"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid."
- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)

Friday, September 10, 2004

Another Emily Day

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, though I doubt anyone was really feeling the "need" for a fix. I have had alot of stuff going on with work and have been extremely lazy, which makes for an awful combination and not much capacity to complete work.

I was having a pretty intense Emily day today. I was dreaming about her last night and despite the fact, that as usual, the dream was not exactly going my way...I really didn't want to get up and leave her. Even in my dreams she hates me, but my dreams are the only place I get to spend any time with her at all. She tells me how much she hates me, sometimes she takes a baseball bat to me or has someone else do it, sometimes she tells me she's scared of me...I don't know how to respond to any of them, but I do know that even as she makes me cry I don't want to leave her. I turned off my alarm and tried to go back to her, knowing that it wouldn't lead to a warm embrace or a gentle kiss, but I wanted to just hear her voice and see her and believe she was really there for just a few more minutes. I was in the car most of the day and couldn't help but find myself wanting to take every freeway exit that went West so that I could drive to her and see her again. I don't even know where she is at this point and I wouldn't do it anyway because I know she doesn't want to see me, but the urge wouldn't go away. Yesterday I had resolved that there were so many things I was going to post about today, but today it isn't looking good.

I watched The Butterfly Effect last night. Maybe it was part of the problem today. It made me think of Emily and wonder how much better off we both might have been had we never met. Of course, the Director's Cut of the movie leads to a very different solution (the ending is dramatically different). I often think those people who claim someone is so special that they are glad they met them even though their hearts got broken are insane or liars. The absence of someone so special and amazing isn't made better by having had them in your life, it is made worse. Happiness is a relative thing, much like prices. The happier you are at one point (or see yourself becoming) the more adversely the depression effects you. I'm just rambling now I suppose, but I would like to yell my apologies into the ether to my beloved...I'm sorry for all the things I did and didn't do that adversely effected your life. All I ever wanted, selfish as it was, was for you to be happy and with me. Nothing hurts quite so much as realizing that for you those two things are mutually exclusive.

I'll try to post some econ stuff tomorrow--as well as some fun news stories and some depressing political stories (I had to deal with the whole 60 minutes fiasco in the car today as it was on NPR as well as several other stations simultaneously). till then...Night all.