A personal release from the ties that bind.

ex-husband

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I’m done crying and I am done trying. I am done listening to the narcissist’s constant spew of ever flowing lies. It’s making more and more sense.. The lies, the twisting and the debilitating way he preys on my kindness and understanding with no remorse, guilt or admission. He moves on to his next victim as he entertains and dances his grandiose version only he thinks of himself and which he tries to portray to his children and closest enablers. The selfishness in hurting your own children in this manor should be an act punishable by law. It clearly is child endangerment, mental harm and setting them up for a life of disillusion, confusion and trauma and ultimately recovery or a life of hell.

Yet nothing will be done. They will fall through the cracks of our intensely messed up society and continue a life long trail of harm. Because there is ALWAYS another victim to replace you. Always.

Ultimately a breech of contract within our own ten commandments surly punishable for an after life in hell with their father, Lucifer.

How does one wrap their head around this calculated and masterminded torture that starts from the very moment you fall for their false persona? How does one make sense of this? Educate yourself, take a look at yourself and if you see you are always hurting in your relationship with occasional bouts of happiness with someone. If you keep changing to make things work yet it’s never enough and there is always a higher bar, always just out of reach and never acknowledged. If you are a positive and optimistic person who is pulled down constantly by their negativity. If you find yourself believing in their potential more than they do, yet that doesn’t come to light until they no longer can suck anymore life out of you or when they see you’re catching on and standing up for yourself. Then, you are no longer any good to them and they will leave you. Then you look back and you see it’s been years in the making. You wonder how in the hell all of this happened?

It happens because you are a kind, loving, emotional, giving and positive human being with a soul. That’s why they seek you out. If you lived in a toxic environment growing up infused with alcoholism, mental and physical abuse you are a target. Don’t second guess yourself. Ever. You are the target. It will change your life more than you could ever even possibly visualize or fathom. Until the day the relationship ends and you see how quickly they move on to the next victim as though you are absolutely nothing to them.

They get you to go through a phase where you are trying to explain how you know what’s happening, you bargain to work with a counselor because you dove in so deep educating, trying to find a reason for the constant chaos, then you realize it was their plan all along. They sense your coming to terms and they start to retreat. They surround themselves in the company of their enablers and reclaim their pedestal. Abandoning you. If you’ve been set up over a long period of time you may be so invested, financially it will take everything in your power to be released from their grip. You can and you will. You are fighting for your life now.

Life shattering.

This is the only way I can explain this new found information. How it all comes together to make perfect sense in it’s true timing. Do not and I repeat DO NOT think poorly of yourself for falling into this awful trap. It’s extremely deceiving and you really are being preyed on for your gift of empathy, your caring, honest and loving personality. DO NOT change this about yourself! Be single until you have dealt with the damage, processed and moved forward from it. You need to make sure you don’t fall for this again! I see all of the red flags looking backwards now.. I see all of the “hooks” he used to keep me constantly hoping for a partnership and family life. It would never happen this I have now learned.

I will not allow myself to be in this type of relationship ever again. That means my eyes are wide open, my lessons have been learned and I will conquer my past blind mistakes. I am using my pain to push me forward. I am finally standing up for myself. I was traumatized throughout my childhood and into my adult years by my own blood. I trusted in them to not hurt me. I learned from a very young age and by their teachings on what love is..

THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!

This is what you do. You pick yourself back up, you dust yourself off and straighten that crown! You distance yourself as much as possible from them. Mark my words, if you don’t, they will pull you back in and play off your emotions, trust, heartbreak and pain. They are testing their boundaries with you. They will lie to you, they will guilt you and they make you feel like they want the same out of the relationship. When in fact they don’t want anywhere near the same as you. They are so emotionally dead inside they are not able or capable to love. They are so weak and damaged and they will never ever do anything to change it! They are content moving from one victim to the next and never having to face their demons. They will never see their wrongdoings nor will they ever fully admit to them. I fell for the partial smoke screen admittance, don’t do it! They will eat you alive if you let them.

Physically, I can feel the burning flames and see the clouds of smoke, smoldering around me that I am left and abandoned in and struggling to breathe. Holding onto my children for dear life, giving them any ounce of oxygen I have left to give. He casually walks away, as if to have thrown the final match, never once turning back for even a glimpse. A glimpse would mean he has feelings, emotion or empathy. He is dead inside. He has not an ounce of emotion for others let alone for himself. It’s “His way or the highway.” He walks away from the burning flames and into the arms of the new embers he has so delicately and meticulously cared for in preparation to throwing that final match.

