Tatiana Talks

When we were younger, it was during slumber parties. At first, it was just the sheer excitement of being up past bedtime. As we got older, staying up just wasn’t cool, it was a matter of survival. As the first person asleep became the victim of any number of practical jokes.

Then there was college. Staying up was part survival, part party. All night cramming sessions that inevitably included runs to Nifty Fifties for milkshakes or Pat’s for a cheesesteak. Sure, you could study during the day; hell you could even get a cheesesteak on campus during daylight hours, but that wasn’t the point. Studying all night with your roommates, doing whatever it took to stay awake was a right of passage, a bonding experience.

But now, staying up isn’t cool. It is depressing and stressing and worrisome.

It isn’t as if I didn’t have bouts of insomnia when I was employed. Of course I did. Everyone does, I am sure. I even had insomnia at times in high school -- which is why I can tell you the Snake Eater movies, all three, rock.

But since having my job taken from me I have been “sleeping” on my couch more than I have actually slept in my bed.

And if daytime television commercials are any indication of whom television programers think are watching -- definitely stay at home mommies with cats -- I wonder who they think is up at three in the morning.

Definitely the lonely, as evidenced by the number of eHarmony and party line ads I have recently seen. There are also a plethora of male enhancement ads, which leads me to believe that the lonely that are up at this hour are assumed to be men. That or unsatisfied girlfriends. I have also witnessed a lot of weight loss ads, which I think is a horrible assumption to make -- not all fat people are lonely.

After 3 a.m. there are also a lot of ads for completely useless products like easier-to-use scissors or this do-hickey that helps you open any-size jar. I am not sure if this is because ad rates are so much cheaper during these hours or if the advertisers think it is easier to convince the sleep-deprived just how necessary these products are. I mean who knows, maybe after a couple more nights of not sleeping I may need that do-hickey to open jars as these big hands will be too tired. Last night I also saw an ad for people who are tired of reusing their catheters that made me throw up a little bit in my mouth.

My mother, who calls every couple of days to see if I need anything, asked me the other morning what was wrong. Well, what was wrong was that I had literally just fallen asleep at 8 a.m. and she called at 8:30.

She suggested I try drinking wine before bed or taking Tylenol PM. She has also stopped calling so early in the morning. I haven’t taken her advice as of yet. I don’t want to become an addict or a wino, but I also don’t want to look like a member of the Cullen family.

Well, I mean, I would like to look like a member of the Cullen family, sans the dark circles under the eyes.