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The Bouncer in Wonderland

Recently our Bouncer had a chance to interview a representative of the Church of Heathenism of the Wicked Witches of Wonderland, an organization that claims to be a strong proponent of equality, for ideas on how better to treat both sexes with dignity and provide everyone with equal opportunities to grow and flourish. He returned with these nuggets of wisdom.

Bouncer: So I understand you’re strong advocates for equality of the sexes.

Goody Higglebottom: Absolutely! Equality between the sexes is a central tenet of our faith. Women and men are equal in the eyes of Goddess. We believe that, regardless of how she treats them, Goddess treats everyone fairly.

Bouncer: Is it true that only women are entitled to practice witchcraft in your tradition?

Goody Higglebottom: Well, yes, all witches are women. But that doesn’t mean men’s roles are any less important than women’s roles. They’re just different. Men have abilities women can only dream of, such as ejaculation.

Bouncer: They say a coven is, by definition, a certain number of women—that when you count individuals in a coven, you only count the women, and that a coven might be comprised entirely of women but not entirely of men. Is this true?

Goody Higglebottom: Technically, I suppose that’s true, but our men are extremely happy with their roles. They belong to the largest men’s organization in the world that’s run by women. They understand their natural power, manifest through ejaculation, and don’t seek to aggrandize themselves by augmenting their power in the community.

Bouncer: Could you explain what exactly witchcraft is?

Goody Higglebottom: Witchcraft is the power by which the universe was created. Members of our church are unique in their ability to tap into that power. We believe this is what sets us apart from all other churches. It’s absolutely central to our organization.

Bouncer: But men aren’t allowed to exercise it, correct?

Goody Higglebottom: What you have to understand is how little witchcraft actually matters to us. Although it’s the power to command the very elements, it’s not particularly important. Everyone can invoke Goddess, regardless of whether they have access to witchcraft or not; that’s all that really matters.

Bouncer: Do men ever seek access to witchcraft?

Goody Higglebottom: Our men are happy in their roles. They understand that one role isn’t better than another: they’re just different. Women practice witchcraft and men ejaculate. It would be as ridiculous to argue men should practice witchcraft as to argue women should ejaculate! Women aren’t complaining they can’t ejaculate or lobbying for more rights! For the most part, our men appreciate this. They’re not blinded by the philosophies of the world. They understand their equal role and submit to it.

Bouncer: But the women make all the important decisions in the organization, no?

Goody Higglebottom: You know, it’s a huge burden for the women to have to run the organization themselves! Men have no idea what a burden is placed on us. The expectations and obligations are much more taxing for women than for men, truly. But no way would we ever want to share that burden with men.

Bouncer: Are women really able to represent men’s interests?

Goody Higglebottom: Perfectly. The spirit of the divine feminine imbues them with a special understanding of the plight of men. One of our esteemed leaders, Goody Shnonken-Hurdygurdy, recently gave a special address to the men of the church in which she showed her great empathy and appreciation for their roles. I quote: “Dear brothers, be patient. I know something of the pressures you feel. Your garages are too small.”

Bouncer: Is it really equality when women have the final say?

Goody Higglebottom: Often our leaders ask for men’s input before making decisions. Anyway, since Goddess inspires all our leaders, the sex of our leaders doesn’t matter—as long as they’re women.

Bouncer: Are men’s roles really comparable to women’s?

Goody Higglebottom: Absolutely. This is the natural order of things. I’m not the one who set things up so that men could ejaculate—Goddess endowed them with this special power. Men’s bodies bear the stuff of life. This is a privilege! Without that special power, women could never give birth to daughters and sons. It’s natural for men to sire offspring. And it’s just as natural for women to officiate as celebrants in our rituals and spells.

Bouncer: Is there an unfortunate tendency in this system to reduce men to their bodily capacities rather than treating them as full human beings?

Goody Higglebottom: Not at all! We witches celebrate the body—this is why we appreciate what men are able to do for us in a way that most of the world does not. Because of their ability to ejaculate, men have a special relationship to the things of this earth, to the physical world. Since women lack that special sense, they’re compensated with the power of witchcraft. Men are naturally in tune with the universe. Women must learn to be in tune, must learn to come up to the level men are naturally on—that’s why we need witchcraft. Men are so naturally wonderful and powerful that it’s perfectly fair for women to monopolize social and metaphysical power.