He goes on, never looking back and never having any regrets…for now.

Remember this…

Actions truly speak louder than words. And this goes for ourselves and others.

Everything we think we have stuffed or buried within ourselves or ran from will catch up to us…one day it will ALL catch up!

I can tell you this much, ending a 22year relationship isn’t easy, it’s absolutely fucking heart wrenching! How does someone suddenly stop all conversation and treat you as though all those years meant nothing, not a God damn thing!? I feel like I put every ounce of myself into the relationship to constantly battle issue after issue after issue. I loved so many things about him when he was sober. When he looked at me with love and compassion, when I meant something to him.

Now I’m absolutely nothing to him.

He is so cold. Even in a break-up I could never in my life be so cold to another human being. How do you just drop everything and start fucking someone new and bury any and all emotion to our relationship? I have to remind myself that by being a narcissist is how you do this. Yes, I see all the evidence right in front of me yet it seriously doesn’t take away the absolute devastation and heart break I am feeling right now.

Why can’t I just let go? Why do I have to grieve the hardest I’ve had to grieve yet other than my mothers death? Why am I grieving a person who for the past two years has treated me with nothing but disrespect, control and manipulation. Like a puppet. Why did I have to be the person to see his potential and hope more than ever one day soon he would see it also? My dreams were for us. For our children. Our family.

Now it’s gone, over and done. Just like that.

I feel like you can be so open and honest with a person then have them use it against you to make you feel awful only to support their shitty behavior towards you. Then spend so many years going through some of the most difficult times with each other and supporting the person to become the best version of themselves that they can be and then just be shoved aside as though all of it meant absolutely nothing at all. How can people be so cruel? Why?

It’s been a very hard day for me since a message from him earlier this morning. I clearly see he has put me in the past and moved forward. He quit. And it brought on instant flowing tears on and off all day and evening.

I feel like it was all a lie.

And the truth is we were toxic together, yet why do I still see and feel that th is shouldn’t have ended like this? I’ve realized my codependences and I have done everything to learn how not to be that way and my actions prove this. He agreed with everything I learned on what he was dealing with to help him. He would listen and talk a little about it and agree. Yet there was never any action behind the words.

My head is spinning and I want this heart break to end. I want to shut it out or deal with it anything to make it take it’s course as fast as possible so I don’t hurt so terribly bad any longer.

It’s crazy because about three months prior to our ending I noticed the way he looked at me. It was the look of sadness. The look of distance. It was the look of guilt. I knew something was off then and I asked him yet he always denied it. I feel like that’s when he was securing his next “fix” and knew he was going to say good bye to me in the near future. His eyes showed more than he could ever imagine. I knew this man very well yet now, I feel like I’ve never even met him before.

Something doesn’t feel right, he’s never been like this and it worries me that this is the calm before the storm kind of situation. He’s too calm.

My brain is finally slowing down from writing and getting this all out of my head so while I have some peace, I think I’m going to get some sleep. Speaking of which, months ago I awoke from a very vivid dream involving him with another woman, his mother was in my nightmare also supporting him and it felt as though she was behind the demise of our relationship in my dream. It was so real I woke up crying so hard I could hardly breathe.

Now my reality that I am living is that nightmare I had..

I’ve always had a sixth sense or premonitions when it comes to bad things happening. I pick up on others energy or changes in a persons voice or actions and mannerisms when it isn’t something good… I ignored the ones I’ve had the past sixth months…

All because I trusted he loved me as deeply as I love him. I believed he would always love me. I believed he would love himself, his children and our family so much we would withstand anything and come out on top stronger and better than ever.

I was so wrong and now I am paying the price mentally, emotionally and physically.

It’s truly awful knowing essentially he planned this. He wasn’t man enough to be honest, to put in his all. He pushed me to the point I had no choice but to end the relationship due to his lack of actions and his down right being cruel to me. I can only pray he feels the guilt one day to the extreme I am feeling. And the heartache and heartbreak I am and have been feeling for months.

As much as I want to wish him the best I’ve realized today I am still far to angry for his selfishness and what it has done to us. Most of all what this has caused for our children. It absolutely devastates me.

