Bumpy: Every great detective has one. Holmes has Watson. Pirot has Hastings.

Fanta: What does a dumb sidekick do?

Bumpy: Has everything explained to him so the people watching the tv show know how clever the detective is.

Fanta: Oh. So what are we investigating?

Bumpy: Mum was seriously assaulted last night, while she was asleep.

Fanta: What? I didn't know that!

Bumpy: Didn't you hear her squeal?

Fanta: Yes, but I thought she was having a bad dream. I sometimes have bad dreams, you know.

Bumpy: No. She woke up to find she was soaking wet, and so was the bed.

Fanta: No! How did that happen?

Bumpy: It was the work of a criminal mastermind I call Megadrool Dog. I've been trying to catch Megadrool Dog for months now.

Fanta: You mean this isn't the first time it's happened?

Bumpy: Far from it.

Fanta: I didn't know.

Bumpy: Well, you're only young, and you're a dog, and you're a dumb sidekick. You don't know much. But Megadrool Dog (whoever that really is) has been sneaking in here and drooling all over Mum while she sleeps.

Fanta: Oh, that's awful. Poor Mum. How is Megadrool Dog getting in?

Bumpy: Through our door. I know that because, this never happened before you came here and there was only a tiny door for me. But now there's a door big enough for a dog your size, well, Megadrool Dog is getting in that way.

Fanta: But Mum and Mr D lock our door during the night!

Bumpy: Did I mention that Megadrool Dog is a criminal mastermind. He, or even she, has a way of breaking in through our door.

Fanta: And how does Megadrool Dog get into our back yard to come through our door? The fence is so high. You can get over it because you're a cat, but a dog can't jump that high.

Bumpy: We are dealing with a very clever criminal mastermind here. Megadrool Dog seems to be able to get our locked gate open the same way as he or she gets our locked door open. Either that, or, (whispers) he or she has a collaborator on the inside.
Fanta: An inside job!

Bumpy: Shhhhh!!!!!

Fanta: Surely not! I couldn't believe that.

Bumpy: I don't want to believe it of our humans either. And I know it couldn't be Mr D because he's the best human in the world.

Fanta: How do you know Megadrool Dog is a dog anyway?

Bumpy: Elementary, my dear Fantasia. The amount of drool was way too much for anyone my size. It had to be someone at least as big as you to produce that amount of saliva. Hence, Megadrool Dog is definitely a dog.

Fanta: So how do we catch this evil criminal mastermind?

Bumpy: Well he or she got away this time, but I have a plan.

Fanta: Is it a very clever plan?

Bumpy: It's better than clever. It's a cunning plan.

Fanta: What is this cunning plan?

Bumpy: From now on we, by which I mean, you, will sleep right on top of Mum of a night time. That way when Megadrool Dog comes in to drool over her, you will get drooled on instead. You will wake up immediately and subdue the villain, and call me in time for me to get credit. I would do it myself, but you know, dog drool would ruin my hairstyle.

Fanta: OK. I'll sleep on Mum and keep her completely safe from Megadrool Dog. Great plan, Bumpy. You really are a fantastic detective.

You see, sometimes her lupus makes her have a thing called "brain fog". It means she doesn't think properly. Sometimes, Fanta and I can use that to our advantage and trick her into thinking she hasn't given us our dinner, and make her give us another one. (Although now Mr D does most of our feeding, and he never forgets if he's fed us.)

Anyway, tonight, Mum was about to go to bed, when she found a puddle in her room. Fanta had weed in there. Mum got mad at Fanta, and said Fanta was supposed to say when she needed to go out.

Of course Fanta cried because she got into trouble.

Then Mum remembered Fanta had tried to tell her something earlier.

Fanta was climbing on her and I was biting her earlier. Mum had thought we were trying to trick her into giving us a second dinner, and she told us to go away. (I really wanted a second dinner, too.)

She didn't stop to think Fanta might be trying to tell her something else. She didn't think "the back door's locked for the night and Fanta can't get out the doggy door if she needs to go."

She didn't stop to think, "Fanta's a great big dog with a fat behind who couldn't get into a litter tray, even if she was smart enough to know how to use one."

Oh no, she just thought if we were both jumping on her at the same time, we both wanted the same thing.

So when Mum realised that she was mad at herself. Then she was upset because she got mad at herself.

Now Mum and Fanta are both upset and trying to comfort each other and clean up, and no-one's paying any attention to anything I might be attempting, which is just great.

Now, I can see why this animal food cupboard door is childproof, and even why it might be dogproof. But why is it catproof? I've seen both Mum and Mr D do this, so I know it can be done. I just can't seem to get a grip. Maybe it's one of those opposable thumb things. There must be another way.
Oh, are you still here? Well, move along, then. Nothing to see here. (Unless you go laugh at Mum and Fanta.) It's just an innocent cat in the kitchen, innocently minding his own business. All perfectly innocent. Did I say "innocent"? Innocent.

Books by Iris, available in paperback and ebook versions, from:

Patchwork

Patchwork is an anthology of short stories and poems by author and blogger Iris Carden. In this volume, you will deal with the aftermath of a dog bite in Bad Moon Rising, spend a sleepless night with The Possum in the Roof, and investigate a weird religious cult in The Time of Blood and Death. The print version of the book has a bonus story not in the eBook version.

Beside Still Waters

A book of sermons and brief reflections on Christian Scripture, by Rev Iris Carden. There is no specific order to the items in the book, they are intended to each be a "surprise" in that they are not related to the items around them. It is hoped that in each, the reader will find something new or special, or unexpected, a message from God. Rev Iris Carden has a Master's Degree in Theology and more than 10 years of experience as a Christian minister

Cat-it-orial

Mr Bumpy is such a talented cat, he even runs his own website: mrbumpycat.com. He is a blogger, and a very bad cat. His favourite hobby is world domination. His next hobby is harassing the humans and other animals he shares a home with. In this book, you can see the world through the eyes of a megalomanicat, and some of the other animals who share his home.

Group Meeting

(Novella) In a facility for people recovering from mental illness: a group of people with sinister pasts starts to be visited by a girl who doesn't exist.

Karlee

Failing author Terry Dixon is made an offer that seems unbelievable. He can have all of his problems solved, have everything he has ever wanted, for a price. The price is something that "will not be too difficult" for him to pay - but it is not specified what it actually will be. With bills mounting up and a deadline looming, Terry agrees to a deal with something he knows nothing about.

About the Author

Iris Carden is a retired Uniting Church minister and former journalist. Lupus forced her to stop working. On good days she writes.

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Bloggercat at Work

Mr Bumpy on the computer.

Lunch Break

It's not that hard - open fridge, get cat food.

About Mr Bumpy

My name's Mr Bumpy. I spend a lot of time on the computer. (The humans I allow to live with me sometimes complain about me being on the computer - but they're mere humans, what do they know?)

My greatest achievements to date are: throwing Miss C's mobile phone out the window during the night; explaining to the dog who is boss; putting a mouse in Mum's slipper; bringing a live snake into the house and playing with it under the birdcage; and getting my own cat biscuits out of the bag when the humans are too slow to do as they're told.

I do have some help with my blog here - my "Mum" a human named Iris does some of my typing for me. She's OK as humans go, so you might want to check out her blogs some time. And of course, there's a dog and some rats and budgies, but you're really not interested in them.

You can contact me (or any of the rest of the Mr Bumpy Cat Dot Com team) at: contact@mrbumpycat.com