The penis - Late loss of virginity in men

What would you think if you met a man who at thirty
years of age was a virgin? What would you think if he had never even kissed a
woman?

Almost certainly that he was gay, I imagine, and yet,
funnily enough, there are many men who are neither gay nor heterosexually
experienced - these are men who have simply never discovered the joy of sex,
or been able to establish a relationship with a woman.

In the USA, for example, research suggests that there are about 2,000,000 men
over the age of 23 years who are still virgins - men who have never had the
chance to get sexual way with a woman.

And
there may be as many as 700,000 to 1,000,000 much older men who have not yet
made it with a woman. It seems the term "confirmed bachelor" may not just be a
euphemism for "gay", after all.

But why? What
is the cause of late loss of virginity - or no loss of it at all? To start
with, most of the men I am describing are heterosexually oriented, though they
may have homoerotic thoughts from time to time.

The problem is that they are emotionally damaged in some way, and the longer
this situation continues, the harder it becomes to escape it.

And it's much harder for a man who wants to lose his virginity than it is for
a woman in the same situation - after all, a woman simply has to make the
decision and give off the right signals, and she'll find a lot of willing
helpers ready to take her maidenhood.

A man has to either woo a woman to the point where she's willing to allow him
to enter her body with his penis, which he may not have the skills to do, or
to pay for sex, which may simply add to his feelings of inadequacy.

If a man misses the
courtship routines and practice of adolescence, he can become ashamed of his
lack of sexual experience and start to avoid women more and more - a pattern
of behavior likely to lock him into a world of sexual isolation.

There are
many reasons why this may happen: one of the main ones is
that a man is born with a penile or genital abnormality like
hypospadias.

I have worked extensively with men who have hypospadias, and they have almost
all had a deep-seated belief that women would find them unattractive or
defective as men, and they have often had extreme difficulty establishing a
healthy sex-life for themselves.

(By the way, the huge majority of women don't care about such things as penile
difference in a man.

Stability and financial security, emotional warmth and supportiveness, and his
ability to act as a source of emotional support seem much more important.

Unfortunately this does not make it any easier for a man who has been shamed
because of the appearance of his penis to get naked with a woman.)

Another cause of sexual inexperience is a deep-rooted sense of being
physically inadequate. This is probably less common for boys and men than
girls and women, but it is a growing problem. It's particularly so for boys
who are short or slight of build.

Yet another
source of emotional and sexual inhibition can be growing up in a household
where the emotional and sexual relationships between the parents are not
functioning well: the boy may be regarded by his mother as her "little man"
who can make up for the deficiencies of her husband, and the inappropriateness
of the relationship that results.

That's especially
true if it's sexual or involves
inappropriate handling of his penis - can produce a deep-seated sense of
alienation, if not rage, towards women which serves to keep the boy apart from
them during his adolescence and early adulthood - exactly the time when he
should normally be picking up the sexual experience necessary for him to
function as a man in our society.

It's not hard
to see how a man can make a choice - consciously or not - to stay away from
women when he has been deeply hurt or invaded by them as a boy.

Remaining a virgin may well seem like the easier option, though I suspect many
men in this category resort to sex with men as a compromise: they cannot face
the prospect of letting a woman close to them, yet they want sexual experience
and some form of physical intimacy - and, of course, men are always available
and willing when it comes to sex!

But the
problem remains that a man in this situation cannot be truly fulfilled and
satisfied. He may wonder if he is gay, he may overtly want a woman and a
family, but he just can't make the emotional leap to establish a relationship
with a woman. What's to be done?

I think the
first thing that has to happen is that he decides to make the change, to find
out what sex with a woman is like. This may well only happen when he is in his
late twenties or thirties and he has had the rougher edges of his damaging
experiences smoothed off by positive life experiences.

Or maybe his desire for sex with a woman becomes so strong that he seeks
therapy - in any event, there is a turning point, a moment of clear decision,
when the possibility of change opens up for him.

For men who simply missed the experience of adolescent sexual exploration,
things tend to be easier than for those who have more challenging emotional
issues.

These men usually find a woman who can
make up for their lack of experience because they are giving off enough
masculine signals to attract a woman: once they get sexual with her, they may
have transient difficulties such as figuring out how penile penetration works,
or temporary loss of their erection due to anxiety, or learning how to
overcome premature ejaculation, but basically all will be well with a little
practice.

In many cases they have rehearsed
their sexual encounters and know a great deal about the theory of female
sexuality - knowledge which helps them when they face the real thing!

To
quote from Eva Margolies' book, Undressing The American Male,
on which many of the ideas on this page are based, "For the most part a man
like this usually reports that if a woman notices his inexperience, she
generally does not comment on it or reject him for it.

Whether this is a testimonial to the power of instinct, or the general lack of
lovemaking skill among young men, or women's inhibition about expressing what
they want and need sexually, I have not yet figured out."

One interesting thing that can happen when men who have not had a normal
adolescent sexual experience come to discover the pleasure they can get from
sex is that they seek out as much sex as possible.

I've come to believe that it's a normal part of male adolescent development
(and maybe female development too) to have a phase of "screwing around" - and
it seems to me that men who come to sex late need to go through something like
this to make up for the emotional and developmental deficit they experienced.

However, what of the
men who are more persistent in their lack of sexual experience? What of the
non-gay man who is still a virgin in his thirties? These men break down into
various groups.

First, there are men who
are shy and lack social skills, and who often give off a slight sense of
"weirdness" that puts people (especially women) off them. This sense of
difference is down to their lack of trust in other people, a lack that
produces a guarded closed-ness in their relations with others.

