I Can’t Believe My Child Has Died!

Seriously, I still can’t believe it! Yet it’s my first and last thought of each day sandwiched in between countless other thoughts and memories of Amy. As soon as I open up my eyes it hits me: Oh My God, Amy died!

There is knowing and then there is knowing. How far do you allow your mind to wander to the dark place where the truth lives? I can only speak for myself but I cannot stay in that dark reality for very long.

There are times in the early months and even as recent as a month or so ago, where I found myself in the red zone of grief. That’s my term for beyond hysterical when the reality sinks in so deeply that I don’t even recognize the wounded cries which are part of my deep sobbing. I believe this is my soul crying.

I have tried to write this post for 5 days and then I say “ef it,” I am tired of hearing myself moan and groan. Keeping it in, recycling in my fried brain, isn’t helping either as I wake up at night every few hours crying. I keep trying to shift the anger. I now talk about wanting to release the anger because it takes so much energy to be pissed off. Then yesterday happens and all of my good intentions to shift my thinking fly out the window after some woman asks me how I am and then continues on to say she was not talking about “that.” Has my daughter’s death evolved to “that”. Almost 24 hours later, I am still replaying the exchange in my head. Seriously?! To quote my friend, “things that make you go hmmm.”

Let me remind any one who wants to have a timeline for my grief or think I am a martyr that I have not seen, hugged, kissed, texted or spoken to my youngest daughter in 357 days! Wanna try doing that? Of course not, so can you cut me a break and just don’t talk to me if you are going to say something stupid which hurts me.

Every week I say I am not going to dump my thoughts onto this blog again. In my fragile state, I am not always equipped to walk among those who get a glimpse into the mind of a broken, grieving Mom, after I have exposed my vulnerable thoughts.

I actually attempted to start a brand new blog where I could really say what’s on my mind and not risk offending anyone, but it was too difficult to figure out how to launch it. Many who know me personally know that I have always spoken my mind, sometimes too freely, but I assure you I do hold back on these postings a bit as it’s never my intention to hurt anyone. A few times after one of my rants, someone has asked me if they personally prompted my post. No, yes, maybe, I don’t know — would be my honest answer. This blog is my punching bag. Please stop reading it if you are tired of reading my words. But before you do, let me ask you how long you would like to go without seeing one of your kids? Then judge me.

I love people, yet I struggle to be around them sometimes. My mind is so short circuited from the grief that sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to retreat from the world indefinitely. Grieving the loss of a child is excruciating! No one truly knows unless they have experienced it. That’s not my opinion; it’s a fact. And make no mistake, grieving parents do not choose this pain — it is the mind and heart’s reaction to the lose of a child. The loss of the unique intimate loving familiar beautiful connection with their child.

A woman who lost her son 24 years ago told me living life after her son died was a baby step process. In my opinion, it’s a baby step cha cha with not much forward progress in the beginning because you are so dazed and confused. Another mother, 8 years on the other side of Devastation Day, said the 2 ton elephant sitting on your heart loses weight as the years go by. I read or heard recently that it takes the mind and heart 9 years to process the loss of a child. Everyone’s experience is different — again I am not making predictions — just sharing what I have heard.

Imagine your life as a beautiful stained glass window which you took years to carefully design. This window was your own personal creation. Then one day, life sucker punches the window and it is shattered into a million pieces. Not only is the window destroyed, but you are hit by all of the glass and bleeding in places which are not visible to the human eye. Millions of sharp pieces of glass are imbedded into your body.

Reality is that you cannot fix the window and you will never ever have the same beautiful window again because a treasured piece is lost and there is no way to replace it. Reality is that you, yourself, are too injured to do much about the broken window, except miss it. Over time, when your energy returns, you may be able to create another window but make no mistake, it will never shine as brilliantly on a sunny day or give you the same peace.

My heart was designed to love 3 children. That love continues but the ache is unbearable at times as I don’t get to continue my life with one of my children here with me as part of this world. Yes, Amy continues to love me but dammit I want her here in her physical form, loving, laughing, crying, slamming a door when I say something she doesn’t like … Who can blame me for wanting that?

Oh Dee, it’s as if you’re reading my mind, once again. I don’t often ‘go there’ because it is hard and hurts so damn much. Sometimes you just can’t control it though and it’s unbearable. And I agree that this is the ‘baby cha cha,’ there is so much back and forth with my emotions, I feel like a yo yo most of the time. I too hold back so as not to hurt anyone, but I think at some point it needs to be about your grief and about what you need. People that get hurt can be fixed, but our hearts cannot.

Cathlyn

I just lost my son who was 3 years old. He passed May 3 and I don’t know how I am going to keep going without him. Like you, I was meant to love three kids. He was my oldest. I just feel so lost. How do you go from taking care of three babies to only two? It just does not make sense and when I think about it, my heart hurts so bad. I haven’t even really cried, I must be in shock still. Seems like we were just at the park yesterday or at the store or just hanging out on the couch. I miss my love.

