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Wake me up before you Go-Gojam!

The Anna Raccoon Archives

by Anna Raccoon on April 5, 2014

Gojam, the ever present, malodorous, spiteful, demanding, unreasonable, illogical, presence in my life, who had no other function in life than to spout bile, has been given his marching orders. From Tuesday afternoon he will be consigned to the dustbin.

He has been by my side for six months; demanding that my every waking moment – and his chief pleasure has been waking me at 3am and then again at 6am – is devoted to attending to his needs. I couldn’t walk out the door without thinking of him first – what might he need during my absence from home base? Food? Nappy change? I carried a bag of tricks to amuse him, cajole him, coax him into allowing me a few hours of freedom.

He left me dependant on others, but fearful of the germs they might harbour. Tired, dispirited – and permanently hungry, for Gojam resolutely refused all food except fish and rice – with a glass of water to go with it. I can count the days on which he grumpily agreed that I might eat an egg. I dreamt at night of asparagus, lettuce, onions, garlic, a steak, perhaps a leg of lamb – and I have never been that interested in food, but my dreams became techni-coloured visions of gloriously elaborate recipes.

When I brought him home from the hospital, they said that he was to be my companion for a month, maybe six weeks; the six weeks became six months. He’s been poked and prodded and admired by strangers on a weekly basis – they love nothing more than telling me to get my clothes off so that they can have a ‘proper look’ at the foul Gojam. They love him, he is everything they could ask of a bag of sh*t.

I loathed every inch of him, despised everything about him. He was a walking reminder that I had become a ‘victim’. A ‘victim’ of cancer. Something out of my control, that sheer bloody mindedness and determination could do nothing about. It’s a terrible place to be for someone with my personality!

But he’s going. He’s going because Madame Raccoon, after a week of tests and indignities, has been pronounced en rémission! I have never heard those words before. In two and a half years, all I have ever heard is ‘perhaps’, ‘maybe’, ‘too soon to tell’, ‘we’ll see’, but late last night, after my final appointment, they said the magical words. En rémission, Madame! – and asked me when I would care to see the back of Gojam. I said ‘tonight’.

The surgeon flicked through his diary (this is France, none of that nonsense about you’ll get an appointment in the post!) and apologised that he couldn’t fit me in until Tuesday…would that be acceptable?

So it is with great joy that I write this post today. I am so happy I could burst. Finally, finally, en rémission. Keep this up for five years and they will declare that the bloody Scanner is no longer part and parcel of my life. I can practise going out somewhere and not taking my clothes off as soon as I get there….

I want to thank you all, particularly, and specifically, those of you who take the time and the trouble to comment on my ramblings. You have no idea how important you have been to my struggle to get through this. I have never been interested in the ‘stats’, that record of how many have read a post, it is immaterial. It is those of you who comment who have made this blog into a virtual pub.

You have given me the opportunity to be more than a ‘patient’. You gave me the motivation to climb outside of real life, go in search of interesting things every day, learn more of the world. You have argued with me, corrected me, disagreed with me, encouraged me, supported me – which is more like real life than life as an indulged, pitied, vulnerable, cosseted ‘patient’ ever could be. I could never put into words how grateful I am. Neither could Mr G, as it happens, his life would have been even more of a waking Hell over the past two years had you not been there to distract me.

Before you take this opportunity to correct me one more time – I know! I’ve just gone in search of an image of the bald headed, fish eating, bile belching Gojam – and discovered that he was called Gollum actually, not Gojam.

Makes no difference now, whatever the eejit is called – he’s go-go-going.

Ms Raccoon is happy to announce that she will be off-line for the next ten days, whilst the Bergonie restore me to God’s original design, and fashion some of the missing bits out of God knows what – I’m not going to ask!

I have to stay there until I have learnt to do more than just talk out of my backside…

Be seeing you – Bionic Raccoon will return. It has all cost about six million as it happens – old Francs.

Brilliant news Anna – my heartfelt congratulations! This will be a hospital stay where you’ll be entering with a positive mind-frame, will likely take some time adjusting to everything “back in place” but so what – hey – you kicked the bastard to kingdom come – excellent job girl!