So how am I supposed to support my son when I know the negativity he will be around with his father and his fathers side of the family. Within the first two minutes of my ex picking up our son today, our son was faced with immediate negativity. Our son was packing his backpack to take some toys with to his fathers house. He wanted to put a balloon that we got yesterday at the old car show into his backpack when instantly his father said, “You’ll never fit that in there.” I instantly said, “Yes, he will.” Guess what? Our son fit it in there. What the ex doesn’t understand is how his negativity wears off onto the children. My ex doesn’t see this to be a problem so he won’t change it.

Our thirteen year old lives with my ex due to his anxiety which is caused by being a child of an alcoholic. He has to always be around his dad and know his every move or he freaks out. His father thinks it’s because he’s such a great father and our son is just really in love with him. I’ve already noticed so many times how it has effected him. Like the times our son searched through his fathers things to find cocaine because he knew he was doing it. He always found it. The first thing out of his mouth is always no, you can’t do that, that’s impossible. Never anything positive and I think it’s really important to watch this type of behavior around children. They are sponges, they will start acting out these negative behaviors, they already do. I guess with children I feel they can be helped. Adults are already so damaged and weak they would continue to live this way rather than putting in the work to change and become healthy, to deal with the excruciating pain they have stuffed down deep inside. Children still have a chance to understand and work through the issues.

You’re probably wondering why I allow my son to live with his father. My son is thirteen, he doesn’t want to change school districts and leave all of his friends. I wouldn’t want to either it makes for an extremely tough transition meeting completely new friends at this age. Another issue is that my son needs therapy to understand what is happening by being a child of an alcoholic, he needs help understanding that the anxiety will lessen if he is no longer in such a chaotic environment.

He needs to know that there are many different things making him feel the way that he does. His father has deep rooted issues and his way is not healthy and it does affect the children. This is why I am making sure I don’t back down to making sure my boys are taken care of in the healthiest way possible. I was terrified during our divorce and after due to the intimidation my ex and his mother put me through. Not this time.

Notice how I didn’t say, “rough days?” That is because I realize how we need to feel these moments whether it is a moment of joy, happiness, sadness,despair or accomplishment. We need to acknowledge these moments yet not let anyone of them control our entire day. Earlier I went way to far into my sadness, to the point of forgetting the reality of the reason for the break up. With it raining all day long I could have easily slipped into a full day filled with tears falling as quickly as the rain fell from the sky .

I didn’t though.

I instantly dove into reading and researching Co-dependency and Narcissistic relationships. I quickly was able to relate and remind myself why I am on this journey. I also was able to see how to heal from Co-dependency and become healthy. How not to pass this onto my children. Because I can tell you this is not what I would ever want for my children to have to figure out in their adult years. Thank goodness there are only literally a couple things I have said or done that would plant the seed into my children. Which I am fully aware of now and I will make sure I do not say or do certain things to them. The blessing is that somewhere deep inside, I have known how not to treat my children, by how I grew up. It was the subtle things I didn’t realize until now. I still carry deeply embedded issues within me and those are the things I am changing and working on.

I had posted earlier on how I spent so much time figuring out my ex husband that I never took the time and energy to dig into myself and my childhood. Every Co-dependent wants to “fix” everyone else and so easily can see everyone else’s problems yet it is literally impossible to take care of yourself when you’ve put so much energy into everyone else’s happiness. I am very happy to say I have no interest in wanting another relationship for quite some time because it’s going to take some time to make sure I’m taking care of myself. Repairing the damage done by the adults in my childhood.

Fuck that pisses me off!

To see right now how God damn damaging they were to me.

I was an innocent child.

It pisses me off to realize this now, when I have three children I have brought into this world, prior to realizing all of this. My biggest fear is their fathers impact on them. Especially since Narcissistic people will never change. Never ever will they change, and do not forget that. How can they change what they never see? The damage done to children by parents is unbelievable. And it’s heart wrenching to know it’s passed down usually generation after generation. Co-dependent people have a chance at least in my opinion. Narcissistic people don’t stand a chance in changing.

So make sure you really evaluate how your parents or caregivers raised you. How they talked to you and treated you. If you had an alcoholic or any trauma in the family during your beginning years make sure before you get into a relationship that you are aware of behaviors you are carrying before having children if possible. You won’t fuck them up and you’ll be such a better parent! Not to mention having a wonderful relationship and a healthy spouse/partner!

