A major new survey has revealed that thousands
of teenage British girls are risking injury, infertility and worse, by
masturbating themselves into oblivion with the latest generation of electric
toothbrushes - or 'lovebrushes'

The survey, conducted by the independent
market research company, Rabbits
R Us, on behalf of the British Dental Association (BDA),
reported that over 82% of thirteen-year-old girls have pleasured themselves
to an explosive orgasm at least once with an electric toothbrush, and
that more than two thirds of sixteen-year-olds spend up to three hours
a day polishing their throbbing love buttons when they should be cleaning
their decaying teeth. More worryingly, over half of the 27,000 teenage
girls who took part in the survey reported reduced sensitivity after
prolonged use of the DIY lovebrush and more than 50% complained of pain
and burning during marathon masturbation bouts—some of which lasted
up to four hours.

The survey has so shocked British parents that many have resorted to
accompanying their kids to the bathroom while others are offering complete
strangers huge wodges of cash to deflower their daughters in a desperate
bid to wean these depraved
Lolitas off their electric toys. Mums who were once only too happy
to buy their girls electric toothbrushes in the mistaken belief that
it would improve their appalling dental health, have discovered that
the little angels are neglecting their ivories in their rush to get
down and dirty with Britain's newest and most fashionable sex toy.

The latest generation of 'intelligent' toothbrushes—which react
to pressure on the handle by speeding up or slowing down and rotate
as well as vibrate—now outsell tri-band, Bluetooth enabled, camera
mobile phones by ten to one. When it comes to the quest for the 'coolest'
orgasm on the street (or behind the bus shelter), it seems that ultra-hip
British teens are falling over their white Nike trainers to dump their
vibrating 'mobes' and snap up the new 'lekky lovebrushes.'

Dr
Marit Sigmundsdottir didn't mince her words when we asked the world-famous
Icelandic trisexual therapist what she thought of this latest sex craze
over a Macchiato at the Purley Hilton hotel. "Electric toothbrushes
can cause untold damage to the delicate tissues of our lady lips. Our
love button was never intended to be excited by a vibrating brush on
a stick, though some bloke's willies are sufficiently hairy to make
a passable imitation of one. But I have yet to encounter a willy that
rotates on its own axis and has interchangeable heads."

"Make no mistake," commented a shifty-looking bloke in a
white lab coat who took time out from cloning rabbits to talk exclusively
to utterpants,
"These shameless teen sluts—some barely out of their nappies—are
brushing their way to infertility, blindness, facial excema and an early
grave."

But
what do the teenage girls who took part in the survey think about the
health risks? We put this question to one cum-happy fourteen-year-old
who admitted to owning no less than eight electric toothbrushes.
"I aint stupid," replied Jade Gussett, a belly-baring brunette
from South London. "I wrap da handle of me lovebrush in a condom
and always wash it afterwards, innit."
"That's not exactly what we meant," we replied. "Don't
you know that the bristles can irreparably damage your vagina?"
Jade tossed back her pretty hair with a carefree laugh. "Who gives
a fuck? 'K, sometimes my clitty gets a bit sore and I keep buying more
powerful lovebrushes to get myself off, but it just feels so fucking
great I don't ever wanna stop. Wanna try it?"
"No thanks," we replied and left the cum-hungry little moppet
to brush her way to another multiple orgasm, seemingly oblivious to
the risks she was running.

Risks one tearful young woman we interviewed, who asked to remain anonymous,
is only too familiar with. "I started using an electric toothbrush
when I was thirteen," sobbed Natasha Dickson of 42 Lesbia Lane,
South Mimms, "I found that when I used the brush on my clitoris,
I could have a really intense orgasm. I would cum like really hard in
just one or two seconds. As time went on it took longer and longer to
climax. Sometimes up to three minutes or more. Then it started to hurt
and often I'd have to put a T-shirt or something over the toothbrush
to make it less intense. Sometimes my pussy would burn for hours afterwards
and I knew I must be causing damage. Well, I'm almost twenty-two now
and I find it hard—if not impossible—to have an orgasm by
getting
my cat to eat me out. I don't feel a thing with a regular
vibrator because it's not as strong as my toothbrush. And now I
can't come during intercourse with my fiancé—not that I
ever did because his willy is just
too small. Electric toothbrushes have totally ruined my life."

We asked Dr
Sigmundsdottir just how widespread this shocking abuse was.
"It's an epidemic of tsunami proportions," she replied sharply.
"These stupid little sluts are turning their love tunnels into
barbecued, chopped steak. Coupled with the continuing misuse
of mobile phones we are seeing increasing numbers of ever younger
girls with fried and frazzled pussies."
"Why's that?"
"As the abuse continues, surface scar tissue forms to protect the
delicate nerve endings of the vagina and clitoris which are irreparably
damaged by the bristles of these new, high-speed brushes. Eventually,
the ability to trigger an orgasm is entirely lost, not to mention the
risks of infection, infertility and anal sex."
"Anal
sex?" we asked.
"Well...once they've fucked up their little pussies what else is
left but the tradesman's entrance?"