Friday, July 31, 2009

Well when it rains it pours. I have somehow broke off a peice of a back tooth. I don't have many teeth left. Years of drug abuse will do that to your teeth. Anyway....it doesn't hurt, yet! So I can be thankful for that. I don't even know if I have enough money in my HSA to cover this. I am trying real hard to maintain, not freak out. I feel a freakout coming on though...lol. I better laugh ot I'll cry....laughing is better.

I am still up in the air with the garnishment. I have even lost hope that that will turn out fair. The man helping me at the local level won't return my calls. I am just going to have to get used to the fact that this will happen and make the needed adjustments. I am thinking maybe I should move in with my daughter for like 6 months to try to pay it off quick. But then again, I love and LIKE my daughter, but living together could ruin all that. I like my space. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Why I would ever tell them what to do is beyond me ( since I am doing such a bang up job with my own life....kookoo ) I don't know. I have even been to scared to sit down and figure up the numbers. I have got a lead on a 3rd job. Another elder care thing. They want someone 5 days a week, a couple hours a day. That would be good. I could do it. I'd be busy, but I could do it. Less time for mindless eating. I am still taking care of my other gentleman. 92 years old and still sharp as a tack. My son said he'd not moving out till I get this all taken care of. I have such great kids. I could go on and on about how great my kids are. The relationship I have with my kids is the most precious thing in all the world to me.

So I have been eating alot. I have just tried to go with the mind set of....do as little damage as possible. I haven't eaten anything horrible, just eating lots. I have been piggy out on cherries all morning. I might live to regret that.....lol Still walking....ever walking!

I am cutting myself some slack. I am so fearful, still! I am trying to have faith, and I do. I know things will work out. I just hate to have my "boat rocked". I am going to be forced to make changes I should have made a long time ago really. I am going to have to really tighten up. I am no good at it......but I better get that way.....with a quickness!!

Oh goodie.....another opportunity too grow! Damn it. Well I am off to see if I can afford to go to the dentist. Wish me luck! If not, soon I will look like those men on that Bitter Beer commerical. Sad, but true.

Have a good weekend...keep the mood and the food real.....remember what's really important.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I had the most stressful day yesterday. Long story short the goverment insists they over paid me about 6 years ago and they want their money back BAD. It's not even that much money, it's just money that I don't have. In the process of working something out, I am hit with a garnishment. Say goodbye to buying that house.....I was so sad yesterday, and mad, and scared. I am trying to still work it all out. There is still a chance that it is a mistake, since I had already signed a payment argreement.. I guess I wasn't ment to be a homeowner. It's gone on so long with that house now I have all but given up. The noggin is telling me I didn't deserve a house the 1st place. Nothing like making yourself feel worse...stupid noggin.

I am stress eating. Not eating anything awful, I can just feel that I am using food. I am walking up a storm though. I have been trying to just stay busy this week, especially after work. I don't need to be at home feeling sorry for myself and eating myself into a stooper and passing out. Totally used to be my solution for everything. Living my life by default. Just letting life happen to me, instead of setting an intention.

Going to be positive today. Whatever happens, life will go on. How I am going to choose to react? I am not going to live in that kind of fear that sucks the life out of you. My needs are taken care of. That's what is important.

Life is good, really it is. ( note to self ) keep the mood and the food real.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Well I am really liking my new "weight watcher" meeting. We had loads of fun. I brought one of Mr. Sh*t's lists with me to read. I (rather Mr. Sh*t)was the hit of the meeting. I WEIGHED EXACTLY THE SAME. I will SO TAKE IT! I really should have gained. That time on the treadclimber was time well spent. On to this week!

I have been wondering why I have kind of sabotaged myself lately. I have been kind of freaked out that I have managed to loose this much weight. I have been getting lots of people noticing my efforts....then BAM! All of a sudden I don't feel worthy of the praise. Then the CRAZY POWERFUL BRAIN ( see Roxie's post today ) tells me the ever popular lie...."You Don't Deserve It". Then there are the old standbys if that doesn't work......."You haven't suffered enough to loose this much weight", ...."You suck, you're not doing this perfect", ..."You are still fat, why bother". Anyone elses brain a pisser like like that. And that's usually just round one.

