Keep it cute, or put it on mute.

Welcome to episode 3 of America’s Next Top Unemployed Woman! Last week, the girls had to portray ‘the beauty of innocence’. Isabella put her hands in front of her face and had her epilepsy under control, so she didn’t make for good TV like her bottom 2 partner, Sandra, and she was sent. home. TWELVE GIRLS REMAIN… WHO WILL BE ELIMINATED TONIGHT?!

You wanna be on top?! Hey wait… Didn’t I see this shit last cycle? Why is Tyra pointing aggressively at the same assistant looking man? Is she too busy saving the world or something to do a new one? They used the weird promo pictures with the pursed lips makeup… London (who shall now be known as Liverpool), Natalie, Aminat, Fo, Celia, Tahlia, Isabella, Sandra, Kortnie, Nijah, Jessica, Teyona and Allison. I don’t think the order on the theme song means jack, but the minor speculation that I’ve done shows that the girl who is last almost always goes to the overseas location (Cycles 4 and 11 are the exception), and the last girl has come in third in 3 cycles.

Cycle 1- Elyse (Adrianne was second)

Cycle 2- April (Yoanna was third)

Cycle 3- Amanda (Eva was eleventh)

Cycle 4- Tiffany (Naima was twelfth)

Cycle 5- Lisa (Nicole was seventh)

Cycle 6- Danielle was last for this one.

Cycle 7- Twins (CariDee was ninth)

Cycle 8- Jaslene was last for this one.

Cycle 9- Jenah (Saleisha was third)

Cycle 10- Lauren (Whitney was third)

Cycle 11- Clark (McKey was fourth)

So, in recent cycles… Being three or four is good? Third is Aminat. Fourth is Fo. Call me crazy, but I think both of them are possible winners.

First two interviews- Allison and Fo… Both about Allison’s #1 picture. Fo said she felt she did a better job than Allison which segways into all the girls giving Allison some unenthusiastic praise about her picture, which was ‘Wide-eyed’, ‘Innocent’, and ‘Absolutely adorable’, according to the judges. Obviously it’s wide eyed. Allison is always wide eyed. Let’s not be redundant here, judges. Now that I’ve stopped having nightmares over creepychan, I’m really feeling Allison.

Sandra, who was in the bottom 2 last week, loves her (stiff and uninspired) photo and she feels like she has potential. We cut to Aminat and Sandra in the kitchen and all the other girls standing on the stairs, watching the action. Aminat says that the better girl went home and that if Sandra had left, nobody would have been sad. She says ‘Bye bitch’ and I fall even more in love with her, if that’s possible. Aminat 4 life. Sandra says that she isn’t a bitch, in a confessional. Shockerrrr.

Now it’s time for me to cut in and give my two cents about this cycle’s villain, if you can even call her that, since the villains are usually INTERESTING and this one is blander than dry toast. People have been comparing Sandra to Jade because of her um, overconfidence. As a huge fan of Jade, I would just like to say that I am extremely offended by this. Jade was DELUSIONAL, but bitch could model. Sandra is pure evil, and she isn’t even fun to watch, nor is she working any of her model-esque-ness (Yeah, I just made that up). How many of us thought Sandra was one to beat at first? She’s a huge disappointment, and she’s not even interesting. Jade was hilarious, and gave us moments of humanity… Sandra. Is. A. Bee. Yotch. And a boring beeyotch, at that. Like, we get it… you love yourself. Do something interesting. Okay, rant over.

Back to the fight… Aminat then tells Sandra that everyone liked Isabella better than her, and Sandra doesn’t care, because the judges made the better choice, and it’s all about her… not them. First of all, how dare Aminat talk about dead contestants like that? Just kidding. Sandra’s full of herself. Tell me something I don’t know, editing.

Jessica automatically seals herself a bottom 2 edit by saying that she doesn’t agree with the judges critique of her. Big mistake, O Boxy One. In this competition, Tyra is your god. She sees their criticisms as homework, and she predicts that she’s going to kick ass at the next photoshoot. Uh huh. I cannot stand Boxy McBoxy. I would have booted her ass last week, even before Isabella’s friggin terrible picture.

