I am 26 years old, have been with my husband for almost 10 years, married for 8 1/2, and learning a ton through raising our 5 crazy/beautiful children. I am here simply for sharing what I have learned and am still learning... mostly on the subject of how God has taught me the beauty of living with a heart sold out for him, and not divided between what the world wants of me and what my conscience tells me is righteous.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

When the Enemy seeps in...

I felt him... gnawing at my soul, once again. The moment I allowed myself to believe in the lies & allow the fear to seep in, I allowed him in with. Horror grips me & steals sleep each night. I wake, although not really ever sleeping, to sounds that drive me crazy... the worry begins to take over until I can't even get myself out of bed to go to the bathroom. "WHY!??? STOP IT!!! It's all make believe, Brandi... just get up. Stop letting the fear control you."

This is what happens to me whenever I watch movies or TV shows that have anything to do with my worst nightmares-- murder, rape, kidnapping, burglery, etc.

I've been really battling this because I know I'm "spiritually sensitive" or very "aware" of that whole realm... but it's so difficult to consciously CHOOSE to not watch the same movie as someone else just because I know it's going to bug me later or keep me awake at night. I feel like I shouldn't struggle w/it so much anymore, as I've been an adult for several years now. Yet, no matter what, it leaks in to every part of my day like a bad hangover... and it's horrifying during the night.

Tonight I enjoyed a wonderful night out to dinner with the ladies from bible study, and as I was ampt up on laughter & fellowship, I decided I needed to follow up with getting into the Word (I've been lacking the past two weeks). So, while my husband turned on a show, I opted to stick my headphones in, listen to some Christian music on my IPOD, & do some devotions. I'm so thankful I did because I truly feel the Lord led me to this verse in Psalms 94, verse 19"In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul."

I'm making it a goal to etch this into my mind & praying it will help me to filter out the visions I allow myself to store up, and God-willing, it will also fill me up with His comfort & peace.

2 comments:

Wow, Bran.....I didn't realize how much you struggled with that. I knew it was a big issue when you were younger, but I know I need to continue to pray for you even now. I love your relationship with Christ and how you let God be in control.....you seek Him and listen to His lead. You are a blessing and inspiration, even to your Mommy!LOVE YOU SO much! ((((hugs)))