A recurring clip from the Street Fighter:The Movie indicating the villain is trying to take over the world

You know, for kids!

Said whenever a scene in a children's film shows a particularly gruesome or adult sequence, such as the sinking ship in the Animated Titanic Musical.

Alright... ELEPHANT!

Said whenever a movie runs into a chaotic or bizarre situation, tempting the Critic's patience. As this is invoked, the face of Burger King bursts in, in heavenly choir, and everything calms down.

Fe-tish mo-vie.

When a kid's movie suddenly gets erotic adult content and the Critic is confused why it's even in a kid's film. He just stares blankly and says the line, but skips it in his Small Soldiers review when he begins to say it

This calls for another "S-C-A-R-Y S-L-O M-O"!

Whenever a creepy-looking scene appears and the Critic slows down the scene and audio

Nostalgia Critic: So for weeks, we'd been waiting in anticipation, and finally the big day came. It was Saturday morning; all the kids are up, and we're hyped as hell! And who do they get to start off this ground breaking event? None other than the goddamn President of the United States himself! Oh, my God! George Bush is starting this thing off! ...Oh, my God. George Bush is starting this thing off; that can't be good. He goes on and on about how listening to your parents is important and about how to maintain the American family, but when you're a kid hyped up as hell, all you can hear is, [in child's voice] "Bla bla bla! I'm an old person! Bla bla bla! I'm keeping you from your cartoons! Bla bla bla!"

Nostalgia Critic: So after he's done blabbing, the show finally begins. And it's just like the commercials say, everybody's there. The Smurfs, Ghostbusters, Garfield, Alf... For some reason... I dunno maybe he snuck in the back, I dunno. But bottom line, everybody's there, it's unbelievable, it's a dream come true. So, now that all of our favorite cartoon characters are together in one spot, what are they gonna talk about?

Simon: Marijuana.

Nostalgia Critic: [long pause, then puts hand to ear] 'Scuzi?

Simon: Marijuana.

Nostalgia Critic: [startled off] Di.... [scratches his head] Did Simon of the Chipmunks just say "marijuana"? What... What would possess Simon of the Chipmunks to say "marijuana"? No, no no no, this... this has gotta be some kind of a mistake. I-it can't be the same marijuana we're thinkin' of—

Simon: An unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs.

Nostalgia Critic: [beat] Oh my God... Wh... Why is Simon of the Chipmunks talking about marijuana? Wh-what kind of a slap in the face is that?! I mean... Simon shouldn't know what marijuana is! Simon is one of the embodiments of childhood! He's from Alvin and the Chipmunks for cryin' out loud! Jesus, I feel so dirty! Simon of the Chipmunks just said "marijuana"! Is there any other American icon that can smash the foundations of my childhood any quicker?!

Bugs Bunny: What's this? A joint?

Nostalgia Critic: [headslap!] Why does Bugs Bunny know what a joint is!?! Bugs Bunny shouldn't know what a joint is!! If Bugs Bunny knows what a joint is, it means he knows what drugs are!! If Bugs Bunny knows what drugs are, it means the rest of the Looney Tunes know what drugs are!! AND IF THE REST OF THE LOONEY TUNES KNOW WHAT DRUGS ARE—WELL, THAT—JUST EXPLAINS TOO GODDAMNMUCH!!!!

Nostalgia Critic: I have to admit, growing up, I wasn't really a Power Rangers kid. I was more in the Ninja Turtles/X-Men kind of crowd. In fact, when the show first premiered, I remember saying to myself, "There's no way this is gonna catch on. People can't possibly be this stupid!" And this is why I'm not in the stock market. The show, about six bland teenagers, who saved the world from Japanese stock footage was such a huge hit that they eventually made a movie about them in 1995. And does it suck balls...? [mouths, "Oh yeah"] ...Major balls. In fact, the only difference between the movie version and the show was that the movie version actually has a budget. But instead of using it on mind-blowing special effects and high-tech wizardry... they use it to go skydiving. In fact, that's how the movie begins: with skydiving. Like someone threw a whole bunch of money at the producers, and they said, [in a Southern accent] "YEE-HA! We're goin' skydivin'! Bring the camera along! I'm sure we'll fit it in the movie somehow!"

Dulcea: [to Aisha] You are the bear, fierce and unstoppable. [to Billy] You are the wolf, cunning and swift. [to Adam] Adam, what's wrong?

Adam: I'm a frog.

Dulcea: Yes, a frog! Like the one you kiss [smooch] ...to get a handsome prince.

Nostalgia Critic: What the hell is that? Kissing is my superpower? You shittin' me? They get the strength and the swift and I get kissing!? What kinda bullshit is that!? Ohp—don't let her get away with that! Stand up for yourself, maggot! "Hey! Hey bitch, get back here! Where's my real superpower!? HEY! HEY!!HEY!!! Fuck this man, I'm gonna go into anime."

Nostalgia Critic: Upon hitting an asteroid, Ivan Ooze is destroyed and the Power Rangers fly off to save Zordon. But unfortunately, they're too late — Zordon is gone. If only they had gone to save him first instead of showing off their brand new fighting moves and special effects. If only... If only....

Tommy: Remember what we learned? [NC looks up] To those who possess the great power, all things are possible.

Nostalgia Critic: No, Tommy, no! That's crazy talk!

Tommy: Come on.

[the Rangers then pose all together around Zordon and transferring the powers to him]

Nostalgia Critic: Can it be?

[...]

Nostalgia Critic: Is it possible?

Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute. [record scratch] If the great power has the ability to do anything, couldn't they just use it to destroy Ivan Ooze in the first place?

[....]

Nostalgia Critic: THIS MOVIE MAKES NO SENSE!! Nothing about the Power Rangers does! How come the monsters always land at the exact same city? How come the city turns into a canyon whenever a fight scene's about to happen? How come nobody recognizes the Rangers even though they wear the exact same colors every day? How come they always move like they have Tourette's syndrome? How come Rita's voice never sounds right? How come they dress up like NASCAR mannequins? How come it's sunny in space? How come Alpha's so gay? How come Kimberley's so hot? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!?

Nostalgia Critic: Teenage Mutant Fuckin' Ninja Turtles. This is the shit. When we were growin' up, Ninja Turtles were everywhere. Comic books, TV shows, breakfast cereals. They even had a pie named after 'em! It tasted like splooge, but we didn't care; as long as it had the Ninja Turtles on it, we were happy. So when we heard they were actually making a live action movie based on this phenomenon, we proudly pissed our pants with joy. We shit ourselves with excitement. We vomited up vast amounts of excrement, shit on it, rolled around in it, put it back in our mouths and proceeded to vomit it up again in roaring anticipation. Okay, maybe only I did that. But still, bottom line, we were hyped as hell.

NC: Number 11: The wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. For many kids, the Wizard of Oz was the first movie they ever saw. So naturally, the wicked Witch was the first villain they ever came across. And man, did she freak us out, with her green skin, big nose and black attire, This wicked Bitch of the north made us all cry out "There's no place like home!" If you can believe this, this actress actually used to be a kindergarten teacher. Jesus Christ, imagine her greeting you on your first day of school!

Wicked Witch: Wanna play ball? [Throws fireball]

NC: [Screams]

NC: Number 5: The Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Good GOD was this guy creepy. When your parents said stay away from strangers with candy, this guy was probably the person they were talking about.

Child Catcher: Lollipops!

NC: He embodied everything about what children envisioned bad men looked like. In fact, to be honest, he's a little creepier now than he was back then. He looks like one of those guys you catch on Myspace trying to pick up 10 year old boys. Whatever reason he creeps you out, he's one bad customer. And my guess is he'll be ringing your doorbell reading a court-required notice sometime soon.

[The Child catcher attacks some children]

NC: AAH!

NC: Number 4: Large Marge from PeeWee's Big Adventure. This is a funny movie whether you're a kid or an adult. However there's one scene that just comes out of nowhere. It involves a truck driver named Large Marge who starts telling a ghost story about the worst accident she's ever seen.

Large Marge: And when they finally pulled the driver's body from the twisted... Burning... wreck... it looked like... THIS! [Turns to Pee-wee and makes grotesque face]

Peewee: AAAAAAAHHH!!!

NC: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! She was just telling a story, all of a sudden [Imitates Large Marge] I mean it just comes out of nowhere and catches everyone off guard, even the adults. We find out later that the Large Marge that PeeWee was riding with was actually...

Nostalgia Critic: Whoa, whoa, we're gonna hear Mario's last name? Dude, we've never heard Mario's last name before! This ought to be interesting! Cool, alright, so what's Mario's last name?

Mario: Mario!

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, now what's your last name?

Mario: Mario.

Nostalgia Critic: No, what's your last name?

Mario: Mario!

Nostalgia Critic: No, OK... What's your first name?

Mario: Mario.

Nostalgia Critic: Alright, now what's your last name?

Mario: Mario!

Nostalgia Critic: Fuck you. [turns to Luigi] What's your first name?

Luigi: Luigi!

Nostalgia Critic: And what's your last name?

Mario: Mario!

Nostalgia Critic: Shut up! What's your last name?

Luigi: Luigi Mario!

Nostalgia Critic: Those are both first names! What's your last name?

Mario: Mario!

Nostalgia Critic: SHUT IT! What's your full name?

Luigi: Luigi Mario!

Nostalgia Critic: Those are both first- OK, what's your first name?

Luigi: Luigi!

Nostalgia Critic: And what's your last name?

Mario: Mario!

Nostalgia Critic: SHUT THE FUCK-! What's your full name?

Luigi: Luigi Mario!

Nostalgia Critic: What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?

Luigi: It's Mario Mario, and Luigi Mario!

Nostalgia Critic: Are you fucking kidding me?! They couldn't come up with last names so they just used their first names again? That's like something a kid writes down when he doesn't know the answer on a test!

Nostalgia Critic: Well, let me tell you something: THIS. FILM. WAS. OKAY! Just... okay. I mean, not good, not bad, it's just... okay. How was the monster? It's okay. How was the acting? It's okay. How are the special effects? It's all okay! It's like a giant, flaming nuclear ball of ADEQUACY!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, now you shut the fuck up! The one time we actually need your advice, and you have none to give! What kind of highlander are you, anyway?

Raiden: Sorry.

Nostalgia Critic: The least you could do is tell us where he's taking her!

Raiden: The emperor's castle.

Nostalgia Critic: The emperor's asshole?!

Johnny Cage: Nooooooo!!!

Nostalgia Critic: Actually, he was referring to the mystical realms of Outworld. And no, that is not another name for San Francisco. This horrifying dimension has the incredible terror of knocked-over statues, um... knocked-over statues, and... uh... some more knocked-over statues. Oh, and a creature known as Reptile, who's kind of like a mix between Finding Nemo and Satan's ass.

Nostalgia Critc: He sounds like Peter Lorre after drinking one too many sandpaper martinis.

Nostalgia Critic: Y'know, I love the Looney Tunes. Who doesn't? They're funny, they're clever, they're unique, they're absolutely wonderful. And you wanna know what else? I love basketball. Again, who doesn't? It's fun, it's intense, it gives you a rush of energy; it's also absolutely wonderful. However, you want to be sure to keep these two elements as far away from each other as humanly possible, because if you don't, YOU GET FUCKING SPACE JAM!!! THE WORSE PIECE OF COMMERCIALIZED, HALF-BAKED HORSESHIT THAT EVER HIT THE—OK. All right, I apologize. I just really hate it when Hollywood takes not one, but two of the things that I hold so dear to me and poisons it with an undiluted urine-filled backwash that I hate so much. So with that said, let's take a look how these two wonderful pastimes got transformed into the cimematic gang-rape that lies before us.

Nostalgia Critic: So all your favourites are there for the line-up, including Bugs, Daffy, Porky, Taz, Elmer, Lola, Tweedy, Marvin th—wait a minute! [skuratchi!!] Who the fuck is Lola? Oh, wait, wait, I remember, from the classic Lola cartoons — y'know, with the... and the.... Who the fuck's Lola!? [voiceover] Lola, turns out, is a girl bunny they created to bring in more of the female demographic. Unfortunately, they didn't really make her fun, silly, goofy or zany — in fact, they didn't give her any personality at all. They just tried to pose her off as some sort of strange sex symbol. Which is kinda weird because she is, in fact, a rabbit. She's not a person, she's a rabbit. If it was a person, maybe it would make a little more sense to make her a sex symbol but she is, in fact, a rabbit.

[beat]

Nostalgia Critic: Why would anyone wanna fuck a rabbit!? What sense does that make!? Rabbits aren't sexy, rabbits are.. food! I mean, look at her — they dress her in skimpy clothes, they make her wear short-shorts — oh! And here's the biggest insult of all: they actually gave her bunny boobies. Bunny boobies!! I mean, what kind of sick, twisted pervert actually gives a cartoon character bunny boobies!? I mean, if that hasenpfeffer hussy actually has female genitalia, what does that mean the other Looney Tunes characters have?

Sylvester: [about to open locker] We've got balls!

Nostalgia Critic: STOP!!! STOP!!! Okay, alright — let me make one thing perfectly clear to all you Warner Brothers representatives out there! ..We don't want to fuck bunnies! ...I can't believe I have to say this, we don't want to fuck bunnies! I mean, we're people! Therefore we like to fuck other people! I'm sure there's some small percentage of people out there that like to fuck bunnies, but that hardly seems like a very profitable demographic!! I mean, I put it to you: Have you ever seen a bunny that you ACTUALLY had the hots for? [file photo of two Playboy Bunnies shown]THAT DOESN'T COUNT!!

Nostalgia Critic: [Skipping his usual opening line]There is no curse in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of Men for this treachery! Last week, I officially launched my new website ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com. To advertise it, I created a trailer filled with zooming text, bright flashes and some fast-speed editing. Not a few days later, I posted a detailed list of what movies I was gonna review next. First, a short tribute to Animaniacs, and then The Wizard—a 1980's film that was sponsored by Nintendo. Right now, I'm about half-way through editing and so far, no complaints. But then, less than 24 hours later, take a look at what the Angry Video Game Nerd posted on his site! [shows the trailer] Gee! It's a trailer! Filled with zooming text, bright flashes and some fast-speed editing! Oh! And it also turns out that the guy who reviews nothing but video games is also reviewing a movie! Which movie, you may ask? Well, how about The fucking Wizard? [beat] You, dirty, stuck-up, sadistic, shit-eating, cock-sucking, butt-fucking, penis-smelling, crotch-grabbing, ball-licking, semen-drinking, dog-raping, Nazi-loving, child-touching, cow-humping, perverted, spineless, heartless, mindless, dickless, testicle-choking, urine-gargling, jerk-offing, horse-faced, sheep-fondling, toilet-kissing, self-centered, feces-puking, dildo-shoving, snot-spitting, crap-gathering, big-nosed, monkey-slapping, bastard-screwing, bean-shitting, fart-knocking, sack-busting, splooge-tasting, bear-blowing, head-swallowing, bitch-snatching, handjobbing, donkey-caressing, mucus-spewing, anal-plugging, ho-grabbing, uncircumcised, sewer-sipping, whore mongering, piss-swimming, midget-munching, douche bag, ho-biting, carnivorous, mail-order prostituting ASSHOLE!!! You just couldn't let me get to it first, could ya?! You just had to steal my thunder! So, it seems that the Angry Video Game Nerd has officially become the Irate Gamer to my incredible genius! [crowd boos] OK, OK, all right... that was too far. But still, the evidence stands. I posted my list of reviews on April 21, and the Angry Video Game Nerd posted his review on April 22. That means he had to write the material, set up the shots, shoot the video, transfer it, edit it, and post it on his website, all in less than 24 hours. [beat] What kind of sick, jealous rage pushes a man to such limits?

Nostalgia Critic: I have to tell you, I had a hard time finding this damn film, not because it's rare or anything, but because there's like a million of them! How am I supposed to know where to start? There's one called Pokemon Heroes—is THAT the first movie? There's another called Mewtwo Strikes Back—is THAT the first movie? There's another one called Pokemon 2000; well, what the hell does that mean? Is it the date it came out or is it the 2,000th film? There's so damn many of them, I'd believe either one! Finally, I found it: a VHS copy of the first movie that is literally titled Pokemon: The First Movie. I mean, how cocky do you have to be to literally call your first movie "The First Movie"?! It's like they knew they were gonna have a bajillion sequels, so they decided to call it "The First Movie" just to make it easy for us! That's like naming the first Lord of the Rings film "Lord of the Rings: Don't Worry, We're Gonna Have a Shitload of Sequels". [Pikachu blinks in confusion.]

Nostalgia critic: So the Pokemon stop fighting and have a good cry at the loss of their fallen hero. But wait a minute. Oh, they CAN'T be. I mean I knew this movie was bad but, nah, it's not possible, this movie can't possibly be that stupid. OH MY GOD, THEY ARE. They're using their tears of unfathomable sadness to bring their hero back to life. Suck my balls. I mean how much more cliched can you get? And on top of that, what kind of lesson is that to teach your kids? If you cry hard enough dead people will come back from the grave? BULLSHIT. At least in a Disney film when someone is dead, they stay dead. How would you like it if in The Lion King you heard somebody say "Don't worry, Simba, if you cry hard enough, your father will come back from the grave. I don't see his eyes opening. I guess you're not crying hard enough. Go on Simba, cry! CRY! Don't you want your father to come back to life? Do you want him to stay dead forever? Cry harder, Simba. Harder. Harder! HARDER! I guess you don't love your father enough. Oh well, thats the circle of life kid, tough break".

Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, Jimmy and Corey stop off at a bus station, where they discover that Jimmy has a talent for getting high points on Double Dragon.

Corey: You got 50,000 on Double Dragon?

Nostalgia Critic: There, they come across Haley, a girl who also happens to be running away.

Haley: What's his (Jimmy's) problem?

Corey: He's just shy.

Haley: Shy a few bricks, I'd say.

Corey: Just kicked ass on Double Dragon.

Haley: Get outta here. Him?

Corey: Yeah, he could wax your tail.

Haley: No way.

Corey: Wanna bet?

Haley: How much?

Corey: Got a bus ticket? Could cash it in.

Nostalgia Critic: What kids talk like this?! I mean, seriously! They all talk like 1980's businessmen! I mean, who raised them, Donald Trump?

Trump: You're fired.

Nostalgia Critic: While that's going on, Mr. Putman finally locates the kids, outside the swimming pool at a local- WAIT A MINUTE! (Zooms in on an old man wearing a speedo) What the hell?! Who greenlighted the old man in a speedo?

Mr. Putnam: I've been followin' you across two states-

Nostalgia Critic: No no no no no no, I'm sorry, I can't focus with an old man's BUTT cheeks hanging out in the background! I mean what were they thinking? Did somebody actually look at this scene and say, "You know what's missing here? An old man's package. That would really add some much needed drama."

Nick: That's disgusting.

Nostalgia Critic: And if you think this movie can't possibly get anymore uncomfortable, just listen to this.

Haley: (Screams and points at Mr. Putnam) He touched my breast!

[Shows NC with a shocked look]

Mr. Putnam: I touched her breast...she doesn't have any breasts.

[Shows NC with an even more shocked look]

Mr. Putnam: [Being carried out by police] Put me down!

Nostalgia Critic: Nintendo. It makes you wanna touch children.

[Fake Nintendo ad]

Announcer: Now you're playing with pedophilia... and that's just wrong.

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, alright, Jimmy—the little child prodigy in the movie! Surely spending your entire life just playing video games can't get you any kind of fame. Hahahahaha...

[NC noticed something strange at this photo of Jimmy's. He mouths and spits out the marker lid. He draws two circles on Jimmy's eyes, then...]

Nostalgia Critic: OH MY GOD!!

[the glasses he had drawn on the photo became clear—that it foretold of someone quite similar to his work!]

Nostalgia Critic: [starting in low spirits] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. *sigh* Well guys, this it. The Big One. The shit stopper. The constipation of American cinema. A bowl of black edge from which nothing of any value can possibly be removed. What is said to be one of the worst films of all time. I'm, of course, talking about the indescribable terror that is Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin. [Title Card rolls] We're talking about a movie that's so bad, that lawyers are making reasonable arguments that their client's crime may be horrible, but at least they didn't make Batman & Robin, and in the remotest parts of Southeast Asia, it is still considered the number one preferred form of execution.

Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, the Batman who used to hide from the limelight and steal any hidden photographs taken of him is now making public appearances at a sexist auction where men bid on good-looking women to take out on a date. While there, they come across the seductive Poison Ivy, who blows a hypnotizing perfume that makes men bow to her every will. And as you sadly might have guessed, Batman and Robin actually start bidding on her.

Nostalgia Critic: A Bat Credit Card? [beat] They gave him a Bat Credit Card? [beat] They had the BALLS to give one of the greatest superheroes of all time a Bat... CREDIT CARD?!?! NO! NO!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!! DOES NOT COMPUTE! IT'S INSANE!! [The Critic begins to shout angry gibberish as he is restrained by an unidentified man wearing a blood-stained lab coat. The next screen says "20 Minutes Later..." before cutting back to a much calmer Critic] I apologize for that outrage. It was childish and immature. I just get a little peeved when I see one of my childhood icons carrying [inhales] A BAT CREDIT CARD???!! YOU BASTARDS!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!!! ALL OF YOU WILL DIE AND YOU'LL GET THE GAS!!! [The Critic is restrained by the doctor again, a new screen says "One Hour Later..." and we see him afterwords with a noticeably more disheveled appearance as he clears his throat, inhales and continues...] RAPE MY CHILDHOOD WILL YOU?!?!?! YOU'LL ALL DIE!!! YOU WILL ALL DIE!!! [One more time he is restrained, the next screen says "Seven Hours Later..." and he finally resumes the review with a sharp intake of breath] OK... I'm fine, I'm cool, I'm fine, I'm fine. So after Batman uses the... you know what...

Nostalgia Critic: You know what, the only thing that's missing from this is for Poison Ivy to yell "Curses!" Go on, do it! Do it! Go on, I double-dare you, motherfucker!

Nostalgia Critic: God damn this song. From the minute you hear it, it is never gonna leave your head. This song tormented so many children, I can't even explain it. You think you're trying to answer the questions on your math test, but nope, all you're thinking about is...

Singers: [singing] DuckTales, whoo-oo!

Nostalgia Critic: You think you're playing basketball with your teammates, but nope, all you're thinking about is...

Singers: [singing] DuckTales, whoo-oo!

Nostalgia Critic: You think you're about to achieve enlightenment, the pearly gates of knowledge are opening up, and all of the secrets of the universe are about to be revealed. [beat]BUT NO!!! ALL YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT IS...

Singers: [singing] DuckTales, whoo-oo!

Nostalgia Critic: It will never leave, it will never leave! It's like an addiction! You think you're over it. You think, I only know a few lyrics of the song. Uh, what is, um, [speaking the lyrics; gradually getting more fast-paced] "Life is like a hurricane here in Duckburg, race cars, lasers, airplanes, it's a duck blur, might solve a mystery, or rewrite history, DuckTales, whoo-hoo, ev'ry day they're out there making DuckTales, whoo-hoo, tales of derring-do, bad and good luck tales, whoo-hoo, d-d-d-danger lurks behind you, there's a stranger out to find you, what to do, just grab onto some DuckTales! Whoo-hoo!" I mean, once you hear it once, it will never ever go away. And you wanna know what the creepy thing is? I think this show stayed on the air strictly because of the theme song! I mean, think about it: What do you actually remember about this show? I remember Scrooge, his nephews, a pilot who crashed a lot... and that's it! I don't remember a goddamn other thing about this show! This show literally kept bringing us back simply because of the song. It is that powerful. So now that you've heard the catchiest nostalgia song of all time, tell the people. Warn them. Don't let them hear the song, because once it gets into your head, it buries its way into your brain, festering, festering, until it balloons into a gigantic ball of human waste that will eat you alive! Warn the people! Warn the people... [breaks down and cries; after a beat, he's suddenly normal again] I'm The Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

Referee: He's right! Ain't no rule that says that dogs can't play basketball!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, of course! It doesn't say in the rule book that I can't bring a dog in to play basketball. What was I thinking? And you want to know what else? I'm pretty sure it doesn't say anywhere that I can't bring rollerskating black bears in, either. Or how about professionally-trained, tap dancing orangutans? Or how about a giant, urinating elephant with one testicle who can sing the entire classical works of Andrew Lloyd Webber? Is that in the rule book? Is it? IS IT? It is? Holy shit, how amazingly specific.

Nostalgia Critic: Pee-Wee Herman talking to me about crack is absolutely HILARIOUS. If it were Paul Reubens, the actor who plays Pee-Wee, talking to me about crack, maybe that might have some merit. But, when Pee-Wee Herman, not Paul Reubens, says "This... is crack", I die a little inside. I die of laughter. And I know I look all calm and put together, but when I first watched this, I had to go through HOURS and HOURS of laughter to get to this point. That's laughter probably off the end of my life that I'll never get back. It is THAT hilarious.

Nostalgia Critic: Now, the host of this show is probably the greatest game show host that ever walked the planet: Marc Summers. Why is he so great? Well, a couple of reasons. First of all, he has to talk about total nonsense throughout the entire show and make it sound like it's intense TV. I mean, how much can you talk about half of this stuff?

Marc Summers: Shake that banana tree!/Can they get the milk on them?/Yes, they've caught one!/Now you need some sausage!/You rolled out of your taco! You gotta get back in your taco!

Nostalgia Critic: How many game show hosts are there that can say, with all seriousness, "get back in your taco"? Second, he gets just as much into this show as the rest of the audience, screaming and yelling and even getting messy sometimes. Third and definitely not least, this guy was obsessive-compulsive! [record scratches] You heard right: OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE! That means he likes everything clean, neat, and symmetrical. Oh... my... God! That is total devotion to your work! I mean, look at all this. They went through his house and moved around a few things, and there he is, down on the floor, straightening the rug, moving the chairs, fixing the curtains— I mean, this is how bad he was.

Marc Summers: OCD is all about compulsive rituals, and mine were about cleanliness and making things symmetrical.

Nostalgia Critic: And this guy had to do Double Dare?! The sloppiest and messiest game show that ever aired on TV?! Give this man a fucking medal! I'm serious, dude, if you can't find a medal to fit the situation, make one up. In fact, I'll make one up! Marc Summers, on behalf of children everywhere, I present you the honorary "Dude, You Got Balls" Award. You deserved it, man. You deserved it.

Nostalgia Critic: Now I know what you're thinking: I'm not giving studio moguls enough credit. I mean, nobody could be so financially desperate or creatively shallow to attempt such an act. I mean, are they really so stupid enough to combine movies like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Home Alone? [beat] THEY ARE WHEN THEY FRIGGIN' ADVERTISE IT LIKE THAT! Take a look. [holds up DVD cover] "Crosses Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Home Alone", right on the front cover! Abandon all originality, ye who enter here! [throws DVD cover aside with a loud crash] Now, with that said, I'm sure a lot of you are thinking, "How bad can a film crossover between Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Home Alone possibly be?" [beat] Pretty bad.

Nostalgia Critic: Wait, its going blue! Yes! It means I'm getting somewhere! Yes I'm out! I KNEW I COULD DO IT! THERE IS A GO-

(Time out)

Nostalgia Critic: (furious, speechless face)

Nostalgia Critic: Well, apparently going to the left side of the book case drops you off in one room. And going to right side of the book case drops you off in another. THAT'S... JUST... IM... POSSIBLE!! I MEAN THINK ABOUT IT!! [shows us a bookcase sample] If a bookcase opens up, it spins around in a circle so that means there could only be one room. Because if there was a wall separating the two rooms, the bookcase wouldn't open. So how can it lead to two separate rooms? It can't, Bébé's Kids!IT JUST CAN'T!

[completes the glass level] Alright, so I finally beat the glass level, what's next? [dissolves out and dissolves back in to show a leven similar to the level before the glass level]HOLY HELL!!! IT'S THE EXACT SAME LEVEL AGAIN? [cuts to Nostalgia Critic. He pulls the game out and puts it on the shelf, aiming his gun at it. After a minute of contemplation, he fires at the roof] NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!

Nostalgia Critic: I can't do it! I can't make fun of Sesame Street! It's the first show I ever saw! I'm sorry about the gay joke, Bert and Ernie! Whatever your sexual preferences are is none of my business. I'm sorry, Grover, I'm sorry, Big Bird, I'm sorry, everybody! [cries] I love you all! You're all so beautiful and innocent to me! You are childhood!!! I can't do it! I'm finished! I'm done! Get someone else to review the movie. I can't do it! [walks off-screen to talk with someone] Hey, you! You want 20 bucks? Go review this movie!

Chester A. Bum: Hooray! [sits in the Critic's chair] Oh, I am here to review... what's the name of this movie again?

NC (voiceover): But, for those few years of misled optimism, we had the Saturday morning hit Saved By the Bell. Before Hannah Montana, Lizzie McGuire, or any of those other high school sitcoms, Saved By the Bell was the first to fork out beautiful teenagers with hideous clothes saying horrible lines to an entire crowd...of canned laughter.

Nostalgia Critic: All right, now, I have to warn you: This next scene, where Zack shows himself in his brand new look is... [Sighs] is one of the funniest things ever put on television. It will cause laughter beyond your control. Just remember to breathe: Inhale, and exhale. This HAS been known to kill people. People have actually died from laughter. Just want you to keep that in mind before you watch this. Take a deep breath... [Inhales and exhales] All right, let's watch the scene. [Zack comes in and the Critic bursts out laughing for a really long time] He looks like Vanilla Ice's bitch! [He continues laughing and eventually stops] I think I just orgasmed.

Nostalgia Critic: In the opening credits, we see Tom and Jerry doing what they do best, which is chase each other. [Credit reading "Featuring the voices of" comes up] And... here's our first problem: voice actors. Tom and Jerry had little to no voice actors in their cartoons. But hey, maybe the slapstick will be funny. [Upon seeing the imitation of the teeth breaking gag from "Tee for Two"; Sighs] Even the slapstick is wrong! I mean this is Tom's yell. [Shows clip of Tom getting his tail caught in a giant mousetrap, he screams loudly.] And here's the movie's. [Shows Tom screaming as seen in the credits, he seems to just shout "YOW!"] God, that's nowhere near as funny. [A clip shows Tom peeling in half after being cut] And look at this, when Tom gets cut in half in the cartoon, it's humorous. [Back to the credits] When he gets cut in the movie... [Jerry slices Tom with a sword, when Tom peels apart his insides appear to be red] Oh my god! That's blood! They have to show blood in this, what are they fucking psychos? [A credit mentions Joseph Barbera ] Yeah, here's a real joke. "Creative Consultant: Joseph Barbera" That just means they went up to him everyday and asked, "Is this destroying your creation? Is this nothing like your original vision?" "Yes." "Good!"

Nostalgia Critic: [after Tom and Jerry talk] Unbelievable, I mean just unbelievable. The one rule that you never break, and they broke it in the first 10 minutes. I mean, isn't that like one of the 10 Commandments or something? Thou shalt not lie, thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife, Tom and Jerry... don't... talk!

Nostalgia Critic: ..my God. Tom and Jerry are...dead. [he lifts up his DVD of the original Tom and Jerry cartoons] Alas, poor Tom and Jerry, I knew them, viewing audience. [Scenes of old Tom and Jerry cartoons play over the cover to the DVD while the Nostalgia Critic speaks in a voiceover] Two fellows of infinite jest and of most excellent fancy. They had borne me on many hilarious antics a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rims at it, whatever the hell that means. Here hung those lips that have been mangled I know not how oft. Where be your screams now? Your torn limbs? Your shattered teeth? Your set of bowling pins that were wont to set children and adults at a roa?! Not one now, to mock your antics. Your skirt has fallen. Now, get you to Hollywood's chamber, and tell them, let them stop this douchebaggery that shocks and terrorizes those with most excellent humor. And show them what made such great laughter so great. Make them laugh at that...shit fuckers.

Nostalgia Critic: So while in the pet prison, guess who they bump into. [Droopy is shown] No. Not him. [Pugsy is seen][Gasps]YOU! YOU KILLED TOM AND JERRY! YOU TURNED THEM INTO FRIENDS AND RUINED THE FRANCHISE!

Nostalgia Critic: Number 4: The death of Charlotte, from Charlotte's Web. Ok, so maybe all spiders don't look quite as cute and lovable as Charlotte did(shows a close-up of a real spider's face), but that doesn't mean we weren't all affected when she spent the last days of her life helping out a damn pig. It wouldn't be so bad, except she talks about her death like she's going out to the store.

Charlotte: I'm done for, Wilbur. In a while, I'll be dead.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Wilbur] Oh, well, I guess that's cool — WHA?! [normal voice] And as if that wasn't bad enough, she actually sings a song before she dies.

Charlotte: [singing] The autumn days grow short and cold.

Nostalgia Critic: Now that's the sign of a true hard working entertainer: working behind the scenes, never taking the credit, and leaving on a song. What a showman — or show spider.

Nostalgia Critic: [commenting on a soldier rising from the water] This scene right here is obviously referencing Francis Ford Coppola's "Apocalypse Now", because as we all know, they are both on the exact same emotional wavelength.

Colonel Kurtz: Horror... has a face. And you must make a friend of horror.

Johnny: What's tall, dark, wears a patch, and always seem to be on my butt?

Nostalgia Critic: It's almost as if Ford Coppola directed BOTH movies!

Nostalgia Critic: Number 4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Looking back, I’ve noticed this is the stupidest idea in the entire world. I mean, just listen to the title. [theme song plays] What lobotomized monkey came up with that? I mean, it doesn’t even seem real. It sounds like a satire of another idea. But hey, it took the world by storm, me included. Why? Because it had action, big animals, and of course, a great sense of humor. I mean, they had Uncle Phil as The Shredder for crying out loud!

Nostalgia Critic: I think what made this show so popular is that is was combining two things that kids love: animals and action sequences. Throw in some outdated catchphrases like:

Michelangelo: Reaallly righteous!

Nostalgia Critic: ...and you have a show that's destined to be a hit! I think what really shocks me about this show is that it's actually worked twice! I mean, they released the show again recently, and it actually became a hit! So much so, that they actually made ANOTHER MOVIE based on it. I don't know who came up with this idea or how, [shows a guy smoking a bong] okay, maybe I do know how, but it doesn't matter! This show was a ton of fun, combining everything that kids loved at the time. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: an idea so stupid, it HAS to be good.

Nostalgia Critic: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. To err is human, TO MAKE THE WORST PIECE OF HALF-ASS CALF SHIT TO EVER STAR A BAD ACTING SEVEN FOOT BASKETBALL SUPERSTAR IS UNFORGIVABLE! [Calms down] Sorry, sorry, it's just- Wow, is this one bad! I mean, you have no idea. If this movie was a dog, I'd have it put down. If this movie was a car, I'd have it impounded. If this movie was a starving young woman who pleaded to me for a bite of my hammy salami sandwich, I would kill her![beat] Alright, that's a little dark, but, you get what I'm getting at, this is the kind of hatred this movie has driven me to. [Takes a breath] If you haven't guess yet, I'm of course talking about the whimsical and magical journey that is Kazaam. [Title card rolls] It's un-inventive, unimaginative and unbelievably retarded. But, hey, don't take my word for it. Let's take a look! The movie stars Shaquille O'Neal. [the camera moves in a manner which imitates standing up] Sit back down! Apparently, back in the 90's, people thought if you could stare into a camera and say, "Drink Pepsi", you were considered a good actor.

Kazaam: That's an insult!

Nostalgia Critic: So Touchstone made a deal with Shaquille O'Neal to star in their latest family-friendly romp. In the movie, Shaquille plays, and I am quoting here, "A Rappin' Genie With Attitude, Who is Ready for Slam-Dunk Fun". [spits on the video and throws it] What they mean to say is that it's a corporate write-off designed to make a quick buck while entertaining mindless, port-a-dummy kids who think that just because a man can make a decent free-throw means he can make a decent crapped-out movie like this one. ["Disclaimer: Shaq's free-throws actually blow chunks"]

[While the Nostalgia Critic is sleeping (Hat still on, though his glasses and coat are off), Teddy Ruxpin, who is sitting on a desk across the room, opens his eyes and he begins to move. The Nostalgia Critic wakes up and sees that Teddy Ruxpin is on the floor. This confuses the critic, but he decides it doesn't matter and lies back down. Before going to sleep, however, he turns his head to look again and sees that Teddy Ruxpin has moved across the floor. This perplexes the Critic, but he decides to ignore it again and settle back in. A disturbance makes him open his eyes again and he sees Teddy Ruxpin at the foot of his bed, staring at him]

Teddy Ruxpin: I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I want to do horrible things to you.

Nostalgia Critic: That's an... odd thing to say.

Teddy Ruxpin: I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I wanna Kill you!

Nostalgia Critic: [Nervous] OK, I think I'm just gonna take that little demented tape right out of you and... [Reaches around Teddy Ruxpin to the cassette port and as he pulls away the shirt that covers it, he finds that it's empty]

Teddy Ruxpin: I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I didn't care very much for that review you did [long pause] Nostalgia Critic!

Nostalgia Critic: AH! [Throws Teddy Ruxpin across the room and runs to the bathroom]

(At the end of the review, the Critic is sleeping and then suddenly Ruxpin creeps up to him and wakes him up by shoving a gun in his mouth)

Teddy Ruxpin: So... are you going to write another review?

Nostalgia Critic: (nods) Yes, but first, tell me one thing... what the Hell are you?

Teddy Ruxpin: I'm the DEVIL! (His eyes glow red and the Nostalgia Critic screams endlessly as it cuts to black)

(the Critic is back in his desk)

Nostalgia Critic: ...So you can see, I've been entirely wrong about my Teddy Ruxpin. He's nice, charming, friendly, and not in the least bit evil, and I'd totally recommend him to anyone who has an over-active imagination. I'm the Nostalgia Critic and - HELP, HELP, THE DOLL'S ALIVE, HE'S GOING TO KILL ME! (Teddy Ruxpin notices him yelling and turns off the lights) HELP! WHAT? WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS? WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS? (Gunshot)

Nostalgia Critic: Folks, why is it that movies based on video games always seem to suck monkey tits? I mean, think about it: Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Super Mario Bros., even films like The Wizard that just talked about video games always seem to suck. For whatever reason, they're certainly not getting any better. Don't believe me? Then check out the festering pile of elephant puke that Hollywood seems to have entitled Double Dragon, a movie so bad that I can't even come up with a clever analogy to sum how bad it is. Well, I'll try: IT'S THE MOST SHIT-SMACKING, WHORE-EATING, DISGUSTING PIECE OF RETRO-ASS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! No, THAT STILL DOESN'T SUM UP HOW BAD IT IS!

Nostalgia Critic:Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. A long time ago, a young filmmaker named George Lucas helped create a parallel dimension in a galaxy far, far away. It's a strange world with bizarre aliens and unbelievable creatures. A world that the sci-fi community will never, ever forge- okay the punchline is Howard the Duck.

[A naked duck lady has just been shown in a bathtub with bare breasts]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God. It can't be... That cannot be real! That can NOT be REAL! [clip replays, beat] Is there any point in reviewing the rest of the movie?! I mean, you know I'm not gonna be able to top that! I don't care if he runs into Jar Jar Binks, the Care Bears, and Fonzie from Happy Days! There is no way in hell that I am going to beat... [switches to still picture of duck breasts with "DuckTits" written in DuckTales-style font, and the DuckTales theme song playing]

Chorus: DuckTits, woo-hoo!

Nostalgia Critic: I mean, what is the point? You're making a kids film starring a cute little duckie, and you start out with DuckTits?! Are you mad?! What creepy pervert thought that up?! [picture of George Lucas flashes on the screen] I mean, this movie is rated PG, right? This is considered PG material? Are you seriously telling me that showing female breasts is wrong, but showing Daisy's knockers isn't gonna cause any psychological damage? I think the people who rated this movie had psychological damage! I mean... EWW!

Nostalgia Critic: So it starts out with a Mortal rekap of the first film: Liu Kang won the championship, Raiden never shut up, Johnny Cage and Sonya got together, I guess, and they even got out with some evil emperor's daughter called Kitana or something, I don't know, she's in the movie for like a minute, and they all live happily ever after. OR DO THEY?[ninjas come falling out of the sky, surrounding the Earth Realm warriors] It turns out that evil is approaching, as it starts raining Cirque du Soleil on our heroes, who find themselves surrounded by some nasty henchmen! But our fearless fighters are confident! As Liu Kang gets on his guard, Kitana readies for battle, Sonya prepares for... [sees that Sonya Blade is now played by a different actress] Who the hell's that? That's not Sonya, that's like a totally different actress. Raiden, what the hell's going on here? [sees that Raiden has got a new actor] DAGH!! You're not Raiden! Johnny Cage, who are all these people?! [sees that Johnny Cage is also played by a new actor] AGH!!! You're not Johnny Cage!! So wait a minute — if you're not Sonya, you're not Raiden, and you're not Johnny Cage... then what does that make me?!? [clips of the Cocoa Puffs commercial play, the Critic screams and lays his head on the table] Actually, it turns out that they got all new actors for these characters, which is kind of strange because the first film indicates that there will definitely be a sequel! So don't you think that they would have had the actors sign on for that? [pretends to be one of the original cast members talking to his agent on his cell phone] Frank, you're my agent, you gotta get me out of this movie sequel! I know I did the first one, but they don't even have enough money for a new opening sequence! ...Uh-huh... uh-huh... oh... Alright, I'll just have to fake my own death. [hangs up his cell phone, then sighs; whispering] I can't go back.

Nostalgia Critic: [After the military sets up a huge pile of fish as bait for Godzilla] So our brilliant and obviously un-lizard-prone hero looks over this amazing sight.

Niko: That's a lotta fish. [long pause]

Nostalgia Critic: ...What?

Niko: That's a lotta fish. [long pause]

Nostalgia Critic: "That's a lotta fish." [mutters it again, thinking to himself] I don't get it. "That's a lotta fish" -- so? I mean, is that meant to be funny? It left a pause at the end for the audience to laugh, I mean, but... what's the joke? I could've just as easily said "That's a hat. That's a wall. That's a lotta fish." I mean, how is that funny? You could've said a lot of things there like "I got a fishy feeling about this" or "It's like shooting fish in a barrel out here!" I mean, it wouldn't have been funny, but at least they would've been actual jokes. "That's a lotta fish" -- you could spend years trying to figure out why the hell that's supposed to be funny and not get anywhere! "That's a lotta fish" -- look, you could literally just put in gibberish, and that at least would've been a little bit funnier. He looks over this amazing sight, turns to the other guy and says "Poppity pop pop pop!" and that actually would've gotten a little bit of a laugh. Just nonsense off the top of my head is funnier than these guys trying to willingly produce written humor. THIIINK!

Nostalgia Critic: (On Scar) He is one of the few Disney villains that is actually able to kill off one of the main characters. What about that one, Jafar? Huh? HUH?

Jafar: You'll get what's coming to you.

Nostalgia Critic: What's coming to me? What do you mean, what's coming to me? I don't- (Jafar's staff turns his head into a dinosaur's head) Alright, that's NOT COOL.

Nostalgia Critic: The number 1 greatest Disney animated film villain is: the Devil from Fantasia. Now, I know what you're thinking: "He didn't do anything! He didn't hatch any diabolical plans or ruin anybody's life!" But here's the thing—IT'S THE DEVIL! HE IS EVIL INCARNATE! You look at this guy and tell me that not one of these characters [we see several villains that were on the list] is not working for, with, or was inspired by this guy. He doesn't talk, doesn't sing, and doesn't even mess around with any of the good guys. But that's how the Devil works. He doesn't strike people down like Maleficent or scheme evil plots like Frollo—he's working through them, motivating them and encouraging every ounce of evil that they do. He doesn't even need an introduction—you just see him, and you can feel the evil. How can you not be intimidated when those evil eyes pop up and the music builds? The Devil is often perceived as something you can't see. Well, if you could, this is what he would look like, and this is what he would do: playing God with the dead, bringing spirits back to life just so he can destroy them again. He turns beauty into filth, moonlight into fire, and cries for help into consumption and greed. Ultimately, though, the Devil can't compete with the heavenly light that comes in at the end, and leads to what is probably Disney's most powerful and beautiful moment ever put on screen. This portion of Fantasia was daring and controversial, even spawning one of the first Disney nipples ever to be seen. [sarcastically] OH MY GOD, WOMEN HAVE NIPPLES?! MY CHILDHOOD IS RUINED! [normal] There's no doubt about it—the Devil encompassed everything. He was everything dark, everything hateful, everything cruel, and everything lusting for power. He was the master of all darkness, and portrayed just as that, seeing absolutely no element of good in him—an all around perfect portrayal of evil. The Devil: the number one greatest Disney animated villain.

Nostalgia Critic: Ah yes, I almost forgot. Every Friday, the "Super Show" would replace the Mario cartoon with a Legend of Zelda cartoon. And even though it wasn't as bad as the Mario stuff, it was still pretty damn wretched. I mean, you watch the opening, it looks cool, it looks big and epic until...

Zelda: [after jumping off a bridge into a river with Link] Nice job, hero.

Link: Hey! Excuuuse me, Princess!

Nostalgia Critic: [beat] Really? "Excuuuse me, Princess!"? That's the best 80's sitcom catchphrase that you can come up with? Well, if we're gonna go this route, why not exploit the shit out of it? I mean, there's plenty of other phrases you could've used, like "Whatchu talkin' about, Zelda?" or maybe a more obscure "To the moon, Your Highness!" or how about the always classic, always endearing "Dy-no-mite, Princess Hottie Pants!" I mean, just if you want to make it more subtle...

Nostalgia Critic: Let's talk about the setting. In the game, everything takes place in the Mushroom Kingdom. Here, good God, I can't even tell you how ridiculous these settings are. They live in idiotic worlds like "Spy Land", or "Jungle Land", or "Robo Land", or even stinking "Car Land". They have a "Car Land"! You can't just add the word "Land" to something and expect it to be a fully developed three dimensional world! Like, "Hey, I got an idea! Let's all go to 'Pot Land'. And after that, maybe we can spend time in 'Table Tennis Land'. Or how about we drop by 'That British Guy Who Always Seems To Be In Everything But You Never Really Take The Time To Figure Out What His Name Is Land'!" It doesn't work!

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia critic. I remember i-CHRISTMAS!!![gets out of his chair and quickly begins putting up his Christmas decorations while continuously yelling "Christmas!" and eventually returns to his seat]CHRISTMAS!!! I LOVE CHRISTMAS! Season of Joy, best time of the year! If I could somehow make love to Christmas, I would, and then I would eat it, to consume all its wholesome Holiday juices. I love it that much.

Nostalgia Critic: [Depressed] Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Well, Christmas is over, Santa has come and, well, I guess I got a little of the post-Christmas blues. I mean, 12 months waiting, weeks upon weeks of hoping for the world's greatest Christmas gifts, and what did I get? [takes each gift out] A Nintendo Wii entertainment system, two fully functional controllers, the latest edition of Super Smash Bros. Brawl...and NO Mario Kart? Suck my candy cane, Santa! That was the cream of the Yuletide crop and you knew it! Instead, what did I get in my stocking? A holly jolly dose of bullshit known as Jingle All the Way!

Nostalgia Critic: So it starts out with this show called TurboMan. I'd like to say it's like Power Rangers for younger kids, but it's more like Power Rangers for retarded kids. I mean, I think this is the film's first big hole: No normal-functioning kid would ever watch this intergalactic space crap. I mean, what kid would seriously watch a show with a flying hunchback saber-toothed Care Bear in it? Well, apparently, this kid would. A little boy named Jamie, played by Jake Lloyd. [thinking] Jake Lloyd... hmmm, where do I know that name? [dramatic music shows Anakin Skywalker in the poster for Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace] Hoooooh! WAAAAAAAAAAH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!![jumps out a window and falls to the ground, as his scream fades away] My God, what a tall building!

Arnold: [As he enters the empty school gym, with a janitor cleaning it and missing his son's karate graduation] I didn't make it.

Nostalgia Critic: [dumbstruck] Thanks, Arnold, I'd never figured it out if you didn't say something... What's this, is this movie for the blind?[The scene repeats with Critic imitating Arnold's accent] I'm walking down the hallway, I stopped to catch my breath, I'm looking at an empty room with a janitor to emphasize what a douchebag I am.

Nostalgia Critic: There's only one problem though, Arnold doesn't have the doll.

Arnold's wife: Which reminds me, you got the Doll, right? [Ducks as the camera zooms in on Arnold Schwarzenegger]

Arnold: The doll!

Nostalgia Critic: I like how his wife isn't even really acting here, she's just preparing for the world's most unconvincing head duck for the camera. She does it so fast I wonder if she hits her head on the sink.

Arnold's wife: You got the doll, right? [She ducks again and a loud slam is heard]

Nostalgia Critic: Ooh, that's gotta hurt. I also love this over the top expression that Arnold gives, that looks like the cliffhanger of a horrible 80s sitcom.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Sitcom announcer] Uh oh, How's Arnold gonna get out of this one? Will he have time to get the gift, or will the most implausible and impractical of hijinks ensue? Tune in next time when Masterpiece-of-shit theater continues.

[After Arnold's character flies into the sky with a jetpack]

Nostalgia Critic: So let me get this straight. A parade which can barely afford what looks like 2 balloons and only a few copyrighted characters, can afford a fully functional rocket pack that even NASA couldn't perfect yet? IS THERE A NAME FOR WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE WRITERS?!

[Clip of Arnold Schwarzenegger with jetpack flying as TurboMan]

Nostalgia Critic: So he's flying through the city and... [various clips of Arnold flying] uh... and... uh... I... Uh... [clips stop; cut to Nostalgia Critic] A-alright, okay. Ladies and gentlemen... the film just gave up. It clearly doesn't care about the story narrative or making any simplance of logical sense, so they just said... fuck it, and started showing amusing images that will hopefully entertain your kids. Well, you know what they say. [takes off hat and puts on pirate hat] If you can't beat them, join them. [Various clips of Arnold flying and the Nostalgia Critic making funny faces and moving at superfast speed around the room. The song, "Say, say, Oh Playmate" plays throughout as a subtitle reading "WE DON'T CARE" flashes at the bottom of the screen]

Nostalgia Critic: So Santa, for giving me such a good gift this year, I have just one thing to say to you: You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why. [He pulls out and cocks his gun] THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC IS COMIN' TO YOUR HOME, BITCH! I'M RIP ROARIN' PISSED, I REMEMBER IT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO! [walks off-camera]

Nostalgia Critic: [Trying to describe "Ren and Stimpy"] It's honestly like talking to a kid on the ultimate of sugar highs.

Adult's Voice: Hey, kid! What do you want to see on TV?

Nostalgia Critic: [As a kid] I don't know!

Adult's Voice: Have some candy! [Throws over a bag, and the kid eats it all]

Nostalgia Critic: [Suddenly hyper] I wanna see a cat and dog move around like jelly! Then I want to see them slap their BUTTS together, because BUTTS are funny! Then I want them to tell my grandmother to suck eggs!

Stinky Wizzleteats: I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs!

Nostalgia Critic: And THEN I want to see them take a hammer and smash themselves on the head with it! [Laughs uncontrollably, and then lapses into a sugar coma]

[in response to the soundtrack of Doug sounding like it's being 'farted out']

Nostalgia Critic: This scene needs a little more tension. Howard! More pork and beans!

Nostalgia Critic: [regarding You Can't Do That on Television] The show aired on Nickelodeon, but got its start in America's humble neighbours to the north, Canada. Which means you always hear my favorite mispronunciation: [kids repeat the word "about" over and over in a Canadian dialect, sounding like "aboot"] IT'S "ABOUT", YOU SOCIALLY POLITE FREAKS! IT'S "ABOUT"! A-B-O-U-T, not A-B-O-O-T! STOP SAYING "ABOOT"! [gets a boot] This is a boot! [calmly, points to the word "about"] That is about. [back and forth] A boot, about, A boot, about, A boot, about. GET IT RIGHT!

Manager: Nobody is putting Good Burger out of business! [the whole staff cheers in agreement]

Otis: [a fry cook played by Abe Vigoda] Nobody! [the Critic stops the movie and rewinds slowly to replay that one shot] Nobody!

Nostalgia Critic: Abe Vigoda, what are you doing? Is there just really no movie you'll say no to? I mean, did you read the script? You know it couldn't have been a good movie! My guess is that he was in some sort of contract or something, and it probably went something like this.

Nostalgia Critic: My god, I just realized what this is! This is Dante's Eleventh Level of Hell! He just didn't write it because he knew it would be to scary for people to comprehend!

Nostalgia Critic: (as demon voice) And low, and behold, an obnoxious douche bag with unconvincing dread who put grapes in his nose, and constantly shout "bloobity, bloobity, bloobity, bloobity!" And it will be called, "The Eleventh Level of Hell". Dante then wet himself, and cried in fear.

Nostalgia Critic: So Batty says he spotted humans at Mount Warning, which is... wait a minute. Mount Warning? Isn't that in Australia?

Nostalgia Chick: Yep.

Nostalgia Critic: Is their rainforest in any kind of danger? [Nostalgia Chick wishy-washily implying no]THEN WHY IS IT CALLED THE LAST RAINFOREST?!

Nostalgia Chick: Well, Mr. Critic. One must ask oneself, "Where is a viable rainforest environment that happens to have a ready supply of white people?"

Nostalgia Critic: Central America?

Nostalgia Chick: No.

Nostalgia Critic: Africa?

Nostalgia Chick: Yeah, right.

Nostalgia Critic: New Guinea?

Nostalgia Chick: Getting warmer.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Australia!

Nostalgia Chick: Now you've got it. Technically, they could have just made up a location, but I guess the movie wanted some credibility. Now, you could say that it's not a great idea to try to impose logic on an environmentalist film about fairies, but hey, it's for kids and kids are stupid enough to buy anything.

Nostalgia Critic: Now I know.

Nostalgia Chick: And knowing is half the battle. [G.I. Joe theme plays with the two giving a salute]

[In response to finding out that the secret to growing the rainforest is "magic."]

Nostalgia Critic: [Beat] What's a Big Lipped Alligator Moment? [It appears again and has the same effect on him] That's not an alligator! It's a... that's not an alligator!

