Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Six Asses That Changed America

Ass! Everybody loves ass nowadays. Scientists study it. Jessica Biel has perfected it. And us minorities love to holler at it. But alass (snort), twas not always the case. So in celebration of, I don't know, Ass Tuesday, let's take a quick trip through the history of our dear derriere and cop a feel on Six Asses That Changed America.

Saartjie Baartman: The story of ass in America unfortunately begins with tragedy. And, fittingly enough, not in America (oh no, I'm in the wrong piece!). The original rumpshaker belonged to Saartjie Baartman, also known as the Hottentot Venus. The original video-ho, she made it clap and toured Europe to pay the bills. I'm surprised more of these video girls don't rock the "HV" on their cheeks just out of respect.

Marilyn Monroe: Sweet Marilyn of course is our first iconic white-girl-with-curves. Plumpness in general was more appreciated back in the days, but her status as the quintessential "Sex Symbol" makes her special. Plus, look at that picture! I'd hit that! Miss Monroe's hourglass shape also became the model for the caucasian ass template, which prioritizes a high hippiness-to-flesh ratio. If not genetics, then Marilyn may be the reason white girls are widescreen, and black women are Imax 3D.

Baby Got Back: Can you believe this song won a grammy!!! And was banned on MTV?! What style! What substance! Sir Mix-A-Lot inadvertently gave booty a culture. It was kind of like passing the Civil Rights Act for ass. That's why you can't sleep on these silly pop songs. In twenty years who knows what revolution of ecological conservation will have been inspired by the line, "'til the sweat drips from my balls." That's energy people!

JLo - Jennifer Lopez, perhaps the most famous ass in the contemporary era. She turned booty into capital. We always knew booty could dance, but we didn't know it could sing (kinda). And act (sorta). And sell perfume (definitely!). Insuring your hindquarters for a billion dollars takes brass ... buns! J Lo is like Ayn Rand and Susan B. Anthony with ass. And I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like a party!

Beyonce - Miss Knowles, also known as The J-Lo 4000, isn't quite packing the same heat. But she's an astute and diligent student of the game. She knows how to use it. She knows how to flaunt it. And she was able to provide support for her booty-enterprise with genuine talent. She is currently regarded as the perfect black woman by all black males between the ages of 18-34, and her booty plays no small part in that. It's also no coincidence the song that put Beyonce on the map was Bootylicious. After Sir Mix-A-Lot and JLo we were in fact very ready for that jelly.

Jessica Biel - While J-Lo and Beyonce were showing minorities how to work it in the Modern Booty Era, white women were caught in a dilemma. The Marilyn Monroe model had been put on the shelf, and no one filled the void to show caucasian sisters how to really fill out those jeans with spunk. Sure 'Ye and 'Lo were assimilated enough to provide inspiration for all girls across the board. But the light-skins needed someone swimming more firmly in their own gene pool. Kylie Minogue flared up, but her plan was too high maintenance. And Anna Marie Cox was just an ass. She didn't have any. This was a serious problem until caucasians discovered the hips that hold the Cistine Chapel of Cadonkadonk, the Holy Grail of Grabbable Glutes, that Bountiful Bastion of Beautiful Backside known as Biel, Jessica. And so now here we are. Not much more to say besides, "I do."

Oh and I almost forgot one more. The missing link in booty evolution. MAN!:

No list of ladies with famous derrières would be complete without mention of Josephine Baker, or "Black Venus." She was a star of vaudeville, Broadway, and the Folies Bergères in Paris, where she enthralled folks such as Hemingway, Picasso, and Langston Hughes with her "danse sauvage," in which she wore little more than a skirt of bananas.

So many of today's upstart divas and do-gooders have bit her style. For instance, she sauntered around town accompanied by her pet cheetah, Chiquita, in a diamond collar. (Chiquita would have eaten Tinkerbell for breakfast!) Later she adopted twelve children of various races and was an outspoken advocate of Civil Rights. (Angelina, you've got a ways to go.)

