DAVIS: (NARRATES) Mr. Hellman sat down nervously. Mr. Hellman didn't have much time, it appeared, but Mr. Hellman HAD the million dollars in currency that I had named as my price for my soul. And he also had a bill of sale, neatly typed in triplicate.

No, it didn't seem odd at all. That's why I suggest you never mention aloud that YOU'D be willing to dispose of your own immortal soul for this, that or the other thing.

Well, Mr. Hellman gets around.

And he's a mighty sharp businessman, for all his apparent nervousness.

So, Mr. Hellman got up and went to the door.

SOUND: (DOOR OPENS WITH A LONG CREAK)

HELLMAN: Well, uh, good - good night, Mr. Davis. It's a pleasure to do business with you, sir.

DAVIS: Thank YOU, Mr. Hellman.

HELLMAN: I'll be seeing you, uh, soon then.

SOUND: (DOOR CREAKS BUT DOES NOT ENTIRELY CLOSE)

DAVIS: (CALLS AFTER HIM) Hey, close the door, Mr. Hellman!

(NARRATES) But Mr. Hellman had gone on out and me with a million dollars in currency, well, I - I hopped to the door to close it fast.

Not fast enough, though.

Well, there were two men there with revolvers.

I didn't get a chance to say a word. They both fired...

SOUND: (TWO QUICK GUNSHOTS)

DAVIS: (NARRATES) ... and I saw 'em run down the hallway with my beautiful new million dollars.

I tried to yell but, well, I couldn't.

And I turned around.

There I was, lyin' on the floor, all bloody.

And Mr. Hellman spoke to my ear:

HELLMAN: Well, I guess you can come along now, Mr. Davis. I kept MY bargain. Now, you keep yours.

(MUSIC ... AN ACCENT ... THEN IN BG)

DAVIS: (NARRATES) So that's how come I was sitting a little while later in a little dark room with Mr. Hellman. There wasn't much light in there. What light there was seemed to come from way up high, near the ceiling and sort of flickered, uh -- like the light that comes from a fireplace?

Mr. Hellman was sitting at a desk, looking at me, and his eyes seemed to dart all around the room-- Well, maybe that was from the flickering light. He didn't say anything for a long while. Just sat there and - bit his fingernails. And then he spoke:

HELLMAN: Well, I - I may as well confess. Er, you - you see most of the people who - who make an - arrangement with me about their souls as you did, are due to come here anyway, eventually.

DAVIS: I don't get it.

HELLMAN: I - I mean, they've already committed a crime or a sin or whatever you like. Enough to qualify them for our, uh, little institution. A-and so the transaction really doesn't mean anything, except to, er, expedite their arrival. Er, do you see?

DAVIS: You mean you cheat 'em! You gyp 'em!

HELLMAN: Oh, come, come now, Mr. Davis. Business is business.

DAVIS: Er, I suppose so. Uh, but - but what's that got to do with me?

HELLMAN: A great deal, Mr. Davis. Your soul belongs to me, according to the terms of our contract, you see, but, uh, you haven't committed any sins, according to my records. So you're in a very strange position.

DAVIS: I don't get it.

HELLMAN: Why, you see, you're a regular inmate now, Mr. Davis, but I can't send you out to the, er, fire department or - or any of the other departments like, uh, the rest of our, uh, guests, because you're - you're not qualified. It's-- Yes, it's very, very distressing.

DAVIS: (NARRATES) Yeah, I felt quite perky as I wandered around Mr. Hellman's remarkable institution. Well, who wouldn't? I'd had a pretty tough time on Earth. There - there were plenty of times when I'd wondered where the next meal was coming from. Well, I HAD had a million dollars even if it was for only a few minutes and there aren't very many people in the world who can say that.

Then, now, here I was, a non-paying permanent guest and Mr. Hellman himself admitted he couldn't do anything about it. Just that alone was enough to make me feel pretty smart and, yeah, pretty smug. Especially when I'd catch Mr. Hellman's expression occasionally out of the corner of an eye. (CHUCKLES)

You know, Mr. Hellman's a very hard person to outwit. Well, people have been trying to do it ever since, er-- Well, ever since.

And now look who did it! Little old Joe Davis, the guy that never had a nickel. The guy that sold his soul and made a profit on it! (LAUGHS HAPPILY, THEN GROWS QUICKLY SERIOUS)

Well, uh, I was smart to do my laughing early.

Oh, Mr. Hellman's ingenious. When I think of some of the things he had people doing!

My, oh, my!

Well, I'd seen enough of the place to decide that I was a very, very lucky fella and - also to wish I'd never made this deal. So I can say definitely that I WASN'T happy. Mr. Hellman saw that, too. And he talked to me about it.

(MUSIC ... A SLIGHT TWINGE ... THEN OUT)

HELLMAN: Uh, Mr. Davis, you're not happy.