I seriously think this is a root cause of what is happening in our world. The amount of hatred, disrespect, selfishness and increase in divorce and a decrease in healthy committed relationships. The list could go on forever of negatives. How’s that for irony? It’s like a trickle down effect that just keeps getting worse. I bet there is an overabundance of Narcissistic personalities walking among each of us in this world.

Think about it…

How are all these crimes like killings, bullying, shootings, robberies, rapes, kidnappings increasing at alarming rates? A coincidence in negative behavior and Narcissistic personalities, I don’t think so. I had originally believed that is was due to parents not teaching their children respect, honesty, loyalty or appreciation. Now I’m not so sure if these are the only causes.

I would bet that behind every person committing these crimes, there is a 99.9% chance, of the person being a Narcissist with secondary or multiple disorders and/or addictions.

Mental health needs far more attention than this world is even considering.

I am terrified for my children, due to the fact that their father, has with out a doubt passed on some severe traits. Hopefully my awareness, along with their own wisdom, they will not inherit these behaviors. I have one child who I know with out a doubt is going to struggle as he is the child of an alcoholic and now I see the other behaviors/addictions he is subjected to by his father. I’ve seen with my own two eyes the lack of showing love to his boys verbally, I’ve witnessed the constant negativity that is projected onto the children by him and I would always come in to “save the day” with positivity and pointing out how my one son is always so negative. The first words out of his mouth to anything is negative and I remind him of this because it’s worrisome to see this behavior. I could feel it just by being around the two of them for an extended period of time. To the point I would have to leave as it drained me mentally and physically.

Yet I was always made the fool for pointing out these things…

I know that I stand a chance in supporting my children by offering what I have learned and by continuing to educate myself so I respond in a healthy manor to these situations with them.

The best I can do is show them through my actions and give them some “food for thought” in hopes that they are open to learning about the Co-dependent vs. Narcissistic relationships.

Their future depends on it along with their children’s futures…

Best saying I’ve learned yet,

“When you point a finger at someone, remember there are three pointing back at you.”

Start with yourself always. It took me far to long to understand why my life has always been such a struggle. When all I’ve ever wanted was a happy life, a happy and healthy family and a happy home. What I have always wanted most, was always sabotaged, and now I understand why.

A lot has happened over the course of the past few years, more downs than ups, yet what a ride it has been! You wonder why this happened or that has happened time and time again. Then you take a deep dark look at yourself.

I’ve learned my alcoholic step-father did leave a very heavy and large imprint on my life. I carried the toxic chaos with me through out my entire life. I unwillingly and naively allowed it to follow me through my life and sabotage every relationship I held so dear. Knowing what I know now, every relationship, was doomed from the beginning. It wasn’t until, of the most meaningful relationship I’ve had with a man, who I love dearly and deeply came to an end. A very long, drawn out and difficult end. It wasn’t until looking inward and trying to figure out why this relationship would not work out, no matter how incredibly hard I tried, it failed. It started with me, as most of us initially do, I was looking at him and what was wrong with him. I found out. He is a narcissist. He is an alcoholic. He is a sex addict. And more than likely has undiagnosed Autism. He also agrees.

Then I looked at myself and thought, “How in the hell did I choose a man like this?”

This is where the table turns..

I was so secretly and unknowingly broken inside that even I didn’t even realize the toxic men I was attracted to were because of living in toxicity for all of my childhood years. It’s what I knew. It’s what was “comfortable” because it was familiar. Anyone else would have been “boring” uneventful and I surly would have pushed them away.

I always thought I put the past behind me. I always felt I was going to have everything I didn’t as a child. I would not live that way in my adult years. I would be happy. My children would be happy. I would have the best relationship and family ever. Boy was I wrong. I repeated exactly what I didn’t want.

Until now.

I understand now I can’t help or fix my ex. I also know he loves me and he tried with all his might and within his capabilities to show me. I wish I could take all his pain away and start fresh with the understandings I’ve found within myself. I know this is not possible. He would have to take a personal inventory journey of his own. From what he has told me, he doesn’t have the strength to do this. I give him credit for knowing his limitations. I always have seen more in him than he has seen in himself. I know I will go the rest of my life having the gratitude of knowing him and experiencing all that I have with him.

If it weren’t for meeting him and going through all of this together. I may never have found myself where I am today. For that I say, “Thank you.”

But I’m not letting him off the hook that easily..

I think if the relationship truly meant that much to him he would have decided to put in the required work and make the changes for himself, for his children and for our relationship.

