I was floating. Floating through a field of stars thicker than almond milk. It was like some kind of lactose-free Milky Way, and I was like a long-lost bowl of cereal trying to find my way home. NO!! I shouted to myself. It was Ernie who was lost, and I was out here trying to find him. This was no time for cereal talk. It was serious business. Or was it cereal business? Had this whole trip just been an excuse to try and export my new jalapeno-flavoured corn flakes to the Gamma Quadrant? I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. I saw Ernie’s head float toward me, going “crunch, crunch” like the sound of an exploding nebula.

Zap! I woke up in a ditch, cold, wet and thirsty. My mouth was on fire, which I suppose is what you get when you walk for 3 days straight eating nothing but jalapeno-flavoured corn flakes. Maybe Ernie had been right when he said we should have gone with dill pickle flavour. But this was no time for cereal talk. Or was it?

Zap! I woke up in a ditch again, but this time it was a real ditch, instead of that fake ditch from the lucid dream workshop at last year’s CUC ACM.

Then there was a VERY LONG PAUSE as the author considered ending the story right here…

Zap! Zap! Zap! The familiar sound of thunder-flies punctuated the night so now I knew I was really awake. I also knew it by the pain in my webbed feet, which were not built for long-distance trundling. And I had come a long way. I was now 100 miles West of West Hoglet, 30 cubits North of North Hamlet, and a few centimetres East of East Niblet, home of the world’s largest solar-powered laundromat.

That left only one direction to go. I walked South, toward that mysterious dome like structure at the top of the nearby hill. I used the last of my strength to knock on the door. I almost fainted when a voice came from the other side, saying, “Barn Bird, we’ve been waiting for you.”

I was wandering through the night. I was a long, tall corner-cob, dribbling kernels like recycled paint. My hands were wobbling, like pieces of meat on giant sticks called wrists. Yes, I was shaking. I had the tremors they used to call “shackalitis,” the syndrome you get from going into withdrawal from high-speed shack racing. Shack racing had been banned in our neighbourhood since 1978, ever since Ernie went over a cliff and blasted off into space, singing “Somewhere over the Rainbow” at the top of his lungs as he crossed the warp speed barrier. Scientists say that if you stick a telescope in your ear on a quiet, starry night, you can still hear him singing. I myself was on my way to science-land, crossing the cornfields of despair which prickled my webbed feet as I hoped gingerly along. I was going to become a scientist, the first ever duck-billed, corn-based scientist from West Hoglet. I was going to search for Ernie, and bring him back home.

The journal made it to Unicamp
Well to this day we still don’t know how
Was it in Judy’s bag?
Or was it whisked in by telepathy powered shack blimp?
Or was it mashed by Frank’s bar hands into a bole of almond butter and banana?

The journal made it to Unicamp
It was red by everyone and I do mean everyone including Kit’s spirit during the astral projection workshop
And some naked youth at the clothing optional beach
Yes it was even red in one of the caves by Stephen and Albert

And then, “dos anyone now where the journal is?” said Sophy
Had we lost it last night wen Harriet showed up and started steeling all our marshmallows wile we sat around the campfire singing folk songs like Joni Mitchell’s The Circle Game?
Had we…

It was OWL sex with Judy time in the youth wing of the UU congregation nestled, between Direct Subs and The Make Your Own Sup Nodal And Robotic Hair Transplant Outlet Store in The Big Brown Mall, subsequently nestled in the not so anonymous, suburb of Buffalo, New York
The youth had been waiting for this for three years
The youth had been making jokes about having owl sex with Judy or was it jokes about having OWL, with Judy?
They wanted to learn all about how not to get sexually transmitted infections like chlamydia, gonorrhea, genital herpes and crabs
They also wanted to learn about the differences between sexual orientation and gender identity
It was OWL sex with Judy time…

All the Buffalo con goers had just gone to the workshop called “Learning About Shake Vehicles” which featured the infamous, shack on wheels, shack on fines, shack lawn tractor, windup shack on wheels, shack zamboni and not to mention the newly constructed shack bicycle, and now it was time for the next item of the night which was to be presented by Judy Fanny Longtall seeing as it was hear creation/concept
It was to be the communal eating of the pinto bean popcorn, which was a newly engendered variety of popping corn, which contained a pinto bean in each kernel of corn which wen popped would change consistency to reassemble refried been
And all the con goers were to eat some of this popcorn with some salsa flavoured powder on top will watching a how-to movie entitled “How To Fold Laundry While Scuba-diving With The Queen Of England”
But before they could the power went out in the church
Luckily Judy remembered that it was a surprisingly hot winter night and that there was a vary bright full moon out
So she ushered everyone outside and they all howled at the moon

They can’t stand
To see her in
Her green suit
So they go
Squeamish!
The youth that is
They go
Squeamish!
When they see her in her lime green latex body suit
That is
Judy in her lime green latex body suit
They think it makes her look like
Like she has no style

They can’t endure
To notes her sporting
Her red wig
So they become
Agitated!
The teens you see
They become
Agitated!
When they do notes her sporting her long red woman’s wig
That is
Only Judy sporting her long red woman’s wig
They think it makes her look like
Like she has no style

I’m Judella
But you can call me Judy
That’s what she said to me
The next day I met her on the tractor
Going up the hill backwards
Yes backboards was the way I herd her speak
Guess I should’ve not played the “back words game” all night
All night I sat with Bill
We were eating six month old bagels and hommos
We were just trying to relive our time at “Danger Con”
Even at “Danger Con”, I never ever did anything like THIS!
I mean have nonsexual but still arousing fun in the woman’s washroom with only a sock poppet and Frosty The Snowperson’s cosine Crispy The Snowperson

You say: “who the hell is Frank?”
Well I’ll just tell you that he is the one who gets me dawn in the evening, and the one who gets me up in the morning
And that he is not boring
‘Cause he is exited, but only wen he goes to get the best bread
Yeah he only goes to get the best bread when it is in read
Read paper bags marked with tags indicating that it is on sale for 3 dollars for 2 loaves at Mallar’s Gourmet Oven Cookery
You say: “who the hell is Frank?”
Well I’ll just tell you that he is the one who gets me dawn at twilight, and the one who gets me up at down
And that he is not gone
‘Cause he is so right hear with his laughter that gets me red in my face, just like the colour of my bed
My bed I got from Ted at Previously Used Beds, Bedding and Mattresses

Can you get to a con while just riding on a fawn?
“No!” says Judy now a newbie youth advisor ‘cause you need to instead be a minivan rider
Can you get to a con faster then in 7 flat hours?
Not if it’s in QuOM or SLD ‘cause you might encounter showers
And yes you can get to a con before the ice breaker activities start!
Well that is if you leave from the very beginning like a speeding dart

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About

The Judy Story Poems (TJSP) began in the early 2000s and to date there have been over 80 of them written. For “Clueless Judies” (those unfamiliar with TJSP) TJSP are an ongoing poetry series set in a zany Unitarian Universalist universe. They centre on a young person named Judy who is totally chute, quite ogreish and very much a giantess and just happens to live in an unnamed suburb of Buffalo, NY, USA. They also include some of Judy’s friends like the very wacky Frank, Glenn and Bill. Read the rest here.