Monday, February 26

SCHOOL CONFESSIONS[ ] Talked back to a teacher. *i'm a teacher's pet la....ok...jus some...*[ ] Been kicked out of class.[ ] Worn pajamas to school.[x] Had your tooth fall out at school. *woohoo... whack ppl sumore la... own tooth fall out!*[ ] Gotten lost in your school. *i'm nt tat sesat k?*[x] Broken the dress code in school.[ ] Completely failed a test. *never!!!!*[x] Left class without asking.[x] Missed a whole week of school. *uh huh...competition...my arse...*[x] Thrown up in school. *sick wert...!!!*[ ] Been beat up at school. *akakka... more like beat up ppl...*

HOME LIFE CONFESSIONS[x] Argue with your parents a lot. *make it stop...please...*[x] Argue with your brother(s) a lot. *used to.*[x] Argue with your sister(s) a lot. *without the fights...its a quiet household!*[ ] Have your own room. * i wish....toilet ka?*[x] Do your own laundry *blue moon... but sometimes*[ ] Cook dinner once in a while. *unless i wanna kill myself...maggie count a?*[x] Are loud and obnoxious at home. *when am i not?*[x] Wear pyjamas when you are not going anywhere. *ekekke...its either tat or i dun wear anything!*[ ] You sleep in very long. *eh? whaaa?*[x] All you do is watch television. *holiiiiidaaaysssssss*[ ] Your parents are divorced.[x] your family makes you cry alot. *they still do! ish... i'm like a waterbag!~*[ ] One or both of your grandparents live with you. * i really really really wish*[ ] You can't stand being with your parents *they're alright la...*

FRIEND CONFESSIONS[x] You currently dislike one or more of your friends. *what??!? i cant make everyone like me either!!*[x] You are jealous of one or more of your friends. *all u skinny, pretty ppl! watch out!!*[ ] You have known a friend your whole life. *i technically do not havea fren i've known for 19 years....*[ ] Your friends are all taller than you. *HAHA HAHA not the shortest.....yet!!*[x] You have been ditched by a friend. *too many times to count...wats new?*[x] You have memorized a friends phone number. *yupyup!! cartoons hotline!! and a certain someone too!*[x] You have lost/forgotten a friends phone number. *lost me phone ma...*[ ] You have been to all of your friends houses.[x]you love most of your friends. *keyword--MOST!!! i love ya!!*

HABIT CONFESSIONS[x] You bite your nails. *erm...i nibble??!!!*[x] You have an odd obsession with knives. *muauaahahhaha... i actually secretly do....*[ ] You cannot sleep with the door closed. *eh?*[ ] You cannot sleep with the door open. *i sleep ANYway la!!!!*[x] There is at least one sound you cannot stand. *mommy!!!*[x] You write stories about mad cannibalistic serial killers *rapists, killers....yeah...abit...*[x] You are good at telling lies *not really proud of it... but i can!!! i can even throw in a tear or two!!*

LOVE CONFESSIONS[x]You currently like someone. *LIKE ey... so many la.....*[ ] You want to kill one of your exes. *whoa.... no la.....*[----]You can stay commited for an unusually long time. *erm........... usually no.... but i'm currently hooked on him for 7months!!! *[----] You get bored of your crush/bf/gfeasily. *use to.... erm....we'll see....*[ ] A crush/bf/gf has called you a bitch before. *i'm actually stil talking to my ex's wo...they're alright*[ ] A crush/bf/gf has called youself-centered before.

PERSONAL OPINION CONFESSIONS[ ] You hate George Bush. *erm..... nthg to do wit me.....*[x] Abortion is horrible and should be illegal.*HELL YEA!!!!*[x] Gay marriage is fine by you. *go gays!!! *[ ] Boys make better friends than girls do. *wats the diff...? when they're the good ones, it doesnt matter!*[x] The beach is an excellent place for a date. *whhhhaaat?? romantic werrt!!! i like the sea!! sue me!*[ ] Pink is an ugly color. *ugly eh??? tempted to cross it... BUT.... i jus dun like it la...doesnt mean its fugly*[x] Needles aren't so horrible. *they're actually pretty interesting....*[ ] Human flesh tastes like fine aged veal *uegh... i cant even stand pig's insides!!*[x]You have plenty of secrets. *silly dumbo ones....*

HAVE YOU EVER CONFESSIONS[ ] Fallen up the stairs. *how can u fall UP the stairs? i tot down??*[x] Someone has tied your shoelaces together. *the culprit had his shoelace tied to his freaking face after tat!!*[x] Had a nail fall off. *climb trees la!!!*[ ] Captured, Manipulated, or Destroyed a soul by Ars Falcis *who?? whaaa??*[x] Had surgery *er..... the teeth thingy count a?? MINOR wan la....*[x] Slapped someone across the face. *uh huh... dun make me do it again*[ ] Killed someone. *muahahahahhaha.................no*[x] Someone has called you a tease. *tell me bout it*[ ] You have been to Europe. *wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish*[x] You have worn something inside outfor a whole day *dumbo me!!*

Sunday, February 18

last night was chinese new years eve. woke up early... helped outdoin the chores... uncles n aunties coming down to klang for reuniondinner.... i came down the stairs and i see yehyeh sittin in the hall....as usual, he was reading the newspapers....

