You see, people just aren’t good with anger. They aren’t comfortable. It makes people around you uneasy, mistrusting, and nervous about what you are going to say or do next.

But you knew that, already, didn’t you?

You’re probably tired of being admonished for yelling when driving, for sucking your teeth when you’re out in public, for muttering under your breath, and for voicing your impatience and discontent.

You have opinions and things you care about and no one seems to care or to be listening. It doesn’t matter if you swear it from the rooftops or mutter it under your breath; your opinion doesn’t seem to matter. People keep going on around you, doing what they were going to do anyway, without considering your point of view.

You’re sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and you’ve just gotten angry.

Anger at least gives you energy. It makes you feel more in control. It gives you a sense of having energy because if you really stopped to consider how you were feeling, you might just stop altogether and you fear your ability to get back up. Anger is empowering when you feel like you have no power.

When asked what you’re so angry about, often the root of your discontent is a lack of fairness in the world or in your personal life. You see others breaking rules to get what they want and they seem to be winning and getting away with it.

The 24 hour news cycle gives you more than a dozen examples every day of the little guy getting stepped on, of the selfish people winning. You see the injustice and feel trapped in it. Then, when you point out the injustice or the absurdity, you’re encouraged to just “let it go” and move on.

Over time, a funny thing starts to happen. Your short fuse, irritability, and discontent starts to become something people avoid. You talk and no one listens or responds. You’re not included in conversations or invited places. If you’re a family man, you might be startled to see your spouse and kids heading off to weekend plans without you. You weren’t invited.

Suddenly, you find yourself ignored and discounted entirely.

You see that pattern replicate itself everywhere you go. You’re skipped at work, at home, and when you are out in public. No one listens.

You start to talk and you see the side glances between people. You might hear or read lips well enough to know that one person is telling another to just ignore you, to pay you no mind and everything just gets worse.

You become more pissed off the more misunderstood you are.

I talk to and work with men like you all the time.

I know what it is that you’re trying to say and the frustration you feel when no one listens. I know that you don’t intend to act like a jerk. I know that you want to be taken seriously. I know that you feel genuinely burdened by the unfairness and injustice you see around you. I know you fear your needs and the needs of your family won’t get met unless you fight and say something.

I know you would never hit another person, call them names, or intentionally disrespect the people you care about. I know that your gruffness comes from fear and a sense of powerlessness.

I know you feel like you have nothing left, that you have tried everything and yet, the bad guys just keep winning.

I know that being accused of being abusive breaks your heart. I have seen your genuine confusion and remorse when you realize that your behavior could be considered as creating an abusive environment.

I also know that your ranting, impatience, and irritability is not working for you.

It’s costing you relationships. It’s costing you respect. You’re losing credibility and you are being left behind more and more every day.

I know this because you tell me these things.

You’re not yelling at me. You’re not swearing at me. You’re not shutting down in some numbed out state when I ask you a difficult question. You’re talking to me. You’re explaining yourself to me. You’re taking off the armor and you’re getting real.

Are you willing to do that with the people in your own life?

You’re so mad that people are trying to change you, that they don’t want you to have your opinions.

You’re raging because you don’t want to be shut down but you’re failing to see that you’re doing the same thing to them. Just like they can’t handle your upset, discontent, and anger, you have no patience for their acquiescence. You see their silence and avoidance or fight as acceptance.

When you’re yelling, swearing, ranting, and posturing, no one ever hears what you’re actually trying to say.

They just hear that you’re yelling.

The only person you have any control over in this situation is you.

You have to be willing to do things differently, if you really want to connect. After all, the way you’ve been doing it hasn’t really been working out for you.

You have to take a moment, find the person most important to you, and talkto them. Let them know that you feel your anger is misunderstood. You have to explain that your anger is the armor and shield protecting your more vulnerable feelings. You have to take a chance and explain your fears.

I know you don’t want to. This part just sucks. You’ll feel weak. You’ll feel exposed. You’ll fear rejection and the reality is that you should fear it. You may have pushed some people away so far that they’ll never come back. That’s a natural consequence of your behavior, I am afraid.

Hold on. It’s going to get harder before it gets better.

You probably owe them an apology, too. Even though you were feeling discounted, ignored, and stepped on, you likely scared or startled them. Intentionally or unintentionally, you may have made them feel disrespected.

You have to own it before you can move forward. Otherwise, they’ll be so wrapped up in their own hurt, they may still not listen.

This will feel unfair. Again, you can’t control them. You can only control you and if you want a different outcome, you have to do things differently.

Don’t worry. Once you let down your armor, it’s likely the people you really care about will drop theirs, too.

You will hopefully get to hear their remorse for ignoring you. Hopefully, they will be able to share that your upset makes them uncomfortable, not because they disagree with you but because they don’t know what to say. Raging against injustice feels as pointless as pissing in the wind but they, too, are burdened by the injustices in this world. The small ones and the major ones.

Once you stop yelling, you can start talking.

You’ll increase the likelihood of really being heard. Then, take your turn to really listen and maybe, just maybe, that’s where you will start to see real, lasting change. You just might accomplish more together than out there on an isolated island of your own making.

This is an important conversation. Grab my FREE guide for getting started.

About Heather Gray

Heather Gray is a clinically trained Mindset and Performance coach at Choose to Have it All.com. Heather uses her twenty years of clinical experience to teach business owners and leaders the necessary skills for combating fear, managing self-doubt, and shutting down the inner critic we sometimes hear in our heads. Listen more to what Heather has to say on her daily podcast, Business Mindset Mastery, available on iTunes. Android users can find her through The Podcast App. Want to keep talking with Heather? Join her Facebook group.

