‘Fake News’ in Review 3/13/2018

A beer pong game at the Highlands is heading into its third day of competition as neither team can make the final cup.

Undeclared junior Steven Haines just wanted to throw “a chill kickback” with some “bros and a couple baddies” Saturday night. What seemed at first like an innocuous game of beer pong quickly spiralled out of control as after hours, then days, a winner has yet to be crowned. Both teams are foregoing sleep and class out of sheer spite. Beer was replaced with Four Lokos so players could stay awake.

The game has seen many close calls. An end seemed in sight when Haines sank the last cup. Unfortunately, his opponent Nick Coltrane hit the redemption shot. Then another winning shot was called back as an instant replay showed that Jessica Fryman’s elbow was over the line. A nearly guaranteed victory was blown out by Nicole Dion, as the ball spun around the inside of the red solo cup.

“I didn’t really want to play in the first place,” Fryman said. “But now I have to win.”

“Fake News” field reporter Kenneth Lowe was on the scene at the Highlands. Lowe called “next game” before the historic three day game began. While live tweeting the event he admitted he wasn’t sure why he was still there but thought it had something to do with “an insane dab that also made history that day.”

Lowe is scheduled to participate in a mandatory drug screening by the “Fake News” editorial staff. If you see him, please let us know.

Anyway, Brianna McClatchey is providing coverage of the game through her Snapchat story.

During a vomiting break on the afternoon of competition day two, McClatchey talked to competitors about how they were feeling.

“F— this, I don’t even give a f— anymore,” said Coltrane, who hopes his roommates have been feeding his cat the last couple days. “I just want to go home, but I can’t walk away from a game like this.”

A Twitter photo posted by @KennethLowe with the caption “These dudes brought a cat to a party. It’s so high I bet it could fly #dabnation” revealed that Coltrane’s roommates were still at the party on the morning of match day three.

“I’ve already missed two midterms,” Dion said. “I’m not gonna lose to Nick, though. He’s such a bitch. Did you see he pushed Kenneth to the ground when he went for a rebound? By the way, have you seen that Kenneth guy? I heard someone say he was climbing to the roof.”

The police have reportedly been called by neighbors, attempting to get the party shut down, since Sunday, but cops haven’t responded to calls at the Highlands since a game of flip cup turned into rioting in 2007.

Ryan Suppe and Joey Thyne study astrology. They can be reached at rsuppe@sagebrush.unr.edu and on Twitter @salsuppe and @Joey_Thyne.

Editor’s Note

“Fake news” is not real news and should not be interpreted as such. Interested in real news? Check out the news section. Resemblance of any names to real persons is unintentional.