"yehyeh!!! " i called cheerfully. he smiled....

it felt odd... jus calling yehyeh... normally i would come down... call yehyeh as he would be sitting at his usual place at the reclining chair with his back facing the main door... and i would turn jus a little and call amah as u would always be sitting on our couch...

then it hit me....this would be our 1st new year celebration witout u....

then in the evening... the uncles and aunties came... we were happy...it was a little bit more quiet then usual... but it was "owhkay"... denmy eldest sis brought our family's latest addition-ethan, my nephew....den it was noisier. they laughed. he giggled. it was all well... soon 12o'clock came near, and we could hear the firecrackers and fireworksoutside... the kids ran out to watch beautiful display.....we use to putout firecrackers too. not one. not two. we would tie 3-4 continouslyand light them up. few years b4 tat, we even bought the whole boxthat sends firworks to the dark blue sky.

now... we jus watch... parhaps the law did scare us a little. perhapsnot. mayb we jus werent in the mood for new years after all. maybthe econimy aint tat good this year. mayb we're jus "kiamsiap"...mayb we jus miss u alot. i dunno.

i rmb when we were kids, and we use to play fireworks outside. theyounger ones would play "pop pop!" while the older one like mybrother would play stuff like "bumble bee" n those that can fly alittle... and you would always be there. even tho u had asthma... u would stay wit us kids... u would chuckle when one of the small ones gt scared of the misfired firecrackers... u would smile at the effort my three year old cousin use to squish the tiny "pop pop!" ....u always love chinese new year... u love it when all our relativescome home, when ur sons and daughters all come back... when urgrandchildren children all gather in the same place... how welaughed n we talked.... and even tho we'll chat till 2am cometimes...

u would stay awake as long as u can no matter how tired u are.... jus to join in the fun.... we would talk about my frens and families...things we heared... things tat happened... and every year, u andyehyeh would talk about frens in ur circle tat passed... n there'rewould always be a moment of silence in the circle as we all hopedn prayed for their loved ones... we would talk bout tat teacher whogt cancer... and that kind hearted lady who was sent to the elderlyhome.. we would talk about tat uncle who bang his head on thecupboard n passed....

this year... we talked about u... amah... all the little small things u did for us... how u collect egg shells to make jelly for us... how u liked ur rice hard n nt soggy... how we named the soup spoon as "amah spoon" ... how u would stich our teddy's eyes wit matching buttons... how u would scold us when we gamble... how happy u would be if u lived to see ur great grand children- ryan and ethan...ur great grand sons... how u would be us brand new night gownsevery year... even for me n my sisters... we're 17 and in our twenties... yet every year, we would still have hello kitties and winnie the pooh night gowns.... sometimes, we would receive matching pyjamas wit little cows or little pigs printed on the outside....

i went to bed crying last night...i cried myself to sleep....i went to bed last night and i ushered in the new years with mypillow drenched in tears and with no new night gowns.

i woke up this morning with swollen eyes... i purposely put on makeup to cover them up. happy chinese new years ppl! we changedand we went down stairs... as usual, there yehyeh was, sitting athis reclining chair....

"yehyeh!! gong xi fa cai!!" we called... he smiled..."guai lo.... this year must smile wan a... my granddaughters lookvery pretty when they smile..." he replied...

it was odd as he said that to every single member of our familymember this year... jus as we were preparing for the usual teaceremony... we brought out the tea, but this time yehyeh didnot want to accept them... he said tat amah is gone now, andtheres no more need to follow these traditions.... we jus keptquiet...

its ironic isnt it? how yehyeh wanted us to be happy but in the end he had to bottle up his sorrow and depression... we could all see tat he's tired... n he misses u... the thing is... so did we...

