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Hey Shadow! I understand there are ALOT of mistakes, but that is just because this chapter was VERY rushed. And this fanfic is influenced both by the games and anime, but mostly the anime. The reason I put the whole 'low leveled' thing in was to show how weak Zubat is. I actually didn't mean the numerical levels in the games, I meant low leveled experience wise. If you are a private in the army, you arelow leveled.

I understand there are ALOT of mistakes, but that is just because this chapter was VERY rushed

That's no excuse for mistakes. If I were you, I would use every single error above and fix it. And, no chapter should be rushed because you should reread every chapter to make sure it flows correctly before posting immediately.

I personally don't do line by line reviews, only things that don't make the paragraph flow or things like names being mixed up and writing style, but when someone reviews like Shadow Lucario does, why wouldn't you want to take that in and use it to your advantage?

If you're a private in the army, you may have a ton of experience but have a low level, so that's a terrible analogy. Not every private can advance to be a lieutenant, so after a battle they fight in they won't necessarily rank up, but they have gained experience from a battle.

That's no excuse for mistakes. If I were you, I would use every single error above and fix it. And, no chapter should be rushed because you should reread every chapter to make sure it flows correctly before posting immediately.

I personally don't do line by line reviews, only things that don't make the paragraph flow or things like names being mixed up and writing style, but when someone reviews like Shadow Lucario does, why wouldn't you want to take that in and use it to your advantage?

If you're a private in the army, you may have a ton of experience but have a low level, so that's a terrible analogy. Not every private can advance to be a lieutenant, so after a battle they fight in they won't necessarily rank up, but they have gained experience from a battle.

I never said that I didn't correct it. And Idrc if you don't like the analogy. lol

Linoone or Mightyena? I asked myself in my head. It doesn’t matter! I concluded, throwing out a random Pokeball.

Out of the red and white sphere emerged my blacked furred friend, Mightyena, with a strong look of anxiousness to battle on his face.

“Good choice,” LJ said. “If he’s anything like he was as a Poochyena, this should be a great battle.”

“Oh, he’s BETTER,” I confidently retorted.

“Let’s just see about that,” LJ turned to his Flaaffy. “Flaaffy, use Take Down!”

Flaaffy bent forward and began to charge at Mightyena head first.

“Mightyena, dodge, and counter with Snarl!”

Mightyena jumped straight over the Sheep Pokemon, and opened his mouth. He began to growl, and then shot a purple sound wave at his opponent. The attack hit Flaaffy directly, and threw it back a few feet.

‘Flaaffy, get back up and use Cotton Spore!”

Flaaffy picked itself up, and the wool on its head and neck began to grow green. It then took a step in Mightyena’s direction, and the wool started to detach and float towards Mightyena. When it touched Mightyena, it stayed on his fur for a few seconds, then dissolved. Mightyena began to glow with the same red glow as Zubat and Swablu did.

“Mightyena, use Fire Fang!”

He started to sluggishly strut towards Flaaffy.

“What?” I said, astonished.

“Cotton Spore lowers the Speed of the Pokemon it is used on,” He said smugly. “You’re welcome.”

I was about to command a new attack but, suddenly, Mightyena perked up like a Patrat and sat down, completely losing its look of competitiveness. I knew that something important was going on.

“Everybody STOP!” I yelled out. My siblings and friend and all their Pokemon stopped battling and looked straight at me.

“Mightyena hears something!” I explained. “Something’s going down.”

Out of nowhere, Liam’s Growlithe did the same as Mightyena.

We wait in silence for about 10 seconds, when we hear it too. A police siren blasts through the air. After a couple more seconds, a blue and white Agtosu Police Department car rounded my street corner, and pulled up in front of where we were battling. Two officers emerged from the vehicle. One was a forty-something year old man, who looked like a veteran cop. He had short brown hair that just poked out from under his hat. The other, a rookie police officer, came out of the passenger door. He looked to be in his early twenties, with decently long blonde hair.

