Roger that. Och, look at sweat pants guy. This is a ninety million dollar aircraft, not a Tallahassee strip club. Stewart, 21-18 that guy.

Stewart:

Excuse me, Mr. Sweat Pants? We're going to need to check that bag.

Carol:

And that is Sky Law.

Dave:

Hey. Going to Raleigh for a business meeting. I'm a business man. I'm not an Air Marshal.

Carol:

[over intercom] Good afternoon, folks, this is Captain Burnett from the flight deck. There's some traffic on the runway, should be about a half hour and then we'll have you on your way, so sit back, relax, enjoy your flight, thanks for choosing Air Bike.

Liz:

[to seat-mate, Thomas] The pilot is my boyfriend, so if you have any questions during the flight, maybe I could- There's a man on the wing! [laughs] We haven't taken off yet. It's just a mechanic.

Baby Time!

Bellboy:

And this is the Prime Minister Suite.

Jack:

Oh, there it is. The Metro Toronto Convention Center, site of the G8 Summit. Let's do it on the balcony.

Avery:

You might have to start without me.

Jack:

No problem.

Bellboy:

Well, if you need anything else-

Avery:

[grabs bellboy's hand and screams]

Bellboy:

Oh! God! You're breaking the extra bone all Canadians have in their hands!

Avery:

Oooo, Jack! I think the baby's coming!

Jack:

What?! You're not due until March. Why did I buy a beryllium mine if her birthstone's not going to be aquamarine.

Avery:

We need to get to the airport.

Jack:

Airport? We need to get you to a hospital.

Avery:

No, we can't go to a hospital. This is Canada! If she's born here...

Jack:

Good God! She'll be Canadian.

Avery:

At the risk of sounding incredibly rude, I would beg your pardon and ask you, in your opinion. What's so bad about being Canadian? [pronounced "What's so bod aboot being Canadian?"]

Jack:

Your milk comes in bags. Bags.

Avery:

Your pavilion at Epcot doesn't have a ride!

Jack:

And if Canada is so nice and friendly, why does most of our meth come from YOUR Asian drug gangs?

Avery:

[gasps] Are we not even making our own meth? What is happening to American manufacturing?!

Jack:

Take our things downstairs and give us a car to the airport.

Avery:

Oh my God, Jack. If our child is born here she can't be President!

Jack:

Don't even say it! We're having an American, and she WILL be President, no matter how ridiculous that sentence sounds.

Avery:

If only we were in Kenya right now, we'd be fine. [laughs with Jack, then gasps and starts choking him]

Jack:

[strangled] If this is helping you, I'm fine.

Tracy's Nightmare Begins

Administrator:

And in conclusion, bless you, Tracy Jordan. Your gripping portrayal of DeJefferey La Cecida in Hard to Watch has given a voice to the voiceless: America's poor. [audience applauds]

Tracy:

I'm not scared of you people, and I don't think those cashews look like a bowl of baby penises. Being a EGOT is fun! Here's to me spending the rest of my life in rooms like this! [audience applauds]

Passengers Grow Restless

Thomas:

Didn't they say half an hour over an hour ago?

Stewart:

Excuse me, while we're waiting to take off we're going to go ahead and begin our in-flight entertainment which is the feature film Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole. And some NBC sitcoms that didn't make the schedule. [passengers moan]

TV:

We have to find the guardians, Eglantine.

Liz:

Hey.

Carol:

Hey, Lizzie, everything okay?

Liz:

People are starting to get a little antsy back there.

Carol:

Yeah, it's going to be about another half hour.

Liz:

Really? Because I checked Flight Tracker on my phone, and our status is just an angry red frowny face.

Carol:

Kay, you want to know a little pilot secret besides the fact that we get a discount at Sunglass Hut? The "half hour" thing, it's a trick. It's enough time so that people know they're going to have to wait, but it doesn't upset them.

Liz:

So you're just... lying? That's not right, we're paying customers.

Carol:

Look, Liz, we have reasons for doing things the way that we do them. We say "half an hour" to control the herds of walking mozzarella sticks who think that three hundred dollars and a photo ID gives them the right to fly through the air like one of the guardian owls of legend! God, that's been our in-flight movie for months.

Liz:

I just think it's frustrating for people to know that they're being lied to.

Carol:

Maybe you just want to fly the plane yourself. Well good like pressing Take Off, then Autopilot, then Land!

Liz:

Okay! This is obviously a tense situation for you, I didn't mean to make it worse. Just do what you need to do and we'll get where we're going.