its been more than a year... yet... it seemed like it was jus yesterday... its hard... goin thru new years this time around... all around me, everywhere we go... we can hear the chinese new year songs... "dong do long dong chiang".... "gong xi gong xi gong xi ni ya!!".... yet, with all the havoc outside... in my heart, its another tune tats been playing all the while... a somewhat slow and melancholic tuned... and with tat tune comes a slideshow playing back the past... every single moment i spent wit u... its been playing back... and every time it does... i wished i had more... i sickens me to find tat my memory wit you is so limited... and it hurts even more to find tat in these captured moments, i've hurt u n dissapointed u so many times... how i would yell and pout when u rushed me to go to school... how i would frown at u when u grumble me to do my homework when i was in primary... how i delayed n postponed my driving tests so many times jus because i was busy... and until the end i missed out my chance of ever driving you arounf town... so many things goin thru my mind right now... sorrow, regrets, sadness, depressed... teacher said tat i should learn to let go... to rmb you of ur kindness and the good that you've done to us... i do.. i do think of ur kindness because there's no evil or bad side at all... u've always been sacrificing for us... how u've always been trifty and you would save money for our education.... how you always wanted us (the grand daughters) to have a career... how u always said tat ur blessed because all ur grandchildren can study... how ur always so proud when my sisters, cousins and i get good results... how u told us tat we would make our family proud... how u always wanted us to

work... and contribute to the society...

i am... and i will... i promise... watever u wanted me to do... watever u hope for us to succeed... it will happen as we are striving towards it...

Friday, February 16

its finally over! after gruelling hours, sleepless nights, tired eyes, sore eyes, shaking hands.my life for the past few days was on the floor. i sleep, eat, do my work on the floor near thecomputer table.

its finally over and done with. good bye semester 2 with FIVE subjects and say hello tosemester3 with so far only 2 subjects!!!

Friday, February 9

finals is nex week.... and everything has to be done by wed.aM3 cxame tday.... the usual... she did her stuff... she passed up.and she left.... even BT finished most of her work....

i dunno...its complicated...the stuff running in my brains....thoughts which i cant control....the past which i can never change...

wat am i suppose to do?wat can i do when i'm popping painkillers every 4 hours...?wat can i do when i find myself being pushed aside?wat can i do when i find myself being useless...?total incompetence...useless...

i cant sit up straight for more than 3 hours...i need 7 hours to finish one assignment...emotions n feelings? i dunno... they dun matter much anymore....i dunno if i gotta retake my drawing concept...i'm nt sure if i'm gonna finish my graphic design...

i find myself being numb....

and ppl tell me they're depressed....i wanted to shout back... "try me"...if i couldn'y make it this time...if i couldnt pull thru....

Wednesday, February 7

i was tired...i woke up at 5am...i was having fever n a massive headache...it was a long day....i was driving back home...food bazaar was tiring....preparing the food in the morning was worst....it was 4.30pm...everything was done.....settled.i was driving back on the highway....it was a very hot afternoon....the sun was in my eyes.....the radio was on sooooo loud......it was "moneymaker" by ludachris n pharrel...i was at the middle lane....i was following a kia carens......and there was a wira behind me....the speed limit was 80km/j....i was at the middle lane....i was driving around 80...90...80....then i can hear this lorry speeding near....it was a treler....he was fast....he tried to cut into the middle lane....the wira behind me cut out n fled....the carens in front of me picked up speed n fled....i was left there....he was inching nearer....and nearer....i cut out to the third lane....apparently the treler din stop at the middle lane...he wanted to get to the fast lane....i couldnt go any faster....he's getting nearer....closer n closer...i inched to wards the right....hit my accelerator to the max....i was goin at 130 edi...the treler was barely inches from me....i tried slowing down so that the treler could cut my way....100....85.....80........then there was a "bump"....and a loud crash....my stearing lost control...i hit the devider.....my car went on top of it....i tried pulling back the wheels ....i could see the cars from the opposite side...i knew i couldnt risk goin to the opposite....i pulled my stearing to the left....with all the might i have....the car came back down ....it landed on my left tires.....i tot the car was gonna flip....i screamed......................................................and it caught back its balance.... the right side landed on the floor....i was hurled to the left...my head hit the window....and i sat there...speechless....i slowly moved my car to the left side of the lane....switched on the hazzard lights....my shoulders ached....my head bruised.....i opened the door....it wouldnt bundge.....so i crawled to the passenger side....i opened the door...and i couldnt recognise my car....the front was beyond recognition....the front right tires and rimm was banged up...the front left was flat....so was the back right....the car was crooked...the doors couldnt work....i took out my phone...."daddy.... i hit the devider..."

the rest was a blurr as i sat in my dad's car....the tow truck came....kancil went to the mechanic....i din say a word...

..............................

i reached home...and i went upstairs....locked the door n i sat in the corner of my room....tat few seconds played back in my brain....again n again...i could've jus died.....tears came....i couldnt stop dem...i was scared....i was hurt....scratches n cruises.....i cried....the day is dark now...so is my room....i couldn't help it....i need to let it out.....

Tuesday, February 6

You're romantic, sentimental, and emotional.You tend to fall in (and out of) love very quickly.Some may call you fickle, but you can't help where your emotions take you.You've definitely broken a few hearts, but you're not a heartbreaker by nature.Your intentions are always good, even if they change with the wind