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Tara

My ds hasn't come to visit but once in 10 yrs, didn't come to my wedding to dh 9.5 yrs ago but keeps in touchby phone and we give presents to each other on holidays.

ds's wife is pregnant and due soon. dh has 4 adult children and some grandchildren. little by little I am gettingto know them and they me and am starting to enjoy relationships with the gc. Both of my dils recently told mewhat a loving thoughtful grandmother I am. ;- )

here's the question: when talking to my ds or dil I want to be able to talk (occassionally) a bit about my step children and gc. they are really beginning to feel like MY gc. but I feel awkward about it, especially till now my ds wife was trying to get pregnant andsomehow i felt guilty mentioning my other gc existed

Last summer I was emailing with my ds wife and Gd was at our house for a week and I mentioned that to dil. As conversationwent on I thought well maybe take a risk here and asked if she would like to see a photo of gc. she said yes so I sent her an email photo and she said she liked it then she said: "well I'll never let my gc have a nanny" and I was confusedso said: "I'm not a nanny, I'm her grandmother" and she wrote back: "I know you are her gm but I would never letmy kids be away from me, her mother is very courageous"

This conversation was bewildering to me. Obviously she is saying she would never let her kids come visit us.

But back to the topic of even talking about gc to other her? would appreciate your thoughts on this

Tara, please don't take to heart what a childless woman once said about child-rearing. Everyone knows that the actuality of Motherhood is totally different from the imagined version. And it's something that you CANNOT know about until you've actually done it.

However, that being said, you can probably expect that this DIL will be pretty possessive of her kids. I don't know if it's a direct result of having tried SO HARD to get them, but a lot of people who struggle with infertility are more possessive / protective of their kids. (And I'm raising my hand here too.) My DD did not spend a single night apart from me until she was 4, when I had to go out of town (she stayed home with Daddy). She spent her first sleepover with my Mom this past summer (at almost 6 y/o).

As for mentioning your other GK's - that's a hard one, because some people who struggle with fertility are really hurt by mention of other people's babies/pregnancies. It never bothered me, however I did have issues with irresponsible teen mom types. As long as you're relaying positive information, funny stories and the like, I don't see it as a problem. But please refrain from comparing the kids, because I can guarantee that she won't want to hear that 'other' gk was walking a 9 mos, when she tells you that hers started walking at 11 mos.

Good luck - I hope that you can usher in a new phase in your relationship with DIL & DS. I can hope that when they become parents, their eyes will open wide.

Hey - have you sent DS some of his baby pictures yet? Or any of his old baby stuff? He and DIL might like to see that stuff and have copies of your pictures. However, only do this if you can send it without expectations of it being used. Again, people who work really hard to have a baby sometimes go overboard with only wanting NEW things for their baby. So maybe put an old outfit of DS's on a teddy bear? Or offer a cradle with the intentions of it being used as a doll cradle?

Tara

thanks for your ideas. My DIL grew up in a family that was very tight or you might even say enmeshed. Her mom was a stay at home mom and very involved with the children in every way. dil never lived on her own till she married ds in her late 30's. She hascut off ds's fathers family entirely. (says they are negative and now she has more peace of mind. The thing is that it is a largeextended family and there must be a couple of people she could relate to vs a total family cut off)

I didn't share info about gc until she was already pregnant.

good idea about the things from ds childhood. I actually have some of his paintings from kindergarden ;- ) and have done some childhood scrapbooks for him like my mom did for me.

I have told dil that I would like to buy her and ds something special for the babies (they are having twins) and to pls let me knowwhen she gets listed, but she never did and now I'm leaving on my trip to asia. I suggested that I wanted to buy them a twin stroller.but looks like she will prefer her own family to buy it

Tara

Ok Rose, I get it about dil rubbing salt in the wound. The whole thing of dils wanting to punish us really is troubling isn't it? I guess in what your saying about 'don't let them see you sweat" there is less of a pay off.

I appreciate communicating.

Faithlooksup

Hi Tara, 1st off Congratulations on your new "babies to be".... As far as DIL goes, just wave the white flag and let it all go...Ask her what you can buy "again" before your trip, if she does not respond then just send a few baby blankets and sleepers, along with stuffed animals...cant go wrong with that at this point...and as mentioned some of DS's baby pix's etc.....

You are very blessed with DH's family so enjoy them, I also would not mention to much of this to DS and DIL until asked... There is not much you can do with DIL and her family only time will tell...So until then just enjoy your lovely extended family....