Question

How can I get my daughter to stop playing "doctor" with her friends?

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My 5-year-old daughter has been talking incessantly about male and female 'privates' and has also been playing 'show and tell' with her friends (both girls and boys). How should I handle this situation?

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Honestly, with your 5-yr old, I would not worry about her being fascinated with "private parts." At this age and stage in development, your daughter is curious, NOT sexual. During this stage of development, she is likely interested in basic human anatomy, not sex. As adults and parents, we associate our genitals with sex. Children do not necessarily see genitals the same way. "Playing doctor" is just another way of exploring and learning more about their own bodies. I would handle it NOT by punishing but rather by talking with your daughter and letting her know that you understand she's curious but she and her friends need to leave their clothes on because our bodies are private & special. Don't shame your child for something natural. Look at this board - there are LOTS of parents experiencing the same issue. Their children are not seeking to be sexually active - they're curious. Shame & punishment are wrong in this situation. This is human nature and childhood curiousity.

I'm writing because I'm concerned for the children of Sarahsmommy10804. In her post she wrote that because her father molested her when she was young she only leaves her children with her parents if her Mom is there. Why does she feel that her Mom will protect her children if she didn't protect her? I'm very concerned for her children's safety. Pedophiles are notoriously sneaky and manipulative when it comes to gaining access to victims. Please, I beg of you NOT to leave your children with a known pedophile

I was a little disturbed by a few comments made here by Gary and Michael. And so I feel it is necessary to share some information that I have learned by a specialist in the field of children's sexual behaviourisms.
First there is something called age appropriate sex play.
Gary, your 5 years old to your brothers 9 is not age appropriate. By the time you were 12 years old, surely to god your parents had educated you about sexuality and appropriate behaviours. What was transpiring between you and your brother, once again, was not appropriate.
Michael, my comment to Gary about age appropriate applies to you as well. Your 6 years of age to your 11-year old brother is not appropriate. Nor is sexual intercourse at the age of 12 with a 15 year old. The fact that you feel because you both "kept the secret" made this normal, only confirms for me how not healthy this was.
I am out raged for both of you. It really makes me angry to see that parents have failed their children so horribly. And that is what has happened in both of your cases.
I am addressing you both with a question. How is it, that you two found this site for parents? I'm a little dismayed that your comments have been allowed to be posted here, seeing as with these comments comes a true danger of misinformation to unaware parents seeking advice on a very serious subject.
I am the parent of two children, an 8 year old girl and an 21 month old boy. As well I am a survivor of sexual abuse. It was because of my own history that when I caught my daughter in the act of sex play , when she was 6, with her 5 year old cousin, I became very upset. I knew that I hadn't the knowledge to define normal from abnormal, so I seeked out the advice of a specialist in the field. I had feared the worst, that perhaps I had dropped the ball and in some way left my child open to the same abuse I had suffered.
I was , to say the least, relieved to learn that her and my nephews actions where within the realms of normal, healthy, sexual behaviour. My advice to all you other parents out there is to do what I did. Asked the questions that you don't have the answers to. It is not fun, nor easy; however, it is essential to your child's well being to learn what is, and is not healthy for them developmentally. It only makes you a better parent. There is no wrong questions. I want add, that when you discover this happening, please remain as calm as possible.

I'm glad that I'm not alone in this situation. The other day I found my daughter and her friend naked in my daughters closet while on a playdate. Myself and the little girls mom found them. My daughter was asking her friend to touch her bum. I am really confused as to where my child learned this behaviour. At first I wondered if this type of behaviour was sexual, they are only 4 years old. And I can say with 100% certainty that my daughter has never seen adults behave in this nautre and she doesn't watch any tv shows that aren't pre-school aged. Could it just be curiousity? I am really mortified, I haven't spoke to the Mom of the little girl since the incident, I am worried that she may be really disgusted with the situation. It caught me a little off guard and I really didn't know what to say.
I spoke to my daughter after the fact and explained to her that only Mommy and Daddy and her Doctor, if Mommy is with her are allowed to touch her 'private parts' and she is not allowed to let anyone else, nor is she to touch anyone elses 'private parts'.

