The RKane One’s Wrestlemania XX Prediction Conniption

Well hello there humanoids. T’is I, Richard F’n Kane, with a special pre-RKane Domain column. Now though I suppose I could justify making this the official first edition I have chosen to forego such action, due mainly to the nature of this ‘ere column. Unfortunately I will be absent for an undisclosed amount of time as from tomorrow but I couldn’t leave without putting out a decent-sized effort, seeing as how I’ve yet to fully establish myself as an actual member of the BP.com writing staff. I won’t rant on about why, for this is neither the time nor the place. Plus, frankly… I’d rather just get on with it.

So what does the British Boy Wonder have in store for ya’ll? Well, peep’s, what we have is a wrestling-based mini-column this time round in The RKane One’s Wrestlemania XX Prediction Conniption, which will in turn double as an insight into this revived fan’s current thoughts on all things WWE. I’m toying with different subjects here as last time I focused briefly on the music side of things, seeing as how both subjects will feature heavily in the real column when the time comes. So there. I know there’s still a whole bunch of wrestling fans like myself round these parts so if you are a fan then enjoy, if not… why you readin’?

Oh, before I’d start I’d just like to thank John and everyone else for their tolerance. My professionalism has been severely lacking but I can honestly say that things will change. During my absence I’ll be knocking up the first official RKane Domain and it’ll be big, and it’ll be up as soon as I return. That’s a promise.

Anywayz, let’s get this ball rollin’.
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Women’s Title
If Molly Loses Her Head Gets Shaven
Victoria (C) -V- Molly Holly
Ah, the women’s division. I still don’t care. That being said though we at the very least have two very capable workers here, though I still hope it doesn’t go on for too long. The WWE has made it quite clear where the women stand in their eyes (as proven later on in the card) and as a result it’s pretty much desensitised the majority, hence the lack of interest in the women’s division. In any case my pick for this match is Molly Holly. For one I don’t really think creative has any real idea what to do with Victoria and for two I just really can’t imagine Molly, or any woman for that matter giving up their hair. It’s just… not right. My only hope is that they don’t give the title to Molly just so Lita has someone to feud with. Now THAT’S some painful viewing right there.

Cruiserweight Title
Cruiserweight Open
Chavo Guerrero (C) -V- Rey Mysterio -V- Billy Kidman -V- Ultimo Dragon -V- Funaki -V- Nunzio -V- Tajiri -V- Jamie Noble -V- Shannon Moore -V- Akio
I think I may be in the minority here in saying that I’m quite glad this match was booked. Sure, Rey -V- Chavo would’ve been a dead cert BUT I’m quite happy to wait for a rematch. What I see here is an opportunity for all these 10 guys to shine and I’m guessing there’s going to be PLENTY of high-spots. Hopefully eyes will be opened as a result of this match because the talent the WWE have on offer in their Cruiserweight division is just mind-boggling. I was hoping though that there’d be a guest entry, especially after hearing rumours that the WWE has signed Psicosis. At the end of the day though I’m seeing this match as fuel for the Rey/Chavo feud so with that being said I predict that Chavo Guerrero will retain. It’ll come down to Chavo and Rey, cue interference from Chavo Sr. and voila, you’ve got your rematch at Backlash. Well, one can hope.

Playboy Evening Gown Match
Stacy Kiebler/Miss Jackie -V- Sable/Torrie Wilson
I DON’T CARE! None of these women have any business being anywhere near a wrestling ring! The only reason this match was booked was for eye-candy purposes but hell, that’s what all the damn calendars and diva shoots and whatnot are for! Plus this just promotes what’s wrong with the WWE right now. They’d rather hark on about a totally underwhelming Playboy shoot then give us an actual WRESTLING MATCH. Now aside from the fact that I happen to believe that Torrie Wilson is perhaps the most unspectacular bimbo to ever “grace” the WWE the fact is her and Sable’s latest “wonderful” Playboy shoot was a sham. We’ve already seen both so-called “hotties” in those oh-so “hallowed” pages (hope I’m not coming across as too sarcastic here) and, ya know… we saw a whole lot more the first two times round. So why go do it again? Oh, I see… the lesbian thing. Whoop-dee-fricking-doo! Aaaaanywayz… Sable & Torrie will win, no one will care. The only way they’ll be able to justify having this match on the card is if there’s REAL flesh on display. I don’t care for T&A in wrestling but if they’re gonna keep teasing all the damn time they should at least have the bottle to go that one step further on the biggest show of them all. Oh, and just thought I’d point out that Trish Stratus, whom I respect a great deal has turned down Playboy numerous times. What’s this have to do with anything? The girl worked her ass off to get herself over as a WRESTLER and she’s sticking to her guns, not wanting to go tarnish all that she’s worked for just for a quick boost in popularity flashing her “puppies” in a shoot that the general public will ultimately forget. Yet who does Vince favour? Vince, the guy who just signed two former Playboy playmates instead of women who actually know how to wrestle. Uh oh, I’m ranting…

