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Thursday, November 20, 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Some people would have you believe that bakeries should update their window display cakes at least once a year or so. To this I say "pish tosh"! Why, check out these stellar examples, still sellin' the goods 10, even 15 years after they were made!

Wow, I don't know about you guys, but I am just itching for some cake right now. Or maybe just itching. Is that blood? Sweet!

(And before you ask, yes, I DO feel rather silly for censoring plastic boobs. Happy?)

Ah, nothing captures the essence of celebration quite like crumbling moldy icing and decapitated clown heads, am I right or am I right? Those customers will be pouring in any second now, I'm sure.

Or how about this one, sure to entice all the would-be brides out there:

Just ignore that fly on the top tier; he's been stuck there for a few weeks now, so we're pretty sure he's dead. Oh, and the flowers?

We call that color "perfect patina". It was inspired by the rusting water pipes in our basement. The dust really completes the look, don't you think?

Here's another one for the happy couple on their Big Day:

Ok, so the bride and groom's eyes have melted down their faces, and his hand has made a break for it down his leg. (Heh - "made a break for it") Even so, I have no doubt that the overall design of the bride huffily facing away from the groom and with her bags packed down below is a top seller.

UPDATE: Some of you have asked if all of these came from the same bakery. Nope! This lovely assortment represents *three* separate bakeries, and I believe all of them were open for business at the time. Ain't it great?

I have to thank you for your blog. I was sent here yesterday by Beth and you have quickly become one of my favorite blogs. Some of the cakes have me laughing so hard I'm crying. Don't we all need a good laugh!

That first cake is an actual scene from my house: me -looking fab, plastic & sexy - yet collecting dust and decaying while waiting for hubby to turn off the TV and pay a smidge of attention to me. The empty booze bottle is a sad, yet authentic touch.

Egad! Are the top two brown on purpose or from age? Either way it is too scary to think about, can we say ptomaine poisioning? Word verification - plied, as in "I would have to be plied with a LOT of alcohol to even think of eating these cakes!"

OMG! Seeing that first cake is like going through a time warp. I remember when I was a kid I would go to the donut shop with my dad every Sunday morning to get donuts after church (mind you, I was born in 1979, so tells you how long this cake in particular has probably been there). They had a catalog of cakes you could order and I always wondered who would order a cake with a plastic naked chick draped in some sort of sheer little dress. I mean, it seemed like only guys would like it, but who orders a cake for a bachelor party? Anyway, thanks for the trip down memory lane!

Gack! Who would honestly leave a cake in the window that long? Seriously? The mold positively gives me the heebie jeebies...mostly because I'm the one that cleans out our fridge so I'm usually the one that finds the nasty leftovers of indeterminate origin.These are beyond wrecks...these are health code violations.

OK, I've read this whole blog and this is the first one that actually turned my stomach. Even worse than the foot and the pregnant headless woman in the tub. Shouldn't the health department be getting involved at this point?Tracy O

Charming, I'm sure. All the mineral ore and compost in those frostings sure makes me want to get married all over again and march straight into those bakeries for a little consult... with the Health Inspector! But hey - even the FDA has allowable ppm's for insect parts in our foodstuffs, so what the hell.

Those clowns do nothing to rehabilitate the image of clowns in general. And the wedding cake with the fly, etc. is just wonderful! I mean it, wonderful...for the Corpse Bride maybe (haha, you thought I was serious for a minute!)

The wedding cake is the most disgusting wreck I've ever seen, even worse than the foot cake. The fly, the moldy flowers...bleargh! It makes me think of the crazy lady in Great Expectations who kept her wedding cake for years. And the first two brown cakes are almost as bad.

I have to wonder also about what Amanda said. Is this from a closed and defunct bakery that just hasn't been cleaned out yet? I just have a hard time imagining that someone would leave something in the window THAT long. I guess anything is possible but EWWWWWWWWWWW.

I so want that little plastic boobies doll! Everything else is a bit gross. I was hoping someone went nuts with green-brown airbrushing until I saw the first wedding cake with just a few decorations rotting away. Ugh.

That first cake has to be from this bakery in Brooklyn. I've passed it many times over the years. If it's not, then we have a duplicate out there and I will hunt it down and take pictures of it. I'm pretty sure that is the one though.

OHHHHH!!!! I LOVE THIS BLOG!!! And I love that those "cakes" exist (surely, we can all agree that this is a correct use of quotations), if only so that we can comment on them here and make me laugh so hard I scare the people around me. What those...things...really need is to be stamped with a huge sticker that says "You've just been wreckported to cakewrecks.com"

And fabulous Great Expectation references...

Happy Almost Friday~ Bonnie

Word Verification: Kinverma...ummm..I can't come up with anything on that one...

I can't believe anybody trying to sell a cake has these horrible wrecks on display! I mean, it makes for great viewing here but seriously, that has to be reverse advertising for a business. Hey look at us, we have awful cakes! Don't shop here!

I love this post! The other day I walked past a bakery in my neighborhood, and like a good aspiring 'Wrecker, I checked out the cakes in the window. I got excited for a second by what I thought was poor execution and even worse spelling, but when I looked closer I realized it was just cracking with age and several of the letters had fallen off.

Now I realize that neglect can produce wrecks, too! I'm off to take some pictures!

P.S. Don't know about the cakes in this post, but the ones I saw were in the window of a bakery that is open. Doesn't do much business though - wonder why?

And, I don't understand the appeal of the dust-colored frosting and the plastic stuff on top? Even if these all look that way because it IS dust, I've seen this look elsewhere, and it is surreal to me that these are cakes, and someone thought this was an attractive juxtaposition to FOOD.

