Friday, September 25, 2009

BSNYC Friduciary Fung Quiz!

If you're a cyclist, you've almost certainly been hit or almost hit at some point by a driver who's either oblivious or actively stupid. This is especially irritating since many of us are also motor vehicle owners or at least occasional drivers. Yet somehow when we're riding we find ourselves demoted to the status of squirrels, in that most drivers simply leave all the evasive action up to us. Survival is our problem. But as stupid as some drivers are, it would appear that they're not entirely to blame--it's also their driving instructors who train them to behave stupidly. Take for instance this vehicle I encountered yesterday:

As it passed me, I noticed that the driver--who, one would assume, was the student--was talking on a cellphone. Moreover, the passenger--who, one would assume, was the instructor--was actually holding the cellphone to the driver's ear for her. Now, it's illegal to use a hand-held cellphone while driving in New York State. However, in this case we enter a nebulous "grey area," since it is legal to talk on a cellphone while driving if you use a hands-free device. So, in this case, does the driving instructor himself constitute a hands-free device? Moreover, ITTET, are people now renting themselves out as human Bluetooths? And, perhaps most importantly, when someone gets run over by a driver who's talking on a phone someone else is holding for him, is the victim less likely to be injured or killed than they are by a driver who's holding the phone himself?

Of course, we can at least take comfort in the fact that drivers don't always run into cyclists because they didn't see them or because they actively hate them. Sometimes, they actually do it because they're overwhelmed by feelings of lust for them:

Just a few seconds more of my looking and I may very well have crashed into something. That street is tight. You were biking, bearded and with nice hair and all, in the opposite direction. All I needed was a few seconds to see you were super cute....I think you looked back :) at least I hope you were looking at me and not just at my tank of a car, as to avoid me not hitting you

Yes, next time someone driving a "tank of a car" almost plows into you, just comfort yourself with the knowledge that they may actually be fantasizing about gaining access to your "viscous comfort zone." Then again, it could just be that they're distracted by olfactory hallucinations which cause them to smell bagels even when there are none around:

You were wearing a nice dress and rode a blue bike. I asked you, a bit randomly, if you caught the intense smell of Bagels at that corner. It was an excuse to talk to you, of course, but it also is a legitimate question -- I catch that smell lots of mornings and, well, there's never anyone around to mention it to. So thanks for being there.Also, you are totally beautiful.

In any case, it gives me pleasure to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you see Fixed Gear Steven doing a bunch of elephant trunk skids in a parking lot.

As always, thanks for reading, ride safe, and if you smell bagels see a doctor.

This dog can focus! The lovers have unlocked now, and the others pass by one after another and smell the sad gal's pussy, but they make no attempt to mount her. The two lovers now lick their privates...possibly to ease the pain of being stuck together.

I remember my first time. My resident expert reminded me of the mantra as I rolled away, "You just can't stop pedaling." From the second I slid my feet into the baskets (there to keep your feet from flaking out on the eternal task at hand) and gave them a push, I could feel the connection fix devotees describe. Push harder and you're empowered with this instant sense of control and command. The bike moves with you. It responds without any hesitation or hiccup in its cadence from the clicks and delayed catch of a chain to a different gear.

One other thing: We'd like to make a formal request to the pricing police to spare us any slings and arrows of criticism about the cost of these wheels. The time involved in procuring the rims alone should make them cost twice as much. These rims are rare icons of PRO cycling as performed in its most intense and romantic circumstances. If you're lacking in the appropriate cultural sensitivity we won't hold it against you. But, likewise, this fact deprives you of standing to bitch about the cost.

Which company includes the above admonishment in the copy for its $1,275 32-hole box section rim wheelset?

Do you smell bagels? What a lame pick-up line. It reminds me of an old story. A guy gets on an elevator alone with a woman. He asks her, "Can I smell your feet?" Taken aback, she replies, "Of course not." He says, "Oh, it must be your pussy."

Yesterday the Boulder paper had the ghost bike, which had been there Tuesday on my ride to the crash site, on the front page. The bike was now serving as a flower box and people were putting the appropriate things in it and on it. It is a warm tribute to a man that touched the lives of many people.

