If They Learn, You Die

The following article is political satire. Its purpose is to show the breakdown of the Public Dialogue and the American political system. It is a collection of stereotypical examples of how the desire to win is greater than loyalty to country.

If They Learn, You Die

Occasionally I get asked to do projects for people. Recently I was asked by the local Republican party to do research into the most effective ways their party can persuade people to embrace the Republican party.

This was a challenging assignment for several reasons. Whatever document I produced had to meet specific Republican platform requirements.

I was reminded that I had to focus on the Republican philosophy as it relates to god, free speech, and strangely, sexual gender assignments and public restrooms. Whatever, that’s what I do, so I looked into their philosophy about God, free speech and sex.

The following document was my first submission to the party boss:

Republican Party Strategic Plan

God

Try to steer clear of Jesus. The old testament God is more in line with current Republican ideology. Jesus only opens the door to conversations that include the people you are fighting against. No need to confuse your issues by trying to include inferior classes of people and the obvious god-haters. If you focus on the Old White Christian Men [OWCM] your base will be solid with the best Americans. Old testament thinking and OWCM is a powerful weapon. Learn to use it without remorse. After all, when god is one of you, you don’t really need to play fair.

Allow, of course, anyone who wants to be a Republican into the party, like your women folk and some people with colored skin. They are good for your mailers and such, but only give a very few of them positions of responsibility. Again for advertising purposes.

Make sure to explain forcefully that God does not like certain people, but god loves Republicans. That shows a personal relationship with god. The more people you can say our god hates, let’s call them, “the others”, the closer god will be to your party. If you do this all just right, the Republican Party can become the “Party of God” and American domination will be at your fingertips.

Although it is not the purpose of this document to chart your course for world domination, I should point out that every world dominator has had god as a sidekick. Words to the wise.

Free speech

I suggest you use your free speech to try to stifle the free speech of your political opponents. I would use god to help you do that. The possibilities are endless. Consider the form of the argument you should use:

Republicans are the party of god

God says you are bad, Republicans are good

That’s a simplified form and not really logical, but it will work on your people. Give it some tweaking according to your specific hatred needs and, well you get the point.

Always remember that god is your tool. You will have exclusive use of god in your political pursuits, because those weak lefties think god belongs to everyone. You hear that term a lot from the left: Everyone, include them too, Constitution, everyone is supposed to be equal, Bill of Rights, bla, bla, bla, whine, whine, whine. You can absolutely destroy those bedwetters with properly applied god-hate. They will never see you coming.

I suggest you get yourselves into state and local legislatures. It’s cheaper to buy local politicians. You can own them for ball game tickets or a membership to the local country club. Give them small notoriety and then show them how to identify people who threaten your beliefs, then let the greed you feed and human nature take over.

We will all be trickling down as a result of the constructive application of god-hate.

The S word

Learn as much as you can about other people’s sex. Talk about sex, wonder about other people’s sex, ask pointed and inappropriate questions about other people’s sex and sex in general. Be sure to use god and the old testament to define disgusting sex and the very disgusting deviants that have sex for reasons other than procreation. Mention abomination and spilling seed as much as possible. Those terms are icky to your base and they can be used as trigger terms.

I’ll show you what I mean:

Think homosexual love.

Take a minute to compose yourself, we have work to do.

Sell god’s disgust and the fact that you are his sword. Do something to those abominations. Show how the godly can punish. Give your base a rally cry. Try this:

“God hates fags and loves Republicans”

Think bumper stickers and yard signs.

Maybe:

“God told us you should be a Republican”

OK a little long for a bumper sticker, but maybe letterhead? What about

“They call it Missionary position for a reason.”

Maybe for rock concerts or biker gangs.

You get the point. Sell the idea that it’s god and republicans against faggots, cross dressing communists and everyone that does not agree with you. Sell

It’s us and god against you.

In general, never, never be persuaded by logic or facts. They usually come from the ungodly with forked tongues. If you listen, the dark one will enter your mind and fill it with questions. We all know there is no godly value to questions. They are designed by infidels to corrupt our children and steal our women. Never, never allow your Republicans to question. If they learn, you die.

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About Me

Mark Johnson is a freelance writer living in the high desert of Southern California. He holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Philosophy from California State University, Los Angeles. He is an advocate for disabled families and works to bring them information and resources.