Our Ratings

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Into the Boroughs: Harriet the Spy, Pizza Edition

As
previously mentioned, Di Fara lost their privileges regarding having us rate
their allegedly 5 star pizza with a poorly timed "oven malfunction."
Because by the time we arrived back at their subway station from
Brighton Beach, the door to the place was STILL not open, and there was a
line stretching halfway down the block.

Watching the Di Fara Metal Grates from the Safety of a Shaded Subway Platform

And heaven forbid we wait in any line whatsoever. It is
perhaps time for Di Fara to invest in a Disney World-esque FastPass
system.

Your Wait Time Is....

Still in the mood for pizza, but without the
patience to wait for one at the restaurant right in front of us, Ginger
discovers that Graziella's, home of Ted Allen's chosen Best Thing I Ever
Ate arugula and parmesan PIZZA, is a mere 15 minute walk from a Q-line
stop. Could this Brooklyn adventure be saved yet?

Yeah, probably not. Remember, we are a crabby people.

And Plus, This is Our Life Philosophy

Vodka
quickly secures us a reservation at Graziella's while we are en route,
under the supposition that all pizza places in Brooklyn feature crowds
with whom we won't want to deal.

OpenTable Reservations = Our Own Personal Version of a FastPass

Luckily for us, Graziella's is
apparently not one of the chosen ones, as by the time we arrive for our
2:00pm hastily made reservation, we are two of five customers in the
entire place.

Which is just the way we like it.

Empty Chairs and Empty Tables

We ask for a
table on the roof deck, and not only because children under 12 aren't
permitted up there ("Well, isn't that a lovely bonus").

Although If They Don't Trust Children to Not Fall Off the Roof, We're Not Sure They Should Trust Our Clumsy Selves

We are told to
choose whatever table we like, and so we pick one under a shady
umbrella... directly next to the roof deck's only other patron.

Said Table Also Features a Gigantic Pole in the Middle Which Prevents Us from Looking at Each Other

"Just call us Little Owl right now," Ginger mumbles,
though in our defense, our choice seat is one of only two other tables
featuring an umbrella, and either of them would have placed us within
spitting distance of the other customer. After all, she's the one who
chose to sit in the middle of the roof, rather than in a dark corner,
which is always our top choice. So obviously, the fact that she will
now have to listen to our inane conversation is HER fault.

Blame the Victim

First things first, we get ourselves two hefty glasses of
wine, as it is now hours past our preferred day-drinking kickoff time.

Two Large Pours, Please, and Make It Snappy

While we peruse the menu, it becomes abundantly clear why there are so
many tables open on the roof deck -- the place provides a front row seat
to the loudest church sermon ever being broadcast from next door. We
manage to talk over the various blessings enough to order both the
arugula and parmesan pizza, along with another pizza with caramelized
onions and mushrooms. ("Do we want small or large?" "There are only two
of us -- you want to get two LARGE pizzas?!").

The pizza -- the pizza which we have traipsed over half
of Brooklyn and to two different pizzerias in order to eat -- is good
enough. The arugula is blessedly rather muted in flavor, and the crust,
while extremely thin, isn't crunchy (we hate crunchy crust). In fact, the
dough is somehow pita-like in texture, which is not a bad thing -- it is
just rather... odd.

We're Going to Start a New Television Program Called 'Things We Ate That Were Fine'

We wolf down both pizzas, along with two glasses of wine
each, at rapid-fire pace, undeterred even when a huge glob of cheese is
found (by our own doing) floating in Vodka's chardonnay ("There is
parmesan in my wine, of note").

A True Wine and Cheese Mash-Up

In truth, we are essentially so happy
to be a) sitting, b) eating, and c) drinking, that we're rather jolly
about the whole experience.

After All, They DID Give Us Carbs and Wine -- What More Should We Want?

And then the bill comes, and an 18% tip is pre-added in.

Is It Because We Made Them Walk Up and Down a Staircase?!

Um, is Fort Greene, Brooklyn, the new Times Square?! What is the meaning of this madness?

Clearly, the Creepy Doll Who Hangs Out by the Cash Register Is Behind This

Now,
would we have given an 18% tip or higher anyway? Yes. Believe it or
not, as long as things don't come to major blows with the
waitstaff, we are rather generous tippers. But the principle of the
fact that Graziella's would add this in preemptively has put us in a
mood.

A mood that has resulted in our inability to do math.

How Ginger's Bill Looked for a Solid Ten Minutes

It
seems that despite the fact that Graziella's has dictated what we
should tip, when it comes down to signing our actual credit card bills,
they have not deigned to do the addition for us. And based on our
current two-pizza-and-two-glasses-of-wine-in state, this
happenstance has us flummoxed so completely that our respective second
grade math teachers should be ashamed.

This Is Why We Majored in Food and Not Mathematics

We eventually manage to utilize our elementary school
math skills and add up the totals before stumbling back down the stairs
and out onto the sidewalks of Brooklyn, feelings of unwarranted
accomplishment in our chests.

Or, as our friends at the church next door would say, "Glory, hallelujah!"

2 comments:

Hi there! I really like the concept of this blog. I did always wonder how the items on "The Best Things I Ever Ate" really stacked up. I was hoping to reach you via email to ask a couple of questions. Would you mind letting me know where I could send you a note? Thank you!