The world is not respectable; it is mortal, tormented, confused, deluded forever; but it is shot through with beauty, with love, with glints of courage and laughter; and in these, the spirit blooms timidly, and struggles to the light amid the thorns ~ George Santayana

Friday, March 15, 2013

A day harder than most...

“Here she is, all mine, trying her best to give me all she can. How could I ever hurt her? But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.” ― Haruki Murakami

Yesterday was Akif's due date. But Allah has other plans and I only have 2 days left to my confinement. And well...its hard.

And so today I was driving around running errands everywhere. Byk tertangguh dah sgt.

it was a good day yesterday..not too much patient..i sempat wanna do my own thing..hari smalam je ade dr perempuan..coz its my turn to locum there..so all the preggy lady will come for scans..all was ok..until the last patient that i scan..it was a picture that i know too well..fluid was everywhere..in the abdomen..the chest cavity..yes..it was the grave "hydrops fetalis"..instantly my eyes swells up..flash back of the last 8 months was playing in front of my eyes again..my late nephew akif....bonda ( thats what my nephew calls me) was there when me and mama first book u at kk kelana jaya..bonda was there when we realize something is wrong with you.and .since then bonda has never left your side..for every scan..for every follow up..bonda was there when you were fighting for your life..and saw you struggling to breathe..and bonda was there when you draw your last breathe..it was bonda who carried you in my arms ..from the NICU to the morgue..and held you until atok came for your burial..never did once bonda cried..because bonda need to be strong..strong for mama..strong for nenda..strong for atok..and strong for your brother airil..eventhough our encounter was brief..you have taught me a few things..that every single day..is a battle..and it is a battle that is worth fighting for..that we should fight until our last breath..you have remind me..that i should never give up..no matter how hard life becomes..rest in peace my nephew..i know that you are in a better place...

And my tears just started flowing. I know people say I am strong, but honestly I am not. I just try my best to be, what choice do I have?

Thank you family for reminding me you are always there when I felt most alone. Thank you Allah for the family I have in my life. Thank you Bonda, Nenda and Atuk. You guys are my ROCK. I would not have survived Akif's death and my other tribulations which I face right now without you. Thank you for sharing the burden, thank you for understanding my pain. Thank you for crying with me...

And my everything, Airiel. Thank you for being grown up and taking care of mama, thank you for wiping mama's tears, thank you for hugging mama when mama desperately need it, thank you for existing...this is LOVE.

Akif, finally mama knows what it means to be missing someone every day for the rest of mama's life....

Freedom for Palestine

If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen - Samuel Adams