David Huntsbergerhttp://www.davidhuntsberger.com
Website of comedian and cattle baron David Huntsberger.Mon, 02 Mar 2015 23:23:48 +0000enhourly1http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.3Junk Show March 2015http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/03/junk-show-march-2015-2/
http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/03/junk-show-march-2015-2/#commentsMon, 02 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000davidhttp://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/03/junk-show-march-2015-2/]]>]]>http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/03/junk-show-march-2015-2/feed/0Head Transplanthttp://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/03/head-transplant/
http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/03/head-transplant/#commentsSun, 01 Mar 2015 19:43:49 +0000davidhttp://www.davidhuntsberger.com/?p=2491well, it’s finally going to happen. the endless string of good people dying from being crushed under cars, elevators, elephant feet, and any other heavy objects dangled precariously over your cranium will soon be over. a neuroscientist in italy is convinced within the next two years he will be able to successfully transfer a head from one body to another. no more “uncle teddy’s body is perfectly fine! it’s just his head what got crushed by the camaro.” nope. not this time. now, teddy will be rushed to a hospital, ostensibly deceased, and then waiting in the wings — playing the part of the hero — the head of someone who no longer has a body. but damnit if that head isn’t in mint condition. sure, the hair is thinning, the teeth have worn down some, but overall it’s pretty low miles. and the brain runs like a dream. just pop it on there, wait a few weeks, fire it up, you got a new uncle teddy. or will it be the head running things? the family of the head will probably be in for the closest thing to a reunion. “michael, you’re back! and you’re a foot taller!” “yeah, sweet new penis, man!” “that’s not michael. that’s our uncle teddy! he’s just balder now!” will we eventually just swap out bodies like wheels on a car? people opt to leave their families given the chance to be among the first to colonize mars. will the same thrill exist with the first volunteers to have head transplants? “i just have to know what it would feel like to walk with bigger feet.” but at least the risk of traveling to mars comes with seeing new sites. what is the greatest benefit of waking up on a new body? “finally got rid of that stupid birthmark!” it could be beneficial for people going through gender reassignment surgery. now it would just be body reassignment. “you’ve been assigned to larry. get your head on that body by o’six hundred.” it seems doubtful we’ll ever actually see this. as usual, they have experimented this surgery on helpless mice and even an orangutan. The mice were paralyzed but could blink their eyes, and they died a few hours after being off life support. the orangutan lived for nine days with the new body, but then the body’s immune system rejected the new head. like having a cold. “get this damn thing off of me. this isn’t karen. it’s moving my arms all wrong.” “but without the head you’ll die.” “you heard me. get this damn thing off of me.” so maybe the body controls more than we think.
]]>http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/03/head-transplant/feed/0Running Chronicles 2015http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/02/running-chronicles-2015/
http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/02/running-chronicles-2015/#commentsThu, 05 Feb 2015 03:40:37 +0000davidhttp://www.davidhuntsberger.com/?p=2481it was bound to happen. while running (very slowly as usual. the amount of people whose days i have made by being their ‘mark’ as they shuffle ahead and pass me faster than you would ever guess based upon just a quick glance at them, and who prove to themselves that they are not in as bad of shape as their physical form would lead one to believe – that they’ve still got it – that parade of people is endless. people in flip flops late for the bus, women with strollers, highly overweight people, people who never lift their feet more than 1″ from the surface — they’ve all passed me, and i’ve passed very few of them) i happened upon a portly gentleman who took up the majority of the sidewalk. to his left, a tree. to his right, a yard. i would have run around to the right and traipsed across the yard, but i noticed he was holding a hammer in his right hand. middle of the day, just walking along with a hammer. had he just gone to his car to get it for some repairs on his house? was he a maniac just waiting for a mindless jogger to trot by so that he could bash them on the head and cross another thing off his new year’s resolutions list? i’ll never know. i decided that heading out into the street would be the best maneuver. was it irrational? probably. but very so often you hear about someone playing the knockout game or just being a lunatic mad at society, and i decided i would avoid that. when i was past him he shouted something, and i looked back. it was more of a loud grunt as if he meant to say, “hey you!” but it came out, “anhhh!” and when i looked back and saw him, i honestly couldn’t tell if the face he was making was “hey, sorry for taking up the sidewalk. i would have moved over, but i didn’t hear you coming.” or “i can’t believe you sensed what i was about to do …which was club your dumb head senseless. good for you, my friend. you’ve escaped a thorough hammering on this day. wise move using the street.” i’ll never know which it was …but i think we can all be pretty confident that it was the latter.