OH MY GOD TYRA MAIIIIIL. Something about turning heads. They step outside and we’re given the eyesore that is their new PINK. PLAID. LIMOUSINE. I kid you not. I mean, seriously? So much for being a ‘green’ show. That thing is a gas guzzler if I’ve ever seen one. How about spending some dollars on decent photoshoots instead of hideola cars, guys? Nijah says that it’s ‘Barbie doll and cute’, and that they’ll certainly be turning heads in it. Yeah, and people will be committing drive-by shootings.

OMG J(AY)S. They’re inside the Bergdorf Goodman salon. Mr. Jay’s cell phone rings and virtual Tyra mail is on the screen… What follows is probably the singlehandedly stupidest thing I’ve ever seen on the show, and that is saying everything. Suddenly, the likes of ‘Do an Aussie accent but make it sound natural’, and ‘Be a circus stereotype’, and ‘America’s Next Top Model is… Saleisha’ seem like thesis statements in astrophysics. Tyra is dressed like Michael Jackson, and Miss J refers to her as ‘T’. What. The. Fuck. What happened to the aggressive execution of ‘TYRA’, like Mr. Jay is always doing? Way to support this deranged woman, Miss J. She explains, ‘Your mission is to make these busted up models into high fashion, fabulous, femme fatalian models. You have ‘dossiers’ (More on that in a second) that explain how. It will be very tough. There will be tears. There will be OH NO, NOT MY HAIIIIR. Cut it. Slice it. Dice it. GOOD LUCK.’

There are so many things wrong with this… I could do an entire post about that. First of all, my paraphrasing sucks. I couldn’t type fast enough to get the whole thing accurately. Second of all, since when is she T? Why is she talking like she’s in a bad studio porno? Why the fuck do they have DOSSIERS containing makeovers? We all know Tyra is going to show up as Michael ‘Tyra’ Jackson and tell everyone what she wants for a makeover, so why are we wasting paper with her fucking dossiers? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I did love the jab at Cassandra though when Tyra was all ‘There will be tears’. That was great. That bitch sucked.

So, then the girls get out of the Ridiculousmobile, and go inside. Mr. Jay tells them that they’re in the salon (I can’t remember the name, and I don’t really care that much anyway) of Bergdorf Goodman… Getting a taste of high fashion life. Doesn’t Celia work at Bergdorf’s? She’s probably like ‘Ew, I did this shit to get away from work’.

OMG MAKEOVER TIME OMG YAYAYAYAY.

Apparently, people wait two months for this faggy John fellow, who I will refer to as Prissy Pants, to cut their hair. Who tells us this? Celia, of course, being the good employee of Bergdorf’s. I really want Celia to win all of a sudden. She seems like she knows fashion and has a realistic view of the modeling world, unlike most of these rose colored glasses wearing bitches. I’m really sad that she’s 25.

As expected, Tyra shows up in the corner of the screen, dressed like MJ and still donning her porn voice to tell each girl about their makeover. Before she can go there, Aminat says that she needs to work it out with a makeover, and that even though she loves her ‘fro, it’s ‘thirsty’, and she’s okay with letting it go.

Jessica needs to be edged out. Yeah, and she needs to stop looking like a box. She gets a little red and a little wave. She thinks this will give her ‘more opportunity’. It looks good, but there isn’t really a difference. Maybe a little fluffier. I miss Tyra the Fairy Godmother, and that’s really unfortunate, because that was the dumbest part of Cycle 11.

Sandra gets a makeover that is literally the worst thing since the Tootie bob on Saleisha from cycle 9. It’s like… dehydrated piss (as in, drink more water) yellow and it looks photoshopped onto her scalp. I kid you not. I immediately thought of this:

Except it’s shorter. So, she did go bald… but it isn’t a Nnenna makeover like I wanted.

I worry about this… I feel like Tyra will load praise onto her for ‘working through’ such a shitty makeover. Stranger things have happened. I hate that I feel sorry for Sandra… ew.

Allison gets long, skanky looking blond extensions, to accent her big eyes. I think it looks kind of hilarious. She thinks she looks like a mermaid. At first, I was horribly disturbed, but it does sort of make her look like a China doll. Sort of. I think her eyes would have looked fine with a bunch of blondish highlights, not a color that totally washes her out, but like I said, it’s sort of growing on me. She reminds me of Jenah a little bit with the new look.

