I woke up this morning, got dressed, put on my boat shoes, waited in traffic for an hour because Austin, got to work, read this headline telling Mashable readers that “boat shoes are never, ever stylish,” and proceeded to have explosive diarrhea in my cubicle. It’s bad, you guys. Looks like a seizure-prone octopus finger-painted this thing brown. The smell is awful. Not sure if it was because of my anger towards boat shoe haters, my strict morning diet of allergy medication and Smucker’s Uncrustables, or a combination of both, but, either way, this has been my worst Monday in a long time.

You already know TFM’s position on boat shoes. Let’s see why David Yi thinks God’s gift to freet (frat feet) are actually the worst thing to happen to our legs’ hands since Rex Ryan.

Bletcherous? Looks like someone got a Thesaurus for Christmas last year.

Good thing, then, the season is finally coming to a close.

Not that fall or winter will stop the rampant normalization of boat shoes from continuing to be spotted in the wild. For boat shoe enthusiasts, the very item has become synonymous with who they are as individuals: a brash, bold and brazen band of brothers who navigate the world as if it’s their very own Budweiser carpet-stained Nantucket frat house.

This guy got a couple things right here. First, you’re damn right that fall and winter won’t stop us from wearing our stinky foothuggers. Why the hell would they? Scared of getting cold feet? Then boat shoes aren’t for you. A fraternity man never gets cold feet, in both the literal and figurative senses, because our unmerited sense of self-worth obliterates any social miscues from our bag of tricks while cozying up our little toesies in the process. Second, describing us as “a brash, bold and brazen band of brothers” could not be more spot on. I appreciate the alliteration, too. Yi is really putting that thesaurus to good use.

What I do not agree with, however, is his usage of “Budweiser.” If he had ever actually hung out at a fraternity house, he would have learned that we only drink light beer. With heavy beer having around 30% more calories and 50% more carbohydrates than light beer, my Math 114 skills (I got a B, so you know it’s legit) tell me that every fraternity member would weigh approximately 50 more pounds if you calculate in those extra cals and carbs. Do we look like a bunch of bloated, oafish lummoxes to you, Yi? Probably. But we are way less bloated (and slightly less oafish) than we would be if we drank Budweiser.

To say it succinctly: A natural predilection toward boat shoes not only makes you a bro, but an ultimate basic bro.

Basic? Really? You think we don’t know that? I could literally pick a fraternity member from any chapter in any state, then pick another one from a different chapter from the opposite side of the country, and a non-fraternity member would not be able to distinguish where they are from in any way. I bet y’all probably wouldn’t even be able to tell which one is Chustin Pennyfeather III and which one is H. Rollins Carmichael XVI.

We know we’re “basic” (though we would never use such a stupid word for it), but it’s only because we’ve earned the right to look the way we do. Any dork can throw on an infinity scarf and be “trendy” – it takes a true man to say “fuck individuality, I, and everybody else who dresses like this, am automatically cooler than you.” Why do you think we all dress the same? It’s so we know who to avoid talking to.

He’s completely unaware that his basic sense of style is so overtly basic that it’s completely offensive.

Boat shoes, of course, would be fine if the thousands of misinformed men who owned them were actually off to the very location in which they were meant to be used. They make for fine footwear when walking along a wet deck without slipping.

I’m sorry my choice of footwear offends you, man I’ve never met. That’s pretty close-minded of you to judge me without ever meeting me, but since I’m in a fraternity I suppose you can just extrapolate. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. Also, “Where’s your boat, bruh?” is literally the most predictable, unimaginative anti-boat shoe insult in the world. I expected better of you, for some reason.

Mashable fashion reporter Noelle Sciacca, who worked at Lucky for five years, took it even further, commenting that men who wear them are “clueless” and “lazy.”

“A man is attractive in boat shoes only when the view of his feet is obstructed,” she says. “They tend to carry themselves with an air of cockiness. Boat shoe offenders slap each other on the back and high five while they throw down beers. They support each other’s poor taste in shoes and only have themselves to blame.”

Sorry we have friends who support each other. I know that must offend you deeply.

With so much disapproval from the fashion community, it’s safe to say that these shoes should sink faster than the Titanic. But unlike the historic ship, these should never be talked about ever again.

As someone who is old money enough to have had relatives on the Titanic, I am deeply offended by your lighthearted take on this terrible, tragic, family-destroying accident. This is the kind of classless move that makes me even more certain your argument has less merit than the “campfire building” Boy Scout badge I made myself after I refused to rub two sticks together because I was raised to know that as peasant work.

I stand with foot calluses. I stand with poor arch support. I stand with my feet smelling like the colostomy bag of a gorilla on a strict Chipotle diet.

Boat shoes are basic, but it’s hip to be square, because it’s not just the pleasures of conformity and the importance of trends, it’s also a personal statement.
Hey Yi! Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?