how would you like to bite that ass, develop lockjaw, and be dragged to death?

carrera is carradine's girlfriend

carradine fights dirty and smokes cigarilloes between rounds

meets carrerapremature ejaculationplaying in the mud with the hosecleaning upstraightening up

friends getting shotturning to drinkcleaning up againmasterful ability to mask any and all emotions

baddies shot his dogthen shot his windowhe punches the ground/thought he was gonna perform CPR on the dogcleaning up againwith a beer in his hand

hooks up with the surviving cop and driving all over the dessert looking for god knows what?FBI 1"who the hell does that son of a bitch think he is?" FBI 2"that son of a bitch knows this country side better than you know the warts on your wife's ass" FBI 1 "well why don't we all just line up and kiss.his.ass"

extrasrunningpointingcycling

chuck sweating

ultimate humiliation.. carradine takes norris' badge "something to remember you by" before burying chuck's truck in a big hole with chuck alive in the drivers seat.

but wait, it's okay, they left the windows up so even though he's buried alive, he has oxygen and.. hey.. A BEER!!

he seems to have a real drinking problem tho as he pours the beer over hiself instead of drinking ithe starts his truck under all that earth and drives his way to freedom! what a legend!

he's a bit beat up but at least he's feeling well enough to drink the beer he's offered as he recovers from his busy nighthe's not happy though because he's a bit damaged and jump side kicks his porch over in frustration of not being able to shot his gun (metaphor by the way he's mooning over a photo of Carrera as he lies on his bed)

did i mention the midget?he's not a short person or a dwarf, he's a midget, an evil little suit-wearing/video game playing midget in a wheelchair.

but now Chuck gets really mad when he finds out that the baddies have taken little Sally, his fiesty teenage daughter. they're probably deflowering her as we speak!

so off to Meh-heh-cho he goes to get his baby back.

Chuck is so kind as to give a service station begger coins while girls put flowers on his truck and he's touched by the gesture but you wouldn't know that just by looking at him or anything. inside the service station is FBI agent 2, yeh, the good one, who seems to have survived the shootout earlier afterall.

they take an inventory of their weaponry to find it includes a crossbow. what luck? more luck arrives in the form of the limping deputy who's surviving all the gun play nicely so far thankyou.

so in scenes and wardrobe reminescent of vietnam movies, chuck finds the baddies hidout and scopes the security with his binocular. The fully train crossbowing FBI agent takes out said security and the rescuers move in close enough to see a braless carrera bring food across the compound to Little Sally.

Chuck and his bandana make it into his daughter and Carrera and takes time to have a wee pash in front of his daughter who may well be quite grossed out by her dad kissing some braless chick in meh heh cho.

then all hell breaks loose - every stunt and weapon in the book.. limping deputy seems to have found himself a rocket launcher and cliches meh heh chan mission explosionaries fill the air with dust and noise.

david carradine seems particularly gleeful working the machinegun atop the hasienda - being one of those baddie bosses who would never ask anyone to do anything they wouldn't do themselves. but chuck finds someone has left the keys in the bulldozer so seizes the opportunity just as carridine fines a hummer or tank or some other big fuck off truck and they go at it, head to head, like a cheap version of Sigorney vs Alien.

but wait.. really.. all we really want is for Karate vs Kung Fu, don't we? are they ever going to fight hand to hand, chop to chop? put down your gun chuck, put down your machine gun carradine, fight it out like the martial artists you are.

Chuck flips the extra large belt buckle and his weaponry drops to the groundcarradine kung fus up while wearing a golf sweatervincent price's organ soundtrack strats up and it's all onKung fu kicks almost all the shit out of Karate with a few dirty tricks to help along the wayLittle Sally tries to help but gets a swift backhand from kung fuand really finally pisses chuck off enough to let loosenot many round house kicks (if any)but more animated facial features than teh whole movie to date

kungfu cheats with the machine gun but carrera takes one for the teamas all good girl friends of brave me doshe dies in chucks arms with a death bed confession of how she loves him

how can chuck lose so muchhis friendhis doghis girl

but it ends wellas he leaves the midget in a red faced rageto an adoring publicto live happily ever afterwith his perky daughterand barely any memory of his hot girlfriendor his dead dawgand seems to have reconciled wiht his exwife