Comedy Tour: The Alex Falcone Diaries: Cat Hero!

[Editor's Note: Up-and-comer comedian/actor Alex Falcone—who you've seen perform with Action/Adventure theater, as well in the live talk show Late Night Action w/ Alex Falcone—will be furnishing semi-regular updates from the road to give us an inside peek at the real life of a struggling comic. Want more Alex? Check out his website and his podcast Read It and Weep—a funny show about bad books, movies, and TV.]

THE ZOO

Thursday, June 7th - Westminster, CO

Comedy shows usually have three performers: an MC, feature, and headliner clocking in at 15, 30, and 45 minutes of jokes respectively. After most shows, all three of us line up near the door and shake hands, give out business cards, or sell merch. Some people engage us in conversation and buy stuff, while others avert their eyes like we were on the MAX asking them to sign yet another petition to legalize marijuana.

I love shaking hands with people and listening to them tell me how great I am, because I am a simple creature who craves constant approval. "When you were talking about the zoo it made me laugh so hard because I was just telling my wife the other day that I hate the zoo." His wife nods, proving that it did transpire exactly the way it was described. It's a great moment for all of us. They feel like they've related to a celebrity, and I get a warm fuzzy feeling in the hole where my parents' hugs should be.

There is a small risk to this positive-reinforcement party, and it happens to the not-headliners. "Man, you were the funniest person I've ever seen. I loved your set. ... Oh, and you guys were funny too." Sometimes I get the kind of compliments that only arise from a person just noticing I was standing.

At least I'm a feature now, so I don't get the kind of compliments only an MC gets. "You're alright. Stick with it." Thanks a lot, woman who talks like a poster in a 3rd-grade classroom. How am I ever going to fill that hug-hole now?

MORE AFTER THE JUMP, INCLUDING ME RESCUING AN ADORABLE KITTEN. KITTEN!

Friday, June 8th - Denver, CO

My sisters and I went to the Denver Zoo to see the million dollar elephant prison that had just opened. Despite what I say on stage (and the guy in the handshake line told me he agreed with), I'm actually a big fan of zoos. Yes, you'll come home with bruised ankles from all the strollers that bumped into you. Yes, most of the animals will be asleep or inexplicably off exhibit. Yes, you'll get a stomach ache from drinking a yard of Icee through a twisty straw. All of that is true. But you'll always get to see at least one animal do something adorable. Or at least poop.

I was lucky enough to see one of the elephants do tricks for pieces of melon, including standing on his back legs and jumping into the pool surrounding his island. And also poop.

I think the elephant should owe us each a piece of melon if he poops during his show.

Keeping with the animal theme, I also saved a kitten from a tree today. The line to blow me will start to my left.

It was my sister's kitten and it got stuck in a tree only after she thought it would be funny to put him in a tree. It turns out kittens can climb one direction in a tree and that is up. Did we have to call the fire department? No. Because I'm a hero. And because the fire department probably doesn't do that any more.

I need a hero. I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night.

Two shows tonight, three tomorrow. If you need me in the meantime, I'll be hanging out in the Heros Only lounge on Mt Olympus with my friend who pulled a school bus full of orphans from a burning building.