Kevin Spacey: ‘I am now gay and therefore cannot be a seuxal predator’

As he bravely left the closet, screaming ‘Pride!’, waving a rainbow flag, and kissing a picture of Barbara Streisand, Spacey braced himself for the inevitable cavalcade of allegations that are about to come his way.

In a shockingly sly PR move to distract from the sexual misconduct allegations against him dropped a whole 28 minutes previously – by a former CHILD actor – Spacey said: “Everyone knows allegations pre-2015 do not count. I don’t even remember that long ago. Who does? Point is, I’m gay now, and practically a fucking icon. No one ever accuses Everett do they? And his career isn’t half what mine’s been. Why do people suddenly hate powerful gay men so much?”

When questioned about allegedly sexually assaulting a 14 year-old boy, he emphasised that far from sexual assault, this was basic dramatic training: “Every boy in Hollywood – all of them – went through exactly this, and do you hear them complaining? A formerly straight man lying atop a nubile wannabe actor is practically all they do at RADA. Anyway, I’m gay now – a proud, gay man who has struggled to get to this point – and I think that’s what we need to remember.”

We reached out to RADA, and they vehemently denied Spacey’s claim.

“Anyway,” Spacey concluded, “I thought sexual assault was meant to be a women’s problem. I can’t believe he’s distracting from their plight by focusing on me – esteemed actor Kevin Spacey – I mean did you see The Usual Suspects? – and proud, gay individual. Shameful.”