aftermath

I'm trying to put together the broken pieces of my childhood. There is so much pain that needs healing. I feel as if I wasn't allowed time to grief for the cruel and unjust things that were done upon me. That its manifested itself into mental illness. Self loathing. Most of the time I feel like im living half asleep. In a daze that " my head is in the clouds." I instinctevely brace myself when some raises a clentch fist. The beatings are easier to recall. When someone says something or touches me a certain way my body shuts down on me. I think its a defense mechanism I've developed. Lately my aniexty has taken a toll on me. I hardly ever sleep and when I do the nightmares begin. It's become so routine that I don't blame mself for wetting the bed when I was younger. I want to sort things out because it is becoming more and more difficult for me to distingust what is real or not. I get memories mixed up. People. Places. Timelines. That I've developed bad coping mechanism. I want to feel something other than this pain. That I endanger myself, "I promise that this will be my last beer" - I manipulate and seduce people. It's not uncommon for victims of sexual abuse to become promiscuious. It has something to do with retaining their power. Isn't that ironically twisted. Comical even. For the longest time my one conviction was that I wasn't allowed to love myself because if all the wrongs that were inflicted on me. That their behavior allowed me to hate myself. That destorying myself was the only way no one can hurt me. The only thing I want from this revelation is validation. For myself. That these things did happen and I'm not crazy.​