Every night I go
through the same ritual. I get back from yet another
night's slaying, go straight to my room, close the door
and lie on my bed. And I lie in the darkness and the
silence staring at the ceiling. Sometimes I get some
sleep, but more often than not I'm still staring when
dawn starts to peek in through the curtains.

Late at night I can
almost convince myself that things are okay. There's no
light piercing in on my eyes, no raucous noise assaulting
my eardrums and, yeah, maybe the bed isn't as soft as I
might like, but it could be worse, I guess. These few
hours are precious to me because this is as good as my
life is ever going to get again.

But not tonight.

'Buffy, come see this!'

Dawn's high-pitched
wail cut through my mind with all the delicacy of a blunt
axe, but I was on my feet in moments and racing to my
sister's room. Tara had reached the door before me, one
hand holding her robe closed.

'Dawnie?' she asked in
a voice muffled by sleep, but which still scraped across
my senses like broken glass. 'What's wrong?'

Dawn was kneeling on
the bed and pointing out of the window.

'Look,' was all she
said.

'What's going on in
here?' Willow asked with a yawn.

I turned to regard her
standing in the doorway behind me, squinting as I looked
at the bright colours on the T-shirt that hung almost to
her knees.

'Out there,' Dawn
screeched. 'Hurry or you'll miss it.'

We all gathered around
the window to see what all the fuss was about.

A star was falling from
heaven.

It was travelling
slowly across the sky, a glint of white light against the
darkness, leaving a faint trail of pink and green in its
wake.

'It's almost close
enough to touch,' Willow breathed, her voice hushed in
awe.

'You think it might?'
Dawn asked, bouncing on the bed. 'That'd be so cool.'

The star disappeared
from sight.

'Do you think we ought
to take a look?' Tara suggested. 'Just in case. I mean,
you know what happened last time something fell from the
sky.'

'Don't remind me,'
Willow responded with a shudder.

'I'll go,' I said. 'You
guys get back to sleep.'

I started to leave the
room, but paused when I reached the door.

'Don't forget you've
got school tomorrow,' I told Dawn, hoping it sounded less
like the afterthought it was.

I hurried outside, glad
to get away from the others who would no doubt be up for
hours discussing what they had just seen. I didn't feel
much like hanging any more.

Bet you think I do
nothing, but whine, huh? Well, you try being yanked out
of Paradise. See how you like it.

* * *

There was a disused
quarry about twenty minutes out of town. A lake had
formed at the bottom of the pit. It was a popular student
hangout, but at this time of night there was no one about
except for me and an owl sitting in the branches of a
tree and scanning for mice.

I guessed that the
'star' had crashed around here. The hole in the side of
the tower overlooking the quarry pretty much confirmed
it. The wall had collapsed inwards and protruding from
beneath the grey bricks was a pale hand.

'Help me,' said a
voice.

I was on my knees,
digging amongst the rubble. The harsh stone tore at my
skin, the dirt built up beneath my fingernails and the
dust clogged by nose and throat, but soon I had managed
to uncover the tall figure. He had pale, grey-white skin,
with swept-back hair and hawk-like features. He was
wearing golden armour over a white robe. And he had two
great white wings sprouting from his shoulder-blades.

'Are you all right?' I
asked.

'Water,' the man
croaked.

I glanced around,
wondering where I could find water around here. Then I
remembered the lake.

I tried to climb down
the sides of the quarry, but lost my footing. I slid and
rolled down the sandy slope, the grit grazing my knees
and elbows and drawing blood. I came to a halt up to my
waist in cold, slimy, foul-smelling water. I didn't
swear, didn't say anything. I had come to expect this
from the world. I made sure my handkerchief was well and
truly sodden before climbing slowly back up to the top.

I paused at the lip of
the quarry. There was movement near the tower. A dozen
small black creatures were skittering across the damp
grass in the direction of the fallen man. Drawing a
stake, I padded slowly towards them.

The creatures looked
like spiders, only with far more legs and massive pincers
clacking together in front of them. I put a hand to my
face to shield myself from the odour of sour milk that
was making me gag.

