Panic At The Dinner Party (Where No One Gets To Eat) On Southern Charm

Thomas gives everyone advice and, eventually, embolisms.

The penultimate episode of Southern Charm, Season 3 is here to remind us what reality TV is for, when Thomas hosts a dinner party during which no one eats, everyone gets yelled at, and Cooper acts as the bouncer. Kenzie flounces, Craig continues to behave like a box of dicks, Landon gets terrible advice about relationships and lipstick from Patricia, and dubious, if not sobering, advice from her sister about sex and jobs. (Not THOSE kinds of jobs. But kind of?) Shep's beard is growing, and so is his fear. In her greatest triumph, Kathryn dubs Landon a sea creature, and also stops the father of her children from jumping out a window, or rather, walking out onto the roof outside of a window, because he is, after all, a Ravenel.

And now, a ranking of the behaviors of Charleston's elite (or whatever), from best to worst.

Chauncey the Grand-Pug

Arriving in a dog carrier with a gift bow affixed to his wrinkly pugness, Chauncey seems to be Whitney's offering to Patricia in lieu of a human grandchild. Apparently, there is now a pug-room at the Altschul mansion, where Chauncey is undoubtedly writing a blog chronicling his life as a kept gentleman.

Landon's Sister
Bam (her actual name is Powell) and her mysterious eyebrows visit Landon to ask all the questions that make her sister really uncomfortable and admit that she fucked up the whole Vox Media opportunity. She uses the words "job" and "salary" in proximity to one another and then cries about her yearning for Landon's security, and also exposes the gaping wound that is the result of Landon's confession of love to Shep and his "HAHAHA oh sorry you were serious" response. Bam advises Landon to bang it out with Shep, in order to figure out if she really wants him for the long term, and is also horrified that Shep is 36: "He doesn't act 36." (Come closer, Bam, and say that to my face.) In general, though, it's good that Bam showed up to force Landon to deal with herself for a minute, even if, spoiler alert, it's the only minute we're ever going to get.

Kathryn
Kenzie has a dress with strawberries on the collar and a giant giraffe with significant eyelashes, so no one should ever question Kathryn's parenting. She listens to Thomas rattle off his list of people invited to the dinner party (their first and last names, in case labor expelled her brain in addition to placenta), while examining her fingernails, which is the only appropriate response when Thomas is talking, until he gets to Landon, whom, she points out, has been a snivelling wretch and doesn't belong in the "supportive" category. Cue Thomas threatening to cancel the party and trying to jump out the window if Landon can't be included. It's pretty clear who is in the right here, and it's not the man in his fifties attempting to defenestrate. It is beyond crappy, though, that Kathryn's willing to accept Landon being at the party to prevent a fight between her and Thomas. She shows up to said party looking like a star, and drinks and smokes in the manner of a siren who does not give a fuck, and throughout dinner and the disaster that it is, she has this gravelly voice and calm exterior, even when she tells Landon she sounds "like a fucking dolphin." I want this phrase on a t-shirt. And sheets, and shoelaces, and a lampshade. I want it to be everywhere, in the manner of the faces of New Kids on the Block in the pre-teen bedrooms of yore.

Shep
Shep is getting scruffy, and I can only assume that it's because he's trying to conceal his identity from Landon. Whilst conversing with his mother at the yacht club, he refers to Landon as a "pit bull," which he deems is a good reason to pursue a relationship involving sexiness. Apparently they might have had some kind of encounter in a closet, though? Dude needs to start writing these things down. Also, I don't know what season it is in Charleston, or what temperature it is is Thomas's house, but Shep is wearing a coat and a sweater and maybe a vest and holding on really tightly to Thomas's fancy chair. I assume this is in preparation for the moment in which he's assailed by Thomas for not being a "real" man, seeing as he has not sired any children, and because he dared to call out Thomas on his sketchy relationship with Landon, which clearly and delightfully hit a nerve.

Cameran
Cameran has a new sparkly diamond and a great deal of skepticism this week, and even though I'm burnt out on her dislike of Kathryn, the fact that she manages not to maim Craig or Thomas is pretty remarkable. I do want her to maim Craig and Thomas, though, so...get on that, Cameran.

Craig
Craig and his stupid, smarmy "look at me I go to a work job" tie show up at Kathryn's to gaze upon her new spawn and interview that everyone seems happy so who cares if it's really Thomas's? Later, he tells Cameran to just come to the dinner party and not worry about Kathryn because "everyone deserves second chances." By "second chances," do you mean "second paternity tests," bro? Get the hell out of here. He also thinks being around Kathryn might help Cameran see the positive side of having children, and doesn't know what "sanctimonious" means. My hatred, it is athletic.

Patricia
Patricia summons Landon to her casa de dogs and butlers to find out what's going on with Shep and lecture her about getting over it and changing her image. The camera zooms in on Landon when Patricia interviews about women today looking "ghastly," and how "if you look like you got shot out of a canon, you can't be attractive to the opposite sex." She also recommends that Landon seriously consider "reforming" Thomas (sexually). Since I can't remember Patricia and Landon ever having any kind of conversation before this one, I can only assume that this whole thing was staged in order to provide Patricia with an opportunity for relevancy at this tender point in the season.

Thomas
I am bad at assessing whether people are on drugs. Jenelle Evans could be fully heroin-ing in front of me, and I'd probably ask her what she was up to, so when asked if Thomas is coked up during his dinner party speech, I don't know what to tell you. Maybe all the signs are there, but I'm too distracted by the fact that he keeps pronouncing "champagne" like this and saying things about Kathryn being a changed woman who has a "strong man behind her." I'm hoping he'll stand still for a second so I can throw a sharp knife at him, but Thomas will never do anything for me. What saves him from being number one in this ranking is the fact that he orchestrated this dinner party so he could eviscerate people publically, including referring to Landon as a rusty stone, even though he was the one who tried to jump out the window to keep her on the guest list. So...inconsistencies? But also, impressive? And yes, probably drunk.

Landon
In my heart, Landon and Thomas are tied for first this week in terribleness, but Landon edges Thomas out with her outright denial that she's ever done anything to Kathryn, which is both untrue and stupid (whereas Thomas is stupid yet strategic), and by hurling of herself at Shep. I could let her off the hook for the Shep-hurling, as I could for her failure to take sincere action in her life and her desire to be perpetually pampered. Because of what she's said about Kathryn, and denied saying about her, I will never not wish for her to get peed on by all of Patricia's dogs, and then for Michael to strategically ignore her cries for help/a towel.