Eric Hague

The Food and Drug Administration for the first time in two decades will propose major changes to nutrition labels on food packages, putting calorie counts in large type and adjusting portion sizes to reflect how much Americans actually eat. —The Times, February 27, 2014

Girl Scout Cookies, Samoas, 7 ounces Serving size: Just one more cookie. Servings per container: Look, I’m really sorry, O.K.? I know they’re your favorite. I don’t know what happened. I promise I’ll get you some more when I go out later. Just chill out. Jesus.

In what promises to be the first of its many wins in this tournament, top-ranked Unjustified Optimism tips off against Everything You’ve Learned Over the Years when that guy Jonathan stops by your cubicle to see if you want to chip in a hundred dollars for this year’s March Madness pool. Note that neither of Optimism’s traditional first-round rivals—Self-Control and Awareness of Your Own Limitations—even qualified for the postseason this year.

The Desire to Appear Insightful and Creative vs. Logic

Basic Reason’s bid for the title is likely to come to an abrupt end when it goes head-to-head with the perennial favorite, Your Irrational Need to Be Different, which comes fresh off a First Four victory against Not Really Understanding How March Madness Even Works. Note that The Desire has had some truly impressive runs in the past, including that time you designed your bracket around the schools that had the highest S.A.T. scores and you finished last in the pool, or the following year, when you designed your bracket around the schools that had the lowest S.A.T. scores and you finished last in the pool. Frankly, this year’s strategy—steering clear of those seed-number things everyone’s obsessed with and instead arranging teams based on their average shoe size—has success written all over it.

Fiscal Cliff: The potentially disastrous economic repercussions of the automatic tax hikes and spending cuts scheduled to take effect in 2013 should Congress fail to agree upon a workable alternative by the end of the year.

Fiscal Picturesque Woodland Hiking Trail: The relaxing climb up to the fiscal cliff that leads through the scenic forest of election-year procrastination before arriving at the summit of Mount Crazy Partisan Brinksmanship.

Fiscal Molehill: Where Congress’ T-Mobile contract is up, but it hasn’t made up its mind yet whether it’s going to renew and take the free handset upgrade, or just switch carriers and get an iPhone like all the other Congresses.