Marriage Matters: How to de-quill a porcupine

Sunday

Jul 8, 2012 at 12:01 AMJul 8, 2012 at 8:11 AM

Why would anybody love me? I’m not lovable.

James and Audora Burg

Why would anybody love me? I’m not lovable.

There are times when we all face this question to one extent or another. It is a terrible feeling, one that leads to a fear of being left, or staying alone. It is a feeling that leads to chameleon-like behavior.

If you have ever been in this situation, you know how exhausting it is to be who you think other people want you to be rather than simply being yourself.

But when the insecurity comes, it starts as what seems like a small part of you to give up, but eventually it leads to bigger and bigger pieces until you become unsure of who you really are; or worse, you become convinced that who you really are is someone that nobody could possibly love.
We create a fictitious identity, a pseudo-self, which is only as real as our pretentions. Being this other person may temporarily provide a sense of emotional safety, but it is exhausting and eventually unsustainable.

The alternative is to be boldly yourself, which is sometimes not very pretty, as we readily see in our own marriage. At times, each of us gets grumpy, sad, jealous, angry, testy, and is otherwise rather unpleasant to be around.

It’s almost ironic, that in our relationship we have grown to the point that when we feel insecure or unlovable, instead of being the social chameleon that changes colors to please the other, we show emotions and behaviors that almost seem specifically targeted to be unattractive to the other person.

Becoming prickly and withdrawn, or sullen and self-castigating, are not conditions that naturally prompt either one of us to say to ourselves, “Oooh baby, I want to snuggle up next to that!”

The good news is that with time, maturity, and a lot of communication, we have learned that when the our spouse transforms into someone who appears to be unlovable, that it is the very time that s/he is most in need of being loved.

For the person attempting to reach out, it takes effort to override the natural not-so-loving response and to replace it with a compassionate response.

That is, it takes imagination and faith to see the Beloved behind the prickly porcupine; then, it takes courage to embrace such a creature.

For the prickly porcupine, the person feeling not-so-lovable, the challenge is to discard the assumption that the other’s outreach is disingenuous and to accept the offering of love.

Quite often, through that give-and-take of the offering and receiving of love, the porcupine is de-quilled.