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Topic : 06/27 Cut 'Em Off!

Number of Replies: 157

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Created on : Friday, January 27, 2006, 02:38:41 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 01/31/06) They can be young, they can be old. If they live in your house and spend all your hard-earned money -- they're moochers! First, Nancy and her four siblings are fed up with their mooching 21-year-old brother, Matt. He sleeps all day, has no job and depends on their father for all his expenses. They're concerned about the stress it's causing their dad. Can Dr. Phil convince Matt to set some goals for himself? Next, Pat, 49, says the only thing he has in common with his freeloading twin brother, Mike, is the roof over their heads! Can Pat get his twin on his own two feet before it destroys Pat's marriage? Plus, an update on the family of 13 all living in a trailer together. Who's the newest moocher? Join the discussion.

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Crippled Children - Parents too much smooth the way

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Dear Madam:

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I really feel for you. Parents seem to have this tendancy to want to "protect" their children - but, when are you going to let them go? When will you wean them to stand on their own? The children are crippled by such behavior as yours & others I've read, & if you don't cut off your son for his own good so he can learn about LIFE & Hard Knocks, he will mess up himself, the people near him, & possible society in general. The kid is on a downward spiral!

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Change your locks!!! Trust this advice!

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My late brother was spoiled rotten & had no boundries as per discipline. He learned to look right into anyone's eyes & lie like a rug. He died of cancer at age 37 (he had it for 5 years). Also, he didn't really want to get better! In his early '30s, he was still living w/Mommy & Daddy & getting free handouts & whatever else he wanted, he had a girlfriend he "said" he'd marry (uh-huh), & when he came down with colon cancer, he sabotaged himself so as to be dependent on said parents. Before I caught on to his "act," I really busted my ____ to try to get him all kinds of medical help. Then, one night when I was talking to him in the hospital, I got angry & asked him" Do you want to live/get better?!" His first (2nd & 3rd) response(s) were "I don't know!." I kept telling him this was a Yes or No answer - no middle ground. I wore him down. He finally shouted "Yes!! Is that what you want me to say??!!"

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My brother was very charming & could probably sell freezers to Eskimos, had he had the ambition to do so. But, a parent has to realize that if you support a child's every need (& I mean throwing money & whatever at the kid), said kid will not know what to do when the carpet is finally snatched out beneath him. He has not learned how to support himself, let alone other dependents. Your grandchildren will suffer as a result of your overt generosity to the kid who is a deadbeat. Also, it WILL happen. Death & taxes. I, myself, moved out of my parents' house when I was 20 years old, I had a full-time job, & somehow I made it. Actually, I loved it! I had my OWN ROOM(s) (2) just to myself & only I had the keys! Whoppee!!! Can you say freedom & a real sense of Responsibility?

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Dear Lady, you are only temporarily plugging a temporary hole/flood. You son MUST be disconnected from you to learn what Real Life is all about. Our world suffers from "Mama's kids/boys" -- mostly boys, as I have seen. They are deadbeats in many areas & polllute the rest of society. Do you want that to be your legacy? I don't think so. Tough love is needed. You cannot falter. Talk to your Pastor about this & anyone else you think might help you in this situation. This is serious & it is way too prevalent in our society. Have you read a book published many years ago about "The Peter Pan Syndrome?" It's about men whose mothers spoil them & get them out of all sorts of difficulties -- & therefore don't produce MEN. No, they're limp-limbed & irresponsible & just a really sad example of an American man. Trust me on this.

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I hope you consult your church people (in private) & other people you trust, & decide to do what is necessary to give your boy some backbone. It's not something easily acquired, as I know well. But, it is a great thing to have in one's journey through LIFE.

helping a relative with depression

I read the post from the girl who's fiance's brother is living with them and has bad depression. I just talked to my sister age 52 who is divorced and also has severe depression. She takes medication but finds it hsrd to work full-time. Due to the divorce, she is moving up by us. Fortunately,an elderly relative went into a home 6 months ago and we will let her stay at their house which is empty. I could never live with her. She has never had to be on her own and through 3 marriages.She feels very entitled because of the depression and my parents support her right now and this is a solution because she could live rent-free. She can get a part-time job but she has always had to take blocks of time off when the depression hits. She is a nurse so could find part-time work. My parents are giving her money for car payments, food and other bills and have been for almost a year. Some people with severe mental illness and depression like the brother might qualify for some type of disability. I have paid her rent at times and other bills. She does not have any idea of cutting costs and living by only paying what you have. She has run up credit card bills several times and my parents have enabled her by paying them off. It is frustrating. Now they are going to pay the $4000 to move all her stuff here. She has had it in storage and paying for that too. I am going to have to set some strict boundaries to keep my own health when she comes. I would settle your situation before thinking of getting married. We have fun together but she is very self absorbed.

