Gentrification at its pretentious best.

MELBOURNE HORROR: 4 Dead In Gelato Stampede

BREAKING: Roadblocks are now in place along Smith Street, Collingwood as forensic detectives from Victoria Police’s new Food Incident Response (FIR) team move in.

The Melbourne soft serve community is reeling from a horrific incident at a trendy gelato hotspot after what appears to be a stampede involving up to 70 people. The incident left 4 people dead, several more injured and an even larger amount unable to try two new flavours being released today.

Senior Sweet Specialist, Laudda Topping, gave a short statement at the scene:

“We’ve got members of the FIR in there now and we won’t know more until they’ve done a thorough investigation” When prompted for further details, she simply responded with, “I think you’re messina da point, it’s an ongoing investigation and we won’t make further comment on the matter.”

One witness, Glenn Twenny, who works at a nearby cleaning store, described the madness:

“I was polishing a sign nearby and I noticed a queue forming, so naturally I went and joined it. Once I found out it was for a new flavour of gelato, I got so excited. But as they went to open the doors, the crowd surged forward… I could barely breathe… and then people started climbing over each other. The staff were hitting people with brooms and people were screaming. It was so horrible. Like a scene from that zombie movie with Bradley Pitts in it.”

The venue is unlikely to be re-open anytime soon and are yet to issue a formal statement.

There was also no response to media enquiries relating to when more flavours will be announced.