Monday, August 8, 2011

How to identify a fellow mommy.

As we women become mommies, a few things change in our appearance. These things may be subtle, but they can help you easily identify a fellow mommy when you are out in public and need to borrow a diaper, wet wipes, juice box or shoulder to lose your schmidt on.

The Hair: A mommy’s hair comes in many forms, from perfectly coiffed and colored ‘dos, to ponytails with three-inch long roots. The tie that binds all mommies together is the sticky quotient. Somehow, every mommy’s hair has a certain There’s-Something-About-Mary factor that is unexplainable. A goo that once was a child-induced slime somehow makes its way into mommy’s hair and hardens into a stiff style. Is that yogurt, applesauce, finger paint, glue, snot? How did it get here and why won’t it comb out, no matter what you do?

The Makeup: As hard as a mommy tries, it is impossible to get her makeup perfect after having children. Many culprits can lead to the end problem, including:

Not noticing the mascara that has smeared all the way to your top lid/lipstick on your teeth because you applied it while trying to brush your kid’s teeth, comb your hair and do your taxes, all at the same time.

Refusing to apply powder in the morning because your toddler decided that your makeup brush was the perfect thing to use to fish her Cheerios out of the toilet (why on earth where there Cheerios in the toilet in the first place?)

Running out of the house and forgetting makeup altogether after a morning filled with spilled cereal, hissy fits, diaper explosions and debauchery.

The Clothes (Fit): Most mommies can usually be seen wearing clothes that are either too small or too big for them. This isn’t out of laziness. There are many phases of mommyhood that necessitate these fashion faux pas, including:

I just had a baby and haven’t lost the weight yet. (Too small)

I had a baby a year ago and haven’t realized I lost the weight yet. (Too Big)

I am between babies and know I will blow up like tank again, so I am not buying new clothes until I am done having kids. (Too small/too big)

I am pregnant with my second baby and not ready to face the hell that is maternity fashion again yet. (Too small)

I chase after a fire-breathing toddler all day and do not give a schmidt what my clothes fit like. What the f*ck is it to you?

Rinse, repeat until childbearing years are over/your kids leave the house and you finally have the time/money to care about your looks again. Warning: by then, everything will have moved south and you will need a new plan of action.

The Clothes (Look): Try as us mommies might, we just aren’t the fashion horses we once were. Whether we are stuck donning last decade’s styles because we would rather our kid rock the latest looks than ourselves, or we are sporting a white snot stain on the hem/neckline of our new black dress, we are just not cut out for the fashion big leagues anymore. Add to that the chicken wings and donut belly that often linger after pregnancy, and you have a recipe for mopey mommy looks. But, I have noticed moms of today seem to be giving the big finger to mom jeans and rocking the best looks they can while toting a drooling, screaming, poop machine. Carry on, sexy mamas, carry on!

The Purse: Mommy purses are the motherload of all purses. No tiny clutch or wristlet can haul the heavy load a mommy must carry. Diaper wipes, pacifiers, baby aspirin, snacks, juice boxes, you name it, and it is in there. The purse of a mommy is large and in charge. You non-mommies mock until you spill coffee on your new blouse. Then who do you come running to in search of a wet wipe? That’s right. Mommy. That’s who. Would you also like some goldfish crackers with that? You are acting a little crabby so you must be hungry.

The Shoes: Mommy shoes are often more utilitarian than high fashion. You try chasing a screaming 20-month-old through Target in four-inch Manolos. Yeah, who is laughing at my Chuck Taylors now? I didn’t think so.

7 comments:

ALL TRUE. especially the mommy bag and clothes don't fit. i have jeans in AAALLLLLL sizes- the "normal" size, the "i just got pregnant" size, the "maternity size" the "i just gave birth size" and then, if i'm lucky, i'll be able to wear the "normal" size once again. although i'm officially giving up on one pair. i'll never hope to fit in them again.

Yep, every last bit of that is true! We Daddies have the hair, too. And the T-shirt with babies' lunch on it. And the manliest diaper bag we could find, which has green flowers instead of pink elephants.

On clothes... I have a friend who once told me... With your first child you wear maternity clothes as soon as possible. With your second, you wear your regular clothes as long as possible. And by your third, your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. :)