The ramblings and complaints of a newly minted Canadian, plus plenty of rants related to sports, music and whatever else irks me.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Welcome to Week Two of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we haven’t been this much in love with a Foster since we first saw “Freaky Friday.”

We were a dreadful 5-8-3 against the spread to open the season, although we did manage to hit the Lock of the Week in Green Bay. Indianapolis cost us the Trifecta, and we were 11-5 straight up. That’s uglier than Tony Siragusa bouncin’ on a diving board in a jock strap, to paraphrase Tim Wilson.

We generally sympathize with NFL players because of their unguaranteed contracts, short careers and the damage they inflict on their bodies. But to then watch Darrelle Revis and Randy Moss bellyache about the millions of dollars they’re making is like hearing a lottery winner gripe because they wouldn’t pay him in all $20s. Both of those guys need to spend a few months working in the stands selling beer and then come back and let us know if they have any more complaints.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as reporting former NHL coaches dead without calling them first.

Kansas City (-2) at CLEVELAND (38): Matt Cassel vs. Seneca Wallace – who says the NFL isn’t a quarterback-driven league? Chiefs 23, Browns 16.Buffalo (+13) at GREEN BAY (43): After Packers running back Ryan Grant was lost for the season, fantasy owners grabbed Brandon Jackson faster than Washington snatched Clinton Portis’s cell phone. Packers 33, Bills 17.Baltimore (-1.5) at CINCINNATI (40): We keep hearing about whether there are enough balls to go around in Cincy and it makes us wish Scott Thompson was still doing Buddy Cole skits. Ravens 20, Bengals 14.Pittsburgh (+5) at TENNESSEE (37): A crisp $50 bill if The Tennessean runs a story about the popularity of a certain Titan RB with the headline “How Big Will Johnson Get?” Titans 26, Steelers 17.Philadelphia (-4.5) at DETROIT (41): Michael Vick’s back, and at least one guy’s forgotten all of Vick’s transgressions – Kevin Kolb. Eagles 24, Lions 17.Chicago (+8.5) at DALLAS (41): Hosting the Super Bowl and already 0-1, which do you think is tighter -- Jerry Jones’s face or anus? Cowboys 27, Bears 20.Arizona (+6.5) at ATLANTA (43): We predict Cardinal RB Chris Wells will become a star as soon as people stop calling him “Beanie.” That’s just embarrassing. Falcons 21, Cardinals 19.Tampa Bay (+3.5) at CAROLINA (39): Another prediction – the Panthers don’t win a Super Bowl until they dump their mascot, “Sir Purr.” That’s something your grandmother has on her lap in-between knitting sessions. Panthers 20, Buccaneers 14.Miami (+5.5) at MINNESOTA (39): The Vikings have been scouring the league looking for wide receivers. Hey, Amhad Rashad’s available! Dolphins 19, Vikings 16. St. Louis (+4) at OAKLAND (37.5): Watching “Jersey Shore” could be more entertaining – at least Snooki might get punched. Raiders 22, Rams 17.Seattle (+3.5) at DENVER (40): Laurence Maroney – that’ll get the Broncos over the hump! Seahawks 21, Broncos 17.Houston (-3) at WASHINGTON (43.5): We’d go watch this game if we didn’t think we’d be too close to that crazy, African-born Muslim socialist running your country. Canadians can trust FOXNews, right? Texans 24, Racists 19.Jacksonville (+8) at SAN DIEGO (45): Note to Charger QB Philip Rivers – getting pissy and stomping around like a three-year-old when the crowd noise is deafening does not make them shut up. Touchdown passes do. Chargers 27, Jaguars 17.New England (-2) at NY JETS (38): The issues with females and the Jets have been solved – all locker room reports will now be filed by Helen Thomas. Patriots 23, Jets 16.New Orleans (-4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): This line is predicated on 49ers coach Mike Singletary being able to scare his team back on track in one week. We fear Mike’s stare, but we’re terrified of Drew Brees’ arm. Saints 27, 49ers 17.NY Giants (+5.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (48): What we can’t find for this game – the over/under on total time under center making stupid arm movements. Colts 26, Giants 24.

The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.