Knots 5

Chapter 13

Andy

Like I said
last time, our session began as it always did, with the question, "How did your
week go?"

"I'm not
sure," I said with all honesty

He
smiled."Why?"

"Consequences,
Doc.My week had consequences I didn't
expect."

"Tell me
about it."

I knocked
his knee with my knee."Do you want to
hear everything?"

"No.Just the consequences will do."

I
frowned."I thought so. Well, against
your advice, I got the guys together for a foursome, including Matt.
Matt didn't really want to do it, and the only
reason he did was because he'd given me his word.Sometimes doing the right thing can have its
own consequences."

"What do
you mean?"

"Well, Matt
liked it so much he told me that he didn't think our sex will be very exciting
compared to the foursome. I can't understand it.I love all sex, and the sex with Matt is
special."

He wrote
something down on his pad."Are you
saying that Matt doesn't find the sex with you special?"

"Yeah.That's what I'm saying."

"Is it
possible that for Matt, it might be special but not in the same way you think
it's special?"

I
nodded."That's possible.But I only think he wants to have group sex
from now on."

"You mean
you think he won't want to have sex with you, or if he does, he won't enjoy it
as much?"

"Yep.That's exactly what I mean.Doesn't it seem obvious?"

"Did he say
that?"

"No, not in
so many words.But he was so excited
about getting together with those guys again.
I'm never going to get him.He
loves me, but not enough.He's all into
himself and doesn't give a damn about me."

"Do you
really believe that?"

I paused."It seems that way."

Dr. Walker
leaned his elbows on his knees."Whose
idea was the foursome?"

"Mine."

"Did he
want to be in the foursome?"

"No."

"So why are
you blaming Matt?"

I put my forearms
on my thighs and my face in my hands.
"Because of what he said.He told
me our sex wasn't ever going to be as good as group sex.Matt was so turned on, and it was like he was
a chameleon and changed just like that."
I snapped my fingers.

Walker
leaned back in his chair."Be honest,
Andy.How did it happen?Why did it happen?"

Another
long pause."I suggested the
foursome.I pressured Matt into it.I didn't listen to you."

He
smiled."Did I tell you not to have the foursome?"

Another
pause."Well, no.But...but, I could tell you thought it was a
dumb idea."

"How could
you tell?"

"To be
honest, Doc, I have no idea.I could
just tell when you said the decision was up to me.Even though you told me it was my decision, I
could tell you thought it was wrong.But
I ignored the feeling."

Then he
asked a simple question."Why?"

"I...I
suppose it was because I thought the sex would be fun and exciting."

"Isn't that
what Matt kind of said?"

"Yeah, but
he added that our sex would never be the same."

"Isn't that
what you were pretty much saying when you suggested the foursome in the first
place?You and Matt could have continued
to have sex like you always did, but you wanted the foursome.Isn't that right?"

I took a
deep breath and let the air out in a sigh.
"Yes, Doc.That's right."

"I guess I
could start by avoiding another foursome or any group sex of any kind." "That could be part of it.What else?"

"I'll tell
Matt that I'd prefer it if he didn't do it either."

"Do you
think he'd agree?"

"Maybe, if
I didn't do it either."

He wrote
something down."Do you think that will
work?"

"No.But it's worth a try."

"What else
might you do?"

I squirmed
in my chair."I don't know, Doc.Maybe just give up on Matt and me ever having
a relationship."

"That's a
possibility, Andy.Are you willing to do
that?"

"Not
really."

"What if
it's the only solution?"

I leaned
back in my chair and stared at the ceiling.
This is my preferred position when I feel like I've been backed into a
corner."Doc, there has to be something
else."

"Let me
pose a possible solution to your dilemma."

I sat up
straight."You're actually going to tell
me something?Should I brace myself?"

"Not funny,
Andy.You've kind of answered the
question already. Think about this for a minute.You gave yourself completely to Dillon Burke,
right?"

"Yeah, and
the a-hole betrayed me."

"My
question to you is, for right now, should you give yourself completely to
anyone?That includes Matt.Aren't you just setting yourself up for
failure, or if nothing else, setting yourself up for some pain?"

I took a
deep breath."Yeah, Doc, a whole lot of
pain and disappointment."

"As you
look back, what are some of the happiest times you've shared with Matt?"