Nijah’s got ‘nice’ hair… She gets some wave and a little length? No difference. Poor Nijah. She’s getting a boring makeover to match her boring edit.

Fo is getting her hair chopped the fuck off to accentuate her bone structure and so she isn’t so cute. She’s devastated. She wanted extensions. I think it looks amazing on her, and it really does bring out some great features.

Celia is too ‘bouncing blonde’. She gets her hair cut super short. She’s pretty laid back about it… A few tears, but she knows she’ll be able to work it. Bitch has cheekbones for days. I want to marry her.

Natalie has stood next to every person during their makeover, looking scared.

Aminat’s afro is too limiting, so they cut it off and Miss. J starts wearing that thing like it’s a fur stole. Aminat goes ‘Questionable, Jay. QUESTIONABLE behavior’. More people need to say that to him. She just reminded me why I love her. She gets a long, black weave and looks so much like Cycle 6’s Danielle that I’m going to start calling her Amidanielle again, even though I know her name is pronounced ‘Uh mee nuh’, not ‘Am I not’. She looks gorgeous, and calls herself ‘fantabulous’. I’m still a little worried that she’ll lose some spark along with that ‘fro, but I hope she can prove me wrong.

Kortnie is apparently too tan, and Tyra can’t fix that, but she can edge her out a little, and Kortnie becomes a redhead. It’s a little brassy, but I’m glad they didn’t cut it.

Liverpool has great bone structure, so she gets short, bleach blonde hair. She immediately screeches ‘OH MY GAWWWWWWWD’, and it’s the first time I’ve liked her. She sort of reminds me of me, and she didn’t feel the need to praise Jesus for her makeover, which is very 80s Madonna:

She also looks sort of like a poor man’s Agyness Deyn… Oh god. I can’t believe I just compared Liverpool to a supermodel.

Natalie is flipping balls about a potential haircut. She keeps saying DUDE, NO. Mr. Jay says ‘You’re making Prissypants wait and you’re making Tyra wait’. Oh boohoo, wait for what? A bucket of ribs? Tell that bitch to calm down and make me a new theme song. Prissypants says he shall not be told to wait. We cut to commercial, and when we return, Jay tells Natalie that ‘At the end of the day, nothing is happening’. Special Agent T says ‘Natalie? She looks good the way she is’. Apparently Natalie is perfect just the way she is, says Fo. With her long hair. Hmph. Natalie gloats about being the only girl to be totally left alone. Jay says that they don’t make decisions based on shock value. Uh huh, right. That explains the red afro wig for Elina, and Marvita’s ‘horse mane’ weave and pretty much every other makeover we’ve ever had to sit through.

Other girls who barely had any change- Heather from C9 and Bre from C5. Maybe some others. I don’t know.

Teyona gets a big, spiral curly weave. Tyra says something about juicy jheri curls. She looks good with curls, though I’m not loving that it looks like black ramen noodles. The ‘wind tunnel’ face is mentioned again.

Tahlia needs a mane like a lion, apparently. And some therapy sessions, paid for by Bankable Productions. She gets a big, blonde weave. The least flattering still shot in the history of America’s. Next. Top. Mod. El. is provided to us when she’s beaming about her new look. She says she’s gonna have fun with it.

Fo is really upset about her new hair. Sandra says she needs to stop being a little girl about it, and if she can’t deal with it, she shouldn’t be a maw-dell. Cut to tearful Fo confession about having to go through so much INCLUDING FOOD STAMPS, BUT NEVER FEELING UGLY BEFORE TODAYYYY. THIS MAKEOVER IS GOING TO BREAK ME.

Ugh, shut up. Don’t make me dislike you.

Jessica says that no makeover could make her ugly, because she’s sexy as hell. Yeah, sexy as hell. For a box. Please die.

