Ellabeth Feels Your Pain

Can't We All Just Get Along?

They were the finest talents in the Republican Party, and they smashed each other like bright-red ripe tomatoes. They spent a fortune shredding their own proud red reputations and rosy red careers. Red hearts were broken. Red relationships were shattered.

She was the most qualified candidate in history, but after suffering 30 years of nasty political attack she posted higher negatives than herpes. She deserved the nomination but maybe the Democratic Party deserved a less provocative pathfinder to victory.

I'm Ellabeth and I'm here to help. Tell me what hurts, and I’ll make it better. Tell me your doubts and your fears, and I’ll help you face up to them. Tell me who put that knife in your back, and I’ll hug you until the bleeding stops. I might not be the most famous political-relationship counselor in the world, but at 6.3 tons I’m the biggest. Write to me. Sending that note is your first step on the long road to healing.

Random Advice They Needed And News You Missed

Eli G. Inquires: There’s no TV in the house but Mother let me watch God’s Own Party debate next door and later I heard that the noisy man said that the lady reporter had blood coming out of her eyes and blood coming out of her wherever and ever since then I’ve been mighty confused and awful tingly down there and I don’t know why. Mother slaps me every time I ask her, and Father two times went for the belt.

I didn’t see any bloody eyes and I didn’t know where to look for the other blood — but now I think I do know where to look and I can’t stop tingling.

What’s wrong with me and is the devil involved and how can I get fixed?(more…)

A Bat Inquires: Members of the American Bat Society feel hurt and devalued by Senator Lyndsay Graham’s claim that the Republican Party — by embracing Donald Trump — had “gone batshit crazy.” The ABS, and our immortal founder Vlad The Impaler, have been staunch nocturnal GOP supporters for decades, and Mr. Trump is one of the most like-minded human bloodsuckers we know. (more…)

Donald T. complains:Global warming is a total hoax — but somehow Hillary rigged it to hurt me personally. At my golf course in Ireland I need to put down a 200,000 ton wall of rock, to ward off all the erosion that my own experts that I hired say will hit me when climate change makes the sea rise. We know worldwide global warming doesn’t exist, so how is Hillary making the sea rise on my beach and nowhere else?

Come to think of it, she must be a witch — I said witch — and doesn’t that disqualify her from holding office in America?

Ellabeth responds: Considering her survival in the face of decades of attack, Hillary might very well be a witch, but unfortunately that’s not a disqualifying condition. (more…)

Donald T. Asks: Why aren’t the wimps who run the Republican National Committee suing those deadbeat candidates who won’t honor their pledge to endorse me? The RNC made us all sign the pledge, so it’s the RNC’s job to enforce the damn thing.

Sure, I told Carly Fiorina that she had the face of a Martian; and I sold another guy’s children into slavery… but those are standard business practices for a New Yorker. (more…)

Jeb B. Ponders: I’m young and hopeful, and I’m planning my next run for president. I needed 1,237 delegate votes to win the nomination, but got only four. I budgeted $121,261 per vote — that seemed reasonable — but spent $37,500,000 per vote instead. Do you think my backers like me enough to spend more money in 2020 than they did in 2016?

“We all knew Donald Trump is a genius, and this proves it!” Rudy Giuliani shouted at an audience of struck-dumb tax accountants yesterday.

It was the annual meeting of Accountants Avoiding Taxes Anyway Conceivable (AATAC), and Giuliani was a last-second substitute for the original speaker, whom Giuliani pushed off the stage just after grabbing the man’s microphone.

“Donald’s method is so effective that anyone can use it to wipe away his taxes, absolutely anyone!” Guliani gushed. Tears of admiration for Giuliani’s patron surged out of the new hi-flo tear ducts that had been surgically implanted at the Trump Campaign’s request.

“It doesn’t matter how rich they are,” Giuliani assured the catatonic Tax Code professionals. “They can be super-rich, like Donald, or they can be very rich, like his children,” Giuliani enthused, “or they can even be sub-prime rich, like people who can’t afford to hire you.”

“No matter how rich they are, Donald’s method will work,” Giuliani boasted. “Do you know what his secret is? Can you guess how his secret method works?”

Beginning to make good on his second-debate vow to send Hillary Clinton to jail because she mishandled her private email server, Donald Trump today announced that if he is elected, he intends to appoint Vladimir Putin as his Attorney General.

“The full force of the Republican Party has been brought to bear against Hillary Clinton for the last 30 years,” Mr. Trump raged at a room full of supporters whose mood convinced even Kellyanne Conway to lock the door behind her, “but now that I can bring the full force of the whole government against Hillary, we might finally bag her.”

“First day in office,” Mr. Trump declared. “Trust me, Putin will be Attorney General before my working day as President is over, about 3:30 or so. Hillary will be in handcuffs before suppertime. You guys should try out the new Golden Ballot restaurant in the Tower, by the way. Great lamb kebob.”

When reminded that a new Attorney General can’t take office until confirmed by the Senate, Mr. Trump shrugged. “That’s just a legal issue. I’ll let my new Attorney General worry about the details.”

When asked why he thought the dictator of a hostile nuclear power would be a good choice for Attorney General, Trump laughed. “Are you kidding me?” he shrieked. “The guy’s already got all the evidence!”

Fearing a threatened boycott of the next debate by Donald Trump, the Presidential Debate Commission announced new rules that it said were the product of a “bi-partisan-bi-polar” negotiation — in the sense that Mr. Trump viciously disagreed with each of his own demands as soon as he made them known.

“It was scary,” the Commission Chair reported. “He would bang the table and order us to adopt a rule, and then as soon as we did, he would run to the other side of the table and bang some more and shout that the rule was being rigged against him.”

“Every rule he suggested we adopted,” the recording secretary muttered, “and then he vetoed every one.”