Moochers

Everyone with a moocher please pay attention to what Dr. Phil says. I have been married for 30 yrs this Sept. and we have always taken care of at least one member of my husband's family at one time or another and alot of times more than one at a time. Two have died since, three are left, one isn't a problem. My husband's mother thinks that we should take care of her son who is 42 I believe, she nor the rest of the family like or respect me because I don't condone what they are doing to me and my husband. I just in the past few months told my husband to stop working and giving money to his brother and mother or I would divorce him, so as far as I know it has stopped. The mother who is 80 in March gives money etc. to the son so therefore I don't think we should give her money or anything. We used to do all repairs on her car and she let the other son drive it, but didn't even trust him to check the anitfreeze!! I am sick to death of my husband being an enabler, I agree with Dr. Phil, he isn't doing it for them , it's for him so that he doesn't feel guilty if one of them dies. Not Good on his part . He was raised by alcoholic parents and therefore feels a need to take care of everyone since he is the one who made a good life for himself and the rest didn't. His sister finally did in her 40's and his Mom quit drinking in her 40's but still expected us to take care of her two other sons and we took care of his dad alot too. My husband would give him money and he would throw a big barbeque at the Bar. Enough of that. Just please let your kids grow up, teach them to take care of themselves. That is our job as parents people!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And never work family or loan them money, you will only get in deeper and deeper. Concerned6

Cut 'Em Off!!

well, watching this show today has really hit home to me. My fiancee's brother is 34 going on 35 and still lives with his parents, that are in poor health as it is. He wont get a job, or get off his lazy behind and do anything about it. He thinks that they are made of money and supports his smoking habit and if there is a certain food that he doesn't want when dinner comes around, they make a special trip for him to get him what HE wants. Half of his life has gone by already and he wonders why he can't get a date and meet people and make friends......How many people would want to come by and say is Roger there?? Can he play??<<<just kidding. Everytime we go to visit he is laying there in his bed with his computer, garbage everywhere, dirty laundry everywhere and empty dirty glasses and plates everywhere in his room it is making me sick to my stomach, and is pissing me off, because his parents know that he needs to get out, but they are to nice to kick him out. Their health is deterioating and he doesn't care to lift a finger to help around the house or when he does get money, he doesn't give a penny of it back to them. I wish that there was some way that we could get his lazy mooching butt out of the house so that his parents can live in peace and enjoy the rest of their lives alone, like it should be........Korri

Absolutely Amazing

Have a hard time with adults that don't teach kids responsibility. When we had serious financial difficulties in the 70's & 80's my two Jr. High age students went and got a paper route on their own to help. My oldest couldn't find work - because grown men were working at Burger King etc., because the economy was so tough at the time. She took the repsponsibility of helping the younger ones with their route - drove them on Sunday mornings so they would have time to get to get ready for church after their a.m. route - drove them weekday evenings if the weather was bad - using our 'piece of a car' that we had at the time.&nbsp

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Dad worked two part time jobs - he was laid off from the rubber shops - I went back to work after many years as a stay-at-home mom. The oldest girl was our chauffer too and took care of the house in addition to attending school.&nbsp

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Dont' understand free-loaders - All 3 of these kids are hard working - very successful adults now.&nbsp

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Know how it started? they had chores to do from the time they could walk......It might just have been go put something in the waste basket - but it was their job.&nbsp

O I know where you are coming from!

