My 2-and-a-half-year-old grandson still sleeps in bed with his parents. My daughter and her husband have tried to put him in his own bed, but he still winds up in theirs. We are expecting another grandchild any day now and I think this will pose a problem with the sleeping arrangements. Can you help?

Signed, Worried Grandma

Dear Worried,

As challenging as it may be for your daughter and son-in-law to have a toddler in their bed while caring for a newborn, this isn't the time to try to enforce a major change in your grandson's sleeping habits. Even if his parents were to convince their child to sleep in his own room, once his new brother or sister arrives, there's a good chance he would revert back to climbing into mommy and daddy's familiar bed in the middle of the night as he adjusts to big changes in his little life. The last thing you want is to fuel sibling rivalry by "kicking him out" of his parents' bed just when the baby arrives, without giving him time to comfortably transition to his own room.

For most of human history, families have slept together, and in many parts of the world, they still do. While I'm not arguing for or against co-sleeping, I will say that there is plenty of evidence to suggest that children do fine when they sleep with new babies in their midst. I'll also say that your daughter's dilemma is extremely common; one of the issues I deal with most frequently in working with young families is the difficulty parents have in getting children out of their beds! It takes persistence, consistency and determination; qualities that are in short supply when parents bring home a newborn!

The people I would be most concerned about are your daughter and her husband. Given the disruption a new baby is going to bring to their nights, I wouldn't add the challenge of repeatedly walking a toddler back to his own bed in their sleep-deprived state, which is what they will have to do to train their son to sleep all night in his room.

Given the fact that your daughter is due any day, I'd suggest you offer your babysitting services so the new mom (and dad) can catch a few good naps and a bit of alone time. If your grandson is willing to spend the night with you now and again, that will be terrific. You may even offer to sleep at your daughter's house when the baby comes, inviting your grandson to have a slumber party with you in the guest room to break the routine of sleeping in Mommy's bed. In a few months, when your grandson has had time to adjust to the baby, his parents can revisit training him to sleep in his own room.

Meanwhile, congratulations on your growing family. Have fun, and enjoy this next chapter in grandparenting!

Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama

AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

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They won't? Really? I did. Wow. Thanks for telling me I can't do something I did.

It does not get worse. Many kids are afraid of the dark, some who suffer through autisim need that closeness. It depends on how the parent handles it. Just because they co-sleep doesn't mean it's going to turn into a problem.

@ KristinaYou obviously are in a bit of denial. The reasons you listed as far as a mentally challenegd child may make some but because a kid is scared of the dark or whatever doesnt mean you let them sleep in the bed with you. You may go into thier room until they sleep and get them to see thier bed as a comfort zone but letting them sleep in yours nightly causes many future emotional issues of dependency and anxiety in kids meaning ahving kids who are older then 2 wanting to be in a parents bed. Thats not healthy and not normal. Those other countries except it based on thier ability as they space and money limit sleeping quarters and may by need make co sleeping a must. We have room in most homes for a childs room. It teaches independence and boudaries. Anyone who allows thier child in the bed for an extended time is really hurting the menatl development of that child and are being a weak parent for not setting and enforcing boudaries.Crying,begging and tantrums should not be rewarded.

I just have a question about all of this. When you have a baby the biggest rule they try to embed in your skull is never let your baby sleep in your bed you could role over on them. So why is it its such a problem to have your toddler or young child sleep in their own bed? Why did you let it even start?

Seems to me like folks who let their kids share their bed every night......there's a problem with the husband/wife relationship. I mean, unless they can't afford a separate room for the kids. What about intimate time with your spouse? What about being away from the little snot factory for a few house of peaceful sleep?

Kelly, clearly you are not a parent. You can have sex anywhere. It does not have to be at night and in a bedroom and that little "snot factory" is something that both parents probably love more than anything. You view them as an inconvienence, while the parent views them as precious. There is nothing wrong with co-sleeping. In fact, NOT allowing your child to co-sleep if they're young and afraid to be by themselves could do damage.