Commercials. When we come back, we get SUTAN. YAY. He says they all look GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. Blah blah, the winners get a Covergirl contract. We’re introduced to this Covergirl woman, who is actually a robot. She is seriously just a living, breathing Covergirl drone. She’s full of boring information about products. I felt like I was about to pass out when I watched that shit. Seriously, how boring can you be? There are no Wal-Marts in NYC, so they OMG! BROUGHT ONE FOR YOU GIRLS! Tahlia says: ‘Wow, what an awesome Wal-Mart’. Bahahah. They have to go out on the street and find a random girl (read: pre-selected intern from the CW) and bring them back to ‘Wal-Mart’ and be ambassadors for Covergirl. The winners get their ad in some Wal-Mart ad. Nobody is really enthusiastic about the prize, but they pretend to be.

Teams-

Aminat, Sandra and Celia. Aminat is like ‘Ew’, about being on a team with Sandy. Aminat did a good job talking to their chick from the street. Sandra didn’t talk at all. They won the challenge, and Aminat was all YEAH BABY.

Nijah, Allison and Natalie. These bitches tried too hard to bring the Wal-Mart to the girl rather than bring the girl to the Wal-Mart. Shame.

Tahlia, Jessica, Liverpool. Ew, talk about a team of losers. Liverpool acts like a makeup artist, which wasn’t the point.

Teyona, Fo and Kortnie. Their approach was too frantic like FJSIFOFIF.

Next, they go to an African restaurant, and Allison says that it’s nice being with the girls. Sandra has to ruin it when Aminat, who is of legal age, orders an alcoholic beverage… Sandra says that Aminat is trashy for getting drunk. Hahaha, Sandy… One beverage (it looked like a mojito, stay classy Aminat) isn’t going to wreck someone’s inhibitions. Aminat doesn’t want Sandra’s two cents on anything, and tells her, ‘KEEP IT CUTE, OR PUT IT ON MUTE’. You know, those are words to live by. My goal in life is to just spout that at someone. A mini-fight ensues, but nothing at the level of ‘YOU HAVE SOME UGLY ASS CORNS’ from episode 1. If Sandra would shut her fucking trap every once in a while, we could move along with our episodes.

MCKEY’S LIFE AS A COVERGIRL. Okay, call me a sappy retard if you must, but I thought it was sort of sweet. Maybe I’m just obsessed with McKey. View it here, and tell me if I’m retarded:

It is now 29 minutes into the episode and Tahlia’s burns haven’t been mentioned once. What the fuck?

TYRA MAIL. HOW MANY MODELS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?! Hahhahahaha, I wonder if TyTy knows that that joke is a blatant mockery of all things maw-dell. Sandra guesses that it’s a photoshoot. Brilliant assessment, Watson. She says that she needs to stay focused. Or flush her head down the toilet and hope that the blonde washes off so she can be sexy. Seriously, this girl is NOT fun. Jade was fun. Sandra is like C7’s Monique… totally insufferable.

Have there been interviews from anyone but Allison, Aminat, Sandra, Fo and Jessica today?

We’re treated to Jay Manuel shrouded in darkness… He comes forward and says that they will be self directing their shoot, and will be focusing on ‘finding the light’… By holding rave stick looking things up to certain places on the body. OMG NIGEL BARKER IS HERE OMG… he says ‘Don’t think about me being there… Just let go and you’ll have a good shoot’. Show him what you’ve got AKA sit on his face and stick around for at least a week or so.

Tahlia has never seen so many different types of leather. Hahaha. Meow. She’s trying not to fall and Nigel can tell. He does a dance for her (?), but she still looks nervous. I wish they would just let her go home already. She’s really quite cute, but she’s not a model and she will never get work even if she were to win this competition.

Allison struggled at first to ‘find’ the camera. She tried to balance the lights between her face and body. She does well.

Nijah was disappointing. She’s got the look, but no passion in her eyes, according to Captain Pervy Nigel. He was really looking forward to a hummer from this one.

Jessica needs to know where her light is, and she is a victim of looking ‘ghoulish’. I dunno if that’s literally what it sounds like, but it’s bad. Jessica clearly just didn’t get it and needed to FEEL THE LIGHT.

Celia upstages Aminat, even though she’s just in the background for the shoot. This makes Aminat feel like crap. Please don’t fight, girls. I love you both so much. Thankfully, Aminat doesn’t seem to blame Celia, but she is pissed at herself. Don’t be sad, Aminat. Sandra has to butt her pissy blonde head in and say that Aminat needs to play more.

