‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Is throwing wine something that even gets you on a reality show?

Sonja invites Ramona and Aviva over to do a little sunbathing at her borrowed Hamptons home, and she hires a bartender to wait on the three of them as they lounge around the pool because that is just a reasonable use of money when one is lodged deep in the bowels of bankruptcy proceedings. I’m pretty sure “hire a bartender to serve you glasses of cold white wine while you and two of your friends sit around a backyard pool and leer at him” is right at the top of the list of financial tips Sonja’s accountants gave her.

However, Ramona calls at the last moment to explain that she is not going to be joining them because it’s hot. Of course, that’s the point of sunbathing, and Ramona doesn’t make her case any better by explaining that she had gone out jogging at 11 that morning and is now too hot to lie around and drink wine in the shade.

Sonja is rightfully miffed at Ramona’s snub and pouts about it to Aviva who is all, “blah blah, Ramona loves you, she says you make her smile, blah,” but Sonja isn’t convinced because this is going to be a plot point this season: Sonja and Ramona are on the outs so as to remain relevant plotwise and not get themselves Jill’d or Kelly’d or Lunchbox Head’d from the show for reasons that are vague at best. Something about Sonja not having a business plan? That as good an excuse as any, I guess.

So instead of lounging around the pool with a glass of Pinot Ramona and Aviva’s prosthetic leg, Ramona spends the afternoon with The Countess and Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill at a design showcase, which is one of those things that people do in places like The Hamptons. After testing the removability of the removable wallpaper — which I am certain the designer was totally cool with her doing — and playing a round of “Does it Float?” in the backyard pool with some melamine plates, Ramona and the royals retire to one of the design bedrooms to lounge around on a perfectly made bed and gossip about Sonja’s financial troubles. Ramona informs Her Serene Highness and The Countess that Sonja is on the verge of having the bank sell her townhouse out from underneath her, and The Princess and The Countess aren’t sure which to be more scandalized by: Sonja’s denial of her impending homelessness or Ramona gossiping about it. That doesn’t stop Princess Carole from marching over to Heather’s beach house to blab to her and Kristen all about Sonja’s problems, however.

Sometime later, I’m supposing it’s the next day, but who even knows, The Countess, Aviva, Sonja and Ramona meet at a vineyard for a wine tasting, where The Countess and Aviva compare the first wine offered as “too tart” and tasting “like urine.” Well, what did you expect from white throwing wine, ladies?

D’fwink responsibly. (http://tinafeys.co.vu/)

Upon her arrival, Sonja pointedly gives Ramona the cold shoulder I suppose in retaliation for Ramona not coming over to sunbathe, even though Sonja HIRED A BARTENDER AND EVERYTHING. Before Sonja can even begin drinking her urine wine, The Countess begins peppering her with questions about the bankruptcy and the house and what did ever become of that toaster oven, anyway? Sonja explains that Sonja is SO MUCH BIGGER than a toaster oven that retails for $25 (Wait, that’s how much a Sonja with a Sexy J toaster oven costs? SIGN ME UP FOR ALL OF THEM.): Sonja is an entire home collection. The Countess, however, finds it dubious that Sonja can manage a home collection when she hasn’t yet been able to get the toaster oven she’s been working on for 3 years onto the shelves.

Aviva tries to helpfully explain that when you think of “Sonja with a Sexy J” you think “A Sad Aging Socialite Who Is Trying to Tamp Down Her Own Existential Dread at the Utter Meaninglessness of it All By Prancing Around in Front of Her Friends and Family in Ill-Fitting Undergarments She Picked Up at Cindie’s from the $10 and Under Rack and Pretending She has a Line of Blenders and Toaster Ovens at Some Mystery Department Store” “Sex.” And so Ramona suggests that Sonja put out her own line of sex toys, which I guess is supposed to be a joke, but her line of “nasty massagers” and “gross oils” is helping Kandi Burruss laugh all the way to the bank, so. Sonja is exasperated by all of this and explains that “the reason people buy the toaster oven is because they read [her] toaster oven newsletter because of sex. WHAT PART OF THIS PERFECTLY LOGICAL TRAIN OF THOUGHT AREN’T YOU GETTING, LUMAN?”

The ladies retire outside with their wine, where Ramona tries to bring up the whole Aviva/Her Serene Highness controversy again, only to have Sonja sigh loudly that she’s SO BORED with it. Aren’t we all, Sonja. Aren’t we all. The Countess tells Aviva that while she’s not taking sides on the issue, Aviva does have a tendency to take things too far and go overboard, prompting Aviva to lash back that Aviva thinks The Countess straddles the fence too much and should take a side. Sonja sneers that The Countess is a diplomat and that’s why she personally could never be married to a royal, Sonja needs to be able to express her true opinions. The Countess, insulted!, has an opinion to share: Sonja is being a royal bitch right now. But just as quickly as she blows up at Sonja, The Countess backs off on account of everything Sonja is going through right now, with the money and the not having any…

