Well, our friend, former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back, you guys. I heard that he's opening a new restaurant that will specialize in healthy, local food. People say the food is fine, but the portions look much bigger in the photos.

Yeah, Anthony Weiner is opening a new restaurant. In fact it's the first restaurant with a sign on the door that reads "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Pants, No Underwear, No Hats..." (It just keeps going. It's a long list.)

That's right, it'll specialize in local food. When people heard about it, they were like, "If I want local wiener, I'll stick to Craigslist."

Some sports news. Over the weekend, the Angels beat the Red Sox in the longest Major League game of the year after playing 19 innings. You can tell the game went way too long cuz the vendors were like, (YELLING/VENDOR) "Get your lukewarm beer over here! Ice cold hot dogs here!" The game was so long, even Ken Burns was like "This is just too much baseball."

That game was so long, that there was a 7th-inning stretch, a 14th-inning yawn, and an 18th-inning "F this."

This is cool. I saw that TV Land just launched a new version of the classic show "Candid Camera." Or as most young people put it, "I can't believe they ripped off 'Punk'd'!" (People can't think of anything original anymore!)

And finally, things are getting out of control in Times Square -- they really are. Just this weekend, police arrested two guys dressed like Iron Man, one guy dressed like Elmo, and another guy dressed like Spider-Man for disorderly conduct. Parents in Times Square were like, "You know what? Just bring back the hookers." (So much easier to deal with.)

I saw that President Obama went to the beach yesterday, while he's vacationing on Martha's Vineyard. Which got weird when he took out his metal detector to search for 16 trillion dollars in quarters. (OBAMA) "Hey look! Oh, just a bottle cap. Damn it."

A lot of people are upset that President Obama went to the beach yesterday with everything that's going on in the world. You know times are tough for Obama, cuz even the sharks were like, "I'm not going near that guy."

During a fundraiser last night, President Obama suggested that one or more Supreme Court justices may retire soon. Which got awkward when Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, "You can have this gavel when you pry it out of my even colder, deader fingers."

Here's an update on our pal, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. In a new interview, Ford said that he is still sober and he'll never be caught doing anything illegal ever again. Then he said, "Unless someone's taping me." (Then I'll get caught probably.)

Rob Ford also said that he is committed to living a healthier life, and his days of going to the liquor store are over. Which would be great, if he weren't addicted to CRACK. (We're not worried about the booze, buddy! You smoked crack in your sister's basement.)

Oh, a little controversy here. On last night's episode of "Bachelor in Paradise," it was revealed that one of the contestants - Michelle K - left the show because she had gotten involved with one of the show's producers. Other contestants were just as shocked as you were - they were like, "Someone from this show's in a REAL relationship?" (What the hell is going on?!)

And did you hear about this? Police are looking for someone who stole a briefcase with four thousand dollars worth of cash from Kourtney Kardashian. A lot of people are saying, "What's Kourtney Kardashian doing with a briefcase full of cash?" And I'm wondering, what's she doing with a briefcase? (Why not put it in a purse? Does she work at a law firm?)

Four thousand dollars in a briefcase? Did someone kidnap Bruce Jenner? (4,000 in unmarked bills or the old lady gets it!)

And finally, I saw that Taco Bell opened a new high-end restaurant this week that sells ten-dollar tacos. That's weird - usually you pay a high price AFTER you eat Taco Bell. (GROANING) "Aye Chulupa!"

I heard that both the Obamas and the Clintons attended the same party in Martha's Vineyard tonight. Although it got awkward when Bill was like, (CLINTON) "Where's the bowl with all the keys?" ("I'll start first. Is Carly Simon here?")

There's actually been a little tension between President Obama and Hillary Clinton this week. In fact Hillary called Obama yesterday to say she wasn't trying to attack him when she called his foreign policy too weak. Then she was like,"Like you were gonna do anything about it..."

