A British Perspective On American Girls Studying Abroad

“Oversexed, overpaid, and over here”–that’s what our greatest generation, bemoaning the increased competition, called your grandfathers during World War II. In fact, it’s believed that possibly as many as 50,000 British women unpatriotically followed their Yanks home after Adolf’s murder-suicide in the Führerbunker. But we can forgive you, because for a few months each summer, your female undergrads are oversexed, over here, and under us.

I know men so un-athletic, they’d struggle to drive the green on a par three from the ladies’ tee, yet every June, July, and August, they put up Tiger Woods numbers. And sure, it’s a little weird that half of them have boys’ names–Jamie, Jordan, Cameron, Shawn, and so on–but when almost all the seduction required is name-dropping that you’re Jon Snow’s cousin, you know the juice is going to be worth the squeeze.

Here’s why we love it:

1. European Heritage

Almost every visiting American belle has some European heritage she’s looking to explore. This is great, because you think we’re all sexual deviants. Claiming that anal is normal for European women and that monogamy isn’t a part of my national culture? Guilty. Ditto threeways. Because apparently, in my country, it’s an honor for a woman to share her man with another woman.

Small FYI: “European” bathing is definitely not a thing in most of Europe. It’s mostly just the occasional middle-aged white dude weirding out the rest of the beach. The only country where the women are consistently topless is France, where, thanks to years without tan lines, you’ll only find women whose breasts have, in truly Gallic style, completely surrendered to gravity.

2. Cultural Knowledge

Sure, we’ve got about a few hundred years of a cultural head start on you, but that doesn’t mean we’ve got all the answers. No, wait–we do.

“Did you know that Big Ben is named after Benjamin Franklin?”
“That’s amazing!”
“I know, who knew?”

“They say that this is where Cedric Diggory died in Harry Potter.”
“That’s so sad. I heart Robert Pattinson.”
“Has anyone ever told you that you look like a pretty Kristen Stewart?”

“According to royal legend, a future king and queen’s first kiss must be in the shadow of Buckingham Palace at midnight.”
“No. Way. Seriously?”
“What a coincidence! There’s Buckingham Palace, and it’s nearly midnight.”

3. The Accent

Like most European countries, our government subsidizes a certain amount of British movies every year. They’re mostly the three act romantic nonsense you only watch when your girlfriend is punishing you. Although it’s 90 minutes of your life that you’ll never get back, it’s still a hell of a lot easier than apologizing sincerely. In fact, there’s almost nothing good about these films. Unless you’re one of Will and Kate’s future subjects, in which case, your accent is now a panty-dropping Pavlovian trigger.

Words such as “gosh,” “cripes,” or just about any interjection used in “Downton Abbey” are particularly effective. They’re absolute nonsense to anyone who has grown up on Greenwich Mean Time, but for some reason, these phrases have the same effect as Clooney telling a young starlet about his place on Lake Como or a “Fight Club”-era Brad Pitt body.

4. Drinking Age

Her first time drinking without a fake ID? Probably. Ordering shots like she’s Lil Jon? YAY-UH! Still only has a freshman tolerance for liquor? Absolutely.

Despite living in the land of the free, you have to be an adult for three years to legally drink alcohol. That makes no sense. But then, neither does celebrating your independence from Britain…by going home with a Brit. Still, that’s what makes commemorating the Fourth of July in the UK truly special: two great nations coming together twice that night and once in the morning as she chants USA! USA! in perfect cadence with my vinegar strokes..

“Sure, we’ve got about a few hundred years of a cultural head start on you, but that doesn’t mean we’ve got all the answers. No, wait–we do.” Fuck you. How about you fix your bullshit government, fix your crooked teeth (all british people have dental problems), and then go fuck yourself. Suck a dick.

It was posted because they knew we’d all click on it and commence bitching. At this point the articles that get posted on TFM have nothing to do with being in a fraternity, from the south, conservative, or even being an American. It everything to do with the catchy click-bait headline and how much ad revenue the article attracts.

After visiting in London for a week and having friends that go to a business school abroad there i can say the one very obvious thing that we have the English do not is confidence. They will literally follow anything we do simply because our normal behavior is seemingly on the level of a cavalry leader about to charge into battle. They are very reserved, while we don’t give a shit what anyone thinks because fuck you, we are a superpower.

There’s one big difference here, champ. Foreign girls will fuck me for a Green Card and a shot at the American dream, American girls are just visiting your shithole country for fun. I also sodomized your sister.

First off, the reason you should forgive our grandfathers isn’t because our girls are going over there now. You should forgive our grandfathers because if not for them, you all would be speaking German.

Second, it works both ways champ. I too studied abroad in London, and every guy in my program absolutely cleaned up with English chicks. It was practically parade of girls streaming out of the dorm every morning. Why? Because, color me shocked, but all people want to experience new things sexually. Congrats for figuring out that mystery Pip.

jotsdujardin , this was so shitty that it actually encouraged me to make an account just so I could tell you how much I hate you as a person. I even took the time to Google “ugly ass teeth brits” and found a picture of Austin Powers to put along with my username. Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.