Instead he’s choosing the easy way out and that is by his own choice.

I’m not going to lie. I wish he could see what I see, I wish he had the strength to pull himself out of his own misery. But I could be completely wrong maybe he enjoys it? Maybe those deep, seemingly meaningful conversations we did have once upon a time, where all lies? I don’t know..

I do know that if you can acknowledge what you were doing wrong you have the ability to change. It’s a matter of choice..

He made his choice in not considering his children or myself. Only his selfish needs and wants.

I am a caregiver by nature. I want the best for those I love. I don’t intentionally hurt those I love. If I hurt them I try to resolve it and not make the same mistakes. So I don’t understand how it’s humanly possible for others to knowingly continue to hurt those they claim to love.

So my thank you is also a big fuck you!

I’ve learned to focus on love for myself now. I always want what is best for my children. And I will always want what is best for my ex even if he doesn’t care.

I have evaluated the roles my step-father, my step-mother, my own mother and father and their parents have played in my life. I’ve also evaluated my own choices. I now know, the choices I will make from here on out will not include the influences the above people have made in my life. I will make positive choices. I will make choices that reflect what it is I truly want in this life. I choose to leave the toxicity behind. And I pray my new found knowledge is in time for my children to make healthy choices that are for their best success.

I always told myself I wanted to be the one to “break the cycle” and look at me, here I am, breaking the cycle!

A young, innocent child is so absorbing in those youngest years. It is our responsibility as adults to protect our children. Which means we need to take accountability for our mistakes and learn to lead by being a positive role model. Not unload our baggage onto our children. It’s far to heavy for them. Christ, even we as adults barely can carry our own baggage..

This is why I am choosing to remain focused on leading a healthy, nontoxic life so my children can hopefully bypass the challenges and the hardships I have endured. I hope to be an inspiration to others, men and women, suffering in our own demise. It is something so moving to see things with new vision. I’m content. I feel at peace. I still am sad about my ex and I not staying together, goodness, all of this hard work and you would “think” we would be on the homestretch now! lol! I know we deeply love each other. Yet, love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. A lot of very hard work, understanding, compromise, respect, trust, honesty and self reflection is needed by both partners. Willingly, by both partners, not by force.

I truly believe that if more people looked at their situations, if individually they did the best they can to improve the relationship by improving themselves, more relationships would survive and co-parenting would go much smoother. Ultimately making everyone involved a lot happier!

If you take anything away from my article please take this…

If you know everything about your partner that is flawed to contribute to the relationship stressors..

Now ask yourself, “How did I choose this type of partner?”

I also suggest reading up on Narcissistic/Co-Dependent relationships. You also may have to factor in other issues. (learning disabilities, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Sensory)

It all comes down to how we choose to COPE with childhood trauma. There is a long list of addictions that stem from how we chose to COPE.

Look deep within your own past and find your answers. And know that somewhere along the way, you have made an impression on your partner. Breathe, accept what is and move forward putting the hard lessons to good use, you’ve put a lot of years into getting here!

I hope others are able to work as a team, save marriages, for some it’s refraining from marriage if these things are present in your dating history. Realize what you bring to the table. Then do the work necessary to be the best version of yourself that you can be!

To my ex,

I thank you so much for coming into my life, for giving me beautiful children, sharing those amazing times we did have together! Thank you for giving me all that you were capable of giving. I hope one day you can see what I see and genuinely be happy, you deserve to be happy! Thank you for, unknowingly, being the man I needed in my life to see what I see now. I love you and I Thank you.

(And… when you’re being difficult and cruel, I’ll still forgive you, as you haven’t seen the full journey yet and I understand this.)

So my ex-husband text me asking to take our son, who is five and autistic, on vacation four hours away for a week. Now most people would be just fine with this. I am not. I am not for the wellbeing and for the best interest of my son. My son has therapy the day they wanted to leave with him and he also has therapy the following day. Now I explained to my ex the reasons I do not feel it is safe for my son, and yes I use “my” because since the day he was born I do 200% of his care, to be away for that amount of time.

My ex has never had my son overnight without me in his entire life. When my ex has had him for longer than three hours something is always an issue and my son tells me when he gets home. He has a brother who has major behavior issues and when he acts up it effects my youngest. My youngest complained that Dad didn’t stop the older son and it hurt his feeling and it made him scared when they were yelling. I have seen first hand and my older child was always told if he wanted us over he needed to stop the behavior or we would leave. Sometimes his behavior changed for the better and we stayed, other times it became worse and we would leave. Now mind you during all of the confrontations my ex wouldn’t say a word and if he did it would be him swearing and yelling at our older son.

