Friday, April 14, 2017

(283) Hammer of the Gods* + links

*(this isn't just a reference to the new Thor trailer....but I trust you, dear readers, have been reading this series long enough to realize this as soon as you saw this title).

Last week was a relatively short RF. Well, make some coffee, people. Or have a shot of vodka. Or inject heroin in your eyeballs or whatever it is you do to endure this stupidity.

Cause this is gonna be as long as it is gonna be pervy. I'm not a Catholic so....forgive me for all of this kinky shit on Good Friday if you are.

Before we begin, though - there is some serious bullshit happening with the gifs linked from tumblr on blogger so I actually had to start uploading all of that stuff directly here. The gifs in posts between the fall 2015 till fall 2016 are a mess. I wonder how long till something fucks up and actual content starts disappearing? That's Google for ya, This is infuriating. Well, I keep backing up and I'm sure Harris and Jackman's lawyers have a copy of this website too so never fear. The RFs from this year should all be working fine cause I went back and re-uploaded gifs. That was a good use of 2 evenings.

So on Friday I started watching The Fountain, which I finished on Saturday. I also rewatched Australia and The Prestige (for the second time in 1 month). Behold the madness:

Australia was like 2 different movies in one. First they chased that cattle across the land, then Hugh shaved and put on a tux and the entire party froze when he arrived (which was the most realistic moment in the movie). Then he finally banged Kidman and it could really end there. But nope, they had to incorporate the war! So then he left and then there was a fake out that she died and then he saved some kids as he usually does in his movies (to bring me to the brink of death)...seriously the film was a mess. Essie Davis and Ben Mendelsohn were there in supporting roles and they were really good but Hugh was the best thing about this movie.

And of course there was this:

I like that vein there.

It's like a pathway.

...

.....

......

But anyways...

The Fountain is such a beautiful movie. I almost lost my shit when his voice broke and he yelled 'she is going to be dead by then'. That is such a wonderful performance...of a man married to a suicidal moron who is married to THIS and goes 'it's OK if I die...I'm gonna be a tree'. No, no, I kid. It's all really beautiful and profound but it's just hard to believe anyone would willingly accept death while being married to this guy.

I'd crawl out of my grave, you guys.

The Prestige is just such a masterpiece and every time I watch it this guy just breaks my heart. Look at this acting:

oh my God.

So precious.

So wonderful.

If you could see the look on my face, sir...

(...you'd call the cops).

On Sunday it was X Men day again as I put myself through The Last Stand:

There is this scene near the end where Phoenix is annihilating everything with her energy and his shirt comes off, even his skin starts coming off (and regenerating) but his PANTS STAYED ON. That was the dumbest thing I've seen. This week.

Also this is the second time when I witnessed him kill a woman who loves him and then hold her shirtless as he is crying. And the second time that woman didn't even get to bang him first. If this is not depressing, than I don't know what is.

On Tuesday it was the time to sit through 150 minutes of X Men: Apocalypse just to see Hugh's 5 minute long cameo. But within first 15 minutes it turned ou that Magneto was hiding in - get his - Poland - so I was laughing my ass off:

Ridiculous depiction of Poland as the place where:

1. you can run into a man who is as hot as Fassbender

2. forests are filled with playful animals and not something I have to protect my Yorkie and myself from

3. there is competent Police which shows up to apprehend a suspect within 24 hours

aside, Fassbender's attempts at speaking Polish were laughable. It's not his fault, it's a very difficult language and he is half Irish half German but good God was I laughing so much.

Also I focused on his nipples and didn't even notice the amount of balls.

(that is the dirtiest thing I've written here...well, let's keep trying to top that)

I need you to take a moment now.

Take a deep breath.

Breathe. Before you witness the following:

Ladies and gentlemen I have shared a lot of great things here. But what I'm about to share is *excited noises*

In 2011 Hugh had some sort of show in Toronto. One of the girls there held a sign that said come to the wedding Hugh. He pulled her on stage, sat her down and gave her a lap dance.

