Alexa is Listening

Life in the Boomer Lane, in a desperate attempt to be allowed entry into Twenty-First Century Life, requested Amazon Echo (Alexa) for Hanukkah. Precious Only Daughter provided. LBL looked forward to using Alexa for three reasons: to assist in cooking, to provide weather forecasts, and to play music. Prince Charming, LBL’s son-in-law, installed her. LBL was good to go.

LBL should note at this moment that the response “I don’t know why you wanted that,” or its popular partner, “I like what we already have,” has been used regarding buying new porch furniture, re-painting all the rooms of the house, installing new lighting in the kitchen, building a wall unit in the study, purchasing a new stove, and changing the kitchen sponge.

LBL knows that, after any and all improvements are made, Now Husband will remark on how much he loves such improvements. For that reason, LBL was optimistic. Eager to show him Alexa’s prowess, she instructed him to ask Alexa a question. His question was, “Alexa, why did Guatemala recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel?” (Predictably, Alexa’s response was “I can’t help you with that.”)

The following ensued:

Of all the questions on earth you could possible have asked her, why did you ask Alexa that question?

I wanted to know what she thought.

She’s not one of the intellectual friends you meet with for drinks once a week. She doesn’t care why Guatemala recognized Jerusalem as the Israeli capital. Try another question, one that is realistic.

Alexa, who plays second base for the Nats? (Alexa’s response was “I can’t help you with that.”)

That’s not an improvement. Ask her about the weather.

I already know about the weather. (It should be noted here that Now Husband has an entire mini-weather station next to the bed. He spends a lot of time announcing things like “Are you aware that it is nine degrees outside right now?” when LBL is trying to fall asleep.)

I don’t care. Ask Alexa something she can answer.

So the goal is to choose only questions you think she can answer? Is she a small child who needs to be rewarded?

You are missing the point. Just pretend you are a normal person, with normal questions.

Alexa, how many pints are in a quart?

LBL held her breath at this point, fingers crossed, hoping Alexa would come through. She did.

See!?

I don’t see anything. I already know how many pints are in a quart.

That’s not the point.

I think that’s exactly the point, actually.

Now Husband eventually left the kitchen to return to his study/lair, in order to continue his daily processing all of the obscure knowledge of the universe that was displayed on his computer screen. LBL stared at Alexa.

“Alexa, what is the weather today?!” she asked, a bit too stridently. Alexa answered. Now Husband appeared in the doorway.

She’s wrong, you know.

She’s not.

Actually, she is. She said it was 12 degrees outside. It’s 14. My bedside weather station graphs barometric trends and is calibrated to the Atomic Clock.

You went into the bedroom to verify, after you heard Alexa give the answer?

Of course. I don’t want false information given out.

I feel like I am being spied on.

You are. But not from me. As long as Alexa is plugged in, she is listening to everything we are saying. It’s a fact.

LBL patiently waited for Now Husband to leave. She then leaned over and whispered, “Alexa, what is the Atomic Clock?” After Alexa answered, she unplugged her and tiptoed out of the room.

All of the conversation in my house is boring. I would encourage politicians to listen in. They could get a daily report on which cat barfed and which cat pooped. We don’t talk out loud about the buried dead bodies! 🙂

Tee hee – My girl friend now feels the need to call her A-L-E-X-A, because every time she says her “name” out loud in conversation, the damned thing starts searching or tells her she can’t help with that! So we are unable to discuss that “thing on the counter which cannnot be named!” Yep, her conversations are now stymied by a 6-inch black tube! ~ Lynn

Two seconds before I read this comment, Now Husband came in, leaned over and whispered that when I started talking about Alexandria Public Schools this morning (I have a painting class in Alex), Alexa fired up at the mention of her name.

The most amazing thing about Alexa is you can say”Alexa, put ketchup on the shopping list” as you recycle the empty ketchup container. At the end of the week, go to the store, pull up the Alexa app and Voila! The whole shopping list that you have piece meal told her to add is there. Never forget your shopping list again.
She’s also handy for dinner music, brunch music, all kinds of playlists if you aren’t a music freak and just want something nice playing in the background with zero effort.

I am completely in awe of this comment. I will start doing this. Of course, my son-in-law will have to explain the set up to me. And I will have to remember to bring my phone to the store. And I will also have to remember why I wanted the item in the first place. But I am seriously going to try this. I know it’s going to take awhile to appreciate all of the charms Alexa has to offer.

I am convinced that Alexa is an evil alien disguised as a benevolent helper. Sure today she’ll add things to your shopping list, play favorite music, or even send you things from Amazon, but how long before she starts doing things like, “You drink too much soda, you can’t have any,” “That song will rot your brain, I won’t play it,” or “I’ll tell your mother you’re ordering that unless you give me $10.” Just wait, soon Alexa will be controlling our lives…

This, I believe, is the premise of any number of sci-fi films, especially the old Twilight Zone episode (I think) where the aliens come down from space with a book called “How to Serve Man” and it turns out to be a cookbook. So we are all reduced to being ingredients in recipes, right?

My Now Husband is a weather freak too. He could watch the weather channel all day long. Blizzards are like the Olympics of weather days for him. I get a minute-by-minute update whether I need it or not.

Is there some genetic component to all this? Was it necessary, before launching out to chase mastodons, to know what direction the winds were coming from? Now Husband is also obsessed with traffic updates. Again, was it important to know traffic patterms when setting out on the hunt?

Hahaha! Mine gets worked up about traffic, which, in my opinion is the underlying cause of his high blood pressure. Yes, this must be an evolutionary carryover from the need to be astute about external elements in advance of the hunt. How this applies to getting in a four-wheel drive to go to Stop & Shop, I have no idea.

Go easy on Now Husband. He might be feeling a tiny bit threatened by two smart chicks in the house now LBL. Just out of curiosity, is he a Jeopardy fan? He sounds a little nerdy, which I mean in the nicest possible way of course.

Funny you should mention Jeopardy. Now Husband could probably go on the show and win. In past years, everyone used to tell him he looked exactly like Alex Trebek. There is a definite resemblance. Then, they both showed up at the same event. They met face-to-face.

I was on Jeopardy, way back in the 80s, and lost to a postal carrier from Oklahoma, who should have been way slower on his buzzer, IMHO!

And what is it with men anyway? Not to generalize too much here, just extending to some of your comments and my very own spouse – they all seem to be obsessed with the weather. I am fortunate, though, I guess, in that both of us prefer old relics to new fancy doodads (like Alexa) that do way more than we expect to ever need anything to do for us. If only we could continue to replace our old DVRs with the same old models. I get so frustrated whenever any little thing on any new bigger thing gets changed. I could add Windows and iPhone updates to that list, too!

I’m seriously in awe that you were on Jeapordy. While I pride myself on a faily broad array of knowledge (minus a few notable exceptions), I would absolutely freeze if I were asked any question on TV. This would include my name and birthdate. Added to a fascination about weather is an equal fascination with traffic patterns. It’s a mystery, for sure.

Top Posts

Life in the Boomer Lane: Musings of A Former Hula Hoop Champion

If you can't get enough of Life in the Boomer Lane's humor, or, if your life is tawdry and meaningless, you can purchase many of LBL's posts in Kindle format, for the same price as you would pay for a mojo grande salted caramel skim latte. Or, you can buy the book and the latte as well, and really live it up. Just don't spill the latte all over the Kindle in your exhuberance.

Go to the Kindle section on Amazon and search Life in the Boomer Lane. Your life will change immediately.