I have been to the cabin they use up north and I have been there to first hand witness how grandma allows the children to drink alcohol as does my ex. These kids are all underage. Now this year my step son is the only one of the kid of age to drink. Previous years I have seen my volatile ex brother in law drinking and freaking out at any given moment. I have seen my ex drinking with the kids. He acts like he is one of their friends and he is back in high school.

I’ve witnessed constantly how drinking delays dinner and usually it’s burnt or over done due to lack of judgement by either my ex or his brother because they are intoxicated. I’ve witnessed my niece who has more issues than a treatment center start some sort of drama that grandma jumps in to save the day or enable.

I actually left for a day with my son because it was all so overwhelming to be around them and the tension was causing my son so much stress we had to get out and do something away from all of them.

I realized after reading this I had not finished writing! ugh, that tells you exactly where my mind has been lately!

So I declined to have my son go with his father and his grandmother up north because I don’t feel it’s in the best interest for my son nor is it in the best interest of his safety. His father didn’t put up much of an argument yet his grandmother felt the need to ask me through Facebook messenger. She felt the need to tell me how I need to think of them and their wants. Not once mentioning Keagan’s needs or best interest. I decided it was best to not entertain her and I have not been responding to her messages bullying me. I don’t think she will ever understand and I absolutely am not the one to be able to have her understand. There is far to much hatred from her to me. She would never fully listen or understand.

My son has a medical diagnosis of Autism. She refuses to believe he is not what some would consider “normal” when really what is the idea of normal anyhow? The problem is she refuses to believe he needs the added help and therapy. She chooses to make this about me and that I’m going “overboard” with his treatment and care. Her idea is, “He’s going to school in the fall.” so he’s just fine. She has no idea what it takes and has taken to get him to school. In that I mean the struggles I have faced and continue to face. Do I mainstream my son? Will he do alright? Will the kids break him and discourage his amazing desire to achieve and be the brightest light in the room? He gets so upset when he doesn’t understand social situations and this hurts him. He retreats. He doesn’t understand. Mom and his therapists are the ones to teach him coping skills, to give him the love I need to as a mother.

It’s not just as simple as signing him up for kindergarten for he or I. Especially when his father is threatening to stop paying for where we live, knowing I can’t afford it, which is also very scary. I have less than a month to figure out school. I have to consider therapy, IEP meetings, transportation, care before and after school. I have to find a new place for us to start making memories, a new place that is scary for not just myself but for my son. Change isn’t a strong area for him as he is greatly attached to people, places and items. All of these things that neither his father or grandmother even consider. They have not been a part of his care at all. They hardly see him and they have so much hatred towards me. All I am concerned for is my sons continued therapy and his wellbeing. I’ve also learned to focus on my health and my happiness. No longer letting those who aren’t involved try to harden me.

It would be nice if people in this situation would truly put my son’s best interest, happiness and wellbeing first. Because that is truly the only thing that matters…My son.

So the time has arrived to let go for once and for all. Twenty-one and a half years. Over. The time came to make a choice for my son and myself. Was I going to stay in a relationship that was not progressing and was toxic or was I going to let go of it and head into the unknown?..

We had yet another episode of him drinking and it affected our son who has Autism along with affecting me even further.. It’s as though it was the final push for me to voice it and in doing so his mother found what I had written and she shared it with him. Which in return ending the relationship. What did it say? Well it was another blogger I follow and he had asked a simple question.. “Right here Right now tell me the 100% honest truth.” So I did.

I wished I had a career and that I would have done more in my earlier years because now I am facing a real struggle. I’m living in a townhome that my ex husband pays for, which I GREATLY APPRECIATE for my stress level and the sake of not uprooting our Autistic son. The reality is I can’t afford it on my own. I don’t want to move for my son’s sake, this is the only home he’s known and he is to start kindergarten in the fall. I said that I felt stuck and I wanted out of the relationship due to his drinking and not being present emotionally even after I had literally been begging him for months, actually years looking back.. He felt writing a check was to cover everything it takes to make a relationship. And this was nothing I hadn’t said to him not even four months prior. For years for that matter! Something had to give and it had to give quick as I was at a crossroad of no longer being able to live this way and in this type of relationship. I have tried everything possible to make us work.. I truly believe he checked out years ago, two to be exact, as that’s when I still tried after he blatantly cheated on me twice. And lied right to my face over and over the first time. Then seven months later our kid walked in on him with his friends, recent, ex-girlfriend. Oh but wait, he’s a sex addict who was drunk and high on cocaine so there has to be an exception right? Always alright if he does something hurtful, always a reason it should just be swept under the rug. My mistakes oh hell every time he was angry mine were front and center of topic. Hypocrite.