“You kids need to go inside. NOW.” The older officer said. His name tag read his last name, Keegan.

“May I ask why, officer?” Liam quizzingly asked.

Officer Keegan sighed and looked to his partner. The young man stepped forward.

“The nearby Fighting Dojo has been robbed. The perp was said to be a teenager, not much older than you kid,” he said, pointing at me. “The senseis at the Dojo said he was armed.”

“Whoa,” I said aloud. “Wh- what did he take?”

“He just took a Pokemon. A Tyrogue, to be exact. The Dojo uses them to train their students.”

“Now you HAVE to get inside.” Keegan said. “If you have any further questions, turn on the news.” He turned to his partner. “Let’s roll, O’Neil.”

As we walked inside to my house, the two officers drove away, to warn more civilians.

“Mom, Dad! Turn on the news!” Ciara yelled out to my parents.

We walked into the TV room, where my parents were sitting. After a thorough search for the TV remote, my mom switched it to Channel 6 news.

“A normal day of training in Agtosu’s Fighting Dojo turned hectic today when a teenage boy held them up today,” The newswoman blabbed. “The boy bluffed carrying a weapon by using a water pistol. He stole a Tyrogue, and then fled the scene. Here is an artist rendition of the boy.”

As she said that, a picture of a familiar face appeared on the screen. When I saw it, my heart almost stopped. I looked at Ciara, and she looked back at me.

“I know that kid!” I screamed out. “That’s the thug that tried to steal Ciara’s Pokemon!”

Everybody in the room went speechless.

“You have to tell the police!” LJ exclaimed.

“No. That really won’t help. The police seem to be doing a good job on their own," my dad replied. "Let's just get our minds off of it."

He switched the channel to a documentary about the Unova region. It was actually really interesting! You see, Unova has always been a region with its own set of unique Pokemon. Pokemon from other regions are few and rare. But, in the last two years, the Unova League has grown in popularity. Trainers worldwide have started traveling to Unova to take it on. And along with them, they bring their Pokemon. The problem is, once they are there, they keep getting defeated by the Champion, Alder. But real Trainers don’t back down. They stay there for as long as it takes. So these trainers stay there for years. And while they are training, their Pokemon meet others of their species and kind of.... mass reproduce. So Unova has all these strong Pokemon being brought over, like Aggron, Flygon, Arcanine, and Lucario, and their young are now settling throughout Unova. In places like the Desert Resort, Trapinch and Sandshrew are now mixed in with the native Pokemon like Dwebble and Maractus. I found it pretty cool.

After the documentary ended, I turned to my family (and Liam) and asked the question that’s been racing through my mind the whole day.

“So, I am going on my journey tomorrow...,” I started awkwardly. “Where should I go first?”

“Well, Conor, with this whole news story, I am not too comfortable with you going on your journey alone,” my dad said sternly

My heart broke. I looked around the room. You could see the shock on everybody’s faces, except Liam, who was texting away on his cell phone.

I was speechless. I didn’t know how to respond.

“I mean, why don’t you just come and intern with me at the Pokemon League?” my father offered.

“I don’t want to intern at the Pokemon League!” I snapped back. “I want to go on my journey!”

The whole room went silent, when suddenly, a pre-recorded bark of a Growlithe filled the soundless room. It was Liam’s ringtone.

“Uhh... Mike, my parents okayed me going on the journey with Conor.”

My face began to glow with happiness. I knew that my dad had the utmost respect for Liam’s father. A former firefighter, he has since used his Water type Pokemon to claim himself a permanent spot in the Elite Four, working alongside my dad. His Blastoise’s Hydro Cannon could even do a good deal of damage on Arceus himself, my father tells me.

My dad sat in silence for a minute.

“Two people? I mean, getting a third would be better...”

“I’ll go,” LJ said quietly from the corner. “I really want to take on the gyms...”

Again, my father sat without uttering a word.

“I’ll okay it,” he said. “But you HAVE to promise to be safe, and NOT get into any trouble.”

“Oh, I promise sir!” I said, filled with glee. “Thank you so much!”