]]>http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/02/running-chronicles-2015/feed/0Raindrop’s Ridehttp://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/02/raindrops-ride/
http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/02/raindrops-ride/#commentsTue, 03 Feb 2015 21:49:04 +0000davidhttp://www.davidhuntsberger.com/?p=2476well this is odd. i seem to be somewhere. and i seem to be moving. all these other things around me seem to be moving too. where are we going? what are we? how did we get here? is there an end to this? maybe i should stop worrying about that and just enjoy this. but what is this? i just suddenly am something. does that mean i’ll be this forever? i like this! i’m soaring! this is great. the things next to me seem to change all the time. some of them grow larger. some disappear. what is that in the distance? why is it coming toward us? it has colors …oh, that’s pretty! what is that? i hope it’s friendly. maybe it’s where i’m meant to be, but i don’t want this ride to end. maybe i can slow down just a little bit, take better care of myself and stretch this out. …that didn’t seem to do anything. i’ll just have to enjoy it while it lasts. wow, those colors are so cool. they’re really close now. well, i hope if that is where i’m meant to be that it doesn’t hurt. or that maybe i get to go back up and do this aga….
]]>http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/02/raindrops-ride/feed/0The Affectshttp://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/02/the-affects/
http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/02/the-affects/#commentsTue, 03 Feb 2015 03:10:24 +0000davidhttp://www.davidhuntsberger.com/?p=2468if you don’t use twitter, please make sure you say, “i don’t twit …or twat …or whatever it’s called.” how else would anyone possibly know that you are so isolated from the assimilating masses that you don’t even know how to pronounce the very thing you are clearly unaware of? never mind that twitter is on the news constantly, always referenced in connection with current events, political discussions, used as a polling device, and said in general conversation very regularly. nope, you didn’t hear any of it. you don’t turn on your computer. you don’t watch shows where tweets pop up in the bottom corner. you don’t even read the newspaper and see a story that refers to someone creating some sort of incident via twitter and think, “huh …twitter. wonder what that is.” not good ‘ol you. you live on the same planet as everyone, and yet you’ve managed to be completely oblivious to one of the more ubiquitous things in society. good for you. or maybe it’s just that you like people to think that way about you. maybe you thought it was endearing when an older relative didn’t know about a contemporary phenomenon, and you thought, “yeah, why the hell do i know about that dumb band meant for younger people? grandpa has it right. he does his own thing and isn’t concerned with what everyone else is doing.” or maybe he is. maybe he saw someone older than him do the same thing, and he thought that was a cool affectation. “i’ll be the guy who guesses the name of popular things but never …ever gets them right.” and grandpa has just been faking it for years. they never just say, “i don’t know what that is.” it’s always, “what is a ‘flu fighter’? i don’t care what a bernie baby is. words with what now? is that like scrabble?” ah, they are all so close. and that’s key. there’s a secret pride in getting it close enough to the word that people can guess it. “are you talking about facebook? is that why you keep saying you’re not on fact bark?” “oh, that must be it, yes.” right. i can see how you thought it might be fact bark. that term is thrown around nearly as much as the thing that has a billion members.
]]>http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/02/the-affects/feed/0Take that, Selfhttp://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/01/take-that-self/
http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/01/take-that-self/#commentsThu, 22 Jan 2015 23:07:18 +0000davidhttp://www.davidhuntsberger.com/?p=2464you can be as mean as you’d like to your self. we jam those words together so that ‘yourself’ is less possessive sounding than it actually is. “where’s my self? has anyone seen my self? i hate myself!” we don’t really know how to describe other people’s selfs …or selves. “they are by themselves.” if a self was an actual squatty little caricature of you, and it tagged along with you wherever you went, it might be easier for people to describe them. and it would be easier to understand the irrational hate people have for their selfs. “Where did those guys go?” “oh, they went off by their selves.” and then you would see those guys over in a stand of trees sitting around with these squatty, furrow-browed representations of themselves. they would be with their selves.” how stupid does ‘themselves’ sound? it’s real backwoodsy. “do those cans belong to you?” “no those are them cans.” but them selves is somehow acceptable? complete rubbish. no one cares about the selves. people are brutal to them. when someone tries to kill their self (themself …terrible), there is never a trial. if you harm another person – you cut into their body, or shoot them, or attempt to gas them out or poison them – there will be a trial. but your self has a body, and when you do those same things to it, there is never a trail. “your honor, the defendant knowingly fed their self several handfuls of pills. knowing full well it couldn’t survive something like that. isn’t that true, mr. butler?” “well …yeah, but it was my self. i can do what i want with it.” and then you pan over to this poor, chubby little self with a bandage around its head and real sad eyes. “ladies and gentlemen of the jury, just have a look at this sweet, innocent self. does it deserve to be attacked so viciously? the prosecution wishes to convict this citizen of attempted murder, of an adorable little self.” and prisons would be even more packed if you could be punished for being mean to yourself.
