Humpday blues

I wish I could say it is a great day. I wish I could be in good spirits. Usually I am even if things aren't going so great. I'm confused right now. Things with the difficult child and husband are looking better. We had a worker here yesterday to put supports into place for the family. (respite care, programs for difficult child, etc...) I should be elated with the outcome. I'm glad to have these things in place but yet I feel blech... Perhaps it is due to knowing that the strife is calming down and now my body can relax a little? Maybe it is just because I'm always the strong one and now that I don't have to worry quite so much, my body is saying enough? Who knows? All I know is that I feel very emotionally blech and there seems to be no real reason for it. I slept well and husband has been doing a lot better so not really on my case for anything. I should be on top of the world and I want to be... but I'm not. Is there something wrong with the wiring in my brain or is this normal? I just want to start crying for no real reason. Meanwhile, my back is giving me grief as it always does in the colder weather. I was injured in a vehicle accident about 7 yrs ago. When the weather gets cold, my back muscles go into spasms. Despite the fact that I love my job, I'm really tired of the shift work. It isn't too great for the family life or the back either for that matter. I have to work on the afternoon shift today and I'm not looking forward to that. Sometimes it just seems that despite the fact we have many people around us, we often feel very alone. I guess I just needed to vent. I'm sorry if I went on too long. Maybe I should just go back to bed and hopefully I will wake up in a better mood.

Thank you Beth. I am not normally all out of sorts but it seems to be happening a little more than I like lately. I really appreciate the hugs. Sometimes it is nice to know that someone out there cares even if it is in cyberspace.

When my son was at his very "best" I was at my very lowest. Everyone around me knew if something didn't happen soon I would be back in the hospital and this time "who knows". The stress was literally killing me.

I had dealt with stress before - tons of it. Bad marriage, rotten kid, being without 'comforts', making due. I mean I lived a life so stressful it's a wonder I survived. So why when difficult child was placed outside our home did I not jump for joy, or celebrate like a wild woman?

Part of me was waiting for him to come back home. I mean every placement or helper, psychologist, doctor over and over again, have thrown their hands up in the air and given up - then sent him back home to live with us and start the process all over again. So partly in the deepest recesses of my mind I was imagining that this was temporary.

Another reason that there was no elation, jumping through the air or leaping for flowers was a lot of times after we endure such terrible stress, when it's over our body simply does not know how to react. We live in a fight or flight state so much that when there IS NO STRESS - we can often be sad (believe it or not) OR create our OWN stressful situations to try to replace the stress our bodies feel we "should" be going through.

I became part of both groups. But when I started making my own trouble? I told my psychiatric I really thought I was nuts. He told me it's very normal. Loosing something even while bad in your life still leaves a void. That void can cause sadness.

Hope this makes sense - and I was told that I was NOT nuts. Just too stressed to cope with life. It's an adjustment period - in the mean time? Don't be too hard on yourself and find a positive thing to fill the time.