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Obscene Angst.

I’m 28 years old, and I can still be as whiny as a teenage girl who first discovered that tampons are so much better than pads. I still have outbursts of random tears and can feel a euphoria of hormones taking over my body, but now I know why.

It has finally been diagnosed that I have ADHD. I have been struggling with these symptoms for years often frustrating those around me, and pissing co-workers off, but I can’t help it. #Thestruggleisreal and oh so painful.

When you have ADHD you struggle to pay attention, and get distracted by the smallest things, but when you find something you love you become obsessed and focus all your energy into it and making it easy to run over your competition. I am one of those people that is relentless, driven and hates to fucking lose. I can be obsessive. I can be a total fucking nightmare to deal with. I’m a fucking nightmare to date because in the beginning I am so well behaved, interested, happy and after a few months, I’m just like fuck this! I’m bored, I mastered that, I need something new.

When I was in first grade, I couldn’t wait to learn how to write, and read. I love it and because of this, I did quite well in reading and writing. I was reading at like a senior in high school when I was in 6th grade, because it interested me. Then I got bored and was like eh, whatever, fuck this, school is lame, these people don’t know shit…helloooooo junior high! In 7th grade, we were required to do AR, aka this accelerated reader program. The books bored me, I was a bad girl and lied about how many pages I was reading. We were required to take quizzes on the books we read, and I would guess all the answers and of course FAIL! The books were fucking boring, the character were un relatable and I disliked reading. Then I discovered Phyllis Reynolds Naylor’s Alice series. I do not know how these books were placed on the shelves of a conservative school run by Mormons, but they were and I enjoyed them. The Alice series was edgy often talking about sex, but it wasn’t dirty, it was through the mind of a teenage girl, who relatable. Alice was spunky, she was insecure, she was funny, and she was discovering things that I was discovering. I actually read the fucking books and scored high on the stupid AR tests.

As an adult, I struggle to be “normal” because I don’t think like other people do. I never look at minor details, because I don’t really care about them. When it’s my turn to bat, I swing for a home run causing me to forget that you need some doubles in order to win the game. I only care about the big picture.