~ Personal musings about feminism, dogs and fictitious seabirds.

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Today, while wading through the mire that is Twitter, I noticed a tweet from @jessphillips where she had retweeted a man telling her that the abuse she is getting is her fault because she dared to be a woman in public (I paraphrase).

Basically, she’s asking for it.

Also on Twitter, a dear friend who has been stalked by the same man for over 2 years is told that, if she didn’t want to receive the death threats from him that she documents, she should shut up about rape culture and violence toward women and girls.

She’s asking for it.

A young woman goes to a party in a US college town, she gets so drunk she becomes unconscious and a man leads her behind a dumpster and proceeds to commit despicable sexual crimes against her until he is caught red handed. At his trial his backers and he blame “college drinking culture”. She was too drunk to voice her lack of consent.

She asked for it.

It seems that when women are perceived as ‘asking for’ abuse, torture, rape and harm, we invariably get what we ask for. And yet, when we ask for equal representation, equal pay, freedom from torture and abuse and for men to stop raping us, well, then it’s just too much to ask, isn’t it?

Female socialisation. The things that girls hear every day that shapes their minds and their mental maps of how the world is supposed to be. Carers, nurturers, helpmeets, sugar and spice and all things nice, that’s girls and women for you, and woe betide any that fall outside this narrow band of descriptors.

I have news for you. Women are angry. Steaming. Roaring. Angry.

Today, in Spalding a woman and her daughter were killed by her husband. Has this been linked in any way to the 2-3 women killed every week by a former or present partner? Of course not. The murderer has been described as a nice, caring guy by one of his neighbours. And yet, nice caring men don’t generally get a shotgun, load it and murder the people they are supposed to be nicest and most caring towards.

Yesterday, a Tory county councillor tweeted that in his day wolf whistling merely prepared girls for the big bad world. I suppose on the one hand, it’s good that he’s admitting that wolf whistling is on the violence against women spectrum, but not so good that he sees that as ok. That an elected official thinks the systemic abuse of women by men is ok as long as girls are prepared early for it by slimy men commenting on their level of fuckability, often from very early ages, is a repulsive condemnation of his fellow men. It’s not however an unlikely scenario. Street harassment is a serious problem. It prevents women being able to take up public space. For some women, it prevents them being able to leave the house at all.

Yesterday as well, our government voted to spend over £200 billion on a nuclear toy. The same government that has made unprecedented cuts to services across the country. Cuts in legal aid, cuts in benefits, cuts in the NHS, cuts in police, cuts in refuges, cuts in children’s centres.. can you see the pattern yet, kids? Money that could have been spent to improve the lives of the poorest and most vulnerable in our society is being ring-fenced for a toy that no one will ever play with, because hopefully, no one is that stupid.

All of this, and we’re supposed to sit quietly, not make a fuss and possibly make a cup of tea.

Well no. Women are angry, angry about the pay gap, the sexual objectification of women being normalised, emotional labour, unpaid caring, wifework, shitework, being told to be silent, or being told we’re too angry, too loud. Feminazis.

Well, get used to it. The time has come for anger. If you don’t want it aimed at you, don’t be part of the problem.

My older son has sided firmly with my mother, she’s a better financial bet, I suppose, and despite his non materialistic upbringing, he’s always saved his first shilling. I suppose being brought up in poverty will do that to a child. If you don’t know if your mum will be able to afford shoes or even food, then money takes on a specific meaning. So, I tend to get a perfunctory HMD! on Facebook, while she has the flowers and cards and fuss made. It’s actually fine. I get it, I really do.

My younger son has ASD, so it’s always a bit touch and go as to whether he’ll remember, despite my husband reminding him and giving him the money. And taking him to the shop. And offering to order flowers. He forgot. And that’s fine too. When you’re whole life is taken up with trying to pretend to come from the same planet as humans, then fripperies like cards are probably not high on your list of priorities. I did get a hug. For those of you in the know, hugs from people like my boy are rare, like gold dust, like fine wine. Something to be savoured and treasured.

My husband doesn’t do cards, but he and his brothers made a fuss of my mother in law, because his dad died last summer. So I have no cards, no bunches of flowers, and that’s fine. Not sour grapes fine, actually fine. I know all year round that I’m loved now and that’s worth more than any Hallmark moments.

