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Ex-Husband sees our son, but not his step-son

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Ex-Husband sees our son, but not his step-son

joanna r(87)

Posted on 22-11-2018 at 10.40AM

Hi All, I really need some advice

I am recently separated from my husband. We were together 9 years, and I have a son who was 3 when we first met (now 12). His bio dad is not in our life at all. They have always had a rocky relationship, as they are very different, but he calls him Dad and has been treated as our son. We now have another son together (now 7) as well.

The problem is, now we are split, my ex wants to see and spend time with 'his' son but not his step-son. I don't know how to explain this to my eldest at all, and even to the younger one, who is now aware he is being treated differently to his brother.

The only reason my ex will give is that, on a few occasions when they have been rowing, my eldest has accused him of hitting/hurting him. He also says that he has said other things to him in private (that he refuses to give me details of) that make him uncomfortable to spend any time with him alone. I can only think that my son has threatened to say he has done something to him, when they have been rowing in anger.

My son is not an angel, I am under no illusions. We have had plenty of the 'you're not my dad, I hate you' rows. He (son) has always been very, what I call 'high maintenance'. He doesn't handle new situations well, or anything unexpected. He is incredibly intelligent, which he uses against my ex, who has always had a complex about how 'thick' he is. I know he can be manipulative. But I talk things through with him after incidents/arguments, when my ex would just sulk and refuse to speak to him. He is also very attached to me, and its quite clear a lot of this stems from the idea that my husband disrupted the life that was just me and my son before we met him.

I'm explaining all this as I don't want it to seem like my ex is being totally unreasonable. I believe in his head he has a very good reason for it. But my concern is for my son and how he will handle being completely cut off by the man he calls Dad.

I have asked him to tell me what he refuses to give me details of, as I feel that if it is that serious that it makes him worried he will be banned from seeing the kids, I need to talk it through with my son, and even get some professional support. But he refuses to tell me (and because of this I am imagining all sorts of awful things!) . I have asked him to talk directly to my son, to explain why he feels he cant see him anymore. But he refuses. He seems to think by ignoring it it will all be fine.

Any advice would be really appreciated, as I am losing sleep over this.

I feel for you I’ve been through this before and it’s so heartbreaking for the children my daughter felt so unloved. You can only explain to your son the situation and offer him support, just be there for him it will be hard but that’s all you can do, you ex husband sounds like a right douche just dropping him like that, don’t understand how you can bring somebody up and then just drop them, I really do understand how hard a situation it is to be in x

How was they’re relationship when they weren’t arguing? Your son knows he isn’t his dad so that’s one issue out the way. What does your son know about his biological father ? How do your boys get on ? Is there any animosity between them ? I’m not surprised your ex is distancing himself from your eldest son as from what you’ve said in your post they don’t always get along added with your son saying things that your ex now feels he needs to protect himself I can see his pov. How does your son feel about not seeing him ?

How was they’re relationship when they weren’t arguing? Your son knows he isn’t his dad so that’s one issue out the way. What does your son know about his biological father ? How do your boys get on ? Is there any animosity between them ? I’m not surprised your ex is distancing himself from your eldest son as from what you’ve said in your post they don’t always get along added with your son saying things that your ex now feels he needs to protect himself I can see his pov. How does your son feel about not seeing him ?

Their relationship got very strained, it was one of the factors we split, although I am guessing since he has refused to really discuss it at all. His bio dad has never met him, he chose not to have any contact at all since before he was born, and he is not in our lives. The brothers get on fine. He is asking to see his dad, that's what the issue is. I don't know how to explain to him that the man he calls Dad doesn't want to see him, but does want to see his brother. Everything I think of just sounds awful. I don't want him to think he is the reason we broke up (the reason his Dad left), or that his little brother is more loved than him. Its just an awful situation to be in.

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Monica(2)

Posted on 22-11-2018 at 12.01PM

What a sad situation, I really do feel for you.

If you tell your oldest son something that resembles the truth, then he is going to learn one of life's great lessons - actions have consequences, it can be a hard lesson to learn and at this age he might not fully understand it but he's certainly old enough to know that what you say / do / how you treat people will reflect in how they treat you back.

