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Trump, Putin and Kim Jong-un call for calm after UK election

In a rare demonstration of international cooperation, leaders around the world have joined together to prevent the planet falling off a precipice. ‘No matter what happens, we have your back,’ said the three leaders, who normally engage in a little ribald teasing of each other. ‘Unlike climate change and world peace,’ said President Trump today, ‘this is serious.’

The NHS has stated that it is braced, and has put all its accountants on stand-by. It’s impossible to say what the funding streams will look like going forward,’ said one NHS financial expert, ‘but we can expect to see the budget on some form of life support, whatever happens.’

The head of Islamic State has called for calm and urged Moslems the world over to give the UK time to come to terms with the results of the General Election. ‘We will work closely with other world leaders to ensure the transition from bumbling to randomness is as smooth as possible,’ said an ISIS spokesman today.

The whole world is reeling at the prospect of Brexit happening hard, now; or soft, later; or quite incredibly, not at all. ‘We could see companies Nationalised and bribed with Corporation Tax cuts at the same time,’ said one financial expert, admitting the markets ‘just didn’t know what to expect next, apart from huge profits.’ The prospect of a coalition involving the extreme right and the extreme left is a real eventuality,’ said a political commentator remembering the Blair years with a shudder. ‘We’ve tried that before and we know where that ends up,’ he said.