Mean Kids

Teaching our children that cruelty and unkindness will not be tolerated.

The voice on the line was insistent. Though we had never met, she asked that I tell her story.

“I was sitting in synagogue on Yom Kippur, and behind me was sitting two little girls, around eight years old. I caught some snippets of their conversation and finally couldn’t hold myself back.

“Do you know Sarah?”

“Her? Ugh, I hate her!”

“I hate her too!”

On and on they went, tearing this little girl apart.

I turned around and said to them, “Girls, you are talking lashon harah and gossiping about somebody, hurting her, in synagogue! Don’t you feel badly?”

The girls didn’t even pause to think.

“No,” they laughed. “It’s fun”.

And then one girl’s mother turned toward me and glared, as if to say, how dare you start up with my daughter!

On Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, we stand trembling before God, asking for forgiveness and a chance to start again. How can our children sit there and miss the message? Where did we go wrong?

I cannot begin to describe to you the calls and emails I have received through the years from parents in tears, as they describe the meanness that their children faced. From the five-year-old who had to change schools because she could not get one other child to join her for a play date, to the 13-year-old who cried himself to sleep because no one wanted to room with him on the eighth grade graduation trip.

For a holiday gift, her daughter asked if she could find her a friend.

A mother emailed me and told me that for a holiday gift, her daughter asked if she could find her a friend. It seems that her classmates decided that she was a ‘loser’ and when she sat down at the lunch table the girls who were sitting there got up and left, even those who had once been her closest friends. Both mother and daughter are broken hearted.

Causes of Destruction

“Why was the First Temple destroyed? Because during its period there were three sins: idolatry, immorality, and bloodshed...But the Second Temple-we know that they studied Torah, performed the commandments, and did kind deeds-why was it destroyed? Because there was purposeless hatred among them.” (Tamlud, Yoma 9b)

During the time of the First Temple in Jerusalem, holiness and prophecy were found everywhere. You could actually see miracles manifested before your eyes. During the Second Temple there was no prophecy and no Holy Ark in the Temple, but the strength of our people was seen in our unity. We cared for each other. We cried for one another. It was when we reached the new low of petty bickering, humiliating and eventually even hating one another that we forfeited our Divine grace. Our oneness was lost and our magnificent Temple was destroyed.

Our Sages teach us that by loving one another again we have the power bring redemption and see the Temple rebuilt in our times. Until then, we have faced persecution, inquisition, Holocaust, and deep anti-Semitism as we’ve been exiled throughout the four corners of the earth. Perhaps being subject to the hatred of others would inspire us to once again be kind and compassionate toward each other. Maybe we would finally learn to cherish our brothers and sisters.

“Sometimes I ask myself if Hitler wasn’t right when he wanted to finish with that race, through the famous holocaust, because if there are people that are harmful to this country, they are Jews, the Israelites”
David Romero Ellner, Executive Director, Radio Globo, Honduras, Sept. 25, 2009.

This is not an ugly quote from years ago; this anti-Semitic rant is from this past September. Mr. Ellner has joined Hugo Chavez and deposed president Manuel Zelaya in targeting the Jews. Mr. Chavez has allied himself with Iran’s dictator, Ahmadinejad, as he hosts Hezbollah terrorists and seeks Iranian help in becoming a nuclear power. As we face venomous hatred and threats from leaders in Iran, news comes of brutal anti-Semitic attacks throughout Europe.

Why hate each other when we meet with so much hatred in the world? What a great tragedy!

Create Compassionate Kids

It is time for us to teach our children that cruelty and unkindness will not be tolerated. Even if a child is not your friend, or ‘not your type,’ and “no one else is inviting her/him, anyway,” YOU must be kind. We are one people. There is no room for meanness in our lives.

We are one people. There is no room for meanness in our lives.

It is vital for parents to pay attention to our children’s character traits and ask ourselves these questions:

*How does my child play and interact with other kids?
*Does my child use hurtful words and sarcastic put downs easily?
*Does my child know how to apologize if (s)he hurt others?
*Does my child react compassionately if someone is hurt?
*Is my child often involved in bickering and conflicts?

