Wednesday, August 15, 2012

My Spiritual Birthday!

The Cross at Ellerslie

Today I celebrate LIFE in Christ! It's my spiritual birthday! :) And it just so happens to be three days after my "physical birthday."

I grew up in a Christian home and accepted Christ into my life at a young age, so I don't recall any specific date that I was saved. It was more like a gradual thing. But, three years ago, in August 2009, was when my entire world was changed. Jesus wrecked my life. He rescued me from darkness and brought me into His marvelous light. Because of that time in my life, August will always remind me of that. It will always be a sacred month, marked by the beauty found in His victory! He intervened in my life and saved the life of my baby. I am forever changed because of it.

I decided that having a spiritual birthday to celebrate is even more important than the day I was actually born. Since August is so special to me, I wanted to choose a date in August. I chose August 15th. That is the date that I had a scheduled abortion at Planned Parenthood in 2009. That is the day that I didn't go because God kept me from it. I chose a day that could have been a day full of heartbreak, sorrow, and tears. Instead, it is full of tears of another kind. Tears of thankfulness and joy. Tears of feeling and knowing I am completely unworthy of my Precious Lord, yet standing in awe over all He has done for us, His children. August 15th was the day that the enemy wanted to end my baby's life. But, instead it is now a day that I celebrate her LIFE! She lived and she will live forever in my heart. And because of her and all Jesus did in me through her, I have eternal LIFE. Oh, Jesus, You are so beautiful...my Victorious Warrior, my Rescuer!

Today on my spiritual birthday, I will rejoice over LIFE. I will rejoice that You gave Your very life for mine. That my daughter can live forever with You because of Your perfect sacrifice. I could never find the words to thank you, Lord...

When I heard the lyrics to this song for the first time, I was amazed at how perfectly they describe my journey from darkness to light. I couldn't believe where my life was, yet my Jesus broke through.

I came across my journal from the summer of 2009. I have journaled my entire life, but when I was living my selfish rebellious lifestyle, I couldn't write anymore. My writings are my prayers and I didn't feel close to God. I felt I couldn't face Him because I didn't want to face my sin. I was ashamed. The first journal entry I wrote in probably over a year was on August 6, 2009. As I read it now, my heart recalls the brokenness and deep sadness I felt. I realize now that God wanted me to write it so that I would always remember the dark place I was in. I would remember how I came face-to-face with my wretchedness, realized I was nothing and had no strength, and cried out to my Mighty Rescuer. All He was waiting for was for me to cry out to Him. And all He's waiting is for You to cry out to Him. Watch as He runs to Your defense and Your rescue! What a contrast to see where I was in the beginning of August 2009 and the journey God brought me through, ultimately resulting in Him winning the battle! Jesus, You are amazing! I want to share part of that journal entry to show you just how deep in the pit I was in. And I hope and pray that as you see me now, you will realize that "there is no pit too deep that God's love is not deeper still." ~Corrie ten Boom

August 6, 2009

"How can one person feel so alone in a world with billions of people in it? With all the big cities? Yet, I feel like I'm the only one whose felt these feelings, these hurts, the only one whose has these thoughts. I just want Jesus. But, I feel so far from Him. Could I ever experience healing and forgiveness for the things I've done? The mistakes I've made? How could I have done these things? That trap me...slowly kill me. I feel all alone. No one knows my heart, my longings, my every sin. Except Jesus. I am utterly brokenhearted. I never knew I could feel like this. I'm trapped. I don't know how to break free. Lord, break me free. Make me whole again. Hold my heart. Hold me so close to You and never let me go! My soul is lost. The world got a hold of me. Yet, I feel You gently pulling me to You, with tears in Your eyes...Ready to hold me, cry with me, laugh with me, and make me new again.

I never dreamed I could be hurt in the ways I have been. You are a beautiful God who is there for the weak and brokenhearted. This song by Bethany Dillon keeps running through my head: "The orphan clings to Your hand, singing the song of how he was found. The widow rejoices, for her oppressors are silenced now. The runaway falls at Your feet, You are what he has searched for. The rich man is broken, when he stands beneath a sky full of stars. And You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor. You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore. When You could just be silent and leave us here to die...Still You sent Your Son for us...You are on our side!"

"You're all I want! You're all I need! You're EVERYTHING! And how could I stand here with You and not be moved by You?!" ~Lifehouse

God, I need You. From the depths of my soul, I cry out to You! Save me...from myself, from the enemy, from the world. I am broken. I am scared. You are literally all I have. Is that what You want me to feel? Do You want me to cling to You? You're my only hope and that's true. I can't keep living without You...it's eating my very soul.

There are so many things in my life I would have and should have done differently. And, Lord, I know You want to save us from our sins. To wash them away and make us white as snow. You give us a way out...Looking back on my life, You gave me a way out of my pain and misery before I even made the bad choices I did. I'm so sorry. I want You, all of You forever. Break the chains of anything not of You! And hold me in Your strong arms! Fulfill Your purposes in my life. Amen."
It was literally right after I wrote this that the Lord moved mightily in my heart and life! He is so faithful, so true. And He is whispering to your heart...come to Me. I am all you need...

Today is marked by a sacredness, a beauty that cannot be put into words. As I remember who I once was and who I am now in Christ. The tears keep coming today because I am full of joy unspeakable. I knew that I was helpless and could not break the chains of sin myself, but He is mighty and strong always!

This is the song I wrote the lyrics to in my journal. It played in my mind so much during that time as I realized the heart of mercy and love that the Father has for us! He is truly on our side, wants to rescue and redeem us, and strengthen us to carry our His purposes for our lives, for His glory! As I listen to it now, it gives me chills to remember how hard He fought for me, how He never left my side, He wooed me, romanced my heart, captivated me. This song will always be so special to me and remind me of August 2009.

7 comments:

Thinking of you on this beautiful day, that you can go back and visit the memorial stone of your life, dedicated to God on August 15th years ago. I rejoice with you sister. And pray God will make Himself known to you in some precious and perfect way to you on this day, just as He has for Eric. Also, Happy Birthday! What excitement to celebrate both your birthday and spiritual birthday on the same day!!! lol

I literally just burst into tears when I read "Jesus wrecked my life." Because that happened to me too! And in that darkness there was this glorious light, leading me on, taking me home. I guess if I could count one day as being my "spiritual birthday" I would say it was July 31st when Blaine was returned to me and I realized how much my Father loved me. Happy Birthday Hannah!