Interview with Osama: The Threat to Bloggers

2005-07-25

Category:politics

There?s this blog called ?The Anarchangel? that is all guns and stuff. You know the kind. Well, if I understand things correctly, he claims that the FBI had a chat with him. They told him that some of his comments about the Koran and such had warranted him a fatwa from some Islamic militants over in Europe.

I don?t know this guy so I can?t comment on the truthfulness of these things, but I?ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Those Islamic extremists are wacky enough to go around paying attention to bloggers. The best thing I can do is go to the source.

The LibertyBob Psychic Department still owes me big-time for beer and pizza when they were working some projects that never got completed. I hunted one of them down and dragged him back to conduct another interview with Osama bin Laden. Here?s how it went.

LB: So, bin Laden, we meet again.

OL: What? Where am I? Where?s my goat?

LB: Calm yourself. I have some questions for you.

OL: Oh crap, it is you.

LB: Remember, as far as you know, I?m a messenger from Allah. Is that how you greet such a messenger?

OL: Oh, uh, no, I, uh, I was just caught off guard. How may I help you, oh glorious one?

LB: That?s more like it. There?s this blogger in the United States that has annoyed some junior jihadists in Europe and now they?ve issued a fatwa against him. Is just anybody issuing fatwas these days?

OL: I?m sure they mean well. They are just so dedicated to the cause that sometimes they become over zealous.

LB: But a blogger? Surely they have better things to do.

OL: One would think so, but it is not true. We have sleeper cells scattered all over the place. Not every servant of Allah can be in a sleeper cell, instead they must wait. Unfortunately, they get bored while waiting.

LB: That?s it? They just get bored while waiting?

OL: One can only molest a goat so many times before one loses interest.

LB: Molesting goats is morally wrong and anyone caught doing it should be put to death instantly, even if that person is a terrorist. Weren?t you asking about a goat when you arrived?

OL: What? A Goat? No, that goat is for something else. There is no molesting going on. We use goats for food and wool and things. It gets lonely?

LB: Yea, I?ll be keeping an eye on you and if I catch you doing to a goat what you do to your recruits, I?m going to have a talk with the smiting department and see about giving you the scorched look.

OL: I assure you, I never molest goats.

LB: Back to bloggers then, why are the militants bothering bloggers at all?

OL: Everybody knows that bloggers are taking over legitimate media. Someday, all news will be blogs. We must destroy these bastions of free speech before they spread throughout the world. Bloggers are the greatest threat to the world as I imagine Allah wants it.

LB: That?s retarded. See, bloggers tend to be very passionate about things. Writing all this passion out on the blogs provides a release. If these people cannot blog, that passion will build until they have to take real action in the world. When that happens, they will mobilize and kick your ass. You must not attack blogs and bloggers.

OL: I will tell the true believers not to attack the bloggers. I?m not sure I can keep them from reading blogs or leaving comments. I know that several of my closest lieutenants often giggle about a blog called LibertyBob. They mutter things like ?messenger? and ?psychic? and then when I ask them about it they respond with ?nothing?. These blogs are a danger.

LB: Yea, if you say so. Back to business, though. Why did your people bomb the subways in London?

OL: You told us to move to France. That tells us that France is sacred in the eyes of Allah. England is France?s historical enemy. We know you meant us to attack the enemy of France.

LB: You are such a moron. I told you to attack France, not make an idol out of it. I tell you, you are one of the most idolatrous people to ever walk the earth. Not even the Elvis worshippers are as bad as you, and they have Graceland. Now stop deciding what I?m telling you and just do exactly what I tell you. There is no interpretation needed. I?ll speak very plainly so you can understand. Move all your people to France and stop bombing people. When you get to France you will be instructed what to do by me. You don?t have to look for some obscure sign. I will tell you explicitly what to do. Do you understand?

OL: But what if something strange happens? What if we see birds flying in strange formation or a goat walks in a circle? Are these not signs that tell us something?

LB: Yes, they are signs telling you to do what I ordered you to do. If birds fly odd it is because they were ordered to. If a goat behaves odd it is because it was told to or because you and your boys went at it too much. In any event, it is a reminder that you should do exactly as I instructed. Now, go to France and don?t bomb anybody.

OL: Very well, glorious messenger. I will go to France right away. I will tell everyone the plan and then I will fly out of Chicago this morning. I will not require any smiting.

LB: Good. Now follow orders immediately, you twit.

With that, I lightly clocked the entranced psychic to end the interview.