sucker recovered and went back to work, and I started sending résumés again.

Readers, friends, I have just one humble request. Please find me a good job. Not one as a pizza boy or a night janitor, but one more suitable to my credentials. I’m reduced to running a self-named investment firm which has one client a year (usually an old lady who hasn’t heard of my Apple debacle and is looking for a really cheap firm). Please help me oust Jobs from Apple, and I promise you free Apple products for as long as you live. Good Samaritans, this is good for your karma, you will get a place in heaven if you help out a poor soul like me. Please, I’m begging you!