The friend of Casey that I met at the site on Tuesday had asked me to buy and deliver a book to the driver. I did so. The driver and her father were very appreciative. The book is “The Sermon on the Mount.”

It turns out that I know someone who was also a friend of Casey. This friend had also been hit once in the same way, by a left cross, though on a motorcycle at the time. We discussed the incident and he too, like the friend from Tuesday, agreed that Casey would not want the driver’s life to be destroyed by this. Casey’s friends are a special breed.

The dad had asked me on Tuesday if I could help them reach out to Casey’s family. We since decided it was best not to try yet. Who knows when, but eventually, perhaps asking the friend to identify Casey’s priest or minister and then asking the clergyman to bridge seems the best way to go.

I'm a long time fixed gear bicycle rider who very much enjoys riding my fixed gear bike from to time. But for the godforsaken life of me, I can't possibly imagine what would drive me to film and shoot a video of myself and/or anyone else riding around the neighborhood w/ some floozie girl or performing dopey tricks in a parking lot.

I wonder what the non-cycling equivalent of these videos would be -- maybe we'll start seeing folks posting footage of other mundane daily tasks? My roommate's going to be writing a letter to the editor of some local periodical later this afternoon. Would footage of that get hits & go viral? How about me walking my dog or masturbating while I wait for my laundry to dry?

I got almost every fucking question wrong. Except for the last one on $1200 bog standard box rim wheels. I immediately recognized the hip, yet smarmy voice of Competitive Cyclist. Visted the CC site and there's even more blather about those wheels. I put it down to guilt about the price. Ya think?

I liked the Jen and Chris vid. I was on the edge of my seat through the whole thing wondering: Where are they going? What are they thinking? What the hell is with the ink? If they quit pedaling will they both get fat?

...(1)- "I asked if you smelled Bagels - (21st and 1st ave. 8.45 am)"......(2)- "caught the intense smell of Bagels at that corner"......(3)- "but it also is a legitimate question -- I catch that smell lots of mornings"......

...honestly ???...these are "legitimate" statements ?!?!?!...jeezus...sounds like this person lives or works in the area so i'm thinkin' "brain dead"...

...i live in a little town of just over 7,000 people in northern"fucking"california & even i can tell ya that there is an ess-a-bagels on 1st ave, just around the corner from e 21st...

I've been riding bikes for, nah, I'm not going to say--let's just say I remember when carbon was something necessary to obtaining and accurate copy of something you typed. My last premium bicycle was from a little Georgia titanium shop with Japanese fishing gear componetry--and then I just had to have a classic Italiano steel, campy-9. Off the bike for a few years--returned this year, I feel like Rip Van Winky--all these plastic wheels and bikes. Holeee Shiatsu! If I get me some titanium knees and lose a couple of stones can I climb my metro park hills like the Italianos? Will my testes descend?

I really thought that bonus question was a joke, so I clicked on Jobst Brandt Wheel Systems expecting to see a nice bit of Snob's trademark satire, but instead my computer speakers started spilling out some poor sap carrying on about his Mercury being in the impound or something while a drunken cameraperson seemed to be stalking some kid riding aimlessly around a parking lot on a bike. I need a beer.

So, we've discussed the overuse of the word epic here many times. If I were to say "my week has been epic", you might call me out for aggrandizing my experiences. Well, turns out you'd be wrong, cause the US geological survey said so:http://www.wsbtv.com/news/21115210/detail.html

I just can't get over that cute bearded boy. Can't the poster say how old she thinks he is, like perhaps eight? Furthermore, what was he peddling down 6th Avenue? Bagels, perhaps? And was his "cute hair and all" in the opposite direction to his beard or to the street?

hey, it ain't cheap procuring some of those rims...brah; then you've got to curate the rest of the parts...i hear that DA 7900 with that oh-so-sought-after 130mm spacing is next to impossible to find. next thing you know, someone puts all your procurement and curation work to waste by stealing it; next thing i know i'm pissed an putting up craigslist posts about it...

As there has been an unusual amount of interest hereabouts lately about the "scranus," I thouhgt I'd report in on the chamois cream situation.