I have written so many heartfelt letters essentially begging him to be present in our relationship, to respect me, to include me and to show me he wants our relationship to continue. I’ve taken long hard looks at myself and changed the things I could for the better and no matter what, it was never good enough for him. Always something else I wasn’t doing right or not appreciating in his words. Narcissist…ya think?

I am starting to understand as I let go. I was very codependent when we met and over the past few years I’ve worked on me, hoping to progress our relationship for the better, yet it didn’t work out that way. I’ve learned he is a narcissistic alcoholic who absolutely has traits of a sociopath. Along with his immediate family members having very toxic beliefs and actions along with distorted realities paired nicely with many other toxic traits. For one, a mother who made many awful choices needs to understand she doesn’t a “second chance” to fix her mistakes by acting as though the grandchildren are her own children. I’m pretty sure I didn’t marry, divorce or fuck her to have my children so I’m pretty fucking sure I do not need to consult or include her on how I raise my children. Oh wait! I forgot, she pays for their schooling so that means in her eyes she gets control, forgive if I misunderstood. Yeah, honey that’s called “strings attached” and that is the only way she knows to “help” someone. It’s pretty tough I’m sure for her to accept her choices that hurt her children when they were young. I mean having an affair on your husband who is an alcoholic and leaving two young boys with him then returning later in their life surly wasn’t enough to fuck them up, why not add all the money you inherited to hold over their heads to get your way to top it off? Sounds perfectly fucked up to me. She had her chance and she continues to make awful choices, she puts her opinions where they are not warranted or wanted and ultimately affect her sons and her grandchildren for her personal satisfaction. Wicked and sick. It’s sick how she put her sons in situations where ultimatums were given if they didn’t do what she wanted. It’s sick how she treats the mothers of her grandchildren. The grandchildren see this. They feel it and know it yet that doesn’t matter to her because she has her own agenda and that clearly is all that matters. Again, sickening.

I can’t believe the things my ex mother in-law has said and done towards me. Here is one example. So her son and I become pregnant when our youngest was fifteen months old, of course he and I freaked out. Well he cries to mommy how this isn’t what he wanted and blah blah blah so she tells me how I need to have an abortion! Totally freaked the fuck out on me because her baby at the age of 42 years old hasn’t figured out how to prevent a baby. Sadly I miscarried days after her awful confrontation. Karma struck quite quickly, her dog was mauled and killed a week later. The sad part was I couldn’t find one ounce of empathy for her due to her pure cruelness to me over a HUMAN her GRANDCHILD who died a week prior. My therapist was in awe herself. I have learned by having awful step-parents and an awful mother in-law exactly how NOT to be either of those people in life. Thank you for that.

No wonder anything I tried to do to make it a positive and healthy relationship failed between my ex and I. No wonder I doubted so many things I knew to be true. How on earth did I not see the destruction when voicing my personal concerns how it always was spun to be about what I did to hurt his feelings and how everything about me was brought into it and by the end of the conversation my feelings or his part in hurting them were never acknowledged. My head would spin trying to keep up with his roller coaster conversations. To the point it ended with me not being appreciative some how.

Mindfuckery.

That is what it was. I wish I would have known what I know now, before investing so many years to be so heartbroken and essentially abandoned by him, the man I thought would protect me, raise a family together with, support me emotionally and want the best for our future. I was wrong.

Now I’m left knowing I have to let it go. Yet it doesn’t change the fact it hurts like fucking hell.

It hurts even more to know I was always chasing potential. I was always seeing what I thought any human would work towards in a relationship. Working towards that bond that is so strong and a love that prevails all. Raising children together, planning the future and having my best friend.

I was wrong.

I have a great and huge heart. I want the best and I somehow have picked disasters to date or marry. I get that my childhood plays a part yet I think it’s a part that’s so interwoven even I wasn’t able to differentiate. Then BAM I’m sideswiped by the reality the past twenty-one and half years was leading up to this master disaster.. unreal.