Nostalgia Chick: [Smiling and patting the critic on his head] You stupid sack of shit. Perhaps you don't remember the big lipped alligator scene from "All Dogs Go to Heaven". This is named after the random musical number sung by a big lipped alligator towards the end of the film; a scene that comes right the fuck outta nowhere, has little to no bearing whatsoever on the plot, is way over the top in terms of ridiculousness (even within the context of the movie), and after it happens, no one ever speaks of it again.

Nostalgia Critic: However, it turns out that Katie is in love, but judging by this scene, we're not quite sure to who... [cut to Princess Katie's bed, where her sister Princess Sarah is brushing Katie's hair amid soft candlelight]

[the Nostalgia Critic's heart beats loud and fast as he stares with anticipation]

Princess Sarah: I know not... [touches Katie's chin] but I will always look after thee. [the Nostalgia Critic leans in, smiling and panting as his heart still continues to beat as Sarah and Katie hug each other, only for the scene to fade]

Nostalgia Critic: WAIT, NO! GO BACK! GO BACK! I WANNA SEE 'EM GET IT ON![next scene opens with Calvin and King Arthur] Oh, son of a BITCH! We're right in the middle of hot medieval lesbianism—one of the few things I want to see before I die—and then all of a sudden it cuts to those two putzes? I mean, come on! What kind of sexual eroticism can we possibly get out of those two?!

Nostalgia Critic: [Deadpan and silent, communicating via giant note cards] You might be wondering why I'm not talking in this episode. Well, it turns out I threw out my voice from yelling so much at today's movie. It's that bad. So I have to do the whole review like this. It blows "monkies". I feel like I'm on The Newlywed Game. "In the ass"? [Mouths sarcastic laughter] So which movie caused me to lose my angelic voice. I'll tell you... [Ominous music plays] "The Good Son".

[As Mark is sliding down a pole out of a tree house the two are sitting in]

Henry: Hey Mark! [Mark looks up] ...Don't fuck with me. [Cut to the Critic, jaw agape, then to Henry and back to the Critic]

Nostalgia Critic: [Skipping his usual opening line] I consider myself a man of decent logic. A man who has a fairly firm grasp on the perceptions of reality. A man who's down to earth and lives in the realms of the real world. [Beat] UNTIL TODAY! When that reality was challenged by a blue-tinted hedgehog and his flying fox with two tails! This is the gateway to madness that the world of children's programming has chosen to call "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog". [The show's title screen is shown] Imagine coming across a mentally disabled person who's not only criminally insane but was also drunk, high and had a whole frontal lobotomy leaving little to no intelligence left in his brain. He would be normal compared to "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog"! So, what's wrong with this show? [Beat] What's right with this show?! That's the shorter answer! It's actually hard to come up with words to describe how bat-shit crazy this show is -- it is that crazy. So rather than talk about it, let's go ahead and try and watch it... [Beat] ...the key word being "try".

Nostalgia Critic: As you probably gather, this show has absolutely no basis in logic or reason. But there are just really some things that go beyond the boundaries of comprehension. Like watch this scene, as they try to set up yet another trap. [Grounder is shown blowing into one of his hands to inflate the other, which inexplicably becomes a pumpkin]

Nostalgia Critic: [confused] WHAT?! PUMPKIN?! P-PUMPKIN?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! [beat] PUMPKIN?! WHAT?! I don't care what drug-induced land you're in. You cannot blow in your hand and come up with a pumpkin! How did you even come to that conclusion? I mean, what is next? He's gonna blow in his hand and a beautiful woman's gonna come out? [Scratch pulls a drawstring on his hand to do just that while hiding behind a rock waiting for Sonic]

Nostalgia Critic: [in slow motion] WHAAAAAAT?! [back to normal speed] How can you blow into your hand and make a woman?! Why would you even be chasing hedgehogs if you could blow into your hand and make a woman?! It does not add up! My God! How do you even advertise a show like this?! I mean, what do the commercials look like?! [Switching to an announcer-type voice as clips from the show begin playing] Hey kids! Ren and Stimpy making too much sense for ya? Then put on "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog"! You'll love this cosmic, out-of-body raping of your senses! It's like a Japanese show in English, only you still have no idea what's going on! You must be at least this high to watch. [Shows a picture of Chester A. Bum]

Sonic: Even you can learn something from a sloth.

Nostalgia Critic: [Looks shocked, beat, then whips out his gun]FUCK THIS SHOWWW![Shoots Sonic's head off]FUCK THIS SHOWWW![Shoots Tails' head off]FUCK THIS SHOW![Shoots Scratch's head off]FUCK THIS SHOW![Shoots Robotnik's head off]FUCK THIS SHOW![Continues firing until the city blows up] This is Crazy! In every possible meaning of the word! Nothing about this show makes sense! It's Pure Bullshit!

Nostalgia critic: [wearing just a T-shirt and tie] Hey there, teach. Here's my project. [Clips from the Sonic Saturday morning cartoon play] Uh, I tried as much character and psychological development as possible, given the guidelines, but I think I came up with a pro environmental show that will actually make kids enjoy the forest without, you know, shoving it into their faces.

Nostalgia critic: [As the teacher] Well, this is very well put together, strong story, good character, working beyond the material given to you. [beat] A+. [A+ appears on the Sonic cartoon title] Now where's my other student, Fuckup Mc Dumbass?

Nostalgia critic: [As the student whose clothes are messed up] HEY TEACH! Here's my project and it's AWESOME! [Clips of the Adventures of Sonic the hedgehog play] It's got a lot of, ah, running, ah, a lot of CHILLI DOGS, ha ha, It's got a Monkey and a Chicken, and they just yell all the time going "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!" and it's totally awesome.

Nostalgia critic: [As the teacher] Mc Dumbass, did you put any effort into this?

Nostalgia critic: [As the student] No, I just got high. [F appears on the adventures of sonic the hedgehog title]

Nostalgia Critic: Is it me or did that twister just roar? [Scene replays, growl is more pronounced] What, were there dinosaurs in that barnhouse or something? [Fake dinosaur flies past in the twister, with the Tyrannosaur roar fromJurassic Parkplaying as sound effects.]

Melissa: Is there an F5?? [Silence falls on the group]

[The Nostalgia Critic widens his eyes sarcastically and slams his hands on the table, staring dramatically at the camera]

Nostalgia Critic: [Bill and Jo have just survived the tornado and are arguing] SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP! [Points at Bill] You're an idiot! [Points to Jo] You're a bitch! [Points to Dusty] You're annoying! [Points to the Twister poster] AND YOU'RE A GOD-AWFUL MOVIE!!! Why was this movie such a big hit? Because of the effects. Nothing else. Because when you really look at this assfest of a movie, you see nothing but what assfests always produce: crap, crap, crap! It's so horrifically bad that it even scared the Burger King away, and he's usually the one scaring other people away! [Sobbing is heard off-screen] Oh-oh come on, BK, come out from under the bed. [To the camera] He's crying now. [To the Burger King] No, no, Philip Seymour Hoffman isn't here anymore. No, he's gone. H-hold up—I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. [Getting up] Oh, no, calm down, calm down. Come on. I'll get you some McDonald's. [The Burger King punches the Critic off-screen] OW! Sorry.

Nostalgia Critic: [Too speechless to give his normal introduction, Palms cover his face, then let go] I got nothing. I have absolutely nothing. I mean... what the hell am I supposed to say? "Garbage Pail Kids". [Beat] Does the title even sound like it's going to attempt to be a good movie? [Long pause] I feel raped! I feel honest to God raped by this movie, it is that bad! There is no talent, no effort, nothing salvageable! Nothing salvageable about this movie at all! [Beat] Show 'em the credits! Let's get started! [The movie's title screen is shown] It's, uh... it's, uh... it's... it's gonna hurt, I'm not gonna lie, it's really going to hurt. So why waste any more time just talking about it? [Beat] Oh, I can think of a few reasons, but let's take a gander anyway. [Beat] Be very afraid.

Nostalgia Critic: So they get to the dance court to sell her clothes when one of the women ask her for the shirt she's currently wearing.

Nostalgia Critic: [chuckles] Well, y'know what they say, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, try try trytrytrytry...[speeding up and bonking on desk]—TRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRY—UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LITTLE MIND CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, apparently there's a State Home for the Ugly where men literally walk around with nets and capture ugly people the same way dog catchers capture puppies for the pound.

Catcher #1: You shouldn't wear a mask unless it's Halloween, kid!

Catcher #2: No hard feelings, eh kid?

Nostalgia Critic: WHAT WORLD... REALITY... DRUGS... WHERE WOULD YOU EVEN GET FUNDING FOR THAT?! I mean, you're telling me there's an actual State Home for the Ugly, and yet Joan Rivers, Michael Moore and Carrot Top are allowed to roam free?! What kinda sick, crazy world is this?!

Nostalgia Critic: I don't know whether to give it to a scientist to examine or a priest to exorcise! I mean, it is remarkable, it is absolutely remarkable! Even the closing credits are hurting me! Everything about this movie is just plain HORRENDOUS!!! In fact, I don't why know I'm still watching it. I should turn it off before anything else-[He proceeds to turn it off, but there is a bright flash off light.] Oh my God! [Two more flashes] Oh my God!! [Another Flash as he enters a bright, flashy portal from 2001: A Space Odyssey] The movie is so bad it's actually splitting the fabric of space and time! [enters the portal and makes several weird faces, then in deep tone] My God! It's full of Shit! [Yells inaudibly before appearing in a bright room. He looks around and sees an older version of himself, with long black hair and eating Cheerios 2] Where am I?

Older Critic: You are inside the bad movie. A film so horrible that it actually ages even as you watch yourself.

Elderly Critic: [Who is shown to have curly hair] Will you shut up, I'm tryin' to die over here for cryin' out loud! Well, I'm done for, but at least I don't have to see that shit-load ass of a movie again. [laughs weakly, then has a surprised look on his face. He looks up, and sees the DVD floating in mid-air. He reaches out for it, only to give the middle finger]

Nostalgia Critic: [Now transformed into a long brown piece of Crap wearing the hat and glasses] My God! It turned it to what the movie always was. A dirty piece of crap! [Begins singing to the tune of Also Sprach Zarathustra] Oh my God! [The camera zooms in on the DVD, then shows Space, the Moon and the Earth] It sucks!

It sucks real bad makes you real mad it's rather sad. [He is then seen to be viewing the Earth from Space] Oh my God!

[The film begins with Chanticleer singing in a field and the camera zooms in a little too close for comfort on Chanticleer's mouth]

Nostalgia Critic: WHOA! Ok, that zoom in was a little to extreme. I could practically see his digestive system. [The clip of Chanticleer singing plays again, but with the camera zooming in even further, showing the inside of his throat]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh God, what some people will do for a paycheck! He couldn't have thought this was a good movie, nobody could've! He must've been under contract or something, that's the only excuse! [As a scene from "The Sound of Music" is queued up] In fact, I can just imagine him trying to sneak away from this movie...

Driver of car being pushed: I hear they're going to announce the casting for the villain today.

Capt. Von Trapp: By the time they've made the announcement, we'll be over the border.

[The Von Trapp family is spotted by a couple of trailing cars with their headlights on]

Herr Zeller/Studio Executive: Trouble with your car, Mr. Plummer?

Capt. Von Trapp: Yes, as a matter of fact we couldn't get it started.

Zeller/Executive: Surely you've heard that the studio wants you to provide the voice for the owl in their latest family romp "Rock-a-Doodle"?

Zeller/Executive: Now Mr. Plummer, surely you don't think you can defend yourself against the awesome power of studio-funded lawyers? No man has ever survived their verbal slaughter. So, I take it you'll change your mind about the role?

Capt. Von Trapp: ...Yes.

Zeller/Executive: Excellent. My men will escort you to the recording studio.

Capt. Von Trapp: No escort will be necessary.

Zeller/Executive: I insist. We wouldn't want you to get lost on your way over... would we?

Capt. Von Trapp: ...No.

Zeller/Executive: [Walking back to his car] Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get Abe Vigoda for Good Burger.

Nostalgia Critic: [As James Cameron's "Titanic" music is playing] This is the tale about a ship of dreams. About a young boy and a young girl who fall in love but are torn apart by their social class. And only, at the height of their emotional commitment, does the ship meet with disa- [Music stops] No, wait. That's James Cameron's highest grossing movie of all time, Titanic. My mistake. [Clears throat, music starts again] This is the tale about a ship of dreams. About a young boy and a young girl who fall in love but are torn apart by their social class. And only, at the height of their emotional commitment, does the ship meet with disaster. This is the story of Titanic... the animated musical. [Music switches to "Hold Me"] Now before you say anything, let me answer your very first question: yes, this is real. Some Italian fart over in Italy decided that he wanted to tell his version of how he saw the Titanic, which of course is completely different from that other little independent film that came out a few years earlier. This charming little version has talking geese, Mexican mice, and -- I'm really not kidding here -- a rapping dog. I swear to God that is true. A rapping dog. This film is actually so bad that people debate whether or not it actually exists! Copies of it are very hard to find and most people who see snippets of it swear it's just something done by a fifth grader on Adobe Flash! But, here's the DVD to prove it! [Holds up the film's DVD case] "Titanic"! As it says on the back how they embark on the real adventures of the Titanic. Oh yeah, because all the other stories you've heard weren't the least bit exciting or credible, were they? No no no no no, this is the exciting version with what really historically happened on the Titanic. [Beat] With Mexican mice and a rapping dog. HELLO??? Be afraid, my fellow viewers, be very very afraid. Let's dive in. [Beat] No pun intended.

Child Narrator: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Where are you going? [The Critic's head shoots up] The movie isn't over yet! Don't you want to know what happened to everybody?

Nostalgia Critic: I kind of assumed they've drowned...

Child Narrator: Hortense and Bernice married Kirk and Dirk, who are gloatingly thinking they've got it made... [Cut to the Critic's perplexed face] ...and here we have the ecstatic newlyweds, Angelica and William [The Critic scratches his head] together with Mother Nanny Jennie, Victoria and the grandchildren, and the dalmatians and their children. Well, here's hoping they'll all live happily ever after. See you soon!

Nostalgia Critic: HAPPILY EVER AFTER?! WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?! THIS ISN'T A POSTCARD! IT'S THE SINKING OF THE FUCKING TITANIC! If you wanted to be really faithful, you would've said [Now parodying the child's narration] "Kirk and Dirk got married to the evil stepsisters, William and Angelica married as well as adopted the two dalmatians, and over 1,500 people died in one of the world's largest and most tragic disasters. See you soon!" [Resuming his review] Where did this movie come from? What idiotic brain mash could so effectively miss the tragic center of the Titanic disaster? My guess is somebody just saw the James Cameron blockbuster and didn't realize it was based on a real tragic event. They probably just thought it was a fairy tale. So they put their half-ass version together thinking to themselves "You know what this collection of human misery needs? A rapping dog!" There's a reason so many people don't believe this movie exists: because quite frankly we don't want to believe it exists! It's so horrible that we as human beings don't want to believe that we created it. And with the help of [Brings back his over-sized bottle of Jägermeister] Mr. Alcohol here, I might just be able to make that dream come true. [after saying his catcphrase, he walkes off guzzling the bottle] Oh yeah, destroy that memory.

Nostalgia Critic: We all liked Michael Jackson at some point, didn't we? But that doesn't mean he can just throw any crap on the screen and expect us to buy it! That's why I have some serious hangups with "Moonwalker". [Shows clips of Pagemaster instead] One of the strangest and most bizaare—um, this isn't "Moonwalker". So, what the hell were up with those clips? [Looks offscreen] Huh? "Pagemaster"? I never watched any "Pagemaster". I did? Well, what was it about? Oh! Oh, yeah, the, the Home Alone kid, the reading adventure, yeah, OK. Um..."Pagemaster"! Yeah, what a... what a memorable movie that was! Hehehe. [Beat] OK, by that total lack of memory, you could probably tell that this film didn't exactly leave much of an impact. And why should it? IT'S BORING! Nothing's developed, nothing's structured, nothing's... anything. It's pretty much just a film fart: it happens, it's unpleasant, but you forget about it just a few moments later.

Chester A. Bum: [appearing as an April Fool's Joke] Hello, I'm Chester A. Bum. I remember it, though I don't know why. And I am here to talk to you about THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! ....And I don't say that very often!

Chester A. Bum: And there's a giant rock monster and a bunch of other little gremlins, and the rock monster is like—

Nostalgia Critic: So we see the world's first universal answer to every joke ever written: Michael Jackson. We catch him at that stage where he wasn't really a good-looking black man anymore, but at least he was a half-way decent looking white woman. We see him performing at a concert, singing about how we can all change the world and apparently, all of the world leaders buy Jackson's plea for world peace. [as Mohandas Gandhi] I am in total support of Michael Jackson! [as John F. Kennedy] Ich bin ein Michael Jackson. [as Ronald Reagan] You know, Michael Jackson made this all possible. [as Martin Luther King] I have a dream: to support Michael Jackson's dream.

Nostalgia Critic: Number 4: The opening of "Superman III." Talk about a movie that was already doomed from the start. First of all, look at these credits. All the Superman films began with the credits flying in space with that kickass John Williams music. But this one, it looks like they were added in at the last minute. It's like that stupid Star Wars text option that comes with most movie editing softwares. And after that, it's pretty much just a half-assed Laurel and Hardy routine as a guy trips looking at a woman, a lady on rollerblades crashes into a hot dog cart, the hot dog cart knocks over some phone booths, a toy penguin is set on fire, which scares a little doggie, that knocks a woman over carrying groceries— ["Mouse Trap" commercial plays]

Cat: You knock the man into the pan, you knock the ball in the rub-a-dub tub... Mouse Trap! I guarantee it's the craziest trap you'll ever see!

Nostalgia Critic: Um, you get the idea. It's about as obnoxiously overblown as a comedy routine can get, looking absolutely nothing like a Superman movie. In fact, the title just passes by! You wouldn't even notice it! But how can you, when a man confuses his walking dog for a road painter—yeah 'cause all blind people are freakin' idiots, right? A car speeds out of control, hits a fire hydrant, starts filling up with water — you figure that one out — as Superman comes in to rescue the guy from drowning in his own vehicle on dry land. This is like the "dominoes" of human misery! Seriously! The only thing that's missing to top off this cliché comedic slosh is a fucking mime- [a mime appears] OH, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!! This honestly does not seem real! I don't think there's enough "wah-wah" music to get us through this opening! ["wah-wah" music plays continuously as the mime slips on marbles, a blind man walks through a giant sheet of paper, Clark Kent knocks a guy carrying pies over, catches one of the pies, but is so distracted by a beautiful woman that he turns around quickly and smashes the pie into another pedestrian's face. All of these events cause an explosion, stopping the "wah-wah" music] Oh great, you BLEW UP the wah-wah machine! One gigantic comedic moment after another. The only thing missing; the humour.

Nostalgia Critic: Number 3: The mind-scrambling kiss from "Superman II." This happens after Lois finds out Superman's secret identity. They go all the way through the movie -- and I mean all the way -- until they get to the very end, as Superman feels Lois' life would be a lot easier if she never knew who he really was. So he gives her a kiss that somehow deletes all memory about him being Superman.

Lois Lane: What's happening in the world?

Nostalgia Critic: How the fuck does that work?! Is there a mind-altering breath mint he slips her or does his tongue just work its way in to her brain and take out the parts he doesn't like? For that matter, why doesn't he use this power more often? I mean... it'd be weird, but you could technically use that kiss to give all the super-villains amnesia. [The following is illustrated with some still cartoon pictures] He'd fly up to Lex Luthor and he'd be like "Superman! Allow me to explain my evil plot—" [The cartoon Superman kisses Luthor, which is followed by an awkward pause between the two] "...Who the hell am I?" I mean, OK, it'd be gross, but imagine how many lives you could save!

Nostalgia Critic: Wow... brief. I mean, geesh, they expect us to buy this whole mutated turtle thing pretty quickly, don't they? Most people would consider that a little out of the norm. I mean, is the title the only real backstory we're gonna get about 'em? How the hell do you think they'd describe the Star Wars trilogy? [in narrator's voice, with Star Wars clips] A guy with a sword. His father. They... don't get along.

Splinter: This home has become like an empty shell. Each of your brothers...

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, God. What did they do to Splinter's voice? It sound like Mr. Miyagi if he smoked a million Marlboros.

[Proceeds to mumble in a very raspy manner as Splinter continues talking]

Nostalgia Critic: Before I start this review, let me tell you a little story about a guy named Mako. And why you don't wanna mess with him. Mako apparently was a very popular sort of underground voice celebrity. He did voices for "Avatar: the Last Airbender", which I never heard of, "Samurai Jack", which I never saw, and played Akiro the Wizard in "Conan", which I barely remember. So, as you can tell, I barely know who this guy is. But apparently a lot of you do, and were not very happy when I made fun of his voice in the "TMNT" movie. I remember it like it was yesterday. [Starts to fade to a flashback, but we're still focusing on the Critic] Okay, maybe I don't remember it like it was yesterday. But I have a clip.

[Cut to the clip from the TMNT review]

Splinter: This home has become like an empty shell. Each of your brothers...

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, God. What did they do to Splinter's voice? It sounds like Mr. Miyagi if he smoked a million Marlboros.

[Cut back to the present]

Nostalgia Critic: Hehehehehe, Marlboros. Well, apparently, a lot of you took this the wrong way thinking I was making fun of the actor himself, sending me e-mails like: "You don't mess with Mako, Mother fucker.", "Leave Mako alone, he is the Man!", and "You should crucify your privates for making fun of Mako!" Well, there goes a one-year anniversary surprise. The fact is I don't hate Mako. I don't know Mako. I know nothing about Mako. I just thought the voice was a little different compared to the other Splinters that I've heard before. I mean, geez, you act like the guy died or some— [Cut to a captioned picture of Mako saying "Mako: 1933-2006"] GODDAMNIT!! Okay, okay, so, just to recap, I don't hate Mako, I don't know Mako, so logically, I can't hate someone I don't know. Especially when he's dead. That makes it very difficult. So, no disrespect, I apologize, let's move on. [Beat] Boy, how am I gonna segué out of that? Oh, I've got it! Mako was in Conan, Conan starred Arnold Schwarzenegger, Arnold Schwarzenegger was in a horrible Conan rip-off, which was known as "Red Sonja"!

Nostalgia Critic: So Fred actually does a fairly decent job getting No. 5 back together. Even though his lifespan seems to be dwindling, Johnny 5 decides it's time to strike back. [in movie trailer voice, while the Terminator 2 theme plays over clips of Johnny 5] They took away his toys. They used him as a pawn. They beat him and they left him for dead. Now, rebuilt, recharged, and incredibly pissed off, Johnny No. 5 is ready to kick some FLABBY. WHITE. ASS. Johnny No. 5 in, "I Robot, You Dead". No more Mr. Nice Bot, it's all or nothing.

Nostalgia Critic: [in movie trailer voice] "Short Circuit III: I Robot You Dead", Starring Johnny 5 Is Himself, Michael McKean Is Fred, Fisher Stevens Is Ben, Directed By The Same Guy Who Did "A Christmas Story" And "Baby Geniuses" Himself Bob Clark, Short Circuit III: I Robot You Dead, now playing. Coming Soon At The Cinemas In June 2008 Currently.

Nostalgia Critic: [Regarding supporting characters] But overall, I think I have to go with the '89 film. Why? Because goddamnit, it has Bob in it, and I fucking love Bob! He's the henchman that doesn't say anything, do anything, but for some reason, he really leaves an impression. He's like the Boba Fett of Batman: He barely does anything, but for some reason, people just love him. He even got his own action figure! Why? Why the fuck does he have his own action figure? I don't know, I don't care. I just know that a little bit of coolness tips the pile over to Batman's side. I love ya, Bob. We all do.

Burton Joker: You... are my number one... guy!

Nostalgia Critic: So the old wins in this situation. Does that mean I don't like "The Dark Knight"? Not at all. I just like "Batman" a little more. And, uh, my only hope is that Christian Bale doesn't take what I said about him too seriously— [The Critic's cell phone rings] 'Scuse me. [Opens and answers it] Hello?

Christian Bale: [Utilizing audio from his infamous rant] What the fuck are you DOING?!

Nostalgia Critic: I'm sorry, man, I just thought—

Christian Bale: No, don't just be sorry. THINK for one fuckin' second!

Nostalgia Critic: Well that's not very nice.

Christian Bale: What the fuck is it with you? Are you professional or not?

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I don't like to brag, but—

Christian Bale: Fuck's sake, man, you're amateur!

Nostalgia Critic: Look, I don't know why you're getting so angry—

Christian Bale: No, shut the fuck up!

Nostalgia Critic: Maybe I could, uh—

Christian Bale: No! NO!! I wanna fuckin' kick your fuckin' ass!

Nostalgia Critic: Why are you so angry? I just don't get it.

Christian Bale: What don't you get about it?

Nostalgia Critic: Hold on, hold on. [Addresses the viewers] I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. [Resumes the call]

Christian Bale: Gimme a fuckin' answer!

Nostalgia Critic: I just don't get why you made Batman sound like he had lung cancer.

Nostalgia Critic: ...I really hope you people appreciate what I do for you. Cause let me tell ya, it's not always easy! The stupid-ass shit I gotta sit through is JUST- [calms himself] ...well, it's not always fun. I mean, a bad movie is one thing, that's like, two hours. But to watch episode upon episode of manufactured "pwecious shit"... or "pwe-shit" as I like to call it, quite often is just more than I can bear. The only upside I have is that I get to share my misery with the people who requested it in the first place!

Nostalgia Critic: You know, growing up I remember seeing a trailer for a Rob Reiner film called "North". [The movie's title screen appears] Even though I never saw it, it looked harmless enough -- sort of a quirky comedy about a boy who divorces his neglecting parents and searches the world for better ones. It just looked like any other average family comedy. But what really drew my attention to it was the "Siskel and Ebert" review.

Roger Ebert: I hated this movie as much as any movie we've ever reviewed in the 19 years we've been doing this show.

Nostalgia Critic: [visibly shocked] ...DAMN. That is HARSH. I mean, these are the guys that reviewed "Batman and Robin", "Kazaam", the "Super Mario Brothers" movie and the "Tom and Jerry" movie... and this is the movie that made them feel unclean?! What the hell could be in it that could be so bad? Come on, kids! Let's find out!

Kids Offscreen: YAAAAAAYY!

Nostalgia Critic: [In response to North's Dad saying "Here, loosen his pants!" as North is (apparently) having a seizure] Okay. Alright. You can't let a line like that go by and not have somebody make fun of it. So... here are my jokes. [With band music in the background, a title screen that says "Nostalgia Critic's Top 10 Jokes For This Scene" appears, and "Loosen his pants!" is replayed before each joke is told a la David Letterman'sTop Ten lists]

Announcer: Number ten!

Nostalgia Critic: Or take his shirt off -- either way, I'm gettin' a show!

Nostalgia Critic: [Near the end of the film] So North rushes towards his parents, the henchmen gets out his gun, pulls the trigger and... [North suddenly jars awake] ...it was all a dream. [Pause, the Critic looks disgusted for a second, then becomes incredibly enraged]WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHAT?! YOU ACTUALLY WENT TO THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR, AND MADE IT ALL A DREAM?! YOU ASS OF SHIT!

Nostalgia Critic: I hope you enjoyed this journey of racist insensitivity. Allow us to replace the credits with the words "We're Sorry" a hundred times! This movie is... amazing. It actually goes beyond belief. In today's PC world, for a film like this to get made -- let alone for kids -- is scary as shit! How could anyone green-light this? How could anyone sign on for it? How could they get all these big name stars for such an ugly piece of cinematic prostitution?! Maybe Rob Reiner thought he had too many good films and needed a bad film to even it out? Personally, I now see why Siskel and Ebert hated this film so much. And I really agree with Roger Ebert when he ended his review by saying...

Nostalgia Critic: This is pretty much the worst thing that ever had the Ninja Turtles name on it!

Angry Video Game Nerd: This is even worse than Ninja Turtles 3.

[The Critic and Nerd shudder and cross themselves]

Nostalgia Critic: In fact, why the hell do we even have this pleasant backdrop? [The backdrop is the Chicago skyline] Let's get something else back there! [Chicago is replaced with a fiery backdrop and Raphael's severed head arranged as a skull and crossbones] MUCH better!

Nostalgia Critic: So he sits at home watching, what else? Chuck Norris movies! As he fantasizes AGAIN about being his sidekick. This time the villain is played by Joe Piscopo and we find out that the damsel is and always has been Ms. Chan. I... don't think this is so much as dreaming about Chuck as it is fantasizing about his teacher. I mean, if she's always the person being trussed up and rescued, isn't that a little... um, creepy? And what exactly happens after you saved her? Does she give you a 'Thank you' with a happy ending? Well, I think the answer is obvious. He gives her to Chuck Norris.

Nostalgia Critic: [smiling] Wow, that's... impressively bad acting! I mean, you have to try in order to be that horrible! How do you think he'd react if he got shot? [a gunshot is heard]

Nostalgia Critic: [imitating the man in the line, patting himself everywhere] Gunshot? Gunshot? Gunshot?! I've been gunshot! [imitating C-3PO ]R2-D2, where are you?

Nostalgia Critic: Gee, it's been a while... Where's that disgustingly unnecessary Chuck Norris cameo- [daydream sequence starts] There it is! For a second there I thought you're actually gonna try and have a plot! Yeah, got the teacher in trouble again and of course Chuck Norris is there by his side. This time they're stopping the evil Piscapo from putting razor blades in bubblegum and dynamite into piñatas...this kid needs to get laid.

[Piscapo raises his arms, and begins conducting his plot and henchmen like a musical conductor, bewildering the Critic]

Nostalgia Critic: But I think my favorite episode is the one called "Future Tense," where Goliath arrives in the future and all hell broke loose as Xanatos has apparently taken over. Trying to set things right, all the gargoyles get killed and slaughtered by Xanatos' army. But then it turns out Xanatos is really a computer with all the memories of the original person. But THEN it turns out it wasn't Xanatos at all—it was Lexington, who's become overtaken by madness. BUT THEN it turns out it was all an illusion by Puck to try and get a mythical emblem from Goliath. AND THEN it turns out it may or may not have been a dream. AND THEN it turns out that Goliath is a woman! [A photoshop image of Goliath in drag appears.] Okay, that didn't happen, but you get the idea.

Nostalgia Critic: So Shaq goes back home, which I swear is the house from Up, as he gets reacquainted with his grandmother and— [Grandma Odessa and Ray J loudly shush John Irons as he walks in; whispering] Oh, uh, who's very happy to see him. Why are we whispering?

Nostalgia Critic: [Gasps with a surprised reaction, then pauses] ...my father still has AIDS! [Face gradually changes to him about to cry.]

Nostalgia Critic: [Regarding the Lucky Charms commercials] But wouldn't you be pissed off if you caught a Leprechaun and instead of gold, you got a friggin' bowl of cereal? [Irish music plays as Lucky jumps up to the critic]

Lucky: Hoo hoo! Now that you caught me, you get me Lucky Charms.

Nostalgia Critic: [beat] Uh, no, I want the gold.

Lucky: No, you want Lucky Charms.

Nostalgia Critic: No, I want the gold.

Lucky: No, you want Lucky Charms.

Nostalgia Critic: I'm quite positive I want the gold.

Lucky: Well, if you were to deny the sweet taste of-

Nostalgia Critic: [Smashes Lucky with his fist] There, now you're dead. How do you like that? [Spits on Lucky's mangled body]

Nostalgia Critic: [Regarding the monster cereal mascots] And it was kind of clever that they took the voice of the movie monsters they were spoofing, like Count Chocula is Bela Lugosi...

Nostalgia Critic: Did he ever play a ghost? Ah, well he's dead now, so maybe that counts.

Nostalgia Critic: Number four: Sonny, from Cocoa Puffs. Sonny is just an addict, okay? He needs help! He needs to go into rehab and have his illness treated. Look at him, he's just trying to do his everyday work, when suddenly these little bungholes come up and tempt him by feeding his habit! What's up with those kids? They're fucking enablers!

Nostalgia Critic: So, I guess the Trix Rabbit is a way of showing kids humanity's a natural cruelty to others. It's not right, it's not fair, but ya gotta just deal with it! [Beat] Trix are for kids, motherfucker! Ha, ha! The Trix Rabbit, because hey, we're just flat-out sadists.

Nostalgia Critic: So it turns out Cora D enters at the exact same time the colonel does, but that doesn't get Barb's attention. What gets her attention is Cora's husband Axel, who used to be Barb's lover.

Axel: I never wanted to hurt you! Now's not the time to explain.

Barb: Well, you're three years late, Axel. Get out and don't come back!

Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute! Let me recap this: A fascist government is looking for a scientist and spouse working for a resistance who take shelter in a bar under management by the spouse's ex-lover and a corrupted cop? Hmm... now where have I heard that before—CASABLANCA![Casablanca's title screen appears.] I mean...WOW! There's, like, no difference! The plot is literally just Casablanca! Why? Why rip off Casablanca? Did you really think that nobody would notice? Did you think that arguably the most famous romance film of all time was so low on the radar that NO ONE WOULD MAKE THE CONNECTION?! Granted, the titties were a good distraction, BUT THEY CAN ONLY HIDE SO MUCH! I mean, what would Humphrey Bogart have to say about this? [imitating Bogart] Of all the film flops in all of cinema in all the world, she had to rip off mine. Cocksucking bitch.

Nostalgia Critic: By the way, how does that work? If the sword wound works its way to his heart he becomes one of the Black Riders?

Bakshi Frodo: Would I have...?

Bakshi Gandalf: You would have become like them... one of the Ringwraiths.

Nostalgia Critic: Wouldn't that be a little... um... awkward? I mean, I don't think they'd look as intimidating if a little guy in a cloak was running around.

Jackson Ringwraith: [speech balloon] Dude, he's gonna ruin our image!

Nostalgia Critic: Eeh, maybe they'd just give him a desk job.

Ringwraith Desk Jockey: I do hate Mondays.

Nostalgia Critic: Even though I love Elijah Wood as Frodo, The Bakshi one just seemed a little stronger, as well as closer to the book. No offence Wood but point goes to Bakshi.

Jackson Frodo: What do you know about it!? NOTHING!

Nostalgia Critic: [Regarding Gandalf] My only problem in the Bakshi film is he's a little too over the top. Like, compare these two scenes where he yells at Pippin.

Jackson Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!

Bakshi Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time! [Runs off blabbering incomprehensibly]

Nostalgia critic: [Mimics Gandalf's blabbering]

Nostalgia Critic: [As Smeagol] I think we want Diet Coca Cola.

Nostalgia Critic: [As Gollum] No! We want Original Coca Cola Classic!

Nostalgia Critic: [As Smeagol] But we have to watch our Calories! We're trying to lose weight!

Nostalgia Critic: [As Gollum] No! We love the Calories! We love ALL OF THEM!

Nostalgia Critic: [As Smeagol] You suck!

Nostalgia Critic: [As Gollum] Hey, You suck!

Nostalgia Critic: So there you go, Peter Jackson vs. Ralph Bakshi. Though I do feel bad I'm not able to compare "Return of the King" to anything. Oh! Wait a minute! The Rankin Bass version! That's right! They did "Return of the King"! Well, I'll just compare those two then.

Rankin Bass Orcs: [singing] Where there's a whip, there's a way! Where there's a whip-

Nostalgia Critic: There's some people that just keep making appearances here at Nostalgia Central, people like Shaquille O'Neal, Pee Wee Herman, Abe Vigoda and of course, the Austrian beef sandwich himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger. What is it about him anyway? He's so goofy, and yet so likable. Such a bad actor, and yet so entertaining. You can't stop watching him no matter how hard you try. Well, if there's any movie that can make the Arnold formula seem old and stale... apart from all his other ones, it's "Last Action Hero". You'd think the director of Die Hard and Predator would know something about keeping audiences entertained, but in John McTiernan's big budget borefest, we find that even the most action packed director can make the most dull, unfunny and creatively misled of pictures. Now I know what you're thinking, "Arnold Schwarzenegger make a bad movie? Surely you jest!" Well, let's take a look at why "Last Action Hero" is a last action zero. [beat] Trust me, it's a lot funnier than most of the jokes in this movie!

Jack Slater: [To a cop standing in his way] Hey, you wanna be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres! [Kicks him in the crotch, sending him flying offscreen]

Nostalgia Critic: YEAH! [Thinks for a second] I'm sorry, could you repeat that? [The sequence is repeated, followed by another beat] What... does that... mean? I mean, Arnold's lines are corny, but they usually make sense! Is it because "acres" sounds like "aches"? Is it because he kicked him so far it's like the distance of an acre? Are his balls the acres? I mean, WHAT'S THE JOKE?! Arnold, you can't just say random phrases and expect them to magically be funny, you gotta think about them first. It's like saying [Imitates Schwarzenegger's voice] "You want to be an astronaut? [Beat] Trix are for kids!" [Punches the screen]

Nostalgia Critic: I love whores. I love everything about them. How willing they are to sell their souls for money, and how cheerful they can be in the process. I'm not talking about the people who sell their bodies. No, no, no. I'm talking about Media Whores, the people who create stories and ideas solely for the purpose of selling their product. And in the late 80's, early 90's, there was no better brothel for media whores than Nintendo. Now, before you go nuts, I love Nintendo -- who doesn't? It's like the greatest gaming company in the world. But that doesn't mean they didn't sell out time after time when it came to their spin-off products, mostly in television and movie development. Time after time, Nintendo has put out horribly written and horribly executed shows and films that had no interest in actually entertaining the viewer, but rather just selling more Nintendo games and accessories. And heeeeere's another one!

Nostalgia Critic: Ah, yes. "Captain N: The Game Master". The Saturday morning TV show that instantly made you want to play more Nintendo games. Why? BECAUSE ANYTHING WAS BETTER THAN WATCHING THIS PISS-POOR, PUTRID PILE OF PIXELATED PIG SHIT!!!

Nostalgia Critic: So, ya know, aside from lame lines, nonsensical stories and completely misunderstood character development, what specifically is wrong with this show? Well how about the fact that nothing in this world is consistent? For example, we clearly see that pretty much anytime he wants, Kevin can use his Nintendo Pad to pause reality. Well, why the hell doesn't he just do that all the time? Wouldn't that make everything a lot easier? I mean, how come he never confronts Mother Brain like this?

Mother Brain: Prepare to meet your match, Captain N! Ahahaha— [The Critic uses an NES controller to pause her (complete with vintage sound effect), calmly swaps the controller for his gun, shoots her through the face and puts down the gun]

Nostalgia Critic: I'm awesome. [The series announcer exclaims the show's name as the text "END OF SERIES" appears on screen] Or how about these warp zones that they keep using? They can apparently jump from world to world whenever they want, so... why don't they just warp to the inside of the enemy's room and zap 'em? In fact, they do that a few times! It seems so easy, except they don't bring any guards or armies, they just use the Eggplant guy who shits out some vegetables.

Eggplant Wizard: I-I'm just an incompetent vegetable...

Nostalgia Critic: Again, why doesn't Kevin just use the warp zone to shoot Mother Brain when she's in the middle of a hammy speech?

Mother Brain: I'm not only the most beautiful brain in the world, I'm the comman— [The screen shows the Critic's empty chair, then he appears out of nowhere] Ah! [The Critic calmly shoots her in the face again and puts down his gun]

Nostalgia Critic: I'm awesome. [The series announcer exclaims the show's name as the text "END OF SERIES" appears again on screen] But no, there's always some lame-ass excuse as to why he can't just blast her.

Kevin: [As Mother Brain is violently spinning around in her tank] Get to the warp zone! It's too dangerous to finish her off!

Nostalgia Critic: Ah yes, I remember that magic element that was meant to bring back an evil that was almost destroyed. [beat] In fact, I was there. [Turns his head to the left] I was there when the strength of men fell... [Cut to a scene from Lord of the Rings with the Nostalgia Critic & Mario]

Raoul Puke: I was somewhere in the living room, on the edge of the couch, when the drugs began to take hold. The only strange thing is I wasn't on any drugs. It was one of the few instances of sobriety I've ever experienced, and never again will I return to that nasty realm. Because if it's anything like what I saw on the television, then the world of LSD clearly has more sense and logic than that of reality. Hello, I'm Raoul Puke, father of Fozzy journalism. I've covered everything from Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas to Where The Buffalo Roam, but today... today I'm here to tell you about a very particular trip. It is a trip that I wish never to take again. A trip of sobriety, I will not lie, but it came from a very particular place: a children's film. A children's film I hope never to revisit. A children's film that brought out horrid images that I hope never to experience again. There's only one children's film that can possibly bring out this kind of horrible trip in any manner. It is simply known as... "We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story". [The movie's title screen is shown] Clearly these writers and directors had bitten off far more ecstasty than they could chew, because there is no story structure or visual logic that could be obtained from any reasonable, sober human being. At least, let's pray to God there isn't. The fact that these disturbing images is marketed as a children's film is ludicrous and unkind. Clearly, no child should ever have to go through such a horrible punishment. So let's take the ticket... [Lights up a cigarette] ...ride the ride.

Raoul Puke: So the Neweyes fart tells them that his goal is to use the time machine to travel back in time to grant all the wishes of children in the world. I would use it to stop 9/11... unethical jackass. I mean, the Kennedy assassination? The bombing of Pearl Harbor? Really? None of these are important compared to entertaining whiny little bastard children? Well, while you're taking requests, here's a kid named Hitler. He just wants to start his own Third Reich and bring joy and happiness to the world. Why don't you grant him that wish, huh? HUH?!

Raoul Puke: So, the kids decide to join the circus, and Screweyes goes to write up a contract.

Cecelia: But it's blank. [The sheet of paper is indeed blank]

Raoul Puke: Aaargh, it's the script! Suddenly everything about this film makes sense

Rex: [To the little bird from the beginning of the film] Good night, little tough guy. Remember my story.

Raoul Puke: WHY?! What did he teach him? There was no meaning to the story! Those little bastards are still making fun of him, so nothing's changed! Is the moral "Never grow up"? "Always be a mama's bird"? Bullshit! This is a horrible lesson! I mean, nothing was accomplished, goddammit! You'd think with five dinosaurs set loose on Manhattan something would be accomplished! But no! This was a waste of my time and energy! It had no purpose! Big Lipped Alligator Moment? Try Big Lipped Alligator Movie! Threatening visuals! Horrifyingly dull storylines! This movie is awful! You know, it's often said by former drug users that it's actual possible to get more high without drugs than you can with them. [Beat] Well this movie is chock full of that, man! Granted, at times the animation is nice, but it's just deprived of anything that makes the art of cinema animation look decent. It's a depraved, savage work, a work that tries to shove whimsical magic up your ass until it comes out your mouth as toxic fumes whistling "Zippity Fucking Doo-dah". So do yourself a favor: get off the ride... and get a refund. I'm Raoul Puke, and I'm just another freak in the freak kingdom. [In a final homage to "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas", "Jumpin' Jack Flash" plays him off the screen]

Nostalgia Critic: [Laughing] What was that?! [The scene is repeated] Wow, that was... the most over-the-top way to kill somebody. I give you props, guys, that was mighty silly. I mean, it's just so sporadic. You could call it the "Psych Hitler!" You go in to shake someone's hand, and it's like, "Psych, heil Hitler!" Do you think he does that everywhere? Like, at weddings? "A toast to the bride and groom, on this, the happiest day of their—HEIL HITLER!" [Shoots] Or how about bar mitzvahs? You think he does it there? "Jimmy, now that you're officially a man, let us celebrate with this most sacred of Jewish traditi—HEIL HITLER!!!"[Shoots wildly] Or good God, what if he was a kindergarten teacher? [Singing] "The Itsy Bitsy Spider went up the water spout, down came the rain and w—HEIL HITLER!!!!" [Shoots even more wildly]

Nostalgia Critic: So yeah, just going by this movie alone, it appears that Captain America would be the lamest superhero ever. [Pulls out the movie's VHS case] I mean, just look at the highlights on the back of the box. It's Captain America getting beaten up by Red Skull and being strapped to the bomb! These are the heroic highlights, kids! Oh, I also like this where it says that "Captain America [Cuts to the following text on the case] is a high-flying adventure for children of all ages..." [Cuts to the film's PG-13 rating] ...as long as you're over the age of 13!

Nostalgia Critic: But people still to this day can't believe I made such a huge mistake. There were protests in the streets, nations went to war, it tore the world apart. Clearly, there was only one possible thing I could do. To give the situation the dignity that it deserves, I hired one of the greatest generals to read a note of apology that I personally wrote. [Cuts to a clip from "Patton" with the text "Optimus Prime Memorial Service" inserted into the scene]

General Patton: Now I freely admit that my method was wrong, but I hope you can understand my motive, and will accept this... explanation... and this... apology. Dismissed.

Other Soldier: Ten hut!

Nostalgia Critic: I know that looks like a clip from "Patton" but... it wasn't.

Nostalgia Critic I mean everyone seems to die. It's like it was the theme of the movie of something. Live life and then fucking die! The end! Buy our products! (Toys from Transformers Animated are shown)

Nostalgia Critic: [using a Macintalk] Well, it finally happened, I've been traumatized by the movie I just saw, a film so bad that my doctor tells me I may never speak again. What film brought me to such a speechless state? Well, let me tell you the story of a sauerkraut named Uwe Boll. He is being declared the new Ed Wood of the film world, a man who constantly keeps making horrible movie after horrible movie and yet somehow keeps making money. He mostly makes video game films like "House of the Dead" and "Bloodrayne". His gimmick is that he exercises German tax loopholes that reward his investments into the film, even if they totally bomb. So, if the movie loses money, the investor got a tax write-off. He's also well-known for challenging his critics to a boxing match and beating the living manshit out of them. Class act. Because of his unfortunate popularity, many of my viewers have been requesting me to review one of his movies. I took a look at one of his more famous films, "Alone in the Dark", and am now paying the consequences. I'd love to review the movie for you, but I do not want to sound like Stephen Hawking's speaking coach. So, it looks like I'm going to pass on this one unless I can find someone to review...

Spoony: [appears from the left side of the screen] Diiiid someone say Uwe Boll? Man, I've wanted to take a shot at that cinematic Hitler for years!

Nostalgia Critic: How did you get in here?

Spoony: I'm from the future!

Nostalgia Critic: What?

Spoony: I'm just kidding, I broke in.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, not that I wouldn't want to watch the movie again with you, Spoony, but I fear a film this bad would take at least 3 reviewers. So, unless you can find someone else...

Linkara: I saw the Nostalgia Signal in the sky. [shot of the bat signal with the Critic's head over it, with the 60's Batman theme playing]

Nostalgia Critic: Why did I install that?

Linkara: No one should have to watch Uwe Boll alone, especially with Spoony.

Spoony: Hey dude, check out what I can make the Nostalgia Critic say! [starts typing on the Critic's keyboard] "I like to wear women's clothing. I like to wear women's clothing." [the Critic finally stops him]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I guess we have enough people to withstand the horrors of the Boll. So what do you say we watch "Alone in the Dark" with a group in the daylight?

Linkara: Sounds great.

Spoony: Totally looking forward to it.

Nostalgia Critic: Goody.

[As Edward's home goes dark and is being invaded by people with compromised immune systems]

Linkara: How do they even know these guys are evil? They could've been innocent civilians who just wandered in.

Spoony: So they put together that all the nasty monsters and zombie people are coming from this one cave, or mine, or ... something. So they load up and get ready to go snooping around.

Richard Burke: [Shouting] Wait for my command!

713 Guy: [Shouting] We got three perimeters of flashlights set up! And every available agent in the vicinity is in the--

Richard Burke: [Shouting] Look, I don't care what you have to do!

Linkara: I do love just random yelling.

Richard Burke: [Shouting] Look at this place! We need more!

[Nostalgia Critic, Spoony, and Linkara all start shouting random things at the same time]

Spoony: I want everyone deployed and I want a full perimeter around this situation! We got a hard target search for the escaped fugitive! I want everyone searched!

Linkara: Alright, you gotta do this right here! Get this generator right here! Put it right here! Let's row it! And do this! I need scissors, sixty-one!

Nostalgia Critic: [On Macintalk] You! Do more stuff! And you! Do more stuff! And you! Do more stuff than the stuff that the other guy is doing! Stuff! Stuff! Stuff!

Christopher Walken clip: I gotta have more cowbell!

Linkara: So that was Uwe Boll's "Alone in the Dark". How does it fare up? Horrible!

Spoony: It's god-awful!

Nostalgia Critic: [using a Macintalk] Deplorable.

Spoony: I can see why this guy is called the next Ed Wood. His stories make no sense, there's no originality, the plot holes are just gigantic, and on top of all that, it has nothing to do with the game it was based on!

Nostalgia Critic: There, it's over. Now leave.

Spoony: Oh, come on, I got all these other Uwe Boll movies we could watch, like House of the Dead! [the Critic slaps Spoony in the head] Nyeeh!

Linkara: Don't forget to buy Revolution of the Mask! [the Critic tries to poke Linkara in the eyes]

Spoony: Well, if you wanna watch some hot chicks, I got Bloodrayne. [the Critic pokes Spoony in the eyes] Nyeeeoh! Bloodrayne 2? [the Critic takes Bloodrayne 2's case and slaps Spoony in the head with it] Eeeh! [Linkara takes the Critic's hat and hits him with it]

Nostalgia Critic: Pick five.

Linkara: Five! [the Critic slaps Linkara] Nyeeh!

Spoony: Why you gotta be so mean? We could watch Seed. [the Critic elbows and hits Spoony and Linkara simultaneously] That's it, Critic! It's on now! [Spoony catches the Critic in a headlock and begins applying a noogie while Linkara employs ineffectual slaps]

Nostalgia Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

Nostalgia Critic: So Preston gets his bike run over by the Quigley guy, who sees a cop and forgets to write out the amount in the check to cover the injury. So you think his folks would be relieved that he's okay, right? Not in the impractical world of "Bland Shit 101"!

Preston's Mom: I thought we understood about taking care of our valuables.

Preston: It's a piece of junk.

Preston's Dad: Well, if that's how you feel about a gift from your parents, I don't see giving you a new one for your birthday.

Preston: I don't want a new bike, I want my own room.

Preston's Dad: I'm warning you, you're on as thin ice as it is about the bike.

Preston: What I want is my own house.

Preston's Dad: That's it, young man. Until further notice, you are grounded.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Preston's Dad] That'll teach him to almost get run over. I almost had to summon an emotion there. Pfft!

Nostalgia Critic: So the old wins this time around. And as a special treat, here's the original music from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" to play us out. ["Wonka's Welcome Song" from the 2005 film plays instead] No, no, no! PLAY SOMETHING ELSE! [Theme song from It's a Small World theme park ride plays] D'OOOHH! PLAY SOMETHING ELSE! [Theme song from DuckTales plays] AAOOOHH! SOMETHING ELSE, GOD! SOMETHING ELSE! [Theme song from the Doug NickToon plays, then the Critic's head drops before he addresses the camera] Alright, enough is enough. This is the final, this is the very very last straw! WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS... THIS... I DEMAND THAT YOU SHOW YOURSELF! WHO ARE YOU?! HUUHH?! [The Critic's review is paused, and the camera pulls back to reveal it's being manipulated by someone on their computer in an homage to the Daffy Duck cartoon Duck Amuck]

Johnny: Drop it! [The White-O-Meter progresses from "White" to "Very White," then to "Albino" before settling back down] Aw yeah! I'munna drop some funky lyrics! [The White-O-Meter immediately shoots all the way up to "Invisible," accompanied by a dinging noise] Thirty words 'cause you're a nerd, I'm first to third, it's absurd to think that you heard...

Nostalgia Critic: Sweet candy-coated Jesus! Wonder Bread eaten by a conservative congressman in the middle of a snowstorm isn't this white!

Nostalgia Critic: [Laughs again] Just out of nowhere! The next time you're in the middle of an argument with someone, just say it! Just say it out of nowhere. For example, you'll be like... [Cut to Nostalgia Critic sitting down, arguing with Nostalgia Critic standing up]

Critic 1: Don't act like you know what I'm going through. You have no idea what I'm going through!

Critic 2: Well, don't act like you're king of the universe all the time!

Critic 1: I worked very hard to get where I am!

Critic 2: "Hard work"! You have no idea what hard work is!

Critic 1: I WAS FROZEN TODAY! [Critic 2 stares awkwardly at Critic 1 while slowly backing out of the room, closing the door]

Nostalgia Critic: Say it at parties, family get-togethers, whatever. Just sit back and enjoy some of the most awkward expressions you've ever seen in your entire life. [The Critic gives a thumbs up as the line appears on screen and is repeated one more time]

Julie: My name is Julie! My mother's name was Susan! She was killed in a car accident with my father and they're both dead!

[Cut to the Critic now wearing a tuxedo and holding a card as a drumroll is heard off-screen]

Nostalgia Critic: And the award for "Worst Exposition Ever to be Uttered in a Movie" is... [reads the card] ..."The Next Karate Kid"! [claps along with sound of applause] You suck! I mean... WOW! That was just painful! How much more forced could you possibly get?

[The review begins with Linkara in place of the Critic and sporting the former's trademark hat, tie and jacket]

Linkara: Did you know that the Superman films have a parallel history to the Batman movies? "Superman: The Movie" was the first attempt to portray Superman in a serious light. The tagline was "You'll believe a man can fly", and that's exactly what director Richard Donner intended to do: convince an audience that the man they were seeing on screen could actually fly. But the price of this idea came too high for its producers, so Donner was booted off the franchise during "Superman II"'s production and replaced with Richard Lester. In "Superman III", more emphasis was put on comedy and Richard Pryor was even brought in, and boy did it suck balls! But not nearly as much as the cinematic abomination I have to view today. Welcome to "Superman IV: The Quest for Peace", where we learn that wars aren't caused by differing ideologies, power-hungry dictators or economic necessity. Nooo! It's all because of nuclear weapons! Just nuclear weapons and the eeevil people who profit from them! And boy, am I not looking forward to this one bit— [He's interrupted by static and the Critic appears at his desk, stone-faced and unimpressed] Oh, uh, uh hi, Nostalgia Critic! [Back to the Critic, still staring at him] Oh, I, uh [Laughs nervously and starts removing his hat and tie] bet you're wondering what I'm doin' here... [Back to the Critic, still staring] Well see, the thing is that I review comic books and you review movies and I figured if I was gonna review a comic book movie— [The Critic slowly raises his gun and readies it to fire] Yeah, I'll just uh, quit right here...

