My Wedding Day

up until recently, thoughts of marriage
consumed me.
in my head i would plan my wedding while
the face of the groom would always be
blank
but my emotions would be so full…
longing, wanting, obsessing over
the details:
what my dress would look like,
my hairstyle,
holding back tears,
daddy walking me down the aisle.
i wanted this day so bad
that i refused to let my mind rest
on fantasies for too long
even though i knew exactly what song
would play for my first dance
with my husband.
my wedding day
was a moment that privately talked to me
in my idle mind
and yelled at me
each and every time
i found out that a peer of mine
was leaving the single life behind.
water filled my eyes and envy washed over me
and what overruled happiness for my friends
was jealousy.

but something has changed–
that desire i had now seems childish.
don’t get me wrong–
of course i still want this
fantasy, for prince charming
to sweep me off my feet
and to have the most beautiful ceremony.
but now in my maturity,
i realize,
recognize,
readjust my eyes
to see far away.
in my naivete, i equated marriage to justmy wedding day.
how easily i can give up 24 hours,
the breath to say memorized vows,
countless cheek-aching smiles
for flashing lights
but the thought of giving up
my life
makes me want to walk–
correction: RUN
the other way.
i still have more to accomplish today
so my focus is on tomorrow,
not dreams of yesterday
that no longer serve me.

so now when bouquets get thrown my way,
i clasp my fingers tight
and when handsome gents feed me with compliments,
i grasp my heart right.
this might be selfish but this just might be
the only time in my life i have
to focus on what
i
need.
lately i get choked up over goals,
dress for success instead of dates,
wish against love coming this way,
but if it happens, then hey…
maybe my girlhood wants will return
and maybe my heart will cool down
from the steam of getting burned
and maybe one day i will meet the man who will turn
my idea of marriage
into something truthful and new…
the joining of one
who used to be two.