- and just in time for Labor Day weekend

In any case, my colleagues fared substantially worse than I, even though they weren't over the legal limit. Not surprisingly, I did horribly on the HGN exam. On the plus side, Laroue said none of us smelled strongly of alcohol.

The Intoxilyzer worked -- or didn't work, depending on your perspective -- exactly as billed. Bread registered a .05 when Laroue put a slice in his mouth, but the machine, which is supposed to signal the presence of alcohol in the mouth, rang an alarm. The alarm remained silent, however, when he put Scope in his mouth. According to the machine, this perfectly sober person had a blood-alcohol level of .46, enough to kill most people.

All this looked like convincing stuff for a jury, but no one wants their case to get that far. Better not to get pulled over in the first place and better to fool the cops if you do. I came away convinced a drunkard really does have a chance. All I need is a bit more practice. No more quarters -- instead of traditional drinking games, I'm switching to field sobriety tests: The last one left standing on one leg wins.

Jeff Newton

Looking like this might get you out of a field sobriety test.

Jeff Newton

"In Arizona, you'll pay a higher fine for drunken driving than you will for running over someone on a bicycle, even if the cyclist dies."