Local Man Returns From Tour Of Duty In War On Christmas

Local resident and mercenary, Mark Smith, recently returned from a tour of duty in the War on Christmas. Smith was deployed in October because, he explained, “the War on Christmas starts earlier and earlier each year. Normally, in October, I’d be involved in the War on Halloween but I skipped that battle this year to get right into the scrap with Christmas.”

It is unclear what side Smith fought for. In fact, it is unclear if there are even “sides” to begin with. And after talking to Smith, the Texas Cockroach is not sure there’s even an actual War on Christmas at all. “I hear ya,” said Smith, “I mean, I hadn’t heard anything about the War on Christmas since, like, the mid-90’s either. But I was watching Fox and they said it was back on. And then a lot of my Facebook friends kept mentioning it so…I checked into it, and I found some skirmishes I could get my hands dirty in.” It should be noted that 96% of Smith’s Facebook friends are self-proclaimed mercenaries, members of local militias or members of the French Foreign Legion (the other 4% is comprised of family members and people he passed in the hallway between classes during high school).