Carol:

Uh huh. Nags Head.

TV:

Oh no, Soren. It's metal-beak! You have to stay awake, Eglantine, or the pure ones will moon blink us!

Carol:

[mouths along with the movie's dialogue]

Liz:

[to Thomas] About half an hour.

Baby Panic

Avery:

Canada!

Jack:

Every flight is cancelled.

Avery:

No!

Jack:

I called the concierge service with my Amex Invisible Card. There are no rental cars. The trains and buses are sold out.

Avery:

Well how far is the border? Maybe we can run!

Jack:

I don't know. When I asked the lady at the desk she told me in kilometers!

Jack:

Look, Avery. You and I are cut from the same cloth. It's one of the reasons we work so well, and why we're unbeatable at a three-legged race.

Avery:

Oh, we RUINED those kids' field day.

Jack:

But being similar has its drawbacks. It's a, uh... [simultaneously with Avery] Double-edged sword.

Avery:

[simultaneously with Jack] Double-edged sword.

Jack:

[simultaneously with Avery] Double-edged sword.

Jack:

So could our shared patriotism and our refusal to ever give up be, in this situation, a bad thing?

Avery:

What are you saying, Jack?

Jack:

Avery, maybe it isn't the end of the world if our daughter is Canadian. Alexander Hamilton was born in the West Indies, and he went on to-

Avery:

To what, Jack? Be a mouthpiece for federalism and then die in a duel against someone named Aaron?! Is that what you want our daughter to be? A big government... dual loser? [shakes her head with Jack]

Jack:

[shakes his head with Avery] [next scene: both of them on a snowy road, hitchhiking to the USA]

Heads Butt

Liz:

[to the sound of crying babies] Where did all those babies come from?

Dave:

Good God, they've restarted the failed NBC shows? Oh no, please, no, not Gals on the Town again.

TV:

[theme song] Love and friendship, having it all, or maybe just a great pair of shoes. One of them has to be Asian, can they be good at their jobs?

Kate:

Those bathrooms are disgusting! Someone has to do something1

Thomas:

Please, do something! You said you knew the captain.

Liz:

All right. You know what? This wrong. I can see the terminal from my window, where people are buying new magazines and crossing their legs, and eating at a Chili's Express. We were like them once and we can be again.

Kate:

But we're just airplane folk now.

Liz:

No, we still have our dignity. Maybe we can't go back to the terminal, but I know Captain Burnett. He is a reasonable person. He compromises readily on movie choices and.. sexual positions. If we as a group can decide what reasonable things we want, I'd be happy to talk to him. [passengers cheer]

Carol:

Okay I can't turn the air on because I'd have to power the engines up. That wastes fuel. I'm assuming you don't want to stop for gas in the middle of the ocean.

Liz:

Okay, what about the bathrooms?

Carol:

Stewart did not study dance at Carnegie Mellon so become a flight attendant to clean bathrooms.

Liz:

Well at least give us some food.

Carol:

Negative. Those potato chip bags are designed to be opened in-flight. You open them at sea level, somebody could be killed.

Liz:

And can you tell me when we might be in the air, Captain?

Carol:

Sure. In about a half an hour!

Liz:

Okay, Carol. You have a decision to make. Are your passengers just cattle, or are some of them, maybe even just one of them, someone you care about.

Carol:

I think you need to make a decision. Am I just another authority figure that you're taking one of your stands against like that police horse you yelled at?

Liz:

If I can't poop in the street why should my tax dollars pay for someone else to?

Carol:

Or am I your boyfriend who you're going to let do his job?

Liz:

Really? If this if you doing your job, you're terrible at it! [silence]

Carol:

[slowly reaches for button]

Liz:

Think about what you're doing. You're making a choice here. I'm not just a passenger!

Carol:

[pushes button]

Liz:

[gasps]

Stewart:

And the Captain has turned on the "Fasten Seatbelt" sign. All passengers, including any lipless middle-aged women in lesbian clown shirts, should please take their seat at this time.

The reason people are unhappy in their careers is that they keep getting promoted until they're in over their heads. The Peter Principal says you rise to the level of your incompetence.

Tracy:

But my incompetence knows no bounds!

Pete:

Stay in your comfort zone. If it was me I'd just hide out until people forgot who I was, but keep in mind we Hornbergers are famous cowards. On D-Day my grandfather wore a German uniform under his American one... just in case. [leaves]

Kenneth:

There's a reason that men like that aren't chosen for greatness.

