Inhaling Exhales

I’m dating the cutest guy right now. We have what I call “sweet sex.” You know, lots of kissing and touching. One night the most romantic thing happened. After we were done with the deed we cuddled and he fell asleep on top of me with our mouths about an inch apart. We were breathing in unison. It was so romantic I just wanted to die. But then our breathing patterns somehow went out of whack. He started exhaling when I was inhaling. In other words, I was inhaling his exhalation. Well, after a couple of minutes I got light-headed and had to push him off me, waking him up and ruining the romance. I think it’s the sweetest thing in the world that this guy can fall asleep on me (I feel so protected) but I’ve got to turn his face away from me or I feel like I’m going to faint. Why would I get light-headed from breathing in his breath?

– Waiting with bated breath

Hey Woody,

I’m dating the cutest guy right now. We have what I call “sweet sex.” You know, lots of kissing and touching. One night the most romantic thing happened. After we were done with the deed we cuddled and he fell asleep on top of me with our mouths about an inch apart. We were breathing in unison. It was so romantic I just wanted to die. But then our breathing patterns somehow went out of whack. He started exhaling when I was inhaling. In other words, I was inhaling his exhalation. Well, after a couple of minutes I got light-headed and had to push him off me, waking him up and ruining the romance. I think it’s the sweetest thing in the world that this guy can fall asleep on me (I feel so protected) but I’ve got to turn his face away from me or I feel like I’m going to faint. Why would I get light-headed from breathing in his breath?

– Waiting with bated breath

Dear Waiting,

You got dizzy because the carbon dioxide you breathed in from his exhalations overloaded your system. Either that or you’re a tramp and your conscience finally caught up with your promiscuity.

I know. I shouldn’t project. Truth is, there’s a scientific reason why you feel a little light on your loafers when you breathe in his exhalations. A quick background first: the air you breathe is roughly 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen and 1% argon (don’t ask me what that is—I’m writing a sex advice column, not a science journal). Once the air enters your lungs it undergoes a series of processes that changes the composition of the air you breathed in. The most meaningful change is that 4% of the air you breathe out contains carbon dioxide.

Overexposure to carbon dioxide makes you dizzy, gives you headaches, and makes it more difficult to breathe. In more extreme cases it leads to nausea and vomiting. Yikes! It sounds like one of my Saturday nights.

Not that you asked but here’s an interesting factoid: breathing dehydrates you. Exhaled air has a relative humidity of 100%. That’s why so many people wake up parched throats. Ah, to be male. You wake up thirsty for water and hungry for d*ck.

At any rate, the news is bad–you won’t be able to sleep with your mouths near each other unless you wear a gas mask, which, really, unless you’re into that scene, isn’t very attractive.

Hey Woody,

What kind of crap was that about flirting with body language in your last couple of columns? You said don’t fold your arms because it’s a disinterested or resentful pose. Bullshit! I’ve been plenty interested in guys and folded my arms BECAUSE THE BAR WAS COLD. It really hacks me off when people like you over-simplify things.

– Up in Arms

Dear Up,

And it really hacks me off when I have to spell things out to idiots like you. I didn’t think I’d have to state the obvious—that you can’t judge a guy’s interest by a single pose or movement. Yes, sitting with your arms crossed is often perceived as a defensive, standoff posture. But like you said, it could be that you’re cold. Or as you didn’t say, it could be that you’re camouflaging the weight you’ve gained or hiding the Cranberry and Vodka you stupidly spilled on yourself.

So let me set you and the hard-of-reading straight: Stick to what body language experts call the Rule of Four. Look for at least four signals suggesting the same thing. In other words, don’t jump to conclusions; hop to them.

I read your answer to “smelly” (how to tell your new boyfriend his crotch smells like a grease-encrusted vomit bucket). Loved your answer but wanted to add a different dimension to the problem. I’m one of those guys who smell down there because I sweat so much. It’s very embarrassing. It doesn’t take much to soak my shirt. I could be in a mildly warm bar and sweat like I’m a whore in church. Any advice for people like me?