I haven't expereinced this and I wonder if it is because we are very open with our children. We don't have 'pee-pee's' and 'privates' in our house. We have penis' and vagina's - one is what makes a boy a boy and the other is what makes a girl a girl. When our son asked why his penis gets hard, we told him it is called an 'errection'. We told him it was something that happens to boys and men and it's normal. When he (or our daughter) has a question like this, we answer - ALWAYS - to the best of our knowledge. The trick is to only answer the question they ask. When my daughter asked how she came out of my belly, I told her that a doctor did all of the work. She asked how, and I told her when it was time for her to be born, I went to the hospital. They gave me a very strong medicine which made me not feel anything around my belly and he cut a small opening and pulled her out. She was satisfied and resumed playing house. Be open with your kids and never make them feel shamed.

I think some people here are too scared of your children's sexuality. And yes, I use that word with a purpose, children are indeed sexual beings from birth. Just do a little research in child psychology and you will find out. I agree this is a sensitive subject that most people don't know how to handle, but it is one that ALL parents, not just mums, have to deal with. Sexual exploration between children is something that is just going to happen, even with parents ongoing attempts to stop it. It is a natural part of human development. This includes everything that I have read in these posts. So far, I have not seen ANYTHING alarming or reason for concern. I would say that the limit should be drawn at whether all children involved WANT to play whatever "game" is played and not the game itself. As long as no one is hurt it should not matter. You know, if parents forbid something, it is just going to be more attractive to the children. Teach your children to say no instead. ChldHlthNurse

i am wanting advice badly right now. my son is almost 5 yrs old- and a mature 5 if that is possible. but we had 4 instances now of this behavior. I feel as though i protect my child well. the 1st one was at school. it is usually with another little boy and now it seems to be with the smaller boys he plays with. i have tried everything. the 1st time (he being 3) we just had a serious talk about privates and the rules. the next time he got a little trouble and the last 2 times it was full blown punishment because he really knows he cannot touch other kids or allow them to touch him but he does it anyway. i am so worried to even let him play with other kids b/c this seems to always come up. help. i dont want to ruin him but i am tired of hearing that he has touched another little boy. he has not been molested unless it was at school- but i really just think he is extra curious. but how do i make him understand when he continually does it knowing its wrong?

I'm currently having the same problem with my children. I have a 5 year old son that is very interested in the opposite sex's private parts. I walked into my living room today from making lunch and saw my daughter (2 years) laying on the floor with her panties pulled down to her knees playing with herself and saying pee pee while her 3 year girl friend and my son were watching very intently. I've noticed my son playing with his privates constantly in his room or in the bath and have occasionally heard him ask his sister to show him her privates. We talked with him about how they were different and that they were private areas that nobody was allowed to touch or see but him. He's very secretive about himself now. I talked with him today about the incident in my living room and how my daughter's privates were hers to look at only and he was not to touch or look at them. Two hours later I found him and the 3 year old little girl playing on my patio and he was bent over top of her while she was on her hands and knees and he'd pulled down her panties and had his face near her bottom. I asked what he was doing and he said she pulled her panties down and he was smelling her bottom. I'm at a loss of what to do. I've talked with him and explained differences to him and explained how they were private places but he's not seeming to care. He's not ever with other people that he could have seen doing this and acting it out because he's always with my husband and I. We are definitely not ones to make our sex lives public. Are there any other suggestions for this type of problem because nothing seems to be working. I know there are books out there and I was wondering if that would help. He starts kindergarten next week and I'd be mortified if something happened at school with another student and I'd be called in to talk with the teacher about his interest in private parts. Help me please!

ok, now i have a tough question. I almost feel scared and sick to my stomach to even add it but here it goes. Yesterday my 6 year old son (been 6 for only a week) was playing with his cousin (also a boy) and we left them with the other's boys mom. We came back and she was crying and told my husband that she caught them in the closet "kissing" each others privates. I know they say sexual play is normal with kids but, is kissing those parts normal? Please someone help me. I feel like either my kid might be gay when he grows up or i feel like one of them (i think the other boy) was molested. I am almost positive my son has never watched an adult movie and he told me that was the first time it happened. What do you guys think?

It really depends on the child's motives for the game. As a child I played doctor. I had a kit with a pretend shot, bandaids, and that little pump to check your blood pressure. We used to put ace bandages on eachothers legs, feet, hands, and elbows, and would check each other's blood pressure and give each other shots. It was just a way of immitating what we saw in real life. Talk to your child and tell them that some things are only for "real doctors" to do, and not play doctors and maybe play doctor with her and show her the things that are acceptable for play.

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