Recognizing our children’s character flaws is the first step toward creating compassionate children. If we are able to pinpoint the areas of weakness, we can then work on strengthening and building.

When your child has a birthday party or Bar/Bat Mitzvah, do not allow the ‘kids who no one likes’ to be left out. That’s mean. When your child is invited to a party of an unpopular classmate, be sure that he attends. I know children who were crushed, waiting hours anxiously by the door, as their parties were ignored.

We have come to measure our children through their success on and off the field, their popularity, and their grades. If they do well then we believe that we are raising successful children.

We are wrong.

Children who are mean and unkind are not being raised successfully no matter how popular they are; or how incredible their straight A report card seems.

We can demand more from our children. We need to stop making excuses, stop blaming those who tell us that they have been hurt by our child.

Our children are capable of great kindness. Let’s take a stand together and teach our children that through caring about one another we can rebuild our Temple brick by brick, one kindness at a time, and eventually we can change the world.

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About the Author

Slovie Jungreis-Wolff is a freelance writer, and a relationships and parenting instructor. She is the daughter of Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, founder of Hineni International. Slovie has taught Hineni Young Couples and Parenting classes for more than 15 years. Her book, Raising A Child With Soul, is published by St. Martin's Press.

Visitor Comments: 35

(31)
Anonymous,
October 9, 2013 8:22 PM

Powerful

I a child I was picked on because we were poor and I wore hand-me-downs. As an adult I raised a "popular" daughter but I never forgot the hurt and scars I endured as a child. I taught my daughter at 6 yrs of age if she befriends the poorest little girl in her class...that no one wants to talk to or invite to parties and she defends this little girl, then I told my daughter that this little girl would never forget her and they would remain dear friends their entire life. My daughter is almost 30 years old BUT to this day,though the two girls live in different states, they REMAIN best friends!

(30)
Dana Klein,
August 13, 2013 3:02 PM

So very relavent

I appreciated this article lashon harah is a grevious sin. It is hard to imagine that the mother in the synagogue reacted this way. If we are to heal the world it cannot be done by being a cancer.

sharon,
October 14, 2013 11:53 PM

it happened in synagogue to me, too

I too heard this happen to my child. my child was sitting playing a game in the synagogue playroom, ON YOM KIPPUR, and a snotty girl said, "Mommy, I want to play that game, but not with her." The mom replied, "hmm....so don't."YOM KIPPUR!!!!!!

I did not have the temerity to give her a "what have you," but so wanted to. I knew that if I had said something, a fight would break out (verbal).I had spoken to her husband about this very thing to which he told me, "the group leader needs to handle this."

Amazing.

(29)
Anonymous,
July 1, 2013 10:33 PM

We don't accept bullying and harassment in the workplace, and we should not accept it in our schools. If the parents of bullies refuse to teach their children compassion, then we must hit the parents where they live. Perhaps if the parents of the bully were slapped with a lawsuit, things might be different. Also, if a bully cannot behave appropriately in school then that child needs to be suspended and placed on home instruction. Let us acknowledge bullying for the crime it is!

Robin,
July 3, 2014 4:04 PM

Not if you're poor

If the bully's parents are wealthy and the victims parents are poor them you can forget about it. The one with the most money wins. I had to remove my child from her school and send her to school an hour away because of the "Dibbuk" as she is known in our home. It was the best thing I ever did. This Dibbuk now has twins of her own and I wish for them to be tortured by other children so she should cry for her children like I did for mine. The only problem with this is she has money, so she will most likely sue the other parents. Sigh.....

(28)
Lacie,
January 4, 2013 2:59 PM

I'm not Jewish but your article resonated with me deeply. Particularly this quote, "the strength of our people was seen in our unity. We cared for each other. We cried for one another. It was when we reached the new low of petty bickering, humiliating and eventually even hating one another that we forfeited our Divine grace. Our oneness was lost and our magnificent Temple was destroyed." There is much wisdom here and it applies to us all.