“You’re welcome Conor. As to where you should go first, I’d say to go to Uirbeacha City. It’s the biggest city in all of Rentoh. I’m pretty certain that the gym leader is new. I just don’t know what type they specialize in.”

“That doesn’t matter to me!” I cried out.

“There are a few dozen gyms in all of Rentoh,” he explained. “You only have to win at eight of them, and you already have one badge. Seven more to go.”

“Yes sir!” I said, so excited I felt like I was about to explode like a Voltorb.

“Oh, and also, when you get to Uirbeacha, be sure to visit Professor Cedar. He’s an old acquaintance of mine. He will also store any Pokemon you don’t have room for in your party at his laboratory.”

“Will do Dad!” I said, hugging him tight.

“Now you should go to sleep. You have a big journey ahead of you tomorrow.”

We walked Liam home, talking about the adventures that await us, and then walked home, got into bed, and fell right asleep.

Honestly, do we have to correct him about EVERY little mistake. I mean afterall this isn't school. He shouldn't have to be pressured over simple grammar errors.

To some people, like myself, those little errors are very bothersome. It doesn't matter if this is school or not. You should strive to make your chapter to be the best it can be and without mistakes. Smaller errors, if left unchecked, could lead to bigger errors. And not only that, but since he made the conscious decision of posting his work on a public forum, he made himself subject to any and all forms of review. You have the right to review however you want as do I and everyone else.

Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

Originally Posted by Sidewinder

While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

He sat in silence for a couple seconds, processing what I just told him.

“So... there’s no beach?” he asked, hoping he was wrong.

“Nope.”

“Darn it!” he exclaimed. “Well, time to change back!”

He trotted out of the room, leaving me behind, hysterically laughing.

I walked over to my closet, and took out a Trainer bag. It was an all blue, two strap backpack, with a sewn on picture of a Pokeball. It had probably a dozen pockets, and I intended to use each and every one. The first thing I decided to pack was my clothes. I opened my dresser, and took out shirts, shorts, socks, a bathing suit, and a few sweatshirts, and packed them in my bag. Next, I dumped a bunch of Pokeballs and Greatballs into the bag, followed a downpour of Potions and various Pokemon medicines, such as Antidotes and Burn Heals. Finally, I took the Trainer’s Tent I got last Christmas out of my closet, and put it inside of my bag. A Trainer’s Tent is an essential tool for every aspiring Pokemon Master! This collapsable tent is easy to set up and take down, taking only about 30 seconds. Also, inside is an overhead bulb for a bit of light after the sun sets, a pocket on the side to hold your Pokeballs, and a built in pillow and sleeping bag. This thing will be my home for my entire journey.

I ran downstairs, with my bag on my bag. It was actually lighter then I expected. But I’m not complaining!

All of a sudden, there was a knock at the door. I opened it, and in came Liam, as dressed and as packed as I was. Hooked onto his belt, his three Pokeballs were close to hand, just in case of an emergency. He’s always been a cautious guy.

We sat and talked for a few minutes, while we waited for my brother to finish packing. After ten minutes or so, he came running down the stairs with a grin from ear to ear.

Put me on the PM list! Review in a few haven't read yet. Just saw the last post so :/ one sec

EDIT:

I ran downstairs, with my bag on my bag. It was actually lighter then I expected. But I’m not complaining!

Huh? Bag on my bag? Light then I expected and not complaining? Im confused.

AWESOME CHAPTER! Very ah, realistic in a sense. Other than that one mistake above, nothing major. LOL Loved the entering route 1 thing, and it showed a lot of descriptions. Inspiring! Great work and keep it up!

So there wasn't a lot to this chapter. It was very short and not exactly descriptive. It was mostly dialogue and even that was lacking. The most description you gave on something was a tent. Instead of having this be a standalone chapter, this could have easily been just the beginning. There were a few things that I did not find too appealing.

“Hold up!” I yelled out. An idea had just dawned on me. “Guys, how about we release all of Pokemon out of their Pokeballs, and have them walk the first steps of the journey together!”

