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Ranger Rich

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Famous conservative author, columnist, blogger and TV talk show
guest Michelle Malkin, who lives right here in our village and
is of Asian descent, once wrote this: "Here are some of the racial
epithets I've been called in my lifetime: Chink. Gook. Jap. Nigger.
Slant eyes. Dog-eater."

Anyway, I began with such harsh words so you'd understand the tough
life endured by ultra-right-wing scribe Malkin, who also wrote an
actual book saying the U.S. internment camps during World War II were a
terrific idea and the 112,000 Japanese nationals and Japanese-Americans
who were forcibly relocated to the camps should stop their damn
whining.

Of course, her tough-life angle is offset somewhat by the hundreds
of thousands of dollars she has pocketed by writing these books —
books purchased in huge numbers by Americans who believe President
Barack Obama was born in Africa and First Lady Michelle
Obama should shut her doggone yap and get back in the kitchen.

Malkin made a rare local public appearance last weekend. She is
actually on the Gazette's editorial advisory board, whatever
that is, but has not indicated publicly why she moved to Colorado
Springs about a year ago. (Many suspect she wants to be here for the
grand opening of the new downtown U.S. Olympic Committee headquarters
in the year 2350.)

Anyway, she swept into the Barnes & Noble bookstore at the
Citadel Mall to sign copies of her latest book and New York
Times bestseller: I'd Like to Poke Obama in the Eye with a
Barbecue Fork and Then MaybeDick CheneyandDonald RumsfeldWill Return and Lead Us Out of This
Hell Hole.

OK, her new book is actually called Culture of Corruption. On
the cover is a picture of the president. I have not read the book, but
from what I heard from the stunning gathering of some 500 avid Malkin
followers on Saturday, it contains startling evidence clearly showing
that Obama kidnapped the Lindbergh baby; assassinated Archduke
Ferdinand to trigger World War I; created polio from the germs in
his unwashed hashish pipe; stepped on the tail of a kitten twice (on
purpose); and last week quietly went to Texas, snuck up to the home of
85-year-old former president George H.W. Bush, rang the
doorbell, and ran away.

"I agree with everything Michelle Malkin says," offered Monica
Payton, who said she lives in the Broadmoor area. "Obama is pretty
scary. It feels like we're living in Communist Russia."

She was referring, of course, to the way the desperate and
downtrodden Russian people, trapped for decades in a brutal and
inhumane government of Lenin and his secret police, often found
solace the only way they could: playing 18 holes of golf and gossiping
about who was using Botox.

Michael Embery of Colorado Springs waited 90 minutes to meet
Malkin. Asked what he might ask her, he grinned and said, "Would you
like to marry me?"

(I'm pretty sure Embery meant he wanted to ask Malkin to marry him,
but he was looking at me when he said it. And judging by how the
conservative God-fearing Christians in line were now staring at the two
of us, I loped quickly to the other end of the bookstore and settled
into the Norwegian yacht-building aisle until the murmuring died
down.)

Later, Charlie Kaufhold of Colorado Springs said he has
watched Malkin on the hard-hitting TV news shows hosted by Bill
O'Reilly and the new Walter Cronkite, Glenn Beck of
FOX News. Kaufhold said he agreed with everything Malkin has ever
written, adding: "I think Obama's wife and all gals should just be
quiet about things like [politics]."

(I once said that to my own wife and found myself stuffed completely
inside our dishwasher, screaming as the first blasts of scalding, soapy
water went into my eyes.)

Malkin, labeled by the Asian-American news-watch Web site GoldSea as
"the radical right's Asian pitbull," didn't say much during her
appearance and gave no interviews. She smiled a lot and signed her
books and posed for photos with her fans. (She was the one not wearing
camouflage clothing.)

"We love you, Michelle," was a steady theme. Also overheard: "You
keep after 'em," "Go get 'em" and "Don't let up on 'em." Not overheard:
"Change or reform in any society is often uncomfortable, and perhaps we
should all exhibit a bit of patience with our new government."

Everyone carefully avoided standing near the gay and lesbian book
aisle. OK, it's Colorado Springs; the gay and lesbian bookshelf.
Among the flock were Sandy Christ and his mother, Twyla
Christ. I wanted to ask if either had the middle initial H, but I
did not.

"Obama is very immature and unable to handle the job," offered Twyla
Christ. "He seems like a spoiled boy. Michelle Malkin stands up and
tells the truth about it. And Obama was born in Africa, too. Everyone
knows it."

And it was there in that dusty Kenyan village, living among the
lions, caribou and moose, that a young Barack Obama, wielding a polar
bear claw, carved the slingshot that he would use on May 6, 1937, to
shoot down the Hindenburg.