Tracy:

I don't remember saying you could listen to that conversation, but continue.

Kenneth:

Imagine if Mr. Hornberger were in your shoes. He turned his back on his community, on the world. How would he sleep at night? How would he look his children in the eye? Or perform his husband bedroom duties, for instance painting the bedroom. Think about the shame. He would be run out of town.

Tracy:

Al Sharpton would renounce him at a press conference on the street because Al Sharpton doesn't have an office.

Kenneth:

Exactly.

Tracy:

I thought going to the next level would be amazing, Ken. Like guitar-playing chimpanzee amazing, God bless and keep him, but now everybody expects me to do of this stuff and I don't want to let anybody down, but I'm scared.

Kenneth:

[laughs] You don't know the meaning of the word "scared," and I know because I've looked it up for you a dozen times. [laughs]

Mobile Meth Lab of Freedom

Jack:

[to van pulling up] Oh thank God!

Lorne:

Hop in! No, no, don't go back there. You guys drive.

Jack:

What?

Lorne:

You drive while we hide out in the back. Hang out. In the back. Everything's normal. No smoking.

Avery:

Yeah, okay. [gets in] Okay. Thanks, honey.

Lorne:

Great. I'm Lorne. If you're a cop you have to tell me. I'm just kidding. We're all on vacation. [goes back behind curtain] [curtain falls open] Ah! [closes curtain]

Avery:

[whispering] Is this a mobile meth lab?

Jack:

[whispering] Yes it is. Look, if you want to quit...

Avery:

Quit? I've never quit anything in my life. I'm still in Girl Scouts. I have nine thousand badges.

Jack:

Hey, I'm still looking for a golf ball I shanked in 1987. I am not taking that penalty stroke!

Avery:

Good. We agree. Now let's drive this bum to Buffalo and get this little bitch out of me!

Plane Ugliness

Liz:

[roots through garbage to find a used tea bag, which she sucks on]

Carol:

We've been offered a gate.

Liz:

What? What are you doing back here? Come on, let's go!

Carol:

Oh we'll go. We'll go back to the terminal. And the lounge with the reclining wraps.

Liz:

[from her stomach] Turkey wraps!

Carol:

And we'll forget any of this ever happened. Like the fact that you insulted me in front of my entire crew, especially Stewart who often makes up hurtful nicknames for me, like Mr. Bumpy Landing.

Liz:

Great. And I'll forget the fact that you treated us like animals.

Carol:

Oh well I've already forgotten that you said I was bad at my job, when everything on TGS has been so great recently. Austin Powers on Crossfire. Timely stuff!

Liz:

Uh huh, and I'm not even going to ask what the hell that voice is that you use on the intercom. [imitating Carol] Uhhh folks, half an hour means forever, uhhhhhh waaaugh.

Carol:

[laughs] Can I tell you what I hate about you? You're SO stubborn when you think you're right, even when the answer in ON the Trivial Pursuit card.

Liz:

The card was wrong! And you're no better, Carol. You built that bookshelf incorrectly!

Carol:

I did not! I wanted the books to slide off! Okay, listen, Liz. We will get through this. IF, for once, you can just let it go. I will take us back to the gate when you stand up in front of my crew and my passengers and admit that you were wrong.

Liz:

What?!

Carol:

Admit that I, as captain of this vessel, was in the right. You were wrong to question, and I was correct in my treatment of you and your fellow animals.

Liz:

I'd rather die on this plane.

Carol:

That can be arranged. [turns to leave and bumps into bulkhead]

Jack Glimpses a Possible Future

Lorne:

[while filling motor home] All right, you saw the back of the Winnie. You know we picked you up to get past Border Control, so what are you guys carrying?

Jack:

I'm sorry?

Lorne:

In the fake stomach. You smuggling unpasteurized cheese? Prescription drugs? Male syrup from the Sacred Tree of Souls in Winnipeg?

Jack:

Uh, no, she's pregnant.

Lorne:

What? Those contractions she's been having are real? Because they sound very sitcomy.

Avery:

[moaning] Oooooooo zoik! What is taking so long?

Lorne:

Hey you guys should be in a hospital, not driving to Buffalo in a snow storm.

Jack:

Thank you for your input, Lorne, but Avery and I want out daughter be born in American so that one day she can become President and declare war on Germany like back when we were awesome.

Lorne:

You know you remind me of my parents.

Jack:

I find that very hard to believe.

Lorne:

They were both really intense. They wanted me to grow up to be Prime Minister, so as a kid I had to win the spelling bee. They made me memorize all seven hundred words in the Canadian dictionary, and then I had to go to law school.

