My story begins in another state, actually. My ex-fiance and I lived in Land O Lakes, Florida, for the past almost 3 years. He and I had our ups and our downs just like every couple, but it came time for us to move. It was near August when we moved. The place we were living then was unfit for any human being, let alone two or three. At the time, he and I were very much in love, and just trying to make ends meet and make our lives as people better. We both moved to Tennessee, hoping for both of us to find jobs quickly, find a place to live, and get on with our lives and be better people and truly be part of the ‘adult’ world that we felt we had not yet joined, despite being 22 and 24 respectively.

At the time, I had absolutely no idea I was pregnant at all. I didn’t know that in August, I was already two months along. I didn’t have any real ‘classic’ signs or symptoms of being pregnant, I even got what I thought was my period each month. But as it turns out, I was not aware that our baby was still there. I was nauseous sometimes, and sometimes my back hurt, and every now and then I felt something strange in my stomach, but I kept ignoring it, thinking it was just all in my imagination. But, it wasn’t. And from here on out, I would like to dedicate the rest of this story as if I were talking to our unborn daughter. Little Ember,

I just want you to know, that first and foremost, Mommy misses and loves you. She thinks about you every single day. I didn’t know it was possible to miss someone you never even got a chance to meet, but let me assure you, I miss you every single day, and it still hurts, more so now than when I actually lost you. I still didn’t know I had you inside of me, growing and becoming a little joy I know you would have been. When your father and I got to Tennessee, it ended up through certain things happening, that your father could not stay with me here in Tennessee, and had to return to Florida. This put a lot of strain on us, but we still made it work, or, at least we did our best to stay together. We fought a lot, because I didn’t want to go back to Florida, because I was afraid of being stuck in the same situation of not being near family in Tennessee, and with the job as a waitress I had, I wasn’t willing to give that up just to go back to a state that I had come to despise. It had been a long time since I had a job, and that job meant everything to me, because it meant that I was on the right track in life, and I was closer to my goal, and our goal as a family.

Life went on, I still had my job as a waitress, and I was working so hard to make sure both my life and the life that I wanted with your father [was great], little Ember. I really busted my rump every day at that horrible job, just to make sure that I could get my own place, instead of living with my own mother, your grandmother. It was my day off coming up, so on October 11th, I stayed up all night long. I thought I started my period and I wasn’t feeling well, but I had decided to stay up and do research on housing for myself and your father, as well as talking to a few friends. Then, around 4 a.m. on October 12th, I suddenly had this horrible cramp in my stomach, and I wasn’t feeling well at all. I decided to try and lie down, and hope to go to sleep, and that it would be over soon and I could go on about my day. I still didn’t know you were there, then. But, the pain kept on getting worse and worse, and I suddenly felt like I really had to go to the bathroom really badly. All I did was stand up, and I felt blood gushing down my leg and onto the floor, and pooling around my feet. I still didn’t know you were there. I went to the bathroom, and cleaned up as best as I could. Your grandma was still asleep, and at around 7 a.m., three hours later, I decided to wake her up and ask her to take me to the hospital because I was passing something that I just thought were huge blood clots along with bleeding heavily. I still didn’t know that was your home that was coming out.

We got to the hospital around 8 a.m. that morning. It was pretty far away considering where we lived. I was bleeding so heavily that I had to sit on a towel the whole way to make sure I didn’t mess anything but my clothing up. I had already gone through all my pads, and tampons were just being pushed right out, so they were utterly useless. I was in a great deal of pain, it was like what I assume contractions to be. I was very weak, and very pale, and was making a mess of the halls, bathroom, and room I was in. I couldn’t stand sitting down for too long, and I kept feeling like I had to go to the bathroom. The doctors kept doing tests, and they kept asking me if I was pregnant. I kept saying “no” because I still didn’t know you were there, though the more time that passed, the more I kept thinking back. “Was it possible?”, “Was I really pregnant and didn’t know it?”, “No, it can’t be, this is just a really bad period. I’ll be going home soon and it’ll all be gone and I’ll be okay.” I really thought I was going to die. I was losing a lot of blood. I had texted your father’s mother on the way to the hospital to tell her to let your father know I was going to the hospital, and that I didn’t know what was wrong yet, but I was hoping to find out soon.

