Top 4 Guy Problems

Yeah ladies, we've got to deal with stuff too. Life ain't easy.

Women think we’ve got it easy; they think that all we do is ogle female genitalia whilst simultaneously scratching our own. Not true. We’re not just the procreating, lunkheaded rhinoceroses’ that we’re often pegged as. We’ve got problems just like the fairer sex, only we don’t get all over-sensitive and start writing about it. Oh, wait…

Here are the Top 4 “Guy Problems”.

Urinal Etiquette

When walking into a crowded public restroom there are multiple questions that you instantly ask yourself, the first being: “Where the f*** do I stand?” After awkwardly trying to position yourself as far away from the other penises as possible, it is then your duty as a man to pick a spot of the brick work opposing you, and then to keep your eyes fixated on that spot for the duration of your pee. Remember, if you look at anything else other than that brickwork, there is a chance that the man next to you will mistake you for a homosexual.

You must also consider your distance from the urinal: if you are standing too close, particularly if you are wearing light jeans, you will exit the restroom with unmistakeable flecks across your crotch. If anyone points it out you’ll say that it’s just water from the tap, but we all know the truth.

Lion King-ism

Lion King-ism is when a man finds himself upstaged by another man, so in order to win back his position as the dominant male he pushes his rival into a herd of stampeding wildebeest.

The stampeding wildebeest is a metaphor, of course (although if you are anywhere near East Africa then feel free to take it literally), but in your mind you need to usurp this superior being before he steals all of your friends, family and womanz.

If at any point you stop to consider that you desperately trying to outdo this individual may be indicative of your weak mind and fragile ego, look at it this way: dogs PISS to prove their dominance. As long as you don’t unzip your pants in the middle of the mall and start urinating in order to impress that girl you like, you’re still ahead of the curve.

Knowing too much

If you are a single man then chances are that most interactions you have with women will lead to you considering whether or not you should somehow try to cajole them into doing you. If you are in a relationship, however, you have inside knowledge of how a single mans mind works and are immediately wary of any that your girlfriend may come into contact with.

For instance, if her friend Gary from Math suggests that they should study, you know that he’s actually suggesting that she should put her hand down his pants. Likewise, if her old pal Steve calls her up and suggests that they should go for coffee to “catch up”, Steve’s actually suggesting that she join him in the backseat of his Ford Fiesta in Starbucks’ car park.

Unfortunately, telling her this will only result in her branding you “jealous” and insisting that “not every guy just wants to get into girls panties, y’know!” Oh darling, how we wish that were true…

Fashion

There was a time when men were perfectly comfortable with blending in. They would turn up to dinner parties in generic two-piece suits and be completely unfazed by playing second-fiddle to their glamorous wives.

But somewhere down the line a man decided that enough was enough, that the excessive grooming and expensive shoe shopping should no longer solely be the responsibility of the female, and that man set a precedent for the rest of us by having the gall to leave his house with a haircut the cost of 2 months’ rent. I presume this is how it happened anyway, though I must admit that I wasn’t there to witness it.

Unfortunately we still have the fashion sense of a 9-year-old, and at the drop of a hat would revert back to our “My Other Shirt Was At Alderaan” t-shirt. So what this essentially means is that we clumsily stumble into Abercrombie & Fitch/American Apparel, our wallet in one hand and our dignity in the other, hoping that we’ll eventually leave with something that people might mistake for style.