Monthly Archives: July 2013

July 26th, 2012. There are few moments of days and times that stick out in people’s minds. You might remember what you were wearing on a certain day, or what song was on the radio. You might remember what you ate, or didn’t eat, who you talked to, what you were planning on doing that day. The day could have started out like any other day, or perhaps it was a day that started out bad to begin with. Either way, these are the moments that your heart and mind hold onto in the midst of tragedy.

It was a very hot summer day, and to me, it seemed even more hot than normal for July. Any pregnant woman can tell you that being pregnant over the summer is not very fun, and to add twins and a house without air conditioning seemed to make things worse. I was on day four of bed rest. Maybe five, details are somewhat blurry at this point. The week prior had been extremely stressful when complications with my pregnancy ensued, and I was told that bed rest would be required until the babies arrive. At that point they were trying to get me at least to 28 weeks.

I was 22 weeks pregnant.

I don’t remember what I ate for breakfast, or how I did my hair. I am not sure what song was popular on the radio. I was so scared about the events that had just taken place, I am not sure if I could have told you at the time who the President was. But I do remember I was wearing a black shirt and blue capris. We had a doctor’s appointment that morning (one of thousands to come), to see how everything had turned out post-surgery.

I had felt the babies kick earlier that morning. We had just had a “gender reveal” party and found out that we were having a boy AND a girl. The perfect family. One of each. Everything I had ever wanted in one beautiful moment. We proudly named them Idan and Coraline “Cora” for short (The names that my husband and I picked out six months into dating).

I carefully hopped onto the table and the ultrasound tech began the usual drill. Gel on belly, rolling it around to see different shaded shapes and body parts. She scanned onto Cora, paused and then quickly went to Idan. His beautiful profile emerged. There he was kicking, rolling, and even yawning. He was a dream. She then went back to Cora.

It was that moment, when you feel fear in your heart and your mind quickly starts rationalizing what you are feeling in order to protect itself. I could feel sweat start to accumulate on my lip and under my arms. I grabbed my husband’s hand and looked at him, he looked at me with deep concern – not the usual playfulness I typically see from him – squeezed my hand and looked back at the tech. We waited as we watched her narrow her eyes onto the screen. She kept clicking buttons and moving the wand around to different places. I could hear the white noise of the air-conditioner and my heart pound in my chest.

“I don’t see a heartbeat.”

The words ripped through my ears and I shook my head. I didn’t believe what she had just said. I asked her again to check, show me, prove to me that the little girl whom I just felt kick that morning is really gone. I could see Cora’s little body, curled up, feet crossed, arms tucked in around her, and no heart-beat.

“It looks like she just passed this morning” the ultra sound tech said. “I will go get the doctor.”

And out she went, and down came all the walls around me.

The next moments after that I don’t really remember. They were filled with deep sobs, my body shaking with each guttural wail. The doctor came in with his tensed, pursed lips explaining to us that there is no way of knowing what happened to her, and unless she is delivered today, we will most likely never know the cause, and because her twin is alive, I will have to carry her until he is delivered.

And that was it. She was gone. Just like that. Months of planning, dreaming, and envisioning a life with twins was gone, and I was left to carry both life and death within me. Both joy and sorrow. Hello and Goodbye. And I did. With each day there was joy that Idan was bigger, stronger, and still alive another day, and there was also sadness that Cora was gone, curled up peacefully inside me, safely sleeping.

Through the next 16 weeks, until they were both delivered, I had heard it all, and all with good intention from people. “Well if there were problems better it happen now than later”; “These things happen”; “it wasn’t meant to be”; “at least you have him.”

But I lost her.

I know how extremely blessed I am to have Idan. I am reminded everyday how close I came to losing it all, and what a miracle it is that he made it to 37 weeks. I look at him and my breath catches in my chest, and I thank God that he trusted me with such a precious gift, and despite all the suffering, I still deserved to have him. I am satisfied with the thought that he may be my only child that I ever have.

But it still doesn’t take the pain away that I feel for the loss of her.

