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... This last time, he was angry with me, called me and was verbally abusive and very cruel. This lasted for more than a month, when every time we communicated, he called me names and was extraordinarily cruel to me.

Uh...whut? Why are you still with this person? That is never acceptable in a healthy relationship.

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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.

I don't know who he is anymore. And yet I still want things to be better. This is so confusing and agonizing.

First things first, you need to accept that you can't change another person. All you can change is yourself.

It's not uncommon for people to say one thing at the beginning of a new relationship, and then throw that all out when they think they've "got you." Then they pull all kinds of manipulative bullshit to keep you around, letting their true colours show.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

Uh...whut? Why are you still with this person? That is never acceptable in a healthy relationship.

Diddo. Add that to his sexual behaviour, which basically amounts to another form of abuse (endangering your health), and this guy has got to go.

Two years of loving and trusting someone and this is how it ends...I'm shattered. I don't even know what to do with myself. I am utterly miserable.

I feel like I never want to do this again. I feel abandoned and expendable. Every time I am unoccupied for more than a few minutes, I start crying. I fight waking up in the morning because I don't want to feel or experience any of this.

I just keep wondering if I was overreacting to the whole HSV thing, but the fact that he broke boundaries and violated my consent is a huge red flag. As is the fact that while things were going badly with us, he pushed me aside to concentrate on someone new and was not conscious of health and safety issues. I just can't forget him saying that I MADE him choose between me and the other person. I don't think that I did. I feel like he has jettisoned a long-term relationship for something new. This is so devastating.

Then my partner did, twice in the space of a few months, and violated my consent by having unprotected sexual contact with someone who has an STI and then having sex with me without informing me of this.

It is very upsetting to me that people can 1. agree to boundaries for reasons of sexual health and safety and 2. regularly and arbitrarily break them.

I just keep wondering if I was overreacting to the whole HSV thing, but the fact that he broke boundaries and violated my consent is a huge red flag. As is the fact that while things were going badly with us, he pushed me aside to concentrate on someone new and was not conscious of health and safety issues. I just can't forget him saying that I MADE him choose between me and the other person. I don't think that I did. I feel like he has jettisoned a long-term relationship for something new. This is so devastating.

It's not a red flag that you and he had different risk tolerances for HSV exposure. People do vary greatly in what risks they will take, what risks they absolutely not take and the area in-between.

However, he didn't come talk to you about the differences and fucked around instead without checking in with you about this person, situation, etc. That's the waving red flag along with all the other stuff noted above.

You didn't make him 'choose' between you and the other person. You let him know your boundaries and he chose not to respect them. That's the choice he made, not between her and you. He choose to be a lesser person than he could have been. That's the underlying choice made.

And manipulative people will often pull this bullshit so they feel better about themselves - they 'had to' because of so and so, and now it's not really their issue. Thus there is nothing wrong with him because, you 'made' him do it. This lets him get away with refusing to examine his own behavior. Don't take that on. It is not true and real from what you described here.