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Am I Crazy ? Part 1 of a Serious Series of the Study of Sanity

Did you ever wish there was a definitive way to find this out ? To finally put to rest all of your worries and fears of your own sanity or insanity ? Well you are in luck ! And believe it or not, it has been around for over 70, yes I said 70 years… 567 True/False questions that get to determine whether or not you are suited for life with the general public or just suited for a straight jacket.

I could give them all to you now, but that would just be crazy talk. So here they are in 6 parts, 100 at a time. The original has not been modified, as deranged as that sounds. There have simply been 567 additions by a writer with a screw loose that shall remain incognito and unhinged.

Is this ill advised, half baked, harebrained, and non compos mentis ? (that last one is my favorite) Perhaps it is, perhaps it is… But that’s also what they said about sailing the Titantic, and look where that is now !!!

(The first 100 are dedicated to Michael Sage before his birthday of some numeric significance. He is the true reason you are reading any of this)

False True 1. I like mechanics magazines, but don’t really know how to use a hammer.
False True 2. I have a good appetite, but only when I am eating.
False True 3. I wake up fresh and rested most mornings, but normally have soiled myself
False True 4. I think I would enjoy the work of a librarian, but I cannot read.
False True 5. I am easily awakened by noise, like jack-hammering in my bedroom.
False True 6. My father is a good man (or if your father is dead) my father was a
good man. Or sometimes I am not sure if he is alive or dead.
False True 7. I like to read newspaper articles on crime, so I can learn how to commit one.
False True 8. My hands and feet are usually warm enough, unless they are cold.
False True 9. My daily life is full of things that keep me interested. Like this quiz.
False True 10. I am about as able to work as I ever was. But I do not like it.
False True 11. There seems to be a lump in my throat much of the time. Especially when I eat.
False True 12. My sex life is satisfactory. Just don’t ask the mailman
False True 13. People should try to understand their dreams and be guided by or
take warning from them. But I usually sleep through mine.
False True 14. I enjoy detective or mystery stories. But I cannot read
False True 15. I work under a great deal of tension. And sometimes on top of it too.
False True 16. Once in a while I think of things too bad to talk about. I am usually naked when I do so, what do you think of that ?
False True 17. I am sure I get a raw deal from life. Like taking this fucking quiz.
False True 18. I am troubled by attacks of nausea and vomiting. Wouldn’t you be ?
False True 19. When I take a new job, I like to find out whom it is important to be nice
to. Then I sleep with his wife.
False True 20. I am very seldom bothered by constipation. Enemas tend to prevent that.
False True 21. At times I have very much wanted to leave home. If you’ve been to my home you would understand why.
False True 22. No one seems to understand me. I call them pricks.
False True 23. At times I have fits of laughing and crying that I cannot control. Emotion can be a bitch sometimes.
False True 24. Evil spirits possess me at times. No they don’t, yes they do, quiet Satan !
False True 25. I would like to be a singer. But I really suck at it.
False True 26. I feel that it is certainly best to keep my mouth shut when I am in
trouble. Besides, my lawyer will be here soon.
False True 27. When people do me wrong, I feel I should pay them back, just for the
principle of the thing. A good beating usually does the trick.
False True 28. I am bothered by an upset stomach several times a week. I think my wife is poisoning me.
False True 29. At times I feel like swearing. You know what the fuck I mean.
False True 30. I have nightmares every few nights. The other nights I dream of pretty flowers.
False True 31. I find it hard to keep my mind on a task or job. Especially 567 True False questions.
False True 32. I have had very peculiar and strange experiences. Being abducted by the mother ship tops the list.
False True 33. I seldom worry about my health. I figure I’ll just drop dead some day.
False True 34. I have never been in trouble because of my sexual behavior. They just haven’t caught me yet.
False True 35. Sometimes when I was young I stole things. But I gave everything back last week.
False True 36. I have a cough most of the time. I am sure it is just syphilis.
False True 37. At times I feel like smashing things. But I always clean it up.
False True 38. I have had periods of days, weeks, or months when I couldn’t take
care of things because I couldn’t “get going”. I just realized my gas tank was empty.
False True 39. My sleep is fitful and disturbed. But so am I so it kind’ve fits.
False True 40. Much of the time, my head seems to hurt all over. I should probably stop hitting myself.
False True 41. I do not always tell the truth. Unless I am lying.
False True 42. If people had not had it in for me, I would have been much more
successful. Those stinking bastards.
False True 43. My judgment is better than it ever was. Let’s go play in traffic !
False True 44. Once a week (or more often) I suddenly feel hot all over, for no
reason. It gets much worse in summer.
False True 45. I am in just as good physical health as most of my friends. Especially the dead ones.
False True 46. I prefer to pass by school friends, or people I know but have not seen
for a long time, unless they speak to me first. Then I pretend I have no idea who they are.
False True 47. I am almost never bothered by pains over my heart or in my chest. But when I am bothered, I panic and scream loudly.
False True 48. Most anytime I would rather sit and daydream than do anything else. People hate that shit when I am driving.
