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'The Hills': With friends like these ...

April 22, 2008 | 10:18
am

Audrina may not be the sharpest tool, but does she really need a “friend” like Lauren?

Lauren may get to narrate “The Hills,” but I think I speak for everyone when I say the series has turned on our fair narrator, who has reverted to a sniffling, green-eyed high schooler this season. (In fact, we’re going back to calling her by her high school nickname, LC, from now on.)

So without further ado, an open letter to LC …

LC, It’s time to move on. Heidi has. (And what kind of world are we living in when Heidi is the grown-up one?) We’re over LC vs. Heidi.

How is it fair for you, LC, to befriend Stephanie, sister of your sworn enemy Spencer, who once confronted you in a nightclub in defense of her brother, but Audrina can’t reunite with Heidi? I smell a hypocrite in these hills.

What’s worse, it seems as though everyone else around you is evolving. Heidi is Ms. Female Empowerment. Stephanie, our favorite “Hills” informant, sailed her olive branch over to you while letting Spencer crash in her apartment. Whitney matriculated from Teen Vogue (albeit to more grunt work). Brody got himself a new steady. Spencer’s giving Heidi her space (for the most part). Even Justin -- “It’s time to get my priorities straight” -- Bobby has given up the belching, started showering and has gotten a new ’do.

They all make you rather dull in your 24-hour Heidi hate. Not just dull, but downright bratty. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only viewer who threw her pillow (or, ya know, something) at her TV set when you started moaning -- “Will you kidnap me please?” “Oh my god, I need to leave this table immediately,” -- after Heidi squeezed into your table at Goa.

After Audrina caught up with Justin Bobby on a friend-date, your first question to her was “Did he burp in your face?” Not very friend-like. You followed that up with, of course, “Seems like you and Heidi are friendly again.” Yikes.

And now that Heidi has soiled your pad by hanging with Audrina in it for a few moments last week, you want to move out? Into a house? Oh sure, you say you’re bored by your West Hollywood apartment. And yes, you did get that spanking new job as model-herder for People’s Revolution. (But seriously, Mama and Papa Conrad, you're too kind.)

Why is poor Audrina in your cross hairs? Sure, you asked her to move in with you and Lo, but not before you harped all over her “dirty” boyfriends behind her back and told Lo how much fun it would be to continue doing so when you both are her roommates.

Looks like someone other than Justin Bobby needs to get their priorities straight.