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Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Abuse is not...

There are many myths surrounding Domestic Abuse. These myths not only
create a society where women are not supported to speak out against abuse and
where abusers feel justified in their abuse, but they also mean that many women
in abusive situations are unable to even comprehend that what is happening to
them is abuse. This means that they stay trapped for longer.

So today I want to start a new series. This is my ‘Abuse is not…’ series which
explains what abuse ISN’T. Every Wednesday I will talk about what myths I believed when I
was in my abusive relationship, and using examples from that relationship I
will explain how I now realise I was wrong.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE share this blog series with as many women as you can. If
even one woman reads these posts and comprehends the reality of her situation
we have saved another person from enduring what I endured for so long, and that
is good. The truth about abuse is that it is everywhere. Anyone can be affected by abuse and most
people who know them will have no idea. So please share, because you DO know
people affected by domestic abuse, whether you realise it or not.

So here’s my first post…

Abuse is not: Only abuse if you’re being punched/ kicked/ hospitalised.

Abuse creeps up on you slowly. I genuinely didn’t realise that I was
being abused, despite the fact that by the end I was often bruised or tender
somewhere from my husband’s violence.

I thought if he’d done it ‘by accident’ by ‘not realising his own strength’ or
just ‘lashing out’; then that was different to intentionally setting out to do
me physical harm. In reality, ALL abusive men say “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” None of us really know their intentions, but
that doesn’t really matter does it. They did
cause harm and they did have a choice
not to.

My husband only actually “beat me up” punching me repeatedly once. He was more
inclined to grab me under the chin and shout in my face, or push me up against
a wall/door/kitchen counter, often bruising my back or shoulders. He would grab
me and hold me whilst shouting at me or block the doorway and refuse to let me
leave. Sometimes he’d shout so much and
so close to my face he’d be spitting in my face. I didn’t see any of this as “abuse”
because I wasn’t being punched, kicked or hospitalised. Regardless of whether bones are broken or
marks are left, regardless of whether it’s a loss of control or a calculated
premeditated act, all these are acts of violence, they are all against the law,
they are all assault and all abuse. The
same if they are done to your child.

In addition I thought abuse happened on a daily basis. This is not the
case. Abuse cycles, there will be an
explosion- sometimes an act of violence but not necessarily; it could be
shouting or crying or attempting suicide.

http://www.respect4women.org/what-is-abuse/the-cycle-of-abuse/

This will be followed by what is
termed “the honeymoon period” at this stage he re-builds your confidence that
he’s a good guy. These are the ” highs” that most abuse victims feel make up for “the
lows” during this time you will feel loved and special and as though your
relationship is “just meant to be.” Slowly you’ll find yourself in the next
phase of the cycle, “tension building” this is the time he is simmering, he’s
moody and bad tempered, nothing you do is right, you’re walking on eggshells
trying to make him happy, trying to get back to the honeymoon phase. Instead
this phase ends with an explosion and the whole thing starts again. At first
these cycles could last a year or more and slowly, ever so slowly they got
shorter and shorter until they were happening on an almost daily basis. The fact
that what we traditionally deem to be abuse was happening infrequently led me
to believe I wasn’t being abused. In truth the whole cycle is abuse, because
the whole cycle is about keeping the victim under control.

Finally abuse is not always physical, and even when it is it’s unlikely to be
JUST physical. Abuse is about maintaining control of the other person and most
abusers will not turn to violence as a means to do that if there is another
way. Emotional abuse was by far a bigger part of my relationship than anything
else. I could write a book detailing the emotional abuse he inflicted on me
but the easiest way to sum it up is this:

If you spend your time walking
on eggshells, changing the way you act, dress, speak or think either because of
someone else’s emotional reaction to it or because of the way someone else has
made you feel then chances are you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Not all emotionally abusive relationships will lead to physical
violence but you can guarantee that most physically violent relationships will
have started as emotional abuse.

For me I spent years thinking “it’s not that bad I’ll leave if he…..”
and then when he did I’d just move that boundary a bit further. By the time he
actually beat me up I didn’t even know where the boundaries were anymore. He had been abusing me for about 12 years. I
was broken, his constant emotional abuse had led me to a place where I made
excuses for him without realising I did it, where I was unable to think
rationally or clearly, where I couldn’t imagine a life without him and where
leaving was as scary as staying, so I still didn’t leave. I would urge anyone
who thinks they are being abused to act now, not to put it off until it gets
worse, because it will get worse and it may be too late by then.

For more information about whether to spot if you are in an
emotionally abusive relationship check out these links…..