It would be perfect if your first kiss was with your first love, wouldn’t it? So I’m just going to remind you that this is not a perfect world.

My first love was with a transfer student from Surabaya. I crushed on him from 5th grade all the way to 9th grade. I bet he is still unaware of this. We’re still friends on facebook, though. :)

My first kiss was with a girl. Yep. Her name was Michelle Kieffer. Half Taiwanese-Half US Army kid who lived downstairs. I was in grade four, she in grade three and we practiced kissing out of curiosity. But, I swear, she was the one who initiated it. She took advantage of me. *innocent face*

But both of the above conclude that I’ve had adequate practice on heartache and spit-swapping. Enough to be the most understanding lover/kisser one can have. :p

I would say: Now. The present. I feel most satisfied with my life now. I know. I know. I haven’t accomplished much. I haven’t completed my novel or published a childrens’ picture book yet. I’m still overweight. I don’t have a driver’s license. I haven’t saved enough to perform Hajj. Haven’t had the chance to buy livestock for Hari Raya Qurban either, not even a cheap skinny goat. Still have ill-feelings towards other people. Still miss one or two prayers every other day. Don’t call my parents often enough.

I would say ‘now’ because, I have a paying job.I wake up every morning having something to do aside from work, a hobby, a purpose. I have my dreams to pull me forward. I have my past to remind me of what I’ve been through. Not all decisions were right. But at least I’m alright. Now.

I’m 36. I’ve been living with myself for 36 years. I’ve gotten to know myself a lot better over these years. What makes me happy. What gets me moving. What I need when life’s curtains suddenly fall on me and causes me to suffocate. What I do is sleep. Sleep it away. Call in sick. When actually, I’m not sick, I just don’t feel like doing anything. Not even writing. Not even doodling. Not even breathing. Sometimes.

I’m most satisfied with myself right now. Because she is more understanding and less demanding towards herself and others. I guess that sums up perfectly why she is grateful for her present self.

I’m a Capricorn. I’m stubborn. I consider myself classy. Yes, I am full of myself. I like the good life, but who doesn’t? I don’t take nonsense but I do forgive easily and forget (too easily). Um, where was I? Oh, I love to sleep. So does my husband. He’s a Capricorn too, by the way. A good thing we’re both stubborn at sticking together. Hopefully. Eh. Eh?

I’m independent. I’m a ferpectionist. I live off being creative. If you find me making jokes that are slightly ‘off’, please, just laugh.

Being broke makes me sick. Literally, I like, feel it in my bones and it’s not a good feeling. I don’t dream of being filthy rich. Just enough to live a stable comfy life, make good memories with my family and put my money where it’s needed.

I’m warm and caring but only when nobody’s looking. I have enough affection to light up the Eiffel Tower, I wish to believe.

4. I love reading. I’m grateful for growing up in a neighborhood where we lived only a few blocks away from a public library. My love for books were carved in me really early.

5. I love drawing. Thanks to my Dad, who treasured his kids silly scribbles in a folder of his in between his research clippings. His praise bought me confidence.

6. I’m the only daughter of a West Sumateran woman. I grew up with tough love. So often did I resent my mom for giving me more chores and more responsibilities just because I was a girl. I remember having to fold a blanket 3 times my size when I was little, I whined and said I couldn’t do it, but she persisted. She always did. Because she loved me. Now, seeing how some other girls grow up not being able to do basic house chores or cook, I will always look back and thank my mom for all her tough love.

7. I can ride skateboards & can in-line skate. Another perk of being an only daughter having 3 brothers. Your fun is influenced by boy’s stuff.

8. I handwrite with my left hand. This was my mom’s big idea. And I thank her for this super power. Activating all my right-brain magic.

9. Been wearing glasses since 2nd grade of elementary school.

10. Loves sleeping in/on moving vehicles.

11. Sleeps with her mouth open ever since she was born. You know that glass room new born babies are put for viewing? My mom said I was already sleeping with my mouth open back then. Not proud, but what is there I can do?

12. Is a huge Sanrio fan. I remember always asking to wait at the small Sanrio shop at Holiday Mart while mom went grocery shopping. Just touching and ogling the cute thingies made me happy. Now, I can draw and even sew my own plush Sanrio inspired kawaii things.

13. Would like to believe she was a concubine in her previous life. From the Heian Era and close friends with Murasaki Shikibu the author of Genji Monogatari. My name was Midori of course. ;)

14. Favorite writer: Roald Dahl.

15. Loves Kyoto Autumns.

16. Loves a wide range of music. From hip-hop to dangdut. Except for trance and grindcore, which I don’t get at all.

17. Hates cold.

18. Likes petai but not to the point of having them as a lalapan. Slivers of petai in nasi goreng, sambal goreng ati is fine. The aroma is what I love about it.

19. People assume if you like petai then you automatically like jengkol. Wrong. I don’t hate jengkol, but not a fan either. Some say jengkol tastes like meat. Lies!

