The 10 Commandments of Driving in Tuscaloosa

Do drivers in Tuscaloosa drive you crazy? Our 10 Commandments of Tuscaloosa Drivers may give you a laugh, so check it out!

*This is a joke, btw--don't do this stuff! If you do, chances are you're the one who's driving me crazy!*

1. Don't use a turn signal. You don't need to do so, as the drivers here are psychic and can read your mind.

2. Always come to a complete stop before turning right, especially if another driver is behind you. Again--do NOT use a turn signal. You want to just stop abruptly and make other people slam on their breaks. You're worth it!

3. If you're in the far left lane and need to turn right, just cut across all the other lanes of traffic at once. Do it in one swift, jerking movement. The goal here is to make everyone wonder if you're suffering from involuntary muscle movements or if you're just a butthole.

4. If you're on I 20/59 do not, under any circumstances, attempt to drive the speed limit. You've got to go a full 30 mph above whatever's posted.

5. If you feel you cannot drive the required 100 mph of the interstate, then drive exactly 61 mph in the middle lane of 20/59. This is essential; if you don't, people won't be able to pass you on the right before cutting over to the far left lane and almost cause a serious wreck.

6. If a traffic light turns red and you're still waiting, just go. Your schedule is obviously more important than other drivers' safety. This is especially true for every light along McFarland Boulevard. Signals do not apply to McFarland. It's basically the Wild West out here.

7. Make sure you text and drive. Just be on your phone 24/7. Again, you are soooo much more important than everyone else. About to get in a wreck? Better Snap it! Attempting to merge on to the interstate is a PERFECT time to send that Facebook message.

8. Parking your vehicle? Take up two, three, however many spots you want. No one in this city needs to park but you, you special superstar.

9. Are you elderly? Feel free to take out your massive Cadillac at peak drive times, but be sure to drive 25 mph literally everywhere you go. Taaaaaaaaake. Youuuuuuur. Tiiiiiiiiiiiime.

10. You know what--just do whatever you want whenever you want. No one in this town is as special and wonderful as you. Show exactly zero consideration or respect for life and property. The goal here is to cause other drivers to either have a rage stroke or yell as many curse words as possible. You do you, superstar!