I need to get used to this body that I have right now. Almost fifty pounds is alot of weight to loose. It doesn't matter that I am only half done with loosing the weight. I want to love and appreciate this body that I have, right now. I might need time to get used to it, before I loose alot more. I am not in a rush. I haven't done or eaten anything I don't think I could continue to do for a lifetime. I don't workout, I walk. I am going to start some strengthening exercises, but I am no rush. I want to be able to enjoy the journey, for the most part.....lol.

My mood is better today. I feel calmer and more comfortable in my own skin. That's huge! I still have those stupid lingering fears, but today I feel like I won't believe the lies. The more I can trust myself, the calmer and more confident I am.

I am getting better at starting my day out in a spiritual way. Prayer and meditation are so important. I need all the help I can get! Sometimes I get this "bright idea" that I can do it alone...wrong! Getting and STAYING spiritually grounded is time well spent, along with eating right and exercising.

Monday, July 27, 2009

It is so damn hot!! It was 96 degrees here at 5 am. I did not walk outside this morning, but came to work early and got on the treadclimber. After about 10 mins I was sweating up a storm and was dieing to get off. I stuck it for 30 mins and felt like I had done 60 mins. It is getting hard to stay focused. I didn't have a great weekend food wise. I have a weigh in tonight, it will be what it will be.

I went to see The Hurt Locker on Saturday. Pretty good movie! Better then any of that blockbuster crap out this summer. Went out to my daughter's Friday and Saturday nights and had fun. I just seemed so exhausted this weekend. Mood wasn't the best. Of course, I put on a happy face. I just feel so freaking whiney (is that a word) lately. Life is really pretty good. Why can't I see it that way. It is so frustrating.

On a great note......my daughter gave me some really cute size 16 skirts.....that FIT!! I still almost cry to think I can fit into her fat clothes!! I wore one to church yesterday and got all kinds of nice compliments. That made me feel good. I have to remember that one bad weekend, week, day, whatever, does not equal failure!! This is something that I want to do for a lifetime. Life is full of ups and downs. Just like me...ups and downs.

Going to guzzle water today and get ready what is sure to be a kick in the pants weigh in. You reap what you sow....keep the mood and the food real

Ok Friday night....horrible eating. I ate an entire box WW oatmeal cookies. WTF! I hid and ate it in my car. This started at 5 pm. I got out to babysit and I was so tired and too damn full. HATED IT! All I wanted to do was sleep. Didn't spend the night at my daughter's. Drove home late. Slept alittle later. I feel like crap. I am forcing myself to get on the treadclimber. I have made it out of bed and I am at the office to walk. I am putting it off by posting. GRRRR. This is were the rubber meets the road. This is hard....I freaking do not want to get on that stupid thing.

I feel like I am loosing focus. It's not as easy this week as it was last week, when all the crazy crap was happening. Then last night I decide to buy the cookies....Specifically for stuffing my face. This binge was coming. I could feel it. I was "using" food most of the week. I am going to cut myself some slack. Getting off the stupid meds. I read others going thru the same thing this week. I sometimes talk myself into thinking that I am blowing the symptoms up in my mind. That I am being a baby. Well, so what if I am! I will get thru this. I can't feel like this forever. Can I??

Ok, putting the bat down and stepping away from the bat......no more beating myself up. Time to get back to what works. WATER, WALKING, and WATCHING what I eat. The scales were broke at my daughter's. Sometimes I want to sneak a peek. Probably a good thing.

I am struggling to make those good choices.

ONE BAD NIGHT DOES NOT EQUALLY FAILURE -LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT!!!

NSV- I could reach around and scratch my back this morning. CRAZY! I always had to get a back scratcher to do it before. This morning, I just reached around. AWESOME! It surprised the hell out of me.

Going to try to keep the mood and the food real. Ok, treadclimber here I come!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Feeling sluggish and foggy again today. I would love to put together more then 3 goods days in row. That would awesome.

I ate out too much yesterday. Made good choices, but came home and ate alittle more. Good stuff, but stuff anyway. I was eating and I wasn't really hungry. I have noticed that I am eating to put myself to sleep. Not a good thing. I have been doing this for about a month now. This week my effort with food has been good. Except for yesterday, and then it was just so-so. Nothing bad, just eating myself too full a few times. Water hasn't been the greatest. Need to kick it up over the weekend.

