Thursday, August 10, 2017

North or South? The Fast Food Decides

After centuries of causing untold misery around the world the British have finally struck on a way to settle territorial disputes in a fair and disinterested manner.

It's called the 'Fast Food Method'.

Let me explain ...

In recent years British geographers have discovered that most geopolitical issues can be solved by plotting the geographical distribution and density of fast food restaurants. For example, in How to know if where you live is “up and coming” heat maps of coffee & fried chicken shops were used to identify geographical areas which are undergoing gentrification in the UK. Similarly in Fast Food England the density of fast food restaurants was used to determine which areas of the country are economically deprived.

After the fast food method proved its efficiency in these two studies it was decided that it should also be used to settle England's longest unsolved territorial dispute - the border between North & South. For centuries unfortunate 'midlanders' have been mocked by southerners for being Northern and teased by northerners for being Southern. They need suffer no longer.

We all know that northerners love their Greggs pies. This means that there are far more Greggs bakeries in the north of the country than there are in the south. It also means that you can determine if a location is in the north or south of England by looking at the number of people per each Greggs bakery. 25,000 people per Greggs is the Tab's benchmark. If a town has less than 25,000 inhabitants per Greggs then it is in in the north. More than that and the town is in the south.

Using this methodology the Tab has drawn a dividing line across the UK.