Friday, April 9, 2010

Application submitted to our group

We just got a message from a woman who lives across the country from our great state. She wants to join our VOLUNTEER EMS group. She wanted to know if we would pay for her travel expenses and lodging. Here is my reply (the names have been changed to protect the ignorant):

Dear Ma'am

We at the Medical Rescue Team are very greatful for your application. Normally we do pay for travel and lodging expenses. Our current transportation contractor runs private Learjets out of Scottsdale Municipal Airport. Flights are scheduled at your convenience and you will find a fully stocked bar and enjoy in cabin wireless internet and television. A meal will be provided. This month is our surf and turf special. A 20 ounce prime rib with a fresh Maine Lobster with a fully stocked Oyster bar. Our aircraft is also equipped with a stage and brass pole. We normally provide dancers for in flight entertainment. But seeing as how you are a woman, we aren't able to provide entertainment. Our male dancing service is currently in a contract dispute. However if you are into women we may be able to work something out.

Our lodging is at the "Expensive hotel" in "Here". It is in the heart of the city and near the clubs and shopping. Will provide a car and driver in order to make your transportation as effortless as possible. The hotel is a five star resort with excellent dining options. If that doesn't meet your lodging needs we will gladly put move your accomidations to the "More expensive hotel". We also offer spa services. Nothing feels better after a day of sweating your sack off in 122 degree heat, dealing with the best drunks that "Insert recreational area of choice here" has to offer, than a massage and facial. After all hard work in the desert is no reason to let your pores get clogged.

When you show up to your job site, you will be met with your service vehicle. We are currently using Hummer H1's outfitted with LED warning lights, 200 Watt sirens, turbo chargers, F.L.I.R., and a full set of ALS equipment. We use computerized charting and wirelessly transmit the data to responding transport units and the hospital. All of your equipment will be provided free of charge, and you will have 2 assistants on scene.

We at the Medical Rescue Team eagerly await your arrival. And welcome to the team.

SincerelyMe.

In order to protect the environment this e-mail was created using 100% post-consumer recycled electrons.