The Narcissist Hates You

“I love to be hated and I hate to be loved.” Sam Vaknin, narcissist and author

of “Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited”.

That statement could be further expanded to say that a narcissist loves to be hated, hates to be loved, and also loves to hate. Who do they hate? They hate you. They hate you if you criticize them or have a different opinion from theirs, they hate you if you are successful in any sort of way, they hate you if you are a woman, and they hate you if you tell them you love them.

One of the defining characteristics of narcissism is the excessive jealousy they feel toward others. When you achieve any level of success in life, whether as big as a prestigious award or as small as a compliment, the narcissist is going to hate you for it. Why does the narcissist hate you when you are successful? Basically, there are four reasons.

1) The first and most obvious reason is that they are jealous. Narcissists can’t tolerate anyone else’s good fortune. Not surprising, they are resentful of it. They always believe/wish it should be them instead of you; they think they are more entitled to it than you.

2) The second reason is that they think your success might make them look bad. In the workplace, for example, it might increase the standards for which they will be judged in the future. They may be challenged to have to improve themselves as they need to always be number one, the best, and the most important.

3) The third reason is that they typically think you don’t deserve the success. They feel that success came too easy for you or that you are not qualified enough for it. For example, some narcissists will automatically dismiss your accomplishments because you don’t have what they feel is the right amount of education or experience. They have an image of what a successful person should be or look like – and you’re not it… but of course, they believe they are.

4) The fourth reason is familiarity. As the saying goes, it breeds contempt; this is especially true where narcissists are concerned. A narcissist would be quick to say something such as, “Isn’t he the same old John I grew up with, went to school with, and partied with – who does he think he is now?” The narcissist sees your success as a form of betrayal of him (it’s always about him!) – a betrayal of the person you used to be or should still be in his mind.

If someone compliments you on anything-your style, work, children, life, good looks or personality- the narcissist is immediately jealous. He may retaliate by raging at you or demeaning you with nasty remarks.

The narcissist needs to have the spot light; he craves the attention and doesn’t want to share it with anyone…especially if it is someone he considers his inferior (most people).

He will say and do everything possible to diminish the “success” (at whatever level that success is). The narcissistic abuser seeks feeling superior to, and in control of, his partner; his goal is to make her feel inferior, demoralized and powerless so that she would not be able to leave him – or trump him in success.

When you become successful (and “success” can be anything positive such as a compliment, certification or small award) he will retaliate by:

Sulking

Refusing to talk

Withdrawing affection

Strutting and posturing

Stomping out

Walking away

Denial of anger and abuse: The abuser will deny the partner’s reality and the abuser’s fault.

Trivializing: The abuser acts as though the partner’s opinions, thoughts, actions, or concerns are trivial or don’t count.

Judging and criticizing: The abuser puts down the partner’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.

Blocking and diverting: The abuser purposefully creates barriers to the partner’s efforts to communicate and will change the conversation to gain control.

Name calling: The abuser strips away the partner’s dignity and/or identity by replacing it with a foul name.

Chronic forgetting: The abuser regularly “forgets” or is consistently late for appointments, functions, or other important events to the partner.

Success is not the only area where you will see the behaviors listed above. Watch out for ‘narcissistic rage’ if you tell a narcissist you love him! Sam Vaknin, author and self-proclaimed narcissist states that, “Nothing is more hated by the narcissist than the sentence ‘I Love You’. It evokes in him almost primordial reactions.” He goes on to say that the narcissist hates women- virulently and vehemently. A narcissist is a misogynist and equates being loved with being ‘possessed, encroached upon, shackled, transformed, reduced, exploited, weakened, engulfed, digested and excreted’. To him, love is a dangerous pursuit. When a woman tries to pick up a narcissist, flirt or court him, he is likely to react by subjecting her to humiliating contempt or by dumping her after having sex with her. In both cases he makes it clear that he is superior and that the woman is nothing to him but a pathetic parasite or an object to be violated. He thinks that her approaching him and attempting to seduce him was proof of her stupidity, blindness, or maliciousness… for how could she not have noticed how different and superior he is?