It's exactly what it sounds like.

And yes, there is a video of it:

To be fair I'd be scared near the end there.

You can't just shove something this huge in front of woman's face without giving her a warning

(and yes that is the first thing the title of this RF's is cleverly referencing. Is 'cleverly' the right word here?)

You need like....a written consent.

And you need her to write a will. Just in case.

Here he is laughing adorably and feeding a kangaroo:

He also celebrated 21 YEARS of marriage this week. 21!

I'm so impressed ,

And not in the least bit jealous.

*that's a lie*

So to sum up:

That man is out there being an awesome husband but also giving women lap dances and feeding kangaroos.

Lap dances...

...and feeding kangaroos.

I don't know how to deal with any of this. I'm not equipped to handle this. I am just gonna accidentally watch that lap dance video again.

In between all of....this I managed to watch Hacksaw Ridge last weekend (in order to finish my Best and Worst list so check it out if you haven't yet). I thought it was extremely well done. Mel is a pig but he is a damn good director who make movies with reasonable budget and in reasonable time - the battle scenes which took half of the movie were shot in just 19 days. The music was spectacular, the acting was very good and Vince Vaughn's character was hysterical.

Thor: Ragnarok trailer dropped and it's probably the best MCU (not to be confused with the entirety of Marvel which includes Logan and Logan wins in everything) trailer ever. It's certainly the one that I've seen most times. Who would have thought that they will do something like this with what is essentially Apocalypse story? But Taika Waititi is magic and there are some seriously awesome campy vibes all over this trailer and a fantastic choice of Immigrant Song (the original) for the score. Some people are complaining about the song choice! Just listen to the lyrics people! And there is Cate Blanchett as someone who hopefully is finally a great Marvel villain - Hela. She looks amazing. I have been using black eyeliner and crayon this whole week, you guys.

The only thing that looks mediocre is Tessa Thompson as hilariously PC Valkyrie. Thompson proved just how bland she can be in Westworld so let's just hope there's not enough of her in this movie to bring the quality down.

Josh Brolin who plays Thanos in MCU (aka the dude I have no idea why I'm supposed to give a damn about and who looks terrible make-up-wise) will also be Cable in Deadpool 2. I wish it was Michael Shannon who got the part. First of all Brolin is a wife beater. Second of all Shannon being in this would guarantee the promo tour would be a laugh riot. Reynolds' jokes aren't this good and as in Deadpool only some of those land.

Jude Lawwill play younger Dumbledore in Fantastic Beasts movies. This series is tragic. Eddie Redmayne is the lead. They had Colin Farrell to balance this awfulness in the first movie but they ditched him for bloated Johnny 9 Digits. And now there's Law. Between Depp's and his teeth situation...this is just not good.

Mark Hamill slaughtering people's feels -->

Hated Hurt Locker. Hated Zero Dark Thirty. So you all keep on shouting how Detroitis gonna win all the Oscars I'm just here going 'oh yeah? The Greatest Showman takes Best Picture".

I'm not sure you guys know who Tyrese Gibson is. It's OK, because you really shouldn't. He is an actor who is in The Fast and The Furious movies. But more importantly - he is also a moron. This is his legendary post from August 2016 posted amidst that fake or just very petty and stupid (is there a difference?) The Rock/Diesel feud. But this week Tyrese had this to say.

First of all, why do men do this? Why do they feel the need to tell women how to live? Or how much traffic women should allow in their vaginas? But second of all, what the hell is he saying? That when a woman is single it is because she knows her value? Dude, I'm single because I work in a place where there are no eligible men and I am too tired to go out after work to find any. Unless God is actually out there as this moron seems to claim and God himself blows the roof off my house and throws a guy through there and that guy lands on me, this single lady ain't getting any traffic there any time soon.

Timothy Olyphant almost played the guy Vin Diesel is playing in those movies. That's a shame, if he was in it I'd might have watched more of those than just the ones with Statham in it.