Babysitting tonight and a sleep over at my daughter's. I will walk out there in the morning. I have some podcasts I want to listen. It will be nice to walk myself. I like my buddies, but sometimes I want to walk alone, to think.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

I am just so sad..... I just heard on my local news about 4 boys aged 9-14 that lured an 8 year old girl into a closet, then they took turns raping her. Then the girl's family blame her for the attack, and say she has brought shame to their family.. The little girl is in CPS custody because of it. A group of immigrants from the same African country live in the same apartment complex. The boys and the girl lived in the same complex. Actually, it might be a good thing in the long run for the girl. Hopefully they can place her with a good foster family. That's how I am going to choose think about it. Otherwise I would be just TOO heartbroken. Life is difficult......that's for certain.

Eating and exercise is great. Making good choices. Knee is feeling better. I am in a good space as far as all that stuff goes. Slept better last night. Knee feeling better. Mood is better too. Had a great time with my grandkids last night. They make me laugh! I still feel alittle foggy, but nothing like before. All physical symptoms are gone.

Trying to get a budget together for myself. Sticking to it is the real tough part. I was kind of freaked out when my son told me he wanted to move, but I am feeling better today about it. Not the him moving out part, ....I freaked about the money thing. How it will effect me? Wish I didn't have to worry about money. Who doesn't?!

Going to a movie tonight with a friend. "The Hurt Locker". Anyone seen it? It's about guys that diffuse bombs. I thought it was a documentary, but my friend has seen it and said it isn't.

Saw this teaser on the news this morning that said that obese people and addicts have something in common. I didn't have time to hear the story, but HOLY HELL! I wonder how much that study cost!! Could it be ADDICTION!!! FOOLS! I could have told them that for nothing! I should maybe skip the news for awhile....lol. Gets me all riled up!

That's it for today. I am not leaving too many comments lately. I follow so many blogs, sometimes it's hard to leave a comment on each one. I am trying to limit my "blog time". Mr Sh*t recently did a funny list of things indicating you are a blog addict. Funny, and true...ouch!

Keep the mood and the food real. Be impeccable with your word...still practising...lol

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Had a great day yesterday. Kind of long. I am not sleeping as well I as would like, but that is so minor compared to what I was going thru last week, I won't whine too much about it.

We had book club last night. I love book club. I love the women that are in my group and it's just a fun time. This month's book was The Four Agreements. I love the agreements themselves. #1 Be impeccable with your word. This doesn't mean just be honest, it also means that you want to try to "cast good spells" with your words. I choose to think of good spells as good energy. I have really tried to focus on that . Since like attracts like I have tried to be positive,(mostly about other people) it seems to work. How about that! lol It's amazing to me how hard it is to really follow thru on that intention. Practice Practice Practice!

I was back to outside walking this morning with both my buddies. It was so HOT and JUICEY out there. Almost hard to breath. I was ringing wet when I got home. Anyway that cyst in the back of my is letting me know it's still there. Did 3 miles, but had to go kind of slow towards the end. It might be the treadclimber making the thing flare up. We'll see how I do today.

My 20 year old son who lives with me has told me he wants to move in with some friends. I don't blame him. My townhouse is so little, and really what 20 year old wants to live with their mom....no matter how cool she is....lol. So since I have kind of been depending on him for half the rent, I have mixed feelings. He is not going for 6 weeks or so, so that gives me chance to figure things out financially. I really am bad with money. That is another thing I have been working on. It's seems that I do have better self control with my spending when I am showing self control with my health. So I am getting better. It's not like I make a huge amount of money anyway, but still. Being frugal is a virtue, at least I think it is.

I am still waiting to hear on that house I put a bid in months ago. It's in a short sale and banks are backed up. If I get the house I think he will probably come with me, but we are just too on top of each other in this cracker jack box we live in now. I hope so bad that I get the house. I want to be closer to my daughter and her family. Not to mention the tax break and tax credit I will get this year. I have been pretty laid back about it. Trying not to feel like I am forcing it to happen. Even though I have no control over the bank, in my mind sometimes I want something so bad I BELIEVE I can make it happen. This is a big change for me. Just doing my best then being patient on the results is something new. Feels dang good. If it is suppose to happen it will happen. Doing your best is the 4th agreement!