Grief is an interesting thing. There really are different stages. Sadness, denial, negotiations, anger, then, at some point, healing. And everyone mourns at their own pace. To me, with the one year anniversary of her passing, I am finally able to go there, grieve and celebrate the life that she did have.

I am honored that she chose me to be her mom, Idan to be her brother and my husband to be her father. I will be sad that I never will have the moments of seeing her grow, or play with her brother. I mourn that I will never get to dress her up in super girly clothes (even if she would have hated it), or have that Mother-Daughter relationship that I cherish with my mom. I am sad that my niece and nephew will never get to play with her and have the girls gang up on the boys. I am sad that I will never know what she would have grown to look like, or who she would have become. Would she have brown eyes like me? Would she have her brother’s dimples, too? All of these things I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

She gave me 22 weeks of a dream I always wanted. She gave my husband and I joy that we have never known, and with her passing she gave me humility and the gift of knowing that life is frail and precious and to fully live each moment. She gave Idan the gift of life, because with her passing, I was able to carry him to 37 weeks. Full term, which was not what the doctors thought could be a possibility early on.

I want to conclude this blog post to Cora, to honor her memory and to tell my story for any others out there who have grieved the loss of a child. It doesn’t matter the age or stage, when it’s a life that is connected to yours it is meaningful.

I wrote this poem back in 2003 when I was in college. Ironically it is dated 12-1-2003, their due date, and that was the day we picked up her ashes. Funny how things have weird ties to others. Maybe she was whispering in my ear when I wrote this poem 10 years ago.

8:52 PM and the boy just fell asleep. His night time routine started at 6:45 PM. Two hours and seven minutes after our night of bath, massages, and lullabies started. Idan and I have his bed time routine down like champions. When he was two weeks old, and I was in a state of sleep deprivation delirium, I decided to read the book Happiest Baby on the Block; Guide to Great Sleep and man was it a game changer! I followed about 98% of what Dr. Harvey Karp instructed, and Idan has been the Happiest Baby on the Block ever since. Except for tonight.

I guess I want to just write a short blog on the CHALLENGE and EXHAUSTION that is Bed time. Dr. Harvey Karp said that a lot of night sleep problems are sometimes sleep problems during the day. The boy has had a huge last few days. His little 8-month old world has been filled with swim lessons (mostly me pulling him around the pool while he chews on the little, plastic whale toy), bowling for the first time (which mainly consisted of my husband and I trying to console him since we were right under the loud, music speakers), and it was day-camp day and swarms of little unsupervised children were running around everywhere. It took all I had to silence the teacher voice in me and ignore them pouring coke products and wiping boogers on each other. Idan also has been traveling a lot, and spending time with family.

So, I had a feeling when he skipped his AM nap and took a three hour long afternoon nap, that I might be in trouble for the evening. We haven’t had too many nights where it has taken two plus hours, but tonight was one of those nights. I know any moms who have endured this may be biting their lips and shaking their heads in agreement. Putting an overly tired, teething baby to bed is NOT FUN.

I found that I was using everything in my arsenal to put him to bed. He had his usual bath with his favorite bath toys (which include a squeaky ABC book, and three little plastic fish). I sang him his favorite sleepy time songs, rocked him, holding him in various positions, and gave him pain meds for his gums. At one point, he was screaming so much after putting him down that I just brought him back out to play in his “exersaucer” with me feeling somewhat defeated. My husband was at his Writer’s Group and I was very much looking forward to having a few hours of alone time watching my sickly, guilty pleasure of “Toddlers and Tiaras.”

Anyways, where am I going with this blog tonight? Nowhere really. I just wanted to write what it was like to have my little moment of “going to bed madness.” There is so much about being mom that I am learning by fire. Or more like bath water, tonight. I am learning that being a mom is TOUGH. The amount of physical, emotional, and spiritual energy that is involved is enough to keep the world circling for eternity. I am tired from the sheer amount of time it took tonight to pick him up and put him down, console his tiny little crying body, and the emotional energy of trying to figure out what to do next (I don’t believe in letting him crying it out, so I like to use other tactics instead).

