Wendy, the tenured passive-aggressive receptionist at the office, has finally published her scandalous book, A Secretary’s Secrets. This 345 page tell-all details the hottest office gossip while giving away absolutely no solid information whatsoever. Each chapter drips with drama: office romance, money laundering, and conspiracies against the CEO, with no concrete details or hints strong enough to guess who the author could possibly be talking about.

Chapter 3, titled “Time Stealers,” uncovers the shocking truth behind a glitch in the payroll system that one department has been taking advantage of for nearly 4 years. Which department? Wendy doesn’t dare say.

But that’s nothing compared to Chapter 12, “Herpes Among Us,” which implies that the author read an email containing the names of 13 employees on the same floor who all have the same sexually transmitted disease. Which floor, you wonder? The only hint Wendy includes is that it’s certainly not her floor [the lobby].

The last chapter of the book, “My Baby’s Real Father,” is by far the most jaw-dropping, with a reveal that left us gagging, but told no one in the office the name of Wendy’s baby daddy.