Celia ‘got it’.

Sandra needs to prove herself, and she looks bored. She needs more of an attitude. Yeah? Hang out at the house. Bitch is sooo stank.

Nigel is trying to get through Kortnie’s shoot as fast as possible. Jay is at a loss for words about how sucky she is. If Nigel is that uninspired, Tyra certainly won’t be inspired either. Ugh, always about the rib queen.

The girls have not impressed his royal orange glow so far… So Liverpool tries to change that. She does well. Her stupid makeover works in this setting as it literally glows in the dark and provides her with some extra light.

Teyona is beautiful and a genius. She knew how to pose and how to ‘light herself’.

Natalie looks beautiful. What else is new. This is the one who should be talking about how gorgeous she is… not Boxy McBoxface.

Fo is nervous and feels stripped away from her lack of hair. She is photographing like a deer caught in headlights, and she feels butch. She says she’s not going to cry, but she then, of course, cries. She says she feels like Plain Jane… only his younger brother, because she looks butch. WHIIIIINGE, WHIIINGE. That girl needs to accept how awesome she looks.

Okay, so that photoshoot sucked too. Are they trying to destroy my humanity?

Based on interviews, Fo and Jessica have bottom 2 edits. Based on spoilers I read, Tahlia is getting the ax, so I (stupidly) assume Jessica is safe.

We’re treated to Tyra’s stupid public service announcement about the supermodel that wanted to change the world. I want to throw something. What a whore.

Miss J’s tie is going to get bigger and bigger as the girls are eliminated. This is almost as stupid as the neck ruffles that began looking vagina-like and threatened to swallow him up. Allison is very interested in his tie. GUEST JUDGE TONIGHT IS… Nole Marin 😦

Ew, ew, ew. Nole is the stupidest piece of crap they’ve ever had on the show, unless he was fighting with Dame Janice Dickinson. I am not happy to see him.

Tyra waxes philosophical about every model needing to find her light. Ugh, we know. This is Cycle 12. And, the photos-

Fo, you look stunning. Her reaction to her makeover is brought up. Fo should be happy that Tyra thinks her face is so amazing and that she could pull off such a short haircut. Fo pretends to like her new look, but is fooling no one. Her picture is beautiful, but she let the makeover get the best of her and cried on the set. That’s bad.

Kortnie’s got the lights shining on some extremely unflattering places. Paulina can barely keep a straight face when she says this. It’s no secret that Paulina hates the bigger girls. She hated Whitney too. Kortnie wasn’t invested in her film. Tyra says she needs to be more *Makes orgasm sounds*. Kortnie nods as if she understands, but she doesn’t. I’m confused too. Is Tyra saying everyone should put a vibrating egg in their cooch before each shoot? Hm. We’ll see if anyone suceeded in cumming during their take.

Nijah’s outfit looks like someone at night church. Her photo reminds Paulina of a beautiful corpse. Tyra says Nijah should do more and then says HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF SMILING WITH YOUR EYES? She shows her how it’s done. I dry heave profusely.

Liverpool has great energy. She looks dramatic, and she was willing to ‘go there’. Does that mean she orgasmed? Tyra was impressed. I hate to admit it, but so am I. Her picture is awesome. DAMMIT LONDON. CUT OUT THIS AWESOMNESS AT ONCE.

Allison looked fantastic. Uh, duh. She was wearing copious amounts of eyeliner, and we all know creepychan can rock that shit. She looks quirky and broken down. Nole says she looks alien-esque, and Miss. Nosebleed Fetish thinks that sounds terrible. Tyra, of course, interrupts with an antecdote about how that’s a good thing and how people used to call her ET, but WHATEVUH, I’LL PHONE HOME AND YOU GIMME THE MONEY. My brain cells hurt just typing that again.

Sandra has so much light in her face, yet she radiates dullness. Aminat finds this funny. Sandra is missing ‘tension’ in her picture. The word tension is used 5000 other times in the remainder of the episode, just so y’all know.

Celia BETTER WOOORKKK. She was fabulous… Nigel was excited to work with her because she was so fantastic, even in the background of other shoots. THAT’S WHAT A MODEL DOES, BABY… Says TyTy. She’s got energy, and she’s got tension. Her picture is awesome.

