Put a piece of blank computer page in front of me and I’m frozen. That’s where the days have gone. I make too much of this. No one has commented yet. So I can write for myself.

My head had all kinds of things to say a few minutes ago. Now it’s bashful and quiet.

Aged cheese. That’s what I want to say. Why do we value aged cheese and aged wine and then not value aged people? I want to age, mature, become wiser, grow up.

And I’m having a struggle with that. I don’t know whether it’s just the idea of change - no it’s the growing up. Taking responsibility for my life in a way that I haven’t. Giving up the idea that it is my life and letting LIFE live through me. Letting Spirit lead my life.

Can I do that?

It’s not a doing, it’s an allowing.

Does it really work?

I don’t know, I haven’t given it much of a try, not consciously. There have been times when life seemed to flow with ease and then I come along and mess it up.

There’s a conversation going on in my head. I’m not sure who is who. I know sometimes a part of me watches another part of me. That we have an observer and that when I shift my perspective, life can be very different.

Who am I? Where is the unique part of me that wants to express itself as it was born to do? Can I really write along and hope to see a glimpse of it/that part? I want to live on purpose and what is that purpose? Again who is that I? How do I get out of my way?

I’m tired of being perfect, of trying to be how I’m supposed to be, what my head tells me I “should” be and that’s where the days go. I become afraid of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, being myself/Self. And the days go by and I’m no closer to knowing who I am.

That voice again, well that’s not really true. You just don’t write about it. You keep it all to yourself.

I feel such a yearning to be known, to be seen, to be …. to be my self. To have the chutzpah to be just as I am, no hiding, no caring about what anyone else thinks, being free like I was as a kid.

Get that voice out of my head. Do kids have voices in their heads? A friend’s son talked about being on planets and really wild things like that.

Tears come to my eyes. The yearning is so strong. For what? To be free, to live as I want to, not throw out all society’s rules, free in some way that is me. Where did I loose me?

Trying to please others, to fit in, to hide my heart, to hide all the parts of me that I though weren’t acceptable. Now I want to bring them out of hiding and they are so scared. Will I like them, can I live with myself like that?

Can you? Are you alive? or keeping your aliveness hidden in a closet? buried under a rock since you were a kid? Will you come out and play? I want some real live people, oh yes, aged and I think we’re the better for it.

This entry was posted
on Wednesday, February 8th, 2006 at 4:13 pm and is filed under Process.
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