Nostalgia Critic: Oh no you don't! You started this dumbass review -- we're gonna finish it! But first, get outta those clothes! [Fires the gun, nearly (and inexplicably) hitting Linkara where he's sitting]

Linkara: What the...?! How did you—

Nostalgia Critic: OUT!

Linkara: I'm goin'! I'm goin'! [Leaves briefly]

Nostalgia Critic: Good. [Puts his gun down] So let's go ahead and review... [Thinks for a moment] What are we reviewing again? [The movie's title screen appears] Aww, fuck donkeys!

Linkara: [As Superman stands before the United Nations] Oh God, it's this scene.

Nostalgia Critic: What? What's the matter with it?

Linkara: Just watch.

Superman: For many years now I've lived among you as a visitor. As of today, I'm not a visitor any more. I can't stand idly by and watch as you stumble into the madness of possible nuclear destruction. And so I've come to a decision. Effective immediately, I'm going to rid our planet of all nuclear weapons. [The entire UN audience bursts out in applause. The Critic stares in shock at the screen, while Linkara has a disgusted look on his face]

Nostalgia Critic: Did Superman just say he's going to rid the world of nuclear weapons by himself... whether the governments are unwilling to or not?

Linkara: Mmhmmm.

Nostalgia Critic: And everyone's...okay with this?

Linkara: They are, Critic. Which means that it's time to play... INTERNATIONAL POLITICS! [A flashing logo of "International Politics" comes on screen with game show music, while the Critic looks around in confusion] All right Nostalgia Critic! You're Israel, you're surrounded on all sides by enemies who would happily see you wiped off the map. However, the only thing keeping them at bay is your nuclear arsenal. Now Superman comes along and says that he's going to take that arsenal away. Whaddaya do?!

Linkara: Next question, and this one's for the game. [The Critic makes determined expressions] You're the Soviet Union. You're engaged in a cold war against the United States, and the fear of mutually assured destruction via nuclear weapons is the only thing keeping you and the US from engaging each other in combat with conventional weapons. Suddenly Superman comes along and says that he's going to take away all your nuclear weapons. Whaddaya do?!

Nostalgia Critic: [Communicating via a series of ape-like grunts and gestures] Sometimes it's best to do things as animalistic as possible. For example, if I threw my own feces at the movie I'm reviewing today... you'd consider it an upgrade. What movie could cause such an outburst of beastly behavior? [The movie's title screen is shown, and the Critic starts shrieking and frantically waving his arms] Horrible writing! Lousy acting! Crappy directing! And ape costumes so bad they make Roddy McDowall look like an endangered species. [The Critic reverts to his usual self] So let's take a look!

Nostalgia Critic: [singing a song about how much he hates the movie to make it sound like Circle of Life from The Lion King] NYAAAAAAAH! THIS MOVIE SUCKS! You should get a refund! Go seeToy Storynext time, it's in the theatre next door.

Nostalgia Critic: The film begins with the master of modern-day B movies himself Bruce Campbell, who is so cool that every time someone mentions his name, a man is cured of impotence.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Campbell] Nyah, I just shit this outta my ass. I shit guns, that's how cool I am! [Charles fires it, which produces an intense laser and the Critic returns to reviewing] So he's talking to a member of the CIA who also happens to be his fiancée named Karen played by Laura Linney, who very rarely turns in a bad performance. [Subtitles appear on the screen that say "This is one of those rarities"] They're looking for some sort of rare diamond that apparently can charge their laser guns to the nth degree.

Karen Ross: I read you, Charles.

Charles Travis: Well, eureka and all that. I found the bloody thing. [Charles' surroundings shake, and Campbell does an unconvincing lurch to simulate this]

Karen Ross: What was that?

Nostalgia Critic: [as Campbell] Hokey acting. It's okay, I make a living out of it. [Back to reviewing] They're under the orders of Joe Don Baker, who quite frankly has a lot of other bad movies he could be starring in...

Roger Ebert: That's right, the only fucking religion that has a Reader's Digest as a prayer book.

Nostalgia Critic: [beat] I would just like to point out that, um, not all critics are prejudiced against certain religions. I, for example, am only prejudiced against these: [a very long list of various religions is quickly scrolled across the middle of the screen] Especially the middle one.

Nostalgia Critic: So Fargo takes the questionable plot device of the long walk as Dredd is sentenced to life imprisonment.

Judge Griffin: Let the betrayer of the Law be taken from our courts! Let his armor be taken from him...

Nostalgia Critic: Geesh, guy!

Judge Griffin: ...and all his garb of justice! Let him be stricken from our hearts and our memories... forever!

Nostalgia Critic: [as Griffin] May his nostrils be plucked with sheer disappointment! May the Butt Plug of Shame be shoved up his ass! [now back to reviewing] And of course Fargo goes for that idiotic long walk. [Fargo is escorted out of the city, and a large door is slowly closed behind him]

Nostalgia Critic: [as Fargo] Wait, I forgot my iPod! [door closes and Fargo looks out on to a far-reaching desert] Oh well, I guess it's just me and a lifetime of loneliness... [long pause, then begins singing] One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer! Ya take one down, pass it around...

Nostalgia Critic: Well, it's that time of the year again, and for some reason, people get angry and stressed out. But why? We have Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, three of the best holidays of all time. But why is it that people get this negative feeling, this bad churning in their stomach that they can't avoid? Well, I think I have the answer. And I'm going to tell you. In song.

[He grabs a bamboo cane and dons a top hat as music starts to play.]

It's the holiday clusterfuck, holiday clusterfuck,

Citizens gather together to run amok.

Bucks flying ev'rywhere; folks pulling out their hair;

People are waving while paying with great despair.

If we don't fill winter with dollar bills, then your depression peaks on top...

We'd rather have stress than to be real depressed, so we all shop until we drop.

Malls crowded ev'ryplace; nowhere a parking space;

Ev'ryone's screaming "Get your ass out of my face!"

Buying kids cheap costumes; lines in all the bathrooms;

Paying a fortune (Extortions now in full bloom!)

People are shoving while claiming they're loving that holiday joy they feeel,

And your kids feel that joy if you buy the right toy, so better keep your eyes peeled.

Holiday clusterfuck, holiday clusterfuck,

Citizens gather together to run amok.

Antiques and Christmas cups; Suicide rates go up;

Kids whining, "Buy me a robotic psycho-pup!"

Holidays jumble, three months is a bundle to handle with grace and ease,

We must make a living, so piss off, Thanksgiving, and jump straight to Christmas please.

Going, going and gone. Change decorations out on your front lawn.

Losing that magical touch, seeing your inlaws three times is too much.

Trick or treat, Merry Christmas; Going to church for your annual Mass;

Kwanzaa, Hannukah too; Best get it right; someone's liable to suuue.

Holiday clusterfuck, holiday cluster fuck,

Millions of billions find they're just shit out of luck.

Visiting Santa's crib; lying straight to your kid.

Pray they don't need therapy for your tiny fib.

This shit comes earlier seem almost ev'ry year, making us spend awaaay;

Christmas if we voted should not be promoted right after Saint Patrick's Day.

Christmas and Halloween; Thanksgiving's in between;

Putting on more weight than Shamu on Lean Cuisine.

Snow falling ev'rywhere; Traffic's a real nightmare;

Can't wait for summer; a bummer we're kinda scared.

Emotions flying; our patience is dying; What happened to all our cheeeer?

We whisk money away until Valentine's Day. Thank God it's just once a year.

Nostalgia Critic: Alright. [beat] I hate this movie so much, and this scene in particular, that I'm willing to go so far as to show pictures of starving children that we could've saved with the money used on this picture. [A small montage of clips from the musical number is interspersed by pictures of variously impoverished and sad children] That really fucking makes you think.

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, so it turns out the Rippers are giant kangaroos. Sounds like something Willy Wonka would create when he's completely drunk. And one of them, if you can believe it, is actually played by rapper Ice-T.

T-Saint: Let 'em go? They're spies! I'ma kill 'em myself!

Nostalgia Critic: In fact, how did getting him to sign on for this movie work, exactly? Did he really just think this was the role of a lifetime for him? [as an agent] Alright, Ice-T, I know you've got a lot of projects in the works, but just listen to this movie role. [as Ice-T] Yeah, OK. [as the agent][long pause] You're a kangaroo- [as Ice-T]FUCK YEAH![picture of Ice-T shows up with a subtitle saying "We got T!" with ta-da music.]

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Christmas. I Christmas, so Christmas Christmas. [Pause]CHRISTMAS!![The Critic snaps his fingers, and the backdrop magically changes to a snow-covered house while the Critic gets a cane and lip-syncs the first line of "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year"] I love Christmas! To me, there's only two times of the year: "Christmas," and "Fuck you! When the hell is Christmas?!"

[As the Jack Frost Band is singing their rendition of "Frosty the Snowman" to a packed house]

Nostalgia Critic: They're really trying to pass this off as hardcore rock? What other kids songs do you think are given the "Jack Frost" treatment? [Cut to the Critic air-drumming and the famous guitar riff from "Bad to the Bone" playing] I'm a little tea pot short and stout! [Guitar riff] Here's my handle, here's my spout! [Guitar riff] When I get all steamed up, hear me shout! [Guitar riff] Pour me over, tip me out -- hail Satan! [Song continues while the Critic headbangs and makes the sign of the horns]

[After Hordak shoots down the ship carrying Skeletor and the two children]

Skeletor: Get moving, you two! We have a long walk ahead of us.

Miguel: Please, mister! Be nice! I-It's Christmastime!

Skeletor: Christmastime?

Rob Walker [imitating Skeletor]: Christmastime? I'm Jewish! I get eight candles, a dreidel and a new pair of slacks every year! I'll be as fucking grouchy as I please, you little Hitler youths! Now move it!

Skeletor: Now get moving, you two, before Hordak comes back!

Miguel: We're so cold!

Skeletor: Oh, blast it! [Uses his magic staff to create a pair of warm coats for the children to wear]

Nostalgia Critic: Now that makes you ponder, doesn't it? Why would Skeletor add a coat-creating device on his evil magic wand? [Now imitating Skeletor] "My wand can do anything! It can kill people, destroy cities and make fashionable fur coats!" [Imitating a random henchman] "But why?" [Imitating Skeletor] "'Why? Why?!' What if it gets cold? People need to keep their body heat at a neutral level! It also makes the little umbrellas that you put at the top of drinks!" [Imitating the henchman] "Why does it do that?" [Imitating Skeletor] "Have you ever had a piña colada without one of those little umbrellas on top? It's depressing! Nobody should be subjected to that kind of evil!" [Imitating the henchman] "Oh..." [Imitating Skeletor] "I AM SKELETOR!"

Nostalgia Critic: [Finishing up the Top 11 countdown] And that's my top ele- [A sound that sounds like Yoda's laughter is heard off camera] Okay, what are you laughing at? What's so funny? What, is it the Star Wars Christmas Special thing? Is that it? It's not that funny, okay? It doesn't exist anyway! You hear me? It doesn't exi- [He is interrupted by the doorbell ringin]) Excuse me one moment. [Walks off camera] Hello? A package for me? Well, okay. Thanks. [Sound of a Wookie roaring is heard. The Critic walks back on camera and sits.] What a weird looking mailman. Well, apparently, I got a package in the mail. Lets see what it is. [Opens it to find a DVD case marked "The Star Wars Christmas Special!". He drops it and yelps in shock. The Darth Vader Theme plays as he looks again and picks it up.] No, that's not true. That's impossible!

Darth Vader: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Nostalgia Critic: NOOOO!!!

Emperor Palpatine: You have paid the price for your lack of vision.

Nostalgia Critic: Please! Anything but this! I can't do it, I CAN'T do it! [Clips of various Star Wars characters begin laughing] NOOOOOO!!

Darth Vader: [As the end screen comes up] We would be honored if you would join us.

Nostalgia Critic: The rumors were true, people. In 1978, an actual Christmas special was released under the "Star Wars" name. And it's not like they just got some of the supporting actors to be in it, no, they got the whole friggin' cast: Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, James Earl Jones, the works. And not only that, it has guest stars like Art Carney, Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur, because like most people when you think "Star Wars", you fucking think "Bea Arthur". This special has never re-aired, and to this day George Lucas has apparently gone out of his way to make sure that nobody sees it. So just to recap, this is the guy who said [shows picture of Jar-Jar Binks] this is OK and [shows poster of Howard the Duck] this is OK, which means this is the project that he was personally ashamed of. [beat] I'm gonna go over that again: [shows picture of Jar-Jar Binks] OK, [shows poster of Howard the Duck] OK, [shows picture of The Star Wars Holiday Special] personally ashamed of. [long beat] There are not enough toilets in the world to contain the amount of shit-spewing fear that I am going through right now.

[After Santa Christ wipes the memory of the Holiday Special from the Critic's mind, a song is sung to the tune of "The First Noel"]

[As Ernest and Santa make conversation in his taxi, he opens his glove box to reveal a bumper sticker inside]

Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute, what did that bumper sticker say? [The video pauses, showing that it says "Keep Christ in Christmas"] So Ernest wants to keep the "Christ" in "Christmas" even though he's in a movie about Santa Claus? Yeah, hold on a second. [Whips out his cell phone, dials a number and waits a few seconds before a voice speaks up on the other end]

Nostalgia Critic: Good old Arnold, you're no stranger to my reviews, are you? How can anyone not like this guy? He's a commercial puppet, yet a personal icon. He beats the crap out of people, but has a heart of gold. He's a horrible actor, but by God he's trying. We all love you, Arnold, no matter how good or how bad your movies are. So I tried to figure out which movie did its best to both glorify and exploit everything Arnold has to offer... [Long pause] ..."Commando"! [The movie's title appears, and a crowd of people can be heard booing his choice] Alright, alright, hold on, hold on, now let me make one thing perfectly clear: I love this movie. To me, this is like the quintessential Arnold Schwarzenegger movie ever made. [Beat] But it's stupid as hell! Everything that is wonderful about Arnold and terrible about Arnold is in this movie. Every over-the-top 80's action cliché makes its way into this flick, it's unbelievable! We got one-liners, we got explosions, we got the bad guys in suits, we got kidnapped children, and of course, WE GOT AHNOLD! It's so over-the-top that it's almost like a satire of Schwarzenegger films, it's just fantastic! So put on your black striped make-up that doesn't seem to camouflage anything -- this is "Commando".

[As Matrix's raft reaches a beach, he gears up for the final confrontation and the Critic sings a song along with the music]

[Alex Hesse holds the baby in his hands and we cut to - well, an unpleasent image of the baby. Are you ready for this? OK... IT HAS THE CGI FACE OF ARNOLD! Disturbing, I know.]

CGI Arnold Baby: Mama!

Nostalgia Critic: [Screams in fright at the sight of the baby] AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

CGI Arnold Baby: Mama?

Nostalgia Critic: AHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH!

CGI Arnold Baby: MAMAAAAAAA!!!

Nostalgia Critic: AHHHHHHH! [gets up and runs to the bathroom then shuts the door] AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[The Nostalgia Critic is in the bathroom trying to vomit, and we soon hear splashing in the toilet a few times; after a few dry heaves, NC leaves the bathroom and heads back to his seat, coughing a bit]

Nostalgia Critic: So- [Whispers to himself] Oh, God. [He holds his face with both hands and sobs a bit before putting himself together and calmly speaks softly to the camera] Continue.

CGI Arnold Baby: MAMAAAAAAA!!! [The Nostalgia Critic looks scared]

Nostalgia Critic: So just when you thought an 8-foot Austrian pregnant man in a dress couldn't possibly not be funny, what do they do? [Pop song plays] They play a pop song. Yes, folks, this is supposed to be taken seriously. I'm... I'm just disturbed now. I am disturbed for everyone involved in this movie. I mean, I have no idea what they're trying to get across. Why is this being taken so seriously? And, if you're gonna treat it seriously, why Arnold? In a dress? Talking like a wo--THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!!! You know what, fuck it! Just fuck it! I'm gonna go back to sleep! [The Critic goes back to sleep before we cut to CGI Arnold baby]

[While the Critic parodies Mako's narration of the two "Conan" films, the camera pans down to reveal a poster for the film with Arnold Schwarzenegger's head replaced by Conan O'Brien's]

Nostalgia Critic: Before the time when Conan was known as a great warrior who battled the executive douchebags by leaving the Tonight Show so its glorious legacy could be preserved -- P.S. you got balls -- there was another Conan played by then-relative newcomer Arnold Schwarzenegger! I am the Nostalgia Critic, doing a parody of the great and powerful Mako...[cue the "I cherish Mako" running joke] ...who stars alongside Arnold in these films. It is a time of high adventure, swords and sorcery, and great epic silliness! This is the Conan movies![the title screens for the two films are then shown] Large in scale, small on intelligence, the Conan movies were based off of the great stories written by Robert E. Howard. [beat] But from what I understand they have almost nothing to do with these movies, so we will instead look at the films themselves! They are films before one-liners, before great explosions, and before dental work could fix that great big gap in between your teeth! [camera switches to Arnold revealing his teeth with said gap] Prepare yourselves for phenomenal goofiness!

"Jehnna": [while the dagger is still being raised] Is it you stabbing me in the throat so you can resurrect a god in order to control him and hopefully rule the world? [beat] And a pony?

Conan: [to the others] Save the girl!

"The others": [voiced by the Nostalgia Critic] Oh yeah! I guess we have been standing here the whole time! I was confused 'cause I thought there was an easily breakable piece of glass in front of us -- see, that's the only thing that can hold us back.

Nostalgia Critic: So he chases him into a train tunnel where he starts shouting some crazy nonsense.

Thomas Aquinas: The dark angel is loosed from his prison!

Jericho Cane: [pointing his gun at Thomas] Get down on the ground!

Thomas Aquinas: The thousand years has ended! You don't know what you've done! [Jericho shoots him twice in the leg and he falls to the tracks] Ahh!

[While on the ground, Jericho finds the man was wearing a clerical collar underneath his jacket]

Nostalgia Critic: Whoa, the bum was a priest? Talk about the faith going to your head! I mean, how many bum priests are there?

Chester A. Bum: OH MY GOD!![Performs the Sign of the Cross while reciting a quick prayer in Latin] The Lord works in mysterious ways and shall always grant you CHANGE!! [Holds out his signature styrofoam cup] Ya got change!? Aw come on!

Nostalgia Critic: So the film cuts to twenty years later, where Satan decides to come back to Earth. And how does he do this? By blowing up sewers, flying around as an invisible gargoyle, and possessing Gabriel Byrne from The Usual Suspects!

(Satan, having possessed the banker, now leaves the toilet and walks into a restaurant, walking boldly up to a banker and his wife and seizing the woman and violently kissing her}

Banker: What the Hell..?

(Satan glares at him)

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, G-Gabriel Byrne, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was you - By all means continue groping my wife. Hey everyone, Gabriel Byrne is groping my wife! This is the happiest day of my -

Ma-Ti: Well, I'll tell you how I feel about the whole situation. I'm fucking pissed off! [stops] ...Wait a minute. What's he doing? He's not doing anything! He's just looking at this stupid clip show! [cut to the present day Critic, who is rolling up a joint]

Present-day Nostalgia Critic: [looks up] Eh?

Ma-Ti: What the hell? We watch one hundred episodes of your shit and you just throw this clip show at us? I mean, that sucks ass!

Past Nostalgia Critic: Yeah! The Nostalgia Critic of the past wouldn't do something like that!

Nostalgia Critic: So they call on that fox-tribe you saw earlier to make it look like they're mining for gold as they set out to Washington. [shows an aircraft landing in front of Fort Knox in Kentucky] No...they're not. [shows them entering the fort] They're honestly not! [safe opens to reveal a large amount of gold bricks] ...SON OF A BIIIITCH! TERL?!

Terl: [screen flickers and reveals Terl] Oh, it's you again...

Nostalgia Critic: HOW CAN YOU IDIOTS NOT KNOW ABOUT FORT FUCKING KNOX?! WHAT, YOU NEVER CHECK TO SEE IF WE HARVESTED GOLD TOO?!

Terl: ...Listen...you're probably figuring out by now that we Psyclos are not very smart. In fact the only reason we are able to take over any galaxies at all is that we fart nuclear bombs out of our anuses!

Nostalgia Critic: [beat] Oh...so...none of this has to do with strategic planning or superior intellect?

Terl: Nope! It's just farting bombs![laughs]

Nostalgia Critic: [disgusted and annoyed] You must be a very proud race...

Terl: We are! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a play to rehearse for tomorrow evening! [reciting Hamlet]To be...or not to BE-[screen changes]

[After learning that the radioactive atmosphere of the Psychlo homeworld will cause any explosion to be magnified in power until it destroys the planet]

Nostalgia Critic: [Starts by holding his head in his hands and groaning] So, this military force of a planet that has an atmosphere made out of radiation... has never had an explosion? [Beat] This race is more gun-happy than Charlton Heston's shooting gallery, and yet there's NEVER BEEN AN EXPLOSION ON THIS PLANET?! THEY COULD LOOK AT A KITTEN AND SOMEHOW THEY'D MAKE IT BLOW UP! THESE GUYS ARE CRAZY! THERE'S NEVER BEEN AN EXPLOS— YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT????!!!! THIS IS STUPID!!!! THIS IS STUPID!!!!! STUPID, STUPID, [The camera speeds up] STUPID, STUPID, [x14]. STUPIIID!! STUPID!! IT'S SO INCREDIBLY STUPID!! THIS IS THE WORST PIECE OF SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!! GOD, HORSE, ASS, WHOLE PACK OF SHIT!! STUPID SHIT! THIS IS STUPID SHIT!!! ASS, FUCKFACE, DICKHEAD, ASSHOLE, YOU IN THE ASS FUCKED HARD!! STUPID!! IT'S SO UNBELIEVABLY STUPID!! SHIT, SHIT, SHIT [x12]. ASS!! ASS, WHORE, ASS, SHIT, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, MOTHERFUCK!!! [With the camera still sped up, the critic sobs, then returns to normal speed] OK. The thought occurs to me that perhaps, I'm just not in the right mindset for this movie. [Picks up a hammer] So, to fix this problem, I'm going to make the proper alterations. [Cut to a picture of the Critic in a straitjacket on a pink background, surrounded by Tweety Bird which reads "Please excuse this slight mental breakdown..." over sounds of the Critic yelling in pain over repeated hammer strikes, then back to the Critic with his glasses askew and a blank expression on his face, lisping] Duhhuhhuh... I like spaceships...

["Directed by Roger Christian" signifies the beginning of the credits]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, fuck you Roger Christian, whoever the fuck you are! This is an absolute ass of shit! This is bad! I mean, really, really... bad! The acting's over the top, the camerawork's a joke, the story is beyond idiotic, it's just bad! Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad! And like I said, how are we supposed to believe even for a millisecond that these dumbasses of a race are supposed to take us over? [The screen flickers and the film's villain, Terl, appears on-screen]

Terl: Just you wait, Critic, for soon we will conquer your primitive species, just like we have for centuries— [There is the sound of an explosion and the screen shakes] Uh-oh!

Nostalgia Critic: What's wrong?

Terl: Oh, it looks like someone lit a cigarette on our home planet, and now the whole damn thing's going to explode.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, it's...

Terl: Yeah.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, is there anything I can do?

Terl: No, no, it's cool. Just let me work on my dying words. [Dramatically] Ohhh— [There is an explosion. Terl's image disappears, and is replaced by some color bars]

Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, the kids are held hostage by the Terminator while a robotic Abraham Lincoln tries to save them but this mechanical bear pops up and okaaay! I went too far obviously — let's go back and see what we missed. OK, they snuck in a building... there's the Terminator... there's Lincoln... there's the mechanical bear... ooohhh! And a robotic Nixon! OK, this all suddenly makes sense! So... the animatronics are holding a trial to see if the kids are worth electrocuting to death as Abe Lincoln and Richard Nixon defend their sides... [The Critic stares into the camera, clearly confused, then pulls out a white box labeled "ACID" and tries to pour out its contents, only to find it's empty, to which he shrugs and shakes his head] Nope, the movie's just weird.

Nostalgia Critic: So Robin — being as wonderful as he is with kids and all — tries to ditch the brats behind and leave without them. But the kids make it back before he can leave, meaning they're leaving this good ol' Disneyworld knock-off behind them. [As Robin, Jamika and the kids drive home, Fun World starts collapsing behind them]

Mickey Mouse: DAMN YOU, BÉBÉ'S KIDS! THE MOUSE WILL HAVE VENGEANCE ON YOU! I WILL SEE YOU PERISH IN FLAMES! I HAVE CONNECTIONS TO THE LORD OF DARKNESS! YOUR ASS IS GRASS! THEY WON'T RECOGNIZE YOUR BODIES! I WILL STEAL YOUR SOULS, BÉBÉ'S KIIIIIDS! [voice slowly trails off]

Nostalgia Critic: [as Mr. Robinson] OK, let's recap: we locked Dracula in the brig, Joey from "Friends" is piloting, we have a chipmunk for a daughter, our other daughter is Rollergirl and we haven't even encountered the space monkey yet. Boy, we're in a tight spot!

Will Robinson: [Speaking to the future version of the ship's robot] Do you remember what I taught you? About friendship?

Nostalgia Critic: "Anastasia" is often referred to as a cheap Disney knock-off, but we know that isn't true -- no, it was an expensive Disney knock-off, and a lot of that is shown in this song. It's upbeat, but it's also very threatening, and on top of that the theme is so catchy it's almost impossible to get out of your head.

Bug Chorus: In the dark of the night, terror will strike her

Rasputin: Terror's the LEAST I can do!

Bug Chorus: In the dark of the night, evil will brew (Oooohh!)

Nostalgia Critic: Now here's the funny thing about this song -- at least, from my point of view -- when I first heard it, I heard it on the soundtrack without any visuals, and naturally I thought it was awesome. When you hear it alone, though, what visions come to your head?

Bug Chorus: In the dark of the night, evil will find her

Nostalgia Critic: See, I think of something out of a Meat Loaf cover, like monsters singing, skeletons on guitar, something really really cool like that. But then when I finally saw the movie, what did I get?

Rasputin: Soon she will feel that her nightmares are real

Nostalgia Critic: Prancing pink bugs. [long pause, then the Critic releases his anger in one word]FAIL!

Nostalgia Critic: He keeps this weird British monotone throughout the entire song. Dude, you're on a mountain of evil! How about a little "oomph" in your voice!? [imitating Scar during "Be Prepared" in a weird British monotone] Be king undisputed, respected, saluted... how am I gonna get down from here?

Nostalgia Critic: Granted it's in a children's movie and a Disney one at best. But this villain song really took chances at exploring the tortured Psyche of one of Disney's greatest bad guys. It's centred around Judge Frollo who has fallen into a lustfull obsession with the gypsie fugitive Esmerelda. And even though he's not a priest in this version, he still considers himself very religious. And his impure thoughts about the woman send him into an ethical battle from hell.

Judge Frollo: This burning desire is turning me to sin. [a group of red cloaked figures appear in the room]

Nostalgia Critic: I think these guys are the best. I don't even know what they symbolize, they just scare the shit out of the little people you see.

Judge Frollo: It is the gypsie girl, the witch who sent this flame.

Red cloaked choir: Mea maxima Culpa. (Through my most grievous fault)

Judge Frollo: It's not my fault, if in God's plan he made the devil so much stronger than a man!

Nostalgia Critic: It's an interesting song too because he's not singing about how evil he is, rather how he's slipping into deep insanity brought up by his sexual desire, and that the only cure is to destroy the obsession itself, or rather herself.

Judge Frollo: Destroy Esmerelda and let her taste the fires of Hell, or else let her be mine and mine alone!

Nostalgia Critic: As far as kids' films go, it has all the no-noes. Half naked women, sexual cravings, religious taboos, and all under the name of the mouse. [A picture of Mickey appears in front of the fire]

Nostalgia Critic: This is one of the most dramatic and well thought out of all the villain songs, and it's visuals match the music and lyrics perfectly.

Judge Frollo: God, have mercy on her.

Choir: Kyrie Eleison. (Lord, have mercy)

Judge Frollo: God, have mercy on me.

Nostalgia Critic: It's probably the most risqué Disney has ever gotten. Those who love villains couldn't be happier for it. Intense, diabolical, vengeful, sexual, conflicting, Hellfire seems to have it all which is why I can easily deem it the number 1 villain song.

[Comparing Ruber with Doctor Smith from "Lost in Space", both played by Gary Oldman]

Nostalgia Critic: Come on, Gary Oldman, you're a great actor. Why were you choosing these obvious villain roles at the time? I mean, there's just nothing subtle about— [A time portal opens to the Critic's left, revealing the Spider Dr. Smith from "Lost in Space"]

Spider Smith: Did somebody question my subtle acting?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, come on, Doctor Smith, you're about as subtle as a fucking train wreck... on a boat.

Spider Smith: Oh, come now. There are several differences between me and that Ruber fellow. For example, I want to seize power and control through a legion of spiders!

Nostalgia Critic: But, that Ruber guy wants to seize power and control too.

Spider Smith: But not with spiders!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, for God's sake, you know what you need to do, Doctor Smith?

Spider Smith: Does it involve spiders?

Nostalgia Critic: No! You need to be diabolical! Actually fool people into thinking you're a kind, gentle, caring person. You think you can do that?

Spider Smith: [Long pause as he looks himself over] ...think the boat's sort of sailed on that one.

Nostalgia Critic: [beat] Did he just say "the ogre's butt"? [The line and scene are repeated] OK, that's not a sentence, that's a noun. That's not even a good noun! In fact, this is where Gary Oldman should've known this movie was going to suck: when he had to just say the line "The ogre's butt!"

[Cut to a "recording" of Gary Oldman conversing with the movie's script writers in a recording studio somewhere]

Gary Oldman: Gentlemen, I-I-I want to talk to you about this line...

Writer: Which is that?

Oldman: "The ogre's butt!"

Writer: What about it?

Oldman: Is... is that it? Simply "The ogre's butt"?

Writer: Yeah, it's an ogre's butt. What's wrong with an ogre's butt?

Oldman: Oh nothing, I have nothing against the ogre's butt, I'm sure the ogre's butt is lovely. However, there doesn't seem to be any reason for the ogre's butt! How about perhaps a, uh, verb or predicate clause like "Look out for the ogre's butt!" or "Oh no! We are under the ogre's butt!" or, if you'll permit me, "Woe is me and all others who are trapped under ogre's butt...s-s-s-s!"

Writer: "Ogre's butt" isn't plural.

Oldman: Duly noted, but at least that one came with a conjunction. Grammatically speaking, I think that makes the ogre's butt much more palatable.

Writer: Look, just stick to the script.

Oldman: But I ask you: how does it make any sense? I'm a Shakespearean-trained actor—

Writer: Hey, weren't you that spider in "Lost in Space"?

Oldman: [Long pause] ..."Ogre's butt" it is.

Writer: Get to work, puppet. [Oldman sighs]

Nostalgia Critic: In fact, I want an answer! I want an answer right now! And not only do I want an answer, I want an answer that is the most innocent, perfect being that I can think of: Mary Poppins. That's right, Mary Poppins is gonna be my representation of this movie! So tell me, Mary Poppins, how do you explain this bullshit that we just witnessed?

Mary Poppins: First of all, I would like to make one thing quite clear...

Nostalgia Critic: AAAHH! [shoots him] BERT! Oh no, I killed Bert too! Okay, I gotta get out of here before I start killing any more innocent Disney characters! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to!

Nostalgia Critic: [speaking about the Jerry Lewis version] Also, I never quite got the ending to this movie. He makes a big, really well put together speech about being yourself just as he's being exposed to everybody. Yet later, it looks like the girlfriend sneaks a couple of bottles of the formula for herself. Is she gonna sell 'em? Is she gonna use them on Lewis again? Either way, doesn't that sort of go against the moral and the characters of the story for that matter? They just never ever make this clear. Explain, movie! EXPLAIN! [a tiny explosion is ignited on the Critic's head in a callback to his review of Quest for Camelot] Oh good, that was just a little one.

Nostalgia Critic: [After showing the scene in the remake in which Buddy Love takes revenge on the bully played by Dave Chapelle] Now, be honest. Don't some of you wish you could do this to Dave Chapelle. [Cut to the Critic pretending to bang Dave Chapelle's head on the table after each sentence] How dare you leave the Chapelle Show? That show was in it's prime! How dare you only give us a few seasons you damn comedic genus?! [Continues to bang his "head" on the table while pretending to cry]

Nostalgia Critic: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it— [suddenly goes into a fit of rage] I fuckin' hate "Bio-Dome"! I fuckin' hate "Bio-Dome"! I fuckin' hate "Bio-Dome"! I fuckin' HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! [Screams like a crazy man until he gets splashed with a bucket of water, calming him down] Thank you. Anyway, I fucking hate "Bio-Dome". [The movie's title screen is shown] I mean, I don't think I've seen a more annoying and obnoxious piece of cancerous ass. It's so grating and ear-rapingly bad that I'm surprised the movie itself hasn't been arrested for indecent exposure. It may not be the worst movie, but trust me, it's in the top five. This is the movie, [Shows the "Bio-Dome" DVD] these are my wrists after watching the movie, [Shows his two wrists covered in bandages after being (presumably) slit] and these are the notes I took during watching the movie. [Shows a piece of paper with the word "Why?" typed over and over to the camera, then slams it down] I've never been so happy to get something over with, so let's just go ahead and get this over with!

Nostalgia Critic: [On Bud and Doyle] They live in that wonderful time of the 90s where stupid guys didn't really have to have jobs, and yet somehow they live in relatively nice places. Oh, and they also somehow date really hot chicks as well. Come on, are we really supposed to believe the 90s were like that? [Cut to another room with "Smells Like Teen Spirit" playing in the background]

90s Kid: DUUUUUUUUDE! The 90s are like that, man! People like us don't need jobs because we're delightfully quirky! Houses and babes just drop into our laps!

Nostalgia Critic: [On Bud and Doyle being tricked] So they get to the spot, only to find out that the ladies tricked them.

Doyle: [Looking at the dried-up lake] There used to be fish here, remember?

Bud: Yes, I did, Doyle. A long time ago, when we were kids right? [Flashback to a young Bud, whose mother is holding his head underwater]

Young Doyle: Leave Bud alone, Mom!

Mother: I'm teaching Bud how to hold his breath underwater. [pulls Bud up] Much better, Bud! Now, let's try for three minutes. [pushes him back underwater]

Nostalgia Critic: Yaaay! You tried to tell a joke! You get a vast, empty void of silence!

Nostalgia Critic: I'm beginning to think this movie is the predecessor to all those really bad YouTube videos you see. Ya know, the ones where two dickheads do dickhead-ish things while one dickhead laughs at the other dickhead while that dickhead gets hurt but sadly isn't crippled for life? That's this movie.

Nostalgia Critic: So what do they do now that they're finally released out of their environmental prison? Throw a party, of course, as they invite everyone they know back to the Bio-Dome so they can have a rockin' good time. The girlfriends hear about it at some sort of Earth Day event where they [The camera shows Tenacious D performing on-screen for the first time ever] TENACIOUS D?!

Nostalgia Critic: NNNNNOO! NNNNNNOO! GO BACK TO TENACIOUS D, YOU ASS-MONGRELS! DON'T YOU KNOW REAL COMEDY WHEN YOU SEE IT?! [The scene switches to Bud and Doyle leading a procession of party-goers atop two portable thrones] D'OOOOHHH! HOW DARE YOU CUT BACK TO THOSE COCK-EATERS! YOU PASSED OVER THE ONLY TALENTED PEOPLE IN THE MOVIE, YOU MORONS!! It's like looking at a line-up of the world's greatest martial artists and being like, "Jackie Chan? I don't think so. Bruce Lee? Maybe next time. Steven Seagal, get in there!" [Long pause, then out of nowhere...]ASS!

Nostalgia Critic: [after watching Bio-Dome] Fuck this movie! [slow motion] FUCK THIS MOVIE FOREVER! [normal speed] I'm the Nostalgia Critic. [looks at the DVD for a short second, then chews on it, grabs a gun and shoots it, spits on it, then slams the gun down] I remember it so YOU don't have to! [walks off camera, shudders angrily]

The Elephant in the Room: Everybody's thinking about it. They're wondering if you're going to address it and you're just tap dancing along it like some sort of idiotic moron.

Nostalgia Critic: You know, Alright, fine, I'll address this. In 2003, Jonathan Brandis committed suicide. Any death is tragic, and this one is no exception. And you know what? His acting wasn't half bad. I remember him on seaQuest and Ladybugs and stuff. Even though the film choices weren't always great, he usually did OK. He's a relatively decent actor. I just don't think he did especially well in this movie, and it's not his fault. I mean, it's a horribly written character -- he's a dumbass, as you'll see in a few moments. So just to make it clear, I have nothing against Jonathan Brandis as a person. [turns back to the Elephant] There, is that good?

The Elephant in the Room: [beat] Gee, that was awkward.

Nostalgia Critic: You know, fuck you, you goddamn elephant! [The Burger King makes his customary appearance at the sound of that word] Oh, no no no! Not that, not -- [muttering] Forget it...

Falkor: Did somebody say 'chase?'

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, it's our favorite flying tampon!

[While Falkor and Bastian are chasing the dragon]

Bastian: Fly forward, Falkor!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh hey, uh just an idea here... Why don't you wish the fucking thing away?! In fact, why don't you wish all the bad guys away? This makes no sense! If he makes a wish, he loses a memory. Yeah, I got that. But, why doesn't he wish the Memory Machine away? They never say there's any limitations, so this movie should be over in, like, 2 seconds! Can't you just be like... [imitates Bastian] I wish for a gun. [The Critic's gun magically appears in his hand and a ball come out of the machine] I wish for that machine to disappear. [The machine disappears with a "poof". Xayide has a sad face pasted on her face] Bye. [Shoots Xayide's face off, puts the gun down then dances to the first film's theme song]

Atreyu: We need weapons!

Bastian: I wish for...a spray can! [a spray can appears in his hand]

Nostalgia Critic: What th- a fucking spray can?! That's the best you can come up with?! What's with the imagination in this kid! I thought he was the last great dreamer or something and all he can come up is a fucking spray can? The fantasies he thought up in Sidekicks were more impressive than this! ...In fact..he should just wish for Chuck Norris!

Announcer:A-CHUCK-A-NORRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah! They can turn everybody into ninjas, have a rockin' battle, everything will be awesome, it would be the coolest adventure ever! But no, we get spray cans. Honest to God, spray cans. I have no remorse for this idiot if something bad happens to him.

Professor Brainard: Well I just got tired of you stealing my ideas, Wilson.

Wilson: I won't deny that I hate you for your brilliance. I'm petty, corrupt, and to that end, I have profited from your ideas.

Brainard: Why are you here?

Wilson: Well to be honest, I'm here this weekend to steal your fiancée and make her my wife.

Nostalgia Critic: WOW. That is the most blunt villain ever. I should really hate what an obvious cardboard cut-out he is, but to be honest, it's kind of refreshing. I just love the lack of creativity with him. It's like he just came out and said "I'm the antagonist. I tied your girlfriend to the railroad tracks, put a bomb on a bridge and ate puppies for dinner. No reason -- I'm just evil." [beat, then sits back and laughs maniacally]

Narrator: [during a VERY boring scene that can be considered a Big Lipped Alligator Moment]BIG LIPPED... Oh, God, I'm bored.

[after Robin Williams fails to make it to his wedding for the fourth time, but his fiance marries him anyway]

Nostalgia Critic: WHAT?! You mean he still couldn't make it to the wedding?! This guy is ass scum!

Robin Williams: I'll meet you at the reception, I'm almost done.

[audience applauds]

Nostalgia Critic: No! Stop applauding! This isn't charming, this is disturbing! Very, very disturbing! After four times, he still couldn't make it to the altar? He is a ball of shit! Why are you marrying him? Nothing in the case said he would be a good husband! Where do you spend your honeymoon, divorce court? Imagine if you guys had kids, what would happen then? [imitating Robin Williams] Ho-ho, I'm sorry that I drowned little Timmy, but I'm really working on this very important experiment! [normal voice] What a way, woman! What a way! Go marry that jerky guy, he would at least show up! True, he's a diabolical villain, but, he would fucking show up! WHAT A HORRIBLE ENDING! What a horrible movie. WHAT A FLAT-OUT HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE!

[The Critic appears onscreen in black-and-white with piano accompaniment as in a silent film, and he addresses the camera via a series of text screens in between segments of him silently mouthing said text]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, it happened again, for the third time in under two years I lost my voice. [The Critic is then clearly agitated, shouting a bunch of words angrily at the camera] Darn. [The Critic speaks again] So there's good news and there's bad news... [The Critic speaks] The bad news is all the NCs will have to be pushed back about a week. [The Critic speaks] The good news is this will give me more time to work on the two year anniversary... [The Critic speaks] Which is going to be shown the week of May 17th. [The Critic speaks] And it is going to be AWESOME! [The Critic speaks] Still, I feel bad not having anything for you guys this week... [The Critic speaks] Here's "Ask That Guy" raping Ma Ti.

[After shooting That Guy]

Ma-Ti: Oh my God! This has been a weird fucking day people. I came here to talk about carbon emissions. But instead I had to get raped by him! Thank God I had this gun. Fuck him! And fuck you too, internet! You clicked on this link, you wanted to see this! I'm like fourteen! The fuck is wrong with you people?! You need to get out of your house, you're so desensitized... to all this crap and pornography and all this bullshit that's on the internet! For God's sake, go out and play some basketball or something!! Okay. I think I'm finished. I'm going to rape him now. That’s what you want, isn't it? That’s what you came here to see, huh?! Somebody doing someone and... FUCK! You crazy fucks!!! I'm going to rape him now. I hope you're happy!

Nostalgia Critic: Plus, there's just some all-around strange scenes in the new one. Like how about when the director tells the writer exactly where they're going? This is one of the oddest things ever. It's totally over the top for no reason.

Carl Denham: It has a local name, Jack, but I'm warning you it doesn't sound good. [Whispers] They call it... [Inaudible]

Jack Driscoll: [Typing and saying the letters out loud in slow motion] S...K...U... [Cut to the Critic, disoriented and confused by the scene] L...L... [Denham sees another member of the crew inadvertently overhearing the conversation, then the Critic is seen again] ...Island. [Types out the word]

Nostalgia Critic: What a depressing case this is. This movie doesn't know if it wants to be for adults, kids or the mentally handicapped. It is unpleasant, unfunny, and quite frankly, unwatchable. What other symptoms you may ask? Well, let's take a closer look. We start off with a girl having a fairy tale read by her mother.

Elizabeth: And do they live happily ever after?

Elizabeth's Mother: Of course, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: How do you know?

Elizabeth's Mother: She was a good little girl. If she had been naughty, the prince would've run away.

Elizabeth: What a pile of shit.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, we're off to a good start as we cut to our credits that, surprisingly, are written in crayon. We see that this movie stars... Phoebe Cates... Phoeb... that chick from "Gremlins". And is accompanied by Rik... Mayall.. My-yall... Miyayall... that guy from "The Young Ones". And is directed by... [reads "Ate de Jong"] Oh fuck you, let's just cut to the movie.

Nostalgia Critic: No, it's not Freddy Krueger, but out of an old jack-in-the-box, something even more wicked this way comes — annoying British humor.

Drop Dead Fred: Come on! Wheeeee-OHH!!! [slides down the handrail to having his nuts crunched] Who put that there?! Oh, I forgot to give you something... [picks his nose, fingers snot on Lizzie's cheek, runs off laughing]

Nostalgia Critic: You know there's a thin line between funny and god-awfully horrendous? Luckily, he comes nowhere near that line. He's just god-awfully horrendous.

[Elizabeth sees what looks like her husband pass by on a boat, and Fred appears]

Nostalgia Critic: So he comes aboard dressed as the bastard child of Cap'n Crunch and Lucky Charms as they try to chase after Charles' boat.

Drop Dead Fred: Aye-aye captain! [Somersaulting] Drown the fishes! [Breaks numerous things on board the house boat, then stands at its prow] Captain Fred's in chaaaarge!

Nostalgia Critic: [Skipping his usual opening line] I gotta tell you, my work's not always easy. I mean, granted, this is the greatest job in the world, but whenever somebody asks you "What did you do at your job today?" and you have to answer "I watched 'Care Bears: The Movie'", I die a little inside. [Beat] Yeah, I die a little. How can anyone say that with any shred of dignity? How can anyone speak that with any pride? [Beat] You can't. Roll it. [The movie's title screen appears] Yes, the Care Bears were pretty big in their day. Disgustingly cute, disgustingly nice and disgustingly marketable, how could any child not get wrapped up in their disgusting-ness? So when this movie came out, children roared with applause and parents cringed in fear knowing that they would have to sit through this technicolor vomit. Is it as bad as it looks? Well there's only one way to find out: let's take a look at... [Sighs deeply] ..."Care Bears: The Movie."

Nostalgia Critic: [As one of the orphanage kids] Mr. Cherrywood, there seems to be a lot of holes in your story. Why would they never follow a river in the sky? Th-they just never questioned why it was there? And for that matter, if they've never followed it before, why would they have a giant sailboat on standby?

Nostalgia Critic: [As Mr. Cherrywood] Quiet, or I will smack you with my ring hand.

Nostalgia Critic: Actually, I always wondered what would be counted as quote, unquote "caring". I mean, if I'm ordering a pizza with a friend is it like...

Friendship Bear: The two of us aren't enough! [The bird swoops down for another attack, but is pelted with the combined Stares of all the Care Bears on the boat from before]

Nostalgia Critic: [As the Care Bears]TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHERFUCKER![The bird disappears as Kim, Jason and the cousins start celebrating and the Critic returns to reviewing] Pfft, well fuck caring! The answer to this problem was violence. Wonderful, caring violence!

[When the care bears have failed to stop the Evil spirit's spell]

Cozy heart Penguin: Nicholas?

[Nicholas appears with wide eyes and a flowing cape]

Nostalgia Critic: [Laughing] Oh, Jesus!

Nicholas: [Possessed voice] Where are they?

Nostalgia Critic: This kid could totally give the emperor from Star Wars a run for his money!

Nicholas: [Emperor Palpatine's voice] Now, young Skywalker... you will die!

Nicholas: You're too late. Too late!

Nostalgia Critic: [As Nicholas] "I have officially become a vampire! Not one of those sparkly ones, though, they totally suck ass.

Tenderheart: Jason, the key (Jason digs on his pocket and takes out the key but the spirit fires a beam at the key making it releases energy waves)

Nostalgia Critic: If you thought Jaws 2 was unnecessary, here's a sequel that adds even more unnecessary-ness. Crappy effects, boring characters and 3D that's so lame, you'll be looking at your hand thinking that it's flat. And of course, what I mean by bad 3D is NO 3D! This movie doesn't come with any glasses or anything so it's entirely pointless. In 3D... [begins spazzing his hand towards the camera]...this looks really impressive, but in real life, I look like a freaking spazz! This is what we're in for people, [points to his hand] an hour and a half of this, so lets take a look. [continues spazzing his hand] Annoyed yet?

Nostalgia Critic: So through some really confusing dialogue, I guess the shark dies because they put him in the wrong tank. Unfortunately, that doesn't distract the people from the dead guy floating in the water. [A group of people scream at the corpse and, for some reason, someone pushes a girl closer to the window, causing her to meet face to face with the corpse. The Critic snickers] Who's the A-hole who pushed the girl into the dead body? I mean who does that? [The clip plays again. The Critic points to the right] Oh, hey! A dead guy! [Makes a "Scooch in" gesture with his arms] Scooch in closer, Susie, we oughta get a picture of this! [The girl screams] Oh, grow up!

Nostalgia Critic: Unfortunately, Jaws starts floating towards the base. Oh, and I don't mean "swim", I mean "float" -- having actual movement would require another double-A battery. [True to his description, the shark swimming towards the people behind a piece of glass is not moving at all, and the people scream in slow motion] By God! She's very very very very very slowly coming towards us! We only have hours to escape! HOURS! [The shark finally shatters through the glass, not moving at all after the breakage] Oh-ho-ho! The effects for this movie never cease to amaze me. I especially love how Jaws just freezes in time as a vacuum of water floods into the building. It's like she's so bad that she ascends above water -- even the elements of earth can't possibly stop her.

Nostalgia Critic: So Willy gets so mad at the constant clapping that he actually rams the glass, which actually results in one of my favorite scenes from one of the henchmen. [He checks a newly sprung leak coming from one of the tank's bolts, looks back at Willy and smugly eats a piece of popcorn while dramatic music is inserted into the clip, and the Critic laughs in response to it all] No one can eat popcorn so devilishly! Seriously, you can put that in, like, any heartwarming scene and it just would suck the love right out of it! [A scene from "The Princess Bride" is queued up]

Buttercup: I will never doubt again.

Westley: There will never be a need. [He leans down to kiss her, then the henchman eating popcorn with the same dramatic music is played again afterwards]

Nostalgia Critic: You see? It makes anything sinister! Try it out on some other movies, I wanna see what you come up with.

Nostalgia Critic: [starts the review by angrily pacing around in a circle. He's so angry, he cannot address the audience calmly] This movie... DUH! [Paces around some more] I mean it's... DAH! [Paces around some more] It's really... FUCKITY FUCK FUCK! Okay... I apologize—FUCK FUCK FUCK! Okay... I'm really sorry, it's just... man, is this a bad one! I mean, just saying the title of this movie pisses me off. That's how bad it is. Watch. [Clears his throat and collects himself] "A Troll in Central—" FUCK THIS MOVIE! [Pounds the table, then punches himself across his face] "A Troll in Central Park". [The movie's title screen is shown] I mean, talk about pandering to your kids and not having any respect for their intelligence. Often considered Don Bluth's worst film, this movie doesn't even seem like a real kid's movie. It seems like a parody of a kid's movie. [Shows a clip from "The Simpsons" Episode "Some Enchanted Evening" (1990) to prove his next point] You know on a show when you see kids watching TV and some over-the-top nonsense is playing that obviously nobody put any thought into? You know, 'cause it's in the background and nobody needs to pay attention to it? Yeah, imagine a whole movie like that: just a complete waste of time that has nothing to offer. I don't care if it's innocent and cutesy. It's a piece of shit, with no constructive creativity that any audience member can see. I had to sit through it, now you're gonna sit through it! Let us venture through "A Troll in Central Park". [Beat] GOD!

Nostalgia Critic: [gasps] DID HE ACTUALLY SUGGEST THAT SOMEONE HAVE BALLS IN THIS MOVIE?!?

Stanley: I'd help you if I could, but I can't! She'll turn me to stone, and I don't want to be rock-enized.

Gus: You'll never have a dream come true! And you know why?

Nostalgia Critic: Take your pick. [The screen briefly shows: He's annoying. He's obnoxious. He won't shut up. He's a pansie. He sings to flowers. He's as bland as Edward from Twilight. He's vomitingly cute. His logic makes no sense. He needs to die. He looks like a rejected muppet. He's a coward. He has three teeth. He's a delusional nutball. He lives in Central Park yet is still alive. He's ruining this whole frigging movie, as well as cinema in general. The oompa loompas could beat him up. He makes Mini-Me look tall. He gets excited when toddlers kiss him. He's the only troll more annoying than the ones from Encyclopedia Dramatica. A termite has bigger balls than him. Did I mention he's annoying?]

Gus: You're a coward! [Throws his toy boat]

Nostalgia Critic: [Picks "He's a coward." accompanied by a "Ding!" sound] Good choice.

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah. And I finally realized that I can dream just as strong as you can dream, maybe even outdream you. So, I've a very special dream lined up for you right now. I hope you enjoy it. [starts to think]

Nostalgia Critic: Where do I even begin with this? Whoopi Goldberg and a dinosaur go solving crimes—nope. Can't even begin with that. That's the premise. The premise is so stupid I can't even begin with it. So let's begin with how they came up with the premise: some jackass executives are in an office saying "Hey! We've gotta make some money real quick while putting absolutely no effort into it. Hmm, why don't we take an A-minus-list actor and whatever the hell's popular right now and team 'em both together? Hmm, now let's see, uh, oh! I know! How about Betty White and a Ninja Turtle? [A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, then a red "X" covers them along with a buzzing noise] No no no, ooh! How about William Shatner and Pokémon? [A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, and the same graphic and sound are played] Nah, that's too obvious. Oh, I got it! How about Damon Wayans and that gecko from the GEICO commercials? [A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, and the same graphic and sound are played] No no, wait for summer...oh! I got it! I really got it! [Laughs] How about Whoopi Goldberg and one of the dinosaurs from that "TGIF" sitcom? [A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, and the same graphic and sound are played one more time] Fuck you, I'm lazy." "Theodore Rex"!

Nostalgia Critic: So let me get this straight: dinosaurs do not only exist in this world, but they also have telepathic powers. Well I don't know about you but this story about a walking talking dinosaur who solves crimes in a Utopian future has totally lost me on its credibility.

Nostalgia Critic: This especially pissed people off because now Darth Vader has his suit on. He's bad-ass. He's the character we all recognize. He wasn't whiny Anakin any more. And what's the first thing he says? [In high pitched whiny voice] "Where's my girlfriend? I wanna see my girlfriend! What? She's dead? [Even higher pitched] Nooooooooo!" [Normal voice] Hell, Mr. Bill sounded more butch than you!

Nostalgia Critic: And thus we begin the reconstruction of Peter Pan's memory... which must be missing a few gaps because there are a bajillion plot holes in this next few minutes. In fact, let's count 'em down!

Peter Pan: What happened here?

Tinker Bell: Hook.

Peter Pan: Hook?

Tinker Bell: Burnt it when you didn't come back.

Nostalgia Critic: Well then, why did you build the new hideout on top of the old hideout? [A counter is shown at the bottom right of the screen, starting at "1"] In fact, why the hell doesn't Hook just burn that? ["2"]

Peter Pan: I remember my mother. I remember her.

