dals and the burst stock bubble, and "Jim Cramer's Real Money: Sane Investing in an Insane World," which came out when "Mad Money" started last year. (Cramer has now entered the pantheon of writers whose names are in the title of their books; the cover of the latest one actually names him twice, once as Jim Cramer and once as James J. Cramer. Callers still mention the book on the air, and when- ever they do Cramer holds up a copy and shouts something like "The book! The book!," then tosses it off to the side in yet another signature gesture. A big bom- bastic branding-bonanza boo-yah to ya, Jimmy!) Cramer understood stock tables by the time he was nine, and even someone who is not able to be truly discerning when it comes to TV money mavens can see that he has a gift. He has been called a genius, often by his critics; in fact, Cra- mer's critics seem to use the word more freely than his admirers, as if to prove that they are generous in spirit and not merely envious. (He is said to be worth between fifty and a hundred million dol- lars. His father gave him Business Week when he was nine, but I know that can't be why he is so rich today, because my fa- ther also gave me articles from Business Week when I was that age, and I am, like, so notworth between fifty and a hundred million dollars.) In most of his shows, there is what Cramer calls a "lightning round," when he gives rapid-fire buy- and-sell advice to callers who ask about particular stocks. It's a test of the depth and breadth of his knowledge, and he al- ways puts on a topnotch performance. A site called CramerWatch.org, which is healthily skeptical and funny about Cramer, pits a monkey called Leonard (really just a picture of a mon- key that when you click on it says "Buy" half the time and "Sell" half the time) against Cramer; Leonard and Jimbo come out roughly equal when it comes to the subsequent thirty-day prices of the lightning-round picks. (Other sites have checked the performance of stocks that Cramer recommends during the less game-showy segments of "Mad Money," and he fares much better.) But if there are viewers who get burned by Cramer's fire, we don't hear from them on the air, and in any case the show is sprinkled throughout with disclaimers, including a long, scrolling document that is part of the opening credits. Cramer constandy urges people to do their homework-to research and track their investments, and to know why they are buying something in the first place. He says that he wants to educate as well as entertain, but it's hard to know how many people are being educated in the circus atmosphere that is "Mad Money." The cameras ap- pear to be operated by Leonard the mon- key: they zoom in and out and swoop down and around, and shots rarely last longer than a second. A stock ticker and a news zipper and a jagged orange ban- ner with thumbnail versions of whatever Cramer is ranting about take up a third of the screen, and metal music plays dur- ing the lightning round. (At the begin- ning of the round, Cramer typically throws his desk chair across the room.) Maybe he makes some people feel as though they were really in the game, like the passionate bystanders who call sports-radio shows and talk about scores and prospects as if they themselves had a hand in the outcomes. The students who attend tapings on the college tours that Cramer has taken to doing are often made giddy by his presence, whooping and waving big foam fingers in the air, as if they were trying to get picked out of the crowd by Bob Barker on "The Price Is Right." A month or so ago, Cramer devoted an entire show to "vice" stocks, to make a point: investing, he said, has to be unemo- tional, removed from considerations of ethics. ("I'm determined to rid you of that ethical inner voice," the orange banner said.) He talked about a tobacco company, a bullet manufacturer, and Smith & Wes- son. Finally, about a half hour into the show, he said, ''Yes, we are being a tad fa- cetious . . . because I need you to be think- ing that you can make the money and then free yourself: do whatever you want with the money. I have made a fortune in firearms stocks, and I've given a fortune to gun control." He added, of the profits to be made, "Somebody somewhere is going to take it. Why shouldn't it be you?" Whaaa? This wasn't facetious. He meant it. I find Cramer's egomania hugely enter- taining, yet I feel flattened by the hurri- cane force of his monomania. In any case, if getting rich is your goal, you're not going to get there by watching Cramer's show. Remember, he didn't get rich by sitting around watching TV. . Jlr BARNES & NOBLE CLASSICS Rediscover the bool(s you always meant to read. NAN A Émile Zola ....... .,. .. 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