The lead creatures
scuttled towards the fallen man, nipping at him with
their claws. The first drew blood - blue blood - from his
calf. The winged man tried to crawl back away from them,
but he was still too weak.

I made a decision and
dived to his aid.

The spiders scurried
away and I landed face down in the dirt.

The creatures now
decided that I was the more tempting target and began to
slash at me. Just my luck. One set of claws clamped down
on my hand and I could feel them digging beneath the
flesh of my palm. I screamed and smashed my stake down
upon the spider attached to my hand, smashing its shell
and drenching my hand in sour-smelling mucus.

Another spider clamped
down on my ankle. I kicked my leg out, trying to shake it
off. Two more were in my hair. I could feel their spindly
legs dancing on my scalp. I raised a hand to brush them
off only to find a fourth spider hanging from my little
finger, my blood dripping on to its glistening black
casing.

'Be gone, evil ones.'

Huh?

A harsh bright light
illuminated the area. I raised my head to see the winged
man propped up against the wall, a flaming sword in his
hands. He waved the sword in my direction. The flame
obviously upset the spiders because they scurried off of
me and disappeared into the woods.

Once they were gone, my
rescuer slumped back.

'And I thought I was
here to save you,' I remarked.

'You did,' the man
assured me. 'If you had not been here then I would surely
have been lost.'

'Who are you?' I asked.

'Zauriel,' he replied.

'What are you?'

'An angel,' Zauriel
informed me.

* * *

In my time I've
encountered vampires and werewolves, demons and fairies
and even a god. You might think that I would be more open
to the idea of angels. You would be wrong.

You see, when I think
of angels I think of Gabriel and I think of school
Nativity plays. I got to be a shepherd. When it came
round to her turn, Dawn was cast as Mary. I've always
resented her for that. Maybe that's where all our
problems spring from. Anyway, the point is that angels to
me are fictitious.

I don't believe in God.
Back when my parents were still together, we used to
attend church every week. I remember drawing pictures in
Sunday School. I found one of those pictures among Mom's
things the other day. It was of an angel, would you
believe. Church, though, was just something we did of a
Sunday. It never really meant anything to me. And once
Dad left us, well we stopped going and I can't say as I
ever missed it.

'You don't believe in
angels, do you?' Zauriel said.

My mouth fell open. I
was sure that I had not spoken out loud.

'You didn't,' Zauriel
assured me. 'I can read your aura. It comes as part of
the whole angelic package. You know, like the wings.'

I continued to look at
him sceptically.

'I would have thought
that you might have been a bit more open about this,'
Zauriel continued. 'After all, you have been to Heaven,
haven't you, Buffy.'

* * *

I should have turned
around and walked away. The wounds were still too fresh,
too raw. The last thing I needed was for someone to stand
there rubbing salt in them. But I needed to know. Needed
to know the answer to that question that had been keeping
me awake at night, every night since I had crawled my way
up out of my grave.

Why?

* * *

I sat down on top of
the pile of rubble. I didn't trust my legs to support me.

'How did you know?' I
asked.

'How do you think?'
Zauriel replied. 'I'm a member of the Heavenly Host. All
souls are an open book to me. Well, most of them. Just
between you and me, I'm still learning the ropes. That's
how I got stuck here.'

'Learning the ropes?'

'What, you think we're
born with instant angelic knowledge?' Zauriel continued.
'All new angels need to be trained in their office, same
as anyone else. Of course, most angels know better than
to pick fights with a succubus while flying back
upstairs.'

'Upstairs?' I asked,
perplexed.

'Sorry, that's what we
call it,' Zauriel said. 'Heaven, I mean.'

'Upstairs.'

'Yeah, I know, it's not
really up,' Zauriel agreed. 'It's more like sideways, but
it's just a name.'

'I was beginning to
wonder if it was real,' I admitted.

'Oh, it's real, all
right,' Zauriel said. 'The most beautiful place in all
existence, compared to which all other dimensions are
revolting and pain-filled. But you'd know all about that,
right?'

