Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Can I Help You?

One of my favorite phrases is “Can I help you?” By altering
nothing more than voice inflection and context, it can convey anything from a
helpful countenance to a hostile attitude. Let’s say that you walk into a
store, and despite taking note of their cryptic aisle signage, are still unable
to locate a can of Rotel. Exasperated, you approach a nearby employee and just
as you are about to ask for their assistance they smile and say “Can I help
you?” In this particular case, their body language expresses approachability
and a willingness to assist in your search.

At the other end of the spectrum is the “bank line” scenario.
Let’s say you are standing in line at your chosen financial institution waiting
to cash the 41-cent check you received from a class action suit against
Pontiac, when you notice that the individual to your right is talking rather
loudly on their phone. Unbelievably, the conversation consists mainly of their
retelling of an inebriated Friday evening. Around the time they utter the
phrase, “Dude, how was I supposed to know she was 16? What am I supposed to do,
check the ID of every chick I hit on at Roller City!?” you realize that you are
clearly staring at this person in disbelief. They place the phone against their
shoulder, look directly at you, and ask, “Can I help you!?”

Even though this individual utilized the identical phrase of
the store employee, it is apparent that they have no desire you assist you in
your search for dry goods. Instead, they earnestly wish to convey that they
have taken note of your interest in their conversation and find it
disagreeable. How the scene plays from here depends greatly on your response.
You generally have three options:

1.Feign
surprise that they have even taken notice of you, shrug your shoulders, and sheepishly
check your deposit slip for the eighth time.

2.Politely
suggest that perhaps they might wish to consider discontinuing the conversation
in mixed company.

3.Inform them
that although their dogged pursuit of underage girls at a skating rink is
infinitely fascinating to the rest of us, it might behoove them (and their
soon-to-be-filed statutory rape case) to choose a more secluded venue for
bro-time.

Taking the first option would be the most advisable way to
avoid antagonism, but would result in being further subjected to Fast Eddie’s
hot-pretzel themed pickup lines. The third option will lead to either a
fisticuffs or an enduring friendship so you decide to take the middle ground.
This is the approach most likely to win you the silent adoration of your peers
but avoid being garroted by a wallet-chain.

My wife recently had occasion to employ the more hostile of
the “Can I help you?” incarnations. After hearing a faint knock at our front
door, she discovered a man standing outside the window where our son was
napping. She stepped out onto the porch, cleared her throat, and said, “Can I
help you?”

In the south this is a thinly veiled way of asking “What the
hell are you doing on my property?” As it turns out, he was a plumber that I
called a week ago to look at a burst pipe that had since been repaired.
However, he clearly understood the implication of my wife’s question as he
quickly identified himself and apologized disturbing her.