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I’m sorry I’ve been popping around even though it’s not even once a year. I come because I need things, not because I have to see you.

I never dated in high school because I was always afraid that whoever I did date would stalk me, or just never let this idea of being with me go. I know that sounds silly, but these are serious fears I had. Or should I say have.

The truth of the matter is that you were the only guy that ever really made me feel safe. You were the only one who made me laugh, the only one who made me smile, the only one who gave me this warm fuzzy feeling inside when I fell so unbelievably low as the leaves fell with me.

At 16, everything was still new to me, as it is for every 16 year old. But there’s something I always knew, that I may never find the feeling I felt when I was with you.

I’m not coming around to spark something that could’ve happened years ago.

No, I literally just need to buy things.

I am sat here overthinking because today I was faced with the feeling of being unsafe.

I thought I saw someone I used to know at my bus stop.

I told myself it wasn’t who I thought, that it wasn’t what I thought…

And then I saw him again later on in the night.

He was alone, still wearing the same clothes, the same sweater I had seen at the bus stop earlier in the day, the same sweater I had my face buried in over a year ago as he hugged me and dammit the tears forming in my eyes can’t put into words how it feels to feel unsafe.

And then I saw you last weekend.

You told me to come back and see you, you looked down with a flushed face as I tried to read the signs on if you really did want me to see you again or if it was pure sarcasm.

I thought that if you really wanted to see me, then you would. If you really wanted to speak to me, then you would. If you really wanted me to be yours, I would have been already.

I got the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the warm and fuzzy feeling I haven’t truly felt since I met your eyes across a room as 16 years old-you told your jokes-and I laughed at everything… even the really bad ones.

But tonight I’m sat feeling sort of lonely, yes. But, I’m also scared. I don’t want any ghosts from my past, I’ve NEVER been one to revisit those unless on my own.

I’m thinking about you now because you always made me feel safe.

It’s all very stupid I know, and you may think I’m crazy, I know, and hell you even said “come back and see me” but is that out of love or is that out of pity.

Oh, just because today I asked myself why I should deprive myself of sweets and I couldn’t come up with much of an answer besides not wanting to make snacking a massive habit.

When did it all become about numbers; how many pieces of cake, how many slices of pizza, how pieces out of the massive box of goldfish I bought at Target…

As long as I know what I’m doing, I don’t hold myself to absurd standards like exercising every single day for two hours (not that I’m the person to ask about working out) or eating ONLY organic food and little sugar or calories-what have you- I’ll be alright.

I eat for myself.

I eat for the pure happiness of it, and I eat when I’m hungry, not when I’m bored.

Okay, that’s a bold lie, sometimes when I’m bored and its just been one of those days with endless movies, then yes I will without a doubt.

But other than that I try to balance the healthy foods with the not so healthy foods… it’s really all anyone can do.

So I say, eat the cake. Life’s too short. Worry about the silly things later.

I wish there was some kind of book or guide on being 21… but there isn’t.

That’s a GOOD thing.

Living up to normal standards all the time is exactly how new ones are never made.

Why should you do what everyone else is doing and not what you want to do?

Why should you worry your life away about not having money when there are a million ways to live happily without it?

I’m not going to say the regular, “compare your life to someone beneath you and you’ll find they are much happier” thing or the “rich people may seem like they have everything, but they don’t really because where’s the real love” that has probably been said 50 times.

But, what I will say is that there is NO rule book to being 21. There is NO rule book on LIFE, for that matter.

Everyone makes decisions which lead them on and on and on into the future…. there are people before you, and people after you.

The world doesn’t stop.

It never stops.

It turns, and turns, and turns, creating the happiest and most devastating moments in every single persons every day lives.

As dreadful of a day you’re having, it could be someones best.

As amazing as the day is, there will be some point where it will take a tubmle…

But does that mean you should dread the happiness you’re experiencing now, only to realize you’ll be hurt later?

NO.

Create the life you want, live the life you want, do what YOU want.

Do not sweat the small stuff, the past, the future, the side-eyes or back-talk.

Do what YOU want, what YOU love, what YOU know you are here for a reason to do.

You’re young, you’re 21, you have a whole blank canvas in front of you that you have the ability of morphing into whatever way you please.

You are meant to live one life, that is you’re own and no one else’s as much as you may wish you were living someone else’s or someone else wishes you were living theirs…

Every path you’ve ever been on has been a good path whether or not you’re still at the top of them.