DAVIS: No, I'm NOT, Mr. Hellman.

HELLMAN: Well, I'm not either.

DAVIS: Yes, but YOU can do something about it. I can't.

HELLMAN: You're a disturbing influence here.

DAVIS: Well, I can't help that. You brought me here.

HELLMAN: You're ruining the morale here.

DAVIS: How?

HELLMAN: Well, you keep telling my staff members how you outsmarted me on this deal.

DAVIS: (CHUCKLES) No, I don't. I tell 'em how you outsmarted yourself.

HELLMAN: Well, I want you to stop it.

DAVIS: Uh, Mr. Hellman, I'm an unwilling guest here, you know.

HELLMAN: Don't I know it!

DAVIS: Well, why don't you do something about it?

HELLMAN: I want you to stop carrying tales about me or--

DAVIS: Or what, Mr. Hellman?

HELLMAN: Mr. Davis, er, you want to get out of here, don't you?

DAVIS: I certainly do.

HELLMAN: Now, Mr. Davis, if I, uh, let you out of here, would, er, would you stop being - mean to me?

DAVIS: Huh? Ohhh! Tryin' to bribe me, huh?

HELLMAN: Yes, I am, Mr. Davis. On a purely business basis, you understand.

DAVIS: (INSULTED, INDIGNANT) No, I've never considered murder, Mr. Hellman! And if you think you're going to suck ME into committing a crime so you can put me out there with the other boys and girls, uh-- (LAUGHS) Oh, now, Mr. Hellman, really, I - I did think you were smarter than that. (LAUGHS) Why, even after the way you messed up this other deal between us--

HELLMAN: Now, don't rub it in, Mr. Davis.

DAVIS: Well, I mean--

HELLMAN: You see, I could give you leads. All you'd have to do is appear on Earth and - and sort of, uh, uh, uh, stick around, giving these various people an - an opportunity to - to murder you - and - and then, well, you see, they - they automatically qualify for a place here.

HELLMAN: Well, you got excellent results. He'll be down here before you know it and - and you and he will have a good many laughs over it ...

DAVIS: Yeah.

HELLMAN: ... before I give him his assignment.

DAVIS: Yeah.

HELLMAN: Well, now, shall we try again, Mr. Davis?

(MUSIC ... IN BG)

DAVIS: We shall not!

HELLMAN: Ohhh, but, Mr. Davis, I'm afraid you'll have to.

DAVIS: What?! Why?!

HELLMAN: You signed an agreement, Mr. Davis. My, my, my, will you never learn to read things before you sign them?

(MUSIC ... AN ACCENT ... THEN UNDER)

DAVIS: (NARRATES) Well, this time it wasn't so bad. Er, for a while.

Well, I was smart. I never went near the fella for two months. And I lived like a king. I will say this for Mr. Hellman, he's generous with an expense account. Course, some people say that all the money there is belongs to him but, er, well, they're willing to take it, regardless.

Mr. Hellman was all right about it. He - he didn't rush me. (CHUCKLES) And I begun to wonder how long I could get away with it. Well, I say I had a lot of money. I went a lot of places, putting this thing off as long as I could. Yeah, I was havin' fun. I got ideas.

Well, you see, I'd met this girl.

Oh, sure, a girl comes into ANY story sooner or later.

I never had a girl in my previous life, before Mr. Hellman - so I-- Ah, I was nuts about this one. I remember I got very sentimental with her. Kind of forgot, I guess.

(MUSIC ... TURNS ROMANTIC ... UNDER)

DAVIS: (NARRATES) Was a beautiful night. With a million stars. We'd been dancing on an outdoor terrace. I really did forget who I was.

THE GIRL: Oh, it sure is a beautiful night, isn't it?

DAVIS: Mm. The stars.

THE GIRL: Ya could just reach up and touch 'em.

DAVIS: Make ya feel romantic?

THE GIRL: Kinda.

DAVIS: Me, too.

THE GIRL: Let's stay out here a while.

DAVIS: (SIGHS) I was hoping you'd say that.

THE GIRL: You were? Why?

DAVIS: Don't you know?

THE GIRL: Mm? 'Cause it's cool?

DAVIS: No.

THE GIRL: 'Cause you're tired o' dancing?

DAVIS: No.

THE GIRL: Why?

DAVIS: (LOW WHISPER) You.

THE GIRL: Me?

DAVIS: Yes. I love you.

THE GIRL: Oh, now, look, don't be "ridic--"!

DAVIS: I'm not, I'm not. I love you.

THE GIRL: Oh, listen, dear--

DAVIS: I love you.

THE GIRL: Listen, I said!

DAVIS: (AFTER A BEAT) Well?

THE GIRL: Look, you're nice to be around with and you spend your money and you take me places and I have kind of fun with ya. But that's as far as it goes.

