Your mind is a weapon – keep it loaded!

I wake up in the morning and wonder what time it is. Is it already time to stand up? Who defines the time to stand up? It’s me. I got no liabilities today, so it doesn’t matter at all. My eyes are wandering around and stop at the bed next to me. It is empty. It is always empty. And I am very sad about that.

I want to sit up but my back hurts that much that I have trouble getting up. It takes me several minutes to sit at the edge of the bed. I take one leg out and the other follows proximate. My eyes are somnolent and I feel dizzy. Was it the wine yesterday? I don’t know if it is the wine or the age. Anyway. I am hungry and want to eat. One last look at the other side of the bed, but it is still empty. I don’t know why I have to look over there all the time just to see what I do know anyways.

Standing up feels like a challenge today, but I won’t complain. I am glad I am able to. My left foot steps on the cold floor. Hope I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed. My other foot follows and so I keep going to the room next door. It’s a distance of about 10 meters but this takes me several minutes. I sit down at the big table and there is already made breakfast for me. You would say I have to enjoy this, but I would rather do it on my own. It’s a fresh roll with nutella on it and a hot chocolate. Just the way I like it. Just the way it is every morning. But there’s still missing one thing.

I am completely alone at the table. Did I sleep for so long? I don’t know, time is just something that becomes blurred if you do not need to go to work. I am on holidays. I don’t like holidays. I begin to eat my roll and the nutella does not taste as well as it once did. The chocolate is made with love but it does not taste as good as it once did.

The calm is bone-crushing. I hate this silence so much. I am so alone. But this is the way I choosed it and so I am not allowed to complain about it now.

I finish my breakfast and go back to my bed. There’s a little photo album I made a few years ago. All my happy moments are in there and there is no day passing by without me taking a look at all these pictures.

Today I am not in the mood to look at all this. Today I am too weak to look at it. I take the cover in my hands and close my eyes lying back with my belly full of sugar and a big empty space beside me. He will never come back. No, he won’t, even if I get up every single morning hoping for it. Every single morning, it is as if he just went away yesterday. I still don’t want to believe it, but I have to determine it every morning anew.

Normally I would call my sister now, but she isn’t available too.

So I keep my eyes closed and the moments appear in front of my eyes.

The day I played with my sister. We had fun and we hated the tights my mother bought us. There were little Eiffel Towers on it and we just did not want to put them on. So we took a scissors and we cutted some holes in it. Of course our mother knew that we did not fall down but she said nothing and just smiled. The day my sister married her wonderful husband and I still think that this is a love bigger than all Disney Stories that could be written.

The day my brother wanted to kill some wasp and he took an aerosol and a lighter. But all he killed was my parents new curtains. The day he laughed at me as he always did and I knew he loved me the way I loved him brother heart.

The day my father found his new wife and the moment he kissed her was the first moment for years that he forgot about my mom for a second.

The day my mother married again and she was so damn pretty smiling in happy times with a little dog at her side barking and jumping around.

The day my friend went for a walk with me without saying anything and it felt like it was the best conversation we ever had.

The day the little daughter of my female friend got his driver licence and my friend and I looked at each other recognizing that time passes by so incredibly fast.

The day my best friend finally got his little baby he always wanted to have. The dream of his life came true and I was happy for him.

And then there were these days with my love. The one that knocked me off the ground from the start. We met each other and our first date was at a dinosaur museum. He took my hand and I was so proud having him by my side. The days I was afraid of loosing him because of the long distance that kept us apart and my fear of not being enough for someone who’s so strong and wise and this damn attractive. The days I went diving on the Philippines with him and the days I watched him surfing with the sun kissing his perfect body. The days we visited the Lofoten Islands and watched the polar lights by night with this big bottle of wine and my love drunken eyes staring at this beautiful man instead. The days we moved in our common flat and disputed about a mere nothing just to have the best conciliation sex ever. The days I felt sick and he was standing by my side all the time. The times he was injured and I cared for him. The days he put his arms arount me and I felt home.

I am far beyond the age of ninety now and I lived my life with so much pleasure that it takes my breath away thinking about it. My path was accompanied by so many good-hearted people that I do not know with what in the world I did deserve all this. My memories do keep me young but since every single one I loved has gone, my memories are the only thing that keeps me alive. I am happy having survived all these people I love wholeheartedly, but I am even more happy to see them again when I close my eyes now.

This is my excursion to the future. The days that will come in about sixty years. So don’t forget:

One day your life will flash before your eyes, so make sure it is worth watching. Surround yourself with people you love. Don’t worry too much, because in the end, you only regret the chances you didn’t take, relationships you were afraid to have and the decisions you waited to long to make. And don’t forget: nobody remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.