About Me

Hi All! Thank you for looking in and reading a bit about my journey through infertility.

I am a 33 year old housewife (former crazy workaholic) in Orange County, CA braving IVF after 4 years of TTC naturally. I have been through three IVF/ICSI cycles and am currently pregnant from our 3rd cycle in February 2012.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

"It Is Time"

"It is time" to start embracing this pregnancy. After 17 and a half weeks of just hoping it would come to me naturally... I have decided I might need to get involved in overcoming this lack of connection, paralyzing fear it is ending at any moment and put hope forward.

Not exactly sure where to begin in this process but I might be starting with opening a pregnancy book(s). And maybe even a journal of some kind. And while we are at it... I might even make Adel open one also (I have a "What to Expect When Your Wife is Expanding" book that has been collecting dust for some time now). I have lot of books that have either been bought, gifted or handed down during my various pregnancies that I have faithfully kept on the shelf in an effort to keep me from having to pack them back up when this pregnancy ended far too early... but it hasn't ended... and it's time to start appreciating that.

My Many Pregnancy/Baby Books... Pulled from the Shelf!

When I was in the workforce... I used to be a training manager. I would manage the training of an organization's employees on all aspects of their job... position training, sales training, customer service training, leadership training, etc, etc. One of my favorite classes (one that I would often facilitate myself) was a customer service class where I would talk about moments of impact with a customer. That every call/interaction with the customer was an opportunity to impact the customer positively or negatively... and how the employee needed to make these moments of impact with the customer an invaluable experience with our company. In a positive way of course. That even a complaint call... especially a complaint call... was an opportunity for greatness... a moment of impact with the customer. You get the idea. This weekend I was watching "The Vow" and they had a different (more in depth) play on the moments of impact. The movie says that life is all about "moments of impact... that these flashes of reality that turn us upside down... change us". It also stated that "The truth is we're the sum of all moments we've experienced with all the people we've ever known... and these moments become our history". "These moments of impact define who we are". So while watching the movie I start thinking of my life's moments of impact... and eventually started focusing on the ones from my TTC (trying to conceive) journey. I can see how I have changed though the years, through the torture of this process. Through all my pregnancies and through the losses. Each one affected me in some way. I am more guarded, nervous, emotional, unsure and crazy as a person for sure, oh and more broke (financially, haha). But maybe, just maybe... I can also find positive changes from this journey... like this stoic patience I have developed, this crazy strength to preserver, a deep respect for the medical advances that make this all possible (regardless of the fact that it's torturous) and lastly (this isn't a change but more of a reassurance... we could all use a little reassurance once in a while) the confirmation that I picked the right person to go through this journey with. My moments of impact have changed me... and I am on the heels of an impact right now. This pregnancy is yet another moment of impact. This baby... however it turns out... will change me/is changing me. And I need to let it. With all of me. And if I take the moment of impact one step further and apply my training vision to it... this moment of impact is an opportunity for greatness and completely comes down to how I handle the impact. From today, I am choosing to embrace this impact... and all the precious moments that come with it.

A little background on my level of crazy today... I had my anatomy scan this morning. At 3ish in the morning I woke up for one of my many nighttime pees and was struggling to get back to sleep. All I could think about was my impending appointment and realized I wasn't even excited to find out if I was having a boy or a girl. WHAT? Who isn't excited about that? Seriously. I really was indifferent. To me the appointment was another opportunity for something to be wrong. The gender was of secondary interest to the panic of possible bad news. These thoughts stayed with me for the rest of the night and into my morning routine... I started panicking about knowing the gender and fearing the connection that would be formed once I knew... cause then it would hurt so much more when this ended badly. Eventually, cause I am a crazy hormonal chick I start thinking of what a bad mom I am already. That I didn't even believe in the little nugget and didn't care what the gender was. I wasn't excited. That I was using the pain of this journey as an excuse to not even connect with my child. Queue the tears. I became a sobbing mess. When the tears started to dry and the crazy subsided... I decided "it is time". The little nugget deserves it.

Onward to the appointment! Anatomy scan was perfect. Everything looked exactly as it should. Baby has the four chambers of the heart, all digestive organs, brain checked out good, 10 fingers, 10 toes, etc. And we are having A GIRL!!!! Lol. We were definitely unprepared for a girl after being told at 12 weeks were possibly having a boy. I guess this is a prime example why 12 weeks is way too early to be guessing. Halfway through the scan I asked the tech to check again... "is it still a girl?" Haha. Yes, it was still a sweet baby girl. OMG. I don't even know what to do with a girl... I have always envisioned boys! Eeeep! Regardless, we are ecstatic and can't wait to spoil her rotten. Go Team Pink!

So there you have it... a bit of an announcement, an awakening and a promise to embrace this impact.

At 17 weeks and 4 days pregnant, I have made my first big decision as a mom... and that's to go all in...

20 comments:

Congrats team pink! I like the positivity of this post and how you likened it to those trainings. This really is a tough road and I think what you were feeling is normal it comes with it. The fear, the nervousness, being guarded. But I'm glad you've taken the step to start enjoying this pregnancy.

Yay team pink!!!! So exciting, what a surprise! And so glad you are jumping all in! I've been trying to for a few weeks to read the books and make an effort to connect, it is coming along, I know it will for you too.

YAYAYAY! First, girls are awesome. Second, I am glad to not only hear that I am not alone in my disconnected craziness, but that you are also choosing to embrace this baby. It's so hard, I know, but I think this is the best thing we can do for ourselves and our babies. I am just so happy for you hon. Congratulatons!!!

Congrats on your girl! I felt the same way before my anatomy scan--I was just worried that something was wrong and wasn't excited at all. Pregnancy anxiety is rough (I'm going through a bout right now at 30 weeks), but it is all worth it in the end. I think it's great that you're going all in! I found that registering helped calm me down because it kept me focused on the fluffy stuff. Also, once I hit twenty-some weeks, I started reading books on breastfeeding and bringing baby home from the hospital. This kept my energy focused on a positive future and helped with the anxiety a lot.

Hi! I've been reading your blog since January or so, and have been happily following all your good news but have never posted. We just brought home a baby girl - the product of a gestational carrier - to join 3-year-old son, who I carried after extensive IVF. I felt inspired to comment on this post, b'c I SO CLEARLY REMEMBER THIS FEELING from my pregnancy with my son. I couldn't believe after so many miscarriages and failed attempts that I would be a mom - I was so afraid. And a friend told me, "You are not preparing for the harvest that God has for you. In this moment, you ARE A MOTHER TO THIS BABY, and YOU ARE MISSING IT." It really helped me, and I hope it helps you, too. DON'T MISS IT!!!! I think my son was 3 months old before I realized that I was finally a mom, and that he was ok! Hugs to you. Heather

If possible I would love to know the name of your RE. We are talking to one out of thousand oaks . He was referred by friends. But it's always good to get 2nd opinions and you were successful your first try with him! Thank you!