A funny-smelling salve to sooth the aches and pains brought on by today's news.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Jurors Gone Wild

So far Michael Phelps has escaped being charged with a crime for getting photographed hitting on a bong. However, the person who sold him the weed is being sought and may be charged with “contributing to the delinquency of a mariner.”

President Obama nominated New Hampshire Republican Senator Judd Gregg as his commerce secretary. Gregg’s fiurst order of business once he’s approved will be to figure out how much money the government could be making if it got a cut on all of the souvenir Obama plates, coins and bobblehead dolls.

Motorola posted a $3.6 billion fourth-quarter loss and immediately got rid of its chief financial officer. To add insult to injury, his golden parachute was a Motorola cell phone with only ten minutes left.

Philip Morris International, which sells Marlboro cigarettes outside the U.S., announced plans to start selling smokeless tobacco products around the world. This program to introduce gross spitting to the rest of the world is called Shock and Chaw.

Kellogg is recalling some Keebler cookies because they were made on the same manufacturing line as foods that might contain peanut products involved in the salmonella-related recall. You tell which ones they are because the package shows elves puking behind the tree.

Surgeons at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine who removed a woman's kidney through her vagina so she could donate it to her niece say they hope it will encourage others to donate. It’s already given Madonna an idea for a new music video.

The Boulder Police Department has begun a new investigation into the 1996 death of JonBenet Ramsey hoping to revive a cold case. I don’t know about a cold case, but it’s already revived the cold career of Geraldo Rivera.

An Australian man is facing charges after customs officers at Melbourne Airport found two live pigeons hidden in his pants. He was turned in by a lonely female passenger who misunderstood when he told her that if she covered for him, he had a pigeon in his pants for her.

Japanese makers of electric toilet seats equipped with warm water bidets have had to print fliers explaining their proper use after a series of accidents. The fliers point out that you shouldn’t try to extinguish a flaming toilet seat by having a sumo wrestler sit on it.

German scientists have discovered that elevated levels of a sex hormone during pregnancy may cause restless legs syndrome in women. They also found that elevated levels of the same hormone in men may cause something else to be restless.

Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, was the featured guest speaker at a meeting of the Conservative Working Group, an organization of Republican Capitol Hill staffers. Nothing like bringing in a plumber to remind Capitol Hill staffers that one of their main jobs is cleaning the Senate rest rooms.

“Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis was arrested in Los Angeles after he showed up five hours late for a court hearing in his tax evasion case. The good news is, before he was hauled off he got six names for his next video, “Jurors Gone Wild.”

A former worker at the peanut plant responsible for the nation-wide salmonella outbreak claims he witnessed a dead rat dry-roasting in a peanut area. What’s worse, he didn’t report it because he had dibs on the pigeon roasting next to it.

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Welcome to Topical Rub!

Dr. Paul prescribes a daily dose of Topical Rub applied liberally or conservatively to where ever you hurt after the exertion of viewing the daily news, whether it be politics, sports, entertainment or just the unusual posing as reality. Topical Rub comes in two forms: short jokes for quick relief and selections from Paul's column "This Got Me Thinking" for long-lasting relief. Excerpts from Topical Rub are published by the New York Times Laugh Lines page, Huffington Post and other fine humor providers. For a custom batch of Topical Rub for your publication or web site, contact Paul at paulseaburn@earthlink.net or visit his web site www.humorhandyman.com.

About Me

Paul Seaburn is the head writer for 12th Street Jump, a jazz/blues/comedy show on KCUR in Kansas City and kcur.org. He was the head writer for "Taylor's Attic," an Emmy Award-winning family sitcom filled with zany puppets and original music for kids of all ages. DVDs are available on Amazon or at www.taylorsattic.com.
Paul is the former editor and writer for CapitalistBanter.com and contributor to nytimes.com and HuffingtonPost.com. He's written for Jay Leno, Dennis Miller, Bill Maher, many other comedians and speakers, "The Tonight Show," "Comic Stip Live," "Caroline's Comedy Hour" and numerous magazines and websites.