Jessica comes forward, fluffing her hair because she was ‘losing her body’. She looks like a friggin man in her picture. Nole tries to be Janice and says THAT’S AN UGLY PICTURE. She’s got bad tension in her mouth, and mean eyes. She suffers from the aforementioned ghoul lighting, which apparently was indeed a bad thing.

Tahlia isn’t modeling. She’s a pretty girl going HAAAAYYY. I cannot believe we haven’t heard from her once all episode about being burned. So much for milking this shit for all its worth. She doesn’t have tension either. Tyra does one of her (not at all) helpful teaches about subtle differences in the eyes and stuff. Tahlia nods blankly.

Natalie’s sleeve on her shirt looks like a doily. Nole wants to know if the girls looked in the mirror before they came to judging. I want to know if Nole owns a mirror. He’s repulsive. Nole is reminded of his grandma’s house, between Nat’s doily and Nijah’s pajama shirt. Natalie’s picture is phenomenal, and model-y.

Teyona was s’posed to have a Beverly Peele weave, but it isn’t what Tyra wanted. They’re gonna fix that… This perplexes me. What are they going to do to it? Teyona rocked it. THIS. WAS. HER. SHOOT, but TyTy warns her to not go downhill after such a great critique. Hmm, Lauren Brie anyone?

Aminat is posing like a black girl in the hood in her picture. She’s hard to notice. Even her face looks blah. Sandra loves this. Amanda does not… I knew her lack of ‘fro would mess with her, but hopefully this is just a character arc… I hope we see lots and lots of Aminat.

Predicted #1- Teyona

The judges deliberate. Fo should be happy Tyra cut her hair off, because without the haircut, she’s not a model. Ouch. Thems fightin words, Tyra. Kortnie needs time to grow. Yeah, and not suck so much. Seriously, pit lizard… Bring a guy to the house and give him a hummer. That would be some seriously interesting shit. Liverpool ‘went there’ and got it. Nijah is gorgeous, but disappointing. She has dead eyes. Sandra didn’t have any personality. Nole says she should have sat on the glow stick. OMG, not everyone wants phallic objects up their ass, you rotund little man. Allison is Tyra’s poster child for odd and different. Poor Allison. You don’t want to be Tyra’s poster child for ANYTHING or you’ll be stuck doing repeated appearances on the Tyra Banks Show. Celia’s style looks straight off the catwalk. They love her. But not as much as I love her. Natalie’s photo is great. Notice how every critique of her is like 5 words long? I don’t like this. Tahlia isn’t a model… She’s a woman with scars. I think Paulina said that. Me loves Paulina! Jessica is a disaster. Paulina mimes bulimia. How adorable. She’s stuck on pretty. HELLO KISS OF DEATH! Teyona is fantastic. Nigel loved her. Nigel also loved Aminat initially, but she took a huge nosedive for him. Ugly Nole, who shouldn’t speak, hates her and says she looks horrible in her picture. GO BACK TO CANADA, YOU NUTLESS LITTLE WEASEL. If Aminat goes home, I will send him anthrax.

Twelve beautiful girls stand before Tyty, but she only has eleven photos in her hand… The call out order is

Teyona, Celia, Allison, Natalie, Liverpool (Definitely the five best), Nijah, Tahlia (My heart flipped over 1500 times when she was called out, as the usually very reliable spoilers said she was going home this week and two of my favorites, Aminat and Fo, didn’t do so hot this week), Sandra, Kortnie and Aminat (Phew).

Will Fo and Jessica please step forward? Fo, your picture is amazing, but you cried on the set. Jessica, you look like a box and your picture sucks butt for the second week in a row. Who stays?

Fo does, and she assures Tyra that she learned a lesson. Jessica gives probably one of the cuntiest exits I’ve ever seen when she talks about hating the criticisms she received, and how she’s always been beautiful. She says she’s prettier than most of the girls in the house. Lawl, right. Cuz we KNOW that pretty= America’s Next Top Model. USE YOUR BOXY HEAD, JESSICA. YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT.

well, that concludes episode 3 of America’s Next Top Crapfest. I hope you enjoyed my recap. Tune in tomorrow for my assessment of the photos and my predictions on who is going home next.