You didn’t think the whole song lyrics instead of actual conversation thing was a one time deal, right? Great! Cause I got another one for you. For those of you who need a bit of catching up, here’s the deal: a dude on Tinder says something dumb to me so I send him song lyrics one line at a time until he goes away/I turn into this emoji 😂.

This week we’re taking a turn into musical theatre land! This eloquent gentleman chose to open up the lines of communication with “Sexy.” NOPE. If a guy said that to me in a bar, I would roll my eyes so hard they’d get stuck in the back of my head…In any case, it’ll never work, sir. I’m a theatre nerd and you had absolutely NO CLUE what I was talking about when sending you lyrics to “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” from Gypsy. #straightboyproblems

My favorite part of that entire exchange is “stop act normal for a little.” The lack of punctuation, the hope that some half assed demand from a stranger will get through to me and make me change my ways. Precious.

I’ve had some people reach out to tell me that they too are engaging in the song lyric defense when Tinder trolls pop up and to that I say:

If you’d like to share your fun, PLEASE be in touch. Together, we can stop these idiots [insert a PSA starring Sarah McLachlan about the horrors of online dating]

Dating. It’s a mystery, wrapped in a conundrum, deep fried in a headache…and now there are countless websites and apps that are here to “help” us find our lobster.

Enter Tinder.

I have friends who love Tinder because it’s the closest thing to seeing someone in a bar and deciding to approach them. Amazing! I totally get that. And you know what, approaching a stranger is not easy. They might be taken, they might be crazy, they might be super boring and beige (my personal nightmare), but you’d probably figure that out soon enough by saying some benign sentences; “Hi, I’m Sherz” “What do you do?” “Oh, you’re a librarian who enjoys cos play.” “Nice meeting you!” Simple. Harmless. Educational.

Now in the Tinderverse, some idiots get a little too comfortable hiding behind their cell phone and instead of just being normal, they say dumb shit and you know what, dumb shit deserves dumb shit. So now, if a guy on Tinder sends me something that wouldn’t fly if he approached me in a bar, I shall fuck with him. My ammo of choice? Song lyrics. I choose a song and just send a line at a time until the dumb-dumb gets royally confused and gives up.

For this dude, I chose that Hall and Oats classic, “I Can’t Go For That.” Enjoy.

Hello friends. It’s been a few weeks since I joined the “wonderful” world of online dating. I don’t want to waste any time so let’s get right down to business. I’ve found several boyfriends courtesy of Okstupid. Allow me to introduce them to you:

Boyfriend #1

His name is Prodigy. Note his username, Podigy, sans R. I mean…Is it a typo? Was Prodigy already taken so he just decided the R wasn’t important and people would figure it out when he chose to misspell his own name? SEMANTICS, SHERZ! Stop questioning boyfriend #1’s life choices! He’s so take charge. He wants me to “come over here” (where?…) so we can “start building.” Maybe he’s in construction. Maybe he’s really enthusiastic about legos. Whatever the case, I better hurry the eff up and get to this nondescript place so we can get to work! ***Note how I completely skipped over the part where he calls himself “The chosen one” because just, NO. That alone would require pages upon pages of sassing and we all have shit to do and places to be. NEXT.

Boyfriend #2

I like to call this boyfriend, “My Waking Nightmare.” Screw feeling safe with your significant other. I love how “My Waking Nightmare” makes me feel like I’m in my own personal Stephen King-themed hell. It’s so special and mortifying.

Boyfriend #3

#DATASS and #datbodypaint? I don’t think I need to write anything else about him…Picture, 1000 words, you know.

Boyfriend #4

It’ll never work. We’re both actors, and clearly he’s more successful than I am. I mean, I was in an Off Broadway show earlier this year, but you don’t hear me referring to myself as a star. He must have quite an extensive and impressive resume to think so highly of himself. Also, his user name is the worst thing I’ve ever heard. Fire and cream sounds like the most tragic symptoms of an STD…which you get from having sex…which is what he does for a living…FULL CIRCLE.

Guest Boyfriend

The final boyfriend is actually not mine. My friend who is also on Okcupid texted me one day to let me know that she had found the one. He’s charming and romantic and very into astrology!

Congrats to the happy couple.

Clearly, I’m going to be alone forever which is fine with me if these are my options. Listen, I’m no picnic in the park. I’ve got flaws and quirks and blessings to the guy who’ll learn to deal with them one day. Until I find that poor sucker, I will continue to giggle at these assholes who pop into my inbox.

So this week, two of my girlfriends and I decided to give online dating a try, specifically Okcupid. If you are not familiar with Okcupid (or as we lovingly call it, Okstupid), it’s a free online dating site that most of the single people I know in New York are either on or have tried. It’s super user friendly and very noncommittal. DISCLAIMER ALERT! There are definitely some cute/normal/successful guys on this site. This post is not about them. This post is for a very special group of men and to them, I’d like to say, “Hey! You’re the worst.”

Like this prince of a gent. Sadly, it’ll never work out between us, sir, because I don’t have a parrot or a tolerance for your douchebaggery.

Next up, I’d like to introduce the “Needy Guys.” If a female said ANY of these things, she’d be labeled crazy in half a heartbeat! Guys, guess what? SAMESIES!!! Hey, stranger danger, let’s get married! NOPE/BYE.

I like to call this next one #sexydeaththreat. Enough said.

And lastly we have the “Overly Sexual Guy.” I don’t know how this man and I are an 82% match. He mentions “kink” not only in his first attempt to speak to me but also in his username (I mean, points for honesty…I guess…). Somehow the Okcupid gods were like “Yeah, this dude that loves weird sex and this girl who loves baking chocolate chip cookies and watching The Mindy Project. Great Match!”

Sooooooo, all of this happened in the first 48 hours of being on this site which has led to little hope and lots of laughing. But, don’t worry Okstupid. I’m not giving up on you just yet. Like I said, there are some promising prospects but writing about them would be boring so bring on the crazies!