At close to 3 p.m. I was still in a lot of pain, and I was still bleeding heavily, but it was coming a bit slower as time was passing. The head doctor came in and told me I had a miscarriage. It was then I couldn’t deny it any longer. You were there, and I lost you. I was in utter shock. I didn’t know what to say, and to keep from upsetting everyone, I just acted like it was no big deal. But inside, I knew instantly that I was dying. I was internally screaming the whole way home, though I didn’t shed a single tear. Not yet. I was still in shock. They told me that if I didn’t pass you soon, I would have to go for a D&C.

I still didn’t pass you that day. Or the next. I was still in a great deal of pain. I let my boss know what was going on, and I was given a week off work. I can’t quite remember the next days after I was told. But I do remember about two days later, I was sitting on the couch, and I suddenly had this really, really bad cramp. I felt like I needed to push. Your grandmother had just gone to bed, I believe. I pushed a little, and I felt something internally rip, and it hurt. It hurt so much. I immediately felt ill, and went to the bathroom. I kept pushing, but nothing. You were stuck. You were stuck in the birthing canal. No matter how hard I pushed and waited, you still didn’t want to come out. You were being rather stubborn. I kept telling you, over and over, how much I loved you, and how much you needed to come out or you were going to make mommy sick. I felt around with my fingers, and I felt your little head. I felt your small bones, and gave it one last good push and you came out, at least, part of you did. Your grandmother looked at what little bit of you came out, and we said our goodbyes to that part of you. I didn’t know that was only part of you, but I felt like somehow I knew though. I went to work a few days later, and again while I was at work, I felt like I really needed to go to the bathroom. [I felt] that familiar tearing and ripping and I went to the bathroom and the rest of you came out there, while I was at work. That was the hardest day of my entire life, saying good-bye to you for the last time.

Little Ember, I know you wouldn’t want to see it, but your father separated not long after your loss, for various reasons.

Ember Dalca, I’m so sorry I didn’t trust my instincts to tell me that you were there. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, and I’m sorry I lost you. Mommy loves you, so very, very much. I’ll see you again someday. I have a lullaby for you that you would have learned Romanian from your Mommy along with English, and you would have heard this wonderful lullaby every single night.

Comments

Daddy misses her. He misses mommy even if it’s one-sided. He’s sorry he’s internal about how he feels about things and wishes life was as as kind to all people as it is tragic for others. He regrets not being able to be there to care for mommy or see our little girl. He’s sorry he worries too much and can’t always find the right words to express himself. I hope to see you both again. I hope to continue what we had planned. Whether it be this life or the next, I hope to see you again. I miss you both terribly. If I could change the way things happened, I’d do whatever it took to make sure this wouldn’t have happened how it did. There are two deep chasms in my heart I will never be able to fill. Life goes on for some but is it a life worth living? No. Not like this. I like to think Ember is still here, watching us. The world is literally less special and meaningful without the two of you to share it with. Ember would have been a wonderful, beautiful member of mankind and I have no doubt she would have made us proud to have been her family. We will never know the joy of seeing you smile or laugh or hold you or kiss you or hug you. I’ll never know the joy of you losing your first tooth or giving you piggyback rides or tickling you. Taking care of you or your mommy when she was sick or being there when she went into labor. Your first love or taking interest in any hobbies we could have done together. Your first birthday, your first love or even being able to tell you “I love you” and hearing it back. There is no doubt in my mind your mother feels the same. I miss you. I’m sorry I never got to know you or got to give you both the life you so deserved. I hope you can forgive us for disagreeing on certain things and daddy wishes with all his heart things would change for the better. We love you. Our love for you resonates with our very being and will not dissipate. Daddy misses and loves the both of you regardless of any external factors. This is not your fault. This is nobody’s fault. But this is not the way things were supposed to be.