Furthermore, loving someone means knowing him intimately. The narcissist believes he is so unique that no one can ever really know or understand him. The narcissist genuinely believes he is ONE of a kind. To say to him “I love you”, negates the feeling of uniqueness and he views it as trying to drag him down to the lowest common denominator. It threatens his sense of being ‘special’ as anyone and everyone is capable of loving …and even the basest human being can love. To the narcissist it is a primitive, common ability.

The narcissist is usually well aware that he is a con artist, a fraud, an elaborate hoax, a hollow being. He thinks any person who loves him is either lying (after all, what is there to love in a narcissist?) – or a dependent creature, blind and stupid, unable to detect the truth. The narcissist cannot tolerate the thought that he selected a liar or an idiot for a mate, so a declaration of love is an indirect criticism of the narcissist’s own powers of judgment.

The narcissist hates love- however, and wherever, it is manifested. Thus, for instance, when his spouse demonstrates her love to their children, he wishes them all a horrible death. He is so pathologically envious of his spouse that he wishes she never existed. Being a bit paranoid, he also holds the conviction that she is doing it on purpose, to remind him how miserable he is, how deficient and deprived he is. The narcissist regards her relationship with their children to be a provocation, an attack on his emotional well being. Seething envy, boiling rage and violent thoughts are the flames consuming the narcissist’s brain whenever he sees other people happy.

Alex Graduated in Neuro-Psychology at the University of Amsterdam. He worked a few years in a nursing home where he specialized himself in neurodegenerative disorders (alzheimer, parkinson), Personality Disorders and Emotional disorders (depression). Now he specializes in sharing his knowledge on public websites. View all posts by Alexander Burgemeester »

Everyone is to some degree. To a certain point, it is normal. The problem is with the extremely narcissistic, most particularly with the sociopath narcissist described above. And that’s only the tip of the iceberg.