This wasn't too much different than what happened in Black/White. Is your fan fiction just going to be the plot of those games? What's going to set it apart? Right now there isn't much of a plot and it's already been thirteen chapters. Is this what it's going to be like the entire time you're writing this?

Before we knew it, we reached Route 1.

This is very lazy writing. You could have described what was going on as they left, who they saw, if anyone said goodbye, when they left the house. It disappoints me to see you not try and flesh out your story and characters by opting to say, "Oh and they got here." What was the weather like? Were there any people out and about, did they see any Pokemon on the way?

After ten minutes or so, he came running down the stairs with a grin from ear to ear.

Here's another example of it earlier on in the chapter. You could have at least described what they were talking about a little bit. In this situation it's not entirely necessary, but it could have given us more insight on both characters.

That's about it from me. Like I said, it was a short chapter. If this is what every chapter will be like then I don't know if I can continue reading. There's a lot to work on such as your plot, if there is one, characters, and description. Until next time.

Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

Originally Posted by Sidewinder

While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

This wasn't too much different than what happened in Black/White. Is your fan fiction just going to be the plot of those games? What's going to set it apart? Right now there isn't much of a plot and it's already been thirteen chapters. Is this what it's going to be like the entire time you're writing this?

I have to disagree with this part. There's definitely a plot, it's just not organized. Several characters have been entered into the plot-line and they've also been introduced. He's also earned his first gym badge. There's a goal trapped behind a cage of words; he doesn't say it directly or that would be lazy writing.

I agree somewhat... But there isn't no plot, the plot just needs some work.

Yes, I agree with ysmr. I looked at a certain form rules and this is what I saw:

if you are a reader, it is always nice and courteous if you post saying that you are reading the fic, and say what you like, what you dislike and what you think can be better. Writers always like to hear that people are reading their stories, and it’s nice to let them know

Reviewers must respect writers
A reviewer is a person who reviews fics. A review is generally a post that goes into a bit more detail talking about the fic, stating what they liked and disliked, what was done well, what was not done well and what can be improved on in the future. This is what is expected of reviewers:
understand that not everyone takes reviews well for different reasons. In some cases, other members may misinterpret a review as a flame
therefore do not be incredibly harsh or be mean on purposedo not flame or bash a writer in any way, shape or form for any reason
all comments should be backed up by evidence. For instance, if you say “your description was poor,” provide an example, explain how it was poor and what can be done to improve it
try to help the writer improve by pointing these things out and kindly offer advice on how to get better
do not expect a writer to completely change or improve overnight; this process is long and difficult for many, so reviewers should be patient and willing to still offer advice and help over time

Also, your story is great. I like how you handle most of the battles and love the evolutions. The fact that it wasn't a gym battle was excellent. Just one small thing, try to avoid having 2 page chapters.

To joey1234, my reviews do not break any of the rules you bolded. But I'd like to point out this part of the rules:

Originally Posted by The Fan Fiction Rules

Reviewers must respect reviewers
Not everyone has the same thoughts or opinions on something, so they may conflict in some cases.
be aware that two reviewers can say two totally different things and both can be right or both can be wrong
no reviewer should act like what they say is better than what another said (without good reason)
do not start flame wars because of disagreements or conflicting opinions
do not tell a writer to ignore another reviewer unless the reviewer has said something wrong, offered extremely bad advice, etc.
respect each other’s opinions and way or reviewing

Readers must respect reviewers
understand that reviewers are only trying to help the writer out and are not purposely trying to sound mean
do not tell a writer to ignore someone unless the reviewer has said something wrong or offered extremely bad advice (and so on)

Last edited by Shadow Lucario; 18th April 2013 at 8:56 PM.

Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

Originally Posted by Sidewinder

While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

I cupped my hand over my eyes to block the bright shining sun, rising over the eastern side Route One. A tan dirt path paved the way to Uirbeacha City, a beautiful metropolis that I could faintly see in the distance. Bunches of knee high grass were dotted along the route, and every few minutes, a Rattata or a Sandshrew darted out, scurried around, searched for some food, and ran back in.

