9 Things Never to Say to a Woman Who Doesn't Want Kids

This childless woman would be happy to never hear these comments again.

1. "That's so sad!"
The end of Where the Red Fern Grows — now THAT'S sad. My happiness with my life just as it is, on the other hand, is pretty great; no violins needed, thanks!

2. "How does your husband feel about that?"
Oh, dear. I knew there was someone I'd forgotten to tell.

3. "Don't you like kids?"
Very much, actually; I was a camp counselor for years, and I'm stockpiling storybooks for the kids my sisters plan to have. The fact that I'm not interested in having my own son or daughter means I can lavish my time, resources, and valuable life lessons on my friends' and family's offspring. That's quite it-takes-a-village and pro-kid, really.

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4. "But you'd be such a good mom!"
I also could have been a good doctor, maybe, and I'd definitely be a good doorstop, but neither of those are things I want to be; aptitude isn't the same thing as inclination.

5. "You'll change your mind."
That's what I said to a friend who told me he didn't want a dog. It's amazing how little some people know about themselves.

6. "How selfish."
While it's true that my husband and I love our matching designer track suits and the creepy candlelight dinners we conduct in utter silence each night more than we could ever love another person, that's a pretty intense thing to say about us, don't you think?

7. "My life would just feel meaningless without my kids."
One of the loveliest things about modern civilization is that women can respect and support each other's progress along wildly differing life paths. We don't even have to compare ourselves to each other if we don't feel like it!

8. "That's just unnatural."
So are wearing clothing, getting vaccinated, shaving one's legs, being vegetarian, and almost everything about David Bowie, and I'm a huge fan of all of those things. There are more than 7.1 billion people on the planet right now — according to the Census Bureau, a baby is born in America every 8 seconds — and I am perfectly comfortable with ignoring my body's default settings and not making more. I think humankind will be OK.

9. "Who will take care of you when you're old?"
My friends and I are going to spend our golden years in a rambling mansion shooting the breeze over complicated old-timey cocktails; we childless DINK (Double Income, No Kids) types who didn't have to foot the bill for college educations or weddings will take care of the mortgage, and those of us who do have kids and grandkids will encourage them to stop by every once and a while to make sure we're all still alive. You're more than welcome to pull up a chair.