IMHO, Grandma needs to back off, AKA "butt out." If she doesn't, she is sure to cause resentment between herself and her daughter and/or son-in-law in the future (if she hasn't already) just by voicing her opinion. Her daughter's family is NOT her family to raise. As new parents, we have all made mistakes, and fortunately the ones I made did not have life-long implications. This toddler is only two and a half years old... Think about it... This child has only been on the Earth for a short time and he is expected to be "all grown up" because another baby is on the way? I think Grandma has control issues, AdviceMama...

Ginger, did you not even read the question? The grandmother sounds as though she is writing FOR the parents. They have been trying to get their son OUT OF THEIR BED and have been unsuccessful. Your response sounds as if YOU are the one with issues with your own parents, the question sounds as if a caring grandmother is trying to help her daughter and SIL with a problem they have been unable to resolve. Perseverence and persistancy are all these parents need...and if they don't start developing some backbone soon, their children are going to be just two more self absorbed youngsters thinking the world revolves around them because their parents convinced them it did!

There's nothing wrong with Grandma's opinion, since she's the one who will have to help with the 2-year old. Grandma will have to sleep with the kid, too! The big issue with children sleeping in their own beds, to me, is that they have to learn to put themselves to sleep. That is something everyone HAS to do for themselves. It's much better to go through the work of training them to their own rooms as soon as they outgrow the crib.They can always share their parents' bed occasionally. My two sons slept with me if they were ill or scared....but understood those were usually the ONLY two reasons. Once they were trained, they were used to it.Besides, if the toddler isn't trained, they'll soon have two toddlers in bed with them!

I know a couple who let their young child sleep between them. That child (who is autistic) still sleeps between his parents at age 20. The husband has been unhappy with the situation for a long time but his objections have been ignored.

We had let our son sleep with us also...the years past and it became a problem...lol...he was 12yrs old, on the Little League All Star team and still in our bed. I told him i was going to ask his team how many of them sleep with mom and dad...lol...that was the end of that! (and no, i never would have embarrassed him in that way)

Teresa, there is no law saying that sex has to take place in the bedroom, or at night. There's no rule of nature that prevents humans from becoming aroused during the daytime when the child might not be home. Most married people can find another place to have sex if the child is in there bed. You know, the couch, the shower, etc. Hell, even the bed when the child isn't in it.I realize not everyone is creative, but really, it's not that hard to figure it out.

LAZY PARENTS.KIDS BELONG IN THEIR OWN BEDS.IT IS MUCH EASIER TO GIVE IN AND LET THEM STAY IN THE BED WITH YOU.EVERY NOW IN THEN OK,BUT OTHERWISE A BAD HABIT FOR ALL. IF BABY IS TOO SMALL,IT CAN BE ACCIDENTALLY SMOTHERED.HOW DID BABY 2 GET CONCIEVED? THEY WENT INTO BABY 1`S ROOM!BG

When my 11-year-old was 4 I started moving her out of my bed. She would fall asleep in my bed and I'd move her to a small bed I had set up in my room. Eventually around 5 or 6 she moved into her own room. I'm doing that now with my 3 year old son. He falls asleep in my bed and I move him into the firetruck bed he picked out that is set up next to mine. Eventually, when he is ready, he'll spend the whole night there and within a few years be in his own room. Sticking small children in rooms all by themselves just can't be the healthiest way for children. My children are healthy, happy and quite confident.

my daughter is 2.5yrs and is autistic and she sleeps with me(hubby works nights) because i don't want her sleeping with my in-laws(they're staying with us). they're in her room and i don't want her to get used to sleeping with them again. her deal is, she doesn't want to be alone. after she wakes a few hours bed time, she has ti go everywhere with me. the kitchen, the bathroom, to get her baby brother. i just can't shut her out of my room and let her cry at night, because then her brother will wake up and she'll get into everything since my bedroom is off of the kitchen.