A few weeks ago I shared six reasons why we need community. Life in community with others is fuller, richer, more fun, and is better for your intimacy with Jesus. Today: the corollary to this post: Why we don’t want community and instead love to isolate.

6 Reasons Why We Avoid Community

Here are six reasons why we avoid community, choosing isolation over relationships with others.

1. We are full of pride. The number one reason why we don’t want community is because we don’t want others to see our issues. If I avoid others, then they don’t have to see my real problems. As long as my personal public relations department is working, then you can just see my good side. I’m afraid what will happen if I let you see all of my problems.

Sometimes we don’t want others to know our struggles because we believe they’ll think less of us. Meanwhile, the one who conceals his sin will never prosper (Proverbs 28:13). So instead of walking with the wise, we continue to play the fool and suffer harm (Proverbs 13:20). We love our sin more than we love our Savior.

2. We don’t want to get well. We talk a good game, but when it comes down to it, we are like the man in John 5:1-15 who says he wants to get well, but really doesn’t want to pay the price required for real life change. Just like I shared about my pornography struggles in the past, I claimed I wanted to get well, but just didn’t want to give up my sin.

For example: say you struggle with money/consumerism. You know you can’t afford to buy the new television, but you really want it. So you hide from community, who will probably tell you no, so you just avoid even bringing up the topic. Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.”

3. We belong to churches that don’t value authentic community. Many churches don’t talk about community and relationships, and if they do, they portray a shallow, inauthentic picture of community. Many of us are in “community,” but we’re not really in community. In other words, we show up and pretend or just give the partial picture.

Watermark just finished a six-part series called “Together” where we challenged all members of community groups to devote daily, live authentically, counsel biblically, pursue relationally, engage missionally and admonish faithfully. If Watermark is not your church home or if it is and you haven’t heard the series, please listen to the messages. In all my years of going to Watermark, this has been one of my favorites.

4. We (allegedly) don’t have time. We have plenty of time to watch every sports game or every reality television show, but when it comes to community, all of sudden we don’t have the time. Or, we prioritize the wrong things. I am often guilty of this one. I can make time for my own selfish desires, and consequently I can choose to place other pursuits in life over relationships.

5. We hide behind our personality and wiring. In other words, the introvert can make the excuse they don’t need community because they do not draw life from being with others. In reality, we are wired with a need for relationships. It is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18)! All you need to do is look at all of the “One anothers” in scripture to see that we were ALL meant to live in community with others (i.e. Galatians 6:2 – Bear one another’s burdens, Colossians 3:13 – Forgive one another, Hebrews 3:13 – Encourage one another).

6. A special word for my friends in full-time vocational ministry. We think we have to have it all together. Sometimes we believe the lie that we have to portray the perfect life. I just listened to one of my great friends share yesterday as he celebrated finishing up our recovery program, re:generation. What I love about this friend is that he is in a very public ministry role in our church. I love how he isn’t afraid to share where he falls short, but also took the time to do something about it.

If those of us in full-time vocational ministry feel the need to pretend like we have it all together, then why would those in our local churches feel the freedom to share their hurts, habits, addictions and struggles? We need others in our lives who will love us, accept us and aren’t impressed by us.

As I shared in my prior post, the form of community is not nearly as important as the function of community. If you don’t have community in your life, ask why not and then do whatever you have to do to find it and live it out.

Your Turn:

As you look at the list above, which of the six reasons do you most struggle with that keep you from experiencing community with others?

We’re all sinners – everyone one of us! So why do you think we feel the need to hide from others, when community is one of God’s greatest gifts and provisions for spiritual growth?

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Michael

Thanks for the great insight Scott! No doubt we all struggle to fight against one or more of those from time to time. It’s great to be reminded of those truths about our need to be in relationship and community.

I do struggle to understand why we continue to use the term sinners for believers. Nowhere in the New Testament are Christians called Sinners but rather we are Holy, Righteous, redeemed, a slave of righteousness, part of a royal priesthood, born again, new creations having been crucified with Christ and having a new heart and a new spirit. Let me be clear, this is not self-righteousness but rather Christ’s righteousness imputed into us. The more we understand that our true identity is in Christ, the more we understand the freedom that brings to love the way He loved us. We are citizens of Heaven on mission to radically love.
Yes we still sin but birth determines identity not our actions. We have been born again and sealed with the Holy Spirit and it’s time we embrace our new identity secured in Christ on the grounds of what He did, not what we do. Sin is a symptom of a fallen world not an identity marker of a chosen and redeemed people

I think Andrew Farley’s “Relaxing with God” is a great resource for understand how we are tangibly changed after trusting in Christ.

“For as by the one man’s disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one man’s obedience the many will be made righteous.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭5:19‬ ‭ESV‬‬

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Scott Kedersha

Hey Michael – thanks for the kind words and the great question. A question which I know many have wrestled through, and one in which I know I can’t fully answer.

I was just wrestling through some of this with Paul’s language in Romans 7:14-25, the great debate in which Paul wrestles between doing the things he doesn’t want to do. I believe he’s speaking as post-conversion Paul, and still struggles in his position as a saint.

I do appreciate your point and need to be careful with my verbiage. I’m familiar with Farley’s book. I have heard a differing viewpoint comes from John Owens (perhaps in the book Mortification of Sin).

Thank you for the reminder that we are righteous through Jesus.

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Michael

Scott, thank you for the gracious reply! You’re humbleness is encouraging.

No doubt that we live in the flesh and the flesh is weak but the Spirit is willing. I just see Paul constantly drawing a contrast from who we were to who we now are. Ephesians and Galatians are great examples. I feel Paul and by extension God, goes to great lengths to tells us we are new and to walk in that newness of life. I think the more we embrace our new identity the more our actions will flow from who we are.

I lead in men’s summit and I’ve just seen so many guys feel so discouraged and fall back on “well I’m just a sinner”. I feel that believers feel encouraged when they hear that they are new creations and that they have the Holy Spirit working in them and He can do above and beyond all that we ask of think (Ephesians 3:20)

Just saw a butterfly the other day and I was thinking how that perfectly identifies believers. When we see a butterfly we don’t go “hey look at that caterpillar”. We don’t identify it by its old status but rather by its new state. The caterpillar like a sinner becomes a new creation. Caterpillars become butterflies and sinners become saints

Romans 7 is often brought up in this conversation and I think Paul does a great job in romans 8 on clarifying the ambiguity of Romans 7. I think verse 9 and 10 are particularly encouraging in dealing with our flesh.

You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:2-4, 9-11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

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Michael Amlani

One last thought that really got me thinking awhile ago and it comes from Watchman Nee’s The Normal Christian Life. We were not sinners because we sin, we were sinners because we were born of Adam and Eve (Romans 5:19). I believe he also adds that we don’t need to be sinners to sin, after all Adam and Eve weren’t sinners when they first sinned.

I am so grateful for the great conversation and I pray that you will continue to wrestle with this question. I have read a lot of your posts and I feel that the battle comes out in your writings. I pray God will use your wrestling to produce great things and a stronger faith!