I have been married to a narcissist for 32 years. At first ours was a fairy tale of romance, he treated me like a princess. I couldn’t believe how fortunate I was to have found my prince charming. Two years and two kids into our relationship he verbally and emotionally attacked me very publicly without warning. I felt like the world had spun out of control and I was falling into the center of the earth. It was devastating and thus began the cycle of trying to be good enough, and always failing. The last 30 years have been a never ending downward spiral of control, verbal and emotional abuse, and dominance. I stayed “for the sake of the kids” knowing that if I left they would be at his mercy when they were with him. We ended up with 5 children in all, a direct result of him always being obsessed with what he cant have…so if the threat of pregnancy was a danger no matter how badly he did not want to have another child then he would be obsessed with having sex when the danger to conceive was present. It is so sick. He always is obsessed with the forbidden. To the outside world we were the “perfect family”. He showered me with expensive jewelry for each holiday but would scream at me that I was a bitch if I failed to meet one small demand. Everything was about appearances to the outside world. On the inside it was pure hell. Our marriage took the inevitable turn of his obsession with porn and increasing demands toward the ever increasingly sick and disturbing. Once something had been done it was not off limits and his appetite would turn towards something more dangerous or forbidden. I really began to be afraid, realizing he was capable of anything not just physical abuse. For years he had used physical and emotional intimidation to get his way. He never once hit me because I had told him the first time he started to hit me that if he did then he would never see me or our baby (our first) again. But I didnt know to put my foot down with the other behaviors. I didnt know it was abuse. I tried so hard to please him. With my self esteem was completely destroyed, I finally realized the true nature of the beast. I knew he would eventually be sick of me and discard me. That once all the taboos were broken or I put my foot down that I would be of no use to him. I was just like the sports car, the Harley, the expensive electronics. Once he had them he grew sick of them and moved on the the next challenge. A few years ago when he took me to an exclusive club for swingers I put my foot down and refused to go in. He tried three different times to get to go and each time I refused to even get out of the car. I knew it was the beginning of the end. In the months that followed his treatment of me became more disparaging and abusive than ever. But by now I had grown a backbone. I still didnt realize that I was dealing with a narcissist, I didnt know what one was. But I knew I deserved better and was through being dominated and controlled. Something deep inside me snapped and I decided enough is enough! I had gotten a full time job for the first time in our marriage. I had my own paycheck and didnt have to account for each cent. Interestingly my first paycheck disapeared after it was direct deposited…he behind my back spent it at the Harley dealership. So I got my own account. This was so egregious to him that he decided then and there that he had the right to do what ever he wanted, and will tell anyone who will listen that my rebellious act of standing up to my “victimized” husband justifies his having affairs. He now lives with another woman. He lied to me for years about being unfaithful. Even my children could see the writing on the wall and tried to get me to leave him. I didn’t see it as an option as he had controlled the finances to tightly I knew I couldn’t survive on my paycheck, and we still had a child living at home. I didn’t think I could do it. He behavior continued to deteriorate and everyone, even his own family members who were shocked at his outrageous behavior began asking me if he was on drugs. I started searching the internet looking for symptoms of drug abuse. Nothing fit. But a questionnaire linked on Web MD finally gave me the answer. He has a personally disorder. He is a true narcissist. Finally everything made sense. It is him to a “T”. I finally got it. I finally realized no amount of praying is going to turn him around. I can’t be good enough to please him, he is never going to change. He would use me up until it killed me if I let him. In November of this year he “opened up” to me, admitting an affair and telling me he wants out. But his plan was for me to stay with him for two more years until our daughter is out of high school. He absolved himself of his guilty feelings and went on his merry way, confident that I would obey him and he could have it all. As he walked out the door that day, he even had the nerve to order me to do a few chores for him. I’m sure he felt so good as he walked away, thinking he could keep the appearance of a perfect family and home, but go off and have the free wheeling lifestyle. As soon as he left I ran to the bathroom and vomited, feeling like he had dumped all his poison venom into me. In the weeks that followed, even though he not longer lived here, he randomly would pop in unannounced about once a week with no warning. It could be in the middle of the night, during the day when I was in the shower, or while I was at work. I never knew when he would show up. I began to feel afraid for my life. I filed for divorce and changed the locks on the house. Now he is enraged. He is playing the poor victim whose wife has thrown him out of the house. Even changing his appearance from dressing like a playboy to dressing the part of an impoverished down and out construction worker. He owns his own business, of course. Because he never should have to be accountable to anyone, not a boss, not the IRS that is for sure.
Since filing I have found random windows unlocked (in the middle of a snowstorm), the backdoor left open, the front door, even the garage door went up while I was home alone one day. About a month before he left in November he unhooked the smoke detectors, kicked apart the security system sign so that the phone number is unreadable and also installed a new front door with a keypad. So yeah, of course he is enraged that I beat him at his game by having the locks changed.
I wish I could use the no contact policy. I look forward to the day when our daughter is old enough that we do not have to co parent. He is using her as a tool to gain access into our home. All of a sudden he is Disney land dad and just misses her so much. Even she is smart enough to say, then how come he never wanted to be bothered with me when he lived here?
It is a delicate tightrope act, trying to figure out how to be and what to say how to stay a step ahead of him. I am so looking forward to the day that I have my own home, and can live in peace. At this point I cant ever see myself trusting another person enough to have a relationship again. I just want to live a normal life, one where I just wake up, go to work, come home and do my chores without feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough. Without being called names or belittled. Just feeling free. And if I make a mistake, oh well. Learning and moving on without blowing it out of proportion. I look so forward to that. Some day. Hopefully soon. I am taking baby steps every day moving toward that goal. Thank you for your advice. It helps more than I could ever say.

