We once again delve deeper into our world of wonder…today, we must discuss the different KINDS of poop we are experiencing. This topic shall be a little off the beaten path from our prior relationships, as almost ANY kind of poop or warning level stage can include these: there’s really no right or wrong for most of these pipe cloggers.

The Slapshot : always a fun kind of poop…this is one where you’ve been holding in some gas before you let loose, so your kinda let the fart and the dump go at the same time, and it kinda rapid fires out like an Al MacInnis slapshot. Usually registers at least a 6.2 on the Splashter Scale.

The Acupuncturist : these register as AWESOME and AWFUL at the same time. These are the monster long deuces that, if you were to reposition yourself for comfort a couple of times during an asspump, might actually poke you in your cheeks. So if you were to sit up and reveal your buttcheeks to some people, it might appear as though you’d visited an acupuncture clinic.

The Cloud Jumpers : you know these ones…you’ve dropped 4 or 5 of them, and as they float around while you’re wiping, you kinda notice they form an obstacle course of clouds…potentially usable for a bacteria-level version of MXC. Hitting their faces on the cloud jumpers would also be infinitely more hilarious than Japanese folks hitting their faces on big rubber balls.

The Tool Chest : also known as the Mix n’ Match or the Jelly Belly, this one comes with all sorts varieties. You’ve got the monster to begin with, and few tiny ploppers after, maybe a medium sized mandingo in the middle…it’s a veritable treasure trove of different tools – a wrench, hammer, pliers, the works. Let’s just hope for your sake there wasn’t a screwdriver as well…ouch.

The Collective Soul : “to Where the River Flows…BUM…BUM BUM BUM BUM…BAH BUM BUM BAH BAH BUM…BUM BUM BUM BUM…to Where the River Flows” , c’mon and sing it with me! Everyone knows that song, and I am now going to associate it with your case of the runs. Because this song rocks everyone of every demographic, just start singing it to yourself when your crapping water chunks. Can also associate the old .38 Special classic “Hold On Loosely” if you prefer pre-90s music. “So Hold on Loooooooosely…You’re Gonna Lose Contro-oal.”

The Party Favor : my personal favorite…these are the ones that are so long, they wrap around your toilet and you are actually kinda proud to show them off to people, as if you had just created some sort of masterful balloon animal. Inspiration here comes from a college party I once attended where my buddy actually dropped one of these at the party and then purposely left it for discovery for the next poor soul to enter the bathroom. The party became an instant classic to say the least…and the woman who went in after him is recovering quite well last I heard. The discovery tactic also lends this one the unfortunate nom de guerre of The Christopher Columbus, as the person after you accidentally wanders onto a gigantic foreign land mass.