WASHINGTON AC/DC -- Over five years after some sick bastard mailed dozens of letters taunting innocent Americans with the promise of scoring awesome Anthrax tickets to sweet sold out shows without leaving any hint as to how to contact the "seller" of the alleged tickets, the identity of the horrible bastard (profiled by the FBI to likely be a fan of Metallica or Lou Reed) remains a total mystery.

Whoever this bastard is, they must be stopped before they taunt more Anthrax fans with ticket sale offers to sold out shows with no discernable return address or other contact information.

The nightmare began back in 2001, with letters addressed to prominent news and government personalities. Tom Daschle, who received one of the first letters, remembered his initial excitement upon opening the envelope with the official-looking (but in retrospect, clearly forged) Anthrax logo on it.

"My first thought was, SCORE!!!!" said Mr. Daschle. "I thought I was dreaming. . . but my dream quickly turned into a nightmare when I realized that there was no indication in the letter how I could get those tickets!!!!! What kind of monster could do such a thing to someone who just wants to metal in peace?"

While there have been no letters since the initial horrifying wave of frustrated fans who couldn't get tickets to the most awesome band in the history of the universe, rumors persist that someone, somewhere, may have access to Anthrax tickets. And until those tickets are found and that sold out show is crashed by the nation's political and media elite, no American will ever be able to sleep soundly at night.