First, a little history, Back in the day (when only BGW and I are old enough to remember), the chamois was called the chamois because it was actually made out of chamios, and after enough washings, the leather would become stiff and hard. Creams were invented to restore the leather to "showroom condition." Today NOBODY uses an actual chamois as a chamois. Even the people showing the cool retro wool cycling shorts use a state-of-the-art synthetic.

Now, apparently, it is the scranus which becomes stiff and hard, having been delegated those responsibilities by the synthetic chamois. This now requires all manner of creams, cremes, potions and elixers. There were plenty to choose from at the show, with DZ Nuts the most prominent among them. If Zabriske's actual nuts were on display, I fortunately missed his personal appearence.

The most interesting of these products was "Hoo Ha Ride Glide" (I am not making this up - google it if you don't believe me.)They had a booth staffed by a comely and effervescent spokeswoman in a full cycling kit. She waits til some unsuspecting female attendee happens by the booth, and shouts at her, "Have you rubbed any cream on your hoo ha today?" The victim's embarrasment is compounded by the fact that every horndog male within two rows of booths (and that's pretty much all of them) pivots their head to imagine the poor victim rubbing cream onto her most intimate of private parts.

I did not take a sample of Hoo Ha Ride Glide for fear that it might actually contain semem as an ingredient.

Im driving down my country lane at 5AM. Darkest before dawn. Just got up. I see blinking red light ahead. I see blinking red light getting bigger. Im driving slowly enjoying tea. Im tuning radio stations. I know theyre doing road work. I assume a warning sign. My wife screams BIKE. I swerve at the last second. I didnt sleep for days. Some guy tried to run me over in a parking lot. I got the license plate. I reported it. Couldnt do anything because out of state and no driver description. I kept waiting for a visit from my local sheriff. I should have at least apologized.

That vid ought to be a perfectly ordinary everyday occurence; just a young(ish) couple riding through town. But they make it up to be a fucking EVENT. "Film us, dude! We're awesome!" "Yeah, you totally are! Ride, man! RIDE FOR ALL OF US!!!". Bollocks. If I'd been a driving instructor, I'd be obliged to order my hapless student to give chase and terminate with extreme prejudice. THAT could go on Youtube.

...i am not a fan of cadel evans & in fact i'm one of those folks who's boorish enough to make fun of the lad when he goes off on one of his little tirades...

...me being one of the original mtb guys, ya might think i'd enjoy seeing a a top mtb guy like cadel come over & make a name for hinself in the pro peleton...nope, not me...

...but all that being said, i stand & doff my cycling cap to the little aussie rider...

...congratulations, cadel evans, 2009 world road champion...(never thought i'd say that) you both read & rode the race of your life...you marked when it was intelligent to mark & you attacked when it counted out of a very competitive field...props to you...

recently I started driving again after about 5 years away from the car. The first thing I noticed was how random and hostile the bikes are. Some cars are like that too but there is actually a sort of conformist self-policing that keeps most auto drivers in line.

But the bikes...on the curb, off the curb, backwards, parallel, perpendicular, or whatever. Lots of attitude and little flips of the hands to let you know they're just going to S L I D E across three lanes of 40mph traffic. so cool and you really look good in those stretch jeans too

BMD, you snotface - get some indigenous Australian lexicography under your belt before you presume to opine in your Yanktastic (we call you 'seppo' down here, you know?) manner about things of which you know naught. 'Sits on wheel', more like 'Blows your face clean orf'. Better'n all you Septic drug cheats. Hah.

Look, if someone is stupid enough to buy at CC, they deserve to get fucked on prices. You don't go to a Thai brothel then complain about the green spots on yer schlong a month later.

I'm seriously buying Honda stock-they've tapped into the last vestiges of North American laziness by motorizing stools -no longer do we have to kick our feet like suckers.

Apply this technology to toilets and you have a real winner..add a lithium battery and a solar charger -bingo, sales are through the roof in California starting with Ed Begley Jr...paint it white and get a guy in a black turtle neck to announce it...the iShitter is born. People are already lining up at the Manhattan Apple store. Yes, it will have G4 networks, Bluetooth and HD video. The 'shuffle' button randomly decides if you are doing #1 or #2.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!