Food has been good. No binging, not even over the weekend from hell. Water could be better too. All in all I feel good about my choices. Check out Roxie's blog, http://gravelandrust.blogspot.com/. She has a great link to an interesting site. It's all about choices. Rarely are you forced to make major choices. It's the million of small, seemly unimportant choices, that make up our lives. That becomes habit.

Going out to see my grandkids today. It's been almost a week since I have seen them and I miss the little devils. It's the library and McD's small ice cream for an outing this afternoon. I love doing this with the boys! The girls are still too little to really enjoy it.

Keep the mood and the food real......be impeccable with your word, especially with yourself.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Thank you for all your encouraging and supportive feedback. You've got my heart.

Feeling much better after a weekend of just checking out. I slept most of Saturday and Sunday.....no problem. I did go for a 3 miler on Saturday and I kicked ass on the treadclimber yesterday and today. My food wasn't stellar, I just focused on good for me foods. This morning the physical side effect were all but gone. I feel like I am coming out the other side of this hell. I really believe that sticking with the exercise (uping it really ) is what made the difference. Well that and the sleep. I had not slept well for about a week. I wake up at least 2 times a night normally, so I was getting very little good sleep. I am still alittle weepy, but feeling positive also, where Saturday it just all seemed so shitty.

I am getting a new "weigh in" weight. I am no longer going to WW meeting. I am going back to a night weigh in on Monday. Starting tonight I will weigh in with a group of friends and then we are going to decide what we want our meeting to be like. I am quite excited about saving $50 something a month. I am not really counting points, so I am really just going for the face to face accountability I feel I need right now. I like the meetings too.

So I am weighing in on a new scale......cut to this evening..... the new scale was kind and told me 216 even. so that's a loss of like .8 lbs. I forgot to look at what I weighed last week. I think that's a positive sign...lol.

The new meeting was fun. We are going to learn to do water aerobics via youtube in the hosts backyard pool....so nice! I think it will be great. The one hubs that is there is totally into the "mind game" aspect of looosing weight. He reminds me of my dad....thinks he knows it all (my sister's laughing at this) We will share emails and fun stuff too. Encouragment, where to find the cheapest groceries. They offered their pool 3 nights a week for the aerobics. I am super tired but I wanted to share 2 things with you

#1- The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. Love this book. I haven't liked a story this much in a long time. Has anyone else read it?

#2- The new Rob Thomas CD....love this CD!! Is anyone else crazy about this CD or am I just an old fart that doesn't know music anymore??

I have had a long, tiring, day. I am going to bed and watch some mindless TV......gee, how about the news....lol ....Keep the mood and the food real.....or as Roxie says "get your head right and your ass will follow."

Sunday, July 19, 2009

**Prepare, this is going to long, and probably interesting to only me....consider yourself warned**

I haven't wanted to post anything for the past 2 days. Since I have been consumed by the following. I have been SLOWLY tampering off of Zoloft. I tried to do it myself earlier this year, but the physical symptoms were just really hard to deal with. So I have been under a doctors care. Things were going along great until this last week, when I was able to stop the med altogether. However, ever since I have been having these crazy feelings. Emotional, PARANOID, high anxiety. I feel like maybe I really did need the Zoloft. Then I start reading online about all the different withdrawal symptoms. I am pissed. These are just a few of the symptoms that it listed, all of which in the past week has been my GOLIATH, at one time or another. Highly emotional, thoughts of suicide, and anxiety How sad that when you stop using a prescribed psychotic medication, it makes you feel crazier then when you started.......to the point that I thought well maybe I really needed to start taking it again.

Then I remembered what happened to me last time I tried to get off of Paxil (another antidepressant). I was having very believable dreams that I was killing people and then putting the bodies thru a meat grinder. Pretty FREAKIN scary stuff!! I rode it thru, and I felt better, though I don't remember how long it took. That's what I am going to do this time as well. I am under a doctor's care, but I am not taking that crap anymore! Maybe it was all the brain cells I fried during my meth addiction, but I can't take antidepressants. THEY F*CK ME UP. You don't really feel like they are messing around with your brain until you stop taking them. At least for me. IAMNOTCRAAYIAMNOTCRAZYIAMNOTCRAZY!!!