These men may also have a deep-rooted sense of inadequacy - often because of
negative experiences in their family. The challenge for a man like this may
not be being sexual in itself - once they get around to it they often make
very good lovers, perhaps because they've spent their lives putting other
people first - but may be more about establishing the confidence to get into a
relationship. Good psychotherapy is needed here.

Second, there are men who appear
socially normal but who remain virgins because of deep conflicts about women
and intimacy. You can split these men into two groups: so-called
"inhibited heterosexuals" and so-called "heterosexuals with homosexual
inclinations".

Inhibited heterosexuals are focused on women,
both in life and in their fetishes and fantasies. They desire women but have
unresolved fears and anger towards them which make it impossible for them to
get sexual.

Many of these fears and angry feelings come from the fact that
they did not have a stable and dependable mother (or sisters); rather they had
a mother who was unpredictable, abusive or unstable, combined very often with
a hostile father. Thus they lack an adequate role model for either adult male
behavior or a close relationship with a woman.

If you're one of these men, you
might recognize some of these traits in yourself:

You're obsessed with the physical
attributes of women.

You want to please women and are quite conciliatory to
them but can be extremely angry if not rageful.

You're a control freak. Sorry,
but there it is.

You're frightened of getting sexual with a woman.

You depend on sex with yourself.
You might even have made it a specialty.

You have a special way of
masturbating which you use most of the time, such as shaking your penis, thrusting
it against the bed, or using a special speed or type of hand motion on your
penile shaft.

You create a fantasy world which satisfies all your desires.

All of this represents a kind of adolescent sexuality, which is not a thing
to be ashamed of, but simply a lack of experience that can be put right with
the right kind of help and guidance, which in practical terms means sexual therapy
or psychotherapy. You can find a good sexual therapist
here.

There can be some more challenging difficulties when it comes to making
love for the first and subsequent times. You may have an aversion to the idea
and reality of the vagina, which can be a problem if you want to get your
penis inside one!

It can also be a problem if you want to give your partner pleasure or she
wants oral sex, or likes you to masturbate her.

After years of masturbating by hand, with firm pressure, you may find the
experience of intercourse a disappointment, and come to the conclusion that
the woman you are with has a large, loose vagina.

The problem, I regret to say, is that your penis has become used to many
years of firm, close pressure during masturbation, and the sensations of
intercourse are rather different. There may be considerable learning to be
done in how to enjoy the pleasures of sexual intimacy with a woman.

A sexual
surrogate may be helpful here. Basically, they are women who have
the skills and motivation to help men overcome their sexual inhibitions
through physical intimacy.

As sex therapists, we have also produced a variety of
other websites which we hope will help you improve your sex life and
overcome sexual dysfunction.

To start with the most common sexual problem
for men after premature ejaculation, we cover male inability to reach orgasm
during intercourse, also known as
retarded or delayed ejaculation
here, while women will find an explanation of how to achieve orgasm during sex
and overcome female anorgasmia here. These are two superbly written and
detailed websites, simple and easy to follow, yet based on hundreds of cases of anorgasmia in our clinical experience
as sex therapists.

Get
exciting sex techniques back in your love life right now! This is the
site that led all the others, the one that offered you the first full and
open discussion of sexual positions using non-pornographic imagery that
both men and women can look at without fear of embarrassment or
offensiveness.

We take a respectful view of sex as an activity on which
men and women take an equal part, and for whom it is (or should be) an
equal source of orgasmic pleasure. This discussion of sex positions shows
how you can obtain the greatest sexual pleasure in your relationship and
bring your lovemaking to a new pinnacle of success and joy!

If you suffer
from premature ejaculation, you
may well wish to take a look at this website, which offers
help on how to stop
premature ejaculation, the
effects of premature ejaculation on your relationship, and the causes of
premature ejaculation.

In addition there is information on simple exercises to help you
develop ejaculation
control during sex and turn you into the greatest lover
your partner ever had, and the secrets about which positions men and women
like best, this website might just turn you into a fantastic lover with
complete ejaculatory control and staying power (a euphemism for lasting longer
before you ejaculate during sex!).

As sex therapists, we have also produced a variety of
other websites which we hope will help you improve your sex life and
overcome sexual dysfunction. To start with the most common sexual problem
for men after premature ejaculation, is not being able to find a date in
the first place! Try the empowering
dating tips for men
in The Tao of Badass.

Women will find an explanation of how to achieve orgasm during sex
and overcome female anorgasmia here. These are two superbly written and
detailed websites, simple and easy to follow, yet based on hundreds of cases of anorgasmia in our clinical experience
as sex therapists.

Ejaculation By Command is the only
resource you'll ever need to develop greater sexual stamina, get
absolute and total control over when you ejaculate during sex,
and be able to totally satisfy your sexual partner during
intercourse. Be the lover you always wanted to be within weeks -
find out how by clicking on the link below - but beware....this
program can make you irresistible to women!

This video explains how to give
any woman more sexual pleasure than she's ever had before!

The presenter, name of Jason Julius,
delivers the simplest, clearest information on female G spot stimulation and
massive squirting orgasms I've
ever heard or seen! Talk about amazing! This is the kind of stuff which can just
shift your whole relationship overnight, bringing not just amazing orgasms to
both partners, but also transforming the quality of your relationship outside
the bedroom too!

For example, Julius explains

how to
locate the G spot and stimulate it so intensely that a woman will actually reach
orgasm and ejaculate. Now, if you've ever had a woman ejaculate during sex,
you'll know how exciting it is for the man, and how unbelievably good it feels
making love to her after she's come in that way.