That is the main thing I have learned tonight. Sometimes, I am not sure what to do next, and that is okay. I am learning that advice from doctors is just that. Advice. I am the one who truly is learning what my son needs, and he is learning about me at the same time. So, even though I didn’t get my Toddlers and Tiaras fix, I did have that one beautiful moment right before my son fell asleep where he put his little hand on my face, snuggled his cheek next to my chest and closed his eyes. That was worth the extra two hours and seven minutes of my mommy shift.

I read a post on facebook from a friend of mine who said that trying to clean the house with kids is like trying to eat Oreos and brush your teeth! (I apologize if I butchered the original quote!) This spoke volumes to me! Even though Idan is not even crawling yet (God help us all when he does) I feel like I am perpetually whirl pooling in the same mess.

To add to that, it has been approximately 1 month and 1 day with my new SHARK status (Stay Home And Raise Kids) and so far these are the things I have learned:

One-My new wardrobe consists of varying types of yoga pants/sweat pants topped with X-large t-shirts to accommodate my still 2nd trimester size waist, usually garnished with either drool, vomit or poop.

Two-Babies are unpredictable. Just when I think I am creating a pretty good schedule, BAM! Idan decides he wants to do something different. I guess I have to be flexible with this whole “parenting” thing.

Three-Losing the last 15 pounds of baby weight is very hard. I want to ramble about that for a moment. First off, I want to say Thank You to the universe and breast feeding that I did lose the initial 32 pounds fairly quickly. I was not anticipating that, and was pleasantly surprised at seeing that on the scale. I am discovering, however, that it is not just 15 pounds that I need to lose, it is that EVERYTHING about my body has changed! If any guys are reading this, they may find this part pretty boring, but my fellow ladies who have had babies probably understand.

My hips are wider making my pre-pregnancy pants fit weird, I am losing hair in massive wads at a time, my skin thank God is clearing up, but I resembled a 12 year old boy for months. I have this lower Kangaroo pouch that constantly jiggles when I walk, and when I try to suck it in, it literally doesn’t move (Jillian Michaels has a sit up to help fix that) and to top it all off, I went up an entire shoe size!! (which is not too terrible since that means at some point I can buy all new shoes) but for now, I have to resort to my last year pregnancy flip flops that have lost all the sequins and have a dark outline of my foot permanently embedded in them.

I am learning that Post Pregnancy is almost just as hard as being pregnant. Not everyone knows, but I had a very complicated pregnancy from weeks 20 on that included losing Idan’s twin sister Cora, diabetes, pre-eclampsia and 16 weeks of bed rest. I guess I am realizing that MY “Post Pregnancy” is going to be a little different than other people.

I am having to work harder regaining all the muscle tone and strength that I lost, and emotionally I am having to reconcile with losses that I endured those last 17 weeks. I have to remind myself that even though my pregnancy was difficult, my body held up its end of the bargain and did an amazing thing for me. It brought me Idan. My body endured to get Idan, and it endured a lot to keep him. My body is a pretty cool machine.

With every extra pimple, stretch mark, bald spot and pair of boring shoes that now possesses me, it is worth it for creating the child that I have wanted my whole life. And even though I don’t have my banging 18 year body that I once had, free of pimples, dark spots and stretch marks, I have the new, transformed version of my body that did an amazing thing for me. So, I am going to take care of this body that was my miracle maker and be a little more forgiving of it taking it’s time to fit into cuter clothes. I am going to continue with my healthy eating plan and 30 day shred, and just enjoy the fact that my body has served its purpose. Because after all, what is 15 pounds in the long run? Thanks for reading my ramblings of today.

Highlights right now!

One of my best friends is fulfilling her dream and going to Ireland as part of her Master’s program. She is a beautiful writer, and I encourage all to read her blog during her adventure! elsmiller.wordpress.com

Idan is growing by leaps and bounds and I can hardly keep up with his appetite and his constant growing out of clothes!

I am currently on track to fulfilling some of my goals: I am going to be getting cooking “lessons” from my wonderful Father-in-Law this fall! He will be the best teacher.

I am more than halfway done with the 30 day shred. My husband and I are almost to level three, and even though it is torture everyday and I feel like crying, I am starting to see some positive results!