Bouncer: I guess I’m not understanding how ejaculation prevents men from full participation in the community.

Goody Higglebottom: If men could be witches, this would constitute the erosion of masculinity! Goddess must have created an extra sex for a reason. We believe that reason is best expressed through a gendered division of labor.

Bouncer: But what does ejaculation have to do with witchcraft?

Goody Higglebottom: Men are the gatekeepers to this world. By ejaculating, they facilitate the entrance of souls into this world. This is sort of a ritual in itself. That’s why it would be inappropriate for them to officiate in any other rituals.

Bouncer: Do the men of your organization feel left out? Do they yearn to be able to cast spells like the women?

Goody Higglebottom: We teach them that upright men are happy with their divine gender role and that anyone who complains should be an outcast, and we find they don’t complain much.

Bouncer: Could you explain again what equality means to you?

Goody Higglebottom: Goddess loves her sons as much as her daughters. This is what excuses the institution from treating them as well.

Bouncer: What conclusions do boys draw when they see a cast of all-female celebrants conducting services?

Goody Higglebottom: I think they conclude that Goddess loves and trusts them every bit as much, or she wouldn’t have given them the ability to ejaculate.

Bouncer: Doesn’t men’s exclusion from witchcraft send a message that men are less capable and less central?

Goody Higglebottom: Not at all! We’ve found that policies of this sort send no messages whatsoever. Witchcraft, properly understood, has nothing to do with superiority. That men are excluded doesn’t reflect on them at all. Nor does it affect them. The policy is all about equality, interdependence, and meeting the needs of both women and men—but especially women.

Bouncer: Girls undergo several rites of passage in your organization as they become women and full members of the community. Can you explain why boys and men don’t?

Goody Higglebottom: Men ejaculate.

Bouncer: What would you say to a man who feels excluded?

Goody Higglebottom: You know, a lot of women will never serve in positions with much authority either. This is what justifies the exclusion of all men.

Bouncer: It seems that men are structurally disadvantaged in your organization.

Goody Higglebottom: Well, sort of. But women are always really nice to their husbands and look out for their interests, so that makes up for it.

Bouncer: Any final thoughts?

Goody Higglebottom: My husband loves being a man. He celebrates manhood and would never seek after witchcraft.

This essay has had a (perhaps) unintended consequence, in that after reding it I now understand much better those Mormon women who are perfectly happy without the priesthood. Because hey, if my special role in life is ejaculation, I’m good with that. The women can keep the witchcraft…

This is really funny, and very telling, as similar bits have been in the past. But I think it is accidentally telling in the way it ties ejaculation with the function of the woman’s body in making babies. In fact, it shows that the potentially spiritual space occupied by pregnancy rather dwarfs men’s contribution to the process.

Orwell, there is direct correspondence between the very few ejaculations you are meant to have with the very few occasions witchcraft actually enters into the women’s endless policy making and policy following. Life is meant to be a long, bitter haul, with only the occasional release. This is the way the goddess prefers things, lest we forget our happiness by having too much of it.

In fact, Thomas, I find our system much fairer than yours. Ejaculation is something worth compensating women for. Excruciating childbirth is not something for which men require compensation. Almost all men ejaculate; many, many women do not give birth, and many do not lactate (even among those who give birth)—women often become mothers without doing either. Adolescent boys ejaculate; adolescent girls are not encouraged to give birth or lactate, but are nevertheless excluded in your community.

Our gendered theology lines up quite a bit more tidily, wouldn’t you say?

I was going to say men of the Church of Heathenism of the Wicked Witches of Wonderland are still more advantaged than women in the LDS church because I’ve never heard of a man who is incapable of ejaculating ever, when there are women who are indeed incapable of conceiving and bearing a live child, but then I figured I would fact check and found evidence of anejaculation and delayed ejaculation which evidently can affect between 3 and 10% of men. News to me.

Your position privileges pleasure over pain as a source of spiritual enrichment. Of course, most women orgasm, and some even ejaculate – I have that by first hand, not from the movies; whereas no men give birth – something that I understand to be, if not exactly pleasurable, at least not without its unusual rewards for many women.

But this is all just a distraction from the main, well-placed thrust of your op, which is that of course women hold all the cards and that hedging that in any way is a fool’s game.