You know that scene in American Pie where Jim has an intimate encounter with an apple pie? You know the one. Appendage in a baked good. You got it. Now, have you ever contemplated having “a moment” with something you have eaten? Because I have, and it happened on Sunday while brunching at Tipsy Parson in Chelsea. The dish I ordered was called Pig in a Poke, consisting of stone-ground grits, andouille sausage, poached eggs, and toast soldiers. Couldn’t have planned the poking reference more perfectly to how I felt while eating this dish.

Let me hit you with a visual.

Isn’t it beautiful? The layers of grits, topped with poached eggs, topped with sausage and when you dip your fork in the eggs and it oozes out perfectly and then you sop it up with the bread…I have to stop. I can’t continue. I wanted to do bad things to it.

Breathe.

I don’t know how, but before that, the three of us split one of their cinnamon rolls with cream cheese frosting. I’m not sure how a human could eat a whole one because it was so dense I could barely stand up after. Maybe my bloody mary was also to blame, but seriously, 1/3 of that cinnamon roll probably weighs the same amount as my foot.

Serious sugar high, can you tell?

After brunch we headed to Chelsea Piers to use a Groupon I had that was about to expire. This Jew isn’t losing her money!

Have you ever tried to move your arms but you couldn’t because they felt like limp noodles hanging from your shoulders? Not only do I feel this when consuming the boozy, but I also feel this after hitting over a hundred balls at the Chelsea Piers Golf Range. I am still feeling the burn when I lift my arms to put my hair up and do the YMCA.

It’s kind of funny to be hitting golf balls while surrounded by snow. I’m more used to palm trees. You have no idea how many people stopped me and laughed at me for carrying golf clubs throughout the city. “Golf in this weather? Good luck,” says the guy carrying cross-country skis while waiting for the subway.

Don’t judge my form, but I just want you to see that I am wearing a scarf while golfing. They claim these stalls are heated, but of course they give us the one with no heater. I prevailed, as a champion always does, but my hands were pretty numb by the end. Was pretty glad I was wearing one glove the whole time. I highly recommend going here when it gets a little warmer out as it was such a great stress reliever and a lot of fun. We couldn’t even use up all the balls we bought so we decided to call it a day. Save them for another day. Another warmer day. Will you join me?