So....I haven't been in a very good place. I have been foggy, confused, weepy, suspicious, and so tried that I can't think properly. Better living thru medicine my ass...........THIS SUCKS.On the food/healthy lifestyle side of my life. Well food has been ok, not great but really good. Exercise has been KICK ASS. I did 45 mins at a 7 incline with a 2.8 speed. That my friends, is virgin territory by a long shot. I was so happy with it I cried all the way home (weepy, see I told you).This too shall pass. I feel alittle better just writing about it.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Sometimes my life just seems so boring. Nothing big ever really happens. I just go about the business of living life. Then something happens that makes you really grateful for that boring life. Yesterday one of the guys that does maintenance where I work was shot and killed. I guess he walked in on a robbery over drugs or something like that. They found him in the doorway and another man was killed inside the home also. Totally freaked me out. He was a nice kid and I had just talked to him hours before he was shot. I knew he was having a hard time. His wife had just kicked him out. I figured his problems were drug related. It's very sad. I am so grateful I was able to leave that type lifestyle behind. I am grateful for my boring little life and for the blessing of being clean. My life could have been SO MUCH WORSE!! I got away with few consequences for the kind of life I was living.

I weighed at WW this morning and was DOWN 4.2 lbs. Bringing the total loss to 47.2 lbs. Feeling really good, happy with results of a really hard week. I just had a hard time with getting my walks in and staying on track with food. But I made time for the walking!! Food wasn't perfect, but better then the week before.

So I push onward and downward. I can't believe I am so close to Onederland and so close to having 50 lbs gone!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The "motley crew" I love this picture All those who helped us celebrate

Sweet Tatum....

This is a great picture of Alivia

All in all it was an awesome day!

One weight related thing...I have lost over 40 lbs, yet when I look at the pictures taken of me yesterday I think I look SO FAT. Cause I still am fat, this I am well aware of. The thing I hate is how the pictures made me feel. I was very critical of them, of me!...that's why there is no pics of me. Body image is a tricky thing. When I was fat I thought I looked ok ( when I looked in the mirror, pictures showed the hard truth). Now that I am thinner, I think I look fatter. Oh yea, this thing is center in MY MIND....not my stomach!

Thanks for all the wonderful, loving and sweet comments from yesterday....You all have got my heart. It's a privledge to be in "your company".

Monday, July 13, 2009

Weekend was good, movie was cute (if your kids will wait...wait till DVD). Made it onto the treadclimber Sat and Sun....30 mins went so slow, but I did it. It just seems so much harder then normal walking. My one walking buddy is back from her Austria trip. I went to her house and walked around her neighborhood this morning. 3 miles. Nice change of pace. Food was pretty good, just the same old. Too much of good stuff is still too much. Not going to beat myself up too much. Heavier damage avoided, so good for me.....we will see come Wed morning. I switched my WI day to Wed starting this week.

Today is a short day at work. It's my 2 granddaughter's adoption today. I have felt really emotional all morning. I am so proud of my 25 old daughter. She did not roll over and give up when the going got tough, and it did get very tough!! scary! She is a Warrior Mother for these 2 sweet little girls, and for the 2 sweet little boys that have already been adopted. I don't think the State of Arizona knew who they were messing with. She is a great advocate for foster children. When she 1st told me she wanted to adopt kids this way I was skeptical. Was this just a knee jerk response to being given her PCOD diagnosis? Was she ready and mature enough to handle all that was to come?? CPS has been known to be hard to work with, and I had heard horror stories of foster parents done wrong. Boy, did I under estimate her! She went into it with her trademark determination and her positive attitude ( almost a sheer force of will....lol). Again...I am so proud to be her mother.

I can't forget my son-in-law. He is the best father and husband. She picked a good one with this kid. He is totally hands on with his kids and on his days off he lets HER sleep as late as she wants! She couldn't have done without him!! I am so proud of him too....and I never miss a chance to tell them just that!!