M what can I say, just read through your post. My heart goes out to you it really does. I can not imagine the life you have had and to think this man has robbed you of thirty years, the only good thing being your children who I must say are a credit to you.

I have a narcasist Mother In Law – a woman so full of hate towards me that I havehad to put locks on my bedroom door and my dauhters as she lives with me and is threatening to kill me. All because I have for once in 17 yrs stood up to her. I will tell my story but not in this post. This reply is for you M – to say well done for standing up and saying ENOUGH!!!!!

Believe you me when a person snaps and can not take any more then in my opinion all becomes clear. From the bottom off my heart I wish you love and happiness. I have to say can you be numb like me and move, don’t be scared start a new life. Ask you daughter what she wants. Our teenage daughters are much stronger than we give them credit for.

How can people act this way – I hope they will feel every ounce of hate they have given out magnified.

Narcissists hate love because they hate intimacy. Pure and simple. They were attacked traumatically with shame, most likely at a very early age, by someone closest to them (as Sam Vaknin has also stated). That is why they hate love and feel they are “special”. They are afraid of any kind of relationship because it reminds opthem of that trauma.

I also just came to this realization. In getting complex PTSD from my narc father, I realize your brain forms mental pathways that associate certain stimuli with the trauma you experienced. Therefore, you don’t want anything to with that stimuli, and if it involves the characteristic (in any aspect of that word) of that person that traumatized you it feels better to be the opposite way. What most likely happens with narcs is that they hate how “good, loving people” made them feel (meaning those who were supposed to be that way), so it feels better to be an unconditionally hating, disdainful villain.

Its amazing how full of hatred these men are. I have just got out of a miserable, loveless marriage of 8 yrs with an N I was delusional !!! Once you go no contact it becomes clear, REAL clear what it was all about. They hate it when you figure them out, and there rage can be dangerous as your seen as a threat to the sheep versus the real wolf persona. Its heartbreaking being duped and used, yet is also liberating lesson learnt. Don’t think for one second if your married and stick it out they will be there, cos as soon as they find a better mirror they are gone without a care in the world you have to RUN now !!!

Kudos to all of you who woke up, made a plan, and then left your N. I am now almost finished moving out my things, and am planning a date to have my N served with divorce papers.

I have raised all of my children, thank God. For thirty years, we followed this military guy around the globe. We put off furnishing our home properly, travel, and socializing in general with the promise of better things after he retired. Retirement happened in 2012. Now two years in, I was beaten within an inch of my life for no reason whatsoever. It has happened before, but never, ever, to this extent. A scar on my temple still clearly visible after three months. I am going tomorrow to pursue therapy for a shoulder that has not healed properly.

After I was injured, I, of course, tried to figure out what had provoked him.
This time, I called two close friends and confided to them what he did. One friend told me that I need to wake up – he is a narcissist. I began to research, and as I read, I kept noticing that compartmentalized lives, cheating, separate bank accounts are the norm. It took me a while to get over the denial and start to pry. I found several online “hookup” dating sites, pics of himself having sex (fetish style), and two bank accounts in his name only, one of which is with two retirement fund accounts which were never transferred as intended. I also found evidence that he bought drugs.

In the time since he attacked me, I have been moving my belongings to a storage unit. He has not once since the morning after the attack asked me about my well being. He did try to give me a pistol he had purchased for me (dumbass) as an apology gift. He had ordered it, and picked it up as it was back ordered…and confessed all of it in a note. He could not believe that I wouldn’t accept it. I couldn’t even lift my arm at the time as he had inflicted a hairline fracture and separated my shoulder.

Next step, I hired an attorney. As soon as I remove my personal belongings from my house, I will have him served. I will of course pay off debt with his hidden account before I file. He is so arrogant that he leaves everything in plain sight while he goes to the gym or visits hookers.

Take advantage of his arrogance and do what you need to do to get away. PLEASE.