You really ARE TAN!! Love that hairy little belly too - too yummy.I appreciate the history of ass, thanks! I don't think those lyrics you copied there are from "I Like Big Butts", if that's the song you are talking about, but thanks all the same, you made me crack up!!

But I am wondering why we Indians do not appreciate "ass" as much... especially when most Indian women could easily compete with J.Lo in this department?? I never heard of any Indian celebrity being praised for it. "Familiarity Breeds Indifference" I guess

I don't think enough people are clicking on the link to the wiki on Saartjie Baartman and realizing how absolutely fucked up and miserable her life was because white people were fascinated by her big ass.

uhm...i think its sad that u actually had to do a booty history...white america has been wat we Jamaicans call "bad-mind"...so much so that they decided on one more way to bring down and brainwash black people: that was to make them believe straight and flat is the new beautiful. perfect example: cameron diaz has a pretty face but how the hell is her str8, flat ass sexy?!!!! but thank you...black women and other women of colour should appreciate their beauty and curves...and u men better praise God everyday He gave you sumthin this good!!

I enjoyed this play-by-play commentary. Although I must disagree with a comment above about Vida Guerra. She would be a sub-human had there been no Jennifer Lopez, no Shakira, and no guy on the Playboy Magazine team saying, "Hey, we need more color around here!"

What kind of a Black man big-ups Jessica Beil's ass? How can you forget about old school booties like En Vogue, Olivia Brown (the sista on "Miami Vice"), Jayne Kennedy, Ola Raye and today's booties, Keisha Cole, Serena Williams and the video girls (Melyssa Ford, Buffie the Body, Esther Baxter, etc.). I was with you on Venus Hottentot. But, I can't respect any brother who puts a White girl in the topic of ass. Get yourself a White girl and get it over with.

Well dont be so bitter people there are plenty of talented "mixed" people with beautiful big juicy ass like Kim Kardasian (she is just a rich Ho) and that amazing singer Eliza Neals who is also Armenian. Something about the way Eliza's booty moves when she sings wow

Yeah, Kim Kardashian really should be on the list. Yes, a lot of great asses have been mentioned, but an argument can't really be made for then "changing America," with the exception of Christina Hendricks, whose figure has caused a huge sensation in the media and who has kind of become a very positive poster girl for violently curvy women. I think the "skinny" thing is on the way out for a while, and I believe her influence a big part of why. That's nation-changing.

And Kardashian's ass is only one of the most talked-about things of the last few years. She's a girl who has become a giant celebrity solely because of it and the porn video where she worked it and then got nailed in it. Because of the amazingness of her ass, somebody actually her whole damn family a TV show. It's one thing to have talent of some degree along WITH the ass like Marilyn, J.Lo, Biel, and the others, but the amount of notoriety this girl has attracted JUST because she has a huge ass is kind of amazing. I've met a LOT of white guys who were closet booty lovers and they publicly went buck-wild for Kim. She has united the country in bootyness.

What I find pretty amazing is that the average black woman has always had a booty, even when America touted the flat white girl's ass as something to which we should aspire. J-Lo came onto the scene and everyone acts like she invented the booty.

One no-fail method for breaking out of blogger’s block is to pick another blog that you really like and say nice things about it.

Seriously, that’s it.

Now, you don't have to start with my blog...

www.WHATMAKESITBETTER.blogspot.com

...but I would like all you talented writers, that may have come to "writers/bloggers block" to start somewhere!

Anywhere!!!

I realized that even if you were completely stuck in the doldrums of blogger’s block, you could always pick another blog to say something nice about. It’s like an instant post formula! We sometimes need a change of pace, a refreshing alternative, new inspiration from literary exploration and admiration of great authors will do the trick!

Has your mother ever told you that if you couldn’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all? Well, this is the same idea, but flipped on its side: if you can’t say anything at all, then say something nice! Not only is this a sure-fire method to come up with an idea for a blog post, you will also make somebody’s day...I'm starting with you...

ASS...AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!

You are great and talented, i really enjoyed reading your posts. You really gave me something to think about. You have a book inside of you. I hope you can read my posts and be inspired to write, as i have become, viewing your blog. Take care of yourself, God bless you and your family.