Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I inserted the pills the next morning as instructed. Even though the counselor had explained what would happen, I didn't know exactly how it would go. It seemed to me like it wouldn't be a good idea to go to church, so I got back into bed and asked Joy to tell Mom and Dad that I wasn't feeling well. Read the rest of the story ->

8 comments:

Hi Chanson,I've been reading your book as you post it for the past few months. When I read this chapter, I just had to make some comments. Can it be possible that a young woman raised in the Church would choose to have an abortion and days later calmly watch from offstage as her fellow cast members sing, "Who are these children coming down?" Is the almost total disconnect with what she has done the point of your chapter? Are you trying to show that the teachings of the Church have never entered into this girl's blonde head, or has she suffered such a trauma that she has mentally severed herself from the pain this song might evoke?

That drawing of Jill kneeling in pain (of various sorts), and crying got me choked up.

I had to think back to how many times I found myself in that position, pleading for help in removing my desire to engage in the sin of masturbation, and repeatedly and increasingly disappointed in myself that I couldn't follow through with such a small thing, and feeling all alone wondering why such a small request of a loving "father" went unanswered. Man, what a mind-fuck it all was, eh?

As a side note, I have such a strong urge to want to kick Walter's ass, you have no idea. And I'm totally a non-violent person, which makes that even more bizarre. :)

As for biv's comment, compartmentalization described (indirectly) by this story of the total detachment and not 'losing it' over that song -- I think that very well represents the mental state of many who utterly believe in the morg and its messages. It really is a mind-fuck and can (and often does) produce some serious issues, such as seen in this simple display of such a disconnect.

Looking back, everything on the "inside" looks so fake and artificial now, so far removed from reality. The fake reality in the Jill character, IMO, shows through very brightly here. Instead of being torn up over the bigger picture of the abortion and the rejection of early motherhood, the larger concerns were that of the "sin" aspect of having had sex in the first place. And of feeling guilty about feeling such sexual urges. And concern over things like alcohol. And the largest, overriding concern, seemed to be being "caught" by her parents. She believed (and rightly so, IMO) that her parents would have erupted like a volcano and there's no telling what they might have done had they found out. She knew that, unlike Jake's mother, they would most likely have not been supportive in any way, and the relationship with them would have most likely been permanently damaged, possibly even to the point of her being kicked out and/or disowned.

These are all results of an environment that insulates one from reality. There's a lack of development of real emotional intelligence and emotional maturity. It's not always, the case, and I don't really mean to generalize here, but there are way too many stories where this is the case.

I also say bravo to the depiction of a sort of dichotomy going on in Jill's head -- simultaneously being strongly attracted and somewhat protective of Walter, yet at the same time realizing a little bit that it's totally undeserved (yet stopping short of the realization that he's a player and an irresponsible asswipe). Love (or probably lust in this case, lol) is blind. :)

Maybe I got the messages all wrong in my depictions of what I think is going on. Just relating how this part of the story spoke to me.

It's a real play. It came out in the 70's and was extremely popular. Almost all (American) Mormons who have been in the LDS church since back then are familiar with it. I performed in a production of it myself as a kid in 1979.