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First Impression: A Palindroming President

Alert readers of Chronogram will remember that poet Sparrow is running for President of the United States (as he has in every election since 1992). Here are some of his surprising new campaign pronouncements:

Running In Palindromes From now on, I will be the first presidential contender in American history to campaign entirely in palindromes. For example, as I travel through the United States, shaking hands and greeting my future constituents, my slogan will be: “Meet, see, esteem!”

More Palindromic Thought People ask me: “What is your reaction to the subprime mortgage crisis?” And I can only answer: “Stolen, O gone lots!” In other words, lots—subdivided land on which houses may be built—are gone. In fact, they are stolen. “By whom are they stolen?” my questioners ask. “By greedy banking conglomerates,” I reply. “They have stolen the lots (and also the homes) of the hoodwinked middle class!” “How may we address this crisis?” the bewildered public cries. “Steal the money back from the banking conglomerates!”

Further Palindroming What is the main thrust of your campaign?” Numerous concerned American workers ask me. The answer is simple: “Media? Raid ‘em!” In other words, mind-activists with my style of explosive, reality-shattering theories must raid the media, by any methods possible—even by chaining ourselves to the Saugerties Lighthouse, if necessary—to convey our bewilderingly crucial message.

Even More Palindrome-Politicking One of the most important planks of my new palindromic platform is: Go, FEMA! Sesame fog. FEMA, of course, is the Federal Emergency Management Agency, which was gutted under the Bush-Cheney theocracy, and has become virtually useless to the sufferers of New Orleans, or anywhere else. FEMA has settled into a kind of “sesame fog” of bureaucratic dithering. But I say: “Go, FEMA! Burst through that foggy tahini-like inertia! Serve the victims of floods, hurricanes, and severe earth tremors once more!”

The Stresses of Political Life Many inquisitive reporters ask me: “Sparrow, how do you bear up under the stresses of political life? For example, you are at least 43 percent behind either of the major candidates. Don’t you panic? Don’t you lose faith?” I coolly reply: “Panic? I nap!” A good nap takes the edge off of nearly any abysmal crisis, I find.

Two Radical Palindromes One of my most furious palindromic formulas is: Dammit, I’m mad! And it’s true! I am fundamentally angry about the Sunday School Fascism which has seized our once-facetious nation, and led us into two simultaneous last-ditch wars, and enough debt to sink the Frigate of the Future! Join with me, O Angry National Dissidents (though don’t vote for me!), and let’s march on every dazed armory in our land! In fact, let’s proudly bear the palindromic label: Revolt Lover.

A Palindromic Anti-Guantánamo Slogan It’s about time a Prez candidate spoke out on American torture, in a palindromic fashion. So here’s my statement: Torture Be Rut Rot! The use of “enhanced coercive interrogation techniques” (to use a baroque CIA euphemism for torture) has become a rut—a dreary habit of the American military. But by any name, cruelty is rotting our once-vernal soul.

New Palindromic Thrust It’s time for the dedicated palindrome-warriors to announce: Lasso loco colossal! Yes, we must lasso that colossal loco (insane person): Dick Cheney! I’m not advocating true violence, but we need to throw a lasso around Cheney’s girth, and rein in his Imperial war-thirst. Are you ready to join me?