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http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/01/searching/#commentsTue, 20 Jan 2015 21:00:32 +0000davidhttp://www.davidhuntsberger.com/?p=2458some people never look for any meaning in life. they have no interest in finding out where the machinery is, or how is works, or if any of this has any point at all. and that is probably the way to do it. the people who are full of angst and confusion don’t seem to really have the greatest lives. i hope the person who coined the phrase “ignorance is bliss” was in fact an ignorant person. “greg, how can you just carry on happily with your life while such terrible things happen daily? don’t you wonder if there’s someone or some thing responsible for this? are we just test specimens in a cage being observed? or is this all just a big accident, and we’re the result of bacteria that learned how to grow up and put on shoes?” “ignorance is bliss, dude.” and then greg cannonballs into a pool with his sunglasses on. he just gets it. when people travel the world, and experiment with drugs, and meditate, and fast, and thirst for some sort of knowledge – the best they can hope for is to come back from that as calm and relaxed as greg. and that’s sad to put in all that work just to come back with no answers. someone who lives in a remote place and has a simple life might be kind of a romantic notion, but that might just work for that specific person. “that’s what we all need in life. a simple life of laying in hammocks and working as little as possible near a beach.” and then you get there and find that hammocks, after too much time, warp your posture and dig into your skin. and bugs are no fun. and when you barely work, you can’t travel or ever really leave the island. and you get less and less greg every day. searching for answers to life seems pretty much like a politician who ran for president and lost . they put in a lot of time and effort, and at the end of it – just like the majority of us – they are not the president. the only difference is that we got there with virtually no work.
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http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/01/gun-ideas-pt-1/#commentsTue, 20 Jan 2015 04:49:06 +0000davidhttp://www.davidhuntsberger.com/?p=2444the gun debate gets very tiring in the united states. it’s one of the very few things referred to as a debate. there’s an immigration issue. how do you feel about same sex marriage? and the abortion debate. two debates – guns and abortion. and if abortions were constantly the main weapon used to shoot up schools, that debate would probably end a lot faster than the gun debate. it makes no sense to try to appeal to either side. people from other countries can’t fathom how guns in the US are still legal and so abundant. people who are really into the constitution can’t fathom that anyone would ever want to alter that in any way. you hear the same appeals over and over, “but they had muskets back then. it was a different time.” it makes no impact. it was still in the constitution. the only thing both sides seem to agree upon is that the people who do these terrible things with guns tend to give gun owners a bad reputation. and that’s true. if you look at the photos from most of the mass shooting perpetrators, they all look maniacal. and then everyone wonders, “how did that lunatic get a gun?” indeed. most gun owners are very careful with their guns. they keep them unloaded in a locked case, and they drive out to the middle of nowhere to shoot them at pieces of paper. if that’s what you love, and if that hobby is what you’re willing to fight to your last breath for – no one should stop you. you are the most boring piece of biological material that has ever been assembled. “honey, i’m home. guess how many times i hit the paper today…” “i want a divorce.” it’s not televised. that’s a good indicator of how boring it is. they have shows dedicated to people eating a lot of food, and yet no one would ever watch someone shoot paper targets on tv. so, if that person wants a thousand guns, let them have them.
drug addicts are victims. we feel bad that someone with a problem ends up in prison for it. we punish drug dealers because they contribute to the demise of these poor drug users. so, if we are going to punish the providers – why not do that with guns? if you leave a handgun in your sock drawer, and then that gun is taken and someone is murdered with it, then you go to jail. you are an idiot, and you’re not fit to own a weapon. “but they stole the gun from me?!” you bought it for protection against such things. you can’t use that argument. if you get your gun stolen from a sock drawer or under your pillow, you should go to jail. you are a moron and unfit for society.owning brass knuckles is a felony. why? they were invented after the constitution was written. if you’d like to legally own some, make sure they fire a bullet and register them as a gun. then keep them locked up somewhere. and if we think crazy people are legally purchasing guns, why not change the questions you need to answer to own a gun? if you are indeed not the same as a crazy gun maniac who shoots up schools, you wouldn’t mind answering a few more questions before making a purchase, right? it will insure that you are never associated with someone so off-balanced and creepy. it doesn’t change the constitution or your ability to own as many guns as your hoardy personage requires. it just changes the questionnaire that determines whether or not someone is mentally stable enough to own a contraption that shoots metal through another person’s body. certainly we can take a moment and answer a few extra questions. If it said things like, “do you believe in ethnic cleansing?” or “did she wrong ya?” or had maybe an essay section that started with “describe the ultimate need for guns (feel free to assume we are under attack from aliens)” – it seems like we might be able to weed out a few lunatics and perhaps not have to have schools be a terrifying war zone.
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http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/01/pinback-feb-2015-2/#commentsTue, 20 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000davidhttp://www.davidhuntsberger.com/?p=2459]]>]]>http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/01/pinback-feb-2015-2/feed/0Pinback Feb 2015http://www.davidhuntsberger.com/2015/01/pinback-feb-2015/
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