So my question now is this, how to do you let go? How do I make sure this type of person stays as far away from me as possible and I never ever date someone like this again? Because I don’t want this in my life. I don’t want to be in a relationship for so many years only to find the other person is so deeply flawed they themselves don’t even want to change.

I’m afraid to trust.

I’m scared that I’ll shut out anyone with good intentions and who genuinely wants the best for me. I’m afraid I won’t be able to see the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” again..

And after this long I can’t tell if I need to go out and have a fling just to get him out of my mind? To satisfy MY needs for once? Yet I know that would only be for instant gratification and would carry it’s own guilt. How the hell do you even date now days? I’m dead serious.. I feel like a damn tsunami rolled though my heart and soul and I’m left clinging to a tree with no one around..

There should be a special place in hell for people who damage your soul so badly. Or karma should make frequent visits to them for life. I’m angry and I’ve earned that right.. I just don’t understand how people can be so cruel.

You see I’m trying to get to acceptance as quickly as possible because I do get it. I want to bypass being so hurt, sad and angry. I want to put the intermittent flare ups of anger towards him in the past so I can move forward. Forward to what I don’t have a damn clue.

I do know in time I want a meaningful partnership free of verbal and emotional abuse. Free of alcoholism. Free of narcissism.

I want a partnership that love truly grows within and we each encourage each other to grow into the best version of ourselves that we can be! I want a happy family. A healthy family.

So for now I’m going to focus on myself and getting my self educated enough to not make this same mistake again. And hopefully one day I’ll meet the one who will show me exactly why none of the others ever worked out.

I haven’t written in awhile and I think I’ve had so much building up it’s time for a new post.

I’ve been doing so much reflecting it’s just crazy..

When we we got divorced it was such a whirlwind of chaos and looking back I feel we both gave up to soon..we didn’t fight for what we should have..us and our family.

I don’t know any other couples whom after they divorce…(even during for us)..who through all the anger and hurt each caused eachother..still want eachother with great passion and understanding like we share.

I thought we each would part ways..meet other people and start new lives. That’s not fully the case for us..here we are eight years after our divorce and still connected..

Sixteen years we share…sixteen years of history and history is what makes a relationship. I hate being called the ex-wife…I despise calling him my ex-husband. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if we both didn’t care for eachother more than ex’s should..

I do know I have changed emotionally for the better, I still have my flaws, yet I know I’m heading in the right direction for me personally.. I am confused as to where to go from here….all I can think is go with the flow and what shall be will be in it’s due time.

Enjoy the moment and moments as they come between he and I…that’s what I’ve come to realize….time will tell.

Well folks…I gotta say he (ex-husband) sure duped me. He has fully and completely broken my heart this time.

I found out today as I am bringing our son to hockey what he got so emotional about the other night. He over heard his grandmother talking to her friend and knew something was up..in fact his father slept with her gardeners sister while on the trip to Hawaii…

Nothing like he and I sleeping together for the past three months and him coming over to my place and having sex after Hawaii…fucking makes me want to puke.

I asked him so I knew where we stood..he said he wasn’t fucking anyone nor was he looking for a girlfriend.

Today after dropping our son off at hockey I text him saying, “So you slept with Amanda in Hawaii…I got it. Good luck with her.”

His reply, “Have a goodnight at work.”

Yeah….thanks.

I tried…can’t say it isn’t the hardest thing to hold back that lump in your throat, the elephant on your chest and put on a big old smile for everyone you see. And all my co-workers know something is wrong with me…they ask and I never thought I’d have to decline a hug…as I knew it would open the flood gates of hell.

I will get through this.

I hope the good lord has something better planned for me in this life because it feels as though no matter where I look my life is falling apart. It’s almost as though I have this awful black cloud that won’t leave me and I honestly wonder if it ever will.

Maybe I need to change back to my maiden name.. I kept it because I guess in the back of my mind I thought one day we would actually work through our bumps..or maybe when his mom kicked the bucket..apparently it’s not just her that’s the problem. Now he has become a liar… I think it was his way once and for all to get back at me for filing for divorce as that broke his heart more than ever…I’ve never heard the end of that either.

I’m unbelievably heartbroken right now..but “This too shall pass.”

I feel quite broken and lost right now yet I know it can’t last forever and this will be the true test of when one door closes another opens.