The Campaign for Real Alcopops has protested that an invasion of tedious, responsible drinkers over 30 is driving the UK’s clubs and bars to abandon the much-loved, lurid, caffeinated alcopops in favour of disgusting new drinks known as “real ales”, and is destroying the traditional British night out as a result.

The Taliban has today displayed its progressive credentials by introducing a requirement for children to produce proof-of-age documentation confirming that they are 13 or over before they will be allowed to purchase firearms.