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Not Ready To Leave My Baby Boy

When I found out I was pregnant with my third, Freddie, I knew it was going to be my last pregnancy ever. I remember promising myself that I would try and enjoy the pregnancy as much as I could but it was difficult to enjoy it with twice weekly hospital appointments because of Obstetric Cholestasis (a liver disorder during pregnancy), in pain constantly and still having to care and run around for two other children. I'm not going to lie, I struggled.

If you know me well then you will know that I have always wanted a little boy. I'm not really sure the reason to why but I just always have. After having two girls I have always thought I'd just be a Mam of girls, so I was expecting to have another daughter. I've always wanted to take a 3D/4D scan but I never managed to with my other two pregnancies and I decided to just go for it third time round and I went for an early gender scan at 14 weeks 5 days. That was the day I found out we were expecting our first son. It didn't feel real, at all until he was born.

I remember lying in bed dreaming about what it was like to be a Mam to a boy. What was it like to have a son? I had people telling me boys are amazing and content. But Mia was a content baby and Elliw was just totally different, so I think every baby is different. I was really looking forward to meeting my son and experience being a Mam to a little boy.

I remember that day I gave birth to Freddie. I arrived at the hospital around 5.15pm and went straight to the pregnancy unit which they wanted to monitor me until they realised I was starting to push and decided to urgently call a midwife over to take me into labour ward. Finally, when a midwife came to get me, she took me into labour ward and into a labour room. The minute I walked into the labour room my waters broke and within half an hour, my baby was born. 5.58pm was the time I became a Mam to a little boy.

That feeling I had when I held him was amazing. I remember my partner holding around me and all I was saying was; "We have a boy!" in pure happiness. We both cried happy tears, a moment I'll never forget. I couldn't wait to see the girls and for the girls to meet him. It didn't really go to plan because Mia was at her Dad's house for the night and it was getting late. So we decided to wait until the following day for Mia to meet him.

Since Freddie has been here (nearly 5 months), I haven't left him for more than 2 hours. I am the kind of person who says parents deserve a break. At times I have broken down because I feel my hobby and my job (blogging) has taken a huge back step because I literally have no time during the day to blog and I am shattered by the evening. Freddie doesn't sleep much during the day, he has around three 30 minute naps and during the night he wakes up every 2-3 hours, which is exhausting.

The thought of having to leave him for the whole day or overnight somewhere makes me sad. I think I am scared incase I miss something, such as a new milestone and knowing it's only me he settles on I would just worry he would get too upset with someone else without me there. I've only expressed two or three times and I hadn't expressed a lot of milk, so I had to feed him myself after my partner fed him the 3oz from the bottle. So I know I wouldn't be able to leave him with someone else (without me there) for too long when he is due his feeds.

As Freddie is growing he has got himself into a routine and leaving bigger gaps between his feeds, which I am finding strange but slowly getting used to it. I feel like my break is having longer free time myself from breastfeeding. I still can't see myself stopping breastfeeding anytime soon. It's one of the best things I have ever decided on.

At what age did you leave your little ones over night/day for the first time?

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