Thursday, July 25, 2013

Oopsie! Accidentally On Purpose

Despite all the hysteria that surrounded Citi Bike's debut, the system is in fact slotting neatly into the New York City transit infrastructure structure. Indeed, just like the subway, half the time you marvel over its speed and convenience, and half the time you curse it for totally screwing you over. I experienced the latter yesterday yet again when I emerged from the subway in Brooklyn only to find a dearth of bikes:

This guy took a drag off his cigarette and was like, "Tough shit:"

"No big deal," I thought. There's another station right down the block.

Fortunately, there were bikes, but unfortunately the station didn't work, so I was unable to pluck any of its heavy, overripe, human-powered fruit.

Or, if you prefer:

"I pulled the lever on the machine but the Clark bar didn't come out!"

[Exclamation point!]

"Well, crap," I thought, "I guess I'll just have to go to the next next station." So I did just that, and there was a bike waiting for me with my name on it (if my name were "Citi Bike," or else whatever's scribbled on that graffiti tag):

Sadly, that station didn't work either, so there I was, bikeless and adrift in stupid downtown Brooklyn and contemplating jumping this guy for his Citi Bike:

I'd have done it, too, if only I wasn't a complete and utter "woosie."

Then I thought about flashing him my fake Park Slope Food Coop ID and telling him I needed to commandeer the bike for urgent smugness-related business:

But he must have seen the menacing look in my eye because he rode off like the wind. (If the wind weighed fifty pounds, had only three speeds, and was plastered with corporate advertising.)

So in the end I had to walk, which I don't mind doing ordinarily, but which I do mind when I planned my whole trip around not doing it. On the way back, however, not only did I have success with Citi Bike, but I also got to see the police pull over a driver instead of a cyclist:

He won't go to jail, but he will have to perform a lot of community service:

Bucchere's plea deal, which does not include jail time, includes three years of probation and 1,000 hours of community service. He was scheduled to go to trial in October.

If nothing else, this is a lesson to beware of the Lucas Brunellian hero-in-your-own-mind mentality that can take over when you're riding in traffic and then compel you to write stupid stuff like this on the Internet after mortally wounding somebody:

"I was already way too committed to stop ... I couldn't see a line through the crowd and I couldn't stop so I laid down and just plowed through the crowded crosswalk in the least-populated place I could find," Bucchere wrote. "I hope he ends up OK."

Wow, what a putz. Too committed to stop? That sounds like the kind of excuse Carlos Danger would give for not pulling out in time.

On the other hand, it's hard to imagine a driver receiving a similar punishment, since in this country killing someone with your car is largely considered little more than an "Oopsie" unless huge amounts of alcohol are involved. For example, I wonder what will happen to this driver when the police catch him?

(Via Leroy's dog)

The unidentified 18-year-old bicyclist was riding on Northern Boulevard around 1:50 a.m. this morning when a driver ran a red light and smashed into the bicyclist, who clung to the roof of the dark-colored car. The cyclist held on to the roof from where he was hit, on 54th street, until he was flung from the car when it turned on to 53rd Place. All the while on the roof, the bicyclist was trying to get the driver to stop their car.

"The guy was laid out on the roof, banging with his hand and yelling, 'Stop! Stop! Stop!' like panicking," a witness told the Daily News. "The guy went flying off the front of the car. He went rolling on the street."

Hopefully, justice will prevail, and the police will locate the driver so they can force the cyclist to reimburse him for the damage to his car.

Really, a "hit-and-run accident?" How can a hit-and-run be an accident? How come I never read the phrase "attempted murder accident," "or drive-by shooting accident," or "robbery accident?" Hopefully the driver does get caught and by some miracle actually goes to jail, where I wouldn't be all that heartbroken to learn he became the victim of a "rape accident" in the shower.

More horrifying than any of this though is that cyclists in Berkeley are rolling through stop signs at a quiet intersection at moderate speeds:

Yes, after what was probably hours of staking out the intersection, the news crew managed to capture a series of completely non-thrilling utter non-near-misses like this one, in which which nobody narrowly avoided even the smallest amount of harm:

It seems to me that pretty much everyone in this video looks both ways before rolling through, and unlike the guy who was "way too committed to stop" they're all going slow enough to be able to bring their bicycles to a halt in about a foot and a half.

I'm not saying you should ride into an intersection like an idiot, but the only victim in this video was the stop sign, which is too metal and inanimate to give a fuck anyway.

Lastly, here's the latest attempt at redesigning the bicycle saddle by a person who can't come to terms with the fact that he should be riding a recumbent:

Note how hypnotically it undulates. Not convinced this is the future of bicycle saddles? Well, you'll be even less convinced after watching the video:

What is this "chaffing" they keep talking about? Whatever it is, it can't be worse than getting your genitals caught between the saddle and the rails while it's rocking.

