You probably have lots of questions. The first question everyone asks is, “Do I have what it takes to become a certified Catholic priest?” Our research staff here at CCPI has put together this quick aptitude test to help you find out.

(2) “Missal” is:
(A) A long-range rocket containing some sort of weapon
(B) The opposite of “hittal”
(C) What everybody in Council Bluffs, Iowa used to call Miss Alberta Leffingwell, head
librarian of the Council Bluffs Public Library from 1939 until 1983
(D) None of the above

(3) When the telegraph was the only form of long-distance communication, the average amount of time that it took to complete one level of Angry Birds was:
(A) Six months
(B) Four years
(C) It depended on the difficulty of the level
(D) None of the above

(4) The bishop’s crozier is a symbol of:
(A) Hitting people over the head who have fallen asleep in church
(B) Hitting people over the head whose pledge checks are late
(C) Hitting people over the head who hate Marty Haugen
(D) None of the above

If you need a palate cleanser after reading that article, read this opinion piece in response to this article published in the same newspaper. The young lady who wrote it offers the best defense of a male only priesthood I have ever seen.

“Y’all come see me next week when I’m preachin’ on the subject of peace-passin’ in th’ service: I call hit: “Passing the Peace – or Passing the Rattlesnake!”

ConfessorDecember 15, 2011

Mr. Johnson,

So this is how you are going to augment your income and retire to Kansas by taking advantage of aging ladies and retirees who feel they have missed their true calling?

Plans to expand with a theology school and library as well?

A Caribbean campus might do better than one in Kansas OR better yet, the whole thing could be online and virtual like those reality games…with little cleric icons, cathedrals, vestments, etc.

The Little MyrmidonDecember 15, 2011

The website for these, aaah, ladies is here. It appears there’s a group of four women who dress up and give communion to each other and shoot off shrill letters to the Archdiocese.

KatherineDecember 15, 2011

The photo with the article showed a woman offering a piece of what looks like Wonder Bread, another, although less serious, violation. But since they’re not Catholic, they can do what they want. I suppose they won’t use the corrected Mass translation, either.

It seems that once again a “true call” to the priesthood occurs simultaneous with menopause. What a bore.

Ed the RomanDecember 15, 2011

++1

LaValletteDecember 16, 2011

The best and most accruate line from the article: “Because the women are violating Catholic doctrine by celebrating mass, they’re not allowed to meet in Catholic churches.” They are not celebrating Mass! The Holy Spirit does work in mysterious ways even exercising his subtle influence on uninformed religious writers.

As to what kind of mass ……..(religious suicide?) they are celebrating is left to the imagination.

FuinseoigDecember 16, 2011

“If you answered (D) to all of the above questions, becoming a certified Catholic priest should definitely be in your future.”

I would have thought it was “If you answered (D) to all of the above questions, your level of theological knowledge is suspiciously high. Nice try, but no luck sneaking in here, you bigot misogynist homophobe racist fundamentalist orthodox fascist!”

Nevertheless, in tribute to the multifarious benefits I have received from availing of this fine institutions’s programme of training, allow me to exercise my sacerdotal office by bestowing a benison upon you all:

To all the Patriarchs, Primates, Archbishops, Bishops, and other Local Ordinaries, who are in Loving Communion with the Apostolic See of Our Native and Beautiful Homeland located in the Barony of Decies Without Drum.

Venerable Brothers, Sisters and Other-Identified, We give you Our Greetings and Apostolic Blessing.

Given under Our hand at a location within County Waterford on this Sixteenth day of December in the Year of Our Lord Domini 2011 in the First Year of Our Priesthood as a Certified Catholic Priest (Incorporated).

carlDecember 16, 2011

You forgot part of the pitch:

“If you call to order in the next 20 minutes, you will be certified as an Episcopal priest at absolutely no extra charge. Episcopal priest certifications normally cost $4.95 but you can receive it ABSOLUTELY FREE if you act now.”

Offer void where prohibited.

carl

LaValletteDecember 16, 2011

From the website noted by: The Little Myrmidon
December 15, 2011:

“Announcing

a new, inclusive worship community
in the Roman Catholic tradition”

Under “who we are

“We believe that the fate of grown-ups is to live with ambiguity and tension, so we are not daunted by differences in points of view. Our intent is to try to create community based on the model we think best,to remain open to dialogue with people who espouse other models, and to keep focused on the Church’s mission.”

Pure and unadulterated TEC speak that any popess Schori,progressive TEC Bishop and official Convention document would be proud to proclaim and display!!

Just another vagante sideshow. IOW these ladies have started their own little church. The mainstream media rediscover that and universalism every few years.

Note that not only is WO impossible in the Catholic Church but there’s no popular support for it in the church, despite the liberals trying to push it for 40 years with women giving Communion and with altar girls. (Ignorant and/or non-attending Catholics saying ‘Yeah, maybe; sure, I believe in women’s rights’, going along with secular culture, is not a popular movement. Catholics know the church can’t change.)

enne and other women at Compassion of Christ recall “playing mass” when they were children and pretending to be priests. As young girls, they felt rejected that they could not be altar servers, let alone priests.

Seems like they are still “playing mass” and have not yet given up childish ways.

The Little MyrmidonDecember 16, 2011

Oh man, I was all set to send off my $39.95 to CCPI, but then I realized I might have to give up my Lexus. Can I become a Certified Catholic Priest™ and still keep my Lexus?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Paula LoughlinDecember 16, 2011

The Little Myrmidon, If you have a Lexus you will be upgraded to a Bishop. Please select your SEE from the enclosed brochure.

A Senior Priest,

I wonder if these womyn turned to playing priest when the local animal shelter put a kabosh on their cat adoptions.

Paula LoughlinDecember 16, 2011

Oh and I have always been certifiable, didn’t need to become a priest to know that.

I’m gonna frame my Certification and put it on the wall right next to my PhD in Nuclear Physics from the University of the Cayman Islands. Only $40! What a deal! And it’s so purty and makes me feel good! (/sarc)

Little Myrmidon, of course you can keep your Lexus – just make sure you join the proper religious order, as this joke from a collection compiled by a Real Live Jesuit demonstrates:

A man walked up to a Franciscan and a Jesuit and asked, “How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?”
The Franciscan asked “What’s a Mercedes Benz?”
The Jesuit asked “What’s a novena?”

Ed the RomanDecember 17, 2011

The Franciscans favorite grace:

“Blessed are you, Lord our God.
You fill us with the hope of your Son’s return on glory.
You nourish us with his light and call us to goodness.
Through our sharing in this meal,
May we always give you thanks and praise.
We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.”