DAVIS: Well, but--

THE GIRL: Now, now, now, skip it.

DAVIS: Why, I tell you--

THE GIRL: Why do you have to be so serious? Don't spoil everything.

DAVIS: But I thought that we--

THE GIRL: I KNOW what you thought. You thought I was falling for you. Well, I'm not.

DAVIS: Darling! I want to marry you.

THE GIRL: Marry YOU? Why, you old FOOL! (LAUGHS) Marry YOU! (GIGGLES)

DAVIS: Darling! Darling, please listen to me!

THE GIRL: (CHUCKLES) Look, Pops, I don't want to be mean to you but, after all, you're old enough to be my father. And I don't want to hear any more about it. Now, do you wanna go back in and dance? Or do you wanna get me a taxi and let me go home?

DAVIS: (NARRATES) And as she stood there laughing at me, I - I thought I heard someone else laughing and - it sounded like Mr. Hellman.

DAVIS: (NARRATES) So I went to see my prospect. And it wasn't very hard, feeling the way I did. "I'm old enough to be her father," am I? Heh. Yeah, it wasn't very difficult to taunt him into drawing a revolver. So I got murdered for the third time and Mr. Hellman had a new inmate and, eh, it didn't hurt very much after all. And I - well, I wondered how that girl felt about it.

Well. (SIGHS) I had a nice apartment down there in Mr. Hellman's place. But I didn't get much time to use it. That's one thing you want to remember about making a bargain with Mr. Hellman. Well, the bargain part of it is always on his side.

I brought in twenty-six new customers and, well, then I thought it was time for a vacation.

Why, after all-- Well, you try getting murdered twenty-six times. It wears you out. I had scars all over me!

So I spoke to Mr. Hellman. "Mr. Hellman," I said, "I need a vacation. I've been workin' awful hard, Mr. Hellman, and I'm worn out. Why, Mr. Hellman," I said, "I - I've got so there isn't any place left to shoot me without goin' through an old bullet hole!"

HELLMAN: Why, I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Davis, but a bargain is a bargain.

DAVIS: But, look, I tell ya, I--

HELLMAN: Sorry, Mr. Davis, but business is business. You cost me a million dollars.

DAVIS: But I never got a cent of it.

HELLMAN: I'm sure you realize that that's not my fault, Mr. Davis.

DAVIS: Are you SURE about that, Mr. Hellman?

HELLMAN: I don't care to discuss it, Mr. Davis.

(MUSIC ... IN BG)

HELLMAN: Now, here is another very good prospect that I want you to see just as soon as possible.

DAVIS: Well, I won't do it.

HELLMAN: Mr. Davis, must I take steps? Now, about this black market chap ... (FADES)

(MUSIC ... BUILDS TO AN ACCENT ... THEN UNDER)

DAVIS: (NARRATES) Well, I hadn't had any rest for so long, I was so fed up with this Mr. Hellman and the job he forced me into, I said to myself, "I'm gonna double-cross you, Mr. Hellman. I'm gonna get some rest somehow. Somehow."

So I walked into this black marketeer's office. He seemed to be a rather nice fella.

BLACK MARKETEER: How do ye do, young man? What can I do for ye?

DAVIS: I don't want anything.

BLACK MARKETEER: Automobile?

DAVIS: No, thanks.

BLACK MARKETEER: A washing machine?

DAVIS: (LAUGHS) Now, what could I do with a washing machine?

BLACK MARKETEER: Ah, change a thousand dollar bill for ye?

DAVIS: No.

BLACK MARKETEER: Well... An apartment, maybe?

DAVIS: An apartment? Say, THAT I could use.

BLACK MARKETEER: It's a deal, sir. Just look at this. Four rooms, bath newly decorated, daily maid service, modern kitchen. Finest apartment in the city. How about it?

DAVIS: (NARRATES) I was standing over him with the smoke still reeling its way upward out of my revolver and - he was as dead as a doornail on the thick, green rug. The door opened and I turned around.

HELLMAN: (VERY PLEASED) Well, well, well, Mr. Davis!

DAVIS: (SURPRISED) Hellman!

HELLMAN: (CORRECTS HIM) MISTER Hellman, Davis. Well, now you have been and gone and done it, haven't you?

DAVIS: Did you hear what he was tryin' to sell me?!

HELLMAN: Mr. Davis, I hope you realize that your days as a guest in my institution are over.

DAVIS: (CONFUSED) You mean--? You mean, I don't have to go back now?

HELLMAN: (DISTRACTED, CLICKS HIS TONGUE) My, he certainly is dead. You're a very good shot, Mr. Davis.

DAVIS: Well, he made me so mad that--

HELLMAN: Yes, indeed.

DAVIS: Well--

HELLMAN: Er, wha - what were you saying about not having to come back?

DAVIS: Oh, uh, uh, did you mean I - I don't have to come back now, Mr. Hellman?