The Long Season Awards

1. Pedro Martinez is Jolt Cola: Twice the sugar. All the caffeine. Not only can’t you close your eyes, you won’t want to. The hum in your head is unmistakable. Your senses are tingling. Gotta have another blast of that stuff. A sprinkler could come on and you wouldn’t notice. A sign could get stuck in the wrong position and you’d just dance. That you might come crashing down at the very end of the night and not be able to do very much of anything before finally going to sleep shouldn’t detract from how this was everything it was promised to be. A more sudden Jolt to the doldrums was never felt.

2. Cliff Floyd is Miller Lite: Hits Great! Less Illin’! Hits Great! Less Illin’! It’s a new and improved formula that doesn’t leave you feeling weighed down by unmet expectations and isn’t so heavy that you can’t move around with surprising litheness. Yet it’s full-bodied. Now we’re living the high life. And there’s no doubt why we asked it to be on this list.

3. David Wright is Strawberry Quik: Quicker than Strawberry, actually. No milk drink had ever produced so much so immediately and this, unlike that, appears to be a genuine milk drink. Wholesome. Pure. Smooth. The only additives are the promise of getting even better and the hope that it will be served for another decade or two.

4. Jose Reyes is SoBe Adrenaline Rush: Need a burst of energy? Open it up, pour it down and get ready to run, not walk. Grab one every day. It’s available that often. Works fast. Side effects: You won’t want to stop; you’ll want to make things happen; your body may get ahead of your head. But is that really so terrible?

5. Roberto Hernandez is Old Forester Bourbon: Dates back to the 1870s, but can still deliver when called on. A rich, reassuring, robust flavor that won’t let you down when everything else has. Because it came with such a deep heritage, it was easy to dismiss at first in favor of trendier drinks. But there were days when this spirit that came out of the woods was all that stood between you and a terrible hangover. Quite a kick after all these years. Aaaahhhh…

MOST ENIGMATIC MET AS EXPRESSED VIA FIVE COCA-COLA BEVERAGE EQUIVALENTS

1. Carlos Beltran is OK Soda. Just OK. And what’s that supposed to taste like anyway?

2. Carlos Beltran is Fresca. They keep changing the labeling (a leader; quiet; moody; religious; disappointed; disappointing; injured; three-hitter; two-hitter; bound to break out), but it generally tastes the same. It has its fans but it’s not that popular.

3. Carlos Beltran is TaB. A $119-million tab. And in the hole for $17 million.

4. Carlos Beltran is Minute Maid. At least he was.

5. Carlos Beltran is Surge. At least we hope he will.

I JUST WANT TO CELEBRATE ANOTHER DAY OF LIVING IN 2005

1. June 11: Marlon Anderson[1] does not stop at third. Cliff Floyd[2] does not strike out. The Mets do not lose to the Angels in the best non-Subway Series Interleague game in the history of Shea Stadium.

2. July 14: David Wright makes a ridiculous diving catch. Cliff Floyd makes another one. David hits two homers. Mike Piazza hits an even bigger one. The Mets beat the Braves and the second half gets off to an awesome start[3].

3. April 10: Pedro Martinez assures us and the world that the Mets won’t go 0-6[4] to say nothing of 0-162.

4. August 30: Is that an explosion[5]? No, it’s RA-MON! Watch out Phillies — we’re just a half-game behind!

1. Heath Bell: I hope he deserves the kind of adulation he received in absentia real soon.

2. Anderson Hernandez: We could have gotten the same production from Anderson Cooper.

3. Steve Trachsel: If we’re intent on cleaning most of the pre-2005 bric-a-brac out of our closet, I’d sooner toss Trachsel than Piazza. Mad props for coming back from disc surgery, but the guy gave off vibes that a team in contention existed solely for the purpose of giving him starts when the five men in the rotation were doing all right without him. Sign him at his low option, but trade him as soon as you can. He really is a reminder of a crappy era.

2. Hozzie: Couldn’t handle the celebration spurred by Cliff’s game-winner off Brendan Donnelly nor the ruckus attendant to what Floyd did to the Skanks’ upper deck two weeks later. Every time I cheered Cliff loudly, Hozzie hid under furniture[17]. Like pitchers everywhere, I guess he’s more than a little intimidated by Monstas.

3. Avery: His September arrival[18] coincided with the Mets rising from four games under to four games over. There’s a lot of magic in that kitten.

Fastball driven in the air toward right-centerfield…chasing back is Finley…on the track, reaches out…CAN’T GET IT! Kicks it away! It’s rolling toward the corner! Anderson around second! He’s on his way to third! Finley’s tracked it down! Anderson is being…WAVED AROUND! He’s comin’ to the plate…the relay throw…he slides…SAFE! It’s an inside-the-park-home run! And it ties the game! Marlon Anderson with an inside-the-park home run…he is shaken up…Jose Molina arguing the call, Mike Scioscia out as well, but Marlon Anderson has tied the game at two and two with an inside-the-park home run. Finley tried to field it on the warning track, kicked it toward the corner, and Anderson came all the way around ahead of the relay throw by Adam Kennedy…Anderson still down on his knees as Mike Herbst and Willie Randolph look after him, but with his FIRST home run as a New York MET, Marlon Anderson has tied the game, and as he gets to his feet, he gets a ROUSING ovation from the crowd at Shea Stadium!

—Gary Cohen, 6/11/2005

ENCORE! ENCORE!

Bell is the lead run. He’s on second. Alfonzo at first with two out. Eight to eight, bottom of the eighth. Incredible. Mulholland ready to go. The pitch to Piazza…swing and a drive deep down the left field line…toward the corner…IT’S OUTTA HERE! OUTTA HERE! Mike Piazza with a LINE DRIVE three-run homer! Just inside the left field foul pole! The Mets have tied a club record with a ten-run inning! And they’ve taken the lead…eleven…to eight! Piazza drives in a run for a thirteenth straight game, and for the first time in twenty-one years the Mets have put up a ten-run inning. They’ve done it against the Atlanta Braves, they’ve come from seven runs down…here in the bottom of the eighth inning. They lead it eleven to eight. Incredible!

—Gary Cohen, 6/30/2000

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