If You Are Carrying A Snake Around In Public, You Suck…

I am furious and when I am furious, I swear worse than normal. I COULD write this without using NSFW words, but I don’t WANT to. So read on, if you wish, but don’t complain to me about language.

I am TERRIFIED of snakes. At this point in my life, I am only able to remain in the vicinity of one if I know it is there, am not startled by its presence, and it is at least 10 yards away. And even that takes great effort on my part.

Now, I think a fear of snakes is so common that a reasonable person could be expected to have a certain sensitivity if they were say, holding one, and there were other people around.

I mean if I were afraid of something benign like a potted plant, I’m not sure I could hold you accountable for sneaking up behind me with a leafy fern, but if you enter my immediate personal space with a SNAKE, I consider that assault and I don’t care what the law says. It is entirely possible that I could have a heart attack if that happens.

We have dogs, a turtle, a guinea pig, gerbils and a bird, so I spend A LOT of time in pet stores. And I know they sell snakes, and I am very careful to skirt the reptile tanks, even as I go for my turtle’s food supply, and I never look at them.

So today, because my stupid dogs ate the gerbil and turtle food again, I went into Pet Supermarket on Perry Hill Rd. in Montgomery, AL.

THANK THE GODS, I noticed the moron working there walking down the aisle uncoiling a snake she had just taken from its tank. I saw her laying it on her shoulders as I made a quick detour to the opposite side of the store.

It was now at the front of the store. What was she doing with it? Was a potential customer looking at it? Was she putting it in a container for it to go to its new home?

I could not even consider shopping and making purchases until I knew where that fucking snake was, so I crept back towards the front, peeking around the Clearance display, and watched the two cashiers closely. I wasn’t sure if one of them was Snake Girl since I had been mesmerized by the snake itself and never noticed her face as she walked down the aisle. But they were the only two employees in sight. Had Snake Girl been clocking out and leaving for the day with her pet? Was it National Bring a Snake to Work Day?

I inched forward trying not to call attention to myself as both of them rang up customer’s purchases. Finally, I saw it. The goddamn thing was underneath her hair, wrapped around her neck as she RANG UP CUSTOMERS.

Can you imagine if I had walked in three minutes later and she was already behind her register with the damn thing? What if, as I was sliding my credit card, the fucking thing poked its head out at me? I really can’t even imagine the resulting fall-out from that happening. I would have screamed, yes, but I would have also been furious, and that fury might have brought tears. And at that point, I would have REALLY wanted to hurt someone. And the whole time that was happening, the fucking snake would still be there staring at me with its slitted eyes.

So I left there without purchasing a goddamn thing and I will never walk back in that store as long as I live. Oh, and I will be contacting the company to let them know. But I am still FURIOUS. I am shaking. I am a nervous wreck. I am thankful it wasn’t worse. Oh, and I REALLY want to hurt somebody.

UPDATE: September 21st, 2015

Filed Under: You have got to be kidding me.

Turns out, there is more to the story… yesterday, I was at a fundraising event for a local shelter called “Bark in the Park.” Note that it was NOT called “Ssss in the Park.”…

There were dog agility demonstrations, food vendors, adoptable pets and a “dog parade.” It was NOT called a “Snake Parade” or a “Reptile Parade” or a “Bring Whatever The F@ck You Want Parade.”

Well, Pet Supermarket was there giving away lots of swag – tennis balls and tote bags. As I stood by, cheering on my own dogs in the parade being walked by my daughter and her friend, along comes an employee of Pet Supermarket “walking” an effing snake in the DOG parade.

And it wasn’t the same employee as the last time! I could not believe it. Just as I was about to forgive them, as a thank you for the freebies, along comes an employee from the House of Slytherin marching along with an effing snake.

I don’t know what is wrong with Pet Supermarket, who apparently needs to change their name to “Snake Supermarket”, but my heart is once again closed against them. I shall never darken their door or take a free dog bandana from them again.

In case you don’t believe me, here is an actual picture, from the actual FB page of the shelter in question, of the actual girl wearing the actual snake in her hair like a scrunchy.

Cheaper Than Therapy is a blog and live storytelling show in Montgomery, AL. FOLLOW the blog, LIKE the show on FB, FOLLOW me on Twitter @ReneaDijab or come check out the show!