Oh Shit! I watched that news video with trepidation, since that guy was filming me as I rode through the utterly empty intersection without stopping and even waved at him as I passed by. I ride through that intersection on my daily commute. California St. is a designated Bike Boulevard. It's quiet and not heavy with vehicular traffic. Most people riding through the intersection use some sense and stop if there are cars and blow right on through if there are not. Many times there are not. Why this reporter chose such a mellow spot is beyond me. He could have gone two blocks over to University Avenue and filmed far more harrowing traffic action, or San Pablo Avenue, which is Crazy With Asshole Drivers.

Thank Lob I didn't make the final edit. They probably couldn't block out the chirping crickets.

The guy doing the report is a well known douchebag. he always wants to point out "bad behavior" in every segment, but he has no more material to work from. He has done "bikes not stopping" like 3 times already. He is so strained for material he makes it up as he goes along. Nevermind him, he is just a big windbag.

Wishing things on people doesn't make them happen. In any case, sorry if you found my impotent wish too harsh for THE GUY WHO HIT SOMEBODY AND THEN DROVE AROUND WITH HIM ON THE ROOF BEFORE LEAVING HIM FOR DEAD.

Oakland Rollie twirls his moustachio in your general direction! (Sportin' douchey facial hair back when Brooklyn was still too scary for twee wan waifs.)

Hey speaking of saddles, whatever happened to the SaddleCo Flow? 'member that thing? Hi-tech mesh saddle for maximum scranal ventilation? Does anything ever make it out of Interbike and become a real fucking product? Yesterday it was so hot. **How hot was it?** It was so hot, my scranus was soaked with the sweet, sweet sweat of sweaty sweetness -- and so were my cotton shorts. It looked like I had goddamn pissed myself. Which I had, but that's beside the point.

I should also mention, I had on some bikey shorts underneath and sweated right through that shit. O how much better it would be to be suspended scranally upon a taut ass-trampoline of high-tech fiber mesh.

I get the part about the articulation to compensate for the natural rocking motion of the scranus while underway but the overall design does nothing for the fact that more than half the rider's body weight is supported by just a few square inches of wedgie seat. The tilt-o-wedge is not going to be anymore comfortable than a traditional bike seat.

I too hope the teenager-on-my-roof-ah-wtf-I'll just-brake-sharply-see-there-he-goes guy gets bumraped in gaol and I don't care if that makes me a bad person. Hell, I'd do the job myself if that was my bag.

RoadQueen, is it a chair with an Accessory Penis or is it a penis with an Accessory Chair? For just under 5 pounds you can also buy the sex toy cleaner, which I would think is a wise investment, unless you have some already, in which case save that English money for something else.

Be wary of Commie Canuck trying to sell you Artisinal Mayo Penis Lube from one of Montreal's many fine "sexe" stores. it's probably just re-packaged Miracle Whip.

The vibrating bike seat comes with FREE BATTERIES, so you have THAT going for you, which is nice...

We promise not to ring your doorbell or phone you once these arrive, cuz' that wouldn't be nice. Enjoy your vroom-vroom time!

1. It is a chair penis accessory that I’m pretty sure I can use my ingenuity to convert to a saddle penis accessory. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

2. Commie Canuck is going to have a really hard sell to get me to purchase lube, no matter how artisanal. I have my own, but thanks for looking out for me, I know you’ve got my back.

3. I’m getting a pallet of batteries from Lowes just to be on the safe side, as I’m sure the ½ charged freebies won’t last long.

4. You can try to contact me, but once these come in and installation is complete, I doubt I’ll be able to respond to any attempts at communication, other than a strangled “aaaAAAAAAAHHHHhhhh….”

5. Just a thought, but do you think I could get a Kickstarter going to pay my bills while I um…experiment? I’m starting to think about a coast-to-coast trip and back via my bicycle and the longest fucking route I can find.

that namo seat looks sooooooo much like male genitalsalia. why did they have to put a little "head" on it.

and in the opening frame of that video...its like its about to give you a facial? that must be what its like to be on the other end of one of my much beloved facials.

thridly - does it seem like europe has a complete surplus of engineers? every average euro-guy/gal can seemingly whip something up in autocad and build some cycling product in their spare time. not that that is a good thing.

and what is up with that kids sweater? seriously. that is just so f'ing euro.

Dang Rode Queen you would not have to quit your day job just because you purchased a vibrating bike seat cover. You could probably easily bring it into your work space (assuming you work at a desk) and slap that puppy in your roll around chair with a USB adapter and type and squirt the hours away in cubicle pubicle bliss.

