Monday, July 18, 2011

Dear Mom

July 18, 2011

Dear Mom,

It has been nine years since you died. I am tripped out by this, considering that this year, you will be gone for half as much time as I knew you on this earth. Weird.

Compared to when you first passed away, I miss you more this year than I have any year prior. I think mainly because this has been the hardest year of my life, and I don’t really have a mother-figure to share it with or to get advice from. I know there are plenty of people that care, but none are you, and it is not the same.

There is not one portion of my life that looks like I thought it would look when you were still on this earth. That is not something negative about my life now, I love my husband, and loved that I left school of ministry and got a degree, and I love that I live in Sonora and am able to be a part of every ones life here. When you were here, I very much thought I would somehow end up working for a church or being in ministry, that I would live someplace else, that you would still be alive. None of that was in the cards though. School of Ministry showed me that though I love God, the "ministry" is not for me. For me, it was separating so many people that I did not want to be separated from. I realized that often it built walls, and I wanted to build bridges. After Greg died, I realized that I needed to be in Sonora for a while longer, that being in Redding through it all was not going to work anymore. At the end of the day, I wanted to be like you, and just love people. And while, being in Sonora again has been great, it is where I met Steve, and so many other great things have happened, I know that this time will not last forever. The winds of change are always blowing.

People often try to say what you would say about something or think about a situation. "Your mom would love..." or "Mom would not..." I cannot really do that though. I am sure of the fact that you would love me and everyone you came in contact with, other than that, we have all changed, and you would have changed too.

I found this picture of you the other day while going through some pictures, and it caught me off guard. The same way it catches me off guard when I randomly see your hand-writing somewhere. I almost lose my breath for a moment. I believe that this picture is before you were married or had any children, but it is just so, you. Honestly, I cried when I saw it.

I knew when you died that you would never meet my husband, never meet so many grandchildren, and that every important and so many less important life events will just somehow be lacking because you are not there. People frequently say that you are looking down on us and watching us during these events, and I get that they are saying that to try and give comfort and be supportive in the midst of those events, it does not give me comfort though. Quite frankly it just feels like we were robbed of so much time with you.

At the end of the day, I believe that there is a support and a love that only a mother can give, and I have been lacking that for nine years now. Though I know that I am not alone, sometimes it feels like that because you are not here, and like I said earlier, it has been worse this year than any year prior, and today in particular.