So I am out the door, there is a party after the court. My daughter is pretty good about having healthy choices, so no worries there. I need to step up to H20. Will try to post some pics tomorrow.

happy monday......do something good without anyone knowing!!! It will freak 'em out!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

My grandson said "Let's get this party started, GeGe" ! He makes me laugh. We are eating strawberries and Kashi waffles. Ice Age:Dawn of the Dinosaurs here we come! Missed my walk this morning ,due to the sleepover, so I will be hitting the treadclimber this afternoon. I hated not walking this the morning. I like to get it over with early! I get freaked out thinking I will run out of time if I wait till later, then I won't do it. No Excuses.....I will walk!

No worries, though, cause this is life, Nothing beter then watching a 3 year try to eat an ice cream before it melts.......pure entertainment! Today my goal is to stay in the moment and enjoy THAT MOMENT. Make the best choices I can, and not beat myself up.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Today is to be awesome.....so let it be written, so let it be done!! I am hanging tough. Made good food choices and kicked butt walking this morning. I sweat my ASS OFF in this heat and humidity. Feels so good!

Even though yesterday was hard, and it was hard, I did not resort to food to deal. I cleaned! It worked wonders. It makes me feel so much better when things are neat and tidy. Plus it feels good to accompish something and see the results right away.

I also have been worried about my finances. I lost my part time income at the 1st of the year, and I was doing ok till my power bill more then double this summer and gas went up too. Anyway, good news! I got another P/T job. Taking care of an elderly man in his home a few days a week. It will be a geat P/T job. It won't make up for all the money I lost, but it totally will help me out. I love old people and the meaner they are the more I like them.....lol! They are usually so grateful for all you do for them.

Also, I am picking up my 3 year old grandson this evening for some swimming, a sleep over and then a movie tomorrow morning.

I really needed to get out of myself. When I am consume with self, I AM MISERABLE!!! (note to self...lol)

So have a great weekend, what ever you do......stick it out thru the tough times and you will be rewarded...........keep the mood and the food real

P.S. I just finished reading I Am The Mesenger by Markus Zusak......SO GOOD!!! I highly Recomend this sweet story.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Feeling weepy, not sure what's going on. I feel like having a good cry. Maybe I will go see My Sister's Keeper. I hear it's worth a good sob. Nothing really going on different in my life, in general. So life is good, I just don't see it that way today, or for like the last week. My perception has changed. Not liking it a bit. Feeling kind of anxious too. Good for me....whoppee, another chance to grow. If I can make it thru to the other side without causing too much damage, I feel like I grow a little. All be it, usually very little.

I call this being at dis-ease. Not at ease. Tense, fearful, emotional. My "dis-ease" is always self centered in nature....always! I used to use dope when I felt like this. Then after I got clean, I started using food. I gained 80 lbs after I got clean. It worked. Same thing with the dope. It worked......... till it didn't.

Food just doesn't fix my emotions. I know that. I can"feel" it for real ( not just knowing it in my head ) when I don't give in and binge. So I have all these emotions that I refuse to eat over. I am kind of pissed off, cause I don't want to feel fear and sadness and anger and gulit....FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

I WANT TO FREAKING EAT! More important....I want food to still work. I guess that's what I am pissed off about. Food! the one thing that wasn't suppose to let me down....has let me down.

I keep telling myself "It will pass". AND IT WILL. I have some experience now, and I can count on this crap feeling not lasting. Sucks right now though. Come on Dana, learn the lesson.!! I feel like I am just not getting it. Or maybe I am?

I am sure alot of it hormone stuff too. Life really is good. I continue to make the best choices I can minute by minute. Sometimes that minute is the most important space in time.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Had a hard time sleeping last night. Had a headache that morphed into a brain buster by 4 am. I was sweating and hurling. Tried to get rid of the headache, but had to call and miss my morning walk with my buddy. I came into work to do a few things before I go back home to sleep. It takes alot out of you to be sick all night. Plus the head still hurts, but nothing like this morning.

I decided to walk on the treadclimber here at work. I told myself you just need to to do 30 minutes That's less then half the time I usually walk. So I got on and did the 30 minutes. Man, that thing kicked my ass. I was able to keep a steadier, faster pace. It felt like a better work out, but I missed the great conversations a have with my friend in the morning. Plus 30 mins seemed like forever! I was watching The Closer on the ipod and it died. BORING after that! I might have to switch to this though, cause it is really is hot, even at 5 am.