“Wow, I can’t believe we are doing this,” said Liam, in awe.

“I know,” I replied back. “I can’t tell you how many years I’ve been dreaming for this...”

All of a sudden, as we walked down the Route, I flashed back to the day I met my Starter Pokemon, Ziggy and Poochie. It was about a week after I met the breeder who gave me my eggs, and I was messing around with the two Pokeballs I was to put my two new Pokemon in. I was growing impatient. See, most professional breeders have Eggubators. They are special incubators for Pokemon Eggs, so they can hatch faster. Well, we didn’t have one. So, I kinda made a makeshift one out of my comforter and some brand name Darumaka Handwarmers from the dollar store in town. Well, I just sat there, juggling the Pokeballs, throwing them in the air and catching them, and rolling them in between my fingers, when I heard a loud cracking sound. Excited, I turned my head almost at light speed to the eggs, but they were completely untouched. Then, I heard it again, and this time, I noticed it was coming from outside. So, I went downstairs, and walked out the back door to investigate. I looked everywhere, but couldn’t find anything. Then, I heard it again. I waited a few seconds, and heard it again, this time a bit louder. I looked around the yard, and walked towards my father's training field. There, I saw him throwing stones to his Machamp, and Machamp Karate Chopping them in half with a loud crack. I sighed, turned around, and walked back into my room. I sat back down, and started playing with the two Pokeballs, when I almost had a heart attack. Laying on the floor was a jumbled comforter, and large egg shells stuck inside. No Pokemon.

Suddenly, I was shaken out of my flashback by Liam, asking me if I wanted a water. I looked around, we were already halfway to Uirbeacha! It was astounding!

“Yes please,” I replied, still shocked about how much ground we covered while I had daydreamed.

I took a small sip of water, which turned into downing the whole bottle. I guess I was thirsty. Another thing I didn’t notice.

“Well, I want to win all eight badges, and hopefully win the Rentoh League... What about you guys?”

They both did the same as I, and thought for a few seconds.

“Well, I’ve always been interested in Shiny Pokemon,” Liam answered. “I want to collect some, and research what makes them that way. Is it magic, is it science? Who knows!”

We both stared at LJ.

“Well, to be honest, I didn’t really want to take on the gyms like I told Dad,” LJ revealed. “I just saw that you weren’t allowed to go with this Luke guy on the loose, so I made it up. I want to get more experience as a trainer, and then take it from there.”

“Wow,” I said, gaining a new respect for my younger brother. He may only be twelve, but he was as wise as me. “Thank you. That really means so much to me.”

“Please don’t mention it. It really works out for me. I get to travel the region with my best friend, brother, and Pokemon. What could be better?”

“Hey, I have another question,” said Liam.

“Shoot.”

“What’s your favorite thing about Pokemon?”

“Oh that’s easy!” LJ cried out. “I like playing games with mine. The looks on their faces while we play soccer are priceless.”

“Haha, thats a good one,” replied Liam. “I love the loyalty of your Pokemon. They’re always there for their trainer, no matter what.”

They both looked at me for my answer. Again, I pondered it a bit. But, I quickly came to my decision.
“Those are both great choice guys, but I have to say I love battling the best. I love the connection you feel between you and your Pokemon during a good battle. You can almost read each others minds.”

I stood there, satisfied with my thoughtful response. But, I was a little shocked when it was greeted with uncontrollable laughter.

“Haha! Here’s Conor, the Pokemon psychic!” mocked Liam.

“Haha yeah! You’re just like that psycho on the news who they just locked away in that mental institution! He said he could talk to Pokemon, and hear their thoughts! What was his name again?”

“N,” I replied sternly, my face turning a bright red color.

“Even his NAME is psycho!”

God, I was embarrassed. I hate being called out. I didn’t say another word the whole way to Uirbeacha. I just walked a few steps ahead, while they kept laughing and cracking jokes about N being my long lost brother. They were my closest friends, but they sure could be jerks.