Brilliant news! We will soon be making our usual Springtime trip to la Belle France and your good news will make it even more pleasurable than usual. Well done for sticking it out, Mr G also. Look forward to hearing from you later.

Absolutely delighted for you Anna, your great news made my day. I hope all goes well on Tuesday and that you will soon be home, enjoying life to the full with Mr. G and keeping us all informed and amused. Maybe Jim did fix it for you with his crufix after all ! Carol

Just spent all day cutting down, then chopping up, a very mature and very gnarled mulberry tree, successfully avoiding the phone-line which meanders its way through a small forest – after a full day of chainsaw, bush-saw and secateurs, I needed a lift. Just got it.

I’d never accuse La Raccoon of being very mature and very gnarled, so she’s certainly not ready to be cut down yet. Here’s hoping we can all now be confident of enjoying her luscious, if a little tart, fruits for many seasons to come.

I just opened a bottle of tasty red to celebrate – next time the bar’s open, have one on me, Mr G, you deserve one too.

The support you feel you have received from all posters is as nothing compared to the support and inspiration you have given to others by your integrity, honesty and just downright cussedness. Long may you continue.

Now how many bags of pork scratchings will I need to last me for 10 days?

There is justice in this world after all – and not just for VICTIMS! And the relationship between we and thee has been mutually beneficial, believe me. You’ve been both Woodward and Bernstein to me this past year, Anna, and no doubt to everyone else making their little contributions to the cause. Pop a few corks for me. You’ve earned every bottle!

Great big thumbs up for you! Don’t ignore the effect your posts, your tilting at windmills, your scurrility and general bloody mindedness (coupled with flashes of humane tenderness) has had on us lesser mortals. You go get fit now, and return in even better fighting form.

My Oh My. It’s a horrible, dreary, wet Sunday morning, here in England but that little bit of news just burst through like a ray of spring sunshine I very rarely comment anywhere these days, all though my daily blog read still numbers in the hundreds. For bloggers past (myself), present, and future you are nothing short of an inspiration. I wish you the swiftest of recoveries. Much love to you and the ever stoic Mr G, and a note of thanks for somehow managing to battle this horrible disease whilst also finding the strength and time to keep blogging and fighting the good fight.

You are well worth 6 million old francs Anna. I hope all goes well for you too. My sister in law got her version of Gojam too, a few short weeks ago. I pray she has as much go in her as you have, to repell this nasty visitation.

Thank the Lord!…and for once, just once, I’m not being blasphemous! *E-hugs your knee caps*

” apologised that he couldn’t fit me in until Tuesday…would that be acceptable?”

Yeah the Secretary of German’s Finest Professor For Gastroenterology couldn’t understand why her apology that the Herr Doktor couldn’t see me for a fortnight and ‘did I mind?’ put me in an hysterical fit of laughter – the sort of laughter that only someone reared in the ‘envy of the rest of the world’ health care system can laugh.

Anna… this is the BEST news! As I have said before (and will, no doubt, say again) ‘…Raccoons is tough buggers, Raccoons is.’

You have thanked us for supporting you through this but… this is a two way street Madame, as your ‘ramblings’ are a very important source of comment and information, so ‘the equities are equal’ – to misuse a phrase that you will no doubt be familiar with.

I wish you the very best of health and a glorious future and will go right now and celebrate, by way of a fresh cup of Tea!

Dear Anna. I am the shy one, lurking at the back listening entranced to the lively informed and intelligent conversation, but emboldened by this to say how much I admire your concern for truth over lazy myth and the clarity with which you write. And I loved the man cave. Come back soon and I will try not only to fight my way to the bar and buy you a drink but even join the conversation one day

First I read a post explaining that there is a profound difference between great happiness and joy – and then the good news here on this blog provides a real life example. I am happy for you – and also sad since I have read your wonderful and uplifting posts so often and commented so little.

A bit of good news in this sorry world. I have been following your amusing and informative essays for a long time now (well a few years) and always have worried about the hiatuses. All power to your elbow – may it always have a full glass to lift. By the way, ‘n’ that, what has happened to Gildas? Lang may yer lum reek. WJohn

I am the legal representative of the owner of “Needleblog.” I urge you to desist from maligning, by implication, my client; any further transgression(s) will have a legal consequence. Just came across your blog; too soon to say but I am impressed so far.