#AskPlayboy: Jenny Mollen on Tit Guys

By Jenny MollenMarch 25, 2013

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<p>Jenny Mollen has had enough of your additude tit guy.<br></p>

Q: My girlfriend has a big ass. It makes Kim Kardashian’s look like fucking amateur hour. My problem with this is I’m a tit guy. When we first started dating, she had been going to the gym a lot and had just lost a ton of weight, but now, while she’s still a shadow of what she had been before, she has not toned her ass at all. It’s like because we’ve been dating for so long it doesn’t really matter anymore. So, thinking I was doing her a favor, I got her a free year at a high-end pilates and yoga studio downtown for Valentine’s Day. Needless to say, she flipped. I’ve always been really open about what I like in a woman’s physical qualities, so I don’t really know why she was not happy about this. I reasoned with her, explained to her my needs and she still wouldn’t have it. Seriously, this set me back like two grand and I didn’t even get a sympathy fuck. What’s going on here?

A: I mean, I fucking hate you. You are a tit guy? What the fuck does that even mean? I want to know what you look like, and then I want to know why the fuck you even have someone who WANTS to spend Valentine’s day with you. You’ve always been open about what you like in a woman when it comes to physical qualities? BAHAHAHAH! I can’t even believe people like you are real. The fact that you are so hung up on what is happening with HER body tells me a few things. One: that you have a needle dick, two: that you hate yourself and live in constant fear of what others think, and three: that you are still searching for your father’s approval, which you probably will never get because I’m guessing he’s a chauvinistic fuck as well.

My advice is actually for the masochistic girl who’s even still listening to your mouth move: Your boyfriend is an asshole and you need to break up with him immediately if not sooner. He is projecting his bullshit neurosis onto you and it’s abusive. Let this idiot “sympathy fuck” his hand and move on with your life. PS: Try dating a black guy.

Read more of Jenny’s Columns here.
Jenny
Mollen is a writer, actress and all-around gorgeous sassy badass who
lives in L.A. with her dog Teets and husband Jason Biggs. She writes
about her life on TheSmokingJacket.com in her highly popular column What She Said. Follow her on Twitter at @JennyAndTeets and on Instagram at JennyAndTeets2.