Thanks for all the great supportive feedback yesterday. I count on all of you for the LOVE. I haven't been so great at leaving comments, and some blogs (like Jo and the Stinkin Thinkin lady) won't allow me to leave a comment. I am reading though. I can't go without that.

Had my daughter's family over for swimming and turkey tacos last night. Lots of fun. I also had my hair cut and colored yesterday. I haven't done that in almost 6 months. I was due. Still haven't put on the 16's to wear, but I am feeling braver...lol.

Be a glass is half full kind of person today........keep the mood and the food real.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

So I was up 1.4 lbs. Not freaking out. I have decided it's more about the anticipation of the weigh in that stresses me. I don't want to have to wait till 6 pm to weigh in. I think about it all day. I say get in early and get it over with. I love the leader I have, so I asked her if she led a meeting in the mornings....so I will be changing my weigh in day to Wed. We will see how that works. How much weight can I loose in 10 days instead of 7.....stayed tuned...lol

I feel ok about the gain. I weighed earlier in the day last week, and I decided yesterday that it was stupid not to eat very much till I weighed....at 6 pm. So I ate a good lunch and drank alot of water! I even had my usual after work snack of a fudgesicle...SF of course.

I wasn't as clean in my eating as I could have been. I am giving myself a break. Last week was hard, what with the stuff going on at work, I really wanted to eat my way through it. Plus it was a long holiday weekend. So all in all, I am going to count last week as a victory as far as a healthy lifestyle goes. I really increased my walking last week, when my knee would allow, so I felt good about that too. I am really no hurry to loose the weight, I just want to be able to "stay the course". For the long haul.

I bought that pair of 16 shorts last week, and I have yet to wear them. Not sure why I am choosing to wear too big clothes still. weird. Plus I have found I am looking at myself more in the mirror. Caring more about what I look like. It can be bad and good. It's nice to give a crap about what I look like again. The flip side is when I am focused on that I usually end up judging my body harshly. So I have been trying to be kind to myself. I am a work in progress.....always in progress, never finished!

Glad to be on the path, headed it the right direction..... Keep the mood and the food real.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Came so close yesterday to checking out for the day into a food coma. I did end up going back to bed for a nice 2 hour nap. Woke up and started to the fridge again. Decided staying home wasn't in my best interest, so I headed out to my daughter's on spent the afternoon there. We had lots of fun, I took the boys to the library and for McD's ice cream cone, extra small. The adults played Yahtzee and Scatagories and just had a good time. I didn't make it to church. I will so glad when my church starts at 9am. 6 more weeks! By 1 pm I have talked (or ate) myself out it. Not proud of that, but that's the way it is.

It's weigh in day at WW. I almost hate to weigh, it's like the number is going to make or break my day. I hate that I "allow" myself to be RULED like that. I am not going to go to WW at noon, like I did last week. I haven't been staying or going to my regular Monday night meeting, and that is all part of success. I want to weigh earlier (noon) so that I can eat after I weigh. STUPID! This isn't about the number on the scale...really......but damn it I can sure make it seem that way.

I had 3 days off work, and I so wish I had 3 more! I am feeling bratty again today. I know it's not all sunshine and rainbows ( that made me laugh, Roxie) but I hate feeling like this. I remember this to shall pass. I need to be positive! I need to be grateful.....and I am. (deep sigh) ok I will work on it.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

My day is not off to a good start. I didn't get home till almost midnight last night......that is SUPER late for me. I didn't wake up till 5 am and didn't get out the door to walk until an hour later. It was so freaking hot. Starting an hour earlier makes all the difference. It was so juicey out there this morning. If anyone tells you that Arizona heat is a dry heat.....don't believe it. It seemed so hard this morning.

My knee is feeling funky, doesn't really hurt, but I can tell it's there. I walked for 40 mins......probably went alittle less then 3 miles. I was just not feeling it. I tired to make the best choices yesterday. The brekkie place didn't have anything really healthy. I left a plate of chessey potatoes (on the way to the bathroom I told the waitress to take it away) and gave away the biscuit, after having a little taste. I LOVE both! So that was a victory. At the bbq I had WW sloppy joes and serving of fruit and macaroni salad. And lots of fruit. They went to the fireworks and I stayed back with the girls. I hate being out there in the heat and people, and they would have been pistols. Had they just gone somewhere where I could have sat in an air conditioned car I wouls have gone...lol. I got caught up on The Closer. My daughter has all this season recorded. LOVE that show. Brenda Johnson rocks!

i am feeling kind of "ick".....I think I am going to go back to bed for a while. I am still tired. Glad I just got up and walked. It was really hard this morning. BUT IT'S DONE!!!

