This has become the new “How’s it going?” or “How about that weather?” and it’s awful.

If you’re anything like me, this question leaves you feeling sized-up and minimized. It’s as if the asker is thinking to herself, “I’m out of here if she doesn’t fit my predetermined criteria of what is interesting.”

So, you struggle to answer, not even sure if the asker cares in the first place, or if it’s just small talk.

Why does it have to be like this? And why do we care so much about what someone does, anyway? Hopefully, we respect ourselves enough to know that we are dynamic people who can’t be described adequately in one sentence. We also know that we can’t get someone to feel invested in us, or our work, in a quick transactional conversation.

Isn’t there a better way? Yes, but you may have to break a few norms to bust up the status quo to really get to know someone.

Here’s a list of some better icebreaker questions to consider. I’ve broken them into mild, medium and hot so you can go deeper as your palate allows.

Play with what works for you in various environments and points in a conversation. A ‘hot’ one is typically best if reserved until after you’ve warmed someone up a bit, so they feel comfortable enough to open up. Some environments create this intimacy quickly, in which case you can dive right in.

And sometimes, a great precursor to any question is simply to admit that you’re over surface-level conversation and really want to learn what makes this person tick. So, might they mind your asking some untraditional questions, and speaking more authentically?

With that, here are 55 questions you might want to try:

Mild:

Any upcoming travel plans?

What brought you here?

How do you two know each other?

When you're not working, how do you like to spend your time?

What are you reading currently?

What’s the first concert you attended?

Where do you most hope to visit?

What’s your favorite book?

What's your favorite 90’s show?

What's the best Halloween costume you've ever had?

What's your dream job?

What's your favorite word?

What was your first job?

What's one thing you're excited about that's coming up in 2018?

What was the worst job you've ever had?

What is your most-used emoji?

If you could win an Olympic medal for any sport, real or fake, what would it be?

If you could change your name, what would it be?

What movie or TV show title best describes your week?

What was your favorite subject in school?

What’s your hidden talent?

If you had to eat one thing for every meal going forward, what would you eat?

If someone were to play you in a movie, who would you want it to be?

Medium:

If you could spend a day in someone else’s shoes, whose would they be? Why?

It takes time to build a relationship. The initial interaction should be used to find some chemistry and build rapport. If you can spark curiosity in getting to know you more, you've succeeded. Choose any of these questions to have in mind for your next interactions, and see what feels authentic to you in kickstarting new relationships.

Most importantly, don’t attack someone with questions. When you ask, deeply listen. Any questions that come after should be a natural follow up to their response. These are helpful primers, but follow the course that the conversation takes.

And then, you will eventually get to know what someone does. No need to lead with it. Ideally, it will uncover itself as you get to know what really matters to your new friend.

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