SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

“I’m a junior hoping to graduate next year, but I’m having trouble pinning down an internship relevant to my field, which is required for my degree. Do you have any advice on how to wow an employer on my application or interview?”– Desperate Danny

So apparently this is a super common problem for upperclassmen at Ferris nowadays. I died before internships were a thing, so I don’t really know what the fuck to tell you. They’re really running my school into the ground.

In my experience though, if you’re trying to land a job, make sure to include every tiny detail about work your history. You may think they don’t care, but that summer you volunteered at the library for your church makes a HUGE difference.

Furthermore, during your interview make sure you really stress that you will do ANYTHING to get the position. Your employer will automatically think you’re referring to derogatory sexual favors and perceive you as a truly dedicated employee with a fabulous work ethic.

Good luck, and don’t forget to take your blazer off and use it as padding for your knees.
– Woodbridge

“I know that everybody says this, but my roommate is literally the worst. Without going into too many details, she’s not paying her share of the utilities on time, she sets off the fire alarm while cooking at least four times a week and leaves a mess in the bathroom. We’ve tried to address the issues and accommodate some of her flaws, but she’s just unbearable to live with. What should we do?”– Roommate Hell Rebecca

Well if, like me, you look to old mafia movies for life advice, the answer is clear. Find out if your roommate has a pet, either at the apartment or back home. Once you get there, pull out an axe and just lop the dog, cat or hamster’s head right off; this will be messy, so bring a tarp. Then, while your roommate is at work or class or whatever, leave the severed head in their bed. She’ll get the message.– Woodbridge

“Do you have a moment to discuss our lord and savior?”– Father Carmichael