'Why can't I remember
it?' I asked. 'I try to picture it when I close my eyes,
but nothing comes. All I know is that I was happy there.'

'That's all you need to
know,' Zauriel replied. 'Human beings don't have the
frame of reference to describe Paradise. It's so far
beyond anything you might experience in this world.
Thats why you can't see it, because your mind isn't
built that way. But looks aren't important. What matters
is that it's a place where everyone can finally be happy.

'You know, I used to
think that sounded a bit twee. Seriously. I actually
laughed in my instructor's face when he explained it to
me. But then you see all these souls passing through
Heaven's gates and you see their reactions in the
presence of the Presence and you realise what it's all
about.'

'I'm sorry,' I said,
'but who or what is 'the Presence'.'

I made little air
quotes with my fingers. My way of saying I wasn't buying
any of this. Zauriel was unperturbed.

'Why, it's God, of
course, Buffy,' Zauriel answered simply.

I shook my head.

'I'm sorry, Zauriel,
but this is all way too weird for me.'

I got to my feet.

'But, Buffy.'

'Look, I don't even
believe in God, okay,' I told him. 'I just I just
can't deal with this right now.'

I felt Zauriel's hand
on my arm. It was cold. His grip was not restraining,
though, just comforting.

'I understand,' he
said. 'Listen, it's going to take me a few days to regain
enough strength to fly back. If you want to talk, I'll be
here.'

He released my arm and
I walked away without looking back.

* * *

I was back the next
night.

Zauriel was sitting
outside the tower polishing his armour in the moonlight.
His head was bowed and his eyes were closed.

The grass crunched
beneath my boots and Zauriel looked up suddenly.

'I'm sorry,' I said. 'I
didn't mean to interrupt. Go back to whatever you were
doing.'

'I was praying,'
Zauriel said.

'In that case, I can
definitely wait.'

I sat down,
cross-legged on the grass. The dew had brought out the
smell and the freshness filled my nostrils. Since coming
back, all smells had been harsh and offensive, but this
smelt different, sweet and pure.

Zauriel smiled and
shook his head.

'I am always praying,
Buffy,' Zauriel explained. 'Wherever I am, whatever I am
doing, I dedicate my work to the Presence. But I digress.
You wanted to ask me something. What is it?'

I hesitated.

'Go on,' Zauriel
prompted. 'There's just us here.'

'Is Mom in Heaven?' I
asked.

'Do you think she
deserves to be?' Zauriel replied.

I felt as if I had just
been kicked in the stomach.

'Look, just tell me,
okay,' I snapped. 'I don't want to play stupid games. I
know she didn't believe so if she's been kept out of
Heaven because of that then I want to know.'

'Do you?' Zauriel
demanded.

I looked away, unable
to answer.

I felt Zauriel's cold
hands on my shoulders.

'There's nothing to
worry about, Buffy,' he said. 'Your mother was a good
person. A great person. Of course she's in Heaven. What
she believed isn't nearly as important as what she did
and the same applies to you or to anyone else. Claiming
to believe in the Presence doesn't automatically make you
a good person and nor does not believing suddenly condemn
you. The Presence sees all and knows all and if you're
deserving then you get to spend the rest of eternity at
his side. It's that simple.'

'Thank you,' I said.
There was a moment's silence before I added, 'But '

'But why was she taken
when she was?' Zauriel asked. 'Have you any idea how many
times I get asked that question? The honest answer is, I
don't know. The Presence has a grand plan, but I've no
idea what it is.'

'And you're okay with
that?'

'It's called faith,
Buffy,' Zauriel replied. 'I trust in the Presence and in
his grand design and that's enough for me.'

'Well I don't know if
it's enough for me,' I responded.

Zauriel shrugged.

'Then I pity you,
Buffy,' he said.

'I'm still not happy
with the whole 'angel' thing, let alone trying to accept
'God',' I said.

Zauriel shook his head.