Friday, July 3, 2009

Days off are the toughest for me. If I am in the house I will eat. So this morning I decided I needed some motivation. I went to Kohl's and tried on some size 16 capris. A couple of them fit, and fit nice! I was so excited! I am now down to 1x shirt now also. It used to be that a 3x was almost too small. Then I tried on bras. I am down from a 42 to a 38. My girls were at attention! I bought the bra and one pair of capris. It was fun. The morning was over and I was intact with the food. And I didn't spend alot of money!

This was just what I needed. I haven't been able to wear a size 16 for over 8 years. I feel so damn good! I just need to stay busy at something...I eat alot because I am bored. The mini-binge is a thing of the past! This makes me want to make good choices for the rest of the weekend. I came home and had a big plate of summer squash and watermelon. So good.

Going to an early $5 movie tomorrow and brekkie before the show with a girlfrind that hasn't seen me for a while. It will be fun. Then back over to the daughter's for bbq and fireworks. I don't know if I will make to firework time....I go to bed so early. But I will give it a shot. Tonight I am sitting while they take my S-I-L's mother to a jazz club. I don't mind, they only get to see her every so often. They do nice stuff for me all the time.

I am reading The Four Agreements. OMG! How have I never read this book before. If you haven't read it, READ IT! It is just awesome. Making me look at stuff in a whole new way. I want my daughter to read it too. I love belonging to a book club. We read all kinds of stuff.

I love it with this ZERO calorie Jelly with it! On an english muffin the snack is about 3 points! LOVE IT!

Oh by the way, after all that bragging about auto pilot yesterday....I struggled with a binge last night. I did overeat, but I would say I stopped short of a binge. It just hits you upside your head out of no where. I don't think I did too much damage, but I ate too much, of low point stuff. Went to bed early, to stop the MADNESS!

Tried to undo the damage with an extra long, extra fast walk this morning. Almost 4 miles in alittle over 70 mins. It felt good and the knee held up fine.

Today is a new day....move forward. Keep the mood and the food real........do something patriotic!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

I am a creature of habit. Every morning I go the same way to work. This morning I needed to make a stop before I got to the office. I had to turn around 3, count 'em, 3 times, before I made it to my stop. What the hell? It was almost funny by the 3rd time. My mind wonders, ALOT, and I had to pay attention to get where I wanted to go. Most of the time I am on auto pilot. I had to laugh at myself, Man I am a creature of habit. We all are I think. This same thing applies to weight loss, I have to pay attention to get where I want to go!

Since about the 1st of March I have walked everyday. This has become a habit. This morning my knee was feeling "ouchie" again. It's been along time since it's hurt. I was trying to decide if I should just take a break today. I just had to do it. I am almost afraid to miss a day walking, for fear that I break my good habit. Why is it that bad habits are so easy to form, but good ones aren't? I walked, I didn't go as fast and I didn't go as far. My knee was fine and I was glad that I did it and got it over with early. It's a habit!

I am noticing that I am on auto pilot lately with good habits. I read this blog yesterday, http://aforty-somethingsweightlossjourn.blogspot.com/, ( love to you Shelly) and I love that she lost, I think it was 8 or 9 lbs this month, eating induitively. She didn't count anything. Just tried to make good choices. And all this while she celebrated a B-day and a anniversary and had visitors last month.

I don't count anything either. At 1st I did, but now I just try to eat clean and eat when I am hungry. I try not to act impulsive. And guess what, it seems to be working. It makes this journey so much easier if I just relax and just try to be good to myself. I used to feel guilty about how easy it has been this time, but not anymore. I feel in control and more confidant then I have felt in YEARS! And...this is the interesting thing, I am not acting implusive in other areas in my life. Like in the spending money area.......this journey is so awesome!

Thank you so much Shelly for that post. It made me think! I am so grateful to be on this journey, with all of you! It is a privledge!.....