Without the full details of what's gone on between your ex and son, just going by what you've written, I can't say I entirely blame your ex for putting the distance there. Sorry you're the one left to pick up the pieces x

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joanna r(87)

Posted on 22-11-2018 at 12.10PM

Hi Monica, thanks. That's fair enough, I do feel the same to a certain extent. I just wish he was willing to at least attempt an hour with him. I do believe he will behave better, now we are living apart, and they may even be able to have a relationship. But my ex wont even consider it, or help me to deal with it, it's like he's a child as well! So frustrating.

I am recently separated from my husband. We were together 9 years, and I have a son who was 3 when we first met (now 12). His bio dad is not in our life at all. They have always had a rocky relationship, as they are very different, but he calls him Dad and has been treated as our son. We now have another son together (now 7) as well.

The problem is, now we are split, my ex wants to see and spend time with 'his' son but not his step-son. I don't know how to explain this to my eldest at all, and even to the younger one, who is now aware he is being treated differently to his brother.

The only reason my ex will give is that, on a few occasions when they have been rowing, my eldest has accused him of hitting/hurting him. He also says that he has said other things to him in private (that he refuses to give me details of) that make him uncomfortable to spend any time with him alone. I can only think that my son has threatened to say he has done something to him, when they have been rowing in anger.

My son is not an angel, I am under no illusions. We have had plenty of the 'you're not my dad, I hate you' rows. He (son) has always been very, what I call 'high maintenance'. He doesn't handle new situations well, or anything unexpected. He is incredibly intelligent, which he uses against my ex, who has always had a complex about how 'thick' he is. I know he can be manipulative. But I talk things through with him after incidents/arguments, when my ex would just sulk and refuse to speak to him. He is also very attached to me, and its quite clear a lot of this stems from the idea that my husband disrupted the life that was just me and my son before we met him.

I'm explaining all this as I don't want it to seem like my ex is being totally unreasonable. I believe in his head he has a very good reason for it. But my concern is for my son and how he will handle being completely cut off by the man he calls Dad.

I have asked him to tell me what he refuses to give me details of, as I feel that if it is that serious that it makes him worried he will be banned from seeing the kids, I need to talk it through with my son, and even get some professional support. But he refuses to tell me (and because of this I am imagining all sorts of awful things!) . I have asked him to talk directly to my son, to explain why he feels he cant see him anymore. But he refuses. He seems to think by ignoring it it will all be fine.

Any advice would be really appreciated, as I am losing sleep over this.

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Hi Joanna

What a difficult situation to be stuck in the middle of. It does look as if your ex thinks that if he avoids your older son for long enough, the message will get through... It also looks as if your older son never gave any thought to just how his actions would look to others and where they could lead to in the long run... Could it be that your older son is only asking about seeing your ex now as part of the "come here, go away" game he has been playing with your ex for some time now and does not realize that your ex has decided that he does not want to be a part of this game any more...

I think it is time to take a deep breath and have a talk with your older son. I would suggest telling him that you know that he has made certain statements to your ex about hitting or harming him in some way and that your ex is taking it all very seriously and has decided on not seeing him as the best way in which to defend himself from any further allegations being made... It could be that your son never thought that anyone would take what he said seriously; or never thought that if these allegations reached the ears of anyone in authority, then they would been investigated... He seems to be very good at "talking the talk" but has not quite realized that one day, he may have to face the consequences of scaring someone like this... You could also ask him what he thought would happen as a result of saying these things? If he says that he did not mean it, then you could ask him how others are supposed to know when he does mean what he is saying?

As has been said, there is a huge life lesson for your son here. Words once spoken can never be taken back as if they were never spoken at all and there may well be huge consequences... I would hope that your older son thinks very deeply about his actions and the impact they have had. It may well be too late to change things here, but he certainly should not make the same poor choices again.

Best wishes.

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Kelsey J(6)

Posted on 24-11-2018 at 7.46PM

Wow what an awful situation and in all honesty your ex should be ashamed really. To have taken on a kid and then just cut him off because he’s ‘difficult’ is awful. I understand one kid is his bio son but both should be treated the same because of the amount of time you’s were together. You also need to find out what has been said from your son and remember he’s 12. He’s already been rejected from his birth dad and for another dad to reject him too will be awful.

