Saturday, 31 January 2015

16 Unrealistic Expectations as a Disney Princess Wannabe

I am a total Disney-loving nut.

No, I don't have a tramp stamp of Tinkerbell tattooed on me, nor do I have any desire to get married dressed as Minnie Mouse. But I do still watch and genuinely enjoy Disney films as a grown adult - and often find them even funnier when I catch onto lil' jokes I missed as a kid that they included for parents (cheeky one Disney) - and sleep in pyjamas that have The Little Mermaid on.

Heck. I've even dressed up as my fave Disney Princesses at every possible fancy dress opportunity.

And yes, I know that Disney isn't all sunshine and sing-a-longs as it makes it out to be - I wrote a whole 10,000 dissertation on the whole blooming thing.

But things have moved on - Elsa and Anna have been taking over the world ever since the question 'Do You Want to Build a Snowman?' was uttered.

And the thing is, they're magical. They make me think, feel, and believe ANYTHING is possible. And hey, in a world where we're constantly bombarded with depressing shit and utter chaos going on in the world to make even Mickey Mouse lose his faith in humanity, isn't a bit of magic to escape to just what we need?

Ever since I was little, I've wanted to be a Disney Princess - and still kinda do now. Ahem.
(Like you would say no if you were asked. Pft.)

But as time's gone on, I've realised that some things in the life of a DP, ain't all it's cracked up to be....

1.) Brushing your hair with a dinglehopper isn't magical and only ends in tangles and tear.

Leaving 6-year-old Amy having to have a fork wrestled out of her hair by her dad.

2.) In fact, ALL of the unrealistic hair envy.

Ariel's hair's so big because it's full of secrets - LIKE SECRETS TO HER BOUNCY HAIR.

3.) Not enough extensions and backcombing in the world would get your hair as volumious as Jasmine's pony tail.

I'll just settle for the gemstone headband and tiered hair ties I think, cheers.

4.) Top knots definitely don't work out like this when I pile my hair on top of my head.

Mulan? More like Mu-can't.

5.) And don't even get me started on Elsa's plait.

Girl must be packing some serious hairspray to keep those fly-aways at bay.

6.) Housework is never this much fun.

In reality, it's just me in my joggers, getting sweaty and swearing.

7.) Even Mary Berry can't cut off the pastry crust off a pie this casually.

Nevermind doing so balancing it on one hand and spinning it in the air willy-nilly.

8.) And sifting icing sugar without it looking like you've journeyed through a snowstorm?!

Who are you kidding Tiana.

9.) Rodents won't make a fancy ballgown for you.

If my fashion degree taught me anything, it's that it also involves pins pricking your fingers, loose threads stuck to you, and a lot of swearing.

10.) In fact, animal sidekicks in general can't do jack shit.

Meeko's hair salon? Yeah right - I'd just be happy if I could teach a puppy to sit.

11.) No-one is ever this quick when they're getting ready to get turnt up on the dancefloor. Not even The Flash I tell ya.

And although they may be charming, unlike the films, they most likely aren't gonna be your Prince Charming - and that's coming from someone who's dated someone who looks like Flynn Ryder with matchable smoulder.

13.) Eyeliner does not go on this smoothly and swiftly. Nop, nop, noppity-no.

The life of a eyeliner-flick-obsessed girl is a tough one. Symmetry is a bitch.

14.) And it sure as hell isn't this easy to fix up your make-up after getting a bit emosh listening to Adele.

"What? No, these aren't tears. I'M JUST ALLERGIC TO AIR."

15.) And if one was to accidentally fall asleep in their make-up, they DEFINITELY would not look this flawless.

Less Sleeping Beauty, more sleeping mascara smudges.

16.) Ribbon bows alone can't tie and keep up a ponytail. Take it from a seasonal ribbon wearer.

You ain't fooling anyone Belle.

But if it's one thing that is bang-on accurate, is that I wake up exactly like this...