Tuesday, December 18, 2012

MISSED OPPORTUNITY?

The Mormon missionaries materialized from the falling snow. I
had been focused on my iPhone under an umbrella while posting a picture on
Facebook. When I looked up to the riverside path, there one was, stopped on his
bike, all natty and smiley in his missionary-for-Joseph Smith-and-Jesus outfit.
He made some neutral comment on the weather, and I noted how
beautiful the scene. My first thought of his wholesome appearance had been gay?, but then his look-alike partner
rode up. They appeared interchangeable, with identical blue bikes and helmets."We're Mormon missionaries," he said,
superfluously."Oh my God, you're out in this weather?" I
blurted, then caught myself and grinned, "Excuse my language.""We love what we do," one of them explained. "Do you have friends or family who are Mormons?"
he asked pleasantly.I took a long pause, staring at him, then at his other,
thinking of my now-dead Mormon lunatic mother-in-law. At her memorial service, Mormon Bishop
Hickman had explained our place in the universe: We all come from a spirit
world and chose to come to Earth solely to gain a body. (I guess we didn't get
to pick which one, however, judging by the number of ugly ones around.) Anyway,
our good works will determine where we end up. The ultimate goal is to be
reunited with our families -- "one big happy family," as the Bishop
put it.
Aargh. I sure hope not. But then, I suppose I'm not in much danger of going to
the place the good Mormons go.

Snapping back to reality and the missionary twins, I asked
myself, Is there enough entertainment
here to justify engaging these boys?There wasn't, I decided, so politely excused myself and went
my way. Unfortunately, I think I missed an opportunity this morning.I've been wanting to ask a real, live Mormon if they truly
believe that Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden in Missouri,
6,000 years ago. Or that the Angel Moroni in the 1820s told Joseph Smith where
to find these golden plates buried in upstate New York.
Or that Smith translated the plates' secrets from a mysterious Egyptian
language and wrote it all down in the Book
of Mormon, revealing the otherwise-unknown history in America
of pre-Columbian civilizations of Jaredites, Nephites, and Lamanites. And what
about Jesus' one-time visit to America
after he was resurrected following his crucifixion and trip back to Heaven? I
wish I had asked the missionary-twins about these mysteries.The Mormon guy-who-wanted-to-be-President believed this same
nonsense, apparently. You can't know for sure, though, since none of the "lame-stream"
news reporters -- reputed, ironically, to be in the pocket of God-hating, socialist
liberals -- ever asked him. So we'll never know what Romney really thought
about that nutty stuff. Not that it's all that much crazier than mainstream
religious dogma -- seas parting, immaculate conception, water to wine, that
kind of stuff -- but then, that's just me. Lots of people find a way to believe
it all as bona-fide true facts.Including one of the other white guys-who-wanted-to-be-President,
Mike Huckabee. Just hours after the Connecticut
school massacre, he was bloviating in his cranky, Well, what did you expect? tone of voice on Fox. Spouting simplistic
aphorisms about the tragedy being linked to society taking God out of classrooms.
Of course, he didn't actually say that the shooting was directly caused by this
sinful drift, but that certainly was how most anyone would take it. Which many did, giving him an earful. Then what did this
potential-President do in the face of completely predictable public outrage? He
doubled down on his arrogant godliness, attacking his "amateur and
professional critics" as ignorant, left-wing bigots.Huckabee had to know that the timing and the harshness of
his words -- linking the profound tragedy on Sandy Hook to
his shame-on-you,-America
moralizing -- would enflame people, still in grief over recent events. Yet,
he did it anyway. What a smug, self-centered huckster!I'm sure there are diehard Huckabee fans willing to forgive
his blather -- after all, isn't that the Christian thing to do? Father, forgive them for they know not what
they do?

Besides, many of
the anyone-but-Obama fans will whine, we
tried to tell you that Obama was going to take away our guns.

Obama didn't plan to do that, I'm sure. No one had the
stomach for that political rumble. But that was then; this is now. Things
changed.I shot an assault rifle the other day. It's a thing of
seductive beauty, the AR-15. It's as much like an ordinary rifle as an iPhone
is like Sonny Crockett's shoe-sized car phone on Miami Vice reruns. It's sleek. Cool. Deadly accurate. No kick.
What's not to love?The answer, of course, is obvious, even though making up
rules for gun ownership that can prevent Sandy Hook
tragedies is a will-o'-the-wisp. Still, you gotta try, don't you? I think that will happen now, and the paranoid Obama haters
can cry all they want with their I told
you so's. It's time to toughen up gun laws, even though to think in any way
of this moment of community mourning as an opportunity
is obscene. But there you have it. I hope it's an opportunity not missed.