My mother is an abusive alcoholic. There, I said it. Best to get it out there fast, or we all forget to mention it in the need to cover up for her behaviour. In the desire my brother and I have to seem like we come from a normal family. My brother and his wife and daughters spent today with my mother. I know that he will have been carefully monitoring how many glasses of wine she’d had, I know he’ll make sure that he gets away before she’s had her 5th one, because that’s when it all starts.I know he’ll have had to listen to her telling him what an ungrateful evil bitch I am because I couldn’t find a card that I could send with any level of sincerity. Somehow, despite her telling everyone that I am a liar, I can’t lie and send her a “World’s Greatest Mother” or “Thank you for always being there for me” sentiment, it would be a farce. I can’t tell a woman who nearly destroyed me that I love her.

And yet. And yet, here I am happy. I know that I have good friends. I know that I am loved and cared for. And the part of me that cries and wishes for her to tell me she’s sorry gets smaller every day.

This is dedicated to all the women I love, whether they are mothers or not, today, I’d like you to take a bow, in many ways, you have mothered me more completely than my biological one did. You have encouraged me to know that I have value. I hope you see the value in yourselves.

I am so sorry you were raped by those criminal men. No matter what you were wearing, no matter why you went to the fictitious party, you did not deserve to be raped. I hope that, some day, somehow, you find healing.

Now that’s done, I have to take exception to your comments, which were victim blaming in extremis.

You said:

“If I’m walking around and I’m very modestly dressed and I’m keeping to myself and someone attacks me, then I’d say that’s his fault. But if I’m being very lairy and putting it about and being provocative, then you are enticing someone who’s already unhinged – don’t do that. Come on! That’s just common sense. You know, if you don’t want to entice a rapist, don’t wear high heels so you can’t run from him.”

Being modestly dressed means nothing. Being lairy also means nothing. I have been modestly dressed and not been raped, I have been as lairy as it is humanly possible to be, dressed in almost nothing and being provocative and not been raped. That is because on those occasions I wasn’t in the company of a rapist.

In fact, the first time I was raped, I was modestly dressed and with a trusted family friend. Does this mean that I should tell women not to dress modestly and not to accept lifts from trusted friends? No, of course it doesn’t, so what about your situation gives you the right to give women such poor advice?

Rape is always the fault of the rapist. Always. There are no exceptions to this simple rule. Criminals, and make no mistake, rapists are criminals, choose crime. Rape isn’t a crime of necessity, it’s not a parent feeding their starving child or a person getting much needed medication for a loved one, it’s a crime of violence. A crime of control. A hate crime.

This view that men can’t stop themselves raping women who are in some way asking for it sets a ridiculously low bar for men. It tells them that they can’t be expected to control their animal instincts. It tells men that they are incapable of behaving like human beings, and that society will excuse them for raping women because women deserve it.

I think men are better than that. I think they are more than capable of controlling themselves. I think they are able to call out rape myths for what they are. I think they are capable of empathy and know when women haven’t consented to what they’re doing, I think they are then able to stop doing whatever it is they are doing without sulking.

We have to stop peddling rape myths like these. They do a huge disservice to the vast majority of men who aren’t violent criminals. They do an even greater disservice to those women who have, through no fault of their own, become the victims of violent criminals. They are magical thinking, designed to betray society into ‘othering’ victims of the crime of rape by making assumptions about those victim’s levels of blame for the crime perpetrated against them and thereby keep themselves safe from harm. It sets up a narrative whereby society looks on ‘good’ and ‘bad’ victims of rape, and treats them accordingly.

‘Good’ victims dressed demurely, fought fiercely, were sober, were dragged into a dark alley, didn’t know their attackers, were virgins and a raft of other ‘nice’ women things. ‘Bad’ victims were raped by someone they’d been flirting with, dressed provocatively, acting provocatively, had slept around or even had slept with a single person, were drunk or had taken drugs, the list of what women do to ‘get themselves raped’ seems endless.

You are wrong, Chrissie, I understand and empathise with your reasoning, we all try and find explanations for the awful things that have been done to us, but you are wrong.

To put it simply, there should be nothing a woman can do that leads us to assume that rape is a reasonable result of that behaviour