Some people in actual real life tried to use the plot of Manchester by the Sea to cover up the killing of their child.

Vin, in addition to lacking charisma, lacks any shame. Apparently he had the producers remove The Rock and Statham's scene near the end of the new movie because...the audience loved it too much. Statham even said on the red carpet their best scenes didn't make it into the movie.

The first teaser for The Last Jedidropped so it's exciting Easter for the nerds - watching instead of doing...whatever it is that people do for Easter. I liked Ragnarok trailer over this one but it's still really great and I really like the poster.

Make up free photo of Sofia Vergara. Just pointing out to lovely gentlemen readers - if women in your lives were given the same stylists and make up artists they would all look just as good if not better than these movie stars.

They are makingDownton Abbey movie. Fuck knows why they're doing it, but Dowager Countess is in it so I'm psyched.

The first pictures from Kingsman 2have arrived! We also got some cool details about the story in that EW piece. The photos showing up mean the trailer is coming soon!

Here's the line up for this year's Cannes film festival. I care more about that disgusting, sexist poster where they retouched Cardinale than about this. The only things that interest me there are The Beguiled and Twin Peaks revival, of which the first two episodes will be shown there.

Yet another awful poster for Alien: Covenant

Charlie Hunnamis the worst. I so wish this chick had foursome with three extremely well endowed dudes during this time, took a racy video of it and played it for him. He deserves it.

Anthony Hopkinsis out there comparing Bay to Scorsese. Sir, you were in Westworld. You can't say shit like that.

And finally, we are now at the place where all that is left for me to watch on boo kangaroo madness marathon is some early stuff before Hugh came to Hollywood, Pan, Movie 43 (which I just can't...I maintain this one he only did because he got hit with too many panties in his face and decided he needs to do something to repel those women), something called Butter, that Oscars ceremony he hosted and of course the rewatch of Les Mis.

So what I'm saying is that I'll probably watch The Prestige again this weekend.

For the second time this month I announced on twitter that I'll rewatch Les Mis after I publish RF but thank you shady streaming sites (this is Poland and we can stream things legally here no matter how shady the source, but what price do we pay with our fucked up fauna and awful men as you were informed above):

a change of plans because I'm about to rewatch Logan. I think we all spent the last 34 days wondering what would have happened if I could actually livetweet Logan and verbalize the thoughts that were violently occurring in my mind as I watched this beautiful man in all of his tired, a bit homeless, please let me tend your wounds and feed you strawberries, sir, bearded glory.

It's seriously even more embarrassing that after it was pointed out how gross it was that they retouched the photo, they still didn't change it and just have that poster up. I really hope one of the women there says something about this, it's so wrong

I, for one, hope you don't get arrested or killed, lol. I couldn't make it through Australia. That first half was relentlessly boring. It put me to sleep twice and I haven't bothered going back. I need to watch the Thor and Last Jedi trailers. I'll do that in a few minutes. Tyrese...sigh. Thanks for the link!

Either I'm too used to your RF's or this seemed just a regular Friday with a few more penis references thrown in... oh well, I guess I'm saying keep them coming, cause I love them!

I liked Thor's trailer more than Last Jedi's as well, Thor was more fun and out of the box and more surprising in all ways possible. This might be the first Thor movie I actually love,, because so far I've watched them and just enjoyed them.

"Dude, I'm single because I work in a place where there are no eligible men and I am too tired to go out after work to find any." - THIS! IS! SO! TRUE! I literally feel the same and plus, I've now had this stupid health issue taking up most of my free time for almost 10 months, with 0-sick leave days during this thing. And I don't even have a pet to come home to.. So yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about!

Hunman seemed so okay... and then he did that.. it's like I can't have nice things, everything has to be ruined. I was looking forward to King Arthur and now the expectation are tainted with negative feelings.

BUT... to end on a good note.. I can't wait for another Twitter convo.. sometimes those things give me hope and joy throughout the week, no matter how silly they seem. Plus, I can't wait for those unfiltered thoughts during Logan. I know they will be amazing!!

