A great relationship is based on trust, honor, and seeing the soul of each other. Feed those and repeat them over and over. Oh, please bring a big dose of humor. It can save you from battle fatigue, meaning you can’t take yourself or the situation to seriously… ever.

I am going to give you the don’ts and then the fixes, the things you want to fixate and feed on. We often get attached to being right and defending our stance, so here are my things to avoid unless you are ready to destroy your relationship. Don’t think any of these will be new to you. Just look at them and see which ones you buy into and then meditate, really meditate, on the flip side of each one. Each weakness is the flip side of our biggest greatness. What we focus on and feed matters. Feed daily on the dos and the don’ts will dissolve.

Ten no nos

Be attached to being right at all costs

Be unwilling to talk about things

Clam up; passive-aggressive stance

Be a bitch or rager

Be a blamer

Keep score of your partner’s mess ups and feed them back on a regular basis

When stressed, act out (in your favorite manner; there are many)

Act or speak irrationally on a regular basis

Use what other people have said about your partner during a fight to substantiate your point.

Speak badly about your partner in public with or without them being present.

Most people know these are recipes for disaster, yet we fall into these patterns more often than we care to admit, then it becomes a pissing contest about who is being worse or more wronged. The great news is we can stop any bad behavior. We can create a red light and then have a positive action to replace it with. I truly believe that strengthening what you want is more important than weeding out the things you don’t want. You still want to be aware of what sucks the juice out.

What brings harmony? Harmony is priceless and everyone wants to live in it, yet we often don’t feel comfortable being there, or we don’t feel right unless there is some drama or trauma happening. We often equate harmony with boredom and lack of being present. It is none of these. Harmony is being present. This takes some work, to stay there, but much less work than digging yourself out of the “dog house“ pit.

There are things I call interrupters or things that break the focus when we are on a tear, a rage, a bitch roll, a whatever. They give us back our real selves—the one we want to be with. Here is one to do instead of clawing our eyes out.

Claw Dance: two steps for a radiant, charismatic energy.

Round up and tighten fingers in long clawed-like hands. Come up tall on your toes swinging the arms out to the sides and up over the head in a big arcing motion. Breathe in on the way up while saying “WHO”. Next, squat down while the arms are swinging downward in a big arc. Exhale, saying “LA” on the way down. Keep repeating these 2 steps.

Use this breath in moments when you need to reclaim yourself from a difficult situation, a frustrating moment, or when really angry.

Dragon Breath: brings expansion.

Inhale with eyes closed in four equal parts through the nose or mouth, then exhale by extending your tongue out as far as possible and opening your eyes as wide open as you can. Share this with your children. Look at yourself in the mirror when doing this and you will get another benefit: taking yourself lightly it is a very funny sight. Do it in the middle of a fight. See what happens. Focus shifts and negative interlock breaks. Try it and see the benefits.

10 Great Embracers

If you truly embrace these, things will shift into a much more harmonious accord in your relationship.

Be Flexible

Practice communicating; practice listening, whether you feel like it or not.

Open up. Trust.

Relate to the wisdom in yourself and your partner

Be the claimer: recite to yourself the things you love about your partner

Forgive yourself and your partner. Allow the possibilities of change for the better.

When stressed, know what you need. Make a list when you are not stressed. Ask for support. Let your partner know what you need when you are calm. Time to exercise, meditate, take a bath, hugs, etc.

Don’t share your fights with others unless they help you see how you contributed.

Uplift your partner by how you speak to, with, and about him/her.

Sometimes, just sit or lie down and have 15 minutes of saying what you truly love about each other. Take turns. If you run out of things to say, repeat what you have already said.

Sounds easy, right? I know sometimes it is not. We get frustrated. That’s why committed relationships are looked at as one of the most challenging paths. They are great at changing us. Make the change; be one with wisdom, upliftment, and vastness. Who wants anything less? It takes day-to-day moment-to-moment practice, but remember why you fell in love with this person—you SAW them. See them again. You will want to do these things.

Put the love and energy into the creation of something juicy. It will expand. If you put the energy into what isn’t right, it too will expand. Choose then. You won’t abuse.