Ramona, changing the subject from Aviva and The Countess because ugh, suggests to Sonja that she forego the whole housewares collection as it will be difficult to actually execute unless she has someone with deep pockets investing in it. Sonja, however, decides to double down on the crazy: she is going to have a housewares collection and a French shirt business and the lingerie line and the caburlesque traveling show with merchandise and the collection of yellow and white diamonds and the toaster ovens and the tabletop collection and her comedy tour and her intern/bartender rental business and the gloves line and the restaurant she is opening up with Dennis Rodman and Webster and … Ramona and The Countess are both, “whoa whoa whoa, what ‘yellow and white diamond collection?’ Since when are you doing a jewelry line?” “SINCE ALWAYS,” Sonja rages back, “I’VE TOLD YOU OVER AND OVER ABOUT THE TOASTER OVEN AND THE PLACEMATS AND THE DIAMONDS, I’VE TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS. YOU IDIOTS CAN’T REMEMBER A THING.” And then Aviva adds sagely that “anything can happen in this country,” which is absolutely the most hilarious moment in this entire episode.

Then back to New York City for some boring non-storylines. Kristen has a meeting with a modeling agent who looks at her portfolio is all, “LOL, NOPE, YOU’RE TOO OLD, GRANDMA. MOVE TO MILWAUKEE.” Literally. He literally tells her to move to Milwaukee where models over 35 are put to pasture, apparently, spending their golden years working in the breweries.

Elsewhere, Heather brings tequila over to Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill’s apartment because Yummie Tummie is suing and being sued by Spanx over advanced panty hose technology. (Of course, all of this seems to have actually happened in the spring of 2013, and so why Heather is so flustered that she needs to do warm tequila shots over it in July is baffling. [No it’s not, it’s called ‘Because the cameras.’])

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As for Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill, she’s decided to redo her apartment and replace her kitchen with an office, which just makes good sense, because who needs to eat?

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And Aviva’s family has dinner with Harry the Ex which is supposed to be remarkable somehow.

As for Ramona and Sonja, Ramona pays Sonja a visit and tries to give her some Real Talk about the townhouse situation, urging Sonja to start looking for an apartment. Sonja begins burbling about how Ramona is just being negative and talking out of fear and Ramona should really read The Secret because you know what trumps bankruptcy courts? Vision boards. If you make a vision board and light an abundance candle every day for a week, you can throw out any single bankruptcy court ruling, that’s just the law.

But apparently Sonja’s vision board is all filled up with pictures of her townhouse, interns and rental bartenders, leaving no room for pictures of 8th graders. In perhaps the most pathetic (if obviously staged) moments of the episode, Sonja goes to a restaurant to have dinner with that child that she’s been hanging out with after soccer practice, only to have the Producers bust out the TIMESTAMPS OF DOOM to reveal that she waits and she waits and she waits and he never shows.

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Finally, Sonja invites all the ladies to a spa day, which is yet another one of her accountants’ bankruptcy tips. (And anyway, she’s lighting all those abundance candles, so, chill, it’s taken care of, stop being so negative.) The women split into two groups: The Countess, Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill and Heather head off for mud baths and massages, while Ramona, Aviva, Sonja and Kristen relax in a hot tub. Absolutely nothing of interest happens in the massage room.

The hot tub, however, is a whole other story. Sonja whines to the ladies that she hasn’t heard from her boyfriend ever since he got his learner’s permit. In response Ramona is all, “Eh, he was too young for you, anyway,” a revelation that she came to after learning that Avery had been hit on by a college senior who was only two years younger than Sonja’s middle schooler friend. Sonja wonders what’s it to Ramona who she dates before deciding that Ramona must have had something to do with her junior varsity friend standing her up earlier in the week.

Which, as it turns out, she did. Apparently, Ramona is friends with a friend of a friend who is business partners with our 9th grader’s mother, and Ramona called the mother to let her know that her son had purchased a fake ID and has been hanging out with 49-year-old divorceés. Sonja is furious, sorta, and protests that the boy is an “international player” when he’s not studying for the PSATs. Ramona not incorrectly points out that Sonja is old enough to be his mother, but then Ramona starts yelling, “INCESTUOUS! INCESTUOUS!” because she has no idea what “incestuous” means. And, also, drunk.

Aviva, not tipped off by The Producers at all, notes that it sounds like Ramona was meddling. Ramona explains that she worries about Sonja who tends to think between her legs, before revealing that she called the child’s mother. Sonja is AGHAST! as Kristen shrugs that it just sounds like Ramona is jealous. And that’s when Ramona accuses Kristen of “fueling the fire” and throws her Pinot Ramona D’fwine on Kristen.

And now, ritualistically anointed with the Throwing Wine, Kristen has officially been baptized as Real Housewife.

Kristen, in response, splashes Ramona from the hot tub, a response that is perfectly expected and normal by reasonable people standards. However, Ramona does not live by reasonable people standards, and is OUTRAGED! Ramona calls Kristen a “real bitch” before stomping off to the bathroom to try to dry her hair. When she returns, Ramona calls Kristen an “instigator” and explains that it was perfectly acceptable for Ramona to throw her throwing wine on Kristen since Kristen was already in the water, but splashing Ramona was a disproportionate response because of reasons. And then Ramona declares that they are NOT FRIENDS before stomping back to the bathroom to salvage what she can of her blowout.

Until next week:

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on Bravo.