Peter's Mother: After graduation, he will prepare for a judgeship in the highest court. [A shot of young Peter in a baby carriage as it rolls down the hill]

Peter Pan: I was afraid because I didn't want to grow up because everybody who grows up has to die someday, so I ran away.

Nostalgia Critic: Uh, you strolled away as you can't really run yet, I guess he used his physic powers ["3"] and plus, you're a friggin' baby! You have no concept of age or death or even the color "orange", how can he comprehend all this?!? ["4"]

Peter Pan: You brought me to Never Land, you taught me to fly. [A shot of baby Peter being taken away in the sky with Tinker Bell]

Nostalgia Critic: OK, so if he went to Never Land to never grow up, THEN WHY IS HE CONSTANTLY GROWING UP?!? He was a baby, then he was a boy and now he's a friggin' teenager? I'd sue Never Land for fucking false advertising! ["5"] There, that's five major plot holes in the past five minutes! Five major plot holes! What the hell happened? You were doing pretty good up until then! What, did the writers of Lost come in to explain everything?

[Maggie shows Peter her paper flower]

Maggie: Tootles made it for me. It smells nice.

Peter: It's paper, honey.

Nostalgia Critic: Dude. How much of a killjoy is this jerk?! [Cuts to him holding a phone to his ear]

Child's voice: Dad, is there a Santa Claus?

Nostalgia Critic: No.

Child's voice: Is there an Easter Bunny?

Nostalgia Critic: No, I made that up too.

Child's voice: Is there a God?

Nostalgia Critic: Well, scientifically speaking, they've never proven that God actually exists, so probably not. In fact, the majority of religions, if not all religions, are completely false. [Pause. The child is heard crying] Oh, what?!

Nostalgia Critic: Happy Independence Day, everybody! Let's celebrate by reviewing "Independence—" [The title screen is shown] DAAAAAAH! God I hate this movie! I hate it so much, and yet I always find out that I'm part of a small minority on this. I mean, granted it was a critical flop and when this movie first came out I was excited to see shit blow up, but after you get past the explosions, there is nothing creative or original about this movie. It's just human stereotypes trying to fight off alien stereotypes, nothing more. But so many people keep telling me "Oooh, it's a popcorn movie! Can't you just have fun?" Well let me tell you something: a water slide is fun. All the slipping and sliding, it's just great. But if someone took you off the water slide, shook you, gave you a noogie and then spat in your face and put you back on the water slide, you'd be like "That wasn't fun. That was weird and annoying." And that's this movie!

Nostalgia Critic: Here we see two people playing chess and... yeah, there's really no point in prolonging this any more. Cast, step forward and state your stereotype! [Each of the following impressions is accompanied by the actor's respective character on screen with piano music in the background] I'm Judd Hirsch, I'm the Jewish stereotype! I'm Robert Loggia, I'm the gruff military stereotype! I'm Randy Quaid and I'm the redneck stereotype! I'm Brent Spiner and I'm the geeky stereotype! I'm that guy from "Mrs. Doubtfire" and I'm the gay stereotype! I'm Harry Connick Jr. and I'm the annoying best friend stereotype! I'm Jeff Goldblum and I am in and of myself, ah, a stereotype.

Nostalgia Critic: But meanwhile, the President and his men try to figure out what they're going to do next.

Julius Levinson: It was, what, in the 19-what-50s, whatever, you you had that, uh, spaceship?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh God, you're not...

Julius Levinson: Roswell! Roswell, New Mexico! Yeah! No, you had the spaceship and you had the bodies!

Nostalgia Critic: You're not really going that direction, are you?

Julius Levinson: Area 51, right? Area 51!

President Whitmore: Regardless of what you may have read in the tabloids, there have never been any spacecraft recovered by our government.

Nostalgia Critic: [Exhaling] Oh good! You know, for a second I really thought you'd be stupid enough to—

Secretary Nimziki: That's not entirely accurate...

Nostalgia Critic: [Beat] You know, I'll believe it when I see [The scene immediately shows an alien fighter craft underground at Area 51] DOOH! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! You're actually saying that Area 51 really was an alien and that you never brought it to anyone's attention while the ships were landing? Stand back! He's gonna go for it! He's gonna go for it! He's gonna go for it! He's gonna go for it! [Sits back in his chair while an "Independence Day" movie poster moves along the bottom of the screen and over a picture of the shark from "Jaws"] Oooh, he jumped the shark!

(The President, Julius and the others have arrived back on the ground after destroying the alien mothership)

Nostalgia Critic: Well I've gotten e-mails and e-mails and e-mails and E-MAILS of people requesting me to do this one certain movie. Well, today I'm finally gonna give in. This is it. One of the big ones. One of the worst ones ever. I am going to review "The Room". [Beat] That's right. The college film that I made growing up. [Cue grainy footage of a much younger Doug from long ago] I'm surprised you guys wanted me to review this one so bad. I mean, it's not very long and I made it years ago, but ever since I showed it in my flashback section you've all requested me to do it. So let's not waste any time. Let's dive right into— [He hears the sound of crackling lightning and a boom to his left, and suddenly a much older and white-haired Critic bursts through the door with music from "Back to the Future" playing in the background]

Nostalgia Critic: But more important things are going on, like Johnny buying his girlfriend some flowers. [Scene with Johnny going in the flower shop]

Johnny: Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses please?

Flower Shop Employee: Oh hi Johnny, I didn't know it was you.

Nostalgia Critic: What....?

Flower Shop Employee: [Gives Johnny some flowers] Here you go.

Johnny: That's me.

Nostalgia Critic: Huh? What the...?

Johnny: How much is it?

Flower Shop Employee: That'll be 18 dollars.

Johnny: Here you go. Keep the change.

Nostalgia Critic: Wait, what...?

Johnny: Hi, doggy.

Flower Shop Employee: You're my favorite customer.

Nostalgia Critic: What....?

Johnny: Thanks a lot. Bye.

Nostalgia Critic: Wait.

Flower Shop Employee: Bye Bye. [Johnny exits Flower Shop]

Nostalgia Critic: OK, hold on! [Scene stops] What just happened? I mean I know he's just buying her some flowers but, I think they were reading the script backwards or something. In fact, let's analyze this scene. I mean I know I'm nitpicking, but this whole 20 seconds really fascinates me!

Nostalgia Critic: You didn't know it was him? You didn't recognize the 5-foot, girly haired, French zombie until he took off his sunglasses? [Scene resumes]

Flower Shop Employee: Here you go.

Johnny: That's me. [Scene pauses]

Nostalgia Critic: Why did he say that? She didn't give him any reason to say that. Is that just his random catch phrase of the day? [Scene resumes]

Johnny: How much is it?

Flower Shop Employee: That'll be 18 dollars.

Johnny: Here you go. Keep the change. Hi, doggy.

Flower Shop Employee: You're my favorite customer.

Johnny: Thanks a lot, bye.

Flower Shop Employee: Bye Bye.

Nostalgia Critic: And what was up with the rushed pace of that last couple seconds? Did they only have enough money to rent the store for like 2 minutes so they had to shoot it really fast? [Imitating Johnny] Hello, I would like to buy a dozen roses.

Nostalgia Critic: So yeah, Lisa invites Mark over again, as Johnny finally heard the lie that Lisa told about him.

Johnny: [In a completely flat tone, despite his frantic gestures] I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit! I did not hit her! [Throws down his water bottle] I did not. [Pause] Oh hi, Mark. [Cut to the Critic, mouth agape, then the scene starts to repeat itself before he interrupts]

Nostalgia Critic: No, no no no no, don't play it again. I think the evidence is very clear: that is the worst piece of acting that has ever been put on film. I mean, my God! Not one inflection was right. Not one word was said correctly. Not one breath of air made me believe anything that he was saying. There are middle school plays that put on better performances than that couple of seconds. That was like the nirvana of bad acting. The holy grail. All hail to you, Your Lameness.

Johnny: I did not hit her! [Throws down his water bottle] I did not! [Pause] Oh hi, Mark. [Cut to a Photoshopped picture of Johnny as a star child-like embryo with the text "You Have Reached Enlightenment!" beneath him with dramatic music playing]

Nostalgia Critic: So they tie up the kid and throw him in the back of the truck as they venture forward into the cave. Hmm, a guy in a fedora hat looking in a booby-trapped cave for ancient treasure that's in the shape of a golden head? Thank God I'm unbelievably stupid, or I just might've made a connection to "Raiders of the Lost Ark". But nope. I'm just a dummy who wants to see the bad guy from "Titanic" wear purple spandex. Don't look at me funny. [The robbers turn around to see the Phantom riding a white horse in slow motion towards them, and the Critic starts laughing at this sight] Oh no no no no... [Stops laughing] I'm sorry, it's the Purple Hamburglar. I mean, how is anyone supposed to look at that and take it seriously?

Robber #1: Aw shit!

Robber #2: Run!

Nostalgia Critic: [as a robber] Look out! It's the gayest thing you've ever seen! [The Phantom grabs one of the robbers, hurls him into a tree and the Critic continues reviewing] I don't even get it. Why purple? How does purple blend into anything in the jungle? In fact, how does purple blend into anything period? Actually, I think they did a survey recently asking army recruits what was the best kind of camouflage, and their response was "Not Fucking Purple."

Nostalgia Critic: [After Mary Beth becomes trapped in her submersible with water filling it up] So seeing how there's no friggin' scuba gear that she brought with her, it's up to Roxanne to find her and relay the message that she's in trouble. [Roxanne surfaces in front of Terry and begins making all sorts of noise]

Nostalgia Critic: [as Terry] Look! I think she's trying to tell us something! [Roxanne spins around a couple of times] Lobster people are invading the forest with blenders? [Roxanne bobs her head from side to side] Ninjas from another planet have stolen all the Earth's corn? [Roxanne makes more noises] Mary Beth is trapped right below us in a tuna net? That's it? Mary Beth is trapped right below us in a tuna net? Well I better save her!

Becky: If a dog and a dolphin can get along, then why can't our mum and dad?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God! That's it! That's all we needed to know! My God, I've got to show this to everyone, people need to know! (he plays the line again) Yes, did you hear? Yes, it's incredible!

{a front page headline - WORLD PEACE DECLARED - appears onscreen and images of different nationalities dancing together, such as George W. Bush and bin Laden, appear, followed by Coyote and the Road-Runner embracing)

[During the opening credits as the Universal Studios logo is shown onscreen]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, oh. "Univershell"? Its like "Universal" except the put "shell" because there are stones back in the stone age? Uh, yeah. Fuck this. [pauses] Wait a minute! [glances at the poster at the Drive-In] That fucking poster said we were seeing "Tar Wars". I wanna see "Tar Wars"! I don't care if it's just two people drowning each other. It's gotta be more entertaining than this!

[After yet another of several short scenes that doesn't seem to go anywhere]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, look at that! Another scene that didn't seem to go anywhere -- he flirts with Halle Berry and it doesn't affect the plot at all. And wouldn't you know it? This scene also happens to be about two minutes long! That seems to be the pattern of this movie: start a scene, have it go nowhere, and then disappear after two minutes. That's all this movie is; just a collection of unfunny two-minute scenes, one after another. Seriously, Halle Berry should just come out in the middle of a scene and be like [Now imitating her] "Guys, I'm really sorry. I know this movie is hard to sit through, but, um... here. [Imitates her flashing the audience] Did that help? I hope that helped. That's all I got. Look, just bear with it -- there's only an hour left, it'll be over soon. [Whispers] It'll be over soon."

[Before Fred and Barney can be hanged]

Nostalgia Critic: But Wilma and Betty come just in time as they have the bird tell everybody what happened. Unfortunately, Cliff finds out and decides to kidnap Pebbles and Bam-Bam unless he gets the bird back. [Fred, Barney and the Dictabird confront Cliff in the quarry]

Fred: First, we want our children.

Cliff: Of course. [Points to Pebbles and Bamm-bamm tied up on an assembly line that is high above where Fred and Barney are standing. Pebbles screams] Now, give me the bird!

Nostalgia Critic: Gladly. [Blows into his right thumb and gets his middle finger to raise up before flipping off at the camera with a smile]

(When the Dictobird is released)

Dictobird: I should have sided with Disney, they'd never have allowed this to happen.

Nostalgia Critic: So after the kids annoy him some more, Hogan talks with Burt to see if he can get out of the job. Again, listen to this and tell me they're not talking about Hogan acting in this movie.

Burt: You wanna spend the rest of your life getting your brains kicked in, suit yourself! But let me clue you in on something: ex-wrestlers aren't exactly in demand, ya know! I mean, who else is going to offer you a career?

Nostalgia Critic: Kind of eerie, isn't it?

(note at the end of the review) The kids are now in a psychiatric hospital. Hogan never survived that incident. He never did another muppet movie.

[At Paulie's birthday party, a talking robot rolls out to present him his birthday cake while saying "Happy Birthday Paulie"]

Nostalgia Critic [as an announcer]: That's right! It's the Shark-Jumper 5000! [Text appears on the screen resembling a direct-response marketing commercial, with the phrases "Ruins any movie instantly in the first five minutes", "Wow! No More Credibility!" and "Only $1,999,999,999,999,999"] You think you've seen impressive shark-jumping in other movies? Well this is a fucking robot in a "Rocky" film! [Back to reviewing] Nothing can top that. It's like putting a singing giraffe in a "Godfather" movie. [Cue a Photoshopped image of just that] No rhyme or reason, just pure insanity. Isn't it a delight? Isn't this just the last thing you'd think you'd see in this?

Robot: Please make a wish.

Rocky: Come on, make a wish like he says.

Paulie: I wish I wasn't in this nightmare!

Rocky: Hey, very classy wish. Very nice. [Turns to the robot] What do you think there? [The robot beeps and nods] Very good, huh? [Rocky laughs]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh look, the... robot from "Rocky" just nodded in agreement with him almost as if he can understand what Stallone is saying and actually interact off his emotions. That's, that's quite interesting, I didn't know something like that existed. I mean, here I thought the world of the "Academy Award-winning 'Rocky'" was very similar to ours, you know, very gritty and very real, but uh, uh, no, apparently it's like a sci-fi novel, you can just go out and buy artificially intelligent robots. I, I, I didn't know that. [Awkward pause]WHY DOES THAT EXIST?!?

Nostalgia Critic: So Rocky is off to Russia to fight Drago. Everybody in the world, of course, knows about it... except his wife. [Pause] Woops.

Rocky: I just gotta do what I gotta do.

Adrian: You don't have to do anything. Don't do this.

Rocky: Adrian, a lotta people don't have a choice. I do.

Adrian: You're willing to lose everything?

Nostalgia Critic: OK, we all know this bit. Let me just sum it up: [Imitating Adrian in a high-pitched voice] "Rocky, I've come to bitch and moan at you about why you shouldn't fight!" [Now imitating Rocky's slurred delivery] "And I, the wise genius, have yet another bullshit reason about why I should fight!" [Imitating Adrian] "I can't support you!" [Imitating Rocky] "FINE!" [Pause] "So, you coming to the third act to support me?" [Imitating Adrian] "Don't I always?" [Imitating Rocky] "Cool."

Drago: [to Rocky] I must break you.

Nostalgia Critic: HA! Joke's on you -- the right side of his mouth is already broken! [Imitating Rocky as he gets pummeled at the start of the fight] Oh my God, this was a mistake! I immediately regret this! Oh-ho WOW is this guy tough! I can't feel the left side of my body! I don't remember who my mother is! Now I think I'm a cuckoo clock! The more I think about it, maybe the robot needs a sister! UNCLLLLLE!![Back to reviewing] But of course Rocky starts fighting back, as the crowd slowly but surely starts turning to Rocky's side.

Drago's Trainer: [Subtitled from Russian] How can you do this? He's nothing... soft!!

Drago: [Subtitled from Russian] He's not human.... He is like a piece of iron.

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, did I mention Stallone wrote this?

Nostalgia Critic: So of course having beaten Drago, Rocky makes a great big speech about world peace. Yes, I am dead serious.

Rocky: [Addressing the fight's crowd] I've seen a lotta people hatin' me, and I didn't know what to feel about that, so I guess I didn't like you much none either.

Ringside Announcer: [Translating into Russian with the Critic's own "translation" appearing onscreen] He says he cheated and should be disqualified.

Rocky: During this fight, I've seen a lotta changing...

Announcer: [With the Critic's "translation"] He says America is a bunch of pussies and could never win honestly.

Rocky: ...the way you's felt about me, and the way I felt about you.

Announcer: [With the Critic's "translation"] He says he puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars.

Rocky: There were two guys killin' each other, but I guess that's better than twenty million.

Announcer: [With the Critic's "translation"] He says he wants to kill 20 million Russians.

Nostalgia Critic: ...Ya know, I'm just gonna start working on the apology from the filmmakers. [Starts writing something down beneath the screen while more of the film is shown] "Dear Film Viewers, we are extremely sorry for the film we have given you. We should have known better and will remember next time to treat you like you have a brain. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. [Pause] Sorry."

[After confessing that a dress in the "Superman 4" review was misidentified as being Victorian]

Nostalgia Critic: Not really too much I can say about this -- we simply got the time era of the dress wrong. But needless to say IT WAS LINKARA'S FAULT! That's right. Don't believe me? Take a look at this video apology that he made earlier this week.

"Linkara": [Actually a still picture of him holding his magic gun with what's clearly the Critic's voice coming out of his cut-out mouth] Hello, I'm Linkara, and I totally fucked up. Sorry, I feel like an ass.

Nostalgia Critic: D'oh, Linkara! You don't have to be so hard on yourself.

"Linkara": No, really, it was totally my fault. I should've known not to upset someone as powerful and handsome as you.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh Linkara! Are you saying that I'm so physically attractive that I'm turning you gay right now?

"Linkara": Yes. Yes I am.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I just don't know what to say, I mean, I'm just speechless, uh—

Nostalgia Critic: Wow, the pound looks awesome! I never knew all the fun I was missing out on all this time! Come on, let's all go to the pound right now! [Quickly cuts to an actual animal shelter and the sounds of forlorn dogs] ...d-dance? [Cuts to a couple pictures of dogs in cages, then the Critic tries to sing] "You can hug 'em, you can pet 'em, but you better not forget 'em at the... pound" [Cuts to more dogs in cages and the Critic stops singing] Fuck this, I'm getting a turtle.

Jeff: In commemoration of the thousand-year anniversary of the Bone of Scone, we'll be holding an adoption bazaar at the pound.

Tammy: Yeah! And everybody's invited to come over and adopt a Pound Puppy or a Pound Purrie of their choice.

Nostalgia Critic: Wait, a "Pound Purrie"? Did she really just call a cat a "Pound Purrie"? What, did "Pound Pussy" just cause too much controversy?

Cooler: Some day, one of Big Paw's descendants will guard the Bone of Scone again. It's like my great-grandpuppy said to me: us Coolers are descendants from King Arthur's puppy, Digalot.

Nostalgia Critic: [With his face in his palm and his eyes closed] Who wrote this?

Nostalgia Critic: Uh... why don't you figure out what that lyric means, first? That's like saying, "I want to know what the sounds smell like".

[Hubie is gazing up at a bright star]

Hubie: Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. Wish I may, wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.

Nostalgia Critic: [as the star, in an electronic tone as if over a phone call] This is the wishing star. Our attorneys advise you to stop ripping off Disney or we'll sue you for the little that you have. Thank you, and never call us again.

Nostalgia Critic: Dude, that was a pretty harsh death. I mean, Just because you don't show blood doesn't mean it's not gruesome. In fact, let's put some blood in that scene and see how it looks. [Drake is crushed again, this time with extra blood] Yeah, disturbing.

Nostalgia Critic: If you haven't seen the movie yet, check it out, and see how influential both the film and his performance was. And speaking of influences, where do you think Alex got his smile from?

Norman Bates: But she's harmless. She's as harmless as one of those stuffed birds.

Nostalgia Critic: They talk about how they've all seen the killer clown and discover that he might've been around for as long as 200 years. This literally gets the picture going as Mike's book comes to life just to make the kids piss their pants again. ["It" appears in clown form (a.k.a. Pennywise) and scares the seven kids]

Nostalgia Critic: Uhh, why don't they just close the book? Wouldn't it be able to shut him up if they just slammed that thing shut? [The Critic holds a book open with Pennywise's voice coming from its pages]

Pennywise's Voice: Ha-ha! I'll drive you crazy, and I'll kill you all! [The Critic slams the book shut and muffled screams of pain can be heard from within before he opens it again] I'm every nightmare you've ever ha— [The Critic slams the book shut again, muffled screams are heard and he opens it again] I am your— [Closes it, then opens it] —worst dream— [Closes it, then opens it] —come true! [Closes it, then hesitates before opening it one more time to hear singing]I'm just a sweet transvestite...[Closes it a final time and chucks the book to the side]

[After "Its" true form is revealed to be a giant, six-legged spider]

Nostalgia Critic: What...? Whaaaaat?! [sputters incoherently before splashing water all over his face]WHAT????!!!!

Nostalgia Critic: WE WAITED THREE FUCKING HOURS FOR THAT?!! You can't be serious! You CAN'T be serious!! If I heard that a movie called "It" was just building up to a big silly monster, I think THIS would've been a better payoff! [a portrait of Cousin Itt from The Addams Family is shown] I mean, seriously?! SERIOUSLY??!!

Nostalgia Critic: My God! So you're telling me this whole fucking time we were building up to... [Closes his eyes in disbelief as Spider Smith from "Lost in Space" appears to his left]

Spider Smith: Spiders! A giant legion of spiders!

Nostalgia Critic: Goddammit, Dr. Smith! This is really what you and Stephen King find frightening?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, it's me. I've been playing the Stephen King Drinking Game.

Spider Smith: Oh good God, man! That's been known to kill people!

Nostalgia Critic: [Now lapsing into a drunken stupor while pulling out his gun] Hey, you know what else has been known to kill people? I'll tell you... this! [Fires several shots that all miss Smith, who simply stands there] That's right, hold still, hold still, I'm gonna shoot all five o' ya... You're goin' down, spider man! Not the superhero, the the... the you! Woo!

[The Nostalgia Critic and the Cinema Snob wonder about a Sitcom called "3 Guys That Paint"]

Nostalgia Critic: Hey , is it me or do you really want to see a Sitcom called "3 Guys That Paint"?

Cinema Snob: Yeah, I could actually see that happening. [A CBS commercial that uses clips from the movie starts]

Cinema Snob: [As announcer] Coming this fall to CBS, one's a good looking painter, one's a bumbling doofus, and the other is the boy with a heart of Gold. Top it all off with a Psychotic killing Leprechaun and you have the hit family Sitcom of the year, "3 Guys That Paint". [The "What's Not To Love" subtitle appears] Coming this fall to CBS. Welcome home.

[The Leprechaun chases a highway patrol officer into the forest, where he starts toying with him]

Leprechaun: Over here! [Scurries behind one tree, then reappears next to another tree] I'm over here!

Nostalgia Critic [singing as the Leprechaun/Tom Bombadil]: Oh Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow / Bright blue is his jacket and his boots are yellow [The officer throws his baton towards the Leprechaun]

Cinema Snob: Oh, he throws a stick at it?! Is that really what they teach these guys when they come across a supernatural being? Throw a stick at it?!

[After the Critic outlines all of his complaints with the movie, including why it ended the way it did]

Nostalgia Critic: In fact, I'm gonna call the director right now and find out! [Whips out a phone and dials it before speaking into it] Hi, this is the Nostalgia Critic and I wanna know what the hell you were thinking with the ending of "My Pet Monster"! In fact, what the hell were you thinking with the entire movie in general?! [Pauses while the person on the other line responds] Well, I-I-I don't know what I was expecting, I mean, I... [Pauses] ...yeah yeah, I saw the cover and I still rented it... [Pauses] ...yeah, I-I watched it willingly... [Pauses] ...no, I'm not... babysitting anybody, I, uh... [Pauses] ...I'm 28... [Pauses] ...well, it's, um, it's kinda my job, I, uh... [Pauses] ...yeah, I, uh, watch... children's programming and tell people what I think online... [Pauses] ...uh-huh... [Pauses] [I'm] ...very happy that you pity me... [Pauses] ...yeah, we're done. We're done. Um, just, uh, thank you for your time and sorry to have inconvenienced you. OK, bye. [Hangs up, thinks for a moment and addresses his viewers] I'm the Nostalgia Critic and... and I gotta think a few things through. [Gets up, walks out and sits down in front of a window with "The Lonely Man" from the Incredible Hulk TV show playing in the background]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, God! Not one of these! Quit while you're ahead, commercial! You might be able to sell it if you stop now! [the commercial shows the baby peeing in the toy potty] D'OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! OH! NASTY!! I MEAN, D'OHHH! OHHHHHHHH!!

Female Announcer: It's fun to help Magic Potty Baby learn to use her potty.

Nostalgia Critic: As far as the story goes, the "Ten Commandments" God is probably the one most people would think about when hearing it. I mean, this is the God who sent flaming hail, constant darkness and killed all the firstborns. In short, this was a bad-ass God, so they provided Him with a deep, bad-ass voice.

"Ten Commandments" God: Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating that God] Do this in my name or you will get a cap in your ass! Seriously, you're like a bug, I could just be like "Pfft!" and you're gone. Don't mess it up. I am Bad-ass God! [Back to reviewing] In "Prince of Egypt," we get more of the warm, loving God that many people have favored over the past several years.

"Prince of Egypt" God: Take the staff in your hand, Moses. With it, you shall do my wonders.

Nostalgia Critic: In my opinion, the "Prince of Egypt" God is a little more clever and well thought out. Just look at the burning bush -- it looks like something not of this world, but also something that can be soothing and comforting. The one in "The Ten Commandments" looks more like a cartoon than... well, the actual cartoon. It also makes the clever choice of having the voice of Moses be the voice of God. You can read a lot into that and come up with some fun conclusions as to why.

"Prince of Egypt" Moses: Who are you?

"Prince of Egypt" God: I am... that I am. [A picture of Popeye with a speech bubble saying "I yam what I yam!" appears over the burning bush]

Nostalgia Critic: Today's film is, um... interesting. [A red subtitle appears beneath him that says "Interesting = Bullshit"] And when I say "interesting" I mean it has a very interesting history. The name of the film is "The Thief and the Cobbler"... [Music from the film starts playing as a corresponding title card is shown, only to be interrupted by a record-scratching sound] ...or "The Princess and the Cobbler"... [The music starts again and the title card changes, but is interrupted by another record scratch] ...or "Arabian Knight"... [The music starts again and the title card changes, but is interrupted by one more record scratch] ...or "an abomination of assness," which is what most people call it. If a film can't decide on what the title is, how can it decide on the audience it's going to appeal to? Is it appealing to toddlers? To older children? To the mainstream Disney crowd? The strange, surreal fantasy crowd? What? WHAT?! Well, before I talk about the film, let's talk about... the film. Once upon a time, there was an animator named Richard Williams. He's said to be one of the great animation directors, having done the Chuck Jones-produced "Christmas Carol,"that trippy "Raggedy Ann and Andy" film, and probably his biggest accomplishment: the animation for "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" Yet before all of that, he started production on "The Thief and the Cobbler" in 1964. It was released in 1993. What the hell happened all that time? Apparently the film was independently funded and Williams went on and on saying that this was gonna be his masterpiece. Because of this, the film took years and years of perfecting and financing to finally get it finished. In fact, one of the actors died before the film even got released: Vincent Price recorded his dialogue over twenty years before it ever saw the light of day. And as of now, it continues to be the longest time it's ever taken to complete an animated picture. Because this turkey was taking so long, the film was bought by the Completion Bond Company and kicked Williams off the project, having it released by Miramax and putting together their own half-assed cut that is still considered to be the cum bucket of a dick-cock. This is that version. So let's see how this magnum opus went to magnum anus in "The Thief and the Cobbler"!

Nostalgia Critic: Eventually, the Thief manages to get the golden balls as he -- here's a shocker -- MONOLOGUES TO HIMSELF!

Thief: [Removing the first ball] You're gonna buy me a castle by the sea! [Removing the second ball] And you're gonna buy me everything I need to turn the basement into a rec room! [Removing the third ball] And with you... I-I tell ya... sweetheart, I'm going to Disneyland!

Nostalgia Critic: Ya know, it's funny; when I hear pop cultural references in a film that takes place in Arabia, I think of "Aladdin". But this was being made before "Aladdin". Apparently, Disney animators drew influence from this movie when it was being made that helped "Aladdin" get off the ground. And after that came out, the new producers of this film drew influence from "Aladdin". [Illustrates the following with a diagram featuring the two films' posters and two arrows] So "Aladdin" ripped off this, only to have this rip off "Aladdin". Basically the film is a product of ANIMATED INBREEDING! [Cuts to a clip of two smiling, toothless young men with banjo music playing in the background] Suddenly this is all starting to make more sense, isn't it?

[The Mariner tells Helen to come into the water with him and leave Enola on his boat]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh yeah, she'll be fine. Just ignore the fact that you JUST ESCAPED THE TERRORISTS, THEY'RE MOST LIKELY TRACKING YOU RIGHT NOW, AND LITERALLY YOU'RE NOT MOVING! Let's just put the Idiot Clock up there to count down what a dumb idea this was. [A digital clock labeled "IDIOT CLOCK" appears above the Critic's right shoulder with 21 seconds on it which begins to count down] So he drags her underwater in this safety bubble only to show her that Dryland is all washed up. Of course, you could make the argument that the air pressure would kill her and if not, she'd probably run out of oxygen eventually, but like I said, let's keep this one plot hole at a time. And speaking of which, the Idiot Clock is almost up -- how's Enola?![Cut to the Deacon capturing Enola] WHAAA?! The Smokers got her?! Well if I didn't know any better I'd say you two were IDIOTS!!! They jump in the water and Costner breathes oxygen into her mouth, leaving the Smokers to destroy the boat and take Enola away to try to figure out the map on her back. [The Mariner returns to the surface to find his boat has been destroyed.]

Nostalgia Critic: So, we see that Hopper is getting away with Enola on the plane. What's Costner to do? [Mortal Kombat music starts playing] Let's get ready for stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuff! God bless you, stuff! We love you!

Nostalgia Critic: Now I know what you're saying to yourself: haven't I seen this character a bajillion times before? Well yes, yes you have. He's part of the Annoying Supernatural Fast Talking Dick Club. [Accompanying text shows up on the screen] Never heard of it? It was very popular in the late 80s and early 90s. I think it began with "Beetlejuice" -- ever since that movie came out, suddenly every flick had an annoying, supernatural, fast-talking dick in it. Don't believe me? Let's check out a few other films that came out around that time. [Maurice is shown again for a few seconds, followed by a side-by-side comparison to Beetlejuice, then to Fred from "Drop Dead Fred", then to the Genie from "Aladdin", then all four characters share corners of the screen for a few seconds as the Critic starts to put a gun in his mouth before being cut off by another voice saying "Point Made"] Oh thank God!

Nostalgia Critic: If you think this is like movies where you can say the actor was just a product of the Hollywood system, think again. Rodney Dangerfield had everything to do with this movie. He was the producer, handled the screenplay, came up with the idea. He even wrote the story with his pal Harold Ramis! How do you think that process went?

Nostalgia Critic: [as Dangerfield, talking on the Phone] Hey, Harold! I got this great idea for a kid's movie! It's me as a dog!

Harold Ramis: [as Egon inGhostbusters] I think that would be extraordinarily dangerous.

Nostalgia Critic: Glad you like it! Bye! [hangs up and looks at the Camera] Ho ho!

[Rover offers Connie a flower]

Connie: Oh, Rover! You wouldn’t forget my birthday.

[Rover turns his head and growls angrily]

Rocky: Hey, what’s happenin’, girls? How are we all?

Connie: Rocky!

Nostalgia Critic: [sarcastic] Gee, I wonder who the villain is! Out of all the people in this room, I guess it could be anybody! No, but seriously, I think it’s Showgirl #4. [a Green Arrow points to a random Showgirl in the room] Actually, it turns out it’s her boyfriend Rocky—what a shock—as Rover watches him partake in a shady deal.

[ Rover and Eddie (with a bone in his mouth) watch the deal from a high window with the window’s door lifted up and secured above their heads]

Mobster #1: Let's see the cash.

Rocky: [shows the Mobsters a suitcase full of Cash] It's all here. Relax.

Rover: Eh, it's another one of his phony deals.

[The window door lands on Eddie’s head, which makes his bone fall out of his mouth and land on the lampshade above Rocky and the mobsters; All three panic and scramble about]

Mobster #2: The Cops!

Mobster #1: It's a Setup!

Mobster #2: Let's get outta here!

Nostalgia Critic: [surprised] Wow! That is the most paranoid gang of mobsters I’ve ever seen! Do all their deals go like that? I mean, they could be in the middle of a meeting, and one guy could be, like… [slowly lifts up a coin in front of the camera then drops it]

[After Rover falls into a truck bed full of corn and the Critic is already exasperated by his constant one-liners]

Nostalgia Critic: In fact, I'm not even gonna tell you the one-liner. No, I want you to just look at this scenario and tell me the worst possible joke that you can think up. Good luck. [The picture switches to the set of "Jeopardy!" where three contestants are confronted with the following question from the category "DUMB-ASS ONE LINERS": "What is the worst possible joke you could think up for this scene?" all while the famous theme music plays] Well, let's look at your answers. No, there's no point in looking at the answer, because I know you all got the same fucking answer. So everybody in the whole goddamn world say on the count of three what exactly the joke is! 1, 2, 3 [The Critic, a chorus of other voices and text on the screen all say the following words] "I'M TURNING INTO A CORNDOG!!!" FUCK YOU MOVIE! FUCK YOU!

Nostalgia Critic: My God...I never realized just how many lives I've made miserable. But there is one life that I can safely say I made better...MINE! [Runs back to the room where his reviews are filmed to find Ma-Ti and a Fraggle puppet "talking" to each other]

"Giggles": ...And that's when Mary Poppins had an abortion, and later she became a revolutionary.

"Giggles": Hey, you're a bastard! [The Critic pounds him on the table twice and he and Bargo run off]

Nostalgia Critic: The fuck was that...? [Looks back at the camera] Hey, people! I'm back, and I'm here to stay! And I just wanted to say one thing to all of you: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, you porn reviewing fucktard! [Camera switches to Cinema Snob in a recliner]

Splinter: It was a powerful mutagen. It caused whoever touched it to take on the form of whatever animal they had most recently been in contact with.

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, this is back in the day when science goo could just... do anything. You could make up the most absurd reasoning that has no scientific logic but, it's science goo, so it flies. For example, let's see what happens when I take this jar of Philadelphia cream cheese [Puts one down on the table in front of him] and pour some science goo all over it. [Pours an opaque liquid on to the cream cheese container until it magically turns into a doll in a box] DAMMIT! It always turns into a 12-inch talking doll of Dennis Miller! Science fucking sucks, man! Science fucking sucks! [Pouts in his seat for a second before pushing a button on the back of the box to make the doll talk]

Dennis Miller Doll: Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?

[After kids at Bastian's new school all start running away from the Nasties]

Nostalgia Critic: OK, hold it, hold it, hold it, we gotta go back and do bullet points 'cause there's just too many things wrong with this scene. First off, that's Jack Black. [Smacks his hat] What?! Second, why would an entire school literally run away from a group of bullies? What, do they stuff their pants with TNT or something? Third, that's Jack Black. [Smacks his hat again] What?! Fourth, they're literally called the Nasties?! In the first film, the Nothing was an abstract entity. In the second film, the Emptiness was the human form of dying imagination. In this film, it's literally just a bunch of bullies named the Nasties?! How fucking uninspiring is that?! To go from complex ideas destroying worlds to one half of Tenacious D acting like a dick mule. Boy, they keep upping the ante, don't they? What's the villian of the next movie going to be? the "Oooooooooo!"?

[After nearly having a nervous breakdown in response to the movie's version of the Rock Biter]

Nostalgia Critic: Let me make one thing perfectly clear: this is NOT jumping the shark. [Beat] Gonna repeat that again: this is NOT jumping the shark. Oh no no no no no no no no... [Trails off briefly before the following sequence is illustrated] This is JUMPING THE SHARK, COMING BACK, SHOOTING IT IN THE BALLS, RAPING IT, EATING ITS FLESH, CONSUMING ITS SOUL, MOUNTING ITS HEAD ON THE WALL AND THEN DOING THE SAME THING TO TWELVE MORE FUCKING SHARKS JUST TO BE SAFE!!!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God, what did they do to you, Falkor?! Not only do the animatronics look like the butt-cheeks from Chuck E. Cheese, but the character is totally backwards! Falkor was a dignified creature, he was optimistic and wise. This...abomination is a blithering idiot! He's like the flying version of Patrick the starfish!

Falkor: [in The NeverEnding Story] Things will work out fine, Atreyu. Never give up and good luck will find you.

Falkor: [in The NeverEnding Story 3] Oh wait, that's just what I heard. It could be just a rumor. Oh, this is no weather for mountain flying!

Nostalgia Critic: Duh, I don't wanna....gulp....go on an adventure!

[After transporting out of Fantasia and back into the human world]

Bastian: I hereby wish the NeverEnding Story would leave the Nasties—

Childlike Empress: No, Bastian! Stop!

Bastian: Empress? [Now realizing she's speaking to him through the Auryn]

Childlike Empress: Bastian, the Fantasians who helped you got caught in a wish overload...

Nostalgia Critic: What have you done, movie?! What have you done?! You turned this character into a fucking sitcom! No. I'm serious. It's a fucking sitcom! Like the fucking Flintstones and the fucking Dinosaurs! Don't fucking believe me? Take a fucking look at these fucking scenes from those fucking shows, and then fucking tell me they don't fucking look like the fucking same thing, you fucking fuck fuck! But, oh, wait! There's more! Just listen to what the fucking family sounds like!

Rockbiter Wife: Would you mind going over to wandering mountains and breaking about a half a pound of limestone for me? Hmmm?

Nostalgia Critic:...Does that sound remotely female? I mean, at all? At all, is there ANY indication that THAT's a female voice? No, no, no, no, no. THAT thing has a dick. It has bulging testicles, he married a rock vestite! But wait! THERE'S MORE! TAKE A LOOK AT HOW THE BABY SOUNDS!

Rockbiter Jr.: Junior go buggy! Dada, me come, too! Me come, too!

Nostalgia Critic:...It's all the same guy. Yep, it's the same actor doing all three parts. I'm convinced. There is no attempt to disguise the voices whatsoever, they just didn't care.

Nostalgia Critic: But it turns out FernGully is under attack by one of the worst animals the planet has ever known: [Leans toward the camera] MAN! [The word is displayed next to a kitten with a tear on its face while dramatic music plays, then the movie's villain is introduced in the style of an old-time newsreel complete with the Critic's narration] Yes, Man. Human in shape but satanic in spirit, Man likes to spend most of his time destroying things because he is worse than the Devil if he was a pedophile. [Text saying just that appears] You can spot the especially bad ones by having [The following appear in list form] two-dimensional personalities, being written horribly and having a chin size that even Bruce Campbell would be jealous of. They kidnap animals, burn down rainforests and probably slept with your mother. [Text appears that says "THEY DO MOTHERS!"] If you should see Man anywhere in your neighborhood, please make a pretentious animated feature with confused morals and no sympathetic, three-dimensional villains. [The following is accompanied by onscreen text of the same words] Man: if there's anything worse, it's not human.

Nostalgia Critic: Now, something I never understood in this movie or the last movie, for that matter, is how come Crysta, who was clearly seen shrinking down the main character from the last movie, doesn’t just shrink these guys down, too? Wouldn’t that make things a heck of a lot easier?

[The poacher stands next to the Nostalgia Critic]

Poacher: Oy, I'm gonna get you guys real good and... [The Nostalgia Critic shrinks him down to a smaller size by waving his hand at him] Um... [The Nostalgia Critic swats the poacher like a fly and gives a princess style wave to the audience]

Announcer: You just saved us a movie! [The same text appears below the Nostalgia Critic]

Nostalgia Critic: I mean, it's incredible, it's absolutely incredible! You know what this is like? I... oh no, no no no no no no, I can't even make the comparison! I can't, it's too stupid to make. [Sighs] But it's true! It's so true! "The Secret of NIMH" -- this wonderful, creative film -- has officially become about a mouse with scientific abilities trying to take over the world... you know where this is goin'! [The theme music from "Pinky and the Brain" starts playing as the Critic imitates Timmy's and Martin's voices in place of those of Pinky and Brain] "Gee Martin, what're we gonna do tonight?" "The same thing we do every night, stupid! Try to take over the world!"

[After complaining about the mountain of cutesy schmaltz the film heaps on to the viewer]

Nostalgia Critic: Seriously, who had the idea for this, anyway? Even the Devil couldn't think of something so terrible! [A bolt of lightning hails the appearance of Bennett the Sage in a black cape and gloves as Stokowski's version of "Night on Bald Mountain" and the sound of crackling fire begin playing in the background]

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Funny you should mention that...

Nostalgia Critic: Sage?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Yes.

Nostalgia Critic: You're... you're the Devil?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: [Chuckles] Really, who else could it be?

Nostalgia Critic: Well, OK, fair enough, but what the hell are you doing here?

Nostalgia Critic: Really? So you're the one who created "Care Bears," huh? Why the hell would you do that? That's harmless!

Bennett the Sage/Devil: No, Critic. There are several subconscious messages that are being planted in little children's minds.

Nostalgia Critic: Like what?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Well, for example, notice how the Caretakers leave the children behind with these two little delinquents looking after them? Well this is to show that being a deadbeat parent is OK.

Nostalgia Critic: No kidding!

Bennett the Sage/Devil: And abandoning your children who can't take care of themselves to be raised by other children who can't take care of themselves is the way of the future. Also notice how the Care Bears always use magic to solve their problems. Well this is to show the little children that the black arts are the path toward life and should be used in more everyday occurrences.

Nostalgia Critic: Good Lord, are there more subconscious messages like this?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: [Chuckles] You have no idea! [Voice changes to something much more sinister-sounding] I'm the Devil! THE DEVIL! [Laughs maniacally]

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, well your head looks like it's coming out of a vagina.

Bennett the Sage/Devil: [Stops laughing but still in his evil voice] Hey! This is stylish!

Tenderheart: We're having a party!

Dark Heart: Who likes games?

Bears: Oh! Me!

Dark Heart: Blind man's bluffers down there, leapfroggers up there! [bears split up] Time for a game of disappearing bears.

Nostalgia Critic: I don't know why, but I really like how he says that one line.

Dark Heart: Time for a game of disappearing bears.

Nostalgia Critic: It almost sounds like he's channeling Christopher Walken, it just cracks me up!

True Heart Bear: [to the audience] If you have ever cared, do it now. Help us. Tell us you care. [cut to Nostalgia Critic putting his hands on his heart] Tell your friend next to you that... [cut back to movie] ...you care. [back to NC with an emotional face] Tell them how much you care. [back to movie] Tell them again! Say it! [back to NC almost ready to cry while the camera zooms in on him] Shout it! [back to movie] Help us! [back to NC almost ready to burst while camera zooms in on him]

Nostalgia Critic: Guys... you are in for a treat. This is one of those special... special films that only comes around once in a while. A film that should make me angry to my BOILING POINT but is just so awful, it's pretty much wonderful. It is a wonderful movie. [Beat] [I'm] so anxious to get to it I don't even want to waste any time, so... this is "Dungeons and Dragons." [The title screen appears] Much like "The Room", "Troll 2" or the endless library of Schwarzenegger movies, "Dungeons and Dragons" is one of those rare films that simply gets everything wrong. The casting is wrong, the writing is wrong, the story is wrong, the effects are wrong... [Cut to a scene from "The Producers"]

Max Bialystock: Where did I go right?

Nostalgia Critic: ...and this strange combination somehow turns out a beautiful, beautiful butterfly of absolute horrible-ness. It's a bad film of epic proportions and we're gonna look at it today. Get ready to slap your head in confusion until it goes numb! This is "Dungeons and Dragons."

Nostalgia Critic: So this delightful dish of ham and cheese is our villain, the evil sorcerer Profion. [Pauses] Profion, hmm, sorta sounds like a heartburn medication, doesn't it? [The Critic's voice starts to imitate Profion's] Are you tired of orgasm-ing every scene you're in? Why don't you try the mystical wonders of Profion? [A box of the drug appears next to Irons' face boasting "Treats Frequent Heartburn!" and "Winner of 7 Razzie Awards"] It's magic in a tiny tablet! Side effects may include [The following are listed on the screen] over-acting, mugging and inability to pick good movies. Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!

Nostalgia Critic: Alright, so if I got this right, they have to get the red scepter in order to control the red dragons, but first they have to find this ruby called the Eye of the Dragon which opens the door that leads to the red scepter. But the Eye of the Dragon can only be gotten in this den of thieves which is ruled by this guy. He won't give you the Eye of the Dragon unless you defeat this evil maze which nobody has ever conquered. [Footage from the movie is suddenly replaced with stills from "The Legend of Zelda"] But before you can do that, you have to trade your rupees with the old man in order to upgrade your sword. Once you find the secret passage, you can then work your way through the forest, defeat the evil dragon, get the Triforce of Power that—yeah, yeah, you get the idea.

Nostalgia Critic: We then cut to Profion and the Empress -- whose dress looks like it's trying to eat her -- as we see them take part in the most important debate in this movie: [The Critic's voice deepens as the following text is dramatically displayed on the screen] Under-acting vs. Over-acting. [Voice reverts back to normal and looks to his right as if addressing the Mage] Profion, make your case for over-acting.

Profion: I ask you one last time: will you submit to the ruling of this council?!

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, yes. [Now looking to his left as if addressing the Empress] Now Empress, make your case for under-acting.

Savina: And as Empress... this is how I decree Izmer shall be run from this... day... forward.

Nostalgia Critic: And the #1 Dumbest Spider-man Moment is... the dance scene. Yeah, I may like "Spider-man 3," but anyone can tell you that this the Dumbest. Thing. Ever. It breaks the movie, it changes everything, it sucks out any amount of seriousness you were going for. Lemme tell ya, when people saw this poster and they saw this trailer, this is not what they were expecting to see. This is straight-up Jerry Lewis, right out of "The Nutty Professor." Even by "Spider-man" movie standards this is too silly. It's like if Superman got on stage and tap danced, [Cut to a Photoshopped picture of just that] or if Wolverine went to a burlesque and did the can-can, [Cut to another corresponding picture] or if [The infamous Bat Credit Card is shown] NOPE! THAT DID NOT HAPPEN! But what bothered me personally about this scene is the scene that follows. We go from something so silly and so over-the-top to Peter hitting his girlfriend and then crouched over a church. Now obviously, this is your big emotional moment of the movie, but a few seconds ago it was followed by this. That doesn't work! You can't throw all those things together one after another. [Cut to the Critic dancing in his chair, then punching something off-screen.] I'm a monster! [lightning strikes] I mean look at this! If I just showed you this without any context, would you ever guess that this was from a "Spider-man" movie? No, you'd say it was an outtake from the movie "Chicago"... except even "Chicago" wouldn't be this silly! For many people, this is what killed "Spider-man 3" for them. This was the step that went too far. They could survive some of the plot holes, they could even survive Emo Peter, but they couldn't survive this. It was too cartoony, too out-of-nowhere and too far removed from anything that people would consider "Spider-man."

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, listen to the girl! She's the only one who knows what she's talking about! In fact, let's start taking bets about who's gonna die in this movie. You got annoying blabbermouth Jeff Goldblum, idiot scientist Julianne Moore, not-such-a-badass badass Vince Vaughn, or pudgy doughy guy who's only had eight lines. [All four of their pictures are lined up left to right under the Critic's face] Tell me, folks, who do ya think is gonna die? [Red circles appear over Goldblum, Moore and Vaughn's faces with a "Ding!" sound] Let me emphasize that this is who you think is gonna die, not who you wish was going to die— [Another "Ding!" and the doughy guy quickly becomes the only one with a circle over his picture] there you go.

[As the T - Rex drinks from a family's swimming pool, the family's dog starts barking at him from his kennel]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh look, even Boomer makes a cameo in this movie! [The dog retreats into his kennel in fear]

Benjamin: [In his parents' room] There’s a dinosaur in our backyard.

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, but... [pounds his fists on each word] WHAT ABOUT BOOMER!? [Heavenly music starts up]

Announcer: Boomer will... [Music stops as the T - Rex has presumably eaten the dog with the metal chain still attatched to his kennel] Ooooh! Ummm... [The kennel falls to pieces on the ground] We'll Getchya Another Boomer.

Nostalgia Critic: Wait, wait, wait... [Trails off] The "ultimate space marine" is named "Atax"? It sounds like discount tampons you get at the dollar store.

Announcer: Atax, disguised in his big, bad bug suit!

Kid: He sneaks in!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh really? An alien disguise suit? Why didn't they think of that before?! [Starts impersonating a commanding officer giving a speech to the marines from "Aliens," complete with shots from the movie] "Alright, marines, here's the plan: we are going to dress up in alien costumes -- get a buncha garbage bags and the world's biggest dildos -- and we are gonna sneak in to the aliens' nest. They don't have any eyes, so they'll never be able to spot us. Any questions?" [Hudson is shown raising his hand] "Yes, Hudson."

Hudson: [From "Aliens"] How do I get outta this chickenshit outfit?

Nostalgia Critic: [Still as the officer] "Shut up!"

[A 900 number comes up. This one features two sock puppets]

Pirate Sock Puppet: Hey, whatchoo gonna do today, Marty?

Marty the Sock Puppet: I'm gonna call 976-7777

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Jesus, how many of these call numbers were there?! This one doesn't even look like it's trying!

Nostalgia Critic: How much you wanna bet this was just a local pedophile who got on public access and wanted to hear children's voices? In fact, who do you think is on the other end, anyway?

[Cuts to Nostalgia Critic listening to someone talking on his cell phone. The voice is that of Herbert the pedophile from Family Guy]

Herbert: [voice] That's a nice muscley throwing arm you got there. You know, if you get sweaty and wanna take your shirt off, that'd be just fine.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, you are sick, man! You are sick!

Herbert: [voice] Don't you mouth off to me or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis.

[Nostalgia Critic yelps in fear and throws phone on the floor]

Herbert: [voice] Mmmm.

'[A number commercial comes up. This one features a pet rabbit]

Rabbit: Hey kids, it's me, the Spring Bunny. Call me today at...

Nostalgia Critic: OH COME ON! IT'S A FUCKING RABBIT! That counts as a reason to call a number because you show a fucking rabbit on screen?

Rabbit: There's a new story every day so call today.

Nostalgia Critic: I mean how lazy can these get?

Announcer: [Voiced by the Nostalgia Critic] Hello, kids. I'm a Table. [A Picture of a table is shown] Would you like to hear an exciting table adventure? 'cause, you know, tables go on a lot of fucking adventures. So, if you like to hear about me... a table, dial this number. [1-900-IM-A-FUCKING-TABLE] Table Awaaaaaayyyy!

Rabbit: We can't wait to share our wonderful fun and discoveries with you. Remember, get your parents' permission before you dial.

Nostalgia Critic: WHOA! HEY! KEEP IT CLEAN! Disturbing commercial -- does it get any creepier than that?

Singer: Rooster tails, water trails. You, your kids and your Johnson. [The Critic sits with his mouth silently agape before being interrupted by the elderly pedophile from "Family Guy" from earlier in the review]

Herbert's Voice: I'munna slap you right in your penis!

Nostalgia Critic: Shut up!

Announcer: You and your Johnson. A way of life for over fifty years.

Nostalgia Critic: And then your wife found out what you were doing with your Johnson and... well, let's just say you and your Johnson won't be hanging out with any kids anymore. Commercials like this do make you wonder, though: are they aware what's going on? I don't know, I almost think they planned this so that people will talk about their product more, like they meant for it to have a double meaning. But I don't know, maybe I'm sounding like a conspiracy nut. I mean, can you think of any other commercial that can be taken the wrong way so easily? [Cuts to another commercial]

Fisherman: Just wait 'til you see what I've got. [Grabs a box] It's the Wunder Boner! [Cut to the Critic's stunned face with dramatic music]

[After the Wunder Boner commercial]

Nostalgia Critic:[Raising his arms, apparently having had enough] OKAY! You have to know what you're talking about, nobody's that naive! You're trying to play all innocent when you know that everyone's gonna be snickering at your commercial, and thus, remembering your product better! I mean- [Trying to keep in check] I might believe that wasn't intentional if they don't drop any more innuendoes!

[Shows a clip of the commercial]

Fisherman 1: The Wunder Boner.

Fisherman 2: My wife would like that.

Nostalgia Critic:[Pointing a finger]AND YOOOOOUUUUUU KNNNOOOOWWWW! You totally know what you're talking about, you should be ashamed of yourself!

Fisherman 2: Well, I think the Wunder Boner's a wizard...

Nostalgia Critic: STOP SAYING THAT! I don't care if your wife would like one of those, just keep your fucking Wunder Boner to yourself!

Narrator: The Wunder Boner comes with a polyethylene storage case, that doubles as a base and a cutting board...

Nostalgia Critic: I mean, seriously, you can't even say that word without having somebody crack up. Watch![Comes before a crowded audience.] Wunder Boner. [The audience cracks up in hysterical, uncontrollable laughter. Only the Critic doesn't laugh, witnessing his point come true, raising his arms.]You see?

Nostalgia Critic:[Calms down in relief, then recovers] Alright, kids, fucking Wunder Boner is where it drawed the line. This was my look at commercials part two. Hope you've had a lot of fun, thanks for joining me and... I hope that... You... Your Johnson and your Wunder Boner have a fantastic evening. I'm the Nostalgia Critic and... [Gets up from his chair] *ugh* [From the background] Wunder Boner!? Really!?

Nostalgia Critic: Let's talk about "Inspector Gadget". It was a show in the 1980s about a half-human, half-robot detective. [Cut to the poster for "RoboCop"] Uh, hehe, no. This one was funny. [Cut to a poster for "RoboCop 3"] Intentionally funny! It centered around the inspector's bumbling antics to stop the super-villain named Dr. Claw, while Gadget's young niece Penny and a dog named Brain would go behind his back and solve the crime for him. It wasn't anything special, but for kids it wasn't that bad. It had a smart, humble role model who never got the credit but was just happy to see justice done, it had a menacing villain you never saw who had a pretty intimidating voice...