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious son. Your grief is so fresh and raw. Nothing I can say will validate the pain you are feeling. It’s all so wrong. Please take care of yourself and reach out for help if you need it. I hope you are surrounded by lots of love and support. It’s just a nightmare and my heart breaks for you. Thank you for commenting. If you are able, keep writing and releasing your thoughts. I found a lot of support from other grieving parents via their blogs. It helped me to feel less alone. Sending you many hugs. Please keep in touch and let me know how you are managing. Remember love never dies and no one can take away the love you share with your son. I promise you that love remains. ❤️❤️❤️

ConnMom

Jackie

I also lost my son 6 weeks and 1 day now , he is my only child , as I sat here feeling numb and alone I reached out to the Internet and found this blog. I’m so scared a part of me has been lost and all that is left is an empty shell. The pain is like no other and I agree I don’t believe he has gone I really don’t

Jackie, it’s just so hard. Our lives are forever changed which no one can truly understand unless they carry this invisible wound. I know I can never explain the depth of the emptiness losing Amy has caused. Hugs to you.

BARBARA

JACKIE- I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I LOST MY 22 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER 4 MONTHS AGO. ALL I DO IS CRY AND CRY. NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE. A WEEK CAN GO BY BEFORE I EVEN THINK TO TAKE A SHOWER. I FEEL AS IF I DO NOT BELONG IN THIS WORLD ANYMORE.EVERY NIGHT I PRAY THAT GOD WILL TAKE ME. WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING I AM SO DISSAPOINTED THAT I AM STILL HEAR. I DO NOT WANT TO GO ON. MEDICINE DOES NOT HELP AND MY THERAPIST SAYS THERE IS NOTHING MORE HE CAN DO FOR ME. IF THE WORLD WAS TO END TODAY I WOULD BE JUMPING WITH JOY.

Oh Barbara… 4 months of living in a nightmare in a world which seems to have kicked you in the face and stole any chance of future peace. Nothing prepares us to lose a child. 4 years later it still hurts like hell, but in a different way than the way it hurt at 4 months. If your current therapist is not helping, find another one. Please dont give up on life. Trust me, I know how difficult it is to keep pushing. It really is as though we exist in a different dimension from the rest of the world. I still feel that way too at times and find myelf crying every time I really think about losing my Amy. Do you have Compassionate Friend groups in your area? I found that group helpful the first two years. Just being around other parents who were also suffering helped me to feel less like an alien. Please do not give up. You are not alone.

Sarah

Oh bless you…reading this breaks me again…i.lost my 17.year old son in a RTA 203 days ago..i miss him soooo.much..thinking of what he was and all that he would of been…its hard as it wasnt his fault..he was a passenger..we have a court case to face..along the grief of losing him.
How does it get easier…when do you accept it…when is life going to get easier..

Sarah, Please know that my beloved Dee passed away on March 14, 2018. I saw that you had commented on this particular post and it caused me to re-read Dee’s words. At times my grief for Amy’s passing has been swallowed by my grief for Dee. Seeing Dee’s heartfelt emotion on a screen somehow helps although thevjust-now tears were uncontrollable.

Sarah

Jocelyn

I HATE DEATH..MY Youngest Son Age 41 died 3 Mths Ago from A SUDDEN FATAL CARDIAC ARREST.This happened to him while out Mountain Byking with His Brother.Absolute Tragity.His Life Over in a Matter of Minutes.SO SO UNFAIR..HE Was a Good Boy,Loving,Caring.A Best Friend to Many People.Everyone Is SO UPSET.HE Was My Shining Light. I Loved Him SO Much.. My World is Now Broken..I Am Broken..I Will Never Feel The Same About Life.I Will Grieve For Him Forever..Because LOVE LASTS FOREVER. I wouldn’t Wish This Heartache on Anyone.

Dying is a lonely journey. Not only for the sick person but also for the family. As hard as we may try to avoid death, the truth is that we do a lousy job of it. Science and medicine will certainly postpone it, even staying healthy might seem to delay it, but the harsh reality is that death does not wait for you, it does not ask you, and it does not listen to you. Death ignores your feelings and wants; you do not matter to death…Death is the only certainty in life! We need to remember that our existence here is fragile, and we never have as much time with people as we think we do. If there is someone or someones out there that you love, don’t neglect that and don’t put off engaging with them because waits for no-one... Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child.

Dying is a lonely journey. Not only for the sick person but also for the family. As hard as we may try to avoid death, the truth is that we do a lousy job of it. Science and medicine will certainly postpone it, even staying healthy might seem to delay it, but the harsh reality is that death does not wait for you, it does not ask you, and it does not listen to you. Death ignores your feelings and wants; you do not matter to death…Death is the only certainty in life! We need to remember that our existence here is fragile, and we never have as much time with people as we think we do. If there is someone or someones out there that you love, don’t neglect that and don’t put off engaging with them because waits for no-one... Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child.