It’s nice to be getting a bit of freedom back right now… but it reminds me how much I appreciate having the temporary pass for a while.

Because sometimes, it makes the difference between being able to take my teen to go see the movie she’d been begging to see for months (long before it came out), or making her wait until it’s on a dvd I can get from a machine.

Things went ok… they did have to add two procedures to the repair, but all went well and they got it taken care of.

First two days were seriously painful, but the pain meds have been handling it now.

But, the day of surgery started off seriously stressful.

Ok, well, yes, it would have been anyway, as I was nervous and hadn’t slept well.

But, to make it worse, my mom tells me two hours before that she has a headache and won’t be able to take me.

Really?

Normally I’d just take a cab, which was the backup plan for her flaking out on doctor visits and physical therapy, but they require the driver to stay on site the entire time, and to sign a thing assuming responsibility since being one day surgery, patients are still a bit looped out when they are released. I’d sort of expected to at least be able to rely on her for the day-of, if only to tell the doc all about her issues while she had a listening ear.

So, I’d texted my brother, even though things have been a bit drama filled there lately…. but my mom called and got my aunt to miss work instead. Which sort of surprised me, as my aunt had disowned the family until about a year and a half ago.

But, she told my aunt the wrong time.

We hadn’t known the exact time until the afternoon before, but I’d told her verbally, and via text, and via facebook message.

Which makes me feel like if she didn’t even remember the right time, she probably didn’t actually plan to go along in the first place.

So.. the only info I really have about what went on with the procedure or with doctor instructions is what was repeated to me by a 13 year old with adhd and no medical knowledge.

With all that I went through helping her with her back surgery and being up there during it and after even with having a job and a kid in tow… and heck, even missing work within two weeks of my surgery date to take her to the ER with a sinus infection…. and as many things as I’ve toughed through my migraines to get through… having a headache to sit in a small waiting room with only 3 other families was too much to ask of her I guess.

Ya know… sometimes I think I expect other people to act as I would… to act how I think other people would. I expect people to be reliable because I try to be reliable. I expect to be able to depend on people when I’m forced to when I’ve been dependable for those same people.

But sometimes, I just need to remember that people aren’t all cut of the same core.

I know better than to rely on her, as I’ve mentioned here in telling the story about spending my first night in labor alone when she also pulled a last minute welch-out.

But somehow… time fades that memory, and I get dumb enough to put myself in that position again.

I guess somewhere inside, I want to be able to trust and rely on someone who is my mother. I want to think she’s not going to pull that sort of thing again. I want to believe in her.

But it’s just not matching reality right now.

Having said that, even with the drama, my brother did tell me he would have come if he had needed to, and did also bring over his ice machine that night, and told me to let him know if I needed him to get anything or needed a ride if mom bailed on me again.

Even with the drama.

So at least he’s there. He generally resents it later… and sometimes looks down at needing it… but at least I know I have some sort of backup, even if it comes with strings attached.

I prefer not to need it, but if it’s all I’ve got, strings may be the price needing paid.

The pressure is starting to turn up on the surgery date getting close.

I’m suddenly feeling like there are so many things that I need to get done.

Most of which I don’t.

It’s not going to matter in the least bit if the kitchen is painted or not before surgery. But, I know that I won’t be able to do it for months afterwards due to the knee… which makes it feels like it needs done.

So many things feel urgent when I know that they aren’t.

And do I really need 3 extra things of deodorant? No. It’s only a few weeks before I’ll be able to drive again and use the dorky motorized cart in the stores. But… it feels like I needed to grab three. Eventually I’ll use all three… so I grab 3. And extra bottles of shampoo and conditioner even though I’m not likely to run out of either soon. Etc.

When you are about to have a baby, they call it nesting. Wonder if that applies pre-surgery too?