Is Your Child a Dealer?

Once again, the dark depths of the Orcas Island Public School system have come to light. An underground dealing ring of illegal substances is growing within our school. Chicken tenders, locally sold at our Island Market, are being resold by a student whose name is being protected by our newspaper’s Witness Protection Program. Our anonymous source, whose name has been scrambled for confidentiality, is hereby named Lexa Gnineerg. “The life of crime just pulls you in,” says Gnineerg, “you think it’s just one cheese stick then then you’re dealing three or four bags of tendies a day. It’s a dark road.”

Recovering addict Ray Doss explains, “I thought I would just try one tender. All of my friends were doing it and it seemed cool.” Doss goes on to tearfully admit, “It ruined my life, I couldn’t sleep, my grades were dropping, I lost the trust of my friends and my family, I would have done anything for my next hit.”

As the tendie trade gains popularity, the school only further deteriorates. Students roam through the halls begging for tenders. “We have to take a stand against chicken tenders in our community,” says clean-cut-tender-free-advocate student Brother Murphy, “I stand for a school that is free of the sweet, sweet taste of deep fried chicken.”

A tendie deal in the flesh / Photographer: Matia Schwartz

During this troubling time, parents must keep an eye on their children. Keep an eye out for the signs of tendie abuse and dealing. Do your children have empty white bags coated in grease hidden under their beds? Do they have glassy eyes? Do they whisper “tendies” under their breath constantly? Do they sneak out at night? Are they speaking in a Boston accent? If so, they might just be involved in the dark world of the tendie trade.