20. I only just recently been able to eat fish. And picky still. The fish I eat mustn’t smell, should be fillet, with no scaly or silvery fish color whatsoever. Better fried in batter. Sushi, I love. Sashimi? You bet! Tuna? No problemo! I can eat ikan bakar but only Kuwe (Trevally) fish. Bandeng? Hmm.. Before yes, recently not so much. Too lazy to pick out the bones.

21. Learned how to drive in high school, but never got around to getting a license. And now is too scared to drive. Jakarta roads are viscous. But doesn’t want to lose to common civilization. So, will get around to driving one day.

22. Dream destinations: Mecca.

23. Must see before I die: Aurora. Australis, Islandica, or Borealis.

24. Will publish several books before I die. Illustrate my own books.

25. Is a live and let live kind of girl.

26. Except when it comes to cockroaches. However, lately I’ve opted to chase them away as opposed to squishing them with a toilet cleaner. Yesterday, I even prayed to God, “Please guide the roach out of my room.” Which later with my own eyes, I witnessed the filthy thing scurrying out the bedroom door. :)

27. Believes she would be an awesome Mom soon.

28. Has a naughty side. A very naughty side. A naughty side you don’t wanna know. :)

29. Loves getting swept away by movies. Is the girl who sits on the edge of her seat when things get juicy. :)

I can’t recall when and why I wanted to die. I do remember how and where I went about my foolish attempt though. It was in my father’s library, which later became my room once I entered high school. So, I’m guessing it happened when I was in junior high.

I locked myself in my father’s study. Crying, most likely. The only sharp thing I could find was a box of staples. I went on to scraping my wrist with it. But I was too chicken to go deep and it hurt. I was only able to leave small cat scratch like marks. What a wimp!

What went on in my head was mostly wishing the people who hurt me would feel sorry if I disappeard. For good.

I guess, at the time, I just needed to cry it out. Like I still do sometimes.

But the girl who tried to cut her wrists with a paper staple, could’ve used a warm hug from the woman she grew up to be.

Because the woman she is now knows that suicide is a selfish deed.

Taking God’s Right into one’s hands.

Denying His Plan. Denying other people’s feelings. Other people’s lives after the loss.

To be honest, it took me quite a while to ponder on this post. Causing me to neglect writing for several days. Other than that, I was busy reading a novel that I just couldn’t put down so there, guilty as charged.

Religion is a touchy subject. Especially in Indonesia, where talking about SARA (ethnicity, tradition, race, religion) must be handled extra carefully. If you talk too passionately about it, some people will regard you as an extremist, blindly naive, or to be having a holier-than-thou attitude. If you talk too lightly about it, some people will regard you as an infidel, a bad religious follower, or to be setting a terrible example to the young ones.

I’m a Muslim. I was born into a Muslim family. My mother is a Muslim and so is my father. Both their parents were Muslims and their parents’ parents as well. I’m Indonesian, half Bugis, half Minang. My mother tongue is Bahasa Indonesia. I am the only daughter. I have 3 brothers and 0 sisters.

Did I ask to be born a Muslim? Or any of the other conditions I was born into? No. Am I happy with my label as a Muslim? Yes. Now. Well, before there were a lot of questions. Like, why do we have to pray five times a day everyday of the week, while the other religions only have to go to church once a week on a Sunday even? Why do we have to fast when all the other kids at school don’t have to?

Being born into a certain religion doesn’t necessarily make you a faithful follower. Same as everyone else, same as the converts, we ride into religion using training wheels. However, we do get a lucky headstart if our parents, our closest environment practice the religion well.

Now let’s go to a more general view of religion that I totally agree with. Actually, I’ve been gathering what I could from here and there to get the guts to write this. On the 4th day, the day this post was due, I stumbled upon a video of Muhammad Ali. He was being interviewed and asked about his view on religion. His answer was totally agreeable. He said that every religion teaches good. Be us the followers of Jesus Christ, Khrishna, Buddha, Confucius, or Muhammad. All their teachings are good. All their teachings mean well for the human race and for the world we live in. It is the people who do bad things sometimes.

I post religious themed stuff on social media. Why? Because I can. Alhamdulillah. Because it makes me feel grounded. It makes me feel closer to my Creator and my brothers and sisters in Islam. Also, because religion is an essential part of me.

Muhammad Ali was also asked what he would be doing after he retired from boxing. His answer was, to please his God, Allah. He wants to use his fame and his final years, minus the travelling, minus watching TV, minus eating, sleeping, minus everything, which is not much to be left with, to please the Most Gracious & Most Merciful.

Muhammad Ali, a man from America, a minority in skin and in religion but the greatest boxer of all times, is not afraid to state his thoughts on Islam, then why should I? A woman from Indonesia, one of the largest Muslim populations in the world, a simple nobody (yet).

This is my last and closing view on religion. I was guided to it last night. In one of my friend’s path posts.

An umbrella doesn’t stop the rain. But by utilizing the umbrella, we can stand in the rain without getting wet. The same goes with religion. We cannot claim ourselves winners, but at least it helps us through the trials we’re faced with.