Weekend Warrior 9.28.13

Today is my Father’s Birthday and he, passed away for over a decade now, is not forgotten but Earl (and Beula) live on in me and my surviving siblings.

No issues existed between me and they at the times of their deaths and the only issues ever existing were created by others for whatever gain they possibly felt could be attained.

I loved Earl & Beula if only for their bringing me into a world and into a home filled with love and dirty little secrets. With honor and integrity I told the truth first and will never alter that position for anyone because of who these people were and the values that they instilled within me.

Earl & Beula may be gone but the legacy of these humans lives on with the vile and absolutely repugnant and replusive acts of David, Daniel and Carol, my surviving siblings in their hate and greed. Kevin found another path, A Road Less Traveled that created the vast differences between these petty and malicious creatures and the humans they once could’ve possibly attained.

Mom, Dad, Mike: Wherever you are you know the love, admiration and truth that I brought to life as the only path for Kevin.

David, the pedophile & alcoholic has never pulled himself upright and there is no hope at this point of that ever happening.

Daniel, self-involved, self-absorbed and sadistic is crippled within this life because of the guilt, the poor self-image, the inability to love honestly or extend himself beyond his petty world view to ever encompass a little brother who was looking for guidance and advice and found hostility and lies.

Carol, my parents’ “Joy” at the time of birth became parasite and leech as her only aspirations in life and for that, more than any other fact I have no sympathy or pity for her.

None of these primates are important enough in my life now to do anything but comprehend the formative reality that their presence in my life created as “family” that is ill.

I do not hear from them; I do not reach out to them; I grasp the toxic nature of the venom they spew and how they reinforce their poison.

Life, my life especially is too short for poison or the putrefied existence that is created when they have appeared in life.

To these primates I extend only sympathy and the knowledge of them through the acts they’ve taken and endorsed.

Just for a little levity here is one of my favorite John Barrowman performances of the Andrews family anthem.

The intellectual digestive process goes on within me today on levels that are humorous and with a clear understanding of the pain that founds that humor. The reality that helped to create Kevin as he exists today.

Kevin, the child, Kevin the adult, Kevin the responsible loving human is a result of the experiences of life and there is no denial of or from me for any of the experiences, the mistakes, the events that today live and breathe because of Kevin’s adhering to reality

The legal battles, the notifications, the responses are all working through my life and existence as a result of life on Tori Beach. Each and every time I come to a position of acceptance and faith another act appears and the confidence is again shattered and reassembled.

In this perpetual re-cycling circle I have come to a position of fluidity, an acceptance of the NOW but, for the life of me, I am unable to move past the poison of yesterday as it repeats. The clear process of diminishing returns from this endless cycle makes me hunger for a simple chamber, alone without the Milton-esque Paradise Lost & Paradise Found.

Lee and I have a better understanding and relationship as a result of the manipulation of others but I wonder again today as I was confronted with locked doors upon rising and the very real presence of the malignant one and the chemistry within our home. The demand, once again, that I modify my behavior at home to accommodate another’s issues and problems, address the “discomfort” of Jim, is rapidly dismissed by me, addressed to Lee and moved past to insure that Kevin is happy in the now.

Being treated as a valued human by Richard with dinner in Gulfport last night and the comfort of conversations in the Gardener’s Cottage has provided me the strength of will to continue on this path and Lee will either catch-up or not. Those are the options.

This is not a multiple guess kind of relationship or living situation. The evidence is clearly in place as Lee’s surprise over the 22 year-old, The Gypsies circling, the reality of Kevin’s life now being opened to him to correct the “assumptions” both he and his trick tou jour apparently have held has provided me with gratification and positive reinforcement on numerous levels in the here and now. The reality of Kevin is becoming glaringly apparent to Lee and between us the only demand is that Kevin be provided the same courtesy, privacy and respect that he has delivered in the here and now and in the past.

I have intentionally kept Lee from having knowledge of my past and of many of the events on Tori Beach that keep me enchanted with the place and fighting for her existence. The dream of Tori Beach is one that deserves life in the here and now because of the foundation on Love, acceptance, truth and freedom of the individual that is what Tori Beach is all about. I have disclosed now to Lee the full extent of who Kevin is and between Lee and me there exists an intellectual intimacy that I’ve not ever held with any other human. This is the relationship that I’ve desired in “My Friend Lee” and this is the relationship that provided the tools for torture of Kevin as experienced. With full disclosure comes even more freedom of the individual now and into the future. I have, to the best of my ability, repaired any damages I may have created and done my best to address newly created (or resurrections of old ones) as rapidly as they arise in forms that are heard and understood by Lee now. As for the “other:” I could care less about it. Yes I admit to having great personal satisfaction in the reality that I make it uncomfortable because of my recognition of who and what it is and directing that to the source.

Within my care-giver’s heart and soul I may have done a grave dis-service to Lee by withholding information but that now is repaired and the “feeling” within Lee, as he expressed, is hopefully fully satisfied. I do love my friend Lee and that will always be true regardless of what eventually becomes the resolution to life’s circumstances today.

I have become dependent upon Lee for this intellectual intimacy and honesty between us but I clearly understand the “familiarity breeds contempt” aspects of this today. I know what I experienced for my birthday. I know the poison, the vile and disgusting narcissistic acts and the absolute lies and fraud that arose from the mean-drunk and his borderline personality issues and have clearly warned Lee of the reality of addiction having only one relationship possible and that’s with the addictive substances of choice.

The Tori Beach Foundation is the result of this investigative journey into the world of Crystal Meth in St Pete, the exposure to the humans and primates controlled by the substance, trading their life now and future pleasures for the instant amplification of this chemical delivering 12 to 14 Times more pleasure to the brain’s pleasure center than sex or chocolate; all the while destroying the ability to feel pleasure, triggering paranoia, destroying brain tissues and creating black-outs or ancillary addictions like the alcohol, the sex, the other illegal substances in support and, perhaps the most damaging, the acceptance of primates into life to continue to fuel the drama required, the brain’s demand for similar chemical baths that rapidly become the anger, the rage, the discounts and denigration of anyone who is not within the life.

Let’s make no mistake about this now and for always; there is NO LIFE within the chemical addiction and destruction of this Crystal Meth. There are only illusions and fraud existing within the addiction.

I love my friend Lee and will not now or ever apologize for that to anyone. I do not love my Friend Lee being addicted to modern chemistry and I value his life enough to put up the good fight and confront the root of the issues.

One Response

I was looking through my archives. I found a post about the four agreements. There was a credit to this blog, since you told me about those agreements.http://chamblee54.wordpress.com/2012/10/03/rules-of-four/
Anyway, I clicked on the link, expecting to see another forgotten blog. To my surprise and delight I see that you are still in the game. Keep up the work, both good and bad. Drop by my place sometime. If the text is boring, you can always look at the pictures.http://chamblee54.wordpress.com/