Review: Kaise Jaisalmer!

I really hate it when children playing
the lead have mushroom-haircuts.

I really hate it when good actors make
complete assholes of themselves on
screen.

I really hate it when I can actually
see that the actors are actually
acting.

I have an issue with this movie. No
wait, I have MANY issues with this
movie. Yes, I was already expecting
nothing from it, but was flinching
with clenched teeth throughout anyway.
No, I have no issues with children
playing the lead; no, I have actually
no issues with Rajasthan being shown
the zillionth time on screen, I swear
I did not even blink when I saw
apna Himesh in the credits. But
then again, I was the one who endured
this movie, and not you.

Nanhe Jaisalmer (not
explained WHY) is the name of a
10-year-old illiterate boy (Dwij Yadav,
endearing smile, squeaky clean
clothes, bobbing mushroom haircut, the
boy can act though) who supports his
family by doing camel safaris in the
morning, talking in four different
languages, and being cute with anyone
and everything that moves. Your
regular group of a
grown-up-kind-hearted-but-good-for-nothing
gang who smile with many twinkles in
their eyes every time apna nanhe
walks by flanks him (not ONE of these
buggers speak Rajasthani) every one
loves Nanhe, and he loves them
back. Jaisalmer is the cleanest town
in India, and everyone is happy with a
perpetual delirious smile plastered on
their face. But Nanhe is
obsessed with the (great?) Bollywood
actor Bobby Deol (we’ll call him BD,
but Nanhe calls him dost). BD
poster and cutouts cover the walls in
his room, and he goes bonkers every
time a new BD movie is in town. He
also dreams about BD and him in the
midst of a dance sequence with chicks
jumping around in hot pants, and is
woken up just when BD is about to
‘touch’ his hand. Very embarrassing
moment, I say. This is where the
issues start.

First
of all, WHY Bobby Deol? I mean, I have
nothing against, or for the guy,
(except for those hair which hang from
his head like dead eels, and his
diction which sounds like he is in
throes of constipation) but I do fail
to understand why is he playing
himself. If they had shown Bobby Deol
as superstar Vivek or Kamal, I was
still OK with it. But they have to
show BD, and his numerous clips from
those wonderful movies like Bichhu and
Soldier, and that the audience is
going gaga over his ‘style’ and his
muscles. Second of all, why doesn’t a
single guy speak the bleeding language
right? Ok, the movie is not about
Jaisalmer, but Nanhe Jaisalmer.
Our boy was BORN here, and neither he,
his family, nor the gang of idiots I
mentioned above speak the lingo, or
look the part. And we are talking
about the ass end of Rajasthan here!!

Anyway, getting on with it, a
published news article about BD coming
to the old J for a month’s shoot sends
Nanhe in a tizzy. He goes
around town screaming ‘mera dost aa
raha hai’ on top of his lungs in a
numbing eight minute sequence. BD
arrives in Jaisalmer, swoops our
friend in an embarrassing hug (Nanhe
has been writing him letters, you see)
and they make plans to meet at a place
away from the prying eyes of the goody
Jaisalmer people. (Again, a highly
embarrassing, and NOT so cute
sequence.)

Nanhe has a problem – a
hefty-Gayatri Devi-look-alike-do-gooder
has started a night school for
illiterates, and it coincides with the
time our two friends are supposed to
meet. Nanhe throws a fit about
not going to school, gets slapped by
his mother, goes to sleep without
eating. Next thing we know, BD is
sneaking into his room, telling him
about general morality, and getting
scared of a rat. They talk about the
horrors of going to school, deep
friendships, and role models, and the
brief history of universe. The entire
sequence was highly embarrassing, and
clandestine, and does not certify as
cute, or heart warming, really.

So
anyway, Nanhe’s sister is about
to get married to a sickly thin
Rajasthani gentleman, and the
festivities are on. Monies are
arranged, and mama has to sell the
‘elder son’ (the camel) Raja, to make
ends meet. Nanhe has been collecting
money on the side (to buy gift for his
dost) and ends up buying the camel
back, and everyone is teary eyed, and
relieved. In between, Nanhe
also stops his gutka habit,
since BD doesn’t like it much.

Oh hold On! I just forgot to add
that the movie starts with the premise
of Nanhe getting a Booker Prize
for the book he wrote (same name as
the movie), and is played by the ever
wooden Vatsal Seth (of the pepsi
commercials, green eyes, and Tarzan
the Whatchamacallit Car fame), and he
is telling the story to a helpless
electrician (as if he had a choice)
all in flashback. And, he is called
Vikram Singh. Thanks, what kind of a
name is Nanhe Jaisalmer anyway?

The movie has a not so surprising
ending, so I’ll indulge myself a
little bit more. Nanhe calls BD
to the wedding, who readily accepts
it, but doesn’t turn up. This is when
Nanhe realizes that BD actually
never came to meet him, and it was all
his imagination. We are shown
vignettes of every scene of them
together, and each of BD’s shirts
(horrendous ones) co-relating to that
particular scene. This is a
seven-minute sequence, reinforcing the
fact that BD never really was there.
This is an insult to my intelligence,
and I shall move court. I mean, I have
seen Fight Club, haven’t I?!

The movie ends in the present, with
Nanhe all grown up as the insipid
Vatsal Seth and felicitated by none
other than BD who actually does
recognize the boy wonder, and they
FINALLY hug tight, and all my fears
came true.

Yes, Nanhe Jaiselmer seems
awfully like a child-gay-fantasy
movie. I will not endorse this tidbit,
but that’s what I felt during the
entire length of the movie. There were
scenes, which could have been treated
differently, instead of being extra
mushy, gaga, and utterly embarrassing.
A better director, maybe different
actors, and this could have been a
wonderful movie. There is even a song
which goes tere jaisa dost or
yaar with BD and nanhe
dancing hand in hand, almost coochie
cooing, and generally being a pain to
watch. No, this movie is NOT a
children’s movie, hell, it’s not even
an adult movie. I think I’d have been
better off watching Aggar, starring
Tusshar Kapoor.