"There are
many, Doc.We raced our bikes; swam at
the pond; had our friends come out with us; played football and basketball
together; spent hours in each other's rooms or at each other's houses playing
games, wrestling; mowed lawns together..."

"So could
you say, you have had many happy times that didn't include sex?"

"Yes.A lot."

"So what do
you think my plan is?"

"Damn,
Doc.Just tell me."

"No,
Andy.Give me an answer."

"Well, I
guess...I guess...maybe, just be friends, and forget the sex unless he wants to
have sex."

"That could
work.Do you think you should have sex
even if he wants it?"

"Yeah.I wouldn't turn him down."

"Haven't
you found that if you can't have something, you want it even more?"

"Yep.For sure."

"So what
might you do?"

"I could
say no."

"You
could.But what else might you do?"

"Talk to
him.Explain things.Tell him that for now I think it would better
if we don't have sex.But I don't think
I'll have to worry about it because I don't think he wants to have sex with me
anyway.He only wants group sex."

"So you
think he'll never want to have sex with you again?"

"At least
not right now."

"Andy, this
is one of those situations where you need to be patient.Don't push it.Just let things take their natural
course.Don't participate in the group
sex, just like you suggested.Then wait
and see what happens.Can you do that?"

I leaned on
my elbows."It will be hard, but I'll try."

"No,
Andy.Don't try.Do it.
Can you do it?Will you do it?"

"Yeah,
Doc.I give you my word."

Matt

Andy had
gone to see Dr. Walker between practices, so I didn't see him again until just
before the last practice.That's when I
attempted to apologize and fix things.
But he wasn't ready to talk, so we agreed to talk after practice.

I made a
mistake when I told Andy our sex wasn't good enough.That's the way I felt at the time, but now
that I've had time to think about it, I was wrong, and then when I tried to
make things right, he said everything was fine and we should just be
friends.That's all we had time for
before practice.

*****

Football
practice had been going pretty well.
Jackass Barnes was still being a jackass. He and his small group of
homophobes made it their job to harass, Andy, Thomas, Colt, and me whenever they
had a chance.We could have reported it
to Coach Gilbert, but it didn't seem worth the effort since everyone else on
the team was cool.Coach Gilbert settled
most of the problems when he sat us all down and laid things out after the
Dillon Burke trial.But he repeated his
speech again at the beginning of every season.

I was the
starting quarterback, and Thomas and Andy had earned starting halfback positions,
so what Barnes and his buddies thought or said really didn't make any
difference.I was happy to remind them
of that."Barnes, you're still a
jackass.In fact, I don't think you're a
jackass anymore; you're just a plain ass.
At least a jackass has some brains and learns,
but you're still as stupid as you've always been."

He got in
my face when I said that.Andy and the
others stood behind me as Barnes' supporters got behind him.

"Take that
back!"

"Fuck you,
Barnes.If you don't like it, leave us alone.You know where Coach Gilbert stands, and yet
you and your sycophants keep at us.Get
over it."

He moved in
closer."What the fuck is a sycophant?"

"Barnes,
you're so fucking stupid you don't even have the sense to act like you know
what the word means. Someone with any
brains would have just gotten pissed and acted like he knew what it meant.
A sycophant is a suck-up.I guess I could say you and your minions, but
you probably don't know what the word minion means either.So suck-up will have to do."Barnes pushed me, and I stepped back."Go ahead and hit me Barnes.Then you'll be benched."

Barnes saw
it as his way out."You're right,
Mel.Let's get out of here before I kick
the shit out of this homo."

I wanted to
hit Barnes so badly and started to move toward him as he turned and walked
away.Andy grabbed me."Matt, maybe you should follow your own
advice."

He was
right.

*****

Andy and I
walked home together after practice and talked.
"Andy, I'm sorry about what I said the other day.Sex with you will still be special.I was caught up in the heat of the moment."

"I
understand, Matt.But I think we should
just be friends for now.It's nothing
personal.I talked to Dr. Walker, and we
have an agreement.You mean a lot to
me.I love you, and I know you love
me.What we have goes beyond sex, and I
think for now we should just enjoy our friendship.Do you understand?"

"Kinda.But what am I going to do when I'm
horny?What are you going to do?"