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This will not work in my situation, sorry but your advice will not help at all. Everyone else notices what is going on, and the problem in my situation is her. Room full of people group conversation Everyone is calm and not being offensive, and out of no were I am told I am angry, and apologizing only makes it worse. I still apologize and stay calm but I am still accused by her with others asking her what is her problem. “How was your day, my dear” is treated as a personal attack, and I get told I am… Read more »

(I’d ask you this in another venue like an email but I don’t know of another way to contact you with this so here goes.) What I find interesting here is that this advice is VERY different from what is said about angry women, black people, gays, etc…..well anything but men. When trying to work with those folks when they are angry the listener is told to change. There isn’t anything about how an angry woman leaves people feeling disrespected or that she may owes someone an apology (and suggesting so is often dismissed as tone policing, sexism, patronizing, and… Read more »

Excellent point, Danny. In fact, I think you’ve uncovered a significant dynamic in men’s issues. I think the article is great advice, and I appreciate that it begins with an understanding that is all too lacking towards men. Whether it’s because men are socialized as such, or it’s in our genes, most men respond to “fixing” a situation: with that in mind, the author’s advice makes sense. She identifies feelings, gets to the root of the issue, and offers a way to correct it. But fairness is another question. Why must society (men’s fault/responsibility) change to fix women’s issues, while… Read more »

If gender equality is to be taken seriously, I think it can’t be oversimplified into a privileged:unprivileged or oppressor:oppressed dichotomy. Yes this dynamic, and holding on to it so dearly, is a recipe for disaster. You can’t just black/white declare that men are privileged and women are not then expect a magic bullet answer that will work across the board for everyone. And to do so is to expect the problems to change to fit the answer rather than changing the answer to fit the problem. Too often, the issues of feminism are framed in a helpless victim scenario. My… Read more »

Enjoyed reading what you have to say, Danny (Paul too). Hoping that I don’t violate any confidentiality, but I’m going to jump into Heather’s corner here for a second because, well, she can’t very well say, “ask DJ, I care, honest!” (Laughing). This is one of the issues that she has suggested that I try to tackle as an article, about understanding rather than reacting to male anger. She was very much on board with it (You may remember that, Heather), and having it written from the male perspective. We’ve already done one explaining a bit about anger in relation… Read more »

Paul, Great discussion. I did try to answer it in the article I reference below: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/hlg-the-most-loving-thing-a-woman-can-do-for-a-man/ This is a topic I have really tried to tackle from several angles. One of the problems is that women were conditioned to “take shit” and so many people have worked with women to stand up for themselves, set boundaries, and have a zero tolerance policy. And the problem with that, is that it just isn’t realistic. People are going to act human and have human responses. In my own relationship. I am the door slammer. I don’t touch my husband but I am… Read more »

Hey, Danny. I absolutely agree. I thought I had written an article on this at some point but I couldn’t find it. I just saw a “controversial” Bill Burr comedy show on Netflix where he calls women out for how they act and for inciting anger and acting out. I’d like to think my advice would be the same. I hope it would be. The reason I directed this to the “angry man” is because I think men are more commonly judged and excluded because of their anger. I don’t think women get called angry… when we act that way,… Read more »

The reason I directed this to the “angry man” is because I think men are more commonly judged and excluded because of their anger. I figured as much which is why I kinda wanted to ask you this somewhere else other than on this post. I don’t think women get called angry… when we act that way, we’re called crazy and are often treated as such. I’d say women are called angry as well as other things. And don’t get me wrong a lot of it is unfair but in terms of correcting things I see a very concerted effort… Read more »

“You have opinions and things you care about and no one seems to care or to be listening. ”

“You talk and no one listens or responds. You’re not included in conversations or invited places.”

It needn’t have anything whatsoever to do with anger. It is how society has evolved. Swapping likes on FaceBook is NOT communication ! But far too many people have painted themselves into that corner. Only dread scourge leper pariahs use telephone calls, email, instant messaging or snail mail.

Or you can just shut the [email protected] up because noone’s really interested in your opinions anymore than they are interested in random person pissing in the wind. Show weakness and they will steamroll all over you. The important thing is not what you can accomplish together. The important thing is what they can get out of you.

Great observations, Heather. I may not be an ‘over the top’ angry person, in fact, many would see me as ‘cool, calm and collected’, but I do see myself portrayed here. I too see the unfairness, the sheer arrogance and sense of entitlement demonstrated ‘out there’, and not only on the roads, but more universally. And those individuals still getting their needs met; often at other’s expense. I do allow myself to feel angry at times. But recognising what’s underneath that anger, and being able to express that to someone we trust enough to do so, is key. We can’t… Read more »

Ha! I know! They hated it! When I strike a cord, I know I am on to something.It’s tough to challenge women in their role in this. There is so much out there that just combats and minimizes my message when at its heart, I am just trying to stop people from judging men, their anger, and their reactions to it but rather at least try to understand it. People seem to think that trying to understand anger is giving permission for outbursts and acting out moments. I can think someone is acting like an ass, creating fear, and still… Read more »

Of course, women hate it because men are no longer going to put up with the situation anymore. To be fair, I don’t like it when other men tell men to calm down when they themselves have hair quick tempers or get angry at anything minor or whether the event was real or just an image in their heads.

Nobody is interested beyond the 6 second of attention span unless there is money, power, fame or conversely a threat at stake. It is a rigged game and you are just another cast off gear that is past its lifecycle of use. Cheer up, in 70 years or less – you will likely be dead and the whole grand excrement experiment would have not even have left a stain. (Yes, that is the happy version of it)