Monthly Archives: October 2014

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How to encourage siblings to be friends
Siblings of sick kids suffer too
I was 24 years old when I finally learned to embrace my individuality. I spent most of my childhood hating who I was and wishing I was different. My low self-esteem and self-confidence would often be triggered by comments made by my mother. When I was in high school, if I was doing well at English, it didn’t matter to her because I was struggling in Chemistry and Physics – subjects my older brother excelled in. When I was accepted into university to study Psychology, she didn’t bat an eyelid because I had failed to secure a spot in my brother’s university. What hurt me the most was when she would yell at me, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”

At the time, I felt that I’d failed as a daughter, as a person, that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t loved for who I was. The comparisons that she made between my three siblings and I not only hurt the relationship that I had with my mother. But they undermined the relationship that I had with my brothers and sister. Even now, our relationship as adults is strained because we never knew how it felt to really be there for each other as siblings.

When parents compare their children to others

As human beings, it’s natural to want to compare our own progress with the progress of others. By the same token, parents often feel compelled to compare their own children to other people’s children.

But there’s nothing wrong with engaging in a bit of comparison, according to parenting expert, Dr. Justin Coulson.

He explains, “We like to see how we’re going as parents, and how our kids are going in their development … It’s an entirely normal and natural thing to do.”

Clinical psychologist, Sally-Anne McCormack, says that comparing our children to others can even be incredibly beneficial at times.

“Some comparisons are quite helpful. They help us notice whether our children are reaching all the appropriate developmental milestones,” says McCormack.

However, it’s our intentions behind these comparisons that are really the crux of the matter.

“A minor degree of comparison is fine because that’s normal, human behaviour. As long as it’s observational as opposed to judgemental.”

“But if parents are constantly doing it – looking unfavourably either at other people’s children, or their own children – then that’s damaging for everyone,” says McCormack.

When parents compare siblings

Dr. Coulson says that parents often compare siblings as well, which isn’t always a bad thing.

We can evaluate their progress, compare their strengths and weaknesses, and look at the remarkable way that we are all so different.

“It can be fun to look at how tall a child was at one age versus the sibling,” says Dr. Coulson.

“But when the comparison starts to become laden with judgements and evaluations that make kids feel superior or inferior to their sibling, we start to get into dangerous territory.”

McCormack says that in pitting siblings against each other, we might overlook one child’s athletic ability because we’re too focused on the other’s academic skills.

“We forget to celebrate differences. We place our values on our children and expect them to live up to certain expectations, but these might not be reasonable or possible for our children.”

The effects of sibling comparison

Children who are constantly told, “Why can’t you be like your brother/sister?”, are likely to end up basing their self-worth on how they compare with others.

“It teaches them that life is about competition and comparison, and they will always feel that they can never be enough – because there’s always someone better than they are,” says Dr. Coulson.

“It undermines sense of worth, it reduces motivation, it increases anxiety, and it leads to sub-par outcomes on a range of measures.”

McCormack says it’s very important to be mindful of our words.

“Our children value our opinions. Before they have their own little inner voice, they hear ours. If ours keeps saying, ‘You’re not as good as your brother/sister’, then that will be the self-talk that they grow up with – ‘I’m never going to be as good as my brother/sister’.”

When you compare your child to their sibling, what they actually hear you say is, “You’re not good enough. You’re a failure,” says McCormack.

Embracing your child’s individuality

McCormack says that rather than focusing on what our children can’t do, we should be focusing on what they can.

“Every single person is different. Focus on the positives and strengths in every single child, rather than looking at what they’re missing,” says McCormack.

“Learn more about whatever strengths they show – whether it’s sporting ability or even social skills. Whatever their strength is, do what you can to promote that.”

“So, if you have a a child who is incredibly social, for example, enrol them in acting classes.”

“Note down their strengths and then find avenues for them to express it in some type of activity.”

Dr. Coulson adds that we should always look for ways to acknowledge our children’s unique contributions to the family.

“This will make them feel loved unconditionally for being who they are, regardless of what their sibling can do. They will be recognised for their individual strengths and capacities. They will become resilient, confident, and happy.”

McCormack reminds parents to reflect back on what they truly want for their children.

“Most parents want happy, healthy children. The only way to do that is to make them feel valued, special and important.”

“That can only happen if we embrace and value their positive qualities.”

Thuy Yau is a freelance writer and mother of three. She is incredibly passionate about raising happy and confident children. You can follow Thuy on Twitter, join her on Facebook, or read her personal development blog at Inside a Mother’s Mind.

