Discover what happens after the break-up

Questions

A therapist and friend of mine told me this weekend that my problem is that I have not fully grieved my loss? And that until I do, I will be stuck. Or worse, move on in appearance, but still unhealed inside–like an athlete coming back too soon to play. Ok, so my question is this.

How do you grieve and not wallow?

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4 Responses

damn, man … I am going to catch up with your entries, since I can’t sleep. I see a new young’un is among the readership, Reese 78 (hey, I remember that year!!), so I am looking forward to seeing what she brings to the table.

I started off with ‘damn’, because this is something that I picked up on a LONG time ago. And I know that if your other persona, the dawg guy who ‘posts’ occasionally here, knows, then YOU KNOW.

You had better quit playing. I feel like telling you the truth … I can take YOUR situation, and go out tonight and find at least 4 REAL canidates to be in a long term relationship, and two of them very well could be the one.

Can you?? I know that you can, otherwise it is a lifetime of bitchin’ an moanin’ about the one crap girl that you lost (face it, she had to be crap, if she is out bangin’ old boyfriends and you are trying to be in love with her!!), and being a ‘why can’t I find love’ victim.

And if you do that, then that crap is all on you … Thom Yorke sang it … “You do it to yourself, you do … and that’s what really hurts…”

That crap ain’t cool or sexy in the least bit. Self-flagellation. Ugh.

Well Joe, if I had to take a stab at it, I believe that grieving is allowing yourself to feel how you feel about the situation. You grieve by accepting all those feelings that come out of this. The pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the deceit, the anger…you allow yourself to feel those things and you don’t bash yourself for having those feelings. I believe the grieving process allows you the time to mourn the passing of your life as it was.

Now, as for wallowing, it’s a whole different story. Wallowing is when you allow yourself to be stuck in feeling those things all the time. You can feel how you feel but you have to put your all into making sure that you don’t allow that grief to stop you from living life. It’s easier said than done, but nothing is easy about situations like these. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you to hold things together as you did in the final months. But you committed to it and to the relationship and gave it your best. It’s time for you to commit the same way to moving past the pain.

I want to. but nights like tonight, I just want to lock myself away and cry. I even hesitate to write the feelings out here, because so many feel I’m wallowing, and having a pity party. I can spend all day thinking about work, and doing what i need to do on an everyday basis, but the nights or early mornings get me. especially the mornings, when I feel the absence of love in my life. And I mean romantic love, not the love of friends or family. I have that, and its strong. But we all need that special love, and I think its harder to not have it anymore, when you’ve had it for so long. Or at least felt like you had it.

When I think about how she is moving through the day and weeks, and dates without a thought, then I feel, the love could not have been that strong.