Chris Jericho -V- Christian
This should be a good ‘un. I’ve actually enjoyed this storyline and with any luck it’ll add a decent amount of heat to what should be a class match. Christian’s finally getting somewhere as a standalone heel and though Jericho as a heel is usually golden I’m confident another face run will freshen his character up again, especially if he ends up paired with Trish for good. So yeah, I’m predicting a Chris Jericho victory here via interference from the vengeful Trish Stratus. Then, if creative has ANY sense whatsoever Jericho and Trish will embrace in one those dramatic bubblegum sitcom moments and this whole storyline will have actually been worth it. And Jericho will be a lucky sonofabitch.

Unites States Title
Big Show (C) -V- John Cena
I don’t really care for this feud but as long as Cena ends up with the US title round his waist I’ll be happy, and it kinda seems as though that’s the only point to this feud anyway. So yeah, I’m predicting a win from John Cena. It SHOULD be an okay match, though I aint expecting anything special. I think Cena needs the belt and in my opinion he’s far more deserving, though to Show’s credit he did deliver a pretty decent promo this past week on Smackdown! He still doesn’t deserve so much air-time though. Unless he loses some damn weight. Which he won’t. So blah.

World Tag Team Titles
Rob Van Dam/Booker T (C) -V- La Resistance -V- Mark Jindrak/Garrison Cade -V- The Dudleys
I don’t actually know if The Dudleys are in yet but I’m assuming so. Either way I don’t care, because I have no reason to care about this match. The Tag Team division on RAW is possibly one of the worst booked divisions ever in the history of the industry so why should I care? Jindrak & Cade will probably pull the upset victory, despite having the collective charisma of a toilet brush. Then maybe they’ll send RVD to Smackdown. Or maybe they’ll just let his contract run out. Because they suck.

The Rock & Sock Connection -V- Evolution
I’m predicting this will be a FUN match, if nothing else. It’ll be nice to see Mick Foley back in action and The Rock’s been extremely entertaining the last few times he’s shown up (despite looking like a complete freak with that stupid goatee). I don’t think we’ll be seeing much action from the injured Ric Flair so it’ll be up to Randy Orton and Batista to put on a good show… which is a little alarming. Orton CAN be good and Batista… well, he sucks but alas, as long as they keep the focus on Foley and Orton things should work out fine. The feud’s been built up quite well over the past few weeks, though I really don’t see Orton as a breakout star. At all. Hell, it’s taken him a feud with one of the greatest legend’s in the business to generate any real heat. I see The Rock & Sock Connection winning this one, because I doubt they’d bring The Rock back in for the biggest show of the year just to lose, although I did have second thoughts about my prediction on this one many times. Oh, and for those who don’t know, that horrible injury Foley sustained at the hands of Orton was REAL. Foley actually asked Orton to hit him as hard as he could during a beatdown. Props to Orton for being brave enough to do it and props to Foley for still being one of the most insanely dedicated guys ever. All hail him. Or else.

Undertaker -V- Kane
Stupid feud, though we all knew it was going to happen. The ONLY thing I’m looking forward to in this match is the return of the Deadman, though I’m apprehensive due to the fact that I don’t really think he can pull it off anymore. We’ll see. Seeing Paul Bearer should be a nice nostalgic touch. Bottom line is though Kane… sucks, frankly. They’ve destroyed him to put it simply. Undertaker will win, obviously, and this match will get over on the premise alone. Content-wise it will most likely suck, because this Deadman aint the Deadman I care to remember.