You should totally buy the pallet of batteries. You are a smart shopper. Those so-called freebies are always crap and you would hate to have the device stop in mid-AAAAAaaahhh.

Now that I think of it, if the toys are working as advertised, you either won't hear the doorbell/ringing phone or better yet, you WON'T CARE.

Kickstarter Kampaign needs to be disguised by portraying your, "Inner Journey" along with something ecological/environmental, like calling attention to the plight of the Road-Crossing Death Turtles of Leroy-fame, filming it of course, duh, and seeking corporate sponsorship. Perform live poetry at hip cafes along the way while strumming a ukelele. Oh yeah, and pretend that no one has ever ridden a bike across the country before. You would be the first, ever.

Remember to get a BOB trailer to haul The Chair and the pallet of batteries.

The Mrigi has a Yoni six fingers deep. Her body is delicate, with girlish aspect, soft and tender. Her head is small and well-proportioned; her bosom stands up well; her stomach is thin and drawn in; her thighs and Mons Veneris are fleshy, and her build below the hips is solid, whilst her arms from the shoulder downwards are large and rounded. Her hair is thick and curly; her eyes are black as the dark lotus-flower; her nostrils are fine; her cheeks and cars are large; her hands, feet, and lower lip are ruddy, and her fingers are straight. Her voice is that of the Kokila bird, and her gait the rolling of the elephant. She eats moderately, but is much addicted to the pleasure of love; she is affectionate but jealous, and she is active in mind when not subdued by her passions. Her Kama-salila has the pleasant perfume of the lotus-flower.

The Vadava or Ashvini numbers nine fingers depth. Her body is delicate; her arms are thick from the shoulders downwards; her breasts and hips are broad and fleshy, and her umbilical region is high-raised, but without protuberant stomach. Her hands and feet are red like flowers, and well-proportioned. Her head slopes forwards and is covered with long and straight hair; her forehead is retreating; her neck is long and much bent; her throat, eyes, and mouth are broad, and her eyes are like the petals of the dark lotus. She has a graceful walk, and she loves sleep and good living. Though choleric and versatile, she is affectionate to her husband; she does not easily arrive at the venereal spasm, and her Kama-salila is perfumed like the lotus.

The Karini has a Yoni twelve fingers in depth. Un clean in her person, she has large breasts; her nose, ears, and throat are long and thick; her cheeks are blown or expanded; her lips are long and bent outwards (bordes); her eyes are fierce and yellow-tinged; her face is broad; her hair is thick and somewhat blackish; her feet, hands, and arms are short and fat; and her teeth are large and sharp as a dog's. She is noisy when eating; her voice is hard and harsh; she is gluttonous in the extreme, and her joints crack with every movement. Of a wicked and utterly shameless disposition, she never hesitates to commit sin. Excited and disquieted by carnal desires, she is not easily satisfied, and requires congress unusually protracted. Her Kama-salila is very abundant, and it suggests the juice which flows from the elephant's temples.

Well, having lived in Berkeley for four years while at Cal, I can say the stop sign story is a non-story for the simple reason that nobody in that place follows any traffic laws. Red light running in SF/Oakland/Berkeley is de rigeur, and I think you have to show proof of how to do it to pass your drivers exam.

Yesterday, I skipped the first Citi Bike station you tried, also found that the second station you visited wasn't working, but apparently got the last bike in a working dock from the third station you visited.

Sorry.

In an effort to make it up to you, I sent you a picture my dog took earlier this afternoon while riding a Citi Bike to the DMV.

If it's any consolation, the DMV was turning folks away because its computers were down.

ANON 3:43, did you listen to the reporter's introduction. I think he said, basically, no one, including bicyclists, stops at stop signs in the Bay area. And what was interesting about this particular sign is that it is the only one in the area for bicyclists only. The reporter's, "People Behaving Badly" series of reports are excellent and available on Youtube.

Snob, if you call Citibikes, and tell them at which station you are, they might be able to 'reboot' the station that is not working. It takes 5 minutes at the most. I did it in Montreal, and it worked, if I remember correctly.....

I can't seem to post with an iPhone, so I missed out on the sex toy bicycle and workstation innuendo. After a look at the chair strap on, and a brief moment struggling with the concept of over- sharing, I feel so, so, ....... Inadequate. Unless of course it was doll house furniture. Thank you, I feel much better now.

Snobby, the way you find empty and inoperable bike stations, it sounds more like Bike Where? than Bike Share. Seems like other times you have the bike but no space left to dock it. Maybe it would be better if bike scalpers hung around so you could always get one if you were willing the pay the premium. Maybe some gypsy bike vending could spring up. I guess Citibike is like a box of chocolates. Walk, Snobby, Walk!

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!