(27)
Kin,
December 10, 2012 1:02 PM

Thank you

My seven year old has autism and was routinely shunned by kids her own age until we found a school and an area that had more children that were just like her. It was painful for me and her mother to see the pain in her eyes when children would run away or refuse to play with her when she tried to walk over and talk to them. With a little help and guidance, she now has friends at school and is a much happier child. She'll be autistic the rest of her life, but I have hope that she will be a wonderful person and will achieve whatever she puts her mind to. Our children are a blessing to more than just the parents. Thank you for this article.

Anonymous,
October 14, 2013 11:55 PM

what a blessing indeed

Children are a blessing but what is just as much of a blessing is that hashem helped you find a school that helped your daughter thrive.

When I was growing up, I got picked on and teased by classmates. I always felt that I was to blame for it because I wasn't outgoing enough and I didn't think or talk like the other kids. I think what kept me going was that I did have a few friends, both in school and elsewhere. Now, I just hope that I can set the example for my children so that history does not repeat itself.

(22)
Anonymous,
October 27, 2009 8:31 PM

Every parent is the cause

My son has allergies. Even with allergy shots, he looks "funny". The other kids make fun of him, hitting him. I called one parent. She defended her child, saying my son was "weird." I asked, does this give him the right to do something that is asur dearaisa?
Unfortunately, to this parent, the answer is yes. If your child has allergies, that gives my child the right to mistreat yours.

(21)
bena,
October 27, 2009 1:25 AM

more serious thank yuo think

The consequences of little kids being mean and teasing others may be more serious than many realize. One of my childhood friends married out of the Jewish fiath in part because Jewish kids teased her while kids in public school did not. Now, she does not even want to send her Jewish child to a Jewish school for fear of him being teased. Little mean Jewish children may be H'V erasing whole branches of our the Jewish nation, and the responsibility for this will fall on those who they learn from.

(20)
Anonymous,
October 21, 2009 7:29 AM

This is a hard one...

...keeping the balancing act between influencing children too much and too little. It starts by being honest about both your children and your shortcomings coupled with providing a continual undercurrent of correction while giving an overflow of leading by example. Just decide first, for all the days of your life, to never give up on your children.If you decide this first, you will have the innerstrength/resolve to not give up no matter. After all, they are YOUR children;claim ownership and do not give it up for anyone nor let anyone take it away from you. THINK... of how little in this world we truly get to call our own. Never stop loving them knowing it may never get any easier-the power is yours.

(19)
Anonymous,
October 20, 2009 4:37 PM

parents

I believe that the ones that need to change are the parents. So many don't discipline or teach their kids to be kind. For whatever reason the parents just don't do it. This has to change. It needs to start from when the kids are very young not when they are 10 or 11 but way before at 2 or 3, when they begin to understand what hurt means. Parents are much more to blame then the kids. Unfortunalty, as the Torah testifies, man is rah minurav, evil from his youth. He is born with an evil tendency. Man has to be taught to be good and showed the proper way. Parents need to teach their children

(18)
Bernard,
October 20, 2009 2:52 PM

Mean Jewish Children

Thank you very much for this letter. I started yeshiva after college and was shocked by the degree of verbal, and sometimes physical, bullying that I saw among the high school boys. I now have two daughters. After a painful divorce, my girls and I moved back to my home town where I naturally enrolled them in an Orthodox day school. To my horror, I discovered that my younger daughter was being ridiculed and insulted to the point that she would skip class and spend twenty minutes in the girls' restroom. To make matters worse, when we reported the matter to the school, the school took no action because the ringleader was the daughter of a major donor to the school. We had no choice but to leave the school. She is finally recovering after years of therapy, but my daughter absolutely refuses to come to synagogue for fear she will see one of her former tormentors.

(17)
Nica,
October 20, 2009 12:25 AM

setting an example to children is contagious

This is such an important article. Thank-you Rebettzin. The writer Jose Samarago stated several years ago, that we as children are taught lessons with all types of morals to them, but quickly forget them as we grow. Kindness needs to be practiced in the home and prohibition of vicious gossip and exclusion should be practiced daily. I say this because, I feel so blessed. A few years ago I was on my way to a parent teacher night and the mother of a girl my daughter and I know many years approached me. She told me that I have a beautiful daughter. She said that the other day a couple of girls were taunting her daughter and excluding her. My daughter came over to her and sat with her and stayed with her. I didn't know this story. When that woman recounted this episode, I told her that she has made my day better than if I heard she received A's on her grades. I will always remember this incident and how good I felt about my child. It is as if it occurred yesterday.

