Paying Vince Staples To Never Make Music Again
by
peter(4 min reading time)

March 07, 2018

I don’t know if you guys have seen this yet but Vince Staples has started a GoFundMe page for everyone who hates his music.

Tired of being criticised, he has given the world the opportunity to pay for his early retirement and never have to listen to him again… This would be a shame but hey, at least we would always have Loco to fall back on it. Two years later and that chorus is still catchy as fuck, Kilo Kush was such a solid choice to sing the hook with him.

Right now you might be thinking this is a post all about Vince Staples.

SHYAMALAM TWIST

It’s not really about Vince at all (Does this make the title count as clickbait? I’m sorry if you really clicked on this post expecting an in depth analysis of how I was going raise enough money to pay Vince to never make music again).

In fact what this post is really about, is me telling you who I wish I could pay to never make music again. That’s right, if I somehow turned my extremely limited skill set into the £2,000,000 it would cost to force Vince Staples into an early retirement, how would I spend it?

PETE’S £2,000,000 BUDGET

Every Xanax Rapper Ever – £1,000,000

This will cause a bit of trouble in the Freshborngold offices but I’m not even going to bother separately listing which ones I dislike and the reasons why. They are simply one bland, pink haired, shitty tatted group of frauds who are stealing a living, may as well give them their pay day now and we will all be better off.

G-Eazy – £250,000

I can’t lie, I’m biased here. The guy has called himself G-Eazy… He isn’t making it easy for me to back him. Stupid name and image he has tried to cultivate for himself aside, he can actually string words together which is a step up from the group before. I can even admit he is little bit catchy.

It just happened that during my brief spell working in the lab (Analysing samples, not cooking up fire beats unfortunately) I was forced to listen to Capital all day long. If any of you guys have had the misfortune of being forced to listen to Capital, their playlist variety is limited and I mean EXTREMELY limited. Within a 9 hour shift I would hear the most popular songs of the time on at least 7 separate occasions. This was peak Me, Myself & I time and even the best songs begin to grate after you have heard them for 50th time that week… Unfortunately Me, Myself & I doesn’t even come close to that level to begin with.

Sorry G-Eazy, blame Capital.

But also bin off that stupid image.

Biffy Clyro – £250,000

Biffy were always one of those bands seemingly adored by everyone, I never found that same adoration in myself but I sure didn’t mind them.

Then came Re-arrange.

Are you fucking kidding me Biffy, what were you thinking? This song is truly trash, as soon as I hear that opening, a real anger builds inside me that they were happy to unleash this on the unsuspecting world. Why didn’t any of them pause for a second and think about what they were doing.

Why didn’t the label stop them?

Why didn’t their friends and family stop them?

Why has it been played over 20 million times on Spotify?

I don’t think we will ever get the answers to these questions.

Kings of Leon realised their mistake with Sex on Fire and repented for their sins. One day I hope to see the same from Biffy.

The Last Shadow Puppets – £500,000

I love Alex Turner.

I love Miles Kane.

I love Arctic Monkeys

I loved The Rascals.

The Last Shadow Puppets suffered from what almost every other super group does. It just doesn’t reach the same levels of the individual ingredients, you can probably count on one hand the amount of super groups that actually surpassed the expectations built from having all your favourite musicians working together.

LTSP certainly don’t do that. That’s not to say they are bad, far from it, it’s quite enjoyable music if maybe a little blander than I hoped after hearing Age of The Understatement for the first time.

This half a milli will be well spent if I get more music from them individually rather than in the form of LTSP.