Jack:

You went to law school.

Lorne:

For one day. I was just so tightly wound that I got kicked out for karate chopping my room mate. I know. I'm a stereotype: all guys from Quebec are good at karate. Oh my God where are my manners? Do you want to try meth?

Lorne:

What are you doing?

Jack:

I'm quitting. I'm calling 9-1-1 and getting an ambulance to take us to the nearest hospital.

Lorne:

Actually you dial 2-7-2 here.

Jack:

I will not do that.

Tracy Chooses a Path

Tracy:

Kenmore! I was thinking about what you said, and you were right. I'm Oscar winner Tracy Jordan, and as scary as it is, I have a responsibility to fix the world starting with the worst place ever.

Kenneth:

Ikea on a Saturday?

Tracy:

Africa. I leave today. Good bye.

Kenneth:

[turns around into Jenna and gasps]

Jenna:

Begin moving my things into his dressing room.

They Both Lose

Carol:

[over intercom] Well, folks, from the flight deck it looks like its going to be about another half hour and then we'll be on our way, uhhhhhh.

Liz:

[to the passengers] I have an announcement! Our pilot gone insane!

Carol:

[over intercom] No don't listen to her! Don't-

Liz:

Having seen Crimson Tide on Showtime last weekend, I believe the only course of action available to us is passenger mutiny! I am Denzel!

[coming out of cockpit] Do not blame me! I wouldn't take us because SHE wouldn't admit to being wrong for challenging my authority!

Thomas:

Why not? What's wrong with you?!

Liz:

I am right and he knows it! He could have given us FOOD-

Dave:

Maybe this is one of those times where both of you just say, on the count of three, "I was wrong."

Carol:

[at the same time as Liz] One, two, three, NEVER!

Liz:

[at the same time as Carol] One, two, three, NEVER!

Kate:

How are you two dating!? You're too similar!

Liz:

[goes toward the back of the plane]

Carol:

Where are you going?

Liz:

I am pulling the emergency exit slide and we are ALL getting off of this plane! I'll be a folk hero like that guy everybody hates now!

Carol:

Don't you even think about it, that is a federal offence!

Liz:

Just try to stop me!

Carol:

Oh you be careful what you wish for. [grabs Air Marshal's gun and points it at Liz] I will WASTE you!

Liz:

[pulls old man in front of her] You'll have to go through this old bastard first!

TV:

Soren, Eglentine... Your journey is at an end.

Liz:

I hope we can still be friends.

Canadian-American Baby

Liz:

[answers phone] Hello?

Jack:

Lemon, we had the baby.

Avery:

We? We?

Jack:

Shh. You need your rest.

Liz:

Oh my God, congratulations. Wait, aren't you in Canada?

Jack:

Yes, my daughter is Canadian-American, but I'm going to treat her just like a human baby. We tried to get back home, Lemon, in a meth lab. Avery and I fed each other's craziness, but one of us was brave enough to step back-

Avery:

And just quit. He quit!

Jack:

Didn't they give you Percocet?

Liz:

That's what it takes. Somebody needs to be willing to quit. I hope you and Avery can make it because you have a whole lifetime ahead of you of that double-edged sword just swinging around, trying to cut your faces off.

Jack:

Thank you, Lemon. This was supposed to be a joyous occasion. I'm glad I called.

Liz:

I'm sorry. Your daughter is a very lucky girl. Carol and I have br-

Avery:

Jack. This woman's trying to tell me that we don't have to pay for any of this.

Lily:

Right. The Canadian health care system-

Jack:

Oh no you don't. We will not be party to this socialist perversion. You will take our money.

Lily:

I'm sorry sir, I can't do that.

Liz:

[settling in to the couch] Oh this is gonna to be good.

Jack:

Avery, can you walk yet?

Avery:

I am right behind you, Jack.

Jack:

Let's go find a Canadian who will take our money.

The Hornberger Way

Kenneth:

[over webcam] How's Africa, sir?

Tracy:

It's amazing. This morning I taught the local schoolchildren all the words to Monster Mash.

Kenneth:

So when do you think you'll be coming back? TGS has a show in a couple of weeks.

Tracy:

Don't you think that this is bigger than all that? Like how an ant is much bigger than a smaller bug!

Kenneth:

Well that's an odd way to say that, sir-

Tracy:

I have to go. This was a really good decision. Goodbye, K. [closes laptop and walks across sound stage to his bed] Yup. Really good decision.