For the rest of the walk, I just enjoyed the scenery. It was about 12 o’clock, and we had been walking for a good two and a half hours. I watched as a young trainer and his Rattata battled another trainer and his Magikarp. After his Rattata’s easy victory, the annoyingly peppy trainer exclaimed, “Yes! My Rattata’s in the TOP percentage.” I didn’t even know this kid, but I borderline hated him.

After another 15 minutes or so, we reached the gate to Uirbeacha. We began to walk through, but suddenly, a voice screamed at us.

“HALT!” it cried. “Put your hands up, and any weapons and/or Pokeballs on the ground.”

We all threw our hands into the air, and put all of our Pokeballs on the ground.

I turned to see three policemen with their guns drawn, and their partner Herdiers snarling, ready to attack at any moment.

“You fit the description of a wanted suspect, sir,” one barked, pointing at me. “Teenage boy, brown hair, about six feet tall. Please come with us.”

I cupped my hand over my eyes to block the bright shining sun, rising over east Route One.

This might sound better if it was written as the eastern side of Route One. Just a suggestion. Your choice if you want to switch it or not.

A tan dirt path paved the way to Uirbeacha City

I always say this wrong in my head. I know it. Gah!

Well, we don’t have one.

Since it's a flashback (sort of) this should be didn't.

I looked around the yard, and walked towards my fathers training field.

Since this is possessive you need an apostrophe after the r.

I looked around, we were already halfway to Uirbeacha!

Once again, I said it wrong. I'm gonna die reading this. ;_;

I replied, still shocked about how ground we covered while I had daydreamed.

Typing too fast will make you accidentally omit some words. You forgot much after how.

They’re always there for their trainer, no matter what.”

I love your use of there/they're/their in this sentence because you're essentially sticking your tongue out at the people that don't know how to use them correctly. Great job!

What was his named again?”

Just drop the d.

God, I was embarrassed. I hate being called out.

I think you mean Arceus. Ha! See what I did? Whoo! Oh man. I crack myself up.

I watched as a Young trainer and his Rattata battled another trainer and his Magikarp.

No capitalization needed.

After his Rattata’s easy victory, the annoyingly peppy trainer exclaimed “Yes! My Rattata’s in the TOP percentage.”

I love your reference to Youngster Joey, possibly the most hated trainer in existence. One thing though. A comma is needed after exclaimed. It's just as if you had put said there.

Even though it was short, I somewhat enjoyed this chapter. We got to see what everyone's intentions were on the journey. Not too many mistakes here. Just some minor stuff that can be easily fixed. Next chapter should have a super special awesome description of the city. Looks like Conor is going to be taken downtown. Poor guy. He didn't even get a chance to defend himself. Hopefully he can get out of this situation without having to get himself in trouble. Until next time.

Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

Originally Posted by Sidewinder

While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

I love your use of there/they're/their in this sentence because you're essentially sticking your tongue out at the people that don't know how to use them correctly. Great job!

Haha thank you! I too hate those who don't know how to use them.

I love your reference to Youngster Joey, possibly the most hated trainer in existence.

Lol thank you. I too am on the hatred of Joey bandwagon. Since not much happened in this chapter, I thought I'd throw in references to other regions, just to show that my fan fic isn't independant, it takes place in the same Pokemon world.

Even though it was short, I somewhat enjoyed this chapter. We got to see what everyone's intentions were on the journey. Not too many mistakes here. Just some minor stuff that can be easily fixed. Next chapter should have a super special awesome description of the city. Looks like Conor is going to be taken downtown. Poor guy. He didn't even get a chance to defend himself. Hopefully he can get out of this situation without having to get himself in trouble.

Haha thank you. This next chapter may be a challenge to write, but I am confident in my writing. I also don't want to bring Luke back for a bit, but I wanted to add Conor being mistaken as him as a tool to keep him in the readers minds, so they know he still has not been caught. Thank you for the critique