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What Does Your State Hate?

I lived in Indiana for 45 years, made my career out of blogging, and yet my home state hates bloggers? I even blogged for the state of Indiana, for crying out loud!

I guess I can't take it too personally. Massachusetts hates Eli Manning as an individual. There are 6.8 million people in Massachusetts and apparently they all hate Eli Manning. My state just hates people who do my job.

But Eli isn't the only one who has a whole state hate him. South Carolina hates Edward Snowden, Delaware hates Casey Affleck, and the entire state of Florida hates workout couples.

I can get behind that last one. People need privacy when they're sweating, grunting, and accidentally farting.

Meanwhile, Pennsylvania hates people who use money clips, and Kentucky hates people who ask you to help them move. Both are odd things to hate, but not as weird as Missouri's hatred of people who believe in aliens.

People in Texas also hate aliens, but I don't think they mean the same thing.

This data comes from the dating app Hater, which matches people based on things they hate. You vote on over 3,000 topics, telling the app whether you hate, love, like, or dislike something. Then you're matched with other hard-to-please people based on what you both find abhorrent.

Founder Brendan Alper got the idea for Hater based on a 2006 University of Oklahoma study that found people are able to bond more effectively over things they hate than things they like.

In other words, the enemy of my enemy is having dinner with me Saturday night.

Still, you have to wonder what kind of relationship is born out of discovering things you mutually hate. I'm sure it makes for interesting conversations during the first weeks of a relationship — Do you hate jellyfish (New Jersey)? I really hate jellyfish! — but a relationship based on the mutual hatred of stupid stuff is going to get old after a while.

"I hate waiting in line (Vermont)."

"Can we just talk about something else?"

Of course, not everyone hates the same things or to the same degree. That's going to lead to some mismatched relationships.

"Do you hate porn? I totally hate porn (Utah)."

"I think we should break up."

A few weeks ago, Hater compiled the most hated items for each state, as decided by their few hundred thousand users, and released a map showing what each state hates the most.

The things that each state hates vary wildly. They're not even regional preferences. Some states hate people, some states hate things, while others hate activities, and still others hate ideas.

And Montana hates going to the gym. I was born in Montana, although we left when I was two. But I can tell you that particular hatred gets into your DNA at a very early age.

As far as individual people go, only a few were named outright. Massachusetts hates Eli Manning, South Carolina hates Edward Snowden, and Delaware absolutely despises Casey Affleck.

And Hoosiers hate bloggers, so those of you who swiped down on that can just bite me.

Meanwhile, Texas hates sleeping with the windows open, because it never gets below 95 degrees there. Also, Texas snakes are 15 feet long and can climb in though second story windows.

Oklahomans say they hate hearing the latest gossip, which I think is a lie. But they are troubled about Marjorie Peacock's drinking because they smelled whiskey on her breath at church. And also they're worried sick about Kenny and Shelley Ann's marriage on account of they heard Shelley Ann went dancing at The Root with a younger man she says is her cousin, but they were dancing awfully close for cousins, so it's not actually gossip, just concern for other people.

Lastly, Rhode Island hates Middle America. Look, Rhode Island, you're the Vatican City of the United States. There are 1.05 million people who live there, and nearly 1 million people who live in central Indiana, so it's not like you're anything special.

So you snooty Swamp Yankees better climb off your high horse, or we'll tell Virginia you dab pizza grease with a napkin.

It is not, for the love of GOD, people, the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I swear, if anyone says Monty Python is "dry humor" is going to get a smack.

Here are some other types of comedy you may have heard and are just tossing around, willy-nilly.

Farce: Exaggerated comedy. Characters in a farce get themselves in an unlikely or improbable situation that takes a lot of footwork and fast talking to get out of. The play "The Foreigner" is an example of a farce, as are many of the Jeeves &…

See, you're already doing it. I can't even say four words without you opening your mouth and well-actuallying all over everything.

What is wrong with you, Well Actually Guy? How did you become that one annoying guy on Facebook who responds to every opinion with "Well, actually. . ."

"Well, actually" you'll explain the punchlines of jokes.

"Well, actually," you'll argue about a single statistic in a news article for hours.

Well Actually Guy likes to point out when things are technically correct, even though those details are not important to the discussion. In fact, Well Actually Guy likes to throw in these minor technical corrections as a way to derail a story, or call an entire philosophical argument into question.

We should call it "wagging," or use the hashtag #WAG. As in, "Did you just #WAG me?"

Did you get that? It's an acronym. Web slang. It's how all the teens and young people are texting with their tweeters and Facer-books on their cellular doodads.

It stands for "The FBI has created an eighty-eight page Twitter slang dictionary."

See, you would have known that if you had the FBI's 88 page Twitter slang dictionary.

Eighty-eight pages! Of slang! AYFKMWTS?! (Are you f***ing kidding me with this s***?! That's actually how they spell it in the guide, asterisks and everything. You know, in case the gun-toting agents who catch mobsters and international terrorists get offended by salty language.)

I didn't even know there were 88 Twitter acronyms, let alone enough acronyms to fill 88 pieces of paper.

The FBI needs to be good at Twitter because they're reading everyone's tweets to see if anyone is planning any illegal activities. Because that's what terrorists do — plan their terroristic activities publicly, as if they were…