Government moves to ban spanking the monkey

A Government think tank has today called for talks regarding individualised styles of mild violence against particular animals. Speaking at a packed press conference the Prime Minister explained “We’re not going to be pushing for an immediate and outright ban. We’re merely saying if anyone has a pet monkey then they shouldn’t be spanking it without exploring other options first.

“Similarly if anyone has a python then they should try and show restraint before strangling it.

“And if anyone happens to have a dolphin in their possession then they shouldn’t be waxing it.”

But any potential ruling may not apply exclusively to domestic pets and other animals. As the Premier explained “If anyone has a bishop then they shouldn’t be bashing it.

“And furthermore if anyone has some vinegar then they shouldn’t be stroking it”

Shadow chancellor of the exchequer Eddie Balls criticised the Government for pandering to UKIP policies and making vague statements with no substance. “The Government should just come out and say exactly what they mean without beating around the bush. If they really mean choking the chicken then they should just come out and say it.”