I am starting a new life, I am engaged and plan to marry soon. But my fiancé suggested to his family that his brother will be better in South Carolina, rather than in
Michigan
where his parents and his brother live. The brother studied Bus. Law, he is 34 years old, he lost his driver’s license almost 10 years ago because of drinking and driving.I accepted to have him for one or two months at the most, so he can look for a job(s), earn some money, rent a place, and live by his own. But in the meantime he suffered from a severe depression. I knew that he had depression, but not at this very high degree, that he was hospitalized.Now it has been 3 months that he has been living with us and I have taken the role of the mother & the nurse. My fiancé has been so stressed that has affected our relationship and soon his job, not mentioning that we have any privacy. I think I had gone to extremes to make him decide between his brother and me. Fortunately, he chooses me, but he answers that if we will just kick him out of the house and take away the opportunity of being a lawyer and someone here.My fiancé takes him to work everyday, he won’t take the bus. He is not social at all; he only waits for his brother to come to talk and someday to take him out. My fiancé won’t do or tell him anything because he is afraid that he will get more depressed and commit something bad… He could be hours sitting down without doing anything or sleeping the whole day because of his disease of severe depression, we have to hide every alcoholic beverage, and tell him what to do.&nbsp

I don’t want to get marry being at this situation (and to “marry” his brother also!), and my fiancé is worried that in the future if his parents are gone, who will take care of his brother, sounds that I am the mean one of the story.And if I will just leave him because I won’t be willing to take care of his brother. He is not a person that I will like to live around my children. &nbsp

What do I do? I love my fiancé, but he is an extremely good brother and taking the role of their parents.&nbsp

Thanks so much for any help or advice. &nbsp

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I am married 6 years, 2 years ago I was living in a horrible night mare. My husband's cronic alcoholic father almost (but unfortunate not) drank him self to death, he was hospitalize 2 months and then my husband moved him into our 2 bedroom home,(we had 2 kids) He was unable to care for him self so my husband took on that role with out my concent. His father had no money no desire to help out ever, even when he was able too, He just laid around all day for 1 year eating and sleeping and never appreciateing anything we did for him, it was all an expectation. And then to top it all off I found out my husband was having an affair and she was pregnant 6 months and to top it all off he(MY HUSBAND) was also addicted to METH!.

I looked to GOD for my strength because no way could I do this on my own, I demanded my husband find other care for his father, seek conceling from our church for our marriage and watch him like a hawk in every step he takes, It's still a rocky road but each day we are rebuilding a little stronger.

It's all good when say they will

What I'd like to know is what should I do when I have taken all of the steps Dr. Phil mentions!!! After four years of my son having fun ball batting mail boxes, running through corn fields with his car, avoiding the deputies and making false 911 calls from a cell phone reporting a heart attack in a town to get them off the trail, transprtation of alcohol, disturbing the peace, finally ending up totaling his 3rd car (we only paid for his first) with a DUI. He has for the last 4 years broken into my business and "borrowed money", actually opened his siblings birthday cards and stolen their gift money, stealing money out of secret places (or so I thought), and it goes on. He could be working every day with his dad but as some of these others today, he feels he is better than minimum wage. He stays out till 4 P.M. and sleeps till 2 or three P.M.. I have locked all of our doors while we have been gone for vacations telling him he cannot stay here and he breaks into the house. After his DUI I sat down with him and we DID set a plan for work, bills, and weekly allowance for spending after I have done all that actually was said today on the show you cannot enforce even the planning and goals that we have set together. He has just gone back to his ways. He has a patent pending with great idea he invented. He wants to go to college. But he doesn't want to do what it takes to get there. I am not willing to put money towards college because I know he would not get up to get there also since I would have to drive him he would be to embaraced.&nbsp

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So all your advice is great....but when push comes to shove I see these people on the show and say to myself what is the answer.&nbsp

My Mooching ex and many.

I'm from Denver Colorado and I wanted to jump into this forum after watching this show. I wish my ex-fiancee watched that show or been on it to have Dr. Phil talk to him. He had his own apartment that was messy to the extreme, the 11 months we were together he has had 5 jobs! That's insane. Whenever he was between jobs he has bought and sold on e-bay or Craig's list. He borrowed money from me several times to buy watches and other computer gadgets he did not need or was not a priority. He knew that I got a Christmas check every year that consisted of a large sum of money and took it for granted. He always paid me back although he did not have as much money as me and spent it more than I did and carlessly to say the least. His problem was not only mooching but hoarding too. &nbsp

My phone always rang the minute I was leaving work was not how was your day it was to get groceries for him. My money ran out fast that year. He seemed more interested in marrying into the family money than me. He was in it for the ride. There is a reason he's an ex now! Thanks for letting me post.&nbsp