False True 49. I am a very sociable person. I am also a colossal dick.
False True 50. I have often had to take orders from someone who did not know as
much as I did. Little did they know I always ignored them.
False True 51. I do not read every editorial in the newspaper every day. They still make newspapers ?
False True 52. I have not lived the right kind of life. But living the wrong life felt much dirtier.
False True 53. Parts of my body often have feelings like burning, tingling, crawling, or
like “going to sleep”. This usually happens when I am on fire.
False True 54. My family does not like the work I have chosen (or the work I intend to
choose for my lifework). But then again, who asked them in the first place ?
False True 55. I sometimes keep on at a thing until others lose their patience with
me. Then I kick them out of my house.
False True 56. I wish I could be as happy as others seem to be. Or maybe they are just insane.
False True 57. I hardly ever feel pain in the back of my neck. Unless I am being choked.
False True 58. I think a great many people exaggerate their misfortunes in order to
gain the sympathy and help of others. And if not a great many, at least 7 of them.
False True 59. I am troubled by discomfort in the pit of my stomach every few days or
so. Then I eat and it goes away. I may be on to something.
False True 60. When I am with people I am bothered by hearing very strange things. It is usually my mother in law.
False True 61. I am an important person. Not that anyone gives a shit.
False True 62. I have often wished I were a girl. (or if you are a girl) I have never
been sorry that I am a girl. Even more, I always wanted a purse.
False True 63. My feelings are not easily hurt. But they can be bruised once in awhile.
False True 64. I enjoy reading love stories. I just wish I could read.
False True 65. Most of the time I feel blue. But sometimes, I feel orange.
False True 66. It would be better if almost all laws were thrown away. Especially the one about peeing in public.
False True 67. I like poetry. It just hates my stinking guts.
False True 68. I sometimes tease animals. And sometimes I come back with a stump.
False True 69. I think I would like the kind of work a forest ranger does. Except the outside part.
False True 70. I am easily downed in an argument. But I own firearms so I usually get even that way.
False True 71. These days I find it hard not to give up hope of amounting to
something. Being a nobody has its perks though.
False True 72. My soul sometimes leaves my body. And goes to Cleveland.
False True 73. I am certainly lacking in self-confidence. But I am also confident that I am certainly lacking, so it all comes out in the wash.
False True 74. I would like to be a florist. But I hate flowers so I guess it makes sense that I am not one.
False True 75. I usually feel that life is worthwhile. Except when I get a paper cut. Then life basically sucks.
False True 76. It takes a lot of argument to convince most people of the truth. Especially the stupid ones.
False True 77. Once in a while I put off until tomorrow what I ought to do today. Then tomorrow comes and I forget what I was supposed to do.
False True 78. Most people that know me like me. The ones that don’t know me like me even more.
False True 79. I do not mind being made fun of. I just keep it inside until I explode.
False True 80. I would like to be a nurse. Except for the blood.
False True 81. I think most people would lie to get ahead. Just ask Congress.
False True 82. I do many things that I regret afterwards. (I regret things more than
others seem to.) But I usually forget them after breakfast.
False True 83. I have very few quarrels with members of my family. It helps to keep them several hundred miles away.
False True 84. I was suspended from school one or more times for bad behavior. My goal was to reach 10 times.
False True 85. At times, I have a strong urge to do something harmful or shocking. I figure that way I will make it on CNN.
False True 86. I like to go to parties and other affairs where there is a lot of loud fun. The quiet fun quite frankly scares the shit out of me.
False True 87. I have met problems so full of possibilities that I have been unable to
make up my mind about them. I like my problems simple and agonizing.
False True 88. I believe that women ought to have as much sexual freedom as men. They deserve to get crabs too.
False True 89. My hardest battles are with myself. And I hate when I lose them.
False True 90. I love my father, or (if your father is dead) I loved my father. Or if you are not sure who he is, you can just say he is neato.
False True 91. I have little or no trouble with my muscles twitching or jumping. If only the little men inside me would get out.
False True 92. I don’t seem to care what happens to me. I just hope it involves a giraffe and a midget.
False True 93. Sometimes when I am not well I am irritable. And when I am well I am as giddy as a little girl !!
False True 94. Much of the time I feel as if I have done something wrong or evil. But since I am getting away with it I can sleep at night.
False True 95. I am happy most of the time. Other times I am just fine and dandy
False True 96. I see things or animals or people around me that others do not see. Like my neighbor up in a tree with binoculars looking right at me.
False True 97. There seems to be a fullness in my head or nose most of the time. Nothing some tissues cannot fix …
False True 98. Some people are so bossy that I feel like doing the opposite of what
they request, even though I know they are right. That usually gets me fired though.
False True 99. Someone has it in for me. And I think his name is Fred.
False True 100. I have never done anything dangerous just for the thrill of it. Except for that time in Mexico with those goats.
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