(16)
Anonymous,
October 19, 2009 11:08 PM

Mean Children

My 11 years old daughter has been picked by her classmates/former friends for past year.She may be very mature as her parents are disabled and the girls made fun of her and us. She will have bas mitzvah in less than a year and I will make her bas mitzvah in where I come from but not in here unless the girls clean up their acts. Most parents denied the truth about their daughters.

(15)
Rachel,
October 19, 2009 4:51 PM

impact of media

I'm usually the last person to blame the media, but I am appalled by the lack of kind values in a lot of programming available to teens, tweens, and elementary school aged kids. Typically, the plots involve a few really popular kids, there hangers-on, and then the despised losers. Teachers, parents, and most other adults are shown to be irrelevant and clueless. Schools seem to exist as venues for fashion shows and gossip, not for learning. Then we wonder where the kids learn to act this way when this is what they're being taught by the insidious films and tv programs that are rated as age appropriate!

(14)
Anonymous,
October 19, 2009 4:23 AM

Compassion

These responses seem cruel and vicious we are talking about children who are being molded by their environments. Children who act out are ofren facing issues in the home that they are unable to discuss we must show them the compassion we wished they posess. If we are intolerant judges how can we expect them to be compassionate people?

(13)
Anonymous,
October 19, 2009 4:06 AM

The Girls at Synagogue Drove My Israeli Daughter Away For Judaism

After living in Israel for 4 years, my daughter and I arrived in a southern city. My daughter was 14 years old and less sophisticated than the American girls at BBG and the Conservative Synagogue. She was invited to attend a girls sleepover and came home telling me about their disobedience to parents and attitudes that had shocked her and was something she had not experienced. At synagogue Hannah was astounded that the same girl told her that they didn’t think she was Jewish because she was blonde. How could this be when one of the lead girls was East Asian and my daughter was an Israeli and had attended Dati school through the 8th grade. Here we were straight from Israel, all alone in the Bible Belt and the Jewish community was rejecting us. We stopped going to synagogue because it was so obvious that we were not accepted. No husband and no money, the parents were as horrible to me as the girls were to my sweet young daughter. I have finally returned to the synagogue but I am still not accepted by most of the “old time powers” of the congregation, but I go to hear Torah and pray. My daughter now has an eleven year old son and will not allow him to attend Hebrew school and he will not have a Bar Mitzvah. My daughter now uses an American name, not the Hebrew name that she grew up with and is lost to Judaism because of the way the teenage girls treated her. I can not disagree because they still treat me the same way.

(12)
,
October 18, 2009 11:30 PM

A very important article

There are so many cruel children out there unfortunately. We hope that when they get a bit older they'll mature and stop being cruel- unfortunately that isn't always the case. This is a very important message to get out to parents, thank you for writing this article!

(11)
Rachel,
October 18, 2009 9:28 PM

Thank You for your Timely Article

I hope all yeshivot will make it their first priority to teach kindness and not condone cruelty. How many people leave Judaism because the kids in the day school or summer camp were mean? Sometimes the parents whose kids are the cruelest are big financial contributors to the school and the administration is afraid to stand up to them when they endorse their children's behavior. This is most unfortunate. If these parents sent their kids into school with a ham & cheese sandwich, the administration would not tolerate it, so they certainly should not tolerate non-kosher behavior.
I don't think it's a proper Torah attitude to enjoy when the former childhood bully gets 'payback' either.
I hope parents won't stand by and let their children endure meanness from the other kids, either. Mean behavior is wrong and the parents have a right to protect their children from such emotional wounds. When the child grows up, she will remember that her pain was her parent's pain, and she'll grow up with more, not less, love in her heart.