There is no right way, there is no rule book, there are no guarantees in life, but there damn well is the decision to follow who YOU want to be and BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU WANT TO DO with your life.

I’m always making notes. Ever since I was able to hold a pen, I’ve been making notes, songs, writing down ideas.
I can’t tell you how much data I’ve used up by writing notes on my phone ( and two others from before) along with my iPad (rip) and computer.
I wish there was a way for me to find all of them. Although there isn’t, there’s at least my old e-mail which hold quite a few.
One day I’ll go through them, maybe share a few… but for now I just want to talk about how much I love writing.
Not only do I focus better, remember tasks I’d otherwise forget, and come up with creative ideas that I put few to use, but it helps me feel like I’ve accomplished something.
I started out with a pen and paper, even now I do still prefer a pen and paper… but, those ideas that come on around 2 am or so (the most creative I think), or the ideas that come to thought in a dream, are written in my phone.
No matter how you look at it, you’ll see I always write and I most likely date the paper too.
There’s something I find really cool about going to back to things I wrote or drew back in 2013, for instance, because it sparks memory and it sparks a piece of history from my life.
It does for everyone when they discover something they thought they lost.
The way we write tells a story too; why do we curve the g’s and y’s?
Why do we write in cursive or print?
Why do we have sloppy handwriting sometimes and clean as pledge the next?
There are more unique things about ourselves than what we thought…
Even when it comes to something as “simple” as writing.
Thanks for reading. 🔥
Love,

** I wrote this back in November. I’m sharing it now because I’m going through old notes, and am finding a lot of poems, writings, pieces, whatever you want to call them.🌸All I want to add is that a whole lot can change in just one year.🎬**

It’s been next to five months and I can still feel his lips on mine.

I can feel his arms wrapped around my waist as he pulls me in for a hug. I always loved those.

I can sense his eyes as my own follow a page of a book.

I can hear his heart as it asks to be mine, but I refuse to take it.

And now I understand why he ran when I finally came to the decision to express that I loved him.

He couldn’t handle me.

Back and forth I went, in fact I made a bet with myself on when he would get sick of me. Purely because, I wanted him too.

I forced my way out of his heart in order to protect my own.

But what I would come to find is that when I felt the time was right, he would vanish because something pretty and new had walked by.

And it was no surprise to me that I couldn’t keep his eye.

But what would provoke me to believe I was at a loss when he had given up something he couldn’t see, something he defied in every sense of beauty, someone who claimed she was the queen.

I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, point blank is that it’s not another thing to add to why one gender is worse than another.

So many comments on all sorts of platforms, including real-life revolve around who cheats more, men, or women. If you are a man it’s likely you’ll say women, and if you are a woman it’s likely you’ll say men, ESPECIALLY if you yourself have experienced cheating. Of course this doesn’t apply to everyone on the planet, however I’d like to think at least some people see where I’m coming from.

To feel as if you can’t trust another person is one level, but to KNOW that someone has the audacity to cheat or hurt and then lie in your face is another.

You, yes YOU deserve better. You deserve to know better, and be loved by better.

I don’t want you to think slimey people are all that exist after one encounter with a partner that just hits the fan. I definitely don’t want that to happen if it was your first relationship.

But I especially don’t want it to become a battle consistently of whether or not men are the biggest cheaters, or women are.

Life is complicated as it is, should we really throw more gasoline on the fire?

Whether or not you were cheated on, know YOU are still fine as hell. There’s zero reason for you to doubt your self-worth, whether or not you were good enough, pretty enough, loving enough, NO.

And there is zero reason to single-out any gender, or place the blame for some of human-kinds misguided and idiotic people on a sole string of incidents that are relatable for almost every person in a comment section.

This is the cheaters problem. It is all the cheaters problem. You may not see the justice now, but know darn well it’s coming and karma will quite simply smack them in the face if you’re not quick enough to yourself.

Do me a favor though, please?

Recognize that it’s not a genders issue, it’s a cheater’s mind.

P.S. Recognize that you’re sad and it’s okay to be sad rather than playing it off… it’s okay to be sad for a while, however long you need to, but also remember that time waits for no one and once you understand they weren’t a waste of time but a blur of lessons, then you can begin to accept that the world will turn with or without that toxic person in you’re life.

And sometimes, too much of a good thing– or what you think is at least– really isn’t so good after all.

I have a gut feeling this movie is going to inspire a lot of little girls, a lot of women, and people in general.

This doesn’t strike me as a movie that will only show the good scenes in the trailer just to “get hype.”