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Nikki N(43)

Posted on 24-11-2018 at 8.48PM

I know he’s not his real dad but he’s the only father he’s ever known since he was tiny, so for your husband to just cut him off after all these years is a little childish. At 13 he’s still a child. Yes - as you say he’s said some things to your husband that he probably shouldn’t have, but for your husband to be digging his heels in and not even consider any contact, that’s a little heartless. Your son should perhaps write him a letter and maybe that will start some dialogue, who knows.Hope you get this sorted x

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tanya p(67)

Posted on 24-11-2018 at 9.27PM

My friend was in this situation too,her ex husband was around from when her son was 12 months til he 14 when the ex husband moved out.He basically disowned his stepson despite being the only dad he’d known his stepson had really known,his stepson had even taken his surname.It was basically a cop out,he didn’t want any other responsibility towards his stepson.Moving on several years later and the same man has done the same thing to the 2 daughters he has with my friend and only sees the son they have together.Unfortunately some people just don’t turn out to be the person you thought they were.

I have been in exactly this same position. My oldest was also 3 when me and ex husband got together and nearly 11 when we split. He called him dad and his bio dad had never seen him or wanted to. Me and ex husband went on to have another boy and then a girl. Who were 5 and a half and nearly 4 at time of split. My oldest one is now 20 so this was a while ago. Unfortunately my ex husband did not want to continue seeing my oldest and would just come and collect his two kids although now they don’t want to stY over night with him do it’s rare short trips to go out for food etc. They are now 13 and 15.

It is very rubbish for your oldest and mine. My oldest was and can be difficult although no saying your not my dad etc it was more he would wind up the younger ones but he was diagnosed autistic but not til age 15 so after the split. Made sooo much sense when I look back at his behaviours.

If you want to talk to me directly about this I’m happy to help if that’s possible xx

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Claire S(2843)

Posted on 24-11-2018 at 10.06PM

Do you still have a reasonable enough relationship with your ex to maybe have him over for dinner once a fortnight or something? The contact could be supervised then by you to begin with - your ex would not feel at risk of being accused of anything, you could keep an eye on your sons behaviour, and both boys could see him, and in time this could lead to their relationship improving?

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Laura B(39)

Posted on 24-11-2018 at 11.00PM

I can see where he’s coming from the acccusations already made against him (which I’m assuming from the tone of your post are untrue) are serious and if as I suspect the threats made in private are of a sexual nature even more so if he made comments like that at school they would be duty bound to report them to social services and they would investigate, that could mean he’s stopped from seeing either of them, could have friends/family/coworkers spoken to that kind of mud sticks and it gets out can you imagine what that could mean for his life his job and his very safety maybe even his freedom if he were to follow through on those threats it may seam like an over reaction but that could all be going through his mind, and if their relationship was already strained to the point of making these accusations if it were me I wouldn’t think he actually wanted me in his life! I’m sorry if that sound harsh none of this is your fault it sounds like your trying your best in a bad situation but I don’t think it’s a simple as bio son vs step son love. I hope for all tour sakes your able to find a way through though x

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Sara W(76)

Posted on 25-11-2018 at 11.57AM

How awful for all of you. It is just a hideous situation for you all to be in. I remember when my Mum left my stepfather for another man who we were living with, I told them my stepfather had hit me. I don't know why I said it, at the time I suppose there was a reason but at 7 you aren't really thinking straight. There was a huge row and I never saw my stepfather again. I've always wondered what would have happened had I kept my mouth shut but as an adult, I accept that I played my part. Whilst your son might be terribly hurt by his stepfather's actions, I think that if you are honest about the reasons, he will understand in time. It might be worth asking at school if there is a counselling service or looking out for a youth help group like "Off the Record" where your son can explore his feelings about all this. With the best will in the world, you will feel protective of your son and angry with your ex so it is hard to be neutral. Your son might look very grown up at 12 but being abandoned twice is very hard and can leave you emotionally stunted. It really is best to try to find support rather than letting things fester. As a child I'd had 3 fathers and numerous uncles by the time I was his age. I took it all in my stride at the time but it really did take its toll. I really wish I'd had help to rationalise it all before it did untold damage.