(10)
mordi,
October 18, 2009 8:45 PM

meanness

There is a commandment that a child honour their parent. Curiously it does not say love, since that cannot be forced. There is no commandment that a parent honour, nor love,their child. Many parents are poor teachers. The parents who atke your calss or read books are the better parents wanting to get better. Meanness, cunning and bullying have been around since the first sin. It is great that you bring it up. It can't hurt. Even those who are not mean need reminding from time to time , not to be mean, particularly loshon hora, one of the most insidious harms and very difficult trap to avoid. Most don't know what it is. Yasher koach to you for the heads up.

(9)
Sue McCarty,
October 18, 2009 7:51 PM

Mean Kids

I sincerely hope the author of this article approached the rabbi about this (it would make for great sermon material!) AND mailed a copy of this article to both him and the offending child's mother! I am a grandmother now but my kids went through this in middle school, however the age of the kids is getting younger where this kind of pressure is applied. No amount of "anti-bullying" education in the schools seems to work. Unless adults stop this when they see it happening, the kids go on savaging their classmates and acquaintences. I commend the author her courage for turning around and commenting to the kids even if she got glared at by the offending child's mother! Way to go!

(8)
Tova Saul,
October 18, 2009 7:34 PM

While we're on the Subject of Teaching CHildren Compassion....

I am constantly seeing children taking delight in frightening starving street cats, and throwing things at them. Their parents walk along as though they are deaf, dumb, and blind, but Heaven forbid their child should squeeze a teabag on Shabbat!

Anonymous,
May 10, 2013 2:21 AM

Huh?

what does one have to do with the other? BOTH are equally assur. this article is about bullying, not about replacing one teaching for another; truly, they should complement each other!!

(7)
Anonymous,
October 18, 2009 6:58 PM

Reminds me of my childhood-I was the one who befriended the ones nonone else wanted to

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Those mothers and fathers out there whom have brats for children,were the obnoxious kids 25 years ago. I see it all the time. My classmates whom I could not stand for being little **tches, now have kids with that attitude today, unfortunately. The cycle just keeps going on and on and on. Someone needs to put these nasty chilldren in their place, once and for all.

(6)
Anonymous,
October 18, 2009 4:50 PM

on the mark. tell it to the Rabbis

seems to me the heads of yeshivas have the authority to decide what values are accentuated and reenforced in a childs education

(5)
Anonymous,
October 18, 2009 4:42 PM

I was one of those kids, too.

I admit I wasn't the perfect kid but I got a lot of abuse.
I found I didn't need a bunch of friends to be happy. I learned I could succeed on my own. I keep tabs on certain of the nastier kids from my past, and chuckle when I see something bad has happened in their lives. Payback ALWAYS comes.

(4)
Anonymous,
October 18, 2009 4:38 PM

Age Appropriate Behavior

We are trying to teach our children that being mean and being hurtful, to others either through words or actions is never appropriate, but we are constantly criticized by others who are self procalimed "experts" in the field after having been through Schwab's STEP parenting program. Does requiring children to rely on themselves mean also standing by and allowing them to get hurt, either emotionally or physically by others because those others may be displaying "age appropriate" aggressive behavior?

(3)
Anonymous,
October 18, 2009 4:06 PM

Lonliness Cured From Within

Perhaps our children are lonely because that is what we have taught them to be through being suspicious, overly guarded, un-trusting rather than teaching them to be strong in faith, un-bending in character, and empathic to others. You can't live in a shell and have friends in the outer world. Nobody will ever get to know, appreciate, and love you if they are consistently shunned or looked at with suspicion. People don't understand Judiasm as it is in this world and unless they are taught, they never will. Accept, teach, live with Hashem's love!

(2)
,
October 18, 2009 3:27 PM

Parents really need to set the positive tone and be role models of chesed, kindness, teaching the importance of kind friendship as an aspect of loving your fellow Jew. I could not believe the kind of cruelty in the Jewish schools here -- parents take note of how you treat others so that you reach out and invite the special kids to your home for Shabbos and include in birthday parties, etc.

(1)
Anonymous,
October 18, 2009 1:43 PM

making sure our children attend all parties

Children who are not well liked might feel grateful that someone came to their party. But in the back of their mind they know that these children came, not out of friendship, but either they were forced to by parents, or out of pity. I know, I was one of those children.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

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