"Nothing
for now.At least I'm going to try.I loved the foursome as much as you.I was just hurt when you said you wouldn't
find sex with me as enjoyable anymore after that.It just seems that for now we should just
wait."

"For how
long?"

"Maybe a
month or so.Let's say, until after our
second football game."

"I don't
know if I can wait that long.Are you
sure you can wait?"

"I don't
know either, but I'm going to do my best.
Let's see how it goes.Dr. Walker
seems to think this is the best way."

That didn't
make any sense to me.Since when does
Dr. Walker tell us what we should do? "Did
he tell you that?"

He stopped
walking."Not in so many words.You know how he is.He asked me what I thought I should do, and
this is what I came up with.He made me
promise I would do it."

"Did you
consider how it would affect me?"

"Yes.But you had already hurt me, and I wanted to
get over the hurt, and abstaining seemed like the best idea at the time.After all, you were the one who said our sex
wouldn't be the same.I couldn't believe
you told me that."

"I said I
was sorry."

"Well,
sorry doesn't cut it.I love you, Matt,
and I know you don't want to settle down in a relationship, and I can accept
that.But you need to treat me with
respect."

We started
walking again."I know.I was wrong."

"Yes you
were, and I appreciate your apology.But
actions have consequences, and maybe if I wasn't seeing Dr. Walker, things
would just go back to normal.But I made
him a promise."

"You could
always break it.He wouldn't know."

He stopped
walking again."What are you, the
devil?Of course I could.But I won't, and I know down deep you wouldn't
want me to or expect me to."

"Can't
blame a guy for trying."

"True.But there is nothing preventing you from
getting together with Ashton and Scott if you wanted to."

I patted
him on the back."I'm not sure what's
happening, but it seems like we've switched roles.You're the levelheaded one, and I'm the one
thinking with his cock.Maybe I should
go back to Dr. Walker too."

"Maybe you
should.We've been through a lot of crap,
and it's all inside us, and who knows how those knots you like to talk about
affect us.Talking to Doc Walker has
helped a lot.What I like is that he
never passes judgment on me.He guides
me, but doesn't make decisions for me.
What do you think your parents would say?"

"I don't
know.They would want to know what was
wrong and why I wanted to go.I'm not
sure what I'd tell them."

"Tell them
there are a few more things you need to work out that you can't talk to them
about.That worked for me."

I couldn't
help but wonder what guys do who couldn't afford a therapist or were too
embarrassed to go to one.I wasn't sure
I was ready, so I didn't do anything.But
what I did do when I got home was stupid.
I called Colt to see if he wanted
to get together, and he did.Someone new
seemed almost as exciting as a foursome.
You could begin to see why Andy and I called our book Knots.

Colt

Colt
couldn't believe it.He was surprised
when Matt called and wanted to get together.
That's how he put it."Let's get
together."Matt didn't say anything
about sex, but Colt figured that's what he meant.This was just what Colt wanted when he'd
talked to Thomas about wanting to fly.
Here was his chance to see what it was like to be with someone else, and
if it was going to be anyone, Matt was the one he wanted.Zoe would have to wait.He was hoping Matt would suggest an orgy with
himself, Ashton, Scott, Andy, and him.Colt
thought he'd be satisfied with just Matt for the time being.

"What do
you have in mind, Matt?"

"Thought we
could talk.Let's get together after
tomorrow's practice.We could head out
to the pond for a swim."

"Sounds
great."

"We'll have
to ride our bikes; I can't get the car."

"That's
fine.Do you want me to bring anything?"

"No, I have
everything covered."

__________________________________________________

Chapter Quotes

Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who
lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not
feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's
what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.--Jim Morrison

Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude
from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong
mental attitude. --Thomas Jefferson

Words are singularly the most powerful force available to
humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of
encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and
power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to
humiliate and to humble.--Yehuda Berg

Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if
you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.
--Dalai Lama

I'd like to thank Lisa for taking the time to edit Knots 1,
2, 3, 4, and 5.As the author, I take
final responsibility for all parts of the story, including any errors.

This story is a work of fiction.Names, characters, places, and incidents are
the product of the author's imagination and are used fictitiously.Any resemblance to actual persons living or
dead, events or locales, is purely coincidental and no slanderous intent is
implied.