First Thor is actually my favorite MCU movie, the second was disappointing though :/

Why didn't you get any sick leave days for that? That seems awful! Yeah at least I have Gustav and he usually does something to cheer me up

Yeah I really...went wild with my livetweets this week :P I wish Hugh made more movies...but there's always stuff to rewatch as I'm sure before the year is over I'll see Logan many many times again. It's just so fantastic, loved it even more on a rewatch. I'm glad those stupid twitter convos I start cheer people up :P

GOOD HEAVENS those water bucket gifs can't be from an actual movie - can they?!I goddamn LOVE that new Star Wars poster. My Adam Driver hypre is kicking into overdrive, and my only saving grace is that I can attempt to blame it on pregnancy hormones!

I hope Star Wars The Last Jedi isn’t a Empire Strikes Back-rehash w/Luke as Yoda, the poster + teaser are intense though. I agree The Prestige is fun to rewatch. Thanks for the link to Cannes line-up, I missed that one as I was on vacation.

I am pretty sure it will be rehash :/ The Force Awakens was pretty much the safest movie in the history just going through the same motions as A New Hope and I doubt Disney allowed much creative freedom on the next one

lol, it's been a while since I've seen The Last Stand, but I actually don't recall ever even noticing that his pants stay on throughout that whole scene where he's being torn apart. That's so ridiculous to think about, now that you mention it.

I find it interesting how the only genuinely interesting villain to come out of the MCU thus far came from the first Thor in the form of Loki, and now it looks like the first next interesting villain will also be coming from a Thor movie as well. Totally can't wait to see what Cate Blanchett does with this role.

And damn, that Josh Brolin announcement for Deadpool really doesn't do much for me, but since you bring it up, I'm suddenly disappointed that we won't be seeing Michael Shannon in that role instead. :(

I'm still here hoping that Alien Covenant will be decent. Not necessarily good, but decent. That poster is OKAY, but I've been somewhat digging the trailers they've released. I hope they've learned that less is more...

First, I love your blog. Never posted here before but followed it for a while.Just wanted to ask, in a week full of great movie trailers, did you catch the one for Atomic Blonde? Was right at the beginning of the week before Thor so it got a bit lost but it was all sorts of wonderful. Charlize Theron looks amazing

Thanks for the link! Nice to read your thoughts on Hacksaw Ridge. I thought it was pretty good too. Despite how I personally feel about Mel, you can't deny that that man can craft a damn good action sequence with, as you said, little money and time.

Mel is a good director for sure. I really respect the fact he can do something so well with such budget, the movies these days costs so much it really seems like a colossal waste of money even if they turn out good. Marvel leads in that, I read the final Avengers costs close to 1 billion...that's insane

oh and you just have to see hunt for the wilderpeople. The dog scene isn't gratuitous, its just sad and makes you feel for the characters more. Its nothing malicious. I love and own dogs too but the 'Hunt...' movie is really nothing compared to, say, High Rise, where a dog is chucked into a pool to drown for no apparent reason other than the anarchy of the place (though I do still love that movie).

In Hunt... it makes sense and is a strong emotional moment. Its an amazing movie sati, you wouldn't even need to fast forward much to skip the dog part. I just don't want you to miss out on one of the best movies from last year!!

BTW, you liked Hacksaw??? Despite the 20 minute interlude that was straight out of a typical rom-com? I really seem to be the only person who thought that movie was shite. I mean, maggots in rotting corpses? Really Mel?

High-Rise was just so bad and that scene was one of the many reasons why. I loved the production design and Luke Evans was terrific but the whole film just seemed like such a wasted opportunity and it was all kinda pointless

I may give it a shot...I'm midway my vacation, though, so no dead dogs this week :)

I heard before that people thought the beginning of Hacksaw was corny but I didn't think it was that bad...however I saw it in between dozens of rom coms and X-Men movies so really how corny can something look to me these days ^^