Dr. Claw: Well, well, what a delightful surprise!

Nostalgia Critic: ...and of course it had that kick-ass song.

Theme Song: Go Gadget go! Go Gadget go!

Nostalgia Critic: Doing a movie on this premise, however, would be tricky, but not impossible. Great care would have to be taken. Let's see, um... I know! Let's get that idiot who said "That's a lotta fish!" from "Godzilla"! And while we're at it, why don't we get that moron who ruined Madonna's career! [Cut to a picture of Guy Ritchie with the text "Guy Ritchie?" beneath it] No, the other one. [Cut to a picture of Rupert Everett with his own text underneath] There ya go! And finally, let's get one of the greatest directors of all time, the one who directed the coming-of-age classic... "Cool as Ice". I smell genius!

Nostalgia Critic: (in booming voice, as an evil clone of Inspector Gadget walks in front of the screen)THAT'S A LOT OF FIIIIIIISH!

Nostalgia Critic: Um, were you meaning to keep Dr. Claw in the shadows? 'Cause you are aware you're revealing him quite clearly right now... [Deploying an oil slick behind him, Scolex causes Brown's car to flip over and crash into a billboard] Now he's back in the shadows again—are we just supposed to forget you revealed him right there?! I mean, we saw him! There's no surprise now! We know what he looks like! Why put him back in the shadows if you just showed his face?! I mean, it's sort of like starting off the original "Star Wars" movie with... [Cut to a scene from the beginning of "A New Hope"]

Princess Leia: The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this. When they hear you've attacked a diplomatic—

Darth Vader: [Being dubbed over with what's obviously the Critic's voice] Don't talk back to me, young lady. That is no way to speak to your father. [Beat] Oh. Shit. You're not supposed to know that yet. Um, just forget that part, everybody! Tooootally not important! Hehehehe, uh Carrie, help.

Princess Leia: I don't know what you're talking about.

Darth Vader: [Still with the Critic's dubbed-over voice] Good! Good! Go with that! Take her away! [The stormtroopers take her away as Vader walks away in the other direction] Dodged a bullet.

Nostalgia Critic: So Gadget gets caught and Claw reveals his evil plan. along with probably the worst fourth wall joke you will ever see.

Inspector Gadget: I don’t know what you’re up to, Scolex, but you’ll never get away with it.

Nostalgia Critic: [In a "Twilight Zone"-style opening spoofing Rod Serling's narration with clips from Stephen King film adaptations in the background] You're entering a world of awkwardness. A world of overused characters and clichés. A world where hammy acting is rewarded, and terrible effects are the norm. A world where plot devices are either over-explained, or not explained enough. Behind that door is a river of blood. Behind that door are two scary little girls. Behind that door a shitty remake that fucks it all up. You're about to enter... the Stephen King Miniseries. [Ducks as the title comes at him]

Nostalgia Critic: Now you might be wondering why I know who Tom Holland is. Well I did a little research and found out that he directed such movies as "Child's Play" and "Fright Night". [Beat] Why does this matter? It doesn't! It doesn't matter at all. They were silly movies then, and they're silly movies now. [The Critic pretends to answer a question being presumably asked by a viewer, whose voice takes the form of trumpet "wah-wahs" like Mrs. Othmar in the "Charlie Brown" cartoons] What's that? Why am I bringing it up then? Well, I guess I'm wondering why his name takes up TWO THIRDS OF THE CREDITS! [Points to the credits on the back of the miniseries' VHS case] I mean, holy shit! His name is huge! You've got all these other people... [Waves them off with dismissive noises] who cares? TOM HOLLAND! OUTLINED IN SHINY, METALLIC LETTERING! It's bigger than Stephen King's name! Well, I guess if this is the same guy who brought us this... [Cues up a clip from his version of "Fright Night" ]

Evil Ed (Stephen Geofrreys): Dinner's in the oven! Mmmmm mmmmm!

Nostalgia Critic: ...we're in good hands.

Craig Toomey: [Standing in a wide-angle close-up] I have an important BUSINESS MEETING THIS MORNING IN BOSTON AT 9 O'CLOCK!!!

Ben: [To the other passengers] As you say, there’s none of that stuff here, [Craig appears to hold his gun up at the group, yet nobody notices this yet] but when we woke up, it was on the plane.

Nostalgia Critic: Wha—does nobody see him right now?

Rudy: Maybe nobody was here when it happened.

Bob: No, that's nonsense. [Craig approaches the group with his gun]

Nostalgia Critic: Seriously, nobody sees him right now. You're looking right at him.

Dinah: Watch out! I hear someone! [Craig takes Bethany hostage]

Nostalgia Critic: [As Dinah] I hear him much better than you idiots can see him right in front of your fucking faces!

[As the Langoliers eat up the airport beneath the passengers' now-airborne jet]

Bob Jenkins: We know what happens to today when it becomes yesterday. It waits for them -- the timekeepers of eternity. Always following behind... cleaning up the mess in the most efficient way possible: by eating it.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, yeah, I guess you can't argue there. It really is the most efficient way possible: sending giant elephant turds with chainsaw teeth to eat up every half-second of time. Boy, God must've been really fucking baked when He came up with that idea! [Cut to a cloudy backdrop with heavenly-sounding music playing and what's obviously the Critic in a white wig and beard]

"God": And thus, when all time passes you will see... giant ape testicles that eat up the world like a tuna sandwich! [The music stops playing, followed by a very awkward pause]

Off-screen Voice: Sorry, could you repeat that—

"God": WRITE IT DOWN!

Doug Walker: [After the credits; whispering] Hey, you guys, since you've been so nice and waited after the credits, we have a special little thing for you. The "That Guy with the Glasses" vol. 2 DVD is coming out. It has all sorts of good sorts. It has, uh, a new Ask that Guy, a new Bum Review of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, uh, a new How to Be A Pirate, and two-- count 'em-- TWO Nostalgia Critics. Two NEW ones! Yes, that's right. It has, uh, uh, uh, a review of a video game by a-- by, yeah, you gotta get to get it in order to say what video game. [Shushes viewer] And it also has a review of Reefer Man. It's a classical film. It's wonderful, wonderful. But why am I telling you this? I'm telling you this because you stayed after the credits. You're good viewers. You can pre-order it now. Pre-orders start March 16th and we'll ship them out March 27th. That's right, you get to see them before anyone else does, it's unbelievable! Now, when the DVD actually does come out, we'll have a commercial, we'll let you know, but this is for the people who [voice getting higher] waited until the end credits because you're so wonderful! Yes, you're so wonderful, I love you so much! [normal voice; still whispering] So go, go. There's a link under there (Points down, as if pointing below the video], you can get it. Go, go. You don't have to go. Yes, you do. [Yelling] GO NOW!!! [Cameraman yelps in fear]

Nostalgia Critic: Remember how I did those reviews of late 80's/early 90's commercials? You know the ones I said sort of existed in their own cheesy little world? Well what if there existed an entire movie like that? [A woman's prolonged scream is heard off-screen] Yes, indeed, and I betcha anything it would be called "Airborne." [The film's title screen is shown] I mean it: this whole movie is like a huge commercial for... itself. Aside from being another movie Seth Green and Jack Black won't put on their resumé, "Airborne" is a film I can only describe as "extreme generic-ness." And when I say "extreme" I mean EXTREME! [His voice deepens, gets louder and is accompanied by yellow text of the word on-screen] Because in the 90's, everything was EXTREME [This repeats every subsequent time he says the word] and this film is no exception. This film has EXTREME-ly lame characters, EXTREME-ly bad storylines and EXTREME-ly embarrassing 90's clichés. So, does that make it incredibly stupid? EXTREMELY!

Mitchell: You know, it's funny. You get so busy fightin' over waves that you never get a chance to enjoy the ocean. Life's too short for that.

Nikki: So if you're not into fighting, what are you into?

Mitchell: I like the smell of the ocean, purple sunsets and surfin' in the rain.

Nikki: You're a poet.

Mitchell: Nah, I just know what I like. [Cuts away to the Critic's utterly disgusted facial expression]

Nostalgia Critic: So after that EXTREME! scene, we cut to Mitchell, telling Wiley about... [sees what Seth Green is wearing] A headband?! Really?! YOU'RE WEARING A HEADBAND?!

Mitchell: I got a date with her Friday night.

Wiley: We're supposed to go out Friday night.

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, leave your balls at the front desk, YOU ARE A LADY. I mean, seriously. We're just one second away from having that girly montage. You know, where they try on different clothes and laugh at one another.

[sure enough, a montage just like the one described plays, set to "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred. The Critic looks in shock at the scene before finally reacting]

Nostalgia Critic: Okay. Hand them over. Give me your testicles. No, honestly, you don't deserve them. You don't deserve them. Hey, you don't wanna hand them over? [pulls out scissors] I'LL TAKE THEM BY FORCE! I mean, good lord! Doesn't this movie have any idea what boys do? Oh, and hey, for anyone that thinks that this could be considered a typical teenage boy thing, all I can say is, watch it to this music.

["Girls Just Want To Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper plays over the montage]

Nostalgia Critic: OK, however you got this kid to cry, it wasn't worth it. Nothing you did to this kid to make him cry was worth "Baby Fucking Geniuses." He should be out playing or, I don't know, being a baby! Whatever you had to do -- squeeze his foot, pull a hair, I don't care -- whatever made him fucking cry, it wasn't worth this goddamn abomination! [Cut to footage of the Critic walking around Animarathon] And then it suddenly hits me: babies can't act. They're not supposed to act. They're fucking babies! It never looks like they know what they're saying in this movie -- it's just babies being babies and they throw some dialogue over it. It's basically just freakin' home movies with a budget! Why make an entire movie around something that can't act? Why didn't the director know any better? Why did anybody green-light this? [The Critic's face is now contorted in rage and his inner voice raises to a shout] Why did anybody think there were any possibilities for this film?! [He suddenly stops and stares at something to his left, which turns out to be a wall] My God! I've found peace! [Cut to the Critic's placid expression] Just looking at this wall is giving me so much more than this movie ever could. It's giving me little, but it's taking away nothing... unlike "Baby Geniuses." [Cuts back to the wall] I'm... hypnotized by it. [Suddenly looks away from it] Avert your eyes from its brilliance. There is so much more to recollect... So, we find out babies are telepathic... [Cuts back to the Critic staring at the wall, before he looks away again] Damn it!

Nostalgia Critic: And then we see everyone's favorite badass himself...

Gambit: There you are, Wolverine!

Nostalgia Critic: I mean it, nobody tops this guy in badass-ity. How badass is he? His voice is a mix between the Dark Knight and Popeye, and yet he's still badass.

Wolverine: I go where I wanna go.

Nostalgia Critic: He hops around in yellow spandex in a poorly cut Mickey Mouse hat, and yet he's still badass. He gets an Australian Broadway dancer to play him in the movie, and yet he's still badass. He can strike this pose [Wolverine is shown tackling Gambit from behind in a mildly suggestive moment] -- which I'm comedically going to play back and forth right now -- and yet, HE'S STILL FUCKING BADASS! [His voice deepens and corresponding text appears on-screen] In fact, I put it to you: has there ever been anything Wolverine-related that has not been entirely badass— [Cut to a poster for "X-Men Origins: Wolverine"] YEAH, BUT HE WAS BADASS IN IT! So what's he first thing this ultimate badass is gonna do?

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah! Remember THIS from the History books? Magic light, insect armies, lord swarm? Maybe this is the history of how the SMURFS DISCOVERED AMERICA BUT CAN WE HEAR THE DAMN STORY ABOUT CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS?!

Nostalgia Critic: He does eventually come across Christopher Columbus, voiced by- [photo of Dom DeLuise appears on screen] Oh, Dom... DOM! Why did you have to pick so many bad movies?! Do you think I like continually making fun of you?! You seemed like a nice guy! I liked you, you were really cool, but- It's the story of America told by Germans! You should know better, Dom, you should know better! But, on the bright side, he is Italian, so he can probably do an authentic Italian accent.

Columbus: My map-a, she sure stink-a!

Nostalgia Critic: [beat] Or maybe he'll be as authentic as Mario.

[Columbus appears to be pulling a spyglass from his crotch]

Nostalgia Critic: WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE! What the hell?! Did he just pull that spyglass out of his gonads?! [shows that same shot] He did! He just pulled that spyglass out of his nuts! [stammers] WHAT'S THE POINT OF THAT?! How did that ever get past German censorship?! Don't they have any shame?!

[shows the same shot, this time with a boing sound effect and a weird laugh made by Beavis and Butthead]

Nostalgia Critic: It's only for a second, but it's just so troublingly confusing. I mean, what do you call that?

[Shows us a clip from the Wonder Boner commercial]

Man 1: The Wonder Boner!

Man 2: My wife would like that.

Nostalgia Critic: OKAY! OKAY! Just forget I mentioned it!

[After the dream sequence]

Nostalgia Critic: So...after that incredibly important scene, we cut to the next night. Where it seems the crew still thinks Columbus is crazy, simply because he talks to a woodworm and says a firefly princess needs rescuing, and they try to do him in. But he sings a song on an accordion and that seems to make everything okay.

[Scene of Christopher Columbus dancing about while playing an accordion and singing]

Christopher Columbus: Ooooo, the life at sea is a life for me, no lovers of land are we, la la la la la la la la!

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I guess this is a clear sign that their captain isn't totally insane. Me...I think he's as valid as Captain-fucking-Kangaroo, but hey: different strokes different folks!

Nostalgia Critic: So Pico and Marilyn get back together and we see the natives of this land. Oh, this oughtta be rich!

Nostalgia Critic: That's right! The Native Americans were honoring the Swarm Lord all this time and made a giant Aztec temple to honor him. What, did you think they lived in tepees or something? Pffffff, you're a fucking dumbass!

Native Chief: You've made squishy with the swarm. How can we ever thank you?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God! We have Mickey Rourke on a mine in the middle of a minefield with a ferocious tiger in a coliseum with Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dennis Rodman, Belloq, and a baby in a basket. [Beat] If this does not deliver the most fucking epic imagery I have ever seen in my entire life, I have lost all hope in mankind. [Beat, then exhales] Let's see what happens. [The climax's events all transpire as the Critic is seen raising his arms and screaming hysterically before falling silent at its conclusion] WHOO! BEST DEATH EVAH! [Corresponding text appears onscreen] WHOO! Okay, alright, I'll go back and talk about that entire scene but... OH MY FUCKING GOD! First of all, look at Mickey Rourke's face. He just knows that if he's gonna go out, he has to go out with a fucking tiger eatin' him while he's being blown up alive! Clearly, there's no other option! [The scene is replayed, but with an audio clip from "The Nightmare Before Christmas"]

Jack's Voice: Well, I may as well give them what they want...

Nostalgia Critic: Second, we have a whole coliseum going up in flames, and yet they still manage to get their product placements in there. Hell, they're literally throwing them at us! Third, with all these explosions and all this fire, it's hiding behind a Coke machine that saves the day. I—that's a new one. That's a new—ya know, okay, I'm not usually aware when I'm starting an Internet meme, but by God—this has to be an Internet meme! It is far too good! Okay, there was jumping the shark, nuking the fridge -- ladies and gentlemen, this is "Frying the Coke"! This is the ultimate in awesomely and laughably implausible! [Exhales again, then lights up a cigarette and sits back in his chair] Ahhh! We might as well end it here, folks. I'm not gonna top that!

Nostalgia Critic: #2... Princess Peach. I could punch this broad in the face -- really I could! How many times has this whore been kidnapped? Haven't they upped the security yet so that it doesn't happen anymore? And every time it does happen, she just keeps her pretty little smile! "Teeheeheehee—" Fuck you, bitch! I'm risking my life for you for the twentieth fucking time! And don't you dare insult me by saying you're gonna bake me a cake! No no, you give me a position of power, you fucking bimbo! I know more about this kingdom than you do! You see, I've been through it, like, a million times! You can't even stay around long enough to remember what it's called! I'm runnin' the show now, Peach! [The Critic cocks his gun and points it at the viewer] I'm runnin' the show! I don't know, I think it's just the attitude -- the fact that she has no problem that you have to save her all the time. It just never seems to faze her, she never seems to feel bad. In fact, listen to this note that they have in the Mario Brothers Wii game: "Dear Mario, Because of my most recent kidnapping—" "Recent kidnapping"?! What is this, just another day at the store for you?! It doesn't even faze you anymore! You go out there and risk your life, whore! It ain't easy! The other thing that annoys me is just that she never does anything. She just smiles and gets caught -- that's it. Oh, wait, there was "Mario 2" where she could friggin' fly in the air -- that was really cool. But guess what? That was a dream! It never happened! So that literally means she has contributed nothing in any of the Mario games. OK, ya got "Smash Brothers" and "Mario Party" and so forth, but come on, they're just go-karting and playing games. Hell, she uses a frying pan as a weapon! A frying pan and her butt! These are what women in the 40s use as weapons, are you fucking serious?! Next you'll be telling me her main weapon in a game is crying! [Cut to a game-play clip from "Super Princess Peach" during which Peach uses her Gloom power to cry] ...I hate you.

Nostalgia Critic: And the absolute biggest Dumbass in Distress is... Bella from "Twilight". This has to be the most selfish, male-depending, uncaring, manipulative, self-centered, pretentious, idiotic, whining little bitch-bag you will EVER SEE IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! And honestly, that wouldn't be too bad a character, that'd be very, very interesting IF IT WAS INTENTIONAL! But it's not! Bella is supposed to represent the everyday teenage girl. If that's the case, then the story really got mixed up who the blood-sucking monster is! She thinks she's tortured, even though really she has no problems. She gets a crush on a boy and decides she wants to marry him, even though she's not even out of high school yet. She wants to be turned into a vampire, which everyone has said is throwing her life away. But of course, at the enlightening age of 17, she already knows exactly what she wants! Aren't you glad you followed through with every bright idea you had at 17? Aren't you glad you totally committed to something that you knew you could never make a mistake on at that age? Oh yeah -- 17! Nobody ever fucks up at that age! The boyfriend tries to leave her so that he can save her, but she constantly keeps throwing herself off cliffs and putting herself in danger just so he can notice her! Good fucking God! That's right, girls! If your boyfriend leaves you, do exactly this! I assure you it won't backfire in the least! Sure you might be dead, but that'll teach him! She then gets another boy involved, who actually seems supportive and attentive, but she dumps him because the other guy looks at her weird. And by God, how can she turn down a guy with no personality that just looks at her weird? Again, one of those brilliant choices you make at 17! So now, a whole war is going on all because of her and everyone is going out of their way to try and protect her and she's simply like "Yeah, that's cool." Oh wait, she does try to say once that she's not worth it, but that only lasts a few seconds. She then realizes that she is worth it and is totally on board with having muscle boys carry her around everywhere. And just as her boyfriend finally agrees to marry her -- imagine, a boy being pressured into marriage -- she dicks around with the other guy yet again! Oh my God, I mean, Oh! My! God! I have never seen a character more needy and more insecure. She is such a dumbass in distress, that it's actually kinda scary. She is a scary character! In another dimension, maybe she could've been a great Shakespeare villain -- this really complex, developed, psychotic mind. But as the common, everyday relatable girl that we're all supposed to identify with? She is, and always shall be, the biggest Dumbass in Distress. I'm the Nostalgia Critic and... pray for these boys, people. [Shows images of Edward and Jacob side by side] Pray for them.

Ellen: I don't want anyone in my family anywhere in the water, never again! Never!

Nostalgia Critic: Well, now, where is this coming from?

Michael: You can't believe that voodoo. Sharks don't commit murder, they don't pick out a person.

Ellen: It picked out Sean, it killed your father!

Michael: Dad died from a heart attack!

Ellen: He died from fear! The fear of it killed him!

Nostalgia Critic: Ah, so it's the fear of the shark that killed him! Hmmm, that's interesting considering how he [Footage from the first Jaws movie plays] kicked this thing, swam around it and blew it up twice in 2 movies! Yeah, I'm sorry but that's really insulting to his character! I mean look at this guy! He had more balls than any of us put together, he is fighting a shark and you're actually gonna say he died of fear? Well, that's one hell of a delayed response, isn't it? I mean, what, was he just sitting around one day saying... [Acts as Brody, reading Chicago haunts then looks up] "Holy smokes, that was dangerous!" [Yelps, clutches his heart and falls to the desk]

Nostalgia Critic: We're all aware of movie rip-offs, aren't we? [The following films are compared side-by-side as he makes his point: "Transformers" with "Transmorphers", "Finding Nemo" with "The Reef", "High School Musical" with "Sunday School Musical" and "E.T." with "Mac and Me"] Whenever a big hit comes out, there's always an underground rip-off with a similar title to make people think it's somehow connected to the original, if not believing it's the original itself. For example, ya got "Babe"[The movie's poster appears on the Critic's left] and then ya got "Gordy". [Its poster appears on his right, which he addresses the following to] Oh, you nasty rip-off of a movie, you! How dare you try to take the good, wholesome decency that this film created and you try to cash in on it! Oh, you're a despicable movie! Despicable! Despicable! [The Critic is presumably interrupted by a viewer, whose voice takes the form of trumpet "wah-wahs" like Mrs. Othmar in the "Charlie Brown" cartoons] What? [More "wah-wahs"] "Gordy" came out first? [Another "wah"] Um, OK, let's, uh, switch 'em up then... [The two movies' posters switch places and he addresses the "Babe" poster instead] D'oh, you nasty movie! Nasty nasty "Babe"! How dare you try to rip off... "Gordy"?

Nostalgia Critic: They [the clumsy bad guy's agents] try to track down Hanky and the Pig though, by following the bus wherever it goes. But luckily, they escape because the thugs get distracted by a cross-dressing madman with pantyhose on his head robbing a thrift store. Now... I'm gonna repeat that... Because it bears repeating. A cross-dressing madman, with pantyhose on his head — red pantyhose, mind you — robbing a thrift store. Y'know, I'm tired. I'm so tired. ..Not at the bad movie, though — granted, it is horrendous — but of films like this that focus on one thing when CLEARLY they should be focusing on another. What is this guy's backstory? Was he down on his luck? Was he a mental patient? What drove him to do this? Why is he dressed up that way? Any of these questions is far more interesting than knowing what's gonna happen to this fucking talking pig, and yet it's the fucking talking pig that we're focusing on!! Shame on you, movie!! ..Shame on you....

Jinnie Sue: [Lifts blanket to talk to Gordy] Goodnight, Pinky.

Nostalgia Critic: [As father] Girl, did you say "goodnight" to your vagina? Don't make me force the Bible on somethin' I find confusin'!

Louis Rukeyser: Tell us, Gordy, as the new darling of Main Street and Wall Street, what are your views on the outlook for the American economy?

Gordy: [Pig squeals]

Nostalgia Critic: [As Louis] Ha ha ha, that's very good, Gordy. Heh heh. Now, if you'll excuse me, my professional career as a journalist is over. [Grabs gun and presses it to his temple]

[The review begins with the Critic's real brother, Rob Walker, coming into their home dressed in a black robe and wearing make-up]

Rob: Well great, Nostalgia Critic! The entire costume party was ruined! I thought we agreed that you were gonna be Darth Vader and I was going to be the shadowy puppet master dark overlord that controls you, just like in real life? [He finds the Critic in a Vader costume and his tie sprawled out on the floor] Nostalgia Critic! [He kneels down and picks up a DVD case labeled "The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie" as the Critic moans and rises up in a spoof of "Revenge of the Sith", then Rob's voice starts to imitate Emperor Palpatine's] Nostalgia Critic, can you hear me?

Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating Vader's voice in turn] Yes, my brother. I apologize, I passed out after I thought I heard news that there was another animated Titanic movie.

Rob: Oh, but I'm afraid in your rage you have forgotten that there is another Titanic movie... [The Critic spins around to face him] ...and it is your job to review it.

Nostalgia Critic: It can't be! I reviewed it already! [They both get to their feet]NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Rob: [Curtly] Yes.

[The movie's title screen is shown]

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it appears there's ANOTHER feature-length rip-off of James Cameron's "Titanic". I can't believe I live in a world where two of these exist. And you'd think that'd be bad enough, but if you can possibly comprehend this, it is actually WORSE than the other version. Yes. There is actually something out there worse than this! [Cuts to a clip of the rapping dog from his earlier review of an animated "Titanic" movie]

Nostalgia Critic: I know it's hard to believe, but this actually is more terrible than the rapping dog. So, what abomination of hell could possibly make it into the human world? [Drags up the giant bottle of Jägermeister from the earlier review] Let's find out.

Nostalgia Critic: So even though they established that the dog has no owner, the dog is still allowed on anyway. [The dog urinates on an officer's leg] Oh, after he pees on him first. OHOHO! [The dog goes up the ramp]

Officer: You wretched beast! I'll get you for that!

Nostalgia Critic: [As officer] Oh, it's not like I can just go up there and get you for that! I'll just throw my hat! That'll teach you! [Throws his hat and it lands on the dog's head] Oh, it landed on the dog! I guess there's nothing else it really would have done. [The dog's owner throws the hat back in front of the officer who starts stomping on it] Oh, now I hate my hat! I hate my hat so much! Oh, my motivations are so confusing! [Kicks his hat into the ocean whilst making gibberish noises]

Nostalgia Critic: Can you see why this is worse than the other one? I mean, the animation is better, but...this goes from stupid to disgustingly insulting. Just the idea that people took this tragedy and turned it into such a lame ploy to save the whales is mindboggling! The Titanic story has nothing to do with whales, so why'd you make that connection? It's insulting to history, it's insulting to children's intelligence, and it's straight up insulting to the people who died! Honestly, it's sort of hard to watch; it's so horrendous. I mean, it honestly makes this film look more realistic. The film with the rapping dog is actually closer to the real story of the Titanic! That is a new low for a kid's movie to sink! (Super: No pun intended) It's beyond shit, and my guess is it'll take days before you stop feeling unclean from it! My only hope is that people will finally learn their lesson and stop making animated spinoffs off this shit.

Nostalgia Critic: How can something be so hot it's cold, or so cold it's hot? It’s like saying they're so great they suck, they suck so it's great! I never got it! It's like one of those Zen riddles you're never supposed to really figure out.

[...]

Monk 1: What is so hot it's cool, but is so cool it's hot?

Monk 2: ...Pop Tarts?

Monk 1: IT'S NOT POP TARTS!!!!

[During a commercial for a line of "Ghostbusters" toys, a blue ghost is seemingly inserted into one of the characters' behinds, making his torso spin rapidly]

Nostalgia Critic: [Scared pause] Am I the only one disturbed that that's possible anal rape? I mean, it's not like we didn't see the ghosts in the movies do something like this, so I find it very unnerving.

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, my body would do that too if Boo Berry was doing me from all sides! [The spinning is once again replayed] And now, because I don't know any better, the Top 10 Out of Context Ghostbuster Lines That Go With This Commercial! [Text displaying just that appears on screen, followed by a brief numbered countdown interspersed with corresponding clips from "Ghostbusters" and "Ghostbusters II" before which the commercial clip is replayed each time, starting with "10"]

Nostalgia Critic: He's played, as I've said before, by Broadway sensation Michael Crawford. Now some consider him a gifted musical genius. Others say he's pretentiously over the top. But one thing's for sure, though: he's a comedian's pot o' gold.

Cornelius: Prepare to be amazed! [He lets loose a small flying model of some sort from behind his desk, which swoops down and startles his Furling students] Well, what do you have to say?

Nostalgia Critic: First, let's look at our main character of the film... Mattie! Yeah, "Best Supporting Actress" my ass! She's the main character and we all know it! You're goin' first! [Cut to a clip from "The Big Lebowski"]

The Dude: Dude, come on!

Nostalgia Critic: SHUT UP!

[On the supporting characters of the two films]

Nostalgia Critic: Again, kind of a tough call, but I think I'm gonna go with the remake. Why? Because it has the Bear Guy in it! I mean, who was that?! Where did he come from?! What's his story?! We'll never know, and by God it's killing us trying to find out!

Bear Man: Now I have taken his teeth / I will entertain an offer... for the rest of him. [Cut to a clip from "The Big Lebowski"]

The Dude: ...Far out.

Nostalgia Critic: That guy was awesome! Point goes to the new, I love the Bear Guy!

1969 LaBoeuf: I'm of a mind to give you five or six good licks with my belt!

[After starting up a review of "Transformers 3", the Critic is summoned to court, where he finds himself side-by-side with another of Doug Walker's characters, Chester A. Bum]

Off-screen Judge: Court will come to order.

Chester A. Bum: Your Honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jur-nur-ma-ry. [Now turning to the Critic] Thief! I think we all know how my reviews go, and that clearly this charlatan is stealing from them! Now I may be an old-fashioned bum, but in my day, when somebody was stealing something, it was in the best nature to make that bastard pay!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh come on, the "Transformer" review was one of the first reviews I ever did, I was still discovering my identity. I do that kind of review every time a "Transformer" movie comes out -- it's tradition.

Chester A. Bum: You saw me mumbling that review to myself on the street and decided to steal it!

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, but I finally gave you a job doing all those reviews, didn't I? I mean, sure, our styles were similar back then, but as time went on I discovered that I was much more comfortable ripping off Lewis Black.

Chester A. Bum: Need I remind you that you have not done a traditional Nostalgia Critic review in weeks?! Even this court room scenario is just a clever way for you to be lazy!

Nostalgia Critic: [Gesturing to the background] Hey, these green screens are hard—

Chester A. Bum: Don't change the subject!

Nostalgia Critic: Anyway, need I remind you that I did an "Old vs. New" of "True Grit" recently?

Chester A. Bum: Those don't count! Anyway, everyone stopped listening to you after you said the new "Karate Kid" was better than the old!

Nostalgia Critic: OK, here's the thing: if you wanna talk about a kid's sexual discovery, that's fine, but they're doing it in such a cutesy way. Do it in an adult movie -- this is not the right way to handle it. Oh, don't believe me? Don't believe me that it's overly sappy and cutesy? Well, let's take a look at the three kids here: ya got one kid always telling jokes, another kid who's concerned with being clean and the last kid who's obsessed with his leather jacket and good-looking hair. Sound familiar?! [Cuts to a clip from "Full House"] That's right! If you wanted to hear the equivalent of "Full House" talking about their sexual discoveries, get outta here before I KILL you!

Nostalgia Critic: You feel that uncomfortable tingling in the back of your neck that tells you you're going to Hell for watching this? (Beat) That means you're still human. Hold onto that.

Duke Best: Well, you see, Bill, we decided that we needed our…very own Super Bowl, so we hired the very best experts to build and design a track that combines the…the different styles and-and skills of BMX racers and freestylers.

Nostalgia Critic: You know, can’t people just tell this guy is evil? He has it written all over him. I mean, could you see him running a daycare or something? [imitates Duke Best holding a book] And now, uh, children, we’re now going to read the story of “The Three Little Pigs.” Uh, “The Three Little Pigs.” [opens the book] Here we go... “The wolf ate the three little pigs...” and-and that’s it. [closes the book. Children can be heard crying in the background] Oh, grow up! They’re just pigs! They’re just pigs.

Nostalgia Critic: So the big race is here and Cru is finally ready for action. I sure hope this means watching the same people go around the same track about a dozen fucking times until I wish a bulldozer would run over my nuts on a pile of hot pokers. [A starter's pistol is fired]

Announcer: There's the gun!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh no, I was totally wrong! This is watching the same people go around the same track about a dozen fucking times until I wish a bulldozer would run over my nuts on a pile of hot pokers IN SLOW MOTION!!! By God, I never thought I would say this, but put on NASCAR! [Cru then performs a back flip]

Scrooge McDuck: Simple. I made it by being smarter than the smarties and tougher than the toughies!

Nostalgia Critic: I also embezzled Mickey Mouse out of house and home but that's another story!

[After a plane carrying everyone begins to spiral out of the sky]

Nostalgia Critic: But thankfully, they have the Junior Woodchucks Guidebook that shows them how to fly a plane. And for those who don't know, this is the all-knowing plot device that has the answer for everything, like Penny's book from "Inspector Gadget", or Wilson from "Home Improvement", or the Code of the West from "C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa". [Cut to another room]

Chester A. Bum: Oh my God, you watched that?!

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, shut up! There was nothing else on in that time slot.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, you mean... Princess Peach? Yeah, there's no comparison -- it's fucking Princess Peach! And we find out later that she's been kidnapped by an evil monster in a magical land from a giant castle. Why is it fucking "Care Bears In Wonderland" is closer to a Super Mario Brothers movie than the actual "Super Mario Brothers" movie?! OK, OK, keep the review focused, we're hating this film!

Nostalga Critic: But Alice is upset because - wait for it - she DOESN'T FEEL SPECIAL.

Alice: What's the use? There's such special people out there, and I'm... just me. Oh, Dinah. It doesn't matter what I do. I'm just... not special.

Nostalgia critic: [As Alice] Oh, curse this youthful face, expressive eyes, long flowing hair, perfect teeth, clear skin and excellent speaking voice: I want to be special. You know, like Susie down the street, with her head retainer, bad acne and unexplained third eye? [An image of a girl with these characteristics appears onscreen] She's the girl we all want to be!

[Alice is climbing a mountain]

Nostalgia Critic: You know, this doesn't seem especially princessy! I mean, Where in the book does it say she has to climb a freaking mountain in a God damn ball gown? Isn't this more like training a Navy SEAL by having a tea party? [A red vulture appears] Oh hey, look, it's [Scary voice]DAAAAAARRRKHEEEAAAARRT!

Nostalgia Critic: So they banter a bit, he acts annoying, he acts stupid, he thinks a purse is being stolen when really it's just a guy returning it to his wife -- it's pretty fucking boring. Hell, there's even a fruit stand they don't knock over. How can you call yourself a 1990s buddy cop movie and not knock over the goddamn fruit stand?! The one cliché you're supposed to follow and you fucked it up. Look at Reynolds -- he's supposed to be acting in this scene, but you know all he's thinking in his head is "God I wanna hit that fruit stand! God I wanna hit that fruit stand! Bam bam bam! Oranges flyin' everywhere!" But no, ya totally missed it. Hand over your badge, movie! You're suspended!

[The episode opens with the Critic donning a vintage Batman cowl and imitating Michael Keaton's version of the character]

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm Batman. I remember it because I'm Batman. Today, we're gonna look at one of the greatest animated shows that ever hit television: "Batman: The Animated Series." And by the way, [Now lifting a line out of "Batman"] you weigh a little more than a hundred-and-eight— [Reverts to his normal voice] OK, I'm sorry, I-I can't do Keaton very well. Uh, let's try, uh, Christian Bale. [Clears his throat, then switches to Bale's infamous raspy voice and lifts a line from "The Dark Knight"] This cartoon just showed you that it's full of people READY TO BELIEVE IN GOOD! [Now back to his normal voice] OK, that's not gonna work. Uh, let's try, uh, Val Kilmer. [Clearing his throat and changing voices again, he lifts a line from "Batman Forever"] I'll get drive-through— [Back to his normal voice] OK, that's definitely not gonna happen. Uh, let's try George Clooney. [He merely sits in place for a few seconds, unable to come up with anything] Hi, I'm George Clooney. OK, fuck this shit! [Removes the cowl] I'm just doing it as myself. Yes, I've gone on record several times saying that "Batman: The Animated Series" is the best nostalgic show ever, as well as one of the best cartoons of all time. It was dark, it was tragic, it was funny, it was goofy, it was serious -- it had something for everybody. But which episodes were the absolute best? Which ones left the greatest impact on us, whether it be action-packed or dramatically heartbreaking? There's a lot to choose from and I promise I'll try to keep my spoilers to a minimum. Oh, except maybe this one: "BATMAN AND ROBIN" SUCKS! The only downside is I don't have any more Batmans to imitate. Oh, wait a minute -- Kevin Conroy! That's fitting! Hehe, hold on, let me just take some, uh, testosterone pills here. [Pops some pills into his mouth, then two loud "thuds" are heard a second later as the Critic looks down at his lap, and when he finally speaks again his voice is much deeper] Whoa, my testicles just hit the floor! This is the Top 11 Best Batman Animated Series Episodes. [Pauses, then lifts one more line from "The Dark Knight"] I don't wear hockey pads!

Nostalgia Critic: [describing Sean] Oh, and by the way, he's a dick in this movie!

Sean: Maybe I'll buy myself a one-way ticket back to Chicago.

Jake: I don't have time for this, Sean.

Sean: Mom would've had time! None of this would have happened if she was still here, none of this!

Jake: Sean...she's not here.

Sean: Yeah? Well, I wish you would've died and not her! [Enters his room and slams door]

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, this shit really pisses me off. Losing a parent is a serious thing (before Disney turned it into a common fad) but, even then, they at least tried to play to how hard it can be in a semi-plausible manner. Here, it's just a means to an end--a plot device, and it's way too rushed and way too over the top. We just find out in this scene that their mom is dead, and that's the line that follows our discovery of it! There's no lead-up, no segue, no trying to understand what he's going through, just the line:

Sean: Well, I wish you would've died and not her!

Nostalgia Critic: Aaaaand I hope you choke on your testicles, you little prickhorse! Yeah, I hate him, and there's no way you can make me like him! I don't care if he cures cancer, I'm still not gonna enjoy his character! That was so mean-spirited and so out of nowhere that I hope he just spontaneously combusts when he goes into that room!

Sean: Well, I wish you would've died and not her! [When he slams his door, an explosion is heard]

Nostalgia Critic: [Makes sign of the cross] And no one will miss him! Next!

Nostalgia Critic: [imitating Charlton Heston's character] With color the same of a golden sunrise, Golden Crisp gives you that satisfying taste that only God's good pure Earth can give you! Plus, it's represented by...a BEAR!

(The poachers are getting out the dead mother bear)

The Nostalgia Critic: And if you think that's cruel just look at what happens next.

Poacher: Ooh there's a good little bear (shoves mother's corpse in the cub's face so the cub can pet it) Oooh yes

The Nostalgia Critic: (he's seen with his mouth open, then recovers) OK, that is beyond sick!... I mean that is fucked up! OK, there's being mean in a movie, then there's being the Devil! This is... the Devil's Devil, the Devil the Devil goes to when he's not being devilish enough! (shows Satan next to an even larger Devil who is obviously Satan from Dante's Inferno videogame)

Nostalgia Critic: Perhaps some of you remember my video game review of "Bébé's Kids". [Cut to a clip of the Critic destroying the game from that review] And my video game review of "Blues Brothers" on my Volume 2 DVD. [Cut to a clip of the Critic going crazy from that review] They sucked. But needless to say, people love to see me get tortured by video games. Well no more -- I'm not doing anymore video game reviews! But it doesn't mean that I have to not play video games anymore. I heard of this wonderful thing on the Internet called "Let's Play". This is where someone just hooks up their video game to their computer, does a quick run-through of it and just tells them what they think. Now that sounds much easier than just analyzing and putting an actual review together. As you can imagine, just playing a video game is much easier than having to review a video game. This is gonna be a walk in the park. So what video game am I gonna do today? Well let's try "Bart's Nightmare". As we all know, anything with the "Simpsons" name has to be gold... that is, except for the show right now. But anything else connected with "The Simpsons" is always gonna be fantastic! [Cut to a picture of "Bart vs. the Space Mutants"] Well, except for that. [Cut to a picture of "Bart vs. the World"] And that one, too. [Cut to a picture of "Virtual Bart"] Um, SHUT UP!

Nostalgia Critic: [after losing the game for a final time] FUCK THIS GAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! [pulls out the game and slices it in half with a bonesaw while screaming; following dialogue spoken quickly and angrily] Fuck this noise, man! I'm going back to movie reviews next week! This is bullshit! I'm never doing another GODDAMN game again! FUCK IT, FUCK IT, FUCK IT! "Bart's Nightmare", you are an anus! DYAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

[The review begins with a live news feed focused on an empty podium at a place called the Internet State Penitentiary]

Broadcaster's Voice: We are live at a press conference here in Chicago, Illinois where we hear that any minute, the Nostalgia Critic is going to make a public appearance addressing his last video. For those who are unaware, the Nostalgia Critic posted a "Let's Play" of "Bart's Nightmare" last week which was considered by many to be so horrendously unfunny that they'd rather shove a needle factory up their scrotums. Ah, and here is the Nostalgia Critic preparing to explain his actions. [He appears from the right and steps up to the podium]

Nostalgia Critic: Um, hello everyone, uh, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, uh, I remember it so you don't have to. Uh, they allowed me a short amount of time out of the Internet State Penitentiary... little surprised to see that place actually existed, but apparently it's right next to the State Home for the Ugly. So, uh, they allowed me a short time out to answer your questions addressing the video I did last week. [Points to his first question] Uh, yes.

Female Reporter: How does it feel to know that you've made the absolute worst "Let's Play" to ever be put on the Internet?

Nostalgia Critic: [Pause] Bad. Definitely, uh, bad. Uh, but hopefully I can make some more funny videos and move on from there. [Points to his next question] Yes.

Male Reporter: I had a robber break into my house, kill my wife and eat my children. Uh, he's not as bad as you.

Chester A. Bum: Your fans deserve better, Mr. McCritic! Sure, you tried something new, it didn't work, it bombed like mad, but now you deserve to give your fans something better! I mean, I liked it, I thought it was the greatest video I ever saw in my life, but you owe your fans something better!

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I'll-I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what: why don't I do a positive review of a movie a lot of people seem to enjoy?

Chester A. Bum: Oh, you mean like "James and the Giant Peach"?

Nostalgia Critic: "James and the Giant Peach"? That hunk of... [He turns to the crowd, stopping himself and forcing a smile] ...cinematic brilliance?

[On a scene in which James and his parents are looking for patterns in the clouds]

Nostalgia Critic: Wow, the timing of those clouds was perfect. I mean, they formed the Empire State Building just as James's parents tell him they're going to the Empire State Building. I wish the clouds in my neighbourhood were that convenient. Ah, if only there was a way I could avoid the Chicago traffic.

[Clouds appear above him spelling "THE L TRAIN"]

Nostalgia Critic: Take the L train, of course, that's a great idea! Aw, but which one goes to the loop?

[The clouds read "TAKE THE GREEN LINE FROM HARLEM"]

Nostalgia Critic: Of course, how stupid of me! But what if I want to keep my options open?

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, I think this calls for another...Scary Slow Mo. [Clip of Spiker and Sponge replays in slow motion, giving the Critic shivers] Jesus Christ! I wonder if they use that picture for their email greetings!

[In the style of an e-card, the still shot of the two aunts yelling is used as a background]

Greeting Card: Happy New Year from the Hag Sisters! May all your resolutions come true, and don't forget to WOOOOOOORK!!!

Nostalgia Critic: Well, that scene was necessary because it informed us that James is afraid of a giant rhinoceros that ate his parents. JEEZ, I NEVER WOULD HAVE PUT TOGETHER THAT JAMES WAS AFRAID OF A GIANT RHINOCEROS THAT ATE HIS PARENTS! I'm surprised Randy didn't write a song about it. [Impersonating Randy Newman's singing] Rhinos, they scare little boys / Assassinating parents don't bring them much joy- It's Randy.

Nostalgia Critic: Guess what? I was lookin' at the lineup, and it turns out the very next movie I'm gonna review is "The Avengers"! [Promotional posters from the upcoming comic book adaptation are shown over dramatic music] I know! Can you believe it, right? One of the most hyped up comic book movies of all time! I-I didn't even know it was finished yet! But apparently, we're gonna take a look at it and see how it holds up. Are you ready? I know I sure am. Let's take a sneak peek at what we're in store for. [Cut to the title screen and music for the unrelated 1998 movie of the same name] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [Inhales] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! [Inhales one more time] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! [Drops his head to his desk and pauses before throwing up his arms] Go ahead.

Nostalgia Critic: [after Father is introduced] Father? The woman's name...is Father? Let me see if I understand this ministry correctly: you have a woman named Father, a man named Mother, a package instructing agents how to pick up a phone, a message telling a woman to meet in a place where no women are allowed, and most likely letting a criminal with hard evidence against her solve her own crime?! Does anything in this agency make sense!? Everything is totally frigging upside-down! Hell, while we're at it, why don't we throw in some more confusing names! [starts speaking in a British accent] Ah yes, after you have the information, drop it off to Agent Sister [an old man], who will then drop it off to Agent Brother [a teenage girl], right after handing it over to Agent Cat [a Dalmatian], who will relay the message to Mr. Dog [a tabby], and Mr. Dog will confirm it with Agent Black [a Ku Klux Klan member]. I'm so glad things work so sensibly around here!

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, I'm just going to sum up how every conversation in this movie goes.

90s Kid: Oh, come on! I've already got the script written out and everything! [Starts reading it aloud] "Lupa and 90s Kid start making out—" Oh, uh, thi-this is my fan fiction... [Lupa rolls her eyes and sighs] Oh, here we go, this is the real script: [Clears his throat] "90s Kid and Lupa start making out—" [The Critic uses his remote to cut him off and go back to their review]

Nostalgia Critic: Jesus, we've got all the callback characters in check! Why don't we just sing the cast that appears in every Stephen King movie?! [The theme song to "Gilligan's Island" starts playing, but with different lyrics and accompanying parody images of Maine and the miniseries' characters]

Singers: The people live in Maine, of course -- there's nowhere else to live

With the writer, the alcoholic, too

The adulterer and his whore

Some dumb rednecks, a disappointing resolution

Here in Stephen King's Maine!

Nostalgia Critic: While that’s going on, Hilly’s brother is frightened by something he hears making noise in the closet. [Davey approaches the closet that is glowing with green light, opens it, and a figure with glowing yellow fingertips spooks him][as the figure] ZUUL, MOTHERFUCK-[Davey slams the closet door in fright] OW! Son of a bitch. Ow.

Nostalgia Critic: [as the figure in the closet] Don’t listen to him! Just put your delicious brains back to sleep. Doop-ee-doop-ee-doop.

Hilly: [opens the closet door and finds nothing] It’s not a monster, Squirt.

Nostalgia Critic: But Hilly doesn’t see any monster and tells his brother to go back to sleep.

Davey: Can I sleep in your bed tonight?

Hilly: Sure. [gets into bed with Davey] Back we go, all warm and safe and toasty.

Nostalgia Critic: [suspicious] Eww, I don’t like the way he said that. [Hilly turns out the light and goes back to sleep, snuggling near Davey] And I don’t like the way he’s snuggling with him, either. You know, Maine is sick. Do you know that, Maine? You’re very sick!

Nostalgia Critic: [Skipping his usual opening line and quietly fuming to himself] OK, I'm just gonna level with you: I really fucking hate today's movie. A lot. Not because the movie itself sucks, although it DOES, but because it's a remake of one of the greatest ghost stories of all time, "The Haunting". [Cut to that film's title screen] Directed by the world renowned Robert Wise, this psychological and paranormal horror film played off the fact that you didn't know how much of the ghost story was real ghosts and how much was in the head of our mentally tortured protagonist. You know films like "Paranormal Activity, "The Others" or even "The Blair Witch Project" where the fear comes from what you don't see rather than what you do? This is the film that perfected that. And even if you don't find it scary, it's a brilliant character study and a Gothic story. It was a brilliant film back then and it's a brilliant film right now. So director Jan de Bont -- ya know, this fucker [Cut to a poster for the movie "Twister"] -- came up one day and said "What does that Robert Wise schmuck know?! He hasn't directed anything good! I mean, what does he have under his belt? Just 'The Day the Earth Stood Still', 'Sound of Music', 'West Side Story', 'The Andromeda Strain', 'Sand Pebbles' -- what a hack! I directed this shit, [Cut to posters for 'Speed 2' and 'Tomb Raider 2'] so I can do it so much better! I know it's scary -- I made a tornado growl! [Cut to a scene from "Twister"] I'm the master of fucking subtlety!"

Nostalgia Critic: [After Eleanor in the remake says 'Who was holding my hand?'] What's that? You are wondering what that line has to do with anything? Well again, let's go back to the original. [Plays footage from the original scene while voicing over] You see, they built up this big scary scene that Theo was next to Eleanor comforting her, supposedly holding her hand. When in reality they discovered when they turned on the light, nobody was holding her hand at all. Now naturally, this scene lasted four to five minutes, building up suspense and tension. In this film, it's just one friggin line. [Replays scene from remake] What do you mean "who was holding your hand"? When did you ever indicate someone was holding your hand? Did someone grab it when she was shoved out of bed? Is that it? Well that's really, fucking, poorly handled YOU SCHMUCKS! JUST BECAUSE YOU STEAL A LINE FROM A SCARY MOVIE DOESN'T MAKE IT AUTOMATICALLY SCARY! IT'S CALLED "ATMOSPHERE" AND "GIVING A CRAP"!! GOD, I COULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HOW SHITTY THIS REMAKE IS! ACTUALLY, I DID -- IT'S CALLED "HOW SHITTY THIS REMAKE IS". [Cut to a picture of that same book] IT'S A PRETTY EASY READ -- ALL IT CONTAINS IS THE WORDS "THIS MOVIE SUCKS! THIS MOVIE SUCKS! THIS MOVIE SUCKS!" [Cut to an excerpt from Chapter 1 with that phrase written over and over]

(Eleanor sees a ghost flying across her room and the angle cuts to two windows in the room which look like eyes)

The Nostalgia Critic: (sigh) Well, it's official. The House has turned into a cartoon.

(a huge cartoon grin appears on the wall beneath the windows)

Hill House: I'M GONNA KILL YOU, ELEANOR! Heeheehee!

(As Eleanor, Theo and Luke run to the exit)

Nostalgia Critic: ...and it's been a horrible movie with horrible characters and bland storytelling, we have yet to find its Jumping the Shark moment. Wait? I think there's one right now. Could this be it, Owen Wilson being dragged to the fireplace? Wait, I think they're going to do it, yes they're about to - (Hugh Crain smashes a statue on Luke's head killing him) YES they finally did it - they Jumped the Shark, ladies and gentlemen, the shark has been jumped! Not only have they pissed on the intelligence of the people who saw the original film they have also pissed on the intelligence of us, the movie-goers! My God, I have seen some shark-jumping in my day, but that, that is total cock-dick!

Nostalgia Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and not even a bisexual Catherine Zeta-Jones could save this movie. [Beat] Think about that.

Nostalgia Critic: Let's talk about "The Blair Witch Project". In 1999, this movie got a lot of hype for creating a lot of scares with a less-than-minimal budget. It was shot mostly on a video camera and starred three film students in the middle of the woods. Audiences even to this day are rather split about it -- some call it one of the scariest movies of all time, while others say it's just a shaky-cam vomiting mess. Whatever people's thoughts, there's no denying it had a huge impact. Not only did the movie make a ton of money, but it also inspired the home video horror genre -- ya know, films like "Cloverfield", "The Last Exorcism" and of course "Paranormal Activity" -- all of them pulling off big Hollywood scares with a home video touch. Well, just a mere one year later after the film's release, Artisan came along and said "Hey! If they made a bundle with little money and clever ideas, surely we can do the opposite with the sequel!" [Beat] "Well too bad, that's what we're doing." [The movie's title screen is shown] You know those direct-to-DVD sequels? Well, this is one of those direct-to-garbage-can sequels. It looks so rushed, so half-assed and so having little to do with the original that you'd swear they took a totally different movie and just slapped the words "Blair Witch 2" on it. Ya know, something like "The Departed: Blair Witch 2," "Alien vs. Predator: Blair Witch 2" or "Toy Story 2: Blair Witch 2"!

[The review starts with the Critic's head down on his desk in silent shame before he cues up the theme song from the "Doug" cartoon, shows the movie's title screen and then cuts to a scene from "A Few Good Men"]

Colonel Jessep: You fuckin' people...

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, indeed. For those who don't know, I have a particular hate for the cartoon series "Doug". Not because the show itself is an ungodly boring waste of time -- though that certainly doesn't help -- but more that anyone growing up with the name Doug was constantly tortured by the fact that this show was about a wimpy, unpopular dork-a-doofus who coincidentally shared the same name. Just hearing the theme music alone seems to be causing an impressive tumor in my brain that I have decided to name "Porkchop". I look forward to when it finally finishes me off and I never have to listen to that song again. [Beat] But I digress. Once Disney took over and started running the show on ABC as opposed to Nickelodeon, fans were outraged, because, you know, the original was such a classic. So once Disney asked the loyal fans if they would like to see a motion picture based on the astounding epic hero, people all over the world proudly replied "Eh", and the movie was made.

[Doug has just given away an important fact in front of one of the bad guys]

Nostalgia Critic: DUMBASS! DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS! How much of a DUMBASS are you?! In fact, if you look up "dumbass" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of...

[The Critic looks up the dictionary entry for "Dumbass," expecting to find a picture of Doug, but instead finds a picture of Tommy Wiseau by the entry]

Nostalgia Critic: WELL, IT SHOULD BE YOU IN THERE!

[Roger's friends just made a giant robot and a shrinking ray]

Nostalgia Critic: Um, hey, here's an idea. Instead of calling a news conference about a sea monster, um, why don't you call the news conference ABOUT A BUNCH OF HIGH-SCHOOLERS THAT MADE A FUCKING SHRINKING RAY?! OR A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT?! DON'T YOU THINK THAT SHOULD GET SOME ATTENTION?! DON'T YOU THINK JUST INSTEAD OF SHRUGGING COMEDICALLY THESE KIDS SHOULD GET A NOBEL PRIZE FOR CHANGING THE WORLD OF SCIENCE AS WE FUCKING KNOW IT?! WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU JELLYBEAN-COLORED SIMPSON REJECTS?!

Colonel Jessep: You fuckin' people...

Nostalgia Critic: BUT...I digress!

[After Doug disguises the monster as a teenage girl and brings it to school]

Patti: [Thinking to herself] Look at Doug with that cute girl!

Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute. WHAT? [The line is repeated] OK, alright, I can believe the boys getting excited for the dance. I can believe the mayor not using her powers at all to prove an earth-shattering discovery. I can believe high schoolers can build a giant robot AND a shrinking ray and have none of that get any media attention. BUT... if you expect me to believe that any high school girl -- high school girl, mind you -- would look at this deformed demon, think he's a female student, and ACTUALLY VERBALLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SHE'S CUTE, YOU ARE ON METH!! I mean, my God! Do you have ANY idea how the teenage female mind works?! They will pick apart anything that is not stylized perfection! This is the species that's turning this [Shows a picture of the cover of the first "Twilight" book] into a cultural phenomenon! They will criticize thighs -- THIGHS, FOR GOD'S SAKE -- AND YOU'RE SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THEY WOULD CALL THIS BEAUTY SHOW GENOCIDE CUTE?! YOU ARE FIRED FROM BREATHING! Please pack up your desk and kindly leave LIFE!!! BUT...I DIGRESS!

Nostalgia Critic: You know, it just hit me: I don't think they ever specifically say in this version what it is that destroys them. Is it the inside of the planet? Is it colliding with another planet? Is the sun too close? [Beat] Is it Marvin the Martian again? [Cuts to a clip from the Looney Tunes cartoon "Hare-Way to the Stars" with the Critic's voice imitating that of Marvin the Martian] "Oh, I'm going to blow up Krypton. It obstructs my view of Venus." [The planet is finally shown blowing up]

Marvin the Martian: Isn't that lovely, hm?

[The Critic adds his own lyrics to the show's theme song over the review's credits]

[Instead of his usual opening line, the Critic crawls up from the floor underneath his desk]

Nostalgia Critic: Just do yourself a favour and go. Just go. Click on something else. Really, you don't wanna stay here. You won't survive it. [Laughs] I barely survived it! [Mouths those words before laughing with barely controlled rage] This movie's HORRENDOUS! It's horrendous! It's just ungodly, unnatural! IF A PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT MADE A MOVIE... and that MOVIE TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT, THIS IS THAT PIECE OF SHIT YOU WOULD SEE!!! [Exhales] Felix the Cat.

[An unnecessary musical number starts up as a family of foxes looks at Felix's bag under which he is hiding]

Background singers: Sly as a fox, you got me under your spell.

Nostalgia Critic: Uh, does this really warrant a song? It's just some foxes looking at a bag. Why does this lend itself to musical accompaniment?

Background singers: And you just outfoxed yourself, the way I knew you would.

Nostalgia Critic: They must be learning from the Randy Newman School of Pointless Song Writing! [Footage of the fox family plays again]

Randy Newman: [Voiced by the Nostalgia Critic, singing] Foxes. They like looking at bags and then they walk away so their tails are gonna wag. You pay Randy, now.

Nostalgia Critic: He follows the tear down a hole where he sees the remains of an old mine.

Felix: I think I'm starting to fall for you. [laughs to himself, then comes across a skull] Boy, could you use a Big Mac, huh? [Laughs again, but this time it sounds very maniacal] Bleaah!

Nostalgia Critic: Boy, Felix is kind of sick, isn't he? Does he always laugh at the dead when he comes across them? [Mocks Felix while pointing off-screen camera left] Ha ha ha ha, you stupid Skull! Ha ha ha ha! Alright time to get some reading done, ahem! [Pulls up a history book titled History's monsters and opens it before pulling back his head to laugh] Ha, ha ha ha! Stupid people who died at the hands of Joseph Stalin! Bleaah!

Nostalgia Critic: While that's going on, the entertainer (Wack Lizardi) tries to force Felix to show how to use his magic bag.

Wack Lizardi: What is your name? [Felix doesn't answer] Alright, let's try again. What... is your name? [camera cuts to Pim doing... SOMETHING on one of the Cylinder robots but it basically looks like he's hopping on either foot while repeatedly saying "Eh eh eh eh!"]

Felix: My name is Felix. [Pim continues to do whatever he's doing on the cylinder]

Nostalgia Critic: STOP THAT! You're getting way too much enjoyment out of whatever you're doing! [Pim continues hopping on either foot][chuckles] What did they even tell the person who was animating that? [imitates a director speaking to an animator] Alright, I want you to make it look like he's dry-humping a trash can. No questions damn it, no questions. I have a very specific vision!

Audience: [singing] Who is our boss? The Duke of Zill, of course! Who's never at a loss? The Duke of Zill, of course!

[a frame of Princess Oriana facepalming is shown]

Nostalgia Critic: What the anus? [the frame disappears] Okay, I have no idea why they just showed her face right there, but, let me tell you, it sums up the movie. That's the face I'm gonna make throughout the entire flick.

[another clip plays, with the Critic facepalming over it in the same way as Oriana]

Nostalgia Critic: [sighs] This whole sequence is like a bad fever dream after watching Pink Floyd's The Wall!

Pink: [from The Wall] Are there any queers in the audience tonight? Get 'em up against the wall!

Audience: 'gainst the wall!

Pink: There's one in the spotlight, he don't look right!

Nostalgia Critic: This whole movie is like a beating on your child's brains! If I was diagnosed with a terminal illness and the only cure for it was watching this film, I'd say GIVE ME ANOTHER TERMINAL ILLNESS JUST SO I CAN DIE FASTER!

Duke of Zill: What is this? Some kind of joke? (He reads the following words inside the book that magically appear) :“Truth”? “Love”? “Wisdom”? I've been suffering and waiting all these years for this crutch?

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, at least those years were in flashback. We had to sit through a whole hour and a half for this weak-ass twist!

Nostalgia Critic:: So Felix tries to go back to his dimension, but it turns out none of the gold the professors brought is able to pass through.

Princess Oriana: But I have a feeling that your gold will pass through the Dimensporter.

Felix: But Princess, I don't have any gold.

Princess Oriana: You're wrong, Felix. You do. You have a heart of gold.

[As the movie ends, the Critic screams in frustration, utterly disgusted by the cliche]

Felix: Righty-O!

[The Critic explodes in a torrent of agitated screams that build in anger and frustration as the credits roll with the 3-D Felix head appearing alongside them]

Nostalgia Critic: OH, FUCK YOU, YOU DECAPITATED MACY'S DAY BALLOON! YOU ARE SHIT ON A DICK! This movie...THIS MOVIE...I mean, MY GOD! It is horrendously bad--beyond annoying! Every second is like a kick to my ballsack! The story, the characters--everything about it is like a little kid jumping on her bed, screaming! It's just loud, grating, and makes no sense! It's one of the worst, people--one of the worst I've ever had to sit through! It is a piece of...DAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! There are no words to describe it! There's only one single, solitary image! [The picture of Princess Oriana covering her face in despair is overlaid on the Critic] Thank you! I'm the Nostalgia Critic--RUN, MY CHILDREN! RUN! YOU ARE FREE! FLEE THIS HORRIBLE CAULDRON OF ASS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

For causing so much misery. [The Critic's portion of the review begins with him holding a bottle of rum while sitting on a mattress in his bedroom surrounded by pieces of paper tacked on the walls in another nod to the film]

Nostalgia Critic: "Moulin Rouge"... a movie... a musical nominated for several Oscars... directed by Baz Luhrmann... a film of pretentious pleasures, where art house beatniks and singing emos praise this uninspired butt-fuck for its originality. How could they not see that this film has ripped off every tired romance, every overused line, every attention-grabbing editing trick to make people believe it's saying more than it really is? [He grabs his laptop and opens it up] But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. [He types out the following line] I first saw the movie exactly one week ago...

[As Christian is singing lyrics from various contemporary pop songs to Satine]

Nostalgia Critic: Boy, this must've been the fucking easiest screenplay to write: just let your mix CD get jumbled into your CD player and write down whatever lyrics you can make out!

Brentalfloss: That, or put five dollars in a jukebox and write down only the main choruses you hear. [The Critic and Nostalgia Chick both turn to him] Oh that's right... I got a screenplay.

The movie ends

Nostalgia Critic: There! After all that bullcrap, all that stupidity, are you seriously telling me that you two still like this movie?!

Floss and Chick: Yup.

Nostalgia Critic: Yup? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "YUP"?! ALL YOU DID WAS TALK ABOUT HOW HORRIBLE IT WAS!

Brental Floss: Well, it is horrible, Critic. It's godawful.

Nostalgia Chick: We still enjoy it. Some of it. Parts...ASPECTS of it.

Nostalgia Critic: But why? How?

Brental Floss:(singing) In every heart there lies a place

All across the human race

Nostalgia Chick:(singing) Beneath a veil of fear and pride

Guilty pleasures lie inside.

Brental Floss:(singing) Things that make our heart take wing

Sometimes they're embarrassing.

Against their sway we have no powers

Floss and Chick:(singing) And Moulin Rouge is one of ours.

Guilty pleasures!

Everybody has a few!

Guilty pleasures!

You and me and even you!

Guilty pleasures!

Contradict your sense of taste!

Guilty pleasures!

They can only be embraced!

Brental Floss:(singing) The fireman who loves ballet.

Nostalgia Chick:(singing) The model who loves anime.

Floss and Chick:(singing) We all have a stupid song

That always makes us sing along!

So reconcile inside your mind

Our love for Moulin Rouge is blind.

Yes, it's dumb

Yes, it's gay

But we love it anyway!

Guilty pleasures!

Everybody has a few!

Guilty pleasures!

You and me and even you!

Guilty pleasures!

Surely even you have some!

Guilty pleasures!

Love them even though they're dumb!

Nostalgia Critic: I think I get it! (singing) Like how I enjoy Rocky 4

[A ghost suddenly appears in the Critic's living room, interrupting his review]

Ghost: Ooooooh! Ooooooh! I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future!

Nostalgia Critic: The Ghost of Christmas Future?

Ghost: Yes the Ghost of Christmas Future! I'm here to show you what happens if you don't start enjoying Christmas!

Nostalgia Critic: But... I do enjoy Christmas.

Ghost: [Beat] What?

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, I love it. I'm all over it.

Ghost: [Looks around] You have absolutely no hatred for Christmas?

Nostalgia Critic: No, [it's] my favorite time of the year.

Ghost: Alright. [Walks over and takes a seat next to the Critic at his desk] Alright, guy, [I] don't think you understand quite how this works. Every comedy show does a "Christmas Carol" parody, usually around Christmas...

Nostalgia Critic: Well not me, I don't wanna.

Ghost: [Sighs] I've got these three other ghosts waiting, they're on retainer, it's just too much...

Nostalgia Critic: I don't care!

Ghost: [Sighs] Think of the possibilities! The sight gags! The puns! [Grabs the Critic by his shoulders] THINK OF THE CAMEOS!

Nostalgia Critic: He takes all his antics and goes all the way [The Grinch is shown leaping away from an explosion]

There's an explosion in The Grinch. Who directed this, Michael Bay?

Narrator: And so whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood outside his cave, hating the Whos.

Nostalgia Critic: WAIT A MINUTE! "Whatever the reason?" Dude, are you high? They just told you the reason, you dumb stupid ass guy! It's because he was mocked, all the way from the start! What, did you just fall asleep on that part????

Nostalgia Critic: That's the film. Oh my GOD! Could it be any longer?!

Phelous: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to! Well, what movie can I review today to make my voice more high-pitched than it already is?! How about a timeless Christmas classic like...

[After Santa and his wife are rescued from the cold by the elves and brought to their workshop]

Santa: What is all this?

Elf: They're Christmas toys, waiting for you.

Santa: What have they got to do with me?

Elf: You're going to give them to your children. You have all the children of the world.

Santa: I won't live long enough for that.

Elf: Both of you will live forever.

Nostalgia Critic: Um, am I the only one who finds this a little threatening at times? I mean, granted, these people did save them from death, but then they're like [Starts imitating Santa and the elf back and forth] "You live here now." "What?" "You deliver toys for all eternity." "I didn't agree to this." "You will live forever." "I have some questions about all thi—" "Or we could throw you out in the snow to die. Would you like that better?" "No." "Alright then! Get to work, slave -- we're not paying you anything."

Nostalgia Critic: Good God, this is just watching a bunch of footage and then seeing somebody comment on it. [Beat] Who the hell would wanna see that?!

[In response to one of several uninterrupted -- and wholly uninteresting -- special effects shots]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God! This is agony! This is such boredom! Angry Joe, why didn't ya tell me?! Tell me there's an edit coming up, these shots are going on forever. Please give me a cut, just give me a cut! [Cuts to Joe -- who appeared earlier in the review -- in an homage to "Wrath of Khan"]

Angry Joe: Oh I've done far worse than give you no cuts. I've hurt you, and I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as this movie left me, left all audiences: marooned in the center of a dead screening, bored out of your mind! Bored out of your mind!

Nostalgia Critic: [Shaking his fist in a final "Wrath of Khan" homage]CUUUUUUUUUUT!!![Echoing]CUUUUUUUUUUT!!! CUUUUUUUUUUT!!!

Nostalgia Critic: So, to put it bluntly... he'll be back after these messages. [The screen starts fading to black] No wait! Wait! That was a joke! That was a joke! I wasn't serious! Oh hey! What're you doing?! STOP! [When viewed on the Critic's web site, it cuts to an actual ad here before abruptly cutting back to the Critic] Ugh! Chester report!

Chester A. Bum: We were intercepted by a word from our sponsor!

Nostalgia Critic: Dammit! Those advertising executives are getting more and more clever. Raise our shields against any more commercial plugs!

Chester A. Bum: Yes sir! Incidentally, this raising of the shields is brought to you by the delicious taste of Diet Coke.

[Skipping his usual opening line, the Critic instead recaps the events of "Wrath of Khan" by parodying the cliffhangers frequently used in the 1960s "Batman" TV show, complete with the original music]

Nostalgia Critic: Last time in the good "Star Trek" movie... oh no! Khan escaped from his prison? A new toy called "Genesis" that creates life in two seconds but still can't create a good Sonic game in years! Kirstie Alley? As a Vulcan? She does well, but that's just plain weird! Revenge is sought after, and Shatner says Khan's name like he's passing a kidney stone!

Captain Kirk: KHAAAAAAAAN!!

Nostalgia Critic: What's this? Spock is sacrificing himself for the crew? It appears this Vulcan wants out of this franchise! Will he be sucked back by the fact that he's the most marketable character? Stay tuned! Same "Star Trek" time, same "Star Trek" channel!

[Before he can proceed with his review, the Critic is interrupted by text on his screen that says "Incoming Cameo"]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh God, this is probably what we've been waiting for. OK, put it onscreen. [Cuts away to fellow TGWTG reviewer That Sci-Fi Guy in another room]

That Sci-Fi Guy: Hi, Critic!

Nostalgia Critic: Sci-Fi Guy?

That Sci-Fi Guy: Yeah, who'd you think it was gonna be?

Nostalgia Critic: Uh, no one, I thought it was gonna be Linkar—anyway, what's up?

That Sci-Fi Guy: Well I got that copy of "Star Trek 5" that you wanted.

Nostalgia Critic: D'oh, that's right! I don't have a copy of it 'cause I only try to own good movies.

That Sci-Fi Guy: Yeah well, you know, being a sci-fi nerd, it's kinda required by law that I own everything "Star Trek," even the really bad stuff like the Christmas special.

Nostalgia Critic: So as they go out on their first trip on a routine test run, there's -- say it with me now -- [He's joined by a chorus of voices and onscreen text as they all say the following sentences] a distress call. They're the only ship in range, and they don't have the proper necessities, but they're going anyway. [Now addressing the viewer] I have trained you well.

[Picard joins Kirk at what he thinks is his old home inside the Nexus]

Picard: This isn't really your house. We are both of us caught up in some kind of temporal nexus.

Kirk: [Cracks open an egg in a pan] Dill.

Picard: I beg your pardon?

Kirk: Dill weed. In the cabinet. Behind the oregano. [Picard fetches it for him as "Star Trek" is suddenly displayed onscreen with "Next Generation" theme music playing and the Critic's dramatically enhanced voice]

Nostalgia Critic: Behold, two of the greatest Starfleet captains of all time making eggs! Only one other thing could top off this epic pairing of awesomeness... [Three slices of toast pop out of a toaster and Kirk motions to them] Toast! We have toast! [The word is displayed onscreen] Ladies and gentlemen, toast! Oh-ho my God, I just soiled myself!

Bolian: Captain, Hars Adislo, we met at the Nel Bato Conference last year. Did you ever have a chance to read my paper on thermionic transconductance?

Picard: Would you excuse me?

Nostalgia Critic: [shocked] Who was that guy?!

Linkara: I don't know.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, you've seen all the shows! Has he ever popped up?

Linkara: Not that I'm aware of.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, maybe he'll explain it in his next scene.

Linkara: He doesn't have a "next scene".

Nostalgia Critic: You mean, he just completely...

Linkara: ...vanishes.

[The clip of the Bolian replays with mysterious music from Titanic, while the Critic goes into close-up with a pondering look on his face]

Nostalgia Critic: Who were you, Blue Man...?

Linkara: I'm, sorry, but I'm not behind this, at least not in the way these pompous jerks are flaunting it. First of all, you have machines! We saw your irrigation line, you idiots! And those clothes look pretty damn well-tailored for people who don't have the ability to manufacture them properly! Second, this movie builds this place up as paradise, as Eden or Perfection. However, their philosophy is the complete opposite of what Star Trek stands for! Star Trek, in the end, is about how advanced technology has done us so much good, allows us to do so many great things, and that the future is a bright one, partially because we want for nothing! THIS movie, however, tells us we need to "get back to nature" and be smug hippie jackasses who reject technology and machines in favor of being so inbred that we don't believe in any other colors for our clothes except brown!

Nostalgia Critic: Yikes, Linkara!

Linkara: I'm sorry, but I really HATE these people! They piss me off!

Nostalgia Critic: What, do you hate Amish people, too?

Linkara: No, they hate me. But at least the Amish have religious reasons for rejecting technology! These guys are just dumb! We see them using tools! And in the end, what is technology but just advanced tools?

Nostalgia Critic: Well, on the bright side, it's not like we have to deal with them that ofte-

Linkara: Yes, I have every episode of "Star Trek" in my ship's databanks. [Cuts away to the Critic smothering his face with a pillow and hitting himself as Linkara continues] I intend to use them throughout this review whenever the continuity seems off. Come to think of it, we could probably have used that a few scenes ago. Mind if we go back? [The Critic screams into his pillow] I'll take that as a "no".

Nostalgia Critic: As you can probably tell by my voice, I'm just getting over an illness. It was either brought on by natural circumstances or the film I saw was so bad it made me physically sick. Either one wouldn't surprise me! So, the doctor says I should be fine, though, as long as I get plenty of rest and relaxa— [He's suddenly hit in the face by a red ball thrown from his left off-screen]OWW![He's joined by a man (himself) wearing a lab coat, a rainbow wig and a red clown nose]

Bitch Spasms: Ho-ho, what? You don't trust a doctor who looks like this?

Nostalgia Critic: ...No, I don't.

Bitch Spasms: Look, a red nose! It's funny!

Nostalgia Critic: No it isn't.

Bitch Spasms: It's funny!

Nostalgia Critic: No it isn't.

Bitch Spasms: It's funny!

Nostalgia Critic: No it isn't.

Bitch Spasms: It's funny!

Nostalgia Critic: No it isn't.

Bitch Spasms: It's funny!

Nostalgia Critic: No it isn't. [Spasms throws his nose at the Critic's face again]OWW!

Carin: [Speaking to Patch] Don't you think I see through you, hm? You act like you're above the system when you're really just a non-conformist. You have to get under the fingernails of any authority figure that crosses your path as a way of dealing with some insecurity. ["YOU WIN!" flashes on the screen and a crowd is heard cheering]

Nostalgia Critic: That is correct! That is correct! Please hand over the rest of the movie to her -- clearly she should be the focus!

[after finding out about Patch's murdered girlfriend]

Nostalgia Critic: Whoa! Holy smokes, she died in real life? That's horrible! C-c-can I even make a joke about that? I mean, a woman was murdered! It would probably be in bad taste, right? God, I-I-I feel so bad about what I said earlier! I don't know about what I can or can't get away with now, this is really sensitive territory! Holy shit-- [pulls out Blackberry] I need to do more research on this! I need to find out all the details! Maybe she was molested, maybe she did go through all that horrible stuff or maybe she was... [pause] ...a man! Who was not romantically interested in Patch at all, in fact, the female character was a complete work of fiction in this movie! [pauses again to think about the fact, then, drops Blackberry and starts removing his belt] Okay movie. Come here. Come here! You're getting a whoopin', movie! YOU'RE GETTING A WHOOPIN', MOVIE! [the poster to the film is seen laughing and jumping, before the Critic grabs it and puts it on his lap as he sits] Come here! Come here! Come here! [starts giving the poster the belt] That's a BAD movie, that's a BAD, BAD movie! I am so ashamed of you! BAD MOVIE! [belts it one final time as the poster laughs]

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, all bets are off! If this movie can't even represent a dead person by getting his gender right, not making up a false romance, AND A CHILD MOLESTING STORY, all of it fabricated... I'm sorry, I've worked my way up to this joke! Remember that scene I brought up earlier? [The library scene is played again]

Patch: What if a doctor becomes emotionally involved with a patient? What is wrong with that? Does the doctor explode?

Nostalgia Critic: Well, if you count bullets blowing up the head of your fictional dead girlfriend, YES! YES, THEY FUCKING DO! I mean, I know a person really was murdered in real life, but it wasn't the same way, it wasn't the same time, and it wasn't even the same gender as they're saying here! And what is so strange about this is that it totally proves why the method they're so poorly trying to convey to us wouldn't work! People do make bad choices when they're emotional, and bad things do happen! Again, the real teachings of the real Hunter Adams are much smarter than this, and by trying to simplify it to such a disgusting, fictionalized degree is absolutely horrible! Let me tell YOU something, movie! Maybe YOU should've been "emotionally invested" when you were representing the life of a man, his theories, his friends, his real-life practices, and his actual hard work! [While flipping the bird at the screen] FUCK...YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!

Nostalgia Critic: People, this movie is disgusting! If you want to talk about the benefits of emotional interaction with your patients, fine! If you want to talk about new forms of practicing medicine and treating people, fine, but DO IT AS A FUCKING ADULT, not this childish, poorly written, non-factual bullshit! You know what you do? You know what...Don't watch the fictional, bad Patch Adams! [The movie poster appears on his right, and he spits on it, while a picture of the real life Patch Adams appears on his left] Watch the real, factual Patch Adams! I've looked him up--his work is fascinating, and it goes beyond just simply jumping around like a jackass! He's a professional, he takes his patients seriously, he works with each one individually! Every experience is different, and he works hard! And, wouldn't you know it, he didn't like this movie very much! He said it portrayed him as just a clown instead of a hardworking doctor who did practice medicine with a license, did not steal from a hospital, and had a male best friend who sadly lost his life and was not just a cheap romantic foil!

Patch Adams: When you've had an apparently simple film made of your life by a person that's much shorter than you, people still feel they have a sense that they know you.

Nostalgia Critic: Look the guy up! [PatchAdams.org appears on the screen] Donate to his hospital if you want, just don't believe anything in this shitfuckfuckfuckshitfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckshitfuck!

[The review begins with the Critic entering a convention through a huge revolving door while narrating to himself]

Nostalgia Critic: As I enter my next con at Anime Milwaukee, I realize that I stand upon the threshold of my two hundredth episode. My God, two hundred episodes! I can't just review another bad nostalgic movie. I have to review something different and unexpected. But what could I choose? [Looking around the convention] Anime! It continues to be such a large part of the geek culture. Surely there must be something strange enough and unique enough that Japanese animation can give me to look at? [He suddenly sees a stuffed clownfish on a display] Of course! Inspired, ingenious, the Internet will love me forever! I now know what I must review for my two hundredth episode! [Cuts to the Critic addressing an assembled crowd of convention attendees] I'm gonna review "Ponyo"! [There's an awkward pause before the crowd angrily rushes the stage and the Critic recoils and screams]

[Sosuke manages to get on top of a rock before the tide comes in, but not before seeing a pair of eyes in the water]

Sosuke: That was weird.

Nostalgia Critic: Yup, we're definitely in a Miyazaki movie: only in his world can water have eyes and the only response is...

Nostalgia Critic: He's in charge of running the hotel, and making sure everything goes according to plan. And, let me guess, he's the boys'... [The word "Father" appears next to a picture of Darth Vader with a "Ding!" sound, which repeats for each of the following] and the mother is... [The word "Kaput" appears next to a picture of Bambi's mother] and a great, big, fancy party is happening... [The word "Tomorrow" appears next to a picture of Annie and her dog] and the odds of any plot device being original in this movie is... [The word "Zero" appears next to a picture of the video game character of the same name] Could you just... fax me the disappointment I'm going to receive?

[As Dunston is pestering the boys' father while he's sleeping]

Nostalgia Critic: My God, they're not! You've done every single monkey cliché in the book, you're not honestly going to do— [He crawls into bed with the father] Yup! They're doing the "monkey in the bed" routine, where the person mistakes some sort of strange animal for a human being in their bed. People, I'm not kidding, this joke has been around since the dawn of time. [Beat] No, really, I'm not joking, it was there at the birth of man -- look! [Cuts to the opening scene of "2001" and provides subtitles for what the monkeys are saying to each other]

Various Monkeys: "Hey guys, I totally think we should do a bit where a guy sleeps in a bed with a monkey and he doesn't know it." "I dunno, that sounds like it might get old fast." "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" "We're also gonna put babies in Super Bowl commercials! That will never get old!" "Babies? Genius! Can we make them horribly lip-sync?" "YES..." "WE..." "CAN!!!!"

Nostalgia Critic: This is a story about an old man who has lost all hope in life, all because of his misguided faith in a simple engine. However, with the help of his granddaughter, and the courage of a small town, he may be able to find that special magic to make his engine run once more. Academy Award nominee Peter Fonda, Academy Award nominee Alec Baldwin, Most Adorable Smile Award Mara Wilson—really? That annoying "Mrs. Doubtfire" kid? Um, okay... and making his film debut, Thomas the Tank Engine—okay, whose joke is this? Come on, come on, where's the real summary? Come on, I mean, there is no way Thomas the Tank Engine is in a Peter Fonda and Alec Baldwin movie. [Someone whispers to the Critic off-screen] Oh, oh, see? I'm right. [Listens to them] Peter Fonda and Alec Baldwin... are in a Thomas the Tank Engine movie? [Beat] WHAA—? [Gets cut off by the opening title screen]

Nostalgia Critic: I know, you're thinking to yourself "How could any successful actor bring himself to star in a movie that requires him to say the line "Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!"?" Well, I think you underestimate the power of those words. I think Baldwin saw the possibilties of that line, the magic it possesses, and the ability to touch an entire generation. Don't act like these words haven't had a HUGE impact on your life!

Nostalgia Critic: Now because of this, a lot of people have been accusing me of being an anti-ground-ite. Well let me tell you something, I have nothing against hard-working floors! Sure, they're taken for granted, sure, we walk over them all the time, but that doesn't mean they don't have feelings, too. Many of my good friends are floors! In fact, I have a good relationship with my floor here. [Gestures to it] Isn't that right, Howard? [A gunshot is fired and the Critic ducks to avoid it] Apparently floors can fire guns. [Beat] I-I did not know that. [Looks back down at his floor] How're you holding that thing, anywa— [He ducks to avoid another gunshot]

Nostalgia Critic: And now we come to the public service announcement part of our show. This is for all you aspiring writers out there. For everybody out there who's looking to get something published in Hollywood... don't ever use the word "angel" in your screenplay. [Beat] Ever. Remember how well it worked in the first "Spider-man" movie?[Cuts to a clip from that film]

Aunt May: You grabbed me and said "Aunt May! Aunt May! Is that an angel?"

Nostalgia Critic: Any movie even starring an angel seems to be geared for pig shit failure. So please do yourself a favor and act like you've never heard of them. [Beat] Unless you're doing a parody of "It's a Wonderful Life". That's okay.

Nostalgia Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, [Imitates Hannibal Lecter for the following famous line] and if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat some liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. [Slurps his tongue like Lecter as he exits the room, sits down and dials his phone] Hello, take-out? Yes, I would like to order your finest duck liver, please. [Pause] Oh yes yes, oh sides? Yes, uh, I would like a, um, side of fava beans, that would be lovely, yes. [The review's credits start rolling] Something to drink? [Pauses] Let's do a Chianti, that'd be wonderful. [Pauses] What kind? A nice one, that'd be great. [Pulls his phone back to take a look at it] Something seems to be wrong with this pho— [Screams as Casper flies out of the phone from an older review and attacks him]

[Nostalgia Critic peeks out to the camera and goes to his chair as if hiding from someone]

Nostalgia Critic: [whispering] Hello i'm the Nostalgia Critic I remember it so you don't have too. Sorry about all this it's just i'm really concerned because i heard "you know who" might be in town... [lighting strikes and Bennet the Sage in a blackhood appears while music from Night on Bald Mountain is playing] aahh Sage!

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Yes...Me.

Nostalgia Critic: [terrified] You're looking good....you've been working out or somthin? [Sage just staring at Critic menecingly] New haircut, new wardrobe, penis enhancement?...

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Silence!

Nostalgia Cricitc: [startled] aahh! What do you want with me mentaly demented one?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: My day of reckoning Critc, [removes hood] my day that has been coming for nearly four years.

Nostalgia Critic: [still terrified] Reckoning?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: That little cameo of mine in your Care Bears review can only sait me for so long Critic. A full and proper crossover...is inevedable.

Nostalgia Critc: You mean yo...you wanna do a review? [Sage nods][Critc more terrified] well i guess its fine with me i'll just schedule the next five years...

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Now Critic!

Nostalgia Critic: AAHH! No offence Sage but anything having to do with you scares the shit out of me. I mean you don't review things that are well...YOU are not well.

Bennett the Sage/Devil: It took me a while Crtic, but i've finally found the perfect movie for us to rewiew.

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Critc have a little more faith in me than that. [Critc is relieved] if I showed you some of my (pause)personal collection, it'd probably kill you, if you die than I have no one to play with. So I bring you...this. [brings up the DVD]

Nostalgia Critic: Han? What're you talkin' abou— [Pauses, then shifts to a thickly sarcastic tone] Oh, wait a minute! A young kid on a distant, backwater world finds a magic sword and, under the instruction of a wise old man, finds a rogue smuggler to help him defeat a dark overlord! THIS IS STAR WA—wait, is that guy a smuggler?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Yeah, he's a smuggler.

Nostalgia Critic: THIS IS STAR WARS!

[Orin and Dagg retreat back to his ship, where they're greeted by its on-board computer]

Arthur: I wish you'd stop calling me your computer, Dagg -- it's so impersonal. After all, your body's just a machine made of flesh and blood. How would you like it if I went around calling you Meat Brain?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: [Waving] Oh hi, C-3PO!

Nostalgia Critic: Well wait a minute, it's not even a robot.

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Okay, so what do you call an A.I. that speaks in a prissy, whiny, effeminate voice and is largely used for comic relie—

Nostalgia Critic: [Rubbing his forehead] Son of a bitch it is C-3PO.

[Orin gets his sword back while still confined to his prison cell]

Orin: Guard! I have something for you!

Robot Guard: [With the Critic's dubbed monotone voice] Oh boy oh boy, I hope it is candy. [Orin stabs him through the cell door] That is not candy.

[Dagg finishes probing a fembot's circuits in her butt.]

Dagg: That should do it.

[Dagg pulls tape off her mouth, and slow porno music plays in the background as she comes up seductively]

Fembot:[seductively] Hi.

Dagg: That's more like it!

[NC looks in disgust and his jaw drops]

Fembot: Did anyone ever tell you you're awfully cute for a meat body?

Nostalgia Critic: Well, that steals it. We went from "Star Wars" to "Star Whores" in a matter of seconds!

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Though, one thing we can learn from all this is that the way to a woman's heart, is through her ass!

Nostalgia Critic: Where the hell did this scene come from?! Who thought it was a bright idea to have Dagg probe a fembot's butt?! A "fembutt" if you will! Didn't anyone ever think that their will be a children's audience that will most likely see this? Probably, because there's only one who'd find this remotely funny! No wonder they ripped off "Star Wars!" Their original ideas were just was--[shivers and exclaims in disgust]

[The review begins with the Critic in an Optimus Prime costume walking around at a convention while also narrating]

Narrator: Last time on "Transformers", Optimus Prime sold his soul to the Devil -- better known to humanity as Michael Bay -- in exchange for three hit movies, a shitload of cash and a new-found popularity in the public eye. But little did he know that the movies would only get worse and worse, leading his audience to an ungodly amount of boredom and stupidity. Still popular and still rich, Prime finds himself hanging on to little dignity and street cred. To make things worse, Bay has lost his connection with the geek community due to rumored changes to the "Ninja Turtles" franchise. So Prime has been sent out to rebuild the hype for "Transformers 4: Explosion of the Boobs". He has been sent to Anime St. Louis with his agent to recruit extras for his next movie. Huhhhh...

Nostalgia Critic/Optimus Prime: [On a stage addressing a crowd of attendees] Greetings, humanity. I am Optimus Prime. Who wants to see explosions? [The convention attendees he's addressing all cheer wildly] Who wants to see giant robots? [The attendees cheer again] Who wants to see racial stereotypes exploited to an embarrassing degree? [The attendees cheer again] Who wants to see hot ladies insultingly objectified with no identifiable intelligence or personality? [The attendees cheer again] Really? Even the women cheered that one? Well, who wants to see Shia LaBeouf?[A lone attendee starts to cheer, but quickly realizes he is alone in doing so] Alright, alright, there's some hope for you yet.

[Optimus is speaking to his agent (actually Brad Jones, a.k.a. the Cinema Snob) in a hotel room]

Nostalgia Critic/Optimus Prime: Christ, Jerry, did ya see the look on their faces when I mentioned the movie? All that misguided optimism, it's like telling a blind kid they're gonna pet a bunny when really it's a porcupine.

Nostalgia Critic/Optimus Prime: But at what cost, Jerry? At what cost?

Jerry: I told ya: $1,123,000,000 worldwide. Now get some sleep, we got more auditions to get through. I'm gonna go do coke off a prostitute who's also doin' coke in a hot tub.

Nostalgia Critic/Optimus Prime: That's not physically possible.

Jerry: I'll find a way.

[As the Autobots take roll call before heading out on a mission]

Nostalgia Critic/Optimus Prime: Little-known fact, here are some of the other kick-ass names that were not used for other Transformers: [The following are also listed onscreen] Cold-Iron, Metal-Stab, Violent-Speed, Dick-Thrust, Nut-Jab, Jesus-Punch, Bill and Tit-Tackler. [Beat] I'm particularly sad that one didn't make it in.

Nostalgia Critic/Optimus Prime: You know, it just hit me: am I the only one who realizes that Soundwave does all the work? And yet, we know so little about him. I mean, doesn't someone with that intelligence and passion have any dreams?

Megatron: [With the Critic's dubbed voice] Soundwave, ready the army!

Soundwave: [With the Critic's dubbed monotone voice] No. I am tired of doing all the work and having no personality. I want a story arc, something that gives me depth. I want a romance. Yes, a romantic comedy. Perhaps a relationship with a toaster. The toaster could be stuck up and high-class. I will be quirky and getting in to all sorts of antics. At first she doesn't like me, but then she admires my silly charm. We get to know each other better, but then she discovers I was keeping a secret the whole time. I try to explain I held this secret because I love her, but she is too emotional and filled with hate. So she decides to marry this snob, a real uptight guy with no funny lines. She is about to be wed at the altar, but then I come stumbling in after going through some sort of comedic chase. I plead myself to her, and at first it looks like she's not buying it. But then her eyes tear up, she turns around, gives me a hug, the snobby groom is angry. But then my comedic sidekick comes in and punches him. The crowd cheers. I tell the toaster I love her. She says she loves me. We decide to get married, but we do not show it onscreen because two weddings would just be repetitive. So we end with kind of an open ending, something like we're driving a convertible into the sunset or something. This leaves it open for a sequel. I want to be played by Zac Efron, and Natalie Portman as the toaster. There is a bit of an age difference, but I think she looks young enough she can pull it off. Disney has shown interest. Garry Marshall is attached to direct. It will be called "Soundwaves of the Heart". It will be rated PG-13 for crude humor and adult situations, but nothing too bad. Just enough to let the male demographic know that it's edgy and will have some gross-out humor for them, and the female demographic will instantly be drawn to the toaster. They will be able to imagine themselves inserted into the role. It will be released in summer, preferably over a holiday weekend. It will break records, win awards, it will be the sleeper hit of the year.

Nostalgia Critic: I'm sorry, I'm just not a fan of her movies! It's like everything Mara Wilson touched back then just turned to crap! I mean look at her, with her couch, [the actual Mara Wilson appears] her modern day haircut, her 25-ish year old body, her vengeful eyes that seem to be starting directly at me right now. [recoils in fear]Mara Wilson: Hello, Critic.Critic: Mara Wilson?!Mara Wilson: I heard you've been saying some pretty nasty things about me.

Mara Wilson: [after showing embarrassing videos from Doug Walker's childhood] Well, so long, Critic. Now that people have seen the choices you made as a child, I'm sure they'll be just as accepting as you were of mine.

Nostalgia Critic: Goddammit, Robin Williams! Why do ya keep showing up here? Don't you know I'm running out of jokes? I mean, how many times can I say the same thing? You look like you're searching for an Oscar. We know you can act, so why don't you pick movies that let you? Your improvs are funny, but not needed in every single movie you do. And what's this? A movie where he plays a ten year-old trapped in a man's body? Ugh sheesh, I'm runnin' out of stuff, guys! I mean, what can I say about a bad Robin Williams movie that I can't say about all the other bad Robin Williams movies? I mean, who am I supposed to make fun of? The director? [A picture of Francis Ford Coppola appears with an accompanying "Ding!" noise] Hellooo new target practice!

Nostalgia Critic: As usual, Fran Drescher's voice sounds like a series of barn animals having asthma while smoking a box of menthols.

[Jack excitedly interrupts a photo shoot his father is running that features three female models sitting on giant carrots]

Nostalgia Critic: What the hell does this guy do for a living?! You'd think somehow this occupation would've worked its way earlier into the film?

Jack: I got to play basketball today! They picked me!

Brian: 'Kay, slow down, buddy. Slow down.

Jack: Louie has dirty magazines under his bed. What are dirty magazines? [His mother smiles over her shoulder at him]

Nostalgia Critic: Really? She's smi—She's smiling at the fact that he wants dirty magazines? Oh, who am I kidding? The father's probably shooting a dirty magazine right now! It's probably for a section called "The Farmer in Adele."

Jack: Miss Marquez ate one of my red gummy bears. She said "Way to go!" Ya know, but not because of the red gummy bears, because of the way I play basketball...

Nostalgia Critic: [as Brian] Listen son, I'd love to talk, but I've got sluts on a carrot. Whores on vegetables. This opportunity may -- strike that -- will not come again. I gotta be selfish sometimes, I'm sorry.

Chester A. Bum: Ah, well Critic, you have a, uh, five o'clock manicure, a three o'clock threatening of a micronation in Wyoming, a two o'clock meeting with Todd in The Shadows to get both of your eyebrows waxed...

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, his eyebrows are looking a little weird.

Chester A. Bum: ...and a one o'clock crossover with Diamanda Hagan.

Nostalgia Critic: A who?

Chester A. Bum: Uh, she is one of the reviewers for the site.

Nostalgia Critic: But I was told I was getting JesuOtaku this weekend.

Chester A. Bum: [Visibly agitated] No, you weren't.

Nostalgia Critic: Alright, I know the drill. [Puts down his book and donut to address the camera] I act like I'm all angry that they interrupt my review, we go back and forth and then we do the crossover. [It's] like clockwork. Anyway, if it's one of the women on the site, I'm sure I'm in for a nice-lookin' piece of— [Diamanda appears] F-F-F-F-FUCK!!! Good God! Oh sweet Jesus don't hurt me!

Nostalgia Critic: [Beat] Oh my God, we're hiring people like you now? You look like "The Crow" if he was in Candyland.

Diamanda Hagan: Well "hired," given the job under threats at gunpoint -- either way, I'm here.

Nostalgia Critic: Dare I ask what kind of stuff you review?

Diamanda Hagan: Anything really, as long as it inflicts a butt-load of pain. Or a pain-load of butts.

Nostalgia Critic: You have a movie with one of these, oh Scary One?

Diamanda Hagan: I have a movie with both! [The title screen appears] based on the popular magazine of the same name, Heavy Metal combines science-fiction stories and raunchy tales to create a cult masterpeice of cheesedom.

Nostalgia Critic: Why does it have a cult following?

Diamanda Hagan: Some say it's for the writing, some say it's for the incredibly unique imagination and creativity for the designs, but most say it's for the boobies, lots and lots of boobies! So, ready to journey into a world of perverted delight? [Nostalgia Critic still looks terrified] Oh get over it!

Nostalgia Critic: I'm sorry you look like what i saw if i say Bloody Mary three times.

Diamanda Hagan: We open in a starfield in space.

Nostalgia Critic: As opposed to a starfield somwhere else?

Diamanda Hagan: Blow me!

Nostalgia Critic: We hear a mysterious voice explaining the all generic evil of the all generic universe. Tell me if u haven't heard this dialouge a million times in other movies.

Mysterious Voice: A shadow shall fall over the universe, an evil will grow in its path, and death will come from the skies.

Nostalgia Critic: [as the voice] A...badness that will darken the light and shadow up...the...evily dark.......EPIC!!!

Nostalgia Critic: Remember when I said I didn't like the "Flintstones" cartoon? [He quickly steps out of the way to avoid being squashed by an anvil dropped on to his chair] Obviously you do. Well, there's another classic old cartoon that I also find I really can't stand: Mr. Magoo. [A much smaller anvil falls and hits his head, failing to even make him flinch] Obviously not as big a backlash.

Nostalgia Critic: They get the jewel back, the nephew and the stereotype get together, we cut back to the shitty cartoon this was based off of and -- get a load of this -- we get a disclaimer at the end saying that the film was never meant to insult anyone with poor eyesight. First of all, if you're going to apologize to anyone, apologize to the audience who now have to cut their dicks off in order to feel something. Second, if you're going to say something to the visually impaired, don't write it in tiny lettering THAT THEY PROBABLY CAN'T READ!!

Nostalgia Critic: There is no doubt about it: "The Simpsons" has defined a generation of humor. It was slick, it was clever, it was satirical, it had unforgettable characters, and it left its mark forever on television history. Clearly it was ahead of its time, and taken off the air far too early. And, if it was still on air today, I'm sure it would continue to inspire and challenge all of the masses out there— [Cut to a picture celebrating the show's twenty-third season] Goddammit, it's still on?! Yes, like most people, I really wish "The Simpsons" would just up and die so we can talk about what a great impact it had on comedy as opposed to asking why the hell they're beating a dead horse with another dead horse. But, either way, we still end up saying the exact same thing: wasn't "The Simpsons" funny? And the answer is "yes," yes it was. Despite the fact that they've more than overstayed their welcome, we still can't forget what an entertaining, quotable and hilarious impact the show has had on us. It's one of the most influential shows in that it helped form so many people's sense of humor. So many of us today get our delivery, our writing, our performing, and just our straight up sense of comedy from the genius that was "The Simpsons." But again I must ask: which ones had the biggest impact? Which ones were the most memorable, meaningful, or just downright funny? Well, let's travel back to Springfield... El-le-co-chusetts -- this is the Top 11 Best "Simpsons" episodes!

Nostalgia Critic: Now before I get to number one, I wanna point out that this is all opinion-based—

Off-screen Audience Member: We're gonna hate it, aren't we?

Nostalgia Critic: [Pauses before continuing] Everyone has their own different take on things and—

Off-screen Audience Member: It's a real bad one, isn't it?

Nostalgia Critic: [Pauses before continuing] What you might like I might not, what I may like you may not enjoy—

Graham Hess: Oh, that was quick, Caroline. I only called you folks two hours ago.

Officer Paski: Old Mrs. Kindelman twisted her ankle -- as she puts it -- diving for her life when a bunch of school kids rode down the sidewalk on skateboards. She went down to Thornton's store this mornin' and started spittin' on the new skateboards. Spittin'! By the time I got there, Mrs. Kindelman had sprayed the whole damn place!

Nostalgia Critic: [Impersonating the officer's folksy delivery] Forgive me. What I'm doin' is called "Tarantino-ing", where ya talk about something that has nothin' to do with the rest of the story, but is kinda funny and a little quirky. It was very avant-garde in its day and used to develop some strong character traits, but now it's just used as a cheap gimmick for pretentious screenwriters to draw a ton of attention to their writing style as opposed to serving the plot. By the way, I'm mostly pointless in this. I don't even draw my gun in this movie. Aliens attacking and I never draw my gun -- that is ass-shit.

Nostalgia Critic: So the family decides to hold down the fort -- you know, stay in the area where they absolutely know the aliens are -- and try to defend themselves.

Graham Hess: We're going to board up every window in this house.

Merrill Hess: How do we know boards will do anything?

Graham Hess: Because they seem to have trouble with pantry doors. [The Critic is seen with his hand to his forehead]

Nostalgia Critic: Really, Shyamalan? Did you read that line? Out loud? Did...did you ever read that line out loud? You couldn't have. You...you clearly couldn't have. I mean, you just stated that these technologically advanced aliens, these creatures that we're supposed to be afraid of, can NOT get through pantry doors. They can build space craft that can jump millions of miles across space, but... [The "pantry door" line is played again] They can take these exact same spacecrafts and turn them invisible, so that nobody else can find them, years above our technology, but... [The line is repeated] They're gonna take over our planet, but... [The line is repeated] They're going to wipe out ALL OF MANKIND, BUT...[The line is repeated again, and the Critic is then seen out of his chair, biting at his hat, and spinning around madly before facing the camera] You CAN'T be this STUPID! You CAN'T! I mean, you literally just stated out loud why this movie can't WORK!! I mean, what are you, a MORON?! I...I hate to borrow from a subpar comedy, but...take it, Scary Movie 3! [A clip from said movie is shown]

Tom Logan: They mastered space flight, but they can't get through a wooden door?

Nostalgia Critic: You see what you did there, movie?! You see what you did?! You just made Charlie Sheen right about something! You did that, movie! You did it! That's how bad you've gotten! This...advanced technologically, holy shitfuck race of aliens, stopped, come to a halt, by a fucking...pan...try......DOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!!!!!!!![As the Critic screams this, accompanying text and background pictures flash rapidly. He then pauses for breath, then resumes screaming, stops, then resumes again before finally fainting onto his desk]

[The aliens begin their attack on the boarded up farmhouse, but with the Critic's own dubbed voices and subtitles for what they're (presumably) saying to each other]

Alien #1: Let's hope they don't know we came millions of light-years without bringing any weapons.

Alien #2: And who's [sic] fault is that?

Alien #1: Bite me, frog ass!

Alien #2: Oh calm down, it's not like they have a large supply of...

Both Aliens: WOOD!

Alien #2: Goddammit!

Alien #1: Who would've thought a planet with so many trees would have wood?!?!

Alien #2: Fuck it, try the other entrance! They couldn't POSSIBLY have enough to block two...

Nostalgia Critic: What's next? SpongeBob racing in to watch The Last Airbender? [Cut to a theater playing that movie where the tops of the heads of Patrick, SpongeBob and Sandy are all visible in the foreground]

Nostalgia Critic: Not only that, it can make the stupidest and most ridiculous of scenarios suddenly seem unbelievable. [Cut to the Critic begrudgingly reading a passage from what turns out to be "Fifty Shades of Grey" out loud] "Christian squirts baby oil into his hand and then rubs my behind with careful tenderness"...? [He hears the signature cry of "Mortal Kombat!" with music and reads the next sentence with new gusto] "...FROM MAKE-UP REMOVER TO SOOTHING BALM FOR A SPANKED ASS, WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT IT WAS SUCH A VERSATILE LIQUID?!" AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Brentalfloss: Look, we're getting off topic! [Puts the book away] Critic, look, give us a sign if you can hear us!

Uncle Yo: It's no use, dude, he's gone too far. I think in a situation like this, he would've wanted us to go through his wallet.

Brentalfloss: Wait wait wait, look, maybe he can communicate with us. Critic, if you can hear us, blink. [Cut to the Critic's comatose expression, then back to the other two, then back to the Critic, then back to the other two before he's finally seen blinking and the two celebrate]

Uncle Yo: Do you know what this calls for?

Brentalfloss: What's that?

Uncle Yo: More "Fifty Shades of Grey"!

Brentalfloss: Alright! [Uncle Yo picks the book back up and opens it to them both] Okay, done that. [Yo turns the next page] Done that. [Yo turns the next page] Done that. [Yo turns the next page] Wanna do that.

Nostalgia Critic: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I hate to interrupt, but I hope you can all see me with this blue-screen effect which is somehow pointing in your direction!

80s Dan: But what are you talking about, 80s Doug?

[At the appearance of the film's villain, Mola Ram]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh no, it's the "Manos: Hands of Fate" guy! Hey, give some credit: that guy's phoney baloney nonsense is probably closer to a real religion than this one is.

[In response to the infamous heart-ripping sacrifice scene]

Nostalgia Critic: [Brief, stunned silence] JESUS CHRIST, MOVIE! I mean, I know the Indiana Jones movies can be crazy in their death scenes, but holy shit! This is like something a psycho would write! God, it's like how they fire journalists at Fox News...

Human Sacrifice: [Rapidly praying with the Critic's own "translation" onscreen below him] I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say Obama had a point! I won't tell Glen Beck to stop crying again. I swear I thought "Fair and Balanced" really WAS a joke.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, ya know, the scene in the original movie of Dorothy and her friends skipping down the Yellow Brick Road is just so iconic and amazing, but I've got this great idea about how to improve it: uh, why don't we film this scene three hundred feet away and point the camera at their FUCKING BACKS?! I don't need to see their FACES -- just their backs! That's right, no camera motion -- just hold it completely still.

Todd in the Shadows: In fact, what are we doing so close to this camera? [Gestures to their own camera being used for the review] Why don't we just move to that far corner? [The two of them face the entrance to their hotel room away from their camera] Now THIS is how you do a review!

Nostalgia Critic: Ya know what, actually? Let's see if we can get it even further away! [The screen showing the movie gets a little smaller and a little more distant from the viewer] Further! [It gets even smaller and more distant] Further! [It gets smaller and more distant still and switches to a clip from "Duck Amuck"]

Nostalgia Critic: Fuckin' remakes. Yeah, sometimes you get a good one, but for the most part they're entirely pointless. So what if it doesn't always follow the original subject material? When a film is good, it's friggin' good. If it's not broke, don't break it. Once in a while, you get one that sort of leaps through the cracks, but for the most part, they're entirely shit. Why am I on the subject of remakes? Because I'm here to talk about "Total Recall" -- the original -- NOT the crappy-ass remake that I haven't seen, but I'm sure is crappy! [The Critic is startled to be interrupted by someone else]

Nostalgia Critic: THAT'S THE WAY IT IS! THAT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE! THERE IS NO CHANGE! THERE IS NO FUTURE! THERE IS NO PAST! THE PRESENT IS A JOKE! EVERYTHING IS HELL! MY LIFE IS HELL! THIS IS THE WORST THING A HUMAN BEING COULD EVER GO THROUGH! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

[Following a prolonged, on-camera screaming fit]

Nostalgia Critic: So let's start. Uh, this is where I usually show a few clips from the trailer because I was too lazy to find any actual clips that are visually interesting for you, and I of course talk over it. I mean, what's the point in trying to change anything, right? I am where I am, nothing's going to make it any different. [Sighs] It's not like I can just go back in time and alert my young self of the hell that awaits him... [Suddenly, we cut to a younger version of the Critic with longer hair and acne in (what's presumably) his bedroom]

Young Nostalgia Critic: Alright, "Scooby-Doo: The Movie"! This is gonna be so clever and—DAAH!

Nostalgia Critic: DAAH! What the hell?!

Young Nostalgia Critic: Holy shit, it's like lookin' into the future!

Nostalgia Critic: Is that me from the past?

Young Nostalgia Critic: Oh hey, does the Internet ever become anything, or do we still just use it for porn? [Beat] It's porn, isn't it?

Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute, this doesn't make any sense. How am I able to talk to my younger self?

Young Nostalgia Critic: I dunno. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm about to watch the AWESOME "Scooby-Doo" movie! It's great because I remember "Scooby-Doo" existed, and this movie remembers that "Scooby-Doo" existed! So it's really tapping into my childhood... what's the word I'm looking for?

Nostalgia Critic: Nostalgia?

Young Nostalgia Critic: Nah, that's not it.

[On a scene depicting a caper from the original TV show]

Young Nostalgia Critic: Oh come on, it's clearly a satire of the original show, and that automatically makes it funny. Show me a satire of something which isn't automatically...

Nostalgia Critic: How bad could something like this possibly be? Something so adorable and lovable and cute and absolutely charming— [The text "One Viewing Later" appears onscreen, followed by the Critic's return with his hands covered in blood] My apologies to the neighbor's cat. It's just after seeing a film that was so... cat-killingly bad, I had no choice but to destroy the nearest living creature. I mean wow. Wow! God Jesus WOW! HEAVEN ABOVE SHIT FUCK WOW! I mean this is HORRENDOUS! I mean I could rip into this shit so much that (thinks a moment) THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO! THIS IS THE ODD, MENTALLY DERANGED LIFE! Of Timothy Green. (Beat, looks at hands) I'm sorry Waffles (chorus singing waffles)

Nostalgia Critic: The books, the movies, the all-around phenomenon, nothing generates more brainless love or cynical hate than "Twilight". But is it really worthy of as much cinematic disgust as it gets? OF COURSE IT IS! IT'S THE WORST CINEMATIC BURDEN NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO— [Quickly composes himself and resumes] What I'm getting at is people seem to regard this franchise about a drama-addicted twit torn between an emo-tastic vampire and an ice tray stomach werewolf as one of the worst in entertainment history, both cinematic and literary. And given the lineup of bad movies we've gotten over the years, is "Twilight" -- for lack of a better term -- deserving of that title? Well, let's get down to what people really hate about it: it messes with the classic lore, most famously vampires don't sparkle. People have made up their own rules about vampires before, but this one seems to be the most... not vampire. There's also plenty of plot holes and established story elements that never seem to truly add up, even within the silly additions they make to the supernatural rulebook. And while these additions are phenomenally stupid... I've seen "Garbage Pail Kids", so what else ya got?