Brock Lesnar -V- Goldberg
Special Guest Referee “Stone Cold” Steve Austin
I’m looking forward to this match, despite the fact they haven’t have Goldberg on TV in weeks to help promote it. I can see this match being stiff as hell and at the very least it should be intense. Hopefully Austin doesn’t get involved too much during the match. Brock Lesnar will win though, and here’s why. For one I don’t see them renewing Goldberg’s contract (which is a real dumb move, though I’m by no means a Goldberg mark) and for two I’m guessing Vince just sees it as another nail in WCW’s coffin, having WCW’s biggest name lay down for the WWE’s own version (and don’t try and deny that Lesnar was originally meant to be just that.) I’m beginning to think that MAYBE Austin will interfere and cost Goldberg the match though because as many people have said, it would be MONEY to have Austin’s very last feud be against Goldberg.

WWE Title
Eddie Guerrero (C) -V- Kurt Angle
This match will steal the show, no doubt about it. Eddie HAS to win this though so yeah, I predict Eddie Guerrero will retain. Eddie is insanely over and I don’t see why they’d have him beat Lesnar for the title just to hand it Angle a month later. Plus given the way this feud’s been booked it seems Eddie will have the emotional support from the fans, as he’s been booked as the underdog against Angle given all the verbal berating and beatdowns. If Angle wins it will be the dumbest thing the WWE has done in a very, very long time, although I really don’t see it happening as there’s a lot of concern about the condition of Angle’s neck lately, despite him saying everything’s fine. Rumours suggest that creative are a little dubious about keeping Angle in the main-event scene when they can’t be 100% sure that his neck’s going to hold out, which is a fair point I guess. I don’t really think it’d hurt to send Angle down to the midcard for a bit to help put over some of the up-and-coming talent, as there’s no one on Smackdown better for the job. This won’t be the last time Eddie and Kurt clash but after this feud I’d suggest bringing up a fresh face to the main-event scene. Eddie’s a fresh face himself so it’d be a wise move in my opinion.

World Heavyweight Title
Triple H (C) -V- Chris Benoit -V- Shawn Michaels
Poor, poor Benoit. What does his Rumble win mean now? Nothing. This guy never complains, always gives his best, works harder than anyone on the damn roster and how’s he treated? They don’t even have faith in him to headline in a one-on-one match! BULLSHIT! This is all another lame excuse for the Triple H/Michaels egothon to once again steal the spotlight anyway. Fuck Triple H. I seriously hate his lazy ass and his stupid politics. Benoit WON’T win, because Shawn Michaels is going to pin him to win the World Title to prove he can win the “big one” one last time and so that Triple H doesn’t have to lay down on the biggest night of the year. Plus he’d never lie down for the man he could only ever dream of being half as good as anyway. Oh, and has anyone else noticed how much they’re trying NOT to put Benoit over as a face? This makes me wonder if they’re going to have him turn heel so he can feud with Michael’s, culminating in a match at Backlash where Benoit HAS to win that damn belt. If he doesn’t, well… fuck the WWE basically. Still, this will be a decent match as long as they don’t have Triple H dominating for the better part.
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And that’s it folks! I’m looking forward to WM20 a whole damn lot and with ANY luck things will start to pick up after. My faith has only just been rekindled so here’s hoping for a better year for the WWE. Who knows, maybe Vince will become sane again. Then again… no, no he won’t.

5 thoughts on “The RKane One’s Wrestlemania XX Prediction Conniption”

hey, i dont know much about wrestling (and i dont really care much about it either)… but your writing is wonderful!! very professional, nice vocab, well constructed. bravo over all!!

on bit of crit: tis a bit long… it could just be cuz i have no interesting in wrestling… but i think that you would attract more readers if the column was a bit shorter. but it again, it could just be me.

i agree with both hec and bell, normally a really long article like this might be a turn off for some people, keep that in mind for your upcoming features. But that being said, i think that this one article aims at a set target audience at a certain time of year who will definitly sit down and read the whole damn thing, and that my friend is called opportunistic marketing (good job!).

Whatever you do i trust you entirely on it, i know you’ll deliver and excellently, just try to keep as good a sight on your audience as you did on this one.