It’s apparent to me that this movie deserves the hype due to the fact that it doesn’t’ appear at all to be a let down both in the trailers, and considering the director is also a woman (who may be able to bring a more relatable side of the character to the movie-goers as well).

Today at work, at least 3 times alone (the most I can ever remember in one sole day) I was asked if a man, a boy, anyone besides a female could carry cases of water for a customer. Seriously, this really did happen. Even after I did truck and moved about 200 cases of product, quite a lot of it being heavy.

What I did was at least took it to the counter for the customer. He looked at me in shock, this elderly man, and questioned “that’s not heavy to you?” with eyes practically bulging out of his head I politely said “no, not at all” and smiled.

And no, I’m definitely not the strongest woman anyone will come across, I don’t lift or work out much besides when at work, however I AM in fact able to do it so why the hell should I not?

Afterwards, a man came in to get a propane tank, and before I could grab it off the shelf, he said “no, no, wait I got it” even though I’ve done this at least 50 times… and he did do just that.

I want to mention that I have zero problem if someone (a man specifically in this case) wants to help me, however, if I’m not struggling in the slightest bit, if I don’t mind in the slightest bit, and hell, even if I do mind sometimes; I don’t feel there should be a place where a man says to me “no, you shouldn’t lift that, its too heavy for a woman.”

It is insulting to me, to watch someone else do a job I could easily do, only because they are a male.

I hope the movie “Wonder Woman” –and the fact that it was directed by a woman as well– can inspire as many people as its already inspired me to remind myself I’m a badass woman, when others fail to realize.

I have a really good feeling about this movie, what are you thinking about it? Do you think it’s too hyped up, or are you excited to see what it has in store?

Lemme know what you think 🙂

*Note: I found the featured image on Deviant Art, it’s done by TristanHartup*

I’m wearing this eyeshadow, I’m wearing this full face of makeup, or at least what *I* consider a full face of makeup— for Myself.

I’m not wearing it because social media told me to.

I have a choice.

I have an option of whether or not I want to wear makeup.

Everyone seems to try to pinpoint what is “right” and what is “wrong” all the time, or they try to keep on everyone’s side to seem like they aren’t bias.

Now let me tell you, I care, I do. I care a lot about everyone I meet, what people think of me (semi-sometimes) because everyone feels this way, it’s just natural to care.

Everyone questions “am I good enough, is this winged liner even, do I even feel like wearing foundation today… no, but I’m going to wear it anyways because there’s this cute guy in my class and in order for me to work up the courage to even look at him I have to look inside my soul, find this confidence that’s buried somewhere, and LET IT FREE by wearing whatever make-up makes me feel damn GOOD on this day.”

Yes, that sentence was completely bombastic and slightly unnecessary.

But the key thing to remember out of what I just said is confidence.

Everyone has it, it’s fueled by different things. Me for instance, I do better at life in general when I feel like myself, when I feel good, whether that’s with make-up or without.

There used to be a time where I wore make-up because I felt like I had to. I felt naked without it, or I felt just completely not myself.

And sometimes I still do feel that way, but I’ve noticed the caring on that level has SUNK, let me tell you.

I went out in public, with no makeup, hadn’t washed my hair, I looked like I was going through a crisis slightly, because I kinda sort of was, and I took a smoothie to this guy that sort of liked me but I wanted to be clear we were just friends and I thought he was sweet.

SoooooOoOoooOOOOOO I went back in the house and immediately was asked “what, you went out like that?” and I said “yes, who cares? If he likes me anyways then he needs to see the real me, and accept me, right?”

*laughs at self *

…………………………………

ohhh my goddd

And then the other person just looked at me and smiled probably internally screaming “what happened to you?!?!?!”

But seriously, I’m sitting here telling you that you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing to feel good about yourself.

You don’t have to wear a full face of makeup; you don’t even have to wear any make-up.

And yes I know there are girls that exist who do both proudly and props to you, I am that person too—sometimes.

But the truth is, I just love makeup. And, I also just love rubbing my eyes.

Everyone stresses about being liked but it’s all about doing whatever you like— that will help you achieve this happiness and validation you’re searching for.

And if you’re really looking for likes, you need to be yourself. An original, not a copy of a neighbor or celebrity; you’ll be surprised how many positive responses you get when you yourself feel good about what you’re doing, wearing, and putting out into the world.

*P.S. I sort of want to film a video on this, do you have any thoughts on it? Am I missing anything or do you sort of relate to me at all? I’d love to hear. 🙂