Nostalgia Critic: Years ago, a disaster fell upon this nation, a horrible tragedy that left good people and their families scarred for life. And while many weren't there to witness it, this attack on the public left several poor souls confused and afraid. And I think we can all agree it's a bombing we will never forget, and will hold deep within our heart—OK, you know the punchline: it's "Pearl Harbor" the movie, not the actual event. [Title screen] Some of you may find it kind of cold of me to make a joke around that, but if Michael Bay can make up insulting shit about Pearl Harbor then so can I!

[In a callback to one of his oldest recurring jokes]

Nostalgia Critic: But meanwhile, our Japanese enemies plot their surprise attack, led by God on high treasure to the entire world and whatever parts of the universe are left undiscovered...Mako.

Nostalgia Critic: So I think in the end, it is a love story, and a damn good one, too. It just may take looking at it from a more adult standpoint as opposed to a young standpoint in order to figure that out. So it's a very strong possibility that Shakespeare did know what he was doing, and was still the master that we always thought he was before, and not even all the Claire Danes, Leonardo DiCaprios or Baz Luhrmanns of the world could diminish it. Though granted, it was a pretty good try.

Satan: You WHORE of no virtue! One more outbreak like this and I'll take away your artificial husband.

Kim: Actually, that's fine. I think the one you gave me is broken. [She looks at her phone, revealing a picture of Kanye West]

Satan: Well, no matter. It'll take something much more potent to get our little girl back to normal.

Kim: Like what?

Satan: Oh, I created something long ago, a children's film so frightening and so disturbed that no child could watch it without being scarred for life. Bring me... "Son of the Mask"! [He smiles while dramatic music is played]

Kim: I got rid of it.

Satan: [His voice suddenly high-pitched] WHAT?!

Kim: I thought it'd be too scary for her so I threw it into the human world.

Satan: Cerberus' nine balls! You threw it into the human world?! Mankind is not ready for something so depraved. God help the poor soul who comes across that nightmare of sadism!

Kim: Don't worry! I put it somewhere where nobody would look. [Cut to the Nostalgia Critic standing outside somewhere holding a DVD]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, if it's in a public garbage can, it must be worth reviewing. [Walks off]

Nostalgia Critic: I'm sorry, I'm sorry to bother you but you're like the only good and decent person I know of to talk to! I think my DVD is possessed!

Santa Christ: Ho ho ho, Critic, there are many bad DVDs in this world I can assure you, but it doesn't mean it is possessed!

Nostalgia Critic: Question: what the fuck was up with "Where the Wild Things Are"? The children's book about a boy who makes believe he goes to an island of monsters is celebrated by kids and families everywhere. So when the film was coming out with its dark, gritty look and helmed by acclaimed director Spike Jonez, people got excited as hell. And after it finally premiered, what did the public think? [Cut to a clip from "Clone High"]

Crowd: [Long, awkward pause] Huh.

Nostalgia Critic: It wasn't hated, but it wasn't loved, either. People just didn't know what to think of it. My opinion, personally? Not only do I think it was an incredible movie, but I think it's one of the best films to come out of the past few decades. Why? Because I think it best understands more than any other film the dramatic and potent mindset of a child's psychology.

Nostalgia Critic: Let's talk a little history. [People are overheard shouting in disapproval] SHUT UP! You gotta learn something! In 1862, Anna Leonowens was given the opportunity to teach the many wives and children of Mongkut, the King of Siam. She accepted, and later wrote a series of memoirs about her experience called "The English Governess at the Siamese Court." The memoirs were... controversial, to say the least, many saying she exaggerated or downright fabricated her influence on the King, and that she reduced a man who was a Buddhist monk for 27 years into a cruel, extreme, even violent monarch. Years later, Margaret Landon wrote a fictionalized or... even more fictionalized version called "Anna and the King of Siam", again reinforcing Anna as the revolutionary and Mongkut as the harsh, eccentric ruler. Thailand finally said "HEY!" [Switches to a deeper voice for the next sentences] We've had it up to here with your bullshit! We're going to write our own version for English readers which will later become "Mongkut: The King of Siam," and our writings will be placed in the Library of Congress for all you readers to see the truth. Maybe then, America will know the true history of our beloved King— [Cut to an image from the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical film] GODDAMMIT!"

The Grinch Narrator (voiced by Nostalgia Critic): [singing to the tune of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch"] You're a mean one, Kralahome. You have rats in your shadow. You dance as horribly as a drunk Ricky Ricardo, Kralahoooo-ome. [speaking] Thank God the person this is based on is dead and he has no estate to sue you, because if they could... [singing] They probably would!

Russell Crowe: I can't whistle.

Paul: Cut! Cut recording. Russell, what seems to be the problem?

Russell Crowe: I can't whistle, Paul.

Paul: Ah, that's okay, we'll just dub over in post.

Russell Crowe: [threatening] No-one dubs over me, Paul. We'll just rewrite the music so I can sing it easier.

Paul: I think that might be a little disrespectful to the original material.

Russell Crowe: All the critics praised me. They said they'd never heard anything like it. If Anne Hathaway didn't get the Academy Award, I'd be the one who won that Best Supporting Actress. Now rewrite the music before I punch you. Violently.

[In response to the film's decidedly kid-friendly ending]

Nostalgia Critic: You could make the argument that this is totally spitting in the face of history, but the other versions seemed to do that already. This is more a scrotum shaving of history: painful, insulting and not nearly short enough.

[On the tendency of early Disney princesses to be passive and submissive]

Nostalgia Critic: We mentioned Sleeping Beauty before, but Cinderella is often the biggest offender to the "sit back, do nothing and let someone else save the day" routine. Again, to her defense, she's workin' her ass off! I mean, like every second she's onscreen she's doing something, and in the end, she's rewarded for her hard work and kindness, even in the face of such nastiness. And if your argument is this is still not a good role model, that it won't inspire people to go out there and achieve, guess whose favorite fairy tale this was? [A "Ding!" sound is heard, accompanied by a picture of Walt Disney] Yup, the D-Man himself who supposedly started this whole controversy, Disney. He said Cinderella was his favorite because he often felt like her: working as hard as he could every day until destiny finally gave him a chance, and that hard work and kindness can result in a virtuous reward. But what does that arguably greatest businessman, creative genius and heart-warming icon know? Pfft! Slacker!

[In response to a character's assertion that her theory of catwomen was rejected because of "male academia"]

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, look... um, I'm not gonna act like there isn't some double standard bullshit going on in the world. Uh, women getting paid less than men? That's bullshit. Uh, men sleeping around with women being called a player, but a woman sleeps around with men, she's called a slut? That's bullshit. But when you go around with your "theories" that there are in fact "catwomen" who exist today, and have existed years in the past because the spirits of the Egyptian gods are in these little tiny felines going around who breathe on dead women, bringing them back to life -- a sort of "catwoman zombie," if you will -- who now exist and fight crime even to this day... why do you think nobody believed you again?

Ophelia: Male academia.

Nostalgia Critic: [Makes a buzzer sound] WRONG! IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY! [Hits his table like a cash register, causing a "FUCKING CRAZY!" sign to pop up in front of him] "Male academia"! Suck my sexist, women-bashing, chauvinistic, stripper-watching, porn-loving, overly paid dick! If this movie's all "women are power," how come in the next scene she's dressed like a poster a 13-year-old boy would hang over his bed and jerk off to?!

Voiceover: (when the women leave the counsellor to be eaten by a tiger) How will the counsellor get out of this one? Will he be the main course for our ferocious feline? Will he be ripped to shreds and left for tiger chow? (counsellor is shown just sitting up and walking away throwing his ropes aside) Will his body be gnawed until the gnawer can gnaw no more? Will he be next week's kitty litter? Will tiger digestion be his new iPod playlist? Will he have to spend the rest of his life as a kitty kebab? (he is now driving to a Subway snack bar) Can the counsellor stand being part of a g-g-g-r-reat balanced breakfast? Is there any escape from his delicious decadent doom? TUNE IN TOMORROW! Same Bat time, same... Bat... site!

How to Train Your Catwoman manual by Mark Gough: Try playing to the Catwoman's duality, it often wins them critical praise./A Catwoman can never resist a romantic dance sequence./If you are confronted by Halle Berry you are doomed for she clearly has no idea of what makes a good Catwoman.

Nostalgia Critic: This really was a rare person who changed more than even I think he's aware of, and it really really breaks my heart that he's gone. But what I do know is that what he has left us is a great education about movies -- about understanding movies, about the passion of loving movies -- and that's a greater education that I know I couldn't teach, I know so many other critics couldn't teach. But he found a way and he did it so unbelievably well and I can say very honestly so many people got it, we heard it and we loved it and we loved you, Roger Ebert. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and you will always be remembered.

Nostalgia Critic: I guess another reason it works for me is because I believe that, while truly great characters don't change over time, environments do, and if Looney Tunes still wants to speak to both an adult and a kid audience, the characters can stay the same, but it has to evolve with the rest of the world. Changes have to be made, and I think many of us know how most people react to change nowadays... [Cut to a clip of Doug throwing a tantrum on his back in another room]

Doug: I DON'T WANT CHANGE! I DON'T WANT CHANGE! EVERYTHING HAS TO STAY THE SAME!

Evilina: [singing while waving Princess Celestia doll] My Little Pony! I used to wonder what friendship could be. My Little--

Nostalgia Critic: [rips doll from her hands, throws it on the ground, and shoots it] We're not gonna turn this video into a brony message board, now SIT DOWN!

Evilina: [pouts and crosses her arms]

Nostalgia Critic: As you can see, I'm doing babysitting right now all because I said I'd do it for a certain someone because I owe a certain someone a certain favour. (phones somebody) Hello, Mr 'Zebub, are you done?

(we see Satan as played by Malcolm Ray, in Hell on his phone)

Satan: Almost... I am just wrapping up the plans for my next movie deal...! (triumphant smirk)

(back to the Critic)

The Nostalgia Critic: I said I'd sell my soul for a good Zod impersonation. (he sees Evilina smiling unnervingly at him) So, what do kids do nowadays?

Evilina: Well, you could read me a story.

Nostalgia Critic: OK. (gets out The Cat in the Hat book) This one's a classic. (reads)

We looked, and we saw him step in on the mat,We looked, and we saw him: the Cat in the Hat.

Evilina: Wait. Why does he look like a cat?

Nostalgia Critic: (confused) Because... he is a cat?

Evilina: No, he should be big, and scary, and ridiculous. And where's all the adult humour, and penis jokes, and sexual innuendos?

Nostalgia Critic: No, I got it! I know what this is! This is one of those fake trailers before Tropic Thunder. The one that looks real but is so goddamn stupid it couldn't possibly exist, except this one actually exists, and you should cry because of it.

[After a particularly confusing, nonsensical joke, the Critic leaves to go stand on a hilltop and watch a sunrise]

Nostalgia Critic: [Answering his phone] Hello?

Evilina: Hello Critic? Are you coming back?

Nostalgia Critic: [Sighs] I don't know, child, it's just... that last scene. What can somebody say to that?

Evilina: I dunno...

Nostalgia Critic: I mean, does it make any sense at all? Cat gets hit in the balls, he's in a dress... and on a swing...

Evilina: ...with a unicorn.

Nostalgia Critic: I have nothing for it, I have no jokes at all. Have I lost my mind, Evilina? Could it be that I've lost my touch in making fun of scenes like this? Could it be that "The Cat in the Hat" has broken me?

Evilina: I dunno, but my dad will kill you if he knows you left me alone instead of babysitting.

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll be back soon. [Evilina hangs up, the Critic leaves the hill and walks back home to sit down with her, claps her on the shoulder, and sighs reluctantly]

Nostalgia Critic: So after that scene...

[In response to Peter Soulless' statement that the source material is just "simple kid's books"]

Nostalgia Critic: They're not just simple kid's books! They're stories that we are continuing to read even today. They're stories that we remember years later, even when other stories fade from our memory. They're stories that we'll never forget; and for good reason! They're stories that helped to shape our childhoods, through well thought-out writing, imaginative drawings and endearing morals. And the idea of this shaping somebody's childhood, the fact that it even has the same name... just makes me sick to my stomach! Maybe these "simple kids books" are far more adult than you give them credit for! And I guarantee that'll show, when years later, both children and adults will still be reading these "simple kids books" while pandering bullshit like this disappears out of people's consciousness; also for good reason! Good art doesn't come from focus groups and statistics! It comes from people who share how they see things in their own unique way!

Nostalgia Critic: [carefully and deliberately while being scrutinized by fans on laptops] So I haven't done a Top 11 list in a while.... And so I thought I would do.....my Top 11 Favorite South Park Episodes.

Fans: [rant incoherently]

Nostalgia Critic: Shut up! SHUT UP! I'm just gonna tell you right now, straight-forward, there is a very strong chance that I will not have your favorite South Park episodes on this list! And you know what? Who can blame me? It's fucking South Park!

Nostalgia Critic: It's not the funniest episode. It's not the smartest episode. It's not even the best written episode. But it came at a time when America needed South Park. It had been 3 months since the previous South Park episode and in that time, not only did 9/11 happen, but a series of anthrax attacks that was being sent through the mail was putting the country in a state of absolute fear. Security tightened everywhere, our country was on the brink of war, America was changed forever. Nobody knew how or what to feel. So when the news that South Park was going to return to TV was announced, a lot of people were wondering 'what are they gonna do?' What could they do? Would it be a touching episode? An in-depth episode? What side would they pick? What issues were they going to tackle? What the hell was South Park going to do? Literally, the first frame set the mood......

[the boys are at the bus stop wearing gas masks]

Kyle: Remember when life used to be simple and cool?

Cartman: Not really.

Nostalgia Critic: This is what we needed. We needed a good laugh at the whole thing and we needed it to be done by South Park.

Nostalgia Critic: The need for their movie to put in references to other movies got so bad that they didn't even need to have anything in common with it. I shit you not: "Meet the Spartans" combines "300" and "Meet the Parents". What the fuck do those two things have in common?! Again, the zeitgeist must flow! Now there's nothing wrong with cashing in on the zeitgeist every once in a while, but when you make it your main focus and try to work it in to every single solitary thing you create, you get... [The logo for the the "TMZ" TV show is shown, to which the Critic silently flips off his camera]

Nostalgia Critic: [singing along to the film's soundtrack] Good luck getting

This theme song out of your head!

It will be in your brain for weeks

Or 'til you're dead!

Nostalgia Critic: (about Jeff Goldblum) But its alright. To account for that, they make the characters' motivations and identities disgustingly simple, even down to dressing them in Care Bear colours. Which one is Grant? He's the one in blue. Which one is Hammond? Oh, he's the one in white. Which is the a-hole who everyone will love until they realize he's always going to do that one note for the rest of his life so they'll have to dig their brains out with a fork because he's so goddamn irritating?

(Goldblum laughs)

The Nostalgia Critic: ...That's the darkly-dressed evil one known as Jeff Goldblum! (close-up of his mouth) SHOOT HIM! (Goldblum laughs) SHOOT HIM...! SHOOT HIM...! (A gun is shot at Goldblum but the bullets bounce off his laughing face) Yea... Goldblum, or, the Wizard of "Uh"s, as I like to call him, wasn't a complete unknown before this flick, but he became a household name after this flick and people fell in love with his performance. And at the time, it was kind of charming. People had never seen this kind of performance in a blockbuster film before.

The Nostalgia Critic: But once we discovered that he fell in love with his performance even more than we fell in love with his performance to a point where he never wanted to leave his performance, we do end up asking ourselves how the fuck did we ever like this performance to begin with!?!

Nostalgia Critic: But absolute power and evil can lead to absolute boredom and become way too one-note. That is, unless there's something there to balance it out. This brings us to our next commonly seen attraction to this character [A "Ding!" sound is heard as the following word appears onscreen]: the Whoobie. What's that? You don't know what a whoobie is? Oh come on, you noob! Come on, everybody knows what a whoobie is! Are you really so young to the Internet? Ha ha, I'm just gonna [He grabs a laptop from off-screen] type that in right now to confirm to you what it is word for word just so you can know specifically what it is... to confirm how stupid you are... [Stops typing] Ah! Here we go: a whoobie obviously is "a type of character who makes you feel extremely sorry for them." So there ya go! [Looks back at the screen] Hey, how come I'm in that trope...?

Nostalgia Critic: So, Kubrick's to blame for that ending? The Stanley Kubrick? The Shining, A Clockwork Orange, Paths of Glory? He's the one that put together that incredibly sappy ending? Wow. Maybe in the end, Kubrick was trying to make that Spielberg movie he never could, which ironically resulted in Spielberg making that Kubrick movie he never could. The film is so disjointed and all over the place, and clearly not one vision. But at the same time, bringing that vision to life, even though so many people were against it, just to make a close friend's dream come true. Maybe he (Spielberg) understood Kubrick better than we thought he did. Maybe he understood him better than any of us did. Maybe representing a person's work and representing a person himself are more similar than we realized.

[As the TMZ gang is at the computer, chanting "Please forget" over and over again]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, maybe the longing for dignity is the beginning of dignity. I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it... [looks back at the gang, then leans into the camera] ...and don't you forget!

Nostalgia Critic: (on the film's flatulence jokes) It's like for all the terrible humor going on in this movie, there's a fascinating journey of this one joke, and like the peaks and valleys it's taking in the evolution! That's actually kind of fascinating! Fart joke, how do you do it?

(Fart joke appears in human form)

Fart Joke: It is all part of the journey. I simply go wherever the golden path may take me.

Nostalgia Critic: Well I certainly look forward to what you discover next, Fart Joke.

Fart Joke: Peace be the humor.

Nostalgia Critic: Cool runnings to you too, Fart Joke.

Pistachio: I did not mean it, slapping dummy!

Dwarf:(dressed as Mario) I'll get you, Pistachio!

Nostalgia Critic:(relieved) OK, THERE we go! (haha - not quite, it shows Pistachio and the dwarf now sipping beer in a diner) FUCK!

Pistachio: Hey, what are you still doing here?

Nostalgia Critic: YOU TELL ME, ASSHOLE, you're the one still holding us hostage!

Pistachio: You just saw the movie, didn't you, so now I'm trying to talk? Alright, goodbye, heh heh.

Dwarf: Bye.

Nostalgia Critic: Alright, there we go - FUCK! (long pause) OK... is that it? Are we done now? Is that really it? Is it? OK?

(a dog suddenly talks)

Dog: No more...

(The Nostalgia Critic goes insane and screams loudly and wrathfully and runs into the next door Happy Madison production tower and then runs out. It blows up behind him.)

Nostalgia Critic: It probably goes without saying, but this is going to be very heavy on the spoilers, so if you haven't seen the movie yet, you probably should before going any further. Or, the shorter way of putting it-- [Intentionally cuts to another room]

Chester A. Bum: SPOILERS!

Nostalgia Critic: Next, I'll explain how Care Bears is related to our current economic downward spiral... or maybe I should just stop there?

Zordon: Crisis! Rita has escaped! Recruit a whiny Internet celebrity with attitude! [Cut to the Nostalgia Critic reviewing at his desk]

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it— [He's zapped away, screaming the whole time he's airborne before landing in a control room utterly confused at a spoof of the Power Rangers' theme song]

Chorus: Go Nostalgia Critic!

Nostalgia Critic: STOP IT! What's going on here? Why am I in the '60s version of the Batcave? [Turns around and sees Zordon] Oh, God!

Zordon: Greetings. I am Zordon, the big weird head!

Nostalgia Critic: Uh, I think your Skype connection needs a little work there, buddy, you're coming in all blurry. Let me fiddle with these knobs... [Static briefly replaces Zordon's head before his tube cuts to a clip from "The Wizard of Oz"]

The Wizard: I AM OZ!! [The Critic fiddles with the knobs again and there's static giving way to a clip from "The Empire Strikes Back"]

Emperor Palpatine's Hologram: There is a great disturbance in the Force— [The Critic fiddles with the knobs one more time and there's static giving way to a clip from "Ghostbusters II"]

Vigo: I, Vigo, the Scourge of Carpathia— [Zordon finally returns to his place in the tube]

Zordon: STOP IT! I have brought you here because Rita — our oldest and most embarrassing enemy — has returned. She wishes to foil the Power Rangers' 20th Anniversary!

Nostalgia Critic: What? Why?

Zordon: Because she's the most pathetic villain we've ever had, and resents the show for it, and she wants to see everything connected to the Power Rangers destroyed.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, what do you need me for? I'm just a critic/comedian. A... critic-ian.

Zordon: That's precisely why we need you. Rita has taken over every screen in the world and shown one of the Power Rangers' most despised projects!

Nostalgia Critic: It's not working, Zordon! He seems to be impervious to criticism! [Zordon's image appears through a watch communicator]

Zordon: Very well. You will have to use hand-to-hand combat. Fight him off with all your martial arts skills and maybe we won't have to use the giant robot.

Nostalgia Critic: Got it! Alright, Big Tall and Ugly! The time has come for you— [Quickly switches back to his normal voice] what giant robot?

Zordon: The ten-story high one that we only use as a last resort.

Nostalgia Critic: [Beat] This guy is like a foot taller than me, why don't I use the giant robot first?

Zordon: We can't.

Nostalgia Critic: Wwwhy?

Zordon: We just can't!

Nostalgia Critic: Wwwhy?

Zordon: It's not how we do things!

Nostalgia Critic: It's not how YOU do things.

Zordon: Just be honorable! Fight him man-to-man.

Nostalgia Critic: Right. Alright, evildoer! Now the time has come for me to send you into a world of— [Quickly switches back to his normal voice again] go giant robot! [A giant metal foot comes down from the sky and squashes the Movie Bomb monster]

Nostalgia Critic: You got a problem? Take it up with the flour tortilla that used to be your monster. And just to pour more salt in the wound, I'm gonna keep reviewing the movie. Think of it as a victory lap for those who know how to use their giant robots.

[On the tendency of many recent superhero movies to compare their protagonists to Jesus]

Nostalgia Critic: The way I see it, this either shows how similar superheroes are to Jesus — I guess to show how incredible they are in both power and humility — or how similar Jesus is to superheroes, that he had all this power and yet used it for peace and kindness. Either way, I don't see why we constantly have to see these similarities. I think we have enough variations on him already I don't know why these guys can't just rely on their own mythos. [Cuts to a clip from a home movie of a much younger Doug Walker] I used to have long hair, too, it doesn't mean you have to make a comparison between me and him. Though if he wore glasses, he would make a pretty awesome-looking hipster. [Shows a Photoshopped picture of Jesus wearing large black-rimmed glasses]

Nostalgia Critic: (on Gimli) Number 9: Gimli's Idiot Moments. So yeah, when making an adaptation as big as Lord of the Rings you can't go into quite as much detail as the books can, so I guess, some times, characters have to be simplified, that's understandable enough. But good God, what did you do to Gimli?

Gimli: Ar, it's the Dwarves who go swimming, with little hairy women!

Nostalgia Critic: At first, he started off OK, he was simple and emotional, but still had a sense of honour and dignity.

Gimli: (from Fellowship of the Ring) Let them come, there is one Dwarf yet in Moria, who still draws breath!

Nostalgia Critic: Yet, as the movies went on, he just got goofier and goofier. (Gimli belches) And goofier.

Gimli: (from Extended version) What do trees have to talk about, except the consistency of squirrel droppings!?!

Nostalgia Critic: And goofier. (Gimli passes out drunk) He went from being his own unique flavor of badass (Gimli is shown fighting Orcs) to just being silly comic relief!

Gimli: (at Helm's Deep) Could've picked a better spot.

Gimli: I cannot jump the distance, you'll have to toss me!

Gimli: (at Moria) Not the beard!

Nostalgia Critic: Even he seemed to realize his race only existed to get a chuckle out of the real heroes!

Gimli: (from Extended) It's true you don't see many Dwarf women... this has given rise to the belief, that there are no Dwarf women, and that Dwarves just spring out of holes in the ground! (Eowyn laughs hysterically)

Nostalgia Critic: Don't believe me? Just watch this scene and tell me if the punchline music doesn't write itself! (He plays Gimli falling off his horse with the Mwa-mwa-mwaaaaaa music playing) It's odd that we had to wait a whole prequel to see a dignified Dwarf character, and until then we only had Gimli as the representation of dignified Dwarfs. (Gimli belches)

Gimli: Salted pork?

Nostalgia Critic: Thank God he had his bad-ass moments in there too, because If not, this would've been a representation of Dwarf lack-face.

Nostalgia Critic: (on the ending) Even How It Should Have Ended had this in their version! (cut to the Eagles throwing the Ring into the volcano)

Nostalgia Critic: And don't get me wrong, I have nothing against them being gay, in fact it would have been cool if they'd been the first openly gay characters in fantasy.

Nostalgia Critic: (about Legolas) He seems perfect enough to take this War on his own!

Nostalgia Critic: You can see every wrinkle on his face! I know close-angle shots were meant to be impressive but how would you like it if I filmed all my conversations in close-up!?

(cut to Critic and Malcolm)

Nostalgia Critic: (speaking really close to camera) Hey, Malcolm, I heard they are getting a new judge for American Idol.

Malcolm: (also really close to camera) Yeah, I heard they are replacing that other judge too.

Nostalgia Critic: [on the opening] I guess the only downside is the obvious American additions, like this pointless Star Wars-style scroll. Yeah, 'cos that's what girls watching this show are really into: Star Wars! They go so hand in hand I'm surprised Lucas didn't release a more feminine version with Serena doing Darth Vader.

Darth Vader: Did you hear there's a new Sailor V video game out? I saw it on TV!

Imperial Commander: Lord Vader, the battle station plans are not aboard this ship.

Imperial Commander: An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting. No life forms were aboard.

Darth Vader: I can't believe this! [whining] Oh, what am I going to do? We can get ice cream!

Imperial Commander: Yes sir!

[after repeatedly pointing out the Sailor Scouts' ages] Nostalgia Critic: Now, before any of you find this incredibly creepy, let me make one thing perfectly clear: the age of consent in many parts of Japan is, in fact, thirteen years old. Now you may find it incredibly creepy. And yes, there's a lot of fine print to that law that evens it out a bit, but there's just as much fine print that evens it back into kinky territory again. For example, sex between thirteen to seventeen year olds can only be done with other thirteen to seventeen year olds.

Homer Simpson: That's good!

Nostalgia Critic: However, that's only sex. Groping, blow jobs, hand jobs and whatever else your perverted imagination can come up with is all perfectly legal.

Homer Simpson: That's bad.

Nostalgia Critic: However, they have cracked down on human trafficking, forced prostitution and other illegal acts endangering people in that age range.

Homer Simpson: That's good!

Nostalgia Critic: But that doesn't stop people creating kinky establishments like the Sexual Harassment Corporation where you pay to molest girls in school and business sets and is totally, 100% legal.

Homer Simpson: Can I go now?

Nostalgia Critic: All this talk about Sailor Moon being a sexy 14-year old pin-up is all leading up to one important question: Given this information, why did I still put her in the Top 11 Hottest Animated Women list? I DIDN'T KNOW! I SWEAR, I DIDN'T KNOW! I mean, look at the way they're drawn, man! I thought they were in college or at least late high school! Wouldn't you have made that guess? I mean, come on, look at the way they're showing them off! I swear, officer- I mean, audience, I had no idea of their real age!

[The young Nostalgia Critic is doing some homework when he gets distracted by Sailor Moon, which is on the television in the background]

Young Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God, this is awful. [He turns the television off.]

Young Nostalgia Critic's penis: Turn that back on.

Young Nostalgia Critic: Who said that?

Young Nostalgia Critic's penis: I did. [Young Nostalgia Critic looks down at his crotch and realises that his penis is talking.]

Young Nostalgia Critic: Penis?

Young Nostalgia Critic's penis: Yeah?

Young Nostalgia Critic: You can talk?

Young Nostalgia Critic's penis: All penises can talk around this age. It's the greatest secret no woman knows about, but wouldn't be in the least bit shocked to discover.

The animators of Tom and Jerry knew that the more you feel how solid they are, the more you feel the pain. The same can be said for the sounds they make. In the early days when they were still trying to find their niche, Tom and Jerry, and especially Tom, looked much more like real live animals and even sounded like real live animals. [clips of Tom/Jasper yowling in pain] Now that's not as funny because it's not as relateable. The only thing you think about when you hear that is a real live cat getting hurt. What sick fuck would enjoy that? But when you add a human yell to it.... [Tom emits his trademark scream] Suddenly, it's more funny. And yes, every single one of them is done by William Hanna. [montage of Tom's screams]

They knew just when to have them use their voices too, they were never overplayed, like some pieces of cockburger that I know. They were just used at the right time when the scene needed something particularly silly to up the humor. [Tom in a thick French accent says "I love you," to Spike unknowingly] This one especially gets me, just for the surrealness alone. ["Don't you believe it" scene from Mouse Trouble] Why that deeper voice? Why that major echo? Why those exact words? I don't know, it's just so strange you have to laugh at it.

Katara Voiceover: [box sets of the Avatar seasons appear in their order] Water. Earth. Fire. Long ago, the three seasons lived together in harmony. But then, everything changed when the Shyamalan attacked. [cut to the Nostalgia Critic on a mountain, in a tantrum] Only the Avid Jerk, master of ripping films apart, could restore balance. But when the world needed him most... [movie poster for The Last Airbender appears behind the critic] ...he vanished.

Past Nostalgia Critic: [turns to see the poster] Ohhh, fuck this noise!

[cut to the Nostalgia Critic's room, where two people resembling Katara and Sokka open the door to find the present Nostalgia Critic]

Katara Voiceover: Several years passed, and my brother and I discovered the new Avid Jerk. A reviewer named Nostalgia Critic. [Nostalgia Critic appears not to cooperate] And although his critiquing skills are great, he still has much to learn before he can save anything. [after the Nostalgia Critic tries to run from critiquing, Katara does some bending that sends him flying into a building] But I believe, Nostalgia Critic can save the franchise!

Nostalgia Critic: [remembering the show] Avatar is one of the greatest TV series of all time!

Chester A. Bum: [suddenly appears, also singing; points to a time on the bottom screen reading 3:30] Go to this part if you haven't seen the show yeeeet.

Nostalgia Critic:Four nations exist called Earth, Fire, Wind and Water / 'Til Fire decided things should get hotter / Invasion's aren't nice, but then to break the ice / Aang the Avatar rose to make them pay the price.

Katara: Katara and Sokka help him to keep in the know / Flying what looks like to be a white Neighbor Totoro / Chased by their foe, a young prince named Zuko / Don't ask him about his scar or Rufio.

Sokka: The Avatar masters the elements flawlessly / Toughest of Tophs made his blind eye so cautiously / Avatar state opens at a great rate / But Azula serves his arrowed ass on a plate.

Nostalgia Critic: Katara revives him and they sing their love song / But Zuko decides this emo shit's gone too long / He switches sides at the turn of the tide / And now Aang is on fire with his smoking guide.

Sokka: He's given the gift to depower the Fire Lord / Nation says "Whatever" Zuko can lead the horde / Go and live happily in a world that is free / Just remember that it's thanks to baldy.

Sokka, Katara & Nostalgia Critic: So that is the show and it's good that you know / Because it is the best as good cartoon shows go / So now that you've heard, go ahead, spread the word / That the best Avatar ain't that blue pussy turd. Now on with the review!

[getting put in a Fire Nation prison]

Nostalgia Critic: So they place them all in a prison of Earth-benders where- [sees the prison is just a camp near a canyon]WAIT A FUCK.THIS is the prison for Earth-benders?! I'm sorry! I'm really sorry, I know it gets really annoying every single time time I say "in the show" because it's an adaptation. Adaptations, you gotta make changes, I understand that, I really understand that, but....it's gotta be changes that make sense, guys! So...in the show...the prison is on a metal ship where no earth bending is possible, and thus it breaks their spirit because they can't get away! They are powerless to stop them! Here, THEY'RE FUCKING SURROUNDED BY THE STUFF! Aang makes a big speech about rising up and fighting back, were in the show, it's justified- and Katara, but still justified because there's a big risk, they have something to lose! Here, it's like saying "walk through a revolving door", there's nothing to be lost! It's like having an ice-cream bender at Baskin-Robbins and saying "How the hell am I gonna-" YOU'RE AN ICE-CREAM BENDER! USE YOUR FUCKING MIND!!!

Aang: It's time for you to stop doing this!

Nostalgia Critic: Sure enough, they do start fighting back, and it's about time, I wanna see some bad-ass Earth-bending effects brought to life by some state of the art effects-

[a group of Earth-benders begin stomping the group and proceed with very slow Earth-bending, managing only to lift a medium sized rock and hurling it at a Fire Nation soldier]

Nostalgia Critic: [silent for a brief period before removing his glasses and rubbing his face in frustration] Is that...really the extent of your imagination, Shyamalan? Is that really the wide range of possibilities that you could pull off with this scenario? Earth-bending. Earth-be- [knocks on table and bangs walls]] EARTH Bending! Taking the elements of Earth...the fucking planet! And bending it to your will! And this is the poor-ass piece of shit that you could come up with?! [puts glasses back on] Okay, let me give you a crash course or reminder as someone who has clearly seen the show what just one...ONE Earth-bender can do.

[clips from show play of various Earth-benders bending huge boulders, slabs of rock, and other formations to their will]

Nostalgia Critic: One. That was all one Earth-bender in every single one of those scenes. Now let's see what uh- one, two, three, four, five -FIVE... [Onscreen text reads "Six but who's counting?] Five of your shitty-ass Earth-benders from your piece of fuck film could accomplish!

Nostalgia Critic: Now, just as a friendly reminder, this is what five guys could do in that...other show you claim to be such a big fan of.

[clip of the show plays of Fire Nation tanks on the attack; five Earth-benders bend rock underneath the tank, launching it into the air in onto another tank]

Nostalgia Critic: THAT WAS A TANK!!! A FUCKING TANK!!! FIVE GUYS! TANK![stuttering] A-a-and WHAT DID YOUR PUSSIES DO AGAIN?! [clip shows of rock slowing in front of Earth-bender] Your version, theirs! [clips show respectfully] Your version. Theirs! Your-their-your-their-your-their-WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?! Have you no passion for possibility? Have you no understanding of this...barrel of Miyazaki that you could unleash with this creativity? I mean...WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, you...you...sucker of talent and good?! What is going on in your head?! Please! Contact me! Let me know, let me know what the flying fuck has caused you to become so uninspired, with this stuff that's practically gift-wrapped for you, and just said "MAKE ME INCREDIBLE! MAKE ME INCREDIBLE!"

Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, Commander Zhao I guess, is talking to this other guy who puckers his lips so much, I swear he's waiting to be kissed by him.

Commander Zhao: Our spies have discovered someone claiming to be the Avatar. They describe him as just a boy. We should set a trap for this person.

Nostalgia Critic: The Fire Lord was built up big time. Always kept in shadow until the final season. He was like the Dr. Claw of this show. And when he finally was revealed, he wasn't a monster or anything, but he was still intimidating. Even the picture Zuko stares at in the film looks like the original Fire Lord. [clip replays of the Fire Lord] But this? THIS?! This is the most common, non-threatening person you could put in this role! It's like they grabbed a guy at the grocery store and dressed him up as Biggus Dickus!

Biggus Dickus: (dubbing over Ozai) Hail Caesar!

[clips from Monty Python's Life of Brian play]

Nostalgia Critic: Hell, Biggus Dickus is more intimidating than him! He at least is played by an actor I know is dead! Which kind of has the ghost value. [beat] It's more intimidating than this!

Nostalgia Critic: By God, it's one of the few times I'm glad that the characters I love so much aren't real. Could you imagine them actually seeing how they would be represented in movie form? I'd fucking cringe!

[Clips of the movie play while the audience laughs in the background. The animated clips are from the episode "The Ember-Island Players"]

Movie Sokka: I saw how long the drag skids are. That shows you how fast they're going.

TV show Sokka: This is pathetic! My jokes are way funnier than this!

Movie Katara: The scroll we have is proving to be helpful. Aang was practicing.

TV show Katara: Well, that's just silly. I don't sound like that!

Movie Aang: I left a few days ago. You're lying!

TV show Aang: I don't do that! That's not what I'm like!

Movie Zuko: Who are you? What's your name!?

TV show Zuko: They made me look totally stiff and humorless!

[The TV show versions of the characters watch more clips of their movie counterparts, completely unamused. Eventually, they're walking away from the cinema where they saw the movie]

Nostalgia Critic: OHH! OH! OH! OH, NO, NO-- NO NO NO NO - (He gets up from his chair and runs to the other room, screaming NO over and over, before returning to his chair) OK, normally I wouldn't say that violence is the solution, but in this test I say definitely choose Answer F, for FUCK HIS ASS UP! (Jess punches the bully backwards into a bookshelf) Don't make him get out his cake decorating kit!

Nostalgia Critic: Alright, nothing like moving into a new place: Doing some heavy lifting, stretching the muscles, alright guys?

[cut to Malcolm and Rachel who're dumping a large box on the sofa]

Malcolm & Rachel:[sarcastically] Whee.

Nostalgia Critic:[picking his teeth in mirror] I can't believe I hadn't thought of this before! Why do I keep filming all my shots at the same place, when I have a perfectly good location waiting to be used!

Malcolm: But were we shooting it all at your house?

Rachel: Yes, to be honest it was pretty inconsistent where we were.

Nostalgia Critic: What's important is that we have this fantastic location (building rumbles) which is built on top of a perfectly harmless Indian burial ground which was rests below the hokey remains of a burned-down insane asylum for schizophrenic homicidal orphans! [cuts to Michael and Rachel looking shocked yet skeptical] And vampire puppies!

Rachel: He has been watching The Shining and he is going to go crazy just like Jack Nicholson does! We've got to go and stop him!

Malcolm: No! I'm not going! Haven't you seen what happens to that black guy in that film?

Rachel: No...?

Malcolm: What happens to all black guys in scary films?

Rachel: No.

Malcolm: Let's just say "it doesn't work out well."

(Danny is watching from the window as the ghosts begin to taunt him)

Ghosts: Danny... Danny... DANNY!

Danny: SHUT UP, do you hear me, just SHUT UP, leave me alone!

Wendy: (bursts in) Danny, look - its snowing!

The Nostalgia Critic: Oh wow its snowing its amazing tee hee ha de haar Satan and his demon army can wait its SNOWING! Oh my God, I can't take any more of this shit!

Malcolm:[repeated line] I want to try some amazing pumpkin tacos.

Jack: What are you talking about?

Danny: This place was bad. Everything bad that happened here is still here.

Nostalgia Critic: STOP TALKING ABOUT IT AND JUST SHOW US WHAT'S FUCKING SCARY!!!

Danny: But if we don't go soon, we might not be able to go at all.

(The screen starts to fade to black)

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, look! A commercial! I do hope they're still talking when they come back from it!

(After the break, we cut back to the kitchen where the conversation is still going!)

Nostalgia Critic: And they are! WHAT THE HELL?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?! The conversation was so long that it LITERALLY NEEDED A COMMERCIAL BREAK?!?!?!? Look, in books, I know stories are carried through a lot of dialogue and obviously a lot of words. That's the medium. But film is a visual medium! Show, don't tell! I mean, by God, imagine if Georges Méliès, instead of showing his Voyage to the Moon, just talked about it the whole time!

(Cut to a picture of Méliès that is captioned, "Georges Méliès Speaks of His Underwhelming Sounding Idea")

Georges Méliès: So they got in this very flat, strange looking device that kind of looked like a penis and launched it into the moon. Oh, the moon, by the way, has a face on it, and it actually hits the face in the eye. Ho, ho! This would be rather unbelievable if we were to see this visually, but... NAH!

(In a recreation of Kubrick's bar scene, the Critic exasperatedly goes to the bar)

The Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God I need a drink. God, I need a drink. I would sell my damn soul for just a shot of vodka. (Looks up at the previously empty bar) Oh hi. (Smiles manically) Pretty dead tonight, isn't it?

Dominic: Yes, indeed, Mr Critic. What'll it be?

Nostalgia Critic: [recurring line] Derob... DEROB!!!

The Nostalgia Critic: You know, Dominic, its funny, I didn't even think this place had any alcohol, or a bar.

Dominic: It doesn't. You're hallucinating and you've been drinking toilet water for the past hour.

(The Critic wakes up with a shock and sees himself sitting at the toilet, drinking up the water. He hurridely spits it out.)

Nostalgia Critic's Laptop: All talk and no scares makes miniseries dull shit. [repeat several times] You know, I could really go for some pumpkin tacos. Eh, fuck it. All talk and no scares makes miniseries dull shit... [repeat again]

Rachel: In the Kubrick version Jack was just scary from the start. But in this version he was a three-dimensional character who you could actually sympathize with.

Malcolm: I guess the idea of Stephen King doing something better than Kubrick has destroyed his mind!

[During a recreation of the Kubrick movie's closing scene featuring the Critic himself]

Nostalgia Critic: I don't care if it doesn't make any sense. At least it's scary!

Nostalgia Critic: If you're even remotely interested in seeing a film with a title as stupid as this, you're pretty much gonna get what you expect. It's lame, it's crazy, it's completely over-the-top. What else can you say? It's called Sharknado.

(We see the Critic entering an elevator. Inside are Santa Christ, Satan, and Rita Repulsa from Power Rangers)

Nostalgia Critic: This seems like a very colorful group of characters to randomly be on an elevator with.

(blackout)

Satan: Oh, grape nuts...

(power's back on)

Gort: (on intercom) This is Gort Varman, your elevator-

Santa Christ: Hi, Gort!

Gort: Uh, hi. Listen, your elevator seems to be stuck. You folks sit tight (DON'T PANIC flashes on a sign) and we'll have you out in a minute.

Rita Repulsa: [heavily overdubbed] Well, great! Now what do we do?

Nostalgia Critic: Anybody got any stories?

Rita: I do! It's about how I planned to take over the world by creating one monster at a time, instead of building an army of them, and how I was embarrassingly defeated by a martial arts version of Glee! And thats how I-

Nostalgia Critic: Santa Christ, you must have some interesting tales!

Santa Christ: Well, I did write a screenplay.

Satan:You wrote a screenplay?

Santa Christ: Yeah, I write every morning at Starbucks. Have to justify that rewards card somehow.

The Nostalgia Critic: So, we start off our film with a logo which reads Night Chronicles and then the number one, eh?

Santa Christ: Oh yeah, I remember this - this is the series of films Shaymalan was supposed to direct.

The Nostalgia Critic: Well, then why aren't there more?

(Santa Christ looks pissed)

Santa Christ: Because the first one was Devil!

Everybody: Ooooh!

The Nostalgia Critic: And because Shaymalan can never start a movie without some important-looking text; here's some important-looking text.

Movie text: Be watchful; be vigilant, because your adversary the Devil walks about as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.

The Nostalgia Critic: Ah, now this is especially essential, because, without it, we could never have come to the conclusion, that the Devil is bad!

Satan:That's how they see me? I need to make more Republicans!

(as the first few seconds of the film's opening credits, including an upside-down shot of a city, is shown)

The Nostalgia Critic: ...And of course there is only one reasonable explanation for all of this.

Ramirez: You have to consider... that one of those people... might be the Devil.

Nostalgia Critic: Really? Just like that, Devil? You're not leaving it open for more reasonable explanations; like the Great Pumpkin or the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Bowden: Is he for real?

Ramirez: Where I come from, we call it "the Devil's meeting."

The Nostalgia Critic: But that's nothing - what proof does he have that the Devil is near? Oh, turn up the volume for this one - maximize the frame, draw all of your attention to the screen! (He looks around) Get close, get closer. (He pulls in Santa Christ and Rita) Get close, get real close, this has to be seen and heard with the utmost clarity to be believed! OK MOVIE, what's your proof?

Lustig: What're you doing?

Ramirez: When he's near, toast lands jelly-side up!

Nostalgia Critic: The absolute proof to show that the Devil is near is taking some toast; putting jelly on it, then throwing it in the air to see if it lands jelly-side down! With all due respect, writers, creators of this movie - did you drink as a foetus? I don't know how you would accomplish that, but it's the only way I can comprehend something so stupid! Jelly-side down equals Devil - are you fucking kidding me? Is this a tested method? One that's really valuable? Is this the method the Vatican uses? Do religious leaders all come together to test the Devil's arrival with pastry goods?

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Ramirez: Check it out.

Maintenance: Oh, full house. Two queens, three jacks.

(there is a rather awkward pause in the audience)

Santa Christ: Who says that?

(as the people argue about who the killer is)

Satan: Well how do you know that I did it? You both have your own reasons, you could both be as guilty. Nostalgia Critic, you hate the Power Rangers!

Nostalgia Critic: Not enough to kill a cast member over it! Unless, it was Alpha.

Satan: And Santa Christ, you hunt monsters just for fun!

Santa Christ: I only do that on Thursdays!

(at the end of the film)

The Nostalgia Critic: And sure enough, the city is no longer upside down, but right side up.

Superman: I lost my parents in childhood, grew up a loner that no-one understood, and spent years brooding as an aimless drifter. But through the inspiring words of my father, I'll become a symbol, an icon, a savior to restore hope to those who have none...

Batman:(interrupting) Uh, you mean like Batman?

(Superman runs away)

Superman: I travelled the world, as a bearded outcast, to discover who I am.

Batman: Been there! Done that!

Superman: My friends only speak to me in exposition with encouraging words of how important and unique I am.

Batman: Been there! Done that!

Superman: If you ask me my life story I would tell it to you out of order and disjointed.

Batman: Been there! Done that!

Superman: I often have flashbacks out of nowhere about how important my destiny is.

Batman: Been there! Done that!

Superman: I wear a dark, tight costume...

Batman: Diiiiitto!

Superman: And a long flowing cape too...

Batman: I think we shop at the same store!

Superman: I have a wise father figure who isn't my father at all.

Batman:(standing with Alfred) Suck my balls!

Superman: I'm SUPERMAN, I'm the frigging Man of Steel, no-one can do what I can, I am the real deal, I'm the most unique superhero that the world's ever seen,

Batman: Except for me!

Superman: I'm mentally depressed, and psychologically tortured...

Batman: Not special!

Superman: I have stared into the vast empty void and come out scarred yet responsibly stronger.

Batman: Same.

Superman: I reflect, when I'm in my great dark empty fortress...

Batman:(points at Wayne Manor) Sounds familiar.

Superman: I try to save people but under my protection the civilian death toll has tripled.

Superman: I have a bland yet independent girlfriend who I still have to save most of the time.

Batman:(shows Rachel being blown up) YOU MEAN LIKE MINE? Listen up twerp, you can't be who I am, you're a speedy pretty boy and I'M THE FRIGGING BATMAN! The dark brooding loner is my thing you see, and Zack Snyder sure ain't gonna take that from me! I'm Batman, better than the Man of Steel! You should know who I am; I'm the OG real deal! I'm the most unique superhero that the world's ever seen, so don't steal my thing!

Superman: No I'm Superman...

Batman: BAAAAATMAAAAAAN!

Superman: ...I'm the friggin' Man of Steel, I do whatever I can, way more than the Batman will, to save the day, I'll do whatever I can, I've even (Zod's image is shown) KILLED A MAN!

Batman: Whoa-whoa-whoa, JESUS, GUY!

Nostalgia Critic: Superman gets him in a headlock, but Zod vows to make what he supposedly cares for most suffer.

Superman: Don't do this!

Nostalgia Critic: Even though there's about three or four different ways those people could probably get out of there.

Superman:Stop!!

Zod:[Nostalgia Critic voiceover] Uh, you have to admit, Supe, this isn't all me. These people are just kind of idiots. [actual voice clip] Never.

[Superman breaks Zod's neck]

Nostalgia Critic: Thus we get our biggest controversial moment in all of the movie: Superman breaks Zod's neck.

[Zod drops dead and Superman lets out an anguished scream]

Nostalgia Critic: Really? Nothing from you on that one, Joe? Oh. [pushes a button]

[Angry Joe pops up on the screen]

Angry Joe: ...and that's how I saved Christmas with a lightning gun! What was I talking about?

Nostalgia Critic: The controversial neckbreaking scene.

Angry Joe: Oh, you know, I'm not gonna lie. When I first saw that scene, I hated it. But the more you really think about it, this is a really bold choice. Because ultimately it lets Zod win. It plays again to a young and inexperienced Clark and how he knows his actions will have huge ramifications.

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, because having the city nuked didn't have enough ramifications.

Angry Joe: Point being it's a catalyst now for why he will never ever take another life. The fact that he had to do it to one of his own people, one of the last remaining Kryptonians. At that moment, he not only chooses to be human, but he makes the ultimate sacrifice for humanity. And he also makes himself forever alone.

Nostalgia Critic: I agree.

Angry Joe:Ha! I knew you'd say that--wait, what?

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah. Surprisingly, the most hated scene by so many fans actually didn't bother me that much. I mean, keep in mind, [clips from Superman II play] we saw Superman kill Zod in the second movie and no one had a heart attack over that. [back to the movie] And on top of that, even though it could've been illustrated better, I like the idea they were going for. That you won't always have answers to situations that are always ethically pleasing. It's actually a very difficult, very hard thing to come to grips with.

Nostalgia Critic: So here's a fun question. What's even more pathetic than having your cast full of unfunny and unlikeable characters? Having a serious death scene acted out by a cast full of unfunny and unlikeable characters! Yeah, they go that route. They actually give Davey a backstory involving his parents dying in a car accident. And of course, this is the reason he's such a jerk to everyone. Yeah, because a movie with shit-eating deer, three-breasted women and an extreme close-up on hairy white asses CLEARLY can segue so easily into heavy drama like this! But to make things worse, I mean the real fucking candle on the cake! Guess who tells the story?

Whitey:[speaking in a high-pitched voice, as he did throughout the movie] Unfortunately, this fairy tale doesn't have a happy ending.

Nostalgia Critic: That's right, the backwards squealing pig himself! Fucking Christ, they couldn't even keep him out of the emotional scenes!

Whitey: Turns out they were on their way to the ball game when a truck hit a patch of black ice and swerved into oncoming traffic. Mr. and Mrs. Stone tragically couldn't get out of the way in time. I couldn't believe something that horrible could happen...

Nostalgia Critic: Really, guys? Really? Are you really so stupid to think that the voice that only made you laugh when you were two years old, and drunk is the voice you want to deliver such heavy material? Why don't you just have Chris Tucker deliver the bad news while you're at it?

[cut to the Critic and Tucker]

Chris Tucker (portrayed by Malcolm Ray): O-Mi-God! Your parents are dead! One minute they're fine then BOOM! Gone! They blowed up! Gone in a fiery inferno! KABOOM! KFP: Kentucky Fried Parents! Crispy! Extra fried! O-Mi-God, they're gone, gone forever! Like me and Rush Hour 4! Except they didn't make it 'cause Jackie's like a fajillion years old now. But he can still kick my ass! O-Mi-God! Your parents are dead!

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, you know what would be more annoying than Whitey talking with that doornail-in-your-brain voice? Well, how about him singing in that doornail-in-your-brain voice?

Whitey: (singing)everyone in town will be looking there best!

Nostalgia Critic: (blood blows out of his ears.) And there went my eardrums! I should be sad, but I'm just happy I don't have to listen to Adam Sandler anymore!

[as clips from the cartoon "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" are shown]

The Grinch Narrator (voiced by Nostalgia Critic): And given the choice between the two of you, I'd choose the--uh... (picture of Davey in rage is shown) Oh, Hell no! I'm going with (cut back to the Grinch) the green guy! At least he didn't make (picture of cover of) "Jack and Jill." [singing] That movie was shit!

Nostalgia Critic: The credits start to roll and I'm blown out of my ass to discover that four people wrote this piece of shit! FOUR PEOPLE?! How the flying fuck do you think that process worked?! "Duhh, we make movie!" (bangs his head on the desk) "We make movie!" (does it again) "We make movie!" (does it yet again) "Duh, I write 'poop!'"

[cut to the Happy Madison audience, laughing at the poop jokes in the afterlife]

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, how about that? People may die, but stupidity's forever.

Nostalgia Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I have just seen the absolute worst holiday special that I have ever witnessed in my entire life!

Nostalgia Critic: So Mrs. Mavilda bets all the money she has on poker games with her friends, and the kids continue to suffer for it. She doesn't even let them feed the street dog named Licorice, as she tries to have the pound take him away.

[Licorice breaks loose and the other kids cheer for him. The Critic points a green arrow to one kid on the far right nodding his head like a weirdo]

Nostalgia Critic:[Laughs] What is up with this kid? The other children are at least clapping and cheering, but he's just rocking his head like a psychopath. [Imitates him] Play some heavy metal music over that! [Heavy Metal music starts up as the Critic starts rocking his head again and holds up his Devil horn hand] I LIKE DOGS!

Nostalgia Critic: So Judy's kids try to see if they can fit in with the other children.

[Lily turns around and the other kids smile at them... creepily. The Critic is disturbed by this]

Nostalgia Critic:[Squirming] Was that supposed to be charming them, or satanically hypnotizing them?

[The kids' smiles are repeated, but this time, their eyes glow red]

Nostalgia Critic: But their creepy ass smiles seem to win them over, and they start to know each other better.

Lily:[Sort of mumbling. These are the best lines I can make out] My teddy bear has only one arm, but my mom says Santa will bring a new arm for him.

Nostalgia Critic:[Struggling to understand] What?

Mayor: This year, I've collected more money for the children's Christmas. I've got enough money here to get the children new clothes. [Pause] And still some left for their Christmas...

Nostalgia Critic:[Smiles in disbelief] Did he just have a Vietnamflashback for a second?

Mayor: I've got enough money here to get the children new clothes. [Clip of a helicopter during his pause] And still some left for their Christmas presents. Here you go, Mrs. Mavilda. Here's the two bags.

Nostalgia Critic: My God! He didn't even give the amount, he just said "two bags"! I don't even think he measures the money in terms of numbers, I think he literally measures it in bag size!

[Scene of the Mayor and a cashier (Played by Rachael Tietz) at a Supermarket]

Nostalgia Critic: So it turns out Mrs. Mavilda bet all the money and lost it, meaning she can't get any new clothes.

Mrs. Mavilda: I want to tell you something, and you better listen! I don't want the children playing outside anymore! You better make sure of that!

Judy: Because you don't want the mayor to see them without new clothes!