Any day now Stephen King is going to write either a short story OR a book that explains these wrectastic kakes. I think these belong in the Halloween category.

The clown kake(wreck) REALLY, REALLY creeps me out. I can just imagine:

The clock strikes midnight. The clowns PULL themselves up out of the moldy/fly dung speckled icing and go in search of... HUMANS to torture, suck blood or.. well. I think I've taken this line of thought as far as I care to!!

Not the cakewreck post one wants to read when scarfing down a salad...ugh. On a more positive note, perhaps the "cake-acyllin" and "amoxicing" can be used to fight diseases and cure strep throat. Much more soothing than those nasty capsules!

To Graham: As to the "Haversham" "Havisham" question--I wasn't trying to correct anyone; when I wrote "that was Miss Haversham!", it was in response to the person who mentioned the crazy lady in Great Expectations. I actually googled "Haversham" because I couldn't remember how it was spelled and got responses. I should have researched further.

(And before you ask, yes, I DO feel rather silly for censoring plastic boobs. Happy?)

Then please stop. There is nothing here that needs censoring and you have never posted one that did. Censoreship is wrong and these are just cakes. Let it go and just post them in all their horrifying glory.

Is it supposed to be gold, and is that because the plastic sex bomb is meant to be sitting on a beach? The little plastic palm tree is suggestive of that interpretation, and there appears to be writing in the 'sand' too (though I can't tell what it says, and maybe it's graffiti -- you know, like "wash me" on a dirty car window). But then: Pink roses?

Or was it originally all pink, which has just gone brown and dusty with age? In which case: Plastic palm tree?

Furthermore: Why does the "invitingly" posed plastic sex bomb have only ONE wineglass? And, for that matter, why is the wineglass larger than the wine bottle? Or is that a whole empty bottle?!

Is there any explanation for this bizarre justaposition of objects? Probably not, but I can't help trying to figure it out!

Our fillings are: Botulism, e-coli and ebola. Guaranteed to cleanse your colon and end your life. Additional flies are extra.We'll even video tape you in your death throes for posterity. Questions or comments may be referred to management. Oh wait, they accidentally had cake for desert last night.

Is it wrong that I find the faceless bride and groom fascinating? That's the kind of cake you'd see at the creepiest wedding in the world ...

And what possible, possible occasion would need the first cake? Is there some strange public holiday that I don't know about, 'Go get naked and drunk on the beach' Day? Who would order that, and why???

I think that first one is for a wife making a suggestion to her husband. Maybe that lady isn't getting enough action! (She is living on a desereted beach you know.) Okay in reality, why would you even order that cake even if it wasn't 100 years old???? lol

I know I've seen that first one somewhere else--isn't it quite literally an antique cake, as in one someone for serious brought into Antique Roadshow? Because I know I've seen it before. Maaaan, now this is gonna bug me.

If it is, in fact, an antique cake, I don't feel right picking on it. That's like making fun of my grandmother's dress; sure, it might not be fashionable, but it's old. It deserves some respect. D:

I love the Miss Havisham cake, with the fake plastic fly and the cocoa dust and cookie crumb flyspecks! Oh...wait...those are the real deal? Awesome!

I would also love to walk into the bakery and demand the Clowns On A Corroded Bronze Parade Float Cake just like they have in their window. It reminds me of the "totally metal" birthday cake from Metalocalypse, where the frosting was actually made from mercury.

Jen - no need to feel embarrassed about censoring the plastic boobs. You've chosen to create a "PG" rated blog, and done a great job of it, too. It's certainly nothing the FCC (don't pronounce THAT phonetically!) doesn't do all the time. It wouldn't surprise me if more than half of the boobs THEY'VE censored at one time or another were plastic, but that's probably a subject for a different blog... ;-)

This post would have been good for Halloween. There is something deeply haunting and morose about these cakes, especially the wedding ones. The moldy one reminds me of the character in "Great Expectations" that hasn't taken off her wedding dress in decades, still waiting for her groom. These cakes are like an Edgar Allan Poe story, or a Radiohead song in cake form.I'm going to close all the shades and cry in bed now.

Are you sure these bakeries didn't get the idea from your July 21, 2008 post? An almost exact (and uncensored, mind you) version of the first cake (with the girl on the beach) was featured by you earlier this year.

...I feel awful for those poor cakes. I admit I read this blog for the cringe factor (doesn't everyone?), but like many have said before me, I did not ever expect to actually want to throw up at a Cake Wrecks post. This is vile, and really, really sad.

First off: anyone would have to be totally deformed in the head to even be INTERESTED in ordering cakes from those bakeries.

Secondly, just wanted to say I absolutely LOVE your blogs! I've just created a new post on my own that links to yours! My blog is http://thisorthat12.blogspot.com if you're interested.

Thirdly, seeing those cakes reminded me of this cake decorating shop in another town that had displays that showed really REALLY old cake designs, with all the mould, dead insects and dust included. They were open at the time (3 yrs ago), not sure if they still are...I should check out if they're still open and take some pics eh?

The first two are from the same bakery, right? In New York? I used to see either those two cakes or exact replicas of them every Saturday as I passed a certain bakery on my way to Polish school. That was many years ago. Glad to see they're still around.

Wow, I am another viewer who recognizes the first cake from a bakery in Brooklyn... It is so weird to see it here, immortalized forever... albeit unnecessarily, since it's obviously going to be at the bakery forever anyway.

On the moldy wedding cake photo you can see the name of a market reflected in the window. Google the market's name, click the link to google maps, and do 'street view' for that address. Across the street from the market you can see the bakery. Zoom all the way in and you can actually see that moldy cake in the display window.

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