I just read this Q&A you answered, and I’m in the exact situation. I’m 25 and been married nearly three long years. I don’t want to hurt my husband but at the same time I feel like I’m dying inside staying with him. I think I’m scared because I don’t earn much and we own a house together. Any advice on this would be awesome. Anon

I urge you to talk to your husband about your feelings, if you haven’t already. Perhaps there is a middle ground for you guys that’s worth exploring before you call time on the whole thing. Is it about him as a person? Have you fallen out of love? Or is it about being married in general? Is there a part of you craving more freedom, more nights out with your girlfriends, weekends away? You married quite young and if a lot of your friends are deep in the single lifestyle, that could be contributing to your overall discontent.

If not – and you know in your heart that the only way forward is out – then find a good counsellor. Go on your own first to sort through your feelings, and then with your husband. There are counsellors out there who specialize in helping couples separate and if your husband doesn’t feel the same and thinks everything is hunky-dory, you may really need that impartial third party to help you through the whole process. I’m not going to sugar-coat it: splitting up, unravelling your life together, getting a divorce – if it comes to that – will be gut-wrenching for both of you. But if you have felt this way for a long time, you’ve tried to make it better and can’t see your feelings changing, you need to face this sad impasse head on, rather than staying silent and locked in a marriage that’s slowly destroying you. The details don’t matter. A house can be sold. You can get a better-paying job. You can find a new place to live. All of that is just stuff.

Before you decide anything, though, your husband needs a heads up. So go put the kettle on, sit him down, take his hand, and start talking.

Love, reality chick

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7 Comments

I met my husband when I was 19. I was a freshman in college and everything happened so fast. I had our first child at 20. (He has a child from a previous teenage relationship). We were married and pregnant with out second child when I was 24. We now have 3 children. Prior to meeting him I was full of hopes and dreams. I was in college and wanted to become a journalist. He has never supported me in anything I wanted to do. It seems all he thinks I am good for is cooking and cleaning. He evens becomes upset if I leave the house. I have been completely devoted to my family and have always put myself last. I wanted to make him happy so I gave up most of my dreams. Now at 32, I feel like I made a mistake and feel we are not compatible. I feel lost….like I no longer know who I am. Of course I am a different person at 32 than I was at 19. I want a career and can’t even think of what I want to do. I have taken a bunch of mediocre jobs, but nothing that I am truly passionate about. I feel as though I have fallen out of love with him. Don’t get my wrong, he is a nice guy. He loves our children and we have had some happy times together. However, I feel totally unfulfilled. It seems he never feels like doing much of anything. Granted, he works hard, but so don’t millions of other Americans? He is only 34 and acts like an old man! He doesn’t keep himself in shape. I try to discourage bringing a bunch of junk food into our house, and living a healthy lifestyle, but he often brings in boxes of junk food. And most of all, he is BORING! Get this: He withholds sex from ME!! I have never withheld sex from him. I am constantly trying to throw it at him, but he doesn’t take it telling me he’s tired, etc. What man refuses to have sex with his wife? I try to make sure I stay in shape and look good, but that often doesn’t work. There are times where I don’t even remember the last time we’ve had sex because its been about a month or 2. He is perfectly happy being home and watching movies. I do not get the feeling that he is cheating on my at all. In fact I am sure he isn’t. However, I wish that he would make me feel like a woman. I wish that the two of us could go on a date sometimes-with just the 2 of us. He doesn’t do that. In fact it is rare that he will bring me home a gift or just let me know that I am appreciated. There was a time where I would write him letters and say things to stroke his ego thinking that he would do it for me in return. Well, that didn’t work so I stopped. I have found that I am very attracted to another man. The other man seems to be very attracted to me as well, but I would never tell him how I felt. I am sure he knows.. You can feel the chemistry when we are in a room together. I don’t want to be attracted to this other man. I want my husband. I want to fall in love with him again, but we need help. I have tried talking with him time and time again but it never goes anywhere. He will say things will change and they don’t. Or, he will say I am nagging him. I have tried everything and feel that my marriage is doomed. I feel that I am only in this for the kids. But I have a strong feeling that once the youngest turns 18, I am outta here!

Thanks for comments Peta – I am one of the lucky ones and each day (well 99% of days:) I give thanks for it. The thing is not to take anything for granted or ‘as your right’, when it comes to another person. I can’t guarantee that we will be together always – no one can guarantee that, but I can’t say when I last gave that thought any brain space, except until now, and it will go as soon as I stop writing this email.
Your man or woman will not always do what you want them to do, and neither will you for them. It’s about compromise on both sides, and respect as friends – best friends. You may argue with your best friend, even not talk for a while, but ultimately you get over it, and learn from those mishaps. Sometimes your friendship is finished and then, that is the time to move on. In those cases remember the good times, for they existed, and accept the bad, as it was the right time to move on with your life.

I was married at 20, and life was a honeymoon for years and years. We are coming up for 30 years, had our ups and downs – more ups, than downs, but we worked our way through it, because we loved each other. And that is the bottom line. I don’t know you, but you sound young in maturity – I don’t mean that as nasty – we each mature at our own pace, not anyone elses, and I think this has happened to you and your husband. Is there anything you love about him anymore? If there not, why are you still there – remember 10 years becomes 20, becomes 30 – along with a few kids – is that what you want? You are 25, it is time you made a decision, one way or another – there is no half way – its over, or you make the decision to give it your full and complete support for the rest of your life.

I think you’re one of the lucky ones, Deb. I’ve got friends who married young, managed to grow together and deal with the challenges that came with that and are now in a really good place. I also know several couples who married really young, hit their 30s and basically freaked out at all the ‘living’ they wish they’d done before getting married and having kids. For some, that has translated into trying to do their ‘living’ on the side while still being married, whether that’s going out partying more with friends (and not the spouse) or actually having little dalliances here and there.
Letter writer – I actually think you need to have counselling to determine whether you want out, not to help you separate. Maybe this is a blip and you guys can get past it, maybe not, but counselling will definitely help you figure it out, and help you not feel so overwhelmed.

How did you get to be married young? That is odd these days. Young guys usually just want to sleep around, not settle down. how did you do it? You’re lucky if a young guy doesn’t want to jump from relationship to relationship.

That’s exactly where I was at 25. Besides, I also had a child. There’s life after divorce, or there can be a ‘remake’ of your marriage. Hang in there, Anon!
Unfortunately, marriage has been recast as the uncoolest thing to do when you’re young. I don’t agree; I believe that age isn’t a caveat. People of all ages have got married for the wrong reasons, as well as for the right reasons. Speaking of which, owning a house together doesn’t mean that you have to stick to a relationship that is going nowhere. A good counsellor will certainly help separating the wheat from the chaff: your problems, your husband’s problems, relationship problems, other problems. You’re probably so overwhelmed that you need to put everything into some sort of perspective.

You are very aware about how you feel regarding this marriage. This is 50% of the problem solved. The other 50% involves talking to your husband. He NEEDS to know. It’s about him as well as you. It takes some guts at least to put a finger on the problem and you’re one really gutsy lady. Whatever you do, whatever you decide, make sure it’s your decision and yours alone. Best wishes, Lola

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