Mrs. Mavilda: How can you dare to... ALRIGHT! And now that you know, you better make sure you don't tell him a thing, or you and your children are out in the cold! [Laughs, then suddenly has a straight face] Now you go get those children back inside…

Nostalgia Critic:[As Mrs. Mavilda] Before my brain gets taken over by another personality! [Laughs, then suddenly has a straight face]

[as Pappy and Lily are searching for the North Pole]

Nostalgia Critic: But they come across some troubles on their search, like Baloo from the Jungle Book.

[A bear, which does indeed look like Baloo, chases down Pappy and Lily]

Nostalgia Critic: So Cage, again, with no security whatsoever, wakes up from his coma, looks up the doctor, and of course, all the people involved, and forces them to give him the exact same operation. Meaning quite possibly one of the greatest combinations of all time: Overactor John Travolta now has to overact like overactor Nicolas Cage. Okay okay, just give me a minute! [prepares himself for the incoming ham] Okay, go.

Castor Troy:OOOOOEEE! You're good lookin'! See anything you like!!??? You're hot! Wow! Oh, did I saythat? I have got to go! Oh, sorry! You're gonna be in here for... [in na-na voice]THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS!! It's like looking in a mirror, only not.

(Humming, the Critic walks into his office, but turns around. Behind him is Tamara Chambers)

Nostalgia Critic: Hey.

Tamara: What, I'm Tamara, don't you remember me?

Nostalgia Critic: Hm, Tamara... (thinking) Oh, from the Catwoman review. Yeah, you were funny in that.

Tamara: Thank you.

(smiles at him awkwardly)

Nostalgia Critic: Well I find you disturbing due to your socially awkward silence.

Tamara: I see you have DVD of The Wicker Man in your possession. Do you know, that's my favourite movie?

Nostalgia Critic: I don't even know your last name, so why would I know that?

Tamara: Do you have the original, or the unrated version?

Nostalgia Critic: (holds it up) Um, unrated.

Tamara: Good.

Nostalgia Critic: Why...?

Tamara: No reason. Enjoy your review.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, thanks... I... (looks back and sees Tamara has vanished) Oh, that was weird... (looks around and then suddenly she appears again before him) Ah! FUCK! Can you go that way please? Jesus! (enters his office) What the Hell's going on around here? (he looks at his desk, Tamara's now sitting on the chair) Ah! Will you get out of here please? (turns behind him and sees Tamara standing there) Ah! Horrible velvet now piss off! (she's standing behind him) Get out of here, you little whack-a-mole! (he finally sits at his chair) As if this week couldn't get any more creepy; let's take a look at -NICOLAS CAGE MONTH! (the opening appears)

(during the opening scene, all of Channel Awesome's cast have their faces replaced by Nicolas Cage's)

Nicolas Cage: (voiceover) Nicolas Cage... you know, I actually have a confession to make. I am not actually Nicolas Cage. I am Nicolas Cage doing the impression of a narrator who sounds like Nicolas Cage. SHUT THE FUCK UP! Anyway, I am going to be starring in like twenty-six other movies this month. If they ever made a live-action Winnie the Pooh, I'd play Eeyore.

(titles end and the Critic appears again)

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it, so you don't have to. Let's talk about Neil LaBute. You might not recognize his name, but you might recognize his movies, like Lakeview Terrace, Nurse Betty, and, probably his most controversial, In the Company of Men. And, if you were like most movie-goers, this was probably your reaction to it. (shows Malcolm, Rob Walker and Jim Jarosz sitting there in the cinema with WTF looks on their faces) His films usually have a shocking, mean-spirited tone that many critics liked but most audiences didn't know how to accept.

Critic: And suddenly we are in... a kegger in Narnia. But instead of Aslan leading the crowd, its... (sees Lady Summerisle dressed up and bursts out laughing uncontrollably)

(running joke)

Critic: No trucks under 21 on this ship!

(Ed Malus sees Rowan and Sister Rose and runs over to her)

Sister Rose: What is it, what's wrong, sister?

(Ed punches her to the ground. Shocked, the Nostalgia Critic plays the scene again, then, in disbelief, he goes and ponders over a manual. Malcolm walks in.)

Malcolm: Hey, Critic, what you doing? Looking over memories?

Nostalgia Critic: No, Malcolm, I'm looking through all my bear jokes. (Malcolm sits beside him) I've made so many. See, there's Christopher Walken saying "It's not over yet, Bears!" He never says anything like that any more. And then there's Dark Heart from the Care Bears saying "Time for a game of disappearing bears!" He never says anything like that any more. (Malcolm laughs) Oh look, there's Charlton Heston saying "I WANT THAT BEAR!" And yet... here, Malcolm, in The Wicker Man, is the holy grail of all bear jokes. When Nicolas Cage, dressed as a bear, punches a woman while Kate Beahan looks on. So what should I do, Malcolm? (puts his head in his hands as if in agony) Maybe I ought to just skip the joke altogether.

Malcolm: Come on now, don't be like that! You've got to do it. Why don't you do all of them - that way the public can decide!

Malcolm: Well, that's what I'm here for! (The Nostalgia Critic leaves but then Tamara pops up from behind Malcolm's chair)

Tamara: Is it working?

Malcolm: Oh yes... everything is going according to plan! (They both smile evilly at the camera)

(Unaware of his friends' plot, the Critic sits back down in his desk)

The Nostalgia Critic: And so, the top eleven bear jokes associated with this scene: 11)Waka-waka, whore!10)Papa Bear says this bitch is too conscious!9)The Berenstain family says Hi!8)Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Winnie the Shut-the-fuck-up!7)The Bare Necessities would like you to get more acquainted with the ground...6)Gummi Bears, bouncing here and there and in your face!5)Sister Rose, meet Brother Bear!4)I hear you've been harnessing pic-a-nic baskets!3)Paddington told me we should meet face-to-face!2)Can't get enough of that Golden Crisp, its the golden crunch with the punch! And the number one bear joke to be made about this scene is... 1)Only you can not prevent your ass getting knocked out by Nicholas fucking Cage!

Nicolas Cage: Nicolas Cage... (his phone rings) Oh hello Joe, yes I'm doing a thing for the Nostalgia Critic. What, you mean I'm not getting paid? What do you mean I'm not getting paid? You're telling me I'm not getting paid for this? (he begins laughing manically and then he jumps right out a high window)

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. (long pause) I've heard there's worse ways to try and get Nicolas Cage into The Avengers! (Ghost Rider opening appears) I guess that Nicolas Cage always looks like his face is burning out of his skull at any point it seemed like an inevitable decision! Ghost Rider, based on the classic Marvel comics series, is arguably the fucking-coolest-looking thing since Bacon Roll Demon Slayer. THAT'S MINE! (slams a Copyright on his idea) So how could an idea as freaking awesome as this possibly go astray? Well, get in the writer of Daredevil and Elektra and Jack Frost is a good humping start. Yeah, the guy who makes something that's supposed to be adorable terrifying and something that's supposed to be terrifying adorable! We're in good fucking hands! Let's finish off Nicolas Cage month with - GHOST RIDER.

The Nostalgia Critic: So basically, the Devil in this world is... a pretty lame one.

Nostalgia Critic: (upon the revelation that the villain is called "Blackheart") Are you ready for this, because it's actually pretty funny!?

Blaze: What does this have to do with Blackheart?

Sam: Blackheart?

Nostalgia Critic: (bursts into laughter) OK, I am honestly convinced, that this was originally a Care Bears cartoon here! I mean, think about it, the silly shadow, the guy with the lantern, the fucking a-bowl, this is all stuff you'd see in a preschool Saturday morning line-up! AND NOW THE VILLAIN'S NAME IS BLACKHEART? FUCKING BLACKHEART? It's like calling your villain DARK BAD or MEAN POOP! I mean with all this talk of fallen angels and such, do you really think this part made it into The Bible? Do you think that was actually the Devil child's name?(he holds up a Bible) Well I don't want to step on anyone's toes so let's just take a look to be sure! (he opens it grinning but then fades into seriousness) Oh wow. Revelations 20-10!?

(this is displayed onscreen)

The Bible: And the Devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone along with his son tee-hee, ha ha ha... his son, pwfff, heckle heckle, I can't believe I'm saying this... his son Blackheart, plahahahah, OK guys, who's punking me? Then some other stuff happened that I'm sure means you're going to Hell, love God unless of course He's in an Old Testament mood (in which case fear the shit out of Him) and try your best to make sense of this book filled with inconsistencies. Also try not to use this book about teaching love to judge and hate, but what're the odds of thathappening?

Nostalgia Critic: So he goes back to Sam Elliot, who apparently has had the contract all along, but why the hell should he hand it over?

Johnny: He may have my soul, but he doesn't have my spirit.

Slade: Any man that's got the guts to sell his soul for love, got the power to change the world!

Nostalgia Critic: Fucking-A, this is My Little Pony fanfiction! Can't you just see an episode ending like that?!

[cuts to a clip of My Little Pony]

Fluttershy: Anyone who would give their soul for love, has the power to change the world! Isn't that right, Ghost Pony Rider?

[pans to a skeletal pony with a flaming mare, leather outfit, and a morning star tail, who gives a demonic roar]

Fluttershy: Right!

Blackheart: [demonic and dragging]My name is Leeeegioooon. For we are.......maaaaaanyyyyyyyyy...

Nostalgia Critic: [imitating Blackheart] And seeing how we are many, we all took a vote to see if we should talk normally, or stretch out our vooooowellllls....like DAAAAARK HEAAAAAARRRRT- [normally] Okay, I uh...[grabs a plastic jar labeled "Dark Heart Jar] need one of these. [puts a coin in jar]

The Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I am the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it, so you don't have to. And I am a ghost! Yes, I recently died while watching Ghost Dad. (Shows himself watching Crosby's annoying voice while the Critic incinerates himself} You'd have done the same thing too! But if there's one thing death has taught me, it's that that's no reason to stop working! Just keep going with your everyday life and comedic possibilities will fall in your lap!

(Malcolm is shown dressed as Gandalf, jumping up and down)

Malcolm: Sarsapilla my good friend hey!

Nostalgia Critic: Hey Malcolm when I'm doing my review can you do that outside?

Malcolm:Why am I doing this again?

Nostalgia Critic: I told you it's the only way you can keep seeing and hearing me as ghost!

Malcolm: But there's no rhyme (voice falters as if the stupidity of what he's saying has hit him) or... reason to it.

Nostalgia Critic: I don't know. It just is! Now get on with doing jumping jacks dressed as Gandalf the Gray while reciting the dialogue from The Big Lebowski backwarda! (He puts a coin in a jar)

Tamara Chambers: And why do I have to be dressed as sexy Dorothy while wearing a sombero? Is there even a sexy Dorothy costume? Who the Hell gets turned on by sexy Dorothy?

Nostalgia Critic: I didn't make up the nonsensical rules of the Afterlife, I just know that if you stop doing that, I'll disappear, the review will be over and both of you will be out of a job! Got it?

Tamara Chambers: This is a bunch of bullshit!

Nostalgia Critic: Uh, sexy Dorothy voice!

Tamara Chambers: Golly gee, Mr Critic, this is some bullshit!

Nostalgia Critic: It's a small price to pay to be in the world of the living. Now be off with you. The dead grieve in your presence.

Tamara Chambers: I'd sure like him better dead.

Nostalgia Critic: (As they leave) Sexy Dorothy voice...!

Tamara Chambers: I'd sure as like him better dead!

Nostalgia Critic: Yes there are a lot of crazy rules about the Afterlife we apparently didn't know about, but that was sort of a thing in movies for a while. Yes, the same way vampires and zombies have kind of been popular in Media recently, ghosts were really popular back in the 80s and 90s. Presumably starting with the popularity of Ghostbusters. After that blockbuster, every movie suddenly had a spook, spectre or ghost in it, all connecting with a bizarre Afterlife, a quirky haunting, or jjust about anything with comedic possibilities! Well another thing films from the 90s liked to do was to combine stuff. Yeah, because we clearly don't do that nowadays, of course. Enter Bill Crosby, who at the time had the number one spot on the Crosby show for years. He was clean, he was friendly, he was a good role model, and he made everybody laugh. THAT IS, ON TELEVISION. His movie career continued to tank with bomb after bomb as Hollywood seemed to be hinting that unless Crosby can pull off a decent film with the next one, they were gonna yank him as the star of the big screen and keep him as the main star of the little screen for the rest of his life! What followed was a movie career dangling over the edge knocked over by a spit-ball of deafening silence where there should be laughter. THIS is that spit-ball!

The Nostalgia Critic: Yes, because that's what the teen boy would say to the father of the girl he's about to get with - Put the bitch on the line!

The Nostalgia Critic: You know, this movie is so unpleasant and nasty and so uncomfortable, I really am wondering if it was meant to be a legitimate scary film! (He is doing a trailer for Ghost Dad as an actual horror film) What you are about to see is real. It has not been edited or enhanced in any way.

Bill Crosby: No honey, I'm just staying here -

The Nostalgia Critic: A chain of events that would never leave those who witnessed them the same, again.

Nostalgia Critic: I Just got back from watching "Frozen" tonight. Not a bad scene to be... seen. The music's so damn awesome, and it fit the film perfectly. I wonder if anyone online feels the same. (He clicks on YouTube) Holy shit they do! Actually it's... pretty goddamn insane. Wow! Look, it's all over on Youtube! Parody songs, and covers from singers, who knew? So many versions here to show Well gee, I got to know!

(Queen Elsa appears on the critic's computer)

Elsa: Let It Go videos All over the internet In your face, there's no escape It'll drill into your soul yet I don't care if you've heard it to death Let the song play on... This song is every damn singer's crystal meth.

Nostalgia Critic (Now annoyed): It's funny how this music can get so old so fast At first it was cute but now it's A pain in my frost bitten ass!

The Nostalgia Critic: Ah, why does Spring cleaning always have to happen after Winter? (he rummages through a box and picks up a mysterious disc) The Hell is this? (BAD HOME MOVIES is written on it) Oh my God...! I thought I'd got these destroyed after Wilsongate - just as well I have my evidence-destroying hammer! (He looks for it but when he reaches out the "White" Rabbit jumps up!)

(Critic screams endlessly)

Carrotjuice: Hey, I'm Carrotjuice. Don't be upset; this is the greatest day ever! Let's give each other gifts! (he nicks the disc) Yoink! Toodles!

The Nostalgia Critic: Hey...! COME BACK HERE, you evil Nesquik rabbit! (The Rabbit runs into a box and the Critic feels for him inside but then suddenly disappears into another dimension) AAAAAAAAAAAH!

(The Critic groggily wakes up to see a black-haired Alice Liddel standing over him in some sort of underground dungeon)

The Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God... the maid cafe of the Addams Family...

Malice: (extends a hand) Hello, I am Malice, are you quite alright?

The Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, actually - I was looking for-

Malice: A black rabbit?

The Nostalgia Critic: Yeah...

Malice: Carrying a hard drive?

The Nostalgia Critic: Yeah!

Malice: And you've escaped from the American McGee Institute hoping that if you bring him back it'll prove to the world that you're not a homicidal maniac?

The Nostalgia Critic: (disturbed) That's a hard no, but two out of three aren't bad. So, you seen him?

Malice: Oh yes, that way.

(Carrotjuice is prancing around like a maniac, giggling and laughing. He sprints off laughing in cartoon fashion. The Critic runs after him with Malice following.)

The Nostalgia Critic: Oh what the Hell's going on here?

(There is a tiny door in the way)

Malice: Here, drink this - it'll make you tolerant of overused cliches ten times smaller!

The Nostalgia Critic: Hey what the Hell are you... oh what the heck? (He drinks)

(Immediately he and Malice are tiny; the bottle falls down behind them. It is now gigantic.)

The Nostalgia Critic: Hey what is this - some sort of LSD Land?

Malice: You're not too far off actually!

(The Critic opens the door but is shocked at the landscape; it is pale gray with UFOs flying round and inhabitants of Halloween Town lounging about.)

The Nostalgia Critic: Oh Christ!

Malice: It's BurtonLand!

The Nostalgia Critic: (without any warning he just cuts to his review) We see a child Alice coping with nightmares.

Alice: I see creatures.

Mr Liddel: What kind of creatures?

Alice: There's a rabbit in a waistcoat, and a dormouse...

Mr Liddel: You're mad, bonkers, off your head - but I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are! (Alice smiles)

The Nostalgia Critic: (Victorian aristrocratic imitation) I think what this calls for is a good bleeding - this is what we do with anything n this time period!

The Nostalgia Critic: Alice, this whole time, thinks this is just a dream. (He plays clips of Alice saying its all a dream) You know, I think there's only so far that you can convince yourself it is all a dream before your other senses start to take effect! (He hits Malice hard on her head) It's OK, it's just a dream!

Malice: Oh!

The Nostalgia Critic: (hits her again) It's OK, it's all a dream! (He does this several more times before she pulls out her dagger.) See?

The Nostalgia Critic: (on the film's cliche of "prophecy") Why do these people just follow what is said "because the prophecy said it would happen?" I mean, what solid evidence does the prophecies have? Who writes these things anyway?

(Carrotjuice, disguised as Malcolm, is shown in an office)

Secretary: Sir, Wonderland is checking up on their prophecy!

Carrotjuice: I told them to check that weird calendar thing I made up.

Secretary: And Narnia?

Carrotjuice: Oh I dunno. A beaver shall lead the way for the Bedknobs and Broomsticks kids to the Lion King.

Secretary: Dune?

Carrotjuice: A Chosen One.

Secretary: Matrix?

Carrotjuice: A Chosen One.

Secretary: Phantom Menace?

Carrotjuice: A CHOSEN ONE!

Secretary: Jesus?

Carrotjuice: Um, let's just leave that open to intrepretation. I don't see anybody going too crazy for that one!

The Nostalgia Critic: Hey, is it me or does that guy look strangely familiar?

Carrotjuice: NOPE!

The Nostalgia Critic: Oh right - it must be one of them... (he notices Carrotjuice) HEY!

Tamara: Hey, Critic, heard you were going to review Foodfight! Good job with that, man. I reckon it was what the Nazis would have used had they run out of bullets.

(The second one is from Malcolm)

Malcolm: Hey Critic, are you sure you want to review Foodfight!? It was the movie that got the most negative rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

(A new voicemail)

Message: Hello Critic, this is the Irony Grocery Store, we were hoping to indulge your nervous breakdown by advertising a series of trigger products. Mr Clean, Mrs Butterworth, and Starkist Tuna are all on sale this week - Irony Grocery, a division of Commercial Entertainment!

(The Nostalgia Critic goes insane and starts cracking up the DVD and destroying it and several other brands associated with it, he plunges it all down the sink then whacks it on the floor and kneels down, crying)

Malcolm: Well, according to our research, Foodfight! is one of the worst, if not the worst, animated film of all time!

(Him and Tamara are in labcoats)

The Nostalgia Critic: Worst? Like worst worst?

Tamara: It only came out last year, but it seems to be gaining an underground following at a surprisingly rapid rate.

Malcolm: If our data serves correctly, this flop could be as popular as The Room and Birdemic combined! It could easily be the next big thing.

Tamara: Only a few critics have reviewed it so far, which means its potential can still be milked like a lactating Clarabelle cow.

The Nostalgia Critic: Wait a moment, so you're saying that if I jump on the bandwagon before it becomes a bandwagon I could be one of the frontrunners of the bandwagon?

Malcolm: Potentially.

(The Critic sees his face on the bill)

The Nostalgia Critic: Ka-ching! Well, if you'll excuse me folks, I'm off to review one of the most popular, bad films of all time.

Tamara: I wouldn't go so fast if I were you Critic, here's a video of the last person who tried to review this movie.

(She plays a footage of a bench with a body falling on it offscreen)

The Nostalgia Critic: Oh I'm sure he's fine. Keep checking those numbers, it's the least I can do for those brilliant intellectual minds I have decided to write for you all of a sudden.

(After a moment's silence of chewing their glasses, Tamara stars typing again) (Now we're back one hour later after the Critic has had his breakdown and is beginning the review after having seen Foodfight)

The Nostalgia Critic: ...Well it's hard to talk about this piece of shit without addressing its background!

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The Nostalgia Critic: Don't even give a reason. Just use it in this scene where they now physically exist in the store, again adding no continuity to how the fuck this world works, and just throw in whatever terrible, ungodly thing comes out of your head...

(Ask and you shall receive. We are treated with the sight of what look like Arnold-baby and Loki-baby's lovechild. However, that pales in comparison to the mother, who is like a modern day equivalent of Medusa. Scary music plays as the critic starts to freak out)

The Nostalgia Critic: WHAT?!? WHAT?!? WHAT?!? WHAT?!? WHAT?!? WHAT?!? WHAT?!? WHAT?!?WHAAAAT?!? (We see the scene continue as Dex and Dan are chased around the scary lady and her equally scary baby) Oh my god, I get it! I totally get it now! This movie is punishment for me to repent all the terrible things I've done in my life! All right! If it will stop you from scaring the living animal Jesus out of me, I'll confess! I'LL CONFESS!!! I was the one who cancelled Firefly! I was the one who encouraged Fred to be an online series! I was the one who told Taco Bell to make a breakfast menu! I was the one who told John Travolta how to pronounceIdina Menzel! I'm the one getting rid of the cartoons on Cartoon Network!JUST TAKE ME OUT OF THIS SCENE!!!!!!!!

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Lady X: Run while you can, Ace Dogtective! For soon, I'll have you sitting up and begging for mercy! (Lifts one leg onto the railing in front of her) Excabites, fly! (The flying mite creatures appear to fly out of where the sun doesn't shine. At first the critic is confused, but then rolls with it.)

The Nostalgia Critic: LAUNCH OUT OF MY VAG! There's enough fetish fuel in this movie for everybody!

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The Nostalgia Critic: You know what just hit me? This is the movie that drove Charlie Sheen insane. I mean really think about it. The timelines add up. (Clips of the Charlie Sheen interview as well as Foodfight! are shown, along with the caption "The Sheen Interview: Claims Foodfight replaced his brain with 'cancer pizza' ") He constantly had to be called back for redos, and if you had to return to this for ten fucking years in a row, wouldn't it kind of make sense that you would start talking like this?

Charlie Sheen: It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children.

The Nostalgia Critic: (repeated joke about the film's villain) ...But little do they know that Rothbart... sounds like the sound you make in between a cough and belch. (He belches) Roth... (coughs) Bart!

The Nostalgia Critic: Rothbart has kidnapped Odette and has taken her away to the most horrible, devastating... prettiest lair money can buy! WHY THE FUCK DOES HE WANT HER FATHER'S KINGDOM? He's living in a resort by Thomas Kindale!

Rothbart: Now don't let my little spell make you sad, Odette, it doesn't even last the whole day!

The Nostalgia Critic: So he turns her into a swan, but apparently only the moonlight shining on the lake can turn her back into normal, he also reveals the confession of one's true love is the only thing that'll stop the transformation.

Rothbart: What I really want is your father's kingdom.

Odette: Take it, then, you have enough power.

Rothbart: If you want to really steal something, you spend your whole life fighting for it... If I marry the only true heir to your father's kingdom, we will rule the kingdom together!

Odette: NEVER!

Rothbart: Where're you going? As soon as moonlight leaves the lake, you'll turn back into a swan.

(The Critic plays a little game he calls EVERYTHING WRONG WITH THIS PLAN IN UNDER FORTY SECONDS. GO!)

Nostalgia Critic: GO!

Malcolm: If she did agree, what's to stop her changing her mind when the spell is broken?

Tamara: If Odette is a swan, what's to stop her flying away and writing a message to someone in the sand?

Nostalgia Critic: If she does agree, why doesn't he just hypnotize her to say yes?

Malcolm: The only way to break the spell is a person confessing their love, why? Seems counter-productive to the plan.

Tamara: What's to stop her from sneaking up behind him in human form and knocking the fucker out?

Nostalgia Critic: Is there really no law against marrying banished people? Sounds like a no-brainer.

Malcolm: He disappears in the day doing nothing; why doesn't he just do something?

Tamara: Couldn't he threaten someone she loves to force her to marry him? Doesn't seem like she has much of an incentive.

Nostalgia Critic: If he can change anyone into anything, why doesn't he change anyone into anything? He could make himself look like the king... he could make someone else look like Odette... (which Rothbart actually does later on) There's a million ways around this... (timer runs out) Oh that's it. But thank you guys for being so helpful, back in the closet with you.

(at the end of the review)

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, I love Dr Seuss!

Tamara: No, Critic, this is Zero Seuss Soda, it has nothing to do with the original Dr Seuss!

Nostalgia Critic: ...While it's not as bad as The Grinch or The Cat in the Hat, and the animation style is colourful and leads towards Dr Suess' world better than live-action, The Lorax still sucks, in creating the spirit of Dr Seuss. Instead of being poetic, it panders towards the mainstream. Instead of having it speak to everyone, it panders to extremes that alienate the truth of the story. And instead of it being dark and subtle, it knocks you on the head with its message, ironically making it far less memorable. People ain't going to be coming back because you give them nothing that shows you respect them as thinking people. You simplified it, made it easy, so that people don't find it fun any more. I don't care how many movies you make, how popular they are for the moment, or how often you keep missing the spirit of these great stories, because no matter what you do, people are always going to be returning to the books of Dr Seuss. (He shows Chester A Bum reading The Lorax) Not only because they remember them, but because they're worth remembering.

Analyst 1: Critic, that's exactly what I wanted to hear!

Analyst 2: What?

(Analyst 1 turns into a black version of Willy Wonka)

Analyst 2: Ugh!

Nostalgia Critic: BLACK WILLY WONKA?

Wonka: That's right, it was me all along!

Analyst 2: This wasn't in your resume.

Wonka: Look - a popular demographic you can analyze!

Analyst 2: Charts! I got charts! (he runs out)

Wonka: Come with me, Critic. This is my Black Wonkavator!

Nostalgia Critic: Wow - does it go any way possible?

Wonka: Yes, every button goes a different direction, and I pressed them all, save this one!

Nostalgia Critic: What direction does that go?

Wonka: UP.

(He presses that button, and the Wonkavator launches into the air)

Nostalgia Critic: (sees some people reading down below) Hey, aren't those the people who saw the movie?

Wonka: Sure are.

Nostalgia Critic: But how come they're reading, I thought they were done with The Lorax?

Wonka: Well you see Critic, that was part of my ultimate plan.

Nostalgia Critic: It was?

Wonka: Yes, you were right about Suess. His books will last forever. So what better way to remind people of his power than always showing them films that completely fucks them up?

Nostalgia Critic: So... The Grinch, The Cat in the Hat... they were all purposefully horrible and dated?

Wonka: They needed to be popular, so that everybody would see them, but they also needed to be horrible so thaty people would go back to remembering how good the original stories were. True beauty never fades, you just need to be reminded of it every once in a while.

Nostalgia Critic: (excited) So, for discovering this, I get to keep making all your secrets as well as a lifetime of happiness?

Wonka: No, you get a button. (He throws a button which says I'm a Smartie at the Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: Right, thanks.

Wonka: But Critic, don't forget what happened to the man who always got everything he wanted.

Nostalgia Critic: What happened!?!

Wonka: (completely deadpan) I killed him, and stole all of his possessions!

Hyper Fangirl: Now, with this one, you KNOW you have to give this point to Tobey Maguire. He's the perfect geeky, awkward teen from the original comics.

Nostalgia Critic: Really? Because I thought Andrew Garfield best played the confidant, jokey, smart-ass superhero from the original comics.

[Both stop to think for a moment]

Nostalgia Critic: So maybe neither of them played Spider-Man completely.

Nostalgia Critic: NAME ONE GOOD THING ABOUT MARY JANE!!!

Hyper Fangirl: Um...she has pretty hair?

Nostalgia Critic: Mary Jane sucks!

Hyper Fangirl: Okay, yeah, she kind of does.

Nostalgia Critic: Now it's pretty obvious that anyone who can take a story about a kid being stricken with super spider-powers seriously, deserves a lot of credit. And both these films take very different approaches.

Hyper Fangirl: The original looks at it more from a comic book point of view, over the top action, funky camera angles, and mad scientist stories.

Nostalgia Critic: Sadly, the dialogue was just as corny too, where the new version tries to tackle the story more like a movie, with more realistic characters, a grittier tone, and a spy-thriller edge.

Hyper Fangirl: But if it's being based on a comic book, wouldn't you want it to be more like a comic?

Nostalgia Critic: But if you're turning it into a movie, wouldn't you want it to be more like a movie?

The Nostalgia Critic:[running gag] You got no plot; you got no comedy; you don't even have the other Blues Brother. Unless you have (something entertaining to offer), count me the fuck out of this.

The Nostalgia Critic: This is Hollywood Boulevard Theater. It's a good place where you can get alcohol while watching your movies, but do you notice what's on top of there? [cut to the theater's roof] The BluesMobile, and not just the BluesMobile; a statue of one of the Blues Brothers, Dan Aykroyd. They put a fucking car on top of the movie theater! And you wanna know why? Because the movie means that much to them! It means that much to Chicago! It's an incredible film! The music, the action, the comedy, the writing, it's so fucking unbelievable! After they made a goddamn statue out of you, Dan Aykroyd, just make this insult, this fucking insult to this goddamn classic masterpiece, I'm sorry, it's despicable! It's fucking despicable! That's what the Blues Brothers means! That's what they're all about, and for this movie to not even try, not even fucking try to acknowledge what the hell they are, what the hell they meant, is just BULLSHIT!

The Nostalgia Critic: Movie, I'm not angry. Well, I am. I'm furious, but there's something I'm even more, and that's disappointed. I'm disappointed in you, movie. The same people that brought us a comedy classic, an icon, something they make statues of, has 18 years to put together a follow-up, and this is what we get. May God rape you with a pickup truck. Slowly. With vengeance.

(Opening, the Nostalgia Critic is sleeping, then he suddenly sees Rob Walker as the Velociraptor meme.)

Critic: Woah!

Rob Walker: Woah, what the Hell?

Critic: Oh, sorry I just had a night-meme.

Rob Walker: A what?

Critic: Oh, you know one of those things you swear you're never going to do but it keeps working its way into your subconscious and keeps popping up. (Sees the movie disc of Jurassic Park 3') That's... yet to come. Hello, I am the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS AN AWESOME FUCKING MOVIE CALLED JURASSIC PARK! Then, it gave birth to a shitty sequel called The Lost World. And then it gave birth to the lost cause, Jurassic Park III! This is the one that many people consider to be the absolute worst of the series.

(another meme)

Velociraptor: Alan?

Nostalgia Critic: Dude, i'm telling you - it's not scary!

Velociraptor: Alan?

Nostalgia Critic: Dude, realy, it's not happening!

Velociraptor: Alan?

Nostalgia Critic: That's it. I'm out of here! (Velociraptor greets him at door)

Velociraptor: Alan?

Nostalgia Critic: Will you piss off?!

Tamara: Hey, Critic, I have a slight pain in my stomach. Could you check it out?

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, sure.

(Critic looks, a Velociraptor comes out)

Velociraptor: Alan?

Nostalgia Critic: Dammit! Will you get lost?

(a Velociraptor-fly is in his ear)

Fly: Alan?

(The Critic throws it away and his phone rings.)

Critic: HELLO?

Funeral director: Hello, is this the Nostalgia Critic?

Nostalgia Critic: Yes.

Funeral director: This is the Saint Joseph hospital. I regret to inform you that your mother has passed away.

Nostalgia Critic: What?

Funeral director: Yes. She died last night in her sleep.

Nostalgia Critic: God, I didn't even know she was sick!

Funeral director: She knew how busy you are and didn't wanted to interrupt your work.

Nostalgia Critic: Jesus.

Funeral director: She put up a good fight. But in the end we couldn't do anything. I'm sorry son.

[In the very intro, we see Will's Smith, portrayed by Malcolm Ray, dressed as Cypher Raige and giving his monotone monologue]

Will Smith: Fear is not real. The only place where fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not, at present, or may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me, the danger is very real. Fear... is a choice.

[Kneeling, before him, is Jaden Smith, watching it all.]

Jaden: Well, dad, can't I choose not to be in a Shyamalan movie?

Will Smith:DENIED! Now get your stupid space suit on, Jaden!

Jaden: [Getting up, dragging his said stupid space suit] Oh, this is like being in Karate Kid with no Karate in...

Will Smith:I heard that!

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Today we take a look at- [Title Card rolls]GAH![Gets disgusted and in despair, slamming] No! No, NO, no, no, no! [Sobs in anguish] God, no, uh, no, not that one! Oh, come on, you gotta- Stupid![Degrades in gibberish until he freaks out and collapses on the table. Then he gets up, apparently normal.] So let's take a look. Something important to keep in mind this time around is that, unlike his other movies, Shyamalan is not entirely to blame for this one. Will Smith's son Jaden was something of a rising star, so, to cement his status, Will took it upon himself to write a story starring his son that would hopefully lead to a sci-fi franchise. There was just one problem.

Kitai Raige: That sucked.

Cypher Raige: That is correct.

Nostalgia Critic:Oh, it sucked, alright. It was reported that this film starred out as number one on opening date, but word had spread so fast that it slid down a slot on the next day, and was so bad that slid down the next slot the next! Yup, the film was so bad, that the public felt a civic duty to alert as many people as quick as possible about it's horribleness. But, like I said, even though the movie has Shyamalan's seal of horrendousness, you can't ignore the ego handjob that the Smith family is obviously giving itself.

[Introducing Will Smith's character, in the middle of a battle.]

Kitai Raige: And that answer came in the form of Ground Commander Cypher Raige.

Nostalgia Critic:[Snickers, almost falling in laughter.] I'm sorry, what was that totally run-of-the-mill average name, again?

Nostalgia Critic:[After Raige's monotone war story] God, I am so sick of the Shyamalan speak! The slow talking, the blank stare, the fact that nobody ever uses any goddamn contractions... [Several scenes with that specific case are repeated] Now, why are you afraid of the apostrophe? [Points to it] What did the apostrophe ever do to you!? Did the apostrophe kill your family!? [Shows the edited Bruce Wayne's family death scene from Batman Begins, with the apostrophe in it] Did the apostrophe had you co-sign on a loan that you knew you couldn't pay back!? [Shows the said scene] Tell me, Shaymalan! Tell me, so I can finally start fucking understanding this stupid dumbass shit you put in your movies! [Hysterically angry]GOD, IT'S SO TERRIBLE!

[The Critic rests his head on the table before Will Smith appears.]

Will Smith: Cadet, you will get through this movie!

Nostalgia Critic: I'm trying, Will Smith, but you just chose the dumbest ass director that you could for this project! God, help me get through this!

Will Smith: It's alright, Cadet. I know the stories of young adult books for five year-olds. I know it's directed by the most egocentric flop since Brett Ratner. But you will get through this movie.

Nostalgia Critic: But it's so hard, Will Smith, you just made it so stupid!

Will Smith: Alright. Take a knee.

[The Critic does what he's told, but he hits the table.]

Will Smith: You can run. You'll live, at least for a while. And die on your bed, many years later. But would you be willing to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell your enemies that they may take our lives-

Nostalgia Critic:[Realizing] That's Braveheart.

Will Smith: What?

Nostalgia Critic: Braveheart, you're quoting Braveheart!

Will Smith:[Pauses for a while] The nightest dark is just before the dawn-

Nostalgia Critic: That's The Dark Knight.

Will Smith: Do or do not.

Nostalgia Critic: That's Star Wars.

Will Smith: Do unto others-

Nostalgia Critic: That's the Bible.

Will Smith: Do Wah Diddy-

Nostalgia Critic: That's gibberish.

Will Smith: Two plus two-

Nostalgia Critic: That's basic math, you have nothing original to offer, do you!? You are every wise, tough mentor that has ever existed in anything, ever, aren't you?

Will Smith: How about this one: Two eggs, a cup of sugar, a half-cup of butter-

Nostalgia Critic:That's a recipe for cake!

Will Smith: Well, yeah, I got nothing.

Nostalgia Critic: Leave the story to the story-tellers.

Will Smith: Wait, I've got two other kids to promote!

Nostalgia Critic:[Shuts Will Smith down and turns to Rob Walker] Nepotism...

Linkara:[after Rayne's arm is placed into a barrel of ordinary water, burning it] Wait a minute, was that holy water?

Nostalgia Critic: Nope.

Linkara: Then how the hell did it burn her?!

Nostalgia Critic: Ohoho, Linkara! This is the Stephanie Meyer age of vampires! You can make up anything! If you wanna say water hurts them even though it's not blessed, it's okay now!

Spoony: Yeah, if you wanna say they in no way can fly, turn into bats or do most of the cool things vampires can do, that's okay now, too!

Linkara: Oh, I see. And if people travel for miles to see one as an attraction, [cut to clip of Sebastian killing a vampire in a crowded bar] yet nobody turns their head when one is stabbed and violently decomposes in front of their eyes...

Nostalgia Critic and Spoony: ...it's totally okay!

Linkara: Now I know! And knowing makes it even more confusing!

[Cut to a confused NC, Linkara, and Spoony as a singer shouts Uwe Boll's name to the tune of the G.I. Joe theme song]

Spoony: So this is when Michael Madsen does the weakest and stupidest attempt at the "guard sick man" routine I've ever seen in my life.

Spoony: So the guy just walks in there looking for the "magic disappearing prisoner" and of course he gets knocked out. This delivery is so bad I can't even tell if it's done intentionally badly or not. It's amazing. How could anyone possibly believe a lie so poorly delivered?

Nostalgia Critic: The film opens with a home security salesman named James, played by Ethan Hawke, driving home on the day of the Purge, noticing quite an unrealistic amount of people still in thir neighborhood.

James: Getting one last walk in before lockdown, eh?

Neighbor: Yeah.

James: Did you do the system check I recommended?

Neighbor: Of course, no problems.

Nostalgia Critic: Uhh, if I knew crime was gonna be legal in 24 hours, I'd probably tell my family, "Hey gang, how about that vacation to Canada? Just one of those friendly weekend visits to the Ned Flanders of North America." Though the more I think about it, they may not be the safest place either.

Emergency Broadcast System: This is not a test. Weapons of class four and lower have been authorized for use during the purge. Police, fire, and emergncy medical services will be unavailable until tomorrow morning at 7 AM. Blessed be our new fouding fathers, and America; a nation reborn.

Nostalgia Critic: Pfft. The new founding fathers. I'm sure the speeches these new founding fathers gave fit in just as well as the other great leaders of the past!

John F. Kennedy: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country!

The Nostalgia Critic: Just kill some people. [applause] Right? Right? It's a good idea, right?

The Nostalgia Critic: That's right, the Purge works! Just like someone can take $65,000 and make a film like Foodfight! Don't question how logical it is, it just works!

Polite Leader: (as Nostalgia Critic:) Trick or treat!

Polite Leader: Just let us release the Beast on him.

The Nostalgia Critic: I just farted, and it's gonna smell really bad!

The Nostalgia Critic: I'm not kidding, the search goes on for fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes of film with them just searching through the house and us literally looking at nothing. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be scared of? The family are obviously the main characters and they're looking for a homeless injured man. Meanwhile, the Children of the Corn-y taunt them I guess by doing non-scary things which are meant to be scary because they have masks on! (He shows the gang repeatedly making out on the CCTV which IS NOT SCARY AT ALL!)

The Nostalgia Critic: Who spends so much of their time breaking into someone's house for such a weak reason?

Malcolm: Uh, Critic, you should take a look at this.

(Tamara is watching the computer)

Tamara: WTF?

The Nostalgia Critic: (he sits and gasps:) Film Brain?

Film Brain: Hello Mr Critic, I hear you are reviewing The Purge. I did a review on my projector the other day and I was disappointed you didn't ask me to do a crossover review with me!

Nostalgia Critic: But Film Brain, I already did a crossover with you! If I did another one it'd be too repetitive.

Film Brain: But Mr Critic the dirty Brain is piled the film has the audacity to culture the Film Brain society. It deserves to be done. Brutally. Painfully.

The Nostalgia Critic: Why does he want to review it with me?

Tamara: (whispering) This is what happens when you try and split up Pinky and the Brain.

Nostalgia Critic: WILL YOU SHUT UP?

Film Brain: But I just want to do it because I'm so entitled, will you please let me show?

The Nostalgia Critic: I can't do one now but maybe another in the future?

Nostalgia Critic: Remember the movie Toy Story? About a little spaceman doll whom thought he was a real spaceman? [Shows a picture of Buzz Lightyear] Well, what if that toy was violent, psychotic, devoid of fun, and would stop at nothing until what he deemed a threat was massacred and/or totally destroyed? [As the Critic progresses, we see Buzz' eyes moving and his irises turning horror-style red.] He'd be AWESOME! But instead we get Small Soldiers. [Title Card is shown] Joe Dante, director of such hits as Gremlins and... [Starts showing other of his movies such as Gremlins 2, Innerspace, Explorers, Matinee and Looney Tunes: Back in Action] Actually nothing else financially successful, well, that's depressing, returns to little creatures causing a riot through-out the town, except this time is with toys. This was also one of the earliest films from then newcomer studio DreamWorks. And seeing how they have the habit of uglyfying recent Disney hits [Shows the posters of A Bug's Life and Finding Nemo, and then, respectively, AntZ and Shark Tale], it only makes sense to get Toy Story a shot. But, by no means god-awful, it makes you wonder how a still creative idea from a creative director could get lost in a relatively forgettable script. I mean, I remember the Burger King ad more than I remember the movie it was based on!

Hyper Fangirl: Oh, Nostalgia Critic, being with you is the happiest moment of my life!

The Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Hyper Fangirl, being with you makes me completely forget there's an assassin watching me through his viewfinder!

Hyper Fangirl: He really does blend into the background after awhile, doesn't he?

The Nostalgia Critic: Like the pecking of Satan's Vulture.

Hyper Fangirl: Come, I want to show you my humble abode.

(She drags off the frowning Critic.)

The Nostalgia Critic: You know, not that being kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to love isn't "delightfully quirky" as you've forced me to put it, but how long do you intend this to keep going?

Hyper Fangirl: I told you, as soon as we review Princess Diaries 2 with you, it's always been my dream to review a bad movie with you!

The Nostalgia Critic: And did that job involve toe decapitation?

Hyper Fangirl: Sometimes.

(They arrive at the Fangirl's house and she unlocks the door.)

The Nostalgia Critic: (to the Hitman:) You're doing a great job, by the way.

Hitman: I aim to please!

Hitman: Don't you two have a movie to review?

Hyper Fangirl: Thank you, Benny. What do you say, Critic, are you ready to review an old, nostalgic, bad movie?

The Nostalgia Critic: Well, given these surroundings, maybe it won't be as bad as I thought.

Hyper Fangirl: Good, because you're going to need that mentality to get drawn into it. (v.o) This is the sequel to the 2001 hit, The Princess Diaries, reinforcing every little girl's dream that your ordinary life can be transformed into a fairy tale if only you discover you were pushed out of the right couch.

The Nostalgia Critic: While definitely not Shakespeare, even the toughest critics can look deep into their hearts and declare that this film is "harmless."

Hyper Fangirl: This film, however, takes whatever clichés we were willing to overlook in the first film, and maximizes them to Shyamalan levels!

The Nostalgia Critic: NO!

Hyper Fangirl: Ah yes, Shyamalan levels. This results in one of the stupidest, most embarrassing, and downright insane sequels to Disney has ever put out, and that's saying a lot, given their lineup! So, Critic, are you ready to enter a world of vagina pandering?

The Nostalgia Critic: As long as I have my penis pandering nearby, I'm good.

The Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic - and I remember it - BECAUSE IT WILL NEVER FUCKING GO AWAY. God, ever since I did the first Ghost Rider movie people have always been saying "Oh go ahead do Ghost Rider 2 it's so much worse than the first one" oooh, well, ALRIGHT THEN!

The Devil: Actually, spending time away from your children is not that bad an idea. In fact I sent my associate down to Texas not long ago. (he rings his mobile) Hello, how are you sweetie?

Evilinira: Oh great! You know, I have just worked out how to cause the pain and suffering of others just with my thoughts! See!

Angry Joe: ...And that is why this is the WORST! What's that? OH MY GOD NOT AGAIN! (runs away screaming as fighter jet flies in his ship)

Evilinira: Did you hear that?

The Devil: I sure did, sweetie, you're making your Pops very proud. (he smiles evilly:) They grow up so fast...

The Nostalgia Critic: British twat.

Mike: Oh and by the way, look out for that My Little Pony crossover.

The Nostalgia Critic:What My Little Pony crossover? (he is hit on the head by a billboard)

The Nostalgia Critic: Ah. Nothing like bringing in the holidays than by justifying the gym membership in January I'll never use. Ah. A pumpkin hotdog on a pumpkin bun with pumpkin ketchup. Heehee! Though... would it be prudent to possibly dip it in some pumpkin whipped cream? Has such a feat ever been done before?

(He gets disturbing visions of Pinhead, played by Malcolm)

Nostalgia Critic: The Hell was that? Could I get any more foreshadowing? The Four is left right in the shadows. If we do this to all our props, they're gonna fade. We'll put you in a sketch later. You're my favourite prop! Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Well, it's the month of Halloween, and you know what that means: Time to celebrate the great writer by looking at his worst work. It's Stephen King Time!

Nostalgia Critic: You know, it's one thing if machines just, out of the blue, came to life, but how is something as random as a comet supposed to give a soul to modern-day appliances? It's like if I dipped that pumpkin hot dog in the pumpkin whipped cream, something bad would happen to me... (sees the plate has moved) Which is suddenly right next to me... Which is probably cold right now, so I'll leave it for another day. (Looks as a mysterious gloved hand pushes the plate closer to him) Or, maybe I'll eat it today. (Gloved hand pats the table.) After the review? (Gloved hand motions for him to continue.) While talking about the cinematic version of Stephen King playing with his Happy Wheels! (Two gloved hands applaud as the Nostalgia Critic begins dipping the hot dog into the cream saucer) Thanks, disembodied hand of whose origin I know not! (An explosion happens) What the Hell?

Pinhead: IT's natural enemy is the Turtle and of course you find out that Master Splinter raised them...

Jake's mum: Well... there's no easy answer. Uh, historically there was a Saint Nick, who with a loving heart, filled children's shoes with gifts of all sorts. So, Santa today represents the true meaning of Christmas: giving to others. (Which is actually a fair point, but the Critic doesn't seem to think so)

The Nostalgia Critic: See that's funny because, um, I'm pretty sure you want to get across the impression that Santa exists in this world, seeing how it's called Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer, and you literally just dashed this kid's dreams by bringing up your Saint Nick stuff. We're in it for four fucking minutes and already you have no idea what your mythology is! Kinda shatters the illusion, doesn't it? I don't think the otherstories would hold up so well if they were as inconsistent with their world!

(cut to the opening of Fellowship of the Ring)

Narrator: And so three rings were given to the Elves (who are cookie makers led by Will Ferrell). Seven to the Dwarves (who are best known for their harmonizing). (Next the nine human kings are shown.) And the nine were given to... uh, I don't know, there's no easy answer. But there's a wizard who works at Hogwarts and a little person who lives with the Lannisters! And now if you excuse me, I'm off to eat lunch. Mmmm, that's not good caring!

Nostalgia Critic: Today, we're gonna show you how to make "Christmas Story 2" eggnog.

CinemaSins Jeremy: [voiceover] Start off by finding the most classic and beloved Christmas treat you can imagine, then pour only a drop of it into your blender. Because even though it was perfect the way it was, we need to needlessly update it despite the fact nobody asked us to.

Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] Next you want to put in a vegan hotdog because clearly there's no meat in this product whatsoever.

CinemaSins Jeremy: After that, you want to find a drumstick that's been needlessly used for slapping. Renditions of classics often contain a lot of unnecessary slapstick.

Nostalgia Critic: What's that? You didn't laugh at that joke? Well then, clearly, we're making the right recipe.

CinemaSins Jeremy: Naturally, you're gonna need stars. Look deep into the back of your fridge for the leftover star fruit that's expired way past its prime. It hasn't aged well and you probably forgot it even existed. But it was cheap and available and that's all that really matters.

Nostalgia Critic: Finally, water it down as much as you can so you can't even recognize what is was originally trying to replicate in the first place.

CinemaSins Jeremy: Blend whatever charm it had left into a creamy liquid, ready to be pointlessly forced down your throat.

Nostalgia Critic: Be sure it's poured into a glass that looks festive and tasteful, deceiving you into what you're about to subject yourself to.

CinemaSins Jeremy: Finally, garnish with a lit cigarette, and enjoy.

[they both take a sip, vomit straight away in the kitchen sink]

CinemaSins Jeremy: Well, what other reaction would you would've expected?

Nostalgia Critic: So they go into the room of our sad girl named Anna, and is it me, or do the Care Bears have the habit of helping the exact same looking type of girl every single time? There really is some prejudice bullshit going on here!

Nostalgia Critic 1: [impersonating a bear] Ma'am, we have another sad little girl on the corner of-

Nostalgia Critic 2: [impersonating a different bear] Does she have blonde hair and blue eyes?!

Nostalgia Critic 1: I...don't know what that has to do with anything-

Nostalgia Critic 2: Answer the question!

Nostalgia Critic 1: Well, no. She's a brunette with green eyes.

Nostalgia Critic 2: Not interested!

Nostalgia Critic 1: But she's threatening others with a machete.

Nostalgia Critic 2: Away with you! [looks down at cell phone] One day my Führer, we will build the master race!

[cut to an image of Adolf Hitler with the head of a Care Bear, and the audio of one of his speeches in the background]

Nostalgia Critic: But the Nutcracker suddenly gets back part of his memory.

Nutcracker: They work for the evil vizier, who's trying to control all of toyland!

Peter: Yipee!

Nostalgia Critic: [beat] Yay, slavery!

Nostalgia Critic: So the Vizier is trying to get information from the captured Sugar Plum Fairy about the location of the hidden magic ring that'll give him uncontrollable power. And... again, is it me or does this character look EXACTLY like the previous villain they had in the last Care Bears movie? Are the designers of these specials literally given no time to draw new characters?

[cut to animator at his desk]

Animation Director: [offscreen] WE NEED A NEW CARE BEARS VILLAIN IN TWENTY SECONDS!

Animator: Umm...[draws Evil Vizier's costume on a still shot of the "Evil Wizard" from The Care Bears: Adventures in Wonderland and hands it over] It's not very good-

Animation Director: I DON'T CARE!!!!

Nostalgia Critic: So the Care Bears find the pussiest train they can with the cubs hopping aboard as well. The Vizier watches in dismay.

Evil Vizier: Your little wooden friend is doomed... and so is Toyland, and Christmas!!

Nostalgia Critic: Honestly, I'm starting to get the idea they just took the first take with every line on this guy.

[Cut to voice actor]

Vizier Voice Actor: ... And so is Toyland! And Christmaaas!![clears throat] Okay, that was a good vocal warmup, now let's do a real take.

Vocal Director: [offscreen] Uh, we got it; we're good.

Voice Actor: ... but that was the equivalent of me clearing my throat.

Vocal Director: No, no-no-no, we're good.

Voice Actor: You do realize I want to be hired by other people after this, don't you?

Vocal Director : I DON'T CARE!!!!

Evil Vizier: [after he fails to open the magical walnut with a knife] YOU are the cause of this! Well, have you forgotten? I have my own nut-cracker now! OPEN IT!

Nostalgia Critic: Put my nut in your mouth and BITE HARD! I don't give a shit how that sounds; I'm in a Care Bear movie!

Nostalgia Critic: Remember that bunch of kids in high school who said they wanted to make movies? Remember how they used to show you all their films they worked so hard on? Remember how no matter what, you were always so impressed with how they put all their passion and all their love into every single frame they shot? And despite all the dedication that they put into every single frame, didn't you just HATE those fucking films? The lame effects, the hokey acting, the stories that made no sense whatsoever? Well the world loves to reward the insane, and this is the fruit of their labor. Hey, you paid for it, so it should only make sense that you should pay for it! Let's not waste another second. Let's take a look at NEEEEEERRRRRRRRD......the movie.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Howard Scott Warshaw leaves a scene] There goes the best, and yet somehow worst video game designer of all time. He'll most likely get a job at EA Games.

Nostalgia Critic: But the alien calls all the video game cartridges to him to rebuild his ship. [Eee Tee cartridges begin to rise from the ground, and fly out of consoles in people's houses] This leads to easily, hands down, the best performance in the entire movie.

[clip shows a cameo of Doug Walker in his house, playing the game as it flies out of his console, causing him to scream like a girl and flee the scene]

Nostalgia Critic: Look at the fear in his eyes, look at the depth he's portraying, look at how many emotions this actor is able to get across in just a couple of seconds. He may have only had one moment of screentime, but he changed cinima with it.

The Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Well, if you've ever been to the Magic Kingdom, chances are one of your favourite rides is the Haunted Mansion. Well how could it not be? With its endless creativity, Gothic atmosphere, and so many clever visuals that no one can see it entirely in one viewing, the Haunted Mansion has become one of the theme park's most praised attractions! So, when Disney had a surprise monster hit with their Pirates of the Caribbeanmovie, they figured maybe bring in the same amount of cinematic effort to one of the most famous rides of all time might be called for here as well. Best way to begin? Let's have Eddie Murphy star in it. RUINED! (He slams that word onscreen)

(Adverts: Doing a movie trailer for GARGOYLES remake)

Narrator: From the studio who bought you Mila Kunis as the Wicked Witch of the West...

Xanatos: I am Xanak-tos.

Goliath/Elisa: (played by Malcolm & Tamara) IT'S XAN-A-TOS!

Xanatos: Whatever. I didn't watch the show.

(On why Megan wouldn't be scared by a ghost ball)

The Nostalgia Critic: Dude, We're the iPhone generation, the only time we're actually shocked is when FaceBook changing its layout. (Looks at his phone and gasps) They already did? The world has ended!

The Nostalgia Critic: What kind of world is this where Terrence Stamp is taken to Hell but Eddie Murphy is still allowed to roam free?

Nostalgia Critic: We get a flashback to the good old days of the bad old days when we see Affleck, playing Matt Murdock, growing up in a part of town called Hell's Kitchen. Yeah, you know it's coming, so here it is. [pulls up a clip of Gordon Ramsey from Hell's Kitchen from below]