'You accept vampires
and demons as a basic part of your life,' he said. 'You
can accept a single evil entity that gave rise to all of
these.'

'Well, yeah, I
suppose,' I admitted.

'So how hard is it to
accept an entity that exists in opposition to that?'
Zauriel said. 'An entity of pure goodness? And wouldn't
that entity surround Himself with servants? And wouldn't
He nominate human champions of right? Slayers, for
example?'

'Please believe me,
that was not our choice, Buffy,' he explained, 'but we
cannot interfere with the actions of another human.'

* * *

He meant Willow. Willow
had been terrified. She had convinced herself that I was
trapped in a hell dimension, undergoing indescribably
icky torments. Nothing could have been further from the
truth, but she couldn't have known that. And I understand
that. Really, I do. But somehow it's still very difficult
to forgive the person who pulled me out of Heaven.

She's my best friend,
but every time I look at her I think of her casting that
spell that put an end to my happiness. And the worst of
it is that I can't even talk to her about it. Where am I
supposed to even start? And how would she react if she
did know? In spite of everything, she's still my best
friend and she deserves better than that.

We had broken into the
morgue to examine a body. Isobel Morrison had died under
suspicious circumstances and I needed to know that
suspicious didn't mean supernatural. You never could tell
in Sunnydale.

Willow stood lookout by
the door, shivering with arms wrapped round herself,
while I read the hand-written labels on the cabinets. A
ball of yellow light danced about Willow's hair,
illuminating the room. It was handy having a witch about.

I opened up the cabinet
I was interested in and examined the body. It was covered
in bloody scratches from head to toe. Bizarre, but not
obviously demonic. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Then I saw her cheek
move.

There was something
crawling around inside her mouth.

I reached over and
opened her jaw.

A spider-creature
jumped out and landed on my face, its pincers reaching
for my eyes.

Willow screamed.
Actually, we both did.

I grabbed the creature
with both hands and hurled it as far away from me as
possible. It struck the far wall with a wet crunch and
slid to the floor. Then it got back up and started
scurrying in my direction.

'Fire!' I shouted to
Willow. 'It doesn't like fire!'

'Ignatus,'
Willow said, pointing her finger at the spider. A stream
of flame leaped from her fingertip and boiled the monster
inside its shell. It rolled on to its back and its legs
waved feebly in the air for a few seconds and then it was
still.

* * *

'Those spider-things
are back,' I told Zauriel.

We were sitting on the
lip of the old quarry, watching the stars.

'I wish I could help,'
Zauriel replied, 'but I've no idea what they are. I'd
never seen them before they attacked me.'

'That's okay,' I
reassured him - me reassuring an angel - 'the gang has
got it covered. They're researching these beasties as we
speak.'

'But you're not
helping,' Zauriel said.

'I'm not big on
research,' I admitted. 'I'm the Slayer. They do the
brainy bit, then point me in the right direction and I'll
do the actual slaying.'

'Hey, I'm going through
much the same thing as you,' Zauriel responded. 'I know
what Heaven's like, too, and compared to that, this is
hell. How can the cries of birds compare to the music of
the seraphim or the light of the stars match the
welcoming glow of the Presence himself?'

'Yes, that's it
exactly,' I agreed. 'Everything here, and I do mean
everything, just grates. It's too loud or too bright
or too sour or too sharp or '

'I wish I'd never come
back,' I said. 'Or never seen Heaven. Spending an
eternity in a genuine hell would be preferable to this.'

'I know,' Zauriel
commiserated, 'and I'm sorry.'

'You're an angel, can't
you wipe my memory or something?' I asked.

'I'm afraid not.'

'There must be
something you can do.'

'Well,' Zauriel said,
'I could always take you back.'

'You can do that?' I
asked. 'Oh my God. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to '

'Don't worry about it,'
Zauriel replied laughing. 'I think we can let that slide.
Just this once.'

'But you can do it?' I
persisted.

'Well, I probably
shouldn't,' Zauriel said with a wink, 'but I suspect I'll
be forgiven. The Presence is good at that.'