Hillary also told the president she was looking forward to "hugging it out" the next time they saw each other. Although you know it's gonna be one of those awkward, shoulders-in, butt-out hugs.

President Obama is apparently back on speaking terms with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan. I guess their disagreements over Israel have made their relationship somewhat complicated. But not as complicated as the name, "Recep Tayyip Erdogan."

I don't know what to make of this. To commemorate the 25th anniversary of "Field of Dreams," the Iowa State Fair is displaying a 200-pound butter sculpture of Kevin Costner. Or as Paula Deen put it, "If you build it...I will come."

And Texas Governor Rick Perry is fueling more speculation that he'll run for president in 2016 by visiting the Iowa State Fair this week. And don't worry he's got security people all around him. Not to protect him, just to make sure he doesn't do this again.

Yeah, Rick Perry is fueling speculation that he'll run in 2016 by visiting the Iowa State Fair. Unfortunately, he hurt his chances by holding a two-hour conversation with that butter sculpture of Kevin Costner.

Here's a crazy story. This week, a group of strippers held a topless protest outside of a church to get back at the congregation for protesting their strip club. And I'm no expert, but I think that's the textbook definition of "tit for tat." (Tit-for-tit?) Tats? Tats for tit?

Of course it's what's going on in Ferguson, Missouri. Its a pretty tense situation right now and it seems like it just keeps getting worse. The police have actually started arresting journalists. But when Cops saw the crew from CNN, they were like, "You guys are fine."

Plus people are still fighting about immigration. Congress is suing the President. I'm not saying things are bad, but the Middle East just sent diplomats to negotiate peace in OUR country. That's BAD.

And during all of this President Obama decided to go on vacation. And he's gotten a lot of criticism for it. Well, now Obama is now facing criticism for wasting taxpayer money to come back to work for a couple of days. Or as he put it, (CLOSE EYES, ROCK BACK AND FORTH, HUG SELF) "28 more months, 2 weeks, 4 days and 16 hours." (Just get through this!)

Actually, the White House says that President Obama won't make any major announcements during his brief trip back to D.C. this weekend. Reporters were like, "Isn't THAT an announcement?" And he was like, "DAMN it!"

Oh this isn't good. The Secret Service just arrested 13 people in New Jersey who were making counterfeit money. Which got worse when the counterfeiters were like, (OFFER BRIBE) "Are you sure this isn't something a seven dollar bill can't get me out of?"

Here's some good news. I saw that Starbucks is bringing back its fall drink the Pumpkin Spice Latte a month early this year. Because nothing says summer refreshment like a piping hot cup of caffeinated squash. (HOLD DRINK) "Jerry? Close enough."

And finally, here's a crazy story. This week, a town in Minnesota elected a dog named Duke as its mayor. Yeah, they elected a mayor that pees on the street, sleeps on the floor, and eats out of the garbage. Then Toronto said, "Been there!"

A new poll found that Rob Ford has fallen into second place in the race for Toronto mayor. Yeah, it's bad news for Ford, and even WORSE news for my monologue. (Toronto, get out there and vote! Save our show!)

A little celebrity gossip. George Clooney and his fiancée were apparently spotted this week tasting food for their upcoming wedding. Yeah, food for George Clooney's wedding. Which explains that one hors d'oevre: FLYING pigs in a blanket. He's getting married!

And I heard that ABC will air a one-hour special that goes behind the scenes to show how the movie "Frozen" was made. Yeah, they say it's all part of their plan to ruin a movie for kids. (PARENT) "You know that snowman you love? Well, here's the guy who voiced it smoking an e-cig." (SMOKERS VOICE) "I'll do one more take." (SINGING) "Let it go!"

Check this out. You like Cinnabon? Everyone likes Cinnabon. They're testing a concept store that will sell smaller cinnamon rolls. Yep, they say it's perfect for people who love kidding themselves. "I'm just gonna grab one or eight of these little guys here." (Don't wanna have that big Cinnabon. Gonna have eight of those little ones and just mush it into ball.)