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Friday August 22, 2014 6:01 AM

Dear Carolyn: I read your response (June 22) about the girlfriend who forbids her boyfriend to talk to other girls. I agree that this seems like abusive, controlling behavior.

I wonder, however, where the line is between being controlling and being victimized. For instance, what if the boyfriend is a big flirt or a serial cheater? Suppose she asked him to stop hanging out with other women, and he refused by telling her she can’t control who his friends are. Then she would have to say, “If you don’t stop seeing other women, I will break up with you.” That is proactive, not controlling, right?

I have tolerated a lot of bad behavior: I have been told that what I see isn’t real (“I didn’t put that there; it must have been someone else”) and that, if I don’t do something his way, I am not being considerate of his feelings (such as if I don’t feed the dog promptly at 7).

If, in fact, what I see isn’t real, or if I ignore the dog’s whining and don’t feed him, then I am wrong. But if what I see is real and feeding the dog 15 minutes late is no big deal, then I’m right. How do you know?

— Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: So, if you are “wrong” here, then you’re supposed to stay on his terms, your happiness notwithstanding? Why?

If you don’t like how your boyfriend treats you, in your gut — by your standards and no one else’s — then break up. Leaving is suspiciously absent from the choices you present.

To use your example, you can insist that your boyfriend flirts and he can insist he doesn’t, but who is right is irrelevant. You decide whether you want to date him, then, accordingly, either break up or accept him.

What you don’t do is try to change each other. If he is a serial cheater, you don’t ban other women; you leave. A commitment held together by threats isn’t one at all.

You’re asking how you know, and, of course, sometimes you can’t.

But you can know when you don’t feel appreciated, comfortable, safe, respected.

You can know that you don’t owe anyone your love or companionship or compliance, certainly not if those markers of acceptance aren’t there.

So it isn’t about who is right. It is: Do you want to stay with someone who harps on dog-feeding times?

Hypothetically, let’s say you’re in the wrong: Why does he keep trying to change you when it clearly hasn’t worked?

And when feeding a dog at 7:15 versus 7 gets labeled a crime against someone’s feelings, it is time to learn about gaslighting.

The term is from Gaslight (1944), a film about a wife tricked into doubting herself on such basic things that she just defers to her controlling husband.

You’ve apparently spent years in relationships in which you’re not allowed to be right about anything. That is control, the forest you’re missing in the futile debates over trees — and that is where “proactive” has to do with the door.