Islam in government and as a political philosophy has proved its inadequacy from the beginning and is hardly the model worth pursuing. Many Islamic societies continue to live in despotism, exploitation and insecurity

Pakistan has become a favourite international punching bag. One critical portrayal of the country is that it is far from being the ‘land of the pure’; instead, it is one of the clearest demonstrations of the futility of defining a nation by religion and one of the textbook failures of a state and society, doomed to be a dysfunctional military theocracy from day one. M J Akbar, an eloquent Indian journalist and author of a book on Pakistan, summed up the country as dangerous and fragile, a “toxic jelly state”, a quivering country that will neither collapse nor stabilise. It is no surprise, therefore, that extreme remedies to fix the Pakistan ‘problem’ periodically make the rounds, essentially offering to save the country from itself. A solution suggested is for Balkanising Pakistan or, more specifically, fragmenting the Islamic Republic so it is easier to police and develop economically. To some, the concept is looking more appealing by the day, because, as a result of flawed boundaries combined with the nexus between military rule and Islamic extremism, Pakistan now finds itself on a rapid descent towards certain collapse and the country’s leaders stubbornly refuse to do the things required to change course. But before allowing Pakistan to commit state suicide, self-disintegrate and further destabilise the region, the international community can beat it to the punch and deconstruct the country less violently.
Previously, such interventionist solutions have been forced by victors on defeated nations and societies such as Germany and Japan, and more recently Iraq. Political reconstruction in these countries was disguised as pedagogical and reformist and not vengeful and retributive. Certainly, Pakistan cannot be lumped with the aforementioned examples of defeated countries that required extreme solutions. However, a case can be made for Pakistan to attempt to re-invent its image of a lumbering international pariah to that of a confident member of the international community.
An important achievement is that the Pakistani people ýhave shown the way to emancipate themselves from the hold of dictatorial regimes. Crucially though, they have been unable to stand up to the ýreactionary religious establishment that opposed the creation of the country in the first place. The shield of religion has been unable to offer useful protection to the country, despite the frequent cries of Islam ‘being in danger’. Islam in government and as a political philosophy has proved its inadequacy from the beginning and is hardly the model worth pursuing. Many Islamic societies continue to live in despotism, exploitation and insecurity.
Pakistan’s security obsessions have made it delusional, psychotic, fearing how to protect itself from the rest of the world. It is a conspicuous failure as a heavily militarised country, remaining beset by widespread violence and terrorism. Excessive national security efforts have drained its limited economic resources, without making the country safer or more stable. The Pakistani state since independence has constantly raised the bogey of an Indian threat and its political leaders continuously promote a fear psychosis of war among the people. Talks of imminent threats to national security from external forces are pure nonsense. The primary threat is from the insidious forces working from within that seek to prevent the development and functioning of free institutions, those institutions that should be a way of life.
Another festering problem is that Pakistan’s ethnic groups have legitimate complaints against the arrogant centre in Islamabad. The governing Punjabi elite has neglected the other three major ethnic groups: the Sindhis, Pashtuns and Baloch, primarily because a majority of Pakistan’s budget is spent on the military rather than economic development, schooling or infrastructure. Only two percent of Pakistan’s GDP, for example, is spent on education despite the fact that Pakistan’s literacy rate stands at 57 percent. This is, after all, a country where half the country’s population is below the age of 21. One third of them have never been to a school of any kind.
Moreover, Pakistan’s economy is in shambles, propped up by international aid, and its political system is notoriously corrupt and unresponsive, although a civilian government has come to power. The country has a population of nearly 200 million and the highest population growth rate in the region. One third of the population overall is below the poverty line, with another one third just above it. The poor state of the economy is due to shortsighted policies, mismanagement and absence of financial discipline that have blunted national progress in technology and industry.
National reinvention will require an attack on the taboos, a free discussion of what has been shrouded in ýsanctity, particularly the idea of an Islamist ideological state. Hopefully, this effort will lead to a reduction of the national paranoia that is the root of instability and address the deep-seated insecurity that manifests itself from time to time through the manufacture of conspiracy theories. An important objective should be to remake Pakistan and end the confusion of Pakistan’s purpose and identity once and for all. This vital challenge lies with the Pakistani people themselves. Only the people and the ýintellectuals at their forefront can break the vicious circle of political ýand cultural suppression strengthening each other and further ýweakening society.The writer can be reached at shgcci@gmail.com