* * *

'Tara,' I asked over
breakfast, 'what was it like when I was dead?'

Tara paused, her spoon
halfway to her mouth. She put it down and folded her
hands.

'It was difficult,' she
said at last.

'But you coped,' I
said. 'Dawn was okay.'

'Nobody was okay,' Tara
insisted. 'How could we be?'

'But you took care of
Dawn, you and Willow,' I persisted, 'even though I wasn't
here.'

'If you're worried we
let Dawn slip on her schoolwork, we tried our best,' Tara
said defensively. 'Willow tried tutoring her, but neither
of us knows how to raise a child, Buffy. If you've got
another letter from the principal '

'No,' I said hurriedly.
'No, it's nothing like that. I think you guys did a great
job.'

We ate in silence for a
few minutes.

'And what about the
slaying?' I asked suddenly.

'Buffy?'

'I'm serious,' I said.
'How did the slaying go without the Slayer?'

'Well, we're obviously
not as good as you,' Tara said, 'but I think we did okay.
Willow made a great field commander...is that the word?'

'Willow was take charge
girl, eh?' I said. 'And you had Spike helping out.
Between his strength and your and Willow's magic you
can't have done too badly.'

'I guess,' Tara
admitted reluctantly.

'And it's not as if I
came back to a town overrun with demons,' I said. 'Well,
excluding the demons that were overrunning the town. You
know what I mean.'

'Buffy, what's brought
this on,' Tara asked, her face a picture of concern.

We held each other
close for several minutes before I felt able to let her
go. The three of them watched me as I crossed to the door
and opened it. I paused and turned back.

'Goodbye,' I said.

I closed the door
behind me on my way out.

* * *

Tara finished lighting
the candles and stepped inside the circle to join Willow.
The girls joined hands and began to chant. Blue smoke
began to rise from the candle flames, joining to form a
single stream that trailed towards the door and out
through the keyhole.

But she did not have
time to finish before the windows caved in under the
weight of the attacking spiders.

* * *

I heard the breaking
glass as I hurried back up the hill. I tried to tell
myself that it was part of the spell, that Willow had
everything under control, that everyone was going to be
safe.

I turned and ran back
the way I had come.

* * *

Dawn was screaming.
Three spiders were in her hair and they were climbing
down her forehead and across her face in the direction of
her open mouth. I vaulted across the counter, grabbed the
spider and threw it to the floor, stamping on it.

Tara had clambered up
the steps by the bookcases and was using a large volume
to whack any spiders that tried to climb after her.
Willow was still inside the circle trying to repair the
spell. As if realising that she was the greatest threat,
the spiders converged on her and sprang. She was knocked
to the ground and the spiders began to tear at her skin
and hair and clothing. I froze as I watched the woman who
had condemned me to hell getting eaten alive, as my best
friend got eaten alive.

'Buffy, catch!'

I looked up just in
time to catch the broom Dawn threw at me. She was holding
one of her own and together we beat the spiders from
Willow's body.

'Get her out of the
circle,' Tara ordered.

Dawn and I grabbed one
arm each and dragged her away from the chalk symbols.

Tara ran forward,
snatching an item from the counter and snapping it in the
centre of the circle. She dropped both halves and then
stepped away. The blue smoke began to turn green and the
spiders stopped. They rose up on their back legs as if
sniffing the air. Then they turned and ran to the circle,
converging in one writhing black mass within the chalk
confines.

'Ignatus!' Tara
cried and all of the spiders burst into flame.

'Did we get them?'
Willow asked weakly.

I squeezed her tightly
in my arms.

'I thought I'd lost
you,' I said.

'Funny,' Willow
replied. 'I was going to say the same.'

* * *

I ran like I had never
run before. My lungs heaved and my gut was on fire. My
head was spinning and I was keeping myself upright by
sheer willpower alone, but there was the tower ahead of
me, almost close enough to touch. I sprinted up the hill
and through the hole the fallen angel had made in the
tower wall.